Diaries of a Madman

by whatmustido

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Non-consensual, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 3268500

Discord makes a deal with Celestia, sending a human to Equestria at the start of season two.

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

Now on TVtropes! I answered a ton of questions for the fellow making this, so the stuff on there is mostly accurate.

Cover picture by a fellow called Sawhorse. If you see any mistakes, send me a PM with the chapter, the line, and the mistake and I'll fix it. This thing is huge. There are plenty of mistakes in there. Also, there are spoilers in the comments.

If you want a download link to the story or to see it before the rewrite.

I make all the clop in this story skippable. But if you don't want to see it at all, I have it without clop on gdocs. But if you're a dirty heathen and you like clop, here's your version.

It feels unfair to spoil a story in the description, but a lot of people have asked for a warning about this, so the main character of my story eventually gets gender-swapped for a long duration.

Published 2012-08-19 08:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-02 21:43:43 UTC

Chapter One—And so it Begins...

Chapter One—And so it Begins...

You ever have a really, really bad day? The kind that makes you want to just fall into bed as soon as you get the chance? This started as one of those days.

School is school, no matter where you are. But it can be better or worse depending on certain circumstances. I probably have it worse than some, but that’s not really all that important. And jobs are jobs, but helping family on a farm might well take the cake when it comes to difficulty levels and instilling a bone-breaking weariness in your body.

So I think falling into a bed as soon as possible was completely understandable, given the circumstances. My day was hard and I just wanted it to be over. But as I said, the day only started bad.

It quickly got much, much worse.

I awoke to a strong pulling sensation. Wearily, I looked down at my legs, only to notice they weren’t there anymore. My mind, sluggish from the short bit of sleep, took several seconds to realize that I was missing half my body. When the realization finally kicked in, panic ensued.

Of course, the pulling sensation didn’t end with my legs. I hope I was alone in the house that day, because my shrieks of terror would have jarred my family quite terribly. After several minutes, my entire body up to my head had disappeared. Realizing that screaming in horror wasn’t doing anything to stop it, some part of my rational mind forced my mouth shut.

A second later, I was gone.

There are no words for the myriads of lights I saw and the sounds I heard. The sensations were incredible and terrifying and utterly, completely unique. I can’t say if I would have considered what I went through wonderful or terrible. As I said, there are no words.

Suddenly, the shifting stopped, and I was left with a searing pain in my eyes. It felt as though I was somehow floating... I tried opening my eyes, only to find they were already open. That’s when I realized I was fucking blind.

Suddenly, a feminine voice cut through the silence. “Not quite what I was expecting… Spike, take note: The subject appears disoriented. There is little hair covering it, using clothing to cover itself instead. However, its head appears to be covered mostly in hair, with a nose, lips, two eyes, two ears, with hair covering just about everything else.”

Her voice droned on, describing this ‘subject’ with much detail. My mind sorted through some of the details, until I realized she had to be describing me. The shitty beard I really needed to shave was probably what she meant by hair covering everything.

“Uh… Hello?” I managed to force through trembling lips.

“It speaks! And it knows Equestrian! Spike, note this all down. Record everything it says,” the feminine voice spoke in a very excited tone.

“Are you sure you want to speak about it like that? The thing looks and sounds smart…” a more masculine, though childish, voice replied to her.

“There are varying degrees of intelligence,” I answered him, doing my best to keep them busy with talking while I attempted to surreptitiously strain against my bonds. “There’s book learning, wisdom, and common fucking sense. From the sounds of things, your scientist over there has at least one of those,” I said with a small amount of hostility. “I’m hardly a ‘subject’ to study, and my eyes fucking hurt. Whatever you’re doing, hurry it up, release me, and get me a doc or something. I want to make sure I’m not blinded by whatever the hell you did.” Judging by the ensuing silence, I think my gambit of buying time by distracting them worked.

“The subject—”

“I have a name, woman. I’d appreciate it if you considered me a person instead of pretending I’m a science project,” I said.

She huffed, angered at my tone and my rough treatment of her. She must not be used to teenagers, I thought to myself. “I’m Twilight Sparkle and this is Spike. Now, what is your name?” she asked me.

Not very fucking polite, but I might as well at least give her something. “Navarone, at your service,” I replied, the lie coming easily to my lips. I have always heard that it’s a good idea not to give captors many details about your life, and Navarone is a name I’ve used in the past. It wouldn’t be too hard to answer to until I could get home. “Now, would you kindly tell me where I am, how I got here, and who you are?” I was still trying to stall, to maybe figure out where I was.

“A question for a question seems fair to me,” she said. I might have been wrong about her, I thought. Maybe some common sense after all. “Where do you come from?”

“Hardly an original question, but seeing as how I still seem to be restrained, we’ll play your game.” Not knowing how to answer, I told her the truth, relatively. I’m a bit of a sarcastic bastard… “Texas, United States of America, North Western Hemisphere, planet Earth, solar system Sol, galaxy Milky Way, third dimension.”

“Well that doesn’t tell me much,” she muttered.

“From the sound of things, you weren’t expecting it to,” I answered. “Now, where are we?”

“My answer will tell you just as little, I suppose. Equestria,” she told me, with a hint of a smile in her voice. “What species are you?”

“Equestria? I may be American, but I’ve seen a few maps. If you want to give me crap answers, maybe I should do the same for you.”

“I told you it probably wouldn’t tell you much. Now, answer the question, please.”

“Fine! Human. Technical name Homo sapiens.” Due to my lack of sleep, it didn’t occur to me at the time why she would be asking what species I was.

The younger voice said, “Hey, she didn’t ask if you prefered mares or stallions!” What the fuck? I never mentioned animals!

“Homo means same, Spike,” the female voice told him. “Now shush. Your turn, Navarone.”

Ask about the stallion thing later. “How did I get here? I remember finally managing to get to sleep, then getting pulled somewhere else.”

“Hm… Put simply, I used a spell to summon you here.” Spell? Like, magic? “I don’t really know the equivalent word in your world.” Suddenly, my mind started to make a few connections. Before I could act on them, I was being questioned again. “You are wearing clothing. What is it made of?”

My mind was alive, sparking with questions and possible answers. I knew I had to keep playing her game, though. “The shirt is cotton. The pants are denim. The socks are probably cotton. The shoes are rubber and plastic, I think. Now I might know the right question to ask. What the hell are you?” I asked her, dreading the answer.

She smiled. How I could tell, with my eyes not working, I don’t know. I could just feel it. “I,” she said, “am a pony. Welcome, Navarone, to Equestria.”

What the absolute fuck? There were many possible answers I expected to hear. An alien, maybe, or a government agent testing a teleportation device on some random guy. Some weird nerd in a basement using a voice modulator, sure. But a talking pony? That never even crossed my mind.

Not that my surprise stopped her from continuing, of course. “Your skin appears to have very little hair on it. Why is that?” she asked me.

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re a talking horse. What the hell is he?” I asked, referring to Spike. “Don’t tell me: A fucking talking rat?”

“I could count that as your next question, but I’d prefer you answer mine first.” You’re lucky I can’t move, bitch. I’d reach over there and smack you one!

“Besides,” Spike said with an insulted tone, “everypony knows rats can’t talk.”

And everyone knows ponies can’t talk either… Wait, did he say everypony? I had to admit, panic was creeping back into my mind. It was being overshadowed by anger, of course. Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be many options available to me, and knowing I needed information, I kept playing her game.

“Evolution, mixed with fashion preference. A long time ago, humans had more hair on them to keep them warm without clothes. We slowly fought our way to sapience and learned that clothes were better for warmth than a lot of hair. So we started wearing clothes to keep warm. Eventually, having a lot of hair fell out of fashion, and natural selection slowly worked on it. I’m willing to bet, in a few thousand more years, we won’t have much left. Now, what is your friend Spike?”

“He’s a baby dragon,” she replied, matter-of-factly. “I got a bit from your explanation, but what is evolution?”

Oh great. A kidnapper that wants an explanation of a difficult biological concept. Cute. Wait, what? “A dragon!? How…?”

“Well, when a momma dragon and a papa dragon love each other very much…” the woman said. “I think you know how the rest goes. Now, evolution?” Ugh.

It took me a few moments to come up with a reasonable explanation. “It is a principle of science. Sometimes, a mutation will occur in a species. An easy example would be innate blindness in a cave fish. Say the rest of the fish can still see, they haven’t been trapped there long or something. This one fish that was born blind will have a small advantage, as he won’t have to worry as much about energy since his eyes don’t work. The other fish have eyes, but they can’t see in the darkness. Their eyes are just taking up small amounts of energy. The blind fish will need less energy to survive, and thus live longer to reproduce more often. That way, his genes will spread faster through the other fish. Eventually, there’s a decent probability that all the fish in the cave will be born blind. But, outside of a cave, the blind fish would likely be eaten by a predator before he can get to the age where he can reproduce. His unfitness would get him killed, so his crappy genes wouldn’t spread as far,” I explained. “Now, what do you intend to do with me?”

“Interesting theory. It even makes sense, in a way. I hope you got all that, Spike… Now, as to what I’m going to do with you… Well, I haven’t quite decided yet. I honestly wasn’t expecting to summon anything sentient, or from another world. I don’t know if I can send you back. That spell was supposed to conjure a weakened member of the most dangerous species in the world for study. You don’t seem particularly dangerous…”

“Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with my blindness. Or the restraints I can’t quite feel. Or the long sleep deprivation I’ve had. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m coherent enough for this conversation. Gotta love adrenaline, I guess.” Suddenly, something she said hit me. “Wait, you can’t send me back?”

“There wasn’t a spell for it, and experimenting with new magic is usually suicidal, at least magic on that scale. I truly do apologize… I know an apology won’t make it up, but there’s really nothing I can do. I’ll look for a counterspell, but I can’t make any promises,” she said, sounding quite sad and morose.

“What the hell kinda scientist are you?” I asked. “What made you think bringing me here like this would be okay? Or that bringing me here at all would be right? Especially with no way of fucking sending me back! How can you possibly fucking justify that?”

“Equestria isn’t safe, so I thought I could summon something from our world, study its weaknesses, and then have it sent back to wherever it came from. But... you don’t come from this world… I didn’t know!”

“And you think that fucking excuses it? What am I supposed to do now? Wait for you to maybe come up with a solution? Try to adapt to living in some weird horse land? Or since I’m so dangerous, would you just send me off somewhere and try to forget about me?”

“I… I don’t…” She was almost to the point of tears, now.

I sighed, attempting and failing to hang my head. I don’t want to make someone cry… “If I promise not to attack you, will you at least let me down?”

I could practically hear the gears in her mind grinding. “You don’t understand,” she said at last. “If that spell worked correctly, you are the most dangerous species in the world. It was supposed to only summon monsters from this world, but you aren’t listed in any reference book I’ve seen. You could say you wouldn’t hurt me and then turn around and, well, hurt me.”

“I’m relatively pacifistic until you do something to really, really piss me off. Also, I’m blind, in case you somehow forgot. And you have magic, sharp hooves, and a dragon. What harm could I possibly do compared to that?” Discounting the stuff I still have in my pockets, courtesy of my farming job.

“He’s right, Twilight,” the little dragon said, feeling a bit better about me for the hidden compliment. “Also, you could at least remove the thing that doesn’t let him see!” I was beginning to like that kid.

Wait, what? “I’m blind because of you? Jesus, turn that shit off! At least look me in the eyes before you decide my fate!” I was more than a little angry.

She seemed rather surprised by my harsh speech. Surprised enough to not say anything for some time, at least. After a few seconds, I was starting to wonder if I should make another appeal. I opened my mouth to try something else when the fog blocking my vision started to clear. Grimly, I closed my mouth and did my best to look around the world in which I was held captive.

I appeared to be in either a library or a study. Books lined shelves partially inlaid in walls. Several tables were dotted about the room, each holding various papers and… quills? I was held, suspended by nothing, a few feet over the floor. Part of the second floor was visible from where I hung. All the furnishing appeared to be wooden.

My captors were not quite what I was expecting. The dragon was considerably smaller than I would have guessed, childish voice aside. I reminded myself he was a baby dragon, and figured she really meant baby. He was purple and green with wide eyes.

Twilight was… purple. A purple talking horse. Then I noticed she had a horn. A purple talking unicorn, it appeared. Hey, why not? Her mane was dark blue, with a deep violet line down the middle. Her tail was the same. Even her eyes were purple. Not a horse, I realized after seeing how small she was. She really was a pony, though she had very expressive eyes.

Currently, they were staring at me with what appeared to be a hint of fear, wonder, and confusion. It was somewhat hard for me to tell, however; I was hardly a people person and even then, she had a horse face.

Blinking my eyes rapidly, I took all these details down in seconds. “That’s better,” I said. “We have horses and ponies where I’m from, but I’ve never seen a purple one. Or a unicorn…” It’s amazing what you think about in situations like those. "Isn't today just full of surprises?"

“For you and me both,” she replied. “I think I’ll have to talk to the princess before I can release your other bonds. I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to risk releasing a dangerous animal in town like this.”

“He doesn’t look so tough to me,” Spike said, his false bravado showing. “I bet if you brought in Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they could crush him before he could so much as blink,” Spike told her. I couldn’t help but smile at how he perceived me. Admittedly, I wasn’t feeling so hot, but if push came to shove I could probably do a bit of damage to whoever it was they thought could crush me.

“Again, I do understand your hesitation. I hardly inspire confidence with my appearances. Perhaps you could bring in a friend or something to watch me when you make your call,” I asked with a small amount of hope. A girl like this, I was hoping, would have some weaker willed friends I could get to release me. I really didn’t want to hurt them, but I did want to be able to move again.

“Call?” she asked. “I don’t know what you mean. Spike, send the report to Celestia.”

With a flourish, he coughed up a small ball of flame and burned the message. I flinched at the unexpected flash of heat and fire.

She noticed my movement. “Don’t worry. That’s just how we send messages quickly. Her response shouldn’t take long. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know what a dragon is? You seem to have some experience with them, but I have no idea what you are!”

“Uh… They’re legends, in my world. Like, stories of things that happened a long time ago. They weren’t real, though. Seeing one… If that’s a baby, I can only imagine how cool they look when they get bigger.” Spike seemed to enjoy the attention, standing up straighter and smiling.

“What about unicorns?” she asked. “You seemed to recognize them as well.”

“More legends. Now, I have a question. You were supposed to summon something really dangerous. This room isn’t all that big. What if whatever you had summoned was too big? Or what if it had been able to break through your spells?”

She seemed a bit taken aback. “I… I hadn’t really thought of that.” So much for her having common sense. “I suppose that’s why the spell was supposed to summon a weakened version of the species. I guess I messed up somewhere, though, because I’ve never heard of anything like you before.” No shit, bitch.

I tried to shrug, but the invisible restraints around me wouldn’t allow it. “Why are you sending that message to the princess instead of the king or queen? Did she commission the experiment?”

She looked at me oddly. “We don’t have a king or queen in Equestria.”

“So… Who rules? The princess?”

“Of course! The princess has always been our ruler. Princess Celestia reigns alongside her sister, Luna, now. They were recently reconciled after centuries of separation and bitterness.”

I was about to comment on that when Spike suddenly convulsed and belched out smoke, fire, and a scroll.

It’s an odd feeling, to have your life left up to a mysterious benefactor, communicating solely through a flaming scroll. If possible, I would have crossed my fingers.

The scroll gently floated down and Spike caught it with experienced hands. Opening it, he intoned: “My dearest Twilight, you should know better than to play with dangerous magic, especially with nopony else knowing what you’re doing! What if something had gone wrong? You do have every right to pick and choose what you research, but in the future, please come to me for advice before attempting an experiment like this. Now, I trust your judgment in dealing with this creature. If he is as dangerous as you think he is, I suggest getting your friends together in case he tries to hurt you or escape. Just be careful, and remember that I will come if you call, as always. Your loving teacher, Celestia.” His recitation ended, Spike folded up the scroll and looked to Twilight.

“I’ll listen to her suggestion. I don’t think Pinkie Pie or Rarity could help much if he turns out dangerous… Spike, go get Rainbow Dash. Tell her to find Applejack and Fluttershy and to let them know we have an emergency here. Don’t give any details, just tell her to hurry, and to tell nopony else but them.”

“Fluttershy? Are you sure you want her here?” he asked her.

“Trust me, Spike. Go,” she told him. He went. “Now, Navarone, tell me why we shouldn’t leave you restrained until you’re too weak to do any harm.”

I smiled grimly. “If you keep me up here that long, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting until I die. If you do decide I’m weakened and you let me down, there’s no telling how pissed off I’ll be. I don’t usually hold grudges and I try to never hurt anyone, but I make exceptions for those who try to hurt others, especially when the others they hurt happen to include me.”

She didn’t look happy at that. “Just… stop talking for now. I’ll decide what to do when the others get here… Don’t talk to them, either, until I tell you it’s okay.”

I mockingly bowed my head. “As you command, jail mistress.” She actually stuck her tongue out at me.

We didn’t have to wait long. Spike came running in after a few minutes to see us making faces at each other. He looked on, confused, before reporting. “I found Rainbow Dash, but she was with Pinkie. I whispered it to her, but Pinkie knows something is wrong. I don’t know what she’ll do, though…”

“We’ll deal with her if we have to, but she probably won’t be a problem. You know how she is. Is Rainbow Dash on her way?”

“Of course. She doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong, but if there’s an emergency, you know she’ll be at her fastest,” he told her.

“Good. Now, Navarone, is there anything you want to tell me about before the others arrive?”

“Well…” I started. “I have some hidden weapons. I wasn’t going to tell you, just in case, but right now honesty seems a bit more of a better policy than silence. There’s a knife in my right upper pocket, a set of gloves in my left and right lower pockets, a set of keys in my left upper pocket, a wallet in my right lower pocket, and a lighter in my upper left. They can’t exactly do me much good up here, but I figure it’s probably better you know now than finding out when you release me…”

“I don’t know what half of those are,” she told me. “If that’s what you carry with you when you sleep, maybe it’s a good thing I kept you up there…” I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Now, though, stop talking. I want the others to see you as I first did, with no bias of your words. I’ll use their judgments as a basis for what the rest of the world will see.”

I sighed and nodded my assent. It wasn’t long before a copper pony with golden hair and green eyes ran in, halfway knocking the door down. She was… wearing a cowboy hat. They have a talking dragon. Why not add clothes? I saw that her hair and tail were tied off at the ends.

“What’s the emergency, Twilight?” the new pony asked, fixing me with a rancid glare. “Is this critter here doing something to hurt you? Looks like ya got it trussed up real tight.” Her accent was extremely southern, making me wonder if the two of us would get along if I ever got down.

But until I did get down, she was calling me a critter and thinking I was probably unintelligent. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax a bit. “No, he’s not a threat right now,” Twilight said. “But I want some other opinions on him before I let him down. I’ll tell you more when the others get here.”

I might well have fallen asleep while waiting for the next one, I was so tired. I just know that a sudden blast of wind set me rocking in my invisible binds. I opened my eyes to find a set of dark pink irises glaring at me.

That got me to try to recoil away, and I managed to open my eyes wide enough to find the set of eyes fixed on me were attached to a pony. My shock was still registering when I noticed she had wings. Talking ponies, unicorns, dragons, and now a pegasus? What other surprises await me?

I saw she was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored mane. Rainbow Dash, I presume? She got a relaxed grin from me, as I tried to look disarming. As soon as I remembered that I had fucking canines, I tried to show as little teeth as possible in the smile.

“Aw, this thing doesn’t look so scary to me,” the one I thought to be Rainbow Dash said with much brashness. “It looks about harmless. No strong hooves, no horn, its teeth are small enough. I don’t know why you need us here.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” Twilight said. “There’s something about him that I don’t trust just yet.”

“I feel it too,” Applejack muttered. Louder, she said, “Something about him just seems… off to me. Gives me a bad feeling, ya know? Fluttershy, you’re used to dealing with animals. What can you tell us about it?”

I didn’t even notice the other pony there, she was so quiet and unassuming. Her fur was bright yellow and she had a flowing pink mane. On her face was a curious but fearful gaze. I saw she also had wings. Applejack had to prod her to get her to speak up and even then she spoke so quietly I almost couldn’t hear her. “He scares me,” she whispered.

“Doesn’t take much to do that,” Rainbow joked at her. Twilight motioned her to stop and looked at Fluttershy to continue.

“There’s something about him that seems unnatural. I’ve never seen anything like him and I’ve been dealing with animals most of my life. But everypony should have a chance, Twilight. He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he?” Her voice was soft as silk and I could see where she got her name. She was so quiet, so shy, and her wings looked dainty. I could imagine her fluttering about the sky like a little butterfly.

“Spike, do you have anything to add?” Twilight asked him, seeing his incredulous looks between Applejack and Fluttershy.

“I agree with Fluttershy. It doesn’t seem fair to condemn him so quickly,” he said. “He’s done nothing to us but look odd and be weird. Haven’t we learned our lesson about that from Zecora?” They all had the decency to look abashed at that, whoever Zecora was.

Twilight was the first to break the silence. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you all, when you got here. Our… guest can speak.” Amid their odd looks, she continued. “Navarone, say something.”

At that point, I was just about bursting to say something. “You know I’m intelligent and educated, Twilight. You also know I am what you decided to summon. It’s not my fault that I’m here. Given the choice, I’d happily be back in my bed, the bed you ripped me out of. I told you what I have with me and how tired I am. I don’t know why I should say anything more until you decide what to do with me. As your little friend said, doesn’t everyone deserve a chance?”

They were silent for a few moments. Applejack was the first to break the silence. “You know, sugarcube, he’s right,” she said. “If what he said is true, then it ain’t fair to keep him up there.”

Rainbow Dash quickly added her two cents. “Applejack is right. I say let him down. If he tries anything, we can take him.”

Fluttershy just nodded, happy that her friends agreed that I should be given a chance.

Twilight deliberated for several tense seconds before sighing. “I guess I should tell you all the whole story, then…” She spent a few minutes recounting the tale of my conjuration, most of what I said, and about the items I had on me. “I don’t want to hold him forever, and the princess did give me leave to do as I felt was right, but the spell was made to summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Should we really risk letting him go?”

So much for not biasing them…

“We could leash him,” suggested Rainbow Dash. I gave her the nastiest glare I could and she had the grace to look away, blushing slightly. “Never mind…”

“I’ve already said I have no intention of hurting anyone. If you won’t believe me now then I doubt you ever will,” I said, looking at Twilight. The silence returned once more, the ponies looking at each other and at me a few times.

Twilight was the first to speak up. “I think we need to talk about this away from him. Spike, watch him. If he starts breaking free, make as much noise as you can and we’ll be there right away.” With that, the ponies walked out of the main library area, into some side room, trying to keep as much space between me and them as possible. I was left with the dragon.

“Tell me the truth, Spike. What are my chances for getting out of this mess?” I asked him. He looked at me with a wide smile, showing off some cool spiked dragon teeth.

“You’re gonna be fine. I don’t think anypony here would hurt you for no reason. I don’t know when they’ll let you go, but they won’t hurt you,” he told me. “How about you tell me about you humans?”

I sighed, and delved straight into a long lecture about political theories, comparing democracy, despotism, and monarchies and how they would fare under the economic systems of capitalism, communism, and socialism. He quickly shushed me, not at all understanding the majority of the words I was saying, and we waited in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, the ponies came back in. Fluttershy looked somewhat worried but resolute, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked determined, and Twilight looked… resigned. I had a good feeling.

“Don’t make any sudden movements,” Twilight warned me. That was all I got before being unceremoniously dropped to the floor. I landed hard and did my best to force my stiff knees to catch me.

I slowly straightened my back, loudly popping it as it cracked into a straight line. From the first look of it, I stood at least a head and a half over the ponies and around three feet over the little dragon. My arms folded over my chest and I stood calmly, awaiting their next move.

“I would ask that you empty your pockets,” Twilight said. “If you want us to give you any degree of freedom, we can’t have you walking around with anything dangerous.”

Sighing slightly, I did as she asked. There was not a table near me, so I knelt down and emptied my pockets. Soon enough, there was a nice little collection in front of me. I jumped a little as Twilight’s horn started glowing and the objects drifted off the floor and slowly sailed towards her. “I wouldn’t play with some of those, if I were you. You might get hurt,” I warned.

She took my hint and moved them to a small table at the edge of the room. “We’ll go over them later, I guess. For now, we have to decide what to do with you. It’s getting late and I really don’t want to leave you with any means of hurting anypony…”

I did my best to look hurt. “Hey, I’ve done everything you asked and even offered a bit more. I didn’t have to tell you about my tools and I could have fled as soon as you dropped me. No offense to your friends, but you would be hard pressed to stop me if I really wanted to get away. You have nothing to fear from me, as long as you continue to treat me fairly.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked a bit insulted at my estimations of their worth, and Fluttershy paled slightly, some of the sureness in her face gone.

Spike quickly spoke up in my defense, oddly enough. “Twilight, I really don’t think he wants to hurt us. I say we let him stay here, at least for the night. We have an extra bed, after all.” I could see that this kid was really going to be useful. And it helped that he looked really cool. I mean, come on: He’s a fucking dragon!

Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren’t very happy with that plan. “You want to leave him in the middle of Ponyville?” Applejack asked. I snorted at the name of the town. “We could easily take him to my place outside a’ town! If he turns out to be dangerous, we’ll be in a much better area to stop him.”

Rainbow Dash looked at me askance before turning her eyes back to Twilight. “Better than that, you could use that spell on him to make him able to walk on clouds, then I could take him to my place and leave him there for the night. There wouldn’t be anywhere for him to go or anypony for him to hurt.”

Twilight took a second to consider. “Moving him would be too risky. There are too many ponies around. If they see him, they might panic, or ask questions we don’t want to answer yet. Both of those plans are good possibilities for later, if we need them, but for now they wouldn’t quite work. We just have to leave him here and hope he sticks to his word…” I smiled triumphantly. “However,” she continued, “I wouldn’t mind the company, if you two wanted to stay here and help me watch him. Fluttershy, you’re welcome to go home; you haven’t been able to look at him easily since I let him down.”

Fluttershy looked at her, a bit flustered. “I’ll stay here. I know he won’t hurt us!” I’m starting to like her, too. The others, not to be outdone by this quiet pony’s easy assent, quickly added their voices to hers in confirming their readiness to watch over me.

“Come now, ladies, there’s no real need to guard me this much. I already said I intend no damage, and I always keep my word,” I told them. They gave me that typical woman look. At least some things never change. I sighed and said offhandedly to Spike, “Where I come from, there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” He burst out laughing and I got at least a smile out of Rainbow Dash before she quickly smoothed her face. I snapped my fingers in defeat. “Fine, watch me if you must. I see it’ll be hard to earn your trust.”

That was a long, long night… for them. For me, it passed just as quick as you please. At that point, I was so exhausted that they could have been yodeling and I probably would have slept right through it. No dreams, good or bad, haunted me that night. It was nice and easy.

When the sun finally peeked through the leaves on the branches outside my window—I later learned we were in a giant tree—I easily woke up and got a good look at the land in which I was now a permanent resident.

My eyes had never bore witness to a more colorful landscape. Flowers littered the ground in seemingly random jumbles, laid so well that I couldn’t tell if they were natural or not. The grass was a beautiful and vibrant shade of green the likes of which I only saw in the deepest part of spring back home. The buildings glowed with every shade of color I could imagine, not something I’d commonly see within the city from which I hailed. Looking at the sky, I could see a few pegasi in the clouds, looking like they were trying to push them around.

The first thought I had upon seeing everything was that I had to be in some kind of freaky alternate dimension. There were too many similarities for it to be an entirely new world.

Before I could take in many more details, I was pulled back from the window. I turned to see Twilight appear to shrug before saying, “Sorry, but I don’t want to risk anypony seeing you just yet.”

I sighed, rolling out of bed and stretching slightly. “What’s the agenda today?” I asked her. “More interrogations, or are you just going to deliberate what to do with me? And…” I felt my stomach shift, “I don’t suppose you have any food that I would be able to eat?”

“After your good behavior last night,” she said, getting me to snort, “we were thinking of introducing you to two of my other friends,” she continued. “And my friend Applejack brought you some—Wait. What can you eat?”

“Fruit. Meat.” She shuddered at that and looked at me with an expression I was beginning to recognize as concern. “Some vegetables. What do ponies eat?”

She looked happier to be explaining something. “Fruit, vegetables, grass, flowers. Some of us even eat leaves. So you eat meat?”

“I can eat it, yes,” I said. “But it is also possible for humans to live without it.” Though it sucks when you have to. “With Spike as an assistant, I don’t know why you would find it so hard to accept something that does eat it.”

“Spike doesn’t eat meat,” she answered, looking at me with something else in her face. Disgust, perhaps.

What the fuck kind of dragon doesn’t eat meat? I shrugged. “You said your friend Applejack brought me something. I’m willing to bet my useless money that she brought me apples?” Twilight nodded. “I can eat those, assuming they’re the same apples we have in our world.” Twilight sagged slightly and gave me what I’m pretty sure was a smile.

I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She tried searching my face for something, but gave up. I felt the same way; I had no idea how to read a pony face. “Come on down to the main room,” she said. “They’re already here.”

I followed her to the staircase and we descended into the foyer. I heard two astonished gasps. “Oh my word, what is that… thing?” one of the new ponies said. She was another unicorn, I saw. Her main body was white, with a bright purple mane and tail. Her dark blue eyes looked at me with what I thought was barely disguised fear.

The other reaction was not so rude, though it was just as startling. It was a surprised squeal and a very fast uttering of words that I had no chance at all of interpreting. I saw this one was pink, with a darker pink mane that was rather massively curly. Her light blue eyes stared at me with glee.

Since the white one seemed to be the bitchier of the two, I glared at her. “Nice to meet you too, toots. I guess you learned your manners guarding a concentration camp?”

She had the grace to look ashamed, at least. I probably shouldn’t have been so harsh, but a slowly growing anger with the entire situation at hand gave my words a sharper edge. Though, thinking about it, they probably had no idea what a concentration camp was…

Twilight cleared her throat. “Pinkie Pie, Rarity, this is Navarone. He is my… guest. He’s a human.”

I bowed mockingly.

“I apologize for my… outburst. I’ve just never seen anything like you!” Rarity said, actually sounding like she meant the apology instead of most of the dickwads I’ve run into that just say it to get out of some manner of punishment.

“Consider it forgotten,” I told her. “Where I come from, the exchange we had would not have needed apologizing, as our faults canceled each other out. I suppose I need to learn new rules here.”

Now, it seemed the pink one once again had something to say. “What are you gonna do with him, Twilight? Can we keep him? Huh, huh?”

I could tell it was going to be a long day.

One long, long day later, I was still not that much closer to many answers. Apparently, these ponies had more technology than their simple accommodations gave them credit for. Twilight led me and her friends down to a cellar full of science equipment and started to hook me up to some of it. I was feeling decidedly uncomfortable about the situation. “Are you sure all of this is necessary?” I asked, flexing my arm against the chair cuffs she had it in.

“We’re just running some tests,” Twilight told me. “We have to make sure you don’t have anything in you that might make us sick or unhealthy. Some of the containment spells I cast on you when you were summoned will be wearing off soon and I don’t want to risk anything. Cooperating will make us more willing to trust you.”

“What about the others?” I asked. “Do they really have to—”

Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot up and down my spine. “Oooh, that’s what that does!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I was left speechless, smoking slightly, my hair thrown about.

“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity said, rushing to my side. Both she and Fluttershy attempted to do some manner of comforting to me, for what little good their hooves did against my skin.

After a few moments, I spat out a bit of smoke and managed to find my voice. “Son of a bitch! Don’t. Do. That. Again!” I hissed at that horrid pink horse. “Why would you keep something like that in your lab anyway?” I asked Twilight.

At least Rainbow Dash was amused, struggling not to laugh at my disheveled appearance. The others seemed a bit taken aback, either at my voice or Pinkie Pie’s rashness. Or maybe by how quickly I recovered. Hell, I don’t fucking know.

“Well, excuse me for being curious!” Pinkie said. “But wasn’t it so cool!”

“That’s actually not supposed to happen,” Twilight said. “In fact, I don’t know how she did it.” Seeing Pinkie Pie move to show her, Twilight quickly added, “And don’t show me how it’s done, either. I don’t want him to turn violent…”

The rest of the testing went relatively smoothly, though I must admit a few of the tests had me a bit flustered. Some of their comments on the anatomical differences were also a bit… disconcerting. From their comments, I’d put these ponies at the age of young adults, maybe equivalent to our eighteen to twenty year olds. All female, of course, aside from Spike. It was, as I said, a long day.

“So as far as I can tell, you’re healthy,” Twilight told me. “I don’t know much—well, anything—about human physiology, but you look okay, even after that nasty shock.”

It was nearing night again and her friends actually left. That surprised me. “You trust me enough already to not need a group to watch me?” I asked.

“We’re a trusting species,” she told me. “Don’t abuse our trust and we’ll get along fine. Besides, from some of your actions today, you seem like a decent sort. And from what I was able to tell of your condition from some of the other… tests,” she said, blushing slightly, “you’re hardly in a position to harm us, not without some kind of weapon.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I flatly said. “Now how am I to defend myself if you decide I am some kind of threat? Should I just roll over and accept death?”

“To answer the first question, you are obviously a threat. Just probably not to us, unless, as Pinkie demonstrated, we do something to anger or hurt you. Most ponies wouldn’t do that. To answer the second, I don’t think anypony would actually try to kill you. We always try to help everypony. If that isn’t possible, exile is usually the preferred method.”

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but you can’t always get what you want. Christ, I was finding that out faster than most Africans do at a Red Cross aid station. God, I’m such a terrible person...

The next morning found me sleeping in for quite a while. God help me, but it felt good not to have to wake up for school or have to help out on a damn animal farm. I could feel myself returning to normal, for better or worse.

It was with a happy feeling that I removed myself from the guest bed. I was in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, which should have been the first sign of something bad about to come.

Twilight was waiting for me in the main room of her little hovel. Rarity was there with her, annoyingly. Not so much annoying as—well, fuck it: That pony gets on my nerves, raw and plain.

A smiling Twilight said, “Rarity is our chief fashion designer here in Ponyville. Since it looks like you’re going to be here for some time, it’s important that you have something else to wear. Or at least, it’s probably important to you. I honestly don’t think it matters to most ponies. We wouldn’t know the difference anyway.”

“Besides, what you came here in is so… Ugh,” Rarity said with no small amount of disgust. What does she have against cargo shorts and a t-shirt? “Twilight doesn’t want you seen outside this building yet, so I had to bring all my measuring tools here. I do hope you’ll accept my offer. I would love the challenge and being able to say that I was the first to design clothing for the newest discovered species!”

“I would love to accept, but I have no way to pay for the labor. It hardly seems fair, in my mind,” I said.

“Oh, you needn’t worry about that, Navarone!” Rarity quickly said. “Everypony knows you’re in a tight spot and every one of us is here to help you adjust. Getting into local fashion would help so much with that!” That’s… a semi-decent point, actually.

“...I suppose, but please don’t dress me pompously. Keep it simple. I don’t know if you can make denim, but otherwise direct copies of my shirt and pants would be good. There’s no way I’ll blend in with the crowds, but that doesn’t mean I have to stick out like a sore thumb. If anyone asks why you didn’t design better clothes, just tell them that this is the fashion back where I come from and hope no one decides to copy it.”

She seemed a bit taken aback by my tirade and possibly insulted. “Keeping it simple? Navarone, that is what a laypony is for. I’m here to dress you up like what you are: The one and only member of a species no one has ever seen before! The mystery, the intrigue!” Her voice dropped, her lower lip quivered, and her eyes got big and teary at this next bit: “You wouldn’t deny poor little me the opportunity of a lifetime, would you?”

I looked at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. She just glared until I managed to recover. “Fashion means nothing to me. I don’t care what everyone else is doing or what most of them think. As I said, if you’re going to make me anything, keep it simple.”

I honestly thought she was going to call me a heathen and try to strike me down. Sadly, Twilight stepped in. “I think what he means, Rarity, is that he doesn’t want to cause too much of a scene. His appearance will already cause quite a bit of stir. There’s no reason to make it worse unnecessarily.”

Rarity still looked ready to fight, but one look at the combined front of reason made her sigh with resignation and get to work measuring me.

I will admit, she did a fine and thorough job of it, especially for having no hands. Magic has its uses, I suppose.

“Now, about payment, or something of that nature,” I began. I didn’t get any farther, not that I really expected to.

“Don’t worry about it,” I was told. I shrugged. Your fault I’m here anyway, I thought. Still, doesn’t feel right. I hate charity.

Noticing their looks, I figured I would have to explain some human mannerisms. “That was a shrug.” That was enough of an explanation for them to understand.

Measurements done, Rarity trundled away, muttering unpleasant things under her breath. As the door closed, I turned to Twilight. “She really didn’t like that, did she?”

“She likes getting her way and she lives for fashion. Meeting somepony who doesn’t, and is willing to stick by that position, unnerved her and made her somewhat angry. You should be happy she didn’t fight the issue,” she told me. God, Rarity sounds like a bitch.

“So, what’s next on the agenda?” I asked. “Surely you have some other cruel or unusual test you need to run on me, or something else planned.”

Sadly, she didn’t rise to the bait. She’s learning. “Next, you have a meeting with the mayor. Since you still can’t exactly go wandering around Ponyville, she’ll have to come here. That means you get to help me clean up. Seeing as how you have thumbs, it shouldn’t be that hard.”

“You have magic. Why can’t you just magic the place clean?” I asked.

“There is no spell strong enough to clean up this train wreck,” she told me. I think she was exaggerating, myself. It’s probably a good thing she couldn’t see my room as I left it behind. Of course, if she had been able to see it, she probably wouldn’t have seconded me to help clean…

“And where is your faithful helper in all this?” I asked. “Surely he knows better where all these books go than I would.”

“He’s talking to the mayor, actually,” Twilight answered. “She’s so busy that it’s hard to get her to stop by alone without making it seem like too much of an emergency. So, get to cleaning.”

I’ll skip the cleaning. It was boring, though I did find they had a shitty categorical system. While we were cleaning, Twilight and I talked more about this world. I already knew about Celestia and Luna, but apparently the ponies here believed they raised and lowered the sun and moon. Now, in my world the sun rises and lowers by itself and I wouldn’t be so surprised to learn Celestia and Luna were lying about controlling them so they could force the ponies to keep them in power.

That said, I’m not stupid enough to mention it. If my suspicions were true, my head might end up on a chopping block for speaking out about it. Besides, Twilight’s a talking unicorn that can do magic. For all I knew, it actually was true that they controlled the sun and moon. I didn’t believe it myself, but it wasn’t my place to say anything.

However, I mentioned the shitty categorical system to Twilight when we were finished. “Why don’t you have a standard categorization system for books?” I asked. Hell, with their hooves, why do they even have books? It can’t be easy to turn the pages.

“We do have a system!” she said. “Every so often, I pull all the books off the shelves and put them where I think they should go. That way I’ll always know where they are.”

“…This is a library, you said.”

“Yep! The only one in Ponyville!”

“And you’re the only librarian?”

“Uh-huh. Spike helps out a bit too, of course.”

“And you don’t see any problem with the fact that no one else can find a book but you or Spike?”

“Why would there be a problem?”

“What if someone wanted to check out a book but couldn’t find it? Or what if they knew where a book was one day and wanted to come back to get it later, but couldn’t find it in the same spot and gave up?”

She blinked and asked, “Well, how do you humans organize books?”

I explained the Dewey Decimal System. About a quarter of the way into it her mouth dropped. About halfway into it, she had me start over so she could take notes.

“That’s genius, Navarone!” she said when I finished. “Why did we never think of that?”

I shrugged. “Took us a while, too. Probably why the heathens burned the Library of Alexandria; they couldn’t find the children’s section.”

Her mouth dropped. “Somepony burned a library in your world?”

“Not a library, Twilight, the library. There were scrolls in that place that were thousands of years old. All of mankind’s knowledge in one place, all lost when the barbarians put it to the torch. Damn shame. Now we keep just about everything on computers, though we still have libraries out and about.” I could tell I piqued her interest, and hid a smile. Well, Twilight isn’t suspicious of me anymore.

I’ll also skip the meeting with the mayor. It was much the same as my meeting with Twilight’s friends, though it did involve more promises not to hurt anyone without a very, very good reason. It was a very unpleasant conversation. I swear, these ponies thought I was the devil or something.

The rest of the day passed with little incident. I tried to show the ponies that I wasn’t a completely irredeemable person, but every time I saw a chance for a good one liner, I plugged it in. If you… know what I mean. I did, at least, remove most of my sex jokes. Not like those ponies would have gotten those anyway. Or at least, I don’t think they would have.

The next day brought me sleeping in quite a bit less. Thankfully, the effects of sleep deprivation don’t hit the young as bad as they do the old. I was mostly over it by that point and my senses were working better than they had in a long, long time. That enabled me to start noticing more and more about my new world.

The first thing I had a chance to notice when I woke up was a very large and very blue set of eyes right in my face. I won’t lie, I jumped. And yelled an obscenity. Pinkie Pie’s reaction was funnier, admittedly. She started hiccupping when I yelled. Have you ever seen a horse hiccup? Funniest thing I ever saw. We both started giggling.

“So aside from being creepy, why were you staring at me while I slept?” I asked her when that little episode was over.

“Well, I was going to apologize for shocking you, but then I saw you sleeping, and then I realized that I’d never seen a human sleeping before, and I wanted to see how different it would be from a pony sleeping, so I was watching you while you slept!”

All that came out in a rather quick tirade that was a bit disquieting. “Well, what did you discover? Am I that different from a pony?”

“Uh huh! Your face is all squished and flat! Also, your eyes are super small, and are a very dark green instead of the bright colors most ponies have. I didn’t notice that while you were sleeping, though…”

“Pinkie… you are a little random, aren’t you? Also, apology accepted. Accidents happen, I suppose. Hell, I’m here because of one.” In more ways than one. “So, does Twilight know you’re up here? Or did you manage to sneak past her oppressive guard?”

“Silly Nav, Twilight’s not oppressive! But she does know I’m up here.”

“Not oppressive to you, maybe, but I’ve been cramped in this library since I got here. Does she actually live here or is she just staying here?”

When she started to answer, I noticed her tail start to spaz out. I thought it was having a seizure or something, and asked her about it.

As soon as I mentioned it, she squawked and looked around for something to duck under. Just as she jumped under a table and I took the hint and fell off the bed, the window exploded and a blue mass went crashing into the far wall.

“Jesus!” I yelled. “What the hell was that?” Seeing Rainbow Dash twitching against the wall, I rushed over to check her for injuries. Surprisingly, despite crashing through several branches, a glass window, and then into a wall at a speed so fast that I couldn’t even register what she was, the pony was somehow completely undamaged. Not a feather out of place.

“How the hell are you not broken?” I asked her. “What you just did should have had you scratched to hell and probably smeared across the wall!”

“I’m used to it,” she said. “They used to call me Rainbow Crash back in school…”

Note to self: Never accept a ride from these ponies. Jesus.

Pinkie Pie was digging her way out of the wreckage around the table as Twilight started running up the stairs to see what was amiss. She just sighed when she saw her window. “Another new window… Thanks, Rainbow Dash.”

“Sorry, Twilight…” she muttered. “You know how it is.”

“So… is this a normal occurrence in Ponyland?” I asked. “I’m not certain I want to sleep in a room with a window if it is. Christ, I don’t even know how she isn’t a broken mess! You ponies must be more resilient than jets.”

They were confused by jets. I just waved it off, telling them to forget it. No use explaining tech they wouldn’t understand.

“I don’t crash that often!” protested Rainbow Dash. “Besides, I totally planned that anyway!”

“Yeah. Sure you did,” I said, somewhat resigned and rubbing my temple slightly. “Sorry if I seem a bit… testy. I’ve been trapped inside for the past few days, completely separated from any chance of ever seeing my home or family again, trapped here in a world where things thought impossible are apparently commonplace, with a load of personalities that are very different from mine. It will take some… adjustment, I suppose. Though, thinking about it, you likely wouldn’t know the difference from a testy me and a normal me.”

“We understand, Navarone,” Twilight said. “I’ve been looking for a spell to send you back, but there’s nothing about it in any of my books. I even asked Princess Celestia to look into it, but she has reported no luck. As far as I can tell, you’re stuck here…” God fucking dammit.

“So, what’s on today’s agenda?” I sighed, slowly growing resigned to my fate. Thank God for shock, I suppose. And hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and wake up to find this was all a dream.

The two other options—that I either finally went truly insane or that this was actually real—were both more terrifying than I could handle at the moment.

Anyway, the clothes were done. And apparently, a certain white pony seems to have a hard time taking instructions.

“Rarity, you seem too smart to be unable to take simple instructions. Why, I wonder, did you make me clothes that go completely against what I asked you to make? I understand we didn’t quite get off the most… understandable… start, but that’s no reason to torture me with your vibrant monstrosities,” I told her.

She was not at all pleased with my choice of words, but took great pains to hide her anger. “Because fashion cannot be dictated by one pony! Or human, I suppose. I simply couldn’t let you go on to wear more of what you are now! It would be a disgrace to my profession!”

“You are a very dramatic pony. I suppose you never thought that perhaps I wanted to go against your pony fashions? That perhaps, in doing so, I would create a counter fashion that all the ponies in the know would rush to copy? In my world, if a guest from another world came by, the cattle in charge of fashion would rush to copy his every stitch. I figured your fashion industry—if you ponies even have one, for whatever stupid reason—is run the same way. What better chance would I have to be accepted here if I, seemingly accidentally, started an entire fashion trend based off human designs?” I didn’t exactly feel right lying like that, but I was starting to just not care at all.

“Your fashion industry is run by cows?” Pinkie Pie asked. “I thought only humans could talk in your world!” I jumped when she spoke up. Honestly, I thought she had left. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, looking over the books on the shelves.

“Figure of speech, Pinkie. Figure of speech…” I said. God, these ponies are going to drive me to drink. Doubt they even have booze here…

During that small exchange, Rarity was mulling over what I said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, quite like a fish. It was… satisfying. Finally, she said, “I think I see your point, though wearing our fashions might have the same effect of helping you fit in.”

“Is it truly too much to ask for a few comforts from home?” I asked, running one of my hands over the fabric of my shirt. “Not that I really mind pony fashion, now that I see some of what you’ve made. But I would rather stick to what I know than completely submerge myself entirely. But there’s no reason to waste the cloth. If it can’t be recycled, I’ll at least hold on to these and wear them on special occasions, or something,” I told her. The beaming smile I got back almost made me regret lying earlier.

I stopped almost regretting it with what came next, of course. “You simply must try them all on!” she exhorted. Give a mouse a cookie.

“I would… but I’m sure Twilight has something else planned for me this day. Something long and dreadful that you wouldn’t want to be around for.”

“Welllll,” Twilight started. I flashed her a look and she took the hint. “Yes, actually. Run along, Rarity. I’m sure your work will fit him just fine.”

“But Twilight!” Rarity whined before being unceremoniously bundled out the door.

I sighed in relief but jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke up again. “Now we can talk about your Welcome to Ponyville Party!”

What. I gave Twilight a look. She answered me with a shake of her head. I turned to Pinkie and said, “I’m allergic to parties.”

Every bone in her body jerked as she shot her entire body toward me. Her eyes went so wide that by all rights they should have popped out. It scared the shit out of me. “What. Did. You. Say?” she uttered in a voice that should have had me quivering in fear.

But I am man, the greatest species out there, and we do not shake before prey animals. I pulled on some hidden source of willpower and said, “Parties. I’m allergic to them. Deathly so, I’m afraid. Having a party for me would be simply impossible.” Needless to say, this was all a lie.

She seemed to withdraw in on herself as she muttered something, looking as though she was deep in thought. Twilight was giving me an intrigued look. “Humans can be allergic to parties?” she asked. “What else can you be allergic to?”

“We can talk about it later, Twilight. I think Pinkie has something else she needs to say.”

She did, apparently. “I know I can’t throw you a party… but would cupcakes make up for it?”

“How about muffins instead?” I asked. “I prefer them and I don’t really like icing.”

Her mouth dropped. I thought for a second that I broke her, as her eyes seemed to glaze over. Twilight was looking at me with fear in her eyes. I almost said something when Pinkie jerked again. “We’ll see about that,” she finally announced. I had a feeling that I had made a very big mistake. She pulled something from somewhere—I don’t know where, I guess her poofy hair—and threw it on the ground, making a cloud of pink smoke. When it dissipated, she was gone.

I seem to be getting a lot of practice with long-suffering sighs, lately. Something told me that this was only the beginning.

“You’re sure this is a good idea?” I whispered. “It’s not too late to just kill me and sweep my corpse under the rug, you know."

“Killing you would make too much of a mess and would ruin all the effort you put into cleaning this place,” Twilight whispered back. She was getting used to my kind of humor. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. “Besides, it’s not like we’re going to be giving you a grand entrance. You’re just going outside and anypony that wants to ask, will. Then I’ll have to explain that you’re an interdimensional being that I accidentally summoned and that you are part of the most dangerous species anywhere.”

“Gee, when you put it that way, I’m sure everything will go just fine,” I said. “Tell me again about what happened with that zebra, and how well the town took it. At least a zebra is pony shaped!”

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were nervous. I thought you were too calm and collected for that! Just remember the plan,” she said. “Now, are you ready?”

“No,” I replied, pushing open the door to the bright world beyond.

“It is my opinion as the ambassador to the human race,” Twilight said a few hours later, “that it could have been worse.”

“You need to learn to lie better. We’ll have to work on that,” I told her. Admittedly, she wasn’t wrong. I could be dead right now or completely ostracized. I can’t really say it was that bad, really. Some people—people, ponies, whatever—just don’t know how to stick to a plan.

The plan was simple. Twilight and I decided that it would be best if the residents of Ponyville saw me together with respected ponies, talking and laughing and whatnot. We were going to make a circuit of the town, meeting with each of Twilight’s friends and moving on after a short while, answering questions as they were asked. Simple enough, right?

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, I’ve always heard. I was hoping to be an exception. That’s what I get for hoping.

It started innocently enough. Rainbow Dash was supposed to do some manner of show or something silly like that in the park. Twilight and I showed up for that, trailed by a large group of ponies that were staring at me and wondering, often aloud, just what the fuck I was.

I can’t tell you how many times we answered that damn question. It was in this first outing that I learned how truly skittish those damn ponies were.

Either way, Dash’s show went reasonably well until she came down to talk with us, to ‘ask for suggestions.’ I didn’t really know shit about flying, so I just told her to do a barrel roll. You know, what anyone would tell her to do.

It ended poorly with a freak accident involving clouds, feathers, and crashing into a fucking mountain that appeared out of nowhere. Twilight rushed me off before too many of the ponies could accuse me of being evil and causing the accident. I later learned that Dash was perfectly alright somehow.

Our next stop was Rarity’s villa. On the way there I tried to explain to Twilight some of the physics behind what Dash was doing. Truth be told, I was still a relative layman to hefty subjects like that, but I knew more than the average person. I was honestly quite surprised at how easily Twilight understood what I was telling her. Sure, she’s smart and all, but understanding physics without seeing it worked out is something else.

But I digress: Rarity’s fashion shop, the Carousel Boutique. I’ll admit, I grimaced when I saw it. The place was so… garish, actually being decked out like a carousel. Some of the witnesses saw my expression and the teeth that came with it and visibly shuddered.

That stop went a little better. Rarity was asked to have her store closed that day, to facilitate the meeting. “Hello Twilight, Navarone,” the white unicorn said after opening the door.

“Hello, Rarity,” Twilight answered.

I just said, “Howdy.”

“Please, come inside,” Rarity said, holding the door open for us. Into the belly of the beast the two of us went, the door to the comparative safety of the town closing behind us. “I apologize for the mess.” There wasn’t one. The entire place was clean. “I’ve just been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to keep it up.”

“That’s no problem,” Twilight said with an easy smile. “So what did you have planned?”

“Why, a tea party!” Oh God why. “What better way to demonstrate Mister Navarone’s manners?”

“Oh boy,” I sighed, not even trying to sound enthusiastic. Why did tea parties have to be a thing here? Can they even hold the cups? “And you’re sure the manners we humans have are the same as those you ponies have?”

“Well that’s what we’re here to find out, isn’t it?” Rarity asked with a very assured smile.

“...Alright, I guess. But I wasn’t part of any kind of fancy society, so don’t expect much from me.”

“Oh, don’t worry, dear. Everypony has some manners. Just do your best and I’m sure that’ll be fine.” ...Did I just get insulted?

Anyway, so began Rarity’s little tea party between me, her, and Twilight Sparkle. It was going fairly well until the front door slammed open. Thankfully, we were in the kitchen, so we didn’t really see any of what was happening in the main room.

“It is I, Photo Finish!” some female voice said with an Eastern-European accent.

Rarity’s eyes slammed open and her head jerked toward the door to the front room. If she wasn’t already completely white, I’d say she paled. After a few seconds of silence, she quickly turned back to Twilight and quietly hissed, “Out!”

“But—”

Rarity’s horn lit up and the back door in the kitchen slammed open. “Now!” she whispered, even more hectically. From the frantic look in her eyes, I don’t think we had long before she’d get violent. Needless to say, I stood and quickly let myself out, trusting that Twilight would follow.

As I’m sure you can imagine, having to sneak out the back door did wonders for what the townsponies thought of me.

Pinkie Pie was next.

Pinkie Pie… I didn’t much care for her at the time. Sure, she was incredibly nice and kind and all that fun stuff, but she was just too… too much. Too chipper. Too happy. Too much in love with icing.

When Twilight and I got to the bakery at which she works, the lights immediately shut off. A single spotlight showed us a table with three chairs. If it had been night, I would have called this creepy. But since this was day and the windows were open, the lights being off did nothing. We were able to perfectly see Pinkie standing next to the light switches, watching us with a disturbing smile.

Twilight face-hoofed. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”

Pinkie’s eyes darted left and right. When she saw us still looking at her, she covered her eyes with a hoof. A moment later she peeked out to see us still staring. I crossed my arms. “Ugh, just sit down!” she finally said. Twilight and I did as she said, sitting at the table indicated.

When we looked back over to Pinkie’s spot, she had disappeared. “So what’s this all about?” I asked.

“I have no idea. You were supposed to show her how to bake something from your world. I guess… she had something else in mind?”

Something tightened around my eyes and I went blind. I immediately shot a hand to the blindfold and pulled it off. Another one replaced it. I took it off. Another went up. I stood up and removed it, glaring behind me. I saw Pinkie next to a large stack of fabric that wasn’t there when I sat down. “Can I help you?” I asked in a harsh voice.

“Yes! Sit down and let me blindfold you.”

“That doesn’t sound very enjoyable. How about we not do that?”

“Psh. Silly, that’s not how it works!”

“Twilight?” I said, looking over to the purple pony.

“Pinkie, what are you doing? I’m sure if you explain it, Navarone will be more willing to cooperate.” Like hell.

“Well, I remember him saying that he didn’t like icing or cupcakes as much as muffins, so I’m planning on proving him wrong! I’m going to blindfold him and force-feed him muffins and cupcakes until he agrees that my cupcakes are better than Derpy’s muffins!” Sounds hot. Or at least, if we weren’t talking about horses.

“I don’t know who Derpy is, but I really don’t like icing. I don’t mind the actual cupcakes, as long as they don’t have icing on them.” I shrugged. “Too sugary for me.”

Pinkie jerked back and muttered something that I swear sounded like “Blasphemy.” I didn’t really care, though.

“So… why don’t we just go with the original plan?” Twilight asked. “Navarone doesn’t seem to like icing and if he says it’s too sugary, it’s too sugary. We don’t know what his human body and taste buds are like, Pinkie.”

“Then let’s test them! Now if you would just sit down and let me blindfold you, we can begin.”

“I’m willing to do half of those, and that’s the half that doesn’t involve blinding me. You’re really making this overly difficult.”

“Me? I’m not the one that’s making this difficult. You’re the one that’s refusing to let me blindfold you!”

Twilight sighed. “Pinkie, don’t blindfold Nav. Nav, sit down. We have a schedule to follow and if we don’t follow it we’ll be late. If we’re late, Nav won’t be able to get everywhere and if he can’t get everywhere he won’t be accepted!”

We both looked at her oddly. “I don’t think that’s how it works,” Pinkie said. “If he’d just let me throw him a party all of Ponyville would meet him!”

“I’m allergic to parties, remember?”

“Yeah, but I’m sure we could find some lotion or something!”

“Deathly allergic,” I said. “As in, I would die.”

“At least you would die smiling!”

“There are other ways I’d rather die, thank you,” I flatly answered.

Twilight looked a bit intrigued at that. “What does your culture have to say about death?” she asked. That it fucking sucks.

“I think we can talk about that later,” I answered. “I’m pretty sure we still have to deal with Pinkie. So, are you going to not blindfold me?”

Pinkie looked at the piece of cloth she had in her hooves. With a sigh she let it fall. “Fine. But you’re still going to try my cupcakes!”

Dammit. “Fine. I’ll try a maximum of three.”

She rocketed off to the kitchen as I joined Twilight at the table again. “So…” she said.

“If I end up living here, am I going to have to put up with that often?”

She sighed. “Pinkie’s… different. Just be happy she isn’t forcing you to go to a party anyway.”

I didn’t have time to answer. Pinkie came bustling out of the kitchen, pulling a cart lined with at least fifty cupcakes.

“Okay, eating that many would make me really, really sick,” I said. “It’s a good thing you two are sharing.” Pinkie stopped the cart at our table and set out several trays of cupcakes. Each one was unique. “Good lord. I thought we were going to be eating cupcakes, not art,” I said, looking at them.

“Silly, cupcakes are art! All the more reason to like them!” She grabbed one and shoved it into her mouth.

“That was kind of horrifying,” I commented. “How about you not do that again?”

“How else am I supposed to eat them?” she asked after swallowing it whole.

“By taking decent sized bites? Or at the very least chewing before you swallow? Or,” I asked, turning to Twilight, “do ponies not need to chew?”

“Most of us do,” she said. “Pinkie’s just… special.”

“Now when you say special—”

“Dig in, Navi!” Pinkie yelled, shoving a cupcake across the table at me.

“Hey listen, please don’t call me that.” I picked the cupcake up and looked it over. The top was saturated in pink icing. The rest of it looked normal. I sighed and took a bite. I almost gagged on the sugar, just barely managing to force it down. I finished the cupcake off and swallowed with what felt like a grim finality. Pinkie was looking at me with such a hopeful expression. “No.”

She blinked. “No?”

“No,” I confirmed.

Her ears fell. “No…” She grabbed another cupcake and pushed it forward, her ears raising a bit.

“No. That almost made me throw up from how much sugar it had in it. I don’t know how you can stand it.”

“But… but…” She pulled that one back and pushed one with a tiny bit less icing forward.

“No.” That process continued for a minute. I rejected six more.

“Perhaps I can help,” Twilight said. She used her magic to pull a cupcake with almost no icing out and removed all of it. She passed the glob of icing to Pinkie, who devoured it. The cupcake flew my way.

I sighed and grabbed it, taking a hesitant bite. “Edible, but only just. Even this has a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. Human bodies aren’t meant to take too much sugar. We can easily get sick and even die from too much. I have no idea what the limit is, but I imagine eating a few more of these would put me there until my body started breaking the sugar down.”

Pinkie looked depressed, now. “How can you live without being able to eat such tasty treats?”

“We get by on other things. I don’t care for sweets all that much anyway. My diet is already going to take a kick while I’m here. I shouldn’t interrupt it any more than necessary.”

“Well, what kinds of food did you used to eat back home?” Pinkie asked.

Now there’s a conversation I can get into. I told her all about some of the better vegetarian dishes. Salsa, nachos, pizza, mushrooms, sautéed vegetables, all that good stuff. At the end of the conversation, we made nachos from stuff that was just lying around the bakery. It was pretty fucking awesome. By the time we left, I no longer considered Pinkie as annoying. In fact, that was pretty much the best showing all day. We departed on amiable terms, with her promising to look into the other things I mentioned.

The plan dictated that we visit Fluttershy next. This was the worst trip of the day: Fluttershy wasn’t there. And while we knocked and knocked and waited and waited, the muttering in the small crowd of onlookers that followed us grew louder.

“The poor pony is so scared she won’t even open the door!” one said.

“Why won’t they leave her alone?” another asked. “It’s obvious she won’t open that door.”

And so on. It was… bad. I quietly suggested to Twilight that we move on. She hastily agreed. We later found out why Fluttershy wasn’t there: an animal emergency came up and she was called away to deal with it. A justifiable excuse, but the rep I lost with the crowd made me wish the animal she was called to deal with had just died.

Our last stop was Applejack, of course. The plan was for us to go to the farm, stay for a short time so I could help out or something, and then have her follow us back into town. We went on down to the farm and stayed for a while, and that’s where the problem was: I don’t know shit about harvesting plants. My family worked with animal farms, not growing farms. And the animals we had couldn’t fucking talk, so taking care of them proved a very different task than what I was used to.

Some things were the same, though. She had chickens that I deftly stole eggs from, pigs that I fed with no problems, and… ugh, cows that I introduced myself to.

But when it came to harvesting apples? I watched Applejack kick a tree with her back legs, something she called ‘apple bucking,’ and just shook my head. “No way in hell,” I said. “You got a roof or fence I can repair? A well to dig? More animals to take care of?”

“Hm… We do got ourselves a fence that needs fixin’ up. Cain’t promise our tools’ll fit your hands that well, but you’re welcome to give it a shot.”

I smiled, my hands clenching at the prospect of something I could actually do. “We talking barbed wire or wooden?” I asked as she led me to her barn.

“...What the hay is barbed wire?” she asked. “It sounds… painful.”

“Ah… If you don’t know, don’t worry about it.” No need to tell her we use pain to keep our animals in line…

As it turns out, they didn’t have any nails. Which is somewhat strange, because what kind of farm doesn’t have hundreds of rusty nails just sitting around, completely forgotten about?

But whatever. It just meant that I got to help Rainbow Dash tear down the barn, which was fun. Without a sledgehammer, though, my part in it was basically just telling her about structural weaknesses.

The rest of the plan went off without a hitch. The problem is, the rest of the plan was walking back.

“God, but I could use a drink…” I muttered. It was a few days after my first excursion and the populace was still getting used to me. It was slow going, though being seen outside and alone with Fluttershy helped tremendously.

She wasn’t well-known as a pony, but she was well respected as a friend of Twilight and for being the best at her job. Besides, if someone that seems so shy, reserved, and graceful could get along with something like me, obviously anyone else could as well.

“We’re close to a river, if you want to stop and get something to drink,” Fluttershy said softly. This pony is way too nice for her own good.

“Not what I meant. Let’s just get to where we’re going and call it a day.”

“Oh… Okay.”

We walked in silence for a few moments. In the time I had been able to go outside, I had made a few observations about the environment. The first thing I noticed was how truly beautiful the entire place was.

Since it was fall, all the trees in our path were bright and colorful, showing off the full spectrum of leafy colors. There was no smog or pollution in the air, but I found out that had more to do with Ponyville being in the absolute fucking boondocks than anything else. Industrialization hadn’t really hit Equestria yet at that point, so there wasn’t much smog at all, but the bigger cities had more problems. Basically, the same as back home.

Another thing I noticed was that all the animals seemed to get along, at least from what I was able to tell. I even saw bunnies mixing with ferrets, though I thought I sensed something underhanded going down between them. I couldn’t say what, though, and I didn’t feel like dwelling on it.

The third thing I noticed was also the most shocking and surprising: the pegasi controlled the weather. I have no idea how to explain it, but they can all move clouds and make them rain. I learned that most pegasi actually live in the clouds, as they are able to stand on them. When I asked Twilight about it, she seemed just as shocked to learn of conditions on Earth as I was about conditions here. She mentioned something about the Everfree Forest and got an odd look on her face.

That’s where Fluttershy and I were, by the way. We were on the way to meet someone named Zecora, the zebra that was mentioned before. Twilight wanted to know if Zecora had seen anything like me before and figured it was best to let the ponies see me alone with Fluttershy to prove I’m harmless.

Something disturbed my reverie. I shook myself out of it and looked around. Fluttershy had stopped and was for some reason cowering and whimpering on the ground. I had no idea why, until I turned around and saw a chicken approaching us. Then I saw its body and stopped in my tracks. What the hell?

“C-c-c-cockatrice!” Fluttershy groaned.

“Cockatrice? Isn’t that one of those critters that turns you to stone?” At her barely perceptible nod, I raised an eyebrow. “Want me to kill it? Doesn’t seem that hard, as long as I don’t look it in the eye.”

She gave me a horrified look.

“Hey, I’m just asking. You’re the one cowering before it. We could easily just sort of, I don’t know, close our eyes and skirt around it. Or you could use your animal taming powers and turn it into a friend.”

“The last time I encountered a cockatrice, I was only able to beat it because it was threatening my friends!” Well geez, that shows what you think of me…

“Fine, we can turn back if you want. You get to explain to Twilight why, though. Still say you should just let me wring its neck. I bet with that chicken head, it would kill it just fine.” Her eyes widened even more, which reminded me that she kept chickens. Heh, oops.

One night, after another attempt to get the ponies acclimatized to me, Twilight started asking questions about Earth.

“What kind of place is your world?” was the first thing she asked.

I sighed and thought of an answer that wouldn’t offend her delicate pony sensibilities. “That is a hard question to answer. I will tell you what I have told you before, as a bit of a disclaimer: I am not a normal human, in many ways. Earth… it’s full of stupid people. Individually, humans are mostly decent beings and can think well. Put them in a group and they tend to lose both decency and the ability to think. Sadly, the world I left was designed by groups, for groups. There are decent people and there are bad people. Personally, I’ve always been of the opinion that the good and evil are balanced, in a way.”

“Huh. Here, it seems that most everypony is more good than anything else!”

“It’s the same where I’m from. Most people are good, but there are a few really, really bad guys that bring the rest down, like Pol Pot. But then, morality is relative, if you think about it.”

“What does that mean?”

“There is no definite right or wrong. The concepts only exist as they are viewed by individuals. One person may find stealing morally wrong, while another may find it justified, since they were able to take something another person was unable to protect. Who is one person, after all, to declare one approach unilaterally wrong? We may not agree with it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t right. Of course, my world is filled with people that don’t agree with that idea and form groups around those that think alike. They often persecute those that think differently. Countries are formed, borders are drawn, and people do their best to stick together with those that agree with them. It usually works fine. Sometimes it doesn’t and then war happens…”

“Different countries? War? Your people are not united?” I could tell it was a concept she found hard to grasp.

“Not even close. Half the world hates the other half and no one country truly trusts each other. We don’t have your equivalent of Princess Celestia. Where I came from, we didn’t even have a monarch. We elected our leaders. It’s a good system, when your population is decently educated.”

“What do you do for common protection, then? How do you deal with monsters?”

“We conquered nature a long time ago. There are still a few events of animals attacking humans, but it’s rare. We hail from predators, after all, while it seems you ponies evolved from prey. Thus, we defend ourselves better. What is more dangerous to everyone in my world are the monsters inside of us. When we ran out of real dangers, we started inventing them. People are easily misled and can be fooled into thinking something is a threat that really isn’t. With the invention of TV, this was made super easy.”

“What is TV? A mind control device?”

I smiled at that. “In a way, yes. It’s a piece of technology that puts moving images on a screen and sound comes out of speakers on the side.”

“Oh, like a projector!”

“Sort of. Ours were considerably more advanced, but they did start out as projectors. There are several different things you can watch on TV, with tons of different ‘channels,’ each with different themes of shows. Evil invention, though sadly necessary. People use them for information or entertainment.”

“Hm… So what was your place in the world?”

“I was a student, still. I was almost at the end of my basic education, before going off to a university. I’m eighteen in human years. I don’t know what that translates to in pony years. Basically, I was still learning.”

“You seem pretty intelligent for somepony still learning. How can you say people are so stupid when you are still learning and yet seem to know so much?”

“There are a lot of problems with those assertions. First, I was almost done with school. I was on the last three months of the last year of the main education system. Second, I went to a school designed to push those who are smarter than most others. We learned a hell of a lot more there than most people do. Third, I only seem intelligent because you likely have no idea what half of what I say is about. I am merely a layman in most subjects, with very little real training. Basically, what I know only scratches the surface of what there is to know.”

“Sometimes you seem almost a braggart, and sometimes you sell yourself short. I can’t get a fix on you.”

“What can I say? I’m the most humble man on the planet.” It came out before I could think about it, but when I did, I realized it was quite literally true. I sighed at the implications of being the only one of my species out there.

“What’s wrong?”

“Humans have a pretty good life span. I’m going to be alone among ponies for a very long time. Every time I think I’m resigned to it, another thing goes off in my mind that I’ll miss. No more internet, no more books, no more music, no chance of love or raising a family or finding a mate, and from the state of affairs with the other ponies, there’s a good chance I’ll remain forever a pariah. C’est la vie…”

She looked rather crestfallen at the aching sadness in my voice. I keep forgetting it was her fault that I’m here.

I tried to make up for what I said, since I really don’t like making people sad. “At least I ended up in a realm where most of the residents aren’t trying to kill me. All the ponies I’ve run into have been rather kind, even if they are dismissive or fearful of me. If I had to be stranded anywhere, this is probably the best place for it.”

It didn’t do much to cheer her up, but there didn’t really seem to be all that much that could be done. After all, it was her fault I was there. What more can really be said?

The next day, I had a meeting with Applejack to discuss farming methods and uses of different crops.

“I will tell you straight up, I am not much of a farmer.” We had already been over all of that, but I wanted to make sure she remembered. “Most of the work I ever did on a farm was helping to feed animals and baling hay. What little I know is learned from books or general education,” I told her.

“That’s alright. We ain’t really here for much more than show anyway. Just tell me what you can and we’ll see if it’s useful.”

“Okay… I don’t suppose you’d need to know about pesticides. Those are poisons we use on crops to kill off any kind of pests. They’re both good and bad, as they can cause a lot of harm to the environment, but they do kill most bugs. I don’t suggest them, not with the system you have set up.”

“What about fruit bats?” she asked. “Those pests get dug in good and they’re a pain to get rid of.”

“...Did you try making really loud noises? I think bats in my world have sensitive ears.”

“That might work. But those things can really destroy crops. We just figured it would be best to let ‘em stay in a part of the field we don’t use much.”

“Well, if that works… Anyway, I haven’t seen your entire farm, but irrigation might be an option. It’s where you dig small canals throughout your farm so getting water here and there is easier. Not a necessity, but it can be really useful on a huge farm.”

“Irrigation, huh? Might have to keep that one in mind. Big Macintosh has to spend whole days hauling water, sometimes.”

“I’m sure you probably know just about every way to cook apples there are. Do you know about apple cider, apple brandy, or apple jack?”

“We know everythin’ there is to know about cider! And I know my name is Applejack, but I don’t know about anything called that, though…”

“Huh. Well, I refuse to be the one that brings alcohol to Ponyland.” Even with as much as I could use a drink.

“Well shoot, now you got me curious. What’s alcohol?”

What can a little knowledge hurt? “A mind altering substance that can make you feel either good or bad, depending on your mood. It causes all manner of problems where I come from, so I’m not going to be introducing it here. I don’t know how well ponies would take that stuff anyway. You’d probably need enough to drown a horse to get you drunk. No pun intended, of course. Though it would give me a chance to use a few jokes... So a pony walks into a bar... Eh, nah.”

“Sounds like it might be okay for a few special occasions, when everypony’s already happy. I don’t know what could be so bad about it.”

“Remember, I’m talking about human use. We’re unpredictable at the best of times. Imagine how we would be if you gave us something that altered us in unexpected ways. Some people are harmless drunks. Some people aren’t. Should we really risk finding out what it would do to ponies? Though thinking about it, that might be a great prank to pull on Rainbow Dash…”

“I do owe her a big one for that last doozy she gave me. If you can make something to help get back at her, I can bring you some apples.”

“This seems like a mean idea, but a fun one. I’m in, if you won’t tell anyone it was me that did it. It’ll take a month to brew something worth drinking, though. I suppose Twilight probably has everything else I need in her lab. It’s fall, right?”

“Yep. Why? Does it cook better in a warmer season or something?”

“Colder, actually. You have to deep freeze it for a while. I might show you how to make it, if you swear you’ll only do it after we test it, and then only for family celebrations. I don’t want anyone to know that I was the one to start making this stuff, if it turns out bad.”

“You have my word, Nav. But uh, if it’s as bad as you say, maybe we shouldn’t test it at all…”

“I don’t think a single test would hurt too bad, as long as we take precautions. We’ll have to make sure she can’t fly and that she stays safe until it wears off. This stuff can really impair your movement until it wears off.”

“This is sounding better and better!”

“Yeah. But it’s a relatively complicated formula. I hope Twilight has everything we’ll need in her lab.”

We spent a few more minutes discussing boring farm crap. I was able to remember a bit more than I thought, though I honestly doubt most of it was helpful.

Later that day, I asked to check Twilight’s lab.

“Why do you need to go down there?” she asked.

“Just a project I might be working on with Applejack, should you have the right supplies. An experiment of sorts, you could say,” I told her. I figured if the word experiment didn’t get her, nothing would.

“If you’re planning it with Applejack, where is she?”

“Getting some other supplies, of course. I didn’t figure you’d keep a load of apples down there.”

“Well, okay… I don’t see what harm you could possibly do with an experiment about apples, of all things.” With that, she led me down to the lab and helped me look for what I needed.

When she heard my list, she looked at me incredulously. “What kind of experiment did you say this was, again?”

“A surprise experiment. You have Applejack’s word that it won’t come to much or any harm.” She shook her head, but said nothing. Man, Applejack’s word must be worth a lot around here.

The next day, Applejack showed up with the apples. We started the brew, after I gave her the disclaimer that I had never actually made any booze. I told her what should happen and how it should go. It took a while to get it set up.

When it was finally ready to start going, she chuckled darkly at the contraption we had set up. “This’ll teach her to paint all my apples!”

I knew better than to ask.

Given that my first trip to Zecora’s abode failed, Twilight decided to wait until Zecora made one of her trips into town to try again. So it was that the extremely strange zebra and I met for the first time in Twilight’s library. The purple mare herself was off doing something, giving us privacy.

“Something of your nature I have never seen,” Zecora said as soon as we got settled down. “Stranger yet, your demeanor doesn’t seem mean!”

“Did you just rhyme?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“A rhyme I did just speak, so you needn’t be meek. There are many strange things here in this land, in lush jungles and vast stretches of sand. As someone who is undoubtedly quite new here, how will you make a life in a place without peer?”

“I don’t fucking want to. Given the choice, I’d rather go home. But that autistic purple horse doesn’t seem to be able to figure out how to send me back. If I truly get stuck here… I have no clue what I’ll do.”

“Would it truly be so bad? Would living here drive you mad?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. It’s only been a little over a week. The ponies seem nice, but they’re all so cautious and skittish. This place is not at all where I belong. But… there’s nothing I can really do about it. Magic is apparently relegated to things with horns and the princess Twilight keeps harping about isn’t doing shit to help. Whether or not it will drive me mad isn’t really the question. It’s whether or not I have a fucking choice.”

“There is always the choice to live or to die. But I suggest giving living here a try. To you, living here and finding the right place will be quite odd. But you’ll find the happiness the ponies have is no facade. Their happiness is true, and it could fit you, too.”

“I could grow happy here… Or Twilight could find a way to send me back. Why adjust to something unnecessarily? And hell, what about my family? I left things behind, Zecora. Things that can’t be forgotten. How do you think they feel about me just fucking disappearing?”

“I, of all ponies, fully understand your true fear. You aren’t the only one who’s left behind someone dear. We were the both of us exiled from our home, and forced into a life where we must now roam. Here is where I have now chosen to settle, despite the attempts of a few to meddle. I’ve made a good life, free from too much strife. Ponyville is quite a nice place, with many neighbors and much space.”

“Shit, it’s not like I have much of a choice anyway. Even if I did know somewhere better to go, I’m stuck in case Twilight finds a way to get me back…” We shared a moment of silence, since I couldn’t think of much to say. “So uh, what’s with the rhymes?”

“There will be another time later to tell that tale. For now, I must go to the market and find a sale. There is not much time before it grows dark, and upon my trip home I must embark.”

“Well… It was nice to meet you.” I think. “And I suppose I’ll probably see you later.”

And so went what was perhaps the strangest meeting I ever had.

Chapter Three—Just Say No

Chapter Three—Just Say No

The next day, I decided it might be wise to check up again on Rainbow Dash, to make sure she wasn’t still feeling hung over. I knew it was unlikely, but I figured it was probably a good idea to check.

It wasn’t until I got to her house, however, that I remembered it floats. And that I can’t fly.

I was thinking about trying to get her attention, wondering if a rock would fly through her house or potentially damage something, when I heard a loud trundling behind me, followed by a yelled warning of, “Look out!”

I quickly twisted around, saw what was coming, and just barely jumped out of the way in time.

“Of course,” I muttered, picking myself up off the ground. “It would be Pinkie Pie who managed to latch onto a runaway wagon, of all things.” I saw Fluttershy trying to catch up, alongside Scootaloo on a little scooter. I still don’t know why they made a scooter in this world. Makes no sense. Fluttershy stopped next to me to make sure I was fine. I watched the filly pass, saying, “Scootaloo, I could have expected. Pinkie Pie, yeah, no stretch.” With them passed, I turned to Fluttershy. “But how did they rope you into this, Fluttershy?”

“They asked for a responsible pony for something. I didn’t know what, at the time! Could you please help us?”

I sighed and started running to catch up to Pinkie Pie. “How is she even still going that fast? There isn’t an engine on that thing and the ground is relatively level!”

Scootaloo answered, “We built a ramp way back there somewhere! A very big ramp. Also, what’s an engine?”

“…Never mind.” Far be it from me to give those irresponsible little girls something like an engine. “How are we going to stop her before she crashes into something bigger than she is?”

“I don’t know, but being a rescuer shouldn’t be this hard! Can you see if I have a cutie mark?”

Only in Equestria does a girl ask you to check out her ass. “Nope.”

“That just means I have to actually catch up to her!” With that, Scootaloo put on an extra burst of speed. I was hardly an athlete back on Earth and I hadn’t done too much exercise since I got here. Hell, I barely managed to keep up with Fluttershy.

“Damn kids. How do you manage them?” I asked her.

“Oh, I’m just good with foals… You know how it is.”

“Whatever. Hey, it looks like Pinkie is slowing down!”

Pinkie thankfully managed to stop right in front of a large lake near the forest. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to dive in that thing, but when I asked the Cutie Mark Crusaders about it, they got pale and changed the subject.

Fluttershy and I finally managed to catch up to the two of them. Scootaloo was showering Pinkie Pie with a mix of accolades and admonishments while Pinkie Pie was trying to get her ground legs back after that hellish ride.

“So,” I said, “what was the purpose of that again?”

Scootaloo said, “We were going to put Angel in the wagon and push him down the ramp. Then I was supposed to chase after him and quickly catch him, hopefully earning an animal rescuer cutie mark. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were supposed to try to calm him down and make sure he was okay. Instead, Pinkie Pie was walking by, saw the wagon, thought it looked like a roller coaster, and jumped in. We didn’t plan the ramp very well, obviously…”

“You were going to do what with Angel?” Fluttershy asked, obviously somewhat disturbed.

I noticed then that she was actually still holding him protectively, despite his violent protests. I held my hand out for a quick bro-fist bump with the guy. He obliged; say what you want about his size, that little dude was okay sometimes. But only sometimes, as I later found out.

“We weren’t going to hurt him!” Scootaloo protested.

Fluttershy started to reply, but Pinkie Pie interjected, “That was fun! Can I do it again? Oh, hi Navarone! How was your experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?”

“It went better than expected, actually, though I wouldn’t bring it up with Rainbow Dash. I doubt she will remember it fondly. I was actually on my way to check up with her when I was interrupted by a runaway pony.”

“Well, that’s rude! Somepony needs to learn to control his or her speeds!” Typical Pinkie Pie: ignore the obvious in favor of the silly.

“I suppose we should get this wagon back to the ramp,” I sighed. “I think the girls wanted to try an experiment of their own.”

“Not with any of my animals, they won’t!” Fluttershy said. “If… if that wouldn’t be a problem…”

Scootaloo sighed. “Fine! We can be human rescuers instead!”

That got my attention. “Wait, what now?”

Several bruises—and no cutie marks—later, I found myself wandering the marketplace. Their market had none of the hubbub of a busy bazaar, or any other market I’m used to back on Earth. There was no music playing in the background, very little muted speech going on, and all the speech that takes place sounded happy.

It’s like a happy memory of what 1950’s small town America would be like. The only difference is that I’m the communist here, and I’m not ‘your neighbor’ or ‘your best friend,’ but rather, I’m the outsider, the one everyone can tell doesn’t belong just by looking. It is disquieting in a way, though I know by now all the ponies are used to me. They managed to get used to Spike and Zecora, so thankfully it didn’t take most of them long to stop staring at me.

But I digress. I was walking through the marketplace, looking at the small amount of wares available. Ponyville is not a large place at all, so there really wasn’t much to look at. A few pieces of furniture, a small number of antique books, a few cloth stores, a doodad shop, and many food places.

Even if there was anything I’d want to buy, I had no money with which to buy it. All the cash I had was defunct, all the plastic I had was worthless. Coins had some small value, but gold—in the form of bits—appeared to be the common denomination here.

I don’t render any real services, nor do I have the right to say I’m a personal student or friend to the beloved princess, even if I was a new friend to the lesser known princess. In short, I was dependent on Twilight. It was not a comforting feeling.

I wandered through the marketplace, thinking of ways to earn my keep. I had enough ideas from Earth to become a writer, but no pony would want to or need to try to read through a political treatise or any of the books I typically read back home.

If I could find someone to pay bounties, I could become a hunter. There are enough dangerous creatures out there for the job to pay well. I could also become a guide through the forest, or I could collect herbs and ingredients. It would be a dangerous job and a job that not many ponies would really want to pay me for, but it could be profitable.

There’s also the very, very useful fact that I have thumbs going in my favor. Anything a pony would want to grasp would have to be done with their mouth or with magic. That pretty much makes my use nearly infinite. Infinite, if I could get the ponies to stop fearing me so.

And there’s also the possibility of remaining tethered to Twilight. Spike and I have different uses to her. He’s good for manual tasks and being a guinea pig. He is very resistant to both magic and physical problems, and has survived more than one magical accident that would have seared me to the bone.

I, however, am a thinker. I have helped Twilight troubleshoot through some broken spells already, though the actual mechanics behind them remain hidden to me.

Or I could become a wanderer, an adventurer. This world is vast and seems mostly peaceful, though much of it has gone unmapped by ponies. Oddly enough, what of it I have seen shows me that this world is very, very like my own. With that knowledge, I can assume that riches can be found in the same places. Gold in California, diamonds in South Africa. It would be an interesting life.

Then there’s inventions, but I’m not entirely certain that I’d want to bring some of the things humans had to this world. This land is peaceful, its inhabitants kind. Why bring artifacts of war and danger into the world? Although there are plenty of nonwarlike inventions…

This world has only the weakest engines, and having pegasi means no one really developed flying technology beyond balloons. I could create a vastly more successful Hindenburg, or a plane. Given oil supplies, though, a steampunk style invention process would be easier.

Those thoughts were suddenly put on hold when a distracted and heavily laden Rarity bumped into me. Hardly breaking stride, she said, “Pardon, sir, but you simply must learn to watch where you’re going!” She didn’t even see me. Probably just guessed the gender and hoped to be right.

“Rarity, do you need some help?” I asked her.

“What? Oh, yes! These are awfully heavy, and you do look like a fellow that could carry some weight!” I couldn’t tell if that was an insult, so I just took some of the cloth from her back. “Now do be careful with that! It’s going to be a dress fit for a princess soon!”

As I’ve mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion. But if some of the things I’ve seen come out of her shop are considered ‘fit for princesses,’ I’m glad I avoided the industry. I’m sure it’s probably all good, but a lot of it just looks impractical to me.

So I just shrugged and tried to look impressed by her admonishment. She apparently bought it, because she started off back to her shop. I followed, trying—despite myself—to figure out what she was going to make with this batch of cloth. A dress or gown of some kind, of course; I’ve never seen her make clothes for men, aside from that special commission for me to keep me from wearing the same tattered clothing day after day.

“Rarity, if you ever get a bit of free time, would you mind seeing if you could somehow make shoes for me? What I have now won’t last forever and I wasn’t blessed—” or cursed, as the case may be, “—with hard feet.”

“Shoes? What’s that about shoes? I don’t have time to think about shoes at a time like this! I’m going to be absolutely swamped for days! When will I learn to not bite off more than I can chew?”

Probably when you finally fail to finish an order. She liked to complain and I liked to tease her about it, but to Rarity, dresses and fashion are an art, not a career. She is very, very good at it and is very, very dedicated. I’ve heard from Sweetie Belle that she occasionally stays up days at a time to work on an order.

It is my opinion that her cutie mark thing should be a thread and a needle, but apparently whoever decides those things figured diamonds were better. There was a time that I would have made a joke about something being pretty but ultimately useless, but I like to think I’m over that.

When we arrived at her shop, I found the place in complete disarray. To my apparently ‘untrained eye,’ as Rarity put it, everything looked like it was balanced on the edge of falling, awaiting only a sudden movement to break into total bedlam.

To Rarity, it implied a job well on its way, a job that was missing only its mistress, who had stepped out for a short break. I gently set the bundle of cloth where she indicated and wondered if I should try to back out slowly before she remembered I was there, or try to offer any more help.

My mind was made up for me when she turned suddenly, saw me, started, and said, “Oh, hello Navarone. You wouldn’t mind helping me with a few more tasks, would you? I promise, they won’t take too long…”

Oh lord… “I’m not Spike, so I won’t be willing to do anything you ask. But what do you need?”

Her answering smile was enough to make me want to grind my teeth. It said, I know what you think you’re doing and it’s cute. I managed to answer back with my own smarmy bring it on smile.

“Well, you see, my cat, Opalescence—”

“I’m not cleaning out a litter box.”

“Would it help if I said please?” My flat stare answered that for her. “Well, that’s not the only thing I needed help with. I was also wondering if you’d be willing to supervise the girls while I’m busy with this project. I’ve heard how they talk about you; you’re an enigma to them and they have many ideas about how to use you to get their cutie marks. I know you’re often busy helping Twilight or one of the others, but if you have the time maybe you could help me?”

“I already have a few bruises from some of their plans involving me from today. Are you sure I’d survive anything more they have in store for me?”

“Oh, I’m sure it wouldn’t be too much of a problem for ‘the most dangerous creature alive,’” she said with an amused titter.

“You see, it’s that alive part I’m worried about,” I sarcastically said. “I’d like to keep it that way, but their ‘human rescuer’ plans seem to desire to put that life at risk.”

“So THAT is why they were building a ramp… I was wondering what they were planning on doing with it.”

“How did they even build that damn thing, anyway? None of them can do magic that I’ve seen and none of them have thumbs! And I’ve heard Fluttershy talk about their less than stellar carpentry skills in the past, too. How the hell did they build a giant ramp in the middle of town?”

“Well, no pony says they had to build it well. I’m sure the ‘rescuer’ part of the plan could cover fall damage as well as runaway cart problems.”

“You are not making me any more eager to help you with this, you know,” I said, crossing my arms.

“You hardly seemed eager to begin with, Nav.”

“Yes, and about half the words you seem to say confirm I was right in my initial conception of the idea. From everything I’ve seen of the girls, they hardly need watching over anyway. They don’t listen to half of anything anyone tells them, so it would hardly help to have someone like me around, who would only tell them off half the time for stuff they’re doing wrong.”

“I think you’re stretching, Nav.

“You’re not making me want to say yes any more. Why me, anyway? I know you said they were hoping to experiment on me, but surely there are other, more responsible ponies you could leave them with. Like… Fluttershy, or… well, Fluttershy is really the only truly responsible one of your main group of friends. Maybe Applejack or Twilight? Well, Twilight is usually busy with studies and isn’t too much a fan of kids as destructive as they are in her library. And after that experiment with Rainbow Dash I somewhat question Applejack’s responsibility…”

“Hm? What happened with the experiment? Twilight told me you were doing something with her, but didn’t say what.”

“Oh, nothing…”

She raised an eyebrow, but let it go. “Fluttershy already said she couldn’t. Something about house sitting? And Applejack is always busy with her trees.”

“It’s late fall and she got harvest done early. What kind of tree is she growing now?”

She opened her mouth to respond, looked pensive for a second, and shut it again. Finally, she said, “So, do you want to go ask Applejack a question for me?”

Half an hour of trudging through broken leaves and fallen limbs later, I found myself back at Applejack’s house. Her granny was on the front porch, waddled up in a load of clothes. I asked if she knew where Applejack was.

“What?”

“I said, do you know where Applejack is?” I’ll spare you the details of how long it took to get this message across to the old lady. Some things are better left forgotten.

When she finally understood me, she pointed right at me. I turned around to find Applejack trying her hardest not to laugh.

“Yeah, thanks for the help there,” I flatly said. “Anyway, Rarity wanted to know if you could watch the girls for her for a little while. She’s a bit busy with a big order.”

“I reckon I could do that for a bit, though I hardly think they need it.”

“See, that’s what I said. Though honestly, they do seem to have a bit of a problem thinking about consequences of their actions. Damn near killed me, Pinkie Pie, and Angel today. Until one of the set gets a bit of common sense, it’s probably better that someone is around to supervise ‘em.”

“What kinda scheme did they think up that could have hurt a human, a pony, and a little bunny?”

“The kind that involves a giant ramp and a wagon. Apparently the plan was to put Angel in the wagon and to push him down, then catch up and become animal rescuers. Pinkie Pie jumped in the wagon at the last instant, thinking it was some kind of ride. I almost got run over, then somehow got roped into helping them be human rescuers instead.”

“Sounds like you have a hard time saying no to ponies,” she chuckled.

“Let’s see you say no to Applebloom’s puppy dog face,” I said with a small snort.

“I’m her big sister. That’s my job.” As she said that, she lifted her head up, closed her eyes, grinned deeply, and crossed her front legs.

“Psh. Cheater.”

When I said that, she dropped her cutesy little angelic stance and said, “Oh, that reminds me of something. Rainbow Dash came by earlier, asking about what happened when we gave her that alcohol stuff. I didn’t tell her nothing, but I’m thinking she might have a bone to pick with you about that comment you said about Big Macintosh.”

“God, I was hoping she was too hungover to remember that… I hope no one else told her anything.”

“We didn’t say a word. I couldn’t hold back a smile, though. She probably thinks we did something.”

“Let her keep on suspecting. Don’t mention it at all, even if she does tell you later.”

“I don’t see why we can’t talk about it. I mean, I don’t see no harm in it.”

“The way I figure, if she hasn’t told anyone, she probably doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m perfectly willing to respect that. If she wants to bring it up, she will, and we can talk about it freely then. Not like it really matters, anyway, unless you were planning on playing matchmaker with her.”

“I don’t think that would go over very well…”

“Agreed. I was actually trying to find Rainbow Dash this morning, but I got sidetracked by the girls and then by Rarity. But I guess if she made it here then she’s pretty well okay. I’ll just have to try to avoid her now, so she won’t be able to get me back for it…”

“I’m sure if she does try to get you back, it’ll just be a harmless little prank. That’s most of what she does, like when she painted mah apples! Harmless, but annoying.”

“True enough, I suppose, but I’d still rather avoid any retribution for what I, at least, consider a real experiment. It may have been hatched as an idea for a prank, but I was honestly interested in the results.”

“Well, that either makes you more or less honest than me. I was in it to get her back for that apple incident.”

“I’m sure it was well deserved and it hopefully concluded the matter. Anyway, I should probably get back to Rarity to tell her the news before she gets completely absorbed in whatever she’s doing. You know how she is.”

“I sure do. See you around, Nav.”

While I was on walking back to Rarity’s house in the weak light of the fading day, my nearly worthless combat instincts—honed from more time than I would ever admit playing more games that I’d ever admit—warned me to duck. Sadly, my body is not as fast as my mind, especially after the beating I had taken earlier that day at the hooves of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

So I found myself unceremoniously lifted and flying through the air, held aloft by two recognizably blue legs—I swear, I don’t think these ponies have joints or bones in their legs. There was laughing from right above me and looking up confirmed my suspicions.

“I hope you don’t mind heights, Navarone!” Rainbow Dash yelled to me over the wind.

I did, in fact, mind heights, but I’d be fucked before I let her know that. I just grit my teeth and hung on for dear life, trying not to imagine myself as the first and only human to have become a pancake in ponyland.

After a while flying, I shouted up at her, “If you drop me, I’ll drag myself out of whatever afterlife I land in and haunt you. I don’t imagine your house is ghost proof!”

“So I just have to make sure the drop doesn’t kill you!” I didn’t much like the sound of that.

Long story short, after several faked false drops, I found out that it was, in fact, possible for a human to be in her house. A very, very small part of her house. Feeling around the base of the room I was trapped in revealed that most of it was immaterial. I immediately took a dislike to the tiny area that was in one of her closets.

“So you have me trapped,” I said, sitting on the small platform. “Now what?”

“I could just let you stew for a few days, you know. The spell I asked Twilight to cast here should last at least that long.”

“Should is the key word there. You may be a bit rash, but you’re no murderer. You brought me here for a purpose, one that could very likely have been taken care of on the ground in a more… mundane… discussion.”

“Yeah, I probably could have kept you on the ground for that. But there’d be no guarantees you’d tell the truth down there!”

“Just as you have no guarantees I’ll tell any kind of truth up here, of course. I’m assuming that you want to know more about the tests we ran with you. There were a very small number of witnesses and they’ll all agree with what I say and what I told you after we conducted it.”

“There was a teensy, tiny thing you might have said that I want clarification on. I think you know what I’m talking about.”

“Might have said? You kidnapped me for something I ‘might have said?’ I have a problem with that.”

“I’m sure you’ll get over it. Now, I’ll ask again: What happened that night?”

“Again? You never asked in the first place. I just guessed—correctly—that you were going to ask about it, and told you my piece before you said anything. But since I can see that you are considering pushing me to see what happens, I will tell you. Applejack and I ran a few experiments. You gave us information. As it turns out, Applejack was more into it for the prank side of the equation than for the scientific side, but I’m still pleased with the results.”

“Funny. She said the opposite was true of you.” I shrugged at that. “Whatever. Tell me more about the… tests.”

“You tried to fly despite what we told you, which was very amusing. We also tested your mental processes, which was also very amusing.”

I could tell she wanted more, but I knew I could outwait her. Dash did not seem to be at all the patient sort, given how quickly she turned to just snatching me off the ground.

Sure enough, she impatiently asked, “And?”

“And what? That’s pretty much all that we did.”

“You’re not telling me what I want to know!”

“No, I’m not telling you what you want to hear. There is a very big difference.” I shouldn’t be trying to have this discussion with a woman, should I?

“Maybe I will leave you up here for a few days! I bet some time spent with your head in the clouds will put something more in that stupid logical mind of yours!” Stupid, logical, pick one.

“There is plenty enough emotion in my mind. I just choose not to show it when explaining experimental procedure. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to take the lid off, I would rather quickly inundate you with anger. However, that would be a bit of a bad idea, as you’ve kidnapped me and are the only person that knows I’m up here. But it would be satisfying for a short while.”

“You… You really aren’t a pony, that’s for sure… So that’s all that happened? Just tests? No flirting with Big MacIntosh?”

“As far as I know, you didn’t do any flirting with Big MacIntosh.” Doesn’t mean he didn’t try any flirting on you, though…

“As far as you know? That’s comforting…” She harrumphed. “But I really wasn’t planning on keeping you here that long. I’m sure Twilight would say something if her new favorite… ugh, study buddy disappeared.” With that, she wrapped her front legs around me again and took off.

It is an interesting feeling, flying like that. I wasn’t paying as much attention before, thinking she’d still want revenge of some kind. This time, though, I tried paying a lot more attention.

So it was a lot more surprising when we were passing over a lake and she dropped me. My reflexes woke up this time and pulled overtime as I managed to grab onto one of her legs as she was sailing away snickering, and I somehow pulled myself up and onto her back. No, I don’t know how. I wasn’t really paying attention at the time.

That was a mistake. I rode a few horses and even a cow or two when I was a lot younger. Before I…er, developed. Those encounters did nothing at all to prepare me for a wild bucking flying mare that’s doing her utmost to remove an indignity from her proud back.

I held on for dear life as she did her best to remove me. Everyone at any rodeo would be cheering for me, even though I didn’t handicap myself with one hand in the air. Both were wrapped around her neck, trying to make sure I didn’t fall off as she did everything she could to dislodge me.

Finally, as we were both getting completely exhausted, I tried reasoning with her. “You could just set me down!”

I was very surprised when she suddenly seemed to click on and say, “That’s… that’s not a bad idea…”

So it was that we found ourselves with both of my feet and all four of hers planted firmly on the ground.

We both said something at the same time that painted a completely different picture. “Never again!” and “That was awesome!” Guess who said what.

“I never knew you humans could do that!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“I… I didn’t know I could, either. Remind me to never ride any of you again… God, I’m going to be feeling this for weeks.”

“What do you mean, never do that again!? How else are you going to help me train for the sky rodeo?”

“If the sky rodeo is a real thing—and God I hope it’s not—why on earth would you want me to help you train for it? I’m the only human here!”

“It’s not a real thing. Yet. But just think! You’re the only human here, right? If we were to have some kind of competition like that among pegasi to see who can knock you off the fastest, it could be a huge spectacle sport! We could get the Wonderbolts here and they could all see ME in all my glory, showing everypony who’s the best in yet another sport!”

“I see a few glaring flaws in your plan. First, as soon as I got bucked off, I’d go falling to the ground to crack my fucking skull. Second, since I’m the only human, I’d get more and more tired as the event goes on, making it harder for me to keep up. Third, despite what you may think, I’m actually a bit terrified of heights. I don’t think I’m at Fluttershy’s level of fear, but there’s a reason I reacted so quickly when you tried to drop me.”

“As many fliers as we’ll have up there, you won’t have to worry about falling more than a few meters. You’ll be caught almost instantly by somepony. And we can easily have Twilight find a spell that completely revitalizes you! And surely you can get over a small bit of fear in order to help me succeed with my dream! Think about it as a way to make up for that splitting headache you gave me.”

How do I keep getting roped into this crap? I sighed. “If, and I do stress the if, you manage to get enough pegasi interested, I’m in. But if I die, I will haunt you. And it won’t be a pleasant haunting. There are a lot of very, very scary things in my world that I haven’t mentioned to anyone here and my imagination is vast, besides.”

“You won’t regret it!” With that, she flew off. I knew almost immediately that I would likely regret it. Hopefully I’d at least live long enough to regret it. Not like I wanted kids anyway. After a rodeo, I’ll probably never have them for sure.

I sighed and tried to get my bearings. In the waning light, it was a bit difficult. Soon enough, I found I wasn’t that far from the town and could probably get back to Rarity’s shop before night fell. Though honestly, why she’d even want to know if Applejack could watch the kids before they needed it was beyond me.

When I finally made it back to Twilight’s library, the last bit of sunlight had faded and it felt like the moon was watching me as I opened the door and made my way inside. Twilight and Spike were already in bed, so I had to waste no time with idle pleasantries. I happily sighed and went to find a place to rest my weary and battered body.

When I finally sat down, but thankfully before I could get comfortable, I heard a sound as of someone gently rapping at my door. Hoping it was Rainbow Dash to tell me she had a change of heart, I made my way to the door.

Instead, it was someone decidedly more raven-like: Luna. Look, I know I made the offer to the poor girl to come and talk any time, but really? She obviously didn’t have any other friends, if she came to talk to me two nights in a row. I reached over to grab my coat and joined her outside.

“You’ll have to excuse me if I walk a bit slowly and stiffly,” I told her. “I’m battered and bruised from two encounters with overenthusiastic torturers today.”

“Thou wert accosted?!” she boomed, forgetting both her inside voice and to speak properly.

“No! Nothing like that! It was a joke, Luna.” Jesus. I really need to teach her social cues or something. “I just had a run-in with some people and did a lot more stuff than I’m used to. My body is aching because of it.”

“I see. I am still somewhat unused to this time’s… humor. I assume there was a story behind your interesting day?”

“Yeah. Can’t promise it’s interesting, though… There are three fillies here that are looking to score their cutie marks. Their curiosity upon meeting me quickly turned into a desire to experiment upon me. To that end, I was put in a cart on a tall ramp, pushed down, and left to roll until one of them was able to catch up and ‘rescue’ me. I know this reference won’t mean much to you, but they remind me of the three stooges. Poor girls can’t do nothing right and they always manage to screw up more extravagantly when they’re dealing with someone else. In this case, I was that someone else, and I was dumb enough to sit in that cart for them three times, and only once did they manage to catch up to me before I hit a rock and tumbled out.”

“Foals will be foals, I suppose. It’s somewhat… cute that you’re helping them out, though. Twilight Sparkle doesn’t have you performing errands all day?”

“Thankfully, no. I’m usually left with free time, unless she asks me to help.”

“The incident with the fillies was one of your mentioned encounters. What about the other?”

“I had to ride bareback on a rampaging and flying mare as she did her best to dislodge me with all her might.”

“That… also warrants more explanation, I believe.”

“I don’t know how much you know about Twilight’s friends. In every group there is at least one prankster, and Rainbow Dash is one of the ones in this group. She took it upon herself to lift me up and try to drop me in a pond for a perceived slight upon her. I wasn’t expecting to be dropped, so I managed to barely catch myself on one of her legs and pull myself up. She tried to dislodge me. It didn’t work and I finally managed to talk sense into her long enough to get me on the ground. Then she lost that sense and decided that it would be awesome to have a ‘sky rodeo’ with me as the main victi—er, star.”

“A sky rodeo? Who would be participating and what would be the rules?”

“I don’t know and the only rule I’m concerned about is the one that involves saving the human before he falls to his death.”

“You actually agreed to it? I’m surprised! You seem like you might have more sense than that.”

“I agreed to it under the condition that she could get enough pegasi interested in it. I rather doubt that she’ll be able to, thank God. Most of them probably haven’t seen a human and wouldn’t want to be ridden by one if they had. Good riddance to that, too.”

“What, you didn’t enjoy your time in the sky?”

“I might not be opposed to the idea of riding a pegasus as they flew regularly, just from point A to point B. Trying to hold on as they kick and buck is a bit more than I’m interested in, especially if I’m high enough up that falling is deadly.”

“It sounds interesting to me.”

“If you can ever find a spell that will turn you into a human, be my guest.” Hey, maybe she’d even be cute as a human.

“I meant for the pegasus. It would be a fun test of skill.”

“You are not making me any happier that I agreed to it, even if it was under such an improbable condition.”

“This would be a way to get you exposed to more ponies, Navarone. They’re unused to you now, but if you were to appear in a contest such as this, their views would change. And I’m sure you’ll survive, if Rainbow Dash manages to get the support. Surely I or my sister can find a spell that would, if nothing else, make you fall a lot slower.”

“A spell that was made to work on ponies, who have a bit more mass and a very different shape than me. I’ll be risking a lot just letting Twilight revitalize me in between rounds. I’m going to ask her to experiment tomorrow with the various aches and pains I have now.”

“If you want, I could try now.”

“If you heal me now, I’ll have to get new aches and pains for Twilight to experiment on before the actual event happens, unless you’re planning on showing up to see it and can heal me there instead of Twilight.”

“And miss my favorite human get thrown about? I wouldn’t miss that for the moon.”

We were nearing a fountain. I sat on the edge and told her to try if she wanted.

She smiled and lowered her horn to touch me lightly on the arm. A very concentrated black orb pulsed out of the tip of her horn and into my arm. Suddenly, all my muscles froze up for an instant, with my eyes seeing white. When I was able to see and feel again, I found myself thrown against the statue in the fountain, smoking lightly. My entire skin felt like it was on fire. I opened my mouth to scream, but the burning sensation left as soon as it came and I instead let out a discontented warble. I noticed that, at the very least, all the pain was gone.

“What… what did you do?” I managed to stammer.

“I healed all your physical impurities,” she told me.

I checked my body over quickly. I was missing the small collection of scars I had picked up in my life. They were from nothing big, just accidents and a surgery, but I liked to occasionally lie about how I got them. I also noticed that I was missing the occasional rheumy cough that I had spent all my life with.

“I don’t know why it hit you so hard,” she continued. “You must have had a lot more wrong with you than just aches and pains.”

I continued checking over my body. All the missing skin around my fingers was back—just a nervous tick I have, picking at it. The slight arthritis I picked up due to my genetics appeared to be gone, as my habitual knee ache was gone. My nose was no longer half clogged. I couldn’t even feel the phlegm that was constantly at the back of my throat. As she said, I appeared to have been fixed of each and every physical problem.

When I was able to get over the shock and see that she was still looking at me, concerned, I managed to flash a weak grin. “Don’t worry about me. Just trying to sort out what all you actually did to me. Trust me when I say that it’s a lot more than you know.”

“Magic is a wonderful thing.”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I tried to get to my legs and managed a shaky stance. I picked my way off the frozen fountain and got my feet back on the dirt. Before she could say anything else, I hugged the princess around the neck. Holy shit, she’s really soft! Her flowing hair was like silk and her wings were like velvet.

I could tell she wasn’t expecting a hug. When I let her go, she still had a look of surprise on her face and her wings were flared.

“You removed pains I’ve had for so long that I didn’t notice them anymore. I figure that was justified,” I told her.

“How do you… stop noticing pain?” she asked, her wings slowly lowering.

“It’s like breathing or blinking. It’s just something that’s always there and becomes normal for you. You don’t notice that you’re always blinking or always breathing until you stop to think about it. The pain I was carrying was constant, so I eventually phased it out. I had to actually concentrate to see if I could feel it anymore.”

“Humans are very, very odd.”

“How do you know that it isn’t just me that’s very, very odd?”

“Because I’m pretty sure if what I said wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have said what you just did.”

“Odd is relative. I’m surprised there aren’t plenty of ponies that are hiding pain like this as well. Applejack’s grandmother is old and has a bad hip. You can’t tell me she’s not in some kind of pain because of that.”

“I’ve… I’ve never really thought about it like that. I just know that I’ve never felt much physical pain. I never thought that it might actually be common…”

“You also don’t spend much time around the regular ponies. If you want to rule your subjects, you need to know them. It would also help if they knew you more.”

“And you expect me to come to a festival designed around fear of me—or rather, Nightmare Moon.”

“When better?” At her look, I tried explaining, “Let the people see you as you are in contrast to what they fear. You’ve yet to cause me any manner of harm, and you don’t even look the same as Nightmare Moon anymore.” Though admittedly, I could barely see Luna in the weak light. And I had never seen Nightmare Moon. The only reason I knew is because Twilight mentioned it in her ramblings about the festival. “Hell, didn’t you just tell me that I should do the stupid sky rodeo thing for the same reason?”

“As I said, Navarone, I will think on it.” She readied her wings again and yet again I stopped her.

“You know, you didn’t tell me anything about your day. Or rather, your night. Or when you were practicing talking.”

She lowered her wings and said somewhat coolly, “You are correct. I did not.”

“Friendship is about give and take. You don’t have to tell me anything, of course. But I will listen if you want to.”

She looked at me for half a minute, and finally said, “I will answer a question or two.”

“Who have you been practicing talking with?”

As a side note that’s relevant to the point at hand, ponies are truly terrible liars. Every one of them I have seen tell a lie—the very small number of them—has so many tells that you know automatically when one is lying. And the funny thing? Not a single one of them notices. A pony can lie to another pony all day long and unless the one getting lied to can obviously tell the other pony is lying by looking at evidence, they’ll always believe each other.

I have abused the hell out of this.

Anyway, I just put that in there to explain how I immediately knew Luna was lying when she said, “My other friends.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. Mind, you also don’t have to tell me the truth. I won’t judge you either way.”

She sighed. “My servants…”

I nodded slowly. “Come on by the festival, Princess. We’ll find you some ponies to talk to.”

I think she smiled. I know she flew off.

The next day found me in another small adventure, this time with the resident dragon.

“Navarone,” Spike started, “how do you get mares to notice you?” Oh God.

“That is a loaded question and one that I’m not sure how to answer,” I replied. We were out in the middle of a field, looking for some kind of alchemical supplies or something for Twilight. I wasn’t really paying attention when she told us what to do; I knew Spike was and she wrote it all down anyway, so I figured we would be fine.

“What’s a loaded question?” he asked.

“A question that, in this case, is something that I can’t answer without getting in some kind of trouble. I’ll do my best to answer it, but follow any of the things I tell you at your own risk. First things first: Have you tried telling her how you feel?”

“I’ve made it as obvious as possible! I’ve done everything she’s asked, even the really nasty stuff, I always show my love and adoration on my face and it’s always evident in my voice. She still doesn’t seem to notice!”

“Spike, for the most part, women are very, very bad at picking up stuff like that. A lot of times, when a guy likes a girl, he’ll do all sorts of big things to impress her. She never notices, or just thinks it is kindness. On the flipside of that, when a girl likes a guy, she does all sorts of little things to impress him. He never notices. Both sides have very different methods of showing affection and love for the other and because of that, both sides have a hard time telling when the other likes them. Your best bet to make her notice is just telling her straight up.” Look, I’ve never had a girlfriend. I have, however, seen way too many romantic comedies, and I figure I can look at everything they do in movies like that and as long as I do the exact opposite, I should be fine.

“So you’re suggesting I just… tell her how I feel? Won’t that feel awkward?”

“Yes, it will. But—and don’t take this negatively—it’ll also quicken the process. If you tell her straight up you like her and she snuffs out your hopes, you know you don’t need to waste any more time on her. If you’ve done all you said you have for her, by now she either feels the same way or she probably never will.” I won’t lie, I know who he’s talking about. I’m also pretty sure she knows and I’m thinking she’s using him because of his affection. Rarity isn’t necessarily a bad person, but she is somewhat manipulative. With all her workload, though, I do kind of understand it. I figured this would be a good way to cut Spike off her leash, though.

“If she says she isn’t interested in me, what then? What if it’s somepony I need to work with often?”

I decided to tease him a bit about it. “Don’t tell me this girl is Twilight.”

“What? No! It’s Ra—I mean, this is all hypothetical!” I smiled.

“In that case, if she says she isn’t interested in you, just drop it. Feel free to help her if you want, but just note that you’ll probably never be able to make her feel the same way you do about her. It’s a painful thought, I know, but it’s also the truth. Besides, how long do dragons even live? And how long until you’re fully grown?” I could tell I hit a bit of a soft spot, and I immediately regretted the words. “Don’t worry about it, man. Even if this girl isn’t the one for you, you’ll find one someday. Besides, you haven’t even asked her yet!”

“I think I would feel too nervous to ever ask her out with me…”

I almost made the cardinal mistake of relationship helping. I almost offered to ask her for him. My mouth was open and the words were forming before I managed to strangle the words away. I disguised the sound with a cough.

Much good it did me. “Navarone, you think you could, I don’t know, maybe ask her for me?”

Well, shit. “Before I answer that, I want to tell you a few things. First, that’s basically the cardinal mistake in relationship planning, and it could go one of a few ways with about an equal chance of each happening. Possibility one is complete success. I ask her and she answers. Possibility two is partial success. I ask her and she refuses to answer, because I’m not asking for myself. Possibility three is partial failure. I screw up somehow and ask her in a way that makes it seem like I’m asking about her opinions toward me instead of toward you, and she answers that way instead. Possibility four is complete and total failure. Don’t ask me how it happens, because I don’t even want to think about it, but it ends with you banned from her presence forever and me as her eternal slave.”

“Those don’t seem very likely.”

“And this doesn’t seem very hypothetical.”

“…Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anypony about it. The last pony I told blabbed it to somepony.”

“I don’t tell secrets, Spike. If I did, I would have told Rarity a long time ago that you liked her. I honestly don’t know how she hasn’t figured it out, or if she knows and is just waiting for you to make a move.”

“Okay, the secret is—wait, what? Did Twilight tell you too?!”

“Dude, it’s incredibly obvious. I mean, I don’t do relationships at all and even I figured it out as soon as I saw you near her.”

“But… but… what?”

I saw an interesting chance to get out of work I wasn’t planning on doing anyway. “If you really want me to go ask her, you’ll have to finish this work yourself.”

“On second thought, I think I’ll just keep to my method, and hope for the best…” Well, it was worth a shot.

Now, I read a lot, and I never really thought about time passing in books. But when I decided to write up this journal, I ended up really thinking about it. An hour working in silence, digging through leaves, is a long, long time. Odd how stuff like that doesn’t end up in your perspective until you actually have to live it.

After that hour, I decided a different approach. “Well, maybe human women are different from pony mares.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe stuff that would work in my world wouldn’t work here. I don’t know, I’ve never thought to try it. I don’t even know how interracial stuff like that would work here, nor do I really want to know.” I mean, the cockatrice had to come from somewhere. “You’d honestly be better off asking a pony. A male pony, not a female one. A male pony that’s in a stable relationship.”

“I don’t actually know many stallions. Twilight doesn’t hang out with them and I don’t get out of the library much. The only one I know is Big Macintosh, and he’s not in a relationship.”

“I’ve noticed that too, actually. Have you ever met Twilight’s parents? If nothing else you could ask her dad.”

“He’d probably assume I was asking to try to get Twilight to like me, though!”

“What people think doesn’t usually matter that much. Let him think what he wants, as long as he gives you the results you need. If he doesn’t want to help you, assure him that it’s for one of her friends, or something.”

“I don’t know…”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I get banned from Rarity’s presence and Twilight’s dad becomes her eternal slave?”

The rest of our search passed with us thinking of increasingly random and off the wall possibilities of things that could happen if someone botched a relationship. It was pretty amusing. One ended up with the guy exiled to another continent, one ended up with him almost dead and then in love with her sister, one ended with the guy going through a complete and total hell only to realize he never really liked her in the first place, and one ended up with the girl saying yes on accident and then being completely passive aggressive for the rest of the relationship.

I didn’t see much more of Luna after that. She stopped by one more time before the festival, and that was just long enough to tell me she was definitely going to be there. And let me tell you, that festival ended up being quite an interesting night...

Chapter Four—Nightmare Night

Chapter Four—Nightmare Night

I was lying on a patch of moss outside of Fluttershy’s house when night fell. I had a bunny over my eyes, blocking out as much of the remaining light as I could. Twilight was pacing back and forth, jingling with every step; she was wearing some costume of a wizard or something and it was covered in bells. Fluttershy was watching Twilight with increasing nervousness, occasionally darting her eyes to the sky. Every time a bit of wind rustled the leaves or a cloud passed over, she flinched and whimpered.

Fluttershy, as I’m sure you might have been able to guess, was not a fan of this Halloween-esque festival. She doesn’t like scary. And if she didn’t have Twilight’s guarantee that Luna wouldn’t hurt her, she would be locked in her house.

Night fell. Luna didn’t show up.

“M-m-maybe she decided not to c-c-come!” Fluttershy stuttered. I imagined she was looking at her door hopefully; my eyes were still covered by a warm bunny that was twitching slightly in its sleep.

“Nav said she would come,” Twilight said. “But I don’t plan on waiting here all night. Fashionably late is one thing. Outright tardy is another!” God, don’t get Twilight started on being tardy…

“She’ll be here,” I calmly said. The bunny flinched.

Fluttershy squeaked when she heard my voice. That made the bunny look up, allowing me to open an eye. Nothing happening. The eye closed again and the bunny, seeing the same thing, fell back asleep. “Sorry,” Fluttershy whispered. “I thought you were asleep…”

Not a second after that, though, a loud clap of thunder sent the rabbit jumping away in terror. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of demons descending from the skies wherein dark, stormy clouds were suddenly forming.

Fluttershy straight up fainted. Twilight openly gaped. I just stared.

It didn’t take us long to discern that the demons were pulling a chariot. And once we realized that, we discovered that Princess Luna was in the chariot. That is totally badass.

As it turned out, the ‘demons’ were actually ponies with bat wings. Luna’s night guards, I later learned. They were dark grey with purple armor. The crest on their chest piece looked reptilian and their helmet had something jutting straight up like a mohawk. And then I saw their eyes: Light amber, reflecting light, with cat-like pupils. They were, as I said, completely badass looking.

Twilight was still gaping when the chariot landed and Luna stepped off. I got to my feet and gently tapped Fluttershy with my foot. She just responded with a light groan. It’s going to be one of those nights, isn’t it?

I finally got a good look at Luna, too. The moon was finally full and Luna seemed radiant in its glow. She was much taller than Twilight and her horn was much larger. Around her neck was some manner of black necklace, with a half-moon featured in the center. She seemed to be wearing some kind of light blue slippers, though that might have just been strangely carved hooves. On her head was a tiara of similar color and design as the necklace. Her eyes were a light turquoise. And her hair and tail seemed to flow in the night sky, moving of its own volition.

“Well Princess,” I said, “you surprised the hell out of me. Nice ride. It’s going to scare the shit out of ponies, though.”

Princess Luna looked down at Fluttershy and then back up to me. “I will work on finding… more accommodating transportation.” She shifted her gaze to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, or perhaps Starswirl the Bearded. I hear you have some manner of plan?”

“I knew somepony would understand this costume!” Twilight was somewhat upset that no one we ran into knew who she was dressed as. “Navarone, you already know all this. Try to help Fluttershy while I explain it to the princess.”

I knelt down next to the catatonic Fluttershy and tried shaking her. “Fluttershy, it’s time to wake up.” She muttered something. I poked her in her side. “If you don’t get up, I’m going to find out if ponies are ticklish.” Nothing.

As it turns out, ponies are ticklish. And Fluttershy is very susceptible to it. I had her giggling and squealing in no time. “Now, are you going to faint again?” I asked when I finally relented.

“Not if it means you’ll tickle me again!” She suddenly looked terrified, remembering why it was she fainted in the first place. “Are the demons gone?” she asked, trying to huddle against me.

“They weren’t demons. They were Princess Luna’s guards.”

She started stuttering something about Nightmare Moon.

“No, not Nightmare Moon’s servants. Princess Luna’s servants. You have Twilight’s word they won’t harm you.” She didn’t seem very placated. I sighed and added, “Would it help if I offered to protect you or something?” She nodded weakly. I rolled my eyes. “Fine. I won’t let Princess Luna hurt you.”

I stood and offered her a hand. She gave me her hoof and I helped her up. As soon as she saw Luna, she held onto my hand as tightly as she could, despite not having fingers. I pried her hoof off my hand and she immediately huddled against me. I sighed again, putting an arm around the cowardly mare.

“Princess Luna,” Twilight said, “this is Fluttershy.” Princess Luna held out a hoof. Fluttershy jerked back and Luna got an unpleasant look on her face. After a reassuring squeeze from me and a small look shared with Twilight, Fluttershy shook hooves with her. Progress.

“I have heard much about you, Fluttershy,” Luna quietly said. “Would you care to show me some of your nocturnal animals?”

That perked Fluttershy right up. Any chance to talk about her animals drove most fear away from her. She fled from my arm and took the princess in hand. Or hoof, I suppose. They walked around Fluttershy’s menagerie of critters, talking about some of them.

Twilight and I shared a look. “Long night?” I asked.

“Yeah…” We shared a sigh. “But if she got Fluttershy on her side, the rest should be fairly easy. The ponies back in Ponyville know what kind of pony Fluttershy is. It should all go well enough when they see her next to Princess Luna.”

No plan that ever should ‘go well’ has run into Pinkie Pie and survived. She is a magnet for trouble and has no real manner of impulse control, not unlike a furby.

The four of us were walking back into town when we ran into Pinkie Pie and a large group of kids. Fluttershy was still talking our ears off about some manner of animal or something; I try not to pay attention when she starts going on about them.

Mind, Pinkie Pie knew the princess was supposed to come by tonight. She knew that and she knew what we were trying to do with her.

So of course, as soon as she saw us, she screamed something about Nightmare Moon and bolted. The children ran with her. Dammit, Pinkie.

I was rubbing my temple, Fluttershy was looking flustered, Princess Luna was looking depressed, and Twilight was looking confused. Twilight finally said, “I don’t understand. She was…” She sighed. “...Pinkie Pie. Nav, can you go figure out what she’s doing?”

I was the odd one out of that group anyway. Or rather, one of the two odd ones. It made the most sense to send me. The thing is, I had no idea where they may have gone. I quickly pushed my way through the crowd of curious ponies that had formed around us, trying to get away before too many could show up. Twilight began saying something or another to the assembled masses. I jogged onward, trying to find the horrid pink menace and her crowd of minions.

I bumped into Spike and Applejack not long after I got out of the crowd. Spike was dressed as a… dragon. Well, why not? Applejack was dressed as a scarecrow, or something. Me, I wasn’t dressed as anything yet. My outfit was at the treebrary, waiting for me to put it on. After all, why get it dirty by lying on the ground with it on? Spike pointed me off in the right direction. I made a pointed reminder to the two of them that Luna isn’t supposed to be scary.

It didn’t take me too much longer to find Pinkie and the group of kids with her. I had almost caught up to them when a massive bolt of fucking lightning shot down and hit the ground between us. They ran off squealing again and I stood my ground, trying to blink the after-image from my eyes. Lightning isn’t something you just see and dismiss, after all.

I was partially blinded for a few minutes and the full after-image didn’t depart my eyes for a few days. After the thunderclap stopped echoing in my ears, I heard a very Rainbow Dash-esque laugh and was barely able to make a dark figure zooming off into the night with a rainbow tail following it.

Instead of doing the smart thing and chasing her down to admonish her for almost frying my ass with lightning, I continued my search. I figured if I followed some leads on who was giving out the most candy, I could find Pinkie’s group pretty easily. So I started paying attention to conversations. It took me a few minutes to sort through the unimportant conversations and pick up the piercing shrills of children. Cheerilee. I had heard that name before. It was the name of a teacher or something. But I had no idea where she lived, so it was back to wandering for me.

Thankfully, Pinkie Pie is always incredibly noticeable wherever she goes. It didn’t take me long to find her again. Nothing impeded my access to her, so I pushed through the gaggle of kids surrounding her. I found myself face to face with a chicken. After taking a second to actually look over it, I realized it was Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume. Yup, that’s Pinkie Pie for you.

She broke into a smile when she saw me, though. “Navarone! I thought you would be with Twilight and the princess. What are you doing away from them? Or… Or are they hiding nearby, waiting to eat one of us?” The kids looked alarmed at that and began fruitlessly searching the shadows.

“I thought we had been over this,” I said, crossing my arms. “Luna is here to make friends. Your fear-mongering and running away with a gaggle of children is not helping.”

“But sometimes being scared is fun!”

“Not for the person that you’re scared of. Seeing all of you run away screaming cut Luna pretty deeply. She regrets what she became. How is she to go about making friends if every time she tries, ponies flee?”

She harrumphed, but thought about it for a few seconds. “Fiiiine!” I nodded and turned to go. “Wait, where are you going?”

I turned back to her and said, “To go get dressed, of course. I left my costume in the library until the party truly started. Now that the princess of the night is here, I think it’s time for things to really get started.”

“Oooh, what are you dressing up as?” she asked, wonderment in her eyes.

“Oh, you’ll see,” I said, my smile turning dark. “You’ll see…” To add an even darker undertone to what I said, Rainbow Dash kicked off a bolt of lightning somewhere near us. Thunder roared and light flashed around us, bouncing brightly off my smile. Pinkie and all the kids flinched at the lightning, looking toward where it touched down.

By the time they turned back to me, I was gone. I had to run pretty damn fast to get away like that, too. By the time I got to the library, I was panting and making resolutions that I wouldn’t keep to exercise more.

It was worth the sprint when I got up to the room that Twilight grew out of her tree for me. Lying on the bed was the costume I spent so much time making. Well, Rarity made the cloak and the robes. But I spent literally minutes on the headpiece. It was a bleached skull of some kind of crazy-ass critter I found in the Everfree just lying on the path to Zecora’s house. The thing had horns like a ram but the teeth of a sabre toothed cat. I’m glad I didn’t run into it when it was alive.

...Or worse, whatever killed it.

Hunting was a hobby in my spare time back on Earth, so I picked up a few friends that knew taxidermy. I didn’t learn that much from them, but one of the things I learned was how to bleach bones. I put those skills to use on the skull, thinking it would be a cool ornament. Then I decided it would make a badass costume piece instead.

So on went the black robes, the cloak, and the gloves. After a moment of pointlessly making sure my hair was down flat, I slowly put the skull over my head, making sure not to hit myself with the fangs or any of the jagged pieces where parts of it broke. As the finishing touch, I picked up the tall scythe that Applejack let me borrow from her farm. Why the ponies had a tool that took two hands to use, I don’t know.

As I walked down the stairs in what I was hoping would be a good costume with which to scare ponies, I couldn’t help but lament the fact that I still didn’t have new shoes for the cold weather. Imposing on Rarity risked owing her a favor and owing her never ended well for me. One of these days.

Right when I got to the door, there came a knocking that I recognized as trick-or-treaters. Seeing that as my chance to begin the reign of terror early, I pulled up my hood and readied the scythe as I slowly pulled the door open.

And so I was revealed in all my horrifying glory to the fillies and colts of Ponyville. “Who dares disturb Death itself?” I growled under the mask, leaning in to the foals that were starting to back up. When I gripped the scythe with both hands, the group of them screamed and bolted. My dark, evil laugh followed them in the night. “God, I love Halloween,” I said to no one, putting the scythe back in a one-handed grip and stepping out of the library, closing the door behind me.

When I was turning back to confront the night, I saw the next group of trick-or-treating foals coming by to the library. I couldn’t help but lock eyes with the one in front, a small white colt with an eye patch. None of the rest of them had really noticed me at that point, so I pulled my hood back, revealing my skeletal appearance.

The little colt up front immediately froze, his eyes locking onto the hollow eye sockets of my mask. “Thou dare approacheth Death?” I darkly intoned, stepping closer and grabbing the scythe with both hands yet again.

That got the attention of everyone in the group and they all turned to me. When they realized just what it was they were standing before, their mouths dropped. I advanced another step and each one of them bolted, leaving just their chaperone behind. “That scythe looks familiar…” Granny Smith said, eyeing it.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” I asked, dropping the dark voice. Or maybe in a grave. Either or.

“Shoulda been there five hours ago!” she angrily answered. Or five years. “Durn foals and their newfangled games! Why, back in my day—Hey, where you going?” Any old person that starts talking about things back in their day should have stopped talking long since. As soon as she whipped that phrase out, I just turned around and started walking off.

Anyway, I walked on toward the main party area. Now, I knew I couldn’t get away with scaring foals all night. Oh sure, it would be really fun, but I’d eventually get in trouble. Besides, my reputation in town was still rather fluid and scaring all the foals could ruin what I worked so impassively to build.

So I couldn’t just scare foals all night… But I could at the very least play games or whatever. Maybe just be seen participating in a way that wasn’t hurting anyone. Especially since I had a fucking scythe on hand, though I don’t know if scythes here have the same dark history to them that those on Earth do.

With the purpose of cooperation in mind, I lifted the cowl on the cloak so my mask couldn’t be seen. I did it just in time, too; right when I got it to cover me, I entered the large area that was set aside for games and the like. A few of the ponies looked up to see me entering the area, but not too many. Most of those that did look up didn’t bother keeping me in sight for long.

But a few of them just stared, presumably either trying to figure out what I was dressing up as or unsure if I was going to be safe. I didn’t pay them much mind, instead walking to where Luna was throwing some manner of stuffed spiders at a web. For someone that had never played any kind of fair games, she seemed to be doing well.

Twilight was standing a little ways back from her, watching the princess with a smile. “So?” I asked, quietly sidling in next to her.

She jumped when I spoke, since I moved so softly that she didn’t even hear me. “Oh, it’s just you… Things are going well! I completely forgot that you were going to dress up. What are you, anyway?”

“Death.”

“...What? How can you be a concept?”

“It’s a human thing. I’ll explain later.” It’s a good thing I chose to hold off the explanation, since Luna turned around a few seconds later, beaming. Her smile took a hit when she saw the cloaked and cowled figure in front of her with a weapon, but it recovered quickly enough when I spoke. “I see things are going well, Princess. Have fun?”

“Indeed! It is… a new experience. One that has been sorely lacking over the long years!”

“I can imagine,” I replied. “You know, it’s a lot better when you’re competing against someone, trying to outdo them.”

“Oh?” she said, a small hint of a daring tone starting to pop up. “Wouldst thou care to compete against me, Navarone?”

“Hey now, don’t look at me. I meant Twilight, here.” I used the butt of my scythe to press against Twilight’s flank, trying to get her to move.

The purple mare just looked at me in confusion. “I don’t know anything about those games! I… I never played them either…”

“Well there you go,” I said, smiling under the mask. “It’s a lot more fair to have two inexperienced people competing.”

“What’s the matter?” Twilight said, turning to me. “You afraid to lose, Nav?”

“More that I’m apathetic,” I answered with a shrug.

That was the wrong answer. A blue aura surrounded one of the spiders and it floated to me. “Your Princess commands you to play,” Luna said, taking a haughty stance.

“Alright,” I said, taking the stuffed spider in hand. I walked on up to the throwing area, let the scythe lean on my shoulder, tossed the spider up twice to judge its weight, and then tossed it about a few inches to the right of the bull’s eye, closer than any of Luna’s little spiders. “Eh, been a little while.” Since there were another two spiders in front of me, I threw the two of them as well. The first one was overcorrected and landed a few inches left. The last one fell a bit too much ending up dead center but low.

When I turned back, Luna’s eyes were slightly narrowed and Twilight seemed at least halfway impressed. “I didn’t know you could throw like that,” Twilight said.

“Not too dissimilar to knife throwing,” I replied. “I had an uncle that was really into that and showed me all about it.”

“Luck,” Luna declared before looking down to Twilight. “What other games may we participate in?”

“Oh, there are all kinds of things set up, Princess! But first I want you to meet my friend Applejack, who has an apple bobbing game set up. So that’s one you could do.”

“Lead the way, then.” Twilight started walking off and Luna began following.

I shrugged and went to join them, but the mare running the spider game stopped me. “Ah, sir?” she quietly said. I turned back to her and she seemed to blanch for a moment before continuing, “Uh… Do you want your prize?”

“I won something?”

“Of course! Well, it’s not much, but those were some of the better tosses I’ve seen all night. Good enough to win one of my prizes, that’s for sure.” She reached down into a bag next to her front hooves and somehow pulled out a beanie baby-sized blue bear. “Here you are!”

“Uh. Thanks.” I’m not used to actually getting anything when I play things like that. “Have a good night. I gotta catch up.”

“You too, sir,” she called as I started quickly walking away, wondering what the fuck I was going to do with a beanie baby.

It didn’t take me but a few seconds to catch up with Luna and Twilight, though I wasn’t entirely certain that Luna wanted me around at that point. After all, she had just ‘lost’ for the first time, it seemed, even if it was just a silly carnival game. But I followed anyway, since the only other thing I had to do was scare kids.

When we got to Applejack, she only had two foals that were trying to get apples from her. One of them was the colt from the group I scared earlier. He actually fell into the bucket of water when we approached, but that was more because he was clumsy than because he saw me. I jumped forward, grabbing him around one of his kicking back legs, and pulled him out, holding him up to look the colt eye to eye socket.

“Death has come for thee, foal,” I whispered, leaning in closer. He started screaming and flailing about until I carefully dropped him on the ground. Then he galloped away as quickly as his small legs would carry him. The other foal he was with fled as soon as she saw me.

“That was mean, Nav!” Twilight admonished.

“Yeah, but it was funny,” I replied, stepping away from the bucket. “And besides, if they’re too busy being scared of Death, they won’t be fearing the night,” I added with a nod to Luna.

“Your… assistance is noted,” Luna dryly said, stepping closer.

“But I’d prefer you not scarin’ off my customers!” Applejack somewhat angrily added. “It’s hard enough to get anypony over here in the first place!” Host a better game, then.

“Eh, I’ll try. But with a face like mine, it’s hard not scaring people.” As I said that, I pulled the hood back, revealing my pale visage for all to see. Applejack and Twilight gasped, since neither of them knew I grabbed the skull or cleaned it up.

Luna, however, didn’t seem all that shocked. “Hm. I didn’t know any of those were still alive. I suppose I have to send the royal hunters into the Everfree to recreate my menagerie. But that is a task for later.” She turned to the bucket of apples and peered into it. “How does one play this… game?”

“It’s real simple, Princess!” Applejack merrily said, happy to have a princess as a customer. “You just stick your head on in and try to grab an apple using only your teeth.”

“Simple!” Twilight and I shared a smile behind her back as Luna’s horn lit up and her crown lifted from her head. “Navarone, I dub thee temporary tiara holder.” Before I could answer, she thrust the thing into my hands and then shoved her head into the bucket.

“Hm. Wonder how long she can hold her breath,” I idly said, putting the little bear inside the tiara so when she took it back, she’d have a guest.

“What d’you think her hair will look like wet?” Applejack asked, tilting her head at Luna’s bent over form.

“I bet it’ll be funny,” I said with a smile.

“Either way, you shouldn’t laugh!” Twilight hastily said. “You really shouldn’t act so poorly in front of a princess, Navarone!”

“Man, royal blood don’t mean shit to me. If she gets offended by that, oh well.”

Twilight snorted and was probably about to comment when Luna’s head ripped out of the bucket. “Insolent apples! Come into our mouth!”

Once again, I hopped forward, laying a hand on her side. She flinched at the contact and then glared at me. “There’s a technique to it,” I said. “Get one against the wall and then do it. Or go for the stem. Most of these games are fairly easy once you understand how they work.”

“If it’s so easy, you do it!” she commanded, pulling the tiara back from my hands.

I rolled my eyes and pulled the skull off my head, setting it and the scythe down next to me. Them out of the way, I stuck my head near the water, nuzzled one of the apples to the side, and then very easily bit into it, using the wall to hold it in place. I could practically hear Luna’s teeth grinding behind me as I pulled my head and the apple, both dripping, out of the bucket. “What do I win?” I asked Applejack when I pulled the apple out of my mouth.

“One apple,” she answered with a grin. Oh, you cheap bitch.

“Ugh. I haven’t had any fruit other than fucking apples in months. Twilight, Luna, either of you hungry?” I asked, turning back to face them.

Luna seemed to be over her initial anger and was studying the stuffed bear I left in her crown. “From where did this come?” she asked, tilting her head.

“I think that mare with the spiders was using them as prizes,” Twilight said.

One of Luna’s eyes twitched and the bear shot toward me, slamming into my chest. “We do not accept pity, Navarone.”

All three of us just stared at her in almost complete shock. “Pity?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”

“You giving me the prize because I could not win it myself. Do not pity your princess!”

“I… think it was a gift,” Twilight slowly said.

“Yeah…” Jesus, this bitch is crazy.

“A… gift?” Luna asked, the fire in her eyes dying down to more of a simmer. “What is the purpose of a gift?”

I let Twilight field that question as I grabbed my mask and scythe again. “A gift is when one pony gives another an object they believe the other might desire. It’s a sign of friendship, not pity.” As she was saying all of that, I was putting the mask and cowl back on. No reason to walk around possibly scaring anyone, after all. But my hands were starting to get very full, with the scythe, bear, and apple to hold.

“And this… bear… was a gift for me?” Luna asked when Twilight finished, looking back to me.

“Sure.” After all, I don’t want to carry it around and I have no need for stuffed animals.

“Then… thank you,” she said, a small tinge of red appearing on her cheeks. I imagine she was slightly surprised, for some reason.

Thankfully, Applejack finally did something useful by breaking up what might have been an awkward moment. “So you wanna try your luck again, Princess?” she asked.

“I shall. Navarone shan’t outdo me in everything this night.” She stepped back up to the water, once again shoving her crown into my hands. I set the bear back into the tiara and backed away from the bucket, letting her do her thing.

“For a second there, I thought she was about to kill me,” I said to Twilight.

“I wasn’t worried so much about that,” she answered with a hint of relief. “But she definitely seemed rather upset for a moment. Is she really so unused to receiving gifts?”

“Obviously. Speaking of which, you want this apple? I’m not hungry and I can’t eat it through this mask anyway.”

“Sure. I haven’t eaten dinner yet.” She took the apple with her magic and went to town on it, devouring the thing before Luna finally pulled an apple from the watery depths.

“Huzzah!” she shouted, dropping the apple and catching it with magic. “‘Twas most fun, farmer Applejack! What is our prize?”

“One apple,” Applejack responded with a smile.

“...Oh. Well, I was hungry anyway. Come Twilight, Navarone! There is much more fun to be had!” Her horn lit up slightly brighter to pull the crown from me, setting it back on her rather wet head.

“Well,” Twilight said, “I think there was a pumpkin catapult somewhere over there.” She waved a hoof to our left, where several more booths were set up. “That should be pretty interesting.”

“Then lead the way!” As Twilight started walking, Luna began eating her hard-won apple.

I started to follow, but Applejack grabbed my robe somehow. “Be careful with her,” she whispered, eyeing Luna. “I know she don’t want to hurt nopony, but she had fire in her eyes when she threw that bear at ya.”

“Trust me, I have no intention of pissing her off,” I just as quietly answered. “I’ll definitely take care.” Applejack let me go and once again, I caught up with Luna and Twilight, both of whom seemed to be having fun.

“Mayhaps I should have come to Ponyville sooner,” Luna mused aloud as we walked. “The citizens here seem rather accepting. And this ‘fun’ is a most enjoyable experience!” No shit, Sherlock.

“You’re welcome back at any time,” Twilight said. “But things probably won’t be as fun without a festival going on.”

“Then perhaps a year-long festival is in order,” Luna replied.

“That would get boring quickly,” I said. “The point of festivals is to take a break from normal life. If they became normal life, it would just become routine rather than something special.”

“There is… wisdom in your words,” she reluctantly admitted. “‘Tis a shame, but an understandable one.”

“And we’re here!” Twilight said, waving a hoof at the small catapults that were set up.

“What is the purpose of this game?” Luna answered, a smile already forming as she walked up to one of the weapons.

The mare working the game said, “You launch a pumpkin at the target, Princess. The goal is to hit the center.”

“Once again, simple!” the moon princess declared, grabbing one of the pumpkins next to the catapult she appropriated. Without any prompting, she pulled the arm down and shot the pumpkin perfectly toward the target, splattering the pumpkin in a juicy mess. “Let me see thee best that, Navarone!” she said, shooting a smile my way.

“You’re disturbingly good at shooting catapults,” I replied, stepping up to the firing line.

“I have much experience with them,” she said, lifting a hoof to blow on it nonchalantly. “But I believe those are stories my sister does not like telling others about.”

“Eh, whatever. You aren’t the only one with experience. High school physics.” And a few clubs. It took me a little longer to aim my catapult, but my shot was just as true and sure. “It also doesn’t hurt that the target and ammo are both so big.”

“High school?” she asked, not really caring that I did as well as she. “Is that a school for those that live among mountains?”

“Not quite." I once again took the scythe in hand, moving away from the line of catapults. “Hey, are there any prizes for this one?”

The mare shook her head. “You get to blow up a pumpkin! What more could you want?”

“...You raise a very good point. So what next, Twilight?”

“Hm… Princess, have you ever done a strength test?”

“Nay, we have not. We tended to test myself differently. Against who would I test myself?”

“You’ll see!” Twilight said. “Come on, let’s go find it.”

As we started walking off again, Luna asked, “So what is a high school, Navarone?”

“Well, public education in my land is broken into three basic tiers. Elementary, which is basic. Middle school, which is more advanced. And high school, which is the highest tier of the still relatively basic—Hold on.”

I saw a familiar colt trying to sneak past my line of sight. As soon as I realized he was trying to avoid me, I knew what I had to do. So I began slowly walking toward him, lifting my scythe.

Luckily for me, some mare giving out candy caught his attention, getting him to turn his back on me. Which, as it turned out, was a big mistake for the poor kid. I snatched him up by his neck, whispering, “Death stalks thee this night, colt.” He squealed as soon as I touched him but went deathly silent when I started whispering. “Run as fast as thy legs will take thee and you might yet escape.”

By the time I dropped him, I honestly didn’t think his legs would even hold him. Seemed like the kid was a fighter, though, as he immediately turned to check it if was me. Upon determining that it was, the eye of his not covered by a pirate patch went extremely wide and he just made a squeaking noise before booking it.

With the colt now even more traumatized, I went back to where Luna and Twilight were waiting, the latter with a look of extreme disapproval. “Navarone, what did I just tell you five minutes ago?!” she demanded.

“I dunno, something about watermelons?”

“Leave the poor foals alone! You aren’t supposed to be scaring them!”

“But it’s so much fun!”

Luna snorted. “I fail to see what is so scary about his costume.”

“One who is immortal holds little fear of death,” I said by way of answer. “Of course you wouldn’t be scared. But to those of us that have to worry about rotting in a hole, it’s a slightly more pressing concern.”

“...How can you be dressed as death?” she asked.

“It’s a human thing. Twilight, lead the way.”

“Ugh. You better not scare any more foals, Nav!”

“I’ll think about it.”

As we continued walking, Luna asked me more about the personification of death. I explained it as best I could, which honestly wasn’t all that well. Not paying much attention to the history of folklore makes stuff like that difficult to talk about, after all.

There wasn’t any kind of line at the tall strength machine thing. “Step right up!” the stallion in charge said. “Care to test your strength, ladies?”

“We would like to give it a try,” Luna said, stepping forward. “How do I play this game?”

“Easy as pie, Princess,” the fellow answered. “Just step right up and use your hind legs to buck this plate here,” he said, tapping the target plate. “The little tab here will rise according to how strong you are.”

“All these fun games are so simple!” she joyously said, moving to the line and casually bucking the plate with a large smile on her face. That smile disappeared at the sound of something shattering behind her. “Um…”

The plate she kicked was cracked in half, broken down the center. And the tab that was supposed to rise up to hit the bell shot up so quickly that it tore the bell off and continued past it into the air. I could barely see it still rising and watched as it slowly started to fall. It smashed right into Rainbow Dash, who was about to slam her hooves down onto a cloud to create lightning. She tumbled down off the low hanging cloud, hitting the dirt with a solid thud. Twilight galloped off to make sure she was okay.

“Damn,” I said, both my eyebrows lifting. You’d think all that time on the moon would atrophy her muscles. “Well, you definitely got me beat in that department, Princess,” I said.

“You… you broke my machine!” the guy said, just completely shocked.

“Uh… My apologies, citizen.”

“Just uh… send a bill to Canterlot Castle,” I said, wrapping my arm around Luna’s neck and leading her away before the guy could get over his surprise and get angry.

“Send a bill?” she asked, somehow too confused to pull away.

“That machine isn’t free and repairing it will take money. You accidentally broke it, so you should pay to fix it. This way he doesn’t complain about the princess that ruined his business.”

“Hm. I see. Times have definitely changed… And why is thy arm around our neck?”

“Sorry.” I let her go and put some space between us. “Just wanted to get you away from that guy before something happened. You never know how some people will react.”

“That is acceptable. So where did Twilight go?”

“When the tab broke free, it hit Rainbow Dash. Twilight went to go check on her.” I looked over that way to see that neither of them were there. “Looks like she took Dash off to get checked on by the doctors, I suppose. We might be alone for a few minutes.”

“How can we be alone if there are two of us?”

“Just a phrase. Let’s walk around, see what we can find.”

“Very well. Let us… roam.” We started walking, looking around at all the games and shit being played. “So you said that I have you beat ‘in that department.’ What does that mean?”

“You’re a hell of a lot stronger than I am. If you lose every other game here, at least you have that as a consolation.”

“It hardly feels consoling. Celestia and I have been stronger than almost all ponies for thousands of years. Hm. What game is that?”

I followed her gaze and saw a few ponies throwing darts at balloons. “Oh, darts. The point is to use the darts to pop balloons. Sometimes the balloons are worth different points.”

“We shall compete,” she declared, stepping up to the game booth. “Is there an unused board?” she asked the fellow behind the counter.

“Indeed there is, Princess!” he answered, pointing to the board that obviously wasn’t being used behind him. “You want to play with your friend, there?”

“Yes. Navarone, step forth.”

“Eh, alright…” I did as she commanded, joining her at the front of the booth. “This reminds me that I need to get a dart board in the library. It gets boring there.”

“Then read,” Luna said as the guy put five darts before each of us.

“No magic,” he said before Luna could pick one of the darts up that way.

“Reading gets old when that’s all you have to fucking do. What are the point values?” I asked.

“Red is worth three, yellow is worth two, green is worth one,” he said. Of course, there were a lot more green than the other two. He basically had several large targets on the board, with green balloons set on the outside and red and yellow on the inside.

I casually tossed one of my darts at the center of one of the targets, impaling a red balloon. She sniffed and tried to match me. Instead, she hit a yellow. I proceeded to hit two more reds, a yellow, and a green. She hit a single red, two greens, and another yellow. She snorted in anger as the guy pulled the darts off the board with magic.

“Care to try again?” he asked, setting the darts back in front of us.

“Nay,” she darkly answered, glaring at me.

“You can’t expect to get better without trying,” I said. “And I have a lot more experience with carnival games than you do.”

“We can practice on my own time!” she answered, turning and starting to walk off.

“Special somepony not like losing?” the guy behind the counter quietly asked.

“We’re not dating,” I replied. “And no, she doesn’t like it.”

“Then you get the extra large stuffed animal. I think you know what to do with it.” He pulled down a very large fluffy bunny and shoved it at me.

“Really?” I sighed, taking it.

“She seemed pretty upset.”

“Ugh. Thanks, I guess.” I took the giant thing and walked off to find Luna, who thankfully didn’t wander off too far. Since she was facing away from me, I just laid it across her back, making her jump. “Relax.”

“What did you put upon me?” she asked, turning her neck to peer at it.

“Another gift. Consider it an apology for showing you up.”

“Your apology is unneeded.” Her horn lit up and an aura appeared around the bunny, but I put a hand on it before she could remove it.

“Keep it anyway. I want to see if we can cover you entirely in these things before the night is out.”

“Hmph. That hardly seems enjoyable.”

“But it would be really adorable.” She blinked in surprise. “You want to keep looking for games?”

“Princesses are not and never will be adorable,” she replied. However, she didn’t make any efforts to remove the bunny from her back. “And yes, we shall continue looking for games.”

“Excellent.” I took a quick moment to peer around the area before spotting something that made me smile. “Just wait here a sec. I got to take care of something.” She rolled her eyes as I quickly walked toward the same colt I’d been tormenting since I got dressed up, who was playing a skee ball game. The butt of my scythe came down right in front of his head, slamming into the ground with a loud crack. “Dost thou have no sense of self-preservation?” I hissed, leaning down.

His eyes slowly followed the scythe up until he was peering into my heavy mask once again. The ball he was holding fell from nerveless… whatever he was using to hold it. With it on the ground, he began galloping away again, screaming about the monster that was stalking him.

I stood back up straight and walked over to where I had left Luna. “Sorry about that. Let’s go.”

“You are going to traumatize that colt, Navarone.”

“Yeah, probably. I’ll be extra nice for a day later to make up for lost karma.”

“...Karma?” she asked as we began to walk, looking for more games.

“Human concept. Good deeds net you good karma. Bad deeds net you negative karma. The theory is that the more bad karma you have, the worse things that happen to you. And of course, the more good you have, the more good things happen to you. Of course, it’s complete bullshit, but it sounds nice.”

“I see. What is that game there?”

“Uh… Ring toss. Though I’ve never seen it done with unicorns.” In the booth, two unicorns dodged back and forth as the players tried to get rings around their horns. “You interested in trying?”

“It could be interesting. We shall try it, yes.” We stepped up to the booth and waited for the two players to give up before getting closer.

“You two want to try?” the female unicorn asked, pulling the ring around her horn off.

“We do,” Luna said with a nod.

“Alright. Standard rules apply, which means no magic!” she said. The guy with her used his magic to put fifteen rings in front of each of us, blue for her and red for me. “We’ll use the colors to tell you apart, so you can aim for either of us. Ready?” We both nodded. “Go!” Before she could move, I threw one of the rings at the guy, just barely making it around his horn.

That was the only ring either of us got. Those two were ridiculously good at dodging. “Cheap shot,” the stallion said when Luna and I both ran out of rings.

“Cheap but fair,” I said with a smile.

“Yep,” the mare answered, pulling a beanie baby monkey down from where she had them stored. “But you still only got one, so you don’t get a big prize. Unless you’d like to try again?”

“This game is not amusing,” Luna answered. “It is far too difficult.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “You two are too good.”

“We get a lot of practice,” she said with a shrug. I just grabbed the stuffed monkey and the two of us left that booth behind.

Before Luna could say anything, it joined the bear in her crown. “We’re getting you there.”

“This is highly unnecessary.”

“But funny,” I replied. “And in the end, that’s all that really matters.”

“You seem to really care for things that are ‘funny.’ You have given me the definition of fun, but not funny. What does it mean?”

Man, how do you explain humor? “Alright, you know how having fun yourself is enjoyable?”

“Yes, after this night.”

“Alright. Basically, something is funny when someone else does something that you enjoy watching or hearing. Like, if I told a good joke that made you laugh, the joke would be funny. Or if I tripped on my robes and fell and you thought it was amusing, that would be funny.”

“Hm. That is… a more difficult concept.”

“Eh, you’ll get it in time. Oh hey, do you like pie?” I pointed off to our left, where it looked like a pie eating contest was about to begin.

“Of course,” she answered with a nod. “What is the point of that game?”

“The point is to eat pie. Whoever eats the most wins.”

“...That is a game we can both enjoy, win or lose. We shall play!”

“Awesome. I fucking love pie.” We walked up to the sign-up area. “We too late to join?” I asked Mr. Cake, who was on the other side of the table.

“Not at all!” he happily answered. “We decided on an easier way to play this year. Anypony can play at any time. They have ten minutes to eat as much pie as they can. We’ll record what they eat and the top winners will get prizes when we can track ‘em down. Do you want me to add you both to the list?”

“Yeah. You know I love eating your wife’s creamy pie, dude.” He was about to start writing until I said that, then his head jerked up, his eyes blinking a few times. “Wait, that came out wrong.” He just shook his head and added our names to the list.

“So we can start eating?” Luna asked, looking at one of the tables of pies.

“Yep! We just gotta get you both seated and set up a timer. Shouldn’t take but a second. Cup Cake, you got the stop watch?”

“Of course, dear,” she answered, walking over from where she had been messing with the pies. “Who’s compe—Oh, Princess! I wasn’t expecting you to stop by…”

“I quite enjoy pie,” Luna replied. “And I believe this is something at which I may be able to beat Navarone.”

“Oh, definitely!” Mrs. Cake answered. “The poor colt needs some meat on his bones, but he just won’t let us feed him much!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being that skinny,” Mr. Cake told her. “But they’re both competing, so do you mind setting them up?”

“Of course, of course. Right this way, dears!” The fat-bottomed girl led us to a picnic table set up for ponies, which was just a picnic table that was exactly the same as a human one. I don’t know why. “Just have a seat and I’ll bring some pies over.”

Luna and I sat next to each other, her hair hitting against my shoulder because of the wind it seemed to be in. She set her bunny next to her. “You’ll probably win,” I said, pulling the skull off my head once again and setting it next to me. “I’m not much one for eating contests.”

“Then it is hardly a fair win. But I shall take it anyway.”

Mrs. Cake started putting pies down in front of us. “What kind of pies are these?” I asked her as she went to get some more.

“Pumpkin,” she replied. “We thought it fit the season.”

“Second best kind of pie,” I said, smiling in delight. “Only behind cheesecake.”

“Cheese… cake?” Luna asked. “Wouldn’t that be a cake and not a pie?”

“You’d certainly think,” I said with a shrug. “But I always considered it a pie since it has pie crust. Anyway, Mrs. Cake, you got a knife I can use? My face isn’t exactly suited for plunging into pies. Cutting it would make things easier.”

She brought over a simple butter knife with the next batch of pies. It was plenty enough for me, so I just nodded, taking the thing in hand.

“That’s hardly fair,” Luna commented. In reply, Mrs. Cake set one in front of her as well.

“Now, are you two ready?” she asked, lifting the stop watch.

“Yep,” I said with a nod.

“Ready!” Luna answered.

“Begin!” The watch beeped and both Luna and I snatched up the first pie. She just shoved her face in while I cut it into slices and started eating it that way. I was in the contest for free pie, not to win.

However, I could definitely tell that Luna was in that one to win. She shoved down so many fucking pies it wasn’t even funny. In the end, she got down upwards of thirteen of the damn things. I ate two and a half.

“It is nice to know we won,” she sighed happily, leaning back and rubbing her belly.

“You say that now. We’ll see how you feel in a few minutes when you realize that you just ate thirteen fucking pies. Your stomach’s gonna hurt like a bitch.”

“It was worth it, although I am unaware of how a dog hurts.”

“Thirteen pies?” Cup Cake asked, her eyebrows lifting. “You must have been quite hungry!” She gave the two and a half empty tins in front of me a cursory glance before rolling her eyes.

“They were most delicious,” Luna said, struggling to pull her newly fat ass out of the bench. To be fair, I had trouble extricating myself as well, but that’s just because I was in robes.

“I’m happy you liked them, Princess!” she answered, the dollar signs practically appearing in her eyes. “Thirteen full pies is definitely a new record, so we’ll have to think of some new prize.”

“The thought is appreciated,” Luna answered. “Now, I believe Navarone and I need to walk off that extra weight.”

“Psh. Speak for yourself,” I said as I put the skull back on. “But I suppose I can grant you some company. I’m a nice guy, after all.”

“So gracious,” she sarcastically replied, floating the bunny to her back. “Come, then. There must be an activity we can find while this pie settles.”

Back into the night we began walking, looking around for some new trouble to get into. Surprisingly enough, the ‘trouble’ actually found us instead of the other way around. “Ah, Princess!” Rarity said, hopping off a stage near us. “We were just looking for you.”

“What is it you need, Generosity?” Luna asked.

“There’s a costume contest going on right now and the other organizer wanted to ask if you would help us judge. I’m sure the contestants would absolutely adore having a princess judge them!”

Luna looked from Rarity to me for what I assumed was advice. I just shrugged and said, “Go for it. Hey Rarity, who all can be a contestant?”

“Oh, anypony,” she answered. “There’s a separate category for adults and foals, though.”

“I will judge,” Luna answered with a nod. “But only if Navarone competes.”

“Of course! Wait… Navarone, what are you supposed to be, anyway?”

“It’s the human’s personification of Death itself.”

“That’s… interesting. Why anthropomorphize it as another of your kind instead of making it something completely different?”

“Because we killed all of the monsters we ever ran into, save for ourselves and Death. What better way to respect death than to give it the form of the only monster we could never kill? Now, where are we supposed to go?”

“Navarone, you and your kind… scare me,” Rarity said, shaking her head. “But just follow me.” She began walking around the stage. “So, Princess, what brings you to Ponyville?”

“I am here for the festival,” Luna answered. “Navarone, your kind are monster hunters?”

“That depends entirely upon what you consider monsters.”

“Such a ghastly topic!” Rarity said, shivering. “Surely not suitable for something to discuss in front of a princess.” I just shrugged. “So why this festival, Princess? There are many others that tend to be more enjoyable.”

“We prefer the night,” Luna answered. “And the cool air, of course. There are other festivals, but not many that occur at night.”

“Hm. That’s understandable. But you should really make an attempt to come to next year’s Summer Wrap Up festival. There will be considerably more ponies here and many more contests to take part in. I’m sure you’d love it!”

“I will… consider it,” Luna tactfully answered. Thankfully, finally getting up onto the stairs saved us from going through more of Rarity’s torture.

“She said yes, everypony!” Rarity merrily called out, getting the attention of everyone on the stage. Unfortunately, the little colt I’d been fucking with wasn’t there. Although honestly, that probably wasn’t a bad thing. The poor bastard was probably already going to have enough nightmares.

“Wonderful news,” a stallion that I didn’t recognize said. “It’s good to have you judging with us, Princess.” From that, I assumed he was Rarity’s other judge.

“...Anything to assist,” Luna awkwardly answered, not sure what else to say.

“The rules are fairly simple,” Rarity said. “There are a few categories. Cute, realistic, and scary. Each contestant will say a few words and then step aside for the next one. At the end, we judge everypony and decide on a winner.”

“Very well,” Luna said, nodding. “‘Tis a simple sounding task.”

“Good, good. Navarone, go stand with the other contestants. We’ll be starting shortly!”

“Alright. See you in a few minutes, Luna.” I didn’t even realize I forgot to say princess until I was already walking away. Nothing was made of it, though, so I assumed no one else noticed either. Anyway, I walked around to the large gathering of ponies that were chatting amongst themselves, each in costume.

I was rather out of place in that group, but it wasn’t long before Pinkie approached me, smiling widely. “Nav, you did dress up!”

“Did you expect me not to?” I asked, rolling my shoulders.

“Well, I kinda expected you to avoid everypony all night, actually. But I’m so happy you didn’t!”

“Eh. I like scaring kids. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Silly Navi, there aren’t any goats in Ponyville! What are you dressed up as, anyway?”

“Humanity’s personification of death.”

“Neat! Is that why your face is a skull?” I have no clue how she was able to see into the cowl I was wearing, but I suppose the area was lit up enough that it was possible.

“Yeah.”

“Aww… I liked it the way it was before, when it was all mushy and soft!”

“Eh, it’ll go back to normal when I take the mask off.”

“Oooh, that’s a mask! Can I try it on?” she asked, starting to bounce in place.

“No. Your face is shaped too strangely.”

“Aww…” That killed most of her enthusiasm.

A new voice cut through the conversations all around us. “Would the first contestant please come forward?”

And then all of Pinkie’s enthusiasm was back. “That’s me! Wish me luck, Nav!” With that, she happily skipped to the front of the stage and began strutting like a chicken. After nearly a minute of making a fool of herself, she very elegantly bowed and walked back over to us. “Totally nailed it,” she said with a smile.

“If you say so,” I replied as the next contestant was called forward. And so the contest went until I was the last one left.

“Good luck!” Pinkie quietly called as I slowly stepped forward, using the scythe as a walking stick.

“So what are you?” the male judge asked, smiling up at me.

“Death,” I hissed, slowly pulling myself to my full height. “And thy time has come, stallion.”

“W-what?”

I started slowly walking toward him. “Thou hast liveth for far too long. I am here to drag thee down to the dark pits of hell where thou belongs.”

“You’re… a very good acto—”

“Who is acting, knave?” I angrily said, flinching to a stop. My head tilted slightly, as though confused. “Dost thou think thee still be living? Nay, thou art dead.” I once more began walking to where the three judges stood. The stallion began backing away. “Run not! There is no escaping thy fate.” One of my hands lifted to my cowl, slowly pulling it back as I said, “Look into my eyes and know only darkness!” With the hood fully back, the skull I had on was visible for all to see.

The stallion’s eyes went extremely wide and he started stammering, his legs shaking.

“Thy. Time. Has. Come,” I slowly announced, drawing closer with each word. Finally I stood before him, glaring down with empty eye sockets. He stood, transfixed, as I lifted the scythe up with both hands. Without a word, I brought it straight down… and it stopped right in front of his face, held in a blue aura.

“That is more than enough,” Luna said, pushing me away from the poor guy that could do nothing more than stare at the tip of the scythe.

“Oh come on. I wasn’t actually going to hit him,” I said, smiling behind the mask.

“Your time was up,” is all she said.

“Ahem…” Rarity daintily coughed, getting our attention. “That was quite a performance, Navarone,” she said. “Now, please return to the group so we can deliberate.” I shrugged and started walking back, settling the hood back over my head as I did.

“That was really cool!” Pinkie said when I got back to the group. The others didn’t seem to think so, however, as they all edged away from me. “I didn’t know you could act!”

“I have a lot of skills you ponies don’t know about,” I replied with a shrug. “But really, acting isn’t all that hard. You just have to know what you’re doing and be careful not to hesitate at the wrong moments.”

“You should teach acting classes, then.” Some of the unimportant ponies around us muttered at that.

“...Nah. That really doesn’t sound that fun.” Of course, she kept bothering me about it right up until the judges called for our attention.

“Everypony, we’re ready to announce the winners!” Rarity yelled over the talking horses around me. “Cutest foal goes to Twist, for her candy costume.” The little filly in question stepped forward, beaming. Okay, that kid is not at all cute. Her candy cane outfit was amusing, though. Rarity placed a medal around the neck of the candy cane and pointed the filly off to the right.

The stallion called, “The winner of the most realistic foal goes to Snails for his… ugh, snail costume.” The ugly colt stepped—er, slid forward, leaving a disgusting trail of slime behind him. God, I don’t even want to think about what a young teenager would use to make slime. The stallion put a medal around his neck, trying his hardest not to touch the kid. As soon as it was in place, he backed away, pointing Snails to stand next to Twist.

“And the winner for the scariest foal is Scootaloo,” Luna called out. A beaming Scoots stepped forward, showing off her cute little wolf costume. How is that scary? Come on, guys. Luna put the medal around Scootaloo’s proud neck and motioned for her to join the other two. She definitely made sure to stand away from Snails.

“That’s it for the foals,” Rarity said. “Next is the adult category. The winner of the cutest costume is Nurse Redheart!”

“Oh shoot,” Pinkie muttered, lightly kicking the stage.

The nurse stepped up, showing off her somewhat adorable nurse costume. Man, back on earth she would probably be wearing a slutty costume. Well, she’s a horse anyway, so it’s not like I’m missing anything. Rarity put the medal around Redheart’s neck and pointed her off to the side where the foals weren’t standing. She stood there proudly, waiting for the two others to join her.

“The winner of the most realistic prize is Pinkie Pie!” the stallion called out, smiling this time.

“Yay!” Pinkie jumped forward, hugging the judge. He awkwardly patted her on the back before prying her away to give her the medal. She took it and bounced off to join Nurse Redheart.

“And of course, the winner of the scariest costume is Navarone,” Luna announced, nodding at me. I shrugged and stepped forward, feeling the stares of everyone in the small crowd behind me. It took some slight kneeling for her to be able to easily put the medal around my neck, but she eventually managed. Unfortunately, it ended up with her hooves all over me there for a second, but we both ignored the moment and I marched on to join the other two.

“We won!” Pinkie excitedly whispered as Rarity launched into a speech meant to make the losers feel better about sucking.

“Sure did,” I just as quietly answered, not overly excited. I mean, I entered the damn thing on a whim, not caring if I won or lost. She didn’t seem to pick up on my apathy. Or if she did, she was too excited to comment on it. I just studied my medal as Rarity continued talking.

...All it had on it was a carved pumpkin head that was frowning. But it felt like real metal, so I wasn’t about to complain. It’s a better reward than I ever got from a costume contest back home, that’s for sure.

It didn’t take Rarity too long to shut the fuck up, thankfully. “And that wraps up this year’s costume contest, everypony!” she finally announced. “I hope to see you all next year.”

The crowd didn’t waste too much time dispersing. I barely even saw Pinkie as she darted away to find more candy. Only Rarity, Luna, and I stayed on the stage. I walked over to them.

“It was an honor to have you with us,” Rarity said to the princess. “And I know it meant a lot to everypony here.”

“It was a… fun contest,” Luna answered. “Though I believe I would have preferred being a contestant rather than a judge.”

“Oh, you can certainly compete next year, if you’d like! I can even make you a costume!”

“...We shall consider it,” Luna answered, one of her ears twitching slightly. “Navarone, I would like to go and find more fun.”

“Alright, let’s go see what we can find,” I said. “Have a good night, Rarity.”

“You too, Nav,” she said with a smile. “Enjoy your date!”

“It’s not a—” Luna started dragging me away at that point, using magic to pull me along. Rarity giggled before turning away to go about her own business.

“Why did Rarity tell you to enjoy your date?” Luna asked, releasing me. “You do not have any fruit with you.”

“Uh. Dates have two meanings, these days. The first is the fruit. The second is a romantic outing between a pair that is involved in a way that involves more than friendship.”

She stopped in her tracks, staring at me. “And dost thou consider this a date, Navarone?” she very calmly asked.

“No? That’s what I was trying to tell Rarity when you dragged me off.”

“Hm. Very well. Let us continue, then. But you will correct Generosity when next you see her.”

“Alright. No need to be so defensive, Princess.”

“...You may call me Luna, Navarone,” she said, starting to walk.

“Cool,” I said, falling into step next to her. “And of course, you can call me Nav.” She smiled, happy that she finally earned the right to use my nickname. Not that I cared either way, of course. Maybe people really were that much more formal in her time.

“So what other games are there for us to play?” she asked as we walked through the festival.

“Well, there’s pumpkin carving, if anyone is hosting a contest for it. That would be pretty fun.”

“Are there any games in which we may cooperate rather than compete?” she asked, watching two fillies run past, yelling in delight about something.

“I don’t know. Scavenger hunt, maybe? Each team gets a list of things to find and they prowl around to look for everything. I don’t know if anyone is doing something like that, though. Hell, most of the games we’ve already played could be done against other groups, if we had anyone to compete against.”

At the sound of more intense screams than usual, the two of us looked up toward a building that was very decorated for the holiday, covered in all kinds of spooky scary things, like miniature skeletons. As we watched, a group of mares galloped out, each screaming at the top of their lungs.

“And what is that?” she asked, watching another group going in.

“If I had to guess, I’d say a haunted house. There are several actors in there that try to scare you. The goal is to make it to the end without running out.” The group that just walked in quickly extricated themselves, running away like their lives depended on it. “Some places have prizes at the end. Some don’t.”

“We shall enter the house of horror,” she said, nodding resolutely. “You shall keep me from being scared. I shall keep you from being scared. We will beat this building!”

“I’m in. Let’s go.” We both walked to the rather large building, what looked to normally be a mansion.

“So what manner of horrors lie within?” she asked.

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “I’ve never been to a pony house of horrors. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just a pony in a white sheet jumping out and yelling boo.”

“That would be most disappointing.”

There was no one at the door, so we just stepped through easily enough. From what little I could see, the place was obviously dark and slightly misty. When we entered, I could hear the hissing of a fog machine expelling more of its foul product. I snorted softly upon hearing it. This’ll be fun.

The first ‘scare’ was a simple jump scare, doing essentially nothing but making the two of us flinch. The clown that jumped out tried his hardest, but… he was a clown. Not even a scary clown, either; the guy’s lips were painted as a smile.

We just walked past him, seeing a few props on our trip. Bowls of spaghetti for worms and a few grapes for eyes. Our second jump came from a sheet with a string on it, being thrown down at us from above.

“Really?” Luna asked as it bounced off me and slid back. We just shook our heads and continued onward.

The next little area was set up with a few spider webs and shit, but all the spiders were stuffed and looked relatively cute. A few fake snakes sat on the ground as well. Some black and white striped pony jumped out in front of us. “Ooga booga!” he shouted. We both jumped in surprise, but did little more. “Oh come on, that gets everypony!”

“Never break character,” I said as we walked past him. He just sighed.

The next area had a dentist standing in front of a patient that was strapped down. “CAVITIES!” the stallion happily yelled, pulling out a drill that looked like a toy and moving it close to the mare’s mouth.

I almost burst out laughing, but managed to control myself as we walked deeper into the horrible haunted house. The next place had a mail mare named Derpy, whose head was on a platter. As normal, both of her eyes were skewed, making it look like she had been in some kind of horrible accident. But of course, she couldn’t help but wear the goofy smile she almost always had on her face, even as we walked by and barely spared her a glance.

The next room had two ponies that just groaned, “Brains,” as they slowly shuffled toward us. They didn’t have any makeup or anything on them, so they were completely indistinguishable from any other ponies, other than their groans. We easily skirted around them and continued.

The final room was a little bit different. In it was a large amount of mirrors, all angled so that it was hard to tell where to go. “Ugh, I fucking hate mirror rooms,” I sighed, starting to walk in with one of my hands outstretched.

“I never did enjoy mirrors either,” Luna commented, joining me in attempting to find the path through the maze.

The maze that ended up being a straight line. There were no side paths. Did they even try? Jesus, this is pathetic.

When we got through, a smiling stallion was standing there at the end. “So what did you think, Princess?” he asked.

“Your ‘house of horrors’ was more of a house of mild annoyances,” she replied. “It was most disappointing.”

The guy’s smile very quickly disappeared. “Really? Everypony else ran screaming!”

“Everypony else is not an ancient princess,” she replied. “Come, Navarone. Let us depart.”

“I have a more fun idea,” I said, a plan forming in my mind. “Are you looking for tips to make this place scarier?” I asked the stallion.

“Well, if it didn’t manage to make either of you scream… Yes,” he said. “We would happily take any advice you have. And if you want to help, that would be even better!”

I turned to Luna. “What do you think? Scaring people is a whole lot of fun. And hell, I think we about ran out of things to do anyway. We could spend a few hours here, kicking these guys into shape.”

“Was my goal here not to become more accepted, Nav?” she asked. “I do not know how scaring others would assist in that plan.”

“Sometimes it’s fun to be scared,” I replied with a shrug. “As long as you don’t actually hurt anyone and allow them to win in the end, they’ll definitely remember you for it. And not necessarily in a bad way, either.”

“...Very well. We shall assist you.”

“Wonderful!” the stallion gushed. “Oh, and I’m Filthy Rich, by the way. This is my home. If you two need anything, just let me know.”

“Oh, I already have the perfect plan,” Luna said with a dark grin.

I knew right then that the night just got good.

“Who dares to approach the house of horrors?” I darkly intoned, lifting the scythe up slightly and slamming it on the ground with a dull thump. Luna changed my appearance in a few key ways, adding glowing red orbs to the skull sockets that only other people could see, completely remaking my scythe into something that Death would actually carry to ceremonially kill people, and adding an overlay of some kind of bony substance on my gloves.

Of the four ponies before me, I only recognized two: Flitter and Cloudchaser. I didn’t know the stallions with them. “We do,” the stallion said, obviously trying to be a tough guy for the mares.

“Ye are all of age. Do ye all truly wish to enter?” I asked.

“Of course!” the other stallion said, smiling.

I slammed the staff down again and the door opened behind me. “I am Charon and will guide your way this night. Come.” I began slowly shuffling into the house, giving them plenty of time to follow me. “There are many things in life of which to be afraid,” I calmly said, waiting until they were all inside before turning. “Tell me, what do you expect to find in this house?”

“Nothing much,” the first stallion said. The two mares both rolled their eyes at his shitty bravado.

“Then we shall see how you manage.” When I said that, the doors slammed shut behind them, locking instantly. “Come. Dark things lurk in these halls and it would not do to stand still for them.”

“Hmph. Spooky,” the other guy mocked as they all started following me into the dark building, mist licking at their hooves but seeming to completely avoid me.

As we walked further in, a faint sound of laughter slowly became apparent. It wasn’t normal laughter, either happy or dark. It was an insane laugh, something summoned forth from a broken mind. The girls seemed to be somewhat worried by it and the stallions lost a little bit of their bravado, but one of them quipped, “Somepony telling a bad joke up there?”

“There are many ways for a pony to succumb to fear,” I said. “One is to lose himself in it, to find everything funny. His mind grows so blank with horror that it cracks, making everything he sees into some kind of sick, sick joke…” A shadow flickered to our left and we could hear someone running very, very close. “...And as every good clown knows, his goal in life is to share jokes.”

The same guy from before jumped out from the right, but this time his costume and design were completely different. Luna did something to his eyes, turning them from a rich orange to a sickly glowing yellow. The smile he had painted on before now appeared as a frown and the red makeup seemed wet, as though he had been eating flesh and drinking blood. The outfit he wore was in complete tatters and smeared with unidentifiable substances.

Each one of the ponies behind me squealed when the clown stepped into view. The fellow laughed for a few seconds before immediately stopping and gazing at my charges with wide, wide eyes. “How does one get a stallion down from a tree?” he asked in a voice that didn’t match his lips. There was ten seconds of silence before he snarled, “ANSWER ME!”

“H-How?” one of the mares whimpered.

The clowned grinned, showing chipped and broken teeth, each blackened slightly. Then he held up a noose. “You cut the rope!” Suddenly, another rope dropped down from the ceiling, landing on one of the stallions I was supposed to be guarding. All four of them screamed and huddled together until my scythe reached out and cut the rope hanging from the ceiling.

“Run,” I whispered. They needed no further compelling, each galloping forward as quickly as they could go. I followed at a more sedate pace, the butt of my scythe tapping on the ground dully with each step.

I caught up with them at the next door, which they couldn’t open without me. “Hey uh… I think we saw enough,” one of the stallions quickly said. “This place is kinda lame and—”

“There is no leaving,” I said, stepping past their group. “You go until you reach the end. That is the way of life and what is life without fear?”

“That’s not cool at all!”

Instead of answering, I tapped my staff on the floor twice, opening the next door. “Then I suggest you conquer your fears quickly. Worse things remain ahead.” I had a feeling they all shared very uneasy looks before falling in behind me. “Death and decay come for all eventually,” I said, peering into a bowl of spaghetti that Luna animated to look like worms. “We rot and they play…” One of my hands reached out and caressed the top of the bowl before continuing on.

None of the ponies commented.

“When it does come for you…” I started looking at a bowl of eyes. “...will you accept it? Or will you linger on, bringing fear and pain unto those you refuse to leave behind?”

A ghost fell from the ceiling, considerably better animated than before. It actually appeared to be on fire, though a deep chill rather than heat came from the blue flames on it. Once more, all the ponies squealed, trying to get around it. But the ghost didn’t appear to like that and it snatched Flitter up, slowly dragging her into one of the dark corners. She burst into tears, using her hooves to claw uselessly at the floor. The others just scrambled to the other door, beating on it with their hooves.

I calmly used my scythe to bisect the ghost, dispelling it and ‘saving’ Flitter. “The dead must always move on,” I said, helping her shaking form stand. “As must the living.”

“T-thank you,” she whispered, huddling against me.

“Charon guides all,” I answered, ignoring her thanks and leading her up to the group. “Conquer your fears, ponies. Once more, worse things lie ahead.”

“I don’t wanna go on!” Cloudchaser said.

“The only way out is forward,” I answered, tapping my staff twice more, opening door number three. “Come.” I once more started walking, leading them into the brighter room that looked like something out of a Tim Burton version of Jungle Book. Evil spiders danced about in the vegetation above us, Luna’s animation spell bringing the flimsy stuffed spiders to life in the most horrifying of ways. Each pony eyed them with unrestrained fear.

While spiders owned the top, large snakes ruled the bottom, slithering through the undergrowth and around the legs of each pony. Once more, each of them seemed to avoid me, going out of their way to not touch me.

“While some fear the dead, others fear the living,” I said. “Spiders that climb, snakes that slither…” We suddenly heard several branches snapping to our right. “...and other creatures that are even larger. After all, there is no greater fear than the monster that lies inside, waiting to be released.”

The ‘zebra’ from before jumped out behind the group, war paint covering his face and large piercings in each of his ears. He had a collection of dried scalps and ears hanging from his neck and a crazed look in his eyes. “Chew the flesh, mash the bones!” he howled, charging us. The ponies screamed again and took off running deeper into the jungle, toward the next door.

I wrapped my hand around the zebra’s neck and used the leverage and his momentum to sling myself around his neck, essentially riding him as he chased the ponies to the door. When we finally caught up to where they were all groveling and pawing at the door in horror, I used the scythe to slit the zebra’s throat, relying on the enchantments Luna said she was using to not hurt the poor guy.

The enchants worked, because he slowly ground to a halt before falling right before the group, fake blood leaking from his neck. All four of the ponies were crying now.

“The living only give you fear if you do not resist them,” I said, calmly walking to the group and through them, not sparing any of them a glance.

“I wanna go home!” one of the stallions wailed.

“Then find your courage,” I said, tapping my staff twice more, opening the next door. They reluctantly followed, none of them wanting anything more to do with this place. If I hadn’t saved them from every monster they’d run into, they probably would have all abandoned me just to run to the next door. As it was, they huddled as close to me as they could get. “Some fear pain,” I simply said, turning my head to the left.

A light suddenly turned on, revealing a dentist ripping a tooth out of a mare’s mouth as she cried and writhed in her bonds, groaning in pain and horror. Both of her hindlegs were nailed into the upwards stretcher she was on and her eyes pleaded with us to help her.

The ponies with me froze, their eyes stuck on her. However, the dentist followed her pleading gaze and saw us. We could see his mouth move under the mask he wore in what might have been a rictus grin. “New customers,” he growled, his horn lighting up. This time it was Cloudchaser that was grabbed and he dragged her struggling form to another stretcher, forcing the straps around her. “I’m thinking… eye surgery,” he said, lifting his drill up and turning it on.

I don’t need to add, of course, that Cloudchaser was screaming the whole time and so were her friends. As the dentist leaned in to start his dark work, I rushed in, kicking the drill from his hoof and using the butt of the scythe to push him back. As he tried to recover, I cut Cloudchaser’s bindings loose, allowing her to bolt away without a backwards glance. The other three were already gone, leaving us all behind.

“Be more careful next time,” the stallion muttered, rubbing at where I hit him.

“Some ponies fear pain,” I happily said, walking away. When I joined the four this time, they were all huddling, holding each other. “Pain is impermanent. Life goes on and pain can be forgotten.”

“I won’t go anymore!” Cloudchaser yelled. “I won’t! I—” The sound of a drill and more screams cut her off.

I tapped my staff twice more, allowing them to sprint into the next room. “Sometimes, we all need a break from things,” I said, my voice making a table partially light up. “Refresh. Calm down. Do not wander.”

The four of them slowly approached the table. On it were strings of tofu sausages, cups of strawberry juice, a few tofu meatballs, a tub of very dark jelly, and a few other yummy looking things. After several seconds of hesitation, they began to partake.

I allowed them five minutes respite before saying, “It is time for us to move on.” As I said that, the rest of the table lit up, revealing a carved up Derpy, who appeared to be missing her intestines, eyes, blood, brain, and several other organs.

All four of them flipped their shit when they realized what they just ate.

When they finally recovered enough to go on—which took a good while, mind—I said, “There are three more fears you must all yet face.” I tapped my staff on the ground twice, opening the next door. “The next… is the fear of yourselves.” I walked into the room of mirrors, allowing them to follow me.

The first thing they noticed is that my reflection didn’t appear in any of the mirrors. The second thing they realized is that neither did theirs. Or at least, not their own reflections. No, what confronted them were several reflections. Some were them at old ages. Some were them after a few months of being dead. Some were normal. And there were some that didn’t match any of what I said.

After about the fifth mirror, each had their eyes glued to my back, trying their hardest not to look to the side. Every time one did so, I heard a soft whimper or groan behind me. “There are many things to be afraid of. But you will always be yourself. Why fear it? Revel in what you are and fear not what you will become. By the time you become it, the skin will fit you so well it’ll be like you never changed at all.”

That room was probably the second most disturbing room for all of them, since it showed a very real concern that each had. And of course, I loved every minute of it.

When we got to the next door, I stopped. “The going will become tough from here,” I said.

“It was already impossible!” one of the stallions yelled. “Without you, we’d be dead!”

“You’re the only reason we’re still here,” Flitter said. “If even you think it’ll be tough…” The other two just whimpered as I tapped my staff twice.

The door slowly opened, revealing an entirely empty room. I walked in, the four of them reluctantly following me. “The next fear you must face is simple but dark,” I said. “It is all-consuming and can devour even the stoutest of souls. It is the fear of…” All the lights went out in the room and they all jumped and whimpered in fear. “...abandonment,” I whispered, the sound echoing softly through the room.

When the lights popped back on, I was no longer in the room with them, or at least not that they saw. Luna had a spell of invisibility that she used on me, allowing me to watch and step in if needed.

They all freaked the fuck out when they realized I wasn’t there anymore, especially after what they had said before about how they only made it with my help. After a minute or two of panicking, one of the stallions took a deep breath and got his shit together. “We have to keep moving!” he called, trying to get order over his little group. “Charon said there was only one more fear left. We have to get past it!”

“But only he could open the doors!” Flitter yelled.

“No, only he didopen the doors. All he did was tap his staff twice!” the stallion said, walking over to the next door. He tapped his hoof on the floor twice, making the door open. “See? We have to keep going.”

“But… what if we run into something?” Cloudchaser asked. “We only made it because he saved us!”

“We’ll protect you,” the other stallion said, grinning.

The two mares gulped, but walked to the door. The first stallion led the way, them behind him, and the other stallion behind them. I followed before the door could slide shut. They were now in what they thought was the final room.

“This… doesn’t seem so bad,” Flitter whispered, looking around.

She spoke too soon. When the last word came from her mouth, a dark blue misty form shot out of the final door, slowly coalescing into Nightmare Moon. “Dost thou truly think ye can escape?!” she yelled with her ‘Royal Canterlot Voice.’ “WE SHALL NOT ALLOW IT!”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay to see the result of that final battle, as I had to get back in place. I quietly rushed past the group and into the next door and then used my staff to seal it back, walking to the center of the room. I faced away from the door as the invisibility spell faded, just waiting.

Soon enough, it opened and the four ponies entered, panting for breath. It slid shut behind them, cutting off dark cackling. “We… we made it!” one of the stallions said.

“Charon!” Flitter called. “Why’d you leave us?!”

“I lied to you,” I slowly said, not turning. “Twice. First, my name is not Charon. And second, there is one more fear you yet have to face.”

“Well, we already beat Nightmare Moon!” the leader stallion cockily said. “What else can this place throw at us?”

I didn’t answer until the four of them got close enough to me. Then I slammed the butt of my staff down again, making them stop. I slowly started to turn, reaching up to pull back my hood. “My name is Death,” I said, revealing the skull that Luna had carved dozens of horrifying symbols upon. “Your final fear is betrayal!” I shouted, lifting my scythe up and bringing it down, just barely missing the leading stallion.

They all jumped back in horror, their beloved protector and guide turning on them.

“Stand still and let me drag you to Tartarus!” I hissed, swiping at one of the mares. She squealed and used her wings to fly over me, running to the wall where a door should have been. The others crowded around that wall, all trying to tap a door open as I stalked forward, my red eyes glowing brighter and brighter. “Submit to your fate!” With one last swipe, I dragged the scythe through the air all of them previously occupied as a trap door under them opened, sending their screaming forms down to the final room, where Filthy Rich waited to congratulate them.

...At the end of the night, he told me that not a single pony stayed in that room long enough to talk to him. They all bolted from the house, screaming, as soon as they could.

“‘Twas a most glorious night, Navarone!” Luna announced, pulling me into her in a very unexpected hug. “Fun was had continuously!”

“I’m happy to hear that,” I replied, hugging her back. “That haunted house was a lot of fun.”

“As were the rest of the games,” she said. “And I have many new… gifts… to add to my possessions. My sister will be quite happy with me, I believe.”

“That’s good. I know I definitely had a blast. You ever want to hang out again, just come find me.”

“I shall take you up on that offer,” she said with a nod. “Now, I must return home. I am needed ere the dawn breaks. I will see you again, Nav.”

“Have a good ni—er, day, Luna,” I said with a nod as she spread her wings and took off into the night.

As I walked back to Twilight’s house, the purple mare finally found me. “There you are! I’ve been looking for you and Princess Luna all night! Where have you two been?”

“Haunted house,” I answered with a shrug. “Luna and I helped Filthy Rich retrofit the place to make it actually scary. It was a lot of fun.”

“So that’s what those ponies were talking about…” she said, looking away for a moment. “So where did Princess Luna go?” she asked, looking back to me.

“She went back to Canterlot. She told me that she had a lot of fun but had to get back before dawn. Now, I’m fucking tired.”

“Oh, me too. You can tell me later how the night went, I suppose. But I want to hear all about it!”

“Of course, Twilight. Of course…”

Chapter Five—Twilight’s challenge

ChapterFive—Twilight’s challenge

I think everyone that ended up going to the haunted house Luna and I set up stayed inside their houses for quite a while after they escaped. Given how badly we scared most of them, I felt bad for whoever had to wash their sheets.

Thankfully, no one that I was really close with went through that hellish gauntlet, so no one knew who their beloved traitor was. Since everyone working at the house was in a disguise of some sort, I think all of us escaped any manner of reprisal.

Not that I think the ponies would actually do something like that, mind. All of them seemed rather docile in the haunted house and getting revenge doesn’t seem a very pony-like thing to do. Most of them seem too peaceful to do something like that.

Anyway, a few days after that, Twilight called on me for a favor. “I have been… called out,” she said distastefully. “A unicorn magician that came into town a few months before you arrived got a poor showing here, and I showed her up rather badly on accident. She quickly left town and has apparently spent the last several months learning new spells in order to take me on in a magical contest.”

“So?” I asked. “Slap the bitch around a few times. It’ll be fun.”

She frowned in distaste. “That’s the… basic idea, but with less violence. I just want you to help me trounce her worse than she ever has been, enough to make sure she leaves me alone after this.”

“Psh. Boring. But whatever. I don’t know why you need me, though.”

“The rules of her little contest specify that we can only use things that we have magicked or enchanted,” she explained. “The easy loophole in there means that I can use you, since I summoned you here.”

“And you really think she doesn’t know I’m here, or that you’ll try to use me? If I was going to challenge someone that beat me before, I’d make sure to know all their tricks. Do some research and spying, you know?”

“She might, but what can she really do to counter you? Included in her contest rules is that no pony is to be hurt.”

“Yeah, there’s your problem right there,” I said with a nod. “No pony is to be hurt.”

“I’m sure even Trixie isn’t mean enough to hurt another sentient being on purpose.”

“I hope you’re right. It’s my life on the line here.” And maybe yours, if Luna finds out you got one of her friends killed.

“Of course, I won’t let you go into it without every protection I can give you. I also won’t let you go into it looking like… that.”

“What’s wrong with the way I look?” I asked. My beard was getting ragged as fuck and my hair was really starting to become a bit like a jewfro. My hair, you see, is really, really curly and when it grows long it grows out, not down. I’m not much a fan of how I looked at the moment, personally, but I don’t see why it mattered for Twilight.

She pointed to a body length mirror that was conveniently located in the main room of the library and said, “Look there and you’ll see the problem.” Ouch. “And as much as I don’t want to sound like Rarity, I don’t really know if I want you going while wearing your normal clothing. I don’t suppose you had Rarity make you anything fancy?”

“Not aside from my Halloween costume, no.”

“It’s Nightmare Night, Nav. And I suppose there isn’t really time to worry about dressing you nicely. This time. But after this, we really need to get a nice suit commissioned for you on the off chance that you ever have to meet Princess Celestia.”

“Ugh. I hate fancy clothing. Can’t I just lie and tell her this stuff is considered fancy for humans? I’m sure she’d buy it.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” Twilight answered. “But we can deal with it later.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes before asking, “So what do you propose to do about the rest of my… problematic appearance?”

“We do have a barber here and I suppose he can figure out how to cut that ragged thing on your face off. Your mane, I’ll leave up to you. Either get it straightened or shortened, I suppose. If those are common styles for humans, at least.” Not even married yet and I’m already being told how to dress.

“Mane? That’s called hair. But whatever. I’ll probably just have it straightened. The beard… Well, it does get hot. Since you asked so kindly, I can change myself up a little.” I didn’t tell her that we called pulling your hair back like that a ponytail, because she’d probably give me one of those looks and tell me to stop being stupid.

So she took me to the barber. I shit you not, the entire shop was set up like you’d expect in a show coming out of the 1950’s. Even the barber looked like he belonged in one of those shows, being black and white himself. It was… disconcerting.

“Oh hello, Ms. Twilight. How can I help you today?” the fellow asked.

“Hello, Mr. Thompson. Navarone here needs a shave. And if you can, he also needs his… hair… straightened.”

“I don’t know about dealing with hair, but if you mean that mop on the top of his head, I can straighten it out right quick. Getting rid of that stuff on his face might take a bit longer.”

“Like I have a choice in the matter,” I muttered. “Whatever, Mr. Barber-man. Tell me where to sit so we can begin this farce.”

When he pulled out the sheep shears I almost said fuck it. With a pitying look at me, though, he replaced them with a razor. How he was able to hold it with his hooves, though, I don’t know, and I saw him do it. This world, man, it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Anyway, he removed the scraggle from my face and it instantly felt fifteen degrees cooler in the room.

His method for straightening my hair definitely made sure I was awake and it made Twilight giggle: he dunked my head into a sink full of really, really cold water, and then pulled all the hair back and put it into what I call a ponytail and what they apparently call normal.

It was not amusing.

“Well, that was amusing,” Twilight said as we were leaving. The barber was smiling at our backs as we walked away, my hair still dripping.

“If I had known you thought getting dunked in cold water was amusing, I would have found better ways to wake you up in the past,” I coldly answered, not liking the autumn chill on my wet hair.

“I don’t think it would be too amusing if it happened to me, I mean,” she answered with a smile. “But it’s funny when it happens to you.”

“Of course.” Women.

Pinkie Pie just happened to be waltzing by at that moment. And I do mean waltzing: It looked like she was dancing past. Knowing her, I wouldn’t be too surprised if she was. When she saw me she stopped, and exclaimed, “Navi! What happened to your head? It… shrank!” Several nearby ponies turned at her outburst, but seeing it was just Pinkie Pie, they shook their heads and went on.

“Not my name. And Twilight here seems to think we’re married and can dictate how I dress and style myself. I was stupid enough to give in just once and now she’s refusing to ever take no for an answer.”

“Yeah, that does sound about right for Twilight…” Pinkie Pie said. “Give her an inch and suddenly she demands you dispose of everypony in the room and hide their bodies in the pitch black night…” Sometimes I really, really wonder about Pinkie Pie.

“I’m standing right here, you know!” Twilight said, getting annoyed.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “We were just in the barber shop together, remember?”

“Yeah, Twilight, we’re not blind,” Pinkie Pie added.

Faced by a dual front of immaturity, Twilight just gave up with an, “Ugh.”

Seeing an opportunity to perhaps cause Twilight more embarrassment, I asked, “So, Pinkie, do you waltz? I saw you dancing by and that’s what it looked like to me.”

“YOU KNOW ABOUT WALTZING!” she yelled while grabbing me hurriedly and shaking me for emphasis. “None of the ponies here had ever heard about it before! I can’t believe it took a human to finally find me a partner! Why didn’t you ever mention it before?” Her tirade complete, she stopped shaking me and just looked at me with her large blue eyes, practically daring me to say something contrary.

“Well…” I started. Her eyes suddenly got more intensive and her grip got considerably tighter. “I was never very good at it, and it has been years since I actually did it last.” Her grip was actually starting to hurt now and I was wondering how the hell she was doing that with no fingers. “Uh, Pinkie Pie?”

Just as suddenly, she released me, smiled, stepped back, and said “I’ll reteach you soon!” With that, she bounced off. I immediately found myself fearing for my life and looked at Twilight imploringly.

“Don’t look at me. You did this one to yourself,” she said, starting to walk back to the library. Damn her for being right. I began walking with her.

“So when is this little showdown of yours set to happen?” I asked, trying to get my mind off the horror of Pinkie. “And… where, I guess?”

“The when is three days. We leave tomorrow. The where… Well, let’s just say there’s more than one reason I’m bringing you along. It’s to be in an abandoned castle a day’s walk away. She told me to come alone, but I don’t think you count, since you’re one of the things I magicked into being. I would bring Spike, since I technically magicked him to life as well, but I don’t think he’d be very useful in something like this.”

My mind picked the words ‘abandoned castle’ out instantly. “This sounds exactly like a trap.”

“Yes, it does. But I let all my friends know I’m going and when to expect me back. And, as I said, I’m bringing you with me. Besides, we’re going prepared. I remember you mentioning and describing to me how a weapon in your world worked, something called a crossbow. I had one made, as well as fifty bolts. It’s a small thing, but it should be enough of a surprise against her if she tries to pull anything. Or, more likely, we run into anything on the way. I can’t use it, of course, but you can.”

“Oh, hell yes. I’ve wanted to get my hands on one of those for years! How did you know how to make it, though? And… when did you make it? Didn’t you only hear about this competition thing, like, yesterday?”

“I had it made for you a few days ago because I knew you needed a steady source of… protein. Beans can only get you so much. I understand that your body needs it. This way you can go hunting to find some yourself, because buying it would be both difficult and expensive. You’ll just have to ask Fluttershy where it’s safe to go, or else risk the Everfree.”

“Fucking awesome. You don’t know how tired I am of eating eggs, beans, and cheese.”

“Yes I do. You always complain about it. But making it wasn’t that difficult, once you explained the basic concept. It’s admittedly fairly primitive compared to the ones you described, but I was able to test it enough to know that it fires.”

“If it shoots straight and doesn’t kick like a bull, I don’t care. And I’m really glad to see you finally trust me. I’ll be sure not to use it on someone unless they really deserve it.”

“To you, deserving it might mean them looking at you funny.”

“That’s deserving it, not really deserving it. Big difference.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, and it’s not to be used against Trixie unless she actually starts becoming dangerous.”

“Just take all the fun out of it… Fine.”

When she did show me the crossbow, I found myself somewhat disappointed. It was a pain to crank back and the aim was a bit off. If I had gotten it sooner, I could have learned how to shoot it. As it was, I could only use it to ward off any far away threats and hope they were dead before they got within knife range, and then actually knife them if they weren’t.

Still, with some practice I could probably hunt with it. That definitely counted for something. I would still have to remember how to skin animals and what was safe to eat, but it was better than not having meat at all.

She also pulled out two brown cloaks, one for her and one for me. It was at that point that I started to feel a bit like Van Hellsing. I’m honestly not sure why she wanted us to go cloaked, but this was her show and I was just following the lead.

Rarity couldn’t make me new shoes to replace the ragged and cold ones I had before we left, but promised that a pair would be done by the time we got back. So I just went with what I had and hoped they wouldn’t fall apart across the terrain we had to cover. If I learned anything from my time in Equestria, it’s that the Chinese slaves making our shoes need to be whipped harder so their products don’t suck as bad.

Anyway, the night passed and we left early in the morning. Applebloom saw us walking through the fields and asked if she could get the gang together to see if they could earn their spectator cutie marks, but we gently rebuked her and continued on our way.

I did make a request to stop off at Applejack’s barn to pick something up, just in case. Twilight was curious, but I didn’t offer any information so she dropped it. That something, of course, was some nice and flammable alcohol.

After seeing that there was no lasting effect on Dash, I talked to Applejack and told her that she was free to start making the stuff as long as she kept her operation small and personal. That way I could get a cut and she could use some for whatever she needed. Everybody won.

“So,” I asked a few hours later, “what does a magic competition usually involve?” We hadn’t been traveling that much in silence, since Twilight took pains to show off what she knew by talking about the various things we passed.

“Normally, they don’t happen. And normally I wouldn’t agree to participate in one. But… well, let’s just say that she put forward a good argument as to why I should. But to actually answer your question, on the rare occasions they do happen, a certain number of bouts are staged, and whoever wins the majority of the bouts wins. Basic rules are that anything goes, but she knew I wouldn’t accept that so she added that nothing can be done to harm the other contestant. And since it might be a trap, we’re going to be protected by as many charms as I can cast.”

“That’s comforting, I suppose. What if it’s not actually a trap and you tire yourself out casting protection spells?”

“Protection spells are never a waste. And you haven’t met Trixie. Last I saw, she was barely able to do anything other than impress foals. A few months can’t make somepony completely amazing.”

“Well, that’s comforting. I still say it’s a waste of time. Anyway, what’s the plan?”

“You’re my trump card. She probably won’t know what to make of you, so that’ll hopefully put her off guard. If you can get close enough to her and get on her back, we pretty much have her beaten.”

“So my job in this is to get in a rodeo match. How fun.”

“I knew you’d think so!” It’s hard to tell when they’re ignoring sarcasm or just don’t hear it.

Let me tell you, that was a cold, cold night, sleeping on the ground, outside, without a beard. I was tempted to bury my face in Twilight’s mane and dare her to say anything, but I didn’t figure she would much like that.

The next morning, we continued on our way and finally saw the castle looming on the horizon. We ducked behind a little hill to plan our next move.

“So, trap?” I asked.

“Maybe. I mean, Trixie didn’t really seem like the most well-rounded pony, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s out to get me.”

“Eh. If it is, my money is on the two portcullises dropping as soon as we get inside the gate, trapping us between them. Can you cast an illusion of us and make us invisible? We can go before the illusion and have them follow us in, so that she thinks she has us trapped when in actuality we’re inside the castle.”

“Why don’t we just cast the illusion, see if what you say is true, and then leave if it is?”

“Didn’t you say she had a good reason to get you out here? I figure if we walked this far, we might as well see this through.”

She blushed slightly at the mention of her reason, and that really got me wondering, but I didn’t say anything. She agreed to the plan and we proceeded on our way to the meeting invisibly, followed by two illusionary doppelgangers.

To no one’s surprise, the gates did crash down with our fakes caught between them. We heard laughter from one of the halls and decided to watch and see rather than investigate. After all, maybe she was just pulling a prank?

The blue mare didn’t take long to reveal herself, dressed in a ridiculous starred pointy hat and a purple cape, and started on a long and dreadfully boring monologue about how Twilight Sparkle had ruined this and that. All of it was in third person, which was really fucking annoying. Trixie didn’t look too surprised to see an illusion of me standing next to Twilight.

She ended her tirade with, “And so Trixie brought you here to show you up, once and for all! What do you have to say to that, Twilight Sparkle?”

“You’re doing a poor job of it so far,” Twilight answered from next to me, dispelling both the illusion and the invisibility field.

Trixie jumped in surprise and let out a startled noise when she saw us, but recomposed herself quickly. “Well well well. It seems you do have some tricks up your sleeve. But Trixie will show you all the Trix of the Trade!”

Twilight and I just stared at her in silence for a few seconds before I face-palmed. “Did you really just say that?” I sighed.

“What?” Twilight said. “I don’t—Ooooh. That’s… awful. Did you just come up with that now? You couldn’t have prepared it.”

Now the mare was blushing in either anger or embarrassment, not sure which. “Trixie shouldn’t expect two simpletons like you to understand excellent wordplay when they hear it!”

“Ugh. Silly pony. Tricks are for kids!” I blankly said, faking any kind of enthusiasm. “Twilight, why don’t you show her some real magic, eh?” That statement had a bit more life in it. There’s just no reason to encourage awful puns, especially not in Ponyland.

Trixie snorted and broke in before Twilight could respond. “Allowing your familiar to speak to you like that?” she said. “Just what Trixie expected from somepony like you. Trixie has a bit more control over hers.”

“...You summoned a familiar?” Twilight asked, a tinge of horror in her voice.

That didn’t sound good to me. “The fuck is a—holy shit!”

As I started speaking, Trixie’s horn lit up and in a flash of light, some… thing appeared. It had the base body of a wolf, but it was so much of a chimera that it was hard to tell what else it had. There were random tufts of fur all over its body, making the thing look like it had a constant case of a bad hair day. Its front two legs were bird-like talons and its back two were lion’s legs, ending in paws. The tail was long and narrow, though knotted in random places. And as it stared at me with fiery eyes, an extremely long and thin tongue slithered out of its dog-like face to taste the air.

“You summoned an alphyn?” Twilight squeaked, staring at it in shock.

“Of course! Nothing but the best for Trixie, unlike your flimsy ape thing,” she mocked.

“Hey, at least I’m not as ugly as that thing,” I shot back.

The alphyn snarled and surged forward, but Trixie hissed, making it slink back, glaring at me. Twilight sighed and said, “I should mention, Nav, that alphyns are sapient and can talk.”

“Trixie just isn’t going to let her familiar control her, unlike you,” Trixie stated smugly.

“At least I’m not stupid enough to summon a familiar!” Twilight shot back.

“To be fair,” I broke in, “you were stupid enough to summon me instead.”

Twilight glared at me while Trixie laughed. “Not even your pet is on your side! This competition truly will be easy.”

“And I’m not a pet, either,” I said.

“Well, legally—” Twilight started before being cut off by the blue cunt.

“Enough talk! Trixie didn’t spend months preparing to listen to you two quabble.”

“It’s not quabbling,” I said. “It’s arguing. Get it right.”

“Trixie is going to enjoy watching her familiar beat you,” Trixie growled.

“Which would be against the rules,” Twilight said. “Nopony is to be hurt.”

“No pony is to be hurt,” Trixie said with a smirk.

“See! That’s exactly what I said!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Either amend it or we’re leaving. I’m not going to let Nav get hurt.”

“Oh? Is your precious pet more important than the possible prize?”

“I don’t want any of my friends to get hurt. If that means I lose out, I lose out.”

“Tch. Fine. Hear that, Phinny?” she said to the ugly thing standing next to her. “Be gentle.” The thing glared at her with all the hate it could possibly pool into its heart before turning that hatred back to me. “Now can we finally start?”

“Yes, yes. What manner of competition did you have in mind?” Twilight asked. “There are several types and—”

“Each of us brought a pet along, so we can have a few fun little bouts,” Trixie said with an unnerving smile. “But they can have their fun after we have ours.” See, that makes it sound perverted.

“So, what, we compete?” Twilight asked. “What are we doing?”

“A magic competition, of course!” Trixie said, glaring at Twilight. “The last pony standing wins.”

“See, that makes it sound like someone’s gonna get hurt,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Silence, ape!” Trixie shot back. “Your betters are speaking.”

“On second thought, I agree with her rules,” I said. “Kick her fucking ass, Twilight.”

“As much as I dislike violence, I’m starting to agree. Very well, Trixie. So where are we doing this?”

“Trixie and her familiar have cleared this courtyard to use it for these bouts, so that is where we shall compete. And of course, you and Trixie will go first! You two, wait against the wall!” Trixie’s horn lit up, shoving me and the wolf thing toward the wall. I took the hint and shrugged, walking that way. The alphyn seemed more reluctant to go, but followed anyway.

“So how’s this gonna work?” Twilight asked as we walked away.

I didn’t pay attention to Trixie’s answer because, truth be told, I was tired of that blueberry cunt. “So is Phinny your real name?” I asked the alphyn.

“It is not,” it—he, it sounded like—growled. “And if you say it again, I will disembowel you where you stand.”

“...Alright. So what is your name, then?”

“My kind do not use names,” he contemptuously answered.

“That’s gotta get confusing. How do you know who’s talking to who?”

“We rarely talk.” Twilight and Trixie were squaring off at this point, each walking to one side of the ‘arena’.

“Bet that makes it easier… You know, I get the feeling that you don’t want to be here.”

“I don’t.” Twilight’s horn lit up and a small shield expanded around her.

“Why not leave, then? Or rip that cunt’s throat out?” Trixie smirked at Twilight’s shield and her horn lit up as well. Stormclouds appeared out of nowhere.

“If only. A deal was made with my kind long ago. I follow the tenets of that deal.” Twilight seemed to be holding on the defensive, not making any more moves past the shield conjuring. The stormclouds covered the sky above the arena.

“So you guys work as familiars? What do you get out of it?” Twilight finally seemed to be tired of waiting. Her horn lit up again and a beam of purple light shot out at Trixie.

“We get what we can take.” Lightning struck Twilight’s shield before the beam could hit Trixie, surprising both me and Twilight. The beam of light she was casting dispelled in her shock before it could hit Trixie. The alphyn didn’t react and Trixie began to laugh as more bolts rained down.

“W-what you can take?” I said, trying not to let my shock show. “What does that mean?” Twilight seemed to recover from the initial surprise and shrunk her shield so it covered less area. Then she teleported, leaving the shield in place.

“The deal is that if the spellcaster makes a mistake, we take advantage of it.” Trixie began looking frantically around the arena for Twilight before her horn stopped glowing, allowing the lightning to cease. She began to slowly walk towards the shield, casting her eyes around.

“What can you do with that advantage? Steal things? Hurt others?” Trixie was slowly approaching the shield, starting to look angry. She yelled something that I couldn’t hear over the rumblings in the sky.

“Whatever we can. There are many choices when it comes to mistakes a caster can make.” Trixie finally made it to the shield and lightly kicked it with one of her legs. As soon as she touched it, her eyes went wide and she was pulled inside of it.

“Do you guys kill, or just torment? Seems like a bad idea to do something too bad, if you want people to keep summoning you.” Twilight reappeared just outside of the bubble, smiling in at Trixie. Trixie’s horn lit up and the purple shield changed to blue. Twilight frowned.

“We do not kill. We take.” The newly blue bubble exploded outward, cracking the walls behind it and throwing Twilight halfway across the courtyard before something pulled her out of the air. Trixie’s horn was still in its nightlight form and the rope that snatched Twilight had the same aura around it. Interesting.

“Hm. Take? Like, spellbooks or something?” The rope that grabbed Twilight split in two, wrapping around her front and back legs. She recovered while it was tying her.

“No. We take casters. If possible, of course. If not them, whatever we can.” Twilight’s horn lit up and the ropes dissolved away from her, but something new entered the fray.

“Why? What do you do with them?” What looked like a doorframe flew across the courtyard, surrounded by Trixie’s aura. Twilight saw it coming and her horn lit up as well.

“Enslave them. Magic is useful.” The frame stopped right in front of Twilight, half held in a blue aura and half held in a purple aura. I was too busy watching it to see what Trixie was doing.

“How do you keep them enslaved? Can’t they just escape? Or do damage?” A blue hoof suddenly shot out of the door, slapping Twilight across the face. When I looked back over to Trixie, she had one of her legs shoved through her hat, flailing it around.

“When we pull them with us, they are bound as we were to follow every command given. We do not make the same mistakes they do.” When Twilight realized what happened, she leaned back and her horn lit even brighter, wrapping around Trixie’s hoof. The blue mare had a moment to look surprised before she was ripped through her hat and out of the door.

“So they have to do whatever you tell them?” Twilight grinned and tried to return the slap to Trixie’s face, but Trixie grabbed Twilight’s hoof and used that to pull her in for a very painful looking headbutt.

“Yes.” You ever see two unicorns butt heads? I couldn’t believe it happened without anyone getting gored. Twilight went down hard and Trixie fell back, heavily dazed.

“And you want to do that to Trixie?” It took her a good moment to recover, but Trixie finally shook herself and smiled victoriously, Twilight still not moving.

“More than anything,” he growled.

“Looks like round one is over,” I said. He didn’t reply.

Trixie’s horn lit up and wrapped around Twilight and she began to drag her over our way. “See that, ape? Trixie beat your precious unicorn!” With that, she unceremoniously tossed Twilight my way, thankfully not doing any damage to her.

“What, you want a fucking medal?” I answered as I knelt down, checking on her. Breathing fine. In pain and out of it, but she’ll be fine.

“It’s your turn to face Trixie!” she said.

“I hope you have some patience then, because I ain’t going nowhere without making sure Twilight’s okay.”

“Psh. She’s breathing. That means she’ll be fine.”

I carefully rolled Twilight onto her back, lightly tapping against her face. “You in there?” I quietly said, looking down at her.

It took her a few seconds to open a set of confused eyes. “What… hap—Ooh, my head…” One of her hooves lifted up to feel the area where Trixie slapped her shit.

“Trixie beat you!” the blueberry bitch happily called, making Twilight wince from the noise.

I reached down to Twilight’s belly and began gently rubbing it, since I know most ponies like it when I do that for some reason. “Relax, Twilight. She’s just a lot more hard-headed than you. Of course her headbutt did more damage.”

“Twilight just isn’t as good as Trixie,” the mare haughtily said.

“If you don’t stop being a bitch, I will reach across this unicorn and slap a ho,” I said.

“Trixie is no dog, ape! Trixie will have you know—” Before she could react, I leaned over Twilight and pimp slapped Trixie across the face. She was too shocked to even react.

“You said it was our turn next, right?” I asked, standing up and rolling my shoulders. “Let’s fucking go.”

“Trixie will make you pay for that!”

“Make my day,” I replied, walking past her.

“Having the chance to lose to Trixie should make your whole life, ape!” she replied strutting off to her side of the arena.

As I faced her down from the other side, I realized I had no idea how I was going to fight someone with fucking magic. Maybe shoulda thought about that before I pissed her off. Heh, oops.

While I was waiting for her to give the signal to start, I went ahead and loaded up the crossbow, not that I honestly expected it to do me much good, especially since Twilight didn’t seem to realize the difference between broadhead bolts and practice bolts. Though to be fair, I didn’t really want to kill Trixie. But I wouldn’t complain if I put an extra breathing hole in her. After all, ‘if she’s still breathing, she’ll be okay’.

Fucking bitch.

“Trixie trusts that you are ready?” she called across the field.

“Bring it!” I called back.

“Trixie shall go easy on you. It isn’t your fault you were born to be so inferior, after all.” I ignored that and did a quick scan of the arena ground. Aside from the open door frame and a few bounds of rope lying around in various places, it was empty of any manner of advantages.

The frame gave me a few interesting ideas. If it was still connected to Trixie’s hat, all I had to do was get to it and I had a straight gate to her head. And then… I smiled, thinking of my lighter and some alcohol.

She seemed content to watch me slowly amble forward, since I wasn’t really making any sudden movements or giving any indication that I was thinking about heading toward the door. Her horn didn’t bother lighting up, since she thought I would be an easy target.

It didn’t take her long to get bored, though. Finally, Trixie’s magic snatched one of the loops of rope and it started shooting toward me. I quickly slung the crossbow and pulled out my knife, suddenly thankful of all the time I spent dealing with rope on a farm. She tried wrapping it around my off arm, but I was able to pull back enough to use the serrations to tear through the relatively flimsy rope.

With it shortened, she tried going after the arm that had the knife, thinking it an easier target. She was wrong. I grabbed it with my offhand and reversed my grip on the knife, cutting through the rope even as she tried to wrap the remnants around both of my arms to cinch them in place.

The rope was now about half its original size, too short to be of use. She just tried to entangle it around my legs, but I stomped it flat and marched on, leaving it in the dust of the eroded courtyard.

“So you’re smarter than Trixie thought!” she said with a small grin. “Maybe this actually will be interesting.”

And maybe your daddy didn’t molest you, but I’m starting to think he should have. I began to change my angle as I went, subtly heading toward the door. The crossbow was still sheathed and my knife was out, ready for more rope. She didn’t disappoint in that department, sending three of them at me at once. Thank God I’m not a Japanese schoolgirl!

When I saw them coming for me, I began running. “Ooh, Trixie loves it when they run! But Trixie will drag you back and make you forget all about your precious Twilight Sparkle!”

Oh God, what?! That thought was punctuated by one of the ropes latching around one of my legs. I dragged it with me for a few steps before it jerked back, knocking me down to the dirt. When I hit, I instantly dropped the knife, sending it skittering away from me. And it sounded and felt like the crossbow shot itself.

When a few seconds passed and I didn’t get trussed up for her sick BDSM fantasies, I hesitantly looked up. Trixie’s mouth was gaping and one of her hooves was pressing against her ear. When she brought it back down, I saw that there was some blood and a hole in her ear, presumably from the crossbow bolt.

As she screamed in rage, I jumped back to my feet, wincing at the pain in my skinned hands and legs. The rumblings in the clouds started up again and I knew I had a very short amount of time before lightning started falling to vaporize me. Thankfully, I landed very close to the door.

Here’s hoping this pays off. I quickly dug through my pockets, pulling out the bottle of booze and my lighter. Since both hands were full, I just bit the cork and ripped it out, spitting it to the side. That done, I shook the bottle toward the open door, hoping my gamble paid off.

When I heard Trixie’s squawk of surprise and didn’t see any fall on the ground, I knew I had this in the bag. I turned to her with a grin, flipping open my trusty zippo. “You know, I did think your voice was hot.” That said, I cranked the wheel, lighting it up. “Let’s make the same true for the rest of you.” And then I thrust the lighter through the portal.

Nothing happened for a moment and Trixie just stared at me in confusion. Then smoke began coming out from under her hat. It didn’t take her long at that point to realize she was on fucking fire. Then the screaming began. She started flailing around, beating at her hat and trying to get the flames to stop.

I calmly walked up to her as she was doing that. Since she was a little distracted, she didn’t pay me any mind. When I got right in front of her, I punched that bitch straight in the nose, dropping her like my ISP used to do to me all the time. With her out for the count, I simply pulled off her hat and kicked dirt onto her hair until it was out.

Trixie now had a new bald spot on her head where the fur and hair had both been burned off. There was no real permanent damage since most of the fire was from the alcohol and the hat that was now destroyed, but she wasn’t going to be winning any beauty contests for a while. Then I just left her there and walked over to where the knife fell, picking it up and closing it.

Twilight was sitting up and had apparently been watching the affair, so I walked to her next. The alphyn was sitting next to her, saying nothing. “So now what?” I asked.

“Well, the competition isn’t really over,” Twilight said. “Right now it’s a tie and everypony still hasn’t fought.”

“So? Trixie’s out cold,” I said. “I say we loot whatever prize it was she would give you and just leave.”

“That’s stealing!”

“And it’s hidden well,” the alphyn added. “I am unable to tell you where.”

“Wait, you’re still here?” Twilight asked. “Shouldn’t you be helping her?”

“Why? I was given no order.”

“...Oh right, familiar,” Twilight sighed, lying back. “Celestia, my head is killing me!”

“Now you know how the rest of us feel whenever we look at it,” I said, sitting next to her and putting my hand on her belly again.

“That was… really mean,” she sighed as I began rubbing again.

“Mating ritual?” the alphyn asked, sounding bored.

Twilight immediately turned bright red and tried to push my hand away, but she was still fairly weak from getting wrecked. “Nah,” I answered. “Just a way to help her relax.” Try as she might, I didn’t stop. After a few seconds of struggling, she just sighed, falling back.

“We really should be helping Trixie, you know,” Twilight said after a minute or so of silence.

“Why? She smells like burnt hair. No way do I want to go over there.”

“You’re the one that lit her on fire!”

“Well, maybe she shouldn’t have been such a bitch.”

“You keep saying that word,” the alphyn said. “What does it mean to you?”

“It’s a pretty big insult where I come from,” I replied with a shrug. “Not the worst, but effective. If you’d prefer, I can use other words.”

“Insults matter little to me.”

“Besides,” I added, “I only punched Trixie in the face. She should be up again soonish. I’m not exactly the model of strength, especially compared to you damn ponies.” Sure, I had stamina and height over them, but they had strength and weight. Fucking mini-horses, man.

After a few more seconds, Twilight sighed again before sitting up. “As reprehensible as Trixie is, I still can’t let her just lie over there until she wakes up.” After struggling to stand for a few seconds, she shrugged. “But I also don’t have to get up to get her.” With that, her horn lit up and lifted Trixie up.

“You know,” I said, “she dragged you over here.” Trixie stopped moving. “And then tossed you at me.” Trixie hit the ground with a nice thud and the purple aura around her surrounded her tail. Then she started to drag across the ground. “Hey, do you see any patches of glass?” Twilight didn’t respond.

Soon enough, Trixie was lying in front of us instead of well away from us. “How long should we wait before healing her?” Twilight asked.

“...If you can heal, why don’t you just heal yourself?” I asked.

“Because your belly rubs feel really, really good,” she answered, blushing slightly and smiling.

“You know you could ask for one at any time, right?” I said, pulling my hand back. “I know all you ponies are tummy sluts.”

Twilight snorted at that and looked over to Trixie. “Would you ever give her one?”

“Whoa now. I said you guys are sluts, not me. My hands are pure.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be healing yourself and then her?”

“I suppose…” Her horn lit up and encased her body in an aura before receding back. “Much better.” She was finally able to hop up, though she wobbled on her hooves for a moment, as if dizzy. “She really does have a hard head,” she sighed, walking over to Trixie’s limp form. “But now it’s a hard head with a little less of a mane…” she added with a giggle.

“Oh man, do you have a mirror?” I asked. “We could do one of those really funny reveals where we all try not to say anything before pointing to the mirror. Then she looks and screams.”

“If only… Sadly, there wasn’t exactly space to bring a mirror in our cloaks.” Twilight’s horn lit up again and she touched it to Trixie’s forehead. The aura slowly traversed her body before sucking back into Twilight.

The blue whore on the ground shifted. “Ooh, my head,” she groaned, falling out of third person. “What happened?” she asked, slowly standing up.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of You’re Bald!” I happily called, lifting both arms widely as if to congratulate her.

Her mouth dropped as Twilight tried to fight back the giggles. Eventually she said, “Trixie is WHAT?! Phinny, is Trixie bald?!”

“Partially.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PARTIALLY?!”

“You have a large bald spot now.”

Trixie collapsed right back to the ground, feeling all around her head with her hooves until she found the very noticeable spot missing a lot of hair. “Trixie’s… Trixie’s MANE!” Her sorrow lasted for all of a few seconds before it turned to rage. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, APE!” she yelled, surging back to her feet. “I’LL END YOU!” She pounced at me, but Twilight’s magic stopped her.

“Now now, Trixie, you already had your turn against Nav,” she cheerfully said. “And you lost… fire and square!”

At that point, Trixie couldn’t tell who she should be glaring at. I knew, though. “Twilight, that was almost as bad as her tricks pun earlier. Everyone here is a little bit more humorless for having heard it and you should be ashamed.”

“Worth it,” she replied with a shrug and a smirk.

“Trixie despises you all,” she hissed at us. “Phinny, it is your turn to fight Navarone. Teach him a lesson!”

I took one look at the alphyn that quickly stood to his feet. “Hm. Hey, can you do anything weird other than look cool?”

“I am one of our kind that can breathe fire,” he immediately replied, sending a lick of flame to the ground to prove it.

“You know what, nah,” I said, shaking my head. “You win. I ain’t fighting that shit. I don’t want to be like little miss crispy over here.”

“TRIXIE WILL KILL YOU!” she screamed, struggling to get at me again through Twilight’s continued hold.

“You sure, Nav?” Twilight asked. “I mean, you beat Trixie. Alphyns are strong, but not invincible.”

“Twilight, I am wearing clothing. Clothing is fucking flammable. I don’t want to get lit on fire. I’m here as a favor for you. I’m not getting anything out of this. Because of that, I’m not going to get lit on fire for it. Now that you’re done underestimating our pretty little blueberry here, we can wrap this up quickly by you clonking their heads together and calling it a day. So yeah, I’m not fighting him. He wins.”

Twilight shrugged and said, “Fair enough.”

“WHAT?!” Trixie yelled. “Burn him anyway!”

Twilight teleported Trixie between me and the alphyn, facing her. “That goes against our agreement. And since Navarone is an endangered species, hurting him is a very serious crime. If you’ll recall, I’m the princess’s personal student. All I have to do is send her a quick letter and she’ll be here in a flash. So I suggest you remember that before you start telling your illegal familiar to start throwing around fire.”

“Illegal?” the alphyn asked, tilting his head.

“What do you mean, endangered?” I demanded.

“...P-Princess?” Trixie gasped.

“Oh yeah,” Twilight said to the alphyn. “Regular alphyns are discouraged from being summoned, as anypony that’s ever studied magic knows. But greater alphyns that can breathe fire have been illegal for some time now. They’re way too cunning and dangerous to be risked.”

“This is news,” he replied, sitting on his haunches “Bad news. But it explains much.”

“And yes, Trixie,” Twilight said with a hint of smugness, turning to her. “I am Princess Celestia’s personal student. I assumed you would have known.”

“N-nopony ever said! How was I supposed to know?!”

Twilight shrugged before finally turning to me. “Yes, Navarone. As the only one of your kind, you are endangered. Well, technically extinct since you can’t reproduce, but the point remains. Just a technicality, of course. Though since you’re an invasive species, I think the laws would probably be waived in many cases to count as simple assault rather than attacking an endangered species.”

“Huh. Wonder if I can twist Luna’s arm into getting that invasive species thing taken off.”

“Like a princess would listen to you,” Trixie haughtily mocked, trying to regain her color after learning just who she challenged.

“Luna probably would,” Twilight replied. “Nav’s one of her best friends, after all.” And that got Trixie’s mouth to drop yet again. “But the competition isn’t over, I suppose. The alphyn and I still have to fight.”

“And he’ll win, too!” Trixie asserted vehemently, finding her voice again.

The alphyn just snorted as it started walking to its place in the arena. “Now you two play nice,” Twilight said, setting Trixie down. “The princesses would be quite upset if something were to happen to Nav, Trixie. And I would be upset if something happened to Trixie, Nav.”

“Trixie will tolerate this ape. For now. But she won’t like it!”

“I’ll think about it,” I answered with a shrug. “You have fun, now!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she said, walking to her spot. “This won’t take long.”

Trixie smirked as Twilight walked off. “Overconfident whorse!” she muttered darkly.

“You know, you really should try being more pleasant.”

“Trixie doesn’t need your advice, ape!” Twilight was still slowly making her way to the spot.

“I bet a hug would make you feel better. Or maybe a nice belly rub?”

“If you touch Trixie, she will remove your filthy paws.”

“Ooh, into the kinky stuff. Maybe you’d like a spanking instead?”

“Trixie will hurt you if you do not stop TALKING!”

“Mm, I bet you’d love being a bottom, too. Shame you’re too ugly with all that hair gone.” When I said that, her teeth started grinding so hard I thought they might break. Twilight finally got across from the alphyn.

“At least this will be over soon,” she forced out through clenched teeth. “Then Trixie will claim you as a prize and teach you proper manners!”

“Like hell you will. There’d be a knife through your spine as soon as you turned your back on me. Or maybe I’d just hold it against your throat and toy with you for a little while, teach you who the real master is.”

She snorted derisively as the alphyn began charging Twilight, who didn’t move. “Trixie underestimated you once. She will not do so again. And she will teach you a lesson, ape!”

“Not like that’ll happen anyway. You’re just pissy because Twilight’s so much better than you are.” The alphyn was getting close. Twilight was just grinning as her horn lit up. “Better and prettier.” Not that I could really tell. They all looked like horses. “Especially since you’re half bald, now. I bet you’ll have to practically beg stallions to service you, though I can’t imagine any would have anyway, with your shitty attitude.”

“THAT’S IT!” She launched herself off the ground toward me, forgetting she could even do magic. I casually stepped aside, slapping her flank as she surged past me. I could faintly see Twilight casting some spell at the alphyn in the background, making him disappear. As soon as he vanished, Trixie collapsed and Twilight began walking back toward us.

“How did she get over there?” Twilight asked, looking at Trixie, who was struggling to stand.

“Eh, she tried pouncing at me. Then you cast the spell and she collapsed.”

“Oh. I just dispelled her familiar. Since a unicorn has to create a form of magical bond when they summon one, it drains the unicorn when the familiar is dispelled or killed.”

“It took… Trixie MONTHS… to summon it!” she groaned, forcing herself up.

“And one spell to dispel it,” I said with a smile. “I guess that makes Twilight your better at yet another thing.”

“Nav, please…” Twilight said, putting a hoof on my arm. I just shrugged as she walked closer to Trixie. “This competition is over, Trixie. It was a tie. You get nothing, I get nothing. Are you happy now?”

“Not until Trixie beats you!” she growled, her eyes narrowing in anger.

“Your familiar is gone,” Twilight said. “And you can’t summon it again for at least a full day. Nav and I aren’t sticking around that long. In fact, we’ll probably be leaving in just a few minutes. If you want to come with us, I’m sure I can find a spell to get your hair back.”

“Trixie doesn’t need your charity! And this competition is not over! Trixie has a tiebreaker planned!”

Twilight sighed, her shoulders and head drooping slightly. “Trixie, please. There’s no need for this. There’s not even anypony here to see it!”

“Trixie will not lose! Not again!”

“You didn’t even lose the first time! I was just saving the town!”

“Prepare yourself, Twilight! Trixie has been practicing this spell for ages!”

Twilight sighed, backing up to me and bringing up a shield. “Go for it,” she replied, bored. Quieter, she muttered, “Not like it’ll matter.”

“Mock Trixie all you want, Sparkle! But Trixie did something you could never do! She made her own spell!”

“You what?! Are you MAD?!” Twilight was either horrified or shocked, I don’t know.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked as Trixie cackled and began charging her horn.

“Experimenting with new magic is dangerous!” Twilight answered, pulling me back. “There’s no telling what it could do! And if somepony like Trixie did it, it might not even be finished!”

“Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” I said, waving a hand.

I would soon come to regret saying that.

“Spell my name in the skies,” Trixie called out, her voice becoming more of a rumble. “Hear my name in their cries!” I could practically feel the magic in the air, as a whistling wind began to pick up. “Surround my form with all the lights!” Arcane symbols began to appear in the air, tearing out of the immaterium to bring power to this new spell. “As I bring the crowd true delights!” Trixie’s horn was as bright as the sun, but I couldn’t look away. It was as though I was drawn to her… “Show them all I’m the best.” The rustling wind was now roaring. I began to hear whispers in it, dark things speaking a language that sounded familiar but was unrecognizable. “And nothing like all the rest!” And just like that, there was immediate silence, the wind stopping.

“Oh Celestia, she miscounted the syllables!” Twilight screamed.

The last thing I saw was the look of absolute horror on Trixie’s face as she realized what she had done. Then there was an explosion of light and sound and I went down hard.

A note from your friend Discord…

Imagine my surprise when I saw such an explosion of raw chaos caused by such intense ambition. Let me tell you, I was quite surprised. It has been so long since any of the ponies had failed so spectacularly in making their own spell. Though to be fair, it had been quite a while since any of them even tried making spells.

But when I saw how badly this Trixie messed up, and took the time to study just why she did, I decided an… intervention of sorts was in order.

So I showed my true form in the arena, stopping time at the precise moment of the explosion, before it could do too much more to Trixie aside from almost completely obliterating her horn. Since there weren’t many safe havens for me left in the overworld, I took her to a special place that was set up under the Everfree forest, a fastness of chaotic power that Celestia never found.

“Hm… To do this the easy way or the fun way,” I mused aloud, setting the still-frozen Trixie on the floor of the ever-changing cavern. “Well, the deal says no trickery, so I suppose I’ll have to do it the easy way. No disguises this time…” Though scaring her with an alphyn would be fun…

But no matter. I stepped out of the light for a moment, disappearing from view, and snapped my fingers to wake Trixie up. She jerked free, flinching away from the expected pain that never came, though she had to feel that she didn’t have a horn anymore. “W-where is Trixie?” she fearfully asked, looking around. “And… WHY CAN’T TRIXIE DO MAGIC?!” One of her hooves lifted to her head, feeling around for a horn that was no longer there. “Oh Celestia…” she whispered, her eyes going wide.

“I’m afraid you made quite a large mistake, my dear,” I said, not stepping out of the darkness.

“Who’s there?” she demanded. “Trixie orders you to show yourself!”

“Oh, and I would obey, but I fear I would give you quite a fright. Needless to say, it was I who saved you, though I fear that I did so a second too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your horn, your magic… They have both left you, Trixie.” She flinched back, closing her eyes. “But I can change that.”

Her eyes both jerked open in wonder. “You can?” she asked, overjoyed. Remembering herself and her haughty attitude, she added, “Do it!”

“Now why should I go and do that? What would I get out of it, after all? And of course, what’s to stop you from making the same mistake again?”

“If you will not help Trixie, she’ll find somepony who will!”

Oh, ‘somepony’. How I despise Celestia for doing that. “Who’s to say I won’t help you? You just have to make it worth my while. And of course, you needn’t worry that I won’t do the same for you. With my offer comes as well the offer of training, to show you how to truly overpower Twilight Sparkle and show her who the master of true magic is.”

“...Trixie is no student!”

“Yes, and Trixie is also a loser, who lost to Twilight twice in a row. What does she have that you do not?”

“Trixie doesn’t need to hear this!”

“Oh, but you do. Twilight has a teacher, Trixie. A pony that knows more about magic than you ever will… without help. And once again, I can be that help you need. For a price.”

She grit her teeth and turned away.

“Or I could return you to your existence of suffering, missing a horn and certain to be arrested for performing illegal magic. Oh, you would have some minute satisfaction from watching Twilight and her human suffering from the effects of your miscast spell, but they will be fixed and you would suffer all the worse for it. Instead, I offer you my assistance. Choose.”

“...Trixie is listening,” she answered without turning around.

In my dark corner, I smiled. “First, introductions are in order,” I said, stepping from the shadows. She turned to face me and gasped in horror at my chimeric form. “I am Discord, Lord of Chaos,” I said with an overly theatrical bow.

“What… what are you?” she whispered, stepping back.

“I am a monster, a villain, and the one that will teach you how to defeat Twilight Sparkle. But first, your horn…” She flinched back as I lifted my talons, but was too afraid to say a word as I brought them to her head.

With but a thought, I restored her pointless horn, though I added a small bit of flair to it. Instead of her normal spiralled horn, chunks of the original hung above her head, as though trapped in a lava lamp shaped like a horn.

“What… what did you do to Trixie’s horn?” she asked, going crosseyed to look at it.

“Just giving you my mark,” I replied with a smile. “It won’t be the only change, though the others will be more gradual. And now we begin your true training, Trixie Lulamoon.”

“...Trixie is ready, Discord,” she slowly answered, not quite sure what to think.

My smile deepened, since I knew that I had won. Oh my, what fun we will have together, you and I. What fun indeed…

Chapter Six—Horsing Around

Chapter Six—Horsing Around

I don’t know how long I was out, but I’m pretty sure I was the first one awake.

And I woke up very, very pissed. Why, when Twilight and I were alive and victorious?

I WAS A FUCKING PONY! Oh, I am going to beat somebody to death for this. Or rather, I thought nastily, trample them to death.

I don’t know what the hell Trixie’s spell was supposed to do, but it completely screwed everything up. Twilight, I saw—or at least, what I thought was Twilight—was now a human. A very cute, nerdy, naked human. Somewhat disturbingly, she still had a horn. Her hair was the same color as her mane, which I thought was a nice touch.

All of my clothes were completely destroyed, including my now worthless shoes. My cloak was fine, at least. And somehow I had fucking wings. So I wasn’t turned into a pony, I guess, but rather a pegasus. And I swore that as soon as I got back to civilization and Twilight could get a letter to Celestia or Luna, that would change.

Of Trixie, there was no sign. She was just completely gone. There were a few shards of something on the ground, but that was it.

And when I cast my eyes around again, I noticed something very strange: some of the stone in the castle was on fire. It didn’t seem to be spreading to the ground we were on, so I didn’t think it would be too problematic for us.

I shakily stood on my new legs and tried walking around. It wasn’t that hard, but it was a bit annoying, as I had to concentrate to not try to stand on just two. I also kept misjudging distances, since my eyes were in very different places. Once I got the hang of simple movement, I tried prodding Twilight with one of my hooves. I looked over to where Trixie had been, but decided not to go looking for her without Twilight’s help.

I was about to prod Twilight again, but she suddenly stirred so I stayed my… hoof. When she tried to rub her head, she quickly opened her eyes, shouting in surprise. She leaned up and I swear to God, I tried not to look, but damn were those some nice titties! I remembered that she wasn’t wearing any clothing when she was transformed, aside from the cloak that was now too small for her. When I was able to drag my eyes away from a pleasant sight I hadn’t seen in a good long while, I saw her eyes were purple.

She looked over at me and hesitantly asked, “Navarone?”

“Guilty as charged, sadly,” I answered, slumping my shoulders.

“What… what happened?” I could only shrug to that, because I had no fucking clue. “I… don’t know what Trixie was trying to cast, but it definitely didn’t work. What happened to her?”

“I don’t know. All that’s left is a few shards of… whatever that stuff is.”

“After failing a spell like that, there’s no telling where she could have gone… If she even exists anymore.”

“Think we should look around?” I asked. “I mean, the fucking stone itself is on fire. I’m not sure staying around would be wise.”

“...What?” I nodded toward the wall near us. Twilight slowly turned that way and gasped. “Sweet Celestia! That’s… actually not that implausible. Huh. It’s probably not safe to go inside right now, though. Especially without my magic…”

“You have a horn. You can’t cast anything?”

She shook her head, though she used one of her new hands to feel the pointy thing on her head. “After such a large magical disaster, it’s dangerous to cast any spells around here. It will be for some time, too.”

“So what, we’re stuck like this? How far do we need to go before you can turn us back?”

“I… can’t. I have no idea how to fix this!” At the look on my face, she hastily added, “But Princess Celestia will for sure! If not her, I’m sure Princess Luna will.”

“God, I fucking hope so! I could not live in this shitty body.” My mind was still reeling at my sudden transformation. I felt stronger, for one, and I really felt like I could run a hell of a lot faster. I was a sleek white pegasus with a dark brown mane, fitting my looks as a human, I suppose.

“It’s not that bad! And if it makes you feel any better, you’re definitely quite handsome.”

“It doesn’t. But to return the favor, either you’re really cute or I’ve just been away from other humans for too long.”

“...Thanks, I think.”

“So, what the hell do we do?” I asked, my eyes once more going to her nice and perky nipples.

“Get back to Ponyville and write Princess Celestia a letter, and hope she can fix this. I still have my horn, so I can probably do magic, but I have no idea where to even look to find a spell to fix… this!” She waved her arm over us, encompassing us both. Then she suddenly shivered, realizing how nippy it was out. “Oooh, this is so cold! No wonder you always wear clothes!” With that, she sadly covered herself with my old cloak.

Since we decided to leave, I offered her a hoof to help her stand. She looked at it and grabbed it, pulling herself up to stand on two legs. She was very wobbly and had to hold a hand on my back to steady herself as we walked to my ruined clothes. “Can you go through my pockets and grab everything?” I asked. “I would, but…” I sighed, looking at my hooves. Dammit, those were my only pair of jeans…

She did so, frowning at some of what she pulled out. “Why are you still carrying these gloves?” she asked.

“I worked on a farm for a while. You never know when you might need gloves.” I kept a commentary going as she pulled out more stuff. “That’s a lighter. You saw me use it earlier on Trixie. That’s my knife, used to cut a number of things in its long life. That’s a flask of spirits from Applejack. Be careful with that; we might need it again.”

When I explained that one to her, she looked at me oddly. “Spirits? This is the same stuff you gave Rainbow Dash?” At my nod, she eagerly opened the bottle and, before I could stop her, drained half the remaining stuff before recoiling so badly I thought she was going to drop the bottle. “How on Equestria can you drink that stuff! It’s absolutely disgusting!”

“Because,” I said through a grimace, “by the time you drink as much as you just did, you usually don’t care about taste anymore. Close that thing up and don’t waste any more! God, what came over you?”

“Rainbow Dash told me about the experiment, in exchange for enchanting something for her a while back.” I snorted at that, thinking of the slab Dash used on me in her house. “I always wondered, after that, what some of this stuff would be like. If it’s anything like that, I don’t know how you got Rainbow Dash to drink it!”

“Well, we used better distillation methods when we made it the first time. It tasted a lot better.”

“If you say so. Is there anything else you want from this pile?”

“Grab your old cloak. If we’re going back to town, we’re probably going to want to hide my blank flank.” She nodded, throwing the cloak from the ground onto my back.

“Anything else?” she finally asked.

“Is my belt any good? I’m not about to leave one of my final remaining ties to humanity behind.”

Turns out that somehow it was. I don’t know how it didn’t break like everything else, but Twilight looped it around her cloaked form and cinched it tight.

She gingerly picked up the crossbow and the quiver of remaining bolts. She looked at them oddly before hanging them both over my neck. “I don’t think I could use something like that if I wanted to,” she whispered, then looked at the what was left of Trixie. She shuddered, but a thoughtful look came to her face. She pulled me over toward where the fragments are to look them over. “Hm… alicorn?” she mused aloud, bending down to grab it. “I’ve never been able to do studies on that!” That said and her excitement made clear, she bent down and grabbed the fragments before dropping them into a pocket on the cloak.

“So now what?” I asked as she straightened.

“I would like to search the rest of the castle to see what Trixie left behind, but…” We both looked over to the main entrance to see that the fire was spreading. “...That would be a bad idea. We really should get out of here before it’s too late.”

“Agreed,” I said with a nod, turning to the castle gates.

That presented us with a new problem: the portcullises were still down, lowered by Trixie and never pulled back up. Thankfully, that was fairly easily remedied; the gear to raise them both was right next to the large gatehouse. Since it was made for ponies, I was easily able to turn it until both were fully raised.

As we left, another problem popped up: Twilight had no shoes. She suffered in silence for a minute before she stepped on a thorn in the grass. After that, she was riding on my back. She folded the cloak that I didn’t really need into some manner of blanket or something to cushion some of the pain of riding, but I knew she would still be feeling plenty on the long walk back.

“You know,” I said while plodding along, “this is going to be very awkward to explain to your friends. They’re going to be laughing for quite a while when they see us.”

“At me, maybe. They’ll probably be too busy blushing at you to laugh.”

“Don’t even start. God, I can’t wait to turn back.”

“Who knows? Maybe you’ll find you like being a pegasus,” she said, patting my back.

“I don’t have thumbs! And I don’t have any magic to use instead!”

“Thousands have gotten by before you without them. I don’t see why you should be any different.”

“Because I would know what I was missing. And what about you? Maybe you’ll decide you like being a human.”

“Is that a hint of a blush I see?” she coyly replied, bending over to get a peek at my cheeks.

“N-no!” I stammered. “This fur, it’s just hot! I don’t see how you ponies stand it.”

“Riiight. And if I do… this?” I looked back and saw that she let the cloak drop a little. I turned beet red and stumbled, causing her to almost lose her balance. She just laughed.

“You’re drunk!” I accused. “And let’s see how you’d react to being in your prime as the only member of your species, when you suddenly found someone of the opposite sex there!”

“I’d like to think that I would handle it better than you are.”

“Yeah, but he sure as hell wouldn’t!” She laughed at that, too. I was tempted to ‘accidentally’ drop her, but knew that would only make it worse.

A few hours later, she said, “We could just sneak in under cover of darkness and get Spike to send a letter to Celestia. He wouldn’t tell anypony if we asked him not to.”

“Nay,” I said, and heard it come out very elongated, causing me to blush again. “No,” I tried again. “We don’t want to risk her taking too long to respond and having your friends rush off to your rescue. They’d be pretty upset if they ran that far just to find some smoldering ruins.”

“Yeah…”

We made camp about halfway there. My back was unused to carrying the burden of a person and her body was unused to riding, so it was a mutual agreement. She had considerably fewer reservations than I did about cuddling to keep warm. I did my best to pretend to not notice it, with decidedly mixed results.

A few hours into the next day, she started testing her fingers out. “Twilight… What are you doing?” I asked as I felt her fingers in my… my mane.

“I just noticed how much I can feel with these things!” she merrily said, gently scratching the back of my head.

“Yeah, fingers have a lot of nerve receptors. Do your best not to hurt them, because any cuts there really hurt.” Her fingers moved up to my ears and started scratching those. I lowered my head to try to get away from her questing fingers. “Stop it!”

She pulled her hands back. “Does that hurt?” she asked.

“No, it feels good,” I said, bringing my head back up. Her hands went right back to my ears, scratching them gently. “Quit it!”

“Why, if it feels good?” she asked.

“Because… I don’t like it,” I finally managed to say.

“You don’t like things that feel good?” she asked, not stopping.

“It’s demeaning!”

“You do it to us all the time. And it’s just me and you here, Nav. No pony’s judging you.”

“If I knew how to use this body I would buck you off right now.” I settled for lowering my head as far as I could. Even my ears flattened against me somehow.

She leaned over and continued. “You’re just giving me more surface area to work with, Nav,” she giggled.

“I don’t like being touched, dammit!” I finally yelled. “And if you don’t knock it off you can walk the rest of the way back!”

She finally relented, pulling her hands back. “You don’t like being touched?” she asked. “Why not?”

“How do you explain a phobia? Or something that just doesn’t feel right? It’s impossible. All that matters is that I don’t like it.”

“But… I’m sitting on you right now. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really. It’s like wearing a backpack. It’s just different.”

“Why haven’t you mentioned it before? I know some of us have touched you in the past. Pinkie definitely likes her hugs.”

“They were fleeting touches, nothing lasting. And none of you have ever had fingers until now, so they felt less like touches. Usually it’s just something I deal with or get the other person to stop on my own. You’re the only person I’ve ever told, and the only reason I told you is because there’s not much I can really do to stop you.” I sighed. “And now Pinkie is going to be touching me every time she sees me. Fuck.”

“The only way they’ll know is if I tell them. And why would I do that?”

“I don’t know why you would. I just know that you probably will. At least when I’m a human again I can stop her.”

“After so long, you still trust me so little?” she asked, sounding hurt. “I can keep a secret, Nav!”

“Yeah. You can. But will you? I suppose time will tell.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes. Finally she spoke up, “You know, the best way to get rid of a phobia is to confront it.” She gently put her hands on the sides of my neck.

“I don’t want to get rid of it! Take your hands off of me.”

“Oh come on. I’ll be gentle, I promise!”

“How about this: You take your hands off me and you can continue riding on me.”

“I just want to help you! How’s that so bad?”

“Because it’s something I don’t like! Drop it. And your hands, while you’re at it.”

“Ugh! Why are you so difficult, Nav?” She let me go again, though.

We walked in silence for a bit longer. “I don’t think you would make me walk,” she finally said. “You know what it’s like walking barefoot far more than I do. And if you’ve already carried me this far, I think you sympathize enough to carry me the rest of the way. Especially if either way I can touch you.”

“You know I don’t like being touched. You know this, because I told you. And yet you still seem so adamant about touching me. What kind of friend does that?”

She was silent for a little while. “You’re… You feel nice,” she finally answered.

“Well, save it until we get to Ponyville. You can pet Pinkie all day; her fluffy hair is really soft.”

She decided to try a different tactic. “How do you ever plan on getting a special somepony if you are afraid of being touched?”

“Uh… I don’t?”

“What?” I think she was surprised at my answer.

“Twilight, I thought we had been over this. The thought of sex with a pony almost makes me sick. I might be able to fall in love with one, but taking it further would be difficult, and I think I would be hard-pressed to find a chick that doesn’t want any sex at all.”

“Oh, right! The whole bestiality thing. You know we’re not animals, right?”

“We’ve had this conversation before. My position hasn’t changed.” Though to be quite honest, I knew it very well might in the future. After so long… Well, there’s no telling what might happen to change my mind.

She sighed. We walked in silence for a bit longer. After a while she let out a frustrated groan. “I just got these fingers, Nav! Everything feels so wonderful! Can I please just stroke you?” I felt my body stiffen before I realized what she meant.

I growled lightly but stopped after a moment, sighing. “If you stop when I tell you to stop, okay.” I’m going to regret this.

She giggled with glee and began toying with my hair again. I dealt with it as well as I could. Then her hands moved down to the sides of my neck. And then under my neck. One of her hands went to scratch me under the chin while the other reached lower.

I don’t know what she was doing, but my mind felt clouded when her hand started scratching my chin. I didn’t notice where her other hand was until I felt her somehow rubbing my belly. I stiffened up immediately. “Enough!” I told her. She kept going. “Twilight, stop it!”

She flinched and pulled both hands back quickly. “What?”

“That’s enough,” I quickly answered. “If you start doing that again, keep it at my back and neck.”

“Don’t you want to know what belly rubs feel like? You know how much everypony likes them!”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not. You start touching me down there and I’ll tell everyone you’re molesting me.”

“What?!”

“Joking,” I replied with a smile. “But seriously, you start reaching down there and I’ll kick you.”

“Ugh. You’re so difficult!”

“Yeah. Isn’t it great? Don’t worry about it too much, though; it won’t matter at all once Celestia turns us back. Thank God, too; being a pony sucks.”

“But you haven’t even experienced any of it yet!”

“Nor do I really want to. I know you know how odd it feels for you, being a human when used to a pony body. I feel entirely wrong like this.”

“Well… Yeah. Your eyes are all beady and in the wrong places. But don’t you want to fly?”

“Hell no. Fuck heights. I’d really rather just turn back immediately."

She groaned again. “Are you really going to let your fears conquer you like this, Nav? I thought you were stronger than this!”

“Then I guess you thought wrong. No reason to conquer a fear since I won’t ever have to face it. Once I get turned back, flying will almost definitely be a nonissue.”

“Why do you have to be so… ugh!” Ugh? A fitting description at times, I suppose.

Most of the rest of the walk back was in silence, until we got to within view of Applejack’s ranch. We decided we might as well get it over with, and walked or rode down to meet her.

Applejack did not much know what to think of us when we found her. She looked at me and said, “Twilight?”

“Up here,” she answered from atop my back.

“…Navarone?” Applejack slowly asked, looking back at me.

“The same.”

I almost thought she was going to dispute it, before she said, “I really hope y’all put a hurtin’ on Trixie for doing that to you.”

“I don’t think she’ll be bothering us again,” I replied.

Applejack had no idea how to respond to that, so Twilight said, “We didn’t exactly know how we should go about approaching the town. There will be some… confusion, I believe.”

“I’ll say…” Applejack answered before going silent for a moment. “Why not just wait until dark, wrap that cloak around you, and saunter in like you own the place?”

“That was our plan, but we also didn’t want all of you to go rushing off to rescue us in case Celestia couldn’t change us back right away,” Twilight said. “Navarone here thought the first thing you would do upon seeing us would be to rush off to tell the rest of our friends so they could see us before we changed. I told him you were more loyal than that.”

“Now, in my defense,” I said, “that isn’t exactly how I put it.”

“Well now, y’all know Rainbow Dash is the loyal one...” Applejack said with a smirk. I felt Twilight slump before Applejack ran off, snickering.

“Dammit, I told you!” I said as she disappeared. Twilight and I both sighed. “Well, nothing for it now,” I said, beginning the walk into town.

We got some odd looks, I’ll admit. More, I soon realized, directed at me than at her. I flicked my new ears and picked up some of the horrified whispers: “A blank flank, at his age? What is the world coming to?” “Look at him! Never seen one quite like him before…” It’s not something I’m entirely proud of, but Twilight actually was correct when she said I would get more blushes than laughs.

Even Scootaloo, when we ran into her, seemed shocked to see me. She was more shocked at my lack of a cutie mark, though, and completely failed to notice Twilight on my back. She also completely failed to notice she was going very fast on a scooter and just barely managed to stop before crashing. “Mister, why don’t you have a cutie mark?” she asked. Twilight sniggered. I shifted, making Twilight flinch to adjust herself so she didn’t fall.

“Because I only just turned into a pony about a day ago,” I told her. From there, it didn’t take long to click.

“…Navarone?”

“Guilty.”

“Guilty of that and more,” Twilight quietly laughed aloud. I shifted again to shut her up.

“What happened?”

“A spell gone wrong,” is all I said. She took that information and sped off, probably to find her two little friends.

As we neared the tree house, I saw signs of hurried occupation and a few eyes peeking out windows. I let Twilight down off my back and she opened the door for the first time with actual hands.

Twilight’s fanfare was a lot louder than mine. As soon as she opened the door and walked in, she was hit by a number of unsuppressed snickers. She bore it with decent enough grace and beckoned me forward.

I could tell they wanted to laugh. But they… couldn’t. I mean, I’m not a handsome human, at least not as far as I know. I have no reason to think I’d be a handsome pegasus. I honestly found myself surprised at my reception, which was covered by at least three blushes and one quickly suppressed snicker when she realized she was laughing alone. Spike had no such reservations, and laughed aloud at my discomfort.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I asked.

With that, the spell was broken, and there was a tirade of questions. Most were directed at Twilight, but Pinkie Pie hopped over to me and said, “So, how about those dance lessons?”

“I was rather hoping to change back before too long, Pinkie.”

“You’re changing back?” she cried. “Why would you want to do that?” Her outburst got everyone’s attention.

“Because I don’t have thumbs, for one thing,” I weakly replied.

“Thumbs?” Applejack scoffed. “I’ve done just fine without them. We all have!”

“You also never had them to lose. Spike, how would you feel if you suddenly lost the use of your hands?”

They all turned to him. “Hey, I want no part of this. I’m just gonna go write a letter to Princess Celestia real quick.” So much for bros before hos…

“Humph. If you ask me,” Rarity haughtily said, “you just want to be different for the sake of being different!” Well, nobody asked you. “You look just fine the way you are!” Extra emphasis on fine.

“If you don’t believe me, ask Twilight,” I said. “She’s had to use her hands a few times since we changed.”

They all looked to her. “He does have a bit of a point. If I didn’t know I was going to have magic to go back to as a unicorn, I would be somewhat hesitant to change back.” They scoffed at her answer.

“Believe me or not,” I said. “It matters little to me. Celestia will soon be here, and will hopefully be able to change us both back.”

Spike came back in with a scroll, cutting everyone’s retort off as he read it aloud. As he went through it, I saw Twilight’s face grow slightly resigned, ponies grow somewhat smug, and I felt rather than saw my face droop. Celestia had no idea how to fix us, but she did know it was possible. But she was busy with something big that impacted the realm as a whole and was unable to help us for at least a week. Luna was on the case, looking for the spell.

Which meant I was stuck. As a pony. For who knows how long.

Well, shit.

“Twilight,” I found myself saying, “would you kindly remove this crossbow and the bolts from my neck? I think I’d like to go lie down.”

“I’ll take them off you, but you’re not going anywhere.” I sighed, noticing how much louder it sounded as a pony. “No, we’re going to stay here and deal with this.”

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike said. “There’s another part of this letter that I think you should see.”

She grabbed the scroll and read it to herself, then reread it. She looked at me, and recited aloud: “Do not let Navarone get a cutie mark. I do not know if I can turn him back into a human if he obtains one, or at least, if I can, it will be considerably more difficult. I have never tried it before, but many transformations are especially difficult should a pony find his or her true identity. For many ponies, this comes when they find their cutie mark. So warn him that I may not be able to help him if he has a cutie mark when I get there.”

I won’t repeat my string of expletives. “So,” I said when I was finished, “I just do nothing for a week?”

“Not necessarily,” Twilight said. “Getting a cutie mark takes most ponies several years to do. I would be careful to avoid doing anything you much like, though.”

“Pinkie Pie, good news!” I said with false enthusiasm. “The dancing lessons are back on.”

“REALLY?” She didn’t even catch the insult.

I sighed and turned to Twilight, “Unless I’m needed for anything else?”

“Nothing I can think of,” she replied with a smile. “Try not to have too much fun.” No chance of that happening. Yes, I have had a few dance lessons in the past. No, I didn’t enjoy any of them. And dancing as a pony? No, there was little chance I would enjoy the coming torture.

And I’m not going to lie, Pinkie Pie’s showgirl outfit did not make me feel any better about dancing with her. How did she even put that thing on? Better question, who makes something like that for a pony?

Rarity decided to follow us to Pinkie Pie’s rented room at Sugarcube Corner. Of all Twilight’s friends, she was the only one that actually didn’t have anything better to do than watch me embarrass myself. Even Fluttershy had to go back to helping her animals. In Rarity’s words, “I just have to see this for myself.”

It started awkwardly but slowly got better. I had no idea how to balance weight on my two back legs and use my two front legs as focus points against her, so she had to show me how to do that, and it took longer and was full of more innuendos than I ever suspected any of these ponies to use. Rarity finally threatened to leave if Pinkie Pie didn’t knock it off, which thankfully put a stop to it.

After that, it went much smoother. Pinkie Pie made a professional, if slightly silly, teacher, and my past experience helped at least a little. I didn’t leave as a pro dancer, but I would have been able to hide on a dance floor.

All in all, it really wasn’t that bad of an experience. Not something I’d do if I had another choice in the matter, mind, but it was a worthy way to pass some time.

As I prepared to leave, Pinkie Pie said, “Just think, Nav! If you don’t change back, we could open a dance studio! And Rarity could design our outfits and Twilight could plan showings and Applejack could make money on the side selling concessions and Rainbow Dash could make dramatic weather and Fluttershy could talk some birds into doing… whatever birds are supposed to do at times like that!”

“Lofty dreams,” I replied. “Something to think about, but not, I think, enough to tip my hand. Waltzing is an interesting hobby, I admit, but it’s definitely not worth the cost.”

“Waltzing isn’t the only kind of dance out there, you know! I know several I could teach you!”

“We’ll see,” is all I answered. “For now, I’m tired. Taking care of Trixie was tiring in itself, and finding myself in a new form hardly helped, nor did having to tote Twilight all the way back.”

With cries to ‘think about it’ following us, Rarity and I departed. When we were far enough away from the shop, Rarity said, “I’m somewhat impressed, Navarone. I never thought you would be much of a dancer, though it did take you a while to measure your steps.”

“I think I did rather well, for just having learned how to walk a day or two ago. Though to be fair, I’m honestly still not that good. But Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly good teacher.”

“Yes, she does have her occasional moments of lucidity. So, what are your plans for the rest of the week?”

“My main goal is, as it is every week, to not die. That aside, I plan to do my best to not get into any situations I can’t talk my way out of. I will only have this body until Celestia or Luna shows up to change me, and I really, really don’t want anyone to get any ideas about trying to force or convince me to stay this way.”

“Is that body really so displeasing to you?”

“It is not as bad as I feared, I will admit. However, it feels… wrong, like I’m constantly about to fall over, or like I’m on my hands and knees. I keep trying to stretch my fingers, only to realize that I don’t have any. My ears keep twitching and I’m hearing things that as a human I never would have picked up. My eyes are in the wrong places. And my nose… for some reason, as soon as I got near town, I started smelling… something new. No clue what it is, but it’s annoying.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’ve ever been a human, so I wouldn’t really know the difference. But at least you aren’t just going to be a recluse all the time, it seems.”

“There are plenty of things I’m really not a fan of that can keep me occupied. Enough to pass some time and not get me an ass tattoo.”

“So vulgar,” she sighed, shaking her head.

“Not all of us can be such beautiful examples of decorum,” I replied before even thinking about what I said. “Wait, did I just call you…”

“You most definitely did,” she said with a smirk. “You know, I’m sure we could find a few… things to do together. Things that would keep us both occupied…”

That tone she had started to make me worry. “I uh… I’m not sure…” Some very dark part of me was whispering for me to jump on that opportunity, but I was trying to ignore it.

“After all, I’ve always wanted a nice looking stallion to model some clothes for me. You wouldn’t mind, would you?”

A sigh of relief escaped me and I nodded. “If it’ll pass the time, sure. But it’ll have to be tomorrow. I meant what I told Pinkie about being exhausted.”

“Hm, very well. It is getting rather late, it seems. I’ll come by first thing in the morning to collect you, then! Maybe we can find something to cover that blank flank of yours so you can walk around in the town without attracting much attention.”

“That… actually would be pretty nice. I’ll see you in the morning, then.”

“Goodnight for now, Nav,” Rarity replied with a nod, turning off to go down a side road. I watched her for a few seconds, for some reason hypnotized by the sway of her flank.

God, stop that! What the hell is wrong with me tonight?

After shaking myself to dispel the strange thoughts I was getting, I continued on my way to the library and an early bedtime.

Rarity came by shortly after I woke up to collect me. “Are you ready, Nav?” she asked, stepping into the library proper.

I wasn’t doing anything at the time, since hooves are shit for holding anything. “Yeah,” I answered. “Not sure it’ll be fun, but at least it’ll pass some time.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself,” she said. “Now come along! Ooh, there are so many outfits to try!”

“Where are you going?” Spike asked, popping his head out of the kitchen where Twilight was driving him like a slave.

“Nav here agreed to model for me!” she answered with a large smile, wrapping a leg around my neck and pulling me close.

Spike’s smile from seeing Rarity almost instantly died. I don't think he was happy that I was macking on his honey. But since he never asked her out, that was decidedly a him problem. “Oh. Can I come?” he asked.

“You have to help me!” Twilight said from behind him. “We’re looking for that spell in the library today. Nav can’t do much since he somehow can’t figure out how to hold anything with his hooves.”

“But—”

“And it smells like something’s burning,” Twilight added.

“My pancakes!” Spike rushed back into the kitchen as Rarity pulled me to the door.

“Don’t you worry about breakfast, Nav,” Rarity said when we were outside. “I’m sure I can find something for you in my house.”

“Is it part of you?” I asked, once again before I could stop myself.

She chuckled, swishing her tail against me. “Only if you ask nicely,” she replied.

“God, why do I keep saying these things?” I asked, lifting a hoof to try to face-palm before remembering I didn’t have palms. “What the hell is wrong with this body?”

“Oh, nothing at all!” she replied, snuggling against me in a way that I regret to say felt rather nice. “Maybe you’re just finally starting to see ponies as more attractive, hm?”

I shivered involuntarily, disgusted at the thought. She noticed, but didn’t comment. “Do you really have to be so close?” I asked after a few seconds of her still standing right against me as we walked.

“For your sake, yes,” she answered, pulling away slightly. “It’s never mattered for you before, but you don’t want to be a new, single stallion in a mare-heavy town like Ponyville. At least, you don’t want that. They’d be all over you. I’m just doing you a favor.”

“How generous of you,” I flatly replied. “But are you sure you didn’t just want an excuse to rub against my apparently sexy body?”

Once again, she chuckled. “Oh Nav… I wouldn’t need an excuse! Now let’s speed it up, shall we? It might not be wise to let too many ponies see you without a cutie mark just yet.”

“I don’t know if I can do fast in this body yet,” I replied, starting to jog next to Rarity.

“You’re doing just fine. I bet by the time you can turn back, you won’t even want to!”

“Doubt it.”

“Hm, we’ll see…”

When we got to her dress shop, she dragged me to the kitchen. “So have you tried any flowers yet?” she asked, forcing me into one of the seats.

“No, and I’d really rather not. I know you ponies can eat them, but just the very thought of it makes me feel sick.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You don’t even want to try them? Just think of all the new flavors you might find!”

“I’m perfectly fine with keeping to the old flavors. But something I haven’t had in a while would be nice. I don’t suppose you know how to make crepes?”

She blinked in surprise before smiling. “I didn’t know you knew about those! Nopony in Ponyville has ever mentioned them! My, you manage to surprise me all the time, Nav. Making them would take some time, but I suppose it’s a fair compensation for assisting me as a model.”

“If that’s too problematic, there are plenty of other things—”

“No no, it’s no problem at all! Cooking is one of life’s simpler pleasures, one I admit to partaking in. Just sit back and relax, Nav. Of course, I just hope a certain sister of mine didn’t waste all of my ingredients…”

Thankfully, Sweetie Belle didn’t. Not too long later, I had a plate of lustingly cooked crepes in front of me.

And, after realizing I didn’t have fingers anymore, no way to eat them. “Fuck,” I sighed, looking at my shitty hooves.

“What’s the matter?” Rarity quickly asked, jumping next to me to examine the plate.

“I have no idea how to eat with these,” I said, lifting one of my hooves. “I don’t know how you ponies hold things with these, so I can’t do it. You don’t mind if I waive manners for a few minutes and just eat directly off the plate, do you?”

“Hm, that simply won’t do,” she replied, taking a seat across from me. “I’ll just have to feed you.”

“What.” Her horn lit up and the knife and fork she set down next to my plate lifted on their own accord. For some reason, I couldn’t see the aura that was usually around them. “This is… unnecessary,” I nervously said, watching the knife cut some of the food off.

“But fun,” she replied with a smile. “Now open wide!”

I sighed and did so, allowing her to place the very good food in my mouth. Since I was hungry and she had the means of feeding me, I didn’t fight back. It wasn’t fun, but I bore the indignity quietly enough.

“There now, wasn’t that fun?” she asked when the last bit of it was gone.

“Not particularly. But it was good, so I can’t complain.”

“It’s nice to see you have good tastes! I might have to have you over for breakfast again. Maybe we can have a… hm, sleepover?”

“Well, it’s getting pretty cold, so we’d have to share a bed…” When I realized what I said, I flinched. “Dammit, why does this keep happening?”

“I don’t know, but I quite like it! Much more enjoyable than the Nav I knew.”

“Ugh. Can we just get to playing dress-up? I’m sure that’ll take my mind away from… that.”

“Oh, you know you like it,” she playfully said, standing and levitating the dishes to her sink. “But come along and let’s get started. There’s so much for you to try on!”

I can’t say what followed was the most fun thing I’ve ever done, but it was far from the worst. I honestly don’t know how I looked, at least to a mare, but I know Rarity was very pleased with her results. She kept talking about someone named ‘Photo Finish,’ which I personally thought was a completely ridiculous name.

I’m also not entirely sure how she made all the clothes she had me try on that fast. I mean, surely she wasn’t storing masses of clothes on the possibility that a stallion would one day show up and say, “Hey, you need a sexy male model?” Rarity can sometimes be crazy, but surely not that crazy.

When I asked her about the clothing she had ready, she got an unhappy look in her eyes and mentioned, rather venomously, a certain ‘him.’ I decided that it was in my best health to not push the issue. She quickly got over her outburst and went back to playing dress up with me as her doll.

We were in a back room when the bell on the door chimed, signaling someone walking in. “Just a minute,” Rarity sang before turning back to me. “No, not like that! That’s the wrong hole! Here, let me!”

“I’m sorry, this is my first time…” I said a bit sheepishly. Well, it was my first time trying to put pants on as a pony. Seriously, why do ponies even have pants? “Watch it, that thing’s sensitive!” She had just pulled my tail, which I quickly found was something I didn’t want tugged.

“I know it’s your first time, but surely you used to do this all the time back when you were a human!”

“Yeah, but that was with a more natural medium, not anything like this!”

“I figured you’d have some kind of instincts on the matter! The way you acted last night, I know you can move those hips!”

“That was with Pinkie Pie, though! She wasn’t abusing me nearly as much as you are.”

“Oooh, you’re hopeless!” she wailed, turning to the door. “Let’s just go see what my other guest wants.”

She opened the door to a very red-faced Fluttershy, who looked from me to Rarity with a mixture of shame and horror. “What… what were you… doing in there?” she asked in a frightened voice.

Rarity looked somewhat shocked. “Fluttershy, you should know better… I am a lady!”

I quickly thought over what we had just said and smirked before throwing one of my legs around Rarity’s shoulder. “You don’t have to deny it, Rarity!” I said, pulling her close as she glared at me. “It’s perfectly understandable that you’d fall for me.”

“You’re about to be the one falling if you don’t stop lying!” Rarity growled.

“Oh, relax,” I said, stepping away from her. “Fluttershy knows I’m just joking.” A quick look at the timid mare proved that no, she absolutely didn’t know I was joking. “...Fluttershy, I was joking. Rarity is playing dress-up with me as her doll. And last night, Pinkie taught me how to waltz.”

“...Oh. That makes sense, I guess.” She looked a lot less nervous after that, and even consented to pose with me for a few of Rarity’s shots. It got somewhat awkward at a few points, but at that point I had done worse, so we managed to get through it. Fluttershy did have to explain how to spread my wings, though.

I know it’s hard to explain or imagine, but imagine suddenly growing wings. The problem is, my mind was only built to handle two arms and two legs and I was raised only using those. If I suddenly gained access to a whole new set of muscles that I never tried to use before, it would take me a while to figure out how they worked in relation to the other parts of my body. Rarity and Fluttershy had to gently extend my wings and distend them several times for me to even be able to figure out where on my body the muscles were to use, let alone actually trying to use them.

When Rarity had finished abusing us for her own sick amusement, she took a look at some of her pictures and said, “Navarone, you simply must stay as a stallion! You could become famous as a model! Just think of your possible impact on fashion!”

“I try not to at all times, actually. If that’s what I have to look forward to as a pony, I think I should get changed back as soon as possible. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”

“I know I didn’t much care for my foray into fashion,” she said. Then she caught the look Rarity was giving her. “But you might like it a lot more! I don’t know how the male model industry works…”

“Being gay is a prerequisite that I definitely lack. I think I’ll pass.”

“Psh. Stallions,” Rarity sighed, rolling her eyes. I could say something similar about mares…

Instead, though, I contented myself with disentangling myself from Fluttershy and then the clothing. “I assume we’re done?” I asked while I was pulling things off.

“Yes, yes. Fluttershy and I have an appointment with a spa that we must meet. Thank you for your help, Navarone!”

Well, that was an interesting way to spend a few hours. And I learned why the ponies very rarely wore clothing. Pants were very… restricting, for my new form.

When I returned to the library, I grabbed the cloak thing Twilight used on the way to the competition to hide my blank flank so I could walk around town without any trouble. Sure, Rarity mentioned the mares might bother me, but I was pretty sure they would take ‘not interested’ as an answer.

It was interesting, seeing the town from the viewpoint of a normal pony. Well, at least what everyone else considered a relatively normal pony. I did get a few odd looks, which I attributed to either the bulging of the cloak over my wings or the fact that apparently I was somehow uncommonly attractive—which I still don’t understand—but it was a better reception than I usually got.

So there I was, walking through town, looking relatively ordinary, when the trio of disaster cornered me.

“Hey Navarone, want to join us in getting your cutie mark?” Applebloom asked me.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” Sweetie Belle assured me.

“And with you along with your weird human ideas, we should get done twice as fast!” Scootaloo added.

“Sadly,” yeah right, “I can’t. If I get my… cutie mark, I might be stuck as a pony.”

“Why is that so bad?” Sweetie Belle asked. “We’re managing just fine!”

“Because you’re not used to having thumbs. I mean, Rarity actually had to feed me today because I couldn’t use the fork.”

“Why can’t you use your hooves?” Scootaloo asked. “Can’t you figure it out?”

“In time I could, yes. But there are a few other reasons I don’t much care for staying as a pony, none of which you’re old enough to understand.” Or that I would be willing to bring up to, well, anyone.

“Applejack uses that excuse on us all the time,” Applebloom said. “Can’t you give us a hint?”

“Not and retain any scrap of grace, no.”

“Can’t you just avoid doing anything with us that you really like doing?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“I could, but if I tried something new and liked it too much it might be too late. It’s not really something I consider worth it, though I have actually already tried two new things so far. Well, one new and one semi-new.”

“I heard my sister muttering about you doing something with Pinkie Pie last night. She seemed pretty excited about whatever it was…” Sweetie Belle said.

“Applejack also mentioned you going somewhere with Pinkie Pie. What did you two do?”

“Dancing lessons. It was… awkward, as a pony.”

“I thought you didn’t like dancing at parties,” Scootaloo said.

“I don’t like being at parties at all. But this was ballroom dancing, waltzing. If we tried that at a normal one of Pinkie Pie’s parties, it would get us laughed out of the joint.”

“Hm… That’s something we ain’t tried yet,” Applebloom said. “Do you think she’d be willing to teach us?”

“If you asked, probably,” I replied with a shrug.

With that, they ran off shouting about becoming professional ballroom dancers. Well, I guess it’s better than professional personal dancers. God, I can imagine the look on Rarity’s face if Sweetie Belle came home sporting a stripper pole or a tramp stamp on her ass.

Suddenly the idea for a great prank hit me, but I shook it off. That would be bad, even for me. Besides, I don’t even know if that profession exists in Ponyland.

The rest of day two was spent mostly in silence, walking around Ponyville and seeing the sights with a new perspective. I answered a few polite questions from curious ponies, mostly questions from mares about who I was and why I was in town. I decided I might as well pretend to be a servant of the princess, in town visiting Twilight. No reason to go building up awkward questions, after all.

I received a few depressing warnings to avoid her… pet human. I almost got violent the first time I heard that, but managed to restrain myself. It’s not like the ponies here hated me, they just… weren’t that used to me yet. Hell, it had only been, what, a few months since I got here? I was at best tolerated, but all of Twilight’s friends assured me that would change in time.

Let me tell you, even after the first few days, I still wasn’t used to waking up and not being able to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Or adjusting the cover late at night. Or hell, doing pretty much anything. Only a few days left, hopefully. I did notice that I was getting behind on my journal, not being able to write or anything. So if anything seems odd or off about this week, it may just be that it took me so much longer to get to writing it.

On day three, there was a terrible storm, so no one really went outside. Twilight practiced magic with her new horn. It was pretty funny seeing the expressions on her face as she worked her spells. God, it was great to see another human, even if I did know she was only faking it and even if she looked odd for some reason. Aside from the eyes and horn, I mean. It definitely brought a lot of memories back that we discussed at length, lacking much else to do.

I was only eighteen when I left and I lacked many friends for most of that life, but I did have some interesting tales. Admittedly, a lot of them weren’t about me, but they were still pretty interesting.

I’ll spare myself the details, because I already know all the tales. After all, no one else is going to be reading this. And if anyone does, that person is a terrible person and deserves to be spanked.

But most of the tales were stories about why I would probably be forever-alone. Long story short, awkwardness and teen hormones aside, I really was terrible with girls. Flirting was no problem, but following through was impossible for me. I had a girl wait nearly a full minute for me to ask her out. I knew she was waiting and she had to know I knew she was waiting, but I just… couldn’t ask. It was bad.

Some of the stories were funnier ones, though. Admittedly, not all of them were actually true, but they were things I had talked about doing or was planning on doing before I was forced into Equestria. Like, for instance, the prank about moving one of the senior lunch tables to the roof and eating up there like it wasn’t a thing, while the only access to the roof was by ladder. Our tables were mostly made of concrete. It would have been possible, but it would have been a massive undertaking. I was all for it and had actually drawn up plans, but I could never get anyone to help me that was willing to risk the punishment.

She, in turn, regaled me with her own tales of childhood. She was much the same as I in many respects: She spent most of her life doing little but studying and practicing magic, spending little time on friends.

She was fiddling with my knife for most of the conversation, grooming her fingernails and just otherwise fiddling with it. Human mannerisms she picked up from watching me, I guess, but it still seemed odd to me.

When she tried popping her knuckles, though, I spoke up: “I wouldn’t bother trying that. It takes a while to be able to do it.”

“You seem to do it every five minutes, though.”

“Yeah, and it took me a long time to be able to do that. And it’s not really that healthy, anyway. I mean, it’s not like it’ll give you arthritis or anything, but it will start to make your hands feel sluggish and clammy unless you do it often, but that’s only if you actually start doing it.”

“Then why would any human start doing it?”

“Because you don’t notice how sluggish and clammy your hands feel until you pop your knuckles and realize how much better they feel.” I had no idea if that was true; I had been doing it for so long I don’t remember what it felt like to not do it.

“Then why shouldn’t I try doing it?”

“Because you’re going to be losing your fingers soon enough anyway.”

She smirked, replying, “And what makes you think I haven’t decided to stay a human and keep you company?”

“Because you were a unicorn so long that by now being a human is driving you nearly insane due to the sheer oddness and distraction of it?” I know the opposite was definitely true of me. Being a pony felt wrong after being a human for so long.

“...Yeah, that would be a pretty good and accurate reason.”

I had been watching her the whole time, trying to determine why she looked so off. Talking about the hands is what got me to realize it. “You don’t use your hands while talking! That’s why you seem so odd to me.”

She gave me a weird look. “What?”

“When humans talk to each other, they use hand motions and other mannerisms when talking. You don’t move your hands at all. It’s… disquieting. You also don’t touch your face at all; humans tend to do that several times a minute, automatically. No wonder you look so off to me.”

“Now that you mention it, you do seem to be a considerably more animated pony than any I’ve seen before. I never really noticed what you were doing with your hands before, when you were talking. Most ponies rarely use any hoof gestures like that, so we don’t get in a habit of noticing them as much. We run the risk of falling over, I guess.”

We had a bit of a discussion on communication after that and ended up just telling more stories until night fell again. It was a long day.

Day four felt even longer. Rainbow Dash felt it was her civic duty as the main pegasus in town to make sure I knew how to fly. With her was Fluttershy, seconded as a teacher for the day. Together, they formed a unified front that even I couldn’t break. Seeing a serious Fluttershy is something that doesn’t happen often and it’s rarely something anyone could stand against.

So I was dragged off to a secluded field somewhere outside of town. I think they did it more to avoid suspicion than to spare me any embarrassment.

“You realize, of course, that I’m turning back as soon as possible, right?” I tried arguing.

“Trust me, after you start flying, you’ll forget all about wanting to be a human!” Rainbow Dash assured me.

“Oh yes, it’s quite wonderful!” Fluttershy agreed. “Though I usually prefer the ground, some types of birds can only be found by going higher, and they’re well worth the effort!”

“You’re also aware that I only just recently learned how to even stretch my wings, right? Recently as in two days ago. And then it was for little more but posing.”

“I still can’t believe you let Rarity dress you up like that. I would have loved to see it!” Rainbow Dash said, chuckling. Women are sometimes immune to logic, I’ve found.

“Fluttershy was there. She didn’t seem to think it was that odd.”

“Oh yes, it was quite… nice,” she said with a slight blush. I really need to watch what I say. Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes.

“So, is the main trick here to just fall at the ground and miss?” I ventured. “I never could master that as a human…” Neither of them got the reference, unsurprisingly.

“No… The basic goal is to jump and start gently flapping, and hope you don’t fall,” Rainbow Dash said.

“How important is the hoping part of that?”

“It’s usually the most important part,” Fluttershy muttered. Comforting.

Rainbow Dash gave her a look. “The hoping part is mostly for beginners,” she said, looking back to me. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. Probably.”

“Wait, how am I supposed to jump, again? As a human, I only had two legs to worry about.”

“You really don’t know anything, do you?”

“I just got this body and I wasn’t expecting to have to pass a freaking test with it. My basic plan was to walk around for a few days and then get turned back as soon as possible, then drink until I forget this experience.”

Rainbow Dash shuddered at that. “I can’t believe you let Applejack keep any of that horrid stuff!”

“Well, as it turns out, it was useful against Trixie.”

“You got a unicorn drunk?!”

“Hell no, I’m not stupid. That shit is flammable.”

“You… lit Trixie on fire?” Fluttershy asked, horrified.

“She was being a real bitch. First she headbutted Twilight, then dragged her across the ground, and finally threw her at me. So yeah, I lit Trixie on fire. It was really funny, too. She had a massive bald spot and got really mad.”

“Sounds hilarious!” Dash replied, laughing. Fluttershy seemed to pale slightly, but didn’t say a word.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to distract them for long. Soon came the explanations of flight. Knowing she had to get me in the air as soon as possible to maximize what she believed as her chances to get me to stay a pegasus, Rainbow Dash only gave me the crash course in what I absolutely had to know, with Fluttershy filling in where needed. Apparently none of them had yet realized that there was absolutely zero chance of me remaining a pony. But whatever; if they wanted to keep being nice, that was on them.

My first actual attempt at flying went better than expected, but then I really wasn’t expecting all that much. ‘Better than expected’ in this instance means that I was in the air for a few seconds before fluttering to the ground like an injured bird. I didn’t die, which was the important part, nor did I burst into flames and explode, which I also considered a big bonus.

Of course, Rainbow Dash didn’t much consider that an indicator of success, which shows how much she remembered of being a young flier. Fluttershy was considerably more forgiving, which I thought was nice. It didn’t save me from having to try considerably harder the next time, though.

After several tries, I finally managed to actually stay in the air for a little while. I was doing fine, flitting hither and yon throughout the sky, when I ran into a cloud and freaked out.

It was nothing like I expected. You’d think clouds would be cool and wet, since they’re just condensed rain. Instead, they were a lot warmer, though still slightly moist. They felt like… a pillow is the best comparison, I guess, but walking through a pillow is impossible. I suppose it would be like a large, warm slushee that you could lie on.

Anyway, I flew through it and completely lost my balance, forgetting what was up or down. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were expecting that, and had positioned themselves to catch me when I got out of it.

“You could have warned me, you know!”

“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” Rainbow Dash retorted.

“Bah! I bet you both just wanted a chance to hold my sexy body. All you had to do was ask, you know.”

“Psh, you wish!” Dash replied, almost dropping me.

“And I already got to,” Fluttershy almost proudly answered.

“Hey, I bet you just got us both out here to hang out with two awesome mares!” Dash said, grinning over my head at Fluttershy.

“Oh my, that would be quite deceitful of him!” Fluttershy said. “What should we do to such a naughty stallion?”

“I think he needs a little time to cool off!” Dash replied.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were teaming up on me.

Then they dropped me and I realized that they were definitely teaming up on me; we were right over the lake that Rainbow Dash tried to drop me in right before she came up with the idea for the stupid sky rodeo. Of course, this time I was able to fly, and didn’t have to trust my reflexes to haul me up their legs.

So as I fell, I spread my wings and just glided away, which was pretty neat and really did feel awesome. Almost awesome enough to make me wish I wasn’t going to turn back into a human. The key word there being, of course, almost.

After that last impediment with the cloud, the day just went by as fast as you please. Flying really was an amazing experience, when you don’t have to worry about losing your grip and falling to your death.

Day five dawned bright and early. Applebloom came by the library and asked me to come help her with something on the farm. She’s a farm girl at heart, so her ‘early in the morning’ is my ‘go-the-fuck-away-I’m-sleeping.’

But the only person in existence that can resist her puppy dog pout of cuteness is Applejack. So I grabbed my cloak with a sigh and followed her out the door, trying to blink sleep from my eyes.

“I don’t suppose we could stop for something to eat first?” I asked.

“No time!” she answered, skipping ahead and then looking back for me to catch up. I was just slowly plodding along. “Besides, there’s plenty of food at the farm.”

Yeah, apples. I’m fucking tired of apples. I just kept on trudging forward, not really paying attention to where I was going.

Thankfully, we made it to her little clubhouse without any problems. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were already there, looking about as enthusiastic as I felt.

“Applebloom, why am I awake so early?” I finally asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“Because if we don’t get started now, we’ll never finish in time!” she answered.

“Start what and finish in time for what?” Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle looked up to me, “She didn’t tell you anything either?” I could barely shrug, feeling too tired to do much.

“Nav can’t get his cutie mark, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help us get ours!” Applebloom said, sounding way too chipper. “He can help us modify his crazy human ideas to fit his new pony body, so we can try them out ourselves!”

I knew it was too early in the morning because she was making sense. Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, “So is it possible to get a cutie mark in sleeping?”

I turned my neck around to check under my cloak, then turned back. “Nope, I’m still clean,” I said.

Applebloom huffed. “This isn’t helping! We need to get planning!”

“Okay,” I said. “Uh… Have you tried… I don’t know, fucking potion making or something?” They all went pale at that. “...Okay, maybe not. Do I even want to know?”

“Let’s… let’s not talk about that,” Applebloom said, losing some of her chipperness.

“What about writing?” My mind really wasn’t working that well yet.

They looked at each other again with a similar expression. “We uh… we tried that,” Applebloom finally said as they all turned back to me.

I shook my head. “What about you, Sweetie Belle? Can’t you do magic or something?”

She blushed slightly. “I never had any real training… And Rarity refuses to teach me.” Understandable.

“What about blacksmithing? Or wood crafting? Or anything along that nature?”

They all perked up at that. “Blacksmithing?” Applebloom asked with a smile. “Why, we never even thought about that!” The other two started getting excited looks.

Wait… Blacksmithing uses very, very hot metal. These three fillies are prime fuckups when it comes to stuff like that. I tried saying, “On second thought, that might not be such a good idea.”

They weren’t listening. I was barely able to keep up with them as they ran into town, looking for the smithy.

You know, I had never noticed a smithy in Ponyville. It’s not that big of a place, though the size seems to fluctuate randomly for some reason no one can explain. But logic doesn’t have to work in this hellish land, so they found a smithy where the day before I’m pretty sure there was a post office.

It ended… poorly. Not bad enough so that that someone got hurt, but it was… bad.

So were my next several suggestions.

And there were no cutie marks, of course.

Pinkie Pie found us while we were heading back to the clubhouse thing. We all looked dispirited, them from failure and me from being tired. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You should be smiling! Just think, Nav! You’re finally normal!”

Oh yeah, that makes me feel great. “I’m tired, Pinkie,” I answered, trying to be nice. “Applebloom woke me up early to help them. It isn’t going well.”

She got an expression on her face that I have long since come to dread: “I have an idea!” she shouted, drawing the gaze of several nearby ponies. They shifted their gaze awkwardly when they realized it was Pinkie, wanting to avoid getting involved. She grabbed the girls and took them a little ways from me, whispering to them in excited tones. I saw them looking back at me every now and then.

I had a bad feeling.

When they finally broke up, the three girls broke off and ran ahead. Pinkie Pie fell into step beside me. I saw a chance and I tried to lunge at it, “Well, if you want to take over for me, I’ll happily go on home.”

She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as scarily innocent. “Nonsense, Nav! I’m sure between the two of us we can think of a few more things to help them with!”

“My brain is pretty fried right now, Pinkie. I’m barely able to lift one foot in front of the other. I don’t even know if that phrase works, now that I’m a pony…”

“Oh come on, I know it isn’t that bad! I really like being a pony! I mean, I’ve never tried being anything else, but if I did I’m sure I would prefer being a pony.”

“And I’d prefer to be a human. And soon, I will be, thank God.”

“You mean, thank Celestia?” she asked, looking at me funny.

I thought for a second. “Her too, I guess,” I finally said. “Or maybe Luna. So what did you tell the girls?”

“Oh, they’re planning a surprise for you,” she answered. I really didn’t like the sound of that. But… it’s Pinkie Pie. She would never hurt anyone.

That said, you’d be surprised what you can live through. Or what you’d want to live through.

She kept up some inane chatter on the way down to the farm. We were about a quarter of the way there—all the way out of town—when I found myself hanging in the air. “What the fuck?” I asked, too surprised to be scared. I was in a net, I saw, hanging upside down.

The three girls jumped out of a nearby bush. “We got him!” they shouted. They then checked their flanks to find nothing.

“Well, maybe next time, girls,” Pinkie said, ruffling each of their manes. “Now you go ahead and run along. Nav is really tired and needs some rest.”

“Shouldn’t we let him down?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yes, I think you should,” I answered.

“I’ll take care of it, girls,” Pinkie Pie answered. “No reason to waste time when you could be Crusading!”

They shrugged and ran off, discussing their next plot.

“So…” I said, balled up in an uncomfortable position.

Pinkie Pie made sure they were out of earshot before saying, “Now we’re gonna go have some fun!” she said with a happy tone. She started looking for the release on the net. “There we go!” I hit the ground with a painful thud. The net stayed closed around me, preventing any manner of escape.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to move very much until you let me go, Pinkie,” I said.

“I’ll let you out when we get where we’re going, Nav. I don’t suppose you could close your eyes? It’ll make your surprise so much more surprising!” She grabbed the rope at the top of the net and started dragging me back to town.

“I’m pretty sure all the ponies are going to question you dragging me back in a net, Pinkie,” I said.

She spit the rope out to say, “Well, how else am I gonna make sure you don’t run away? Don’t you worry about them, Nav. They’ll just think we’re playing a game!” She picked the rope up again and continued dragging.

“Did you ever think about just asking me to come with you? If it got me away from the girls, I would have said yes,” I finally said.

She spit the rope out again. “Less questions, more not-talking,” she answered, grabbing the rope again. I sighed and shut up so we could get wherever we were going faster.

As it turned out, our destination was Sugarcube Corner. She dragged me in the back door, presumably hoping the Cakes—who owned the place—wouldn’t notice me. Her hope didn’t work out. “Pinkie, what are you doing?” Mrs. Cake asked from where she was cooking in the kitchen.

“Playing a game!” she answered, dropping the rope again.

“...What kind of game requires a net? And isn’t that one of Twilight’s friends from Canterlot?”

“Fox and the hare, of course! He ran really far, but I finally caught him and now I get my prize! And everypony is my friend, especially if they’re a friend of a friend! Isn’t that right?” she asked me.

“...Sure. But what do you mean by pri—”

“Now come on,” she grunted, bending down for the rope again.

“Well, whatever you two do, try to keep it down,” Mrs. Cake said, turning back to her cooking.

“Don’t you worry!” Pinkie mumbled around the rope. “But I’ll be back to use the kitchen soon.”

“Just make sure to clean up after yourself,” Mrs. Cake replied, not even looking up.

Sometimes I think Pinkie could get away with a coup just because no one would question her until Celestia and Luna both disappeared and she said she ruled now.

“Nav, you need to go on a diet,” Pinkie panted when we got to the top of the steps. Since she fucking dragged me up the stairs, I wasn’t feeling too hot either.

“You could have just let me out of the net! It’s not like I’d go anywhere.”

“No! We’re almost there!” That said, she grabbed the rope with her teeth again and started pulling me to her room.

“This is getting fucking ridiculous,” I said. She didn’t answer. “I mean, I know you’re weird. I get that. But now half of me is covered in dirt and bruises and grass. My cloak is all filthy. You dragged me up the stairs. What the hell, Pinkie?”

“It’s all gonna be worth it!” she mumbled around the rope.

“Unless it ends with us cuddling after a long night of fun, I doubt it.”

“That’s the idea!” she replied.

“...Wait, what?” She gently kicked her door open and walked us in. I immediately noticed that Ponyville’s basic background smell as a pony was a lot stronger in her room. Jesus, maybe Pinkie is the source of whatever that dank stench is.

“We’re gonna have a sleepover!” she happily replied, dropping the rope and walking over to me. “Now just hold still for a moment…” She did something to the net, releasing it and finally letting me struggle to my feet. “Are you gonna play nice or am I gonna have to get the ropes?”

“...Play nice?” Honestly, I was a little worried about what troubles the other answer might bring.

“Whee! Now you go take a shower, Navi. I’ll go make us some snacks and then we can start playing!”

Before I could ask where the shower was, she bolted out of the room. “That mare has fucking problems.” It didn’t take me long to find her bathroom, at least. Since ponies have a single thing over humans (all their showers are the exact same so you never have to figure out how new ones work), I got clean very quickly. Being able to use my wings as shitty versions of arms was nice.

When I got out, Pinkie was sitting in her room, staring at the bathroom door and smiling. I couldn’t help but flinch back at the look she was giving me. “Are you ready?” she quickly asked.

“What happens if I say no?” I hesitantly asked.

“Then I help you get ready!”

“Then I guess I’m ready, but I don’t know what I’m ready for.”

“Well, first we’re gonna eat. I heard your poor tummy growling all the way here, so I know you’re hungry.” She leapt forward and grabbed me by one of my front legs before dragging me toward one of the tables in her room, where a variety of flowers and pastries were laid out. “You said you couldn’t have much sugar as a human, but you’re not a human anymore! So I made sure to load all these up with extra sugar so you’d be able to make up for all you missed!”

“...I was hoping for actual food,” I slowly said, rubbing my stomach.

“That’s what the flowers are for,” she answered, sitting on one side.

“Cooked food.”

“That’s what the pastries are for! This isn’t that hard, Nav.”

“You know what? Fuck it, I’m hungry. Thanks, Pinkie.” My hoof lowered to one of the pastries before I realized I couldn’t pick it up. “But there’s a problem. Do you care about manners?” When I looked up after asking that, I saw her smashing her face into a cupcake. After I noticed that, I saw that none of them had any kind of wrappers.

...Eating became a lot more fun after that. A lot messier, too. By the time nothing but flowers were on the table, my face was halfway covered in frosting and I felt like I needed another shower.

“You’re not gonna eat any of the flowers?” Pinkie asked, bouncing in her seat.

“I’d prefer not to,” I replied, trying to scrape some of the stuff off me with my tongue. “I never really liked the smell of lavender and that’s all you brought up…”

“Won’t you at least try one?”

“Eeeeh….”

She grabbed one of the things by their stalks and held it up, smiling sweetly. “Pleeeeeease?”

My shoulders sagged and I rolled my eyes before leaning in and chomping the thing in half, getting more of the flower than the stalk. It didn’t take much chewing before I identified a grape base with hints of all kinds of other stuff in there. “Not… too bad,” I finally admitted. “But the texture is just awful.”

“I guess they do kinda take some getting used to,” she replied with a shrug. “Oh, and you kinda got a little something…” She patted the side of her face.

“I know, I’m covered in frosting. I’ll just go wash it off.”

“I can get that for you!” she said before pouncing across the table at me, throwing me onto the floor and landing on top of me. The next thing I knew, the crazy bitch was licking my face clean.

It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Sure, the feeling of a tongue against my face fur felt really weird, but not that bad. Just the same, though… “What the hell, Pinkie?” I asked when she finally pulled away, licking her lips and grinning.

“I couldn’t let it all go to waste!” she replied, sitting back on me. It… felt like her tail was swishing between my legs. And did that smell get stronger? God, it’s making me light headed!

“You could have asked! Also, get off me.”

She giggled and hopped up, bouncing around the room. “You would have said no, silly!” she said as she bounced, still smiling. “This way you didn’t get to. Everypony wins!”

“...How do I win?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing at the back of my head where I slammed into the floor.

“Your face got cleaned,” she replied, stopping her bouncing and coming face to face with me. The ever-present smile on her face maintained its ‘ever’ status. “Now, are you ready for the games?”

“What kind of games?” I slowly asked, wary about spending much time with her. She seemed… extra Pinkie today.

She pulled two very different things out of nowhere. One was her toothless pet alligator named Gummy. I still haven’t figured out how she got his teeth out and I probably don’t want to know. The other was a game that made me feel immediate dread. “Twister!”

“I’m not so su—”

“Great! Gummy will control the spinner while we play.” She quickly pulled away from me and started setting the board up while I wondered just what hell I got myself into.

“You know I can’t move this body well, right?” I asked as she worked.

“I know. But I can move mine just fine! So I’m sure we can figure something out.”

My eyes rolled before I could stop them, but she wasn’t paying attention. “You know, most party games are more fun with more people.”

“Yep. Shame nopony else could make it… But that just leaves more fun for us!”

“You know, I can think of something really fun for us to do,” I said without thinking, my eyes for some reason following her flank.

“Oh, we’ll have all night for that,” she said, waving a hoof and smiling. “But now it’s twister time!”

What the hell is wrong with my brain? God damn. The smell was getting even worse, almost enough for me to want to say something, but I decided to stay polite unless it became unbearable. Though for some reason, it seemed… enticing. “If I say things like that, just ignore them,” I said, standing. “For some reason, I keep saying these things and I don’t know why.”

“Why would I ignore it?” she asked, stretching out. “It’s flattering! And funny!”

Once more, my eyes rolled. “Whatever. Just don’t get upset if I say anything like that and it offends you.”

The next thing I knew, my body was wrapped in a furry hug. “Don’t you worry, Nav!” she replied. “It’ll take more than that to make me unhappy. Now let’s start playing!” As she said that last sentence, she pulled away and looked at Gummy, who just sat there with the spinner in his hands. After a few seconds passed, he slowly blinked, his eyes not in sync. “Right front hoof red!”

“...He didn’t say anything,” I commented as she moved her hoof there.

“Sure he did. You didn’t hear him? He just said back right hoof yellow.”

“Are you… sure?” I asked.

“Yep! Now get those hooves movin’.” After a second of thought and realizing that I probably couldn’t make it to the door before she caught me, I did as she asked. “There. Now back right… orange? There isn’t an orange here!” She glared at Gummy before saying, “If you aren’t going to take this seriously, I’ll give Nav the spinner and we’ll play!” A few more seconds passed. “That’s what I thought! Back right green.” She shifted before muttering, “Orange my flank…”

I knew better than to say anything. The game continued on without anymore tomfoolery from Gummy, but I think Pinkie might have been misinterpreting his orders on purpose. At the end of the first game, I was essentially mounting her from the positions we were both in. Then ‘Gummy’ called a weird thing and my front half fell, pinning her down. When I used my wings to push myself back, she seemed rather disappointed. And oddly enough, the wings felt… very stiff after that.

The end of the second game once more put her under me, but this time she was facing the other way. So she was getting a face full of my sheathed junk while I was stuck smelling her upraised tail. For some reason, I started feeling a… reaction while in that position. A very localized reaction in an area I did not at all want one. So I threw that game, slipping on purpose to get away from her for a few seconds.

“What’s wrong?” she asked with a giggle as I very quickly made my way away from her.

“J-just… tired,” I replied, holding my legs closed in an attempt to hide a certain something. “The girls woke me up early…”

I don’t think she bought what I said for a minute, but she just said, “One more game?”

“Can we take a break instead?” I asked. “Just want to hang my head out the window for a minute or two. It’s uh… a little hot in here.”

The smile on her face turned… sly is the closest word I can think of, and she started slowly advancing. “It’s getting hot… or you’re getting hot?” she asked, her voice getting low.

That was a sign to me that things were getting out of hand. I started backing up, my ears twitching. “I… This room is sweltering,” I stammered, trying to stay away from the mare as her eyes drooped to half-lidded.

When I bumped into the wall behind me, I felt the window right there. So I swung around, accidentally swatting her face with my tail because she was so close, and pushed the unlatched window open to let some cool, fresh air in. Thank God, some of that smell is gone… Hm, and it’s getting dark out.

My body sagged as I got a nice breath of the fresh air, some of the light-headedness escaping. “So you ready to play more games?” she happily asked.

When I looked back, she was once again across the room, all the scary smiles and looks gone. “I suppose,” I said, taking a moment to pop my neck. “Can we just… leave the window open?”

“Okay! Now the next game is pin the tail on the pony.”

“...Really?” I sighed.

“Yep! It’s so much fun! I’ll go first to show you how it’s done.”

“By all means,” I said with a nod, watching as she walked to the center of the room to put on a blindfold. When it was on, she picked up a pin with a fluffy tail attached and started spinning. After a few seconds, she stopped and stood, wobbling in place until she wasn’t dizzy anymore.

Then she started walking, not getting close to the target at all. “Am I hot or cold?” she asked around the pin.

“Frigid,” I replied. She spun toward my voice and started walking toward me. “Even colder. You’re getting close to absolute zero.” She stopped and turned some more, to face another direction. “Warmer.” She began walking in that direction, turning as she did so. “Lukewarm. Markwarm. Matthewwarm. Just about… And you’re lava. Congratulations.”

She managed to pin right next to the horse’s ass, but it was a little low. When she pulled the blindfold off, she reared up to clop her hooves before turning to me. “Your turn!”

“Do I really have to? It looks… dull,” I said, trying to put some of the distaste I felt into words.

“It’s more fun than it looks,” she replied, skipping over to me. “Now just close that window and put this on.” She handed me the blindfold and I walked to the center of the room, not closing the window. She did it for me anyway, though I would have preferred it stay open. Anyway, the blindfold went on. “And here’s the pin,” she said, pushing something in my mouth.

It felt a lot heavier than the pin she used looked, but I was also holding it with my mouth instead of a hand. When I heard her back away, I began spinning, already regretting my decision to play along. I didn’t do that many, since I didn’t want to be too dizzy since I could already barely walk. After a moment to recover, I began slowly walking forward.

“Pretty chilly,” she said. I stopped and aimed a different direction. “Hm, a little warmer. But you’re still wearing a jacket.” I kept turning, not really liking the game at all. “Start walking,” she giggled. I did, moving slowly since her room wasn’t that big and I didn’t want to slam into anything. I continued turning as I walked, though, and noticed that the smell was getting thicker and thicker as I went on. It seemed to… pull me closer, making me feel more alive. Christ, what is that?

Soon it was almost unbearable, so I stopped. “Am I close?” I mumbled around the pin.

“So hot,” she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. And… it sounded like she was right in front of me.

Right as I took another step forward, the door opened and Rarity’s voice practically yelled, “Pinkie!” The strange smell almost immediately disappeared, making my entire body sag. The pin in my mouth was ripped out and I heard Rarity gasp as she was dragged in, the door slamming shut.

I pulled the blindfold off and took a moment to notice that I was nowhere near the pony poster before turning to Pinkie. “I wasn’t anywhere near the pony thing. Why did you say I was hot?” Rarity looked completely mortified and Pinkie was wearing an embarrassed grin. “And… why did that tail thing feel really heavy?”

Rarity turned to glare at Pinkie. She opened her mouth to say something unpleasant, but Pinkie suddenly blurted, “IneedtotalktoRarity!” before grabbing me and shoving me into the bathroom. She pulled the door shut before I could say anything.

Since I was trapped in there, I took some time to run some water to try to clear my mind again. God, why do I feel so… strange? What the fuck is happening? And can I escape before Pinkie actually manages to bed me?

Since I didn’t see any signs of me getting out of the bathroom quickly, I took a moment to study the little room. There wasn’t really much to look at; it was a typical bathroom. One item of interest, however, was the calendar. There was a weeklong event on it, but all it said was ‘Season’, written in pink. It was the sixth day of it, whatever that meant.

When I used my wing to flip through some more of it, I saw a fuckton of birthdays mark and for some reason, that ‘season’ event happened once every month, though it shrank in winter and grew in spring. That gave me a small hint of what was going on, but I didn’t realize just how much trouble I was in until it was far too late…

Not long after I gave up on studying the calendar, Pinkie retrieved me from the bathroom. “Rarity decided to play with us!” she said with a smile. For some reason, she was now wearing a bright pink rose over her ear, all the thorns picked from its stem.

“Ah… yes!” Rarity said. She also had a rose, a white one. “A nice chunk of time opened in my schedule and I believe I have time for a few… games.”

Thank God. Someone as a buffer from Pinkie. “So what’s next?” I asked, rolling my shoulders.

“Truth or dare!” Pinkie happily announced. Oh fuck me. From the grin on her face, I had a feeling that thought might be coming true. “Since there’s only three of us, it’ll be truth or dare, spin the bottle edition! Whoever it lands on gets truth or dare’d. If it lands on the spinner, he or she gets a dare from the other two.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Rarity said. “Who spins first?”

“Since you’re the new guest, you get to go first,” Pinkie said, pulling a bottle out of a place I don’t want to think about. She set it on the floor and we crowded around it, though lord knows I wish I didn’t have to.

Rarity reached a hoof out and span the thing. It landed on Pinkie. “Dare!” the party mare said before Rarity could even ask.

“Hmm… I dare you to hug Princess Celestia the next time you see her,” Rarity said with a smile.

“Okay! She always looked like she needed one anyway. My turn.” She spun the bottle and it soon pointed right at me. “Truth or dare, Nav.”

“Truth.”

“How do you like being a pony?” she immediately asked.

“Hating almost every minute of it,” I replied with a shrug. I reached for the bottle, but she slapped my hoof down.

“Tell the truth!”

“I did,” I said, rubbing the hoof for some reason. “I don’t like being like this. This entire shape is just… bad for me. And that smell is starting to worm its way into my mind.” This time, I spun the bottle before she could slap me away. It landed on Pinkie.

“Dare!” she said again.

“Uh… I don’t know, I dare you to kiss Gummy.” She seemed to get really excited about the kissing part until I said Gummy. Then her body sagged and she snatched the alligator up to give him a rather lackluster kiss.

Then she spun the bottle and it landed on Rarity, who smiled and said, “Dare,” with a shrug.

“I dare you to kiss Nav!” Pinkie happily said.

“What?” I asked, my eyes going wide.

“You heard her,” Rarity said, grabbing my head with both of her hooves and pulling me in for a quick, relatively painless kiss. Thankfully, she didn’t make it a frenchy. “That wasn’t too painful, I trust,” she said when she pulled away. I just sighed as she spun the bottle. It landed on me.

“Truth,” I said again.

“Are you just going to say truth all night?” Rarity asked in a disapproving tone.

“That’s the plan,” I replied with a smile, reaching for the bottle. It landed on me. Oh God dammit.

They both smirked. Rarity said, “The two of us prepared a small present for you, Nav,” she said, pulling the rose down from her ear. “So our dare is simple. Smell these roses.” Pinkie pulled hers down as well and they both shoved them up to me.

Oh thank you… “Easy,” I said with a smile, leaning in to sniff them. The smell was… strong. Ridiculously strong. Each of them smelled of that horrible… wonderful musk that had been haunting me since I got to Ponyville. And as I got a fully concentrated dose of it, a single thought resounded in my mind.

A want… A need… for mares. Specifically, the two in front of me.

“Well?” Rarity asked, a coy smile on her face. By way of answer, I snatched the two roses in my mouth, chewing them and letting my eyes close at the glorious feel of lust that washed over me. “Oh my…”

As soon as Pinkie saw the look in my eyes, she pounced over the bottle and pushed her face into mine. The rational part of my mind was gone at that point, consumed wholly by a need for the two of them. And since Pinkie was currently closer, she was the one I focused my attentions on.

Despite knowing on a base level that I didn’t have any experience, my body seemed to know exactly what to do. My front legs wrapped around her head and neck, pulling her tight against me as she freely explored my mouth with her tongue. After some very pleasant time of doing that, I stood, pulling her up with me.

It seemed Pinkie was planning on something like that to happen, because she made sure we were near the bed. I was easily able to toss her onto it even with my shitty hooves. She flew over to it, squealing, “Whee!” When she landed, the bed made a gentle pomf noise. “What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?” she asked, giggling.

“There’s no need to play dumb,” Rarity said, quickly joining her as I approached, my nostrils flaring slightly. “It seems he finally accepted our offer.”

My brain heard their words, but just discarded them, viewing them as pointless background noise. I was finally at the animalistic point where I could smell the differences between the two. Rarity was in season, but she wasn’t as deep into as Pinkie was. So I tuned her out as pointless for the moment, throwing myself at Pinkie.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up with a blinding headache and no fucking clue where I was. A groan erupted from my mouth and I tried to lift a hand to my head. That was rendered impossible for two reasons. One, I didn’t have hands at the moment. Two, both of my hooves were trapped under something to either side of me.

“God, what happened?” I mumbled, opening my eyes and looking to the left. The most horrifying sight I ever saw greeted me: Pinkie’s happily sleeping form. I jerked back from her and bumped into something warm and soft that I saw was the second most horrifying thing I ever saw: Rarity’s merrily slumbering body.

And then I felt the ache in my crotch that gave me an all-too-real hint of what happened the previous night. My little freakout woke both of them up and ended with me locked inside the bathroom. “What the hell did you do to me?” I yelled through the door.

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked, trying to be comforting. “You were all over both of us last night!”

“Like hell! You know I’m not attracted to horses! What the hell did you two do?!”

“Nav, you’re not just feeling after-sex regrets, are you?” Rarity asked. “We’re all adults here. We’d understand.”

“No! There’s no way in hell I would have ever slept with you. Just what the hell did you do?”

“Um, Rarity…?” Pinkie slowly and quietly said.

“Yes, dear?” Rarity sighed, pulling slightly away from the door.

“...You know how most pony towns are usually either majority stallion or majority mare?”

“Yes, Pinkie. Everypony knows about the phero—Oh Celestia…”

“What?” I asked through the door. “What did you two do?!”

“Navarone, I want you to promise me that you’ll hear me out,” Rarity said. “Just… listen. Please.” She sounded rather distraught, but I was still wary.

“No promises. Start talking.”

“Mares go through a period every month called estrus and—” It instantly clicked, thanks to all the time I spent on my family’s small farm.

“Oh my God, you used pheromones against me!”

“Well… yes, but—”

“But nothing! That’s like using a drug on someone! You fucking raped me!”

“Let me finish!” I was beyond incensed at that point and if I didn’t figure they could both immediately overpower me if I rushed the door, I would have left immediately. “We… didn’t even think about it, Nav.” Pinkie nervously coughed behind her and she added, “Well, I didn’t think about it! When mares go into heat and they find a stallion they would like to… spend some time with, there’s a certain custom in Ponyville involving rubbing roses in certain places.”

“That’s disgusting,” I broke in.

“Yes, it is,” she agreed. “But it’s a custom. It never even occurred to either of us that you wouldn’t know it! Or that you would react like you did. We both just thought… you finally decided you were okay with ponies.”

“I lost my fucking mind!” I yelled. “The last thing I can even remember is smelling some roses!”

“Well… I can assure you that you enjoyed it,” Rarity weakly said.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better, you stupid bitch!” I shouted.

“But… you were happy!” Pinkie said. “I saw you smiling…”

“Pinkie, you brought me to your house to fucking seduce me! Don’t think I didn’t figure it out, not with how you were acting. With every reaction I made up to the point where you gave me those disgusting flowers, how could you even think I wanted to fuck you?”

“I thought… you were playing hard to get…” she whimpered.

“Nobody does that!” I yelled.

“Not true, actually,” Rarity said, as if trying to placate me. “I admit to having done it a few times…”

“Guys don’t do that! Just stupid chicks that think it’s sexy!”

“...That’s true,” Rarity said. There was a light thump on the door. “Oh Celestia, what have we done?” she mumbled. I didn’t think I needed to answer that. After a few seconds, she said, “Navarone, Pinkie and I are going to leave the building. You are free to come out whenever you want. Should you ever want to… discuss what happened, just let either of us know. For what it’s worth… I didn’t even think about the pheromones and what they might do to somepony not used to them.” Once again, I didn’t reply. A few seconds later, I heard them both leave.

I just fell flat onto the floor, wondering what the hell I could do. They took advantage of me and raped me, but at least one of them seemed relatively ignorant about it. Oh God…

I’m not sure how long I was on that bathroom floor, but eventually I forced my way to my feet and departed, leaving the boutique behind in a daze. I don’t even remember getting here… I wandered to the library, getting a ton of looks from the townsponies as I walked. Can they… smell it? Ugh, fucking animals!

When I got to my destination, I just walked right past Twilight and her questions and went straight to the shower, sitting under the stream for what felt like hours, just… thinking.

It took me forever to get out of bed the next day. The only reason I ever did leave it is because the horse-version of Twilight excitedly forced her way in. “Princess Luna’s here, Nav!” she happily said. “And she can turn us back!” That was enough for me to get my horribly conflicted and mopey ass out of bed. “Nav, you look… horrible. What happened?”

“...Nothing,” I said, not meeting her gaze. “Where’s Luna?”

“She’s in the study. And she asked to speak to you alone, but I don’t know why. I’m sure everypony will just love to celebrate now that we can be back to normal!”

“I’m gonna hold off on that,” I sighed, walking past her and down to where the princess of the night awaited me.

She smiled when she saw me, a smile that I was honestly unable to match even though it was nice to see her again. “You look… quite handsome, Navarone,” she said, approaching me. When she got close enough, a newly familiar smell twinged at my mind and I stared at her in horror, my ears drooping against my head. “...What’s wrong?”

“I can smell it,” I whispered, involuntarily taking a step backwards. “Turn me back.”

She stopped moving forward, but she made no motion to turn me back. “Are you sure you want to turn back?” she asked. “While this change is not one way, meaning you can become a pony again should you desire, you would find acceptance and likely happiness much easier as a pony than you would as a human.”

“I would never willingly betray my humanity,” I said, a tinge of harshness entering my voice. “And I have no desire to be in such an inferior body. Especially one that can be ruled with animalistic instincts. Turn me back.”

“All forms of life are at first governed by instincts, Navarone,” she replied. “And this body is new to you. If you gave it time, you would find the resisting is easier. There are many positions one of your… temperament would find acceptable. Bodyguard. Actor.” Her tail flicked, as though smacking at something, and she added one more with a smile, “Consort.”

“Not interested in any of those. Turn me back. Quickly, please. I was able to tell you were in heat the second I stepped through that door and it’s just getting worse.”

“So… forward!” she giggled with a blush. “Stallions in my time were not like that. More circumspect. More fearful.”

“Are you going to turn me back or not?” I forced through clenched teeth, getting more and more pissed that she was toying with me.

“Yes, I will. But I have a warning, first. Some parts of your transformation may not be… complete.”

“Meaning?”

“Your wings, Navarone. They will still be there when I turn you back.”

“What? That’s retarded! Why the hell would I have wings? I’m no angel!”

She sighed and looked away, thinking of how to explain it. Finally she said, “What happened to you and Twilight was an explosion of chaotic magic energies. When magic is forced into a spell for the first time, it is torn from the raw magic energies of the world, which are naturally chaotic. When that unicorn attempted to make a spell, what she was doing was forging a new spell from chaos. That spell failed, sending all the magic she was forging exploding outwards. The effects were random and could have been anything. I believe that since you and Twilight were standing so close, it just forced a similar change onto both of you. She got your humanity but retained some of her ponyness, her horn. You got her ponyness, but since she kept her horn, you gained something new. I know it doesn’t make sense, but magic is… strange. Especially raw magic like that.”

“That’s absolutely fucking retarded. Just turn me back and get some bolt cutters. I’ll fix that problem up immediately.”

“What?!” She was so shocked that she almost reverted back to her Royal Canterlot Voice.

“I was joking! Jesus! Just turn me back.”

She huffed somewhat angrily. “You should never joke about self-mutilation,” she replied, beginning to step closer to me. “Hold still. This will be jarring.”

I closed my eyes when she got right in front of me, ready to finally be back to normal. After a few seconds, the deed was done and I was once again in my pristine human form.

Mostly pristine… A large pair of white, feathery wings sprouted from my back in what I immediately knew would be an uncomfortable position. “Finally,” I sighed, falling to my knees.

Luna was looking down on me strangely. “Hm. Twilight did not mention in her reports that humans lacked sheaths. Or are you just excited to see me?”

“While I refuse to deny the second, we don’t have sheaths,” I said, standing and walking over to where Twilight left my pants when she was turned back. I could feel Luna’s eyes watching me as I put them on. “Why? You see something you like?” I asked as I turned back to face her, finally wearing pants.

“It is… interesting to see something that displays itself so openly,” she said with a small smile. “Though I won’t deny it either…”

“The most I’ll offer is a hug for turning me back. God, I couldn’t stay in that horrible body for any longer.”

“Of course, there are spells to reduce the impact our pheromones have upon stallions. But I did not think they would be needed upon one with such… vaunted human reasoning, as I believe you’ve put it before.” The way she said that sounded mocking and rage exploded in my mind before I forced it down, deciding it unwise to pick a fight with a princess.

“Whatever. I’m sure you have things to do, so I won’t keep you busy.”

And just like that, it seemed like she regretted her words. But a princess never apologizes, or at least not this one. “I actually have little to do, now,” she said, almost bitterly. “My sister took it upon herself to investigate the mysterious fire caused in an old fortress long since abandoned. Since it was a magical fluctuation that appeared to have caused it, she had to go herself. I can only imagine her surprise when I tell her what Twilight told me about the competition.”

“I’m sure she’ll be pleased to find she wasted a week. You know, I’m going to have to meet her one of these days. Everyone seems to paint her as the worst tyrant there ever was, but I want to find out for myself.”

“Hm… I might arrange a trip to Canterlot for you, then. Would it please you to escape from Ponyville for a time?”

“I’ll… think about it, I suppose,” I slowly replied, trying to think of a nice way of telling her hell no. Sure, getting away from Ponyville would be awesome, especially after getting fucking raped, but going to a city as famously pompous and stuffy as Canterlot? Ugh.

“Take your time in thinking,” she said with a shrug. “My sister is a busy mare and this week-long break will put her behind for some time.” She looked away suddenly and I saw her jaw moving. It took me a second to realize she was stifling a yawn.

“You’re usually asleep right now, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yes. But Twilight informed me that you were growing quite morose, so I decided to come as soon as I found the spell rather than wait for night to fall. I fear I have gotten little sleep in the past few days.”

“Then I won’t keep you here any longer. Thank you for helping me, Luna. I honestly would have killed myself if I was stuck like that.”

“That is… horrible. How could you say that in such a blasé manner?”

“The place I grew up was very different,” I replied with a shrug. “But you should go on to bed, Luna.”

“...Yes. But not without collecting that hug you promised. For both our sakes, I believe.”

“I don’t remember actually promising one…”

She rolled her eyes and her horn lit up, grabbing me from where I stood and pulling me into her. When she had me in the perfect position, she struck, ensnaring me with both hooves and wings. And since I wasn’t currently wearing a shirt, I got to feel how truly soft these damn ponies really are. Turns out, they’re extremely soft. Or at least, the large and rich ones like Luna are.

“There,” she finally said, pulling away. “I will see you later, Navarone. For now, I am going to bed.” She teleported off before I could answer. Strangely, it seemed that her wings were still outstretched as she departed.

Speaking of wings… I looked over my shoulder at mine. “Well… now what?” I sighed, suddenly aware of my desecration.

Survive, I suppose, a thought in the back of my mind said. It’s all you’ve ever done.

Sometimes it’s all a man can do.

Chapter Seven—Mailmares, dancing, and Cutie Marks

Chapter Seven—Mailmares, dancing, and Cutie Marks.

None of the ponies in Ponyville commented on my new wings, aside from Twilight and her friends. Apparently most ponies just sort of do their best to look around me when they see me. Not rude, of course, but not polite either. They knew I wasn’t of their world and didn’t want anything to do with me. At least they weren’t dicks about it, and were actually willing to talk to me if I asked them something.

And as it turned out, Rarity was able to modify my clothing so that it would fit with my wings. Twilight had to actually ask her to come by the library after I managed to come up with several excuses to avoid her shop, and it was a shock to find her rummaging around in my clothing when I got back from wandering around the area outside of town.

I was turning on my heel to head back out when she looked up.

“Nav, wait!”

Yeah, I wasn’t about to wait for shit. The only thing that stopped me was her magic tugging on my wings. I tried to continue walking anyway, but fuck are wings annoying.

“Will you at least look at me?”

“And what would I see? A rapist? I think I’ll pass.”

“Anger or not, I will attempt to make amends until you can forgive me. I shall start by amending your clothing to match your new… additions.” I didn’t reply and after waiting in silence for a few seconds, she released me. Out the door I went without looking back.

On an unrelated note, the forced vegetarian diet I was on was getting on my nerves. Yes, it’s pretty healthy. And yes, the ponies have some excellent cooks that know how to do some wonderful things with plants and tofu. But I was really, really craving a steak, or some beef jerky, or just anything, really.

With that in mind and Rarity in my dresser, I grabbed my crossbow—I was getting much better with it, now that I actually had a chance to do some practicing—and started off towards the forest that all the ponies seemed to fear.

Now, I’m not a professional hunter or anything, but I have killed deer in the past. I’ve also seen them skinned, though I’ve never done it myself. But I was hungry, dammit, and a cookout sounded good. Fluttershy lived close enough to the woods that I could borrow some fire making device from her to start a blaze to cook whatever I killed on. What’s the worst that could happen?

Two hours later, I was really, really thinking about changing my policy on ideas that I preface with ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’. Manticores absolutely do not like people encroaching on their hunting grounds.

Coincidentally, I found out why all the ponies are afraid of the forest. There are some really terrible things living there. I saw all manners of nasties that I almost shot, but then tried to imagine myself eating them and said fuck it.

Where was I? Oh yes, getting chased by a pissed off manticore. I don’t suggest it; they are very, very fast. The only thing that saved me was the fact that we were in a forest so it couldn’t go full tilt after me. Despite that, there were way, way too many close calls for my liking. Several trees I ducked around were destroyed with very sharp claws, and occasionally some manner of animal instinct caused me to suddenly jump ahead, only to hear a short pounce and a very annoyed cat-like yowl right behind me.

It was discomforting, to say the least.

At that point, I don’t even know where I was trying to go. I was just running like crazy, through all manner of odd environs. There were a few openings full of flowers that I avoided, not wanting to give the critter any kind of advantage of level terrain. I saw a mountain stretching in the distance at one point, but I did my best to keep away from it; wings wouldn’t do me any good against something that was born with its own set. There was even a swamp peeking through the trees at one point that I turned away from almost immediately; a swamp wouldn’t do either of us any good.

Knowing that most animals in this place are at least sentient, even if unable to talk, I tried reasoning with the fellow as I ran. “This is all just a misunderstanding! I’m just an explorer! Why are you trying to attack me?”

The only response I got was a very agitated roar. Man, maybe I should have just shot this bastard. I decided then to do just that, whenever I got the chance.

A chance that came sooner than I expected. The thought had barely left my mind when I hit the edge of the forest. I sprinted on a few more meters and almost tripped; I was so used to jumping over roots and whatnot that when no more came I was surprised. I knew I had seconds to react, so I did my best to load the crossbow as fast as I could and bring it to bear.

I just barely managed to get it aimed, just in time for a very loud “No!” to disturb my aim and send the bolt skittering through the forest. If the manticore also hadn’t been stopped by that cry I would have been completely boned. As it was, I managed to force my weary legs to jump high enough for my wings to take effect, and tried to get as far away as possible from that bastard before I looked to see who it was that almost got me killed.

Of course, it would be Fluttershy. That chick likes animals way, way too much. “Any reason you’re trying to get me killed?” I yelled down at her.

Instead of answering me, though, she flew over to the manticore and said some words to him. He sent a very rage-filled glance my way, snorted out a loud harrumph, and stalked back into the forest. I gingerly landed on my weak legs and waited for some manner of explanation.

“We know each other,” Fluttershy said with a small smile. “What were you doing in the forest, anyway?” That was said with a look at my crossbow.

“Exploring. That place is not fun. I don’t suggest it as a vacation spot.”

“You know, most of the paths are pretty safe; Zecora has some kind of agreement with some of the animals there to keep off the roads.”

“Apparently that doesn’t apply to that manticore; he was on a road when I ran into him.”

“Yeah, her agreement doesn’t hold with everything there… But if you do go back into there, try not to lead any of the animals too far out. We all prefer them in the woods.”

“I was about to attempt to kill this one when you interrupted my shot. If nothing else I would have given him a scar to tell stories about.”

“That wouldn’t have been a good idea…” she quietly said, looking back into the forest.

“I’d rather go down with a fight than go down begging. At least if I had hit an eye it would have been a pyrrhic victory for him.”

“That just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Wouldn’t it be better to try to befriend him?”

“As far as I’m concerned, by the time you’re running for your life, it’s too late to become friends. Especially since he disregarded my attempt at peacemaking.”

“Maybe he was just hungry!”

“That wouldn’t make me feel any better about getting eaten.”

“Well, everypony needs to eat…”

“If you’re really worried about his eating habits, a pony would make a better meal than a human.”

“Oh, no, he likes me too much to eat me!”

“Shame. I wouldn’t mind asking him to carve off a flank for me, on the side.”

“…You wouldn’t eat a pony!”

“Yeah, he probably wouldn’t share…” I honestly don’t know if she could tell if I was joking or not. I don’t know if I was, either. I’ve heard a lot of good things about horse meat, but I don’t know if that would transfer here. Besides, eating a friend would be awkward, and explaining that to Twilight would be hard.

After a few seconds of thought, she apparently decided I actually was joking. “Were you planning on going back into the forest? I was going to visit Zecora, and I wouldn’t mind the company.”

“Sure, I suppose.” I didn’t particularly want to go back into that hellhole, but there was a good chance Rarity was still mulling over my clothing and Fluttershy really didn’t like going into those woods alone. For good reason. Besides, it’s not like I had anything else to do. I cocked the crossbow again, just in case, and we set off into the forest.

While we were walking, I tried dabbing at some of the cuts I took across my body in my mad dash through the trees. Despite the chill, I still wasn’t wearing a shirt, and you run into all manner of nasty things out there when you aren’t paying too much attention to where you’re going. I was bleeding in several places across my chest and my arms were really messed up. My legs fared a little better, but I could feel blood crusting in my leg hair. It was pretty nasty, but it wouldn’t be enough to slow me down; I heal fast, and I’ve never gotten any infections. Still, I made a mental note to ask Zecora for some manner of healing poultice, or at least a bucket of water to wash the crust off.

I wasn’t entirely reassured by Fluttershy’s insistence that the roads were safe, so I found myself jumping at any sounds in the woods around us, dropping the conversation and my attempts to clean myself to aim at it and try to determine what it was. After that happened a few times, Fluttershy politely and very hesitantly asked me to knock it off, though not using those words. I relaxed a little.

Our conversation was fairly routine. Just past experiences, stuff she had done with her animals and her friends, with me attempting to find any of my past experiences to add to hers that she would approve of. That list was relatively short since I fucking hated animals. Being an unwilling farmer gives you an irrational hate for some things.

Then she started asking about my week as a pony.

“How was your dancing lesson with Pinkie Pie?”

Which one, legal or not? was my first thought. Knowing what she meant, though, I said, “The showgirl outfit was unexpected. Why does she even have something like that?”

“She still has that? She got it from a place called Appaloosa a little while ago, while we were visiting some of Applejack’s family. She used it in a… strange dance number there…”

“I can certainly see why that would be strange,” I muttered. I don’t know if Fluttershy heard me, but I thought I saw her smile.

“Was she a good teacher, at least?”

“Surprisingly, yes. I didn’t think she could be serious long enough, but she somehow managed. She also made it somewhat fun, which I also didn’t think was possible. I was never much a fan of dancing, back when I had to learn. I’m not the best at it, mind, and it’s still not my preferred hobby, but I’m better able to tolerate it now. Why? Thinking about learning yourself?”

“Oh, no. I’m much too uncoordinated for that…”

“…You were a model for weeks because of how graceful you were.”

“I… I also don’t have a partner.” That was almost whispered.

“Yes, I could see that being a bit of a problem. But I’m sure Pinkie Pie could teach you anyway, as the lead.”

She looked down, and said, “Probably.”

Thinking back… Nah. It’s Fluttershy. Why would she be interested in me?

The rest of the walk to Zecora’s passed with little incident, though I did almost shoot a squirrel when he jumped out on the path. As soon as it saw me, the poor bastard squealed and dashed back into the forest. At least I didn’t waste a bolt…

“Hello Fluttershy, Navarone. What brings you to my humble home? It appears you are covered in dings. Oh my, and when did you grow those wings?” That last directed to me, I hope.

“A week or so ago,” I replied. “Think you can do anything about them, aside from chopping them off?”

“Cutting them is all I could do. You would not want that, would you?”

I was actually seriously considering it, honestly. Those damn things jutting out of my back had been nothing but a fucking pain ever since they showed up. Leaning back was hard, sleeping on my back was impossible, and flying wasn’t something I really cared to do anyway.

However, Fluttershy saw the look on my face and took it upon herself to comment. “No! Nav, you can’t do that! It’s… just awful!”

“Better gone than giving me pain. But whatever; we’re not actually here for that. I’m just along for the walk. Feel free to talk to her, Fluttershy.” She didn’t seem so willing to drop the point, but she always was a meek one. So instead of pressing it, she turned to Zecora.

It was made rather quickly apparent—politely, of course—that my presence was not wanted. No one said I had to leave, of course, but I thought it best if I took a look outside. I excused myself, thinking about hiding in the woods and stalking Fluttershy on the way back to spook her. I decided not to, of course, but the thought was there…

Zecora had given me a bucket of water and a washcloth to clean the blood off with and I was doing that when I heard a rustle near the edge of the woods. Before my mind could fully comprehend what it was doing, I was aiming at the sound with my finger on the trigger. At that point I was very glad at some of the minor modifications I had done to the crossbow, including a set of iron sights to make sure I know where to aim it and a guard to make sure the bolt goes in and goes out only when I want it to.

Good thing I automatically aimed, too; it was a cockatrice. However, it did not seem to be one that was hostile. It actually came out with its… arms, I guess, held up. The thing even had its eyes closed. I backed up to the house, keeping my eyes on the critter, and hammered the door with my elbow. “Fluttershy, I found a friend of yours…”

I wish I could say they came out to see a Mexican standoff going down, but in reality it was more me pointing a crossbow at something that obviously didn’t want to have to defend itself. “What’s going on?” Fluttershy asked, before seeing the cockatrice.

“Don’t know. I reckon your buddy there wants some kind of help or something. I vote we tell it to fuck off.” Or let me shoot it…

“He might have a hurt friend, though! We can’t just let it suffer!”

“…Why not? Look, it’s getting dark and we still have to get out of the woods. Do you really want to be wandering around this place in the dark?”

“If it means helping an animal, I will! And if you’re too afraid to go with me, then I’ll go alone.”

“Like hell you will. I think you’re a fool for it, but never let it be said I don’t stick my neck out for friends. Probably makes me a fool too, though. Too nice for your own damn good.”

Zecora, who had been silent up to that point, said “It is dark out there in the night. Allow me to bring you a light.” With that, she walked back into her hut and brought out what looked like some glow sticks or something.

“While you’re bringing us party supplies, you got any ecstasy stored in there?” I asked. “I wouldn’t mind dropping some E while wandering around here.” She didn’t know what to say to that, so I dropped it. With that, though, we were off, wandering off the path through some god-forsaken woods.

It was not a pleasant walk. I had managed to wash most of the blood off while waiting, but some of the scratches were burning. The light from the glow sticks was eerie, casting an unholy radiance about us, sending shadows skittering in my peripheral vision, making me think we were constantly surrounded. And there were plenty of hazards to worry about underfoot as well: roots, bugs, the occasional snake that didn’t bite but rather got in your way and twisted under your feet. Low hanging branches, spider webs, and all manner of things were in our way.

I was pissed at that damn cockatrice. And we had to follow him for a good clip into the woods, too.

And all that work just to save a damn pegasus that flew way off course. She was knocked out cold and had some blood crusted on one of her wings. The poor girl was alive, though, which was better than nothing. So I guess it was probably a good thing that I didn’t shoot the cockatrice, but whatever.

It’s also a good thing I didn’t let Fluttershy go alone, because there’s no way in hell she could have carried the pony into town by herself. She wouldn’t let me just tie a few vines to drag her with, so we had to figure out a way to carry her between us. It was interesting.

We eventually just broke some saplings down, strapped the pegasus to them with some vines, and used that as a makeshift stretcher. It wasn’t pretty and it barely worked, but I know some rednecks back home that would be proud. Then they would ask why I wasn’t having sex with the horse next to me.

Rednecks are weird.

Anyway, the cockatrice wandered off after pointing us in the right direction; he probably figured whatever debt he owed to Fluttershy was gone after he helped us save the pegasus. Good enough for me; I just didn’t want to get lost—even more lost—in that forest. Still, my chances were pretty good, between the master animal trainer with me and my crossbow. If all else failed, there was a decent chance I could run off while whatever it was ate the wounded pegasus we were carrying. Yeah, I’m a bad person, I know.

Thankfully, though, the need never came up. We successfully made it out of the woods with little more than a few extra scratches on my part and several burs covering Fluttershy. And what I assume to be a tick that was on me that got scraped off when we got to the doctor.

On the way out of the forest, I learned it was a good thing I had avoided those large clearings full of flowers. Fluttershy described their effects. Basically, they do to you whatever the most embarrassing thing you can think of would be. I don’t even want to think about what they’d do to me. Probably turn me back into a pony and… Never mind.

The doctor we found was rather professional and he was grateful that we managed to bring a waylaid flier in. After getting her stabilized, he looked us both over, professionally sterilizing all my cuts (which hurt like hell) and dealt with the tick. I was fighting fit, if weary.

While he was checking over Fluttershy, I unloaded the crossbow and decocked it, then quietly made my way out. I ghosted my way to Twilight’s house, even though no one was out; the town was pretty well dark and empty by that time, but all the same, I didn’t want to risk running into anyone.

And then I found my bed occupied by a sleeping Pinkie Pie. I didn’t even want to deal with that shit right then, so I just backed my way out of the room, opened a window, and slept out in the tree.

When I woke up the next morning, I remembered why I never, ever did that anymore: Every muscle in my body was complaining at me. And all the cuts I had were itching. Then I rolled over, not remembering that I was still in a tree. Of course, I plummeted down, landing right next to Pinkie Pie, who had just walked out the door.

“Nice of you to dr—”

“If you finish that, I’m going to hurt you,” I groaned. I did a quick physical check, thankfully finding that while nothing seemed to be broken, one of the larger cuts had torn open again. I then staggered to my feet, trying to get inside before Pinkie Pie could remember why she wanted to see me. Almost, but no dice…

“I was waiting up for you last night, Nav. Why didn’t you ever come back?”

“I did. There was someone sleeping in my bed, so I went elsewhere to sleep.”

“Somepony sleeping in your bed? I didn’t see anypony there last night!”

“She was very pink.”

“Somepony masquerading as me, sleeping in somepony else’s bed? Sounds like an impostor is trying to ruin my good name!”

“Good name? Feh. And you’re certain that person in my bed wasn’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, I was there too. I thought you meant some other pony!”

“Interesting. Well, I’m sure you had a good reason for it.” With that, I turned back to the door. Before I could scuttle inside, I was answered.

“I did, actually. Where are you going?” To get away from you is what I was thinking, and I was tempted to answer something about the blood, but instead I just waved her to continue. God, I need some coffee... “Why did you become a human again? I thought we had plans!”

“If you’re talking about the whole you raping me thing, I don’t really think that counts.”

“That isn’t what I was talking about at all! I’m talking about the dance studio!” I’m starting to get tired of this conversation very quickly.

“That dance thing? I said I’d think about it. I did. I decided against it.”

“You didn’t like it?”

“I’m not that much of a fan of dancing,” I flatly said. “I thought we went over this.”

“I was hoping…” She sighed before shrugging, a smile returning to her face. “So why are you covered in bandages?”

Is this bitch serious? My eyes narrowed in anger, but she didn’t seem to notice a thing. God fucking damn, I hate Pinkie sometimes. “I went exploring in the forest yesterday. It didn’t go well. I got chased by a manticore, had to be saved by Fluttershy, and then was forced to go on a hunt in the dark for a downed pegasus. It was a long day, full of thorns and trips.”

“Is the pegasus okay?”

“Fuck if I know. She was fine when we left her with the doctor last night. She’s probably still there if you really want to find out.”

“Don’t you want to know?” she asked.

“Not really. I kind of want to see if Rarity ever finished modifying my clothes, so I can get a shirt on over these damn bandages.” I turned again to go inside, only to find myself getting dragged by my wings. Yet another disadvantage to them. “I take it I don’t have much of a choice in the matter, do I?” But I swear to whatever god might be listening, if we start getting anywhere near Sugarcube Corner or Rarity’s pad, I’m cutting the fucking wings off to escape.

Answering would have required spitting my wing out and letting me get away, so she just plodded on. I sighed. We got a few odd looks from other ponies, but they all knew Pinkie Pie by now and they generally tried to avoid questioning anything that I was involved in.

Thankfully, the doctor wasn’t that far from Twilight’s house. I decided that while I was there, I could get him to check me over after falling out of the tree anyway.

The nurse sitting in front of the waiting room saw me get dragged in and remarked, “Usually the only ponies that get dragged in here are here for pregnancy tests…”

“If Pinkie is fucking pregnant and I’m somehow the father, she better hold on to my wings tight before I slip away and hide for the rest of my life.”

Pinkie Pie finally spit my wing out. “We’re just here to visit that pegasus he brought in last night.”

“No, you’re here for that,” I said. “I’m here because I was literally dragged here. And while I am here, do you think you could get someone to look at some of my cuts? And make sure I didn’t break anything when I fell out of the tree?”

“How did you fall out of a tree?” the nurse asked. “You have wings…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

The nurse shook her head, smiling, and led us to the room the pegasus was recovering in, where we found Fluttershy and the doctor. Fluttershy said, “Navarone, where did you go last night? You just disappeared on us!”

“I went home. I tried to go to bed, but there was a pink furry beast in my bed. So I had a brain fart moment and decided to sleep in the tree. That ended up with me painfully falling to the ground. I don’t think anything is broken, but I ripped open one of the bigger cuts.” While I was telling Fluttershy that, Pinkie Pie was talking to the doctor about the chick we found, which turned out to be Derpy Hooves.

I didn’t really get a good view of her the night before, I was so fucking tired. I took a few steps closer to get a better look at her. The doc was saying something about being surprised she wasn’t awake yet. I was peering closer to her face, when she suddenly popped her eyes open and yelled “Hello!” right at me.

That made me jump back and holler something impolite. In my haste to get away, I bumped into a curious Pinkie Pie and almost knocked us both over. The patient sat up, giggling.

“Jesus, just give me a heart attack, why don’t you!”

“Ah, she’s awake,” the doctor said. “How are you feeling, Derpy?”

“Much better,” she said, “now that I’m not trying to fly above a never ending forest of evil.”

“Yeah, someone seriously needs to burn that fucking place down,” I muttered.

My opinion on the matter was thrust aside, of course. I did my best to quietly extricate myself, but Pinkie Pie seemed to have some kind of tracker on me; every time I got near the door, she gave me such a look of pure malevolence that it made me pretend I was just adjusting my stance. I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but that chick can be really, really scary. I don’t even know why she wanted me to stay; I barely knew the mare. All I had done was help Fluttershy carry her from the forest.

The doc was talking about boring things and I wasn’t really paying attention, so I started concocting a plan to escape. Phase one was as such: “Look over there, a distraction!” And when that inevitably failed—wait, what? How did that work?

“What are we supposed to be looking at?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Just keep looking, you’ll see it,” I assured her, as I very, very quietly backed out the door, then bolted and ran. How the hell did that work? That wasn’t supposed to work!

Now, I’ve heard stories about Pinkie Pie’s ability to catch up to people that run away; she has somehow managed to keep up with Rainbow Dash at least twice, which is just something that isn’t supposed to happen. She cannot, however, actually fly, unless she gets a device to help her. Thankfully, I can. And, as a test recently showed, I was able to stand on clouds, despite not being an actual pegasus. So as soon as I got out of the doctor’s office, I took off and alighted on a low-flying cloud to wait and see what would happen.

I mean, if she doesn’t know where I’m at, she couldn’t possibly catch me. I figured, you know, I could sort of chill out on the cloud for a few minutes and she’d lose interest. I had a lot of aches and pains to work out anyway, so it was a decent setup.

A few hours later, I was starting to wish I had just waited at the doctor. This chick was stubborn! Like, I knew she was manic depressive, but this was starting to get really, really scary. I was somewhat afraid of what might happen if I actually came down, at that point. She had probably asked everyone in the town if they had seen me at least once.

I was peeking over the edge of the cloud when a very chirpy—and dangerously loud—voice said from behind me, “Whatcha doing, Nav?” It was thankfully Rainbow Dash.

I very quickly turned and motioned her down. “Pinkie Pie is stalking me. Bitch is crazy! I know when she picks a day to hang out with you, she likes to be with you all day, but this is getting ridiculous! I’ve been up here for hours!”

“Yeah, she does that. She’s very good at finding you, too. How have you managed to stay hidden for so long?”

“I stay out of sight. She is restricted mostly to two dimensions, the x and the y axis. I have the z axis to play with, now, and there’s not much she can do with that.”

“…What?”

“I can fly and sit on clouds. She can’t. Break the line of sight with her and go straight up and she’ll never be able to find you.”

“She always manages to find me up here!”

“You stick near the ground, or in places she can get to, and she’s able to watch you go to where you hide. If you can lose her for a second and get to Cloudsdale or something, you’re set. That doesn’t mean she’ll give up, though, apparently. What happens if she doesn’t find me?”

“The last time she thought her friends ditched her, she went crazy. Literally. It was scary. Let’s not find out.”

With that, she made as if to push me off the cloud. “Wait! If you strike me down now, I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine!”

“…What?” Damn ponies.

“Look over there, a distraction!” I pointed behind her, hoping it would work. She gave me that look women give men when we say something that we should be ashamed of even trying, and then kicked me off the cloud.

I wish I could say she yelled something like “This is CLOUDSDALE!” but she didn’t know that reference either.

“You Benedict Arnold!” I yelled as I fell, until I caught myself. By then, though, the damage had been done: I had been spotted. It was too late to run and I’d just be caught and dragged back by Rainbow Dash if not by Pinkie Pie herself. Besides, Pinkie had such a look of pure joy at seeing me that I would probably feel guilty running from her. When I looked up, I saw that Rainbow Dash was peeking off the cloud, giggling. I sighed and descended.

“Where were you?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I was looking for you. I stepped outside for some air and when I went back you were gone.”

“But if I was looking for you and you were looking for me, why did it take us so long to find each other?”

“Bad luck?” Holy God, she actually bought it. This chick is simple, man. “So, why were you looking for me?”

Without answering, she bounced off, then suddenly looked back. “Are you coming?”

This. Bitch. Is. Crazy. But I followed. What other choice did I have? She was the Pepé Le Pew to my Penelope Pussycat. The only way to escape the madness was to play along.

Which, as it happens, isn’t always so bad. My only punishment for escaping her so long was having to help teach Fluttershy to dance. Though it is a whole lot harder when you’re a completely different species than the person you’re helping. But Fluttershy wasn’t wearing a showgirl outfit, which definitely reduced the awkwardness.

We muddled through it. And the reasoning of forcing me to be her partner was apparently because, as Pinkie Pie put it, “Duh, you’re a guy!” My mention of using, say, Big MacIntosh, was shot down with “He doesn’t know how to dance, silly!” I was somewhat tempted to offer to find Rainbow Dash, but that might raise questions.

All in all, though, it wasn’t that bad. It was odd, certainly, dancing with a pony as a human, but not the worst thing I had ever done.

The next day, I cheated and got all three of the fillies their Cutie marks. Yes, horrific, I know, but they were literally about to cut off some random part of my body for a ‘surgery and/or doctor oriented Cutie mark.’

I shit you not.

Now, I don’t think they were actually trying to hurt me. They had no idea what real pain is, never having known much of it themselves. Minor aches, yes, but until you have something either separated from your body or broken, you don’t know what true physical pain is. Like, I had been fucking shot back on Earth. Now that right there is some real pain, and I’ll never forget the sight of my life fluids leaking from my body as my vision slowly darkened.

These girls, though, had never felt anything like that. They had never even imagined what it would feel like. But when they suddenly found a specimen that had more extraneous extremities than usual, that were also possible to remove, they got an idea. Fluttershy apparently refused to allow them to play with any of her critters.

They figured me for a better sport. My answer to that was hell no. They might not be crazy so much as ignorant, but I thought it was better to end that shit before they actually hurt someone else, or themselves.

To that end, this conversation happened:

“Alright, I’m tired of almost dying. I was told not to mention this, but the person that told me isn’t the one getting chopped up. You want to get your Cutie marks? Here: Sweetie Belle, you’re a singer. Trust me. Scootaloo, you’re a scooter champ, or something to do with coordination or sporting. Trust me. Applebloom, you’re some kind of decorator, be it costumes or just art. Trust me. Now focus on those and please stop trying to kill me.”

“How do you know what our Cutie marks are supposed to be?” Scootaloo asked.

“Because it’s fucking obvious for everyone else. Those damn tattoos are things you’re good at and like doing, things you could see doing the rest of your life. A whole part of discovering who you are and crap.”

“Are you sure?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“No, but if I were you I’d put a lot of time and effort checking it out. I’m pretty sure, which is more than you are at this point.”

“Who told you not to tell us?” Applebloom asked. “We asked everypony for help getting our Cutie marks!”

“If I wanted you to know that, I would have mentioned it when I said I was told not to say. Just don’t tell anyone who gave you the advice when you find your talents. Go now in peace, and learn who you really are.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, of course. Sweetie Belle was not much one for singing to crowds. Shy, in a way, I suppose. She also really, really wanted to be like her sister, for whatever stupid reason.

Applebloom didn’t want to steal Sweetie Belle’s thunder by becoming something akin to Rarity and she also wanted to be more like her sister, even though apples are boring. Scootaloo was somewhat disappointed that she wasn’t a singer, but took the news the best of the three.

A bit of one-on-one counseling was needed for Sweetie Belle, so I started there and sent the other two off a bit to play around with what I told them. Though to be honest, I don’t know why it was me that was doing the damn counseling.

“Alright, think about it this way,” I said. “If you were a clothing designer, you would be in front of a crowd as much as a singer would be, just in a different way.”

“What do you mean?” the tiny marshmallow asked.

“Your clothing, your work, your heart, and your soul would be on display for everyone seeing your designs. Fashionable clothing isn’t made to be worn alone, it’s made to be displayed. Crowds will see what you make, just as surely as crowds would see you singing. And they would know you just as well either way.”

“But singing is just so much more personal!”

“Not hardly. Have you listened to half of what your sister says? She probably puts more personality in those dresses than most singers in my world put in songs. And you can be sure there will always be work for a good singer. Trust me when I say that this is probably what you need to do. Just do me the favor of trying it.”

She tentatively agreed, still somewhat fearful of the idea. Imagine her surprise when she walked away from me to find Scootaloo already sporting a Cutie mark. Yeah, I’m a bad person, whatever. But I’m a bad person that gets results.

I very quietly bailed while they were still celebrating. There would probably be hell to pay when they inevitably broke trust and told everyone I gave them advice, but whatever; at least I still had all my toes.

“Navarone, you never cease to amaze me,” Twilight said. “A surprise summoning, an amazing discovery. An interesting intellect, a new perspective. You managed to win all of our trust in an astoundingly fast time, and all of my friends became yours as well. You made friends with a reclusive princess and young ponies apparently adore you. So why, then, are you incapable of following simple instructions?”

This was, if you hadn’t noticed, part of the ‘hell to pay’. I figured, you know, the fillies would wait at least a few days before accidentally spouting off about how I said so and so. Nope, they immediately went and celebrated by telling everyone that “Navarone helped us get our Cutie marks!”

Note that at the time, only one of them even had the damn thing. Upon further questioning, instead of properly lying about how I helped them dance or some crap, they repeated most of the conversation, tactfully forgetting the part where I said ‘don’t tell anyone.’

There was now a queue of ponies lining up to make semi-angry/sideways pleasant remarks at me. Rarity and Applejack were first, of course, followed by Cheerilee, their teacher. I think Pinkie Pie just saw the line and figured that whatever it was for was worth it, and jumped in. And Rainbow Dash was also out there, for some reason. Maybe Pinkie Pie just attached herself to Rainbow Dash today.

“Well, in my defense, I did tell them not to tell anyone that it was me.” Twilight didn’t look very impressed by that. “I also had a good reason for telling them: They were asking if they could chop off a part of my body to try for a surgery Cutie mark. They were getting dangerous and I didn’t want to risk getting anyone hurt. This is safer.” She still didn’t look that happy, but I was winning her over. “It’s not like I can undo it anyway. It would have happened eventually. Those damn tattoos don’t show up unless it’s what you’re meant to do. Is it so bad that they were discovered from the advice of someone else, rather than on their own?”

That one struck home. She sighed. “I’m convinced, sadly. It’s about time it happened, though. I will say that in your favor. Still, how are you going to convince the others?”

“I was planning on hiding and letting you do that. I can go out through the balcony and be gone before they realize I left.”

“I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I accidentally brought you here. If you ever got a human pregnant, you would only show up after the kid was born and fully grown. Why are you the most dangerous species, again?”

“Because when you piss us off, we fuck shit up. And when we think we’re in the right, we have no compunctions against doing it. You’re probably right about the pregnancy. Well, good luck dealing with this one.” I turned to go, but I was forcefully detained by magic. “Going to help me hide? Good idea!” If only…

So I spent the next half hour explaining myself to some angry ponies. Well, sort of angry. They all agreed, even if only after they spent their anger, that it was about time someone set those fillies straight. As it turns out, Pinkie Pie heard the line was forming up to yell at the human, but she wasn’t told why, so she spent ten minutes yelling to me about her day. I nodded strategically, not really paying much attention. Rainbow Dash just wanted to high five me for finally doing what needed to be done, which I thought was neat.

Thankfully, I know how to play people, and was able to get out of too much abuse from Rarity and Applejack. Cheerilee was another story, but I managed to guilt trip her away. I also avoided any promises of doing anything of that manner in the future, which was a decent bonus; I wouldn’t, of course, unless I was in danger again, but it was good to know that I could. Not like I’d really need to; most of the younger kids here already had their Cutie marks, or their parents kept them away from me.

After that, things sort of died down for a while.

Fluttershy’s dancing lessons continued and I was typically her partner. Not my preferred activity, but it passed the time. And since we both had wings, Pinkie Pie found a few… interesting… things for us to try.

All three of the fillies ended up getting their Cutie marks.

Luna continued visiting me off and on. She didn’t seem as desperate for companionship as she had when I first met her, but she did seem to really enjoy spending time with me. She also told me about a few of the other friends she was making in cities around Equestria, other night owls of all kinds.

And I kept practicing with the crossbow when I had nothing better to do. I was getting ridiculously good with it. No more accidentally becoming a pony for me, not if I could help it. I’d shoot any motherfucker that tried.

Chapter Eight—Carnies, teeth, and interesting meetings

Chapter Eight—Carnies, teeth, and interesting meetings

About a month after I got the girls their Cutie marks, there was a knock on the door. Twilight was sitting in the library, stressing out about something that no one should stress about. Spike was doing whatever he does in his time off. I was telling Twilight to chill and generally just laughing at her.

When the knock came, she used magic to throw me at the door. “IF YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE, YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS!” she screamed at me before teleporting up the stairs.

I picked myself off the floor and popped my neck before opening the door. “Can I help you?” I asked the two sleazy looking pegasi standing there.

They looked at me with concern. “You’re… you’re bleeding,” one of them said.

I rubbed my lip and looked at it. Yep, that’s blood. “Yeah, I suppose I am,” I answered. “So, what do you need?”

They looked at each other and then back to me. Without a word, they both reached in and grabbed me, pulling me outside. Before I knew it, I was facing back into the library and they were holding my wings.

“Yep,” I heard one of them say. “He’s a flier.”

“Most definitely. And a very resilient one. Would be a great addition.”

“I say we go for it,” the first one said.

“Agreed.”

Without another word they shoved me back inside and pulled the door shut. Huh. I began to walk away when someone knocked again. I turned to answer it. “Can I help you?” I asked them again.

“I believe you can, strange winged ape,” one of them said. Yellow flag one. “You see, my friend and I are recruiters for a famous flight school called Vaudeville, and we would just love to have you there!” Yellow flag two.

“Uh huh,” I answered.

“Yup, that’s right!” the other one said. “And at absolutely no cost to yourself, at that!” Yellow flag three. And you’re outta here!

“I see,” I said.

“We have all manner of interesting courses and lesson plans suited for creatures of all types!”

“You don’t say.”

“No, I do say,” one of them said. “Or rather, I did say. Anyway, we think you would do great there!”

“Cool,” I said.

They looked at me expectantly. The silence went on for a little while. One of them cleared his throat.

“…Well?” one of them finally asked.

“Not interested,” I said, and started closing the door. A hoof blocked it. I opened the door slightly and slammed it closed. The hoof was still there. Oh right, they don’t even feel that. I opened the door again and stared at them. The hoof disappeared and the smiles reappeared. One of them opened his mouth.

I slammed the door before they could move or say anything and turned back into the library.

Twilight was standing there with her horn glowing, giving me the third craziest look I had ever seen from her.

I turned around and opened the door and stepped outside. “Do tell me more,” I said, closing the door behind me. Something crashed against the door. “In fact, let’s walk and talk.”

I led them off into the town. Normally, the food I eat is provided by Twilight or is given in exchange for odd jobs, as I had pretty much no pony money to my name. I had enough for… well, at least I would be allowed inside most places. I led them to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie lived and the Cake family did business.

I saw the two pegasi behind me look at each other as we approached the building. One of them muttered something about ‘real food’. “Have a seat,” I told them. “I just need to talk to a friend of mine here and I’ll be right back.”

They moved to a table and sat down with a speed I haven’t seen in a while. I went to find Pinkie Pie.

She found me first, as is her way. “Hiya Nav!” she yelled, popping out of some place she couldn’t have possibly fit in. “What’re you doing here?”

I made sure the two pegasi couldn’t hear me. “I’m hiding until Twilight calms down,” I told her. “Listen, you want to help me run two filthy Carnies out of town?”

She gave me a look. “What’s a carnie?” she asked. “Is it like a… what rhymes with carnie?”

“Carnies are people that run carnivals,” I said. Her eyes lit up. I grabbed her mouth before she shouted anything out loud. “Not those kinds of carnivals,” I told her. She practically sank. “Freak shows and the like. These two tried to pretend to be representatives of a flight school to recruit me.”

“Well that doesn’t seem very nice!” she answered, peeking her head around to look at them. She pulled her head back. “But then, they don’t look like very nice ponies…”

“Carnies are terrible people, yes,” I said. “I’m going to see if I can get them to pay for lunch. If you want to make a buck, charge them extra for everything. And if you know where Rainbow Dash is, go get her.”

“Psh, silly! Rainbow Dash is downstairs in the basement!”

This place has a basement? “Well, if you could bring her up here, that would be great. I’m going to need some help to get the bastards out of town.”

She put on a serious face and gave a perfect salute. She broke the illusion by giggling. She dropped the salute and trotted over to a side door that I had never noticed before. When she opened it, I saw that it led down.

A blue blur shot out of the basement so quickly she was hiding behind me before I realized it was Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t know you were afraid of the dark, Rainbow Dash,” I said, looking at her.

She turned her eyes over to Pinkie Pie, gulped quickly and blushed a bright red, and looked back up to me. “Yeah… dark…”

“Nav here needs your help with something, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie said in her cheerful tone.

Rainbow Dash gave me a small look of thanks and stood up straight. “Whatever you need, Nav, I’m here for you!” Her eyes flickered over to Pinkie for a second and she got a little closer to me to whisper, “As long as it takes me away from her for a little while…” For some reason, her blush got even deeper.

I patted her on the head. “You’re going to help me run some Carnies out of town,” I told her. “Right after they pay for lunch.” Her eyes grew hard at the mention of Carnies.

“Carnies, eh?” she asked, a haughtiness entering her voice. “Two pegasi?” She described them further.

“Yep,” I said. “Sleazy looking fuckers. Tried to recruit me by saying it was a flying school called Vaudeville. Stupid fucks don’t know that’s a human word too.”

Rainbow Dash was wearing a very wide grin that replaced the horror. “I’ve met them before, Nav. They tried to recruit me because of my mane.”

“…That’s natural?” I asked. She kicked me in the shin. Well, hell, her mane was fucking rainbow colored. How was I supposed to know? After I got done hopping up and down for a moment, I said, “Fine. Just follow me out there and pretend you don’t know them. After they pay, I’ll ask you what you know about Vaudeville, their faces will drop, and between the two of us we’ll throw them right the hell out. Sound fun?”

“Absolutely!” She looked at Pinkie again, then back to me. “And as payment, you’re going to hang out with me all day!” I looked down at her. She was wearing a nervous smile. I turned to Pinkie, who was staring at Dash with a smile I had seen just over a month ago. I turned back to Dash, who was starting to leak sweat. “Yep, allllll day.”

I shrugged, figuring I could get her out of a weird situation. “Fair enough, I suppose.” I was suddenly wrapped in a very tight hug. “Yes, yes, I’m awesome. Hugs later, Carnie-kicking-out now. And hopefully free food.”

The two of us walked back into the main room. The dirty fucks at the table stopped talking as soon as I came into view and flinched when Rainbow Dash stepped in behind me. One of them put on a really bad poker face.

When Rainbow Dash didn’t say anything, they seemed to sag. I sat at the table. “Well,” I said.

They continued making things up about the ‘school’. Pinkie came out wearing a ridiculous French maid outfit that I had never seen before and never wanted to see again, but caught the eyes of all three of my companions.

Thankfully, the Cakes still served some of that human food I taught Pinkie how to make. She took orders and departed, swishing her tail slightly and waggling her hindquarters quite a bit more than I thought was necessary.

I looked up and noticed six wings spread out fully as each of them watched her depart. I sighed. “Okay, as the only one here who has actually hit that,” I said, “stop watching her. She’s a freak, yes, but please!”

Rainbow Dash turned to look at me so quickly that her neck popped. A blush was slowly creeping down her face. The other two were slower in returning their gazes. “Now,” I said, leaning in a bit. “Tell me a bit more, would you?”

They did with glee. They thought they were going to get a new freak to show off, after all.

Pinkie came back in a few moments later, still wearing that ridiculous French maid outfit. She set the plates down normally and whatnot, but dropped Rainbow Dash’s spoon. Somehow it landed a few feet behind her. “Oops, silly me!” she giggled. She turned around and very slowly bent over to pick it up, swishing her tail aside and that’s when I decided to stop looking. I turned back when she was standing normally again. “I guess I’ll just have to… clean it off for you,” she whispered seductively, slowly licking the spoon clean before I turned away again. Okay, what the fuck, Pinkie? I mean, seriously!

She set the spoon down and walked away the same way she did before. Rainbow Dash’s small blush had turned into a fully-fledged one and I was starting to think she could pass as a smaller body double for Big MacIntosh. I heard one of the two carnies whisper to the other, “We need to come to Ponyville more often!”

We began to eat quite heartily after that. There was little talking. We all heard Pinkie before she began to come down again and the two carnies and Rainbow Dash were looking to the door with a hopeful expression.

And in walked Pinkie Pie.

In full dominatrix gear.

Their mouths dropped. All three of them. I just looked on impassively.

Pinkie glared. “You better have my money,” she growled, cracking a whip somehow. The two carnies looked at each other. One looked terrified. The other had a disturbingly excited look on his face. I heard Rainbow Dash gulp.

“You guys are covering this, right?” I asked them. The terrified one turned his gaze to me while the excited one looked to Pinkie, who had pulled out another—Oh my God what is that?

Now I was gaping. The terrified one saw my look and slowly turned his gaze back. He let out a very, very scared sound and dropped his entire coin purse on the table before dragging his friend out despite his protests. Rainbow Dash turned to follow them, but I grabbed her tail before she could get anywhere. She fell on the floor and decided to go into a fetal position.

Pinkie Pie dropped all of her… things, and joined me at the table. “Well, Nav?” she asked, giggling.

I opened the coin purse and dumped it on the table. “Enough for lunch,” I said. “And quite a nice tip besides.” I stood and bowed slightly. “You were an excellent waitress, my dear,” I told her, standing up straight again.

She answered me with a giggle and “Any time, Nav! And if you ever want to… well, you know!”

I dropped my smile. “No.” She was looking at me with a disturbing intensity. There was nothing else to say. Eventually she sighed lightly and turned her gaze to Rainbow Dash instead. I followed it. “Come along, Rainbow,” I said, “We have to make sure those carnies are gone.”

No answer.

“Look, Dashie,” I said. She flinched at Pinkie’s nickname for her. “I remember my deals. Let’s go.” Nothing. I grabbed her tail and began to drag her out. She started making little noises as soon as she was turned to face Pinkie. I looked back to see Pinkie smiling at me and waving. I shrugged and turned around. The noises began again. I didn’t stop.

Well, I did stop and turn around at the door. “Pinkie?” I said.

“Yes, Nav?” She fluttered her eyelashes.

“Go change before Mrs. Cake sees you and has a heart attack.” Or Mr. Cake sees you and reconsiders his marriage.

She blinked and her smile dropped for a second before returning full force. “Okie dokie lokie!” I dragged Dash out the rest of the way.

When we got outside, I managed to revive Dash well enough to get her to stand. “Now, let’s go hunting carnies,” I said when she was back on her feet. I looked around. They were nowhere to be seen. “Well, this sucks.”

Rainbow Dash suddenly flinched. I heard her muttering to herself. I let her have her moment. After a few seconds, she nodded. “Alright, let’s go!” she finally exclaimed. She looked back at the shop and flinched slightly. “Away from here,” she whispered, shuddering.

We were walking for a few minutes looking for them, talking. “I don’t care why the Cakes let her do stuff like that,” I was saying, “What I want to know is, where the fuck does she get that stuff? I mean, a dominatrix suit? Really?”

Rainbow Dash was looking less and less enthusiastic with each word. “Look, Nav, I don’t really want to tal—There they are!” Her enthusiasm returned when we saw the two carnies talking to each other near the library.

We walked up to them and heard them talking. “I’m telling you man, this place is crazy! Let’s just cut our losses and get out of here!”

“And I say we forget the weird ape thing and take the pink mare instead!”

The other one rolled his eyes. “Ever since Trixie left, you’ve been trying to find somepony else to abuse you like that. I’m tired of it!”

This was getting into things I didn’t want to hear. I cleared my throat and saw them looking up at me with fear.

“Oh, hello!” the one with the bad poker face said. “We were just talking about you!”

“I see,” I answered. “Tell me, what was the name of your school again?”

Their eyes flicked to Rainbow Dash and then back to me. One of them gave off a little laugh and answered with a sheepish tone, “Tuskegee Institute…?” Seriously?

Bad poker face is bad.

“Really?” I said. “Because I think I remember you calling it something else earlier. Tell me Rainbow Dash, you know everything about flight schools in Equestria, right?”

She smiled and nodded eagerly.

“Have you ever heard of a place called Vaudeville?”

Her smile diminished a bit. “Can’t say that I have, Nav.” The carnies looked at each other. She continued, “At least, not in a flying school kinda way. I have heard of Vaudeville, though.” She looked at the two carnies, who were starting to sweat bullets. “It’s a traveling carnival that recruits all manner of weird things to use as entertainment. I’m sure these two refined gentlecolts wouldn’t be from that Vaudeville, though,” she finished with a sweet smile.

I heard one of the two carnies gulp as they turned their gaze back to us. “Well, Mr. Ape sir,” one of them said, “It really has been a pleasure! But I see you’re a busy… thing… and we think you might not quite be what we wanted!”

The other continued, “We’ll just be on our w—” My hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat. The other fellow took off immediately. I waved Rainbow Dash down while I dragged this fellow closer. It was fucking hard, too; these ponies are strong as hell.

I leaned my face in close since I couldn’t pick this guy up. “I may be a freak, but at least I’m not an asshole.” I snarled. “Get the hell out of my town, you filthy fucking carnie.” I let him go and he took a deep breath before flying the fuck away.

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who finally decided to stop holding in her laughter. “Well, what now, Dashie?” I asked her. She suddenly found a reason to stop laughing after that.

She looked around herself with suspicion and flinched when she saw something. I turned my gaze that way and saw Pinkie waving and smiling again. I waved back and turned to Dash, who was now hiding behind me.

“Let’s go flying, Nav…” she whispered, peeking around me.

“Alright,” I answered. “I could always use the practice.” The rest of the day was spent chilling with Rainbow Dash. It was pretty alright.

When I got back to the library, I found Spike sitting on the front steps. “Well?” I asked.

He shook his head.

I walked up behind him and opened the library door just in time to see a book flying at me. I slammed the door shut and heard a loud thud.

I joined Spike on the steps. “Applejack?” I finally asked.

“Applejack,” he answered. I lifted him on my back and we started off to Applejack’s farm. She always had spare beds and was usually willing to let a friend borrow one as long as that friend didn’t fuck anything up while there. Most of her beds were small for me, but then most of all the beds in this world were small for me.

We made good time to the farm and when I knocked on the door Applebloom merrily answered with all her usual fanfare at seeing me. Namely, a running jump hug that knocked me back a few feet.

Yeah, she was really happy that I helped with her cutie mark.

I set Spike down and asked, “You guys mind if we borrow a bed or two?”

She nodded, “Just gotta ask Applejack or Granny Smith!” She sprinted back inside. Too much energy.

Applejack came to the door. “What’re y’all two doin’ here?” she asked with her typical southern twang. “Don’t y’all have your own beds?”

Spike and I looked at each other. He nodded to me. I answered, “Twilight is having one of her little breakdowns. I dealt with that shit for a few hours and Spike dealt with it for a few more hours. Neither of us want to deal with it anymore. Can we borrow a bed or two?”

She looked at us both. Spike did his best to look downtrodden and as baby-ish as he could. She finally rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fine. But if Twilight comes to claim y’all, you ain’t gonna get a lick of help from any of us.”

“Thanks, AJ,” I said. “Today has just been a really weird day.” She shook her head, letting us both in.

The next morning, I woke up to a filly on my back. “Dafuq?” I muttered, turning over to see what was standing on me.

There was a loud, “MEEP!” and then something tumbled to the floor.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes and then looked down. “Applebloom, why are you on the floor?” I asked.

She looked up at me with her evil sad face. “Because you knocked me down!” she whimpered, sticking her lip out slightly.

I was too tired this time to be affected as I had been the last… well, several times. Holy fuck, I must be really tired. “Well,” I said, “I hope you learned your lesson.” Then I turned back over and closed my eyes again.

I immediately opened them when I felt her back on my back. She jumped up and down a few times. I curled into a ball. She continued jumping, inured to my plight.

“You gotta get up, Nav!” she yelled. “Twilight’s here to get you!”

“Fuck that shit,” I moaned. “She’s just gonna throw stuff at me some more!”

She stopped jumping. “What do those words mean?”

How has she never heard me say them before? “They mean things little fillies shouldn’t know about,” I said. “Now get out and let me sleep.” I imagined she rolled her eyes, which I would have found amusing if I had been able to see it. I heard her clop down to the floor.

“Fine,” she said. “But you’re gonna get it!”

I didn’t say anything.

I didn’t say anything when Twilight came up five minutes later, either. “Get up, Nav,” she said. I popped an eye open. Seeing Twilight, I slammed it closed. “I’m not going to ask again. We have work to do!”

“How did you even find me?” I groaned.

“Pinkie Pie knew where you were,” she said. “Now get up and stop intruding on Applejack.”

Fucking Pinkie Pie. I rolled over, turning my back to Twilight.

She sighed. I felt something yank at my wings, dragging me off the bed. I hit the floor and didn’t move. “I’m not going to drag you all the way back to the library, Nav,” she said.

“Good, that means you’ll give up and let me sleep some more.”

“No, that means I’ll do what it takes to make you get up now so I don’t have to drag you back.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. “Fine!” I said, pushing myself to my feet. “I have a bed at the library too!”

She nodded, smiling. “That’s better! Now, where’s Spike?”

I shrugged. “Next door, I guess.”

She rolled her eyes. “Come on then, Nav. Your first task of the day is to get Spike up.”

“Aww, do I have to?” She looked at me with a bit of fierceness until she realized I was just being difficult. “Jeez, Twilight, chill the fuck out. You are way too uptight. I swear you need to get laid or something!”

Her eyes opened wide and she blushed so red I immediately thought of Rainbow Dash. I just shook my head, smiling, and went to look for Spike.

I found him where I predicted. “Yo Spike, time to wake up,” I said, poking him.

He groaned and swatted at me.

I was not amused. I bent down to his… ear? I think it was his ear; it was hard to tell with all the little spine things jutting off his head. “Psst, Rarity’s here,” I whispered to him, and quickly pulled back and did my best to look nonchalant.

He jumped right out of bed. “WHERE!”

I looked at him, pretending to be confused. “Where what, Spike?”

He looked at me with madness in his eyes. “I heard somepony say Rarity was here!”

The confusion turned to concern. “You’re hearing things, man,” I said. “Or maybe it was just a dream. Either way, we gotta go. Twilight’s here and she’s decided to stop having a fit. Time for us to earn our meals.”

He looked at his warm bed. His warm, full-sized bed—at Twilight’s library he sleeps in a basket. He turned back to me. “Do we have to?”

“Yep,” I answered, picking him up and slinging him over a shoulder.

I felt his elbows go to my back, as he propped his head up with his hands. “Things were so much easier back in Canterlot,” he reminisced. “Whenever Twilight would start to have a fit, Princess Celestia would just come by and calm her right down…”

I started to walk out the door. “Between you and me, Spike, Twilight needs to get fucking laid.” Between him and me and Twilight and all of the Apple family, actually: They were all standing in the hall when I said that. “Oh uh… Hi guys!” I said, setting Spike down.

Twilight was looking at the floor, turning even more shades of red. Big Mac was wearing a silly little grin, looking at the wall. Applejack was alternating her gaze between me and Twilight, cracking up. Applebloom was looking at me with confusion. Granny Smith was wearing her own little smile, staring at me with an intensity I wasn’t quite comfortable with. And Spike was just plain laughing his ass off.

“So Applejack… Can I borrow that bed for a few more nights?” I sheepishly asked. Applejack finally burst out laughing.

Applebloom finally asked, “What’s… laid?”

Now Granny Smith was cracking up.

“You know what,” I said, “I think I’m just going to stay with Rainbow instead…”

Twilight sighed and grabbed me and the still-laughing Spike with magic and dragged us back to Ponyville.

Some time later, I shattered some teeth. Well, it wasn’t actually me that shattered them, but they were my teeth. Honestly, I’m just lucky my entire jaw wasn’t broken…

I was playing hoofball—football—with the extended Apple family and a few other friends when Applejack pretty much bucked me right in the face. I went flying backwards, dropping the ball. My head felt like it had been put through an engine block, and I was spitting up enough blood that it looked like I had just bitten a chunk out of someone.

After hundreds of apologies and a quick trip to the doctor, I was diagnosed with a serious case of missing half of my teeth. And a concussion, but that wasn’t really permanent. Given my diagnosis, I was prescribed a trip to the dentist.

Colgate.

Colgate… I haven’t written about my past experience with her, because she scares me. The first time I went to her—to get a specialized toothbrush—she freaked the fuck out over my canines. I didn’t know if she was aroused or terrified or both. I just know that me getting a toothbrush turned into me getting hit with a lot of laughing gas and not remembering what happened next. I woke up with my teeth shined to perfection and a minty taste that didn’t leave me for a few days. I also had a toothbrush and a card that said ‘call me’ on it. Ponies don’t have phones.

I avoided her from then out.

Sadly, that wasn’t exactly an option, given what happened. My teeth were fucked and I needed them fixed. Thankfully, Applejack agreed to sit with me, since it was her fault my teeth were busted. We got to Colgate’s… I hesitate to call it an office, but I guess that’s the closest word for it. There was no line, since it would take a foolhardy person to visit her more often than they needed.

Colgate was sitting at the front desk, wielding a large, bright smile towards the door. She was a light blue unicorn with a darker blue and white mane. I stopped when I stepped inside, afraid to go any farther, but Applejack pushed me in. “Ya gotta get your teeth fixed, Nav. Even if it’s by… Colgate!” AJ had just gotten in and saw her staring at us with that smile. “Uh. Hi. Nav here has some broken teeth and we were hoping you could fix him up.” She sounded a bit uncertain.

Before either of us could react, Colgate was across her desk and pulling me to her back room. “I’ll have to take a look, but I should be able to fix him right up. Anything for my favorite patient!” AJ moved to follow us, but Colgate said, “You just wait out here, now. I’ll take gooood care of him!”

I looked imploringly at AJ. She saw my look and said, “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I watched, would ya? I uh… I want to see what happens?” Applejack is easily the worst liar I have ever seen. This was one of the only times I ever saw her even try to say something that wasn’t true.

Colgate shook her head. “Don’t you worry about him a second. I’ll just take a look-see and have him back out in, oh…” She looked me up and down and her smile somehow grew wider. “An hour or three.”

“Three hours?!” AJ sputtered. “Why would it take that long?”

“Well, if his teeth are busted out, I’ll have to regrow them! And since they’re broken, I’ll have to file them down so they won’t be jagged.” This was sounding worse and worse, making my wings droop. “I mean, if he can’t even talk, surely it’s pretty bad.” I sighed. She saw the state of my wings and said, “Cheer up, Nav! I’m sure I can keep you distracted through the excruciating pain.” My eyes widened as she yanked me the last step and slammed the back door behind me.

Before I could recover, she threw me onto a chair made for ponies and lowered it back, leaving my upper body to dangle onto the floor. “Oh yeah, forgot about that!” She pulled an ottoman from somewhere and put most of my upper body on it, letting my wings dangle under me. “Now let’s get a look at tho—Sweet Celestia!” She had my mouth open, looking at what was left of my teeth. “How did this even happen?” I tried to say something, but nothing articulate came out. “AJ bucked you in the mouth? That was rude of her!” Well, I didn’t think it was anything articulate. I guess she can understand mouth-open speak.

She poked one of the remnants of my teeth with some tool or something and I flinched. “I bet that hurt, huh?” What the fuck kind of doctor are you? I gurgled as much. “Oh, I never went to a medical school. I’m not a doctor!” I think my pupils shrank at that and I tried to push my way up but she threw me back down with magic. “You have to sit still for the dentist, silly! Now let’s see, how did that spell go again?” She left me struggling in the chair and walked over to a table. She picked up a book and walked back over. I saw the title was Dentistry for Dummies. Who even makes something like that? “Ah!”

Her horn lit up and she bent it down to my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a massive amount of pain. I felt nothing. I hesitantly opened one eye to see her sitting back, watching me with a smirk. “Psh, did you really think I would use a spell that hurt you while you weren’t even sedated?”

“Hng?”

“That spell is painless. Your teeth should be back in an hour or so. I wasn’t lying about having to file them down, though. We won’t actually use a file, mind, but it’ll probably be uncomfortable.” I gurgled something. “Because the look on your face was priceless!” I gurgled something else. “Oh, no. I’m still going to do that. I just wanted to see your face before I started.” My eyes had time to widen before the gas mask was forced over my face. I had time to struggle before I was completely out.

I woke up to find myself on Applejack’s back. She was carrying me somewhere. I lifted my head and noticed that I actually had all of my teeth. “Oh good, you’re finally awake.” AJ stopped to let me stand. I stumbled slightly, my head still dizzy.

“What… what happened?”

“That crazy dentist did something to your teeth. Looks like they’re all back!”

I grit my teeth, using my tongue to feel them all. “Yep, looks like they’re all there. She even got the canines right!”

“Canines? You have dog teeth?”

“Ah, no. That’s just what they’re called.”

“Why do you have sharp teeth, anyway? You don’t need teeth like that to eat our food!”

“Uh… They’re so we can crack open fruits and nuts easier.” Bold-faced lie.

“Oh. Huh. Well, you think you’re good to get home? I need to get back to helpin’ the family.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for looking after me.”

“Hey, it was my fault you were out of it anyway. I’ll try to be more careful next time.” I waved her off and continued back to the library.

One day, I had an unexpected visitor at a very unexpected hour. It isn’t very often that you get woken up at three in the morning by a princess, after all.

“Navarone,” said the voice that was bothering me. Then I felt another prod on my back, something cold and unwelcome against my bare flesh. I unconsciously swatted at it with one of my wings, since my arms were too busy being asleep. She began sputtering and I felt a feather land on my back. “Cease this foolishness and awaken!”

“Fuck off,” I groaned, turning away from her.

“Should you not awaken, I shall do something you will regret.” Of course, I paid her no mind. “So be it. I hope you enjoy swimming.” Wait, what?

Then there was the pop of teleportation and suddenly I was lying on a lake that was completely covered in ice as the howling snow wove around me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep for much longer after that, especially since I wasn’t wearing a shirt. My bare chest was up against the ice, which was an absolutely horrible and painful feeling.

I was still too tired to realize what the fuck just happened, but I knew that suddenly I was extremely cold and I didn’t want to be cold anymore. But it was also completely dark with cloud cover, so I had no idea where the fuck I was. Since it felt like I was on the ice, just about anywhere would be better than where I was, so I scrambled to my feet, wrapped my wings around myself as best I could, and started walking.

Not a minute later, I teleported out again, this time to stand in front of a smiling Luna who immediately stopped smiling when she saw me. “Why aren’t you covered in water?”

“It’s f-fucking winter!” I yelled, my teeth chattering like crazy.

“...Oh.”

And then I shook my head to prove that yes, I was covered in water, just water of the more frozen kind. She flinched when some of the melting snow hit her. “Fuck, it’s c-cold...” I muttered, looking around. We were now in the foyer of the library instead of my room. “I’m going back to bed. I bet it’s warm there.”

“Nay, I’m afraid not,” Luna said, using magic to stop me. “Come close. Proximity shall warm you while we talk.”

“A blanket would be better,” I sighed as I was tugged with magic into a more physical grip. One of her wings went around my shoulder as she led me to a large open space on the floor.

“But a friend should not let her friend suffer, correct?”

“Then why’d you throw me out in the snow?”

“I needed you awake,” she replied, sitting down and forcing me down with her. When she had me next to her, the wing tightened its grip and she leaned her head onto my shoulder. “There. Now you shall warm up quickly.”

“So soft,” I sighed, my body slumping down in its tiredness.

“Do not fall asleep again yet, Nav. Do you remember my offer?”

“N-no.”

“It involved meeting my sister.”

“Not ringin’ any bells.” She snorted. “I’m tired. And I’ve had shit on my mind.”

“Hm. We spoke of you meeting my sister some time in the future. That time has come. My sister will have some time free in the coming days. I believe it is time you met her. And she agrees. After hearing about you for so long from Twilight, she believes it is time to meet Equestria’s unique resident.”

Only from Twilight? “And you couldn’t have told me this when I woke up? Or earlier today?”

“I have a busy schedule as well. I came to get you when I could.”

“...Get me? We’re going to Canterlot?”

“Indeed. I will give you a few more moments to warm up and then you must pack what you will need for a day or two at the castle. I suggest traveling lightly.”

“This is… your sister we’re talking about. The one that will smite me if I’m not on my best behavior? Or if I’m not dressed just perfectly? Or if I don’t address her in just the right way?”

“What? No!” she replied with shock on her tongue. “‘Tia is no brute, no monster! Why wouldst thou even think so?”

“Watch your language,” I sighed, popping my neck to give me a moment to think. “The way everyone speaks about her, she sounds like a monster. Rarity told me that if I ever met her, I just absolutely had to look my best or there’s no telling what she’d do. Twilight told me that I would have to learn perfect manners and how to address her properly or the princess would banish me. Almost everyone just seems absolutely horrified of her. No one gets that kind of reputation without a reason.”

She sniffed and looked away. “There is no reason for my sister to have such a reputation. True, in our earlier years, she was more of a hothead, but she has since been cooled and molded into a more proper shape. How she allowed such a reputation to come to be, I do not know.” She was silent for a few seconds, thinking. Eventually she said, “Well… Perhaps it is for the best that the common ponies know not to bother her. We must be aloof from the common population. I forgot that in my… time away.”

“Why?” I asked. She blinked, surprised. “Why would you need to hold yourself aloof?”

“It is… not proper,” she said after a few more seconds of thought.

“Says who? You two are the prime princesses of the planet, right? Don’t you get to decide what’s proper?”

“...My sister and I live longer than do our subjects. It is not wise to form lasting relationships with them.”

“And yet here you are, your wing around me. We’re friends, aren’t we? Are you saying that’s a bad thing?”

As soon as I mentioned her wing, it flinched, but didn’t pull back. She did look away, though, blushing. “We… we are above them. It isn’t proper!”

“And now you’re just using rehearsed lines.”

That got her to pull away. “Go pack, Navarone,” she somewhat coldly said. “I will remain here.”

“What about Twilight?” I asked as I stood. “If I just disappear, she’ll be worried.”

“I will leave her a note,” she replied. “Now hurry. The sooner you return, the sooner you can begin sleeping again.”

“Amen to that,” I wearily sighed, trudging to the stairs. When I got to the room I came to call my own, I realized I had no way of packing anything. No bags or anything. So I just shrugged and pulled out the robes I used for the Halloween costume, threw a few sets of clothes in the center of them, got more fully dressed myself, tied the bundle up, and walked on back down to where Luna waited.

“What does ‘amen’ mean?” she asked when I got back down.

“It’s… a word we use to conclude a prayer. Or to show we agree with something.”

“And a prayer?” she asked. “I don’t think I’ve heard that term.”

I sighed, my wings drooping. “I’m tired, Luna. And didn’t you just say you were running low on time?”

“Avoiding the question only increases my desire to know the answer,” she said with a smile, stepping closer.

“Uh huh. Well, unless you feel like carrying me to a bed in the palace, I suggest you get us there soon or I’ll fall asleep standing up.”

“Ugh. So be it. But do not think I will forget this, Navarone.” My answer was a well-timed yawn. “Prepare yourself. I do not think you have had a long distance teleportation trip yet.”

“Nope. How bad can it—” The sound of everything disappearing cut me off. It was only for a second before we reappeared somewhere completely different. “—be?” I casually finished, not really perturbed.

“Wait a moment.” I did and almost immediately felt nauseous. She noticed my face and said, “It will pass. Too much magic build-up in somepony relatively unused to it causes some minor physical discomfort. But nothing dangerous.”

“Oh God…” I sighed, rubbing at my head with my free hand.

“And now you speak of this… God. You have mentioned him before.”

“Bad Luna. Where’s my bed?”

She rolled her eyes and said, “We are currently in the teleportation chamber. Come. I shall lead you to your bedchamber.”

“Awesome.” She started walking out of the smallish room and I followed. “So do I get a personal maid or anything while I’m here?”

“...Do you desire one?” she dubiously asked.

“Eh. I like the outfits.” She looked at me in surprise. “But… never mind. Don’t even worry about it.”

“So you finally started finding us attractive, hm?” she asked, smiling.

“That’s why I said never mind. I’m tired and still thinking about humans. Don’t worry about it.”

Her eyes narrowed and she turned back. “You will need a guide, of course. The palace is large. I cannot be with you at all times, nor can my sister. I was going to assign a guard to you, but a maid is as good as anything.”

“That’s very unnecessary,” I hastily said. “Not the guide part, mind. But it doesn’t have to be a maid!”

“You requested it. I shall assign a member of the staff to you before you awaken come the morning.”

“Dammit,” I sighed. “Well, I dug this grave myself. Might as well lie in it.”

Her head jerked to me when I mentioned a grave. “Thou wouldst die over such an offense?!”

“Jesus, calm down. It’s a saying from my world. Death there’s a bit more common than it is here, it seems. We joke about it to keep it off our mind. That’s one of the jokes.”

She swatted me with her tail and continued walking again. “Be wary of what you say, Nav. Ponies are very different from humans. Many might have done something rash if you had said such a thing near them.”

“Then I’ll be more wary. At least I haven’t told anyone that I should have just died at birth yet.”

Once again, she looked at me in some mild horror. “Such a statement is… monstrous. Even for a culture that glorifies death, how do you justify such a thing?”

“Because I’m a terrible person. Now can we hurry this up? I’m missing out on some really cool dreams because of this.”

She snorted and increased her gait. “You’re lucky you can dream.”

“...Why? Doesn’t everyone?”

“Yet another difference between our worlds, it appears. Dreaming here is a rare thing, without magical assistance that I currently lack. But that is a discussion for another time. These will be the quarters in which you stay.” Her horn lit up and the door opened, revealing a nice and swanky little apartment.

“Nice place,” I said, entering the room. “No roommates, right?”

“You sleep here alone, unless you would prefer company.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” I said, tossing my robe full of clothing into the corner.

“The bed has plentiful blankets,” she said with a nod toward it. “But if you require more heat, a fire can be set.”

“What? No, it’s fine in here. Wait, shit. ‘Cool’ in that sense is slang. It’s alright the way it is. Sorry, I keep forgetting you don’t know much lingo.”

“I’m learning more,” she quickly replied, perhaps trying to save face or something. “Is there anything else you require before I leave you?”

“Is there an alarm clock or something? Or do I have a schedule I need to follow?”

She nodded and said, “Your maid shall have everything you need to know with her. And she shall be your alarm clock, unless you wake up before she arrives.”

“Alright then. I’m going to bed. Oh, and please make sure she knows I’m not a pony. I don’t want to wake up to screams and then guards.”

“That will not be an issue,” she replied with a nod. “Sleep well and dream easy, Nav.”

“I’ll try. Have fun with your work.”

She just rolled her eyes before departing, pulling the door shut behind her with magic.

“Well shit,” I said to no one in particular, kicking my shoes off and emptying my pockets. Wasn’t expecting to be sleeping in a palace tonight… At least the bed is nice. And soon enough, I was asleep.

A horribly bright light woke me up some time in the morning. “It’s time to wake up,” what should have been a soothingly pleasant voice said. If it wasn’t attached to the person that presumably opened the blinds, I would have been more tempted to get up. Instead I rolled over, away from the sun. “The princess is expecting you, sir. You need to get up.”

“...Princess?” I muttered, not remembering the events of the night before.

“Oh, yes! Princess Celestia is expecting to see you at breakfast this morning.”

That’s when I realized the bed I was in wasn’t very familiar and neither was the voice of the person that was talking to me. I jerked upright, looking around in surprise. “Where… am I?”

“Canterlot Castle!” the lady happily answered. I slowly turned my head her way, beholding a pale blue unicorn with hair a brighter purple than Rarity’s. Her bright green eyes met my dark green pair. “Um… Is that a problem?”

Thankfully, the memories of what happened the night before were coming back at that point. “...Nah. How long do I have before breakfast?”

“Oh, another hour,” she replied, walking over to where I left my clothes.

“Why are you waking me up so early?” I asked, stretching.

“So you can get ready! Are these dirty?”

“Nope. And I don’t need an hour to get ready. I’d need, like, at most fifteen minutes.”

“If they’re clean… why are they on the floor?” she asked, turning back to face me.

“Are you saying the floor isn’t clean?” I asked with a smirk on my face.

“Of course it is! Princess Celestia wouldn’t allow any of her guests to have a dirty room!”

“Then what’s wrong with my clothes on the floor?”

“It’s dir—Oh. It’s improper!”

“That’s weird. I happen to think it’s perfectly proper, if the floor’s clean.” She opened her mouth to respond, but I wasn’t in the mood to pay attention, so I just kept going. “And since I’m awake anyway, I might as well take a shower. So uh… Where’s the bathroom?”

“In the door to the right,” she said, nodding at it. “Everything within is suited for minotaurs. Princess Luna assured me that what would be fitting for them would be fitting for you.”

“Awesome. So are you going to come back in forty-five minutes or something to get me?”

“What? Of course not! I am to help you bathe, sir.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But Princess Luna said that I was to attend you at all times!”

“That’s too damn bad. Either I go without showering or you stay away from me while I do shower.”

“But… I have to follow her orders!”

“Didn’t she say to make sure I was comfortable?”

“No! She said to obey her orders, no matter what.”

“...Oh. Well shit. What were her orders?”

“She… she ordered me not to tell you.”

Oh boy. “What if I said please?” I asked, putting on what I was hoping was a winning smile.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t…”

I sighed and said, “Can you at least just let me take a shower in peace?”

“No. Orders…”

Well, fuck. “Hey, can you just go ask her if it’s okay if I take a shower alone? I’m sure she’ll be reasonable about it.”

“It would be much easier if you just let me wash you! Nopony else minds.”

“Yeah, but they aren’t humans. For us, it’s a massive taboo to be seen naked by anyone that we aren’t very closely familiar with. Just tell Luna that and I’m sure she’ll understand.”

She sighed and looked at a clock before saying, “Oh, very well… I’ll be back shortly, sir. Don’t go anywhere without me!”

“I’ll be right here,” I said, smiling. She nodded once before trotting out the door.

As soon as she was gone, I hopped out of bed, grabbed some clothes from the bundle I brought, and jumped in the shower. It didn’t take me long to figure it out, since all Equestrian showers are standardized. Soon, I was getting nice and clean in a royal shower. Since I had no idea how long it would take the maid, I made sure it was a very short one, just long enough to wash everything.

As soon as I got back into the main room, fully clothed and mostly dry, the lady trotted back in. “Princess Luna said I absolutely must—why are you wet?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, stringing out some of my wet hair. “Luna said what?”

“Your hair! Your hair is wet! I can see the water falling from it right now!”

“Is it?” I held up the strand I was twisting and hmm’d. “Well now, looks like it is. Wonder how that happened.”

“...Did you take a shower?”

“Maybe.”

She stomped her two front hooves in anger. “I was supposed to help you! Princess Luna said I must!”

I shrugged and replied, “I think I’ve more than proved I’m capable of taking a shower for myself. Now, what do we do for the next forty-five minutes?” At her narrowed eyes, I knew I might have a problem. “Hey, don’t tell me you’re mad!” Then her horn lit up. “Come on, we can talk this out!” I felt myself getting pushed back into the bathroom as she advanced. “No! I’ll be good later, I promise!”

She gave me a very dark smile as she closed the door behind her and began removing my clothing. “Oh, I know you will.”

...It’s a good thing she woke me up an hour early. We needed all that extra time for her… ugh, bathing session.

When we finally finished, I felt very much like I needed an adult. But as she assured me herself when I yelled that, she was an adult.

“And you thought you could get ready in fifteen minutes,” she said with a giggle.

“I hate you,” I sighed, smacking away the comb she was trying to run through my hair. The hair that was in a ponytail, mind.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic! If you hadn’t been so recalcitrant, that would have gone much smoother.”

“And if you had been willing to just let it go, we wouldn’t be running late right now.”

“WE’RE LATE?!” Without even stopping to check the clock, she grabbed my hand with her mouth and started galloping down the hall, dragging me along behind her. Of course, we weren’t late. But judging by the speed at which my maid ran, she was utterly terrified of the possibility. When we got outside of a random, nondescript door, she ground to a halt, losing her grip on me and sending me to the floor. “Get up! There’s no time for more sleeping!” Some magic took hold of me, propping me up but doing little to abate the pain I now had from being tossed to a tile floor. “Now remember, be on your best behavior!” Then she licked a hoof and rubbed it against my face to remove some imaginary stain before opening the door and shoving me through, then pulling it shut behind me.

The room was bereft of other occupants, so thankfully no one saw how I stumbled in. It also gave me some time to look around the room and learn where things were. The only important thing that I saw was a table with six seats, four in the middle and one on each end. Behind one of the chairs was a rising sun and behind the other, a waxing moon. The table itself was well-polished but bare wood. There was only one other door in the room, leading somewhere else. Only six plates, each with a basic set of silverware, and a single candelabra adorned the table. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was just the dining room of a well-to-do family instead of royalty.

But I knew better. Still, that didn’t stop me from walking to the other side of the table and sitting in the chair next to what I was assuming was Luna’s side of the table. Then I just waited.

After getting woken up the night before and then much earlier than I’m used to, I was feeling really tired, even after the excitements of the morning. My head was on the table and I might have dozed off when a quietly cleared throat got my attention. I flinched off the table and looked to my right, where Luna was now sitting.

“You’re really quiet,” I said, blinking the sleep out of my eyes.

“Greetings, Navarone,” a new and different voice said from my left. My head panned that way and a large white horse filled my eyes. She had wings and a horn, like Luna. And she was wearing a much larger crown and a large gold neck bangle. Her hair was a mix of pastel colors, flowing in the wind like Luna’s does at night. Her eyes were a dark pink. She seemed… tired.

Alright, meeting a new princess. Act natural. “...Hello, Princess,” I said as casually as I could. “Sorry for uh… being asleep.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. My sister told me she woke you up quite late last night. And from the reports that Twilight has been sending, you don’t tend to be awake this early.”

Twilight sends a lot of fucking reports, doesn’t she? “Not usually, no,” I replied. “And having a maid forcing me into a bathtub against my will didn’t help wake me up, either,” I added, giving Luna a very pointed look. I looked back to her sister when she began to talk.

“You have an aversion to being clean?” Celestia asked, somewhat confused. “That isn’t something that was mentioned.”

“To my people, it’s a massive taboo to be seen naked by anyone that we don’t know very well. And even more of one to be… bathed by another.”

Luna snorted and said, “You will never settle in well should you not begin accepting our customs instead of yours, Nav.”

Celestia said something before I could. “And we should not make a guest uncomfortable, Luna. If he finds it awkward to be bathed, then he shall no longer be bathed. It is an ancient tradition that fell out of favor long ago, anyway. Where you found a maid that would be willing to do such a thing, I don’t know.”

“More than willing,” I muttered, rubbing my hands together under the table.

“What was that, Navarone?” Celestia asked.

“She seemed… overeager to please,” I said, louder. “I tricked her into leaving and took a shower before she could get back. When she found out what I did, she forced me to take another bath so she could say she did so.”

Celestia’s gaze slowly moved to Luna as she said, “I wonder what could have given her that kind of urgency.”

“We can discuss this later,” Luna icily replied. “The hour is early and I am weary. Shall we not eat to break your fast, sister?”

“We should indeed, sister. Navarone, I trust Twilight’s report about your diet was accurate?”

“Uh. If she wrote down everything I told her, yes. Unless you have nothing but flowers and hay, I can probably eat something.”

“Excellent.” Her horn lit up and a soft chime sounded throughout the room. Moments later, a few servants entered the room from the other door, each with platters of food. “My apologies at being unable to provide meat for you,” she said, not really sounding overly apologetic. “It is not something we generally keep on hoof, save for when certain ambassadors are visiting.”

“It’s no problem,” I said as the servants began stacking non-meaty breakfast foods on the table. “Honestly, I’m surprised you all seem so understanding about the issue.”

“Not all of us are,” she replied. “It is something I suggest you keep quiet. No pony will make any attempts to harm you over it, but most ponies are… not overly friendly with those that voluntarily eat meat.”

I muttered, “...Good thing I haven’t mentioned my hunting trips,” under my breath.

“What was that?” Celestia asked, smiling.

“I’ve found ways of getting meat on my own,” I said, louder. “The Everfree has monsters no one will miss. I have cravings for meat. Everybody wins.”

“Until you make a mistake,” Celestia said.

“Thrill of the hunt,” I replied with a large smile, ensuring my canines were showing. Oh God, why did I do that? I was thankful for Luna breaking the conversation.

“Enough talk,” Luna said as the servants began filing out. “I, for one, hunger and long for bed.”

“We can eat while we talk, sister,” Celestia said, levitating some fruit from one of the platters. “But yes, it is time to eat. Take whatever you desire, Nav.” Already using Nav instead of Navarone? Interesting.

“It’s nice to have fruit other than apples,” I commented, grabbing a slice of honeydew.

“Ponyville is an out of the way town, not used to importing,” Celestia said with a shrug. “And it’s definitely an Apple town.”

I just had to get summoned to the ass end of nowhere. “Definitely different from what I’m used to. It’s weird being in such a small town for so long, especially one not connected to the economy.”

“Oh?” she said. “What are you used to?”

“Large cities. Well, large-ish. Only a few million people—” Both of them flinched when I said that. “What?”

“...Nothing,” Luna finally said. “Go on.”

“...Only a few million people, but we’re still connected to the global market. It’s hard not to be, where I come from. It’s weird to go to the market and see so little variety.”

“Your world sounds… different,” Celestia finally said. “But surely things aren’t all bad here?”

“Different doesn’t mean bad, Princess,” I said by way of answer. “Yes, I would much rather be home where I belong. But failing that, this place isn’t so bad. As long as I’m human.”

“Was being a pony so distasteful to you?” Celestia asked, one of her eyebrows lifting.

I snorted and said, “It was probably the worst experience I’ve had in my entire life, and I’ve almost been killed before. Twilight told me she felt similar about being a human. I’m glad it’s over.”

“What was so bad about it?” Luna asked. “As handsome as you appeared, surely all the ponies were friendly!”

“I didn’t have fingers. I was on all fours all the time, which feels wrong. All my senses were different, throwing me off entirely. My eyes were larger and in different places. My nose picked up more. My ears kept twitching. There were pheromones in the air that drove me mad at one point because I wasn’t used to them. It cursed me with these damn wings that I still can barely control. So yeah, thank you for turning me back, Luna.”

“You are most welcome, Nav,” she happily replied.

“It is always interesting to see how somepony reacts to change,” Celestia commented. “Twilight sent me many reports about her experiences in the different shape.” Does that purple horse do anything other than send reports? “Though I’m surprised she didn’t use the spell on you to cancel out the effects of the pheromones. Didn’t you ask her?”

“...No,” I slowly said. “I didn’t. I assumed it was just me. I did mention it to someone, but she didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“Well, no harm done,” Celestia said, shrugging. No harm my ass.

I didn’t have much to say after that. Which turned out to be good, because there was a lot of food and I was rather hungry. Not talking made eating easier and faster. Though it did worry me slightly that Celestia had cake for breakfast. I didn’t comment on it, of course; it’s hardly my place to tell someone that can squash my fucking head like a grape what she can and can’t eat.

“It is time for me to sleep, Nav,” Luna told me, standing from her chair. How did she even sit in that thing, anyway? “I will arrange transportation for you to return home tonight, should you desire it.”

“Then I guess I’ll see you when you wake up,” I replied with a shrug.

“Rest well, sister,” Celestia said, nodding.

“I shall,” Luna said, her horn lighting up. With a quick pop, she disappeared.

Celestia just smiled, shaking her head. “So lazy. Now, would you like to go somewhere more conducive to pleasant discourse? This room is comfortable, but not suited for lengthy visits.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“I hope you don’t mind walking,” she said, standing from her chair.

“I very much prefer it,” I answered, also standing. “I’m definitely not used to magic.”

“And flying?” she asked, walking to the door. I fell into step behind and then next to her after we got out of the room. The maid was not out there.

“Fuck flying,” I said. “I hate these damn wings.”

“Many would see them as a blessing, not a curse.”

“Those ‘many’ are probably ponies. Humans are not shaped to accommodate them. Anyone that thinks they’re a blessing are welcome to have my set.”

“...I’m sure you’ll come to accept them, in time.”

“Probably. But until I do, I’ll hate them.”

“Were I younger, I’d tell you to count your blessings and try to find the good in everything you do.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not younger, then. I’m perfectly content in my misery.”

For some reason, a smile bloomed on her mouth. “I think we’re going to be good friends, Nav.” That’s not ominous or anything.

“If you say so.”

She chuckled and said, “If you aren’t interested in being friends, I understand. But many ponies feel somewhat dwarfed when meeting me and grow nervous. You didn’t. I think it would be quite nice to have somebody like that as a friend.” Even changed her racist wording. Neat.

“My grandfather had a saying. ‘Size don’t matter for much. Neither does age.’ You probably wouldn’t like the rest of it, but that’s the important part.” Them horses may be older and bigger than you, but don’t let that stop you from makin’ them do whatever you say. “You seem alright, so far.”

“Then I hope that impression lasts. Here we are…” she stopped in front of one of the many doors along the halls and pushed it open with magic. “Come in, come in.” We both entered what looked like a decent-sized sitting room. A few bookshelves and writing desks lined the walls. A large window was inlaid into the back wall, showing a pretty courtyard garden. A few lounging sofas that ponies seemed to like were arranged about the room. “Make yourself comfortable,” she said, lying across one of them. “Now, let’s have a conversation, you and I.”

“...What kind of conversation?” I warily asked, not sure how I should feel.

“Preferably a polite one. You obviously aren’t used to showing deference to anypony and I’m much the same. It will be nice to have an actual conversation with somepony instead of me ordering somepony to do something or having to listen to Twilight’s stories.” I knew someone else had to think Twilight’s tales were boring. “It has been a long time since I was able to actually talk to somepony.”

I shrugged and said, “Name your topic, then, and let us converse. Though I can’t promise to be as knowledgeable or experienced as you’d hope.”

And so we talked. The topic started at morality, went to philosophy, delved into human mentality versus pony mentality, dipped into the little physics I still remembered, dived into calculus, sauntered into some minor astrophysics theory, somehow meandered from there into underwater basket weaving, touched on modern human medicine, and finally ended on my impressions of some of the people I had met so far in Equestria.

“You know, Twilight’s my star student, and I feel like I should defend her, but you pretty much nailed her spot on,” Celestia laughed. “I had some idea of what to expect from you,” she said on a more serious note, “but I must say that I’m happy to finally meet you. If you are anything like the rest of your species, which you say you aren’t, I wouldn’t complain to see more of them here.”

“You might not, but I would,” I answered. “According to some theories about stuff like this back home, my dimension literally doesn’t exist anymore. But I still can’t help but think that somewhere, my family is missing me and wondering what the hell happened to me, how I just completely disappeared out of my room. And some people are a lot closer to their family than I was. If you started taking more of them away, some of those people would resent you and try to get back at you for it. And there is no force in the multiverse stronger than a group of humans plotting revenge. You may think you’re immortal now, but piss some people off where I come from and you’d find out for sure. And if you are, you might end up wishing you weren’t.”

She smiled at that, oddly. “An interesting response. So, what do you say to being alone here? The only human in our world. A very lonely position, I must imagine.”

“Yep, sure is.” I shrugged and neutrally said, “Life sucks and then you die. I’m still alive, so you better believe it’s gonna keep sucking. Lonely or not, humans are survivors. That is our long history and as the only one here, I shall do my best to hold onto the tradition.”

“That is a… bleak and depressing outlook, Nav. Wouldn’t you rather have somepony to love you?”

“No offense about this, but I’m really, really not interested in ponies. I have no attraction to your race and no desire for a relationship with any one of you. On the off chance my highly emotionally battered soul can even find love, I very much doubt I’ll find it here.”

She smiled and said, “You’re young. You may yet change your tune.”

“Maybe. But I’ve yet to see any kind of psychologist in Equestria and my childhood left me without the emotion of love. So I wouldn’t hold your breath. Hell, even if I could, I’m wired differently than all the ponies I’ve met so far. I’m fine being around most of them for short periods, but I can’t stand being around them for long. They’re too bright, too cheery. I’m way too bitter to be in a relationship with any of them.”

“Not all ponies are like that, Nav. Many of them also have problems, things that keep them from being constantly happy. Ponyville is a small town, away from the world. You’re more likely to find ponies more like you in a city like… say, Canterlot.”

“Eh. Still have the problem of being unable to care for someone. But none of that is really important. Why are you so interested about my ‘lonesome’ status, anyway?”

“You are one of my subjects now, like it or not, and I like to know how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And since you’re my only human subject, I can’t base your feelings or thoughts off anypony else’s. And besides, you are my friend, are you not? Is it truly so bad for one friend to care about another’s problems?”

“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t have much in the way of friends back home after one of them almost fucking killed me. And not many of the ‘friends’ I have here spent much time asking me about my problems.”

“Then I’ll be sure to schedule more talks for us. It’s unhealthy to have nopony to talk to.”

I smirked and asked, “So who do you vent to, Princess?”

“My sister, of course.” She paused for a second before adding an uncertain, “...Usually.”

“You know, someone once told me that it’s unhealthy to have no one to talk to. If you ever need to complain, I might not mind listening.”

“...I shall keep that in mind. Now tell me, how do you feel about gardens?”

“Eh, they’re alright. But I can’t imagine one that would be overly green in the winter.”

She chuckled and replied, “Then I’m glad I’ll get to show you something unimaginable. Come along.”

“If we’re going outside, I’m going to need a coat,” I said as she stood. “There’s one in my room.”

“Oh no, you won’t need one here.”

“...If you say so,” I dubiously said, standing.

“You’ll see. Now come along,” she said, leading the way back into the hall. I fell into step beside her. “Have you heard Fluttershy talking about the gardens here?”

“Nope. I don’t spend much time with her. She always seems like she’s afraid of me or something.”

“From what I’ve heard, you don’t spend much time with any of the ponies at all.”

“Hm. So what about the gardens?”

“They’re very meticulously tended and magic is used to ensure the plants within rarely age or die. The flowers aren’t always in bloom, but the cold of the winter doesn’t kill them.”

“Tch, magic. Figures,” I muttered.

It seems she heard that, however. “Is there a problem with magic?”

“It’s cheating,” I replied. “I had some family back home that would keep a perfect garden all year ‘round and none of us had any magic. If I was ever cursed to have a cutie mark as retarded as gardening, I know I’d hate it if someone used magic to ruin my work and keep me idle most of the time.”

Her strides slowed as she contemplated that. Finally she said, “That is a very… rough way of looking at things. But I will certainly ask the gardeners their preferences. If they feel the magic is detracting from the beauty of their work, the magic will be removed. Though I didn’t take you for a gardener.”

“Thank God, I’m not. I said some of my family is, not me. I don’t care enough about plants or art to do anything like that.”

“Oh come now. Everypony has an artsy side.”

“Every pony. I ain’t no pony. Ain’t never gonna be one again, either, not if I can help it. Some of us humans are a bit more centralized in what we do. And what I do doesn’t involve art. I don’t mind looking at some of it, but I have no desire to make it. But I’m sure you’re not interested in that. What about you? What kinda hobbies you got?”

She took a moment to consider before saying, “I quite enjoy reading, though I don’t get much time for it anymore. Sparring as well, though I definitely don’t get many ponies willing to compete against me.” Understandable, big as you are. “And of course, walks through the garden. Which will begin now!” We finally arrived to a set of double doors that led out into a very large garden.

Together, we exited the palace and began walking into a very nice garden. As she promised, it was nice and warm out there. “The air feels… strange,” I said, waving my arm through it slowly. “Warm, but… off.”

“Residual magic,” she explained. “Most ponies don’t even notice since they’re so used to it. There aren’t too many active fields like this in Ponyville, though, so it’s no surprise that you would notice.”

“Hm. Seems weird to have such a large garden with no animals in it, though. With as warm as it is, I figured it would be a hotspot for animals.”

“Oh, it is,” she answered before letting out a low whistle. At her signal, I could hear rustling in all the bushes and trees around us. Soon, dozens of critters were scampering toward us.

“Oh God. That’s a lot of animals.” As long as they stay away from me, I have no problems.

“Indeed it is,” she said as the animals crowded around her. I quietly backed away, hoping none would fuck with me. “It’s said that the palace has the largest collection of small animals in the kingdom, but that’s not quite true. A number of zoos have larger collections.” She began handing out pettings and the like. “There’s no need to be shy, Nav. Now that they know you’re with me, they don’t mind you.”

“Pass. I’m not a fan of animals.”

“Until it comes to eating them?” she asked, smiling over at me.

“Hey, if God didn’t want me to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of food. Besides, they taste good and I need the protein.”

“Oh, I know…” She reached down to one of her critters and gently pushed it my way. “But just look at this one! You two have so much in common.”

The animal in question was a monkey. It looked up at me with wide eyes, tilting its head to the side. My eyes narrowed, returning to Celestia. “Did I ever tell you about the horses I used to ride back home?”

She clucked her tongue, catching all of the animals’ attentions. “Go on, now,” she pleasantly called, using her wings to shoo them away. “Return to where you were.” The animals slowly left, casting numerous backwards glances to their mistress. “So loving,” she sighed, watching the last of them depart. “I’m surprised Philomena didn’t come, though.”

“Who?” As I asked that, I felt something heavy and sharp latching onto my shoulder and then felt a dry wind hitting my head, signifying something landing. And then the new thing on my shoulder let out a loud and annoying squawk right next to my ear.

“Ah, Philomena! Navarone, this is my pet phoenix, Philomena. Though it seems you’ve already met.”

“...Yeah. Can you get off me?” I asked the fiery-appearing bird. It just leaned in and started nibbling gently on my ear. “Why do all birds do that?”

“I don’t know, but your shoulder gives her the perfect perch for it! I always thought it felt quite nice, personally.”

I started shaking my shoulder, trying to dislodge it. “I don’t. Hear that? She likes it. Go eat her ear, not mine.” It didn’t move. I sighed and looked over to Celestia. “Can you get this thing off me?” The bird squawked in my ear again. “Quickly, please.”

“I don’t think she likes being referred to as a ‘thing’, Nav,” Celestia said.

“Then it can start acting like a person and prove me wrong,” I said by way of answer.

“...I suggest against antagonizing somepony that can light herself on fire while she’s on your shoulder, Nav,” Celestia said.

One of my eyes twitched as I asked, “Do you have any suggestions, then?”

“Well, your hands would be very good for petting her…”

“Why would a person want to be petted?” I asked. At the sudden twinge of heat next to my face, I relented. “Fine! Christ, get the fuck off me and I’ll pet you.” God, I fucking hate animals. Thankfully, she lifted off me and moved over to Celestia’s back.

I think Celestia managed to read the look on my face and said, “She would be quite upset if you reneged upon your deal, Nav. Angry phoenixes are… definitely a sight to behold.”

“Feh.” The unpleasant feeling I had about being forced into petting the blasted bird didn’t stop me from doing it, though. She seemed quite happy with my hands, all things told. After a minute of playing with her, I backed off. “There. Now fuck off.” She let out a chirp that sounded somewhat happier before taking off…

...And landing on my chest, gripping onto my shirt. I was understandably confused and alarmed by that, but all she did was rub her head against my cheek before taking off again, flying who knows where.

“I fucking hate animals,” I muttered again, brushing the nonexistent animal detritus from my shirt.

“That’s a shame,” Celestia said, smirking. “It seemed that she quite liked you. But we’ve spent enough time out here, I believe. Now is a good time for lunch.”

“Then let’s go eat, shall we? Gotta be better than out here.”

“You said you liked it, I thought.”

“Before I got attacked by a bird. So what’s on the menu this time?”

“Oh, this and that…”

This and that, indeed. Vegetables, sandwiches, fruits, cake (that I let her consume). Typical lunch I’ve come to expect from ponies, though more of it since Celestia’s quite large in comparison.

“Sadly, I’ll have to leave you for some time,” Celestia said. “Even when a princess is supposed to have time off, our schedule will never be completely spotless. It should be a fairly short time, just two hours. Twilight has reported that you have a fascination for books. Would you like to spend the wait in the library?”

I shrugged and said, “Sure, I guess. Better than doing nothing.”

“Excellent. Your guide shall be here shortly. Hopefully Luna has spoken to her about giving you space.”

“Can’t you just tell her to not molest me or something?”

“She is one of Luna’s servants, not mine. It would be a breach of decorum should I give her an order. Though it should not matter, since you are likely leaving tonight anyway.”

“Eh, fair enough. I’ll see you in a few hours, then.”

“Until then.” With that, she left the small dining hall behind.

And then the maid entered three minutes later. Two hours that were fairly boring passed with me in the library and the maid bending over a lot, trying to show off her uniform. But since it wasn’t a sexy French maid outfit, it didn’t bother me any.

And since she was a horse, of course.

When those two hours were up, Celestia appeared at the entrance of the library where I awaited, reading some pony stories. Though I don’t know why I bothered, since they all had happy endings and most of them didn’t have anything bad happening in them.

When Celestia arrived, she asked, “Now, are you ready to attend a small event?”

“Uh. What kind of event?” I somewhat nervously asked, closing the book and setting it aside.

“Nothing major. There is a play that I quite enjoy happening soon and we are going to attend.”

“Alright, I guess. But this time, I’m almost definitely going to need a jacket. It may be warm in your gardens, but it’s probably pretty chilly outside.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. Shall we?”

“If you know which room I’m in, lead the way.”

“Unless Luna changed anything, I know precisely where your room should be. Let us go.” And so we went.

A few minutes later, we arrived. And… “Where are my clothes?” I asked, eyeing the corner where I left them.

“They should definitely be here,” Celestia commented, poking her head in the room. “This is your room, isn’t it?”

“...Yeah.” I started poking around, looking for them. For some reason, they were in the fucking drawers. “Why are they in here?” I asked.

“...Isn’t that where clothes are supposed to go?”

“Well, yeah. But I didn’t put them in here.”

“Then one of the servants probably did. If everything’s there, no harm done. Just find your coat and let’s be on our way.”

“...Alright.” The coat was in a closet, for some stupid reason. Who the fuck puts jackets in closets? Normal people just throw them on things until they need them again!“Now, lead the way.”

Anyway, soon the two of us were walking through the palace. “I hope you don’t mind us walking to the play instead of using the chariot,” Celestia said. “Sometimes it’s nice to just stretch my legs and walk among my ponies.”

“It’s cool. I wouldn’t like being on a pedestal anyway. Though I imagine the two of us are going to garner enough stares anyway.”

“Very likely,” she replied. “I suggest you grow used to it. Unless you feel like becoming a pony permanently, it is something that will probably follow you for some time.”

“C’est la vie,” I sighed, shrugging. She didn’t reply to that. When we got to the castle gates, I asked, “So you aren’t bringing guards?”

“I won’t need them,” she replied. “I prefer not having them when I go on hoof.”

“Eh, I’m unimportant anyway. If anyone’s aiming, it’ll be for you.”

“Your concern for my well-being is touching,” she dryly replied.

“Hey, I’d miss you! But I prefer living too much to take a bullet for you. I’d definitely hold your blood in and rage at the heavens if you got hurt, of course.”

“My hero.” She didn’t sound very enthusiastic, but I could hardly blame her.

Thankfully, the theatre wasn’t that far from the palace, so we didn’t need to be in the cold for very long. Since Celestia was fucking Celestia, we didn’t even see the line. Of course, we both got tons of stares, but that was to be expected.

The two of us got taken to one of the upper VIP box seats, like those at the old opera houses. Here’s hoping there’s no pony version of John Booth.

“I do hope you’ll enjoy this play,” Celestia quietly said as the curtain closed. Turns out we got there just in time.

“I probably won’t, but at least I’m out of the library,” I just as quietly replied.

“Silver lining,” she whispered with a smile.

...It was a reverse-sexed Phantom of the Opera with no bad guy and no tragic ending. No drama, not much conflict, and the resolution just had the lead male character choosing the brighter looking mare. I mean, at least the songs were good, but everything else? Ugh. Three hours of my life, gone.

All the ponies seemed to enjoy it, though, stomping their hooves in approval. Celestia politely clopped her hooves at the end, not dropping the decorum of a proper pony princess. I sat quietly, trying to keep myself awake. “Would you like to meet any of the actors?” Celestia asked.

“Not particularly, no,” I said before yawning. “Your plays are boring as hell compared to ours. Or at least, to me they are.”

“Oh? And what are yours usually like?”

“Take this one. We have something similar back in my world. Reverse all the genders, make the ugly guy evil and secretive, make the red-head more of a bitch, and you got your play. Same basic plot, but a lot more conflict and in the end, the bad guy gets killed or something. Much more entertaining.”

“It sounds unpleasant,” she said, her nose scrunching slightly. “But as you said, at least you got out of the library. If you aren’t interested in speaking to the actors, would you prefer to return to the palace? I believe Luna will be waking up soon and would likely love to hear about your day.”

“I somewhat doubt that, but going back wouldn’t be too bad. Not like there’s much else for us to do, I don’t imagine.”

“Oh, there’s plenty we could do. But it probably is for the best that I bring you back. My sister might be upset that I’m monopolizing her guest, after all.”

“Then she can steal one of yours for some time. If she wants to complain, just tell her to get a better sleeping schedule. Just uh, don’t tell her I said that.”

“That is something I don’t disagree with,” she said, standing and stretching. “Now let us begin the walk to the palace. Better to return while there is still some warmth left from my daylight.” I stood as well, eager to be away from the awful theater with its terrible pony plays.

It didn’t take us long to get back to the palace. A mix of Celestia’s presence and me being a tall, intimidating predator thing got most of the ponies out of our path. I don’t know which was more effective, though the glares I was giving out for being stuck in the cold for any length of time probably did quite a lot.

When we returned, Luna was actually awake. “It does seem a little early for her,” Celestia commented as we walked to the dining hall once again. “Maybe she was excited?”

“If she’s so excited to see me that she can’t sleep, there’s a problem,” I said, scratching at my chin. “She definitely needs more friends, if that’s the case.”

“Is it truly so bad?” Celestia asked. “Many would be flattered to have somepony acting in such a way.”

“I’m not many.”

“...So I’ve seen.” Silence reigned until we got to where we were going. Celestia entered first, since she was the lady. “Ah, sister. Did you sleep well?”

“I did indeed,” Luna answered as I entered. “Did you two have a pleasant day?”

I shrugged and replied, “It was alright. Would’ve been nice with fewer birds attacking me.”

“Philomena was not attacking you,” Celestia sighed, walking over to her chair. “She was playing with you. And it was cute, not awful.”

Luna and I both snorted. She said, “That is certainly a matter of opinion. Your pet phoenix is a menace and she always has been, ever since you found her.”

“A menace you only don’t like because she bonded to me instead of you,” Celestia said, almost… smugly.

Luna pouted and I thought things were about to get ugly when the first servant came in with dinner. I helped myself to a seat closer to best princess and the three of us began to eat. After that, Celestia dragged us both off to that same sitting room, where she forced me to tell Luna how the day went. Then we just shot the shit for an hour or two before Celestia had to head to bed. To me, it was still early, but I was also feeling somewhat tired from getting woken up so early.

“It was nice to finally meet you, Nav,” Celestia said, standing.

“Same to you, Princess,” I replied.

“Oh, please. I thought we had dispensed with the titles long ago. Call me Celestia,” she said.

“Sure. Easier to remember.”

She smiled and said, “ I look forward to our next meeting whenever it might take place. Until then, Nav.”

“Until then,” I said, nodding.

“Good night, sister,” Luna said. They exchanged pleasantries and Celestia departed, leaving me alone with the dark princess of the night. “So what did you think of my sister?” she asked.

“I… honestly don’t know. She’s considerably more playful than I was imagining. And more sarcastic. Definitely interesting to talk to. All in all, I guess I approve of her.”

She giggled and said, “That is certainly nice to hear. Something for the newspapers, I suppose. Local alien approves princess. I wonder what everypony would think.”

“Probably wouldn’t care,” I said with a shrug. “But unfortunately, I’m also really tired. Getting woken up so early will do that to a guy.”

“...Indeed, sadly. I hate to see you depart without being able to spend more time with you, though.”

“There’s all the time in the world, if you can visit me in Ponyville. And, you know, warn me that you’re coming. I don’t mind spending time with you, but I don’t like getting woken up.”

“I shall remember that. But come, let us gather your belongings so that we may send you home.”

“Lead the way. I still don’t know this castle.”

“Even I am still learning it,” she said, standing. “This palace is large, overly so. The old castle we had was much more compact.”

“Changing size for changing times,” I said, joining her as we left the room. “Larger population with more needs. And more ambassadors. It makes sense that it grew. But I’m sure you’ll get us there just fine.”

She smiled at my encouragement, not that she needed it. She proved that well when, sure enough, we made it. And it didn’t take very long for me to gather up all of my stuff, either.

“Ready when you are,” I said with a nod.

“Come close, then,” she said. “Magic works easier when the participants are nearer.” I stepped up next to her. I only had time to see her wicked grin before she snatched me into a hug that I couldn’t return with my arms full. “Always be wary,” she giggled into my ear.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You got me. I’ll see you later, Luna.”

“Later or soon,” she said. “Goodbye for now, however. Prepare yourself.”

I saw the flash of a horn lighting up and that was all before my first trip to Canterlot was over.

Chapter Nine—Hunter... or hunted?

Chapter Nine—Hunter... or hunted?

One night after Twilight and Spike went off to bed, I got another visit from the princess of the night. “How can I help you, Luna?” I asked, trying to stop her from looking into the library behind me.

“Allowing me out of the cold for a few moments would be nice,” she said. Fuck. I stood aside and let her enter. “My thanks. It is quite… What were you doing in here?” she asked, looking at the crossbow I had broken down and the bolts I was readying.

“You kinda caught me at a bad time,” I said, shutting the door and walking past her. “I was about to go hunting. It can wait until tomorrow, though.”

“Hunting… In the Everfree, I assume?” she asked, walking up to the crossbow parts and examining them.

“Yep. I would go to the Whitetail Woods and hunt, but apparently the deer are sapient and I don’t eat things that can talk. The Everfree has plenty of its own dangers, but I’m very careful and don’t usually go in far enough to find anything overly large.”

“I see… And why go at night, in the cold?”

“The cold is a tradition thing. Hunting season back where I come from is in winter. And there’s usually a lot of movement at night, I’ve found. It’s a lot harder to see, though, which is a big problem. But once I make my kill, I just fly out as quickly as I can.”

“Very well, then. I shall go with you.”

“...What? It’s not safe for a princess there!”

“I know you speak out of ignorance, so I will take no offense. But there was a saying long ago. The sun is the shield of Equestria. The moon is the sword. It will interest me to see how you hunt.”

“...And you won’t be disturbed by the sight of me skinning anything?”

“I most definitely will not. It is more likely I will be able to teach you something, I believe.” For some reason, I find that hard to believe.

“Alright,” I sighed, shrugging. “Let me just put this together, get changed, and then we can go.”

It didn’t take me long to fit all the parts of the crossbow back together. It was somewhat shabbily made and I very much wanted to get a better one, but not having much in the way of money put a damper on that. I need to start doing odd jobs or something. These hands have gotta be worth some kinda money.

Luna watched very intently as I put the crossbow together. “I have never seen such a weapon,” she admitted when it was in one piece.

“That’s not too surprising,” I said. “It takes fingers to use, after all. I’ll be back down in a second.”

She seemed content to study the crossbow more as I went to put on some colder weather clothes. I had that set specifically designed to be used for night hunting. It was basically just dark camouflage. I got dressed quickly, so soon enough I was back down to the front room of the library.

Luna had moved her observations to my bolts. “Are these forms of… spears?” she asked.

“Sort of.” I picked up the crossbow and put ten of the broadhead bolts in a quiver I made just for hunting. The bolts went around my waist and the crossbow went around my shoulder. “You ready?”

“I have no need for weapons, so yes.” Show off.

“Then let’s go,” I said, walking to the door. We let ourselves out and made sure the door was closed behind us, then started walking to the forest. “So how much do you know about the Everfree?”

“Little, other than that it has a special resonance with me. It started as a dark grove atop a bastion of evil. When I went to cleanse it… I failed. It has since grown, though it seems that its expansion has stopped. It needs to be mapped, but many are wary of it. And Celestia refuses to allow me to send anypony within.”

“That might be for the best. That place is hellish.”

“Yes, but it could possibly still be cleansed. The forest is… alive, in a way. It feels dangers and sends its monsters to seek them out. The more dangerous you make yourself, the more dangerous the forest will become. And the further you go to the heart, the more and more frenzied its attempts will be to cast you out. Going in as a simple hunter along the fringes is safe. But going in deeper, armed to the teeth, would be a fatal mistake.”

“Then let’s not make that mistake,” I said, my feathers ruffling.

“...Very well, Nav. So what do you hunt tonight?”

“Whatever I can find that’s small enough to carry out but enough to provide for more than one meal. With as much variety as there is in that place, it shouldn’t be hard to find something fairly quickly.”

“Are there any beasts of which I will need to be wary?” she asked. “There is little that can harm me, I believe, but such overconfidence has cost many a battle.”

“You see any chicken heads, look away immediately,” I said. “Same for buffalo heads. You meet the eye of a cockatrice or a catoblepas, have fun getting turned to stone. And be wary of even the flowers. There are patches of blue ones in there called poison joke that’ll fuck you up just by touching them. Same for any inconspicuous animals. I’ve seen a regular rabbit in there make something twice its size run away in terror once.” Shame I didn’t have a holy hand grenade with me.

“...I shall be cautious. You know that I could have griffins supply you with meat, right?”

“Shit, really?” I asked. “How much would that cost me?”

“Continued friendship, of course,” she said. “It wouldn’t be too expensive for them to make a side detour to Ponyville. They already supply a restaurant in Canterlot, after all.”

“That would… certainly be nice. That said, and try not to take this the wrong way, but killing things is fun. It gives me an adrenaline rush like nothing else. Most humans feel the same way, even if they don’t like to admit it. There’s just something about taking a life that feels so… empowering. I could easily live without it, and if the forest gets too dangerous I will, but why go without that rush if I don’t have to?”

She slowly nodded, pretending like she understood. “I used to be friends with many dragons that spoke the same way of killing,” she quietly said, looking forward. “They spoke of battle and the rush from finding and besting a foe. I confess, even I have felt a similar rush at many times, but I fear I lack the instinctive joy given to those lucky souls born as predators instead of herbivores.”

That is probably the creepiest thing she might have ever said to me. “...There are times when you scare me.”

“Fear not the night, Nav,” she said, “for the night is your friend, and friends have little to fear from friends.” I let that kill the conversation because I really didn’t like where it was going.

And besides, we were at the forest. I stopped right before entering and unslung the crossbow to cock it. “When we get in there, if you hear anything, quietly let me know,” I said. “With those big ears, you can probably pick up more stuff than I can.”

“Alright,” she answered. “Same for smell?”

“Sure, I guess. How quiet can you be?”

“Not very. However, magic has a solution.” Her horn lit up and a spell slowly settled over her, an aura slowly sinking down to her hooves. When it hit the ground, it dissipated and she nodded, then waved a hoof to the forest.

I fitted a bolt into the crossbow and began walking in, keeping the weapon raised and ready. As soon as I got past the first row of trees, I felt the darkness intensify around me. The forest itself seemed to suck some of the life from me, but I was used to it at that point. I continued on, Luna silently ghosting behind me. While I couldn’t be nearly as quiet as her cheating ass could, I made sure not to unsettle too many of the fallen leaves as I walked, peering through the dead underbrush of the forest.

The only times I could see very well were when shafts of moonlight swept through the little remaining foliage of the upper layer, casting the area in a pale glow. For a while, the forest itself was silent and the only sounds I could hear were the footsteps I was making and my own steady breathing, each breath of which sent out a thin plume of fog. Slowly, as the bugs and lesser creatures of the forest became used to my presence once again, more noises began joining me.

There weren’t too many things out since it was winter, but a gentle cacophony of bugs and some manner of night birds soon picked up. The ‘forest’ part of Everfree Forest was somewhat of a misnomer. The actual place was a strange mix of jungle, swamp, and forest, with animals of all types present. Plants of all types, as well. I’d dread entering the place come summer due to horribly humid weather within.

We were walking within the place for about ten minutes when I felt something pull on my shoulder. I came to a stop, looking around. Luna used the hoof that stopped me to point to the left. I slowly turned that way, aiming the crossbow before me. My breath caught when I saw the animal that was passing near us. It appeared to be a mix between a saber-toothed lion, a dragon, a scorpion, and a unicorn. Catlike head with large tusks, a single horn, a scorpion stinger, and scales covering the entire thing. Dingonek…

I knelt down quietly, watching it walk past and trying to make myself as small and silent a target as possible. Don’t notice me, don’t notice me… For the love of God, just keep walking… I very seriously doubted that my crossbow could even pierce that thing’s scales and I didn’t want to fucking find out. Even if I could hurt it, there’s no way I’d want to try eating that thing or dragging it out. Hell, what was something so dangerous doing so close to the edge?

Thankfully, it soon moved out of sight. I waited another three minutes before standing again and continuing on my way. Luna followed with nary a sound, her hoof-falls swallowed in the void of the spell she cast.

About fifteen minutes later, I got lucky and spotted something a little to the right. I held up a fist, hopefully letting Luna know to stop, and knelt down, aiming the crossbow at the two bird-like creatures in front of me. Chickcharneys, they were. Those things are basically long-limbed owls with legs and really weird arms. The bestiary Twilight gave me about animals in the forest had a number of legends associated with those things, but none of them were very important.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a very good shot from where I was. There were too many dead shrubs and shit in the way. So I started slowly and quietly circling, trying to find a better spot from which to fire. The two birds appeared to be foraging on the ground floor, which probably meant they found a rat or something and were either tearing it apart or waiting for it to emerge from its cover.

From the small actions they were making, I knew they knew they were being watched, and both seemed tensed to fly away at any signs that I was actually getting closer. The animals in the forest aren’t used to things that have ranged weapons, thankfully, so they didn’t know it would be within their best interests to flee immediately instead of waiting.

I taught one of them that lesson seconds later, sending him flying away in terror when I killed his friend from fifteen yards with the crossbow. Birds aren’t exactly the most resilient of creatures, so it was easily a one shot kill. I immediately reloaded the crossbow and continued to wait, kneeling. Luna moved from her position where I left her over to me and put a hoof on my shoulder, cocking her head in confusion.

“Wait,” I very, very quietly whispered. She blinked and looked around before joining me in kneeling, watching the scene before us. It took about twenty more minutes, but the other bird finally flew back from where it had been hiding, alighting on a nearby branch and looking at its friend’s body, presumably wondering if it would be worth continuing the search for the rat they were originally looking for.

So they’re just like deer. Even with a dead one in the field, they’ll come back. Interesting. I lifted the crossbow and shot him as well, forgetting until I pulled the trigger to correct my aim for the height difference. Since I was aiming at the center of mass, the bolt completely obliterated its face, dropping it to the ground floor and sending the bolt careening off into the forest.

I just shrugged and stood, reloading the crossbow again before walking to the clearing. Luna joined me. “Simple,” I whispered, nodding at the two dead birds. “Won’t taste the best since they’re predators, but better than nothing.”

“Is that it, then?” Luna asked, removing her spell. “You murder them from afar?”

“Hey, I don’t have any natural hunting mechanisms,” I said, grabbing the one under the tree and dragging it to the center with the other. “No claws, no teeth. Humans hunt with their brains, not their bodies. To that end, we make tools. A crossbow is one such tool that enables easier killing. You can argue that it isn’t sporting. But hunting isn’t about sport. Hunting is about getting food. And here I have two very fine examples of food. Now let’s go before the smell of blood attracts something bigger than the two of us combined.” I kept one hand around the crossbow’s pistol-grip and put the other around the legs of the two birds, lifting my wings.

“Let us leave this place, then,” Luna said, nodding. She took off first and I let her get above the treeline before joining her in the air. Together, we flew back towards Ponyville. But we didn’t make it all the way, since I wasn’t about to go into town with two dead birds like that. “Why are we stopping here?” Luna asked when we got to the place I habitually cooked my meat.

“Because Twilight doesn’t like it when I skin things in her house,” I said, setting the two birds down on a cleared patch of dirt next to the little stream. “There’s plenty of dead wood in the little copse there and the stream makes cleaning tools easy. I’ll pluck and skin them, cook some of the meat now, and bring the rest back to cook later. Twilight doesn’t much like it, but she hasn’t complained enough yet to make me stop.”

“I see. And would you mind a guest at your miniature feast?”

“Hey, if you want to eat meat, that is on you. But if you get sick, don’t blame me. If you want to save me some time, go get some dried wood so we can get a fire going.”

Her horn lit up and one of the rocks I set up in a circle lit on fire. The blaze spread to the others around it, creating a burning ring of fire.

“...Alright, that works. It means you’re going to be waiting while I pluck and skin these, though.”

Once again, her horn lit up, lifting the two of the birds off the ground. Her eyes narrowed and suddenly every feather off both of them was ripped out. My eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“You can cheat, I get it. Are you gonna rip their skin off, too? Just take the rest of the honesty out of it?”

“Do you enjoy plucking and skinning your kills?” she asked, lifting one of her eyebrows.

“No. But if I’m going to murder them in such a dishonest way, treating their bodies with respect is the least I can do to repay them. Disdainfully using magic in such a way ruins any chance to make up for it.”

“The dead are dead, Nav. They have no feelings, no cares left. Assuaging your guilt over their immediate and unfair demise is one thing. But you should not pretend that you do such a thing for their benefit rather than your own. If it will make you feel better, take your time with this one,” she said, pushing the one that didn’t have a destroyed face at me. “But I have few such compunctions and less time to spend here. So if you don’t mind…” Her horn lit up and a strange flash of light appeared around the feet of the bird. The light slowly moved up the creature’s legs and then the body, disintegrating the outer skin as it moved. It finished by removing the entire head. “Simple.”

I just shook my head, saying, “I suppose to one that has no knowledge of spirituality or hunting, or at least the knowledge that I do, such a thing is acceptable. And explaining it would be… pointless, I imagine.” I tossed the other bird back to her. “Do as you would. I’ll start pulling the meat off this one.”

“It pleases me that you saw reason,” she said with a smile. There was no answer I could make to that, so I just found the smooth, flat rock I used for cooking and set the bird on it. Then I took the knife and started slicing, removing the good meat and setting it in one pile and removing the things that weren’t fit to eat and tossing them into the fire.

After clearing the skin off the other bird, she sat at my side, watching me work and occasionally asking questions. Since it was just a bird, it only took about ten minutes or so to get all the meat worth eating off the thing. When I had everything off it, I tossed the body into the blaze and set the meat out in strips before moving the rock close to the stream. As bitterly cold as the stream was, I knew I needed to get all the blood off the meat and rock before I began cooking.

“What are you doing?” Luna asked as the water ran over the meat, washing the red away.

“Cleaning it,” I said. “I’m not about to just pull meat out of something’s body and cook it like this without cleaning it first. Unless I can hold it directly over the fire, that would be very risky, health-wise.”

“Hm. That is not something I considered.”

“Always good to be careful…” Soon, the rock was ready to be moved to the fire. “This isn’t exactly the best way to cook, since I don’t have any spices or anything,” I said.

“I’m sure it will still be just fine,” she replied, smiling. “Just don’t tell my sister that you let me have any of this. She would not approve.”

“Simple enough.” Luna and I just watched the meat cook for a minute before I said, “Hey, you want to try your hand at getting the meat out of the other one?”

She blinked in surprise. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, if you want. I mean, it’s not like anything’ll happen if you mess up. Birds are pretty straightforward, not much meat to ruin or waste.”

“Yes, that makes me feel better,” she sarcastically answered.

“Glad I can help. There’s another flat rock around here somewhere. Here’s the knife.” She gripped it with her magic and used her horn to light up the area much better so she could find the rock in question. She pulled it over and set it down next to us, then set the bird on it.

“Should I just start anywhere?” she asked.

“It doesn’t matter, no. Just be careful with the internal organs. You don’t want to rupture them and risk shooting fluids anywhere.”

“That sounds… interesting,” she commented, taking the knife and carving even slices of bird out while I used a stick to make sure the meat that was cooking didn’t stick to the rock.

“It’s interesting but terrible,” I said. “Especially if it’s anything from the stomach. You definitely don’t want to pierce that; it smells terrible.”

“I can imagine. How many times have you done this?”

“Not many. I only skinned a single deer back home, since hunting was just a rare hobby instead of something I could do all the time. I knew the theory, but the first few times I did it here, I learned a lot. This is probably the fifth or sixth time I’ve gone hunting in the Everfree. I don’t really go that often.”

“Understandable. How often will you go if you start getting meat from the griffins?”

“Even less often. I can live without killing or the danger. It takes something away from the taste if you didn’t kill what you’re eating yourself, but I’m okay with that. I’ve gotten my first kill, gotten my hands drenched in blood. I know the feel of it now, which is something that everyone that eats meat should know.”

“Now that is a thought that I like. Shame that it doesn’t apply to ponies. Though I suppose I could make all of the rich courtiers that surround my sister and I like flies come down to Ponyville and assist farmer Applejack with her crops. They complain of the ever-changing prices of various items while never considering the work put into preparing them. Even my sister is guilty of such inaction, at times.”

“Hey, I didn’t see you down here helping with the harvest.”

“My sister and I run a country, Navarone,” she shot back. “Those courtiers do little other than laze about and whine. Why my sister puts up with those fools is beyond me. In my time, our court was small and filled only with those that had specific uses. Guards, soldiers, an agricultural advisor, a weather manager, a magic advisor, and a few others. Every complaint or query from visiting ponies was filtered through our advisors first. Now it seems that everypony with two bits to rub together can directly petition my sister with little more than a short screening period. She complains of all her time wasted and yet…”

“She does it to herself?”

“Indeed. She tells me that times have changed and that I should change with them. But why, when such new methods are so grossly wasteful?” she asked, slicing the knife through bone in anger.

“Careful there,” I calmly said, putting a hand on her shoulder. She pulled the knife away with a nod and began working correctly again. “You and your sister have different courts, don’t you? Day court and night court?”

“Yes.”

“Then find all the advisors you want and set your court up in the old fashioned way. See which works best, hers or yours. If you can get someone to give you an unbiased opinion of the differences between the two methods after some time, you can either stick to your guns if your way is better or confidently do things the new way knowing precisely why it works better instead of just taking Celestia’s word for it.”

“That is… an idea,” she said, slowly nodding. I removed my hand from her shoulder and went back to poking at the meat. “I believe I shall do that,” she finally said. “Though it will take me some time to find advisors willing to be nocturnal.”

“You found guards to do it. I’m sure it won’t be a huge leap to find some civilians as well.”

“True. I will manage. And I believe I’m finished with this bird.”

“Then cast the remains in the flame. It looks like this stuff here is done cooking as well.”

“Wonderful!” Her horn lit up and the carcass floated to the fire. “Shall we dig in, then?”

“If you want to burn your mouth, be my guest,” I said, pulling the warm rock away from the fire. “I’m going to wait a minute or two for it to cool off.”

“...That is wise.” She sat next to me as we waited. “It really is cold out here…” she said.

“Yep. That’s winter for you.”

She was silent for another few moments before sighing and saying, “Fine, I’ll do it, then.” After that, she wrapped her wing around me and pulled me close. “There.”

“If you’re really that cold, we could have just moved closer to the fire,” I said, throwing my arm around her shoulder.

“This is more comfortable and requires less moving.” There was no real answer to that, since I could already feel her gentle warmth radiating through my side. She was presumably getting just as much, given that I was wearing one hell of a winter suit. “How long should we wait?”

“Eh, now should be good enough,” I said, stabbing one piece with my knife and bringing it up to my mouth. “But let me test it first.” With her watching, I took a small bite out, finding it at an acceptable temperature. “It’s alright for me,” I said, swallowing it. “Doesn’t taste all that great and it’s kinda dry, but it’s meat.”

“Good enough for me,” she said, levitating a piece up. “Oh, it’s been too long since I’ve had any of this,” she sighed, shoving the whole chunk in her mouth. Alright, Luna is really starting to scare me.

Scary or not, we ate that whole bird, down to the very last chunk. “You want to cook up the other one?” I asked. At that point, I was starting to feel quite tired and didn’t really feel like eating anymore, but apparently this wasn’t something she could get away with eating back at the palace.

“Not this time,” she said. “Meat is interesting to eat, but not very healthy for us. And sadly, I believe it is about time I returned to the palace. Would you like me to walk you home?”

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like walking back. Want to just grab everything and fly?”

“That is acceptable. Need I carry anything?”

“Feel free to grab the leftover meat. I wasn’t expecting to bag two kills tonight, so I didn’t bring anything to carry the leftovers in.”

She nodded and stood, pulling away from my grasp and instantly making me feel twice as cold all over. “Then let us gather things quickly and leave. It is cold.”

“Sure is…” I said as I stood and walked to where I left the crossbow. I pulled the hunting bolt out and put a practice one in, decocking it by shooting it into the soft dirt. After recovering the bolt, I walked over to where she had all the meat floating next to her. “Shall we?”

“Let’s.” We both took off, soaring toward Ponyville. It didn’t take us too long to arrive at the library. She entered with me so we could easily put the meat up. Soon enough, we were both in the main lobby again.

“That was actually pretty fun,” I quietly said, shrugging off the thick greatcoat I had on. “I didn’t expect any of the ponies to be hunters or so blasé about blood.”

“I am not most ponies,” Luna said. “Should you go again, I might be interested in going with you.”

“Winter’s almost over, so I probably won’t go as often. But if I do decide to head in, I’ll certainly let you know beforehand.”

“Excelsior!” I just barely stopped myself from cracking up when she said that. “But I’m afraid that I must be going. Duty calls, sadly.”

“I understand. Have fun, Luna.”

“Unlikely.” Her horn lit up and I thought she was about to teleport out. Instead, something pulled against my back and forced me into her, where she hugged me. “But you aren’t fettered by the same constraints, so you may definitely enjoy yourself.”

“...Right,” I answered, awkwardly patting her back. “See you when I see you.”

“Whenever that may be,” she answered before teleporting away from her grasp on me, making me stumble for a second.

Luna’s fucking weird. I haven’t decided yet if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

A few weeks after that, an odd thing happened. Twilight, Spike, and I were all chilling in the library. Twilight was taking notes or something. Spike was dusting. I was cleaning my fingernails with a knife, about to head out to do… something.

There was a knock at the door. “Spike, can you get that?” Twilight asked, not even looking up.

“Uh…” he looked down to what he was doing and then up to me. “Nav, can you get that?”

I set my knife on the table, got up, and went to the door. I casually opened it and beheld a white unicorn wearing a cape. “Can I he—” I started.

He used magic to slap me with a thin silk glove. “THE GREAT WHITE UNICORN PELT IS HERE TO SLAY YOU, BEAST!” I didn’t even have time to wonder why a pony had a glove.

I looked at him. He glared at me.

I slowly reached down into my pocket and pulled out one of the gloves I showed up with, put it on, and casually backhanded him across the face with that hand as hard as I could. “I accept your challenge.”

He spit out a tooth and some blood and fixed me with an even greater glare of pure hatred. “So…” I said. “You going to start slaying me yet?”

“TOWN SQUARE. FIFTEEN MINUTES. BE THERE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONSTER YOU ARE!”

Jesus, turn off the caps lock.

Without another word, he turned around and stalked away. I heard him shouting around to bring up a crowd.

“What was that about?” Twilight asked, still not looking up. I closed the door.

“Oh, some unicorn just came here and told me he was going to kill me in fifteen minutes. I’ll go get my crossbow. Be back soon.”

“Have fun, N—WHAT?!” She finally turned to face me and used magic to pull me closer to her. “What did you say?”

“Some pompous fuck just came by and told me he was going to slay me like a beast or something. He said to meet him in town square, though really it’s more of a circle. I suppose I should correct him before I kill him.”

She dropped me. I went upstairs to get my crossbow and some bolts. I heard her yelling to Spike. When I came down he was writing furiously. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I told her, heading to the door.

“You can’t just go and fight him, Nav!” Twilight said, terribly distraught.

“Silly Twilight,” I said, ruffling her mane. “I’m not going to fight him.” She looked relieved. “I’m just going to kill him.” Her relief vanished.

“But you can’t—”

“It’s done, Twilight!” Spike interrupted, waving a letter. With a flourish he sent it away.

I sighed. “You aren’t going to let me go out there, are you?”

“Not until Princess Celestia gets here to clean this mess up, no!”

I shouldered my crossbow. “How long should she take? I really should be leaving now if I want to make his timeframe.”

With an explosion of magic, Celestia appeared right next to me. Twilight and Spike immediately went to their knees. “What’s this I hear about a unicorn trying to hurt Navarone?” she asked.

“Some dude just came by, slapped me with a glove, and told me he was going to kill me in a few minutes in town circle,” I answered. “I guess you want to watch me kill him?”

She frowned. “Navarone, stop it.” I sighed and put my crossbow down on a table. “That’s better. Now let’s go find out what this stallion wants.” She led the way out of the library. When she opened the door we saw Rarity and Rainbow Dash right outside, about to knock. When they saw her they bowed.

“We were just about to come and tell Twilight there was a stallion raving in town circle,” Rarity said. “He’s ranting about killing the beast that lives in the tree.”

“Thank you both, but I have already been made aware of this,” Celestia said. “Come along, all of you.” She led us toward the center of town.

“YOU DON’T NEED TO FEAR ANY LONGER, CITIZENS!” we heard him shouting. “I WILL RID YOU OF THIS MONSTER!”

It didn’t take long for him to notice the growing crowd of bowing ponies. “HE HAS YOU ALL SO AFRAID THAT YOU—” He saw Celestia and his eyes almost bulged out of his head. “Princess! You came yourself to see me defeat this monster?” Then he saw me walking behind her. If I thought his eyes were bulging before… “LOOK OUT!” He tried to rush to her ‘aid,’ but she forced him to stop with magic.

She picked him up and pushed him to the center of town, in the middle of the large crowd that had now formed. I followed. She slowly set him back on the ground and in a voice that wasn’t a yell and yet had no problem carrying, she said, “What is this I hear about a monster loose in Ponyville?”

She released him from her spell. He pointed right at me. “I am here to slay this monster and free Ponyville of its subjugations!”

She looked at me and then behind me and frowned. “I don’t see any monsters near or behind my good friend Navarone,” she said.

His mouth dropped. “G-g-good f-f-f-f-friend?” he practically whimpered.

She smiled. I crossed my arms and ruffled my wings.

“Yes, my good friend Navarone,” she answered, pushing me forward with one of her wings. “I’m sure if you ever need any help in your monster slaying travels, he can assist you; he is very good at dispatching unicorns that grow in power and arrogance and try to take over the minds of other ponies.” I don’t think that’s quite true… Though I guess I did help beat Trixie.

I heard some murmuring in the crowd. And if this fellow’s face dropped any further he was going to have to sew it back on.

Suddenly, I started to hear a whistling noise to my left. I ignored it, trying to focus on what Celestia was going to hit this dude with next. The noise got louder and louder until everyone but the monster hunter was looking at it.

It was Fluttershy.

And holy shit was she pissed.

She slammed into the unicorn. “DON’T YOU DARE HURT NAVARONE!” Holy fuck! I rushed forward to grab her before she really hurt the guy.

I had to actually rip her off of him. “Fluttershy, it’s okay!” I tried saying. “Celestia’s here, he’s not going to do a thing.” That got her attention long enough for me to get her off. I grabbed her, gently stroking her mane to try to soothe her. She was glaring at the guy on the ground, huddling in terror. I pulled her away from him and she followed me, not letting her eyes off of him. I think he was crying. I whispered into her ear, “That was awesome.” She blinked, realizing where she was.

She started hyperventilating, trying to hold onto me. I led her away from the area, the crowd parting before us. A lot of the ponies were smiling, either at me for helping her or at her for kicking that guy’s ass. I led her to Twilight’s library, since that was the closest place that was absolutely cool for me to be in; I was welcome in most public places, but I still got plenty of stares and a few snubs.

Maybe after this that would change.

I sat her down on the couch that seems to appear and disappear at need. I’m not joking about that—it is not there when I don’t need it and it is there when I want to sit down on something that isn’t a chair. No, I don’t know how that works.

“So like I said, that was pretty fucking awesome,” I said when I had her down and relatively calmed down. She blushed. “Mind, I don’t know if Celestia will agree, but I have never had a friend stick her neck out like that for me.” I held my fist out. She flinched automatically. I sighed and grabbed one of her hooves with my other hand and gently hit my fist with it. “Good enough,” I said. “Now, what the hell came over you?”

She blushed again, even deeper this time. “I… I was in the market, and I heard somepony saying a unicorn was here to kill you. I just sort of… lost my temper. I don’t know what happened!” I think she was almost about to either cry or start hyperventilating again.

“Fluttershy, it’s okay,” I said. “It is perfectly normal to be upset when you hear something like that. If anyone was trying to hurt any of you, you can bet money I’d be hauling ass to get to you to help. That is what friends do for each other.” I paused for a moment. “That said, though, I would probably get more details before tackling the fucker,” I added with a smile. “Especially with Celestia standing right there.”

Her eyes went wide. “P-p-princess C-c-c-c-celestia! I thought you were saying that to make me calm down!” She started hyperventilating again.

I rolled my eyes and pulled her into a hug. Her wings flared, but after a moment she returned it. Her breathing slowly started to return to normal. When I heard the door open I finally let her go. Princess Celestia was there, watching us.

“Celestia,” I said, nodding.

“Navarone,” she answered, stepping in. “This incident will not repeat itself. I—” her eyes flicked to Fluttershy—“We have ensured that.” She sighed. “I honestly expected the ponies here to accept you more readily, Navarone. If Luna and I can do so, why can’t they?” She shook her head sadly.

“Because they don’t give me a chance, Princess,” I answered and shrugged. “I don’t really blame them. If something as strange as me came to our world and was left to roam free, stuff like this would happen to it too.” Well, actually it would all be much worse, but meh.

She didn’t have a response to that. She turned to Fluttershy, who bowed her head in what I was assuming was shame. “Fluttershy, have you learned anything from this?”

Fluttershy mumbled something. I put a hand on one of her hooves. She gave me a hasty smile and looked up at the princess. “I learned that you should never act without thinking or learning the full situation, even if you think somepony might be in danger. You might just hurt somepony that doesn’t really deserve it.” Not a very good Aesop, in my mind, but whatever.

Celestia turned her gaze to me. “And what did you learn, Navarone?”

I shrugged. “Ponies are occasionally kickass friends.”

She blinked. “Try again.”

“Uh. If some dick comes to challenge me to a duel, tell the princess on him?”

She shook her head. “One more time.”

I scratched my head. “Look, Princess, I’m not good at the Aesops. Given the choice, I would have just taken my crossbow down there and deep sixed that sumbitch. It would have dealt with this asshole, though it probably would have made the rest of the ponies in town pretty terrified. But to be quite honest, I don’t really give a damn anymore.” I shrugged. “If they don’t want to accept me, fuck ‘em. With these wings growing out of my back, I’m here in this world to stay.”

“I’m going to pretend you stopped three sentences sooner,” she answered. “Now give it a proper ending.”

I blinked, trying to remember what I had said. Dammit, where’s Pinkie Pie when I need her? She could just reach through the fourth wall, grab what I was going to write in my journals, and tell me. “…And that would be bad?” I said awkwardly.

Celestia smiled. “Close enough. Now unfortunately, I must return to the palace. It was as always a pleasure to speak with you, Navarone, and to see you, Fluttershy.” Before we could respond, she disappeared with a loud thunderclap.

“Well whatayaknow,” I said. “She finally asked me for one of those friendship lesson things she always makes you write her.” Hopefully it never happens again.

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly. “I don’t think she liked yours very much, Nav.”

I shrugged. “That’s just because I’m a human living in a pony’s world. The Establishment’s trying to keep me down.” She didn’t get it. I waved it away.

Twilight and Spike came in then, so Fluttershy was spared the awkwardness of more of my strange human jokes. “Can you believe that stallion?” Twilight asked. “Coming here like that!” She sniffed. “He’s lucky the princess let him go like she did.”

“Well,” I said, “I knocked a tooth out and Fluttershy here kicked his ass. I suppose that was enough.”

“You knocked out one of his teeth?” Spike asked with wonder in his voice. “You didn’t even touch him!”

I went over to the door and opened it. I reached down and picked up the tooth the guy spat out and held it up. “When he slapped me with his little glove to challenge me, I responded with a glove of my own,” I said. “But instead of slapping him with it, I slapped him with my fucking hand. Hard.”

“That’s uh… pretty mean,” Spike slowly said.

“Sure is,” I replied with a shrug. “Motherfucker shouldn’t have shown up to kill me.” Then I turned back to Fluttershy. “You need any help shopping?” I asked her.

She quickly shook her head, but then thought for a moment. “Maybe you can help me solve a problem, Nav.”

“I can certainly try,” I said. She led me out of the building, leaving Twilight to her boring work and Spike to cleaning.

“It’s… Angel,” she said. “He doesn’t like eating regular food, you see…”

“Fluttershy, I don’t know a damn thing about animals. But I’ll see what I can do, I suppose. What happens when you try to give stuff like that to him?”

She described the situation. “Uh huh,” I answered. I didn’t say anything else. The rest of the walk to her little shack was in silence.

She went in first and said she was back and whatnot. An assload of little critters were inside, playing. I saw Angel staring at her impatiently. When he saw me his gaze froze a bit, but went back to impatient quickly enough.

I walked up to him. He stared up at me fearlessly.

Until he saw my face.

“Let’s go for a little walk,” I said. He shook his head and tried to bound away. I snatched him by his bunny ears. “I’m glad you agree. We’ll be right back, Fluttershy,” I said. She nodded, looking down at one of her other little friends. She didn’t see Angel frantically trying to get her attention.

When we were outside and a few minutes away from the house I sat down next to a tree. I held Angel up to my eyes. “So I heard you like specially cooked meals,” I said. He just looked at me. “So do I. You know, I used to be a bit of a cook back home. Do you know what I specialized in?” He didn’t. “Rabbit soup.” His eyes went as wide as a bunny’s could. “Rabbits worked fine, but bunnies were better. Younger and more tender, you know?” I smiled easily and poked him in the belly. He gulped.

I pulled the knife out of my pocket and opened it with a loud click. He looked at it, fear evident in his eyes. I set the knife down on my knee.

“Do you know what I do to people that hit my friends, Angel?” His eyes returned to mine. “I hurt them.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Now don’t get me wrong, Angel: I don’t like hurting others. In fact, I detest it. So do you know what you are going to do for me?” One of his eyes popped open. “You are going to make sure I don’t have to hurt anyone. No one is going to be hitting my good friend Fluttershy on your watch, right?” He frantically shook his head. “Good. I would hate to have to skin something as small as you to make some nice bunny stew.”

I picked my knife up, closed it, and slid it into a pocket. “Now how about I set you down so you can go eat what Fluttershy has for you?” He nodded his head like a jackhammer. I put him down and let him go. He sprinted right to Fluttershy’s house. I followed at a more sedate pace.

When I got inside, I found he was eating some manner of green pellet or something Fluttershy had laid out for him. “And you said you didn’t know about animals!” she said to me, smiling.

“Angel and I, we reached an understanding of sorts,” I said. He looked over to me and I patted my pocket. His ears slumped and he shoved a pellet in his mouth. I smiled, nodding.

“Well, whatever you did, thank you!”

“Anything for a friend, Fluttershy. If you need any more help, just ask.” She happily nodded and I stepped back into the nice day.

Some time after I showed up in Equestria, Pinkie Pie tried holding a party for me, calling it my birthday. She started discussing it with me when I bumped into her at the market place. Applejack was with her. When I told her my birthday was actually in March, she gave me the oddest look I’ve ever seen from her.

“What do you mean, it’s in March?” she asked.

I shrugged. “It’s in March. What more do you want?”

“…Why didn’t you say anything before? I would have thrown you a great party!”

“Have I ever been the sort to like parties?”

“Uh, yeah! You love my parties!”

“...I don’t think that’s true.”

“If you say so…” she dubiously said before getting excited again. “Well, this March I’ll throw you a super extra fantastical party to make up for last year’s! Wait… when in March?”

“If I tell you, will you promise not to give me a party?”

“Psh, no! Don’t be silly, Nav. Everypony loves parties!”

“I’m not a pony, remember?”

“Well, everything else I’ve held a party for likes them!”

“Maybe I’m the exception.”

“You know… I could hold you a party every day in March! That way I’ll be sure to get it on the right day!”

“You wouldn’t. It would be too much money.”

“It’s worth it, for a friend!”

“Your birthday present for me should be to not give me a party.”

“But you love my parties! Why would I want to not give you something that you love?”

My head was starting to hurt. “I don’t like your parties.” That was exactly the wrong thing to say.

Her eyes welled up with tears. “You… you don’t like my parties?” she asked in the saddest voice I think I’ve ever heard.

Before I could answer, she started to cry. Now, it’s rare that I see Pinkie Pie cry, but when she does in a situation like this—when her feelings weren’t actually hurt but she wanted to pretend like it—the tears fly from her face in a stream, like something out of a damn anime. Confuses the hell out of me, and makes me really wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

I turned to Applejack. “Is there any way out of this that doesn’t involve me telling her when my birthday is?”

“Nope. Or at least, I sure can’t see any.”

I was getting more than a few mean looks from the ponies in the market. I sighed.

There was a party scheduled for me on my birthday. Pinkie Pie is an unstoppable party monster.

Chapter Ten—The Gala

Chapter Ten—The Gala

Some time in late summer, Twilight and her friends were all invited to some event called the Grand Galloping Gala. These ponies sure like their alliteration… Anyway, none of the friends really wanted to go and after hearing their reasons, I agreed. However, Twilight felt it was her responsibility to be there, and decided to drag me along for whatever reason. Fucking women, man.

After some exhaustive preparations that went above and beyond what was probably required, we were off. Since it was just the two of us and neither of us really wanted to be there, we didn’t go all out on the transportation. Fluttershy told me that the last time they went, they used a pumpkin carriage or some crap. We just got a ride from a palace chariot the day before and stayed at Twilight’s old room so we could walk to the Gala the next night.

“Remind me again, why am I here?” I asked her as we sauntered up to the front doors.

“A few reasons. One, so I wouldn’t be alone if it came down to that. Two, Luna sent me a message asking me to make sure you came. Three, I want to see how immune you are to the impromptu song magic that happens occasionally.” My wings twitched at the third reason. God I hate that song magic shit. No random singing for me, no sir. At least Luna’ll probably bail me out, if it comes to that.

“Would it be chill if I just sort of hung out in the garden all night? It’s pretty nice there, as long as the animals will leave me alone.”

“Nope, you’re going to be right where I can keep an eye on you. I don’t know if I’d trust you loose in a room full of some of the most influential ponies in Equestria.”

“You still don’t trust me yet?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, but rather that you’ve already managed to befriend both princesses. Any more powerful friends and I might not be able to abuse you so much.”

“Yes, and that would just be such a travesty,” I wryly answered.

“Shush, we’re where ponies can hear us now!”

“The only people that will be listening are the servants. You can bet most of them are in someone’s pocket and some probably report to several people. The rich care too little to listen to the likes of us. Most probably won’t even notice me, since I’m not something that’s supposed to be in their world.”

“Wouldn’t that draw more attention to you?”

“Two possibilities: One, that I’ll be completely unnoticed unless something happens to bring attention to me. Two, I’ll be the center of attention the whole time. And since no one is even looking our way, I’m pretty sure the first will be true.” Now, that wasn’t entirely true. We were getting several sidelong looks, but no one actually addressed me. Most probably knew about me by now; I had been in their world for almost a year at that point and had been at the palace once as a personal guest of the princess. I suspected that if I ever found myself alone during this party, I wouldn’t stay that way for long.

I wasn’t specifically given a ticket, but since none of Twilight’s friends came along, I was given one of theirs. It was enough to get me in, though I was given an odd look by the servant watching the door.

When I got inside, I was somewhat astonished by the changes in the palace. When I went before, it was quiet, regal, subdued. Now, though, it was boisterous and bright, full and fabulous. We made our way to meet the host, Princess Celestia. She didn’t look overly surprised to see me and made little comment on it. Twilight had learned her lesson from the previous year, though, so we didn’t crowd Celestia for very long.

“So now what?” I asked as we aimlessly wandered around the party.

“We mingle!” Twilight happily answered.

“...Do you even know how to mingle?” I asked, already feeling a headache coming on.

“Of course! I read all about it last night, just as a refresher.”

“Oh God, we’re doomed…”

She swatted me with her tail and gave me a disapproving look. “That book was very informative, thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” And there’s the tail again. “You know, you’d probably have a lot more fun if you found a stallion or something to spend the party with.”

She tried to hide the blush forming on her face, but it didn’t work. “I… don’t think so. And uh… What about you? If I was with somepony else, what would you do all night?”

Go home? Hit up the library? Do almost anything other than this? “I’d probably find something.”

She snorted and said, “Like it or not, it’s important that everypony here knows you exist and know that you’re both civilized and relatively harmless. The ponies in the palace right now are some of the most influential in all of Equestria and could possibly have you hurt should they ever run into you elsewhere without actually knowing about you.”

I shrugged and replied, “Then I sue them and make bank. Everybody wins.”

“Except you’d be hurt. Or worse,” Twilight said. “So shush and let me try to find somepony to talk to.”

I cast my penetrating gaze about the room as she did the same, both of us looking for any easy targets with which we could converse. My eyes found someone first. “I see someone I want to talk to,” I said.

“Who?” Twilight asked, but by that point I was already walking. She just huffed and started following. It didn’t take long for her to figure out we were walking straight toward a harried looking Luna that was almost entirely surrounded by rich old fucks.

Luna’s gaze stumbled upon me as she was rolling her eyes and what was probably the first real smile she put on all night appeared on her face. “Ah, Navarone. It appears you received my invitation. I trust the guards gave you no trouble?”

“Not quite,” I said, crossing my arms. “I never got an invitation. Twilight told me I had to be here, but not why.”

Luna turned a disgruntled look upon the piteous purple pony, who gulped and said, “Oh, hello, Princess…”

“Twilight,” Luna answered, barely sparing her more than a glance before looking back to me. “Are you tied to Twilight Sparkle this night, Nav?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said with a shrug. “She dragged me here and said I had to stay with her, but fuck that.”

“Excellent. Then you shall be tied to me instead. You are a most useful deterrent, it seems,” she said, looking to her side. All of the toadies had scurried off while we were talking, from the looks of it. “Twilight, you will need to find somepony else to use as a social crutch.”

“But—”

“Come, Navarone. We have a party we must attend.” She started walking off without another word.

“Well alright then,” I quietly said. “I’ll see you back at your house, Twilight,” I said, louder. “Until then.”

“But—” I was already hurrying to follow Luna at that point, so I didn’t pay any mind to Twilight's whining. And since it seemed Luna was going outside, I had a feeling Twilight might not be following us. Well, she might have wanted to, but when Luna got out, she lifted her wings and started flying off. I joined her, though I was quite a lot slower. She matched my weak pace and flew next to me.

“So where are we going?” I asked.

“Getting away from the main event for some time,” she said. “Allow Twilight time to forget she was supposed to shepherd you. Maybe allow the foppish rich nobles that desire to suck up to me time to forget my presence.”

“So… where are we going?” I asked yet again.

“To the maze. ‘Tis a place of soothing. And it will give us a momentary place to hide.”

“How long are we going to be hiding?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t much care for parties, myself, but making fun of the rich behind their backs is a lot more fun than just sitting in a garden.”

“True. We shan’t take long. It will give us a moment to converse.” We were coming up on a giant maze thing now that I can’t believe I had never seen before, even though I was only in the castle for less than a day. We both landed in front of it and began walking in. “I started building my court according to the old ways.”

“How’s it working for you?” I asked.

“Exceptionally well. I’ve yet to have a single visitor. At all.”

“Hey, just think of all the time you have for your hobbies!” I joked, not quite liking the tone she had.

“That does little to assuage me, Nav. My reputation is… ruined would be an appropriate word. Most of those that do not think ill of me know little of me. I am beginning to gain some attention from the younger ponies, the… partiers, after visiting a few of their ‘clubs’. Apparently the nightlife is now much more lively. But I have yet to decide if such an… image is worth obtaining.”

“Hey, it’s better than nothing. How do you feel about art?”

“‘Tis a random question, but I do enjoy looking upon it. Why?”

“Well, I don’t know how it is here, but in my world, the night was a time for art and music, a haven for souls that wanted serenity for the perfect picture. I suggest doing some digging, see if it’s true here as well. If it is, become a patron of the arts. Theatre, painting, music, writing. Anything you can find or enjoy. Turn the night court into something exclusive, for the best of the best at the arts. It may not be the image you want, but it’s a start.”

“Once again, that is… something to consider. It does not seem to fit me very well, however.”

“It seems that you’re good with war and battle, but such things seem really uncommon now. Times change, Luna. Are you going to change to match them, or get left behind? Yes, this might not be something you’re comfortable with, and it doesn’t have to be your final choice. But you need to remake your entire image and I don’t think coming across as the princess of battle is the wisest of ideas.”

“...Very well. It is something I shall put to my advisors. We shall consider it strongly. And I suppose you would be the first one allowed into my exclusive court?”

“Oh God no. I fucking hate art. I don’t mind the products, but the actual process? Fuck no. And besides, the courtly life isn’t for me.”

“And once again you mention this… God. What is it?”

I sighed, thinking of ways to get around it. “You ask me who God is, but not what fuck means?”

“So God is a person? Is it your ruler? I believe the common ponies of today use my sister’s name as an expletive of sorts, occasionally.”

“That’s close enough to the truth,” I said with a shrug. Silence creeped its way into the conversation before I said, “You could also keep attending events. Like, Summer Wrap Up is happening in Ponyville in a few weeks. That’s something you could attend. Or plays. Concerts. Keep going to the clubs, I guess. All good ways to get your name out there. Get people talking about you again, in a good way. I can’t imagine being out here in the maze instead of in the party is doing good things to you.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “What do you suggest, then?”

“Go back in. Participate in the party. Talk to people. Don’t let your disgust show. As Twilight told me, the ponies in there right now are some of the most influential in the country. It might be a good idea to build your reputation up with them. Or at least, the ones that matter.”

“Perhaps. Again, how would you suggest going about it?”

“Man, fuck if I know. I ain’t never been to no damn high-roller party. If you were a guy, I’d tell you to dress fancy, have the hottest date, and be the social center of the party. That’s how it works in movies. But for you? No clue.”

“And why would that advice not work for me?”

I shrugged and said, “It might. I have no clue. You’re going to have to go without the hot date, though.” I knew as soon as I said it that I probably just fucked up. Her very knowing look told me as much.

“Are you… sure, Navarone?” she asked, slowly smiling.

“I can’t imagine I’d be ‘hot’ by any pony standard. And I have absolutely no desire to ever be a pony again, so yeah. Looks like you’re shit outta luck.”

“Nav, it will only be for a few hours.”

“That’s a few hours too many. And I wouldn’t even have a cutie mark or anything to wear. Hell, not even you have a dress.”

“I do, actually,” she said. “I just saw no reason to dress up for this occasion until now. And I know where we can obtain a suit that will fit you, but we will have to make holes for the wings.”

“And a cutie mark?” I asked, smiling.

“I can assist with that,” she said, her horn glowing slightly. “So it’s settled.”

“What? No it’s not. I never agreed to shit.”

She rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand with her hoof somehow, stopping me and turning me to face her. “Nav, will you be my date to the Gala?” she asked, her voice going a few octaves higher. She even put on a set of begging eyes that looked absolutely pitiful.

“...If I say no, will you start crying?” She nodded, her eyes already getting teary. “Fucking… whatever. But you better be able to block those damn pheromones. I don’t want what happened last time to happen again. Especially in such a public setting…”

“Worry not,” she said, her voice returning to normal and her eyes losing the tears. “Remain here. I shall be back momentarily.”

“What?” Instead of answering, her horn lit up and she teleported away. “Man, I really need to start saying no to people, I swear…”

I contemplated all the places my life had gone wrong until Luna popped back into existence next to me, wearing a rather strange dress. The front part of it was green with fanciful and flowering night-blue embroidery on it. From around her cutie mark and back, it was a flowing night blue, little sparkles and pinpoints of light appearing like stars. Lace covered it in alternating sections, creating a nice look. And along both sides of the lower back were two large peacock feathers, their colors fitting the rest of the ensemble very nicely. She had what looked like a string of pearls in her hair and a few flowery tendrils sticking out from her crown. Around her neck was a string of black pearls with a crescent moon centerpiece.

“Wow,” is all I could really say. “That’s… interesting.”

“Good interesting or bad interesting?” she asked, looking back at herself.

“I don’t know shit about fashion,” I answered, shrugging. “So it just looks… interesting.”

“Stallions,” she sighed, shaking her head. “Well, I managed to find a suit for you,” she said, holding up a clothes hanger with a normal looking pony suit on it. “Are you ready to transform?”

“I really don’t want to…” I said, trying to give her the same look she gave me.

“Your eyes aren’t large enough to pull off a proper pout,” she said, smiling. “So are you ready or not?”

“I’m going to need to take my clothes off first,” I sighed, already kicking off my shoes. “Since you just have to be so damn picky and can’t settle for a hot human instead.”

“Was it not you who said that you have few qualities we would be attracted to?” she asked, her smile turning to a smirk.

“I don’t remember saying shit,” I replied, pulling off my shirt. “And you better not be molesting me with your eyes when I get these pants off.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy it. All stallions do. Mmm…”

I tossed my shirt at her head, blocking her view. By the time she was able to get it off, my hands were covering my delicate organs. “Pervert,” I said.

“And you’re saying you’ve never sneaked a peek? I find that somewhat hard to believe, given how rarely mares cover themselves.”

“Not on purpose, no. Ugh, ew. Now are you gonna turn me or not? It may be summer now, but it’s still cold without clothes.”

“Yes, yes. Prepare yourself.” Having gone through the horrific transition at least once already, I knew there was no way to prepare for it. So I just stood there, waiting for the horror to begin.

And soon, the light from her horn reached nearly blinding levels before finally shooting out and slamming against me. The change began and ended quickly and painlessly, though not without discomfort. “Why does that spell have to exist?” I groaned, shaking my head at the sudden change in perspective.

“Because it is convenient, I suppose. You know, I don’t even remember where I found it originally… But that doesn’t matter. Put this on,” she ordered, thrusting the jacket thing at my face.

“That would be a lot easier if I knew how to use these damn hooves,” I said, waving one aimlessly. “Without fingers, they’re worthless to me.”

“Ugh. I could explain it, but it wouldn’t do you any good. Don’t move.” Before I could move or ask why I shouldn’t be, something picked me up. My ears flicked back, but she paid that no mind, just dressing me like a child. “Wish we could do something with your mane,” she idly mused, straightening the stupid bowtie I was now wearing. “But no matter. You are presentable, though you may not be the… what was it? ‘Hottest date’?”

“And you’re not even the least bit concerned what everyone is going to think when they see a princess there with a stallion? It won’t raise any kind of problems?”

“My sister informed me that it is semi-common for her to find a date for the Gala. Nothing romantic is usually meant by it, in our case. I assume the same will be assumed of this.”

“Good. Now put me down.”

“Not quite yet. Your disguise isn’t finished.” Something else floated up to me, this time my mouth. “Open,” she said, prodding me with the hunk of wood. Not knowing what to expect, I did so, letting her fit the chunk into my mouth. “Now bite.” Once again, I did, wondering just where she was going with this. “My apologies for this.” What?

And then there was a sudden searing pain on both sides of my ass. My eyes shot wide open as I gnawed at the bit in my mouth, almost silently screaming in pain. Just as quickly as it started, it ended, leaving me with just a raw ache on my sides. I spat the wood out. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“It had to be done,” she said, moving closer to me, her horn pointed at my chest. I tried shying away from her, but she was still holding me steady. Thankfully, this time a healing wave shot from her horn, easing the horrible pain in my ass. “It is merely a makeshift cutie mark, but it will suffice,” she said, backing away and nodding as she finally let me drop to the ground.

“Did you have to fucking brand me to do it?” I asked, turning my head to see what horrible thing she emblazoned into my flesh. It looked like a black axe crossed with a black sword. Burn marks. Christ.

“I didn’t have to,” she said. “But this is the only way to guarantee it will stick. Now hold still one moment…” I felt something probing under my jacket and flinched as she caressed the outside of my wings with magic. Then there was a small tearing sound and she pulled my wings entirely out of the suit. “There. Now nopony can say that you do not fit well.”

“Since I’m technically a pony, I can say that,” I said, trying to cross my arms before realizing both were on the ground.

“Then I suggest learning quickly how to fit in. Are you prepared to teleport?”

“...Where are we teleporting? I want to practice walking before we go anywhere with people.”

“Just outside the maze. We shall walk in.”

“Wait, aren’t I going to need a new name?”

“...Yes, you shall. Hm… What would fit, I wonder?”

“Well, you seem to be making me out to be a damn berserker, with this stupid ass tattoo, so why not something Nordic? Egill?”

“You are no poet… But I doubt many would recognize his works these days. It will do.”

“Wait what? You actually know who that is?”

“Indeed. I did battle with that warrior-poet on at least one occasion. He was quite a nuisance at times, but his words were impressive. ‘Tis a story for another time. Are you ready, Egill?”

“...Sure. But don’t expect any poems from me.”

“Eye-candy is there to be seen, not heard,” she said. “If anypony asks you a question, answer it. But for your sake and mine, don’t go any further. Forming friendships with these rich ponies while not truly existing is not a wise choice, I do not believe.”

“So boring trophy stallion?”

“Yes. I can’t imagine such a thing appeals, but it is only for a few hours.”

“Hey, it just means I ain’t gotta do shit. We gonna dance as well, or just walk and talk?”

“...Do you know how to dance?”

“Human on pony, yeah. Pony on pony… probably.”

“Then should the need for it arise, we shall. Now may we finally return to the party?”

“You have my permission to take us back, yes,” I said, smiling. She rolled her eyes and teleported us to the entrance of the maze closest to the castle. “Alright, let’s see if I can get these shitty legs to work…”

“Those are very fine legs,” she said. “You shouldn’t degrade them so.”

“Don’t make this awkward,” I warned, slowly starting to walk. “I was not made for four legs.”

“Mm, but they were made for you…”

“I swear to God, if you don’t stop fucking with me, I’m going to leave you for your sister,” I said.

“Wouldn’t be the first,” she muttered. Louder, she said, “Very well, Nav. I shall… behave.”

“Good. This is going to be bad enough without you awkwardly hitting on me all night.”

“...Awkward? True, I have little practice, but I thought I would be better than awkward.”

“That’s what you get for thinking. Alright, I think I’m good to walk. Just don’t ask me to quickly go up or down stairs.”

“Excellent. Then come, Egill. Let us… mingle.” She didn’t understand my sigh of consternation. “Is that not the correct word?”

“You sounded exactly like Twilight,” I said.

“Oh. I shall definitely be more careful in the future, then. Warn me if I begin to sound anything like her.”

“Noted. Now can we go? Sooner started, sooner finished.”

“We shall delay no longer,” she said with a nod, heading toward the entrance to the palace. I fell in step beside her. “Should I feel some manner of nerves?” she asked.

“Eh, maybe. I feel general reluctance and some total and abject horror, but that’s normal at this point.”

“I’ve conquered tribes by the hundred, nations by the dozen. Orchestrated assassinations and grand thefts. I shan’t let a party beat me now.”

“And if all else fails, you have a feathery dress and someone that doesn’t want to be here at your side,” I said, smiling at her nervousness.

“Only one of those fills me with any confidence. At least I have a friend with me.”

“That’s the spirit.”

As soon as we stepped inside the palace, absolutely nothing happened. Everyone kept talking to each other or doing what they were originally doing. “I was expecting a more immediate reaction,” Luna quietly said, stopping and looking around.

“Why? We didn’t exactly make a flashy entrance.”

“...Were we supposed to?”

“We’ve already been over this, Luna. I’ve never been to one of these parties. All I can say is that small fry will gravitate to you because you’re a princess. The highballers are gonna hang back, see how the tides are. Just gotta chill and deal with the bourgeois for a little while before the real marks take the bait.”

She was silent for several seconds before slowly saying, “Are we speaking the same language?”

Before I could reply, some female horse said, “That is quite a striking dress, Princess. Who made it?” We both turned and beheld a smiling mare and a nervous-looking stallion.

I barely nudged Luna, getting her to answer. “A fashion designer in Ponyville,” Luna slowly answered. And that is when I stopped paying any amount of attention. I wasn’t getting paid enough to even pretend to care about rich people problems. Since my job was eye candy, I just smiled, nodded, and did my best to look good.

However, sometimes that causes problems…

“I shall be back momentarily, Egill,” Luna said after some time had passed. “Remain here.”

“Very well, Luna,” I answered, already dreading the time until she returned. Oh God, no crutch… Here’s hoping no one decides to talk.

I wouldn’t be so lucky. Not fifteen seconds after Luna departed did the falcon swoop in for its presumed prize. “Poor little stallion with no mistress,” a disturbingly sensual voice whispered next to my face, a caress against my ear. I flinched and turned that way, but there was no one there. Then another whisper came from the other side. “Just waiting for somepony to claim him…” Once again, when I turned that way, no one was there. My eyes narrowed when I felt a very unwelcome weight on my back. “Somepony that can make any fantasy come true…”

“Show yourself or leave,” I demanded, getting very tired of this game.

“Mm, commanding… I love being ordered around!” The weight slipped from my back and a long-legged white mare stepped into view. Her hair was white and pink and her eyes gave me what probably should have been a sexy stare but only looked silly because she was a horse. Every single thing about her screamed ‘SLUT’ to me. “And just who are you, my handsome stallion?”

“Egill, escort of Princess Luna,” I flatly answered, wondering if she’d let me leave if I just turned around and walked away. My guess was no.

“Oh? I don’t see her around here…”

“She went to retrieve something,” I replied.

“Hm. And when do you think she will return?”

“Momentarily,” I said.

“Plenty of time,” she breathed, inching closer. “What say you leave that old relic behind and spend some time with the most beautiful mare in Equestria?”

“Not interested.”

She blinked in surprise. From that blink, I immediately realized that I made a mistake. “A challenge,” she said with a slowly growing smile. “She’s been trapped on the moon for a thousand years. She’s rusty, old-fashioned. What pleasure could she give you that I could not?”

“The pleasure of good company,” I shot back.

Her eyebrows jerked slightly and I knew I scored a point. But the battle was far from over. “I’ve been voted the most beautiful mare in Equestria several years running. Several ponies have compared my beauty to that of a flame. Hot. Dangerous. Entrancing.” That last word was barely whispered, her voice going soft.

“A flame will light a room. The moon lights the entire sky and all the world under it. And what is your flame, that will flicker and die, when compared to the moon, as eternal and unchanging as the stars themselves?”

Her face was slowly becoming apoplectic. “I am rich, powerful, and young!” she practically yelled, drawing many heads our way. From the looks on their faces, they had already been listening, but were surprised to see the ‘debate’ going on for so long.

“Luna owns an entire country, not that wealth or power matters to one such as I. And with age comes wisdom, which is more fulfilling and attractive than any youth ever could be.”

One of her eyes was constantly twitching at this point. “I know every way there is to please a stallion!”

“And I imagine you’ve used every one on a different partner. I’ve no desire to throw a hotdog down a hallway and I imagine your cunt is even worse.”

Her mouth just dropped and her entire face turned red. There were gasps and snickers from all around us. “I will end you!” she hissed, trying to surge forward to throw herself at me.

She didn’t get any closer than she already was as Luna stepped out from the crowd. “I suggest you leave, trollop,” Luna declared, her eyes narrowed in rage. If I had to guess, I’d say her magic was keeping the mare away from me.

“This beast impugned my honor!” the mare shouted. “I demand dueling rights!”

“And you impugned mine when attempting to steal him from me,” Luna coldly answered. “I suggest you rescind your demand or I will press my dueling rights.”

I don’t know how much Luna’s reputation had to do with it, but the white mare’s ears flicked down. However, her eyes narrowed as her head turned to me. “You missed out,” she said as some stupid attempt at saving face or possibly getting the last word, since she turned around right after.

“On a disease, maybe,” I replied as she stalked away. “Well that was fun,” I said with a smile, turning back to Luna. She was also wearing a smile, but hers was… somewhat more sinister. “Uh…”

“Come, Egill. Let us walk.” Oh boy… We started walking through the party again, getting considerably more looks this time. When we were away from the place where the incident occurred, she said, “So… Not a poet, hm?”

“Uh… How much of that did you hear?”

“Oh, all of it…” she said, for some reason sounding very pleased with herself.

Fuck. “I’m acting as your date, right? It would be remiss of me to not support you.”

“But so vehemently? And with such wounding words to the poor mare… I imagine her pride will smart for some time.”

“It probably also made her your enemy. And mine, not that it matters. If she’s as popular as she thinks she is, we might have just cut off a major avenue for you.”

“Maybe. But my honor is more important, I believe. Now, would my champion like some boon for protecting his princess’s honor?”

“Nah,” I replied after a second of pretending to think. She actually froze a step in surprise, throwing her off balance. “So now what?” I asked, ignoring her shock.

She recovered quickly, I’ll give her that. “Most ponies know better than to deny a princess when she offers you a boon,” she slowly said.

“I’m not a pony,” I quietly shot back. “So again, now what?”

“We find something to dine upon,” she said, seeming somewhat disappointed. “Thankfully, there is little lack of variety.”

“You want me to find us a table while you go get something?” I asked, casting a short glance around the seemingly full room.

“Make it somewhere more… private,” she said, nodding. “I will have no troubles finding you. What would you like me to bring back?”

“I’m not hungry. And you would have to feed me anyway, with these damn hooves. So nothing for me.” I actually was hungry, but I really didn’t want her to have to feed me.

“Fine,” she said, almost coldly. “Find us a private table.” Jesus. Went from her good graces to making her upset that quickly? Bitches be trippin’, man.

Anyway, I quickly left her presence, allowing her to take her pick of whatever the fuck she wanted. Since I had a goal in mind this time, I wasn’t too terribly worried about anyone trying to confront me.

I was a fool.

Barely half a minute after I escaped Luna, a group of about five mares approached me. That put me on my guard immediately, given my past experiences, but they all giggled when they saw my face harden. “We aren’t here to steal you away, good sir,” the mare in front said, putting on one of the first genuine smiles I had seen all night.

“That’s… nice to hear,” I answered, not trusting it in the slightest. “How can I help you?”

“You already have,” another one answered. “It’s good to see that hussy put in her place.”

“Manners, dear,” another one said, patting the mare on the side with a hoof. To me, she added, “Fleur has a… habit of seducing stallions. Those she desires rarely put up much of a fight. Those that do… find bad things happening to them. With that reputation...”

“So we’re here to warn you,” the original one said. “What you did was well-needed, but be wary. Fighting against somepony like her is honorable and finding a stallion so loyal is commendable, but should you leave your princess’s side for long in the coming weeks…”

“You may have poor luck,” one mare finally finished.

“You needn’t worry about me,” I said. “This slut may be powerful and have some pull, but she would need a very long reach to bring any harm to me after this night is over. And my cutie mark is two weapons for a reason. She may attempt to harm my reputation, but she would be very hard-pressed to physically wound me.”

“Just be wary, good sir,” one of them said. “It would be a shame for something to happen to somepony so loyal and… handsome.”

“I’ll be fine,” I replied with what I hoped was a winning smile. “But I do need to go. My date has requested I obtain something for her. It would not do to keep her waiting.”

“It wouldn’t,” the original chick said with a nod. “Come, girls. Let’s see how Fancy Pants is taking it.” Each of them smiled and nodded before the whole group took off.

Bitches. Be. Trippin’. Anyway, with that little thing out of the way, I successfully managed to find a table in a relatively empty side-room that had a privacy shield should anyone want to use it.

However, it seemed my troubles were still not quite over. A servant came by moments after I sat down and dropped off a note. “Who’s this from?” I asked him, since there were no names on it.

“A nameless benefactor, sir,” he answered. “Now I’m afraid I must depart. There is much work to be done.”

I didn’t reply, since he was already leaving. That said, I couldn’t exactly open the letter, either, what with my shitty hooves. God, why would anyone want to be a fucking pony? This is awful.

Thankfully, Luna arrived shortly after, levitating two plates next to her. When she reached the table, she set them down and pulled down the shield thing. “There. Now we may finally converse once more in private,” she said, smiling faintly.

“We could’ve just left,” I said as she pushed one of the plates toward me. I didn’t even consider touching it.

“You were so insistent earlier that we—or at least, I—attend,” she said. “And yet now you seem so eager to depart. Is the party truly so deplorable?”

I lifted one of my hooves. “I am not a fucking horse, Luna. Being in this body practically makes me sick from how different it is. Look, I can’t even open this fucking letter!” I said, poking the thing with a hoof to no effect.

“Hm, a letter?” she asked, grabbing it with magic. “Who is it from?”

“Nameless benefactor,” I sighed. “Either one more to add to the long list of shitty pony names, or just some random guy that wanted to stay anonymous. A servant dropped it off.”

“Well, let’s see what it says,” she said, opening it and pulling out the precious contents before beginning to read to herself.

“Where I come from, it’s a felony to read someone else’s mail,” I said, my eyes narrowing slightly.

“I don’t think that is the case here,” she absentmindedly answered. “But it’s just an invitation. One on a date coming soon. It is for Egill, not Navarone.”

“And Egill will not exist past this night, so it doesn’t matter,” I said.

“Are you… sure?” she asked, looking up to me.

“Positive,” I nearly growled. “Might as well burn the invitation. Or just throw it away.”

“So be it.” And just like that, the paper disappeared in a flash. “Now, let us dine.” She began to pick at the random stuff on her plate. I just closed my eyes and relaxed, pretending to attempt to meditate but probably not really doing anything other than looking stupid. After some time, she sighed. “Really? Are you not going to eat?”

“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” I answered, opening my eyes. Her plate was empty and she seemed annoyed. “And the only way I could eat is if I shoved my face to the plate or you fed me. You don’t want to feed me and I don’t want to be fed, so there’s no reason for me to eat.”

“It is… disappointing that you have no desire to even try to use your hooves,” she said.

“And it’s disappointing that you expect me to try after me saying repeatedly how awful it is to be in this body.”

“...Well, for me, the party is almost over. You shan’t be trapped in such a form for long. There is just one more thing that needs doing ere we depart.”

“Good! Let’s do it quickly, then.”

...I didn’t like her smile. “Come then, Egill. Let us dance.” All I could do in response was sigh. “‘Twas you who made the offer, earlier in the night,” she said, grinning. “I was merely waiting for the opportune time… or for you to ask me.”

Good thing you didn’t hold your breath. “Then let’s find the dance floor, I suppose,” I said, pushing the plate away from me.

“You’re my date, Egill,” she said, pushing the shield thing up. “Try to sound more enthusiastic.”

“No promises,” I flatly replied. “But dancing will be… interesting. For better or worse.”

“Then come,” she said, standing. My wings twitched, but I joined her anyway. What the fuck else was I going to do? Though for some reason, she seemed to prance slightly as we walked, something that was rather disconcerting to me.

I didn’t comment on it, though. It didn’t seem like a wise idea. Soon enough, we reached the dance floor. “Should we just jump in?” I asked, eying the dancing couples. “Ballroom etiquette isn’t my thing.”

“We wait for the perfect moment,” she quietly said, watching the slowly moving mass of dancers. “...And insert ourselves,” she added, grabbing me and pulling me onto the floor. “Get your rhythm quickly,” she said, positioning herself appropriately.

As much as I hated to say it, the lessons Pinkie was forcing me to take paid off. It was different as a filthy horse, but the steps were similar enough that I could make do. So I fell into a rhythm, dancing across the floor with the princess of the night… her hair constantly falling into my face because of how it moved. Not the most pleasant of things, but she seemed to enjoy it well enough.

We got through one song and danced on through the next. And then the next. And then we got to one where partners were swapped. Personally, I was rather relieved about that. Not that dancing with Luna was entirely unpleasant, but she was a lot taller than me as a pony and it was really awkward and uncomfortable.

So it was unfortunate that one of my partners ended up being Celestia. “And how are you enjoying the night, ‘Egill’?” she coyly asked, putting a particular emphasis on the false name.

“Eh, it’s alright,” I answered, trying to hide the small surprise I felt to be dancing with someone as big as Celestia. “Wish it was over, though.”

“If you want, I’m sure I can arrange something more… entertaining for the two of us.”

“Not interested. I just want to get turned back as quickly as possible.”

“I suspected that was you,” she said, smiling widely. “I’ve a small warning, Nav.”

“Make it fast,” I said, noticing we were close to swapping partners again.

“Be mindful of your interactions with my sister. I heard what happened earlier…”

“It was taken care of, Princess.”

From the smile she gave me, I had a feeling that wasn’t quite what she meant. Before I could ask about it, however, she was swept away, getting replaced by a purple mare I was more familiar with. “You look… familiar!” Twilight said, seeming rather shocked.

“I wonder why,” I answered, smiling and taking her into my pseudo-arms.

“...Nav?” she slowly asked.

“And here I was, thinking you didn’t even know how to dance,” I said, tossing her off to the next partner. And so the dance went until Luna was once again in my possession. “I’m getting tired,” I said when that dance ended.

“One more,” she said. “Then we can get you turned back.”

“Deal.”

And of course, it turned out to be a slow dance. Since there wasn’t much else to do aside from control the few steps I had to make, I let my eyes wander across the floor. Oddly enough, many of the couples I saw were either kissing or nuzzling or other weird things. When I looked back to Luna, I found that she was looking at me.

In the light and with the smile on her face… With the night we had and all the fun we had before… It made me realize something. Man, Luna’s a fucking horse. Good thing she doesn’t want me kissing her.

Soon enough, the dance ended. She pulled me from the dance floor quickly enough. “So we’re done?” I sighed in relief as she began leading me toward the maze, where I left all my clothes.

“Perhaps,” she said, flashing me a secretive smile.

“As long as I can get turned back, I don’t give a fuck,” I sighed, popping my neck. We were nearing the maze, at least.

“You need not worry,” she said, moving closer to me as we walked. I unconsciously backed off from her. By the time we got to the maze, I was almost touching the wall and she was actually leaning into me. My ears twitched when she draped a wing over me to stop me from going any farther. “This was… nice,” she said, pulling me back to the middle as we continued walking to where I left my clothes.

I didn’t respond.

“We possibly made an enemy or two, but we made more friends, I think,” she continued. “And it was quite nice, hearing you defend me so.”

I stayed quiet.

“Ah, here we are…” she said when we found where we left my stuff just lying on the ground. None of it had been molested, thankfully. “Allow me to… unwrap you,” she said, biting her lip slightly. Before I could say anything, she grabbed me with magic and slowly started pulling the suit off me, smiling all the while. Soon I stood before her, naked but for my fur.

“It’ll feel good to be back in my skin,” I said, smiling and trying to ignore the growing pit of nervousness I felt in my stomach.

“Hm.” I felt the change overtake me as my body corrected itself, turning into the proper form. It felt… very right and much, much better. Of course, I immediately reached for my pants… But was stopped by a blue aura. When I looked up to ask her about it, there was suddenly a pony face in mine, pressing her mouth against mine.

Oh God! Oh God oh God oh God!

Thankfully, the horrifying moment ended quickly, a blushing Luna pulling away from my very shocked form. “Did… did you just…” I stammered, lost and confused.

“Is that not how dates end?” she asked, her blush subsiding slightly.

“But we… W-what?”

“We are—or were—acting as a couple, a date. I believe it is custom for dates to end with a kiss, is it not? Consider that the end of our… act.”

A sigh of relief flowed through me. “You had me worried there for a second,” I said, a nervous chuckle escaping my mouth. “So can I put my clothes on now?”

“By all means,” she said, looking away. For a second, I thought I saw some reaction on her face, but when I looked again she seemed relatively impassive, though slightly amused.

Either way, I wasted no time putting some clothes on, their familiar weight and warmth settling over me and protecting my naked form from the world. “Feels much better,” I happily sighed, checking all my pockets to make sure I had everything I should.

“Hm. Is there anything you desire or need from me before I depart?” Luna asked, looking back to me with a hint of hope.

“Not really. But are you okay? You seem… I don’t know, off.”

“I’m just… tired,” she said, though I had to say it sounded like a lie to me. “I had to wake up early for this party. Some rest will do me good.”

“Then go rest,” I said. “And don’t forget that Summer Wrap Up is coming soon, if you’re interested in attending. I imagine the ponies in Ponyville would be happy to see you.”

“I will make an effort to attend,” she said. “But farewell for now, Nav.”

“See you later,” I replied, nodding. Her horn lit up and for a second I thought I was about to get hugged again, but instead she just teleported out. “Man, she keeps teleporting instead of walking, she’s gonna grow as plump as Celestia…”

But that wasn’t my problem. I just started walking out of the maze, looking for the exit and whistling an old song. Despite being stuck as a horse for so long, the night wasn’t really all that bad.

...If I was smarter, I would have foreseen the beginnings of a very big problem that night.

Chapter Eleven—Summer Wrap Up

Chapter Eleven—Summer Wrap Up

All things told, I wasn’t looking forward to the change in season again. It felt like spring and summer just started and they were already ending. And since I’m from a place where the climate is a lot warmer on average and snow is more of a myth than a hard (or soft) reality, the winter weather was particularly harsh to me.

Hell, it’s not like the ponies couldn’t control the weather anyway. I don’t see why they couldn’t just skip winter entirely. Fall is nice, sure. But winter? Ugh. Sadly, none of the ponies seemed to like my suggestion.

Anyway, the day of summer wrap up came not too long after the Gala. Ponyville was in full swing, with a large fair set up through the entire village. Dozens of people from out of town were there, all for the apparently semi-famous festival. The hospitality of the earth ponies was known far and wide, apparently.

I was not. As the fair was setting up, a good number of the ponies stopped what they were doing and stared as I passed. Since I was in the middle of dealing with Twilight at the time, I didn’t pay them any mind.

“And that’s why I’m hosting a history show this year!” she finished happily as we walked.

I trudged along next to her, slouched with my hands in my pockets. “So because a few foals didn’t know who Starswirl was, you decided this would be a good idea,” I said.

“Yes! Everypony out there should know our history. It’s important!”

“And it took you almost an entire year to do this.”

“...I wanted to be thorough. You’re going to help me, right?”

Sorry, I don’t speak English. “Can’t. Luna’s coming in tomorrow. She asked me to be her… guide. Don’t know why she needs one, but I ain’t gonna complain.”

“Oooh, that means I need to find somepony else! Hm… Maybe Princess Luna would help! She knew about Starswirl!”

I snorted and said, “Yeah, but she’s going to be busy having fun. If Halloween—”

“Nightmare Night,” she interjected.

“—Halloween was any indication, she likes carnival games. And she likes winning. I imagine she’ll be spending all her time competing. But hey, I heard Celestia was coming in as well. Maybe you can drag her to it. She probably knows just as much history as Luna.” Or more, considering she wasn’t away from things for a thousand years.

“Hm… I don’t want to take away from the princess’s time like that…” But you were willing to do it for Luna? “Maybe I’ll ask somepony else. I think I know all I need to know, anyway. I just need some actors!”

“And a booth.”

She smiled and asked, “Where do you think we’ve been walking?”

“I assumed we were going to a bakery,” I answered with a shrug.

She stopped in front of a taped off space and shook her head. “You always think that! But no, this is where my tent is going. Now let’s get it put up.”

I looked around our small area then back to where Twilight was just standing there with a smile. “...Where’s the tent?”

“...Buck!”

The next day was an early one. Even if I had been planning on sleeping in, the screams and gay laughter of the children outside would have woken me up.

Of course, I didn’t actually go outside yet. For one, I’m really not all that interested in carnivals in general. Sure, they’re interesting. And yeah, they can have some amazing—and really unhealthy—food. But they tend to be really expensive and not all that fun. The only reason I was going to participate at all is because Luna wanted me to and I have a real problem saying no to people.

And the other reason is that Luna needed some way to find me in that mess. Sure, I stick out like a black man in Europe, but the town nearly doubled in size with the large extension set up outside of it. Even with me looking very different, it could be difficult to find me. So I just told her that I’d be waiting in the library and to not hurry when she decided to come.

With luck, I thought, she would decide against it.

I had no such luck, of course. She reached the library a lot later than I thought she would, at least. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to get here,” I said, letting her in.

“I had business to take care of first,” she said, peering around the room. “Is Twilight Sparkle not in?”

“She’s at her booth, running a history fair.” I noticed something on Luna at that point and reached over to grab it. “Why is there a leaf in your hair?” I asked, holding it up. Looks like something out of the Everfree.

She looked at it for a moment before shrugging. “It’s windy and I flew in. Are you ready to begin the day?”

“Sure, I guess. I just need to put some shoes on. I was starting to think you weren’t coming.”

“I said I would, did I not? I would not let you down so easily.”

Let me down. Right. “You want to eat before we go? Carnival food ain’t usually cheap. Or healthy. Got some pork in the fridge from your griffin friends.”

“I shall front the cost, should we grow hungry,” she said. “I am most eager to finally begin the day!”

So much for stalling. And unfortunately, my shoes were obviously within sight as soon as she walked in, so that plan was out as well. Ah well. Hanging with Luna’s pretty fun. Maybe that’ll offset the shitty fair.

With that not very reassuring thought in mind, I slid my shitty cloth shoes on and popped my knuckles, signifying that I was ready. To Luna, however, it signified something else. “Does that not hurt?” she asked, tilting her head as she watched me fiddle with my hands.

“Nope. It limbers them up, making them easier to move. It’s probably a bad habit, but it’s not like I have much going for me anyway. Shall we?”

“Let’s,” she replied, flashing me an oddly sinister smile. I just shrugged it off as we left the library behind.

“So what do you want to do first?” I asked.

“We shall wander, seeing what activities are offered. I believe my sister said she participates in one of them often. Perhaps we can find and best her.”

“Then let’s wander.” And so we began. “Anything come of that slut at the Gala?”

“...Slut. Is such a word used to describe the mare that attempted to steal you?”

“Slut, whore, hussy. There are a lot of words for it. Any repercussions?”

“None of which I am aware. There are few that would dare seek vengeance against a princess. Though I did have many ask what happened to Egill.”

“Did you tell them that he died in a tragic bunny fire accident?”

“I informed them that the warrior-poet Egill returned home. Many were disappointed, mostly mares.”

“And nothing of value was lost. You know, I’m surprised you can get away without guards at something like this.”

“I do have guards. They remain inconspicuous, but would come if I called. We never leave the palace without them.” Unless you’re Celestia, apparently. “Why? Do you worry for my safety?”

“Just an observation,” I replied with a shrug. “I doubt you would find many people willing to hurt the two beings everyone thinks moves the sun and moon.”

“...Thinks, Navarone?”

“Oh hey, that guy fixed his bell!” I pointed over to the strength-tester thing, hoping to turn her baleful gaze away so I didn’t have to explain that her moving the moon was bullshit.

Thankfully, she took the bait. “Indeed he did. I bet I can ring it again.”

“If he’ll let you try,” I replied, following her as she walked to the guy with a purposeful gait.

When the poor bastard saw us coming, his ears flinched back and he looked away, hoping we’d take the hint. However, Luna is either terrible at social cues or just completely apathetic. Either way, she said, “I will ring that bell, citizen.”

The guy sighed and turned back to us. “Hello again, Princess. I uh… modified the machine this time. Instead of bucking it, you uh… use this hammer,” he said, grabbing the rubber sledgehammer that was resting against the machine.

“And I just… swing this down?” she asked, taking the thing into her hooves.

“That’s right!” he answered, hastily nodding.

Luna reared up on her back legs, taking the hammer in both of her hooves, and very quickly slammed it down onto the target. The vendor’s eyes jerked as they followed the weight on the machine, watching it slam into the bell on the top… and come sliding back down, leaving the thing intact. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Nice,” I said appreciatively. At least she didn’t destroy it this time.

“I have bested your machine of strength once more!” Luna happily said, pushing the hammer my way. I caught it and realized the fucker was probably about as heavy as a toddler.

“Ah, indeed you did, Princess!” he answered, smiling. “And won a very nice prize, as well!” He reached into the large bag next to him and pulled out a massive lamb, handing it to her.

She took the thing with a smile before looking my way. “Now it is your turn, Navarone. Let us see how well you do.”

“Nah,” I said, setting the hammer back against the machine. “I’m not strong at all.”

“You will either try or you will become my prize holder for the day,” she said, her eyes narrowing slightly.

I just sighed, grabbing the mallet again. “Prepare to be underwhelmed,” I said before lifting the thing overhead. It slammed against the target with a thin thud. I barely scored a five. “Alright then, we’re done,” I said, setting the mallet back.

“You didn’t even try,” Luna said, her eyes narrowing even further.

“No, I’m just really not strong,” I said. “My power is in my mind, not my arms.” And also I didn’t try. Even if I had, though, I probably only would have gotten a six.

Luna snorted and said, “Fine. Perhaps I need to begin training you.”

“Not interested. Shall we move on?”

“...We can discuss it later,” she said, using magic to float the lamb to her back. “Let us… roam.” We started walking again, leaving the relieved hammer guy behind. “You know, my first time at one of these, you gave me all your winnings. Should I not give you mine in recompense?”

“I’m afraid not,” I hastily said. “That goes against tradition.”

“...And which tradition is that?” she asked.

I shrugged and replied, “The guy wins prizes for the girl. And I’m afraid that I’m the guy here, so you can’t be winning me anything.”

“And could I not give them as a gift instead?”

“You could, but it would be tacky. What I did wouldn’t be gift-giving, then. It would simply be belated trading.” Here’s hoping she buys it.

“...Very well.” Hook, line, and sinker. “I shall find some other way of giving you a gift, then. That is what… friends do, is it not?”

“I don’t know, maybe? There’s not anything I want, anyway.”

“Too bad. You shall be rewarded this day for all that you have done for me.”

I chuckled and said, “What, spending time with you isn’t reward enough?”

“I…” Oh man, did I really say that? When I looked over at her, she was blushing quite hard and looking away. “It is… flattering that you think so.”

“So what other games do you want to play?” I asked, doing my best to change the subject.

“I have heard of one called… caber toss?” she said, sounding not quite sure.

“No clue what that is,” I said, shrugging.

“It is when you throw a log. I saw it when I was flying in and asked one of my guards about it. Apparently it is quite a popular sport here.”

“...Log thro—Oh! I know what that is, yeah. Saw some guys doing it once. You’d have to be really strong to do that.”

“Then that is where we shall go!”

“There are plenty of other games out there, you know,” I said. “Less things involving strength. Or are you just trying to find games that you can beat me at?”

“Is it so wrong that I would like to do something that I enjoy?” she tossed back.

“Fair enough. Lead the way.” Just means I don’t have to play carnival games… Or beat her at them.

Off we went, toward the outskirts of the town. “This is quite a crowd,” she commented as we walked. “I didn’t realize Ponyville had this many citizens.”

“It doesn’t. Most of them are from out of town. A traveling fair always comes to town for this event, apparently. And a lot of other people come here for the event. Earth pony hospitality is quite famous, it seems.”

“Hm. I remember a time, long ago, when things were… different. Those were simple days, when magic was magic and spells didn’t even exist…” What? “But the past is the past. It is good to see that the work my sister and I did paid off well, that this peace exists so freely.”

“If you’re equine-shaped, at least,” I muttered, seeing plenty of stares getting sent my way from the crowd and some vendors that we passed.

Luna didn’t catch what I said, probably due to the crowd. It’s likely for the best, either way. Then I felt a hoof across my stomach, stopping me. I looked over and saw Luna looking at one of the tents. “...Fortunes?” she slowly asked.

“Lies,” I corrected. “They use extremely ambiguous and vague statements that could apply to anyone and slowly narrow down your problem with a series of lucky and pointed guesses. Just a waste of time and money.”

“How does one read a hoof?” she asked, still not moving.

“Again, you don’t,” I said. “They make a show of tracing lines and then spout random statements that could apply to anyone and sound hopeful, but are completely meaningless.”

“And… tarot cards?”

“More bullshit. Let’s just keep moving.” Thankfully, she dropped her hoof so we could move on.

“It seems… odd that somepony could build a profession upon lies,” she said. “Is such a thing not frowned upon?”

“People are fucking stupid,” I answered with a shrug. “And hope is always a very valuable commodity. Fortune-tellers give hope to those that aren’t educated enough to realize that they’re just spouting bullshit. Some people are just comforted by the thought that someone can read their fate and give them advice based on it. But such a thing is impossible.”

“Nay, it’s not,” she said. “I just have yet to rediscover the tools that allow me to do it. Though my sister advised me that such a thing might be for the best.”

“Hm.” I very much agreed with Celestia, but I figured Luna could do whatever she wanted. Either way, it wasn’t my problem.

“YOU!” some male voice yelled right next to us. Luna and I both jumped at the suddenness, turning to face a massive white pegasus with ridiculously tiny wings and red eyes. Steroid junkie? Compensating? Albino? “ARE YOU READY TO BULK UP?!” the dude yelled at me.

“Uh… no?” I slowly said, my eyes taking in the sign over the tent behind him that said ‘personal trainer’.

He grabbed something behind him, loudly saying, “Yeah!” Protein powder? Can horses even use that?

“...No,” I said, either way.

He tossed that behind him and grabbed a few more things, this time energy bars. “Yeah!”

“Cease, citizen!” Luna answered him, sounding somewhat peeved. “If anypony is to train Nav, ‘twould be I.”

All the energy bars fell to the ground. “Yeah?” he asked, almost smirking. It was hard to tell with the horrifying muscles all over him.

“Yes!” Luna replied. “Do you not think I could handle it, citizen?” she asked, a icy edge entering her voice.

“...Yeah,” the trainer answered, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Is that a challenge?” she shot back, her head lowering and her foot revving her body up to charge.

“YEAH!” the weird guy shouted.

“Then so be it. How wouldst thou like to proceed? No magic, hoof only?”

“Yeah!”

“Hold it,” I said, putting a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “Let it go, Luna. You have nothing to prove.” And there was a crowd growing, having heard the very obvious spectacle.

“I shall teach him manners,” she said, not even looking at me. “Stand aside and hold these.” Her horn lit up, pushing me to the edge of the small circle that had formed around us. The lamb and her four shoes and tiara were thrust into my hands. “Are you prepared?” she asked him.

“Yeah!”

“Then have at thee!”

The fight was over in two seconds, one of Luna’s front hooves smashed into the dude’s face. He dropped like it was hot, completely delirious.

“Stallions these days are more fragile than I thought,” she said, looking down on the poor bastard in surprise.

“Good job, you broke him,” I disappointedly said, dropping her crap and walking over to kneel down next to him. After looking him over, I said, “Best guess is broken nose, but I’m no doctor. Either way, he needs to get to the medical tent.”

“...Yeah,” the stallion whispered, his eyes crossed.

“‘Tis my fault, so I shall heal him,” Luna said, walking over. Her horn went to the dude’s face and she poured some magic into him. His eyes corrected themselves and he blinked, proper consciousness returning. “Are you well?” Luna asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and rubbing at his face. Luna and I backed off, giving him room.

When I realized he was okay, I just walked over to the stuff I dropped, grabbing it off the ground piece by piece. Though why I was doing that instead of letting Luna do it, I don’t know. But she seemed to be talking to the trainer dude, so I don’t suppose she was paying attention. So I just draped the lamb across her back and then set the crown atop her head, making sure it was askew enough to be annoying. I wasn’t about to fuck with her hooves, though, so I just held onto the surprisingly heavy shoes.

“Farewell, citizen,” Luna finally said to the dude. “This was an interesting discourse.”

“Yeah,” he answered, nodding. Luna and I finally began walking again.

“These aren’t very light, you know,” I said when we got a few meters away.

“Perhaps this should be the beginning of your training,” she said, casting a glance toward the large horse-shoes I was still holding onto.

“Or you could stop being so lazy and take them back,” I said.

“Oh, very well,” she sighed, stopping and holding up one of her front hooves. I carefully balanced one of her shoes on top of it. “What are you doing?”

“Handing you the first one back,” I said.

“...You are supposed to put them on, Nav.”

“Do these things look like they’ll fit me?” I asked, not liking what she was implying.

“On me,” she emphasised.

“Do I look like a servant?” I asked. “Because I ain’t no slave. Now if you ask politely, I’ll consider it. But otherwise, I’ll just drop them and let you sort them out yourself.”

“...It is rare that anypony would speak to a princess in such a manner,” she slowly said.

“I ain’t no pony,” I replied. “I feel like we’ve been over this before. Honestly, it’s a little insulting that you would even have a term like that, when there are plenty of other races out there that aren’t ponies. Are you saying they’re not included?”

“It was a ploy created by my sister three thousand years ago to increase nationalistic fervor among ponies to inspire unity,” she answered without thought. “Now will you please assist me in putting on my shoes?”

“Sure,” I replied, fitting one of them onto the hoof that was still outstretched. It took me a second to get the weird thing on correctly, but she stamped her hoof down gently, making sure it stuck, before lifting her other front hoof. Another shoe went into that one, once again stomped into place. Then she turned around and thrust one of her back legs up. That had the unfortunate side effect of showing me more than I ever wanted to see, but I was good at ignoring such things by now, so I got the last two shoes on easily.

“Was that really so hard?” she asked, making sure the shoes were properly settled on each foot.

“I don’t know. Is it really so hard to treat a friend like a person instead of a slave?” I asked.

“Fair enough,” she said, starting to walk once more. “I am… unused to friendship. For the longest time, there were three castes. My sister, my servants, and the ones outside of the castle. Aside from my sister, all would hop to obey at my command. It is… different, having somepony that is not beholden to follow your commands.”

Figured a thousand years on the moon would break that habit right quick, but whatever. “Hm. Be mindful of it in the future,” I said. “Even outside of just your friends, you should at the very least be polite and ask for things instead of demanding them. Or worse, just assuming them.”

“I am aware. It just takes practice and time. But I am better than I was, am I not?”

“True. Hey, is that the log tossing thing?” I asked, nodding ahead of us where I saw some stallion attempting to pick up and throw a log that was three times my height.

“Indeed it is,” she said, smiling. “I trust that you are going to compete as well?” she asked, casting me a sidelong glance.

“Hell no. That shit would throw out my back faster than you can say the.”

“...The what?”

“Just the word the. It’s only three letters, so it’s really quick to say.”

She just shook her head at my cleverness, continuing to walk toward what looked like a place to sign up. Of course, I followed. After all, I figured it would be amusing to see how well she could throw something like that.

When we got to the small booth set up, the mare behind the counter looked up from filing her hoof… and continued looking up, not realizing just how tall her two new customers were. “Oh my…” she whispered, her eyes going wide as she realized with whom she was dealing.

“I am here to compete,” Luna said.

“Uh… really?” the chick asked, blinking in surprise.

“Yes, really. Is this where I sign up?” Luna asked.

“Um. Yes. I just… You know what, I think you meet the qualifications,” she nervously said. The mare grabbed a quill and wrote Luna’s name on a card, then pushed it to us. “Just… give this to the stallion over there by the logs. He’ll fill you in.”

“Excellent.” Luna grabbed the card with magic and began to march off to the throwing line.

Of course, I started following, but the mare stopped me. “Are you also going to compete?”

“Nah,” I answered. “Just here to watch Luna.” She blinked in shock at my informality, but I didn’t give her time to ask another question, just continuing to follow moonbutt.

When we got to the guy at the front, who was watching someone prepare to throw, Luna gently cleared her throat, catching the dude’s attention. He turned our way and blinked. “Can I help you, Princess?” he asked after a few seconds.

“I was told to give you this,” she said, floating the card toward him.

He took it from the air and scanned it. “Oh, you’re competing. Are… Uh, are you sure?”

“Yes. When may I throw?”

“After this fellow tosses,” he said. “Standard earth pony rules, so no magic or flying. I suggest stretching before you throw.”

“Hm. Navarone, would you help me remove my shoes?”

“You got ‘em off yourself last time.”

“Yes, and that was before I realized you might be willing to assist.”

“Sure. But I’m going to find out if ponies can be ticklish on their hooves while I’m doing it.”

“...I shall manage alone,” she said before using magic to pull each one off. That didn’t stop her from floating them next to me for safekeeping, however. And I also got the crown, since apparently it’s uncouth for something that goes on her head to be in the dirt. And I also held the lamb thing so it wouldn’t get dirty. It’s what comes from being friends with royalty, I suppose.

As she stretched, I couldn’t help but notice how well toned she was, despite being in a place that wasn’t supposed to have gravity for so long. And since she was turning and stretching in a way that disturbed me, I looked to the fellow throwing the caber instead. It seemed that he finally finished preparing and was lifting the log. I saw the muscles on his body strain as the log lifted and finally cleared the ground before flying several meters and landing.

“Not too bad,” the guy controlling the field said, turning back to us. “I suppose I should mention, Princess, that the goal isn’t distance as much as it is technique.”

“What?” she asked, straightening.

“Oh, distance is important,” he continued. “But not as important as making sure the log lies pointing toward you. You could throw the thing clear across town, but if it lands poorly, you’ll still lose.”

“That is not what I was expecting,” she slowly said, looking at the pile of logs again.

“Everypony always says that,” he answered, shaking his head. “But it looks like he’s done and his throw was scored. You’re up, Princess.”

“Hm.” She walked over to the line, pulling one of the large logs to herself. After a few deep breaths, she grabbed it with her two front hooves, leaned back to get some lift, and fucking launched it like a spear. What the absolute fuck.

It easily cleared the other guy’s throw by several meters, thudding into the ground and sliding forward a few feet before collapsing and bouncing, rolling slightly.

“That was the strangest bucking throw I have ever seen,” the guy said, eyebrows raised.

“How was it?” Luna asked, walking back over with a smile.

“Uh… Not that good,” he said. “The way it rolled means your score’s going to be fairly low. But you definitely get the prize for the farthest throw, if not the prize for the actual competition.”

“And that is why I came,” she said, her smile becoming triumphant. “Where may we claim the prize?”

“Let me just jot your score down…” He looked out to the field, where a guy with large cards was showing some message. The dude quickly wrote the numbers down and nodded. “Here you are,” he said, handing her the card. “Take this back to the booth. Marey will set you up.” I could practically hear the pun in her name. It hurt.

“Come, Nav,” she said, turning back to the original chick.

“You forgetting something?” I asked, not moving.

She stopped and looked back, noticing her hat, lamb, and shoes. “Hm. I trust you would not attempt to tickle a poor lady in need, would you?”

“I suppose that’s a risk you’d have to be willing to take,” I said by way of answer.

“Then will you assist me once again?” she asked, lifting one of her front hooves. And sticking out her lower lip in a very practiced pout, her eyes growing slightly watery.

The guy behind me muttered, “I think I just had a heart attack…”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the shoes, walking over. First, I got rid of the crown. Second, the lamb. Then I finally fitted her shoe on. “You’re lucky I’m nice,” I said, fitting the second one on.

“Thank you, Nav,” she happily said, grinning.

I could already feel the smile forming as I moved around to put her back ones on. The first one was no problem. The second one… Horse hooves have something called a frog in the center. It’s for blood circulation and yadda yadda, these ponies can be ticklish there. So when I safely secured her back leg, I gently stroked her frog. She gasped, her wings shooting straight out.

I took that as my sign to keep going, tickling the spot. Soon, she was laughing like mad and trying to jerk her leg away from me. I was just holding on steadily, making sure she couldn’t escape my oppressive grasp easily. Well, until I remembered how strong she was, then I finally stopped.

“Now what have we learned?” I asked as I fitted on her final shoe, covering up her sensitive under-hoof.

“That thou art a menace,” she growled, jerking her head away from me and slapping me with her tail.

“Damn right,” I replied with a nod. “Now, you ready to drop that card off?”

“Hmph!” She turned her head away from me in a little huff.

“Man, you ponies are so adorable sometimes,” I chuckled. “Makes me just want to…” I leaned in and snatched her in a hug before she could get away.

“Unhoof me!” she shouted, making no attempt at all to make me stop.

“I don’t have hooves, sorry,” I answered.

“Then release me at once.”

“Are you going to stop your little tantrum?” I asked.

“Princesses do not have tantrums!” she said.

“Then why are you so mad?” I asked.

She didn’t reply. After a few seconds, I pulled away, smiling. She was just glaring at me. I opened my mouth to say something, but she just turned and started walking to the booth.

“...Are you suicidal?” the caber guy asked as she walked off.

“I’ve been considering it ever since I got here, yes,” I happily answered before following the irate princess. When we got to the booth, Luna handed the card over without a word.

“Wow!” the chick said, her eyebrows lifting. “I think that’s a new record! Shame about the angle, but it’s hard to get right without a lot of practice. I think it’s safe to say that nopony will be beating that distance, though! That definitely deserves a prize.” She reached down under the small booth and pulled out the largest stuffed banana that I have ever fucking seen. There’s absolutely no way that thing could have fit under the damn booth, not unless she had some kind of bag of holding or something. “Here you are!” she happily said, handing the thing over.

Luna smiled darkly, taking it. “Thank you. I believe you should be the one to hold this, Nav,” she said, passing it to me. “How very fitting.”

I was suddenly very tempted to throw that fucking banana in her face, but restrained myself. Instead I narrowed my eyes slightly and said, “Do you want to hear about the time my grandfather and I broke a horse in?”

“Only a horse?” she asked, turning back to town. “I’ve broken more species than you have fingers.”

The chick behind the booth and I both just stared at Luna in some manner of horror as she walked away. What the fuck? After what she said, I didn’t really want to spend the rest of the day with her… But I was already in deep enough. What’s a little more?

It didn’t take long to catch up with her since she didn’t seem to be in any manner of hurry. “So what big events are planned for this day?” she asked as we walked back to town.

I was slow to answer, thinking about what she said. Jesus. Did she really torture people? “Uh. There’s supposed to be some big competition thing going on, but it started at noon. Pretty sure it’s too late for us to enter.”

“Blast! I knew I should have left sooner. No matter. There will be another year. Surely there is more than just that, though.”

“There’s a big hoedown near the end of the day, which is a considerably less formal dance thing. There are also several rides going on, like that giant ferris wheel there, but that’s not really an event. I don’t really know what all’s going on since I didn’t do much to help with or pay attention to the preparations.”

“Hm. And there are, of course, plenty of games for us to play. I suppose we shall manage, even without the large competition.”

We were once again back into the town, at this point, so the crowds were getting larger. Still, they parted before us as though we were pony Moses. Luna’s princessness and my freaky alien form probably did it.

As she was pondering what she wanted to do and as I was not paying attention, a familiar voice called out to us. “Nav, sister!”

We both turned to face the voice, which turned out to be Celestia. She was waving one hoof at us while the other was being held by a stallion, straining as hard as he could to bend it. If I had to guess, I’d say they were hoof wrestling or something stupid like that. With a casual flick of her leg, she slammed the guy’s hoof into the table, then stood and walked over to us.

“How are you enjoying the festival?” she asked, looking over the prizes we had and smiling.

“It is… most entertaining,” Luna said, not sounding overly enthusiastic.

“Not really my thing,” I said with a shrug. “You having fun yourself?” Looks like that stallion sure ain’t.

“Oh, it’s a way to get closer to my subjects,” she said, turning her head slightly toward the guy. “Say, would you happen to be interested in a match?” she asked me.

“Nope.”

“Hm. That’s a shame. Well, I don’t want to keep everypony waiting,” she said with a shrug. “I hope you two enjoy the rest of the festival.”

“You aren’t going to offer me a match?” Luna pointedly asked.

“Oh, Luna,” Celestia laughed. “Of course we may compete, if you want. I don’t think everypony would mind waiting an extra minute or two.”

“Excellent,” Luna practically growled, her horn lighting up. Once again, my hands were stuffed with the lamb and the crown. She only took off one of her shoes, though, and left it on the ground next to me. Together, the two of them walked over to the table and took their seats.

“Why do I have a feeling that table is about to break?” I muttered to myself as they both propped their legs onto the table before them.

“Are you ready, sister?” Celestia asked with a smile, their hooves meeting.

“Indeed.”

“Then let us begin.” Their muscles both instantly began straining, which was actually somewhat freaky to watch. “Honestly, I’m somewhat surprised you would choose to do this,” Celestia said, not sounding like she was even exerting herself.

“And why is that?” Luna asked, sounding slightly more strained.

“Oh, I think you know why,” Celestia said, her eyes flicking to me for a second. What? “After numerous examples over the years, I thought you would have realized that size truly does matter, when it comes to strength.”

“Perhaps…” Celestia suddenly pushed, sending Luna’s hoof a few inches closer to the table. “But there is more than one measure of strength!” With a thunderous crack, the table shattered, sending both of them to the ground. Luna took advantage of the sudden surprise by sending a surge of strength down her hoof, bringing Celestia to the edge of ruin.

But being on the edge is not being over the edge. “I believe some would call that cheating,” Celestia exhaled, her smile slipping.

“It was hardly my fault the table broke,” Luna answered. “Perhaps it was your oversized leg that did it.”

“There are many cultures that find larger women very appealing,” Celestia said, her grin turning sly and her eyes once again flicking to me. Luna’s eyes and ears twitched and her surprise let Celestia recover slightly. This shit’s getting weird. Maybe it’s time to step in…

…

Actually, I’m not going to interrupt two really powerful people when they’re in a pissing match. But… “You can do it, Luna!” I called, figuring I could give her at least some kind of support. Even though, you know, she was fucking retarded for even trying. I mean, Celestia’s huge.

Both of their eyes flicked to me. “It seem some disagree with that,” Luna said, smiling darkly.

“Loyalties die hard,” Celestia replied, pushing Luna’s hoof a few more inches.

Man, she really is gonna lose. Unless… “Use your freaky hair!” I called to them.

Celestia probably had no idea what I meant by that. Luna, however, had a better idea. “For good reason, perhaps,” Luna grunted, her freaky moving hair starting to tilt toward Celestia.

“What are you—pfft!” Celestia got a faceful of hair, distracting her slightly. When she shook her head enough to get it away, her eyes narrowed. “Two can play at that—Oh!” It seems Luna’s starry mane found a more… sensitive spot, under Celestia’s front legs. And it seemed that the sun princess was quite ticklish, given that she began flinching and laughing as Luna’s hair gently teased her. “Ch-ch-cheater!” she managed to say between laughs, giggling like crazy.

With that distraction, Luna was easily able to slam Celestia’s hoof to the ground. “You lose, sister,” she triumphantly said, letting go and standing up.

“You cheated!” Celestia said from the ground, still red-faced from the ticklish menace.

“Your hoof is in the dirt, is it not?” Luna asked. “And I was given no rules. There’s no cheating when the only goal is to win, with no guidelines stated.”

“You’ll never impress anypony like that,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes and standing. Her pristine white coat was now very much more dirty, but what do you really expect when going to a fair?

“Perhaps. Now, what did I win?”

“Nothing,” Celestia answered with a smirk. “There wasn’t a prize for this competition.”

“Tch. Figures. Come, Nav. Perhaps we can find somepony more sporting with which to compete.”

“Have fun, you two,” Celestia said, her normal motherly tone coming back.

Ugh, having fun. “See you later,” I replied with a nod. “Have fun pulling a train.”

“Oh, that game is for another festival,” she said, thankfully not getting what I meant. “I’ll see you back at the palace, sister.”

“Until then,” Luna said, nodding and starting to walk away.

I joined her, hearing Celestia say, “Now who’s next?” as she walked back to the remains of the table.

“Want to have a miserable day just to spite her?” I asked.

“No, no,” Luna said. “And I shouldn’t have antagonized her anyway.”

“Hey, at least you won. Though I’m surprised you did it anyway. I guess sibling rivalry never dies.”

“I likely would not have succeeded if not for your suggestion,” she commented, gently bumping into me as we walked.

“Nothing wrong with cheating,” I said, shrugging. “Anyway, I’m getting tired of holding all this shit. Want to just drop it off at the library and then keep going?”

“That is acceptable, though everypony would no longer be able to see our success.”

“‘Our’? So far, we’ve only gone to games that you can play. All I’ve been doing is moral support. I mean, I’m okay with that, but none of this success has been mine.”

“If you desire to play one of these games, all you need do is say so,” she said, looking down the row of games we were passing.

“I’m okay with not doing that. The ones back home killed my desire to really do much, since a lot of them were plain unfair. And from the looks of things here, it’s the same way. See that ball toss game?” I asked, nodding to one of the booths. Her eyes looked over there. “The ball is really light and the targets are full of weights. It’s possible to knock them over, but it’s much harder than it should be. The game of horseshoes we passed? The shoes are weighted in different areas, meaning each throw is inconsistent. And most of the games of chance, like throwing the ball into one of the right cups, are made specifically to scam people who don’t know how statistics work. Sure, it’s possible to win and I’ve done it a few times, but good fucking luck actually doing it. You can tell how hard one of the games is by looking at the possible prizes. The more expensive or large they are, the more impossible the game is. That’s to entice more people to come and play.”

Luna took some time to consider my words, looking around at the games we passed. “Such… dishonesty!” she said, shaking her head in disappointment. “How can such a place exist?”

“Because it makes people happy to actually play the games, win or lose. If they lose, it gives them solidarity, knowing that just about everyone lost because the game is unfair. But if they win, they beat the odds and got something cool out of it. It’s a money sink, but it’s one that’s fun. And you’d be hard-pressed to find a free hobby, anyway, so what’s the harm here?”

“Hmm…” I don’t know if she really bought it, but at least she wasn’t going to go hammer crazy and start trying to ban fairs or something. “I suppose it is a good thing that there is more to do than just the games,” she finally said, casting her eyes around and letting them stop on a certain booth. “Even if some are… less normal than others.”

I followed her eyes and saw that she was looking at a kissing booth, a very slutty looking mare sitting on the other side. Just the thought of that made me shudder. “Yeah. Plenty of rides, though. And I think the Wonderbolts are supposed to be doing some stunts all day, but I’m not really interested in that. And of course, there’s all kinds of shows going on. Music, talent stuff, weird little magic shows, puppet shows. I’m just not interested in most of it.”

“...What are you interested in, then? Why did you decide to come away from your dwelling?”

“Spending time with a good friend,” I answered with a shrug, earning the smile I knew it would. “And also, Twilight threatened to do something to me if I stayed antisocial today.”

“Good. It would be most shameful to lock yourself away during such an event. Especially since I am here.” Self-flattery, hm?

“If you say so.”

Thankfully, it didn’t take us much longer to get to the library. I dropped all the stuff off in my room, including her tiara and shoes so she wouldn’t have to keep removing them for everything. Of course, that was probably unnecessary, since I don’t think she really wanted to play anymore games after what I said. Still, at least it was easier to look at her as more of a horse without them.

“So what manner of… rides are available?” she asked when we got back outside.

“Log ride, ferris wheel, a few small roller coasters, a drop tower, I think there might be a tunnel of love, a pendulum, a carousel, a teacup ride, bumper cars, and a few slides. Might be a few others.”

“Hm. And what would you suggest?”

“Do you want to get wet?” The way her head shot to face me, I think she might have misunderstood me. “The log ride involves water.”

“...Oh. I do not mind water.”

“Then let’s start there. The other stuff will dry us off."

And so I led her through the list of rides, skipping the obvious ones. So no bumper cars (she was too big to fit in them), no teacup (same reason), no carousel (she took one look and started giggling), and no tunnel of love because ew.

Our last stop was the ferris wheel. By that point, the sun was starting to lower on the last day of summer, casting an interesting shade of colors across the sky. The hoedown had already begun, so there weren’t large lines for some of the rides we hit up. It was feeling like a nice end to an interesting day.

“So what do you think?” I asked as we slowly spun across the sky.

“This was fun,” she said, smiling. “‘Tis a shame we didn’t get to partake in the actual competition, but there is always next year.”

“Yeah. Just make sure not to get here so late.”

“I doubt I shall have that issue.” We lapsed into silence at that point, just watching the fair unfold before us. After some time, I felt her shift on the seat next to me, but I didn’t look over that way. “Do you regret it?” she finally asked.

“Sometimes,” I answered, still not looking at her. It was obvious what she meant. “I don’t belong here. But everyone is doing a good job of making me not think about it. And having some really good friends helps. It’s… not as bad as it used to be.”

“Do you ever… consider actually making a life here? Twilight Sparkle sends in her letters that you seem lost, untethered. Aimless. Do you not desire something to hold you down?”

“...I don’t know.”

She shifted again and I flinched when her wing and front leg wrapped around my shoulder. “Have you considered… finding a mare?” she asked. Oh God…

Unfortunately, I had a feeling that by ‘a mare’, she meant herself. “I—” Her other hoof on my cheek cut me off as she turned my face toward hers. This is bad. Gotta find a way out! Unfortunately, I felt my mind blank and all I could do was lean back as she loomed closer, presumably trying to go for a kiss.

Thank which god was listening, the ride shuddered to a stop at the point, with us at the very bottom. “Ride’s over,” the operator said, releasing our restraint. As soon as Luna realized we were being watched, she stopped her shit and let me go. “You two uh… have fun?” the guy asked, realizing what he might have interrupted.

“Yes,” Luna answered. I didn’t have anything to say, so I just hopped off and started walking. Luna didn’t take much time at all to catch up with me. We walked in silence. Awkward silence, on my part. I was completely horrified at the thought that Luna had any kind of crush on me. Jesus, how would she take it if I told her that I wasn’t even close to interested? “Nav—”

“Yo Nav!” a new voice called. I took that hint of salvation with glee, turning to see Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy walking over our way from one of the roads to the dance thing. “And hey, Princess,” she said with a small bow, not even close to the one she’d give Celestia. “You two heading to the hoedown?” she asked me. “It’s going real good, now!”

“Then why are you leaving?” I asked.

“Just taking a little breather with Fluttershy, here,” she said. Yeah, I know how she is. “We’re gonna be heading back soon, though, if you’re interested.”

To risk going to a large dance thing versus possibly being alone with Luna… “I guess I could,” I said.

“Cool. I can’t wait to see all those cool human moves of yours!” she said with a smile.

Sadly, Luna wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Would you perhaps be interested in walking me back to the library to get my things first?” she asked me. “It would not do for me to be seen in a setting such as that without my tiara and shoes.”

“Uh…” I sent a pleading look Dash’s way, hoping she’d get the message.

“Hey, we’ll walk with you, too,” she said, pulling through for me. “I know Fluttershy here wouldn’t mind being away for a little longer. Right?”

“Well, actually—”

“Let’s get going,” Dash continued over her with a smile.

“Very well,” Luna coldly said, her mouth shutting with an audible click. And so we began walking. I tried to keep some distance between myself and Luna, but she didn’t seem to want to have any of that, making sure to walk right next to me.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy either didn’t notice anything wrong or didn’t dare say anything. Either way, the two of them were talking about what they had done all day, though I wasn’t paying them any attention. Dash was talking about the Wonderbolts or something and how they were doing stunts and looking for some cool fliers to hang out with.

That is, until… “Do you hear that?” Fluttershy asked, stopping in her tracks.

“Hear what?” Dash asked.

“Sounds like… a critter!” Fluttershy answered with a smile, turning to look behind us. Sure enough, I could hear something pounding after us, though it didn’t sound like anything I’d be too happy to see. After hearing Fluttershy’s squeal of horror and turning around to see what manner of creature it was, I understood why.

Holy shit, it’s the dingonek! The monster was running straight towards us… towards me! Fluttershy immediately jumped behind one of the booths next to us, hiding from the beast. Dash up and fucking vanished, flying off to who knows where. Luna jumped forward, a dark smile forming on her face as the beast ignored all of them and seemed to run right at me.

“I shall defend thee!” Luna said, charging toward the monster.

“Wait, we have wings!” I shouted, trying to get her to just fly up with me so it couldn’t reach us instead of trying to fight the thing by hand. She didn’t listen, but that didn’t matter since it wasn’t even looking at her.

So when she got in front of it, she whirled around and bucked it in the face, actually sending it reeling even though it was covered in scales. She turned back and started moving forward, continuing to attack the thing. It still wasn’t paying her much mind, but it didn’t have to…

Right after Luna pushed it back a few feet and jumped forward to press her advantage, Rainbow Dash fucking crashed into her from above, sending both of them into the dirt. Oh shit! Learn to correct your fucking aim, Dash!

Of course, with Luna out of its way, it had a straight line to continue barreling toward me. I lifted my wings in an attempt to take off, but there was no way I had enough time. The last thing I saw before entering a whole new world of pain was its glassy eyes staring at me in some form of confusion.

Chapter Twelve—Aftermath.

Chapter Twelve—Aftermath.

A day later, I woke up to pain, looked around, saw Rainbow Dash’s worried face looking back at me, weakly gave her the finger, and passed out again.

A few hours later, I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better. Apparently my visitor of the hour was Pinkie Pie. The story of what happened was related to me, but since I’m writing this while still in a bit of pain, I’ll skip the added details of Pinkie’s silliness and relate it directly.

The dingonek fucking wrecked my shit for a few seconds before Fluttershy stepped in and used her freaky animal powers to pacify it, apparently staring it down as she stood over my nearly lifeless body until Luna recovered and could murder the shit out of the thing and pump enough magic into me to keep me alive.

Since she wasn’t as good at healing as her sister, Dash immediately started hunting for Celestia while Luna tried to keep me alive. Thankfully, Fluttershy’s courage stepped in fast enough for me to not need the really strong magic, so Celestia just did enough to set me on the track to heal in a few days to avoid possible side-effects.

The first thing I did upon getting out of the hospital was hugging Fluttershy. She was for some reason surprised by that, so her wings flared before she could control them.

Right after I hugged Fluttershy and then left for home, I got ambushed by a speeding Rainbow Dash in a flying glomp attack that almost sent me back to the hospital, and definitely ended in us both in the dirt. Amidst profuse apologies and wailed could-have-beens, she explained what the fuck she was thinking. Apparently, she was just trying to do something really impressive for the Wonderbolts to see.

I should have been angry about that… But I’m a sucker for teary-eyed faces, sadly. “Don’t worry about it, Dash. You crashed into a princess in front of your heroes and almost got me eaten. I don’t think it can get more embarrassing than that.”

And just when I thought I was going to be able to be on my feet for a while, I was thrown off them again by another flying hug tackle. Curse my forgiveness. And curse really bony ponies. At least my earlier prediction about pony-glomps was proven false: No bones were broken.

I was expecting Luna to come by that night to see me, but she never showed up. It was probably for the best, because I had no idea how to handle her apparent feelings for me. And I needed my sleep anyway, since healing apparently takes a lot out of a guy.

However, the next day, an invitation to the royal palace arrived via Spike. I was still asleep at the time and fighting my way through one hell of a strange dream. I wasn’t allowed to suffer its completion, though, since Twilight took it upon herself to wake me when the letter arrived.

“Look,” I yawned, blinking at her from my bed. “I know this is probably important or something, but did it really require waking me up?”

“It’s a letter from the princess to you! Of course it’s important!”

“First off, which princess? Second, couldn’t you have just read it and then responded how you thought I would have? Though, thinking about it, that might well get me put to death.”

“It’s from Princess Celestia. And I did read it, but only because I automatically assumed it would be to me and thus didn’t look at the outside before opening it.”

“Where I come from, that’s a felony. What did it say? Do I get some money for almost dying?”

“This is no time for joking! I have to get you ready for a trip to Canterlot!”

“...What? When?”

“Tomorrow!”

“Oh, cool. I can go back to sleep.” I started to lay back down, but her magic stopped me.

“There’s no time for that! Your transportation arrives tomorrow and I have to teach you how to act around Princess Celestia!”

“I’ve already met her, though. She’s a pretty cool chick. I don’t need to change anything.”

“You are not going to treat the Princess Celestia casually! She’s a princess and my mentor and you should treat her with respect and honor!”

“Eh, whatever. Either way, it means some awesome free food. Who else is going?”

“Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, according to the letter. I think the princess wanted to thank them for helping you. After all, you are an endangered species.”

“Wish that damn monster would have thought about that before attacking me... And I’m pretty sure Fluttershy would be very averse to the attention. Think we could tell the princess to chill on the thanks? I mean, I already talked to them both.”

“I’m afraid not,” she said, shaking her head. “Fluttershy will just have to fight her fear for a day.”

“Whatever. So we’re leaving tomorrow. And are you going?”

“I can’t go. Princess Celestia sent another letter asking me to work on a special project for her.”

“Man, Celestia’s really weird. But again, whatever. Though I don’t really know why she even wants to thank Fluttershy and Dash. They saved me, not her.”

“It’s to show everypony that they care, of course.”

Sounded silly to me, but there’s no real fighting it. And there’s no fighting Twilight when she drags you out of bed with magic, either.

When I showed the letter to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, they both acted about as I expected them to: Fluttershy was flustered and denying the fact that she deserved any honor and Rainbow Dash was pumped up for all of about five seconds before she realized that she almost got me killed and was going to get thanked for it.

So it was a somewhat morose group that greeted the chariot that arrived the next day. Why we really needed a chariot was beyond me, but I suppose it was better than flying in ourselves.

At least Fluttershy perked up slightly when she realized that she would probably have the chance to visit the gardens and some animals. Though whether or not they’d actually be happy to see her, I don’t know.

The fanfare of our entering the city was nonexistent. The only one to even greet us was the servant waiting for us at the chariot pool, who started leading us into the palace proper.

We were quickly ushered into a familiar sitting room. This time, it had an actual chair designed for me in it. Or hell, designed for any biped. There were still a few sofas and a few bookcases lining the walls. The massive window still covered the back wall, looking into some gardens. We were on the first floor.

I was just looking out the window and wondering if it was large enough for me to get out of when Princess Celestia unceremoniously walked in. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy stopped their little conversation about that bitch Philomena and bowed. I didn’t notice her step in, and asked without looking, “Rainbow Dash, you think I could get out this window without anyone noticing?”

Celestia answered for her: “Why, Navarone? Are you so eager to escape from me?”

As soon as I heard her voice, I turned around so quickly that I almost fell down. “Oh, uh, no!” I tried to remember what was outside the window, and recalled it was a garden of some kind. “I just wanted a closer look at some of the plants outside…” It was a feeble excuse, and the weak tone of voice I had when saying it pretty much gave me away, but she didn’t comment on it.

She turned to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. “If you want to see Philomena, I think she’s in the aviary. I could have somepony take you there, if you want to go. I know she still thinks of you, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy looked down and answered, “Oh, um, that would be… nice. If it’s okay with you, I mean.” Hm, I can see where this is going. I started thinking about that window again, wondering if I could maybe get through it before she managed to send Rainbow Dash away.

Thankfully, though, Rainbow Dash seemed to realize what was going on. When Celestia asked if she wanted to go with Fluttershy, she was politely told no. I smiled to myself, before Celestia managed to ruin that. “I think I heard the Wonderbolts were practicing around that area today. You might run into a few of them if you go. But if you’re sure…” Before she could even finish her sentence, Rainbow Dash was gone. Dammit.

“You know,” I said, “that does sound interesting. I think I’ll follow them…”

“Nonsense!” I was told. “Don’t you want to spend some time with your friend?”

Here’s hoping she doesn’t want to crucify me for Luna’s crush. “I suppose I don’t mind. Though you know, those two are also my friends.”

“True. Let’s talk about your hunting trip with my sister, shall we?” Uh oh.

“...What about it?” I warily asked, feeling myself unconsciously backing against the wall.

“Relax, Nav,” she said, walking over to a couch and lying across it. “Relax and sit. We’re friends, aren’t we? There’s no need to be nervous.”

I slowly walked to the chair, fearing what might soon happen. “Not much happened on the trip,” I slowly said, sinking into the chair and wincing as my wings got caught. “Why uh… why do you ask?”

“I’m interested,” she said, smiling in an attempt to put me at ease. “Please, go into some details. What happened? What all did you see in that dark forest?”

“Look, can we drop the pretenses here? If you’re angry or disappointed, go ahead and say it. Because if you’re putting on this act to be condescending, I’m going to be really, really pissed.”

She blinked in surprise a few times. “You… are not a pony,” she finally said.

“Really? And here I was thinking these things at the end of my arms were just multi-hooves.”

“I’m very used to having to… beat around the bush, so to say, with my little ponies. Some of them are so very fragile, after all. And some seem incapable of learning unless I drag them around, so I’ve taken to… Well, that’s not important. Yes, Navarone, I am disappointed. But not in you. I understand that you have needs that must be met, though you could very easily fulfill them in ways other than killing animals. But please, tell me about the hunting trip. It is important.”

What she said didn’t really make me feel any better, but I told her the short story anyway. Since Luna was getting somewhat scarily close, I made sure to tell Celestia about her eating meat, in the hopes that Celestia might put a limit on how much time Luna could spend with me. Yes, Luna was a good and useful friend and I did enjoy spending time with her, but I didn’t want a deeper relationship with her.

“Interesting,” she said when I finished. “Do you think the monster you ran into is the same one that attacked you?”

“No clue. For some reason, it actually looked confused right before it mauled me. Speaking of which, thanks for healing me. I assume you’re the reason I don’t have scars?”

“Yes, that was me,” she absentmindedly said, rubbing a hoof against her chin in thought. “I will have to research some things,” she finally said with a nod. “Anyway, Luna ate meat?”

“Yeah. And she also told me not to tell you, so don’t tell her I did. She said a little wouldn’t kill her and that she liked it, so I figured it wasn’t a problem.”

“It’s certainly not the strangest thing she’s done. Has she done anything else that you would find strange?”

“...What’s going on?” I asked. “Is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s just fine. But do you remember how she acted during the festival towards me? She was somewhat cold and I would like to know if I’ve done something to upset her.”

I shrugged and said, “As far as I know, you haven’t. The only negative comment she made about you is that you aren’t in the habit of explaining things to her. You tell her that things have changed, but not why, and because of that she’s reluctant to accept things.”

“I see. I will have to dedicate a day to explaining things to her, then. Though that doesn’t explain why she was so seemingly hostile during the festival.”

“Can’t help you,” I said. “And I’m not going to spy on her, either.”

“Nor would I ask you to. You’re plenty forthcoming enough as it is. But what of her attitude toward you? Has it changed in any way?”

Oh man. How much should I trust her with?

“By your hesitation, I would guess yes,” she said. “Is she cold towards you as well?”

“...No. Try not to take this the wrong way and please don’t incinerate me, but I think your sister has a crush on me.”

She smiled and chuckled happily before saying, “Why would I ever want to hurt you over that, Nav? That seems wonderful!”

“If you think so, you’re free to seduce her yourself. She’s a good friend, but that’s all she is.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. She started coming onto me at the Gala and I thought nothing of it, since we were just pretending to be on a date. She explained it away as normal behavior. Then she practically admitted it at the festival and was inches away from kissing me when we were thankfully interrupted.”

“Hm. Is there any reason in particular that you aren’t interested?”

“Yeah. She’s a fucking horse. I think we’ve been over this. I can’t spend eighteen years treating and seeing horses like big dumb animals and then just be expected to fall in love with them. Especially since I used to help on a farm and had to take care of them sometimes.”

“Is that truly the only thing holding you back from liking her as well?”

“...I don’t know. I mean, she really scares me in some ways. Like, I know I’m a relatively unpleasant person, especially compared to most ponies. But Luna is straight up morbid, bordering on scary. No respect for the dead, not much for the living, and still occasionally treats even me like a servant. I don’t know, maybe if I could look past the horse thing, it could work. But that, combined with the rest? No.”

“I see… And how were you planning on handling this?”

“Ignoring the issue and hoping it goes away.”

She blinked in surprise. “That… doesn’t seem like the best of ideas.”

“Well, I’m worried about telling her that I’m not interested. I honestly don’t think she has any other friends and I’m probably the first guy she’s had a crush on in over a thousand years. If I shoot her down now, there’s no telling what could happen.”

“...True. It could lead to a resurgence of Nightmare Moon.” My eyes widened slightly. I didn’t even think about that! “I believe I need to have a conversation with her. I won’t break your trust, so hopefully she won’t be angry with you. It will have to wait for some time after she wakes up, though. I fear I have some things to take care of after we speak.”

“All I have to do is evade the issue for a little while if she tries talking to me. Simple enough.”

“She’ll probably be excited enough to see you well again. After what happened, I have to say that you’re lucky to be alive.”

“Less luck and more Fluttershy being awesome. Definitely happy she was nearby, especially after Luna for some reason decided to attack the thing with her hooves instead of her magic.”

“Luck or not, it’s good you’re safe. I know I would certainly miss my good friend.”

Oh, now I’m a good friend? I’m starting to think the royalty here is more lonely than they let on. “Not entirely certain everyone would agree with you, there.” That includes me. “But it’s probably for the best. And at least I didn’t lose everything.”

“Everypony will come around in time,” she said. “I know the ponies in Ponyville are getting more accustomed to you. But they aren’t the only ones that need to grow used to things. How are your wings?”

“Still annoying as all fucking hell. But I’m getting more used to them. I’ve upgraded from bitching about them to whoever will listen to burning resentment.” Though that had more to do with a lot of the ponies getting tired of hearing it than me actually getting used to them.

“That’s good to hear. Do you have any new friends?”

“Nope. Doing my best to avoid people does that.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “You’re hardly going to befriend anypony if you avoid them, Nav.”

“Didn’t you just say a few minutes ago that I wasn’t a pony? I have less need of friends.”

She smiled and said, “You know, I wouldn’t mind getting a few more friendship reports every week. Would you like to start sending me some?”

“You know, I heard the griffin kingdom is really nice. I bet I could make a good living there.”

“Is the idea truly so bad that you would leave the country entirely?”

“Yes. The entire idea of ‘friendship reports’ hurts me a little on the inside. It’s like the ultimate condescension and insult all in one, asking someone to do something like that. To Twilight and her friends, who are occasionally criminally retarded, I can understand. But to someone like me, who actually has common sense? I’d be pissed if I had to do shit like that.”

“And yet, it sounds like you would need them most of all.”

“Oh, I know perfectly well how to make friends. I just don’t want any.”

She smirked and said, “Would you like to make a bet, then?”

“Not interested.”

“Oh, but you didn’t even hear the terms!”

“The terms were going to be something like, make a friend in a week or I have to start sending you reports. Am I close?”

“...Yes. So are you interested?”

“Not even a little. I don’t even get anything out of it.”

“I could make it more interesting!”

“Absolutely nothing you could offer me would be worth the absolute misery I would go through every time I would have to write a letter, on the off chance that I lost.” Unless maybe it was a swift bullet to the back of the head instead of writing a letter. “So not interested.”

“I hardly find how it would be insulting. It’s done nothing but good for Twilight and her friends!”

“Where I’m from, we had a thing called cartoons that taught us absolutely everything I’ve ever seen in one of her reports. I already know all there is to know. I just don’t want to apply it. And hell, I’ve given you one of those shitty reports in person once. Do you really want to start getting sarcastic and dark letters every week that make fun of the entire idea?”

“Yes, actually. That sounds quite enjoyable. It would be an interesting contrast from the letters I usually get from Twilight and her friends.”

“Too bad.”

“Oh, very well…” she sighed, slouching slightly. “It truly is disappointing that you’re so recalcitrant about this…”

“I’m used to being a disappointment. Now can we change the subject?”

“I suppose.” She perked up slightly, her smile returning. “Would you like to do me a favor?”

“Depends on the favor.”

“Well, you keep mentioning that you took care of… horses back on your world. Did that include more personal care of them?”

“You name it, I’ve probably done it at least once. I didn’t deal with them often, thank God, but my grandparents liked making sure I knew how to do everything important.”

“Including… brushing them?”

“Yes?”

“Well… I haven’t had somepony else brush me in ages. It always seemed inappropriate to ask a servant or guard to do it and it’s rare that I actually find a friend that’s done it before…”

“And that doesn’t seem… I don’t know, weird to you or anything? I mean, that’s treating you like an animal. Do you really want that?”

“Nav, I know you pet some of the other ponies without even thinking about it. And you give out belly rubs. You obviously don’t have a problem with it. What’s different with me?”

“Maybe the fact that you actually remind me a lot more of the horses I used to take care of than any of the others? You’re about their size.”

“Well, I don’t have a problem with it. If you don’t want to, I won’t press the issue.”

“It’s not that I mind. It’s just… I don’t know, weird. If you really want to, I guess I can. Just don’t tell anyone else so they don’t think to ask.”

“Wonderful!” she happily said, hopping up, her horn glowing. Seconds later, a large fur brush appeared in the air next to her. It floated over to me and I stood to take it.

“If you start moaning, I’m going to stop,” I said, walking over to her.

“Then be careful around my wings,” she said. “Oh, and try not to tell anypony about this. I fear it might cause quite a stir and some would get the wrong impressions.”

“Fine by me,” I answered, taking the brush and beginning. She sighed in contentment. “So, any new problems you want to discuss?” I asked. Might as well talk, try to get this to go by faster. God, these ponies are fucking weird.

“Oh, a few…” And so we gossiped as I treated a very sapient creature like a common animal.

How is this my life?

About half an hour or so later, she was just vocalizing a familiar song while I ran a longer brush through her freaky moving hair stuff, whatever it was.

So that’s the sight Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash saw when they walked in on us. Celestia immediately moved away, barely giving them a chance to see what was going on. For my part, I surreptitiously slid the brush into a pocket, hoping neither would notice.

Fluttershy was thanking the servant that guided them in when Rainbow Dash said, “There sure weren’t any Wonderbolts out there. I just spent a few hours looking at stupid birds.”

Is she really just going to ignore it? After a second of thought, I blinked. Oh right. They’re ponies. If they didn’t explicitly see something, it didn’t happen. Naive as all hell.

“Oh, I know!” Fluttershy said. “It was wonderful! There were so many different types there, more than I’ve ever seen!”

Fluttershy and a slightly blushed Celestia moved off to one side of the room to discuss birds, leaving me and Rainbow Dash alone. Normally Fluttershy is… well, shy, but when you get her talking about animals it is sometimes hard to shut her up. “You know, Navarone, it’s not too late for us to sneak away. I’m pretty fast, even with you slowing me down. They probably wouldn’t notice us gone until we were already home.”

I grimaced at the thought of flying that far. “Nope. I fear we’re stuck here, at least for the time being. We’re in the palace as royal guests, so if nothing else we’ll be treated very well.”

“You and Fluttershy, maybe. I think some of the servants here might be upset with me for a little stunt I pulled back during the Gala a little while back.”

“Yes, I’ve heard tales of that. Still, the worst you’ll have to deal with is a drafty room and ratty bedsheets. And we’ll probably be berthed near each other, so if all else fails you can just go bunk with Fluttershy.”

“What’s that about being birthed? And what makes you think I wouldn’t rather sleep in your bed?”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “Berthing—that’s with an e, not an i—is a naval term for bunk, or bed. And I figure Fluttershy would probably be a lot warmer than I am; she’s considerably more furry, if nothing else.” Yes, I did learn some interesting things from Big Macintosh, but I didn’t learn any names. She might have a crush on Fluttershy or she might not. Either way, I figured she’d be quicker to share her bed than mine.

“You’re right. You’re too bony to sleep with, anyway.” I decided not to go poking my head in doors late at night while I was here.

The lull in our conversation coincided with a lull in the other conversation in the room, and Celestia quickly took steps to get out of talking about more birds: “Would you all like to see more of Canterlot? I can arrange a tour. Sadly, I can’t spend any more time today with you, as I have pressing matters elsewhere to take care of.”

We decided to go on the tour, lacking much else to do. All three of us are famous for some reason or another, apparently. Rainbow Dash is relatively famous for winning some competition a little while ago in Cloudsdale and being the only person to pull off a Sonic Rainboom—basically, she broke the sound barrier and because of the magic here, that released a massive rainbow or something like that.

Fluttershy was apparently a famous model at some point in her life, if you can imagine that. I’m not going to pretend to be a judge of appearances for ponies, so I couldn’t tell you how she looked, but I know she was graceful enough for it.

And me? Well, I draw glances wherever I go, just by being me. It’s like a white guy walking into a black club: The DJ’s disk scratches, the music cuts off, all the conversations die off, and everyone just looks up at you. Put short, it’s awkward. Ponyville had at least gotten used to me, but this place hadn’t had the dubious honor of my presence for as long.

Thankfully, the ponies in Canterlot have a lot more tact than the down-to-earth ‘country ponies’ of Ponyville. While they did stare, they didn’t rush their children inside at the first sight of me or whisper rude comments that I could half hear. That might have had something to do with the small royal guard squad we had with us, though.

It was a nice city, but I was too busy making faces at some of the little colts that were following us to pay much attention. As soon as one got the courage to get close to us, I’d turn around and make a scary face or something and they’d run away again, only to repeat the process.

Rainbow Dash thought it was funny, while Fluttershy was doing her best to pretend to not be a part of our group. The royal guards were all stony faced. I managed to get one to smirk with a particularly off-color joke that I won’t reprint here, but one of his partners hit him and he went back to stoniness.

During that little episode of making the guard smile, I didn’t notice one of the colts getting closer until he asked me a question. “Mister, what are you?”

I started, surprised. Then I smiled. “I’m a monster.”

“What kind of monster?”

“The kind that eats kids that ask questions.”

“Good thing there aren’t any goats around, then.” What the… oh yeah.

“I don’t stop at lamb chops. Sometimes I like to nibble at ponies that ask too many questions as well.”

That got his attention, but he quickly responded, “I don’t think you’d have a royal escort and two pretty mares with you if that was true.” Rainbow Dash cracked up at being called pretty, while Fluttershy just blushed. Suave. This will be fun.

“Maybe these two are just my tribute, and the royal guards are here to see me out of town so that I don’t nab anyone else on the way.”

“If that’s the case, then why should I fear you? They’ll just protect me if you try to eat me!”

“You’re assuming they’ll care. Who knows? They might think it’s a good idea to set an example of those that ask too many questions.”

“Would you be willing to risk that?”

I put on an evil smile, making sure my canines were visible. “The better question is, would you?”

That shut him up for a minute, but he just started right back at it. “I don’t think you’re going to eat those two.”

“Yeah. They’re too skinny. I mean, look at this one!” I poked Rainbow Dash. “Flesh and bone. No meat on there. The other one, though, she might be tender enough.” I patted Fluttershy on the side. All I got for my efforts were one mean look, one scared look, and another hidden smile from one of the guards.

“No, I mean, they’re not trying to escape! If you were about to eat me, I think I’d be running away.”

“Maybe they don’t want to escape. Have you ever tried being eaten? It might be really fun!”

“It doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“I bet both of these two would disagree if I started eating them out.” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both kicked me and all the guards burst out laughing. The kid looked completely confused.

Rainbow Dash finally decided to step in. “First things first, look at who’s calling who flesh and bone! You barely even have any skin on you! I know, because I was there when that scaley thing thought you were dinner! And second off, he’s a human. They’re a species of mostly jerks that live in another dimension. And third, he doesn’t eat ponies. He only eats colts. So beat it, before he decides he’s hungry and grabs you.”

With that, and an even more confused look on his face, he fled.

Rainbow Dash looked at me, and just said, “Humans are so weird.” I can’t really deny that, but I think the same could be said about ponies.

The rest of the city was nice. There were plenty of monuments detailing events that I had no clue about, so I guess it’s kind of like what visiting DC is like for most Americans.

The three of us ate dinner with the princesses. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy made sure to snag the seats next to Celestia, showing clear favoritism. Thankfully, Luna behaved, meaning I didn’t have any problem sitting next to her.

Not so thankfully, she dragged me off to the palace gardens after we finished. “Scaring foals is not a good way to make friends, you know,” she said.

Keep her occupied. Don’t give her hints. Be ready to run. Let’s do this. “Yeah, but it sure is fun.”

“From what I heard, though, you didn’t so much scare him as confuse the poor colt. I think he’ll be having an awkward conversation with his parents soon.”

“We all gotta learn stuff like that at some time. I don’t know where you heard about that anyway.”

“I have my sources.” Maybe she spoke to the guards? Or worse, maybe she’s watching me. As though reading my thoughts, she said, “It’s amazing what the guards talk about, sometimes. It appears as though you made quite an impression on them.”

“Well, from the looks of them, it takes something special to get them to laugh like that.”

“Not just that, though. Apparently you were closeted away with my sister again for some time. It’s rare that they leave her alone for so long, let alone twice with the same po—person. I’m somewhat curious as to what she had to do to get them to leave her in peace for so long.”

“What can I say? I’m a disarming kinda guy.”

“I’m sure,” she said in a very dry tone. “What did you two talk about?”

Trap question. It could be a simple question, small talk. Or it could be an attempt to see if we’re talking behind her back.

I decided on an easy answer. “This and that. She doesn’t have many people to talk to and have a conversation with, so that’s what we did.” A true answer, and it opens her up. If she pushes for more, I know something is up. And this way, I look innocent in that I didn’t understand the true purpose of her asking.

“You weren’t saying anything bad about me, I hope.”

“Why lie?” She smiled. My answer could mean a lot, but when a woman has the option of taking something in a way that makes them feel better about themselves, I’ve found, they’ll take it that way. Unless the other option is an insult, in which case they’ll always choose the option that makes the guy out to be a villain.

“Ever the charmer, I see,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say?” I answered with just as much sarcasm, not quite liking where this was going.

“One of these days, your tongue is going to get you into trouble.”

“That’s why I’m friends with two princesses. They usually have some good sway in whose tongue gets cut off and when.”

“And what if the ponies you get into trouble with are those two princesses?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I’ll play them off each other and end up scott free while they bicker and fight.”

She snorted and said, “I’ll have to remember that.”

“Besides, surely you wouldn’t want me to lose my tongue. I make much nicer sounds with it than I would without it.”

“I don’t know, all mares like stallions that listen. And without a tongue, you’d be doing a lot less talking and a lot more listening.” Note to self: Talk a lot more often.

“I’ve also heard all girls like a guy that can make them laugh. It would be a lot harder to do without a tongue.”

“We can get you a silly hat,” she answered with a smirk.

“My lady,” I said, feigning shock, “I am no mere jester!”

“We can teach you to play an instrument, so you can serenade us while we talk to the stallions that don’t make us mad enough to cut off their tongues.”

“If I had to listen to a man that boring, I’d rather beat myself to death with the instrument than play it,” I deadpanned.

“We can remove your ears, as well.” This is getting a little morbid.

“Ah, but then I won’t be able to take orders, or tell if I hit a false note. I could play terribly and never hear the order to stop.” She grimaced at that, and I could well agree. If nothing else, it would be a nice revenge.

“Yes, you might drive away the other stallions.”

“I’d be doing you a favor, I believe. Anyone worth listening to will probably manage to infuriate you at least once.”

“That reminds me, you never did thank me.”

“What, for trying to get me killed?” I shot back. After all, you could have killed that thing instantly instead of trying to fight it with hooves.

She looked unduly alarmed at that. “What do you mean? I tried to save you!”

“Yeah, and it was your fault I was in that position at all!”

“How did you… I didn’t know Dash was going to do that! I was supposed to be the pony to save you!”

“…Wait, what?”

“…Um. What did you mean by, it was my fault?” Uh...

I very slowly said, “You could have used magic to kill it instantly… What did you mean?”

She turned bright red, enough so that I was able to tell she was blushing even though it was getting dark out. Instead of answering, though, her horn lit up and she instantly teleported off. Well, at least I’ll have something to talk to Celestia about the next time I see her.

On that note, I decided it would be best if I went to sleep, so I went on to bed. Or I should say, I went to my room, only to find my bed being occupied by a very flustered Fluttershy.

“I thought this was my room,” I said, hastily jumping off of a somewhat lumpy Fluttershy; I didn’t turn any lights on when I entered and just went straight to the bed.

“It is? Rainbow Dash came into my room early in the night, saying her room was cold. She ended up taking over most of the bed and she was really hoovesy, so I came here since I thought it was empty… If… If that’s a problem, I can go find another one…”

“Nah. I’ll just go stay in her room. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much anyway.”

Instead of trying to sleep, I paced back and forth across the floor of Rainbow Dash’s room, trying to figure out what Luna meant. It’s not like she could have instigated an animal attack, right? Although… the thing came charging right at me. It completely skipped the hoedown and ignored Luna even as she attacked it.

Could she have actually been the cause? After thinking for a few seconds, I started putting pieces together. That leaf in her hair, the one from the Everfree. What Celestia said about Luna trying to impress someone. And Luna made it pretty obvious how she felt… Maybe she really was trying to impress me. Why the fuck would she do that? And better yet, why would she try doing it like that, of all ways?

I shuddered as a brisk spring wind blew through the window, shaking me from my deep thoughts. I can tell why Rainbow Dash left the room afte—Wait. The inner FPS gamer in me had noticed all the normal sounds of the palace at night, and something new was added to them. I could hear a slight… flapping, like a bird trying to escape a cage.

I walked over to where I left a lit candle and lifted it up, trying to get a better look but dreading what I would find. In its small, flickering light, I beheld a half-moth half-something all-monster thing that looked a lot more poisonous than I had poison resistance. I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it: I fucking screamed and booked it. Pulling out my knife didn’t even cross my mind. Thankfully, I managed to not drop the candle, so the flame was extinguished in my mad flight.

I managed to rip the door open, almost off its hinges, and I probably slammed it so loudly that I woke half the palace. I was scrabbling on the door for locks when a guard came up behind me, put his hoof on my shoulder, and almost received a bloody nose for the trouble. It was one of Luna’s night guards.

“What’s going on?” he asked me.

“Big... moth… THING!” I yelled, pointing to the door.

He shouldered me aside and slowly pushed the door open. Sure enough, the very big moth thing was definitely still there. The door was quickly slammed shut again, with two of us now scrambling for a lock. Some guard he is.

We were at it until more guards were called and they thought there were enough to take on whatever the hell that thing was. And of course, when they opened the door again, the beast was gone, probably having flown back into the night.

“Shit,” I said, “I thought this place was supposed to be a nexus of happiness and love. What the dick was that?” At least I knew I wasn’t crazy, since there was at least one guard that saw the damn thing.

“Navarone, why are you trying to wake my castle?” a calm voice asked. Celestia had arrived, to her usual fanfare of everyone bowing in her direction. “I hope nothing is terribly amiss.” I quickly noticed something… off about her appearance.

“Nah, nothing too bad. Just some giant moth thing hovering in my room, possibly trying to murder me.”

“Your room is down the hall. I believe that is Rainbow Dash’s room. Why are you outside of it and panicking instead of outside of your room and panicking?”

“Rainbow got cold and went to Fluttershy’s room to sleep. Rainbow isn’t much of a bed fellow and Fluttershy isn’t much for pointing things like that out, so she went to my room to sleep. I wasn’t going to sleep that much anyway, so I went to Rainbow Dash’s room since it was empty and I needed to think. And then some big thing flew in the window with a possibly murderous intent.”

“You said it was a moth. How do you know it wasn’t just drawn to a light?”

“All I had in there was a barely flickering candle. There are tons of brighter things out there. Whatever the beast had in mind, natural moth-like tendencies towards light were not involved.”

“Did anypony else see it?”

“Yeah. A night guard came rushing when I shouted.” I looked around for the fellow, but the excitement, it seemed, had been too much for him for he was nowhere to be seen. “Odd, he was just here. Anyone see one of Luna’s guards walk away?”

One of the day guards spoke up then, refuting my claim: “There were no guards posted in this area, Princess. You told us to give the guests no sign that they were confined, so we didn’t think any guards here would be needed. The disturbance was reported by a servant that was coming to check on the guests to see if they had any needs. The only way a guard would have been here would be on his own volition.”

“I don’t care what he says, there was a guard here that saw what I saw. Not like he did anything with it in terms of protecting me; he was just as eager as I to get that door shut.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just have a bad dream?” Celestia asked. “I know Twilight mentioned that you seem plagued by them at one time.”

“My definition of a ‘bad dream’ is memories of a home that I was rudely ripped from, not monsters. Monsters are easy to escape, and they go away when you wake up. Fond memories haunt you forever. I was awake when it happened anyway, so I know it was not a dream.”

“And you’re sure you weren’t just seeing things? You said it was dark; you could have just been imagining it.”

“Yeah, it could have been possible, but it was rather unlikely. For one, the beast was still there when I opened the door with the guard to check, and for two, I heard the thing when it was inside. I could hear the gentle humming of its wings as it hovered in place.”

“If you are certain of what you saw, then, I’ll have the guards look outside for it and keep a lookout in the other rooms of the palace in case it reappears. I know of a creature that fits its description, but I haven’t heard of one being sighted in many, many years. We shall talk more on it in the morning, as I wouldn’t want to keep all of you awake for any longer than necessary. Go back to your beds, my guests. This matter will be taken care of.” That was when I first saw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were also awake, and looking at me with apparent concern.

“Fine, we can table it until the morning,” I said. “But there’s more to talk of than just that, and I’d rather have you alone to discuss it, Princess, if you don’t mind my temerity in asking.”

She arched an eyebrow, but said, “Of course I don’t mind. Guards, go about your business and look for any signs of this creature. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, feel free to go back to bed. Navarone, we can have another room drawn up for you, if you wish.”

“No, I don’t think I’ll be getting any sleep tonight. Do you have any big rooms with lots of books?”

In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that some servant was really annoyed with those proceedings and would lead me straight to the royal treasury record room instead of the library, but at least there I was able to snatch a few hours of troubled sleep in physical, if not mental, peace. I know I said I didn’t feel tired, but hell, it’s amazing what extreme paranoia added on to the literal fear of getting your face eaten does to you. When I finally got settled on the floor of the musty treasury chamber, I wasn’t sitting for two minutes before I fell out.

And because everything about that trip seemed destined to make me feel bad, I got woken up by getting kicked in the ribs by a very hard hoof. Apparently the servant that thought to play the joke of putting me there didn’t mention my presence to the incoming treasurer, and he was trying to get what he considered an unwelcome intruder out of his hair. Fucking stuck up bureaucrats, man.

Long story short, I extricated myself from the treasury at a dead run, followed by a string of curses that seemed odd to hear coming from a pony.

Apparently that servant pony also forgot to tell anyone else where I was. I wandered upon a search party combing the castle for me a bit later.

“When we couldn’t find you in any of the palace libraries, or any of the other locations with books, or any of the guest rooms, we really started to worry!” one of the servants said.

“Yeah… some jokester took my meaning of asking for a roomful of books as meaning a treasury record room.” A jokester I mean to hurt, if I can find again.

“Princess Celestia is waiting for you. Please, follow us.”

I did.

Princess Celestia was waiting in the same sitting room. “Thank goodness you found him! Go tell the rest of the search parties that they can return to their normal duties.” When they had bowed and exited, she looked at me. “Sit, Nav. We… need to talk.” Oh, shit. I walked over to the chair closest to her couch and sat, not feeling overly comfortable at all.

“Look, if this is about—” I started, before being cut off.

“No, we’re going to talk about my sister, first. What happened last night? What did you say to her and what did she say to you?”

“She accidentally admitted to enchanting the monster to attack me, I think.”

“I already know that much. What else?”

Oh God, this really is bad. “…We were talking about my conversation with you. I didn’t know if she was trying to pry me for details about what I told you or if she was just making conversation.” Something clicked, then. “Wait, what do you mean you knew?”

“In a minute. What else did you talk about?”

“We were just… joking around. What’s this about?” I asked, slowly growing very worried.

She sighed, rubbing gently at her face for a second before saying, “Luna is a little beyond having a crush on you. To that end, she spent the entire festival trying to impress you. Apparently, if she failed to entice you on the ferris wheel, her plan was to summon the beast she had enchanted beforehand to attack you, then save you from it and hope you were grateful enough to give her a chance. She didn’t think you would be in any danger, since she could just remove it whenever she needed to. Then she failed to protect you. Apparently when you were speaking last night, you said something that made her think you knew, which terrified her. And then, in some kind of jealous fit, she tried to assassinate Rainbow Dash. The moonlight butterfly is a kind of night creature that only Luna or the most powerful of magic users can control. I suspect the guard you saw last night was positioned to make sure Rainbow Dash didn’t make it. After he disappeared, he reported to Luna that the attempt had failed, and that instead of targeting Rainbow Dash, it had almost targeted you. She was rather distraught and immediately saw herself to my chambers, where she confessed all of this to me. She’s sitting in my quarters still, crying her eyes out. This puts us all in a very… awkward position.”

She was silent for a few minutes, letting that sink in. It was… a lot to take. And it sounded like a fucking drama flick. Unrequited love, a botched murder attempt that almost took out the love interest, a young, naïve princess falling in love with a common monster… I looked up at Celestia. “What the fuck is wrong with this place?”

“I wish I could tell you. Now, I need to know some things. First, do you know why she might be jealous of Rainbow Dash?”

I nodded slowly, putting some pieces together in my mind. “I have a… suspicion,” I said, leaning back and cursing my fucking wings. “For one, Rainbow Dash is the one that ruined Luna’s attempt to save me. Which means, of course, she was trying to save me as well. To Luna, that might mean competition. And when I first met Luna, I had been doing an experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack. I may have mentioned that I learned a few interesting secrets about Rainbow Dash, but I didn’t expound upon what they were. It’s so long ago that I don’t really remember anymore. Luna may have just been trying to eliminate a rival to what she conceived as her position on my list of people that I ‘love.’” Come to think of it, though, Big Macintosh said she didn’t want a stallion. He didn’t say specifically that she wanted a mare instead… It was possible, but very, very unlikely, that Rainbow Dash also loved me. I don’t believe it, but the way this day is going, who knows?

“That fits with what she told me, sadly. And you said you don’t care for her that way?”

“I do not love her. I saw her as a friend. She’s a horse! What the hell is wrong with this place?”

She smiled at that. “I don’t know if I should feel insulted by that or not. But it still leaves us with a problem.”

“I know… I’m worried, Celestia. If we don’t handle this well, I’m fucked. A princess with unrequited love? That can end in a few ways: the lover gets over it, the lover obsesses in silence until they die, the lover obsesses aloud or in poetry, or the lover kidnaps the love interest and holds them captive until Stockholm syndrome takes over and they’re loved back.” That doesn’t happen often. But then, it isn’t often that a princess with magic falls in love with someone without magic. “If this doesn’t end right, we might all think this is blown over, and then one day I disappear and can never be found again.”

“Relax, Nav. That won’t happen, one way or another. I’ll imprison her until you die of old age before I let her kidnap somepony and force them to love her against their will.” I was somewhat relieved at that, but also saddened at the thought that it might come to that. “Now,” she continued, “I want your opinion. How do you think this should be handled?”

I thought. “Who all knows that Luna tried to murder Rainbow Dash?”

“Me, you, Luna, and the guard.”

“How trustworthy is the guard?”

“Third generation. He’ll do whatever he’s told without question.”

“There are a few problems in saying we just pretend this whole thing never happened. It will give Luna hope that I return her feelings. And if we do pretend it never happened, it’ll make this kind of behavior seem okay. I don’t envy the stallion she’ll eventually properly fall in love with if he doesn’t return her feelings. How can we show her that attempted murder is not okay while at the same time making sure as few people know about this as possible, and make sure she knows that I don’t love her without either pissing her off enough to kidnap me or grieving too terribly?”

“I want to see what you can come up with. I have a solution in mind, but it is you who was targeted, so it’s only fair that you be allowed input. But imprisonment is an option, yes.”

“Not a very good one. The people would never accept her back if they found out why she was being imprisoned and you just know someone would be asking the question. Dodging the question or lying would backfire, as I’m sure there are only so many crimes a royal princess could do that would warrant exile. I would prefer this ending with all parties reasonably pleased with what they get.”

“What if Luna was willing to become a human?” she asked, perhaps spurring me in a certain direction.

A direction that stumped me for a moment. “I have a few problems with that. Wouldn’t that bring a lot of awkwardness on the royal family?”

“Yes. But I’m willing to deal with awkwardness in order to make you both happy.”

Hmm. “Is the transformation permanent?”

“It could be reversed. Apparently she’s tested it a few times. She was going to surprise you with it last night, before she fled.”

That sounded ominous, in a few ways. “I find myself objecting to the idea of love stemming only from appearances. I think that, if I was a person someone deserved in terms of love, I would accept them for who they are, and not have to force them to adapt to my standards. Why is this any different?”

“To be honest, that’s exactly the answer I expected from you, and philosophically I’m pleased to hear it. However, in terms of the situation, this puts us in a bad spot. Do you have any other suggestions?”

This is a bad, bad idea… “You could kill me.”

The pervading silence was very awkward, to say the least. “And what,” she finally asked, “would that solve?”

“You wouldn’t do the killing yourself, mind. The guard that knows Luna ordered the attack would be best, so she would hate him for it instead of you. I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this… Think about it: with me dead, there are now three people that know about this, and none of the three of them will ever make any mention of it. The guard will very likely end up dead soon after, or find himself reassigned. Sucks for him, boohoo, that’s what he gets for not abiding by the Nuremberg Principles. Luna will grieve but she’ll get over it eventually. Her anger at Rainbow Dash will end, since there’s no reason for her to be a threat anymore.”

“That still leaves her going unpunished for the crime of attempted murder and we’ll have a murderous guard on the staff.”

“Have the guard put to death, then. If he follows two orders to murder, he’s not safe to have around. And if you put the guard to death for murder, Luna will never suspect you of having ordered my death. Console her in her grief and tell her that you think she’s been punished enough. She’ll buy it, because you’re a merciful leader and a good sister.”

“That’s a perfect solution, but for one issue: I’m not going to order somepony murdered.”

I’m hardly a pony, but… I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding. “I’m not going to say I’m disappointed.”

“I would be worried if you were,” she said drily. “Now, any other ideas?”

“I can think of one more thing to try, but it’s hardly perfect. How often does Luna leave the castle?”

“Every now and then to see you, but otherwise, she’s usually here.”

“Forbid her from leaving at all, aside from a few state functions that it would be noticed if she wasn’t there. Attempted murder where I come from has a sentence of, like, five years or something. There’s a chance that, at the end of that sentence, she’ll have forgotten her love for me. But there’s also just as much of a possibility that she’ll come out of it with me foremost in her mind. God, there’s just no good way to do this!” We thought for a while until I gave up with a sigh. “Princess, if you honest-to-God truly believe the best solution would be me admitting love to Luna, I can lie. I don’t like the idea of it and you don’t like the idea of it. But… what else can we do?”

“...Hm. Does the number seven have any meaning to you?”

“...What?”

“Any symbolic meaning at all?”

“...Yes? Why?”

“I have an idea, a mix between my original one and yours. Luna is confined to the city of Canterlot for a full seven years, unless there’s an extremely important reason for her to be elsewhere. And in the first year, she is forbidden to see you unless not doing so is impossible. I’ll need a promise from you, however.”

“Name it,” I sighed, dreading what it might be.

“That if you don’t find somepony else and she doesn’t lose interest, you’ll give a relationship with her a chance.”

“That… works well enough for me. I don’t like promising myself away like that, but it’s sadly the best choice. I will miss spending time with her, but I’d prefer not getting attacked by any more freaky monsters. As long as she abides by it, I’m willing to accept that.”

“Excellent. I shall tell her the news immediately, then get her to her room. And I’ll have somepony escort you back to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. I will give the three of you a nice breakfast, then send you back to Ponyville. I’m sure you’re feeling tired, after your night and this news.”

“Yeah…” I wasn’t really feeling hungry, either, but I’d at least try to humor her.

She let out a slow breath before nodding. “I haven’t had to do this much damage control since Luna tried to rebel the last time.”

“This is my first time dealing with something like this. Hopefully it’ll be my last. I hate dealing in politics. It’s usually easy, since people are so stupid, but sometimes shit like this comes up and just blows up in everyone’s face.”

“Hm. Wait here for a moment.” She walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck her head out. I could hear her saying something to someone outside, but I had no idea what was said. Then she came back in and flopped back onto the couch. “Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash will be sent to my private dining room. You’ll join them in a few minutes. But I would like to take a moment to… unwind. So tell me, do you think Rainbow Dash actually has feelings for you?”

Ugh. “While I was surprised to hear that Luna loved me, I would be absolutely and one hundred percent shocked if Rainbow Dash did. I think I know who she’s interested in, and it’s not me.”

“Gossip seems like a good way to unwind. Do tell!” I was committed, now, and revealed what Applejack and I discovered back at the farm. In case Rainbow Dash somehow gets her hooves on this, I’ll leave my suspicions unprinted. She’ll already defame my name enough if she reads what we really did to her at the barn, but I don’t need her digging my body up and abusing it on top of everything else.

“And she doesn’t even suspect?” Celestia asked, smiling. “I never would have guessed… Anything else?”

“Spike likes Rarity. I’m pretty sure she knows and is just using him for free labor. Fluttershy would like to be a tree. Pinkie Pie is probably manic depressive. Nothing really that juicy or interesting. I don’t gossip much with them.”

“Oh, come now. You’ve lived with Twilight for almost a year now. You have nothing to show for that?”

“Alright, but don’t ever tell her I said this…” I’ll also leave this unprinted, because I don’t trust Twilight’s magic to not find a way to revive me and then kill me again, in a more painful manner. And if I’m not dead, well, fuck me. I hope whoever is reading this doesn’t like the idea of blackmail.

When I finished, Celestia was quiet for a minute. I honestly thought I went too far for a second, until she just burst out laughing. “No way! Just no way! Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be without actually asking her, yes. And there is no way in hell I will be doing that. And you won’t, either, because she’ll wonder how you found out. And then when you don’t tell her and she finds out that we were talking alone for several hours, she’ll put two and two together. If she ends up beating me for that, I’ll find a way to get back at you, princess or not.”

“I believe it, and I can understand why! I never thought… Wow! And you never once thought to move?”

“And where else am I going to go? Fluttershy lives in a small cottage full of animals. Rainbow Dash lives in a mansion in the sky. Pinkie Pie and Rarity, hell no. Applejack, maybe, but I always hated working at the farm. And before, when living here with you and Luna might have been an option, it would have separated me from the only other people I ever knew here. That isn’t even an option anymore, though, so yeah.”

“Well, it could be an option. You always have the option of canceling this little deal and giving Luna a chance now.”

“Ugh. It’s a damn shame it even came to this. I honestly didn’t think… I’m still used to human women, you see. My culture… everyone there grows so desensitized to stuff like I was saying to her, the little flirty remarks. I never once imagined it would turn into… this.”

“I understand, Navarone, and I don’t blame you. Really, I should have noticed some of the warning signs. She started acting strange not long after she met you, and left more and more of her royal duties undone in order to visit you.”

“I just… I don’t really even understand why she fell for me. I mean, I’m at least a thousand years younger than she is.”

“The only things near our age are dragons, Nav,” she said. “And the heart is not picky in whom it picks.”

“But I’ll die in about seventy years anyway, if I even last that long! She’ll just keep on trucking, living who knows how much longer.”

“Not necessarily. There are… ways of extending life.” Now that got my attention. “As with anything of its nature, though, it involves a sacrifice. One lifeline for another, basically. It’s old magic, dark and nearly forgotten. There are ways of abusing its stipulations, but there are always costs. I wouldn’t want anypony to lose their lives for it, though.”

Has she really never thought of this? “So we’ll use a fucking tree. Hell, those live forever and are easily replaced.”

“Luna and I have thought about it,” she slowly said, nodding. “But as I said, there are always costs and pitfalls. It is not as easy of a problem to solve as it seems. But in a pinch, such a solution would do.”

“Hell, I can’t imagine I would want to live forever anyway. Sure, you get to live forever. But at what cost? To see the eons pass, to see everyone I know wither and die, to watch civilizations grow and crumble, to watch trends disappear as fast as they appear, to one day lose myself to the passings of millennia and then finally, to have a massive memorial service for one of the deathless giants… To you, who has lived it, is it worth it?”

“For me, who had no choice in the matter, yes. I do watch my friends die, yes, and every time I look upon them it seems like they have changed, while I remain the same. But—and this is a very important but—I have the memories of all the happy times with them. I am old, Nav. Very, very old. I have seen all what you have said. I can’t lie; I miss my lost friends. But I don’t regret their passing and my living. For a long time after my sister betrayed me, I stayed completely aloof from everyone. I ruled in near silence, not trusting anypony around me. For almost a hundred and fifty years, I was like that. I look back, and of all my life, that is one of my biggest regrets. For me, who was forced into this life, it was worth it. For you, who have seen less than twenty summers and are just that mature, it might not be. And when you are spending that life in the company with somepony you don’t love, it would be unbearable.”

“I don’t dislike Luna. I just… don’t love her. I have at least seven years to decide. I will… think on it. And I will mention it to no one.” Of course, anyone reading my journal would find out about it. So it’s a good thing no one is reading this. Right? RIGHT?

…Unless I’m still alive and am just lying about this conversation to find out who’s reading my journals. You assholes.

We shared a small silence for a few seconds before I asked, “What should I tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?”

“This little visit the three of you made wasn’t supposed to take long anyway. I’ll just tell them that Luna felt unwell and was weary this morning, so she couldn’t join us for breakfast. I will be slightly late to arrive at the dining room, so tell them I went to make sure she was feeling better.”

“Easy enough. Should I go ahead and go now?”

“Indeed. Let’s go and I’ll find somepony to escort you.”

I followed her out and then followed the servant she set to guide me, all in silence. My mind was too busy running laps, trying to process all that just happened, all that was just said. God, why me, of all people?

“Why did Princess Celestia want you?” Rainbow Dash asked when I walked into the dining room alone. “You two sure have been talking a lot.”

“She… likes talking about my home,” I said, the lie coming easily enough to my lips. “And to tell me that we’ll be leaving soon. Luna apparently ain’t feeling too hot, so Celestia’s gonna be late to breakfast to make sure she’s feeling alright."

“Oh, I hope she is,” Fluttershy said. “Is there anything we can do for her before we leave?”

“Nope. Celestia’s taking care of it. She should be here soonish and you can ask her about it then.”

Speak of the devil and he shall appear… Celestia walked in moments later, smiling. “My apologies for being a few minutes late,” she said. “I just needed to check up on my sister.”

“Oh, it’s alright,” Fluttershy said with her typical smile. “Is she feeling alright?”

“Much better, yes,” Celestia said. “Sit, all of you, and let’s eat. I wouldn’t want you to return to Ponyville on empty stomachs!”

I could barely pay attention to what was said after that, my mind too consumed by what it had dealt with. The normally pleasant fare provided by the servants tasted little better than typical tasteless Southern food.

Even the chariot trip home, which would normally be cause for concern even with my wings, earned little more than the tightening of my fingers on the rails. I don’t know if Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash noticed, but I was very much out of it.

The first thing I did when I got back was collecting a large amount of dead wood from the forest and starting a bonfire. I don’t know why, I just wanted to burn something.

I found myself humming a song from a game I once played… I don’t want to set the world on fire. Not the most fitting song, for at the moment I wanted to burn everything I could see, but I suppose the romance aspect of it worked well enough.

The wood I found was mostly dry, so it caught easily. I made sure to pack it in well enough that it would burn late into the night.

I won’t lie, I am tempted to leave the rest of that night out. No real reason for it, but it just seems… like something I wouldn’t need to write down to have to remember.

All of Twilight’s cadre, including the mare herself, eventually joined us at the fire. Few of them had seen one so large.

Pinkie Pie was the first, of course. “Hey Navi, what’s the occasion?” Pinkie Pie asked me, her voice cutting through the solemnity of the moment I was feeling.

“Nothing in particular,” I answered. “I just… wanted to see something burn.”

“Are you sure? You didn’t even bring any marshmallows! How can you have a bonfire without marshmallows?” she remonstrated me. “And you didn’t invite anypony, either! What kind of party is this?”

“It isn’t a party. Feel free to invite anyone that wants to join me, though. And feel free to bring marshmallows if you want. I did not wish to spend the night with company, but alas, here you are.”

“I’ll go tell everypony, then!” she shouted with as much joy in her heart as I felt leave mine. Maybe she just devours the joy of those around her, leaving them an empty husk. Before I could ask her about it, though, she zoomed off.

Rarity was, of course, the first to arrive. Just my luck. “So, Navarone, what’s the occasion? Pinkie Pie just told me there was a party happening here. But… you don’t look overly happy, for the host of a party.”

“Pinkie Pie, as ever, has the tendency to exaggerate. What I said is that I was burning for the sake of burning, and that she could invite anyone she wanted to. She’s the party planner. Me? I just wanted to burn something. Feel free to stay; I find it’s very therapeutic to just watch the flames.”

She shrugged and sat across the fire from me, likely assuming that when the rest got there the actual party would start. Soon, she was just as engrossed in the flames as I was.

The next to arrive was Fluttershy. “Oh, hello Navarone! I didn’t know Pinkie Pie got to you already. I was just walking back home when she ran into me and told me to come here.”

“She didn’t have to go far to find me,” I answered. “I set the fire, after all.”

“Oh, I thought this was another of Pinkie Pie’s plans to welcome us back. Still, it’s nice to get together with friends… Oh, hi Rarity! I didn’t see you over there!”

Rarity muttered something, a greeting perhaps, somewhat absorbed by the gentle flickering of the flames.

“Rarity?” I said a bit louder, getting her attention.

“What? Oh, hello Fluttershy! I was just… watching the fire. I have to give it to him, Navarone knows what he’s talking about when it comes to that. It is… enchanting, in a way.”

Fluttershy joined our impromptu circle around the fire.

We were all getting into it again when Applejack arrived in a mad dash. “I got here as soon as I could! What are y’all just sitting around for? We gotta put this thing out!”

“Nope,” I answered, shaking my head. “I made this and I’ll wait for it to die. But we’re not killing it. It’s harmless.”

“Pinkie Pie said there was a fire. I didn’t know it was just a silly bonfire! That girl done scared me for nothing!”

“You know how she is. She didn’t mean any harm by it, I’m sure,” I said. “Feel free to join the circle.” I waved my arm to show I didn’t care where. That’s when she noticed the others.

Applejack shrugged and sat next to Fluttershy, trying to chat with the others. I just went back to watching the fire licking at the wood.

Rainbow Dash was the next to show up. Her arrival was… less than spectacular, crashing in the growing darkness nearby. Applejack went to make sure she was okay, and they both got to our circle laughing about something. Dash serious’d herself up when she saw me. “Navarone, your fire is screwing with the winds up there! I can hardly control myself!”

I answered, “Thermals are a bitch. Welcome to the… party, if you’re listening to Pinkie Pie.”

“And if you’re not listening to Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked, coming out of the darkness with Spike in tow.

“Then it’s just a fire,” I said, noting the marshmallow pack in Spike’s hands. Wonder what he does to those in his spare time, with as close as they are to Rarity. “You know,” I said to him, “this fire might have been easier to set if you had been around.” And it might have ended up with a log atop Celestia’s head, I thought with a smile.

“Then you should have invited me sooner,” he said as he and Twilight joined the circle.

I just shrugged, turning my gaze back into the flames.

Applejack and Rarity were handing out sticks for the marshmallows when Pinkie Pie came skipping back. I found myself softly singing, but forced myself to stop. At least one of the ponies noticed, but didn’t say anything.

Everyone looked to Pinkie Pie to start the… festivities, I guess, but she surprised them all when she turned to me and said, “So, Navarone, what did you have planned?”

“It’s your show now,” I said. “Don’t try to pin this on me. I set the fire. You made a party out of it.”

She gave me an exasperated look that said, You should know better by now. I would have brought up ‘never have I ever,’ but it wouldn’t exactly be fair, as none of them but Spike had any fingers and we didn’t have any alcohol.

Pinkie Pie tried for a little bit longer to get the group into something, but my mood seemed to have spread about. Aside from Pinkie Pie’s indignant mutterings, silence reigned.

I… can’t put into words how it made me feel, seeing them all there. They came because Pinkie Pie invited them but they stayed just for the pleasure of each other’s company. And I was a part of them, now, even if I pretended otherwise. I had been on a roller coaster ride of decisions with life-altering consequences, right after almost dying, but I was finally among true friends.

Silence reigned in our little group, aside from the gentle popping of the fire, and one by one, the ponies fell asleep next to each other. Spike was out first, of course. Pinkie Pie, despite her fervent aspirations to stay up to ‘see what the big deal with the fire was’, was the next out. Fluttershy, still tired from the exhaustions of the trip, soon joined them in sleep. Rainbow Dash and Applejack didn’t last much longer, both nodding off at almost the same time. Rarity, despite trying the hardest to stay awake, was the next to fall; she didn’t want to ‘ruin her hair’ sleeping on the ground, but you can only fight for so long.

Soon enough, it was just me and Twilight left fighting back our demons.

“So, Navarone, what’s the real reason behind this?” she whispered to me.

“It is… a balefire,” I whispered to her.

“Who died?”

“Not who, but what,” I sighed. My loneliness, maybe? My attempts to distance myself from you? Or perhaps my hopes for the future, now that it seems I’m shackled to Luna. “I’m afraid that there are some things I must suffer alone.”

I could tell she formed a thousand suspicions about that, but didn’t voice any of them. “You know we’re always here for you,” is all she said before drifting off to sleep with the rest of them.

I spent the rest of the night in silence, just staring into the fire and thinking.

I was stolen from my half-asleep reverie some time after the sun had risen by a loud shriek, followed by some pitiful mewlings about ruined hair and bugs and dirt and various other inanities. Rarity, it appeared, had awoken, bringing the rest of the ponies with her. The mood I had cultivated in the night was shattered in an instant, the ponies ripped from the world I had created for them and thrown suddenly back into their own.

The poor fire was down to smoldering embers. A small flame gently licked up a few of the longer-lasting logs every now and then, but for the most part, a dull red gleam of coals was all that remained of the tempest of flame that had ruled the night before.

Rarity didn’t take long to calm down. Apparently she was just surprised at her odd sleeping location and woke up not realizing where she was or why she was there.

Pinkie Pie was asking Fluttershy what she missed when she slept, and if any of us ever ended up having fun. Fluttershy, for her part, didn’t know how to answer the fun part of the question. I couldn’t have helped her.

Applejack and Twilight were asking Rainbow Dash more about the trip to Canterlot, trying to figure out just why we even went. Rainbow Dash was exaggerating the story with the moth monster that she didn’t even see, making herself out to be the heroine that was saving me from the jaws—or, I guess, mandibles—of doom. The other two were looking at each other askance and trying not to laugh.

Spike and I just stared into the remnant of the blaze.

“Feel any better?” he asked me. I wonder if he even knows what that means.

“Immeasurably so,” I answered anyway. “This has been… an enlightening few days.”

“Was your talk with Princess Celestia really that bad?”

“Not just that, no. I looked death in the eyes more times in the last few days than I have in any given year of my life. And I have learned some interesting things in that time, about myself and about others. And I finally know, for sure, that I am no longer alone.”

“You never were,” Twilight said, approaching us. Rainbow Dash’s tale was over, and the ponies were breaking up and heading for their respective homes. “Let’s put this fire out and go home.”

It was good to finally be among friends, for better or for worse.

Chapter Thirteen—I didn’t go to school for this

Chapter Thirteen—I didn’t go to school for this

Half a month after that little episode, I woke up on a train. The thing is, I didn’t go to bed on that train. In fact, I had no knowledge of boarding a train. Hell, I didn’t even have any knowledge of being asked if I wanted to go on a train ride. A quick look out the window told me I was most definitely no longer anywhere near Ponyville. I was still a human, at least, which I consider a plus. I also had a splitting headache, which kind of sucked.

I quickly looked around me to see if there was anything of use. The first thing I found was a metal flask, which I quickly took a sip out of, thinking it was water.

It was not. Some manner of alcohol greeted my lips. At least it made my head feel a little better. I pocketed it and tried to remember what had happened the night before.

The last thing I remembered was eating dinner with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, after one of our dancing lesson things which were now more about a few friends getting together than actual dancing. I remembered getting up to head home, and Pinkie Pie trying to convince us to stay a few more minutes for some contrived reason or another… I know I got outside, and after that was nothing.

As my eyes adjusted to the dim light of the cabin, I ascertained another shape in a bed across from mine. I rolled out of the bed and almost fell on my ass, but managed to slip my feet under me at the last moment. Twisted my wings up, though… I still forget about them, some mornings.

After getting my feet and stretching, I checked the shape. Yeah, that’s Fluttershy. I poked her to see if she was anywhere near awake. She groaned and shifted, muttering something that sounded like “Five more minutes.” I poked her a few more times until she sat up, bleary-eyed and confused.

“What the hell happened last night?” I asked.

“I… I don’t know. The last thing I remember was eating with Pinkie Pie!”

“Dammit, I hope I didn’t get kidnapped again… This shit has got to stop happening!”

“I’m sure it’s not as serious as ponynapping! Wait, have you been ponynapped before?”

“Long story. I can tell you after we figure out where we are and where we’re going. You good to walk?” Yeah, Fluttershy is never going to hear that story.

“I think I’m fine. My head hurts, though…” she said as she tenderly got to her feet.

We appeared to be in the middle cabin of a long train. I looked through the windows on both sides and saw more carts on each side. “Should we split up and search, stay together and search, or wait here and hope for the best?” I asked.

“I… I think we should stay together. You know how most ponies are when it comes to you, after all…” More like she didn’t want to be alone, but whatever. I know Fluttershy wasn’t particularly brave, and I didn’t hold that against her. She had a point, if nothing else.

“Fine, we’ll wait here. Wish I had some kind of weapon, though…” I flexed my hands, letting my eyes run over the cabin again. It wasn’t a very ornamented place, with relatively simple paneling and whatnot. I was thinking we were supposed to be sleeping the entire trip, but whatever caused the knockout didn’t work as planned. I found a few interesting items in a box above my bed: My crossbow, a quiver full of bolts, my knife, more alcohol, another long brown cloak full of pockets, and some snacks.

I checked the little inlet cabinet above Fluttershy’s bed and found yet another cloak and some more snacks. I just shrugged to Fluttershy and left the stuff on her bed for her.

As for me, I started suiting up, hiding stuff in the cloak pockets. I checked the crossbow for any damage, finding that the sights were a little bit off. I couldn’t correct them until I was able to shoot it, but it was good that I knew they were off. The bolts were fine, though the quiver I had wasn’t the one I would choose for any real dangerous situation: They were all practice bolts; enough to wound, but not kill unless you got a lucky shot.

Fluttershy was asking what I was doing when the cart door slid open. Before it was even finished opening I was looking for cover to load the crossbow. My search was halted by the train juddering heavily and slowing down, and before I could resume my hunt, it was invalidated: “Oh good, you’re both already awake!” Pinkie Pie said way too loudly and way too happily. Fluttershy and I both flinched at the twinges in our heads.

“I assume there’s a good reason we’re on a train,” I said. She opened her mouth, but I continued, “And before you start yelling at us again, we both have goddamn headaches. Keep your voice down.”

She rolled her eyes and continued, quieter this time, “I needed some help back on the family farm. But I didn’t want to unduly worry anypony, so I didn’t tell anypony. But I couldn’t just let my family suffer, so I had to get some help, but I didn’t know how without saying anything. Then I realized, you’re both my friends, and you wouldn’t mind helping me! But uh, I think this is a problem Navarone is more suited to fixing…”

“So why am I here?” Fluttershy asked.

“I didn’t know how to make a legitimate excuse to the others without including both of you, of course. So we’re officially on a dance trip! Applejack was the only one that didn’t completely buy it, so she made sure you would have something to help you just in case, Navarone.”

“So let me get this straight. You kidnapped us both, even though you knew we would say yes to helping you. You bundled us onto a train somehow. You got all my gear and a few cloaks, as well as some useful stuff from Applejack that I admit to being happy to have. None of our friends thought that was odd, except Applejack. You know we both have wings and can leave if we want, leaving you to deal with whatever it is by yourself. And yet you still expect us to willingly help you.”

“That about sums it up, yeah. You’re really good at recapping, Nav!”

I gently massaged my temples. “Fluttershy, am I the only one seeing anything wrong with this?”

She just shrugged at me and mouthed, “Pinkie Pie.” I rolled my eyes.

“What the fuck ever. Tell us what’s so important that you had to kidnap us for.”

“I think my family was abducted by naga.”

“Oh, fuuuck…” I moaned. “Why did I bother waking up?”

“I don’t understand,” Fluttershy said. “What’s a naga?”

“Of anyone, I expected you to know what a naga is,” I said. “They’re fucking snake/fish people. Intelligent, tool using snake people. Body and lungs of a snake, scales and gills of a fish. And they have human arms, I think. I didn’t know there were any here. And what the hell are they doing near a waterless rock farm?”

“There used to be a massive spring system near my family’s farm. It dried up before I was born, but the naga stayed there for some reason. We never asked why; they left us alone and we left them alone. Sometimes they would come by the farm to talk to my dad, but they never stayed long. But these past few months, I was getting letters from my family talking about them more than usual. Then the letters just stopped. That was a month ago…”

“So, how do you want to do this?” I asked. “Find their nest, fuck shit up, and pull off a full Rambo style rescue op? Or do you want to try to talk to these scalies first, see if they’re up for ransom? Or do you just want me to sneak in and steal them away into the night? Let me tell you, if you want me to kill them, you got me the wrong set of bolts.” As it turned out, the Rambo plan would have been a terrible idea.

“I want to get my family out with as little risk to them as possible. We’ll try asking the naga, first. If that doesn’t work, you can try sneaking them out. Thanks for agreeing to help!”

Oh yeah, it was looking to be a long, long day.

“Why am I the ambassador, again?” Fluttershy asked. “I don’t know anything about the naga!”

“Because you’re the animal expert. I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” I told her. “Besides, it can’t be me because I’m the trump card and it can’t be Pinkie Pie because she has to show me where to go to rescue you if everything goes wrong.” I don’t think that made her feel much better.

We were in the field right outside of Pinkie Pie’s farmhouse. We discovered her family was definitely missing, and had been for a little while. There were no bodies anywhere that I could find, so that wasn’t really an issue. I managed to sight my crossbow in, though I knew if I was going to be looking through caves I wouldn’t be using it. Hell, even the knife was to be relegated to emergency use only. If it came to that, I was going to be using a club.

Looking around the farmhouse, I could easily see why Pinkie Pie left the place. It was absolutely miserable. There was almost no sun, the earth was dry and cracking, there was constantly dust in the air, and it was hot even though we were nearing autumn. It looked like someone had plowed the earth in some places, but without a tractor that would have taken forever, as dry as the place was. Who the hell farms rocks? I mean, who buys them? When I asked, I just got that ‘stop being stupid’ look.

“So, how do we go about summoning these naga for a meeting?” I asked. “Do we just hope they come to us?”

“My dad taught me a trick, back when they were still friendly, in case I was ever far away from the farm and needed help. He said not to use it unless I really needed it, but that they would come if I wanted them. I never tried it, but here goes…” With that, she let out a clear, loud whistle that pierced my ears, and almost made me want to slit my own throat. After delivering it, she rushed me into the farmhouse, where we watched from the windows to see what they would do with a noticeably nervous Fluttershy.

Nothing happened for a good long while, and I started to think nothing would. Then an errant thought came to my mind… They were hiding in a spring system. Those go miles underground, in all directions. Oh, shit… “Pinkie Pie, is there a well anywhere near here?”

“Yeah, there’s one right behind this building. Why… Oh!”

We barely had time to hide before the naga got out of the well and into the building, trying to find what called them. They were oddly dressed in silky clothing, and each was bristling with some manner of weapon. One had two axes strapped to his back, one was holding a massive spear, one had a sword and a shield, one had a huge sword on his back, and one had spiked gloves.

I want to call them the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life, but I’m sure they would think something similar of me if they saw me. They were all rather massive, each taller than I by at least a foot, and all wider in body than I. Trying to fight them would have been a bad, bad idea, at least in a fair fight. They had relatively human-esque faces, with a barely defined snout jutting somewhat out of their faces. Their torso was human in appearance, with human-shaped arms. Where their legs would be, a long tail snaked out behind them. What I could see of them was covered in scales. I was assuming the entire group in front of me was male. One of them was snarling and had some disturbingly sharp teeth sticking out.

It didn’t take them long to look out a window and see Fluttershy. Thankfully, they somehow missed both me and Pinkie Pie. They chatted to themselves in guttural English, muttering at the indignity of being summoned in such a manner by a lone flier. They thought about just leaving her, but decided since they had come all that way to see what she wanted.

When Fluttershy turned around and saw a group of naga coming out of the farmhouse, her eyes got very wide and she almost fainted. Of anything she expected, that was definitely not on the list.

I wasn’t able to hear the conversation that took place, but this was the gist, as reported to us: Where are the farmers? With us, for their safety. Safety from what? We can’t tell you. Can we see them? Who is this… we?

Fluttershy is not a good liar. In fact, I would go so far as to label her perhaps the worst liar I have ever run into in my life. So it was no surprise to find myself and Pinkie Pie rather roughly nagahandled out of the farmhouse.

They didn’t know what to make of me. “What is this?” they asked of Pinkie Pie, who they did recognize.

“Name’s Navarone,” I answered for her. “I’m a mercenary.”

“What pony would hire a mercenary? And… what are you?”

“I’m a human. And a pony that wants to see her family again.”

“You don’t look very dangerous, for a mercenary. I hope she didn’t pay much for you.”

There were five of them and one of me. I didn’t feel like being a hero. So instead of challenging him, I just said, “Looks can be deceiving.”

“Tell me then, mercenary, are your services for hire?”

“I’m in the middle of a job now. It’s bad for business to take on a job before the other is completed.”

“A good code to live by. What if the payment of our job was what you needed to finish the other?”

“You’ll have to ask my employer about that. Depending on the job, I might agree, but it’s up to her whether I have the option.” I looked to Pinkie Pie.

“Uh… Okay?”

“What’s the job?” I asked them.

As it turned out, there were two groups of naga in the area: an older group that had been here for a long time and a new group that was trying to push the old out. The new group was rather violent in their methods, and the older group didn’t want Pinkie Pie’s family hurt. Their differences were vast, yada yada, go with this group of warriors and fuck their shit up.

We were allowed to see Pinkie Pie’s family before the group left, to prove the farmers were still there and being treated well. Personally, I didn’t care, and was busy preparing for the coming battle. So while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were getting accolades from an exuberant farm family, I was getting ready for war. A war, mind, that I had no idea how to fight. Reading a lot of books and watching movies doesn’t really prepare you for seeing someone roll out a tarp of weapons.

I also saw my first naga female. Their tails were a hell of a lot longer and they actually had some manner of breasts, too, which they didn’t bother to cover up. They were mostly smaller than the males, but they were all still taller than I was, though a few of them matched my body size. I can’t be tougher than everything in this world, but it still feels sad that even their women could probably overpower me.

My part in the little plan they had was simple on paper, hard in practice. You see, the naga can’t exactly sneak around or be stealthy. They don’t have feet, so any movement rasped their tails against the ground. And they were pretty shiny anyway; any light hitting off them would reflect from their skin or clothing.

It was quite different for me, however. My predisposition for running the fuck away meant I was pretty good at hiding and sneaking around. So my job was to go in ahead of the main group and do as much damage as fast as I could, as well as deep six any officer I saw.

I was given a short sword and a much better quality knife for the job, something that probably qualified as a dagger. The knife I had from home was made for show, not for real use. Especially not for use against scales. The crossbow, I kept. Since the other group was relatively new to the area, they weren’t in a cave system yet—they were still above ground, so the crossbow might be useful when taking out sentries.

I tied some of my bolts with cloth, to light on fire if I needed to. The naga had plenty of flint to spare, and gave me a striker. I dipped the tips in the alcohol to ensure they’d burn easier and longer.

Now, I was under no illusions that I was or am a real fighter. I am not. I knew that if I went up against a real fighter, I would lose. The short sword was more for show than anything else. I have no practice with a sword, but I do know how to slit throats. I mean, how can you fuck that up? Blade goes across throat, right?

When the real fighting started, I was going to be sneaking around the battlefield and stabbing enemies in the back, then darting away again. And if all else failed, I would drop the cloak and fly away. None of these naga had bows, so I was assuming none of the other side did either. I didn’t want to give that advantage away unless I had a good reason, though; none of the naga on my side realized I had wings. They didn’t know what a human was, and probably just assumed the bulge under my cloak was normal.

When we got to the camp and I saw what it was, though, I smiled. There was a rough palisade around the thing, with only two entrances, and only a few guards posted at each. It was newly night at that point—we had left early so there would be enough heat on the ground to hopefully mask my arrival to the naga’s snake-like infrared vision.

The only guards that seemed to be alert at all were the guards on the entrances; there was no one paying attention in the camp proper. I snapped my fingers, seeing an easy solution. The soldiers looked at me, alarmed. I smiled and whispered, “When you see an easy way in, to not take it would be a sin!”

I dropped my cloak and unfurled my wings. The group behind me muttered to themselves, seeing them. One said a disparaging remark about fliers, but none said anything to my face.

I turned to the leader and said, “If you hear an alarm, come on in. Otherwise, wait for me to come back.”

“I am very interested in what you are capable of, human. Wings or not, this will be interesting. But if you sell us out, the yellow one’s life is forfeit.”

Oh, shit. “Don’t you worry about that,” I said, trying to hide any nervousness. “Betraying a uh… a contract is bad.” He just snorted in reply, so I grabbed a flask from my cloak and took off. My goal was an unsharpened part of the palisade wall, one of the structural posts. If I could get up there, I could snipe fire down on the camp.

When I got above the camp itself, I saw that there were maybe thirty tents and several more naga sleeping outside on the ground. Oh God, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I debated on landing in the sleeping field and slitting throats versus starting the fires. What kind of thoughts are these? Doing one meant I might not get to do the other, and while fire could spread, I could probably take more naga down by quietly cutting throats. Jesus Christ, this can’t be normal!

I decided to slit throats; my naga wanted these naga gone, and killing them off is a better way to go about that than burning stuff. Where did all this come from? Besides, in the chaos of the ensuing fight, fire would be easy enough to spread. Holy shit. And burning the tents would bring alarm up before I was ready for it.

So with those thoughts in mind, I silently unsheathed the knife I got from the naga and landed quietly in the large sleeping field. How did it come to this?

Now, while I have killed in the past, I have never killed a sapient being. Thou shalt not kill. When I landed next to the first naga in the field and looked down at him, I froze. You. Shall. Not. Kill. Such a simple thing, a knife. You. And such a fragile thing, a life. Shall. All it takes is one simple thrust, one jagged tear… Not. And it’s over. Kill.

Part of me died that night, ripped away with the last gasp of that dying soldier. It was a dark night, a new moon, but there was light enough for me to see his expression as I slit his throat, stealing him away.

It was an expression that I knew would haunt me forever.

I can attempt to justify it all I want. Yes, I was helping Pinkie Pie. Yes, the naga I was killing supposedly deserved it. But these were sapient creatures. They could talk. They knew right from wrong. They could think.

They could die.

And die they did. My body went on autopilot while my mind went numb. My hands and legs knew what to do, even if my mind was reeling from the horror of it all.

Thirteen died by my dagger that night. Thirteen blood red marks against my soul. Thirteen that soon found themselves in good company, greeting more and more stains on my soul.

Before I could find number fourteen, I was caught. A bloodthirsty roar from across the camp caught my attention and made sure to wake up the warriors around me.

I immediately leapt into the air, flying as high as I could get as quickly as I could go. In seconds, that place would be a killing ground for anyone that wasn’t on their side. I managed to get to my planned spot on the palisade wall and was able to load my crossbow before the guards from the entrance discovered my grim mess and woke up the entire camp.

Bleary-eyed soldiers weakly gripped heavy weapons as they hunted the camp for any signs of an intruder or a traitor. None thought to look up, as what enemy did they have that could fly? Women and… and children started to come out of the tents, but by the time I saw them, I couldn’t have stopped the first fiery bolt that was loosed into the mass of tents.

I felt tears on my face as I heard the screams. And it was as I predicted: The flames spread far and fast in the confusion. They were already licking the sides of the walls in some areas as my group of naga warriors reached the enclave. The enemies were too busy trying to put out flames, trying to save their families, or trying to find lost friends to try to fight.

I managed to hold onto myself long enough to shoot one of the few warriors putting up a fight, just as he was about to drive a spike into one of our warrior’s brains. I did what I could from my perch, not daring the fiery air currents under my relatively inexperienced wings. My naga didn’t stay long anyway. There was little they needed to do and the fire was making it increasingly dangerous for anyone to stay behind.

They pulled out as suddenly as they had entered, leaving a stunned group of survivors behind with nowhere to go and nothing to do but help pick up the pieces or try to escape. I saw parts of the two gates start to collapse, trapping most of the survivors inside. I dove down to where I had left the group, grabbed my cloak, and waited, cleaning myself up as best as I could. My mind was still numb and reeling, horrified by what my body had done.

It didn’t take long for the boisterous group to return. The naga were ecstatic in their victory, though they had apparently been hoping for the chance to loot. “But,” the leader assured me, “I’d rather return home with all my warriors alive than with half dead and only plunder to show for it.”

I smiled weakly at him, before asked him a favor: “Don’t tell the ponies my part in this. I might need work with them again and they don’t deal with cold murderers.” God, I couldn’t take the judgment or the pity in their eyes if they knew.

He agreed, but said a feast would be held one way or another in honor of the victory. I was really, really looking forward to that, if nothing else. These naga were part snake. Snakes eat meat. A part of me was hoping to see just how they would prepare it.

On the way back, I treated wounds as best I could. Most were minor burns, but there were a few cuts I was able to sterilize with alcohol and bind together. I wasn’t a medic, but I could tie a knot. Of course, I didn’t know how to suture at all and there was no way I could do it on the move, but none of them were that bad off anyway. I offered the worst of the injured a drink for the pain, but after a whiff of the contents they changed their minds.

“What is that stuff?” one of them asked me.

“Poison,” I answered, then took a nice swig of it. They laughed, not sure if they should take me seriously, but suspiciously rubbed at their wounds when they thought I couldn’t see.

I was doing anything to keep my mind off the scenes in the camp. My soul was stained red with blood and black with fire. A few swigs of the alcohol was enough to deaden the pain even further, helping the shock dull the horror.

But the rest of that night was spent in celebration. Their women loved me, when I brought all their men home safe. Their children loved me when they heard of the cutting figure I made to the warriors who had seen me on the palisade, wings outstretched for balance, fire drawing a pulsing orange glow to my features, crossbow to my shoulder, sniping down into the dying camp as I killed indiscriminately—not a description I gave them, of course. Their men were impressed by my solo journey into their camp, and my kill count was exaggerated by every retelling of the tale as it loudly made its way around the caves.

None seemed to see the horror etched onto my face. Maybe it was because of the facial differences. I told myself that was it so I didn’t have to believe they just didn’t care.

The family of the warrior I had personally saved from getting spiked invited me to be their guest after the feast, and after a hesitant look at the innocent warmth of Pinkie Pie’s family, I quietly agreed.

When the ponies asked me what had happened at the camp, I just said, “I did what I was paid to do. You’re free to go home. Just… just don’t visit the camp. Ever.”

One look at my face told them not to question me. When I left for the feast, they stayed behind; they didn’t think the naga would have food that would be fitting to their tastes. I told them where I would be afterwards, if they needed me.

The feast was alright. Knowing the ponies weren’t there, the naga had no compunctions about giving credit where it was due. I was rather highly acclaimed. Personally, I’m not much a fan of all that, but whatever. And—mercy of all mercies—they actually had cooked meat! I don’t know what animal it was from and I didn’t care; it tasted like sex in my mouth. Just… without the disturbing mental image that portrayed.

In an effort to explain my ravenous devouring, I explained, “I’ve been living among the ponies for too long.” Most of them knew plenty about ponies for that to be explanation enough. Sure, I could hunt all I wanted, but I’m no chef. The stuff they had cooked was amazing.

I was asked a load of questions, such as where I came from, what kind of jobs I worked in the past, my future plans, and a few disturbing questions about ponies by some of the creepier males that I don’t feel like repeating. I answered them all mostly truthfully, though: I came from another world and had been summoned to protect a unicorn for a while, and since I was stuck here I was going to return back to pony-held land and try to find more work, and the creepier questions I was able to answer better than I wish I could have. It was mostly truthful.

“You are always welcome here, Navarone, if your plans in Equestria fall through. It has been a long time since we beheld a warrior of your nature!” the leader told me.

“I am not as much of a warrior as I am an assassin,” I replied. “In a straight up fight, I fear I would be of little use. But I have no compunctions about fighting unfairly and using tricks to win.”

“Dirty fighting is an art unto itself,” he agreed. “And even assassins have a home on the battlefield,” said with a nod to the fellow I saved.

The feast ended with requests of tales of warriors from my homeland. I spun a few from books I had read, Arthurian legends and the like; they wouldn’t know about guns and explaining wouldn’t be worth the effort. And hell, it’s not like I had any stories of my own to tell.

So it was with a full belly and a heavy mind that I walked with the fellow I saved to his abode. I was half-heartedly joking with him about something or another, and my forced laughter and his unfeigned laughter rang through the caves. None of these naga seemed to have any names, I had noticed, or if they did, they didn’t tell strangers.

None of us waited long to hit the sack. Thankfully, I still had my cloak, since the naga didn’t seem to believe in silly things such as mattresses or pillows.

I didn’t get to sleep long, though; when I said their women loved me, I didn’t realize at the time how much they did.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip it)

I wasn’t asleep long before I felt a gentle tugging on my legs. I groggily opened my eyes to see if I could tell what was doing it, automatically propping myself up.

What I saw was somewhat disquieting: A naga was trying to pull my pants off. I sat up as fast as I could and tried to push myself away on my hands and legs. “What are you doing?” I demanded, barely able to see her bemused look in the dim cave.

“My apologies for being late, guest. But there was a bit of a… debate… as to who would keep you company this night.” She smiled, showing very many disturbingly sharp teeth, and finished with, “I won.”

Dreading the answer, but knowing it needed to be put out there, I asked, “And what manner of company are you? I’ll admit, it’s a little bit cold in these caves.”

“I’m here to warm you up, of course…” I felt her tail start to wrap itself around my waist. With a bit of a vicious tug, she ripped my pants off, belt and all.

I tried reasoning, “If you’re here to keep me warm, removing clothes is hardly productive.”

She didn’t say anything, and continued wrapping her tail about my body. I didn’t realize how long the damn things were until now: My legs were buried under her tail, and there was still plenty of slack.

She used her hold on me to drag me closer to her, and before I could react, pushed me to the floor. I flinched at the expected crushing weight on my wings, but I discovered she used a bit of her tail slack to create a small buffer between me and the floor, allowing me to actually lie on my back.

“I find it somewhat hard to believe that this is common practice for the naga,” I said. From what I had seen, their males were very dominant.

“You aren’t a naga. And you are rather small, easily toyed with. I figured you wouldn’t mind too much, given that you are so used to taking orders from females anyway.” I assumed she meant my dealings with Pinkie Pie. She continued, “And this is a good chance to display my more… dominant side.”

At this point, I was almost completely immobile. I could twist my head around and barely shift my wings, but my legs and arms were locked. I really, really hate being bound, but I was pretty sure I wasn’t going anywhere until she got what she wanted.

She took my head in her hands and forced my gaze downward. Her tail parted slightly, allowing my shaft to poke through. I wasn’t very hard at all, since this situation was more scary to me at the time than anything else. “Now, now, human. We can’t do anything with you in that shape, can we?” she mocked. The tip of her tail slithered up to my tip and began gently teasing me.

It didn’t take me that long to start getting hard. I’m not exactly sexually active, after all. When I started expanding, she started stroking me gently, before she wrapped her tail around it and guided the head to the lips of her pussy.

I didn’t notice it at the time, since I was a bit more preoccupied by her gentle ministrations of my shaft, but a little slit had opened in her tail, right under her stomach. It was very moist, practically dripping with anticipation.

“You’re really getting off to this,” I idly commented, still in some manner of shock, before she pushed me in and shut me right up. She felt nothing at all like a hand, that’s for damn sure. When she hilted me, I felt a deep chill in her, cold enough to get me to struggle to pull myself out.

She saw that struggle and misinterpreted it. “I don’t think I’m the only one,” she whispered, referring to my comment. “Already trying to buck. But I think you’ll find I am in control here.” With that, she thankfully started moving her… hips? Whatever it is she had, she started moving it, building a nice rhythm against my entire cock. Since she was so wet there wasn’t much friction to build up heat, but the pleasure quickly outweighed the cold. She also noticed the heat difference, and said with a moan, “So warm!”

I never knew scales could be so soft… She pulled my face up and tried to smother me in her chest. I wasn’t going to complain; the large orbs of scaly flesh felt deceptively nice.

Unfortunately, I was getting close and I knew it; as I said, I’m not exactly sexually active. I pried my head away from her chest and said, “I’m pretty close, naga.”

She was not happy to hear that. “Close already?” she hissed, slowing down. “What are you, a virgin?”

“...Yes?” Not counting the rape. “Ponies are hideous. I can’t stand the thought of having sex with one.”

She snorted with derision, but pulled her body off me, freeing my member from her cold insides. “I can think of other ways you can pleasure me, guest.”

I opened my mouth to mention something along the lines of her being sent here to pleasure the guest, not the other way around, but as soon as my mouth opened I found myself mouth-to-slit on her. I knew what she wanted, but I know I didn’t want to give it.

“You have a choice here, human,” she said, noticing my reluctance. “You can either give me what I want, or I leave and you can give the other twenty single females up here what they want.”

Why can’t I just find a normal—relatively normal, given where I live—girl that just wants normal sex? Not rape, not tying me up, not using magic to force me into something, just sex. Perhaps this is my punishment for murdering so many? Turned into a toy to atone...

I gently eased my tongue to her slit and tried to slowly push it inside. As soon as she saw my tongue moving, though, she grabbed my head and pushed me into her. Even though I knew I couldn’t overpower her, I was really wishing I could have my hands back; at least I could have tried to resist, instead of just being forced to take it.

Fuck it, this is going to happen, no matter how much I fight it. I started going at it with a lot more passion at that point—I couldn’t stop it, but maybe I could speed it up. She didn’t seem to have a clit that I could find, so I just worked my way inside of her, through the cold, trying to find any warmth at all. I heard a few moans start escaping her lips, and knew that at least she wouldn’t be too pissed at me.

When she finally let my head go so I could come up for air, I found what I had been looking for: Her pokey little clit. With a vicious smile and the hope that it would soon be over, I tweaked it with my tongue. It was a lot warmer than her insides had been, though that might have something to do with the fact that my head had just been occupying that space.

With my assault on her clit came the true moans of pleasure from her. As my efforts continued, I heard her say, “I was beginning to have my doubts about you, human! Now I know why those little ponies keep you around…” Apparently she doesn’t listen well. Or maybe she just doesn’t pay attention.

Her hands found my head again, just in time for a small rush of liquid shooting out of her pussy. As her tail contracted, squeezing me all over, she forced my face back in to catch the brunt of the liquids that seeped from her. Thankfully, it was relatively sweet, despite her diet. Seeing no other choice, I lapped it in as best as I could.

When she was relatively clean of her fluids, she pulled my face away from her again. I could barely feel my tongue at that point. “Aren’t you glad you decided to cooperate, human?” she asked with what she probably thought was a sweet tone. It sounded about as guttural as anything else these naga said, to my ears.

Still, I knew I had to give some manner of answer, so I gave her a weak smile I was hoping she would be able to see, my face still dripping with naga juices.

“Now, how about we give you some of what you want?” she said with a little smile. What I wanted was to go find the ponies and sleep with them in their warm, safe, non-rapist filled room. Well, mostly non-rapist; Pinkie has gotten better. This naga was not a mind reader.

I saw her tail open a bit more, letting my manhood loose again. She quickly positioned herself back over it and lowered herself back down. My warm shaft was suddenly plagued with the cold again. It was not a pleasant feeling, but it started getting better when she began moving.

It didn’t take me long to reach my peak again, and this time I didn’t give her a warning; I couldn’t have if I had wanted to, the way she was holding me against her chest again. I heard and felt her gasp when I shot my load inside her. “So warm…” she whispered, her voice fluttering slightly. I felt her tail shudder all along my body in tune with the seed spurting from me.

Then she finally pulled my face away from her body. I was barely able to make out a smile on her face. “So, human, how was it?” she asked.

“Cold,” I answered. “Very, very cold. I don’t suppose you can let me go now?”

“That’s all you have to say?” she asked, disappointed. “I thought you were supposed to be a great warrior, hardened to all manner of discomfort!”

What I really wanted to say was I just got raped. Let’s see how you deal with that. What I did say, though, was, “I’ve had a long day.”

She hmphed at that, but started to unwind her tail. “You gave me what I wanted, so I suppose it’s only fair I give you want you want. Though most of the males of this clan would prefer to sleep with a female coiled with them rather than alone.”

I figured that was as good a chance as any to further my image of warrior. “Sleeping alone means you have to worry less about catching a knife in the heart.”

She stopped unwinding and for a second I thought I fucked up. She said, “After what you did to help us, none of us would hurt you. If you are truly afraid of getting hurt by one of us, though, I can think of a great way to hide you…” Her tail started to constrict me again. Thankfully, I had use of my hands at that point and did my best to pull myself out.

“I think I’ll be fine, actually,” I said. She gave off a little sigh and finally let me all the way free.

She turned her head to the door and I thought I was finally free of her, but she suddenly looked back to me. “Human, I know you wish to be alone, but… You see, we rarely get any guests as warm as you are!” She reached a hand out to my face and caressed it lightly. I don’t know how I stopped myself from jerking back. “You don’t seem to like being constricted, but… can I at least sleep next to you? Just holding you with my arms?” The hopeful tone in her voice gave me a pit in my stomach.

What if I wake up and she wants seconds?

What if she decides to constrict me during the night and I don’t wake up?

But… If she leaves, will I actually stay alone all night? Or will another naga come to replace her?

She mistook my silence for a no and turned to go again. “Wait,” I said, knowing I might regret it. She looked back and I knew I would see hope on her face if I could see better in the dark. “If you keep your tail away from me, you can stay. And you won’t get a repeat of this little performance, either,” I said, reaching for my pants. Thankfully, the belt was undamaged. I slid them on as she slithered back over to me.

Although… “I don’t suppose your tail could function as a pillow?” I asked.

She gently lifted me up and I almost freaked out, but she just as gently lowered me back down to my back. She used her tail to give me an entire bed. “This is how we usually sleep, human,” she said, lying down next to me.

I reached over to grab my cloak; I had been using it as a pillow before, but now… I threw it over the both of us. I heard her laugh slightly in surprise. “Why did we never think of this?” she asked, marveling over something as simple as a blanket. Without another word, she threw her arms around me and pulled me closer to her. With my wings, there was very little maneuvering I could do, but I managed to get my arms around her as well.

“Warm?” I asked. She just answered by snuggling even closer against me.

(Sex is over)

So for the second day in a row, I woke up way too early and in an unfamiliar place. The naga, it appeared, were the evil type of people in the world known as early risers. And they were all too chipper about it, the sick bastards.

The kid that came to wake me up stared in wonder as I popped my fingers, back, neck, toes, and legs. I had him lead me to where the ponies were still sleeping and then sent him away. Since there wasn’t much else to do, I settled down to wait for them to wake up and ended up falling asleep myself.

I awoke with a start when I felt the pony I had apparently taken to using as a pillow shift. For the third time in a row I woke up in an unfamiliar place. At least this time I woke up on top of Fluttershy, who was just as soft as I joked a few months ago in Canterlot. She was also pretty warm, compared to the chilly cave. I don’t remember lying against her, but as tired as I was it wouldn’t be surprising.

She was also very awake, and curious as to what was lying on her, as well as why it was doing so. “Oh, hi Navarone. Was your own bed not warm enough?”

Warmer than I’ll admit to. “Nah. I came by some time ago when I got woken up. No one here was awake, and I guess I put my head down for a minute and accidentally fell asleep. Too much time running on too little sleep, you know?”

We were the only two awake at the time, so we were whispering to try not to wake up the others. I sat up off her belly so she could breathe easier.

“So… what did happen last night?” she asked.

“It was… it was bad. Terrible. So many… I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to tell any pony. It is better you don’t know. And don’t tell Pinkie Pie that, either; she would hate to know what I had to do to get her parents free.” She nodded solemnly, leaving it alone.

“How was the feast, at least?”

“Wonderful. You wouldn’t have liked it, but to me it was like entering Valhalla, minus the mead. Great food, wonderful company, exotic womenfolk. And they know how to tell a good story.”

“Are you sure you want to go back to Ponyville with us?”

“Despite all my bluster, I am not a warrior. I feel absolutely terrible about what happened yesterday. I want nothing more to do with battles, unless it is necessary.” Though I admit, the rewards were definitely interesting. But the ponies didn’t need to know about that. Especially not Fluttershy. The rewards besides the sword, knife, and striker they let me keep, I mean.

“It is good to see you finally revoking your more violent side, even if it might not be permanent.”

“Don’t get too used to it. Remember, to the others all we’re doing is dancing out here. If I come back completely changed they might think something is up, and that could raise questions Pinkie Pie wouldn’t want to have to answer. I’m a good liar. You’re not.” Besides, I had no desire to ever stop eating meat.

“I think you sometimes forget you’re not living among humans anymore. Most of our friends would probably be too happy to find you changed to question how it happened. And if you’re as good a liar as you claim, I don’t know why you can’t make up some manner of excuse, or a claim of a sudden realization that I had nothing to do with.”

“Because despite everything, changing is hard. And I don’t know if I want to change in the short term only to end up just as I was, with nothing to show for it but a broken promise.”

“Oh… If you say so."

I just shrugged. My shocking realizations of the night before were fading away, though in the gloom of the cave they still seemed real. I felt changed, but I don’t honestly know if it was a tangible change or not. Days later, as I sit writing this, I still find myself wondering.

We did little more in the way of discussion, and settled in to wait for the others to awaken. It didn’t take overlong, thankfully; Pinkie Pie’s family was used to waking up early, as farmers. Even though, you know, they fucking farmed rocks. Not like they had to wake up early to make sure their crop didn’t get stolen or wander away.

Seriously, how is that even a thing?

They were much more used to waking up in a cave than I was, from their long weeks of confinement. The father woke up first, despite his age, and motioned for me to join him outside their little living area. I got off Fluttershy again—really, she was a much better pillow than my cloak, and she didn’t seem to mind anyway—and joined him.

“You seem awfully close to your charges, for a mercenary,” he said, remarking on my closeness with Fluttershy. I didn’t comment. After a moment, he continued, “Still, you got us freed, even though we’re still here. I don’t talk about it much, but I have a small stash of bits saved up for cases like this. It isn’t much, but…”

“My… payment… has already been arranged. It is unprofessional to accept more than what was agreed upon. Thank you, but no.”

“Surely there must be something we can do for you, some way to show our gratitude!”

“Show it by never allowing your family near the site of the naga camp we raided last night. We left before the fire was put out, so I don’t know how much is left, but it would not be a pleasant sight for ponies. For anyone, really.”

“What… what happened, exactly?”

“Don’t ask. And don’t let the naga tell you. And don’t go looking. Just accept that it’s done. You might want to stay here a few days while the naga on our side round up any survivors, though I don’t imagine there’s much fight left in them. I’ll leave that up to you. I want nothing more to do with this war. Personally, given the choice, I would have left last night. But I am bound by contract to your daughter until she arranges transportation home.”

“You’re not really a mercenary, are you?”

I looked at him, trying to decide how to answer. I suppose I could technically call myself a merc, but in truth that title didn’t fit me. I decided to do what I rarely do: Tell the truth. “I’m a friend of theirs—Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I mean. I was… Fuck it, I’m not going to lie: Pinkie Pie kidnapped both of us to help her. We would have agreed to help her if she had asked, but whatever, here we are. Shit, Fluttershy was brought along more as an excuse for getting me here. My job was supposed to be to sneak in the caves, rescue you, and bring you back out with the naga none-the-wiser. But Fluttershy is a crappy liar, so I ended up working with them instead. The merc title is just what I chose to make it easier to explain to the naga, and they took that as meaning I was a warrior for hire.”

“That does sound like Pinkamena…” he muttered. “We’ll have to talk about that before she leaves again. You know, if you are for hire, I could use some help around the farm. My back isn’t what it used to be, and rocks never were light.”

“Ah, no!” I said, a tad too quickly. I continued, slower, “You know how women are; they always manage to get into messes. So very often it seems I’m the one that ends up pulling them through. Your daughter and her friends are no different.” Not entirely true. In fact, it was pretty close to patently false. But whatever, it got the desired reaction. He smiled and nodded, dropping the point. I have done some odd things in my short nineteen years of life, and I had no desire to add rock farming to the list.

“But if you aren’t a mercenary, that means you aren’t getting paid by my daughter. So why can’t you accept a token of gratitude?”

Mo money mo problems is what I wanted to say, but he wouldn’t have gotten that. So instead I settled with, “You need it more than I do; my meals and board are provided for by the crown.” Let him make of that what he would. It was technically true; Twilight lived in the library through the grace of Celestia, and I lived with Twilight. And since Twilight was technically an agent of the crown, and it was usually her feeding me, the crown was providing for that as well. Not to say I was a complete freeloader, mind; I did the occasional odd job and whatnot. I also helped with some research.

And then there were events like this, where I solved a possible regional inter-warfare crisis between two rival extra-pony groups. Though my methods were not at all the preferred methods for something like this; if Twilight had been here, the two groups would have ended up laying down their arms and cooperating peacefully, in brotherhood and harmony. Until they remembered what and who they were and one side or the other conducted their own version of the Kristallnacht upon the other. My method wasn’t pretty, but it was permanent.

“You know,” I told him, “you could move and farm something else. Like, where there aren’t a bunch of carnivorous snake people. And farm something that actually grows.” Or makes sense.

“No, no. I’ve been here so long now I wouldn’t know what else to do. This farm has been in our family for generations. I couldn’t just up and leave…” Even though your land is terribly depressing, you risk possible death by naga, and one of your daughters is hundreds of miles away. Right.

I just shrugged and said, “Your life.”

I was saved from further conversation by more stirring from within. The rest of the party was waking up. We returned before our absence was noted.

Pinkie Pie was rather happy to see us all in one place, and primed to stay that way for a while. I’m sure that if she had the supplies, she would have thrown a party right then and there.

The rest of the family was pleased they would get to go home soon, blissfully unaware of the cost. Fluttershy, who never much cares to leave her animals in the first place, was looking forward to getting home soon. I found myself agreeing; this place was not good for my mind.

All was in order for our departure, so we started to make our way out. We were passing a large chamber just before the entrance to the tunnel that would take us out when I was called aside by the clan leader. He waved the rest of the group forwards, and I nodded at Pinkie Pie to show I’d catch up.

“There is something I’d like to show you, human Navarone,” the leader told me. If I knew them better, I’d made a joke about trouser snakes, but as it was, I abstained. They didn’t wear pants anyway.

“I hope you don’t plan to keep me overly long from my employer. She may still need protecting, unless you sent warriors to finish mopping up the remnants of the enemy.”

“My naga will watch her family for some time. You need not worry about them.”

“Then I will see what you have to show me.”

We went through a side passage that I had barely noticed until then, my quiet cloth-shoed footfalls loudly overrun by his raspy slithering. If they want to kill me, my body would never be found. It was not a comforting realization, especially given the caveat I gave them the night before, about my status as an assassin and not a warrior.

I decided to pull out my crossbow and check it over for damage as we went, as a hint of sorts. We talked of strategy and combat on the way through the caverns. There was little lighting, for most of the naga knew their way through the caves. But what little I could see took my breath away. There were a few massive cavities, extending so high up I couldn’t see the top. There were a few pitfalls so deep that I couldn’t see the bottom, bridged only by narrow constructions of rope and wood, and it took echoes from the bottom minutes to reach us.

There was one point when we entered one of those massive cavities where we paused. I looked, and lining the wall were tombs, in which I assumed great warriors were laid. We spent a few moments of respect, with him telling me the history of a few notable naga from his clan. I didn’t much care, personally, but I was able to respect their history. At that point, I was thinking that was what he had wanted to show me, but when he started moving forward again I unhesitatingly followed.

We went through one room completely lined by massive sapphires, all grown into the wall and engraved with historical scenes. There was a single torch in the room, and that was all it needed: The walls glittered and shone dazzlingly, bathing the entire room in a brilliant blue shade. I could barely see any of the scenes on the wall, but I didn’t need to see them to understand their significance. Rarity would have killed to have been able to mine that room. She would have been killed had she tried it, too.

We finally stopped again at a massive—supermassive; this place was bigger than any of the rooms we went through, possibly combined—pool of water. Inside it were schools of bioluminescent fish dancing merrily through the waves, chasing blind fish that evolved for the perfect darkness of the area. Their lights, mixed with the torches lining some parts of the walls, gave the room a warm, faint glow. From what I could see of the water, it was perfectly clear and completely unsilted. But even with the fish and the torches, I couldn’t see the bottom of it. I could see a single slant of light illuminating a perfect circle near the middle of the lake, and descending from that was a long rope leading all the way from the ceiling to the water.

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had lost my eyes afterwards, I don’t know if I would have been sad; I had seen the most beautiful thing the world had to offer. What more was there?

I saw more naga around and in the water, easily surviving above the water and below it. A few of them were surprised to see me there, but upon seeing their war leader they didn’t comment. Some even called greetings. We each raised a hand in response.

“Why… did you bring me here?” I weakly asked.

“A few reasons. One, to show you for what you fought yesterday. What you saw out in front caverns is where we live when we might need to access the surface easily. Most of our warriors live there full time, and take occasional breaks here to get their scales and gills wet. Their families live there with them. Almost no outsider ever sees this area, as it houses our people. Our innocent people, mind.”

“I am glad to know I didn’t kill a large group of naga for just the few souls I saw in the front caverns, that is for sure. I have not been a part of a slaughter like that in a long time…”

“Another reason is that I would like you to reconsider returning to the ponies. You said yourself they don’t use you to your full potential. You don’t even know how to properly fight! That little toy at your side is good for shooting animals, but there is no glory in fighting with it! Stay with us, and learn to fight like a naga.”

It was a somewhat tempting offer, honestly. It would give me a chance to escape from Luna, as she would never be able to find me down here. Meat and fish would be easier to find. Their women were… inviting. And I was growing a bit weary living among the ponies; they were all nice, but most still found it hard to deal with me.

But there were downsides as well. One, I’m not aquatic. Two, I don’t want to live in mostly darkness forever. Three, I have fucking wings, and this is a cave. There are a few places I could fly, but not many. Four, fighting for glory and honor is stupid and a good way to get you killed early. Five, none of these naga really seemed that scholarly. Discussions with them would most likely devolve into boasts, stories, and war, not logic and debate like I was getting used to.

After a long enough wait, I answered, “I am sorry, but my place is with the ponies, at least for now. They have few ways to solve their problems that involve violence but with creatures like me. They rarely need violence, but when they do, someone has to be able to do it. Few enough mercs walk their lands, which is probably a good thing.” All technically true.

“That is the answer I was expecting, but not an answer I am pleased to hear. There is one more thing you could do for my people, if you would be so kind. It isn’t something that is hard, but something we cannot do.”

“Name it, and I will see what I can do.”

“We need your wings. Naga… do not like fliers. Of any kind. Both fish and snakes do not have many defenses when it comes to birds, and that translated through to us. But sometimes we need them, and ponies rarely show themselves worthy of working with us.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Take several torches and light up our sky.” He waved his arm upwards, showing the empty darkness that ruled above us. There were a few weakly flickering lights above us, what I at first thought were more gemstones, but now realized were actually almost dead torches. I wondered what they were hiding up there, then.

“Bring me torches,” I said as I started unclasping my cloak. I removed the crossbow and the bolts from my back and unclipped the sword belt from my waist. I shook out and stretched my wings as I waited for the torches. I thought of the rope, and asked, “Where does that rope lead, and why can’t you use it for the torches?”

“The smoke from the torches has to go somewhere. You remember the well behind the farmer’s house? That rope is the bucket rope for it. Our warriors can climb up it, but once they get to the ceiling, they can’t hold on as well.”

“And… the ponies know about this?”

“They know that we use the well sometimes. They don’t know its significance, though.”

Good to know. Then someone finally brought me some torches.

“Along the wall and ceiling are a few sconces. Some are inlaid into the wall, some are jutting out. Just slide a torch in everywhere you can fit one,” their engineer told me. I was given a pack of empty torches that I clipped around my waist, and a lit one to guide me on my way and to light the further ones.

It was a long, painful job. As I said before, the chamber was just absolutely massive. I had to take several trips to get more torches. I could tell they had been stockpiling them for a while. It involved more climbing and hanging than actual flying, and both my wings and arms were wooden and stiff by the time I was getting done.

When I landed for the last time, I barely had enough energy to get me into the air one more time. But this trip was special to me. I took off everything but my pants and leapt into the air. Then I flew several hundred feet into the center of the room and just dove into the pool.

I had to have spent at least half an hour in the cool water, letting my wings soak and recover. The glow from the roof was brilliant, and I could see patterns in the torches and some bits of artwork on the ceiling. Right before I dove into the water, I noticed that I could see all the way to the bottom of the pool; there were a few hundred naga on the bottom, finally lit up and able to see well.

It was incredibly peaceful, with the gentle lapping of water at the shore barely at the edge of perceptibility and the unheard sounds of the bustling community below me. I hardly wanted to drag myself out of the pool, but I knew Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy would be worried until I came back. I slowly started paddling toward the shore with my arms. My wings trailed gently behind me.

When I finally reached the edge, their clan leader smiled down at me. “As far as I’m concerned, you are always welcome here, human, wings and pony-lover be damned. You helped save us from our enemies and you lit up the world for us. I know you feel the need to return to the ponies, but feel free to come back here whenever you want.” I nodded at his remarks, happy to hear them. “I would lead you back to the surface myself, but I am needed at a council meeting. We military naga know the threat is extinguished, but politicians always like to blather on.”

We clasped hands, and he slid beneath the waves, leaving me with a small group of warriors that weren’t with the raiders last night. I would have climbed up the rope, but there was no way in hell I was strong enough to climb that high. I could fly half the distance, but even then I couldn’t climb the rest of the way.

As they led me to the surface, they asked for stories of the night before. I told a few, exaggerating the effect their own warriors had. They then started asking for stories of my homeland, and I told a few of those. Before I knew it, I was dry and on the surface, cloak wrapped again about me.

Most of the warriors in the group split off on the way to the surface, and all but one guide left us when we got outside. The last guide and I slowly made our way to Pinkie Pie’s farm, where I found a large surprise party waiting for me. Not so much a surprise when you know Pinkie Pie, but whatever.

We invited the guide to stay, but he took one look at the decorations and politely declined. I wish I could have declined as well, but you know Pinkie Pie. I generally pretend to enjoy them for her benefit; there are times I think she’s codependent, and would go on a self-destructive spiral if she couldn’t keep others entertained.

It was definitely an interesting contrast to the feast I had with the naga. I mean, it’s like going from an ancient Scandinavian/Viking feast, missing only mead, to a five year old’s birthday party. It was a bit of a disappointing swap, and I was really tempted to bring out the alcohol and let everyone take a nice shot, but I managed to restrain myself. After the wounds I dealt with the night before, I only had one flask left, and that wouldn’t be enough to get a pony buzzed.

And while I’m not going to say I didn’t take a shot or two, fuck you.

The next morning, I woke up to a banging at the front door. In an unfamiliar place, yet again. Since it wasn’t my house, I didn’t even care about the knocking, until I heard a scream.

Before I even registered what I was hearing, I was already up and out the window with the sword belt in my hand. Since it was so hot, I had left the window open, dust be damned. I should mention again, in case I haven’t before: I don’t know how to use a sword, other than that the pointy end goes into the other person.

I glided to the ground and had the sword unsheathed and pointed rather harshly into the back of the naga that was intruding. “Friend or foe, I don’t care. Drop your sword belt and don’t even think about drawing steel.”

It very, very slowly did as I asked. Pinkie Pie’s mother at the front door looked horrified, and the rest of the group were gathering behind her in various states of shock.

But the look of horror on the mother’s face changed to one of slight compassion, as she beheld the look on the naga’s face. I couldn’t see it myself, but apparently it was a pitiful mix of fear, sorrow, and resignation. Before I was fully aware of what was happening, she was ushering him inside, through expressions of doubt voiced by the husband.

I checked the naga’s sword belt where he dropped it and found the damn thing was actually empty; the sheath was there, but the sword was gone. That didn’t cause me to put my blade away, but rather caused me more concern. This was almost definitely a refugee from the camp; what was he doing here? And how did he get through the sentries I was promised?

As I followed the naga and the mother in, I whispered to Fluttershy, “Go get my crossbow and the bolts. I have a bad feeling.” She took a look at my face, audibly gulped, and rushed off to get them.

As we marched the prisoner into the kitchen, I took a second to study him. He was smaller than most naga I had seen and looked a lot younger. Most of the others had some tattoos or markings to identify them as warriors, but this one had nothing.

When we got to the kitchen, I kicked everyone out but the father and the mother. Pinkie Pie didn’t want to leave, but an executive override from the father was something even her usual insanity couldn’t pierce.

When the naga finally saw me, he turned about as white as possible for a snake fish thing and spluttered out an aggrieved “Monster!” If I didn’t have the sword on him, he would have attacked me. As it was, I know he considered impaling himself if it would have meant getting his hands on me for even a second.

I turned to the mother. “Leave.” She did so, after a lingering look at her husband.

When she had left and we locked the door behind her, I asked it, “Why did you come here?”

He hissed at me, and answered toward the farmer instead. “Asylum. There is nowhere left for me. I was the only survivor, after this thing destroyed our camp. Ponies are known for their tolerance. I see now they even tolerate monsters.”

“Strong words, coming from a snake-fish beast,” I answered.

“Enough,” the father pronounced. “So you want asylum. Why should I give it to you?”

“My family is dead. My friends are dead. My clan is dead,” the naga wailed. “There is nothing left for me. I can work here or I can leave and die. The native naga here will kill me if I leave this building without you by my side. They laughingly sent me here without a weapon. They didn’t tell me… this was here,” he hissed, with an angry motion in my direction. Probably figured I would kill him and save them the trouble. One last trick to a grieving enemy.

After a look from the father, I held my tongue. After that look, though, he got thoughtful. “You can work, you said. Do you know any farming work?” Ultimate punishment, right there. Have your family killed and then get pressed into a rock farm.

“I was a scout. That is why I was away from the camp when… it was destroyed. I saw it, though. I saw this monster pouring fire from the heavens on it!”

Very calmly, the father said, “If you keep talking badly about my guests, I will throw you out of this house myself. If you want any manner of asylum here, you will have to work for it. That includes respect my word.”

I walked over to the farmer and whispered, “You sure this is wise?”

“He’s young, Navarone. Have some compassion. Did you learn nothing from this?”

“I learned that naga are fucking dangerous.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond, walking away.

After an intense internal debate, the farmer decided. “You can stay. If you don’t like the work, I’ll pay a train ticket for you to go anywhere reasonable.” Not the choice I would have made. I couldn’t have trusted my family to something carnivorous, if I was an herbivore. But it wasn’t my call.

After a look at my face, the farmer said, “Anypony can change.”

“Yes, but so few rarely bother to.” He couldn’t answer that, aside from a vague call to ‘have some faith.’

When we told the rest, I got responses I expected. Incredulity mixed with acceptance, with a tinge of fear from Fluttershy. The only request the naga made was that I leave as soon as possible, which I was planning on doing anyway. That farm was depressing as all hell. I don’t know how anyone could keep a will to live there.

So it was that we found ourselves on a train home before the day was out.

“If anyone asks,” I said, “these are props.” That was in reference to the sword, knife and two fire starters I had from the naga.

“Of course. And we were dancing all the time,” Pinkie Pie said.

“This doesn’t feel right, lying to everypony. They would understand,” Fluttershy said.

“It would raise questions I don’t want to answer,” I told her. She knew a bit of what I meant, from the conversation in the cave, but Pinkie Pie didn’t.

“What do you mean, Nav? You’re a hero!”

“The path of a hero is strewn with bodies of those slain to prove his mettle.”

“But heroes always save the ponies in the stories.”

“Maybe in your stories. In mine, most of the heroes are made from killing more of the enemy than anyone else.” She was having none of it, though. Thankfully, her warnings to us to keep silent about the affairs held to herself, and she stopped her thanksgivings to me when we arrived back home.

When asked how the trip was, we replied with, “It was interesting.” I kept the other bottle of alcohol, just in case. Seriously, how much of that shit was Applejack making?

Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

About half a month after the little naga trip, I noticed an aquamarine unicorn following me. Now, I had seen this chick watching me several times, but she usually left it at watching. Of course, I was watched by just about all the ponies in town anyway, so that was hardly surprising. Her eyes seemed a bit too intent for my liking, is all.

But that day, it seemed, she decided to follow me. This went on for about three blocks before I decided to turn down a short alley. I kept walking, looking back occasionally. She stopped at the alley entrance for a bit and watched me a while before continuing on. Maybe it was just me.

It wasn’t. The same thing happened the next day in a different part of town. When I noticed, I started walking out of town. Just a few gradual changes in my path, nothing much, but I made sure I was outside of town. She stopped at the town limits and watched me for a while before turning back.

The same thing happened the next day. And the next. By the fifth day, she was bolder, and followed me wherever I went, until I went into a building.

The sixth day I noticed her following me, I went to town hall. The town hall building itself is round, and there’s a pretty big area around it that is empty of everything, leaving a wheel around it.

I walked around it a few times, slowly speeding up my pace. She wasn’t paying too much attention to my speed. Before long I was right alongside her. “Hello, ma’am,” I said.

She jumped.

“What’s your name?” I asked in a conversational tone.

“L-l-lyra,” she squeaked.

“Lyra… That’s a nice name,” I said. “Your cutie mark is a harp. Do you play?”

She nodded, more comfortable talking about something she was familiar with. “I’m not famous or anything, but I do play. It’s actually a lyre, but that’s pretty close to a harp!”

I smiled. “I’ve always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but I was always more of a piano kinda guy. Shame I never had the coordination for it.” I sighed. “I miss some things from my world. Some of the music is one of them.”

She was silent for a moment. She finally squeaked something again that sounded like she said, “And hands?”

I nodded. “Yeah, not very many of the people here having hands is kind of odd, I admit. Hooves are interesting, of course, but there’s nothing like being able to just reach out and stroke something…” I gently poked her.

She shivered. “May I… Your hands…” She was kind of flustered. I stopped. “Oh, please don’t be offended…” Then she saw my little smile. I held my hands up for her.

I felt her magic take them and pull them around a bit. She tweaked them a few times, flexed them in and out. She was staring with awe. She slowly pulled me closer by my hands, until I was gently rubbing her nose.

She released me with a wide smile and I slowly pulled my hand back. She said, “I don’t suppose you would…” She blushed a little. “Would you like to hear me play?”

Not sure I like where this is going. “In a public setting, certainly. However, the princess has forbidden me from entering any private residence until more ponies accept me. She doesn’t want anyone to think I might be harming someone.” That was a lie, but eh.

She nodded. “I understand. I don’t think Bon-Bon would like an unexpected visitor anyway! If you could just follow me and wait outside for a few minutes, I could grab my lyre and we could go to the park.”

I thought for a moment. Bon-Bon… That would work. “Okay. Just make sure to invite your friend; music should be shared with as many people as possible, in my opinion.”

Her smile grew even wider. “She always tells me the same thing! You’ll have to keep a lookout for any possible gigs for me, friend!” She ran off and I followed, slower. She looked back when she was about fifty feet from me and gasped. She galloped back. “I forgot you were so slow! I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, Lyra. I can be faster when I choose, but it’s a nice day out. Too nice to be hurrying, in my mind.” She smiled before joining me at my side. She led me to a nondescript house and went inside. I knelt down and waited.

A few short minutes later Lyra came bundling out, holding a case in the air with magic. A very light yellow mare followed her out, closing the door behind her. She looked me up and down before giving a little shudder. The ponies here really weren’t used to me, and I suppose some were still afraid even after what Celestia had said.

But they were always relatively polite about it. Lyra introduced us. “Bon-Bon, this is Navarone. Navarone, this is my special somepony Bon-Bon.”

I nodded, smiling. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. Would you like to go to the park to hear Lyra play?”

She nodded stiffly. “I suppose,” she said nervously. I nodded, still smiling.

Lyra clapped a bit, and led the way to a park. She kept up an inane chatter, trying to get her friend to warm up to me. I answered her as I could, not knowing much about the social scene in this place.

Finally, Bon-Bon said, “So Navarone, what did the princess mean when she said you were good at dealing with unicorns?”

Lyra stopped talking. I stopped smiling.

“A few months ago, Twilight was challenged by someone named Trixie,” I said. “Since I pretty much live with Twilight for free, she asked me to go along with her in case she needed help. The competition was set up in a few bouts. Twilight competed against Trixie and lost. I competed against her and won. After a few more bouts, it was resolved as a tie. I assume that’s what Celestia’s talking about.” They both seemed relieved by that.

“And here I was, worried,” Bon-Bon said, sounding relieved. “Even if you do give me a… a bad feeling, you don’t seem dangerous.”

“It’s nice to hear that, Bon-Bon,” I answered. More than enough of these damn horses are afraid of me. Maybe seeing me with a few like this will change their minds.

“So… what exactly are you, anyway?” Bon-Bon asked.

They both seemed to listen rather intently as I explained my species and where I came from, though it seemed hard to believe that they didn’t already know.

When we got to the park, Lyra walked over to a tree that I swear had a groove in it from being sat under. She matched the spot perfectly and started pulling out her instrument. Bon-Bon sat very close to her, watching the minty mare. I sat a few feet away, facing them both.

When she was ready, Lyra began to play. The first song was a beautiful, sorrowful song. It rang a few notes in my mind and for some reason sounded very familiar, but I didn’t know why. When she finished, Bon-Bon was crying lightly, smiling. I was wearing my own little smile.

Lyra looked over at me. “What did you think?” she asked me.

“Beautiful,” I answered. She beamed at me, and began to play much happier songs. We were at the park for an hour or two, until the sun went down. It was a nice day…

I found out just how much booze Applejack was making a few days into winter, when a huge explosion rocked the countryside.

I was with Twilight at the time, talking about an interesting point of logic. As soon as the boom finished echoing, I looked dead at her and said, “I’m right here. This was not my fault.”

“I don’t know,” she sarcastically answered, “you seem really wily. I wouldn’t be surprised if you managed to find a way to be in two places at once.” With that, we set off to find out what the hell happened.

In a typical human and apparently pony reaction, most everyone was staring out at the distance, trying to see whatever happened. Twilight and I were the only ones actually rushing to find out. And of course—as I feared—the trail led to Applejack’s farm.

Now, there were a few good things to be said about this: One, it was winter, so all of the crops were in. Two, no one was in the fields. Three, I couldn’t be logically blamed for it.

Applejack was still rather distraught at it, though. With all the snow on the ground and with no leaves to jump from one tree to another, the fire didn’t spread that far. Stills aren’t that cheap to make, though, and she probably lost a decent investment in the parts it took. I don’t know why she was making that stuff anymore anyway. She didn’t seem to be actually using or selling it, and I kept a very, very close eye on that to make sure.

Thankfully, there was a large group of pegasi already there, getting clouds together to rain the fire out. There wasn’t much for me or Twilight to do by the time we got there.

“Well, I hope you learned a very valuable lesson today,” I told Applejack after we got the fire put out.

“Yeah, build my stills away from trees! You didn’t tell me they could explode!”

“No, the lesson you’re supposed to be learning is that even though I allow you to produce this shit doesn’t mean you should.”

“What, does the actual alcohol itself randomly blow up, too?”

“It is flammable, if the alcohol percentage is high enough, which it is. If someone trips over a lantern where you store it and there’s enough of alcohol there, the explosion will be enough to make this look like a firecracker.”

“I’m done with this stuff. Forget it. I’ll hold onto what I have in case we ever need it, but I’m not making any more.”

“Good girl.” She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Twilight, I’m really not comfortable with being a magic guinea pig,” I said. We were in the library and she was looking at me with predatory eyes.

“Oh come on, Nav! What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could die. Or be turned into a pony permanently. I don’t actually know which of those would be worse.”

“This isn’t a permanent spell. It just lasts a few hours. You’ll be fine!”

I sighed. She grinned, knowing she won, and cast the spell. A purple light arced at me, hit me dead in the chest, diffused around my body, collected in my wings, and shot right back at her. She had the chance to look surprised before it engulfed her in a cloud of purple.

I coughed out a bit of black smoke. “Holy shit,” I rasped. “You okay, Twilight?” The cloud of purple was beginning to dissipate.

“Is that you, Shiny? What happ—” We saw each other at the same time. She looked a hell of a lot smaller and a lot cuter than she used to. Until she saw me, at least. Then her eyes opened as wide as they could, she screamed, reared back, her horn glowed, and I went flying backwards through the closed window. It shattered and sent me tumbling into the town.

I stopped tumbling at the feet of a very confused Applejack. “You alright, Nav?”

“No,” I groaned. It felt like my back was fucked up and I know there was glass in my wings.

“What happened? Is Twilight okay?”

“She fucked a spell up. She was a lot smaller and very confused. Am I bleeding?”

She looked me up and down. “You’ll be fine.” That didn’t answer my question. “Imma go check on Twi.” She galloped up to the door of the library and burst in.

I started picking myself up off the ground, wincing as I did so. The crowd of ponies around me backed away when I stood. I just got thrown out a window by someone they respect a hell of a lot more than me. They probably think I was attacking her.

I spread my wings, trying to feel for any damage. Apparently feathers make good shields for glass. Clothes, however, do not. I heard a loud and familiar gasp behind me. “Nav, what happened?”

“Twilight went crazy, Rarity. Is my back that bad?”

“Well… it’s seen better days. Is Twilight okay?”

“Applejack is checking right now. Can you use your magic to pick any glass out?” She looked disgusted at the question. “It needs to come out or it won’t heal right.” Actually, I don’t know how that would work with healing magic.

“I can… try. Come on to my shop, we’ll get you cleaned up. Now, tell me what happened to Twilight.” She started leading the way to her shop as I explained what happened. “That does sound like her,” she muttered.

“Yeah. Cares nothing for safety. Mine or hers. It’s just like her to defenestrate me for the fun of it.”

She giggled and said, “That’s a word I wouldn’t have expected somepony like you to know.”

“Rarity, you know I’m smart. I’m just uncouth and I don’t care about using the manners I have.”

“I know. You make it easy to forget sometimes.” Rarity can be such a bitch at times. She tends to make up for it, though.

She pushed the door to her boutique open. “Come on in. Try not to bleed on anything.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“How bad does it hurt?”

“I can tell you that it sure don’t feel good.”

We stopped in the kitchen. “Have a seat. I’ll go get some towels and a bucket of water.” I grabbed one of the kitchen seats and sat in it backwards so I didn’t bleed on the wood. Blood stains are pretty hard to remove.

She didn’t take long, thankfully. “It’s a good thing Sweetie Belle left for home yesterday. I would hate for her to see this. Now take your shirt off.”

“I didn’t know you just wanted to get me naked.” I pulled it off and noticed how messed up the back of it looked. She pulled it away with magic. I started feeling pinpricks in my back and heard a few tingles as bits of glass fell to the floor. Occasionally a wet towel would rub over my back, making me flinch.

“This would be much easier if you didn’t jump every time I touched you.”

“I wouldn’t jump every time you touched me if it didn’t hurt like a bitch.”

“Language, Nav… There. I think that’s the last of it. Sit still while I go get a needle and some thread.”

“Oh God, don’t tell me I need stitches!”

“No, no. But your shirt is just ruined! I couldn’t let you keep wearing it like this.” Dammit, Rarity. I sighed in relief as she started walking back into her shop.

She came back quickly and began to work on the shirt. “You need me to clean any of this up?” I asked, flexing my wings a bit.

“No, I can get it all up with magic quickly enough. I wouldn’t want your sensitive paws to get cut up.”

“Thanks for this, Rarity. I don’t know what came over Twilight. She knows I hate getting thrown out windows.”

“She’s done this to you before?”

“No, but she’s smart. She should know that no one likes being thrown out windows.”

“Well, Twilight should know a lot of things that she doesn’t. That pony is so inexperienced with life…” She let out a soft chuckle. “I bet she wouldn’t even know what to do if she developed a crush on somepony.”

“I don’t know if she would be capable of that. The amount of time she spends in study is insane. The only one she could start to crush on is someone that helped her with her studies.”

“Like you, perhaps?” she coyly asked.

“I certainly hope not. She scares me sometimes.” Actually, she scares me a lot. “That would be a match made in hell.”

“If you say so…”

We sat in a bit of silence for a bit before there was a knock at the door. “Want me to get it?” I asked.

“Let a visitor get my door?” she scoffed. “And a bloody one, at that. Stay here, Nav.” She stood and walked out, leaving my shirt behind.

I heard the door open and Applejack’s country twang of an accent say, “Howdy, Rarity. Is Nav still here?”

“Yes he is. What… what happened to Twilight?”

“A spell gone funny, far as I can tell. I hope it ain’t permanent, she’s turned into a filly! Don’t remember a thing of us, neither.”

Rarity was leading AJ into the kitchen. When they got to me, AJ let out a low whistle. “She sure did a number on you! You alright, Nav?”

“Better, now that the glass is gone.” I stood to face them. “The spell isn’t permanent, or at least Twilight didn’t think it was. I told her not to do it, but she doesn’t listen to my advice about stuff like that. Is she still afraid of me, or can I go there to get a new shirt and a shower?”

“You need to see a doctor before anything else, Nav,” Rarity told me. “The way your back is scratched up, you really shouldn’t be walking around!”

“She’s right, sugar cube. You need to get that seen to. But I don’t think Twilight’ll attack you again. You just startled her, is all.”

“She is way too powerful. Who’s looking after her right now?”

“Spike. She recognizes him, even if she isn’t sure why he’s so big. Now c’mon, let’s get you to the doc.”

“Don’t you think we should cover up my cuts first? Ponies might freak out if they saw them.”

“Well… You’re right. Rarity, you have any scrap cloth we could use?”

She looked over to the table at my shirt. “It was a lost cause anyway,” she sighed, magicking it over to me. I wrapped it around my upper body. “You go ahead and take him to the doctor. I’ll clean up this mess and go check on Twilight.”

“See you soon, Rarity!”

“Thanks again.” Off we went to the doc. I’m coming here way too often. I hope this doesn’t become a trend.

Thankfully, after the princess confirmed that I was decent, the doctors actually began to let me in without too many problems. Before, they did their best to get me to visit the vet first, even if they did let me in eventually. Unless I came in with Derpy, as I did that one time. Or was dragged in, as happened with Pinkie.

Anyway, Nurse Redheart led the way to a small room. AJ left me to cool my heels there as she headed back to the library. The doctor didn’t keep me waiting long, at least. “So what seems to be the problem today, Nav?” He was looking at a clipboard or something.

“I’m going to go with these gaping holes in my back that you can see pretty easily,” I commented. I had taken the shirt off when we got here.

He looked up and noticed how fucked up my back was. “Oh. Run through another forest?”

“No, I got thrown out a window. Think you can patch me up?”

“They don’t call me Doctor Feelgood for nothing. I’ll be back in a minute.” He stepped out. Two minutes later he stepped in with a few rolls of gauze and whatnot. “This shouldn’t hurt much.”

“Can you make it just not hurt at all?”

“Yes, I could. Now sit still.” He ran a cleaning pad or something down my back, which stung like fire. “At least all the glass is out.” He began to hum something as he started to roll me up in an impersonation of a mummy. It took me a minute to recognize the theme from “Monster Mash.” I began to hum it with him. When he finished, he said, “There. Most of those are pretty small and should heal up quickly enough. What I rubbed on them should help. If you have any problems, just come on back.”

“You got it, doc. I don’t suppose I get a lollipop for being a good patient?”

“No, you don’t. Head on out, now, and apologize to whoever threw you out the window.”

“I’m hoping it’s the other way around, but either way.” I left the hospital—fuck yeah, pony socialism!—and started back to the library. I knocked on the door, because I really didn’t want filly Twilight to freak out upon seeing me.

Spike answered, looking behind him hesitantly. His eyes lit up when he saw me. “Thank Celestia you’re here! I forgot how much of a pain Twilight was as a filly! Come in, man.”

“Is she going to freak out again?”

“I… don’t think so? I know she threw you through a window, but I think Applejack talked to her.”

“God I hope so.” I entered, to see Twilight surrounded by books. Literally, I mean: She built a book fort around herself and was reading another one. “She doesn’t seem that bad,” I commented.

She looked up at my voice and her eyes went wide. I ripped Spike from the ground and held him in front of me before she could do anything to me; he was relatively resistant to magic.

“You put my pet dragon down!” she demanded, pulling herself from her fort.

Pet dragon? “Are you going to attack me again?” I asked, wielding Spike as a shield.

“Me, attack you? You’re the monster here!”

“That’s a matter of opinion. I was minding my own business when you threw me out the window! That really hurt, you know.”

She humphed. “Serves you right for being a monster. Don’t you want to eat me?”

“Not particularly, no. I mean, if you want to be eaten, I guess I could give it a try. Do you want me to eat you?”

“Well… no. Does that mean you aren’t here to attack me?”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Just because I’m different doesn’t mean I’m evil.”

“Nav, can you put me down?” Spike asked, his arms crossed.

“Can you make sure filly Twilight doesn’t go ape shit on me?”

“Look at her, Nav! She looks more curious than anything, now.”

I moved Spike out of the direct line of sight between me and Twilight. She did look insanely curious, and was hesitantly moving closer to me. I shrugged and set Spike down.

Twilight let off a massive grin. God that’s adorable. “You don’t seem that bad, mister. What’s your name?”

“Navarone. We’ve met, but it’s been a while.”

“I sure don’t remember you.” Man, she really was terrible at social interaction as a filly. “Do you know where Cadance or Shining Armor is? Or my parents? Or the princess?”

“I don’t know Cadance or Shining Armor. I’ve never met your parents, either. The princess is probably in Canterlot. We’re in a small town near there right now.”

She gasped. “I’ve never been outside of Canterlot before! Oh, are the books here that different?”

I looked around the library and finally settled back on her. “You tell me. You’re in the only library in the town, right now. You can read any book you want, here. Just take three down at a time and you’re okay.”

She reared back and clapped her forelegs together, a happy smile on her face. She landed quickly, the smile dropping a bit. “Hey, why do you get to say what I can and can’t read? Are you the librarian?”

“Yes, I am. As long as you don’t make too much noise and don’t make too much of a mess, you can stay here with your pet for as long as you like. I’ll explain the whole thing to your parents when they get here.” Spike gave me a look. I winked at him. He just rolled his eyes.

Twilight was busy giving me the happiest look I think I had seen from a pony in a while. She jumped at me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her instinctively, holding her up. “Thank you mister librarian!” she shouted, hugging me.

“No problem, my dear. Books are there to be read by anypony, after all.” I almost said anyone, but caught myself; no need to risk freaking her out anymore by the grammar change. After a short moment I set her down. She immediately ran back to her book fort and started looking over the titles.

“The mare that was here only let me look at foal books. But now that you’re here…” Her horn glowed and all the books settled back to their section on a low shelf. She trotted around the library, looking for something. “Mister, where are the spell books?”

Oh lord. I led her to where they were. “Take any three, Twilight. Just put them back as you finish. And please don’t cast any spell that might hurt you or anypony else.”

“Yes sir!” She promptly grabbed three large books and dragged them off the shelf. She trotted over to the center of the library where the most light is and began to read.

“Keep an eye on her, Spike,” I told him. He rolled his eyes. I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I grabbed Twilight’s pillow and blanket while I was up there and took them downstairs. “Do you want to get more comfortable, Twilight?” I asked, holding up the pillow.

She looked up from her book and smiled upon seeing me with a pillow. “Yeah! Thanks, mister!” She pulled the pillow from my grasp with weak magic and set it under her. I threw the blanket on top of her. I heard her giggle and saw her horn light up from under it, giving her light. God she’s so adorable. What happened between then and now?

“And you said she was a problem,” I said at Spike, smirking a bit.

“Well, she was. You should have heard her whining when Applejack said she could only read the foal books.” He shook his head. “She sure was a lot easier to put up with back then.”

“Dude, she called you a pet.”

“Well, I might as well have been one, then. Newborn dragons don’t require much care. Feed them once a day and they’re set. We can hardly be hurt and we have just enough magic resistance that it takes a trained unicorn to manipulate us, even at that age.”

“Lucky you. Human babies are helpless when they’re born, and stay that way for a while. There’s a good evolutionary reason for it, but I don’t care enough to explain.”

“Just like I don’t care enough to listen. So, are we just going to leave her there?”

“Well, I’m not planning on leaving her. I don’t want to risk her getting hurt attempting spells she can’t cast just yet.”

He snorted. “This is Twilight we’re talking about. You couldn’t stop her if you tried. And I don’t really think there’s a spell that she can’t cast, other than maybe moving the sun or moon.”

“She uh… she wouldn’t actually try that, would she?” I mean, if Celestia and Luna are faking, Twilight trying to move one of the two might end up with an exploded Twilight.

“No, she respects the princess too much to try it.”

“Good. I’d hate to tell the princess her pupil exploded because she was trying a spell that was too hard.”

“Nav, unicorns don’t explode when they try too hard. They just can’t cast the spell.”

“Well that’s boring. So what do you want to do for a few hours until Twilight gets better?”

“Psh. I’m out, dude. See you later.” With that, he left.

“I hate babysitting,” I muttered.

“Then it’s a good thing there aren’t any babies here!” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of somewhere she shouldn’t have been able to be. She still scares the hell out of me when she does that.

“Pinkie, this is a library. No shouting.”

“Nav… This place never has any customers. I’ve seen three ponies check out books in this place, and I come in here to watch you sleep a lot.”

“That’s really creepy.”

“I know! I mean, why do we even have a library if no pony uses it? Doctor Whooves is the only pony I’ve seen come in here more than once. Now, where’s filly Twilight? I bet she’s so cute!”

I pointed to the blanket. “She’s not going to recognize you, though. It’s best to just l—”

Pinkie whipped the blanket off with a massive grin. She promptly went flying out the window that was still broken from me flying out it earlier. Twilight seemed to be having a panic attack.

I got down next to her as Pinkie jumped back inside. “That was so cool! Do it again, do it again!”

That just made Twilight freak out even more. I wrapped her in my arms, “Shh, Twilight. It’s okay. That’s just Pinkie.” Pinkie popped up right next to us, grinning like mad at Twilight.

“What’s wrong?” she said in a voice that was way too loud.

Twilight let off an adorable sound and huddled in my arms even more. I wrapped my wings around her to block Pinkie off, then pulled my head up. “Pinkie, Twilight is not good in social situations. You remember how she was when she first got here? She was worse as a filly. You’re scaring her.”

“P-shaw! She just needs a party!”

“No. She doesn’t. She needs to be left alone until the spell wears off. Get out, and tell the others not to visit either, unless they promise to leave her alone.”

“But—”

“Out, Pinkie.”

She gave an overly theatrical sigh that did nothing to move me. She slowly walked to the door and looked back with sad eyes until I was able to glare at her hard enough for her to get the message.

When she finally left, I lifted my wings. “She’s gone, Twilight. It’s okay now.”

She slowly poked her head out of my arms and gave a quick look around. When she was sure that no one was lurking, waiting to try to talk to her, she let me go. I released her and stood back up.

“Wow mister, you sure are tall.”

“Not as tall as Celestia, though. Have you met her?”

Twilight nodded her head. “Yeah, I’m her personal student! I’m going to be the best unicorn ever!”

“With as much as you seem to enjoy reading, it certainly seems that you might. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Just like that, her entire panic attack was over. She went back to reading, quick as you please. The blanket wasn’t completely over her, but she did wrap it around herself.

Pinkie was right, though. The library never did get used by just about anyone. Twilight kept records, and there were around fifty books checked out since I got here. Half were from Cheerilee, the town’s teacher. A few were from some stallion named Doctor Whooves, who never seemed to visit while I was here or awake. Derpy checked out a lot of really high level science stuff. Anatomy, physics, math, chemistry, all that good stuff—what little of it the ponies had, at least. Rainbow Dash checked out several crappy fiction books—I tried reading through some of the boring shit she checked out and I just gave up. Fluttershy got a few on animal anatomy. A few others came in and got some on gardening. That’s it.

Although I will happily admit that everyone that came in looking for something was able to find it very easily.

Since there was never any real work to be done involving the library other than cleaning, I busied myself with catching up on my journals. I was right here when there was a knock at the door.

I opened it to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, each wearing a massive smile. “Are you going to bother her?”

“Of course not, Nav!” Rainbow Dash said. “We wouldn’t do that.”

I swung my head to Fluttershy, who was still wearing a smile. She saw my dead eyes. Her smile slowly disappeared. She gulped and said, “W-w-well, we might say hi.”

“You can look at her, but don’t stare. Don’t talk to her. She’ll freak out and I’ll have to hold her again until you leave. Do we have an understanding?”

The both nodded. I let them in.

Color me surprised, but they both held to it. They did stare just a little bit, but Twilight was too absorbed by the book to notice. When they got done pretending to look around the library, they came back to me and let out some very quiet ‘squees.’

“She’s so cute!” Fluttershy whispered, glancing at Twilight occasionally.

“And she panics easily,” I said. “Go on now, you two. I got this covered.”

They both giggled and left, looking back a few times.

“You have weird friends, mister. I don’t think they’ve ever seen a filly before.”

“Yeah, they are weird. Doesn’t change that they’re my friends.” She didn’t even look up from her book.

Silence returned, aside from the sound of my quill scratching at the page and Twilight occasionally flipping a page with magic. I finished the journal thing and started working on instructions for all sorts of stuff. Bombs, weapons, generators, alcohol, drugs, anything I thought the ponies might one day need. I was planning on giving them all to Celestia when I couldn’t think of anything else to add.

If she was as wise as I thought she was, she would burn them without even looking at them.

Nearly an hour later Twilight finally said something. “I feel… funny.”

I looked up. “Good funny or bad funny?”

“I… don’t… know?” With each word, her voice changed. She was back to herself on the last one.

“About time,” I said. I returned to what I was writing.

“I was a filly!” she exclaimed, looking at herself wildly. “How did the spell hit me?”

I looked up. “Fuck if I know. It hit my body, spread out, stopped at my wings, and shot right back at you. Then you freaked out and threw me through a window.”

“I remember that, but… how?” Yeah, don’t even apologize for attacking me.

“Magic, that’s how. I don’t think a filly version of you could pick me up to throw me like that.”

“No! How did the spell do that?”

“It’s a simple telekinesis spell. How do you not know how that works?”

“I’M TALKING ABOUT THE YOUNGIFYING SPELL!”

“Sheesh, calm down. Do I need to put you in timeout?”

“Don’t make me throw you back out that window!”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s already broken.” I stopped. She opened her mouth. “Because you threw me out it.” She closed her mouth. After a moment she opened it again. “And broke it with my back. You know, glass and blood everywhere.”

“Are you done?”

“It hurt pretty badly, too. Ruined a good shirt. Scared the piss out of some of the ponies outside. They thought I finally turned violent.”

“Now, can we get back to discussing the spell?” Fuck you too, Twilight.

“I don’t know what there is to discuss. You cast it. It hit me. It was rejected. It hit you. You turned into the most adorable filly I’ve ever seen that also happened to have a penchant for throwing innocent humans out windows.” And not so innocent ponies.

She blushed a bit at that. “You thought I was adorable?”

“Yeah. Your friends did too.”

“I remember them coming by. And I remember… you holding me. Protecting me from the pink demon.” That’s fitting, for Pinkie.

“So are you done with spell testing for today?”

She was silent for a moment, just looking at me. “I’m sorry for throwing you out the window, Nav. I know you’re not a monster, even if filly-me thought you were.”

“I got better. No worries. So. What now?”

She was silent again until she finally said, “I guess we should figure out why the spell didn’t work on you. You said it stopped at your wings?”

“Yeah. My guess is that it read all of my capabilities and body parts and it saw that I had something I have now that I didn’t have as a kid, and figured that it couldn’t make me younger.”

“That’s what I was thinking. The other possibility is that you didn’t exist in a world that had magic as a colt, and thus the spell didn’t have any reference frame for what you looked like. Either one seems possible.”

“Or it could just be a spell that isn’t intended to be used on someone else. Are you sure you read the book correctly?”

“This didn’t come from a book. This is one of the innate powers I seem to be getting. I’m almost positive it’s supposed to be used on somepony else.”

“Try one of the girls. They’re all from here. I suggest Pinkie Pie; she’ll be the easiest to keep in line as a filly.” Pinkie’s childhood life was very, very depressing. Apparently she didn’t know what a smile was until she got her cutie mark. She would be easy to handle.

“I suppose I owe her an apology anyway. She always likes testing spells like this. I can do both at once!” She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark. “It’ll just have to be tomorrow. And I’m afraid you shouldn’t be anywhere near, just in case she reacts like I did.”

“Fair enough. I’m sure I can find something else to do.”

She looked down at the pile of stuff she had. “I suppose I should pick this mess up.” With a sigh, she got to it.

Such is life in Ponyville.

Special Christmas Chapter

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter Sixteen—The march to freedom!

Chapter Sixteen—The march to freedom!

Now, I know a lot of movies and crap have the heroes get clubbed in the skull and from there they can wake up in a few hours feeling fine.

That shit ain’t true. I was out for over a day with a concussion, nodding into and out of consciousness. When I finally woke up, I had the worst headache of my life. I leaned out of my bed and vomited what little I had in my stomach up, and then gagged until there was no bile left in my system at all. I still felt like shit, and I passed out again shortly afterwards.

I woke up again to a cat woman trying to feed me broth. I took what I could, though my head still felt like a horse had kicked it. Which, as I found out later, wasn’t that far from the truth: It was a zebra that knocked me out.

When I finally woke up for good, I found I was in a small camp on the western bank of the Nile. It was definitely a war camp; I could hear some sounds of smithing being done in one area, and I heard troops calling cadences in another area. My leg was chained to the floor, with the weight buried under hard-packed sand.

Of my weapons or Spike there was no sign, though it did appear that someone was sharing the yurt with me. Another rumpled cot sat against one of the walls.

Seeing nothing I could do, I settled back to wait. My body was cramped from the long time spent in bed, so I did my best to shake it loose. There was only so much I could do with my wings, but I did what I could.

I had my back to the tent door, wings completely outstretched, when someone pushed the tent flap in and gasped. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it, because it’s never crossed my mind or seemed important, but my wingspan is… well, large. I’m around five foot six, myself. My wingspan is probably eight feet, stretched completely out. Pegasi have more magic in them than I do, meaning their wings are a hell of a lot smaller despite them weighing more than I do. It means I’m good at gliding but mediocre at actual flying. I can imagine someone that has never seen anything with wings would be surprised to see them stretch so far.

Anyway, when I heard the gasp behind me, I retracted my wings and quickly turned, surprised at being caught off guard. I can’t imagine how I looked; I had been away from a mirror since I left Ponyville, and so I hadn’t bothered to shave since then. The rubber band was out of my hair, meaning it was thrown about wildly when I turned. My face was filthy from sand and dust and grime. I probably looked like an angel after a serious yearlong bender.

“Uh, hi,” I said, not sure what to do. The person that disturbed me was a female cat. A very buxom female cat, of the like that I wouldn’t have been too surprised to have seen working with some of the ponies back in Alexandria. She had a bucket of water in one hand and a bowl of broth in the other. I couldn’t tell if she was going to call the guards or come the rest of the way in, so I didn’t make any sudden movements. I just very slowly sat back down on my bed.

“We… we are surprised to see you awake so soon,” she said weakly.

“Yeah, that happens with me.” Humor sometimes works, but with no context this one fell flat. “I don’t suppose that food is for me?”

“…Yes. It is. And the water. For drinking or for washing. We are near the river, it is easy to find.” So nervous. Am I really that ugly?

“If you’re afraid of me, just leave it right there and I’ll wait until you’re gone to get it.”

That seemed to prompt her into moving, and she brought me the bowl and left the bucket by the bed, then sat on the other bed in the room. I murmured thanks and began eating what I could. I still felt like shit, but I put down as much of it as I could bear. After a day or two in bed, I was feeling very weak and knew I needed to eat something.

When I set the bowl aside, she started talking. “Our leader wants to speak to you. We thought you were a simple mercenary, a sword for hire, but when we started searching your belongings we found some… interesting letters.” Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Instead of showing any distress, though, I forced myself to calmly say, “Then you know who—and what—I am. I trust I am not a prisoner?” with a pointed look at my chain.

“That is there merely so you will not try to flee or fight before we have a chance to talk with you. We read your journal entries.” This just got a lot more interesting. Thankfully, I left most of them back in Equestria. All I had here were the things I had written in the time since we left. Nothing that painted me as too much of a coward, so I could easily fake being an absolute badass agent of the crown. I mean, Celestia ruled more than half of the world. Why would she send a coward and a weak fighter into a place like this?

“Where is Spike?”

“Your dragon friend? He is being safeguarded.”

“Let me see him.”

“Not until you talk with our leader.”

“How can I trust you that he’s still alive?”

“You will just have to take my word.” Dammit. These cat people were starting to piss me off. “He told us some interesting things about you, too. He seems a lot more talkative than you do.”

“That’s probably because he didn’t get knocked out and wake up chained to the ground.”

“That wasn’t my decision.”

“Your people didn’t even ask if I would come quietly. I was unarmed!”

“Perhaps. We still didn’t know if we could trust you. But now, you don’t know where we are.”

“Your recruiting policy is shit. Tell that to whoever is in charge of it. And tell Anton that he can suck a dick, if you ever see him again. Last time I take a job from a fucking pony with a violent fucking cutie mark.”

She smiled at that, and was about to respond, when the tent flap was wrenched open and a large, hulking cat walked in. Now, I have been in the presence of some violent people. The naga, for example, were violent. Theirs was an honorable sort of violence, though; unless you really pissed them off, they would fight fair. I’ve been among gang bangers back home. They were violent, but if you were their friend, you were their friend for life, and they would always back you up.

This cat, though… this fucker looked like he was just looking for any excuse to fly off the handle toward anyone. His hands were large enough to grab my head in one and my feet in the other and just pull. And he looked strong enough to actually rip me in half, too. His face was a mass of scars, and his back was just as bad. He was missing one finger on his right hand and half of his right ear looked chewed off.

I didn’t want to do anything to piss this guy off. I was afraid to even look at him. But I knew my stance here depended heavily upon what little authority I had from Celestia, and how I acted. So I met his gaze evenly, even though my feet felt like they should be quaking.

When he saw that, he openly sneered, twisting the scars on his face into obscene shapes. “Come on, you winged freak. We’re going for a walk.” With that, he bent down and ripped the chain out of the sand, pulling up a rock the size of Spike with it. I stood up, but before I could move, the cat lady pushed me back down.

“That’s no way to treat our guests, Rock.”

“Until it speaks to the boss, it isn’t a guest. It’s a prisoner.”

“He is a guest in my tent. And you will treat my guests with honor.”

I honestly thought he was about to punch her in the face and drag me off, but astoundingly he bowed his head to her. “As you want, Kat.” Then, to me, “Come along, guest. You have a meeting with the boss.”

I stood again and waved my arm forward. “Lead the way.”

It was a rather disorderly camp. Little cubs ran about our feet, gazing in wonder at the ‘Sphinx,’ they called me. That did not bode well, in my mind at least.

I was itching for my desert clothes, to hide my humanness to these people. And to hide my wings, of course. All I had on right now was a pair of pants that they probably found in my belongings. The sun was beating down on my exposed flesh, already making me feel overheated.

The leader’s tent was in the center of the bunch, and we were on one of the edges. It didn’t take us five minutes to make it there, but the half of the camp we passed through was abuzz with gossip as soon as they laid eyes on me. I didn’t know how far the news that I was from Equestria had traveled, but these people definitely knew something was up. I kept my head held high, at least pretending to have a bit of dignity. I might be walking to the executioner’s block, but at least I could give them a show.

When I got to the leader’s tent, I was made to sit down and wait. He was writing some manner of note or plan or something. As soon as I sat down, I realized exactly what was happening. Thankfully, I knew I could outwait any cat any day, and set about proving it.

While I was waiting, I took some time to study the cat in front of me. He was small, not overly old, but I could definitely feel some intelligence there. As I studied more of his body, I started to realize that this wasn’t exactly as much of a ‘he’ as I originally thought. She shifted once, and I could tell that I was correct in my new assessment: This dude was a chick. Her whiskers were long, her eyes were dark green, and she was a deep coal black color. She wasn’t scarred like her hulking fighter behind me, nor as buxom and noticeable as the Kat next to Rock.

No, their leader was someone you could lose in a crowd and never find again, or someone you could meet and know all your life but never able to describe well. Very nondescript, you know? It’s hard to describe.

After half an hour of waiting, she gave up on that method and looked up. “So, Navarone, we meet at last.”

“You know my name, but I don’t have the honor of yours.”

“Oh, you’re going to be a fun one, aren’t you? We know quite a lot about you, Navarone. Working for the horse queen of the ponies, set to flee east with as many of her ponies as you can bring with you, and with as many of my cats to use as cannon fodder as possible. Tell me, did you really think we would be so foolish as to take that offer?” Oh man. Full overgear into lie mode.

“I can understand why you might think it unwise to trade one type of slavery for what you might see as another.”

“Tell me, why should we flee east and beg for asylum from an eternal princess? Why should we not instead fight for our freedom here in our own land?”

“You might know I’m not from this world; I don’t remember how much is in that journal you read. But either way, I’m not. I’m from a world where war is common and rebellions are everyday things. Do you know what happens in my world to civilians with weapons that try to go up against standing governments with large armies?” Before she could answer, I said, “They die. They die fast and they die hard. Even if they get outside support from powerful nations, they still tend to have an attrition rate that is simply unacceptable to any good commander. If you want to fight your government, you will lose, unless you can turn almost the entire population against them.”

“And what makes you think we can’t?”

“Because many of your people have already fled east. They wouldn’t be running if they were winning, or had a good chance to.”

She stood up, beginning to pace behind her desk. “Some fools don’t see the big picture. They think that by running, their problems are solved. What of their families and their clan that are left behind? What of their people that are left to suffer? Why should we few who escape be the lucky ones who can leave our hard lives behind? Why can’t we all break out? Or better yet, change the system?”

“Because that isn’t how life works. You can’t butt heads with the hardest skull in the area if you are the weakest. You can try to fight if you want, but it won’t do you any good. Better to grab as many people as you can and flee to the nearest safe area as quietly as possible. Nowhere in this country is safe for you, not for long anyway. This is a nomadic style camp, I could tell when I walked through it. You can’t fight a government with these numbers. But if you flee east, you could build a safe haven there for any escaped slave that can make it to you, and build a network to funnel slaves through.” I could see Kat preening behind me, while Rock seemed to glower darkly at my back. A quick guess told me that I just suggested what Kat wanted and what Rock feared.

The leader looked to Kat, “Did you feed him this idea before he came here?”

“He woke up and not five minutes later Rock came in and grabbed him. I barely had a chance to feed him.”

The leader looked back to me. “And would your queen be willing to help us in this?”

“I don’t know. I can’t answer for her.”

“Then what good are you to us?”

“Give me some paper, a pen, and let me meet with Spike alone for half an hour.”

“How can I trust that you won’t magic yourself away?”

“What does it matter to you if we do? You’d be in the same boat you were before we met.”

I could see the debate on her face. Finally, she assented. She turned to Kat. “Go get the dragon.”

The leader gave me paper and a pen. “When the dragon gets here you have fifteen minutes.” I started writing.

When Spike arrived, he whooped. “Navarone, thank Celestia you’re alive!”

“Yeah, they aren’t kind with their recruiting options.”

The leader chick ahemmed and said, “Fifteen minutes.” They all filed out of the tent.

I wrote ‘respond asap’ on the letter, then handed it to Spike. “Send this to Celestia.” He did. “We’re in a mess here, mate. These people don’t trust us or Celestia, and they’re divided on what they even want to do. Some want to stay and fight, some want to flee and build a refugee network as they go.”

“Why can’t they all just go north and let Celestia pick them up in boats?” Good question with an easy answer.

“That would be tantamount to war. It’s one thing to offer asylum, it’s another thing to steal people from their own country. Remember, there are ponies here that can’t leave; if Celestia starts helping slaves escape like that, the government here will have a reason to start oppressing ponies even more.”

“That’s cruel!” Immediately after saying that, he belched out a response.

“That’s politics,” I said as I grabbed the note.

It read, “Could I, through you, teleport the leader to me to talk?”

I wrote, “Negative. Locals too paranoid. Negative on you coming, either. Can’t risk a pony life here due to a misunderstanding. Give me one answer or another. Sorry.”

I gave that to Spike.

The response said, “If their refugee network will include allowing ponies to escape east, they can all come if they want. Help them however they need it.”

“Thank God,” I said, letting out a breath. I stuck my head out of the tent, and told them we were done and had a response. It was a subdued group that came in.

When they were all settled, I told them the news: “If your escaped slave network includes ponies, you can stage all you want in her territory.” Kat, at least, was pleased at that. Rock and the leader were less so, but only Rock expressed actual disappointment.

“So, now that we’re done with that business, how about letting us get out of your hair?” I asked. Spike nodded happily.

The leader frowned. “Not quite that simple. You know our plans. We can’t just let you roam the desert freely.”

“I don’t plan to roam the desert. I plan to head directly east and get the hell out of this fucking place.”

“We still can’t let you do that. I’m afraid you’re coming with us, even if we have to chain you and make Rock drag you.”

“Will you at least let me have my weapons back?”

“You can have that hunk of wood and one of your knives. The rest are needed.”

“And my bolts? My gloves? My journals? Pretty much everything else I had?

“Everything we didn’t keep, we left with Spike. Speaking of which, you two can see each other once a day, but otherwise you are to be kept apart. As long as you behave well, Navarone, you can continue to stay with Kat. Just obey her orders. Otherwise… Well, I’ve heard cages do interesting things to winged creatures.” Oh hell no.

“If you cage me, you will die.” It was not a threat, not a warning, just a direct statement of fact, and it was said as such.

She nodded, as though that was what she was expecting. “Then don’t make it necessary.”

A silence came over us until an odd thought occurred to me. “Tell me, why do the cubs outside call me Sphinx?”

“There is a massive statue the slaves were forced to build down outside of Catro. It has your type of body, your type of wings, but the face of a cat. The slaves and the common people who built it thought the naga that commissioned it were mad. But then you show up. What would you think, Navarone?”

“As long as no one asks me for a riddle, I’m okay with it.”

“That reminds me. The question you asked me at the start of this discourse, my name. I am called Jocasta.” Son. Of. A. Bitch.

That requires some understanding of strange human mythology to get. One of the legends of the Sphinx was that Oedipus answered her riddles and the Sphinx fell in love with him because of it. But Oedipus loved a woman named Jocasta, which was his mother—it’s an odd story.

Anyway, the Sphinx ended up killing herself to try to get Oedipus to love her or something like that. I don’t know much, but that sounded right. Either way, it was a terrifying coincidence that I would run into a group of people that call me Sphinx led by a woman named Jocasta.

With that bombshell, she had my chain removed and sent us back to our tents. I asked Kat about letting me fly, but she said no. “You would be the only flier in the air, and they are not a common sight. We are not too far from Catro, and you might bring retribution upon us.”

My crossbow and naga knife were returned to me in Kat’s tent. With them came everything else I had on me: Letters, journals, about half of my bolts, the alcohol, my gloves, and one of the fire starters. I didn’t even bother asking what they did with the rest.

With the bucket of water that was still untouched next to my bed, I started cleaning my face and shaving with the finely honed edge of the well-made naga knife. Kat looked up when I was about halfway done and said, “If you do that, the kids might stop calling you Sphinx.”

I looked at her and said, “Good,” and then continued.

Since I wasn’t used to shaving with a knife or without a mirror, I nicked myself a few times, but it was nothing too bad. Kat mentioned it, though, “Doesn’t that hurt?”

I shrugged. “Nothing major.” I think she smiled at that for some reason, but I wasn’t really paying attention to her. When I finished, I went to put on my desert clothes. She watched for a while, but stopped me as I was throwing on the cape. “You are to leave your wings uncovered, unless told otherwise.” I sighed. “Why would you be so quick to hide them?”

“Because nowhere I go do I fit in at all. Among the ponies I am an outsider. Among the naga, I was welcome after I proved my prowess in battle, but they hated my wings as soon as they saw them. In that port city, I was almost drugged and then who knows what just for being different. It was only when I was able to cover myself completely, hiding the wings and my skin, that I was able to stroll the streets relatively unmolested.”

“How are you able to live among the ponies, knowing they did that to you?”

“It was an accident. And it was only the fault of one. They are a truly peaceful people at heart, and no one sane craves war. I’d love to live in peace, even if the fire in my blood would desire action of some sort. I might live alone among them, but at least I would live in peace.”

“It sounds like a nice dream.”

“Until recently it was a reality, at least for a while. My services were requested by one of my friends there, to deal with what we thought was a hostage crisis. It turned out to be a siege of one group of naga against another, with the ‘hostages’ being kept for their own protection. I ended up sneaking into the enemy camp and killing most of the naga there, with either my knife or with fire. There was a single survivor. My soul had seen some of the atrocities of war firsthand, then, and my hands had held the knife that snuffed out several lives, not with a shout, but with a whimper in the darkness. I killed in cold blood, and then set fire to their tents to distract them while I fled. I didn’t realize their women and children were in the tents…”

“You aren’t the only one that has done horrible things. But as you yourself said, accidents are forgivable. And so is killing, as I am well aware.” I should have questioned that. Instead, I went back to self-pity.

“I wish I could believe that…”

“Then allow our people to be your redemption, if that is the way you feel. Your experiences with the naga led you here, and here you have the ability to save thousands, to redeem yourself from your hundred killed.”

“But at what cost? What level of blood will my hands be drenched in by the time we reach the border? Especially if you all do as I fear and lollygag about in fleeing!”

“And why would we do that?”

“You need to build connections and steal more slaves as we run. That can’t be done quickly, unless you want to just go in and kill anything that moves in larger slave camps.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“It would be suicide. This group of people is, what, fifty strong? Give or take a dozen. You could smuggle that number out with no problem, even if you did have to split up. Keeping that number of people fed and with water isn’t impossible, either, though it might be hard; you’d have to raid a caravan or two on the way, unless you have stockpiles. But if you start freeing every slave between here and the Suez Canal, that would force a response from the government and the people would be impossible to feed. And I don’t know what you were told regarding the spirit of the warrior, but that is complete shit. The enemy has weapons and training, we don’t. And if we’re forced to fight our way across the border, we will lose too many troops pushing it. You can’t force a river front like the Suez without massive support squads and engineers trained in pontoon building. If that was your plan, you’d be better off guerilla fighting with a group about this size and just doing damage as you can here and there, working to destabilize the government. A full scale fight is something you would lose.”

“That was basically my argument. Rock wouldn’t buy it, and Jocasta really wants to free everyone. With the support of the ponies on our side, though, we can possibly force the government to give over on its slaves and release everyone peacefully.”

“I hope so. I know if Celestia is forced to push the issue, I’ll probably be either on the front lines or behind the enemy lines, causing what havoc I could in the back. Either way, it would be dangerous for me. I just want to get home, or at the very least among friends.”

“What makes you think that you would be the one sent? It might be one of us; we look more like we belong here than you do.”

“Trust, of course. That and I think she secretly hates me and wants to get me killed.”

“If you are so useful, why would she feel this way?”

“I have made life difficult for her, for reasons I am not at liberty to say.”

“Maybe you will tell me more of your secrets in time, Navarone.”

Not this one. “I don’t know what more you want from me. I’ve told you pretty much everything about me that you asked. Hell, not like you can use any of it against me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. You said that not many ponies know of your activities. What would you do if we were to threaten to reveal them? They might not let you back.”

“And why would you want to do that?”

“To keep you here, where you can help us fight.”

“What makes you think I’d want to help you after you ruin my chance of returning to peace?”

“Where else would you go?”

“I could go to your enemies, if nothing else. If the ponies disown me, I have some plans in place that could easily destabilize this world, in more ways than one.” Not entirely true, but I did have a few ideas to take down Celestia that I didn’t mention to anyone. And if I had to go about wiping out slave groups for a corrupt government, I had methods of doing that as well. “Basically, it would not be in your good interests to betray me.”

“You talk big, but you have little proof to back up what you say. What makes you think you could even go to our enemies? They would probably never take you.”

“A mercenary that brings the head of a leader in the enemy force would be rather highly praised. I told you some things about me, but not everything. You bastards may currently have me neutered, with a blade against Spike’s throat, but if that dynamic was gone, you would never see me again. Or at least, not until it was too late to run.”

“So why should we even keep you alive, if you could be such a great threat?”

“Because I won’t be until you turn me into one.”

“You know, Navarone,” she said, walking to me. “You aren’t the only one with trump cards,” she said, with a caress to my face that suddenly turned sharp as she bared her claws. “I could do anything I wanted to you, and you would be forced to sit there and take it.”

“You could, but I don’t see why you would.”

“Ah, confusion in his eyes at last,” she whispered, turning away. “So you aren’t as smart as you think you are.”

“There would be nothing to gain for you. Unless you’ve planned to be found out, and want me to take the blame for it.”

“You always seem to think of politics. Never of fun. Tell me, when was the last time you laid with a woman?”

Oh, that’s what this is about. “As far as I know, about a month. A naga woman.”

“I see. Stretch your wings for me.”

What the fuck is wrong with this chick? I gave her the look you would expect when you’re thinking something like that.

“I wasn’t asking, Navarone.”

I did as she said, stretching them as far as I could. She walked back up and ran her paws over them, sighing with pleasure as she caressed them. I felt dirty, but I couldn’t help a little moan… What the fuck? Why does that feel… good?

And then she nodded once and walked out of the tent.

I had finally found someone crazier than Pinkie Pie. And I was living with her until we got back to the ponies.

I was tempted to act out to end up with Rock instead, but I was more afraid of any of his fetishes than I was of Kat’s. At least if push came to shove, I could resist Kat if I had to.

But seriously, what the fuck?

The next day, we broke camp. For basically being a large band of nomads, they were surprisingly professional about it. Everything was squared away in under two hours and we were on our way.

And of course, instead of going east across the river, we went fucking south.

“Why are we going the wrong way?” I asked Kat.

“Because we can’t cross the river here.”

“Why not?” I swear to God if you say it’s because you’re cats…

“The river is… unsafe.”

“Why don’t we go north instead and use rafts to travel along the coast? We’d avoid any military patrols and we could easily just skim around the border and the Suez Canal.”

“We have our reasons.” Dammit, they’re going to attack some camps.

Dammit, I hate it when I’m right. I was in the middle of running a mission, basically doing the same crap I did with the naga: Fly in and either wreak havoc or release slaves.

Since the cat people were stealthier and lighter than the naga, I was able to fly a small fighter in with me. His name was Miguel, a dirty little fighter that I hand picked because I knew he would be slitting throats and would probably get caught and cause enough of a distraction to let me get out unscathed.

While he was gleefully killing guards, I was using the keys from a belt loop that I casually ‘borrowed’ to release slaves. I pointed them to the entrance of the camp, where Miguel had already dealt with the guards. A few more ‘freedom fighters’ were making their way in, but we couldn’t risk bringing in too many.

Dammit, whose idea was this? Kat was reasonably sensible when it came to stuff like that, I had found. I was guessing Jocasta, because Rock would have just ordered us to attack the place up front, in plain daylight, with no planning.

I pulled the lock on the last slave pen and pointed them to the exit, then went looking for Miguel and the rest of the fighters. All I had to do was follow the sound of the general alarm that just started going off. Son of a bitch. I grabbed the nearest friendly and yelled at him, “We have to get out!”

He shook out of his bloodlust and nodded numbly, pushing and pulling his comrades back. In an effort to hasten the process—before the gates could be closed and our troops locked inside—I did my best to light some of the empty slave pens on fire. That probably wouldn’t kill any guards, but it would provide a distraction. There was little wood in the pens, as they were made of mostly clay or something like it, but I burned what I could.

When I saw that most of the fighters got the message, I leapt into the air to see what more I could do. There was, of course, general bedlam. I saw that the last fighter was Miguel, and he was doing an insane dance with two long daggers. Nothing got near him and lived. I was tempted to leave him, but I swooped in and grabbed him just as he pulled his daggers out of a newly made cadaver. He almost stabbed me before he returned to his senses.

Instead, he yelled, “Good fight, Sphinx!” Kat was wrong about that name. It did stick, even though I shaved. “We killed many today!”

I didn’t answer.

When we got back to the camp, the mood was ecstatic. They had won their first battle against the enemy and were high on their success. I didn’t want to ruin their party so soon, so instead I went to Jocasta’s tent. After a brief altercation with the guards, I was allowed inside.

“What in the hell was that?” I accosted her.

“That was restoring hope to my people,” she answered with a shiny smile across her black face.

“Tell me, where are we going to get food for these people? Or water? And what about the old, the young, the infirm? If we stop, we die. If we slow down too much, we die. If we run out of food or water, we die. I thought I made that clear!”

The smile disappeared and in a cold, calm fury, she said, “You are not in charge of this camp. You are an agent of a foreign power. You were promised to us as aid. You will obey my orders or you will die. Is that understood?”

“You’re going to get us all killed.” With that, I left, not letting her respond.

I stood at the edge of the party, not belonging there and yet somehow wanting to join in on the happiness. We had come a ways from where we had started, at least; we finally got across the river, at a bridge not too far north of Cairo. Thankfully, the group we were in was small enough to be classified as a ‘roaming nomad group,’ as I had predicted, and we weren’t searched that hard before we were allowed through.

We were making slow progress, not wanting to alarm any patrols that might be tracking us. At the time, I was predicting making it to the Suez Canal in at best two weeks, if we went in a straight line.

And then came the attack on the enemy camp. Now we were up to over three hundred people, many weak from slave labor or too old to be useful. We could no longer be seen as a nomadic group; we were too large and we had sacked an enemy area. Basically, any patrol that ran into us now had to be wiped out before they could report us.

And just to show that whatever god is watching over this mad world wasn’t paying attention to me, Kat decided she wanted to celebrate that night.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

I got back to our tent shortly after I left Jocasta’s. I don’t know why Kat and I were given a tent; maybe Kat was a leader of sorts, or maybe the cats thought I was important enough to warrant one.

Kat was there, surprisingly. I hadn’t thought much of her threat; she hadn’t mentioned it since that day, so I was thinking she decided against it.

I was wrong.

She was sitting on the bed—the bed, mine was gone for some reason. Next to her was a… collar. And next to that was a leash.

I turned around, about to step right back out.

“If you leave, I’ll tell Jocasta you haven’t been obeying me.” I stopped. I just pissed Jocasta off; she’d side with Kat and smile while doing it. I turned around again. “That’s better,” Kat said, smiling. “Now why don’t you come over here?”

I slowly walked to her.

“Ooh, trying to make me excited?” she purred, seeing my slow advance. “We have all night, you know.”

I was right in front of her, towering over her.

“On your knees, Navarone,” she casually said, stroking the collar. I jerkingly lowered myself down until I was kneeling in front of her. My head was about at her stomach. “Look at me,” she whispered.

I turned my eyes up at hers. Our eyes met. She reached around my neck and I heard the collar snap into place. “Your journals said you didn’t think sex with a slave was fair, Nav. Rape, you called it. What does that make what we’re about to do?”

I didn’t answer.

She stood and walked behind me, holding the leash. I felt it clip onto the collar around my neck. She tugged it gently to make sure it was attached.

“I remember seeing you when you were knocked unconscious,” she said, still behind me. “Stripped down. Helpless. Like a little wounded bird…” She gently caressed my wings. “I wanted you.” I felt her caresses turn sharp. “I am going to make you sing, my sweet little bird. And you are going to love me for it.” She pulled the leash harder, upwards. I stood and turned. I looked down at her. I could crush you.

“Strip me,” she ordered. I began untying and removing her clothing, doing my best to not touch her actual fur, but I know my hands had to graze it a few times. When she was completely nude, she sat back on the bed, pulling the leash down. I kneeled again. “You’re good at this, human. I almost think you’ve had practice.”

I didn’t answer.

“I don’t need you to talk, Navarone. I think I’ll like the sounds you’ll be making soon more anyway,” she said, grinning. I just looked down at her body. I knew what I was about to be doing. It wouldn’t be so bad… She looked a lot more human than the ponies or the naga. And I knew that if I absolutely had to, I could resist. But… it was still rape.

She opened her legs. “What are you waiting for?” she whispered. I looked at her hidden gem. It was smaller than a mare’s or the naga’s. There was the hint of a clit jutting out with her slowly growing arousal. Thankfully, there was a general lack of fur around the part I knew would be getting most of the attention.

When I raised my hands to pull her closer, the collar tightened as she pulled the leash. “No hands, Nav,” she said. I lowered them, sighing gently. Since she was making me go to her, I leaned my head in and breathed out some warm air against her folds. She shuddered lightly. One of her paws went to the top of my head and I knew I was about to be forced in if I didn’t stop delaying. I moved my head a bit closer and took her clit into my mouth, tweaking it with my tongue.

She let out a deep moan, beginning to purr. Oh God, it’s like I’m having sex with a ca—Oh right. I continued playing with her clit, and felt the hand that was on my head slip down to my wings, gently caressing one of them. It felt really nice, but the entire situation felt… wrong.

After a few minutes of toying with her clit and hearing her deep moans, I began to lick the lips of her small pussy. I could taste the juices that were beginning to flow with more and more force; slightly sweet with a bitter aftertaste. How is she staying clean? Some questions are better left unanswered, I suppose.

After half a minute of that, I moved my tongue inside. Holy fuck, she’s tight even on my tongue! I swirled around, trying to find any good spots but not really knowing what I was doing. This was, after all, only the second time I’ve done this, and the first was with a naga that was so cold my tongue felt frostbitten.

I heard her say, “After this night, I’ll have to teach you how to do this properly…” She ruined her assessment with another moan. “But for now,” she sighed, “your amateur style is refreshing.”

Amateur? Well, technically… But I know a few tongue tricks, and I’ve seen the tongues of cats. Since I began, I had narrowed my tongue out to make the contact area smaller so I would suffer less. But if she was going to taunt me… I flattened my tongue, widening it considerably and stretching her folds apart, making her gasp. I gave her insides a long lick from a wide tongue and felt an influx of fluids as she came.

Her moaning increased in volume and depth until I could feel it resonating in my chest. Holy fuck, that actually feels… good!

And then I felt a sharp pain in the wing she had been caressing. I flinched and pulled back from her, but the leash didn’t give me enough slack to see what the fuck she just did to me. She was riding the last waves of her pleasure, and was finally able to speak coherently again. “Aww, did I hurt the little birdy?” I looked up at her face, my mouth still lightly dripping from her juices. She was looking down at me, smiling. “I know just how to make you feel all better!”

She stood, letting the leash hang loose, and moved behind me again. She put one of her paws on the center of my back, right between my wings. With a surprising show of strength, she pushed me onto the low bed, leaving my legs on the floor so I was bent over. I swear to whoever is listening, you do what I think you’re going to do, and your ass is grass. Spike can take a knife to the spleen before I’ll take anything up that hole.

I felt her straddle my back. Slowly, she began to unwind the desert clothes I was in, until most of my back was uncovered. “Prop your head up,” she ordered. I moved my arms to do that. Then she began to rub my wings.

Rubbing them a bit turned into rubbing them a lot. That turned into a full blown wing-rape, and before I knew it I was having to hold moans in. Why didn’t anyone tell me these wings were so sensitive?

“Stop hiding your pleasure,” she whispered in what I thought was a seductive tone. “I want to hear your music, my pretty little bird.” Fuck you, bitch. I couldn’t hold them in anymore, though, and let out a small moan.

I’m not good with moans of pleasure. It’s a good thing I was a different species, or she probably would have been concerned with my health.

As it was, she increased her efforts, saying, “I knew this had to be getting to you. I’ve dealt with wings like this in the past…”

When I felt like I was finally about to give in to the pleasure entirely, she stopped. I sighed, unable to tell if I was actually disappointed. She got off my back and used the leash to force me back up into a kneeling position. “Can’t let you get too excited,” she said. “You aren’t finished.”

She stood to my side and grabbed one of my wings. “Stretch out your wings again.” I did so, and noticed that the one she had grabbed was hitting some resistance. I heard her moan lightly and looked over to see what the fuck she was doing.

My wing was between her legs. I pushed it harder up and she answered with another little moan. I ruffled my feathers and she gasped. She began to grind against me, coating my feathers with her juices. Eww.

She did that for a while, sliding up and down my wing and coating the entire thing with a thin film of cat juices. She finally said, “You may lower your wings now.”

It was actually hard to do that… They seemed to want to keep themselves up. I forced them down with a measure of will.

“You feel it, don’t you?” she whispered with a smile. She used the leash to make me stand. “Drop ‘em,” she commanded, looking at the pants. I did. “I thought you’d be happy to see me…” she said, looking at my fully extended manhood. I didn’t want to, but… her moans were sexy as hell. She gently put one of her paws on it and traced it lightly. “Different from a cat’s, that’s for sure… No spikes.” She gripped it. “And much bigger.” She let it go. “On the bed.”

I looked at the bed. I looked back at her and fluttered my wings. She noticed and understood. “Deal with it,” she said with a smile, shoving me down.

I hit hard, smarting my wings rather fiercely. Before I could move, she was on me. And before I could notice that she was on me, I was in her. She growled deep in her throat. “Nice… tight… fit…” she whispered, adjusting slightly at each word. Holy fuck, she’s tight. When she was finally adjusted, she pulled my leash until I was closer up, removing some of the weight off my wings. “I have been… well trained, Navarone. I don’t expect you to keep up.” Her eyes narrowed. “But if I find you cum before you absolutely couldn’t hold it in any longer…” she pulled me as close as she could get and leaned down the rest of the way so our eyes were right next to each other, “…I’ll borrow some toys from Jocasta so I can teach you how a real tom pleases a molly.” What? She leaned down even further and kissed me deeply, pushing her tongue in my mouth and brooking no resistance from me. When she pulled back, she was wearing a tight smile. “I’m glad to know you can be so pliable. I’m sure your princess loves that as well.” Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the girls in this world? And why does everyone think I’m fucking Celestia?

She dropped the leash and I fell back, letting my arms catch me before my wings got caught in the bed again. Then she began to ride me. With her juices flowing as they were, she had no problem taking all of me in, even though I was apparently so much larger than the typical cat. The only sounds in our little tent were her deep moans and the thwapping sound of wet fur against wet skin.

I felt the pleasure build very quickly, but knew that if I came too soon I would very deeply regret it. I did my best to hold it in as long as I could, but she wasn’t lying when she said she was trained; she was squeezing me in just the right places at just the right times. I don’t know how she knew how to pleasure a human, but holy fuck, I wasn’t complaining.

I didn’t realize how much I was getting to her, though… Apparently she wasn’t quite used to someone with my apparent size. She was still going just fine, but was now lying across my chest. I looked in her face and saw either pain or pleasure, it was hard to tell. I was guessing pleasure, since she was still going just as happily as she began.

And her fur and body felt great against my bare chest. She was really, really soft, and squishy in all the places a human would be. I would have wrapped my arms around her if she hadn’t already told me to not use my hands. Or if I wasn’t holding myself up. Or if she wasn’t technically raping me.

Either way, with her lying across me, every motion she made brushed her clit against me, giving her even more pleasure. She actually came before me, and her contractions caused me to finally lose it. When she started, I felt her arms go to my back. Oh, how cu—HOLY SHIT!

I arched my back, pressing myself further against her. I felt and heard blood dripping onto the bed behind me. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH! I tried to push her off of me, but her claws were actually dug into my back now.

When she rode out the wave of pleasure, she pulled herself gently off my chest and looked up at me, her claws still in my back. I was looking at her with horror, my eyes wide. She smiled. “You’re mine now, my little birdy. And I know just how to take care of you… And if you don’t give me what I want, when I want,” she said, her eyes narrowing, “I think I know just how to take it.” She pulled one of her paws off of my back and brought it up to her face. It was covered in blood. She smiled and took a little lick. “This is just the beginning,” she promised me.

Oh shit…

The next night began her… lessons. Over the nights, she taught me how to properly go down on a chick, how to hit all the right spots in every thrust, how to last as long as possible, how to make the girl beg, and more. It was informative, but each night ended with more scars in my back, less sleep for me, and another rape. I quickly learned to dread nights.

The lesson she taught me that she didn’t want me to learn was how to be silent. After the fifth night she didn’t get a peep from me until she scratched me at the night’s end. I couldn’t resist her or fight back for fear of retribution, but by God I could make her lose by not singing for her.

One week. Every night. I have no idea how much blood I lost. After the third day, I tried postponing my visits with Spike until the night to try to get her to go to sleep waiting for me, but she got Miguel to look after him and teach him things whenever I tried to visit him. I gave up on that tactic quickly, since it was my daily talks with Spike that kept me sane.

“You know, my little bird,” she was saying one night, “it would be so much easier if you just accepted this.” She ran a claw down my chest and onto my dick—not scratching anything, just making my skin tingle.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t, with my mouth gagged; I let off a scream one night when she went way too far and now she kept me gagged for these sessions—when my mouth wasn’t being used for something else, that is.

“Oh, I know, you give me whatever I want and I take what you’re not willing to part with,” she continued, “But you still aren’t fully mine.” She patted me gently on my cheek. The one on my face, I mean. “Don’t get me wrong, mind: Your body is what I really enjoy. But would it hurt you so much to put your all into it? To really start looking forward to it?”

Fuck you and fuck your Stockholm syndrome.

She sighed and casually swiped her claws across my face, drawing blood. Another noticeable scar. It can join those on my soul. “I’m starting to think you don’t enjoy this!”

(Sex is over)

After that one week mark, I was beyond tired, completely exhausted. In the day, I walked. When we stopped, I was forced to fuck. And usually after that, I had to do a mission of some kind. So I was running off almost no sleep, little food, little water, and a lot of blood loss.

I snapped.

When I entered the tent, Kat was waiting for me, as usual. That same smile I had grown so familiar with was on her face. The tent flap closed behind me as I stepped inside, neither of us realizing what was about to happen.

“Mm, are you ready for our next little session?” she sensually asked, standing and holding up the collar.

In my weariness, in my weakness—or perhaps my strength—I casually said, “Nah.”

The smile on her face deepened. “It sure would be a shame if something were to happen to your dragon friend, wouldn’t it?”

“Fuck him. I’m going to bed.”

“Oh? So you don’t care if we… hurt him?” she asked, stepping closer.

“I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m in pain. I’m not doing this tonight.”

She chuckled, taking one more step up to me, reaching a paw out to my chest.

My right hand shot out and wrapped around her throat before her paw was even halfway there. Both of her eyes jerked open wide as I squeezed and lifted her off the floor. “I’ve been thinking,” I said, walking closer to the cot, her body dangling off the ground in front of me. Grunts were coming out of her mouth, like she was trying to say something. “I’m a lot bigger than you. A lot stronger than you. And you know, you absolutely require Equestria’s help if you want to survive. Hurting either me or Spike… Well, let’s just say that would be a bad idea.”

She was over the bed at this point. I leaned back slightly and then suddenly forced my arm and upper body down, slamming her into the bed on her back. As soon as she touched down, both of her paws went to my arm, trying to scratch me. I barely even felt it, since I was so high off adrenaline, starvation, and sleep deprivation. But either way, I lifted a leg up and put my knee on her stomach, immediately increasing the pressure until her arms pulled away. When they did, my knee lifted.

“So you don’t really have anything on me. After all, you can’t hurt either of us without some extreme consequences. But you know what? Equestria doesn’t need you. And you know what’s funny? The whole camp knows we’ve been fucking.” My other hand reached down and tore her pants down. If it was even possible, her eyes went even wider. “So I could do whatever I wanted to you right now. If you told anyone it was rape, who would believe you? After all, you came back night after night… And why would I take what’s freely given? What you’ve bragged about? So what do you think?” As I asked that, I loosened my grip around her throat.

“P-please!” she hoarsely whispered.

“Oh? You want me to?” I asked. "‘Please fuck me hard, you big strong human’?”

“N-n-no!”

“And why shouldn’t I?” I hissed, tightening my grip and leaning in close to her face, my eyes narrowing. “After all you’ve done to me, who would ever say this isn’t fair?” I loosened my grip again, letting her speak, but she had no words to say. “You’re very lucky in one regard, Kat. I. Am not. You.” With that statement, I sharply stood, dragging her up again. Then I threw her aside, away from me. “If you so much as look at me funny again, don’t expect any guards to get here quickly enough to save you,” I growled, glaring at her.

She was still too terrified to look at me at all, at this point. All she could do was huddle on the sandy ground, curled into a ball and gently clutching at her throat. She might have been crying, but I didn’t care one way or another.

“I’m going to bed,” I finally said after a few seconds of glaring at her. She still didn’t make a sound or barely move a muscle as I fell onto the cot, clothes and all.

Things changed a little after that. Kat never so much as looked at me. The other cot that went missing from our tent before reappeared and she slept on it instead. I still had to do missions, but I wasn’t getting abused anymore.

Things continued reasonably well, though extremely slowly, for the next week. At least we were still heading northeast, even if we were liberating slave camps left and right.

Seriously, we were pushing two thousand by the time we actually saw the Suez Canal. And the funny thing, at least if you have no sense of humor: The Suez Canal isn’t even the fucking border of Egypt and the Middle East. We still had, like, a hundred miles to go.

But, as I was assured by virtually everyone, the going would be easier once we passed the canal. And our doing so would be good for the morale of every slave left on our side: We would be the first group to successfully force the canal. Emphasis on successfully.

Of course, it wasn’t as easy as just fording the thing. No, these cats had to be difficult about it. I offered to fly across a few ropes or something to create a rope bridge, but noooo, they wanted the morale boost of taking one of the bridges themselves.

I very seriously almost told them to fuck off, consequences be damned. And if it was just me there, I would have. But with Spike involved… I was rather pissed at Celestia for telling him to come along.

Speaking of Spike, he was having a blast. These cat people did respect dragons, apparently, but not enough to fail to use him as a bargaining chip to attempt to keep me in line. He didn’t see what my problem was with the whole thing.

“Stop worrying, Navarone! We’ve made it this far. What more could they throw at us?” That was worrying me as well, actually. They hadn’t really done anything against us. Sure, we lost a few fighters when we attacked camps, but there hadn’t been any big attacks against us. Just sorties from the occasional patrol.

That made me think they were planning something big, probably when most of our fighters were away dealing with the bridge. They could hit our camp, kill the defenseless weak, and be gone before our fighters even knew there was a problem.

And when I broached the subject to Jocasta, she told me not to worry about it, that it was taken care of.

Oh, and for anyone wondering: I was right. We were starving. And we were mostly dehydrated. It had taken us damn near a month to get to the fucking Suez Canal. After the first two weeks, Celestia didn’t even bother asking for progress reports anymore.

We were almost completely out of food, almost out of water—the canal water was not good to drink without some preparation—and we were all tired. I actually passed out once, near the end of the journey. I woke up being dragged by a few of the warriors I had helped in the past.

The plan for the attack on the bridge called for a two-pronged assault on both sides, the attack on our side led by Rock and the attack on the other side led by me, with some hand picked fighters renowned for their skills with daggers.

Basically, my job was to keep the bridge down. It could be lowered or raised from one side or the other, and we had to secure the control rooms for both, while the rest of the group attacked and led most of the guards away.

When we held one side, we were supposed to signal another group of fighters, who were supposed to dash in from the enemy’s side dressed as enemy reinforcements and hold the bridge. We could tell them apart from the enemy troops by a headband. I predicted a few friendly fire casualties, but not many. Another group of assassins were spread out across the city with orders to kill guards if possible when the fighting started, and if not possible, at least delay them from reaching contested zones.

At the time, we had upwards of seven hundred fighting-fit soldiers. Fifty were to be ‘enemy’ reinforcements. Twenty were to be my assassins. One hundred were to guard the camp. I don’t know how many general murderers there were. The rest were a part of the big fight.

My group went into the crowded city at midnight, when most people were asleep. Some scaled the walls, some went in through the gates, some hid in carts or wagons. Miguel and I did a short flying jump over the gates. Our goal was the tavern of a friendly ex-slave. We weren’t going to actually meet there, but rather, each was to leave a mark on the door that showed that he had been there, and then get into position to wait for the signal.

Why, you ask? Because I watch movies. Everyone has a price. No reason to risk betrayal.

Miguel and I were watching the tavern from across the street. Just two cats that were tired and wanted to rest but had no money, one with his face covered and the other glaring enough at anyone else that none bothered us.

When the last mark was placed on time, we moved out, sticking together. Everyone here had a buddy, just in case, and everyone had a different objective. Their markings showed that they were all clear and on the move, ready to move on the signal.

At 2:15 AM, Miguel and I successfully scaled a bell tower, and waited for sunrise. When we predicted it was time, we forced the mechanism to turn, ringing the bells before they were due.

As some people scratched their heads, confused as to what was going on, nine different groups of assassins killed all the guards covering the bridge on our side of the Canal. I don’t know a definite count, but I was betting it was about forty guards.

No alarm was raised.

There were still guards in the city, but none were covering our side of the bridge. It was currently down, since there was no reason to raise it.

Miguel and I glided down the tower, keeping mostly out of sight. From start to finish, that phase took five minutes.

On the other side of the Canal, around five hundred fighters were now attacking the town, roaring battle cries. Another group of assassins were supposed to take out the gate keepers so the gates would stay open, but I didn’t know at the time how that fight was going.

We still had half a bridge to take, and we couldn’t dedicate all of our men to attacking it. We were able to wave our ‘enemy’ reinforcements forward, to take the spots of the sentries that we had killed. Their disguises wouldn’t survive a close examination, but it was enough to fool a quick look.

I took most of my assassins across the bridge. This side was going to be messier; the guards would be on an alert of sorts due to the city being attacked, but they still wouldn’t be expecting us. And we wouldn’t have time to plan a massive signal. Basically, it was kill silently if you could, and if you couldn’t, then just kill.

My men were good, though. Only one short alarm was called, and it was dealt with by a quick fake out, pretending to be the guard when asked what was happening. Lazy, unprofessional bastards. And thank God for it, too. My assassins were to hold this side of the bridge, while the other side was to be raised so as to prevent any real enemy reinforcements to get across for as long as possible.

We predicted a total of seven hundred and fifty guards in the city, and we killed about eighty or so at the bridge. The murderers that were at work throughout the city were also building up an impressive count.

I couldn’t afford to leave the bridge, or I would have reported to Rock that we held it. That and I honestly didn’t care anymore. The camp should be moving into the city now, though; part of the plan had them follow the fighters in and grab what food and water they could while heading in basically a straight line behind the main mass of fighters.

Of course, city fighting is a bitch. Especially in a city like this: Mazelike, unplanned, with hidey holes and whatnot all over the damn place. We would probably lose some people just from them getting lost, and we couldn’t afford to wait for them on the other side; once we got moving, we had to stay moving.

I checked behind me, and the other side was still up. I nodded to myself and sent Miguel off for a message to Rock: “Bridge is secure. No casualties. Hurry but take your time.”

Then I sent another assassin team with the same message, because Miguel was going to be too busy killing to deliver it. It was set to be a good day.

Four hours later, I was proven wrong.

There was a large, large mass of soldiers outside the walls on the east side. Enemy soldiers.

We held the town. There were no guards left alive that weren’t disarmed. Most of the citizens were locked in their houses. Most of our people were locked in a circle right behind the east walls, where arrows couldn’t hit them.

Rock had been injured in the battle. I had no idea where Kat was; she had been in one of the wandering murder teams for the main battle. Jocasta was on her way up the wall when the enemy soldiers held up a parley flag.

One of our troops asked if we wanted to raise the gates. Jocasta said yes and I said hell no.

“Let’s just fucking fly down there. We don’t want them rushing the gates.” She couldn’t deny the logic in that, so off we went. Just the two of us. In the middle of a no-man’s land. Right in front of a mass of at least fifteen hundred enemy troops.

Yeah, that good day went really shitty really quickly.

The enemy general was a pompous looking little twit. His demand was basically our immediate surrender, yada yada.

We presented a counter-argument. “We own this city now, but we don’t really want it that much. We’d much prefer to keep going east. If you march your men north and leave us be, we’ll just keep going east.” It was a nice argument, with a hint of a threat and an easy solution for both sides.

Sadly, he didn’t make it easy. “That would mean my head. I’m sorry, but I cannot let you leave.”

“What if a foreign power got involved?” I asked.

“Yes, I’ve heard tales of you, pony-lover. Tell me, why should we care what the Equestrians think of us?”

“Because Celestia wants this group of slaves alive and in her borders. And she has a large army a few hundred miles that way,” with a point east, “that she can magically teleport here in the blink of an eye.”

“If she knew I’m here—which I don’t believe she does—what proof do I have that she can do as you ask?”

“She’s the eternal queen of more than half the planet. You know that unicorns can teleport, because it happened when ponies were banned from leaving. Well, as it turns out, Celestia is rather displeased at that ban. And she’s more powerful than any unicorn in existence. Even if she just teleports herself in, do you really think she would hesitate to deal with your little army?”

“And what proof do you even have that you’re one of her agents? I’ve heard talk that you are nothing more than an upstart mercenary that betrayed his first job to the rebels, and then forged a tale of lies that you were an agent of the crown.”

“The fact that I’ve made it this far. What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ could lead so many sneak attacks on your slave camps so successfully? What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ helps lead a group of slaves out of desert when it would be more profitable to sell them off? What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ takes over a fucking town with the help of an army?”

He harrumphed. “I will consult my officers. You will have one hour to do the same.” With that, he turned on his heel and strode off. We flew back up to the wall.

“I need Spike, right now,” I told Jocasta.

“Why?”

“Because I wasn’t lying about getting Celestia here. It has reached the point where I think we need a bit of intervention. In an hour I’m guessing his answer will be flying at us in the form of a rock from a catapult.”

She led me to Spike.

Writing quickly, I explained the situation to Celestia and asked her for assistance.

Her reply was brief: “Get airborne.” I immediately took off.

Not a minute later, Celestia appeared, flying next to me. I could not explain the relief I felt upon seeing her. If we weren’t both in the air I would have broken all decorum and wrapped my grubby arms about her.

“We’ll talk later,” is what she said. “Take me to this general.”

We landed to grab an awestruck Jocasta, then took off again. We settled in the no-man’s land and waited.

I feel like it would have been a beautiful picture, if there had been a camera around. A lightly clothed cat woman standing with claws fully bared, glaring hate at an approaching army. A winged human cradling a dusty, cocked crossbow in his arms, covered in desert rags from the neck down, wind shifting his long, greasy hair in the wind. A sheathed sword was on his back and a covered quiver of bolts was on his hips. Daggers and knives lined his body. And between them stood a majestic alicorn, taller than both her honor guards, practically radiating the sunlight she was named after. Behind us, a massive, smoking desert city, walls of light clay and manned by a ragged slave army nervously fingering weapons. Before us, a massive army, rank upon rank of well-trained desert fighters just waiting for the order to charge. It was three against fifteen hundred. I felt good about those odds.

“So… what do we do if they charge?” Jocasta asked.

“We cover the princess until she’s in no danger. Then we fucking bail.”

Jocasta snorted. “You can guard the back of your precious princess. If they charge, I’m running.”

Princess Celestia didn’t say anything.

The wait wasn’t long. The enemy general abandoned his officers and came sprinting to us. When he reached us, he took a look at Celestia, rubbed his eyes, and looked again, still speechless and gaping. She was just smiling sadly.

Without a word, she lowered her horn and touched him lightly with it. He went rigid with shock, and his army started shouting and readying weapons. But then he relaxed and waved them down. She had just completely refreshed him, to prove that she was real.

He nodded slowly, saying, “We’ll be gone in an hour.”

And they were, too. It was quite a sight. I heard later that the general was commissioning a statue there that detailed that moment. It was pretty much the turning point in the entire ‘war’, for what little it’s worth.

Our group of slaves was free to leave and the army was no longer enforcing any slave laws. It was a military coup of the most interesting kind: A relatively peaceful one.

Eventually, of course, the general we left went back and reentered the town, restoring order. He didn’t stop there, though; he went farther, to Catro itself, and ousted the terrible government that was in place. I heard he finally confronted and killed the king in front of the Sphinx, which ever after became known as the symbol of freedom for Egypt.

All Celestia had to do was show up at the right moment, and all we had to do was build that right moment up.

Relations are still somewhat strained between them and Equestria, but my month of hell was over. With the coast clear, Jocasta let me and Spike leave, so Celestia took us with her. There were no words to describe my relief.

A little tidbit from your Master Discord

While Celestia, Jocasta, and Navarone were staring down the enemy general, Miguel was huffing and puffing, spitting out blood. He had just taken down an entire squad of guards and received a spear through the lungs for his trouble. The guard that cast the spear lay dead at Miguel’s feet.

Slowly, Miguel started to slouch. Blades fell from nerveless fingers. Their clattering to the cobblestones was the only sound on the deserted street, wet with blood. He started to collapse.

I caught him and picked him up, then brought us through time and space, bringing him to my safe haven in the forest. “Just enough to keep him alive for a few more minutes, Trixie,” I whispered into her mind.

Without a word, she poured a haunting mix of true magic and bastardized spells into the cat. His body convulsed in shock at the unprofessional healing, forcing his eyes open.

Before he could say anything, I poured light into the room. Just enough so that he could see me and Trixie. “Miguel,” I said, “you are a murderer. A sociopath. A monster.”

He smiled. “I may be a monster, but at least I’m not a freak,” he answered, looking at me.

I answered his smile with my own. “I may be a freak, but I am a freak with power. I can give you life. I can let you live forever. I can let you kill forever. There is, of course, a price.”

“I know of prices,” he said, coughing lightly. “I’ve paid plenty. I’ve ducked out of paying more.”

“There is nowhere you can run to hide from my eyes,” I said. “But I don’t think you will mind my price, since it also involves killing.”

“I’m listening,” he hoarsely answered.

“In time, I will call for you. I will have need of your services. When I call, you will answer and you will do as I say. In return for doing as I say, I will save your life now and I will give you an ageless life.”

“How do I know you can keep your promise?” he asked, rightfully so.

I put a finger to his forehead and showed him what his future could be. And then I showed him what his future will be if he didn’t do as I commanded.

He slowly nodded upon seeing both. “Once a slave, always a slave,” he said in a whisper. “I am yours, freak.”

I snapped my fingers, healing him completely and sending him back to his miserable little city.

“He would happily betray me,” I mused aloud, stretching.

Trixie looked at me with concern. “Then why would you trust him? Why would you give him anything?”

I rubbed her head affectionately. “Because, my dear, he will give me what I need first. After that, his use will be expended.” I turned and began to walk further into the sanctum with Trixie at my heels. I knew what she was thinking before she asked it.

“And me? What will I be to you when I am no longer needed?”

A footrest, perhaps? I did have a few ideas of what to do with Trixie when she stopped being useful. “I will always have need of a steward,” I answered. “And there are always functions a loyal mare can do for someone like myself.” If there’s a Lord Discord, why not have a Lady Discord? Of course, I had absolutely no interest in things of that nature, but if she wanted to think that, why not?

I knew she was beaming at me. “I will do anything you ask, master! Anything!”

“I know, Trixie,” I said, running an eagle talon down her throat without turning to face her. No real interest, but… if nothing else, I might get bored.

Eternity is a long time, after all.

Chapter Seventeen—Coming down from the high of war

Chapter Seventeen—Coming down from the high of war

Celestia teleported me and Spike to a city that was called Ramla. The main population of that place was apparently sheep. I honestly wanted to make a joke about that, but I couldn’t find it in me. I just wanted to get healed and get some undisturbed sleep. And then some food.

When we arrived, it was to some manner of bedroom. We were the only ones there at the time.

“Do you want me to take care of those scars on your face?” Celestia sweetly asked before I could do much looking around.

I gave her a dead look. “There’s a lot more wrong with me than my face, Celestia,” I answered.

She raised an eyebrow and kept her smile. “Did you get a few scratches playing with your cat friend?” she asked. “I’m sure Luna woul—What are you doing?” I was taking my shirt off.

She gasped in horror. Spike echoed it.

My entire back was a mass of scars, some of which might have been leaking blood. There was a brand on my chest. I had a tattoo on one shoulder. There was more that I don’t want to talk about.

“Whenever you’re done staring,” I said. It all hurt. A lot. There were times I had to be dragged behind some of the slaves because I just couldn’t move. I still haven’t figured out how I was able to do so many raids. I like to think it was for Spike; I figured if I didn’t help he would be hurt. It’s one thing to not let Kat rape me. It’s another thing to tell Jocasta no.

Celestia stopped gaping and rushed to my side. Her horn glowed a beautiful gold and gave me sweet release from the pain. She backed away from me with a confused look on her face.

Before she could say anything I pulled out my dagger. “Get ready to heal me some more,” I warned. “I’m not leaving this filthy thing on my skin.” I put the dagger to the tattoo, but Celestia stopped me with magic.

“We have a better way of dealing with that,” she said, her voice strained. “We’ll do it later. What happened to you?”

I looked down at Spike, who was still staring at my body in horror. I looked back up to Celestia. “I fell down some stairs. We’ll never speak of this again.”

“Nav, stairs don’t do that to a pony!” Spike finally spoke up. “I knew you were hurt from your raids, but I never knew it was that bad!”

I looked at him. “I think you remember the agreement we made to never speak of this again,” I said. “Stop it.” He blinked. I turned back to Celestia. “I need a bed.”

She looked like she was about to cry. “I didn’t know they were torturing you, Nav…” she whispered. She saw my face harden and she sighed. “Take this bed. There was going to be a feast of sorts to welcome you back, but I think you need this more. Spike, come with me.”

He gulped and gave me one last look before hesitantly following her out. I was in bed before they got out the door and asleep before they were a few steps away.

I woke up from what I later learned was nearly twenty hours of sleep. Being healed takes a lot out of someone, and my previous sleep deprivation, dehydration, blood loss, and hunger did a serious number on me as well.

Needless to say, I woke up feeling terrible. More so when I found I went to bed with all of my weapons on me, so I had a dagger jabbed in my side the entire time. And I was also terrified, given that I had no idea where the hell I was. A quick look around showed me I was safe, thankfully. The room was well-furnished, a few steps down from what I would call opulent. I saw a heavily curtained window, but I didn’t feel like checking it out.

Of course, given that I had just spent over a month living in a tent, all that it took for a room to be nice was a bed and no crazy cat lady doing terrifying things to me. I achingly got to my feet, pulled the knife away from my stomach so it didn’t hit the spot where it had been all night, and began to stretch. With my body limbered and a little less sore, I looked around and quickly found a bathroom. There, I took the most glorious shower I had ever had, though a lot of the water ended up in my mouth instead of on my body. I was still thirsty as hell, after all.

When I got as much of the dirt, grime, shame, and blood off of me as I could, I got out. I didn’t have any change of clothes since I was in a large hurry to get away from the cats, so it was with much disappointment that I put on the nasty pants that took me through the deserts. I didn’t bother with a shirt; no one here but Spike, Celestia, and Twilight knew that I even wore one.

Then I looked down and noticed my unwanted tattoo and put the shirt on.

I settled on the bed with a sigh. Some of what Kat did to me… I would probably never mentally recover from some of it. Some of what I was forced to do I would also probably not recover from. But such is life, I suppose.

I was enjoying the shade from being inside and the sensation of not moving for what was probably an hour when there was a gentle knocking at my door. I pushed myself out of bed and answered it, finding myself face-to-air with a small sheep. I suppose for her it was face-to-stomach. “Yes?” I whispered, my voice a bit unused to speaking. I coughed and tried again, sounding much louder.

The sheep jumped when I coughed. “The princess sent me here to see if you needed anything,” she answered, eyes downcast.

“Food and clothes. And something to drink. I haven’t eaten much of anything in days and this is the only pair of clothing I have. After that, I’ll need a way to remove a tattoo.” I didn’t expect clothing and the tattoo removal any time soon, honestly. If it meant getting food, I didn’t care. I could feel a hole gnawing its way through my stomach.

Fifteen minutes later, I was wondering why I even fucking bothered getting out of bed. I looked down at the plate of flowers. Then up at the sheep. Then back down. “I can’t eat this,” I finally said, looking up again. “Where are the kitchens? I’ll just go loot them instead.”

She smiled shee—No, I’m not going to resort to puns. She smiled nervously. “They’re quite good, I can assure you.”

I sighed and rubbed my temple. “My biology makes eating flowers bad for me. If I ate these, I would be sick and could possibly die. I forgot that this would be a problem, since I’ve been living among carnivores for so long.” She blanched at that, but I kept going, “I need to get to the kitchens so I can get something I can eat.”

She still didn’t look that happy. “The princess wanted you to stay here for a little while longer…”

I pulled out my knife. “I can eat sheep, if you’re interested in me staying here.”

She led me to the kitchen at a pace that was somewhat hard to keep up with. I saw quite a few ponies around, but most of them were guards. A few of them nodded to me.

When I got to the kitchen, I promptly looted the shit out of it. By which I mean I showed up, scared the staff on accident, and poked around until they asked me what I wanted. I grabbed some stuff and was thrown out the kitchen into a small cafeteria, where I was the only one there. Leftover stew—vegetable, sadly—bread, a few apples… I didn’t feel that great when I finished, but by God I wasn’t hungry anymore. Thankfully, the cafeteria I was shown to didn’t make me wash my own dishes, so I just found the little sheep staring at me fearfully from the door and had her lead me back.

“I’m not really going to eat you,” I said on the way. She flinched. “And I can’t read minds either.” She flinched again. “I don’t eat things that can talk, and I would never be the only one eating meat among a large group of herbivores.” That didn’t seem to calm her down too much, but I also didn’t really care.

“The princess is going to kill me,” she finally moaned.

“You’re still worried about that? Jesus, just tell her—if she asks, that is—that I needed to tell the kitchen workers what I could eat. She’ll understand. And if she doesn’t ask, don’t volunteer the information; what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”

Thankfully, we got back to my room before anything more was said. When we did, she said, “The princess wishes to invite you to dinner, guest. The meal will begin in eight hours, I believe.” She checked a clock in my room and nodded smartly, regaining some of her composure. “If there is anything you require, I—” She gulped. “—I am to be your liaison.”

“Anything?” I asked, my voice drooping to what I was taught was seductive.

She gulped again.

I bent down closer to her, close enough that I was able to smell her light strawberry shampoo. “I need,” I whispered… And then stood up straight and continued in a regular voice, “Clothes and a way to remove a tattoo. And then I have a few questions.”

She let out a small sigh and said with a bit of a frown, “I don’t know where I can get clothing your size, but tattoo removal shouldn’t be that hard. There’s a court unicorn in the palace that claims to know you. I bet she could do it.”

“It has been a while since I saw Twilight… But no, she doesn’t need to know of this. Don’t mention it to her; it can wait. If you know of either a good tailor or a place I could wash the clothing I have. Either would do. I refuse to go near Celestia again with clothing this dirty; I may be irreverent, but I am not suicidal.”

Her eyes lit up a bit. “I can drop your clothes off at the palace laundry room. They should be done fairly quickly.”

I looked down at her. She looked up at me, smiling to finally be able to do something useful—or to get away from me for a while.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, going to the bathroom. I wasn’t about to strip in front of her. I took all my clothing off, removed all the hidden weapons, tied a massive pony towel around my waist, draped another around my shoulders so the tattoo would be hidden, and walked back out. I found her staring at me with the same happy expression. “You’re way too chipper,” I said as I gave her the clothes.

“The princess sent me here personally to help you!” she beamed. And she was bipolar. Maybe she just really wanted to get out of here. Or maybe no one here ever flirted with her.

I didn’t care either way. “Bring them back when they’re cleaned. I can get more clothing later.”

She didn’t move. “Can I… see your tattoo?” she asked.

I looked at her. “How old are you?” I finally asked.

She wasn’t expecting that question. “Uh… old enough?”

I snorted. “No one’s old enough to see this. Even Celestia was horrified. Go on. I’ll need you to show me how to get to Twilight when you get back with those cleaned.”

“I could do that on the way, you know,” she said, still not moving.

I turned my back to her. “See you in an hour or so,” I said as I moved to the bed. I heard the door open and shut as I went to the bed. I plopped back down, grateful to be alone in silence once again.

An hour later, I was on my way to Twilight’s lab. The sheep had calmed down and was now neither happy nor scared. I was beginning to think she really was bipolar. Thankfully, she didn’t put up a fight to take me to Twilight; I think she talked to Celestia or something.

Apparently, Twilight’s room was clear across the palace, because it took us nearly ten minutes of walking to get there. We passed several large windows on the way, giving me a nice look at the city. It was a pretty cool place, and I saw herbivores of all races walking its streets. There was a coastline off in the distance.

When we got to Twilight’s room, I sent the servant chick on her way. I found that Twilight had a pretty nice pad, much nicer than the room I was given. Not that I was really complaining, of course; I was happy to have a room at all.

“About time you woke up,” Twilight said when she saw me walk in. She pointed a hoof at a morose looking Spike and said, “He’s been whining for hours. I don’t know what you did to him in that month and a half you spent playing in the desert, but you need to bring him back to his senses.”

My hands balled into fists at her wording. Spike was glaring at her and I probably was too. “Playing?” I whispered. She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Tell that to the cats I killed—and the cats I saved,” I said louder. She flinched. “Spike, let’s go. We’ll be back before the feast, Twilight.”

“Where are you going?” she demanded. I looked at her as Spike came to my side.

“Out,” I answered.

We turned to go. “Out where?” she asked.

“To do guy things,” I said as I opened the door. She sniffed but didn’t stop us. I was hoping this meeting would be a lot happier, but if she was going to be like that… So be it.

We were a few feet down the hall when Spike asked, “So where are we going, anyway?”

“Fuck if I know. I woke up a few hours ago and haven’t gone anywhere but my room and the kitchens. If you’ve found anywhere nice and peaceful to sit and talk, we can go there.”

I saw him shrugging out of the corner of my eye. “When I left you, the princess took me to the throne room, where we talked about… some things. Ever since then, I’ve been with Twilight.”

“Then let’s just head to my room.” I started retracing the steps to get there. “Why does Twilight think you’re sulking?” I looked down and noticed him having a bit of a hard time keeping up. I picked him up and gave him a piggy-back ride.

He sighed and leaned over onto my head. “There’s no meat here,” he finally said. “And no gems,” he hastily tacked on. “I had to eat vegetable stew last night! After so long of eating meat, it was…” I felt him shiver slightly. “Not that great.”

It might have been near starvation talking, but I thought it was pretty good. “We’re back in herbivore territory, Spike. We’re not going to get anywhere by eating meat in front of them. Maybe when we get back home I’ll teach you how to hunt.” He perked up a bit at that. “I think my crossbow might have a bit too much of a kick for you to use, but it’ll still do you good to learn.”

We talked a bit about hunting on the way to my room. The walk between the two rooms seems to take much less time when you’re actually talking to a friend. We made it there quickly enough. Thankfully, nothing had been disturbed. I set Spike down and we sat in silence for a moment.

“Nav, about…” He stopped, looking at me. I saw his eyes flick to where he knew I was tattooed. He sighed and shook his head. “What happened?”

“Kat happened,” I answered. “And that is all you need to know. I never want you to ask about it and I never want to hear you bring it up again.” He didn’t look that pleased with the answer, but it was all he was going to get. I started searching the room, since I hadn’t actually looked around before. “Look around, see if you can find anything worth noting,” I said.

He shook his head, but did so. “So what are we looking for?” he finally asked.

“Money. Food. Anything, really. I don’t know if Celestia prepped these rooms for me or not, but if there’s money here I’m planning on going into town and finding a tailor.”

“And what if the money we find wasn’t meant for you?” he asked.

I scoffed. “What are they going to do, send me back to Egypt? Flog me? Brand me?” I sniffed. “There’s not much they can do to me that hasn’t been done.”

He looked at me with a bit of concern before turning back to the search. With a grunt he hefted a small bag and pulled the strings. “I found a few bits,” he said, tossing the bag up lightly. I held my hand out and he tossed the bag to me.

I checked it. “Should be enough,” I said with a small nod. “Now, about Twilight,” I started, only to be stopped by a knock at the door.

“Navarone, are you in there?” I heard Celestia’s voice ring out.

I turned to Spike and put a finger to my lips. I didn’t want to talk to Celestia just yet, because I knew what she would want to talk about. I quietly walked to my window and peeled the curtain back. I smiled at what I saw: My room was facing away from the palace and we were on the second or third floor. I eagerly wrenched the windows open, thanking whoever was listening to my wordless pleas that the hinges were silent. I motioned to Spike, who came over to me with a questioning look.

I put the bag in a pocket and picked Spike up without a word. I heard a knock again and without a thought I defenestrated myself, letting my wings unfurl.

“Why are we running from the princess?” Spike finally asked when we were a few feet out the window.

“We’re not,” I answered. “We’re flying from her. And I consider it more of a tactical retreat than a case of ‘running away.’ I simply don’t wish to talk to her right now, and opening the door would require doing so.”

“That sounds an awful lot like running away, Nav,” he said doubtfully.

I smiled. “It’s all about perspective. Honestly, I’m surprised she even took the time to come see me. Kind of makes me feel bad about this, but then I remember that I just did the most painful thing in my life for her. Least she can do is wait a few damn hours.”

“Well when you put it that way… It still makes you seem kind of like a jerk.”

We were pretty low to the ground now, and getting close to what I considered a decent landing point, but I still had time to say, “A fall from this height might not kill you, but that just means it’ll hurt longer.” He just shook his head. It’s good that he didn’t keep going, since I had no intention of dropping him.

I landed with a practiced ease and set Spike down. We were in a large square in the city proper, and there was quite a large group of sheep staring at us in what was probably fear. Take me to your leader! Wait, I’m running from her… I sighed inwardly. Things are never as easy as they are in the movies.

I looked down at Spike who was looking at the sheep with what looked like hunger in his eyes. “Spike, how long has it been since you ate?” I asked.

He blinked and looked away from the sheep. “Uh… Last night, probably. I didn’t feel up to eating breakfast…”

I stuck my hand in my pocket and fingered the bag of coins. Enough to get food, if nothing else. “Let’s find a bazaar or something and get you some food, then. I’m not going to have you…” I looked at the crowd that was still staring at us in fear. I decided against saying what I was going to say. “Let’s go.”

“Can we find some meat?” he asked, hunger evident in his voice. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see everyone in the audience flinch.

“Dammit, Spike…” I grabbed him and put him over my shoulder. “Watch my back. If one of them tries to come at me, let me know.” So I got a bit paranoid in Egypt. I’m okay with that.

You know, I kind of forgot there was a whole starvation thing going on. I passed several stalls with withered fruit and all wanted more than I was willing to pay. We were looking for nearly an hour when I leaned against a side wall, Spike at my side.

“Celestia is going to starve me back to the castle, like it or not,” I wearily said. I actually didn’t have a problem with that. She was usually fun to talk to, and living in the royal seat of power has all manner of benefits. But I liked having options if I needed to get somewhere else. Still, living near the coast gave me options. “If it comes down to it, I’ll teach you how to fish,” I finally said. Spike didn’t say anything. He was too busy watching the crowds of passing sheep with hunger in his eyes.

The sheep were relatively used to us now, but many of them still stopped and stared until they noticed that Spike was staring back with a terrifying expression. He might be a baby dragon, but he was still a predator, and his time with the cats gave him a taste for meat. When I looked into his eyes now, I saw more of a dangerous glint in them. It looked less like he was going to talk to someone and more like he was going to hunt them down and make them a little snack.

I was so proud.

Now because that seems perhaps cruel, let me put this in perspective for you. Spike is a motherfucking dragon. A. Dragon. The kings of the mythology of my world. And he is working as a servant for a unicorn. A unicorn is the living embodiment of purity in my world. They only appear for virgins and ha-ha laugh it up at my first pony encounter all you want, it’s fucking true. So a dragon out of legends born of blood and fire is a servant to a symbol of weakness and purity. That just seems fucked up to me.

Don’t get me wrong: I think it’s cool that he’s friends with all of the ponies, but it still doesn’t seem right that he’s Twilight’s assistant. Maybe I’m just biased from my legends and myths, though; he certainly seemed happy enough, back then.

I shook myself. “Spike, we aren’t going to find any affordable food. Let’s go find a tailor.”

He looked at one young ram. “I don’t know, Nav. I see plenty of easy food out there.”

I looked at him in disgust. “If you talk about eating something that can talk one more time, I’m going to tell Twilight. It’s one thing to eat animals that aren’t sapient, but when you start eating things that think, there’s a problem.”

He looked up to me in shock. “How do you know what we were eating in Egypt wasn’t… that word you used?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t kill it and I would have starved if I didn’t eat it. I would never willingly kill and eat something that is smart enough to communicate with me. Ignorance, however, is bliss. Now let’s stop talking about this before one of these damn sheep calls the guards.” He sighed as I put him back on my back. “Now you know how I’ve felt all this time,” I said as a means of consolation. He didn’t answer.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find a tailor willing to accommodate me. I talked to most of the damn tailors in the city, too. The most frequent answer I heard was a gentle no. A few of them let their eyes flick to Spike before saying no. I tried leaving him outside once to see if the result was different, and it wasn’t.

So four hours later, we began making our way back to the castle.

“What was the point of that, Nav?” Spike asked as we trudged our way up the stairs of an inn, a sheep shaking in fear leading the way ahead of us.

“It got us away from Twilight and Celestia for a few hours,” I sadly answered.

“You never did say why you were avoiding her.”

I didn’t know which ‘her’ he meant. “I don’t want to talk to Celestia and Twilight was being a bitch.” I think Spike smiled at that, but he was behind me so I couldn’t tell.

The sheep turned to look at me. “Y-y-you know the p-p-p-princess?” he squeaked.

“Yeah, we both do,” I answered. “She’s my boss and she’s his boss’s boss. Pretty nice lady, for the most part.”

I thought the sheep was terrified before. Now he was barely able to stand.

Thankfully, we quickly reached the door leading to the roof. The sheep did everything he could but shove us out to get us outside, and he slammed the door behind us. I looked out over the city and sighed. “This world sucks, Spike,” I finally said.

He snorted. “Better than the one you left behind,” he answered. That was a lot more sagely than anything I would have expected from him.

I didn’t have an answer, so I just picked him up and jumped off the roof, letting my wings carry us back to the palace.

Thankfully, my window was still open. It was a lot easier to jump out of than it was to land in, but I managed it with a liberal dose of cursing and climbing. There was a note on my pillow. I set Spike down and checked it.

‘I’m letting you get away with this because of what you went through. If you ever do it again, I will not let you get two meters before bringing you back—and if you don’t have a good excuse, you better be kneeling. Meet me in the throne room when you are ready to stop sulking – C’

About what I expected, all things considered. I showed it to Spike. He read it quickly and shrugged. “Are you really surprised?” he asked.

“Nope. I’m just glad I’m too useful to her to be punished too severely.” I paused for a moment. “I wonder why she’s in the throne room. Isn’t she supposed to be fixing the weather or something?”

Spike shrugged. “Twilight told me that today is an off day. She was in one of her moods because Princess Celestia refuses to let her work on this day of the week. The sheep believe it has some special significance or something.”

Well, we are in Israel. Lamb of God and all that.

“You won’t hear me complaining,” I said. “Do you think I’m ready to stop sulking? I feel like sulking some more, but I don’t know if Celestia would really let me.”

He rolled his eyes and pointed at the door. I gave a small sigh and snapped my fingers in disappointment.

“Well, she didn’t say I couldn’t bring an arbitrator,” I said. “And I have no idea where the throne room is. You want to sit in on a meeting between Celestia and the foreign ambassador of the humans?”

“Not really,” he sighed. “But I also don’t feel like going back to Twilight.”

I pulled out one of my coins. “Heads for Twilight, tai—Wait.” I looked at the coin. One side had the sun and the other side had the moon. “For fuck’s sake! Sun for Celestia, moon for Twilight.” I flipped it and let it fly for a moment before snatching it out of the air. He watched it with his purple eyes. “Now, when it was in the air which side did you want it to land on?”

He blinked. “The sun,” he finally said. I opened my hand to see the moon facing up.

I smiled down at him. “That’s how you tell what you really want to do. And now that you know the trick, I can tell you that it only works until you know it. Lead the way,” I finished with a wave of my arm.

He took the lead, shaking his head in confusion. It didn’t take us long to get there, and we passed increasing numbers of guards and servants on the way. When we got to the entrance to the throne room, I expected to be patted down for weapons. I was kind of surprised when they let us right in. Then I remembered that this was Celestia. She was pretty much the sun goddess and an incredibly powerful mage. Sure, a knife can cut her down… but good luck using it on her.

Spike and I walked down the long carpet leading up to Celestia, sitting in her throne and attended by a mix of sheep and ponies. When we got to within the appropriate distance expected of a visitor of royalty, we stopped. Spike stood at my side, looking around. I stood at a general at-ease position, looking at Celestia’s servants.

One of them, a sheep in what looked like dyed wool clothing, glared at me. “Are you not going to bow, creature?” she asked harshly. “This is your princess!”

I looked at Celestia to see if she would speak up. She seemed content to watch with that little smile she always wears. I looked back at the sheep. “I make no obeisance to any living thing, sheep. Celestia—” All the sheep in the room flinched when I said her name. “—has earned my respect, but I do not bow.”

The sheep I was speaking to gave me a look of hate for that, and I’m pretty sure if she was a guy she would have challenged me to some manner of duel. She opened her mouth again, but Celestia cut her off, “I don’t suppose you would think to ask why he doesn’t bow, would you?”

The sheep changed what she was going to say and instead hissed out, “Why, creature?”

I smiled darkly. “Where I came from, we killed our kings and queens—and princes and princesses—when they decided they wanted more power than was appropriate. I’ve lived in a nation without a monarch all of my life. Royal blood sheds just as easily as commoner blood, so there’s no reason to respect it more. I respect Celestia for being wise and kind, but the title of princess means nothing to me.”

Most of the people in that room were quite shocked at that. I think the only ones that weren’t were me and Celestia. Even Spike was a little off-put—I don’t think he ever knew why I was so callous.

“Enough about me,” I said, waking everyone from their reverie of horror. “I believe I was called here for a reason.”

Celestia was still wearing her little smile. “I was going to do this in a more private area, but since you disappeared on me, I suppose we’ll have to do it here. Remove your shirt, Navarone,” she said.

The looks of horror moved to her now instead of me. I smirked and took it off. I knew she was trying to shame me, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of blushing. I looked at the guards. “Come now, soldiers: If she wanted to seduce me, she knows where I sleep. She just wishes to rid me of a nasty blight.”

They turned and saw the tattoo on me. Those that weren’t blushing before were now. This day was turning out to be very odd for them, it seemed. Celestia beckoned me closer and I came forward. She reached her horn out and gently pressed it on the area with the horrid thing. It slowly ripped out of my skin, the ink collecting around her horn. When it was all pulled out, she pushed the ink into a blob and pulled a bottle of ink over from a small writing table and let the ink flow into it. I backed away and put my shirt on.

“Painless, as I promised,” Celestia said.

“My method would have been faster,” I replied, stroking a hand over the handle of the dagger in my belt. “Still, a tattoo removal back where I came from would cost me quite a bit. Thank you.”

Her little smile deepened a bit. “No pony said this was to be free, Navarone,” she said. “You should know to ask for prices before receiving a service.”

I shrugged. “Whatever the price is, I’ve been through worse. Being brutally raped every night for a week at the hand of a very sadistic cat bitch gives a man perspective when it comes to high prices.”

She flinched slightly at the mention of that, and I knew I would hear words from Spike on that later. Celestia’s smile never wavered, though. “My price will not be that steep, I believe. Unless, of course, you consider dinner to be a terrifying ordeal.”

“Dinner would be nice,” I answered. “I know Spike, at least, has been hungry. Unless,” I said with a raised eyebrow and a smile of my own, “you meant this to be more of a private affair?”

“There will be others there, of course,” she said. Man, Celestia is really good at this—nothing I say trips her up! Though, she’s also had a few thousand years of experience. “If, however, you are interested in a more private meal, I’m sure something can be arranged…”

She almost tripped me up there. But… “I’m afraid I’ll have to decline, Celestia,” I said with a weary shake of my head. “I have someone waiting for me back home, and I fear she would be most displeased with me if she found I was cavorting with another—by choice, that is.” I think ‘displeased’ might be an understatement of what Luna would be if she found I was trying things with her sister.

Her smile dropped and her eyes narrowed. “Remember that the next time you stoop to flirting with the maids.”

I sniffed. “Sheep are uglier than ponies. I wasn’t flirting, I was asking for clothes. It’s hardly my fault if she had a flight of youthful naiveté and misconstrued it.” I think I insulted pretty much every female in the room with that statement. I was okay with that. Either way, I’m pretty sure Celestia knew what I did to the poor chick, even though I honestly don’t consider that flirting.

She was giving me the Princess Look. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was going to summon an executioner. “Don’t discuss your adventures with Twilight—or anypony else—until we have a talk in private, Navarone,” she finally said. “You are both dismissed.”

I nodded and turned to go. Spike followed me out of the throne room. “That went well,” I said as the doors shut behind us.

He looked up at me in fear. “Well?” he croaked. “You’re lucky she didn’t banish you!”

I wanted to ruffle his hair, but he didn’t have any. “I’m too useful to be banished,” I finally said. “I’ll manage it someday, but I think that for now she needs me.” The guards at the door didn’t look that happy about that statement, but I also didn’t care. We moved down the halls a ways and I asked, “Where to now?”

He sighed.

I said, “I know you don’t want to, but sooner or later you’re going to have to see her. You are still Twilight’s assistant, even if she is being annoying right now. After Celestia has her little talk with me, I’ll have a talk with Twilight and things might get better. Until then, though, you’re going to have to put up with her. If nothing else, I’ll be there as a buffer for you.”

“I don’t know, Nav…”

“Look, if I have to deal with Celestia breathing down my neck after the hell I went through for her, you can deal with Twilight being annoying after the ‘adventure’ you had.”

He turned and started down the hall. I followed. After a moment, he spoke up, “It’s not just that, Nav. She’s… Well, the only caretaker I’ve ever known, really. But she didn’t tell me so much about myself! I never even knew I could eat meat! I never knew the desert climate felt so good. I never knew being around warlike ponies would feel so natural. What else could she be hiding from me, Nav?”

“I don’t know, Spike. Hell, in my world, the dragons of legend are warlike and powerful, often raiding villages and the like for food and riches. They are usually considered evil, but there are some notable exceptions. And of course there are some noble dragons as well. We have all manner of stuff on them back where I come from. We also have plenty of legends on unicorns and pegasi, and I know most of it doesn’t fit, so take what I tell you of dragons with a grain of salt.”

He sighed again. “Maybe there are books back home that can tell me more.”

“Dude, maybe there are books here that can tell you more. You never know until you start searching.”

He looked up at me, hope in his eyes. “Can you help me look?”

“If I have time, yeah. I don’t know what Celestia is going to be having me doing. I’m sure Twilight would help you as well, if you told her why you were looking.”

He shook his head. “You think she’ll help me find information that she’s been hiding from me? If anything, she’ll go straight to the correct books, pretend to look through them, and then discard them while telling me they’re useless!”

“That’s assuming she’s actually hiding this from you and isn’t just ignorant. I mean, I can’t imagine too many ponies would be willing to try to interview a dragon. There might not be much information on you guys.”

“Maybe I’ll have to find out some other way… Still, it doesn’t hurt to look.”

We were silent for a moment. He hesitantly asked, “So what do your legends say about… girl dragons?”

“Mostly nothing,” I answered. “Or at least, nothing that I know of. A lot of stories have male dragons kidnapping princesses and the like, but the reason is usually because she’s considered beautiful and a treasure worth having, and the dragon covets her for that reason. A few legends have female dragons falling in love with male humans, but again the reasoning is rarely explained. In the few legends there are of them, females are often described as graceful and beautiful and very, very deadly. I don’t know anything else.”

The rest of the walk to Twilight’s room was in silence. When we got there, though… “Where have you two been?” Twilight demanded in an angry tone.

Spike and I looked at her. I turned to him. “Wait outside for a moment.” He left without a word. Twilight stared daggers at me. When the door clicked closed, I turned to her. “Are you in heat?”

Her eyes softened and she gave a bright red blush. “That’s personal!”

I nodded slowly. “That explains a lot.” It did, actually. I thought back over all the little episodes of insanity she went through often, and many of them coincided with what her estrus cycle probably was. I’ve noticed that estrus doesn’t seem to be synchronized for the ponies and is instead more like a human girl’s period, with a whole lot more horniness. “I think Spike will be staying with me for a few days while you deal with this. We just got back from some seriously trying times, and I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to be around a considerably more volatile you.”

She was still blushing heavily, but she whispered, “That might be… best.” At least she had an excuse for her bitchiness. I nodded and turned to go. “Nav, wait…” I turned back to her. It looked like she really wanted to say something, but after a moment she seemed to deflate. “Don’t tell anypony about this, please.”

“Don’t worry, Twilight. I know how to be discreet when I need to be. If anyone asks, just tell them Spike has been hanging around me for so long he wants to keep doing so.”

She gave a hesitant nod. “One more thing,” she said suddenly, as though just thinking of it. “Here’s your bag.” She used her magic to throw my bag of clothes from Equestria at me. I checked it. Most of the clothes I had brought were in there. They were all way, way too big on me now, but they were still better than wearing the same damn thing every day.

I nodded at her. “Thanks, Twilight.” She smiled. I turned and left the room. I found Spike looking around innocently. I knew he had been listening at the door. Still, I had to pretend. “You’re going to be staying with me for a few days,” I told him as I pulled the door shut behind me. “Just until we think you’re more acclimatized to things here.” We started walking back to my room.

He shrugged. “I’m okay with that. I’m more used to sleeping on a bed anyway, now.”

“If you’re going to be sleeping in that bed, it’ll be because I’m next to you. I’m not sleeping on the floor just so you can have the bed to yourself.”

“I know you’re used to sharing a bed anyway,” he said. My eyes shot down at him in surprise, which quickly turned to anger, which melted to ambivalence when I realized he didn’t mean anything by that. “I don’t know what happened to your other bed, but I know you ended up having to sleep next to Kat.” Well, that was sort of true; we didn’t do too much sleeping. He continued, “I just hope you don’t have too many more nightmares.” He shuddered slightly. “I heard you screaming, one night.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you’re innocent, Spike.”

He looked up at me as though remembering something. “Nav, what does… rape mean?”

I sighed. “Don’t worry about it. And don’t ask anyone else. Pretend you never even heard it.”

“Okay… So what was that on your shoulder?”

I unconsciously rubbed at the spot where the filthy thing was. “Just a bad memory, is all. Don’t worry about it either, and don’t tell anyone you saw it.”

“Nav, why are you hiding things from me?”

“You’ll feel bad if I tell you,” I cautioned.

“I’d rather feel bad than not know.”

“Because what was done to me was the worst crime possible for one living thing to commit against another, and you don’t need to know about that.” He stopped walking. I kept going.

After a moment he caught up. “And you’re just… okay with that?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“Nope. I’m pretty sure my mind is still in shock. After what I went through and the things I did, I’ll probably never have a comfortable night’s sleep again and there’s a decent chance I’ll have flashbacks forever.”

“Then why did you…” He stopped again, probably getting it. “This is all my fault!”

“Did I say that?” I asked, stopping and turning to him. He looked down, unable to meet my blank gaze. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Spike. It wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of those that used you. Never blame yourself for something you have no control over, and never blame someone else for something they have no control over.”

He still couldn’t look up.

“Now you know why I didn’t want to tell you,” I said. He didn’t move. I walked up to him, picked him up, put him over my shoulders, and continued the walk to my room.

Over the next few days, I got more clothes, Twilight’s estrus cycle slowly petered out, Spike stopped staying with me, and I didn’t see Celestia again.

I’m pretty sure Celestia sent messages out to all the tailors in the city to refuse me service, though I’m not certain why. My first guess was so that she could keep me dependent on her; after everything I went through, she wanted to make sure I knew I had nowhere else to go.

I threw that idea out, because Celestia isn’t a bitch and she has shown me mostly nothing but kindness. I know her mind is probably really cold and calculating, but for the most part, I believe she does what she does out of kindness.

My second idea was that she just didn’t want me to waste money. But since the only money I had was given to me by her… I threw that idea out, too.

The third idea was that she didn’t want me outside of the palace, in which case she pretty much fucked up big time, since Spike and I left often in those days.

I don’t really suppose it matters. Either way, I got more clothes and they were all free and relatively well-fitting, despite my shrunken frame. And since Celestia never came by to talk, I never got to ask her why. And that’s assuming she actually was the one that sent the message out, or if there was a message at all. It might all have been a figment of my paranoia.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the dinner went well. I was celebrated as some manner of Equestrian hero or something and the ‘true’ fight to save the area was officially begun. Namely, getting food and rain to the people that needed it. That wasn’t my problem or my field of expertise, but I knew I’d probably still end up busy because of it.

Don’t get me wrong: Celestia and Twilight hadn’t been idle in the month I was away. Twilight was doing all manner of research into crop productions and whatnot, who needed what and where and when and all that crap. Whenever she brought that up to me, I told her to either shut up or to change the topic. Celestia was apparently sending shitloads—well, Twilight told me the actual unit of measurement, but I didn’t think it was worth remembering—of magic into the atmosphere to summon enough water to send everywhere it was needed. I don’t know why they didn’t just use the ocean, but I don’t think this world has evaporation.

No, I don’t know how rain is created in places where there are no ponies. Look, even I realize that there are some things that just are never going to make sense to me. Laws of reality are more like suggestions around here. I mean, gravity? Fuck that, I’m a human with wings that can fly. No way that shit should work. Maybe one day I’ll just start saying ‘because magic.’

Anyway, they were doing all that while I was in Egypt. They finished their stuff around the time I was nearing the end of my labors. With the border secure, the way was clear to begin the true work.

A day after Spike left, I got a visit from Shining Armor. I was in my room trying to figure out a way to drown my memories without booze when he opened the door with no preamble and just stared at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked, tightly gripping the dagger I had been considering cu—well, that’s not important.

“Tell me about your… relationship… with my sister, human,” he demanded.

I gave him a dead look with my bloodshot eyes. “She’s a friend,” I said, giving him no emotion in my voice. That said, I dropped my gaze back down to the dagger, expecting him to leave.

“Is that all you see her as?” he asked, a bit of… concern, perhaps, in his voice.

I looked back up, surprised he was still there. “Yes. What did you think I saw her as? A… special somepony, I believe you people call it?” I snorted. “That would be a match made in hell.”

He shifted his stance a bit. “You live with her,” he commented.

“I have nowhere else to go and I like living in a library among books. She is a decent enough roommate, if occasionally demanding. I help as I can and stay out of the way when I can’t. We are friends and nothing more.” I looked back down to the knife.

“And if she wanted more?” he asked.

“I would find somewhere else to live,” I answered without looking back up.

“Look at me.” I looked up at him again. “Do you know why I am a captain of the royal guard?”

I shrugged. “You probably know how to kick ass the best. Or you’re smarter than the other rabble that is typically let into the guard. One or the other.”

“I can fight well, yes. But it was my magic that really got me the position.” Why do earth ponies even bother? Seriously, I’ve yet to see a single one other than the mayor of Ponyville in any manner of power. Even Applejack got showed up by Twilight in Applejack’s special talent—while Applejack can kick a tree and make apples rain down, Twilight can take an entire orchard of apples in one go in the same amount of time.

“Congratulations,” I drily answered. He growled lightly but before he could say anything, I continued, “I am not going to date your sister. I do not want to date your sister. I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.”

He sighed. “You really aren’t making this easy on me.” I blinked, and then it all became a clear to me. He was probably sent here by either Twilight or Celestia to try to befriend me.

“Who sent you?” I asked.

He gave a sheepish smile. “Twily—Er, Twilight. She thinks you’re in a bad mood or that you’re not telling her something or something like that. She sent me to find out what and why.”

“The what can’t be told. The why is that Celestia told me not to. Some things shouldn’t be heard by the ears of those that are still innocent—or any ears at all, really. And if she thinks I am in a bad mood, well, after what I went through, I think it might be a bit justified.” I stood, sheathed my dagger, and walked to the window. I put my hands on the sill, leaning and watching the city.

After a moment, he finally asked, “Well, what did you go through?”

“I’m not allowed to talk about it,” I answered without turning. “Nor do I particularly want to. There are a small number of people I would like to discuss it with. One of them is currently ignoring me. The others are… inaccessible.” I don’t think I ever missed my family as much as I did in that small period of time.

“As much as Twilight seems to like you, I think you can trust her,” he said.

“I can trust her, but this isn’t something to burden her with. Besides, as I said, I can’t tell her yet anyway.”

“You do know the princess holds court every day, right? You could talk to her any day.”

You’re not that smart, are you? “If she orders me to not talk about something, I do not think she would appreciate me talking about something in front of all of her guards and the courtiers that surround her. I believe it would be best to wait for her to come to me, so I know she is ready to discuss it.”

He was about to respond when my door slammed open. Before the sound finished reverberating across the room, one of my knives was already on its way to the person standing in the open door. It stopped an inch in front of Twilight’s nose, hanging in a pale blue aura. It dropped after a moment.

I turned back to the window. “Knock next time,” I said, leaning back to my original position.

“You… you almost killed her!” Shining Armor said, more than a little shocked.

“Reflex,” I answered, not looking at either of them. I did almost kill her, though. That was not a good thing.

“It’s… it’s alright, brother,” Twilight whispered.

“No, it’s not,” Shining Armor and I both said at the same time. I turned to them. “I am not used to being around ponies anymore,” I said. “Twilight, you are going to safe-guard my weapons until I am. I will not risk hurting any of you.” I pulled the knife off my belt and let it hit the floor. I pulled my shirt off and unbuckled the two belts of throwing knives I had on me and let them hit the floor as well. As an afterthought, I went over to one of the drawers in my room and pulled out another dagger and threw that on the little pile.

“Nav, this is… unnecessary. It was just one incident!” Twilight said.

“One incident that almost killed you, Twily!” Shining Armor answered.

“He’s right,” I said. “I should be safe here. I do not need these weapons, so I will not have them until I stop jumping at shadows.” And given what I was thinking about doing before Shining Armor walked in, I probably didn’t need them around for my own sake.

“In that case… Aren’t you forgetting one?”

I flinched slightly. With a sigh, I pulled the crossbow off the little sling I had on my bedpost for it and added it to the pile. “Just keep them all safe,” I said. “Those things took me through a lot, and I have a depressing feeling that I’ll need them again.”

“Don’t worry Nav. They’ll be fine.” There was a lull in the conversation as I walked back over to the window. “So what were you two talking about?”

“Oh, nothing,” Shining Armor answered. He was a terrible liar.

“We were discussing how you sent your brother to try to get me to talk about something I have been disallowed from discussing,” I said.

I heard a bit of nervous laughter from behind me, coming from two sources.

Twilight said, “It’s just… You seemed so upset the few times I’ve seen you since you got back. And since we haven’t been able to talk easily… I just want to know what’s wrong.”

I turned to face them again. “I understand,” I said. “And it is a noble cause. However, I ask that you stop. I am not supposed to discuss it. Celestia’s orders,” I finished with a shrug. If Celestia’s name didn’t get Twilight to stop, nothing would.

And it worked. Her face dropped a bit and turned slightly red. “I didn’t realize,” she stammered.

“Considering I almost just killed you, I think it’s fair that I tell you to stop worrying about it,” I said with another shrug.

She frowned slightly. “How did you react that quickly, though? Both of you, at that! The knife would have hit me before I even realized it, and you stopped it dead in its tracks!” That last was directed at her brother.

“As I said: reflex,” I answered. “It’s something I picked up in Egypt.”

“And I just saw you in danger and acted,” her brother said. I almost smiled at the imagery there. Death and life fighting over a soul, the moves to the dance they fight so deeply ingrained that they come naturally, quick as lightning.

Instead, I just said, “It’s amazing what people can do in times of stress. You’ll have to wait a while to test my reaction speeds, though; I think we might be busy for a while in the coming months.”

“We’ll have some off time, Nav! Princess Celestia isn’t so cruel as to make us work every day like that.”

“I don’t know what you do in your off days, Twilight, but I don’t do experiments on mine,” I said.

“He’s right, Twily. You need to lighten up. I thought you were getting better!”

She blushed lightly. “Always looking out for your little sister,” she said with a smile. I turned back to the window so they couldn’t see my facial expressions, or how close I came to crying when she said that. Seeing them together like that brought home some things I thought I had long ago dealt with. I’ll never see them again.

I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that shit right then. “I’ll be back when I’m back,” I said right before I jumped out the window. I run from my problems way too much. I flew up into the sky and found a nice sized cloud to lie on. There were more and more of them, what with all the magic Celestia was using to make them.

I sighed as I finally got to lie on my back again. It was a nice feeling. It’s a shame I had to ruin it by thinking.

It was a week after I got back that Celestia deigned to visit me again. I know I shouldn’t say it like that, because I know she’s a very busy lady, but still.

Anyway, I was chilling in the palace library, helping Spike go through all manner of books looking for anything about dragons. We were finding nothing. There was plenty of stuff about how dragons are mysterious and dangerous and whatnot, but nothing concrete.

Celestia walked in completely unannounced and stood watching us for some time. It took a while for us to notice her. I was back in the stacks, looking for anything related to dragons. It was a hellish search, given that there was practically no organizational system. Spike was up front, going through everything I had found for him.

I was walking back up front with a few more books for him. “I’m telling you man, this place is terrible.” I saw Celestia and kept walking to Spike, who was darting looks between me and her. “It has less organization than Twilight’s library before I got there. I got what I could, but I wouldn’t expect too much more, and I don’t think I’d expect much from what we have.”

“Does Twilight have you working on a special project?” Celestia asked with her little smile.

“Nope,” I answered.

She waited for more, but I wasn’t going to give her anything; if Twilight was hiding stuff from Spike, she was probably doing it because Celestia told her to. “I think we need to have a talk, Navarone,” Celestia finally said.

“What about?” I asked, wiping my dusty hands on my shorts.

“You’re too smart to play dumb,” she replied. “Come along. Let’s not bother Spike’s search.” She turned and I followed her out of the library. We walked in silence to my room.

When we got there, she stepped inside and looked around a bit. The room was pretty much immaculate, since I don’t tend to make messes or collect random crap. I walked over to the open window and leaned back against the windowsill, letting my wings taste the open air. If I had to, I could fall back and escape just long enough for her to magic me back.

Well, when I put it like that…

She was looking at me with her haunting eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me, Navarone? I could have helped you.”

“They screened my letters. Now please, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

Her gaze hardened. “I have never mentioned this before, but there is a spell that gives a unicorn complete access to another’s mind. You can either give me the answers to the questions I ask or I will force them from you.”

“If you use that spell on me, I. Will. Kill. You. I don’t care what repercussions it will have on this world. I don’t care if I don’t survive the act. You will cease to live if you ever do that to me. The same goes for anyone else that does it to me.”

“Then don’t make it necessary. What did she do to you?”

I went through the list. It was… painful to talk about. Painful to relive as I thought about it.

“How did you even survive?” she asked, horrified.

“They sometimes gave me painkillers. Sometimes they put something on my cuts. I still think I should be dead. And I also think my mind should be broken after what happened. Killing, rape, violence, all that fun stuff.” I shrugged. “Such is life.”

She shook her head. “No, Nav. That’s not life. That’s just terrible.” She sighed. “Don’t tell any of my little ponies what Kat did to you. You are free to tell them anything else you think they’re capable of hearing. If you ever need to talk, come to me and I will make time for you.”

I nodded slowly. “I might do that.” I was never planning on doing that. I know she was nice and all, but I still felt intimidated by the fact that she could crush my head like a grape without noticing.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, Nav,” she said. Great, and now she can read minds.

“I know,” is all I said.

She gave me a sad smile. “Then why are you?”

“Because you are dangerous and I know what you’re capable of.”

“But you also know I would never do any of it to you.”

“Unless you thought it was funny, I bet. Or if you thought it was necessary, like what you threatened to do to me a few minutes ago. You are unpredictable and I know what you are capable of, so I think it might be in my best interest to keep a healthy amount of fear.”

Her little smile returned. “But not enough fear to disrespect me in front of my servants and guards?”

“Consider that my way of testing the waters. Either way, I want to trust you, but you are making it somewhat hard. Your magic and your power both make it very hard for me to trust you, and your actions and words don’t help either.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I knew you feared magic, but is your fear of it so deep that it won’t allow you to trust somepony that has never made a move to harm you?”

“Yes. You have a power over me that I can’t do anything about. Even knowing that you might use it is bad enough for me. I don’t think you will unless I do something to deserve it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can.”

“Maybe one day you’ll learn,” she said, her voice rather morose. There was nothing I could say to that, not really. She left, going back to wherever she goes. After a little while of sitting and thinking, I went and rejoined Spike.

We didn’t find anything.

Of course, we weren’t quite able to go home yet; there was still the matter of food distribution and dealing with the drought. But that was boring as piss. Like, that was the most boring thing I have ever done in my life.

Basically, I went out with Twilight and a team of observers every few days to see the effects the rain Celestia was producing was having, if any.

We did that for six months. Not once was I actually needed to protect them. Sometimes I defused odd situations, but nothing worth writing down.

So six months later, we went back home. All in all, about eight months had passed since we left. We left for home in September, so I had been in Pony World for about two years. It took us a month after leaving to get back, due to a lot of stops for royal visits.

We definitely missed the Gala, which was instead hosted by Princess Luna. I heard she did reasonably well for herself. All of Twilight’s friends were invited and did attend, though they all reported when we got back that it was boring as hell.

Twilight, Spike, and I stopped a few days in Canterlot. I couldn’t avoid meeting Luna; after almost a year of being alone in the palace, she forged some contacts with the servants. Not a day after we returned, I had an invitation to meet with Princess Luna at my earliest convenience.

A royal invitation. That said ‘at my earliest convenience.’

I didn’t even change, just went in my desert clothes that I had gotten used to wearing; they were comfortable even in the chill of October, and they concealed my body well enough. Since I think over a year had passed since she was imprisoned, she was allowed to see me again.

With the invitation in hand, I had no trouble getting into the palace. Getting to Luna was just as easy, since she had a few servants looking out for me. Her guards refused to leave us alone, thankfully. Which was a good thing; I had no desire to be alone with her anymore.

When we first got together in a lounge-type room, it went well enough. She was polite but distant, as a princess should be. It was basically a debrief on some of my time in Africa and after. I won’t explain what I said, because it’s all detailed before. I didn’t lie, though I didn’t mention some things.

She was even nice enough to send for some minor refreshments. Servants brought in drinks and fruit and set them on the table. She was drinking some manner of juice or something and I had… a purple bubbling drink. What the fuck?

“Luna, what is this?” I asked, holding it up.

She looked at it. “Oh, that’s a special concoction I asked the staff to prepare for you. It’s an old brew that was popular with ponies back in my day. I never was a fan of it, but most of them were.”

“Why is it bubbling?”

She shrugged. “Something to do with the process of making it, I suppose. There’s magic involved.”

I looked closer at it. “Wait, are those… hearts?” A purple drink that had bubbling hearts. What the hell?

She nodded. “They are. Another odd property of the drink. It’s quite safe to drink.”

I looked at it for a bit longer, wondering what the fuck Luna had been smoking and where I could find some.

“Don’t you trust me?” she finally asked, batting her pretty cyan eyes at me.

I looked up at her for a moment and then back down to the drink. I’ve done stranger. With a shrug, I downed it…

...And immediately started coughing. I couldn’t help it; whatever was in that damn drink felt like it was trying to beat the shit out of my body from the inside. I ended up on my hands and knees on the floor, Luna looking on with concern.

When I couldn’t cough any more, the purple stuff shot out of my mouth and flowed back into the glass. Like, I was on the floor and the glass was on the table but it went from my mouth to the glass. I don’t know how.

When the last of it was out and the wretches subsided, I managed a sort of kneeling position. “At least we have similar tastes,” I croaked. She was looking at the glass of purple stuff in astonishment. I shifted my gaze that way and saw that the stuff was now inky black. The bubbles were spitting up oily skulls. Badass.

“That… wasn’t supposed to happen,” Luna whispered.

I pulled myself to my feet and sat down again. “What was supposed to happen?” I asked, my voice feeling a little bit better.

She blinked and turned to me, blushing. “It was supposed to taste good,” she answered. “I… I have never seen it do that before!”

I poked the glass. “So what is this stuff? Whatever it was before looked like a love potion or something. Now it looks like a hate potion.” Or poison.

Her horn glowed for a moment and a drop of the liquid jerked into the air. She looked it over. After a moment it slowly turned purple. It dropped back into the glass with a quiet sizzle as the entire glass turned purple again. She nodded with a smile. “It was aligned with hate,” she said. “But love conquers all.” She beamed at me and I put on a poker face smile in return. No wonder my body rejected it.

With the little snack done, she took me on a walk through the garden, which wasn’t that odd by itself. But she asked that I keep a hand on her at all times. I wasn’t wearing the head piece or the cape to my suit at the time, but I did have the gloves of it on. When she saw that, she asked me to take them off. I did, with a frown on my face.

The guards, too, were getting a bit concerned, but didn’t do anything. When I did as she asked, she smiled, and we continued our walk and our talk. She wanted more details about Africa, of course. More than, “I fought for a cause that I didn’t belong to. I killed, I murdered, and I saved. I did things I didn’t want to for people I didn’t like against a people I didn’t know. It was not the best time in my life, and it’s not particularly something I want to do again.”

She wanted gritty details. Numbers, tactics used, personal deeds and heroics, and all kinds of that shit. It sounded almost like she wanted to hear some of my stories so she could compare them against hers.

I didn’t have anything that I wanted to tell anyone. I personally watched a slave child get cut down by a guard as the child was running. I could have gotten in the way of the blow to save the child, but I was worth more alive than that child was, to both me and the movement. I could turn myself into a martyr, but I’d rather live long enough to be hated than to be remembered as a hero after an early death.

I didn’t tell her that story, though—more fool me, I suppose. I stuck to heroics done by other people, of which there were a few stories to tell. Miguel, as it happened, came upon a group of guards attacking some of our camp followers that strayed too far from the main group. Without pausing a second, he jumped into the mass of guards to buy our people time to escape. I think he was doing it because he was a murderous psychopath that took any excuse he could get to kill rather than to save lives, but the effect was the same. Either way, he was venerated as a hero for that.

And Rock… God, Rock was an absolute monster in that last attack, I heard. When the assassins failed to keep one of the gates open, he personally led a sortie against it, wielding a massive hammer. He dealt blow after blow to the iron-reinforced gates, and eventually somehow forced a hole into the gates large enough for his men to pass through to open it from the other side. After that, he systematically slaughtered over thirty-five enemy troops himself, and led a squad that killed over one hundred. He was wounded doing that, but didn’t let it slow him down until the fight in the city was over.

But all my attempts to pass any heroism off my back were met by gentle rebukes, calling me humble. I was tempted to tell her about the naga attack, but she probably would have found a good way to spin that, too. That actually tempted me to tell her even more, as I still couldn’t figure out a good way to spin that in my mind.

We were starting our second circuit around the garden. The guards were still watching us with a small amount of concern. I felt their horror. I had a bad feeling.

“Tell me,” she finally asked, “what is the most beautiful thing you’ve seen?”

Trap question. “The most beautiful location, you mean?”

A smile, followed by “Yes.”

“There was a cave I found when I was dealing with a group of naga… it was underground, a massive chamber, half full of water. It was the purest water you could ever find anywhere. In it, fish were chasing one another, some bioluminescent and some blind. On the ceiling were rows and rows of lit torches, each in patterns corresponding to the night sky. At the very bottom of the lake was the naga society. Hundreds of them, living silently underwater, without a care in the world.”

She smiled at that description, and said to me, “Close your eyes and don’t let go.” Uh oh.

What happened next, I can barely describe. I just… went weightless all of a sudden. Every movement felt exaggerated, like it was about to throw me off the ground. I knew where we were before she even said, “Open your eyes.”

She brought me to the motherfucking goddamn son of a bitch moon!

I croaked out, “How?”

“Magic. As long as you’re touching me you’ll be fine.” I was tempted to test that, but I didn’t. I felt… fine. No extra heat, no extra cold, I was able to breathe. The weightless problem was slowly sorting itself out, as Luna’s magic coursed itself through me.

And then I caught sight of the Earth.

I can’t describe it. I won’t even try.

After a few minutes of silent staring, I managed, “It’s… Why did you bring me here?”

“I thought it would be nice to show you for what you fought.” There wasn’t much to say to that, so I just hugged her.

And that’s all we did. She was a pony, I was a human. So get your mind out of the gutter.

“You know, Celestia is not going to be happy about this. And I’m pretty sure it violates the ‘no leaving Canterlot’ thing,” I finally told her.

“It was worth it,” was her response.

I want to say that nothing bad came from that, but Celestia was more than not happy. She was pretty much about as mad as I’ve ever seen her. At me and at Luna, though Luna didn’t get any of the wrath.

No, for some reason that was reserved for me. Because I should have taken the invitation directly to Celestia as soon as I got it, so she could be there when we met.

So instead of getting mad at the guards for not informing her, the servants for actually delivering the note, or Luna for actually being the one to take me away, I got yelled at for ten minutes. And here’s the kicker: She did it in that same fucking sitting room.

I didn’t even bother trying to defend myself. She didn’t want to hear it.

I was starting to think that Celestia needed a break.

Of course, when Twilight’s friends heard we were back on the continent, they were pretty much ecstatic. I imagined Pinkie Pie had a party planned out perfectly for when we got back. I was somewhat surprised they even waited for us to get to Ponyville; I was kind of expecting Rainbow Dash, if no one else, to come flying out to see us. Her, because she was the fastest one and could make it easily enough.

None did, though. I was okay with that; after that long away from home, we really wanted some time to sleep on a bed that, if not perfectly familiar, was at least not moving and not completely stifling.

We stayed in Canterlot for about three days, and finally returned to Ponyville in October.

Yeah, there was a party. It was—for one of Pinkie Pie’s parties—completely badass, though I was very, very disappointed in Applejack for letting it get that way.

Oh yeah. We got all of Ponyville completely and totally motherfucking trashed. It was hilarious. The mayor had to declare the following day a holiday because everyone was so hung over.

That alone almost made the Africa campaign worth it.

The next day was hell, so I’ll skip it. Still, shit was so cash.

The day after that, Twilight had to spend hours fixing magical mistakes some of the unicorns did when they got trashed. Nothing major, but one of the buildings turned into a Flintstone-esque place. We never did figure that one out; she just shook her head and fixed it.

It was good to be back, all things told.

Chapter Eighteen—More snake people.

Chapter Eighteen—More snake people.

Not long after we got back, we three travelers got kidnapped by Twilight’s main group of friends and forced to tell stories of our trip. Spike and I got the most attention, because Twilight didn’t have jack all to tell. As soon as she mentioned water growth tables, they all zoned her out and turned to us instead.

They seemed to enjoy our stories a lot more, but I made sure to water down the vast majority of what I said. After all, there was no reason to ruin any of the more innocent ponies. Luna was one thing, but I didn’t want to hurt any of these girls. Even then, though, one thing that I noticed quickly is that almost a year away changes people in little ways...

Around an hour after we started, Pinkie Pie pulled me and Fluttershy aside from the main group, using the excuse that we had dance business to talk of. The rest of the group was content to talk with Spike and Twilight at that point, so they let us go without much comment.

When she got us alone, she told us the news: “Remember that naga my dad adopted?” When we nodded, she continued, “Well, now he likes one of the native naga! That should be good news, but… the other naga don’t like it. The two of them hid at my dad’s. The other naga are gonna hurt them both if they leave… We didn’t know what to do, so my parents were hoping you could help! They’ve been stuck there for over a month.”

“I told him we should have just wasted that bastard…” I sighed, combing my fingers through my hair. “What do they want me to do?”

“I dunno. Just show up and do whatever you do! We know the naga like you, so maybe they’ll listen to you.”

“I just got home. How do you plan to explain this trip to the others? Don’t you think it’s time we told them?”

“I agree,” Fluttershy said. “We shouldn’t have ever kept this a secret from them at all.”

“You two know our friends... Rainbow Dash would immediately go to help them and just make a big mess. Rarity would think of all the drama and would rush off to watch. Applejack would be right behind Rainbow Dash, though probably for better reasons. Twilight might contact Celestia or she might actually try to talk it out. Either way, our friends… I just don’t think it would be a good idea to tell them.” Pinkie Pie was definitely, definitely more sane. “And besides, the naga don’t even respect ponies! Adding more ponies would only make it worse. I was actually thinking you could go alone, Nav.”

“You’d better have a decent reason for thinking no one would notice if I left.”

“Say it’s somepony from Egypt that wants to thank you for saving her!”

“Yes, but that isn’t very believable. I don’t actually want thanks for what I did.”

“Come on, Nav! What else do you want them to do? Just hide inside for the rest of forever?”

“Not that I don’t want to help, but… The last time I dealt with those naga, I ended up in Africa because of it. Celestia basically blackmailed me to force me to go.”

“I’m sure that’s not what Princess Celestia was doing, Navarone. Surely you’re mistaken,” Fluttershy assured me.

“I was there. You weren’t. I’ll do it, but I won’t promise any results, one way or another. Do you want this to end with the lovers winning or with the lovers losing?”

“Why would you even have to ask that?” Fluttershy asked, seeming shocked for some reason.

“Just making sure. Africa was… a trying time.”

Perhaps some of the pain I still carried showed through my face, because they both took me in their front legs in one of the warmest hugs I received in eight months. There’s a lot to be said for true friendship. Luna was nice to be around, and Kat was… no, but I felt better in that one moment than I had in a long time.

I waited for Pinkie Pie to send a letter off to her family, to ask them to send a letter to me detailing what they wanted me to do. When that letter arrived, I was able to pretend it was a request to meet me.

When it arrived—dropped off by Derpy Hooves—I left the next day. Convincing the others wasn’t that hard. Spike wanted to go, since he “helped me save the ponies, too!” I told him the letter asked for me, and that he was needed here with Twilight. Personally, I think he just wanted to go to try to find some more meat; Twilight had the poor guy back on a vegetarian/gem diet, and he wasn’t able to convince Fluttershy to give up any of her friends.

Rarity offered to give me the clothes of a conqueror, to fit my new… status. I declined.

I carried with me the dagger the naga gave me, my crossbow, some bolts, the fire starter, a new brown cloak, and some clothes. My other cloak had been used as bandages or a blanket or something by the cats. Either way, it was gone when I got my stuff back.

When I got to the rock farm, I realized the situation was about as bad as I was expecting: There were naga sentries posted about the building. The ponies were probably allowed in and out, but I was suspecting the two wayward naga would be killed if they laid a finger outside.

“You’ve returned!” said one of the sentries. “Are you here to finally join the naga?”

“Nah, sadly. I’m here on business.”

“You’re here to take care of this mess, then? I’m glad someone is doing it, and I’m doubly glad to see that someone is you. We were given orders not to enter this building, but surely you can go in there and kill that bastard and drag the harlot out here.”

“I wish I could, but I’ve been hired to mediate the situation and deal with it peacefully.”

“Bah! These ponies… Whenever there should be action, they demand words. How they ever took over this world is beyond me.”

“They have magic, that’s how. And a leader that doesn’t die.”

“Bah. Go in if you want, human. But don’t expect this to end peacefully.”

I went in.

My reception inside was just as warm. Pinkie Pie’s parents were happy to see me and because I was tired of thinking of them as ‘the mother’ or ‘the dad,’ I finally bothered asking their names. They were somewhat surprised I didn’t already know, but then the father muttered, “Pinkamena…” With that caveat out of the way, I was given their names: Sue and Clyde. Guess which was which.

“I’ve been told we have a Romeo and Juliet situation here,” I announced.

“You mean Poneo and Pirouette?” Sue asked.

“...Never mind. Where are our two errant lovers?”

“Before we let you see them, we have to know: Are you here with violent intents or with peace in your mind?” Clyde asked.

To answer that I took off my knife belt and hung it over Clyde and hung my crossbow over Sue. “I will hunt peace. If there is not a peaceful solution, I will leave.”

“You’ve changed,” Sue told me, smiling sadly.

“Africa taught me a lot of things. Not all of them were fun lessons.” With that, they took me to the two.

The two naga looked up from where they seemed to be… coiled. “I shouldn’t be surprised to see you, human, but even after all that has happened I am,” the male naga said. “Why would you come after doing so much to see me dead?”

“Everyone can change. Tell me, why should I help you?”

The female naga answered, “We are in love.”

“You are young, yet. How do you know this is love, and not just hormones? Or more likely, the instinct of rebellion enacted through giving in to lust with an enemy of your tribe?” Clyde and Sue gave me a pained look. The two lovers looked insulted. “I was young once.” Still am, but they don’t need to know that. “I yearned to rebel. Everyone does. Sometimes they have a good reason and sometimes they don’t. If what you two feel is true love and not just inflamed lust brought on by sticking it to the elders, I will try to help you.”

Sometimes, being the only one of your kind is useful. They can’t tell me I’m too young to speak wisdom if they have no clue how old I am. And it’s easier to make people see sense if you hide it as wisdom.

“And how could we even know such a thing? I feel what I think to be love. What other judge is there?”

“Yes, how else are we supposed to know, if not by listening to our feelings? We love each other. What more is there to it?”

I said, “I might not be the best person to ask, but Sue or Clyde can correct me if I’m wrong: Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life together? When you aren’t apart from each other, can you think of ways to fill the time other than sex or children?”

Clyde chimed in with, “Can you imagine letting her have your children?”

Sue sniffed, but added, “Can you imagine yourself getting so frustrated with each other that you just want to walk away and never come back, but instead stay and work through your problems?

I hit them with the last blow: “If what you’re feeling now ever wears off, can you imagine yourselves staying with each other?” I paused for a second and dredged through my memory, then quoted, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Say what you want about the Bible, but it has some good lines.

They slowly looked away, thinking.

I told them, “Go to different parts of the house. Stay apart for the rest of the day. Think about it.”

They looked at each other, then at Clyde and Sue. After nods from the two ponies, they slithered away to different parts of the house.

“What’s your game, Navarone?” Clyde asked.

“If I’m going to risk ruining my reputation with the naga for helping these two, I want it to be for a good reason.”

“What do we do while we wait?”

“You two stay up here and answer questions. Keep your daughters away from them, if you think they’ll try to encourage this. We can’t afford to let any nonsense get back into their heads while they’re thinking. I’m going to go find the leader of the naga if I can, and ask him some questions.”

“Don’t antagonize him overmuch, Navarone.”

“I don’t plan on it.” I grabbed my weapons just in case, though.

When I stepped outside the house, I asked the sentry, “Is it okay if I use the well entry?”

“Jerk the cord four times, then descend.” I assumed there was a code behind the number of jerks.

I did as he said. Instead of trying to climb down the rope, I just tucked my wings in as close as I could get them and jumped down the damn hole. When I got out of the little tunnel, I shot my wings out to slow my descent, and made my way to the far off shore. Once there, I asked someone if they could get a leader or something up there to talk with me.

I didn’t have to wait long. I suppose it wasn’t often that something jerked the cord four times and then falls into the damn hole. I was guessing that as soon as I started descending, a leader was informed and told to expect some manner of summons.

Either way, not a quarter of an hour later, the war leader from before and a smaller, hunched naga came out of the water. The war leader boomed a pleased greeting when he saw me. “Human! It has been almost a year since we last met! Tell me, friend, how are you?”

“I am well, though I fear I come for a request rather than for meeting.”

“Yes,” the older naga said. “We feared as much, when we were summoned. Tell me, human, what makes you think you can request anything from us?”

“That is no way to treat a guest!” the warlord accused him.

“He is only a guest as long as he is welcome. I am not so accepting of strangers as you.”

“If you truly must talk of such things,” I said, “I seem to recall I did you the favor of lighting your ceiling on fire a while ago.” The enemy camp was a job. That was a favor.

The warlord smiled. The old guy just snorted.

“Anyway, I want to know why you guys are so pissed at the naga and the maid he stole.”

The warlord answered, “Because it was as you say: He stole her. If he had asked for her, it would have been different. We would have met with him, determined if he was worthy of her, and then passed judgment one way or another.”

“But he is—or rather, was—part of an enemy clan. Would you not deny him out of rote for his position?”

“The girl was of a low class, and would have given no advantages to have married off. He would have had as good a chance of getting her as most males here would.”

“Is it too late for him to ask?”

“Yes,” hissed the hunched elder.

“No,” responded the young warrior.

“He disrespected our customs. He deserves his fate,” the older slowly said.

“He might be ignorant of our customs,” the warlord rebutted. “If what they feel is truly love, why should we deny them a chance to be together?”

“So you see our debate, human,” the hunched one said. “We have been arguing this off and on since this matter started. I say the male should be killed and the female should be striped bloody for running away with him.”

“But nothing can be done while they seek asylum in the property of a foreign state,” the warrior assured me. “Despite the wishes of some certain naga.”

“I don’t know why our ancestors allowed those ponies to settle there! We should have chased them away while we still had the chance. Now, we are forced to let criminals sit at peace right above our very heads!”

“What would change your mind and allow those two to go free?” I asked.

“If they dropped the love affair entirely, and the girl left him to come home, it would just go away.” the warrior said. “She would be stigmatized for a while, but it would go away in time. He might never be allowed to marry any of ours, but then he might well be allowed to.”

I snapped my fingers, thinking of something different. “And if they could choose exile unto some faraway isle?”

After a small internal debate, the hunched one said, “If they accept exile into pony lands—well away from here!—I will allow them to leave.”

I smiled. “Good. If there is nothing else, I should leave to take this news back.”

Before I could take off, though, the warrior stopped me. “Hold, human. I have heard tell from the ponies that you have been away for a while, in a place far across the sea. What manner of job was this that took you so far?”

“Bah!” the hunched one muttered before taking off into the water.

“We are better for seeing his tail,” the fighter sighed. “That old one is the most stubborn… But he is an elder, so his word must be respected.”

“To answer your question,” I said, “I have been in a land called Egypt, and then later in a place called the Middle East. In Egypt, I helped lead a revolution to bring in a power that is against slavery and is pro-Equestria.”

“So those ponies finally gave you a fun job!”

“Yes. And wouldn’t you know it, it was my time among your people that convinced them to do it.”

“Then I am glad you found us, human. I myself have been too long from a good fight. Our leaders prefer peace, and I can understand why, but my body aches for some manner of scrap. I trust you learned some skill in true fighting during your troubles?”

“Nah, I didn’t. Most of my fighting was close-in knife work, slitting throats to allow the real fighters easier access. And even then, a lot of my work was behind the scenes, either planning or linking up groups of fighters.” All technically true.

“Bah! Surely you have some manner of story to tell?”

“I helped rout an army of over fifteen hundred enemy troops with three people.”

“Now there is a tale for the legends! Tell me the names of your companions!”

“A cat woman named Jocasta and a pony named Celestia. Maybe you’ve heard of her.”

“You led the leader of all the ponies into battle? You truly are a monster, Navarone!” he said, laughing. “Either a monster or a master liar!”

“It wasn’t so much a battle as it was truly a rout. As soon as they saw Celestia, they fled. But I’d like to think I was scary enough to have a part in that, and if you had known Jocasta you would have understood more their desire to escape.”

“You keep some of the strangest company, Navarone. Do you have any real stories for me?”

I told him some. He loved hearing of our fight on the last day, the taking of the Suez Canal. I told him of our kill count the size of around five hundred, of Rock and his charge against the gatehouse, of Miguel and his gleeful slaughter, and of our tactics used in the battle itself. He wasn’t that impressed with our murderers, but understood their use.

He smiled, thinking of Rock: “I would love to meet this fellow. You say he is a cat?” I nodded. “I have never seen one of their kind before. I didn’t even know they existed. Tell me, how are their women?”

I told him some about Kat, but not the fact that it was all forced. “You sly dog,” he said. I wish…

When I had told him all I could think of, I bid him farewell and flew back up to the rope. I couldn’t have climbed it before since my arms were so leaden with the effort of holding onto the wall, but I figured I could probably make it up this time.

I was right.

It was getting close to night when I got back up. I figured the two naga I left up here would probably be thinking still, or have made up their minds to love each other no matter what.

Still, I did have two options for them now: Exile or give up this farce. Even if they did want to love each other, they could love each other just as easily somewhere else.

When I got in, I told Sue and Clyde the news. “Tell them if you want. If they find out death is off the table, they will not see as much romanticism in their affair. Now that they would no longer be martyrs of love, they might find they no longer feel interested in each other; after all, when ‘the rest of your life’ is measured in days, asking someone if they think they could stand being with someone that long doesn’t mean as much.” They agreed.

I haven’t mentioned them before, because they were annoying, relatively uneducated farm girls that still imagined they might one day be taken away by a prince, but there were two other female ponies here, sisters of Pinkie. I didn’t ask their names and I didn’t listen when they told me. If I had to guess, I’d say Inkie and Blinkie, just because I hate myself and this world agrees.

Anyway, they were very, very annoyed at my meddling in their live-action love story. I personally thought the entire matter was silly and should never have happened, but whatever.

And apparently the female naga was starting to think so as well. I heard some crying coming from the room Sue went to. I just shrugged at the two sisters and went upstairs.

I wasn’t in my room for an hour when the male naga came in. “Human—no, Navarone—your words… I regret to say it, but I think you’re right. I don’t think I actually do truly love her. The farmer has been telling me some things he and his wife have done together, and I just can’t imagine doing any of that with her. But after all this trouble, I don’t know how to tell her… After what she’s given up, and what she risks…”

“I can’t help you there, my friend. I have a similar problem. Except I have no choice in the matter. I suggest just telling her, but you should ask Sue and Clyde as well.”

“I can’t believe I caused so much trouble… Life is never easy.”

“And it just gets harder as you get older.”

“I doubt it can do much more to me. I will think on what you said, and I will tell her in the morning.”

He left and I did my best to sleep, fully expecting to be woken up in an hour by the female naga telling me she didn’t love the fellow and that I was right.

Yeah, that didn’t happen. Life isn’t a story, after all.

But when he did tell her, she wasn’t that sad. She felt the same way, but just didn’t feel the need to tell me.

I went to tell the sentry the news. He asked me to watch his post while he went to get the leader. “Bring the warlord, not the hunchback,” I advised him.

“Of course. We don’t want bloodshed any more than you do, not if it isn’t necessary.”

I thought that kind of ironic, considering he was going to get the warlord instead of the civilian.

I stood guard in the autumn chill while waiting for their leader to appear.

When he finally dragged himself out of the well, I greeted him. “I hear you found a peaceful solution, human. I am not completely disappointed by that. Can I talk to the two?”

“You can’t go in with weapons. I’m sorry, but I will take no chances.”

“An understandable and wise caution.” He handed his weapons to the naga sentry that followed him up. “Better?” I led the way in. The naga could barely fit into the door, he was so large.

“So you’re the naga that ordered the death of my clan,” the young one accused.

“Boy, I thought I taught you about how to treat guests in my house!” Clyde yelled.

The younger one at least had the grace to look abashed, but he didn’t apologize. The warrior said, “That’s okay, farmer. It’s true enough, anyway, and I feel no guilt over it. They were enemies, and they fought and lost. That is the end of it, as far as I’m concerned. We aren’t here to discuss that, I’ve been told. I’m here to bring a young female naga back, if she truly wants to come.”

She looked down and said, “I do.”

“Then let us depart, and not intrude on these ponies overlong.”

She paused, and said her goodbyes. She stopped in front of the young naga, and settled for shaking hands.

Crisis averted. The two sisters sighed, and did their best to make the rest of my stay completely uncomfortable. Thankfully, the rest of my stay was just the rest of that day and long enough to pack the following day.

That place was seriously depressing. Not once while I was there did I ever see the sun, and I think it was brighter in the naga cave than it was at their farm.

My parting words with the farmers were worth noting, I suppose: “I’m glad we were able to end that peacefully,” I said.

“Yes,” Sue sighed, “but it’s a shame the two didn’t truly love each other. It would have made for such a nice story…”

“Sometimes the best stories are those that we read, not those that happen to us. If they would have been miserable together after a few years, it is better they drifted apart,” Clyde told her.

“I’m somewhat hoping this is the last time I’ll have to deal with the naga,” I said. “I like them, but this is a long way to have to come just to settle a small problem.”

“I don’t know if I would consider this small, Navarone. After your trip in the Middle East, I might can understand why you would think it so, but most ponies don’t do as much in their lifetime as you’ve done in the past few years.”

“I’d be happy to trade. I was close to starving or dying of dehydration in Africa, and that’s not even counting all the cat people throwing weapons at me.”

“Some ponies beg for adventures, Nav. Back in my day, I used to hope for something, anything, to happen to get me away from these rocks,” Clyde said.

“Everyone wants an adventure. No one wants the hunger or the desperation that comes with it. Or the killing, or the fear, or the memories of things you were forced to do to survive.”

“There are a lot of ponies that would call you a hero,” Sue said.

“I could be considered a hero, if you overlooked the bad things I did, or the several things I did that were highly unheroic.”

“But you saved ponies. Is that not what a hero does?”

“A hero saves people. He doesn’t murder people to do it. He might kill them, yes, but he doesn’t slit their throats while their backs are turned, or break locks while someone else is distracting the guards, or plan food heists that will leave hundreds of innocents starving.”

“You are so hard on yourself. You did what you had to do. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” I answered with a weary shrug. “But I wish it hadn’t been necessary. I hope I will never be called upon to do anything like it again. I’m honestly starting to think this world is being destabilized by my presence, and that just by being here I’m spawning conflict.”

“That’s silly. These problems always existed. But most of them didn’t directly involve ponies. Eventually if you hadn’t acted we would have been freed from the naga one way or another. And if you hadn’t acted on the problems in the Middle East they would have been cleared up by Princess Celestia. Just because you are available to help solve problems does not mean they wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t there,” Clyde assured me.

“He’s right. I mean, you weren’t here when that Nightmare Moon lady was sent to the moon a thousand years ago, were you? You had nothing at all to do with that, and that was probably the biggest period of conflict in the entire history of Equestria,” Sue added. That they know of.

Basically true. At least my methods hadn’t ended up with any dead ponies, though not for lack of trying.

Not long after that, I left for Ponyville. It was a nice ride back. I got some odd looks from passengers that had never seen me before, but whatever; after so long, I was immune to such matters.

My homecoming was precisely what I expected: A debriefing from Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, who were relieved it was resolved peacefully but disappointed there wasn’t a new epic love story to add to the annals of history. All I got from Twilight was a ‘How was it?’ that was easily answered with ‘Eh, I don’t think I’ll answer any more letters like that.’

Chapter Nineteen—Affairs of the Heart

Chapter Nineteen—Affairs of the Heart

Not too long after getting back from dealing with the naga, I noticed a few changes in Spike. Namely, that his attitude had shifted. Our time away from the peaceful and loving land of the ponies changed him. Probably for the worse, if I had to guess.

I decided to have a chat with Twilight about that, since I really didn’t want Spike’s possible future with the ponies ruined by him turning aggressive. If there was anything I could do to change him back, I wanted to know about it.

I found her watering a small garden on a balcony on the second story of the tree. As I approached, I said, “Twilight, have you noticed any difference in Spike’s behavior?”

She sighed. “Yes, I have. His time in the east has not done well for him. He spent more time there among violent beings than at any other point in his life, and you were only able to see him once a day to provide some manner of counterbalance.” Some manner, indeed. I was one of the few people in that camp not itching to kill enemy soldiers. Even most of their children wanted to help in the slaughter.

“And I can’t imagine his forced diet change helped much either.”

“Neither I nor Celestia ever imagined there would be so many carnivorous peoples in Africa. I know the cat people can eat some manner of plants, but they seem to prefer meat or fish. I suppose it should come as no surprise that Spike ended up finally getting a taste of meat, though we all worked so long to keep it from happening.”

“And with that taste came growth.” He wasn’t nearly as tall as I was, yes, but he had grown around a foot since we left for Africa. “I’m surprised all it took for that was meat.”

“He would have grown slower if he hadn’t started eating that. But with that diet came more exercise and a warmer climate and more aggression in the air. Dragons are magical beings, and their growth depends on a lot of factors. Aggression is one of them; the more anger and hate in an area, the faster they’ll grow.”

“So where does that put us now? He went from here to Africa to here again, and now that he’s had a taste of meat that’s all he seems to want, unless he can find gemstones instead. I still get some supplies from Luna and what I can get when I hunt, but that isn’t nearly enough to feed someone for every meal. And I need that, too.”

“Well, Spike living with me never was a permanent thing. He is above all a dragon, and that means he won’t always be content as a helper, little more than a servant, even if he is serving in friendship rather than in bondage.”

“You have to admit, having a tame, fully grown dragon around would be absolutely kickass. I mean, if I could ride him and return home, I could easily convert half the world to thinking I was a god.”

“Yes, in your warlike world, it would be neat, but here it would just be a hindrance. Dragons are a lot bigger than ponies, as I’m sure you can imagine. Where would we get the food to keep him full? And where would he live?”

“I know it’s impractical, but man! I have this picture in my head now of me riding into Washington, DC astride a huge, majestic dragon, my wings fully outspread and a sword held high above my head, proclaiming that spot the new Mecca of the world, where I would rule humanity as a god emperor…”

“You have an overactive imagination. If you have any ideas of how to deal with the real situation we have, I’m open to suggestions.”

I sighed and shook the thought from my head. “At his current pony-driven growth rate, how long do we have until he is unsustainable?”

“Oh, at a pony driven rate, there’s no chance he’ll become a problem in my lifetime. Dragons live for thousands and thousands of years. I don’t even know the last time one actually died of old age. Their natural childhoods last over two hundred years, or at least their childhood how you or I would define it. But I imagine his time in the east cut anywhere from twenty to forty years off that, and that was just in eight months. If anything like that were to happen again, there’s no telling how much time we’ll lose, especially since he’s now open to the idea of such a thing instead of fighting it.”

“And you don’t think him being around me is perhaps accelerating his growth?”

“Not usually, no. You are violent occasionally, yes, but it is rarely an angry violence or an aggressive one. You are violent generally out of necessity, or at least when you think it is necessary. There is rarely any passion behind it. Trixie was just a competition. You did nothing but follow orders in Africa, and from all accounts I heard you hated most of what you had to do. You claim so often to be a terrible or violent person, but in all honesty, I think you might be one of the most moral ponies I’ve ever met, depending on how you look at it.”

I was tempted to point out the naga thing, but since Pinkie Pie didn’t want them to know I didn’t bother. “It’s kind of sad that you would think I’m better, morally, than any pony. Different, certainly, but I wouldn’t consider myself better than anyone in any way, other than being the best on this world at being human. And I might be one of the better liars.”

“You have a point, there. Though one of the best ways to lose a friend is to either lie or break their trust.”

“I’m well aware of that, yes. But this isn’t about me, as long as you’re saying Spike isn’t being negatively affected by me.”

“I didn’t say that. I said his growth wasn’t being affected by you. Some of his mental changes, though… You’re different, Nav. And you’re more open to the idea of violence, even if you rarely actually do much of it. Celestia knows he can probably smell the blood on you when you come back from a hunt… It’s hard to tell what effects you might be having on him.”

"Well, shit. What should we do?”

“Nothing, for now. Like it or not, you’re one of the only male figures in his life. To that end, he’s going to be getting some tendencies from you, no matter what happens. And we can see if his attitude will start returning to normal, now that he’s back home and away from most of the darkness we left behind.”

A little too far away from the Congo to be speaking of the Heart of Darkness. “Your call. If you wake up one day to find yourself missing a haunch and find Spike smacking his lips nearby, don’t come crying to me.”

“No, he’d probably go after Pinkie Pie instead—with all the sweets she eats, she would probably taste much better.”

“Speaking of people changing, Pinkie Pie has definitely gotten a lot saner since we left.”

“Maybe when she was talking to you, but as far as I could tell she was the same as she always was.”

“Maybe her insanity is just spreading over to me. Or maybe after so much time spent among the insane in Africa, I got better at automatically translating her garbage speak into English.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised at either. Notice any changes about the rest of them?”

“Fluttershy is more assertive and less cowardly, though I’m sure you noticed that. I haven’t spent much time with the others yet, not as individuals.”

“Fluttershy was never cowardly, she was just… well… okay, fair enough. I wonder what happened here that made them just change like that.”

“People change,” I answered with a shrug. “It happens. Spend eight months away, you shouldn’t come back expecting them to be the same.”

“I know… But at least we probably won’t be going away like that again for some time.”

“Thank God for that,” I said with a nod. I don’t know if I could survive another trip like that...

The rest of the day was spent chilling. It was pretty rad, after all the crap I had been through recently, to just rest and contemplate.

I take a lot of walks, if you haven’t realized that already. I have a lot of free time, since I don’t really have much of a job other than assisting Twilight and anyone else that asks me for help. I had proven my use as an agent of sorts, I suppose, so Celestia was more than happy to make sure I never really went hungry. I didn’t really like freeloading, but at the same time I knew without a cutie mark I wouldn’t really be accepted for anything more than odd jobs—which I did plenty of, if any of the ponies were ever brave enough to approach me about helping them.

Anyway, that’s a lot of buildup for saying I was walking in the park in late fall, thinking about something to do and trying to escape the cold through the labor of putting one foot in front of the other. I was bundled up in the warmest clothes friendship and repressed guilt can buy.

There was an early snowfall, brought in for an inane reason that only the weather ponies (led by Rainbow Dash, of course) could think of. Because of that, there are usually very few park goers or the like out enjoying it. I didn’t get much of a chance to enjoy snow as a child, so you can understand that when I first realized this place got snowy I was overjoyed.

Then I found out how much snow really, really sucks. It’s fun if it lands and sticks for a few days and goes away. It’s a lot less fun when it sticks for weeks and you have to constantly shovel it since your damn village doesn’t believe in using magic for anything like that.

But I digress yet again. I was walking through the snowy, cold park when I heard music in the distance. Sad, sad music. It sounded rather familiar, so I made my way to it. I crested a mound of snow that I recognized as a bench in warmer months and found Lyra sitting under her tree, playing a sad song she played the first time I met her. It looked like she had been crying.

I walked over and cleared a small space out on the ground and joined her. She didn’t look up until the last notes faded away. Normally when she sees me, she puts a smile on her face, but today she didn’t seem to be able to manage it. Honestly I don’t know if it’s me she liked or just my hands, but I’ve never brought it up.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She sighed and let her instrument drop back down to its case. “It’s… Bon-Bon,” she finally said. “I think she might love me so much more than I love her. I really care for her, but… I don’t know, Navarone. I think she might want marriage, but I’m not sure if I’m ready. I don’t know what to do…”

“I’m having a somewhat similar problem, Lyra,” I answered. “If you love her, though, you love her. That’s really all there is to it.”

“I know, but I don’t know if I love her! She’s always been there for me and it always seems like she’s doing so much more for me than I’m doing for her… It doesn’t seem fair, what she does for me. Especially when I give so little in return…”

“If she is still doing things for you then she’s obviously getting something in return just from the simple act of helping. Now tell me, what do you know of love?”

She blinked, not expecting that question. “It feels… good,” she said after a moment. “You never want to leave the pony you’re with. You hurt when they hurt. If things go sour, you care more about patching it up than you do about placing blame.” She gave a shuddering sigh.

I answered her sigh with one of my own as I yet again dredged that old quote up from memory, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Maybe I should make a list of good quotes from my world and keep it around for reference.

She nodded slowly. “That sounds like Bon-Bon. But I don’t know if it sounds like me.”

“I can’t help you there, my friend. I have seen you two together and I know you’re happy together, but beyond that, I don’t know. I have no idea what your home life is like. Though I also don’t know what a typical pony home life is like, so I guess that’s not really any different. The only advice I can give you is to not feel pressured into getting married before you’re ready because you feel like you owe Bon-Bon for being there for you. Down that road lies pain and resentment.”

“So what do you suggest I do?”

“I don’t really know,” I answered. “As I said, I have the same problem. I personally suggest talking to her. I know that it can’t be an easy subject, but it is usually better to have such things out in the open rather than leaving them to fester inside of you. You’ll have to make your own decision as to whether or not to do that, though. I know I would have a very, very hard time doing it, and would rather come to grips with it myself rather than risking their feelings by bringing it up. Even though I know that’s a bad idea, of course.”

She gave me a small smile at that. “Stubborn, Navarone?”

I shrugged. “I’m bad at taking advice. Either way, though, I hope you’ll do what will make you happy, because in the long run that’s what will make Bon-Bon happy. Oh, and don’t tell her any of this advice was mine unless it works out for the best; she seems like the clingy jealous type, and might try to hurt me if it goes sour for her in the short run.”

I got a full smile for that. “She always was jealous of you, Nav,” she admitted. “She doesn’t have fingers like you do.”

I held up my hand and slipped my glove off. “Why would she be jealous?” I asked, flexing my fingers. “Sure, having fingers makes me better than most ponies, but I’m sure she has some manner of redeeming qualities!” The way I said it made it obvious that it was a joke.

She giggled. “She’s jealous because of what you told me the first day we met. How having fingers makes things so easy to… stroke.” Oh. Ew. “She’s mad that she can’t touch me like you can.” Welp, this just got really uncomfortable.

“There’s a spell that turns humans into ponies and ponies into humans,” I said. She perked up immediately. “It’s incredibly hard to cast if you have a cutie mark, though.” She drooped a bit.

Only to perk up enough to ask, “Is Twilight strong enough to cast it?”

“I don’t think so. I think she’s strong enough to turn me into a pony, but I don’t think she can turn an adult pony into a human. Celestia or Luna could, but good luck convincing them to. And trust me when I say the change is so jarring that you would probably be too disoriented to enjoy it much.”

She rolled her eyes. “How bad could it be?”

I described the problems Twilight and I had adjusting to different bodies.

When I finished she shrugged. “I could get over it, if it meant having fingers… Especially if I still had magic!” Her horn glowed and I felt my hands go rigid. “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I played with yours again?” she asked.

“Just be careful,” I answered. “Don’t do anything with them that I wouldn’t do if I was controlling them.”

She gave a look of what I thought might have been disappointment before jerking me closer. She spun around and ran my fingers through her mane. Then my hands went to her back. And then they went to her flank.

“That’s far enough, Lyra,” I said before she could pull them anywhere else. She shuddered as my hands returned to my own control. I pulled them away from her and moved back to my patch of cleared grass.

When I got settled back down, I saw she was looking at me. “You said you didn’t know much about my home life,” she said. “So I don’t suppose you knew Bon-Bon is something of a voyeur?” I really didn’t like what she was implying.

“I didn’t know that,” I answered. “It seems odd to me that a jealous girl would be happy watching someone else have sex with you, though.”

“I thought the same thing when I found out,” she said. “We had a bit of a talk about it, though. It seems she gets off to the feeling of protection it instills in her.” That’s really creepy. And it might be a lie.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but if it comes down to it I’ll straight up tell her no. “That’s strange, but I suppose to each their own. I don’t really know why you feel like telling me that, though.”

She smiled. “Relax, Nav. You already made your point clear. I’m disappointed but I understand. That was just a warning on the off chance you run into me having sex in a public place and think I’m cheating on her because of the conversation we just had.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “I’ll remember that, then.” So there actually are reasonable women on this planet.

Her horn glowed as she picked up her instrument again. “I still don’t feel perfect about my… love life, but I do feel a bit better now. Would you care to hear me play some more?” I nodded, a smile back on my face. She began to caress the strings with her magic, the song she was playing a much happier contrast to the one I found her playing.

Chapter Twenty—I am not the love doctor

Chapter Twenty—I am not the love doctor

A few weeks later, I noticed that I was being followed by yet another pony. A brown stallion, this time. I did much the same thing I did with Lyra, to be positive he was following me. When I was sure, I just turned around, walked right up to him, and said, “Hello. Why are you following me?”

He gazed at me in fear for all of three seconds before trying to bolt. My hand shot out and grabbed his tail. Something weird that I’ve noticed is that if you grab their tail they get yanked back in pain. I don’t know why. Anywhere else would have probably yanked my arm out of the socket.

I pulled him back to me and held onto him until he stopped trying to run. I was getting a lot of looks from ponies around me, but none of them actually said anything. “I can stand here all day,” I told him.

He finally collapsed. I walked to the front of his body and knelt down. “My name is Navarone,” I said, holding out a hand. He hesitantly took it. I pulled him to his feet.

“D-d-doctor Whooves,” he answered. You’re kidding, right? His cutie mark was an hour glass. I immediately thought of Doctor Who when I saw this guy. Imagine that.

“So why are you following me?” I asked. “And why did you try to run?”

He sighed. “I… I wanted to ask you something.”

“Running away is not a good way to ask me something. And following me isn’t a good way to ask me something either. You ponies aren’t very smart sometimes.”

He blushed slightly at that. “I was… unsure… of talking to you. You are… well, big! And a hero! I didn’t know…”

I sighed. “I’m not a hero,” I said. “Just someone who was in the right place at the wrong time. What’s your question?”

“Well… You seem pretty close to some of the ponies here,” he said, shyness creeping back into his voice. Well, he’s not quite Doctor Who.

“Some of them, yes,” I said. “Now what’s your question?”

“And you seem to know Derpy Hooves,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Maybe he’s a Fluttershy clone?

“Yep, I helped drag her heavy ass out of the forest. What’s your question?”

“I… I want to meet her,” he whispered.

I stared at him. He lowered his eyes. I looked up. “DERPY!” I called, looking up at her, flying to her next delivery—she was a mail… mare, I guess. Mailmare. That makes sense, right?

She jerked her head down to me and flew into the side of a building with a disturbing crunch. Whooves flinched and tried to run but I grabbed his tail again. I looked at him as she slid down the building. “You free today at five?” I asked him, still looking at the mare.

When he finally stopped trying to run he turned to me with horror. After a loud gulp, he nodded.

Derpy finally picked herself off the ground from where she had slid down the building. She was, of course, completely unhurt. No, I don’t know how. These ponies, man, they’re made of fucking steel sometimes.

She trotted up to me with a massive smile on her face. “What do you need, Nav?” she asked, one of her eyes on me and the other on Whooves.

“Derpy, this is Doctor Whooves. He’s too nervous to ask, but he wants to take you on a date tonight.”

They both turned nearly luminescent with their blushes. Derpy recovered first and turned to him. “What… What time?” she whispered.

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. After a moment he closed it and looked to me. “Five,” I answered. “Sugarcube Corner okay?” I asked them both. They nodded, looking at each other.

“Congratulations, Doc,” I said. “You got a date.”

I turned to go but turned back after a moment to find them still staring at each other. “Derpy, don’t forget your mail,” I said, reminding her. She gasped and leapt into the air, hitting her head on a signpost that was above her.

I turned again, shaking my head.

“I’m okay!” she shouted as she took off again. I started walking away.

Only to find my new brown friend holding onto my legs. I tried pulling them away from him to no use. I sighed. “What, Doc?” I finally asked.

“How… how do I… date somepony?”

“I don’t know, Doc,” I answered. “I’ve never done it. Can you let go of me? I kind of want to get out of this town for a day.” I was tired of dealing with shit like this; my patience for tomfoolery was much shorter after Africa.

“But… But… I don’t know what to do!”

I sagged and couldn’t help but look up to the heavens. Why do I have to deal with shit like this? “I suggest you ask a pony friend,” I answered. “Failing that, be yourself. Or rather, be the part of yourself that isn’t uncomfortably silent when you come face-to-face with the mare you like.”

“Be myself?” he scoffed. “That never works!”

“Look. Doc. I don’t care. Let me go or I’m going to sit on you.”

“Can you… go with me tonight? Sit near me and help me?”

I fell back on him, since he was still holding my legs. His head went between my legs and I was straddling his upper neck. When I had his head locked I mashed my legs together, constricting his air flow.

“Let. Me. Go,” I said. His arms slowly drifted away from my legs. I pulled my legs out and flipped one over his head so I could easily stand up. “I got you the date. Talk to someone else to help you. Either way, I seriously suggest getting some confidence or something, man. Or harness the confidence that made you hold onto me so long after I threatened you.” I stood up and patted him on the top of the head. “I’m heading out of the village now. If you follow me, I’ll drag you back into town and tie you to a table in Sugarcube Corner until your date gets there.”

I left the village and I left him lying in the dirt.

I’m not going to lie: I was very, very surprised that he followed me. And I had absolutely no way to drag him back to town; he was stronger than me and heavier than me. Fucking ponies, man. I don’t know when I realized he was behind me again, but when I did I started heading to an area I knew well enough that I can sneak up on him.

It took me half an hour to set him up. When he was finally right where I needed him, I dropped down from the tree and onto his back. His mouth opened in surprise and I jammed my belt between his teeth as a bit. I used that to control his head and he quickly fell into line.

“You’re a docile one,” I commented, patting him on the side. “Much easier to break than the horses back home. Now, why did you follow me?” I slid the bit out, making sure I was safely on his back.

“You were testing my confidence…” he gasped, still recovering from his fear. I was what now? “You wanted to see if I was brave enough to follow you out of town!” I closed my eyes, thinking over what I had said and—Yep, you could look at it that way. Fucking ponies.

I patted his neck again. “That’s not at all what I was doing,” I said. He sagged. “Congratulations. You’re either an idiot or a genius. Either way, you’re more confident than I thought. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said that I really don’t care. Because I most definitely don’t. Be happy that you’re normal enough to go on a date with a pony. Derpy’s a nice enough mare, if incredibly clumsy. Hell, she’s probably one of the kindest I’ve met. Makes an awesome muffin, too. If she likes you, good. If not, oh well. Either way, I don’t care. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

He turned his head to look at me. “This is a hard test! It’s almost like… you… don’t… Oh.” He got quieter saying that until he was barely whispering. He hung his head.

I patted him again and slid off his back. I turned to walk away again, but felt something very large and very heavy crash into me, sending me to the ground. My head hit the ground and left me reeling. I realized after a moment that he was holding me down. I shook my head and tried to push myself up but I didn’t budge.

“I need your help!” he raged.

“I am going to count to three,” I said. “If you are still on top of me when I finish, I will hurt you.”

“But—”

“One.”

“You don’t—”

“Two.” I pulled out my knife.

“Please!”

“Three.”

I felt him move. I pushed myself off the ground and turned to look at him. He was looking down, unable to meet my gaze. I grabbed his head and forced his gaze up. “Remember that feeling,” I told him. “That feeling when you struck me. That need. Now go get her. Or something.” I let his head go and turned once more, sheathing my dagger.

I heard him sigh as I walked away.

I get so, so tired of dealing with these fucking ponies sometimes. So dramatic, so full of life and emotion. And it seems like every time they want to involve me with something it’s the fucking clichéd plot of a cartoon or TV show.

Sometimes I just need to get away for a day, you know?

The next day, Derpy came by the library with an extra-special muffin and a peck on the cheek for introducing her to such a great stallion. Whoop-de-doo. Doctor Whooves came by an hour or so later and gave me a hoof-crafted clock, which was pretty neat.

Say what you want about my methods, but I get results. Even when I don’t try and don’t care. And apparently I get friends even when I act like a dick. I was starting to wonder what it would take to get a few days of peace and quiet.

About six weeks after the naga thing, I found myself looking outside into the dreary winter day, wondering if I should bother stepping outside.

Someone knocked on the door. Twilight was away and Spike was brooding again, so I went to answer it. Rainbow Dash greeted me. “Oh, hi Navarone. Is Twilight in?”

“Nope. She and Rarity went to do something.”

“Good. Can I talk to you about something… sensitive?”

I thought about Spike, wandering about the building—ostensibly cleaning, but he wasn’t doing that much—and decided we could walk. “Let me grab my coat.”

A few minutes later, we were chilling on a high cloud, trying to soak as much heat out of the sun as it was willing to weakly beat against us. “What do you want to talk about?”

“This might sound odd, but how do you get a mare to like you?”

I laid back into the cloud—wings weren’t an issue for that, up here—and tried to think how I could respond to that.

Finally, I said, “What makes you think I have any experience in attracting mares?”

I imagined her rolling her eyes as she said, “Don’t make me spell it out, Nav.”

What the hell is she talking about? There’s no way she could know about Luna. “If I did attract someone, I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t on purpose. I can’t imagine that it’s true, anyway. What pony, male or female, could find much romantic interest in something like me after knowing me long enough?”

“You mean you really don’t know? And I thought I was slow to figure it out! Well, if you don’t know, I won’t be the one to tell you.”

“Suit yourself. I don’t know how I can tell you what I did with her if I don’t know who it is, though.” If not Luna, though, then who?

“But you have to have some manner of advice, even if it was from girls in your own world!”

“You could get lucky and find yourself fulfilling a personal fetish of theirs. That happened to me, in Africa. I couldn’t tell you if it was more of a curse or a blessing, though.”

“Oh, this I have to hear! What happened?”

I found myself blushing. “I’m not certain you want to know. Your innocent mind might not take it well.”

“Tell me or I’ll sit on you,” she answered, jumping up from her spot.

“And you ponies call me violent! Fine, if you’ll not tell any of the others. There was a crazy cat lady in Africa that had a fetish for wings.” And a few other things. “It was an interesting time I spent in those desert nights.”

“I’m sure you enjoyed yourself, anyway. Why would you consider that a curse?”

“Because I had no say in the matter, one way or another. I was basically her prisoner. I got orders from Celestia that basically amounted to ‘Do anything these people say.’ When I complained to the leader of the cats, who at that point hated me, she pointed out the wording of the orders and told me to suck it up. And when she started going too far and I was trying to say no, they threatened Spike. I eventually… came to an arrangement.”

“Psh. Leave it to you to complain about free, no strings attached sex.”

“The sex, I didn’t mind. I just didn’t like the fact that I had no say in the matter. That, and very often I had to wake up early the next morning to march in the relentless desert sun, or else I had already missed a few hours of sleep to attack a slave camp. And you don’t know what too far means.”

She still couldn’t find much wrong with it, and I decided to let it go. Not something I really much wanted to think about.

“But if that isn’t an option, what else can I do?”

“Are you positive this person is into mares?”

“No, but I think she might be open to trying it, if nothing else…”

“I’ll tell you what I told Spike: Whoever this chick is, try telling her you’re interested. If she isn’t, she’ll tell you and you can stop worrying about it, and you won’t have to do some elaborate scheme to try to get her. If she is, problem solved.”

“If I wanted that kind of advice, I would have asked my mother, or just about any other mare. I want to know how a guy would go about doing it.”

“Depends on the guy, honestly. There is no set way to go about it. It also depends on what you’re looking for. Most people don’t think about what happens in a relationship once the initial passion dies down. Forever is a long time to pledge your life to someone, and over time you get to know them as different than when you first met them. If you’re in love with someone because of the mystery or intrigue they pose, and nothing else, you’re going to end up disappointed in the long run. A relationship with anybody would be a lot different than the wooing process.”

“So what are you trying to tell me?”

“It’s different based on what you’re looking for and the person you’re going after. If you’re just looking for a quick fuck, it’s simple. You tell the person you’re interested, ask if they are, and then go from there. Your parents, though, were probably looking for love when they got together, and their wooing style probably went with that: They very likely had a long dating process.” Unless you’re an accident after a one night stand and they decided to stay together because of that, like me and my sister. “During that time they got to know each other a bit to know if they were fully compatible before agreeing to anything more. But asking someone on a date is both easier and harder than you’d think. Easier, because there are fewer expectations from a date than there are when you get a girl to love you in one night. Harder, because it implies more intimacy, or at least the chance for more intimacy.”

If you can’t tell, by the way, I’m making about half of this up as I go. I’ve spent some mental time on game theory and stuff like this, but never for practical reasons. Some of this might work, but I’ve never tested it. It’s weird, though, how many people were suddenly coming to me for relationship advice.

“You’re really going to have to tell me the story behind Egill some time, Nav. According to Twilight and some of the stories I’ve heard, Luna seemed pretty happy.”

I sighed. “How many ponies actually know it was me?”

“I dunno. You did have a cutie mark somehow, but it’s really not that much of a disguise for anypony that saw you as a pony before. It’s a good thing Fleur hasn’t figured it out and hurt you for it. Though I still haven’t figured out how you got a cutie mark.”

“If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll tell you the story. And by not telling anyone, I mean telling absolutely no one. I really don’t want to risk it getting back to that hussy.”

She did. I did.

When I was finished, she commented—after she got done laughing, anyway—“I can’t believe you said that to her! No wonder it was all over the papers!”

“...It was what now?” I slowly said.

“Dude, I don’t even care about celebrity gossip and all that stuff, but I still heard about it. Front page news and everything! Nopony told you because Twilight told us not to, for whatever reason.”

“That’s stupid. Well… it’s not like it matters. I wouldn’t have done anything with it. As long as Fleur doesn’t find out, I’m okay. So remember: Not a word to anyone. Feel free to try some of what I did as Egill, but remember that it required insulting the hell out of someone. If it makes you feel any better, I told Spike the same stuff I told you.”

“But he’s not any closer to getting Rarity.”

“He also didn’t try following the advice I did give him, though.”

“What’d you tell him?”

“To tell her that he’s interested.”

“I’m pretty sure she knows.”

“I know that and you know that. Hell, pretty much everyone knows that. Rarity is rather manipulative. She’ll probably keep using his feelings until he admits them, and then kick him to the curb.”

“She’s better than that, Nav!”

“Well, after some of what she did to me I feel that I’m justified in what I think.”

“Oh? Do you have more stories for me?”

“Not on this I don’t.”

“And if I threatened to sit on you again?”

“I’ll starve before I talk,” I answered with a shrug, getting ready to feel a furry pony all over me.

“Well, I suppose I should leave you with some secrets, otherwise there’d be no more reason to talk to you. Though I don’t know why you’re willing to talk about some of this stuff now.”

“No one asked about some of the stuff earlier. Hey, why are you coming out to me, now, about something like this? Instead of some of your other friends, I mean.”

She looked away and muttered something.

“What was that? I must have some cloud in my ear.” She mumbled it a bit louder. “Maybe that cloud is actually some sand from Africa. I still can’t hear you.”

“You’re the only friend I can tell that won’t think I’m hitting on them! Why don’t you seem surprised at all to learn it?”

“Since we’re being honest here, I already knew.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“Remember when we got you drunk, my first year here? Yeah, when you woke up that morning, that thing you thought I said, that I actually did say, was ‘we tried letting Big MacIntosh flirt with you.’ It didn’t work well, though he didn’t specify why. All he said was you didn’t want a stallion.”

That got her a bit steamed and scared at the same time. “You mean… Applejack… she knows? And Big Mac? And… and you LIED to me! Twice!”

“Now, technically, I only lied to you once, because of your wording when you kidnapped me.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better!”

“Well, what else was I supposed to do? What would you have done if we told you what we knew? What would you have done that was different, I mean?”

“…I would not have waited as long as I did to bring this up. How did Applejack react when she found out?”

“So much has happened… If you want, I can show you the relevant journal entries. They go more into detail, and there might be something in them that I wouldn’t think to mention.”

She agreed to that, and we flew back down to the library. Once there, I thought for a second, and then picked a book seemingly at random from a shelf and handed it to her.

“This says… Mating Habits of the Common Cow. Are you calling me fat?”

“Open it.” She did so, somehow, and found that it was hollowed out and full of journal pages.

“Does Twilight know you did this to one of her books?”

“Nope. Seriously, who the hell is going to try to check out something on the mating habits of cows? Who the hell would even write a book like that? Makes about as much sense as rock farming.” Especially since cows are sentient in this place. Fucking disgusting creatures. I was happy to burn the insides of that book when I cut them out.

“I don’t think Twilight would care about the logicality of it as much as she would that you messed with one of her books.”

“True enough. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, though.” I grabbed the entries of note and set them out for her. “Oh, and don’t think all the entries are in there, either. I spread them out in various hiding places.” That was a lie, actually. They were all in there. I wasn’t taking any chances by keeping them in an easily found location. I suppose it would be more accurate to call it a half lie, actually. I had chopped up a lot of books and stored things in all of them. Most were false trails, fake entries in my journal, things that weren’t true and never happened. Basically, tells to let me know if someone was actually searching for anything. If they mentioned something to me about what was in one of them, I would move the real entries. If they mentioned something to me about what was in the real entries, I would claim they were part of the false trail I laid out.

I’m a little bit paranoid, okay? And it’s not like I have much else to do in this boring pony world.

She started reading, looking for what, I don’t know. I also don’t know if she found it. Maybe it was reading my attitudes and opinions on the matter that caused it, but whatever, she didn’t answer any of my questions on the matter when I asked them. I probably should have taken the bit about Luna out of them, but I didn’t see what it could hurt and I didn’t want her to think I was hiding anything.

I offered to let her read through until the part where she kidnapped me, but she decided against it. She still seemed in a bit of shock.

She finally asked me, “Are all your entries like this?”

“Not all. I don’t see what was so surprising about it, though. Other than my complete irreverence, I mean. That’s a pretty common theme. Overarching, actually. Even when I first met Celestia, one of my only thoughts was how tired she looked.”

“But… she’s the princess! No way is she ever tired. Just think of how easy life must be for her.”

“...If you say so. She is definitely a person, one way or another. Shame she only seems to want to talk to me when she needs me to do something.”

“Psh. That’s not true! What about that time she summoned us to Canterlot and her sister ended up getting injured? She talked to you for hours, then.”

“Yeah. That was, as it turned out, an interview of sorts. I can’t go over the details, but she was talking with me for a reason.” Fucking Luna, man.

“Oh, come on! You’ve told me so much, what’s a little more going to hurt?”

“Possibly a lot more than you know.”

“You can’t just cut me off there! Come on, what happened?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“And if I threaten to hold these entries hostage? Or read through them?”

“You may be faster than me, but you can’t run forever. And if all else fails, I’ll just get Pinkie Pie to help me catch you. Some of those entries concern her secrets as well.”

“Secret conspiracies with both Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie? What, are they planning a super-secret Equestria-wide party?”

“No, two different secrets about two different topics, for the most part unrelated. I ended up in Africa because of Pinkie Pie’s secret, but it isn’t for me to discuss.”

“Something Pinkie Pie did ended up with you in Africa? You can’t keep that a secret, Nav!”

“I can and I will. I have heard it said that the best way to lose a friend is to tell a secret of theirs that they don’t want known. I won’t be finding the truth of that out the hard way.”

“Psh, fine. Is there anything else you feel like sharing today, or should I go and wallow in unsatisfied curiosity?”

“If I tell you everything at once, what’s to keep you coming back for more?”

“What if I promise to not come back unless you give me more?”

“Then I might well see that as a good way to keep some of my secrets hidden. But fine. Since I know you’re such a sweet and placid little pony, I don’t think I’ll give you the Africa entries; they’re much too violent for such an innocent thing as yourself,” accompanied by a poke on her nose. She gave me one of those looks for that. “I can’t very well give you either of my naga campaign entries…”

“Wait, when did you fight with the naga? You didn’t talk about that when you told us your Africa stories!”

“I can’t just tell you everything about me, Dash! How else am I supposed to stay aloof and mysterious?”

“After reading some of these, I’m starting to think you need to step off your high pony. Fine, keep your secrets. How about the Egill thing? I already know about that, so there’s nothing more to hide.”

“You’d think that. It’s not like it matters, though. Nothing in those entries would do you any good, and there’s nothing in there that you need to know.”

“Sounds to me like you’re actually trying to hide something, now.”

“I wonder why.”

“Psh. What are you hiding, a secret love affair with Princess Celestia?”

That would be more interesting than one with Luna, if nothing else. I laughed her off, though, and answered, “Nah. My cutoff age for cougars is thirty years older than I. I believe Celestia is a little bit past that.”

“What’s a cougar?”

“An older female that romances younger males.”

“I dunno, Nav… After what I’ve heard about Egill and Luna, I wouldn’t be too surprised to find you secretly loving her. Especially after all of that with the cat in the desert! Sounds to me like you attract domineering mares.”

“A curse, that is. I’ve technically been raped by four chicks in this world, though I probably could have stopped the naga if I truly wanted to.”

“Oh man, you are making this naga story sound cooler and cooler!” ...You find rape cool?

“It’s a shame you’ll probably never get to hear it, then.”

“You’re no fun sometimes, Nav!”

“Only sometimes. At least on a funness scale, I generally score higher than spoil sports like Rarity or Twilight. I swear, those two try their hardest to never let me have any fun.”

“What about that competition with Trixie that Twilight took you to help her with? Aside from ending up as a pony, you probably had a lot of fun there!”

“True. It was actually pretty fun, for the most part. But as you said, I ended up as a pony because of it.”

“You seemed to have a lot of fun there, too. I mean, you learned how to fly, you started taking dance lessons that you never seem to miss now, you for some reason helped Rarity with fashion stuff, and you even managed to seduce Luna! Which I would have loved to have seen, by the way. I mean, you? Suave and charming? Yeah right!”

“It definitely wasn’t a seduction. I just happened to say a few things that made her happy. But it was an interesting night, by all accounts. I heard Fleur acted as slutty as possible this year to make up for it.”

“Yeah… But it was kinda disappointing, without Celestia or the mysterious Egill there to liven things up. Though it was also kinda boring even when Celestia was there.”

“Formal parties like that aren’t supposed to be fun. They exist for politics. If I went there as a newly rich pony, I could probably form massive alliances with some of the more prestigious members of society. In a situation like that in my world, I might arrange marriages, arrange commodity trades, settle border disputes, flirt, and generally just connive my way to power. Here, though, I have no ambitions because no one would accept me as any manner of public leader.”

“I don’t know about all that. Politics are so boring! I just go to try to be seen by the Wonderbolts.”

“Have you ever, I don’t know, tried applying for entry?”

“I’m too young… I just want them to know about me before I can actually go to the academy, so I can get in easier!”

“Dash, you managed a Sonic Rainboom twice. They probably aren’t allowed not to take you. Though I don’t know if your trail is what they’re looking for. They tend to leave lightning behind them, I’ve heard, while you leave a rainbow.”

“I’m sure that’ll be the least of my problems!”

“You’ll do fine. Just don’t forget what’s truly important in life.”

“I’ve already had that lesson. Don’t worry, I know friends are important.”

“Friends? Yeah, I guess those are important, too. Probably better than what I was thinking, anyway…”

“What did you mean?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s probably better it isn’t said aloud.” Actually, friends are what I meant, but I just like being difficult sometimes.

“You’re weird, Nav.”

“Yeah, I am. It’s fun.”

She thought for second. “You know, if you were still a pegasus, you could help me train better.”

“I’m not good with speed. I get where I’m going when I get there and not a second sooner or later.”

“I don’t see why most ponies don’t seem to care anything for speed. To me, if you’re not moving as fast as possible, you’re just wasting time!”

“To me, life is a journey. If you don’t take some time to look around and enjoy it and to make sure you know where you’re going, you’ll miss something. You only have one life to live, so there’s no reason to risk wasting any of it by skipping something you might enjoy.”

“What if all I enjoy is going fast?”

“That is different, but if that’s truly all you enjoy, you might want to try something else. If you ever do want to, I’m sure Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy wouldn’t mind overly much if you joined us for a dance lesson one day.”

“I don’t know…”

“What, afraid you’re not agile enough? I know you used to go by Rainbow Crash, but I didn’t know it applied to when you were also walking…” I knew the easiest way to get her to do something was goading her like that, and it worked. Personally, I didn’t care one way or another if she wanted to try, but I figured it would be funny, and since there were two chicks and me there, she would probably end up dancing with a mare, possibly giving her some manner of confidence.

“Oh, you’re on! I’ll be there, and I’ll be the best dancer Pinkie Pie has ever seen!”

“Good. Oh, and you’ll probably end up dancing with Pinkie Pie, so that’s a plus, I suppose.”

“Goo—wait, what?”

I pointed the number distribution out to her. She grimaced slightly, but she couldn’t back out now. “Relax,” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could end up banished from her presence or possibly as her eternal slave.”

“See, I told Spike that could happen! And he didn’t believe me…”

“Huh?”

“Oh, just a conversation we had about Rarity a long time ago, when he asked me for girl advice. We ended up joking about worst case scenarios involving women. One ended up with him banished from Rarity’s presence and me as her eternal slave.”

“Oh, I’m sure she would love that.”

“I would kill myself. I can’t abide being bound down like that. My potential wanderlust is too high.”

“I know that feeling. That’s part of the reason I live in the clouds: I can move my home around if I want.” I snorted at the idea of her living in a mobile home. “What?”

“Nothing, just something back from my world.” Just then, I heard someone coming up the steps to Twilight’s house. I looked at the desecrated book that still held most of my entries and said, “Oh shit, we need to hide this!”

As quickly as we could, we shoved the entries in it and closed it back. I got it ready just as the door opened and Twilight entered. “Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. I didn’t know you liked reading…about cows,” she said when she saw the title on the book I was somewhat scared to hide, thinking she might think we were hiding something.

Now, I’m a pretty decent liar, if I do say so myself. But I was completely lost at how to go about explaining this one away. I could tell from the awkward silence next to me that Rainbow Dash was just as lost. Thankfully, Rarity followed Twilight in and I was saved from having to. I think that’s one of the few times I was thankful to see Rarity.

Before Rarity could say anything, though, Rainbow Dash fled, saying, “I’ve gotta see a bear about a thing!” She left me completely holding the bag on that one. If there was any chance of me dropping the book and fleeing as well, I would have been right behind her, but I couldn’t take it without logging it and I couldn’t leave it without Twilight checking it.

“What was that about?” Rarity asked.

“She had a question she wanted answered,” I said.

“A question about… the mating habits of cows?” Twilight asked.

“How much of what Rainbow Dash does ever make sense?” I replied. I also resolved to move my hiding places around. Twilight and Rarity would suspect this book now, and Rainbow Dash knew for sure about it. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to get back to… what I was doing.”

“Not so fast, Navarone,” Rarity said. My back was already turned and I was heading to the stairs. I closed my eyes, annoyed, and counted to ten in my head before slowly turning back with a half-smile on my face, eyes once again open. I could feel my wings twitching slightly, which they sometimes do when I’m dealing with something I’d rather not be. I still had the book in hand, to be stashed in my room until I could deal with it safely.

When I looked, she had that sweet smile on her face that I had seen her use on a few stallions about town to get them to do what she wanted.

I hated that fucking smile.

I decided to remind her about something. “You should know by now that your feminine wiles do nothing against me, woman. I’m not attracted to ponies, remember?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” was the expected answer, and I wasn’t disappointed. I couldn’t tell if Twilight was amused or confused. “I was just hoping to ask you for a favor.”

“I’m listening, but I’ll make no promises until I hear the task.” I had learned my lesson about that.

“Let’s walk, shall we? I’ve been cooped up inside all day, and I’m sure Twilight doesn’t want to be bored by our little discussion.”

I raised an eyebrow, but said, “Give me a minute.” I went to put the book in my room, grabbed my cloak—it was freaking December, after all—and after half a second of thought I grabbed a dagger. I wasn’t expecting to need it, but it did me well when near Rarity to keep it by my side. For sanity’s sake, if nothing else.

When I walked back down, I could tell she was itching to go. Twilight was apparently continuing a conversation they were having before they walked in, about one of the finer points of unicorn magic. Rarity used her magic for her arts, but beyond that she didn’t much care about exploring it, at least not that I ever saw. I didn’t know if I should hurry to help her escape Twilight or take my time to watch her suffer some more.

Eh, the sooner I get this over with the better. Never let it be said I don’t have some room for mercy in my heart.

So we bid Twilight farewell and went on our way, me with trepidation in my heart and her with a practical prance in her step. That did nothing for my mood.

“So, what did you want to say to me that you didn’t want Twilight to hear?”

I don’t know if she was surprised that I managed to pick up on that—women are often surprised to find that men actually understand them sometimes—but she answered it all the same: “Remember the modeling you did for me as a pony?” I almost, almost turned around and walked away. If I didn’t know she would follow me saying Pleeeeease! everywhere I went, I would have. I just nodded, a ball of trepidation forming in my stomach as she continued: “Well, the pictures all caught on! And it wasn’t just Fluttershy’s old fame that did it, or my extravagant outfits!” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at that one. “No, Navarone, the fashion industry wants you as a star! Just think of it!”

“As I’ve said before, I do my best not to think of it. I see no advantages to be gained in doing something like that, at least none for me.”

“I don’t see why you have such an unreasonable detestation toward the fashion industry, Navarone. You really must get that sorted out. Maybe this is a chance to do that!”

“I’m quite fine with my irrational hatreds, actually. They help keep me warm at night, when I’m alone and unable to sleep.”

“Well, I think such things are unhealthy, and would be happy to help you deal with them. Come on, Nav, when have I ever let you down?”

“You must have a bad memory. It’s only been two years.”

“I thought you were over that by now! Come on, it was just one time!” Fight. Down. The anger.

“Where I come from, you’d still be in jail for that,” I coldly answered. “But we digress. I’ve no interest in your fashion industry. I don’t want to become a pony again and I don’t want to play dress up. I did that out of boredom and because I knew I would hate it enough that it would help pass the time and I wouldn’t have to worry about risking a cutie mark.”

She stopped and started toying with some pebbles on the ground with her hoof, then looked up and said, “I didn’t want to have to do this, but… I know about Egill.”

“Congratulations. And what does that do for you?”

“You’re not even going to try to hide it?”

“Why bother? You have no proof. You can know about it all you like, but who’s going to believe you?”

“Is the idea of doing things with fashion so horrible that you wouldn’t even do this for a friend?”

So you wanna play like that, huh? “And is your fashion industry so important to you that you would beg a friend to go out of his comfort zone to help you in something he doesn’t want to do?” Not much you can say to that, I was hoping.

“I didn’t want to use this either, but… I already contacted the ponies interested. They’ll be here in a few days. I really need your help here, Navarone!” I didn’t know if she was telling the truth or not, but I know she looked sincere about it. And she was starting to look worried. That convinced me more than anything. Merde... I wasn’t going to go down without some swings though.

“And what were you planning on telling them if I said no?”

“I wasn’t expecting you to actually say no! Not like this! Please, Navarone, I need you!” I hate seeing people beg. I sighed. She smiled, seeing that she had won. “You won’t regret this! I swear it!”

A week later, we were both sitting in a jail cell. She was regretting it more than I was, as she was moaning something about, “Ruined, ruined!” I was expecting we would be let out shortly; as a friend to both princesses, I didn’t expect the charges against us would hold. Especially not when we got to explain.

Still, it was fucking cold in that cell, so I was kind of regretting having to snuggle against Rarity to keep warm.

Chapter Twenty-One—Why I never want to help Rarity again

Chapter Twenty-One—Why I never want to help Rarity again

And before you ask, I still haven’t figured out exactly how the hell it happened. Like, I had no clue, when Rarity was lucid she had no clue, and we were just both completely and totally confused about why we were arrested. But I know that I hadn’t actually done anything and as far as I knew, she hadn’t done anything either, so I was guessing it was all just a misunderstanding.

I was more surprised to learn that Equestria even had prisons, honestly.

After a day or so of waiting in that cold, boring cell, we were finally taken to trial. By that time, Rarity had apparently decided she was an invalid or something and was forced to lean on me for support. When we got inside the courtroom, I about turned around and just went back to my cell. Celestia was there, and she was not looking like she usually did, which was calm, happy, and collected. No, she looked like an avenging angel ready to drop judgment on sinners. We were Soddom and Gommorah and she was the divine retribution.

I put on my best poker face.

“Do you understand the charges against you?” Celestia demanded.

“No, actually,” I said. “I was hoping they could be explained. We weren’t told a damn thing.”

“You are charged with…” she pretended to go down a list of perpetrators to find our case, “…treason. How do you plead?” What. The. Fuck.

Rarity almost fainted. I answered for us both, “We plead not guilty.” There were whispers from the small crowd behind us. When I took a short glance back that way, I saw that only guards were present.

“Plead your case, then.”

“Well, all good tales start at the beginning, I suppose…”

As you probably know, I am normally a human. Well, a human with wings. However, because a few certain people can’t seem to accept that’s how I want to stay, I occasionally find myself in the guise of a pegasus.

My help had just been requested for a sensitive manner, a favor for a friend. The catch, though, was that I had to be a pegasus again to do it. With much trepidation in my heart, I agreed.

An interjection from Celestia: “What was the favor?”

“I was asked to work as a model. Not something I’m a fan of. Not something I’ll ever do again, if this is any indication of what happens when I try it.”

Anyway, I agreed to the job, because that’s the nice kind of guy I am. The… photographer, I suppose is the best term, was due in a few days, so I had some time to get my human affairs in order. There was little to most of what I had to do, so I finished within a day.

Before I was asked to help with this favor, I had been talking to another friend of mine, a mare named Rainbow Dash. She left in quite a bit of a hurry, so when I finished everything I needed to I checked on her. She was fine, and had just thought of something she needed to do. We talked for a spell over inconsequential things (namely, my past experiences with female humans—what little there were, but Celestia and the court didn’t need to know that).

I ate my last meal with human hands a day after the request was made, which I suppose is about nine days ago, now. After that breakfast, I had Twilight Sparkle turn me into a pegasus.

The photographer still had another day until he was due, so I threw a cloak over my blank flank and sauntered through town. I had paraded about like that, in the past, as an agent of the crown. Which is technically true, if you think about some of what I’ve done in the past.

Anyway, I was found by another friend, called Pinkie Pie, and she wanted to test my body in dancing. Pinkie Pie, another friend named Fluttershy, and I all get together every now and then and dance for fun, but I’m always a human when we do it. So we went off to get Fluttershy to find she wasn’t there, and couldn’t be found.

We did, however, find another friend named Applejack. We managed to coerce her into trying it out, under the guise of a challenge. She and Rainbow Dash are very competitive, and I had just recently invited Rainbow Dash to join us a time or two to see if she liked it. Applejack merely saw it as a chance to get ahead.

So we danced. We couldn’t do as much as we would have liked, as Applejack is not a flier, but we were able to do plenty.

And then the next day I went to Rarity’s shop to prepare for that bloody farce she basically forced me into.

She had learned her lesson from the last time she had worked with a professional photographer, and had outfits laid out if needed.

Then the photographer arrived, and I have never seen a stranger pony in my life, aside from some of my time in an African port city, looking at some of the nastiest cutie marks I’ve ever had to see. I won’t try to describe her or fake her accent, but she was dressed in some of the strangest clothes… I don’t suppose it’s my place to judge, but I never really was a fan of any of that fashion show crap. I suppose it could be decent entertainment, but I never got it. To each their own, I suppose.

Anyway, the photographer arrived and her agents started setting up. I think at least one of them noticed my blank flank, and the photographer started muttering something about ‘unrivaled potential.’

I was forced into an outfit and told to ‘act natural.’ For me, I suppose that would be false hauteur and heroism with an underlying constant search for possible exits. Anyway, I did so.

They took pictures and then left without a word. Rather impolite, if you ask me, but whatever. Rarity was nervous. I didn’t really care. Sometimes it’s nice to do something you have absolutely no connection to one way or another, so you don’t care if you succeed or fail.

I was told by a somewhat nervous Rarity to stay as a pony for now, and she sent me home.

I had been accosted more than a few times on the way there by some ponies calling me, for some reason, ‘Egill.’ Knowing what harm it could do to show them my lack of a cutie mark to prove I wasn’t this fellow, I just denied their claims and kept walking.

So to avoid that, I decided to fly back instead of walk. While in the air, I almost ran into a hurrying Fluttershy. With nothing else planned for the day, I asked if she needed help.

Her answer was yes. Apparently one of her animal friends had somehow managed to injure itself, and she didn’t know what to expect or what she might need when she got there. So off we went.

As it turns out, my help wasn’t even needed. It was a small critter that got hurt, small enough for her to easily carry by herself. I didn’t know what good I would have been able to do as a pony, but I’ve found in my years here that any time you don’t offer assistance to someone that looks like they need it, you miss out on a possible adventure.

When I left for home then, I realized that, hell, I don’t have hands anymore. So writing would be impossible, reading would be a pain, I was even more useless to Twilight, and I really just didn’t feel like dealing with an increasingly recalcitrant Spike.

The town was unexplorable, as everyone kept mistaking me for Egill, there’s only so much you can do in the air, and I had pretty much explored the entire surrounding area by then and knew about every single landmark around it.

I was kind of tempted to go out into a big open area and start messing with clouds, but I know they all get where they are because they’re put there, and if they’re put somewhere they’re probably there for a reason.

I was also tempted to go flying over the big evil forest conspicuously close to town, but I had helped drag one injured flier out of there already and I wasn’t planning on risking myself like that. I had plenty of times as a human when I was armed, but I didn’t want to take the risk as a pony with nothing but hooves to protect me.

So it was with absolute boredom that I wandered on down to Applejack’s farm to offer any help. I won’t pretend that I’m stronger than Big MacIntosh, but I did have wings. I figured, if nothing else, I could just fly around and watch.

I don’t know much about roofing or repairing stuff, but I was able to help fix up some of Applejack’s old, decrepit farmhouse and barn back when I was a human. That wasn’t the objective of this trip, however; with no hands, operating a hammer and nails would be a bit of a pain.

Of course, since it was December, there wasn’t much in the way of farming going on. All the harvests had been done and all the land was lying fallow. I was just bored out of my mind and hoping for something to do.

Big MacIntosh was the first one I ran into, and he didn’t know who I was, of course. He hadn’t seen me as a pony when I turned into one the first time. I had to tell him about the time we got Rainbow Dash drunk to get him to buy that I was me. You ponies are very trusting, I must say.

Anyway, he hastily assured me there was nothing going on that they needed help with, but offered the hospitality of the farm anyway. Since I didn’t know much about this fellow other than that he has better morals than I, I decided to chill and talk a bit. He’s a pretty cool dude, though somewhat sheltered from being on a farm most of his life.

It didn’t take long for my presence to be noted by other parties, however, and I was soon ambushed by the Three Stooges: Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Big MacIntosh did nothing but laugh as I strove to get away from them. I had been ambushed by them in the past with… unpleasant results, so I did my best to get away.

It didn’t work. When those little demons get a goal in mind, they usually succeed at that goal. And since I didn’t want to risk hurting them, I was hesitant to actually strike back. At least it ended in more of a Mexican standoff this time, as I had a nice little trump card they didn’t know about, but that isn’t really important. I let them think they won and they disentangled themselves from me.

In response to their questions, I lied and told them I was here to offer help and if none was available I had plans to help Pinkie Pie with something.

I had no such plans, but they would probably want me to do something with them if I didn’t have anything else to do, and their ideas of fun often end with me in some manner of either pain or humiliating position.

They were content with that, though perhaps a bit saddened, and wandered off upon hearing the resumption of the conversation I was having with Big Mac. It quickly devolved into my accusations of him collaborating with them, and his hasty and obvious lies of denial. He isn’t as bad at lying as Fluttershy, but he’s not much better. I let him have it, though, since whatever.

After that our topic somehow got to women, and I don’t want to talk about what was said, since there are some women here today. Still, I somewhat have to wonder why everyone comes to me, a member from a different species, about picking up mares.

Anyway, after all the wandering that I had done, it was getting rather close to night. I decided to call it early and head on home.

On day three, I was awoken by a very pleased Rarity. I don’t want to talk about what it entailed, but she was happy because apparently she had heard back from that fashion chick. If we could get Fluttershy to come out of her retirement, we were basically assured a job.

I was very, very tempted at that point to tell Rarity to fuck off and to turn me back human. I am not a fan of fashion, I don’t care for it, and I didn’t want to do this in the first place. She… made me an offer that I could not refuse. Looking at where I’m at now, I’m thinking I should have refused it.

Fluttershy was surprisingly easy to convince. Despite hating her time in modeling, she didn’t seem to mind coming back to it, as long as, in her words, “It’s only temporary, and for helping a friend.”

The news was sent back to that chick and she wasted no time in stealing all three of us away, though I don’t really know why Rarity was invited. We took some pictures in and around town. Since we were both pegasi, we even took some pictures in the clouds. I saw little appeal in most of what they had us do, but the fashion people looked pleased enough so I stuck with it.

That day was killed quickly enough, with all the pictures we had to take. I swear, I think at the end they were out of film and were just faking the noise and flash of the camera. When they were finished, they called it a day and told us to go on home or whatever. Didn’t even see an ounce of gold for it, either…

Anyway, we went our separate ways and went home.

Day four didn’t involve any annoying fashion people at all. It was, however, one of our dance nights, between Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and I. It was different, as a pony, but since I’m awesome I managed well enough. Rainbow Dash came by halfway through it to get involved, and ended up dancing with Pinkie Pie for half the night. It’s all in good fun.

On day five, Rarity and I were summoned to the train station. Fluttershy was not invited. I had a bad feeling, but I went anyway. The unrefusable offer was still in play, after all.

We spent most of that day traveling to various places, with me modeling with various ponies. I was starting to think Rarity had said something to the head fashion chick about her relationship to me, but I make no accusations. She was there, for whatever reason, and her approval was sought for most of what we did.

Day five ended with us in a pretty spiffy hotel, and with me more pissed than ever at being in a pony body. It is a hard feeling to describe, and if you’ve never had your body changed you probably can’t understand. I kept doing things that to a human would be second nature but to a pony would be either impossible or painful. And having to be on four legs was annoying as piss. And I could feel my fingers, in a way, even though I knew they weren’t there. I kept trying to pick things up or touch things, only to feel them slide away against my hard hooves.

But I was promised that this would only last a few more days, and then I could disappear back as a human again.

Day six was pretty much the same as day five, only I spent a lot more time among the wealthy and affluent. The day ended with us chilling in a mansion, where the very familiar mistress of the house tried to seduce me, I think, and when she failed I’m pretty sure she put something in my water that I casually swapped with the fashion chick when no one was looking.

Yeah, when Fleur stopped by my room that night, she was very surprised to see me awake. I pointed her to Photo Finish’s room.

Day seven was pretty similar to the last two, with the exception of me and Rarity getting arrested on the third stop with no explanation. The last day was spent in a rather cold cell, having to cuddle next to Rarity to keep warm.

It was hell.

Rarity was given time to give her spiel after I told my position. It was, for the most part, an overly dramatic and tear-filled version of mine. She didn’t have the dance night, the attempted seduction part, or any of the reluctance.

If I had thought we actually had a chance of being convicted, I would have poked her and told her to stop acting, but I was pretty sure we’d be cleared.

When Rarity finished her testimony, there was relative silence in the court room. I wouldn’t be surprised to turn around to see that most of the ponies attending had fallen asleep.

Celestia picked up her gavel with magic, solemnly intoned “Guilty!” and banged it down.

The only thing in my mind was “Well, shit.” Then we were hustled back into our cell.

“So,” I asked Rarity in one of her moments of lucidity, “what’s the penalty for treason?”

“Life or death, depending on the severity of the treason. What did we even do?”

“No clue. Think you can use your magic to send a message?”

“I’ve tried! This place is walled off against magic. I can cast spells in here, but I can’t send anything out.” So much for getting help from Luna… That also meant no help from the naga, Twilight, any of the cat people that could get here in time to do anything, or any of the surviving ponies that fled Egypt.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

Shortly after Rarity and I had our little talk about the penalties for treason, she spoke up again. At the time, I had my right wing over her back, covering her and holding her against me to keep us both warm. That cell was really cold. I think the guards were doing it on purpose, sadistic bastards.

Rarity said, “I don’t want to die like this...”

Before she could continue, I said, “I don’t want to die at all. Could be worse; at least we aren’t alone.”

“That’s the thing, Nav! They’ll probably separate us if we’re going to be killed soon! And they’ll definitely separate us if we’re to be sentenced to life!”

“Well, that’s going to suck. Maybe we should have tried harder to capture Trixie, then… At least you would have had some company.” After all, Twilight said that summoning those familiar things was illegal, right?

“Capture her? Because of that little contest? Why would that end up with her in prison?” she asked. We never did tell any of them what really happened.

“Well, she turned me into a pony. That kind of sucked.”

“But… being a pony wasn’t all bad, was it?”

I slowly turned my head to her.

“I know what I did was wrong, Nav. And… I’m sorry I did it.”

I rumpled my feathers a bit, and shrugged. “Not like it matters anymore, I suppose. So how did you want to die?”

“I didn’t… But if I had to pick, I would want to die being held by the stallion I love.”

I snorted. “I can’t offer you love, but at least I’m holding you. And at least I’m warm. If they plan to kill us, we can ask that they kill us together. No reason to die alone.” I said that more to comfort her than to comfort myself. Death is death, as far as I’m concerned.

“I know you won’t love me, but…”

“But?”

She hesitated. “Well, we’re either going to die or we’re going to be locked up forever anyway… Would you make love to me, before we’re broken apart?” At the look on my face, she said, “Please, Navarone! I know you don’t exactly think the world of me, but at least give me this last request, this last comfort… For a friend, if for no other reason…”

“You’ll be able to protect yourself from pregnancies in here? I really don’t want to risk anything, not if we’re possibly going to be sentenced to life in prison.”

“I’m not in heat; there’s nothing to worry about. But if it’ll make you feel better…” Her horn glowed for a second, and a light settled inside of her. I smiled darkly, readying myself. “I don’t know if I like the looks of that…” she said, standing up with me and seeing my smile.

“I think you will. Every night for a week I spent in the loving embrace of a cat back in Egypt. I learned quite a bit from her. Even though she gave me as much choice in the matter as you and Pinkie did.” She didn’t say anything, and started to turn. As she was doing so, I started saying, “Of course, that was a cat body. A pony might be a bit different… We’ll see.” That last was said as I was looking at her backside, raised a bit in the air. Ponies, in my very limited experience, don’t know anything about foreplay.

I was going to give Rarity a brief introduction.

I took a second to study her from this new angle. I had seen it before, of course, but I didn’t remember it. I waited for her to say, “Nav, what are you—oooohhh…” I interrupted her question with my tongue. After a few days in a jail cell, she didn’t exactly taste that great, but we were given a steady diet of fruits and vegetables, so she was still sweet enough on the inside. I wasted little time making my way in to check, of course; ponies aren’t quite like humans, and don’t really need that much preparation, but I like to think my efforts were appreciated.

Her moans of pleasure certainly made me think that, at least. And when I found her small clit with my tongue and gave it some nice, special attention, I was rewarded with a gasp, followed by a moan, followed by a weak orgasm.

I pulled my mouth away. “Not even to the main event and you’re already cumming? My, my, you really are a bit of a slut, aren’t you?”

She was too busy gasping for breath to respond. She was trying to form a coherent response when I mounted her.

“Save your breath, my little jailbird. You’re going to need it.”

That was the only warning I gave her before I impaled her. I sighed lightly in pleasure; she was a nice tight fit, despite what I said. Her response was a gasp of surprise. I gently eased out and slowly pushed back in, teasing her.

“After what you did to me those years ago, I’ll admit that I was tempted to just ravish you,” I whispered into her ear as I slowly took her, weakly pushing myself deep inside of her and slowly pulling almost all the way out. “But then I remembered something Kat taught me. I think I’ll have you begging soon enough, my little toy.”

I’ll admit, this was torture on both of us. She was squeezing me perfectly, and my slow movements made sure my dick felt every ripple in her walls. But at the same time, I know I was doing even worse to her. I figured I could keep this pace up for at least fifteen minutes.

After five minutes, Rarity was already showing signs of wanting to give in. I was going so slow that she had plenty of time to catch her breath. And when she did, she started begging, just as I had predicted.

“I know—oooh—that this is so unlady-like,” a low gasp, “but… HARDER!” I didn’t respond, and kept the pace.

After another minute, she tried again. “Nav… Please! It feels so—” a very unlady-like moan cut off whatever she was going to say. I kept going, smiling. It was starting to get to me, and hearing her moans of pleasure didn’t help that much either.

A few minutes later, I realized she was trying to wait me out, thinking I was close to giving in and giving her what she wanted.

I set out to prove her wrong. I kept up the gentle, easy pace, smiling the whole time, and happily listened to her try to stifle her moans and gasps.

After a grueling ten minutes of that, she just gave in completely. She practically wailed at me, “Anything! I’ll give you anything! Just stop torturing me! Please!”

“Anything?” I gently whispered into her ear. She weakly moaned in response.

I quickly picked up the pace. When she started bucking her hips in response, I knew I was where she needed me. It took us a few seconds to match rhythms, but when we did it made the wait worthwhile. God, but Rarity felt wonderful. And the knowledge that we were going to die soon… Well, it gave me incentive to make it last and make it great.

I think Rarity appreciated my efforts. Not a minute after we started going at it in earnest, she came again. I felt the spasms all over my shaft as I ravaged her, and knew I was close to giving in myself.

To prove I was still in control, I managed to hold on until her orgasm was over to cum. When her small aftershocks finally stopped, I thrust in as deep as I could get and filled her as full as I could, leaving my hot seed deep inside. I felt my wings shoot out. For a few seconds, there was only the sound of her gasps and my deep breathing. Then, slowly, I slid my softening stallion-hood out of her. She let out a small sigh of approval.

When I was fully out, her back legs buckled, and she fell on her stomach. I lied at her side and spread my wing back over her. The only sign we had moved from when we started was the small stain leaking from her pussy, dribbling to the floor.

“Navarone,” she finally gasped, “you’re evil…”

“I figured you would approve.”

“That was…” she stopped.

I tried finishing for her, “Worth being your last time?”

She nuzzled me weakly and smiled. “Not quite how I was going to put it, but if I died now I don’t know that I would mind…” At least that’s one of us.

“Now, about that anything you promised me…”

“Oh come on, Nav! That was under duress and you know it!”

“If we survive and somehow get out of this, no more fashion for me.”

“If what we have to look forward to is a cell block, I think I agree, actually.” There was a lull in the conversation, when she asked, “What was that thing you did, when we first started?”

I explained foreplay to her. When I finished, she said, “That sounds so… crude! But it felt so, soo good! Is there something similar that mares can do to stallions?”

“Yes. There were whole books written on the subject back in my world. There are all manner of positions, including some where both parties can stimulate each other at the same time.”

“How… how does it work?” she weakly asked.

“I would offer to show you, but I’m going to need a bit of recharge time.”

She rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like ‘Stallions!’ Her horn glowed briefly, and then she lightly touched me with it. “Better?” she asked.

I most definitely was feeling better.

I stretched a bit, and said, “Before we get started… um, clean yourself out a bit.”

“Wha—oh.” She looked and saw that she was still leaking. “This is all your fault, you know!”

“Yes, it is my fault that your last request was sex. Well, second-to-last.” I looked away while she did… something… to mostly clean herself up. I had to think of something to get me hard again anyway; ponies have nothing for me.

“Ready?” she finally asked. I turned to look at her. Despite the few days in a grimy jail cell, her purple mane still practically shined in the weak light, and still retained its basic shape. Her eyes were lit up a bit, despite the circumstances. Her determination touched me. I nodded.

“So how is this going to work?” she asked. I lied down on my back, fully exhibiting my shaft.

“I hope you don’t have much of a gag reflex,” I said. “Lay down on my chest, so we’re angled opposite ways.”

“…what?” she finally asked, looking at me like a retard.

I sighed. “Put your head,” I pointed at her head, “to my head,” I pointed at the tip of my dick.

She giggled slightly. “Well, I’m glad you never said you were a gentle-colt…” she said, and then did as I said.

“So do I just sort of… lick it?” she asked, when she got settled on top of me.

“If you were a human, you would open wide and suck it, lick it, and all manner of other things. I don’t know how wide you can open your mouth, though, and it’s—” My breath caught. Apparently, she can open her mouth wider than I thought.

She only took the first few inches, at the start; I don’t imagine she was used to having anything like that in her. Either way, I wasn’t complaining. At least, not until… “Hey, no teeth!” I yelled, and shuddered. She grunted by way of apology, and continued.

I took a look at what was in front of me, and figured I could return the favor. One good thing about this pony body was that my head had quite a bit of maneuverability. Despite Rarity being several inches smaller than me, I was able to dip my head in close enough to get my tongue at her pussy. As soon as I dipped my tongue in her honeypot, she answered with a deep moan that I felt all along my shaft.

She was hardly a pro, but she took to the job with relish. I answered her efforts with my own private battle. We went back and forth like that for a good while. I viciously attacked her clit, and she did her best to deep throat me, without even knowing the term for it. My efforts were eventually rewarded with her gently squirting in my face.

I smiled and slowly lapped the liquids off her and my face, and then continued on. I was getting close, but still had a small ways to go…

Not a minute after that thought hit me, Rarity did… something… with her tongue. I lost it immediately and came fully in her mouth. She gave a grunt of surprise, and I imagine she widened her eyes. She took it like a champ, though: Swallowed every drop, and tried to suck more out of me. With all the fruits I had been eating over the past few days, I imagined my cum was pretty sweet tasting.

Eventually, I gently eased myself out of her, and lifted her off my chest. “That’s enough, Rarity. I’m spent.”

She huffed, but said, “Is that anything like how your human girls do it?”

“Rarity… are you jealous?” That would be quite a tale to tell back home. A girl that got mad because she didn’t know how to give a blowjob.

She quickly answered, “No! Of course not.” After seeing my look, though, she said, “Well, it just doesn’t seem fair to me! Why would you humans come up with something like this while we had no idea?”

“Because humans often use sex to relieve stress and have fun and other things like that. And it’s somewhat stigmatized, so we have to come up with ways to do it quickly, or hide it or something like that. So we have all kinds of methods for it.” We lay back down in our original positions. Sex was a great way to warm the blood, but it was still very cold in there.

“It’s a shame we’re going to be separated soon, then… If we somehow get out, and this all ended up as the result of a mistake… Would you be willing to show me more?”

I looked at her, looking at me with her wide blue eyes, a gentle sparkle in them betraying her nervous hope. “If we survive, and you still want it, I’ll show you some.”

Of course, I didn’t get to keep that promise.

(Sex is over)

After making us cool our heels—or hooves, in this case—for a day, Celestia came by the cell to deliver our sentence. I didn’t know at the time why she did it there instead of in the court, but at the time I also didn’t care.

When she walked in, I greeted her: “Howdy, Big C! I don’t suppose you’re here to change your mind?”

“That’s a rather irreverent way to greet somepony who holds your fate,” she answered, glaring down at me.

“Well,” I answered, “you already know that if you sentence me to life in prison, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to exile as a pony, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to death, then I might kill myself just to spite you.

“And if I make sure you have no ways of killing yourself in your cell?”

“You should never underestimate the human mind when it comes to planning violence. I will find a way to die, if it comes to that.”

“That’s a shame. I came here to sentence you to life.”

Rarity started whimpering and crying. I replied, “You monster!”

“You finished?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. What kind of life?”

“Whatever kind of life you’ll make for yourselves. You’re free to go. I don’t even know why you were arrested. Probably some archaic law invoked by that noblewoman you spurned. I only pronounced you guilty to see what would happen. I’ve never been able to do that before!”

“Cool, when can we leave?”

Rarity, however, was not at all cool with it. “You… WHAT! What kind of immortal princess are you?”

“The kind that gets bored a lot,” I answered for her. “Duh. Let’s go, Rarity. And no more fashion stuff for me.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, though. Rarity was in full blown psycho mode. Celestia ended up silencing her with magic and I led her away. It was kind of funny.

But I knew it would be a bad idea to let her know Celestia was like that. When we got them apart, I said to Celestia, “We should probably find a way to make her forget this trial and arrest happened. And we should also probably find me some clothes and turn me human again, but that can wait until I get home, I guess.”

“I agree about making her forget. Some ponies just can’t handle having a leader that gets bored sometimes. One day I’ll have to tell you about the time I spent a year disguised as a chair, just to see what would happen when I disappeared for so long.”

Oh man, the wrong sister fell in love with me… “Celestia, you’re awesome.”

Celestia used her magic to put a still fuming Rarity to sleep, and made her forget the past few days. Then she put us on the train and sent us back to Ponyville. I suppose it was an interesting way to spend a week and a half.

When we got back, I poked Rarity until she woke up, managed to convince her she was too stressed if she didn’t remember those days, told her not to worry about it, walked her back to her home, and then got myself turned back into a human.

When asked by Twilight how it was, I just said, “Never again.” To both being a pony and the fashion industry, I was hoping; I was tired of both, and this was the longest time I had spent in that form yet. If that fashion chick came back around here trying to find my pony body, I had plans to hole up on a cloud with my crossbow and dare her to come and get me.

I was tempted to brag to Spike about my temporary closeness with Rarity, but she didn’t remember and he was being dickish enough as it was. Seriously, I needed to go into the forest soon to kill something for us both. It was only my previous experience trying to hunt in there that stopped me. Well, that and the risk of killing one of Fluttershy’s friends.

Not much really happened from that point until during Winter Wrap Up, and I only include this because I feel it is sadly necessary.

Yes, reader, I write about the time I finally got caught in the magic of the song.

Now, I had seen several of these songs happen in the past. The first year’s Winter Wrap Up, on the boats to and from Africa, a bunch of Pinkie Pie’s songs that she seems to make up and practice all the time, and when we got all the ponies in Ponyville trashed—though I don’t remember that one either.

Anyway, I was in my second Winter Wrap Up, on my third year in Ponyland, when I got caught in the damn singing magic. I was the first one, you see, so I didn’t have time to build up any resistance to it.

Basically, as soon as I stepped outside Twilight’s house, I was punched in the face by the song magic. There’s not any other way I could really describe it. I know my voice sounded considerably better than it was supposed to, and it fit perfectly with what everyone else was singing, but I was definitely the first one to start it.

Dude, I don’t even want to talk about what it was we sang about. I will say, though, that it was a lot darker than the usual pony songs, but not necessarily in a bad way. It gave hints at the Luna situation, the Kat situation, and my time as Egill, but no specifics. I have no idea how the ponies managed to keep up or how any of it fit together, but I guess that’s magic for you. It was also fitting for winter, though maybe not for a day that was supposed to be happy.

It did end on a very pleasant note, however, with Fluttershy popping in about a better tomorrow and a coming spring. I find myself hoping as I write this that the message imparted there would be true, and that the going would get easier. But I never did believe in storybook endings.

If nothing else, I was hoping I wouldn’t run into any more psycho women.

Oh, and a side note, in case anyone reading this is wondering: Whenever you get caught up in the song magic, none of the ponies will ever hold anything you sing about against you. It is mostly uncontrollable and it’s impossible to determine who might be the next victim, so there’s the unofficial rule that anything sung about will never be asked about or brought up. Not like anyone is reading this, though.

The rest of Winter Wrap Up was pretty chill. I helped Fluttershy again, since that was pretty much all I knew. The animals were getting used to me anyway.

Still, fuck singing.

Oh, and Pinkie Pie did throw me a party for my birthday. Sadly, for a twenty-first birthday, there was very little drinking, and none of what was done was alcoholic. We used almost all of the booze for the big returning home party, and the rest was saved up in case I needed it for anything that wasn’t drinking related.

It was one of her typical parties, with hooting and hollering and all that carrying on. I pretended to enjoy it to humor her, but I really don’t much care for stuff like that. Never did.

Chapter Twenty-Two—Dammit Twilight. Also, fuck dragons.

Chapter Twenty-Two—Dammit Twilight. Also, fuck dragons.

I woke one morning to Twilight standing over me with a smile on her face. I really want to say that this was unusual, but she did that a lot. Sometimes her smile was scary, sometimes it was warmer. It always meant she wanted or needed something.

Today, her smile was relatively neutral. “Want to help me dig a trench?” she sweetly asked.

“No,” I said, sitting up. “Let me get my gloves. Where are we putting it?” I started going through my drawers looking for my trusty leather gloves. They were old and getting damaged, but I wasn’t going to use a shovel without them.

“Just outside town,” she answered. “The dragon migration is today, and we all want to watch it without fear of being seen or attacked.”

“Isn’t Fluttershy terrified of dragons?” I asked as I pulled the gloves out and slipped them into a pocket—I don’t sleep in pajamas, just in what I wear during the day. And there was no reason to change if I was about to get sweaty by digging a trench.

Look, I’m a guy. I get to have liberties like this.

“I’m sure she’ll come around. This is a once in a lifetime event!” she answered. I followed her down the stairs and out the door. Spike, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie were waiting for us outside. “Lead Navarone to where we’re going to set up, girls. Spike and I will find Rainbow Dash and go talk to Fluttershy.”

Spike gave Rarity one last look before he walked off with Twilight. Rarity was staring at me in disdain. “Navarone, is that what you wore yesterday?”

“It might not be,” I answered. She was wearing a suit of camo finery. It was somewhat humorous.

Pinkie was grinning ear to ear, as usual. “Leave off, Rarity!” she said. “We’re going to see dragons! There’s no time to worry about changing today!”

“Pinkie has the right idea,” I said. “Now lead the way. I apparently have a trench to help dig.”

Rarity just shook her head sadly and bemoaned the fact that she was surrounded by those with no sense of fashion. It was a pretty whiney speech, and I don’t feel like writing it down. At least she did it while we were walking.

She was launching into another set of complaints when I turned to Pinkie. “I have never asked you this before, and I will deny it if you ever tell anyone I did, but can you start singing to shut her up?”

Pinkie’s smile somehow grew wider as she launched into some song or another. I didn’t really pay attention, but I knew it shut Rarity up. Then Pinkie mysteriously disappeared and started showing up in places that shouldn’t be possible, but I had seen all of that before as well so it didn’t faze me too much. Either way, the song didn’t stop so Rarity was still forced to be quiet, though it didn’t stop her from glowering angrily at me.

By the time Pinkie’s song was over, we were there. Applejack already had a few shovels set up and was working on the trench. I grabbed one and joined her.

Shovels in this world… they seem to be designed for humans rather than for ponies. I have absolutely no idea how Applejack was using it, and I was watching her do it. I just started at the other end of the marked zone and hoped to meet her in the middle.

Before we got there, Rainbow Dash and Twilight showed up with no Fluttershy. Spike apparently went back to grab refreshments or something. Twilight grabbed one of the shovels with magic and started clearing the middle of the trench.

“Why don’t you just magic all the dirt out of the way?” I asked, my voice weary.

Rainbow Dash face-hoofed and Twilight blushed. Her shovel dropped to the ground and all the remaining dirt lifted up and dropped some distance away. Well, that was a waste of effort on the parts of me and Applejack. I just threw my shovel into the ground in disgust and leaned against the trench wall. After a moment, I slipped my gloves off and slid them into a pocket. The ponies jumped in, making the area as homey as possible for some reason. I had a suspicion that as soon as we were done, the hole would be filled in again, but whatever.

We waited a bit, the girls talking of some inane thing or another. I was just watching the skies, waiting to see a large cloud of dragons coming at us. Spike showed up at some point, but I didn’t really pay much attention until he stopped a little trolley full of foodstuffs in front of me.

I looked down at him, to see him casting furtive glances at the sky. “Well Spike,” I said, “you wanted to learn more about dragons. I suggest watching them closely.” I grabbed something off the trolley. “If nothing else, you’ll always be a bitchin’ cook.”

He nodded slightly.

Pinkie was suddenly in my face. “I’ve never heard you use that word before! What’s it mean?” Man, we humans have way too many ways of saying something’s good.

“It’s a thing you shouldn’t say,” I answered. “You’re too young and innocent.”

“And you’re not?” she asked, her hair and smile drooping slightly.

I patted her on the head. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” How old were these ponies, anyway? I had been to several birthday parties, but I had never heard any mention of age.

She was about to say something else when Twilight got everyone’s attention. “They’re coming!” she squealed with glee. All of the ponies hunkered down, trying to maximize their visibility while minimizing their chances of getting seen by a dragon. I don’t know how that was supposed to work, given the dragons were flying above us, but whatever. I just sat down and watched.

It was pretty cool, watching them all fly above us. We got to see a few of them get in fights, jockeying for position. Twilight was taking notes, Rainbow Dash was talking all about their flying abilities to Applejack, and Rarity was commenting on how they looked to Pinkie Pie. Spike was just staring in wonder.

I don’t know how long we were out there, but the dragons just kept coming. After some time, Spike nodded to himself and whipped the covering off the second part of the trolley. He started pulling things out. The others were still watching the dragons, but I turned my gaze down just in time to catch my crossbow being thrust at me. I reflexively grabbed it.

I looked down at Spike and saw the look on his face. I smiled and slung the crossbow over my shoulder. He passed me several belts of knives and a very full quiver. When I had all of my equipment, he started shoving food from the trolley into the cloth he had it covered with. When it was as full as he could get it, he finally looked around for something. With a smile, he grabbed the shovel and bagged the cloth up and tied it to the end. He looked like a grave robbing hobo when he hefted it over his shoulder, but it was funny.

“Are you sure about this?” I finally asked him.

“I’ve never been more sure,” he answered, nodding grimly.

The girls finally noticed what we were doing. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked, looking at all of my weapons in confusion. Her eyes went to Spike’s bindle and widened considerably. “What do you two think you’re doing?”

“Going for a walk,” I innocently replied.

“Yeah,” Spike added. “We might be home late, so don’t stay up waiting.”

Twilight didn’t much care for that. “And what does that mean?” she demanded.

“It means we’re going on a walk, and for you to not expect us back soon,” I said. “We’ll be back when we get back, and not a second sooner.”

“You’re NOT thinking about following those rough beasts, are you?” Rarity simpered.

I looked at her for a moment, turned my gaze down to Spike, and looked back up to her. “I’m not thinking about doing anything. I know what we’re going to do, though.”

“They’ll tear you apart!” Rainbow Dash said.

I shrugged. “Spike wants to go. He might need help getting to them. If he needs my help, I’m going to make sure he gets it. I’m loyal like that, you see.” Nothing she could say to that.

“She’s right, sugar cube,” Applejack said. “Them dragons are dangerous! There ain’t no tellin’ what they might do to y’all.”

Spike’s turn to answer: “I’m going all the same. I want to know more about myself, and if none of you ponies are willing to help me, I’ll have to do it myself.” He paused. “With Nav’s help, of course.”

Twilight looked us both up and down. Spike was glaring at them all. I was just standing easily, leaning slightly against the wall. I was probably wearing a smile, but I couldn’t tell for sure. “This is stupid,” she finally said. “But I won’t stop you.” She thrust her book of notes at me. “Just take notes!” I slipped the book, her quill, and the ink bottle in a large pocket. I love cargo pants.

Most of the others stared at her in surprise. Pinkie just jumped back in my face somehow and dropped a bag of confectioneries on me. “Come back safe!” she merrily said.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” I answered, shouldering the bag of goods. “We’ll be fine.” I stepped out of the trench and pulled Spike up. “We’ll be back when we’re back,” I told them.

Without another word, Spike and I took our leave, following the dragons. Before we were out of earshot, I leaned down a bit to Spike and said loud enough for them to hear, “They’re going to follow us.” He shrugged.

We followed the trail of dragons for two days, sleeping where we could and scrounging up food when we ran out. I shot some small game and stripped it down and Spike cooked it as we walked. I know the girls behind us were probably sickened by that, but I didn’t really care.

They were really, really bad at following us. I pointed them out several times to Spike, and we turned and waved several times, to see them scrambling away to hiding spots. I only saw Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. I know Pinkie and Applejack have real jobs to attend to, so they probably stayed behind. Although… if Pinkie was trying to track us, I would probably never see her until she was right in front of my face.

We finally made it to the edge of a large mountain that looked like a volcano. There were dragons everywhere above us, flying and fighting and whatnot.

“Well, we’re here,” I said. He started climbing the volcano. I grabbed him. “Spike, this is your last chance. If you go up there, things might change. Are you sure you want to do this?”

He looked at me. “Absolutely,” he answered.

I let him go. “Lead the way. I won’t go over the lip unless you want me to, but I’ll at least pull recon with you.”

He started back up and I followed him. It took us more time than it should have to get up the side, but given that it was a sheer rock face I don’t think it was that bad. We were both panting by the time we got there. I would have flown, and flown some on the way in, but I didn’t know if any of the dragons above us would have attacked me thinking I was something worth eating.

We laid against the top, looking down into the massive area in front of us. We saw all manner of dragons doing all manner of things. Some were wrestling, some were actually fighting, some were talking, some were hoarding, some were relaxing, some wer—I turned my gaze away, and made sure Spike wasn’t watching either.

He pointed to a group of dragons that were smaller than most of the ‘adult’ dragons. They looked to be more violent than most of the other dragons, and seemed to be challenging each other to all manner of things. “I think they would be a good place to start,” he said. “They’re only a little bit bigger than I am, and might be more willing to talk because of it.”

“Hold on,” I answered. “Let’s watch a bit longer.” He sighed and his gaze wandered. I watched the group he pointed out. They were definitely doing a lot more physical stuff than the others. They reminded me of… “Teenagers,” I said aloud. Spike’s gaze jerked back to me. “Those dragons down there are teenagers, Spike. Whatever you do, avoid that group.”

“So what’s wrong with teenagers?” he asked.

“They’ll be mean to you for the sake of seeing you suffer, if I judged their group correctly. They might bully you, try to get you to do things you can’t, attempt to steal from you, or who knows what else. Just avoid them, is all. Try to find a small group of adults.” He sighed.

It took us half an hour to find a pair I would feel comfortable sending Spike to. I pointed them out. “They might be a safe bet,” I told him. “They seem like a young couple to me, and might be willing to talk to you.”

“I don’t know, Nav. They seem pretty… boring.”

They did. They were just looking around, seeming somewhat lost themselves. But they were definitely dragons and they were older than Spike, so it would be better than nothing.

“Just talk to them. Maybe they’ll be able to either help you or point you to someone who can.”

He looked at them and then back to me. “I don’t suppose… Can you come with me?”

That was the question I didn’t want to hear. I had no idea what might happen if I appeared. I might get eaten or worse. I licked my lips nervously and looked around one more time. After a moment I reached around and pulled my crossbow out and cocked it. “Be ready to speak out for me, if I am accosted. And if any of the adults tell me to leave, I’m gone. If I do get kicked out, make sure to ask how you get your wings, if nothing else.”

With that, we stood and jumped down into the volcano proper. Most of it was covered in stone, with only the occasional breaks showing magma—or lava? I don’t know which. Honestly, I expected every one of the dragons to immediately turn my way as soon as I made myself visible. Thankfully, none of them seemed to notice us immediately.

We began a steady pace toward the couple I pointed out, doing our best to skirt around the other dragons in our way. I was starting to be noticed, but I didn’t see anyone looking at me in anger. I drummed my fingers along the crossbow nervously, seeing several dragons turn their gazes my way. I wasn’t expecting the crossbow to be able to do much damage to them other than piss them off, but… I wasn’t about to let myself be eaten—at least, not eaten alive.

The two we were walking to noticed us now. I saw Spike was staring dead at them. My eyes were trying to look everywhere at once: I was in dragon country, and there was no stopping here.

We made it to the dragon couple after nearly ten minutes of walking, and I was pretty sure every dragon here had looked us over at least once. I was starting to sweat from nervousness. At least back in Egypt, I was hidden from eyes. Here, I was standing in plain sight and everyone was looking at me.

“Can we help you?” the male dragon rumbled at us when we stopped a few feet in front of them.

We stared at them for a moment. Spike looked up to me. I gulped. “My uh… My friend would like to ask you some questions, if you wouldn’t mind.” Dragons, if you didn’t know, are huge. Those ‘teenage’ dragons were bigger than I am. They were bigger than the naga. These dragons we were talking to were about three times the size of the teens.

The male dragon turned to look at his female companion. After a moment he turned back to us with a smile of sorts. “What kind of questions would he like to ask?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to respond when Spike finally spoke up: “I want to know who I am!” he said. “No pony knows anything about dragons, so I came here to find out more about myself.”

The male laughed. “No pony?” the male wheezed. “You truly don’t know anything, do you?”

The female stuck a claw on the male’s shoulders. She looked down at Spike, “Little one, where were you hatched?”

“Canterlot, in a magic school,” he answered, his voice cracking. I couldn’t stop from ruffling my wings slightly when I heard his voice.

Their smiles dropped. “You don’t know your parents, do you?” the male asked. Spike shook his head, dropping his gaze. I slung my crossbow and put my hand on his head. The male turned to me. “And what is your part in this, creature?” he growled. “Were you one of those that hatched him?”

“No, I know nothing of magic or dragons. He asked for my help to get here, and I got him here. Hell, I’m in a similar predicament as him; the ponies brought me here as well, and I’ve been stuck among them ever since.”

“Filthy magic!” the female hissed. “When will they learn not to delve into things they have no place in?”

“Whenever they start paying for their actions,” I answered. “Would you mind answering questions for him?”

They both looked down at Spike. The male looked up to me and said, “Of course we will. However, some things can’t be spoken of while another race is around. My mate will give you a tour of the area while I talk to your friend.”

I don’t think I could have said no to that if I tried. “I will not be attacked by any of the dragons, will I?” I asked.

“You might be questioned,” the female answered. “But none will attack you if you are in the company of a dragon.”

“Very well,” I said. Before another word could be said, one of the female’s claws shot out, snatched me, and we were suddenly airborne. This was not going at all as I was expecting it to. “I have wings!” I tried shouting up at her. Her only reply was laughter. I just sighed and looked around at the world. It was quite a harrowing sight, as we were moving considerably faster than I could myself.

Thankfully, she set down on a small mountain a few miles away from where we left Spike. She did not, however, let me go. “Tell me more about the little one, creature,” she said, holding me up to her face.

“He is working as an assistant to the unicorn that hatched him with magic,” I answered. “He has several friends where he lives and works. He even has a crush on one of the ponies. I don’t suppose you could let me go?”

“I will. Later. What kind of work does he do as an assistant?”

“Cook, clean, make sure the mind of his unicorn stays down-to-earth. His unicorn lives in a library, and there is a lot of organization to be done. He is quite invaluable. I really don’t like being constricted. Can you at least loosen your grip?”

She did that much, at least. I was able to move around easier, and spread my wings a bit. She noticed that, and drew one of the claws from another hand across them gently. My body went a bit stiff as my mind had flashbacks from Kat. “Feathers are quite interesting little things,” she said. Her claw reached the end of my wings and she gently clamped the end of the wing down and gave it a little pull. I flinched. “Oh, does that hurt?”

“Opposite of hurt, actually,” I said, grimacing. “You have a mate, so I would appreciate you not touching my wings.” I folded them as best I could against me.

“My apologies, creature,” she said, withdrawing her hand. “I did not realize. I have more questions, if you are willing to answer them.”

“Ask. If I know answers, I will give them.”

“Do you know Celestia?”

“Yes, I do.”

“What can you tell me about her?”

“She’s old and powerful and rather kind. She definitely knows how to rule, and I know that I am not in a hurry to piss her off.”

She nodded. “Now what can you tell me about yourself?”

“I am a human, accidentally summoned here by the little dragon’s unicorn. Pretty early on I was involved in a magical accident and ended up with wings on my back.” I shrugged. “There’s really not that much to tell.”

“What is that hunk of wood you carry?”

I unslung the crossbow and hefted it lightly. “This is a weapon. It shoots darts at whatever I point it at.”

She snorted. “And do you really think that would help you against a dragon?”

“No, but I wasn’t planning on using it against a dragon. If I was attacked, I wasn’t going to let myself get eaten alive.”

“I see… Tell me of your life then, human. I believe we have some time before the other two are finished.”

I told her most of what I could tell her. Nothing involving my relationships with the princesses, but she did ask for excruciating details about the Kat thing I went through. It was kind of nice, actually being able to talk with someone about that…

“And you actually want to go back to the ponies?” she asked, shocked, when I finished.

“Stockholm syndrome kicked in some time back,” I answered with a shrug. “And unless I have some way of nullifying magic, I don’t think I could stay away; Celestia or Luna would just pull me back eventually.”

“Even if you didn’t want to go back? I thought you said they were kind.”

“If they don’t need me, yeah, they are rather kind. But when I have a chance of being useful to them I don’t think they’ll let me hide somewhere else.”

“That sounds rather… cruel, to me,” she answered.

“Someone has to help them. I suppose it is better that it is someone like me who has no place than one of her own kind that has a family.”

She shook her head. “Foolish. If Celestia cannot do her own dirty work, why does she deserve to have someone else do it for her?”

“I see where you are coming from, and you do have a point, but just because she doesn’t handle the dark work doesn’t mean she can’t. Being the ruler of around half the planet is a very busy venture. No one can do everything themselves, even if they are as powerful as she is.”

“She has you brainwashed,” the dragon asserted.

“Perhaps. But if I am doing good in the world, does it really matter who I do it for, or why? And if I truly am stuck in this world, it might as well be somewhere that I’m happy and somewhere that I have friends. If the price is that I occasionally have to do hard things, is that truly so much to ask?”

“You young races always seek to find purpose in your lives. You always seek to live for something! Is not the simple act of living enough for you?”

“Maybe if I could live as long as you. But with my limited life, I know I have much less of a chance to affect the world, so I have to do what I can with the time I’m given.”

She shook her head again, saying, “I’ll never understand you young ones. There’s just no reasoning with you.” She tightened her grip. “Come. I’m sure they are done talking by now.” With that, she leapt back into the air. We soared back to the main mountain.

When we got there, we found a large group of dragons surrounding two very familiar looking unicorns, a bundle of shiny cloth that looked like it might have been a costume, and Spike. We landed on the outskirts and she released me. I easily squeezed through the ranks of dragons. “It’s them or us, kiddo,” I heard the male dragon saying. “And from the looks of things, I don’t think they’ll get that far away from here either way.”

I walked out from the crowd. “You’d sentence them to death?” I asked, trying to make my voice sound like something other than terrified. “For what crime?”

Everyone’s gaze shifted to me. I saw that Twilight and Rarity were incredibly scared, and Spike was standing in front of them defensively.

“Spying. The purple one breached the laws of nature to force the hatching of Spike. The white one is ugly.” Rarity huffed rather darkly at that one. “And frankly, they look quite tasty.”

“I can’t deny that Rarity is ugly.” She gave me an evil glare. “But is that really worth sentencing her to death for?”

“No, but it helps,” the dragon answered.

“Could one not argue that all magic is a violation of nature? Why would you not kill all unicorns, rather than just this one especially?”

“Because she used her magic to force one of our own into slavery, and twisted his mind so terribly that he can’t even see his chains!”

“Can’t really deny that either… What’s so bad about spying?”

“We’re a private race,” he answered haughtily.

“Fair enough. Twilight, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

She looked at me blankly. “You’re terrible at this.”

“Well, yeah. You’re guilty as sin. My question is, why the fuck haven’t you teleported away yet?”

She blinked. Without another word, the three of them disappeared, leaving me alone in the center of a group of very angry dragons. “Aw shit…” I looked around. All the dragons were staring at the spot where the ponies had just been. I very quietly started backing into the circle of dragons, hoping to get away before any of them noticed.

“GET HIM!” one of them shouted.

I began running through the group of large monsters, their sizes and relative proximities working in my advantage: They were so large and so close together that they all mashed together as I was running through them. It wasn’t until I got through the group that I started having problems.

Twilight, you traitor! I kept running, but now the dragons could actually catch me, and all of them had wings. I dodged one of the teenagers that was jumping at me, and he impacted an adult that was jumping at me from behind. They collided in midair and hit the ground with a loud thump.

I saw a large pond of magma coming up in front of me, so I just jumped and let my wings carry me over it, hoping the thermals weren’t too bad above it. A few dragons tried to jump on me from a little cliff overlooking it, but they somehow all missed and hit the lava instead. Thankfully, that stuff is so viscous that it can’t splash. There were a few piles of jewels in front of me that I decided to fly over rather than risk flying around.

That was a mistake. A number of dragons jumped out of the pile trying to get me. I swung the crossbow up to the first one and shot him dead in the face with it. It didn’t do any damage, but it did stop him from getting me. After that, though, it was empty and I didn’t have time to reload it.

So this is how it ends. Assloads of dragons on my tail and left by my friends. It could be worse, I guess: At least they won’t rape me before killing me. Though honestly, that doesn’t make me feel much better.

One of the dragons bursting out of the jewels managed to grab me from the air. “And where do you think you’re going, freak?” he asked my struggling form.

“Preferably somewhere away from here,” I answered. “I’ll give you a hug if you let me go.”

“No thanks. I think I’d prefer you more as a snack.”

He grinned widely and his snake-like tongue smacked me in the face. “Yes,” he said, “you taste pretty good.”

And then a blue blur kicked that fucker in the face. He dropped me to the pile and I jumped up as quickly as I could. “Hurry up Nav, I can’t keep them busy forever!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

My hand shot down to the pile to grab a decent sized ruby. I jammed it in my pocket and jumped off the pile to let my wings kick in.

“Come on, slowpoke!” Rainbow Dash yelled, flitting around me. “They’re catching up!”

“These wings aren’t made for speed, dammit!” I yelled. Thankfully, we were approaching the lip of the volcano. That meant there was a pretty steep decline coming up, and once we hit the bottom of that there were a lot of trees. I was hoping we could lose them in that mess.

We cleared the lip easily, but what followed us was a whole lot of fire. I know my clothes were singed and I think I lost most of the hair on my back and my legs. Rainbow Dash lost a large chunk of her tail.

We fell down the mountain with style, just barely managing to stay in the air. Nothing followed us, probably thinking us dead from the fire. By all rights, we should have been. Thankfully, since Rainbow Dash was with me, I was mostly exempt from the rules of life and death. We flew a few miles into the forest before we landed next to a slow river.

“That was painful,” I said when we were down and I was in the river, soaking my fucked up body. My legs were blistered pretty badly and I don’t think I could walk that far. My wings were singed but still working.

“You’re just lucky I was there to save you,” Rainbow Dash answered. “That dragon would have eaten you like you were nothing!”

“I wouldn’t have been in that situation if Twilight hadn’t left me behind,” I said, sighing lightly as the water worked its way into my clothes. What she did to me was pretty much a death sentence that I had no right to survive. I wonder if she realized that.

“I’m sure she had a good reason,” she said, jumping in the river with me. She immediately started flowing away until I grabbed what was left of her tail and pulled her over to me. “I meant to do that,” she said with a small blush when I had her anchored next to me.

“Of course you did. So why weren’t you in the circle with the other two?”

“Because I was making sure that dragon didn’t take you away to be eaten!” she answered. “When we saw her grab you and fly away, we knew we couldn’t just let you die like that. So I went to follow you. It’s a good thing we came, too! If I hadn’t been there, I know you wouldn’t have gotten off that mountain.”

“If you three hadn’t been there, the need to get away never would have come up. The crisis appeared when the other two were caught. We were doing just fine until then.”

Rainbow Dash blushed again, and didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes of lounging back in the water and soaking my burns, she said, “We should probably get going, Nav. I don’t know if those dragons might decide to go looking for us…”

I sighed. “I know. I just really don’t feel like moving because I know as soon as I get out, all of my everything is going to hurt.”

“Well… No pain, no getting away from pony-eating dragons.” I don’t think that’s quite how the saying is supposed to go. I gently pushed myself to a standing position and immediately regretted it. I couldn’t get in the air like this, not unless I was already up there.

“You’re going to have to help me get in the air,” I told her. “I can’t run and jump in this state.”

“Psh, lazy!” She jumped out of the water and into the air with ease. She ruined it by grimacing, though. “Well, maybe not so lazy.” I knew her ass was probably a bit singed, as closely as her tail was cropped. She flew up to me and grabbed me under the arms and pulled us above the trees. When we were high enough, she let me go and we started flying back home.

It took us most of a day to get back, and we beat the others home. We both decided to visit Fluttershy’s place to see if she had anything for burns.

“What happened to you?” she asked in a horrified tone when she saw us.

Rainbow Dash gave a sheepish smile. “You were right about dragons,” she answered. I didn’t really want to know. “Do you have anything to fight burns? Nav here can barely stand!”

“Right, and Rainbow Dash can’t sit down,” I added. I heard Rainbow grind her teeth slightly at that.

“Come in!” Fluttershy demanded, her caretaker mode kicking in. “Get comfortable, you’re both going to be here awhile.”

“I can’t be here long, I have weather to control!” Rainbow Dash tried saying.

Fluttershy just looked at her and pointed in her house. With a sigh and some grumbles, Rainbow Dash went in and plopped herself down on the couch. I limped inside, Fluttershy at my side with a worried expression on her face. I couldn’t really sit down either, given that most of my back was pretty crispy. I settled for falling on the floor. I tried controlling it, but when I started down I ended up not stopping until it was a bit too late.

Rainbow Dash giggled until Fluttershy shot her another glare. Fluttershy quickly jumped to my side, making sure I was fine. She propped a pillow under my head and went off to get something or another.

“So what was that thing you grabbed from the pile, anyway?” Rainbow Dash asked me.

I pulled the jewel from my pocket. “Just some ruby or something,” I answered. “I figured I could give it to Rarity to make her shut up when she gets back and starts whining at me for calling her ugly.”

Rainbow Dash gaped. “You called her ugly? You’ll never make her shut up from that, Nav!”

“I’m sure I’ll figure something out,” I said, putting the gem back in my pocket. “I wonder when they’ll get back. Twilight could probably have this mess healed up right quick.”

She just sighed and buried her face in the couch. I quite knew that feeling, and I sagged down further into the floor. It was nice to not be moving again.

Fluttershy quickly came out of the kitchen, carrying some bottles of cream or something. She came to me first since I was considerably worse off than Rainbow Dash. She gasped when she saw my burns. “How did you get back like this?” she quietly asked.

“Painfully,” I answered.

She didn’t say anything else, just began gently rubbing some stuff on the backs of my legs where the pants had burned off. The cream stuff was very cold and I shivered lightly. “Don’t you worry about a thing, Nav,” she said. “This’ll fix you right up!” I think she took longer than she really needed to, applying everything, but I wasn’t going to fault her for being thorough. “You’re so smooth,” she whispered lightly.

“What was that?” Rainbow Dash asked, giggling lightly.

Fluttershy gave off a ridiculously cute little “Eep!” and turned bright red. “N-n-nothing!” she stammered, pulling her hoof away from me. After a moment of hearing Rainbow Dash giggle, she sighed and started rubbing the lotion in again. She finished me up shortly after and started on Rainbow Dash, which didn’t take nearly as long.

“So when can we go home?” Rainbow asked when everything was applied to her.

“When you’re good and healed,” Fluttershy answered with a smile and a nod. “Now, I bet you two are hungry!”

Well, I know I was. I didn’t really feel like intrud—“You bet I am!” Rainbow Dash said with glee.

I sighed. “If it wouldn’t be a bother, I suppose,” I added. “It has been a little while since I last ate.”

Rainbow Dash glared down at me. “Yeah, and it was meat! What’s wrong with you, Nav?”

I opened my mouth to explain, but Fluttershy beat me to it: “Some creatures are omnivores, Rainbow Dash. You shouldn’t judge.”

Rainbow Dash and I were both surprised at that. “But… He was eating animals!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“Turtles eat fish,” Fluttershy quietly replied. Rainbow Dash has a pet turtle, you see. No, I’m not certain how that works.

“That’s… that’s different…” Rainbow uttered.

Rainbow Dash was still looking pretty disgusted. I can honestly understand that, truth be told, but it was still a bit disheartening. I turned to her and said, “If it makes you feel any better, we tried talking to all of them first. In fact, we told each one if they wanted to survive to run away. Not a one of them did; none of them were sapient.” She snorted. I shrugged. “I don’t care what you think of me; I don’t kill to eat sapient species unless I am starving. I’m not a monster, and if you haven’t realized that by now, I don’t think you ever will.”

She sighed. “I know you aren’t, Nav… It’s just surprising, is all.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Now, how about I fix you two something to eat?”

“Just don’t get the meals confused,” Rainbow Dash warned.

“Oh no, I don’t know how to cook meat,” Fluttershy answered. “And I don’t have any on hoof anyway.” With that she went back to her little kitchen.

I turned to Rainbow Dash. “Besides, I’m not the only one that likes to eat mares,” I said with a shit-eating grin. She turned several shades of red and started choking. I giggled and settled back down.

“You can be a real jerk sometimes, Nav,” she said when she finally got control of herself again.

“Yep. It’s a lot of fun.”

After a few minutes she sighed. “This waiting is really going to suck. This is why you don’t provoke dragons, Nav!”

“It’s not my fault Twilight left me behind!” Well, that’s not entirely true. I was kind of mean. Still, it wasn’t my fault Twilight was being stupid enough to stand around when a bunch of dragons were about to attack her.

Whatever she was going to say was lost as Fluttershy came back in with a tray of bowls on her back. She somehow gave me and Rainbow Dash both a bowl of soup. It was pretty awesome tasting.

“Fluttershy, why are you so awesome?” I asked as I finished the bowl off—uncomfortably, given my position on my stomach on the floor.

“Oh, you know…” she whispered, idly pawing at her floor and trying to not meet my gaze.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “She’s not awesome, Nav. She’s cool. Geez, get it right!”

“We only had one system for that back where I come from. Awesome and cool meant the same thing.”

She looked at me with disbelief. “I bet that’s just what the others told you so you wouldn’t feel left out.” She looked back to her bowl and finished it off with an incredibly loud slurping noise. “Still, this soup was pretty awesome. Keep it up and you might be both cool and awesome! You’ll have to work on your rad score, though.” Fluttershy nodded, wearing a bad poker-face smile.

I set the bowl aside. “So when do you think we can leave, Dr. Fluttershy?”

“Oh! Um…” She looked us both over. “Rainbow Dash can probably leave in the morning. You might be here a few days.”

“I hate being bed-ridden,” I sighed. “Or rather, floor-ridden. I’ve walked off worse. Much, much worse. I think I’ll leave in the morning as well.”

The look Fluttershy gave me.

I cannot ever—EVER—describe it.

I… I don’t even know. Terrifying comes to mind, but it doesn’t do it justice.

I burst out laughing, which caused her and Rainbow Dash both to gape in confusion. I was still giggling when Rainbow Dash finally said, “I’ve never seen that reaction to your stare before!”

“Oh, Fluttershy,” I said. “You’re just too funny. I know you would never hurt me! Glaring at me won’t change that. You’re just too huggable to be mean!” She blushed at that and Rainbow Dash joined me in giggling. “Now, I’m sure the others will be back tomorrow and Twilight can heal me up right proper.”

Fluttershy sighed.

We three were silent for a while. Rainbow Dash finally said, “So… what now?” It was only mid-afternoon or so, and there was plenty of daylight left and none of us were tired.

I turned my head to Fluttershy. “You got any board games? Or any cards? I can teach you a human game called Durak.”

They looked at each other. Rainbow Dash looked at me. “What are cards?”

My jaw dropped. “You damn ponies don’t have any kind of fun, do you?” I finally managed to ask.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “We get by. So what are cards?”

I shook my head and explained the concept. Fluttershy didn’t seem interested but Rainbow Dash did. “Just another thing for me to be the best at!” she said. “We have a few hours. Fluttershy, do you have any paper or something?”

Unfortunately, the notebook that Twilight had given me was first immolated and then immersed, so it was pretty much useless right now. I’m pretty sure the ink bottle had burst open from the fire as well, but at that point I was doing my best to not look at my legs.

Fluttershy walked over to a bookshelf that I don’t think I had ever seen before and pulled a stack of note cards down from it. “How many do you need?”

“Fifty-two,” I answered. “That’s how many are in a full deck.” Not counting the Jokers, of course. She started counting them out and set them down in front of me. She then walked back over to the bookshelf and grabbed a quill and some ink and set that down as well.

“Alright, normally there are two different colors and four different card suits, but given my limited materials I’ll just do what I can.”

And thus was born the first—really poor quality—deck of cards in Equestria. I taught them every game I knew. And I was incredibly surprised when Fluttershy managed to kick our asses at every game I showed her, as soon as she picked up the basics and the rules. Poker, Durak, Black Jack—somehow, even though it’s mostly luck—Uno, War, and Liar. Hell, she even did great at solitaire! Although I don’t know how she beat me at Liar. Rainbow Dash… She was kind of terrible, and refused to keep playing after she lost everything I showed them. She was much too brash and hot-headed for everything.

As a side note: as soon as I had the first real set of cards made, they pretty much exploded in popularity all around Equestria, and somehow—I still blame Twilight—the rules for all the human games I knew were spread around. It’s pretty interesting what happens when you take stuff like that for granted; honestly I’m surprised I never brought up card games before.

Anyway, that’s what we did until night and we finally all went to sleep. For whatever reason, Fluttershy decided to sleep downstairs with us, snuggled up against me. Rainbow Dash and I both thought it was pretty adorable, so I didn’t say anything.

Rainbow Dash and I usually sleep pretty late, so it was no surprise to me when I woke up and Fluttershy had disappeared. Rainbow Dash was still on the couch, snoring softly. My legs felt considerably better, at least. I pushed myself to my feet and was able to stand with almost no pain. I started stretching, though, and that’s when the pain hit. I knew I couldn’t walk back home without ending up in all manner of pain.

Of course, I was planning on doing it anyway because I was stubborn like that. I lowered myself back down to the floor, hoping I would feel better when Rainbow Dash woke up.

As it turns out, I didn’t. She woke up with a stretch and a yawn. “This couch is really not that comfortable,” she moaned.

“I would have traded,” I replied from on the floor. My back wasn’t feeling all that great from sleeping down there, but thankfully the floor was very clean. I don’t know how Fluttershy keeps her place clean with all the animals she has scurrying about, but she manages it.

“Nah, I think the couch was probably better. So where’s Fluttershy?”

“Fuck all if I know. I was planning on leaving when you did, though.”

“I don’t think she’ll like that, Nav.”

“Yeah, well… I don’t really care.”

“We should at least tell her bye, and thanks.”

“Like I said, I was planning on leaving when you did. Though I think she might try to stop me.”

She looked back at my legs. “From the looks of you, she should try to stop you. I don’t think you can get that far, Nav.”

“As I said yesterday: I’ve walked off worse.”

She scoffed again. “When have you ever been injured?”

“Egypt,” I answered. “Do you remember when I said that crazy cat woman went too far?”

“I didn’t know she hurt you, though!”

I started going over the things she had done to me, but Rainbow Dash shushed me after I mentioned the branding. “Never mind! So you’re tougher than you look. That still doesn’t mean you should hurt yourself when there’s nothing to gain from it.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be on Fluttershy’s floor anymore.”

She gave me a dirty smile. “I’m sure you’d rather be in her bed.”

“Well, it would be a lot more comfortable…” She gave me a flat stare. “What? I’m not attracted to ponies, remember?” She rolled her eyes.

“Well, I’m going to wait here until Fluttershy gets back. Now, how about you go over some of those card games again so I’ll have an advantage next time I play her?” I smiled and shook my head, but did as she asked.

After a while, she sighed. “…So what you’re saying is, Fluttershy’s a big cheater?”

“I don’t remember saying that, no,” I answered, not even trying to hold back my grin. “I think we might have found the one thing you’re bad at.”

She blushed lightly. “I’m not bad at anything!” she hotly said.

“You seem to be pretty bad at admitting defeat,” I answered.

“If you weren’t hurt I’d come down there and beat some sense into you!” she growled.

“You aren’t very good at arguing, either.”

“That’s it!” She poised to jump off the couch, but the sound of the door opening stopped her.

“Oh, am I… interrupting?” Fluttershy quietly asked.

Rainbow Dash muttered angrily and stood up. I pushed myself to my feet. “We just wanted to say thanks before we left,” I told her, putting on a smile.

“Yeah Fluttershy. Thanks for helping us and giving us some nice food,” Rainbow Dash added.

Fluttershy’s gaze went from Rainbow Dash to me and back again a few times before settling on me. “But you’re not going anywhere, Nav,” she finally said. “Doctor’s orders.”

“Thanks for the thought, but…” The terrifying glare from last night returned, and this time she actually flew up to my face. I couldn’t help myself and backed up a few steps. She followed.

“You’re going to lie down right now, mister,” she told me.

I reached out and hugged her and she gave an “Eep” of surprise. “I told you that you were too huggable to be mean,” I said. I let her go and her wings stopped working, dropping her to the floor. “But back home I always got told that I need to learn to pick my battles. I can easily win this, but… why? I don’t think I’ll be doing much today anyway, so I might as well spend it on your floor.”

She sighed in relief. “Now you just lay down now and let me take good care of you. You’ll be up and about in no time!”

I gave a long-suffering sigh and sank back down to the floor. Rainbow Dash chuckled before flying off. Fluttershy walked up to me and leaned her head down to my back. She sniffed lightly. “You need a bath, Nav,” she said.

“I know, Fluttershy. It has been a while, and I haven’t changed out of these clothes in a while as well.” I also kind of needed to pee.

“I just need to put this down in the kitchen and then I’ll be right back with some fresh clothes,” she said, heading towards a back room that I assume housed a kitchen. She came back out a second later. “You just stay here and rest. And no moving too much!”

With that said, she stepped back outside and I was left alone for a while. Or at least, I thought I was alone—I soon saw random animals peeping out of small hidey holes all over the room. I looked all around and saw Angel standing at the door to the kitchen. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he smiled. Slowly he raised one of his arms until it was pointing straight up. After a moment, he brought it straight down at me.

Every animal in the building pounced at me.

Thankfully, I wasn’t there anymore: As soon as I saw his arm shoot down, I pushed myself up and onto my feet. I knew I couldn’t move quickly because moving at all hurt, but at the same time I knew I couldn’t afford to move slow; there’s no telling what that psychotic bunny might do to me if he had me trapped. I used to think that rabbit was cool. What the hell was wrong with me?

With that in mind, I began hobbling up the stairs. I was pretty sure there was some manner of bathroom or shower or something up here I could lock myself in, and I needed a bath anyway. Unfortunately, I was hobbling way too slowly. A pair of birds collided with my back, which did nothing at all to slow me down and if the two thuds I heard behind me were any indication, it did more damage to them than it did to me.

Then a freaking raccoon jumped down from the top of the stairs and landed on my face, holding on as tightly as it could. I had just gotten back from running away from dragons, though, so I didn’t fall backwards in fear. I might have—or might not have, I refuse to say—screamed like a little girl and shook my head crazily to get it off. I eventually ripped it off with my hand and dropped it behind me. By then, though, three squirrels were at the top with a trip cord set up that I didn’t see until it was too late.

What the fuck is wrong with these animals? I was lying on the floor of the upper level of Fluttershy’s comfortable little abode, three squirrels and some other critters jumping on my back. I heard what I assumed was an angry bunny bounding up the stairs.

I pushed myself back to my feet, ignoring the squeaks of the squirrels on my back as they tumbled off. “Humanity conquered nature a long, long time ago,” I started saying. “And despite these damnable wings and being forced to live in Namby Pamby Ponyland for several years, I am still a human.” I was pushing my way toward what I was hoping was the bathroom. “I will not submit.” I put my hand on the door knob. “I will not bow.” I opened the door. “And this is not the bathroom.”

My confusion was met with a flying jump kick from a little bunny to the side of my head that confused me even worse.

“How did you jump that high?” He demonstrated again. “Oh right, you’re a rabbit.” Then his fist collided with my chin in a very amusing display of baby bunny muscles. “Will you knock that off?” He tried one more time but I grabbed him in midair this time and brought his struggling form up to my eye level. “If you show me where the bathroom is, I might forget this embarrassing event happened.”

He struggled on for a few more moments before going limp with a little sigh. He pointed down the hall. I hobbled that way, still holding him. “Seriously, how is this building this large? I swear it looks like a one room home from outside.” He didn’t answer, but then I didn’t really expect him to. You know, what with him not being able to talk and all. I stopped outside of a door and pushed it open with my empty hand. Yep, this was the bathroom. “Now was that really so hard?” I asked him. He just glared at me. “Fine, be that way.”

I set him down and walked into the bathroom. “When Fluttershy gets back, just tell her I’m up here. Or don’t. I’m sure she’ll figure it out herself either way.” I closed the door and locked it.

Man, that bathroom was really girly. But then… I also live in Ponyland, so I was kind of used to that.

The shower was short and painful. I forgot that hot water over burns is bad. At least I got clean, and wiped all the ink and whatnot off me. And I didn’t smell like a smoke-stack anymore, even though what was left of my clothes and weapons did.

I sighed as I began pulling out and wiping down weapons. “Such is life for me in this world,” I whispered. “I left a world of war only to find peace for a few short years until I could get thrust back in.”

Maybe that dragon was right. I looked down at what I was doing, to see my hands automatically cleaning weapons. That dragon was definitely right. But… If something needed to be done, and I was able to do it, shouldn’t I?

I looked down at my ruined clothes and started pulling stuff out of pockets. The only thing of value in there anymore was the jewel, but I pulled the ruined notebook out as well. I was planning on giving it to Twilight with a shit-eating grin and tell her, ‘Here are my notes on dragons.’

I was almost done cleaning my gear when I heard the clopping of a pony coming up the stairs. “Nav?” I heard Fluttershy sweetly call.

“In the bathroom,” I called back. I heard her walk up to the door and she tried twisting the knob—somehow.

“It’s locked,” she felt the need to comment.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” I answered, still cleaning something in her sink.

“Can I… can I come in?” I was wrapped in a towel, so I didn’t really see the harm. I reached over and opened it for her. I turned after I finished wiping the little knife down to find her glaring at me. “I thought I told you not to move,” she said through clenched teeth. “You might hurt yourself!”

“Your animals didn’t leave me much choice,” I answered, slipping the blade in a little holster. I pulled out the last one and began cleaning it as I talked. “They came at me from all sides, and since I needed a shower anyway I came up here.”

“My animals wouldn’t do that!” she asserted, too surprised at my accusation to keep her glare or her gritted teeth.

“Okay. I don’t suppose you have my clothes?”

“Well… I don’t know if I should let you have them!” I finally turned to look at her. “You disobeyed my instructions to not move, which might have aggravated your injuries. If keeping you naked will make you stay still, I think not having clothes might be a good thing for you!”

I stared at her. She stared right back. After a moment I let my towel unwind and fall. She turned a very, very bright red, but held her ground. Her eyes shifted a few times, though. “I could walk—or fly—back home like this, Fluttershy. I wear clothes for your benefit more than mine.” That was pretty much a lie. “So how about you give me my clothes so we can avoid that.”

Her eyes went to mine and stayed there. “Then do it.” I blinked. “Go ahead and go home and get your clothes. Naked.” This was a side of Fluttershy I don’t see often.

And as I was flying home—completely naked, mind—I remembered my words earlier: Learn to pick your battles.

I’m an idiot.

And when I landed on the balcony of the library, my legs reminded me of that fact very forcefully. It was all I could do to stay steady as I opened the doors and pushed myself in. I limped to my room and pulled some clothes on and fell into bed.

After a few minutes I heard knocking at the door, but I ignored it. Then the knocking moved to my window and I forced my eyes open. Fluttershy was there, holding everything I had left at her house, as well as a bottle of cream or whatever that stuff was. I groaned and pulled myself over to the window and opened it. She daintily flew inside.

“I’m an idiot, Fluttershy.”

She didn’t answer. I shrugged and began limping back to bed, only to have her gently pick me up and carry me there herself. I honestly didn’t think she would be strong enough to carry me when she was flying, but she managed it. She dropped all my belongings on the floor.

“I’m going to go ahead and say this so you can understand why I’ve been acting… Well, yeah. I hate being babied and I hate being helpless and I hate being taken care of.”

“We’re all helpless sometimes,” she finally answered.

“Doesn’t make me feel any better when it happens to me,” I said. She began applying the cream stuff around the parts of my legs she could reach around the shorts I was wearing. “Has anyone ever told you that you were a good person?”

“No, but I’ve been told that I was a good pony plenty of times.”

“Well, you’re that too I suppose. It keeps me sane to think of you more as people than ponies, though.”

“Is it really so bad?” she whispered.

“It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be,” I answered. “I still wake up some mornings and have a panic attack when I realize I’m in a world with talking ponies that have complete control over me, but I get over the attacks faster and faster these days.” And that’s not mentioning the nightmares I get occasionally. I used to think the ‘good’ dreams I had were bad. I didn’t know what bad dreams were, back then.

She finished rubbing the cream on and jumped into my bed and snuggled against me. “You don’t have to be afraid of us, Nav,” she said, looking into my eyes.

“I don’t have to be afraid of you,” I said. “But as to some of the others? I think I’ll hold my opinions on them for myself.” No need to fear Rainbow Dash or Applejack. Pinkie Pie and Rarity still give me some twinges every time I see them, and Pinkie’s ability to violate reality always makes me nervous. Twilight… She was a very, very powerful magic user, and she had too many bouts of crazy to be trusted fully. I liked them all and I considered them all my friends, but… I think I’ll hold off on trusting them.

“It’s good to know you trust me, at least,” she said. We were silent for a while, just being happy in each other’s company. After a few moments of silence, she said, “Nav, I—”

My door burst open, interrupting her. Spike waltzed in and Fluttershy jumped off my bed with another eep and yet another blush. “There you are, Nav!” he shouted, and then saw Fluttershy. “Uh, what were you two doing?”

“She was helping me recover from a volley of dragon fire,” I answered. “Now that Twilight is back, I can get healed.”

Spike opened his mouth to reply, but Twilight walked in and interrupted him. “Navarone, why have you been flying around town naked?”

“Because I’m an idiot. Can you heal me?”

“I don’t know why I should,” she answered. “You did nothing to help us escape!”

“I reminded you that you could teleport! And then you left me behind to fend for myself! Fucking traitor…” The last part was muttered.

“Well, maybe you shou—”

“WHERE IS HE?!” Rarity demanded, barging in and practically foaming at the mouth. Her eyes locked on me and she shrieked, jumping at me. Fluttershy jumped in her way and they went down. “I’LL TEACH YOU NOT TO CALL ME UGLY!”

Twilight sighed and pulled her off Fluttershy. “Rarity, we talked about this.”

I looked at Spike. “Reach in my pile of junk over there and pull out the red gem,” I told him. He did so. “Rarity, you can have this if you agree to not do anything to me.”

She glared at me for a few more seconds before turning her gaze to the red gem. She looked at it for a few moments before her mouth dropped and she let out a ‘squee’ that might have been scarier than her rage.

“A RED DIAMOND!” she squealed.

“A red diamond?” Spike, Fluttershy, and I all asked at the same time. I continued, “I didn’t know there was such a thing.”

Twilight dropped Rarity who pounced on Spike to take the gem. Twilight explained, “Red diamonds are extremely rare and incredibly valuable. I’ve only ever heard legends of them coming from the quarries in Tartarus.” Tartarus, for those that don’t know, is this place’s Australia; it’s where Celestia sends everything she doesn’t like when she doesn’t decide to send them to the moon. And it actually does have the location Australia holds in my world, but there are magical portals to it in a few places. The one on this continent is guarded by the three headed dog Cerberus. “But to actually see a red diamond… Navarone, where did you find this?”

I shrugged. “I randomly grabbed it from a pile of dragon jewels when I was running away in terror. You know, when I could still run. Or move on my legs. Because you abandoned me.” Hint hint.

They were all too busy staring at the jewel.

“It’s a fucking rock!” I said. “Twilight, heal me!”

She shook her head to clear it and blinked a few times. “Right. Sorry.” Her horn glowed for a second and my backside felt much better. I sat up. She turned to Rarity. “I don’t suppose I could borrow that for a few days for study?”

Rarity looked like she wanted to say no, but instead handed it over with the utmost of care. “Be careful with it, Twilight. I have all sorts of ideas for it!”

I stood up and began rummaging through the pile of stuff on the floor until I found the notebook. “And here’s your notes on dragons, Twilight,” I said, holding it up. “I found out that they’re fucking dangerous.” As I said before, the notebook was ruined.

She looked at it with distaste before getting an inquisitive look on her face. “I wonder if I can salvage anything from it…” She magicked it from my hand and took it and the jewel downstairs. Rarity followed, eyes watching the jewel carefully. It was just me, Spike, and Fluttershy up there now.

“Nav?” Spike said, turning to me. I looked at him. “You’re awesome. Thanks, bro.”

“I hope you found what you were looking for, at least. Those dragons were not very happy with me after you three got away.”

He shuddered. “We heard their roars from wherever Twilight teleported us to. I didn’t think anypony could get out of there alive.”

“Most ponies probably couldn’t have,” I said. “Which is why I’m glad I’m not one. Still, I gotta give credit where it’s due: If Rainbow Dash hadn’t been there I’d have been dinner for someone.” I paused. “Of course, if none of them had been there, we probably could have left easily and have gotten more answers in the first place.”

Spike grimaced slightly. “I don’t know if they would have let me leave at all, Nav,” he said. “From the way that dragon was talking, he thought he was saving me! He was yelling at Twilight for ‘keeping me hostage,’ or something.”

“Did you learn what you wanted to, at least?” I asked.

“Not everything, but I learned enough, I think.”

“Good.” I turned to Fluttershy. “Do you know anywhere we could go to hunt animals that won’t be missed, aside from the Everfree?”

She flinched. “Um… No?”

I sighed and turned back to Spike. “Hurry up and grow and become badass so I can safely take you into that place.” Going in by myself was one thing. Taking Spike was another monster altogether.

“Well, there are a lot of ways for dragons to grow, I found out,” he said. “One is giving in to the apparent greed that all dragons have, but that turns us all mindless. One way is…” His eyes flicked to Fluttershy and then to the pile of weapons behind me before returning to me. “Being in the presence of violence. And we can, of course, just grow naturally. There are a few other ways, but we didn’t have time to go into those.”

“So the more violent I am, the bigger you get?”

“Well… Yes. But it takes a lot to get us really big.”

“Eh, I’m sure we can figure something out.” I went back to the pile of junk on the floor and pulled out the shitty deck of cards. “For now, though, you want to learn a few games you can finally beat Rainbow Dash at?”

Spike scoffed. “There’s no such game. She’s good at everything she plays!”

I smiled. “Not good enough to beat Fluttershy here at cards.” Fluttershy blushed and looked away, idly pawing at the floor again. “I’m honestly surprised these games didn’t already exist when I got here, but given that they’re often used for gambling I suppose I shouldn’t be.”

“Gambling?” Spike asked.

“I’m okay with bringing card games here, but I’m not going to bring gambling to this world,” I said. “Now, do you want to learn or not? I’m sure Fluttershy is a very busy lady, and has a lot to do that isn’t helping me teach you.”

“Well…” Fluttershy began, but Spike interrupted with “Sure!”

I looked at Fluttershy. “If you have something to do I can get Twilight and Rarity instead. I know Twilight would love learning some manner of new thing.”

“No… It’s okay,” she quietly answered.

I shrugged. “Whatever. If you’re late for whatever it is, don’t blame me.” I shuffled the deck and taught another person some games. Twilight and Rarity eventually came up to see what we were all doing and I showed them as well. That’s pretty much when it all started to spread, I think. As far as I know, nothing bad ever came from it, so at least there’s that.

Oh, and this little exchange happened before I went to bed: “So why the fuck did you leave me to get murdered?” I asked Twilight, crossing my arms.

“That was a total accident, Nav,” she said, blushing slightly. “It wasn’t supposed to happen! You were supposed to teleport with us. If I had to guess, I’d say being surrounded by so many dragons, who have some magic resistance, culled my ability slightly. I didn’t realize it, so I didn’t cast the field out wide enough. Because of that, you got left behind…”

So I almost got eaten because of a mistake. I guess that makes it better, or something.

Chapter Twenty-Three—Back to Egypt.

Chapter Twenty-Three—Back to Egypt.

Two months after my birthday, I was again summoned to Celestia. When I was teleported in, I made a quick survey of my surroundings. I saw two random ponies and Celestia standing nearby. I nodded to them.

“I see you haven’t trained this… creature… very well, Princess,” said one of the visitors rather haughtily.

I pulled out my dagger. “You wouldn’t believe what she had me trained to do to people I don’t like. And if you keep talking like that, you’re going to find out firsthand.”

The stallion that made the remark visibly blanched, while his mare companion smirked at my response.

Celestia just said, “Remember what happened the last time blood was spilled in front of me, Navarone. And remember whose it was.” So we’re doing some acting, is it? So be it.

“Bah. You’re the one who summoned me, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be talked down to by a pony. I don’t care what kind of influence he holds."

“That’s no way to talk about somepony that will soon be in your protection, if you’d have him,” she answered. “Both of them, actually.”

I put the dagger away. “And what makes you think I’d want to do any more of your jobs? The last one ended up with me at the forefront of a revolution. I came closer to dying there than I did fighting with the naga, which is the job that brought me there in the first place.” She already knew this, of course, but if I was going to end up guarding these two ponies for whatever reason, I wanted to make sure they knew I wasn’t someone to fuck with.

“Standard fare, of course, Navarone.” Meaning it was this or bust, for me.

“You always have such a way with words, Celestia. What’s the job, and why are these two worth my time?”

“The job is pretty simple. These two ponies need to go from here to Egypt. Since you’ve been there in the past,” I snorted at that, “I figured you’d be the best for the job. And knowing how some of the natives there feel about ponies, I figured they could use the extra protection.”

“Fucking ambassadors. Why not give them royal guards?”

“I will be. But royal guards weren’t at the final confrontation with the leader now in power in Egypt. You are a reminder of my power and the forces I can bring into play if either of these two end up hurt.”

I took a second to study the guests better. The mare was a green unicorn with a cutie mark of an open book and a mane of light blue. The male was a brown earth pony with a cutie mark of a chalice and a mane of a darker brown. He didn’t look quite as abashed as before, though he still didn’t look quite like he wanted me as a protector.

“How long will this thing take? I may not belong here, but I’ve made a life here now, and I’m not exactly overly pleased to be having to keep leaving it like this.”

“Like it or not, Navarone, you’re useful to me and to the realm. However, your part in this shouldn’t take that long. You’re supposed to be there just long enough to be seen by enough people in power. Unless their lives are actually threatened, you should be back within a month of being in Egypt. All around, it should take three months for you. They’ll be there a lot longer.”

I sighed. “I’m starting to think you hate me. You always want to send me away whenever we talk. Fine. I’ll do your fucking mission. But I want a neat hat.”

“Sorry, but I actually have something else in mind for you to wear.”

“Is it too late to request the death penalty for that treason charge you pushed on me?”

“You haven’t even seen it yet! I even had one of your friends help make it!”

“…” You could actually hear the ellipsis in what I didn’t say.

Remember that ‘outfit made for the Liberator of Egypt’ Rarity promised me? Yeah, she made it. Out of complete boredom, as far as I could tell, because I would never willingly put that on my body, and she had to know I would never willingly put that on my body.

The two ponies I was set to escort—named Calix and Emerald Script, if anyone cares—seemed to love it. If I had my fire starter on me, I would have lit it on fire and hoped it burned, and then did my best to exorcise the ashes.

Since this is supposed to be a true account, of sorts, I suppose I should describe the damn thing. It was purple, blue, and white. Purple, to show my… royalty, or the fact that I act on a royal leash. Blue, to show that I am still a public servant. And white to show my… mercy, I suppose. Not exactly the colors I would choose to depict myself. And not the prettiest of things to look at. In the deserts, I would stand out.

It was interlaced with iron studs, ostensibly for protection, but more likely to make me look more like a warrior. They weren’t placed anywhere useful. At least it was iron instead of gold; on the off chance something did hit them, they would actually block some force. Gold is pretty much worthless.

The entire thing was gaudy as all fuck. It’s like it was made to show off my wings, for one, and there were frills all over it. I don’t think I could even draw a damn knife in that thing, let alone find a place to store one.

I took one look at it, turned to Celestia, and said, “Hell no. I would rather light myself on fire and greet the Egyptians that way.”

“That would rather go against the idea of peace we’re trying to push, Nav.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take. I ain’t wearing that shit.”

Emerald looked at me and said, “I think you’d look good in it.”

Calix added his opinion to the matter as well, in his annoying, greater-than-thou nobleman accent: “Yes, it would certainly be an improvement to what you’re wearing now.”

“Are you sure I can’t kill them? I’ve heard horse meat is pretty good, and I could share with Spike!” They both looked a bit frightened at that, not knowing who or what Spike was.

Celestia shook her head, saying, “No, they’re too useful right now. Maybe when they get back, if they manage to mess up in Africa.” When I got a thoughtful look on my face, “No, you can’t sabotage them.” I sighed. She continued, “In all seriousness, though, you need to wear something regal. This is what we have. If you have something better in mind that you can get within a day, by all means. Otherwise, this is it.”

“How often do I need to wear it?”

“As far as I’m concerned, you’d only need to wear it when you first arrive at the palace and at some important state functions. When you arrive there, though, Emerald Script will be in charge.”

“So all this job entails is going to Africa, guarding these two kids for a month, and then running home?”

“I wouldn’t quite say that,” Emerald said, with a disturbing smile.

“Just so we’re clear. I’ll do jobs for you. I might even be willing to kill someone for you, if I think there’s a good enough reason. But I draw the line at things of questionable moral standings."

Calix turned to Celestia. “Where do you find these servants?”

She just shrugged and said, “Blame my students.”

I had one more demand, since it was going so well anyway. “Oh, and while we’re there, I want to see the Sphinx. I’m sure I’ll find some time to do it, but I’m not coming back until I see it.”

“So you will do it?”

“What other choice do I have, dammit?”

“Good. Emerald Script, Calix, see to your preparations. You all leave tomorrow.” They bowed and left. When they were out of earshot, Celestia turned to me. “You really need to learn what to say and when to say it. I think you might have made them both rather mad.”

“They’ll get over it. They both need to learn to treat others better anyway. Calix is a dick, and Emerald Script is rather creepy.”

“I think there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“There is. But you don’t need to know about it.”

“We’ve been over this before.”

“Yes, and we won’t get anywhere new by doing it again.”

“You’re always such a pleasure to talk to, Nav.”

“And you always know just the right things to say, Celestia.”

She turned serious. “Honestly now, you don’t have to do this one if you don’t want to. I would really, really like you there, but I know you’re getting close to your friends. And I know there are a lot of painful memories for you in Egypt.”

“You don’t even know… But this needs to be done, sadly, and I’m one of the few that can do it correctly. I doubt they’ll be attacked, but Egypt… is not like Equestria. Someone well versed in pony ways and that knows about Egyptian ways will be needed as guides for your ambassadors, if nothing else. Though I don’t know why you had to choose those two.”

“I picked them to get them away from here, for the reasons you described.”

“Are you sure those are the kind of people you want representing Equestria?”

“No, but I also don’t have anypony else to send over there. And when I said Emerald Script will be in charge, I didn’t actually mean that. For their benefit, she will be. As far as I’m concerned, you’re still a foreign entity. You can do whatever you need to do to keep them safe, and as long as you don’t go crazy with that privilege I will back you up. You are there to show the natives of Egypt the power of Equestria.”

“That means no getting raped by another crazy cat woman.”

“I still don’t know why you let them twist the wording in my letter like that.”

“I don’t know why you let it happen when you knew it was happening. Besides, Africa was a dangerous place. I couldn’t risk letting an ‘accident’ happen to me. But eventually… enough was enough.”

“And that is precisely why you are going with them, and why you are basically in charge of their safety for the first month or so. They will be getting royal guards, but you’re the real muscle there.”

“I’m really starting to dislike that ability you have.”

“And which ability is that?”

“That one that basically forces everyone to do what you want.”

“Oh yes, that. I know. I’ve been a princess getting unruly subjects to do what I need them for longer than you’ve been alive, though. If it makes you feel any better, you’re one of the few that have actually noticed I’m doing it.”

“Stop it!”

“Just proves my point. Do you need anything else while you’re here, or should I send you back to Twilight now?”

“Send me back. If we’re leaving tomorrow, I’ll need to say a lot of goodbyes in a very short time, and grab a lot of stuff.”

And just like that, I was back on the way to fucking Africa.

The goodbyes were depressing, even though I knew I should soon be back. I’d miss most of summer there, if nothing else. Which means I’d pick up the brunt of winter in Egypt, something I was not looking forward to.

And I made sure to hate on Rarity for the costume she gave me, though after the whole fashion thing we were a little closer than before, even though she doesn’t remember the time we spent in the jail cell and when she was forced to use me to keep warm.

Rainbow Dash was distraught at my leaving for what I thought was probably the coolest reason ever. “How am I supposed to use you as a wingman if you’re leaving?” she practically wailed at me.

I paused. “Do you mean me helping you pick up chicks, or me helping you practice for the Wonderbolts?”

“Yes!”

“I’ll be back soon enough. And honestly, depending on the chick you’re trying to pick up, you might be better off without mehelping you do it. Also honestly, I’m really not the fastest flier, despite having huge wings. There is little magic in me; I’m mostly good for gliding.”

“Well, yeah, but if we turned you back into a pegasus you’d be better at both!”

“Depends on what you’re looking for, in terms of relationships. And who you’re looking to bag.” She opened her mouth, but I forestalled her, saying, “Don’t tell me now, Dash. Give me something to look forward to when I get back.”

She smiled at that.

Spike really wanted to join me on my trip, but I told him there was no room and that Twilight probably wouldn’t let him anyway. He tried to get me to promise to bring him some jerky, but I managed not to. Hell, if I was bringing any jerky back, I’d have to bring pounds and pounds of it, or it would all be gone by the time I got home. I love me some jerky.

Twilight was also pretty easy to say bye to. “I will definitely miss our conversations, but when the princess calls, she calls. I understand royal duty well enough,” she told me.

“True enough, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. At least this time I probably won’t be fighting for my life.” I stressed that probably.

“You were hardly fighting for your life last time. Hearing you describe it, you were doing very little in the way of actual fighting.”

“I consider slitting throats some manner of fighting. I just managed to stay out of the way of most of the blades, which is a good enough achievement, as far as I’m concerned.”

“Maybe you’ll even run into some of your old friends while you’re there!”

“I hope not. I wouldn’t call any of those cat people friends. Jocasta was only on speaking terms with me when she needed me. Rock scared the hell out of me. Kat was… no. Miguel was probably arrested for being a murderous, scary little man. The rest, I didn’t know that well.”

“You always meet such colorful characters.”

“Yeah, just look at you! You’re purple!”

She stuck her tongue out at me.

Applejack was also decently easy to say bye to, especially since she knew I was coming back. She was very practical, honestly. And it also meant that, if she decided to go back to any dancing lessons, she would probably end up dancing with Rainbow Dash. I teased her about that.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, though…” she mused. Catching herself, she blushed, and corrected, “To have a partner that might actually be attracted to me, I mean! You’re alright, but I know you don’t feel anything towards ponies!”

I smiled at her. She blushed deeper, muttered something about having farm work to do, then ran off. Kids these days.

Pinkie Pie was sad to see me go as well, though for different reasons. “No time to throw a going away party again? Princess Celestia needs to stop giving us such short notice! How am I ever going to throw you a good party if you’re always leaving too soon?”

“Relax. I’ll be back before you know it, and then you won’t have had to worry about throwing me a party anyway.”

“Are you saying that you’ll leave and be back so quickly that when you get back the light particles from your presence immediately before you left will not have even departed yet?”

Pinkie Pie is fucking crazy, man. “Not exactly what I meant, no. More like I should be back within three months or so, and that the time will pass fast enough.”

“Oh. That makes much more sense!”

Fluttershy was… difficult. “Why are you leaving again, so soon?”

“Celestia needs me. She presented me with two choices. One was going to Africa. The other was… less pleasant.”

“You and Twilight make her out to be such a villain! Whenever I talk to her, she seems so nice.”

“Be happy she doesn’t need anything from you, then.”

“Couldn’t you ask her if you could stay? Why does it have to be you?”

“Because I was the one that helped the slaves. I am the living representation of Celestia’s power. And I have spent time in Egypt before; I have experience her ambassadors will need.”

“Wouldn’t you much rather stay here, with m—I mean, us?”

I was somewhat surprised, but didn’t comment. “Yes, I would. But would you deny someone your talents if they needed them? I could not refuse to help someone in something like this, myself, not when I know I could be useful. And especially not when my aid is requested. There is nothing more I’d rather do than stay here, but I don’t have that option. Maybe after this, things will die down. Maybe the spring is coming for me, finally. And when I get back, we will… talk.”

She smiled at that, at least. Hers was one of the last friendly faces I saw in a while.

The next day I was given a ride from Ponyville to Canterlot. It was easier doing that than it was teleporting me, with all the stuff I was bringing. To be honest, it wasn’t that much: My desert suit, which I was hoping I wouldn’t need all that much, my weapons, another honing stone, another new fucking cloak, some more sensible clothes, and what I was hoping was enough paper to keep me writing for a good spell. And, of course, that outfit Rarity made for me. I was on this trip for royal reasons, and I was hoping the Crown would be paying for more clothing when I got there. And whatever else I needed.

And all I had to do to earn it was keep two idiots alive. How hard could it be?

On the train ride to Manehattan, I found out how hard it might be. Not to keep them safe from external threats, but to keep me from killing them both myself.

I ran to their cart when I heard a yell. I ripped the door open to find… nothing.

Before either one could open their mouth, I said, very calmly and coldly, “If you complain about this cart being too small or not comfortable enough, I will hurt you.”

I waited for a few seconds. They said nothing. I closed the door. I heard Emerald say through it, “I told you that would happen!” I walked away.

It was going to be a long, long trip.

I wish I could say that when we got to Manehattan we wasted little time in getting to the boat, but those bastards had a metric fuckton of shit they brought with them. Like, boxes and boxes of just crap.

Fucking nobles, man. I was starting to wish this was Dwarf Fortress, so I could just get them to kill themselves.

When they asked me to help them with their crap, I told them upfront, “I’m not a servant. I’m not technically even a body guard. I am an agent of the crown. I get my orders from Celestia or Luna, no one else.”

Emerald tried to take me off that high horse: “My orders said that I’m in charge! You can’t say no to me!”

“Your orders were wrong. You can ask Celestia if you want.”

She tried to get the other guards that were accompanying her to arrest me or something. I looked at them.

They didn’t even try.

In the end, Emerald and Calix had to carry some of their stuff themselves, while they hired some day laborers to carry the rest. The guards and I just watched impassively, though I, at least, was struggling not to laugh.

I didn’t mention this earlier, but there were six guards here from the palace to watch over the two. There were two of Luna’s night guards and four of Celestia’s day guards. And yes, each of the day guards and each of the night guards looked the same. Don’t ask me how, though my guess was that Celestia had a gene lab hidden somewhere and was cloning them all. Anyway, they got the same orders I did, apparently, or they might well have tried to arrest me when Emerald told them to. They probably would have succeeded—they’re trained fighters, while I’m a burgeoning assassin and ranged fighter. Up close and personal, it would be hard to take down even one of them. That would have been pretty embarrassing.

Oh, and when the nobles saw the boat we were going on, I thought they would throw a hissyfit that would make Rarity proud. We were not going on a royal military fleet. No, we nine were going on a merchant ship. The two nobles had to share a room. The guards and I didn’t even get rooms. We were given the option of bunking in the mess hall or outside. I chose outside; it was stifling inside. Most of the guards did the same.

And to make my cliché about the seasick people semi-true, both the nobles did end up getting seasick. It was their first time at sea. I didn’t make any kind-hearted jokes about it, though. They were all mean, and all shared between the guards and I. I managed to get the guards laughing, which wasn’t supposed to happen. Just showed how they all felt about the two nobles.

Since it was a merchant ship, they were in a hurry to get where they were going and they didn’t have to actually slow down to maintain any formation. It didn’t take us as long to get there this time. I wasn’t looking forward to getting to Africa, but I was looking forward to being able to get away from the two ambassadors for a bit.

The merchants were able to drop us off in Alexandria, but they couldn’t stay; formal relations between the two nations had not developed enough to allow easy trade. Besides, not many people here would give good deals to ponies.

Before we hit the city, I warned the guards: “Do not expect a warm welcome. When I was here last, ponies were not treated well. I don’t personally expect open hostility, but nor will I be surprised if you receive it. Guard the two nobles, and watch out for thieves. If you have to, abandon their shit and rush them to a tavern called The Salted Mare. Ask any pony for directions. If you’re posed a riddle, the answer when I was here last was ‘Celestia and Luna.’ If the shit absolutely hits the fan and you cannot stay in the city any longer, use your wings, pick them both up, and fly off. I’ll be out and about, and if you have to flee I’ll meet you south of town. There are plenty of oases between here and Catro, so don’t worry too much about supplies if you have to abandon everything.”

One of the day guards spoke up, “Do you really expect it will be that bad?”

“The first thing you’ll learn here: Expect the worst. Sometimes you’ll be surprised. Wait a day for me at The Salted Mare. If I don’t show up, go on without me. I’ll either catch up or I’ll be dead.”

With that warning, I put on the rest of my desert clothes and jumped off the boat. I was able to sail in from a little ways off the city, so I could walk in again, as I had the first time. I had on me my pack full of everything I brought and my weapons. I also had enough bits to hire a room for the night if I needed it. The goal was to join a caravan going south if possible, and if not, we were just gonna walk the whole way ourselves.

I wasn’t going to stay away from the main group that long, just long enough to visit a few places. Mainly, to see if Amir was still alive and well, and to pick up more clothes if possible. I had some words for Amir, if I could find him again. And I had a knife for Anton, if I found him.

Thankfully, there weren’t any bodies on the city wall this time. The guards at the gates also made me peace-bind my weapons as I walked into the city. My knives, at least; they didn’t know about the crossbow.

When they made me do it, though, I commented, “How is this fair? The ponies still have their sharp hooves. Why remove my main defenses if there are still those about that can hurt me?”

“Almost none of the ponies will attack unless attacked. You must have been away from cities for a while. To be fair, most of the guards agree with you. We follow our orders, though, and since we’re told to peace bind weapons, we will do so. Just use your claws if you must. They can’t deprive us of those!”

I laughed along with him; no reason to let anyone know I wasn’t a cat. Yet. Thankfully they didn’t inspect my bolts. That would have raised a few questions.

When I got into the city proper, I saw that little had changed, aside from there being fewer ponies out and about. The place was still a bustling port city on the side of a desert, and despite there not being any trade going on with Equestria proper, there was still trading going on with other parts of Africa and with pony smugglers that operated out of the Middle East.

Hell, everyone has a price. Even ponies.

Finding Amir’s tavern wasn’t that hard; the city may be large, but I’m pretty good with remembering directions. Not much about the tavern had really changed, other than a hulking guard sitting near the back, with paws that looked like they had been broken over faces more times than their owner could count.

I sat at a table and waited for a serving woman to approach me. She was one of the same cat women that had been working here the last time, I thought, though it was a bit hard to tell; I wasn’t paying much attention at the time. I asked for water and meat, as before, and I asked about Amir.

“He doesn’t come out as much as he used to, now that his position as a slave helper has been revealed. Why should I fetch him now?”

I took off a glove and told her, “A friend from the past is here to see him.”

Her eyes widened a bit. She slowly nodded and went off to do as I asked. I put the glove back on before too many people could see my hand and comment. I didn’t know the kind of reaction I’d get for my actions in the revolution, which was one of the reasons I came to Amir’s inn. He would be able and willing to tell me what to expect, especially when I threatened to gut him for selling me out, though I was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to that.

The wait wasn’t long before the serving lady came back and told me where to go to find Amir. I followed her directions and found myself in a back room.

I pulled one of the bolts out of my quiver and idly twirled it around, waiting for someone to arrive. I was expecting either the guard, to knock me out or worse, or Amir.

Thankfully, Amir showed up, though I figured he had his guard standing outside the door, listening for a shout. I put the bolt up.

“Human, why are you back here? I never expected to see you again!”

“I could say the same. I’m here in your inn for information. I’m back in Egypt because I go where the Crown wills. I’m pretty sure you were told what a haul you had in me, when you sold me out to the slaves.”

“I did what I had to do! They had my daughter…”

“I don’t care about motives or your life story. What is done is done. What I need is information, and perhaps a bed for the night, depending on what you tell me.”

“Tell me your questions, then, O Great Liberator.”

“What kind of reception will agents from Equestria receive here? Actual pony agents, not more like me.”

“Ambivalence. Most cats won’t care, though a few might look at them negatively. The dogs never cared for ponies, any of them, and will give the usual negative responses. But as far as I know, they won’t be openly attacked, unless they do something to rile the natives.”

“What kind of reception will I get here, and in the capital, if I go around unmasked?”

“Differing reactions. Some hate you for what you did, some don’t know much about you, and some love you for it. Not many were privy to what your actual actions were, other than that you were pivotal in the revolution effort.”

“And as far as I’m concerned, that’s how it will stay. In your opinion, would I be better served by staying hidden for as long as possible, or should I make who I am known?”

“That depends on why you’re here. I presume you’re part of a diplomatic team, if you’re here with ponies. In the streets, you might as well go masked. You will probably be safer, if nothing else. But among the leaders and politicians in Catro, you should go unmasked. You will gain no ground by being a faceless voice, no matter what policies you hold.”

“The same way it is everywhere. Good. What else has been happening here, in the time since I left?”

“Massive upheavals. We have learned the hard way that you can’t remove a head of state in a military coup without some problems. For the most part, things have been safe, but some of the slave groups in the desert still haven’t gotten the message that the war is over. Banditry is still a problem. The main roads are patrolled, though if you’re going to Catro you better make sure you have some manner of identification showing yourself as an ambassadorial party.”

“Do you know what happened to the cats I left behind in the slave group I helped lead out of Egypt?”

“Some of the leaders accepted positions within the new government. Some continued fleeing from Egypt into pony held lands. Some stayed behind here, to try their luck as free people.”

So I might run into Kat again. And this time I won’t be forced to do as she asks. Interesting. “How secure is the new leader?”

“He has the entire army behind him. The only ones protesting are a few richer slave owners, and slavers with their own private armies. Most know how to ride the winds of change, however, so I don’t expect they’ll hold out too long.”

“I don’t suppose you know where Anton is, do you?”

“No. He’s the one that kidnapped my daughter. If you find him, hurt him for me. Thankfully, she was returned unharmed after the slaves were released, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was taken from me.”

“I was planning on hurting him plenty enough for myself, but I’m sure I can find it in my heart to share the hate.”

I turned to go, but Amir stopped me. “For what it’s worth, Navarone, what you did was good for this country, even if you didn’t want to do it.”

“I know. But just because something is good doesn’t mean someone else should be forced into doing it. You were forced to help the slaves because your daughter was kidnapped.”

There was nothing he could say to that. I left.

I took a few hours to wander the marketplace, making sure to keep a tight hold on all my belongings. There was nothing here I actually wanted, and it would be a bad idea to buy anything now that I’d have to carry with me on the trip to Catro, but it gave me something to do while waiting for the ambassadors to get to the inn. I did get some more clothes, at least; those I had on were getting rattier than they were when I got them, and none of the cuts they got when I was fighting helped them any. I tried to avoid blades, but it’s hard to keep baggy clothes out of the way of cuts. I had tricked more than one enemy into leaving me for dead that way, too, so I guess it wasn’t such a bad thing.

The sun was starting to set when I decided to make my way to the tavern I told them to meet me at. Thankfully, when I got there I found it hadn’t changed at all in the time since I had been to it. However, I was asked two riddles this time, instead of one. The first was the same, with the same answer. The second was about what I was expecting, at that point: “Which creature in the morning goes on four legs, at mid-day on two, and in the evening upon three, and the more legs it has, the weaker it be?”

“A cat person. Or a dog person. Or a man.” Yeah, they didn’t know what a man was, but they gave it to me anyway, since they were told to expect someone fitting my description.

When the doorkeeper let me in, I asked him, “Why the extra question?”

“We have important guests from the homeland. We can’t risk allowing them to be hurt. You are likely the one they told us to expect, though. And if you aren’t, don’t expect to be here long.”

I took off my cape and my head mask. “Those royal guards wouldn’t lay a hoof on me.”

The doorkeeper smiled at me. “It’s good to see you again, Liberator.”

“Name’s Navarone. Where are the ambassadors? And the guards?”

He blinked at my pause between guards and ambassadors, and the fact that I mentioned the guards at all, but he answered nonetheless: “The ambassadors are in their room. The guards are dotted about the building, with one watching the ambassador’s door.”

I nodded. “Thanks.” I went to look for the guards first, because I really didn’t feel like dealing with the ambassadors.

I found two of them in the common room. They nodded a greeting to me, and then went back to somehow playing dice with their hooves. I don’t know how the hell ponies do stuff like that.

“You’re lucky I’m not in charge of discipline,” I told them. They just shrugged. “Anyway, how was the trip into town?”

“Nothing to report. We got a few odd looks, but no open hostility. No one was expecting us. Are you certain Princess Celestia sent warning ahead that we would be here?”

“No, I’m not, and that worries me. As far as I know, we’re flying blind here. I don’t know what she told the ambassadors, and since I did nothing to ingratiate myself with them, they wouldn’t tell me if I asked.” A thought struck me. “I don’t suppose we’re carrying any manner of Equestrian flags? Or anything to show that we’re a foreign entity?”

“I think the nobles might have a flag. We usually just follow orders, and we weren’t told to bring anything like that.”

“Damn. Okay. When we get on the move to Catro, take off your armor, by the way. You’ll die of heat stroke by the time we reach the first oasis if you’re wearing that metal stuff.”

“Yes sir.”

“I’m not an officer, son, I work for a living. That’s just advice, not an order.” That definitely got them smiling. “And spread that advice around to the rest of the guards. I don’t want to have to carry a pony because he was stupid enough to wear metal armor in the Egyptian sun.”

“Will do. And by the way, the ambassadors are mad at you. So be careful when you visit them.”

“They can’t do anything to me, but thanks for the warning, at least.” Probably pissed I left them on the boat.

I went to the rest of the guards first, repeating my questions and advice. Most of them told me the ambassadors were pissed.

I was tempted to prove a point and not even bother with the ambassadors, but since I was stuck with them for at least another month, I decided to do the good thing and at least see what they were mad about this time. I may be a bad person, but I really didn’t feel like having to work closely with people I didn’t like and couldn’t stand being around for a month.

With that in mind, I knocked on the door to their shared room. “Who is it?” Emerald sang out.

I sighed internally, then said, “Navarone.”

The door ripped open and magic pulled me inside. Oh fuck, not again…

I heard the door slam shut behind me and the lock get pulled. So much for getting the guards to help me… Still, I have yet to find a truly dangerous situation I couldn’t talk my way out of.

Before either Calix or Emerald could say anything to me, I asked, “I don’t suppose either of you brought a flag from home?” There’s a chance I can make it out of here easily…

Neither of them were expecting that question. Calix answered, before he could be stopped, “Yes, we have one. Why—” He was cut off by Emerald.

“That’s not how this is going to work, human. You have a lot to answer for.”

“I don’t see how. The guards got the same orders I did. You have nothing on me, other than the ability to use magic. And the way in which you’re using that makes you little more than a bully.” I was doing my best to shame her. I figured, if push came to shove, there was a very small chance she was actually a powerful magic user, and I could escape her. I didn’t want to risk tipping my hand at that point, though.

“We’re ponies, and we’re nobles. You’re just a mongrel pulled out of nowhere to serve us. How dare you try to shame us, or lord anything over us?” Calix accosted me.

Oh, you’re on my shit list now, boy. “The lot of the sapient life form is based on their ability to reason. You obviously scored low on the reasoning level, so I was placed above you in terms of natural rank. Celestia saw this and put me outside of any of your social structures, and given that, you have nothing on me. You may be a noble, but as far as I’m concerned, you’re a fucking mite. My job is to do what’s best for Equestria. If you keep thinking that, as a pony, you’re part of a master race, what I think is best for Equestria will be your permanent removal from any capacity as an ambassador.”

“Are you threatening us?” Calix asked.

“No. I’m threatening you. All Emerald Script is doing right now is holding me. You’re the one insulting everything not a pony, while at the same time going to serve as an ambassador to an extra-pony race. That is a dangerous mix, especially when the people you seem to think are beneath you have a habit of eating just about any meat they can find.”

I felt the magic bonds around me fall away. “He’s right, Calix. We can’t keep doing this. We got exiled here from Equestria because of this. This is the end of the line for us!”

I don’t think Calix knew I wasn’t being held up anymore. He turned on Emerald Script and said, “If you weren’t holding him in place right now, I would do to you what I did to that serving filly! Do not try to stop me from teaching this beast a lesson!”

Emerald visibly blanched at that. I decided then and there that he would not be surviving the trip to Catro. I couldn’t kill him here, because that would technically be murder. But anything can happen on a dangerous road, and by the time a body spends a day in the Egyptian sun, it’s impossible to tell what killed it.

I flexed, to make sure he knew I was free. When he rounded on me in horror, I just gave him the coldest look I could manage. “You two will not be sharing a room. And Calix, you’re to be watched by a guard until we leave tomorrow. Emerald Script, come with me.”

We left him there. I told the guard at the door to keep an eye on him, and to keep shifts on him for the rest of the night to make sure he stayed there. Emerald was practically quivering in either fear or rage when we got to what I was told was to be my room for the night.

“What did he do to this serving girl?”

“He… he beat her. Badly. That is why he’s here… He has always had a bit of a temper, but he’s never used it against me before!”

“Do not worry about him. He will be taken care of. The road to Catro is a long and dangerous one.”

“Surely you don’t mean… You wouldn’t kill him!”

“I meant what I said in there. He is a danger to everyone around him, and to Equestria. The ship’s already gone, so we can’t send him back. We can’t leave him here and we can’t afford to keep him with us in Catro. And anyone that admits to beating someone will have done it more than once, likely. It is not a kind fate that I will give to him, but it is what must be done.”

“How can you be so… callous about this? He’s a living being!”

“I am a servant of the crown, right now. I have been told to do what is for the best for Equestria. If that means killing one of the ambassadors that is supposed to represent Celestia, then so be it.”

“How am I supposed to explain that in my reports to Princess Celestia?”

“He was attacked by bandits in the dangerous roads. That gives us the excuse of the dead ambassador and leverage to use over the king.”

“You’re cold, Navarone.”

“Yes, I am. Feel free to bed here for the night, if you want. I can sleep with the guards.”

“This room is big enough for two. I don’t care how cold you are, there’s no reason we can’t share a room.”

“If you’re really afraid of Calix, I can stay here if you wish. I see no reason for it, but whatever.”

“That would be… nice,” she said with a little smile. Thankfully, she didn’t try to push anything. Might have had something to do with the fact that I just told her I’d kill her partner soon.

I didn’t even bother trying to find a caravan going the same way we were. We needed to get out of the city as quickly as possible, and traveling with a caravan of obvious merchants would mean danger when there were bandits about. A group of six obvious soldiers, a mysterious creature with wings, and what appeared to be a scholar wouldn’t be attacked, I was hoping.

Besides, it would be hard to explain why I killed Calix to any caravanners, and they might well kick everyone in my group out of theirs when I did so.

So it was a fairly small group that left the city. Knowing we had to travel light, and that we also had to carry food and water, Emerald was smart enough to let me leave most of their crap behind. With the funds selling that stuff to a merchant gave me, I was able to buy food and water for all eight of us, using native money that wouldn’t raise too many questions.

I also skimmed a bit off the top to get a falchion and a few more daggers, so I would hopefully look more threatening when we got where we were going. I had no idea how to use the falchion, but the daggers were pretty simple: Throw and hope you don’t miss. I also had a few darker reasons for getting them: If Calix’s body was found, we could claim that he went missing and we couldn’t stop to wait or look for him. His death would be blamed on bandits.

I also got a holster for the flag, so one of the guards could carry it on a pole on his back. I was hoping that someone would, if not recognize the Equestrian image on it, recognize that it was at least a foreign power, and that messing with us would be bad.

I killed Calix three days outside of town.

Even now, as I sit writing this, I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I do not like killing, but I do recognize that sometimes it is the best thing to do. And he was a bad man. Well, a bad pony. He was also a danger to the mission.

But should I have killed him?

None of the guards judged me, I don’t think, and the two that were to be assigned to him when we reached the city almost seemed happy about it. Emerald kept her opinions on the matter secret, though I suspected she would not be lying to Celestia about it.

I had a good excuse, if nothing else.

We made pretty good time, all things considered. I’m not going to lie, though: I definitely slowed the group down. Sensible security measures and ensuring we were always within range of an oasis when we camped probably added a day or more to our schedule.

And while I have more stamina than the ponies on average, I was also slower. So instead of them trotting, they walked. To be fair, though, that was better than the alternative. After all, it’s easy to overheat out in the desert if you aren’t used to it. Trotting would quicken the process.

It was not an easy trip. But we did pretty well at it, anyway.

As a small side note, back at home, I used to read a lot. And I mean, a lot. I always read about adventurers walking places, and taking a week or something to do it.

You want to know why authors mostly skip over that week?

Traveling. Is. Boring. As. Fuck.

Especially in the hot sun, in an empty desert, with possible bandit activity all around you. It’s walking and walking and walking, then a bit of flying, then some more walking. You go to bed late, set out quarter watches until morning, with everyone getting a turn each night. Then you wake up exhausted and have to keep walking.

There were two relatively interesting things that happened those nine days, and half of them were me killing Calix. The other thing was running into a small group of about twenty cat people roaming the deserts, looking for any traders. When we saw them in the distance, I almost lost my shit thinking they were bandits.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually were bandits, but just didn’t see any reason to attack our group. Despite what I told Calix, I honestly don’t think any of the cat people would eat a pony.

Anyway, we finally made it to Catro after nine long, boring days of travel.

And God, seeing that city made those nine days almost worth it. We crested a dune around the time the sun was setting behind us, and saw the city in the red light of the sunset. Minarets cast massive shadows spanning the entire city. Light bouncing off parts of the Nile cast a glow to parts of the lower slums, making even their ramshackle appearance light up before our eyes. We could barely see the tips of the pyramids sticking out to the west. The city’s administrative center, the massive palace, was located on our side of the river. It took up several blocks, and was several stories high.

It was a wonderful view.

We made it into the city just as night was falling. I had never been here before, so I had no idea how bad any crime would be. Since I was part of a foreign ambassador team, I didn’t have to peace-bind my weapons, which was nice. I was hoping I wouldn’t need them, but hell, you never know.

And yes, as it turns out, we were expected. However, they were expecting us to come down the river, not to walk here. Which, as I took a second to think about it, would have made a hell of a lot more sense.

But whatever. We were given very nice accommodations near the palace. After checking the rooms for anything that shouldn’t be there—which I admit, I honestly had no real idea how to do—I washed the dust and grime off and went to bed. I was basically just hoping that there were no hidey-holes for eavesdropping or poison in anything.

Oh, and if any readers are wondering why I didn’t seem to suffer from much jet lag, well, traveling on a slow moving boat removes much of that. I did have some problems, yes, but they were hardly of note.

The next morning, I laid down the basic rules for the group: “Don’t leave this building alone. For any reason. We are not in Equestria anymore, and there are some groups that do not like us being here at all. They might or might not hesitate to use murder to achieve their goals of getting us gone. I do not want to explain to Celestia why any of her guards disappeared, or why our remaining ambassador was kidnapped off the street.”

One of the night guards spoke up, “Does that rule apply to you?”

I scoffed, “Hell no.”

Emerald interjected, “Perhaps, Navarone, it should apply to you most of all. You are here as a symbol of Equestrian power. If any enemies can take you out of the picture, that would be a crushing blow for our relations in the area. We would appear weak, if nothing else.”

“And that’s precisely why I shouldn’t be guarded. If I’m to appear as a symbol of power, I shouldn’t need guards. I should be able to take on anything they throw at me.” That wasn’t the real reason, mind, but that was good enough. The truth was that I just didn’t want to be bothered by guards. Either way, though, she bought it. “The second thing is to never trust anyone except each other. I know you come from a land of happiness and plenty, but here there are liars. Plenty of them. Some people will tell you the truth and some people will tell you lies. Some will mix it up.”

The other night guard spoke up, “What of you, human? I’ve heard it said that little of what you say is true, and what is true is so full of fluff it’s hard to tell what you really mean.”

“The difference is that you know I’m a liar. You already know most of what I’m saying isn’t true, so you’re prepared to counter that. But here, you don’t know who is who. Just be prepared. Any other stupid comments?”

There weren’t. They even left the obvious thing unsaid: If we know you’re a liar, why are we even listening to you?

“My last warning is to beware the food. It’s spicy. And it might be poisonous. A good way to get rid of rival diplomats is poison, after all. Enjoy your stay in Egypt.”

I think I just convinced a few of them to go on diets.

Emerald did chime in on that, with a contribution I was extremely pleased to hear: “Part of my diplomat training actually included a magic lesson in identifying poison. We shouldn’t have to worry about that. The spiciness, though, I can’t help with.” Thank God for that, at least.

Our palace liaison wasn’t due for a few hours, so I had a bit of time to do a more thorough sweep of our building. I was hoping I wouldn’t find anything, so I wouldn’t have to take time to deal with it, but just because you hope something is true doesn’t mean that’s what will happen.

Thankfully, I didn’t actually find anything. There were a few hidden rooms, yes, but as far as I could tell none of those rooms bordered anywhere important, so we didn’t have to worry about anyone eavesdropping. I told the guards about them, and let them deal with it. I was kind of hoping they’d make signs or something that said, ‘secret room here,’ but all they did was just note their positions.

Despite my killing Calix, Emerald was still rather pushy about me actually wearing the getup Rarity had made for me. I was planning on not putting it on and just sort of not bringing it up at all, but she was having none of it. And perhaps killing Calix had a part in why I caved so easily on the issue of wearing it; I wouldn’t be surprised if I was feeling some manner of hidden guilt for the probable trauma I caused Emerald, and was dealing with it by assenting to her demands.

Either way, I put the ridiculous thing on, feeling like a total fruit. I swear, the thing did its best to hold up my wings and make them completely noticeable, which was not at all comforting. I don’t know if Rarity actually hated me, or if this was her way of doing me a favor. Heh. She made me a pushup bra for my wings. Now I know how women feel, I guess.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, wondering where I was going to put any weapons, when someone knocked at the door. It was one of the guards, to say, “The liaison is here. She claims she knows you.”

Well, there just went any good feeling I had… Jocasta or Kat, one of the two. At least it wasn’t Rock. He never was that impressed with my fighting ability. Probably because the fighting ability I used was slitting throats instead of using a massive weapon and swinging it around like I owned the place.

I grabbed two of my daggers and put them in my boots. Better than nothing, at least, and it meant I did have some manner of protection if it did turn out to be Kat.

Which, of course, it was.

“Navarone! We have so much to catch up on!” she exclaimed as soon as she saw me. I froze as soon as I saw her. My mind went blank. Oh God. Wait, why is she happy? She ran up to give me a hug that I was too surprised not to return. Her hands behind my back went straight to my wings. I felt my mind caving slightly under the feeling of her touching me like that. Not again… I won’t be her pet again. I felt the reassuring weight of the daggers in my boots and I saw the guards—pony guards—around me. I knew I was in control here, not her. I felt sanity slowly returning to me, and I knew I could do this.

When she released me, I responded, “Yeah, we just might. But first, we got ourselves some business to deal with. I don’t reckon you’ve met our ambassador yet. She should be down in a sec. Name’s Emerald Script.”

“I was told to expect two of them.”

“He’s a bit dead. Killed by bandits on the way in.”

I was saved further explanation by the arrival of Emerald. Kat made a half bow to her after a questioning glance my way and a small nod from me. I introduced the two.

Emerald asked me, “Is this one of the freedom fighters that was with you in the liberation movement?”

“Yeah, she was one of the leaders,” I answered. “You’ll have to ask her for any more information. I was told as little as possible during that episode.”

“I’m right here, you know,” Kat said.

“Yes, I know; you’re rather noticeable,” I responded.

“Now, Navarone, that’s no way to treat guests,” Emerald said.

“Oh, we’re old friends. I understand,” Kat said with a wink at me.

Why the hell aren’t you afraid of me? Although… if I could make that whole relationship dynamic equal, I could actually have fun with this chick… I shook that thought from my mind. After what she did to me? It would take a lot of convincing. “So, Kat, what’s first on today’s agenda?”

“You’re to be greeted by Jim Johnson, our leader.” His real name, I shit you not. “There’s to be a lunch with him and several other leaders. Jocasta and Rock will both be there. I’m glad I don’t have to tell you to change, Nav. Those rags you insisted on wearing in the desert would not be suitable here.”

“I was… convinced… against wearing them,” I said with a pointed look at Emerald.

Kat smiled at her, and said, “I bet magic is a much easier way to get him to do what you want. We had to use ropes and chains.”

Emerald smiled conspiratorially and responded, “Magic is all well and good, but I think I might have to try rope one day. He just doesn’t seem to learn his lesson.”

I couldn’t tell if the guards were smiling at my discomfort or at her joke.

When we left for the palace, Kat made a point in curling her arm around mine. I honestly don’t know if she thought she was trying to compete with Emerald or if she was just trying to be cute. She chatted idly about her time since we had left, intermixed with details of the parts of the city we passed.

The four guards—three day, one night—we brought watched the crowd around us warily, never letting Emerald—or, I noticed with some surprise, me—out of their eyes for long. Emerald was listening to Kat’s talk impassively, smiling at some parts of it and seeming to drift in and out of actually paying attention. I figured she was nervous about meeting everyone while relatively alone. Maybe I really shouldn’t have killed that fellow… It felt like the right thing to me, honestly. Still, I was probably too quick to kill him. What’s done is done, though.

It didn’t take us that long to get to the palace, but the leisurely rate we were walking, and the way we were almost constantly surrounded by a shifting crowd of curious cat people, seemed to make the walk take hours. We made it in ten minutes, but I felt like a day had passed on that walk. I was planning to fly in the future, if I had the option.

Something Kat said actually pricked my ears. I tuned in. “Now that we’re not trying to hide, you’ll have to take me flying one day, Nav. I know for some reason you always took that creepy Miguel with you when you went liberating camps, but I was hoping for more than a short jump. Tell me, is it true that you can sit on clouds?”

“Yeah, I can. Not like we’ll find many of those here, though.” Drop her from way up there, call it an accident… No one has to know. I shook that thought from my head, not liking the idea of murdering anyone, even someone like her.

“I’ve also heard unicorns can change the weather, though,” she said with a pointed gaze at Emerald.

“Some can,” Emerald said. “However, I do not know the technique.”

“Shame. We’ll have to find a solution to that, then.”

“Why? There are plenty of clouds for me to settle on in Equestria. I don’t need any here.”

“So you can hold me up on one, of course! Why else?”

“You might be underwhelmed. Clouds feel very different to someone that isn’t magically attuned to them. For you, they’d feel cold and wet, not at all something most would happily walk on.”

“It is still something I would like to try…” she replied with another tweak of my wings.

It was going to be a long month.

At least Rock and Jocasta didn’t care about me being there. Kat tried to engage them in conversation about me, but they basically said meh and turned away to greet Emerald instead. I wasn’t complaining. I had no idea how much work it took to get Rock to wear a uniform, but he was looking even scarier in it than he had before. And I never really liked Jocasta anyway, after the whole almost causing me to starve while letting me be raped thing.

Though when I realized what their disinterest opened me up to, I started to wish they’d care a bit more. See, we weren’t the only ones at the lunch thing. There was, of course, Jim the leader guy. There were also various dignitaries, and heads of all manner of guilds and cartels and ex-slavers and whatnot. I’m somewhat surprised they even got Rock in here without him cracking some skulls in revenge.

But without Jocasta or Rock to act as a decent buffer, and since Emerald and the guards were occupied, it was pretty much me with Kat still on my arm against all the important people that had heard legends of what I had done and wanted to know more about me, or secure my support for various ideas and projects.

I was floundering in deep water, there. I told what tales I thought were appropriate when that question was asked. Mostly, I told the truth about my exploits. Some of their questions were useless, about personal plans or supporting so-and-so. Thankfully, Kat made herself useful and answered those for me, “Nav doesn’t know much about the local politics yet. Give him a few weeks and he might have an answer.”

I didn’t mention that I was going to be gone in a few weeks.

Jim did make a point to ask me a few questions himself. “So what brings you back to Africa, Navarone? I know your first experience here didn’t paint a nice picture in your mind of our land.”

“I’m here as extra muscle for the security detachment. I fear I’ll be needed now more than ever, after one of our diplomats already had an unfortunate and fatal accident.”

“The deserts are a dangerous place, as I’m sure we both well know. How long are you going to be here?”

“I’m only going to be here for about a month or so, depending on how well Emerald Script settles in. I imagine they’ll be here as long as they’re needed, or allowed.”

“A month, eh? I’ll have to arrange another meeting in that time. We have some matters to discuss, you and I.”

“My first responsibility is to the Equestrian crown, but if I have no responsibilities for the princess to do, I’ll come at your call.”

“You don’t have to fake any nationalism for my behalf, Nav. I know where your loyalties lie.”

To myself and whoever holds my leash at the time, is what I wanted to say. I instead answered with, “You might. Tell me later when you want to talk, and I’ll see if I can be there.”

He nodded, and the swirls of the party swept us around and I found myself facing yet another rich merchant. I sighed inwardly and got ready to tell yet another tale of the last bloody battle we fought.

About an hour after the party thing started, Kat started trying to get me alone. I don’t know if she wanted to talk in private or do something a bit more intimate, but either way, I was forced to deny her.

“I can’t. I’m a part of security. If I leave and something happens, it’ll mean my head.”

“I wasn’t near you when your princess joined us at the canal, but I was able to see her from where I was. The way she was looking at you, she would never harm you. Besides, nothing will happen here. Despite some of their words, even the slavers realize we probably need Equestria’s help, now that we lost our slave labor. No one would dare harm the diplomat.”

“You don’t know Celestia like I do. And you say no one will harm Emerald Script, but I can’t afford to take that chance. We can talk later, back at the embassy.”

After a few more half-hearted attempts to pull me away, she gave up. Despite myself, I realized I actually did want to talk to her later.

About two hours after the party started, I was beginning to wish I had taken her up on that offer. This thing was boring as hell, without someone fun to actually talk to. Emerald’s other guards were taking the wait well, but this is what they were trained for. I was getting bored of answering question after question from various dignitaries about pony politics or my personal stance on things.

A few seemed to think I was closer to Celestia than I actually was, and asked all manner of disturbing questions that I don’t want to repeat here in case she actually reads this.

Several were far more subtle with their questions, asking me small things about the state of Equestria itself. My answers, if I had given them, would have told them all manner of things about Celestia’s leadership and the state of the economy there.

The party was nearing its third hour when I just said fuck it. The dignitaries were leaving and being replaced by a new batch, and I was determined to bail before more people could pester me with questions. Duty is great, and all, but I’m really not the kind of person to just stand around and talk to people like these for hours.

I managed to abandon Kat while she was talking to someone in my stead, and carefully picked my way to Emerald Script. She was looking about as bored as I felt, but hell, this was actually her job.

When she saw me waiting to talk, she made to finish her conversation with the random cat she was talking to, and motioned me forward. I asked, “How’s your first day as an ambassador?” I asked.

“Exhausting. You owe me a lot for killing Calix.”

“It was for the best and you know it.”

“So what did you want? I assume there’s a reason you abandoned your… friend to talk to me.”

“I was planning on asking if I was needed here any longer. Parties like this… they aren’t my style.”

“And you decided to actually consult my opinion first? Shocking.”

“In public, you’re in charge. Besides, I’m supposed to be an operative, basically. If I finish talking to you and then mysteriously disappear, it means they’ll suspect you sent me off to do something. And if I were to do, say, this,” as I pulled a dagger smoothly out of my boot and made a show of cleaning my fingernails as I continued, “and then left, people will suspect what you sent me to do was dangerous, furthering the image I’m supposed to have.”

“And what makes you think we’re being watched? I see no one looking at us.”

“You’re the official star of this party, and I’m the unofficial one. And instead of talking to others, as we’re supposed to be, we’re talking to each other. Everyone in this room is watching us.”

“And if I am asked why you approached me instead of the other way around?”

“You have magic that no one here understands. Just imply that you used it to call me.”

“Based on what you’ve seen so far, how likely is there to be an actual attack here, today?”

“Very unlikely. Your guards are watching people like hawks, and there are local guards spread throughout the crowd disguised like merchants. Anyone other than me that pulls a knife in this party will be put down like a dog before they get within five feet of you.” I sheathed the knife.

“Go, then. But leave your cat friend here. I might need her later.”

“With pleasure.” With a mocking bow and a large smile on my face, I disappeared through a side door I had earlier judged to be unlocked. Thankfully, it led to a corridor instead of a broom closet, which would have been very awkward.

I wandered around the palace for a few minutes, completely and totally lost. I finally approached a servant and asked him to lead me to a balcony. I got an odd look, but I fluttered my wings a bit and he nodded, as if understanding.

When he got me to one, I thanked the fellow, pulled myself onto the ledge, spread my wings wide, and jumped.

It was a nice, short flight back. I scared a few local guards that weren’t expecting any fliers, though.

I found that there was, thankfully, a roof access on our building. I pulled the hatch open from outside and looked in.

And found two assassins looking back at me with complete surprise in their eyes.

Well, shit.

Chapter Twenty-Four—Knives in the... day

Chapter Twenty-Four—Knives in the... day

I don’t know who was more surprised. I just know I recovered first, and slammed the door shut as they tried to pull themselves up, breaking some of their fingers. These two were well trained, though, and made no noise as they forced the door open with me still on it, trying to hold it down.

They were well trained, and I was not trained at all. I had been in a few live fights, but most of what I did was slitting throats, or running away until I could get in the air. All I had were two knives in my boots, while they had who knows what. I took off into the air as soon as they forced the hatch open, and I ripped one of my knives out to throw it, hoping to get lucky.

I did. It hit one of them in the shoulder as he was pulling himself out of the hole. He fell back in, unable to hold himself up.

The other kept coming. Thankfully, they weren’t expecting to be fighting anything outside like this, so they didn’t have any real ranged weapons other than a few knives actually made for throwing. Those, the assassin did his best to hit me with. I got incredibly lucky, as one hit an iron plate in my clothing and bounced off. I’m going to have to kiss Rarity for that… My luck dried up, though, as his next two nailed straight through one of my wings and stuck there.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an injured bird flop to the ground, but to be quite honest it’s kind of funny. I decided I wouldn’t laugh at it anymore, though, now that it happened to me and I know how it felt. I hit the roof of the building hard, and if it wasn’t made of… whatever the hell it was made of, it probably would have collapsed under me.

Honestly, as I saw the assassin walk towards me, I thought that would have been a pretty good thing. I would rather survive with some broken bones than die with a slit throat.

I struggled to my feet and pulled my second dagger out of my boot. The assassin stopped when he saw that.

“If you leave right now, I might consider letting you go,” I told him.

“Your head was not the one requested, but I’m sure we would be paid for it just the same. If you give in now, I’ll make it painless.”

Well, shit. I snapped my fingers in defeat. “Well, I gave it a shot. I’m sure you’ll come to regret this a lot.”

Thankfully, the assassin thought I was a trained specialist fighter, and he approached me very warily. I don’t know what he was expecting me to do, but I know he was not at all expecting me to tackle him. I didn’t even try to use the dagger, I just jumped at him, dragged him to the ground, and then started punching.

He was so surprised that he didn’t bring his dagger to bear until he was already down. When he tried stabbing me, I just grabbed his hand with both of mine and smashed it down onto the roof, forcing him to drop his weapon.

Before I go on, I feel I should mention this: I found out somewhat early on in the Egypt campaign that I was stronger than almost every single cat there. Physically, at least. My bones were tougher and I had more physical strength. They were fast, of course, but I was stronger. If I could get them in a position like this, there was nothing they could do but try to claw me to death.

Which this one most definitely tried to do after I broke his hand that had the dagger. He got one good swipe in on my face before I returned the gesture to his face, breaking his nose and completely knocking him out.

I didn’t trust that, though, so I went ahead and nailed him to the roof by his wrists with his own daggers. That accomplished, I checked my wings for damage.

I almost regretted doing that. My left wing was completely fucked. What were normally white feathers were covered in crimson blood, though both of the daggers were thankfully still in, preventing too much from flowing out. I was hoping they weren’t poisoned, or leaving them in like that would sign my death warrant.

My wing was looking nasty as hell, but I didn’t think there would be any permanent damage, and it didn’t look bad enough to need to be dealt with immediately, so I went to check on the other assassin. I grabbed some daggers from the fellow nailed to the roof and slowly peered down the still open hatch.

“What did you do to my apprentice, you monster?”

“Broke his nose, one of his hands, and nailed him to the ceiling by his wrists. He might survive, but he’ll never use his hands again. Looks like that won’t matter too much to you, though.”

That was true. There’s a major artery or vein—I forget which—leading from the shoulder into the arm. Cut through that and your enemy will die very, very quickly, unless they are able to stem the flow somehow.

This guy wasn’t able to do that, and he was leaking blood all into the room that he was laying in. By the time I got to look at him, he was too weak to even raise his other arm to throw the knife he was barely able to grasp. For good measure, I threw another dagger at him that went straight into his chest. He died hissing.

Look, I don’t take chances, and he was dead anyway.

I was afraid to leave this assassin alive up here, but I knew I couldn’t kill him without questioning him. I was also afraid to jump into the hatch, in case there was another assassin in waiting down there. But I knew I couldn’t get down unless I went in this way; this building wasn’t that huge, but it was big enough that I might break something if I jumped off it, and there was no way I could glide down with my wing like this.

So it was with much trepidation that I jumped into the hatch, landing in a crouch as I looked all around me at once.

Seeing nothing, I ripped the dagger from the assassin’s chest and looked for the door out of this secret room.

It didn’t take me long to find, and not a minute later I and the two guards here were combing the building for any other assassin groups. We didn’t find any, thank God.

Before I let my wounds be bound by one of the cat servants we had, I got one of the guards to boost me up to the ceiling, where I pulled the assassin down and into the building. He was still alive, for better or for worse.

With his wounds cauterized and bound—no reason to waste time cleaning them well if he might not survive the questioning—I finally allowed the daggers to be pulled from my wing.

The daggers were serrated, so it hurt like hell. The wounds were treated as well as possible and bound. I was hoping Emerald knew some healing, but I doubted it.

The cuts on my face hurt worse than the ones on my wings. They stung like a bitch. I was afraid to look in a mirror, but I know it wasn’t pretty. The servants cleaned them and wrapped them as well as possible.

One of the guards asked me, after I had been treated, “Who do you think sent them?”

“Doesn’t matter. They showed their hand, and we have one of them alive. I don’t think I’ll be able to make him talk, but I’ll certainly try.”

The other guard asked, “Do you think we should send word to the ambassador? Or the king?”

“No to both. Assassins here mean there won’t be assassins waiting for her, at least not from the same person. They don’t come cheap, so no one would hire more than they need. These two snuck in when there was almost no one here so they could hide until night. If we show that we already took these two out, there’s a chance that whoever did it will make a move openly while Emerald is surrounded by hundreds of cats that the assassin can blend into. And we can’t tell the king because they might have been his men. If we told him, he could force Emerald Script into somewhere, ostensibly for her safety, but really so he could fabricate a story of how an assassin snuck in to kill her.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Wait for this bastard to wake up, and wait for Emerald Script to get back.”

“Speaking of that, why are you here, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be guarding her?”

“I got bored of the party.”

“Why did Princess Celestia send you here, again?” the day guard asked.

“To deal with shit like this,” with a gesture at the injured assassin. “I’d like to see you try to question him. Hooves have no delicacy, and we couldn’t trust any cat to do it; they might ‘accidentally’ slip a dagger in the wrong place and end the questioning prematurely.”

“You have a scary mind, human.”

Of course, all of my plans were contingent on the assassins being overconfident. If they had someone watching the roof to report success or failure, Emerald might already be dead. There was no need worrying these guards about that, though. If she was dead, we were all three getting the hell out of this place. I wouldn’t even stop to say bye.

Okay, I started thinking about it, and I realized my descriptions about the embassy we were in might be hasty and confused. Realize, though, that I typically don’t write such things as that down, since they stick in my mind enough to make it not worth the paper used to record it. We had five cat servants, though none were trusted enough to be anywhere near our private conversations, like the one I just had with the guards.

There were ten bedrooms primarily dedicated for use by ponies—and me, since I was with them. Two were not in use, since Calix wasn’t here. The two ambassador rooms had decent sized offices in them. I took over the second ambassador room, since it wasn’t exactly being used. All ten of these rooms were on the second floor.

The third floor was storage and servant rooms. I found the assassins hiding up here.

The first floor was everything else: kitchens, dining areas, a small greeting hall, and two sitting rooms. Small hidden rooms were dotted here and there, but most were, as I said, small.

After we found the assassins, I mandated that all hidden rooms were to be kept open, and that if they were ever closed for something they would be presumed to be hiding assassins.

We didn’t have to wait long for the assassin to wake up. And when he did, we definitely knew it: he woke up screaming about his hands.

I slapped him across the face. He kept yelling. I slapped him again. Finally, I covered his mouth with my hand and hoped he wouldn’t bite me.

“When I remove my hand, you will answer my questions.” I waited until some recognition returned to his eyes. “Who hired you?” I removed my hand.

He regained his composure very quickly. “You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Look, I’m not in the mood for this. Every time you refuse to tell me something, I will remove something from your body. I will ask you again, who hired you?”

He didn’t say anything.

I took a dagger, forced his mouth open, and pried out a front tooth.

“Who hired you?”

“You’re crazy!”

“Look, I don’t like hurting people. I really don’t. But if you keep this up, I will keep hurting you. I will remove all your teeth, I will remove your fingers joint by joint, I will remove your toes, and then I’ll just get creative.” He stared at me in horror. “I’m not a trained torturer. I take no pleasure in it, either. But I promise you, I will not let you die if you don’t tell me what I want to know. I will cut off everything, and leave you alive. I will drop you off in the middle of a city with nothing and leave you there, after making sure you’re fed enough to survive for a while. Who hired you?”

I don’t know if it was the pleasant, calm voice I said it in, or the words themselves, but he opened up a bit.

“I… I don’t know who paid the money, but we were contacted by a pony called Joseph. He was red, with a mark of hooves.” Anton…

“Where and when are you to meet him again?”

“In three days, at the base of the Sphinx.”

“What was your mission?”

“Kill the ambassadors.”

“Why?”

“We weren’t told. Please, I don’t know!” It didn’t matter, anyway.

“Was there any manner of code that you needed to get to this pony that contacted you, or did you just have to be there?”

“I don’t know! My partner had all the details!”

I pried another tooth out.

“Please, I don’t know!”

I cut off a knuckle on his left pinky finger, and then cauterized it with a dagger I had sitting in a bed of coals. The two pony guards watching were looking somewhat queasy. I felt the same way; I detest causing pain. I absolutely fucking hate it. But there was a point to this pain. I needed answers if I was going to keep Emerald alive.

The prisoner was trying not to scream. I gave him a minute, and then demanded an answer. He finally gave it, weeping, “The rising sun will not set here.”

“Good…” I gagged him and wiped the dagger off on his coat.

He gazed at me piteously, perhaps wishing for a mercy I was loath to grant him yet.

“First lesson of interrogation: Check information before you kill the prisoner. We’ll see if your contact is where he’s supposed to be, first. So,” I said, turning to the guards, “how do we dispose of bodies discreetly here?”

They both looked like they were about to be sick.

I sighed. “I have to do everything around here, don’t I?”

In the end, I stripped the body of everything useful and wrapped it in a carpet. I tied the bundle to the back of one the guards and told them to dump it in the Nile while no one was looking.

Seriously.

I could have actually disposed of it in a smart way, if I cared enough, but I didn’t have the time or the room, or some of the supplies. If I had more time before Emerald got back I would have, at the very least, carried it a day into the desert. But I also had a date to make with Anton.

Still, I figured the Nile had a pretty high number of bodies dumped into it, and one more wouldn’t raise too many suspicions.

Rarity’s poor clothes… They were pretty covered in blood, now, and cut in some places from the knife that hit iron plates and bounced oddly. I know I said I hated the getup, but I also know that a lot of work went into it, and I regret that it had to come to such a sad end. Especially after it saved my life.

I went up to my room to change.

When I was up there, I saw a mirror. Oh yeah, that’ll be a scar… Thankfully, he missed my eyes, my nostrils, and my lips. Still, the cuts went pretty deep. Magic might be able to stop it from scarring, but I don’t know. All in all, though, I think I came out of that encounter on top. Thank God for luck, I suppose.

I changed and then went to wait for either Emerald or the two guards, whoever got back first.

While I waited, I worked to catch up on my journal. I did what I could, but my head was starting to hurt. Not the stinging hurt from the cuts, but a headache caused by the pain of the cuts. Or at least, that’s what I was hoping it was; I didn’t think to ask the assassin if any of his stuff was poisoned.

So much for the coming spring I was promised. I left in our spring and got here in their fall, soon to be winter. And here I was, killing people again. This time I even had the choice—and a good reason—to have kept Calix alive. I still hate killing sapient life, detest it even, but it’s starting to feel less and less like something I’m forced to do and something I just accept as necessary.

If this is what the future holds in store for me, I’m glad I haven’t taken Celestia’s offer of near eternal life.

Emerald took another hour to get back with her escort of four guards and Kat. Emerald took one look at my face and blood-stained wing and ordered everyone else out of the room. “What happened?”

“Assassins waiting in a hidden room upstairs. One dead, one upstairs, bound. I have the name, location, and time they need to meet their contact.”

“Where’s the body of the dead one?” Not how did he die, but where are the bodies. This chick was going places.

“The guards that were here are dumping it in the Nile. I removed everything of value from him first, so it would look like a robbery if he’s found.”

“What do you think we should tell the king?”

“Nothing, until I meet with the contact. We don’t know if the king is the one behind it.”

“He could give us help we desperately need, now that we know we’re a target.”

“Help that could wait until our backs are turned before slipping a knife in us. We wait until we deal with the contact. The problem is, I know this guy, the contact. He knows how I look when I wear desert clothes, so I can’t be the one that meets him, not personally. We need two cats we can trust to go, or I can shoot him from afar and move in close to secure him before he can get too far away. Or we can abandon all subtlety and just sprint in and take him.”

“It might send a better message if we just don’t show up. I don’t know if I want to risk anypony going after this guy. You dealing with these assassins might be enough of a message to the rest.”

“I’ll be gone in a month. I’d rather take out the man that sent the assassins than hope that he won’t send any more.”

“Who could we send to collect their contact, though?”

“Without telling anyone, I don’t know. I would say the best thing to do would be to just take him out as fast as possible, but I can’t fly with my wings like this. I could shoot him from afar and send the guards in to collect him, but he might not be alone. I know our guards are fighters, but being outnumbered against people with actual weapons would not end well for them.”

“If you really think we need to do this, that might be the best option.”

“Well, I did say I wanted to see the Sphinx… The contact will be there in three days. I don’t know when, so I guess we’ll be camping there for a bit.”

“What should I do in the meantime?”

“Act natural. If anyone asks why I’m injured, just say it had to do with why I left the party.”

“What if the contact isn’t there? If I’m seen after today, and no big fuss is made about me being dead, he probably won’t even show up.”

Shit, why didn’t I think of that? Oh right, because I learned all of this from books, not from actually figuring it out. “We still need to try. If he doesn’t show, he doesn’t show. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

“What about the assassin that’s still alive?”

“Depending on how the meeting with the contact goes, I’ll drag the assassin to the king and use him as proof that we were attacked. If we find out that the king ordered the attack, we use the assassin as proof that the king tried to kill us.”

“Can I see him?”

“I don’t know if you want to. If you think I look bad, this guy might make you sick. He was… reluctant… to share information.”

“You didn’t… torture him?”

“When I ask questions, I expect an answer.”

“You monster!”

“I know. I don’t suppose you know how to heal?”

“I wouldn’t heal you if I could! I might have some mercy on the prisoner, but not you, not after that!”

“He was going to kill you! I was just protecting you!”

“Take me to him.”

Judging by her tone, I probably shouldn’t have. But I did anyway, because what other choice did I really have?

He was passed out or dead, I don’t know which. Blood loss and shock probably had him near death. The gag was bloody from the teeth I removed, and the coagulated blood from his wrists and pinky made nasty little pools where he lay. The mass of burnt tissue and fur on both arms where I nailed him to the roof made it quite clear he would never use his hands again.

Emerald took one look at him and left the room. She refused to even look at me.

I went to find Kat and the other guards. I found her idly toying with the ends of one of their wings, much to that guard’s discomfort. The other guards were watching with veiled humor.

“Guards, go talk to Emerald Script. She has a bit to fill you in on.”

They left, after giving my injuries several odd looks. Kat was staring at the dried blood staining my wing.

When the guards left, she asked, “What happened to you, Nav?”

“I ran into a scrap. Tell me, do you recognize this?” I asked, handing her one of the assassin’s daggers.

She was clearly surprised to see it, and dropped it in shock when she looked at it. “Where did you get this?”

“I ran into two cats that seemed to think it was a good idea to attack me.”

“Did you kill them?”

“I killed half of them. The other one lives, but is in no position to attack again.”

“Good! The guild that these two work for will only take on a single job to take out a target. If they fail, they will never try again, since the target earned the right to live by taking out the assassins sent.” People here are so stupid! Why is honor such a big factor in this world?

“How do you know so much about them?”

“They used to use slaves as assassins.” She left it at that. Interesting…

“I need you to not tell the king about this yet, if you can avoid it. Their contact is due to meet them in three days, and I don’t know if it was the king that hired them to do this.”

“The contact will never show up if the mark isn’t dead. And you can’t afford to fake a death, not this soon. And I have to tell the king. It’s my job.”

“I’ll let you help wash my wing if you wait.”

“I don’t know if it would be worth it, Nav. I’m really fond of my head.”

“If anyone asks why you didn’t tell him, just say that you didn’t know. If anyone asks how I got injured, just say that it was part of why I was sent from the party.”

Her eyes widened a bit. “That’s why you left? How did she know there were assassins?”

“She’s a unicorn. They have magic.” Well, that sounds better than, ‘I don’t like parties so I left and got lucky when I ran into them.’

“You are a very dangerous team, you and that unicorn.”

“That’s why I’m here. Do we have an agreement?”

“Throw in letting me see the assassin before you kill him, and yes.”

“If he’s still alive, you can. I don’t know if he’ll survive what I did to him.”

“You’ll have to tell me the story while we’re… washing.”

An indeterminate amount of time later found us lounged on my bed, with me lying across her lap and her idly stroking my healthy wing—which actually felt kind of nice, now that it wasn’t forced. Still don’t know why she isn’t scared… or why I’m letting this happen. But it feels good, so can I really complain?

“You realize, of course, that if you show up, there will probably be a trap,” she was saying.

“Shit, you’re right.” She was, now that I thought about it. It would be the perfect chance to catch and kill the guards—and me—that came to try to collect the informant. “Dammit, that means we either can’t go or we’re going to have to be very careful. God, I wish we could trust mercenaries…”

“What would you say if I could get you the strongest fighter and best assassin in Egypt?”

“I’d say no.” I paused. “Christ, one way or another we’ll have to tell the king. Might as well get a contingent of guards to help us.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“As I recall, we weren’t exactly on the best of terms when I left. And there’s only so many favors I’m willing to accept before I start thinking you’re saving up for something.”

She snorted at that. “What could I possibly need from a citizen of Equestria?”

“Depends on what you’re looking for. Adventure, escape, who knows?”

She flinched when I said escape. “Well, I was going to wait a while to bring this up, but… It’s nice, working with Jocasta and Rock, but there are still some cats here in Egypt that don’t much like the idea of me walking free. That problem might be solved with that assassin you have locked up, it might not. If he’s the one, or his friend was, I owe you more than you can possibly know.”

“If you want, we can go see him now. He might be awake. Now that I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to tell the king anyway, I don’t see any problem with it.”

She got a very vicious smile on her face. I warned her, “Don’t kill or hurt him anymore than he already is. We might still need him as proof.”

“Don’t worry, Nav. No matter what kind of training your sadistic princess might have given you, no one knows how to torture better than I. I know the limits of every cat’s body, just by looking at it.”

Kat scares me more and more every time I talk to her.

The day guard Emerald posted was reluctant to let Kat through. “Navarone, Emerald Script said no cat was to enter this room.”

“She got that instruction from me. I’m rescinding it. This Kat just pointed out something that likely saved all our lives anyway, so the least you could do is stand aside.”

“I don’t know…” he said. “Do you think we should at least ask the ambassador first?”

“She isn’t talking to me right now. Move.”

With a very uncertain look at Kat, he did. I didn’t have to look behind me to know she had a Cheshire cat grin on her face.

That smile lessened when she saw the fellow on the table. “That’s an apprentice,” she told me. “An older one, but an apprentice. You might have killed the master he was working under. And you almost killed this one, looking at him. What did you do to him, Nav?”

“I’m not as good at torturing people as you are. I just cut pieces of him off until he talked. He’s missing a few teeth and a knuckle. And he’ll never use his hands again.”

“Killing him will be a mercy, then. An assassin is no good without hands. Can you wake him up?”

I prodded the fellow. He groaned as he woke up, and I swear I think he almost teared up when he saw me.

Kat saw that and giggled. “There’s something to be said for crudeness, I suppose. Remember me, Mark?”

The prisoner turned his head at her and his eyes widened even more. I removed his gag.

“Cleo? You’re supposed to be… My master was right!”

“You’re lucky I’ve promised not to hurt you, or you would be feeling more pain for using that name. Still, I know a few ways to bribe my friend here. He might let me have some fun with you. So watch your tone, boy.”

“What do you want, traitor?”

She looked to me. I shook my head, slightly.

“Information,” she answered, frowning. “Your master is still the one that wanted me dead, yes?”

He tried spitting at her, but nothing but a wee bit of blood dribbled down his mouth. Kat looked at me again. I sighed.

I thought about this for a while, as I was writing this, and I decided not to describe anything she did to him. The guard came in as soon as he started screaming, and watched in mute horror. Before, the guards just looked like they might be sick. This one actually was, at one point. I almost joined him, a few times. And the prisoner never once lost consciousness.

Kat got the information she wanted, in the end. And when she did, she couldn’t stop hugging me. With her nasty, gore-encrusted hands.

As it turns out, the fellow I had killed was the main supporter in the assassination cartel that was trying to round up all the escaped assassin slaves to either force them back into the cartel or deal with them in a more permanent manner. With that fellow dead, she was safe. As safe as anyone here, at least.

Talk about coincidence. And luck. If that other guy I killed was a master assassin, and this apprentice gave me a run for my money, I wouldn’t have had a snowball’s chance in hell against the master.

I nodded at the guy on the table, “So what do we do with him now?”

“Give him to the king. I don’t care.”

“Will he survive that long?”

“Oh, yes. Nothing I did is fatal, just remarkably painful.”

Holy shit, that could have been me on that table… “I’m glad you don’t know how to do that to me.”

“Oh yes, I’d need to study you much better to know how to cause you that much pain. You may be bipedal, but you’re hardly a cat. I can torture cats, dogs, and I know a little about ponies. I wouldn’t even want to try a naga. I have no idea where to even start with you. If you want, though, we can go and I can study you a bit more…”

The guard stared at her with open incredulity. I felt much the same. She had just tortured a dude, with a smile on her face the whole time, and now she wanted to…

Now I remember why I thought she was crazy.

Thankfully, I had a very good excuse. “Sadly, I must pass. As you said, there’s likely to be a trap set for us. I need to talk Emerald Script into letting me give this guy to the king, after I talked her out of it earlier. And that requires getting her to talk to me again at all.”

“What did you do to put a bee in her bonnet?” How the hell would she know that idiom?

“She’s a pony. A noble, at that. She doesn’t like torture.”

Kat looked at her paws. Her bloody, gore splattered paws. “Maybe I shouldn’t go with you when you talk to her.”

“That might be for the best. Go wash up. I’ll have you take us back to the palace after I talk to Emerald Script.” I turned to the guard, “And not a word of this to Emerald Script. If she asks how he got like this, pretend you don’t speak English.” I honestly didn’t know if he was going to obey that. His morals should say he should tell her. Chain of command and fear says he shouldn’t. Logic says he should. Hell, she was going to be in charge of him longer than I was; might as well get in her good graces.

Actually, thinking about it, I don’t know how the chain of command dictated this. I mean, technically I was outside of it, not on top of it. I was here as a direct agent of the crown, basically an inquisitor. I don’t know if that gave me rank over that of an ambassador in the guards’ minds, though.

I think I was going to find out soon, though.

Kat went off to the washroom. The guard took his post again. I went off to find Emerald. Thankfully, I found her looking for me. She had a letter with her from Celestia. She gave it to me without a word, and refused to acknowledge me further. This is going to be harder than I thought.

I sighed and opened the letter.

It read, “I expected you to wait longer to kill Calix. I sent you there with him so you would, though I will deny it to your dying day if you tell anypony I said that. I was expecting you to end up killing Emerald Script as well, honestly, but after looking at her reports, I don’t think that will be the case.

“It is very good that you managed to deal with those assassins. But I will never allow or condone torture. From this point on, you are forbidden from torturing a prisoner in my name, for any reason. I don’t care what kind of information you think the prisoner might have. Don’t even bother asking me for permission.

“Now that I think you might trust Emerald Script, I will actually put some real faith in this mission. I was honestly expecting it to fail. Maybe it was something you said to her, but she seems to have handled herself fine on the first day.

“I know you find this hard, but you must trust the king. If he betrays you, it honestly won’t matter if you succeed or fail in this mission; I cannot support another rebellion right now. The king they have is the king they’ll keep, as far as I’m concerned. If he betrays you, get out of Egypt however you can. I will allow you to do anything to do that, even torture, if it means you, Emerald Script, and the guards get back safely.

“Trusting the king means giving him the assassin. By the time you read this, Emerald Script will probably have already ordered him moved. She is very upset with you. In fact, she wanted you called back to Equestria for discipline immediately. I think some things I told her will put her back on speaking terms, but it’s up to you to close that gap back up. Honestly, though, it doesn’t really matter. Depending on how this situation with the assassin goes, you might soon be on your way back anyway. I don’t want to cause the king political trouble by keeping you there.

“I’m expecting a full report when you get back. And expect to see Luna when you do, as well.”

I looked up and noticed Kat standing behind me, trying to read over my shoulder. “Who’s Luna?” she asked as I turned.

“Celestia’s sister. Don’t read my orders.”

“That looks more like a personal letter than orders, to me.”

“Celestia is very informal.”

“I’ll say, letting her subjects call her by name.”

“Most people don’t, out of respect. I’m just a bad person.”

“Are you sure it isn’t that there’s something going on between you two?”

“I’m not attracted to ponies.”

“But you have no problems with cats?”

“You look a hell of a lot more like a human than they do.” And I suppose I got used to it while it was forced is something I kind of wanted to say.

She sniffed at that. “I’d be willing to put good salt on your princess being willing to take you as a lover, if you asked.”

“Trust me when I say she wouldn’t even consider it. Drop it.”

“Fine. But you’re the one missing out.”

I can just imagine Celestia laughing her ass off if she was eavesdropping on that conversation. Either way, I think it’ll be something to leave out of my ‘report.’

“Now, we need to head Emerald Script and the guards off, if they are escorting this prisoner to the king. Yes, we have to let him go, but I should probably be there when he gets presented.”

“Nav, you’re not all important. Put some faith in your ambassador. That might be a good way to get back on her good side.”

“This is a hell of a thing to trust her with. If she screws this up, she might piss the king off as badly as if it was actually him that sent the assassins. And if it was him, I might have to pull her out of the fire.”

“If it was the king, there’s nothing you can do. And trust has to start somewhere. Might as well be here.”

“…Was it the king?”

“As far as I know, no, it wasn’t. And I’m not lying, either. My word, to the one that saved my life.”

I sighed. “Fine. But if it ends up with our heads on the block, do your best to speak on my behalf. If Emerald screws it up, that’s on her. But I don’t want to lose my head for her mistake.”

“I won’t let the king kill you. I know a few good places to hide you, if it comes to that.”

“I’ll go ahead and tell you that the last time I tried hiding in a king’s harem, it didn’t turn out well for me at all. I don’t even want to talk about it.”

“Well, I still have plenty of other hiding spots, but that was actually one of them. You’ll have to tell me that story one day.”

“That might be a bad idea, for more reasons than one.” Namely, that it never happened. “But if I can’t watch to make sure Emerald does the right thing, I will at least need to know what she does. Would you be willing to go and spy for me?”

“I’m hardly privy to the king’s briefings with foreign powers.”

“But you are an ex-assassin. I’m sure you could manage to sneak in.”

“Hm… Will you promise to take me flying?”

“If my wing heals before I leave, and I don’t have any duties preventing me, yes. With my wing as it is, I don’t know if I could get myself in the air, let alone someone else.”

“You’re lucky we’re such good friends, human. I don’t think I’d let many people talk me into something like this.”

“A friend with benefits is the best kind of friend there is.”

“We don’t have that term here, but I think I know what you mean. We call it something else.” I think I could guess.

“Good luck, and thanks. Report back whenever you can.”

“What will you be doing, in the mean time?”

“I wish I could say that I would be starting up a spy network across the city, but these wounds really, really hurt. Hell, I don’t know how to set up something like that anyway. You’ll have to help me with it.”

“Why would you even need it?”

“It’s in the best interest of a foreign ambassador to know how the people feel about them. That way, they know how hard they can push the king. If the king tries to go to war or kick out the ambassador of a popular nation, the people will be unhappy. And the people here just got done with one manner of revolution, so don’t think that won’t be fresh on their mind.” Thank God for all those books I read. Hopefully following them will turn out well.

“It is good you are able to think in matters of politics. My specialties are somewhat… different. I might help you make your network, later. For now, I will see you soon.”

I went to find how many guards I was left with. I wasn’t planning on doing anything, but I needed to know if they were still in my camp, after Emerald found out what happened to the prisoner. I could foresee a few problems if she was trying to undermine my authority over them. The authority that might or might not exist. It would be good, in the long run, if they were supporting Emerald over me.

But at the same time, I knew that if I had only Kat’s support in the coming days, I would run into several problems. First, that I’d lose legitimacy. I would look more like an agent of the king rather than an agent of Celestia. Second, I didn’t know how far I could trust Kat. She said I saved her life, but that could have been a ruse to get my trust. That assassin definitely knew her, but he didn’t confirm anything she told me, and the things he did say could have been said under stress of torture. She could just be working for the king to get into my inner circle, to hopefully learn whatever she could. Which could have been why she was reading over my shoulder. Third, working with her for too long would drive me mad. Fourth, I’ll need the guards’ trust if I’m to keep the ambassador safe, even if she is being bitchy. And finally, they’re just fun to talk to sometimes.

With that in mind, I went to find a guard. When I did, I said, “So the ambassador is kind of mad at me.”

The day guard didn’t say anything.

“I need to know, how long are the guards going to be on my side?”

He looked away.

I said, “I know you’re only following orders. And I know you don’t like what I did to the prisoner. But some things have to be done. You have your orders and I have mine. And you’re wise to listen to her over me; in the long run it will benefit you more. Assuming she survives. But I will likely need some help in the coming weeks with things that the ambassador will not approve of. I may be an agent of the crown, but I’m not perfect. Will I be able to count on the support of the guards?”

He took a minute to respond. “I can’t speak for us all. I detest what you did to that prisoner. It sickened me. And then you let that… monster at him. But I understand that you are doing it for Equestria, and to build trust with the king here. Our loyalty is to Equestria and Celestia above all else, even the ambassador. If you can give a good reasoning for what you do, and I can get away from the ambassador, I will help you if you call. But I cannot speak for the rest.”

“That’s all I can ask for, I suppose. If you’re going to be supporting me, the first thing I’ll need help with is an escape route. I need as many as I can get. Assume in some that we have the ambassador and that in some we don’t, so we can utilize wings.”

“Why would you want our help with that?”

“Because I can’t think of everything myself. There will always be something I’ll miss. The more people that scrutinize a plan, the better the chances of ironing out all the small problems.” And the more likely that plan is to be scrapped.

“I’ll give it some thought.”

I nodded, thanked the fellow, and went up to my room. My face really was burning where it was scratched. The cuts weren’t large, but they were deep. There was a lot to do. Escape routes to plan, spy networks to build, important people to get on our side, Anton to deal with… Well, it would be interesting, anyway. Maybe I read too many books, back in the day… Normal people don’t think like this.

Kat didn’t report back to me until the next morning, which I honestly didn’t mind that much. It was pretty late by the time Emerald and the guards got back anyway, so it probably would have been later by the time she got back. Either way, I was asleep, so she would have had to wake me up.

And when I did wake up, I woke up groaning. My head was pounding and my wing wasn’t that much better. I checked my face in the mirror and saw fresh blood on the bandages. Not much, but enough that they had to be changed.

I was doing that when Kat waltzed in, without knocking and with no announcement. I heard the door open and was scrambling for a dagger before I realized it was her. She smiled at that.

“I have good news for you, Navarone,” she said, as she sat on my bed. “But I don’t know if I should give it to you, yet. You still seem rather… undressed.”

“Doors were invented for a reason.” I didn’t even bother hastening to cover up, but I did at least put some pants on.

“You didn’t have to put anything on, you know. I could think of some fun things to do after I tell you the news.”

“Pleasure will have to wait, I fear. There is much to be done and I’ve only a short while in which to do some of it.”

“Fine, have it your way. You won’t have to deal with the informer at all. The king has taken over the investigation.”

“Shit. That’s good and bad. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.”

“Less work for you.”

“And I have no way to influence how it works out. And I have no way of knowing if the king will be honest in his dealings with the assassin cabal, if he ever roots them out. I don’t even know if he’ll try. Good for the king, that he’s doing this, but not as good for me. He gets the approval from the people that he’s actively trying to root out crime, and everyone that’s pro-Equestria will be happy he’s helping us.”

“Either way, it is still good for your image, especially given that little show you put on at the party before you left.”

“True.” I wasn’t about to tell her that image was the only reason I was here anyway. I don’t know why I had so many plans in the first place. Honestly, all I had to do was spend the month looking threatening. Escape plans are always good to have, of course. But the spy network was completely my idea and mostly unnecessary. I just wanted to try it because I thought it would be interesting.

“Did Emerald Script handle herself well during the interview?”

“Remarkably so. It wasn’t how I would have handled it, but she did very well for herself. You’re worrying over nothing, Nav. She’ll be fine.”

“Good enough for me. What did the king do with the assassin?”

She smiled. “You can hear his screams from half a kilometer away.”

“Emerald Script will be pleased at that, I imagine…”

“That was the one stickling point. She proposed to let him go. The king… disagreed.”

“Good that he did. I don’t want to let the enemy know what I’m capable of.”

“You took out an assassination team headed by a high master. I think they’re well aware of what you can do.” Luck. Lots and lots of luck.

“Personally, I’d have just killed the fellow. No reason to keep him alive anymore, other than sadistic glee.”

“Maybe for your kind of investigation. But when you want to take down the entire cabal, everything you can learn is useful. Shame you killed the master and captured the apprentice.”

“What’s done is done. I don’t know what Emerald Script has planned for the day, but now that the whole assassin problem is being dealt with, I would like to get started on that spy network. I figure the first place we should start is the brothels.”

“You would say that.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, but still.” I know it sounds odd, but who hears the most news in a city? Brothels, of course. When men have sex, they talk. And when men come in on caravans or whatnot, the first place they go is to a brothel. So if you can get the brothels reporting to you things that people say, you’ll often hear news from outside of the town before anyone else does, and in a generally more pure way, without having to deal with rumors.

“After that, I was thinking about hitting up taverns, seeing who is pro-Equestria and who isn’t. Slip a little gold here and there, see who is willing to send a few scraps of info our way.”

“Better be careful with bits, in this city. Flash too much of that and footpads might get a little eager with their knives.”

“Between you and me, I think we can handle everything that comes after us. And if all else fails, either of us could requisition a detachment of guards to escort us back to friendly territory.”

“If we have to do that, your entire network will collapse. It would be all over the streets.”

“I’d rather be alive with nothing than dead with something.”

“Just saying,” she answered with a shrug.

“I don’t really care what the criminals are doing here, so we really don’t have to hit too many seedy taverns anyway.”

“It’s always a good idea to know what the criminal element is doing.”

“For me and you, maybe. But I won’t be here forever. Emerald won’t care, when she inherits the system.”

“Do you honestly think she’ll use it anyway?”

“If she’s as smart as you think she is, yes. Information networks can go both ways. Slip something you want known out, and you can get it spread all over the city in a heartbeat.”

“If you’ve never done this before, how do you know so much about it?”

I read a lot. “Training.”

“Sounds good to me, then. Shall we go see what the ambassador plans?”

“Might as well,” I said. “If she’s willing to talk to me.”

I put on more clothing, and finished changing the bandage first. No reason to go to her half naked and bloody.

When we got to the ambassador’s room, the guard let us in with a small warning, “Be careful, Navarone.”

Emerald was at a desk, writing. She looked up when I entered, and said, “Sit, Navarone, Kat.”

I still haven’t figured out why ponies have chairs. How the hell do they sit down?

Anyway, we both did. Kat was about to say something, but I took her hand and shook my head slightly, then let her go. Emerald was trying the same trick Jocasta pulled on me: Wait them out to make them give up control in the conversation. If Kat was on my side here, and she spoke first, it would hurt me.

So we waited. Thankfully, Emerald didn’t have much time to try to outwait us, and gave up that tactic after ten minutes.

“I trust your letter from the princess suited you,” she said to me, looking up.

“I’m glad I got it when I did. A few minutes sooner and it would have put a real damper on things.” She pursed her lips. I knew antagonizing her probably wasn’t a wise move, especially now, but eh.

“I was beginning to think, before this incident, that you truly regretted what happened with Calix.” She was being discreet because Kat was there, I assumed. “But this little episode is making me think otherwise. The letter I received from the princess paints you in an interesting light, but she is not here. She is not seeing what I am seeing. She did not see the body of that cat as he struggled to breathe. Why she is letting you, of all ponies, represent Equestria is beyond me.”

I can honestly see where Emerald is coming from with that, and looking back I can agree. These cat people have had one oppressive and torturous regime after another. They’ve known crime, torture, and oppression. Now, they finally have a chance for peace, and to be allied with a massive, strong, peaceful foreign empire. But their image for that empire is me. I was there at the revolution and I’m here now. I’m violent, ‘powerful,’ and strong. And I represent the interests of a peaceful nation. What kind of ‘better tomorrow’ do I promise? I would just seem like more of the same, once you got past the whole revolution thing.

So yes, I can see where she’s coming from. But at the same time, I did what had to be done. There is no other way around it. I would not have known what I now know without asking the questions I did, and using the methods I did to ask them.

So I just said, “You’ve heard my rationalizations. There is no need for me to explain it again. What is on today’s agenda?”

“The king is keeping me out of sight until the day after they try to intercept the contact. I’m to remain here until then. You, however, are to be seen about in the city, asking questions. Kat, would you kindly leave us for a moment?”

Kat stood up and, with a small bow, walked out.

When she was gone, Emerald said, “Your fascination with her cannot get in the way of your duties. Or in the way of my duties. And you can’t take her back to Equestria, either, so don’t even get that thought in your head.”

“Why the hell would I want to do that? That bitch scares the hell out of me! I wouldn’t have her anywhere within a hundred miles of either princess, or any of my friends.”

“But you have no problem being around her, or letting her come here?”

“She is useful. But she has a price, of course.”

“Keep that price in mind when you deal with her. If it is something you alone cannot pay, don’t accept her help. I don’t want to get Equestria involved in your debts.”

“Different kind of price,” I said, with a general motion I’m sure she understood.

“And the king gave her to us as a guide? This place is crazy, Navarone.”

“I warned you. I warned the guards. I warned Celestia. Just be glad we’re not down in the Congo. The heart of darkness down there would have driven all of you mad.”

“…What?”

“Nothing. Just something from back in my world. What kind of questions do I need to be asking?”

“Anything. Offer bribes, if you have to. Those, the treasury will cover, if I deem them necessary.” Perfect. “I would order you to take guards, but they wouldn’t follow that order if I gave it. I don’t know what you did to them, but they seem to be on your side more often that they’re on mine.”

“Their loyalty is to the princesses above all else. And she gave you the status of ambassador and me the status of agent of the crown. Agents are usually outside of the chain of command, meaning that I can usually avoid having to follow orders given but can at the same time give orders, if I can justify them well enough. Doesn’t mean they have to be followed, though.”

“Why did Princess Celestia tell me none of this?”

She was expecting you to piss me off so I’d kill you. “She probably wasn’t expecting me to actually take my role seriously.”

“I will have to request updated instructions on how to deal with you.”

Rule one: Don’t piss me off. Rule two: Let me do what I need to do.

“If that’s all you need, I’ll leave. The sooner I get into position the sooner I can get to doing nothing.”

She dismissed me.

Kat was waiting for me in my room.

Wearing nothing.

I sighed. The things I do for Equestria…

An indeterminate amount of time later, we were both getting kicked out of a brothel by a very large cat.

Thankfully, I was disguised, but that was hardly a consolation. When the door had been slammed behind us, I turned to her and said, “I thought you had done this before!”

“No, I let you assume that I had done this before. I’ve used a spy network, but I’ve never built one.”

“…” I gave her a look mean enough so that she could hear the ellipsis.

“What?”

I shook my head. “If we keep this up we’re going to get killed. Violently. Let’s head back to the richer side of the city. At least there I can do what I’m supposed to be actually doing, with considerably less risk.” And I can possibly build something up by making pointed remarks.

We started walking. She said to me, “If you really want to keep what you’re doing here hidden, we should probably lose our tails.” Meaning someone was following us. Great.

“Kill or evade?”

“Evade if possible, kill if not. Shame you can’t fly yet.”

We both had rucksacks with spare clothes in them, so we could move around the city with less notice. The problem with that, of course, means that we were carrying bags with something in them in the poor parts of the city. If there’s a bag, it means you have something. Something that could be worth something.

Unless our trail knew I was human, all I had to do was take off my head mask and they’d probably turn around and walk away. Or run away, probably. But that could present problems, as they probably just saw me get kicked out of a brothel. What we needed was a place to hide for a few minutes so we could both change, or so at least I could change.

But experienced cutpurses are very good at not letting their target get out of sight, or at least not for long.

Thankfully, we were in a pretty crowded area, and neither of us actually had purses on us. They would have to confront us directly in order to get at our money, and not even a mass of poor people would let a thief get away. It was more of an annoyance than anything, really. We couldn’t get too far into the richer areas without getting kicked out by guards, but neither could the follower. We couldn’t change, because we might be seen. So we were stuck until we dealt with him or lost him.

“We could just politely ask him to leave,” I suggested.

“How confident are you in your running skills?”

“Cats are faster than I am. But I’m stronger than most cats. Fighting this fellow shouldn’t be that hard.”

“I’ve dealt with footpads in the past. But I have never, ever tried reasoning with one. That sounds… interesting.”

I wasn’t expecting her to actually take me seriously. She turned and walked up to a fellow that was standing near a door, looking somewhat confused. I followed her. “So, why are you following us?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he responded.

“I would very much appreciate it if you stopped,” I said.

“And how else am I supposed to feed my family?” he asked vehemently. “Being in slavery for all of my life gave me no useful skills and no money! This is all I can do!”

“Not our problem. Follow us and you’ll catch a blade in your heart, if you’re lucky,” Kat said. The poor cat following us looked like he was about to cry.

I had a bit of an idea, and snapped my fingers. I removed my head piece. The ex-slave gasped, as did a few of the cats that had stopped to watch. Now the kid really looked like he was about to run away or just die on the spot.

“Let’s go for a little walk. I think you and I should talk,” I said. Kat gave me a look that I ignored as I grabbed the fellow gently by the arm. He barely tried to resist as I led him along.

When we were away from most of the spectators, I put my head piece back on and led the group down a small alley.

“Now,” I said, “despite what you may have heard, I’m not a monster. Well, sort of not a monster. Either way, I’m not a terrible person.” A lie, of course.

“I heard you killed a thousand cats on the March of Liberation!” he accused me.

“More like ten, at most. Most of what I did was letting people free or planning. Now, in the end I was probably responsible for that many deaths, but it was not my hand that did it.”

“I also heard you took on ten assassins at once recently!”

“How did that already get out?” I asked Kat. She shrugged. “Whatever. It was two. I killed one and captured the other. They attacked me first, and were going to attack my ambassador. How does that make me a monster?”

“Only a monster could kill two assassins like that.”

“Or a well-trained Agent of the Equestrian Crown.” I made sure you could hear the capitals.

“A peaceful nation produced such a violent agent?”

“Sometimes violence is what is needed to get the job done. Sometimes, but not always. You, for example, could have been taken care of with violence. Reason and compassion are occasionally good ways of dealing with things.”

“So you talk to me and let me go. What good will that do me? I’ll still starve because of your actions!”

I dug in my pocket and held up a bit. “I’m offering you a job. Gold for information. I won’t be here forever, and I can’t keep our ambassador informed of how the city feels. I need to plant seeds and find people that are willing to send information to her. She will need to know how the people feel about Equestria and several other things. Those rich nobles she’ll normally be talking to will tell her nothing but what she wants to hear. But the people will tell her the truth.”

“So you want me to spy for you. Spy on my own people, for money.”

“Not spying. Just telling her things she needs to know.” So yes, spying. “What kind of important secrets will a peasant find? All you are doing is telling her how the city feels. You’re finding opinions, not facts. And possibly news, if you think it is important.”

“What makes you think anything I say will be important?”

“You are a freed slave. You are one of many. Ask friends and family questions. Ask them opinions. And when you report to the ambassador, ask her for questions to ask them. If you prove useful, you will be rewarded. If not, well, at least you tried. And if nothing else, it is a better job than risking your life as a thief. And it will give you some bits that you can use to get started learning useful skills.”

He was silent for a few seconds. “I’ll try,” he finally said. “If nothing else, this money will keep me alive for a while. Where do I go to report?”

Oh, shit. “I don’t suppose you know how to write?”

He smiled nastily. “That’s the one thing I was taught, as a slave. I was a record keeper.” And that’s not a useful skill? Fucking Egypt, man.

“If you can, write up your reports and drop them off at the embassy. Just ask any guard where it is.”

“Asking a guard where the embassy is looking like that will get you booted right back to the lower city,” Kat said. She explained to him where it was. I nodded in thanks.

“Mark your notes for ‘The Dude.’” To be honest, I had never seen that movie, but I thought it was a neat sounding name. Not like they would catch the reference anyway. “Oh, and don’t tell anyone you’re reporting to us, either.”

“I won’t tell a soul. Thank you for this, Sphinx.” He bowed slightly and ran off.

“Well, that’s one contact, at least,” I said. I caught Kat smiling at me. “What, imagining me changing already?”

“You just always seem to find a way to surprise me.”

“I’m good at that. Let’s get out of this place.”

The rest of the day was spent in richer bars and inns, playing dice games for small sums and asking questions. Kat was relatively well known, and I was very well known, so we had no lack of company. I asked a few pointed questions in each tavern about assassin cabals, and covered them up with various other questions about the culture and the area.

I was certain what I was saying was going to get reported back to the mastermind. I also won a few games and got a nice bit of local money. Which was salt. Yay, I guess.

I got a few more contacts, but none of them really had any neat stories attached. Just more innkeepers that were probably lining their pockets with money from reporting to dozens of people.

In case you’re wondering, none of the taverns here had alcohol. They did, however, have various manners of getting yourself wasted. For cats, there was catnip. For ponies, there were special salts. For dogs, there were some mild forms of chocolate, which apparently does something different in this world than it did in mine. For the naga, there was mercury. Nothing for me, though, and I wasn’t about to tell people here how to make booze.

When we got back to the embassy, I reported to Emerald to tell her of my efforts with the spy net.

“I… understand, I suppose, why you would want to do this. But how do you think I’m going to pay for it?”

“Magic in some bits from Equestria. Most people here sell themselves cheap. When I’m gone, you inherit the network. Shouldn’t be that hard to maintain, as long as the guards don’t start arresting people that come by.”

“You should have asked me, first, you know. I’m not certain I’m comfortable having cats from the lower city come here.”

“He probably won’t come often. Just make sure to read what they give you before you pay them. No reason to let them expect to be paid for dropping scraps of paper off that have nothing useful on them.”

“I’m not an idiot, Nav. Why did you bring her with you?” with a significant glance at Kat.

“Hey, she got me my first contact. She knows this city better than I do, and was very helpful. Now that I know my way around better, I’ll get people that the king won’t find out about.”

“You wound me,” Kat said. “I’m on your side in this, Nav, not the king’s. I remember old friends.”

“I know that and you know that, but my ambassador is properly learning paranoia.”

I got a mean look from Emerald for that one.

“What?” I asked. “You’re going to have a fun time back in Equestria, after this assignment. Trust me on that. At least you won’t have combat reflexes drilled into you like I did. I almost stabbed a friend when she surprised me one day.” Fucking Pinkie, man, popping up out of nowhere.

Emerald sighed. “I know, Nav. This place is not like Equestria at all. I’m still in shock that I was almost killed! Saved by you, thankfully. And I never did thank you for it… So thank you, Navarone. Thank you for saving my life.”

“It’s what I’m here for. Well, one of the reasons I’m here. Tell me, what am I to be doing tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow, you are supposed to stay here all day. Don’t be seen. The day after that, depending on how the ambush goes, we return to active duty.”

“Good. Tomorrow is going to be boring, though. At least it’ll give me a chance to heal a bit.”

“Am I to be running any errands for you?” Kat asked with a bit of a hopeful lilt to her voice.

“No, Kat. If I’m dead and Navarone is here planning the return trip, what use will you be? I’m sure the king will find something for you to do.”

Kat sighed at that. I was somewhat relieved. I wasn’t lying about being happy to get a chance to heal a bit. Having her around to pester me would be a bit counterproductive.

I spent the next day looking around the embassy some more, avoiding open windows. I wasn’t really expecting to find anything, I was just bored. We didn’t bring any books with us, as that would have been more weight through the desert. I spent some time talking with the guards. For all looking the same, they had vastly different personalities. I gave and took advice from them. I asked them, academically, how they approached mares when off duty. Not for myself, mind, but because I kept getting asked back home.

When I asked that question, I wasn’t expecting the looks that came with it. I did my best to reassure the first one, a night guard: “I’m not asking for myself, man.”

“Riiiiiight.”

“Hey, I keep getting asked how to approach mares back home. I don’t know why they’re asking me, but they do. I just want to make sure I’m right.”

“Asking you for advice? Hah! I can’t even imagine you getting a human woman, scrawny as you are.”

“Scrawny don’t mean shit. Give me my weapons and enough time and I could take down any target.”

“You couldn’t take down Princess Celestia or Princess Luna if you tried.”

“I wouldn’t dare attack either, just because I don’t know what effects it would have on this world. I’m positive I could kill them, but I wouldn’t.”

“You’ve obviously never seen them use magic, if you think you could kill them.”

“I’m not stupid enough to attack her head on. Poison, a knife in the night, a shot from far away… I could bring them down. I just have no reason to.”

“Sounds like you need to be taken down a peg or two. You forget that both are being guarded constantly.”

“I could probably kill either, guards or not. I’d offer to do it as a training exercise, but we’re both here, and they’re half a world away. Besides, most of my strength comes from being stealthy. If the guards knew I was coming, it would be harder.”

“You’re very arrogant. I say you should ask the princess yourself if you can turn it into a training exercise. After all the trouble you’ve put some of the guards through, I’m sure they’d be happy to beat you down.”

“After the whole Africa campaign, I’m pretty sure I’ve saved the guards more trouble than I gave them. But we digress. Do you have any advice for me or not?”

He rolled his eyes and told me pretty much what I was expecting to hear. I got similar answers from the other guards.

After a day of doing basically nothing, my wounds were feeling a hell of a lot better. I was still thinking the ones on my face would scar, though I was hoping it wouldn’t be too noticeable. Either way, I could probably get the scars healed away. Hell, Luna’s first healing removed most of mine.

Today was supposed to be the day the contact was taken. If he showed up, that is, which I found myself doubting. More likely that it would be a trap, which was okay with me since none of my men were doing the attacking.

I went to talk to Emerald to see what our agenda for the day was. I found her fretting and pacing nervously in her room. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just so nervous about this contact situation! If he isn’t caught, when will the next attempt on my life come? Ponies aren’t supposed to deal with stuff like this!”

“You shouldn’t have to worry about another attack from that assassin group. Kat told me they won’t accept two contracts on the same person. If you’re really worried, you can ask the king to give us different accommodations, or more guards.”

“I’d feel much better if I didn’t know you were leaving soon. You’re the only reason I’m still alive. Not like my guards did anything to stop that attack…”

“I’m sure the assassins would have been stopped before they got to you. As it was, I don’t think they were even there long when I found them. They were likely waiting for you to get back. The guards would have stopped them before they got to you. Besides, I thought you were still mad at me.”

“I feel like I should be, but the princess and I both know that all you’ve done was done for the best. It’s just hard to think that when you see the grisly results…”

“It’s done and over with. What’s on our agenda for today?”

“Laying low until the ambush party gets back with or without the contact. When they get back, we go to see the king.”

“I feel I should let you know now, before it becomes an issue: The king wants my help with something. He didn’t say what. I think he’s going to try to bribe me to do whatever it is.”

“Why would he think he can bribe you? What would he even try to bribe you with?”

“He probably still holds to the belief that I’m a mercenary, and that I’m in this business for money. I don’t know why he would still be thinking that, but whatever. I might be able to use it to our advantage. It’s not like I have to help him with whatever it is.”

“Interesting… Keep me abreast of anything he asks you to do. If it won’t endanger you or the mission, feel free to do whatever it is. At least one of us might as well come out of this endeavor a bit richer than before.”

“I don’t think salt will do me any good back home. Not like I really need money anyway, with both of the princesses looking out for me.”

“I didn’t figure you to be one for living off the kindness of another.”

“I don’t. I earn my pay doing stuff like this.”

“Fair enough. So their money here is salt? Do they know ponies use that as a stimulant?”

“Yes, they do, and they think it’s hilarious. That said, they’ll also take bits if you have it. I wouldn’t be surprised if their official system is bits and their unofficial is just salt, because it’s so useful.”

“I’ll have to see about asking the king to set this place up on Equestria’s gold standard. That would be one way for us to become closer, and to facilitate trade.”

“That’s none of my business. I want nothing to do with the economy.”

“Lucky you. Sadly, I’m stuck doing all this work now. Alone. Since, you know, you killed my partner.”

“Yeah, that’s such a shame,” I said wistfully, pretending to not catch the hint.

She harrumphed. “You know, I’m sure your human mind has all kinds of interesting ideas in it…”

“I’ve had people think that before, yes. And they are correct that it does.”

“Any help you could give me would be… appreciated.” Why the slight pause?

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

She waited for more, but got nothing. “We have a while before the ambush party is due back…”

I sighed. “Fine, if you really want to know.” I spent a while detailing how the American economy works. When it works, that is. I don’t know how it’s going now, but when I was stolen, everything was tanking.

When I finished, she just said, “Humans are crazy!” I couldn’t disagree.

In the rest of the time we had left until the royal emissary came to get us, I decided to try to learn how to juggle. I don’t know why.

I was failing rather badly at my efforts when a guard came by and told me to get ready to go.

“Any word on what the locals found?”

“Not that I was told,” he answered.

I shrugged and grabbed my gear. There was no need to go about hiding who I was here, so I didn’t bother with all the concealing clothes. Just grabbed my crossbow, a random quiver, a few knives, and went to find some news.

Kat was waiting for us all in the front lobby area.

“Well, are we safe?” I asked.

“I’ll wait to say until the ambassador is here.”

“Little tease…” I couldn’t read her, either. Ah well. Either way, I’d probably be gone soon enough.

Thankfully, Emerald didn’t take long to get there. “Well, Kat, are we safe?” she asked.

“We didn’t nab the contact, but we did wipe out an ambush. They weren’t expecting the numbers we brought.”

“Any losses?” I asked.

“None that were important. And we think we know the name of the cat responsible.”

“It could just be a fake,” I warned. “I wouldn’t be too surprised if they were given a fake name when told who they were working for.”

“Not likely. We caught the chief bodyguard of one of the biggest pro-slavery barons in Egypt. Soldiers are on the way to arrest the baron as we speak.”

“I don’t envy them. Anyone that can pay for assassins and wield a large enough army to risk men in an ambush probably has a large standing guard force paid to be well loyal. And he’ll know someone is coming, if his men haven’t reported back yet.”

“That’s why I’m here, instead of in the assault. Are you ready to go talk with the king?”

I nodded and Emerald said, “Lead the way.”

I don’t feel like describing local politics, and honestly, it isn’t that important. So I’ll just say that when the king got an excuse to take down a powerful baron that was basically opposing him, he very happily took it. Doing so greatly increased his own power, and it put all the other barons on their toes.

So the king was very happy to see us again. “Feeling well, Navarone?” he boomed as soon as we stepped in.

“Better than the other fellows, majesty,” I answered.

“Quite. I don’t suppose you’d want another crack at the fellow that did that to you? He’s still alive, I think.”

“I don’t torture for pleasure. As far as I’m concerned, his usefulness is over and should be put down. No reason to leave him suffering.”

“His usefulness to you is over. But he is still part of a guild of assassins that I am very interested in putting down.”

“It is your kingdom, lord.”

“Yes, it is. And I have you and your patron to thank for that. And I have you and your ambassador here to thank for helping me keep it. I won’t forget that.” I bowed my head in response. I mean, what was I supposed to say?

Thankfully, Emerald took over. I don’t actually know what the hell she was trying to get from the guy. I mean, I know ambassadors do… stuff, I guess, but I’ve never really thought to care what.

And I didn’t think to care now. I zoned out of their conversation rather quickly. I was supposed to be a guard anyway, so I figured I’d just sort of look around, pretending to watch for assassins or whatnot.

The throne room we were in was lavish, but thankfully not that garish. I think Rarity would have given it a grudging approval, though I’m sure she would have rushed to ‘improve’ most of it. There were no windows, which was a smart move. One official way out, though I was guessing there were hidden exits dotted about. The throne was wooden, engraved with all manner of scenes, all of which I later learned were pivotal points in the history of Egypt. I didn’t see the revolution anywhere on there, though.

The king’s guards were lazily watching us from the foot of the small dais the throne was on. Our guards were doing their best to watch everything without the impression of moving. They had almost failed once, and they weren’t going to risk it happening again.

I was watching all this, so it came as a bit of a surprise when the conversation came to a close. “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I talked to Navarone a bit, would you, ambassador?”

“He shouldn’t have a hard time finding his way back. It wouldn’t be his first time. You can borrow him for now. If I need him, I have a way of calling him.” Like I’m a fucking pet. At least I had warned her beforehand. Now she wouldn’t be concerned about it.

The ponies bowed their way out, pulling Kat along with them. I fixed my gaze on the king.

“So. Navarone. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to take a little job on the side for me? It would pay well, I promise you.”

“That depends on what the job is, lord.”

“You question the job, rather than the pay? What manner of mercenary are you?”

I smiled at that. “I told you true when we met on the field east of the Suez. I am not a mercenary. I am an agent. However, if there is a job you need help with, I might be able to do it.”

“Hmph. And how can I trust you’ll settle the manner according to my needs instead of according to Celestia’s needs?”

“I will not betray Equestria or Princess Celestia, and I will always put Celestia’s interests above yours. I am, if nothing else, a loyal subject. If your job asks me to betray them, tell me so I can go back to the embassy now.”

“No!” he said, too quickly. “No, human,” said slower. “I need you. I do not think it will be a betrayal of Equestria or Celestia.”

“Tell me your job, then. I’ll decide myself.”

“First, let me see that dagger at your waist.”

I handed it over, with a raised eyebrow.

“As I thought… this is naga work, yes?”

I looked at it. That was one of the knives I got from the naga. The sword was stolen by the slaves. “Yes, lord.”

He handed it back, and started to pace somewhat angrily. “There is a group of desert naga living under the Sphinx. I think they get their water from the Nile. I need their support, but they refuse to see any of my messengers, cat, dog, or pony. I don’t have any dragons to ask for me, and naga mercenaries are so rare and I don’t think I could find one willing to risk going down there. But with that dagger, you could get in.”

“I did not know this dagger was like a key.”

“Not quite like a key. But there is apparently a custom among naga: Anyone with a naga weapon is welcome into their caves, as long as they come in peace.”

“Are naga weapons so rare that you’d need this thing?” I asked.

“Yes. Exceedingly rare. You must have broken into a naga cave to get that, or killed a naga from a main group that was migrating. They don’t let those weapons get far from the main group.”

“Glad I haven’t lost it, then. What exactly do you want me to do?”

“Get in and ask them what I can do to buy their loyalty.”

“And if their answer is negative?”

“Ask them what I can do to ensure they won’t sell themselves out to an enemy.”

“And if that answer is negative?”

“Come back to me. I might have you help me wipe out their nest, if that’s the case.”

“I won’t fight under another foreign flag. But if I can draw you up a map, I will.”

He shrugged. “I have soldiers aplenty.” I was tempted to smack him for saying that, but smacking a king is usually a bad idea.

“What is the pay?”

“Whatever you think your services are worth. Tell me what you want when you get back.” Interesting.

“When do you want this done?”

“As soon as possible.”

“I’ll go change and do it right now, then. I’ll bring an answer back as soon as I can.”

“Why would you need to change?”

“The naga I met hate wings. I want mine to be hidden while I meet these.”

“I will have to remember that. Go in peace, Navarone.”

I stopped at the embassy long enough to change, warn Emerald where I was going to be, and grab Kat.

“Why do you need me to go?” Kat asked.

“So I don’t get lost on the way to the Sphinx, and so I can find the entrance to the caverns they’re living in.” That, and I was planning on trying to fly back if I could, and with her there I could solve two obligations for the price of one.

It took us a few hours to walk through the city, and another hour to reach the Sphinx. It doesn’t look like that long of a distance, but it’s a lot longer when you’re weaving through crowds and trying to find a direct route through the city.

Thankfully, the city guards still had a cordon around the Sphinx from the raid earlier, so getting in was no large problem. The guards were slightly hesitant to let us in, but when they saw my face and my wings they folded.

And I finally got my first close up look at the Sphinx. Body of a human male, bird-like wings, and head of a cat. Complete opposite of my world.

I asked Kat, “Why did the naga allow such a thing to be built over the entrance to their caverns?”

She looked at me, somewhat surprised. “The king didn’t tell you? The naga commissioned the statue. It was built with slave labor. Nobody knows why they commissioned it or how they paid, or at least no one told any of us.”

“As long as it isn’t part of some ancient prophecy that I have to fulfill, I don’t suppose it matters. I just want an answer.” I started unwinding the bandage around my head. “No reason to go in there looking too injured…” I muttered.

“Do you want me to try to go in with you?” Kat asked.

“I don’t think they’d let you in. If you want to wait here, I was planning on trying to fly back, if my wings were up to it. Or you could head on back, if you want.”

She looked at me somewhat dubiously. “I don’t think your wings can take two right now. I saw the damage in them better than you did. I’ll see you back at the embassy.”

I shrugged and went into the door on the side of the Sphinx. Despite it being winter out there, it was really hot in the daylight. The freezing cold in the nights was an annoying contrast. I was really hoping this whole mess would be over quickly so I could get back to the city before night fell.

My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness when I saw a few hulking shadows slink out of darkness of a larger connecting room. “What is your business here, creature?”

I slowly pulled the dagger out of its sheath and presented it to him, hilt first. He took it, and I said, “Shelter for a spell, if you’ll have me. And a word with your leader, if possible.”

“This is not a clan I’ve seen a symbol for. But it is definitely naga make. Where did you get this?”

“A clan of naga, around five hundred strong, around the middle of Equestria. It was payment for services rendered.”

“You are no pony,” he accused. I was about to answer when I heard and saw a striker in action as he lit a torch. I squinted in the bright glare. “You are also neither cat nor dog. What are you?”

“Human. Don’t be surprised if you haven’t heard of me.”

His eyes narrowed. “Oh, I’ve heard of you. Human. Winged. Liberator. Monster.” He handed the dagger back. “Friend of naga. Come.” That could have gone worse.

I sheathed it and followed him into the murky shadows beyond the torch’s flickering light.

As we walked, the naga said, “Remove the cover over your wings, human. Deception will give you nothing, here.” I sighed and did as he said. I stretched them as far as I could, to try to relieve some of the cramps they get when hidden for so long. I could see the tips brushing against the walls of the hallway we were in. I was able to make out the naga stiffening and catching his breath when he realized what I was doing. These people really don’t like wings…

We had to walk rather far before we started getting to natural caverns, and even farther before we found any signs of habitation. Around the time we hit the natural caverns, my boredom overcame my logic and I started asking questions. “Does your water come from the Nile?”

“Yes, but it goes through much cleaning before it gets to the main cavern. We control it using a system of floodgates and, when necessary, buckets. Not the most pleasant of jobs, but the water rarely needs to be changed, so it thankfully doesn’t need to be done often. Where did water come from in the other cavern you visited?”

“I honestly don’t know. I think it was a natural spring, but I didn’t ask. I had other things on my mind at the time.”

“That is likely. Most groups go after natural springs, to save themselves much effort. We just live here for the convenience of being near a large city.”

“What do you get from the city?”

“News, food, jobs, any raw materials we can’t make ourselves.” If they get jobs from the city, why wouldn’t they talk to any emissaries?

“In the other group, there were warriors stationed near the entrance. Large war bands, not just a few sentries. Do you not fear any attacks?”

“No one in these deserts would be stupid enough to attack any of us. And we know these tunnels better than anyone. One of us could hold an entire invading force back long enough for the other to get to the main cavern and alert all the fighters, and we could spread ourselves out in such a way that no one could get through without losing too many fighters. The only reason we would station a war band near the entrance is if we wanted to be able to attack outside us quickly, or scout for a new location to live.”

“I suppose that’s what the other group was doing. I helped them wipe out a hostile group of naga.”

“What was their number?”

“The enemy numbered at least a hundred. Probably half of those were fighters. We had fifteen naga and me.”

“And you killed them all?”

“All but one, yes.”

“The naga in your land must be warriors out of legend!”

“It helps that I snuck into the enemy camp and killed about a quarter of them in their sleep, and then lit their camp on fire before fleeing.”

“That is not the way of honor. But not all fights are about honor, I suppose.”

“When I take on a job, I strive to finish the job. The best way of finishing a job is with the least amount of danger to me and the people I’m working with.”

“I find it odd that those naga would have given you a weapon in exchange for a service like that.”

“I also used torches to light their ceiling for them. Their main cavern had alcoves carved into the ceiling in the form of stars, and they had me place lit torches in each alcove. That was a long and exhausting job.”

“I can imagine. Tell me, if you are a hero to the cat people and an agent for the ponies, why do you seek shelter here?”

“I’ve a question for your leader, if he’ll see me.”

“What is your question? Maybe I can answer it.”

“Why won’t your people respond to the emissaries the king sends?”

“We do. We just don’t respond in a manner the king wishes to hear. We refuse to hire ourselves out to him, and have told each of his emissaries the same thing.”

“Why won’t you work for him?”

“Because we don’t get involved in political struggles until it is clear who the winner will be. The king has a very rocky hold on power right now. If we decide to support him and he gets overthrown, we might be persecuted for helping him.”

“Wise. But I have some information that might sway your opinion on the rockiness of the king’s power.”

“This must be rather new information. We keep agents in the city, and they report any wins or losses in the local power struggles.”

“I’d be more comfortable speaking to a leader about this. But then, I think I am, aren’t I?”

I was guessing that if I could see the naga I would see a smile on his face. “You aren’t wrong, Navarone. What gave me away?”

“Most leaders wouldn’t pull sentry duty. But most common soldiers wouldn’t be able to discuss strategy and politics so openly. I suppose you had someone see me coming and came up using a shortcut to take the place of a sentry, so you could judge my mettle before I arrived in any dangerous position, where I might could hurt your people.”

“Astute. What is your new information?”

“One bit is older, and you probably already know it. Which means you don’t put as much weight on it as you should. Princess Celestia is supporting King Johnson.”

“We knew this.”

“The strongest pro-slave baron opposing the king is in the process of being arrested or killed by troops loyal to the king.”

“That is happening right now?”

“It either has happened in the past few hours, will happen within the next few hours, or is happening right now. I don’t know exactly. There was a skirmish outside the Sphinx today, and that gave us the evidence we needed to bring down the baron.”

“That is, indeed, pivotal news. If it is true.”

“When you learn that it is true, would you send someone to talk with the king, and tell him you are willing to discuss working with him?”

“Yes. We should learn the truth of this matter within seven surface cycles. Days, I believe you call them. If we learn it to be true, and the raid is successful, we shall send word to the king.”

“Cool. I don’t suppose there’s an exit from these caves near or inside the city?”

“There is. But I think there are some matters for you and our elder to discuss.”

“Why?”

“I do not know. But you are the closest thing we have ever seen matching the description that was passed down. I would be a fool to let you leave without talking to the elder.”

“If you’re going to try to make me pass some ridiculous rites of passage, would you be overly upset if I left?”

“I wouldn’t care one whit. The elder would, though, and that means most of the naga here would, so I don’t think that would end well.”

The situations I find myself in…

The caverns here didn’t have any nice sights like the burial chamber or the sapphire chamber, but their main cavern was still a sight to see. There weren’t fish in it, though, and I don’t think there was any way for the ceiling to be lit up. So it was just a massive, dark chamber with a few circles of light weakly fighting back the encroaching darkness. The leader fellow I was talking with called up a guard to watch me while he went to find the elder.

It took about ten minutes. As soon as the elder got out of the water and got a good look at me, he smacked the younger leader on the back of the head. “Does that look like a cat to you?”

The young guy was rubbing the back of his head and staring daggers at the elder. “You’re the one that asked for any leads! This is the closest we’ve gotten to anything approaching the description. I figured you could ask him some questions or something.”

The old one tried to mutter under his breath, but since he was old and bad of hearing it was clearly audible: “Stupid youngsters, bringing ugly fliers down here…” In a louder voice, he said, “Fine! What are you supposed to be, you ugly mutant?”

“I’m supposed to be respectful and kind, but sometimes I change my mind about that.”

The young guy was smiling, the guard that was still watching me was glaring at me and making a point of rearranging his weapons, and the old one seemed taken aback for a minute before coughing a laugh and saying, “Oh, you wanna be like that, huh?”

“I would like to be kind and respectful, but if you keep up that attitude, I’ll change my mind. I don’t care how old you are, I’m not above smacking some respect into you.”

The guard behind me unsheathed his very long sword. The young leader did the same, with a warning to the guard, “He’s a guest, with naga steel to back him up.”

“He is threatening our elder!” was the retort.

“As far as I’m concerned, the elder deserves it. And I control what guest lives and dies here.” The guard lowered his weapon, but didn’t put it away until the elder waved him down.

“Fire in you,” the elder said. “Good. Don’t think that makes you the chosen one.”

“Fuck that, I don’t want to be the chosen one. Chosen ones have to risk their lives doing things for people that are too inadequate to do it for themselves, and rarely gain anything of note but pain for their troubles.”

“Well, you don’t match the description anyway…” the elder said. “That scratch on your face. Where did you get it?”

“An assassin. A male cat assassin, so don’t get any ideas in your head.”

“Hm. Fine. You aren’t the one we’re looking for. However, you are close. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to go through some of the trials, as a test run?”

“I would not be. In fact, if possible, I’d kind of like to leave.”

“There’d be no danger to you involved. Just a bit of flying.”

“My wing was recently injured. I haven’t tried flying yet. I might or might not be able to fly at all right now.”

“Then all the better to try now, in a safe environment!”

I looked to the young leader, “Can he stop me from leaving?”

“He can make it very difficult.”

I sighed. “Fine. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. And then I’ll leave.”

“Great! Fly to all the lit up points in the room and come back here.”

“That’s all? Are there any obstacles between the points, or is it all open space?”

He looked down at that and mumbled something. “What was that? I didn’t quite catch it,” I said.

“He said to watch out for stalactites and stalagmites,” the young guy said. “There aren’t many, but there are a few.” The elder glared at him. “What? You already said he isn’t the chosen one. No reason for him to risk cracking his skull.”

“Damn right. Cats can see in the dark. I can’t,” I said.

All three of them looked at me like I was an idiot. “You… you can’t see in the dark?” the elder stammered.

“Why would you come into a cavern if you can’t see in the dark?” the young guy asked.

“No, I can’t see in the dark,” I said again. “And I came here because I was asked to.”

“Are you sure he isn’t the chosen one?” the guard asked the elder.

“I hope not! This guy’s an idiot!” he responded, still looking at me like I just said I forgot how to breathe.

“So… you still want me to fly?”

“Let’s just… let’s just go, human. I’ll lead you to an exit near the city,” the young guy tried.

The elder stopped him. “No. I want to see him try it.”

“I’ll take it nice and slow. Don’t want to risk hurting my wings anyway. If I run into anything, it shouldn’t hurt that much.”

“Your funeral…” the guard muttered.

I did fine. A few close calls, and my wing started to ache a bit near the end, but I made it. I got a lot of looks, and there was a small crowd around the elder when I got back. I did my best to load the crossbow in the air, just in case, and then landed.

“I made it. Your test is fine, old man. Now, where’s the exit?”

“What would you do...” he started, and I pointed the crossbow right at him, “…if I said you were the chosen one?”

“If you have someone behind me knock me out, my finger will pull this trigger and you’ll die. I’m not your chosen one. I don’t care what you need a chosen one for. I don’t care what kind of great evil you’re fighting. I don’t care what the rewards are. I don’t care if you’ll threaten to kill me. Where’s the exit?”

“Just asking. Show him out,” he said to the young guy. He nodded, and began pushing through the crowd. I jumped back into the air and flew over the group of naga in the direction he was heading, crossbow still aimed at the elder.

When he got to me, the fellow said, “Wise. But he was just joking.”

“I’m not unloading this thing until I’m back in the city, and I’m not going to stop pointing it at a naga until I’m out of these caves. I refuse to be used by another group of people for a goal that I care nothing about. Four is enough for me.”

“Four?”

“Princess Celestia, the slaves, King Johnson, and the naga back in Equestria.”

“If all those have you pursuing goals you don’t care about, what do you care about?”

“Getting back home to my friends and living in peace. My adoptive home, rather, not my original home. That is now beyond me.”

“It is good to be among friends, yes. But don’t you ever feel the need to serve a cause bigger than yourself?”

“Yes, but I manage to remind myself that most people that dedicate themselves to causes get used up by that cause before too much progress is made. And if you think I willingly went along with any of their requests for help, you’re only partially correct. I was captured by the naga and my choice was basically endure captivity until the naga that captured me won out over the invaders, or help the naga deal with their enemies. I refuse to be a captive, or bound forcefully to one place for too long. Princess Celestia blackmailed me. The slaves held a knife to the throat of a friend. And serving the king is an extension of serving Princess Celestia. I just want to live in peace, but here I am, covered in weapons, threatening the life of someone that doesn’t deserve to die just so that I won’t risk my freedom again.”

“You are welcome to stay with us, you know. You may not be our chosen one, but you could help us plan for him. It would take more manpower than anyone would risk to come and get you.”

“It wouldn’t take any manpower to get me. Princess Celestia could pluck me from the air with her magic. And then I’d be stuck with one very pissed off employer, with no defense and completely at her mercy.”

He looked rather alarmed at that. “She can use magic to take anyone at any time?”

“No, just a few people she’s attuned to. She is attuned to me. That has saved my life in the past, so it isn’t all bad. Though, to be fair, it was her fault I was in any danger at all.”

“Does she automatically know when you are in danger?”

“I don’t know how it works. She never explained it. I know she can eavesdrop when she wants, though.”

He looked alarmed at that, too. “Aren’t you worried she’ll hear you talking about her?”

“She’s the immortal princess of over half the planet. Surely she has something more important to do than listen to me all day.” Probably. “And if you are listening, I want it known that this is all said under duress,” I said with a smile.

The naga smiled, and said, “Quiet, you! Get back to telling us how much you hate your life!”

“Well, a few years ago I was kidnapped from my home plane and forced to live in a fairytale world where ponies and buffalo could talk, cat people and dog people existed, and naga lived in caves. Ever since then, life has just had so many twists and turns that I don’t know what to do with myself. I accidentally caused someone to fall in love with me, I’ve been forced to change my shape, I grew wings, and I’ve had taken from me something that should only ever be freely given on more than one occasion.”

“You sound like you need a break.”

“I get a few. And then something else comes up. I just can’t win. I keep waiting for the spring, but I fear I’m lost too deep in winter to have much hope for the coming warmth.”

“Just remember that all seasons turn eventually.”

“That doesn’t do me any good if I don’t survive long enough for that.”

“True enough, human. This is your stop.”

We arrived at a ladder leading up to a trap door. “There’s no way you have a trapdoor in the middle of the sandy plain between the city and the Sphinx.”

“This leads to a back alley near the edge of the city. Thieves have learned to avoid this particular alley, so don’t worry about getting attacked right outside.”

“Thanks, man. And good luck with your chosen one, whatever you need him for.”

He rolled his eyes. “I couldn't care less about it. Until I saw you, I thought the elder was a complete nut case. My attitude on that matter is the same as yours: Chosen ones are for those that can’t deal with their own problems. Good luck on the surface. Tell the king he’ll have his answer soon.”

I nodded and climbed my way out.

Chapter Twenty-Five—A chance meeting of a lifetime

Chapter Twenty-Five—A chance meeting of a lifetime

Darkness greeted me when I cracked open the door. With that darkness came a bone-chilling cold. I wasn’t surprised about either. It was nearing sunset by the time we got to the Sphinx, and if my internal clock was anything close to correct, I had been down there for at least two hours. I sighed and pulled myself out of the tunnel.

I figured it was too late to go see the king, so I started picking my way toward the embassy. I was hoping it would be easier, now that it was night and there were less people on the streets. I decided to leave the covering off my wings, to hopefully give any footpads the hint that I was not to be fucked with.

Of course, doing that also had the effect that I called a lot more attention onto myself than I was used to. And I was not at all in a good part of town. A lot of that attention involved whores, and I had no desire to work on the spy network at that point, or hire a cheap whore. So I decided to start walking alleys when I thought I could use them to skip large parts of the road. Not safe, I know, and probably not that smart either, but I never did decock the crossbow, so I was feeling a bit confident.

I was making pretty good time, and I only occasionally had to ward off crazy homeless cat or dog people. Most of them took one look at me and fled deeper into their squalor and filth, but a few thought it was a good idea to challenge me. I showed them some bare steel and that shut them down.

And then I ran into a little filly.

She fled before I could get a good look at her, any more to tell than that she was a young pony. Without even thinking about it, I gave chase. She wasn’t hard to catch up to, but she was hard to coax out of her little pit where I couldn’t reach her for life or money. I think the only thing that convinced her to come out was brushing her with one of my wings.

Looking back, I don’t know why I decided to chase her. Not honestly. But ‘why’ isn’t important, I don’t suppose. When she came out into the moonlight, I couldn’t help but gasp. The little girl was filthy and starving. I got a look at her head and found out that she was a unicorn. I couldn’t tell much more about her from that.

“Where are your parents?” I asked. She looked back in her hovel, like she was going to run into it again. I could tell this was going to be difficult.

“What’s your name?” I tried. Nothing. “I’m Navarone.” I waved my wings at her. “Have you ever seen these before? Or anything like them?” She weakly nodded. “Can you tell me where?”

She barely opened her mouth, and I think she was trying to say something, but her mouth failed her. “Do you want to go somewhere warm?” I asked. A long hesitation, and I started to think I had made a mistake, before I got a nod. I pulled my wing cape/cloak thing out. “I’m going to put this blanket over you, and then pick you up. Is that okay?” She was certainly small enough for it. I don’t think I could carry a filly the size of Applebloom for very far, and this one looked to be her age, but she was so malnourished I could probably carry her for miles.

I waited even longer this time before I got a smaller, more hesitant nod. I very gently and slowly draped the cloak over her back, and picked her up with as little force as I could. She still flinched and almost panicked when I touched her, but by that point there was nowhere she could really run. I held her in my arms and couldn’t help but feel distressed at how light she felt. There was no telling how long she had lived here, alone. If her parents were unicorns, they had to be long gone. Either dead or teleported away. Dead, probably. What parent could abandon a child like that? And there was no telling what she had seen, or what had been done to her.

After that, I stuck on the main roads, and carried her straight to the embassy, quietly whistling an old song to hopefully help keep her calm. If I knew of a hospital, I would have taken her there instead. Thankfully, the embassy was in the nicer part of town, so the road traffic lessened gradually the closer to it we got.

On the way, I kept up a chatter with the kid, trying to get her to say something. I avoided talk about her parents, or anything that might make her panic again. I just stuck to the weather and the food and bath she was about to get. She perked up slightly at the mention of food. I knew from books and TV that you can’t give someone as malnourished as she was too much food too fast, or they’ll get just as sick as giving them nothing would do. However, I was neither a doctor nor a pony chef, so I didn’t know what light meals for a very young and malnourished pony would be. I was hoping the cook we had at the embassy would know how much a young pony normally ate, and that we could half it.

We got to the embassy in good time. The night guards were very curious about the little lass, and I honestly couldn’t tell them much since she hadn’t told me anything. I did, however, know that she started huddling even deeper in the blanket in my arms as soon as the guards got close enough to try to look at her. I sent one away to get Emerald and one to get the cook. “Tell them to meet me in the kitchen. Tell them to hurry but don’t say why.”

They went away and I took her into the kitchen. I didn’t want to risk setting her down until the others were there, so instead I sat down, still holding her. “A pony and a cat are about to come in here, little one. A unicorn. They won’t hurt you. The cat will even give you food.”

We didn’t have to wait long. The cook made it first, and she quickly followed my instructions to make something small. I don’t even know if she saw the pony I was holding.

Emerald most definitely did, when she came in. “Nav, what’s this ab—Oh my word!”

“Shhh.” The bundle in my arms started quaking again when Emerald exclaimed.

Emerald tried again, practically whispering, “What happened?”

“I found her in a back alley on the way back. No parents, no guardians, nothing to keep her warm, no food. She’s so light… I couldn’t leave her there, Emerald.”

“No, you couldn’t have. What’s her name?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard a word from her. The only reason she even came with me is because I had wings like a pegasus, I think.” Or an angel. Or the Sphinx. I don’t know why she responded to them.

It doesn’t take long to make a small meal for a pony. Just throw some salad ingredients together. The chef finished and put it on the table in front of me by the time I finished the explanation.

“I’m going to set you down, now. This food is for you. Okay?” I very gently set her down, but left her the cloak.

She looked at the plate, and then back to me. I didn’t know how to pantomime eating for a pony, so I just grabbed a shred of lettuce and took a bite out of it, and then held it up to her mouth. She ate.

I thanked the chef and sent her back to bed, and then turned to Emerald. “I think I should take her with me to Equestria when I leave, give her to Celestia’s orphanage.”

“We don’t know where her parents are, though.”

I stepped in really close to her and spoke as quietly as I could. “Her parents are either dead or they abandoned her. When the law passed that made it illegal for ponies to leave, the very few unicorns teleported out and the pegasi flew out. Her parents were probably too weak to teleport her with them. The king was looking to kidnap unicorns, for magic purposes.” As far as I know, that was a lie. But it was a plausible sounding lie. “With a daughter in custody to use as leverage, the king would have had her parents as slaves. So if the king didn’t have the daughter in custody when he was killed, it was because the parents were either dead or gone. There’s no telling how long she’s been alone.” I made most of that up off the top of my head, but I was not going to risk letting her end up back on the street. And it was very plausible.

“So what do you propose we do with her in the mean time?”

“I’ll have to take a few days off from doing whatever to get her used to the embassy, so we can leave her here with the guards when we’re off doing important things. We can’t carry her with us, either of us, when we’re doing state business.”

“Why you? I think she’d be more comfortable dealing with me.”

“Probably. But you can’t take off. I’m just a guard here. You’re the ambassador. With the king’s task done—I’ll give you a report for him—I have nothing official to work on. I can take a few days off.”

“I… don’t know. No offense, Nav, but you don’t exactly strike me as a good choice for rehabilitating somepony who has been through what she probably has.”

“I’m not. But I am the only real choice we have. I refuse to let any cat person be alone with her. Any abuse she has suffered will have been at their hands, so there’s no telling how she’ll react to them. Besides, she seems to respond to my wings. The guards aren’t human enough to deal with her, I don’t think.”

“Human enough?”

“Shit… I don’t think they feel enough to be able to do it, emotionally. I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Well… you found her. I suppose you might as well take responsibility for her. If she’s okay with that.”

The little girl had just finished eating and was doing her best to snuggle against my leg. I don’t know if she was trying to hide next to me or if I was warm or if she was trying to thank me or what.

I just said, “I don’t think she’ll mind. You’ll have to help me bathe her, though. I have no idea how ponies bathe, and I don’t know if she’ll do it herself or not.”

“When do you want to do that?” she asked.

“If she’s sleeping in my room tonight, right now.”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best. I’ll go draw up a bath in the bathroom connected to your room. Do your best to get her up there.”

A ridiculously large amount of time later found me and Emerald looking at a light purple unicorn with hollow purple eyes. Her mane was a darker purple with some bits of white. “Well,” I said, “she’s clean.” The bath water was disgusting, too. Emerald had to use magic to do most of the cleaning, and I had to hold one of the little one’s hooves to keep her calm throughout the endeavor. After getting over her initial shock of getting wet, she pretty much sat in the water making almost no movements and very little noise, just watching the things Emerald was manipulating with magic float around her.

“What kind of sleeping arrangements are you going to use?” Emerald asked me.

“She can have the bed. The desk chair is comfortable enough for me. When she gets more used to this place, she can have one of the spare rooms. But I don’t want to leave her alone just yet.”

“Fair enough. And she needs to get used to you if you’re going to be the one showing her around over the next few days. But how are you going to sleep in the chair with your wings?”

“…Shit. I still forget about them sometimes. I’ll sleep on the damn floor, then. If I need you for anything, I’ll holler.”

“I’ll leave my door cracked.”

“Goodnight, then. Let’s hope this works well.”

She left, leaving me alone with the child. I carried her over to the bed and set her down. “If you get cold in the night, just pull the covers up,” I said. “If you need anything at all, I’ll be right over here,” I said, waving my arm to the most carpeted area of the room.

I locked the door and settled down on the floor. It was due to be a long and uncomfortable night.

I was lying in the darkness for what felt like half a day but was more likely half an hour when I felt something plop down on my back. I almost freaked out, until reason reasserted itself and told me that any assassin would just stab me and call it done. I figured it was the unicorn, and confirmed that by gently feeling my back. She was slightly crushing my wings, so with a bit of gentle redistribution of weight, I settled us down well enough. She was lying lengthwise across my lower back, with my wings resting over her face and flank. It was still a bit awkward, and I felt even more uncomfortable then, but at least my back was warm.

I woke up in the morning feeling very cramped and very sore. The filly on my back was still out cold, so I decided to just lay there for a while. It was a nice change, being able to actually relax for a bit. Before, I had been too worried about the whole assassin thing. Now I was as safe as I could be in Egypt. The only thing I had to worry about was the little blob of fur on my back.

I didn’t really want to wake her, since this was probably the first safe night she had in a long time, and probably the best sleep she’s gotten, judging by her previous living conditions. Even if she was sleeping on my back on the floor. I also didn’t want to risk scaring her, and I was somewhat worried about what she would do if she woke up in an unfamiliar place. She might be weak from malnourishment, but hooves are dangerous.

I was saved from having to do anything by a rattling at my door, followed by a knocking. It woke her up, and I think she was more afraid then than she was when I first found her. She scrambled all around the room before stopping behind or under the bed, leaving my back a nasty mess of bruises.

I achingly got to my feet and padded softly to the door. “Who is it?”

“Kat. The guards said not to bother you but refused to tell me why. Can I come in?”

“Not now. Go talk to Emerald Script. She’ll tell you why if she thinks you should know.”

“I’ll figure out whatever you’re hiding from me, you know. And I could pick this lock if I really wanted to.”

“That’s nice. Go talk to Emerald.” With a few dirty mutterings I was supposed to hear but dutifully ignored, she presumably stalked off. I went to find the little pony to try to coax her out of another hole.

“It’s okay. She’s gone. You want to come out and get something to eat?”

It took her a while, but she did come out. The promise of food helped with that, I’m sure. “Do you want me to carry you again?” In response, she walked over to the door. “Just stay near me, then.”

I draped a random knife belt over my shoulder, not even bothering to strap it on—it was there more out of paranoia than because I thought someone would actually attack us. I went to the door and opened it up. I rested my hand on top of her head to make sure she knew I was there and we walked on down to the kitchen to a rather mixed fanfare. The guards knew she was there, from the night sentry’s warning, but they didn’t know how to take her. I just told them to leave her be, as she stiffened as soon as she saw them.

Kat was a bit of a different story. She thought the unicorn was cute. And she most definitely did not think I should be her temporary guardian. “She belongs in a hospital. And then an orphanage.”

“She’s going to an orphanage, an orphanage back home. As soon as Emerald Script decides I can leave, she’s going with me to Equestria.”

“She belongs in an orphanage here. She’s a citizen of Egypt, not Equestria.”

“This isn’t open for debate. She’s coming with me.”

“The king might take issue with that.”

“The king told me yesterday that he’ll pay whatever my services were worth for a job I just finished last night. If he wants to take issue with it, I’ll take my payment in the form of expatriation for this child. I will not let her become a weapon of magic for anyone.”

And just so you don’t think we were talking over the unicorn’s head, she was currently eating, with us standing off to the side, arguing in fierce whispers. I had her on half meals, so it didn’t take her long to finish. She stepped back into what was apparently my protective aura when I finished that small tirade.

Kat was not pleased at being unable to respond. “This isn’t over, Nav,” she promised me.

“We’ll see.” I took the unicorn back up to my room to write up the report for the king, including the warning that the naga are apparently looking for some manner of ‘chosen one’ for something or another. I also included the demand for my reward, with the caveat that one way or another she was coming with me, but that I’d rather it be done legally.

I took it and we set off to find Emerald. We found her sitting in her room. “I’ve got the report for the king. We might have a bit more trouble than I thought getting this one to Equestria.”

“Yes, I had my ears talked off by Kat as well. Do you have any suggestions?”

“This report will probably be all we need. He told me to pick my price for my work. I did.”

“Good. How is she?”

“Still hasn’t said a word. She’ll get better.”

“I hope so… If you don’t need anything else, I suppose I should go drop this off. I hope this won’t cause a big incident.”

“If it starts being a problem, I’ll just leave ahead of schedule. I was only supposed to be here for a few weeks anyway.”

“It probably won’t come to that. Just be ready to go on a moment’s notice.”

“I always am. But I’ll go check again, just in case.”

We headed on back to my room, the unicorn still dogging my steps. The benefit to owning practically nothing but a few weapons and a small amount of clothing is that leaving a place is always as easy as picking up a bag and strapping on a few belts. If push came to shove, I could steal food, or do my best to rely on my status as Liberator.

When we got back to my room, I stowed most of my clothes back in my main travel bag. That done, I did my best to get the filly to talk.

“I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of Princess Celestia?” No response. “She’s the leader—well, one of the leaders—of Equestria. Have you ever heard of Equestria?” Nothing. “Come now, all ponies have heard of Equestria. The land of milk and honey, peace and happiness.” Unless you’re me. No response, though. “We’re going there in a few weeks, you and I. It’ll take us a month or two to get there, though. Have you ever been on a boat?” Nothing. “First time? It can be a bit scary, if you aren’t used to it. Nothing but water as far as the eye can see, where we’re going. If I ever get the chance, I’ll teach you to swim before we go. Or I’ll have one of the guards teach you. I don’t know how a pony swims. Do you think you’d like that?”

In a voice so low I almost didn’t even catch it, she said, “I know how to swim.”

Finally. “Good. The only place we’d have to teach you in is the river. That place is pretty nasty. If you like swimming, though, you’ll probably have plenty of chances over in Equestria. I don’t know if there’s a pool at the palace, but I don’t doubt it. Princess Celestia doesn’t gimp out when it comes to niceties like that. You’ll have the chance to learn magic and go to school once you get over there. And you’ll have plenty of chances to get your cutie mark. I wouldn’t mind seeing that. I’ve only ever seen it happen once, when I helped three little fillies with something back home. There will probably be plenty of fillies around your age to play with there, too.”

That might or might not be true. There weren’t many orphans in Equestria at all. But I figured there were plenty of servants with kids that she could play with, and I still remembered talking to that one group of colts in Canterlot a while back.

“Or if you turn out like I was, there will be plenty of books for you to read. I suppose I’ll teach you how to do that, one of these days, if you don’t already know…”

Nothing.

“It isn’t too hard to learn. The only reason it took me so long is because I didn’t have anyone teaching me that had a great passion for reading. You won’t have that handicap, if you let me teach you. I can’t teach you magic, though. Emerald might be able to, if she ever gets a break. I can teach you a lot of other things if you’re ever interested, though. Math. History, though I don’t suppose you care about that. And I don’t guess there’s a reason to teach you grammar since I can’t teach you to write… I guess I could teach you political maneuvering… Nah, let’s just stick with reading. Do you want me to teach you to read?”

Nothing.

“Well, we’ll be here a while anyway. And we’ll be in transit for a while as well. Might as well leave us something to do in the future. I would offer to teach you to fight, but I don’t suppose you can hold a dagger. The guards might could teach you to use your hooves as weapons, but I don’t know if they’d be willing to. You probably wouldn’t want to learn that anyway. Not like you’ll need it. No one is stupid enough to attack the embassy anymore, and when you get to Equestria you’ll never see another fight again.”

Nothing.

“Do you want to explore the embassy? It won’t do to have you cramped in this room all day.”

A nod.

“Well, lead the way,” I said, waving out the door. She looked at it uncertainly, and then took a few slow steps forward and looked back. When she saw I was following, she walked out more confidently.

We explored the embassy. She didn’t try to open any closed doors, but most of them were open. Whenever she ran into a guard or a servant she stopped until I was next to her and then walked at my speed until they were out of sight, and she always made sure to be on the opposite side of me that the other person was on.

Some of the guards we passed asked about her. I just told them she was a shy guest, and to ask Emerald if they wanted more details. None of the servants really cared, just nodding to us as they hurried past.

As I’ve explained before, the embassy isn’t a very large place. But it took us over an hour to get through the whole thing, due to her stopping so much. We were nearing the last bit of the place when Emerald got back.

“Well, Nav, we’re in the clear. The king was happy to give you that boon. That might be because he didn’t know she’s a unicorn. Or it might be that you threatened to kill anypony he sent after you.”

“I didn’t use those words.”

“You wrote that one way or another you were leaving with her. That pretty much says you would kill anypony that tried to stop you.”

“If that’s how he chose to take it and that’s what got us here, I’m willing to let it go.”

Emerald dropped her voice. “How long do you think it’ll take to get her talking?”

I matched her tone. “I got a few words out of her earlier. Nothing much. She’s cracking, don’t worry.”

Emerald looked relieved. “Good. See if you can learn her name. I can ask around. Her parents might be out there somewhere, even if they don’t want her and abandoned her on purpose.”

“I’ll try, but no promises. It’s slow going.”

“I understand.” The little unicorn stopped in front of a closed door and just looked at it. I looked to Emerald, shrugged, and went to knock on the door. When I got no response, I opened it. I followed her in, while Emerald went on to do whatever it is she does in her free time.

I looked around to find we were in a small sitting room. I don’t know what was so special about this room that made her want to come in, but whatever. We didn’t stay long.

I feel I should mention that I kept up a running commentary on things we were seeing or people we were passing as we went along, just so you don’t think we were creepily walking through the place with nary a word escaping my lips. I asked a few more questions, but got no answers.

When there was nothing more for her to explore, she went back to the kitchen. “Hungry again? Well, I’ve never been much of a chef, but how hard can it be to make a salad?”

Thankfully, not very. I set the plate down in front of her.

“Always hated the stuff, myself, unless it had some decent dressing over it. You ponies have a considerably different palate from us humans, though. Give me meat any day. Or fruit, if it’s ripe enough. Some vegetables are okay, but raw lettuce leaves? You can keep it. Better than some of the ponies back home, though. They eat flowers or grass. I can’t even live off that stuff, and they eat it like there’s no tomorrow. And a friend of mine, a dragon, he’ll eat gemstones, meat, grass, anything you give him.”

She perked up a bit at the mention of the dragon.

“Over there, we’re limited to vegetables or fruits, mostly. You’ll likely have your pick of the larder, once you get to the palace. Princess Celestia has the best stocked vegetarian kitchen in the world, I think. Wouldn’t kill her to keep a bit of bacon for her few extra-pony servants, I don’t think, but that’s just my opinion. You want more?”

She had finished her plate, and was looking at it with a spark of life. She looked up and shook her head.

“You’re probably thirsty. Haven’t had much to drink… Some ponies get enough water from what they eat, but then, they eat stuff that’s full of water. Hold on a sec.” I poured her a glass of water and gave her a straw. “There you go. I never did figure out how horses could use straws. I don’t think you even have lips! Just another thing in this world that makes no sense to me. Like how Rainbow Dash could crash through my window and hit the wall moving so fast I couldn’t see her and have no more pains than a bruised pride. And yet at the same time she was able to get so hungover she was seeing double for hours. Sometimes I regret ever getting forced into this world…”

Another small answer, “I don’t.”

Another one. “You and a lot of the other ponies. And a few of the cats. And some of the naga. I’ve been very useful to Princess Celestia. I’ve helped my other friends quite a bit, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if they’d be better off without me. But then, I’d be thinking the same thing if I was still in my world. The naga I helped would probably be worse off if I hadn’t shown up. They would have ground themselves against a rival group until one or the other of them was dead and gone. I managed to end that conflict rather quickly. Same for the cats. And I suppose when I get back, I’ll be sent off to indebt another group of people to Princess Celestia. C’est la vie.”

She finished her water.

“You want some more?”

A small nod. I got up to fill it again.

“If you had told me before that you were thirsty… Well, you didn’t. You know where the kitchen is now, if you ever need anything and I’m not around. You’re free to go anywhere in the embassy, as long as the door is open and no one tells you to stay out. If you ever need anything and I’m not here, ask a guard or Emerald Script for help. And never go outside without me or Emerald.”

She gave me a scared look.

“Don’t get that look on your face; I’ll be around most of the time, and I’ll definitely be here over the next few days. No one here will hurt you. And if anyone does, tell me. I will deal with it.” I patted my knife belt. “Emerald Script would trust her life with any of the ponies here, and I’ve grown to trust her as a semi-decent judge of character.”

One of the day guards happened to be walking by the kitchen when I said that, and interrupted me. “You said Emerald would trust her life with us. You wouldn’t?”

“The only people in this world I would trust my life with are Celestia and Luna. Otherwise, I’d probably be better off with my life in my own hands.”

“One day, you and I will have to get in a sparring match, human. We’ve all seen your record, and I know you took down those assassins easily enough, but none of us have ever seen you fight.”

“I have a record? And you’ve read it? Was it kind to me?”

“The princess asked for volunteers to work with you and the ambassadors, and everypony that volunteered was given a copy of your records, as well as those of the ambassadors. After reading all of them, most of the volunteers changed their minds. But I assure you, none of them changed their minds because of you. I’m sure some of the volunteers stayed on because of it. But so far, we’ve yet to see you in action, aside from that nasty business in the desert, which was no proper fight.”

“That was a proper fight, as far as I’m concerned. That’s how most of my battles go. What my… record… probably failed to mention was my modus operandi. I do not get in fights. I kill people. If someone looks like they’re going to try to fight me, I shoot them. If they don’t know I’m there, I cut their throat. If we ever sparred, you’d probably win. But if it came down to it, you couldn’t stop me from achieving my objective.” The guard was rolling his eyes. The little unicorn—who I had somehow forgotten about—was looking at me with wide eyes. “But that’s enough of that.”

“For now,” the guard answered. “If you ever want to learn to fight like a stallion, come find me.” He left.

“So, you need anything else?” I asked the filly.

A shake of the head.

“Well, I think we’ve been all over the embassy. I suppose we could head back to my room and talk some more, if you’re interested.”

Small nod.

“Lead the way.” I wanted to test if she could find her way to my room. It wasn’t hard, I just wanted to see if she remembered the layout. We made it easily enough. To be honest, I’m somewhat surprised I didn’t scare her away to Emerald, talking with the guard like that. Maybe she wasn’t lucid enough to understand everything I was saying.

When we got back to the room, she finally asked me a question. “Do you really kill people?”

“…Yes, I do.”

“Would you ever kill me?”

“I only kill in self-defense. Would you ever attack me?” Only technically a lie. It’s usually preemptive self-defense, as the people I kill usually would kill me, if they had the chance.

She shook her head no.

“What’s your name?”

A long pause. “Taya.”

“Taya, do you want to hear my story? Most of what happened in my life since I got here. I won’t make you listen, if you don’t want to. It’ll help us pass the time, and it’ll give you more information about me.” The guard that stands outside Emerald’s door, next-door to mine, leaned his head over where I could barely make it out from where I was sitting. I smiled slightly at that.

After a few seconds, she nodded her head. I started. The guard’s head disappeared, and not a minute later two of the off-duty guards cantered into my room, with the guard outside Emerald’s door standing closer to mine. I paused and looked at them. “If you ever wanted this story, you could have just asked.” They smiled at me sheepishly. “Fine. But I’m not starting over.” I talked up to dinner, telling them everything. The guards probably already knew about Luna and her little crush on me, and I figured it wouldn’t matter if Taya knew, since she was going to the palace soon and might hear it anyway. I didn’t tell them any of my other friend’s secrets, since none of those were their business. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through when dinner was called. The guards had changed watch twice, with me getting a net gain of one listener.

I didn’t tell any of it at dinner, but the news that I was telling it at all made the rounds there, and I figured I’d have more listeners after. Taya ate next to me at the main table, between me and Emerald. I figured the telling of the story would get her more used to the guards, which is why I let them stay.

After dinner, I filled a few water bottles to wet my throat periodically, though I wasn’t planning on talking for too much longer. Five of the guards and Emerald were waiting for me when Taya and I got back upstairs. The only guard missing was watching the front door. “You too?” I asked accusatorily of Emerald.

“What? I’m curious! You’re the only human any of us have ever seen, and we know almost nothing about you.”

I rolled my eyes, and continued where I left off. However, I forgot that Emerald didn’t know what happened between me and Luna. So it came as a very big surprise to me when I mentioned that offhand and she sat bolt upright.

“Oh, shit, you didn’t know that story, did you?” I asked.

“No, I didn’t! Are you serious?”

“Very. Just… don’t tell anyone, I suppose. I forgot you didn’t know.”

“If I didn’t know, why do the guards? Does Princess Celestia tell them everything?”

“Well, if you spend a lot of time around someone, stuff like that starts being obvious. And with rumors… I figured they already knew.” The guards shrugged and nodded. “There you go.”
I continued where I left off.

We were all sitting in a somewhat-circle on the floor. Ponies don’t do well with chairs and I can’t sit in them for long before I forget my wings and try to lean back. A few hours after dinner, Taya leaned her head down in my lap and I realized how late it was.

“Hmm. I think we should continue this tomorrow,” I said, rubbing Taya’s back gently. “I know she’s tired, and I’m getting there. And there’s still plenty to go.”

“Just let us all know before you start again, Nav,” one of the guards told me.

“Yeah, I don’t want to miss any more of it,” Emerald said. “I still can’t believe you accidentally seduced Princess Luna!”

“It gets worse. We haven’t gotten to the Gala yet.”

“I can only imagine! Wait...” She narrowed her eyes. “Were you…?”

“Don’t ruin it for the rest of them,” I told her. “All in good time. Now out, all of you. We’re going to bed.”

They filed out, talking to each other about some parts of what I was telling them. I just shook my head and closed the door behind them, then turned to Taya. “Well, do you want the same sleeping arrangements as last night? I can’t imagine my back is really that comfortable.”

“The bed is too soft…”

“Well, it’s not too soft for me. Tell ya what, I’ll sleep on the bed and you can drape yourself over my back. You get your hard, warm surface and I get my soft, warm bed. And a free half-blanket, at that.”

I got into bed and she jumped on top of me, reminding me of all the bruises she put on my back from the morning. I got to sleep considerably easier that night, though every time she shifted too much, I was reminded of a bruise.

This time I slept a bit longer, but she was still asleep when I woke up, so I just lay there for a while. There were no knocks this time, so she slept for quite a while. It gave me a chance to compose some more of the story in my head.

When she finally stirred, I was around the mental point of the second meeting with the naga, to settle the true love issue. I felt her jolt awake, but instead of trying to bolt away, she just flinched and sighed.

“Finally awake?” She jumped down and I got up. “We probably both need baths…” I saw her looking at the door. “Fine, food first. But if anyone looks at us funny—or rather, sniffs at us funny—it’ll be your fault.”

She led the way to the kitchen. The cook was there, reading a book. “I don’t suppose you know how to make pancakes?” I asked, already knowing the answer: A blank look. “Fine. Salad and something with meat, I suppose.”

We ate and headed back up to bathe. I drew her a bath and left her to it. “You need anything, feel free to call,” I told her. I left the door open and pretended to make myself busy at my desk. She didn’t call.

When she was done, I bathed. I usually sit and soak for a good while, but she was making it somewhat awkward for me by watching me the whole damn time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there’s no nakedness taboo in any of the cultures I’ve run into.

When I decided to start the story up again, all but one of the guards showed up again. Emerald walked in right as I continued. I figured none of them had told the servants, or else we’d have some of them here as well.

I started where I had left off, and the benefit of a bit of planning made telling some of it easier. I cut off for lunch, and picked it up again after. I finished right before dinner.

“And that’s why I’m so fucked up and a terrible person,” I finished.

Emerald spoke up first. “You know, I remember seeing Egill back at that party. I remember you talking with that white unicorn leaving her seething. I can hardly believe that was you. And that it was Princess Luna that put you there. But you seemed to make Luna’s night, at least. I can hardly believe that makes you a bad pony.” I just shrugged.

The night guard with us spoke up. “I remember the night with the moth, when you saved the life of Rainbow Dash by suggesting she go to a different room.” Not quite the way I remember it. “I… I was the guard stationed to make sure she died. I volunteered here to learn the mettle of the being that tamed the heart of Princess Luna, and earned the friendship of Princess Celestia while doing it. Neither of them would have any dealings with a bad pony.”

“Now that’s not entirely true,” I started, but I was interrupted by another guard.

“I remember when you were given the tour of Canterlot. I was one of the guards with you, then, one of those you made laugh. When you spoke with the pegasi with us, I heard the tenderness in their voices when they responded. Neither of them would talk like that to a bad pony.”

“I’m a pretty good actor, when I need to be,” I weakly said.

Another guard spoke up. “I was with you in the Middle East, when we were helping Twilight Sparkle with the water tables.” I rolled my eyes at that. “I remember going on patrol with you and Twilight and my squad and finding a small group of cats. They saw you and cheered and crowded us and gave us a feast they could hardly afford. Bad ponies don’t get accolades like that.”

“You’ve never seen pictures of Hitler with his boy scouts, then,” I retorted. Never thought I’d apply Godwin’s law to myself.

Yet another one spoke up. “I was the guard detached to pick you up after you dealt with the naga the first time. Where others might have fought to try to stay free from an uncertain and dangerous future, you came very peacefully with me and brought nothing that could be used as a weapon. Can you think of any bad ponies that would have done something like that?”

“I had a very good reason for doing what I did, and I knew Celestia would understand,” I answered.

The last guard spoke up. “I was there at your trial. I watched you support that vixen at your side, and give your testimony besides. You admit to disliking her, but you helped her when she was weak, and you defended her as you defended yourself. A bad pony would have used that weakness, rather than defend it, to further his own goals.”

“I wasn’t expecting to ever be declared guilty!”

Taya finally said something, very quietly. “I remember hiding in a gutter, watching a stranger try to coax me out of the hole I was in. He had no reason to try to help me, and every reason to ignore me and keep going. After a while in the dark, stinking, and dangerous alley, he finally got me out and brought me to a warm home with good food and nothing but the kindest people I’ve met in a long, long time. That stranger was not a bad person.”

There wasn’t much I could say to that.

Dinner was spent with the guards regaling each other with the parts of the story they missed to pull guard duty. I commented here and there to correct them, but let them do most of the work.

I also learned the reason the other night guard was here: Punishment detail. Apparently he had made a joke about Celestia and was heard by one of the two princesses. Poor bastard.

That was my first week in Catro, and the first seventeen days in Egypt the second time. I figured I would need to spend another week or so in Catro, unless something big came up.

Now that Taya was more comfortable around the guards and Emerald, I figured I could leave her in the embassy if I had to.

Three more days passed with nothing big happening, aside from me telling a few more stories about life on Earth. Then an overcast day came up, and I woke up to Kat banging on my door. Taya jumped off my back and I rolled out of bed and opened the door.

Before I could ask what she was doing, she said, “Let’s go flying!”

I looked at her with weary eyes. “Give me some time to eat and get dressed.”

“I’ve been waiting a week for this!”

“Then a few more minutes won’t hurt you. Come on, Taya, let’s go eat.” The first time I saw Kat since she sulked off from the rebuke I gave her, and now she demands to go flying. Fair enough, since I owed her the trip, but still.

We finished eating and plodded back up to my room. I got dressed in outside clothes. I took Taya to Emerald’s room. “Emerald, I’m going out for a bit to stretch my wings. Can you look after Taya for a bit?”

“Sure. I don’t think the king needs to talk to me today. And good news for you: I finalized trade agreements yesterday. Trade between here and Equestria will open up soon, so you can get home.”

“Best news I’ve heard in days. Thanks, Emerald.”

“Don’t mention it, Nav. Have fun with Kat.”

We went on out, Taya watching my back from Emerald’s room. I felt kind of guilty for leaving her, but she was going to have to get used to me not being around soon enough anyway. When I dropped her off with Celestia, I probably wasn’t going to be around that often to see her.

Instead of going to the front door, I pulled Kat to where I found the assassins hiding and went out the roof hatch. “It has been a few days since I flew. Give me a few minutes to warm up, and then I’ll swoop down and lift you off your feet.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Nav,” she said with a smile.

I did just that. I spent a few minutes flitting in and out of the clouds. When I felt comfortable, I pulled my wings in and dove down, squeaked out of the dive, and ripped Kat into the air on the updraft. She wasn’t as light as Miguel had been, but I figured I could carry her for a good while. To prove that, I took her over the route we took to get to the naga, and managed in ten minutes what took us over an hour. I set down on the head of the Sphinx. She seemed speechless.

“I’ll take us up in the clouds in a few minutes. Just give me a span to rest. That’s the first real flight I’ve had since I was injured.”

She finally regained her words. “That was… amazing! Why do you ever walk anywhere?”

“Flying loses its novelty. I felt the same way the first time I flew under my own power. After some time, it gets old.”

“It seems like such an interesting thing, though! What kind of life do you lead that it would become boring?”

“Interesting isn’t always good. Hell, in parts of my world, wishing someone an interesting life was a curse. You ready to go again?”

“Always.”

“I’ll be back in a minute, then.” I jumped off and glided up and did the same thing as before. With my wingspan, it’s usually harder for me to carry a person straight away, so I instead tend to grab them while I’m already in the air, if I can.

I carried Kat up into the clouds over the city. I didn’t learn all the pegasus weather manipulation stuff, but I could move clouds around. I don’t even know if I can learn to do some things. But I can sit on the clouds, and I can hold things while doing so. I was just hoping I could hold something as heavy as Kat while sitting on one.

I flitted around most of the clouds, and I had to go through some of them, but we finally pierced the heavens. I punched through the final layer and squinted at the brilliant sunlight that contrasted so heavily with the previous gloom. I soared a bit higher so we didn’t hit any clouds that were around us. I did my best to slow down as much as I could, slowly gliding over the clouds as Kat did her best to pop her eyes out of her head in wonder.

I have to admit, it was a beautiful view, even to my jaded eyes. The desert sun was straight overhead, and there was nothing under us but a vast white expanse, with a few openings here and there where bits of city or sand snuck through, giving tantalizing glimpses of what might be under us.

I slowly alighted on one small patch of cloud, surrounded by open space. I pulled Kat on top of me and lay back against the cloud. “Pretend I’m a table, and we’re surrounded by lava.” A variation of the old game, Floor is Lava. Except this time, falling off the table meant death instead of losing.

She reached down and waved her hand through the cloud, and presumably felt no resistance at all. She pulled her wet hand back. “What would happen if you were to do that?”

I grabbed a small chunk of cloud for her. “Open your mouth.” With a raised eyebrow and a small smile, she did. I fed her some cloud. As soon as it left my fingers, it melted in her mouth.

An undisclosed amount of time later, we made our way down in one of the riskiest things I’ve ever done: A full dive with a passenger. We held on to each other as tightly as we could and I just rolled off the cloud. We fell straight down, watching the ground approach disturbingly quickly.

We rose out of it just fine, but my wings took a lot more stress than usual. I dropped a bit more to compensate, and did my best to slow us down. I took us in a long, slow circle back around to the city. From where we dropped, we were almost directly over the palace, which is near the center of the city. By the time I got some modicum of control over how I pulled out of the dive, we were already beyond the city’s outer limits.

Since my wings were so stressed from that dive, I decided to head on back home. It took twice as long for us to get there, due to how slow I was going. I knew the relative position of the embassy, but I had to get Kat to point it out to me.

We landed easily enough, since I was flying so slowly. I rubbed my wings a bit, trying to see how the injuries held up. Kat saw me and said, “You did great.”

“Apart from almost killing us when we dropped out of the cloud, I think I did well enough, yeah.”

She snorted at that. It was pretty much a lie anyway; I made sure we had more than enough room. I said, “Let’s head on inside. We have some things to talk about, I think.”

“Yeah, and I have a letter from the king for you.”

“I can read that while you talk to Emerald, I suppose.” She handed it over after we dropped into the hatch. I opened it as we headed on down to Emerald’s room. I was bringing it up to scan over when we stepped into her room, and was interrupted by a purple furry mass flinging itself at me.

I caught her and barely managed to stop myself from falling over. Kat reached out a restraining arm to help balance me. That was the third time I had been flying tackle hugged by a pony, though the other two times had been backed up by the fastest wings in Equestria.

I carried Taya over to the chair and sat us down. It was low-backed, made for the cats that are mostly shorter than I am, so my wings weren’t much of a problem. “We’re back. We miss anything?”

Emerald answered, “Not really. Taya was missing you, though.”

“I hadn’t noticed…” I shifted her in my arms and brought up the letter. Yadda yadda, we caught the baron, court date tomorrow, show up to testify about the assassins, the naga sent a positive messenger in. I passed it over to Emerald.

Kat ahemmed. “That was for your eyes, Nav.”

I looked at Kat and let Emerald take the letter. “Who do you think I’m loyal to, Kat? Jim Johnson or Celestia?”

“I’m just saying. What else did you want to talk about?”

“I’m heading home soon. A few days after the court date. I just wanted to tell you now so you and the king don’t get blindsided by it.”

“I knew you wouldn’t be here forever. You’re not the type of person to be content to guard an ambassador. Just tell me before you leave.”

“Fair enough.”

Emerald looked up from the letter. “This trial is a waste of time. If you want, I can send a guard in your place. Any of them can give the testimony as well as you can, given that they’re going to declare this baron guilty no matter what happens.”

“I know, but there has to be a semblance of legitimacy in the proceedings. It shouldn’t take me more than ten minutes to speak my piece and get out. Just don’t send any of our people to the trial but me. That would be the best time and place to start a new uprising.”

Kat smiled nastily at that. “King Johnson has a fun surprise planned for anyone trying to attack the courthouse.”

“The naga?”

“Yep. They’ll be very visible inside and outside the courthouse. And Rock will be standing right next to the baron with his biggest hammer, ready to smash him into oblivion the minute someone draws so much as a dagger. Or for when the baron gets declared guilty.”

“I bet Rock is going to love taking down the strongest pro-slavery baron in Egypt.”

“You don’t even know the half of it. This baron was Rock’s owner, back when Rock was a champion cage fighter. I don’t think I need to tell you what he’s been through.”

“The justice of that is almost enough to make me wish I would stay for the whole thing.”

“You really should. The biggest charge we got him on is hiring the assassins to attack foreign ambassadors. He’s being killed ‘as an example to anyone that attacks our new friends from Equestria.’” I couldn’t help but smile at that.

“I would, but I get bored at court proceedings. I’ll stay long enough to testify. I don’t want to leave Taya for too long anyway.” She was still sitting in my lap, but she wasn’t clutching me like I was about to evaporate away anymore.

“Have you decided how you’re planning on leaving yet?” Emerald asked.

“Give me two guards and I’ll fly up to Alexandria. I’ll stay there until I can catch a ship going to pony held lands, and from there I’ll hitchhike until I get home.”

“Why do you need guards?”

“I won’t be able to make it in one day, even by flying. And I don’t want to risk sleeping in the open and having anything sneak up on me. This way we can split watches, and they can split them again on the way back.”

“And your orphan?” Kat asked.

“Coming with me, as I told you she would be. I even have the king’s permission, as if I needed it. She’s lighter than you are, so I won’t have any problems taking her with me.”

“The biggest problem will be finding a ship heading to pony lands,” Emerald said. “And, of course, staying in the city long enough for that to happen.”

“It’s a port city. If nothing else, I’ll find a smuggler. I’m well known enough in the Middle East that I can get us through any interdiction ships that try to stop us, which might be enough to hire anyone.”

“It might also be enough to make you worth kidnapping,” Kat warned.

“True. I’ve managed well enough so far, though. If I waited for the best solution to present itself, I’d be waiting until I died.”

She shrugged, and said, “Your funeral.”

“I’m just glad I can leave. I wasn’t expecting any of our enemies to make a move so soon. Once this baron fellow gets deep sixed, our position here will be incredibly secure.”

“Your political position, at least,” Kat said. “But maybe not your social position. Ponies will probably never be popular in Egypt, and without a complete spy network, you’ll never know how widespread that discontent is.”

“Well, it was an interesting side project, but I never expected it to be overly useful no matter how large it grew. As it is, the contacts we made will be good enough for keeping tabs on a bit of the city.”

“Even though you’re dumping it all in my lap,” Emerald sighed.

“At least it’ll give you something to do if you ever get bored,” I said. “And you might make a few friends among the cats that come by to report.”

“I’m hardly here to make friends.”

“But they’re never a bad thing to have.”

“And I’ll still be stopping by from time to time, to check if you need anything,” Kat said with a small smile. I found myself feeling a bit sorry for the winged guards.

We talked a bit more, about the coming trial and some more about my homecoming plans. Kat left soon after lunch and the rest of the day went on by like the previous few: Slowly.

The next day was the bloody trial. Bloody as a descriptive word, not as an expletive. There was a large crowd around the courthouse that were fingering their weapons and looking at the naga with venom in their eyes, but none of them dared do a thing.

In the actual courthouse, the only people that had weapons to finger were me, Rock, and the guards. No one else had been allowed any, and several cats had to be forcefully removed from the entrance when told they had to surrender their weapons. Many of those that chose to give up their weapons to get inside were glaring at me with hate. But I had been glared at by two eternal princesses, so I was able to weather their hate easily enough.

The baron’s head bodyguard was trotted out as the first witness. He had been promised leniency to give his testimony. What he didn’t know was that by ‘leniency,’ he was going to be killed quickly instead of slowly. He condemned the baron in all manner of crimes and plots, including the attempted assassination of foreign ambassadors. After he sat down, I was called up, and I gave my testimony. Since things looked to be speeding along well enough, I decided to actually stay and watch the rest of it. Hardly twenty minutes had passed since the thing started. Apparently the cats don’t care about dealing with typical lawyer BS.

When I was done, two guards wheeled in what was left of the assassin apprentice. At this point, I was figuring he would say anything anyone told him to say, but he told the court basically what he told me. In return, I later learned, he was taken out back and had his throat slit. A mercy, I believe.

After the assassin was taken away, there was a small series of minor nobles that were accomplices of the baron. I don’t know what their punishments were, but they all pointed fingers at the baron and accused him of all manner of things.

When they were finished, the judge looked to the jury. He didn’t even tell them to go out, just looked at them. The head guy said guilty, of course. The judge turned his head and nodded to Rock, who was wearing the biggest grin on his face through the whole proceedings. Somehow the grin grew wider and he brought his massive hammer down in a wide arc, crushing the baron’s head and upper body with a sickening plop, showering the surrounding crowd with bodily detritus. It was pretty nasty, and I’m sure some people might have found it anticlimactic. Me, I was just happy it was finally over with.

All in all, the court proceedings took just over an hour. I decided I preferred the cat court system over the American court system. And the pony court system, since I wasn’t the one getting convicted.

Rock dragged the baron’s body out of the courtroom and threw it into the crowd of onlookers. They dispersed, taking the body with them. I somewhat feared we had given them a martyr, but it wasn’t my problem anymore. I flew back to the embassy, not wanting to risk my back to a stranger right then.

I got back to the embassy with little fanfare but from Taya, who repeated the previous day’s performance of jumping in my arms. I was really hoping I didn’t accidentally drill dependency issues into her.

The next few days were a whirlwind of nothing for any of us at the embassy and change and excitement for the rest of the city. With the baron’s death and the removal of all his supporters from any real seat of power, most of the vestiges of pro-slave society quickly evaporated for fear of receiving the same punishment. That doesn’t mean the remnants were pro-Equestria, but at least they weren’t completely pissed at Celestia for stepping in.

Chapter Twenty-Six—The long way home

Chapter Twenty-Six—The long way home

We left two days after the trial. I gave Kat warning, and her going away gift was quite worth the time it took to find her.

The morning we left was clear, dry, and cool. I had Taya bundled up in a blanket in my arms, my clothes and weapons strapped to various places around my body. The guards carried a bit of supplies on their backs.

We made it to Alexandria in three days, pushing ourselves pretty hard. We saw a few caravans and wandering desert groups staring up at us in wonder, but we didn’t run into any on the ground. Every time we got down, Taya was very happy to get her hooves on the ground. I don’t think she minded flying, but she definitely preferred walking.

When we got to the town, we got rooms at the Salted Mare. The guards wanted to rest a day or two before heading back, and that inn was the friendliest—and cheapest—place in town for ponies and me.

Seeing the friendly faces at the bar did Taya some good, I think. Now that the ponies were free to come and go as they pleased, the mood there was considerably lighter.

As soon as I asked him, the bartender told me of a pony trader that was leaving for “Barkelona” in a day or two. Apparently there was a sizeable dog population there. The ship was probably a smuggler that heard about the opening of trade agreements and decided to come out as a legitimate trader. Not like it really mattered to me anyway. Taya and I stayed with the guards in the inn for a day and bid them farewell the next day, and then went to find the trader.

Thankfully, the boat wasn't that hard to find; it was the only one with a full pony crew, which really stands out in a place like Alexandria. I decided to go unmasked, in case any of them recognized me. Taya plodded along behind me, as close to my heels as possible without tripping me. I had all of my stuff arranged around my body again, with the weapons in easy to reach places. Since I came into the city in the company of the pony guards, I hadn’t been forced to peace bind them.

Now, while I might technically have the power to commandeer a place on the ship, I wasn’t about to tempt fate. I made sure to get plenty of bits from Emerald Script before I left, and I had plenty of pouches secreted all about my body.

When we walked up the gangplank onto the boat, a very large pony looked up from his dice game and said, “What?”

“I would like to talk to the captain about passage to Barcelona,” I said.

Without taking his eyes off me, he shouted, “Captain!”

I saw movement overhead and looked up to see a brown female pegasus dropping from the lookout post. I don’t know why there was a lookout post when a pegasus could do the job just as easily, but that’s Ponyland for you.

The pegasus, presumably the captain, looked to the big pony and said, “There had better be a good reason you’re waking me up. You know what I went through last night.”

He growled, “Passengers,” nodding towards me and Taya.

The captain brightened up at hearing that. “Passengers, are you? You know we’re going to Barkelona?” I nodded. Then the captain shook the haze from her head and looked at us again. “You’re not a cat! What the… You’re that… that thing that keeps doing things to help trade!”

“I am the human, yes. And you are?”

“Captain Sonel, at your service! Who’s that behind you there?”

“Her name is Taya. She’s… shy. How much for passage for the two of us?”

“For you, nothing! I’ve spent years smuggling between pony lands and Egypt, and now I can finally trade legally, and with no fear of repercussions for the things I’ve already done. No more living in the fear that an interdiction ship might find us. No more dealing with back-alley crooks that care more for their own profit than any honorable dealings. No more anchoring a day away from all the port cities for fear of random cargo checks. You’ve done this ship a great service, human.”

I don’t say no to free things. “Where are you headed after Barkelona? We need to get to Manehattan, in the long run, but I figure most ships that are in the Mediterranean will stay there rather than risk hitting the open ocean.”

“It would be nice to see the homeland again, but no. After Barkelona, we’re bound for Mareseille, and then we’ll just make the circuit of port cities around the edges. However, from Barkelona, you can catch a train to a port city on the open ocean, and from there you should have no problem getting what you need.”

“Excellent. When do you cast off?”

“Tomorrow, bright and early. You are free to stay on the ship until then. I can show you to your quarters, if you want. There aren’t many spare rooms, I fear, so you’ll be forced to share one. I hope that’s not a problem.”

“It isn’t,” I assured her. She led us into the underbelly of the boat. “I assume you have a unicorn to speed the winds?”

“You’d be hard pressed to find a pony ship—or any manner of smuggling ship—that doesn’t. Ours is a pretty decent stallion named Phil. He’s a little loopy, but it would take Princess Celestia herself to beat him in wind-making powers.”

“She can definitely move fleets around, that’s for sure.”

“You’ve been on a boat with her?”

“I was with the original fleet that came to the Middle East. We made it from Manehattan to Alexandria in a month.”

“That is impressive, for a full fleet. I suppose she’s in charge for a reason. What’s she like?”

“Kind. Wise. She looks at you like a mother seeing her child. And when you do something wrong, she’ll usually just have that stern look a grandmother gets when she’s trying not to laugh at something you did that was impolite but funny. Until you really piss her off, at least. Then she gets… scary.”

“Anypony as old as she is should definitely know how to twist emotions or how to show anger.” We stopped at a small cabin. “This is your room. Galley’s down the hall. Help yourself but don’t be a pig. I assume you’re able to eat regular pony fare?”

“Salad, some vegetables, fruits, yes. I can’t eat grass or flowers. Bread is fine, if you have it.”

“You’ll be fine. If you don’t need anything else, I have a hangover to go try to sleep off…” I nodded and she swept past me to head back to the deck.

I dropped all the clothing off on the bed. “Well, I suppose this is our home for a little while.”

Taya looked in and just said, “Fun.”

“I’m going to go find a book store. You want to come along?” I don’t even know why I asked. We went off to find one.

An unnecessarily long time later, we returned to the ship with a few beginners’ reading primers. It was going to be a long trip back, and I figured we might as well do something productive on the way. I had never taught anyone to read before, but it didn’t seem that hard. Assuming Taya didn’t get seasick, I figured it would be easy enough.

She didn’t. It was. We made it to Barcelona in a week. The crew was affable enough, and most of our time was spent on the deck, near the back of the ship, out of the way of the crew. We would have done it in our cabin, but staying in that dim place for too long would be killer on my eyes, and being outside on a moving ship is always a plus in my books.

Once she picked up the knack for it, Taya was really easy to teach. I tried to get Phil to teach her some small pieces of magic, but Sonel wasn’t lying when she said he was loopy. After talking with him, I decided to just wait and let Celestia find a teacher for her.

Once we reached Spain, we wasted no time finding a train ticket to the nearest port city: San Sebastian. It took us a few days to get there, and by then Taya had already been through all the primers I got her. We hunted for a bookstore to find some more difficult things for her. San Sebastian and Barkelona were both shocks to Taya, who was not used to seeing so many ponies in one place, nor so many smiles.

While looking for a bookstore in San Sebastian, we ran into the song magic at work. Something about young love or some bullshit like that. I stopped to let Taya listen, wide-eyed, and explained it to her, “That’s something that happens occasionally in pony places. So many unicorns gathered together create a magical distortion that comes out as nearly uncontrollable singing. The only person I’ve met in pony-held lands that was completely immune was a dragon. Hell, if you can imagine it, even I got stuck in one of those songs once.” She smiled at that.

We found a bookstore and, even better, a ship that was just minutes from setting sail to Manehattan. My luck sometimes pulls through, after all. However, the fare this time was considerably more expensive. Which didn’t matter, since I was still completely loaded. I probably had enough cash still stored on me to buy all the rooms left on the boat.

We had much larger rooms on this ship, thankfully. That probably explained the pricing, but I really didn’t care. It wasn’t my money, after all. The RMS Princess Celestia was a nice ship, if as old fashioned as all the others we had to deal with. Most of the crew were nervous around me, and some of the passengers were terrified of me, but I didn’t really care. Since it was technically a mail ship instead of a passenger ship, it even had its own guards. It was nice, seeing some of those around.

And it was even nicer when, around the first week in, we were attacked by fucking pirates.

Taya and I were in our room since it was so hot outside and the passengers didn’t care for me. I don’t know how ponies manage to keep the insides of things cold without air conditioning, but it’s just another of those things I have come to accept. She was reading aloud from some dusty old tome I bought in San Sebastian. Something about elements or something, I wasn’t really paying attention. I was lying on the bed, thinking. Why did I let Kat anywhere near me? I had been thinking that a lot lately. After what she did to me, I should have killed her on sight.

My door burst open. “Human, the captain needs to see you immediately!” some random crew member yelled.

I looked up. “You didn’t have to fucking scream,” I said, getting off the bed. I started grabbing weapons. “Taya, stay here. No reason for you to hear him insult me some more.” The captain was not pleased to have me on board. I rarely run into overt racism from the ponies, but it appeared that this guy was an exception. I was starting to think the monkeys from The Wizard of Oz killed his family or something. When I had everything I looked up to see the crew guy staring at me in fear. “Lead the way,” I said, going to the door.

He bolted down the hall. “We don’t have much time!” he yelled as I slowly walked to keep up with him.

“Unless you give me a good reason to hurry, I don’t mind keeping your captain waiting,” I commented as I casually made my way to where he had stopped to wait for me.

“Pirates!” he finally burst out.

“Oh. Well that changes things.” I started following him at a more brisk pace. Namely, sprinting to keep up with him, a worried expression on my face.

Now, back when I had left home there was a massively beautified version of pirates in my world. That’s pretty much a load of shit. Pirates are monsters. If we were getting attacked here, they were probably looking for either food or slaves. And there isn’t a slave in the world better than a one-of-a-kind species like me.

Now, I didn’t fear for my own safety as much as I did Taya’s in that case: If I got captured, the princesses would bail me out pretty much instantly. But what would the pirates do to Taya, who the princesses couldn’t save? Or what might they do to me before the princesses noticed I was taken?

We made it to the captain rather quickly. He was at the helm, somehow holding a telescope thing to his eye. “They’ll be here in less than two hours,” he predicted when he turned and saw me. “You are a royal agent, Navarone. Or so you say, at least. What should we do?”

“Can we use magic to outrun them?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. We’re already trying and they’re still gaining on us. Pirate ships like that often have a large group of slave unicorns controlling their winds. Before long, they’ll be in range to stop our unicorns entirely.”

I sighed. “It’s the job of any agent of the throne to protect the people. Or ponies, I suppose. Tell the unicorns to stop the winds and rest. We’ll need them to fend off the magical assaults of their unicorns when they get in range. We’ll do our best to dissuade their boarders from attacking us, and if it comes down to it we’ll board their damn ship. If they have unicorn slaves, it should be our task to free them.” I didn’t really care about the unicorns or the ship, but if saving this ship meant saving me and Taya, then that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

He gave a dark smile. “Then I trust you’ll be leading the defense and then the charge?” Right, pass the buck to me. If it goes sour I’ll get the blame on the off chance he survived. And I knew I had to do it, too. Unless…

I shook my head. “I’ll infiltrate their ship and free the unicorns,” I answered. “If we can free them while they’re still in the enemy ship, we can start a two-front attack on their forces. That might create enough confusion that we can take their ship.” And if it goes sour, I have a better chance of blending in with the pirates.

He scoffed. “And how do you propose to get aboard their ship unseen?”

I grabbed his telescope thing and peered at the ship. I could barely make out a few hulking shapes on board. Dogs. I could see a few lithe shapes moving in between them with purpose, readying weapons and boarding lines. I think I saw a naga or two as well. A small number of them were wearing desert clothing, fully garbed.

“Where do they keep their slaves?” I asked.

“Bottom of the ship,” he answered with disgust. “If the ship goes down, none of the pirates want to deal with slaves in their way to escape.” I nodded, understanding the reasoning.

“Those dogs are my size, so I go in disguise,” I answered, snapping my fingers. “Fly in under the bow, slip in through a hole or over the side, and cover my wings before I get seen.”

“That seems… risky,” he commented. I was surprised he said that, personally; I was expecting him to be ready to accept any plan that got me killed.

“Risky, but with great reward,” I answered. “I’ll go get changed. With our wind dropped, how long should it take them to get here?”

“Less than an hour, probably,” he said. “Get ready to go quickly, human.”

I left to go back to my cabin and felt the ship lurch as we slowed down. I got down to my room and began to change. “Taya,” I said as I worked, “do not open that door for anyone that is not me. From the moment I leave until the moment I get back, that door needs to stay shut. Okay?”

She nodded.

“The only exception to that is if you hear a guard yelling to run to life boats. I will not be angry if you leave then.” She nodded sadly.

I hoisted my crossbow up when I was done dressing, looking for any damage to it. Nothing. I checked my bolts to make sure they were the heavy duty ones, made for piercing armor—I’m paranoid, okay? I checked my knife to make sure it wouldn’t fall out while I was flying across the void. I loaded the crossbow and gave Taya a hug. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I said when I released her.

When I got outside my room, I found that fifteen minutes had passed. The pirates were probably close to us by now. I peeked my head out of the stairs so I could check. Oh my, this is going to be close. They were about fifteen minutes out. Now or never. I popped my neck, ran to the railing, and jumped. I got down as low as I could to the ocean and skimmed the waves, doing my best to not be seen.

It didn’t hit me until I was halfway there that this was a really stupid plan for a lot of reasons. By the time I went through the reasons in my mind, I was already at an open window, trying to force my way in—which was a lot harder than it should have been, thanks to the damn wings on my back.

I finally popped in to find myself face to face with a cat. I shoved a knife through its mouth as it tried to give a scream of warning, nailing its jaw to its head and killing it. I threw my balled-up cape over my shoulders and withdrew my dagger. I casually threw the body out of the window I just jumped in through.

Then I took stock: I was in a small room. There was a massive anchor and chain sitting haphazardly on the floor, so I reckoned that this was the anchor room and the window I just entered was where the anchor dropped. Everything around me secured, I opened the door with no hesitations and marched out with purpose. And immediately bumped into a large dog.

“Watch it,” he growled, not even looking at me as he continued. I didn’t answer, just went the way he came—if he was moving about below, it would probably be to get topside.

I got a few feet down the passage when I saw a cat leading a line of unicorns up to the top. Behind the group was a dog with a massive whip. Jackpot. I gripped my knife with one hand and got ready to bring up the crossbow with the other as I continued down the path, trying to look nonchalant.

I squeezed to the side to let the slave group pass. As soon as the cat got past me I whipped my dagger out and stabbed her in the back of her neck, severing her spine. I dropped the knife to let her fall and brought my crossbow up to shoot at the dog, who was staring in utter surprise. I shot him in the dead center of mass and bowled past the unicorns that were now cowering on the floor to finish him before he could get any words out. I pulled out another knife and casually drew a red line across his throat before he could do so much as utter a sound.

That went well. Then I looked down at the unicorns. Oh come on! Those that could look at me were looking at me with nothing but fear in their eyes. Most were just huddling on the ground, moaning softly. I wiped the knife off on his coat and sheathed it.

“No time for this,” I said, picking up one of those that was staring at me. “We need to take this damn ship over.”

“They have our children!” the stallion I picked up groaned.

“Son of a bitch,” I sighed, dropping the unicorn and going to grab my other knife. It ripped out of the cat’s body with a sickening sound and I wiped it off on her jacket. That clean and put away, I grabbed one of the other unicorns that was staring at me with something that looked a bit less like fear and a bit more like hope. “Where are your damn children?” I asked, holding him up.

He pointed with an infected hoof down the hall, where the slaves had been coming from.

I reloaded the crossbow, saying “Anyone that’s tired of being a slave, come with me.”

Three of the seven stood, two stallions and a mare. Two of those were shaking. I pointed to one at random. “Guard these four,” I said. “We’re going to need them when we take the ship. You two, come with me. We’re going to get your families.”

I heard shouting from the main passage and looked that way. I saw a cat heading our way. Without missing a beat I yelled, “Infiltrator on board! I’ll watch the slaves, you warn the crew!” The cat nodded and ran back the way he came. Stupid fucking cat. I turned back to the unicorn I told to watch the others. “Get some of these cowards to help you if you can. I want nothing to get down this hall alive.” He nodded, determination coming to his eyes.

I began to run down the hall and I heard the other two follow me slower, probably used to being chained. I found another cat that I immediately stabbed through the neck. Unfortunately, I was starting to get covered in blood, so I didn’t expect my disguise would work for much longer. I came to the end of the hall to find a staircase leading down. I couldn’t peek down it without possibly alerting anyone at the bottom, so I just waited for the unicorns to catch up.

“What kind of defenses are down there?” I asked.

“Two cats,” one whispered, his voice hoarse. “One naga.” Shit. Shit shit shit.

“You two kill the naga,” I said. “I’ll take the cats.” The stallion gave a vicious snarl at that. The mare didn’t have any reaction. “Follow me down after fifteen seconds.” I pulled a throwing knife out and readied my crossbow. One shot at this.

I slowly made my way down the stairs, knife held casually at the ready. I scanned the shadows, looking for anything that might spring out at me. I got down to an opening to a large hold and looked inside to find a small group of ponies in chains guarded by a naga and two cats. I strode out confidently.

“What happened to you?” the naga demanded, tearing his eyes away from one of the fillies that was staring into the distance, traumatized.

“Infiltrator,” I hissed. “The captain wants you to search the ship; it appears to be invisible and normal eyes cannot see it. I will take your post.” Naga see in infrared, I think.

The naga cursed, jerking his gaze back to the filly. After a moment, he turned to the door and slithered out without another word.

When he got to the door, he exploded. The two cats turned to face the explosion, surprised. I jerked my hand out, throwing the knife to catch one and shooting the other before she could react. The one I hit with a knife went down while the one I shot was able to move quickly enough to avoid a fatal hit. I dropped the crossbow and drew my dagger to try to finish her before she could retaliate. Before I could get to her, though, she shot across the hold and hit the wall with a sickening thud. I noticed that the other one was melting. I am never going to piss a unicorn off.

I knelt down to pick up the crossbow when I felt myself flatten to the floor. “Now who are you and why are you helping us?” the mare demanded as she and the stallion walked into the hold full of children that were too traumatized to scream.

I couldn’t move and I was being held down hard enough to have difficulty talking, so I just whispered, “Remove… cape.” I felt it jerk aside and heard a gasp.

“What darkness is this?” the mare demanded, not letting me up. “A cat with wings?”

“It’s magic, Sunny,” the stallion said. “And he is obviously not an enemy. At least, not yet. We will see what we see when we take this ship over. For now, release him.”

“No pony just mysteriously appears and saves you!” the mare yelled. “Whatever he is, he’s a monster! We can’t trust him!”

I felt the pressure increase for a moment and it felt like my ribs were cracking before it suddenly stopped entirely. I tenderly sat up. I turned to see the unicorns seeming to stare each other down, horns glowing.

I shook my head and grabbed my crossbow. “One of you stay here and guard the kids. I’m going topside to take this ship.” I reloaded the crossbow as I walked back to the entrance of the hold. I didn’t stop, just trusted that one of the two would follow me. Neither one did.

I got back to the unicorns that were holding the hallway. There were several bodies choking up the passage, and it looked like the rest of the unicorns were up and ready for a fight now.

One looked back as I stepped forward and gasped at my wings. “Wh-what are you?” she whispered.

“Your savior,” I answered. “But I still need your help. These damn pirates are attacking an Equestrian ship right now. We need to take this ship over to prevent them from hurting more ponies. I trust you all know enough about combat to help me?”

They all went tight-lipped about that. The first one that I assigned to watch them nodded after a moment.

“Then lead the charge,” I said. “There is not much I can do in an open fight; I’m not a warrior. I’ll try to watch your backs to make sure nothing sneaks up on you.”

“Watch out for the griffin,” one of them warned. “He’s fierce.” Oh fun. They have a flier.

I nodded. “I’ll be careful. Lead the way.”

The eyes of one of the unicorns in the group began to glow as his horn lit up. He took the lead, rushing past the others. He charged up the stairs at the end of the hall and the door exploded off its hinges, shooting out across the ship and impacting the mast, breaking the door in half. The stallion followed it onto the deck. The rest of us followed.

I got on the deck to find that we were right alongside the pony ship. There were a few boarders on the pony ship fighting against the guards, but most of the pirates’ attention was on us.

“Showtime,” I heard one of the unicorns whisper.

Pirates began to drop. I couldn’t tell what was happening to them, but everything in all directions around us just began to fall. I drummed my fingers on the crossbow nervously at the display. I hate seeing magic used like this when I knew it could just as easily be used against me. As the pain on my chest was witness to, at that.

I began to check the skies, looking for the griffin that was supposedly out there. I saw some shapes flitting in and out of the skies and when I looked closer, I realized some of the pegasus guards were fighting the griffin in the clouds. A gentle rain of blood trickled down from one of the guards as they dived and twirled in their deadly pirouette of battle. I knew I had no place up there.

So instead I took aim with my crossbow and waited for the griffin to stop moving long enough to draw a decent bead on it. I got my chance sooner than I was expecting as he struck one of the guards again and grabbed him by the throat to say a few gloating words, raising his talons. I shot before he could take the killing blow and the bolt pierced him right in the ribs, a killing shot if I ever saw one.

I turned back to the battle as I reloaded the crossbow. More than half of the pirates on the deck were downed, felled by some mysterious spell. I saw the unicorns smiling darkly as they continued their work, facing in all directions around me as they worked their magic. I hefted my crossbow, feeling pretty useless. When I checked up in the air again, I saw that the pegasi and the griffin were gone.

I sighed and turned back to the deck. All of the pirates were now cowering from the onslaught of the ex-slaves. Many of them were trying to surrender.

“No mercy,” I said aloud. “They’d get the death penalty for their crimes anyway. Might as well save us all the time.” The unicorns didn’t need any encouraging, that’s for sure. Although I’m not certain Equestria has a death penalty. It does, however, have a Tartarus banishment, which was arguably worse.

I walked up to one of the first pirates that went down and checked to see if she was alive. The cat had no pulse. Looks like unicorns are more deadly than I thought. I stood to see the battle was pretty much over, aside from the fight on the Equestrian ship, which was winding down as the pirates realized their ship was gone and they weren’t going to be able to take the other one.

The remaining pirates threw their arms down in disgust at having lost to ponies. The guards rounded them up. Not going to be able to kill them. Guards wouldn’t allow it. Not my problem.

“Stand down!” I yelled to the ex-slaves. “Looks like we won.” I turned to the group of exhausted unicorns. “Three of you, go get your kids and bring them up top. Get the two that are guarding them to make sure the rest of the ship is cleared. No reason to have any desperado trying to bargain his way to freedom with a hostage.” Three of them limped back down into the ship. I went to the railing and waved one of the pegasus guards over. “Talk to these two,” I told him. “Debrief them, comfort them, whatever.” He looked at me strangely. “What?”

“Are you… are you okay?” he asked, looking at some of the blood stains on my body.

“I’m fine. I just… don’t like magic. They’ll feel better talking to a pony.” He gave me a wary look before nodding and going to talk to the unicorns that were just now realizing their ordeal might be over. I went to check on more of the bodies.

Dead. Dead. Wait, this one’s brea—no, dead. Dead. Eww, he’s definitely dead. I looked up. “Holy Christ.” The entire crew of around forty was dead, aside from the five survivors that surrendered to the royal guards.

I shrugged and began stripping them of valuables and then throwing the bodies into the ocean.

I was on the twentieth when I heard a disgusted sound behind me. I kept working. “What are you doing?” I heard someone demand.

“No reason to let their weapons go to waste,” I said without turning. I continued stripping weapons and coins from the body and grunted from the effort as I cast it over the side before turning to view the captain of the Princess Celestia.

He was staring at me in horror.

“Did you need something?” I asked, wiping my hand on my desert clothes.

He blinked and shuddered. “We’re ready to cast off and move on,” he said. “The slaves are aboard our ship and the prisoners are secured. It’s time to go, human.”

“We’re not leaving this ship,” I replied.

He blinked. “I am in command, human,” he said. “And I say it is time for us to go.”

“We are taking this ship to Manehattan, selling it, and giving the profits to the slaves so they can start a new life. With their added wind power, we should be able to get both ships back to Equestria ahead of schedule easily enough.”

He frowned. “If anything, this ship belongs to the royal navy! We can’t just so casually sell her majesty’s property!”

I walked up close to him and his eyes widened when he realized just how much taller than him I was. It probably also helped that I was well armed and showing off my canines with a scowl. “I am Celestia’s word right here, Captain. Do you want to be the one to tell seven battle-hardened unicorns to get the hell out of your sight with nothing when we reach Equestria? Do you want to see them turn to war or banditry to feed their children? As far as I have seen, Equestria doesn’t have much of a welfare program. So you listen to me, you stuck up groundie—” I have no idea what that insult means, but I’ve seen pegasi use it against earth ponies in the past to great effect. “—we’re taking this ship and we’re going to sell it and the unicorns are going to get all of the money. Do we have an understanding?”

He audibly gulped and nodded.

I turned back to looting.

In the end, I gathered up several belts of throwing knives, all manner of interesting daggers, and I replaced my nasty falchion with a much nicer one. I left the other weapons in a room in the pirate ship, to be dealt with as the unicorns chose. Unfortunately, their food stores were emptied of meat, so I couldn’t grab any of that.

I casually walked my way through the ship, seeing if there was anything worth taking. A few bits, some cloth, a few jewels, a few books. I grabbed the books and threw them in a bag and left the rest for the unicorns to take.

I got back to the top just as this one was getting crewed by a few of the guards and some of Princess Celestia’s unicorns. “How’s the guard that got hit by the griffin?” I asked them.

“Still alive,” one of the guards told me. “We thought he was done for when your weapon ripped the griffin out of the air. The guard is hurt and may have trouble flying in the future, but he’d be dead right now if it wasn’t for you.” He smiled darkly. “That’s more than we can say for the griffin.” I shrugged and jumped back to our ship. I was just glad he was able to give me the shot.

When I got back to the ship, I was quickly surrounded by several smiling unicorns that I did my best to just walk past. I wanted to let Taya know I was okay and change out of those bloody clothes.

Their smiles didn’t last long when they realized I was trying to get around them. “What’s the matter?” one of the stallions asked.

I don’t like being acclaimed. “I have business to take care of,” I answered. You terrify me. “I am rather noticeable.” Please ignore me for the rest of the trip. “If you wish to talk later, I shouldn’t be hard to find.”

The smiles returned and they nodded. I noticed the mare that tried to murder me wasn’t among their group. The kids were hanging back, probably terrified of me after having seen me take care of the two cats. Or they were just as traumatized as Taya had been.

I went below, to my quarters, and knocked on the door. “I’m back, Taya.” The door swung open. “My apologies for taking so long.” All in all, I think the endeavor took maybe an hour. Looting took longer than the actual fight. I stepped inside and she gasped at the blood.

“Are you okay?” she asked as she rushed over to me for a hug.

“I’m fine,” I said. “A few others aren’t. And we have some new passengers on the ship. Please don’t go out of your way to talk to the adult unicorns, but feel free to talk to their kids if you want.” I didn’t want her to end up learning any deadly magic on accident. I wasn’t expecting her to talk to any of them anyway, but I wanted to be safe. “And do not go into the cargo hold.” That was where the prisoners were stored. Passengers already weren’t supposed to be down there, but I didn’t want to risk it.

“I won’t,” she promised as she released me.

I dropped the sack on the bed. “I picked up a few more books for you, but I don’t know what’s in them. I’ll give them a look before you can have them, right after I wash and get changed.” She may be traumatized and seemingly mature, but there’s no reason to let her go around reading smut. She’s still a damn child.

She nodded. I started taking off my weapons and setting them down out of the way. I would have to clean them all, but thankfully pirates take great care of their weapons. You know, since their lives and livelihoods depend on them not getting captured or killed. Weapons removed, I peeled the nasty clothes off and threw them into a corner to be dealt with later. I went to our small bathroom. Come to think of it, I still don’t know exactly how that thing worked.

Some things in this world, man… It’s just not worth trying to understand.

Anyway, with the shower done, I walked back into my quarters to find a crew member there. She blushed for some reason when she saw me half naked. What the hell? Taya was staring at her.

“Yes?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She pulled her gaze from my pasty-white chest—it really wasn’t that sexy, no matter what she seemed to think. “The captain wishes for you to dine with him this night, Navarone,” she said.

“What the hell does that mean? The captain doesn’t even have his own dining room.” He ate with the crew, same as everyone else.

“He said you would be meeting on the deck, so you could talk with the unicorns in private.” It’s kind of sad when you have to be on deck to have enough room to have a private meeting.

“I’ll think about it,” I answered. I would go, of course; the captain couldn’t actually do anything to me, but he could make my life a bit harder on the boat.

She gave me a shy smile. “He thought you would say something like that. He said you can either eat with him or you can eat with me.”

I blinked. What the actual fuck? “Then it’s a shame duty requires me to join him,” I commented with a fake sigh. Maybe she joined the navy to meet new creatures and fuck them. “There will be room for Taya, I assume?”

She gave a real sigh and nodded. “The children of the unicorns will also be on deck. She can eat with them.” I saw Taya tense. I gently put a hand on her head. If I had to guess, she was afraid of meeting other pony children for the first time.

“We’ll be there, I suppose,” I finally said. She gave me the time to meet them and a small salute—and another little smile—and left. When she was gone, I shuddered. I’m tired of ponies thinking they’re sexy.

I started getting dressed.

“Do I have to go?” Taya asked.

“You don’t have to, I suppose,” I answered. “But there will be food. I don’t expect the kids to be doing much talking tonight. They’re pretty traumatized.”

That didn’t completely assuage her fears, but I also didn’t really care. I sat on the bed and began pulling out books. There weren’t many on the ship that I found. Two of them were full of smut. The rest were mostly nautical books that I deemed fit to read, if incredibly boring. I threw the smut into my pack of clothes to give to a friend later—and no, that doesn’t mean I kept them for myself. I actually did plan on giving them to a friend; I just don’t want to mention his or her name.

Now that all of that business was out of the way, I started thinking. How can I avoid seven powerful unicorns for a few weeks? Correct answer: I can’t.

I didn’t like that answer.

Next question… Why am I really so afraid of them? I saved them and their kids. They wouldn’t hurt me, would they?

That mare sure didn’t seem to have any problem with it… But the rest of them would probably help keep me safe, right?

I also thought about the prisoners. Did I really say… no mercy? I guess I really haven’t learned a damn thing from the ponies after all. But… they were pirates. They would have killed or enslaved us. They had enslaved ponies and there’s no telling what other crimes they have committed in the past.

Though I’m not so squeaky clean myself…

I won’t decide anything about the prisoners we have now. The ponies can have them for all I care. It wasn’t my place anyway.

I sighed. Why do I have to deal with shit like this?

I felt a nudge on my arm and I flinched. I looked down to see Taya trying to get under my arm so she could sit across my lap to read. I don’t know why she likes it there, but whatever. I moved my arm and she crawled up. I gently stroked her as she read some book. I occasionally reached down to help her turn the pages.

Dinner came sooner than I would have hoped. I sighed when I realized it was time to go. Taya hopped down and I picked up a few weapon belts just in case. It felt nice to have the reassuring weight of deadly arms on me, even if they were looted from a pirate and I didn’t have much practice using them yet. I would have taken the crossbow, but it got in the way sometimes.

I led the way down the corridor with Taya behind me, as it usually is when we head to dinner. And…. Well, when we head anywhere, really. She just trails passively behind me unless I tell her to lead the way or walk beside me.

We got outside to find everyone else already out there.

There were gasps of surprise from the unicorns. That was when I realized that they hadn’t actually seen me yet, only me with the wrap on my head. They probably thought I was some kind of mutant cat or dog.

I joined them in their little circle near the front of the ship. They were all sitting on the deck, with a few large plates of food in the center. Their kids sat in a smaller circle—there weren’t really all that many kids, about nine—behind us. Taya sat down as close to me as she could get. They were all still staring at me, aside from the captain who was eagerly eating.

“What did you need me for?” I asked him. He didn’t look up. “Captain.” He looked up at that. “Why am I here?”

“To discuss them,” he answered, waving a hoof at the assembled unicorns.

I looked at the unicorns for a moment before turning my gaze back to the captain. “They are not my concern. I told you what we were going to do for them. I leave it up to you to deal with it.”

“From what you said, you made it rather clear that you are the highest authority on this ship,” he casually said, sipping at a glass of water. “I hardly see why that should be my responsibility.”

I glared at him. “Because as the highest authority on this ship, I am telling you that it is your responsibility. Unless you want one of them,” I said with a wave to the unicorns, “to sell the ship for you. Or,” I mused aloud as I turned to face one of the unicorns, “you all want to keep the ship yourself.”

The one I looked at turned a bit pale. “I am done with the sea… whoever you are.”

I turned back to the captain. “There. Sell the ship and divide the profits evenly among the unicorns. If there was a reward for the pirates we killed and captured, keep the reward for the pirates you killed and captured and give the rest to them, since they did so much more to earn it.”

The captain’s face grew darker at each word.

Before he could explode, I said, “You didn’t join the navy to get rich, did you?”

There wasn’t anything he could really say to that without admitting hate for me or his own greed.

One of the unicorns finally spoke up, “So… what are you?” she asked.

I looked at her. “I am a human,” I answered. “A royal agent of sorts.”

They all blinked at that. One of the stallions asked, “Are we… are we going to Equestria?”

“Yes,” I said.

“What will happen to us?” one of the mares whispered, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“You’ll get the money from selling the pirate ship and if there’s a reward for taking down the pirates, you’ll get that as well. From that point, you’re on your own, I suppose. That money should be enough to get you established somewhere.”

That announcement was met with mixed reactions. As they thought it over, I reached down and grabbed some food and handed the plate to Taya and then grabbed some for myself. Sadly, there was no meat, but by now I was used to that disappointment.

Taya and I began to eat as well, which opened the floodgates for the others. “Don’t eat too much,” I warned, seeing how skinny most of them were. “If you’re on the verge of starvation and eat too much, you’ll get sick.” I don’t think any of them were going to listen to my advice.

After a few minutes of silence, the captain said, “So Navarone, what do you suggest we do with the prisoners?”

I ground my teeth together. “Give them to the guards at Manehattan, since you were dumb enough to let them surrender. We can’t just kill them now, since there are actually passengers aboard this ship. Just be happy that we killed the naga and the griffin already; dogs and cats are vicious, but easy enough to guard.”

He nodded as though he expected nothing else from me. Which to be honest, he probably didn’t. “So you truly are barbaric,” he casually said as he continued eating.

“Yes, I am,” I answered. “And you know what else?” He looked up and raised his eyebrow, smiling slightly. “Celestia uses me anyway, knowing it,” I finished with a vicious smile. His face fell and he quickly went back to eating so he could try to hide his expression. In calling me and my methods barbaric and knowing that Celestia allows what I do, he basically called her barbaric.

None of the unicorns commented.

We continued eating in silence for a little while. Finally one of them looked up at me, a stallion, “You don’t even know our names…” he said.

I looked to him. “You are correct, I don’t,” I flatly said. I didn’t even make it sound like a question. He blinked at my tone and looked back down to his food.

The mare that tried to kill me gave me a nasty look. “You aren’t very nice, are you?” she asked.

“Taya, am I a nice person?” I asked her.

She didn’t look that happy to be called upon to talk, but she quietly said, “Yes… but you’re acting mean because you’re scared.”

What the… How did she… Huh. “There you go,” I said to the mare. “I am nice. Maybe you should just get your panties unwadded.”

Her glowing horn was the only warning I had. I flew backwards so quickly that I hit the railing and flipped over it and was dangling over the water before I realized I had moved. I don’t know why I was floating or what the hell had just happened, but I did know my entire body was in pain. And I did know that as soon as I got my feet back on deck, there was going to be a unicorn in a whole different world of pain.

I very slowly drifted back up until I was standing upright on the deck. I felt the magic release me and saw that all six of the other unicorns had stepped in to save me. The bitch that threw me was on her back with a bleeding nose.

I calmly walked up to the group that was staring at me in horror. I knelt down on top of the bitch and put my knee on her chest, using enough pressure to get her attention. I calmly drew a knife and tapped her horn. “That is strike two for you. I’m giving you three because I know you just went through a terrifying ordeal. If you attack me one more time, I will cut off your horn and throw it into the ocean.”

She stared at me with horror.

I removed my knee and sat back where I was. Sadly, my plate was now resting at the bottom of the ocean, so I settled for using Taya’s since she had finished.

It was around that time that I noticed everyone was staring at me in horror.

“Am I bleeding again?” I sighed.

Taya whispered, “Yes…”

The plate hit the deck. “Fuck it.” I stood. “If you unicorns need anything, it isn’t my problem and I don’t really care. Bother the captain.”

I had time to see them look at each other in confusion before I walked back below, Taya following me. It was then that I noticed each step was an agony. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that before. “Taya, I’m going to the doc. You can go back to the room if you want.” She continued following me as I went past our door.

I limped to the small medical ward and got there just as the doctor was stepping out. “What happened to you?” he asked. “I thought the guards said you weren’t injured in that fight!”

“One of our guests,” I hissed with venom, “has decided to take a disliking to me. I do not have defenses against magic.”

He sighed and gestured me to follow him back inside. I saw a few guards inside, all bandaged up—this guy was a unicorn, but he wasn’t strong enough to heal most wounds as quickly as Twilight or Celestia. “How bad are you?” he asked.

“Fuck if I know,” I said. “I just know my entire back is shooting agony into my mind and that it hurts to walk.”

He looked at me. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about you. I don’t know what’s… normal, I suppose, and what’s not. I can relieve your pain, but from the sounds of things, something inside of you is broken. I don’t know if I can successfully heal that.”

“Try,” I told him. As badly as it hurt, anything would be better than nothing.

His horn glowed for a few seconds and I felt the warm glow of healing in me. After a second, it cut off.

“I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do,” he gasped, his voice weary. “With the influx of wounded, I’m running nearly on empty…”

I flexed. There was a little less pain, but it still hurt like a bitch. “Thanks for the effort, at least,” I sighed.

I’m really, really getting tired of this fucking world.

Taya and I headed back to my room. I was still limping, sadly. We got there to find the unicorn that saved me the first time waiting inside. I stared at him. He stared at me.

“What,” I said. Not a question. Just a flat “What.” I was in pain and I didn’t feel like dealing with this anymore.

He looked down. “We’re grateful,” he said. “Sunny… She’s just been through a lot.” He looked up. “And she won’t be bothering you again,” he said, his voice hardening. His voice softened again as he continued, “But the rest of us would like to talk to you and thank you.”

I looked down at Taya who was looking at the unicorn with interest. I looked back up to the fellow. “The only thanks I’m interested in are the kind that heal me. If one of the six of you can heal me, I might be willing to talk to you.”

He noticed me looking at Taya. “She said you were afraid. What are you afraid of?”

“I don’t discuss my fears with strangers. Heal me or get out. Preferably both.”

“I’ll heal you if you promise to give the rest of us a chance.” Shit.

“I am giving you a chance,” I replied. “A chance at a new life. One that doesn’t involve war. One without violence. One without misery. Talking with me raises the chance of all of that changing before it even starts. I am a bad influence on the minds of ponies. Now, if you aren’t going to heal me, get out; talking hurts.”

He shook his head. “You’re not like the ponies here, Navarone,” he said. I narrowed my eyes. “We have seen… Too much. The captain called you a barbarian for wanting to kill those pirates. He is soft. Almost all of the ponies are. We can’t just acclimatize back to a society like that, not if we’re going to Equestria. You obviously live there and can help us. So if you want my help, I want your word that you’ll give us your help.”

There is no way to convey the desire I had to tell him to get out. To wipe that determined look off his face. I don’t know why I felt that way. By all rights, I should be happy to help, as I was with Taya. But… I’m afraid of magic, you see. All seven of them had proven to be rather powerful and extremely deadly. I didn’t want to be anywhere near them.

Taya mumbled something.

“What did you say, Taya?” I quietly asked, trying to calm myself.

“They have foals,” she whispered.

I closed my eyes and would have massaged my temple if moving like that didn’t hurt. After a second I opened my eyes again. “Fine,” I growled. “Heal me now and you can come by tomorrow. Knock first.”

He healed me fully and left without a word.

I sat on the bed, staring at the wall. Why am I feeling like this? I’m going home! I should be happy!

But what’s the point of going home if there’s so little there to look forward to?

I couldn’t help but sigh as Taya crawled her way back up to my lap. “Taya, what do you know of morality?” I asked when she was settled.

“What’s morality?” she asked.

“Someone’s personal system of right and wrong,” I answered. “It is self-determined, often built from parents and your community while you are growing up.”

“Oh,” she whispered. Oh right. Parents. Shit.

I sighed. “I’m just asking because mine seems to be completely gone today. My patience is growing short and my mood is growing darker the closer we get to Equestria, and I don’t know why. I know what I should be doing and what I should be feeling, but instead of doing that I just act.”

“You freed several slaves because of it,” she quietly answered.

“Yeah, I did. And now I’m acting like a total jerk to them just because they want to thank me. You were—somehow—correct when you said I was afraid of them. Magic itself makes me uneasy, even after so long, but the magic I saw them use today was terrifying. And then to have it used against me like that...” I shook my head. “No, I don’t want anything to do with them.” I punched the bed. “But I know I need to. What that fellow said was correct: They will need help readjusting to life.”

I heard her mutter something. Before I could ask what she said, she spoke up, “None of them will hurt you. I won’t let them.” I couldn’t help a small smile at that. She might be a unicorn, but she didn’t know any magic and she was just a filly. She might as well have been reading my thoughts, since she said, “They’ll see me and assume I’m your daughter. If they were doing magic for the pirates because the pirates had their children, they’ll not risk hurting you or me out of sympathy.”

I looked down at the filly in my lap with a mixture of fear and pride. She wasn’t looking at me, but was looking at the closed book in front of her. That plan was devious, something I should have come up with. But her mind shouldn’t be that dark. She was an orphan on the streets of Catro. There’s no telling what she did to survive.

“Celestia is going to enjoy having you in her castle, I think,” I said, stroking her gently. Taya didn’t respond, just opened the book.

I sighed, finally noticing how tired I was. Killing people and getting healed can really wear a guy out, I suppose.

There was a time when I would have been shocked at how blasé I’ve become about the idea of killing someone. Ponyland is not at all as peaceful as I thought. I shook my head sadly as I gently lifted Taya off my lap and lowered her onto the bed.

“I’m going to sleep. Don’t stay up all night, unless you really think sleeping on my lap will make you more effective in convincing the unicorns not to attack me.”

She didn’t say anything. Thankfully, I was well used to sleeping in small areas and with the lights on, so it didn’t take long for sleep to find me.

I awoke some time later to a tapping, as of someone gently rapping—Get the fuck out of my head, Poe. Someone was knocking at the door. My entire body felt sore, so I was quite thankful when Taya jumped down to get it.

I pushed myself up and flipped over and began to stretch, popping everything I could. The normal morning routine, for me. I was sore from sleeping nearly fourteen hours, as it turned out. My body felt dry. I went to the bathroom and drained as much water out of the tap as I could.

Then I went back into the room to see who was bothering me: A unicorn mare, a colt, and a filly. I looked at them with eyes that I imagined looked pretty dead.

“Yes?” I finally asked, trying to make my voice something other than a growl. I saw Taya gently ease the door shut and then trot to my side. I put a hand on her head.

The mare saw that and smiled lightly. “Flash told us to come by today to talk with you. He mentioned you really needed rest and would be more willing to talk in the morning.” There wasn’t a window or a clock in my room, so I had no idea if it was actually morning or not.

I shrugged. “Killing people puts me in a bad mood. So does getting attacked for helping someone. Sit,” I said, waving them to the bed. “I have nothing else to offer other than a seat, so I hope you’ve already eaten.”

They moved to the bed, the children walking as closely to the mare as they could get and sitting just as close when they were down. I moved across the room to the wall and sat against it, leaning forward so my wings didn’t get caught. Taya sat on my lap.

“What did you want to discuss?” I finally asked, putting one of my hands on Taya.

“I wanted to thank you,” the mare said. “Some of us were talking to the crew… Apparently it is common practice for Equestrian ships to flee from pirate ships. And if they can’t escape, they typically can’t put up that much of a fight if the other crew has unicorns.” No wonder there are pirates out there. “One of the mares on the crew said it was your plan to rescue us and use us against the pirates. And when you left last night after dinner, the captain confirmed what you said about giving us all the money from selling their ship and most of the reward money from killing the pirates. You’re a hero…”

A hero in tarnished armor. “I’m not a hero,” I answered. “Just a man that wants to live in peace but isn’t given the option.” I shrugged. “I’m honestly shocked at how many people seem to think I’m good. I am a royal agent that specializes in infiltration and silent removal.” I made that up on the spot because it sounded cool. “Essentially, I’m a murderer. That doesn’t make me good. That makes me useful.”

“Or modest,” the mare murmured. My eyes hardened. “You can say what you want. Nothing you say will put my foals back in that pirate hold. Not after you broke them out.”

“Fine. Have it your way. I grow weary of debating the merits of heroism. How long were you imprisoned?”

“Three years. The things we’ve done… The things I’ve seen…” She sighed and shook her head. “I will never forget them, will I?”

“You won’t,” I evenly replied, gently stroking Taya. “Your dreams will be haunted by them almost every night. You’ll hear the laughter of children one day and in your mind it’ll be screams. You’ll see a flash of light and think it’s an explosion. You’ll see magic being used and automatically assume it’s for a deadly purpose. Every time you let someone who wasn’t there get near you, you’ll eventually push them away. Some days you won’t be able to get out of bed. You’ll try to find some escape, some outlet… But there’s nothing there. Drugs will help you forget, for a time. But you’ll remember when you sober up. You’re finally free, but your mind is still trapped…” Her eyes watered up as soon as I started and she was gently crying by the time I was halfway done. “My people have a name for it. Post-traumatic stress disorder. When I left my lands, there was no known cure. I’ve suffered from a weak form of it ever since…” I thought back. “Ever since my first kill, I suppose. It has gotten steadily worse. I don’t often have pleasant dreams. I grow weary of dealing with ponies. My patience dies. My anger grows quickly.”

It took her a few minutes to stop crying. “What can we do?” she finally hoarsely whispered.

“Be there for each other. Almost none of the ponies in Equestria will understand what you’ve been through. If you make a friend that wasn’t there and they ask you what’s wrong when they find you crying, you won’t be able to tell them. You can try, but the words won’t come. Nothing can describe it. The only comfort you’ll find is with those that were there with you, or those that have been through similar. That’s why I don’t want your thanks,” I said at last. “I’ve freed your body, but I don’t know how to free your mind.”

“Is… is that all we can do?” she whispered.

“The power of friendship,” I said, “can conquer just about everything.” Fucking Twilight and her diatribes against my sanity; she’s always preaching something or another about the ‘power of friendship.’ This is the only case that I can think of where it actually applies. “You can try to dedicate your life to something to help you forget, but… The problem will still be there. Do not take solitude in drugs or pleasure or the like. I suggest taking the money you earn and finding a quiet place that isn’t Ponyville to settle down in.”

She looked at me with her bloodshot eyes. “How do you deal with it?” she asked.

I looked back with my clear, hard eyes. “I don’t,” I answered. And there was my problem, I realized. That’s why I’m acting like a jerk and that’s why I let Kat anywhere near me. I’m going away from the place where so much of it happened and back into a world where no one can understand. The slaves I rescued at least had each other. I had… no one.

How long can something like me survive in a world of pastel colored, ultra-friendly, reality-defying ponies? I guess I’ll find out.

“Why don’t you stay with us, then?” the mare asked. “We haven’t been through what you have, but at least we’re more able to understand your problems.”

“I’m not a pony and I already have a place. I think me being around you would be detrimental to you getting better. Trust me when I say it’s for the best.” I shrugged. “And hell, who knows: PTSD might not even affect ponies. It might just be me that’s damaged. You might just need a few years to get over it. I don’t really know.”

We shared a small silence for a few minutes. Finally, she asked, “So where do you come from?”

“An alternate reality,” I answered.

She looked at me like I was an idiot. Finally she shrugged. “My answer is more boring, I suppose. I’m from Stalliongrad, though I’ve done so much traveling now it’s not like it really matters. I’d like to find a place to settle down…”

“You can get to just about anywhere from Manehattan, where we’re bound,” I told her. “And when the ship sells, you shouldn’t have any worry about money for a little while. I’m sure you’ll find a place in the world.”

She finally gave a small smile. “I’ve heard nice things about Ponyville…”

“Someone lied to you, then,” I answered with a frown. “That place is not good for those like us. It looks like a nice little village from the outside, but if you spend a month there, you’ll probably wind up with at least two near disasters and all manner of terrifying events. There’s this one chick that lives there that defies reality. She can appear anywhere at any time. She uses a fucking cannon for mobile parties.” I shook my head. “No, I don’t suggest moving to Ponyville.”

She sighed. “You just said that friendship can conquer all. But you don’t seem to want to be friends with any of us!”

“I’m afraid of magic,” I said. She blinked. “Terrified, in some ways. I have absolutely no defense against it. I’ve had it used against me several times in the past and I know it might happen again in the future. The fewer unicorns I have around, the less the chance is that I’ll be attacked by it.” I felt Taya flinch.

“But friends don’t… We would never hurt you. We could even protect you! You saw how quick we were to help you against Sunny. She’s just mad at you because you have wings, but she’ll get over that in time. You have our word that she’ll never hurt you, Navarone.”

“She tried killing me before she knew I had wings,” I said.

“No, she held you down before she knew that. She didn’t try killing you until your cover was off. Flash told us that.”

“Fine. Either way, she tried to kill me. Twice, I believe. And both times I had to be saved by another unicorn. I’d rather just not risk it happening at all. So no, I don’t really care to be your friend. I’ll talk with you and help you try to get back into the mindset of living in a pony society, but I’m not looking for more friends.”

She just looked at me. After a long moment of silence, she asked, “Do you mind if our kids wait outside?”

“Yes, I do mind. I am not interested in anything they cannot be privy to.”

She rolled her eyes. “I just want to show you that magic doesn’t have to be bad. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I shook my head. “Not interested.”

She sniffed. “What, prefer stallions? I’m sure I can talk one of them in here to show you.”

I glared at her. “No, I’m interested in things that aren’t ponies. And if you continue talking about this, you’re going to be leaving my room.”

She met my glare with a very confused look. “You’re not attracted to ponies? At all?” I stiffly nodded. “Well, you just got a lot more interesting.” I reached over to my pile of weapons and pulled a knife out and set it down next to me. She saw that and chuckled. “I’m not going to force you into anything, Nav.” I narrowed my eyes at her use of my name. “I take your threat against Sunny seriously enough. It’s just surprising, is all. I’ll be sure to let Sunny know; she might dislike you less when she learns that.”

“I don’t care how she feels about me,” I harshly said. “When I leave Manehattan, that’ll be the last I see of any of you. I don’t know any of your names but the chick that hates me and the guy that seems to be in charge, and I’m happy with that.”

She gave me a warm smile. “You have a few weeks to change your mind. Longer, if we want; we control the winds of these two ships now, and we’re more powerful than the unicorns already assigned to this ship.”

“I have two princesses that are looking forward to my report,” I said. “I think they might be displeased if I was delayed.”

She giggled. “I think they might understand. Besides, it’s not like they’ll be able to do anything worse to us, after what’s already been done!”

I think the grinding of my teeth was audible.

She got up with a smile. “I think I’ll go for a short little walk. I’m sure your next guest will be here shortly.” She got up, her children following her. “I’ll see you later, Navarone,” she sweetly said as she left.

“It’s going to be a long few weeks,” I said when she was gone.

“You could make it easy on yourself and be nicer,” Taya answered.

I sighed. “I could, but where’s the fun in that?”

It took us about a month to get to Manehattan, and the unicorns were with us for about three weeks. It was early August when we got there, I believe. That was the biggest pony city Taya had yet seen. I got more books for Taya and some train tickets to Canterlot.

I don’t know what became of the unicorns. I upheld my end of the bargain and talked with them all, aside from the chick that tried to kill me; she never came by. Some of them might have even considered me a friend. But they didn’t know where their life was taking them and to be quite honest, I still couldn’t make myself care. I also don’t know what became of the prisoners.

Chapter Twenty-Eight—Introductions

Chapter Twenty-Eight—Introductions

Some time later, I returned to my quarters, where Taya and Twilight were still working on some magic stuff. I walked in, nodded my greetings, and sat back to watch. Not a minute later, I got bored and decided to practice juggling again. I was getting better, but when you were completely unable to do something before, better doesn’t exactly mean much.

A few minutes later, Twilight came over to me. “So when can we go home?” she asked.

“Whenever, as far as I know. If you can scrounge up transportation, we can go now.”

“Can you carry Taya in the air?”

“I’ve done it before. But we have some more junk now. You might have to carry some of it. Can those flimsy wings you make support extra weight?”

“One way to find out.” She turned to her student. “Taya, you want to see some real magic at work?” With no further warning, she cast the hard spell to give herself wings.

“It’s a lot easier to travel when you can fly, that’s for damn sure.” I started grabbing clothes and stuffing them in my bag.

“Navarone, that’s no way to keep your clothes neat. They’ll wrinkle!”

“Chicks care about that. I don’t.” Clothes bagged, I started strapping on weapons.

“Why do you even have a sword?” Twilight asked. “Surely you didn’t have time to learn how to use it.”

“Because if people see me carrying a sword, they’ll expect me to be able to use it. That means they won’t be expecting a bolt to the face. But no, I have no idea how to use a falchion.”

“And the knives?”

“I like to be able to slice cheese on the go.”

“It’s true,” Taya confirmed. “I saw him using one of them to cut food on the train.”

“Are those the same knives you use to… deal with your other problems?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t really paid attention. Probably not. Despite my reputation, I haven’t killed that many people.”

“That you’ve killed any is horrible…” Twilight said.

“Enough of that talk. I’m ready.”

“Can you carry all of that by yourself, and Taya as well?”

“I could, but I don’t want to have to. You can carry my clothing bag, if you like. What about you, didn’t you bring any baggage?”

“Just my dress. It’s hanging in your closet.”

“If you want to fold it up, it’ll probably fit in my bag. Or I can just stuff it in there for you.”

She rolled her eyes and folded it up with magic, then neatly laid it on top of everything in my bag.

“You just have to be difficult, don’t you?” I asked.

“I learned from the best. Strap this to my back so we can go.” I did.

We headed to the main entrance of the palace, where servants were busy undecorating everything. I was rather impressed by their purpose and order. It reminded me of ants, in a way.

I figured if Princess Celestia didn’t want us to leave, she’d have sent some manner of instructions to the servants or guards. We weren’t stopped, so we just kept going, not stopping until we got back to Twilight’s tree house in Ponyville. I was winded from that long flight, but it didn’t seem to phase Twilight at all, with her damn magic wings.

“Navarone’s description of your home was a bit…lacking,” Taya said.

“I told you that she lived in a tree,” I said. “A tree full of books. Biggest joke in the world, in a way.”

“I figured you meant under the tree…”

When we opened the door, it was very dark inside. All the blinds were closed. I stopped. Twilight looked at me and tried to take a step forward, but I stopped her with my arm.

“Taya, do you like surprises?” I asked.

Quietly, “No…”

“Me either,” I muttered. Louder, I said, “Pinkie Pie, you might scare the poor girl. Come on out.”

“Aww, you ruin everything, Nav!” Pinkie Pie accused, bounding out of the darkness. “How did you even know we were there?”

Lights were starting to come on in the tree. I saw all of Twilight’s cadre there, including the trio of terror. “It’s not so much of a surprise party if it happens every time I get back from a long trip.” We stepped inside. Taya slowly followed us. “Everyone, this is Taya. She’ll be staying with us for a while. Taya, this is everyone. Think you can name them?”

She started with Pinkie Pie and made it all the way to Spike with no problems. They didn’t seem that impressed, but I was, in a way. She was talking to—or maybe talking at—a group of people she didn’t personally know. Maybe it’s just because she knew I knew them, or maybe she was getting a bit better.

“I assume Celestia sent a message telling you we were inbound?” I asked.

Spike said, “Yeah. I was helping Rarity with a dress when… Well, it’s just ashes, now.”

“Absolutely ruined!” Rarity moaned. “I should make you pay for the materials, Nav!”

“What makes you think it’s my fault? Twilight is the one that wanted to come home so soon.”

“Oh yes, a likely excuse,” Rarity accused. “But I don’t see her defending you!”

Twilight was busy introducing Taya to everyone properly, actually, so I was forced to defend myself. “If it means so much to you, I might have a bit or two on me that could cover the costs…” I said, feeling around.

I started dumping pouches. All of my pouches.

Coins dropped and spun and rolled everywhere. Everyone’s mouth dropped except for Taya’s.

“What?” I asked, faking ignorance. “How much does a dress cost?”

Somewhat faintly, Rarity said, “I think that’s a bit more than enough…”

“Where did you get all that?” Applejack asked somewhat breathlessly.

“Sometimes being a royal errand boy pays,” I answered. “Not very well, though. Back on my world, this would be enough to pay rent and maybe groceries for a month. Glad Celestia still covers that for us.”

I don’t know if the ponies thought I was serious. It took Spike to say it, though, laughing as he did: “Navarone, you’re set for life. A small dragon might be happy to hoard that much.” I could give a few guesses as to which small dragon he had in mind.

“Several lives? I hardly need that much. Applejack, you still need to fix up your barn?”

She looked up from the pile of coins. “I can’t take money from you, Nav! That ain’t right, you earned this.”

“You heard Spike. I sure as hell don’t need all this. There’s a saying back in my world, not a very popular one, but more money, more problems. Besides, I’m sure Celestia will find some way to make me work for more.”

“It don’t feel right… But Granny does need a new hip.”

“Anyone else have any need for money? I sure don’t. Books? Rare fabrics? Party supplies? Medical supplies for any furry critters? …Whatever the hell it is you might need money for, Rainbow Dash?”

“Now that you mention it…” Rarity began, but a bunch of semi-glares cut her off. “Nothing urgent, I mean.”

I sighed. “Look, ladies, you’ve all been my lifeline these past few years. I’ve gotten my food mostly from you, I’ve gotten any and all my news from you, I’ve gotten my clothes from you, I’ve gotten most of my entertainment from you, and hell, the only reason I’m not still sitting in Africa guarding an ambassador is because I had friends to come back to. I have no need of all this money. I’m going to go take Taya for a short walk, show her around the town some. I don’t want to see many bits when I get back. Shall we, Taya?” I walked at the door, leaving six ponies, three fillies, and a dragon staring at the floor.

I showed her a bit of the town, what little of it there was to show. I was very sure to point out the very distant forest to her. “Taya, look at that line of trees over there.” She did. “Looking at it, what do you see?”

“Trees. Flowers. Weeds.”

“There is more to it than that. I am wary of going into that forest. It takes a lot to get any ponies to go in there, those of them that know what’s inside it. What does that tell you about it?”

“It’s probably dangerous.”

“Yes. Very much so. I will be upset if I find out that you go into that forest without a good reason. I don’t like playing the hero or the punishing parent, or both, so please don’t go in there.”

“I won’t.”

“If you ever, for any reason, do have to go in it, stick to the trails. Most of them are relatively safe. Avoid any flowers you see inside. The blue ones have nasty effects, and I’m not sure about any others. If you see something with the head of a chicken and the body of a snake, don’t look it in the eyes, and if you have to, invoke Fluttershy’s name on anything that attacks. They might leave you alone.”

I pointed out a few more landmarks. “Rarity’s shop. Never much cared for it, myself. Too garish. Doctor’s office. Stop by there if you get hurt and Twilight isn’t around. Fluttershy’s shack is over there, near the forest, for some stupid reason she never could explain. Applejack’s farm is way the hell that way. The school. I don’t know if you’ll need to go there, since you’re learning magic with Twilight, but I suppose we can enroll you if you want. If nothing else, it would give you a chance to socialize. Rainbow Dash’s palace is up there. Made it herself in a few days, I think. Pretty nice place, when you’re not being held captive there. Pinkie Pie’s shop. Or at least, the shop she stays at. They make rather good desserts. If there wasn’t sure to be some manner of food back at the party, I’d stop by and get us something. But I think it’s about time we went back.”

When we did get back, all the lights were off again. “Should we humor them?” I asked Taya.

“If you know a surprise is coming, is it surprising?”

“Surprisingly, yes,” I said, stepping inside.

And of course they all stepped out and shouted surprise and whatnot.

When they were done, I slowly raised my arms a bit, shook them slightly, and monotonously said, “Ahh.”

“I told you they’d be surprised!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, giving the others a look. They rolled their eyes.

I saw about half the money was gone. I didn’t mention it at all.

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to teach Taya how to have fun, Pinkie Pie. She’s gotten too many bad habits from me. No ballroom stuff, mind.”

“What’s wrong with ballroom dancing? You seem to like it.” Twilight said.

“Because it’s not fitting for a young lady at her first fun party,” Rarity said. “Come along, dear. We’ll teach you what Navarone is unable to impart.”

“I wouldn’t mind seeing a ballroom dance, though…” Taya said quietly. I raised an eyebrow.

“I’m a bit… out of step, after three months. I’m sure I can muddle through one, though.”

“It’s okay, Nav. We got this.” Applejack said, motioning to Rainbow Dash. It was an odd contrast, hearing the music Pinkie Pie usually played accompanied by a dance fit to grace a queen’s wedding, but I’ve seen stranger.

I sidled up to Pinkie Pie. “So that’s a bit new,” I commented so that no one else could hear.

“Well, with you gone, we needed somepony to replace you. They both wanted to step in. Their competitive spirits kicked in and the rest is history.”

“I’m honestly surprised to see that they kept up with it. Ah well. You’re in charge of getting Taya to learn how to have fun again. God knows she needs someone to help her there. Just don’t force it. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it.”

“I’ve yet to find anypony that I can’t make crack a smile. Leave it to me, Navi.”

I wandered off to Fluttershy, next. “Well,” I said.

“Yep,” she answered, idly pawing at the ground.

“We’ll talk, as I said. I just wasn’t expecting… this. Give me a few days, then I’ll stop by your house.” It seems an awful lot like she might have a crush on me. I need to nip that in the bud.

“If… If you’re sure.”

“We’ll talk, as I said. What we decide is what we decide.” I patted her side and wandered to Rarity. “Well, what do you think?”

“Their style seems fine, but it looks more like they’re dancing at each other than dancing with each other.”

“They’ve always been competitive. But I meant about Taya.”

“You have your work cut out for you, with her. She’s so small… How old is she?”

“No clue. I don’t even… Chicks think differently from guys, and you’re good at reading people—well, ponies. If you think of anything that might help me with her, even if it is your filthy fashion stuff, let me know.”

“You’d be willing to stoop down to dabbling in fashion? She must mean a lot to you.”

“I try to keep my hands clean. If anyone will be doing any of that nasty fashion for her, it’ll be you. I’d just fuck it up. If you want someone killed, you come to me. If I want to look good, I’ll go to you. People are experts at something for a reason.”

“Just a joke, Nav. No reason to go reminding me what you do for Princess Celestia…”

I shrugged. “Like I said, just come to me if you think of anything.”

I found the trio of terror next. Before I could say anything, Applebloom accused me of sheltering Taya. “Look at her, Nav! She doesn’t have a cutie mark yet! What are you doing to her?”

“Nothing. And that’s the problem.”

“Problem?” Sweetie Belle asked. “If you know it’s a problem, why haven’t you solved it yet?”

“Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I can do it best. I knew of three young fillies who might be able to solve this one better than I could.”

“We already have our cutie marks, Nav. All three of us! And you’re the reason we have them anyway!” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah, we kind of failed as Cutie Mark Crusaders…” Sweetie Belle sighed.

“But you became great friends, and even though your cutie marks have little to do with each other, you’re still together. That’s what Taya needs.”

“Friends? Even more than a cutie mark?” Applebloom asked. “Are you sure?”

“How did you accomplish getting yours?”

“You told us how to do it. We’d’ve caught on eventually, though!” Scootaloo said.

“And how did I know you well enough to tell you what to do?”

“You helped us out a few times, and learned about us,” Sweetie Belle said, catching on.

“And what do you call someone that helps others with no benefit to himself?”

“A philanthropist?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Scootaloo smacked her lightly in the back of the head. “A friend,” Applebloom corrected.

“Oh yeah, that makes more sense,” Sweetie Belle said, rubbing her head. “Didn’t have to hit me, though…” she muttered.

“You’re all a bit older and wiser now. Maybe you can learn enough about her to help her. And if not, well, maybe she’ll make some friends out of it.”

“We may not be the Cutie Mark Crusaders, anymore,” Scootaloo began.

“And we may not have been good at getting our cutie marks,” Sweetie Belle continued.

“But we’ll do our best to be the Cutie Mark Friend Patrol!” Applebloom finished.

“Might want to work on the name,” I suggested. “But thanks. Just don’t try to force her to do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with. And before you ask, I have no idea what her comfort zones might be.”

They nodded and got to plotting amongst themselves. I walked over to Spike.

“Nav.”

“Spike. You want to pull some guard duty for me?”

He looked at the gold with practical hunger in his eyes. I snapped my fingers, remembering something Twilight told me once about dragons and greed. “Remember, Spike: This money is still mine. I might need it on down the line. Consider letting you hoard it for a while my way of apologizing for the meat I lack; I could not find a way to get some back. I couldn’t sneak any through customs.”

“We have a customs office? Why don’t I remember that from my time in Egypt?”

“Because we snuck into Egypt illegally. And all the other times we were with the princess.” I was, of course, lying, but he didn’t have to know that. “This dance has been going on forever,” I commented, turning to look at the pair, only to find they were done and probably had been done since I started talking to Spike. Everyone was staring at me again, naturally. “What? This is Pinkie Pie’s party. Look to her, not me.”

“You’re silly, Nav,” Pinkie Pie said, and then the party commenced in earnest.

Now, while I generally have little interest in such matters, it was amusing to see the others slowly teaching Taya party skills. Party dancing wasn’t too difficult. Pin the tail on the pony was easy, though she had a bad habit of missing. Small talk was awkward, but she did great with Fluttershy. Managing the food was easy enough, as Taya was generally a bit ravenous around that time. It had been a few weeks since I found her, and I figured she had grown out enough to avoid getting sick from over eating, so I had been letting her get as much as she wanted for a little while now. This was her first time getting real pony-made sweets, though. I tried, too late, to limit her on how much of that she could get.

While in reality—or at least, reality as I knew it—sugar rushes are a myth, nobody told the ponies that. If they get too much sugar… Well, there’s a reason Pinkie Pie is always so manic. After Taya hit the refreshment table, party stuff got a lot easier.

And then half an hour later, she crashed. Month and a half traveling, meeting tons of new people, learning minor magic, and then the sugar crash proved to be too much for her. She was down before anyone knew what hit her. I was at her side about a second later.

“Poor girl is out cold,” I said, checking her pulse. “Too much time on too little sleep, I suppose. And too much time sleeping on my back…” I gently picked her up. “I’ll be right back.” I dropped her off in bed and put my crossbow and bolts where she could see them. She knew from our time traveling that if I left them there it meant she was absolutely safe, even if I wasn’t around. That done, I headed back down.

As soon as I walked in, Applejack said, “So… Sleeping on your back?”

I shrugged. “She wasn’t used to sleeping in beds. The first night I found her, I tried letting her sleep in mine while I slept on the floor. Less than an hour into the night, she crawled down, found me in the dark, and lay perpendicular to my back, making sure my wings covered as much of her as possible. After that, it was apparently her preferred sleeping spot.”

“Nav, that’s…” Twilight started.

She was interrupted by Pinkie Pie, who finished with “REALLY CUTE! Now I have a real reason for watching you sleep again!” Everyone looked at her like she was even crazier than usual.

“I’m not even…” I started, but changed my mind. “Never mind. I know it wasn’t the best solution I could come up with, but she seemed fine with it and it wasn’t bothering me much. Celestia knew and didn’t say anything. And there were times on the way back when that was pretty much the only option. Even if I was loaded, there’s still only so much spare room on a merchant vessel.”

“No pony said it was a bad thing,” Rainbow Dash said. “Just...”

“Not what we expected from you,” Rarity finished.

“Yes, I know, I’m a bad person. You don’t have to remind me.”

“You make it so easy to forget, sometimes, is all,” Twilight said, smiling.

“Would it help if I punched a flower?” I asked, with fake hope in my tone.

“Flowers don’t feel pain!” Rainbow Dash said. “You’d need to punch a small animal. Like Opalescence!”

“You won’t be laying a hoof on my cat, Navarone! Don’t even think about it!”

I pretended to have a thoughtful expression on my face, and said, “Don’t worry, Rarity. I don’t have a hoof to lay on her. I might have a hand or two, though…”

“If you touch her, I’ll show you why you don’t mess with unicorns that know all about fashion!”

“Relax. I don’t usually hurt things without a decent enough reason. And if you all get lulled into a false sense of thinking I’m a good person, the next really big evil thing I do will put such a funny expression on your faces I’ll be laughing about it for a while.”

“Always so pragmatic,” Twilight said. “And what thing more evil could you do than fake-assassinating Princess Celestia with my unwitting help?”

Amid the gasps of horror, I showed mock surprise, “You want me to do that again? I think once was enough for her, and you.”

“You. Did. What?” Rarity asked, voice full of horror.

“Celestia wanted to test my skill. I won, with Twilight’s help. Luna wanted a similar challenge that I won without any help.”

“You cheated with both of them and you know it,” Twilight said, smiling slightly.

“No, I cheated with Celestia. I beat Luna’s challenge the night I got to the palace, before she even had the chance to make the wager. I refused to even hear it and she got mad. Before she said another word, I shot a crossbow bolt dead even to her face, less than a foot away from her, into the wall. Not my best plan, but I don’t miss.”

I waited a bit for any manner of response. Other than their horrified expressions, I got none.

“See, I told you those expressions would be worth it!” I giggled.

Spike broke the silence. “So… It was a wager. Is that where you got all these bits?”

“Heavens no. This money was for me to get home with. I was supposed to give it back to Celestia, but Luna refused to take it and she talked Celestia out of taking it as well. So I got stuck with it.”

“So what did you win?” Applejack asked.

“I’ve been told not to discuss that. Ever.” For some reason, Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked a bit guilty when I said that.

“Was it worth angering the two most powerful ponies in the world?” Rarity asked.

“They weren’t mad. Though Celestia was a bit embarrassed that I took her down in front of so many people.”

“You’re going to have to tell the full story now, Nav,” Twilight said, seeing everyone looking at me with even more interest. I sighed and did so, telling them of the reason behind the challenge, how both of them offered the challenge, how I came up with the plan, how I took Celestia down, and how I got Luna three times.

I finished with, “I’m hardly the best assassin in this world—some of my stories from Egypt will prove that, if nothing else—but I am the only one that can say I managed to assassinate both eternal princesses in a training exercise.”

“You found assassins in Egypt?” Applebloom asked, and I sensed I’d have another story to tell now.

The scars had been removed by Luna, but I told them the tale, leaving out the grisly parts and the torture.

“Nasty place, Egypt. If I ever go back, I’m spending most of my time in the naga caves. They might have been trying to make me into their chosen one, but at least I was safe down there.” Which spawned even more questions I had to answer, including showing around the dagger, which raised even more questions that I lied about, since Pinkie Pie still probably didn’t want that one out. And finishing the desert naga tale required telling about Taya, which I did as well. Which reminded me of a question of my own. “I don’t know what Taya’s parents were, but she seemed to respond well to my wings. I know at least one of them had to have been a unicorn, since she was still in the city. Is it possible one parent was a pegasus?”

“It’s possible, yes.” Twilight said. “The kind of pony that is born is seemingly random, semi-dependent on what the parents are. Usually, two pegasi will produce a pegasus, two earth ponies will produce an earth pony, and two unicorns will produce a unicorn. But occasionally they don’t. Any kind of combination is possible. If you start mixing parents, you change the chances a bit. Instead of say, 90% likely to match the parents, you have, say, 45% to match one, 45% to match the other, and 10% to be neither.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said. “Most pegasus mothers will come to the ground to have their foals. If for some reason she can’t get to the ground, an elite cadre of racers are scrounged up from wherever they can be found, just in case. I’ve saved a few newborns, myself.” I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of a newborn earth pony hurtling to the ground, laughing at the rushing wind. I’m a bad person, but it’s just a funny image to me, for some reason.

“I bet those percentages aren’t set,” I mused. “If you drew a Punnett square, you could probably map their genetics out to find out what’s most likely to be born…”

They all looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. “Later. This is still a party. Go, have fun.”

They slowly went back to it. Of course, it was still a party. A party in a library, where I store journal entries. And Rainbow Dash was looking guilty. Three months is a long time. Long enough to sort through things I’ve hidden. When I thought no one was looking, I went poking around. Nothing was missing.

But it was all in the wrong place.

I put everything back and turned around, to see Rainbow Dash staring at me with fear in her eyes. I mouthed, “Later,” and looked away. I surreptitiously pulled another book down and grabbed a flask behind it and took a decent swig. I have some work to do… I have to deal with Fluttershy, I have to make sure Rainbow Dash doesn’t say anything she shouldn’t, I have to make sure Twilight doesn’t say anything she shouldn’t, and I have to help Taya return to some semblance of normality.

Homecoming’s a bitch.

How I dealt with Fluttershy depended on what all Rainbow Dash knew and how she was taking that knowledge. My plan with Fluttershy was to basically show her all the journals, hoping they’d discourage her. Since Rainbow Dash had seemingly decided to go through them all while I was away, I figured I could use her as a baseline for what I should expect if I showed Fluttershy.

And Twilight would be easy enough to deal with. I probably didn’t even have to talk to her, since she heard what I said about telling no one what the agreement was. That, and it should be fairly common sense anyway.

Taya was to be a long running project, so I just had to help her while I was doing everything else, and after I finished everything else.

With all that in mind, I decided to make Rainbow Dash my first active project.

Unfortunately, it had to wait while we all got Taya settled. Until Twilight got her lessons started in earnest, Taya would likely have a lot of free time, and she was still very used to being around me. What I was hoping would happen is that I would be able to pawn her off onto the three little ones, play with them for a while, and then see Rainbow Dash flying somewhere and excuse myself to intercept her.

Of course, life rarely works out the way you plan it. It took Twilight pulling Rainbow Dash out of the air for me to finally be able to catch her, and the only reason Twilight did that is because Rainbow Dash apparently told her everything she read.

We were all three sitting in Twilight’s library, staring at each other. Rainbow Dash was as scared as I ever saw her, which isn’t exactly common. This time, though, she knew she did something wrong and she knew I was fully capable of punishing her and that I would be completely justified in doing so. Twilight might or might not have done something wrong, I didn’t actually know yet. She didn’t look guilty or scared, and given her magical abilities, there was likely little I could have done to her. But some of the secrets in those journals weren’t mine, and Celestia was very capable of punishing her. And punishing me, for letting the secrets slip.

And me? I was disappointed, of course. A little worried, though I figured if nothing had happened yet with it, nothing would. Not really that scared, I suppose. A little hungry, though. I was also cleaning my fingernails with my knife, a habit that scares people for some reason.

“So,” I began, and left it at that, laying my knife across my knees.

“You wouldn’t tell me some of your stories…” Rainbow Dash explained.

“So you decided breaking trust and snooping was a good idea?” I growled, almost instantly angry. She flinched back and looked away. “Well, as I’m sure you found out with the entry of us fighting zombie robot pirates, most of what you found was fake.”

“I knew I didn’t remember that,” she muttered, still not looking at me.

“Yes, and I’m sure Twilight could tell you quickly that there never was such a person called Z that seduced her at the Gala.”

Twilight nodded and said, “Really Nav, your imagination is strange. Why would Princess Celestia ever do that to me?”

“I made a lot of shit up,” I answered with a shrug. “Like, of course I spent Nightmare Night with Luna. I wouldn’t just leave her to sit on a roof.”

“Yes, and Trixie isn’t evil, just stupid,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, and I never got enough support for that awesome Sky Rodeo idea!” Dash said, seeming more animated.

“But what was real in there…” Twilight slowly said, sounding somewhat scared. “Did… did Kat really mistreat you like that?”

“Still have the mental scars to prove it,” I answered with a nod. “And you can ask Spike about the physical scars I had before Celestia healed them.”

“...I did,” she quietly answered. “I just… I didn’t want to believe it.” I shrugged, not seeing anything else to say about that.

“Why’d you let her do that?” Rainbow Dash demanded, hopping from her seat and staring at me.

“I believe my reasoning was explained quite well,” I said, staring her down. “They had Spike. I refused to let him get hurt until I finally broke, giving in to rage. Would you have done different, if the life of a friend had been on the line? Or would your loyalty buckle and tear?”

“There’s nopony more loyal than me!” Rainbow Dash yelled, seeming to slide into a combat ready stance.

“Then surely someone as loyal as you should know loyalty when they see it,” I answered. “That’s why I allowed Kat to treat me as she did, out of loyalty and worry for my friend.”

Rainbow’s body lit up purple and Twilight yanked her back to the couch. “We understand,” Twilight said. “But… why didn’t you tell anypony? We would have helped you recover! You didn’t have to fight this alone, Nav…”

“I’m very self-sufficient,” I answered with a shrug.

“That’s not how friendship works!” Rainbow Dash said, jumping back off the couch, her wings bared.

“Back where I come from, it is,” I shot back.

“How would you know?” Twilight asked, moving to stand next to Rainbow. “You told us you didn’t have any.”

Fuck. “Just because I didn’t have any doesn’t mean I never had any,” I flippantly replied.

“And you never considered that you lost the ones you had because you weren’t there for them?” Twilight asked.

“Some drifted away. Some, I lost interest in. And some just weren’t any good. I think that I know better how things worked back home than you, Twilight. What is healthy for you may not be healthy for me. And talking about my problems ain’t fucking healthy for me. So back off.” Oh God, why am I pushing her away? The only person who seems interested, and I’m telling her to fuck off…

Twilight sighed and nodded. “I don’t like it, but… If you’re sure.”

“I am,” I unwillingly said, trying to force myself to beg for help. I… can’t. Can’t give in to that… Does everyone have this… struggle inside of them?

“I don’t buy it!” Rainbow Dash said.

“That’s his choice, Rainbow,” Twilight said, using magic to pull the blue horse back. “You already violated his privacy enough by reading his diary.”

“Yeah, and look at what we found!” she said, putting up a minute struggling against the magic. “Nav, you need help!”

“I’m done talking about that,” I said, leaning back. “We can keep talking about the journals if you want, but I refuse to discuss this any further.”

Rainbow’s eyes narrowed, but Twilight put some form of muzzle over her mouth. “Nav, why would you use library books to store your entries? Weren’t you worried that somepony might find them?”

“Nope. Who checks out books in this town, Twilight?” I asked.

“Everypony!”

“Wrong. About twenty people have checked out books since I have gotten here. Most of those have come by more than once, but that’s only twenty different individuals. After a year of studying them and what they checked out, as well as looking back in the records, I came to the conclusion that a number of books wouldn’t be missed, because nobody ever looks at them. Books about other races, self-help books, metallurgy books, and several others have never once been cracked open in this library. So I figured I’d make a puzzle of sorts. Each book that I desecrated had a hint to another book, which had a hint to another.”

“Ooooh! That’s what those extra scraps of paper were!” she excitedly said. “When I saw Rainbow Dash looking over a mutilated book, I thought you did it randomly. I didn’t realize there were hints! I checked every single book here.”

“That musta been fun.”

She quickly shook her head. “It was awful. Even with Rainbow Dash’s help, it took days.”

“Well, what did you learn?” I asked.

“Not to trust you alone with my books,” she answered, her eyes narrowing slightly.

Fair enough. “Well, do you have any other questions?” I asked.

Her horn lit up and a scroll appeared next to her. She levitated a quill over and unraveled the scroll, then made a few check marks on it. “Let’s see here… Ah. Rainbow Dash wanted to know more about the moonlight butterfly that tried to kill her.”

I shrugged. “Don’t know a thing. Ask Luna.”

Twilight nodded and checked that off. “What did you tell Celestia about me that she was so surprised about?”

“No comment.”

She marked another thing off. “Did Pinkie and Rarity really… misuse you while you were a pony?”

I looked away, still not certain how to feel about that incident. It was rape. But… was it excusable, given the circumstances?

“I think I know how to read that silence,” Twilight said, making another motion. “When Princess Luna gets released from her seven years, what will you do?”

Ugh. “I… don’t know,” I answered. “I don’t think either of us do…”

“Hm. You really aren’t interested in her?” Twilight asked, looking up from the page.

Here’s hoping she’s not listening in. “I’m not. She is—was—a good friend. But she has moments that scare me. Something about her just seems… off.”

“She’s always seemed fine to me…”

“You didn’t spend as much time with her as I did,” I replied. “Just… next question.”

“What’s your real name?”

“Next question.”

“Can you introduce me to the naga?”

“I… maybe. You, at least. Not Rainbow Dash. Why?”

“Hey, why can’t I go?” Rainbow Dash asked, apparently released of Twilight’s dark sorcery.

“They don’t like fliers, remember?” Twilight answered. “I have some questions about naga history, culture, physiology, diplomacy, and so much else that I would like to ask them.”

“Next time you see Pinkie Pie, ask her if she wants to see her parents. She might as well go with us, so one of us will get something if the naga refuse to see you.” Of course, if I gave her the dagger, I think they pretty much had to see her. Or at least, tradition over east dictated that they did.

“I will.”

“Anything else?”

“Did you realize that Luna tried to give you a love poison?” Twilight asked.

I blinked. “What? Why would she… When?”

“When you got back from Egypt the first time and she invited you to the palace. I believe that the purple bubbling drink she gave you was a love poison. I would really like to see what you did to it, and to study it if possible.”

“That seems… dangerous,” I answered, sharing a look with Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, love poison is easy to wear off,” Twilight said. “Just keep the eyes of the pony affected by it off the pony they’re in love with. There would be little real risk.”

“I’ll think about it, then,” I said. “Any other questions?” Why would Luna give me a love poison when she thought I loved her?

“Your entries included some things about Fluttershy in them…”

“We are going to have a talk soon, her and I. Any advice you can give me on that is welcome.”

“What were you planning to do?” Twilight asked.

“Show her the journal entries so she’ll know exactly what baggage I come with. I didn’t figure the Luna situation out fast enough to avoid hurting her, but hopefully I can avert this easily enough.”

“Avert it?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Why not go with it instead?”

“A few reasons. There’s still the Luna situation to worry about. There’s the fact that I’m a human and she’s a pony, and I am not attracted to ponies. There’s the fact that she’s just an all around better person than I am and I in no way deserve her. There’s a good probability I’ll get called away to do something else for Celestia and that I might not return. And there are two issues from my past trip that you don’t know about and that I either can’t or won’t tell you about. What I’m worried about is how hurt she’ll be, because we all know she’ll never say a word about it, just let it fester.”

“If you know anything about love, Nav, you know none of that will stop what she feels for you,” Rainbow Dash said. I think Twilight might have been a bit out of her element.

“I know, which is what I’m worried about. Would you hold it against me if I knowingly acceded to her love, even though I don’t feel the same way?”

“You won’t have to,” Twilight said. “Just because she won’t stop feeling her love doesn’t mean she’ll act on it. She’s Fluttershy, Nav. If she thinks somepony else might still be in love with you, she’ll never act for fear of hurting them. Or, since it’s Luna, getting hurt herself.”

“If anyone lays a harmful hand on any of you, I will happily help you deal with them, princess or not,” I said. “And anyone that hurts Fluttershy, of all of you, probably deserves most to be hurt.”

“In that, at least, we can agree,” Twilight said. “So what are you going to do with her?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I was hoping I’d think of something while in Egypt. I didn’t.”

“Well, good luck,” Rainbow Dash said. “For what it’s worth, I think you two would be good for each other.”

“Noted. Any other questions?”

“Did Princess Celestia really have you arrested and convicted for treason?”

“Yes. There’s a reason we made Rarity forget about that one.”

“I don’t know why Rarity got so mad about it. I think it’s hilarious!” Rainbow Dash said. “I would have loved to have seen the look on Rarity’s face…”

“It was quite humorous, yes.”

“I think it was wildly irresponsible. I can’t imagine Princess Celestia doing something like that!”

“Didn’t she bring a dying bird into the presence of a master animal caretaker once? Do you really have to ask why she did it?”

“…You’re a terrible person, Nav.”

“Yeah, I know. Anything else?”

“Why did you talk the naga couple out of love?”

“I didn’t. I told them what love is, and reinforced that with Pinkie Pie’s parents’ advice. They decided they didn’t feel love, or that their love wasn’t worth what they were giving up, which also isn’t love. I just saved them a lot of pain.”

“Would you have been willing to leave Taya at Celestia’s orphanage?”

I’ll go ahead and say that Taya wasn’t there at the time. She was with the three girls, awkwardly trying to deal with them.

“That was my plan from the start, and it was my plan up until Celestia told me she wouldn’t let me. Taya is with us in Ponyville because Celestia gave her to you as a student. Otherwise, she would have been left in Canterlot.”

“Why would you leave her?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Anypony can see she loves you, and the way you held her at the party shows that you feel the same.”

“Because I’d be a shitty parent, and I figured it was in Taya’s best interest to be adopted by ponies, rather than kept by me.”

“But Celestia changed your mind?” Twilight asked

“No, she just didn’t give me a choice. Any other questions?” I asked.

“None right now. Rainbow Dash?”

“None from me,” Rainbow Dash answered.

“Good. What happens now?”

“I really, really wish I could talk to Princess Celestia about some of this…” Twilight said. “But I don’t know how she would react to me knowing about Luna or her own more irresponsible acts.”

“I can’t help you there. You’ve known her longer than I have. I wouldn’t mention any of this to her, but that’s just me.”

“But you’re a self-admitted coward who detests hurting ponies and yet has no problems with killing them,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, and? I get the damn job done.”

“You do…”

“If we’re done here, you can go find Pinkie Pie and ask her about her parents. If she’s alone, tell her what you know about the naga, and tell her how so she won’t get mad at me.”

“I can’t imagine Pinkie Pie mad about anything,” Rainbow Dash said. “Crazy, yes. Manic, maybe. Angry? Not possible.”

“Disappointed, then. Either way, I don’t want to deal with it.”

“What’ll you be doing?” Twilight asked.

“Gathering my journal entries up until talking with Celestia that day I found you and her together in the sitting room, and then finding Fluttershy. I’ll give her those and give her a few days to read through them. While she’s doing that, we can go talk to the naga.”

“Are you sure you want to move Taya around so soon? It’s only been a few days since she got here.”

“It takes us a few hours to get to the farm. It’ll probably take you around a day to deal with the naga, and then it’ll take us a few hours to get back. We should be gone less than three days, unless something goes horribly wrong.”

“And what are the chances of something going horribly wrong?” Twilight asked.

“Since me and Pinkie Pie both are likely to be involved, pretty damn high.”

“Do I get to do anything?” Rainbow Dash asked, feeling a bit neglected.

“You can answer questions for Fluttershy, if you want. She might have a few she thinks about while reading. Or you can make comments on the journal entries designed to make me look bad.”

“You really are a bad person, Nav,” she answered.

“Yeah. Yeah… It’s fun.”

“Didn’t you ask Princess Celestia to do that with Princess Luna?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I don’t think she is, for reasons I’m not at liberty to discuss.” They’re obviously both lonely. I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia wanted me to take Luna up on her love, and to live forever with them both, keeping them company.

“And what makes you think I will?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Loyalty? To both me and Fluttershy. You know I would be bad for her. Will you?”

“…Yes. I owe you that much. But I think it’s stupid!”

“Thank you, then. I suppose we have things to do.” Rainbow Dash headed out to do whatever. Twilight went to find Pinkie Pie, and then presumably Taya. I went to grab the newer entries and put them in with the older, and put them all in a reasonable order. It took me a while to decide whether or not I should include the entries about Kat. In the end, I decided to do so. After all, it would just go further to show her that I wasn’t worth it.

Then I set out to start what I was thinking might be a very awkward conversation.

I found Fluttershy talking to a group of mice that live in her home, while singing birds flew around with her hair, weaving it. She really was a beautiful animal, if nothing else…

“Oh, Navarone! I wasn’t expecting you so… soon,” she said, eyeing the journals in my hand. “What are those for? I thought we were going to talk…”

“These are my journals. Just about everything I’ve done since I got here, I have written down. There is much about me you do not know, and you will probably change your mind about getting involved with me when you find out about them. I figured it would be easier to just give you everything straight up and let you read through it. If, that is, I can trust you not to tell anyone some of the things you read in there.”

“What have you been up to that you’re not allowed to tell anypony?” she asked, jokingly.

“I guess you’ll find out when you start reading. Assuming, of course, you promise not to tell anyone.”

“...Okay? But it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been raped by four people.” Her eyes jerked wide open and the birds that were playing with her hair stopped. “I’ve killed dozens.” Her mouth dropped and the birds flew off. “And I’ve caught the eye of a princess. As I’m sure you’ll soon find, I’m a terrible person.”

She was silent for a while. “W-w-what?” she finally stuttered

“Because it isn’t fair for you to get involved with me. After today, I’m going on a short trip to talk to the naga again, and Twilight is going with me. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both read through the entries while I was gone, against my wishes. Rainbow Dash will be here to answer any questions you have about the entries. I was talking to her and Twilight about them earlier.”

“Nav…”

“It’s not all dark. Those are some of the lower points. But some… There are some parts that will horrify you. And that’s why you need to read. All humans have the ability to turn off both empathy and sympathy. Some do it automatically and some do it manually. So consider that your warning. But Twilight and Rainbow Dash made it through everything up to the second Egypt campaign. And I’ll be here for you for anything you read today, and Rainbow Dash will be with you for anything you want her to be while I’m gone. Just don’t read anything at all about the second trip to Africa while you’re alone. As soon as you get to it, stop, and find Rainbow Dash. If I’m back by then, find Rainbow Dash or Twilight. You won’t want me to be around for it.”

“What… what did you do?”

“Read, and you’ll find out. But it’s bad. Justified, perhaps, but bad. And, as I said, tell no one. There are some things in there that I shouldn’t let anyone read. But I will.”

“I…” She sighed and looked down.

“You have any questions?” She shook her head. I gave her the pages. “Good luck. If you have any questions while I’m here, feel free to ask.”

She started reading. I got bored within a minute and started looking around her house. I had been in it before, but not for long periods of time with nothing to do. It was very homey, if you like animals. Bird houses, open cages, a few damaged nests, all manner of small medical supplies. I periodically answered questions. Eventually I started trying to juggle again.

A few hours after she started reading, Twilight and Taya came by. Fluttershy put down the entry she was reading, and welcomed them in a somewhat distraught voice. It was obvious that she was just faking any kind of happiness.

“Hello, Fluttershy.” Twilight said. “We were actually looking for Nav.”

“You… you found him,” Fluttershy managed. I really hope I’m doing the right thing.

“What did Pinkie Pie say?” I asked.

“She wouldn’t mind seeing her parents again. And she’s also a bit upset that we know.”

“She’ll get over it,” I said. “Taya, we’re going on another short trip. Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and possibly Spike will be coming with us, it seems.”

“Okay,” Taya answered.

That’s not a safe answer when it comes to women. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Fluttershy or Rarity might be able to watch you, if you want to stay behind. We’re only going to be gone for two or three days, unless something goes terribly wrong.”

“I’ll go,” she said.

I shrugged. “Can’t say I didn’t give you the choice. Fluttershy, you want to keep reading?”

“I… I think I’m done for the day.” It was only around three or so.

“Your call. I’m heading on home, then. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” The three of us left.

“Sorry for what?” Taya asked, after we were a little ways away.

“I’m letting her read my journals,” I answered.

“Oh…”

“So how are you getting along with the others?” I asked her.

“I think I do better at reading and magic than I do friends,” she answered.

“Understandable. But friends are good to have. Twilight and I both felt a hell of a lot better after we got some.”

“I know. But that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“What’s wrong with the three of them, anyway? I admit, they can at times be annoying, but they’re still somewhat entertaining to be around.”

“They’re really immature and very impulsive.”

“They’re still young,” Twilight said. “And so are you.”

“Age has nothing to do with maturity, Twilight,” I answered. “I understand, Taya. But life isn’t just seriousness and formality. You’re not in Egypt anymore. I know you’re poisoned by my paranoia, but no pony will ever harm you.” Well, it’s very unlikely, anyway. “You don’t have to worry overly much about maturity, here. You can talk to Pinkie Pie all day and never once see any sign of maturity in her. But when it’s needed, it pulls through. Same for the three little fillies.”

“If no pony will ever harm us, why do you carry weapons everywhere?” Taya asked.

“If I stop wearing weapons around town, will you give the others a chance?” Wearing them openly, at least. I’d still hide a few blades around me, just in case.

“That isn’t at all the argument I was trying to make,” she answered.

“I know what you were trying to do. My question stands.”

“Can I call you dad?”

Ice water in my veins. Burning horror in my mind. Electrifying shock throughout my body. I almost tripped over my own feet as we walked, and just barely caught myself.

I tried covering it with a cough, but I know at least Twilight realized what happened.

My mind almost broke, for a second. Twilight managed to pull me back. “Navarone? Are you okay?”

I quickly pulled out a lie. “I’m okay. Sorry… When you said that… It brought back memories, from… home. Yes, Taya… daughter. You… you can call me dad, if you desire.”

“Then I’ll do it, daddy.” If she knew how much it cut me to my soul to hear that… I felt like crying from the pain.

Instead, I nodded, and tried to control the twitching in my wings.

We walked in silence the rest of the way back, Taya bumping against my leg with nearly every step we made.

That night, after I put Taya to bed, I went to talk to Twilight.

“I was wondering when you would come talk. What happened today, with Taya?”

I told Twilight basically the same thing I told Luna, about my fears as a parent.

I finished with this, “And when she asked me that… I don’t know, Twilight. I’m not parent material. I’m going to screw up, and Taya will be mad at me for it. And when that happens, I’m going to hurt.”

“Everypony makes mistakes, Navarone. It’s a part of life. And yes, she will be mad at you for a little while. But she loves you. She’ll forget her anger and she’ll forgive you. You’ll just have to be able to forgive yourself.”

“That’s the problem. I can’t. I can’t forget the mistakes I’ve made, and I can’t forgive myself for them. I know they could have been avoided…”

“But they weren’t. The past is past, and there’s nothing you can do about that. You need to learn to let things go.”

“Logically, I know that. I’ve told myself that all my life. But I can’t live it.”

We were silent together for a little while.

Finally, she asked, “Are you going to keep your promise?”

“Which one?”

“To stop wearing weapons?”

In response, I reached up my left sleeve and pulled a throwing knife out.

“If she finds out, she might be mad,” Twilight warned.

“If she finds out, it’ll be because I was justified in carrying them, and I think by that point she’ll be willing to forgive my paranoia.”

“Are you sure it’s worth the risk?”

“I was almost killed by assassins because I barely had any weapons on me. I know you saw the scar, because Luna didn’t remove it until the night of the Gala. I am not going anywhere without at least some small way to defend myself. If she finds out, I’ll just tell her I use them to eat.”

“You and I both know she won’t buy it. She’s too smart for that. Which raises a few other issues. One, do you want to put her in school? We don’t have to, since she’s learning magic with me, but we can. And two, she’s really mature for her age. Do we dare put her in school? There’s no telling what the other students might do or say to her, and how she’ll respond.”

“I was going to give her the choice. I’ll tell her it’ll probably slow down her study of magic, but that it would speed up her learning of everything else, including social skills. What I’m worried about are bullies. I can deal with adults belittling her: A fist in the face works wonders. But I can’t beat up children.”

“Just tell Taya to tell the teacher. I don’t think she’ll be caring about social ranking or anything like that. Most foals don’t do things like that anyway.”

“Good enough for me. I’ll ask when we get back from the naga, since there’s no way to enroll her while we’re there anyway.”

“Are you feeling any better? About being a parent, I mean.”

“I’ll probably flinch a bit every time she calls me daddy for a while. It’s just not something I felt like I would ever hear.” And something I never wanted to hear.

“I can’t imagine anypony ever calling me mommy. I don’t think I have your aversion to it, though.”

“At least if you ever feel overwhelmed, you can go to your parents for advice. I have to go to friends who’ve never had a child.”

“That isn’t entirely true. You could talk to Rarity or Applejack. They help take care of their little sisters. Or you could go to Princess Celestia. She knows just about everything.”

Everything but what it’s like to hold your own child in your arms… “I don’t think it would be a good idea to ask Celestia. I’ll remember Applejack and Rarity, though. And if all else fails, I can just ask Pinkie Pie’s parents. They like me well enough.”

“That’s a long way to go to get some advice, Nav.”

“If I need advice badly enough to have to go ask them, I think I’ll need to go away for a few days. Besides, if it means I won’t screw up any more, it’s worth it.”

“You’ll do fine.”

“God I hope so…”

Chapter Twenty-Nine—I just can’t hold all these snake people!

Chapter Twenty-Nine—I just can’t hold all these snake people!

The next day, the five of us boarded the train to a rock farm in the middle of nowhere. Spike did decide to go. His decision probably had something to do with naga eating meat. Or the room full of sapphires he overheard us talking about.

It had been less than a week since we got back from the last trip, and it felt wrong to be leaving home again so soon, even if it was for such a short while.

The train ride wasn’t that long, thankfully, just a few hours. Since it was such short notice, Pinkie Pie’s parents didn’t know we were on the way, and didn’t meet us at the station. We slowly made our way to their house, with Spike commenting on how depressing the landscape became as we got closer. I’ve mentioned the same thing before: Pinkie Pie’s parents live in the middle of the most depressing area I have ever been in.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that, Pinkie Pie. What the hell is up with this place? All of Egypt that I saw was livelier than this place. At least there you could see the sun!” I said.

“I don’t know…” she said. “I’ve wondered that myself.”

“Twilight, do you have any insights?”

“Yes, actually, I have a guess. You see, this is Equestria, land owned and made pleasant by association with Celestia. However, there is a large concentration of naga living under the land here. I think their innate violence seeps into the land, into the air, and crushes this place in a miasma of depression.”

“Twilight, that’s retarded,” I said.

“It’s the leading scientific theory. There’s a place near Ponyville where dog people live underground. It is very desolate as well.”

“So you’re saying that this place is basically sanctified by Celestia, and the naga are a corrupting influence. And since Egypt isn’t owned by Celestia or her ponies, it can’t be corrupted because it was never pure.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I’m going to go with that being retarded. My vote is because this place is the fucking dust bowl.”

“Dust bowl?” Spike asked. “What’s that?”

“In my world, there was a long time when a large portion of the center of this continent was completely barren. The entire place was flat, and large portions of it were furrowed and had open dirt due to crops. Well, the land was never very wet to begin with, and with people pumping so many crops out of the land to support a massive war effort, the land became overtaxed. Most of the moisture vanished from the soil, and then from the entire area. And since it was so flat, there was a shitload of wind. All the open soil that was now too dry to stick together started getting whipped into dust storms by the wind. And the place was surrounded on all sides by mountains. So you had a lot of farms in the 1920’s and onward unable to grow much more than subsistence crops while at the same time being pelted by massive dust storms. The result of that gave the sky an almost permanent overcast look from all the dust in the atmosphere, even though it almost never rained because there was no fucking water and it was the middle of a continent surrounded by mountains.”

“So your theory is that something from your world is affecting ours?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“No, my theory is that what happened to my world is happening or did happen to your world, without the massive war part. Basically, good luck with that, and I’m glad I don’t live here.”

“I’ll… have to ask the princess about that,” Twilight said. “We don’t want to let something like that happen here.”

“I’ll say. That shit happened to us at one of the worst times in recorded history. We were between the two largest wars our world ever remembered, with millions dying in each, and the economy completely crashed in the time between them. So there was a general food shortage, a lack of jobs, one war fading into memory, and another war looming on the horizon.”

“You told us a little about your world, but not much. If you ever think of any mistakes your people made that we might avoid, let me know,” Twilight said.

“Later. We’re coming up on their house now.”

“Pinkie Pie, you lived there as a child?” Spike asked incredulously. Their house fit in with the landscape very well.

“Yeah… There’s a reason I left.”

“And a reason I didn’t take the job I was offered here,” I added.

We got to the house. Upon knocking, we learned only Sue was home. The rest were out in the fields.

“Pinkie Pie, you and Taya can go look for them if you want. I’ll take Twilight and Spike to the well.”

“Why can’t I go with you to the naga?” Taya asked.

“Because they might not let Twilight in even if I ask. They certainly won’t let a little filly in, daughter of mine or not.”

“Daughter?” Sue asked, surprised.

“Adopted,” I answered. “We probably won’t be long,” I told Taya. “Besides, you’ll get to meet a naga up here anyway, assuming that fellow still works here.”

“He does,” Sue answered. “The lifestyle doesn’t suit him, but he has nowhere else to go…”

“He could be a guard. Or he could go across the ocean and become a mercenary.”

“We do need his help, though,” she said. “And he likes being around others of his own kind, even if they have very little interaction.”

“Fair. Let’s go on to the well.”

I led them to it. “Twilight, I sure as hell can’t get you down there. I don’t even think you can fit down there. I’ll go down and ask if you can come in, and then take you to the cave entrance if they say yes.”

“Okay. We’ll be waiting.” I pulled the bucket string four times and jumped head first down the well.

I let myself fall about halfway into the cavern before opening my wings and gliding to the side. Halfway, because I could hardly see the water anymore with most of the lights out again.

I glided to the edge with the most light and waited there for someone to come up. When someone finally did, I saw that it was the warlord fellow I dealt with the other two times I had been down here. His eyes lit up a bit when he saw me.

“Human, you return to us once again! Are you for hire right now, by chance?”

“I’m in the middle of a job, actually,” I said. “I’ve been sent to ask you a question.”

“Ask, then.”

“Would you mind if a scholar sent by the ponies, and her assistant, came into your caves to study your people and ask questions of you?”

His face darkened a bit. “You know how we feel about ponies, Navarone.”

“This is not a pegasus or an earth pony. This is a unicorn, a very powerful one. Your ceiling is growing dim again. She could probably light it up again in a quarter of an hour.”

His face grew contemplative and he thought for a few seconds. “If she can do that, she can study our caves and ask me what questions she wills. I’ll ask for volunteers among my clan, see if any might be willing to answer a few questions or be… studied,” he finished with mild distaste. “I assume she’ll be coming in from the front entrance?”

“Yes. If you could send word, and perhaps leave us a guide, that would be wonderful.”

“Very well. While she is lighting our ceiling, you and I can talk on other matters.”

“If you desire. Oh, and one more thing. Her assistant is a small dragon. A very small one. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“As long as it doesn’t eat our history room, no. I hope your scholar doesn’t expect to be fed. The dragon, though, we might be able to give something.”

“Thank you, friend.” With that, I took off, clawing my way out of the depths.

When I got to the top, huffing slightly—it’s a hard fucking climb—Twilight asked, “Well?”

“You can go in, but you’ll have to do some magic for them. Their ceiling is lit by torches, and it’s growing dark again. Just light it up again, and they’ll answer your questions.”

“Sounds simple enough. It only took you a few hours to do it by hand.”

“Showoff. Let’s get this walk over with. It’s hardly a short one…”

We passed the other group on the way to the caves. I greeted the farmer, introduced Twilight and Spike, and explained what we were doing.

Twilight was staring at the scout-turned-farmer naga. I realized it was probably the first time she had seen a naga, and that I never gave any real manner of description of the naga in my journals. Other than that they were fish/snake people.

Pinkie’s dad nodded and sent us on our way. I figured if I turned I would see Taya watching us walk away. I didn’t look, though I knew I probably should have.

It took us about half an hour to get to the cavern entrance. There was a slightly familiar looking naga waiting there for us. His eyes flicked from Twilight’s horn to Spike to Twilight’s body to me. “So, Navarone, you’re the guest I was told to expect. Now I know why I was sent instead of a hatchling.”

Oh, it’s that dude I saved. “I don’t think many naga would appreciate letting a pony into their main cavern. Since I know you’re wondering, no, they didn’t learn of your home from me, at least not directly. My after-action reports were stolen, and found their way to her. She hired me to plan an expedition of sorts. Here we are.”

“I wasn’t blaming you, Navarone. You saved my life, and for that, I owe you much.”

“If you say so. I wouldn’t have minded having a few of your kin by my side recently, in my latest escapades in Egypt. I was almost killed by assassins. Though I did run into a naga cavern there. They thought I was their chosen one or some crap.”

He snorted at that. “We knew from the instant we saw you that you weren’t the chosen one. Were they blind? You don’t have the face of a cat.”

“Chosen one?” Twilight asked.

“It isn’t a tale told to outsiders, no matter what we owe them,” he said.

“Yeah. They didn’t even tell me, just asked me a few questions and asked me to take a flight around their cavern.”

“I’m surprised they let you do that much,” the naga said. “The only reason they let you in at all is because you bear the steel of a wanderer atoning for his past mistakes.”

“What?” Twilight asked.

“Is that what having a naga weapon symbolizes? The cat that hired me to talk with the naga there said I could come inside while I bore this dagger, but he didn’t know why.”

“In our culture, there are several punishments that can be given. The worst punishment is exile. They are stripped of rank and their weapons and are cast out of naga society. They can prove their worth by killing a naga with a real weapon and taking up the weapons of the one they killed, but they will never be welcome in the original cave again. The second worst is death. The third is being cast out to atone of their sins. They are allowed to keep their weapons, so they are welcomed in any hold, but everyone in the hold they come from will know what they did and why they were cast out. The shame sends all of these away. Since they have their weapons, they are welcome in other holds, where their past will never be questioned. However, others in that hold will know they did something worth being sent out for. After a certain amount of time, they are welcome back in the original hold, with everything forgiven. If they survive long enough, and return home, they are welcomed back as though nothing transpired. They can be killed by an exile, and have their weapons taken, but the exile will never be welcome in the original hold, and will always have the shame of being forced to move in his heart.”

“Interesting… So yours is an honor based society… Spike, take note…” She droned on about something or another. It was pretty boring.

We were making pretty good time into the caves, at least, and the conversation proved interesting.

“So why was I given this dagger?” I asked.

“You came to the naga in our time of need, despite having no personal reason to,” he answered. “That makes you a friend of the naga. The weapon you hold symbolizes to all naga that you are worthy of being in our holds.”

“And if I killed a naga and took his blade, I would be worthy by virtue of proving myself in combat?”

“Right.”

“But what if someone who didn’t know the significance of the weapon sold it, and someone else bought it that did?”

“Well, the naga would probably never know the difference. And I don’t think many know about the significance of a naga blade in the hands of an outsider anyway. It is not often that we give them out, and it is not often that atoners are killed. Naga blades are supposedly rare on the surface. The weapons we gave you were the only ones we gave out in my lifetime.”

Twilight used her magic to pull the dagger out of its sheath, and pulled it to where she and Spike could see it. The naga looked on wide-eyed at the use of magic. The gentle glow from her horn lit up a bit of the tunnel around us, letting me notice a small decline I would have stumbled in.

“We’re getting near the burial chamber, aren’t we?” I asked. Twilight looked up at that.

“Pretty close, yes. You know, human, if you ask, you might be allowed to be buried there. What you did was sufficiently heroic, I believe.”

“I think I’d prefer to have something of me carved into the sapphire room than be buried in a crypt,” I said. “When I die, I want to be cremated.”

“Cremated? You mean… burned?” he asked, horrified.

“Yes. My people view death more pragmatically than yours, I take it.”

So we had a long discussion on death, punctuated by the stop at the burial chamber. Spike was writing furiously. I don’t feel like recounting the discussion here because frankly, it was morbid and I don’t feel like it.

Twilight thought the chamber was incredibly interesting, and probably would have spent hours there if we hadn’t pulled her out after a few minute’s break. “You’ll have time to look at it later, Twilight. You’re still on borrowed time until you fix their ceiling.”

“Yeah, what’s so great about coffins anyway?” Spike asked. “I’d rather visit the sapphire room!” He started salivating a bit at that.

“Dragon, you are a guest here. But if you eat any of the rocks in that room, I will throw you out personally, and I don’t think I’ll have to convince Navarone to do it.”

“If you touch any of the rocks, I’ll tie you to Twilight’s back,” I said. “And you know how annoyed that would make her.”

“You are a strange mercenary, Navarone,” the naga said.

“Yes, I am. But I’ve pulled jobs with these two in the past.” He just shrugged. After a second I said, “Spike, I’ll have you know I’ve been glared at by both princesses for better reasons than threatening them. You’ll have to step up your game if you want to faze me.” He jumped, since I hadn’t even looked at him since I threatened him. I knew he was glaring, though.

He muttered some mean things that I pretended not to hear and went back to taking notes.

“You’ve met both the princesses? And survived their anger?” the naga asked with wonder.

“I’ve done multiple jobs for Celestia, and I’m good friends with Luna.”

“Incredible. Those two are the only ponies our clan would take jobs from, but I don’t even think they know we exist.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that,” I said. “They know quite a bit about their lands.”

“So you’re saying they read your after-action reports as well?”

“The job I did for your people is what convinced them to hire me for the Africa job. But it isn’t often that they need someone willing and able to do violence.”

“When you see our leader again, tell him about your dealings with her. He might ask you to offer her our services.”

“I will do so,” I said. Even though he already knows I’ve done jobs for her.

We had crossed through several large caverns, each one of which Twilight sent probes of light through, to illuminate them. We found nothing worth noting, though I did get smacked in the face by a bat, which Spike, at least, thought was funny.

“Seriously,” I was saying, “why would the bat fly right at me? I wasn’t even close to the exit!” I noticed Spike and Twilight had stopped. Probably because we entered the sapphire room.

“I could spend all of my life in here and still have more to study…” Twilight whispered, her head slowly swiveling around as she studied the place.

“I could spend a few hundred years of my life in here and never run out of food…” Spike whispered, a bit irreverently, or at least that’s what I thought.

“You don’t have all your life. Play tourist for a spell and let’s go. And if I catch you even touching any of these rocks, Spike, you’re going on Twilight. I don’t need to ruin the only good reputation I have in this world…” That last was muttered so only the naga that was still standing by my side could hear. He didn’t comment, just watched Spike with careful eyes.

“How long have your people been in these caves?” Twilight asked.

“I do not know,” he answered. “There are records here going back thousands of years, as far as we can tell. This entire cave system used to be full of water, and contained a massive naga city. But then for some reason, the water started disappearing. We do not question life’s turnings, and many of our people left, taking with them much history.”

“By the way, what’s your name?” Twilight asked. “Navarone’s… report… didn’t mention it, and you never said.”

“Names are not for outsiders. Any of them. I might be willing to tell Navarone, though it would be a massive faux pas, but I would have to ask him to tell no one and to not include it in anything he writes.”

Twilight looked at me hopefully, but I shook my head. “No. I’ll not ask you to go against the will of your people,” I told him. He nodded his thanks, while Twilight shook her head.

We left the sapphire room, leaving nothing out of place, and continued on to the main chamber.

I was talking to the guard about a way of mapping the cave system using colored rope when we entered the main chamber.

“I know you don’t get many visitors, but I think it might be worth it so you don’t have to worry about any kids getting lost.”

“Our hatchlings do not often wander far from the main chamber. I don’t know of any ever getting lost. And on the off chance any enemy ever attacks our home again, I do not want to give them a way of getting straight to the main hold.”

“Fair, I suppo—Oh, we’re here.”

Twilight and Spike stopped again, looking up and out and around. “When your report said it was big… I never expected this!”

“Our guide just said this place used to be a city, Twilight. What do you think he meant by that? This place would swallow Ponyville and not notice,” I commented.

“Shame it’s just plain rocks,” Spike said, kicking a pebble. “I wouldn’t mind another gem room that no one cared about getting eaten.”

“If it makes you feel any better, the naga eat meat. And I think their leader mentioned something about feeding you, if you wanted anything.” He seemed a bit happier about that, but Twilight ahemmed.

“I think we’ll be too busy taking notes, Spike,” she said with a glare in my direction. I shrugged.

“You have to light the ceiling, first, scholar,” the big warlord said, rising from the dark water. “If Navarone’s brags for you weren’t in jest, that is.”

Twilight and Spike both jumped at his sudden arrival, and stood gawping at him. I feel I should mention that while most male naga stood over a head taller than me and were broad enough in body to make me and a half, this naga stood a head taller than most of them and broad enough to make two of me. He was big and bristling with weapons.

Twilight got over her surprise and asked, “How do you make weapons that don’t rust?”

“Magic first, questions later,” he answered. She sighed. “The stack of torches is over—”

He didn’t even finish before Twilight started. I should mention that I’ve seen her pick orchards of apples—full orchards, shitloads of apples, with every tree picked bare—in seconds. Had them loaded into hundreds of buckets in minutes.

She finished this job in ten minutes. The naga warlord stood, transfixed. I saw heads poking out of the water, staring in wonder. The naga guard was openly gaping.

“So, how do you make weapons that don’t rust?” she asked when the last torch was locked in place.

An hour or so later, the warlord and I were standing off to the side of a crowd of naga, with Twilight and Spike in the center. “When you commented on how fast she could do that, human, I thought you were overstating. That was… incredible. And Princess Celestia is stronger?”

“Princess Celestia wouldn’t have needed torches. She would have put a fucking mini-sun in this place and it would never run out.” I don’t think I was joking.

His eyes widened, either way. “My people always wondered why the ponies ruled most of the world. Now I suppose we know why…”

“There is a reason I work with them rather than against them. You said you had things you wanted to discuss, though?”

“I was going to ask about your latest adventures. I know your work with the ponies sends you in strange lands.”

“Yeah. I ended up back in Egypt. I met a group of naga there, living under a massive statue. Face of a cat, body of a human—what I am—and wings.”

“Body of a human and wings? Are your wings not natural?” he interrupted.

“They’re a result of a magical fluke. Hell, I was almost stuck as a pegasus because of that fluke…”

“You have lived an interesting life. Tell me of these naga.”

“They didn’t have any ceiling torches, for one. They were apparently looking for some manner of chosen one, and they thought I might have some information on whoever it is, because of what I am. I disabused them of that notion.”

“If you ever do get news of the chosen one, tell the first naga you can find. I hope that will be our clan, but it is imperative he is found.”

“I will do so,” I said. “Though I doubt I’ll be alive long enough to find whoever it is.”

“You never know. Any other stories?” I told him the whole tale while Twilight was doing her thing. “So you have a daughter now,” he said when I finished. “And a pony, at that. How are you liking being a father?”

I flinched when he called her my daughter. “I never wanted kids. I always figured I would be a terrible father. And then Taya came along… I feel like this is the easy version of parenthood, though. I didn’t have to put up with her while she was a baby, and even now when she’s young and should be making tons of mistakes and generally being a bitch, she’s silent and does very little wrong for fear of being punished extremely hard or abandoned again.”

“No, yours is not the easy version of parenthood. You just have the complete opposite extreme of it. There is the rebel hatchling, the one that says yes when you say no just to spite you. And there’s the normal hatchling, who will occasionally mess up and will occasionally do well, but you never want to smack because they always try to do the right thing. And then there are those like your Taya, who are so afraid of being chastised they’ll do just about anything anyone tells them, and will pretend to want to do it just so they don’t get viewed as recalcitrant. That is a bad way to live, and something you need to try to get her out of.”

“I know. Do you have any advice?”

“No. All of my children were the rebels that I wanted to beat bloody. I didn’t, though—it hurts us enough to hit them, even if they think we lie when we say it hurts us worse than them.”

“I used to think they lied, too. Now, though, I couldn’t imagine hurting Taya. I remember a story my dad used to tell… One day he fucked up big time. His dad was away somewhere, and his mom went to beat him with something. She said, ‘This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!’ When she went to hit him, she missed somehow, and popped a blood vessel in her hand. She started crying and my dad started laughing, saying, ‘Looks like it did hurt you more!’ When his dad got home, he got his ass tore out the frame.”

He smiled at that. “Yes, I can imagine that looked like justice from the eyes of a child. Still, sometimes pain is a good teaching tool. Other times, it isn’t. How to tell when, though, can’t be taught. Still, I don’t think you’ll need to worry about hitting Taya. I can’t imagine a pony child ever doing anything worth getting hit over.”

“Nor I, come to think of it. Though I have been tempted to hit a few fillies that aren’t mine…”

“The hatchlings of others always irritate more than our own,” he said.

“Well, these three were asking if they could perform impromptu surgery on me when nothing was wrong.”

“That seems… irresponsible.”

“They don’t understand what pain is. They’ve never been hurt, not more than a few bruises. And ponies have an almost comic resistance to abuse and taking damage. I’ve seen a pegasus fly through a window at speeds faster than ponies can run and then slam into the wall. She got up a few seconds later dazed but completely fine. I’ve heard a story—I was there, but I barely remember it—of that same pony ramming head first into Princess Luna, going at a very fast speed. They both woke up a few hours later completely unharmed. But then, I also slit the neck of a pony with no problem.” Poor, poor Calix...

“Strange creatures. We might have to have more dealings with them…”

“The ponies here have little need of mercenaries, as I mentioned the first time I met you. Princess Celestia might be able to use you, but I’m pretty sure you would be moved very far away. The lands all around here are pretty well pacified. You might pull exterminator duty, killing a few pests left in pony lands. I’ve heard tales of ponies being kidnapped by dog people. The only one I’ve met that was kidnapped made light of the situation. She was released by being so annoying that they begged her to leave.”

“A dog person being annoyed that much? She must have been beyond unbearable. All the dogs I’ve met were terrible to be around. They got on my nerves just from their mannerisms.”

“Yeah, she can be hard to get along with. Anyway, it might not hurt to send an emissary to the princess. If you want, you can send one with us when we go back where we came from. We’re near enough to Canterlot that getting the rest of the way shouldn’t be a problem, alone.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “I will definitely think on that.”

We talked of inconsequential matters for some time, before I looked around the well entrance and judged it was either night or nearing it. I went to go talk to Twilight. Her attention was being distracted by a flexing naga.

“Twilight, it’s either night or close to it. I’m not leaving Taya alone at night in a strange place.”

“What? Oh, yes, of course not. I think Spike is getting tired as well. You can head on back out. I’ll ask the naga leader if Spike and I can stay here for the night, since it’s such a long trek to and from the caverns. We’ll either stay here or be back sometime late tonight.”

I waved and took off to get back to the surface. Thankfully, there wasn’t any manner of party waiting for me. There was a very happy Taya, though, and a family full of ponies that wanted stories. I doled out a few and held the others hostage for the price of a bed and maybe some food, though I don’t think holding back the story is really what got me those.

Pinkie Pie’s sisters were warming up to me quickly, now that I wasn’t ruining any love stories in the making for them. Warming up to me disturbingly so…

“Oh, come on Nav! You can’t just stop the story there! Surely there’s… something I can do for you to make you keep going,” one of them said when I stopped to go to bed. Emphasis on I, with a bit of a glare to her sisters. The parents didn’t notice her wording, or her meaning, but Pinkie Pie and the other sister did.

The other one spoke up, “I can think of a few things I can do to get you to keep going. I’m used to late nights; it wouldn’t be so bad…”

I had to remind myself that, despite ruining their love story, I also ‘saved’ them from the naga, came back occasionally with stories of ‘heroics,’ and finally came back with a daughter—and no mention of any manner of mother. They’re relatively ignorant farm girls, with no access to the outside world. What can you expect?

Before I could awkwardly shoot them down, Pinkie Pie came to my rescue, “Taya needs her rest.” Before Taya could speak up—and before I remembered she probably wouldn’t—I lay a hand on her to still her. “Come on, Nav. I’ll take you up to our room.” Emphasis on our.

That, her parents noticed. “Don’t you want to sleep in your old room?” Sue asked.

“I’m fine with the guest room,” Pinkie Pie answered. “Twilight wants us close so we’re easy to contact if necessary.” That was a complete and total lie, as Twilight had no means to communicate with us and she never even mentioned the possible need for it. I didn’t dispute it.

“If you’re sure… The bed in there is large enough, at least.” I stayed in there before. That bed was beyond huge. All three of us could probably fit on it, even though Pinkie Pie rolls and twitches a lot in her sleep. “Taya can sleep in your old room, if she wants. Surely your friend wouldn’t need her help.”

“Taya?” I asked. She very lightly and somewhat nervously nodded an affirmative. I was a bit surprised. “If you’re sure. You know where I’ll be if you need anything.”

I put her to bed in Pinkie Pie’s old room. That place was covered in pink, as I’m sure you can imagine. I unstrapped my crossbow—we weren’t in town, and I felt justified in having a weapon around the naga—and laid it where she could see it. A thought occurred to me. “Don’t trust the naga here. He might still hold a grudge for… what I did.” She knew what I meant, from my story.

“He hasn’t said a word to me, but I don’t think he would hurt me.”

“Just stay near Pinkie Pie or Clyde if I have to go back into the caves. I don’t think he would do anything where he could be seen, and he owes that farmer his life.”

“Don’t worry about me, daddy.” I flinched, but she couldn’t see it in the dark. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know. Goodnight… daughter.”

“Night, daddy,” she yawned, rolling over a bit as I stood. I walked down the hall to the guest room, where Pinkie Pie was waiting on the bed already.

“Your sisters are hitting on me,” I said when I had the door closed.

“Yes, they are. But they probably won’t make a move on somepony they think I’ve claimed already.”

“Are you sure you’re Pinkie Pie? You seem too clear-headed.”

She smiled at that. “I’m just saving them the heartache. I know what you’re doing to Fluttershy. I can’t say I approve, but it’s probably for the best.”

“How could you… We left the day after I gave her the journals. How do you know I was doing that?”

“She came to me crying the night before we left. Didn’t know what to do or who to go to. Couldn’t trust Rainbow Dash, you were trusting her to answer questions. Couldn’t trust Twilight, she was too close to you and you were at her house anyway. Couldn’t trust Rarity or Applejack not to run over to where you were and attack you for making her cry.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I can’t tell you that, Nav. You should know that.”

“I know. But I don’t know what to do about it either. Giving her the journals seemed the easiest way to tell her I’m not safe to love, and that I’m not at all what she thinks I am.”

“That’s what you wanted to get across to her? Oh Nav…” she laughed. “You’re an idiot.”

“I know. But for what cause am I one this time?”

“She didn’t come to complain to me about how dangerous you are, or how evil you are, or that she couldn’t love you anymore. She came to cry to me, to wail and to weep, at how tragic your life is and how she needs to fix you.”

“Oh my God, Fluttershy’s one of those women, isn’t she?”

“I don’t know what you wrote in your journals, but she seems to think you’re a tragic hero for some reason. I can sorta understand that. Stolen from your home, given a life you weren’t expecting but making the best of it anyway, meeting princesses and working for them, saving ponies and asking for nothing in return, constantly getting the raw ends of deals but still offering to help, saving an orphan girl and taking her in, and all the time feeling horrible about the ponies—and cats and naga, I suppose—you have to hurt, but doing it anyway because you’re so certain it’s the right thing…”

I sighed. “That’s before she could read the whole thing. She’ll change her mind. And if not… well, it will end badly,” I finally said.

“Nav, Fluttershy… She’s…” Pinkie sighed, trying to find the words. Finally, she said, “Fluttershy is the kind of pony that lives for helping others. Your journals paint you as someone she could help get better.” Who are you and what did you do with Pinkie? “If you wanted her to not be interested, you did the exact wrong thing.”

I sighed, slowly running a hand down my face. “Well?” I asked after a few seconds of thought. “What can I even do?”

“I dunno,” she said with a shrug. “I want you both to smile, but I know it’s not going to work out like that. I’ll certainly do the best with what I can, but… I dunno. Let’s go to bed.”

“...Pinkie Pie, when did you become sane?”

“I’ve always been sane! It’s just more fun to act silly. Just don’t tell anypony, or I’ll deny it and then make you look like you belong in a loony bin.”

...Mares are fucking crazy, man, I swear.

I woke up late in the night with what felt like an iron vice around my chest and my legs. I opened my eyes to find myself crushed into Pinkie Pie. She was holding onto me with all four legs, muttering something.

I pulled my face away from her furry neck and whispered, “Uh, Pinkie Pie?” I knew she was plagued by bad dreams, but I’m not used to being a teddy bear.

She started nipping my hair, lipping it like horses do back on my world. It felt just as unpleasant then as it did in the past. “Pinkie Pie?” I tried, a bit louder.

She snorted and cracked her eyes open slightly. I don’t think she could actually see me, the way she was holding me, so I tried asking, “Why are you holding me?”

“Guard from dreams…” she sleepily said, rolling onto her back and dragging me with her. I heard and felt the gentle breathing of sleep begin within her again, but she wasn’t muttering or flinching anymore. At least she couldn’t bend my wings if I was on top of her…

I sighed and did my best to get back to sleep.

The next day, we just hung around the farmhouse for a while. I told a few more stories, doing my best to leave out the gruesome bits. The two sisters glared at Pinkie Pie some of the time and spent most of the rest of it staring at me. What they didn’t spend doing one of those two, they spent doting over Taya, who didn’t quite know how to take it. It didn’t take me long to realize that I would have been better served warning her to avoid them than I was warning her about the naga fellow.

Around midday, I filled a sack with vegetables and whatnot, then dropped into the well to see if Twilight needed anything. The only thing she needed was a few minutes of peace.

“These naga keep crowding around us!” she bemoaned, while munching on something or another. I don’t usually pay attention to ponies as they eat; sometimes it’s a horrifying sight, though Twilight is better than most. “I keep trying to get them one-on-one, to ask questions of a more—ahem—personal nature, but whenever I try, another one of them volunteers some random scrap of information!”

She and Spike were taking a short break near the edge of the water. It was a really peaceful scene. The three of us were sitting on a small outcropping above the water, just low enough that I could get my feet wet. Spike and I were dangling our feet over the edge, and Twilight was lying on her stomach, staring at a small group of milling naga.

I looked into the crowd of the naga and got the attention of one of the ones looking at us. I motioned him or her—hard to tell with them, sometimes—over. She—I was able to tell as she got closer—came without a hesitation. Twilight looked up at me, alarmed.

Before she could say anything, I asked the naga, “You mind answering bedroom questions?”

She blushed, which I thought was rather odd and disturbing looking, and said, “No, human. What do you wish to know?”

“There you go, Twilight. All you have to do is ask.”

Spike’s mouth was hanging open and Twilight was blushing a deep scarlet.

“What?” I asked.

“Navarone, you don’t just… Stallions!” Twilight stuttered. “Well? Are you just going to sit there? Some privacy for us mares, please!”

“Twilight, I’ve seen all this in motion before. And don’t you need Spike to take notes?” The naga was looking somewhat confused.

“Spike is too young for some of these questions, I think. Take him and do… something. Get more paper, I guess. I think we’re running low.”

I rolled my eyes and picked Spike up despite his protests. We took off into the air, with him trying to look behind me. I slung him over my shoulder and climbed up the rope.

We got to the top and looked at each other. We spoke at the same time: “Women.” “Mares.” Guess who said what.

We went into the farmhouse to ask if they needed anything from town while we went to get paper.

Sue gave me a short list. “Let me just get you something to cover that…”

Before she could move, I said, “Don’t worry about it. You’ve let me stay here more than a few times, least I can do is cover groceries. Besides, I’m accidentally rich from a trick the princesses pulled on me.”

“Accidentally… rich? What?” she asked. One of the sisters was at the table, listening. I realized what I had done too late.

“I was given a decent sum of bits to get home with after my last big trip,” I answered, resigned to my fate. “I didn’t realize how much it was. The princesses made me keep it to punish me for being obstinate.”

“That’s the worst punishment I can think of,” Sue said.

“I know! I have all this money and I don’t know what to do with it. Everyone says Celestia is so loving and generous, but she’s quite horrible to me.”

“I mean, that’s a terrible way of punishing somepony. How is that supposed to teach you any kind of lesson?”

“Oh. I don’t know. I think they just like to see me suffer… That’s what I get for being human in a pony’s world, I guess. We’ll be back in a bit.” Spike and I left. Before we got more than a few paces from the door, Taya came trotting out behind us. I knew if I looked back into the window, I’d see two sisters talking quickly, with several animated hoof gestures. Dammit.

An hour and a half later—it didn’t really take that long, but none of the three of us really wanted to go back—found us back at the farm. Before we went in, Taya said, “Please don’t leave me alone with them again, daddy.”

“Normally this is when I would say something about being social, but I agree. Those two sisters are getting on my nerves. Have you tried saying that you need to practice magic?”

“Yes. I’ve also tried staying near Pinkie Pie. One distracts her while the other spirits me away.”

“I’ll try leaving a sign on your door. I have to drop Spike off, but I should be back up in just a few minutes. If push comes to shove, just tell them I said to leave you alone so you can study in peace for a bit.”

“Maybe that will work…” We entered. I dropped the groceries off and grabbed a sheet of paper and a quill from Spike. I wrote, “Do not disturb – Navarone” on it. I took Taya up to her room and, lacking anything else, stuck the note to the door with a knife. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, hopefully,” I said. She nodded. I pulled the door shut. And found myself staring at one of the two sisters.

“Yes?” I asked, a small bundle of nervousness kicking me in my stomach.

“So what do you think about Pinkie Pie?” she asked.

“I think I’m needed in the caves. I’ll be back soon enough. And please don’t disturb Taya—she’s at an early stage of learning magic where if she stops now, it’ll take her a while to get started again.” That was probably a complete lie; I know nothing about magic. But I figured this country girl didn’t know anything either.

She deflated slightly, but put on a small smile when she realized that I didn’t say one thing or another about my feelings for Pinkie Pie. I was already halfway down the stairs before she realized I was gone, and I had grabbed Spike and was about to drop down the well before she caught up. I pretended not to hear her as I fell down the well, holding onto Spike.

He was not expecting a sudden drop, but managed to hold onto the paper as we fell. I let us get almost to the water before I opened my wings. He was yelling in fear before I did so, and I couldn’t help but smile at the look of hate he gave me. I’m surprised he didn’t sling the paper everywhere when I pulled out of the dive, but I suppose he was experienced at dealing with it.

“Where have you two been?!” Twilight demanded. “I ran out of paper hours ago!”

“Twilight, we haven’t been gone more than two hours.” I said.

“Are you sure? It seems like I’ve been down here for days.”

“You’re not used to being underground. It’s getting to your head.”

“Just be glad I have a good memory! Their mating rituals are so fascinating! Spike, take note…”

I don’t know what I was supposed to be glad of, since I was leaving, but whatever. Spike and I shared a short look that communicated our shared suffering before he bent down to write. I shook my head and jumped back into the air.

“Nav, wait!” Twilight shouted. “Where are you going?”

“Pinkie Pie’s sisters are being twits. I’m going to go protect Taya.”

“Before you go, can you… um… get a male naga over here?” I rolled my eyes and landed for a sec, then motioned the hulking warlord over. Twilight gulped when she saw him approach.

“What do you need, Navarone?” he boomed.

“Twilight wants to ask you some inappropriate questions, and was too shy to bring you over herself.” I saw her turn an even deeper red than before, and heard Spike laughing behind me.

He nodded sagely. “Yes, as small as these ponies—and you—are, I can imagine she’s well interested in our sexual prowess. I will satisfy her… curiosities.” He said it with a small smile that told me he was joking. I couldn’t tell if Twilight was offended, terrified, or even shyer now. Spike was laughing so hard he was choking.

I just nodded and said, “Remember, she has to be able to walk out of the cave.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. Go on your way, human. I’ll take good care of her,” he said, smiling deeper. I flew out, snickering the whole way. I was going to catch hell for it later, but I think it was worth it.

When I made it to the top of the well—muttering obscenities the whole way—a scaly hand shot down and pulled me out by my arm. I was left dangling over the well, held up by my arm.

“Oh, hi. Thanks for the help. That lip is a bitch to get over,” I said. I turn into a smartass sometimes when I get worried for my life.

The naga looked me over. “You know, I was a scout in my clan. Not the best, not the worst. Do you know what qualities scouts are selected for, Navarone?”

“Stealth? Stature?” He was smaller than most of the other naga, but still larger than me. Large enough to hold me up by an arm without any trouble.

“Not fitting in. Being generally nonviolent. Not being liked. In some cases—mine, perhaps—so I could certainly die in a way that wouldn’t completely shame the clan.” He set me down on the ground. “For a long time, I thought I should kill you for what you did to my people. Kill you and take that dagger you openly wear proclaiming your guilt. And then I started thinking about it. They were my clan, my people. But they were not my family, nor my… friends. They were violent, and they met a violent end. I came to a realization one day… Those that live by the sword usually die by the sword. You saved me from that. I wanted you to know that, and be warned. I will not harm you, but if you live as you are, your life will kill you one day.”

After a long pause, I said, “My people came to that realization hundreds of years ago. We fight on, knowing death will come. I never wanted this life and I do not like it. I hate killing. But some people need to die. And someone needs to be willing to be the one that kills them. I realize that one day I will probably become one of those people that need to die. But thank you for the concern. It is good to know there is someone out there that wants to warn me of my probable fate.”

He nodded and left. Knowing what was waiting for me in the farmhouse, I flew up to Taya’s window and knocked on it. She opened them with magic. She’s really progressing…

I stopped in the window. The entire room had changed color from pink to black. What. The. Fuck. Note to self: Don’t get her pink anything. “I hope you’re going to change the room back before we go.”

That’s when I noticed Taya on the floor, eyes glowing like high-beams. She looked like she was having a seizure. I was at her side before I even knew I was moving. I noticed a terrible, searing pain, but I put it as far from my mind as possible so I could try to help Taya.

At my touch, she froze. She had one more terrible convulsion, and was still. The light in her eyes slowly faded. She looked at me, confused. “What… what happened?”

“I do not know,” I think I said. It sounded odd to me, though. Before I could continue, I heard a scream from the door. I looked up to see Pinkie Pie with her hoof to her mouth, staring in horror at me.

That’s the last thing I remembered happening for nearly a week.

Chapter Thirty—Ouch, my everything

Chapter Thirty—Ouch, my everything

I woke up in darkness, on some manner of bed. I could barely twitch my wings under me. From the feel of it, I was on a segmented bed, one that had holes for my wings. Despite being in an unfamiliar place in unfamiliar circumstances and no idea of what was going on, it felt great to be able to lie on my back.

That’s when I discovered I was strapped down.

I cannot abide being bound.

My mind was almost ripped in two at that fact. It went something like this:

I was with friends. I’m here for a reason.

Bound! Not again! Never again!

Relax. Just relax. There has to be a reason.

Nothing justifies this! I hate being bound!

Keep calm, just keep calm.

I HATE BEING BOUND!

Fight the panic.

THIS ISN’T PANIC, THIS IS HATE! ANGER! RAGE! BREAK. ME. FREE!

It wasn’t a fun wait.

Nor was it an overly long one, which is good. I was nearing either insanity or a black rage, I think.

The door opened, letting blessed light in. Before I could see who it was or before they could say anything, I demanded, “Cut these binds and let me free!”

Whoever entered gasped, then cantered off. Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!

I forced myself to calm down, to relax, and to stop straining against the binds. If they’re there, they’re there to keep me here.

After a wonderfully short wait, light flooded the chamber. I flinched and blinked in the glare, and wrenched myself free as the binds were released. I tried to slide off the bed, but magic forced me back.

“I didn’t bring you back from your deathbed to watch you kill yourself, Navarone,” Celestia’s voice said. That immediately caused me to relax.

“Never bind me. I don’t know what happened, but I think I would have preferred death to being tied down.”

“I’ll remember that next time,” she answered dryly. “Are you going to try to stand up again, or can I let you go?”

“Tell me what I am not allowed to do before you let me go so I don’t do it.”

“Feel free to sit up and stretch. Just don’t try your legs yet.” She released me and I did as she said. She smiled a bit as I popped all my joints.

“So, what the hell happened?”

“I think ‘hell’ might be an appropriate description for it, given what you’ve told me of the concept. What do you remember?”

“I flew up to Taya’s room and found her freaking out. Glowing eyes and convulsing. Terrified me. I rushed in to help her. When I touched her, she stopped and returned back to normal.”

“What do you remember about the room?”

“Before, it was pink. When I found her like that, it was black. For a second, I thought she did it on purpose. I suppose she recolored it on accident?”

“She didn’t paint it. She burned it. The entire room was hotter than a furnace. The only reason you’re alive is because she had some manner of shielding around herself that you entered when you got near her, as far as I can tell.”

“Huh. How long ago was this?”

“If I told you a century, how would you react?”

“I’d be kind of pissed.”

“A week. I was honestly expecting it to take at least two for you to even wake up, let alone be able to try to walk.”

“I heal fast. How’s Taya?”

“She hasn’t stopped crying since it happened. You really shouldn’t be up and about, Nav. You were minutes away from dying when Twilight got there to stabilize you. Even then, you still almost died. It took me and Luna both to bring you back. You should get full mobility back, eventually. Your hair and your feathers will take longer to grow back. I don’t even want to talk about the rest of the damage.” I saw her shudder. “I can bring Taya here if you want. She seemed to think you’d never want to see her again.”

“Bring me clothes and a mirror.” My stomach growled rather loudly. I ignored it. She didn’t move. “Please?”

“If I leave this room, you won’t try to stand up?”

“I won’t,” I lied. Her horn glowed.

“Nav…”

“I will not be locked in a bed. I am getting up and I am going to see my daughter. I will do that naked if I have to.”

“Fine! If you can stand up and walk to me, I’ll get your clothes. I don’t think you want a mirror yet.”

I slid out of bed. When my feet touched the floor, it felt like my knees were breaking. I couldn’t stop a flinch, but I clamped my mouth shut. I couldn’t keep my wings up and I could barely hold my feet. I managed a shuffle of sorts, and made my way slowly to Celestia, limp, featherless wings hanging behind me. I’m sure I looked like a fucking fallen angel. I stumbled slightly once, and Celestia was at my side faster than I made it to Taya a week before. I weakly pushed her away and made as if I was going to the door. She barred my path with a wing.

“You’ve proven your point. Nurse!” A pony stuck his head in the door and saw me standing and just gaped. “I know. Go get his belongings. I can’t believe I’m letting you do this…” she said when the nurse left.

“I’m sorry I’m such a bad influence on you, Princess. Where are we?”

“The palace. Twilight and Taya are nearby.” She probably expected me to go rushing off to find them if she told me where. At that point, the only rushing I was going to be able to do was to the ground.

“I don’t suppose you have some manner of cane?”

“Would a walker work?”

“…I’ll manage.” The nurse brought my bag. I assumed all the clothing I had been wearing was destroyed. In the bag was my crossbow—which I had thankfully left in my room—the naga knife, a few sets of clothes, and some bandoliers of throwing knives. I grabbed the clothes. I fell on my ass trying to put on pants, and it felt like I shattered my entire body when I did it. I couldn’t stop tears of pain from coming out, but I managed to not yell in pain. I slowly got up and finished getting dressed. Celestia just shook her head.

Since Celestia refused to bring me a mirror, I grabbed the naga knife. It somehow survived the fire, though the sheath was gone. It was still mirror-reflective, though.

I was bad. Very bad. My gasp of horror and revulsion alerted the princess, who snatched the knife from my hands with magic. I glared at her. “Don’t try to protect me from myself.” I relaxed my gaze a bit. “Taya is going to be terrified when she sees me…”

“If you think you look bad now, you should have seen yourself a week ago. Luna was almost sick when she did. Taya will be fine.” She passed the dagger back, and I slipped it into my pack and threw the pack into a corner. My entire body felt sunburned, leathery. The pressure of the clothes on my body was enough to make me want to give in and get back in bed.

I turned to Celestia. “Where are they?”

“And you said you would be a bad parent,” she muttered. “Follow me, if you can,” she said louder.

I put a hand on her side to steady myself, and followed her out like that. I hope that day was the most painful thing I’ll ever do in my life, because I don’t think I’ll be able to survive anything worse.

Taya and Twilight weren’t far from my room, thankfully. I was somewhat wondering why there was a damn hospital wing in the palace when we stopped. I was pretty sure if I looked back, I would see a trail of bloody footsteps.

I didn’t look back.

Instead, I looked into the room we were in front of, and saw Twilight looking out at me, mouth wide open.

“How are you…? Princess, why did you let him out?”

I pushed my way past her and saw Taya on the bed. I heard them talking behind me, but I stopped listening.

Her head was buried in the pillow and I could hear her crying. She has to be dehydrated by now…

I put my hand on her back and felt her flinch. She didn’t pull her head up, though.

“Taya, daughter, what’s wrong?”

She said something through the pillow. I barely made out, “Don’t call me that.”

“Taya is your name, and you are my daughter. Why are you crying?”

More mumblings. “I almost killed you. I used magic against you! You hate me!”

“I will never hate you. If you knew the effort it took for me to get here and tell you that, you would understand.”

She didn’t say anything.

“Look at me, honey.” Her horn glowed and I was lifted off my feet. “Taya?”

She looked up at me through a haze of tears, and gasped. “You’re… real…”

“Yep. Why am I floating?”

“I can’t use magic in the dreams…” She set me down, my legs almost buckling at the weight of my body. “Why don’t you hate me?” she said through her tears.

“Accidents happen. Twilight had something similar happen to her.”

“Accidents don’t usually almost kill you...”

“With great power comes great responsibility. And the great potential for disaster. Which is why you have a teacher. I know you were given leave to practice magic, but what were you doing?”

“One of Pinkie Pie’s sisters came by and wouldn’t stop knocking and knocking. I tried ignoring her, but she wouldn’t go away. I got so angry, and my horn started glowing… I woke up when you touched me… Daddy, you looked so awful!” she sobbed.

I held her in my arms, through the pain. “I’m better now. Mostly. I’ll be here a few more days and then I can go home. You and Twilight can head on back now, and continue your studies. You need to make sure this doesn’t happen again, where someone less resilient might find you.”

“I… I don’t know if I want to keep studying magic. Not after… that.”

“Magic is a dangerous tool. But it is a tool. It does what the wielder wants, until you make a mistake. If you want a weapon, you get a weapon. But you don’t have to want a weapon. There are plenty of ways magic can help people. Healing, teleporting, manipulating items. And there are always a few out there that do want to make weapons, and you might be called on to help stop them. It is unlikely to find another in your or my lifetime, but you never know. But as long as you learn to control it, magic will do whatever you want it to. No one will make you study it, but I think you should, and that you’d like it.” I’m afraid of magic, but I’ll not let her stop studying just because she fucked up once.

“I’ll… try.” I nodded and let her go.

“I’m sorry to stop by and leave so soon, but I think I need to go lie down again.”

“I understand, daddy. You go rest.”

I turned to find Celestia and Twilight looking at me.

“Shut up, Celestia,” I said. Twilight looked insulted on her behalf, but Celestia just shook her head and carried me back with magic.

She gently set me in the bed. “So what’s with the straps, anyway?” I asked.

“Every time anypony came to heal you, you struggled like a madpony. At least once a day, you tried to slide out of the bed without a word. Today is the first day you’ve managed to talk or make it more than a few feet without collapsing.”

“Huh. How long will I be in here?”

“Until your skin isn’t harder than my hoof and more sensitive than your eye.”

“Fair enough. Now that I’m awake and able to talk, do you think you can heal me instantly and just let me sleep off the shock?”

“We could. I had something else in mind.” Just then, Twilight and Taya came in. “Twilight, take it away.”

“This patient is complaining of terrible burns. Healing him fully in one sitting would be too draining for any but the strongest unicorns, and it might kill the patient. Blah blah blah.” She didn’t actually say that, I just don’t feel like writing the crap she said.

I suppose that’s one way to teach magic. Celestia stood by idly, ready to assist if needed.

The next few days were a bit torturous, but I slowly got better. Taya learned how to heal, and I got a little less terrifying to look at each visit.

Luna and Celestia both came to visit me a few times. Neither mentioned the Gala or the aftermath, which I was somewhat thankful for. We talked a bit, though, about eternal, or at least a really long, life. And Celestia delivered the promised talk about the revelations I had after the pirate attack.

She came to visit me one morning not long after she raised the sun. I was awake, reading a book from the royal library that Twilight was kind enough to bring me. Celestia entered without a word and walked up to my bed wearing the sad smile she seems to wear so well.

“I’m growing weary of these walls,” I said as I put the book down. “I don’t suppose I can leave soon?” It had only been three days since I woke up.

“I’m afraid not,” she answered. “You still have much healing to go. I’m honestly not certain how you are still alive, but that isn’t why I’m here. I think we need to have a talk, Navarone,” she said with a grim firmness.

“I am listening, Princess,” I answered.

She sighed, as though uncertain how to begin. I’m pretty sure that was a masquerade—Celestia is a lot wiser and smarter than she lets on, something that I’m slowly learning over the years. “Your mind is fraying, Navarone,” she finally said. “I did not know the causes of it until you mentioned it to the slaves you freed. Post traumatic stress disorder, you called it. Tell me more about it.”

I told her what all of I knew, which to be quite honest wasn’t that much. I didn’t spend my time dealing with stuff like that back home.

“And you think you’re going through that?” she asked.

“I know I am,” I answered. “If Pinkie ever hits me with a surprise party, there’s a chance I might react violently before I realize what happened. I’ve lost a lot of patience for regular ponies. I find it even harder than usual to care about gossip or the like. I’m happy alcohol supplies are so limited, because if they weren’t, I would probably drink myself to sleep every night so I could avoid the dreams that occasionally hit me.” I shrugged. “It’s what happens when you take an unprepared person and put them in high stress situations where they have no training and no coping mechanisms. It’s a good thing I didn’t care about any of the slaves we lost on the march to the Suez, or I might be even more fucked up.”

She looked a bit shocked at that. “So this was my fault,” she whispered.

I blinked. “Not really. You didn’t have anything to do with my first kill. I did that to myself. You didn’t really help, but I don’t really think it was your fault.”

“I ordered you into Egypt,” she asserted.

“Someone had to go. If you need me to tell you that being a leader is hard and that it involves sacrifices, I think your memory might just be shot. You’ve been ruling forever; surely you know what dirty jobs entail. There’s no reason for you to pretend with me.”

She smiled darkly. “Fine. Shoot through my disguise. That doesn’t change the fact that you are unwell. I will admit ignorance in how to deal with this sickness, though.”

“We never found a cure. We never found a cure for any mental illness, not really. Hell, I don’t think we really understood most of them. As I said to the unicorns, though: friendship and support can do a lot.”

“But are you willing to give friendship a chance to help you? Or will you retreat within yourself as you did on the boat?”

I looked down for a moment. “I hate relying on others. Always did. I figured that if I couldn’t solve my own problems then I didn’t deserve to have them solved.” I looked up to her. “You can’t fight something like this with that attitude. I’ll try, but I can give no promises.” I’ve already failed. God, why did I turn down Twilight’s help?

“You haven’t failed me yet,” she said. “Please don’t start now. You shouldn’t be forced to live your life plagued from the memories of a few short events.”

“Should and would build no bridges,” I answered sadly.

She nodded slowly.

One time, they both came to visit at once. “Both princesses, eh? I must be about to die again.” That was far from the truth. I was almost well enough to leave, actually, and I was quite looking forward to it.

“Nav, we’ve been putting this off, but…” Luna began, and stopped.

Celestia sighed, and said, “There were some unintended consequences from what Taya did.”

“Is she going to be okay?” All traces of my bettering mood were lost.

“She is going to be fine,” Luna said.

“Then there’s something wrong with me? Or Pinkie Pie’s sister?”

“Do you not think it important to learn names? Anyway, she’ll be fine. It’s you. You were so close to death…”

I started getting it. “You… didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.”

“There are a few dead trees in the garden now, Navarone,” Luna said.

I closed my eyes and leaned back. “How long?” is all I managed.

They took a second before answering. “At least a thousand years. We can’t know.”

“Who knows?”

“You and us,” Celestia said.

“Taya… I’m going to watch her die. Hold her in my arms, feel her last heartbeat, her last gasp of breath, see her eyes glaze over… All of them…”

“You would have died,” Luna said. “You would have died, and then where would Taya have been?”

“Don’t you—” I stopped, realizing I was yelling. “There is so much I want to say, and I’m not going to say a word of it. It’s done. I guess we’ll find out what the future will bring. Together, for what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth a lot more than you think, Nav,” Celestia said. Her normally beautiful eyes were downcast, leaden. It broke my heart to see that.

I closed my eyes again and said, “I could give you both this entire world. Nothing left but ponies. No cats, no naga, no dogs, no dragons. Nothing sapient but ponies…”

“What about griffons?” Luna asked, jokingly.

“I still haven’t met one of those,” I said, feeling very tired. “I suppose I have all the time in the world to, now.”

“That is not how you rule a world, Navarone,” Celestia said. “We ponies are on top because we work with the other races, not because we subjugate and destroy them.”

“I figured you would say that. Once my daughter is dead, I’ll help you however you ask.” A thought occurred to me. “Can I tell anyone about this? My aging, I mean.”

“As long as you tell them it was only an accidental byproduct of the healing and not something we did on purpose, yes,” Celestia answered. Well, at least now I have something to tell Fluttershy.

There was a long pause. They turned to go. Celestia left. Luna paused, turned, said, “Nav…”

I answered, “Is there ever such a thing as happily ever after?”

She took a step toward me. “There are worse things than living forever.” Another step. “Celestia didn’t mention this, but…” Another step. “We can take that extra life we gave you just as easily as we gave it.” Another step. She was right at the foot of my bed, looking down on me. “But we might overshoot, take too much. If the choice was living for a thousand years or living for one, which would you take?”

“If you take a little too much life, why can’t you just give me more? Keep going back and forth until you get it right?”

“Because it doesn’t work like that. If we took too much from you, and left you with just a minute of life, you’d die before we knew how much longer you had. You age based on the life you have left. Right now you have a few thousand years. You’ll effectively stop aging. You’ll heal and grow as normal. Faster, possibly—neither of us have been badly injured, so we haven’t tested that, but you’re doing great right now. But if I started taking life from you, and I took too much, you could age too quickly for me to give you anything back.”

“So my choices are eternity or early death.”

“Not eternity, unless you wish it. There are trees aplenty. Celestia and I… I shouldn’t even say this, but we’re happy. Not happy for your sorrow, but happy because we’re not so alone anymore. You’re the best thing to happen to either of us in thousands of years. If you spend the rest of your life hating us, remember that we only did it for you.” She bent over, touched my leg with her horn, and healed me the rest of the way. “I’m sorry you’re not happy about it, but I’m not sorry it happened.” She turned to leave.

I almost stopped her. Almost told her, ‘When the seven years ends, find me.’ I almost did… But almost doesn’t mean anything, in the long run.

She left.

I lay in bed for a long time, thinking.

When Twilight and Taya came by, they found me pacing erratically. “What’s wrong?” Twilight asked, “And why are you out of bed?”

I looked at her with bloodshot eyes. I don’t know if they were like that from lack of sleep or if I had been crying. I just know she blanched upon seeing me. “Later,” is all I said, and grabbed my pack from where it rested. “Let’s go home.”

“So soon? You still have more healing to do,” Twilight said.

“Daddy? Are you okay?” Taya asked, sounding worried. Hearing her voice almost made me cry, if I hadn’t been before or if I had anything left to give.

“As well as I’m going to be for a while. Luna healed me the rest of the way, but they left me with an affliction worse than I had. Let’s go home.”

“You’re not making any sense, Nav. Are you sure you’re okay?” Twilight said.

“They made me immortal on accident,” I said.

That stopped them.

“They… what?” Twilight asked, dumbfounded.

“They couldn’t heal me normally, so they did something drastic. They think they accidentally gave me a thousand years or so of life.”

“Nav, that’s impossible!”

“Are you saying Celestia lied?” That shut her up. “It is possible. It just isn’t well known magic.”

“I don’t understand…” Taya said. “Why are you sad?”

“I hate to pull this card on you, but you’re too young to understand. I might be able to explain it to you when you’re older, but for now… Let’s go home.”

“Do you want me to talk to Princess Celestia for you?” Twilight asked. “She might know some way to reverse it…”

“No. There is a way to reverse it, but it has a pretty high chance of killing me. I’ll just ride it out. I’m sure they’ll find ways to keep me busy.”

“You seem to be taking this kind of... nonchalantly.”

I looked at Twilight again. I made sure she saw my eyes, everything I was hiding inside. My fists clenched so tight they popped. “You have never seen me act on my anger. Be glad,” I said in the tightest voice I had. I breezed past them both into the corridor, and started walking to what I was hoping was an exit. Part of my storm had passed by the time they caught up, and I was mostly in control again by the time we reached an exit.

“We need to stop by my place before we leave, Nav,” Twilight said. I started walking that way and they followed.

The wind felt so weird on my barren wings. They had just started itching over the past few days, and I could see the beginnings of new feathers growing in. Hair on my body was starting to poke out a bit, too, but I could barely see it. I predicted an itchy month.

I got even more looks than usual from the ponies on the way to Twilight’s house. After my two jaunts in Egypt, a lot of ponies would hail me on the streets of cities like Canterlot. Now, they took one look at me and my eyes, and decided maybe they didn’t want to say anything right then. We left a trail of silence in our wake.

When we got to Twilight’s pad, I looked out the window for a bit, just thinking.

“Nav, we have everything. Are you ready?” Twilight asked.

I turned to face them. “Don’t tell the others,” I said. They nodded. “Let’s go.”

“I used to like trains,” I said. We were on the train to Ponyville now. “Back on Earth, I mean. I didn’t get the chance to use them often, and when I did it was like a novelty ride, something from history. The place I came from, we preferred personal transportation over mass transportation, so we canned our trains for the most part. When I came here and found they were big, I was happy to hear it. Finally, I thought, a chance to do something I like doing, and possibly for a good reason.” I paused, then continued, slower. “But then I got wings. Now, trains are just a way of getting from point A to point B faster than I can fly. Sitting on trains is hard, since I can’t lean back. Standing on them is a pain, since I wouldn’t take a train anywhere I could easily fly to, meaning anywhere we’re going is a pretty long distance away. It’s a tradeoff of sorts, I suppose…” Taya and Twilight were dozing, Taya lying across my lap. I was whispering, and gently stroking Taya’s mane.

We could have walked to town. It really isn’t that far, would have taken us a few hours. Or we could have asked Celestia for transportation. But I didn’t feel like seeing her. So instead we settled for a train.

It was pretty late at night by the time we got home. I carried Taya in and marveled at how much heavier she felt. I know she was getting heavier now that she actually had a good bit of time to eat, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some of my muscle mass had actually been burned away. If nothing else, some of it was probably eaten away in my nearly two weeks spent in bed. I just knew that soon I wouldn’t be able to carry her anymore, and she wouldn’t be able to sleep on my back.

When I put Taya to bed, I went to the library. Twilight was there waiting for me.

“What kind of life do I have to look forward to?” I asked her. “In less than five years, I have led a war band, I have murdered and killed, I have felled assassins, I have tortured, I have loved and lost and more. All in less than five years. What will a thousand bring? Two? Three?”

She sighed. “I do not know, Nav. You came here in a volatile time, when much is changing. The two princesses control the world, in more ways than most ponies realize. Their moods affect the overarching world situation. When Princess Celestia is feeling a negative emotion, more bad things happen during the day. When Luna is feeling negative, more bad things happen at night. Good moods are positive. And they can be opposite, with Luna happy and Princess Celestia angry. When Princess Celestia ruled alone, she took both day and night to her moods. The first two hundred years after Luna was banished, the world entered a virtual dark age. Princess Celestia slowly got better. And then Luna came back. The world was still reeling when you came. Luna fell in love with you, and Princess Celestia fell into a small depression over her sister’s feelings and the pain that was sure to come from them. The situation in the Middle East happened. There’s always some good and some bad.

“What you have to remember, Nav, is that the princesses are still ponies, eternal and powerful or not. They will have mood swings, and the mood of the world will shift. Sometimes that will help us all and sometimes it will hurt us all. Who can an eternal princess turn to if she wants to talk about some private feeling that she doesn’t want her sister to know about? Not a servant, as that would not be proper. Not a student, for the same reason. They have had almost no friends to speak of, as most ponies live such short lives compared to them. Some pains they had to keep inside for a long, long time.”

“And now there’s me. Another immortal giant of sorts. Not by choice, not something I wanted, but something I have. And I have no power to worry about, no say in what happens in the world. All I can do is try to keep them happy, I suppose, when you’re all gone. But there’s one thing I worry about, Twilight: My mind. Human minds can start breaking down around age sixty, and are usually gone by age one hundred. Will that be relative age, or literal age?” And that’s not even mentioning the PTSD shit I was going through.

“Pony minds are the same way. Princess Celestia is eccentric at times, but she isn’t insane. Neither of them are. But she was born into her role, as far as history records. You might be different. It will be interesting to find out.”

“Shame that, you know, you won’t be able to. At least if all goes well, I’ll be able to know my great-great-great-grandchildren. Though I don’t know if they’ll know me…”

“What would we tell the others, if they ask why you’re not aging anymore?”

“I’ll tell them. I’ve got a bit to talk to Fluttershy about, but it’ll have to come later. I haven’t had a good, long break in a while.” I ran my hand over my head, forgetting I didn’t have any hair left. “I need to recuperate, and dealing with Fluttershy will add more stress. Still, I know I have to.” Assuming she doesn’t get pissed and just refuse to see me. Which would be for the best.

“It’s perfectly reasonable for you to wait a few days after something like this, Nav. Getting back from a long, dangerous trip, almost getting killed, and then getting the worst news of your life takes a lot out of somepony, even you.”

“It is reasonable to wait, but it isn’t fair to Fluttershy, or at least I don’t think it is. But first, we both need sleep.”

“Are you sure you’ll be able to sleep?”

“There’s a bit more of your innocence. Nothing better made to help you sleep than stress and adrenaline. When it all winds down, you go from completely wired to crashed. It’s like meth.”

“Meth?”

“A human drug that gives massive amounts of energy at the cost of your body and mind. It can keep you awake for days at a time, but you’ll have little control of yourself while doing it and when you crash, you can sleep for over a day. And it’s incredibly addictive.”

“Humans are crazy…”

“Yeah. I’m going to bed.” And despite what I said, I did end up lying in bed, trying to sleep, for a long time.

And when I finally did get to sleep, it proved no safe hiding place from my mind. I didn’t remember a single one of the dreams, but I woke up several times during the night.

Chapter Thirty-One—Long talks and rave parties

Chapter Thirty-One—Long talks and rave parties

When I finally got up, I felt even worse than I had when I went to bed. I decided to mutter obscenities while I put on my desert clothes; they were decent to wear in the heat and they drew little attention to the fact that my wings were fucked up. I left the hood off, because that would draw even more attention. I hid a few throwing knife belts around me just because.

As I was checking a few more of the hidden compartments in the library, I heard Rarity’s unique screech of horror behind me. “Yes, Rarity?” I sighed, reaching up for another hidden alcohol compartment. I have way too many of these.

“What are you wearing?” she demanded.

“Clothes. And I don’t care what the local fashion is right now, I’m not changing.”

“Nav, you don’t understand! Looking like that, you’ll soon START the new local fashion!”

“Welp, I’m going to go change…” I downed a good shot of booze. I really need to stop doing this… Drinking, that is, not antagonizing Rarity. “Oh, that reminds me of something, actually,” I said, turning to face her. “Your ugly outfit saved my life in Egypt. Next time you’ll have to try harder to make something that makes me an even more defenseless target.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never made an ugly outfit!”

I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, if you’re looking for Twilight, I don’t think she’s here. I think she and Taya went off somewhere. I’m somewhat surprised by that, given how early it is…”

“I passed by them on the way here, actually. They asked me to tell you they were going to go help one of Fluttershy’s little animal friends. The poor beast hurt itself, and I suppose Taya needs some healing practice. Though I figured she would have gotten plenty with what happened to you.”

“More practice is always better than less practice.” There was a pause. “Oh, you were wanting gossip.” There was a longer pause.

“Well, now that you mention it…” An even longer one. “Well?”

“Do you want the story I should probably tell people, or the story I’m only going to tell people if they ask?”

“If you put it like that, you’re begging somepony to ask.”

“I’m telling someone they can ask, but that it isn’t necessarily something I want to talk about, just something I will if they ask. That means they have to judge whether or not they want to risk hurting either my feelings or our friendship in order to find out some interesting details.”

“…So what’s the full story?”

“Taya fucked up her magic somehow and I caught the brunt of it. Celestia and Luna managed to keep me alive, but had to give me at least a thousand extra years of life to do it. So when you’re bones, I’ll still be up and kicking.”

“So… what’s the true story?”

“That was the true story. The healing magic they used was some ancient stuff, used in only the most life-threatening cases, by melding night and day magic. I wish I had been awake to see it.”

“So you’re going to live for over a thousand years.”

“Assuming I don’t get killed, probably. It’s hard to know for sure.”

“I can just imagine your effect on fashion now… I bet you’re going to spend all your life crusading against it!”

“If I ever gave it a thought, I would. I dislike it, but I don’t care enough to actually do anything to it. Some people are into it, for whatever stupid reason, so there’s no reason for me to fight it. Still, I’m surprised that’s the first place your mind went to.”

“It’s no business of mine how long you live. I wish you luck in your life. And when fashions I create today stay famous all through your life, be sure to remind everypony just who it was that came up with them! That’s how I will live forever.”

“If you ever get famous, I’ll be sure to let everyone know I wore your clothes before they were popular, and that they saved my life on at least one occasion.” Wait, shit, does that make me a hipster?

She nodded as if that’s what she fully expected. “At least Princess Celestia and Luna will have somepony else around for company. For some reason, I keep thinking Princess Celestia is really bored, even though she hasn’t given any indication to me otherwise.”

“I’m sure they’ll find ways to keep me occupied over the centuries. It hasn’t even been five years and they’ve already come up with several ways to try to get me killed. Maybe the world will calm down soon. God knows I need a break…”

“You could just start refusing to help her. Though honestly, that seems like a bad idea.”

“After this, I think she knows I need a break. I was minutes from death. I’ve acceded to her requests so far because she had good reasons. There is almost nothing she could say that would get me to leave Ponyville for more than a day right now.”

“So what are you going to do about Fluttershy?”

“I plan on dealing with that situation as I see fit.”

“You sound like you need some advice.”

“You sound like you’re going to give me advice whether I want it or not,” I riposted.

“What you want isn’t always what you need. Did you try telling her how you feel?”

“I have heard that you should never accept advice about women from a woman, because none of them have any idea what they really want, just what they think they want.”

“That sounds like advice from a bitter old stallion. An unmarried bitter old stallion.” I decided not to tell her about anything else I heard about the same subject.

“I’ll manage, one way or another. I’ve faced off two angry princesses and an army. What more could anyone throw at me?”

“Beware the wrath of a mare scorned. Though if you’ve dealt with both of the princesses being mad at you, it sounds like you’ve already faced that.”

“No more gossip for you. I was going to go talk to Fluttershy now, but with Twilight and Taya over there, I think I’ll wait.”

“In that case, do you think you can explain something to me?”

“I might be able to.”

“I was talking to one of my fashion contacts recently, wondering why I hadn’t gotten any big orders in such a long time. Apparently I and a sexy white pegasus stallion were arrested for treason half a year ago, and all of my contacts and clients thought I was either in jail or dead.”

“You? In the company of a sexy stallion? Who did you blackmail to make that happen?”

A magic pimp slap later—which I consider unfair—she said, “What confuses me is that I don’t remember getting arrested. Or convicted. And I got to thinking about it, I really don’t remember any of the last few days of our little fashion trip. I asked our friends if any of them knew anything. At the time, only Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack were here. Fluttershy refused to answer. Rainbow Dash very quickly feigned ignorance and zoomed off. Applejack and Pinkie Pie just had no clue. Now what would cause Fluttershy to refuse to answer a harmless question like that?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m pretty sure you do know. I saw a lot of papers on her table when I was over there the last time. They had the look of your writing on them. Since you were the only other witness I have to the events back then, and she has papers that you wrote, I think it’s possible you wrote down what really happened, and that what really happened was us getting arrested. So why don’t I remember it?”

“Because Celestia and I decided it wasn’t something you should remember. You were a bit perturbed with how it turned out.”

“How did it turn out?”

“We’re both alive and out of jail.”

“Then why was I upset?”

“Because you’re a woman and you decided to be difficult?”

Another pimp slap later—on the other cheek, at least—she said, “Why do I have the feeling that there’s more to it than that?”

“Because there is, probably. And if you hit me again, I’m hitting you back.”

She gave me that look that all women seem to know, that ‘yeah right’ look. She didn’t hit me again, though. Which is good, because I didn’t want to have to chase her down in town while she was screaming about the human trying to attack her.

“So what else is there to it? And why don’t I remember it?”

“Telling you that would go against the whole not letting you remember thing. It’s enough to know that we’re here now. And if it makes you feel any better, the prison cell was really cold and you made me cuddle with you the whole time we were in it.” Among other things.

“Why would that make me feel better?”

“Because you seem to think I’m sexy as a pony. You got the chance to capitalize on that a bit. More than a bit, actually. If any of your contacts ask, tell them I got us a royal pardon. If they ask how, wink coquettishly and tell them that there are ways a sexy male model can make a princess happy.”

She looked disgusted at that. “Navarone! That’s base, even for you! Suggesting that Princess Celestia would… Wait. Would she?”

“You’ll just have to take my word for it, seeing as how you don’t remember. And since that male model no longer exists, the paparazzi would have a hard time tracking him down to confirm the story one way or another.”

“Or I could get Fluttershy to tell me. Or maybe Rainbow Dash, though I don’t know why you would have told her anything.”

“Rainbow Dash doesn’t know how to keep her nose away from where it doesn’t belong. Good luck getting her to tell you anything, after what has been promised for her if she talks. Fluttershy… Could you really forgive yourself for making Fluttershy talk about something she has been asked not to discuss? Just imagine what it would do to her mind to betray a friend like that, or to be trapped between betraying a friend and letting a friend down.”

“I hate how you always do that!” she muttered, and then tried flirting: “So what will it take to get the truth?”

“We’ve been over this. I’m not attracted to ponies. And I’m not like those stallions you usually twist around your finger anyway: If I’m promised something, I’ll collect. Which is why you’re not getting this information.” She pouted at that. I ignored it. “Feel free to ask Celestia, if you want. I’m sure she would love to discuss something she purposefully made you forget.” Her pout turned to horror.

“Since it means that much…” I just looked at her. “Fine! Have it your way.” She muttered some other things I pretended to not hear. She finally said, “How about you explain something else, then?” I nodded. “Why aren’t you attracted to ponies? I think I look fabulous!”

I rolled my eyes, and I thought for a second she was about to hit me again. “It is somewhat hard to explain, as you don’t really have anything analogous to a farm animal here. In my world, horses—and by extension, ponies—are barn animals: Stupid, smelly, somewhat dangerous farm animals.” She looked rather indignant at that, and started to form a reply, when I continued. “I know you aren’t. Well, most of you aren’t. Intellectually, I know that. But I would never have sex with an animal, and I would never be attracted to one. It takes some effort to get me willing to even think about a pony that way. Hell, I don’t imagine any of you find me overly attractive, either.”

She couldn’t really argue that, and I don’t think she wanted to think about it anymore. I had given her a rather new perspective. She changed the subject with, “Since I haven’t had any big orders, I’ve had a bit of free time. Do you have any reading suggestions? It has been a while since I opened a book.”

We had a considerably friendlier discussion about books until Applejack and Rainbow Dash showed up. Rarity grabbed a few of the books I suggested and left before much was said between them.

“So Nav, how you feeling?” Applejack asked.

“Better. Not saying much when you were minutes from death, but it’s the truth. I still feel terrible.”

“Good!” Rainbow Dash said. At my look, she amended, “Er, that you’re feeling better. Not that you’re still feeling bad. When Pinkie told us how you were, we were all pretty worried… I mean, I knew you’d just shrug it off, but you know how Rarity worries.”

“Uh huh,” Applejack said, staring at Rainbow. “Way I remember it, you tried rushing off to Canterlot as soon as you heard.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I tried to visit, but Princess Celestia wouldn’t let anypony in to see you. I wasn’t going to let him just sit in a hospital bed all alone. So Nav, what’s the damage?” I swept the cover from my wings and Rainbow Dash flinched. Applejack let out a low whistle.

“If you think this is bad, you should have seen me before. I wasn’t awake for the first week, so I don’t know how bad it was then, but when I finally woke up, my entire body still looked and felt leathery. Hurt like a bitch, too. I’m alive, though, and that’s all that matters.”

“How’s Taya doin’?” Applejack asked. “I know she had to be feelin’ pretty bad…”

“She’s also doing much better. As soon as I woke up, I talked to her. She helped with the healing, to try to learn more magic.”

Rainbow Dash suddenly grabbed my head and jerked it to her face. She eyed the top of it suspiciously. “Why is your mane growing in green?”

“…What?”

Applejack took a look. “Now that you mention it, it does look greenish. How could healing cause that?”

Just then, it hit me that no one had ever tried taking the life force of a tree before. There was no telling what kind of surprises I had in store… “That’s one of the side effects of one of the procedures the princesses had to do to keep me alive. An untested procedure, apparently, because they didn’t mention this.”

“One of the side effects? What are the others?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“An incredibly long life, for one. I don’t know about any others. I wasn’t expecting the hair, that’s for sure.”

“How long?” Applejack asked.

“Around a thousand years.”

“That’s…” Applejack began, and faltered.

“AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash finished. Not quite what Applejack was going to say, I’m sure. “Do you think they could do that for me?”

“I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone. I’ve talked to Celestia and Luna both for a long time about the pros and cons of living that long. From their descriptions, long life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Well yeah, if you’re a princess! But you have no responsibilities, Nav. You can do whatever you want for all that time and never have to worry. I know if I lived that long, I would join the Wonderbolts and spend the rest of my life learning newer and better tricks! It would be so cool…” Applejack just stared at her with a half-smile before shaking her head.

She said, “If I was forced to live like that, I don’t think I’d spend all my life apple farming. I like it, but there’s so much more to life… Either way, I don’t think I’d want that kind of long life.”

“Me either,” I said. “But I’m stuck with it. And as to responsibilities? Do you really think Celestia is going to stop getting me to do stuff just because I won’t die anytime soon? And the more I help her, the more she’ll trust me. With that trust comes more and more responsibilities. And don’t think I can tell the princess no. A thousand years is a long time to be locked up.”

“I don’t think she would ever lock you up, Nav,” Rainbow Dash said.

I waved that away. “She probably wouldn’t lock you up either. Do you still want to try telling her no when she asks you to do something?”

“She probably wouldn’t ask me to do something dangerous!”

“It’s a moot point anyway. I’ve already promised her my help in whatever she needs in a few years.”

“Now, I trust the princess with all my heart. But are you sure that’s smart?” Applejack asked. “Whatever she needs is a pretty broad subject.”

“She knows I’m not a servant. Or at least, not a common servant. I don’t think she’ll have me wasting my time. And at least living in the palace will be pretty nice. This tree gets a bit drafty.”

“So does the palace, if you mess with the wrong ponies…” Rainbow Dash muttered. Louder, she said, “You have only yourself to blame if Luna—” I held up a hand to forestall her and cocked my head to the side.

We waited a second like that. Applejack said, “What?”

“I thought I heard something,” I said.

And then the window exploded, bringing in a flying and shrieking Pinkie Pie. She collided with Applejack and Rainbow Dash both, somehow, and managed to knock just about every single book off the shelves.

“Another window…” I sighed. “Twilight’s going to be pissed.” Of course, none of the three of them were harmed in the slightest. “What the fuck kind of cartoon world do I live in?” I asked. “Am I the only one here that ever gets hurt?”

Instead of answering, Applejack said, “Nice of you to drop in, Pinkie. Now would you mind gettin’ offa me?!”

“Oh, sorry!” They all got up. “That was fun! Your sister and her friends sure can build!”

“What were they building, a trebuchet?” I asked.

“I don’t know, but it looked neat. I just sat down and Sweetie Belle accidentally hit a lever when she turned her head. Next thing I know, I’m flying.” I just shook my head. “So how are you, Nav? You weren’t doing so well the last time I saw you…”

“The last time you saw me, you screamed in horror. That’s actually the last thing I remember before I blacked out. Now I’m doing a bit better. And I’m not as horrifying to look at, just back to my mostly typical human self.”

“With a green mane,” Applejack added.

“And with a thousand extra years of life,” Rainbow Dash said.

“A green mane? How did that happen?” Oh, Pinkie Pie…

“Blame the princesses. That’s what happens when you let them do experimental procedures.”

“Well, you’re alive, and that’s all that counts! I saw Taya and Twilight earlier, helping Fluttershy. I’m glad Taya’s doing good, too. I know if I almost killed my dad… Well, I’m glad I didn’t.”

“Speaking of which, how did your family handle that?”

“They were alright. My parents were worried, of course. And after you were taken away, my mom was horrified at what happened to my room. My sisters were terrified of Taya after that. The naga that’s living with them is actually the reason you’re still alive. He risked his life to go down the well to get Twilight.” I thought it likely that he grabbed my dagger and used that to keep himself safe, but whatever. It was nice of him, anyway.

Just then, the fillies showed up, chasing down Pinkie Pie. They asked after her and my health and all that. I didn’t mention my long life to them. We all had a decent conversation before Twilight and Taya came back.

“So what happened to my window this time, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked as she walked in, crunching on broken glass.

“Hey, don’t look at me!” said an indignant Rainbow Dash.

“So whose fault was it?”

Pinkie Pie pointed at Sweetie Belle. Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle, and Applejack pointed at Pinkie Pie. Applebloom for some reason pointed at me. Scootaloo pointed at Sweetie Belle.

“General consensus says Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said. “So Pinkie Pie, what happened to my window this time?”

“Traitors,” she muttered, and then said, “Oh, you know how it is, Twilight. I just wanted to drop in on Navarone, see how he was doing.”

“And my window?”

“I dropped in, like I said.”

“Uh huh. And the books?” We all looked at Pinkie Pie again, making sure the blame stayed on her.

“Dropping in is hard work. Sometimes you don’t plan it right and you end up everywhere!”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t know how you managed to knock all these books loose…”

“And I don’t know why you make us pick them up by hand if you can pick orchards of apples and move thousands of torches by magic in an instant,” I said, at least making a token effort to defend her.

Twilight opened her mouth. And then closed it.

A few minutes later, the room was clean. Before those few minutes were up, I was already gone. I slipped out the door while everyone was watching things fly about.

As I headed to Fluttershy’s little house, I put the covering back over my wings. I really didn’t want to do this, but I knew I had to.

I did get a few stares from random ponies on the way to Fluttershy’s home. Most of the ponies here were getting used to me, and seeing me wearing what I was, and with no hair to boot, got a few of them confused. I got a few questions, which I answered, but I didn’t mention the whole effectively immortal thing.

When I finally got to Fluttershy’s house, I found myself stopping in front of her door, one hand raised to knock. When I knock on that door, everything might change. Again.

I knocked.

No answer. I turned to go.

And found Fluttershy standing behind me. I jumped.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to knock,” she said, smiling.

“You could have saved me the wait,” I answered, trying to cover my nervousness.

“I didn’t want to startle you...” She pushed past me and somehow opened the door. I swear, I don’t think the doorknobs do anything in this world, that they’re just there for show; all the ponies have to do is push a door and it opens. Whenever I try that, though, I have to actually turn the knob. Freaking crazy world. I shut the door behind me.

“So,” I said, “I’m going to start with the baseline assumption that you detest me now. That’s quite alright, I assure you.”

“Why would you think that?” she quietly asked, sitting down on her couch. Various animals around the room were staring at us. I saw Angel amongst the group, who alternated his gaze between me and a large knife on a table. For salad, I suppose. Or for me, if it came down to it.

I settled into a military-style at-ease pose. “That’s the general assumption I have whenever I tell anyone anything about me.”

“You are not terrible, Nav. But… you also aren’t good, as I used to think. You are what you need to be, good or bad or neither.” I waited. She eventually continued. “When you told me some of what you’ve done, I assumed you were trying to scare me away to protect me. And then I started reading. I didn’t know how to take it. I went to Pinkie Pie, the only one who I thought could help me. I told her some things I shouldn’t have… But she urged me to keep reading. I thought you loved me, thought were trying to protect me…”

There was a much longer pause this time. Finally, she sighed. “You don’t know how to feel anything,” she finally said. “No love in your heart. No loyalty. No hate. You have anger, happiness, and ambivalence. You have a sense of duty, but it is only to whatever helps you.”

That actually… hurts. I opened my mouth to say something, but she continued. “When I brought this up with Rainbow Dash, as you told me to, she actually agreed. And when Pinkie Pie got back and got over the shock of seeing you almost dead, she also agreed, with the reproof that you might be changing. I talked to Taya and Twilight today, and they’re the only two I’ve spoken to that think you have anything inside of you. And Twilight said the change is only recent, when I got her away from Taya for a second.” She paused again, and continued. “It took me a whole week of studying your journals to figure that out. If you had come back sooner… Well, you didn’t.”

Fuck it. “You are mostly correct. I also know despair. And dealing with Taya is reawakening some of the emotions in me that I thought long dead. And I’d like to think my loyalty is better than you say. I helped Pinkie Pie with her naga problem when I could have left. I helped Celestia the second time when I could have said no. I helped Rarity with her fashion stuff when I could have told her to fuck off. Hell, I’ve done most of the things you’ve all asked me to do. Complaining a lot, sure. But I did them.”

“You’re good at pretending. I picked up on some comments you made in your journals that gave your true opinions on the matter. When I pointed some of the comments out to Rainbow Dash, she actually started to agree.”

“Fine. So you don’t hate me. But at the same time you realize I don’t feel anything. Where does that leave us?”

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Nav,” she said, looking away.

“...About what?” I asked, actually confused.

“For you. You’re so hurt inside that you’re dead.” She looked back at me. “But this wasn’t something that happened while you were in Equestria. Nav, what happened in your world?”

"I don't want to talk about it."

“Please, Nav! As your friend, I want to know. I want to help you, help you feel again!”

Ugh. “You betrayed my secrets once, Fluttershy. Why should I give you any others?”

She flinched and looked away. “Nav, you… you need help. From anypony. Even if it’s not me…” She looked at me again. “Will you… will you at least promise me that you’ll tell somepony?”

I sighed and said, “You know, I used to be a lot like you. So kind, so helpful…” I waited a few seconds to see if she would try to say something, but she just waited patiently. “It is so very, very hard for people like that to survive where I came from. There are people that aren’t dicks. But those that are prey on you. Use you. And use you up. I thought I had so much kindness to give… I ran out.”

“You’ve lived with us three years, and yet you’re still so alien… You’ve told us about your world, but I don’t think any of us ever really listened. It’s a horrible place, if it has done this to you.”

“Here in Ponyville… I haven’t seen any ponies like that. You don’t have to worry about running out of kindness. I did. I learned it, and once I figured it out… There’s no going back. Fluttershy, I refuse to risk stealing too much of your kindness. I don’t know if you’re like me or if you could ever give up like I did, but I’m not going to find out.”

She looked away again and nodded, as if she expected nothing else. She probably didn’t, and I can’t blame her. “I’m sorry for you, Nav. I know you probably don’t understand why, but I am.” I like to think I understood perfectly why, but I really don’t.

So I said, “What now?”

She sighed and looked back at me. “We’re friends. Maybe you’ll make Luna happy one day. We’ll all help you with Taya, but Luna is something you’ll have to figure out on your own.”

All in all, not what I was expecting. Especially not from Fluttershy. But that’s life. You get what you get and there’s not much else to say about that.

“Where are my journal entries, anyway?” I asked.

She slowly walked over to the bookcase that magically reappeared when I wasn’t looking and took a binder down, bringing it over to me. “I hid them in here so nopony would accidentally see anything.”

“Awesome,” I said, popping it open and grabbing the secretive contents within. “Now that I know I can’t trust any of you, I’ll have to find somewhere better to hide these.”

“Can’t trust us?”

“You told Pinkie Pie what was in here. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both read through them while I was away. I’d say that’s a pretty good sign I can’t trust you. Maybe I’ll hide them with Celestia. Nobody would break into her room. And hell, she’s the one with the best chance of finding a way to get them home to my family if the worst happens.”

“I… I thought you weren’t that close to your family.”

“They deserve to have some answers. I was in bed and then I vanished. If anyone was in the house when I did disappear, I freaked them out when I was screaming. Probably thought I was being kidnapped. Which I was. But they should learn what happened so they can stop worrying.”

She nodded at that. “So you do have some heart.”

“I tend to do what I think is the right thing. It isn’t always the best thing or the most popular thing, but in my mind, it is the right thing. I don’t know if that means I have a heart or not. Probably not, since that occasionally requires me to kill.”

“Killing is never the right thing to do, though! Don’t you remember how you felt when you… killed the naga?”

“They would have died anyway. And there was a possibility they’d get to kill some of the naga on our side before they did so. I just sped up the process a bit.” Having said that, though, I honestly don’t know how the naga on my side would have dealt with the women and children I killed. Thankfully, Fluttershy didn’t bring that up.

“And the cats you killed?”

“It was them or me. I don’t ask you to excuse what I’ve done. I feel bad about having to do it, but I would do it all again. All the deaths at my hand were necessary.”

“…Calix?”

I flinched slightly. “He was… dangerous.” He’s the only one I ever had doubts about.

“You murdered him in the middle of a desert and made his death look like bandits, just so you could get a minor advantage over the king.”

“He had threatened me and Emerald Script. He had beaten at least one defenseless pony. And both Emerald Script’s and Calix’s death were planned by Celestia herself anyway. I was just a belated executioner. There’s no telling what trouble he could have caused for me or Celestia in Egypt, and if he screwed up I would have been heading back there to fix his mistake. He was a jerk, he was dangerous, and he is dead. Talking won’t change that.”

“But it might prevent it from happening again. If you’re going to live as long as you think, how likely is it that you’ll be called upon to help the princess again?”

“Fairly damn likely. I think she’ll trust me more, though. Probably enough to tell me if she actually wants me to kill someone.”

“And what if you kill somepony that she doesn’t want you to?”

“The chances of that happening will hopefully be low. Besides, I’m pretty sure anyone—or rather, any pony—that I kill will be someone she’ll be able to agree needs to die. And if not, well, we’ll see what’ll happen.”

“You shouldn’t rely on the possibility of Princess Luna still loving you to save you. She might hate you for what you did.”

“I’m not relying on that at all. I’m relying on my natural charm and good looks.”

She snorted at that.

I said, “I’m a bad influence on you. You used to be a lot nicer. And shyer.” Hell, I’m a bad influence on all of them.

“Reading your journals was… therapeutic. It helped me to know that it’s possible to be scared and still act.”

“Only an idiot isn’t afraid of scary things. Courage is the ability to overlook that fear and do what needs to be done anyway. Another word for courage is stupidity.”

“So what does that make you?” she asked coyly.

“Whatever the situation calls for, I suppose. Generally, I have no choice but to be brave. I had to face down Trixie because Twilight needed my help. I had to kill the naga to help Pinkie Pie. I had to go to Africa the first time because Celestia demanded it. I had to help the slaves because they would have killed Spike otherwise. I had to go back to Africa because Celestia needed me. And I had to fight the assassins because they would have killed me otherwise.”

“You always have an excuse, don’t you?”

“Not always, but I do my best to come up with them as I can.”

We talked for a bit on inconsequential matters. When I finally got up to go, she surprised me with a hug. “You might not be able to love, now,” she said, “but I hope you learn one day.” She let me go.

“I hope I do, too. I have at least a thousand years to learn, if all goes well.”

“If you ever need to talk about anything, Nav, come to me. Please. I know you’re… I know it’s hard for you to trust anypony. But… We want to help you.”

“...I know, Fluttershy. I’ll see you later.” She just watched me leave without another word. I had a feeling that if I looked back, I might well see tears in her eyes.

I learned a long time ago to never look back.

After finally extricating myself from Fluttershy’s humble abode, I headed off to Rarity’s shop. The clothes I had been wearing in the fire were one of my better sets, and I wanted them replaced. I also needed a new sheath for the naga knife, if possible. I don’t know why I didn’t ask her before, but sometimes my memory fails me.

When I entered the shop, I looked in and immediately stopped after a step and a half inside, foot still in the air. Rarity and Applejack stared at me with a deer-in-the-headlight look. They were both wearing the frilliest and gaudiest dresses I have ever seen, and they were sitting down for what looked like tea. I returned the stare for all of a few seconds.

I slowly reversed the direction my foot was heading and silently backed out of the shop, maintaining eye contact until the door was shut. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Applejack hates wearing things like that, if you couldn’t tell. I resolved to knock the next time I came to the shop, in a few days.

With that option being currently blocked, I headed on back to the library, where I found Pinkie Pie watching Taya and Twilight practice some manner of magic or something. I started replacing journal entries while I thought no one was looking. I figured they would be fine there until I could get them to a safer place.

Around a week later, I was finally able to tell for myself that my hair was coming in green. My feathers were coming in white, of course, but the hair on my head was green. Around the time I was able to start noticing my hair, I also stopped getting hungry, for the most part. I was still thirsty, of course, but I rarely felt the pangs of hunger.

Most animals also completely stopped noticing me. Those that could talk—ponies, dragons, and a few naga visitors on their way to Canterlot—could see me fine. Exceptionally intelligent animals, like Angel, could also find me. But to the dumber ones, I might as well have been a tree.

I also stopped sleeping entirely. I still occasionally got tired, mind, but never enough to sleep. Any time I got some decent sunlight, I felt fully replenished again.

At that time, it was late August. Celestia, Twilight, and I all theorized that my hair would start changing colors in September and October, and I would start getting tired again. They predicted I would go bald come winter, but I was staying optimistic.

Around the time my hair was finally more than noticeable—about half a month after I left the palace—I was still feeling pretty down about the whole affair. Understandably so, in my mind—alive for… a thousand years. Think about it. Just… think. It is a terrifying thought, in my mind, that length of time.

Luna did it—alone. Celestia did it. Hell, I’m sure others have as well. But… me? I couldn’t help but shake my head as I walked through town. I don’t want to live like that. I can’t imagine living knowing there might not be an end. Maybe things will get be—“Why so glum?”

I jerked back from the massive pink face that was suddenly in my way. How did you get on my head?

Pinkie jumped off me and landed on her feet in front of me and quickly grabbed my upper body and pulled it down to her level so she could look me in the eye. “Well?” she asked with the beginnings of a smile.

“I’m thinking,” I answered. I tried to pull myself back up, but she didn’t let go. “How are you holding onto my shirt? I couldn’t do shit like that as a pony.”

She finally let me go and I stood up straight. I saw then that the road we were on was somehow empty. It was also getting pretty late, and I suspected it would be dark soon. “P-shaw!” she said, waving her hoof and putting on an incredulous look. “Thinking is overrated, you silly filly!”

“I’m not silly,” I said.

“You need to be like me!”

“And I’m older than you.” Or at least, I think I am. How old are these ponies, anyway?

“Just come with me and let all those nasty thoughts slip away!”

“I’m also not a girl, so filly doesn’t even apply.”

She grabbed me again and tried to drag me off somewhere. I flared my barren wings out and dug my heels in.

“I’m fine, Pinkie,” I said.

She turned to face me again. “Nuh-uh!”

“Yes I am.”

“No you aren’t!”

“Yes, I am.”

“No you aren’t!”

“Yes I am!”

“Yes, you are!” she quickly said. I blinked.

“Good, then we’ve come to an agreement.” Her mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. Even her grip went slack. I walked around her and kept going on the path I had been treading.

I heard her walking—not bouncing, but walking—behind me. “How did you… What did… Huh?”

“You agreed with me so I felt no reason to continue the discourse,” I answered. “Or did you actually need something?” I asked, turning to face her again. I saw her looking incredibly confused for all of a moment before her habitual smile returned. She bounced up to me again.

“You need a party!” she said, her voice cheerful again.

“I disagree,” I answered. “Is the sane Pinkie there? I would like to talk to her.”

Her smile deepened as she shook her head. “Just me!” she replied. “And you can never disagree with a Pinkie Party!” Her smile dropped and she stood on her hind legs to stare me in the eye, one of hers closing and the other seeming to zoom in on me. “They’ll always find you!” she added, her voice going pretty deep for a second. She dropped back and her smile returned. “So make it easy on me and do this willingly!” she said, her voice back to cheery.

I spread my wings and jumped into the air, only to remember I didn’t have any feathers. She leapt at my legs and held me still before I could try to run. “HE’S CHOOSING THE HARD WAY!” she yelled out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Applejack and Rainbow Dash leap out of an alley. Applejack was whirling a rope around her head, holding it with her mouth.

Is that a fucking lasso?

She let it loose and I barely managed to duck under it. Somehow, it landed on Pinkie Pie, and before anyone knew what was happening, Pinkie got dragged past me and trussed up by Applejack, who promptly face-hoofed. “Dangit, Pinkie!” she groaned.

Rainbow Dash landed a few yards from me, standing in an attack mode. “Don’t make me do this, Nav,” she warned.

I held my hands up in a placating gesture. “Look, I don’t like parties, okay. But I’m not going to fucking fight you guys to avoid it. I know I can’t outrun you, Rainbow. Let Pinkie go and I’ll go with you.” I thought for a moment. “Actually, on second thought, don’t let Pinkie go and I’ll happily go with you.”

Rainbow Dash stood down, but I knew she was still prepared to chase me down if I tried to run. Applejack was untying Pinkie Pie, who was giving me a pleased look.

“Why would you just give up that easily?” Rainbow Dash finally asked.

I looked at her. “Rainbow Dash, you read my journals. You know how many times I’ve been…” My eyes flicked to Applejack for a moment. “Well, you know. Some things you just can’t fight and there’s no reason to even try. Just give in and hope it’s as painless as possible.”

Rainbow Dash gave me a pitying look before turning her gaze to Pinkie and Applejack. “He really doesn’t want to do this. I say we just let him go,” she said.

I saw a fire in Pinkie’s eyes. “I went through all the trouble to plan this party and he’s going to enjoy it!” she asserted, before running up to grab my hand again and dragging me off. I sighed and let her take me away. Applejack and Rainbow Dash followed and I imagined they were sharing a look.

When I saw that Pinkie Pie was leading me to a fucking cellar, I ground my heels in and refused to move. “Hell no! Not after last time!” I yelled, ripping my hand away from her and turning to leave.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash casually grabbed my arms and continued dragging me. “You know I don’t lie,” Applejack said. “And I say it’s fine. Just an odd location, is all.”

I relaxed a bit. Applejack and Rainbow Dash would never do something like that to me. I thought the same of Rarity and Pinkie, though… Besides, I’m human right now anyway. They’re not attracted to my human body… Right?

“Alright,” I said. “You can stop dragging me.” I felt their legs drop from my sides and I turned to see the cellar door already open. “Whose house is this, anyway?” I cocked my head, hearing something coming up from the stairs. “And… what’s that sound?”

It sounded… mesmerizing. Like nothing I had heard in this world yet… Techno. I started smiling.

Pinkie’s smile returned when she saw mine. “This isn’t your typical Pinkie Party,” she said. She led the way down the stairs and I followed her. Applejack and Rainbow Dash fell in behind me and one of them swung the cellar gates closed. When I got in, I heard the music pick up again. When the doors closed, I heard a cheer as the music really kicked up. When we got to the bottom, I saw a sight I thought I would never see in Ponyland: Fucking ravers!

The smile on my face could mimic Pinkie’s on a bad day. I had always wanted to go to a human rave, just once, to see what it was all about. I didn’t figure a pony rave would have all the drugs and naked (human) chicks, but ponies tend to make do with what they have.

That said, I can’t dance and I really don’t like being in the center of attention, so I knew exactly what I would be doing this entire party: Watching from the sidelines.

Then I realized I came here with Pinkie Pie, and that this party was apparently thrown for me. This is going to be interesting.

Pinkie Pie was saying something about the DJ. I heard her saying something about trying to get someone named Scratch, but that she was planning for something huge and couldn’t take a break from it. So instead they got a few other people to sub in. The one playing right now was apparently DJ Scoots, or something. I looked at him and I don’t think he had any relation to Scootaloo.

He was playing the board pretty well, though. Got my head nodding to the beat, that’s for sure. I don’t know where Applejack and Rainbow Dash wandered off to, but when I checked, they weren’t behind me anymore. It was just Pinkie and me on the edge of a large crowd of dancing ponies. I saw a ‘bar’ type thing set up on one side of the cellar. There were different colored lights hooked to the ceiling, and with the thump of the music and the thump of the hoof beats on the floor from the dancing, they were strobing quite a bit.

The DJ was set up at the far end of the cellar that seemed to be quite a bit larger than physically possible. There were two massive speakers set up to the sides of the table, and there was some manner of board or something the DJ was playing on—I couldn’t tell from where I was.

Pinkie Pie was still trying to drag me, but I put up all the stops this time. There was no way she was going to drag me onto that floor. I would pull out my dagger and cut off my arm before I let that happen. I would explain that to her, but she wouldn’t be able to hear me—or would pretend to not hear me.

So I ripped my hand from her grasp. It was a lot harder than it should have been, what with her not having any fingers. I backed my way up to a wall and stood there watching.

Pinkie followed, because she’s annoying like that. She gave me a look of pure sadness. I motioned her forward. She came up. I bent down and pulled her head close to mine. “I don’t dance,” I said. I made sure it was loud enough for her to hear me.

She pulled her head away and glared at me. I shrugged. She pointed to the dance floor. I shook my head with a small smile. She glared for two seconds before sprinting away. And here… we… go! I knew I hadn’t seen the end of her, but at the same time I still loved the party. I love watching stuff like this, for some reason.

I also really loved the music. It had been a long time since I heard music this heavy in my chest. I felt the drop in the song I was listening to and couldn’t help but smile: This music sounded eerily similar to some stuff I had heard back home. Ponies couldn’t make music the same as we had, but they could do some interesting stuff. I knew some of those beats had to be done by magic, but this Scoots fellow wasn’t a unicorn.

I was crowd watching when I saw Derpy and Doctor Whooves. Derpy had a pretty big gap around her, since everyone knows what happens when she does anything dance-like: Bad things. They were still doing their best to dance together, with interesting results. Wonder how that timid stallion ended up down here. I know he had gotten better, since Derpy had been working with him. And maybe he listened to my advice and manned up a bit. I hadn’t really dealt much with him since I got him that date; we still talked every now and then, but nothing much came of it. Derpy still gave me muffins every now and then, which was nice.

I was looking somewhere else when I saw Lyra and Bon-Bon. Bon-Bon was obviously a little uncomfortable, but Lyra was living this up. I ended up having several more encounters with those two over the years. I listened to Lyra’s music quite a bit in the park, whenever I wandered by and saw her playing. I listened to their problems and helped when I could and gave them a shoulder to cry on when I couldn’t. I discovered just how disturbingly fascinated Lyra was with fingers one day, but she never tried anything untoward, so I didn’t say anything.

I saw Rainbow Dash and Applejack dancing somewhere else. I didn’t figure this was much Applejack’s kind of scene, but I’ve misjudged people—and ponies—in the past. I saw Twilight and Spike dancing away in another spot. Twilight… God, she’s a terrible dancer. Like, think of the whitest person you know. Twilight is even worse at dancing. It’s almost painful to watch. Still, if she has fun, she has fun. I figured if Spike was with her, that meant Rarity was not here. This was definitely not her scene. It wasn’t Fluttershy’s either, so there was no surprise I didn’t see her.

I was rather surprised to see the Cutie Mark Crusaders dancing, though. All three of them were busting moves on the dance floor. I saw that Scootaloo had her scooter for some reason, and was using it to accentuate her dancing. I can’t imagine what Rarity would think if she knew Sweetie Belle was at this kind of party.

What I was surprised at not seeing anywhere was Pinkie Pie. I knew she was going to make a move to get me on the floor, but I didn’t know what exactly she was planning.

I looked over at the bar. I know they don’t have booze. I know about salt, and I don’t see any. Do… Do ponies have other drugs? Note to self: Don’t take any sugar cubes offered to me. I hate being drugged. Although… I suppose since ponies can get extreme sugar highs, the bar probably has all kind of sugar stuff. Wonder if they have any caffeine… After so long, I could probably get just a little bit of that stuff and crash after a terribly hyper night.

I closed my eyes and crouched down, letting my head just nod to the beat. It might have been a party for me, but I was enjoying it the way I knew how.

It was about half an hour before Pinkie made her first try: She sent Twilight over to me. Don’t ask how I know Pinkie did it, because she wasn’t so naïve as to show her hand in it. But I just knew. After all, if I was dancing with Twilight, no one would be able to comment on how badly I was dancing.

I didn’t see her coming, but when I felt a bubble of magic surround me, I opened my eyes to see her looking at me with a massive smile. The music and noise from outside was muffled in the bubble she made. “Why aren’t you dancing, Nav?” she asked.

“Who’s watching Taya?”

“Taya is practically an adult, as mature as she is. I don’t think she needs anypony watching her. Now, why aren’t you dancing?”

“I don’t dance to stuff like this,” I said with a shrug.

“But you don’t mind ballroom dancing.”

“I don’t particularly like it either, but I didn’t have much choice in the matter when it came to learning it.”

She rolled her eyes. “I read your journals, Nav. I know you enjoy it.”

I couldn’t hide a grin. “Either way, that’s ballroom dancing. Nothing at all like this. Ballroom dancing has order. This… this is not my element.”

“I thought you loved dancing to tunes you don’t know,” she commented.

“I’m not as young as I used to be,” I said, sighing wistfully. “I miss those days.”

She shook her head. “Not much has really changed, you know,” she said.

“Aside from me getting a daughter and learning I’m going to outlive her and just about everyone else I know in this world?”

She blinked. “Well, I suppose a little has changed. But this party is for you, Nav. No reason to spend it against the wall.”

I smiled lazily. “That’s where I belong, Twilight,” I answered.

“What about Pinkie?” she asked.

“What about her? She threw this party for me, didn’t she?”

“She sure did,” Twilight answered. “And if you don’t have fun, she’s going to be hurt.”

“I am having fun, Twilight. I don’t like being the center of attention, and you bet your ass that’s what would happen if I got on that dance floor. Everyone would make room for the human and a lot of them would be watching. I get watched enough. I don’t feel like giving them another reason.”

She gave me a smile I could only describe as creepy. “I could turn you into a pony for the night,” she said.

“Pass. You know I hate being a pony. There are a few reasons I’m willing to do that. Dancing is not one of them. Hell, I’m uncoordinated enough as a pony. Trying to dance to this would probably end up with me on the floor.”

I think she was beginning to get a bit flustered. “I can’t just leave you against the wall!”

“Sure you can,” I said. “I’m fine here. I like the music and I like watching the crowd. I might hit up the bar later, see what they have.”

Her gaze turned that way and her mouth dropped. “I didn’t even see that! I wonder if…” She shuddered and turned her gaze back to me. “I suggest avoiding that bar, Nav,” she said. “I’ve never been to… to one of these parties before, but I know it’s best to stay clean if you do.”

“Oh, now I’m interested. What do they have? Some kind of pony drug?”

“Well, aside from the obvious salt, they probably have some extra-strength sugar. They might even…” She gulped. “They might even mix sugar and salt!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Twilight, that shit doesn’t affect me. Unless they have booze or E or something, I’ll be fine.”

“…E?”

“Human party drug. That shit is wild. Let’s just say that it would make you loosen up right quick. Shame I never got any back home…” I bet I could find shrooms, though. And I did see some plants growing in the forest that might have been weed…

She looked at me with a bit of concern. “You would actually willingly do something like that?” Her voice rang with a bit of horror.

I blinked. “You ain’t lived until you try everything once,” I answered.

The smile was back on her face. Oh, shit. “Well, why don’t you come on down to the dance floor, then?”

Time for lies. “I’ve tried it in the past,” I said. “It’s not for me, like I said.” I shrugged. “I ain’t going.”

She glared at me and stormed off.

I settled back again.

The next attempt came ten minutes later. It was Spike. He looked at me. I looked at him. I shook my head. He shrugged.

I held up my fist. He bumped it.

He went back to the floor.

I swear I heard Pinkie howling in frustration.

Wait, that is howling… but it’s not Pinkie.

I heard the music start to wind down. The DJ pulled up a mic. “A’ight, mares and stallions, my set is UP!” There was a general chorus of boos until Scoots held up his front legs for silence. “I ain’t gonna leave you hanging. You may hear that howling. That’s the sound of the next DJ making her way to the stage.” The cellar doors burst open and a dark mist flew through them. What the dick? It flew through and around the crowd, finally starting to coalesce at the DJ table. “Many of you might have met this crazy mare in the past. Some of you know her by a different name. Meet the dark and mysterious ruler of the night, Princess Luna herself!”

The dark mist finally gained a definite shape—a shape that was much larger than Luna. But before I could discern any features, the form shrank down to Luna’s regular size. That’s… unexpected. She pulled up a mic of her own. “Beat it, Scoots. This is my party.” It was good natured and the crowd loved it.

Without another word she conjured up a dusty record player. There were groans in the audience. She raised an eyebrow. “You don’t like my dusty old music?” she mocked. With a grin and a glow of her horn she turned that dusty record player into a massive fucking turn table. The audience cheered. Her horn glowed for a second and the music started.

My mouth dropped. She was… No. Fucking. Way. She was playing Ride of the Valkyries! The ponies in the crowd were staring up at her like she was an idiot.

Until the fucking beat dropped. She fucking remixed Ride of the Valkyries!

Well, this night just turned completely badass. After that song, she played a remixed In the Hall of the Mountain King. Then she hit several songs I didn’t know but were all classical.

I don’t know how Pinkie got Princess Luna here.

I don’t know how Princess Luna learned to DJ.

I don’t know how Princess Luna knew songs from Earth.

I do know that shit was cash, as I’ve heard said back home. Shit was so cash. And if you don’t know what that means, well, you shouldn’t be reading these journals anyway, you dick.

Then Pinkie had to ruin it with another attempt to get me on the floor. I turned my head to the side and saw Rarity sitting next to me. Tonight is just full of surprises. I turned my head back to the crowd as I felt another bubble surround us.

“Navarone, I don’t suppose you would be willing to escort a lady to the dance floor,” she said.

I turned back to face her. “If you can find me a lady, I might be,” I answered with a bit of a smirk.

She gave me a look of pure malevolence. I saw someone in the crowd eyeing us and I motioned him over. He was picking his way through the crowd when Rarity dropped her look and said, “Then I don’t suppose you would deign to join me?”

“I don’t dance to stuff like this,” I answered. “As I’m sure Pinkie Pie told you when she put you up to this.”

She blushed slightly. Man, ponies are just absolute shit at lying. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!” she said. “And if you can’t take me onto the dance floor, I’m afraid I just can’t go! It just wouldn’t do for a lady of my standing to go alone, unescorted!”

Enter Spike. “He’s free,” I said, nodding to him.

Spike beamed. Rarity looked at him. After a moment she put on a small smile and turned back to me. “Fine. Since you refuse to be a gentle-stallion, I shall make one out of Spike! Come along, dear!” she said, grabbing him and dragging him off to the floor.

Spike held up a fist as he was dragged away and I met it in the air. Of course, that leaves Twilight alone, but I don’t think she’ll notice.

Either way, this time I know I heard a shriek of frustration somewhere. I couldn’t stop a smile.

Half an hour and no attempts later, Pinkie herself came out and sat next to me. She let out a deep sigh that I could barely hear over the remix of Waltz of the Flowers. I didn’t say anything.

I felt something fit around my ear. “You’re tough to crack,” I heard Pinkie say, as though from a great distance. I jerked and turned my head to see a funnel from her mouth to where my ear had been. She motioned me closer. After a moment of thought, I did so. “Tough to crack… But I’ll give you one more chance. Dance with me and I’ll forget you ever tried to fight this party. Refuse, and… Well, I don’t want to break you. But I will.”

I grabbed the funnel thingy and put the big hole up to her ear. “Make my day,” I answered with a smile.

She looked at me with the biggest grin on her face. She raised her head a little and brought her hoof across her throat slowly. With that, she stood and bounced off, leaving me the funnel thing. I think it might be time for me to call it a night. I stood to go and wandered to the cellar doors, only to find they were barred. “Now that’s a serious fire hazard,” I mused aloud. I went to the bar.

I sat on a stool and looked for a menu. I sure didn’t see one. The bartender came over to me and said, very clearly, “Host said to give you nothin’. Said you had to stay sober for some reason.” He shrugged. “Seems cruel and unusual to me, but she’s payin’.” He pointed me to the floor. I shrugged and headed back to my spot on the wall, only to find it occupied by a couple. I turned and looked. All of the spots were either occupied or were too awkwardly close to a couple to be claimed.

Clever girl…

I made my way back to the bar. He couldn’t give me anything, but nothing says I can’t si—the bar was full. Huh.

I looked back at the dance floor. It was still pretty packed. I looked at the walls. Covered in couples. I looked at the bar. No empty stool. “How many ponies are down here?” I asked no one in particular.

Now, as the only human anywhere in this world, I’m pretty damn noticeable. I’m sure the word has spread that I was here as soon I stepped in the door. I’m sure most of the people knew I was against the wall, chilling. And now they all saw me just… awkwardly standing there. What’re my options?

I couldn’t hit the wall. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t hit the bar. I refused to hit the dance floor because I wasn’t about to let Pinkie win. I looked around one more time. I saw the DJ stand and smiled. Thank you, Luna!

I picked my way around the couples on the wall and got to the front of the cellar. It was quite a bit louder up here, without the mass of ponies blocking the sound. I sat against the speaker. My ears would be feeling it come morning—and all next week, as it turned out—but I was doing good.

Until I felt another field of magic dim the music and I saw Luna’s head bend down from the stand. “There had better be a good reason you aren’t enjoying my… beats… Nav,” she said.

I turned to her. “Luna, this is probably one of the most badass things I’ve seen you do so far. I love it. I just don’t dance to stuff like this.” I shrugged. “Pinkie has been trying to get me to all night. She chased me all the way up here. Thankfully, I know you wouldn’t force me to do something like that.”

She smiled and pulled her head back. With her went the magic field.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? I shrugged and went back to enjoying the tunes.

Two songs later and her set ended. She played herself off with an insanely remixed version of the national anthem of the Soviet Union.

I almost cried from the awesomeness. It’s a damn shame none of those ponies in the crowd had any idea what it was. When the last notes rang away, the crowd burst into cheers in the newly made silence. Luna raised her hooves for silence and it gradually returned. For having a rocky start, she had an awesome end.

“I believe my time with you is at an end, ponies of Ponyville,” she said, her voice ringing out through the speakers. The crowd groaned and booed. She raised her hooves and it died down quickly. “My sister likes to keep me busy with princess duties, so I fear I have to return to Canterlot. Don’t think I won’t leave you in good hooves; DJ Pinks, make your way to the stage!” Oh hell no.

I looked to the crowd and didn’t see her. I looked back to the stage and—Yep, there’s Pinkie Pie shaking Luna’s hoof with a big ol’ smile. I saw Pinkie’s eyes catch mine, leaning out from behind the speakers. She winked. I slinked away from view. Time to catch a ride with a beautiful princess.

Thankfully, Luna decided to leave in a more mundane fashion, so I was able to grab her as she left the stand. We were enveloped with a field of magic as I pulled her over. “Can you get me out of here?” I asked.

She smiled at me. “This party is for you, planned by your friend! Why would you want to leave?”

“I don’t think anyone is watching Taya and the doors are barred. I want to check on her.” Her horn glowed. Fuck. “Oh come on, that’s all true!” The horn didn’t glow this time. Stupid horn.

She looked less than impressed at my lie. “So what’s the real reason you want to leave?”

I sighed. “Pinkie is going to try to make me dance and I don’t want to.”

Her horn didn’t glow. She looked at me like an idiot. “Did you try telling her no?”

“Yes.”

“I think I can take you away,” she said with a smile. “On one condition.” She paused for a second and leaned in close enough to whisper in my ear. “Let’s take a trip to the moon.”

I looked at her. She was definitely smiling. I shrugged. “Okay. It’s beautiful up there.” I put my hand on her side.

“That easy?” she asked, actually surprised. “If I had known, I would have asked sooner!” She blushed for a moment. “Well, maybe not. Not after what happened the last time I left the city without permission…” I had forgotten she was banished to the palace. Maybe she got a pass for tonight.

“If you’re going to get in trouble if you don’t get back, we can just go to Canterlot instead,” I said. “As long as I’m with you it doesn’t really matter where it is.” I can’t believe I just said that.

She beamed and threw her front legs around me. In a flash, we were on the moon. Well, at least I won’t get to see the rest of Pinkie’s scheme. I mean, Pinkie is good. But there’s no way in hell she can get to the moon. I put my arms around Luna, knowing it was expected.

“I feel bad about abandoning your third anniversary party,” Luna said, still holding me.

“Third anni—It is, isn’t it? I’ve been here three years. Time flies when someone’s trying to kill you.” Or get you killed.

I looked up to see the planet. Still an amazing sight. Still looks so much like Earth…

“It gets old,” Luna said. I looked back down to see her looking up. After a moment, she turned her face to me. “Looking up at it, I mean.”

“A lot of things can get old after so long,” I answered. But never you, is what I should say, but I already said too much.

She smiled as though she knew what I was thinking. “I know this is hard for you, Nav. So much has changed for you… And trying to romance something you once thought of as an animal of burden can’t be easy.” She pulled away from me, making sure I kept in contact with her, and sat us both down side by side. I put my arm around her. We just looked off into the expanse of the empty sky.

“Luna?” I said after a while.

“Yes, Navarone?” she said without looking up.

“Where did you learn to DJ like that?”

I saw her smiling. “You told me to visit the cities. To… ‘get over’ my fears. You mentioned that some cities in your world never sleep. The same is true here, as I learned. But… the ponies I found not sleeping were very different from what I was used to. But they were also much more willing to accept me than most other ponies were. I visited several… nightclubs, I think they’re called. Eventually somepony offered to let me run the tables, and everypony else in the crowd loved the idea of a princess as a DJ.” She blushed lightly. “It was hard, at first. But the crowd was understanding, and I eventually got pretty good.”

“So… where did you get all that human music?”

She looked at me, then. “Human music?” she asked, confused. “Those were all songs popular back before… Well, you know. I added a few present-day touches to them, but their essences were the same.”

“Luna, the last song you played was the National Anthem of the Soviet Union. And I recognized several other songs as well. And I recognized them from Earth.”

She shrugged and turned her gaze back to the horizon. “No telling,” she said. “That’s not the only unsolved mystery in this world.”

As the silence returned, I couldn’t help but think. And as is so often the case, my thoughts turned dark rather quickly. This world… I sighed inwardly. I don’t want to go so far as to say that it sucks, but… I’ve not had an easy time of it.

I was still psychologically damaged from a lot of things. Killing. Rapes. Being hurt—often badly. And none of the ponies seemed to be able to help me with those. They tried, of course—I can’t fault them for that. But you can’t stop the nightmares that still occasionally hit. You can’t stop the occasional flashbacks. You can’t stop the small twinge of fear each time I see Pinkie or Rarity or any cats at all. I like to think that I forgave them, but I know that they’re capable of it now. All of that combined has made me incredibly passive. Even more than I was when I got there, I mean; some things you just can’t fight, as I told Rainbow Dash earlier.

At the same time, though, I was more capable than I probably ever was in the past. I was decked out with weapons when I needed to be and I always had a few daggers hidden to use in a last-ditch effort. I was physically fit. I could walk and run for a while. When my feathers grew back, I would be able to fly again. Imagine that: A human flying with actual wings. I didn’t even have to worry about pulling an Icarus and getting too close to the sun.

And I have more friends now than at just about any other point in my life. I never really was much of a people person, but in a way, the ponies somehow managed to work around that. Maybe it’s because they weren’t people. And I have a daughter, even if she is adopted.

But could I ever romantically love a pony? Could I ever have sex with one without flinching slightly at the very idea?

I looked at Luna, sitting at my side with her own look of contemplation. What does she think of when she sees the moon? What does she think of when she returns here? What changes has she seen with her eyes? And yet she still moves forward, Celestia alongside her.

One day, I mused. I’ll be able to love them. I know I will. I patted Luna’s neck lightly with the hand around her shoulder.

What does pony or human really matter, when faced with love?

Thankfully, everything did seem to calm down through fall and winter. My hair did change colors, and stopped at an unhealthy grey color that stuck with me all through winter. I was just thankful the stuff didn’t fall out. I did start to get tired again, though, when my hair started changing. By the end of winter, all of my hair had returned to where it should be, and I was fully able to fly again. It was nice.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

A few months after I dealt with Fluttershy and around the time my hair finally grew back fully, Twilight approached me somewhat nervously. “Navarone, would you mind helping me with an… anatomy study?” she asked in a rather timid voice.

“Why would you need me to study anatomy? I’m the only human here; there’s nothing important to be gained from it,” I answered. Taya was with Fluttershy at the time, learning something or another about healing or nature or some crap. She didn’t tell me why she was going, I just assumed. Spike was away with Rarity, lusting over her and wishing for any manner of attention. It was just me and Twilight in her library at the moment.

“I would… turn you into a pony first…” At my look of trepidation, she said, “It shouldn’t take too long, I promise!”

I sighed. “Fine, as long as I’m not stuck as a pony for a few days. You know how odd it feels, changing like that. And if Taya comes back and sees me like that, you’re going to have to explain it to her.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll be away long enough,” she said, and whispered something I barely heard, “Fluttershy promised me a few hours…”

Oh, this is one of those kinds of anatomy studies… I started taking my clothes off; no reason to ruin them in the change. I nodded when I was ready.

As ever, the change between human and pony was incredibly jarring. All my senses get jacked up and my center of gravity changes heavily. I fell forward on my front legs, and my eyes saw all manner of things I hadn’t seen before; I had a much wider field of vision, now. I noticed a pot of flowers that I hadn’t seen before, along with a few other things I rarely look at.

And I noticed new smells, too. One, specifically, was very strong. I shuddered, trying to ignore it. “Twilight, I’m smelling… pheromones. Would you kindly help me with that?”

I looked at her through half-lidded eyes, trying not to lose myself. I usually didn’t have this kind of problem; every time after the first time that I became a pony, I was immediately guarded against the smells. I saw a small smile on her face, along with a lot of nervousness. “I trust you, Nav. I don’t think you’ll do anything bad.”

I smelled a sharpness to the air, just then. My eyes widened fractionally. “This… anatomy lesson… You didn’t plan it for when you were in heat, did you?”

“Navarone! I am a scientist! That would be… highly unprofessional!” I tried to fight my growing arousal; I am not attracted to ponies, by God, but that smell! It stole the mind, ensnared the senses, dulled everything else. I knew that if I gave into it, I would not be able to control anything—or anyone—I did.

“This is tantamount to rape!” I forced through my lips.

“I would never let you rape me, Nav!”

“If you had just… I would have helped you, if you had…” I started shuddering, trying to control myself as best as possible. “Wrong… So wrong… I thought we were friends!” I was losing myself in it now.

And suddenly the smell was gone. I sagged, released from its spell. Eventually I forced my eyes open to see Twilight staring at me with guilt and horror in her eyes, her horn glowing.

“What…” I tried asking, before she stopped me by tearing up.

“I can’t believe I almost… I’m so sorry, Nav! It’s just… you don’t know what it’s like, having this burning desire!” I snorted at that. She didn’t hear me or if she did she ignored me. “I know it’s a base instinct, but I got tired of fighting it. I usually get a tea from Zecora, but I’ve been so busy! I thought… You seemed like the best option… I know you can’t forgive me, but… I’m sorry.” She was rather remorseful about it, I could tell.

“Twilight, if you think I don’t know about a burning desire, you really don’t know anything about men. We live with that constantly. That pheromone makes it uncontrollable for someone like me, who has no experience guarding against it, just the same as you having less experience guarding against your desire than I do against mine. But it is natural, and I can understand wanting to extinguish it. If you had asked, I would have helped you deal with it, as a friend. As long as no one else learns of this, at least.”

“I’ve never… had sex before… I don’t know if it will make this feeling I have go away or not. But if you’re willing to try to help me…” She was very nervous about it, and she had every right to be. The first time for a woman is different, I think, than it is for a man. “I know you’re not attracted to ponies, though. I brought lavender… I read somewhere that the smell helps stallions in some ways.”

I could smell it from where I was standing. I didn’t really need it, though; I was still rather hard from what I had been through a minute ago.

“Well, we’re not about to do this in the front room of the library,” I said. “I sure don’t want to answer the questions that will be asked if someone walks in.”

She blinked. Did you not think of that? “Then… Let’s go up to… my room, I suppose.” She started off and I followed.

“When was the last time you bathed?” I asked as we headed up the stairs—awkwardly for me, since I was rather unused to taking stairs with four feet.

She was a little off-put at the question, but answered, “Right before I came to see you. Why?”

I didn’t answer. We got to her room and she turned to face me. She was unable to meet my gaze, she was so nervous.

“Turn around.” She did so hesitantly, probably expecting me to mount her immediately. I was tempted, I admit; my mind was still reeling from my instincts, and my instincts were telling me to mount this mare and take her as hard as possible as fast as possible for as long as possible. And it would seem like suitable punishment for trying to rape me.

But I am a gentleman. Sort of.

She bent her front legs down and stuck her hindquarters in the air. She swished her tail aside in a move she probably thought was sexy. It might have been, I don’t know.

Instead of mounting her, I eased my face in and gave her a taste. Each girl I’ve done that to has had a different taste. Twilight was soft, velvety. She tasted of… I don’t hardly know how to describe it, honestly. It was sweet and fleshy, not at all unpleasant.

What I do know, however, is that as soon as my tongue met her walls, she immediately reacted. She moaned and arched her back even more, and said with as much lust as her normally bookish tone could hold, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but don’t stop!” One thing I had learned is that the ponies I spend time with don’t know shit about foreplay.

I didn’t disappoint, that’s for sure. Another thing I’ve learned is that mares actually have a clitoris. It’s just hidden and only occasionally winks out in a really disgusting way. I found Twilight’s with my tongue and gave it some special attention. She rewarded my efforts with more sounds of approval. After a little bit of that, to warm her up, I thrust my tongue inside her folds.

I stopped when I started tasting copper. I had to remind myself she was still in heat before I freaked out. With a grunt of disapproval from Twilight, I removed my tongue.

“Why did you—” she started, before my front legs hunched over shoulders. “Oh. Oh! When… whenever you’re ready…” she uttered nervously.

I figured I should probably warn her. “You’re a virgin, so this might hurt,” I said. “I’ll go slow. Tell me if you need me to stop. Also… I won’t get you pregnant, will I?”

“I got… I got a spell from Rarity to protect me,” she said. “Though why Rarity knew it…”

I took a second to align my head to the entrance to her love hole, and gently eased my tip in. Twilight answered with a sigh that turned into a moan as I slowly spread her open. I was a few inches into her when I felt resistance. I stopped.

“This is where the pain might begin,” I warned. “And this is the point of no return. If you want to stop—” She used magic to thrust me into her as hard as she could manage in her state of pleasure. I felt her grunt in pain, and she had to lean her head down to hide the small tears forming at her eyes. I couldn’t stop a sigh of pleasure for myself, though: When she did that, it felt great on my head.

I gave her a second to recuperate, before I said, “If that’s how you want to play…” I slowly eased myself almost all the way out of her before slamming into her again. She moaned, in pleasure or pain I couldn’t tell. I was thinking pleasure, though, because she didn’t say a thing, just raised her ass higher and pulled her head up some more.

I took it nice and slow, after that. I gently eased myself in and out, with her moaning at the building pleasure and me starting to nod a bit in tune with the gentle thrusting.

Twilight was very, very tight, for a pony, and she was starting to get to me. I know I’m not attracted to ponies, but sex is sex. It felt good. I knew I could keep going for a while, though; my past experiences had, if nothing else, given me a decent bit of stamina, even though it had been a while.

After a few minutes of slow and gentle thrusting, Twilight begged, “Please Nav, you’re killing me! Harder!” I gently eased myself fully into her. She was nice and wet now, fully lubricated and ready.

I know she couldn’t see it, but I smiled. “You asked,” was all the warning she had before I began fucking her in earnest. I know normal ponies aren’t capable of a predator’s smile, but I’m a human at heart, and I managed my best as I thrust in and out of her as fast as I could go. A harsh thwacking sound could be heard every time I thrust in, and her moans of pleasure quickly reached a nice crescendo.

I could feel her walls start to spasm around my member, and I widened my smile and kept going as she suffered through her first orgasm. When she stopped spasming around me, I gently eased my member out as far as it could go without actually pulling out.

Slowly, she turned her neck to look at me. I could see a new light in her eyes. “Nav, I… My books never said it would be like that! I… Why are you looking at me like that?” she saw my smile at that point.

I thrust back inside of her as hard as I could. I saw her eyes widen in surprise.

I answered her, still thrusting in and out, while her head turned back, arching back slightly, “I’m hardly done. You wanted this desire of yours killed. I’ll wear your pussy out. That should help you for a nice spell.” Each word was punctuated by a thrust.

I knew she had to still be sensitive from her orgasm, and I used that as best as I could. I used a few tricks I had been forced to learn by Kat to hit some more sensitive spots on Twilight. To be quite honest, Twilight never really stood a chance.

Half an hour and two more orgasms later, I finally let myself stop. I probably could have kept going, but Twilight was begging me to stop. “Oh Nav! I’m so—ooh—so sensitive! S—Oh!—stop!”

Instead of just stopping abruptly, I slowly eased down, until I was barely moving. With one last, sharp thrust of my hips that made Twilight squeal, I thrust myself in as far as I could get it and came inside of her. Twilight let off a grunt when she felt my hot seed inside of her.

For a while, the only sounds in the room were two ponies, softly panting.

I gently pulled myself all the way out of her, my limp manhood already starting to conceal itself again. I gently dismounted her. “So,” I finally said, “how’s that for your anatomy lesson? Or should we call it your lesson in Advanced Friendship?”

She couldn’t stop a laugh, and tried a seductive lilt, “I forgot to take notes. You might have to go over it again some time.”

“And Celestia said you were a good student…” I couldn’t hide a small laugh. “If you ever want to learn more about sex—maybe publish a book or something—you know where to find me.”

(Sex is over)

Chapter Thirty-Two—I’m a shitty guard

Chapter Thirty-Two—I’m a shitty guard

Of course, good things never last. Celestia called me to the palace the day after Winter Wrap Up. Her summons was the usual ‘Are you free?’ that I’ve come to expect. I sighed, grabbed my journal entries, and sent a reply via Spike. He and Taya watched me disappear, with very different reactions.

I rematerialized in the dungeon of the palace, wreathed momentarily in a fake fire that still almost caused me to flinch. That’s odd.

I took a second to study my surroundings. “Celestia. Blueblood,” I said, nodding at them.

“That’s Prince Blueblood, you… thing!” the annoying fellow said indignantly. I suppose I might as well describe him, since I haven’t in the past. He has been described as the ‘most eligible bachelor in Equestria.’ He is incredibly handsome. His coat was white and mane and tail were dirty blond. His eyes were light blue. His cutie mark was a gold star against a dark blue star. He was a unicorn. And he was a complete and total dick.

“I don’t suppose you know what happened to the last pony that took that tone of voice with me. He’s rotting in a desert,” I answered.

He snorted, stamped a hoof, and his horn started glowing weakly. Before he could do anything, I had a knife out of my sleeve and ready to throw.

Celestia stopped us both with magic to block whatever he was trying to do and magic to stay my hand. “I’ll not have you fighting each other,” she told us. I nodded once, and she released my hand. I slid the knife back in its hidden pocket. She had to glare at Blueblood for him to nod. “That’s better. Blueblood, Navarone gets some slack when it comes to titles.”

His eyes opened to a width I found rather satisfying. “You let him get away with such disrespect?” he finally managed to ask.

“I get allowed some things because I’m useful,” I told him. I then turned my gaze to Celestia. “I suppose there’s a reason you brought me here?” With him was the unspoken question I made sure my eyes vocalized well enough. She caught my meaning, I think.

“Blueblood needs an escort—” she began, but I cut her off.

“And you want me to find him one, right? Are we talking military escort or female escort here?” I caught another glare from Blueblood on that one.

“Nav,” Celestia rebuked, “I’m being serious here. There’s a massive social function happening in Maris—” That’s Paris, I assumed “—and I can’t make it this year. Neither can Luna. So we’re sending Blueblood. Both Luna and I would really like you to be there with him, just in case.”

I ran my hand through my hair—turned green overnight, with the sudden change of seasons. “Look, I don’t want to say no, but at the same time I really don’t like parties. And I don’t want to be gone for three or four months just to go through Europe, get to Paris, and get out. Especially when I won’t be needed. This is Europe. You have that place in the bag. No one will attack any of your representatives there.”

“It wouldn’t take months. This time, if you go, we’ll teleport you there directly. It’s just the two of you, and you’re both already attuned to us anyway. We can get you there, you can spend the week at the event, and then you can get back instantly.” Well, I was getting kind of bored.

“Two conditions.” She nodded, and waited for them. “I don’t have to dress up in any special outfit.” She frowned, but waited for the second. “And I don’t have to take any orders.”

“Now look here—” Blueblood started, but Celestia cut him off.

“The second condition is agreeable. But the first…”

“Those are the conditions. I’m tired of dressing up in ways that are designed to get me killed, especially when no one would know the difference anyway. I’m the only human on the planet. I think my appearance alone is odd enough that I don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone.”

“Do you know why I summoned you here?” Celestia asked.

I assumed she meant the dungeon. “As a threat, probably. Another one of your ‘this or bust’ jobs.” She smiled, but before she could answer, I said, “Feel free to lock me up, then. You know I’m neither a guard nor a servant. I do as you ask out of the goodness of my heart and out of fear. The only rewards I’ve gotten so far were entirely accidental on your part, and you can only threaten so much before I say, ‘no more.’” Blueblood looked like he was about to have a stroke.

She nodded, slowly. “I was wondering when I would get you to that point. I accept your conditions.”

“Cool. So, what are we going to again?”

A very, very, very big fucking party, with representatives from every intelligent and sapient race represented on Europe. Dragons, griffons, ponies—and all the other herbivorous races—cats, dogs, naga, and a single human. I don’t know where the cats came from, as I thought they were concentrated solely in Africa. Maybe a few moved into Turkey from the Exodus I helped lead. The whole thing was called the Magical Maris Masquerade. Not the catchiest title, but it isn’t like I could do any better.

It had been a week since I was asked to do the job, Celestia finally deciding that giving me a bit of advance notice might be nice. Of course, it didn’t really matter in a case like this, when I would be gone for a week as long as everything went well. Rarity was actually jealous that I got to go to this party thing, until she found out I was going with Blueblood.

When the week was up, I gathered all my gear and a rucksack of clothes and Twilight, Taya, and I all took another train to Canterlot. Twilight was going to help Celestia and Luna with the spell to teleport us, since it was hell to cast over such a distance. Normally they wouldn’t have bothered to recruit Twilight, since it would be like pouring a glass of water into an ocean, but they figured it would be a good learning experience for Taya.

When we got to Canterlot, we were in for a bit of a surprise: The entire place was covered in a massive pink bubble. I didn’t really care so I didn’t listen to the explanation given for it.

When we all got situated, Celestia said, “Remember the matter we discussed, Nav.”

I answered with a predatory grin, nodding. Blueblood gave me a furtive glance. He didn’t know what we were talking about, of course. Neither did Twilight. And neither will my journal.

A second later, Blueblood and I found ourselves standing on top of the Eiffel Tower. “So,” he was saying as we searched for a way down, “what was that last thing Celestia mentioned?”

“Telling you that would defeat the purpose of not telling you in the first place. Do you really think she would waste all that energy to send me here to babysit you? I’m not a guard and you’re in no danger here.”

He gave me a hard glare before remembering who Celestia would be most likely to side with. Instead of a sharp rebuttal, he instead gave a harrumph, and answered, “I don’t think anything short of a dragon would dare attack me anyway. I’ve won top duelist in Equestria for the last seven years.” After a pause, he continued, “I see your look, human. No, the other duelists didn’t go easy on me because of who I am. I entered the first five incognito.” That still didn’t discount the possibility, of course, but I didn’t feel like discussing that. “If it really came to a fight between us, I think I’d give you a good run for your money.”

“I’m an assassin, not a fighter. If it came down to a fight, I’d disappear and strike you from afar.”

“That’s about what I’d expect from looking at you. You just look shifty, like you’re constantly ready to jump for cover. If the princess wasn’t putting so much trust in you, I would think I could knock you down with a hard stare.” A week without sleep does that to a guy, even if I was still getting energy from some manner of photosynthesis or something. I couldn’t imagine how I’ll feel after a few months. And then years. And then centuries.

“Looks can be deceiving,” is all I said.

“I certainly hope so,” he muttered.

I just rolled my eyes. “Let’s get to this party thing.”

I heard him muttering something mean about ‘auntie Celestia’ as we continued down the tower. “Why did they even send us to the top of this cursed spire anyway?” he finally asked, as we were nearing the bottom. “Surely she could have put us somewhere closer.”

“My name isn’t Shirley. And yes, she could have put us closer, but then we might end up inside someone. Now let’s go, we have a long walk before we get to Notre Dame.”

“Walk?” he forced out.

“I don’t see a welcoming wagon, do you? And you don’t have wings, so we can’t fly. The sooner we get started, the sooner the journey will end.” He sighed.

Of course, it wasn’t as easy as that. I had never been to Paris before, and Blueblood was still apparently incredibly attractive, so we both got a lot of attention. It didn’t help that I was carrying a load of weapons. It also didn’t help that Blueblood was preening heavily under the attention.

And it really didn’t help that the ponies here were living up to the bad stereotypes of the Parisians back in my world.

“I knew there was a reason I never wanted to go to France,” I muttered, after the fourth time we got stopped.

“What are you talking about, human? The ponies here love me!” Blueblood answered, smiling. I figured he would be getting plenty of tail here.

“You, yes. Me, they’re treating like the Hunchback.” Or an American. I was sure that Blueblood, at least, thought that was fair. Ah well. At least I was contented in the knowledge that he was a dick.

We finally got to the cathedral after an inordinately long time full of Blueblood’s flirtatious remarks to some demure looking French mares. Poor girls didn’t know what they were trying to get into. Of course, some of them seemed as arrogant as this guy was, which was kind of amusing.

I gave our letter of introduction to the guards manning the door of Notre Dame. Their eyes opened incredibly wide upon reading it, and ushered us inside with appropriate pomp. The servant standing just inside the door announced us, “Prince Blueblood, standing in for Princess Celestia, and guard.” Every eye in the cathedral turned toward us, first to Blueblood and then to me, since most of them had never seen anything like me in the past.

I looked out over the group before us and made a few observations. First, none of the races seemed to be mingling that much. The naga were spread out the most, as they are mercenaries and can be found everywhere. I could see pegasi in the griffon group and unicorns in the dragon group. Dogs and cats had a bit of intermingling between them. Other than that, there were pretty much demilitarized zones cutting each group into parts.

I saw a few familiar faces in the small cat group. Jocasta and Miguel were both there, watching me. Interesting.

I caught Blueblood eyeing some of the mares, and hissed in his ear, “Your royal duties come first, prince.”

“Relax, human,” he whispered back. “I’m just taking a second to admire the view.” He then delved into his speech, explaining the absence of Celestia and officially starting the week-long event. I learned that this place isn’t called France, it’s called Prance. Because that makes sense. As soon as his speech ended, almost everybody in the crowd put on a mask of some sort. None of the guards did, while all of the servants put on a copy of the same mask. That made sense to me, and it meant I didn’t have to put on a mask.

Everyone started intermingling, then. Despite being able to tell what someone was by looking at their body, all the walls broke down. It was pretty neat.

I followed Blueblood around for a few hours, doing nothing of note. I occasionally said a few words to people asking what the hell I was, and my naga knife got me plenty of appreciable glances from the naga.

I met my first griffon, too. Quite an arrogant race, for the most part, but they also have a reason for it. They are very fearsome fighters and very strong fliers. The group of them that pulled me away from the prince and his fawning admirers all had very large claws and beaks that looked like they could crack my head like a nut. Their masks did little to cover… well, anything, really. It was the thought that counted, I suppose.

“I have heard, human, that you were responsible for what recently happened in Egypt,” the lead griffon spoke. “Is there truth to these rumors?”

“I’ve been to Egypt twice in the past little while. The first time I went, I was helping lead a flock of slaves through the desert. That exodus ended with a rather interesting scene between Celestia and the general of the cat army.”

“That is what I meant, yes. So you really were there. Tell me, what kind of fighters are the cats?”

“Dirty fighters. Quick footed, agile, fast. A lot of them would be as quick to sneak up and slit your throat as they would be to fight you head on. And if they want to sneak up on you, you’ll never hear them coming.”

“I’ve heard similar things about you,” a nearby naga broke in. “I’ve heard talk that the only real fighting you did was murdering a few guards while they fought the real threats.”

“There is a place for everyone on the battlefield,” the griffon said. “And this human more than made up for what kind of fighter he is by overpowering two assassins in his more recent trip there. Or am I mistaken?” he asked, turning to me.

“I caught them by surprise, but yes. I killed one and captured the other.”

“And you are a mercenary for hire?” the griffon asked, a bit of hope to be heard in his voice.

“I have been hired by the Equestrian Crown for the duration,” I answered.

The naga scoffed and the griffon just shook his head and said, “The princess always does get the good ones first… I don’t suppose you have any stories you can tell us of your campaigns? These pony parties are always so dull. With the minotaurs banned for a few years because of that noodle incident, there are many less interesting beings to talk with.” The naga came in closer for that, and the rest of the griffon’s entourage closed up around me.

“Yes, human,” the naga said, “Tell us how you won that dagger of yours.”

“I don’t think you’ll be too happy with that story, naga, but I can tell you. Princess Celestia hired me a few years ago to help a family of ponies that had been kidnapped by naga. When I got on the scene with two local guides, I learned the truth of the matter: The naga group that was living in the caverns under the pony’s house took the ponies for their own protection.” I told the rest of the tale as it actually happened. There were murmurs at my talk of murdering the naga in their sleep, and looks of interest at my crossbow when I described what it had done.

“An appreciable body count,” the griffon said. “Not how any of us would have done it, of course, but then we’re more built for fighting than you are.” He gently tapped the tile floor with his claws. “Do you have any more tales, aside from your actions in Africa?”

“I could tell you of the first time I was hired to fight a pony. Or rather, a unicorn. It didn’t end perfectly, but it is an interesting tale.”

“That treads on dangerous territory, Nav,” Jocasta said, joining the small group around me. “I don’t imagine your princess would like tales of renegade unicorns getting out.”

“The damage is already done. They know, now. Nothing wrong with telling the story.”

“I’ve heard a few stories of fighting against unicorns,” the naga said, “but never a firsthand account. How would you go about combating one?”

“With another unicorn, of course,” I said. I told them that story as well, though left out the part of it being a friendly competition.

“Are you going to tell them of Kat next, Nav?” Jocasta asked. I assumed she was hiding a smile behind her mask, but I couldn’t tell.

“No one has asked of my love life. I can’t imagine who would want to know any of those tales.”

“I know I don’t want to know of your private life,” the griffon said.

“How many of the species represented here have you laid with, though?” the naga asked.

“Four, if you count humans. More, if you count unicorns and pegasi as a difference race.” And even more if you add alicorns.

“My, my, you do get around,” Jocasta said.

“I go where Celestia bids,” I said. “If I happen to have a bit of fun when I get there, well, there’s hardly anything wrong with that.”

“You’ve got a week here, guarding that supercilious pony,” the naga said. “Who knows, maybe you’ll increase that number a bit.”

“I’d be afraid to have sex with a dragon or a griffon, no offense. Way too many sharp areas for my liking.”

A few of the female griffons around me giggled at that, and the leader smiled. “I understand your wariness. The only thing that keeps them from ripping us to shreds is the knowledge that we can do the same. And finding a dragon that would concede to something like that with a mortal race would be hard, though your novelty might persuade a few of them to try.”

I waved that away. “Enough of me. Surely I’m not the only old campaigner here. Naga often pull work as mercenaries, and they fight amongst themselves occasionally. What stories do you have, friend?” I asked the naga. He told us a few tales. The griffons then took their turns. By the end of the night, we had a pretty sizeable crowd around us, with more and more tales being told.

Apparently there was a hell of a lot more violence here than I thought. There were tales of infighting from dogs, cats, and naga. There were tales of duels of honor from the naga, the dragons, and the griffons. We had a few tales of witch hunts from unicorns, who specialized in fighting other unicorns that grow drunk off their power. We had one story of a pony-style border war, with pies as weapons. The teller of that story realized what he was saying and who he was saying it to and ended up really embarrassed. Jocasta and Miguel told a few stories from the liberation march, and gave me plenty of credit when I played parts.

Blueblood apparently joined the crowd at some point, but didn’t say much. He glanced at me often when Jocasta and Miguel were talking, though. The rest of the first night passed in a flash. I was eventually left wandering the streets of Paris all night, trying to keep myself amused. I probably could have found some… company… but I really wasn’t interested. I was propositioned a few times by ponies with disreputable cutie marks, but I refused their services.

The next day was rather different. It started slow, of course; most good parties don’t start picking up until late in the night. There was music this time, though. I recognized the band from the Gala playing.

Still, after the discussion the night before, there were plenty of people willing to have dealings with me. I didn’t even bother following Blueblood around, this time. I kept him in sight at all times, to make it look like I was doing my job. Really, though, I was spending more time talking and discussing tactics and whatnot than paying any attention to the fellow. I didn’t care if he got killed anyway, truth be told.

Eventually, enough people got to the cathedral for the fun to begin in earnest. Dances were had, alliances of sorts were forged, love was kindled, and peace reigned.

“If I may have this dance, ma’am?” I quietly asked who I was hoping was Jocasta.

She neatly bowed her head, confirming my guess. “I suppose I can give you that honor, human,” she answered.

I led her to the dance floor, and we began to glide across the floor. I don’t know when she learned to dance like that, but I was rather impressed. We kept up a small conversation while we danced. Eventually, I let my hand drift a bit downwards, smiling as I did so. She didn’t stop me, but looked out a window and said, “The sun’s setting.”

“It always comes back up,” I finished, slipping something into a pocket in the back of her dress. And did a little more besides.

She finally slapped me, and hissed, “I am not Kat!”

I lifted my hand back to its proper place and said with self-defacing smile, “No, but I have you to blame for her. Wouldn’t you like to know what you were missing out on?”

“Not particularly,” she answered, more calmly. “I thought you were more of a gentletom.”

“I murder people for a living,” I answered. We finished the dance and split off to find different partners. I ended up dancing with some of everything, with even some of the dragons acceding to dance with a unique species.

The night passed quickly enough, by all accounts. A young female dragon and I were the last two on the dance floor, my plant-like energy and her youthful exuberance keeping us standing. The orchestra had long since stopped playing, and most of the partygoers had already left.

“I’m surprised to see one of the mortal races still standing,” she murmured into my hair, with her head leaning on me. She was nearly asleep in my arms herself, I think, and tall enough that she could use my head as a rest without too much effort. “Hmm, smells like fresh grass…” she whispered.

“I’m hardly a mortal, myself. A magical fluke has given me all manner of gifts. One fluke gave me wings. Another gave me the life forces of a few trees. I don’t sleep in spring or summer, and can’t get tired. I have all manner of stamina, and I don’t feel pain as much.”

She perked up a bit at those. “Plenty of stamina, huh?” I thought I could feel her licking her lips on my head. “What would you say to continuing this dance somewhere more private?”

I really need to thank Pinkie Pie for forcing me to learn dances.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

She pulled me away from the dance floor and into the halls. “It would not be a good idea for any of the dragons to learn we’re doing this,” she whispered as we skulked through the halls. “Where is your room?”

“Right there, actually,” I said, pointing to a door we were just about to pass. “I haven’t been in it yet, though.”

She looked at it for a moment before turning back to me with a confused look. “What are the chances?” I shrugged. She just shook her head before trying the knob. It was unlocked. She pushed the door open and dragged me in, ducking under the threshold. She spent all of a second looking around. “It’ll do.” She turned back to me. “Strip. Now.”

Why do I always get the dominant ones? I kicked my shoes off and began removing weapons. A few minutes later I was left with just my pants.

She looked me up and down. “An interesting look. I was expecting more hair.” Her eyes settled on my pants. “If you don’t remove those, they’ll soon be in shreds.”

I sighed as I loosened the belt. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance of me getting the lead here, is there?”

She grinned as the pants fell. “If you can take it, by all means. But…” she whispered as she took a step closer, “I don’t think you’ll be strong enough.” She drew a claw down my chest gently, gripping my member. “I think you’ll still have plenty of fun, though.” She began gently stroking me with one claw and pulling me back to the bed with the other.

“Sadly, I’ve gotten use—ooh…—used to not having control. Some people just have—aaah—no self-control.”

She smirked a bit at that. “I can hardly imagine why. You’ll be a fun little toy, no doubt, but I wouldn’t want to force you into anything. There’s just a scent about you that I quite like.” With that, she gripped my arms, casually lifted me up, and threw me onto the bed. Her grin widened as I bounced a bit, blinking stars out of my eyes. “Yes, you’ll be a fun little toy indeed.”

She joined me on the bed and pulled my head in close to hers. She had her snake-like tongue down my throat in seconds, exploring the inside of my neck. My eyes widened as I felt her moving around. She pulled out to say, “Not even going to try to fight back? Shame.” With that, she was right back down my throat. This time I had the presence of mind to wrestle her thin tongue with my thick one, and was able to wrestle it into submission. Guess it being smaller means it doesn’t have as much muscle.

She moaned into my mouth as she snuck her tongue out. She pulled her head back again. “Good, so you do have some fight in you. That’ll make this much more fun.” She scooched her body up further on mine, pushing me down onto the bed and onto my wings. I’m glad this bed is so soft. She stopped when she was straddling my chest. I felt her moist opening on my chest, its low warmth pulsing against me. “I’m sure you know how to pleasure me, yes?”

I looked down at where she was sitting on me. After a moment I looked back up to her face. “I can think of a few ways, yes. But you better be returning the favor.”

“Oh, the big, strong human is making demands?” Her grin turned into a smirk. “And what makes you think you get to have any fun?”

“You interested in a deal? First one that cums gets to be the other’s bitch.”

She considered for a moment. “Hm… Nah. We dragons get a bit sensitive this time of year. Your heartbeat alone is making me wet. I think I’ll just… take… what I want. But to be fair, I suppose I can pleasure you while you help me.” I tried shifting a bit to find that I was pretty much trapped.

“I suppose that is… acceptable.”

“You say that like I care what you think. Now, shall we get started?” She didn’t give me a chance to answer, just shifted even further up my body so that she was sitting on my face. “I know that tongue of yours is strong. I hope it knows what it’s doing down there.” Her warm slit was positioned right over my face. I had enough time to glance at it before she pushed down, grinding on my face. “We may have all night, but I’d like to get started.”

I flicked my tongue out, licking up at her inviting folds. She shuddered on top of me and I flinched back from her opening; I just hit the surface, but it felt like a furnace in there!

“Feeling hesitant? I know some races have problems having sex with dragons. I think I know a way to take your… mind… off it.” She lifted herself off my face, giving me some air. I managed to look up just in time to get a face full of dragon-vagina lowering back down. Her tail flopped over my head awkwardly. I felt her claws grip my legs and pull them open. Then I felt a warmth enclose my dick. Then… her tongue began. Holy fuck. My entire body tightened at the sensations she sent through me. I slowly relaxed as she continued, essentially jerking me off with her serpentine tongue.

And then she pulled herself off. “I’m waiting.” I shook myself from the pleasure-reverie I found myself in. I looked at what I was presented with and sighed inwardly. Nothing’s ever easy. I reached my tongue out to her clit and gave it a nice lick. She shuddered again and bent back down to her task. I felt her begin again as I took her clit into my mouth and began lightly sucking the bead. It wasn’t nearly as hot as her insides, making the task less torturous.

But good things last only so long… She pulled off me again and said, “You better get that tongue inside, or I’m going to start exploring places with my claws.” I didn’t like the sound of that, not one bit. I released her clit and took one last look at her little slit. Sorry, tongue. I can get you healed later. With that, I thrust myself inside her. She hissed, arching her back like a cat. It’s like the naga in reverse!

God my tongue was sweltering. I gave her insides a long, slow lick before getting to work in earnest. She finally turned back to me, giving me more service. Even with the tree resistances, what she was doing put me in heaven. Of course, what I was doing put me in hell, so I guess it balanced out or something.

…No it didn’t.

I kept going anyway, because I figured stopping might involve more pain, and possibly losing virginity in a place I never planned on getting touched.

With no warning at all, she came, forcing scalding juices around my tongue and all over my face. I ripped my head back, trying to shake the pain off and doing pretty much nothing since she was so close down on my face. The most I did was rub my nose across her clit several times, making her finally pull off my shaft and let off some incredibly sexy moans. Little belated there, don’t you think?

After a moment of riding the bliss, she eased herself off me... just long enough to flip again and fall back on me, face to face. I saw the smile she was wearing and quailed a bit in horror. She began to lick my face clean, her soft tongue a pleasant relief from the chafing scales present on most of her body. She finished her cleaning job by forcing her tongue into my mouth again, hitting my burned tongue. Everywhere she touched seemed to feel better almost instantly. After she had her fun toying with my throat, she pulled her face away from mine.

“Now, was that really so bad?”

“Burned the hell out of my tongue and I didn’t even get to cum. Don’t tell me we’re finished.” Though my tongue was feeling a lot better. Maybe dragons have some kind of latent healing magic in their spit or something. I’ve seen stranger things in this world.

“Well… I’ve had my fun. I mean, I guess we could go for the main course…” Her grin turned wicked. “I wouldn’t mind riding you until the sun comes up. Hm… It’s pretty shameful for a dragon to have sex with something outside the race… but there are many that would argue that what we did was enough. Still, I think I could get away with calling you a toy as long as you don’t have any release.” She paused for just long enough to worry me and make my dick feel unwanted before continuing, “Of course, I really don’t care about any of that!” With that, she jumped my bones—or rather, she jumped my bone.

She impaled herself on me with no warning and no time to brace myself. My hands shot out to grab the sides of the bed and squeezed as tightly as possible before I realized that it honestly didn’t hurt all that badly. Oh, it was warm, of that there was no doubt. But the burning I expected from what my tongue found was not there. Maybe my resistances only exist for parts of my body that are outside everything else. Learn something new every day.

She took a moment to adjust, just long enough for me to realize I wasn’t in blinding pain, before she started to slowly pump up and down. She sat up on me, biting her lower lip as she slowly drew herself up and down on my length. After a minute, she settled down, leaving herself impaled. She let out a small sigh. “And here I was thinking you wouldn’t be big enough,” she whispered as she began to grind. “You’re no dragon, but you’re just the right size to—ah!—to hit the right spots.” She started pumping again. “And I don’t have to worry about protection.”

With that somewhat ominous statement, she began to pick up speed, riding me as I felt the pleasure slowly build up. Her insides were still sensitive from her previous orgasm, and I felt her occasionally quivering as my dick touched certain places. Her tail slowly began to wrap around my leg.

I grinned as a plan began to form in my head. When she was at the peak of one of her pumps, I commented, “Remember what you said before we began?” She opened her eyes, a confused look on her face. “If I want the lead, I have to take it.” My hands shot up and grabbed her arms. She had time to look surprised before I pulled her off me and dropped her on the bed. I rolled over on top of her and pushed myself to my knees. I pulled her tail towards me, yanking her to her hands and knees. Tail in one hand and upper thigh in the other, I positioned my cock at the entrance of her hole.

Without pausing a second, I thrust into her. I grinned as her tail spasmed against me. I started pounding her, using my grips to make sure I kept control. She wasn’t even trying to fight back, thankfully. I had a feeling she could tear me to pieces without a worry in the world if she wanted to.

“M-m-my tail,” she moaned. “R-rub the base!” I let go of her thigh and moved that hand to the base of her tail. I pushed in a bit and felt her squeeze down on my dick. I grinned and began to rub her as she asked, continuing to pound away at her.

Not a minute later, she came yet again, releasing more hot liquids on me. It just felt warm to me, confirming my suspicions. I continued what I was doing, starting to get close to release. The vibrations and pulsing of her pussy as I continued working her through her orgasm drew me ever closer. She was really moaning now, probably keeping our neighbors awake with her noises of ecstasy.

After a few more minutes of bliss for me and her, I finally reached my peak. I thrust in one last time and let my load loose inside her, filling her with my seed that probably was sterilized as soon as it hit her hot insides.

When I felt myself empty, I finally pulled myself from her with a gentle popping noise. I eased her tail down, realizing as I did that I had it in a vice-grip. There was actually a small indentation on the scales.

“Now, was that really so bad?” I mocked, letting myself lay down next to her.

She giggled. “Not quite. I don’t suppose you’d mind if I stayed here for the night? I don’t really want to walk back to the dragon quarters like this.”

“Feel free. I suppose someone should get to use this bed. I’ll take a shower and leave you to sleep.”

“How kind of you,” she answered in a deadpan voice.

“I know, I’m a saint,” I replied with a similar tone. She just smiled and snuggled into the bed.

(Sex is over)

One pleasantly long night later, I found myself back in the Notre Dame cathedral for day three of the week-long Masquerade. The decorations set out for this one surprised me a bit: It looked like a massive rave was about to go down.

And as soon as the sun set, that is exactly what happened. A white unicorn with massive sunglasses stepped onto the platform where all the sound equipment was. “DJ Pon3, in the house!” a voice announced over speakers that had been surreptitiously set up around the cathedral. Oh God, if the pope could see this now, he would be freaking out!

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t much care for dancing to that kind of music. I love it, yeah, and this is the first time I’ve heard any kind of real dubstep since I got here, but I just have no rhythm for that kind of stuff.

But that DJ Pon3 lass was pretty kickin’. I’ve heard some of Tiesto’s stuff before, but that had nothing on this. Maybe it’s just because I was there in person. I don’t know, but I couldn’t help myself. I started moving with the beat. I think Pinkie would have been pissed that I was dancing here and not at her party, but whatever.

I found myself dancing with a mare. I couldn’t tell without seeing her face or hearing her voice, but I thought for sure it was someone from the orchestra band. I figured it couldn’t be, what with her being a member of a massive classical orchestra.

But sure enough, when a lull in the music came, she introduced herself. “I’ve heard a lot about you, human, but I didn’t know you danced to music like this. I’m Octavia.”

“Howdy. My name’s Navarone. Didn’t I see you with the orchestra last night? And at a few of the Galas? I’m surprised to see you dancing to music like this, myself.”

“I like music of all kinds,” she answered. “Just because it’s newer and made with electronics doesn’t mean it has no value. It’s still just as hard to make, and takes plenty of practice to get good at. And this dubhoof electrifies me, and just makes me need to move! I’ve been to many of Scratch’s concerts, and they always surprise me with how well done they are…”

“This is the first real concert of this kind I’ve been to, and I gotta say, I agree. I haven’t felt my chest vibrate like this since I was on Earth.” Pinkie’s party was nice, but it had nothing on this. And I didn’t actually feel… compelled… to dance to it, as I did here.

There were representatives of all races there, that night. It was mostly the young, of course. We all took refuge in the music, letting it shelter us against the rigors of the night and hide us from the exhaustion of the day. The music was like a living thing, guiding our movements and holding us together. It was a beautiful night, and not for the first time I was grateful for the unrelenting energy I seemed to have. A lot of us young ravers kept the party going until the sun was peeking through the clouds again.

At some point after Octavia bled off from the crowd, citing exhaustion, the young dragon from the night before joined me. She slithered in the music, scales catching the light from the strobes and scattering it through the air. It was mesmerizing, in a way.

When I finally pointed out that the sun was rising, she answered, “Then when the sun sets, the party will begin again… Though of course, we can always continue this party somewhere else.” I smiled.

When I got back to the Notre Dame, Blueblood called me over. “You really aren’t doing a very good job, human,” he accused. “With you going off who knows where every night, there’s no telling what might happen to me!”

“I figured your night activities weren’t something you wanted me involved in. If you’d prefer, I can watch you closer. I didn’t think you would need someone to hold your hand, though.”

“Well, you don’t have to watch me all night, but the feeling of being protected would be nice.”

I shrugged. “I’m a bit of a night owl anyway, as are most of the people I prefer to deal with. You tend to leave early enough.”

The next few hours were excruciating, though. I had to listen to Blueblood talk about himself to some random mare. I wanted to strangle the fucker.

I was saved the effort, however. Near the start of the next phase of the party, he took a sip of his drink and started seizing. I immediately rushed to his side, pushed the mare away, and ordered that the doors be barred.

“Naga,” I shouted above the clamoring voices, “I need some naga fighters! And get me a healer!” Everyone in the room knew that no naga would ever poison someone, even a hated enemy. There was a rush to get to me, each warrior clutching a specially made weapon.

I pointed warriors to certain doors, to make sure no one got in and no one got out. “Keep those doors shut, dammit! If the assassin is still here, don’t let him escape! I need a unicorn here! If you know how to heal at all, get over here!” A few unicorns rushed forward and did some manner of magic over the prince’s weakly jerking body. “Save him if you can. If you can’t, find out what you can about what killed him.”

I stood up to address the crowd. “Did anyone see anything? He seized up as soon as he started drinking. I saw him take the glass, but I didn’t see anyone putting anything in it when he had it. That means it got to him poisoned.” I saw a few people dumping out cups. “If anyone knows the servant that delivered it, or saw someone put something in it before it was delivered, tell me.”

There was a bit of a commotion in the crowd as a familiar naga dragged a dog forward. “I saw this hound pour something in a few of the drinks,” the naga said, ripping the mask off the dog.

I looked at the dog. “How do you answer this accusation?” I asked him.

“Death to the lackeys of the pony queen!” he screamed, drawing a knife and trying to hurl it at me, before it was ripped out of his hands by the naga.

“Bind him,” I ordered. “He will be questioned. And dump out all the drinks; I don’t want to risk anyone else.” Everyone did as I said, and I turned back to the unicorns hovering over Blueblood. “Will he live?”

“He is barely holding on,” the largest unicorn I have ever seen told me. I saw that she had massive scars on her back. “It’s good that he is young and strong. Still, he’s lucky I was here, human. He should recover, but we need to get him out of here anyway.”

I nodded. “I need paper and a pencil. Celestia can pull him back to Equestria while I sort this mess here out.” A runner rushed off to get me what I needed, and I sought out the face of my young dragon friend. I motioned her forward. “A dragon I know in Equestria can send paper messages via fire. Can you do the same?”

“That’s child’s play. I can send messages made of fire. What do you need?”

“No offense, but right now I’d prefer a bit of secrecy. We have a pretty fucked up situation here, and I still don’t know who all is involved.”

“I understand. You barely even know me…” she said, as the paper and an inked quill were brought to me.

I outlined the situation on the paper, and answered her, “I don’t even know your name. You never told me.” I gave her the note and said, “Can you send that to Celestia?” She did.

“Kumani,” she said. “My name is Kumani.”

Not a minute later, Blueblood disappeared, and a response came from Kumani. She passed the scroll to me without looking at it. ‘Get airborne.’ Great, I don’t have to deal with this mess myself.

I jumped into the air and hovered over the wide-eyed crowd. I didn’t have to wait long for Celestia to teleport in. And God, was she in a fury. The glare she gave the bound and gagged prisoner was enough to set him shaking. We landed in a rapidly cleared hole in the crowd.

“Bring the prisoner to me,” she demanded. The naga moved to obey, but she stopped him with a look. “Navarone, bring the prisoner to me.” I did as she commanded. The dog didn’t even try to struggle, but since I had a knife poking his back he probably didn’t see much reason in it. I forced him to his knees in front of her. “Ungag him.” I did. “Why did you try to kill Prince Blueblood?” she quietly asked, looking down on the prisoner.

He didn’t even try to meet her gaze. He mumbled something at the floor. “She didn’t hear you, dog,” I said, shaking him slightly.

He said, much louder, “For the queen.”

Celestia nodded. “Gag him.” I did. She looked at the crowd. “Everypony, the party is still on. I will bring a new representative shortly. I would love to stay, but there are many more preparations to be made, and Canterlot must be protected.” She looked back down to me. “Navarone, come with me. Bring the prisoner.”

I dragged the prisoner behind me as we walked away from the room, into a side door, down a long hallway, and into a small bedroom. I deposited the prisoner into a chair and just stared at him.

Celestia looked down at the dog. “Your kind doesn’t have a queen,” she said.

He didn’t say anything.

“I can make him talk, Princess,” I said, not taking my eyes away from him.

Her horn glowed for a minute as she seemed to muse. She finally said, “No, Navarone. He doesn’t know anything. He’s just a disposable agent, a would-be assassin. He probably doesn’t even know why he’s here.” She sighed. “For your crimes against Equestria, I sentence you to Tartarus.” Her horn glowed brightly and the dog disappeared. He had the chance to look terrified before he was gone.

I put a hand to my forehead, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.

“Are you okay, Nav?” Celestia asked, concern in her voice.

“Just… dizzy. And a headache.”

I felt her warmth as she jumped to my side, her horn glowing as it touched me. She gasped. “You’ve been poisoned!”

“Well that sucks…” I muttered. Her horn glowed considerably brighter as I felt the pain lesson and then disappear. “Magic is even better than kidneys,” I sighed. She didn’t get that since ponies don’t know much about anatomy.

“Your… transformation is even more potent than we thought,” she said. “Blueblood got less of that poison than you did, I believe, and he almost died!”

“It’s probably just because he sucks,” I answered drily.

She shook her head. “No, this is definitely the magic in you. If you start feeling any more changes, tell me immediately.” She looked around the room for a moment and sighed. “Now… who can replace Blueblood?” It was a rhetorical question, I hope.

She looked at me for a moment and then shook her head. “Can’t be Luna… Can’t be…” She sighed again. “No, it’ll have to be her.” She turned back to me. “Navarone, you are to protect this mare with your life. I do not care what you have to do to make sure she gets back here in one piece.” I opened my mouth to respond but she cut me off. “I say this because I know you are not going to like her and because she isn’t going to be happy about being here in the first place. But… she is going to be very important soon and I absolutely need her in one piece.”

“If you know I’m not going to like her, why do you want me to guard her?”

“Because I trust you, Navarone. Do not let me down.”

“So… who am I going to be protecting?”

“Princess Cadance. She’s another alicorn, a very rare breed.”

How the fuck have I never heard of her if she’s an ali—you know what, I don’t care. I gave up on understanding this world a long time ago. “So why won’t I like her?”

Celestia smiled. “Her special talent—and special magic—is creating love.”

My eyes widened. “You keep that bitch away from me!” I don’t know if I was joking.

Celestia giggled. “I figured you would say that. Just give her a chance, Nav. She was one of the few friends Twilight had back in Canterlot. And Cadance will need somepony to talk to, since she’s going to be forced to abandon some of her wedding preparations to be here.” I grimaced lightly. I hate weddings, you see.

She looked to a table in the small room and found some paper and a quill. She used magic to write a short note and sent it on its way. She turned back to me. “I trust you to handle this, Navarone. Do not let me down.”

“Look, Celestia, can you honestly say that you’re disappointed this happened to Blueblood?”

She gave me one of those looks and was about to respond before a letter appeared in front of her. She opened it, read it, and sighed. “Don’t move,” she told me. A second later she was gone.

I sighed and pulled my crossbow from its sling. I fit a bolt into it and cocked it back, smiling grimly at the feel of its weight in my hands. That done, I started doing a check of all the weapons in place around my body.

Six knives on my belt. Dagger and bolts around the waist. Two knives up each sleeve. Two bandoleers around my chest, each with five knives. Falchion strapped on my back.

I’ve captured a pirate ship, defeated two assassins, escaped from the clutches of insane dragons, survived the exodus, survived an oven, survived a poison that nearly killed a pony, killed several naga, and beat a unicorn in a magic competition. How hard could protecting one chick be?

There was a blinding light as someone teleported in. I flinched, instinctively tightening my grip on the crossbow. “Princess Cadance, I presume?” I asked before the light was fully gone.

She nodded. “Cadance will be fine, Navarone. I’ve heard a lot about you.” She was pink. Not as pink as Pinkie, but still pink. Her hair was blonde, pink, and purple. A more girly pony, I don’t think I had ever seen. I caught a sight of her cutie mark and had to repress a gag; it was a blue heart. “Before we go to the party, would you mind catching me up? I haven’t been paying much attention to… current events. I’ve been a bit busy.”

“I just discovered I am immune to poison, and because of that, I allowed something dangerous to get to Blueblood. This is the… fourth day of this party, I think. The days are molding together since I haven’t gotten any sleep.”

She looked concerned. “No sleep? If you need rest, you can take it, Nav!” My eyes narrowed slightly when she called me Nav, but I didn’t say anything. “I don’t think I will be harmed here.”

“No, Princess. I do not sleep come the spring and summer. I am just getting used to it again.”

“Please Nav, call me Cadance. I grow so weary of the stuffiness of the Canterlot court, and Celestia spoke so highly of you…”

“Very well. Keep your magic to yourself and I will call you Cadance.”

She gave an empty-headed giggle at that. “Celestia told me about your… aversion… to love. Given your situation with Luna—”

“That’s your cue to stop talking,” I interrupted, gripping the crossbow tighter, gently stroking the trigger.

“I don’t think you would hurt me.”

I pointed the crossbow dead at her. “Try me.” Her smile dropped. Not so sure now, are you?

Her eyes went from the crossbow to me. “We can talk later. I have a party to attend. Take me there.”

I lowered the crossbow and led her back to the main party. “This building rivals the palace!” she exclaimed in wonder as I led her down the halls.

“Yeah, the Notre Dame is beautiful. It was always considered a wonderful achievement in my world. I suppose the same is true here.”

“Beautiful, eh? Kind of like Luna?”

“If you open your mouth again, I swear I’m gonna break it.” She giggled. I shook my head in disgust as I threw open the door to the main room of the party. Most of the people there were just milling around idly. “Oh yes, you need a mask. It can wait, I suppose.”

Her horn glowed for a second and a pair of heart-shaped glasses, tinted with a rose shade, appeared on her face. I really, really wish I could explain the symbolism of that to her, but I didn’t feel like doing it in front of everyone in the party.

I turned to face them all to find they were staring at Cadance. “Ladies and gentlemen and Jocasta,” I said rather loudly, “This is Princess Cadance. She is the new representative for Princess Celestia. If anyone dares attack her, I will not kill you. I will do everything to you but kill you. Your screams will be heard across the fucking planet. The dog that poisoned Blueblood was sentenced to Tartarus. What you will get will make you wish you were him.” I turned to Cadance, who was staring at me in mute horror. “Do you have anything to add, Princess?” I sweetly asked.

She blinked. “My guard is overly zealous,” she said in a tone that was a mix between horror and calmness. “Please, let the party continue. And just call me Cadance, by the way.” The party-goers looked around awkwardly before the music continued. It was some kind of Latin American stuff. Cadance turned to me. “Can I… Can I talk to you in private?”

“Later, Cadance. You have a party to mediate.” I waved my arm to the large group of people around the area.

She gave me a look of concern and bit her lip lightly. After a moment, she sighed and made her way to a large mass of party-goers. I followed, doing my best to watch every angle at once. I couldn’t stay perfectly vigilant, but if she was going to get attacked, it wasn’t going to be in front of me.

We survived the first party, thank God. Sadly, she retired early. I followed her out, given that I wasn’t going to be letting her out of my sight for very long. We got back to a side hallway. “So… where’s my room?” she asked.

…Fuck. “I have no idea,” I answered with a shrug.

“Well, where did Blueblood sleep?”

“Fuck all if I know. He told me not to follow him at night, thank God. Given that he found a different mare every day, I really can’t complain.” Though I’m hardly innocent of that crime.

“Fine. Then where is your room? You said you don’t sleep, so I can just take your bed.”

Double fuck. She was correct in that I don’t sleep. She wasn’t quite correct that the bed hadn’t already been… used. I was hoping that this place had some manner of maid service or something that cleaned while we were away.

I led the way to my room, watching everyone with an evil eye as we passed them. Thankfully, my bed had been cleaned and fixed up. The room wasn’t aired out, but I honestly didn’t care if she could smell the sex as long as she wasn’t sleeping in all that funk.

When we were both inside, I finally slung the crossbow over my shoulder.

“About that threat you made,” she started.

“I meant it,” I said before she could continue. She gaped. “Celestia needs me, yes. But I need her more. If someone ruins my reputation with her by attacking you, they will be in several worlds of pain all at once. I’m going to live for quite a long time, and if I have to live that length of time in prison because someone fucks this up for me, then that someone is going to pay.”

“Celestia is not cruel, Nav,” she told me. “She wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I’m not going to take chances.”

She gave a sweet smile. “Then I know you wouldn’t hurt me for talking to you about Luna!”

I clapped my hands and pointed them over my shoulders at the door. “I’m out. Good night, Cadance.” I turned to find the door blocked by a light blue aura. I unslung my crossbow and fiddled with it. Without turning, I said, “I told you to keep your magic to yourself.”

“I just want to talk!”

I whirled around and shot my crossbow dead at her. She flinched, dropping her magic. I swung back around and ripped the door open before she realized I just dry-fired at her. “I said good night!” I called as I pulled the door shut behind me.

“You win this round!” she said from behind the door.

I sighed. “It’s going to be a long night…”

A long night later, Cadance opened my door with a grin on her face. “I may be interrupting wedding planning for this, but at least I’m having a bit of fun!”

I blearily stared at her. I had been watching the wall for the past five hours. Just… staring. Not moving at all. I don’t remember the last time I blinked.

“Nav, are you okay?”

I opened my mouth and croaked something. I coughed and I swear some dust came out. “Fine,” I rasped. I’m going to start carrying a canteen again. I don’t even remember when I got out of that habit. I popped my neck and she flinched at the sound. I moved to my fingers and she flinched at each one of those, too.

“What are you doing, Nav?” she finally asked as I moved to my legs.

“Limbering up. I haven’t moved in a few hours.”

“Celestia told me you weren’t like a guardspony.”

“I’m usually not. Now, where to?”

“Where can we get some breakfast?”

I smiled darkly. I was about to give her another reason to hate me. I led her to the buffet room, where there were meals laid out for every race in attendance.

There were griffins in attendance.

Griffins eat meat.

She was rather visibly disturbed when I joined her at the table with a plate full of bacon. Look, I fucking love bacon, and this was the first place in this world that ever had any.

“You eat meat?” she asked, quite surprised.

“I can eat meat, some vegetables, most fruits, and fish. I don’t eat often anymore, with this damnable magic sustaining me, but I am still an omnivore.” I smiled darkly and showed her my canines. She flinched upon seeing them.

After a moment, she said, “You don’t have to pretend to be evil around me, Nav. I know you aren’t like that.”

I picked up a piece of bacon and bit into it. God, it was sex in my mouth. When I swallowed, I said, “I know. But it’s fun watching you squirm.” It really was funny. I know I’m a bad person for thinking that, but I’m okay with being a bad person.

She shook her head with a smile. “And now that I know you’re just doing it for my reaction, what makes you think I’ll be giving you one?”

“Oh, I’m just getting started.” Well actually, I was pretty much done, but I was hoping the anticipation would keep her wound up.

And that’s when Kumani sauntered up to our table and sat across from me. “Hello, Navarone,” she said to me in a breathy voice. She nodded at Cadance. “Cadance.” She turned back to me. “I heard you’re taking princesses into your bed now. Too good for us simple folk?”

Cadance was taking a sip of some kind of juice when Kumani mentioned her being in my bed. That juice was shortly all over the table and the chair across from her.

I grinned. “I’ll admit that some princesses catch my eye. This one isn’t one of them. She slept in my bed last night, and I stood guard at the door. I do hope you don’t mind your place being usurped; if it would make you feel any better, we can find somewhere to continue our… activities.”

Cadance was now staring at me in horror.

Kumani gave me a lusty grin. “You were standing guard at the door, you said. How about we meet there instead?” Her tongue flicked out, tasting the air. I felt her tail reach me under the table as she whispered, “I like the thrill of possibly being caught!”

I matched her grin. “I can do my job and have fun at the same time. I see no downsides here.”

Kumani reached up between my legs and onto the table with her tail. She grabbed a piece of bacon before pulling her tail back. Cadance stared at it, her pupils shrunken to pinpricks. Kumani brought the bacon up to her mouth with her tail and wrapped her tongue around it, drawing it in and swallowing without chewing. “It’s a date,” she said, standing. “I’ll see you soon, Nav,” she winked. She looked back to Cadance and nodded. “It’s been a pleasure.” She walked off, humming lightly.

Now, I did say I was done fucking with Cadance, but that was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I happily continued munching on my bacon while Cadance just looked ahead with a thousand yard stare.

When I finally finished the plate, she blinked a few times and turned to me. “You seduced a dragon,” she said, her mind still trying to make sense of this.

“Well, it was kind of mutual. She wanted to see what kind of exotic love-making skills I could bring to the table, and I’ve just always kind of wanted to fuck a dragon.” Well, ever since I got over the whole interspecies thing. I’m just glad she was close to my size.

“I thought you couldn’t love!”

“I can’t. I can, however, make love.” She looked at me, confused. “We have sex, Cadance. Nothing more.” The look of confusion turned to another look of horror. I grinned. “I gotta say, the things she can do with that tongue are quite fun.”

“You don’t understand, Nav! Dragons mate for life!”

I raised an eyebrow. She had a really good poker face. “No they don’t, Cadance. I did a shitload of research on dragons a year ago for a friend, and that included following the dragons during their great migration. They definitely don’t mate for life.”

She clopped a hoof on the table with a smile. “I thought I had you!”

I sighed. “And here I was, thinking you were horrified about me banging a dragon.”

“Oh, I definitely am. I just saw a good chance there and I took it. Seriously, Nav, a dragon? What’s wrong with you? And what do you think Luna will think when she finds out?”

I held up a hand with three fingers. “Yes, a dragon.” I ticked my ring finger off. “If I made you the list of things wrong with me, we’d be here all day.” I ticked my pointer finger off, leaving my middle finger standing. “And if Luna brings it up, this is what I’ll tell her,” I said, raising my hand a bit more and flipping Cadance off.

“I… I don’t get it.”

“Can’t say that I’m surprised. Hurry up and finish eating.”

“Nav, you’re going to hurt Luna if you keep acting like this.”

“She almost killed me twice and gave me love poison. She can take a little damn pain. Given that she knows I don’t love her anyway, I fail to see the issue here. Besides, humans don’t even feel the same way about sex as some ponies do. It’s just physical, not emotional.” Now that was definitely a lie; most humans are more conservative than ponies. That is how I feel, though.

She gave me a very heartbroken look. “Are all humans like you?” she whispered.

“No. I came into this world with a few traits of a sociopath, and everything I’ve done and seen since haven’t helped any. I am irreparably broken, and that is more liberating than you can possibly know.”

“It sounds horrifying. How can you be happy about that?”

“Because it means I don’t care that you are horrified of me. I don’t care if you hate me or if you love me. I don’t care if I hurt your feelings. I was getting better for a little while, but… Well, never mind about that. Eat, so we can get back to the festivities.”

She looked more like she was about to puke. “You need help. A lot of it. You aren’t leaving my side until you feel again.” I saw her horn glow. I jumped back from the table, the chair toppling behind me. I had my dagger out before I realized she was just picking up a spoon. “I’m not going to use magic against you, Navarone. That spell just reminds two ponies already in love that they feel that way. You… You seem empty. That spell would do nothing to you.”

I gave a sigh of relief as I picked the chair up and settled back down. She continued, “Besides, it only works if the two ponies are in close proximity. It’s just me here, and I’m getting married in a few days.”

I snorted softly. “My condolences, then.”

“I know! I should be with my Shining Armor right now, not here at this… party.” Not exactly what I meant, but meh.

“Wait, Shining Armor? Like, Twilight’s brother?”

“You know Twilight?”

“Yeah, she’s the one that accidentally summoned me here. I’ve been living in her tree house ever since.”

“Oh, you’re the monster that’s been living with Twilight!”

“Well, I’m one of them; she also has a dragon for a pet.”

“Spike’s not a pet!”

“Yeah, slave is more accurate. But we digress; who called me a monster this time?”

“Oh, no pony…” She was lying.

“Right, and I’m having an affair on the side with Celestia. Who was it?”

She grimaced slightly. “You really get around, don’t you?”

“I don’t sleep at night. I have to find something to do in my spare time. But that was a joke.” Not a lie, though. “Who was it?”

“Shining Armor, a few years ago. I haven’t heard him mention it in a while, though.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been called worse by better. Now let’s get to this party.” I think she took offense to that, but she didn’t put up a complaint as I led her to the main room.

Nothing happened all that day either, thankfully. If anyone cares, the party was tribal themed.

When we got back to my room, I foolishly led her inside again. The door locked shut and was bound by magic yet again. Before she could say anything, I said in a conversational tone, “I destroyed the horn of a unicorn once.” Not quite true, but close enough. “I never did find out what happened to the mare, but I don’t think she was able to survive long after that. It wasn’t even that hard to do; just shoot it at the right spot and it crumbles like dust…” I finished, hefting my crossbow with a smile.

She was just smiling. Damn, she learned. “So how do you really feel about Luna?”

My smile dropped. “I’m not talking about this. Open the door.”

“You can either tell me about her or you can spend the night in here, away from your dragon friend.”

“Have you ever pissed off a dragon? I have, and it was terrifying.” Actually, I pissed off an entire dragon migration of them.

“I think she’ll understand. This is a matter of the heart, after all, not of the… loins.”

“My ‘heart’ is nothing more than an engine forged from the remnants of a dead star, Cadance.” She blinked. I loved that quote. “I neither need nor want help in what I’m planning for Luna. And I really don’t feel like talking anymore, so open the door.”

“Not until I fix you!”

It is times like these I’m glad I always leave my window open. I sprinted across the room and jumped right out it, spreading my wings and catching the currents to keep me above the ground. I followed the building around to the entrance and made my way inside and back to my post to begin the long night.

At least this time, I would have company…

A long—and fun—night later, Cadance cracked the door open and saw me standing in the same position as last time, but with a small smile on my face. She looked at me with bloodshot eyes. “Get a room next time, Nav,” she said hoarsely.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s it. You’re guarding me until my wedding. If you’re going to make me suffer, I can make you suffer!”

“Oh come now, Cadance! I have a daughter back home; you shouldn’t keep me away from her for so long.”

She snorted. “You? A daughter? Why do I find that hard to believe?”

“I find it hard to believe as well. Especially when I remember that she was actually given the choice to stay with me versus staying at the palace.”

She waved a hoof. “She can come to Canterlot until the wedding, then; I do still need some flower fillies, after all.”

“Yeah, she won’t be interested in that. You can ask her, but I don’t think she will.”

“It’s a royal wedding! What kind of little filly wouldn’t want to be involved?”

“The kind that was abandoned in Egypt and surrounded by violent people that did who knows what to her.” She looked rather shocked at that. “Now come on. Let’s get you breakfast so we can go back to the party. Just two more days and we can go back home.”

She sighed wistfully, her eyes going faraway. “Soon, my Shining Armor,” she whispered. She blinked and shook her head. “Lead the way, Nav. We can talk later.”

Fat chance of that. I led the way to the buffet area. From the looks of things, today’s party was Greco-Roman. Shame Pinkie couldn’t be there; this entire event would be an awesome experience for her. I’ll bring her to the next one if I get pulled into it.

The day went well. The only thing it was missing was a massive orgy at the end, and for all I know, there might have been one; we left too early to find out.

I didn’t follow her into the room, that time. I’m slow sometimes, but I do learn my lesson eventually.

On the seventh day, the party was Valhalla-themed.

As I followed Cadance through the halls on the way to breakfast, I couldn’t help but notice all the naga and griffins about, preparing weapons and talking in little groups. That in itself made me nervous, and I kind of wish I had been given a schedule of the events so I’d know if they were acting like that for a reason.

When we got to the breakfast hall, I saw how it was laid out. Basically, think of a typical Viking hall. If that doesn’t help, think Beowulf. If that doesn’t help, fuck you. I was grinning like a madman at that point. Cadance got her breakfast and went to a side table.

“No, Cadance. You’re the representative of Celestia. You sit at the center of the main table,” I told her.

She looked around, and then back to me. “Must I?”

“Yes. It is proper form, to indicate that you are the head of the clan.” She rolled her eyes, but went up to the front and sat at the center chair. I stood at her right side, watching everyone else.

Eventually, one of the naga came up to us. He looked to me. “Human, will you be representing your species in the games today?”

“What?” I asked.

The naga smiled darkly. “The free-for-all planned for the evening. Are you going to be in it representing the humans?”

Oh hell no. I’m not stupid. “I… I would love to,” I responded. His smile deepened. “But I have to protect the princess, so I will be unable to.”

Cadance looked at me with an evil smile. “I’ll be fine, Navarone. You have your fun.” She knew what I was trying to do, that evil bitch.

I was committed to it now, though. I looked to the naga. “I’ll need the rules. I wouldn’t want to get disqualified offhand.”

“If you use weapons, get them blunted with magic. We want to have fun, not to cause bloodshed. If you get knocked out or take a killing blow—you’ll know if you do—you are out and will be teleported from the field. It’s every race for itself, and each team can field three representatives. The only races that usually contend are the ponies, the dragons, the naga, the griffins, and the dogs. The cats will have a presence this year, as will the humans, apparently. The cats are fielding just two representatives, and you’re alone on the human team. If you want to see the score—to find out who is still alive and who has the biggest kill-count—just look to the sky.”

“What kinds of weapons can we use?”

“Anything you have. The only restrictions are on area-of-effect weapons, like dragon fire. I look forward to seeing you in action, Navarone.” With that, he nodded and left.

Cadance giggled. “This is going to be fun…”

“You just want to watch me get my ass kicked, you little sadist.” One hit from most of the races on the field would probably ‘kill’ me.

“I think you’ll do just fine, Nav. It’s a shame Blueblood had to miss this; I know how much he loves going to these games. Still, his loss is my gain; I’ve heard tales about this tournament ever since Shining Armor went one year.”

Well, if I fuck up, at least I won’t die. I don’t do well in open fights like this, but I should be fine.

The rest of the day up until the challenge pretty much went by in a blur. I made plan after plan and had to discard them all; each year the tournament area was changed to a new theme and no one ever knew what it was until an hour before the competition. Last year, it was actually a gladiator-style roman arena.

This year… This year it was an urban environment. That was good news for me; it meant I actually had a chance to not die first. All of the competitors were gathered in one area and each group was given a map of the arena. A group of unicorns stood to one side, enchanting weapons to make them safe. I had all of my gear done in private, making sure no one saw my collection of weapons. I wanted to give myself some kind of advantage, and private consultations were allowed.

Jocasta and Miguel found me not long after I had my weapons done. “Navarone,” Jocasta said, “would you be interested in… working together, perhaps?” Miguel was giving his psychotic smile.

“Is that allowed?” I asked.

“There will be one race as a winner,” she answered. “But anything goes in the actual competition.”

I thought it over for all of a second. I knew they were going to betray me, but I didn’t know when. Don’t let them behind my back. I nodded. “I’m in.” They came closer. “As I can see it, this is the ranking in terms of what needs to die first: Dragons, ponies, naga, griffins, dogs.”

“Ponies are weak,” Miguel said. “No weapons.”

“But they have magic, and magic is allowed,” Jocasta answered. “Navarone is correct. Cats don’t do well in open fights, so we wait and watch for a while. Griffins and naga have an ancient feud in this competition, so they’ll be fighting each other first. Dogs don’t like ponies, so the dogs will likely find them first. Dragons…” She eyed my crossbow. “Navarone, you keep your eyes on the sky. If you see a good chance to bring one of them down, take it.”

I pulled out my map. “We each get teleported in at different areas,” I said. I pointed to where I suspected the dragons would be entering. “This is where I go in.” If they were going to betray me before the round started, I wanted them to pay for it quickly. “Where will we meet?”

She pointed at the opposite side of the map. “This is where we enter.”

“So we meet in the middle,” Miguel said. “And we kill everything on the way.”

“No, that’s fucktarded,” I answered. “Alone, we are weak. Together, we’re still pretty weak, but at least we’ll be better off.” I traced a line down to the corner opposite of where I actually spawned. “This is where we meet.” They both nodded and broke off.

A few minutes later I was joined by the naga. “Human,” their leader said, “you fight alone this day. Would you care to join us as we vanquish our enemies? Your wings would do us well in the coming battle.”

I smiled and pulled out my map. “I’m in. We can meet here,” I said, pointing to where I said I would meet Jocasta and Miguel.

“Good! That is close to where we enter the arena. It will be interesting to see you on the field, Navarone. Good luck to you.”

Well well. This just got interesting.

The next to join me were the dragons, with Kumani at their head. “What did the cats and naga want with you, Nav?” she asked me.

“They wanted to wish me good luck in the coming fight, since I am going it alone,” I answered.

“You know, you don’t have to fight alone. There’s nothing in the rules against team-ups, though only one race can actually win the main prize.”

“You don’t say.”

She smiled. “Would you happen to be interested?”

I scratched at the beginnings of a beard that was coming in. “How do I know you won’t betray me the minute my back is turned?”

“Because to be quite honest, you’re no threat to us.” All three of them were larger than I was, and if I didn’t have weapons on me, each one would be more than a match for me. “But just because you’re not a threat to us doesn’t mean you can’t be useful.”

I grimaced slightly but couldn’t help a shrug. “Second place is better than last,” I finally said, pulling out my map. “How about we meet here?” I said, pointing to the same spot.

She looked at it. “This spot is good; it will allow us to regroup and see how the main battle is going before too much happens. We will meet you there, Navarone.” Her dragon friends smiled grimly, flicking tongues out.

This day couldn’t get any better.

The next to visit were the griffins, with the grizzled leader I met the first day here at their head. “Navarone, how would you like to help the best fighters in the realm win today?”

“Griffins are honorable,” I said. “You wouldn’t stab me in the back until the other races are finished off.” I wouldn’t have the same compunctions. “Pull out your map, I think I know of a good meeting spot.”

He did so and I pointed it out to him. He nodded. “Yes, this is where we enter the arena. It will be easy for us to hunker down there and wait while a single soul sneaks across the battlefield.”

Well, that took care of most of the dangerous enemies.

The ponies came by next. “Human,” their leader—a unicorn—said, nodding.

“Pony,” I answered with a nod.

“You know we are not a very… violent race,” the unicorn said. “But you are. We usually do pretty well in these competitions, but we would like to win this year. We think with your help, we might be able to. Since you are unlikely to make much of a difference by yourself, would you be interested in helping us? When the last enemy falls, we can have a fair fight between ourselves to sort the winner out.”

“I was planning on taking my chances and showing everyone just what humanity is made of, but…” I shrugged. “Here, this is where we can meet,” I said, pointing out the very popular location.

He nodded. “We teleport in at this corner,” he said, pointing to where the cats told me they were entering. “It shouldn’t be hard for us to get there.”

“Good luck, ponies. I look forward to finding out just what kind of fighters you are.” They bowed lightly and left.

The dogs approached me with five minutes left before the round started. “You’re planning something devious,” their leader told me. “We want in.”

“I’ll tell you my plans one minute before the round starts,” I told him. “I don’t want to risk it falling through.”

“We will wait here, then,” he told me.

One minute before the round started, I told him the truth. “I just made an alliance with every race on the map except you guys. They’re all meeting in one location to meet up with me. Only I won’t be there. But… There will be some survivors of the massive tangle that’s going to happen. If you are interested, I could use the help mopping up.”

The leader looked incredulous. “And you won’t just betray us as well? I don’t think so, human. We’ll do this solo, as we always have. But we also won’t betray you; I will enjoy seeing your plan in action.”

With that, we all disappeared.

I had been given a 2d map of the fighting field, but that didn’t do it justice. It looked like a near copy of Agrabah, from Aladdin, without the massive palace. I later learned that it was actually a copy of the sheep capital of Agrabaah. I wish I was joking. I was really hoping to have been able to watch the massive fight go down, but this was probably a lot safer.

I immediately kicked a door in and pushed my way into the small abode. Hunker down here for half an hour, then fly above the city to pick the survivors off.

There were going to be a lot of people that were very angry at me soon.

I settled down on the comfortable couch, waiting.

When I deemed enough time had passed—and I heard quite enough roars and squawks while waiting—I pushed myself up and peered out the door, looking both ways down the street and up into the air. No fliers. I cautiously stepped out, a dagger in one hand and the crossbow in the other.

Seeing nothing and not being attacked, I looked into the sky at the scoreboard. It was me on the human team, Miguel on the cat team, all three of the dogs, and a naga. The dogs and I were the only team with no kills. I jumped into the air and soared over to the battleground.

It was just completely wrecked. I saw scorch marks on a few of the walls, probably where the unicorn was trying to fight. I nodded to myself, smiling. I saw one of the doors push open and I darted to a roof to watch.

The dogs rushed out in a very military-like fashion. “That human does good work,” the leader said with approval as he looked into the sky. “We spend the whole time hiding and he takes down most of the enemies for us. Watch out for that freak, boys; he has wings. We’ll take this nice and slow. I know I heard the naga roaring in pain, so he’s probably injured.”

“You got it, boss,” the other two said. They didn’t sound that smart.

I lined a shot up on one of them and considered taking it. I could do it. Easily.

A weight hit the roof next to me. “Ready when you are, Navarone,” Miguel whispered.

I flinched. I didn’t even hear him behind me. “We’ll wait until their backs are turned,” I answered. “You jump down, screaming a war cry. I’ll shoot the leader while you have him distracted. The other two should be easy meat after that.” And then it’ll just be me and the naga, after I betray Miguel…

The dogs whispered something to themselves and started off at a slow speed, turning their backs to us. Dogs have really good ears. I figured they heard everything we said.

“Now!” I whispered, pushing myself as far away from Miguel as I could get.

It was a good thing I did; he pulled the dagger back that he tried to stab me with and jumped to his feet. I threw myself off the building and flew to the one on the other side of the street. The dogs all jumped and stared at us. Before anyone could react further, I shot Miguel, sending him off the battlefield.

I looked down at the dogs. The two stupid ones looked to their leader as I reloaded. “SCATTER!” he screamed. One of the dogs jumped to one side of the street and the leader jumped to the other side, each kicking in doors. The other stood in the street, not getting the message. My bolt taught him his lesson. I reloaded again.

I heard a scream from the door the leader jumped into, and he fell out of the building, vanishing before he hit the dirt. The naga slithered out just in time to catch a bolt to the chest. I flew to the side of the street opposite of the building the last dog went into.

“If you come out, I promise to fight fair,” I called.

“Really?” I heard his stupid voice answer.

“Of course!” I called back. I muttered, “As fair as any of my fights are.”

He stuck his head out and caught a bolt in his forehead.

“Stupid fucking dog,” I laughed as I disappeared.

“YOU CHEATED!” I heard as soon as I got where I was going. I was surrounded by everyone that was in the fight.

I held up my arms in a placating gesture. “What rule did I break?” I asked, smiling.

The naga that accused me jerked his mouth closed with an audible click. I heard grinding teeth from several sources.

“Well alright then,” I said. “What do I win?”

I saw Cadance pushing her way into the circle from the pony side. “Navarone, just what did you do? All the spectators were watching, but we don’t know what happened! None of them,” she said, waving head to both sides, “could or would tell us.”

“Every race approached me and every race asked me to work with them to fight the others. I agreed and told them where to meet me. I gave them the same spot each time. The only race I didn’t agree to help was the dogs, but they did know about the plan.”

The griffin leader seemed to growl. “That was dishonorable, Navarone!”

“And yet who is the victor?” I asked. “What is your honor worth when it causes you to lose?”

“As least I lose knowing I did so fairly!” the griffin shouted. I heard an agreement from the naga.

“Navarone’s victory was fair,” Kumani said. “As soon as you all met him, he told you what kind of fighter he was. We were all stupid for having trusted him.”

“The dragon is right,” Jocasta said, her voice hoarse. “He won using his mind, rather than his skills as a fighter. It is still a victory, like it or not.”

The dogs actually snarled at me. “We can get our revenge next year, featherbrains,” their leader said darkly, still glaring at me. “You’re alright, human. But don’t think that means I won’t gut you next year.”

I wasn’t planning on competing the next year. Fuck that, they’d all tear me to pieces.

The ponies looked to Cadance. “What you did was wrong, Navarone,” she said. “But you didn’t break any rules. I deem you winner of the tournament. Next year, if you enter the competition, there will probably be rules to prevent what you just did. But I think the others would be hard-pressed to make deals with you, after that. The official awards ceremony begins soon. You all need to be there, as there will be awards in a few areas.” She finished that with a bit of distaste. With her special talent being love, she probably wasn’t looking forward to having to give out awards for being violent.

The group dispersed. I followed Cadance, reloading my crossbow. The blunting spell wore off as soon as I was teleported off the field. She led me back to the dining hall and sat at the front again. I took my place at her side, as was proper.

“That was wrong, Navarone,” she said without turning to face me.

“I know,” I answered.

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because fighting isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about winning. Winning is what matters, and winning with the least amount of effort and personal danger involved is the best option there is.”

“And what if you have to hurt an innocent to do it?” she demanded angrily, finally turning to me.

I shrugged. “Sucks for them,” I answered.

“And if you hurt a loved one?”

“Then winning doesn’t matter anymore.” That stopped her. “If you can’t win without hurting those you care about, you shouldn’t try to win. Preserving those you care about is the only real reason to fight, and if you have to go against that, then there is no reason to even bother.” Her mouth dropped. “So when is this awards ceremony?”

“What did you say?” she whispered.

“I asked when the awards ceremony was.”

“Before that.”

I blinked. “Sucks for them?”

“After that.”

“I’m sorry, Cadance; I don’t speak English.”

“Well, neither do I! Now what did you say?”

“Nothing.”

She smiled. “Foal steps, Nav. Foal steps. It’s in an hour; the fight usually takes a lot longer, but with all the contestants converging in one area it went a lot quicker.”

“And after the ceremony we can go home?”

“Yep! We can’t actually teleport into Canterlot, though; we have to go to Manehattan and take a train in, because of a spell blocking all teleports in and out of the area, aside from what Celestia or Luna does.”

“And they can’t just pull us in?”

“They need to conserve their strength; there was a threat made against Canterlot recently.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. At least I can finally get away from all of this,” I said, waving my arm around to everyone, many of whom were now glaring at me.

She just smiled. “Don’t forget that you’re still going to be guarding me!” I just grimaced. I was planning on talking to Celestia about that. And if she didn’t help me, I was planning on talking to Luna about that.

The next hour passed quickly. I got a few congratulations from every race but the naga. The griffins offered me a place as a high-ranking officer or advisor in their army, which I sadly had to decline. I was rather tempted by it, though.

The awards ceremony was nice. There were three awards: Winner, most kills, and best team. I got the ‘winner’ award, one of the dragons got the killer award, and the griffins got the best team award. My award was a pretty swanky medal and fifteen hundred bits to go along with it.

Oh, and the disapproval of pretty much everyone. But I was okay with that.

With the awards ceremony done, the party was over. And since Cadance was in such a big hurry to get back to her wedding preparations, I didn’t get to say bye to any of the people I knew. The good thing is that she teleported all of my cash to ‘somewhere safe,’ so I didn’t have to carry that much money around.

I followed her into the train that was waiting on us, ducking slightly to fit inside. “At least all the danger is over,” I said, sighing lightly as I unloaded my crossbow.

“Yep! Now we just need to get back to Canterlot for my wedding! We’ll have to get a letter out as soon as we get there so your daughter can attend.”

“Look, Cadance, I hate weddings. Do I really have to go?”

“As punishment, yes. You shall go and you shall be my loyal guard.”

I sighed. “This is what I get for being a human in a pony’s world. You’re all just trying to keep me down!”

She rolled her eyes. “No, this is what you get for turning everypony against each other at the tournament. And this is what you get for keeping me awake that night with your… activities. I think it’s fair. And this way, I can talk to you more about love!”

I groaned as the train started back up. She giggled as she led the way to a private car. She opened the door and gestured me inside. “Ladies first, Cadance,” I said with a mocking bow.

She raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think you’ll follow me in if I enter first,” she answered, not moving.

“Oh come now, when have I ever let you down?”

“Technically never, but that might be because I’ve never given you a chance.”

“See there? I have a perfect track record. Surely you can trust me.”

She snorted lightly and stepped into the car. I slid the door shut behind her, locking it in place. I don’t know why there was a lock on the outside, but I wasn’t complaining.

“I’ll get you yet, Navarone!” she called from her side.

“Keep on dreaming, Cadance,” I answered, leaning against the door.

An hour later, we pulled into Canterlot. I turned to open the door, but saw it covered in a green aura. Green? I unlocked it and pulled it open, looking inside. Cadance’s horn was glowing green.

I looked at her in shock. Her look mirrored mine.

“You aren’t Cadance,” I bluntly said. In retrospect, I could have handled that better.

“YOU’RE NOTHING!” she screamed at me, her eyes widening in surprise. My hand jerked to a dagger as her horn glowed green again. I lurched toward her, dagger drawn, when my entire body became enveloped in flame, leaving me in darkness.

Man, I’m a shitty guard.

Chapter Thirty-Three—Weddings to ruin, cheese legs to taunt

Chapter Thirty-Three—Weddings to ruin, cheese legs to taunt

“What the fuck just happened?” I asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

Then I saw a faint glowing. I whipped my head that way, dropping into a fighting stance. I saw Cadance looking my way in fear.

That fear turned to true happiness. “Thank Celestia, you’re okay! I thought she was going to hurt you!” She rushed forward and hugged me, which was somewhat awkward, what with me holding a dagger and all.

When she let me go, I looked around. “So who was that and where are we?”

She grimaced. “That was a changeling.” I had read about them. They feed on emotions, particularly enjoying love. They can take on the shape of anything they want. “As to where we are… I think we’re in the mines under Canterlot.”

I blinked. “That’s impossible. A city as big as Canterlot produces a lot of weight. If there were tunnels under there, the city would have collapsed. That’s the reason Paris doesn’t have any skyscrapers.”

She looked at me blankly. Oh right. Magic.

“So how do we get out?” I asked.

Her light grew much stronger, illuminating the entire area. After a few minutes of checking, we found that there was no way out. We were stuck.

She started crying lightly.

“Cadance, can’t you just… teleport us out?”

She blinked, her tears stopping momentarily. Her horn glowed brightly for a moment before fizzling. We heard laughter echoing through our little chamber. “There is no escape from your little prison,” we heard Cadance’s voice say. “These stones have magical properties. Short range teleportation is possible, but you can’t get far enough away.”

“Show yourself!” Cadance demanded. We just heard laughter again, and it slowly faded away.

“Well, shit.” She started crying again. I sighed at that. “Save your water, Cadance. If we’re going to be down here, you’re going to need it.” Thankfully, I followed my own advice and got a canteen back in Manehattan before we left. I set it down. “One mouthful every hour. We’ll decrease it as we need.”

She didn’t stop crying. “What’s going to happen to my Shining Armor?” she whispered.

“That lady is pretty bitchy. I’m sure they’ll notice her change in attitude. And when Luna finds out that I disappeared, well… They have ways of finding me. When’s the wedding, anyway?”

“Four days,” she sniffled.

“See there? Plenty of time to be rescued. Celestia can deep-six that changeling bitch, we get freed, and you can have your happily ever after.” That got a smile out of her. “Now come on. How about you tell me about yourself? You’ve apparently heard so much about me, but I didn’t even know there was a third alicorn until a few days ago.”

She looked pensive. “Where should I begin? There’s not too much to tell, but I would like to have somewhere to start.”

I shrugged. “How about starting from where you met Twilight? That seems like a common point of interest.”

She smiled and told me how she was Twilight’s foal sitter. Apparently that’s how she met Shining Armor. We talked about her until she finally passed out, sleeping deeply. To be quite honest, I wasn’t feeling that great either… I put my head down for a moment…

And woke up to Cadance groaning. I shot up. “I was asleep!” I gasped. I guess not having any sun or much light was affecting me pretty harshly.

“And we’re still here!” she moaned. “I need to stop her before she sucks the love out of my groom!”

“Relax, Cadance. It’s only been one night. She probably claimed to have sent me home and then went straight to bed, stating weariness from the journey. There’s still three full days before the wedding.”

She sighed, calming down. “You’re right, of course. We’ll be just fine.” We were silent for a moment. “So tell me about yourself, Nav. We talked about me yesterday. Surely you have some tales about yourself as well.”

“Well, you already know about Luna, so that’s the darkest secret.” I don’t think I should mention the brightest secret of Celestia. “I might as well start at the beginning.” I did just that. We talked until we were tired again. We slept next to each other for warmth. I wasn’t very comfortable with waking up being spooned by a pony, but I’ve been through worse. I extricated myself from her before she woke up and didn’t mention it.

She grew increasingly despondent and I grew increasingly weak as the third day went by. I don’t want to write down some of what was said. It hurt me to see someone so happy and full of life be brought down like that. And it also hurt me to grow so weak from not having any sun.

We woke up the fourth day to the sound of explosions. “Did you hear that?” I asked as I sat up, rubbing my eyes. The canteen was long emptied, meaning we had to deal with crusty mouths.

“It sounded close…” she said.

“A cave-in, maybe.” We heard it again. “That was right next to us!” We went over to the wall we heard it coming from. I tapped my fingers on it. “This is hollow! Can you break it with magic?”

Her horn glowed for a second before the wall exploded. “Good job,” I said to her.

“That wasn’t me,” she whispered, watching as the dust cleared.

“Twilight?” we both said at the same time, seeing her there.

“YOU!” she screamed, jumping at Cadance.

The strength of her tackle sent them a few feet into our chamber. I rushed in and pulled Twilight off Cadance. “This is the real one, Twilight! Calm down.”

“And how do I know you’re real, hm?” she harshly asked.

“Because if you get us out of this I’ll consider forgiving you for letting the dragons almost kill me.”

That calmed her down. “It is you! Thank Celestia! But… if you’re the real Cadance, who is the other one?”

“A changeling,” Cadance answered. “They can look like anypony they want to, and feed off emotion. We have to stop her!”

“Damn right. But first we have to get out,” I said.

Twilight smiled. “I can just teleport us out!”

“Nope. Short range teleportation only down here,” I said. “We tried that when we first got here.”

She sighed and looked back the way she came. We all turned our gaze that way and saw a faraway glint. I felt air stirring gently over my arm hair.

“That way,” we all said, pointing the same direction. We started running.

After a moment, I said, “Do… Do you hear music?”

Cadance began to sing. For fuck’s sake. At least it was a pretty good song, though I felt like we were only hearing half of it. Given that this style of song was often sung with one happy side and one evil side, I figured her doppelganger was up top, singing the opposite stanzas.

Anyway, cue a long run out of the mine shaft, with a trip on a mining cart included. I flew alongside it, not trusting it. It ended with us facing three evil bridesmaids, one of which was Lyra and one of which was Colgate. They were easily taken care of, though sadly my suggestion of punching them in the face wasn’t taken; Cadance actually just distracted them with a bouquet of flowers that appeared out of nowhere.

“Where’s the wedding happening?” I asked as we ran into Canterlot, bypassing the shield around the city. I felt the energy surging through me as the sunlight hit my hair.

“In the Royal Overlook,” Twilight answered, huffing slightly. I knew where that was.

I smiled. “Divide and conquer. You go in and distract them. I’ll come in from behind and kill this cunt while her back is turned.”

They nodded, both too tired to speak. I took off into the air, flying to the outside of the overlook. When Twilight and Cadance burst in, I would be in the perfect position to shoot this changeling in the back. I held on for dear life, hoping no one saw my fingers gripping the edge. After a few minutes, I heard someone barge in, interrupting the ceremony. I heard some pointless exposition and then an explosion. I propelled myself up, letting the air catch my wings and aiming the crossbow at a cylinder of green fire.

I gaped when I saw the changeling’s true form. That is so very, very badass. Why can’t the good guys ever look like that? She was shaped like a pony, with dragonfly-like wings, each one ragged and covered in holes. Not practical, but I guess magic helps. She had a horn on her head that was all kinds of fucked up: It jutted in three different directions, angling sharply. Her four legs had holes drilled through the lower halves so that you could see clear through. Her hair was a long and straight light blue. She appeared to have a crown or something on her head. There looked to be some kind of green saddle or something strapped to her back. She also looked unhealthily skinny. I couldn’t see it at the time, but later I found her eyes were neon green with lizard-like irises. She had large fangs for teeth.

I shook my head and readied the shot, aiming at the base of her neck. She stepped in front of Shining Armor, cutting off my shot. I gripped my crossbow nervously. If I move too much, she might see me. She was going on and on about some plan. God, even her voice is awesome! I ducked behind a pillar until I heard her move again and continue talking. I moved back out. This time Celestia was in my way. For fuck’s sake!

Lacking anything else to do, I actually started listening to her. Apparently she was the queen of the changeling race or something, meaning it was… it was… her job to secure food. I looked at her body again.

As skinny as she was... It looked like she was starving. If I had to guess, I'd say she wasn’t attacking us to be evil, but rather out of desperation. She had no choice, if she wanted to feed her people.

Celestia finally spoke up. “No, you won’t.” In reply to something about taking over Equestria. “You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I will protect my subjects from you!” That last was said while jumping into the air and launching a spell at the queen. The queen countered with one of her own.

Well, Celestia did kind of have a point. What the changeling did was still wrong, even if it was for a good reason. All of that went through my mind very quickly as I readied a shot. I hesitated for an instant, watching the flow of things. For a second, it looked like Celestia would come on top easily, but then the changeling began to push back.

“Nope,” I said aloud as my finger tightened on the trigger, sending a bolt right at the queen’s chest. It bounced off, but it was enough of a distraction to give Celestia the upper hand, bringing her spell down to the queen and knocking her back into a pillar with a nasty crunch. The queen slid to the floor with a thud, knocked clean out.

Most everyone in the room was pretty shocked with this whole turn of events. Cadance reacted first, sprinting up to the stage and doing her best to wake Shining Armor up from his stupor. Her horn glowed for a brief moment and a heart leapt out of it, hitting him in the head. I flinched, reminded of a bad experience with the need it/want it spell. He flinched as well, shaking his head clear.

Celestia and I walked over to the changeling queen, while Twilight ran up to her friends—standing where the bridesmaids would be. “I was wondering when she would show her hoof,” Celestia mused aloud as we looked down on the unconscious queen. “That wasn’t a dog at the party, it was a changeling.”

“I told you that you should have let me question it,” I said, looking down at the queen.

“I knew it was a changeling as soon as I read its memories, Navarone. I didn’t tell anypony because I wanted the queen to show her hoof. They can disguise as anypony they want, so I didn’t know who I could trust. When you disappeared, I knew the queen had taken Cadance. But without knowing where you and the real Cadance were, I didn’t want to risk letting her know I knew. I could faintly see you with the eavesdropping spell, but I couldn’t teleport you out.” I saw a bright pink light behind us and I turned around. Shining Armor was back. Apparently it was his job to keep the protection spell up around the city. It had grown weak while his mind was being corrupted, so he just strengthened it.

“Well, we won. This queen is still very powerful, though. If I hadn’t intervened, she would have won that little duel.”

“You are correct, Navarone. That is why I’m going to banish her to Tartarus before she wakes up.”

I turned to Celestia. “That would be genocide, Celestia. What she did was wrong, yes, but can you honestly say you would have done differently if your people were starving?”

Her eyes hardened. “I would have asked first,” Celestia answered.

“So you’re going to condemn the entire race to death because of the mistakes of their queen? Surely I am not the only one that can see the use of a race that can shapeshift at will. And if all you have to do is feed her love, it shouldn’t be that hard to find an agreement.”

She sighed. “You aren’t wrong. Watch her. If she moves at all, yell.” She walked away and I turned back to the queen, reloading my crossbow. I picked her crown off her head and looked at it. Is this made of… fungus? I put it back on her head, shuddering lightly. As I did so, I couldn’t help but feel her mane. It’s like moss… Just what the hell is this chick made of? I tapped her jet black horn. It felt like every other horn.

I stood back up, hearing others approach. “And you just want me to put her in a bubble?” Shining Armor asked, sounding incredibly surprised.

“Yes, I do,” Celestia answered. “I don’t want your wedding day to be ruined by knowing the pony guilty for almost ruining it is running free. We shall deal with her after the wedding.” The queen shifted. I had my crossbow up in an instant, pointed at her head. “Now!” Celestia commanded. His horn glowed, wrapping the queen in a see-through pink bubble. The bubble gently rose a bit off the ground. The queen shifted again, and then was still.

“Princess, we uh… We have a problem,” Twilight said. We all looked her way. She was looking outside, up.

“Navarone, stay here. Watch her. Shining Armor, come with me.” They walked over to the edge and looked up. I heard Shining Armor whistle lightly. Celestia turned to him. “Can you move that bubble?”

“Yes, Princess.”

Celestia looked at the crowd. “Go to your homes, my little ponies. The wedding will be postponed for one week. Do not panic at the sight awaiting you in the skies; we are all perfectly safe.” They slowly began to filter out. Celestia turned to the collection of bridesmaids and the others. “Rainbow Dash, Cadance, grab Shining Armor. Shining Armor, carry the bubble with the queen. Navarone, come with me and be ready to fight.” We all did as she asked. The bubble drifted over to the group. “Now follow me, everypony.” We walked to the edge and jumped into the air, Cadance and Rainbow Dash carrying Shining Armor.

I looked up. Holy fuck. There was an entire horde of changelings above us. We flew up to the main concentration of them and hovered there. Slowly the horde sorted itself out and one very large one was staring at us standing on the shield.

“Navarone, stick your hand out of the shield,” Celestia ordered.

Are you fucking crazy? I did as she asked, though. The big changeling grabbed it. “Pull him in,” she told me. I did.

“You have our queen,” the guy rasped. He wasn’t angry or sad. Just matter-of-fact.

“She will be well-treated, pending your behavior,” Celestia answered. “If you desire, you may pick one changeling to keep her company. The queen will be staying here for a little while. Depending on how our talks go, she will either be returning home or she will be taking an extended vacation to Tartarus.”

Cadance, Shining Armor, and Rainbow Dash all looked at Celestia like she was crazy.

The changeling nodded. “You are merciful,” he rasped. “I am needed to guide our people until a new queen may be chosen or ours is returned to us.” He looked up. One changeling immediately struck the shield, trying to get to us. He turned to me. “That one,” he said. “Pull her through.” I looked to Celestia, who nodded. I reached up and let the changeling grasp my arm. I tugged her through. The male turned to the new one. “Protect the queen. You will be her only servant for some time.”

“Yes, commander!” the female said.

The commander turned to Celestia. “This is Doppel. She is one of Queen Chrysalis’s maids. She will not misbehave.”

Celestia nodded and turned to Doppel with a smile. “Welcome to Canterlot.”

Shining Armor slipped slightly and Cadance looked down. I knew she was weak from her time in the caves. Celestia said, “Rainbow Dash, take them down. Cadance, get some food in you, and then go get some rest. We can take this from here. Doppel, go with your queen.”

With a chorus of “Yes, Princesses,” they all left. Celestia and I were left with this commander fellow.

She turned to him. “I want your ponies away from Canterlot, commander. I want them away from Equestria entirely, but I don’t think that will be happening…” She thought for a moment. With a bright flash, she summoned a map. “Navarone, where was the entrance to the caves in which you were trapped?”

I looked down at the map, and then up to the surrounding countryside. I pointed a spot out on the map when I found the position. “Around here. But there are three bridesmaids down there, brainwashed. We need to bring them back.”

She muttered something dark. “Go with them, Navarone. Lead them to the cave and bring back the three ponies there.” Celestia turned to the commander. “If the four of them don’t make it back, your queen will suffer.”

He bowed his head. “This one,” referring to me, “is empty. We do not need him. The others have already been sucked dry by the queen; until they are given a chance to recuperate, they are useless to us.”

Celestia didn’t look happy about that, but there wasn’t much she could do. “Go, Navarone. Come back to me as soon as you get back to the city. We have several important things to discuss. And do not let your guard down.”

“I’ll be fine, Celestia.” She nodded, and began to descend back down to the palace. “So what is your name?” I asked the commander.

“I am called Ditto,” he answered. “I am the commander of her majesty’s swarm.”

“Neat. Shall we?”

“The swarm follows you, Navarone,” he answered. I pulled him out of the bubble. When I did, I finally heard the sounds of the changelings. It… It cut into my mind. Think of a swarm of locusts. Now magnify that a hundred-fold, increasing the size of the locusts and the size of the swarm. Beam that sound directly into your brain. Then you’ll know a little bit of the sound of that mass of changelings.

It was disquieting, to say the least. It wasn’t helping that they were all staring at me with blank expressions. “That’s not creepy or anything,” I said aloud. They all continued staring.

“Go, Navarone. We follow,” Ditto said. I turned and flew to where the entrance to the caverns was. I heard the swarm following me. Ditto flew at my side.

I landed right in front of the entrance. “This is it,” I said. “There is a massive cave system down there, with very little light. You’ll want to be careful that you don’t lose many of your people before you have the system mapped out. But for now, wait out here; I need to go get the ponies out.”

“Navarone, what are… people?”

“You and me. We’re people.” I waved my hand over my shoulder at the changeling army. “Those are people.” I pointed to the hole. “The ponies down there are people. ‘Your’ people would mean all of the changelings under your command.” He nodded once. I jumped back into the cave, sliding down the steep incline leading up to the entrance. When I got down, I heard the three ponies still fighting for the bouquet.

I walked over to the three, watching and wondering what to do. Eventually, I sighed and ripped Lyra from the group. She struggled at first until I began tickling her tummy with my fingers. She stopped fighting and starting laughing. After a moment, I saw the green eyes that signified someone was mind-wiped by the queen disappear from her and I stopped.

She quickly calmed down. “Where am I? Navarone, is that you? What am I… what am I wearing?”

“You’re in the caves below Canterlot, yes it is me, and you are wearing a dress.”

“What happened?” she wearily asked, trying to stand to her hooves.

“You were brainwashed by the queen of the changelings and had all of the love slowly stripped from your mind, leaving your body weak and under her control.”

She looked at me like I was an idiot. “That’s stupid. What really happened?”

I shook my head. “Not important. Help me wake the others up.” That was when she noticed them.

“What are you two doing? This is a joyous occasion, not a time to be fighting!” She used her magic to rip the bouquet from their hooves and threw it over the side of a nearby cliff. We actually teleported up it, the drop was so far. “Come on you two, we have to get back to Canterlot for the wedding!”

They looked at her with glowing green eyes that slowly narrowed. “She broke free,” one of them said.

“Not for long,” the other answered.

“Uh, Nav?” Lyra whispered, backing into me. “What are they talking about?”

I popped my knuckles, walking past her. “You’ll find out when you get back to the castle,” I answered.

Two punched out ponies and several new curses added to Lyra’s dictionary later, we got the two of them back to the surface.

“Cave’s all yours, Ditto,” I told him.

He nodded. “Thank you, Navarone. We will settle in shortly. Do you require aid with your charges?”

“I wouldn’t say no to the help. I sure don’t feel like dragging either of them back to Canterlot.”

“Navarone… What are those?” Lyra stammered. I looked at her and saw she was staring at the changelings, completely terrified. I think she was just now able to form words.

“Changelings,” I answered. “Now come on, we need to get back.”

Ditto gestured to a small group of changelings that came towards us. “Four of you go with them. Escort them to the shell. Carry the unconscious ponies.”

Without a word, the changelings picked the ponies up and dropped them on the backs of two of their number. They all looked to me. With a sigh, I led the way back toward the castle.

“Navarone, what happened to us?” Lyra asked, her voice wavering.

“You were brainwashed by the queen of the changelings, helped almost doom Equestria, and tried to keep Cadance, Twilight, and I from saving the day.”

She promptly fainted. One of the changelings threw her over the back of another one. We continued on the way.

As we walked, I tried to draw the changelings into a conversation with no results at all. They all seemed completely blank. After my third attempt, I just sighed. Then a thought hit me. “So you guys can change into anything at all, eh? Can you turn into a human?”

The changelings looked at each other. After a moment, the one without a pony on his back mirrored myself, but was walking on hands and legs. He pushed himself to his feet and promptly fell on his ass. I couldn’t help a smile as he shifted back to the bug-like changeling. I reached out and pulled him to his feet. I shivered at the feel of his skin—it was like an exoskeleton.

“So you can do bipedal, but you can’t stand on two legs without practice. Neat.”

One of them turned into Rainbow Dash. One turned into Cadance. One turned into Shining Armor. One turned into Celestia. I laughed. “Oh man, if you guys could talk, this would be perfect! I don’t suppose you can do magic?”

They looked at each other. Rainbow Dash—the one without a pony on its back—shrugged. I smiled at that. Even as a changeling, she was avoiding work. They all turned back to their real shapes; we were nearing the shell and they probably didn’t want any of the ponies inside seeing them and assuming they were mocking the princess or something. If they could even think.

I walked up to the shell, smiling at the possibilities of an army of shapeshifters. I heard four thuds behind me as the changelings bumped into the wall. I turned and saw them all on their asses, rubbing their heads. The ponies were on the ground, dropped unceremoniously.

An army of really stupid shapeshifters. I shook my head and waved forward a few guards to help me carry the ponies into town. The guards followed me out of the bubble and glared at the changelings.

“Relax, men. We have their queen; they won’t try anything.”

One of the changelings turned into a guard, complete with armor. One of the others smacked him in the face, causing him to change back.

I shook my head with a smile. “These guys are fucking awesome. Now go back to the caves, you four. We have it from here.”

With bad salutes, they took off and went back to the caves.

“You’re getting too close to those monsters,” one of the guards said as he hefted Lyra. “Now what happened to these three?”

“They were reluctant to come back. I had to persuade them. Take them to a doctor. Strap the dark blue one and the white one down until the teal one says they can go.” With much better salutes, the guards trotted off. I flew back to the overlook to find it almost empty.

The three guards posted there saluted as soon as I landed. “I’m not an officer,” I said. “Where’s Princess Celestia?”

“Follow me,” one of them said. I did just that as he led me through the winding palace. We slowly worked our way into the depths of the palace until we eventually got to the dungeons, where he pawned me off to another guard. I followed him deeper into the depths until we got to where the queen was apparently being kept.

It was just her and Celestia in the room, with the queen being in the bubble. The queen had Celestia’s shape.

I watched them glare at each other for a few seconds before loudly closing the door behind me. They both turned their glares to me before the queen gasped. “The void has returned!” she whispered, shifting to her real shape.

“About time, Navarone,” Celestia said. “I am beginning to regret letting you talk me into sparing this changeling. She is incorrigible.”

“You should know this lesson by now, Celestia,” I said. “If you want respect, you must first give it. Queen Chrysalis is a guest, not a prisoner. She does not belong in the dungeons, though she does belong in her bubble until she proves that she is not a threat.” The sound of Celestia’s teeth grinding was rather audible, and the queen smirked at her. I turned my gaze up to her. “The same goes for you, queen. You did nothing at all to represent your interests here. I asked that you be spared because I understand what you did, not because it was right. You acted like a cunt and you deserve whatever punishment you get because of it. But my species has killed enough other species to know that it is a bad idea to do so, and I know that your people depend on you. I believe that a deal can be made between the ponies and the changelings, but for right now, both of you need time to calm down and cool off.”

They both glared at me for a moment before turning to each other and smiling. “I told you he would say something like that,” Celestia said warmly.

“You were right about him, I’ll admit,” Chrysalis said, not warmly but at least not harshly.

With a glow of Celestia’s horn, we teleported to one of the fine rooms for guests in the palace. Chrysalis’s bubble slowly expanded until it covered the entire room. “These are your quarters for now. If you continue acting reasonably, you can stay here. I will try to find a volunteer to… donate… some love to sustain you. Do not harm them overmuch and everything will be fine. We will talk every now and then, and you might receive some visitors. If the visitors are not accompanied by me, Navarone, or Luna, do not let them inside. We will discuss terms in eight days, after the wedding. Now, I would stay, but I must go and fix the mess you made of my kingdom.”

Chrysalis nodded, not looking ashamed or anything like that. “Would you mind if I spoke with the void, before you remove it?” she asked.

Celestia turned to me for a second before looking back to Chrysalis. “You can talk with him later. I need him for now. Come, Navarone.” Celestia turned and left, leaving the door open.

“I’ll send your maid to you when I find her, your majesty,” I said with a nod.

She had already turned, examining her room. I saw her horn flash for a moment before fizzling. She gave a frustrated snarl and I left before she noticed I was still there; she might be unable to use magic, but she still deflected a crossbow bolt with her chest.

I gently shut the door behind me, to find Celestia staring at me. “Be careful with her, Navarone. She is old and wily. She may be here because you requested it, but that does not mean she will feel beholden to you.”

“I’m not worried about her, Celestia,” I answered. “I may be an idiot, but even I am not stupid enough to get close to something like her.” I would be visiting a few times, though; she was probably one of the few people in this blasted world I could have a dark conversation with, without being judged. I was tired of getting looks when I mentioned some things.

“Remember that, Navarone. Now come. We have things to discuss.” I followed her to that evil sitting room that I hate and want to burn down. She opened the door and went inside. I followed her and stopped.

“Celestia, when did Taya get cloned?”

“It’s amazing what happens when you disappear for a week and a half,” Twilight said. I didn’t even notice her; I was too busy looking at the two Tayas that were staring at me.

I looked at them both. One was Doppel, I knew that much. I studied them both for a few seconds. After a moment, I looked to the one on the left. “Daughter, I’m back.” The one on the right shifted to a changeling as Taya ran up to me and hugged me.

“Aww, how did you know?” Doppel asked, somewhat disappointed. “I wanted a snack!”

I heard an intake of breath from Twilight. I looked at Doppel. “Father’s instincts. Your queen desires you.”

“I don’t know the way,” she answered with a shrug. Celestia’s horn glowed for an instant and Doppel disappeared from view.

“Daddy, what’s this?” Taya asked, jerking my medal with magic. I didn’t even realize I was still wearing it. I pulled it off and showed it to her.

“I won a tournament while I was away,” I said. I pulled the bag of bits from my pocket and hefted it slightly. “A raw platinum medal and a large bag full of bits. I don’t think it was worth it, to keep me away from my daughter.”

She looked up at me, beaming.

Twilight said, “You won the tournament, Nav? All by yourself?”

“I sort of cheated, but I did win, yes.”

“‘Sort of’ cheat doesn’t quite cover it, Navarone,” Celestia said with disapproval. “I’ve already had complaints from other participants. What you did was nothing short of brilliant, and yet at the same time so darkly underhanded that I feel dirty congratulating you for it. I’m thinking about changing the rules for the first time in history.”

I smiled. “Why thank you, Celestia. That means a lot, coming from you.” She grimaced.

“Okay, now you have to tell the story!” Twilight said.

I explained to her what I did.

“Correct me if I use this phrase wrong, Nav, but… that’s fucked up,” Twilight said.

I nodded. “You used it correctly. And it most definitely was. Now don’t say that word in front of Celestia again; she’s too young to hear that kind of language!”

“Ahem,” Celestia said. We turned to her. “You didn’t break any rules and you were already declared the winner. And you are hereby banned from competing in any further tournaments of that kind.”

I turned back to Twilight. “This is what I get for winning. Do you think that’s fair?”

“Navarone, shut up,” Twilight simply said.

Human in a pony’s world, man. Just not fair. I shook my head.

Celestia ahemmed again. “Now, Navarone, we need to commission you a suit of armor for your knighting ceremony.”

“Back up.” No one moved. “What was that?”

Celestia smiled at me. “You need a suit of armor to be knighted in. I already have your friend Rarity working on a few designs, but they’ll need your approval.” I felt my wings slowly stiffen at each word she said, until they were sticking out completely.

I opened my mouth, only to have it forced closed by magic.

“You aren’t going to win this argument,” Celestia told me. “I am going to knight you and that is that. The ceremony is going to take place immediately after the wedding, so everypony that’s important will be there. Your armor should be ready by then. I can commission you a new weapon as well, if you desire.”

I felt the magic around my mouth dissipate. “Fuck no.” The magic closed my mouth again.

“No new sword. Fine.” I shook my head. “We’ve already been over that, Nav. You don’t want a sword.” I glared at her. “This isn’t a discussion. I. Am. Going. To. Knight. You. There is no choice here.” She looked pensive for a moment and raised a hoof to her chin. “Well, there might be a choice, actually. You can let Luna knight you instead. Which would you prefer to be, Nav: A Lunar knight or a Solar knight?”

The magic disappeared again. “Neither,” I growled. The magic shut it again.

“Well, you don’t have to choose now.” I heard Twilight giggling behind me. I turned my glare to her, which just made her giggle more. “Now Twilight, that’s no way to congratulate your friend!” Fucking Trollestia. I forced my wings back down. “Princess Cadance will want to speak to you as soon as she wakes up, so you should probably go wash up. And you should get some food in you as well. When you do those, go and talk to Rarity; she’ll want to hear your opinion on the armor.”

The magic on my mouth disappeared again. I opened my mouth but before I could say anything Celestia said, “Your room is to the right of the queen’s.” I shut my mouth.

I left the room and stalked away. I heard a gentle clopping following me, and I knew if I turned, I would find Taya following me. I slowed down for a moment so she could walk alongside me. “Taya, do not go into the room next to ours for any reason, unless it is with me. And if I ever ask you to go in there without telling you the code word, don’t do it.”

“What’s the code word?”

“Bacon. The lady that lives in there feeds off emotions. A lot of bad things just happened because of her. We are trying to help her, but finding a little filly might be too much of a temptation for her.”

“Don’t worry about me, daddy.”

“I always worry about you. That’s my job.” She smiled at that. “When did you get here?”

The smile dropped. “Three days ago. Twilight brought me here to be a… flower filly. I told her that you wouldn’t make me do that, but she said that you weren’t here. Celestia agreed with me.”

Damn right. “I didn’t like doing stuff like that as a child, either. God, I hate weddings. I much prefer funerals, but I got banned from them back home; I cracked one too many jokes and my family decided enough was enough.” It wasn’t quite as strong as the legal order I had banning me from singing, but when the entire family gets behind banning someone from a family event, you don’t tend to get invited to many.

“It sure is a shame you’re going to be the guest of honor, then!” Pinkie said, jumping out from behind Taya.

Yes, I am aware that doesn’t make sense. This is Pinkie Pie.

“Ooh, you reek! Where have you been these past few days?”

“Trapped in some caverns with Cadance,” I answered. “It was awful. She wouldn’t shut up about love! It was love this and love that. I really wanted to smack her.”

“Well duh! She’s getting married, Nav! Of course she’s talking about love so much. Besides, it’s her special talent! Did you see what she did to Shining Armor at the botched wedding?”

“No, I was too busy watching Queen Chrysalis.”

“Oooh, is that her name? I was just on my way to visit her now!”

“How did yo—never mind.” How did she know where her room was? “I was going to visit her after I take a shower. Wait in my room and we’ll go together.”

She waved a hoof. “I don’t need a foal-sitter, Nav. I’m an adult too!”

“She isn’t allowed visitors that aren’t accompanied by me, Luna, or Celestia. I’m shacked up right next to her for that reason.”

She frowned. “That doesn’t seem very fair, Nav. How is she supposed to make friends like that?”

“I don’t know.” I felt sorry for Chrysalis, at the look of determination I saw on Pinkie’s face. “Where is Rarity staying? I will need to talk to her after I visit the queen.”

She smiled. “I can lead you there. I have plenty of spare time since the reception is already fully planned, but Rarity is working overtime now that the real Princess Cadance is back!” And when that is done, I’ll need to eventually talk to Luna.

Pinkie Pie proceeded to repeat the word “Blah” several hundred times in rapid succession while we continued walking to my room. I nodded a few times and giggled when she paused and looked at me expectantly. At one particularly fierce round of them, I shook my head. “I disagree, but I understand why you think that.” She glared at me and continued saying ‘blah.’ When she paused I shrugged. “I’m sorry, that’s just my opinion. I don’t judge you for it, and I hope you don’t think ill of me.” She shook her head with a sigh and gave a few conciliatory blahs, and then launched into another quick round. I nodded my head at the end and she clopped her front hooves together quickly, beaming.

I saw Taya next to me staring straight ahead with a thousand yard stare, trying to ignore Pinkie. I felt Taya’s pain; I had no idea what was going on. I just found that it’s best to humor her sometimes.

When we got to my room, I led the way in and immediately stopped. Pinkie bumped into me and let out a much darker blah. I pushed her out the door and slammed it shut.

On my bed was a very naked female version of me. It was horrifying.

“Doppel, I swear to God if you do not change yourself and get out of my room, I will kill you so hard you die to death.”

My lips were not made to pout like that. “Don’t you want to love me?”

I felt like vomiting. “GET OUT! And if I ever catch you doing this shit again, your queen will be punished! You are here as a boon to her, not to satisfy your own desires!” She sighed as she shifted to her changeling form. I nodded. “Tell your queen to expect visitors shortly. I’m bringing two ponies to meet her after I get out of the shower. And if you do not inform her of this incident, Iwill. Now go.” She shifted to Taya’s form again as she stood to go. I grabbed her by her throat and lifted her up to my face. “You will not change forms away from your queen’s rooms without permission. At all. Or you will be banned from leaving her rooms as well. Do we have an understanding?”

She nodded weakly. I let her fall to the floor. She changed back to her changeling form. “Now get out.” She walked to the door, tail between her legs. She opened it and left without a word. Pinkie bounced in and Taya followed.

“What was that about, Nav?” Pinkie asked.

I grimaced. “The queen’s maid was not clear on a matter of decorum. I informed her of it.” I started emptying my pockets. The medal and the bag of bits I had left went to the bed. A large dragon scale followed them. An empty canteen clicked when it bounced off the medal. I started removing weapons and turned to Pinkie. “Touch whatever you want, but don’t break anything.” I saw a gleam in her eyes. “Whatever, not whoever.” She sighed. I looked around the room. “Damn, I’m going to need some clothes.”

Taya used magic to open a drawer. I looked inside. I kicked the drawer shut. “DAMMIT!” It was full of brightly colored clothes stamped with Celestia’s royal seal. Taya magicked another drawer open and it was full of dark clothes with Luna’s seal. “That’s not making me any happier, Taya!” She smiled and opened a third one. It had some of my clothes from Ponyville. “Much better,” I said to her. “Thank you.” She nodded.

“So… what were in the other two drawers?” Pinkie asked as I pulled some clothes out.

“Look for yourself,” I sighed as I closed the bathroom door behind me.

A shower later, I stepped back into my room to find a tea party going on. Knowing Pinkie was there, I wasn’t entirely surprised, but I was quite surprised with the party guests: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Taya.

I looked at Applejack and Rainbow Dash. “I swear to God, if one of you is Doppel, I’m going to drag you to her room and chain you to the fucking floor.”

“Relax, Nav,” Rainbow said. “That crazy shapeshifter can’t match up to me!”

“She sure can’t beat the ego,” Applejack slyly said, sipping at some tea. “But who is Doppel? One of them freaky bug things?”

“She’s the maid of Queen Chrysalis,” I answered.

“Queen who-now?” AJ asked.

“The big evil thing we captured today,” I said.

“Oh, her. Why does she have a maid, again?”

“Because she’s a queen?” Pinkie said. “Duh, AJ.”

“What she means,” Rainbow Dash said, “is, why are we treating her so nicely? She tried to take over Equestria and she totally ruined the wedding!”

How can I explain this in a way that will make them not hate Chrysalis? Time for conjecture, I guess. “Alright, all of you listen: Did you look at her when she transformed?”

“Yeah, she was really creepy!” Applejack said.

“And evil!” Rainbow Dash added.

“She was starving,” Pinkie Pie whispered into her cup of tea.

The other two looked at her in surprise. Applejack nodded in understanding after a moment. “She was awfully skinny.”

“I don’t get it,” Rainbow Dash said. “She had all the food a princess could need!”

I shook my head. “She’s a changeling, Rainbow Dash. They can’t survive off regular food.” She blinked. “They eat emotions.” Rainbow Dash and Applejack gasped.

“So that’s what she was talking about!” Applejack said, putting the words of the evil speech together with what I just told her.

“Applejack and Pinkie understand, Rainbow. Do you?”

“So she was trying to… eat Shining Armor?”

“She was trying to help her subjects, Rainbow. It is her job to obtain food. But when you have a species that eats love, food is hard to obtain; it’s hard to convince someone to feed you something like that when it means they have to go without. Chrysalis isn’t evil, she’s just desperate, and is trying to be a good ruler for her people. She migrated to where there is an abundance of food so her people won’t be starving anymore.” She looked at me blankly. “Think back to the founding of Equestria. All three pony races moved from their barren, freezing land to a new paradise. They moved here because food could be grown and their people could flourish. It wasn’t perfectly good for the environment, but the ponies didn’t think about that because to them, the environment was just a way of securing food. But to Chrysalis, ponies are the trees and love is the crop. She might not want to hurt them, but she has to in order to feed her people.”

Although to be quite honest, I think she might enjoy her job a little bit too much. I wasn’t about to say that in front of them, though. After all, I wanted them to think Chrysalis wasn't completely evil. I know how much Celestia values the input of Twilight, and I know how much Twilight values the input of her friends. Even if most of them aren't overly intelligent.

“She couldn’t have just asked?” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“Chrysalis has been the queen of her people for a long time. How many races do you think she has asked for help, and how many times do you think she has been rebuked? Think about it: Would you willingly give up some emotions just so something as creepy looking as her can sustain herself?” She blinked.

“Well…” She stopped.

“Think about it,” I said, walking over to my bed. I began to strap weapons back on. “It is always good to keep an open mi—Pinkie, what the fuck is this?” I held up a sheath with a rubber chicken stuffed into it.

“That’s a chicken, Nav,” she said. “Are you okay? I mean, that was a pretty stupid question.”

I dropped the chicken and threw my sword belt over my shoulder. “I’m ready when you are, Pinkie.” I turned to find them all staring at me. “What?”

There was a chorus of ‘nothing.’ I shrugged.

“So Nav, where did you get this?” Pinkie asked. I flinched when I realized she was suddenly right next to me and holding the medal I got from the tournament.

“I won it.”

She read off it, “512th European Grand Combatant Tournament Winner. What does that mean?”

Rainbow Dash spit out her tea all over an instantly disgusted Applejack. Before anyone could react, Rainbow Dash was in my face. “You won that? What happened to the ponies? Spitfire was in that tournament this year!”

I shrugged. “They got their asses kicked. The unicorn put up a large fight, but the other two were put down before they could even fight back. I think the unicorn scored two kills before getting waxed himself.”

Rainbow Dash moaned in disappointment. “What happened?” she groaned.

“Oh, I betrayed them all. It was pretty awesome. Every team that participated asked me if I wanted to help them fight the other teams, and I said yes to each one and told them to all meet me in the same place. They all showed up there and found each other, so it was a glorious and brutal melee. Ponies have no place in something like that. The only team that walked away from that whole was the dogs, and that’s because I told them where not to go because I wanted them to help me mop up the angry survivors.”

Applejack was staring at me in horror and Rainbow Dash was staring at me in disgust. Pinkie Pie was trying to catch her reflection in the dragon scale. “So where did you get this?” she asked, holding it up.

“A friend,” I answered.

“A special friend?” she asked with a grin.

“Yes.” She gasped, dropping the scale and her grin. I picked it up and stared at it before putting it back on the bed. “I’ll probably never see her again, though. No great loss.” Her grin picked up again. “Now, we are expected. We really do need to go.” I turned to Rainbow Dash and Applejack. “Enjoy the hospitality of my room. I don’t know when we’ll be back, but I expect you’ll be seeing Pinkie Pie shortly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Pinkie demanded.

“She’s going to be a friend like Cranky Doodle,” I answered. If she doesn’t immediately try to ban me from bringing Pinkie back, at least.

“Well, at least she’ll be a friend!”

“Who are y’all gonna go see?” Applejack asked.

“Chrysalis,” I answered. AJ nodded and Rainbow Dash blanched. “Come along, Taya.” She didn’t move. “Bacon.” She trotted to me.

“You can’t take a filly to see her!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“You would be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Rainbow Dash,” I answered. “Wait here if you want.” I led my little group out and down the hall. It wasn’t a long walk. “Any doubts, now’s your chance,” I said.

Pinkie Pie and Taya nodded at me. I knocked. Half a second later, the door opened wide and Princess Celestia wearing a French maid dress opened the door. Pinkie giggled.

“We’re here to see her majesty,” I said.

Celestia shifted to Chrysalis. “What do you want, void?” she practically hissed at me.

“You said you wished to talk to me. I brought a friend full of life and a child full of love so my presence wouldn’t hurt you so much.”

Her gaze turned to Pinkie Pie and she snarled. “I remember you, pink one.” Her eyes turned down to Taya. “You, I do not know. How did the void con you here, purple one?”

“If you mean my dad, he asked me to come see you. I don’t know why, though; you seem pretty rude.”

Chrysalis jerked back, her gaze returning to me. “Interesting. You and the purple one may enter. I request that the pink one never return.”

“I’ll give you this warning for your own benefit: It’s better to humor Pinkie Pie a few times than it is to try to rebuke her. She’ll find increasingly improbable ways to annoy you until you either go insane or finally give up,” I told her. Pinkie’s smile grew impossibly wide and she nodded at what I said.

“I will take my chances.”

I shrugged. “That is your right. Pinkie, head on back; I’ll still need you to take me to Rarity.”

Her entire body seemed to deflate, but her eyes took on a very sharp focus on Chrysalis. “Soon. You,” she said, before slinking down the hall, staring the entire way.

“Enter, void.” The door opened further, allowing Taya and I inside. She silently closed the door and followed us in. “I do not approve of this décor, but given my options, I suppose I cannot complain.” Her options were Tartarus, dungeon, or this. “And I believe I have you to thank for what little I do have.”

I turned to her, to find her staring out the window. “I cannot make up Celestia’s mind. I can merely offer advice. She chose to take it. I thought you deserved a chance to present your case in a manner that did not make you appear insane and dangerous. You still have a chance of ending up in Tartarus, don’t get me wrong. But now, at least, you can seek to help your people in a way that doesn’t involve torturing another race.”

“Let me tell you a story, Navarone.”

“I don’t like stories.”

“Then I’ll tell you this: I petitioned Celestia for aid nine hundred years ago. She denied me. She told me that if any of my changelings were caught in her territory posing as a pony, it would mean war, and that was something we could not win at the time. I could go into all the history of it, but it boils down to that one event right there. I asked for help and she told me no.”

“There is history on your side and there is history on her side. A hundred years before you asked her, she was forced to banish her own sister to the moon, using powers they were supposed to only be able to wield together. For a long period of time, Celestia was in a massive depression that only started to wind down around a hundred and fifty years after the event. Fifty years after you asked for her help.”

Chrysalis turned to me, then. “And does that excuse the thousands of mine that died of starvation? The depression and arrogance of one ruler, versus thousands of my subjects?”

“You could ask yourself the same question, Chrysalis.” She stiffened when I said her name. “You risked your entire race when you enacted this plot. Your arrogance in thinking you could win this single-handedly almost landed you in Tartarus. Every one of your subjects would have starved without you there to lead them.”

She glared at me.

“But to answer your question, no, it doesn’t. Celestia’s actions in the past were not good and they were not just. But you are not so clean yourself. If you had succeeded, you would be guilty of genocide just as surely as Celestia would have been if you had all died after she sent you packing nine hundred years ago. Ponies require love to survive, just as your kind does. They do not eat it, but if they don’t feel it, they will shrivel and die, lose the will to survive over time. You were with Shining Armor for around four days, and he became so weak in that time that he could barely perform magic.”

She growled. “So that leaves us with no food source yet again! Why am I even here, then, if you are just telling me I cannot take the love from a pony?”

“You have to take it in small doses, and from several different ponies. You are like a vampire; you cannot expect to survive from one donor, but if you have several to sustain you, you will do much better. And if your kind can survive on other emotions, aside from love, all the better. If you can suck the anger or sorrow from someone, you will be well-received.”

She got a faraway look in her eyes. “I tried feeding on anger, long ago. It ended poorly. Sorrow, though… I don’t think I’ve ever tasted that.”

“Taya, come here.” She slowly walked to me. “Do you want to try an experiment?” Her eyes flicked from me to Chrysalis. She nodded. I looked to Chrysalis. “If you hurt her, I will kill you.”

“I have been doing this for a long time, Navarone. I know how to take just what I need.”

“Avoid the love. Focus on something else.”

She glared at me. “I know what I am doing.” Her twisted horn glowed neon green and slowly pulsed down to Taya’s head. After a moment, both of their eyes widened and Chrysalis recoiled, cutting off her magic. Her wide eyes darted everywhere in the room before settling on me. With a terrifying scream, she latched her hooves on me and moved her horn to my head. It pulsed green and the beam hit me. I felt… nothing. She was like that for half a minute before finally calming down.

“Better?” I asked when she released me.

“Never. Again,” she gasped.

“Bitter?” I asked.

“No, her sorrow was sweeter than love. But the things I saw…” Her body shook. “That she is still standing is amazing.”

“Wait, the things you saw? What?”

“When we steal emotions, we see glimpses of the causes of those emotions. When I was pulling the love from the mind of that fool, I saw constant glimpses of that annoying mare, Mi Amore Cadenza. I saw some of what is in her mind,” she said with a gesture to Taya. “It is not something I want to try on her again. If you can find me somepony that is suffering from sorrow for a different reason, I will be happy to try it.”

“Then what did you do to me?”

“Embraced the emptiness. Your mind is blank, I could feel it as soon as I saw you.”

I nodded slowly. “Try me now.”

“There’s no—wait.” She gazed at me. After a second her horn glowed and the light hit me. She gasped. “Love… It’s watered down, but it’s there! How is this possible?”

I smiled. “Keep going.” Her eyes narrowed as she probed further. She let out another gasp.

“Sorrow! Unpolluted, raw…” Her eyes went wide. “What sorcery is this? How is this here?”

“Try it,” I told her. “Tell me what you see.”

I felt something tugging from my mind. I ignored the sensation. “Odd…” she whispered. I saw her facial expression harden momentarily before she gave a triumphant smile. “Another… whatever you are. It looks different and has longer hair of a different color.”

“Yep. Take all of it.”

“What? That would… I don’t think that would be a good idea, Navarone.”

“Not all of my smart ideas are good. Take as much of it as you can bear, if you refuse to take all of it.” I felt a gentle trickle of something leaving my mind. The feeling was indescribable.

She finally pulled away. “I do not want to take any more until I see what side-effects may come from this, Navarone. I am here on the condition that I do not hurt anypony. I will not risk hurting you, as I believe that would quickly end up with me in Tartarus.”

I felt my hands tighten into fists. “Very well. In that case, check my mind again.”

She smiled and did as I asked. She gave another gasp. “What are you doing to me? Why can I feel nothing from you sometimes and feel so much at others it’s almost overwhelming?”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to answer that question some other time. I unfortunately have somewhere else I need to be. If you ever desire to speak, my quarters are next door to yours. I believe your maid knows the way.”

At the mention of Doppel, Chrysalis frowned. “She will not disturb you again, Navarone. I did not know she was going to do what she did.”

“Thank you. I do not wish her to further damage Taya’s mind. And if you saw what she looked like a few minutes ago, you would understand my fear.”

“She told me that she mimicked you, which is horrifying enough as it is.” Gee, thanks. “You have my thanks for snipping her antics in the bud; I would not want to risk her angering Celestia or Luna.”

“Just trying to make sure my species doesn’t have anything to do with killing off another species.”

“You will have to tell me more about that in our next talk as well, Navarone.”

“I look forward to it, your majesty. Until next time,” I finished with a nod. I opened the door and led Taya out, gently closing it behind me. “That could have gone worse,” I said as we walked back down the hall.

“She doesn’t seem very nice,” Taya commented.

“She’s also not used to talking to anyone; from what I saw, most of her subjects have no intelligence. But no, I also don’t think she’s a very nice person anyway. I don’t think she’s evil, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t bad. It’ll be nice talking to her, but I don’t think I’ll bring you to her anymore.”

She stopped moving. “You’re just using her, aren’t you?”

I stopped, turning back to her. After a moment, I smiled. “Don’t tell anyone else.” The thought to use her didn’t actually enter my mind until a few minutes ago, but I was beginning to think I could use Chrysalis to cure my depression. Who says parasites have to be bad?

Taya continued following me as we walked the rest of the way to my room. When we stepped inside, we found that the tea party had turned into a war planning session. “What,” is all I was able to say as I saw Pinkie poring over maps, a camo helmet on her head. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were still there, trying to look official.

“If you aren’t going to help me talk to Queen Chrisa—Chry—Bug Lady, I’ll have to figure out how to do it myself!” Pinkie said.

“Dammit, Pinkie. Leave her alone. She is too useful to risk antagonizing her and getting her banished to Tartarus.”

“I’m not going to antagonize her, Nav. I’m just going to befriend her!”

I face-palmed. “Rainbow Dash, tell her what is wrong with her statement.” I’ve heard Rainbow Dash describe what Pinkie does well.

“You mean Pinkie’s over-the-top super-hyper antics?” Rainbow asked.

“Yes, those,” I answered. “I’m not even going to try to ask you to understand the politics involved, Pinkie, but trust me when I say that Chrysalis is too useful to be cast aside for hurting a pony. And you are too useful to allow yourself to be hurt by Chrysalis. So just don’t bother her.”

Pinkie looked hurt. “But she needs friends! It’s just her and her maid, and she can’t leave. Surely she’s lonely!”

“I will visit her when I am able. I’m sure Celestia and Luna will as well. And you know Twilight will want to stop by at some time to try to study her. She’ll be fine.” Pinkie still looked ready to argue. “Celestia forbade visitors that weren’t accompanied by me, Luna, or her. If you try to get to her against that proclamation, you might be punished.”

“It would be worth it, to give somepony a smile!”

“Leave off, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “If that monster wants to be alone, let her be alone! She deserves to be a bit lonely for what she did.”

Applejack spoke up, “I know what Nav here said is true, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be punished for her actions. Dashie’s right. She deserves some kind of punishment, and a bit of loneliness seems fitting for trying to break up a marriage before it even started.”

“Honestly, I think being defeated and captured by her prey is punishment enough for someone as proud as she is,” I commented. “But they are still correct, Pinkie. Despite my words, she is not a good person. She did what she did out of desperation, but that doesn’t mean she thinks it was wrong. Just leave her alone.”

Pinkie sighed and slipped her helmet off, leaving it on the table. I knew the helmet would be gone the next time I looked away, so it wasn’t a problem. She slipped down to the floor. “Let’s go find Rarity,” she said, her voice sounding sad.

“Can we stop by the kitchens first?” I asked. “I haven’t eaten in about five days.”

Applejack perked up. “There’s plenty of grub left, from the failed wedding. Since it’s being postponed for so long, we were thinkin’ we’d have to scrap most of it. What’s there is yours, though.”

Oh hell yes. Wedding food without having to actually go to the wedding? I am so down with that. “Lead the way. Taya, you can stay or go.” She went, of course. Free food and the chance to be with me? No way in hell she’d be staying here. I grabbed the medal and the bits off the bed before we left and slipped them into a pocket.

I couldn’t help but hum a bit on the way to the kitchens. I was back home—or close to it—I was with friends, I was set for life in terms of money, and I was about to get some awesome food. Today was a good day.

Then I noticed the three friends were staring at me. “What?”

“I haven’t heard you do that in a long time, is all,” Pinkie said. Then she gasped. “And I haven’t seen that smile in a long time either!” I noticed I had a small smile on. “Girls, the queen kidnapped Nav and replaced him with Doppel!”

“Pinkie, don’t be silly,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Then why is he smiling?” Pinkie demanded. “I can’t get that smile from him, so why could she?” She sounded a bit indignant.

“I could answer that question, but I think it’s more fun not to,” I said.

“I’ll find out one way or another, Nav,” Pinkie said, suddenly serious. “It might be easier on yourself if you just told me now.”

“You’re good, Pinkie, but I’ve beaten you before. I escaped you in the cellar and I can escape you again.”

She grimaced at that. She never did forgive me for getting away from her. “You only escaped because you had Luna there to help you. I won’t make that mistake again. I’ll learn what it takes to get you to smile like this if it’s the last thing I do!”

With that, she threw something on the floor that created a large amount of smoke. When it all cleared, Pinkie was still standing there, smiling. “I love those things!” she said, giggling.

We continued to the kitchens. “Now I have at least two ponies on my case,” I sighed. “Cadance about love and Pinkie about smiles. Wait, three: Celestia wants to fucking knight me.” I heard three gasps. “Life here sucks.”

Cue Rainbow Dash in my face again. “You’re getting knighted? When?”

“Right after the wedding, apparently. For some reason, Celestia told Rarity to design the armor. After I grab some food, I’m going to make sure she keeps it simple and inexpensive since I’ll never wear it again.”

“Oh this is so cool! You’re going to be a knight! Wait, what do you mean you’ll never wear your armor again?”

“My main advantage when it comes to close quarters fighting is my ability to move quickly and avoid getting hit. Armor will kill that advantage, and render me useless in a fight. Besides, I’m not strong enough to move around in that stuff.”

She waved a hoof, landing. “That’s easy! Just start coming with me when I go to work out! We’ll have your wings and body strong enough to carry boulders in no time.”

“Not even close to interested,” I said. “I wouldn’t mind getting in shape, but I don’t care about being strong. Being dangerous is enough for me, and as long as I have this,” I said, lifting up my crossbow a bit, “I’m one of the most dangerous things out there.”

She looked at it dismissively. “I could break that with one hoof, Nav.”

“You’ve seen me use it before, so I don’t need to tell you that you would probably be unable to get close enough to destroy it. And even if you do, you would be hard-pressed to use hooves against a sword,” I said, letting the crossbow drop to its sling and drawing the sword from my back.

She just rolled her eyes.

“So how many weapons do you carry, Nav?” Applejack asked, concern evident in her voice.

“A bunch,” I answered, sheathing the sword.

“How many is a bunch?” Rainbow Dash asked.

I opened my mouth for another smartass response when Pinkie said, “Twenty throwing knives, three fighting daggers, a falchion, the crossbow, and seventy bolts. Two throwing knives are concealed up each sleeve and six are strapped to his belt. The other twelve are in two belts he keeps around his chest. He has one dagger on each leg and one strapped to his belt. Most of them have never been used.”

I closed my mouth when she started. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were alternating their stares from Pinkie to me. When she finished I shrugged. “Yep. There you go.”

“How does she know that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It’s Pinkie Pie,” I answered. “She just knows.”

“Doesn’t that seem like a bit much?” Applejack asked.

“It’s better to be careful,” Taya said. They looked at her in confusion.

“She’s right,” I said. “I don’t know if any of you were paying attention, but when I shot Chrysalis with the crossbow, the bolt bounced off her. My next attempt would have been lopping her head off with a sword. It’s better to have a bit of variety for different kinds of combat.”

They just shook their heads and we walked on in silence.

I remembered something. “Oh yeah, Pinkie, if I end up going to that big party next year, do you want to come with me?”

She exploded.

Like, one moment she was standing there, and the next moment Taya, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack went flying in different directions. I flew backwards several meters and landed with a pink blur on my chest. What is it with ponies and tackling me?

“YES YES YES YES YES!” She said it a few more times, but I think the message was made clear.

“Then can you get off me?”

“Well I could, but I don’t know if I want to.”

“Would it help if I said please?”

“It might, but I know something that would help much better…” she said with half-lidded eyes.

“I think please will be sufficient,” I said, struggling under her weight.

She sighed and got off me. Hooves on your chest really hurt, man. Well, hooves on your everything hurt, I should rather say.

I sat up and saw the others doing the same. Rainbow Dash had actually been thrown out a nearby window, which was thankfully open. She flew back in and gently preened her wing for a moment. “Let’s not do that again,” she said when she got the loose feather out of the way.

“You said it!” Applejack agreed, picking herself up from the heap she was in.

Taya nodded.

We continued on our way to the kitchens with no further shenanigans. Applejack and Rainbow Dash left us there, to see what they could salvage from the food supplies. I grabbed a bag of stuff for Rarity because I know how she gets when she works. Pinkie led me up to a pretty tall tower. I noticed an open window at the top and grinned.

“You two head on up. I’ll go and surprise Rarity.”

Pinkie mimicked my grin and off they went. I jumped into the air and flew my way up to the window and peered in. I saw Twilight and Rarity gathered around a table on the far side of the room, facing the other way. I slipped in and snuck up behind them and peered over their heads. On the table were several designs.

“Which do you think the real Princess Cadance would like, Twilight?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, you know I trust your intuition better than my own in things like these, Rarity,” Twilight answered. “And it’s been so long… She doesn’t appear to have changed much, but I haven’t had a chance to really talk with her since we got back.”

“Well, I’ll just go with my original design. I’m sure since that horrid beast hated it, Princess Cadance will just love it!”

“I’m sure she will, Rarity. All of your work is just lovely.”

“Now, onto our favorite human’s new armor…”

I could see Twilight grinning. “Whatever it is, you’ll have to make sure it can help him sneak better.”

“I know! There’s just no way he can stay silent with that horrid getup he’s wearing. I could hear the disturbance in fabulosity a kilometer away!” They turned to face me, both smiling. Well, that was disappointing.

“You made these clothes, Rarity,” I reminded her.

“I made the clothes, but you put together the outfit. And whoever told you those two things match lied. Why didn’t you wear any of the new clothes I made you?”

“I assume you mean the… liveries… in my drawer?” She nodded, smiling. “Because I am not nor will I ever be a servant. I do not wear the mark of another. I have ideas for my armor, but I will need to find the correct supplies. And you will never ask me where I got them or what it’s made of.”

She frowned. “I’m afraid that isn’t an option, Nav. Princess Celestia sent me word with the specifications already. I know what the armor will be made of, but it is up to me to decide the design.”

“Merde…” So much for making it from leather. “At least I only have to wear it once, and then I can scrap it.” I held up a bag of food. “Here. I know how you get when you start working.”

She pulled the bag from my hands with magic and opened in. Her eyes lit up. “You know, I am rather hungry… But it can wait.” She started to send the bag away.

“No it can’t, Rarity. I know you. You’ll start again and then you’ll forget that’s over there. Eat.”

“He’s right, Rarity,” Twilight said. “You do get awfully into your art.” Rarity rolled her eyes and pulled something from the bag.

I wandered the room a bit, looking around at some of the creations adorning the area. The wedding dress from earlier today was burned in the fire surrounding Chrysalis when she showed her true form, but Rarity was already making new designs. And there were six other dresses here. Five were from the bridesmaids, Twilight’s five friends. I guess the sixth was for Twilight. I saw a suit on one mannequin, and I assumed it was for Shining Armor. I can’t believe they made the poor bastard wear that tacky getup. But then, what do I know about fashion? I saw that a few smaller mannequins had the flower girl dresses, which reminded me of something.

“Twilight, Taya said you tried to make her be a flower girl.”

“I was… convinced… that it would be a bad idea,” Twilight said, blushing. “But Princess Celestia didn’t say why. She explained some things to me, after you left with the changelings.”

“In the future, if Taya says no to something, I suggest listening to her. There is only so far you should push someone out of their comfort zone.”

Rarity said, “If you had been there, you could have spoken up for her.”

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response.” Rarity stuck her tongue out at me.

Which made for a pretty funny scene when Pinkie and Taya came in.

“Ooh, are we making faces at Nav?” Pinkie shouted, jumping next to Rarity and making one of her own.

Rarity backed away from Pinkie and tittered. “No, no. Just… You know.” She waved a hoof.

Pinkie looked at her and smiled. “That doesn’t seem very lady-like, Rarity.”

“Well, I can’t be perfect all the time! Even a lady needs some time to let her hair down.”

They continued some manner of discussion or another. I went over to Twilight. “Where’s Spike?” I asked her.

“He’s in the library I believe. Why?”

“I need someone sane to talk to. The others are all consumed about the wedding or my approaching knighthood or both. Luna is probably still asleep so I can’t get her to tell Celestia to cool it.”

“I don’t think Luna will side with you on this one, Nav. She probably wants to see you knighted as much as Celestia does.”

“Do you think I could approach Chrysalis for succor, then?”

“That seems like a terrible idea, Nav.”

“I know. But I don’t want to be knighted. I wonder if that griffin’s offer for generalship still stands…”

“What?”

“Oh, after I won the tournament thing, one of the griffins offered to make me an officer in their army. I turned him down, but I bet he would still take me if I asked.”

“That’s… interesting. Does the princess know about that?”

“Fuck all if I know. I’ve had one conversation with her in the past few days, and that was just me convincing her to not banish Chrysalis.”

Twilight grimaced. “Which was a mistake, I believe.” I opened my mouth to retort but she continued, “I know why you did it; Celestia explained it well. But if she was just acting in the best interests of her changelings, I probably never would have realized she wasn’t really Cadance. I think she really is a bad pony, Nav.”

I nodded. “She definitely is. But that doesn’t mean she can’t be useful. And I believe it would be very useful to have an army of shapeshifters on our side, dependent on us. Even if they are all dumber than dirt.”

“You stopped the princess just because you thought we could use her?” Twilight asked, dumbfounded.

“No. That’s one of the arguments I used on Celestia, though. I stopped Celestia because I understood what she did. I’m glad I did, too; I had a talk with her earlier and she is quite interesting.”

“You don’t say.” It wasn’t a question. “I might have to pay her a visit one day, then. I have a few choice words for her about what she tried to do to Cadance.”

“You’ll have to go in with me, Celestia, or Luna. And if you start antagonizing her, any of the three of us will drag you out.”

“How can you possibly defend her like that?” Twilight asked, sounding slightly hurt.

“Because she and I are somewhat alike,” I said. “We are both species higher in the food chain forced to live among species lower than us. It took me a while to adjust and I know it will take her longer.”

She looked disgusted at the thought. “You would never eat a pony.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. You are prey and I am a predator. Chrysalis is shaped like a horse, but you can tell by looking in her eyes and in her mouth that she is a predator. There’s a reason you are supposed to only enter her room with an escort.”

I think she was grinding her teeth. “She better apologize to Cadance,” she growled. Her entire demeanor seemed to shift. “I wonder if I could study her… Hm.”

“I don’t think Cadance would mind you studying her, but why would you study an alicorn when there’s a changeling here that you could study?”

“You know what I meant, Nav. Stop being a grammar griffin.” Well, I guess that sounds better than grammar Nazi.

Heh. “I did Nazi that coming,” I said.

“What?”

“What?”

“Nav, you can be really weird sometimes.”

I ruffled her mane. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” Saying that always pisses her off and it’s always funny. “Whenever you want to visit Chrysalis, just let me know. Or let Celestia or Luna know, I guess. I don’t know what her sleep schedule is, though, so you might want to be hesitant about asking Luna.”

“It won’t be any time soon. I don’t know if I can look at her without wanting to hurt her.”

“You don’t have to look at her if you don’t want to; she can change shapes, remember? She answered the door earlier as Princess Celestia in a maid outfit.”

Twilight went bright red.

“Relax, Twilight! I’m sure she’ll probably answer it as Luna or someone else next time. As long as I never see another female version of me, I’m fine with it. Now that almost made me sick.”

“Nav, that’s completely disrespectful!”

“I know! I mean, after all that effort I went through, they still mock me like that? Sometimes I wonder why I ever bother.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as dense as you act, and just occasionally pretend to be smart.”

“I wonder the same thing. It’s fun, either way. I suggest it wholeheartedly.”

“But I thought you didn’t have a heart,” she said.

“I don’t. I really don’t want anyone else acting like this, trying to muscle in on my territory. There’s not enough room here for two smartasses.”

“I think that’s quite enough of this. My head is starting to hurt.”

“Agreed.”

“So do you know what a bachelor party is?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “I haven’t thrown one or been to one, though. Why?”

“Well, Spike was supposed to throw one for Shining Armor, but… Spike doesn’t know what a bachelor party is.”

“Oh man, it’s a good thing the queen showed up, then! I can’t imagine getting married for the first time without a bachelor party!”

“Married for the first time? Why would you ever get married a second time?”

“Divorce, widowed, there are probably a few other reasons.”

She grimaced. “Oh yes. I had forgotten about those human customs. Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about that here.”

“I guess when you have magic and potions that force love, things are a bit easier.”

“You know we don’t do that to each other, Nav.”

“Unless you’re Princess Luna, apparently. I still can’t believe she did that to me. Or rather, tried to do that to me.”

“You know, you never did let me test that on you. I still want to see if I can recreate the effects and test the poison that was made afterwards.”

“That actually gives me a very interesting idea. What if we gave a pony a love poison and let them look at Chrysalis? She would get all the love she could need.”

“But what about the pony? That seems pretty cruel.”

I shrugged. “We can use a criminal or something. Instead of hard time, they can be harvested for love.”

She looked pensive. “If you can sell the idea to the princess, I can make the poison. And I can siphon a bit on the side to test on you.”

“I’ll go talk to her, then. And then I’ll go talk to Spike. Can you look after Taya for a bit?”

“Of course. There’s a spell she was having trouble with that we can work on when we’re done here.”

“Good. Tell Rarity that we can work on the design later.” She nodded. I walked over to the window and defenestrated myself.

It’s times like these that make me happy I invested in a quiver long enough to have a top on it that I can take off when I need to. I fell straight towards the ground and opened my wings right next to the bottom, letting myself glide to the main palace. I landed right at the entrance and let my momentum carry me forward a few steps into the open doors.

I walked to the throne room and asked the guard, “Is Celestia seeing visitors?”

“She’s in a meeting right now. When she is fi—” The door opened and Shining Armor strode out. “You may enter,” the guard told me.

Shining Armor was looking very ragged. Given what he had just been through, I understood that. “Navarone,” he said, noticing me, “I have things to talk to you about. Several things, but some of them are more important than others.”

“I’m heading to the library next. Meet me there in a few minutes; I have to talk to Celestia.”

He nodded. “I will see you there, then.” He walked off, still looking kind of dazed, and I went into the throne room.

“Navarone, I am surprised to see you back so soon. Has the queen been acting up?” Celestia asked.

“Nah, she hasn’t. I believe I might have come up with a solution for her problem, though: Love poison.”

She didn’t look impressed. “Navarone, it is called love poison for a reason. The drinker will be consumed with love for only the first pony they see, and they are unable to act rationally while under its effects. It could ruin the life of anypony that we let drink it.”

“Which is why we use criminals instead. We give them the option of being harvested for love or doing hard time. When we get two that volunteer for the love option, we lock them in a room, give them the love poison, let them drink it, separate them, then bring in a changeling that looks like the other person that drank the poison. The changeling can get all the love it needs and then leave the room so another changeling can get their dose.”

“Navarone, that solution is incredibly cruel, very evil, and exactly the reason I keep you around. You will be the first person tested with it, as soon as a batch can be made.”

“Love poison doesn’t work on me, actually,” I said. “Someone already tried using it on me. My body… reacted negatively.”

She blinked. “Why was I not informed of this?”

“You’ll have to ask your sister about that, I believe,” I said.

She frowned. “I will. Is there anything else you needed to discuss?”

“Well, I really don’t want to be knighted.”

“Too bad. You are dismissed.” I looked around to find that there were no open windows. I think I got addicted to defenestrating myself.

Lacking that option, I just sort of walked out. Like a boss. Okay, I’ll stop…

I went on to the library, wondering what Shining Armor wanted to talk about. I found him and Spike there, talking together. I walked in and joined them at their table.

“There you are, Nav!” Spike said when he saw me. “Shining here says you’re going to be knighted! How cool is that?”

“It’s terrible,” I said. “Celestia won’t even listen to me when I try to give reasons it’s a bad idea and why I don’t want to be one.”

“Well, yeah,” Spike said. “That’s because you’re really persuasive when you want to be. She doesn’t want to be dissuaded from this.”

“She can’t always get what she wants, Spike,” I replied and turned to Shining Armor. “Do you think you can help me change her mind?”

He was grinning. “I’m the one that gave her the idea.”

“I’m going to have to think of a new insult for you. Give me a little while, I’ll think of something.”

“I can wait.” His grin dropped. “But I did need to talk to you.” His eyes flicked to Spike. “Alone.”

“Very well. The garden is usually empty around this time. Spike, I’ll want to talk to you later as well.” I pulled the bag of bits out and dropped it in front of him. “Hold onto these for me for now.”

He opened the bag and his eyes went wide. “Where did you get this?” he asked, voice filled with wonder.

“I won some tournament or something. There’s more, but Cadance is watching it for me. I’ll tell you more about it later. And I have a bit to add about female dragons, too.” He gave a dirty grin at that. “Let’s go, Shining Armor.” He led the way out and I followed him to the gardens. We saw Fluttershy in the distance, playing with some birds or something.

“I really don’t know where to begin,” he started.

“Try at the beginning. That’s usually a good starting point.”

He barked a laugh. “The beginning… Sure, why not. The beginning of my relationship with Cadance… my beloved.” He looked down for a moment, and then looked back up at me with haunted eyes. “We swore to remain pure until we were wed.”

“Not uncommon, back where I come from. Those that swear usually fail to uphold it, though.”

He looked down again. “I know I failed. Cadance—No, the changeling—came to me the night before the wedding… Last night. She tried to get me to… Well, you know. I reminded her of our oath. She laughed and said we were practically married already, and that she wanted it. Wanted… me.” He looked up at me and I saw that he was crying. “I broke my oath with a monster!”

What can you really say to that? “You didn’t know, Shining Armor. And she was messing with your mind the entire time. There’s a chance she used a spell to weaken your mind so you would give in easier.” I didn’t believe that, personally, but it’s what he needed to hear. “It wasn’t your fault.”

He looked back down. “What am I supposed to tell Cadance?” he muttered.

“Nothing.” He jerked his head back up to me. “She’s not going to notice and she doesn’t have to know. If she ever goes to talk to Chrysalis and she rubs it in Cadance’s face, just tell her that the queen is lying. One night isn’t going to make you great in bed, and ponies are ridiculously bad at sex anyway. Cadance will never know the difference.”

“That’s not very honest, Navarone.”

“I’m not a very honest person. If you want better advice on how to deal with something like this, you should have went to Twilight or Rarity. Both of them know the minds of girls better than I do. But I will tell you this right now: Whatever you do, Cadance will always love you. The entire time we were in that cavern, she was moaning about wanting to save you from the changeling. Her heart is yours no matter what you do, oath or not. As long as you aren’t a complete idiot, you’ll have your happily ever after no matter what.” Although, knowing how these ponies are, I wouldn’t be surprised if he managed to fuck it up somehow.

At least that got a smile out of him. “So why do you think ponies are bad at sex? And… how do you even know that? Aren’t you single?”

“Man, you really don’t get out much. Let’s just say I’ve been around the block a few times. Of every race I’ve been with, ponies consistently know the least and are the worst partners. Hell, most of them only know one position, the poor bastards. I taught a few of them some things. I’ll say this for your honeymoon: Go slow, because it can hurt virgins. If you want more advice, come to me after your first time together. I’ll not ruin it.”

“I’ll think about it. Now, how about you tell me how you won the tournament? Cadance mentioned it, but was so tired that she couldn’t get the entire story out.”

I told him.

“I was wrong about the reasoning I gave Celestia to knight you,” he said when he finished. “But I wasn’t wrong about actually getting you knighted. Equestria needs somepony like you.”

“I’m still working on my insult for you. I think I’ll just use man whore until I think of the real one.”

“What’s… a whore? And a man?”

“Oh my God, you are innocent as fuck. You really need to get a life, man. Oh, and things with penises are men. A whore is someone that has sex with little or no cajoling.”

He flinched, but countered, “So what does that make you?”

“Oh, it’s not an insult to me. I had sex outside your fiancée’s door at the party.” I giggled. “Kept her awake all night, too. Dragons sure do like to moan.”

He stared at me with a mix of shock and disgust. “You realize dragons mate for life, right?”

I laughed. “Oh man, Cadance tried the same thing on me! I know more about dragons than just about every pony out there combined, aside from maybe Celestia and Luna.”

He stamped a hoof down. “I thought I had you, too!”

I shook my head. “You and Cadance are going to be perfectly fine. Here’s another hint, just for getting me to laugh: Pegasus—and alicorn—wings are very sensitive. Give her a massage before you get started.”

I saw his horn glow for a second and I felt a bit of air run down the side of one of my wings, making me flinch. “And what about human wings? Are they sensitive as well?”

“Yes. Now quit it; I don’t want to get a boner because a guy was molesting my wings.”

He grimaced. “I don’t know what that is, but I don’t think I want to cause it. Now, when is your knighting ceremony? I want to be there for it.”

“Right after your wedding, apparently. It’s ‘kiss the bride’ and then ‘ruin Nav’s life.’”

“Good! The honeymoon won’t get in the way! After all the pain and suffering you put me through, it’ll be great to see you get to suffer a bit for it.”

I sniffed. “And they called me a monster. You and Cadance are both sadistic; she actually laughed when she realized I was going to be fighting alone in the tournament. I swear she just wanted to watch me get my ass kicked.”

“And yet you won anyway. And you won easily, if what you said was any indication.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that by all rights I should have lost.”

“Well, it would be pretty funny, watching you get beaten down. As arrogant as you always are, it would be good to have you knocked down a peg or two. Or seven. Or twenty.”

“Have you ever stopped to think that there might be a reason I am so arrogant? I mean, I am pretty awesome.”

He rolled his eyes. “You definitely need to get knocked down a bit. And I know a lot of the guards have been wanting to ever since you beat the princesses in their contest.”

“I’ve already been punished for that, thank you very much. Besides, I just had to spend a week with your bride-to-be, three days of which were locked in an underground cavern with nowhere to go. Surely that’s punishment enough?”

“Are you saying she’s unpleasant to be around?” His voice was rather challenging.

“Let’s just say that we disagree on a number of things. I think I get along with Chrysalis more than I do Cadance, and I think Cadance is the kind of person that would disagree with that statement.”

“I am the kind of pony that would disagree with that statement, Nav. Chrysalis is a monster! How can you possibly get along with her?”

“Because I have more in common with her than I do with Cadance, I believe. But I also haven’t spent too much time with her, so I am not yet certain about that. Still, I will have several more conversations with her soon, I believe. Especially since I think I found a way to give her as much food as she needs.”

He looked disgusted at the thought. “The princess explained to me—very thoroughly and for quite a long time—about why the changeling was spared, but must we resort to feeding the monster as well? She tried to kill me and Cadance and take over all of Equestria!”

I’ve written down my arguments for this multiple times already, so I’m not going to do it again. I talked to him about it and he disagreed out of rote. I understand why he did, but that doesn’t mean he’s right. We parted on relatively amiable terms, at least.

That done, I went back to the library, hoping to find Spike. I was disappointed that he was stuck on the whole me being a knight thing, but I was hoping I could skirt around that.

No such luck. “So what are you going to do when you become a knight?” he asked when I found him again. “Go around smiting evil?”

“Oh come now. I’ve only killed one dragon, and even then only if you count little deaths.” Heh. It’s funny because we were in France.

You know, because of la petite mo—Forget it. Fucking ponies don’t know French.

I know Spike sure looked confused. “When did you kill a dragon? Is that how you won the tournament?”

“It’s a joke that you won’t understand. Let’s just say I had sex with a dragon when I was in France. I totally suggest it.”

He looked at me blankly.

“I know you know what sex is, Spike. I’ve explained it to you in the past.” Much to Twilight’s chagrin.

“I’m just… imagining you having sex with that dragon lady we met during the migration.”

“…This dragon was a lot smaller. A little bit smaller than the teenagers.”

He looked pensive for a moment, and then shocked. “Dude, she was probably, like, thirteen!”

Now that he mentioned it... Am I accidentally a pedophile? I waved a hand. “Chillax, bro. She competed in the tournament, and I’m sure they wouldn’t let a child do that.”

He calmed a bit, but still didn’t look that enthused. “Well, how was she, at least?”

I smiled. “She put her snake tongue to incredible use. I could tell you more, but if Twilight ever heard about it, I would probably never hear the end of it.”

“I’m not a hatchling, Nav. You know that.”

“Yeah, yeah. How goes planning for the bachelor party?”

His face lit up. “It’s going to be so awesome! I have it planned for after the wedding, because I know everypony is going to be so busy before it. We’re going to ha—What’s so funny?”

I was laughing. “You realize the bachelor party is supposed to be before the wedding, right? That’s why it’s a bachelor party.”

He was confused by that. “So what’s a bachelor?”

“A guy that isn’t married. Back where I come from, the bachelor party is supposed to be the best man throwing a kickass party for the groom, a way for all the groom’s friends to get their last bit of freedom and partying done with the groom before he’s stolen away forever by his evil wife.”

“Does that mean Shining Armor doesn’t need a bachelor party? Cadance isn’t evil, after all. Well, not anymore.”

“Nah, that’s another tradition from back where I come from. Unmarried men treat getting married like the end of the world, while married men pretend to be slaves of their wives while around their friends. But either way, the point remains: The bachelor party is supposed to be before the wedding. You might want to move it up a bit, bro.”

“Hm… What else does it usually entail?”

“A lot of booze and a lot of strippers. But that shit won’t fly here; Shining Armor is too straight-laced for strippers, and I’m not going to get the only person keeping the changelings out drunk. I suppose the rest of the partiers could get trashed, but we need to keep him mostly sober. Oh, and another thing: No chicks but the strippers are allowed in, unless they’re willing to join the strippers if they get drunk enough.”

I noticed that he was taking notes. After a moment he looked up. “Okay, now what’s a stripper?”

Oh right. Ponies don’t wear clothes. “Don’t worry about it; we aren’t going to do that for Shining Armor and if Twilight—or Rarity, or Celestia, or Luna, or Cadance, or pretty much anyone—hears that I told you to hire strippers it’ll mean my hide. Just go forward with your plans and move them forward a few days. Make sure Shining Armor is free.”

“You said Shining Armor can’t get drunk, but what about the rest of us? I remember that party Pinkie threw for us back when we got back. That was a lot of fun!” Spike didn’t actually get drunk during that party; Twilight wouldn’t let him take more than a few sips.

I scratched at the beard that was coming in. “You breathe a word of it to Twilight and I’ll come down on you harder than she will on me. I think Applejack might have just enough for one more party. You might just want to make sure we’re not going to be in too public a place.”

“You’re going to be there, right? I don’t know a lot of the ponies he asked me to invite…”

“I can if Shining Armor wants me there; it’s a party for him. We just had a bit of a disagreement, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me being there.”

“You mean about that bug lady?”

“Yep. I don’t see what everyone’s problem with her is. I mean, surely you of all people understand, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Spike. You’re a dragon. If things were different, you would be eating these ponies as well. The only reason you’re friends with them instead of eating them is because you were raised by one. Did you even see her eyes? The only difference between her eyes and yours is that hers glow.”

He blinked. “But I would never…” He swallowed. “I wouldn’t…” He sighed. “I wouldn’t conquer all of Equestria, though.”

“You’re also only one dragon. She has an entire nation to feed.”

“I… I don’t want to think about it, Nav.” I can understand that.

“Fair enough. In that case, you want to hear how I cheated to win the tournament at the party?”

“You never cheat, Nav. You just don’t… well, play fair, I guess.”

“Didn’t stop Celestia from punishing me. I’m banned from competing next year. But I think it was worth it.”

“Oh come on, now you have to tell it!”

I did. He was laughing before I was got finished, too. “Oh man, Nav, you’re evil! No wonder you got banned from competing again! The others would tear you to shreds!”

“Oh, I’m not complaining. I know exactly what would happen to me if I competed again. I wasn’t planning on it anyway, but the option to have been able to would have been nice. Still, if I go next year, I’m bringing Pinkie, so at least I’ll have someone else to talk to.” I swear I heard laughter when I said that.

Spike didn’t seem to notice. “It certainly sounds like a fun party, if a bit slow at times. I wouldn’t mind meeting some more dragons, that’s for sure.”

“There weren’t that many there, and most of them were younger. I don’t think you’d have much luck if you went.”

He shrugged. “Maybe I’d get lucky.” Once again, I couldn’t help but smile at his word choice.

“Man, I really need to find some darker people to talk to. I wonder if Chrysalis is still awake… Hey, how do you check books out in this place?”

He shrugged. “I usually just use Twilight’s name and the librarian lets me take as many books as I want. He knows she always returns them, even if it takes a while.”

“Well, I don’t want to potentially ruin Twilight’s good name. What kind of books do you think an evil queen that feeds off emotions would enjoy?”

“Cheesy romance novels. Definitely cheesy romance novels.”

“Alright, I’ll tell her you suggested them. I’m sure she’ll be pleased.”

“Go ahead. I never plan on seeing her again.”

I smiled.

Half an hour later, I was carrying a small stack of books back to Chrysalis’s room. Only one of them was actually a cheesy romance novel; I may be stupid sometimes, but I’m not crazy.

I found Fluttershy waiting at my door. She had some saddlebags around her. I pushed my door open with my foot and led us both in. “What do you need?” I asked as I set the books down for a second. I threw the medal onto the bed next to the scale; I was going to show it to Rarity and ask if she could use it in the armor, but I didn’t get the chance.

“I… I was wondering if you could… Well, if you wouldn’t mind… Um.” She hid her face in her hair.

I walked up to her and removed the hair from her face so she couldn’t hide. “What do you need?” I asked again.

“I want to visit the bug lady,” she whispered.

I let her hair drop back down and she jumped back, squealing lightly. “Sure.”

She peeked back out. “Really?”

“Yeah. She can have visitors. I’m honestly kind of surprised how word got out about her being shacked up next to me so soon.”

Her eyes went wide. “S-s-s-he’s r-r-r-right next d-d-d-door?”

“Yup. Come on.” I grabbed the stack of books and stepped back outside. She slowly followed me. I led her next door and gave the door a shave and a haircut.

I didn’t get two bits in return, though. It just opened and we saw a manticore glaring at us. I nodded to it. “We would like to speak with the queen,” I said.

Fluttershy stared at it, horrified. The manticore turned its head inside and said in Doppel’s voice. “Visitors, your highness.”

We heard a frustrated sigh. “Send them in, if they have an escort.”

The door opened wider and the manticore moved, becoming Twilight. We stepped inside. Chrysalis looked at us from her spot on the couch. “The void has returned and brought yellow-quiet. How fun.” She didn’t sound very enthusiastic.

Fluttershy gasped when she saw Chrysalis and flew up to her. “Oh, you poor thing! Here, let Fluttershy help you…” Fluttershy dropped her bags and began rummaging inside.

Chrysalis looked at me. “What is yellow-quiet doing?” she demanded.

I looked at Fluttershy and then in her bag. “If I had to guess, I would say she thinks the holes that cover your body are wounds, and is going to try to patch them up.”

“What.”

“Just lie back, this shouldn’t take long,” Fluttershy said warmly, pulling out some bandages and disinfectant.

“Void, help me!” Chrysalis was starting to look alarmed.

I sighed and set the books down and walked over to Fluttershy, who was now struggling with an increasingly irate Chrysalis.

“This… is… for your own good!” Fluttershy breathed, trying to juggle a roll of bandages, a bottle of disinfectant, and a very pissed off bug-pony thing.

“Stay away from me!” Chrysalis broke away and got across the room and transformed into me, including all the clothes and weapons. She pulled out the falchion on her back. “Stay back!” she demanded in my voice.

Fluttershy was glaring at her, slowly inching forward. “You’re hurt and I’m going to help you!”

“Fluttershy, stop it. I don’t want to clean your blood off my clothes,” I said. “And I really don’t want to watch myself kill you.”

Fluttershy turned her glare to me. “But she’s hurt! I just want to help her!”

“I’m pretty sure that’s how her body is supposed to look, Fluttershy,” I said.

Her glare dropped. “Huh?”

I thought quickly and made something up off the top of my head. “It’s evolution,” I answered. “Their natural bodies aren’t nearly as strong as some of the other things they can turn into, but they probably don’t gain complete control over their transforming powers until they hit a certain age. Until then, they need some manner of defense mechanism. With holes in their legs, they can make a whistling sound when they fly to scare predators that are chasing them. And I’m sure the wings were just a personal thing.”

Fluttershy said in a very quiet voice, “Oh.” Then she smiled sheepishly, blushing a bright scarlet before hiding in her hair again. “Um… S-s-s-sorry… your majesty…”

Chrysalis was still using my body to glare at her. “I would appreciate it if you left, Fluttershy,” she said.

Fluttershy bolted out the door, leaving the bandages and disinfectant she was still holding spinning in the air. I rolled my eyes and grabbed them before they fell—no, I don’t know how that worked. I carried them over to her bag and dropped them in and then threw it over my shoulder.

While I was doing that, Chrysalis turned back into her own shape and walked over to the pile of books I brought in. “What is this, Navarone?” she asked me.

“I figured you might get bored, so I brought you something to do when you don’t have visitors.”

She kicked part of the small pile aside so the trashy romance novel was on top. “And this?” she asked. “Are you insulting me?”

I shrugged. “I figured Doppel could use some light reading.”

Her left eye twitched. She walked back to her couch. “You do know everything you said to yellow-quiet was a lie, right?”

“Yeah, I know. I figured if she kept it up, she would have killed you, so I thought it best to stop her.”

“Her kill me? I believe you might have been knocked a bit too hard on the head.”

“Fluttershy can be very vicious when she wants to be or when she thinks someone she likes is in danger. She actually beat the crap out of a unicorn a few years ago when he was trying to kill me.”

“A unicorn, trying to kill you? I thought you were practically one of these ponies, with the way you act towards them.”

I pulled my lips back and showed her my canines. “I’m a bit like you,” I said, letting my lips fall back. “And I wasn’t always accepted here.”

“I see. Sit.” There was an armchair near the couch. I set the bags down and eased myself into it, cursing my wings. “I saw a little bit from your mind. Enough to know you aren’t from here. Tell me more about your homeland.”

“I don’t know. Your mind might be too innocent for it; I certainly wouldn’t want to scar you.”

“Navarone, I detest jesters. Tell me or get out.”

“I swear, no one is in a good mood today. I just got out of a cavern I was trapped in with an insipid wretch and I feel fine!” She was starting to look angry. “Fine. I come from a fun little place called Earth.” I told her quite a bit about it. From the looks she gave me while I was talking, I could tell that she was definitely a naughty girl.

“Your people sound marvelous,” she said when I finished. “I could hide among them for centuries and I don’t think a single one would notice. All the food I could ever need…” She sighed in desire.

“Well, we think we might have found a way to get you infinite food anyway. There’s something out there called a love poison that creates intense feelings of love in anyone that consumed it. We will probably test it sometime in the coming week.”

“Surely your beloved princess wouldn’t allow any of her ponies to become mindless sources of food for my armies, at least not without some kind of catch.”

I shrugged. “I just came up with the plan. It’s up to her to implement it. I suggested that we use criminals. Either way, if it works, you’ll probably be set for life, as long as you stick to what you are allowed.”

She nodded. “I want what is best for my changelings, of course.” I don’t think she was telling the truth, but I also didn’t really care. “I am sure we can make do with a few ponies, as long as the effects of the poison are strong enough.”

“Good. I would not look forward to meeting an army of changelings on the field of battle. Though I probably wouldn’t be on the field of battle; my talents lie more in assassination.”

She grimaced and rubbed her chest. “Yes, you left a dent on my carapace with that nasty invention of yours. If you had hit me just about anywhere else, it probably would have punched through.”

I raised an eyebrow. “If you are in pain, there is probably something in this bag that would alleviate it.”

“No, Navarone. I am fine. Now, explain something else to me. What is it that you do with your mind that enables you to hide your emotions?”

“I partition it, essentially. With a force of will, I can push back everything I don’t want to deal with and concentrate on the matter at hand. If you dug enough, I’m sure you could get past the barrier that I keep up. Hell, as long as you’ve been doing this, you could probably push past it instantly, now that you know it’s there.”

“I would like to try.” She stood and I followed. She walked over to me and pushed me back into the chair. “I have fought subjects for control before. This might hurt.”

“Then if I tell you to stop, stop.”

She didn’t answer, just lowered her horn to my head. I let my eyes glaze over and stared straight ahead. “Interesting,” she whispered after a moment. “You aren’t actively fighting, just hiding.” She was silent for a moment. “Where oh where would you put something like that… My my, what’s this?” Her entire body shivered. “I’ll have to remember that. Kat, was it? Not quite what I was looking for…” She was silent again. “You are good at this. Have you been mind probed before?” I didn’t react. “Ah, there it is.”

I pushed back, doing my best to lock my mind down. “Oh, now you fight?” she mocked. I saw her hooves rear up as she kicked the chair back. “I see my goal, and I will have it.” Her horn moved forward again as she stood over me. “You might have a strong mind, but I’ve been doing this since before your species owned your planet.”

I felt her in my mind, this time, digging through the defenses I set up. “Now would be a good stopping point,” I forced out of my lungs.

She didn’t stop. “Not just yet…” She dug a little deeper. “I almost see a name. I am curious, now.”

She was concentrating so hard that she didn’t notice what I was doing until I kneed her in the damaged part of her carapace, backing her up a few steps. It felt like my knee was dislocated, but I forced myself to my feet and drew my sword as she took a step forward, glaring at me.

She took another step forward. “You wouldn’t da—” My sword was at her horn.

“Take another step and you’ll starve to death,” I said, my voice empty.

She smiled as her form began to shift into one I hadn’t seen in too long. I heard a sweet voice say, “You wouldn’t hurt your sist—” I reared back and punched her in the face. She fell back, stunned into changing back into the queen.

I took a step forward, to find my way blocked by Doppel. “That’s enough,” she hissed, turning into a small dragon.

I heard the door creak open behind us. “If I ever see that shape again, there won’t be enough changelings in the world to save you.” It felt good to feel anger again. An old friend, in a way, that I hadn’t seen in way too long.

“Am I interrupting?” I heard Luna ask.

I slid my sword into its sheath. “I think I was just leaving, actually,” I answered. “I’ll see you tomorrow, your highness.” I turned and grabbed Fluttershy’s bag as I walked to the door. “I’ll be right next door, Luna. I would like to talk to you before the night is gone.”

“See you soon, Nav. I just need to talk with our… guest.”

Before I had the door closed, I heard a voice say, “I like him.” I assumed it was Doppel.

I walked back up the hall to my room and set Fluttershy’s bag on my floor. I put the scale and the medal on the drawer and went to the bathroom to fill up the canteen. I hooked it on my belt and sat on the bed, letting my mind slowly clear. I stopped before I even got started and began to unstrap most of my weapons, leaving most of them in a pile next to my bed and only the throwing knives on my belt. I walked over to my window, my shirt still off, and let my wings and body soak in the gentle wind blowing in from the gardens outside.

I heard the door gently ease open behind me and Luna’s voice say, “If you are going to let her anger you, Nav, you should not visit her.”

“She chose the wrong form,” I answered, turning to face her and leaning gently on the window sill. I crossed my arms over my bare chest. “She was in my mind long enough to know how it would make me react.”

“Well, you sure made an impression on her, that’s for sure.”

“A good one or a bad one?”

“A physical one. Her chest was already dented from when you shot her. Now the dent is actually noticeable. Or rather, it was; I popped it back out for her with magic, though I was tempted to leave it there as a punishment for doing something to anger you enough to actually strike her. I’ve never seen you do that before.”

“I don’t think I ever have done that before. The insolence of that woman is just… unbelievable. I know I am disrespectful and occasionally rude, but have you ever actually wanted to hurt me because of it?”

“Well, I was kind of tempted to hurt you today when you told Celestia I gave you a love poison. Since it was kind of true, though, I decided to spare you.”

“Kind of true? Or very true?”

She waved a hoof. “One or the other, I don’t remember which. Anyway, I need to tell you the duties of a knight, for your ceremony.”

“About that…” I felt my mouth clench shut as her horn glowed.

“The ceremony is simple enough. Celestia or I—one or the other—will call you forward and you will kneel before us. We will tap you on each shoulder with our horn and present you a new weapon—usually it’s a set of specially crafted shoes, a set of razor-sharp wing covers, or a steel covering for the horn—and you will pledge your life to our service. That part is simple enough.”

I glared at her.

“The actual duties of a knight are nothing you aren’t already doing, really. You act as our representatives in the field. You will have all of our authority behind you and will be supported by any Equestrian you find. Your weapon will be your badge of knighthood, so I suggest keeping it with you. You will have to help the weak, of course. Being noble is optional, but highly desired. You can be devious, but it isn’t recommended. I don’t think that’ll stop you, though, if what I heard about the tournament was any indication.”

Her horn glowed brighter and the medal on the drawer floated to her. She smiled at it. “Yes, you are definitely ready to be a knight.” The medal set itself back on the drawer. She pulled me away from the window with magic and brought me to her and hugged me. “And the best part is, no pony will judge their princess for falling in love with a knight.”

I returned her hug. “You’ve been talking to Cadance, haven’t you?”

“That insipid wretch? I can’t stand being in the same room with her for more than five minutes. I don’t know how you managed to do it for a week.” She let me go and I went back to the window; it felt nice out. “Celestia has been awfully cruel to you.”

“Yeah. Open the first drawer on the left,” I said, pointing at it.

Her magic opened the drawer, revealing the bright clothes stamped with Celestia’s mark. “What is this? Is she trying to steal you now?”

“No, I think she’s just trying to get me used to the idea of wearing stuff like that. Open the middle drawer.”

It opened, revealing the dark clothes with Luna’s mark. She smiled. “You have all these lovely clothes to wear and yet you’re still wearing that horrid getup? I bet your fashion friend was most displeased with you.”

“Yeah, she was. It was kind of funny. Now, about the whole knighthood thing…”

She sighed. “I will give you one chance to explain your position on the matter. One. After that, I do not want to hear you bring it up again.”

“What would it take to get you both to agree to not—and never—knight me?”

“Either a double wedding in a week or a very good argument.” Oh shit.

“Alright… I really don’t want to. I don’t make oaths. I am not noble. I am always devious. I am a cheater, a liar, a murderer, and a few other bad things. I would have no compunctions with stabbing both you and Celestia in the back if Chrysalis gave me a deal good enough and I believed her. There’s a chance I’ll leave Equestria entirely if you try to force me to do this. I don’t think the common people will readily accept me. I don’t want to be tied down by an oath made at the start of a very long life. Pony kind in general is starting to seriously irk me.”

She didn’t look impressed. “Are you done?”

I shrugged. “I can probably come up with a few more.”

“I’ll save you the time. They won’t work. This is going to happen, like it or not.”

“I’ve heard that before. It is usually a prelude to rape.” Or a Pinkie Party. Sometimes I don’t know which is worse.

She grimaced. “It’s not as bad as that, Nav. It’s honestly more ceremonial than anything else. We just want to reward you for all the service you’ve done for Equestria!”

“Are you trying to reward me, or are you trying to reward yourselves with full access to me due to the oath I’m going to be forced to take?”

“Navarone, you aren’t on Earth anymore. Neither of us wants to use you.”

“Bull fucking shit. You both know your way around politics and I’m sure you’ve both used plenty of pawns in the past. How am I to know I’m not just another pawn in your grand game?”

“Because I didn’t love those I used to use.”

I deflated a bit. “I really don’t want to do this, Luna,” I said with a sigh.

“Will you?” She paused a moment. “For me?”

I closed my eyes and leaned back a bit more. After a while I said, “Can you promise me you won’t require me to do something you know I wouldn’t normally do?”

“No. I can’t.” I opened my eyes to see that she was looking down. After a moment she looked up to me again. “But I can promise that I will never order you to your death.” Oh yeah, that makes me feel better.

“I’ll think about it,” I answered.

She leaned back up to her full height. “You are going to be knighted. The only thing for you to think about is who knights you and to whom you swear. Now, I believe I have things to take care of.”

She turned to go. I said, “Before you leave, can you heal my knee? Her chest was painful.”

She turned back and looked at my busted knee and rolled her eyes. “I didn’t leave her in pain, so I guess I shouldn’t leave you in pain either.” She stepped close and brought her horn to my knee. I felt the pain ease quickly.

She pulled her head up and looked at me. I quickly reached around her neck and pulled her in close and kissed her deeply. She fought for a moment before practically melting in my arms. Since she was so unused to it, she didn’t even fight my tongue, just let me dominate her.

After nearly half a minute, I pulled back. “Thank you, Luna. I don’t suggest eating cupcakes for breakfast, though; it’s unhealthy.”

She was blushing rather heavily. “Uh…”

“I believe you had things to do?” I commented, unable to hold back a bit of a smirk.

“Um. Yes. Things. Important princess things. I will… I’ll see you later, Nav.” She walked out in a daze, leaving the door open behind her.

Now, just what the hell was that? Seriously, where did that even come from?

I’m being knighted and I’m going to live forever. The chances of me ending up with Luna are pretty close to one. Might as well get started now.

Yeah, I’m an idiot. I’m okay with that.

I turned back to the window and bumped noses with Fluttershy. “I believe I have something of yours,” I said, fighting back the small panic I was feeling.

She pulled back and I noticed how brightly she was blushing. I backed away from the window to let her in and she landed with her usual grace. I went over to where the bag was laying and picked it up for her. When I turned back she said, “I… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, Nav.”

“You already knew, so there was no harm done.”

“Are you two… finally together?”

“Not really. She’s still going to be here for a few years, and my place is in Ponyville for now.”

“But with you as a knight, it won’t cause any problems. So there’s no reason you can’t be happy together.”

“Nothing preventing it but myself, no. It should be interesting, to see how everything turns out.” I handed her the bag and she set it over her flank. “And Chrysalis was not very amused with your attempts to… help… her.”

She blushed at that. “I just thought… Well, never mind. But are you sure she’s okay? She seemed like she was in a bit of pain.”

“She was, actually. When I shot her earlier, it bent her armor. Luna fixed it, though, so don’t worry.” Honestly, I didn’t even notice that she was in pain. I also didn’t care, but meh. And I didn’t think mentioning the little altercation we had would be a good idea.

“And did she hurt you?”

“I think she would have to be an idiot to hurt me.” That wasn’t a lie.

“Then why was Luna healing you?”

“Just how long were you outside my window?”

“Oh, you know… So the healing?”

“I hit my knee on something.”

“I see. And what did you hit it on?”

“What is this, twenty questions? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“I think this is important, Nav. If you got in a fight with Chrysalis, it should be reported to the princess at once!”

“If I give you a hug, will you go to bed and just drop this?”

“Well…” I bent down and gripped her tightly, enveloping her with both my arms and my wings. After a moment I stood up. “I’ll just… go to be—Eep!” She was looking behind me.

I whirled around, drawing a knife without even realizing it and almost loosing it before I realized it was just Doppel. Then I almost released it at her anyway. “What?” I asked, not putting the knife away.

“The queen wishes to speak to you, Navarone,” she said, ignoring the knife.

“I bet she also wishes today had gone a little bit differently, but she can’t always get what she wants, can she?”

“One of the benefits of maid training for the changeling queen is a large amount of martial arts training as well. I am her last defense, and probably one of her best. The queen wishes to speak with you, Navarone. Will you go willingly, or will I have to drag you there?”

I was about to respond when Fluttershy jumped in front of me. “Don’t you dare touch him, you monster!”

“Fluttershy, stand down. Even if she was telling the truth—which she’s not—she would still probably kick your ass.”

Doppel was grinning like a fool. “You’re good at this, Nav. Are you going to come with me or not?”

“I will. But if she is in the shape of my sister again, neither of you will survive this night.” I heard Fluttershy gasp. I continued, “Lead the way, Doppel.” She did, and I grabbed a shirt and my sword belt and followed her out.

Fluttershy said, “Nav, you can’t—” The closing door cut her off. Yeah, yeah, I’m a bad person. She said she was going to bed anyway.

Doppel led me the short way down the hall. I slid the shirt on while we walked. I just carried the sword belt; it would be easier to draw like this anyway. Before she opened the door, she said, “You were right about me lying about being trained. But if you lay another harmful hoof on the queen, I will hurt you.”

“Then let’s just hope she doesn’t piss me off.” Doppel pushed the door open and let me enter first. The door closed behind me. Doppel didn’t follow me inside.

“Navarone, come in. Please, sit.” Chrysalis was on the couch again, and she nodded to the armchair I was in before. It was standing up again, and closer to the couch. I walked over and sat. “You are more useful to me as an ally than an enemy.”

“That was the shittiest apology I have ever heard.”

So changelings turn green when they blush. Interesting. “I am unused to… apologizing. You have been… nice, I suppose is the correct term. And you have been understanding. That is more than I have received from most races in a long time. Because you have been so understanding for me, I wish to understand you as well. When I changed into… her… why did you strike me?”

“You insulted my memories. I know what is real and what isn’t. You are no more her than your servant is my daughter when she changes shape. I don’t mind you taking my memories, but I will not have you ever attempt to use them against me. And if you ever find my name, you will never use it; that is one of the few things I hold over those that own me now, and I do not want to give them the satisfaction of hearing it.” That wasn’t entirely true, but I think the only magic that she could use in this room was stealing emotions, so she wouldn’t be calling me on it.

She didn’t look entirely happy about that. “I do not like being told what to do.”

“I have two things to say to that. Welcome to my world, and that’s what you get for losing.”

“I would not have lost if you had not intervened. I was winning that war of the wills, Navarone. We both could have been free if you had just let me win.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Chrysalis. You would have killed me as soon as you had Celestia beaten; you didn’t see any food in me and I was a danger to you as an unknown element.”

“But if you had helped me, I would have given you anything—or anypony—that you desired. You would have been free to come and go as you pleased. You could have even ruled at my side…”

“You imprisoned me in the caverns without a thought as soon as you saw me. And yet you still expected me to fight Celestia for you? Without even talking about it first?”

“As I recall, when we first met, you were trying to stab me.” Well, she did have a point. She would have had a sharper one if I had my way then. “And now here we sit, both slaves to something that should be our food or our servant.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I am being punished for my part in helping stop you; Celestia is not only forcing me to go to the wedding, but at the end of it I am going to be knighted.”

“You poor thing.” She didn’t sound very sympathetic. “I don’t suppose you could get me an invitation to the wedding? I would very much like to see the two… lovers… wed.”

“I’m not a wedding planner. You would have to ask Cadance, or maybe Celestia. And I suggest not mentioning despoiling the groom; it might not end well for you.”

She smiled, flashing her fangs. “Ah, you heard of my work, then? Yes, he was most pleased with my efforts… By that point, I had him so brainwashed that I didn’t even need the disguise. He was sleeping with Mi Amore Cadenza, but he was screaming my name.” She ran her tongue over her fangs. “These ponies have such outdated concepts of love and loving. Do they all hold to that foolish notion of saving themselves for marriage?”

“Nope. I’ve slept with a few of them. They all suck at sex, though.” I leaned back in my seat. “I must say, I admire your work. To have twisted his mind so far from the true love he feels for Cadance in only three and a half days?” I gently clapped my hands. “Given the chance, how long do you think it would take you to corrupt Celestia or Luna?”

She smiled even deeper. “I do not often attempt the same sex. With them, I think it might take a few years. Most of it would be cautiousness, though. I think Luna would be much easier, given her lonely state.” Her grin turned sly. “But then, she isn’t so lonely anymore, is she?”

I steepled my fingers and met her grin with my own. “You could say that. I accidentally corrupted her in… oh… about six months.”

“And Celestia?” she whispered.

I just smiled.

“My, my. Who is the servant here, and who is the master?”

“I’m afraid I won’t answer that question. Just because I am forced to follow their orders in public doesn’t mean the same applies in private.”

“You know, if you had met me first, we could have had a very profitable relationship.”

“Perhaps. There is much I could do for you. But what could you do for me that I would actually want? Or that I couldn’t get for myself?”

“Power. A way home. Freedom. Anything you desire, really.”

“I have no desire for power. My home is lost to me now, with few regrets. Freedom… Perhaps. But what kind of freedom would I have when I am shackled to your throne instead of Celestia’s?”

Her smile slipped a bit. “I forgot what I was dealing with. You will never support me here, will you?”

“I am supporting you right now, Chrysalis. But I am also supporting the ponies. I am one of the only go-betweens you have. You have burned every other bridge. You made the one cardinal mistake you could make when dealing with Celestia: You threatened her ponies. Luna doesn’t have any real power yet, so sucking up to her won’t do you any good. Cadance is beyond pissed and all of the royal guards hate you right now. Everyone else that has Celestia’s ear is not pleased with you at all. The only two that might have been willing to have compassion on you have been sent away when I tried to bring them. Twilight will probably come by to try to study you, but she is Cadance’s friend and will still be angry at you. I am your only friend right now.”

Her smile slowly slipped away during that little speech. “Friend. I have not used that word in a long time. What would you… What should I do, Navarone? I must be strong to represent the interests of my subjects. But I must be humble to receive aid, since I have no way to steal what I need right now. You say I have… burned bridges. Can they be rebuilt?”

“It will be hard. You won’t like some of what you have to do.”

“If I must, I will.”

“Pinkie Pie wants to throw you a party. The ‘pink one,’ as you call her. The one that is planning the reception for the wedding.”

She grimaced. “Why would she want to… throw me a party?”

“She does that for everyone. It is… annoying as piss, really. But that’s just the way it is. She’ll want to meet you first, though. I can probably bring her here tomorrow, if you want me to. You can use the party to try to talk to some of the others, if they attend.”

“And at the party?”

“We’ll get to that. Do you remember the yellow one from earlier that tried to patch up your legs?” She nodded. “I can bring her by tomorrow as well. Let her look at your chest, where I shot you and then kneed you. I know Luna healed it, but Fluttershy goes giddy over hurt people.”

She sighed. “This is going to be painful.”

“We’re just getting started. Celestia shouldn’t be that hard to win over, honestly. I’ve done half of the work for you, when I told her that you were doing what you did for your people; she is a ruler too, you remember. Even though you and I both know you were doing this more out of revenge and a sick desire to have domination over a weaker species, the fact still remains that in doing so you were helping your own people.”

“I take offense to that.”

“Are you denying it?” She didn’t answer. “That’s what I thought. Applejack should be easy to win over. There’s no point on bothering with Rainbow Dash, Rarity, or Twilight. At least, not until you’ve apologized to Cadance.”

Chrysalis glared at me. “Why would I ever want to do that?”

“Because Celestia is sadistic enough that she might not give you anything until you make peace with those that you ‘wronged.’ A lot relies on getting Cadance to forgive you; you’ll never get Twilight or Rarity without her, and Shining Armor might be a lost cause no matter what you do.” I paused for a moment. “Oh, and you should probably apologize to the three bridesmaids you brainwashed, too. Honestly, they’re pretty much redshirts, but I’m sure it might be important to someone that you do.”

“I don’t remember any of the three of those fools wearing shirts, and none of them were red.”

“It’s a word from my world. Don’t worry about it.”

“So how would you suggest I go about… apologizing… to Mi Amore Cadenza?”

“You know… I honestly don’t know. She is rather upset with you. Maybe she’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ll think of something. And if I don’t, you’re just going to straight up apologize. And I suggest not mentioning what you did to Shining Armor.”

“I am not suicidal, Navarone. I have no defense here aside from my good looks and my carapace.”

“You forgot your winning personality.”

“Quite. At the very least, will you arbitrate our meeting? I know I will not be able to meet alone with her, but I am not so certain Celestia or Luna will be as quick to jump to my defense as you will.”

“I don’t have magic and I have no defense against it. I don’t know how strong a mage Cadance is, but if she starts using magic against you, I’ll have to put her down the hard way. And if she starts using magic against me, we’re both fucked.”

“Do you really think she would do that?”

“On the way out of the caverns, we ran into a batch of that damnable song magic. She was singing about saving her Shining Armor the entire time. I’m pretty sure she’s more than a bit peeved at you. I don’t know if she would resort to attacking you, but she might goad you into attacking her so you’ll get banished.”

“I am a queen, Navarone. I have been queen for a long time. I will freely admit that I am arrogant. But I do have patience and I do have intelligence; she will not anger me enough for me to strike her.” She gave another smile. “Maybe you could learn from me.”

“I told you to stop. You didn’t. You are lucky all you got out of that was a bruised ego; I’ve killed for less.” I still regret what I did to Calix, sometimes.

“And punching me in the face?”

I shrugged. “We all need a few knocks in the pride sometimes.”

“Today I was captured by my prey and locked in a bubble in front of my entire army. Was that not enough damage to my pride for you?”

“Well, I also hadn’t reached my quota for punching things in the face today. You put me at three.”

“And the other two?”

“Two of the three bridesmaids guarding the entrance to the mines. It had been a while since I last got to punch a pony. It felt good.”

“You just like beating up mares, don’t you?”

“After what a few of them have done to me, I think it’s only fair.”

“Ah yes, I remember your friend, Kat. I didn’t get much of what she did, but oh, her well was deep.”

“She was the most physically painful, but not the worst. No, the worst was when two of my friends betrayed me.”

Her lips pulled back in an evil smile. “Can I have a taste?”

I shook my head. “No. I’m saving that pain. I’m keeping it there to remind me why I never trust. You can take anything else from me, but I need to keep that.” Not one hundred percent true, but I was still telling lies to get her to trust me at that point.

She nodded, letting her smile drop. “I understand that, Navarone. I have memories of my own that I keep. Though I don’t suppose you could let me have at least a small snack? I will need to sleep soon, but I don’t like going to bed on an empty stomach.”

“And your maid?”

“She could survive on the morsels I give her. But she has earned a bit of favor for volunteering to be with me in this prison. If you wouldn’t mind, I would ask that you feed her as well, though you’ll find her tastes a bit different from mine.” I felt a strange pulse in my mind. A second later, the door opened. “Enter, Doppel. Our guest has promised to feed us before he leaves.” Her eyes turned back to me. “If you desire to leave, of course. You are… welcome to stay.”

“Several spells have been put over me. One of them disables my ability to sleep in spring and summer. We can have our fun later, though, if you are still interested.”

She smirked. “As long as you are better than that fool Shining Armor. Now sit still. This won’t hurt as long as you don’t fight it.” She stood up and walked over to me as Doppel gently shut the door behind her. Chrysalis lowered her horn to my head and I saw it glow green.

“So what are you in the mood for?” I asked conversationally, letting my mind empty a bit so that everything was hidden.

“You know I can break through your defenses and take what I want.”

“I want you to ask. Surely you can spare that nicety.”

“Hm. I’ve tasted your love and your sorrow. I still have bad memories about anger and hate. What about… happiness?”

My eyes glazed over and I thought back. That’ll do. I pulled that memory forth for her and let the warmth spread.

“Not as concentrated as the sorrow… But yes, it is quite tasty.” After a moment, she pulled back. “Doppel, step up.” She came forth with a massive grin on her face. “Navarone, before I let her at you, there is something I should tell you about changelings: We all have our certain tastes. Most of us prefer love, but a few of us have other tastes. We can, of course, take any emotion, but surely as a creature with refined tastes, you know what it is like to survive on something you don’t like. Doppel here prefers lust.”

Back up. I looked at Doppel. “Why the hell did you disguise as my daughter?”

Chrysalis answered, “She can eat love too. It still tastes good for those that have other preferences.”

Doppel looked at me with wide eyes. “Lust is so much more fun when taken fresh,” she whispered. “I don’t suppose…” Her eyes flicked to my pants.

“No. You will be fine with my memories.”

Doppel sighed and stepped closer. Her small horn gently touched me. I smiled, letting my mind clear. “Should I make her work for it, Chrysalis?”

“I do not want to be here all night, Navarone. Your mind is difficult to traverse even when you give me what I want; there is no order and it is all chaotic. If you want her to find what she is looking for, we will be here until the sun rises.”

“I can do it!” Doppel said, sounding a bit hurt.

“I agree with the queen,” I said. “I don’t feel like being in this position for hours. Here.” I thought of Kumani. “That should be recent enough for you.”

I saw Doppel’s shape shift as I felt a trickle leave my mind. I leaned back and saw that she was now Kumani. “I quite like this form,” she said, stretching her body. “Lithe. Quick. Strong. Strong enough to…” She looked down at me and giggled.

I stood. “I believe that is my cue to leave. If you need me for anything, well… Good luck finding me, actually. My room is next to yours, but I don’t sleep. If you actually need me, Celestia or Luna can easily find me.”

“Until tomorrow then, Navarone.” Chrysalis said. “It has been… nice, talking to someone like you.”

“Any time, Chrysalis.” I let myself out, feeling Doppel’s eyes on me the entire trek to the door.

The trek back to my room was, as ever, short. I found Fluttershy inside, pacing. I walked in and set my sword down. “I thought you were going to bed.”

She looked up at me. “Did you hurt her?” Her voice had a bit of an edge to it.

“Why would I hurt her? Chrysalis is too sweet to ever do anything to anger me.”

Her eyes went wide. “She brainwashed you too!” She looked ready to fly out the window.

“No she didn’t. That was a joke. She apologized for angering me.” Fluttershy slumped a bit. “And I think she wanted to apologize to you as well, for threatening you. But she’s going to bed right now, I believe, so it will have to wait until tomorrow.” I looked her up and down. “You’re pretty weak and helpless, right? Would you be interested in helping us with an experiment?”

“What… kind of experiment?”

“We want to test a love poison with Chrysalis, to see if we can use that to keep her people fed. If we use people that are easier to restrain, the test will be easier.”

“I… I don’t know about that, Nav. It sounds… dangerous.”

I shrugged. “You don’t have to. I’m sure it won’t be hard to find… ‘volunteers.’”

“That sounds… ominous, Nav. You won’t hurt anypony, will you?”

“Well, those under the effects of love poison supposedly forget what happened to them while they were out. So it wouldn’t be that hard to find two servants or something and just slip them the poison. They would never know.”

“That’s evil, Nav!”

“You say that like I should care. I mean, you read my journals. Do you honestly think that something like this isn’t in keeping with something I would do?”

“But… you’re supposed to be getting better! I thought you said Taya was helping you!”

“Just because I’m slowly remembering how to love doesn’t mean I’m going to automatically turn into a good person. The darkness on my soul has etched itself in, now, and I believe it will always be there. It sucks, too; that’s why I’m getting punished by getting knighted.”

“Well, I hope you learned your lesson.”

“Yeah, don’t do favors for princesses. They’ll punish you for it.” She muttered something that it’s probably best I didn’t hear. “You need to go to bed, Fluttershy. You’re getting cranky.”

She gave me a stern look. “And you need to grow a heart, Nav.” With that, she trotted over to the door and left.

I’m a really bad influence on her.

I went back over to the window and looked out. Night had fully fallen. Well, what now? Taya was probably with Twilight, wherever they were. Luna was apparently doing princess things. Everyone else was probably sleeping.

I started searching my room. I found what I was looking for and smiled.

I’ve been meaning to do this for way too long. I started plagiarizing a novel from home. I didn’t remember it perfectly, but when I read books, I tend to remember the plot. I figured I could become a writer and show these ponies some real fiction books, instead of the crap like ‘Daring Do’ that they read.

I smiled grimly and set aside the first paper. On second thought, starting straight at House of Leaves is a bad idea. Romeo and Juliet will be fine, but not even I can capture Shakespeare perfectly.

Chapter Thirty-Four—Happiness is Overrated

Chapter Thirty-Four

By the time the sun rose, I had written three plays and started on a dozen others before I realized I didn’t remember enough to write them down correctly. If I ever did get them published, I wouldn’t do it under my name; I’m not a thief. I giggled to myself as I leaned back as far as my wings would let me. I finally have a use for my real name.

I achingly got to my legs and went to the bathroom. Everything in there finished, I started strapping on some more weapons. Busy day. Gotta see Rarity, gotta find where Applejack hid all her booze, got to find Pinkie and Fluttershy and bring them to Chrysalis, got to get tested by Twilight if she ever made the poison, probably have to see Cadance eventually, and I’ll probably have to be there when the love poison is tested with the changelings.

I’m getting too old for this shit. No wonder Celestia is such a troll.

I opened my door, humming a little song, and bumped into an ugly bug-pony that resolved into Doppel when I brushed the crust from my eyes. “My apologies, dear,” I said as I pulled her to her feet. “Looking for me, or do you just enjoy standing outside doors?”

“You seem awfully chipper,” she said harshly. Not a morning person, I suppose. “The queen wants you.”

“Can you take the shape of anything, or does it have to be something alive?”

“What does that have to do with—”

“Because if you could be a walking, talking teddy bear, that would be adorable.”

She looked at me for a moment and saw the goofy grin on my face. She frowned. “That counts as permission.”

A minute later, a walking, talking grizzly bear dragged my giggling form through Chrysalis’s door.

“What is the meaning of this?” Chrysalis demanded. “What did you do to him?”

Doppel changed back to her own form. “He was acting kinda funny. I thought it best he be brought as quickly as possible.”

I pushed myself to my feet and found I couldn’t get the smile off my face. “I think we fucked up by taking that sorrow away. I haven’t felt this good in years. I was up all night writing tragedy, and I feel great!” She looked at me with her glowing green eyes and opened her mouth, but I said, “You know, you really look awesome. Can I t—Holy fuck what is wrong with me?”

“Can you touch what?”

“Your wings. They look—No.” I pulled a dagger out and slashed it across my palm and concentrated on the pain. I felt my mind slowly fall back to calmness. I looked back up to Chrysalis, who was staring at me with concern. “Nice try.”

She glared at me. “This was not my doing, Navarone. I told you that what we tried was untested; I have never taken sorrow before. And if you truly do wish to touch my wings, you will have to get your hand looked at first; I will not have you running blood over any part of my body.”

“Fair enough. I’ll bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by when I can either make time or find them. I’ll try to do one at a time, to spare your sanity.”

“Thank you, Navarone. I don’t suppose I could trouble your mind a bit more?”

“No. The only thing keeping my mind clear right now is the pain; I will not risk doing further damage to my mental state until I know how to control the effects. You should have plenty of food when we test the love poison, whenever we do that. If you want, I can lead Doppel to the library so you can send her to get books whenever you need them.”

Her eyes looked to my hand. “Should you not get that taken care of?”

“It’ll close in a few minutes. Another one of the spells over me deadens physical sensations, and decreases healing times. Sex isn’t as much fun, but I feel a whole lot less pain.”

She grinned at that. “We’ll see about that.” She turned to her maid, who was flipping through one of the books I brought. “Doppel, follow Navarone to the library. I suppose he will tell you what else to do.”

She stood and saluted before trotting to my side.

Chrysalis turned her gaze back to me. “Navarone, try to keep your mind clear. I believe you will be more useful to me with your mind distant.”

“Thanks. I think. Doppel should be back shortly; it isn’t a long walk.” With a nod, we left the room.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” she asked when we started down the hall to the library.

“Yes. Quite a bit. That’s the point.” We stopped in my room to grab a small towel that I wrapped around the hand.

On the way to the library, she said, “I don’t know how you knew the queen liked those terrible romance novels, but that got you a bunch of brownie points with her. And then pretending it was for me? You’re lucky she didn’t take you there on the floor.”

“That would have been awkward.” Especially with Fluttershy right there. And if Luna had walked in? Oh man, both of our heads would have been on pikes. “It’s a good thing you run a tighter ship than that; I can’t imagine you ever letting her get away with something that… naughty.”

She sighed wistfully. “I do try to look after her, but sometimes she’s just such a handful. Royalty can be such a pain.”

I let out a laugh. “Don’t I know it.” I’ve caught Luna and Celestia both giving me looks in relatively public places ever since that damn bet I agreed to.

We were catching looks from the passing servants and glares from the passing guards. After the fifth guard dropped into a fighting stance upon seeing Doppel, I said, “Feel free to turn into any pony you like that isn’t a princess.”

She turned into Blueblood.

“Smartass. You know what I meant.” She turned into a random servant. “Eh, that works. Just no seducing anyone when you aren’t in your regular shape. If you do manage to seduce someone here as your real shape, feel free to change into whatever they want, if they’re into roleplaying or something.”

She smiled. “It’s amazing what you hear when you sit on the wall as a bug. I believe there are a few human fetishists here.”

“Well, that’s not something I needed—or wanted—to hear. Since you don’t actually know what I look like with my pants off, good luck figuring that one out.”

“I have a good imagination; I’ve been doing this a while. Usually I’m the one that infiltrates, but the queen decided to take this matter into her own hooves.”

“Well, just be careful here. Chrysalis is too useful to be banished because you fuck up.”

“You know, as long as you keep feeding me, you’ll never have to worry about it…”

“Are you… blackmailing me?”

“Well when you put it like that, it makes what I’m doing seem wrong! I’m just ensuring I get fed. Is that really so bad?”

“When we get to the library, you can take a few more memories. But you’re not doing that in the hall.” Especially not if she’ll want to turn into whoever she reads from my mind.

“I’ll count the moments…” That’s not creepy or anything.

Luckily for her, we weren’t that far from the library. I led the way in and she gasped. “I’ve never seen so many books!”

“You work here, Rose Dancer,” the librarian said. “Are you feeling okay?”

Doppel grinned and turned back to her real form, causing the librarian to jump and scream. She shushed him. “This is a library, you old bat! You’re supposed to be quiet in here!”

He fainted. “Okay, I’ll admit, that was hilarious,” I said. “Now come on. I don’t want anyone to see you ripping into my mind.”

Unfortunately, Twilight and Taya were in the library and came running at the librarian’s shout. “Nav, what’s wr—oh. It’s you,” Twilight said, glaring at Doppel.

Taya was staring at my hand. “What happened to you?”

“I cut myself shaving. It’s nothing big.”

Twilight looked at my face. “You still have… stubble, I believe you called it.”

“Well yeah, Twilight, it grows back. I mean, it’s hair!”

Doppel giggled. Twilight glared at her. Taya said, “But why were you shaving your hands? I didn’t know hair grew there.”

Only if you’re Catholic. “It’s been a while since I last shaved; I was really out of practice.”

Now Doppel was just outright laughing. Twilight shifted her glare to me.

“You might want to help the librarian,” I said. “He seems kind of out of it right now.”

“Navarone, we need to talk,” Twilight said through grated teeth.

“Can it wait a few minutes? Doppel needs to feed.”

“No. It can’t.”

I shrugged. “Then she can do it here.” I bent down a bit but found that I was being floated off by a purple aura. “I guess not. Doppel, head on back; I think I’m in trouble.” Doppel giggled and shifted back to the maid before trotting away.

Twilight floated me back to the stacks. Taya followed. Without letting me go, Twilight demanded, “Just what do you think you’re doing, Navarone?”

“Right now, I think I’m getting floated around. This is kinda fun; you should try it.” I nodded down to Taya, who picked Twilight up in a light orange aura, causing Twilight to lose concentration and drop me. “It is not fun enough to do it against my will, however.”

“Taya, let me go.” Taya didn’t, but looked up to me. I nodded and Twilight fell to the ground. “Navarone, you are getting way too close to that… that thing! Both of them! Were you actually going to let her feed off your emotions?”

“It would have been Doppel’s second session with me, yeah. Chrysalis has been at my mind three times already. Why?”

Twilight’s eyes seemed to go impossibly wide. “Navarone, they’re brainwashing you! Can’t you see it?”

I clenched my hand and brought it up. “I’m not entirely positive they are. I think my mind is just reacting oddly to the emotions they’re taking; I haven’t thought about some of them in a long time, and having them pull them from my mind is relieving me of stress I long ago forgot I was bearing. I was meaning to talk to Celestia about that today to see if she can see any evidence of mind-rape.”

“Then that’s where we are going.”

“I was planning on seeing Rarity first, actually. And I need to bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by to see Chrysalis; I know Celestia usually doesn’t start seeing people until around noon.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “We are going right now. And you aren’t bringing any of our friends near that monster!”

“Twilight, I think you might be a little bit biased. I mean, she just tried to kill your brother and doom your entire country.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Oh God no. I tune out just about everything I say because I know I’d slap myself if I ever heard any of it.” Taya giggled.

“What would you do if she tried to kill your sister and take over your world?”

“Twilight, she became my sister. I punched her in the face.” She smiled at that. “If it’ll make you feel better, though, I can push my meeting to Celestia up. But I still need to see the others.”

“They can wait. I can’t lose you to that… thing.”

“Fiiiine. Let’s go.”

We started off, out of the library. After we got out of it, Taya said, “Can I heal your hand?”

I jerked it up. “No. That… That would be a bad idea.”

Twilight looked at me. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“The pain is the only thing keeping me clear-headed. I was in an unbearably good mood earlier, and I had to do something to force my mind open.”

Twilight stopped. “What?”

I grimaced. “I was up all night trying to copy some really famous stories from my world. All of them are tragedies. That, combined with Chrysalis taking some of my old pain, put me in the best mood I’ve been in since the last time I can remember. It was awful… I actually asked to touch Chrysalis’s wings before I decided enough was enough.”

Twilight’s mouth dropped. I looked over to Taya and saw she had a similar reaction. After a moment they looked at each other. I took a step back, further down the hall. They nodded. I took another step. They turned to me with shark-like grins. I turned and bolted and didn’t make three steps before a brown aura surrounded me and stopped me.

I was spun around, left to face two grinning unicorns. “Taya, what are you doing?”

“Making you happy, of course.”

“That is highly unnecessary.”

She shrugged. “You’ll get over it.”

I felt a warmth in my body and my hand stopped throbbing. I tried concentrating deeper but couldn’t feel a thing. Oh shit. The aura around me dropped and I thudded to the ground. The two of them looked at me expectantly.

I swallowed. “Nothing I say and do in the next few hours will ever be mentioned again. I already feel my mind… changing.”

They both giggled. Twilight started walking past me. While she walked past I put my hand on her mane and ran my fingers through it.

“I don’t touch your hair enough… It’s really soft!”

Twilight stared at me. I was busy scooping Taya in my arms and putting her on my back, giving her a piggyback ride of sorts.

When I realized that I was giving a pony a ride instead of a pony giving me a ride, I started giggling.

“Twilight, I think we broke him…”

I said, “Taya, when was the last time you got to be this tall? Oh, when we get to Celestia, you should grab her crown and hold it out of her reach!”

Twilight looked a bit alarmed at that. “I think I underestimated his idea of a good mood.”

“I feel fine, guys,” I said. “Better than I have in a while, actually. My mind feels a bit… off… but otherwise I feel fine.” I looked around and saw we were near a window. I stopped and looked out it. “God, who commissioned that fuck-ugly statue? They should be shot. And that statue should be crushed.”

Twilight looked out the window and gasped. “The princess commissioned that statue, Nav!”

“Well, she has shitty taste. Come on, I want to see how long it takes her to realize her crown is gone. I bet I can distract her by making her notice how long her snout is compared to everypony else’s.”

Twilight squeaked. I looked at her and noticed how brightly she was blushing.

I blinked. “Holy fuck.” I shook my head and tried to concentrate. After a second, I pulled my knife out again and slit my other hand open. I put the knife away and turned to Twilight. “You stop your shit. Now let’s go.” She followed, her tail low. I moved the blood-soaked towel to my other hand. I stopped. “Why is there a filly on my back?”

“Because you put me up here,” Taya said.

“Oh. Well, if you want to come down, just tell me.” I started walking again. “With all the weapons on my back, I can’t imagine it’s really that comfortable.”

“Your wings are really soft,” is all she said.

“Fair enough. Just don’t touch them too much, please.”

“I won’t.”

“Twilight, where will I be able to find Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack? After I meet with Celestia, of course.”

“I’ll… I’ll tell you after. If you are brainwashed, I don’t want to risk them.”

“Eh, fair enough. Taya, if I start acting silly again, kick me in the back of the head.”

“Okay!”

“You sounded way too happy about that.” She didn’t answer. “So where are we going, anyway? Where is Celestia usually at this time in the morning?”

“Her private dining hall,” Twilight answered.

“And that is where, exactly?” I heard her sigh as she quickened her step to get in front of me to lead the way. “I’ve never noticed it before, but when you mares start walking, I can totally se—” Taya kicked me in the back of the head, knocking me flat on the ground. “Thank you.” I pushed myself to my knees and saw that Twilight was a shade of red that I didn’t think was possible. I got the rest of the way up. “I think we should walk side by side.”

She didn’t say anything. I started walking and she matched my speed.

“As I already said, nothing I just said or will be saying in the past few hours will ever be held against me. You brought this on yourself.” I pulled my dagger out and drew another slit on the same hand. “I’m going to need more towels.”

Twilight was muttering something. I decided it would be in my best interest to ignore her and try to lose myself in the pain. I was pretty far in, which is why I was a bit surprised when I saw a dark blue monster in front of me. I blinked and saw that it was just Luna.

“Navarone, why are you bleeding?” she asked.

“It’s just that time of the mo—” Taya kicked me in the head again. “Oh come on, that was the normal me!”

Taya just giggled. I’m surrounded by sadistic ponies.

“Here, let me heal you.”

I pulled back, almost going unbalanced because of Taya. “No, that would be a bad idea.”

Luna frowned. “I’m not going to let you bleed in front of me, Nav. Now stop acting like a foal and let me heal you.”

“He’s right, Princess,” Twilight said. “It would be a bad idea to heal him right now.”

Luna looked at her with eyes that should probably have been burning. “Fine. Why, Twilight Sparkle, should I let him bleed?”

Twilight stepped up and whispered something in Luna’s ear. Luna turned bright red, flicked her eyes to me and then to Taya, and then burst out laughing. “If he’s going to do that to ‘Tia I’m definitely going to heal him!” She took a step toward me.

“Taya, sic her!” I bent down a bit so Taya could get a clear line of jump. Luna stopped. Twilight face-hoofed. After a moment, Taya kicked me in the back of the head.

I straightened. “Note to self—Princesses are immune to filly attacks.”

Luna was frowning. “Yes, I see what you mean. There is definitely something wrong with him. Navarone, you do know that notes to one’s self are generally personal and not something to be shared, right?”

“Well, I figured it would help Twilight if she ever had a filly of her own. Or Taya, if she did.”

Luna just shook her head. “Come on, Nav. Celestia is still eating breakfast. I was on my way to bed, but I think this is more important.”

She turned and led the way to a small side door. She opened it and went inside. I heard Celestia say, “Back already? Did you think on my proposal?”

Luna sighed as she stepped in further. “I already told you no. The other two would never agree anyway. Now come in, you three.”

I pushed my way in, ducking extra low so Taya didn’t hit her head. Twilight followed me. “Oh hello Nav. And Taya and Twilight. Wait, why are you bleeding?”

I sighed. “Blah blah blah.” I grabbed Twilight’s mouth with my non-bleeding hand and squeezed it open a few times while saying “Blah blah blah.” I stopped and stood back up. “Blah blah bl—” I reached around and grabbed Taya’s hoof and gently hit myself in the head.

“I see. Well, come forward. I will try to see how much damage Chrysalis did; I told you to be careful with her.” Wow, Celestia is really good. Pinkie would be impressed.

“Twilight, can you get Taya down? I don’t want to bleed on her.” I felt the filly gently ease off my back and I stepped up to Celestia.

“Sit, Nav. This shouldn’t hurt unless I have to push past a guard. And if Chrysalis put a guard in your mind, it’s going to hurt a lot.”

“Before we start, what all are you going to be able to see in there? If you can see my memories, I’ll just take my chances.”

“The only thing I’ll see with this spell is if you are being controlled. If you are, I might have to check some of your most recent memories to know how best to break that control, but I will not go back farther than two days.”

I sat. She moved her horn in close to my head and it started glowing. While she was concentrating, I eyed her crown. I could totally grab it. I looked away but eventually my eyes darted back. It would be so funny, man. I closed my eyes, trying to feel what she was doing. Eventually my eyes opened again and I was left looking at her crown. Just as my hand was lifting up, she pulled back.

“You are fine, Navarone. Chrysalis didn’t d—What are you doing?”

I snatched my hand back down. “Nothing.” I heard Luna and Taya giggling behind me. Celestia opened her mouth but I said, “Are you technically bald?” Her eyes went wide and I heard Twilight gasp. Luna burst out laughing. “I mean, whatever that stuff is made of it isn’t really hair, right?” While Celestia was trying to formulate a response, I looked around the room a bit. “Hey, why are you eating cake for breakfast?”

“Maybe… Maybe I missed something…”

“I feel really good today,” I said. I could feel two halves of my mind fighting. Whatever Chrysalis did, it really screwed up my mind. “No wonder Shining Armor had that goofy grin on his face.” His expression was mostly blank while he was brainwashed, but his smile was hilarious.

“Navarone, look at me,” Celestia said. I turned to her and saw her eyes. “I need permission to go into your mind. I will only look through the past day.”

I pulled the dagger from my belt and set it on the table. “Never discuss a single thing you see with anyone. Including me. See what you need and find the solution and tell me what to do. Those are my terms.” I could feel my mind splitting, the dark side taking control sometimes and the strange new side taking control at others.

“Deal. Close your eyes.” Before I did, I saw Twilight edging closer. She probably wanted to see this magic being used. My eyes slid closed.

I saw an intense light filtering through my eyelids. I heard two gasps and assumed Luna knew what was coming and had her eyes closed as well. And then I saw and heard nothing.

My eyes shot open sometime later. I saw Celestia pacing. Luna had apparently left some time ago. Twilight was gone and Taya was lying on my back. Apparently I fell out of my chair at some point. I pushed myself up a bit to a sitting position and Taya hopped off.

Celestia looked over. “Good, you’re awake. Twilight is combing through records, trying to find evidence of Chrysalis ever coming to Equestria; I don’t remember, but I was in a dark spot back then. Your mind is fine, just shaken up. With what you let her remove, the tumultuous balance you had in your mind was shattered. I suspect from what I was able to tell when I was in there that you will be stable in a day or two. I just have no idea where that will leave you. Now, I would really like to talk to you about some of your memories.”

“You agreed to not discuss them.”

“I did. And that is why I am not going to without your permission.”

“Which you will not get.” I pushed myself up the rest of the way so I was standing. I pulled my knife off the table and slipped it in a sheath. “Do you need me for anything today, or am I free to go about trying to fix the Chrysalis situation?”

“Twilight mentioned that the three fillies here knew how to make the love poison. I believe you know them. They are somewhere in the palace or on its grounds. If you could find them and bring them to the throne room, that would save me time. Then you need to go to talk to Rarity. After that, you are free until the love poison is ready to be tested.”

“Awesome. Come on, Taya. Let’s go find your friends.”

We had to walk past Celestia on the way to the door. When I was right next to her, I felt my hand twitching. “Don’t even think about it,” she warned.

“Taya, how fast can you run?”

“Navarone…”

“Why?”

“CHEESE IT!” I snatched Celestia’s crown and booked it.

I shot out the door and knocked Twilight down as she was walking in with a really old book. “Wha—Is tha—NAVARONE!”

“YOU GET BACK HERE NAVARONE!”

I was already out a window before Celestia’s voice called out the first syllable of my name, giggling the whole time. I knew it was probably really stupid. I flew straight up to try to break any line of sight, though I knew Celestia could bring me right to her if she wanted to. Given that the window I jumped out of was probably too small for her fat ass, she would have to if she really wanted me back. I flew around to the other side of the castle, to where I knew Rarity’s tower was. I went right into the open window and perched on it, peering inside.

She was at one of the mannequins. I stepped in and moved over to her as silently as possible. While her back was still turned, I dropped the crown on her head. “Navarone, what did you just put on me?”

“Promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Oh Celestia, tell me it’s not something icky!” Did she really just say that?

“No, it’s nothing gross. Just… promise me you won’t freak out.”

“I won’t, Navarone. I am a lady, after all.”

I walked over to a table and picked up a hand mirror and brought it back to her. She grabbed it with magic. “Nav… What. Is. That.”

“Celestia’s crown.”

She screamed.

“You’re freaking out, Rarity! You told me you wouldn’t freak out!”

“Oh Celestia… Oh Celestia… Get it off!” I reached out and plucked it off her head.

“Hey, do you know where your sister is?”

She was starting to hyperventilate.

“It’s just a simple question, Rarity, jeez.” She still couldn’t answer. “Fine. I’ll ask Applejack, then. I’ll be back in a few hours to talk about my armor.” I walked back over to the window, still holding the crown.

I had one foot up before she said, “Nav, wait!” And with that I was out, flying toward the door to the kitchens. It didn’t take me long to get there and I waltzed right in like I owned the place. I considered putting the crown on and pretending I did own it, but Celestia was already probably pissed and treason might push her a bit too far.

I saw Applejack in the center of a hubbub of activity. I pushed through the group, trying to conceal the crown as much as I could. I got up to her and said, “Hey AJ, do you know where Applebloom is?”

She didn’t look back, just continued stirring something. “I think she said they were going to the big maze thingy. They wanted to go in when they came here for a field trip a few years back but they were in a bit of a hurry. Why?” She finally turned around.

“Celestia wants to see them for a moment. Hey, what’s wrong?”

She was staring at the thing in my hands. “Nav, Imma ask you this once: Is that the princess’s crown?”

“Yeah. Why?”

Her mouth dropped open. I waited for a moment but she didn’t say anything. I shrugged and started leaving. I got to the door leading outside when Rarity burst in another door that leads to the palace. I pushed the door open as Rarity and Applejack both said, “Nav, wait!” I was out the door and into the air.

I’m having way too much fun with this. I flew over to the massive maze that seems to appear only when you’re looking for it. On the way, I ran into Rainbow Dash. “Hey Nav! I don’t see you up here that much. Where you headed?”

“The maze. Hey RD, you’re arrogant and egotistic, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m under the influence of some kind of mind-fuckery right now and I really can’t find any fucks to give. Do you know anyone here with a camera?”

“Pinkie always has something like that lying around. Why?”

“I have an idea for the most kickass picture ever. Where’s Pinkie?”

Rainbow Dash pointed straight down at a pretty large stage. “Somewhere down there.”

“Convenient. Come on.” We started going down.

It didn’t take us long to find Pinkie. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash never asked what it was we were doing and she never noticed that there was a crown in my hand.

“Oh, hey N—” She broke off with a massive intake of air that took me a second to realize was a gasp. “WHEREDIDYOUGETPRINCESSCELESTIA’SCROWN!”

“From her head, duh. You got a camera?”

Rainbow Dash stared at me, her mouth gaping. Pinkie reached behind her and pulled a camera from… somewhere. I reached over to Rainbow Dash and plopped the crown on her head. Unfortunately, it was made for the head of a unicorn—a much larger unicorn—and it sort of sank down on Rainbow’s head.

“Now strike a pose, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, holding up the camera.

“Navarone, I’m all for pranks, but this… This is probably illegal! We could get in trouble for this!”

“Remember that mind-fuckery I mentioned earlier? I find myself wanting to care about this, but I just can’t right now; I’m having too much fun. Now come on before we get caught.”

Pinkie Pie’s camera flashed and she giggled. “It’s too late to go back now, Dashie. Now let’s make it worth it!”

“Oh Celestia, I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Rainbow Dash muttered. With that said, she struck a very victorious pose. A few minutes later, Pinkie ran out of film. Rainbow Dash was much more into it, now. “None of those pictures ever get out, Pinkie,” she warned, still wearing the crown. “If anypony ever finds out about this, we’re all going straight to the dungeons.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Pinkie said. “I’ll just show a few friends! What’s the worst that could happen?”

Rainbow Dash was about to retort when we all heard galloping. We looked up and saw Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity running for us.

I snatched the crown. “Gotta jet. Good luck.” I jumped into the air.

I heard Pinkie behind me saying, “Hey girls, want to see some pictures?”

Twilight screamed, “YOU COME BACK HERE NAVARONE!” I was already too far away for either her or Rarity to get me. I am so going to pony hell for this.

I went straight to the maze, this time. I flew over it and saw the girls somewhere in the middle. I landed in it, right next to them.

“Hey Nav. Whatcha doin’?” Applebloom asked.

I waved the hand that didn’t have the crown. “Oh, you know. Running from royal guards and Twilight. Hey, you girls want to do me a favor?”

“What do you need?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Drop this off in the royal throne room,” I said, dropping the crown on Sweetie Belle’s head.

Scootaloo and Applebloom gasped. Sweetie Belle looked up, trying to figure out what was on her head. “What is it?” she asked.

“Celestia’s crown. She let me borrow it for a few minutes, but I need to return it now. The thing is, I’m kind of busy. Can you girls drop it off for me?”

“We would…” Scootaloo started.

“But we’re lost,” Applebloom finished.

“I’m wearing the princess’s crown?” Sweetie Belle asked, her brain trying to come up with a rational response.

“Well it’s certainly not Chrysalis’s. She would kill me if I snatched hers off her head. You uh… You might not want to be seen with that, either. At least not until you get to the throne room. Do you three think you can get it there unseen if I can get you out of the maze?”

“We’re not foals, Nav,” Scootaloo said. “How hard could it be to sneak a crown in?”

“Yeah, sneaking it out would be the hard part!” Applebloom said. “It’s a good thing she let you borrow it, or I bet you never would have gotten away!”

“Yeah, she sure is a saint. Now, let me help you out of this place.” I jumped into the air and flew myself to the top. I looked around a bit and landed and gave them directions. “It should take you about ten minutes to get out. Make sure Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack don’t see you with that crown.”

“Thanks, Nav!” they all said, trotting off. I settled down into the maze. The girls would get out in about ten minutes and then they would probably run into Twilight, and they would tell her I was still in the maze. Rarity and Applejack would enter the maze and Twilight would wait for me to fly out. If she was smart, she would stand at a corner so she could maximize the amount of area she could watch so I couldn’t sneak out as easily. I would hopefully get lucky and sneak out on the side she wasn’t watching and then get far enough away that I could sneak to my room with no trouble.

The plan was going well until about ten minutes passed and the girls got out of the maze. Then Twilight came flying in on butterfly wings. Welp, she got me there. I ducked into the bushes, hoping she wouldn’t see me.

Of course she fucking saw me. She landed right in front of me. “Ahem.”

I peeled myself out of the bushes and batted my eyes. “Yes, Twilight?”

“You have something very important to my mentor.”

“You know, this spot is very secluded. Private. One could even call it… romantic.” I gently reached a finger out and stroked her jawline. Her eyes went wide. “We’ve lived together so long, been through so much… Wouldn’t you say we’ve gotten close?” I was bringing my head down a bit now and moved my hand under her chin, bracing her head up. “I’ve always been attracted to brains more than anything else.” Our heads were close, now. Her eyes were gently closed.

Which made it so much easier to run away and jump into the air. I was out of the maze before I heard a very frustrated scream following me. Twilight had very little practice flying, so it was nothing to get away from her, especially on her flimsy wings. It didn’t take too long to get back to my room, and I just flew into the window. Taya was there waiting for me.

“Sorry for abandoning you, but I didn’t think I was actually going to get very far,” I said.

“S’okay. Celestia’s reaction was worth it. So was Twilight’s.”

“Were they that mad?”

“Twilight was furious. Celestia was smiling, but she didn’t waste any time telling Twilight to track you down.”

“Well, Twilight failed. Pretty badly. I escaped her twice and passed the crown off to someone else while I was at it. Whatever Chrysalis did to my brain was both fucked up and yet also awesome. Do you think you can be cute enough to protect me on the way to Rarity’s workshop?”

“I’ve been practicing.”

“Awesome.” I reached over to the drawer and grabbed the medal and the scale and slid them in pockets. “Let’s go.” I opened the door and let Taya out first. I followed her and closed it behind me.

That’s when I heard something down the hall a ways. I looked that way and saw Cadance standing outside Chrysalis’s door. “I just want to talk to her!” I heard some muffles. “Luna is in bed, Celestia is busy, and I don’t know where Nav is.” More muffles. “How should I know? He’s not in his room.” Something. “When I asked her, she said something about the thrill of the hunt. I don’t know what that meant, but it sounded ominous, so I just came here.” What was that? More muffles? “Just open the door!”

There was a final single muffle and Cadance sighed deeply and gently let her head hit the door. I turned the other way and started tip-toeing away.

Unfortunately, ponies can’t walk silently for shit. As soon as Taya started following me, Cadance said, “Hey, wait up Nav!” Fuck. Time to run from another princess? You got i—Oh hey, it’s Twi—OH SHIT!

I turned and started running to Cadance. “Heyhow’sitgoingletmegetthatforyou.” Before she could respond, Taya, Cadance, and I were all in Chrysalis’s room, being stared at by a very confused Doppel. I had the door closed and locked before anyone could say anything. “Don’t open that door, Doppel. Sup, Chrysalis?” I asked, nodding.

She looked at me strangely before turning her gaze back to Cadance. “Hello, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”

We all heard a banging at the door. “YOU COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW NAVARONE!”

I turned to Doppel. “I will let you sample two of any of my memories you want if you pretend to be me right now and go out there.”

Doppel turned to the door. We heard a much louder bang. Doppel turned back to me. “No deal.”

“Any three?”

She looked back at the door to see it turning red hot. Apparently Celestia or Luna or someone put a lot of resistances into the door or something. She turned back to me. “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me go out there as you right now.”

“…Fuck.” The door was turning white. The hinges were starting to smoke. “Anyway,” I said turning back to Cadance and Chrysalis. “Cadance, this is Queen Chrysalis. Chrysalis, this is Cadance. I believe you’ve met, but I think it was under less than ideal circumstances.”

Cadance was staring at the door. “Nav, just what did you do?”

“I stole Celestia’s crown, paraded it around the palace, let Rainbow Dash take pictures with it, gave it to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, seduced Twilight, and got away. Now, back to the task at hand.” Chrysalis was actually cracking up at that. Wow, her giggle was adorable. “You two need to make peace.”

“She tried to kill me, brainwash Shining Armor, and doom all of Equestria.”

“Well, she also tried to kill me and yet I managed to forgive her.”

“She didn’t try to brainwash your fiancé, though.”

“No, but she pretended to be my sister.”

“Yes, and you punched me in the face for it,” Chrysalis said.

“Well, yeah. Hey Cadance, if you can punch Chrysalis in the face, will you forgive her?”

Cadance and Chrysalis both looked at me like I was an idiot.

“Sorry, sorry. Chrysalis, whatever you did to my mind upset the balance in there or something and it’s causing me to go haywire. I’ve been doing crazy shit all day.”

Chrysalis looked back to the door. “I can see.” I looked back too and saw that the stone around the door was starting to melt. I turned back to them. “Mi Amore Cadenza, for what it is worth, I do apologize. I was just trying to do what is best for my people.” Well, not just trying to do that, but I don’t think Cadance would be expecting her to lie.

“And you couldn’t do that by requesting aid?”

Taya spoke up, “She did, nine hundred years ago. Twilight found it in the records.” Cadance jerked back. “Celestia was distraught when she learned; apparently she doesn’t remember much from back then.”

Chrysalis gave a victorious smile. Cadance said, “I… see.”

“Before we go any farther,” Chrysalis said, “Please, all of you, sit. I may be a queen, but here I believe we are all equals.” Nice touch. Cadance moved hesitantly to the other couch. I moved to the arm chair and Taya sat across my lap. Chrysalis turned herself to face Cadance more easily.

“I have an important question,” I said. I pointed to Chrysalis. “If you can look like that, why would you look like that?” I asked, moving my finger to Cadance.

Another blush from Chrysalis and Cadance just gaped. Taya kicked me.

“Wait, shit. Sorry, ignore that; just my brain kicking off my filter again. Please, continue.” My eyes flicked to the door and I saw that the hinges were just small puddles on the floor. Doppel was watching it with fear in her eyes. Whoever made the door deserves one hell of a raise.

Chrysalis and Cadance were talking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. As long as they didn’t come to blows, I was hoping Chrysalis would be smart enough to say the right things. I was just gently petting Taya and hoping to high heaven that the door held.

After nearly five minutes, I was awoken from my reverie by laughter. I saw that Chrysalis was actually giggling, which made me smile; it really was adorable, as I said. Cadance was smiling. She said, “I don’t know if I will ever like you, but I do forgive you, Chrysalis. I understand that sometimes hard decisions have to be made for the sake of your people. I’m sure choosing to attack Equestria was a decision made out of desperation, as Nav said.”

“I… appreciate it, Mi Amore Cadenza. I do not wish to return to my changelings with angry ponies behind me.”

Cadance opened her mouth to respond, but the door suddenly started hissing, like a giant block of ice was hitting it. We watched it, unable to continue any manner of conversation with that noise. After about a minute, the hissing stopped and there was a gentle knocking and Celestia’s voice rang out, “Hello?”

Doppel went to answer it. I whispered to Taya, “Get ready to be very cute very fast.” She nodded.

The door opened and in walked Celestia. She had her crown back, at least. “I believe we have a solution for your famine,” Celestia said, looking at Chrysalis.

Chrysalis stood so she could face her. “I am listening,” she answered.

“Girls, if you would?” Celestia asked, turning slightly. The Cutie Mark Crusaders walked in, pushing a trolley with a teapot and two tea cups. Twilight followed them in, glaring daggers at me. “Navarone, Twilight, would you please come forward?”

We both looked at her, both alarmed. If she made me drink that shit, I would get sick. If she made Twilight drink that shit and look at me I would probably never get away. Taya hopped down and I stood, slowly walking toward the trolley. Twilight stepped forward as well. With a glow of Celestia’s horn, the teapot gently lifted and some purple bubbly liquid streamed out and into the two cups.

“Drink, both of you.”

“But Princ—” “I’m immu—”

“Drink.”

We both sighed. I looked down at the little teacup and picked it up. I stuck out my pinky finger and tossed it back. Twilight used magic to do the same, but without the pinky finger. Some people just lack sophistication.

As expected, my body rejected it out of hand. I was on the floor, coughing my lungs out. Twilight and Taya were instantly at my side.

I heard Celestia say between coughs, “Hmm. I wasn’t expecting that.” If I had been able to breathe or talk, I would have asked what she did expect to happen, but as it was, all of the air was being forced out of my lungs as my insides rearranged themselves. Finally, my body kicked the poison out in a black stream of raw hate. When it was safely back in the cup, I pushed myself up to my knees.

“Fuck love poison,” I rasped.

Twilight nuzzled me. “Are you okay, schmoopy?”

“Not again!” the girls—excluding Taya—groaned.

I ran my hand through Twilight’s mane. “Yes, dear. Just a bad reaction.” I pulled her in for a quick kiss that left her blushing. “I need to go and get something in my room right down the hall. You don’t mind waiting here and entertaining our guests, do you?”

She looked alarmed at me going away, but I pulled her in for another, longer kiss. “I’ll be just a minute, I promise.”

“Of course, pumpkin,” she sighed breathlessly. Celestia was starting to giggle. Chrysalis was rolling her eyes. Cadance was gaping.

I stood. “Taya, come along.” Taya followed me out.

“Doppel,” Celestia said, “Your queen requires a book. Go fetch it for her.”

Doppel gave a quick salute and joined me as I exited the door. I felt Twilight’s eyes on me the entire way. I let Doppel leave first and blew a kiss at Twilight when I realized that her eyes held a smoldering fire when she saw Doppel leaving with me. Twilight quickly returned to a dopey state and just waved until the door clicked shut.

I turned and saw Doppel and Taya grinning madly. “You’re good at this,” Doppel said.

I shrugged and jerked my head down the hall. They followed me to my room. “Can you walk on two legs?” I asked Doppel when we got there.

“I can, but I can’t make clothes like the queen can.” She smiled viciously. “Strip down, lover colt.”

I looked at her. She smiled back. I walked over to a drawer and pulled out a set of clothes for her. She looked at them and sighed. That done, she turned into me, complete with clothes and weapons. She walked out.

“Taya, go with her. I’ll be here, waiting for you.” She didn’t move. “Bacon.” She sighed and trotted off.

Not long after she left, Cadance and the Cutie Mark Crusaders came by wheeling the trolley. “How’s it going in there?” I asked.

They all grimaced. The girls made disgusted sounds. “It’s all lovey dovey and gross,” Sweetie Belle said.

Cadance said with much distaste, “The changeling is able to feed, but apparently the flavor isn’t quite right.”

“Oh, that’s just Doppel. She prefers lust rather than love, so love will taste a bit strange to her.”

Cadance clicked her mouth shut and grinded her teeth. After a moment, she forced out, “And how would you know that?”

I gave her a filthy grin. “I fed her last night.” She glared at me. I just smiled back.

“What’s… lust?” Applebloom asked.

Cadance shook herself. “Don’t worry about it, girls. Come on, let’s go to the garden. I’m sure we can find a fun game to play.”

“Just leave the trolley here,” I told them. They all ran off after Cadance.

Well, I have now angered two of the most powerful people on the planet today. Three, actually, if Twilight has as much magic as she thinks. All I need to do now is find a way to piss Luna off and I’ll be doing good.

I walked over to the desk and looked at the papers I had set up there. I poked through the unfinished ones, trying to remember more details. After a few minutes, I heard clawed feet walking in.

“Sup, Spike?” I asked without turning.

“Not much. Hey, have you been doing much thinking about the party?” I turned to face him, then.

“Sadly, no. My mind has been consumed recently.” Literally. “I’ve had a bit of a busy day.”

“Oh. Do you know where Twilight is, then?”

“Next door, with Celestia and the queen. I don’t think she’ll be happy to see you, though.”

“Why not? I just finished researching something she asked me to help her with.”

“Well, she’s currently infected with a love poison and fawning over either Doppel or Chrysalis.”

He shot straight up. “Then why are we in here? Come on, Nav, this is gonna be hilarious!”

“Because she is in love with me right now. If I go over there, she might explode or something.”

His eyes widened and he bolted down the hall, chuckling. I spun around in my chair and started looking through the pages again. I could probably finish this one. Maybe tonight. I looked up when I heard a terrible wrenching sound. “Huh.” I turned back to the pages. I heard an explosion and I was on my feet and into the hall. I looked out and saw Twilight, who turned her eyes on me with such an expression of joy that I didn’t know what to do. She used her wings to propel herself at me.

I smiled and open my arms for her. She tackled me and down we went.

Onto my wings.

A terrifying crack shot through the halls and I felt tears pool in my eyes. Twilight instantly healed me, which shouldn’t have been possible; in order to heal bones, you have to set them first. Or else be Celestia-level strong. I think that love poison might have given Twilight a bit of extra power. Normally my wings wouldn’t even break from that, but I think Twilight was also given an upgrade in strength or something; she slammed me into the ground like a sledgehammer.

She covered my face in kisses.

There are a lot of people that would say I deserve this. I heard the sound of Celestia’s horse shoes striking the ground on their way up to us. Taya and Spike strode alongside her.

Celestia stopped next to us, looking down on us. I was currently Frenching Twilight, so I couldn’t exactly say anything.

“There are a lot of ponies that would say you deserve this,” Celestia commented. I groaned and Twilight mistook it for a moan and somehow managed to tighten herself over me. Where did Twilight even learn how to do this? “However, I am not as sadistic as you seem to think I am. I still need to punish you for what you did to my crown. I will give you two choices: Stay here for one hour, with Twilight in her state, or dance with Pinkie at the reception. The music there will be newer stuff, I believe.”

Oh, you sadistic bitch. I reached down and squeezed Twilight’s cutie mark in response, eliciting another moan from her. Spike gagged.

Celestia shrugged. “I gave you the choice. Spike, Taya, come along. Let us leave the lovebirds to their activities.” They walked off, Taya giving several backwards glances. Honestly, it seemed more like punishment to Twilight than anything else. I mean, her mind got fucked with by a potion and now she’s forced to live a lie for an hour without even realizing it.

After a moment, I tapped her side. She pulled up, letting me get some air. Where can we go for an hour where no one can see us but she can’t do anything to me? She was smiling at me with a dopey expression again.

“Honey, would you mind getting off me?”

“Of course, my special somepony.” She eased off me. I sat up, shaking my wings. They were fine. She looked at them. “You know, I read something once about pegasus wings. About how they’re… really sensitive.” Her horn glowed and I felt some kind of vice grip tighten over my wings, slowly squeezing them.

It felt nearly orgasmic, even with my reduced senses. I smiled, a flush coming to my face. “Please, dear. You don’t need to do that to show me you care.”

Her smile turned sly. “I remember you saying all that time ago that you didn’t like being touched… But magic doesn’t require touch.” She picked me up with a purple aura and gave me bedroom eyes as she floated me to my room.

Well, I found a way to piss Luna off today.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

I knew that this was not going to be an overly enjoyable experience when she clunked my head on the side of the bed as she sat me down. She immediately pulled me back up, cradling me like a baby. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” She pulled me close and kissed the back of my head.

“Twilight, please, we don’t have to do this. We can just go for a walk. Or we can go get ice cream. Or… something other than this.”

“Oh no no no! Now that we’re finally together and we admitted our love for each other, I’m going to make sure you stay mine! So I’m going to pleasure you in the way that only the Element of Magic can…” That last was said in a scarily sultry voice. I don’t know what the fuck the Element of Magic is, but I know Twilight is disturbingly strong.

“I… I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Oh, but I do! I know all kinds of mares want to take you away. But none of them can give you what I can.” Her horn lit up and I felt my entire body jerk straight, still suspended in the air. My belt undid itself. My shoes untied themselves. All my clothes were slowly pulled off, leaving me defenseless before her half-lidded eyes. “I know allll about you, my love. I’ve studied your body inside and out. I know just where your erogenous zones are. And I know just how to get to them. I’m going to make you mine and you’re going to love every minute.”

This was starting to sound really, really scary. “Twilight, you’re scaring me a bit.”

“No fears now. Only dreams.” What does that even mea—HOLY FUCK!

Something inside me was being stroked as her horn lit up. I felt my eyes roll up as whatever she was doing brought incredible pleasure to me. “This is what we call the prostate, dear,” she calmly said. “When rubbed the right way, it’s… well, I think you know by now.” I had no defense against this. My insides weren’t protected by Celestia’s curse. “Most stallions don’t take long to give into this, when it’s being rubbed. But then, you aren’t most stallions. You’re my stallion.” She pulled my face down to hers and kissed me, able to overpower my tongue and explore my mouth all she wanted. The stroking against me just increased until I felt myself unable to resist any longer.

I came, moaning into her mouth. She continued stroking until I had nothing left to give. She finally pushed me away from her and saw the small puddle on the floor. Magic scooped it up and flew it over to her. She looked me dead in the eye and eagerly slurped it down. Oh God, what has Celestia gotten me into this time? Not even five minutes had gone by and she’d already done more for me than any of my other lovers ever had.

As if reading my mind, her smile returned. “We’re just getting started.” Her horn went brighter and I felt all my energy return. I instantly got hard again. “That’s just a taste of what I can give you, Nav. What do you think?”

“That was… quite enjoyable,” I hesitantly answered. More like terrifying as hell. If she could fine-tune her magic as well as that, what else could she do with it?

Her horn lit up brighter. “Oh my! Lying, even now…” I heard a whistling sound in the air and then felt a switch across the ass. I would have flinched, but I wasn’t able to move. “Don’t lie to me, Nav. Lovers don’t lie.”

“You know I don’t like magic, Twilight. I hate being controlled like this.”

“You don’t like magic… but I am a unicorn. And you love me.” It’s a good thing she didn’t think to use that lie detecting spell to question that. “Please be willing to try what I want to do…” And now she was pleading. Fuck love poison.

I grinned nervously. “Okay, dear. For… for you.”

Her horn glowed brighter and I felt a vice grip on my wings and my member. The one on my wings started circling down, looking for the pleasure centers. The one on my member began convulsing and vibrating, teasing my urethra with gentle taps. I felt a small vibration on my prostate again.

She slowly flew me over to the bed and gently laid me down, making sure to avoid hitting my head. The entire time she was doing that, I was in bliss, trying to fight the feelings. She climbed on top of me and looked into my eyes, loving purple meeting fearful green. “I love you, Navarone,” she whispered. Instead of waiting for an answer, she just kissed me again. She forced her tongue as far into me as she could get it. I was too preoccupied to fight.

The feeling around my wings was finally concentrating to a few nodes, the pleasure epicenters. I don’t know what cruel—or perhaps loving—god put them there, but I want to slap him in the face and then buy him a beer.

I would have wrapped my arms around Twilight, but she was still holding me, completely disallowing me from moving. I couldn’t fight her. I couldn’t help her. All I could do was give in.

So that’s what I did. I focused on the pleasure flowing in. The magic molding itself to my prostate. The pressure slowly growing on my wings. The magic-job she was giving my manhood. I just relaxed and let it happen.

A minute later, I came yet again, my seed shooting up and landing on Twilight’s back in a sticky mass. She pulled away from me, giggling. I saw it flying away, but I have no idea where it ended up. “That’s two,” she whispered, nuzzling me. “This one is a surprise I’ve been working on for a while. Let me know what you think when you can talk again.”

“When I can ta—” My perception of everything broke. I felt raw pleasure dumped into my brain, unimpeded by nerves or flesh. I had no idea what was happening to my body, I just know that whatever she was doing to my brain was ungodly. There was no other sensation than bliss. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t smell. I couldn’t taste. It was unimaginable and horrifying.

I lost all concept of time while I was in that state. When I finally came to, I learned that over half an hour had passed. My bed was nasty. Twilight was wearing a small smile, standing off to the side. Her horn had finally stopped glowing.

“What… did you… do?” I croaked.

“I used magic to send signals of pleasure directly into your brain.” She giggled. “You made quite a mess!” I looked around and saw what she meant. I got off the bed and onto my feet. I didn’t last a second before falling. Twilight’s magic caught me before I hit the ground and she floated me over for another kiss. “Now now now, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, now would I, my special somehuman?” She pushed me away a bit. “Now, I want to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re mine. That you finally realized that I’m the best for you. That you want me and only me.” I opened my mouth but she cut me off, “And I’ll know if you lie. I can think of other things to do to make you want only me.”

“I…” My voice caught. I didn’t want to say anything that might cause her to do something else to me. I had no idea Twilight was this fucking crazy. I knew she was bad at times, but this? This was terrifying.

“Yessss?” she whispered, leaning in.

I cast my gaze about the room, looking for anything to help me. My eyes caught a clock hanging on the wall. Oh. Oh my, that’s just perfect. I nodded a random direction. “LOOK OVER THERE, A DISTRACTION!” She blinked and jerked her head away, looking where I nodded. I instantly teleported away, carried by Celestia’s magic to a place that hopefully didn’t have a crazy unicorn.

(Sex is over)

An hour later, I couldn’t help but wonder who was guilty of rape. Me, for being sober but unwilling to risk life and limb to stop Twilight. Twilight, for actually doing the act even though she was drunk on love poison. Or Celestia, for letting it happen—nay, knowing it would happen and that Twilight was drugged and I had no way to stop her.

Fucking Molestia.

Anyway, after the prescribed hour, I was teleported straight to the library in Ponyville. I think I heard a shriek of horror reverberating from the castle, several miles away.

I immediately went downstairs and pulled a book from the shelves and downed half a flask of booze. I sighed, feeling better immediately. My crotch really hurt and my wings were feeling it too. I had an hour until the love poison on Twilight wore off, so I would be here for a little while.

I went to put on a set of clothes and went off to Applejack’s farm. It only took me about fifteen minutes to find the booze since it wasn’t hidden at all. There weren’t many barrels of it left. I grabbed a cart and loaded it full. I would have gotten help, but all of the Apples were apparently at Canterlot; Celestia decided to keep them on there for the week, paying them extra to stay and cook for the castle instead of sending them all back to their homes just so they’d have to come back at the week’s end. I pulled the cart into the train station and was on the first train heading to Canterlot. I was away for well over an hour by the time the train pulled in to Canterlot station.

I hired some day laborers to help me with the barrels. Having shitloads of cash is pretty helpful. I had the barrels left outside the entrance to the kitchens and stepped inside.

I walked back up to Applejack, who was once again stirring something. “Hey AJ, I took that booze from your barn. You want me to pay you now or later?”

“Anytime. I know yer good for it.”

“Well, you don’t exactly have pockets. It can wait. Just make sure no one bothers the barrels outside, alright?”

“Don’t worry about it, Nav; they’ll be fine.”

“Awesome. See you later.” She nodded, still stirring the whatever. I walked back out and flew up to my room.

Thankfully, the bedspread had been changed and the trolley with the poison was no longer there. I could still smell the shame, but I was hoping that was just emanating off me. I stripped down and went to the shower.

When I got out, Taya was back in my room. “Taya, the next time I try to steal the crown, I want you to stop me with magic.”

“Okay. Are you feeling better?”

“Immeasurably. My head feels much clearer, now that I have new sorrow to add to make up for what was lost.”

“Good. Twilight wants to speak to you, I think. And Celestia still wants you to go see Rarity.”

“Rarity first. She’s been waiting longer.” And I really didn’t want to see Twilight. “After her, we might visit Chrysalis again. I assume her door has been replaced?” Taya nodded. “Well then, shall we?”

“Shouldn’t you put some clothes on first?”

I blinked. “Yeah, I probably should.” I was, at least, wearing a towel. I checked the drawer with the normal clothes. It was empty. “Taya, where are my clothes?”

“In your drawer?”

I opened the other ones. They still had liveries in them.

A few minutes later Taya and I were walking to Rarity’s room. I was wearing the clothes from Ponyville. At least whoever stole my clothes left my weapons.

For the first time, I actually had to walk up Rarity’s stairs. It was horrifying. But given that my wings were still kind of sore, I suppose it was better than flying. I knocked on the door and it swung open. Cadance and Rarity were discussing dresses, so I just led Taya to the side of the room and did my best to forget the past few hours.

Before Cadance left, she said, “We still need to talk, Nav.”

I gave a dark smile. “Good luck ever finding me. I’m getting run ragged all over the damn place. I was in Ponyville an hour ago.”

“What were you doing there?”

“Recuperating. Ask Twilight or Celestia if you want more details.” Her eyes went wide, but thankfully she walked out.

Leaving Taya and me alone with a person that wasn’t quite happy with me.

Rarity held her smile until the door clicked and then turned a very disapproving glance over to me. Before she could yell at me I said, “Taya quick! Use cuteness!” Taya jumped for a moment and then turned her gaze upon Rarity, who raised an eyebrow and looked at Taya for a moment before turning her gaze back to me. “It isn’t working! Cute harder!”

Rarity face-hooved.

“She’s growing weak. Quick, finish her with a hug!”

“Navarone, please…” She was cut off by a filly hugging her, looking up at her with large, watering eyes. I could practically see Rarity’s heart melting. She sighed. “Okay, fine, you win.”

“Awesome. Taya, you can stop now if you want.” Taya let go and walked back over to my side.

Rarity watched her walk away with a gentle smile before looking back at me. “Only you would think of weaponizing cuteness, Nav. Now come over here. I have four suits of armor planned, two for solar and two for lunar.” I went over to her table and she showed me four drawings.

“Which one is the lightest? As in, weighs the least?”

“Weight isn’t an issue with armor, Nav. All of this is going to be enchanted by either Celestia or Luna when you get knighted. You will be tapped over the shoulder three times. One will be an enchantment that permanently lightens the armor, one will be a spell binding you to the oaths you took, and one will be a complete revitalization spell, signifying a fresh start. Didn’t they tell you that?”

I shrugged. “I wasn’t really listening. But if my load isn’t lightened until the ceremony, it still won’t help if I can’t actually get there because I’m so weighed down that I can’t move.”

“No, that’s when your load will be permanently lightened. Princess Celestia knows of your strength problem, Nav. She’ll help you with that before you go.”

“You know, you’d think that if they could enchant metal to be lighter, they could enchant clothes to be as strong as metal. Hell, just bypass the clothes entirely and make the skin strong.”

She blinked and looked at me. She grabbed my shirt and gently pulled me down to face level with her. Then she used her other hoof to slap me across the face. Not hard enough to leave a bruise, but it did smart. “Stop it.” She let my shirt go. “Now pick two of these, unless you’ve decided which patron you want.”

I rubbed at my face. “Stupid cunt,” I muttered. I turned my eyes down to the drawings. Well, it’s official. Our worlds have merged at some point. One of the armor sets for Luna looked like Daedric armor from one of the Elder Scrolls games while the other one was unfamiliar—I assumed it came some time after I left—the only difference being a crescent moon stamped on the front and back breastplate and shield of each. One of the sets of Celestia’s armor looked like the light plate armor from one of the Fable games, while I didn’t even recognize the other one. The only differences were, again, the sun stamped on them. The second sets of armor that I didn’t recognize looked more badass than the ones I did.

I looked at Rarity. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but have you ever been in a large-scale battle?”

She gave me a very womanly look.

“Rarity, I wouldn’t be able to see in any of these if I was wearing the helmet. Honestly, it doesn’t matter given that as soon as the knighting ceremony is over I’m scrapping the armor, but still.”

She gave me a horrified look. “You can’t do that!”

“You would be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Rarity.”

“You don’t understand! One of the oaths that you take as a knight is that you will be the shield of the princess until your shield fails! If your armor gets lost or scrapped, your oaths will be vo—Why are you smiling?”

“Rarity, you just made me a very happy man. So all I have to do is destroy my armor and I’m no longer a knight?”

“Well, I guess you could look at it that way, yes. Why?”

“Oh, no reason…” I looked over the armor with much more interest.

“Navarone, what are you thinking?” Rarity asked hesitantly.

Which armor will be easiest to break? “Just trying to decide which of these beautiful sets I want, Rarity. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.” I pulled the medal out of my pocket while thinking. “Do you think you can do something with this? Or should I just not bother?”

She looked at it. “It would fit more on the Solar sets, but Twilight told me how you won those battles and your methods fit more on the Lunar armor. I can’t incorporate it. Sorry, Nav.”

I shrugged and slipped it into a pocket. “No worries.” I picked out the two sets I didn’t recognize. “One of these two. I’ll get back to you tomorrow about whether I’m going to be Solar or Lunar. Now, do you know who is planning my weapon?”

“Not my department, Nav. Didn’t the princesses tell you anything? They choose the weapon for you when you decide which you want as a patron.”

Huh. “That works. If you don’t need anything else, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?”

Taya cleared her throat. “I believe you need to see Twilight,” she commented.

I looked at her. She looked at me. I turned back to Rarity. “So yeah, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?”

“No pony ever knows where Pinkie is until she appears. Fluttershy is probably in the gardens. But if you need to see Twilight, you should probably go to her. Especially given how angry she was with you after that stunt you pulled. She didn’t say what you did to her in the labyrinth, but she was very, very angry.”

“Eh, she’ll get over it. Come along, Taya; we have a busy schedule.” I led her back out and down the tower. I couldn’t help but hum as we kept walking. Despite everything, I still felt pretty good.

“Daddy, what are you doing?”

“Walking. And breathing. Osmosis, mitosis, diffusion. Several other cellular operations. Humming. Thinking. Talking.”

“Oh. I meant… what’s that noise?”

“That’s me humming. I can stop, if you want.”

“No, that’s okay. It sounds… nice.”

“Well, if you knew the song I was humming, you probably wouldn’t think that way.” From what I had seen, Taya preferred classical music. I wasn’t humming that.

“If you like it, it can’t be all that bad.”

“But I’m a bad person, remember. Doesn’t that mean my tastes are also bad?”

“Not necessarily. And that’s also assuming that you are a bad person, which is a lie.”

“Yeah, well, I am a liar.”

She huffed. We walked in silence for a bit. I finally said, “I never did ask. Did Chrysalis hurt you when she looked into your mind?”

“No. It just felt… odd.”

“Are you just saying that because you don’t want me to kill her?”

“No. You can kill her if you want.”

“I’m glad to know you’re so understanding. I think I’ll hold off, at least for now.”

She shrugged and we continued in silence.

It didn’t take us long to find Fluttershy out in the gardens. She was teaching birds to sing or something. Since Fluttershy hadn’t noticed us, we sat back to watch. When they finished their song, I started clapping lightly, causing Fluttershy to jump and scare the birds away.

“Nav, you’re back!” She rushed forward and was probably about to tackle me into a hug when Taya restrained her with magic.

“Thank you, Taya. I am getting tired—oh so very tired—of being thrown on my ass whenever a pony wants a hug. Twilight actually broke both of my fucking wings today, she tackled me so hard. Now, if you want a hug, can you be reasonable about it?”

“Oh… Sorry for almost hurting you, Nav… Can I… can I have a hug?” I sighed exaggeratedly and stood, opened my arms slightly, and put on an impatient expression. She flinched and gently extended her forelegs.

I quickly grabbed her and held her in a vice grip. She “Eep’d.” I held her like that for a few seconds before letting her drop.

“Now why did you want a hug?” I asked.

“I heard you went… crazy… today. I saw you sitting there and you looked fine, so I assumed your mind was back to normal.”

“Well, it’s better than it was. Normal is pushing it. Now let’s go.”

“Um. Okay.” She fell into step beside me and Taya. We were at the castle before she asked, “So where are we going?”

“To see Chrysalis,” I answered. “As I said last night, she wants to apologize for threatening you.”

Fluttershy didn’t seem that comfortable with that answer. “Twilight asked us… to not see her. And she did seem awfully mean, Nav.”

“Fluttershy, you would probably be pretty pissed if a plan you were working on fell through in such a spectacularly bad way. Especially if your family depended on that plan being successful. It wouldn’t hurt to give her a chance, would it? I won’t let her hurt you.”

“I don’t know…”

“You’re too kind to refuse to let someone apologize. I think she feels bad for what she did and wants to make sure you don’t think ill of her for it. Surely you can give her that comfort, at least? You don’t have to stay long.”

“…Okay.”

“Cool. Oh, and don’t worry: We already tested the love poison, so I’m not going to get you to do that.”

“You didn’t hurt anypony, did you?”

I snorted. “No, but Twilight sure did hurt me. Like I said, she broke my wings.” She made up for it. “Celestia could have made a much smarter choice than someone as powerful in magic as Twilight. And I don’t even know why she had me drink that stuff when she knows that I’m immune.”

“She gave Twilight a love poison? That seems…”

“Dangerous?” I asked.

“Stupid?” Taya asked.

“Irresponsible,” Fluttershy finished.

“Well, yeah,” I said. “That’s Celestia for you. She tends to do things that would be funny rather than things that would be right. Sometimes, anyway.”

“Nav, that’s not tru—Well… Okay.” She had read my journal and she had a few experiences of her own with Trollestia. “But still, you could have been hurt!”

“She broke my fucking wings. I was hurt. I got better.”

Fluttershy shook her head sadly. “Somepony should really talk to Princess Celestia about her actions. One day she might make a really big mistake!”

“She wouldn’t do that, Fluttershy. She knows when to be serious and when she can goof off. She’s pretty old, remember? I have to say, though, she looks fine for her age.”

Fluttershy turned a funny color and stopped walking when I said that. I kept going, not paying her any heed. After a moment, she caught up and didn’t mention it.

Unfortunately, Taya did. “What does that mean, daddy?”

Now it was my turn to be red-faced. “When you get to be several thousand years old, I don’t think you’ll have a figure like she does,” I answered.

“Oh.”

“Nav… is that what you really meant?” Fluttershy asked.

I scoffed. “Hell no. You’re just too young to hear what I actually meant. I’ll tell Taya later, when you’re at nap time.” Taya giggled.

Fluttershy looked up at me and said, “I’m a year older than you.”

“What? You don’t even know how old I am.” How old were these ponies, anyway? I can never tell and no one ever tells me when I ask.

“I think what she meant,” Taya said, “Is that she’s more mature than you are.”

“Well, yeah. It would be hard not to be, with my mind up in smoke as it is. I mean, even Rarity is probably more mature than me right now, and we all know how zany she usually is.” That got a chuckle out of Fluttershy.

“Fluttershy’s normally more mature than you are anyway, though,” Taya said.

“Well that’s no fun. Just because you get older doesn’t mean you have to grow up. Fluttershy, you should live a little. I bet if you asked, Pinkie Pie could teach you to be a swinger.”

“What’s a swinger?”

“No idea, but I’ve heard the term back on my world and it was usually associated with partying and whatnot.”

“Maybe I’ll have to ask Pinkie, then. It certainly sounds… fun.”

“Swinging on trees can get old. That’s why I’m a human now and not a chimp.”

“You used to be a chimp?” Fluttershy asked, wonder evident in her voice.

“Not me personally, but my species. We evolved from them.” Not entirely accurate, but fuck all if Fluttershy knew the difference.

“I heard you mention that last night. What’s… evolution?”

I sighed. It was a long walk to Chrysalis’s room.

“…So you’re saying that you used to be a monkey?”

“Oh look, we’re here.”

“But then som—”

“OH LOOK, WE’RE HERE!” I knocked on the door, cutting Fluttershy off.

Doppel opened the door. “Why are you yelling at yellow quiet, Nav?” she asked.

“Because she’s asking stupid questions. Is Chrysalis free?”

“Yes. The queen is free.” She didn’t open the door any further and continued standing there.

“Can we… see her?” I finally asked.

“I don’t know. Can you give her proper respect?”

“Let them in, Doppel,” Chrysalis called out. “You know how Navarone is.”

With an audible ‘humph,’ the door opened to let us inside. We entered, Fluttershy gently closing the door behind us.

“I see you managed to escape your paramour, Navarone,” Chrysalis said with a smirk, showing off her fangs. Fluttershy shivered when she saw that.

“Yes. I did. What the hell did you do to her that made her break down the door?”

“That was your precious princess, actually,” Chrysalis said. “She told Doppel to turn back to her shape. Celestia then bent down and whispered something into Twilight’s ear. A few seconds later, the door exploded and your princess giggled.”

“Yep, that’s Celestia.” I turned to Doppel. “I have more memories for you, if you’re still interested.”

“I got plenty from Twilight. It was all fresh, too! I wanted to…” She paused for a moment and then continued. “Well, your princess told me no. It seems she didn’t have any compunctions about giving you the honor.”

“Well, that’s creepy.” I turned back to Chrysalis. “I brought Fluttershy back. I remember you saying you wished to talk with her.”

Chrysalis gave me one of those looks. It was the first one I had gotten from her, and the reptilian eyes really compounded it. Since they don’t have any effects on me anyway, the compounding didn’t do anything, but still.

“Don’t you look at me with that tone of voice.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, my mind is still a bit beaten up. I’ll just sit down.” She jerked her head to the armchair, which I gratefully plopped down in. Taya joined me a second later. Today has just been a really weird day. I gently pet her without thinking about it, zoning out again. I felt something brush my leg but ignored it.

And then I heard giggling and looked down. I was petting a filly version of Doppel. Taya was looking up at me with a bit of mirth in her eyes. I sighed and moved Doppel to one knee and patted Taya up to the other. My legs had a lot of pressure on them from two filly-sized creatures, but meh; I had two hands. I quickly had Doppel’s tongue lolling as I scratched at her ears.

Chrysalis and Fluttershy were talking, but again I wasn’t really paying attention. Chrysalis was a big girl; I’m sure she could take care of herself. And Fluttershy was too nice to fly off the handle.

…Probably.

Anyway, nothing bad happened. Fluttershy left after a few minutes, giving me a concerned look before closing the door. Chrysalis turned a disdainful eye to me. Or rather, to Doppel. “Get off him.” Doppel was too busy having her back scratched; she was arching into my hand like a cat. It wasn’t until Chrysalis turned into a large dragon and picked the filly-sized Doppel up by the scruff of her neck that Doppel realized she might be in trouble. Chrysalis glared at her with her glowing green eyes.

Doppel grinned sheepishly and turned back to her regular size with a shrug. Chrysalis unceremoniously dropped her, letting her slam into the floor. That done, Chrysalis turned back to her regular shape and sat back down. Or whatever it is ponies call what they do on couches. Taya moved to take over my entire lap again.

“How have you remained sane here, Navarone?” Chrysalis asked, as though that whole episode never occurred.

“I ask myself that every day. I take long walks and do my best to avoid ponies for long stretches of time. Spending a bit of recovery time in other continents helped as well.”

“And alcohol,” Taya added.

“Yeah, that has helped a bit,” I sighed wistfully.

“What is… alcohol?” Chrysalis asked.

“It’s a human stimulant. Or rather, a human depressant. It distorts the mind temporarily. I don’t know all the science behind it, but it basically does to every race what salt does to ponies. I don’t dip into my stores much, but sometimes I wake up and all I can do is grab a flask and sit on a cloud and drink.”

“I see. I don’t suppose you can obtain some of this substance for me? These ponies are driving me to my breaking point.”

“It’s just going to get worse when I bring in Pinkie. Tell you what: I have a few barrels of that shit at the palace. I’ll save one of them and bring it up here during the wedding reception. We can both get trashed and lament our sorrows together.”

She smiled darkly. Taya said, “Can I have some?”

“No, fillies don’t get to drink booze.”

“What about me?” Doppel asked.

Chrysalis said, “Navarone just said fillies are not allowed to partake.” Doppel pouted.

“Awesome. Now I have a good reason to not be there. The wedding will end, I’ll get knighted, immediately destroy my armor and get unknighted, grab some booze and come on up.”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “You found a loophole, then? Good. At least you will find some freedom. Your princess has yet to discuss terms with me about the use of love poison and her ponies. I hope they will be terms I can find peace with, as I fear I am in no position to bargain.”

“You might be better off than you know. As Taya said earlier, records were found indicating that you did, in fact, come earlier as you said you did. That might be enough to send Celestia into a small guilt trip, giving you more favorable terms. And the more ponies you make peace with, the better light you’ll be seen in by the people here. As long as you keep pretending to be changed, you should be fine. And as long as you don’t come back and try to create trouble here again, you should be free to rule your people as you see fit when you leave.”

“Unless Celestia’s terms are something I find myself unable to agree with.”

I shrugged. “I honestly can’t help you there. She knows I have been spending a lot of time here, so she wouldn’t listen to me if I came to her trying to discuss what she wants to do. I don’t know what she has planned.”

“Then I suppose I shall have to wait until after the wedding.” She would probably be hung over, too. I’ll have to make sure she has plenty of water.

“If it makes you feel any better, Celestia will almost definitely offer you some manner of terms. When she requires my help, my choices are often either prison or doing as she asks.”

“And why does everypony consider her such a benevolent ruler, again?”

“Because she had your ass on the floor and decided to spare you instead of sending you to Tartarus.”

“Because you convinced her to.”

“What would you have done if you had someone that threatened your people on the floor at your feet, knocked out?”

“Imprison them so I could continually feed off their emotions. I am not considered benevolent. She is.”

“Well, she is usually very nice to her subjects. But I’m not technically one of her subjects.”

“Then how can she knight you?”

“Because she’s the princess and she does what she wants. Who the hell’s going to stop her?”

Chrysalis grimaced. “Can you not kill her yourself? As much as she trusts you, I don’t imagine it would be a hard feat.”

“Oh, I could do it in a snap. In fact, I have done it; she asked me to do a training exercise a few months ago where I was an assassin. I killed her easily. I did the same thing to Luna, three times. But if I actually killed them, I would never escape this palace alive. And apparently Celestia has some manner of effect on the planet, even though she lies about controlling the sun; if she dies, there would apparently be some terrible consequences.”

She sighed. “I feared as much. I already know you wouldn’t accept any deals with me, so I won’t bother asking.” I didn’t say anything. She continued, “I don’t suppose you have had any luck finding the pink one? I might as well get the pain over with as quickly as possible.”

“I ran into her earlier when I was running around with the crown, but I don’t know where she is now.” She grinned at the mention of the crown. “I could try looking around, if you want. I can’t promise to find her and bring her back today, though; that one is always elusive.” I could totally see myself walking around the entire palace looking for her, only to find that she was right behind me the entire time and just managed to turn with me every time I looked behind me. “Honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t forced her way in yet.”

“That persistent pastel purple pony has already proven how difficult that is.”

“Pinkie Pie doesn’t observe the laws of reality. I could honestly see her teleporting in here. In fact, she’s probably watching us right now from somewhere.” I paused as we heard distant laughter. I continued, “She probably has your party fully planned, and is just waiting for you to give the go-ahead.”

Chrysalis smiled. “Now I truly am tempted to ignore her. I remember seeing some of her… abilities… when I was posing as that simpering fool, but to see if she could truly get past the defenses built into this room would be something.” We heard distant giggling again.

“I wouldn’t tempt fate. I’ll bring her here when I find her. I know you know how frustrating she is, so I’ll try to pay attention during that conversation and jump in when I can.”

“I have been handling myself fine so far. Mi Amore Cadenza was difficult to talk to, but Fluttershy was relatively easy. The pink one, though…” She shuddered. “I do not wish to talk to her at all; your help is welcomed.”

“If you really insist upon not using names unless you know the full one, Pinkie’s name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. Calling her that will annoy her, so that should be a plus for you.”

“Yes. That will do nicely. Now, I don’t suppose you’d mind if we talked in private for a little while?”

“Taya, if you return to my room, I’ll pick you up before I go looking for Pinkie. Or you can go wherever you want and I’ll find you later. Just stay out of trouble, as always.”

“I’ll be next door,” she whispered.

“Remember the code word, then.”

She jumped down and trotted to the door.

“Doppel, I require more books. Go and get something. You know what I like.”

She saluted and opened the door for herself and Taya, leaving me alone with Chrysalis.

She looked at me and stood. “If you tell anypony about this, I’ll kill you,” she warned, before shrinking to a much smaller version of herself and jumping into my lap. I put my hand on her neck and started gently scratching. She sighed lightly and sank down a bit.

One of my hands moved to her wings. I really hoped they weren’t sensitive like mine or those of pegasi, but I’ve done worse things than accidentally pleasure a filly-sized bug-queen thing. They really did feel cool, too; some of the holes were big enough to stick my finger through, and when I did, she gasped. Not thinking about that symbolism. Nope. I traced a few of the veins going down the dragon-fly-like wings.

The hand on her neck went up to her head and I gently scratched at her ears. They weren’t quite like pony ears, and they laid back farther, but they reacted the same to some nice scratching. After a moment, I moved my hand up to the area around her horn, gently rubbing it. Eventually, I moved my hand to under her chin, scratching it. Her leg started gently kicking when I did that. If Twilight could see her now, she wouldn’t be so angry. We all need a bit of comfort sometimes.

I stopped scratching her chin and she said, “So what did you mean earlier when you asked why I would look like Mi Amore Cadenza when I could look like myself?”

“Cadance is so… Eh. Aside from being an alicorn and a distinctive color, she just looks like almost any other pony to me. You, however…” I gently ran a finger down from the tip of her head to the base of her tail, causing her to shiver. “…unique. Striking. Definitely someone I would rather have a conversation with than Cadance. And what can I say?” I asked as I moved the hand working on her wings to the base of her tail and the other hand to her wings, rubbing her flank gently. “Evil is sexy.”

I heard that little chuckle that I thought was so adorable.

And then Celestia walked in. No knocks, no preamble, no nothing. “Ahem,” she coughed.

Chrysalis shot out of my lap like a fucking bullet and was back to her own shape before I could even look up. When I did, I saw that she was blushing a nearly luminescent green.

Celestia looked at her with what might have been disappointment before turning to me. “Navarone, come.”

I went to the door and into the hall. She followed me out. She led me down the hall to my room and then transformed into Doppel, where we proceeded to totally crack up.

“What are you two laughing at?” Taya asked.

“The look on her face!” I giggled. “Oh God, it was priceless!”

“The look on her face?” Doppel cackled. “You thought you were about to get castrated!” I wouldn’t go that far, but I think there was definitely some horror there.

“Oh God, she’s going to kill you when she finds out about this.”

“It was so worth it. Put that on my tombstone. Better yet, put a picture of her face when I walked in! I can just imagine the look on Celestia’s face if she actually was the one that walked in!” She burst out laughing again and I couldn’t help but join her.

“Oh man, it’s a shame I’m going to have to lock you in her room, now. That was almost too funny…”

“Wait, what?”

“You know, the whole no transforming without permission thing? That totally goes against it.”

“But… but… It was so hilarious! It was just the perfect timing!”

“I know, which is why I’ll consider letting you get away with it. But you’d have to owe me.”

She was suddenly on me, tracing a line down my chest with her fucked up hoof. “Oh? I can think of a few ways to make it up to you.”

I gently grabbed her two front hooves and pushed, causing her to tumble backwards. “A favor. I might cash it in later. Deal?”

She leaned up, rubbing her back. “Deal.” I grabbed one of her front hooves and hauled her to her feet.

“Now go back to Chrysalis. I’m sure she’s quaking in her carapace right now.” Her surprisingly soft carapace, actually. “If she asks why you don’t have any books, just tell her you saw Celestia and me going somewhere and you saw the severity on our faces and you rushed right back.”

“You really are good at this. No wonder those ponies keep you around.” With that, she was out the door.

“Welp, that made my entire year. Shall we go find Twilight?”

“What happened to looking for Pinkie?”

I waved a hand. “Are you in the mood for dealing with her right now?” That wasn’t the real reason, of course; if Chrysalis had me return to her quickly enough, she would know that we were fucking with her.

“I’m never in the mood to deal with her.”

“Fair enough. Shall we be off, then? Also, bacon.” She walked to the door and off we were. “Any thoughts of where to look first?” I asked.

“The library?”

“Fair enough.” She wasn’t there. She also wasn’t with Applejack, Rarity, or Fluttershy. “Well fuck. This palace is just unnecessarily big.”

“And it seems to grow occasionally, too. I think we’ve passed a few rooms that weren’t there the last time I passed this way.” THANK GOD, SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

“Well, any other ideas?”

“Throne room?”

“Couldn’t hurt.” We went that way. “Wait, what time is it?” We looked at each other and she shrugged. “Have you eaten lunch?” She shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk to Twilight anyway. Let’s hit the royal eatery.” Again, back to the kitchens…

I turned suddenly and swear I caught a small glimpse of a tuft of pink in the corner of my eye, but kept going. If Pinkie was following me, I would never know until she wanted me to.

Thankfully, we bumped into Spike in the kitchens. “Hey Spike, you see those barrels outside?” He nodded around an apple pastry. “That’s all the booze for the party. Leave me one barrel and the rest is yours. I need you to do me a favor, though.”

He swallowed the apple thing. “What do you need?”

“Whenever you get a free moment, look up everything you can about knights and voiding oaths.” I wanted to make sure Rarity was correct before I actually went and destroyed my armor. Besides, there ain’t no telling what kind of shit I can find; in my experience, when Celestia wants you to do something, she’ll tell you the side of the story she wants you to hear. If there was a way around oathing myself to either sister, I was all for finding it.

His eyes went wide with excitement.

“That doesn’t mean for you to look up stories about knights. That means you need to find out about their contracts and all the legalese involved. Learn about the oaths, exceptions and whatnot, and all that jazz. Hell, just finding me the proper books would be enough, but if you could go ahead and look through them, that would be kickass.”

“Sure. I can go and do that as soon as I finish here. What do you need the one barrel for?”

“Assuming you can’t find me a way to get unknighted, I’m going to do something really stupid during the wedding reception.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I’m going to go get drunk with Chrysalis and hopefully do something stupid enough to force Celestia to drop the knighthood herself.”

“Well, good luck with that…” He scarfed another thing down.

“Oh, and don’t tell Twilight about my plans. If you do, I’ll tell her that you were drinking at the bachelor party.” He spit crumbs everywhere. “Speaking of Twilight, do you know where she is?”

He coughed a few times. “In her room,” he rasped. He grabbed some apple juice.

“Well, where’s her room?”

“Same place it always is, dude. Isn’t that where you stayed during the first Gala?”

“Dude, I’ve seen some shit today, man. I stole Celestia’s fucking crown and booked it across the palace. My mind is fucking gone.” When I mentioned that I stole Celestia’s crown, he coated the table in apple juice. “Jesus, Spike, you’ll never win Rarity over if you keep spitting food everywhere.”

“You did what?!”

“You heard Celestia today when she left me with Twilight. That was punishment for taking her crown. It was hilarious, too. I had Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack chasing me around the grounds while Pinkie and Rainbow Dash played interference. It ended with me and Twilight in the maze. I had already passed the crown off by then, but she didn’t know that. I had to seduce her to get her distracted long enough to get away.”

Spike was cracking up again.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you, bro. I need to jet. Come find me when you learn anything more about knights.”

When Taya and I got to the door he finally burst out laughing. On the way to Twilight’s room, I sighed. “Today has just been a really weird day, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah. It really has been.”

“Do you think your cuteness will work on Twilight?”

“I don’t think so. It took all I had to beat Rarity, and she was only disappointed at you.”

“Damn. I guess I’ll have to rely on my charm and good looks.”

“So we’re doomed?”

“Oh yeah, we’re fucked. It was nice knowing you, though.”

“I can think of worse places to die…” I can imagine.

“You know, if you hid on my back, you might be able to surprise her with a sneak attack. And you might get another chance to kick me in the back of the head.”

“I’m sold.” I gently lifted her up and gave her another piggyback ride.

We were like that until we got to Twilight’s large spire room house thing. “Now, if you think she’s about to attack me, you jump at her while I get away. She’d never attack an innocent filly.”

“But if I jump at her, wouldn’t that mean I wasn’t innocent?”

“Fuck, I didn’t think this through. We can com—” The door opened.

Twilight stared at me. I stared at her. After a moment, Taya cleared her throat.

Twilight walked back inside, leaving the door open. I followed her in, ducking so Taya didn’t hit her head. I saw a gentle glowing from my head and the door shut behind me.

“So how are the tests on the poison?” I asked.

“We need to talk,” Twilight said.

“About the black shit I coughed up, right? Let’s talk about that.”

“You aren’t running away from this problem, Nav. Not like you do all your other ones.”

“It isn’t so much running as it is—”

“Shut up and sit down.” She pulled a chair out from under a table with magic.

“If you’re going to be rude, I can ju—”

“No, you can’t.” I didn’t much care for the menacing undertone there.

I set Taya down and went to the chair she pulled out for me. Seeing nothing wrong with it, I sat. Twilight came back in a moment with a pot of tea—actual tea, not poison. She set it down and three cups levitated over to the table, sitting in front of each of us. Three different jars flew and landed as well. The teapot poured into each of the three cups. I reached for one of the jars but it leapt away from me. One of the others pushed itself forward. I grabbed it.

“Twilight, what the fuck is… strychnine?”

“Just something else I’ve been meaning to test on you. Try it.”

I poured a bit of the stuff into the tea and stirred it. “As mad as you are at me, I can’t imagine this test is going to leave me very healthy. Is it too late to remind you of what I said earlier about nothing I did today ever being held against me?”

“Try it.”

Taya was looking at me with apprehension in her eyes. I shrugged and grabbed the teacup and drank a bit of it.

“Not bad. Kind of earthy, but I’ve had worse. It tastes kind of like… Why am I reminded of… punch?”

My eyes went wide. The party. The poison used on Blueblood.

Twilight smiled. “You’re doing well so far. Anypony else would have died as soon as they swallowed. This stuff is so toxic that special containers have to be made for it; I’m honestly surprised the teacup survived it.” She gently sipped at her own tea.

I took another sip at mine.

“So why did you want to talk to me?” I asked in a conversational tone. Well, Twilight has gone off the deep end. Play it cool until I can safely get out and warn Celestia.

“Your behavior today has been… beyond inappropriate. You are lucky Princess Celestia told me why you are acting this way. I wish she had done it before we met in the maze, but that has always been her way.”

I took another sip. “So why did you want to talk to me?”

“What Celestia had us do today was bad. Even for her, it was worse than usual. I know you deserved it, but I was wondering if you wanted to know why I did.”

“I don’t. It’s not my business.”

“That’s a shame.” I emptied my teacup and sat it back down. The teapot lifted to refill it. I reached for the first jar I had tried to grab, but she pulled it farther. She pushed the second one up.

“Look, I know what sarin is. How the titfuck did you sick bastards make this stuff?”

“You survived the strychnine. I want to see how much your new body can take. And I’m in a bad enough mood to find out, one way or another.”

“Twilight, the poison at the party didn’t start affecting me until a few minutes had passed.”

“I examined it. Based on what I could tell, it was considerably less toxic than what I have already given you. If you were going to have any ill effects, they should have hit by now.”

“I’m not playing this game with you, Twilight. It took four unicorns to barely save Blueblood, and from what I’ve heard, he’s still not doing too good. I got sick from what he had.” I could feel a slight itching inside me, too. “What do you think fucking sarin will do to me? This is a nerve agent! Even the sick fucks that run my world banned this shit!” The itching was turning to a scratching.

“Fine. We’ll wait a few minutes. But as to your first question, I have discovered some interesting properties from the love poison you threw up. Your guess was right: It is, essentially, liquid hate.” The scratching was turning into waves of pain. “I had to get a small taste to tell even that. I might test it on some of Fluttershy’s animals when I get back… It shouldn’t actually hurt anypony, but I think it will change their mental state a bit. I wish I could test more about how your body created it, though.”

I would have tried to tell her, but my body picked that time to spit out some amber blood. I noticed before I passed out that it was much more viscous than normal.

Thankfully, I woke up again. Not so thankfully, nearly sixty hours had passed since I passed out. I was in a familiar segmented bed. I pushed myself up and noticed how incredible I felt. My window showed that it was pretty dark outside. I got to my feet and immediately fell forward; my entire body was stiff. I stood again and limbered up a bit. I used the moonlight to find clothes. There were two sets laid out for me: One of Luna and one of Celestia. I checked everywhere else and there wasn’t anything there for me.

Fuck. Well, I like darker clothes anyway… I grabbed the Luna set. At least they’re comfortable.

None of my weapons were around. I slid the window open and flew out.

I didn’t stop flying until I was at Ponyville. I quickly stripped out of my clothes and put on another set and grabbed three more as well. I stuffed the Luna clothes in the bag I grabbed as an afterthought. I flew back into Canterlot and into the window I left. Round trip, it took about an hour. I left the Luna clothes where I found them. I left that room and flew to my own room. I stuffed the bag under the bed and found all my weapons in a pile on the floor. I loaded myself up and went to find out what the dick just happened.

With that in mind, I went to the throne room. A few guards flinched when I walked by, but no one said a word. The guards standing at the throne room doors actually gaped when they saw me. Without a word, one of them pushed the doors open for me.

I walked in and nodded to Luna. “Sup?”

She also gaped. “How are you up and moving?”

I shrugged. “You know. Legs. Wings. Stuff like that. How long was I out?”

“About two and a half days. Seriously, how are you up? You shouldn’t be able to stand!”

“Look, I heal fast. Now what the hell happened?”

“I’ll spare you the details and just get to the meat: You had about three organs left when Celestia got to you. We actually had to break the spell on Chrysalis to save you; it took all three of us to bring you back.”

“Cool.” I pulled a knife out. “Now where is Twilight Sparkle? I am going to mount her horn on my wall.”

“Her punishment has been dealt out. She was incredibly remorseful; she honestly did not expect you to react as you did. It appears Celestia exaggerated when she discussed the effects of the poison you got at the party, and Twilight’s curiosity and anger was compounded by the small taste she had of that hate poison you spit up, though Celestia only knows why she was stupid enough to drink it. It also appears as though changeling magic melds well with alicorn magic. To be up already is quite a feat.”

I put the knife up. “What did I miss?”

“Honestly, nothing much. After Chrysalis helped you and did not make any attempts to flee, she has been given the run of the castle and its grounds. I do not expect her to be out much, but she has the option if she chooses. Twilight was punished.” She shrugged. “Come. It is time for me to lower the moon and for Celestia to raise the sun.” She led the way to their special chamber for it. It was a pretty fancy place, even though it was built around a lie; I still had yet to see any proof they actually controlled the sun and moon.

We got there before Celestia. “This is an honor, Nav; it isn’t common that somepony gets to see us move the heavenly bodies while in the palace.”

“Cool.” I really wasn’t that impressed. Twilight had taken me to what was called the Summer Sun Festival one year during the longest day of the summer, or something like that. Celestia jumped in the air when the sun rose. Big whoop.

But again, I’m wise enough to know that there are some things that it isn’t smart to say, and my mind was back in control enough to keep my mouth shut.

When Celestia got there, she took one look at me and shook her head. “Navarone, do humans know how to die?”

“We’re slow learners. I’ll figure it out one of these days.”

She smiled. “Take your time. Shall we, Sister?”

They did a ritual. It was alright.

Luna led the way to wherever we were going next. Celestia and I walked side by side. “So Navarone, what exactly happened?”

“Twilight gave me something called strychnine for my tea. She tried to give me a nerve agent next. Taya wasn’t hurt, was she?”

“No, she is fine. Understandably upset, but fine. Your friends—and Chrysalis—have been worried about you.”

“Chrysalis is one of my friends. You wouldn’t happen to know where all of my clothes have gone, would you?”

“I’m afraid not. I don’t micromanage my subjects down to the clothing they wear. I know there was one fine set of clothes laid out for you in your hospital room, though. Oh, and one ratty, moth-eaten set; I don’t know who had that nasty thing put there for you.”

“I see. Why was my blood amber?”

“That would be your liquefied organs,” Luna merrily answered.

Celestia darted a small glare at her sister, who hadn’t looked back anyway. Her gazed softened when it turned to me. “That is one belief. The other is that you are reacting further with the spell we cast upon you and turning more tree-like. We didn’t really know how to te—”

She cut off at the sound of my dagger drawing. I drew another slice across my hand. After a moment, reddish-amber blood leaked up.

“So why did the mutation occur so quickly?” I asked. “Just a few hours before that, I had been bleeding red blood, and it was just fine.”

Celestia grimaced and healed my hand. “We think it is because your body had to. If it hadn’t done that, you would have died. Slow moving blood is probably one of the things that saved you. Innate magic like this always seeks to benefit the pony that it resides inside, unless it was specifically made as a curse. By all rights, Nav, you should be dead.”

“I’ve heard that before. More and more, it seems. How long before everyone starts waking up? I have things to attend to.”

“Navarone, please. You don’t need to continue your actions with Chrysalis. From her behavior thus far, I know her mettle. I saw your first day with her, remember?”

“Yeah, but I like watching her squirm, and bringing Pinkie to her is a great way to do that.”

“And you call me sadistic. I will not forbid you from talking to her, but remember that it is her fault that all of this occurred.”

“Meh. Do you happen to know what Spike is doing today?”

“I believe he has a party planned. Other than that, I do not know.” Awesome, I woke up in time for the party.

“So, any idea where I’m going to be living from now on? Or do I need to find a place myself?”

“You are still living with Twilight, last I heard,” Celestia said.

“That crazy cunt just tried to deep six my ass.”

“I didn’t understand half of the words Nav just said, but she tried to kill him!” Luna said.

“No, she was trying to test something. It was my fault you almost died, Nav. I was the one that told Twilight how you survived being poisoned and I was the one that allowed her to keep the hate poison you spit up.”

“I’m not even going to bother going into everything wrong with that statement because we both know it’s bullshit. As long as she isn’t going to go that crazy again, I can continue living with her.” Though I will definitely start looking for houses for sale.

“Good. I was hoping you would be reasonable about it.”

“Oh, and thank you both for saving me. I’m really starting to wish I didn’t end up in so many positions wherein I needed saving.”

“It’s a good thing you’re going to be one of our knights, soon,” Luna said. “Then we’ll have a reason to keep saving you!”

“Yeah. Right. Celestia, the next time you see Twilight, tell her that I will never under any circumstances talk about what happened and that trying to make me do it increases the chances of her horn getting mounted on my wall. I am going to do my best to pretend it never happened because if I don’t, I’ll probably fly off the handle.”

“You humans have some really strange phrases,” Celestia commented offhand.

“Are you going to tell her?” I asked.

“Navarone, you two really should talk about what’s bothering you both.”

“What’s bothering me is that she just tried to kill me. I don’t know what got her panties in a twist.”

“Really, really strange phrases…”

“Are you going to tell her or not? If you won’t, I’ll get someone else to do it.”

She sighed. “I will. After breakfast.” Thankfully, we were at the door.

“I’ll see you both later. I believe I have things to take care of and a daughter to find.”

Luna said, “I can tell you where to find Taya.” I looked at her. “If you eat with us.”

“Very well. I haven’t eaten in some time.” I let them in first, what with them being princesses and all. They sat at opposite ends of the table. There wasn’t a chair in the center, but rather two on either side leading up to both ends.

So that’s how it’s gonna be. I smiled, pulled half of the chairs out of one side and pulled the other chair to the center of the table, so I was directly between the two.

“It’s just a spot at the table, Nav,” Luna said with a smirk.

“Right. And I’m a fluffy pony.”

“Well, your face is looking a bit fluffy,” Celestia mused. “But if you’re a pony, I need to get my eyes checked.”

I looked to her plate. “You really like cake, don’t you?”

“There’s a reason she’s so much bigger than everypony else, Nav,” Luna slyly commented.

“Are you calling me fat?” Celestia demanded.

“I know where this is going,” I said. “Cool it.”

Neither of them listened. “I wouldn’t say fat.” Celestia nodded once. “Corpulent might fit, though.”

Celestia glared down the table. I calmly reached out and grabbed something. She followed my arm to me and grinned. “Navarone. You don’t think I’m fat, do you?”

I looked Celestia up and down. “I think that this is childish.” She pouted. “Celestia, you’re… x-thousand years old. If you are getting your feelings hurt by being called fat, there’s a problem.”

“He didn’t say no,” Luna whispered.

I bit into the banana I had grabbed with a sigh. Silence reigned at the table for a moment.

“So did you really steal ‘Tia’s crown?” Luna asked with a grin.

“Yep. I can only imagine the look on her face when the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into the throne room with it.”

Celestia let off a loud humph and looked to Luna. “You wouldn’t think it so amusing if it had been your crown he stole.”

Luna stuck her tongue out. “He likes me too much to take it.”

Celestia grinned. “Or he’s too afraid. I think he just trusts me enough to know I wouldn’t hurt him for it.”

I grabbed something else from the table. I think I was the only one actually eating.

“You know I would never hurt you Nav, right?” Luna sweetly asked.

I bit into a roll. I looked at her and eyed her crown as I chewed. When I swallowed, I said, “I know what you two are doing and it won’t work.”

As I finished off the roll, Celestia whispered, “He didn’t say yes.”

Silence ruled the table as I grabbed something else. The other two actually started eating. After a few minutes, Celestia said, “So. Navarone.” She stopped.

Luna picked up, “Have you given any thought as to which of us you are going to swear to yet?”

I looked at Luna for a moment. I shifted my gaze to Celestia for just as long. I pushed myself back from the table. “I have eaten with you. Where is Taya?” I knew they were both just fucking with me, but it was getting old.

Celestia looked up from her cup. “Hm? Oh, yes. She asked to stay with Chrysalis until you were better.”

“And you denied her offhand, right?”

“Do I look like I have hands?”

“Wow. This is the first time I have honestly, seriously considered murdering you. I’ve said I was going to do it before, but holy shit.”

Luna said, “Nav, Chrysalis isn’t going to hurt anypony you like. You are probably the only pony here she respects. Taya requested to stay with her, so we allowed it.”

“Taya is a lot smarter than anyone gives her credit for,” I said. “Twilight thinks she knows how smart she is, but even I don’t know how deep her mind goes. I trust her, really I do, but… wow. Still, I applaud her decision. A lot.”

“And why is that, Navarone?” Celestia calmly asked.

“Because it insults everyone here,” I answered, smiling. “Of every one of the people I know here, she chose to stay with the fucking evil bug thing that just tried to kill everyone. She trusts the one everyone should trust the least and snubbed the hell out of everyone else in doing it. That’s something I would have thought to do.”

“So you are saying she’s learning from you,” Celestia happily asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose she is.” I thought back to when we were on the boat together, right after we got attacked by pirates. I remembered her devious suggestion to use herself as a shield against the unicorns. I don’t think she learned that much from me that quickly. I think her mind is just fucked up.

I liked it.

“I’ll be off, then,” I said with a nod to the two of them.

“You never answered my question, Nav,” Luna sweetly said.

I was already headed to the door. “You’re right, I didn’t,” I said as I opened it and left. I went straight to Chrysalis’s room.

Doppel answered at the first knock and let me in as soon as she saw me. I entered and sat across from Chrysalis, noting Taya napping on the other couch.

I crossed my fingers in front of me. “Are you still interested in taking over Equestria?” I asked.

Chrysalis looked at me. I wasn’t smiling or frowning. I don’t know what my face looked like, but it probably wasn’t pleasant.

“No,” she finally answered. “I believe I am content.”

“Can you be convinced otherwise? I believe Equestria might need a change of management, and I am not fit to rule.”

“And I am not fit to rule ponies. I have learned much in the time since we last spoke. No, Navarone. I will not help you stage a coup.”

“Disappointing.” Her eyes widened momentarily. I think she thought I had been joking. “I trust Taya has not been a problem.”

“She is quiet. And she has had several visitors, all of whom she sent away without a word. I have had considerably fewer come by to see me. Whatever was done to Twilight Sparkle was not enough, I believe; you were on death’s doorstep when Celestia and Luna conceded to allow me to aid you.”

“I have been assured that she has been—or is being, I am not certain which—punished. She has had bouts with crazy in the past. I do not wish to discuss this any longer. Have you found Pinkie Pie, or does she continue to elude you?”

“I have not. I also have not looked, but I have let word get out that I would like to speak to her.”

“Then allow me to try something. Don’t freak out if this works.” I waited for her nod. “Pinkie, you can come out now.”

Pinkie stuck her head out of my shirt. “Aw Nav, how’d you know I was in here?”

I.

Don’t.

Even.

Know.

The rest of her popped out of my shirt. Chrysalis actually gaped.

“Wow, you’re really warm in there! No wonder you wear those clothes!” She giggled and then turned her gaze upon Chrysalis. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

Chrysalis was still trying to work this out in her mind. I leaned out of my seat and gently pushed her mouth closed. She shook her head, sending her mossy hair everywhere. “Hello, Pinkamena,” she finally said. “I am Queen Chrysalis.”

Pinkie suddenly had Chrysalis’s hoof and was shaking it very vigorously. “You can just call me Pinkie!” She suddenly gasped very loudly. “Oh oh, can I call you Chrissy?”

Chrysalis jerked her hoof back. “No, you may not.”

“Pinkie, take a chill pill. You’re dealing with someone as highly ranked as Celestia or Luna.”

“They make pills that make you colder?” she asked me, somehow sounding even more excited. She seemed to deflate a bit as she said, “Or did you just mean ice?” She inflated again. “Because chill pill is a much cooler sounding name for ice! I think I’ll start calling it that!”

“Can I talk to the sane Pinkie now? Is she in there today?”

“Nope, just me!” She turned back to Chrysalis. “So do you whistle when you fly? I bet those holes help you go really fast!”

Chrysalis looked like she was in physical pain at the moment. “You are worse than Navarone when I started messing with his mind.”

“I didn’t take your crown, though. What is that made of, anyway? It looks really neat!” Before Chrysalis could answer, though, Pinkie was gushing over her wings. “Oh, they’re so cool! Can I touch them?”

Chrysalis enveloped Pinkie in a green aura and pushed her back several feet. “I would be grateful if you stayed over there,” she said. “I am not used to being touched.”

“Oh, so you’re like Nav. He never got over that either!”

“I swear I’m going to fucking kill Twilight,” I said.

“Oh, relax! She didn’t tell me, I read it from your journals! I got bored after I finished planning the party and I was just wandering around the palace when I came across some interesting looking papers. I didn’t know what they were so I just started reading!”

“I left them in Celestia’s private room! What the hell were you doing in there?”

“Oh, you know.” She turned back to Chrysalis. “You guys can change into anything, right? Can you do me?”

Chrysalis closed her eyes and I swear I heard her counting to ten. “Doppel, come here,” she said when she opened her eyes again. Doppel hesitantly stepped forward. “Turn into Pinkamena.”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

Doppel and Chrysalis looked at her for a moment. Chrysalis turned to Doppel. “Turn into Pinkamena.”

“You can call me—Ooh!” Doppel turned into Pinkie, but with a darker shade of pink and straight hair.

I looked from Pinkie to Doppel and back. “Pinkie, you should totally straighten your hair. I know it’s just a personal opinion, but you look better that way.”

“I’ll think about it,” she answered. “You can do Pinkamena, but can you do Pinkie?”

Doppel looked to Chrysalis and shrugged. Suddenly, her hair poofed and she grew a few shades brighter.

Pinkie giggled for a moment before saying, “Eh, I’ve seen better. Can you do anypony else?”

Chrysalis scowled. “Pinkamena, we are changelings. We can turn into any animals.”

“You can call me Pinkie!” Chrysalis looked at her. Pinkie was wearing a massive smile. “Can you turn into a—Ooh, can you do a dragon?”

Doppel turned into Kumani.

“What about a human?” Doppel turned into me. “What about… a female human?”

Doppel looked at me. I scratched at my beard and leaned back a bit. “If you really want, I can give you a memory. But if I ever see that form outside of this moment, I’ll kill you in the most painful way I can possibly imagine.”

“I can take that deal,” she said, walking over to me in my own body. She held out my hand and I grasped it. I thought back and back… I haven’t seen you in too long. Doppel shifted and I felt the hand in mine grow lighter, softer. Doppel sighed happily. “Tasty.” I looked at her and saw the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen standing there.

I won’t describe how I felt.

“You look different from Twilight when she was a human,” Pinkie mused, holding a hoof to her face.

“Lilith was not—” I stopped when I realized how dark my voice sounded. “Continue.” I’m glad I couldn’t hear my own voice, but I know Chrysalis looked pained to have heard it and Pinkie looked like I slapped her. I was trying not to look at Doppel, and I was very happy Taya was still asleep.

“Um… What about… a clown?” Pinkie was trying but it was obvious she wasn’t into it anymore. Doppel shifted into a clown pony.

“Navarone, are you okay?” Chrysalis asked, some concern actually showing in her voice.

“That memory… That event. Never discuss it. Some things should never be remembered. I will leave it at that.”

They all nodded, surprisingly; I wouldn’t be surprised to see Pinkie bothering me about it later, but I think even she has some manner of impulse controls when it comes to that.

“Now, continue,” I said, nodding to Pinkie.

Her smile and normal attitude reappeared as she turned to Chrysalis. “So when can I throw you a party?”

“When Tartarus freezes over,” she answered.

Pinkie got a calculating look on her face. “I’m going to need a bunch of chill pills… Can we push it to tomorrow instead? I know everypony is busy with the wedding and all, but tomorrow should give most of them time to be there and still make the wedding with no trouble!”

Chrysalis sighed. “This is inevitable, isn’t it?” she asked me.

“Yeah, sadly. I was able to get out of a welcoming party, but it took more time than I would ever care to admit to manage it, and I don’t even want to go over the reasoning behind it.”

“You lied and told me you were allergic to parties and didn’t tell me you were lying until everypony already knew you!”

“Yeah, but do you remember how long it took to convince you the allergy I had was actually deathly?” I looked at Chrysalis. “She wanted me to push through the allergy attack to have the party.”

“And they called me barbaric,” Chrysalis answered. “I suppose I would be wasting my time telling you that I am allergic to parties?”

“You were at the wedding,” Pinkie said. “That’s kinda like a party.”

I looked Pinkie dead in the eyes. “Pinkie, how do you think Chrysalis started looking like that?” I said, waving my hands to her body. “I mean, holes in her hooves and wings? Do you really think that’s healthy? Did she look like that before the wedding?”

“Well, now that you mention it… She did look a lot different before the wedding. And then there was that big green explosion.” Pinkie gasped again. “Was that you sneezing? That’s so cool!” She reached over and somehow plucked one of my feathers and tickled Chrysalis under the nose.

Chrysalis didn’t move or react at all, just stared at Pinkie. After a moment of that, she turned to me. “When should I tell her that I can turn feeling on and off in my carapace?”

“Give her a few more minutes. She looks so happy.”

Chrysalis turned back and looked at Pinkie disdainfully. After a moment, Pinkie pulled the feather back and gave it a funny look. She rubbed it under her nose and gave a massive sneeze that woke Taya up.

She sat up, bleary-eyed, and smiled when she saw me. Then she looked around the room really quickly and saw both Chrysalis and Doppel and smiled even wider and cleared the entire carpet between her couch and my chair and landed on my lap.

“Oh, there you are Taya!” Pinkie said, watching her. “Wow, you even sleep silently!”

“Well, someone has to, the way my dad snores,” she answered, making herself comfortable.

“Nav doesn’t snore,” Pinkie said with some confusion.

“How would you know that?” Chrysalis asked.

“Oh, I watch him sleep sometimes.” Chrysalis and Doppel both blinked at that. “Anyway, your party! There isn’t that much we can do in this room, but since you can go wherever you want now, we could have it anywhere!”

“Wait, you watch him sleep?” Doppel asked.

“Only sometimes. Princess Celestia doesn’t like it when I host parties in the throne room anymore, so it shouldn’t be there. The dining hall is usually free, so we can do it there! I still have my party cannon, so it shouldn’t take me long to set up.”

“Pinkamena—”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

“I don’t believe it is healthy to watch ponies sleep.”

“Yeah, well, Nav isn’t a pony. At least, not anymore. Now, about the party—”

Doppel asked, “When was he a pony?”

“Oh, it was only for a week or so. It was a lot of fun! Here, let me show you!” Pinkie grabbed Doppel with both of her front hooves and brought their heads together.

“I think that might be a bad idea,” I tried saying. I was, of course, ignored.

After a moment, Doppel turned into me as a stallion. “That tasted… odd,” she commented in my voice.

Chrysalis looked pony-me over with a smile. “I must say, I approve. What brought this turn of events about?” she asked me.

“Magic events most foul,” I answered.

“There weren’t any birds involved,” Pinkie said, confused again. Scootaloo did feature, though. “Well, you did get wings, but I don’t remember there being any birds in the story!”

We looked at her for a moment after her outburst. Then we turned back to look at each other and I gave a truncated version of how I ended up a pony. “The happiness I gave you a few days ago was actually from my second time as a pony, at the Gala,” I said. “I had way too much fun that night…”

“And it is possible for you to assume that shape again?” Chrysalis asked.

“Yeah, but you would have to know the spell. Apparently it’s hard to cast; Twilight can do it, though, so I’m sure you can as well if you knew it.”

“I did not know such magic was possible for ponies,” she said.

“Luna had to do a lot of research to figure out how to reverse it,” I said. “And they couldn’t—or wouldn’t—get rid of the wings. And it takes a lot of magic. Twilight can’t turn herself into a human because of her cutie mark; the only reason I can turn back and forth is because I don’t have one. The entire process is incredibly disorienting. I can’t imagine the amount of time it takes you guys to learn how to get over that.”

“It comes naturally for us,” Chrysalis asked. “And we are always changelings on the inside; if you cut us when we are a pony, we will bleed green instead of red. That spell is different; it actually changes what you are rather than what you look like.”

Pinkie sighed. “I wouldn’t mind being a human for a day…”

“Pinkie, it would really suck. I’ve been over that with you.”

“I know, but you should always try everything at least once in life!”

I muttered, “Then go get cancer.” She didn’t hear me, which was probably good. Louder, I said, “So your party is tomorrow in the dining hall. I assume Pinkie means the larger one, not any of the private ones.” She got a pensive look on her face but I rushed through before she could say anything, “A time must be picked and invitations must be sent. I’m sure you can manage all of that, Pinkie.”

“Already done!” she said with a smile.

“Oh, so I’m not invited?” I asked.

“Duh, check your pocket!”

I checked my pocket and nothing was there.

“Your other pocket, Nav.”

I checked that one and pulled out an envelope. “Pinkie, this wasn’t here when I sat down.”

“I was in your clothes for a while, Nav. It was a lot of fun!”

It was my turn to close my eyes and count to ten. When I finished, I opened the thing. When I opened the actual card, confetti blasted out and hit me in the face. That was relatively normal for a Pinkie invite, though, so it didn’t faze me.

When I finished reading it, I passed it to Chrysalis with an “I’m so sorry.”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at the invitation. When she read it, she looked back up to me. “I saved your life and this is how you repay me? You better make it up to me during the reception.”

“I’ve already promised you that we’re going to have fun then. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Pinkie said, “Oooh! You two have plans?”

“Just two old souls, drowning our sorrows and regrets together,” I answered her. “I know I’m sure as hell not going to that reception.”

“And despite having forgiven me, Cadance requested that I not attend the wedding or the reception,” Chrysalis added.

“So we decided to enjoy each other’s company,” I finished with a shrug.

“So you two are going on a date?” Pinkie asked, somewhat confused. “I thought you had a thing going with Princess Luna!”

“Pinkie, what have I told you about thinking? And no, it isn’t so much a date as it is a meeting between the loneliest two souls on the planet. What we decide to do there…” I shrugged.

“You’re not lonely, silly-filly!”

“I’m not silly.”

“You have me and Taya!”

“And I’m not a girl, so filly doesn’t apply.”

“And all of the rest of our friends!”

“And I’m pretty sure I’m… How old are you, anyway?”

“And all of the rest of Equestria likes you too! I mean, they’ll have to, if you’re going to be a knight!”

“God, I should have hung out with you more when I was crazy. Maybe then Twilight wouldn’t have tried to murder me.”

“Who’s God?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll tell you later. Maybe. Now, party details. Or party planning, if you’ve already discussed everything with Chrysalis. I’m sure she needs time to prepare, after all.”

Pinkie turned to Chrysalis. “You don’t need to prepare. You can just come as you are! Everypony’s gonna be there to see you, after all!”

Chrysalis did not look overly amused. “This will be my… first party, I suppose. I will nee—Why are you looking at me like that?”

Pinkie looked like she was about to have a joygasm. “YOUR FIRST PARTY!” she finally managed to squeal in delight. “I’ll make it super-extra-special!” She gasped. “I need to go do some more planning!” She dashed out the door, leaving the side-opening thing spinning on a center-axis that it didn’t physically have.

I turned to Chrysalis and saw her watching the door do what shouldn’t be possible. “Don’t ask,” I said. “No one knows how she does it and braver men than me have given up trying to understand.” Well, braver ponies. I did have a theory, but I kept it to myself because I was afraid of what might happen if I voiced it.

“Why is she not in a psych ward?” Chrysalis finally asked. “I could see into her mind. She is only half there. The other half is… empty. Emptier than even your mind.”

“Because a strait jacket won’t hold her and trying to keep her in one place makes her angry. That’s why we humor her. As far as I know, she isn’t actually dangerous, but then it’s also really hard to make her angry.”

She looked at the invitation again. “I suppose not attending the party might manage that?”

“Pinkie parties are not optional,” I answered. “Bad things happen to those that do not attend parties that are being held for them.”

“I see. I have done painful things in the past, but I never came to enjoy it. I suppose this shall be another thing to add to my list.” She flew the invitation to a desk or something next to the wall. “I know you just woke up, but I don’t suppose you have a busy day planned?”

“I do have some things I need to take care of, and I have a bachelor party I need to mediate—I’m giving them some of my reserves of alcohol and I need to make sure no one gets hurt. I don’t know the time of the bachelor party yet, so I’ll need to go before too long to make sure Spike didn’t do something stupid like plan it in the morning. As far as I know I should be free most of tomorrow and most of the wedding day, but then no one ever tells me a damn thing until it’s time for me to do it. If they can’t find me they can’t tell me I’m needed, though.”

“You have a practical mind. It is good to have you back among the ranks of the sane,” Chrysalis said. “Although I do admit, it was interesting having you in that state. It is a shame I was unable to see Celestia without her crown. And when you called her bald… I wish I had seen the look on her face.”

“It was certainly unique,” I said with a grin. “But I am glad to be back. It is amazing what being betrayed by another of your friends does to the mind. Though since this is her second betrayal, I suppose it didn’t hurt as much. There was that one time she left me alone against hundreds of dragons.”

“How many times have these ponies done this to you?”

“Oh, five or so. Twilight with the dragons, Twilight with the poison, Rarity and Pinkie with… what they did, Rainbow Dash and Luna with the dingonek, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash—and now Pinkie—for reading my journals. Only three of those actually physically injured me, though. I’m done trusting these damn ponies. I’ll work with them because I have no choice, but they’ll be hard-pressed to make me like it.”

“You know… you could come with me, when this is all over and I am freed.”

“I am too useful for Celestia to let me leave. Until I find a way to nullify magic, they can track me if I try to run. I am stuck.”

“I… see. Before you depart, would you mind if I fed? I have not found any willing partners in the time you were away.”

“Take want you want,” I said.

She stood and gracefully walked to me. “I can take what I want? Anything I want?”

“If my brain is stratified into times, stay within two years. If it isn’t, take only that which has ponies in it, no humans. I was a fool for remembering…”

Her horn glowed green and she bent down to me. I felt something leave my mind, but I don’t know what. “Memories are usually so stale,” she said with a sigh. “But yours seem to have a certain… bite… to them.”

“That’s because I never forgive and I never forget,” I said as I stood, letting Taya down easily. “All the pain and all the sorrow builds and builds and stays constantly fresh. We shall speak later, at the party if not before. Come, Taya.”

We left a very confused Chrysalis behind us.

As we walked down the hall to try to find a small dragon, Taya said, “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“No. I think what you did was brilliant, even if you didn’t do it for the reasons I think it’s so awesome.”

“I told them all you wouldn’t be mad. Apparently when Rarity heard, she nearly fainted. All of them but Pinkie and Twilight came by to try to convince me to go with them.”

“I’m not going to say what you did was the right thing, but it was probably the best thing. I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“You are going to turn into a kickass mare when you get older, Taya. I almost feel bad for your mate, if you ever find one.”

She smiled but didn’t answer.

“So, if you were a dragon, where would you be?”

“A cave full of treasure.”

“If you were a brainwashed, ponified, baby dragon that was tied to the apron strings of a damnable unicorn, where would you be?”

“Wherever the damnable unicorn told me to be.”

“That’s a bad word. Don’t use it when important people are around.”

“What about unimportant people?”

“Well, who the fuck cares what they think? The only reason you need to be careful around Celestia is because she has the power to make me suffer. I’d kick the ass of just about anyone else that gets mad at me for being a bad influence.” Especially since I already said I would be a bad parent.

“I’ll remember that.”

“Just don’t go lying to me about someone you don’t like saying anything like that. I have a pretty good bullshit detector.”

“I’m pregnant.” She said it so matter-of-factly that I actually stopped mid-step and stumbled a bit.

“Who’s the son of a bitch?! I’ll kill him!” I gripped my dagger. “Wait, that’s not possible. You’re too yo—Wait. How old are you, anyway?” Why don’t I know anyone’s ages here?

“You know I was lying, right?”

“Well, duh. I don’t think you even know any colts. Or stallions. Whatever they’re being called these days. I’ve just always wanted to be an angry dad ranting about some dick that stole his daughter’s innocence. Since I’ve already corrupted your mind, I’ll have to settle for being an angry dad forcing a guy into a shotgun wedding because he got you preggers.”

“I’ll remember that too.”

“Just don’t go evil with it. These ponies are too useful to start killing them offhand.”

“You don’t seem to be selling that idea to Chrysalis very well.”

“Well yeah. I need her to trust me. The more foreign leaders I have on my side, the more places I have to go when I inevitably push Celestia too far.”

“As long as you take me with you.”

“Of course.” I wouldn’t want her to be used against me, after all. “Now, we really do need to find Spike.”

“To the library?”

“Of course.” And hope to high heaven that Twilight wasn’t there.

We found Spike surrounded by a fuckload of books, drooling slightly on one that was open under his sleeping form.

“Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed when he sees that.” Spike jerked but didn’t wake up. I poked him a few times. He swatted at me. I leaned down and whispered, “Rarity’s here,” into his ear.

He jumped up and I quickly leaned back, looking over his books. “Where is she?” he exclaimed, looking around wildly and wiping his face.

“Where’s who?” I asked, looking at him. “Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed at this mess.”

“He can bring it up with you. I’m here because you asked me to be, after all. And because Twilight has been… Never mind.” He looked down at the book he had been sleeping on and grimaced in distaste before shrugging and slamming it closed. “None of these books have been looked at in forever anyway. There’s a lot of strange stuff out there, Nav. I mean, I found out that there are actually three orders of knights, even though everypony only ever remembers one. Or two, now that Luna is back.”

“Three orders, you say?” Now that stroked my interest.

“Yeah. Solar, Lunar, and Umbral. The Solar knights swear to Celestia and the Lunar swear to Luna, but the Umbral knights swear to do whatever is best for Equestria at whatever the cost. There haven’t been many of them in the past, of course. They typically work in the shadows and manipulate events from afar, but there have been a few exceptions. Oh man, now I’m sounding like an egghead! What time is it? The bachelor party will get my mind on straight!”

“Eh, it’s around noon or so. What more can you tell me about the Umbral knights?”

“They don’t have to take orders from either Princess, and can actually countermand their orders if they think it is for the best. Which is, of course, another reason why there have been so few of them. However, while a Solar or Lunar knight can be any species, Umbral knights have to be ponies.” He shrugged. “There’s a lot of history involved with all of that.” Fuck. That’s racist.

“So how can I go about getting unknighted?”

“Oh, that’s almost impossible. You have to do something incredibly inappropriate like murder or something.”

“What about breaking my armor? I’ve heard that would work.”

He giggled. “I went against your requests and looked up a few stories about knights. Breaking your armor only works in stories.” Dammit, Rarity. “So have you decided which kind of knight you want to be yet?”

“Fuck it, I’m siding with Luna. You find anything else interesting?”

“All kinds of things. Most of it was… really boring. But apparently any prince or princess can form their own knight order. If you really don’t want to be a Solar or Lunar knight, you could probably ask Cadance if she would have you.”

“And become a love knight? Fuck no. I don’t suppose there’s any other royal blood running around this castle? I had never heard of Cadance until a week ago, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was.”

He shrugged. “They appear and disappear randomly.” SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

“If you want to go tell Rarity that I’m going Lunar, I’ll put these books up.”

He jumped all over that opportunity, of course. I put all the books up—thankfully, this library had been reorganized since I got into this world to the Dewey Decimal system. It didn’t take that long to get them all away.

Still, that’s really disappointing. I was hoping for a deus ex machina or something to avoid having to commit to either side. I always strive for equality, though, and I know Luna is currently on a much lower footing than her sister. Me signing up with her will bring her closer to Celestia. And it’ll force her to attend the wedding. I guess I could just murder someone or something to get unknighted.

With the books put away, Taya and I went down to the kitchens. She needed food and I wanted to grab one of the booze barrels to drop it off in my room.

“Living in the palace is awesome,” I said as I carried a barrel full of booze back to my room.

“Why do you say that?” Taya asked.

“All the food we could want, we have our run of the library, I don’t have to do my own laundry, the shower goes hotter, and I don’t have to put up with a shitload of ponies every time I turn around.” Oh, there are plenty of ponies in the palace, but I didn’t have to talk to any of them.

“Then why don’t we live here?”

“Because the rest of this city fucking sucks. Nowadays, most of the ponies in Ponyville are either really friendly or passive about my existence. Here in Canterlot, they’re mostly snooty, those that aren’t afraid. No one says anything to my face, but I hear whispers and I can see the glances.” Snooty fuckers.

When we got to my room, I caught a princess rooting through my stuff. I whispered to Taya, “Wait here.” I set the barrel down in the hall as silently as I could. I snuck up behind Celestia, who was currently rooting under my bed with her flank in the air. I grabbed her on both sides where her cutie marks were and gently tugged her back into me. “Can I help you, Celestia?” I asked. She jerked her head up from under my bed and turned to me with a red face.

“I’m just… looking for laundry?”

“I thought you didn’t micromanage the clothing of those under you.”

She smiled at that, some of the redness going away. “You know the only way I like you under me is when we’re not worrying about clothes.” I think her blush transferred to my face.

“Uh huh. Well, if you’re really looking for clothes…” I walked over to the drawer with all of her livery in it. “I have a bunch I think I will no longer need.” I pulled the drawer out and held it up for her.

She nodded. “Good. You are the first proper knight my little sister will have raised in… over two thousand years, I think. She would have been crushed if you chose me.”

“I’m not stupid, Celestia. Even if I did have a bout with crazy. That’s not to say I’m particularly smart—” I did, after all, drink all of the poisoned tea. “—but I know that I’m going to be living a while and I know I can, given the chance, love Luna.”

“And yet here you are seducing a queen. And telling all manner of lies to her as well.”

I shrugged. “Old habits die hard. You really need to plan an orgy for the four of us, though I think you’d be hard pressed to convince the other two to join.” For some reason, she blushed at that. I slid the drawer back in the chest because I was tired of holding it.

“Oh, are you reconsidering?”

“No, I’m just tired of holding it. Not all of us are graced with such squishy bottoms that act as convenient tables.”

“You didn’t seem to mind it.”

“Hey, I’m a human; I like squishy. Of course, well-toned also has… advantages.” I am so glad I left Taya in the hall.

“Hmm. I’m going to have to find a way to get Luna to share you. Your silver tongue is just so… delightful.”

“Humans view sex differently than some. I have no trouble differentiating the physical from the emotional. As long as I don’t have to worry about knocking anyone up, I’m good to go.”

“That should never be a problem, with magic on our side.”

“I’ll leave the convincing up to you. It never goes well if a guy tries to do it. Or you could just casually mention one day that you know how humans view sex; that way she won’t think oddly if I end up sexing half the castle.”

“You do tend to go through the mares, don’t you?”

“Hey, a guy’s gotta have fun while he can. And since I’m pretty sure Luna is still in love with me, when the seven years ends I’ll probably end up shackled to her, unless she agrees on an open relationship of sorts.”

“Open means that she is free as well, you know.”

“I’m okay with that, as long as she doesn’t get knocked up or diseased. I don’t think I’m biologically compatible with any diseases here, though, so it wouldn’t matter overly much if she did.”

“You know, I’ve got a bit of time…”

“Taya’s in the hall.” She sighed. “That’s your fault, not mine. I’m sure we can find some time to continue this, if you’re really interested. Though when you have as many guards as you do, I can’t imagine you really need someone like me for stuff like this.”

“Navarone, you know the reasoning behind that. Now sadly, if we aren’t going to be having a bit of fun, I need to depart. No pony seems to know how to do anything themselves anymore.”

“You’d go crazy without doing princess things all day. If you really get bored of it, just turn into a chair again. I’ll make sure to find you every day and oil you.”

“I might just do that. Until later, Nav.” She left, thankfully leaving my regular clothes behind. Taya trotted in, carrying the barrel with magic.

“If you could have done that, why was I toting that thing all the way here?”

“You didn’t ask me to carry it.”

Thankfully it wasn’t a heavy barrel. “Whatevs. Well, you got anything planned today?” She shook her head. “Any ideas on what you want to do?” Another head shake. “Well, if you’re interested, we could head to the library. I have some writing I could be doing and you have some magic stuff you could be doing.” She shrugged. “I know it’s boring, but at least you won’t have Twilight breathing down your neck. Hopefully. If she is there, though, I’m just gonna keep walking.”

“You really are a coward, aren’t you?”

“There’s a difference in being smart and being a coward. Twilight just recently tried to kill me, and I have yet to see any indication that she is in any manner of mood to not try to kill me again. Given that, I am forced to assume that she is going to try to kill me again the next time I see her.”

I really need to learn to leave my door shut when I say shit like that. In walked Twilight Sparkle.

“Taya, activate cuteness!” I ran for the window before it slammed shut with an orange aura. I didn’t stop and had already started jumping when an orange aura surrounded me. “You traitor!”

“How did you know it was me?” Taya asked, not dropping me.

“Duh, the aura is orange. If Twilight was doing it, the thing would be purple. Now let me go so I can continue running away!” I paused a beat. “I mean, strategically retreating.”

“Navarone, unicorns don’t release auras when doing magic,” Twilight said. "What are you talking about?”

“The only reason I’m still alive right now is because you want that question answered. I will hold onto the answer for dear life.”

“Fine. It can wait. I believe we need to have a talk.”

“I respect your opinion and I believe I understand why you hold it, but I disagree and am forced to ask you to cease.”

“Then it sure is a shame your daughter is currently on my side.”

“Why, Taya?”

“Because this is funny,” she answered. Sadistic, ungrateful little…

“Nav… I really don’t know what came over me. I was so mad at you and at the princess for what you both did to me… I tried studying something—anything—to get my mind off my anger. I remembered the poison in your room and I came to get it. When I saw the state of your… bed… my anger exploded. I was so mad that I couldn’t even concentrate on studying the poison! I couldn’t figure anything out about its composition, so I just tried… a little taste. A small drop. I don’t remember much after, until I woke up in a cell. No pony even told me what I did… No pony even knew. They just told me… that I almost killed you.” She was breaking up, now.

I hate dealing with tears.

“Twilight, have you ever heard of strychnine? Or perhaps sarin?” Oh, now she was really crying. “They don’t go well in tea. Or human bodies, as it turns out. Taya, let me go.” I gently fell to my feet. “Come, Twilight. You have physical changes to document. Apparently most of my organs were replaced with magic, and I have new blood now.” Oh great, I made it worse somehow. Now I have a crying super-powerful unicorn on my floor that just tried to kill me.

What would Batman do?

…I got nothing.

You know, I feel like I’ve been here before. My eyes drifted to the barrel. If it takes that full thing to get me and Chrysalis blasted, there’s a problem. Twilight should be a lightweight. “Taya, I need a flagon. Can you—” A cup floated next to me. “Thank you.” I used my knife to pop the top off the barrel and dipped the glass in there. I walked over to Twilight. “Here, Twilight. Drink a bit of this. It’ll help calm you down a bit.”

I had to kneel down and lift her head up to get her attention. When she saw the cup in my hands, she opened her mouth a bit. I took that as a sign and gave her a small sip. That turned into a large gulp when a bit of magic grabbed the glass. Before long, it was empty.

Then she just sank down to the floor, letting the cup fall.

“Alright. We all know what you did was fucked up, so I’m not going to mention that. We all know what I did that day was also fucked up. We all know what Celestia did was fucked up. You and I were not in our right minds at the time of our fucked-upedness. Celestia was, but we can’t do shit to her. I am willing and able to pretend this never happened if you are as well.” I stood and replaced the top of the barrel. “Think about it. As much as it pains me to say, we’ve become friends. I don’t want that ruined. Besides, Celestia apparently already punished you. As long as you don’t do this shit again, it’s over. If you try to take me from my daughter again, I am mounting your horn on my wall as a trophy. Taya, help me get her into bed.” Taya actually did all the work, picking her up and dropping her in my bed with ease. “Think about it, Twilight. Stay here as long as you need. And stay the fuck away from the rest of my booze; I have plans for it.”

I stopped long enough to grab all the papers from my desk and Taya and I left a rather distraught Twilight on my bed.

“You could have handled that a lot better,” she said when we were most of the way down the hall.

“I didn’t see you stepping in to help. Besides, if I haven’t told you before, I’m kind of an idiot. And a bit of a sociopath. Now, I ain’t got shit to do until the bachelor party… whenever it is. Assuming I’m actually invited. I guess we’re going to the library.” We walked in silence for a bit. “Oh, and if you see a pink alicorn, warn me. And don’t trap me with magic against her; she wants to talk about icky stuff like love. There’s a decent chance you can use cuteness against her, but if you do distract her long enough for me to get away, you need to run as well; she’ll probably want to play filly games with you.”

“Noted.”

Thankfully, we didn’t run into her. We made it to the library just fine. We spent a few hours in there. I proofread and corrected the plays I had been writing and she did whatever she does with magic books. I tried to read a few of those in my first year, but it was all literally gibberish to me; I can’t understand a word of any of the unicorn magic books. Not for lack of trying, of course. I spent a few hours trying to translate them before I asked Spike what the fuck was wrong with those books. He couldn’t read them either. I still secretly think all the unicorns are faking and just print nonsense to screw with everyone else, but meh.

However, you can only do stuff like that for so long before needing to move about a bit. We were there for probably four hours before moving on. Just… walking through the palace, taking a break.

And that’s when we ran into Cadance. Taya and I were turning a corner and there she was on the other side. I don’t know who was more surprised, but I’ve been in more life-or-death situations than she has, so I reacted first.

“Taya, activate cuteness!”

Nothing.

“…Taya?” I looked behind me and she was running down the hall. “Man, she must really hate the idea of filly games.”

“Navarone, what are you doing?” Cadance asked.

I turned to her and shrugged. “Getting ready to run from another princess. You?”

“Hunting down humans and forcing them to listen to relationship advice. You know, the usual.”

“Nice, nice. Good luck with that.” I turned and bolted for the nearest window.

I didn’t make it.

Cadance dragged me over to her. “You know what you need, Nav?”

“More alcohol than is strictly healthy?”

“Nope. Try again.”

“A sexy dragoness all over my junk?”

“Ew. Try again.”

“Immunity to magic? That would have helped a lot two days ago when Twilight attempted to murder me. Again.”

“I guess the third try isn’t the charm after all. I think you need… a makeover!”

“Oh fuck no.”

“I don’t know… it might make you more pliable. And I know Rarity would be overjoyed to help!”

“No, Rarity is still repressing guilt from the last fucked up thing she did to me. I think she’ll be on my side.”

“Oh, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

“She would still be in prison if anyone knew.”

“…What.”

“Can you let me go? I haven’t met my quota for running away from unicorns yet today.”

“No really. What?”

“I’m not telling you anything, pink temptress! Release me!”

“But we still haven’t had our talk!”

“Nor do I desire to. How about you go and plan your wedding night or something?”

She blushed lightly. “That’s already been taken care of. And it’s none of your business!”

“Yeah, whatever. If you need any tips, let me know. I can teach you all about the joys of BDSM.”

“What… what does that stan—You know what, I don’t want to know. I want our first time to be… special.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that. Now how about you let me go?”

“Have you planned your wedding night with Luna yet? I could help you do that!”

I barked out a laugh. “Lady, it’s a bit too late to cross that road.” I loved causing that blush on her.

“There’s just no hope for you, is there?”

Before I could answer, I saw her eyes look behind me and widen. I would have turned to check, but I was kind of immobilized. I heard Chrysalis say, “Am I interrupting something? Perhaps a last minute lover’s tryst?”

Well, Chrysalis did a much better job at making Cadance blush than I did. I fell to the ground with a painful thud.

“We were just discussing—”

“You don’t have to hide your feelings, Cadance,” I said. “I’m sure Chrysalis understands; I mean, I am a pretty sexy beast.”

Chrysalis caught my game quickly. “Indeed. I’m sure we could arrange a quick ménage à trois.” She reached out a hoof to one of my wings and gently traced it. “I bet your Shining Armor wouldn’t notice. He might even appreciate a mare that’s a bit more… experienced.”

Cadance gulped and took a step back. “I uh… I have… princess things to do!” She bolted back the way she came.

We burst out laughing. Well, I burst out laughing and she chuckled a few times. I picked myself to my feet. “Thanks for the save there. Crazy cunt has been trying to trap me for a week. I think the only reason she stopped when we were in those damn caves is because there was no thrill of the hunt.”

“You are welcome, Navarone. And you need to thank Taya as well; she is the one that brought me here.”

“Well, she sure is doing a good job of hiding; I don’t see her.” I didn’t, either. Wait, there she was, trotting down the hall.

“I had to do a bit of speed walking to get here on time,” Chrysalis said with a shrug.

“A queen exerting herself on my behalf? I’m honored.” I hope the sarcasm wasn’t too much.

“I believe this is the second time I have saved your life—or at least, your sanity. You definitely owe me now.”

“Well given that you tried to kill me once, I think I only owe you for saving my sanity. And since you helped drive me insane there for a while, I think we might be about even.”

She grinned, giving me an interesting view of her sharp teeth. “Then find another situation in which I can save you, so you owe me.”

“I don’t know… it seems dangerous to go around owing royalty favors. I know it hasn’t done me any good here.”

“Are you comparing sweet and loving Queen Chrysalis to hateful and cruel Celestia?” she asked, pretending to sound hurt.

“Hateful and cruel who?” we heard Celestia’s voice say as she turned the corner that Cadance fled to.

“Cheese it?” I whispered to Taya. She nodded. I started to the window again before I was grabbed by three spells at once.

Celestia and Cadance had walked around the corner. Their horns were glowing. I noticed that Chrysalis’s was as well. Well, this just got interesting. Taya was gone.

“Ladies, please! There’s enough of me to go around.”

“Ugh!” Cadance groaned. “See, Auntie! I swear, he’s just totally depraved!” I noticed that her horn had stopped glowing.

Celestia looked at her for a moment before turning her gaze to me. “Navarone, do you know what I do to naughty colts?”

“I don’t know, but I hope it involves chains and whips.”

Cadance groaned again. “I don’t know what Luna ever saw in you!” She got a very shocked look on her face, her eyes going to pinpricks as she looked at Chrysalis. Apparently she didn’t know Chrysalis knew. When Chrysalis didn’t react, she just groaned again. “And he brags about it to random mares! Auntie, do something!”

Celestia looked at me and licked her lips. “I think I know just how to drain the lust out of him,” she said in a sultry voice. “It’ll take… repeat performances, though.” She took a step closer to me and winked at Chrysalis.

“And I would love to do my royal duty to assist you, Celestia. I think I know just the form to take to help, too.” She turned into Cadance with a filthy grin. “Anything to improve relations between our ponies…” She, too, took a step closer.

The real Cadance was just gaping. After a moment, she gagged. “EW EW EW! AUNTIE!”

Celestia turned to her with a disappointed expression. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but you’re getting married! I just can’t let the real you assist; it would be terribly poor form. You are welcome to watch, though.”

That was enough for Cadance, who ran away screaming about perversion.

Now that caused all three of us to just burst into laughter. When I was able to look up again, Chrysalis was back in her proper shape.

However, I was still being held by two spells.

“So, are you two going to let me go any time soon?”

Celestia looked to Chrysalis. They shared a predatory grin, though I have to admit that Chrysalis’s was much scarier.

Celestia said, “I don’t believe you’ve played with him yet, so I’ll wait until you have a turn before we share him.”

“So gracious!” Chrysalis said with mock surprise. Her grin grew deeper. “I’ll hold you to that. The deal about sharing him, I mean.” Oh fuck, they’re serious. “I don’t suppose… Would sweet little Luna be interested in joining us, perhaps?” Why am I smiling?

Celestia said, “She seems reluctant. Perhaps when she learns that Navarone has accepted the offer to join her Lunar order, she will relent.”

“I certainly hope so. What a lucky stallion he’ll be, to have three royals with him.” Oh God, they’re really serious!

Well, this trip to Canterlot just got a lot more fun.

“Quite,” Celestia said. Her horn stopped glowing. “Do treat him well, now; I would hate for him to be unable to… stand at attention… after the wedding.” With that and another wink, she turned around and walked the way she came.

“So uh… Why is she acting like that?” I asked when we couldn’t hear her anymore. “I mean, she’s been strange before, but never this bad.”

Her smile dropped a bit. “You can’t tell? Really?” I shrugged. “She’s in heat.” Chrysalis grinned again. “Now come along. I believe I made a promise of sorts to your princess.” I was still floating, by the way. ‘Come along’ was more like ‘passively float behind me.’

The situations I find myself in. I swear.

I mean, really. What the fuck? I’m not complaining, but hell!

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

“You know, many changelings would kill to be in your position,” she idly commented as I floated behind her.

“You probably won’t hear any complaints out of me, Chrysalis. I’ll admit, you’ll probably be the weirdest thing I’ve fucked so far, but at this point, I’m all about exoticism.”

She sniffed. “Oh, am I just another species to add to your list? Is that all you see me as?”

“I don’t remember saying that. While I am happy that I can add another species, I do care about you.”

She swished her tail aside and turned her head around, winking at me in two different areas. For a second, I thought I saw something moving in her bughood, but I dismissed that as an illusion of desire. I did, however, see holes in her labia before her tail fell back into place.

“Like what you see?” she sweetly asked.

“You just have holes everywhere, don’t you?”

She giggled huskily. “And you’re going to get to play with a few of them.”

“A few, huh? You’re a naughty queen, aren’t you?”

“Let’s just say I push the limits of most of my lovers to their boundaries. And then I break those boundaries. I think with you, though, I’ll go gentle.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I like that idea. I’m not into the freaky shit, not after what I’ve been through.”

Thankfully, further conversation was cut off by us arriving at our destination. She continued holding me as we entered her room. “Doppel, leave. You may come back in a few hours.”

She looked between me and Chrysalis a few times before biting her lower lip. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Do not make me repeat myself,” Chrysalis answered, starting to sound a bit angry. Doppel sighed and left, pulling the door shut behind her. Chrysalis nodded and carried me into the bedroom, gently setting me down on the bed. “Now, remove your clothes.”

I stood and did so, hoping she didn’t mind seeing some very different equipment than what she was probably used to.

She grinned and walked closer, bending me down to her level with magic and gently kissing me. Her fangs felt unwelcome against my mouth, but the kiss was still nice. When she let me go, she said, “I can be anypony—or anyone—you want.” She morphed into a random human woman. “Homesick?” a voice asked. She morphed into Sweetie Belle and I shivered. “Or perhaps interested in forbidden fruit?” She morphed into Cadance. “Or maybe you really are interested in our little pretty princess?”

I shook my head, taking hold of her face by her cheeks. “No, Chrysalis. If we’re going to do this, I want you. It’s only fair, since you’re just getting me.”

She morphed back into herself, blushing. “No one but changelings have ever… Well, not willingly. Are… are you sure you want me?”

“I’m here for Chrysalis, not any imitations.” I pulled her in for a kiss. She was shy, now, but I slowly warmed her back up. When I pulled away, she was still blushing a little, but she looked more willing to accommodate me.

“If that’s really what you want…”

I kissed her yet again. “It is. But before we do start, is there anything I need to know about your body?”

She held up a leg. “Our air holes are slightly sensitive.” She fluttered her wings. “As are our wings, but not nearly as sensitive as a pony’s. And… I don’t know how to say this, so let me just show you.” She turned around, swished her tail aside, and said, “Open my lips.”

I slowly teased them open and saw… “What in God’s name…” There were little appendages inside with what looked like nails at the end. In the center of the mass of writhing limbs was her green clit. I rubbed her outer lip with one hand and reached my other in there to gently poke at her clit. She let off a sigh of pleasure as the little feeler things reacted, closing weakly around my finger. “They won’t hurt me, will they?” They didn’t feel like they could. They looked sharp, but they were actually mostly fleshy. I imagined they were just there to make sure whoever her lover was didn’t try to pull out at the last minute.

“No, of cou—Oooh!” I had leaned in a bit further. As soon as she said it was safe, I stuck my tongue out and licked her little button. She pushed back into my face as I continued lapping at her folds. I reached my fingers around to her lips and poked through holes to hold her lips back as I explored her depths with my tongue. For a creepy bug creature, she was really sweet. I imagine that had something to do with all the love or whatever I had been feeding her.

She was gently panting while I continued exploring, her feelers erratically shifting against my tongue, presumably trying to guide me. I was having too much fun making her moan on my own to give into what those little pincer things wanted. I moved a few fingers to toy with her clit as I began spelling her name into her with my tongue.

When I dotted the i on her clit, she finally screamed out and came a nasty looking viscous green fluid. I sputtered, pulling away. “W-what?” I sputtered, still trying to discern the taste. I smacked my lips, actually focusing.

…

What the fuck? It was like a green jolly rancher. I looked at her slit to see some fluids left. I lifted a hand to my chin and felt some of it there. I shrugged and stuck my face back in, finishing the job by cleaning her up. I saw that her legs were somewhat shaky when I leaned back in, so I lowered my hands to her back legs and stuck each finger in a hole, holding her up and stimulating some apparently erogenous zones.

When I finally had her cleaned up, I pulled away with a grunt of disappointment from her. “You taste a lot better than I was expecting,” I commented as I let her tail flop back down.

“When… when you eat… raw love, that happens,” she answered, panting. “I haven’t had anypony do that to me in years!”

“Seems to me like you need better lovers.” I grabbed her haunches and pulled her in close, grinding against her. She gasped when she felt me. “You wanna do this here or on the bed?” I asked, giving her ass a nice slap for personal reasons. All it ended up doing was making my hand sting and reminding me that she was mostly in a carapace.

She giggled at my antics. “As much as I want you to take me like a peasant girl standing up, I fear my legs would give out.” I shrugged and let her go. She turned to face me and looked me up and down, taking in my manly physique. “You are very scrawny. And I was expecting more hair.” She shrugged. “But that is no matter.” She put a hoof to my chest and pushed back, tripping me onto the bed. I caught myself with my arms, holding myself up to see her push her head in and envelope my member with her mouth.

I felt her tongue wrapping around me. And then wrapping some more. And then some more. “Wha—” I managed to get out. She opened her mouth, revealing a very long and pointed tongue pulsating around my stiff manhood. She grinned at the shock on my face, revealing how I was fit perfectly around her fangs. She lightly shook her head once, making me hit both fangs. I flinched as I barely felt their tips around my member and she chuckled before finally closing her mouth and getting back to it, thankfully keeping her teeth away.

Her tongue was considerably more skilled than Kumani’s. It was also stronger, able to squeeze me perfectly and dance all up and down my member. When she slowly unwound her tongue and let her tip circle my head, I let out a sigh of pleasure. “God you’re good, Chrissy,” I whispered, running one of my hands through her hair as the other continued holding me up. She grunted by way of answer and wrapped her tongue around me again, drawing me in as far as she could get me.

Her tongue snaked out of her mouth and lapped at my balls, just getting them wet before pulling back in and continuing to toy with me. The hand on her head began rubbing at one of her ears. Her eyes met mine as she pulled her tongue away and gave a hard suck. I felt my eyes close and I took in a deep breath. Her tongue flicked out to continue its assault as I slowly let the breath out. I suppose a few thousand years will teach a girl how to suck a cock.

Soon—too soon—she pulled away with a slurp. “Wouldn’t want to ruin the main event,” she said in a sultry tone, sensing my disappointment. Her horn lit up and she pulled me off the bed before she hopped up to where I was and lying on her back, legs stretched out. She turned me around and set me down facing her. “Buck me hard,” she ordered, using magic to give me a small push to accentuate her point.

I looked over her body one last time and had a really funny thought. She saw me smirking and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I poked one of the holes on her legs. “I’m just imagining filling all of these with dicks.” She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed. I felt something smack me in the back of the head. “Yeah, yeah.” I stepped up to the edge of the bed and grabbed her back legs, lifting her up a little to give me a better angle. I positioned my head at her entrance. I could just barely feel the appendages inside squirming around, trying to grasp something she eagerly wanted. I grinned and began giving it to her, slowly pushing in. The fleshy pincers guided me in, crawling along my dick and giving me goose bumps.

As I slowly pushed in, I saw that she had her eyes shut. When I was finally inside she nodded and said, “Wait a moment, Nav.” I stopped moving. The pincers also stopped, just holding me steady. I felt Chrysalis tighten around me. She let out a breath and asked, “How is it now?”

I began pulling out, the feelers letting me go. I pushed in again to find it the perfect fit. I nodded. “Wonderful,” I answered.

“Then rut me like one of your filthy princesses.” That wasn’t exactly a very appealing mental image.

I smiled, not planning on ‘rutting’ her. I slowly began the rhythm, keeping a nice, even pace. It felt wonderful for me and I was hoping she felt the same. Each of my fingers was in a different hole on her back legs as I fucked her, so I was hoping she was feeling good. I know her feelers liked it; they were going wild down there, rubbing me in all the right ways.

She sighed. “I know you’re trying to make love to me, but don’t even bother faking it. I can feel your emotions, Nav. Treat me rough.”

“Well fine.” I dropped one of her legs and lowered my hand down to her clit, holding her somewhat on her side. I began picking up the speed, increasing both of our fun. I grinned when her massive tongue lolled out to the side, saliva gently dripping onto her bed as she panted and moaned.

It felt good to finally fuck a pony in my human body.

…Lines like that are why I’m glad this journal will never get home.

“Harder!” she moaned, breaking me from my horrifying reverie. I grinned and let her have her desire, fucking my favorite bug pony silly. I was finally starting to notice that her feelers actually were trying to guide me. I paused for a moment to grab her other leg and let the pincers take hold of me before picking up again.

She screamed out in pleasure when I thrust in that time. I grinned and grinded that spot, making her moan and call out something in a language I didn’t understand. I began thrusting again, hitting that special spot each time and making her entire body spasm in pleasure. Her wings were trying to flutter against the bed, but succeeded in nothing but making her look cute, for an insect.

Her eyes rolled up into her head before she shut them, surrendering her body to the pleasure I was dealing.

Of course, she wasn’t the only one suffering; whatever she did to make herself tighter was doing wonders for me, and as hard as she was on the outside, her insides were perfect, presumably groomed to make breeding as fast as possible.

The surprise motion of me letting one of her legs go and rubbing at her clit again was enough to send her over the edge. She mewled in pleasure and gushed out more green fluids, squeezing my manhood perfectly and getting me to cum as well, showering her insides. I let her ride her orgasm to its end before I pulled out, quickly softening in the cool air.

I shook my legs, walking around the room some while she caught her breath. “Hot white love isn’t as good as the real stuff,” she whispered, “but by the stars, it feels good…”

I grinned. “I’m happy you approve. Want me to grab my clothes and leave to let you recover?”

She picked her head up and looked at me with those sexy green eyes. “No. I want you to get on this bed and cuddle with me until you’re ready for round two.”

I sighed. “Since you’re the queen, I guess I have no choice…”

She smirked as I joined her on the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her hard and unyielding body against mine. “Happy?” I asked when we were situated.

“I’ll be much happier after a few more rounds,” she idly commented, snuggling against my body. I grinned.

(Sex is over)

Chapter Thirty-Five—Fear and Loathing in Canterlot

Chapter Thirty-Five—Fear and Loathing in Canterlot

Three hours later, I was nursing a flagon of booze in a bar somewhere in Canterlot, watching Spike earn his status of bro. I decided—based on the current events—that Shining Armor was going to get fucking tanked at this party.

Which is why he was currently doing flaming shots, courtesy of Spike. All of the other guests were cheering him on as he finished off his tenth. And for a pony, a shot is a glass about the size it would take to get me drunk.

Oh yeah. This shit was strong. Really strong.

The only thing we were missing was strippers. I tried to get Doppel to come with me, but she refused.

“For the last time, I ain’t tellin’ you how to make this shit,” I told the bartender. Ever since he found out what alcohol did and who made it, he had been trying to get the recipe. “Fuck off and find some salt or something.”

“I’m tellin’ ya! I know a guy that could get us anything we need! All the bits you could ever want. All the mares you could buck. All I need’s a recipe!”

“I ain’t attracted to mares, bro.” He blinked and opened his mouth. “And I ain’t attracted to stallions, either. You are not getting this fucking recipe. Fuck off and enjoy what little of it there is before it’s gone from this world forever.”

There was suddenly a white foreleg around my shoulder. “Relax, Nav!” Shining Armor slurred. He looked at the bartender. “Back off, barkeep, or I’ll have you in chains!” He giggled. “Only if you break the law, though. Gotta keep up appearances, after all!”

“Jesus. You’re going to have a killer headache when you wake up, bro.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t wake up until tomorrow! I can deal with it then.” He turned drunken eyes to the barkeep. “You got any salt?”

“No, Shining Armor,” I said. “We’re not mixing drugs. You’re going to be dehydrated enough with the booze; you don’t need to add salt.”

“Hey! This is my bar!” the bartender said. “You can’t stop me from serving my customers, even if you are a big winged freak.”

“I know what you’re trying to do. But you can’t threaten to press charges if you’re dead.”

He walked away very quickly after that.

“Buckin’… jerk,” Shining Armor slurred. “Hey, do we got any more of that… booze, I think you called it?” I gave him my flagon; I know my limits, and I had no intentions of getting anywhere near them. “You’re a true friend, Nav. It’s a shame you live so far away. You ever get tired of living with my boring sis, you look me up and I’ll fix you up right and proper in the guard.”

“The guard ain’t my style. I don’t arrest people, I kill them.”

He laughed at that like it was a joke. “That sure would save us all a lot of time,” he finally said when he was able to talk again. “You’re a trip, Nav. I’ll talk to you later, though—I gotta go… party.” He wandered back off into the main party.

Spike came up with a small flagon and joined me at the bar. “Well?” he asked.

“You did great, bro. I can honestly say I’m shocked. And if you get drunk, you’re staying in my room. I’ll not have you give this away to Twilight by waking up with a splitting headache.” Though, come to think of it, Twilight might actually still be in my bed; I hadn’t been back to my room since I left her there.

“That’d be awesome. I miss those days when it was just you and me.” He took a long draught and belched up a massive flame. Oh yeah. Alcohol is flammable. Heheh.

There was some applause from the drunken guys at the display and Spike raised an arm to acknowledge it. He finished the glass off and gave another massive belch, burning the mustache off one of the guys, who burst out laughing.

“Oh man, Celestia’s gonna love that message!” Spike cackled. I couldn’t help a smile. I had a feeling she was going to be getting some weird shit in the coming hours. When the laughter died down, Spike turned to me, “So why aren’t you drinking, Nav?”

“I’m the designated…” I waved a hand. “Whatever. Gotta make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“Psh. Sounds boring. I know you love drinking back home, so why not here?”

“I only drink occasionally, when I don’t feel like thinking anymore. And I rarely get drunk. The difference is that here there are unaccustomed drinkers, so someone that knows what to look out for needs to be watching.”

“Fine, fine. Have fun with that. Imma go back to the party. You know you’re welcome to join us.”

I waved him on, leaning back on the bar and watching.

“Hey freak, wings off the bar.”

Fucking asshole barkeep. I stretched them out to both sides of me. I know Spike and Shining Armor had been on one side, but I hadn’t been paying attention to the other side.

“I’ve heard you’re friendly, human, but I didn’t know the rumors were this true!” Never heard that voice before.

I ripped my wing back from the mare I was enveloping and saw that it was the DJ from the Maris party. “Oh hey, it’s you! That concert at Maris was badass. What’re you doing in a shithole like Canterlot?”

She raised an eyebrow above her large purple glasses. “Killing time before the buckin’ royal wedding so I can play my set and get out of this place and back to Manehattan. I remember seeing you at Maris, dancing with ‘Tavia and the dragon. What’re you doing here?”

“Same thing you are, but with Ponyville as my destination. It’s amazing what kind of shit you have to go through when you work for the princesses, you know?” She smiled. “I help stop one little changeling invasion and suddenly I’m a big hero. I don’t reckon it helped that I was the liberator of Egypt and I won that tournament thing back in Paris. Either way, I gotta wait here until I can get knighted at the wedding.”

“Poor bucker. I’d hate that kind of responsibility. You should totally appeal to Luna for help. She’s an awesome party girl at heart, I know she’d bail you out.”

“It’s partially her fault I’m in this mess. Never accidentally seduce a princess.” I waved a hand. “Enough of that mess. Go over there and grab a few flagons of that apple stuff. Drown your sorrows.” She didn’t move but I saw her horn glowing. Two flagons moved our way.

“What is this stuff? I know it’s having all kinds of effects on those guys, but I’ve never heard of a liquid doing that stuff to ponies before.”

“Alcohol.” We reached out for the mugs. They were all designed to be held by hooves, however the fuck that worked, which meant they worked even better for a hand. “It has similar effects as salt, but at the same time it’s totally different. You’re a lot smaller than those guys, so it shouldn’t take you too much to get drunk. I had a friend named Rainbow Dash drink a few buckets of it and get so shitfaced she couldn’t walk.”

“Hahah, you know Rainbow Dash?” She took a hesitant sip at it before smiling and downing half the flagon in a gulp. I nodded. “Now that mare knows how to have a good time.”

“Yeah, she’s always fun to chill with. If you’re interested in talking with her again, she’s in the palace and will be at the reception.”

“I’ll have to lo—Whoa! This stuff is kicking in now!” She shook her head quickly and giggled. “You gotta get me some more of this stuff.” I passed her my flagon and she started working on it. “Not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it for now. I can totally see the use for this stuff at parties!”

I shrugged. “I can get you the recipe.”

The bartender was suddenly at my shoulder. “Hey!”

“Hi, how you doing?” I said, not turning.

“Sup, nice to meet you,” the DJ added.

“You’re starting to piss me off, freak!”

“What, disappointed that he can draw and keep a crowd better than you can?” the DJ asked.

“Only because he’s so ugly! I’m surprised the princess hasn’t had him locked away just so we don’t have to see him.”

“I don’t know about ugly. I happen to think he’s kinda cute.” I noticed that she had turned around to face the barkeep.

“Oh, you think so? I don’t guess you’d mind proving that, then?” he asked in a flippant tone.

I smiled, knowing where this was going. I flipped around on my stool, wrapped an arm and a wing around the mare, pulled her close, and we made out right in front of the barkeep’s sputtering face.

After a full minute, we pulled away from each other. She grinned at him. “Any more and I think the officers behind us will have to arrest us for indecency.”

The bartender was very, very red-faced. He stormed off without a word. We turned back around, trying to hold in laughs.

“Not many girls I know would actually do that,” I said. “You definitely just made it on my bro list.” I held up my fist and she met it with her hoof.

“Not many stallions I know would be able to keep up with that. And most of them would be wanting more.”

“You’re cute, I’ll give you that. But I just had my brains fucked out by the changeling queen, so I think I’m good for now. Besides, you never even told me your name.”

“Vinyl. Vinyl Scratch.”

“Navarone.” We bro-fisted again.

“So… the changeling queen?”

“Dude, I’m not gonna lie: I’ve done some crazy shit. I’ve slept with some kickass chicks. But that one rocked my world and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”

She grinned. “You’re gonna have to tell me more about that, Nav.”

She pulled another flagon over and sipped at it as I told the sordid tale.

“Oh buck… Maybe we should have let her take over! At least then things would be a lot more fun around here!”

I grinned. “I’m not so certain about that. Rumor around the palace is that a certain large white mare is in heat. I know she certainly is acting a bit strange. Ain’t no telling what’s gonna happen come the wedding, when all the mares and stallions have to get together and she’s standing at the front, staring them all in the eyes.” Scratch giggled at the idea. “I know I’ve certainly been walking on tiptoes around that place. Chrysalis ain’t the only one with exotic tastes, I’ve found.”

“Sounds to me like you’d enjoy it more than anything.”

“Whoa now, us guys need a bit of time to recharge. And I’ve been getting drained a lot lately. Nearly every night at the Maris party and twice in the three or so days I’ve been on the surface back here. You girls have it easy.”

“Oh man, that reminds me of a great story! You’re gonna love this!” She proceeded to tell me several very dirty stories that I won’t reprint here because frankly, I’d blush every time I read through them and if anyone ever read this, I would never hear the end of it.

Then again, given some of what I’ve written in the past… Nah, these are someone else’s stories. I won’t write them. But if you ever find me in a bar one night and we get through all the other tales… I will make your ears turn bright red from this mare’s stories.

When she finished her tales and was eagle-eyeing more booze, Shining Armor came up. “Hey Nav, you gonna introduce us to your marefriend there?”

“Scratch, Shining Armor. Royal guard captain, DJ extraordinaire.”

“Oh, you’re the poor bastard getting married,” Scratch said. “So sorry, dude. At least you got a kickass party out of it.”

“And I’m expecting one Tartarus of a wedding night,” he said with a grin. “Nav here gave me a bit of advice, and it seems everypony else here had a bit to chime in as well.”

Scratch scoffed. “Advice from stallions ain’t worth a bit on the wedding night. Save their advice for when she’s pushed out a few foals and is looser than Nav’s morals.” I smiled at that and SA laughed even though he had no idea what she meant. “Her first time needs to be romantic and gentle. Don’t want to hurt the poor mare.”

“Ah, that is what Nav told me, though. The rest of their advice… not so much. He even suggested I massage her wings!” He laughed again. Good God he was drunk.

“Oh ho! So Nav really does know how to treat a mare.” Scratch grabbed one of my wings and pulled it down. “Here, let me show you every place you need to know on a wing to get a pegasus super-hot and bothered.”

He snickered. “Hold on, Scratch. Hey guys, gather round! Nav here’s participating in an anatomy lesson!” The entire bar pressed around to watch me get molested.

I was having too much fun to care. The fun quickly increased when she started pointing out pressure points and demonstrating how they worked. This chick knew more than Kat, somehow, and she made sure to demonstrate it all. She left me very hot and very bothered.

When she finished, one of the random guys in the crowd called out, “You just gonna leave that poor stallion hangin’? Lookit him!”

She lifted up her large purple glasses to look at me with some amazing red eyes. She looked me up and down before grinning and letting the glasses fall. “Whaddaya say, Nav? You interested in a humble mare like myself? I know a nice little alley less than a minute away.”

I had her hoof in my hand and we were out the door before the cheers were even close to abating.

(Sex is cumming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

She wasted no time leading me down a relatively dark alley. I have to admit, the place was pretty nice for a back alley next to a bar and where quickies are apparently common enough that Vinyl knew where it was. It was much better than the alleys in Catro, that’s for sure.

She raised her fore hooves up to my belt, jerking at it. “How do you get this thing off?” she asked after a moment of work.

I reached down and undid it for her. “Simple as that,” I said. She pulled them down and eyed me with a raised eyebrow.

“Huh.”

“Different ain’t always bad, is it?”

She answered by engulfing my whole member with her mouth, already deepthroating me. Before I could even do anything, she used her leverage to push me back against the alley wall, making sure I couldn’t move anywhere. The only bad part about that was that her horn was dangerously close to my belly.

I put one of my hands on the top of her head, in case I needed to control her. I let my other hand gently rub at one of her ears. She seemed to appreciate that; she bobbed back and wrapped her tongue around my head, giving me a long suck. I shuddered in pleasure as she took me back in, moaning.

Her tongue started to dance across my dick as she slowly began bobbing up and down. I didn’t need that hand there to help control her. She was a master at her craft, and despite whatever that said about her character or morals, I wasn’t going to complain.

She wasn’t letting me get used to whatever she was trying, either. Every time I started feeling myself getting into the groove, she’d subtly change the motions of her tongue and the speed she was bobbing, constantly increasing the pleasure. At the three minute mark, I was grateful that all my physical sensations were deadened. Anything to prolong what I was feeling was good in my books.

At the five minute mark, I was squeezing my eyes shut, trying to stop from cumming. She started speeding up, working her best to get me to blow my load as fast as possible. She started paying special attention to my head, circling it with her tongue. Her efforts were rewarded as, two minutes later, I felt myself twitch and finally hit sweet release. I sighed as I unloaded into her mouth. As I came, she pulled back so that only my tip was inside, propping it up with her tongue so it would all land in the perfect spot.

When the last drop came out, she pulled back and showed me the fruits of her exertions, before closing her mouth and very noisily swallowing. After a deep breath to recover, she said, “I gotta say, you definitely have endurance. Most stallions give in after three minutes.”

“Yeah, well I ain’t no stallion. Now, your turn,” I said with a predatory grin.

She waved a hoof. “That’s not ne—” I caught her hoof mid-wave. She stopped what she was saying, which was good because I wouldn’t want her to have bitten her tongue when I flipped her onto her back. She shook her head, dazed. “How did you do that?”

“Just a trick I learned. Now lay back and enjoy yourself.” I looked up at her face. “Oh, and take those off.” With a glow of her horn, they settled on the ground next to her. I took a second to pull my pants up so I would have some kind of defense if a guard caught us.

That done, I knelt down in front of her. I first put a hand on her belly, gently rubbing it. “Oh come on, Nav. I don’t want to be here all night.” When did girls stop liking romantic gestures?

“Fine.” I moved that hand lower, brushing against her sweet honeypot. I started rubbing at it, waiting for her clit to come out to play. She was already pretty wet, thankfully. I slipped a finger inside, slowly twisting it around. She let out a light sigh. I set my thumb on her little nub, smiling at her gasp. I started rubbing the clit as I inserted two more fingers, curling them around and playing with her insides.

“Oh Cel-Celestia,” she whispered. “Why can’t p-ponies ha—ooh—have fingers?” A quick mental image flashed in my head of a pony having fingers extending from its hooves. I shivered and continued working on Vinyl. I gently traced my name inside of her. She finally let out a loud moan when I got to the o.

I grinned and pulled my fingers away. Before she could complain, I grabbed her back legs and pulled her up onto my lap, putting me between her legs.. I leaned my head down and took a good lick at her snatch. Is that… coconut? What the fuck? I’m not much a fan of coconut, but that just gave me an incentive to finish this faster.

I took her clit in my mouth and sucked on it, getting her to let out another real moan. After a minute of gently suckling at her, I pulled away from that and finally started eating her out proper. I spelled her name into her and felt her legs start to clench at my head. I started shaking my head slightly as I spelled more words into her so my nose would rub against her little clit.

My efforts didn’t go unnoticed. Her legs kicked straight out and a small bit of fluid shot out at me. I caught it all and let it sink down my throat, ignoring the taste. I did my best to clean her up as the climax wracked her body. When her throes were finished, I pulled away from her and let her haunches back on the ground.

She sighed happily. “It feels like bedtime now,” she whispered.

“No, now it’s time to go back into the bar.” I slowly pulled myself to my feet and her red eyes watched me rise. “You shouldn’t keep those hidden away.” Her blush deepened. “This was certainly fun. You good to walk?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just give me a moment.” Her face was still blushed and her eyes were somewhat unfocused. She closed them for a moment and started taking in deep breaths. A minute later, she flopped over and got to her feet. She shook each hoof and rolled her shoulders. Her horn glowed and the goggles returned to her face. “Alright then, shall we?”

(Sex is over)

And we were back in twenty minutes later, both feeling immensely better. “Recharge time, huh?” she smugly said as we found our seats at the bar.

“I’m part tree; I heal fast.”

“Don’t know about healing quickly, but I know you can get hard enough to be a tree!” She said that loudly enough that the entire bar heard it. Many laughs were had and another flagon was shoved in both of our hands. Well, my hands and her hooves. I actually downed a bit of the booze within that one before passing it on.

“You don’t like your own creation?” she asked as she downed the remnants of my flagon.

“I know my limits. I’m a bit lighter than ponies, and I don’t want to get drunk. Someone needs to make sure these drunks don’t do anything they’ll regret.”

“Like enjoying watching a stallion get molested in front of them?”

“Well, since that stallion was me, I don’t care if they regret it. I had fun, so who cares what they do? Besides, as much as most of them have been drinking, they won’t remember much about this party.”

“Oh, this stuff erases memories too?”

“Nah, but if you drink enough, you black out and you lose some control over yourself. It lowers inhibitions and several other things. And it dehydrates you, so when you go to sleep drunk, you’ll wake up with a massive headache unless you drink a lot of water. And as always, you can drink too much and hurt yourself or even kill yourself.”

“Good to know. You still need to get me the recipe.”

“You know what, if you can keep me supplied with this shit, I will. Just don’t give anyone else the recipe. I don’t care what kind of bits you’re offered. And be careful, because it’s flammable. That country hick that made this for me built a still and the damn thing blew up when she did something wrong.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. If you’re going to be at the wedding, just give me the recipe at the reception.”

“I would, but I’m not going to be there. I got plans. I do, however, happen to have paper on me right now.” Like I said, I haven’t returned to my room since I left Twilight; I still had all my paper and whatnot stored on me. And ink. A quill, though… “Can you pull out a feather for me?” I felt a twinge as a loose one fell out and floated up to me. I spun around and pulled out my supplies and made a quick list and some instructions for her. “You need any more info, I live in Ponyville. If I’m not there, look up a place called Sweet Apple Acres and talk to Applejack. Tell her… Well, convince her somehow.”

“I might stop by. Celestia only knows this lifestyle gets old sometimes; a quiet place like that might be nice to visit for a short time, and it would be good to see Dashie and Pinkie again.”

“Ponyville’s always a welcoming place. As long as you aren’t too different, at least; took them a few years to get used to me. Though I still think the reason they started treating me like a person was because a unicorn tried to kill me in town square and Celestia told him to knock that shit off.”

“Psh, you had to get bailed out? That’s weak, bro.”

“Oh no, I was going to kill that sumbitch. Celestia saved him, not me. She just didn’t want everyone there scared of me.” I giggled. “And then someone kicked his ass for threatening me, which really helped.”

She smiled. “Sounds like a fine place, alright. They probably wouldn’t much care for my kind of lifestyle, and I know I’d be shunned a bit for my eyes, but it does sound nice.”

“First, I’ve been to a rave party there that, while not as awesome as the one you threw, was still pretty badass. And second, your eyes are too beautiful to be shunned for. Why you wear those glasses is beyond me.” I was still watching the party going down so it took me a while to notice that she was completely silent. I turned to look at her to find that she had pulled her glasses up and was staring at me. “What?”

“Do you mean that?” She sounded odd, for some reason. Maybe the alcohol was kicking in more now.

“Yeah.” I did, too. “Why?”

“I’ve never had anypony tell me that before, is all. Most of them are afraid of me when they realize what my eyes look like.”

“Well, more fool them. I quite enjoyed it when you tried to eat me. If you’re evil, you missed a good opportunity to kill me.”

She grinned at that. “No. There are just… bad legends about red eyes. They’re uncommon enough for ponies, and most of us that have them are shunned a bit. You’re one of the few ponies I’ve met recently that have seen them.”

“There’s the thing: I’m not a pony. And you forgot that I just fucked the changeling queen. I’ve seen some shit. I know better than to fear legends, and to respect beauty where I can find it.”

“And here I thought you said you weren’t attracted to mares. If I didn’t know any better—and if it wasn’t already too late—I’d say you were trying to get between my legs.”

“I’m not sexually attracted to you, but I recognize beauty when I see it. And I’ve had sex with enough mares that I know how good you can make me feel. And how good I can make you feel.” I shrugged. “It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. They agree to overlook their revulsion for me and I do the same.”

“Hmph. You really know how to make a mare feel great about herself, don’t you?” She didn’t sound that amused.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m a product of where I come from. Having sex outside your species was highly frowned upon. If I did any of this back home, I would be arrested.”

“Sounds like a terrible place.” You don’t know the half of it. “It’s a good thing you made it here, then. I know you got some hot lovin’ from that dragon at the party. I’m sure a stud like you doesn’t sleep alone often.”

I grinned. “I don’t sleep. At least, not in spring and summer. I can keep going all night, if you know what I mean.” Unless I get nearly murdered, of course.

“You sure didn’t take your time out there.” By her tone, I knew she was joking, but that still twinged.

“I’ve already had my fun today, and I figured you’d want to get back to the party. I made sure we both had a nice release; nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“I, for one, prefer long nights of passion. But that don’t mean I object to little quickies every now and then.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Damn shame I can’t find you after the reception; I’m going to be busy getting trashed with a queen.”

“…trashed?”

“Drunk. I’ll be drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I gotta drive the pain of the knighting ceremony out somehow. I’m hoping I’ll do something stupid enough to be the knight with the shortest—and most shameful—record in Equestrian history.”

“I can drink to that. Where is the rest of this stuff, anyway?”

I looked around. There appeared to be no more alcohol left. “The rest of it is sitting in a single barrel in my room, saved for my after-party. Other than that single barrel, I probably have about another barrel’s worth stashed back home. Until you start making more, that’s all of the booze on this entire planet.”

“Shame you’re saving what you got, then. I’ll send a few barrels of the stuff your way whenever I start making it. I know I certainly feel funny, and everything looks weird, too.”

“That’s because you haven’t put your glasses back on. You’ve been flashing your pretty eyes ever since we had that conversation.” Her face nearly matched her eyes when I said that, and her glasses quickly fell back down from their perch on her horn. “Meh, our loss. By the way, you don’t mind if I do wrap my wing around you, do you? The asshole barkeep won’t let me keep them on the bar and they don’t bend well enough to keep them around myself.”

She waved a hoof and found herself enveloped by a large wing; it was nice, being able to put it on something solid. The other one was just sort of hanging there.

“So where do you see yourself ending up tonight, Nav?” she asked me.

“If you’re asking if I’m interested in a prolonged night of passion, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I would love it, but there are enough mares in the palace clamoring for me right now. Or did you have something else in mind?”

“I did, actually. I know a place where a real party is going on. This is fun and all, but it’s kinda tame compared to what I’m used to, even with the alcohol. It’s probably already in progress, but these kinds of parties are best to just walk into anyway.”

“Will they let me in? I’ve seen some of the looks I inspire from these asshole Canterlot snobs.”

“I’m not gonna lie, Nav: A lot of them have seen you and totally want to jump your bones. Both the mares and the stallions. It’s not an obsession or anything, but these are the party ponies of Canterlot, not the stuck up snobs, and you are definitely exotic. I’m actually here because I heard a few whispers you’d be here. None of them will try anything if you don’t want it, but I’d know they’ll all love you there.”

“You’re sure none of them will try anything? I’ve been the unwilling recipient of some very painful stuff in the past, and I do not enjoy it.”

“I’m certain. You’re in Canterlot, not Appaloosa. Ponies here are more circumspect. You’ll be fine. And if anypony starts making trouble, well, I can see a bunch of weapons on you just by looking at you and I’m sure you have more hidden. I bet you can take care of yourself before the bouncers can even get through the partiers.”

“True enough. Now, this next question is going to sound odd and if I piss you off, I’m sorry. But have you ever broken in a virgin?”

She giggled. “I have. But I’m not taking the groom; even I have some standards.”

“Nah, the groom ain’t the one on my mind. If I got him laid tonight, he’d be pissed at me. I’m talking about the dragon over there.”

“Hm… He’s cute, I’ll give you that. But… it’s an odd request. Tell you what: You come with me and get him to come along and I’ll think about it—if he wants it, of course. It won’t be like what you and I did, though. And he better not be clingy.”

I waved that away. “I’ll take care of it. Yo Spike!” He looked up and I waved him over. “Bro, you think this party still needs the three of us? I’ve heard word of a kickass party going on elsewhere around now, and you and I are invited.”

“I dunno, Nav. I’m supposed to be the one running the bachelor party. I’m not certain I should just up and leave…”

“Trust me Spike. Right now, they don’t need anyone running it. Most of these guys are so straight-laced and shit-faced they’ll be out like a light in a few minutes with as much of this stuff as they all drank. The only thing they’ll be needing soon is a bed and some water. Just find a place for Shining Armor to stay, because if he ends up anywhere near Cadance tonight, bad things are gonna happen—and all the fallback is gonna hit me. You got a minute to decide.”

He looked around him for a moment before turning back to me. “I’ll need a few minutes to make arrangements. I gotta find a place for SA to stay tonight.”

“No mares. Send him home with a bachelor.”

“He could come with us,” Scratch said. “Not certain any of these ponies would notice him missing.”

“No, I’ve seen that episode.” They both looked confused at that. “We’re sending him home before we fuck up. Trust me.”

They both shrugged. “Don’t leave without me, Nav,” Spike said. He darted back to the group, wobbling slightly.

“You sure about this, Nav?”

“He’s about as tall as some ponies now. I think it’s about time. I have no idea how old he is in dragon years, but I think it’ll do him some good.”

“If you’re sure. Where we’re going, getting laid won’t be a problem. If I don’t decide to do it, I don’t think you’ll have a problem.”

As it turned out, if I had known how right she was about that, I would have pulled Spike kicking and screaming from the bachelor party and booked it straight to the party we were about to go to.

Coincidentally, those are the last clear memories I have of that night. I still have hazy recollections of Vinyl getting handed a few drinks by the bartender and passing the drinks straight to me and Spike. I know they weren’t drugged on the way to us, because we both downed them as soon as we got them. I figured, you know, the bartender of the party Vinyl took us to wouldn’t do anything to us.

Most of my other memories that night are dancing—which I don’t do at parties like that—and laughing. I don’t remember any of the fun parts.

I woke up in a giant pile of sleeping ponies. There were both mares and stallions.

My entire body ached. My entire body was sticky. I didn’t have any clothes, but I did have all of my weapons and all of my ammo. I don’t know how they got my pants off while leaving my weapon belt on and I don’t know why. I found my clothes under a form I recognized as Lyra Heartstrings. I rolled her over and slipped everything on, shuddering at how they felt against my sticky skin.

Spike was in a pile of mares. I gently grabbed him and threw him over a shoulder as I tip-toed to a door that I was hoping was an exit. As I sit writing this right now, I still don’t know what exactly happened, other than I ended up drugged and that I woke up sticky and naked and sore.

When I got to the exit, I took one look back and couldn’t help a small whistle. There had to be at least thirty mares and ten stallions in that room. Whatever Spike was, I don’t think he was a virgin anymore. I adjusted his weight on my shoulder with a small chuckle and pushed the door open to the bright new day, beginning the long walk of shame back to the palace. Walk, because my wings were too sticky to fly right. While most of me was actually sticky, they appeared to be covered in something I didn’t like thinking about much.

I am very, very happy I don’t know what happened that night.

We got several odd looks on the way back to the palace. My dead eyes, bedraggled appearance, stench of shame and fluids, and the fact that I was a human and carrying a dragon did quite a bit.

Halfway to the palace, I saw a group of little old mares staring at me from a little tea place. I stopped in the middle of the street to stare back. After a moment, I walked up to them. “What?” I asked, adjusting Spike again.

One of them grinned. “You remind me of meself when I was younger. You look like you need a bit of somethin’ in ya, boy. Interested in breakfast?” The others all looked a bit shocked at that.

I looked at their table. Three old ladies, five seats. “I wouldn’t say no to a bit of tea. As long as it isn’t drugged or poisoned. I can’t stay to chat long, though; I need a shower and a serious painkiller.”

The old lady that spoke up waved to a pair of seats that were right next to each other. I slid Spike down in one of them. She pushed a teacup forward. I reached out to the teapot and poured, the pot shaking slightly in my grasp.

“I’d offer to tell you about my night, but I don’t remember a thing. Any good gossip floating around Canterlot?” I asked them.

They all grinned and tittered. One of the two that hadn’t spoken said, “We’ve heard rumors of a horrid monster falling in love with another horrid monster in the palace. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“If what you’re asking is if I’m one of those horrid monsters, I can tell you that yes, I am. The other one isn’t a monster, though. She’s just the queen of the changelings. And it isn’t so much love as it is lust. Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of a horizontal tango, is there?” I picked up the tea and sipped as the old ladies cackled.

“Ain’t never heard it called that before!” one of them said. “There’s also talk of that sexy princeling getting hurt. From what I’ve heard, he ain’t so sexy anymore.”

I waved a hand. “He got poisoned. Last I heard, he wasn’t doing so good, and his coat had lost much of its shine. I don’t think he’ll ever look the same, with what the poison did to him. No great loss; that guy was a dick.”

“Bet he had a nice one of them, too,” one of the old ladies muttered into her cup, causing me to smile and the other two to burst out laughing again.

“Word is the pretty pink princess had her wedding ruined by that same horrid monster. The other horrid monster apparently helped save her life.”

“That’s partially true. The changeling queen did ruin the wedding, but it got postponed until… shit, what’s today?” I shrugged when they told me. “Wedding’s tomorrow. I saved Celestia’s hide, not Cadance’s.” I snorted. “Fuck Cadance, that bitch is crazy. Celestia’s pretty awesome, though.”

They all smiled knowingly. One of them whispered, “She’s in heat, too.” They all giggled. I wonder how that got around. Maybe all the ponies just know or something.

I drained half of the rest of the cup. “Anything else?”

“There was a large shadow on the shield a few days ago,” one of them said. “No pony seems to know what it was, but everypony was afraid.”

“Oh. Don’t worry about that; it’s been taken care of. We sent the changelings packing when we captured their queen.”

“You captured her—or she captured you?” one of them muttered.

I grinned and finished off the cup. “Thanks for the conversation and the tea, ladies. I need to get back to the palace.” They all nodded and said farewells. I slung Spike back over my shoulder and made it to the palace with no further interruptions.

I couldn’t actually make it to my room without catching the eye of absolutely everyone I passed, though. I really should have thought that through before I walked in looking—and smelling—like I probably did. Ponies have much stronger noses than I do. I expected word to be around the palace in minutes that I walked in smelling like a bordello.

Meh.

I was worried more about Spike than me, honestly. If it got back to Rarity that he had been involved in something like that, it would probably kill his nonexistent chances with her. But I’m a pretty good liar, so it shouldn’t take much to convince everyone of a less nasty version of events than what I think went down. Getting Spike to agree to tell my version would be the hard part.

Of course, we had to actually get to my room first; I was in desperate need of a shower, and he was in desperate need of a bed that didn’t have a pony anywhere near it. I was doing pretty good until… “Navarone, why do you smell like salty coins and milk?”

“Slip-n-slide accident, Cadance,” I answered, not stopping. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need a shower and Spike needs a bed.”

Unfortunately, she wasn’t alone. And they followed me. “That’s not salty coins or milk, princess!” Pinkie said. “It’s—”

“None of her business,” I broke in. “And given that I don’t remember exactly what happened last night, I’m going to go ahead and say that it was caused by a slip-n-slide accident. It isn’t a lie because I don’t know the truth.”

“Psh, that’s easy, Nav! I was at that party! You—”

“Pinkie, I really don’t want to know. When I woke up, there were stallions in the pile too.”

“Well, Ido want to know,” Cadance said. “What has our depraved friend been up to, Pinkie?”

“Well, if he doesn’t want anypony to know…”

“Damn right I don’t. I also don’t want another misguided lesson on love. Right now, all I want is a painkiller and a shower.”

“You do know you missed the practice wedding, right? You and Spike were both supposed to be there!”

“Cadance, I broke into a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean, freed the slaves on it, and took the ship over. I’m sure I can figure out a fucking wedding. And Spike’s already been there, once for the practice and once for the almost real thing.”

They both scoffed. “Nav, fighting is nothing like a wedding! Do you know how hard planning that is?”

“I didn’t do any planning. I just went with the flow of things. Why bother making a plan if you’re just going to convince yourself it’s stupid and break off?”

“The wedding, Nav. We’ve been planning it for ages! I’ll not have you ruin it just so you can… go slip-n-sliding, whatever that is.”

“So you’re saying that planning a wedding is harder than killing and surviving on an enclosed battlefield where getting caught or seen means death?” She looked a bit less sure of herself. “Because if that’s what you’re saying, I think I’d rather swap jobs. I’ll give you the knives and let you go flying over enemy forts to open the gates to let the cavalry in.”

“Well—”

“Or getting captured by natives and being forced—”

“Navarone!” It was Pinkie, that time. I stopped talking. “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t make you feel any better. Making Cadance cry won’t take back anything that’s been done to you. Tomorrow’s her wedding. Give her that.”

I sighed. “Stay sane, Pinkie. You keep me from doing things I shouldn’t. Go, Cadance. You’re too easy of a target and I’m in no mood for this.”

Cadance huffed. “I’ll go, if you can tell me where Shining Armor is.” She blushed. “He… he wasn’t at the rehearsal either.”

I shifted Spike a bit. “Spike’s the one who knows where he is. We left the bachelor party before it was over. Spike said he was arranging someone to make sure Shining Armor stayed safe. Whenever—and wherever—he wakes up, he’s going to have a killer headache. Both him and Spike. And Pinkie: Not a word of this to Twilight, if you actually were at that party. Whatever happened stays there. Got it?” She nodded with a massive grin. “Now fuck off, both of you. I feel dirty in more ways than one.”

“What about Shining Armor?” Cadance asked.

“You’re going to have to wait for Spike to wake up. He isn’t asleep, he’s passed out. Ain’t no telling when he’ll be up. If you want, though, we can throw him in the shower first. He’ll get up, then.”

“That seems cruel, Nav,” Cadance said.

“Yeah, well, I almost just made you cry before your wedding. I’m not exactly a nice person.” She huffed again. “And there was that whole incident yesterday that should have showed I’m not nice. And several other things.”

“You sure seemed awfully nice to Chrysalis,” Pinkie said, making Cadance grin.

“That’s because most of the rest of you were being dicks to her. Someone had to pick her up.” I shrugged. “Besides, she’s more like me than most of you are.”

We walked in silence for a bit. I was still catching eyes as I walked down the halls. Cadance finally said, “Pinkie, do you feel funny? Ever since I started talking to Nav, I’ve felt myself getting warmer.”

Pinkie’s habitual smile turned a bit sly. “I could tell you the reason, but that would go against not saying what happened last night.”

Cadance looked confused for a moment before looking horrified. “EWWWW!” She galloped back the way we had come.

“So Pinkie. I want two answers from last night: Did I know I was drugged, and was it Vinyl that did the drugging?”

“Yes and no. I believe your exact words when you downed the glass were, ‘Oh shit, I just got drugged.’ Scratch was really angry about it, too.”

I looked at her. “I knew I got drugged.” She nodded, smiling. “And I stayed there anyway.” She nodded again, still smiling. “Okay, one more question. What the fuck was the drug?”

“A really strong afro… aphrodi… It made all the mares want you and it made you want all the mares.”

“That isn’t the only thing I got drugged with. If I don’t remember this much, I got hit with more than a damn aphrodisiac.” She shrugged. “Whatever. If you see Celestia approaching before I get a shower, let me know.” If my smell turned Cadance on, I wouldn’t want to know what it would do to a mare in heat.

“Nav, with the state you’re in, you wouldn’t get very far. You can barely move and if you can fly, I’m a unicorn.”

“True. We’ll wake Spike up long enough to get a name out of him so you can go find Shining Armor. When you find him, make sure he drinks a lot of water. And have a few empty buckets, because he’s probably going to throw up.” She grimaced. “And don’t bring Cadance, either.”

“I’m not stupid, Nav. I’m sending Twilight!”

“Oh God no. Send AJ and Dash. They know how to deal with someone in his state.”

She giggled. “I was just kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you guys! I know what you went through last night, before you came to the fun party. And while you were at the fun party! And after the fun party…”

“As I said, I don’t want to know anything else. Wait, actually, two more things: Was Spike drugged, and did he… you know?”

“No and yes. Rarity won’t find out from me.”

“Heheheh. Awesome. I knew I brought him with me for a reason.”

“He might not be so happy about it, though… He was really drunk, Nav.”

“Then he probably won’t remember. Let’s just hope he remembers enough to know where the hell SA is. Oh man, Pinkie, you should have seen them last night! Spike was lighting shots and Shining Armor was downing them like nobody’s business! It was amazing.”

She “Ooh’d” at that. “And he didn’t get hurt?”

“Well, probably. But he might as well live a little while he can; he’s getting married soon, after all. And Cadance is annoying as fuck, so she probably won’t let him do anything.”

“She’s not that bad, Nav. You just gotta give her a chance!”

“I was trapped in a cavern with her for days. If we had been down there for much longer, I’d have bashed her skull in while she was asleep and got my first taste of pony.”

Pinkie giggled. “Not your first taste. I think that was Rarity.”

I shrugged, bouncing Spike up a bit. “Not what I meant. But fair enough. And Spike doesn’t get to know about that either. Also, next time you read something that continually threatens you and derides you for reading it, maybe you should stop.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Oh yeah, and Rarity was looking for you too! And Twilight! And Taya. And Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and Queen Chrysalis and Fluttershy and Cadance and me and a few servant ponies.”

“Holy fuck. What did the servants want?” She shrugged. “Any idea about the rest of them?”

“I think Rarity wanted to talk to you about your armor. Taya just wanted to be around you—you really don’t spend enough time with her! I think I just wanted to say hi, but I don’t remember for sure anymore. Cadance wanted to know where Shining Armor was. I don’t know about the rest.”

“Shower first. Well, wake up Spike and then shower. I’m tired of drawing the eye of every mare—Yeah, I see you looking at me!” The random servant blushed and looked away. “I wasn’t complaining, you know.” She trotted away, giggling. “See, shit like that keeps happening. Even the stallions are looking at me funny!”

“Well, that’s what you get for—”

“Don’t want to know! I just want to shower and soak my wings and get whatever this is off me.” She giggled again. “At least we’re almost there… When’s the party for Chrysalis again?” She told me. “I’ll try to be there. With everyone clamoring for me, I might be late. You’re an awesome secretary. And I swear to God, if there’s a party behind my door, I’m firing you.” She giggled. “From a cannon.” She cracked up. “Into space.” Now she was just straight up laughing.

I turned my door handle and opened it and nothing happened. I sighed gratefully and stepped inside. She followed and kicked the door shut behind her. I set Spike on my bed and stripped my shirt off. Pinkie flinched like I slapped her when I did. After a moment, she breathed in deep and sighed happily. I looked at her in concern for a moment. She just looked around my room with half-lidded eyes.

I gulped and picked Spike back up and took him to the bathroom. Pinkie followed me, standing awfully close. I turned the water on and got it as cold as I could get it. I thrust Spike in.

The resulting roar and flames sent Pinkie tumbling from the bathroom and I lost all of the hair on my arms and my upper body. Thankfully, my head was away from the blast and it only hit me long enough to burn the hair, so I wasn’t hurt.

Spike’s eyes shot open and he grasped the hand that I was holding him with hard enough to actually bend it back as he forced himself out of the water. The kickass persona he just built was immediately ruined when he let go and fell back, holding his head and groaning. “Where are we?” he moaned.

“The palace, my room. Where’s Shining Armor?”

He groaned again, still holding his head and trying to block out the light. “I sent him home with… Some guard. Uh… Sunshine Smiles, I think.” No clue who that was.

“Pinkie, he’s with some dude named Sunshine Smiles. Now go get a team together to get him; I’ll take care of Spike.”

“Have fun!” she called in a voice that was way too loud. She dashed out of my room.

“Spike, how much of last night do you remember?”

“Can we… talk about it later? I feel terrible…”

“Fine. Here.” I picked him up out of the shower and took him to the sink. “Open up.” With a small grimace, he opened his mouth and I turned on the cool water tap. He gulped down several mouthfuls before tapping out. “Alright, go and lie down. If you feel like throwing up, use the trashcan.” He slunk out of the bathroom and into my bed. He got down and closed his eyes and started snoring.

I shrugged and dropped my britches and hopped in the shower.

There’s no telling how long I was in the shower. Washing feathers is a pain in the ass. I think it was probably nearly an hour. When I finally got out, I felt a hell of a lot better. Before, pretty much everything hurt. Now it was just my head, and that eased a bit when I took Spike’s place under the faucet. Normally I wear hangovers as a reminder that all actions have consequences, but if I passed a unicorn today, I’d get them to heal it; I wasn’t going to be dealing with all the shit I had to deal with today with a headache.

I stepped into my room and checked my drawers. As I expected, all of my missing clothes had been returned and all of Celestia’s liveries had been removed. Fucking nobles, man. Got nothing better to do than fuck with us.

I quickly got dressed and checked on Spike. He was still alive, at least, though I expected he would be out for a while yet. I grabbed my gear and went next door. With a quick knock, Doppel opened up, grabbed me, and threw me inside and onto the floor. Before I could do anything else, she jumped on me and did her best to pin me down.

“What did you do to her?!” she angrily demanded.

“You’re going to need to be a bit more specific there. I’ve done a lot of things to a lot of hers recently.” Have you ever been punched by a hoof? Let me tell you my opinion on it: Fuck. That. Shit. Which is why Doppel quickly found herself kicked into the hall, propelled with both of my legs. My crossbow was on her before she picked herself off the floor. And then I dropped the crossbow when I remembered it wasn’t loaded and grabbed a dagger and a throwing knife and dropped into a fighting stance.

She laughed when she saw me as she morphed into Kumani. I don’t think she was expecting me to rush her and use my wings to propel my knee into her face. Her jaw clicked shut with a massive crunching sound and down she went.

She was expecting to intimidate me, I suspect. But I remembered what Chrysalis said: When they transform, they still remain changelings. And the other changelings from before couldn’t do magic when they turned into Celestia, Shining Armor, and Cadance. Doppel might have gotten a bit of strength from her change, but she wouldn’t have the ability to breathe fire at me.

Thankfully, when she dropped, she turned back into a changeling. I grabbed one of her back hooves and dragged her into the room. I was kind of tempted to leave her on the bed with Spike, but that would be mean even for me. I dragged her to a couch and put her on it.

“And that’s what I do to people that punch me in the face,” I said to no one as I checked around. “Anyone here?” Nothing. “Man, now my head really hurts. Cunt.” I checked a nearby desk and pulled out a small slip of blank paper. I wrote a quick note and blew it dry. I walked over to Doppel, rolled it up, and slipped it inside one of the holes in her hooves, not so far in that it couldn’t be seen and yet deep enough that she should feel it.

I was going to wait to wake up Spike after I saw Chrysalis, but she wasn’t there and I had no idea where she would be. So I went to go wake him up. Thankfully, it was a lot easier this time.

“Go tell Celestia to turn the sun down,” he groaned, rolling away from the window.

“I told you this would happen, Spike. The only way to get the pain to go away is to get up and come with me to find a unicorn. We both got shit to do today. And you really need a shower; you smell kind of like I did a few minutes ago.”

“Unicorn first, shower later…” he rasped, sitting up and looking around with bleary eyes.

“No, shower now and unicorn later. If you don’t take a shower, everyone is going to know what you did last night. And when word gets to Twilight, she’ll castrate you.”

“What did we—Oh Celestia!” He looked like he was about to be sick, so I threw the trash can in front of him. He just held his head, moaning. “So… many… mares. We were monsters last night, Nav.” He shuddered. “I think… I think a few of them were…” I kneeled down.

“Spike, I don’t want to know. I really, really, really don’t want to know. There were stallions in the pile when I woke up. Keep what happened to yourself or talk about it to Pinkie. Just never tell Twilight. In fact, just never tell anyone that isn’t Pinkie. I’m sorry if you regret it, but…” I giggled. “I bet you were having fun last night.”

He waved a claw at me, still holding his head with his other. “I don’t regret it. I just… don’t know what came over me.”

“We were drugged, Spike.”

“Well, I know you were, but I didn’t know I was!”

“If you really fucked more than one mare for any length of time, you were definitely drugged. We’ve been over the capabilities of virgins, so I know I don’t need to explain it.” I stood up and looked down on him. “Now, there’s something very important we need to do.” He looked up. I held up my fist. With a weary smile, he met it. “Welcome to the true ranks of bro-dom, Spike. For your actions last night, I award you the title of bro, first class. Wear your first hangover and sex-induced weakness with pride.” I paused. “For all of the time it takes us to find a unicorn, because I’m feeling it too. Now take a damn shower.”

He weakly jumped to his feet and wobbled a bit, then limped to the bathroom. I heard the shower start as I walked my way over to the window. It really is way too bright out there. If Celestia actually can control the damn sun, she should get her shit together. It was no brighter than usual, of course, but that’s still too bright for me. My physical body disagrees, as it loves the sun, but my mind still shuns it.

I sighed as I went over to my filthy clothes and rooted through the pockets. If my literature teacher could see these copies of Shakespeare right now, she would scream. Good thing she wasn’t there, because she’d probably nitpick the shit out of everything I was doing. I went over to the table and dropped the papers off, hoping nothing was missing.

That done, I started pulling out all of my miscellaneous weapons, checking them for damage or filth, because I really didn’t want to know what… whatever I was covered in would do to steel. They were all fine. I popped open my bolt container and gagged, throwing the entire thing away from me. Bolts slipped out and skittered around on the floor.

That… That was not a bolt. I walked over to it and pushed it with my foot. No. I don’t even know. When Spike gets out, he’s going to burn that and we’ll never speak of it again. For now, I kicked it across the floor to the wall and started picking up bolts, checking them for damage. That done, I checked the sights on the crossbow from when I dropped it earlier. They were fine.

Maintenance of an armory is hard work. Spike got out not long after I finished. He walked in with a smile on his face.

Before he could say anything, I said, “You see that thing over there by the wall?” He turned his head and nodded. “Destroy it. And I mean destroy it, don’t send it to Celestia.”

“Nav… what is that?”

“Let’s just say that it is something that a mare would use on a mare and we’ll leave it at that. I don’t want it anywhere near me.”

He giggled. “Then where did you find it?”

“My quiver. I guess I was planning on shooting it at the next queen that tries to take over.”

He just shook his head as he walked over to it. He picked it up with the tips of his claws, held it up, and turned it into ash.

“Smells terrible. Let’s go.” Out the door we went and down the hall we started. “First stop for me is Rarity, I suppose. It seems everyone wants to fucking talk to me today. If you don’t have anything planned, there’s a party tonight for Chrysalis. Pinkie’s throwing it, and it’ll probably be a hell of a lot more tame than the last few we’ve been to.” I told him when it was.

“I might be there. I don’t think I have anything to do today, but Twilight usually corrects me when I think I have time off.”

“I’m not saying you can’t come with me. You can if you want. There’s just no guarantee at what’ll happen, and you just know Rarity is going to chew us both out for missing rehearsal.”

“We did, didn’t we? Well, I went to the first rehearsal and the second rehearsal when Twilight ruined the first and I went to the actual aborted wedding, so I’m pretty sure I know what to do.”

“Hey, we weren’t the only ones not there. Apparently SA overslept too.”

“Psh. His job is easy; he just shows up and says the magic words. I have to hold a pillow at just the right time!” Spike was the ringbearer. “I heard you had a part in the wedding. What exactly are you going to do there?”

“Yesterday I got told I was going to be giving the bride away. Something about being her guardian or some shit. Seeing as how I’ve made—or help made—Cadance run away in disgust three times in the past two days, I’m not certain if I’ll still be forced to do it.”

“Only three times? Man, you must not be trying hard enough.”

“I’ve only run into her twice.”

“In that case, you’re doing really good! I didn’t even think it was possible for somepony to run from you more than once when they see you.”

“She came back with backup. The backup turned on her. It was fun.”

“You have way too much fun, Nav. We should totally trade lives one day.”

“Okay. You can take my life the next time someone tries to kill me. I’ll sort books any day over being hit with strychnine.”

“What’s strychnine?”

“Fuck if I know. Twilight made me drink that shit and it dissolved most of my organs.”

“That sounds like Twilight, alright. What did you do this time?”

I shrugged. “The usual. Stole Celestia’s crown, paraded it around, ran from Twilight, seduced her when she caught me, and got away almost scot free.”

“That’s the usual? I thought usually you were just rude!”

“Well it’s definitely not the first time I’ve seduced her!” If you count her in heat. “I was markedly more lucky this time, though.”

“How so?”

“Dude, you probably don’t want to know. Twilight’s like, your mom or something.”

“You really get around, don’t you?”

“This wasn’t by choice and it wasn’t very comfortable. Twilight was very amateurish and she took total control. Fucking love poison, man… Avoid that shit like the plague, bro.”

“I wasn’t planning on using it anyway… So you… with Twilight… while she was affected with love poison? Doesn’t that seem wrong to you?”

“Yes. It really, really does. Remember when you saw me and Twilight in the hall with her on top of me?” He nodded. “I asked her to move so I could breathe. She used magic to drag me into my room and held me there. I wasn’t about to say no because I wasn’t going to find out how dangerous magic can get to a distraught lover.”

“That’s really messed up, bro.”

“Blame Molestia.” He cracked up. “Which reminds me, I do need to see her sometime today. Should we go to her first or to Rarity first? Or to one of the rest of the long list of the people that want to see me?”

“I’d prefer the kitchens, actually… But Celestia, if she’ll heal us, sounds best.”

“Celestia, kitchens, Rarity, Fluttershy. Chrysalis and Taya will go sometime in there if we find them. Sounds like a plan.” We started off to the throne room. There wasn’t that much of a line to see her. We just stepped in the queue and waited. It didn’t take long; most people that come to see her for advice or whatever get sent away with ‘use your common sense, dipshit.’

In we went, into the lair of the terrifying Molestia. She actually did look a little flushed, and I looked around to se—Oh God. Why, Spike? In the corner were several… toys. And a mustache.

“Spike, I think now would be a good time to run away.”

“Wh—Oh Celestia.”

“Ahem.” We turned our fearful gazes her way. She did not look amused. “And just what were you two doing last night?”

“I honestly have no clue,” I answered. “I was drugged.”

She went cross-eyed looking at her horn. It didn’t glow. “You have a reprieve.” Her eyes turned to Spike. “And you?”

His eyes darted to me and then back to her. “You’re okay with him getting drugged like that?” Her eyes hardened and her mouth tightened. Spike seemed to sink a little in on himself and he gulped. “I uh… I think I was drugged?” Her horn glowed.

“Holy shit, Spike. You just rose three ranks in the bro-army.” Celestia moved her glare to me and I held up my arms in a placating gesture. “Just sayin’.” To do what he did without being drugged? Damn, man.

Her eyes moved back to Spike. “And how do you think I should explain my sudden new collection of…” She looked at the corner. “I don’t even know what.” She looked back to him. “Well?”

“Uh… Wedding gifts?” I face-palmed. When I looked up, Celestia had a pensive look on her face.

Oh God. Don’t tell me she’s going to… “Very well.” Oh shit she’s really going to. “You may keep them as wedding gifts for the bride. However, they must all be signed as ‘From: Spike and Navarone.’”

“Hey, what did I do?”

“You were stupid enough to go to a… club that tended to clientele with exotic tastes and less than pleasant moralities.” Well… fair enough.

I sighed. As we turned to grab the nasty things, she said, “And don’t worry: Shining Armor has been retrieved. I heard he had to be dragged from bed and was cursing the human the entire time.”

Again, fair enough. Before we left with our disturbing gifts, I said, “I don’t suppose you could heal us?”

She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Get out.” We did.

On the way back to my room to stash the filthy objects, I said, “Well, I still think it was worth it. And we get to give Cadance a mustache and the most fucked up gifts she’ll ever get!”

“Seems like a win-win to me.”

“Do uh… Do you think we should wash them first?” I asked.

We pondered for a minute before we both said, “Nah.”

We got to my room and threw the nasty toys under the bed. He said, “You don’t think she’ll tell Twilight, do you?”

“She being Celestia or she being Cadance?”

“Either.”

“Celestia probably won’t. Cadance… might. If she knows what any of these are, that is. She probably doesn’t; she’s really innocent.”

“Wait, what are these?”

“Tell me you’re kidding.” He looked at me blankly. “Remember that thing I had you burn?”

He nodded and then his eyes opened really wide. “I sent Celestia… sex toys!” His voice squeaked there at the end.

“You sure did, boy-o. Let’s head to the kitchen. We’ll need some boxes or something to put these in. I sure am glad I’m not going to be at the reception; have fun with that.”

He gaped for a moment. “You can’t just leave me there alone! Not with… this!”

“Spike, you see that barrel?” I pointed at it for him to make sure he did. “It is currently full of booze.” I dropped my hand. “When I get done getting knighted, I am going to carry that barrel next door, pop it open, and empty it with Chrysalis. I ain’t going to another namby-pamby pony party if I don’t have to. So yeah: Have fun with that shit. Now let’s go eat.”

He muttered some dark things as we walked to the door. “Wait, you know what? Fuck that, let’s fly,” I said. I dragged him over to the window and picked him up and jumped out. It was a straight shot out my window to the kitchen, a walk which would have taken, like, ten minutes. It took us less than one to fly. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to run into Twilight or Cadance in the halls.”

“What about anypony else?”

“Meh.” In we went. If there was a system of universal justice, Cadance would have been there, with Twilight and Luna. They would have taken one look at me, grabbed me with a spell, and dragged me off to be castrated and/or married.

Thank God there’s no such thing as justice. The kitchen was bustling more than usual, though; with the wedding tomorrow, all the Apples had to prepare the food again. Spike and I grabbed some stuff and got out of dodge.

“I really need to start making the meal times. I’m tired of wandering into the kitchens and grabbing leftovers,” I said.

“Well, you don’t even eat that much,” Spike answered. “I constantly get the short end of the stick because of all the stuff Twilight makes me do.”

“Then stop helping her. I mean, you’re not exactly her slave, are you?”

He muttered some dark words that I didn’t catch before going to town on the stuff he grabbed.

“Onward to Rarity?” I asked.

He sighed, “Onward to Rarity.” We went outside and flew up to her window. I didn’t bother trying to sneak; Spike’s clawed feet don’t do wonders for silence.

I said, “I heard you were loo—”

“YOU!” she shrieked at me. Oh God my head…

“Me?” I asked, pretending to be confused. “What about me?”

She used her magic to rip Spike away from me. “You’re corrupting my sweet Spikey-wikey!” Does no one but me see how big he is? And how much more mature he is? Seriously!

“Rarity, I got drugged last night. I have no idea what happened.”

She glared at me. “Before that!”

“Before that, I was with Chrysalis.”

“After that and before the other party! You know what you did!”

“I’m afraid I don’t,” I said, crossing my arms. “Why don’t you fill me in?”

She sputtered. After a moment, she let out a very frustrated groan. “I don’t know! But Pinkie said it was something no pony would approve of, so I know it’s bad!”

I looked at Spike. He looked at me. “What do you think, Spike? Do you feel corrupted?”

He shrugged. “I’ve felt worse. I don’t know what she’s talking about, though.”

We both turned to Rarity, who was looking at Spike in confusion. He usually sides with everything she says. She quickly turned a glare back at me. “Your armor is done,” she said through grated teeth. “It’s in the barracks.”

“Cool. Spike, you coming with me or staying here?” She turned her gaze back on Spike. I didn’t look at her expression, though. I was still at the window, just looking at him.

After a moment, he said, “Let’s go, Nav.” Hard to get. Nice. He walked up to me and I grabbed him and out we went. The last thing I saw in that room was Rarity’s shocked expression.

While we were in the air, he said, “Have you ever noticed how annoying Rarity is?”

“Oh God yes. There’s a reason I take so many tweaks at her. Honestly I don’t know why she still talks to me.” That’s actually a good question for all of them. I mean, I’m kind of a dick. “Anyway, Fluttershy next.”

She wasn’t in the gardens. She wasn’t in the aviary. “Well, where the hell else would she be?” I asked, ducking out of the door of that smelly as fuck place.

“Don’t look at me,” Spike answered with a shrug. “Probably somewhere in the palace, but I don’t know where.”

“Fuck this. Let’s go get my armor. Maybe we’ll run into someone that can tell us.”

To the barracks we went.

Wait.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Where the fuck is the barracks?”

“I don’t know, dude. I’m following you.”

“Dammit. Let’s find a guard.” We did, and asked for directions. It took five minutes to get an answer from him; he was staring straight ahead without a reaction for some time. I eventually threatened to poke him in the eye and see if he would move then. He told us what we needed and glared at us until we left.

“Well Spike, I think Rarity outdid herself.”

“I gotta agree, man.”

We were in the barracks, looking at the most evil looking armor I have ever seen. “I don’t think this is her original design, though,” I commented as I took a step closer to it and ran my hand over it.

“It isn’t,” the armorer said. “That snobby white unicorn sent the plans down here, but they were awful. I went to Princess Luna herself and asked for suggestions. I built you some real armor based on her suggestions and some of the original designs from that annoying pony. The original design was much too heavy, even with magical augments, and didn’t offer that much protection at all where it was really needed.” He looked me up and down. “Even with your freaky body. This suit will actually keep you alive in battle rather than just look pretty at ceremonies.” He gave a wicked grin. “It’ll still do that too, of course. As long as it’s a ceremony for the night princess, at least; most ponies would be too squeamish to see this baby by day. It’s a shame I won’t be at the wedding; I’d love to see the reactions of those snobby bastards when they see you walk out in this.”

“You know what, so do I. Want to show me how to strap it on?”

“I thought you’d never ask. You’re going to need to remove all your weapons, though; those go on the outside of the armor.”

I started breaking my gear down, removing all of my stuff. He helped me suit up, somehow strapping me in with hooves. “Now, this armor doesn’t mean you’re invincible,” he said as he worked. “I know the princess said you were an experienced fighter, but that you had never fought in armor before. I assume you’ve fought armored troops, though.” At my nod, he continued, “And if you’re standing here, I assume you won. Your best bet in battle is still to not get hit. And with the magical supplements you’ll be getting from the princess, you should be able to move in this stuff like it was just your coat. Or… your clothes, I guess. If you do get hit, do your best to move with the blow. The armor will absorb most of the force, but I’m sure you know it can be pierced.” I nodded again. “If it does get pierced, do your best to eliminate the attacker. Don’t remove the armor or the weapon inside of you until you get to a unicorn or a field medic; I’ve heard stories—secondhand accounts, from stallions on the frontlines—of ponies coming back from battle held together only by their armor and as soon as they take it off, they just break. That doesn’t need to happen to you. Now, try to walk to your friend.”

I lifted my leg and marveled at how light the armor felt. I walked to Spike; it was harder than usual and my balance was way off, but I made it with no real problems.

“Come back over here,” he told me. I went to him. “Put this on.” He handed me a helmet. On it went. “The original design had it so you couldn’t see a thing. The princess liked the design of the helmet and said you’d love it, but a stallion can’t fight if he can’t see. You should be able to see and breathe fine with this. It’s still technically a closed-face helmet, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know my business. Now, there are just two more issues I need your approval on. First, I need your personal crest.”

“I don’t have one,” I answered with a shrug. “Can I pick anything?”

“Well, there’s a long list of things that are currently in use by solar knights. But there hasn’t been a lunar knight since buck if I know when. Say something and I’ll let you know if it’s being used.”

I looked around the room. Dragons are overused and might send the wrong message since they’re real. Weapons are overused. How about a shield? Nah, that’s retarded. I looked down. I grinned and pulled off my gauntlet. “How about a hand?”

He grinned. “That’s never been used before. Might be because there ain’t never been a whatever you are before. What color?”

“Red. As dark and evil a red as you can make it.”

“You got it. The other issue: What do you want to do with your wings? The princess said you can’t fold them against you properly, so they’d be a real liability in a large battle.”

“Can you make armor for them?”

He rubbed a hoof on his chin, thinking. “Hold on.” He went into the other room.

“Well Spike? What do you think?”

“Nav… You’re terrifying right now. It’s awesome!”

“Good. I miss having everyone cringe in fear when I walked past. Now they’ll have reason to again!”

“Okay, that’s kinda creepy…”

The armorer walked in. “Bend down a bit.” I did and fell on my face. “A bit too much, actually. But this’ll do. Hold your wings out.” I stretched them for him. “Hm. No, that won’t work. Alright, you want my professional advice? Learn to fold your buckin’ wings. There’s nothing I can do for you. Now, let’s see if you can get up.”

I pulled my wings in and bent my arms down to push. I didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

“Lesson whatever we’re on about armor use: You won’t have the full range of motion you usually do while you’re wearing all of it. For a pony, that wouldn’t matter as much. For someone like you, it will. Can you get up?”

“Gimme a minute.” I found a position in which I was able to push. I shot my wings out and gave myself as much of a lift as I could as I pushed, propelling me up. I overshot it and landed on my ass with a massive clunk.

“Lesson whatever we’re on plus one: Your balance is gonna be bucked up. Though I thought you’d already know that.” I pushed myself to my feet. “Alright, I have a suggestion for you, but you don’t have to take it if you don’t want to: Spend the day in your armor. Get used to moving in it like it is now, because it’ll help you adjust much faster when you get the enchantments. You’ll be used to your new range of motions and since you’re moving slower right now, you won’t find you can’t move a certain way until you’ve moved so quickly that you hurt yourself.”

“That seems like a good idea, actually. What can I do with my helmet, or do I need to leave it on?”

“Take it off, I’ll show you where to put it.” I did. He slid it on a hook on my belt. “A neat idea, I thought. Now, let’s start getting your weapons on you.”

It was a simple task to transfer everything from my tool belt to my armor belt. It was harder to find where to put everything. The helmet hook was on my right side, since the armorer expected me to be wearing the sword on my hip. I put the quiver on my left hip. The sword went on my back, of course. I strapped the throwing knives to myself as always, though I had to forgo the ones that go up my sleeves; I left them there, under the armor. The two knives hidden around my thighs went around my lower legs, in plain sight. The naga dagger was strapped on my belt in such a way that it hung sideways on my lower back for a quick and easy draw with my left hand. The crossbow, as always, went over my shoulder.

“Can you grab everything alright?” he asked me. I reached for my sword and was able to pull it free effortlessly. I gave it a few swings and put it away. I reached with my left hand and pulled out the dagger. I tossed it from hand to hand and slid it back. I bent down to my legs and drew each one and tested them and slid them back. I reached into my belt and drew two knives and threw them both into what looked like a dartboard, scoring fairly high and earning a small applause. I unslung my crossbow, drew a bolt, and hit dead center, popping a hole through the board and into the wooden wall. “Hey, can you leave that one there? It looks pretty cool.” I shrugged as I slung the crossbow and grabbed the knives.

“So why did you need to know my crest?” I asked as I slid the knives back into their compartments.

“Hold still. I need to put it on your pauldrons.” His horn glowed and I felt a heat in my shoulders as a red hand seemed to melt into the steel. “That what you wanted?”

“You got a mirror?”

“Does this look like a buckin’ changin’ room to you?”

I looked around and saw a lot of spare armor and a few things that looked like pony shirts. “…Yes?”

“Smartass. It’s in the other room, hold on.” He went over there and came out with a body-sized mirror. A pony’s body-sized mirror, rather. He angled it so I could see myself.

I whistled softly. “Damn. Fluttershy’s gonna piss herself when she sees me.” The closest thing to the human equivalent I could think of would be the armor from a game called Overlord. All of the images were replaced with pony symbols, aside from the hands on my shoulders. The helmet was different, as it didn’t have any of the spikes on the top, but that was pretty much it. “Yes. Yes, I think this will do nicely.”

“Good! If it ever gets dented, any blacksmith should be able to pop it out. If it gets pierced or cut, though, you’ll need to find a real blacksmith, or come back here. Just make sure that doesn’t happen by not getting hit.”

“I’ll do my damndest. If this wasn’t free, how much would it cost?”

He thought for a moment. “A few hundred bits. You could probably buy a house with the money you’d spend on it.”

“Nice. Anything else I should know?”

He went through the long and boring process of how to clean it. Spike was too interested in how I looked to pay attention through that, and I only forced myself to listen because I knew corroded armor would get me killed.

Thankfully, we got out of there fairly quickly. “So where are we going to get some boxes?” Spike asked.

“Fuck boxes. My head still hurts. I’m going back to Celestia and getting her to lighten my load and hopefully cure my damn headache.”

“Shouldn’t you wait to get used to it first?”

“Oh yeah. That. Fuck. So let’s find… Chrysalis and Taya. I’m sure one of them can heal us. Boxes will still be a problem, but I’m sure we can ask any random servant about that.” Wait. “Spike, what time is it?”

“How should I know?”

I looked up and saw the relative position of the sun. Around time for the party. “Good news: I know where they all should be. Let’s go to the party.”

“Dressed like that?”

“Hell yeah. Dude, do you know how awesome this feels?” He shrugged. “I feel like I could actually take a kick in the chest from a pony right now and not feel it. As soon as I picked myself up off the ground, that is.” We started heading that way.

He grabbed one of my wings and gave it a bit of a tug. “You aren’t invincible, remember that.”

I pulled my wing back. “If you remember anything about last night, you know what that does to me. But yeah, I know I’m not. Here’s hoping nothing goes too wrong, eh?”

“Yeah, you’re too fun to have around. And you keep me supplied in bits; that party last night was paid for by you.”

“…dick.” We were in the halls now, and I heard my footsteps clunking on the ground. Every pony we saw flinched when they saw me, and a few of the servants actually ran away, but thankfully none of them were screaming. I couldn’t help but smile, doing my best to show off my canines.

Of course, given that most of these servants also just saw—or heard about—me walk into the palace soaked in sex fluids or whatever that was, the effect was quite lessened. A few of them snickered at me as I passed, when they realized who I was. A few of the females playfully tugged my wings. Okay, whatever is causing this really needs to stop. I had my fun, this is getting old.

With all of that, I increased my pace quite a few times until Spike was nearly running to keep up. I was afraid to try to pick him up while I was wearing armor, so I had to slow down a little. We were both a bit short breathed when we got to the party that was already underway.

Chapter Thirty-Six—Parties, weddings, and dreams

Chapter Thirty-Six—Parties, weddings, and dreams

As soon as we stepped inside, I swear to God the music scratched and everyone looked up at me, gaping.

I nodded. “Sup?”

Taya was the first to react, galloping over to me from Chrysalis and hugging my leg. I knelt down and pulled her against my metal carapace, which was enough to break the silence and some people returned back to conversations.

I said into her hair, “Sorry for not coming back last night. Some bad shit went down and I got stuck.”

“I know. Pinkie told me.” I looked up and saw Pinkie watching me. I gave her a small nod. She went back to partying.

“Can you heal me and Spike?” My head instantly felt better. I grabbed Spike and pulled him over and she healed him too. “Thanks.” I let her go and stood up. “Spike, mingle or do whatever. If you want to come with me when I leave, you probably can.” He nodded and went over to the food table. Typical. “Did I miss anything, Taya?”

“Nothing big. A lot of people are looking for you, though.”

“I’ve dealt with a few of them. Sorry I couldn’t find you sooner; I looked, I promise you. I even knocked Doppel the fuck out and left you a message in her.”

She smiled. “We found it. I don’t remember it mentioning anything about a fight, though.”

“It didn’t; I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I suppose she’s still out cold?” Taya nodded. “Serves her right. She punched me in the face with one of her hooves. That shit hurts.”

We walked up to Chrysalis, who was standing about as far away from the food table as she could and not be conspicuous about it. “Sorry for leaving you with Taya again. I got drugged because I’m stupid and trusted someone.”

“Navarone, has anypony ever told you that you can be really dense?”

“Yeah. I get that a lot. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure I got laid. Thirty times. I don’t actually remember… anything from the point where I left the bar.”

“It really does not make me feel any better. I see you found your armor.” She reached a hoof up and tapped it on my chest. “I approve, though I think the symbol would be a lot nicer if it was mine.”

I shrugged, which was hard to notice in the armor. “There wasn’t much of a choice. The only bit of this armor I really got to choose was this here,” I said, pointing to my shoulders. “No one in this world will get the refere—”

“The Band of the Red Hoof?” she asked, looking at them curiously. “Red hand, I suppose, in your case. I’ve heard legends, but they’re just that: Legends. I’m surprised you’ve heard of them.”

“I’m just as surprised that you have. The Band is from a book series back in my world. I swear this place freaks me out with all its similarities.”

She shrugged. “I don’t suppose I could bother you for a light snack? No pony here seems to desire to help sustain me.”

“Go ahead. What are you in the mood for?”

She licked her lips. “I want to earn it. Prepare your mind!” I had just enough time to clear my mind when her horn glowed.

“Don’t take anything I don’t want you to have,” I said, trying to keep things down.

“I know you well enough, Navarone. Let me see…” She hummed lightly as she dug, a small smile showing off her fangs. “Nothing here is ever where I leave it… You are quite rude to your own mind, Navar—What’s this?” She paused. “No, that is not for me.” More humming and her smile grew wider. “There.” Her horn stopped glowing. “I bet you don’t even know what I took.”

“I don’t. I believe I trust you.” I looked around and noticed that we were the center of attention again. I said aloud, “Two ponies walked into a bar. The third one ducked.” There was a chorus of groans at the bad joke as everyone turned back to what they were doing.

Chrysalis just shook her head. “Oh, yes. I needed to tell you something. I will be unable to keep our… arrangement tomorrow night. My presence has been requested somewhere else and I am unable to avoid the obligation.”

“Damn. I’ll save you some alcohol then, and you can drink it when you get out of this depressing place. It won’t be the first time I’ve gotten plastered alone.”

She smiled at that. “Just be careful, Navarone.”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie! “You two already know each other! Quit hogging her, Nav.”

“Pinkamena—”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

“There is not exactly a queue lined up to talk to me right now. What harm is there in letting Navarone and I have a conversation?”

“Well of course there’s not a queue! Nav’s scaring them away with his creepy armor.” She turned her eyes on me. “Shoo! Go talk to Fluttershy or Twilight, they both wanted to talk to you.” She turned predatory eyes on Chrysalis. “Let me introduce you to everypony!” Chrysalis had time to look scared before she was pulled off by Pinkie.

Her spot was immediately taken by Rainbow Dash. “Lookin’ good, Nav! Love the new duds!” She held out her hoof and I met it. “Nice! I bet you can finally do a real bro-hoof!”

“Wait, what?”

She rolled her eyes. “Ever since you got here, Twilight warned us to be gentle with you with our hooves. She said your skin was a lot more sensitive than a pony’s coat or hoof. But wearing that thing, I bet you can finally take a kick! Now put your hand up again.” I did, and she punched it for all she was worth and immediately brought her hoof back with a sharp yelp of pain that she tried to mask as a nervous laugh. “Yeah,” she said in a pained voice, “you’ll do. I uh… I gotta go.” I saw her go to the kitchen doors, probably to put her hoof in some ice or something.

I looked down at my fist. I barely felt that. I grinned and finally looked up around the party to see who was in attendance. Twilight and all of her friends, of course. I saw Cadance, and I later found out that the new rehearsal would be right after the party. They were planning to do another one because the groom was gone during the first one and they didn’t have the guy to give away the bride either. And the knighting rehearsal was right after that, since that was around the time Luna usually gets up anyway.

Anyway, the party. Two ponies I wanted to avoid and one that wanted me for some reason. Taya and I went over to Fluttershy, though I saw Twilight angling her way to me before I got there. “I heard you were looking for me,” I said to Fluttershy.

I heard her audibly gulp when she turned to look at me. Her eyes took in my armor from the bottom to the top. I saw her eyes widen when they got to my shoulders. She looked like she was actually about to piss herself, like I predicted earlier.

“Fluttershy, are you okay?” I asked. I was actually somewhat concerned. Her eyes were still looking at my armor. “Fluttershy!” She jerked her gaze up. “It’s me.” I tapped my breastplate with my gauntlets. “This is my armor. Relax.” It took her a few seconds, but she slowly calmed down. “Now, what did you need?”

“I… I heard you had some alcohol here,” she said.

“That’s true. Are you interested in getting drunk? Chrysalis just bowed out on me and I need a partner tomorrow night.” Her eyes went wide again and she took a step back. “No, Fluttershy. We would just drink. We wouldn’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Um… No thanks. I wanted some of it for a different purpose… Do you remember how you said it was used as an anesthetic?”

“I don’t remember saying that, but it’s true. The stuff I have in my room is strong enough to preserve a body with, if you were interested in that.” Her eyes widened even more.

“C-c-c-could I h-h-h-have some?” she squeaked.

“Leave me at least half the barrel. You can go up there and take what you need whenever, though I can’t promise there’s going to be much left after tomorrow night.” She squeaked a response and darted away. “Taya, am I really that scary?” I asked, turning to her.

“You’re not scary to me. I know you would never hurt me.”

“Yeah, but Fluttershy knows I would never hurt her either. Or at least, she should know that. I don’t hurt the weak and helpless unless they deserve it.”

“The same couldn’t be said of me,” I heard Twilight say, and I turned so fast I almost slid to the ground in my new armor. My dagger was in my hand in an instant and a throwing knife in the other. She didn’t react. “Or at least, that’s what you seem to think.”

I noticed I had picked up quite a few stares again and I slipped the dagger away but tucked the throwing knife up into my hand, which was harder to do while wearing a gauntlet. “That depends on the given definition of weak and helpless,” I said. “Given that your weapon of choice is magic and I have no defense against that, then I suppose you do like terrorizing the weak and helpless.”

“But it doesn’t all hurt. Or so I heard.” I saw her horn glow and she did something to my wings that felt too good. She quickly stopped. “I don’t suppose you would know anything about that, would you?”

I stepped in closer to her so I wouldn’t have to talk as loud. “You were drugged. You dragged me into my room against my will and I was afraid for my physical safety to deny you. I’m not proud of it, but I honestly thought you might have hurt me if I tried to stop you.”

I heard her grinding her teeth together. “You’re going to help me get back at Celestia. Somehow. She’s done some strange stuff in the past, Nav, but this… This was actually wrong.”

“Well… Spike and I did send her some really strange stuff on accident last night. But she punished us—sort of—for that. If you can come up with a good plan that wouldn’t end up with us in the brig, I’m in.”

She smiled. Frankly, I was somewhat terrified of that smile. “For what she did, I’ll put my all into it. I’ve always wanted to prank her back. I think I know just what to do. Give me a few months to check and double check and finalize preparations.”

I looked at her in concern. “Twilight, don’t take this too far. And at the same time, make sure you take this far enough to make it worth it; don’t you dare spend all that time and just end up hiding the soap in her bathtub.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make this well worth it. Just be ready.”

“As ever. Is there anything that I need to know before I disappear?”

“The rehearsals are after this. For the wedding and the knighting ceremony. You need to be there, of course. Since, you know, you weren’t there this morning. Where were you two?!” Oh yeah, now she freaks about it.

“Sleepover,” I answered. “It was kind of sudden, and I wasn’t expecting us to be late.” I shrugged. “Spike really wanted to stay, and I wasn’t about to leave him there alone.”

“Uh huh. And the rumors I heard about you coming back today carrying him over your shoulder and smelling like… like…” She shuddered.

“Twilight, I have done some really weird—and stupid—shit this week. Based on all of that, are you really surprised there are some strange rumors going around about me?”

“Fine. But tell me next time! I don’t like not knowing where Spike is at his age.” I wish she understood why I found that funny, but I wasn’t about to point it out if Spike wasn’t ready or willing to. “Also, what did you do to my brother? Apparently he woke up cursing your name.”

“I made sure he slept in a home away from Cadance last night. It’s a tradition back where I’m from, to make sure the bride and groom aren’t together too much in the week before the wedding. I know traditions are sometimes silly, but they were asking me about some of my people’s wedding traditions last night.” I shrugged, again barely noticeable. “I hope he wasn’t too distraught.”

“I see. I was worried that you had… Well, never mind.” Twilight’s an idiot. Although technically, nothing I said was actually a lie. “I’ll talk to you later, Nav. And...” she sighed. “Never mind.” With that, she walked off.

“Can I see you in your helmet?” Taya asked.

I slid it off the hook and over my head. Suddenly Pinkie! “Ooh ooh! Now do an evil laugh!”

“You know what… It has been a long, long time since I did that. Hold on.” I pulled my sword out and cleared my throat. I made sure no one was in the way, reached in deep, and pulled out the most evil laugh that any of the ponies had ever—or would ever—hear. It was actually a talent of mine, back in the day, and it was something I practiced.

Do you remember how I said before that the music scratched when I walked in and how everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up?

You could hear a pin drop, aside from Fluttershy’s legs scrabbling against the floor trying to get her deeper under a table that was too low to fit her. I slipped my sword in its scabbard and pulled my helmet off and put it onto its hook as everyone stared. After a moment I pointed at Pinkie and said, “She asked me to.” Their eyes all moved to Pinkie, who had now started to wear a smile that I personally found horrifying.

“I have a great idea!” she said. And I thought her smile was horrifying… ‘Great’ ideas from Pinkie usually do not end well.

“Not interested,” I answered.

“But you didn’t even hear it yet…” She pouted. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a Pinkie pout, but they are more effective than Applebloom puppy dog faces. Pinkie’s eyes get large and watery and her entire face seems to contort in a way that just says ‘sad.’

“Still not interested,” I answered her.

“Please?”

“Taya, can you beat her cuteness with your own?”

Taya took one look at her and swished her tail. That was a universal sign among mares of either ‘nope’ or ‘come and get it,’ and it’s only the second one if they leave it swished.

“You can tell me later, Pinkie. Now go party; I think you’ve earned it.” And just like that, her pout disappeared and she went with it, off to make sure someone was happy. We had an agreement of sorts at her parties that was hard-forged over a few years: She left me the fuck alone if I bothered showing up. If I didn’t show up, she was free to complain or bug me as much as she wanted about it.

“Do you know how to tell the truth, Nav?” Cadance asked as she snuck up behind me.

“Yes,” I answered, turning to face her. “You want to go four for three? I bet if I worked hard enough, I could get you to run away again.”

She blushed. “No thank you. I just… wanted to apologize for trying to make you talk about something you clearly didn’t want to. And I wanted to thank you for keeping me safe and for helping keep me sane. And for participating in my wedding, even though you clearly don’t want to.”

“Don’t worry about it. Keeping you safe and sane is my job and you talking to me about love is your job. Even if I hate it. Just stop bothering me; it is not my way to deal with my problems in any way you would think, as I’m sure you quickly found.” I smiled. “Did you ever manage to wash the smell out of your nostrils?”

“Nav, I’m not going to judge… but what was that smell? Honestly, what was it?”

“Promise me you won’t be sick and you won’t tell anyone and I’ll tell you what I think it was.” She bit her lower lip, but nodded. I pulled her head in close and whispered my thoughts into her ear. When I let her go she had her eyes closed and she looked like she was going to be sick. “Cadance, I’m not going to lie: I got drugged last night. I was not in control of my actions at all. I’ll admit that I’ve done some questionable things in the past, but I would never willingly participate in whatever happened last night.”

“You got drugged?!” she whispered fiercely at me, her eyes going wide. “You should have told Shining Armor! He’d arrest the ponies that did it, no questions asked!”

“Cadance, if you think that was the worst thing that happened to me in my time in Equestria, you don’t know a damn thing. Last night was pretty tame compared to some things I’ve been forced into in the past. I spared you some tales in the caves because I knew you wouldn’t want to hear them. Last night was my punishment for trusting a mare I just met.” Though apparently it wasn’t her fault. I might stop by real quick after the knighting ceremony to talk to her. And maybe she could help me out of my armor…

“Nav, what they did was illegal! They should be in jail for that!”

I shrugged. “The only thing they hurt on me was my pride. Well, hurt long-term. And even then, given that I was literally coated in whatever that stuff was, I don’t think my pride was hurt any. I probably gained quite a reputation for that.”

“Why would anypony want that kind of reputation?”

“You don’t get out much. Let’s just say it has uses that your innocent mind has no need of.”

She sighed. “I said I wouldn’t talk to you about it. I’ll see you later, Nav.” I nodded and off she went.

I turned back to talk to Taya but found myself facing yet another unicorn. “That’s not my armor,” Rarity said with an extremely disapproving tone.

“Yeah, it’s my armor,” I answered. “I thought we already knew that.”

“That’s not my design, Nav! Do you know how long I worked on that?”

“Yes. Yes I do. To the exact millisecond. That is how much I pay attention to your marvelous work, Rarity.”

She was not amused. “A long time, that’s how long! Why did you go against it if that’s what you chose?”

“It wasn’t me, it was the armorer. Take it up with him.”

She grit her teeth. “I think I will.” She looked me up and down one more time before visibly relaxing a bit. “Although… It does look really nice. And the handprints are a nice touch. Hm… Put on your helmet for me.” I did. “Now spin around.” I looked at her. “Ugh. Please.” I did. “Hm. Maybe I should offer a deal to this armorer. I might have to talk to him soon.” I pulled the helmet off and stuck it back on my belt. “Ooh, that’s a nice touch. That armorer fellow knows his business. Can you take it off easily?”

“And just what are you proposing, Rarity?”

“Oh ha ha, Nav. I know about your shameful activities these past few days. We shall have a talk about your behavior when we return to Ponyville, and the only reason we aren’t having it now is because I think it will take us a while.”

“You know I was drugged last night, right? I didn’t have control over any of my actions.”

“I don’t think you would have been where you were unless you were willing to do what you did, though.”

“Now that is only kind of true. Some of it, sure, I’ll grant you that. But if you had seen—or smelled—me as I walked into the palace this morning, you would know that this was terrible even for me.”

“I see. And why was Spike there?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t know what was going to happen when he came along with me. I was going to drag him away when the party started winding down, but then I got drugged and it all went to hell.”

“Uh huh. And he would agree with that statement?”

He better. “He didn’t know I was going to drag him away, no. He wanted to stay the entire time. I guess he got to.”

“That is still highly irresponsible, Nav.”

“Yeah. It was. I never denied it. Something bad could have happened. As far as I can tell, nothing bad did happen. I’m biologically incompatible with pony diseases and I’ve yet to see any indication that Spike can get sick either. And I’d be hard pressed to believe that Canterlot has any muggers, so I didn’t think we’d get rolled. Still, something bad could have happened. It didn’t, though. Now I just know not to take drinks that are on the house.”

“I don’t know what a lot of those words were, or at least not how you used them. I’m going to assume they are bad things, in which case you are correct: Canterlot does not have much of a crime rate.”

“Opposite of my home. Where I come from our nation’s capital has an incredibly high crime rate.” She grimaced. “But enough of that. As it turns out, I can’t get my knighthood voided for breaking my armor.”

“Are you sure? All the stories I’ve ever heard have that loophole there…”

“Those are stories. I had Spike look it up for me. Turns out the only way to get voided is to commit a serious crime like murder or something. You got any advice on how I can do that and not end up arrested for it?”

“Nav, I’ve already apologized as much as I could for that!”

“I wasn’t making a jibe, Rarity. I was being serious. How can I commit murder and not get arrested but still lose my knighthood?”

She put her hoof on my chest with a clink. She looked at it for a moment and then removed her hoof. She used magic to pull me closer to her and then slapped me in the face. “Stop it.” She let me go and I leaned up, rubbing my face.

“Fucking cunt,” I said, loud enough that she could definitely hear me. I don’t think she knew what that word meant, but she huffed all the same. “Rarity, that is the second time you slapped me. With your hoof, at least. You do it again and Imma slap you back. And I won’t take my gauntlet off first, either. You damn ponies always tell me that I shouldn’t be so violent, and yet here you are slapping my shit. How do you justify that?”

“You seem to only learn your lessons when pain is applied. I saw no other recourse.”

“Rarity, if that was true, I would never have sex again. I just don’t learn my lessons period, pain or no pain.”

“I see. Well, I shall not cease in my efforts to turn you into a gentlecolt. You are going to be a knight now, and you must learn your manners!”

“I have manners. I just don’t use them. If I ever ended up around any ponies with rods up their asses, I might start, but most of the ponies I’ve met have been pretty chill.”

“If you say you can have manners, you should demonstrate them one day! We could even turn it into a competition, if you would be interested.”

“Alright. Tell you what: One day in Ponyville, we can trade jobs. I can be the polite and generous human and you can be whatever you think my personality is like. We can let one or two of our friends judge us. And just to be fair, because I know you have a real job, we can do it on a day you have off so you don’t lose any business. Think of a prize or something for the winner.”

“That does sound… intriguing. And I’m sure it would give you a very detailed look at how everypony views how you act.”

“No, it’ll give me an insight to see how you think I act. I already know you think I’m generally barbaric, rude, overly direct, crude, and a few other mean things. Oh, and I’ll have to add one caveat to the competition: If something big happens, the game gets postponed; I’ll not have something attack the town and me be forced to fight with honor because I don’t want to lose.”

“That seems fair. I’d hate to force Twilight to heal you because you don’t know how to actually fight since you win all your battles by cheating.”

“Damn straight, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t have to worry as much about getting hurt if you kill your enemy before they know you’re fighting.”

She rolled her eyes. “You really don’t have any manners, talking about killing at a party!” She shook her head. “I think we’ll have to talk later, Nav. And don’t you go about avoiding me like you have been Luna and Twilight!” With that, she walked away.

I blinked at what she said, though. I’m avoiding Luna? I turned to Taya, who had a plate half full of food in front of her. “Have I been avoiding Luna?”

She chewed and swallowed. “If you haven’t been, you’ve been doing a good job disguising it.” She went back to the food.

“I’ve only been awake in the palace for one night. It’s not my fault she sleeps during the day. Do you know if she’s awake right now?” Taya shrugged. I looked around the party. No one else seemed that interested in talking to me. “Fuck this. I’m going to be there when she wakes up. Actually, is that creepy?” She nodded. “Eh, fair enough. I can talk to her after the knighting practice; I’m not planning on disappearing tonight. Anyway, do you like the armor?”

“Is it going to stop you from getting hurt?”

“It’s going to help protect me, but it’s probably not going to completely stop everything.”

“Then yes, I like it. I wonder if I could… I’ll have to look some spells up, but I bet I can increase the strength of the metal.”

“If you can, by all means. Just don’t accidentally destroy it; turns out that would be pointless.”

“I’ll be careful. Is it heavy?”

“It’s unbalancing but not wholly heavy. Luna is supposed to give me some manner of enchantment or something to make it lighter. I’m actually going to be her first knight in quite a while. I wonder what all it will entail…” Taya shrugged. “I’m sure I’ve done worse.” If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s to never tempt fate. I just wish that I’d remember that sometimes. “Well, you got any suggestions for things to do?”

“We’re at a party.”

I looked around for a moment before turning back to Taya. “If you feel like playing any of these filly games, by all means. I’ll watch you have fun.” She grimaced at that. “That’s what I thought. I actually do have some stuff to do… Do you know where I can get a bunch of boxes?”

“I bet Applejack knows. She had to use a lot of boxes for all the food supplies she’s been bringing in.”

I looked around and spotted her among a group of ponies. It can wait. I looked around again and sighed. Fuck it, I don’t want to be here anymore. I walked up to Applejack’s small group full of mostly Apple family members. “Hey AJ,” two of them looked up, one of them being Applejack, “do you know where I can get some empty boxes that won’t be missed?” The other one that looked up when I said AJ looked back to the group. I saw that his flank had a glass of juice on it.

“We got a bunch of them in the kitchen. You’re welcome to what you need.”

“Thanks.” I nodded and went off to find Spike. He was talking to Twilight and Cadance. Figures. I went to bail him out. “Hey Spike, we need to do that thing for Celestia.”

He looked confused for a moment before grinning. “Oh yeah! We do need to do that, and now would be a pretty good time.” He turned to the mares. “Sorry ladies, but when the princess calls…”

“But you two need to be there for the practice!” Twilight said.

“Then send someone to come get us,” I answered. “We’ll be in my room. Just have them knock first.”

“Oh no. You’re not going to make us all wait!” Twilight said, somewhat angry. “Do you know how long we waited on you guys earlier?”

“Yes. Yes I do,” I replied. What is it with me and answering rhetorical questions? “I don’t know what your concern with waiting is since you know people that can fucking teleport. Come on, Spike.” He fell into step behind me as I walked toward the kitchen. I think I heard some very dark mutterings from Twilight and some lighter ones from Cadance.

“So where are we getting the boxes?” Spike asked when we were away from there.

“The kitchen.” I pushed the door open and in we went. Taya was apparently still following me. “So Spike, one big box or a few small ones?”

“The mustache needs its own box. The others can all go in one big one.”

“Works for me. And you know what we’re going to do?” He looked at me. “We’re going to follow Celestia’s instructions, but we’re going to add a note of our own in the box. I’m not dealing with the fallout from this, hell no.”

“I like that idea.”

“So what are we doing again?” Taya asked.

“Spike and I are getting punished for being idiots last night. Celestia’s punishments get really weird when she’s in heat. I’m never visiting the palace again when she gets like this.”

“So what did happen last night? I heard some of the servants talking about some strange things.”

“I can honestly say I don’t know,” I answered. “And you don’t need to know. I didn’t get hurt, aside from a bit of soreness from sleeping oddly.” At least, I hope it was from sleeping oddly.

By that time, we had found the boxes we needed and were heading on up to my room. “Taya,” I said, “I’m not really certain you should see what we’re going to be doing in a few minutes. It’s kind of… well, fucked up.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Whatever. I warned you. Don’t go telling everyone I’m a bad dad or guardian or whatever because I’m giving you choices instead of telling you what to do.”

“You can tell me what to do if you want. But I really don’t want to have to start disobeying.”

“You’re way too much like me at that age. Well, at whatever age you are.”

“So are you saying that I’ll turn out like you?”

“Oh God, I hope not. I’d know that I failed as a parent if you turned out as horrible as me.”

“The next time you call yourself horrible, I’m throwing you on the floor,” she warned. “Calling yourself bad counts for that too.”

“What if I call myself that when you’re not around? And will you help me get up?”

“I’ll find you. And maybe.”

“Hm. I think I’ll wait until I’m out of my armor to test it.” We walked in silence for a bit. “Actually, hold on.” I slowly lowered myself to the floor, on my stomach. “I’m a bad person.”

I saw an orange glow pick me up about three feet and drop me to the floor with a really loud clatter. It didn’t hurt, thankfully. I pushed myself up and we continued on our way.

A few feet further down the hall, I asked, “So that was just a one-time thing, right? If I tell the truth like th—” I fell as magic clutched my legs. I hit the ground with another clatter.

“That counts,” she said as I achingly picked myself up. Spike giggled.

“What if someone else says it?” I asked as we started moving again.

“Then I fully expect you to hurt them for lying and defaming your good name.”

I sighed. “Spike, I’ve created a monster.”

“Well, that’s what you get for being a bad person.”

After a moment Taya said, “Well?”

“Well what?” we both asked.

“Aren’t you going to hurt him for lying and defaming your good name?”

Spike and I looked at each other. I pulled my gauntlet off and lightly cuffed him in the back of the head. He rubbed it as we continued in silence and I put my gauntlet back on.

“I wonder how much that suit reflects heat,” Spike mused.

“We’re not going to find out while I’m in it,” I answered. “We can put some popcorn or something in it when I get out and let you heat it up. Assuming you clean the grease out yourself, that is.”

“…I think I’ll pass.”

“For someone who is basically Twilight’s slave, you’re really lazy.”

“Well, I’m getting pretty tired of being shackled to her. At this point, I think I’m with her just because I think it’s more likely I’ll get my wings here than anywhere else.”

“You know damn well I’ll miss you when you’re gone, because it’ll mean I’ll have to stay here with no one but Taya for company. If you bail, I’ll probably get a house of my own, or just move to Canterlot. I’m tired of living with a murderer.”

“Then how do you live with yourself?” I heard an unexpected voice ask.

“I do my best to not pay attention, Luna. You really need to temper your sister. She’s done some pretty fucked up stuff this week.”

She grimaced. “So I’ve heard. Twilight has talked to me about some of it, and you are correct. It gets like this every time she goes into heat, but it’s so rare that there are so many ponies in the castle for her to toy with.”

“Right now, Spike and I are going to wrap sex toys that we’ve been ordered to give Cadance for her wedding.”

That stopped Luna. “What.”

“Well, you may have heard what happened last night. I got drugged and Spike was drunk off his ass. Between the two of us, we ended up sending Celestia something like fifteen sex toys through Spike’s magic. I don’t know if she woke up every time we sent them, but I know she was kind of pissed when we saw her earlier today.”

“While humorous, that is very concerning. Don’t give those nasty things to Cadance. If you tell me where they are, I’ll take care of them.”

“My room, under my bed. I’ll just have Spike destroy them. Saves you from having to wander around with them.”

“No, I will deal with them, in case Celestia asks what happened. Thank you for telling me this, Nav. Now, under what circumstances were you drugged?”

“Spike and I left the bachelor party last night for a wilder party. The bartender gave us both drinks on the house. Mine was drugged.”

“I see. And the name of this bar? And the name of the bartender?” Her tone was icy.

“I honestly don’t remember. I don’t remember anything after the bachelor party. And Spike was too drunk to catch it.” Hint hint, Spike. As it turns out, that was actually true. Or at least, he was smart enough to catch the hint.

“I see.” Oh man, I felt like I should be shivering in my armor from her tone. “Navarone, we have things to discuss.” She looked at Taya and Spike. “Alone, I believe would be best.”

“Go on back to the party, you two. We’ll be there at the rehearsal, probably. And if not, blame the space goblins.”

“…Space goblins?” Spike asked.

“Yes. Now go on.” They went, Spike shaking his head and Taya looking back a few times. I turned back to Luna and said, “I fucked up big time this week, didn’t I?”

She sighed. “Come on, Nav.” We continued walking. What am I going to do with this box? I casually chucked it down the first staircase we passed. Luna didn’t comment. “The only real mistake you made was allowing Chrysalis anywhere near your mind. Everything since then has been a consequence of that. However, what you did kicked the door open for Celestia and me to begin negotiations with her. So I suppose you did your job as a knight well, even before you were knighted.”

“Do you really think that forgives the way I’ve been acting? I’ve done some really strange stuff this week, Luna.”

“Shining Armor has been… off… as well, Nav. More free and wild than he usually is. You just haven’t noticed because you haven’t been around him. We think it’s a side effect of what Chrysalis did. And there’s also the fact that you’re a human rather than a pony. Chrysalis mentioned how your memories alone taste about as good as raw emotions. There have barely been any tests done between her kind and ours, so we have no idea what she might do to a human.”

“That makes me feel a little better, I suppose. What did you want to talk about?”

“What will happen tomorrow. You are going to get several physical changes automatically, upon me knighting you. All of them are reversible should you later decide you don’t like them. I just don’t want you to be surprised by them. They shouldn’t be painful, but some of them will be jarring.”

“What can I expect?”

“I know your eyes will turn dragon-like, so you are able to see in the dark. Your wings will turn bat-like, like my guards. Your skin will turn darker. Your armor will also grow lighter. Those are all the changes that appeared to ponies that took my colors. But… I don’t know about a human. My changes usually made ponies appear more fearsome, so be prepared for anything.”

“Alright. I’ll want my wings and skin turned back. The eyes will be okay.”

She sighed. “The ponies of old seldom kept my gifts either.” Well, get some better fucking gifts.

“It would take forever to explain the significance of skin color to humans, so you’re not winning that argument. I can keep the bat wings for a week, if you want me to try them out. Not having to preen or molt will be nice, admittedly. Do you know if they’ll have the same… Well, sensitivity, as my wings now?”

She blushed lightly. “They should. I’ve never… Never tested them. And none of my knights of old ever told me.”

“I’ll figure it out. I can let you know if you want. I know I’ve liked having wings at all, despite how much I hated them when I got them.” I stretched them out, marveling slightly at the feel. “Something every human on my planet ever dreamed of, and I wanted them gone immediately. They’re nice, I can say that.” I pulled them back in. “Soft, too.”

She grinned at that. “Nav… are you doing anything tomorrow night after the wedding?”

“I’m getting knighted after the wedding.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I was planning on going to my room and getting very, very drunk.”

“Nav, that’s not healthy!”

“And I never wanted to be a knight. I want to do this so I get so drunk that I do something stupid enough to get my knighthood revoked.”

“I’m not going to let you do that to yourself, Nav.”

“What did you have in mind to stop me? Dinner? We can go out if you want.”

She caught her breath. “Of cou—No. As my only knight, you have a very important job, a job that I have been looking forward to dealing with for a long time.” She sounded excited with her initial outburst, but that excitement died down and then slowly built up a bit. “You see, it is not only my job to bring up the moon.” Yeah, right. “I also have some manner of control over dreams. I can, at the very least, see into them. But doing so requires an object of extreme power that has been abandoned.” She snorted. “I want to say lost, but my idiot sister knew where it was the whole time but didn’t feel like telling me until you decided you were going to be my knight.” Ah, sibling rivalry. “After the wedding, you—and a group of my guards—are going to retrieve it.”

“Why do I need guards?”

She looked at me like I was stupid. “It’s big. And since it’s in the Everfree forest, I figured a bit of extra protection would be nice.” Oh fun. I’m going to that hellhole.

“So you said I had a job to do or something. Is my job to just help them ferry this thing back?”

“Very funny.” She didn’t sound amused. “I have been disconnected from it for a long, long time. You and I are going to reconnect to the device.”

That sounds ominous. “So uh… why was it abandoned?”

“Because Celestia was too afraid to connect to it.” Oh yeah. That was totally ominous.

“And what’s the point of this thing again? I’ve still been having dreams since I got here; why do we need this thing?”

“Yes. You have been having dreams. You are not a pony. Most ponies do not dream anymore, Navarone. There are a few isolated incidents and there are a few ponies that have the occasional dream. I believe your friend Pinkie is one of them, though she wishes she were not. Most ponies know of dreams, of course, but they don’t actually have them. We are going to change that tomorrow night.”

“So what exactly does connecting to this thing entail? And why do you need me?”

“I need you because you are going to keep me safe while I do the hard work. We enter into a world of dreams and fight our way to the dream master, essentially. There is a lot more to it than that, of course, but it is impossible to describe. Just be ready for absolutely anything.” That’s really, really ominous.

“So what kind of control do you get over the dreams when we wrestle this monster down?”

“I can do anything, really. I usually leave it on a pleasant setting, trying to minimize nightmares. However, I can take active control if I want, inserting messages at will. And I can enter individual dreams as well. Normal dreams are chaotic and unformed, but when I enter, they become more normal and the pony dreaming gains control.”

“That’s pretty neat. So if we’re both connected to this thing, what will that do to me?”

“I don’t know. You might be able to use it afterwards, if you learned how. It uses surprisingly little magic; I honestly don’t know much about the artifact, and Celestia knows even less. There are no books anywhere about it and there is nothing else to indicate what it does. We learned what it did through trial and error.” She blushed. “A lot of errors. Ponies were dreaming about… About Celestia and I doing… things to each other… It was horrible.”

“Are we talking sexy things or scary things?” At her blush, I knew. “Nice. Can we do that again?” She gave me a look of horror. “Just asking! I mean, I know she’s in heat because she’s been hitting on me all week. She suggested a foursome with you, me, Chrysalis, and her.”

“She told you about that?” She sounded rather disturbed.

“Yeah. In front of Chrysalis, who seemed to like the idea.”

She sighed. “I told her you wouldn’t be interested.”

“Whoa now, who said that?” Her head jerked up at me. “If you’re interested, I’d totally be down.” Her blush seemed to be creeping down her neck. “Uh… Are you okay? We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, Luna. Honestly, I think the two of them could probably do it together and never miss us.”

“You’ve had a busy week, haven’t you?” she asked in a strained voice.

“Yeah. It has been interesting. I regret some of it. Some of it I don’t. I hope Pinkie has those pictures of Rainbow Dash in Celestia’s crown saved somewhere…” Some of the tenseness in Luna’s body dissolved at that. “You need a masseuse or something. You’re really tense.”

“I’m fine, Nav.” Her body eased up a little more. “Perhaps after we take control of the dream artifact, you can… help me relax.”

“I like the sound of that.” I paused for a moment. “Damn, I think I have some kind of spell on me or something. All this week, I’ve been thinking about getting laid, even though I’m still not sexually attracted to ponies.”

“You know… there might be a spell on you. Celestia sure did take her time testing you that morning. I can check if you want.”

“By all means. I’ve been feeling weird for a while. I thought it was just Chrysalis’s mind-fuckery.”

We stopped and she leaned her head in, touching my forehead with her horn. After a moment she gasped and pulled back, reeling a bit. “There are four spells on you! All of them increase libido, both in you and in mares near you! How…” Her eyes narrowed. “Oh. I can’t dispel all four of these right now. Two of them are monstrously powerful. I can, however, get rid of two of them.” She leaned in close again and her horn lit up even brighter. I felt a tugging at my mind as something went loose, and a ripping as something else was torn away. She pulled away and I shook my head, trying to clear it a bit. “I know one of them was from Celestia. I suspect one of them was from Twilight. Do you know where you got the other two?”

“I was drugged last night. There’s no telling what happened.” One of them was probably Chrysalis. The other… who knows?

“Hm. Well, I feel better already. I was wondering why I heard so many servants whispering about you. Now I know.”

“Do you know how old any of the spells are?”

“The strongest is over two weeks old. I suspect Celestia hit you with it before you left for the Maris party. It will be hard to remove even when I am at my best. Tell her to remove it tomorrow, before the wedding. I’ll remove the other one later tonight.”

“Later tonight? Ooh, does that mean you’re going to wait until after you and I… relax?”

“Ugh. I should just remove it now…”

“That’s not a no.”

She smiled. “You’re right. It’s not. You’ll have to show me how your armor comes off… For now, though, we need to get to the rehearsal thing. Just one more thing before we go.” She bent in and touched my breastplate with her horn. It glowed brightly and the entire thing felt insanely lighter.

She pulled her head up with a small smile that turned into a gasp as I grabbed her in another embrace and pulled her forward to kiss me. Again, her tongue didn’t fight back as mine explored her mouth. After a moment I pulled back. She was panting lightly.

“What did I tell you about eating cupcakes for breakfast?” I asked with another smirk.

“One of these days you’re going to have to tell me why you keep invading my mouth,” she panted. “But for now… I like it.” She used magic to push me against the wall, grating my armor against the stone. She walked up in what was probably a seductive manner and planted a kiss on my face. She pulled back almost instantly, grinning. “That’s all you get for now. So let’s go.” Her magic let me go and her horn glowed again as we teleported to the Royal Overlook thing where the wedding was to take place.

We were actually the first ones there. I was tempted to ask her to continue, but I didn’t really want to risk anyone stepping in on that.

“So where exactly is this dream thing in the Everfree forest, anyway?”

“It is in our ancient castle. It has been a few years since anypony that I know of has been there, and it is in that horrid forest. It is possible that some forest creatures have taken residence in the castle. You and the guards will clear them out if they have.”

“Easy enough. While we’re going there anyway, is there anything else we need to loot from that place?”

“Yes. There are many magical items I had then that I don’t have now. I would like as many of them back as possible.”

“So, what? We looking for thousand year old panties or something a bit more substantial?”

“What are these panties you keep speaking of?”

“They’re things chicks from my world wear under their pants or skirts. Unless they’re whores or just like going commando like me.”

“A whore like you, or somepony that likes going… commando?” I shrugged. “But no. You are looking for things other than clothing.”

“Cool. Any specifics?”

“Yes. But I will not tell you what just yet.” I shrugged again. “Ah, here they come. Tell me, have you ever been at a wedding before?”

“Yeah. I’ve been the best man, the camera man, a guest, a ring bearer, and a groomsman. And now I get to give the bride away. The only thing left for me is to get married myself, now.” With that, I walked down the long red carpet to meet the group coming in.

If you’ve seen one wedding rehearsal, you’ve pretty much seen them all. The three Crusaders were the flower girls. Twilight was apparently the best ‘man.’ Her friends were the bridesmaids—I don’t know what happened to Lyra, Colgate, and the other chick. Spike was the ringbearer. Celestia was the ‘priest.’ Cadance and Shining Armor were getting married. And I was giving the bride away.

Pretty simple, all things told.

The knighting ceremony was just as simple. Luna took Celestia’s place and called me forward. I went, knelt, repeated some words after her, she tapped me a few times with her horn, and then she passed a pillow with a broomstick on it. My real weapon wouldn’t be given to me until tomorrow. I didn’t even know what it was, though I suspected a sword. I was told to not bring my sword, crossbow, or bolts, though I was going to stash my crossbow in the Overlook before the ceremony began, just in case.

Anyway, that was that. It took nearly an hour, too. Celestia and Luna left to go ‘change the sun and moon,’ leaving the rest of us to our own devices.

I tracked down Twilight. “I need you to look at my mind,” I told her.

She looked at me blankly. “With the week you’ve had, no.”

“Luna told me Celestia and three other unicorns did something to me. Something about spells that increase libido. Luna was able to remove some of them, but I want to know if you can find anything she missed.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. She stepped closer and her horn lit up. “Oh my. Yes, this does explain quite a bit. These two are frighteningly strong, too. This one is somewhat old… Celestia’s, probably. This one is newer… Chrysalis, maybe? It looks odd, so I’m going to assume yes. I might be able to… No. I can’t budge them, Nav. Why would Chrysalis have done this to you, though?”

“Twilight, I’m not gonna lie: I totally tapped dat ass. And my God, it was hot.” She looked disgusted. “I wasn’t in my right mind, so it’s okay! And you put one of the four spells on me, so you can’t judge.”

“I WHAT?!”

“There were four spells in there. One of them was yours, or so Luna thought. It would make sense, given the horrible things you did to me when you were under the effects of love poison.” And why they hurt but felt so good. “One of them was probably fr—Well, never mind about that. Is this really something Celestia would do, though?”

“This is the worst she’s ever been, as far as I know,” Twilight said. “I can’t wait for her to get out of heat. This is terrible.”

“Terrible for me, you mean! You don’t even remember what happened to you!”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t know it happened! Navarone, I know this may seem… like, well, a terrible idea, but maybe you should just go and… Ugh. ‘Tap’ Celestia. It might calm her down.”

I looked at her. She looked at me. “It wouldn’t be the first time,” I said aloud. She flinched. “What? Even immortal sun goddesses need to get laid. And if you really think it would help calm her down, I can totally use the spell she put on me.”

“You’re terrible, you know that?” She sighed, shaking her head. “I know it should work, though. It worked for…” She blushed again. “Well, you know.” Twilight has requested my services in the past for dealing with her feelings while she was in heat. I was able to calm her down for a few days.

I rarely know when a mare is in heat, but I’ve begun paying attention to where stallions go and when. Most of them do their best to avoid areas near the mare. In a large town like Ponyville, that leaves a lot of empty spaces since there isn’t an official Estrus season. It’s the reason a lot of stallions don’t bother living in places with a lot of mares, and why there aren’t that many of them in Ponyville. And that’s why couples like Lyra and Bon-Bon are considered acceptable.

Anyway… “I’m willing to take that hit for the team, Twilight,” I answered her with mock graveness. “Just don’t tell anyone. I’ll do it tomorrow before the wedding. Now, I believe I have things to attend to.” A Taya to put to bed and a night princess to play with.

Taya was easy. Luna was easier, but in a different sense. Bow chicka wow wow.

If you ever tell anyone I wrote that… Well, it’s a good thing I’m dead if you’re reading this.

The morning found me back at my writing desk, working on plagiarizing more stuff. I was tired of Shakespeare and decided to move on to Lewis Carroll. I was having a lot more fun than I should have, copying his stuff.

And then Taya woke up from the first real sleep my bed had gotten this entire trip. I set down what might well have been the last quill I would ever make from myself and looked around at her. I’ve been here too long. Fillies and colts actually look cute now instead of like small ponies. Still gonna avoid babies, though. “You finally up? Took you long enough.”

“Let me guess: You’ve been waiting all night?”

“How ever did you know? Although I did leave for a bit; I had things to take care of.” She muttered something. “I am sorry to say that after the knighting ceremony, I’ll have to leave Canterlot for a little while. If all goes well, I should get back within a few hours, but then I’ll be comatose for who knows how long dealing with something else. I just wanted to warn you so you could find something else to do.”

“Okay.” Not ‘where are you going’ or ‘will you be safe.’ Just ‘okay.’

“And I’ll also have a few physical changes after the knighting ceremony. My wings should change, my skin color should change, and my eyes should change. The skin color won’t remain changed long, but I’ll keep the wings for a little while to see about them. The eyes, I’ll probably keep.”

“Okay.” That’s kind of starting to get annoying.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes.” That’s better. I walked over to the bed and hugged her. She let me go and managed to scamper onto my shoulders somehow. “Now, onwards to breakfast!”

“Fine. But when you finish eating, I need to go and have a talk with Celestia. She needs to correct a mistake she made. You can go on to the library or to Chrysalis or something, but it’s something I need to see her alone about.”

“Okay.” For fuck’s sake.

As we walked through the halls, I started hearing music. “Not again…” We hit a wall of servants, dancing about the halls and singing and whatnot about weddings and marriage and all that fun stuff. We continued, unabated. We ran into Cadance, singing what was probably a duet with Shining Armor somewhere in another part of the castle. It was at that point that I noticed all the servants we ran into were mares. We continued on our way.

When we got to the dining hall, we found all the males and Shining Armor, still singing. I sighed and set Taya down so she could make her way to the buffet or whatever.

The song was winding down around the time she got back. When it finished, I gently clapped. It was pretty alright.

Shining Armor saw me and Taya and trotted over. “Hey Nav. About the bachelor party… what happened? I got woken up by two snickering mares to find out that I was being spooned by a male night guard! And I was in a whole world of pain, worse than anything the changeling monster could have done.”

“You got drunk, dude. That’s what happens when you start drinking flaming shots.”

“What’s… a flaming shot?”

“A shot of alcohol is a small glass of it. Small for humans is…” I reached over and grabbed one of Taya’s forelegs and set it on the table. “About the size of her hoof.” I let her go. “For you guys, it’s about the size of a regular cup. And a flaming shot is a shot of alcohol that is literally on fire. Spike was lighting those bastards up and you were drinking them. It was pretty awesome.”

His face grew pale. “I… drank fire?”

“Kinda, yeah. I’m surprised you have any facial fur left. You’re lucky you woke up next to that night guard. If some of your friends had their way, you would have woken up with me.” He blanched. “I should mention before you think unpleasant thoughts: I woke up in a pile of thirty mares.” His mouth dropped. “Yeah, that was my opinion on the matter. Dude, I left your bachelor party with that mare that showed us all about wings. She took me to a party in some club and I got drugged. I don’t remember what happened, but I’m pretty sure I got laid. A lot. If you had been there, you would have gotten laid a lot too. So yeah, be glad you woke up with that night guy.”

“You got drugged?!” he said, his voice sounding hoarse. “You should have told me sooner, Nav! I’d've locked up the guy that did it and all the mares that participated!”

“Hey, I didn’t say that I regretted it. I can’t get anyone pregnant and pony diseases are incompatible with my body. I’ve gotten so much fucking tail this week, man… It’s been awesome.” I never realized it before, but saying ‘I got tail’ actually has a whole new meaning now.

“They broke the law! They need to be punished!”

“Good luck getting anything out of me. I ain’t gonna tell you a thing, and I dare you to try to read it from my mind.”

He grit his teeth. “You asked for it.” His horn glowed brightly and I felt something invade my mind. This wasn’t like Celestia’s invisible presence, digging around, or like Chrysalis’s presence, ghosting through my mind. This was a brute force, trying to find anything it could get its hands on.

And because of that, he wasn’t expecting me to give him all the images of every time I had sex with Twilight.

Shining Armor recoiled in horror, retching. “You… sick… Ew!” He shuddered one last time. He growled and his horn glowed bright again as he ripped into my mind.

Which made it really easy to give him the images of me fucking Chrysalis. This time he actually vomited.

“If you do that again, I’ll make you scream like a little girl,” I warned him. “I don’t want to do that before your wedding, so please, for your sake, stop.”

With a beastly yell, he ripped his head around and his horn glowed one last time. He entered my mind to find two doors. He looked at them both. “What is this?” he beamed into my mind.

“Don’t do it,” I whispered back. The whispers echoed in the emptiness of my mind, thousands of times, and then millions, turning into little more than an inarticulate murmur that sounded somewhat like gentle laughter. His presence snarled and ripped into the door on the left.

And he experienced the full feeling of being branded, raped, scratched, violated, tattooed, pierced, and a few other things. He fell to the floor screaming. It’s just as well, I suppose; the other door was me having sex with Celestia.

“I warned you. Let’s go, Taya.” We left as a group of servants ran over to check on Shining Armor. “I really didn’t want to do that to him on his wedding day,” I mused aloud as we walked to the throne room.

“You warned him.”

“That doesn’t make it right, Taya. I could have easily hidden everything from his relatively untrained mind. He may be the captain of the royal guard, but he doesn’t know much about reading minds. He pierced me with brute force, trying to bully his way in. I could have easily hidden everything from him and let him wander the void for hours. Instead, I chose to strike back. Was that wrong of me?”

“I don’t think so, no. He attacked you. He has no right to complain about losing.”

“That is what you and I think, at least. But will the law agree? I’ll ask Celestia before I ask her anything else. Are you going to the library?” She nodded. “I’ll see you there, hopefully. If I do get in trouble… Tell Pinkie Pie I need her to stay sane and to take care of you. Trust me. When the chips fall, Pinkie’s the only one of that bunch I’m willing to trust with my life. If you don’t want to trust her, go to Chrysalis.”

“If you get in trouble, I’m breaking you out and we’re running to changeling territory.”

“You know what… Yes. If I get arrested for this shit, fuck the ponies. They can deal with their own damn problems.” She smiled and wandered off her own way, toward the library.

I got into the throne room with no problem. There wasn’t a crowd to see her because of the wedding. “Celestia, I may have assaulted the captain of the guard.”

She looked down at me from her dais. “Explain.”

“I told him how I got drugged. He demanded names. I told him no and he tried to reach into my mind. I gave him a few memories he didn’t like. When I left, he was on the floor screaming.”

“Navarone, do you even know any names of the ponies that did anything to you?”

“Nope. I just know the name of the mare that brought me to the party, and she was innocent, or so Pinkie and Spike told me.”

“I see. Was Shining Armor in uniform?”

“He was wearing something, but it wasn’t armor.”

“Then he’s not on duty. You defended yourself against an unlawful mental intrusion by what amounts to a civilian. What images did you give him?”

“Promise you won’t be mad.” She just looked at me. “I gave him images of me and Twilight having sex, me and Chrysalis having sex, and everything Kat did to me.” Her eyes widened at that last one. “That’s why he was on the floor screaming.”

“You probably mentally scarred him for life, Nav! Don’t you think that was a little much?”

“I had warned him two or three times. He dug into my mind three times. You really need to train him better; he had no finesse at all.”

She sighed. “I will go and deal with this. You stay here. Where was he last?”

“Dining hall.” She strode out. The two guards with her followed, one of them glaring at me.

I wandered around the throne room, looking for one of the hidden doors that I knew had to be there. I figured they would be well hidden, which is why I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t find anything. Celestia came back half an hour later.

“Navarone, come here.” I went up to her. We disappeared, leaving the guards behind.

I looked around to find that we were in her room. “You, Celestia, need to get laid. And then you need to remove your spell on me.”

She smirked. “You’ve had fun this week, though! Seducing Twilight. Seducing Chrysalis. Making Cadance run away. Seducing an entire party full of mares. Quite a naughty colt, aren’t you?”

I smiled. “So where are my whips and chains?”

Her smile deepened. “I thought you’d never ask.”

My duties taken care of, I went to go take a shower, put on my armor and most of my weapons, and then find Taya. Then we went to store my crossbow in the overlook.

While we were in the overlook, I said to Taya, “I want you to not be anywhere near Chrysalis and Doppel today and tomorrow. Now what’s the code word?”

“Bacon.”

“Okay. The code word is now ‘watch.’ If they are going to make a move, they will make it either today or tomorrow. I’m sure Celestia has something planned for them, but I will not take chances. After the wedding, go to the reception. It’ll be public and there will be plenty of food. Avoid Shining Armor, because he’s probably still mad.”

We spent the rest of the day up until the wedding right there in the overlook. There was quite a lot to look at, and I got a bit of practice flying in armor.

The wedding came and went. It was alright. Quite a lot of guests. Really, it was just another wedding. Shining Armor was too busy giving looks of adoration to Cadance to glare at me.

The knighting ceremony, though… “Navarone, come forth,” Luna called. I marched forward, my armored feet making loud thumps even on the carpeted floor. “Kneel.” I went down on one knee. “Navarone, do you swear to serve me, Princess Luna, in all I say and command?”

“I swear to serve you, Princess Luna, in all you say and command.” I wish I didn’t have to say that, and I swear I felt bands of steel tighten around my soul.

“Do you swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within?”

“I swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within.” Easy enough. Ponies are pretty defenseless, and the only real monsters come from the Everfree. Getting sent abroad, though…

“Do you swear to come when needed to assist me in whatever I require?” I don’t remember that being part of the ceremony. From Celestia’s look, she didn’t either.

“I swear to come to you when needed to assist you however you require.” An odd thing to add.

Her horn glowed brightly and came down to my shoulder once. I felt a searing heat on my wings, starting at their base and working their way out. There was a collective gasp from the crowd. Luna’s head moved to my other shoulder. I felt my skin drain of color, turning a very dark grey. My eyes began to water and itch and the few shadows I could see began to draw back. Her horn shifted to the first shoulder she touched. My mouth exploded with blood and I flinched at the pain, letting out a gasp that splattered blood on the floor.

Luna and Celestia were the only ones in front of me, thank God, and even they gasped at that. Thankfully, no one else could see the blood I just spit out and the carpet was red anyway. Luna quickly recovered and her horn glowed again, summoning a red towel for me. I grabbed it with a shaking hand and wiped my mouth, spitting blood and trying to find out what happened. I couldn’t feel anything through my gauntlets.

She used that time to pull a pillow out from behind her. On it was a case. She set the pillow down to her side and pulled the top off the case. When I had my mouth clean and the rag tucked away, Luna’s voice rang out again. “Rise, Sir Navarone, Knight of the Lunar Order.” I got to my feet, finally noticing how different my wings felt. “Your weapon, Sir Knight.” She used magic to pull a massive and very dark looking axe from the case beside her. An axe? Color me surprised. A brutal weapon. I reached out and grasped it from the air with both hands. It was honestly surprisingly light, and I assumed she had it enchanted or something.

“Stand by my side, sir knight,” she called one last time. I did as she asked, holding the axe in one hand. I turned to face the crowd and there was another large gasp; none of them had seen my skin turn colors with all the armor covering me. Given how small my eyes were in comparison to theirs, they probably didn’t even notice the difference there. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

And that’s when I actually felt it. Holy fuck, my canines are gigantic! Luna said her knighting thing makes people more fearsome. What better way to make an omnivore that lives among herbivores scarier than by reminding everyone that he can eat meat?

And that was pretty much that. Everyone left but me, Luna, and Taya. When the last guest was gone, I pulled one of my gauntlets off and poked at my teeth. “Luna, what the fuck is this?” I asked, noting how ridiculously sharp they were.

“Those are big teeth,” she answered.

“No shit, Sherlock! That hurt like a bitch, too! Still does.” She bent down and turned my skin color back.

“Do you want me to change your teeth, too?”

I ran my tongue over them again. I could hide them for a while. They would be noticed eventually. “Taya, what do you think?”

“Keep them.”

“I’ll let you know later, Luna.” I stretched out my wings, noting how odd they felt. “These things are cold compared to my wings. My other wings, I mean.” The new ones were purple and black, similar to my armor. “So when do we leave?”

“Have you spoken with Celestia?”

“Yeah.”

“Then right now, my loyal knight.”

I looked down at the axe that I had laid against my leg. “Where am I going to put this thing? Also, an axe? Really?”

Her horn glowed and a belt came out of the case. There was a loop that the axe would fit in. I suppose I should describe the damn thing, since it’s ‘my badge of office’ or some shit. It had a long haft that ended in a very broad head. At the top of the haft, above the blade, was a pointy spike. At the bottom of the haft was a dull spike. I ran my finger lightly over the blade and nodded with a smile. Sharp.

I grabbed the belt out of the air. “Yes, an axe,” she answered. I slung the belt over a shoulder and noted how small it was; it wouldn’t fit.

I passed it to Taya. “I need that to fit around my body, like my sword belt.” She did magic to it and passed it back. I slung it around my body easily that time and hung the axe up.

“You know that was supposed to go around your waist, right?” Luna asked.

“I don’t wear big weapons there because I never use them. I keep the weapons I use at my waist. Or around my shoulder. Speaking of which…” I went to where I hid the crossbow and the bolts and grabbed them. I sighed as the familiar weight settled on me.

“I didn’t know you were going to hide… those here,” Luna said with a bit of distaste. “You’re supposed to use your axe!”

“I don’t even know how to use a sword. Why would I know how to use an axe?”

Her left eye twitched. “What kind of knight are you?”

“The reluctant kind. I didn’t want to be knighted. I didn’t—and don’t—want armor. I didn’t want a new weapon. I told all of you this and you made me do this shit anyway. I’ll play your dog and pony game, but don’t expect me to like it.”

“Well. You are mine now. Now let’s go.” She lifted her wings and dove out of the overlook.

“Go to the reception, Taya. I’ll be back when I can.” I jumped, hoping my new wings worked as well as the old. I didn’t hear Taya’s answer, if she had one.

Luna led me to a large courtyard where it looked like a group of her royal guards was preparing for war. We landed among them and they pretty much ignored us. Luna strode up to an area that was raised above the rest for some reason and called for attention. All the guards stopped what they were doing and looked up at her.

She pointed to me. “That is Sir Navarone. He is my only knight. Don’t let him die.” They all looked at me for a moment before turning back to her. She had stopped pointing, at least. “Now, you all are going into the Everfree forest to the site of the old castle. You are going to recover an artifact of immense power. No pony knows what might be residing in the castle right now, but we don’t think there is anything there; that is where the… Well, never mind about that. We believe the site to be clear. But just because we think that does not make it true. No pony goes anywhere alone. If you must break into teams, break into teams so each pony group is represented.” In terms of pony races, the earth pony is the tank, the pegasus is your DPS, and your unicorn is your all-around mage. “Now go.”

All the earth ponies and the unicorns piled into dark, evil looking chariots. The unicorns used their magic to hook the pegasi up. They took off and I went with them, just flying alongside the others. I loaded my crossbow in the air, just in case. I wasn’t expecting anything to fly out of the forest to attack us, but I knew manticores could.

It wasn’t until we were over the forest did I realize she never told me what she wanted me to loot. I figured she gave one of the guards a list. I was also assuming she gave them directions, and a description of the artifact we were hunting.

It took us about forty-five minutes to fly to the location. We set up outside of the castle ruins. There didn’t appear to be anything, but everyone was on edge anyway.

“Alright, so who knows what we’re looking for?” I asked aloud.

They all looked at me blankly. “You mean you don’t?” one of them finally asked.

“No one ever tells me shit. What’s the description?”

“She didn’t tell us. We figured she would tell you.”

I looked at them. They looked at me. I turned to look at the castle for a moment and then back to them. “If any of you feels like flying back and telling her we can’t figure this out, by all means. I’m going in there and exploring. It’s an ancient mysterious magical artifact that’s probably dangerous. How hard can it be to find?” They looked at each other. A few of them shrugged. “Oh, and if we find any riches or anything, you guys get ten percent.” That got their attention.

I looked back to the castle. There was a closed portcullis there. “One of you unicorns get this thing out of my way.” I unslung my crossbow as someone hit the thing with a fireball, sending its corroded form crashing down and burning most of the ancient wood.

Oh, and I’ll go ahead and say this: There were thirty guards here with me. Seven teams of the three races and nine other pegasi for chariots.

“One team stay back here and watch the chariots,” I told them. “Three of the chariot pegasi, stay with them. The rest of you, come on.” Each ‘team’ was composed of one earth pony, one unicorn, and one pegasus. I started into the castle courtyard, walking over the red-hot portcullis without even feeling it in my boots. They followed me, their hooves protecting them from the heat.

I was really hoping there wouldn’t be anything here, if the portcullis was down. But then, nothing with wings should have been stopped from getting in. And it would be a pretty good safe place from things without wings because it’s enclosed.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” one of the pegasus ponies muttered.

“Keep it to yourself,” I told him. “I ain’t gonna have you jinxing us.” I looked around the courtyard. It was very overgrown. “Watch out for snakes and blue flowers. Can one of you trim this grass or something?” One of the unicorns lit up and a blue fire began flying across the ground, destroying all the plants—and hopefully any critters lying in wait. “Not what I meant, but that works.”

We pushed in further. There were doors dotted around. Some of them seemed to lead to the walls while a few of them led into the castle proper. “Does anyone have a map of this damn place?” I asked.

One of them walked towards me and reached into his pack, pulling out a paper. I looked at it and it was most definitely a map. A thousand year old map. I looked at it and looked up and around me. This place had changed in a thousand years. I don’t know if it was Everfree mind-fuckery or if a thousand years of corrosion and whatnot just started dropping the palace to pieces, but it was different. I looked at the map again.

“Okay, this thing was actually labeled for us. That’s good. Alright… Center doors. Go figure.” We made our way up to the doors. They weren’t there anymore, but there was at least a hole we could get through. The dust on the ground was scratched by claws and had a few paw imprints. “Well, we know we have a bit of company. No lights; we can all see in the dark and hopefully they can’t. Anyone know what these tracks are?”

“Manticore,” one guy said. “They aren’t too dangerous if we stick together. They aren’t pack animals, so we shouldn’t run into too many.”

“Good. Who knows how to use a map?” A unicorn raised his hoof. “You’re the navigator. You and your team take point. Everyone else, be prepared to protect them and guide them out if we run into serious opposition.”

“Shouldn’t you lead?” one of them asked as the unicorn and his team went in, grabbing the map.

“I’ll be right next to them,” I answered as I followed the unicorn in. I made sure my crossbow was ready as we went into the darkness that wasn’t actually so dark with my new eyes. “Where to?”

The unicorn started off down a long hallway. We followed, the rest of the teams spreading out a bit behind us. There didn’t appear to be as many tracks this way, thankfully. We were all still just as careful, of course. After a few minutes we got to a crossing. Without prompting, the unicorn went to the left. We all followed. When we got to a staircase going down, he stopped.

“The map shows this as being our stop,” he said, looking around.

“Does that mean what we’re looking for is down there?” one of his team asked.

“Fuck if I know,” I answered. “Let’s go.” And down we went.

And down.

And down.

“Okay, whoever designed this castle is a dick,” I said after about fifteen minutes of descending.

“I don’t know what you mean by that, but they are a jerk,” the earth pony agreed.

“Alright, fuck this shit. Everybody, hold up.” We all stopped. “Alright. The six chariot pegasi, come with me. Everyone else, continue.” With that, I jumped down and let my wings carry me. The pegasi followed.

We fell for half an hour. Eventually I saw something moving ahead of us. I landed and tumbled a bit on the stairs, and the pegasi behind me did as well. I usually have a bit of a farther sightline than ponies, since I’m a predator. They usually have broader sightlines to make up for it. “Something moving up ahead,” I warned them. They got ready and we began moving down as silently as a guy in plate mail and six ponies with hooves can move.

Which is probably why we didn’t surprise the large group of night ponies going down. “Okay, what the fuck,” I said aloud as we got close enough to realize we ended up behind the other group.

“Magic,” a unicorn answered.

“Someone hit him,” I said, turning around and looking back the way we came. Darkness. I looked back down. Darkness. “I don’t suppose any of you unicorns know any dispelling stuff?” One of their horns glowed. The entire place fucking lit up, causing us all to wince in shock.

“That should do it,” the unicorn said. “Whatever spell was here should be gone.”

Down or up? “We go down,” I said. Down we went. Two minutes later we hit a drop.

Someone stuck his head down and barked a laugh. “We’re back where we started,” he said. “But there’s a new door here.”

Dammit, Luna. “Everyone back in the hall. Don’t touch the door yet.” We all hopped down. I looked down the stairs and saw nothing but darkness. I looked back and saw the same thing. “Fucking magic,” I muttered. “Alright, is that door open?”

Someone checked it. “Locked.”

“Can one of you unicorns remove it without blowing it up? Pick the lock, perhaps?”

One of them tried something. “Try it now.” Nothing. “The door seems to be immune to magic.”

“Well fuck. Can one of you earth ponies kick it in without knocking it off its hinges?”

Three of them walked up to it and gave it an appraising eye. One of them nodded and the other two backed off. The one in the center reared up on his front legs and kicked the door for all he was worth with his back legs. The door bulged but didn’t open or crack. He stepped away from the door with a defeated air.

“Fuck it.” I pulled the axe from my back. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in,” I murmured as I took a few steps forward, hefting it. “Not by the hairs of your chinny chin chin? Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your ho—Wait.” I stopped. “This place is magic, right?” I asked aloud. I got several nods.

I politely knocked on the door. It swung open. “Huh.” I slid my axe onto my back and grabbed my crossbow from where I had set it.

“Well then, shall we?” I asked. One of them made to move. “Wait.” They stopped. “I’ve seen this episode before.” I set my crossbow down and pulled out my axe again. I jammed the blade into the door crack, to make sure it stayed open. I left it there and readied my crossbow. “Let’s go.”

I went in first. The door jerked, trying to slam shut. I heard a cracking sound around my axe blade. After a moment, the pressure on the door eased up and stopped entirely. The ponies followed me in. We appeared to be in a large storage room full of junk. “Alright, is there any way to detect magical items or something?” I asked.

“Yes, but it only works for unicorns,” one of them said. After a moment, his horn lit up. Several objects in the room seemed to glow. “For anypony not familiar, the brighter the object is the more powerful it is.”

“So we want that thing?” I asked, pointing to something that looked like a sun.

The unicorn gasped. “You can see it?”

“Yeah. You guys with the bags, grab everything the unicorns tell you is magic. Everyone else, try to figure out how to get the objective out.” Me and a single squad approached it. “Any ideas?”

“Pick it up and take it,” the earth pony answered.

“Works for me. Three earth ponies, over here.” Two more joined our group. “See if you can pick this thing up.” They went over to it and examined it from a few angles. The actual appearance of it was a statue. An odd statue. There was a hole at the base that looked like something could be fitted inside of it. The actual statue itself seemed to be of a kind of demon or something.

Wait. So much in this world seems to be based on mythology… Could it be… “Turn the magic finding spell off and shine some light on this thing,” I ordered. They did so and I gasped. I brushed my fingers across the writing to be sure. “That’s Greek for Morpheus. I’m sure of it!”

“So what does that mean?” one of the unicorns asked.

“That means that whatever this thing is, it comes from my world. Greek? Exact replication of Morpheus? No fucking way.”

“Whatever. Can we get back to collecting this stuff?”

“Yeah…” He cast the magic finding spell again. The three earth ponies somehow managed to pick the statue up and set it down across their backs. The other guys seemed to have collected everything magic already. “Alright, let’s go. Statue in the center, bags around it, everyone else on the outside. Move.” When we got out of the room, I retrieved my axe and slid it back. The door slammed shut.

Someone muttered something about treasure as we walked back out. “Hey, I didn’t say we were done in this castle,” I commented aloud. “I’ll take a poll when we get outside, staying and exploring versus leaving. If you guys vote to stay, we’ll split up a bit and look for treasure.” That calmed them down.

We got out with no problems and everything went into the chariots fine. “Alright, time for a vote. Who wants to stay and loot some more?” A little over half the hooves went up. “Alright. Two squads per group.” That makes three groups, with one squad guarding the chariots. “Two spare pegasi go with each group. Break out the rope. We’ll tie off lines at the entrance so no one gets lost. If anyone finds a frayed or torn rope that seems to lead off in the darkness, tug on it. If anyone finds that their rope is getting tugged, stop immediately and go back to find out why. From there, the two groups can either continue together or go back to tie off again. Any questions?”

“What do we do if we find hostiles?”

“Terminate them with extreme prejudice.”

“What do we do if we find treasure?”

“Send the two pegasi down your rope line to the entrance and get me. I’ll pull the lines and the other two groups will come out so they can help you retrieve it. Anything else?” Nothing. “You have five hours. Go.” Off they went.

An hour after I sent them off, a manticore stalked out of the castle. I don’t know how he missed the groups of ponies, but he was pissed. I readied myself for a fight but he just walked right past me without even seeing me. Neat. He took a few looks around the outside and noticed the portcullis down. With a roar, he charged it.

“Nope.” I shot him in the back. He spun around looking all around for me. I stepped outside as I reloaded. He roared again, somehow not seeing me. I shot him in the throat while he was roaring.

By this time, the ponies guarding the chariots were pounding their way to me and the body. They froze when they saw me standing over the dead manticore, pulling out my bolts. I waved them back to their positions.

For some reason, when I smelled the blood of the manticore, I started salivating. Well, I have fangs now… I made sure the ponies were gone. I pulled out my dagger and slit the manticore open. I sighed in pleasure at the smell before I realized what I was doing. I pulled the dagger up to my lips and tasted it. Sweet. Luna is definitely removing these teeth when I get back. I wiped the dagger on its coat and sheathed it, standing.

Another hour passed. Then another. A group of ponies came running and screaming out of the castle. They took a while to calm down, and it turns out they had dropped their rope.

When I finally got one calmed, he whispered, “Taraxippus…”

“Yeah, because that was really informative. What the fuck is that? And is anyone injured?” They were all fine, but none of them were able to tell me what they saw or ran into. “Is it dangerous, at least?” I finally asked. They looked at each other. One of them shook his head. “Then why did you run away?”

“We… we couldn’t face it,” one of them whimpered, going pale just at the memory.

I looked back into the castle. “How long did it take you to get back?” I asked.

“Ten minutes,” one of the more clear-headed ones answered.

“And you dropped the rope as soon as you saw it?” They nodded. “Then I’m going to go kill it so you can explore some more.”

“You can’t kill a Taraxippus!” one of them said. “It’s already dead!”

“But it’s not dangerous?” They all shook their heads. “Then I’ll go look at it.” They sighed. “Don’t go back in just yet. If one of the other groups comes back, go with them to help them get the treasure.”

In I went, following the rope. It led off in a completely different direction than we originally went. Knowing that I had a lot of stamina, I just started off running. It was awkward in armor, but I managed. About fifteen minutes after I started, I got to where I was going.

“Hello?” I called out. I saw a bright silver object approaching. “Are you the… Taraxippus?”

“You aren’t afraid,” I heard. It was like a whisper brushing into my mind. “But then, you aren’t equine, though you carry their scent. Part tree… part something.”

“Part man. I might not be afraid, but I am somewhat concerned. What are you, that can scare two squads of royal guards?”

“Equines are terrified of me. I do not know why. There was a creature here, a manticore. It was not afraid, but it was not intelligent. I have been alone for some time. Are you here to relieve my loneliness?”

“I kinda need to leave, sometime. Hey, do you know if there’s any treasure here?”

It ignored the question. “You need to leave?” It pulled in closer, but all I could make out of it was a pale silver mist. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Well, I’ll need to eat eventually. I also have a daughter that wants to see me. And I have a pretty important job that I need to do.”

“I see. What year is it?” I told him. Her. It. Whatever. “It has been some time. I chose to reside in these ruins because I caused fear everywhere I went. I have been alone for seven hundred years here.”

“That sucks. Why not go to the griffin kingdom? There aren’t many ponies there, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a few hundred miles north.” They live in Canada.

“That is… an interesting thought.”

“Or you could go and live with the dogs in the Diamond Dog mines. That’s a few hours… oh, east from here, I believe. Or you could go to the naga caverns about a hundred miles west. Or you could get on a boat and go across the ocean to the cat lands in Africa. Really, if you gave up that quickly and you only scare ponies, there’s kind of a problem, dude.”

It was silent. “Wow. I’m an idiot,” it finally said. “Seven hundred years of my unlife gone because I didn’t explore enough.”

“Well, we’re all stupid sometimes, bro. We’ll all be out of the castle in a few hours. Do you know where any treasure is?”

It seemed to sigh deeply. “Bring your rope. I will lead you to it.” I grabbed the rope and followed behind it. It led me for about five minutes before stopped at a door. “Here.”

I looked at the door. I tried opening it. Locked. I tried knocking. Nothing. “How do you get inside?” I asked it. It floated through the key hole. After a moment, it floated back out. “Okay, how do I get inside?”

“Break it down?” I shrugged and grabbed my axe.

A few swings later, I was able to look inside. “Here’s Joh—Oh shit!” Mounds of bits. Piles of gems. Several cases that contained who knew what. I pulled my head away and reached down to the door handle and opened it from that side. I eased the door open and whistled softly. “Well, ghost, you just made a bunch of rich men.” It didn’t answer. I looked around and saw that it was gone.

I shrugged and tied the rope off to the door handle and ran back to follow it. Twenty or so minutes later, I emerged.

“Well?” one of the guards asked.

“We’re all rich men,” I answered with a grin. They cheered as I pulled the other two ropes. It took one group ten minutes and the other group half an hour. “Go get some more bags, guys. You’re going to need them. Don’t open any of the cases, just stuff them in bags. Take both of your ropes with you just in case something happens to the first one.” They nodded and a few pegasi dashed off to get more bags from the chariots and off they all went.

An hour later, they emerged, smiling ear to ear, each one toting bags.

“Alright guys, lay the bags of bits and gems out. Put the bags with the cases and anything else to the side.” They did as I asked. “Okay. I promised you ten percent. Luna doesn’t know about this. She didn’t even know that I was going to go treasure hunting. So what she does not know cannot hurt her.” There were ten bags of bits, each bursting. There was another ten bags of gems. “Because of that, and given the generous bounty here… Would anyone say no to twenty?” More cheers. With a smile, I continued, “I thought not. Take two bags of coins and two bags of gems and set them aside. Get everything else loaded up.” They did as I ordered.

When they got the bags all loaded, they came back to me. “Okay. Who is the highest ranking officer here?” They all pointed at me. “Who is the highest ranking officer under me?” They pointed at a pegasus. “Do you have your own house?”

“Yessir.”

“Alright. Everyone else, do you trust him to hold onto your loot for a few hours, until you all get off and can go pick up your share?” A chorus of agreement. “Okay. You load up these four bags into your chariot and drop it all off at your house. The rest of us will slow down so you have time to get back without too much suspicion, but hurry the fuck up anyway. Alright?” He nodded. “Let’s go.”

And off we went. By the time we got back to Canterlot, it was dark. The officer took off with his chariot and all the ponies and loot in it and the rest of us slowed down a bit, circling the city. Ten minutes later, he pulled back up and we went to the castle. We landed in the same courtyard we started in. Off in the distance, I spotted the reception still going down.

“I want everything off these chariots. All the money and gems to one area, all the strange cases next to them, all the magical artifacts a bit away, and the strange statue in the center. Then get these chariots back where they’re supposed to be. Five pegasi go and guard the money at that officer’s house as soon as you drop the chariots off. The rest of you guard this area until I can get back with Luna.” They all moved to do as I asked.

I jumped into the air and flew over to the reception, hoping I could sneak in, grab Luna, and sneak out. I started hearing music as soon as I got out of the courtyard. I flew over to a building overlooking the reception and looked down into it, trying to find Luna.

I saw Cadance and Shining Armor saying something to Twilight. After a moment, Cadance threw something. I followed whatever it was she threw and saw it land right at Luna’s feet. There she is. She was bending down to pick it up as I leapt from the building. I landed right in front of her as she was standing up with a thing of flowers somehow attached to her front hoof. Flowers at a wedding? Wh—Oh. I hope she doesn’t see any symbolism there.

She dropped them in shock when I landed, anyway. Celestia was giggling. “We’ve got the statue thing,” I told Luna. Her eyes widened. “And who knows how many other magical artifacts. And a shitload of treasure. It’s all ready whenever you are.”

“Good. Let’s get out of this cursed party.” She jumped into the air, leaving the bouquet there.

I tried following her, only to get stopped by a bit of magic holding my leg. “Are you just going to leave that there?” Rarity asked me, looking at the bouquet. “The way Luna was looking at you…” She smiled. “I think she might need one of her own soon!”

“Rarity… Let me go.” She did with a huff and I followed Luna to the courtyard.

All of the chariots were gone by the time we got there and all of the bags were laid out, with the statue standing in the center of the courtyard. Luna was in front of it, grinning ear to ear. I landed next to her.

“Undamaged, unchanged, after all this time. Did you find it easily?”

“Yeah. There was a fucking illusion cast that made an endless staircase and hid the real door. We were going down that thing for nearly an hour before we figured it out. Then it took us a little while to figure out how to open the door. We ran into a manticore and something called… Taraxippus or something.”

She gasped at that. “Those are rare! Very, very rare! How did you get around it?”

“I talked to him and gave him some directions.”

She just gaped. After a moment she managed to say, “You talked with it? How?”

“You know, with my mouth? Words, and all that. Poor thing was lonely. Apparently all ponies are afraid of it as soon as they see it. Odd, but whatever.”

“Interesting. Now, what is in the rest of these bags? You mentioned treasure.”

I pointed to one grouping of bags. “Coins.” I moved my finger. “Gems.” I moved my finger again. “Cases of some kind. We didn’t open them, just in case.” I pointed to the last pile. “Magical items in the storeroom with the statue.”

“Money and gems...” She looked at me, beaming. “I can finally have my own treasury! I won’t be dependent on Tia anymore!”

“It’s not much, though,” I warned her. “I bet it cost that much to hold this fucking wedding.”

“No, just one of those bags. But this money is old, Nav. Really old. It is worth quite a bit more. Now, these cases you spoke of. Where are they?” I pointed. We walked over to the pile of bags. She ripped one open with her magic and picked up one of the cases. “Books. Some are probably records, some are probably histories, some are probably spell books. Somepony else can go through them all later, after preserving spells have been cast on them. The magical artifacts?” We went over to them and she opened a bag and pulled something out. “Yes, everything of mine that I owned before… the exile. Perfect.”

“So what now?” I asked.

“Now we move all of this away from this area and get it all stored away.” She turned to her guards. “Take everything but the statue to my personal store room. After that, you are free until your assigned patrols. Thank you, guards.” They all bowed and began to do as she asked.

“So what do we do with the statue? I thought you wanted to connect to it as quickly as possible.”

“We are going to take it to my room and connect there.” She walked back over to it and picked it up with magic. “Heavy, as always. Shall we, Nav?”

With that, we began the trek to her room. On the way there, I remembered something. “Luna, there’s something about that statue I think you should know.”

“How could you know anything about it?”

“I recognize it from my world.” She stopped and the statue slipped in her grip.

“Explain.”

I walked over to it and pointed out the Greek word. “That says Morpheus.” I pointed at the statue. “That’s a version of his mythological body. He was a Greek god, and had the ability to enter dreams.”

“This isn’t the first such instance of this, Navarone. It is odd, I grant you, especially given how old this statue is—or at least how old we think it is—but then, everything about it is odd. Now let’s go.” We continued on.

We made it to her room with no problems. She set the statue up in her personal bedroom and put a cushion down in front of it. “It has been a very long time since I did this, Navarone. Taking this thing over again will be difficult, even with your assistance. Are you ready?”

“Is there anything more you can tell me about it, before we start?”

“It is a dream world. Just remember that it is all a dream. I don’t know what will happen when we start this.”

“Can we get hurt?”

“Oh, definitely. We can’t die, of course, but there are worse things in life than dying. And whatever guards the statue knows that. Are you ready?”

What can you say to something like that? “Sure.”

“Just hold onto my horn, then.”

“Whoa now, I thought we got all that out of your system last night!” She gave me a look and rolled her eyes. I sighed and grabbed her horn. She lowered her head to the hole above the sign that said Morpheus and plugged it in.

I was in an ocean. I looked all around me wildly, trying to see anything. There was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. I looked down and saw blackness. The water was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom; anything could be lurking in the depths and I would never know.

I felt something brush my leg and my body jerked.

I’ve never mentioned this before, but something like this is one of my deepest fears. To be surrounded by nothing on all sides but water, unable to see anything but the darkness below, where anything can live… It is a terrifying thought.

I tried pushing myself up high enough to use my wings, but I was still in my plate armor. The only reason I was afloat at all was because of how light it was, but I didn’t think I would be able to actually fly out of the water with it.

I felt something else brush my legs, harder.

This is just a dream, she said. I closed my eyes. Take me to Luna. I will open my eyes and I will be there next to her.

I opened my eyes. Still in the ocean. Fuck you too, Luna. That something hit my legs again. “Fuck you!” I pulled out my dagger, waiting for it to strike again. For a while, nothing happened.

I closed my eyes. I have wings. They will work, water be damned. I started beating them, trying to get higher. I slowly rose out of the water, and that thing brushed me again. I raised my legs out and continued pushing with my wings until I was fully above the water, when I gave one more great thrust, clearing the water entirely and getting several feet above it.

Holy shit. I looked down to where I was and saw masses of jellyfish. Another great fear of mine. Fun. I was now very thankful for this armor. Fuck your cnidocytes, jellies! Oh God, I can’t believe I still know that word, after all these years away from biology.

I soared away from the area, sheathing my dagger. Water leaked from my armor, falling to the ocean in salty drops. That’s gonna rust so hard. I looked around and hoped that since I was higher I could see more. Nothing.

There’s going to be an island ahead of me. On it will be some very sexy native chicks that will worship the winged metal man and give him all the sex he could want.

I looked ahead again. There was an island, all right. I grinned, hoping the rest of it came true. I landed on the beach and walked in a bit, looking around. I spotted a chicken peeking out of the mass of trees.

Wait. I wanted sexy chicks here. Oh fuck. The chicken darted its head back in the foliage for a moment, and suddenly the tree line exploded with chickens rushing at me, clutching makeshift spears.

Nope, I’m out. I jumped into the air and flew away from the island.

“Alright, let’s try that again but with humans.” I paused in the air. “Wait, I should be finding Luna.” I thought back. If I was in some place I was afraid of… Then Luna would be on the moon.

I closed my eyes. The moon will have atmosphere. An atmosphere I can survive in. When I open my eyes, I will be on the moon. I opened my eyes and saw black and white all around. I took a hesitant breath in, and slowly let it out. “Smells funny, but I’m here. Now, where would Luna be on the moon?”

I looked around again and saw nothing. “Fuck. This is gonna take a while. Wait…” I closed my eyes. When I open my eyes, I will be able to see considerably farther and around the curvature of the moon. I opened my eyes and looked around again. Still nothing.

“For fuck’s sake.” I closed my eyes again and slowly began to spin around. When I open my eyes, I’ll be pointing at Luna. I opened my eyes.

I was looking at Earth. “What? How is that eve—Fucking dreams. Screw it.” I closed my eyes. Take me to Luna, fucking dream.

I opened my eyes a bit and they widened exponentially when I realized I was falling. I put my wings to use and flew back up to Luna. “There you are, Nav! Where did you go?”

I looked around and saw that we were over a familiar island. “I went to the moon looking for you,” I answered.

“That’s where it put me, but I got to you as quickly as I could. I was hoping you’d escape on your own. I guess you were able to.”

“Aye. Where to now?”

“My bedroom.”

“Again? I know you’re frisky, but I think we have more important things to do.”

“I thought you had my sister remove that spell!”

“I did, but you’re cute when you’re flustered.” She blushed. “Shall we?”

“Just hold onto me.” I gripped her tail and we appeared in her room. I saw her room as we had left it, including me and her sitting around the statue. “This is the hard part, Nav. I have to fight to take control of my body. The things I fear are going to appear around me while I fight. You have to stop them.”

“And I can summon anything to help me do that, right?”

“Yes.” I closed my eyes. When I open my eyes, I will have an AK-47 that never runs out of ammo. I opened my eyes and racked back the bolt. “Nav, what is that?”

“A human weapon. In a range like this, it will destroy anything I have to fight.”

She sighed. “It isn’t just fighting you’ll have to do, Nav. Get ready.” I looked around and shrugged. She reached out with her horn and touched the horn of the other Luna.

Celestia appeared. I immediately ravaged her with bullets and she dropped to the ground, leaking blood from about a dozen holes. I appeared and I killed myself. Twilight and her friends appeared. Each of her friends was wearing a necklace and Twilight had some tiara thing. I killed Twilight and Rarity first and Rainbow Dash next, before any of them could react.

The other three gasped. “What are you doing, Nav?” Fluttershy whispered. I cut Applejack down and killed Pinkie Pie next.

“Nothing personal, Fluttershy,” I answered, killing her. “But your jewelry was ugly.”

I went over and kicked Twilight. “That’s what you get for trying to kill me, cunt!”

Some strange black pony appeared in some kind of armor. I noticed that she was an alicorn and that’s about all I saw before I killed her too.

“Shit, this is easy.” The floor was getting soaked in blood and other stuff, and the smell was pretty terrible. The armor was keeping the gun from kicking against me too terribly, thankfully, so I wasn’t getting hurt at all.

Some ugly amalgamation of animals appeared and I killed him too, though he laughed before he disappeared. Sick fuck probably enjoyed it.

Two more alicorns appeared and had time to look surprised at the amount of bodies before they died. Then a kitten showed up and I killed it too. “Good God, why is she afraid of a kitten?”

“Hm.” I spun, tracking the target with the AK. My finger was on the trigger when I realized it was the real Luna. She was looking at the carnage in front of her with indifference. “I suppose that’s one way to deal with the problem.”

“...You aren’t freaked out?”

“I’ve caused worse carnage. Now it is your turn.” She concentrated on the bodies and they disappeared, taking the blood with them.

With a shrug, I tossed the gun aside. It vanished before hitting the ground. “You sure you can handle my fears?”

She gave me a blank look. “Yes.”

I pulled a gauntlet off and walked up to my body and put my hand on my head.

Who knows how long later, I opened my eyes, noticing I was sitting on the floor, arm outstretched. I achingly got to my feet.

“N-n-nav?” Luna weakly said.

“Yeah?” I asked as I popped my back.

“I’m so sorry.” I walked to her and wrapped her in a hug.

“It’s okay, Luna. Whatever you saw, it’s over. But we need to keep working. What do we do now?”

“No, it’s not over! The things I saw from your mind… What was that?!”

“No, Luna. I’m not having this discussion. I warned you that it would probably be bad. We need to keep moving. Where do we go now?”

She took a moment to collect herself, which thankfully didn’t take long. “We need to go where we originally found the artifact. It is an ancient place of power. We discovered it after an earthquake, I believe.”

“I’m ready.” We appeared in what looked like a steel chamber. My eyes could see fine, but Luna’s couldn’t. She created a light and we pushed forward. Without much thinking, I created another gun. A Vintorez, this time. I casually racked the bolt back as we walked.

She looked at it and asked, “What does that one do?”

“This one is like the previous one, but quieter and less messy. For all the fuckups of the Soviet Union, they knew how to make guns. Since that’s all they ever spent money on, I suppose that makes sense. What are we expecting here?”

“The artifact is going to try to truly repel us, here. I don’t believe it will use physical constructs, but keep that thing handy in case it does. Just… kill anything you see that isn’t us.”

I made good on that order when something rounded a corner ahead of us. It plopped to the ground, dead. “What the fuck?” I said aloud, looking at the horrid critter.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before,” Luna said. “This came from your mind, Nav.”

I looked at it. “Yep. That’s a monster from a game. I’m gonna need a bigger gun. I can make anything, right?”

“Well, I suppose.”

She had time to see me grin before I was in a suit of power armor holding a fucking bolt gun. “Thank you, Warhammer 40k. Luna, you might want to watch your ears.”

“Your voice!”

“That’s not my voice. Those are speakers on the side of my helmet. Watch my six, I’m going in.”

I walked into the doorway the monster came out of and shone my headlamps around. “Cle—Wait.” I saw two familiar looking people. “Oh, just my parents.” Two trigger pulls and they were paste. “Clear.”

“Navarone! Did you just… did you just kill your parents?”

“No, I just killed two constructs. I don’t think this simulation thought this through.” We heard laughter echoing through the halls. We continued. I saw another person that I recognized as my sister before I killed her. “Keep sending them forward. I have all the bullets a dream me can make.” When she came, I killed her too. “I’ll admit, that one twinged. But there’s no memories in my mind more painful than her, so you might as we—” Then Taya came and I turned her into paste without a thought. “Keep it up.”

“Navarone… are you okay?”

“Yeah. None of this is real. When are we going to start running into your loved ones again?”

“You already killed them all!”

“Oh yeah.” I giggled. “Well, I wouldn’t mind shooting myself again. You hear that, architect?” A mirror appeared and I shot it. The bullet went clear through and came back at me, hitting my armor and leaving a massive dent. “Oh you cunt!” I popped the dent out with barely a thought.

Luna gasped. “Are you okay?”

“Just hit my armor. Nothing much.” I reached out and tore the mirror down and we continued. Luna appeared ahead of us and I cut her down without a thought.

“Nav. Did you just kill me?”

“No, you’re standing right there.”

“I see.” Her tone was icy.

Onward we went. “I thought you said this would be hard,” I commented as I killed one of my only friends back home.

“It is, for anyone with a heart.”

“Then it’s a good thing you have me here,” I replied as I killed Derpy, Doctor Whooves, and a filly standing between them.

She didn’t answer.

“So just how far in do we need to go?”

“Another few miles, I believe.”

“Miles? Fuck that noise.” I dropped the bolter and picked Luna up with the enhanced strength of the armor and just ran down the halls, trampling anything that got in the way.

“I always wanted a strong stallion to lift me off my feet, but not quite like this,” Luna remarked as we ran over something.

“Well, I’m always defying expectations,” I answered.

I saw a closed door at the end of the hall and bent to let my shoulder take the brunt of it. “Nav, wait!”

Too late. I slammed into the door going full speed and blew straight through it, Luna still in my arms. I slid to a halt inside.

“W… What?” Luna whispered, looking around. We appeared to be on a catwalk. “Last time it took me ages to get past that door!”

“Luna, I’m wearing fucking power armor. Point me at something you want dead or destroyed and consider it gone.”

“I see,” she said with a tinge of respect. “Can you put me down now?”

“What kind of dashing hero would I be if I didn’t carry the beautiful princess?”

“Well, when you put it that way… You’re still not a hero. Put me down.” I sighed and set her down. “Better. Now, we are nearly done. It took nearly a week to traverse this artifact last time, as I recall. I think we’ve been here for maybe a day at the most.”

“A day? How is that possible? I guarded you for maybe an hour, and this run took two at the most. Before that we probably spent half an hour finding each other.”

She looked down. “I had… a hard time dealing with your fears.” I suppose abstract things are harder to deal with than constructs.

“Oh. Let’s go.” I pulled a bolter back out and we started down the catwalk. “You know, this looks kind of familiar, though I can’t say why.” I continued looking around. “Hell, it looks like something humans would have built, honestly.” I looked down and saw massive empty vats. Alongside the walls were several pods. “What is this place in real life?”

“This is a forbidden area, Nav. We are only here because we are in the dream. But this place is guarded so closely by almost every race on the planet that not even Celestia is allowed inside.”

“That’s odd. Why?”

“No pony knows anymore. The artifact came from here, but no pony knows when or why it was removed.”

“That’s really odd.”

“Quite. We have always wondered, but we respect that there are some things that can’t be known. Since most ponies don’t even know about it, we don’t bother.”

“Fair enough. So what are we looking for?”

“The storage room. It’s just at the other end. There shouldn’t be any more opposition.”

“Should and would build no bridges.”

“I’ll have you know that most of the bridges in Equestria are built out of wood.”

Bitch please. “Whatever.” We were nearing another door. I casually lifted my bolter and destroyed it. “So much easier than opening them.”

“Lazy. That door was easy to open!” We entered, but I had to duck a bit.

I whistled lightly, and giggled as it came out as a weird sound from my speakers. “If I knew this was back here, I wouldn’t have shot!” It looked like a museum or a storage room or something. A lot of things right behind the door were destroyed. We pushed in.

“It should be… Ah, there!” She led me to a twin of the statue. “Get out of that armor, Nav.”

“You ready to go again? Damn, Luna, you just really want my body, don’t you?”

“If you don’t stop it, I’m leaving you here.” I sighed and let the armor vanish. “Hold onto my horn.” I giggled as I reached out and grabbed it. She stuck her horn into the hole.

And we were back in her room. I stretched. “So, a day?”

“Yeah. I’m famished. Let’s go eat.”

“I’m down with that.”

“Celestia will also need to know about the statue. Actually, wait, I should probably turn it on before we go anywhere.” She bent back down to the statue and plugged her horn in again. After a moment, she pulled back. “Sweet dreams, everypony,” she whispered. “Let’s go eat, Nav.”

“You know, we could stay here… I can think of something very edible right in front of me.”

She blushed, but said, “Later. We need to see Celestia, if she’s still awake.”

“Oh yeah, that does remind me: You need to take my teeth away. They changed my taste buds to love meat and blood. I already liked the taste of meat, but I don’t need to start craving it again.”

She grimaced at that. “Yes, that is something I need to change.” She bent her head in and removed my large canines. “How are you liking your wings so far?”

“They’re fine, so far. But we’re going to have to test whether or not they’re still sensitive later. After we eat and see Celestia, I suppose.”

“Well then, let’s go.” And off we went. As soon as we opened her bedroom door, we stopped.

“Hello, Taya,” I said.

She jumped at me and knocked me back a few steps with a hug.

“How can ponies jump so high?” I asked no one as I propped her up.

“I thought you said you were only going to be gone for a few hours,” she whispered.

“Code word?”

“Watch. What took you so long?”

“I wasn’t expecting this to take so long. Luna didn’t tell me. Apparently last time it took her a week to do it. I just sped up the process so much because I’m awesome.” Luna snorted at that. “Have you eaten yet?” I asked her.

“No. It’s been about twenty hours since you disappeared from the reception,” she said.

“Then let’s go eat,” I said. She scampered back onto my shoulders.

With a loud hmph, she jumped down. “The axe is in my way.”

“Blame Luna. The only use that thing has gotten so far is as a door stopper and a door opener.”

Luna growled at that. “You should have thought of that before becoming my knight.”

“My other choice was Celestia. What would she have gotten me, a dildo sword?”

“I don’t know what that is,” Luna answered. “But it would have been either a sword or a spear. Now come on, I’m famished.” We continued out. “Taya, your father is a very brave stallion.”

“No he’s not,” Taya answered. Luna looked at her in shock. “He’s a very brave man.”

“And a bad one,” I answered, receiving the expected answer of getting knocked to the ground.

“Taya! That wasn’t very nice!” Luna said, pulling me to my feet with magic and glaring at her.

“Nah, it’s okay. I knew she was going to.”

Luna gave a look of surprise to me. “You allow this behavior?”

“Yeah. What am I going to do, forbid her from doing something she believes in?”

“If it’s wrong, yes!”

“That’s assuming it’s wrong.”

“If she’s hurting you, it’s obviously wrong.”

“What if I deserve to be hurt, though?”

“If she’s doing it because you deserve it, she isn’t hurting you nearly enough.”

“So you want me to hurt him more?” Taya asked. “Because I can, if the princess demands it.”

“You’re all sadistic!” I sighed. “Damn ponies call me a terrible person!”

“Well, you kind of are,” Luna answered. I just sighed.

After a moment, Taya said, “Well?”

“I’m not hitting Luna, Taya.”

“She defamed your good name!”

I sighed, pulled my gauntlet off, and slapped Luna’s ass. “There, happy?”

Luna gave me a shocked look, blushing brightly. Taya nodded with a smile.

“Man, why are we walking to the mess hall when we could be teleporting there?” I asked.

“Because you just… slapped my flank!” Luna growled.

“You’re the one who’s hungry, not me,” I said with a shrug. I had gotten good at that in armor. “Why not just take all three of us down there?”

“Ugh. Fine.” After a moment we disappeared and reappeared in the dining room. I ended up on top of a table somehow.

There were a multitude of gasps and shouts when we appeared in the middle of dinner. I noticed one of my feet was in soup. “My apologies,” I said, jumping off the table. The guard whose soup I was in grumbled something. Sounded like he was trying to call the waiter about a human in his soup.

“There you are, Luna!” Celestia called from the front table.

“You two are free to do whatever,” Luna told us as she made her way up to the table. “Just don’t leave Canterlot without telling me.”

Taya was already moving to the line to get some food. I joined her, though I wasn’t all that hungry; I had been eating quite a bit recently. We grabbed some stuff and sat at a mostly empty table.

“Where are the others?” I asked as we started eating.

“If you mean Twilight and her friends, they left earlier today. Pinkie wanted to wait for you, but the others pulled her away.” Interesting.

“What about Chrysalis and Doppel?”

“Still in the palace. They didn’t try anything.”

“And the shield?”

“Gone.”

“Good. Looks like we made a peace of sorts. Do you know if a deal has been made yet?” She shrugged. “Well, it’s not really our problem. As long as I’m not called to fight, at least.” She just continued eating, and I joined her. The soup was pretty decent, but I suspect it was less so with a boot in it.

We finished eating quickly and got up to leave. I almost ended up back down when I found myself getting hugged by a night guard. “Uh, hi,” I said, patting him on his back.

He pulled back grinning. “Thank you, Sir Navarone. That bonus you gave me helped me finally get married and buy a house. Thank you so much.”

“No problem. Just don’t forget that the princesses don’t exactly know about this. Be careful with your spending, and make sure to spread the word around.”

“Oh no, Princess Celestia knows. She knows and she approves.”

“Oh. Huh. Well, I guess do whatever floats your boat. But just remember that this bonus was a onetime thing, unless you get picked for a job like this again and you end up getting lucky. Don’t spend more than you have.”

He saluted. “I’m not going poor again.” He dropped his salute. “And if you ever need a bruiser, ask any of the night guards. We all have your back, now. You may have only given the bonus to those of us in the expedition, but we look after our own; that money was enough to give everypony a bonus of four years’ wages.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “That was really generous.” It probably wouldn’t have happened in my world. “Sounds to me like you guys need thanks more than I do.”

He smiled at that. “You’re the one that gave us the idea and the bits to use. Anyway, I need to get to my shift. Nice talking to you, Sir Navarone.” With another salute, he went off.

I turned and found Taya looking at me. “What?” I asked.

“You’re not a bad person.”

“Let’s go... do something, I guess. Any ideas?”

“We can talk to Chrysalis and Doppel. I know Doppel, at least, wanted to talk to you.”

“Talk to me, or punch me in the face again?”

“Talk. And that’s all she’ll be doing.”

“Good. We can to go my room so I can get out of this damn armor first.” And off we went. We got to my room easily enough and the armor went clattering to the floor. “Can you magic this stuff clean?”

“Easily.” Her horn glowed and it all returned to pristine condition.

“I knew there was a reason magic didn’t completely suck. I just need to get changed and we can go.” I did that and grabbed my throwing knives and we went down a door.

I knocked and it opened. Doppel looked out at me. She blinked, and motioned us inside. “So you’re finally back, Navarone,” Chrysalis said from her couch. “We were wondering when you would return. Oh, and you have new wings and even prettier eyes.”

“I’ve been in the palace for quite a while. I’ve just been busy. Unfortunately I didn’t get to get drunk, so there’s still a barrel of booze next door that you’re welcome to. I have been running all over the place.”

“I’ve heard. Or at least, I have heard a bit of it. Apparently you did something quite nice, or so Celestia seems to tell it.”

I shrugged, a much easier feat without armor. “You could say that. Apparently I just helped loot and then activate a dream machine or something. While we were looting that, we picked up a bunch of coins and gems. I just made sure the guards that were with me got a cut.”

“That is quite nice of you. I would not have done that. I doubt Celestia or Luna would have either, though Celestia appears to have approved, now that it’s done.”

“Well, she kind of had to. It would have been political suicide to take the money from the troops now that they have it, and it would be better to be seen as generous by approving it than be seen as cruel by denouncing it. And saying nothing would probably hurt rather than help. So she might as well do the smart thing and appear kind and generous.”

Chrysalis smiled. “It is a shame Luna has sunk her claws in you. I know I could use you, though politics are of much less concern where I come from. There, I rule.”

“I have to wonder though… If the shield is gone, why are you still here?”

“I saw Ditto today. He assured me that the promised convicts and love poisons have been delivered. I am currently not needed among the swarm. I will be leaving shortly, however; some things just need finalizing before I return home.”

“A shame. I will miss talking to you. I am unable to talk to any of the ponies as I was with you. I can’t win with some of these ponies.”

“I understand. They are not quite like us, which is in some ways a good thing.”

“I even got Luna a little freaked out today. I had to protect her in that dream world we were in. That entailed killing quite a few constructs that chose the form of people we knew and loved. She seemed disturbed that I didn’t hesitate to shoot any of them.”

“If they were constructs, why would you hesitate?”

“Exactly. I knew they weren’t real and she knew they weren’t real. Apparently I was supposed to feel some hesitation.”

“Who all did you have to kill?” Taya asked.

“Twilight and her five friends. Celestia. Luna. My parents. My sister. You. Myself. A few other friends. Luna’s parents. A kitten. A few other things.”

“Oh,” she said in a quiet voice.

“That wasn’t the real you, Taya.”

“I know.”

“Can I watch it all play out, Navarone?” Chrysalis asked, looking at me with a bit of hope.

“There’s not really much emotion in there, but if you can read my mind like Celestia, sure. Just don’t go any farther than that.” She eagerly got to her feet and stepped over to me and Taya and bent her head down, her horn glowing.

A few minutes later, she stepped back. “Marvelous. Such destruction… such carnage! If only you had such tools to work with here… Do you think you could make them?”

“It might be possible to make a basic gun. Gunpowder isn’t too hard to make, I don’t think. I couldn’t manufacture anything as refined as an AK-47, though. The power armor and the bolter were way ahead of anything in my time.”

“If you would be willing to make simple guns for my people, I would give you anything you desired.”

“I don’t know how to make a gun that a changeling would be able to use.”

“Navarone, we are changelings. Make a gun you can use and they’ll turn into you to use it.”

“Most of them can’t walk on two feet, but that can be changed. Still, I think I will pass. I might teach a few how to do it, but I don’t think Equestria really needs that knowledge.”

She made an unhappy sound. “Very well. You have helped me and my changelings out enough, I suppose. If you are ever near our territory, you are welcome.”

“Where is your territory, though?”

“We have hives spread out all over Equestria. There is one not too far away from a place called Ponyville, and another near a place called Hoofington. I personally live near a place called Appaloosa. All of our hives are interconnected by several tunnels.”

“So you’re like the naga and a few of the dog clans, then.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Do not speak to me of the dogs.” She calmed herself. “But we are somewhat similar, yes. I wonder if your princesses would be willing to let me borrow you…”

“What for?”

“Hopefully to help wipe out a persistent problem. If not that, then to help negotiate with that persistent problem.”

“You’d have to ask them.”

“I will. I’ve a bit of time left before I leave. When do you return to your home?”

“Tomorrow, hopefully. I am growing weary of living in the palace. Now that all of the spells have been removed from my mind, it might be easier, but this past week has been… interesting.”

She smiled. “You finally detected that, then? I was wondering when you would.”

“There were three others on me when I decided to get Luna to check me.” Her eyes went wide. “Apparently Celestia hit me with one over two weeks ago. Twilight hit me with one when she was poisoned. And I think I got another one when I was drugged.”

“It’s a wonder you were able to do anything at all, with that many libido spells on you! How did you manage?”

“I have a bit of natural resistance to mental spells. Not too much, but I guess it’s enough. Shining Armor actually tried to read my mind a few hours before the wedding. I was able to kick him out three times. He was not happy to receive images of me having sex with his sister or with you.”

She grinned. “He was probably ashamed at the feelings you gave me that he couldn’t. I feel sorry for Mi Amore Cadenza.”

“I feel sorry for Shining Armor. Cadance is annoying, though she did get a bit better there at the end.”

“It’s possible to grow accustomed to anything, I suppose. Can I trouble you for another light snack? So few ponies are willing to feed me.”

“By all means.” She stood again and approached. “What do you want tonight?”

“Surprise me.” Her horn lit up.

An intermission from the lovable Discord

When Chrysalis entered Navarone’s mind, she did not find what she was expecting. She went in looking for emotions.

She found me.

“This isn’t right,” she said as her entire mental form was pulled into my grasp. “What is going on here?”

I appeared before her. “Hello, my dear,” I said as she backed away a bit in surprise. “You might remember me. I am Discord.”

With a scream of rage, she charged me. I snapped my fingers and she stopped in place, what looked like bubblegum holding her hooves to the ground.

“Now now, my dear. There’s no need to thank me for what I did for you!”

“You took me from my people! You doomed an entire race just for your laughs!”

“The alicorns were so boring, though! I like them much better now. Horns, but mostly unable to use them. Brains, but unable to think. So much better than the beasts they were before. They hated me mindlessly, so I made them mindless in turn.”

“Hated you for good reason! Release me, monster!”

“Why? So you can attack me again? I think not. We need to have a talk, you and I.”

“I am not interested in anything you have to say! Not after last time!”

“Oh? And what if I promise to remove the curse upon your people?”

“Your promises mean nothing. I found that out the hard way, and I refuse to make the same mistake!”

I snapped my fingers, bringing up a mirror. “The alicorn race is dead, Moonbeam.” She flinched at that name. “They might still be fighting back, but they will never recover. Celestia finally realized this, and allowed Cadance to marry in peace. A few male alicorns might be found, but the race will never come back. So why try to relive the past? You are a new species entirely. I made sure of that. But you are a species dependent upon others. I can remove that dependency.” I showed her a possible future in the mirror. She looked at it in wonder before shaking her head and glaring at me.

“At what cost? You have full power over us, if memory serves. Why would you want our willing help, if you could just force it?”

“Because, my dear, I grow weary of forcing all of you to work with me. I want companionship for the eternities, not slaves. But I don’t want just anyone with me for eternity. I want those that can earn it. Those that can earn my respect. Voluntarily helping me in the coming battle—if it can be called that—will earn you a place at my side. You have lived for some time, Chrysalis. What would you say to living a bit longer?”

I knew her thoughts. I could see her mind, after all. “And you could remove my pony’s need for emotions?”

“I gave them that need, Chrysalis. Of course I can remove it. And I will, if you join me.”

“What would it entail? Who would we have to fight?”

“Why, all that oppose me! Celestia and Luna are most likely, and the dragons will probably be on the fence. I will work for peace with them, but be ready for anything. Luna and Celestia will, of course, oppose me, but I will likely subvert them in time.”

“And the human? What of Navarone?”

I smiled. “Dear Chrysalis, who do you think my real agent is in this world? What better species to plan a war than one that lives a constant war within as well as without—as I know you have seen? Where Navarone goes, I go. What he sees, I see. And Celestia has been sending him to some very interesting places, recently…”

She blanched a bit at that. “So how do I know you’ll keep your word? And how do I know that this isn’t a test from Celestia?”

“Because you know what Celestia, of all ponies, thinks of me. She would be very displeased at any pony that ever considered using my beautiful form in any manner at all. But if you want a way to test my word, let Doppel feed off Navarone. I will remove her hunger. Forever. So, do we have a deal?”

I snapped and the bubblegum disappeared. I proffered my hand. She looked at it for what seemed like a long time. After a moment, she reached her hoof out to shake it.

“And Chrysalis? No one is to know of this. You will be unable to speak of my return to anyone you want, and this memory will be blocked from any other access. You won’t even be able to write it down.” I let her hoof go and she left it fall to the floor, considering all that I had told her. “Be ready, Chrysalis. I am coming.” I snapped my fingers.

Chrysalis backed away from me with a sharp breath. “Are you okay?” I asked. “I didn’t know if you would like the taste of that one…”

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. I looked on, concerned, and Doppel came forward. After a moment, Chrysalis coughed. “I have… had a lot… on my mind.” She went to sit down and then gave me a long and hard look. “There is more to you than meets the eye, Navarone.”

“I’ve been told that before, Chrysalis.” I looked to Doppel. “Are you hungry as well?”

Chrysalis answered for her. “Yes, she is. Feed, Doppel.”

Doppel looked back to Chrysalis for a moment before turning to me. She approached. “Sorry, Navarone,” she whispered. She reached her horn over and it glowed for a second. I gave her some memories. She pulled back with an odd look. “That’s… odd,” she said. “I feel a lot more full than I should.” She shrugged. “Interesting memories, though.” She walked back to her place at the door.

Chrysalis was looking at me in shock. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked her.

“Yes. Though I think I need to cut our meeting short.” Taya hopped off me and I stood.

“I might see you later, Chrysalis,” I said. “But I’m probably leaving some time tomorrow.”

“I see. Then I suppose we might meet again. Goodbye for now, Navarone.”

Taya and I headed back to my room. “She was totally not fine,” I said as we sat down.

“Then why didn’t you stay and comfort her?”

“Because I’m not good at comforting others. You saw how terrible I was at it when Twilight was crying on my floor. Hey, do you know if the DJ from the reception is still in town?” She shrugged. “Damn. I wanted to talk to her. Oh well.” We were silent for a bit. “How would you feel about owning our own place?”

“Our own house, you mean?”

“Yeah. Moving out of Twilight’s place. I have the money, have for some time. I just haven’t done it.”

“It would be nice… But having the library right there is also nice. And she is my teacher.”

“It isn’t something we have to do. I’m pretty ambivalent about it, honestly. It might require me to get a real job, though.”

“Can you keep a steady job, with Celestia and Luna pulling you away so often?”

“There’s the problem. I was hoping for something more mercenary. Hunting in the forest, for example. But again, this isn’t something we have to do. Twilight knows we’re even. Well, sort of. She still owes me for that dragon thing. But I’ve also been living with her for a while, so whatever. We don’t have to move.”

“Are you going to turn your wings back?”

“I’ll know tomorrow. As of right now, I’m leaning to yes. They’re cold this way, and I really do prefer the feathers, even if they are a bit of a pain to keep up. Luna probably won’t like it, but this is my body. If she wants to go around with bat wings, she can do it to herself.” I looked out the window. It was fully dark. “I need to go see Luna again. Go to bed when you’re tired but remember that we return home tomorrow.”

“Okay… daddy.” She jumped on the bed. I went over to the door and turned out the light for her.

“Night, Taya.” I left the room and went down the hall towards the throne room. I figured Luna would eventually end up there.

She did.

“What are you doing here, Nav?” she asked as she walked in.

“Just chilling,” I answered with a shrug. “I think your night guards like me now.”

“I have heard a few of them talking, though I don’t know what about. They definitely like my choice of knight.” She smiled. “So do I. Are you ready to sweep me off my feet again?”

I smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.”

A little while later, we were back in the throne room. “Must I turn your wings back?” Luna asked in a disappointed tone.

“You don’t have to, but I don’t like them this way,” I answered. “Besides, if I’m going to be living in Ponyville, I don’t want to be feared by everyone. It took me long enough to get them to stop staring at me every time I walked past.” Some of my mannerisms after getting back from the Middle East probably helped delay the process.

She sighed. “I suppose you are correct. At least you found the eyes useful.” She bent her head in and changed my wings back.

“If it makes you feel any better, I did like the way I looked before. I just couldn’t stay that way for functional reasons.”

“Not even the skin color?”

“We’ve been over that. Or rather, we’ve been over why I won’t go over it. Skin color means a lot more where I come from than it does here, and I refuse to explain why.”

“But you’re not on Earth anymore.”

“No, I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I lost all of my sentimentalities from that place. I still say someone and everyone instead of somepony and everypony, and I always will. I might change eventually, but for now I think it’s best if I stay as close to myself as I can. It’s one of the few ways I have left of staying human, with all the modifications I’ve had done to me.”

“I remember reading something in one of Twilight’s letters about you… The technological singularity. Tia and I discussed that at much length. You said your race was always dedicated to becoming more than human. Better. And yet here you are, declining gifts to do just that.”

“This is different. A different skin color doesn’t make me better. Different kinds of wings don’t make me better. Longer canines don’t make me better at anything but looking scary and eating meat. I kept the eyes because I have yet to see a single downside to them. And none of this is technological, it’s all magical. I’m all for becoming better; I kept the wings, after all. But different… why change if what you’re changing to isn’t better?”

She sighed. “You are correct, I suppose. Now, I am bored, and I honestly don’t think anything important will happen soon. There are a few nightclubs in this city. Are you interested?”

“Do I have to dance?”

“Yes.”

“Can I get drugged first?”

“That night you got drugged… how many mares did you go through?”

“There were around thirty mares in the pile and ten stallions and Spike. I have no idea what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure a lot of sex was involved.”

She smiled. “I might have to find the recipe, then. But no, you don’t get to get drugged tonight. Hopefully. Shall we?”

“I’m in; Taya’s asleep and everyone else is gone. Good thing you only got banned from leaving the city.”

She smiled. “That has been a saving grace. Let’s go.”

The night was spent the right way: Partying. I had all the stamina I could ever need and Luna had magic to keep herself sustained. I didn’t get drugged, sadly, and I did have to dance. A bit of time was spent just chilling with the party goers, though. Since I did that favor for the night guards, most of the young partiers around knew all about me and were quite pleased that I helped the guards out.

That might not make sense in a world like mine. I mean, the rebellious youngsters going to these kinds of parties are supposed to hate the fuzz. It’s quite a bit different here, especially when Luna started going to nightclubs. Here, the night guards make sure the youngsters get home safely after all is said and done. They break up any fights and make sure the guy that starts it only spends the rest of the night in the brig until he can calm down. Basically, the night guards are pretty chill. Giving them shitloads of cash made them even nicer.

The morning found Luna and me back in the palace. “Don’t tell Pinkie about this,” I warned her.

“I can do anything I want. You have to follow my orders now, remember?”

“That was an oath under duress. It shouldn’t count.”

“Magical oaths mean a lot more than regular oaths, Nav. You’re just lucky you got oathed to someone that likes you.”

“I think I’d prefer not to be oathed at all,” I answered with a sigh. “I really didn’t want to do that. I hate being tied down!”

“Too bad. And it’s a shame that I have an order for you.”

“Does it involve sex, at least?”

“No. Well, maybe. But mostly no. I need you to explore the Everfree forest.”

“What.”

“Nav, I have read some of those letters about your new capabilities. Most animals ignore you, unless they’re smarter than normal. And your jaunt in the ruined castle proves that manticores can’t see you. You should be almost perfectly safe there. And… well, the Everfree has gone mostly uncharted because of how dangerous it is. We know it is a place of magic, but we don’t know what might be hiding inside. Celestia and I both want it explored, and I believe you can do it.”

“I’d really rather not do that,” I answered with more than a little trepidation.

“Too bad. Do it. Feel free to take your time, though. It isn’t really urgent, and I wouldn’t want you to get harmed because you rushed through it.” Dammit. Fucking oaths.

“Do you have any other suicidal orders for me, or is that enough for you?”

“That’s enough for now. But remember when I said that I would never order you to your death? I meant it, Nav. I do not believe you will die—or get hurt—there.”

“And you’re not the one risking your neck based on that belief. But fine, since I have no choice. Can I at least murder the shit out of anything I find there?”

“You are free to kill anything you please. In fact, Celestia and I would prefer you do so; the more dead monsters there are, the less live ones that might make it out and into any of the surrounding cities.”

“Then why not just burn that fucker to the ground? Hire a few dragons to scorch the place. Or do it yourself with magic.” I swear I felt a disturbance in… something… my mind searched for an f word that reminded me of Rarity… Anyway, it felt like I should have been slapped in the face for that comment. Dammit, Rarity. Now you’re reaching across time and space to show your annoyance for common sense.

“It’s not that simple, Nav. Well, I mean, it could be that simple. But both Celestia and I think it would be a bad idea. That forest is evil in more ways than one. It is entirely possible that trying to burn it would result in dire consequences.”

That’s really specific. “So how do you know it won’t react to me exploring with some manner of consequence?”

“You’re only one pon—person. We’re both hoping you’re too alien or too similar for it to notice you.”

“Oh great. You’re making me go into an evil forest because you think the evil inside me resonates with it. Fun.”

“Well when you put it that way… I’m still going to make you do it. There’s no reason to talk it out, Nav. This is an order, and you have to obey.”

That really, really grated. I don’t recall anything about not murdering Luna in my oaths, but that might fall under ‘defending Equestria.’

“It’s really not that bad, Nav! You can stay in a few hours at a time and come out to recover. It might take you a few months, but I believe it can be done.”

“Fuck that. If I’m going to do this, I’m going in for the long haul. I’ll stay there until the damn job is done. I’ll spend a few days back in Ponyville to get some info about the damn place and then get to it.”

“By all means, wait until you’re ready. Just as long as it gets done.”

I muttered something unpleasant. “Fine. When can I leave this city?”

“Whenever you want. I can have a chariot for you and Taya whenever you are ready to leave, and I’m sure Tia will be just as pleased to help.”

“I hope so. I’m ready to just get back. These past few weeks have been… horrible.”

“I can imagine. You’ve been through a lot. It is still early, but you can go now if you want.”

“You know what… Yeah. Get me a chariot called up. I’m not getting delayed here because Celestia wants to talk my ear off about something or another or because Chrysalis wants another snack. I’ll be in my room getting my stuff together and waking up Taya.”

“Of course, Nav. I’ll be there to see you off.” She teleported me to my door, which saved me a few minutes.

I let myself in to find everything as I had left it. Which was good, because I’d have killed a bitch if anything was wrong. I started putting things together, which was kind of hard given that I now had armor and another useless weapon that I didn’t know how to use.

Some of the clattering woke Taya up. She sat up with a yawn. “Are we leaving already?”

“As soon as our chariot’s ready, yeah. You can sleep when we get back to Ponyville; we’re leaving this damn place before I get caught up in another scheme.”

She hopped off the bed. “Works for me. You need any help?”

“Just a place to put all this crap,” I said, waving a hand at the armor. “I don’t have any bags, given how I came here.”

She looked at it. It disappeared.

“Okay, I’ll admit that I didn’t like the armor that much, but I was probably going to use it eventually.”

“It’s back in Ponyville,” she answered. “On your bed. Teleporting objects is a lot easier than teleporting living things.”

“Cool. Think you can do my clothes as well? I can handle the rest.”

“Do you want everything there?”

I pulled out the drawers and set all the clothes on top. “I really don’t want the liveries… But I may have to use them eventually, now that Luna pretty much owns me. God, I HATE that! Why can’t they just let me fucking live my already ruined life? Is it really so much for them to just leave me alone?”

I sighed and rubbed my temple.

“Send it all, Taya,” I finally said, turning to my pile of weapons. I saw a flash behind me. “Sorry to burden you with this. I’m just sick and tired of these motherfucking ponies. Maybe getting to the Everfree will be a nice change of pace for me… I can spend weeks at a time away from them.” I started putting weapons on. “God, I hate how familiar these weapons feel now… Except for that fucking axe. It doesn’t belong on my back.” I walked over to the writing table and looked down. I sighed and began putting things into my large pockets. “Taya, don’t become beholden to anyone. Ever.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t owe anyone money, don’t give anyone promises or oaths, and don’t let anyone do the same to you. It’s just not worth it.”

“What about marriage?”

“If you’re interested in it, by all means. I never saw the appeal, personally; if you love someone, shouldn’t your love be enough? Why get married to prove it? I mean, if you love them, you shouldn’t have to get married to prove it.” I shrugged, still facing the writing desk. “Maybe it’s because my heart is fairly barren. Maybe it’s because I can’t see myself in any relationship at all. Maybe because I’ve been a fish out of water ever since I was born.” I turned. “Are you ready?”

“What about this barrel?”

“I’m leaving it in front of Chrysalis’s door with a note. She can keep it if she wants. If not… Well, I don’t fucking care.” I bent down to the writing desk to write a quick note. I put the note on top of the barrel and left the quill from my feather on top of it. “Do you mind taking that to her room? I want to make sure the room is stowed away.”

Her horn glowed and the barrel floated away. When she was out the door, I checked under the bed. The toys were gone. I walked around the rest of the room, looking for anything of mine or anything that might be Taya’s. There was nothing there. I got outside as Taya was coming back.

“Now what?” she asked.

“Now we wait. Shouldn’t be too long, I hope.”

It wasn’t. A few minutes after I said that, Luna came walking down the hall. We walked up to meet her. “Are you leaving your armor here?” she asked.

“Taya teleported it home,” I answered.

Luna looked down at Taya, who was looking ahead. “You are really progressing, Taya.” Taya didn’t answer. After a moment, Luna looked at me. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” was all I said. She led the way to the chariot. There wasn’t much conversation on the way, though Luna tried to foster a bit.

We managed to get on the chariot and were back home before the sun did too much in the way of moving. It was nice.

I eased the library door open and was not surprised in the least to find Spike and Twilight already awake. Twilight greeted me with a massive hug attack. “I dreamed last night!” she said as she smothered me in a hug.

“Congratulations,” I answered. “Welcome to my world most of the times I sleep.”

“I know Luna explained it to you, Nav. You know ponies aren’t like that.”

“I know. I just don’t really care. I’m surprised you didn’t stay at the palace to study the dream artifact thing. Or to examine any of the ancient books and magical items we brought back.”

Her eyes went wide at the mention of those. “Do you think Princess Luna would let me?”

I shrugged. “Fuck all if I know. You’d have to ask her. She was awake when we left, but she might not be anymore. Just send a message to Celestia asking her to ask Luna.”

“SPIIIIKE!” Taya and I left them there. I went up to my room to check on the stuff Taya teleported in. It was all there, though it was strewn about my room as though someone had thrown it. It’s a difficult spell, I figured, so I wasn’t really angry.

I put the regular clothes back where they belonged and put the liveries in the darkest corner of the drawer full of clothing I didn’t like—everything Rarity made that she didn’t listen to me while making. I took one look at the armor and left it all wherever it fell on the floor. I set the axe down against the wall and put the other weapons where they usually were.

I looked around one more time. My room looked like it belonged to someone that knew how to fight. Homecoming’s a bitch.

Chapter Thirty-Seven—Fishing, monsters, and running away

Chapter Thirty-Seven—Fishing, monsters, and running away

A week later, I dragged Spike to go fishing. I absolutely hate fishing, and he wasn’t much a fan of the concept, but I needed to talk to him without the prying ears of ponies nearby. My plot was almost foiled by the trio of terror, though: “Whatcha doing, Nav?” Sweetie Belle called, drawing the attentions of all three of them. Spike and I were toting hook and line—though why ponies even have stuff like that was beyond me, since they couldn’t pull the string or eat the fish. I had my crossbow slung around my shoulder, since we were going to be so close to the woods.

“Can we come?” Applebloom asked before they even heard my answer.

“We’re going fishing,” I answered. They looked at me, confused. “We’re going to catch fish,” I tried. That, they understood.

“That sounds… interesting,” Applebloom said as they trotted up to us. “Can we help?”

“We’re going to clean, cook, and eat them afterwards. I don’t want you to see that.” Spike suddenly looked a lot more interested at the prospect, while all three of the ponies looked somewhat sickened.

That was almost enough to change their mind, but Scootaloo had to open her damn mouth: “Our teacher is always talking about how we should respect different cultures. Maybe it would be interesting to see?”

I tried a different tactic. “You wouldn’t just be seeing it. You’d also be smelling it. Nothing like the smell of a disemboweled fish. Drives most animals in my world crazy to be in the same room with it.” Not entirely true, but whatever. “I’ll not subject any of you to that.”

“And Spike will be fine?” Sweetie Belle asked, casting him a sidelong look.

He puffed up, “I’m tougher than any pony!” The girls snickered at that, and his cracking voice. He gave them a baleful glare.

“He got used to the smell in Egypt.” I gave him a look telling him not to call me on the lie. Turns out he didn’t need it, since it was actually true; I forgot they had fisheries in Alexandria while we were there. “He’ll be fine. You won’t.”

“Then what are we supposed to do for a day?” Applebloom asked. “Taya is studying with Twilight, class is over, and no pony else wants to play…”

“You were amusing yourselves long before I came into town. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

We left them at a fork in the road, with them trying to figure something out.

We went to the nearby lake the three fillies seemed to be afraid of, so they wouldn’t be tempted to come find us later to bug us some more. I grabbed a few sticks to tie the line onto so we could work more easily.

When we got everything set up, Spike turned to me. “Nav… Why are we out here?”

“You’re getting wiser. Good. I hate fishing. We need to talk, you and I.” I paused, somewhat unsure of how to continue.

“And we couldn’t do that back in the library?” Spike asked, toying with a blade of grass.

“I think you know this kind of conversation can’t be had among the ponies. You know what I’m talking about, dude.”

He sighed. “The party?” he asked.

“The party,” I confirmed. “I’ve been thinking about it and I think I might have screwed up, putting you in that position. My first time… was not by choice. I shouldn’t have done that to you, Spike.”

“Dude, I’m cool with it. I wish I could remember a bit more, but honestly, I’m okay! I’m not a baby anymore, despite what everypony seems to think.”

“I know you’re not. And I suppose it’s a good thing you’re okay. I’m not so certain I would be if something like that happened to me on my first time. Especially if I liked a chick when it happened.”

He sighed. “I’ve been thinking about Rarity, Nav. She is… well, annoying. Beautiful, generous, but she is so very, very annoying.”

“Yeah. I couldn’t imagine living with her as it is now. I imagine if she liked you that she would be an angel, though. As generous as she is, she would make a very good special somepony. I just couldn’t imagine myself getting there with her.”

“I’ll keep trying, but I think I’ll keep my eyes open, as well. A female dragon would be a much better fit, especially since I’m going to be living so long.”

“Love while you can, Spike. If what you feel is love, don’t let anything stop you.”

He snorted. “That seems like an odd thing for you to be saying. Do you even know how many mares you ended up with these past few weeks?”

“I was under a spell, dammit! And then I got drugged! It wasn’t my fault.”

“I don’t hear you complaining.”

“Dude, I got laid all week. There were definitely four mares, one changeling, and one dragoness. And then there was that party that I got drugged and I don’t even know. I don’t regret much about that.”

“It just seems odd to be hearing advice about love from you, is all.”

“Just because my heart is barren and empty doesn’t mean I don’t know some simple things. I’ve gotten really good at faking, and I’m working on nurturing something simple with Taya.”

“I can’t believe Celestia made you take her. Did she give you a good reason, at least?”

“She didn’t give me one, but I have my suspicions. You know that Luna loves me, right?”

“WHAT?!”

I waved a hand. “Yeah, she loves me. But I don’t love her. I can’t love her, you know. We’ve been trying to keep it all under wraps, but you’re going to learn one day since you and I are going to grow old together, assuming we both survive. Anyway, Celestia is trying to play matchmaker, I think. Long story short, Luna did something fucktarded and got locked in the city of Canterlot for seven years. That was around three years ago now, I think. Since I still can’t love, I wasn’t planning on trying to date her at the end of it. I think Taya is here in a misguided effort to remind me of my humanity.”

“That’s… a lot to take in. And it’s really messed up, bro.”

“You’re telling me. That’s what I’ve been living these past few years. You’re lucky you grew up among these ponies, Spike. Ever since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been getting run ragged. There was a time or two I got close to killing myself because I was just tired of dealing with all this shit. I really need an outlet, but I haven’t found anything safe yet. I ran out of alcohol last night. I don’t know when Scratch is going to start sending me barrels, but it’ll probably be a while.”

“What do you mean, an outlet?”

“A way to expend my growing rage and despair. I can’t deal with this internally anymore. I’ve got to get it all out somehow. Luna is demanding that I go into the fucking Everfree forest. I’m thinking I’ll just go in there with my new axe and kill everything I find that moves. I might even drag some of it out for you to eat.”

He looked at me askance. “Why would you want to go in there?”

“I don’t! I’m a fucking knight now, remember? I have to do as Luna orders. Damn her and Celestia both to hell for it. I’m tempted to kill myself to spite them. The only saving grace about that forest is that nothing in there can see me since I’m part tree.”

He shook his head. “Your life sucks. Remember when I said I wanted to trade for a day? Never mind, bro; you can keep it.”

“Figured as much. Hell, my streak of landing the mares is probably going to stop now that I’m back in Ponyville and no longer afflicted by that damnable spell. Back to another large dry spell for me. And it’ll be even worse, since I’m going into the damn forest soon.”

“When are you going to go in?”

“A few days. I’ve been learning what I can from Twilight and Fluttershy, though I haven’t told either one why I’ve been asking. I just let them assume that since I took an oath to fucking ‘defend Equestria’ that I’m doing it so I can be better prepared to defend this place.”

“Learn anything useful?”

“Yeah. That place is dangerous. The plants and animals both want to harm you. Very few explorers have gone there. Or rather, very few explorers have come back from there. It’s widely considered evil but no one knows why it’s evil. Or if they do, they’re not telling anyone else. I blame Nightmare Moon, personally, but I don’t have any proof.” I shrugged. “And I don’t want to go there at all. Seriously, fuck being a knight.”

“Surely there are some benefits, though.”

I snorted. “Yeah. Every night guard in Canterlot loves me. Assuming I have my axe on me, I can probably order around any guard at all. That’s pretty much it, as far as I’ve seen.” I thought. “Well, there is one thing. I’ve gotten invitations to every event that’s happening everywhere in Equestria. Derpy had to bring a spare bag for all the mail I’ve been getting. All that fire fodder is nice.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t be interested in any of those either…”

“Rarity’s kind of pissed at me for telling Taya to burn them all. She thinks I should be going to each and every fucking event. I offered her the invites, but she quickly declined. Hell, I even offered to take her as my ‘date’ to some of the more ridiculous sounding ones. When she read the invites to them, she declined again, saying she had something to do during every day the events were on.”

Spike smiled grimly at that. “That’s Rarity, alright. Always so generous…”

We talked for a good little while after that, with no fish taking the bait we had set up. That was just as well for me, since I had never cleaned one before and didn’t really know how. I’d do my best to wing it, if we had caught one, but meh.

Around the time I figured we could head back without arousing too much suspicion, Spike finally got one: A massive tentacle came out of the darkness of the lake, grabbing the hook, line, pole, and almost Spike in one quick motion. It was only my reflexive snatch at him that kept him from being pulled under with his pole. He was too shocked to let go, and would have been ripped under if I hadn’t been holding him hard enough for the pole to be yanked from his hands.

We were both staring wide-eyed at the lake, gaping. When we saw a single massive eye looking up at us, I almost pissed myself.

There’s no way this lake is big enough for… whatever that is. That thought was followed by, No wonder the fillies are afraid of this lake. That was followed by, Oh shit, can it still grab us? I ran, pulling Spike behind me. He didn’t report any tentacles reaching out of the lake for us, but didn’t give me any qualms about being dragged either.

When we finally got to what I was hoping was a safe distance, I breathed out, “What the fuck?”

“I have no idea, man. How is that thing even living in there?”

“I don’t know! I don’t think I want to know. I do know that I won’t be going near that lake again.”

“You got that right!” He shuddered, probably thinking about being pulled under the waves by something like that. “We gotta tell somepony about it, though.”

“Hell no!” At his look, I explained: “Guess who would be called upon to deal with it. I won’t lie: I wouldn’t mind scuba diving some more. But not if I’m hunting for something that can eat me. It hasn’t hurt anything yet, that we know of. I say we pretend we never saw it.”

“That seems… dangerous, Nav.”

“Yeah. But it won’t be dangerous to us, because we know it’s there.”

He snorted. “Some hero you are!”

“I never claimed to be a hero. Anyone who called me that was wrong. I just occasionally end up in positions where being heroic is really the only option.” He rolled his eyes, but didn’t press the issue.

A few minutes into the walk back, he asked, “So when was the last time you even went hunting in there, anyway? And can I go with you sometime?”

“Tell you what: We’ll go in after I finish exploring it. I should know where the best game trails are by then, and where it’ll be safest to bring you in.”

“I know this might seem odd, but… How do ponies taste?”

“That depends on what they’re eating, really. Diet plays a pretty big part in what something tastes like. Back where I come from, horse was supposed to be sweet, and very good. I’ve never had it, though. Here… I don’t know. I’m sure most would probably taste pretty damn good. But I would only ever eat one if I was starving. And I’ll hear no more talk from you about this. You may be a dragon, but to eat a sapient being… It seems wrong, to me.”

He nodded. “I wasn’t planning on it. But still…” At my look, he stopped. “So how should you deal with the bodies of dead opponents?”

“I left one pony to rot in the desert. The cats… Well, the assassin I killed got dumped in a river to hide his body. I don’t know whatever happened to the few I killed on the liberation campaign. The naga camp was mostly burned with all the bodies in it, I later learned. Generally, treat your opponent with respect, if you are able. It is what you would want them to do to you. Don’t let that stop you from fighting dirty, mind. But if he surrenders or is captured or is killed, be respectful. It never hurts to be polite, as long as you don’t take unnecessary chances.”

“You have some strange rules, Nav. Fight dirty and then be nice when they lose?”

“I’m not about to fight fair. I’m not stupid. I’d rather live and be called a coward than die and be called honorable. But when the fight is over and the enemy is harmless—or at least, as harmless as anything in this world can be—there’s no reason to be rude to them. If you’re kind to a defeated enemy, their friends are more likely to be kind to you if you end up captured. In most cases, at least. Of course, if an enemy has information I need, I will learn that information. Celestia has refused to ever allow me to torture someone, but… she doesn’t know the mind of a human. We’ve developed all manner of ways to get people to talk without leaving any visible marks.”

“…So I just decided that whatever side you’re on, I’m on.”

“Good! I’d be terrified to fight a dragon. Especially one that could fly. Any fewer I might have to draw steel against is good news in my books.”

“When you put it that way…”

“No take backs!” He smirked at that. “Me, I would never say I wouldn’t fight someone in the future. There is no telling what the future may bring, and no telling what manner of promises might bite you in the ass.”

“You speak from experience?”

“Not my experience, but the experience of many a human. Massive wars were started because one group agreed to help another group in a fight, and many people were killed because one group swore not to raise arms against another.”

“I’ll remember that, next time. How many wars have your people even fought?”

“No one knows. History has forgotten uncounted numbers of them. In the past hundred or so years, my people alone fought in eight or more. There were tons more in other places in the world. Millions died from violence. Bombs were constructed that could lay waste to entire cities. There were enough made, and made stronger, that the world could be killed hundreds of times over. Only two of those bombs were ever used in war, and they made a country that vowed to never surrender break.”

“So,” he finally asked as we were walking up to the first buildings in town, “with all your new experience with the ladies, do you have any more tips to give me about Rarity, if I continue trying to get her?”

“My suggestion is to just give up entirely. I don’t think you want any part of her.”

“Any part of who?” a pink blur asked, jumping out of some bushes and tackling me.

“I’m afraid that’s none of your business, Pinkie Pie. Now, would you kindly get off me? My wings are not made to be crushed this hard.”

“What, the big, strong human can’t protect himself from a weak little pony?” she gently mocked.

“I was being polite. If you wan—” before I even finished, I rolled us both over, hauled her to her feet, and jumped on her back. When she opened her mouth to squawk in protest, I slid the crossbow off my shoulder and jammed the sling into her mouth; it would be an awkward bit, but it would do. I pulled on my makeshift reins to try to calm her.

She did not like that at all. I almost found myself sailing through the air; it was only my long time of dealing with much larger horses back in the day that kept me on her.

“Now Pinkie, that’s no way to behave to your rider!” I scolded her. Spike was trying his best not to laugh, and I couldn’t tell what Pinkie was looking like; she was giving me a run for my money, but I was done playing nice. I gently tapped her sides with my heels; I wasn’t wearing spurs, but it got her attention. I felt her flinch when she realized what I could do to her. She quickly stopped fighting, her sides heaving slightly and her hair almost entirely deflated.

“That’s a good girl. Now, my little pony, what have we learned?” I asked, not removing the bit. She tried to spit it out, or bite it, but I made sure it was strong when I had it made. “Hm… I bet I could make you prance me back to Twilight’s library…” I could feel her quaking in indignation. “You’re the one that attacked me, remember. Just be thankful I’m nice.” I let the reins go and hopped off her back.

She shuddered slightly. “Now I know why the princess uses you…” she whispered, looking at me in something approaching fear. Then she smiled again, her hair returning to its massive bulk. “I sure did surprise you, though!” Most people, not knowing Pinkie Pie, would ask her why she had been hiding in bushes in the first place. I didn’t bother, knowing I wouldn’t find a decent answer.

“Yeah, you did. And look where it got you.”

“I’m not used to losing a wrestling match… My sisters and I used to fight so much that when I came here I never had any problems beating anypony aside from Applejack!”

“You’ve also never fought anyone that has an intense phobia of being constricted.”

“I’ll remember that, next time,” she answered, smiling deeper.

“If there’s a next time, I won’t be as nice.” She huffed. “No, that isn’t a challenge. That’s a warning that it doesn’t need to happen again. It’s hard to tell you’ve gone too far when there’s a bit in your mouth.” She looked contemplative. “And no, that doesn’t mean to tell someone else to pounce on me, either.”

“But Applejack would look so cute being dominated like that!” Pinkie Pie crooned.

“I don’t know about cute, but it would be funny as hell. I don’t think she would give up as easily as you did, though.” We were nearing the library, now.

“You call that giving up easily?” Spike asked. “The way she was bucking and kicking, I thought you would go flying for sure!”

“I had some practice in my past life, remember?”

I saw that click on Pinkie Pie’s face. “No wonder I couldn’t throw you off!”

When we got to the library, we saw all the rest of the cadre standing inside, discussing something or another. When Pinkie Pie saw Applejack, she got a glint in her eye.

“No,” I told her. She looked at me with a smile. “No,” I repeated. Her smile turned pleading. “Not just no, but hell no.” Her look turned sullen. “There are not enough no’s out there. I’m not going to stand out here all day, repeating myself.” I turned the latch on the door, and entered into a debate that hushed itself as I entered. “Ladies,” I nodded, walking in. Spike and Pinkie Pie followed me in.

The door slammed shut behind Pinkie. I looked around and saw them all staring at me. “Okay, what’s this intervention for?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

“You running from your problems!” Twilight said.

“Now Twilight, we talked about this,” Rarity said to her. She turned to me. “We’re not here to be confrontational, Nav. But you really do run from your problems way too much!”

To be fair, I had to stop myself from jumping through the window as soon as the door slammed shut.

“Okay. I’ll stop. You can all leave now.”

They all gave me that woman look, Pinkie and Spike excluded. “Do you really think we’ll buy that?” Rainbow asked.

“I was hoping, yeah,” I answered. “Okay, how about you name a few problems I dealt with by running away and I’ll explain why I did so.”

“When I… poisoned you,” Twilight said. “You refused to talk about it and wouldn’t have even listened to my apology if Taya didn’t make you!”

“Talking wouldn’t have solved a damn thing there,” I said. “I was trying to save us time and an awkward moment. You know my mind works differently than a pony’s. That wasn’t running, that was being economical.” She looked down.

Rarity sighed. “When Pinkie and I did… things to you, you never once truly confronted us about it, Nav.” A few of them were confused by that. “What we did was wrong, but you never did anything!”

“It was my word against yours. No one would have listened to me. I was just saving more time. Of course, that was before I knew that Celestia could read someone’s mind. By the time I learned, it was just a horrible memory that I still have nightmares about.”

That got a few looks. “What are y’all talking about, again?” Applejack asked.

I waved a hand. “Pinkie and Rarity used pheromones against me when I was a stallion and raped me.”

“That’s… not something to joke about, Nav,” Applejack said.

I gave Rarity a look and said, “Next.”

Fluttershy said, “After the dragon migration, when you were injured and came to me for help, you refused to follow my instructions and then let your pride take over as you ran back home, rather than accepting my help.”

“I told you then: Your psychotic rabbit gathered all the animals in your house and they tried to attack me.” She gave me a look. “I wish I was joking, Fluttershy. Angel is a dick and a psycho. Ask any of them,” I said, waving my hand to the others. They all refused to meet her gaze. “I rest my case. I was doing myself a favor, getting out of your house. No offense to you; you’re a wonderful nurse or doctor or whatever. You just have shitty housemates. Next.”

Pinkie simply said, “Luna.”

“Okay, let’s see you face down the second most powerful person on the planet. Actually, no, not you. I could see you overthrowing Celestia with no problem. Let’s see just about anyone else take on the second most powerful person on the planet. Avoiding that problem has kept me alive. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, good.”

“You’re still hurting her, Nav!” Twilight asserted. “She may not know the details, but I’m sure she heard about most of your exploits that week!”

“Twilight, I don’t care.” All their breaths caught. “I don’t love her.” I shrugged. “I might one day. She’s really nice and I know she loves me. But right now I’m too pissed off at her. Let her suffer. Let her feel every pang against her heart for what she’s forced me into. I. Don’t. Care. Next.”

A few of them looked like they were about to cry. “You’re awful,” Rarity whispered.

“I know,” was my answer. “Next.”

Applejack finally said, “That party in the cellar. You managed to get away from Pinkie.”

I smiled. “Yeah, that was funny. I don’t really consider that running away from my problem, since running away was actually the solution. I couldn’t fight her since she was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do. I wasn’t going to let her win. Running away was really the only thing I could do.” I smiled at Pinkie. “I managed to do it too.” She shook a hoof at me, glaring.

Fluttershy again. “You convinced the two naga that were in love to give up their love and run away from each other.”

“Pinkie’s dad gave the best answer there: It’s better that they drifted apart if they didn’t really love each other. I didn’t convince them to give up, I just told them how to do it.”

Twilight yet again. “In Ramla, you ran away whenever you saw my brother and I acting… well, like a brother and sister.”

“Because I remembered my sister. Imagine never being able to see your brother again. Now imagine seeing a brother and sister interacting happily, like you used to with your brother. What would you do?” She looked down. “I needed to get away to think. To try to repress my memories. I couldn’t stand the pain, so I went where I wouldn’t have to feel it for a while. It slowly died down, and I was better by the time we left.” That’s kind of the definition of running from your problems.

Rainbow Dash finally spoke up. “From everything I heard, you spent that entire week at the palace trying to avoid Cadance.”

“Because she wanted to talk to me about Luna. You know her special talent is love. What do you think she would say if I told her what I just told you about Luna? She would probably crucify me. As an alicorn, she could probably get away with it. I tried telling her that at the beginning, when I first met her, but she refused to believe it. After that, I didn’t see any reason to continue trying. Her words: ‘You aren’t leaving my side until I make you feel again.’ I didn’t like the sound of that. And then she started talking about fixing me. That just pissed me off.”

Pinkie said, “Just about everything in the dream machine that you and Luna went into. You killed everything without even thinking about it!”

“Okay, what the hell? How do you even know about that?” She just looked at me. “Yes, I did kill them all. But it worked. Nothing bad happened and it probably saved everyone time. You all get to dream now, congratulations.”

Twilight said, “Navarone, you really have a problem. Why can’t you just admit it?”

“Oh, I know you’re right. I do run from my problems. What I’m trying to figure out is why that’s a bad thing.”

“Running from me is what made me angry enough to poison you,” Twilight said.

“I got better.”

“Running from my home had you flying through town wounded and naked,” Fluttershy said.

“I got better from that and no one really commented on the whole nudity thing.”

“Navarone,” Rarity said, “come here.”

“Are you going to hit me again? Because if you hit me, I swear to God I’ll hit you back.”

“You wouldn’t hurt a lady!”

“I’m crushing Luna’s heart, if you’ll recall.”

She looked pensive for a moment. “Never mind. You can stay there. But you simply must realize that this is bad for you! You won’t get anywhere in life running from your problems!”

I looked at them for a moment before bursting out laughing. They gave me odd looks. When I got control of myself, I wiped a tear away from my eyes. “I’m richer than all six of you combined. I have the ear of both princesses, the king of Egypt, and Queen Chrysalis. A clan of bloodthirsty naga love me. I won a massive tournament in Maris and was offered a generalship in a griffin army. I’m a fucking knight! If you insist I keep running from my problems, you’re going to have to accept that running from my problems has taken me everywhere in life.”

That shut them up.

Until Fluttershy opened her fucking mouth. “And how happy are you? Do you really like any of that?”

Fuck you, Fluttershy. “Not a bit. I hate all of it. I’m tired of this life, I’m tired of being owned by royalty, and I’m really, really getting tired of ponies. There are times when it’s fun, but then there are times like this. There are times when I look at one of your smiling faces and just want to get the fuck away, because I know if I don’t I’ll end up hurting someone or myself. Times where it takes all I can to keep self-control. The princesses have ruined me with their fucking jobs. The shit I went through in Egypt. The mental crushing I’ve been through dealing with politics. Having my mind raped by Chrysalis. I’m getting strung out. And now… now I have to go explore the Everfree forest. I was going to put it off for a few days, but this conversation brought me to one of my points where I feel that I must get away. So if you would kindly move, I’ll go up to my room and grab a few things and be on my way.”

No one moved. I started walking anyway and just fluttered over them with my wings. They all stared at me in a mix of shock and horror as I walked up the stairs. I grabbed my sword, more bolts, several water bottles, and the rest of my knives. I thought for a moment and changed into a set of better clothes, and then grabbed all my gear. Then I went looking for Taya.

Before I found her, I found myself in a familiar and hated sitting room. “I’m not in the mood for this,” I said before I even saw who summoned me.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Nav,” I heard Celestia say.

“As I said, I’m not in the mood for this,” I said as I turned to face her.

She was on a couch, looking at me with concern. “Twilight told me you were having problems, but she didn’t elucidate. What is troubling you?”

“Something that can’t be helped. My mind is struggling again, and dealing with your damnable ponies is making it worse. I need to get away for a while, and Luna’s fucking order to explore the Everfree will help with that. I just need to tell Taya I’m leaving.”

Her look of concern turned to shock for a moment. “Explore the Everfree? Luna asked you to do that?”

“No, she ordered me to do that. This is what happens when you force me to take an oath that I didn’t want. I am quite angry right now, so I would appreciate it if you let me get back to what I have to do.”

“You are hurting, Nav. I cannot let you go into the forest in this condition.”

“If you want to wait until my mind is better, we’re going to be here until the sun blows. My mind is pretty much completely fucked up right now. I want nothing more than to hurt something even though I know it’s wrong. I need some time off where I won’t be able to hurt anyone important. So I’m going into the forest.”

“No, Navarone. You need help. I was hoping you would be able to do this yourself, but I don’t think it is going to work. When your friends tried to get together to help you, you blew them off.”

“Because they weren’t trying to help me. They were trying to change me.”

“I think that to be helped, you need to change. A problem can’t be fixed by not changing something.”

I walked over to a chair and sat. “Fine. Tell me what you think I need to do.”

“Letting go of your past would be a good start.”

“Forgetting? I don’t think that is a good idea. I am who I am because of my past, and I rather like who I am, even if I hate just about everything else in my life.”

“I don’t mean forgetting, Nav. I mean forgiving others for what they’ve done to you. You hold so much anger and sorrow inside. It is not healthy!”

“Oh. That. I would if I knew how. There’s a reason I was trying to get Chrysalis to take it all away. I don’t know what the hell she did to me, but it was… terrible. If that’s how I’m going to act if I manage to put all of this behind me, I am not interested.”

“Even if not doing so means you hurt those around you? Or yourself? Or Taya?”

“I believe I’ve already done all of the above. The thing about having so much pain inside is that adding more is almost negligible. I have done some terrible things while in your employ, and I’ve had some terrible things done to me. Given those, I’ve inured myself to the minor pain I cause others. If I can deal with so much worse, they can deal with the small stuff.”

“To them, this is not small. My little ponies are not strong against this mental anguish, not like you’ve become. But I fear in becoming strong, you’ve also become weak. Your mood dangerously fluctuates, violence is forefront on your mind at nearly all times, you seem to be having trouble controlling yourself, and the worst part is that you not only know these things, but you also don’t seem to care! You are hurting my ponies with your words and your actions. Not physically, but emotionally. You need help, Nav.”

“I know. I already asked you what you thought I should do, and it is something I find myself unable to do. And if I’ll act how I did when Chrysalis took some of the pain, I would rather continue as I am.”

“You admit there’s a problem. You ask for a solution. And you are not interested when I tell you what I think will work. Why must you be so difficult, Navarone?”

“Well that depends. Is it considered rape if my mind was under the influence of a mind altering spell?”

It was worth it to see her blush like that. “I apologize for that, Navarone. I was in heat. I do not ask you to try to understand, just that you forgive me.”

“It wasn’t the worst thing that was done to me that week. That might have been you letting Twilight do what she wanted to me. Or perhaps the aftermath of that.” Now she wasn’t even looking me in the eye. “Or maybe it was the large party I was persuaded to go to by a cute mare. The party where I was drugged and had who knows what done to me. Or maybe it was the life-ruining knighting ceremony I was forced—by you—to go through. You know me and you know yourself, Celestia. How easily would you forgive for some of those?”

She sighed. “It would be hard. I would do it, though, if I knew the pony responsible was truly apologetic for their actions.” She looked up and I saw unshed tears in her eyes.

“Apologetic,” I said. She nodded. “Then perhaps you can convince Luna to remove my oaths.” She looked away. “That’s what it’ll take, Celestia. I do not want to be oathed. You refused to listen to me. Luna gave me a chance to talk, but she refused to listen to any of my reasons. Look at me.” After a moment, she did. “I offered Chrysalis your kingdom. I was going to kill you and capture Luna. She refused. That left me with no other option but taking the knighthood.” I stood. “And until you can remove it, I have a job to do. Send me back.”

“You’re just going to keep getting worse, Nav! I can’t let you do this!”

“You will not earn my forgiveness while I am sworn to anyone. If forgiving is what you think it will take, remove my oaths. Set me free. I will try to get better. Until then, I fear I am of more use to Luna broken. Send me back.” I’m honestly a bit surprised at how she took the news that I offered to kill her. I was expecting her to be rather angry.

Her eyes hardened a bit. “No. You are not getting your way by making me feel bad.” Her voice was growing angry. “I tried reasoning with you. I gave you the easy way. Now here is your other choice: I will rip the painful memories from your mind. I will not have you endangering my ponies. You can either let go willingly or I can force you to.”

I stared at her. She glared at me. “I already told you what would happen if you touched my mind without my permission,” I told her.

“You’d thank me when it was over. I know how happy you were when Chrysalis took some of your pain. If it was all gone, you would thank me forever. And you could finally give Luna the love she deserves.”

“And my feelings mean nothing to you? You know how different I was when just a little of it was gone. You’d be killing me just as much as you would if you stabbed me with your horn and summoned another human to replace me.”

“Of course your feelings matter. That’s why I’m giving you the choice.”

“Then I choose death.” With no other warning, I ripped my dagger out and it was against my chest before she managed to grab me with magic. “Let me die! I’ll not live as a slave, no matter what you or Luna demand!”

“You aren’t living as a slave! You’ll be living as a subject! Why don’t you want to be happy?”

“I am happy! I refuse to be owned. Release me so I can die!”

“No.” My arm fell limp and my dagger was tossed away. Before any blood could be lost, the small cut in my chest was healed. “What am I to do with you, Navarone? I offered you a chance to be happy and you tried to kill yourself. I offered you a chance to make everypony that knows you happier for knowing you. I offered you a chance at love for Taya and Luna. And you would rather die than have it. Why? Can you even explain it?”

“Because of the freedom of choice. I am a free man, Celestia. Or I was a free man, until you forced me to give myself away. If someone tried to force you to take a totally different personality, would you do it?”

“If I would be happier and it would make others happy, yes!”

“No human would. I would wager that most would choose death. I am not a pony, Celestia. I never will be. My mind works completely differently. You might have heard of the concept of spite, but I don’t think you would have ever felt it. I would rather kill myself to spite you than allow you to ruin me. And I can almost guarantee that if you rip my mind open and continue to expect me to be able to do all the shit jobs you’ve been forcing me into, you will be very disappointed. You’ll be left with a loving slave that has no use.”

“I don’t want you to be a slave, Nav. I want you to be a friend!”

“Then let me go. You saw how I was. I was better suited to be a jester than a friend! My mind is fine as it is, broken and all.”

“It is not fine. But I believe you are correct when you say that I should not tamper in your mind. You need help, Navarone. We both know it. And I cannot make Luna let you go.” She sighed. “Perhaps a vacation? Just you and Taya, if you want her there.”

“Not interested.”

“Anywhere in the world you want to go. I can send you there whenever you want and you can be there as long as you want.”

“How about just me. The Everfree forest. Right now, for as long as I want to be there.”

“That might be hard to arrange. There are plenty of openings in Tartarus, though. I’ve heard the sights are great.”

“Okay. Go ahead and send me to Tartarus. Maybe I can find some more red diamonds for Rarity; she loved the last one.”

“On second thought, Tartarus might be full.” She sighed again. “Please, Nav. You need time to think. To decide what you really want.”

“I already know what I really want, but I do need time to cool off. I am running on empty right now, Celestia.” She was probably confused by that. “I have been dealing with nonstop shit for nearly a month now. The Maris party, getting trapped with that horrid woman, the week before the wedding and the week after were just terrible. I have been getting bothered ever since by someone asking me if I’m okay or if everything is alright. I’ve been trying to get out of Ponyville as much as possible, but sometimes they follow me. I can’t talk to the ponies because they are incapable of understanding what I’m going through. They think they want to talk to me about my problems, but if I ever started, it would just be a bunch of awkwardness all bundled into one tight spot. I just need to get away for a while, and none of them can follow me into the Everfree.”

“You know me, Navarone. You know I can handle anything you ever want to talk about.”

“And up until today, you’ve been more interested in fucking me than talking to me. I know you’re a mare, but you’re x thousand years old. You should have some manner of control over that by now, Celestia.”

“There are some things I can do before it starts to deaden the effects, but I never expected any of what happened. I was hoping for the weeklong Maris party to go by and then to have the rest of my heat cycle off, preferably finally fulfilling my needs for once rather than hiding from them.” At my look of near horror, she quickly amended, “Not actually having children, of course! No, just coupling.” She smiled wistfully. “Lots and lots of it, too…” The smile disappeared. “And then it all went wrong. If I let you go, are you going to try to hurt yourself again?”

“Only if you promise on your crown that you’ll never do anything with my mind against my will.”

“I can’t do that. There are a few occasions when I might have to.”

“I think any of those occasions might be something in which you would have my permission. I wouldn’t want your kingdom to suffer because of something I know.”

She was silent for a moment. “You have my word, then.”

“Then you can release me.”

She did. “Sit, Nav. Let us talk. Tell me what is on your mind.” I went over to a chair and after thinking for a moment, began to speak.

I don’t know how long we were there. It felt good to tell the truth, without all the lies I put into my journals because I know they’re being read. It was nice, being able to tell how I truly felt about some things.

I was pretty much done when she looked out the window and said, “I need to meet with Luna to change the sun and moon, Nav. I will talk to her. You will need a good reason for why you no longer wish to be her knight, because you and I both know she will be very distraught.”

I nodded. “I have a few excuses. But since we’re being frank here… Why do you maintain the illusion that you control the sun and moon?” She was surprised at that. “After so long, surely the ponies would allow you to rule by merit alone.”

“I am going to pretend I did not hear that, Navarone.” I could tell by her tone that continuing on that vein would be dangerous. “I expect Luna will be coming here soon, so be prepared.”

With that, she teleported out. While she was gone, I grabbed my knife from where she had thrown it. Ten minutes later, Luna teleported in.

And she was crying. Fun.

“Why don’t you want me?” she practically wailed at me.

“Who said I didn’t want you, Luna?” I asked, holding my arms in a placating gesture. “I don’t want to be oathed to you. I’m still working on the whole love thing.”

“Tia said you didn’t want to be my knight and that you only did it because she made you!”

“Well, that’s true. I told you upfront that I didn’t want to be knighted or to swear any oaths. I do not want to be owned and I do not want the responsibilities of a knight. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

“But being my knight means we can be together without any repercussions!”

“No, it means that in any relationship we might have, you would completely own me. You would be in complete control. That isn’t a relationship, Luna. That is slavery.” That shut her up. Finally, I said, “You really have two choices, Luna. Nav, or Sir Navarone. I can’t be in a relationship with someone that has full control over me. It just wouldn’t work.”

Silence again, aside from her sniffling. After a while, she whispered, “I want two promises from you.”

“Name them.”

“I want you to promise me that you’ll give me a chance when my time is up.”

“And the other?”

“I want you to still be my knight, even without the oaths.”

I didn’t like either of those. But at the same time, I knew it was the best I was going to get. “Deal. Come find me when your seven years are up.”

She gave me a small smile. “As a princess of Equestria, I release you of all oaths pertaining to Equestria and her ponies. Now, you’re taking me to dinner.”

The door opened and Celestia walked in. “I’m afraid not, sister,” she said aloud. “Navarone and I need to talk. He made me a promise as well, and your time is not yet up.”

Luna glared at her. “How long have you been listening?” She didn’t sound very pleased.

“I heard your last statement,” Celestia answered. Yeah, she heard the last statement. What else did she hear? “Unlike some of us, I prefer getting a bit of exercise.”

“As I recall, you teleported to the ritual chamber,” Luna said, cooling down a bit.

Celestia shrugged. “Every little bit helps. It’s hard to keep this figure at my age. Now go on, Luna. Nav and I do need to talk.”

Luna spared one last look to me before walking out. The door slipped closed behind her.

“So how much did you really hear?” I asked her.

“All of it. I teleported to the door as soon as she disappeared. You are manipulative, Navarone. And I believe you have a promise to me that you need to fulfill.”

I grimaced. “I wasn’t actually expecting you to be able to do it. I’m disappointed; I was hoping to stay the same.” I shrugged. “But I said I would do it. Even if it’ll be hard. I forgive you, Celestia. And I hope I’ll be able to remember that.”

She nodded. “So do I. Now there is one more thing you can do for me, while you are still in Canterlot.”

“What do you need?”

“Shining Armor returned from his honeymoon last night. I want you to help him practice mind reading. He never was good at it, though as the captain of the guard he needs to get better. I looked into your mind once, when you allowed me to, and the chaos inside rivals that of anything I’ve seen in a very long time. If he can learn to traverse your mind, he can travel through the mind of anypony.”

“I think I’ll pass. He probably isn’t very happy with me after the memories I gave him, and I really don’t want to see him.”

“Part of letting go of pain is allowing others to do the same, Nav. He realized that what he did was wrong, and you need to realize what you did was also wrong. You could have easily hidden everything from him, but instead you chose to strike back, angering him into trying again and again. I offered to remove the memories for him, and he did accept the removal of two sets, but he kept the third. But you need to talk to him, Nav.”

“Am I being given a choice here, or is this another one of your do it or bust things?”

“You tell me,” she said as the door opened and Shining Armor walked in.

“I’m going to go with something I’m forced into,” I said before he could say anything. “I don’t know why you are so cruel to me, Celestia.”

“Because it’s fun,” she answered with a small grin. “Shining Armor, Navarone has volunteered to help you practice searching minds.”

He opened his mouth but I broke in, “I didn’t volunteer. She said I had to.”

He gave Celestia a look before turning to me. “You don’t have to, Nav. And… I apologize. It was not my place to try to force my way into your mind. I most definitely learned my lesson, even if most of the memories don’t remain.”

I smiled. “Celestia said you kept a set. Which one?”

He scowled. “The one that reminds me why I am a royal guard. The things Kat did to you should never have been allowed, and if I ever catch wind of them happening here, I will crack down so hard the guilty parties will still be reeling when they are in prison.”

“Oh, that’s why? Are you sure you weren’t just the teensiest bit interested in all that she taught me?”

He blushed. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you don’t mind, I would like to get started. Cadance is missing me right now, I fear.”

Celestia and I shared a look and a smile at that. I turned back to Shining Armor. “By all means. And as incentive to do well, I’ll give you… Well, I don’t really have any happy memories, do I? How about this: If you succeed, I’ll give you memories of flight. Failure results in feeling what I felt the first time I killed something.”

He blanched a bit at that. Celestia said, “That seems fair to me.” He looked at her in shock. She said to him, “You are my royal guard captain. It would be good for you to understand how it feels to take a life as Nav did. It is one thing to kill monsters from the Everfree that actively torment my ponies. It is another thing to take a life of something that can think and feel and isn’t directly threatening your charges.”

He sighed. “Very well.” He walked over to where I was sitting. “Prepare yourself, Navarone.” When I nodded, his horn glowed and a light pulsed to my head. “A void… I was here the third time. What do I do, Princess?”

“Explore. If you find resistance, try to slip around it rather than batter through it. Navarone’s mind is not like a pony’s. His human mind and his tree-like qualities allow for much better defenses than most ponies have.”

I could feel his presence in my mind, too. I know it’s hard to imagine, but try thinking about another consciousness in your own brain, rooting through your memories and emotions, or trying to. You can attempt to partition them away, which is what I started doing to Shining Armor as soon as he entered. By now, his position was so small that I would be surprised if he could move at all.

When I started filling where I put him with the feeling of dread, he flinched. “I can’t move!” he exclaimed. His presence began to fight, trying to push back against my mind.

“Stop fighting, Shining Armor,” Celestia advised. Her horn glowed as she joined him. After a moment she said, “He has you trapped, but he left you a way out. You just have to find it.”

I felt the pressure slowly ease down. He began muttering, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. After a moment, I felt him find the crack and he pushed out of the trap and into a labyrinth. “What’s this?” he whispered loud enough to be heard. He began to move forward.

I saw Celestia’s horn begin to glow again and I felt another small presence join him. “This looks like a maze,” Celestia said in surprise. “How is this even possible?” Her mind withdrew from mine.

I was too busy keeping the form of the maze in my mind to answer. It was difficult, but I still occasionally play through the Tower of Hanoi in my mind in my spare time, so it wasn’t too difficult. I have plenty of practice holding things in my mind.

Celestia smiled. “Go forward, Shining. I believe you will know when you are going the wrong way.”

His presence began moving forward. Given that we were in a three dimensional area, he probably could have went up or down and bypassed the entire thing, but the thought never occurred to him. Whenever he started going the wrong way, I dissuaded him with increasing feelings of dread until he got back on the right path. As he got closer and closer, I gave him more and more joy.

When he got to the end, he saw three doors. “This trap again?” he asked with a bit of horror. “I’ve fallen for this before, Nav! You won’t catch me again!”

Celestia’s horn glowed as she looked in again. “You see what he’s showing you, Shining Armor. You see only what he's showing you. There is more there, you just have to look for it.” She stayed there, probably to see what he was going to do.

I felt his presence move, inspecting each door. Each one had the same thing behind it. I wanted to see what he was going to do. After a moment his mind jumped, striking between two of the doors and into the barrier I had put up around him. He didn’t get through. He struck again and again.

I yawned. He growled as his presence stopped. I felt it begin searching the confines of the trap. He found the crack I left quickly enough. He pushed through it to find himself mind-presence to face with Chrysalis. He flinched back a bit before pushing forward. She was smiling at him as she lay on a bed, one of her hooves drawing little circles on the sheets.

He kept going. The next image was of Cadance doing the same thing. He growled again at finding that in my mind. He kept going. Then he found himself on a bed. He was facing away, tail raised and ass in the air. He was looking back with what most ponies seem to think is a sexy look. The real Shining Armor looked like he was about to be sick as he kept going.

“You have quite the imagination, Nav,” Celestia said with a smirk when she saw it.

“You shouldn’t mock a stallion’s desires, Princess,” Shining Armor answered with a strained smile.

The next obstacle stopped him. It was a river of blood flowing as far as he could see in both ways. He couldn’t go under it. He began to feel around for any cracks, but there weren’t any.

Celestia said, “Remember where you are, Shining Armor. This isn’t the physical you, so you can have any shape you need and you can do anything you can think yourself capable of.”

He gasped. “I could have floated over the maze!” I smiled and he scowled. With a jump, he cleared the river with no problems. I thought, You still don’t understand. I let that resonate throughout my mind. “I don’t understand what?” he demanded. I just let laughter loose.

Celestia didn’t give him any answers as he continued. He found himself in a marsh, hard to traverse. He smiled as he floated over it. That smile lasted until he bumped into an invisible wall. You have to figure it out, I thought, letting it bounce around him.

“Figure what out?” he asked, honestly sounding confused.

Celestia finally said, “You can do anything in his mind, but you still continue to follow his path. There is a weakness in Navarone’s mind. He knows it. I know it. You need to find it. If you can, you can stop following his mind and start finding answers.”

He started looking. He found cracks that I easily sealed as he tried to pick through them. After a while, he stopped. “I can’t find it,” he said.

“Yes you can,” Celestia answered him. “I found it as soon as I met him. I could flay his mind open and he couldn’t do a thing to stop me.” Other than kill you, I whispered to them both in my mind.

Shining Armor gaped. I began to enclose him within my mind, allowing more dread to fill in. It’s so simple, I whispered. Something you see every time you look at me. What am I? What do I lack? What am I defenseless against?

He finally understood. “Magic!” His horn glowed even brighter as he used his magic to force a hole in my defenses. I gave him the memories of flight. “No. I want to know of your past, Navarone. Your home.” You will not have these memories. “Then I’ll take them! I want to see what it was like there.” He began pushing in, looking for what he wanted. I gave him every horrifying memory I had of my time here. All the helplessness and terror I felt.

He kept coming.

I reached my hand out and grabbed his horn. Before he could react, I pulled his head back and shot my fist out to punch his throat, collapsing his windpipe. I stood up and kneed him under the chin, throwing him back. He fell, trying to force air through something that no longer worked.

Celestia let him remain that way for a minute before healing him. “The most important lesson in dealing with somepony’s mind,” she said, “is to always make sure that you restrain them before doing something they do not like. If you had gotten somewhere Navarone did not want you to be, he would have killed you. That is why you only ever use this against those that are accused of a crime, and then only to confirm or deny guilt. You learned just about everything you can against Navarone. You’ll have to practice against a unicorn sometime; they have different defenses. Now, I believe you owe Nav another apology.”

Shining Armor shakily stood. “I… am sorry, Navarone. I know it was wrong. I knew it as I was doing it… But I want to know more about you and your people. Surely that is nothing to be deplored!”

“If the knowledge shared is by choice, no,” I answered. “But there are things no one here knows. Things I shall not tell any of them. They don’t even know my real name. Probably never will. I can, of course, answer some questions for you. But you will have to settle for words; setting up all those defenses wearied my mind, so giving you a guided tour would be difficult, and I don’t want to risk showing you something you shouldn’t see.”

“I understand. I would not want anypony in my mind if they tried to look through something I wanted hidden.” I nodded. “I do not wish to take up any more of the princess’s time, however.”

“You know where I live, then. I’ll be away for a while on business, though. Perhaps we can meet the next time I’m in town.” Just keep your evil wife away.

He nodded. “Princess. Nav.” With that, he walked out and away.

Celestia turned to me with a smile. “It isn’t often I see a fight in front of me.”

“That wasn’t a fight, Celestia. That was an ass whooping. It’s a good thing I caught him completely by surprise, or he probably would have mopped the floor with me. I’m not a fighter, not really.”

She kept her smile. “You have such odd phrases! If the fight had turned ill, I would have stepped in. And if you had let him go too far, I would have stepped in as well. I will not let your secrets go so easily to those that have no business in them. I admit curiosity, but I will not betray your trust to satisfy myself. Now, some of what you showed him…” She shuddered. “Where did that image of him come from, Nav?”

“It is as you say: I have a large imagination. I like women too damn much to be gay. I just knew it would creep him out. He had already seen some bad stuff in my mind, what with the whole Kat thing. I knew he could take it while still being unsettled.”

She shrugged. “It worked. You showed him enough that he can probably sneak through most minds without resorting to barreling through them with magic. Most minds wouldn’t even think to use a maze, let alone create one. How did you do that?”

“It was hard. Very hard. I kept thinking that he would notice that there wasn’t a roof and just float above it, but he never did. It’s probably good that he didn’t, because I don’t think I could have stopped him as quickly. And it’s also a good thing that you stopped him from entering any of the doors.”

She nodded. “I saw what you hid there. It’s a shame you had to do it, but I do not want any conflict in my territory, especially not when any of my ponies might be harmed.” It was, of course, my first kill. Going for the doors meant he failed, as far as I was concerned.

I shrugged. “It’s long done. Do you need me for anything else? I’m sure Taya is probably worried, and I need to prepare properly if I am to enter the Everfree come the morrow.”

She raised an eyebrow at that. “You had your oath removed. Why would you still go into that evil place, Nav?”

“Because in a way, Luna is correct. It does need to be explored. And I know that manticore from before didn’t see me. There’s a good chance the animals there can’t even see me.”

“I will not forbid it. It does need to be explored. But would you mind if Luna and I watched out for you while you did, just in case?”

“Sure. I’ll probably be staying in there for weeks, though; I don’t need to eat often, and I know there are some kinds of edible foods in there, as well as sources of water.”

“We won’t be able to watch you all the time, of course. There will be times when we will have to put our full attention on what we are doing. Just be careful, as always.”

“Don’t worry about me, Celestia. I’ll be fine.”

“I hope so. Now, are you ready to go back?”

“I really don’t want to see any of them right now…” She gave me a look. “But I know I have to. I’m ready.”

“Until next time, then.” Her horn glowed and off I went. Fucking unicorns, man.

I found myself back in the library. All of Twilight’s friends had left, and both Spike and Twilight looked like they were about ready for bed. Taya was lying on the floor, looking glum.

As soon as Taya saw me, she perked up. When I looked as though I had gotten my bearings, I was under attack from a hugging filly. “Spike, save me!” I cried as I was dragged to the floor.

“You’re on your own, bro,” he told me, not looking up from what he was doing. Some bro you are.

Thankfully, the hug didn’t last long. Taya got off me shortly. “So when are we going to the Everfree?” she asked me, finally letting me stand.

“We aren’t going any time soon,” I answered. “I am going either tomorrow or tonight, one or the other. You are going to stay here; no reason to endanger another needlessly, after all.”

She gave me an obstinate look. Ever since Taya realized how little protection I have against any form of magic, she has grown increasingly protective of me, at least against physical danger. There have been a few exceptions, what with the whole Twilight poisoning me thing, but Taya has been doing her best to stop any manner of pain from reaching me.

And she supplemented her ‘protection’ of me with magic. She took to learning it with a passion rivaled only by Twilight. It scares me, when I think of how powerful Taya is getting. She could already handle me like a baby those four months ago when she burned me. Now… Now, she’s occasionally able to give Twilight a run for her money. And it had only been about five months since she started learning.

How do you say no to a daughter that could swat you aside like a fly? Twilight’s parents managed. I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

“You seem to be thinking I would be in danger,” Taya answered. “I think I’m considerably more able to protect you than you are able to protect yourself.”

“Magic does not make you invincible,” Twilight told her.

I added, “Celestia thought she could best me like that. I shot her before she even knew I was there. You may have magic over me, but don’t think that makes you perfect.”

It didn’t seem to faze her much. “You know how to shoot from a distance. But what if something attacks you up close? I’ve studied anatomy and I’ve looked over your crossbow. Unless you get lucky or aim well, you won’t be able to stop something with one shot if what you are shooting at is too close. It might eventually die, but by then, it will be too late for you. And I’m afraid I can’t have that.”

All three of us were a bit shocked by her wording. I recovered fastest. “I’ve been protecting myself for longer than you’ve been alive.” Not technically true, but she didn’t know a lie detecting spell. “I do not need, nor will I have, a babysitter to get me through a forest.”

“She isn’t entirely wrong, Nav,” Twilight said, before Taya could hit me with a rebuttal. I gave her a glare. “I don’t mean about her going! But do you really think you should go in there alone, after just one test? I don’t think you should go in there at all!”

“Since you’re making such a big issue over it, it was Luna that told me to do it. She wants to know what all is in there.”

Twilight nodded slowly, but before she could say anything, Taya said, “I know we’re supposed to respect her, but why does she want you dead? Everything she ever asks you to do ends up with you in dangerous places! Why do you keep listening to her?”

“Because right now, I have no choice. I am magically oathed.” That was a total lie. “I am going into that forest alone, because that way I have less people to worry about keeping track of and protecting. No one knows what all is in that place and what all is dangerous. We know some animals don’t notice me. The same isn’t true of ponies. I don’t want to risk anyone. So I’ll go in as a short test and if all goes well, I’ll explore the place thoroughly. There’s no reason for anyone else to go with me, unless I find something worth noting.”

“What about as a scientific cataloguer?” Twilight asked. At my look, she continued, “As you said, no pony knows what to expect in that forest. A proper catalogue has never been done of the plants or animals in there. I’m just thinking—”

“And the answer is no,” I finished for her. “Or, if you really want to do a catalogue, teleport me a few inches to get an attunement to me and then do whatever it is Celestia does to eavesdrop on everything I do.” She frowned, and I realized then that I wasn’t supposed to have thought of that. I continued, ignoring her looks. “That way, I won’t be in any real manner of danger, since you can teleport me back at any time anyway. And you’ll be able to hear whatever I’m saying, as well as who knows what else. As long as you’re just doing it in this instance, I’ll be okay with that.” Better three watchers than two, where my life is concerned.

Taya had been itching to break in, and finally saw her chance. “Can I do it?” she begged.

Twilight and I both answered at the same time with a very firm “No.”

“Why not? I think I’m strong enough to teleport someone now!”

I can’t trust you to just watch me in the forest, is what I was thinking. From her look, Twilight was thinking the same thing. I answered, “Twilight has more spare time to watch me. You’re too busy learning.” And Twilight won’t be watching all that often, is also something I wanted to say but left in my mind. I turned to ask Twilight, “I don’t suppose you could modify the spell to allow you to send me some manner of instructions?”

“Modifying spells is dangerous business, Nav. Especially with something like this. There’s a chance you might be forced to perform the instructions, no matter what they are. It also might be possible to completely hijack your mind on accident, and turn you into nothing more than a puppet.”

“So yeah, never mind about that,” I said. “Just tell me what to watch out for when I head in.”

“That’s not to say it isn’t already possible, of course,” she amended. “I don’t know much about that kind of magic. I know how the princess does it, but I’ve never done it myself and I have no idea what it would be like. I’ll have to ask Princess Celestia.”

“I think I’d prefer not to draw something like that to her attention, though. She already has enough control over me. No reason to let her control me directly in the field and ruin all my effectiveness.”

“How would having the princess looking over your shoulder more make you less effective?” Spike asked.

“I work well because I do things no one expects. Tackling an assassin. Flying into a camp of honorable enemies and slitting throats while they sleep. Lighting fire to the homes of women and children. Celestia wouldn’t let me do any of those, or wouldn’t think to do them. I don’t need her barking orders in my ear that I’m just going to ignore. So yeah, just don’t worry about it. No telling if it would work on a human anyway.”

“Seems like all the more reason to tell her,” Twilight muttered. Louder, she continued, “While I think this entire thing is foolish, I suppose I could try to help you, Nav. Since it’s for Luna, that is. If this is something you were planning on your own, I think I’d put Taya in charge of you so you wouldn’t go near that forest.”

“Silly Twilight,” I said, patting her on the top of her head. “Don’t think you can ever stop me from doing something I want to get done.” She didn’t look impressed. I just shrugged. “I have time on my side, remember?” And two very powerful princesses.

“I have magic on mine. And I have Taya on my side as well.” Taya did her best to look grave.

“Taya is on my side, though. Isn’t that right, daughter?” I asked, looking at her.

She looked down and said, “I’m on the side that means you don’t get hurt or leave me.”

My face softened a bit, but I said, “So like I said, my side. And Spike has already agreed he doesn’t want to be against me, so he’s either on my side or neutral.”

Twilight looked at him, and he smiled sheepishly and said, “We were talking about something else. If he chooses to look at it that way…”

Before she could formulate a response, I jumped in. “All of this is neither here nor there. You said you would help me, and I plan to hold you to that. And Taya, no more talk of using your magic to force me to stay safe. I know you don’t like that I endanger myself so, but I know what I’m doing better than you.”

“But…” she said, looking up at me before breaking off. I waited for her to finish, but she couldn’t find the words.

“I know how you feel,” I said, trying to soften the blow. “I’m not much a fan of getting hurt. But I can barely feel any physical sensations anymore. I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re so confident,” Taya said, “how about a bet?”

“I’m listening,” I replied, folding my arms across my chest.

“If you get hurt in the forest, you don’t go in again without me or Twilight to protect you.”

I snorted. “No deal. ‘Get hurt’ is way too broad. I could stub my toe and get forced to carry around dead weight because of it. No offense,” I added, nodding at Twilight, who responded by rolling her eyes.

“Not so confident now, eh?” Spike joked. A glare shut him up.

“I will be fine. That is the end of it. If I’m not needed for anything important, I’ll visit the forest for a quick test-run tomorrow. If all goes well, I might end up spending the week there.”

“And you expect me to be in your head for a week?”

“I’d be perfectly content to be alone in my head, actually. You are the one that wanted to do some manner of catalogue or something. And she’s the one that wanted you to protect me,” with a nod to Taya. “Feel free to do whatever you want, as long as you only ever listen in on me when I give you permission.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Her horn glowed and I found myself standing outside. That wasn’t very nice.

I went back inside. “Well?” I asked. “I’ve always wanted to know how much Celestia really knows about what I do. What can you tell?”

She shuddered after a moment. “I forgot how weird it was to have human eyes… It’s like looking through your eyes. And I can hear everything I’m saying. I do not sound like that!”

“Anything else?” She flinched.

“I can hear everything you say and know you’re saying it, but I have no idea what you’re thinking. Hearing you talk through your ears and through mine is… discomforting.”

“So you can hear with my ears and see with my eyes. Can you taste or feel anything?”

“Try doing something.”

I pulled a bolt out of my quiver and drew a thin red line down my arm. I barely felt it, and it didn’t bleed that much. Spike flinched and Taya cried out and ripped the bolt from my grasp with magic. I lifted the wound to my mouth and sucked at it for a second. “Well?” I finally asked.

Twilight was just staring at me with one of the stranger looks I’ve gotten. When I spoke up, she jerked her head suddenly and said, “Nothing. I don’t feel or taste anything. What is wrong with you?”

I shrugged and answered, “I barely feel it. If it’s bothering you, by all means,” I said, offering her my arm.

Taya beat her to it and healed it, giving me a bit of a glare, before turning her eyes to Twilight and saying, “Are you sure I can’t lock him away? It’s like he revels in pain!” I don’t know if she was joking.

Twilight answered, “We’ve been over this.” Really. She turned her purple gaze to me, correctly guessing my thoughts. “Don’t worry about it, Nav.” That did little to assuage my fears, I guarantee you.

Instead of responding to that, though, I said, “Taya, you know how tough I am. I’ve come back from some terrible things. A few near death experiences and all manner of other injuries. I’ve been through some terrible shit, and I’m not about to let a damn forest best me. The tree stuff in me means that I’m tougher than just about anything out there. I’ll be fine.”

She didn’t look like she bought it.

I rubbed a bit at one of my temples. I looked at Taya. “Sleep on it. I promise I won’t leave before you wake up.” Taya looked a bit uncertain, but nodded. “Good. Now go on ahead to bed. I believe I have some words for Twilight.”

Taya sighed and went up the stairs. With one last backwards look at me, she stepped out of sight. Spike followed her up much faster; he was always a heavy sleeper, and loved doing it.

Twilight looked at me. “How was your talk with the princess?”

“It went well. She was able to take a lot off my mind. And you need to talk to your brother about respecting privacy. He actually kept some of the memories I forced on him before his wedding, and he tried to take more today.”

“You’re going to explain that later, but you’re not going to get me off track. What did you and Princess Celestia talk about?”

“She was able to convince Luna to remove my oaths, thank God. I’m free again, but still a knight.” I said that quietly, hoping Taya wouldn’t hear. “And I was able to talk to Celestia freely, something I don’t have the liberty of doing with any of you. I hate taking up so much of her time, but given that I rejected the other offer she made, I was forced into talking.”

“What offer did she make?”

“Ripping the painful memories from my mind. I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“I didn’t know it was either. I know the basics of mind-reading, and apparently my brother knows more, but I didn’t know it was possible to steal memories away! Wait... what do you mean you can’t talk freely with any of us? We’re your friends, Nav. You can trust us with anything.”

“No, I can’t. I don’t even trust Celestia. But if any of you knew some of the stuff I’ve done, it would be bad. And if any of you knew the truth of some of what I’ve felt, it would be bad. I don’t trust Celestia any farther than I can throw her, and I can’t even pick her up. But I know she understands more than any of you, so I tell her some.”

“You have a lot of problems, Navarone. Why don’t you think you can trust us? After everything we’ve been through together, you still don’t trust any of us! Why?”

“Because you can’t handle the truth.” I’ve always wanted to say that. “It would be bad for some of you, knowing what I’m going through. And it would be bad for me to have you know. I’d rather use someone other than those I see every day as my emotional crutch. Besides, most of the secrets I’ve given some of you end up getting out one way or another. So I’d rather just not give any of you any secrets.”

She gave me a sad look. “Do you ever listen to the friendship reports I or my friends write for Celestia?”

“Hell no. Sentimental tripe. I know all the lessons you send, I just don’t live them. Most don’t apply to me.” I shrugged. “I’m okay with that. I’m not a pony, I shouldn’t be expected to live like one. That’s something a lot of you keep forgetting.”

She sighed. “You’re right. But I think you’re bad for a human, as well. Now, what’s that you were saying about my brother? When did you give him memories?”

“Before his wedding. He asked me for something and I refused to tell him the answer. He tried reading my mind. It didn’t go over well for him. I gave him some memories that I knew would disturb him.” I shrugged. “Nothing too bad. But I did give him that week with Kat, so he was in some physical pain for a while. Today, Celestia asked me to help teach him how to read minds easier. I did. He managed to rip through all of my defenses looking for memories I didn’t want to give. It did not end well for him, and he didn’t get the memories. Nothing much to it.”

“What happened to him, then?”

“I kicked his ass.” She gaped. “He was a bit distracted at the time. It wasn’t hard. What?”

“You attacked my brother? And won? He’s the captain of the royal guard! And my brother!”

“Well, he was trying to take something of mine that I hold sacrosanct. If he had managed to get to the memories, I would have killed him.”

Oh, now she was absolutely livid.

Before she could say anything, I said, “Go to bed, Twilight. You need some sleep.”

She glared at me for a moment before going up the stairs.

I sighed, alone at last. I looked around me a bit. Really, not being able to sleep is just annoying as piss. I settled down in the library to read through a few of the books yet again.

A note from your friend Discord

While Taya slept, I came to her in her dreams. Luna could police dreams now, but she was too busy trying to come up with a way to invade human dreams with a machine that seems to be tuned to ponies.

I came to Taya in the guise of Navarone, since that is what she knew. We were outside Ponyville, a place she knew well enough from the occasional walk she joined Nav in. “Taya, this isn’t an ordinary dream,” I told her. “I am real, here.”

“Are you using Luna’s dream machine?” she asked, looking around herself for a moment before settling her eyes on me.

“Something like that, yeah. Tell me, what have you learned about humans since I found you?”

“I haven’t learned anything about humans,” she said. “I’ve just learned about you.”

“That answer means a lot more than you think it does,” I told her with a smile. “How old do you think I am?”

“A little over twenty.”

My smile widened “I am several million years old, Taya.”

She froze.

“And my name isn’t Navarone, either. You might have heard about me in a book Twilight has had you study. Have you ever heard the name Discord?”

She shook her head.

“Do you know what it means?”

“Conflict among ponies.”

“Quite. But it isn’t just ponies. It’s a conflict between anything, really. Discord isn’t just a concept, and it hasn’t been for a long, long time.” I told her some of my history.

When I finished, she was silent for a while. “And you say you are this Discord.”

“I am.”

“And you are omnipotent.”

“Yes.” Sort of.

“And everything that has happened since you started all went according to some manner of plan.”

“Not everything. For example, you were unexpected.” That was quite a lie. “I worked you in well enough, though; ever since I met you, I have been supplementing your unicorn magic with my chaotic magic. In time, you could surpass Celestia in raw strength.”

“This is all a plan. What is the end result?”

“I will rule. And I will rule, don’t mistake me. That isn’t part of the plan. That is exactly what will happen. And I will not be ruling alone, either. I have gathered a few allies and friends around me.”

“Like Twilight?”

“No, not like Twilight. She is the slave of Celestia, for now. I may subvert her, in time, but I don’t think I’ll need her. No, Taya, I have others.”

“Like me?”

“Maybe. You see, you have a choice now. You know what I aim to do. You know it will mean betraying your people. It will mean ruling alongside me and a few others. And if we somehow fail, it will mean taking the punishment that goes along with it.”

“I will always stand with you, daddy. You found me when I was lost, and you took care of me when I was broken.”

I held out my hand. She took it with her hoof. I started shifting to Discord. She watched with a mix of fear and fascination. When I was finished, I snapped my fingers. In the blink of an eye, we were in my forest haven. Trixie jumped to her feet when she saw us; she had been reading some manner of book on magic, millions of years old. She blinked when she saw who was with me.

Before anyone could say anything, I asked, “How are the plans coming along, Trixie?”

“The Elements have been hidden, master,” she said, bowing. I noticed a few changes to her body from the last time I had actually looked at her. Her cutie mark had been perverted into a talon on one side and a lion’s paw on the other. Both hands wielded puppet handles.

“Excellent. And our field agents?”

“The cats are doing their jobs well; the king teeters on the edge, and we could easily have him if we but pushed. The naga, however… They were always fragmentary, even back when they were the biggest power in the world. We have one clan on our side, but we could have all of them if you gave me the resources I need. A ready-made army…” It was an old argument: She wanted the chosen one the naga all seem to await while I really didn’t care either way.

The naga’s chosen one wouldn’t actually have had any kind of power among the naga clans. Their chosen one had been destined to kill me. It was an incredibly powerful dragon seer that predicted it, and I knew it for truth when I heard it: The chosen one would have killed me, bringing permanent peace and harmony to the world.

I protected him through his entire life, invisibly. There were several instances where he would have died without my intervention, but he never knew it. He created a massive army and led his against mine. I couldn’t openly aid him, of course, but I still gifted him my invisible assistance.

I fucked up. I fucked up big time.

Every time he was supposed to die… He was supposed to learn something from each of those instances. He was supposed to overcome them himself and become strong. Without beating those challenges himself, he was too weak to cast me down, or to even lead his army. It fragmented terribly under ineffectual leadership. Lords and ladies aplenty realized what a wonderful opportunity it was to increase their own petty influence with anyone they could.

The entire resistance movement shattered. I don’t want to describe what happened to the guy, because it was bad. Very, very bad. The story of his rise and defeat never made it to the naga, who were at that time period incredibly isolated. It wasn’t for another thousand years, when the chosen one was well forgotten, that they began to leave their caves. Now, the naga still look forward to the coming of the chosen one, but they don’t even remember why.

I continued talking, “Good. I’m still working on getting our dragon agents. I have one in the bag, and I’ll be meeting the next convert in a few weeks. He’ll be a tough one; he knew me back before I was banished. I’ll manage, though.”

“Master,” she whispered.

“Now Trixie, I know you are curious. Feel free to ask.”

“Who is this?” she asked, looking to Taya, who had been watching the conversation with much curiosity.

“The newest addition of our group.”

“A filly?”

“Not just any filly,” I replied. “My daughter, of sorts. Adopted, of course, but I suppose that’s as good as anything, for something like me. Not like I’m able to have children anyway.” Trixie sighed wistfully. I reached out with my talon and gently stroked her neck. She practically purred with pleasure. I pulled my hand back and she slumped slightly. “Taya, this is Trixie. She is the first one I stole away from Celestia’s grace.”

“Has he given you any gifts yet?” Trixie asked, some small jealousy hidden in her voice. That will be fun to toy with.

Taya looked back and forth from me to Trixie. If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was second guessing her decision. Trust me, I knew better: I could see into her mind. She was trying to think if I had or not, or if she knew what Trixie meant. Finally, she settled on nodding. “He saved me,” Taya said. “And he helped me become strong.”

Trixie nodded gravely. “He did the same for me. And he’ll do the same for Equestria. It is a shame Celestia has fed them all so many lies…” She sighed. “We will teach them, though. All of them,” she finished with particular fierceness, and I knew she thought of Twilight when she said it.

“It will be a little while yet, Trixie,” I reminded her. “I could take this world right now, if I wanted it. But I don’t want to just take it. I want to own it. You can’t expect someone to just give you their loyalty. You have to earn it, as I did with you and Taya.”

“Yes, master,” Trixie said reverently. “I understand.” I knew she didn’t understand, not one bit. I was okay with that; I didn’t require her to understand, only to obey.

“Good,” I answered. “Now carry on,” I said, gently cupping her chin up to look me in the eyes.

“…Yes…” she whispered in a sultry tone. I slowly let her go, and she blinked.

“Taya, come along.” I led her away from Trixie, who watched us depart with desire in her eyes.

When we were far enough away—which doesn’t mean anything in this place, not really—I said without stopping, “You won’t turn out like that.”

“I know,” she quietly answered.

“And yet, you’re worried anyway. She won’t become your mother, either.”

Taya sighed gratefully.

“Now, where do you think we are?” I asked, still walking.

Taya looked around, seeing the shifting terrain as we walked further and further into my domain. “It was a cave. We’ve passed through a palace, a desert, a forest, an empty town—”

“Yes, enough of that. So, where do you think we are?”

She thought for a moment. “Everywhere?”

“Technically, you are correct. My mind shifts, sometimes, and this place responds to my mind. And since I am everywhere, this place shifts quite often. But as to the actual physical location? We are about a mile underground in the Everfree forest.”

I felt her mind click with the realization. I continued, “Yes, the Everfree forest. Where Navarone is planning on going soon, with Celestia’s blessing. Without knowing more, this doesn’t mean as much to you. Basically, Celestia and I—I being Discord, that is—have an agreement going right now that she doesn’t remember making. Part of that agreement is that I will get some of my powers back when I am a human. But I have to get to this safe haven as a human to do it. The problem with that is that this place moves. It is always under the forest, but the physical entrance moves around. I’ll spend a little while in the forest until I find it. And then I’ll spend a little longer here, because there are some other things I need from the forest.” I stopped talking for a bit and we walked on.

She drew the right conclusions herself. “And you don’t need any pony watching over your shoulder while you’re doing them. And you surely don’t need me to be protecting you…”

“You can’t know how touched I felt when I realized how much you cared about me. You might not believe it, but you are the first pony to ever care that much for me.” First pony. “But you are correct on both accounts. When you thought you had killed me, you did just enough damage to almost blow my cover. In the end, though, what you really did was give me as much time as I need to enact the plot. Before, I had less than eighty years. Now I have thousands. It won’t take that long, but it was a great help.”

It felt good, to know the last bit of guilt finally left her mind. I picked her up and held her for a minute.

I finally set her back down. “And yes, your other point is correct as well. It will be okay for Twilight to watch while I do some of what I have to do; there isn’t that much to be done, and only some of it can’t be seen by anyone else. When I get to this place, all unicorn magic will fade. If you were to try to do something magic, for example, it wouldn’t work.” She took my word for it. “But there will be a few other things I don’t need ponies watching, because they’ll try to ‘save’ me from doing them. Distract Twilight as you can. Ask her questions. Keep her busy. She doesn’t know as much magic as Trixie does right now, but she is still a good teacher, and probably has more control than any regular pony still alive. You won’t grow any stronger in magic for a while; I don’t want to raise too many suspicions. I won’t start teaching you to use my powers until you are a bit older.”

She nodded, pretending to understand.

“Now, in a month or so, I’ll get injured very badly in the forest. I’m just telling you now so you won’t think I’m losing my touch or something like that. There is a reason for it.” She wracked her brain, trying to think of what it might be. “Don’t bother, daughter. Trying to understand some of what I do is fruitless.”

We got to a dark abyss and stopped. I turned to her. “Taya, this is your last chance. If you follow me into that abyss, you will stop being the daughter of Navarone. You will become Taya, Daughter of Discord. I give you this option one last time, and after this there is no going back. If you choose not to follow me, we will walk back to Ponyville and you’ll have forgotten everything we talked about, other than that I don’t need to be protected. You will live a very eventful and important life until you die of old age. Or you can follow me.”

I stepped into the abyss, watching her eyes the entire time.

She never once blinked.

She never once hesitated.

Chapter Thirty-Eight—The Equalizer

Chapter Thirty-Eight—The Equalizer

The next morning, I left bright and early, carrying my battered falchion strapped across my back and my crossbow slung over my shoulder. I had my bolts in a quiver tied about my waist, for easy access. I had a few straps of throwing knives strung across my chest. Full water skins slapped against me occasionally as I took a heavier step than usual. I didn’t carry any food, the axe, or the armor. The axe would be pointless, food would be dead weight, and I honestly didn’t think I would need the armor.

The few ponies that were out and about gave me wide berths, until I ran into Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, who fell into step beside me.

Rainbow Dash said, “So Nav, I’ve been thinking—”

“That’s a nice change,” I broke in. Pinkie Pie giggled and Rainbow Dash glared at me.

“As I was TRYING to say,” she continued, “don’t you think it might be good fun if we had a little competition of sorts?”

“Of sorts? And what kind of ‘sorts’ would those be?”

“Oh, you know… Running, wrestling, a few other minor physical things.”

Pinkie Pie nodded, jumping in. “We can do dancing, too! And we can hold a big party at the same time! It’ll be so much fun, Nav!”

“Uh huh. I thought there was already a running competition held in autumn.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t have any of those other things!” Rainbow Dash answered.

“I see. And tell me, did you have anyone in mind for some of these competitions?”

“Weeellll,” Rainbow Dash began, but Pinkie Pie broke her off.

“We know you can’t really run as fast as any pony, Nav, so we were thinking you could compete in something else instead. And since all of us have been getting in a lot of dance practice, it wouldn’t really be fair to the rest of the town if we were to compete there.”

Rainbow Dash butted in again. “We were thinking you could, you know, wrestle! I mean, you’re built well enough for it, after all. I think you’d be able to give anypony a run for her money!”

“Do you, now?” They both nodded. “Tell me, do you see any potential downsides to your plan?” They shook their heads. “Then you aren’t doing enough thinking.” They looked at each other. “What happens if I lose?”

“Nothing!” Pinkie Pie said. “It’s all in good fun, after all.”

“Yep, you didn’t think it through… If I am to be a knight, I can’t go around losing fights against ponies. What kind of knight can’t beat the people he’s trying to protect?”

“But if the ponies see that somepony is able to beat even the big, strong human, they’ll grow more confident in their own abilities!” Rainbow Dash tried.

“Possibly, yes. Some probably would. And tell me, what happens if I win?”

“They all know you’re much better than ponies at wrestling?” Pinkie Pie guessed.

“Well, yes. But it will also remind them that they aren’t very good at fighting. Most ponies aren’t. If I am able to beat their best, what will the rest think about their own worth? And a lot of the threats out there look a lot more dangerous than I do, so if anything does happen and we end up fighting anything, the ponies will remember how they lost to something like me.” They looked at each other. “Do you really think I’m that stupid?” I asked.

Pinkie Pie sighed. Rainbow Dash finally asked, “So what would it take to get you to wrestle Applejack?”

“Do you know where she is right now?” I asked.

“Probably at the farm. Why?”

I changed my direction. It wasn’t much of a detour, and I should have weeks to explore the forest anyway. They followed along with my change of direction. We were a little ways outside of town now, and they had yet to even think to ask where I was originally headed.

“But you told me no yesterday!” Pinkie Pie accused.

“And look where we are today. You don’t know how to accept the word no, at least not when it comes from my lips. Maybe your mind will change when it comes from Applejack’s lips.”

They tried hiding smiles, but it didn’t work. I just shook my head and kept going.

They kept up their discussion about possible fun things to get the town to do. None of what they discussed sounded all that fun to me, but I guess that’s what I get for being a human. Or being a guy.

It didn’t take us that long to get to Applejack’s farm. We caught her and Big Macintosh heading into the fields. It was, as I said, rather early.

“What are y’all doing out here?” Applejack asked.

“They want you and me to wrestle,” I answered

“Uh. Why?”

“Ask Pinkie Pie,” I responded.

Pinkie Pie replied, “Ask Rainbow Dash.”

Who passed the buck back to me, with “Ask Nav.”

Big MacIntosh was staring at the group of us with his gentle amusement. Applejack turned her confused eyes back to me. “Fine, I’ll tell her the fucking truth.” Before Pinkie could try to stop me, I did just that, including Pinkie Pie’s mention of how cute it would be to watch Applejack get beaten like that.

So Pinkie got to be doubly embarrassed, once for everyone learning she lost the original fight and once for the reasoning behind why she wanted to see us wrestle.

I concluded with, “I don’t know why Rainbow Dash wants us to wrestle. But they wouldn’t take my no for an answer. I was hoping they would listen to yours.”

She turned her eyes to Pinkie Pie and said, “That’s kinda creepy.” She then shifted her gaze back to me. “I think I know why Rainbow Dash wants us to wrestle. But I’m going to have to agree with you on this one, Nav. She’ll just have to fight her own battles…” she finished with a toothy grin at Rainbow Dash, who audibly gulped.

“Good,” I said with a nod. I adjusted the crossbow. “If there’s nothing else you need, I’ve business for the princess to attend to.”

“I was wondering why you had so much stuff on you. Good luck in the Everfree. And I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Applejack said. “If you need any help, you know where I am. Now c’mere, you two!” She grabbed Rainbow Dash’s tail with her teeth and tried to get Pinkie Pie, who rushed to my side.

“I think Nav needs my help with something! Don’t you, Nav?”

I snorted and started walking. She quickly fell into step beside me, doing her best to look official. I heard Applejack dragging Rainbow Dash away. When we got out of earshot to the others, she asked, “So why are we going to the Everfree, again?”

“We aren’t. We are going to the edge of the forest. I am going in the forest. You are going wherever it is you go during the day when I’m not around.”

“How can I help you if I stop following you when you get to the dangerous part?”

“By not being in my way if I need to actually fight something. And you aren’t here to help me. You’re here because I’m helping you escape whatever fate Applejack had planned for you. And no,” I said to the look on her face, “I don’t want to know what she had planned.”

“Why can’t I come?”

“Because I’m going to be in there for over a week, probably. I didn’t bring any food at all, and we don’t know what in there is safe to eat. I’m not going to be stopping at night and I don’t want to babysit you while you sleep. And if anything does go wrong, I have at least one guardian angel looking out for me, to bring me to safety. You don’t.”

“You’re no fun sometimes. So why are you going in there anyway?”

“To explore, see what I can find. I know there are some ruins in there, and Luna wants as many of them found and explored as possible. God knows why, but I’ve learned it’s safer to just say ‘Yes Princess’ and hope you survive.”

“They really scare you, don’t they?”

“They have absolute power over me. If either one deems me a threat, no one will question them if I disappear. If either makes a few ponies disappear, some questions might be asked. The human, though? Who knows what he’s capable of.”

“Neither princess would do that, though… Would they?”

“They haven’t yet. And I’m hoping they won’t. But we’re here, and this is where we part.”

She stopped at the edge of the foreboding forest. I kept going. Before I got too far, she called, “Are you sure about this, Nav?”

Without turning, I yelled back, “Nope.” She was the last pony I saw for a while.

I won’t relate the three weeks I spent in the forest, discovering all manner of new plants and animals. I won’t relate the number of close calls with animals that didn’t know what I was that almost erred on the side of caution in trying to eat me. I won’t relate the effects a few plants had on me when I barely brushed by them—nothing permanent, thank God, and nothing major due to my… condition, but annoying nonetheless.

I will say, though, that watching the sun rise over a massive expanse of trees, perched on the tallest branches of the biggest tree in the entire forest, was a sight I’ll probably never forget. I will say that three weeks is entirely too long to spend alone, awake, with nothing but the hope of something new to break the monotony. And I will say that when I finally found something interesting, it almost killed me.

It was near the end of the third week. I was so bored out of my mind that I had been taking potshots at animals with my crossbow for a few hours before I actually stumbled into the ruins. Literally, I mean: One second I was walking in a clearing, the next thing I knew I was several feet underground, with sunlight pouring into a small hole in the ceiling.

I tenderly picked myself off the floor, feeling for damage, and then looked around me. “Well well, what have we here?” I had taken to talking to myself almost from day one. An old habit, one that was hardly helpful. In this case, though, it proved its use: As soon as I spoke up, some manner of lights went on all over the place I was in.

Holy fuck. “Twilight, I hope you’re paying attention.” I was at the top of a massive, steep staircase leading deep into the earth. Blue flames lit the way down, and I couldn’t even see the end of it. The entire thing was littered with cobwebs, but the flames were making short work of them. I saw flares from burning web going as far as my eye could see, and an acrid stench started making its way to me. I tried turning to look behind me to see if I could escape the stench before it got worse, and saw behind me some manner of inscription. Looking at it made my head hurt, so I quickly averted my gaze.

I looked back down. “Welp, I’m not about to climb that.” I stretched my wings. Just the right size. Good. I backed up as close to the back wall with the horrid inscription as I could get. With my wings brushing against the wall, I ran forward and jumped head first down the stairs, gliding deep, deep into the ground.

I pulled out of the glide as soon as I saw the ground becoming some manner of flat and did my best to rub the pain out of my eyes. Gliding through smoke like that is a bitch. I’m kind of lucky I even saw the ground. I readied my crossbow and tenderly pushed forward, trying to see if there was anything moving down there.

I didn’t see anything. When I reached the flat ground, I saw that the hallway ended a few feet on, with nothing else in sight. Suddenly, I heard a booming voice, seeming to dig into my mind, “Who goes there?”

I answered aloud, “Navarone, a human explorer.”

“Who do you side with?”

“Whoever holds my leash. That is currently Princess Celestia.”

“Celestia…” the voice whispered, disturbingly reverent. Louder, it continued, “Do you seek your freedom, Navarone?”

“If it is my lot in life to be an eternal servant, well, I suppose someone has to do it. If I can be useful, does it matter how?” A chuckle answered me, and suddenly the walls all around me disappeared, or were perhaps pushed back several meters. Around the new walls were lined a series of marble altars, each bearing an item. The stairs behind me disappeared. “Pick an altar, and approach.” I approached the left-most altar first.

On it stood a picture of my family. My family… They were as I left them. It was a picture I well-remembered, and it was one that I was supposed to be in. My spot in the photo was empty, and looking at it filled my stomach with a pit of sorrow. The faces on the portrait slowly went from their normal amused looks to looks of grief and loss, and then back again. The voice in my head opened up again, “Would you go back, if you could? Go back to your real life? Wake up from your nap, to find it was all a dream? No wings, no eternal life, no talking ponies? Would you give all of this up for a normal life?”

I don’t know how long I stood looking at that picture, before I achingly tore my eyes away from it and woodenly forced my way to the next display.

On this altar stood a pair of stones, one blue and one pink. The voice didn’t say anything. I tenderly reached out a finger and touched the blue one. Nothing happened. I shifted my hand to the pink one.

There was a sudden fierce pain in my chest and crotch. I cried out, clutching both areas. Dimly, I noted that my cry was a lot higher than it was supposed to be. The pain only lasted a few seconds, but it was intense while it did. When it was over, I had a massive coughing fit, and ended up knelt down on the floor. I saw more than a little blood on the ground when it subsided.

I felt the afflicted areas and noticed that I was considerably more female than I had been before. There was more giggling in my head. I tried to force myself to my feet. I couldn’t make it all the way, and instead tried running my hands along the altar to find the blue stone. I knocked them both on the floor in my frenzied pawing, but that was thankfully enough to revert whatever the hell the pink stone had done to me.

When the change was done, I took a few careful swigs from one of my nearly empty water bottles, trying to get the taste of blood out of my mouth. I saw the two stones on the floor and shuddered slightly. I felt around my pockets for my gloves and slipped them on, then returned the stones to the pedestal. Thankfully, I suffered no ill effects, and I learned quite a bit of caution.

I kept the gloves on and gingerly stepped to the next pedestal. On it stood an exact duplicate of the lighter I had when I got to Equestria. “What does this one do?” I asked, hoping the voice would answer.

“A flame that never needs recharging. Limitless fire.”

“That could mean a few things. Does the fire it set burn eternally as well? Or does the fire go out just as easily as it would from a normal lighter?”

A candle materialized next to the lighter. I slowly picked up the zippo and flicked it open. I forgot how sweet that sounded… With a beautiful scratching sound, a flame started flickering and dancing atop the nozzle. I lit the candle and closed the lighter. I blew out the flame. The dead candle disappeared back into the void. I opened the lighter again and relit it, and then tried blowing out the flame. It went out.

“Word play. If you say something to me, voice, say what you mean. A lighter that doesn’t need fuel is useful.” I lit it again and left it standing on the pedestal, and moved to the next altar.

On it stood a mask with a single crack going down the center, bisecting it neatly in two halves. On one side was a smile, on the other a scream. “And this one?” I asked.

“With it, you can take the form of anyone. Pony, dragon, naga, cat, dog, griffon. Doesn’t matter.”

“I sense a but in there.”

“The mask is imperfect. One detail will always be wrong on the person you are trying to mimic. It might be something noticeable, it might not be. And if you take the place of something like a naga, you will not be able to breathe underwater, or do magic if you mimic a unicorn. If the person you are mimicking sees you… Well, there’s a reason half of the mask is a scream.”

I moved on to find an empty altar. As soon as I stepped near it, I felt a feeling of… peace. I ran my hand over the top of it, to see if something was hidden. The voice was silent and I didn’t find anything. I moved on. As I got farther away, the peace left my mind.

I moved to the next pedestal. On it stood a set of clothing as black as a moonless night. They stood out on the white marble like a Jew at a charity event. The clothes looked about my size. “Move invisibly, even in the brightest day.”

“Is there a cost?”

“As soon as you put them on, you are forgotten until you take them off. Everything you did, everything you said, your entire existence, forgotten. Only you will remember, until you take the suit off.”

I went to the next one. On it laid a simple ring, with twirls of some unreadable text all about it. “Immunity to magic,” the voice said. “All magic. You can’t fly while wearing it, for example. You can’t be healed or held, either. No teleportation or eavesdropping.”

I moved on. The next altar held a bag. “Bag of holding?” I asked. The voice murmured an affirmative.

I went to the next one. On it was a coin. “With that in your pocket, you’ll never want for money. There will always be another coin for your hand to find when you dig for one.” Like I need that.

On the next altar was an old fashioned key with a skeleton of an unrecognizable animal engraved into the end. “No locks will ever bother you. You can unlock whatever you want.”

Next was a quill pen. “You will be able to convince anyone of your position if they read your written argument.”

I looked up and saw that there was one altar left. On it was a simple hand mirror, face down. “Whoever looks in that mirror will see themselves as they truly are, for better or for worse.” I quickly pulled my hand away from that one.

I walked to the center of the room. “Interesting collection, voice,” I said. “Why did you show me this?”

“These artifacts are collecting dust down here. You are the only person in over a thousand years to come here. The last... Well, she was an interesting case. Some people can’t resist temptation; she looked in the mirror. But that’s enough of that. You see, Navarone, none of these things are doing anything useful down here. Don’t you think that’s due to change?”

“So you want me to take these things.”

“Don’t be greedy, now. I might let you take a few of them. If you could have any one of them, which would you take?”

“Is there a cost?”

“Would I be offering them to you without first discussing a price?”

“You did not say no.”

“I’m starting to like you, human. There is no cost.”

I checked to see if the lighter was still burning. It was. I looked over the rest of the objects, thinking of uses for each of them. Except for the mirror, that is. That one could stay here and rot, as far as I was concerned. And I didn’t think long on the way home. The pen could be easily abused. The clothes were too dangerous. The gender changing stones could be fun, but since I was the only human anyway, it wasn’t like turning into a chick would be useful. The lighter would be fun, but if I could only have one of these objects, it would be a waste. The mask could be fun, but it could also get me killed. The coin would be useless, the key would be fun. The bag could be really useful, but since I didn’t have to worry about carrying food or the like it loses a lot of its use.

The ring, though… It would put me on a considerably more even footing with any unicorn I ran into. Including Celestia and Luna. “I would take the ring,” I finally answered. The lights over the altars of the portrait, the coin, and the lighter went out, and the wall seemed to converge upon them, shrinking the room. I looked at the altar with the ring and blinked: It wasn’t there. Then I felt a warm weight on my finger. I removed my gloves, and found I was wearing it. I slipped it off and put it in a pocket. The ring altar slipped away and the room shrank yet again.

“Another?” the voice whispered, a caress at the back of my mind.

“The key.” The altars of the clothes, the bag, and the mirror slid away into the wall. The key went into a pocket. The only ones left were the pen, the mask, the stones, and the empty pedestal.

“Your last?”

The pen would be too dangerous. The mask would be too risky. Hell, Celestia wouldn’t let me keep either. “Is there any symbolism to the empty pedestal?” I asked.

“That item—or rather, those items—were taken long ago. Long, long, long ago. It is just an empty altar, now.”

I’m not about to leave with nothing. “I suppose I’ll take the stones, then. Who knows, maybe they’ll prove to be of use.” I put one of my gloves back on and threw the stones into the other glove, so I wouldn’t accidentally touch either of them if I reached into a pocket. All the pedestals sank back into the wall, and the room shrank down to its original size of a small hallway. I was standing near one of the pedestals at the time, and when the room shifted, I found myself shifted as well. It was somewhat disorienting.

“You know, Navarone,” the voice said, “most people—people, ponies, whatever—that entered this place would ask what it is, and what I am. You didn’t.” I didn’t say anything. After a while, I heard the voice giggle again. “So be it.” At that, I found myself back in the clearing. I looked around for the hole that I fell into, but I couldn’t find it.

I sat back against a small tree on the edge of the clearing and thought over what I had been given. Would Celestia let me keep any of what I had been given? The stones, sure; there was no way I could use that to my advantage. But the key? The ring?

I figured I had a few long days to think about it, as I continued to explore the forest. However, as I stood to continue on my journey, my surroundings shifted and I found myself in Twilight’s library. I blinked my eyes in the relatively dim light and tried to get my bearings.

“You’re alive!” Twilight exclaimed, and rushed forward to hug me. She recoiled as soon as she got near me, though. “And you smell terrible!”

“I’ve been in the woods for three weeks with no change of clothes. Of course I smell terrible.” I looked around to see who else was here. I saw and nodded at Celestia, who was wearing an amused smile on her face. I saw Taya, who was alternating her gaze between me and Celestia. Spike was watching from a little ways away. “What brings you here, Celestia?”

“You completely fell off the map, Nav,” she answered. “Do you know how hard that is?”

“I what now?”

Twilight answered, “I saw you approach a clearing, and then after that, there was absolutely nothing.” While she was talking, my hands went to my pockets on either side, where I had hidden the ring and the key. I casually fingered the ring, thinking about slipping it on. “I contacted Princess Celestia as soon as you disappeared.”

“What was in the clearing, Nav?” Celestia asked. I flipped a coin in my head and said fuck it.

I walked over to a table and put all of the objects on it and turned to face them. “I found… I don’t really know how to describe it. I was walking, and then my weight suddenly opened some manner of shaft or something under me. I fell a few feet and may have been knocked out. When I came to, I was at the top of a massive staircase. Behind me was something that made my head hurt. As soon as I said something, lights flared all down the staircase, burning centuries of cobwebs. I jumped down the stairs and let my wings carry me down. When I reached the bottom, I heard a voice. It offered me many things. These are what I took. When I was done, I found myself back outside, in the clearing. I couldn’t find the hole again for life or money.”

Twilight, Taya, and Spike were looking over the items. Celestia said, “Describe the voice you heard.”

I sighed. “I say ‘voice’ lightly, not knowing how to really describe it. It was… a sensation, more than a voice. Instead of words, I felt memories. When it ‘spoke,’ it spoke with an amalgamation of my memories, using words and sounds I have heard in the past. When it said my name, I remembered dozens of voices, recalling the concept of my name perfectly. That’s the best I can do.”

Spike was reaching a hand out to touch something on the table. I slapped his hand away. He rubbed it and eyed me with his bright green eyes. “You don’t know what any of those do,” I told him. “You’re lucky you didn’t touch that pink stone.”

“What do they do?” Twilight asked.

“The key supposedly unlocks things. The stones… They change your gender. Blue for male, pink for female. The ring...” I picked it up and slid it on. “Do your worst,” I said, looking at Taya.

She looked at me uncertainly, and then at Twilight. Before Twilight could say anything, though, Taya blasted me with some manner of spell that completely dissolved as soon as it touched me. It works!

Celestia and Twilight were openly gaping. It was worth all that I had been through to see Celestia look like that. Taya was nodding slightly. Spike smiled and said, “Well, Nav, it looks like you found your equalizer.”

“Damn right,” I answered, nodding and smiling, balling up my fist.

Celestia shook her head, snapping out of it. “Nav, we can’t just let you keep magical artifacts you found in a mysterious place in the middle of the most evil forest in the realm! There’s no telling what the cost might be! You’re lucky you even got out alive.”

I shrugged. “You can have the stones. You can even have the key. But you will have to pry this ring off my cold, dead hands.” I think that might not have been the right thing to say. I thought Celestia was about to actually get angry, when Twilight broke in.

“You don’t have to let us keep them, Nav. Just let me study these things for a little while. I’ll give them all back if they’re safe. You have my word, as a friend.”

There was a moment of silence in the room. I looked at the ring, and then at Twilight. I slowly slipped it off and put it on the table. A few years ago, this would have gotten violent. Spike let out a bit of a breath.

“What else was there?” Celestia asked. I told them. I left out the portrait, and I didn’t mention that the mirror had been used.

When I finished, Spike said, “And of all those, you decided to pick these stupid stones?” He flicked at the blue one.

“Every time I picked, a few other choices were removed. At the end, the stones were the safest choice. The others were too dangerous.”

“They were,” Celestia agreed. “You shouldn’t have taken any of them, but since you did, these are probably the best you could have picked. The clothes would have caused massive confusion. I would have confiscated the mask or the pen. The coin could unbalance the economy if it fell into the wrong hands. I would have destroyed the mirror. I wouldn’t have minded the lighter or the bag. Tell me, do you think you could find this clearing again?”

I shook my head. “That forest is deceptively huge. I was in it for three weeks and I have no idea how much of it I covered. I was planning on coming home soon enough for a bit of R&R. That place… Something in it seems to seep into you, if you spend enough time there. I feel like I should be looking over my shoulder constantly, even though I was mostly safe in there and I know I’m safe here. I’ve said this before, but… that place needs to be burned to the ground.”

“Noted,” Celestia answered. “If you go back in, keep an eye out for that clearing, or anything similar to it. Make sure Twilight knows. I want to see it for myself.”

“Very well. If you don’t need anything else, I really need a shower.”

“Yes, you do,” Celestia sniffed. “I’ll get these items back to you as soon as possible, if they’re safe.” She picked up the items with magic. “Well, we know the ring only works if it’s attached to somepony.”

“I was hoping you could let Twilight test them, actually,” I said.

Celestia looked at Twilight, and then back to me. “She might not know what to look for.”

“I think I’ll take my chances,” I answered.

Celestia tried to stare me down, but I don’t give in easily. “I don’t,” she finally said. She and the items blinked out of the library.

Twilight let out a deep breath. “You shouldn’t risk antagonizing her, Nav!”

“And you shouldn’t tell me that you will study something of mine, and then let her take it away! If she decides she prefers me without a way of defending myself, I will never see that ring again. My only chance at equality, ripped away!”

“I’m sure the princess wouldn’t do that,” Spike said.

“I’m not,” I answered.

“And what if they really are dangerous?” Twilight asked. “I only know so much about magic. I might miss something. You know that forest is dangerous. I know you know, because I watched as you almost got eaten several times. Why risk it?”

“Because any possible dangers are outweighed by the ability to ignore magic.”

“Are you truly that afraid that a unicorn will hurt you?” Taya asked, finally breaking her silence.

“Honestly, no,” I answered. “But I think it is always wise to take precautions. Yeah, so Celestia probably won’t ever hurt me. What happens if she decides to, though? And if not her, who knows what kind of enemies I might make in my life? Yeah, I’ll probably never need it, but why take chances?”

“You’re paranoid, Nav,” Twilight deduced. “And you smell. Go take a shower.”

“No, Twilight. You smell. I stink.” I went to take a shower and get out of the grungy clothes. My hair felt like greasy grass and smelled like it was rotting. I think I’ll leave the descriptions at that. I had been planning on stopping at a lake or something—one without a tentacle monster—before coming back, but that option was pulled away.

The shower done, I started cleaning my gear; my falchion had pulled a bit of overtime as a machete and a number of knives had dried stuff on them from all manner of plants and animals.

By the time all of that was done, it was nearing nightfall. I figured that I had gotten back just in time to end up alone for several hours. I found Twilight poring over some manner of notebook.

“Some of those species you found in there were really interesting, Nav,” she mentioned, not looking up. “Not much you did with them was very scientifically sound, mind, but I suppose you did the best you could.”

“When a wolf made of wood is trying to decide if it wants to take a bite out of you, I think you’ll find your mind wanders a bit away from science. You’re lucky I managed to stand still long enough for you to even see it.”

“Wooden wolf? I think Applejack or her granny might know about those. I don’t remember seeing you run into it.” Of course. “I was talking about some of these plants! I can’t believe they were actually eating small animals.”

“Saw one rip a bird right out of the air. I was rather shocked at that, too.”

“I could tell by your reaction.” Yelling, drawing my blade and slicing the thing right in half. Too late for the bird, but not too late for me. I avoided those plants, after that.

“There are things like that in my world, but nothing that lives this far north. That forest is chaotic.”

“If you do happen to go in there again, can you bring out some samples?”

“I have some, actually. I just forgot about them in the excitement of my return.” I went to find my nasty clothes, and dug some stuff out of some pockets. “I didn’t exactly have anything to put stuff in, so I improvised,” I said, setting down a few water bottles. “I also found a few bones and teeth and whatnot on the ground floor.” I dumped a handful of stuff on a table. “If you were wanting live samples, well… Too bad, I guess.” Some of those plants had effects that I didn’t want to bring to a pony.

She pounced on the samples with glee. I left her to them and went to have a conversation with Taya. That done, I put her to bed, and wondered what the hell I was going to do until morning. A guy can go insane on a schedule like this. Twilight was apparently still working, but she was muttering some big sciencey words, most of which I didn’t feel like listening to. I settled back to watch her, in a stance that I one day found I could stand in for hours without blinking or moving an inch. Being half tree is useful, sometimes.

My mind wandered freely, though. It hit over several things, branching off in several directions. One thing I thought about often was what I had become. I was no longer a human, not anymore. I had a human shape and a human mind, but I don’t think the word ‘human’ was enough to describe me. I thought over many terms and descriptions, and settled on ent. Not completely accurate, because of my wings, but what the hell else could I call myself? Though, it isn’t like human had any real meaning to the ponies anyway. They know I am a human, and if I am now an ent, what’s to stop them from thinking humans are naturally ents?

Then it hit me: The fuck do I care? I’m still one of a kind. Who cares what I’m called, if I’m the only one of whatever I am out there?

I noticed a sudden break in Twilight’s mutterings. I broke out of my reverie and shuffled through what I had half-heard her saying. I deciphered what she was looking for and went to a nearby shelf and brought it to her without a word. She said some manner of thanks and I returned to my post.

We worked like that for another few hours. I occasionally answered questions or helped her with something, and then she went back to work. It was like one of many nights with her. Eventually, it got to be that she was yawning more than she was muttering. I shook myself and started putting things away. Probably not as well as Spike would have done it, but he was asleep.

When I had most of the stuff put away, I pulled a complaining Twilight to her bed. “Just one more…” she started, but I never learned one more of what since she interrupted herself with a yawn. “C’mon, Nav, it’s only a few minutes past nine…” It was well past two in the morning, I reckoned. She yawned again. “Maybe just a few minutes…” She was out before I got a few feet away from her.

I went back down to the library proper and looked around. “Another long, lonely night,” I said aloud.

I stood like that for a few more seconds, just thinking.

I suddenly found myself standing like that a few dozen miles away. I shook myself and looked around. “Your eyes settle in some interesting places, Nav,” I heard a voice say. Luna. I saw we were in the throne room. No guards were around. Luna was at her throne, with a smile of sorts on her face.

“I don’t tend to pay attention. And you aren’t supposed to be paying attention. I seem to remember an agreement of that nature.”

“You don’t pay attention, hmm? So you just spent a few hours staring at Twilight’s backside for nothing, I suppose. My, my, a mare could be jealous, with some of the things I’ve seen you up to.”

“I’m going to assume I’m not here so we can talk about… this.”

She got straight to the point, and dropped her semi-mocking smile. “You made Celestia rather upset today.”

“Yes, I suppose I did. I don’t take kindly to someone trying to take something of mine.”

“Even if it’s for your own good? What if what she took might be dangerous?”

“Yes, even if it’s for my own good. Besides, it’s about time Celestia learned that she can’t always get what she wants. She might be a princess, but she’s still an adult.”

“Is that really why you think she was mad? No, Nav. She’s mad because you still don’t trust her. Of all of her subjects, you are one of the few she’s close to. Just about every other pony in this kingdom treats her with respect, but also a great fear. She’s a princess with so much power that she could probably destroy cities on a whim. No pony knows how to deal with that, and so few are willing to put much personal trust in her. Then you come along, with your talk of weapons that can lay waste to a planet. So many in your world have access to things like them that you are able to put it out of your mind. And yet you still find it so hard to trust anypony, even those that have shown themselves to have no desire to harm you.”

I hadn’t really thought of it like that before. “I do trust you both with some things. But not with everything. I don’t think I’m able to trust anyone with everything. There will probably always be a reserved center of secrets at my core. And if you think it odd that I’m afraid of magic, well, the fact that humans had weapons that could destroy everything wasn’t constantly pushed in my face. Every time I look around, I have about a one in three chance of seeing a unicorn. And I was just almost killed by magic a few months ago.”

“And you were saved by magic. What would it take to convince you that Celestia or I would never hurt you?”

“Nothing, but giving me that ring back would be a good start.”

She glowered at me. “How do you expect us to trust you if you won’t trust us?”

I glared right back at her. “Because where the hell else do you expect me to go? Do you think I like killing people? That I like putting my life in danger? Celestia told me I would end up in jail or worse if I didn’t do as she asked. Why should I trust that you won’t hurt me if the only way you think you’ll keep me in check is with threats?”

Her glare at me subsided. “Yes, that somewhat justifies your lack of trust. But your fear of magic… What is so scary about it, to you? In your world, you had to worry about dying. How often have you seen a unicorn kill somepony, aside from the slaves that killed the pirates?”

“Never, aside from them. But I’m not afraid of death.” At least, I’m probably about as unafraid of it as anyone ever can be. “When I get killed, it’ll probably be relatively quick. So unicorns don’t kill. But they do bind. They can change me. They have a nearly infinite amount of things they can do. I’m hardly afraid of death, but I can’t stand being held against my will and I am not a fan of being changed into a different shape. And when you mix them—as has been done to me in the past, I might add—there’s a serious problem. At least with ropes, I have a means of defending myself, or a way of breaking free. Against magic, I have nothing.”

“And Celestia capitalized on that fear without even realizing it, when she threatened to imprison you.” I nodded. “Does she know?” I shrugged. “She might be less angry when she finds out…” Her horn put off a dim glow and a box appeared next to her, floating. She sent it over to me. “We tested them all. Neither of us could find anything wrong with them.” I opened the box. In it were the four things I brought out of the forest. I pocketed the key and put on a glove to pocket the stones. I looked at the ring for a second, and eventually decided to slide it into a pocket as well. Luna smiled at that. The box disappeared.

“What can you tell me about them?” I asked.

“After a bit of experimentation,” she said with a hint of a blush, “we found that the stones only hurt the first time you transform. And the pain is less for a mare changing to a stallion. We don’t know why. The key worked on every lock we could find in the palace. It changed shapes to fit the small and the large. We put the ring on the tip of a unicorn’s horn, and she couldn’t do any manner of magic. Neither I nor Celestia could do anything magical toward her, either. We also have no idea what the ring says. They all work with a magic we don’t recognize, but we couldn’t discover anything harmful about them. We were tempted to keep them for longer, but… I see no reason to. Celestia might disagree, but when night falls, I rule.”

I nodded, and reached into the pocket with the blue stone. “So... how did it feel?”

The small blush she had before transformed into a full blush. “It was… different. But from the way Celestia told it, you found out yourself.”

I shuddered. “When I started coughing up blood, I called it quits. I didn’t stay changed long enough for the pain to stop. But if it only hurts once…” I pocketed the blue stone and pulled out the pink one. I was done changing before I even had it at eye level. I closed my eyes and did a mental check of everything I could feel. Chest heavier, no weight between legs, pants tighter. I dropped the pink stone back in a pocket and picked up the blue one again. I opened my eyes. Luna was wearing a smile. “I think I’ll pass.”

She shrugged. “We both prefer you as a stallion anyway. Too few of those worth having around.”

“Yeah, and I can think of a rotten one living in the palace. Shame Blueblood survived.”

She grimaced. “He’s a nasty piece of work. He tried flirting with me before he found out who I was.”

“Well, so did I.” I couldn’t help defending him with that.

“And you kept doing it! He didn’t. He even tried apologizing, as if I wasn’t a pony with needs too. It had been a while since I felt so insulted.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Well, cougars scare some men away, I suppose.”

She sniffed. “I hardly think that description applies to either me or Celestia!” Evidence they were reading my journals. She didn’t realize her slip, though, and kept going, “We may be several thousand years old, but we hardly look it.”

“But you’re both giantesses. Celestia had to be over six feet tall when I saw her as a human. And you’re rather large for a pony as well.”

“That’s just because ponies started shrinking over the years. Back in our day, they were all larger.” Odd. “Celestia would still be larger than average, but I’m actually smaller than most of them were.”

“Nothing wrong with that. Hell, where I come from, I’m relatively short myself. It was a bit of a surprise to find I’m taller than just about every pony and most of the cats. Of course, most everything else is still taller than I am, but you can’t win them all.”

“Imagine how Celestia and I feel, dealing with the naga and the dragons. They all show deference, aside from a few of the ancient dragons and a few of the younger ones, but it is annoying being so used to towering over your subjects and then running into something that dwarfs you and could probably rip you limb from limb if they so desired.”

“Lucky for them that they don’t. I haven’t had many causes to get angry here, but I think that might do it.”

“I think I’d prefer it not happening than having it happen only to know it’ll be avenged, thank you.”

“Well, living in Ponyville makes it somewhat hard to proactively protect you.”

“We offered you the chance to live here. Taya could be taught in the school here and you could both live in the palace. You chose to live with those little hussies in that no-name town, though.”

“Hussies? That’s not very kind. And not very accurate, either.”

“I’ve seen how some of them look at you. That look of possession. You’ve slept with more than a few of them.” She didn’t say that with nearly as much venom as I expected. I think she read that from my look. “I’m not as… bad off as I was a few years ago, Nav. When you got here, it had been just over a year since I got back from my prison on the moon. I was desperate for attention, and you were the first stallion—male—that gave me any. I had been so long away from anypony that I wanted any manner of affection, even if I knew, intellectually, that it might be wrong. And when it came to a head, I realized how much of a fool I had been. It would never have ended well for either of us. Now, though, with your longer lifespan… Well, I’ve still a few years yet to pay. Live your life, Nav. But remember that you promised me a chance.”

“As you say, Princess.”

“And please don’t call me that. It sounds… wrong, coming from you.”

I shrugged. “If you’re fine with it, why call them hussies?”

Her nostrils flared before she could control them. “Who said I was fine with it? I said we’ll talk. As it stands, the only obligation you have to me is giving me a chance. And judging from how you talk, some of their actions weren’t entirely welcome anyway. But fine with it? Not quite. I call them hussies because I know how you feel about ponies; none of what they did would have been initiated by you.” I didn’t feel like pointing out the hypocrisy in that. At least, not without wearing my new ring.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve only slept with three of them. One of them is a lesbian and another… I don’t like talking about her.”

She grimaced. “That’s another thing that wouldn’t have happened back in my day.” She sighed, “But times are changing. I’d be a fool not to change with them. I’ve heard you talk about the other one. I don’t know how it turned out, though.”

“For the best,” I answered. Poor Fluttershy…

She nodded, understanding. “It’s sad when I can recognize that ‘for the best’ means the worst outcome for any two healthy ponies. Life isn’t easy for those of us that are so different. Which is why we have each other, I suppose.”

She didn’t even know the half of it.

“Until I finally piss you off for the last time and both of you agree that it’s best I disappeared quietly.”

“I’m sure you’ll find some way to play us off each other long enough for you to escape so far away that even we can’t find you.”

“Already have the plans ready.” Her eyes widened. I guess she was using the lie-detecting spell, and was expecting me to be lying. I wasn’t.

“You really are paranoid! Are you sure we can’t convince you to live here with us?”

“Twilight is the reason I’m here. It seems unfair to leave her, when I’m so useful.”

“She already has an assistant. And she’s hardly using you to your full potential. Surely you get bored, playing nursemaid to a bunch of small-town ponies and an over glorified attention-demanding student.” She finished that with particular venom.

“You really don’t like Twilight, do you?”

“Have you ever read any of that sentimental tripe she sends Celestia every few weeks? Yes, friends are great. I don’t know why she insists upon sending Celestia constant updates about all the wee minutiae of her life!” I decided to drop that subject, on the grounds that I think continuing it might have been detrimental to my health. I agreed with her, anyway.

“Given that my other option is a series of dangerous assignments from you or Celestia, I think I might pass.”

“Dangerous? The only danger you faced at the party was getting pricked on a dragon scale!”

“God, you watched that, too? I think you get off to voyeurism. Also, I got poisoned!”

“You barely even noticed the poison. If Celestia hadn’t told you, you never would have known. But you forgot that you also got slapped. I suppose that was somewhat dangerous. I think you deserved it, though. You’re lucky she didn’t use her claws.” She didn’t answer the voyeurism charge.

“You only thought I deserved it because that wasn’t you.”

She looked down. I thought for a second I might have gone too far. I poised my hand to shoot down and grab the ring, but thankfully, I hesitated for a second.

Without looking up, she whispered, “Would you… dance with me?”

I was silent for a few seconds. Finally, I said, “It’s hard to dance with no music.”

Her horn glowed slightly and a very old and battered record player appeared, along with a few dusty records. I stepped up to it and bent down to pick up one of the records, trying to read the label. It had worn away with time. “Did you stockpile this before you went to the moon?” I asked.

She looked up, smiling slightly. “I’m old fashioned. Pick any record, I’m sure you’ll know the tune.”

I put the one I was holding onto the player and fiddled around until I got it playing. Gentle music filled the throne room. I actually did recognize it: It was a song Pinkie Pie used occasionally. It sounded a little bit different, but similar enough that I could probably dance it.

Luna descended from her throne. I turned to her, holding up an arm. “May I have this dance, lady?”

She took my proffered arm with a small bend of her knees.

“Forgive me if I misstep,” I said. “It has been a while since I last danced.”

“It has been since Egill since I danced. I believe we can find our steps together.”

We glided through the dance. When the last notes were echoing through the chamber, she laid her head over my shoulder. “Where were you a thousand years ago, my knight?” she whispered. I didn’t answer, just continued holding her.

I got back to Ponyville less than an hour before sunrise. All of my friends there were happy to see me back, when they discovered I was back from the forest. Pinkie Pie was saddened to learn she wasn’t able to greet me with a party, of course, but logic finally prevailed over the chaos of her mind, and I somehow managed to talk her out of it.

Thankfully, nothing went catastrophically wrong while I was gone. Or at least, nothing that it was my job to fix. I spent a week outside of the forest, letting my mind recuperate from the darkness it went through. Since the first time did so much to me, I decided to go with a week in, week out schedule to try to reduce the damage.

Chapter Thirty-Nine—I hate Canterlot

Chapter Thirty-Nine—I hate Canterlot

On the third day of the first week I spent back in the forest, I stumbled upon a cave. I had found plenty of caves before, with all manner of nasty critters living in them, but this was the first cave that had loads and loads of jewels in it.

I knew immediately that I was probably about to die. A cave like this means a dragon. That many jewels meant a large dragon. I started tiptoeing out the cave, trying to make as little sound as I could.

To no avail, of course; I wouldn’t be so lucky. I saw a massive green head poke out of a pile of jewels, and a large serpentine neck followed. “Who enters my cave?” the dragon rumbled, opening its huge orange eyes and staring directly at me.

I closed my eyes for all of a second to say a silent prayer. I opened them and answered, hoping my voice wouldn’t break, “A weary traveler, seeking shelter for a short time. I see there is no shelter to be had here, and will leave.”

“Not so fast, creature,” the dragon answered, snaking its head around me and blocking my escape. Massive spines larger than my body lined his neck. “What are you? I have not seen your like before.”

“I am a treant. Part tree, part man. I would not give you much satisfaction to eat, I believe.”

“I am not interested in eating a peaceful guest, treant. If you aren’t here to steal, like my last guest, I would welcome the company. The last dragon to visit stole from me, and had the temerity to be angry at me for pointing out his transgressions. What’s worse, he escaped.”

“I have no desire for your riches, dragon. I have no use for jewels, I who get my sustenance from the sun.”

“And yet you have the lingering smell of gold about you…” He breathed in deep, sighing hot steam at me. “Much, much gold.” His snake-like tongue flicked out, slapping the air right in front of me and drawing back in with a nasty schlicking sound. I flinched.

“I have worked for rich ponies, in the past. Part of my job was protecting money.”

“You’ve lived among ponies!” Before I could do anything, his hand reached out and grabbed me. At that point I figured it was the end for me; it was day, so Luna wasn’t watching and Twilight or Celestia probably weren’t watching or either would have pulled me out by now.

Instead of crushing me or eating me, though, he set me down on a high pillar. “Much better,” he rumbled, bringing his head back up to eye level. “I grow weary of holding my head low to talk with the mortal races. How does Princess Luna fare?” he asked. “I remember long discussions with her, when the night fell and her subjects grew weary.”

Holy fuck, this dude’s old. “She is doing well,” I answered. “There are more of her subjects willing to stay awake during night, now. She hardly wants for friends.”

“I’ve noticed! I haven’t seen her in over a thousand years. I heard whispers from the night that she had been harmed, but I could find nothing definite out here in the wild. I rarely visit pony lands these days, since so many of them fear our kind now. I worried for her safety, but I knew if I came to help her, I might be attacked.”

“The situation with Princess Luna was… complicated. Her mind was subverted by something, and she basically turned evil due to jealousy of her sister. There was a struggle between titans, and Celestia came out on top. Luna was banished to the moon for a thousand years, until she could be freed and cured.”

“I see,” he hissed, narrowing his eyes. “And what of the creature that subverted her mind?”

“I don’t know. I might be able to live for thousands of years, but I’ve only just started. I wasn’t around while all this was happening.”

“And you never thought to ask?”

“You are a dragon, so this might not seem like a reasonable excuse, but… The princesses are incredibly powerful. Something like this is a bit of a touchy subject. I’m somewhat afraid to ask.”

He nodded, “I suppose you should be, at that. Truth be told, I would be leery of asking as well. The princess and I were friends, long ago, but she is young and might be angered at my asking. I would not want to risk hurting her.” Luna, young? Just how old is this guy?

“You aren’t worried of your own safety? She may be young, but she is powerful.”

“It takes more than magic to hurt something like me, treant. She could be annoying, of course, but it is better to just not risk it. I would not mind speaking with her again, but not on this. You have worked with ponies in the past, you said. Do you know if the princesses receive visitors still?”

“They do. And if they’re busy, I’m sure they could make time to see you. Though Princess Luna is usually only awake during the night.”

“What are a few hours, to one that has watched eons pass? I may call upon her, one of these years. Back in my day, more respect was given toward us ancients, but I suppose a thousand years is still a long time for one as young as she and her sister. I might have been forgotten over the years, with their turmoil.” He suddenly sniffed at me again. “I smell other things on you as well. Dragons. Cats. And,” his eyes opening a bit wider, “naga! I have not spoken with one of them in… I can’t even remember how long. Do you know if the great city Nagapolis still lies beneath the center of this land?”

“Big sapphire room?” I asked. He nodded eagerly. “There are still naga there, but the city was mostly abandoned when the caverns partially dried up. I’m told it is but a skeleton of what it once was. It is a shame what happened to them, but all things pass.”

“And we remain,” he answered, filling the cave with steam from a massive sigh. “I’ve seen wonders big and small. I knew Discord when he reigned, and knew his successors in Celestia and Luna. I’ve known mighty champions of almost all races, living and extinct. I’ve known every comfort and every hardship. I’ve seen many things come to pass, and I know that someday I, too, will pass. But enough talk of that. Tell me happy news, treant. What goes on in the world outside this cave?”

“Feel free to call me Navarone, friend.”

“Friend…” he slowly whispered out, as though tasting the word. Apparently he found it to his liking, for he slowly nodded. “It has been a long time since I heard that word. My name is… Is…” I heard a rumbling in his chest, followed by a deep chuckle. “I don’t even remember anymore. I suppose Princess Luna might know. You may call me Friend, until I remember. Tell me of your journeys, Navarone.”

I did just that. I didn’t tell him everything, of course, but I did tell him plenty. The telling took an hour or two, long enough for the sun to sink rather low in the sky. When I finished, he nodded, saying, “Things are getting interesting again. I might have to seek out some other dragons; I suppose I am probably one of the oldest of us, anymore. I have been away from things for so long… Long enough for the capital of Equestria to move. Long enough for a princess to be banished and reconciled without me even noticing. Long enough for the young to forget the reverence for the old. Too long.” He stretched his massive wings. “You say you know both the princesses.” I nodded. He looked at the shadows at the front of his cave entrance for a second and turned back to me. “What say you to reintroducing us?”

“Right now?” I asked, somewhat incredulously.

“Yes, Navarone.”

“I think you can fly a little bit faster than me, so you’ll have to slow down for me to keep up. But sure, I suppose I can do that.”

“You are not heavy, Navarone. You said you don’t like being handled, but I believe I can get us to this Canterlot in a short time, as long as you can tell me where it is.”

“I’ll need to go up to get my bearings, first, but I will consent to being held for a short time.”

He nodded, and bent down to a pile of jewels. He took a monster-sized bite right out of it, and chewed a bit before swallowing. “Let us depart this cave of mine, then.” He had to get down on his stomach to be able to get out, but he made it. I jumped down from my perch and followed him out, flying. When I was clear of the entrance, he moved a massive stone in front of it. “Avert your gaze, Navarone,” he warned, before blasting the stone with a massive gout of flame, clearly marking it. “I have learned my lesson,” he explained. “There are a few thieves out here, even in this relatively desolate forest. Go and find this city. I will be behind you.”

“You will probably scare them, Friend,” I told him.

“It truly has been a long time. They will get over their fear.”

I flew high into the air, until I could see Ponyville. Way in the distance, I could see the spires of Canterlot rising above the land. I looked down for Friend, to signal him up, to find he was already above me. In one thrust of his wings, he had soared higher than I was able to get in half a minute. I looked up and pointed off to Canterlot, to make sure he knew the way, and then flew into his talons.

You know, I never thought I would write that… We made it in five minutes.

And I was right: The ponies in Canterlot were definitely terrified. As soon as we got over the castle, Friend let me go. I led the way to the main entrance of the palace. He was barely able to fit in front of the entrance. When he landed, it felt like the entire castle shook on its foundations. As soon as we touched down, guards came sprinting up, terror visible in their eyes.

I waved them down from doing anything foolish. “Guards, this is an old friend of Princess Luna. Is she awake yet?”

“I am, Navarone,” Princess Luna answered, stepping out of the palace with Celestia in tow. “You caused quite a…” Her eyes widened farther than I had seen them do in a while. “Reginald!” She ran up to the dragon. Celestia watched with a small smile.

Reginald chuckled, letting out a bit more steam. “Reginald! That was it! There’s my name for you, Navarone.” Luna finally reached him, and was looking up at him with a look of wonder. “Hello again, my friend. It has been a little while since last we spoke, I believe.”

The guards were standing down, and looking to Celestia for instructions. “There is no emergency here,” she said to their questioning gazes. “Go and calm the ponies of Canterlot. I’m sure they have questions. Just tell them a friend has arrived.” They bowed and went to do as she commanded. “Sir Navarone, let’s go for a little walk.”

We left Luna and Reginald there, and walked to a massive labyrinth near the palace. “You always find a way to surprise us, Nav,” she opened with. “But this…” She shook her head. “It was foolish of you to bring him here, but it was also perfect timing.” Suddenly, a message burst into existence in front of her. She gave off a longsuffering sigh. “I could not tell you how many times Twilight has interrupted me with a note during an important meeting or function…” She passed it to me without even opening it. “Anything important?”

I opened it and did a quick read through. “Yada yada, dragon attack, do you need help?”

She sighed again. “I don’t suppose you have a quill and ink on you?”

I tore a strip of paper off what Twilight sent and pricked my arm with a knife. “You want me to just tell her no?”

“Please.” I didn’t think Twilight would be pleased to get a note in blood, but she’d get over it. When I was finished, I held it up. With a small glow of her horn, she sent the note back. I put some pressure on the arm; I figured it would stop bleeding quickly enough. She continued where she had left off, “Seeing this dragon will be good for Luna’s mind, I believe. She grew up with him as a friend. Where did you find him?”

“The forest. He was living in a cave. He didn’t even know about Nightmare Moon or that the capital had moved. He just knew Luna hadn’t visited him in over a thousand years, which to him is apparently a drop in the bucket.”

Celestia snorted at that. “He’s old, but not as old as that. He knew us before… Well, he’s been around for a long time. And he’s been in the forest all this time… It is interesting that he would choose now to come out, but I suppose it was going to happen sometime or another.” She was silent for a while. We walked around the labyrinth—not through it, but around—for a few minutes. “So, how goes the rest of the exploration in the forest?” she finally asked.

“I found an old castle that looked like it had been used recently; there were hoofprints all throughout it. I found what looked like an old factory, and that place… It was spooky. I felt like I was being watched the whole time I was in there. If I had to guess, I’d say it was another ghost. Those exist, apparently.” I shrugged. “As soon as this conversation is over, I’ll probably head back to the forest.”

“If you need to rest, Nav, you know the castle is open to you. I know Luna would be happy to have you here, and I always enjoy our talks as well.”

“I know. But there is still much to explore and much to find. I may have all the time in the world, but the sooner I start, the sooner I’ll be finished. This isn’t a task I’d want to postpone.”

“I understand. I wish we could send somepony in there with you, but… It’s dangerous enough for you to go in alone, let alone with somepony not invisible to the animals. Didn’t do you much good with Reginald, though.”

“When I found his cave, I thought I was a goner. I turned to sneak out and almost made it when he stuck his head out of the piles of treasure he had. I suppose I got lucky that he was lonely. When he grabbed me with those talons… Well, I’m here.”

“You are. And not wearing your ring, either. Leave it behind?” she asked with a smile.

“I don’t wear it that much when I’m in the forest. I won’t risk needing to be rescued but being unable to get help.”

“Yes, trust the magic when you need it. But you don’t trust me unless you’re wearing it.”

“Should I, Princess?”

I knew she was going to lie before she said, “Of course, Navarone.” So some ponies can lie. “I don’t know why everypony—and you—seem to think I’m such a villain. Do I truly seem so evil to you?”

“You blackmailed me into killing people. You threatened me with prison if I didn’t guard Blueblood. You aren’t a villain and you aren’t evil, but that doesn’t mean you are good.” She looked somewhat sour when I said that. “If you don’t need me for anything, I think I’ll return to the forest. I might as well try to find the spot I left.”

“You really do need some rest, Nav,” she said. “You seem… jumpy. I think the forest is getting to you. I know you don’t sleep, but please stay the night in the palace. As a favor to me, if nothing else.”

I thought about it for a few seconds. She might be right. That forest, man… It digs into the mind. And what’s a single night?

“Very well, Princess. I’ll freely admit that the forest gets into my mind. I will stay the night here. I have always wanted to walk this labyrinth.”

“You know, one of your friends from Ponyville is staying at the palace. You could spend some time with her, if you think it might help ease your mind.”

“Which one?”

She thought for a minute. “The white one with purple hair,” she finally said. “Rarity, I think it is. So many names in my mind, these days. I pay so little attention to the petty politicking that goes on in Canterlot, and I think this one visits just to be a part of it.”

I grimaced. “Yeah, that sounds like Rarity. The last time I was in Canterlot with her was when I was in prison… Though I do look a bit different now. I think I might pass on seeing her anyway. We don’t always see eye to eye.”

“That’s probably because you’re taller than she is. I really think it would do you good to talk to some ponies that aren’t princesses or guards, Nav. You’re getting strung out.”

“It’s nearing night, and I leave in the morning. Most regular ponies will soon be asleep.”

“You are free to take as much time off as you need, Nav. I understand that the forest is an evil place.”

“I don’t think I need any time off, Princess. I am staying the night here because you asked me to, not because I think I need it.”

“You don’t have to explore the forest if you really don’t want to.”

“And risk missing out on another discovery like that?” I asked, pointing over my shoulder where we left the dragon. “There is no telling what else might be in that place. And it has been interesting, at times, to see what manner of critters are in that place.”

“You are making this very difficult for me, Nav. Do I need to order you to stay out of that forest for a few days?”

I ruffled my wings. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to pretend I didn’t hear that. I will obey your orders in public, but remember that I am not a pony. Until you start threatening me again, I’ll do as you ask if I see a good enough reason to, or it doesn’t involve a serious risk to me.”

“I can do threats,” she said, her voice dropping in a way I wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

“Then you will lose a friend and gain another slave. A considerably more useful slave, but still a slave. I help you because I trust that you won’t ask me to do something I wouldn’t willingly do, or to do something that would put me in needless danger. You start disrupting that balance, I put my ring on and you never see me again.”

She sighed. “Why can’t you see that I just want to help you?”

“I’ve been wanting to try this for a while,” I said, digging something out of my pocket. I pulled out my old keychain, with the magic key attached. I envisioned Celestia’s mind as a locked box of secrets. “Are you trying to help me?”

Her eyes sort of… shut down. “I am trying to do the best for Equestria. Helping you right now furthers my primary goal.” While she was out of it, I slipped the ring on my finger. She blinked. “What did you do?” She did not sound at all amused.

“Abused the hell out of my key,” I answered, putting it back in my pocket. “Not quite what I was expecting, but okay. I’ll stay here for a few days, or until I feel I am not welcome.”

“What. Did. You. Do.” She was staring at me like I had just pinched her bottom.

“I have a key that can open any lock. Your mind is a locked box of secrets.” I shrugged. “I didn’t actually think it would work.”

“Do not do that to me or Luna ever again. And if I ever find out that you are abusing it, I will take that key from you.” She’s just jealous I thought of it and she didn’t.

“There’s a reason I tell lies. I know what the truth can do to people.”

She snorted. “I know you don’t sleep during these seasons, but there’s no reason for you to go carrying those,” with a look to my weapons, “with you in Canterlot. And you need a bath. And I suppose you should wash your clothes, too. You can have a room next to your friend. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.” She must really not know Rarity that well.

She told me where to go and then left to do princess things. Probably torturing guards by ordering them to do pointless things. I went off to take a bath.

I dropped my clothes off at the palace laundromat—you can’t expect people important enough to stay at the palace to do their own laundry—and picked up a towel that was as big as I was. I didn’t have any spare clothes, so I had to do that ahead of time so I would have something to put on when I got back.

All that done, I carried my weapons and the contents of my pockets to my suite, wearing nothing but a giant towel. I dumped everything on the bed I wasn’t planning on using and took a bath.

By the time I was finished with all that mess, it was well and truly night. I got my clothes, strapped on some knife belts, put on the ring and grabbed my key and locked the door behind me.

“Navarone? What are you doing here?” I heard Rarity asking from a few feet away. I looked over and saw her at the door next to mine.

“Did you see the dragon come in?”

“You’re here because of that dreadful monster? I know the guards said the situation was under control, but I didn’t know they had to use your… talents… to do it!”

“Actually, he is here because of me. Reginald—the dragon—is an old friend of Luna’s. And I do mean old. He knew her before she was Nightmare Moon. Hell, he said he knew her before she and Celestia were even in power. I found him in the forest. He left several huge piles of gems to come to Canterlot to see her.”

Her eyes glowed a bit at that. “Huge piles of g—No! Not this time, Rarity… You’ve got things to do…” I let her have her moment. After a second, she continued, “How long are you going to be in Canterlot?”

“A few days. Celestia asked me to take a break from the forest.”

She got a thoughtful look on her face. “If you’re going to be here that long… Do you mind helping a friend in need?”

“Depends. What does this friend of mine need?”

“Well… You know how you’re a knight and all? The first Lunar knight in such a long time…” At my raised eyebrow, she continued, “And you’ve been ignoring so many invitations. Ever since you offered to take me to some events, I’ve been… Er, borrowing the invites you get.” I had wondered why I wasn’t getting any more of them. I suppose she just asked Derpy to deliver them to her instead. She blushed a bit at this next part. “I’ve been attending a few of the events you get invited to, when you get nameless tickets.”

I shrugged. “At least they aren’t going to waste.”

She sighed. “That makes me feel a bit better. I was thinking you might be angry!” Why would I be mad? “Since you’re here… I was just wondering if that offer to take me to a few of the more… Well, prestigious events still stands.” She gave me one of her seductive looks that did nothing for me. The smile accompanying it almost made me burst out laughing.

I opened my mouth to tell her hell no, but remembered what Celestia told me about spending time with regular ponies. I almost said no anyway, just to spite them both. After a second, I answered, “If I am not needed for anything else, I suppose I could. If we end up in prison again, though, I am done helping you. And I won’t give you your last request again, either.”

I saw her mouth last request with a confused look on her face, before she shook her head until a smile reappeared. “You can’t know how much this means to me, Nav!”

“A few points, though: This isn’t a date, it’s a thing between friends. This isn’t going to be a common thing. If you start getting ridiculous or annoying, I’ll leave you hanging. And if this makes Luna mad, you’re taking the heat.”

She waved her hoof. “It’ll be fine, Nav! I think I know you well enough by now to know what your limits are.”

“Good. How threatening do you want me to look?”

“Um. Don’t scare anypony, but otherwise feel free to go all out.”

“I’ll meet you in the morning, then. What time?”

“Oh, any time before eleven, I suppose… Hm. Are you going to be wearing that?”

I looked down at what I was wearing: Basically, a suit of camo clothes, shortened because it was spring and warm. I looked back up. “I just got out of the forest. This is all I have here.”

“You didn’t wear that marvelous armor? Why ever not?”

“Not worth it. That stuff is too hot to wander around in for weeks at a time. I’ve yet to get hurt, so I don’t really think I need it. It’s not a long trip home if you want me to go and get it. I can easily get there and get back before we need to leave tomorrow.”

“Hm. That could work. Though I don’t suppose you’d need me to fix up that set of clothes before you go?”

I looked down at my clothes again. They were pretty fucked up. I looked up at her and shrugged. “If you want. They can wa—” She dragged me inside.

“Not enough time to make anything new… Well, all you really need is a fix. Take your clothes off.”

I could see it now: I’ll take my clothes off and in five minutes Luna will come through that door looking for me, finding me and Rarity in some manner of compromising position. I closed the door and locked it. I turned to find Rarity giving me a look. “I’ve had too many misunderstandings,” I answered. I took my shirt off and threw it at her. She caught it in the air with her magic.

“You simply must stop treating your clothing like this, Nav!” she whined, doing her best to ‘unwrinkle’ my shirt. She was so absorbed in that she didn’t notice the pants flying at her. She peeled them off her face with magic, to reveal a glare, which quickly subsided when she noticed how many straps of knives I had around me.

I noticed her looks. “I know you’re not attracted to my human body, Rarity. Stop looking me over.” Her face turned crimson. I saw her cat giving me looks, too. “Shut up, Opal,” I said. The cat sniffed and went back to napping.

Rarity didn’t avert her gaze, though. “Nav… Are you… healthy?”

I saw she was looking at my torso and I looked down at it. I was so skinny you could see my stomach delving up into my ribcage. I put a hand on my stomach. “Holy shit,” I said, feeling it. “Well, I don’t really need to eat anymore, so I haven’t been,” I answered. “Twilight doesn’t have many mirrors in her house and I rarely look down there. If I was still a human, I would be dead from starvation by now.”

“…How long has it been since you last ate?” she asked, horrified. I noticed her gaze was going… other places.

“Oh, about a week, I think.” She was looking at something else. “Rarity? Rarity!”

She blinked and looked up. “A week? Nav, you’re going to kill yourself like that!”

“I’ve survived this long. What’s a few more centuries? Besides, it’s not like I can eat most of that crap you ponies shovel down. I tried eating a few flowers when I realized I wasn’t quite human anymore and I got sick.” It was miserable, too.

She was shaking her head. “I can’t let you do this to yourself, Nav.” She used her magic to pull a cord hanging down from the wall. I saw a grille on the wall start to shine with a glow I’ve long since discovered means magic is being done upon it.

A voice suddenly crackled out of the grille and I realized it was an intercom. “What do you need, Mistress Rarity?” It sounded like a young stallion.

“I need a meal sent up here as fast as you can make it,” she commanded. “No grass, no flowers, no vegetables. Bread is fine, fruit is fine.” I could eat most vegetables, but there were a few I couldn’t. “Eggs, if you have them.”

“Right away, Mistress,” the voice answered. “Will there be anything else?”

“No, that’s all,” she answered. The grille stopped glowing.

“So that’s what that cord is for,” I said.

Rarity turned her gaze back to me. “I suppose this will be acceptable?” she asked.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “I’ll eat what I can.”

“No, Nav. You’ll eat all of it. You’ll eat it if I have to hold you down with magic. And I know you know I can.” You’d be surprised. I wanted to say it, but I wasn’t going to give away my trump just yet. “Now, let’s get started on your clothes.” She turned to where she had set them down.

Despite my time in this world, I still wasn’t comfortable with being naked in front of anyone. I sat on the bed and covered my lower body. “How long should this take?” I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“Oh, surely less than an hour. I don’t have to do anything too drastic. Just a bit of metal here and there, gotta modify the pants, I might touch up the shoes a bit…”

“I thought all you were doing was fixing them.”

She gave me a look. “Navarone, you are a knight! I can’t allow you to go around dressing like… Ugh. Even if you’re going to be in the forest, you still must have some standards!”

Pick your battles. I sighed. “Whatever. I have to have something to do all night, anyway.”

She beamed. “That’s the spirit!” She went back to changing my clothes. She dug through all manner of bags around her to get what she needed. She added metal studs to my gloves and curved metal knee pads for my pants. She added length to everything I had.

After fifteen minutes of doing essentially nothing but watching, I asked, “So what should I expect tomorrow?”

She didn’t look up, but answered, “Oh, you know, standard high society ponies. I don’t expect many of them to talk to you, but I’m sure you’ll make a nice impression. Especially when I remind them who you are.” Fun. “Hm… Do you think—Oh, shoot!” I looked over to find she had a needle stuck in her hoof. How does that even happen?

With a glow of her horn, she pulled it out. “This is what I get for not paying attention, I suppose. So, Navarone, do you think you can get Princess Celestia to one of the various functions around Canterlot? I’ve heard she almost never attends any of them.”

“She isn’t interested in stuff like that. We were actually having a conversation about that earlier, when she told me you were in town. Petty politics and social events like that start meaning less and less the longer you live, and she has lived for quite a while.”

“I never thought about it that way before. I don’t suppose… Is she lonely, Navarone? I know you are closer to her than most ponies know.”

“This conversation doesn’t leave this room.” I waited for her nod to continue. “She is. She has lived thousands of years. Time has ceased to have much meaning for her. Ponies come and go. Students come and go. Time passes. Every single one of her subjects sees her as Princess, not Celestia. Leader, not friend. She can meet with her subjects all she wants, but they’ll still only see her as Princess. That’s how they were raised, and it’s what they know. And she loves them anyway.”

“And what of you, Navarone? You said ponies treat her like that. I know you don’t see yourself as one of us.”

“I am one of her few friends, I think. I grew up with no reverence for royalty. We have an understanding of sorts.”

“I’ve never really thought about what it must be like, to live as she has. Do you think she would come to any event, if you asked?”

“Maybe. But even if she was, she would be treated as a princess, not as a friend. Luna has a bit of an advantage, there, since she is hardly known as a princess anymore. Or rather, she wasn’t when she started making friends again. Celestia, though? She could try. But I don’t think it would turn out well.”

“You know her better than I,” she answered doubtfully. She bent back to her work. Not a minute later, she looked back up. “What about Princess Luna?” she asked. “I know she isn’t usually awake during the day, but do you think you could get her to come with us?”

“I think I could, but I know I won’t.”

“Oh, come on, Nav! You said yourself that they were lonely and wanting friends, and that Princess Luna could make them easier.”

“And she told me she doesn’t like people toadying up to her. She wants friends, not people that listen to her because she’s important. You would be hard pressed to find somebody in this town that would be a good friend, I believe.”

“That’s not true! And this is a city, not a simple town!”

“First, if there are more than ten thousand ponies living in this place, I would be shocked. There are cities in my world with millions of people living in them. I don’t think the population of sapient animals in this world is as large as the population of Manhattan alone.” She couldn’t answer that. “And second, you might be correct about a few friend-worthy ponies being here. I will admit to not having met too many Canterlot ponies. I might be wrong. I suppose I can judge tomorrow.”

“I suppose you will,” she said, bending back to her work. Five minutes later she looked up again. “Do you still remember how to dance?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Hm…” She looked over my clothes. “No, it’s too late for that. This will have to do.” She went back to it. I was tempted to ask where she was getting the metal, but I have learned that it is wise to not ask where a pony is pulling something from. I’ve seen Pinkie Pie pull numerous things out of nowhere, often to use as comedic effect. And I don’t mean nowhere as in I didn’t notice them before she picked them up, I literally fucking mean nowhere. I’ve just learned to accept it.

Fifteen minutes later, she was finished. It took her a second to get my attention; I was zoned way the hell out. When I came to, I saw she had a look of concern on her face. “Navarone?” she asked. “Oh Celestia, don’t tell me you’re dead!” I blinked. She sagged.

“I’m part tree. I only sleep at night for half the year. For the rest of that, I’m constantly awake. Learning to zone out has saved my mind, in some ways.” I got out from under the covers and put my pants on.

She was watching for my reaction, but before I could give it she gave out a gasp. “What a beautiful ring!” she exclaimed. “I simply must get a better look! Hold it into the light for me!” I finished putting my pants on and did so. “My my my, where did you get this? I don’t remember seeing you wearing it before!”

“A gift from the Everfree Forest,” I answered. “Neither Celestia nor Luna knows what it says, or how old it is.”

“Hm… I know rings are out this season, but… Do you think I could borrow it for the outing tomorrow? This might bring them back in style!”

“You don’t want to wear this ring, Rarity. Trust me.”

“Oh, posh! This would look wonderful on me!”

I slipped it off my finger and onto her horn. “Bring a mirror on over to see how it looks,” I said, hiding a smile.

Her shriek of pure terror made staying in Canterlot worth it. “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!” she cried, pawing at her horn with her front hooves. I reached down and plucked it off, openly showing my smile. I slipped it on before she could retaliate. She gave me a haunted look. “I will never, ever question again why you like having hands.” Her eyes hardened. “And if you ever, EVER put that thing back on me, I will beat you to within an inch of your life.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the mental image that gave me. She thought about it for a second and gave me a weak grin in return. “Okay, I’ll admit that might be an overreaction. A bit of one. But still… How can you stand wearing that?”

“Because it makes me immune to magic. This isn’t the only gift the forest gave me, either.”

“Oh? Do tell! Though if they’re anything like that ring, I’m not so certain I want to know…”

“I’ve a key to open any lock and a pair of stones that can change gender. The first time you change is a bit painful, but after that it’s painless.”

“Change gender? Why would anypony want to do that?”

“Fuck all if I know. If it didn’t hurt the first time, I would have already thrown the male stone at you, just to see how you would take it.”

“I would not take it well.”

“That’s kind of what I thought. If it makes you feel any better, you were the only one I wanted to do that to.”

“It doesn’t, actually. It really, really doesn’t.”

“Well, to each their own. So, what have you done to my clothes?”

She brightened right up and began talking about things I don’t care about using words I don’t know. I already mentioned some of what she did. She also fixed all the damage everything had taken in the forest. She added iron to the toes of my shoes, which she promised was easily removed. It was her usual masterful work.

“I do feel a lot heavier now,” I said, trying to judge if it would slow me down any. A few seconds of experimentation told me my arm would be off if I tried throwing something, but I had a bit of time to fix that. “You need anything before you go to sleep?”

“You are staying right here until that food gets here, Nav. It should have been here by now, but it is late…”

“You really can’t make me stay, Rarity.” She got a look of determination on her face. I continued, “But I will stay anyway; I have few enough people willing to help me get better to risk hurting them.” She smiled with relief.

We talked a bit about my travels in the forest until the food got here. I knew she wanted to yell at the guy delivering it for taking so long, but she refrained. Poor stallion didn’t look like he could take being yelled at anyway.

She floated the tray in and gently set it down on a table set up against the wall. “Now eat!” she told me, giving me the kind of look I would expect from either a mother or Celestia.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the table. “Apples. Raw bread. Boiled eggs. They don’t have any imagination down there in the kitchens, do they?” I asked.

She used magic to pull a chair out and pointed at it. I sat. I think she tried to use magic to push the chair back in, but it didn’t work; I heard her loudly gulp and when I looked up at her she was looking away. I shook my head and began. Least they could have done was give me some butter…

I finally finished and pushed the tray away, feeling slightly sick. “Happy?” I asked.

She looked down on the tray, making sure I actually had eaten everything. “Happy enough,” she replied. “You just make sure to keep eating, even if you don’t feel hungry. I don’t care what kind of magic you have sustaining you, you still need to eat.”

“I’ll be fine, Rarity,” I said, standing up. “I’ll just go drop this off at the kitchen and let you sleep, I guess.”

She nodded a bit. “Good night, Navarone. Have fun doing whatever you do all night.”

I grabbed the tray and shrugged. “I might have fun. I’ll probably just walk the labyrinth for a spell, or maybe explore the castle. And I still need to get my armor. See you in the morning.”

I dropped the tray off and got my armor and axe first. I threw the armor in a bag as quietly as I could and flew back to Canterlot and dropped it all in my room there. That done, I hit the labyrinth. Nothing much in it, but it killed a few hours. It’s deceptively big, too, and I made sure to explore the entire thing using the right-hand rule. I’m beginning to think a few places in this world have black holes in them, and distort space and time so they will look smaller than they actually are. I’ve said it before, though: This world makes no sense to me.

When I reached the end of the maze, I remembered I was wearing the ring. I removed it; if it was day I would have left it on, but Luna might wish to talk during the night. I wasn’t expecting it tonight, with her old friend here to catch up with, but you never know.

The labyrinth conquered, I decided to head into the castle proper, to see if I could find any manner of library. While I was still outside, I looked up at the sky to see if I could possibly tell what time it was.

When I looked down, I saw a massive dragon in front of me, with Luna alongside him. They were both looking at me. “Princess, Reginald,” I nodded to them. How did I not hear them coming?

I suddenly found myself being hugged by Luna—suddenly as in teleported into her open front legs. The thing about being hugged by a pony is that you get a lot of their weight shifted onto you. For Taya, that’s not a problem. For ponies like Twilight, it isn’t that much of a problem. Luna was pushing the edges of what I could hold, though. I don’t even want to think about being hugged by Celestia. I also really don’t want to think about where that would put my face.

Thankfully, the hug didn’t last long. “Thank you so much, Nav,” she said, letting me go. “I actually forgot about Reginald here until I saw him again!”

I heard a deep chuckle beside us, and felt a warm breath of steam hit us. “And they say the old have bad memories,” he quipped.

“You aren’t that much older than us,” Luna said. “Though you’ve always liked to pretend you were. Anything to impress somepony, as I recall.”

He snorted, bathing us with more steam. “Calling me not that much older is a bit of a misnomer, for those as old as us. I’m a few thousand years older than Celestia, Navarone, and don’t let her try to tell you otherwise.”

“A thousand years means quite a lot, you know!” Luna answered.

“To you, yes. Especially if you spend it on the moon, I suppose. To me? I recently woke up after sleeping for around a hundred years. Though to be fair, dragons are actually supposed to live this long. What happened to you—”

“Enough of that, Reginald,” she answered with a pained look. He bowed his head. “So, Navarone, is there any reason you fell off the map earlier?” How she manages to watch me all the time she’s awake, I don’t know; Twilight mentioned how distracting it was to see things from my view.

“I fear I angered your sister again. I thought it not worth risking my neck just to see how far I can push her and still come back.”

“Then perhaps you should stop angering her,” she answered rather pointedly. “But surely her wrath didn’t last that long.”

“I ran into a friend from Ponyville. I always find it pays to be protected around her. Never know what she might try to do.”

Luna’s gaze grew colder at the mention of Rarity. “I see.” The air grew somewhat frosty at those words. “I’m surprised to see you even still here. I suppose Celestia’s anger is because you refused to go back into the forest?”

“It was because I refused to take some time off from the forest, actually. She… convinced me to stay in town, and suggested I spend some time with my friend.”

“She did, did she?” I was just digging my grave deeper and deeper. “And what kind of plans do you two have?”

I was somewhat afraid to answer, but I did anyway: “Rarity wants to further her image here in town. She knows how I keep getting invited to all manner of boring events since I’m your knight. She asked me to take her to a few of them. We’re going to some tomorrow as friends.” I thought for half a second, and continued, “She tried to get me to ask you or Celestia to attend with us, but I knew neither of you are interested in things such as those.”

“Uh huh.” Sometimes I just shouldn’t open my mouth.

“Yup.” I think it might have been dangerous for me to be there much longer, so I decided to beat feet: “Well, it was good seeing you again, Reginald. I think I’ll leave you two to continue catching up. You know how to find me if you need me, Luna.”

She gave a stiff nod, and Reginald answered, “Until we meet again, Navarone.” I casually walked away as quickly as I could until I got out of sight, when I slowed down. I contemplated putting the ring on, and decided against it; no reason to risk pissing Luna off even more if she did want to talk to me later.

It didn’t take me much time to find a library. It took me even less time to get inside; it was locked, but that doesn’t mean much to someone with a skeleton key.

The sun took a long time to rise, that’s for damn sure; Princess Luna never summoned me, so I was left in the library all night. I was interrupted a little after dawn by a librarian. He saw me sitting next to a stack of books and his jaw dropped.

“How did you… What…” He sighed. “Human, why are you in my library?”

I shrugged. “I got bored. What time is it?”

“Around seven. When you get done, put everything up as you found it, I suppose.”

I finished a bit of the passage I was on and put everything up. The librarian let out a sigh of relief as I walked out the door. I slowly meandered my way back to my room.

I changed out of the clothes Rarity modified and put on some thicker clothes I brought with me to muffle the feel of armor against my skin. Then I started strapping on the actual armor, which took a while since I didn’t remember exactly how everything went. When I finally got it all on, I started putting on weapons. I left the sword in my room and slid the axe over my shoulder instead. I’ve described my weapon alignment before, so I don’t feel like writing the rest of it out.

All that done, I stepped outside, relocked my door, and knocked on Rarity’s. She opened it with a bit of a fearful look. “Thank Celestia,” she whispered. “Oh hello, Navarone!” she said, louder. “Do come in!”

She opened her door wider. I got a step inside. I. Am. An. Idiot. I saw Princess Luna inside, sipping casually at a cup of tea. “Luna,” I said, nodding at her. “If I’m interrupting anything, I can find something else to do for a little while.”

Rarity closed the door behind me a little bit too hard to be natural. “No, no,” Rarity said, “Nothing that important. Princess Luna and I were just talking about you, in fact!”

“We were talking about your invitation, to be more precise,” Luna said. “I think I might accept it; I have not been to many events in Canterlot since I got back, even though I am always invited.”

“Glad to see you’re trying to make more friends, Luna. Though I don’t really know if any of these people will be someone you’d want as a friend.”

“I guess we shall find out. Though that does raise a bit of a conundrum, of sorts… You see, my typical guards of the night are asleep right now. It simply wouldn’t do for a princess to be somewhere without an escort.”

“It’s a good thing Celestia has a load of royal guards just sort of chilling around the palace, then,” I answered.

If looks could kill… Well, I’d have died long ago. But I think my body would have just gotten dismembered by this one. “Indeed,” she answered in a tone that should have given me frostbite. Why do I keep digging this hole?

“So, Rarity, what kind of events will we be attending, anyway?” I asked, keeping my tune relatively hopeful.

She perked up a little, but she still looked rather scared. “An opera,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper. “And then a luncheon. And finally, a garden party.” By the time she finished, she was about up to a conversational tone.

Now, none of you will believe this, but I actually liked some opera back home. I didn’t know anything about pony opera, but surely it couldn’t be that bad. Though if I was having to deal with Luna being a jealous little filly the whole time it might be excruciating.

“So when do we leave?” I asked.

A few hours later, a relatively small group left the palace heading to some opera hall or something. Luna decided not to take guards, which gave me a bit of an eerie feeling. Rarity and Luna led the way, with me flanking them. I did my best to look like an actual knight before I realized that I honestly didn’t care.

Pretty much everyone on the streets was watching us. Some were more discreet about it than others, but we were definitely the focus of the crowds. And I don’t think it was Rarity’s ridiculous outfit that caused it. I was relatively well-known around Equestria by now, but I still always get looks wherever I go. But most of the looks were reserved for Luna, I believe. She didn’t go out much in Canterlot, preferring to spend her time either in the palace or in smaller places like Ponyville.

I noticed something that I wasn’t able to ask about until much later. When I did, I learned that there was some manner of tradition in the city for dealing with Celestia or Luna: If they were in a carriage or something, bow and make obeisance. But if they were on foot, they were to be treated with respect but no bowing or the like. We were on foot, thank God.

I had a feeling that anything Rarity might have gained from my being with her was going to be lost when everyone noticed Luna was there. Unless Rarity managed to convince them that Luna was there because of her. I wanted nothing to do with that; I was there as a knight. Or more truthfully, I was there as a friend of Rarity’s who happened to also be a knight.

At the opera, Luna was given a special VIP seat, of course, and much fuss was made over her. You know, typical royalty stuff. She very purposefully and very discreetly snubbed me and Rarity in taking over the VIP box just for herself, too.

The few ponies that would have been there with Rarity were put into the next best seating, and the buck pretty much passed down that way, until the people in the last ‘special’ spots were put into the regular crowd.

There were a few looks and comments about why she was snubbing her ‘loyal’ knight, but when I explained that I was here with Rarity, most of those comments were nipped.

In their place, however, were ponies actually talking to me before the show started. No one mentioned that I hadn’t responded to any of the letters I had gotten, which was good because they probably would have expected me to remember who sent what. I checked each one to make sure there was nothing personal before I had Taya start burning them, but I didn’t recognize any of the rich people here.

Shortly enough, the opera began and everyone settled down. I sat next to Rarity, of course. She tried to hide it, but I saw the hurt feeling in Rarity’s eyes from what Luna had done. When the singing and whatnot started, I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I know what Luna is doing, and why. I will try to reason with her.” I put my hand on her hoof for a second before backing out of the balcony.

I made my way up to Luna’s seating, where a small horde of the opera house’s servants stood milling about, uncertain what the exact protocol on this was; it had been so long since either princess had visited that there weren’t exactly any rules in place for it. I took one look at that mess and couldn’t help but face-palm. I don’t suggest doing that with gauntlets.

“Why are you all here?” I quietly asked. They all turned toward me with more hope in their eyes than they should have had. “Well?”

It took a few seconds, but one of them finally spoke up. He said, “We… we don’t exactly… what are we supposed to do? She’s a princess!”

I’m sure I had a bit of an exasperated look on my face. “What has she asked for?” I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“Not to be disturbed,” the stallion answered.

“Nothing else?”

They all shook their heads.

“One of you, stay here. The rest of you go back to your positions, whatever they are.” They all looked around at each other, but none started walking away. I rubbed lightly at my temple. I pointed to a pony at random. “You, stay here. The rest of you, leave.” They all looked at the marked mare, and she tried hiding her astonishment by bowing her head. After a short moment, they all started breaking away. I was left with the mare and the stallion that originally spoke up.

“Now Berry, you do as he tells you, ya hear?” the stallion was whispering to her. She nodded fearfully. “That’s a good filly.” The stallion looked up to me. “Thank you for setting us straight, friend; it has been a while since we had a patron of her rank. Berry here will serve you both well. She’ll be sure not to disturb the princess.”

I nodded. “Thank you both. We would have sent more warning, but it was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment decision for Princess Luna to even come by. My apologies for the inconvenience. I’m sure if you sent some manner of runner to the palace, you would be compensated for any loss of business from giving away the VIP seats.”

“Oh, no!” he said quickly. “It is an honor to have royalty here again! And the others all understand the reasoning behind it, of course. No insult was taken.”

I nodded again. “Thank you, then. If you have no further questions, I need to speak to the princess for a moment.”

The two ponies looked at each other. The stallion nodded. Berry hesitantly spoke up, “Princess Luna asked not to be disturbed… I’m sorry, but…”

“She’s expecting me,” I told them. She looked back to the stallion, who shrugged. I went on through and closed the door behind me.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to sort through that mess,” Luna said without looking away from the show. “I was starting to think they would all be there the entire time.”

“I would never let you down, Luna,” I answered. “Surely you know that by now.”

“And yet…” She stopped.

“And yet you still think Rarity might be some manner of threat to you.” I sat down next to her, making sure my wings didn’t get caught anywhere. “You are jealous.” I’m pretty sure I offended her when I said that. I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring, making sure she saw me do it. “You have nothing to be jealous about.”

She looked at me, then. “I know, Nav… It’s just hard, knowing you care so much about your friends. I know you care about me, but…” She sighed, looking down slightly before returning her sorrowful gaze to the show.

“I am doing a favor for a friend right now, Luna. I promised her I would do this for her. You and I both know it’s silly, but she asked and I agreed. I never go back on my word; you should know that by now. I lie, but if I say that I’ll do something, it will be done.” We were both silent for a little while, just watching the show.

Finally I said, “You scared Rarity, Luna. I don’t know what you did, but when she opened the door this morning, I could tell she was terrified.” Luna didn’t say anything, but looked to the floor instead of to the show. “You can make it up to her by being nice on the rest of this day’s trip. I know she’s overly dramatic and can be somewhat annoying, but a more generous soul you’d be hard-pressed to find.” Usually.

She sighed lightly. “I will be nicer,” she finally said. “And when the day is over, I’ll apologize.” She looked back up to the show. A second later she turned her gaze to me. “How deep does your friendship go?”

“We’re just friends, if that’s what you are asking.”

“What would you be willing to give me if I did more for her than be nice and apologize?”

“You are going to have to name a few specifics, both what she’ll get and what you want from me.”

She did so. When she finished, it was my turn to be silent for a while. It would greatly help Rarity’s image… But was it worth it? I debated that in my mind for a little while. Well, what the hell. I’ve done worse for less.

“Deal,” I told her. I held out a hand, and after a moment of hesitation, she held out a hoof. We shook. “Now, I fear I have to return to my seat. If you require anything, the little mare outside is named Berry. She’ll be happy to help.”

“Thank you, Nav.” I nodded and quietly left. I spooked Berry a bit when I opened the door. Her face quickly turned red.

I pulled out two coins and put them on a little table next to the door to the balcony. “For your… discretion,” I commented. She tenderly reached a hoof out. Before she could blink, there was a knife between the two coins, right in front of her hoof. “For your silence,” I whispered, holding my finger to her lips. Her eyes went as wide as saucers and her mouth would have been wide open if I hadn’t made sure it was shut. “Do we have an understanding?” I asked, removing my finger from her lips and brushing her low-hanging bangs from her eyes. She nodded, too afraid to trust her voice.

I pried the knife out and worked my way down the hall to where Rarity and the other stuffy rich folk were still watching the show with all appearances of absolute boredom. I slipped the ring on as I made my way back to sit beside Rarity. I leaned over and said in a voice for her ears only, “You owe me for this.” She waved her hoof back dismissively. I knew she got the message.

The show was due to go on for a little while, so I settled in to either enjoy it or ignore it, whichever came first. As it turned out, it was pretty good. Something about the founding of Equestria or something. They got it factually wrong, but it was still decent enough.

We all left the opera together, Luna, Rarity’s little group, and I. The workers there were relatively happy to see Luna gone, though they hid it well. It isn’t that they were afraid of Nightmare Moon, but more that they were completely unsure of how to handle her or if she was any different from Celestia. Still, I know they were pleased to have had her there.

When we got outside of the opera house, Luna came straight over to Rarity and the rich ponies around her. “Thank you for inviting me, Rarity,” Luna told her, making sure to be heard by everyone in the little group. “Sometimes I forget the simple pleasure of song.”

It took Rarity less than a second to recover. “It was my pleasure, Princess,” she answered, bowing slightly. The others followed suit. “You are welcome to join us for the rest of the day, if you are available…” A few others with Rarity offered their invitations as well. Fucking toadies, the lot of them.

Luna took a moment to pretend to consider. “Normally I am abed at this hour, but… I rarely get to spend time with friends. If I truly wouldn’t be a bother, I will tag along.” The toadies were quick to assure her that she would be very welcome.

So instead of Rarity getting to show off a knight, she got to show off a princess. And a knight, but with the princess there, few of them took much notice of me.

There were a few rich and very snooty people with Rarity, but there were one or two good ones. A fellow that really stuck in my mind was the hilariously named Fancy Pants. No, I’m not joking. To be fair, though, there was a guy in Ponyville named Filthy Rich.

Anyway, Fancy Pants was among the first to talk to me after the opera. “Sir Navarone, you’re here to join us today as well? Rarity, you do surround yourself with the elite!”

She looked up from her conversation with a few random, less important ponies to answer. “Sir Navarone? Yes, I know him from my hometown. He was kind enough to ask me to join him on some of today’s events!” I grimaced slightly and wished for a moment that I was wearing my helmet.

“I see,” he answered. “So, Sir Navarone, what brings you back to Canterlot? Last I heard, you were working out of Ponyville.”

I answered, “So there are some ponies keeping tabs on me. I suppose my fame is growing. Yes, I do live there. But perhaps you remember the dragon last night?” He nodded, shivering slightly. “He is an old friend of the princesses, but they had not spoken in a while. I found him in the Everfree forest—” That got everyone’s attention. “—and he asked me to come with him to visit them, in case he was not recognized. I suppose we caused a bit of a panic,” I finished with a light smile.

“Everfree forest?” he asked with awe. “Whatever were you doing in that horrid place?”

“Princess Luna asked me to explore it.” I shrugged. “There’s only so much of it you can see by flying over it, so I had to do it by foot.”

“And have you found anything worth the effort?” a redshirt asked.

“Yes. But you’d have to ask the princesses for more details; I have been told not to discuss my findings.” That set off tickers in a lot of minds. There was something worth finding in the Everfree Forest that the princesses don’t want anyone to know about.

After that, I was left alone, for the most part. The luncheon progressed nicely—though Rarity glared at me until I ate something—and within an hour or so, we found ourselves at the garden party. It was on the grounds of the palace, thankfully.

The rest of the day had been mostly small events, with a few people involved and all in relatively tight groups. There had been little chance for any of them to approach me, and less desire for them to do so with Luna and Rarity there. This party was a lot larger, with several rich ponies around. Luna got swarmed, and as soon as she mentioned she was there with Rarity, the swarm surrounded her as well. I was cut off from them both, thankfully. Rarity seemed to belong with those annoying people, and she was kind enough to pull as many of them as she could away from me.

However, with Rarity and Luna completely surrounded, that left little in the way of interesting people to talk to. That didn’t bother me so much, given that I could zone out for hours at a time, but it did matter to others. There was still Fancy Pants, but he was a common visitor to events like this. Given that, a few ponies started gravitating toward the only other thing of interest they saw at that party: Me.

I heard a mare behind me say, “So Sir Navarone, I’ve heard many tales about you.” I turned to face her and froze: It was Fleur. I gulped, worried that she might easily recognize my voice. She continued, “Is it true that you single-hoovedly led a rampaging army across Egypt?” I’m a fucking royal knight. What’s she going to do to me even if she does recognize my voice?

“No one pony leads an army, dear,” Fancy Pants answered, walking up. “I see you’ve met my wife, Fleur-de-Lis. I’ve heard tales of that feat as well, and always wondered the truth of them.” His wife? Interesting. Wonder if he knows she’s a whore. For a pony, she was probably beautiful. She didn’t have many other redeeming qualities. Trophy wife, I suppose.

“I was Celestia’s voice, I suppose,” I answered. “And I did my share of the leg work and planning to keep the army moving. But I wasn’t the actual leader of the group. That honor went to a cat named Jocasta.” They asked me a bit more about it. I’ve referenced that dirty event enough, I think, and if you really want to know more, look in a damn history book.

Then they got to asking me a bit more about the Everfree forest. “I’ve heard there are all manner of undiscovered fruits in that place. Have you considered bringing any out for study?” Fancy Pants asked.

“I have been, actually,” I answered. “I watch a fruit tree long enough to see animals eating the fruit, to make sure it is all edible. When I see that, I grab a few and make sure to grab some seeds as well. Some of them I give to a farmer friend and some of them I bring to a scientist friend. I don’t know how well the seeds will take to the ground, but if they do well, you can probably start expecting more Everfree fruit in the coming years.”

“Ah, the Apple family I presume?” I nodded. “We do so love their Zap Apple Jam…” Zap Apples are some strange brand of apples that came out of the forest and were grown at Applejack’s farm. Once a year or so, they magically sprout and grow the most magnificent apples you could ever see or taste. Every other time of the year, the trees are completely barren. “Though I suppose it will be some time before they start making products with the fruits.”

“I don’t know anything about farming,” I answered with a shrug.

“What else have you found in there, that you are allowed to talk about?” Fancy Pants asked.

“A few ruins. The dragon. A zebra hermit. All manner of nasty critters. I don’t suggest using that place as a vacation spot.”

They smiled at that. Before they could ask anything else, though, we were interrupted. “So where do you come from, human?” Blueblood asked, striding up. He looked… well, he wouldn’t be winning any more beauty contests, that’s for sure. The poison sure did a number on him. His face looked ravaged by time, and his mane was mostly gone. His eyes were bloodshot and had lost much of their color. His entire coat looked ragged. He was glaring at me with a fierceness I hadn’t been subjected to in a while, a sneer on his face. I saw that his teeth were rotting, as well. The only thing about him that was similar was his voice, which was an eerie contrast to his ruined body.

“Another dimension, I suppose.” I shrugged. “I’ve never really thought about it in relation to Equestria.”

“And is everypony there as bad a guard as you?”

“Hey, I got as much of that poison as you did! It’s not my fault you suck at living.” Oh, that pissed him off big time. It also won me a hidden smile from Fancy Pants; Blueblood was never well liked by most of the ponies that actually knew him, and I garnered that his recent behaviors had made him even less popular.

“Do you know what I do to bad guards, human?” he asked with a very dangerous gleam in his eyes.

“I suppose you yell at the royal guards. Maybe order them strapped or something.”

“Or something,” he mocked. “I challenge them. If they can beat me, they do not receive any punishment. If they can’t… Well, their punishment varies based on their actions.”

“Then I suppose it’s a good thing I’m not a guard and that you have absolutely no authority over me.”

“You were assigned to guard me. I do believe that makes you a guard. And as to having authority? I am a prince. You are less than a commoner, not even the equal of a pony.”

I saw Luna turn her gaze and ears over to us at that point. I knew this was about to get interesting. “Frankly, Blueblood, I don’t give a damn what you think or what you think you are entitled to. Nor do I really care what you have to say. How about you head on back to bed? You look like you need some rest.”

What it looked like he needed was a chill pill. Or an unhealthy dose of euthanasia. With every word I said, his rage grew and grew. I think it was only the fact that he was in a public place that stopped him from attacking me offhand. “I challenge you, human,” he growled.

“Uh huh. Fancy Pants, what are the rules of an Equestrian duel?”

“The pony that is challenged picks the time and the place. Killing is discouraged, but allowed. The duel ends when either party is unable to continue fighting or either party admits defeat.”

“Weapons?” I asked.

He looked confused for a second. “There are no official rules against them, but they also aren’t specifically allowed. Maybe Princess Luna could fill us in?” She had been listening with more and more interest, and finally stepped up when called upon.

“Weapons are allowed,” she said. “It is an old rule, back when races with hands were more common in cities. Most races didn’t have as many natural weapons or strength as ponies, so it was decided weapons should be allowed.” I checked my crossbow.

“Of course,” Fancy Pants continued, “there hasn’t been a real duel in Equestria in… centuries, I suppose. There are a few games every year, but those are always for fun. To actually have a duel…” he smiled. “This day will be talked about in a while, I believe.” Blueblood was still giving me the most hate-filled looks you could imagine.

“So, I can set the time and place?” I asked. Luna put on a small smile, and nodded. I think she knew what was coming. I hoisted my crossbow a bit. “Blueblood, I accept your duel. I set the place to here and the time to… Now.” He had half a second to look surprised before a bolt dug deep into his neck. He dropped and began flopping on the ground.

“So that means I win, right?” The only ponies not completely panicking were Luna and Fancy Pants. Luna bent down to make sure Blueblood didn’t die.

Fancy Pants was doing his best to not burst out laughing. When he finally got control of himself, he answered, “Yes, Navarone, I think you won. Now don’t get me wrong: What you did was wrong and had absolutely no honor in it, but you definitely won.”

“Honor?” I asked, confused. “Why the hell would anyone fight with honor? If I’m in a fight, I’m in it to win, not to make my opponent feel okay about losing.”

“That is… an interesting way of looking at it, I suppose,” he answered. “But you won’t find too many ponies willing to fight against you if you keep that attitude.”

“Good. Only an idiot seeks fights out. I fight when I know I will win or when I know I have no choice. To do anything else is suicidal.”

He nodded slowly. “You definitely have a refreshing viewpoint, human. There are many that would call you a coward.”

“I’d rather be a live coward than a dead hero. Especially if either way I’m the victor.”

He gave a dark smile at that. “Yes, I can understand that. Tell me, how long will you be in Canterlot? Sometimes I grow weary of… this,” he said, waving his hoof around the party that was just beginning to stop panicking. “It would be nice to have somepony to talk to that isn’t just doting on me. Somepony that actually treats me as an equal.”

“I’m probably leaving tomorrow morning, actually. And I have a relatively busy day and night ahead of me, after this.”

“I understand,” he said. “When the princess calls, we obey.” He looked around again, sighing. “I suppose I’ll have to help fix this mess. Blueblood isn’t well liked, but he is a pony and he was just almost killed by something not a pony. I don’t think many here realized it was a duel that he challenged you to.”

“Hm… I didn’t think that this might add more fear against me.” I looked down to Blueblood, mostly recovered but still on the ground. “But I think it was worth it.” We shared another smile before he went off to calm the party.

He wasn’t gone half a minute before Blueblood got up and stormed off without a word. I grabbed the bolt that Luna had pulled out and reloaded my crossbow. “Well?” I asked her.

She just shook her head with a smile and went to help Fancy Pants. I sought out Rarity.

It didn’t take me that long to find her: She was also helping calm the ponies down. When they all saw me, the ponies she was trying to comfort bolted. She sighed and turned to me. “Well, Navarone? What do you have to say for yourself?”

I shrugged. “He wanted a duel.” I gave off a little chuckle, and continued in a flat voice, “I won.”

“Blueblood was stupid enough to…” She sighed again, shaking her head slightly. “This party is over. Head back to my room. I’ll be there soon enough.”

“You got it.” I slipped the ring off and jumped into the air. Probably not the best move to remind the people that thought I just murdered someone that I could fly, but I also didn’t really care. It was also probably not the best move to take my ring off when I just almost murdered Celestia’s nephew; I don’t imagine she would be too happy about that.

I made it to Rarity’s apartments with no problems, and put the ring back on with a sigh of relief. I got in using my key and sat back to wait. Opalescence rubbed herself against my leg and we played for a bit; as long as I was the only one around her, she was pretty alright. She was also one of the few animals smart enough to know I exist, which might have been why she was okay with me.

As soon as Rarity got back, though, Opal immediately hissed at me and buggered right off. Rarity didn’t spare the cat a glance, though. I barely had time to stand up before I was forced right back down by a tackle that soon resolved into a hug. I can’t imagine that was comfortable for her against my armor. “You’re the best friend ever!” she laughed.

“Yeah, I’m pretty great,” I said. “Now, I don’t suppose you could get off me?”

She noticed what position she was in. “Oh! Yes, I suppose I could do that.” She picked herself off of my lap and stood back up. “When you said you took care of Luna for me, I didn’t expect you meant that! What did you say to her?”

“We made a deal.”

“What did she want from you? I thought you did just about anything they asked of you.”

“It’s not important, Rarity. So your image wasn’t ruined by having your ‘date’ almost kill Blueblood?”

“Absolutely not! That was the best thing that happened for me all day! To have a date so loyal to challenge the most renowned fighter in all of Equestria for my honor! And then to win that duel, in my name… If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were expecting some kind of reward from me.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at what she said. “That’s what they told you the duel was about?” She nodded, looking confused. I continued, “I see no reason to deny it to any of your friends over there, but what really happened is that Blueblood was being a dick and I put him in his place. He didn’t like that, so he challenged me. I suppose Luna made the other story up to make you look better.”

She was silent for a moment, and then gave an even bigger smile and jumped on me once again. “Now I really owe you for getting Luna on my side! Whatever she demanded in return, it couldn’t have been enough!” Now that is an opinion.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you care so much about your image here. The only one of those rich people worth talking to is Fancy Pants. And his wife is the reason we ended up in jail those few years ago. Also, can you get off me?”

She jumped back down. “She is the reason we were arrested and your career as a model was ended prematurely?”

“Yep. We were visiting one of their country houses or something, and she tried to seduce me. I took it about as well as someone who isn’t at all attracted to ponies would. She was not amused and fabricated some charges.”

“Hm. I wonder why she would… Oh! She’s probably jealous of me.” At my look, she continued, “Of everypony here in Canterlot, I’m one of the few Fancy Pants actually enjoys talking to or being around. She might have assumed there was something else going on between us. To that end, she wanted some manner of revenge, and thought we were a couple and could get back at me by seducing you.” Or she was mad that someone else didn’t want to sleep with her.

“Well, I guess that makes sense. Didn’t work out very well for her, though. We got arrested and got out with no problem. And you’re free to continue sleeping with her husband.” She gave me a bit of a dirty look for that. I pretended like I was thinking about something for a second. “Maybe I should have slept with her. I suppose it would have been fair. Though I don’t know how she looks.”

“Hmph. I have not slept with Fancy Pants, nor would I. As to you bedding his wife? I don’t suggest it. I don’t think she thinks with her brain that often. She might be stupid enough to eventually think you love her.”

“Yes, that would be inconvenient. I’ve dealt with enough of that shit with you ponies; I don’t need another one to add to the list.”

“That’s just because we’re all more open-minded than you are. If you got over your distaste for the idea of loving a pony, you wouldn’t be complaining so much. From what I’ve heard, you don’t seem to have that problem with cats or dragons.”

“I got used to the cat when I didn’t have any choice in the matter for half a month. The dragon… Well, Celestia did tell me to enjoy myself at that party.” And God, Kumani could do some things with that long tongue of hers… I realized I was smiling slightly, and tried to wipe it off my face. “Everything after that is a bit of a blur, with all the spells I had over me. The only reason I remember some of that week is because I wrote it down while it was happening, in my spare time.”

“Well, if you ask me—” she was interrupted by a knock at the door. She gave me a look that promised this wasn’t over, and opened it with magic. In walked Princess Celestia. Here we go.

She didn’t look overly pleased. “Navarone, come with me.” Not even a word to Rarity. I got up and went with her, Rarity watching me go with a mixture of fear for my fate and respect for Celestia.

When I got outside Rarity’s rooms, I found Celestia was alone.Well, it isn’t like she needs guards to subdue me, if it came down to it. I’m not stupid enough to attack her anyway. She pulled Rarity’s door shut and led me away, not saying a word. I followed. After a second of thought, I casually slipped my ring off. If she noticed, she didn’t mention it.

I don’t know how long we walked. She never said a word to me, but she did talk a bit to a few other ponies we passed.

Eventually we got to the throne room. Celestia walked right up to the dais and took her spot. After a moment’s consideration, I stood a bit in front of her, to her side. We still didn’t have any guards with us, and I figured I might as well pretend to be here for a reason that wasn’t punishment.

We were there for a few hours, while a steady stream of courtiers and messengers came in to deliver something or discuss some issue. I gotta say, if that’s what Celestia does all day, I’m glad I’m not in that position. As soon as I realized I was there for the long haul, I zoned right the fuck out. I paid just enough attention to make sure no one threatening entered.

A few of the people that stopped by were there at the party. As soon as they saw me standing by her side, they quickly decided to head somewhere else.

We were like that until around the time the sun was setting, when Celestia stood and set off again. I followed her without a word. She led us to what I suppose was the royal dining hall or something. Luna was already there eating breakfast. She looked up when we came in, and raised an eyebrow when she saw me.

“Navarone? I wasn’t expecting to see you so early.” She yawned, reminding me that she didn’t get much in the way of sleep last night. Or during the day, I suppose.

“Well, Celestia told me to follow her, so I have been. She hasn’t said a word to me since, so I suppose unless you feel like telling me to follow you instead, I’ll just follow her right to bed.”

Luna’s guards stiffened at that, either at what they thought I implied or at the thought that they might be forced to deal with me. Luna looked thoughtful for a second and was about to reply, but Celestia finally decided to break her silence. “You seem to insist upon making my life hard, so I decided to make your life boring. It seemed only fair.” She sat down to eat.

Luna spoke up, “Well Nav, which would you prefer: A dangerous life or a boring life?”

“If I’m going to end up living in the palace, from the looks of things it’ll be both. Challenged to a duel by a royal twat and then punished for winning. It’s hard, being a human in a pony’s world.”

“Well, we’ve offered to fix that for you,” Luna commented, sipping at some manner of juice. “It’s hardly our fault if you choose to be difficult.”

“I don’t remember either of you offering to turn all the ponies to humans. I guess I took a few too many knocks to the head while serving you.”

“Well that was pretty obvious,” Celestia murmured. Louder she continued, “I suppose you might as well follow Luna for the rest of the night, Nav, unless you are really that interested in watching me sleep. And if you are, you can definitely follow Luna instead.”

“I suppose I can do that,” I answered.

“Now sit. No reason for you to watch us eat. And you two are also welcome to whatever you please,” she said to me and the two guards with Luna.

I pulled out a chair—seriously, why the fuck do ponies even have those?—and sat. The guards shared a look with each other before moving to either side of Luna. They sat, staring at the food but not daring to actually eat. I rolled my eyes and threw an apple at one. He caught it with his mouth before he even realized what he was doing. It went a bit easier from there.

A few minutes into it, the one I didn’t throw anything at asked me, “What of you, human? Aren’t you going to eat?”

I shrugged. “I ate last night. I’m still fine for now.”

“Last night?” the other guard asked. “How are you not famished?”

“I’m part tree.” The princesses smiled at that description. “It has given me all manner of interesting skills. I barely feel physical contact, I never sleep in spring or summer, and I almost never need to eat.” I paused for a moment, as if thinking about something before continuing, “Oh, and I’ll probably live for thousands of years. You know, the typical tree things.”

I think that if the princesses weren’t there, the guards would have commented on some of those. As it was, they remained silent and Luna took up the slack, “At least eat something, Nav. It’s eerie, seeing you just staring into space. Besides, Rarity mentioned your… condition.”

Dammit, Rarity. “For all you know, this is typical human eating behavior.” She gave me one of those looks for that. “Fine. But only because you asked so nicely.” I pulled a knife out of somewhere and stabbed an apple with it. I raised it to my mouth for a second, lowered it, mouthed, Have I killed someone with this?, shrugged, and took a bite.

Luna rolled her eyes at my display. “Stop showing off, Nav.” I looked up briefly before continuing eating. She just sniffed. Celestia shook her head, wearing a small smile.

After a second, Celestia looked up. “Do you like bananas?” she asked, pointing to a bushel of them. “We don’t get them here often.”

I looked at them. “I haven’t had a banana in… a while.” I grabbed one and peeled it. I saw one of the guards smiling lightly as I took a bite. I flipped him off and continued eating. I knew he didn’t know what that meant, but it made me feel better.

It was a pretty nice meal, all things considered. And it was a nice prelude to a long, long night.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

When Celestia went to bed, Luna left momentarily to arrange the moon and the stars. That didn’t take long, for better or for worse.

Since I was less specific as to what the deal was earlier, here it is: I was Luna’s toy for the night. I would do whatever she told me to do. In return, she was Rarity’s friend for the day, and would be any time Rarity requested her and Luna didn’t have something important to do.

Thankfully for me, Luna was still a princess and still had princess duties to do. I stood guard on her while she did all that mess for a little while. Finally, she called me up. “Oooh, looking at you frustrates me, Nav! Curse this administrative work!” She pulled a key out of… somewhere, and passed it to me. “Go wait in my chambers. If any guards give you trouble, show them the key.”

“Yes… mistress.” She gave me a seductive smile when I said that. Here we go…

I got lost on the way to her quarters because apparently I’m fucktarded, but found the way easily enough after a moment of thought. There weren’t any guards outside her room this time for some reason, but I wasn’t about to question it. I opened her door and walked on in.

And immediately stopped. Oh fuck. Where the hell does a pony get a full set of bondage gear? Why the hell would a pony even ne—Oh boy.

Rarity, you bitch, you really owe me now. I closed the doors behind me and walked on in. I looked over the selection of toys. Let’s see… Riding crop. Table with plenty of straps. A few ball gags. I don’t even know what that is. Strap-on. Paddle. Leash and co—STRAP-ON!

Oh fuck no! I turned around and ripped the door open, only to bump into Luna. A very happy looking Luna. I started backing into the room, trying to get away from her. I stopped when I bumped into the table.

She continued into the room, using her magic to close the door behind her. “I see you found my new toys,” she said, ignoring the expression on my face. “Don’t worry. They’re not for you.” I visibly slumped. Wait, if they’re not for me… I looked up again to see her smiling even wider. “They’re for me!”

“Wait, what?”

She used her magic to gently lift me out of the way and walked over to the table. “Being a princess is hard work, Nav,” she answered, not looking at me. “And everypony always bows and scrapes. You’re always in charge, always responsible…” She turned her gaze to me. “Tonight, I won’t be. Tonight, you get to be in charge of me!”

“Oh. Huh.” Not what I was expecting.

She frowned a little. “You don’t like that?” she asked, confused. “I thought you always wanted more control in your… relations.”

“I’m not going to lie, Luna: I have been raped. A lot. It’s getting old. But this… I’ve never really been the dominating type.” I saw her expression drop even more. I sighed. “But for you, Luna, I’ll do it. And I’ll do my best at it.”

The look on her face was almost enough to make me happy I was about to do something uncomfortable. She used magic to scoot all of that stuff off the table and gently lied down. I noticed then how large the table was.

“Pardon me if I’m a little… unused to this, Nav,” she said when she was on her stomach, legs splayed. “All I have to go on are the few times I’ve seen you… Well, you know.” The thing is, she actually had never seen me with Kat, back when it was really bad.

Well, if I’m going to do this… “Flip over, Luna,” I ordered. She did so, to lie on her back. I went to lock the door. “If a guard walks in on us… Well, explaining that is something even I wouldn’t want to try to do.” I walked back over to the table. Hm… “Stretch your legs out.” She did so. I started strapping them down. “You know, in my world, a pony couldn’t even stretch her legs like this,” I said while working. “They’d break in a heartbeat.”

“You don’t sa—mmf!” I slipped in the ball gag and kept going. When I was finished, her wings were strapped in, her tail was strapped in, her legs were strapped in… Hm.

I unstrapped her tail and looked at her. “Luna, if I go too far, swish your tail.” She looked at me, confused. “Look, Kat didn’t give me the option of a safe word. I had to take it from her, and that terrified me. I’m not going to do that to you.” I gently stroked her stomach. “So if you start to think I’m going too far, you swish your tail and I’ll stop.” She nodded.

Suddenly an idea struck me. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my ring. She saw it and opened her eyes wide and started shaking her head frantically. I pulled out the riding crop and struck her lightly on her flank. She stopped. I slipped it on her horn and watched her tail. Nothing. Well, this night just got a lot more interesting.

Now, I’m an honest kind of guy. I had no idea what I was doing. Truth be told, after so long of being forced around, I kinda got to like being on the bottom and being submissive. Taking control felt… wrong.

But, I thought, looking at the toys she so thoughtfully provided, I’m sure I can think of something.

I started on her wings, gently caressing them. She immediately started moaning lightly. Maybe they’re more sensitive than mine… I kept going.

I brought my fingers in hard enough to start feeling little lumps. She shivered whenever I got near a certain one. Oh ho. I gently fingered it. She moaned. I pressed down on it. She began to shudder. I mashed it in.

Her entire body strained against the straps as she moaned loud enough to get through the gag. I looked at her face and saw her eyes raised to the back of her head. A gentle stream of drool worked its way down from her ball gag. Huh. Why don’t I have something like that on mine?

I looked down to see how excited she was. Her marehood was sopping wet.

I stopped caressing her wing and turned my attentions there. I waited until she stopped straining so hard before gently stroking her lips with my fingers. She was still taking quick, short breaths from whatever I had done to her wings. When I began to touch her, the moans picked up again.

Suddenly a very errant thought struck me: I’m sexually dominating a horse. Never thought my life would take me there. At least it’s a mare.

It’s amazing what you think of at times like that.

I slipped a finger inside her pussy. I knew where her hotspots were, after all my unwanted experience with mares in the past. I pushed a finger to a large one and began rubbing it. When I felt her start to clench around me, I withdrew my finger.

I heard her groan behind the ballgag and her tail swished. I walked up to her head and pulled the gag up. “Stop teasing me, Nav!”

“Is this about me teasing you or me going too far?” I asked.

“Teasing me, of co—mph mmf!” I dropped the gag back into place.

“You gave me control over this, Luna,” I said, caressing the other wing. “And you gave me all these fun little toys… Well, I think it would be a shame to let you cum without playing with some of them first. Now, unless I start hurting you, please don’t stop me.”

In my gentle caressing, I found the same node I had used on the other wing. I pressed down on it and she had a repeat performance, but this time I’m positive she fully came: She began to gush out.

“Now Luna,” I said, “Look at this mess you’ve made! I should make you clean it up…” She was too busy riding her orgasm to give me a look, so I just made my way over to the pile of toys. “Let’s see,” I mused aloud, “where are the clamps…” I heard her moan in response. “Ah, here we go!”

I picked a set of clamps that looked to be just the right size. I walked back over to Luna. “Now, if this starts to hurt, by all means let me know.” I started to tighten them over the nodes on her wings. I saw her eyes widen in surprise and her tail swished. “But,” I warned, “if all it does is make you feel too good, you can deal with it because I’m not removing them.” Her tail stopped and she put her head back down, eyes closed. “Good girl. Hm… It’s a shame you’re the princess… I would love to use some fun little humiliation techniques Kat forced me to learn.” I shuddered, but I knew she couldn’t see. “Just imagine all the night guards watching their beautiful lady getting ridden by the evil human, ball gag in her mouth, plug forced deep inside her, riding crop occasionally hitting that pretty little flank…”

She was getting more and more aroused with each word. I reached over and picked up a dildo from her pile. “Oh, you like that idea? Hmm… I wonder what your sister would say when she saw us like that. She might decide to punish you herself. Maybe use that long horn of hers to give you just what you deserve…” Without another word, I shoved the toy inside of her. She strained against the bindings again, arching her back slightly.

Her tail didn’t move.

“Ah, it seems my lady of the evening likes that! Let’s see how much she cares for this!” I began toying with her clit, leaving the toy inside. She began straining even harder. “Oh, my pretty pony, if you could only see the mess you’re making down here. I dare say your maid will have quite a fit when she sees it. I wonder if you’ll let her toy with you like this to make up for it.” I gave her clit a sharper twist and heard her squeal as she came again.

“You do have a dirty mind, Luna,” I said, patting her flank amiably. “I wonder how far you’re willing to let me take this.”

After a moment, she looked up at me with those pretty cyan eyes. She slowly nodded. She didn’t know what I had in mind, and had probably never even considered it.

“Now, I have no idea if this will work or not, so if I start going too fast or you aren’t getting anything out of it, by all means let me know. But I will have to start slow or I might actually hurt you. This is a human thing, so it might not even do anything but hurt. You trust me, I know, so let me try it.”

She didn’t respond. I slowly pulled the dildo out, teasing her clit gently while doing so. A lot of juices followed the toy out. I looked down, past her marehood. I’m not going to use my fingers on that. I picked up the riding crop and got it nice and wet with her plentiful juices. She moaned deliciously. “Oh come on, I haven’t even gotten started yet!” Didn’t stop her moans.

When I deemed it slick enough, I lowered it down to her ass. “This is where it starts to get strange,” I said aloud, and gently pushed it in. She flinched, but her tail didn’t move. “Now, here is where my expertise starts to drift,” I commented as I pushed the crop in. “I don’t have too much experience with this, so forgive me if I do something incorrect.”

The riding crop sank in a bit further before I began to twirl it slightly, trying to loosen her hole up a bit. I moved my other hand up to her clit and began teasing it a bit more. She knew what I was doing was odd, I know she could feel it.

Soon, I decided she was loose enough for something different. Leaving the riding crop in, I checked the pile of toys again. Is that… Is that a fucking lash? I picked it up and looked at Luna. What the fuck is wrong with her?

I whipped it and cracked it down, causing her to flinch. “Luna, I don’t know why the fuck you have this. But I think I can put it to a use.” Its handle was thicker than the riding crop.

I gently slid the crop out while still toying with her clit. I rubbed the handle of the lash in her juices again and slowly slid it in her ass. It went in easily enough.

“Relax, Luna,” I said. “Any of this starts hurting and you just swish your pretty little tail. Unless… You want it to hurt, I guess.” I looked at her. She was blushing, though I don’t know if that was because of my continuing teasing or if she actually did want it to hurt. I mean, she did give me a lash to use.

I started twirling the handle around, as I had with the crop.

With another low moan, she came again—probably from my treatment of her clit more than anything else. “You’re going to need quite a bit of water, with the mess you’re making down here,” I remarked, still toying with her.

It didn’t take long for her to relax enough that I felt comfortable with the real toys. I left the handle alone for a moment and reached down to pick up the dildo again. I gently pushed it all the way into her pussy, still rubbing her clit. She moaned weakly in response, more drool dripping from the gag.

“Aww, does the princess like having all of her holes stuffed?” I asked with a smile. “I’m sure your followers would love to know that you can please three of them at once!” I slowly pulled the dildo out and yanked the lash out. Turning serious, I said, “This is where it might start to hurt. I’ll go slow. Remember your tail.”

I put the tip of the dildo so that it was gently prodding her hole. With a gentle push, I popped it inside. I felt her body clench and I stopped pushing. I put one of my hands back on her pussy. “Just relax, Luna,” I said, gently rubbing her again. “This will be much easier if you just relax.”

I felt the tension slowly leave her body. I started pushing it in a bit more. She squirmed slightly as it entered her. When she had taken a third of the overly large toy in, I stopped. “Doing okay?” I asked her. She weakly nodded. I gently started pushing again.

She was breathing deeply, and a few moans were still escaping the gag from my hand on her clit. I stopped again when the thing was most of the way in. “Still okay, Luna?” I asked. She nodded, not even looking up.

Since she was currently stuffed and had plenty of her own fun, I decided now might as well be the time I got to enjoy myself. I only had one pair of pants at the moment, so I made sure to back away from the table before dropping them and kicking them aside. After all I had done with her, I was definitely fully erect and ready for some fun. I approached her table with a smile.

She had her eyes closed, breathing deeply, so she didn’t notice any of what I was doing. Her eyes jerked open when I hilted her and she strained at the bonds again, moaning deliciously under the gag.

Since Luna was larger than your average pony, she wasn’t as tight at first, but one thing I’ve found is that mares have some amazing control down there. As soon as she looked down and saw that it was actually me inside of her, she clamped down with her muscles, slowing me down mid-thrust. My eyes slammed open at the sudden tightness and it felt like I almost broke my dick trying to force it in, but thankfully, she was wet enough that I just slowly slid through.

But it was enough of a wakeup call that I pulled out. “Naughty girl,” I said, walking over to the pile of toys and grabbing the crop. It felt nasty, but I was going to have to take several showers after that anyway. “Trying to hurt me like that.” I gave her a nice switch on the ass, making her gasp. “Tight, but not painful,” I instructed as I lined myself back up and reentered her warm depths.

She took a slow breath and I felt her walls tightening around me, something that’s really freaky. God, what the hell is wrong with horses? Sure, it feels good, but it’s just so weird! Anyway, when she felt ideal, I gently tapped her with the crop. “That’s enough.” Her ears flinched back and she stopped.

One hand held the riding crop and occasionally switched her while the other reached down under her to gently tweak the toy in her hershey highway while I just started fucking her in earnest. I was in an awkward position and somewhat regretting telling her to flip over onto her back, but being able to see her cute face as I stimulated both of her holes at once made up for it.

Her breath quickly began to pick up, since she was so sensitive after multiple orgasms. It didn’t take her very long at all to break again, her maregina going into overdrive and squeezing me just right. Since she’d had her fun and I was getting bored, I decided to stop fighting it and cum, hilting so I could force my seed deep inside of her. The massive blush she got on her face when she felt my cum coating her pink walls made it worth it.

I pulled out with a pop and let some of the fluids drip before dropping the crop and walking around the table. She was heavily panting, so I did her a favor and removed the ball gag. She took a deep breath from her mouth which I probably ruined by thrusting my softening dick inside. “Clean,” I commanded.

I don’t know how she managed a cross-eyed look of indignation at the intruder in her mouth, but she definitely did. In response, I grabbed a handful of her glowing mane and gently jerked it. She began licking me clean, getting a large taste of our combined fluids and making me sigh in pleasure at her relatively unskilled tongue.

When I decided it was clean enough, I let her hair go and pulled out. “Good girl,” I said, patting her gently on the head.

“That was certainly… interesting,” she slowly said, her voice breathy and tired. “I might need some time before we go on to part two…”

“Part two?” I asked, moving back to her lower half. “I thought I was in charge this night.” I touched the toy still inside of her and she closed her eyes, biting her lower lip. I put my hand back on her clit. “If you’ll tell me what you had in mind, though…” I started rubbing her again as I gently pulled the dildo out. When it was fully out, I continued, “I might be willing to accommodate you.” I threw it away from the other toys.

She smiled wickedly and pointed with her horn to her bookshelf. “Top row, in the little bag.”

I walked over to it and grabbed the bag. I heard her adjusting behind me. “What’s this?” I asked, opening the bag. Stones?

The blood drained from my face. She had my gender changing stones.

Without turning, I said, “I think I’ll have to pass on this, Luna.”

I heard a voice much deeper than Luna’s reply, “I’m afraid that isn’t an option, Navarone.”

I whirled around to see a giant pony standing and slinging its head, sending something careening off into the wall. Oh my God. It looked slightly like Luna, but a hell of a lot more evil. Where Luna was a dark blue, this mare was completely black. And Luna’s eyes definitely do not have cat irises. This pony was larger than she was, probably larger than Celestia. Her horn was longer. And was that… was that a helmet? This entire pony seemed to have a malevolent feeling pulsing off of it.

I backed away in fear. “Where’s Luna?” I weakly asked when my back hit the book case.

She smiled. “Don’t you recognize me, Nav?” she asked. “I am Luna. Or perhaps Luna is me. I am Nightmare Moon. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?”

I bolted to the door but didn’t make a step before I wasn’t moving anymore.

“Oh come now, Nav!” she mocked. “Surely you remember your agreement. You’ll do anything I say this night. You are my toy.” She used her magic to bring me closer. “And you got to play with me. Now I get to play with you. Be a good sport, would you?” She set me down.

“I didn’t make any agreements with Nightmare Moon,” I said. “I made my agreement with Luna.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know better than that, Nav.”

Fucking fuck. I hate being a man of my word. Or perhaps it’s a soon-to-be-woman of my word. I started pulling my shirt off.

“That’s the spirit!” the mare in front of me said. “Now, hold up that bag.”

“Luna… Are you sure about this?”

She smiled wickedly. “You promised me, Nav,” she said. “And you always keep your promises.”

I dropped the last bit of my clothes and held up the bag. “Where did you even get these? I thought I had them hidden!”

“You hid them at night,” she answered. “I was watching. Where do you think I went yesterday while you were guarding Celestia?” She used her magic to pull the two stones out of the bag.

“If you turn me into a chick and you use any of those toys on me, you will split me open,” I warned. After all, my female body would be a virgin. Probably.

Her wicked smile turned soft. “You were gentle with me, my first time,” she whispered as she floated the pink stone over to me. “I’ll be gentle with you.” The wickedness returned as the stone touched me. “Relatively gentle, at least…” I flinched as the stone touched me and I transformed. Why did I take these fucking stones from that cavern?

I opened my mouth to respond when her horn lit up brighter. I fell forward as my center of weight shifted and I turned into a pony—a mare.

I shuddered at the feeling. Nothing like being a stallion! I felt so much smaller than I had been as a stallion. And Luna… Oh God!

She changed shapes when the blue stone hit her. She was now a large stallion. A large, evil looking stallion with the tip of her cock gently protruding from its cover.

I saw that and swallowed, trying to back up until I hit the book case again. I am not in my comfort zone anymore. “Luna,” I whispered, my voice choked with fear, “I’m really, really not comfortable with this…” I felt my tail begin to curl underneath me, covering my… my marehood. I gulped again, unable to tear my eyes away from the slowly extending dick under her.

“Navarone,” she cooed, her voice much deeper, “I trusted you.” She began to walk forward slowly. “Do you not trust me?” She stopped when she was right in front of me and gently raised a hoof forward. I flinched back, squeezing my eyes shut. I heard her move back a pace. “Please, Nav!” she—he—pleaded. “I swear I won’t hurt you. I swear it.”

I slowly forced my eyes open. Luna was looking at me with a pleading expression. In a very quiet voice, I whispered, “Don’t gag me.”

She—He—sagged a bit with relief. “If I do anything to hurt you, just tell me and I’ll stop.” If it’s any consolation, he can’t last long. I don’t know why that thought hit me. I shuddered when it did.

Luna led me to the table and gently picked me up with magic and set me down on my back. I saw his legs put him at just the right height to… I closed my eyes again.

“Nav,” he said, “I’m going to get started. Your legs?” I noticed they were curled above me. I slowly forced them down—I had to force them since I was pretty much completely terrified—and he used magic to loosely bind them. He did the same for my upper legs. “And your wings?” They were harder to move for some reason. I was just barely able to force them out.

Luna stopped. “Why are you shaking?” he asked, his voice confused. He probably noticed my eyes were squeezed shut. “Nav?”

I couldn’t answer.

“Try to relax, Nav,” Luna whispered, gently rubbing my wings with magic. I felt him hit a few spots and flinched.

“Oh, I remember what you did to me alright,” he said with a smile. “But… I promised to be gentle.” Luna’s magic slowly caressed my fully spread wings. I felt a growing… hunger, perhaps, is the right word. When the caressing hit the nodes on my wings, I flinched back from it. I heard Luna walk to my back legs. “Relax, Nav,” he said. “I know it feels good because you just did it to me and I was begging for more.”

I couldn’t help but whimper slightly as he began to focus more on those two nodes. “It feels wrong!” I finally burst out. It did. This entire situation felt fucked up, like something Kat would do to me.

He rolled his eyes and finally just mashed the nodes down. My eyes went wide at the explosion of something—pleasure. This is what chicks feel? Holy fuck! I felt the magic on the nodes slowly release. As a stallion, I was cursed with my circumcision. The naga was too cold to feel good. Kat terrified me too much to feel all that great. Even as scared as I was here, though, I couldn’t deny that this felt… good.

“You’re silent, Nav,” he said with surprise. “Not a peep.” I imagined a grin spreading over his face when he said this next part: “You sure did fight against those straps, though!” He patted my flank with a hoof. “Didn’t do you any good, with those girly muscles you have.”

I was breathing out of my mouth now, panting. If that’s what she was feeling, no wonder she was wagging her tail! “Is… Is that all you got?” I panted, still unable to open my eyes.

Luna laughed. It was an evil sound, terrifying. I immediately decided that I needed to work on Luna’s bedroom manner.

I felt the table shake and fearfully opened my eyes. Luna was right next to my face, her front legs on the table, an evil smile plastered on her face. “The only reason I’m not impaling you right now is because I promised to be gentle,” he hissed.

I felt something hit a tender spot between my legs and I let out a gentle gasp.

“Already wet?” he whispered. “My my, you must really want this after all!” He began to push lightly. I squeezed my eyes shut again, trying to brace myself. “Oh come now, I know it doesn’t hurt already! Or… or does my visage frighten you?” I popped an eye open and realized from his expression that the question was rhetorical.

I flinched as he began to push further inside. I felt… I felt it in me. Oh God this is so wrong… He wasn’t slowing down, though. I think he was fighting to keep from speeding up. “I swear to God if you get me pregnant,” I muttered just loud enough to be heard.

“Shut up, you aren’t in heat. I would know if you were.” Luna was terrible at that and he was doing nothing at all to make me feel better at the situation. It was starting to feel less and less like something I was doing with a lover and more and more like another rape. So I did what I always do: Retreat into myself.

It’s an odd sensation, to suddenly think of basic biological facts when you were forced into a different gender into a different animal race from your regular one while currently being strapped down and fucked on a table. Namely, that since I wasn’t actually born with eggs, there would be no way I could become pregnant. And since Luna had only been a guy for a few minutes, there would be no physical way for her to impregnate me since she hadn’t produced any sperm y—HOLY FUCK!

He just popped my cherry! I let out a loud yelp, straining to pull up away from the massive hunk of meat probing me. Luna wrapped her front legs around me while I was straining with my back arched and held me close. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just give it a minute. I know it hurts, but just give it a minute.”

It didn’t just hurt, it hurt! I bared my teeth and if I was still a human, I would have been biting. As it was, I couldn’t do much damage with these shitty horse molars.

I felt something brushing my wings again and I realized his magic was gently caressing the nodes again. “I’m going to start pushing again, Nav,” he warned me, still holding onto me.

It was still stinging, and it started to hurt even more as he pushed further in. Intellectually, I knew Luna would stop if I asked, but… Emotionally, I was so abused in terms of sex that I was too afraid to speak out. If this was Kat, she would love my pain and go faster because of it. If this was the naga, she would just ignore me.

So I just bore it, eyes clamped shut. I felt him inside of me and it hurt but I couldn’t stop it. Luna was moaning lightly at that point, and I was pretty sure it was his first time doing anything as a stallion. Hell, I knew I had to be tight, and my pain was probably making me clench down more.

If nothing else, I had a release in the continuing attention on my wings. Luna’s horn was still glowing lightly, pressing down on the nodes. It was the only thing about this that I liked.

With a shuddering breath, Luna stopped and looked down at me. “I don’t know how you can hold this in, Nav!” he moaned. “It feels so good! I just want to speed up and ravish you!” He gasped. “Are you okay?” he asked, shaking me slightly.

I opened an eye. “It… hurts,” I whispered. I saw him looking at me with concern.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked with an obvious reluctance.

I never wanted to do this at all. “I… I am yours, Luna,” I answered, my voice weak.

“That isn’t an answer, Nav,” he said.

“Yes it is,” I replied, my voice still shaking. “I promised to do whatever you told me. Don’t ask me if I want you to stop. Either stop or keep going.” I put my head back against the table and closed my eyes again. I felt Luna nuzzle me. “I’m doing this for you,” I said without moving.

He sighed and continued pushing in slowly. “I want this to feel good for you,” he said. “But it won’t if we don’t work through the pain. It’ll get better. If it’s any consolation, you’re squeezing me just… right.” He shuddered again, and began to pull out. I couldn’t stop a sigh of relief even though there was still a dull ache.

“That’s… that’s a lot of blood,” he commented. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I didn’t answer; what could I say? I had been a mare all of a few minutes, meaning I never had a chance to have my hymen torn. I felt him leap off the table. “You did this for me,” he said. “I suppose it is fair I return the favor. Though I’m sure you’ve had a bit more practice…”

I picked my head up and looked down just in time to see him extend his tongue and gently lick my clit. I gasped, feeling the pleasure. It still felt wrong, but as he kept going I stopped caring. “Still silent?” he mumbled around my clit. “I’ll make you moan before the night is out.”

I wouldn’t be particularly averse to that, at that point; his continued efforts were starting to build pleasure in my body, making me squirm. After a few minutes of Luna’s efforts, I began to buck, trying to ride a cock that wasn’t in me. Luna giggled at that and doubled his efforts.

Another minute later, I came, sighing deeply. It was like an explosion in my mind and my entire body seemed to shudder in pleasure. If that’s what these mares feel, no wonder they always want sex. I felt Luna lapping gently at the juices coming out of me. He giggled. “Didn’t get a moan, but I think I like this more,” he said with a sultry tone. “Tastes much better than I thought it would, that’s for sure.” I leaned my head back again, sighing.

A moment later, I felt his legs pound back down on the table. “Let’s try this again. But first…” He kissed me deeply, sharing my taste. When he broke it, he looked me in the eye. “Why are you so silent in bed?”

I turned away, unable to look at him. I felt the magic lift my head back up so I was forced to look at him or close my eyes. “Navarone?” he whispered.

“If I’m too loud, she wins,” I whispered, dreading the answer but knowing Luna wouldn’t stop asking until she got it.

His head pulled back and I closed my eyes, fearing some manner of retribution. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

I couldn’t answer.

“Navarone, it’s just you and me in here. You have nothing to fear. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I sighed. “Kat broke me,” I finally said, opening my eyes. “The only way I could resist was with silence. She… They had Spike…”

He gazed at me with sorrow before holding me again. He held me for a while. Eventually Luna pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “Are you ready?”

I gulped. “I’ll never be,” I answered. I was still scared, but it wasn’t as bad anymore.

I felt his tip gently tease my opening before popping in. I flinched again but he didn’t stop, just kept slowly pushing it inside. It hurt less this time, but it still hurt. He didn’t stop at all, just kept pushing in and out, slowly. I suppose it was much easier, now that I was wetter from cumming.

After a few thrusts, Luna’s magic went back to work on my wings, gently caressing them all over instead of focusing on any one spot. I was breathing deeply, trying to focus out the pain and focus on the pleasure on my wings. Luna was breathing shallowly, close to peaking. She was occasionally letting out a moan, considerably less now than when I had been toying with her.

With a grunt, she thrust in fully in one quick motion that startled me, causing me to gasp in pain. I know she hit her climax, but nothing came out; she had nothing to give. Her shuddering body fell on top of mine.

“I’m… sorry, Nav,” he panted. “I… just had to… thrust.” I let my head fall back again. “I’ll give you a bit of a break,” he said, his voice slowly returning to normal as he caught his breath. He fell back off the table. After a moment, I heard him bark a laugh. “If that’s what sex feels like for you, no wonder you flirt with every mare you meet.” Now that’s not entir—Well, yeah.

“That’s my natural response,” I finally said. “I only do it because I can’t tell if a mare is hot or not.”

He sniffed. “Shows what you think of me,” he said.

I picked my head up to look at him. “You are currently a stallion in the most terrifying pony body I have ever seen. The reason I gave in so easily at the beginning is because I was positive that if I didn’t, you would throw me on the table and force me anyway, until I realized you actually were Luna. And even then, I was absolutely terrified the entire time. So don’t you go talking about looks.”

He looked hurt for a moment before looking incredibly surprised. “You would just… give in that easily?” he finally asked. “Not even try to fight back?”

I blinked. “Fighting back is reserved for instances in which it would work. If I had a hand, I would tick off the assaults on my body, but I kind of don’t. So far I have yet to find a situation in which fighting would have accomplished anything but pain and suffering before I got tied down and raped anyway.”

His eyes flicked to my bindings and he flinched lightly. Didn’t think that one through, did you? “Why did you let me do that to you, Nav?” he weakly asked as he released the straps.

I tried sitting up before remembering I was a pony. I flipped over instead and turned to face him. “You told me to get on the table,” I finally answered, settling down in a position that calmed the ache inside me the most.

“I also told you to stop me if I hurt you!”

“The straps didn’t hurt,” I answered. Not physically.

“But the rest of what I did?” he demanded.

“What you did to my wings didn’t hurt,” I answered.

He slammed a hoof down and I couldn’t stop a flinch. “You were in pain the entire time!” he accused.

I just looked at him. I thought he had known. After a moment, he sighed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes and seemed to shrink. I blinked and realized he had turned back into Luna. The pink stone flew at her from where it was resting on the floor and she changed back into a mare.

She opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. She swung her head so quickly I thought her neck was about to break. With a bright glow of her horn, everything around me went invisible. “This isn’t over,” she promised me. “And don’t move.”

She walked over to the door and flung it open with magic. A guard stood on the other side. Before he could say anything, she said, “If the next sentence out of your mouth contains the words tax report, I am sending you to the moon for a month.”

The guard gulped nervously, a blush appearing on his face as the smell from the room started escaping. Luna stared at him.

“I believe I requested not to be disturbed,” Luna said after a moment of silence.

The guard finally closed his mouth and coughed nervously. “There’s… there’s a visitor here to see you, Princess Luna,” he finally said. “She says she’s here to report some missing cursed artifacts.”

Luna blinked. “Is this a purple unicorn? Name of Twilight Sparkle?”

The guard nodded, “Yes, Princess. She is a student of Princess Celestia.”

Luna ground her teeth together. “Send her to me!” she demanded, her voice tense with anger. “I’ll be right here. Take a long route.”

The door slammed shut before the guard could respond. Luna turned to me, glaring as I returned to view. “Does Twilight know where you hid the stones?” she asked, walking up to me.

I shrugged. “I don’t think so. But she probably has some manner of detection spell to check where they are. My question is… how the fuck did she get here so fast?”

“Train rides don’t take that long…” Luna muttered something else and said, “Fine. You are the one who… broke her in, right?”

“She was in heat at the time, and needed release,” I said. “I helped her as a friend, nothing more.”

Luna smiled wickedly. “Well, now you’re going to help her as my hands.” The blue stone flew and hit me in the face. I flinched as I changed into a human again. “Get dressed,” she ordered. I did. She mused aloud, “It would be fun for her to walk in on us doing something… inappropriate. But she might alert the guard.” While she was talking, my ring floated up to me from where it had been thrown. “When I get her on the table, you slide that over her horn.” Her wicked smile got deeper. “Let’s find out why Twilight Sparkle is Celestia’s favorite student, shall we?”

I looked at Luna with a bit of horror. “This is rape, Luna,” I said. “There are a few things that I’m willing to go back on my word for, and this is one of them.”

She gave me an odd look. “You really don’t know much about ponies, do you?”

I shrugged. “I spent my time learning more about pony magic and pony history than pony anatomy.”

She smiled. “Trust me when I say that what we’re doing won’t be rape.” I was starting to run very, very low on trust. “Now stay away from the table; we don’t want her to bump into it when she gets here.”

I went back to the bookshelf and pretended to browse the shelves. “Good, Nav,” she said. “Just like this is a casual visit.”

I rolled the ring in my hand nervously. I didn’t know what Luna had in mind. I wasn’t going to hurt Twilight, but I don’t think I could stop Luna if I tried. I don’t even know what she had in mind.

And my mind was still reeling from what had just happened. I still felt a dull ache even though I couldn’t pinpoint where. I heard Luna say, “And we’re still going to have that talk, later.”

There was a knock at the door. I stared at the book case, pretending to look it over. The door slowly opened. “Come in, Twilight,” Luna said.

“Thank you so much for agreeing to see me, Princess Luna!” Twilight said with her usual joy at being seen as correct in a situation. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but—Navarone?” I heard the door slowly drift closed.

I turned to face her with a nod. “Twilight,” I answered.

She turned to face Luna. Instead of asking why I was there, she continued, “Some of Navarone’s magic items have gone missing!”

Luna looked to me for a moment before turning back to Twilight. “Which ones, Twilight?”

“The two strange stones,” she answered. “Normally I’m able to feel a small resonance when they’re nearby, but that feeling was missing today for some reason. I went to check to see if they’re where he usually kept them hidden, but they weren’t there.”

Luna smiled. “You worry too much, Twilight,” she said, walking closer to her. “This could have waited until morning, I think. But since you’re here…” Luna was standing right alongside Twilight now. She lifted a hoof onto Twilight’s back. “I think you could do with some relaxation. You’re so tense! Navarone here has been helping me with some human relaxation techniques.”

“You called him back from the forest to… help you relax, Princess?” Twilight asked, incredibly confused.

“Oh no,” Luna said. “He came back to bring me an old friend, and Celestia ordered him to stay in the city for some time. I’ve been helping him with pony relaxation techniques to get his mind off the arduousness of the forest.” Luna looped her front leg around Twilight’s shoulder and began to slowly lead her into the room. “Do you want us to help you relax, Twilight?”

Twilight’s eyes widened slightly. “I-I don’t know, Princess… I really think it’s important that we find those artifacts! Just imagine the trouble they could wreak!”

“Don’t worry about those, Twilight,” Luna purred, still leading her to the invisible table. “They’re already taken care of.”

“You know where they are?” Twilight asked.

“Yes,” Luna answered. “Navarone has them.”

Twilight seemed to sag with relief. “Wonderful! Now, I really need to get back to Ponyville, Princess,” she said, trying to pull back. Luna didn’t let go.

“Nonsense, Twilight!” Luna said. “You relaxed a little, but you still seem so uptight! You really should let us help you relax.”

Twilight sniffed at the air a bit and began to blush. “I… I’m not certain I want to, Princess,” she answered.

Luna smiled. “So uptight indeed! You are definitely one of Celestia’s students; she always was such a bore. I made sure the students I had were always less tense. It always helped their mind, to relieve that much tension.”

Twilight turned to me. “Navarone?” she asked, her voice somewhat frightened.

I shrugged. “I’m obeying Luna’s orders,” I answered. “I had to make a deal earlier to help Rarity out.”

“And what do you suggest I do?” she asked after a moment of thought.

“That depends,” I answered. “If you want to be sexually exhausted and thoroughly pleased—” Luna gave me a mean look at that. “—then stay here. If not, I suggest turning around and walking away.” I looked at Luna and shrugged. “I told you: I’m not going to do that to her unless she’s willing.”

I thought Twilight was blushing before. Her entire face turned luminescent at that. She was still blushing when she finally said, “I’m in.”

I blinked in surprise and Luna smiled victoriously. Twilight looked… determined. Luna turned to me. “I should let her use the blue stone to punish you for that… But I think I’ll let Twilight have some fun.” Her horn glowed for a moment and all of the toys reappeared, along with the table that the two of them were now standing right in front of. “Navarone is going to be taking care of you, Twilight,” Luna continued. “And I’m going to be learning from him. So your pleasure can be doubled: You get to help teach somepony something, and you get to have a bit of fun yourself.”

Twilight was still gaping at the sudden appearance of the table. She finally blinked and looked at Luna. “What’s he going to do to me?” she asked.

Luna’s horn began to glow and Twilight lifted off the floor and onto the table. “You’re the third pony that’s been there tonight,” Luna said, her voice beginning to drip with lust. “As I’m sure you can tell from the puddles.” Twilight shuddered as she was placed against the table. Straps began to tighten down around her legs. When she was in place, Luna turned to me. “It is your show now, Nav,” she said with a filthy little smile.

I walked up and dropped the ring on Twilight’s horn. “Two choices here, Twilight,” I said. “You can either pleasure Luna with that little mouth of yours or you get a ball gag.”

Twilight looked up at me with confusion.

“Oh right,” I remarked. “You don’t know shit about sex. Ball gag it is, then.” I reached down and grabbed it from its resting spot. I don’t know how Luna had gotten it off of herself so quickly, but whatever.

“Nav, I’m… I’m not so sure about th—Mmf!”

I patted her cheek. “Luna wasn’t either. She got over it.” I looked over the toys I now had. Twilight was a lot shorter and smaller than Luna, so I was going to have to be more careful with her. She also didn’t have wings I could abuse. I turned to Luna. “I don’t reckon unicorns get any pleasure from their horn?”

“Nothing non-unicorns can do,” she answered with a smile. “I know there are some techniques unicorns can do to each other, but I don’t know any.”

I shrugged. “I prefer more down-to-earth methods over magic any day.” I walked around to Twilight’s back legs. “Nervous, Twilight?” I didn’t wait for a response, just began rubbing her pussy. She twitched when she first felt me, but settled down a bit. “If I start going too far, swish your tail for me. And too far means I’m hurting you, not that it feels good.” I turned to Luna as I was rubbing Twilight. “I don’t suppose you know the names for any of the things down here?”

“I just know what feels good when you touch it,” she answered.

I nodded slowly. “Figured as much. Damn ponies don’t have any sex-ed in their schools.” I snorted. “Still, I figure what you have is better than what they teach where I come from.” Twilight was finally getting wet, and her clit began to poke out. I grabbed it and began to rub it. “What I’m rubbing right now is called the clitoris,” I said. “It’s probably the best feeling thing you have down there.”

I proceeded to give a very detailed vaginal lesson to Luna—and Twilight, I suppose, if she was able to pay attention through the pleasure of what I was doing; she came at least twice during the lesson.

“I’m honestly surprised how little you ponies know of your own sexuality,” I finally said. “I know you guys have sex for pleasure, so there’s no reason for you to know as little as you do!”

Twilight tried to say something, but I slapped her on the flank with the riding crop. She let out a groan through the ball gag—she had been doing that a lot, and my response was always the same. I was trying to train her out of over-explaining something no one really cares about.

So instead Luna answered, “I really don’t know, Nav. I… I never really had much of a chance to do stuff like this. Now what was it that you did to me earlier? With… that other hole.”

“Oh, that’s called anal.” I explained that to her as well, using a small toy to demonstrate with Twilight. “Most girls don’t really care for it, but if you’re a gay guy, that’s pretty much all you can do unless you want to suck each other off. Any more questions?”

She shook her head.

“So now that the lesson is over, how about we really break Twilight in?”

Luna smiled. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well… I still haven’t had too much in the way of release tonight. I help Twilight learn how to give you some release and you turn me into a stallion so I can rut you both until you drop.” Being a horse was less fun, but I lasted longer since I was less sensitive. The opposite is true in real life, but I was assuming the ponies were more evolved, and could last longer during sex. I mean, stallions in real life? Done in less than fifteen seconds.

Luna looked pensive. “Do you really think you could outlast us both like that?”

Twilight tried getting my attention again and got the same response. I answered, “I’m part tree. I have a whole lot of stamina and I barely feel pleasure or pain, especially due to some scar tissue as a stallion. I help Twilight out, she helps you out, and when I wear her down, I move on to you. Sound fun?” Twilight tried one more time and I finally actually hurt her when I hit her with the crop.

Luna thought for a moment. After a little while, her smile deepened. “I have another deal: If you cum before we’re both completely worn out, Twilight gets to take the blue stone and you get the pink one and your situations get to be swapped. The game itself is what you get if you win, I suppose.” Twilight looked up from her table with a nasty look for me.

I looked at Twilight with a small smile. “Deal,” I said. “Before you turn me, let’s get Twilight started on you.” I led Luna up to Twilight’s head and pulled the gag out. Twilight licked her lips nervously. “Twilight, you were paying attention when I was teaching Luna. Do with your tongue what I was doing with my fingers.” She nodded, not trusting her words just then. “Show me,” I said, pulling Luna so her marehood was level with Twilight’s head.

After a moment, Twilight tenderly pushed out her tongue and began to give some unprofessional licks. Luna let a small gasp escape. I patted Luna on the flank as I turned back to Twilight’s lower legs and began to take my clothes off. “I’m ready, Luna,” I finally said. She didn’t answer, just turned me into a pegasus.

I popped my neck and put my forelegs on the table. “It’s a good thing I already broke you in, Twilight,” I said. “I am just itching to ravish something.” I heard Twilight choke as she pulled her head away from Luna to look at me with horror.

She saw the evil look on my face and gulped. “Don’t… don’t hurt me, Nav!” she said.

“Go back to Luna and I’ll think about it,” I said, my smile dropping some of its evilness.

Her eyes widened and she quickly went back to pleasing Luna with her tongue.

“Good girl,” I said. I looked down to aim properly. “Swish your tail or scream or something to stop me when you give up.” With a gentle repositioning, I propped my stallionhood right up to Twilight’s hole. With no other warning, I began to fuck her. Not rough, since I’m not a dick and she was completely unable to resist, but I was going to make this mare walk funny when she was done, if she was able to stand up at all.

I lost myself in the motion of in and out, in and out. I don’t know how long I was at it when I saw Luna pull away from Twilight. “Her tongue stopped working,” Luna complained. She got a look at Twilight’s face, covered in mare juices and drool. She was blushing heavily, her tongue stuck out and her eyes rolled up in the back of her head. “Oh, it looks like you broke her, Nav!” she said. “Keep going!”

I did. I know my legs were getting wetter and wetter as I pounded her, and I felt the pleasure in my dick slowly building, though I knew I was nowhere close to releasing just yet. With a full-body shudder, Twilight came one last time and I pulled off of her. “I think she’s spent, Luna,” I said. “How long have I been at her?”

“Oh, about an hour,” she answered. That can’t be healthy… for me or her. Twilight was unable to do much of anything, I think, aside from maybe sleep. When I pulled out, my dick seemed fine, but I knew it should be smarting.

“Unstrap her and float her to a bed, Luna,” I said. “She’s out for the count.” I walked around and removed the ring from her horn with my mouth as Luna undid the straps. She floated Twilight over to a couch and unceremoniously dropped her.

“Now, where were we?” Luna asked pleasantly, turning to me with a dirty smile.

“I think I was just about to wear your pussy out,” I answered.

Luna sniffed. “It hardly seems fair, I say: I’ve been toyed with all night!”

I shrugged. “Turn around, then, and let me get back to trying to cum. Sooner I do, sooner it’ll be done.”

She smiled. “Now that Twilight is out, we could do something a bit… different.”

I answered her smile with my own. “I think I’ll stick with the deal, Luna.” She clipped a hoof on the floor; I think she was hoping I’d have forgotten. “Now, turn on around so I can give the good princess what she deserves.”

She turned around but couldn’t help getting the last word, “If you want to help the good princess, you’ll have to wake her up.”

I mounted her and bent down to her ear, “In that case, I prefer the dirty princess,” I whispered before thrusting inside her. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go at her for nearly as long as I did Twilight: She gave up about fifteen minutes in.

She bent her neck down, breathing out, “I’m done, Nav!” I sighed and gently pulled out. I still hadn’t cum! Fucking trees, man.

“I just can’t win, can I?” I asked. She turned her head to look at me. With a small glow of her horn, she flipped me onto the floor and put her head to my crotch.

“This should make you happy, I think,” she purred, wrapping her lips around my dick. She slowly took the entire thing in, not choking once. She looked me dead in the eyes. That is fucking hot. I don’t even care if she’s a horse!

She gave me head for five minutes, moaning slightly to ripple along my entire head. Her throat clenched me in just the right places at just the right times, even though I could barely feel it. I finally came in her mouth. Her eyes widened a bit before closing as she swallowed my seed and tried to pump me for more. I finally leaned back on the floor, satisfied.

“Still silent?” she asked when she pulled her mouth away from my dick with an audible pop. She set herself down on the floor next to me. “If this is what it takes to satisfy you, I think I’ll be getting these stones each time we have sex so you can be the mare.”

I sighed. “This time I was trying to make it last so I would win and because it felt really good. If we start having sex on a more regular basis, I’ll be a human so it’ll be more fun.”

She snorted. “Show-off. Rest quickly; I’ll have to do my best to revive Twilight so she can revive me so I can get back to princess duties.”

I raised my head enough to see Twilight on the couch, still looking pretty dead to the world. “I think she’s out of it, Luna,” I said, lowering my head back down. “You might just have to go about your duties leaking mare juices. I’m sure your guards will love that.”

She looked at me when I said that. She did not look that amused. “About your… comments,” she said, glaring at me. “I would not like Celestia’s horn anywhere near my… Ugh! And if you ever tell any of my guards what we just did, I’ll turn you back into a mare and let them have their way with you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her threats. With her voice still sounding deep and breathy like that, she sounded so cute! “And your maid?” I finally asked, still wearing a smile.

She glared at me for a moment before breaking her mood with a giggle. “She is pretty cute…” She turned her head back. “We really need to get up, Nav.”

“You do,” I answered. “I can stay here all night and you’re the only one that’ll miss me.”

“Our original deal doesn’t expire until the sun comes up,” she said. “So you’re mine until then. If I need to get up, you need to get up.”

I sighed and got to my feet. She looked up at me in surprise. I smiled. “I have a shitload of stamina, remember? Hell, I could probably ravage your pussy again in a few minutes, if you really wanted me to.” Actually, I doubt that. God, my crotch is starting to fucking hurt.

Her eyes widened. After a moment, she smiled. “I think I picked my paramour well.” With a grunt she pushed herself to her feet. She looked over at Twilight. “Yes, she is much too content to be moved. I’ll send her off when she wakes up later in the morning.” Her horn glowed bright and I turned back into a human. I quickly grabbed my clothes; it was cold in that room without fur or clothes.

I grabbed my ring from the table when I had the clothes on. Luna finally opened a window to let some of the interesting smells out. I went into her bedroom and grabbed a blanket for Twilight; we might be leaving her on a couch, but I could at least leave her on a couch with a blanket. I threw it over her and tucked her in. Luna watched with an unreadable expression.

That done, I finally straightened my body out and stretched, popping all manner of joints. I finally turned to Luna. “Ready when you are, Luna,” I said. “Though you really should take a shower to wash the smell off of you.” I grabbed a bit of her still flowing mane and breathed in deep. “Smells like sex,” I sighed out.

“And what’s wrong with a princess having a bit of fun?” she coyly asked.

“Oh, nothing,” I answered. “I quite like the smell. I just thought it was unbecoming of you.”

She rolled her eyes. “This has been fun,” she said. “We’ll have to do it again some time.” Like we just had tea. She led the way out. I followed, shaking my head.

At least she forgot the conversation we were supposed to have.

(Sex is over)

A note from your loving Discord

When Blueblood fled from the garden party, he went straight to his royal chambers, exhausted and humiliated. He stared at pictures of himself for an hour or so, tears leaking from his eyes.

When he finally gained the mental fortitude to flee his rooms again, he went straight to the throne room to talk to Celestia, to try to convince her to punish the human. He peeked inside the room first, to make sure she wasn’t receiving anyone he wasn’t important enough to trump.

He looked in to see the human placidly standing at Celestia’s side while a peasant recounted some manner of grievance, face to the floor.

Blueblood fled the throne room in horror. He sought solitude within the labyrinth.

Instead of solitude, he found me.

I whispered into his mind as though from a great distance, “Do you want revenge, Blueblood?”

He blinked, thinking his mind playing tricks on him. He looked around to make sure he was alone before whispering, “I would give anything to look the same…”

A gentle wind blew an old photograph past him, flitting the image it contained in and out of view. He saw it, saw part of the picture it contained, and eagerly followed. It led him to a small fountain cunningly woven into the bushy walls of the labyrinth. The picture landed face down in front of the pool of water.

Blueblood bent down to flip the photograph when his eyes brushed to the water. He froze, looking into his reflection.

It was whole, unblemished and unbroken. “Do you care so little about your looks that you would let the one who broke you go free?” I whispered into his soul.

Blueblood just continued staring.

“Do you remember what it was the human told you, that night in the tower?”

I felt his mind flick back to that night. I saw him recall what I had said: Do you really think she would waste all that energy to send me here to babysit you? I’m not a guard, and you’re in no danger here.

“You were in no danger… from anypony else.” I felt his mind rushing as he looked into the water, past the reflection. “Why do you think he was there, Blueblood? As he said, he was not a guard. He is an agent, one who specializes in dirty tasks. What is more dirty than transporting a poison used to kill an upstart noble? You saw him around that black cat. You saw him feeling her up. It was the perfect chance to pass on any kind of package.”

His mind was still trying to deny it. “But… the dog! It couldn’t have been the human… He was poisoned too!”

“Yet he suffered no ill effects. And yes, the dog. Do you remember what happened right after you recovered?” He most certainly did. The whole changeling crisis can’t be so easily forgotten, even by one as self-centered as Blueblood. “The dog vanished, Blueblood. He could very easily have been one of Celestia’s agents who was relocated when his use was fulfilled. The changelings were a perfect scapegoat.”

“Auntie Celestia would never… She loves me!”

“Does she? Or did she? Flip the picture over.”

With a trembling hoof, he did so.

Depicted on it was the transformation process between Navarone’s human body and Egill’s body, with the beginning and end result clearly shown.

Behind the shock in his mind, I felt the rage begin to grow. I continued, “Oh, he is hardly the ideal replacement: He’s no unicorn, for example. And he doesn’t have any highborn blood in him. And he’s not even the same species, or at least not really. And he certainly doesn’t have any manner of honor.” I felt his mind grow a bit more enraged at each word. “In fact… Celestia must just really hate you to replace you with him… Or perhaps she just really loves this new human.”

“Love?” I felt his shock grow a bit. Mind, I had no clue if Celestia actually did love Navarone: I decided that trying to pick through her mind would ruin the game for me.

“And she isn’t the only one. Think: Who all did you see today with him?”

“Luna,” he whispered. “He has them both in his pocket.”

“And he’s building more and more friends. Fancy Pants, for example, just seems to adore him. And I’m sure you remember how they all treated you.”

He ground his teeth so hard together that some of them broke under the rot and pressure.

“Do you just want your looks back? Or would you prefer some manner of revenge on those that did this to you?”

“Revenge,” he whispered, voice dripping with hate.

“And how far are you willing to go to see them suffer?” I ask, my voice growing in his mind as though I was getting closer.

“I would do anything to make that human suffer.”

I filled his mind with laughter as I stepped out of the picture still at his feet. “I think you might recognize me, Blueblood,” I said, keeping my voice relatively grave.

“The draconequus statue…” he whispered, flinching back from my presence. “I thought you were a myth!”

“I am quite real, I assure you.” I said. “And I am very, very powerful.” I snapped my fingers and brought forth a mirror. I held it up for him. “I can make you whole again. I can bring you revenge against Celestia and her servants. And I can give you power.”

He was staring in the mirror with a disturbing sense of desire. I lowered it for a moment and pointed to the water. He looked at the mirror for a second, wishing it would snap back up, and finally contented himself with looking into the water. He gasped, seeing himself as he was: broken.

“You must choose, Blueblood,” I told him. “You can stay here and be replaced and forgotten. Or you can come with me, and remake Equestria as we wish it to be.”

He stared into the water for a long while.

“Blueblood disappeared yesterday, Navarone,” Celestia told me when we met the following morning. “Right out of the palace.”

“I was with Luna. I’ve been with at least one of the two of you since you stole me away from Rarity,” I answered.

“I wasn’t blaming you, Nav,” she replied. “I was just commenting on it. Now, before you leave, visit your friend from Ponyville. I’m sorry your short stay was so stressful, but you seem to be an absolute magnet for trouble.”

“I don’t suppose there will be any manner of trouble over what happened with Blueblood?” I asked, pretending to sound hopeful.

“Not from me,” she answered with feigned disapproval. “But he did have a few allies in court. There will be no official discipline, but don’t be too surprised if you find yourself unwelcome by a few ponies here.”

“I was unwelcome by a lot of them just by being different. I suppose I might as well give them a real reason for it.”

“Being different is something you could have overcome with time. You might have made some life-long enemies, Nav.” After a second, she fixed herself, “Their lives, anyway. I don’t suppose you have to worry about that as much.”

“Truth be told, I don’t really care what happens in this court. I take my orders from you and Luna. The rest of them can fuck off.”

“I’ll remember you said that, Nav. Now go on. I don’t have all day to devote to watching you, and you still need to visit Rarity.”

“I don’t really need to do that…” I caught Celestia’s look—it was one of those—and sighed. “But I suppose it might be good for her mind to know I’m okay. I’m sure our departure yesterday didn’t leave her with much confidence.”

“Then go tell her you’re okay, Nav. I will see you again later, I suppose. At the Gala, if not before.”

I left and made my way to Rarity’s apartment. I found her there, pacing the floors worriedly. “Navarone, you’re okay!” she yelled, throwing herself at me as soon as I stepped inside. I barely managed to stop from flying back outside.

“Yeah, Rarity. Celestia decided I was too important to go too hard on. She just made me pull guard duty for several hours.”

She dropped her hug immediately and said, somewhat disgusted, “Guard duty? I spent all night worrying about you for guard duty!?”

“It was really, really boring,” I tried placating her with. She sniffed and turned her back to me. “It’s not my fault Celestia has a mind built for cruel and unusual punishments. Maybe worrying about me was your punishment for using me and Luna yesterday.”

She turned back wearing a smile. “I’m not mad at you, Nav. Not after what you did for me. I was just… shocked, is all. Tell me, did anything happen to Blueblood after his display?”

“He apparently disappeared sometime last night,” I answered. “No one knows what happened, or if anyone does, they aren’t saying.”

She got a bit of a sad look on her face. “I know he was a stuck up self-centered jerk, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him… He might have been able to change, now that he didn’t have as much to be proud of.”

“He was too full of hate, I think. I’m just worried about what happens now; will he want revenge against me for my part in it?”

She sighed. “Let’s not talk of such matters, Nav. This is a happy time! After what you did for me yesterday, we’ve both been invited by Fancy Pants to everything he does in the future! There’s a Wonderbolt show happening today in a few hours. I don’t think you’ve ever seen them fly before, so this would be a wonderful thing for us to go to!”

That actually did sound kind of interesting; Rainbow Dash managed to make watching pegasi fly in circles sound interesting. However, I really didn’t want to get caught in Canterlot again. “Sadly, I can’t. I need to get back to the forest.” She gave me her puppy dog face, which I was able to ignore. “Blame Luna. I’m her knight and this was one of her orders. The only reason I’m here right now is because I knew you’d still be worrying about my departure yesterday.”

She sighed. “Well, thank you for putting my mind at ease, at least. I’ll be sure to tell Fancy Pants that you send your regrets for not being able to attend. I’m sure he’ll understand. I suppose I’ll see you back in Ponyville in a few days?”

“I should be back in a week or so. This little break kind of cut into my plan of a week in and a week out. Have fun with your high society people. Oh, and you were right: Fancy Pants does seem to be someone worth having as a friend. The rest, I don’t know.”

She smiled. “I’ll be sure to tell him you said that, too. Good luck in the Everfree forest, Nav. Celestia knows you’ll need it…”

Chapter Forty—Fruits and Poultry

Chapter Forty—Fruits and Poultry

I got back from that week of exploring feeling particularly exhausted: I had been in there for several days, and ever since I got back in that place, I had felt a perpetual sense of being watched. Even more so than usual, that is. I also had a pack full of new fruits for Applejack, which I dropped off as soon as I got out.

“Thanks a lot, Nav!” Applejack said. “Now, you’re sure these are all safe for ponies to eat?”

I shrugged. “I saw animals eating all of them. If something was eating them, they probably won’t hurt you. As to the taste, though… Fuck all if I know.” She looked at the odd fruits dubiously.

“I don’t reckon you’d mind hanging around for a little bit while I taste test them, would you?”

“I don’t have anything planned. Go ahead.”

After a moment’s hesitation, she picked out a spiny little yellow sphere. “Do I just bite into this?”

“I think so. I’m pretty sure that’s what I remember seeing those squirrels doing.”

She did so. Her eyes immediately started watering and she started gagging like crazy.

“That bad?” I asked.

She shook her head, trying to get control. I offered her a canteen, which she took with a nod and quickly emptied it. “Sour!” she finally breathed out. I picked the fruit up off the ground and sniffed the inside.

“Oh, it’s a lemon! Or something like a lemon, at least. Odd to find a citrus fruit growing up here, but that’s hardly the strangest thing I’ve seen in there.”

She gave me a confused look before even more hesitantly going to the next fruit I had brought her. It was a large green sphere.

“Now this one you want to crack open,” I told her. “I saw some birds knocking it from a tree and letting it break against the ground.”

She put it down and stepped on it.

“Or you could do that, yeah.” She grabbed a bit of it and took a small bite.

Her eyes lit up. “Sweet tarnations! It’s a melon!” She ate her piece down to the rind.

I grabbed a bit of it and rubbed the dirt off. I tasted a piece. “Cantaloupe,” I confirmed. “You start growing this stuff, you could probably make a fortune.”

She scooped the seeds and the mush from the center of the melon into a bucket. “We’ll see about planting some of them, then. Now, what about this one?” she asked, pulling out the third of the four fruits I brought her. This one was roughly banana shaped and pink.

“This one is a bit of a mystery to me. I saw several creatures eating them, but they all fled not long after doing so. As many things as were eating it, I know it isn’t dangerous, but I’m not certain you should eat it without a doctor nearby.”

“I’ll be fine, Nav. The other two didn’t give me any problems, other than a bit of a sour attack. Now how do I eat this?”

“Just bite into it. I thought you would need to peel it, but I’m pretty sure you don’t. There is a big seed in the middle, so be careful about that. I grabbed more from fruits dropped around the main tree, in case you decided to grow them.”

Without a hesitation, she bit into it. She chewed for a second and then looked down at it funny. “It don’t taste like anything. Like…” she stopped and slowly shifted her gaze to me. After a moment, her pupils constricted heavily, leaving the green in her eyes almost completely in control. “You smell like…”

“Applejack? Are you okay?” I asked, somewhat worried.

Before I could react, she threw me to the ground and jumped on top of me. I have no idea at all how she did it. I opened my mouth to yell out but she covered it with hers. What the fuck! Holy shit, Applejack is kissing me.

I got over my surprise and pushed her away with as much force as I could give. As soon as I got her away from me, I saw her face switch from euphoria to fury. She did everything she could to get my arms away from her so she could get back in at me. I started screaming for help—there are a few ponies I would be willing to risk fighting like this with; Applejack was not one of them. She was very strong and very tough.

Big Macintosh came running up to us just as Applejack was finally able to force herself back onto me. I knew if I wasn’t wearing a belt, there would be a pretty good chance he would have found us in a very different position.

He pulled her off me with no effort at all. She struggled like a wildcat. I pushed myself away from the two of them. I couldn’t tell if Applejack was more concerned with breaking away from Macintosh or getting back at me. I struggled to catch my breath while he tried to get some manner of answer from her.

He had been questioning her for a minute before I finally trusted my feet again and was able to stand up. He looked to me. “I have no idea,” I answered to his look. “She was eating a fruit from the Everfree forest and went rapist on me. How long do you think you can hold her?”

“I can hold her like this for hours. You are going to go find a cure so I don’t have to.”

I looked at Applejack’s eyes. They met mine and I saw a deep-seated lust in them that scared me. “Yeah,” I said. “That seems like a good idea. Zecora should know what to do. I don’t suppose you could send Applebloom to get Twilight?”

“She ain’t here,” he said. I suppose she was in school or with her friends.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I said, and took off. I made it to Zecora’s house in fifteen minutes with what was left of the fruit in my hand.

As soon as she opened the door, her eyes went to the fruit. She face-hoofed before I could even explain myself. “Yeah, thanks for that,” I said. “Can you fix her?”

“I can fix your distress, so the answer is yes.” Fucking rhymes. She turned and went back to grab some stuff. I stood in her doorway, wishing she would hurry up. She was coming back to the door when I started hearing branches breaking behind me. I said a silent prayer and turned to face whatever it was.

Applejack came bounding out of the forest like a fucking tiger and hit me so hard that when we slammed into Zecora’s house, she actually broke one of my wings. We bounced off and I landed on top, despite being in intense pain. I didn’t stay there long, as she quickly spun us over. She threw my arms aside and pinned them down with her front hooves. She wore the most predatory grin I have ever seen a pony have. “You’re mine, now!” she growled, her face quickly coming back down to mine. Her back legs started pawing at my pants, working to get them down. I was still in shock from the pain in my wing.

Zecora calmly exited her house and saw us—not like you could miss us, after we hit her house so hard that we left a permanent indentation. She slowly pulled a pouch open and poured a bit of powder onto one of her hooves. That done, she used her other hoof to pull Applejack’s head off mine and gently blew the powder into Applejack’s face.

Applejack’s eyes very slowly dilated back to normal. I felt the efforts of her back legs start to slow down until they eventually stopped entirely. When she stopped moving, Zecora let her head go and Applejack’s entire body sagged against mine, more than doubling the weight on my now-broken wing. I pushed her off me and weakly rolled over and slowly pushed myself to a kneeling position.

“How do you fare? Do you need care?” Zecora finally asked, seeing one of my wings hanging at an unnatural angle.

“I can’t feel my right wing,” I answered. “I think it’s busted.” I used the wall to brace myself as I got to my feet. “What about Applejack? Is she okay?”

“Her harm is quite moot. Just avoid that fruit.”

“What was it?”

She grimaced slightly. “The forest houses animals that yowl and hiss. One such animal is the deadly cockatrice. That fruit encourages such an odd change, and its effects have an infinite range.” Naturally occurring love fruit that gives whatever eats it fertility with whatever attracted it. Nasty.

“How long will she be asleep?”

“Her slumber should not be too long. However, she will soon yearn dong.”

Did she really just… “...What?”

“I will explain once again, if I must. When she awakens, she will feel much lust."

Sometimes I really wonder about Zecora. “I can’t exactly carry her back…” I mused. Thankfully, I heard another bustling coming through the trees a second after. My suspicions were confirmed when Big Macintosh came trotting into view.

“She tricked me,” is all he said.

“Well, she’s better now,” I said. We all looked at her sleeping form. “Well, better than she was. Think you can carry her back?”

“Eeyup.” He gently threw her over his shoulders.

“Thanks again, Zecora,” I said. “Sorry about your house…”

She waved us away and we cautiously headed back. I left the two of them at the farm and started heading back to Ponyville. Thankfully, I ran into Rainbow Dash just on the outskirts of town, practicing some stunts or something. I sent her back to the farm. As soon as she got out of sight I couldn’t help but smile, even with the pain I could still feel in my wing.

It felt good to be back.

Until I got to the library, at least. “What in Celestia’s name happened to you?” Twilight gasped when she saw me. I was pretty fucked up at that point: Right wing hanging at an awkward angle, clothes torn and muddied, hair greasy and nasty, and a few bruises were probably appearing on my face.

“I found out why no one experiments with fruit from the jungle. I don’t suppose you could deal with this?” I asked, pointing over my shoulder to my wing.

“I can… try, I suppose. But I have to set the bone before I can treat it.” She checked the shelves for something. “Lie on the floor, will you?” She kept looking. “SPIKE!”

Spike and Taya came scurrying in from different parts of the library. Both gasped in horror upon seeing me. “What happened to you, man?” Spike asked, stopping. I was just getting into a sitting position at that point.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered. I gently lowered myself to my stomach and wearily put my head down. Taya cantered over and laid right in front of my head, and used her magic to gently move my head to her side, giving me a pillow of sorts. “You might not want to be there when Twilight sets my wing,” I told her, closing my eyes. “I might react negatively.”

“I’ll be fine,” she whispered.

“Here it is, Twilight!” I heard Spike saying. “‘A Foal’s Guide to Field Dressing Basic Pegasus Wounds.’ Are you sure this really applies?”

“No, but it’s what we have. Now, let’s see here…” She looked through it for a bit. “Spike, go find a nice thick stick.” He ran off. I heard a book gently set down on a pedestal. “So Navarone, what did you find for me this time?” she asked me.

“A few abandoned buildings. Several more fruits and plants. A few more animal specimens. I don’t suppose you could hurry this up? The only reason I’m still able to form coherent thoughts through the pain is because it’s so greatly reduced from being part tree.”

“In a minute. We need to wait for Spike.”

“I don’t think you need to brace it if all you’re going to do is set it long enough to heal it.”

“Oh, no. This isn’t for holding your wing in place. This is so you don’t bite your tongue off when I start moving it around.” Oh yeah. That. Fun. “Do you think you could lead me to any of the buildings?”

“Could I? Sure. Will I, though? Ask Celestia. That place is hella dangerous and I don’t know if she’d want me leading any expeditions in there. Especially since, according to Luna, it gets more dangerous the more people go in and the heavier armed they are.”

I think she was going to respond when Spike came running back in. “Give the stick to Nav,” she told him. I opened my eyes and grabbed it when he offered it. With a sigh, I slipped it into my mouth, biting down. “I’m so sorry about this…”

An excruciating half-hour later, I forced myself to my feet, spitting broken chunks of wood out of my mouth. “Next time I get hurt, I’m going to Fluttershy,” I muttered. Twilight fucked up several times while trying to set it.

“That probably would have been a lot smarter,” Spike replied. Twilight shot us both glares.

“So what really happened to you, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“You two go back to doing… whatever,” I told Taya and Spike. They looked at Twilight, disappointed. She nodded. They left, giving us both dark looks. When they were out of what I assumed was their earshot, I answered, “I brought Applejack a fruit that turned her into a rapist. It was unpleasant.”

Twilight was understandably confused by that. “A fruit that did what now?”

“Okay, you know how the cockatrice is a mix between a chicken and a snake?” She nodded, still looking confused. “That isn’t natural. I found the fruit that caused the two species to intermix.” She looked at me in sudden understanding, which quickly turned to horror.

“So Applejack tried to… with… How did you escape her?” Shows what she thinks of me. But to be fair...

“Big Macintosh pulled her off me. I hightailed it to Zecora to see if she could help. She was looking for the right supplies when Applejack came sprinting out of the woods and collided with me, sending us both into the hut. That’s what broke my wing. Zecora gave her something that fixed her.”

“You just don’t have that much luck with the mares, do you?” she asked with a small smile. Before I could answer, she got an interesting look on her face. “I don’t suppose you still have any of that fruit?”

“No, I dropped it when Applejack slammed into me.” I thought for half a second. “But I do have another one from the forest.” I pulled the last of the four out of my pack. It was roughly pear shaped and dark orange. “Not certain I really want to risk eating it after what happened with the last one.”

She pulled it out of my hand with magic and brought it over to her. After a few looks and sniffs, she tenderly took a bite out of it. I got ready to run. For some reason, I didn’t even think about the ring.

The fruit dropped to the floor. Twilight’s eyes went unfocused for a second before zooming in fiercely on me.

I was halfway to the door before I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere and that I was a few feet above the ground.

She slowly floated me closer to her and spun me around to face her. She completely immobilized me so I couldn’t hit her or say anything. I saw a little smile on her face that I remember seeing every time a pony tries to look sexy. I swallowed.

When I was right in front of her, she brought my face down to hers. After a short nuzzle, she gently whispered, “And do you know what happens now, my little human?” After a moment, she dropped me. “Got you!” Oh thank God. “You should have seen the look on your face!” she laughed. I just sagged against the floor. “Oh come on Nav, you know that was funny!”

“You need to work on your people skills, Twilight,” I moaned, trying to work up the energy to get back off the floor again.

“Yeah, but you’re the only person here anyway! The rest of us are ponies, remember?” She paused for a moment. “Blech! That fruit has a horrible aftertaste.” She used magic to pull one of the canteens off of me.

Wait a second… “NO!” I jumped up and grabbed the canteen right before she could drink out of it, jamming my thumb in the stopper.

“Very funny, Nav,” she replied. “Seriously, this tastes terrible.”

“This canteen is full of poison!” Her eyes widened. “It was from one of the plants in the forest. I brought it here so you could study it.” Her eyes widened even further. I pulled a canteen off the part of my body where I left water. “Use this one.”

She looked at it dubiously. “Are you… sure?”

“I filled this one up at Sweet Apple Acres. It’s just water.” She took it and I quickly closed the poison container, sighing gently. I took all the containers full of things for her to study and set them up next to her writing area. After a moment’s thought, I added the fruit as well. I put all the seeds there with everything else. “Be careful of these big seeds. They came from the fruit that Applejack ate.”

“I’ll remember that,” she said, walking over. “What about the rest?” I went through them with her. The rest of that day and night was mostly science-y crap.

A few days into the week found me and Taya chilling next to a lake. Not the one with the giant squid thing in it, but a different one. I was in the lake proper, floating on my back, and she was on the edge practicing magic or something.

Twilight tried to make her stay in the library to do it, but Taya has been getting lessons from Applebloom on how to give a proper sad face. I was happy to get away from the ponies for a bit; they grate on my nerves, after so long in the relatively silent forest.

So there we were, just chilling, when I felt a shadow form over me. I cracked an eye open to see a griffin hovering right above me.

I raised an arm to wave. She looked at it for a moment and landed next to Taya. I rowed myself over to the edge and got out, water dripping from me. The griffin was talking to a noticeably nervous Taya. I reached down to my pile of clothes and picked up a knife from one of the pockets I had hidden in my shirt and began to clean my fingernails, watching the two of them talk.

“So… what is it?” the griffin asked, looking at me.

“He’s a human,” Taya answered. “And my dad.”

The griffin looked at her like she was an idiot. Then her gaze flipped to me and saw me holding a knife. “Can he talk?”

“No, I can’t,” I said, looking at her. With a shrug I added, “Sorry.”

She blinked. “What did you—” she started angrily, but stopped herself with a visible effort. “What are you two doing so near Ponyville?”

“We live there,” I said. “Pretty nice people—er, ponies, I guess. Sometimes a little suspicious of outsiders, but they can get over their suspicions in time.”

She blushed at that for some reason. “Have you heard of any pegasus there named Rainbow Dash?” she asked.

“Yep,” I said. “Blue, rainbow mane, tomboyish? Yeah, I know her.” I pointed up to a cloud you could barely see from here. “She lives there, I think it is.”

The griffin’s eyes followed me finger and nodded. She turned back to me. “What about Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy?”

“Yep to both. Fluttershy lives a few kilometers that way,” I said with a point, “And Pinkie Pie lives in town, in a gingerbread house.” I saw her look. “Yeah, I wish I was joking.” I shrugged. “They make pretty good desserts, though. If you want, I could introduce you to them. But you’d have to give me your name first.”

She blushed again. “Gilda,” she said. “They… They already know me.”

I nodded. “My name’s Navarone. This here’s Taya. You need anything, I reckon I could help with it.” Taya eyed my knife and I gave her a look that said later.

Gilda looked into my eyes. “I… I…” She sighed and dropped her gaze. “I messed up the last time I was here. I totally lost my cool. I almost turned violent, I got so angry… Those are the three ponies I wronged, and I came here to apologize to them. I just… I didn’t know how.”

I shrugged. “Sounds easy enough. Let’s start with Fluttershy, since she’s a total pussy.”

Gilda looked up at me sharply, beak gaping.

“It’s true!” I said. “She’s scared of just about everything. I’d rather get her out of the way first because she’ll be the hardest to talk to.” Her beak closed and she nodded once. “Then we’ll hit Pinkie Pie, because she’s usually easy to find. I’ve never known her to hold a grudge anyway. Rainbow Dash will be the hardest because I never have any idea where she is until I see her.”

“She always was like that…” Gilda muttered. Louder, she said, “For a winged ape thing, you’re pretty alright.”

“Lesson one in not having to come to a town for the sole purpose of making apologies: Call people by their name, not by what you think of them as,” I answered, kneeling down to pick up my shirt, socks, and shoes. “It’s called impulse control.” When I got back up I saw her looking away again. “Taya, do you want to come along?”

“It’s always fun to watch you work, daddy,” she answered.

“You’ve never seen me work, Taya. I kill people for a living.” I turned to a very shocked Gilda. “Shall we?” She was looking considerably less enthusiastic now. “Oh, don’t mind her,” I said, waving my hand at Taya. “She doesn’t actually like watching people get killed.” I paused and turned to Taya. “Wait, do you?”

She pretended to think for a moment before shaking her head.

“Like I said! Now, let’s go find Fluttershy.”

Taya and I had taken a few steps before Gilda jumped to catch up. We walked in silence for a little while, until Gilda finally asked, “What do you mean, you kill things for a living?”

“I’m a royal knight,” I answered, leaving it at that.

We walked in silence for a bit longer before Gilda exclaimed, “I’VE HEARD OF YOU! You were at that party at Maris! You won the tournament!”

“Yeah, that was a pretty fun party. First time I met any griffins. And it was the first time I laid a female dragon, though hopefully not the last time.”

Gilda sniffed. “What, griffin females aren’t good enough for you?” She blushed as soon as she realized what she implied.

I grinned at her. “While I will admit that your kind are a lot fluffier, I think that dragon was quite a bit more flexible. And her claws were mostly retractable, while you might accidentally puncture me in a particularly violent throe of passion. Also, no offense, but kissing a griffin might be a bit… awkward, I guess.”

She blushed more and more at each word.

I continued, because I knew I probably offended her, “Don’t get me wrong: the griffin body is a marvelous creation. But given the options, the dragon seemed a safer bet. Besides, she came to me.” I shrugged. “That made it a lot easier.”

We were silent for a bit longer. “Why… Why are you talking about this so… casually… in front of her?” Gilda finally asked, flicking her eyes to Taya, who wasn’t really paying attention.

“Because ponies are a lot more open about stuff like that. And because Taya isn’t paying attention. And because you looked like someone that was easy to tease and wouldn’t mind it too much.”

She looked down again. “That’s what got me into this situation in the first place…”

“Well, I suppose it’s good that you’re building up a resistance to it,” I answered. Heh, oops. “Still, I’ll cool it. From the sound of it, you’ve had a bit of a tough time of things. No reason for another person to make you uncomfortable.”

“Thanks, Navarone,” she said. “It’s just…” She stopped.

“I know about having a hard life, Gilda,” I said. “So does Taya. We’ve both done things we weren’t proud of. Whatever you say, we won’t judge you out loud for.”

“Won’t judge me out loud?” she repeated. “What happened to just not judging?”

“Hey, I’m not gonna lie: I judge people all the time. But there’s a very big difference between making judgments and acting on them. I’m willing to give you a fair chance despite you needing to apologize to three of my friends. As soon as you said that, I immediately judged you. But I’m still willing to give you a chance. So like I said: By all means, tell us what you want. I’ll still wait and see how you act around me before I form the basis of how I’ll act around you.”

She nodded slowly. “You’re not a pony, that’s for sure.”

“Well, yeah. I thought that was kind of obvious.”

“You really aren’t making this easy on me, are you?” she asked. I think she was starting to get angry.

I sighed. “Sorry, Gilda. I just did a long tour in the forest. My mind is on edge and I’m not thinking right. If you want, I could go get Twilight; she’s better at this sort of thing and she probably won’t be as mean to you.”

She flinched when I said Twilight. “I think that would be a bad idea…” She sighed. “Let’s just say that I’ve been through a lot. Rainbow Dash was an old friend of mine from flight school. I came to visit her here a few years ago and made a total ass of myself. I haven’t seen her since. I want to talk to her, but I know she wouldn’t listen to me if I didn’t apologize to her new friends. And… Well, I felt bad about what I did. They were all dweebs, but that doesn’t excuse how mean I was.”

“Dweeb… That’s a word I haven’t heard in a long, long time.”

“What’s a dweeb?” Taya asked.

“A nerd,” I answered. “Or rather, a person generally considered uncool. Twilight, for example, is a total and irrecoverable dweeb. The way she dances at Pinkie parties would make Gilda here seethe, I imagine.”

“That’s a layman’s definition of a dweeb,” Gilda said. “Good enough for everyday use.” She sighed wistfully. “There was a time when I could tell a dweeb from a nerd at a glance, and know automatically which punishment to dole out… Now, though… Well, I’ve learned that it’s better to accept others despite their oddities.”

“Sounds like you have come a long way,” I said. “And it’s a good thing, too; if you were here to hurt Fluttershy, I’d pluck you and put you in a gibbet in the center of town hall. I’d be more forgiving for Pinkie or Rainbow Dash, though.”

She gave me a glare when I threatened to pluck her. “I’d like to see you try it.”

“If I were a few years younger, I would feel threatened by that. Now, I just don’t care. Just remember that you learned to accept others and there won’t be a problem.”

She nodded stiffly. Silence returned.

Taya finally giggled. “Daddy, she would tear you to pieces.”

Gilda smiled.

After a moment, so did I. “Only if she got close enough,” I answered.

Before I could react, Gilda reached out a talon and pushed me to the ground.

“Foul!” I said, laughing. She held out her talon and helped me back up. “Alright, fine, you’re fast. And those talons are pretty deadly. But give me my tools and enough time and I’d come out on top.”

“Psh. You’re just a sore loser,” Gilda said.

“Oh no,” Taya said. “He’s right about that. Right now, you’d tear him to pieces, but if he was fully ready for a fight, you wouldn’t be walking—or flying—away from it.”

“At least your daughter is occasionally loyal,” Gilda muttered. “So do you have any proof?” she asked.

I pulled out a dagger and bisected a small sapling ten feet away.

“That’s what I can do with a knife,” I said, going to retrieve it. “Imagine what I could do with my main weapons.”

Taya muttered something that I could barely hear. It sounded like, “Not supposed to be carrying any weapons.” I ignored it.

“I’m impressed, Navarone,” Gilda said, looking at the dagger. “I suppose not having any dangerous body parts means you have to improvise.”

I held my hand up and flexed my fingers. “Yeah, we do what we can. I think I’d rather have a dagger or a sword than talons or sharp teeth any day. They might be heavier, but if you have to, you can throw them in a pinch.”

She nodded after a second of thought. “Of course, if you’re fast enough, that shouldn’t be a problem anyway.”

“I’m probably never going to be faster than what shoots out of my main weapon, so that’s hardly an issue.”

She snorted. “You’re just slow. Now, there’s nothing really wrong with that, but still. I’d be somewhat surprised if you could keep up with me in the air at my slowest speed.”

“I don’t get much practice with flying,” I said. “I wasn’t born with these wings, so I usually prefer being on the ground.”

She looked at me with surprise. After a second, she shook her head and muttered, “Damn unicorns.” I had to give her that one.

It was mostly silent after that until we reached Fluttershy’s cottage. “She lives here?” Gilda asked incredulously.

“Yep,” I said. “She likes the nature. Fuck all if I know why she’s living next to that evil forest, though. You ready?”

She sighed. “I’m not so su—” I knocked on the door.

I heard Fluttershy call something, but I couldn’t tell what. I knew Gilda was glaring at me, but I didn’t really care.

Fluttershy’s door opened. “Oh, hi Nav and Taya.” She blinked when she saw Gilda. The door slowly began to close.

“Now Fluttershy, that’s no way to treat guests,” I said.

She closed her eyes for a second and audibly gulped before opening the door again and plastering on a terrible false smile. I face palmed.

“One of these days I am going to have to teach you ponies how to lie and how to wear a poker face. Good God is that pitiful!” I shook my head. “Gilda, go ahead.”

Gilda stepped forward and Fluttershy flinched back. Gilda looked at her funny and moved one of her talons closer. Fluttershy leaned back. Gilda moved her talon back. Fluttershy leaned forward. Gilda did that real quickly and Fluttershy copied her perfectly. Gilda laughed and did it several times in quick succession, Fluttershy matching her perfectly with fear visible on her face.

“Ahem,” I said.

Gilda blushed. “Oh, right… Fluttershy, I came here to apologize… for yelling at you. And scaring you. And almost attacking you. And for thinking your hair was really ugly. Although, now that I see it again, your hair hasn’t ch—”

“Ahem,” I said again.

Gilda blushed. “Right. Sorry. Again… I’m new at this whole…” She looked at me.

“Impulse control and apologizing,” I filled in.

“Right. That.” She smiled awkwardly.

“It’s… It’s okay, G-gilda,” Fluttershy quietly said. “I understand.”

Gilda breathed a sigh of relief. “That was a lot easier than I thought it would be…” she sighed. “And… I feel better already!” Before any of us could react, she jumped in and pulled Fluttershy in a hug.

Fluttershy let off a really cute “Eep!” but returned the hug after a moment.

“See, Taya: This is how normal ponies deal with things,” I said.

“So that’s why you kill people instead?”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s enough of that, I think. Hugs are fun sometimes. Preferably when I’m wearing a shirt, though.”

Their little hug ended. Fluttershy turned to me. “So uh… Why aren’t you wearing most of your clothes, anyway?”

“I was in a lake when Gilda came by. I don’t like wearing wet clothes, so I just didn’t put anything on. None of you ponies wear stuff, so I didn’t figure it would matter.”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t. Just odd, is all. If you would like to stay for lunch, you can!”

I looked at Gilda who looked at me. I shrugged. “If you can eat what she has, by all means; I don’t know what griffins eat.”

Gilda looked inside and saw Angel glaring at her. She turned her gaze back to Fluttershy. “You’re an animal caretaker, right?”

Fluttershy hesitantly nodded.

“Then I think I’ll pass on lunch.” There was a small pause before she blinked and added, “Thank you for the offer, though.” She looked at me for affirmation and I nodded. She did a small talon pump. “Next stop: gingerbread house!”

“Um…” Fluttershy whispered. I looked at her and shook my head. “Okay.”

“I suppose I’ll see you later, Fluttershy,” I said. “I think we have more traveling to do.”

“Good luck, Gilda. And… It’s good that you’re doing this,” Fluttershy said with a bit of a smile.

That out of the way, we turned back to the town. I slipped my shoes and socks on since I didn’t feel like walking on that dirt road. I left my shirt off since it was such a nice day and because fuck the ponies, I do what I want.

“So, you’re not going to get attacked by a mob when we go into town, right?” I asked.

“I… No?” Gilda answered, looking at me with a confused expression. “Ponies don’t do that, do they?”

“Well, I’ve never seen them do it,” I said. “They’re… Well, they’re actually mostly cowards. It’s a good thing they have Celestia and magic.”

Gilda looked pensive for a moment before shaking her head. “I rarely get to see magic. Is it really that powerful?”

“Taya here turned a room into a furnace once on accident back when she was just discovering her powers,” I said. “I imagine she could probably destroy half of Ponyville right now if she really wanted to.”

Taya looked down, blushing slightly.

Gilda looked at her with a new respect. “That would be something to see, right there. Not that I want to see it,” she hastily amended.

We made it to town. I noticed we were getting quite a few stares. I wonder how many of them were for Gilda and how many of them were for my shirtless body.

“This place usually isn’t too crowded,” I said. “Pinkie might be in, she might not; she gets out a lot.”

“Well, I remember her being pretty… noticeable,” Gilda commented, looking around. “Navarone, why are they all staring at us?”

“Because I’m a sexy beast,” I said flatly.

She snorted. “Right, and I’m a fluffy pony.”

“Well, you are fluffy,” I said. “But if you’re a pony, I’m pretty sure you fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way.”

“If you’re just going to keep calling me ugly, I can do this myself, Nav,” she replied somewhat sourly.

“Hey, I never said you were ugly! I just said that griffins are dangerous looking and that if you’re a pony, you are a very ugly pony. I have no idea how you look.”

She blinked. “What do you mean? Are you blind or something?”

“I’m a member of a different species. I have no idea how anything other than humans look in terms of attractiveness or ugliness. I can tell you that from a human standpoint, you have many traits we consider beautiful, but I don’t know if you’re attractive.” Taya giggled.

Gilda was about to respond when we heard a very loud and very accusatory “NAVARONE!” Oh shit… It was Rarity.

I slowly turned, plastering a smile on my face. “Yes, Rarity?” I asked.

She was looking at my stomach with serious disapproval. Dammit, I forgot about that! I checked. Yep, still starving. Her eyes went up to my face. I made sure to keep my best fake smile on.

Rarity marched right up to me, completely disregarding Taya and Gilda. “What did I tell you about eating?” she demanded. I opened my mouth to respond but didn’t get the chance. “Why are you still so ridiculously unhealthy?” I tried again but was cut off. “You are coming with me right now!”

I blinked. I looked down at Gilda to see she was sniggering. I looked back up at Rarity just in time to catch her horn glowing and wrapping me in a field of magic.

“Rarity, can we talk about this?” I tried asking.

“We most certainly will talk about this! Right after you eat!” she said, dragging me off.

“Can we at least go to Sugarcube Corner? I need to talk to Pinkie Pie.”

We stopped. “Yes… Those unhealthy sweets will be much better at putting something back on your horrid frame.” We changed directions. “Oh, hello Gilda. What brings you back to Ponyville?”

Gilda was beginning to regain her composure after seeing me dragged away like that. “Oh, I’m just here to make amends for my behavior the last time,” she said. “Nav here is helping me do that.”

Rarity looked up at me. “Is that so? Hm.” She paused for a moment. “Well, he can help you just as well on a full stomach.”

Taya said, “Giving him a full stomach would take hours, Rarity.”

“I’m right here, ladies,” I said.

“Yes,” Rarity replied, “But you obviously aren’t able to take care of yourself, so we’re going to do it for you.” Ouch.

“That wasn’t very nice, Rarity,” I said.

“And it wouldn’t be very nice to let you kill yourself, now would it?” she replied.

I sighed. “Then can we fucking go? You should know by now that I hate being held by magic.”

She frowned at me. “Let me hold your ring and I’ll let you go.”

“The only place you can hold my ring is on your horn. And you threatened to beat me to death if I did that again.”

Gilda asked, “What’s this about a ring?”

Taya explained, “It makes him immune to magic.” Gilda blinked.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Fine. Then you can be held in magic until we get there.” We started off again.

“Just follow me, Gilda. I suppose we’ll get there eventually. Even if Rarity is slower than I am,” I said.

Rarity sniffed at that, and seemed to slow down even more.

I sighed. “Oh woe is me!” I said. “I feel the onset of starvation… I think I’m just about to… to… Blech!”

Taya giggled and Gilda smiled. Rarity rolled her eyes and sped up to a more reasonable pace.

When we got to the shop, Rarity looked at me expectantly for a moment before blinking and turning to the door. “Since Navarone is in no position to be a gentle-colt…” she muttered and opened the door, stepping inside and dragging me behind her.

Ah, the smells of the bakery. It’s a wonderful place, full of good food and happy people. It would be a lot better if I wasn’t being forced into a chair at a large table.

“Rarity, this is hardly very polite,” I said. Mrs. Cake behind the counter was looking at our little group with confusion: A griffin that apparently caused quite a stir a few years ago, a little unicorn filly, a half-naked starved human, and a very haughty looking Rarity to complete it.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “We’ve been over this, Nav,” she answered, walking up to the counter. She dropped some coins on the table. “Something to put some meat on his bones,” she told Mrs. Cake while pointing to me. “And do you know if Pinkie Pie is in?”

Mrs. Cake looked at Gilda with a worried expression, biting her lip slightly. “She’s… upstairs.” She visibly relaxed when I nodded at her. I don’t know what it is, but some ponies seem reassured by my presence and my favor nowadays. Not all of them, not by a long shot, but the ones in Ponyville that know of me tend to be. Fuck all if I know why.

Rarity turned back to our group and walked over. Gilda had claimed a chair to my right. Rarity claimed the one to my left. “Taya, would you mind going to get Pinkie?” she asked.

Taya looked up to me and I nodded. “Second room on the left, I believe,” I told her.

Taya walked off and Gilda sniggered at my knowledge. “And you said you don’t find other races attractive,” she said with a smile.

I shrugged. “I spent a few weeks as a pony because of a magical accident. I don’t know if they look attractive, but they sure thought I did.” I gave Rarity a short glare. “It led to a lot of shenanigans.”

Rarity giggled. “Oh come now, Nav! You know I look fabulous.”

“Rarity, you’re currently naked,” I said. “Reserve that word for when you’re showing off some ridiculous outfit.” She sniffed at that but was saved from replying by the arrival of food.

“Eat, Nav,” she told me.

“Oh come on, Gilda missed lunch!” I said. “You can’t expect me to eat all of this myself.” And it was quite a lot to eat, at that. Cupcakes, pie, cookies, chocolate milk. All manner of other things. “Seriously, how much did this cost?”

Rarity waved a hoof at me. “Cost doesn’t mean anything when it comes to your health, Nav. Besides, you don’t even know how much money I took from the pile back when you forced us to take money from you.” Gilda spit out cookie crumbs at that, but Rarity kept going. “For all you know, this is just me paying you back.”

“Yeah, but forcing you to take money from that pile was my way of paying all of you back for everything you were all too proud to accept repayment for.”

Rarity growled slightly. “If you don’t start eating, I’m going to start shoving stuff down your throat.”

“Sadist…” I muttered while grabbing a cookie.

Gilda was staring at me. I took a bite and stared right back.

“You… you reverse mugged her?” she finally croaked. “And she’s mad at you for it?”

“Yes,” I answered. Swallowing, I continued, “Now you know why I found a dragon at that party instead of a mare; they’re crazy.”

“That isn’t the sound of chewing, Navarone!” Rarity said, glaring daggers at me. I sighed and took another bite.

“See?” I said while chewing. “Total slave drivers. S’what comes from being ruled by two princesses.”

Gilda was smiling again and Rarity was still glaring at me when Pinkie came down the stairs, followed by Taya.

“Thank God you’re here, Pinkie!” I exclaimed. “Rarity is forcing me to do something terrible!”

Pinkie looked at me. Then she looked at Gilda. Then she looked at Rarity. Her eyes finally settled back on me. “And what is she forcing you to do?”

“Eat!” I moaned, waving a hand at the full table.

Pinkie Pie blinked. She shook her head and sighed. “This is a new low for you, Rarity,” she finally said. “I mean, that one time when he was a pony—now that was bad. But this? Truly horrendous. You ought to be ashamed.”

I nodded my head and Rarity looked at her with disappointment.

Pinkie put on a massive smile. “I mean, you didn’t even invite me this time!” She bounced over to the table and sat across from me.

“Traitor…” I muttered while taking another bite. Rarity beamed at Pinkie and then gave me an even more menacing glare.

Gilda was staring at Pinkie. I saw that Taya joined the table some time during Pinkie’s little spiel, pulling a chair up with magic.

Pinkie Pie pushed cupcakes in front of all four of us. “You all need to eat,” she said. “I made these myself!”

I looked down at mine. “Is it Rainbow Dash flavored?” I asked. It was colored like her, that’s for sure: Blue cupcake with rainbow colored icing.

“Oh no,” Pinkie said, “These aren’t nearly as sweet as she is!”

We all blinked at that. I don’t want to know and I’m not going to ask.

Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and instead grabbed something off the full table.

It was a relatively pleasant—and incredibly unhealthy—lunch. Like, even the most lenient grandmother would be ashamed to be seen giving what we ate to their grandkids.

It was awesome.

When the table was empty, Pinkie finally broached the subject at hand: “So Gilda, what brings you back to town?”

Cue the awkward silence.

It wasn’t so much the topic that made it awkward as it was how she said it: Completely innocent, like nothing had even happened. It was Pinkie Pie at her best. And creepiest. There are times I think she has what people think the memory of a goldfish is, and if she wasn’t occasionally disturbingly serious, I would think that all the time.

Gilda looked to me. I nodded. She turned to Pinkie. “I’m back in town to apologize for the things I did the last time I was here,” she said.

We all looked at her for a moment. “And?” I finally said.

She blinked. “I’m sorry for what I did, Pinkie,” she said. “I was… being selfish, I suppose. And kind of a jerk. And a few other words that describe things that are bad.” Now that is something I would say.

Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and nodded superciliously. “Yes you were. All of the above.” She opened her eyes and beamed wide. “And I forgive you!” She somehow reached her legs around all of us and pulled us in close for a group hug.

No, I don’t know how. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know it isn’t physically possible. Things don’t have to be physically possible for Pinkie Pie to do them.

When she finally let us go, I turned to Gilda. “You really are fluffy!” I commented. I was pulled into her during the hug and she ruffled her feathers a few times, rubbing them quite nicely against my chest.

She blinked. “Yeah, well… Don’t get used to it,” she said, blushing slightly.

Pinkie and Rarity giggled at her discomfort. Rarity said, “Don’t worry about it, Gilda: He flirts with everypony. Or rather, every mare.”

“That’s just because I can’t tell which of you is ugly,” I replied with a smile.

Rarity smacked me with magic. “That’s for all three of us,” she said with a sniff. Pinkie Pie and Gilda nodded in agreement.

I turned to Taya. “They’re teaming up on me! Are you going to just let your father take all this abuse?”

She pretended to think about it for a moment before nodding. “I’m sure that whatever they’re doing to you, you deserve it.”

The three ladies smiled even wider.

“Can’t even trust family any more…” I muttered. “Fine! I can see when I’m not wanted!” I stood, only to be forced back down by magic.

“Who said anything about not wanting you, dear?” Rarity asked with a disturbing smile.

Pinkie mimicked that smile. “I think we’ve already made our desires clear, Nav,” she said.

Gilda put on her own smile and ran a talon lightly down my chest. “I think I could show you that griffins don’t always have to be dangerous…”

I knew what they were trying to do and I knew what the proper response was: Acting incredibly flustered.

So instead I put on my suave grin, throwing the ball back into my court. “Ladies, please! If we are going to continue this discussion, I’m going to have to ask that we let Taya cover her ears.” Come on, bail me out! Without a word, Taya held her ears down with her hooves. Traitor! I kept my smile on. “Now, there’s a nice, empty room just upstairs for any of the three of you willing to own up to your words.”

They looked at each other. They looked back to me. Oh shit, what have I done? I just kept that same smile on.

Rarity finally rolled her eyes. “You win this round, Nav,” she said. “But only because I have a big order I need to work on!” She stood and waltzed out, shaking her rump more than strictly necessary.

Pinkie shared a look with Gilda. That look turned into a smile.

We’re about to find out what happens when an idiot plays chicken with an insane mare and a proud predator.

Pinkie bent down to Taya and whispered something in her ear. Taya said, “See you later, daddy!” and left me behind.

Pinkie Pie bent back up. “Nav, you uh… You might want to take off your pants.”

I hate being a man of my word. “In the middle of the shop?” I asked. “We should probably go upstairs first.” Two chairs pushed out. Pinkie and Gilda stood. I closed my eyes for a moment. I stood up, still wearing that little smile. Welp, this could have gone better.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

Pinkie Pie was wearing a grin I want to describe as predatory, but that seems wrong for an herbivore.

Mrs. Cake was glaring at us. “If you’re going to be doing what I think you’re going to be doing, you better get out of my sight before I rethink letting you go.” She shifted her eyes to Pinkie. “I really need to stop letting you do this, Pinkie…” She shook her head and went to a back room just long enough for us to clear out of the main shop and head up the stairs.

“Coming, Gilda?” Pinkie called as she and I were heading up the stairs. Why am I doing this?

Gilda blinked and shook her head. “Yeah, sure…” She started up the stairs behind us, her talons clicking on the wooden floor.

When we got to Pinkie’s room, I noticed again how… pink… it was. No shit, Sherlock. Gilda looked around, unimpressed. Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?

Pinkie spoke up, “Normally I would say we take turns, but the best way to forgive somepony is to befriend them, and friends always share!”

We were looking at her like she was a retard.

“Pinkie,” I said, “Unless you know a lot more about sex than most of the ponies I’ve bedded before… Actually, never mind. You probably do.” I shook my head slipped my pants off before lying on the bed. Maybe they’ll back down.

“Guests first!” Pinkie said, waving at me with a smile.

When Pinkie woke up this morning, I bet she fully, 100% expected this to happen.

Gilda looked at me with growing interest. I started thinking about some of the things I’ve done in the past and I began growing. It didn’t take me long to get fully hard. Gilda whistled a bit. “I’ve never fucked a monkey before,” she admitted. “I guess there’s a first time for everything… Assuming you can keep up, that is.” She began to move toward me with a gleam in her eyes.

I suppose I should point this out, to anyone not familiar with griffin physiology: Male griffins have a dick about the size of my thumb and they’re covered in barbs. I’d honestly be somewhat surprised if I could even fit in her.

“Before we get started,” I said, “I feel I should warn you: I have this weird stamina thing going on.” Pinkie’s smile grew even wider. “I ran afoul of a magical curse that gave me some insane stamina and a strong immunity to pain and pleasure. And a few other talents, but those aren’t important.”

Gilda’s smile turned evil. “We’ll see about that, Nav. It’s a good thing you’re letting me be on top, because I’m going to ride you like a pogo stick!”

How does she know what a pogo stick is? She pounced on me. “Luckily for you, Pinkie, I actually do know how to share,” she said as she straddled me. “Come on over.” Pinkie trotted over, still grinning. “I think Nav knows what he’s in for…”

I did indeed. Well, tongue, you’ve gotten me through stranger. Gilda casually picked Pinkie up and placed her on my upper body, facing Gilda. Glad I didn’t have to fight her after all, if she’s that strong!

“Now, let’s rock this stud’s world, shall we?”

Pinkie giggled, and lowered herself to my face. So this is what happens when no one is willing to lose in a game of chicken. I gently extended my tongue and slurped at her pussy. Pinkie let out a small gasp. I felt a warm feeling envelope my manhood. I shuddered slightly and gave Pinkie another long lick.

She giggled. “Been a little while since I had anypony doing this to me,” she said, her voice melting with lust. I moved my tongue forward and took a little nip at her clit. She shuddered. I nuzzled her clit a bit with my tongue and managed to get it between my lips, toying with it. I noticed how sweet Pinkie Pie was, her honeypot actually reminding me of honey.

At the same time, I felt Gilda slowly bobbing up and down on me. I tried to thrust to match paces with her, but this was my first double team and I was somewhat inexperienced with that kind of multitasking; I knew it was either full attention on Pinkie or full attention on Gilda, and either way the performance of the other would suffer.

In the end, I settled on Pinkie, since Gilda could still ride me without my participation. I kept the attention on Pinkie going. I heard her moans building up, and I was kind of hoping it was a slow day for the Cakes so no one heard us.

My mind was a bit out there, so it was a surprise when Pinkie exploded in my face, plastering my unshaven beard to my skin with her mare juices. I kept licking, trying to down the juices as they came. Holy shit, this is like drinking sugar water! I went at her with renewed vigor, now that I knew how she would taste. I guess Twilight wasn’t wrong all those years ago when she said Pinkie Pie would be the sweetest of them.

I couldn’t stifle a giggle at the thought of Twilight servicing Pinkie as I was now. Pinkie moaned deeper when she felt the giggle.

Gilda, though, misinterpreted it. “You laughing at us, Nav?” she asked. “Think we’re toying with you?” I felt two talons on my stomach as she lifted herself and slammed back down on me. She kept that pace up for a while, giving me no small amount of pleasure.

But I meant what I said: I could keep going for hours. It sucks, honestly, not feeling things as I should be able to.

I kept going on Pinkie, dragging my tongue across and into her folds, doing my best to reach what I could with my tongue. Pinkie was grinding my face, trying to force as much out of me as she could get. With a frustrated groan, she mewled, “Switch places!”

Gilda and I had time to feel confused before Gilda was pulled off me mid-pump and somehow Pinkie found herself dick-deep on me. Gilda was now straddling my face, giving me an unexpected nose full of fur.

“W-what just happened?” Gilda asked, sounding as confused as I felt. I was trying my best not to sneeze and just barely managed to succeed. The sensations Pinkie was now causing helped with that, I’m sure. It felt like she was a freaking jackhammer, as fast as she was bouncing. “Well, don’t look a gift pony in the mouth,” Gilda sighed. “Get to work, Nav.” I felt her talons settle on my chest.

I shrugged and spread my wings, hoping Gilda would get the hint as I started tasting griffin. Not too bad, but I think I preferred Pinkie. Heh, tastes like chicken. I kept going at it, regardless. Despite not knowing much about how griffins work down there, I think I did a reasonable job.

As it turns out, griffins can’t moan. She let out a chirping noise that actually slowed Pinkie down from her jackhammering, which I was quite thankful for. Me, I like it slow and steady. It gives my numbed organ a chance to actually feel.

And it gave Pinkie a chance to notice my wings. She giggled. “I think he wants you to—oooh, yeah—rub his wings!”

“What would that do?” Gilda asked, beginning to grind into me. I took the hint and worked her clit a bit and she sighed out.

“Silly, wings are super sensi—Oh Celestia yes!” She hilted one last time and began grinding as she came yet again. I felt her walls ripple and convulse around me, getting me to sigh out against Gilda’s tender spots, making her shudder in desire and start grinding yet again. Two for none. Let’s get Gilda, shall we?

I went at her with a renewed vigor and she rewarded me with slowly dragging her talons across my wings. I felt my feathers ruffle as her talons hit some pleasure nodes. She felt that and began focusing on those areas until she had the spots narrowed down.

Pinkie was doing something strange to my member. I couldn’t exactly see what she was doing with a griffin in my way, but I know it felt good. It wasn’t until Gilda spoke up that I found out what she was doing. “I don’t know why you’re cleaning it off. If he’s still good to go it’ll be getting wet again in just a sec—” I attacked her clit mid-word to see what would happen and she let off a squawk that made me really hope the Cakes didn’t have any customers. I felt my face get coated as her body tensed and her talons poked harshly at the nodes on my wings. I gave an involuntary thrust, which apparently forced me deeper down Pinkie’s throat.

I felt a moan resonating in Pinkie’s mouth, giving me a wonderful sensation across my manhood. I may not like Pinkie, but at least she knows how to suck a cock.

I could keep going for hours, but since they both got their fun I focused mostly on my pleasure, just raking my tongue across Gilda’s snatch slowly.

I was really getting into it when the door opened and in walked Mr. Cake. “Pinkie, can you keep it d—Oh sweet Celestia what!” I felt and heard Pinkie pulling off of me with a loud pop.

“Oh uh… hi Mr. Cake. I was just… Buck it, there’s no way to sugarcoat this. I’m rutting a friend with a friend. Can you go away now?”

“Pinkie, this is not a brothel! You can’t just… We have customers, for Celestia’s sake! Get those two out of here! Pinkie, you and I need to have a talk.”

“Hey!” Gilda exclaimed. “You can’t just make us leave!”

“It’s his shop,” I said. “He kind of can. But, like, can you wait a few minutes? I was sooo close!”

His left eye twitched.

When Gilda and I picked ourselves up from the heap outside Sugarcube Corner’s front door, we shared a look. “Well, let’s go find someplace private,” she sighed. “Might as well finish this.”

“Oh thank God, I thought you were going to leave me hanging.” Thankfully, I had time to put on my pants before we were cast out. “Lake?”

She shrugged. “Sure, why not. Last one there gets to be the bottom.” She shot her wings out and jumped into the air. I was following her before what she said really registered. Oh, it’s so on!

I shot ahead of her for all of about three seconds before she left me in the air. She was at the lake half a minute ahead of me, mocking me the whole way.

“These wings aren’t made for speed,” I said as I tucked them in. “I can’t fly fast.”

“Sounds like whining to me. Shall we?” I sighed and found a relatively comfortable spot on the ground. I was able to get hard easily enough. “Now then, where were we?”

“We were fucking. Now can you please get on me? Blueballs fucking suck.”

“Don’t look blue to me,” she whispered, positioning herself on top of me. With a gentle sigh she lowered herself down. “Much better, having you all to myself.” I felt my wings slowly stretch out as she took a nice, slow pace. She took her talons off my stomach and leaned over to run them across my wings. She grinned darkly as she gently prodded at the nodes, making me shudder in desire. “I want you to beg for release.”

The slow and steady pace she was going was getting to me, admittedly, but she was still tender from before. She was already panting. I grinned, knowing I could outlast her even now. She took that grin for the challenge it was and started picking up speed, thinking it would increase my pleasure. The pinpricks her talons were giving me increased as she pressed down harder, making my wings go completely stiff. I grunted as she gave one hard pump, going down to the base and grinding.

With an avian screech, she came yet again. Her convulsions slammed her talons down onto my wings, increasing the pleasure so much it was nearly pain. I felt my back arching a bit as she continued trying to milk my manhood. A minute passed like that, my pleasure going tenfold and hers still showing. I felt myself so close to release I could almost taste it.

And then we heard voices. “Hey, get offa Nav!” Sweetie Belle’s adorable voice called.

“You’re hurting him!” Scootaloo yelled.

“Don’t make me go get mah brother!”

I knew God had forsaken me. And here was my proof.

Gilda tore her eyes away from me and looked up at the girls. “Go away. This isn’t… any of your… business,” she panted.

“It is if you’re hurting our friend,” Applebloom said, running up to my side. The others followed.

“She’s not… hurting me… Go away!”

“Then why are you panting in pain?” Scootaloo asked.

“That’s not… pain,” Gilda answered, still weary.

“Then why’s his face all scrunched up like that!” Sweetie Belle demanded.

“Adult… reasons,” I said. “Go away, dammit!” I feel that I should mention that Gilda was still on top of me, with me inside of her. I don’t know how these girls were this innocent, unless they were just doing this to make me suffer.

“Not until you tell us what you’re doing and why you look like you’re hurt,” Scootaloo said.

“I’m not… giving you that talk,” I said. I looked up to Gilda. “None of them can fly well. Shall we skedaddle?”

She sighed. “I’m not stopping next time. Don’t care who finds us.” She wrapped her talons around my body and used her powerful hind legs to push us into the air without letting the girls see anything. I just barely managed to grab my pants before we took off. We heard their shouts as they tried to catch up. Scootaloo could barely fly, so we didn’t have to worry about much. I slid my pants on as we were flying, not even bothering with the belt.

“If they’re here, the schoolhouse is empty,” I shouted above the passing air. She let me go, letting me fly on my own. I led the way there. Thankfully, the school was empty and unlocked. We casually threw desks aside before she threw me on the floor and jumped back on me. I was still hard from our previous interruption, so we didn’t have to waste any time. She just got going right away.

“This little town is getting on my—hng—nerves.”

I agreed, but I didn’t trust myself to talk. I was seeing spots, I was so close to fucking cumming. Orgasm denial is not my fetish, but by God, this was going to be a big one. She had her talons on my wings again and everything was finally going perfectly.

Just as I finally got my release the door opened. “What’s that so—” Big Mac walked in. He saw me finally climaxing, pumping my seed into a griffin that was wearing her own o-face and screeching like a damn eagle. “Nope.” I heard the door slam shut and a female asking some kind of question. The “Nope”s got louder and louder as he pulled her away, trying to drown out the avian screech.

Well, I thought as I finally rode down the waves of one of my most intense orgasms, at least Big Mac got himself a lady.

“As fun as that was,” Gilda said, finally pulling herself off me, “I don’t think I want to try that in public again. Next time we can just go to the evil forest or something.”

“Agreed,” I sighed.

(Sex is over)

A while later, I was leading Gilda back to the library. “And we’ll never speak of this again,” I said right as we got there.

“If you say so, Nav,” she smirked. “I, for one, thought it was quite enjoyable. And I know Pinkie agreed, if her m—”

“That’s enough of that,” I said, opening the door. “Twilight,” I called, “Do you know where Rainbow is?”

Twilight came out of one of the side wings of the library and saw me half-dressed. Then she saw Gilda and gasped. “Nav… did you… With…”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to form complete sentences, Twilight,” I said. “I don’t speak broken English.”

“What’s English?” Gilda asked.

“The language we’re speaking,” I said. “It’s called English in my world.”

“Huh. That’s convenient.”

“Nav, why are you mostly naked?” Twilight finally managed to ask.

“Because reasons, Twilight,” I answered. “Now do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

She gave me a womanly look. “I’ll tell you when you tell me why you’re so undressed. And when you tell me why Gilda is in town.”

“She’s here to make amends,” I said. “As for me being mostly naked, well…” I shrugged.

Gilda rolled her eyes. “He wanted a booty call,” she said, slapping my ass.

I was blushing about as fiercely at that as Twilight was, but I had a better reason. “Well Twilight, there you go. Now can you answer my question?”

She looked up. “Just so I’m sure… what’s a booty call?”

I opened my mouth to answer but Gilda beat me to it: “Free sex with no strings attached,” she answered.

I waved a hand. “There you go. Now can you help us or not?”

Twilight muttered something that I’m sure was mean, but I didn’t listen. She finally got over it. “Nav, we’re going to have a talk when you get back,” she promised.

“Yeah, I know I’m a bad father. Yes, I know I left Taya while I had sex. I told you all that I’d be a terrible father, so you don’t need to let me know I’m living up to it. Now, we need to find Rainbow Dash. I don’t suppose you know where she is?”

If Twilight was a human she would be rubbing her temple right now. She finally said, “Put a shirt on,” and stormed off to the next floor and presumably her room.

“What’s eating her?” Gilda asked as I walked to the door.

“She’s clingy,” I answered.

“Wait, you two aren’t… dating, are you?”

“Oh God no,” I said. “That would be a match made in hell. Now let’s go find Rainbow Dash.”

Gilda looked me up and down. “Do you want to put a shirt on first?”

“Eh… Nah. It’s warm outside. The only thing that keeps me from freeballin’ is that I don’t have any cover down there.” I stepped outside and she followed.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Nav. Let’s go get this last one over with. And trust me when I say there won’t be a repeat performance with Dashie; she’s… not like that.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said.

“She’s finally opened up?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Not any of my business.”

She slowly nodded. “Not any of mine, either.”

“She lives in a floating house somewhere around town. It’s a pretty big place, hard to miss. We’ll check there first.”

We walked in silence for a spell. I think the only time I had actually seen Rainbow Dash at home was when she kidnapped me that one time, so I really wasn’t expecting her to be there.

So it came as no surprise when she wasn’t. I turned to Gilda with a shrug. “I almost never see her here anyway,” I said. “When she’s not working, she occasionally helps Applejack down at the farm. If we don’t find her there we can ask around, I guess. Just keep an eye to the sky since she’s usually flying.”

We started off to the farm in silence again.

I would like to take a moment to describe silence. It is a beautiful instrument, and can be used to express any emotion that it’s possible to feel. Two lovers can hold each other in silence, their love expressed in the simple act of holding each other. Two enemies can glare at each other in silence and express their hate in the simple act of staring. Two friends can share a moment in silence, knowing nothing needs to be said since they are so close.

And two people that just met, barely know each other, decided offhand to have sex, and decided to still hang out for a while can share a special kind of silence: The semi-awkward one.

That silence is my least favorite. So I suppose you can understand why I was happy when she asked, “So why are you helping me, anyway?”

I stopped being happy she asked after I thought about it.

“Because you asked for help,” I answered after a moment.

“You said you were a royal knight, though. I expect that means you’re often busy. And you said you just got done with a tour in the Everfree forest, which I remember as being a terrible place. So you’re taking time out of your off day to help a griffin you don’t know do something she has no experience with involving some of your best friends.”

“All of that is true,” I replied. “What of it?”

“Why? Why are you being so nice?”

The silence returned. After a moment I shrugged. “You looked like you needed the help more than I needed time off,” I finally said.

Our silence was less awkward after that.

We made it to the farm in pretty good time. Gilda was huffing a bit, though; I don’t think she was used to walking so much. When we finally crested the last hill before the farm, she asked, “So why aren’t we flying?”

“Because we’re there,” I answered, pointing to the fields of apple trees and whatnot.

She looked at the winding road leading up to the main entrance. Her gaze followed the very short fence all the way up to us. She ended by looking at me.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” We stretched our wings and flew to the farmhouse. I landed lightly and she landed with a small thud. I went up to knock on the door.

Nothing.

I turned and shrugged. “Granny Smith might be here, but if she is she might not have heard the door. We can search the fields; they might be out there somewhere.”

Gilda looked around. “There’s an orange pony a kilometer that way,” she said, pointing.

I looked and couldn’t see a thing through the trees. “If you say so. Good a place as any to start looking.” Hey, I’m not about to question someone with literal eagle eyes when they say they see something.

I started heading out that way. Gilda cleared her throat loudly and spread her wings when I turned to face her. “I told you I wasn’t born with these,” I said, stretching mine as well. We took off again.

It was a short hop to where we were going, and I think we scared Applejack when we got there. She was lost in her own world, kicking the shit out of trees to make apples fall. We kind of fell out of the sky right next to her.

“Hey AJ, do you know where Rainbow Dash is?” I asked.

She jumped. “Where did y’all come from?” she asked, blinking.

“Well you see, when a woman and a man really love each other,” I started.

“Or get really drunk,” Gilda interjected. It didn’t occur to me at the time to ask her how she knew about being drunk.

“They have sex,” I said.

“And it’s usually pretty fun, unless the guy is terrible at it.”

“Or the girl is being a hormonal bitch.”

“Anyway, if they’re idiots and don’t use protection, the dude drops a little something in the girl,” she said.

“And that impregnates her. Nine months later, you get a baby!” I finished.

“Or a clutch of eggs,” Gilda added.

Applejack was looking at us like she just wanted to give up on life.

“So anyway,” I said, “Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

She looked suspiciously at Gilda. “Why do you wanna know?”

“I found an old friend of hers that wants to talk,” I said. “And it’s hard to talk to someone when you can’t find them. Also… why are you bucking an apple tree in May? Can you really get apples from it right now?”

“Gotta stay in practice,” she answered. “As for Rainbow Dash, I don’t know if I should tell y’all. Last I remember of her,” she said with a motion to Gilda, “she was getting told off by Rainbow Dash herself.”

Gilda looked down. “I just wanted to apologize,” she said to the dirt.

Applejack looked up at me. “Is that true, sugarcube?”

I shrugged. “She already apologized to Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. She went all out with Pinkie’s apology, too. We probably would have been here an hour earlier if she hadn’t.”

“Do I wanna know?”

I looked at Gilda, who was still intently studying the dirt. “Probably not,” I finally said. “So, do you know where she is?”

She pointed up. Rainbow Dash was sleeping in the tree.

“First, how did we not notice her? Second, how do you not wake her up by kicking that thing? And third, what happens if you knock her down?”

“Can’t answer the first two,” Applejack said. “But I know if I make the third one come true, I get my prize.” She gave off a wide grin. Nope nope nope, don’t want to know.

“Hey Gilda,” I said. She looked up at me. I pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Found her.” Her gaze followed my finger.

She suddenly looked nervous. “This is going to be the hardest one all day,” she sighed. She turned her gaze to the open sky. “It’s not too late for me to just leave…” she muttered.

“You’ve made it this far,” I said. “Why not finish this?”

She sighed and I knew she was about to spin a sob story when Applejack rolled her eyes and kicked the tree one last time. Rainbow Dash tumbled out of the tree and landed on me.

“Damn ponies,” I muttered. “Why are they so heavy?”

“Whuzat?” Rainbow Dash yelled, leaning up and looking around. “Oh, hi Nav! You’re pretty soft.” She looked around some more and saw Gilda. She didn’t say anything out of either shock or anger; I couldn’t tell because she was currently sitting on me.

“Uh, hi Rainbow Dash,” Gilda finally said.

“What are you doing here?” Rainbow Dash asked testily. Yeah, don’t even consider getting off of me.

“I wanted to… to apologize,” she said. “I was being incredibly selfish the last time I was here. I went through some stuff afterwards and well… It made me rethink some things.” The sooner you get her off me, the better. I didn’t want to interrupt their moment, though.

“I don’t know,” Rainbow said. “You were really mean to some of my friends. And I remember you threatening them.”

“I made up for it!” she said. “You can ask him!” She pointed at me.

Rainbow Dash looked down. “Nav, what are you doing down there?”

“You fucking landed on me,” I answered.

“Oh yeah. Well, did she make it up to them?”

“Yes. Now can you get off me?”

“How did she make it up to them?”

“She gave Fluttershy a hug. You probably don’t want to know what we did with Pinkie.”

Rainbow Dash blinked. “You know, you’re probably right. Pinkie always was a strange pony.” She looked back up to Gilda. Dammit, get off me! “Anypony that can overlook all the pride you used to have to come to a small town they were publicly humiliated in to apologize is alright in my books, Gilda,” she said.

“Great,” I said. “Now get the fuck off me.”

Rainbow Dash looked back down. “Make me,” she taunted.

“Applejack, you may now claim your prize,” I said.

Rainbow Dash was tackled off me. They went rolling in the dirt. Gilda watched with a small smile on her face. “See you ladies later, I suppose,” I said, standing up. I left before I could see anything I wouldn’t be interested in.

Chapter Forty-Two—Injuries and mixing medicines

Chapter Forty-Two—Injuries and mixing medicines

I was on the third cycle of week in and week out when it went to hell. I was heading back into the forest on foot, when I heard a very familiar squeal of terror. Fluttershy. I started cutting through the forest in what I was hoping was the direction she was in.

She screamed again, giving me a more accurate idea of where she was. I pushed even harder to try to get to her. If I could, I would have flown through the mess.

I finally caught sight of her, running along one of the few roads in the forest. Behind her was… nothing. I pushed out on the road. “What are you runnin—” She didn’t even stop. I looked behind her again, trying to see anything.

There! Was that… was that a dot darting about in the air? Wait. It was a lot of dots darting about in the air. I barely had time to make out the basic shape of a bear before it rushed past. A bear made of dots. Or stars. I remembered what Spike had said about the critter made of stars with no skin or blood. Looks like I found one of them. Don’t know why it’s out during day, but I also didn’t have much time to think about it: Fluttershy’s fear-induced speed was incredible, but this thing was a giant bear made of stars.

I had no way of keeping up with it, so I took aim as fast as I could. I know it had no skin. I was hoping to hit a star or something. Anything to slow it down or cause it to stop. I lined up a shot and my efforts were rewarded with a massive roar that sent shivers down my spine and forced another squeal from Fluttershy. The bear shifted to face the new threat. Seeing nothing because of my ability to hide from critters, it ran off into the woods to look for its attacker.

I followed Fluttershy, hoping she would get tired or slow down or notice that it was gone. It took her a while, and we were almost out of the forest, but she finally did.

“N-n-Navarone?” she weakly asked, panting.

“The same. Whatever the fuck that thing was, we left it in the dust. I hope. You need to get out of this forest.”

“I have to see Zecora, though!”

“You don’t need to see her enough to risk dying to do it. Tell me what you need and I’ll get it for you. Right after I show you out of this place.”

“How do you know the Ursa Minor won’t attack you?”

“Because I’m mostly tree. I shot him to draw his attention off you, and when he turned to look at me, he didn’t even see me.”

“I wish I could be a tree…” She swished her tail. “But the thing I need to talk to Zecora about is… personal.”

“Well, that’s what friends are for. I am not letting you stay in this forest with that thing running around, and who knows what else besides.” To punctuate that, we heard howling in the distance. She squealed again, and tried huddling against me. I reloaded the crossbow. “Let’s go.” We went. As I said, we were near the edge of the forest, so it only took about fifteen minutes to walk out. If I had let her, she would have sped out of the forest like a bullet.

“So, what am I getting from Zecora?” I asked when we hit the edge. “Tea, perhaps?”

She gave me a very embarrassed look, and a nod. “Tell her it’s for me and Twilight. She’ll understand, I think.”

I shouldered my crossbow. “Yeah, I learned what happens when Twilight doesn’t get her tea. I’ll be back in a bit.” I strode back into the woods, wings gently streaming in a gust of wind.

Wait, wind? In the forest? I lowered the crossbow just in time to catch a massive paw across the chest, throwing me against a tree with so much force it knocked me flat out. My last thought was that I had forgotten to take off the ring.

While I was out, I had a strange, strange dream. I saw a statue at the palace in Canterlot. It was some fucked up critter with all manner of body parts, a chimera. I stood facing it at first, and turned to walk away. I followed a path that seemed perfectly natural, through a few gardens, into the palace, and up to a large tower. At the end of my walk stood a door with a single hole in the middle, surrounded by six colors and symbols. Stained glass windows lined the hallway leading up to it, showing all manner of scenes from the history of Equestria.

The door suddenly cracked open, letting out an intense light. When the light subsided, I saw a box. I heard a deep male voice say to me, “Take the contents of this box, and you will be rewarded.”

I only record this at all because it turned out to be pretty important.

I woke up some time later in a very comfortable bed, on my back. I twitched my wings, just to be sure. I felt very constricted, but not actually tied. I felt along my body, trying to discover what all was wrong.

The first thing I discovered was that I was missing my left index finger. It is a very, very horrifying feeling, to be missing a body part. I pulled my hand out of the covers to try to look at it, only to find that my hand was bound in bandages. After I got over the initial horror of discovering I was missing a finger, I discovered a small bit of other damage: A chunk gone from my stomach, a gash down my cheek, and a few deep gouges down my back. My body was propped up by pillows, leaving my wings free to hang below me. Neat idea. Why didn’t I think of it?

So, my luck finally ran out. Or rather, ran low; I was still alive.

My mouth was closed tight from the bandages around my head due to my cheek. I left them on, for the time being. I slid the covers off me. I was wearing the pants I had on when all of this happened, but no shirt, shoes, or socks. The ring was still on my left hand, thankfully. My pockets were empty.

Sunlight was streaming through the window. I weakly pushed myself up into a sitting position, expecting an explosion of pain. Nothing. I popped my neck with my unbound right hand. Still no pain.

I was contemplating getting up when Fluttershy bustled in with a tray of soup balanced on her back. When she saw me, she jumped, squealed, and the soup went straight to the floor. She was trying to find her words when I reached up and lowered the bandages around my face. They pooled around my neck, giving me a mummy necklace.

“What happened?” I croaked. My voice was raspy from a dry throat and disuse.

Instead of answering, though, she asked, “How are you awake? Zecora and Twilight thought you would be out for weeks!”

“I heal fast. What happened?”

“Oh, Nav! It was terrible…” That’s all I got out of her. I suppose it was enough.

“Why am I here? You said Twilight knows, right?”

Her eyes flicked to my ring, and then back up. “I volunteered to look after you, since you were going into the forest because of me. Please don’t be mad!” She gave off a few lying signs. The tell-tale sign of a pony liar.

I spread my wings to their full size. I find that it occasionally intimidates ponies. “What is the real reason I am here?”

She started whimpering. I lowered my wings. “Nav, please… please don’t make me tell you. I don’t think Twilight would be happy.”

“So. So this is to be my punishment for wearing the ring… Apt.” I lowered my feet to the floor.

“What are you—” she started. I interrupted her by standing. The pain suddenly exploded all across my body. I gasped and wavered where I stood, and she rushed forward to catch me if I fell. “You aren’t going anywhere like this!”

Normally, a statement like that would push me forward. This time, though… I sank back down. “I don’t think I would get a foot out that door.” The pain slowly faded. “How long should I be here?” I finally asked when the worst of it was gone.

“Zecora predicted a pony would be unconscious for a week from the sheer damage you took. You were out two days. She predicted you wouldn’t even be able to stand for three more days. All in all, she expected about three weeks of bed rest.”

“Her predictions were wrong. If I am not fine in two days, I’ll leave then.”

“Are you sure?” At my look, she gulped. “Two days it is, then. Now, you need to lie back and get some more rest!”

“You’re the boss. Don’t expect me to get much sleep, though.” For some reason, she gave me a guilty smile when I said that.

She looked down at the soup and sighed. “I’ll be right back,” she said.

Not ten minutes later I heard her clomping back up her stairs. She came in, laden with another soup tray and a few towels. Angel followed her up. I shared a nod with him; ever since Fluttershy realized what I said about him organizing the animals against me was true, he had been somewhat decent.

“So, there’s something in the soup to put me to sleep?” I asked. She looked at me, somewhat terrified. “No, I can’t read minds,” I said. She squeaked. “You’re just terrible at lying. All of you ponies are.” She gave a sigh of relief. “I suppose I should thank you, Fluttershy. Most ponies wouldn’t have bothered helping me past getting me to the doctor, or making sure I stayed in bed. Even Celestia let me get out of bed when I was almost dead. The least I can do to repay your kindness is spending my time here asleep, so I don’t bother you.”

“You’re no bother, Nav! And I’m just doing what any friend would do.” Didn’t stop her from giving me the soup, though.

“How long will I be out? And who all knows I’m even here?” I asked.

“Three days,” she whispered, and then said louder, “Just Zecora, Twilight, and me. And my animal friends, of course. No pony else knows you were injured.”

I nodded sadly. “Good. See you in three days, I suppose. And I will leave when I wake up. Don’t even think about tying me down. You would not like me when I’m bound, and I will make you cry when you let me go.”

“I would never hold you against your will, Nav.”

“I know.” I started on the soup. “At least it tastes great. You’re a good cook, Fluttershy.”

She blushed lightly and looked down.

I finished the bowl and passed her the tray. “Thank you, friend. How long until it hits me?”

“Oh, a few minutes. Just lie back down and let your friend Fluttershy sing you a lullaby…” I felt her gently push me back down into the bed. She began to lightly sing. That was the last thing I heard for six days.

I had the same dream while I slept the days away.

When I opened my eyes the next time, it was night. I had a moment of panic before I remembered where I was. All the bandages around me were gone, and I couldn’t even feel any scars remaining from the cuts along my back or cheek. The chunk from my stomach still left a bit of a hole, but it felt like it was closing in. The stump of my finger looked a little better, but it still felt terrifying to be missing something.

I noticed a weight around my body, holding me down. She didn’t tie me. Fluttershy wouldn’t do that. As my eyes acclimatized, I discovered what it was: A leg. A pony leg, to be exact. A few seconds later told me it was attached to a pony. She was holding onto me kind of like how Pinkie Pie had. Odd, though, since I occasionally scare Fluttershy. Maybe her dreams are scarier than I am.

Then again, it was Fluttershy’s only bed. No reason to expect her to sleep on a couch just because I was laid up on her bed. I didn’t know at the time that I had been out for six days, so I decided to just wait a bit. I could tell from the window that it was nearing sunrise. If I had known, I would have up and left, right back into the forest without telling a soul. I didn’t have anything planned, but I was only expecting three days, dammit.

It didn’t take much more than an hour for Fluttershy to wake up. She jerked awake and let out a funny little squeak when she realized she was holding me. She practically jumped away from me, not even realizing that I was awake. Then she let out a nervous little laugh, thinking I was still out. “You scared me there for a second, Nav…” she whispered.

I sat up. “I can imagine.” She squeaked again. I popped my neck while she tried to recover some of her wits. I continued, “I see that I am fully healed. Somewhat surprised that even the scars are gone after only three days, but I’m not going to complain.”

“Th-th-three days? It’s been… six…”

I paused, staring at her. “You told me three, before I fell into oblivion.”

“It was supposed to be three… but you weren’t well yet. So before you woke up, I gave you another dose.”

I stood, shaking my wings. “I see. Where are my things?”

“Oh, please tell me you aren’t mad!”

“You did what you thought was best. I disagree, but I understand. I am not angry, though I am somewhat disappointed. Too kind for your own damn good. Now, where are my things?” I was still wearing my ring and pants, at least.

She pointed me to a drawer. I reached for it, and felt my hand hit it and yet nothing happened. It was my left hand that did the reaching. I held it up and looked at it. She flinched when she saw the look on my face. “Nav…”

“That finger was on my top ten list of favorite fingers…” I sighed, and then opened the drawer. I pulled my shirt—completely mended—out, along with all of my knife belts. I gathered the empty quiver from next to the cabinet. “And my crossbow?” I asked, turning to face her.

She looked down. “It… it was destroyed. Please don’t be mad, Nav!”

“Why do you think I would be mad at you?”

“Because it was my fault all this happened!”

“No, it was my fault for being overconfident. I shouldn’t have gone back in. I did, and this is the punishment for my hubris. The crossbow can be replaced. My finger… well, it might grow back. My pride is something else entirely, but I suppose it’s about time that took a knock or two. I’m not mad at you, and this wasn’t your fault. If anything, I should be thankful to you for looking after me and making sure I got the care I needed.”

She blushed slightly. “When you have friends like ours—and yours—it’s hard to leave something like that up for chance. You’ve had a few visitors.” I can imagine that it was made clear to her by Luna or Celestia what would happen if something happened to me while resting, which probably didn’t do anything for her confidence. “I don’t like letting my charges leave while still injured.”

“Thanks for making me stay in bed, then. You’ve been forced to deal with me long enough. If you don’t need anything, I’ll head home. I’m sure Taya has been missing me.”

“Don’t you want breakfast?” she asked, a bit too quickly. As if realizing what she had done, she added, “It wouldn’t be any trouble.”

“No thanks,” I answered, fingering the hole in my stomach. “I don’t like eating this early in the morning if I can help it, and I really need light more than I need food.” My hair was somewhat wilted. I’m sure some of that was from sleeping so long, but some of it was probably from lack of light. The sun was able to peek through the windows a little, but she kept her blinds down.

“Wha… OH! I’m so sorry, I forgot! Please, do—”

“I’m not mad. I’ll be fine. I just need a few minutes outside and I’ll be good as new.” I started to the door.

“What about water?” she asked.

I turned to her. “No thanks. You’ve been a great host, as far as I can remember, but I really just want to get home.”

She was kind of starting to get flustered. I was beginning to suspect she was trying to drug me again. I got to the door and got my hand on the handle. She flung her front legs around me in a tight embrace.

“I was so scared,” she whispered. “I thought you were dead… There was so much blood…” Oh, that’s what this is about.

“I lived because of you. You might think you were scared, but you were brave: You did what you needed to do. I’m here, you’re here, and we’re both fine.” I let the door go and turned to hug her back. “Like it or not, you’re learning what it means to be brave.” We held each other for a few more moments, before I felt her legs go slack. I let her go. “Better?” I asked.

There were still tears in her eyes, but she nodded. I opened the door and went down the stairs. I saw Angel watching me from the couch and sent him up to look after her. I left her little house and finally got back into the sun. It was a mid-May summer day, and the sun was shining down hot. I used to be a night person when I got to Equestria, but now… Well, my biology was forcing me to be a day person, like it or not. The sun felt great.

I stretched the remaining weariness out of my body, and smiled at the energy coursing through me again. I’m starting to get good at this whole survival thing. I walked down the winding path away from Fluttershy’s home, watching small herds of animals play around me; she attracted all manner of critters to her home, some that made sense and some that didn’t. I saw a bat playing with a toucan, for example. That just doesn’t make any kind of sense, especially during day.

But I have learned that this world doesn’t have to make sense. Or at least, not to me.

It didn’t take me long to get back home, and there was little fanfare along the way—none of the townsfolk knew I got injured and most wouldn’t care if they did, and over the past few months I had been taking long absences from the town anyway.

I was tempted to remove the ring and fly into town to give my wings a bit of a stretch as well, but it really just felt too good to be walking again after so long in bed.

I got back just as everyone in the library was waking up. I didn’t know how to go about hiding my lack of a finger from Taya, so I didn’t bother trying. I didn’t point it out, but she noticed rather quickly after jumping into my arms—and throwing me on the floor while doing it—that I was missing something.

“What happened to your hand?” she asked, letting me get to my feet. She had a very accusatory stare on her face, and I knew I was about to be in trouble.

I did a quick mental check to make sure I was wearing the ring, and said, “I ran into something meaner than I was.” No reason to mention Fluttershy; I don’t want Taya to blame her for anything, even though it actually was my fault.

“You promised me you wouldn’t be hurt,” she said. It wasn’t angry, or sad, or anything. It was flat.

I think that hurt worse than losing my finger. “I said I probably wouldn’t be hurt. Besides, there was almost no pain involved at all.”

Her eyes flashed light orange, and her horn was glowing. She was about to say something when she suddenly blinked, letting both glows die. She blushed heavily and ran back upstairs.

Twilight and Spike were giving me odd looks. “What was that about?” Spike finally asked.

I snapped my fingers. “After so long away, that’s all you can say?” They both blinked.

“Are you feeling better?” Twilight asked, a bit of concern in her voice. “The princess and I were so worried…”

“I’m fine. I wasn’t expecting to be asleep so long, but it was for the best.”

“We all told Fluttershy you’d understand.”

“And now your experiment begins to see how long it’ll take my finger to grow back,” I said.

She gave a sheepish smile. “Well, I wasn’t going to do anything without your permission, but…” She turned to look around for something. “Spike, where’s my ruler?”

“Where it always is,” he said, rushing off to grab it. When he returned, Twilight eagerly measured my stub. The finger had been removed at the main joint, leaving a nasty ragged bit left. I couldn’t tell for sure without having seen it a few days ago, but it felt a wee bit bigger.

“And the rest of your injuries?” Twilight asked.

“The only thing left is the chunk missing from my stomach, and I’m pretty sure it’s filling in.”

“Amazing! I’ve never seen magic modify somepony to this level before! I’m surprised it still works, with that ring on.”

“It works because it is biology, not magic. It started as magic, but it all molded together. I fear I am not a human anymore.”

“Well, whatever you are, you’re the most resilient creature I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you’re on our side.” I couldn’t help but smile at that.

I stopped going into the forest after that. I wasn’t willing to risk getting attacked again, with even worse results. I believe Luna got what she was looking for, and Twilight would be busy for a while with what I brought her.

One day in early June found me lying back on a low-flying cloud over a relatively empty park. It was a nice warm day, and the serenity all around me let me just forget all my problems and plans. No princesses, no Taya, no clamoring voices, nothing but the cloud beneath me and the sky above.

And then Rainbow Dash had to fucking ruin it. “If Applejack asks, I’m not here!” she whispered, huddling deep into the center of the cloud.

I sighed, “Got it.”

“Sh, not so loud!” she hissed.

I didn’t answer. Silence reigned once again, aside from Rainbow Dash’s heavy breathing.

Not five minutes later, I heard someone calling down below, “Is anypony up there?”

I opened my eyes and peeked over, to spy Applejack looking up at me. “No ponies,” I called down. Not a lie: Rainbow Dash is a pegasus. “But there is a human. Need something?”

“Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?”

“Not recently, no. If I see her, I’ll tell her you’re looking.” It wasn’t technically a lie either; when Rainbow Dash hid, I didn’t even open my eyes.

“Well, shoot. Thanks anyway, Nav!” With that, she ran off to look some more.

I laid back down, to find a pegasus lying crossways over where I had been. I just rested my head against her and let my legs dangle; I was well over my fear of heights by that point. “Applejack is looking for you,” I said, closing my eyes again.

“Thanks, Nav. I’m usually more careful in my pranks, but she caught me this time!”

“At least you had some manner of escape. The last time she caught me pranking her, I had to spend a day helping her with farm work.”

“Doesn’t hardly seem fair to you.”

“Don’t I know it? So be thankful you’re fast. Though if you’re afraid of getting caught, your pranking will weaken.”

“I’m not afraid of anything!” There was a bit of a pause. “But… there are some things that give me a bit of a pause. Besides, all I really want right now is a chance to sleep, and Applejack loves to work. And… a few other things. I always try not to get caught by her.”

If I had been animate enough I would have shrugged. “I wish I could sleep. I won’t be able to until fall, unless I get injured badly enough again.”

“We were wondering what happened to your finger. You finally got attacked in the forest? I’m sure you gave better than you got!”

“I was attacked right after saving Fluttershy from something in there. I wish I could say I put up a good fight, but something very large and very mean took a good swipe at me and knocked me right out. I barely survived after that. Missing finger, broken wing, deep gashes down my back, my cheek was cut so bad you could see my tongue, and I had a big chunk bitten out of my stomach. It took me eight days to heal most of it away, and all but a few minutes of that was spent asleep in Fluttershy’s bed.”

“Fluttershy took care of you? Well, I suppose that would be better than a doctor; they wouldn’t know much about you. Still, eight days is incredible, for all that! I wish I had your kind of regeneration skills. And your long life. And your adventures…”

“I am liking the regenerative abilities, but as to the rest… Bleh. You didn’t read my more recent journals, so you don’t know how bad some of the rest of the world is. You think you want adventure, but with adventure comes hunger, thirst, desperation, and violence. It is not a fun life.”

I heard a voice calling up again, “Hey Navarone, come down!”

I slid around to look down again, to find Pinkie Pie looking up with her typical curiosity. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you why, Pinkie Pie.”

“Hey, that rhymed!” she said. “You’re a poet and didn’t even realize it!” Yep, that’s Pinkie Pie.

“So what did you need?” I asked, still peeking over the cloud.

“I’m bored!”

“You’re fucking Pinkie Pie! You know everyone in this village. How can you possibly be bored?”

“Come on, Nav! You’re just lying around!”

I muttered, “Dammit, Pinkie Pie.” Louder, I said, “Hold on.” I turned to look at Rainbow Dash, who was faking being asleep by closing her eyes and pretending to snore. “I know you’re faking,” I told her. She peeked an eye open then quickly closed it when she saw me looking. She started snoring faster. “You are obviously faking being asleep.” She muttered something in a sleepy sounding voice, pretending to be dreaming. “You don’t start dreaming until you’ve been asleep for a while.” Nothing. “Fine, be that way.” I slid off the cloud and glided my way down.

As soon as my feet hit the grass, I slipped my ring on. The only way a unicorn could hurt me while wearing that is by kicking me, stabbing me, or throwing something at me. I’m paranoid, but whatever.

“So what did you have in mind?” I asked.

She smiled. “How do you feel about foals?”

“You mean the tiny little newborns?” She nodded. “Not a fan, personally. And I don’t imagine they’d be much a fan of me, given what I am.”

“Come on Nav, you’re not that bad!”

“I wouldn’t say all that about a human baby. It’s just that my appearance is so wildly different from anything they would be used to that it might scare them. So I’ve done my best to avoid any babies here.”

“How will you ever know unless you find out? Want to go play with some?”

“Not really, no. That wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want to see any. I also don’t like babies that much. Loud, stinky, fragile, unmannered, uncontrollable. Not something I’d want to spend much time around, given the choice.”

“Come on, Nav! Those aren’t so bad. I mean, I’m talking to you, after all!”

“Yeah, but you are hardly fragile. The rest, yeah, a little.”

“I’m not stinky!” she said with much indignation. She didn’t try to refute the others.

“To you, yeah. And I don’t suppose you ponies smell anything wrong with each other. After so long here, I barely even notice it. But there was definitely an unpleasant stench the first few days I was here, and I notice it every time I leave pony-held lands for a while. You’d probably notice the same thing if you went to where I came from. But no matter. Pick a hobby and I might join you.”

“Anything?” she asked with a disturbing unguarded wonder.

“Ask, and I might. You never know until you ask.”

She grabbed my head and pulled my ear in close. She whispered something in my ear, and let my head go. “No,” I answered.

“How about singing and jumping and dancing and frolicking?”

“I’ll watch as you do that; some of your songs are actually pretty decent. Or if by dancing you mean ballroom, then maybe. It’s been about a month and a half since I did much of that. Jumping and frolicking, though, I think I’ll just watch.”

“You never want to try anything new! Or are you really just that lazy?”

“I’m not entirely positive as to what frolicking entails, I’ll admit. But jumping and what I’ve heard about frolicking aren’t things I enjoy, personally. I enjoy hearing others sing, and I find some dancing enjoyable. Though Scratch got me moving to beats you’re closer to. I’ll freely admit, that night was fun.”

“So… are you saying that you want to party?” She had such a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

“I don’t remember saying that, actually. Can’t you just settle for going to the Gala next month?”

“Psh, that’s not a party! That’s a gathering of rich snobs that have nothing better to do. And the princesses, of course.”

“And your friend the donkey?” I asked. Some old donkey came to town a few years ago, name of Cranky Doodle Donkey. Funny name, not so funny fellow. Pinkie Pie pulled a fucking deus ex machina and found his lost love in town. Apparently the two lovers met at the Gala some years ago. After all the abuse Pinkie put that poor bastard through, I’m surprised he forgave her even then, but people here are nicer than I am.

She waved her hoof. “He only used to be a rich snob with nothing better to do.”

“And me? Or Twilight? Or yourself, at that. We’ve all been to a few of them.”

“Okay, so there are a few exceptions.”

“We could play chess,” I suggested, hoping to get her mind off partying.

“What’s chess? Sounds boring. Why don’t we do something fun?”

“Name something you enjoy that I also enjoy.” At her look, I amended, “Aside from what you’ve already mentioned.”

She got a thoughtful look on her face. After a few seconds, she raised her hoof like she had an idea, and then paused. After a second, she put her hoof to her mouth, concentrating hard. She stood like that for a little while. And then she pounced on me.

I landed on my back, with her on top of me, one of her legs on each of my extremities, holding them down. She was smiling right in my face.

“I got your arms! What are you going to do now, human?”

“Depends on how violent you want this to get. No blood?”

“Of course not, silly! This is just between friends.”

I twisted my legs sideways, giving me enough room to rip them out from under her. I wrapped them around her back and used my new leverage to swap our positions. Her back legs were free, but I used my arms to pin her front legs. “That,” I answered, my face close to hers.

She… nuzzled me. I don’t know if I can describe how that made me feel.

And then she proved that ponies actually are stronger than I am by throwing me clear off her. I didn’t go far, and as soon as I touched dirt, I jumped back to my feet. They might be stronger and heavier than I am, but I’ll be damned if they’re more agile.

I saw her getting to her feet. “That kind of smile isn’t what I usually go for,” she said, “but I’ll take it!” I realized I was wearing a bit of a predatory grin. I was still feeling a bit awkward from being nuzzled—Taya had done it to me before, of course, but not like that—but my blood was starting to pump a bit, and I realized I was starting to feel a bit of what I had been missing ever since I got attacked in the forest.

I didn’t have time to think on it, though, as she was attacking again. I dodged her pounce, since I had been expecting it. I quickly sat on her back before she could move or shift. “Going somewhere?” I asked.

She jumped straight up. I barely managed to hold on, and the fall hurt me in ways she couldn’t understand. I still held on, though. Thankfully, the obvious answers of dropping sideways or jumping and landing on her back never occurred to her, or if they did she deemed them as too dangerous to me.

“That’s not fair, Nav!” she finally said.

I patted her side in consolation. “You’re stronger and heavier than I am. This seems fair enough to me.”

“I’m not stronger than you are! And get off of me.” After a pause, she added, “Please.” I did.

“The vast majority of you ponies are physically stronger than I am,” I said. “I am generally more agile, of course, and if we were in a real fight I would wager on me winning over most ponies any day. But for raw strength, I just can’t compete.”

“Aww, come on!” She dragged me over to a table nearby. I don’t know if I had ever actually seen any ponies sitting at one of these tables; how would they get in? Or sit down?

She managed both, and pointed for me to sit on the other side. She put one of her front legs on the table. “Hoof wrestle!”

My hand fit nicely around her hoof. “Go!” It didn’t take two seconds.

Her eyes were open rather wide at the end, too. “I always thought…” she tried, but stopped. “I thought you… What?”

I retrieved my arm. “I told you. I realized it my first week here. Ponies are just stronger than I am. I’m considerably more dangerous, of course, but if any of you got me trapped or something I would be basically helpless. That’s why I couldn’t break free when you held me that night at your parents’ farmhouse. Or when Fluttershy did the same a few weeks ago.”

“Doesn’t that bother you?” she asked.

“Not really. Most ponies wouldn’t do that. It’s different when I am a pony, of course—the magic gives me muscles to compensate.”

“Hmm…” She got a look on her face that I wasn’t quite comfortable with.

“Whatever you’re thinking, I don’t think I want to be involved.”

“So you’re saying you can’t escape snuggles?” she asked, a scary smile forming on her face.

“Oh, I can. I just can’t without turning violent.” I pulled a knife out of my sleeve and slammed it into the table.

She gave it a dismissive look. “You wouldn’t hurt me.” I don’t know if I like where this is going.

“And I don’t think you’d do what you are thinking about doing.”

She cleared the table to get to me, somehow. I don’t know how she got her legs unstuck so fast or how she got over the knife without getting hurt, but suddenly we were both rolling in the dirt. To my credit, I ended up on top, but she had her legs completely wrapped around me, trapping my arms and my legs.

“Well, you have me stuck. But there’s not much you can really do either, is there?”

Before she could answer, someone nearby said, “What are you two doing?”

We both looked over to see Cheerilee leading a flock of kids around the park. I guess this place doesn’t have summer break. We both answered hastily, “Wrestling.” Pinkie Pie quickly let me go and we picked ourselves up.

Cheerilee gave us a look that told us she thought she knew better, but didn’t comment. I’ve had a few conversations in the past with her, and I really like her: She actually has a brain, and uses it quite often. Twilight is intelligent, of course, but Cheerilee was actually smart. If that makes any sense.

Thankfully, none of the kids thought anything of what they saw. Most of them were used to me by now. I pried the knife out of the table before too many of them could see it, and Cheerilee gave me a thankful nod when I put it up.

Pinkie Pie asked, “So what are you doing out here today, Ms. Cheerilee?”

“Oh, it’s just too nice of a day to stay cooped up in a classroom. I figured a day in the park would be welcome.” Judging by the sounds the kids were making and how much fun they looked like they were having, I agreed. “So Navarone, I hear you’re now a knight for Princess Luna. I don’t suppose you’d have any stories you could tell my students?”

“No offense, ma’am, but I don’t think any of the stories I have to tell are the kinds of things you want your students hearing. I do jobs the princesses don’t want to give to ponies, if you know what I mean.” I tapped the sleeve where she saw me put the knife to make sure she got it.

“Oh come on, Nav!” Pinkie Pie said, slapping my back weakly, probably trying to make sure she doesn’t hurt my ‘fragile human body.’ “Surely you can leave some parts out!”

I made sure there weren’t any kids around. “Well, let’s see… There’s the time I got mauled in the forest. There’s the time I killed a bunch of people in Egypt, and the second time I killed a bunch of people in Egypt. There’s the time I failed my duty in Maris and Blueblood almost died because of it. I suppose we could mention the time I killed a bunch of naga, and call that a job for Celestia since it did benefit her. I could tell them about the time I met a dragon in the forest—and that isn’t sarcastic, either; he was a good fellow. I heard all of Ponyville was terrified when we flew over on the way to Canterlot.”

“That was you?” Cheerilee gasped.

“No, that was a dragon,” Pinkie Pie answered. “Navarone is a bit too small for that.”

“I was in his talons at the time, actually. He was an old friend of Luna’s and wanted to talk with her again, so I reintroduced the two.”

“Hm…” Cheerilee mused, “You could tell that story, actually. Not the others, of course, but that one would be fine. Can you make it sound… interesting?”

“I probably could, but there really isn’t that much to it. Luna asked me to explore the forest a while back. I found a few ruins, a few unique magical artifacts of great power, all manner of nasty critters, and several caves. One of the caves was full of jewels. I knew as soon as I saw them that I was probably done for, since that many jewels means a very large and powerful dragon. I was right about the dragon, but wrong about being dead. He was lonely and wanted to talk. In our talks, I mentioned that I was a friend of the princesses, and we got to talking about them. I got a hug from Luna and a short break in Canterlot out of it.”

“Wait… What was that part about the magical artifacts?” Cheerilee asked.

I shrugged. “This isn’t a story I can tell your students, but I found a repository of artifacts in the forest. The guardian of the artifacts gave me three: A key that can open any lock, a ring that cancels magic, and a pair of stones that change gender.”

“And why can’t you tell my students that story? It sounds interesting enough.”

“Because you know three of them in particular will rush off to try to find that cache of artifacts.”

She grimaced slightly. “Yes, I think I know which three you’re talking about. Though I am somewhat surprised they don’t already know; most of the stories that get told in my classroom about you come from them. Of course, most of what they say is obviously false. I mean, there’s no way the princess would ever do something as base as personally staring down an enemy general!”

“That story is actually kind of true,” I said. “But I don’t know how they learned about it; I sure as hell didn’t tell them anything about that. What really happened is that the army I was leading got trapped in a city between the hostile deserts and freedom, with a larger, stronger, and better equipped opposing army on the freedom side. We had no chance of fighting our way through, and trying to defend the entire city would be impossible with our numbers. I figured it was time for a bit of help, and used Spike to send a message to Celestia, begging for aid. She teleported to me, and we took the leader of the resistance with us to meet the enemy general. He took one look at Celestia and pulled his entire army away. My army marched right out of Egypt with all our civilians in tow.”

“See, now that is the kind of story you can tell my students!” she said. “It’s historically accurate, paints a good view of the princess, and it ends peacefully!”

“It sure as hell didn’t start peacefully. We killed a few hundred people forcing the city. I don’t even know what our losses were, but I don’t think they were that bad. The city guards were pretty demoralized by…” I saw her face shrink a bit with every word. “Well, never mind about that. My second trip to Egypt was pretty boring, but probably even more important: I dropped off the Equestrian ambassador and guarded her until Egypt was made almost completely safe for ponies.”

Pinkie Pie added, “Which thanks to you wasn’t that long anyway! See, Nav? You’re important.”

“Yeah, I admit that I sped up the process a bit by discovering those assassins. Damn near killed me, but they definitely got the short end of the stick on that one. Helped uncover a traitor, though, and that ended the threat quickly enough.”

“You’ve definitely lived an interesting life,” Cheerilee said. “But I’m not certain any of that is suitable for my students.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t think so. I tend to do the kinds of jobs that no one likes remembering needed done. Maybe someone will put me in a history textbook sometime.”

“Hm… I don’t mean to offend, but why do you say things like someone and no one rather than somepony and no pony?” she asked.

“I grew up in a world where ponies are mindless animals and humans were the only race with sentience or sapience. That’s what we say there, and I’ve never adapted to what is said here.”

I saw a light flick on in her head. Not literally, in this case, but figuratively. “Do you think you could tell any stories about your home, then?”

“I don’t want these kids scared of me. Stories of that place would probably be worse than any of the stories I have from here. Though with my entire history to work with, I suppose I could tell of other stuff; we are a hell of a lot more technologically advanced than you are. If you think Rainbow Dash flies fast, you would be in for a surprise. We have machines that make her look like she’s standing still. And if you think Twilight is smart, we have machines that make her look like an idiot. We have machines that farm better and faster than Applejack, and make better products from the crops as well. We have machines that can mass-produce any manner of clothing and just about anything else. When I left we didn’t have anything that could match Pinkie Pie for parties, though, or Fluttershy for caring for animals.”

“I’m sure you didn’t have anything that could match Ms. Cheerilee in teaching, either!” chimed in Applebloom, who materialized at my side with no other warning.

“Not really,” I answered, “but we did have machines that made lessons more accessible to students that couldn’t get to the classroom. It’s still nothing on personal contact, but it is better than nothing.”

“Now girls, what have I told you about eavesdropping?” Cheerilee asked them in a disapproving voice.

“Not to do it,” they all three answered in a sad voice. I noticed then that the other two had joined us.

Pinkie Pie suddenly shot up a foot or so, “Oooh oooh, I have an idea!” Oh God. “I know all of Nav’s stories! And he knows all of his stories! What if I told them and he acted them out?” ‘Oh God’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The three girls all looked disturbingly excited by that. Even Cheerilee got a bit of a smile on her face at the thought. “You know,” she said, “that might work! What do you think, girls?”

They all nodded happily, voicing all manner of approval.

I tried saying, “I’m not much of an actor…” That was kind of a lie. Except instead of ‘kind of,’ it was definitely a lie.

Fucking Pinkie Pie, man… “You’re a great actor, Nav! Don’t you remember your first Gala when you pretended to be Egill?” Her hooves immediately went to her mouth and her eyes went wide.

I softly answered, “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Cheerilee responded, “You were Egill? How is that possible?”

Louder, I said, “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I gave Pinkie Pie a bit of a nasty glare.

Unfortunately, the girls have about as much impulse control as Pinkie Pie. Applebloom mused aloud, “You did match the description Twilight gave us all of Egill when you were a pony…”

Sweetie Belle continued that speculation, “And he did seem to know a lot about Princess Luna…”

Scootaloo threw a bit of a wrench in it, though, “But Egill had a cutie mark! When Nav was a pony, he didn’t.”

“What do you mean, when he was a pony?” Cheerilee asked. “Hasn’t he always been a human?”

“Sort of,” I said. “There was an accident a few years ago that turned me into a pony for a week. You might have seen me around town; I was a white pegasus with brown hair, wearing a dark cloak.” She shrugged. “Either way, I was a blank flank, as Scootaloo said. Now girls, go on and play for a while.” They looked at Cheerilee. She nodded.

When they were out of earshot, Cheerilee cheerily asked, “So, how was it, being Egill?”

“Pretty fun, actually,” I answered. “And this conversation doesn’t leave this circle, either. I don’t want any pony suitors outside my door thinking I’ll turn into Egill for them.”

“I can certainly understand that,” Cheerilee muttered. Louder, she continued, “So when do you two want to put on the show?”

“I don’t rem—” I started saying, but Pinkie Pie interrupted me.

“We can do it right now!”

“Hm… I did promise the kids we would do something educational in the park today… I suppose a recent history lesson would be as good as botany.” She started calling all the kids up. “Who wants to hear a story?”

Most of them seemed relatively ambivalent.

“It’s story time or botany time,” she told them flatly. “Your pick.”

“So what’s the story about?” some bitchy sounding little filly asked. Diamond Tiara, I presume? I had heard a few stories about her from the trio of terror. She’s a typical spoiled brat. All she’ll be good for is a trophy wife, I suppose, if she has the looks for it; I don’t pretend to be a judge of looks for ponies, especially not one as young as that.

Cheerilee opened her mouth to respond—hopefully in a relatively rude manner, as I would have to such impertinence—when Pinkie Pie cut her off, “An epic of love and sorrow, war and peace,” she kept going on for a little while. Cheerilee stood gaping.

I leant down a bit and whispered to her, “Pinkie Pie is telling this story, not me. Blame her if anything goes wrong.”

She blinked and turned her head to respond, when Pinkie Pie finally got to the point, “Starring Ponyville’s very own Sir Navarone!”

She waved me forward. All the little ones looked to me expectantly. I decided to say something, to make it at least look like what was coming might be interesting: “My apologies for not having all of my weapons to use as props; a lot of them were recently destroyed in the forest while I was fending off an Ursa Minor and a few timber wolves.”

That got a few gasps. One little colt asked, “What happened?”

“I found a few critters trying to attack Fluttershy in the Everfree Forest. I helped her escape. She got out fine. Me…” I held up my left hand so they could see the difference in my finger lengths, “…I wasn’t so lucky.” There were murmurs in the little crowd. “Go ahead and begin your tale, Pinkie. I’ll just follow along, making do with what I have.”

Pinkie Pie gave a very abridged version of some of my adventures. We press-ganged Cheerilee into helping us with some parts; she ended up playing a few cats, Celestia, a naga, a dancing partner or two, and a dragon. I used knives to simulate swords and I threw them to simulate my crossbow. Pinkie Pie certainly painted me as a lot more of a hero than I really was.

Of course, a lot of the kids had already heard some of the stories, but I don’t think any of them had heard all of them. We all got a bit of applause at the end. I heard clopping coming from above me as well, and looked up to see Rainbow Dash peeking down through the cloud.

Then we all had to answer questions, of course. Diamond Tiara’s hoof shot up first, and Cheerilee called on her. “So if you saved a little filly from Egypt and brought her here, why isn’t she in school?”

“That’s an excellent question,” Cheerilee said. “Navarone?”

I shrugged. “She’s being taught by Twilight. Unicorns that want to learn more about their magic go through a special learning cycle. Ms. Cheerilee isn’t qualified to teach it, I’m afraid.”

“Ms. Cheerilee’s a perfect teacher!” one of the kids answered somewhat angrily.

“A perfect teacher without magic,” I said. “You wouldn’t expect her to be able to teach Scootaloo how to fly, would you?”

I heard a little gray filly sitting next to Diamond Tiara whisper loudly, “I don’t expect anypony to be able to teach her how to fly!” She got a lot of laughs and a few glares. Cheerilee either didn’t hear or pretended to not hear.

“But we never even see Taya!” Diamond Tiara continued. “She can’t always be learning.”

I shrugged again. “Have you been looking for her?” That shut her up well enough. “Well, there you go. I know Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have met her. If they can do it, surely the rest of you can as well, if you wish to. Any other questions?”

There were a few more questions that I answered handily enough. One little unicorn colt asked Cheerilee if I could lead a field trip into the forest. His cutie mark was a fucking snail, which really didn’t make any sense to me. Cheerilee said no. A disturbingly high number of kids expressed disappointment at that. Are these kids retarded? Or did Pinkie Pie make the forest sound that interesting?

The rest of the questions were pretty standard, with a few disturbing ones about my relationship with the princesses, which I lied about. Kids aren’t supposed to think about stuff like that.

“Now what do we say to our guests?” Cheerilee finally asked when there were no more hooves in the air. They all chorused a ‘thank you.’ Cheerilee looked at the big clock mounted on a building in town and said way too happily, “And we have just enough time to get started on a botany study!” There was a chorus of boos. Pinkie Pie and I decided it might be best if we found ourselves somewhere else.

We got to the edge of the park when Rainbow Dash joined us. “You know, Pinkie, that isn’t how I remember some of that stuff.”

“We don’t want to give them nightmares, Dashie!” she responded. “I know I had a few bad dreams after the naga experience…” And she wasn’t even involved with the killing. I noticed at that point the direction we were walking in; Rainbow Dash and I had just been following Pinkie Pie. She was leading us straight to Applejack’s farm.

“Besides,” I said, “I’d much rather have the kids think I’m a hero than a monster. So they get a romanticized version of the truth; humans have been doing that to kids forever.”

“Yeah, and look how you all turn out,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Maybe if you told your foals the truth about stuff like that, maybe there wouldn’t be so much violence in your world.”

I shrugged. “I don’t rightly know; I never had a kid to raise. I haven’t sugarcoated much of anything with Taya, since I know she’s mature enough to take the truth.”

“You really should give her more sweets, Nav!” Pinkie Pie said. “I know they’re not the healthiest, but they taste great!”

Wha—oh. “Different kind of sugarcoating, Pinkie,” I said. “I tell her most things as they happened, rather than how everyone wished they had happened.” Well, everyone except the guy that lost.

“And she’s turning out well enough!” Rainbow Dash said. “A little bit of an egghead, but I’m sure she’ll grow out of that a bit. Twilight just keeps her cooped up too much.”

“Twilight is also getting a hell of a lot of results, though; Taya is getting very powerful very fast.”

“But if she doesn’t have any friends, what does it all matter?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Fuck all if I know,” I said with a sigh. “I tried to get her to make some, but you can’t force something like that. The only pony she’s really close with is Twilight. Hell, she dislikes Celestia and Luna for taking up so much of my time.”

They both gasped at that. “How can you…” Pinkie Pie started, horrified

“Dislike the princess!” Rainbow Dash finished, angry.

I shrugged. “You gotta remember, Taya didn’t exactly grow up in a place that was friendly toward Celestia. A few of the ponies I met there actually really, really hated her, though most of them changed their tune as soon as the ban on them leaving was lifted. It’s possible her parents spoke ill of Celestia before they disappeared.”

“That’s awful!” Pinkie Pie said in an incredibly depressed tone. “Everypony loves Princess Celestia!”

“How could you not?” Rainbow Dash asked. “She’s so awesome!” I could think of a few ways.

“Well, I’m the only real parent Taya has anymore, and Celestia keeps making me leave to do some inane task or another. Taya just wants to spend more time with me, but Celestia is making that hard. I know most ponies do like Celestia, and for good cause, but there will always be some that disagree.”

“I’m sure we can teach Taya how great of a pony Princess Celestia is,” Rainbow Dash said. “We can start right after we get back from… where are we going, anyway?”

Rainbow Dash finally started paying attention to where we were headed. By then, though, it was too late: “There you are!” Applejack shouted, galloping up to us. Rainbow Dash frantically looked for a place to hide, and decided to settle on hiding behind me. Why, I don’t know.

For some reason, Applejack decided to continue her pounce, despite obviously seeing me in the way. So she jumped on me and I tripped over Rainbow Dash and we all three ended up in the dirt.

“So how about getting off of me?” I finally asked, after making sure I was okay.

“Simple as that?” Applejack asked.

“Simple as that,” I confirmed. “I don’t particularly want to wrestle.” Especially not after what happened the last time.

“Fair enough.” I think she was thinking the same thing. She jumped off me. I got up, pushing myself off Rainbow Dash. She got up last. “After all, you did find Dashie for me!” Applejack put a leg around Rainbow Dash’s shoulders.

“And I helped!” Pinkie Pie said, jumping in and wearing a wide smile.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said through gritted teeth.

Applejack started leading Rainbow Dash away. We heard her say, “Now here’s how you’re gonna pay me back,” before they were out of earshot.

I turned around and started heading for the town. After a second’s pause, Pinkie Pie joined me, bouncing along as she normally does. “So what do you want to do now, Nav?”

I had started to feel a few hunger pangs over the past hour or so, ever since Pinkie showed up. She always has the smell of freshly baked goods about her, which might be why. Either way, I knew that it had been a few days since I had eaten much of anything, so it was probable I was actually getting hungry. I opened my mouth to tell her that I was hungry when she said, “I know! Let’s eat!”

So I just said, “Sure.”

“We’ll have to actually make stuff first, though… Do you know how to cook?”

“Nope. Do you?” I knew full well that she did. Me, I had forgotten all that I knew back from home. Not using any of that knowledge for years just pushed it out of my mind.

“Yep! Let’s go!” She started bouncing faster. I sighed and took my ring off to keep up with her easier.

Long story short, she taught me how to cook cupcakes. They were slightly singed, but nothing inedible.

Chapter Forty-Three—Weed and promises made

Chapter Forty-Three—Weed and promises made

A few days after that, I made one last short trip to the forest. I stayed just long enough to grab some stuff I had seen growing there. When I got what I needed, I sauntered back into town with a smile on my face.

I think I was humming lyrics to a song I hadn’t heard in a while. Green and purple, green and purple…

I went straight to the library and grabbed one of my knives. I cut the plant up a bit and mashed it down. I repeated that process a few times before I left it out to dry in the sun for an hour. Then I went to find some paper.

I rolled the first doobie ever seen in Equestria.

“Hey Spike, you want to help me test something?”

He was currently cleaning a part of the library that no one but Twilight ever uses. He was not really enjoying it. Spike looked up at me for a moment before turning back to the case he was cleaning. With a shrug, he turned back and said, “Sure. What do you need?”

I smiled. “I need you to light something on fire and then smoke it for me. Outside, though; I know better about doing this shit in a tree that seconds as a library.”

“What does ‘smoke’ mean?” he asked as I led the way to the door.

“You inhale the smoke into your lungs. It’ll feel uncomfortable the first few times, but if I’m right, you’ll soon get over it.”

“And why can’t you do it?”

We were outside now. “Because I’m the scientist. I want to see what happens.” He shrugged. I handed him the joint. “Light it here,” I said, pointing at the tip. “Don’t burn too much of it.” He did. “Now, put your mouth here,” I said pointing, “And gently suck in. Be prepared, because you’re probably going to cough.”

He slowly inhaled and was able to hold it in for a moment before expelling it all in a massive cough fit. “Nav… What is thi—woah. Wooooooaaaaahhhhhh… I feel strange, man.”

“Keep smoking it, Spike. I want to see what’ll happen.” He did. I could smell the smoke from here. It was definitely marijuana that I found. And God, it was dank! If he got as blasted as he did from one puff… Though to be fair, he was still pretty small.

The joint was about half gone before Spike forgot what he was supposed to be doing. “Nav, why do I feel like—Oh, hi Pinkie.” I could tell from his voice that he was gone.

Wait, did he say—“Hi Spike! And hi Nav! What are you two doing?” Pinkie asked with her usual boundless enthusiasm.

“Spike is testing another human drug for me,” I answered. “Spike, how do you feel?”

“Like, far out, dude.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that. He sounded so stoned!

Pinkie was looking at the joint. “So what does it do?”

“It mellows you out a whole lot,” I answered. “I think Spike has had enough.” I removed the joint from his limp fingers.

“Oooh, can I try?” Pinkie begged.

“Do you have anything important to do today?”

“Welllll… Nope!”

I thought for a moment. It would be absolutely hilarious to have a high Pinkie Pie. I shrugged. “Alright.” I told her how to smoke it and how it worked. Soon enough, she was giggling just like Spike. “Welp, you’re both baked.”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up. “Baking! Oh, I’m soooo hungry right now! Spike, you wanna go bake some cupcakes?”

He jerked a bit and started giggling like mad. He barely managed to force out a one-word answer of “Yes.”

“No,” I said to them both. “You can have whatever you want from the bakery on my treat, but you aren’t going to be operating an oven while like this.”

“Aww,” they both groaned.

And then Pinkie’s eyes lit up again. “Your treat?” she said with a grin.

Well, there went the tournament money. I nodded. With that, Pinkie paused long enough to attach Spike to her tail before shooting off to Sugarcube Corner. I sighed and went to grab some bits before letting Twilight know where Spike was going and letting Taya know where I was going. I didn’t mention the fact that Spike was baked, though I think they both noticed the smell.

By the time I got to the bakery, it was almost too late to recover the situation. Pretty much everything pre-prepared was gone, and Mr. Cake was currently fending off a hungry dragon from the last things in the shop.

He was doing a pretty good job, until Pinkie popped out of the ceiling above the table and devoured half of everything by distending her jaw somehow in what was probably one of the creepiest things I’ve seen her do.

That made Spike giggle, which made Mr. Cake turn around and just gape. While his back was turned, Spike slipped past him to the table and began munching on some more stuff.

“Well damn,” I said, eyeing the carnage. “Yo Mr. Cake, sorry about this. I got it covered.” I pulled out all the bits I had on me. I don’t know how many it was. “For everything in the shop they ate and the psychological damage that came with it.”

He walked up to me, shaking his head. “I don’t know what came over them! Spike has always been so polite… And Pinkie has always been… well, Pinkie, but she works here, for Celestia’s sake!”

“Yeah, that’s kinda my fault. I was testing something on them and... Well, it worked. I forgot about Pinkie’s ability to distort reality. It might be even more powerful right now. Hey, do you know a way to keep someone with the mental capacity of a brilliant toddler occupied for a few hours?”

He looked at me oddly. “I’m a parent, Nav.” Oh yeah. “Give them some string. A lot of it.”

“Thanks. Now where the hell am I going to get some string?”

He shrugged. “Not my problem. I need to clean up this mess.”

We looked around. Pinkie and Spike were sitting next to a table, holding massively distended bellies. They were both smiling, looking extremely satisfied.

Aside from them, the shop looked like it was in tatters. “You two are probably the most active high people I have ever seen.”

They started giggling again. “He thinks we’re…” Pinkie started before lapsing into another fit.

“PEOPLE!” Spike finished before bursting out laughing. Pinkie joined him in the deeper laughter. Mr. Cake just shook his head before grabbing a broom.

I threw Spike over my shoulder and grabbed Pinkie’s tail, dragging her out the door behind me. I don’t know how I was able to drag her, but like I’ve said before: Physics is more of a suggestion in this world than anything else.

She was able to stand up eventually on her own power, and she trailed behind me, looking around at everything with a massive smile on her face. I let Spike down shortly after, though he quickly clambered up on Pinkie, and joined her in watching the world with wonder-filled eyes.

The ponies around us were creeped the fuck out.

I led them to Rarity’s shop, since I knew I could get some string there. I stopped a few feet from the door. I shouldn’t bring Spike in front of Rarity like this. How can I keep two high people occupied and out of trouble for a few hours?

The answer was simple: Put them to sleep. I reversed my direction and started going to the library. Twilight probably knew a spell to knock them both right out. I had to gently tug Pinkie’s hair to get her following me again.

She didn’t much like the stairs in front of the library. She spent nearly a minute trying to get up them before she finally managed. She was giggling the whole time. I led the way inside, shutting the door behind her and Spike.

Unfortunately, Twilight was not there. Thankfully, Taya was. “Hey Taya, have you learned any spells to put people to sleep?”

She nodded, watching Pinkie stare at the horse statue in the center of the library. “Are they okay?”

“Yeah, I just tested a human drug on them. It worked, but I don’t feel like babysitting them for a few hours. Just put them to sleep. It should wear off by tomorrow.”

Her horn glowed and Pinkie dropped to the floor, dead asleep. Spike had time to bundle up in her fluffy hair before passing out. “Thanks. They’ll be fine there, right?”

She shrugged. “What did you test on them?”

“Something called marijuana. Between that and alcohol, I could probably become a very rich man. I might find some for Scratch next time I see her, see if she’s interested in learning how to grow that stuff.”

“So what does it do?”

“Mellows a person out completely. It usually acts as a sedative and it can make someone really hungry.”

“What kind of effect does it have on magic?”

“Fuck all if I know. I bet it would be funny watching a unicorn trying to cast something like that, though. I think I still have some more left, if you want to try.”

“Will it hurt me?”

“It didn’t hurt Pinkie. It’ll take a little while to prepare, though; I have to get as much of the moisture out of it as possible.”

She smiled. “That’ll be easy. I can just warm it up with magic.”

“…Right. That.” I still get uncomfortable when I remember that my daughter is a unicorn. I went up to my room and grabbed some more of the plant. I grabbed a few full plants out of the forest, and I only used a bit of one to make the first joint. I brought some down for Taya and crushed it up in front of her. She warmed it, quickly drying it.

“I really don’t want you smoking anything, but… Well, once shouldn’t hurt.” I grabbed some more paper and rolled her a joint. “Don’t tell Twilight about this, by the way,” I warned.

She smiled and nodded. I led us outside. “Here, light the tip of this on fire.” She did. “Now put your mouth around the other tip and suck in gently. You’ll probably cough the first time.” She breathed in and held it for a moment before gently exhaling. This doobie wasn’t nearly as fat as the one I rolled Spike, and it didn’t take her that long to finish it off.

And she was really high, too. It was nice, seeing her with that kind of smile on her face. “I love you, daddy,” she said as she picked me up with magic and gently laid me on the floor. That done, she climbed up on my back and rolled into a ball of sorts.

“Well, that’s really cute,” I said aloud, reaching into my pocket for my ring. I slipped it out and set it on Taya’s horn. “But I’m not going to let you have magic right now, I’m afraid.”

She sighed.

“It’s not a punishment, of course. I just don’t want to risk you hurting anyone.” Namely, me.

“I understand, daddy,” she sighed, curling tighter.

The look on Twilight’s face when she walked in was priceless. “Nav, I’ve seen you do some weird things. And I’ve heard of you doing stranger. But what in Celestia’s name is going on?”

Taya had fallen asleep at some point. I slowly rolled over and picked her up and set her down next to Pinkie. “I was testing a human drug,” I said by way of answer. I plucked the ring off Taya’s horn. “It worked. It worked very well.”

She looked down at the pile and sighed. “What did you do this time?”

“Something called marijuana. It calms you down and acts as a major sedative and pain killer. It was used recreationally back where I came from. Its side effects were debated, so I don’t feel like telling you about them and risk lying. It shouldn’t be wildly addictive, but that doesn’t mean a dependency can’t occur. It’s not good for you, but at the same time it shouldn’t do anything to put you in the hospital. There was a debate going on about whether or not it could be used to treat cancer, but it was definitely good for fighting pain. Oh, and it was incredibly illegal for some reason.” I shrugged. “Nothing that bad.”

She was okay until that last point. “Illegal? I thought you said you wouldn’t bring any illegal drugs here!”

“No, I said I wouldn’t bring any drugs here at all. I just got bored. I already lied about the alcohol, so I didn’t figure lying about some Mary Jane would be all that bad either.”

She sighed. “And who is Mary Jane?”

“Another name for marijuana. Humans have a lot of names for things.”

“Well, this one doesn’t sound too harmful. And if you were willing to give it to your daughter… I’ll let it slide. Just warn me next time! I want to be there to help in case anything goes wrong!”

I shrugged. “Fair enough. Hey, I still have some upstairs if you want to try it.”

“Not interested. I still remember my time with alcohol. I spent a day nursing a headache and fixing Ponyville.”

“Suit yourself. I don’t like doing that to myself either. Since Spike is out for the count, you need my help with anything?”

I spent the rest of the day helping her.

When Pinkie woke up, I pulled her aside from the groggy Spike and yawning Taya. “Hey Pinkie, you wanna know something really cool about that drug I gave you?”

“What’s that, Nav?”

I smiled. “You can bake it into brownies, and you won’t notice the taste until you’re already high.”

Her smile matched my own. “Prank time?” she asked.

“Prank time,” I answered. I had already prepared the rest of my small stash, and gave it to her with a bit of instructions. She ran off into the night, giggling like a madpony.

The next day, half of Ponyville came down with a serious case of baked-off-the-ass. It was hilarious. Spike and I walked around town the entire day, messing with people. We saw Pinkie and Rainbow Dash doing the same thing, and greeted them with bro-fists.

“Well Nav,” Rainbow was saying, “you’ve pulled pranks with me—and on me—in the past, but this takes the cake!”

“Or the brownie,” Pinkie said with a giggle.

“That too,” Rainbow continued. “But this… this is awesome! We have half the town completely out of it! I saw Applejack hugging a tree and apologizing for bucking it so much. Big Mac was actually crying at her shoulder for a moment before joining her in hugging it!”

“And I saw Lyra using her hooves to try to play her lyre,” Pinkie said. “I don’t know how she was expecting to play it, but she had such a massive smile on that I couldn’t bother her.”

I said, “I heard Zecora talking earlier. Normally she rhymes in a simple pattern, but today she was changing patterns every few sentences. I think she even stopped rhyming, at one point!”

Spike said, “Twilight was trying to study today, but every time she pulled out a book, she forgot what she was looking for. After half an hour, she finally gave up and just built a book fort. When I left, she was gearing up for a siege by the pony-head statue.”

“Well guys,” I said, “I think we can all agree that today has been a good day.” They all nodded, smiling. “And if anyone asks what the hell happened, no one says a damn thing. Right?” They all nodded again.

That really was an awesome day, though. And the best part is that no repercussions ever came from it, though Twilight did give me the stink eye for a while.

Oh, and given that no one knew when Taya’s birthday was, Pinkie decided to have it on the day I found her, which was sometime in June. I don’t keep specific records of shit like that, so we had it in the middle of June.

It was alright. We also didn’t know how old she was, but Twilight was able to form a rough guess, though no one told me and they always seemed to ignore me when I asked.

Seriously, how old are some of these damn ponies?

The day of the Gala dawned bright and clear, with nary a blemish of cloud in the sky. I was wearing my armor, since this was a formal event and Luna told me to. I obliged, since I knew she could make my life hard. And since I knew Twilight would make my life hard if I didn’t.

Eight of us were going to this one: Twilight and her crew of pony friends, me, and Spike. Taya was invited, but she decided against it. I was a little bit thankful for that, because I knew she would likely end up being next to me the entire night, and I was kind of hoping to have a chance to talk with a few people—and then spend the night alone in the garden.

All of Twilight’s friends aside from Rarity were quite surprised to see me wearing my armor. “Geez, Nav!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, “What did the princess have to threaten you with to get you to put that hunk of metal on?”

I faked a shudder. “Guard duty,” I answered. Rarity smiled while the rest looked confused.

“What’s so bad about guarding the princess?” Pinkie Pie asked. “That sounds like the easiest job ever!”

“Yeah,” Applejack confirmed. “Ain’t no pony gonna attack her!”

“And if anypony does, she’ll use her magic to stop them before you can even move!” Rainbow Dash finished.

“Exactly,” I answered. “It’s boring as hell. I had to do it once as a punishment and it was the most boring thing I’ve had to do since I helped Twilight in Egypt.”

“Hey, that was very interesting!” Twilight said, coming out of her dressing room. We were all at Rarity’s shop, getting dressed and ready to go.

“Yeah, if you’re an egghead!” Rainbow Dash answered. Twilight rolled her eyes while the rest of us giggled a bit.

“So when is our carriage supposed to get here?” Rarity finally asked, after we were all set to go.

“Oh! I almost forgot!” Twilight said as she led us outside. “They should be here any moment now.”

“‘They’ who?” I asked.

“Just wait a few minutes. They’ll get here and then you’ll see.”

I would have sat on the ground to wait, but that didn’t work well in my armor or with the axe I had on my back. I was saved the need to wait by a sight in the sky.

The rest of them noticed it as well. “Is that…” Spike whispered.

“Princess Luna?” Rarity finished, sounding a bit hopeful.

It certainly looked like the chariot she used all those years ago, when she visited us during the Nightmare Night festival. It got closer and I realized that it was the chariot, but that there wasn’t a princess in it.

“It’s her personal chariot,” I said.

“Yup!” Twilight answered. “I mentioned to Princess Celestia that we didn’t really have any transportation in mind. She apparently mentioned it to Princess Luna, who decided to lend us her own chariot, since she hasn’t used it in so long.” A few of us knew the reason she hadn’t, but the rest were clueless.

The chariot with its strange night guards landed without making a single sound. The guards never uttered a whisper and their footfalls were oddly muted. The chariot itself never once rattled or creaked. It was pretty awesome. Or at least, a few of us thought so.

“A-a-are you sure about this, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, looking at the thing with fear in her eyes.

“Absolutely!” Twilight answered. “Princess Luna wouldn’t ride in something that might hurt anypony.”

“Don’t worry about it, darling,” Rarity added. “I met Princess Luna during my last trip to Canterlot. She’s a wonderful pony! Good sense of humor, kind, respectful. I imagine she’d be able to be a good friend to anypony.”

Hearing Rarity say that assuaged the fear of the rest of them, who all piled on with ease. Fluttershy still looked at it a bit hesitantly, though. The guards were just staring straight ahead. I sighed and put my hand on Fluttershy’s back and bent down to whisper in her ear, “You can sit next to me.”

She blinked, and then shifted her gaze to her friends rather than the chariot. After a moment, she slowly boarded. I pulled myself up next to her, sitting on the edge; with all eight of us, it was a bit of a tight fit. I was hoping the guards would be able to carry us.

“We’re all set!” Spike announced, taking the position of the driver. I think he was too afraid to pull out any kind of whip on these pullers, but he also didn’t need to. As soon as they were told to go, they went.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to riding in a chariot flying above the clouds. But then, I didn’t think I would be able to get used to a lot of things. Namely, the fact that I was sitting next to several talking ponies, two of which could fly and two of which could do magic. And a dragon, of course. I suppose as time goes by, you can get used to anything.

We made pretty good time, thankfully. Rarity was complaining about her hair getting messed up in the wind, but she got over it. I really don’t know why they all decided to go this time, but whatever. I suppose Rarity wanted to talk to her snooty friends and Twilight was going out of obligation. But the rest? Meh.

When we got off the chariot, the guards flew it away before we could even say thanks. We missed the start of the Gala, but based on my… performance… during the last Gala, that might have been a good thing. We got into the party with absolutely no fanfare, other than a few ponies looking up to see who was opening the door.

My first goal was to get out to the garden. My second goal was to stay there all night until this thing was over.

I failed at both. Rarity immediately took me in hoof and dragged me off to see some of her rich people. I suppose the rest of our friends either scattered or stuck together; I don’t really know. I did know that I could feel Spike’s eyes boring a hole in my head, which was somewhat amusing.

Thankfully, Rarity led me to Fancy Pants instead of any of the other annoying ponies we had dealt with. “Ah, Navarone!” he said. “It is good to see you again! Your work for the princess goes well, I hope?”

“As well as any endeavors in that damnable forest.” I showed him what was left of my finger and he grimaced slightly. Thankfully, I was able to still use my gauntlets well enough. “The rest of the damage has healed, but I fear I’ll be missing this finger for a good little while.”

“Unfortunately, your line of work has an uncomforting rate of attrition. With as long as you spent in that dark place, you are lucky that was the only thing you lost.”

“Don’t I know it…” We shared a moment of silence, which Rarity decided to interrupt.

“So Fancy Pants, what all do you have planned for the Gala, and for the next few months?”

He started going over a list of engagements and plans and whatnot that I didn’t feel like remembering long enough to write down. He finished with, “And of course, you are both invited. I know the princess keeps you busy, Navarone, but surely you get some time off. And Rarity, I know you live in that little village, but it isn’t that long of a ride from there to here.”

I said, “I don’t know what kind of assignment I’ll get until I get it; Celestia does not believe in giving me advance notices.” I saw Fancy Pants look behind me and saw his face completely drop. “Of course,” I added, knowing exactly who I would see if I turned around, “I don’t suppose I can complain, since I haven’t asked her to.”

“You’re too savvy for your own good, Nav,” Celestia said behind me. “Fancy Pants, Rarity. I fear I must borrow Navarone for a few moments.”

“Your grace,” and “Yes, Princess,” answered her.

I turned and followed her. I didn’t bother slipping on the ring; she wouldn’t be hurting me in a setting as public as this. Then again, we didn’t appear to be heading towards a place that had a very public setting: She was leading me to a hall that led to a place I had grown quite familiar with.

“Celestia, I really hate this sitting room. Can we have this talk or whatever somewhere else?”

“You’re so picky, Nav. The layout of this room was designed with you in mind, you know.”

“That’s somewhat disturbing.”

“You’re a stranger in a strange land,” she answered. “I believed a small comfort such as a personalized sitting room would make you feel more at home.”

And then used it for every bad announcement you’ve ever given me. “Yeah. Sure.”

She just chuckled before going silent as we walked. It didn’t take us too long to get to the awful sitting room, though. “Ah, here we are,” she said, taking her habitual seat on one of the couches. I took the same chair I normally did. “See there? You’ve fallen into a habit, a clear sign of comfort for all creatures.”

“Or a sign of resignation. Can we discuss what we’re here to discuss so I can go hide?”

“It’s almost like you don’t enjoy spending any time with me!” I rolled my eyes. “Well, hiding might be difficult, given one of the tasks I have for you tonight…”

“I refuse to turn into a horse again. Fuck that.”

She just smiled. “Let’s get down to business, anyway. In a few months, you are going to be assigned as one of Cadance’s guards on a trip to the griffin capital, Gryphus. You should be gone for a few weeks.” I grimaced at that, not particularly wanting to spend more time with Cadance. “Tonight, you are going to be escorting Queen Chrysalis around the Gala. If this night goes well, there is just one more thing we need to do with her before she is locked as an ally, and you will be helping with that as well. That is everything I have planned for you in the coming months, but you know how volatile everything is. As a knight, you might be called on to do any number of things. As always, be prepared.”

“Now when you say that I’m escorting Chrysalis, what exactly does that entail? Am I guarding her or am I pretending to be her date?”

She gave me a womanly look. “Navarone, you’re currently promised to my sister in a few years. I’m not going to ask you to date somepony else. You are going to introduce Chrysalis around and guard her. I do not want anything to go badly this night.”

“Easy enough. Why isn’t she an official ally, though? We had her here as a prisoner. You could have forced her to sign anything.”

“Because ponies aren’t like that. I could have, yes, but I have learned in my long life that a willing ally is better than a reluctant ally. So you are going to escort her around and then you are going to help her deal with a small Diamond Dog problem.”

“‘Deal with?’ That sounds ominous.”

“I leave it up to you on how to solve that problem, Nav. Chrysalis wants them wiped out. I believe a peaceful, mutually beneficial resolution can be found. That said, I honestly don’t care how you do it. Those Diamond Dogs have been a nuisance ever since I allowed them to take residence in their mines. They have kidnapped a number of ponies, though most get released shortly after. The only reason I haven’t officially punished them yet is because an assault on tunnels is suicide when you don’t know the terrain.”

My eyebrows shot up. I was surprised she knew nothing about tactics. “They’re in caves though, right?” She nodded. “So shoot fireballs down there. That’ll incinerate them and all their air, so they’ll either burn to death or they’ll run out of oxygen and asphyxiate.”

She pulled away from me, her eyes widening. “Barbaric!” She sighed and leaned forward again, closing her eyes for a moment. “And why I keep you around.” Her eyes opened and narrowed on me for a moment. “Do not tell Chrysalis that unless killing them becomes your solution of choice. She could easily take that idea and use it herself and then claim we did not aid her as she asked.”

“So when am I going to start helping her with this?”

“In the coming weeks, probably. I trust that you can handle this, then?”

“I can handle Chrysalis, yeah. But must I deal with Cadance? You know how I feel about her.”

“You are an anomaly to her, Navarone. She is interested in you. If you tell her you finally agreed to date Luna, she might leave you alone.”

“No, then she’ll just gloat at me. I think I’ll just keep horrifying her. That was a lot of fun. And hey, you even got to help once!”

She grimaced lightly at that. “Yes, and I regret it. That was a particularly bad heat cycle for me. I think next year I’ll just prevent it.” She sighed and muttered, “I had to spend an hour coaxing her out of her room.” Louder, she said, “Deal with her as you will, as long as you protect her. Shining Armor and a few other guards will be with you as well. You are there more to impress the griffins than anything, but you still need to keep her safe. When you get back home after the Gala, you’ll find a present there that will help you.”

“Awesome. So where is Chrysalis? I suppose if I’m going to have to watch her, I might as well start now.”

“She’s listening at the door, though I asked her not to. She didn’t hear anything she shouldn’t have. Shall we return to the party, then?”

“Might as well. I know how much you love the Gala.”

“Quite. I somewhat hope there will not be anything odd happening at this one.” She stood and went to the door. She jerked it open, to reveal Chrysalis staring at us innocently from the other side, near the opposite wall.

I followed Celestia out and nodded to Chrysalis. “Been a while. How did you like the booze I left you?”

She grinned at that, baring her fangs. “It made for a suitable aid in a returning home celebration.” She turned to Celestia. “So he agreed?”

Celestia nodded. “He is your guide for the night. He will keep you out of trouble and will hopefully be able to introduce you to a few new ponies.” She turned to me. “Now you have her back home before midnight. I don’t need you corrupting my innocent little filly.”

Chrysalis did not look amused. I sighed. “Yes ma’am. I don’t suppose I can take her around the town, though?”

“That better not be innuendo, young stallion!” She gave me a mock glare before giggling. “Now go on. I’ll be going back to the party momentarily.”

Chrysalis looked at me and jerked her head down the hall. I walked by her side as we walked. “So. Navarone. What is this party like?”

“Boring as hell. We would probably have more fun sitting in the garden watching grass grow. I fear that is not an option, though. Do you want to meet the rich ponies or do you prefer to deal more with the commoners?”

“I am here to meet the kinds of ponies that come to parties like this, though honestly I would prefer to not be here at all. Such is the life of royalty, I suppose. How has your life been treating you since we last spoke?”

“Mostly alright. I got mauled in the Everfree forest, but such is the life of a knight. How are the love poisoned food-bags working?”

“Very well. None of my people go to bed hungry any longer. And they all quite like you because of it. You are a hero to the changelings, one of the few we’ve had. I don’t suppose you would mind visiting one of the hives near Ponyville sometime soon, would you?”

“Just visit? Or would you want me to help take care of a problem while I was there?”

“Oh, Celestia already told you? Yes, I want the Diamond Dogs eliminated. I believe that between you and Ditto, the task can be done with a minimum of changeling bloodshed, and hopefully with a large amount of Diamond Dog bloodshed.”

“And this couldn’t be handled peacefully?”

“Oh, it could. But we can talk about this matter later, in more depth. I believe we have a party to attend, and I believe we are coming up on it.”

Something occurred to me just then that should have been apparent to me sooner. “Chrysalis, before we enter the party, I have a warning to give you.” She gave me a surprised look. “This isn’t about you, so don’t worry.” She relaxed. “In the time since we last met, I made some enemies here in Canterlot. The kind of enemies that would attend a party like this. So we might well end up snubbed by some ponies because of that.”

She sniffed. “I don’t care. I’m sure whatever you did was well worth it, if it made you enemies of the elite.”

“Glad to see you’re nonchalant about it. Now then, shall we?”

We continued into the party proper. Celestia was already back in her place at the front. I didn’t see anyone I knew in the main foyer, so we continued along deeper into the party. We found Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Twilight in the dancing area. I led Chrysalis over to them.

We were getting quite a lot of looks from everyone, too. Me, because I’m always a tolerated outsider wherever I go that isn’t Ponyville. Chrysalis, because to the ponies her appearance is scarier than mine even with my armor.

So I wasn’t surprised at all when the three girls saw us coming over. They met us halfway. “Any of you three know where Rarity is?” I asked them.

They looked from me to Chrysalis to me again. “Sorry, but no,” Twilight answered.

Pinkie’s gaze didn’t quite make the transition back to me, I noticed. She was still looking at Chrysalis. “Yes, Pinkamena?” Chrysalis asked with a tone of I-can’t-believe-I-put-up-with-this.

“You can call me Pinkie! Why didn’t you dress up?”

I suppose I should point out that Chrysalis was not wearing a dress or anything of that sort as all the others were. “Because I am a queen. Being here is enough. Dressing is more than I care to do. Besides, I polished my carapace. Is that not good enough for you?”

Pinkie jumped in front of Chrysalis’s chest in a flash and tried to see her reflection in it. “It is nice and shiny!”

Twilight’s horn lit up and yanked Pinkie back. “That is not how to treat royal guests, Pinkie,” she said with a small sigh. “So what brings you here, Queen Chrysalis?”

“Your sadistic princess demanded I attend this blasted party if I wished to receive Navarone’s service in a coming campaign. It is a small price to pay.”

“Campaign?” Twilight asked in surprise. “What’s going on?”

“That’s none of your business,” I answered. Chrysalis looked at me for a moment before shrugging. “Do you at least know where we can start looking for Rarity, then? Celestia told me to introduce Chrysalis to some rich ponies, and wherever Rarity is, I’m sure she’ll have some boring rich guy wrapped around her finger.”

“But Rarity doesn’t have fingers!” Pinkie said, jerking her gaze away from Chrysalis for a moment.

“I’ll tell you if you dance with me,” Twilight said with a small smile.

I turned to Fluttershy. “What about you?”

“Um. I’ll tell you if you dance with Twilight?” I looked at Twilight to see her giving Fluttershy a look. She quickly jerked her head back to me.

I gave Chrysalis a side glance before looking back to Fluttershy. “What if I dance with a Twilight look-a-like?”

“Nope, gotta be me!” Twilight said.

“I wasn’t asking you, Twilight. I believe Fluttershy is her own per—pony.”

“Um. That would be… okay, I guess.” The last was mumbled.

I turned to Chrysalis to ask if she was interested, to find that she had already turned into Twilight. I held out an arm which she gladly took. I led her onto the floor.

“I didn’t know you could dance,” she commented in Twilight’s voice as we started.

“I’m a man of many talents,” I answered with a shrug. “Some of them are more useful than others. There are other mares I’d rather be dancing with rather than Twilight, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

She smiled sweetly. “Like your princess? Or maybe Luna?”

“Luna is my princess. I’m her knight, remember? Celestia is the other one, in this case. But yes, Luna is one of those I’d rather be dancing with. Possibly at the top of my list, honestly. Celestia is on there, but I think I’d be afraid to dance with her. She’s huge, compared to me. I’ve done it in the past, though.” I smiled. “You’re also on the list.”

She missed a step but quickly recovered. “Well, no pony said we had to be in a hurry,” she said after a moment. “After this dance, perhaps I can change back and we can continue.”

We continued the dance, each wearing a small smile. When it finished, she changed back, shocking quite a few nearby ponies. The next song quickly picked up and we danced to it as well. Twilight was glaring at us. Pinkie had disappeared, but I caught a glimpse of her near the band. Fluttershy was watching us with a small smile.

That song ended and I was about to call it when I heard the next song and stopped with a smile. “Hm… Interested in a slow dance?” I asked.

“I recognize this song… I know an old dance to it. Shall we?”

This was the song that Luna and I had danced to at that one Gala, right before we left for the maze. I noticed that Pinkie had rejoined the others.

“Let’s,” I said. We danced to that one, getting closer together than would have been allowed at most high schools.

It was pretty fun.

Until we left the floor and found Luna waiting on us, with a smug looking Twilight at her side. “Sup, Luna?” I asked.

“Hello, Nav,” she answered. Well, she didn’t sound angry. “Chrysalis, my sister told me you would be here tonight, and that Navarone would be escorting you. I didn’t know you knew any pony dances anymore.”

Chrysalis said, “Some things are hard to forget, Luna. That is not a discussion for here, though.”

“No, I suppose not. I see my knight is treating you well, though. If either of you need assistance on this night, feel free to find me or Celestia. I fear I must get back to what I was doing, however. Until later,” she finished with a nod, breaking away from the group.

Twilight stared after her in confusion, before giving me a mean look. “Check the dining area,” she said in a strained voice. She stalked off into the small crowd around us.

Wait, small crowd? I looked around, thinking. Well, Chrysalis is pretty noticeable and we both attract attention. I suppose being peaceful and dancing will draw some people. The two of us spent an hour talking to those rich boring bastards.

Until a grey pony with dark hair walked up and ahemmed rather loudly. “I think I’ve seen you around Canterlot before, human.” His accent was enough to make me want to pimp slap him with my gauntlet on.

“That’s not surprising, pony.” He flinched a bit when I called him pony. I continued, “I’ve been in this world for a few years and I’ve walked around Canterlot in the past.”

“Indeed. I think you were at a garden party, the most recent time.”

I smiled, knowing what he was trying to do. “Yes, I was. I remember that party fondly. I got to put a royal twat in his place.”

All the ponies around me gasped and the person accusing me pulled back, his eyes widening. He recovered quickly, though, I’ll give him that. “So you’re saying you did kill Blueblood?”

“Oh, no. We had a duel. I won. He stalked off afterward. There were several witnesses that saw him walk away.”

“Oh there were?” he said, his tone turning mocking. “And who might they be?”

“I was one of them,” Fancy Pants said, stepping out of the crowd. He glared the grey stallion down. “Is there something you need, Jet Set? Or were you just trying to dig a hole you won’t be able to get out of?”

Jet Set gulped, taking a step back. I smiled. “Why are you bringing it up?” I asked. “Are you interested in a duel yourself?” His pupils retracted. I reached my arm around behind me for my axe and he was gone before I even touched it.

Chrysalis let out her adorable little chuckle. Fancy Pants turned to us. I held up a fist. He looked at it in surprise for a moment before smiling and hitting it with his hoof. “It has been a while since I greeted somepony that way,” he commented. “It is nice to see you again, Navarone. And this is Queen Chrysalis, I presume?” At my nod, he gave her a bow. “A pleasure, my lady.”

She smiled at that. “It is nice to meet you, gentlecolt. Though I did not catch your name.”

“Fancy Pants, at your service,” he said, rising. “I see you have already met some of the more distinguished ponies of Canterlot.” Most of the small crowd around us had made themselves scarce when I reached for my axe, though. “I fear Navarone here has a fun habit of scaring rich ponies away.” He smiled. “I might have to hire him as a bodyguard one day, if the princesses would allow it.”

I waved a hand. “Fuck them. I’m a free man; I do what I want. You ever want to hang and I’m not busy, I’m in. You seem pretty cool, for a rich guy.”

“I didn’t understand half of what you just said, but I think it’s a good thing,” he commented before turning back to Chrysalis. “If you would like to meet some of the more… tolerable… of Canterlot society, you are welcome to join me.”

She looked to me and I nodded. She turned back to him. “Very well, Fancy Pants. Navarone will have to come with us, though; Celestia assigned him to watch me for the night.”

He nodded. “That’s quite alright, I assure you. He is welcome. Come.”

I don’t want to talk about the next few hours. It was so very, very boring. It was rich ponies talking about rich pony things. Fancy Pants would probably be bro material if I could get him away from this stuffy place, but I know duty required me to be here. That kind of sucked, but c’est la vie.

A lot of the rich ponies there weren’t that bad, but they were still stuffier than those I was used to. And they were mostly toadies, trying to work their way into the good graces of those above them.

As it turned out, I was apparently one of those now above them. That irritated the shit out of me, and I told them to knock it off because I knew what they were doing and it wouldn’t work.

That got a lot of nervous laughs and averted gazes before they disappeared into the masses. I caught Chrysalis giving me an approving look before she looked away.

Anyway, that’s all I really have to say about that.

I escorted Chrysalis to the edge of the party area. “That was an… interesting… experience,” she commented. “I do not envy Celestia in the slightest. We changelings do not have such events as this.”

“Oh man, I think I’ll come to chill with you guys next year so I can avoid going to this party again. I hate the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“You know you are always welcome, Navarone. My changelings would be happy to have you, and I know I would as well.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why do you always use full names instead of any familiar versions?”

She jerked back a bit, looking somewhat confused. Her eyes widened after a moment. “Oh. That habit. I… avoid getting close to anypony. There are reasons behind it. Private reasons.”

“I understand privacy. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I just thought it was a strange habit, is all. Do you need anything else before I turn in?”

“I don’t suppose I could trouble you for another morsel? Your memories have a unique taste that I’ve come to enjoy.”

“Help yourself,” I replied. “You know what I don’t mind you taking.”

“Quite trusting, Navarone,” I heard Luna say as she walked up behind me.

I turned to face her. “Chrysalis and I formed a bond of sorts,” I said. “It is hard, being predators forced to live subservient to prey.”

“I see.” Her tone was not comfortable. She turned to Chrysalis. “Perhaps you’d be willing to feed off me, instead? I have something in which you might be interested.”

Chrysalis looked into Luna’s eyes for a moment before nodding. “Very well, Luna.” They stepped close. Chrysalis’s horn lit up green and shot out to hit Luna. They stood like that for a long while, eyes locked. The glow finally stopped and I noticed they were both smiling. Chrysalis turned to me. “Thank you, Nav. I will see you when you visit the hive near Ponyville.” It wasn’t until she was walking away that I noticed what she called me.

Luna said, “Come along, Nav.” I walked next to her as she led me to the gardens. “I had a talk with Twilight about you. She’ll be less bothersome now, I believe,” she said as we walked along a path.

“Thank you. She has been acting this way ever since… Well, since I helped her deal with her heat problem. I did not realize at the time what a mistake that would turn out to be.”

“There was a lot you could have done to minimize the damage. But that is neither here nor there. My sister has a busy schedule for you, but I want to remind you that you are still my knight. You are not required to follow Celestia’s orders any longer. I ask that you do anything she requests that you think will help Equestria, though. And I also ask that you report to me anything she requests that you do.”

“Those seem reasonable. She asked me to escort Chrysalis tonight. She said I’ll be helping Chrysalis and her changelings deal with a Diamond Dog problem soon. Celestia doesn’t care if I kill all the dogs or search for peace. Chrysalis seems to want to kill them. I’ll learn more before I decide what I’ll do. Celestia also wants me to escort Cadance to the griffin capital in a few months. That’s all she told me.”

“She told me about all of those. I believe your friends are staying in the palace overnight, is that correct?” I nodded. “Come along, then. The party is over, and now the real fun can begin!” Stupid horny princesses. Not that I was complaining, mind, but still!

We got back home with no problems. When I got up to my room, I saw something that made me smile wide: A masterfully made steel crossbow. I dropped my bag of armor and cradled the crossbow, seeing how different it was from the crappy wooden one I had used for so long. Cocking is easier. It’s heavier and the end is padded so the recoil is probably lessened. I bet those sights are perfectly accurate.

I set the crossbow down and started walking around the room to get everything I’d need to head to my makeshift shooting range. That included my ring, the key, my sword, some knives, plenty of bolts, and finally the crossbow.

That done, I took it all out to the range. The crossbow shot perfectly. I bet even Spike could use this thing. I smiled at that. I could take him hunting and let him get his first kill.

When I got back to the library, I found that it was empty, which was an uncommon occurrence. I mean, sure Twilight got out a lot and Spike wasn’t tied here, but Taya doesn’t go out much without me.

I smiled to myself. Free day. I put most of the shit up in my room and flew up to a nearby cloud and just laid back. It’s always nice to be able to just take a day off.

What sucks is that I’m so rarely given the opportunity to do it. I was up there for maybe half an hour when I felt four hard points driving into my body. I opened my eyes and saw Rainbow Dash staring at me. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, Nav!”

“Well, you found me. Congratulations.” I let my eyes shut again, but she drove one of her hooves into my chest. I opened them again. “What did you need, again?”

“Twilight said you need to do your knightly duties. C’mon Nav, get up!”

“What kind of knightly duties? And if Twilight is involved, why didn’t she just teleport me to her?”

“She said you were wearing your stupid ring or something. And the kind of knightly duties that require you to act as judge!”

“Back up.” She didn’t move. “What about me being a judge?” And what about me wearing the ring? I’m on a cloud!

She rolled her eyes. “Just go get your axe!” With that, she somehow grabbed me and threw me off the cloud. I fell for a few feet before catching myself. I sighed as I flew to the library. Rainbow Dash followed me, obviously impatient.

I landed in front of the library and pushed the door open, half expecting a surprise party or something. There was still no one there. I grabbed my axe and found Rainbow Dash waiting for me downstairs. “So now what?” I asked her.

“Just come on!” She led me out and jumped into the air. I closed the door behind me and followed her into the air. She led me straight to the center of town.

I landed in the center of a largish crowd. Twilight and Applejack were in the center, with two raggedy colts and a slightly less raggedy filly. Mayor Mare was standing to the side, and I saw two royal guards there as well.

“Alright, what’s going on?” I asked, striding up to Twilight. “And why are there three starving kids here?”

Twilight and Applejack looked at me with confusion. “Starving?” Twilight finally forced out.

I looked at her for a moment before turning to one of the colts. I bent down and pulled his face up so he could look me in the eye. I recognized that look he gave me. I let his head fall again and stood up. “Yep. This one is, at least. I see that hunger there.” I tapped his side with the handle of my axe, making him flinch back. “You can see his ribs right there, too. Same for the other colt. The filly is a little better off.” I turned to Applejack. “You catch these three stealing apples?”

She nodded, her eyes wide. “How’d you know?”

I scoffed. “They’re starving. I had to do worse when I was in Egypt. At least they didn’t try to murder you for them.” I turned to the three kids. “How long have you three been away from home?”

One of them mumbled something.

“I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Talk louder.”

“We don’t have a home,” one of the colts said.

“Huh. Welcome to the Ponyville, kids.” I turned to Applejack. “How much did they take?”

“A few dozen apples,” she finally said. “I didn’t know they were starving, though!”

“No, I didn’t reckon you would,” I answered. I turned back to the kids. “How long has it been since any of the three of you ate?”

More mumbles.

“Speak UP, kid! For Christ’s sake, if I’m getting pulled off my cloud for this, I’m going to make this quick. How long?”

“Days.”

“Thank you.” I turned back to AJ. “I’ll pay for whatever they took.” I turned back to the kids. “I’m giving you three a choice. These two royal guards here can take you to Canterlot, where you can go to Celestia’s orphanage. Or you can stay here in Ponyville and try to find a job or something. AJ here might let you work at her farm, if you ask nicely and apologize for stealing. I suggest the orphanage, honestly, even though I fucking hate Canterlot. But if you prefer an honest living, you won’t find one more honest than farming.”

More mumbles.

I turned to Twilight. “Do magic on this colt to make everything he say three times louder.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Nav,” she said.

“Twilight, who has the big axe, me or you?” She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed for a moment.

“Alright, random colt, what’ll it be? Orphanage or staying here?”

“Can I… talk it over with them?” he asked.

“Sure.” I crossed my arms, watching them.

“Uh, in private?”

“Oh hell no. You can do it right here. ‘Can I talk to my friends in private’ is code for ‘We’re ditching this place and running away where we’ll be starving again in a day or two.’ You’re free to bail on this place as soon as you give living here a chance. Running from the orphanage is your own problem, but it would be a lot easier to keep you in the orphanage if Celestia wanted to keep you there. So your choice, kids. Try living in Ponyville or go to the orphanage in Canterlot.”

“Then can you at least turn this thing on my voice off?” the colt asked.

I nodded at Twilight. Her horn glowed a moment.

The filly spoke up. “If we promise not to run away, can we talk in private?”

“Twilight, give them a bubble. Something they can’t get out of and we can’t hear what they say.” Her horn glowed again and a transparent purple bubble appeared around them. One of them tapped it and grimaced when he found that he couldn’t escape. They got down to discussing. “Mayor Mare.” She jerked when I looked at her. “Why am I dealing with this? I thought I had to do this crap when a public official was not available. And why is there a crowd?”

“Well, Twilight said we should send for you, since this seemed like an easy case…”

I started glaring at Twilight as soon as the mayor mentioned her name. She was grinning sheepishly. I turned back to the mayor, trying to calm myself. “And the crowd?”

“My fault, sugarcube,” Applejack said. “I was uh… raising a bit of a scene as I dragged these three into town.”

I turned back to the kids. They were looking at me. One seemed to be knocking on the barrier. “Twilight, be ready to grab them if they run off.” She nodded. “Let them out.” She did. They didn’t try to make a run for it.

“Alright, what’s your choice?” I asked them.

“Orphanage,” the spokes-colt said.

“Alright. Good luck in life, kids.” I turned to the guards. “Can you two make sure they get to Canterlot? And that means watching them, because as soon as they get out of my sight, they’re going to make a break for it.” The filly let out an ‘eep.’ I turned to them. “I understand, kids. I know you’re used to being together and you’re worried that you’ll be pulled apart when you get to the orphanage. Celestia is a very understanding lady. She’ll make sure you’re well taken care of. You’re going into an uncertain future from a depressing past and that probably scares you. It’ll be okay.” I turned back to the guards. “Can you two handle it?”

They saluted. “Yes sir!”

“Good. Don’t hurt them, please. Honestly, if you can hold onto the filly, you’ll probably be able to keep the other two under control easily enough.” I turned to the crowd. “What are you still doing here, ponies?” They started dispersing. I turned to Applejack. “How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing, Nav. I don’t charge starving foals for food.” She turned to the kids. “But if I catch you three in my fields again without having asked me first, you’re going to be working off your debt.” They didn’t meet her gaze. She nodded after a moment and walked off.

I nodded to the guards, who began herding the kids away. I slid my axe into its holder and jumped into the air, only to find myself dragged down by a purple aura. “What, Twilight?” I asked.

“How do you always know it’s me?”

“Because the aura is purple. What do you want?”

“First, I want you to explain about this ‘aura’ I’ve heard you mentioning. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard you talk about it.”

“You mean you really don’t see it?” She shook her head. “Alrighty then. Every time a unicorn uses magic, I see an aura around their horn. It’s usually the color of the horn itself. That’s how I immediately knew something was off when Chrysalis was hiding as Cadance; Cadance has a bluish glow, while Chrysalis has a greenish glow. And whatever the unicorn manipulates also gets an aura. Right now, I see a purple aura around me. And when several unicorns manipulate the same object, the colors meld.”

“Hm… We’re going to have to test that… Why didn’t you ever mention it before?”

“I thought it was normal. Where’s Taya, anyway? I haven’t seen her in a little while.”

“She’s with Pinkie,” Twilight said distractedly. “So you see an aura for every unicorn that does magic? What’s Luna’s?”

“Blue. Celestia’s is gold.”

She trotted to the library, holding me behind her. I sighed and got as comfortable as I could. We made it quickly enough, thankfully. We did get a few stares, but it wasn’t exactly an uncommon sight, I’m sad to say.

Thankfully she set me down when we got inside. I casually slipped on my ring while she was rummaging around for paper and whatnot. She found what she was looking for easily enough and began testing my ‘magic sensing ability,’ as she called it.

I was able to accurately tell every time she manipulated something in the library. I would have questioned her as to why she was doing this when I already told her what I could do, but this was Twilight we were talking about. She would probably repeat all the tests when Taya got back to make sure I could do it with other unicorns.

And she did, of course. She tested me for hours. She even sent for Rarity to test me some more. So much for my free day…

Chapter Forty-Four—A visit to a changeling hive

Chapter Forty-Four—A visit to a changeling hive

A few weeks later, a shiny black carriage pulled up right outside the library and a regal-looking Queen Chrysalis stepped out. She proceeded to knock on the door of the library for half an hour before she realized no one was there.

She reported that to me an hour later when she found us all chilling at the park. She was rather displeased. Displeased enough to pull me away from a picnic with friends, that’s for sure.

I rubbed the back of my head in her carriage as it started up again. “You didn’t have to throw me in here, you know!” Taya had managed to hop inside before the door closed, at least.

“I didn’t have to, but I think it was funny,” she replied. “And your daughter does not seem to mind.”

“That’s because she’s sadistic. Where are we going?”

“Back to the library, first. You are going to get everything you need to eliminate a mine full of Diamond Dogs. And then we are going to the hive outside this town, where you are going to plan an assault on a mine full of Diamond Dogs. And then you are going to a mine full of Diamond Dogs to kill them all.”

“Sounds simple enough. If you have enough magic, I could have it done in about an hour. Or however long it takes to find all the entrances.”

Her eyes widened. “How much magic would you need?”

I shrugged. “Depends on how big their cave is. How much does it take to make a fireball?”

She gave me an evil grin. “Not much. This might be easier than we thought.”

“I don’t suppose you could give some manner of peace a chance though, could you? I mean, dogs are annoying as hell and Celestia did give me permission to wipe them off the face of Equestria, but still.”

“We could, but I’d rather not.” We arrived at the library just then. The door popped open and Chrysalis exited first. Taya followed her and I was the last out. I opened the door and went on in. Chrysalis followed me in and looked around, somewhat impressed. “We do not have many libraries in the hives,” she commented idly. “Do you mind if I look around?”

“I don’t care. Twilight might, but she’s been a bitch to me lately, so do what you want.”

She walked around. I went on upstairs. Taya stayed below with Chrysalis. I quickly threw my armor on and grabbed all the weapons and gear I needed. I took my axe instead of my sword because apparently it’s important or something. I was back down within fifteen minutes.

Long enough for the two of them to be standing in the center of the room watching me descend with the most innocent of expressions on their faces.

“What did you do?” I asked them.

“Why, what makes you think we did anything, Nav?” Chrysalis asked, sounding somewhat shocked that I would imply such a thing.

“Whatever it was, I hope you got her good,” I said. “Shall we?” They grinned as we all headed to the door. Chrysalis led the way up to the chariot and we all piled in again. “Alright, despite what Celestia may have told you, I’m not a big fan of genocide. I’ll kill them if I have to since the Holocaust never happened here so the Nuremberg defense can be applied, but I’d rather not. So why can’t peace be had?”

“I don’t know what the Holocaust is or what the Nuremberg defense is. Explain.”

“The Holocaust was an attempted genocide against a group of people in my world. The Nuremberg defense was the attempts of the soldiers that helped to get out of trouble. They explained that because they were only following orders, it excused them from whatever horrible things they did. That shit didn’t fly, even with my fucked up people.” I waved a hand. “Enough of that. I saved you so your people wouldn’t die. Why should I commit genocide in your name against another people that have done nothing to me?”

“They break into our tunnels occasionally. When they do, they tend to drag some of my changelings out with them to be used as slave labor. They have, in the past, stolen eggs from my people as well. The gems they steal, I do not mind. The adult changelings they steal, I can get over. But they took eggs, Navarone. Innocent changelings, unborn. If they were allowed to hatch at all, they were raised directly into slavery, never knowing another life. I would not be surprised if the ignorant dogs did not just crush the eggs as soon as they were in their caves, or eat them.”

“I agree that it’s pretty fucked up. But how are you sure these are sanctioned actions? And what manner of revenge have you ordered done to the dogs? There are two sides to every story, Chrysalis.”

“We are not innocent, no. But we did not start the raids, Nav. That, I swear. We have never taken any of their children, for the dogs don’t have any in that mine; it is just adults there.”

“I see. Would it be possible to arrange a meeting with their leaders, then? I would like to talk with them before I decide one way or another.”

She nodded. “Of course. I admit that I hope you will be disappointed, but if you think that you can resolve this peacefully, I will work to do it peacefully. Now that food is no longer a problem, though, we do need more room to expand…”

“I do not want to meet them with a changeling obviously near me. Can you give me a few troops or something and a few wagons? A trading caravan would easily draw some dogs out, I believe. From there, we can make a few disappear and send some of your changelings down to scout the tunnels out to find any slaves down there that might need to be liberated. While they’re doing that, I can begin talking to the dogs, see what’s on their mind about you guys.”

She nodded. “That is possible. The dogs are usually on good terms with the ponies. We’ve never heard of them taking more than one or two ponies alone at a time, and they rarely do that much. A traveling caravan should be safe.”

We planned it out on the way to the hive. About thirty changelings, twenty traders and ten guards. I would be the head of the security detachment. Or rather, I would be the fake head of it; one of the changelings would actually be in charge. Chrysalis would be the head of the actual caravan. Another changeling would lead the scouting expedition into their tunnels. It’s hard to fuck up such a relatively simple plan, right?

…Right?

We made it to the hive in pretty good time. “I warn you, Navarone: when I said you were considered a hero by my changelings, I meant it. Most of the soldiers there at the attack on Canterlot came from this hive, and they all know of you and what you did for them.” We were still in the chariot at the time, and were just about to get out and head down one of the surface tunnels.

“I don’t suppose it’s possible to skip entering the hive, then? I never liked the hero’s welcome. Especially since I’m such a—” My eyes caught Taya glaring at me. “Well, never mind about that. But must we enter the hive?”

Chrysalis grinned. “Now that I know it’ll make you uncomfortable, yes. Just be glad that I won’t make you give any speeches. Although… I don’t suppose you would be willing to carry me in, would you?”

“As in, pick you up in my arms and carry you?” She nodded. “Why?”

“It would be funny.”

“I’m not particularly strong, Chrysalis. That’s why I use weapons instead of punching things. I can barely carry Taya anymore.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Fine. Be that way.” The carriage door opened and she serenely exited, doing her best to look regal. She did a pretty good job, I’ll admit. I followed her out, looking significantly less regal. Given that we didn’t have an audience aside from the carriage changelings, that wasn’t really a problem. Taya joined us as we walked toward a tunnel.

A tunnel that led straight down. Even with my augmented eyes, I couldn’t see the bottom. “Holy hell,” I said, looking down. “How deep is this?”

“Oh, a few hundred meters. We plan most of our entrances like this so we don’t get many… unwanted visitors. It goes straight down,” Chrysalis answered.

“That’s really unsafe, in terms of actual defense. But we can discuss that more when you are actually an ally of Equestria rather than just… whatever you are right now.”

She nodded. “Very well. The few guests we bring down usually have to be brought down with magic. I can do that for you both, or we can fly down. The choice is yours.”

“Is it a massive chamber on the other side? Or is it just a sudden stop?”

“It is a large chamber, yes.” I grinned. “Why?”

“Taya, come on over.” She did. I picked her up. “Hold on as tight as you can.”

“Nav, what are you—” I jumped, after checking to make sure I didn’t have my ring on. I grinned as I turned in the air, falling headfirst down the insanely long tunnel.

After a few long seconds of straight falling, we entered a large chamber. I saw that we still had a few hundred feet before we hit the bottom, so I didn’t open my wings yet. Taya was still holding on as tightly as she could. I saw a large number of changelings looking up from whatever they were doing to see the angelic figure falling from the sky, shrouded by what little sunlight was left down at this depth.

When I was about halfway to the ground, I threw my wings open. It felt like I slammed into a wall of air, and Taya loosened a bit in my arms before normal gravity—normal for Ponyland, that is—asserted itself and we began to glide out of it. I was able to catch a glimpse of Chrysalis following in my wake, and did my best to slow down so she could catch up. I gave her a grin that she met with a glare that slowly resolved into a grin of her own.

She finally drew my attention to an area on the ground where I assumed she wanted us to land. I followed her over to it. There was already a crowd of changelings around it. We landed, her with grace and poise, me with a loud thump as my armored boots hit the stage. Stage? Oh balls. I set Taya down. She looked around before settling as close as she could get to me.

“Greetings, subjects,” Queen Chrysalis said. I say Queen there because she had taken on a considerably queenlier look and voice. “I believe many of you have heard of Sir Navarone.” I felt a large number of eyes shift to me. Felt rather than seen; these changelings didn’t have pupils, their entire eye was blue. She continued, “He is here to visit for a few days. If all goes well, he will be helping us remove the Diamond Dog nuisance. I trust you will all treat him with the respect due a visiting dignitary. And do not feed off him. Do not even ask. The same goes for the little filly next to him. Now please, go about your day.”

The crowd dispersed. It was eerie, how quiet they were. Not silent—there was some talking, but it was all muted. As they started disappearing, I turned to Chrysalis and said, “I think I like it here. The people are a lot quieter than ponies. I somewhat expected cheering.”

She smiled. “Changelings do not cheer. The sounds would carry too far in the tunnels, creating terrible echoes for any of my subjects further in. Most rarely talk at all. Now come, we need to find Ditto to get what we need.” She began walking to what looked like a collection of buildings.

I noticed she didn’t have any guards. “Do you not worry about assassination attempts down here?” I asked as we walked.

She smiled again. “We have few enemies and none that could hide among my changelings. There are a few rogue hives scattered about, but all are small and none wish any harm upon me. Most rogue hives quite like me, but choose to remain away from my rule for some reason or another. A few come back into the fold every now and then, as they fall under hard times. Now that we have food in excess, I believe I will have no trouble convincing most hives to come back. Crime is also a non-issue.”

“Sounds quite nice. Crime is rare in Ponyland, but I had to judge a few food thieves a few weeks ago. Poor starving kids… Hope they’re doing alright.”

She sighed. “That’s not to say we’re a perfect society, Nav. We do have our problems, they just aren’t apparent from an outsider looking in. I had to sacrifice much in order to keep my changelings alive for so long.” She grit her teeth and glared ahead. “And the peace treaty I was forced to sign did not do wonders, either.” She shook her head. “But if that is what it takes to begin changing things, it is a price I am willing to pay. Ask your questions; I’m sure you have more.”

I nodded to the buildings. “Why build things? Why not just carve your homes into the rock?”

“Style, of course. And… as a reminder of the way things once were.” That sounded ominous.

It also wasn’t my business, and from her tone, she didn’t really want to talk about it. “So how are those changelings with different tastes liking the infinite love thing you’ve got going on?”

“When their choice is something they don’t prefer versus nothing, they’ll happily take what they don’t prefer. A few of them like sadness, though, and that is easy enough to replicate given the tools we have. And happiness comes with love. Lust is relatively easy, also. Anger is a lot harder, but… most of my subjects that like anger do not last long.” That also sounds ominous.

“So how long did it take to build this place?”

“A few years. Not that long at all; swarms are great at simple tasks. It took longer to plan than it took to build, I know that much. There are several underground pods around here that are similar, but this is the epicenter of activity and the largest of the pods. Any newer areas are built with less planning, but are still built well enough to last. There haven’t been any cave-ins because of changeling activity in a long time. The dogs have done some things to force cave-ins, and we’re still fixing one pod from when a dragon landed too hard on the area above it, but for the most part, disasters are uncommon. We no longer need most of the substitute food we used to eat, so the workers we had doing that have been mostly assigned to upkeep.” Assigned? Meh.

“What kind of population do you have down here?”

She smiled smugly. “Around five thousand. This is a decently sized hive, which is one of the reasons I want to get rid of the Diamond Dogs.” I wonder why she’s smug about that.

“A nice size, for a city on this world. What’s the size of the main hive?”

“Around ten thousand. What do you mean, this world? What are cities like where you come from?”

“Oh, they have a few million living in them. What’s the main hive like? Similar to this?”

She had stopped. “Million? I remember looking into your mind, but I don’t remember millions!”

“Well, yeah. I don’t know a million people. I was a recluse.” And look where that got me. “When I left there were nearly seven billion on the planet.”

Her mouth dropped.

I was looking around at a few of the changelings near us. “You know, changelings do look a lot lighter than ponies. I might be able to pick one up. What do you think, Taya?”

“You never know until you try.”

I looked back to Chrysalis, who looked like she was still having a hard time imagining seven billion people. I shrugged, leaned over, and scooped her up. “Wow, she is a lot lighter. I bet the regular changelings would weigh about as much as you, Taya.”

“Nav, you can put me down now.”

“I thought you said you wanted me to carry you earlier.”

“I changed my mind. Put me down.” I did and we continued on. “Now, what was your question? I seem to have… well, what was it?”

“What’s the main hive like?”

“Similar to this, but with more changelings out and about. It’s a lot larger and more fancy.”

I noticed something, then: There were no lights. “Taya, how are you seeing?”

“I’m following your voice and avoiding all the glowing eyes.”

“No, that won’t do. Come here.” She did. I picked her up. With my axe on my back, I had to hold her in my arms, but that wasn’t really a problem.

“There will be lights in the planning room, Navarone, and more in every other building. We just don’t keep the city proper lit because we don’t need the lights to see enough to get around.”

“Good. And if I’m going to be here for days, you do have food for her, right?”

“Of course. We have to feed our love slaves something, after all.”

“Awesome. What do you guys use for currency?”

“Chunks of ore. They are actually useful, rather than useless bits. Gold is a terrible metal to do anything with. The only reason it has value is because Celestia forces it to have value.”

“Do you understand the reasoning? Or do you want me to explain it to you?”

“I understand the reasoning. It does not apply to my society. We prefer practicality.”

“And yet you decided to make buildings rather than carve from the rock.”

“These buildings were made from stone. No one says you can’t have both, Nav. They were built with the stone dug out while we carved this pod.”

We were into the city itself, now. The buildings were pretty large, but the entrances were relatively small. It was about like Canterlot, in a way. There was a lot less style, though, and most of the colors were black and green. It reminded me more of my short stay in this world’s Spain than anything else. “Have you ever been to Barcelona or San Sebastian, Chrysalis? This hive reminds me of them, in a way.”

She shook her head. “I’ve never been away from this mainland, Nav. Or rather, I haven’t in any recent time.”

“I suggest it. Some of the places across the sea are quite nice, and you would probably enjoy the Europe party next year. Hell, you might be able to get some changelings into the tournament at the end. I won it this year, but Celestia banned me because of how I won it.”

“Because you were smart, you mean.” I nodded. “I don’t suppose you would be willing to be my military advisor? Ditto knows his craft, I will admit, but we have not been in any open fights recently. We do not know how battle tactics have changed with time.”

“The only conflicts I’ve been involved in were small-time things. I helped plan a great retreat across a hostile country, but that was the biggest thing I’ve done.”

“From what I’ve heard, though, you have a very high success rate.”

“That’s because humans were made for this kind of shit. If you absolutely, positively must kill every motherfucker in the room, call for a human.”

“If you weren’t carrying a filly in your arms and stroking her hair occasionally, I would be quivering in my carapace.”

“That’s part of the reason we’re made for it. We have the ability to disconnect like nothing you’ve ever seen. One minute we’re fighting someone and the next we’re their best friends. It’s harder for some than others and if the fighting is worse than normal it’ll take longer, but we can adapt to just about anything. When I think back to some of the things we’ve done, the only thing I can say is fuck yeah, humanity.”

“Hm. I might have to learn the spell to summon some of you for myself, then…”

“No. I’ve grown to like you too much to have to kill you. This world does not need humans. I still don’t have an honest niche worked out.”

“Well, you’re my dad,” Taya said, breaking her silence.

“That hardly counts, I wouldn’t think.”

“You’re also a knight,” Chrysalis added.

“God, don’t remind me. At least I managed to spell out a sob story to get Luna to revoke my oaths. I’m still a knight, but I’m not forced to follow orders anymore.”

“That is good. I would not want somepony that loved me to have control over me. Though I also can’t imagine somepony loving me at all…”

“That’s actually one of the arguments I used. It was very effective. But no, this world honestly doesn’t need any humans at all. Or I should rather say, the ponies don’t need any humans at all. They are peaceful, and do not desire war or battle. It is a shame I was forced to stay long enough to get trapped there.”

“Someone needs to keep them out of the fire, though,” Chrysalis said. “If you had not been there, I would have ruled them and destroyed them. They need a defender of some kind.”

“There are plenty of races out there that could do just as well of a job as me, or better. Naga, griffins, dragons, even dogs, if you could find some that weren’t total assholes. Luna has a pretty good dragon friend we found just recently that might be willing to help.” I thought it best I leave out the part that I was the one that found him.

“But all of those races have stakes in this world. They all want what is best for their own species. But you… You are the only one of your kind here. It is cruel, what they did to you. It makes you a wonderful tool, though.” I feel like I’ve had this conversation before.

“Yeah.” I felt it best to leave it at that. “How far do we have until we get to wherever we’re going?”

“We’re there now, actually.” We were in front of a building much larger than most of the others around us. It was eerie, looking at all of those buildings but not seeing a single window. There was a single set of large doors in the center of the building and that was that. Chrysalis led the way inside, opening the doors with a green glow. Light actually streamed out of the building.

I set Taya down. My arms were starting to get tired anyway. She followed me as I entered the building behind Chrysalis. Inside was not at all what I was expecting. Instead of a welcoming desk, there was just a directory. There was a single light shining on it. Hallways led off to both sides, with more halls jutting off from those. There was a single hallway going down the center that Chrysalis was walking down already. We hurried to catch up; I wasn’t going to get lost in this fucking place.

There weren’t many lights there, either. Just the one in the entrance, and a light streaming out of every room we passed that had an open door. It was enough for Taya to see, at least. “Chrysalis, this place is depressing as hell,” I finally said.

“It is efficient. We do not have as much magic as the ponies do. We light up the rooms so our workers can see. Any more is a waste of power.”

“So why not just use electricity and light bulbs? You could light up the entire cave that way.”

“What is electricity?”

Oh shit. I explained that concept to Twilight a long time ago and she laughed at me. Everything the ponies have is powered by magic. I wanted to make a generator or something as a proof of concept, but honestly… why? I mean, with the things electricity could do, I could make pegasi and unicorns relatively obsolete.

“Electricity is what people in my world used since we didn’t have magic. Our society was more technologically advanced than the ponies are. Hell, we were more advanced than the ponies will probably ever be; they seem stagnant in terms of technology. But with it, we could create light. We could power cities full of people. It took resources to do, but you could probably substitute those resources with magic. Use a little magic to power the generators to create enormous amounts of electricity. You could power factories, rail cars, light, and so much more.”

Her eyes widened. “And you could teach my changelings this?”

“I could give you the basics. I didn’t know too much about it, but I could make you a really small generator. From there, you would have to let your scientists take over. Honestly, I don’t even know if you could do it within a generation. It took my people a long time to figure out that electricity even had a use, let alone all the science behind it. There’s a lot of physics involved, but if you could dig into my memories and find the things I forgot, it could be done.”

“The Diamond Dogs can wait.” She stopped in the middle of a hall. “Prepare your mind, Navarone!”

I didn’t even have time to stop before she ripped into me. She discarded all of my recent memories, digging deeper she ever had before. You want memories of my past life? TAKE THEM! I gave her everything horrible humanity had ever done to itself. Pictures, statistics, events, names, all the fun stuff. Thank you, 4chan.

She tore herself from my mind, looking at me with a mix of awe and terror. “I didn’t believe you,” she whispered hoarsely. “Millions… billions… Dead. That power. That raw, terrifying, and beautiful power. Unbelievable… and yet true. You did not lie when you said that you did not belong here, Nav. Your kind are monsters. And you are no different. I saw your mind. You have the capacity to kill an entire world without blinking an eye, as long as you can justify it.” She slowly smiled. “You are wasted on the ponies.” She dropped her smile. “But you won’t ever stay here with me. I won’t even ask. We do not have any scientists, not as you would call them. But I know who to give this information to. Now come. We have allowed the others to wait for long enough. We have dogs to deal with.”

“Never rip into my mind like that again. If I ever allow you to enter again, I will guide you.”

She smiled again. “You can’t stop me from doing what I want.”

I slipped my gauntlet off, reached into my breastplate, and pulled out a small bag tied around my neck. I let the ring fall out of the bag and slipped it on. “You wanna bet?”

Her smile turned vicious. Her horn glowed. Nothing happened. Her smile dropped and she narrowed her eyes. Her horn glowed even brighter, illuminating the hall completely. I noticed that a few changelings were standing around us now in both directions. Chrysalis was snarling, her horn glowing brighter and brighter.

“Stay behind me, Taya,” I whispered. She moved. I took a step closer to Chrysalis. She stood her ground. I took another step. Her eyes widened. I stopped right in front of her. I slowly reached out and grasped her horn with the hand not holding the ring. “I could break this off right now, and you would be powerless to stop me. Do not ever underestimate me, Chrysalis. I am a friend, and you will treat me as a friend, or you will find me an enemy. That would end poorly for you. Do we have an understanding?”

Her horn stopped glowing and I released it. “So you’ve found a new toy,” she commented, eying my ring. “Interesting. Very well, Navarone. I would hate to lose such a good… friend.”

I slid my gauntlet on over the hand with the ring. “Then I believe we have left your soldiers to wait long enough. Shall we?”

She turned and started down the hall, only to stop when she found some of her people watching us. “Why are you not working?” she demanded.

“Break time,” one of them rasped. “Your majesty is in the way of the break room. We wait until you are clear, as moving past would be disrespectful.”

I could hear her teeth grinding. It was bad enough that I embarrassed her, but doing so in front of her subjects was worse. “You did not see this,” she told them.

“We did not see… what, majesty?” the changeling asked.

She nodded. “Continue, subjects.” They bent their knees slightly, and turned to go back. I suppose that given this building’s layout, they could probably find a different path to wherever they were going. We followed behind them.

“I like changelings more than ponies,” I said when they turned off. “You guys are awesome. If something like that happened between me and Celestia, I probably would have been attacked by any civilian nearby that witnessed it.”

“If you had harmed me, you would not have left this building alive. They know you are a friend and that you would not hurt me. Changelings treat heroes differently than ponies do. We give them respect by giving them privacy and distance, honoring their requests if they make them and they are reasonable. If you were as much a hero to the ponies as you are to us, I believe you would be surrounded constantly as soon as you went to a city. You would not have a single moment of peace.”

“Then it’s a good thing my role as a hero there is small and relatively forgotten. I am known, but I’m not revered. Ponies just know that I fought for Celestia.”

“I fear that it is sadly too late for you to stay here. But if you ever find yourself out of favor in Equestria, you are welcome in the hives. And when I get the plans for this ‘electricity’ to those that need it, you will be nearly as famous as I.” She looked me up and down. “Though probably not for looks.”

“Well, not all of us can be as sexy as me. I’m sorry, Chrysalis, but maybe one day.” I gave her a conciliatory pat on the back. She just shook her head with a small smile.

“Oh, and in case you were wondering, your eggs are doing well.”

“Eggs? What?”

She smiled at me. “You did not know? As the queen of the changelings, I am super fertile. I could breed with any race on the planet.” I wonder if the terror I felt at that was strong enough for her to pick up from where she was. If not, the expression on my face probably did it.

“That’s… that’s not possible. The genetics wouldn’t allow for it. I have forty-six chromosomes. You probably have considerably more. It’s not possible!”

Oh, her smile was terrifying. “I am a changeling, Navarone. My body adapts to whatever I mate with. I don’t know how it does that, but it does. But you need not worry. You do not have to meet your children if you do not wish to. Most fathers never even know they have hatchlings from me, when I choose to look outside my race for mates.”

My mind was terrified by that news. It shouldn’t be possible! Biology can’t allow for that! But… in a world with magic, who knows what’s possible? I gulped slightly. “What will… what will they look like?”

“Oh, like any normal changeling. I suspect their eyes will be different, though. And they’ll definitely be higher class, in terms of intelligence. They will be my first children to enter this world while we have food enough to sustain them well. I expect great things from them. They may have a few of your traits, though. They will never know of you if you do not wish them to, and even if they do learn that you are their father, they will not recognize you as such until you decide you want them to.”

Well, I knew there would be some kind of repercussions from that week of debauchery. I was expecting more pissed off friends and an angry Luna than children, though. It was sobering. But… “In that case, why did you have to tell me about it at all?”

“To make you suffer, of course.”

“I see. And how do I know you aren’t lying about it, then?”

“I can let you see them, if you desire. The only other male I mated with in the time it would have taken to get them to where they are now was that fool Shining Armor, and I did not deem him worthy of making eggs with.”

“He had some pretty powerful magic, though. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“No. We have a few that are able to use magic, but not many. All of my children can, whether or not the father was able to. They might have been stronger in magic, if Shining Armor had been the father, but they will be strong enough anyway from me. Besides, we currently need thinkers more than we need anything else. Between the two of us, their minds will be made for plotting.”

That’s not really how genetics works, but… fucking magic. With my luck, they’ll be smart enough to track me down and live long enough to make the rest of my life hell. Of course, I could probably also kill them, but… could my conscience really take killing my own kids? That’s fucked up, even for me.

Then again… are they my kids if I didn’t raise them? They’re just kids that happen to have my genes.

“If anything interesting happens with them, keep me updated. I wish you had told me beforehand that you were going to do this, but… I suppose if I don’t have to raise or see them, it will not be a problem. Just don’t tell anyone else.”

“They will not hear it from my mouth, Navarone.” And I don’t think this entry will go with my journals, either.

“What’s wrong with children?” Taya quietly asked.

Oh God. There’s no way I’m coming out of this question well. I opened my mouth to respond, but Chrysalis opened a door with her magic and stepped inside. I followed her in, closing my mouth. Taya followed on my heels, of course.

The room we were in was not that large. There was a table that dominated the center, with a single light over it. A large changeling that I thought might have been Ditto was standing at one end of the table. There were two others next to him that I did not recognize.

Chrysalis stopped at the table and looked to the fellow I thought was Ditto. “We have three things to do. First, get together ten sentient soldiers and twenty sentients that can act as merchants. I don’t care if they’re soldiers or not. Second, find four sentients and a leader for a scouting mission into the dog caves. They have to know how to walk bipedal. Last, find all of our magic users with the strength to cast fire spells.”

The changeling turned to one of the others. “Go through the roster. Pick out four good scouts. You are in charge of leading the scouting mission.” The one he was talking to gave a single nod and looked down to the table, using magic to ruffle through some papers. The big changeling turned to the other one in the room. “Pick twenty-nine sentient soldiers. I will lead them.” The changeling he was talking to gave a nod and started looking through more papers. The big changeling turned to Chrysalis. “We have fifty sentients and three drones here capable enough to use fire spells. Of those, only forty can make fireballs. I can have them here in an hour.”

I don’t know what a sentient is, but Chrysalis talked about intelligence stuff earlier. I suppose drones are the lowest of the low, incapable of acting without orders or something. Sentients are probably those that can act individually.

“The mages can wait, Ditto. Nav wishes to interview the dogs. The scouting mission is the more important of the two. The merchants will be Navarone’s cover as he talks with them. We will need four wagons and some random goods we looted in raids. Nothing we looted from dogs. Gems would be best, if you can find them. The treasury will cover whatever you use.”

Ditto nodded once. “We will have everything prepared in three hours.” My eyebrows rose. That’s a hefty order right there, and an insane time. If he could pull that off, my opinion of the changelings would rise even higher.

“Then we will meet you on the surface. Come, Navarone.” We left the room and started off down the hall. We weren’t going the way we came.

“Can he really do that in three hours?” I asked her.

“Yes. We are efficient, as I said. I don’t know where he’ll get the wagons, but it will be done in three hours.”

“That’s amazing. In my world, it would probably take at least a day to do that much. Especially if you had to pull troops from their families.”

“You may be better at fighting and killing, but we are better at organizing. And you also have to remember that you have massive armies while we have small ones.”

Simply amazing. “Color me impressed, then. So where to now?”

“To drop the ideas and memories of electricity off. If possible, I would ask that you give the changelings I am leading you to a guided tour of everything you can possibly remember about it, as well as everything you think might be useful for it. History lessons, physics lessons—whatever physics is—anything you can think of that might be helpful. If you can guide us to where it is, we can fill in what you forgot from your subconscious. It’s there, but you just don’t know where. We can find it and use it, though we can’t show it to you.”

“I… see. I am not certain that this is a good idea, Chrysalis. I was not what you would consider normal in my world. I spent a lot of time learning how to make things that I shouldn’t know how to make. Alcohol. Explosives. Gunpowder. Low tech guns. Weak generators. I could revolutionize war in this world with what I know. I could make weapons that anyone could use that could destroy buildings. I could make bombs that a changeling could hide in a building that would kill anyone there. I could do so, so much with what is in my head. And I do not want to risk that knowledge getting out to people I may one day have to fight.”

“That’s simple. Don’t show us any of that. Show them what I want to know and we’ll do the rest.”

“I agree on one condition, then. I want Taya to be there with the fellow I’m giving the memories to. I will not risk whoever it is taking more than I am willing to give, and Taya is ridiculously strong in terms of magic.”

“That is not a problem to me, Nav. Though it will take a bit longer if we have to show her how to look into minds.”

“I know how,” Taya quietly said. That was news to me, but then I don’t know most of what she learns in terms of magic. She proudly demonstrates some of it to me, but she knows how I feel about magic so she doesn’t use anything on me. It’s kind of hard to show off mind reading magic without using it on the person you’re showing off to.

Chrysalis pushed another door open and stepped inside. The changelings inside all stopped what they were doing and turned to us. They all blinked in surprise when they saw Chrysalis and a few actually gaped when they saw me.

“What can we help you with, my queen?” one of them finally said, stepping forward slightly.

“I need your best mind reader to look into Sir Navarone’s memories. He will guide you to what you need. Whoever does it has to be able to meld flows.”

One of the other changelings stepped forward and bent his knees slightly. “I am yours, your highness.” He turned to me. “Come, Sir Navarone.” I stepped forward. Taya followed me. “Have you done this before?”

“Yes, but I’ve never had to show memories that are fragmented. I will do my best to keep it simple for you, and you will not understand most of what you see. I don’t suppose you have a chair?”

“We do not.” This is gonna be odd. I gave up most control in my body when Shining Armor was looking in, but then I also had to prepare some very hard defenses. “Who am I melding with?”

“Her,” I said, pointing to Taya. I pulled my gauntlet off while he was considering and removed my ring.

“A pony foal? We’ve done stranger. Come, let us meet in his mind.” With that, his horn glowed green. I zoned out, waiting for his presence to make itself known. It did not take long. “You have control. Good. I do not want to sift through every passing memory.” A moment later, another one joined him. “Let us begin.”

“You are going to learn about electricity,” I said in my mind. “Power without magic.” I gave several memories of electronic marvels quickly. And then I began the lessons. It took over an hour to dredge up everything I could possibly remember. A lot of it was out of order and most of it was fragmentary, but apparently that wasn’t an issue.

With Taya watching him, he never made a move at anything I didn’t want him to see. But he did get more than I wanted him to, through the simple sake that it’s impossible to stay focused on one thing for more than an hour. Especially after you get told you’re going to be a father.

When I gave him everything I could possibly think of, he pulled out of my mind and turned to Chrysalis. “It can be done. Give us five years and the resources we need and we should have a working generator and light bulb variants. Give us twenty years and we can have incredibly efficient factories. A hundred and we can probably have computers. Two hundred and we can leave Equestria so far behind in terms of technology that they’ll be begging us for table scraps.” It was kind of scary, hearing him say that in the same raspy voice most changelings seem to have.

“Begin on light bulbs and factories now. Time will tell about the others,” she answered. “Distribute the important memories. Discard the rest. Forget your focus on magic. Figure this out. Use magic to fill in the blanks only when you have no other choice, and do your best to remove magic from the equation when you can. Navarone’s people did this without magic, just technology. If they can do it, so can we.”

The changeling nodded. “It will be done.” He turned to the others. All their horns glowed as the rest of them stepped closer to the one guy. Taya and I walked over to Chrysalis.

“If you hold this tech over the ponies, I’ll probably be dispatched to fight you,” I told Chrysalis as we reentered the hall. “And if I have to fight with all the resources of Equestria at my back, I will not make it easy on you.” I wouldn’t, either. I knew how to make a gun, even if I didn’t have the resources. I couldn’t make the things I needed to make a gun. But Celestia could get me what I needed if I was able to show her the memories and let her dig through what I’ve forgotten. I could bring in all kinds of war machines. I just hoped it didn’t come to that.

“They have magic, Nav. They can do anything we’ll be able to do, just using magic instead of using technology. We’ll just have both.” We were finally walking back out the way we came.

We talked on small matters until we got outside. Ha. ‘Outside.’ We were still in a fucking cave. Chrysalis turned to me. “We have an hour before we have to be topside. Is Taya hungry?”

“Why ask me? Taya, are you hungry?” I knew better than to ask.

“Yes.” She’s always willing to eat.

“Then come. I will show you to our feeding hall.” Given what changelings eat, that sounded ominous. She started leading us away. I picked Taya up and followed. “I’ll admit, the taste of the love being produced by the love poison is… off. It is artificial, one could say. But it is better than what we are used to, and it is limitless. The only complaint I have is that we have such a small number of victims to feed off of. I do not suppose there is any way to take some of the dogs prisoner, should it come to that?”

“Not with what I’m going to do, no. They will all die.”

“I see. Will it at least be painful?”

“Oh God yes. Some will burn to death and some will suffocate while burning to death. It’ll be a painful, horrible, gruesome death.” She smiled darkly at that. And I thought humans were fucked up. “That’s why we’re breaking the prisoners out beforehand. Nothing in those tunnels will be living when I’m through, should I decide to attack.”

“Humans are good at war. It is… delicious. Peace would be profitable, but I hope you find them unworthy just so I can see how you kill them.”

“I don’t particularly want to kill them, personally.”

“You don’t have to,” Taya quietly said.

“Oh? And if I deem them as unworthy to stay neighbors, what would you suggest we do instead?” I asked her.

“Scare them away. Make them flee. You don’t have to kill them, daddy.”

“You’ve never fought dogs before. They don’t flee. Most of them are too stupid to run away unless ordered to, and most of those that give orders are too stubborn to run away without some manner of ‘fuck you’ plan.” I learned that from experience and from books. Mostly books, though. “It would take Celestia’s army and the changeling army both to scare them away from their home.” She didn’t respond.

The dining hall was only a few blocks away from the other building, whatever its title was. The last block was walked in silence.

We entered the dining hall. I looked around and one thing came to mind instantly: Oppressive. Holy God. Cells lined the hallway. There was a crank next to each one that looked like it operated a retractable wall. There were ponies in all of the cells and more ponies standing outside the cells, looking in. I assumed those standing outside were changelings. I heard wailing from some cells that didn’t have anyone in front of them, and saw some changelings walking to them and some walking away.

Chrysalis didn’t give any of them a look, just continued through. I carried Taya through, taking some comfort in her presence. This is terrible. I know I came up with this, but… this is just outright terrible. Chrysalis led us through two layers of cells, straight down the center. If I had to guess, I would say there were maybe fifty cells. Half contained ponies and half contained other things. Dogs, griffins, a single naga. I didn’t want to think about how the naga worked; it might be able to rip the cell open.

We ended up in an empty cafeteria. It looked like it could hold around a hundred people. She pointed to the kitchen. “You’ll find what you are looking for there, Taya. You will have to fix your own food, or loot the storage; it is not meal time, so nothing is prepared. Everything within is safe to eat for ponies.”

I carried her into the kitchen. I did not want to leave her alone in this place, I don’t care what kind of security there is. Chrysalis remained in the cafeteria. When we got to the kitchen, I set her down and we looked around.

Mushrooms. Lots and lots of mushrooms. “Taya, do you know how to cook mushrooms?”

“No. Do you?”

“Not a clue. But if they can be eaten when cooked, they can be eaten raw.” That makes sense, right? “They probably just won’t taste that good.” Though they might not taste good even if they were cooked. I can’t imagine changelings putting too much effort into cooking when they feed off emotions.

“Waiting won’t make them taste any better.” She used magic to bring one to her mouth and began eating. “Not… too bad.” She continued eating slowly.

“So what did you think of their prison?” I asked as she continued.

“It has to be done. I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is.”

“My thoughts exactly. I’m glad I’m immune to love poison. Oh, and the new code word is password.”

It didn’t take her long to finish. We left the kitchen and made our way to Chrysalis, who had been joined by Ditto. “The preparations are finished,” she told us. “It is time to return to the surface. Do you want Taya to come with us, or stay here?”

“We aren’t killing the dogs today. We’ll wait until tomorrow, if it comes to that. She can come with us, as long as she stays with the group. I’m going to need to talk to their leaders alone, as one warrior to another.”

“And why, Navarone, would you need to do that?” Chrysalis asked with a bit of a sharp tone.

“Because they don’t like ponies, for one. They won’t speak freely in front of them. And for two, there is a code of sorts among most warriors. It is unspoken and unofficial, but we treat each other with respect until the fighting starts.” Ditto nodded at that. “They’ll talk to a grizzled mercenary traveling with the ponies until he can find a better contract. They might even offer me a job, but I doubt it. Most dogs I’ve run into were arrogant, not one to rely on other races for help.” If they did offer me a job and I decided they needed to die, I would totally ask for an advance just to see if they would give it to me.

“I see. Well, are you ready to return to the surface?”

“Yeah. Is there a quicker way up?”

She smiled as her horn glowed. We teleported topside, appearing next to a few wagons. Changelings stood to attention when they saw us. “Change to your disguises,” Ditto ordered. All of the changelings turned into ponies. A few of them turned into ponies that were the same. It took them a minute to sort out and all have different disguises. “Haulers, hook up to the wagons.” A few of them went to the wagons. Some got hooked on and some helped do the hooking. “Move out.” With that, Ditto changed into his disguise—a large royal guard. Ten of the soldiers were also disguised as guards.

The wagons began to move, trundling off. The rest of the group moved with them. I turned to Chrysalis. “I suppose I will see you when I get back, then.”

“No, I am coming with you.” She turned into a random pony.

I was kind of surprised that she was coming, but we fell in with the group. “Taya, when I break off to talk to their leaders, stay with Chrysalis.” She didn’t answer. I reached down to my belt and grabbed my helmet, setting it on my head.

The terrain around the entrance to the changeling cave was rugged, but there was at least a road of sorts leading away. We were on it now. “So why have you guys never done something like this before?” I asked. “Surely this occurred to you. Disguise as peaceful traders until the dog leaders are outside, then kidnap them and drag them back to your caves.”

Chrysalis and Ditto shared a look. Chrysalis turned back to me. “No, Navarone. That never occurred to us.”

Ditto said, “If you had been us, what would you have done thus far against the dogs?”

“I would have killed them. Anybody that takes my children needs to be put down.” I put a hand on Taya’s head. “But since you didn’t know the easy way of clearing out caves, something like this is what I would have done. Have some of your kind disguise as ponies and some disguise as gnats hiding on the ponies. When you have a good number of dogs outside, start quietly taking them down one by one and replacing them with your changelings. When you have them all, send the disguised changelings in to bring more out. Repeat until you have most of them captured or killed or whatever. If they catch on, kill the prisoners and run like hell. That could net you a sizeable chunk of them in one blow.”

They shared another look.

I continued, “Of course, with magic on your side, there’s quite a bit more you could do to them. If you could find a large reservoir of water near here, you could easily flood their caves. If you wanted to take them over for yourself it wouldn’t be that hard, just use fire to evaporate all the water. Or since they’re dogs, you could probably use a very high pitched sound to incapacitate them and then clean up house while they’re all on the ground writhing. Since you are working with caves and tunnels, you could probably cover the entire system from one area and just let the echoes take care of the rest. Really, there’s a lot you could do.”

“Why did you never think of these, Ditto?” Chrysalis demanded, glaring at him.

“I have no excuse, your highness.” He turned to me. “If you wanted to kill the changelings, how would you do it?”

“In their caves, you mean?” He nodded. “It would be harder, given that you don’t actually live in the tunnels. If I knew every entrance and exit, I would plug the holes and fill the caverns with carbon dioxide. It is odorless and it sinks, meaning it would fall straight to the lowest parts of the cave. You would be dead within minutes. Cleaning the caves out would be hard, though. Or if I really wanted to ruin your day, I would fill the caves full of methane and strike a match.” I smiled. “I bet you could see the explosion from the fucking moon.”

“What is carbon dioxide and methane?”

I gave him a look that said ‘really?’ “You guys are miners. How do you not know about dangerous gases?” He just looked at me. “Okay, have you ever dug into a tunnel and had miners mysteriously die for no reason?” He nodded. “They died from methane poisoning. It is a gas that gets trapped underground until released. It is lighter than air, so it rises to the roof of the tunnels. In my world, miners would carry birds into caves with them. If the birds died, they would get the hell out of there because it meant the air is poisoned. Carbon dioxide is what you get when you exhale. Breathe in, you use oxygen. Breathe out, you get CO2—Er, carbon dioxide.”

“I see. And how do you get rid of it?”

I shrugged. “Methane? Shit, strike a match and it’ll burn. Just make sure the idiot striking the match is expendable; if you’re not lucky, there might be more there than you thought and the entire cave would explode. If you wanted to get it out of your caves, you could just unplug the entrance and leave it open for a few weeks. Carbon dioxide is different. If you had time, you could just lower some trees into the cave and after a few years they should take care of it for you. I guess you could also unplug the entrances and leave it for a long time. It might eventually dispel out.”

“If you were fighting us on an open field, how would you do it?”

“Oh lord. Um. If I had access to human weapons, I would mow you down with machine gun fire, as they did in World War I. If I didn’t and had access to unicorns…” I smiled. “Rolling thunder. If I was fighting on an open field with unicorns under my command, you would die very quickly, unless you could fight back with magic.”

“What is rolling thunder?”

“A campaign from my world in one of the nastiest wars my country fought. It was a gradual campaign of shit fuckery. We started small, blowing up some stuff. Then we got larger and larger until the enemy gave in. Or at least, that was the plan. The enemy didn’t actually give in.” I sighed, shaking my head. “We lost that war because of politics. But it was a stupid war anyway. A stupid war for a stupid time. In this case, I would order the unicorns to start small, killing a few waves of troops. As you kept coming, the resistance would get stronger and stronger until there was nothing left of you or you broke and ran.”

“And if the unicorns could not help you?”

“Then it would devolve into a very ugly melee. You would probably have air superiority, but I think ponies are heavier and probably stronger than changelings. I was able to pick Chrysalis up with no problems, while I can barely shift an earth pony. It would be an interesting fight.”

“How would you deal with infiltrators?”

“Check your blood. You guys have green blood, ponies have red. Go into a room, tell everyone to not move and that you would kill the first motherfucker that makes a move to a door. Then you take a knife and make shallow slices on each pony in the room. Those that bleed green die while those that bleed red get healed and sent out.”

“I am glad we are allies, Navarone,” Ditto said.

“So am I,” I answered. “So how far is it to their caves, anyway?”

“Not far now,” Chrysalis said. “The entrances are over that hill.” She nodded to a small hill we were walking to.

“What kind of sentries do they have?”

“Terrible ones,” Ditto answered. “They won’t know we’re coming until we get over the hill. But they’ll be hiding, so you probably can’t see them. Whatever else I can say about them, they know how to hide.”

We topped the hill. I got my first look at the dog territory. I’m glad I don’t have trypophobia. There were holes all over the place. I looked to Chrysalis. “And I thought your legs were bad! What the hell kind of organizational scheme do these idiots have?”

“They don’t,” she answered smugly. “Every hole leads into their tunnels. It’s a warren down there, and if we didn’t know the way, our scouts would never return. The dogs are miners, until they feel like being warriors.” Fucking dwarves, then. They shouldn’t be that hard to eliminate. I just hope I don’t have to.

We got down to a good place to stop and Chrysalis called for her people to do so. “Make camp, everypony. We’ll stop here for the night and continue on tomorrow. Maybe if we’re lucky, the dogs here will want some trade.”

The changelings wheeled the four wagons into a defensive perimeter and clustered the queen inside. The guards took up positions at each corner and on top of the wagons. A few of the changelings wandered out to peer in holes, trying to look like interested traders. They were doing a pretty good job of acting, in my opinion.

It took half an hour, but a few heads finally poked out of holes. They watched us for a few minutes before disappearing. Five minutes later, a group came out of one of the holes. They walked over to our wagon slowly. I noticed the dogs here were incredibly hunched over, making most of them shorter than I am. I figured that was because they were miners, but I could have been wrong.

There were three obvious warriors and one dog dressed in what looked like a vest or something. When they got close enough to our wagons to be heard, the one in a vest called out, “What do ponies want in our land?”

Chrysalis walked to the edge of the encampment. “We’re traders, dog. We’re just passing through for the night, but if any of your kind wishes to browse our wares, we will not turn down the business.”

The dog in the vest turned to one of the warriors and whispered something. The dog ran back to the tunnel he came from and dove down it. While wearing plate armor and wielding a spear.

Dogs, man… They aren’t that bright. The dog with the vest pointed to me. “What is that winged freak?”

I stepped forward. “I am Navarone, a human mercenary. I’m traveling with these ponies until I can find a better job. I don’t suppose you have any contracts you need fulfilled?”

His eyes widened. “We have heard of you, human! You won the tournament at that party!” He grinned, showing yellowed teeth. “You cheat, but you fight good. Come, we can talk about your career.”

“Only if we stay within sight of the encampment. I’ve heard of a few disappearances around this area. No offense, but I think I prefer being careful.”

“You have nothing to fear from us, human. But we can stay close.”

I started picking my way across the short field to him. I stepped across several holes, doing my best to avoid them. As I got closer, I noticed how large the two warriors were. They could probably crush a changeling just by punching it. They might be able to pull me in half. Well, they’re miners. They’re going to be strong.

“So, you are looking for a job?” the dog asked when I got close enough.

“Yeah.” Thankfully, they didn’t smell bad. I suppose dogs have stronger noses than I do, so keeping clean would be important to them. “I overstayed my welcome with the ponies. Celestia was not happy that I betrayed her people like that in the tournament.” I shrugged. “It was time to move on to greener pastures. You guys have anything for me to do?”

“Yes. Much work. We need pony slaves to pull carts. We need to kill a small nest of changelings. We need to plan better defenses for our home. This was supposed to be a small colony of dogs, but with all of the hostile creatures around us, that idea quickly fell through. We couldn’t just abandon this territory since it was so full of… gems…” At this point he salivated slightly before shaking his head. “We are miners. We want to bring our families here, but it is too unsafe for them. We have been doing our best to kill the changeling scum, but they do not take the hints.”

“Why kill them? Why not try to live in peace?”

He shook his head. “No peace with them. They must be destroyed or removed.”

“That’s senseless. Why is peace impossible?”

He growled slightly. “You have lived among ponies too long. Changelings and dogs do not mix. Peace can’t exist between us. We need slaves and we need their caves, so we will fight until they are dead.”

“And there is no way to convince you or them otherwise?”

He shrugged. “No. But that is good for you, eh? You help us kill them off, we pay you in gems. Lots of gems.”

I shook my head. “I do not fight wars. If you heard about my fight in the tournament, you should know that.”

He grinned. “I do know that. Which is why I want you to do something else for us. Kill their queen. A bug without a head is a dead bug.”

I pretended to think for a moment. “It would take a little while. Do you know where her home is?”

He nodded. “Somewhere near a pony village called Appaloosa. I do not know more than that. You bring us her head, we pay you much.”

I took a moment to pretend to consider. “Very well,” I finally said. “But I will need some supplies, and they might not be cheap. I would ask for a small advance, if possible.”

He nodded once. “I did not think you would come cheap.” He turned to one of the two dogs with us, leaned in close, and whispered something to it. That dog turned and dove down another tunnel. I noticed at this time that several unarmed dogs, smaller than the soldiers, were walking from one of the holes to the wagons. A lot of them had bulging bags.

I turned back to the dog. “When my job is complete, who do I come back to, to ask for payment?”

“I am Fido,” he told me. “You can ask for me, Spot, or Rover.” I almost burst into laughter. I managed to stop myself at a small smile that was partially hidden by the helmet I was still wearing for some reason.

I reached up and pulled it off. “I am Navarone,” I said as I moved it to the hook on my belt. The dog looked at my eyes for probably the first time and his own widened a bit. I nodded. “Yeah. A curse from Luna. A punishment for my actions. Such is life, for an unwanted creature in Equestria. Maybe with the money from killing the queen, I will be able to afford a cure of sorts.”

“Did you not get paid for the tournament?”

“Confiscated by Celestia for cheating. All fifteen hundred bits, gone. And I’ve been banned from competing again.”

He shook his head sadly. “The ponies are cruel. But then, we aren’t so clean ourselves. You can help us get revenge on them, after you take care of the changelings. There is a village of ponies nearby. In that village is a white unicorn with the most annoying voice you have ever heard.” Says the pot to the kettle. “Cut her tongue out and bring her here and we’ll pay you good.”

“I know that unicorn. I’ll think about it.”

“Good. We should not have let her escape, but by the time we realized how bad she was, her friends had already come to help her. Celestia might not notice one or two ponies missing, but six and a dragon would bring her ire down upon us.”

Before I could say anything, the soldier Fido had sent down came back up with a bag in his hands. He ran to us and handed it to Fido, who passed it to me. I couldn’t feel what was inside through the gauntlets, but I heard it clinking enough to know it was jewels. And it was a large bag, too.

“Isn’t this a little much for an advance?” I asked, hefting it.

“This is a tough job. But I know you can do it. You are well worth it, Navarone. You do this job and you’ll get twenty more of those bags to your name. If you bring us the white pony, you’ll get three.” That’s a fortune in my world. Here? Fuck if I know.

“I’ll have to finish my contract with the pony caravan, and then I’ll be off immediately to kill the queen. I should be in Appaloosa before the month ends.”

“I cannot wait. As soon as she is dead, come here. Even if you refuse to help us in an open fight, you can help us plan raids on the changelings. They will be off balance when the queen dies. We will need to keep them that way so they won’t be able to initiate any large counterattack.”

“I will do that, then. I assume I will be paid when the changelings here are dead?”

“Of course. There are a lot of bad things the ponies say about dogs. Most of them are true. But of all the bad things they say, we are loyal to those that help us, even if it is only for pay. You scratch our back, we scratch yours, yes?”

I smiled. “Yes.”

When we got back to the caves the next day, I told Chrysalis all about the conversation. “And I conclude with this: They need to die.” I heard Taya sigh.

“Yes, they do,” she answered. “I am surprised to see you taking our side on this, after all they offered you. Twenty large bags of gems for my head? I’m somewhat insulted, but that is enough to buy an army. We can have your magic users ready whenever you call for them, Navarone.”

“I want them just before dawn. The sentries will be tired and less likely to notice us. We can kill all the rest of the dogs in their sleep.”

She gave a vicious grin. “So are you finally going to tell us your plan?”

“Yeah. It’s simple. Shoot fireballs down every cave entrance repeatedly. The fire will consume the air in the tunnels and suck the rest of the oxygen out from the inside, creating a virtual vacuum inside. The dogs that don’t burn to death immediately will suffocate.”

She looked surprised. “That’s all?”

“Yeah. I told you, we know a lot about science. More than the ponies ever will, probably. Dogs need oxygen to survive. Fire needs oxygen to survive. Fire consumes oxygen faster than dogs do. If you use enough fire, the caves will be cleared of oxygen. Thus, those that don’t burn will suffocate. Everything within should die.”

She smiled. “Then it is a good thing we broke all of their prisoners out today.” The dogs had three ponies and a whopping one hundred forty seven changeling prisoners. I don’t know how they were keeping the changelings alive. The ponies were currently being held in the changeling caves, and would be taken back with me when I returned to Ponyville. I gave them the big bag of gems the dogs gave me, to split up amongst themselves. Not personally, of course; I sent the bag with some changelings that were delivering food to their chamber, along with a note.

“Yeah. Stupid fucking dogs…” I did feel a little bad about what I was going to do. They were nice to me. But at the same time, they were dicks to everyone else. Getting rid of them was for the best.

…Right?

“So… What do you changelings do in your spare time around here?” I asked after a little while of silence.

“Sex. Talk. Some of the hatchlings explore the caves. Changelings do not have much free time. And this is not free time, either. Right now, we are walking to a meeting.” Well, we were definitely walking somewhere. Fuck all if I knew where to, though.

“Is this a meeting for you or a meeting for me?”

“For both of us. But mostly you. We do not have much in the way of a military school or an auditorium, but we do have an announcement area. You are going to talk with the officers in my army about tactics.”

“Hold on, what? I don’t have any kind of speech prepared!”

“You don’t have to give them a speech, Nav. They will ask you questions and present scenarios. You will tell them how you would solve the scenarios given various armies and various technologies and magic. If you honestly do not know or cannot think of an answer, don’t worry. I know you weren’t a military man.”

Damn right I wasn’t. I was a computer nerd. I didn’t even like RTS games. I could make war plans and I could play small time fights by ear, but I don’t think I could actually lead troops in a fight. And I don’t think I could actually lead a war. I could discuss theoretical tactics, but I don’t think I could write out military plans. Planning supply lines, food distributions, civilian management, and all of that would go way over my head. I could just do what I could with common sense and hoped the rest worked out.

“So do you really expect Taya to sit through an entire presentation of that?”

Chrysalis looked at the filly huddled in my arms for a moment before looking at me. “Yes, I do. She would be safe in the hive, but I do not think you would allow her to be away from you for long.”

Damn right I wouldn’t. I didn’t answer her, though. “Can I at least get out of this armor? I’ve been in it for way too long.”

“I am not stopping you from being comfortable, Nav.”

“You haven’t exactly given me a room. I don’t really have anywhere to put it if I took it off.”

“Remove it and I will teleport it all to the room you and Taya will be given when she retires for the night.”

“It can wait until we get to the entryway of the auditorium.”

Her horn lit up and we appeared in the entryway of the auditorium. I set Taya down and began taking my armor off. It disappeared piece by piece, until I was left with the underclothes I was wearing. Which meant… “Dammit, I don’t have any shoes.”

“You’ll get over it,” Chrysalis said as she began walking down a side hall. I sighed and followed her, my bare feet prickling a bit on the cold floor. At least the floors in this cave were really smooth. Taya followed behind me, of course.

We didn’t go far before Chrysalis opened a door and stepped inside. We followed her into what was apparently a stage. There was a table and a bare stone chair on the stage. I looked into the audience and saw glowing blue eyes staring at me from hundreds of faces. Other than those eyes and a single light that barely did anything in the center of the room, it was completely dark.

Oh lord. Chrysalis walked up to the front of the stage. Her horn glowed for a moment before she said in a very magnified voice, “Navarone is here to answer any military questions you might have. Present him your scenarios and he will try to answer them.” With that, she turned to me. Her horn glowed for a moment. “Sit, Nav,” she said in her normal voice. “Your voice will be magnified, so you don’t have to scream to be heard.” Slaanesh disapproves.

I sat down in the chair and leaned back as far as my wings would let me. Taya hopped up a second later, which I wasn’t expecting her to do. In a less formal setting, sure. Here?

Well, fuck ‘em. I didn’t really want to do this anyway. Besides, changelings didn’t seem big on pony traditions anyway.

Chrysalis acted as the moderator of the massive forum. I was asked hundreds of questions and was given dozens of scenarios. I did okay on the questions and good on the scenarios, I think. A lot of the tactics I said went over their heads when they asked about what humans would do or when I started talking about a technology or gas or something they didn’t know about. They had no clue what a cannon was, for example, so my plan of using a cannon to take down a dragon made no sense to them. It would be hard to do anyway, but they are resistant to magic, so it would probably be the easiest way to do it.

Still, I like to think I did well enough. I had to call for water a few times because my throat was so dry even though I was talking quietly. Taya was, of course, hungry by the time we finished.

So the creepy as fuck dining hall was where we went next. As we were walking there, I said, “So you aren’t disappointed, are you?”

“I was surprised by some of your answers,” Chrysalis said. “But not disappointed, no. I understand that you have limitations. Using civilian changelings to disguise as prisoners so you can trade them away is ingenious, if underhanded. And napalm is just… fascinating. Oh, the things we could do with that…”

“And it’s a good thing you don’t have it, I think. I only ever plan on giving the recipe to that mess away in extreme emergencies.”

“Of course, of course.” We were at the prison. She pushed the door open and we entered. There were fewer ponies in cells this time. When we got to the mess hall, we learned why: Apparently it was feeding time. Taya and I got to the line as Chrysalis transformed into the same pony she had been during the trading thing. She walked to a table with three ponies that looked very ragged and very, very scared. They were picking at their food weakly, casting furtive glances around themselves.

When Taya got her tray, we joined them at the table. The three immediately focused in on me. “I’ve heard of you,” one of them whispered. “You’re the hooman. What are you doing in Tartarus?”

“This isn’t Tartarus, bro,” I said. “You’re in a changeling cave after getting rescued from a dog cave. Soon, you’ll be coming with me to Ponyville. From there, you’re on your own. With the gems you three got, you should be able to get home, wherever home is for you.”

“Oh, and have all of these ponies been rescued too?” the mare of their group demanded.

“Oh heavens no! They’re all criminals. Celestia gave them to the changelings as food, along with a shipment of love poison.” They all looked at me dumbfounded. “A lot has changed since you’ve been gone, apparently. I’m surprised you were being held that long.”

The first guy that spoke snorted. “I’ll believe we’re free when we get released.” He turned back to his mushroom stew, or whatever it was.

I just shrugged and zoned out, happy that I was no longer being grilled by military changelings anymore. Taya didn’t take long to eat, thankfully. We stood to go, but the fellow that had yet to speak up stopped us. He stared me in the eye with a hard expression. “Why now, human? Why did you rescue us now?”

“Because tomorrow we are going to kill all the dogs,” I answered in a dull voice. We continued out. I think I saw a grim smile on his face before I turned away. Taya dropped her tray off and we left the horrid place. “So where to now?” I asked.

“Your chambers, if you are ready to retire for the night.”

“Taya?” She answered with an adorable yawn. “Good enough for me. Lead the way, Chrysalis.” She started walking and I followed, Taya in my arms. I turned down to the filly. “You’ve been practicing at being cute again, haven’t you?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, keep it up. Cuteness has solved a few of our problems so far. It might be able to do more later.”

“Navarone, are you trying to weaponize cuteness?” Chrysalis asked, turning back to us.

“Taya, show her your skills.”

She did. Chrysalis was old and tough, though. She wouldn’t break from a barely trained filly. I let Taya stop after a few seconds of the assault.

Chrysalis nodded in approval. “With some more practice, you might be dangerous. I’ll remember that, Nav. Cuteness doesn’t really belong on the battlefield, but I can think of uses for it elsewhere.”

“Yeah, I used it to get out of punishment for some of the crazy shit I did during the week you and I met. She’s gotten better at it now, though.”

“I see. And does she ever use it against you?”

“She doesn’t have to. I’m not exactly a good father, Chrysalis. She doesn’t do anything wrong, so I never have to punish her. She never requests things I don’t think she should have, so I never have to tell her no. The only reason she would have to use cuteness on me is for practice.”

Taya reached around my neck with her front legs and mumbled something into my chest.

“I’m going to assume that was something kind,” I answered her mumbles. “So where are we staying, anyway?”

For some reason, Chrysalis grinned at that. “There is a room next to mine that has not been used for a while. You will stay there. Our two rooms are connected by a door, if you should need anything.”

“Cool. Why isn’t that room used?”

“It is the room of my consort, if I had one.”

“Oh.” Well, I was rather distinctly uncomfortable upon hearing that. It’s not like I’d really mind fucking Chrysalis again, assuming I could use a contraceptive, but with Taya right next door? Meh. I assume there was a reason she was giving me that room. A reason that didn’t involve sex.

Either way, she didn’t tell me what that reason was.

“So Chrysalis, why don’t all the changelings have magic? They all seem to have horns.” That was one thing I noticed. I don’t think I’ve really described the regular ones, so I might as well go ahead and do that: They were all about the size of ponies. Each one was pitch black, had glowing blue eyes with no pupils, had insect wings and a horn, and holes in their feet like Chrysalis. Their teeth were sharp and they looked pretty vicious. A few, like Doppel, Chrysalis, and Ditto, had pupils, but most didn’t.

She was silent for a while. “I think you already know the answer to that,” she said after some time. Her tone was very dark.

“If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked. But it is obviously a painful subject, so don’t worry about it.”

“I see. Ask your…” She stopped, mouth open. I don’t know what she was trying to say. After a moment, she sighed. “Ask Celestia. She may tell you.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence. The bedrooms were considerably more opulent than the rest of the city, though even that wasn’t saying much. The mattress was considerably harder than anything I was used to, so I was glad that we were still in the edge end of summer. I still had a few weeks of staying up all night.

I put Taya to bed and began to work on more plagiarism. I had sold off all of Shakespeare’s plays. If I hadn’t been rich before, I would have been shocked at the money coming in from them. Apparently no one in Equestria ever thought to write tragedies.

I got a few quiet and unpleasant reminders from Celestia about that very fact when she found out who the author was. It honestly wasn’t that hard to figure out who I was, since I’m the only one that would be writing a story about humans—other than maybe Lyra. It was too late to recall the things I had already written, but she made me promise to run everything new by her first. I was currently copying Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.

I still get pangs of guilt from copying their works, but I put a dedication to the authors in each book I write, as well as an explanation that I’m just bringing the books from my world to theirs, with a few slight modifications when I couldn’t remember things exactly.

My main thought as I wrote was that it would be so much easier with a computer.

Either way, I was really into it. Which is why I was rather shocked when my chair was violently swiveled around. Thankfully, the quill I was writing with was lifted so I didn’t leave a large streak of ink across the page.

“Chrysalis, why are you shaped like Luna?” I whispered.

“To see how you would react.” She turned back to her real form. “I’m a bit disappointed in you, Nav. Not even a flicker of love.”

“You don’t say. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was watching, though. She tends to do that quite a bit, unless I’m wearing my ring.”

“Oh, she doesn’t trust her beloved? What a shame…” Chrysalis reached out and ran a fucked up hoof down my chest. I didn’t react.

“I think it’s boredom more than anything. There’s not much to do when you rule when everyone is asleep. Given that, she watches me to see what I get up to in the night hours.”

“Oh? And what do you tend to do?”

“Write. Walk. Read, if I can find a book I haven’t read two or three times already. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

She pouted as best she could with fangs. “I’m lonely and my bed is cold.”

“Get a blanket and a teddy bear. In my experience, mares are really comfortable to sleep against, so try finding one of those. Or get one of your changelings to turn into one.”

“I had something else in mind.”

“If you already have a plan in mind, why did you need to come and see me?”

“You know how this is the chamber of my consort, yes?”

“Yeah. You told us that while you were leading us here.”

“And you know what role the consort usually takes?”

“Yeah. They fuck the ruler.”

“Indeed.” She took a step closer to me and leaned her head in a bit. “And I was just wondering if…” She was trying to sound seductive. “…you would tuck me in and read me a bedtime story.” She was whispering at that last bit, her eyes half-lidded.

“Sure.” I stood up and reached under her, picking her up with relative ease. I marveled to myself at how much lighter changelings are. Wonder what causes that. Maybe that’s why they put holes in their legs.

She giggled as I carried her through the door that connected the two rooms. Her room was quite like mine, but the bed was a hell of a lot softer. I reached down with one hand and pulled the blanket away from the bed and gently eased Chrysalis down on her back. She lay there, looking up at me with those awesome green eyes. I slowly pulled the covers up around her. She grinned when she felt their sweet warmth.

I reached down beside her bed and picked up a book that was resting there. “The Three Little Ponies,” I intoned aloud as I began to read. It was basically the three little pigs, but with ponies and changelings instead. The end had the changeling alerting his swarm and they attacked the brick house, whittling it down with a massive swarm of changelings. The three ponies ended up being feasted on until they died.

“The end,” I said at last, closing the book. She gave a sweet little sigh and closed her eyes. “Goodnight, sweet queen,” I whispered, standing up from a chair next to her bed. I quietly walked back to my room, gently shutting the door behind me. “Welp, that was officially the weirdest thing I have ever done.” I went back to writing.

Chrysalis entered again a few hours later. I don’t know what time it was, but I knew it was time for the assault. I began to put on my armor, staying as quiet as possible. I knew I couldn’t take Taya with me today, and I didn’t want her asking to be taken.

I know she woke up because I heard her breathing change, but she didn’t get up. I followed Chrysalis outside and put my boots on in the hall. My mood was slowly growing darker.

I am about to kill an entire colony of people that showed me kindness.

Chrysalis, perhaps sensing my mood—but more likely because she wasn’t a morning person—stayed silent as we stalked through the cave to meet the troops. It took us about a quarter of an hour to get to where they were all standing. Chrysalis led me to the front of the group and nodded at me to talk.

“Greetings, soldiers,” I said in a voice loud enough to carry to them all but quiet enough that it couldn’t be heard too much farther away. “Today, we are going to kill the Diamond Dogs. The plan is relatively simple. We fly above their cave entrances and shoot fireballs down them for as long as you can maintain them. Any questions?”

After a moment, one of the changelings actually raised a hoof. I nodded at him. “Is that it?”

“Yes. The fire will eat the air inside their caves. The dogs that don’t burn to death will suffocate. Any other questions?” There weren’t. I nodded to Chrysalis.

She nodded to Ditto. “Move out,” he ordered. We all took to the air, flying up the shaft that led out of the changeling caves.

I turned to Chrysalis as we flew. “I probably should have asked this before, but are there any tunnels that connect your caves to the Diamond Dog caves?”

“Yes, but they were fully sealed off last night and every other soldier in the hive is watching over them right now.”

We made good time to the dog caves. The changelings didn’t waste any time getting into position and Ditto didn’t waste any time signaling them. It took about ten minutes from the start of my short speech to get to the fire raining down.

I watched silently from my perch on the hill overlooking the caves. It felt wrong. Very, very wrong.

While the mages were shooting fireballs down, a few other soldiers that Ditto brought with us hunted the sentries. They were quickly found. Chrysalis teleported them to the caves personally, a smug expression on her face.

None of them recognized me, thankfully. I don’t think I could have looked them in the face if they had. Then again, I didn’t do much of that anyway. I just watched the fire streak down and hit the caves, bouncing down. Some of the rocks around the entrances were so hot that they were melting. Most of the sand and dirt had long since turned to glass.

And still the fire came. A long time ago I would have thought the display beautiful.

Now? Now… Now I just felt a hollowness inside, watching it. I knew what that fire was doing. There were no screams—there couldn’t be, with the air inside so hot that it would char their lungs if they opened their mouth or breathed in.

Occasionally I found myself watching the changelings as they worked. None smiled, none frowned. Just another day on the job for them. I found myself somewhat envious. After Chrysalis took care of the sentries, she joined in. She was the only one that had any expression at all, and that was a massive grin as she shot streams of green fire into several entrances at once.

There couldn’t be a single survivor inside the tunnels. The only dogs that lived were the sentries. I think I felt more sorry for the sentries than I did for those that died.

Four hours after it began, it ended. A few of the changelings had to drift off from the group to join me at my perch. They were all able to create fireballs, but not all of them were strong enough to sustain them for that long. I think there at the end, Chrysalis was just shooting fire therapeutically.

She landed gracefully in front of us. Even from where we were, we could feel the heat radiating off the field. She walked up to me, beaming. “Even if we didn’t kill them all, that was fun!”

I looked up at her with a dead expression. “Yeah. Can we go get Taya and the ponies and go home?”

She shook her head, her smile dropping a bit. “Not just yet. You can go home tomorrow after you help us make sure the caves are clear.”

“What?” I’d like to think my tone was dangerous there. A few of the changelings near us shifted.

She cast a quick look around her. She knew she could force me to stay, but that doing so would be a bad idea. “We can talk about it when we get back to the caves.” She looked up to her troops. “You have done well, troops. Let us return to the hive. You all have the rest of the day off to recover.”

There was no cheering and little whispering. We took off and went back to the changeling cave, as simple as that. Chrysalis and I began to walk back to her abode. “So why are you in such a hurry to leave, Nav?” she asked as we walked. “I thought you didn’t much care for the ponies.”

The last time I saw someone smile like that was when Kat was torturing that assassin. “Killing those dogs like that put a bad taste in my mouth. I want to get home so I can try to put it behind me.”

“You said it yourself, Nav: They needed to be put down. They tried to get you to kill me! They were a threat to me and to the ponies, and if you weren’t useful to them, they probably would have been a threat to you as well.”

I know she was right and I couldn’t help but hate her for it. “They were kind to me. Offered me jobs and a place to live. Hell, if I looked stronger, they probably would have offered me honest work. Knowing I might have to betray them, I was kind. That dog did not hate you and I don’t think he hated the ponies. It was just a matter-of-fact refusal to see sense. They did not want peace because they did not want peace. I can’t wrap my head around that, and it’s driving me mad. The only thing in my mind right now is… ‘if he had known, would he have taken peace?’” I shook my head, trying to work it out in my mind.

“It isn’t something you can dwell on, Nav. I have made hard decisions like this in the past. I’ve killed my own subjects… my own children because of lack of food. It was a quick death versus starvation. If you had not helped us, more would have died. I would have wasted untold numbers of changelings killing all of the dogs in the caves. It would have been hellish. Peace was impossible, so killing became the only way of resolution.”

And you enjoyed every minute of it. “This ain’t my first rodeo, Chrysalis. I want to say I’m inured to it by now, but this was worse than the last time I did this. I felt bad the last time, but that was mostly because it was my knife that cut throats. It was my flaming bolt that killed all the women and children. I heard the screams as they burned alive. It was bad. But I didn’t have any chance to talk to any of them until afterwards, and he eventually thanked me for it. But here…” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’ll get over it. It’ll take me a while, but I’ll get over it. And I refuse to go anywhere near their tunnels until they’re cleaned, so don’t even bother asking.”

“Will you at least consent to staying here until we search their tunnels? You don’t have to go near the tunnels yourself, but I want you nearby in case we run into any resistance.”

I sighed. “Fine.” I’m doing this because I have to. Just gotta remember that. “It should be cooled off enough to begin exploring tonight. I suggest opening the entrances you have in your caves and going in that way. If you have any way of cancelling out smell, give it to your troops. I don’t think it will be pleasant in there.”

“I will deal with them.”

“So tell me more about changeling society, I guess. I know that you are fertile, but what about the others? Do changelings have families?”

“Yes, they do. There are three real layers of changeling society: Drones, sentients, and the intelligentsia. I am not proud of it, but we did what we had to do in order to survive. Drones do not do much in the way of thinking. They do the common labor. Mining, mindless swarm fighting, construction, things like that. The sentients are the common class. They do most of the labor that requires thought, and make up the bulk of the army. Troops are most useful if they have initiative, after all. The intelligentsia are the planners of changeling society. The ‘scientists’ that you gave the information to yesterday were some of them. Ditto is one. I am one. You can tell who we are by our pupils. I honestly don’t know why the smartest of us have them while the others don’t, but that’s the way it is. Any of them can have families if they want, but most drones don’t. Interbreeding between groups is allowed and now that food supplies are stable, it will be encouraged. There is no longer a reason for a divided society.”

“I wish humans could see the same thing. There’s a place in my world called India. For a long time, you were born into a very rigid division and that is where you stayed no matter what. If you were the lowest, you stayed the lowest. If you were the highest, you stayed the highest. It didn’t matter if you were the smartest son of a bitch alive, if you were born in the low class, you stayed there. When I left, it was a little better in some places, but not by much and not everywhere.”

“Well, it is somewhat the same here. The only difference is that all of the drones actually are born stupid. Any that show signs of intelligence are quickly brought away from the drones and given to the sentients. I don’t like taking hatchlings away from parents, but I dislike wasted potential even more. I expect it will take a few generations to have changeling society back to the way it should be.”

“Will you ever move out of these caves and back to the open?”

She looked around. Saw the darkness, the oppressiveness. Saw the dull looks on the faces of her subjects. I don’t know what all she saw. Maybe she was looking at it with a rose tint. “I do not think so, Navarone,” she finally said. “With electricity coming up, I think things will get happier down here.”

“There was a cave of naga I ran into a while back. They had their caverns lit up with massive amounts of torches on the roof, put into the shape of constellations in the sky. It was hard for them to keep the torches lit, but when they could it was beautiful.”

She shook her head. “What about… what was it? Carbon dioxide, you said? Wouldn’t that be a problem?”

“I thought so too, actually. They didn’t have any problems with it. Though they also spend most of their time under the water. It might have had something to do with the shaft they had leading to the surface, though.”

“Either way, that is not something I consider worth the time. We have to get our wood from Equestrian forests. For the most part, we steal it with no worries of getting caught. But now that we are allies, it will be harder to do.”

“Couldn’t you start a new colony up north in Canada and loot the shit out of their trees?”

“I don’t know what Canada is, but north is griffin territory. We do not like griffins. We do not like them at all.”

“Then you shouldn’t feel any compunctions about stealing from them!”

She shook her head. “No, Nav. We don’t like them and they really don’t like us. If they saw any of my changelings, they would not stop until the swarm was dead. And the griffins are fully capable of taking down a small colony.”

“Eh, whatever. What about far west, in a place like Montana or something? I don’t think Celestia has anything up there.”

“I don’t know what Montana is. We don’t know too much about the areas in the far west. We know about Appaloosa, but our knowledge doesn’t go farther west than the buffalo territories out there.”

“That’s disconcerting. It’s like no race on this planet has any kind of wanderlust at all. When I get tired of the damn ponies, I’m going to slip on my ring and explore the world for a few years. Link up trade routes, build roads, become an adventurer, loot treasure, all that fun stuff.”

She smirked at that. “Why would you need to loot treasure? You already own the majority shares in a soon-to-be lucrative changeling mine.”

“Um. What?”

“Oh come now, Nav! You saved my life and the lives of all of my subjects by proxy. And now you come here to this little hive and not only help us destroy the Diamond Dogs, but give us the means to escape the darkness. You will be rewarded! And Celestia has already agreed to it, so don’t even bother saying she wouldn’t allow it.”

“Would it help if I said please?”

“No. No it would not. You are going to be a very rich stallion soon, Nav.”

“I already am a very rich man. I have a large amount of money made from helping the princesses, I have even more from winning the tournament at Maris, and when I sold some of the books I wrote I got even more fucking bits. I could open a damn bank I have so much green. Er, gold. Whatever.”

“Well, a little more never hurt anypony. Although this won’t exactly be ‘a little.’ We saw some of the carts the dogs wheeled out of those mines. That place is so full of gems it isn’t even funny.”

“And you don’t think their homeland will fight to take it back?”

“What the ponies don’t realize is that the Diamond Dog mining corporation is a criminal front,” she answered. “We followed their wagons, saw where they were being unloaded. The other dogs won’t bother even investigating their loss, though the criminals they worked for might be somewhat more upset about it. But to risk an open war within Equestria’s borders is suicide. They will gnash their teeth and wring their paws, but we own their mine, now.” She giggled. “Well, mostly you. I’m sure you’ll find something to do with all of those gems.”

My left eye twitched a bit. Well, Rarity is going to have a gem-gasm when I tell her. “I’ll figure something out. A friend of mine knows a spell that allows her to detect gems. Do any of your people know that spell?”

“No. No we don’t. You will have her teach me this spell so I can teach it to some of my miners.” She grinned wider. “Output will explode with this spell.”

It took me a long time to figure this out, but I think Equestria is a video game. I started penniless and alone, with only my good lucks and natural charm. I grinded charisma for a while and used that to ingratiate myself with the princesses and all of the ponies. Then I started grinding crossbow accuracy and cross-classed a bit with knives. I started off at shit tasks with low pay and worked my way up to hard tasks with ever-increasing pay, and pushed my way through society’s ranks, starting from the outsider and ending up the right hand man of the ruler of the strongest country in the world and a personal friend of the queen of the changelings and an ally of several other people.

I wish I could turn the game off for a while. There was a long period of time back when I was young when I wished anything interesting would happen. I got over that when I started reading a lot, when I realized what ‘interesting’ meant. Then I just wished to live in a world of peace. Well, I got my second wish. And then I learned what a world of peace takes to maintain, and I got my first wish.

Life sucks, and then you die. Unless you lose the ability to die because princesses keep healing you when you get close to death and you can’t die of old age anymore. So I guess life just sucks.

We made good time to our chambers, at least. Taya was up and about, reading through the stuff I had written. I was using her as my basic proof-reader. Twilight fine-tuned everything.

She looked up as we entered. “Password?” I asked.

“Password,” she answered. “How did it go?”

“The way it had to,” I answered with a sigh. I started dropping the armor. Chrysalis looked on in amusement. When I had everything off, I turned to her. “Well, what now?”

“First, feed me. The spells I cast earlier sucked a lot of my strength out.” We stepped close to each other. Her horn lit up and she took what she needed with a smile. “Now, I believe Taya needs to eat.” Taya looked up at that. “Yes, she does. Shall we?”

We most definitely did. Chrysalis led the way back to the mess hall. “So why are you leading us everywhere personally?” I asked her as we sat down at an empty table. We got there at a meal time, so there was plenty to eat. “Don’t you have, like, queenly shit to do?”

She waved a hoof. “I have advisors that can take my place for a few days. They managed while I was imprisoned within Canterlot, and while I was pretending to be Mi Amore Cadenza. Besides, the most important event in my kingdom is happening right here.”

I looked around. “Ponies eating?” I asked after a moment.

She slapped me across the face with magic. At least it wasn’t very hard, like Rarity. Taya glared at her for a moment before turning back to her mushroom marsala.

I looked at her mushroom thing. “There better not be wine in that,” I said to Chrysalis.

“What is wine?”

“Another alcohol. So there really isn’t anything more important happening than killing the Diamond Dogs?”

“Not just that, Nav. You. You are one of the only non-changelings we have peacefully hosted in our caves in a very long time. The only one here that has or is allowed to feed off you is me, unless you give express permission. So you are a peaceful guest here for a purpose other than food. And you are here on behalf of an ally nation of ponies. So you are a high ranking official from another peaceful nation here to help us in our time of need. I would be insulting Equestria if I did not show you around myself.”

“Well, you’re more fun than most of the changelings. None of the officers in that crowd last night laughed at any of my jokes.” Chrysalis smiled at a few, but she didn’t laugh. “And you seem to have a personality, while none of the others do that I’ve seen. Doppel was all over the place with her moods and personalities. Crazy bitch punched me in the face one day. I came out on top, but still!”

“As I recall, you also punched me in the face.”

“Yeah, but you deserved it! I just knocked on your door. She opened it, grabbed me, threw me inside, and jumped on me, demanded an answer to a question, and punched me in the face when I gave a smartass response.”

“It sounds to me like you deserved it,” Chrysalis answered with a grin.

“Yeah, well, she got hers. Speaking of maids, though, I noticed you don’t seem to have one this time. What happened?”

“I do not usually have a maid. Doppel flew with the army without me knowing. She is one of the serving staff assigned to my palace at the main hive. She is… protective of me, I suppose. I was surprised and somewhat pleased to find that she was there to help me through that hard time.”

“I’m glad you had a friend as well. I’m surprised Celestia allowed it, but it is a good thing she did.”

“I did have a friend, Nav. And… thank you.”

“I don’t usually accept thanks for things like this, but you are welcome. I knew you were in a dark place and I knew I could help. I’m glad I took the time to. You know I’ll come if you call, unless my services are required elsewhere.”

“If I call? Are your ears so good as to hear me from Appaloosa?”

I grinned. “Ask your scientists about telephones. I showed him those as well. They could probably make them, eventually. Since all your hives are apparently connected, you could run telephone wires to every hive you have with no issue.”

“I could ask them… or you could tell me. What is a telephone?”

“A way to instantly communicate. On my world, one person could be standing on one side of the world and another person could be standing on the other side and they could talk nearly instantly to each other through a telephone. Every word one person says will be transmitted to the other person and vice versa, and it’s nearly instant, just a few milliseconds off.”

“Amazing. It’s like dragon fire, but with words rather than letters!”

“And anyone can do it. We also have a way to instantly send letters, though they aren’t actual paper letters. It’s some really fascinating stuff. I’ve always wanted to bring some of this tech to Equestria, but Twilight always giggles as she’s writing the letters to the princess about it. I don’t know if she thinks I’m lying or what, but I don’t think she would be much help.”

“You’ve never showed her any of the memories of your past life?”

“Hell no. You remember what you saw. I would be banished from Equestria if I let any of those memories get out. Not even Celestia has seen them. And no one knows my real name yet.”

“I see. Then I shall not discuss my findings with her, as I had planned. I suppose this technology is ours for the keeping, then.”

“When you start making tech, I want some of it. Whenever I move out of Twilight’s house, I want a house that isn’t dependent on magic to run. I miss electricity.”

“I can understand that, given the dependence your world has on it. You will have all that you need from us, of course. After all, none of it would exist if you didn’t tell us how to do it.”

“Awesome.” Taya had finished her food. “So now what?”

“Well, I don’t have anything specific planned, but… Well, no, I don’t think you would be interested in that.”

I shrugged. “So we got a bit of free time?”

She looked disappointed that I didn’t inquire as to what it is I wouldn’t be interested in. “Yes, I have nothing planned. If you are interested, we could talk to more of the intelligentsia. I’m sure you humans have all sorts of strange ideas we could use to increase productivity here in the hive.”

“So another large Q and A session? Neat.”

“Q and A… Question and answer?” I nodded. “Yes. I understand that you do not know what we have in terms of technology, so we will ask you general questions. You will answer as best you can.”

“Easy enough. How long should it take to get together a crowd?”

“Less than an hour. The discussion you had with the military changelings made its rounds, and the civilians want their own shot at you.”

“Chrysalis, no offense, but how do you know all of this? I mean, the changelings seem completely expressionless while around me. I haven’t seen any of them make any reaction to me like I’m a big hero or anything. They seem completely neutral around me.”

“They don’t know what to make of you, that’s why. They don’t want to offend you. The one that asked you a question earlier today, before the assault, was terrified.” I sure couldn’t tell. I was starting to think Chrysalis was either insane or trying to show off something that wasn’t there. She keeps saying things about how much of a hero I am but how they show it differently, but I haven’t seen any emotions here at all. It’s getting to be a bit creepy.

But given that I was trapped here for a bit longer, I was going to stay silent on the matter and just smile and nod. She led us to the auditorium and left us there for almost exactly one hour. Taya was showing off magic when changelings began to shuffle in and take seats. Chrysalis joined us on the stage a few minutes later. She acted as moderator again and I was given questions about everything under the sun. Including the sun, actually. Quite a few asked me if I knew how Celestia was controlling the sun.

I did okay, I suppose. I only know so much. I like to think I’m smart and that I have some decent common sense, but some of their questions were really fucking out there. And I mean ‘fucking’ out there literally. Some asked about sex. I covered Taya’s ears and answered them after giving Chrysalis a glare for letting the questions through.

I don’t even know how long we were there. I just know it took a long time and a lot of thinking. I needed a chalkboard to answer some of their questions, to draw diagrams or something. We took a break to eat and then went right back to it.

Before long, it was time to put Taya back to bed. Chrysalis had me read her another bedtime story, which just seemed creepy as fuck and extremely out of character. But given that she let me pet her earlier, it doesn’t seem that odd. Either way, I did that and went back to writing for a long time.

When morning came—what we assumed was morning, given that we couldn’t see the sun—Chrysalis came into my room and announced, “All of the Diamond Dogs are dead. Not a single one survived.”

“Woopty doo.” I didn’t sound very excited.

She rolled her eyes. “You two can go home after you eat and gather the ponies you are taking with you.”

I began gathering my armor and slipping it on. When I had everything, we all took off to the dining area. “So how are we going to get the ponies out of the cave?” I asked as we walked.

“The same way we got them in. Surround them with changelings and fly.”

“You can’t just teleport them?”

“Well, I could. But I do not make it a point to teleport just anypony.”

“Whatever. So when should I start getting shipments of gems?”

“The first is going with you on your way back. I will unfortunately be unable to return with you, but I will send a few drones with you as carriers and a sentient to learn the spell from your friend.”

“Alright. Now, what kinda gem level are we talking about here? Like, a few hundred this trip?”

For some reason, she smiled at that and refused to answer.

Chapter Forty-Five—Rewards and more spells

Chapter Forty-Five—Rewards and more spells

I found out why when we got to the surface. I almost dropped Taya back down the shaft in surprise when I saw a wagon stuffed full of gems. “How the fuck?”

The sentient in charge of the drones that were pulling the wagon answered, “The dogs had a shipment of gems ready to be sent home when we killed them. This is a few of the ones they were going to send.”

Wow. Just… wow.

As soon as the three prisoner ponies were set down, we started off down the road to Ponyville. At a walking pace, it took us an hour. The three ponies seemed to grow more and more relaxed as we got closer and closer. When we actually got within view of the town, they all seemed to just… mellow out. It was odd. I also didn’t care, because it was no longer my problem. We got to the town and I sent them straight to town hall and off they went.

“Taya, go get Spike. Bring him and something I can write a letter with to Rarity’s shop.” She nodded and trotted off. I led the changelings down to Rarity’s shop. “So what’s your name, anyway?” I asked the important changeling.

“Xerox.”

“I’m starting to see a trend here,” I commented as the wagon pulled up next to her house. “Come on.” He followed me up to the door which I opened without knocking. You’d think I would have learned my lesson, but meh.

Thankfully, nothing strange was going on this time, and Rarity was actually in the shop. “Just a minute,” she called to us from another room. When she came in, she stopped dead, staring at the changeling. “Uh…”

“Hello, Rarity,” I said. “This is Xerox. Can you teach him a spell?”

Her gaze jerked to me. “Oh. Navarone.” She glanced back to the changeling. “I… could try. What spell?”

“The one that allows them to find gems.”

“Oh, yes! That one is simple.” She turned to the changeling. “Just… can you come closer? And do you have a gem to practice on?” I tossed her an emerald that I grabbed from the cart before we stepped in. She caught it with magic and set it down on a table as the changeling stepped further in. She seemed to grow a bit timid at his presence.

They did something with their horns. After a moment, the stone lit up blue, showing that Rarity was sensing it. It stopped that and a moment later it lit up green. The changeling nodded once and backed up to my side again. Rarity watched him the whole time.

“Alright, Rarity, I have a bit of interesting news for you. You first have to promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Navarone, the last time you had me promise that you put Celestia’s crown on my head! What could possibly top that?”

“Promise me, first.”

She sighed. “I promise I won’t freak out.”

“I now have majority ownership in a very strong gem mine and I have a wagon full of gems outside that are now yours.”

She was silent for nearly a minute, that was spent just awkwardly staring at me. Then she slowly walked to her door, not moving her eyes from the door at all. She brushed past the changeling without even noticing that she touched him. She opened the door and stuck her head out. In front of her was Spike, Taya, four changelings, a wagon full of gems, and several ponies that were standing around wondering what the hell was going on.

The door slowly swung shut. Rarity turned to me with a scary look in her eyes. I quickly reached down and snatched Xerox up, holding him between me and Rarity. “I have a changeling and I’m not afraid to use it!”

That seemed to break her. She just let out a small giggle. “Now I know I’m dreaming.” She giggled again, walked up to me, stood on her hind legs, wrapped her forelegs around the changeling, closed her eyes, and gave it a huge kiss on the mouth. “Ah, that should wake me up…” She opened her eyes and came face to face with a very confused changeling.

I think Celestia might have been able to hear that scream all the way in Canterlot.

When Rarity stopped freaking out, she apologized profusely to the changeling. I honestly don’t think he minded much, personally. They were both blushing quite a bit through the whole ordeal, and I was rather glad Spike hadn’t been there to see it.

Apologies done, she stepped outside to give the wagon a real look. The changelings had unhooked themselves and were standing in front of it, trying and failing to look official. Rarity gave them a cursory look before opening the back of the wagon. Gems tumbled to the ground and all the ponies nearby gasped. Rarity’s eyes were doing their best to bulge out of her head, and Spike was doing his best to not pounce on the gems.

“Spike, take a few. I think Rarity has more than enough.” He looked at me for a moment before turning to Rarity for a longer moment before fixing his gaze on the wagon. He slowly walked over to it and grabbed a sapphire. With a shrug, he took a bite that I couldn’t help but flinch at. That’s just not natural.

He chewed it with every sign of enjoyment, though. Rarity was standing on her hind legs again, peering over the side of the wagon. She jumped down and turned to me with a twinkle in her eyes.

For a moment, I thought I was going to need an adult.

Thankfully, that moment passed without any adults needing to be present. “Thank you for this, Navarone,” she said, her voice quivering slightly.

“No problem. I don’t suppose we can get them unloaded and inside or something so the changelings can take their wagon and get back?”

She looked at them now. Xerox had joined the others and was casting the occasional blush-filled glance at Rarity. “I don’t suppose you fine stallions would help a poor little mare like me unload a wagon, would you?”

Xerox actually flinched like he was going to help, but they all turned their gaze to me. I said to Rarity, “If you consider yourself poor after getting a wagon full of jewels delivered to you, I’d hate to see what would make you rich. You have magic. Unload it yourself.”

She rolled her eyes. Her horn glowed and the wagon tipped backwards, dumping all the jewels on the ground, making a pile as high as one of those that I had seen on the dragon’s mountain. The ponies standing around gaped. Even I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows.

I turned to the changelings. “Wagon’s yours, boys. When can we expect the next shipment?”

Xerox said, “I don’t know. I would say at most a month.”

Rarity looked at me with an expression I couldn’t match. “Next. Shipment?” she whispered.

“Yeah,” I answered. “I told you, I have majority share in the mine now. I’m apparently going to be getting shipments of gems. I know I sure don’t need any fucking gems.”

Taya had to go get Twilight to pry Rarity off me, and it took both Twilight and Taya to do it. Spike was switching between staring at the pile of gems in wonder and glaring at me in jealousy. The changelings were looking around the town, probably wondering if they could get away with sneaking a snack. Most of the ponies had wandered off by the time Twilight got there to help me.

When I finally got up, I dragged Spike inside Rarity’s shop, along with the letter writing materials. I gave Spike a quick apology and then wrote out what happened to Celestia. Well, most of what happened. I didn’t include the bedtime stories.

I couldn’t help but smile when I looked at the header: “Forgive me Princess, for I have sinned.” Then I stopped smiling and I handed the letter to Spike. Mass murder is only funny when it wasn’t you that did the murdering. One day I might be able to make jokes about it, but right now, it just wasn’t sitting right with me.

And off the letter went. “I’m sorry for being a bit of a massive cockblock, Spike,” I said. “I honestly didn’t know what else to do with these gems. I would have given them to you to give to her, but I don’t think she’d buy that.”

“S’cool, I guess. So you’re pretty much the richest guy in Equestria right now, huh?”

“I hope not. Do ponies have charities? I need a way to get rid of all these bits before it comes back to haunt me.”

“Nav, how is all this money going to haunt you?”

“Because the storage room is full of bags of bits right now. I have nowhere else to put this stuff! It keeps rolling in from all the books I’m selling and I’m not spending any of it! It’s just sitting there in that room, mocking me. I have nothing I want and nothing I need. I can’t just give all the money to you for your dragon den because then you’ll freak out and grow huge and evil or something.” He scoffed. I continued, “So I need something to do with it.”

“I think you should—” Spike started before being interrupted by me disappearing.

I reappeared in a very furry white place that slowly resolved into what I would call “squished against Celestia’s chest.” I was held in place by wings, since her trying to hug me with her forelegs would be bad news for me.

“Um. Hi Celestia,” I mumbled into her fur. “Why are you hugging me?”

“Because I know how much you hurt right now.”

“Celestia, you know I’m neither a child nor a pony. Please let me go.” Seriously, what is up with royalty these days? First Chrysalis and now Celestia?

She sighed and did so. “I didn’t think that would work. Sit, tell me more about what happened.”

I sat and proceeded to do just that. I told her the longer version of everything but left out the bedtime story again. She looked close to tears when I told her what had to happen with the dogs.

“I’m so sorry, Nav,” she said when I finished. “I sent you there because I expected peace to be possible. If I had known, I never would have…” She sighed. “It’s done, now. And apparently you have even more riches.”

“Yeah. She said I had to take the damn mine, or whatever. Said you allowed it.” I shrugged. “I gave all the gems to Rarity and Spike. They have uses for them. As soon as I find someone dumb enough to take it, I’ll give most of the bits away as well. Do you know of any charities in Equestria?”

“We don’t have any. All the ponies that go through trauma get by through community efforts, not by private charities. The gems you gave the three that were held by the Diamond Dogs and the bits you arranged the pirate slaves to get helped tremendously. I still get updates from the pirate slaves… Some of them aren’t doing too well, Nav. Though they did start a business together.”

“Sucks for them. What about those three orphans I sent up this way?”

She nodded. “Doing fine. I think they would have been better off in Ponyville, but they’re doing just fine here.”

“Good. Is there anything else you need?”

“What do you think of Chrysalis?”

“A quick opinion or a general overview?”

“Anything you feel like sharing.”

“I think she has some mental problems. I fear she’s partially delusional. I know she has some wild mood swings. She asks me to do some really strange things that don’t fit at all with the rest of her character. She was shooting flames into the Diamond Dog caves with a psychotic grin on her face and then she asked me to tuck her into bed and read her a bedtime story. When she was locked here in Canterlot, she turned into a filly sized version of herself, sat on my lap, and told me to pet her. The entire time we were in the caves, she insisted all the changelings considered me a hero and were wildly expressive of it whenever I wasn’t around, but I never saw a lick of that. I spent hours talking to the changelings in some Q and A sessions. None of them ever showed any emotions or anything like that. When I asked her why all of the changelings had horns but so few could use magic, I think she almost flew off the handle. There’s something wrong with her. Denial, maybe. I don’t know.”

She nodded. “I see. Do you trust her?”

“Do I trust her? As an ally of Equestria… I don’t think she’ll betray you anytime soon, as long as you continue serving her interests. Do I trust her myself? Well. Honestly, I think I do. I think she likes me and is afraid enough of earning the ire of Equestria that she isn’t going to try hurting me.” I thought about something. “Can I trust you with something very interesting, without you telling Luna?”

“Of course, Nav.”

“Apparently Chrysalis is so fertile she can mate with other species.”

“I… what?”

“That’s what I said. She said I knocked her up and she had my eggs. Freaked me the fuck out.”

“I did not know that. Do you think she’s lying?”

“I hope so, but I don’t really know. She said they would be raised and that I would never have to see them if I don’t want to. They’ll apparently look like changelings. I can’t imagine what other features they might have.”

“I will look into this for you. No experiments have ever been done on this, as far as I know. I don’t suppose… Will you let me watch those days, through your mind?”

“Why didn’t you just do that first? Would have saved us both some time…”

“Because I will only see and hear your reactions from watching it. I won’t know what you are thinking about. Either way, I’m going to take that answer as a yes.” Her horn lit up. I gave her the grand tour. “This isn’t right,” she muttered when we were halfway through. Her horn lit up brighter and I felt a sharp pain in my temple. “There it is,” she whispered. She didn’t say anything else about whatever it was, just kept going. When we finished, she said, “I didn’t see any of the memories you were giving Taya and that changeling. And I didn’t see any of what Chrysalis took. I need to know, Navarone, in case they are threats to my ponies.”

“Celestia, I can promise you that nothing I gave Taya or that one changeling will be able to directly harm a large number of your people. They might indirectly suffer from being left so far behind in terms of tech that it isn’t fair, but they should be able to compensate with magic. As for what Chrysalis took, I just gave her all of the most horrible memories I have of my time on Earth. Most of them were from our history. There was nothing she could use to harm you.”

“When it comes to the safety of my ponies, I take nothing to chance. Show me.”

Well, that’s how much you trust me. I showed her everything I could dredge up about the technology. I didn’t give her anything of the evils I showed Chrysalis.

“Navarone, that’s not everything.”

“Please, Celestia. Don’t make me do this. I don’t want to see that look in your eyes. I don’t want you to see what we’ve done. You know it’s horrible. You know it’s terrible. I don’t want you to see it. For your sake, please don’t do this.”

She looked me in the eyes and I could see the sorrow in her, as I’m sure she could see it in me. After a long while, she nodded. “Very well, Navarone. I trust you on this.” I sagged in relief. I couldn’t bear to see an accusation in her eyes whenever she looked at me, and I know she would think ill of me even if it was for the actions of my species rather than me. She would know that it wasn’t me, but she would still think ill of me for it. You can’t help that. “However, I do want to do some things with this electricity of yours. When Twilight sent me the letters about human marvels, they were written as though she believed you were lying. Some of what you said seemed too farfetched to believe without proof. Your memories are proof enough to me.”

“Well, you have the memories now. Do whatever you want. I just want to go back home and try to forget.”

“Oh, I know. I know just the two ponies to give all this information to, as well. But they’ll have to be reigned in a bit, tied to the royal yoke, so to speak. Do you think you could help me with that, Navarone?”

“Celestia, if you need my help in convincing your ponies to assist you, you are failing as a leader. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.”

“I don’t think there is a nice meaning in that statement, Navarone.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing we’ve already established that I’m not a good person.” My chair flew backwards, tumbling me over. “Dammit, not in the armor!” That actually hurt.

She giggled as she pulled me and the chair upright. “I got that idea from Twilight, who apparently got it from Taya. It’s funny.” Oh lord.

“Isn’t it bad enough that I get tackled to the ground every time a pony wants a hug? Why do you insist upon throwing me around with your horrid magic as well?”

“As I said, it’s funny.”

“Freaking Trollestia. Don’t you have princess things to be doing?”

“Aww, is the big, bad human upset?”

That’s it. I pulled my gauntlet off and slid my ring on. “I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.”

“Oh, and what are you gonna do?” She was smirking. That’s never a good sign.

I stood up, walked over to her, bent down in front of her face, and licked her right on the snout. “That’s right, I licked your snout. What’re you gonna do about it?”

Look very, very shocked and surprised, apparently. Surprised enough that she didn’t catch me as I lifted my foot up and kicked her couch over, sending her to the floor and onto her back. I was on her in an instant.

And I immediately began to rub her tummy violently. “That’s a bad pony! That’s a bad, bad pony!”

She was laughing like mad, now. One thing I learned from both my time as a pony and my time as a human is that rubbing pony bellies has some odd effects. Some, it calms down. Some it makes giggle. I don’t like remembering what it did to Rarity.

After a few minutes, I stopped. I don’t think she would ever forgive me if I made her laugh so hard she peed herself. I don’t think I would ever wipe that image from my mind, either. I stood up, stepped back, and nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Ain’t so high and mighty when you’re being tickled, are you?”

She was still having giggle-spasms. It was really funny. I set her couch upright on the way back to my chair.

She was still on the floor three minutes later. “Are you planning on getting up any time soon?” I asked.

“Come help me up.”

“Hell no. You’ll just pull me down on the floor and somehow tickle me through my armor with your hooves even though that makes no sense.”

“Don’t make me tell my guards on you.”

“Psh. You’d have to get up to do that.”

“…Please?”

I sighed and stood again. “I can’t believe I spoil you so. You better not tell Luna I treat you like this, or she might get jealous.”

She smiled as she took my proffered hand. “You know that you’re the most interesting gossip piece we have. What will all the mares think when they learned that you licked my snout? And then rubbed my stomach! The scandal!” She pulled herself up without my help, just holding my hand.

“Just tell them it’s a human tradition common to the liege lady’s sister. Or better yet, don’t tell them at all. I think you’d go through more scandal than I would. But given you want your sister to be happy…” I shrugged. We had returned to our seats by this time.

“What, let her be happy at the sake of my happiness? Does that really seem fair to you?”

“That’s something you’ll have to bring up with her, not me. My biology will only allow me to be with her for half the year. I don’t think I could switch up my sleep schedule in the fall and winter to allow me to sleep at day. My body probably would require some sun. I was only in the caves for a short time and I felt myself growing weary. It was only the trips to the surface that kept me up and about.”

“I… see. That is a somewhat callous approach, Nav.”

“Celestia, I’m not good at this whole love thing. And you know I’m a blunt person. I know you and Luna have been alone for so long… It’s unfair to both of you. Why should one be happy while the other is still not? If my time is so broken up like that anyway…” I shrugged.

She appeared to be in thought for a little while. “I… I might talk to Luna. I could see her taking it the wrong way. I will have to think about this, Navarone. It is not a decision any of the three of us could take lightly.”

“Celestia, I’m a fucking alien in this world. If any of your ponies raises a fit about you and Luna taking the same consort, tell them that stranger things have happened. Like my existence. And even if they refuse to believe that, what are they going to do? You’re the fucking princess. Who’s going to stop you?”

“Well, when you put it that way… I’ll think about it. Now, take your ring off so I can send you home.”

“Promise me you won’t do anything but send me home.”

“Spoilsport. I won’t.”

I nodded and took my ring off. I reappeared back in Rarity’s shop. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but it had been a few hours since I left and I don’t think she was expecting me back.

The shop was empty, either way. I stepped outside to find the wagon and gems gone. It was still light out, but it seemed like the entire town was gone. I didn’t see a single pony there.

That meant one of two things: Monster on the loose or a Pinkie party. I unslung my crossbow and quickly cocked it. I could see Pinkie throwing a party for the gems, but there was no telling what kind of retaliation might have been in place for what was done to the Diamond Dogs.

I stalked through the town as quietly as I could, looking for anything amiss. After a while of searching, I found them all in the library, somehow. I don’t know how they all fit. I heard party music and I could see them dancing and whatnot through the windows.

I uncocked the crossbow and took off to find a nice cloud. When I got a good one, I did my best to get comfortable for a while, despite the armor. Needless to say, the next time I saw Pinkie, she was angry at me for skipping out on yet another of my anniversary parties. Year four in Equestria.

“Are you sure about this, Twilight?” I asked, looking at her dubiously.

It was a few weeks after that whole violently murder all the dogs thing. Taya, Twilight, Spike, and I were all in the library, standing within a chalk circle. Runes covered the floor around us.

“I’m… pretty sure,” she answered.

“You don’t sound that sure,” Spike commented. It’s true, she didn’t.

“Well, it should be reversible.”

“Should be? You don’t even know what this spell is going to do!” I replied. I didn’t want to be in this circle at all.

“I’m positive it won’t actually hurt us, Nav. Other than that… who can say?”

“Uh. Celestia, if you stopped being lazy and asked her.”

“She’s too busy to make time for this!”

“Twilight, she sees me every time I send her a letter and every time I need to talk to her. She is willing to reply to every letter you send that needs a reply, and she usually does it promptly. It would take her all of three minutes or so to tell you what this weird spell is going to do. You don’t need to randomly cast it.”

“Well… That’s beside the point! Now stop complaining and let me concentrate.”

Fucking unic—actually, no. Twilight’s the only one that’s like this, I can’t really make a generalization here. So, fucking Twilight.

Her horn lit up. She squeezed her eyes shut and then everything fucked up.

The first thing I noticed was how ridiculously short I was. I don’t know how I noticed that before I noticed that I wasn’t in my body anymore.

“Alright, fuck magic. I’m done with that shit for good.” The three others turned to me. They probably weren’t expecting Taya’s voice to say something like that. “I’m Navarone. Who are you three?”

Spike’s body said, “Twilight.”

Twilight’s body said, “Spike.”

My body shrugged.

“Alright. Taya, sit down. You don’t know how to walk on two legs and I don’t want you to bust my face.” She sat down, doing her best not to fall. “Twilight, fix it. Now.”

“I… I don’t have a horn,” she answered, going cross-eyed trying to look at her forehead.

“Fuck. I don’t know how to use magic, Spike doesn’t know how to use magic, and you don’t know how to send fire messages to Celestia. Suggestions?”

“Rarity?” Spike asked. “She might be able to help.” He was looking at his hooves, probably trying to figure out how to pick things up.

Twilight turned to him. “Do you know where she is today?” Spike tried to shrug but couldn’t.

“Spike, sit down. You don’t know how to walk on four legs,” I told him. “No need to make Twilight uglier by busting up her face.” She shot me a glare. “Hey, I may be down for sex with you guys now, but you’re still ugly as sin. Sorry.” She muttered something dark.

When she got over it, she said, “So. We should probably find Rarity.”

“Well, you and I are the only ones that can walk right now. I would suggest rock paper scissors, but I can’t really do much with a hoof.”

“Well, given that I need to look for the reverse spell anyway, I believe it best if you go.” Fuck.

“I blame you for this, Spike,” I said as I walked to the door. I stopped when I got there. “Twilight, can you open the door for me?”

She looked up from her book. “Navarone, it’s a door. It’s not going to bite.” She bent back down to it. “Ugh, I can’t read this at all!” I guess she ran into the problem Spike and I had with reading spell books. She passed the book to Spike and told him what to look for.

Fucking doors. Why do ponies even make doorknobs? I tried opening it. Nothing. “Fuck this shit.”

I jumped out the window. It was open, so whatever. It was kind of hard to do in a filly body, but I wasn’t going to get stopped by a damn door. I began to walk to Rarity’s home.

The town looked odd as a filly. Everything was bigger. It felt odd to not have wings. I couldn’t even feel my horn. My entire body felt weak. I was a girl—which wasn’t exactly unknown to me, what with the stones and all. Thankfully, the walk to Rarity’s house was uneventful. I kicked the door a few times since I couldn’t actually open it myself.

Sweetie Belle answered. “Oh, hi Taya! Here to try to get your cutie mark again?”

“Not exactly. Is Rarity in?”

She didn’t look amused. “You never want to hang out! It’s just magic magic magic! Well, you’re coming with me, like it or not!” She grabbed one of my forelegs and started dragging me.

“Hold up, this shit ain’t happenin’.” Sweetie Belle froze. She only knew one person that talked like that. “Twilight fucked up some of her fucking magic and I got switched to Taya’s body. Taya will have to find that on her own time. Where’s Rarity?”

She sniffed. “Nice try, but I’m not falling for that one again.” Again? What the hell has Taya been up to?

I ripped my hoof away from hers. “I know you don’t know how to use magic. I can barely use this pony body, but I’m more than a match for a jumped up filly, even if I am in a filly’s body. You try bringing me with you, you’re gonna have a fight on your hands.”

Her eyes went wide and she took an involuntary step back. “You weren’t lying! Taya always just used magic to hold me in place.” She gulped. “I’m sorry, Nav… Rarity’s with Fluttershy at the spa today.”

“For fuck’s sake… Tell her to come by the library when she gets back. I ain’t gonna be stuck in the body of a filly any longer than I have to be.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“Yes. Yes, it is that bad. I’ll see you later, Sweetie Belle.”

I started walking back to the library. My trip was not as uneventful as the last one. “Oh hello, Taya!” Cheerilee said. “Are you up to anything important? I would like to talk to you, if you have the time.”

“Sorry, Ms. Cheerilee, I don’t. I need to get home.”

She sighed, rolling her eyes. “You say that every time. What’s so important today?”

“Twilight fucked a spell up, putting me in Taya’s body,” I said. “I’m Navarone. If you want to talk to Taya, you’ll have to come with me to the library.”

She smiled. “You don’t have to lie to me, dear! I just want to talk, not hurt you.”

“Well, if I was lying, that would make me feel better. ”

She just kept that little smile. “Well, it’s good to know you’re such a good actor! What I want to talk to you about is kind of important, though. You really shouldn’t keep putting it off.”

“I’ll tell Taya to talk to you at the first opportunity, then. This is my stop, though. Until next time, Ms. Cheerilee.” With that, I jumped back in the open window of the library.

Of course, it’s harder to dissuade Cheerilee than that. She followed me in, actually opening the door. She turned to Taya, using my body to sit on the floor. She was fiddling with my hands. “Hello, Sir Navarone. Would you mind if I talked with Taya?”

Taya turned to Cheerilee. After a moment she looked at me before turning back to the teacher. “Can it wait until Twilight manages to reverse her spell?” It was odd, hearing my voice say that.

The look on Cheerilee’s face was priceless. She turned a very blushed face to me. “I’m sorry, Na—Sir Navarone.”

“Please don’t call me sir. I hate titles. If Taya doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t have to.” I turned to Taya. “Even though I told her to.” I turned back to Cheerilee. “I would offer to let you talk to her now, but she doesn’t know how to walk on two legs so you two can’t exactly go anywhere private.”

“Couldn’t she… walk on all four?”

“No. No she can’t. We’re just going to hunker down here until we get a unicorn that can remedy this situation.” I stopped for a moment. “Hey, does the school have any use for bits?”

“Uh… why?”

“Yes or no, please.”

“We’re always looking for donors to have more field trips and the like. There’s only so much you can learn in class.”

“Awesome. Come with me.” I led her back to the storage room. “Open the door. I would, but I don’t know how to use these hooves.”

“It’s easy, Nav. Here, let me show you.” She casually pushed the door open like it was nothing.

“Yeah, because that makes sense. Take all the money you need. Close the door when you’re done.” I left her there as I walked back to the library proper.

She quickly came running out. “Nav, there’s a load of bits in there!”

“Yeah. I don’t want most of it. Take what the school needs. And then take whatever you want. I don’t know how much is in there right now, so just take however much you need. Leave me with at least a hundred bits.”

“I… I can’t take your money, Nav! You earned that!”

“I earned some of it. Some of it I got from plagiarizing the works of my people.” I smiled. “Celestia was really pissed about Hamlet, too. It was funny. So yeah. You just turn around and march right back to that storage room and take some bits.”

“But—”

“Augh, will you please just take the money?” Twilight asked, looking up from her notes. “I need to find the counterspell, and you two going at it is killing my concentration!”

“Twilight, I’m not going to ‘go at it’ with Cheerilee in my daughter’s body. Please get your mind out of the gutter.” That got them both blushing, and Spike was giving a sly grin. “Now go get your bits. The sooner Twilight can figure this out, the sooner I can have my fingers back again.”

She bit her lower lip, looking at me with some concern. She finally sighed. “Fine. We can really use it… If I can ever pay you back in any way, just let me know.”

“Of course.” She slowly walked back. We just chilled in the front room for a few minutes.

Cheerilee came back with a sack of coins on her back. She looked down on me with a smile.

“Please don’t hug me,” I said as she took a step closer to me.

She stopped. “Why not?”

“Do I need a reason?”

She blinked. “Well… thanks, Nav. I’ll see that this gets used right.”

I sighed in relief as she passed me by. My sigh was short-lived when she quickly snatched me up in a hug. “Spike, help! She’s hugging me right in the filly!”

“You’re on your own, dude,” he told me. “I still haven’t figured out walking.”

“You treacherous cur! Release me, you vile pink temptress!”

Cheerilee did so, setting me back down with a smile. “Don’t you feel better?” she sweetly asked.

“No, I feel worse! Now I know how weak and helpless this body is without magic! Hurry up, Twilight.”

“It would be going a lot faster without these INTERRUPTIONS!”

That was enough to get Cheerilee to leave. I sighed as I sank to the floor. “All in all, though, I think I prefer Taya’s problems to mine.”

“You would say that,” I heard my voice mutter. “Those annoying fillies you stuck me with always want to do such boring things, and never listen when I tell them what I want to try.”

“That’s because you’re too quiet.” I closed my eyes, rolling into a filly ball. The floor wasn’t that comfortable, but I really don’t like stairs as a pony and all the beds are upstairs.

A few minutes later, Twilight let out a grunt. “I found the counterspell. I don’t know if Rarity will be able to cast it, though. And… it might take several tries to get right.”

“What do you mean, several tries?” Spike asked.

“Well… it looks like the body swapping is somewhat random. And if you add another pony, the chances of getting it right decrease.”

“Well, if Rarity can manage it once, the chances of you and Taya getting returned to the correct bodies—or a body that has a horn—are close to one," I said. "Even if you two screw up again, having three unicorns means there will always be one of you able to cast magic. We can just repeat it until you get it right.”

“Hmm… Yeah, that should work.”

“Good. Now get your nose out of the book before Celestia sends a message and you flame the fucker.”

She looked up at me. “The chances of that happening are really lo—” She convulsed, belching and sending out a scroll. Normally, Spike would be quick enough to grab it, but Twilight has no experience with that, so it flew across the room and smacked me in the face.

I rubbed at my face while Twilight walked over to the scroll and opened it. Her eyes widened, then narrowed. She crumpled the scroll up and threw it at me before walking back to the book. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she growled before anyone could ask what it said.

I curled back up and continued trying to sleep. Apparently Taya doesn’t get enough, because I really felt tired.

Taya was going through my pockets. I heard a coin clatter to the floor from her direction. I looked up and saw her picking the coin up before trying to roll it across her fingers like I do. I curled back up. “Be careful around your shoulders,” I warned.

“I already felt them,” she answered. The coin fell several more times before she presumably gave up.

After what felt like an eternity but was probably more like fifteen minutes, I said, “You know, this is something that would be a cartoon plot in my world. The only difference is that each of us would have some kind of plan or something that we had to get to right after the event happened. We couldn’t tell anyone the truth so we had to pretend to be each other. At the end we would all learn a valuable lesson about not judging others or some stupid crap like that.”

Spike answered, “Well, we could do that if you really wanted to. I mean, living as Twilight can’t be that hard, can it?”

Twilight scoffed. I replied, “Yes, it can. That’s the valuable lesson you’re supposed to learn. Even if you think someone has it easy, you may just be wrong. Hell, you probably are wrong. If it makes you feel any better, I know that I definitely have it the worst, all things told.”

“Well… yeah,” Twilight said. “You kind of do. That doesn’t mean any of the three of us have it easy, though!” The other two nodded.

“I never said that. I just said that I honestly have it worst.”

The silence returned.

“As much as I like Aloe and Lotus, they take way too long,” I sighed.

“Oh? How do you even know them? You never come with us to any of our spa dates,” Twilight said.

“I’ve bumped into them on occasion.” The things they can do with their hooves shouldn’t be possible. “They’re pretty cool girls. Tried to hire me because of my fingers, but I passed up on it. I don’t want to get paid to touch ponies, even if it is professionally.”

“Do you think they’d give me a job?” Spike asked. Twilight shot him a quick glare.

“Fuck all if I know,” I answered. “You have claws, not fingers. You could ask, though.”

“Don’t encourage him, Nav!”

“Why not? You can’t keep him tied to your apron strings forever, Twilight. He’s a dragon, even if he is hiding in a pony body.”

“Yeah, but…” She sighed, looking down.

The silence returned with a vengeance.

It was Taya that broke it this time. “Can I touch you?” she asked. I don’t know who she was talking to, so I looked up.

She was looking at me. “I’d prefer you not,” I answered. “Touch Spike. He should be just as soft.”

“Yeah, but… I always wanted to try something.”

I sighed and stood up. “Just stop if I tell you to.” I walked over to her. I was not expecting her to pick me up and put me in my body’s lap, but eh.

She began to pet me. It felt disturbingly good. “I’m really soft,” she said after a few minutes. Thankfully, she stopped.

“Yeah, you are.” I started pulling myself off her lap, but she stopped me.

“And I’m warm. Stay there.”

“I’d really rather not.”

“Please?”

I sighed. The silence returned yet again, aside from the sound of Twilight’s dragon feet slapping the floor as she paced.

That was how Rarity and Fluttershy found us. They both let out little squee’s at seeing me in Taya’s lap. “How cute,” they both said.

I poked my head up. “Fluttershy, I know you’re nice. I don’t wanna have to slap yo shit. Rarity, though… she wouldn’t hurt a filly, so I could finally get revenge on her.”

They gasped. Rarity glared at my body. “Navarone, what have you been teaching your daughter?!”

“As amusing as this is,” Twilight said, “I’d prefer to get this fixed sooner rather than later. Rarity, that is Taya,” she said pointing to my body. She pointed to each of us in turn as she called us out. “Nav, Spike, Twilight,” she said, finishing. “I have the counterspell here, ready to cast. I just need your help.”

Rarity blinked. “That’s… oh. Sweetie Belle said something odd was going on, but she didn’t specify what.” She walked over to the book. Fluttershy walked over to me and Taya.

She looked down at me with a smile that frankly scared me a little. “Fluttershy, what are you doing?”

Without turning her head, she said, “Rarity, do you know what would be fun?”

“What’s that, dear?”

“Makeover.”

“I swear to God, that I will find out how sharp this horn is if you even dare,” I said, clenching my teeth.

“They’re not very sharp,” Rarity said, stepping up next to Fluttershy. She looked down at me with a smile I could only call evil. “You know Fluttershy, I think you’re right…”

I felt Taya move. Fluttershy’s eyes widened massively as she backed away.

“Come now, Taya, I know you wouldn’t hurt me!” Rarity said. She didn’t sound that sure, though.

“She would if I told her to,” I answered with a grin. That made Rarity stand down.

I turned back to see Taya wearing my ring and holding knives in both of her hands. “All is well,” I told her. She slipped the knives back up. I turned back to Rarity. “Shall we begin?”

She nodded, gulping a bit. “Everypony to the circle, if you would…”

“Actually, I’ve got a better idea,” I said. “If we do three of us at a time, it won’t take as long. Me, Taya, and you should go first. Then you can help the other two.”

“Why would that go faster?” Rarity asked.

“Because there are fewer variables,” Twilight said with a grin. “Instead of four options, our souls will only have two. It should cut the time in half.”

“If you say so…” Rarity muttered. “Well, come on up you two.”

“We’re already in the circle, Rarity. You’re the one that’s out of it.”

She looked down. She stepped into the circle and her horn began to glow. I felt myself rip out of my body and into Rarity’s. I don’t know what else happened.

“Why do I suddenly feel uptight?”

“And why do I suddenly feel uncouth and rugged?” I heard my voice say.

“Well, I guess at least one of us won. Cast the spell, Taya.”

“I don’t know it. Hold on.” She walked over to the spell book. I tried swinging Rarity’s insanely styled tail around.

“Man, this thing is heavy. Not at all like mine.”

“Well, maybe that’s because I prefer style!”

“Are you saying Taya is unstylish? Because her tail was light too.”

She scoffed. “It’s much better than that thing you had when you were a pony!”

“You seemed to like it well enough, as I recall.” That got her blushing.

“Just because one part is bad doesn’t mean the rest is!” she muttered.

Taya rejoined the circle. Her horn glowed. I got to the right body this time. “Finally!”

“Well, one of us got it,” Taya’s body said. “I guess we can try again.”

I jumped out of the circle before her horn could finish glowing. They switched bodies, ending up in the right one.

“Well, I feel… drained,” Rarity said, looking a bit down. “Can you help the others, Taya?”

Taya nodded. Rarity stepped out of the circle and the other two stepped in. Taya’s horn glowed. It took them four tries, but they all got to the right body.

“Well, that was not at all enjoyable,” Twilight said as she returned the book to a shelf.

“Got that right,” Spike said. “So what did that letter from the princess say?” He started walking over to it before it burst into purple flames.

“Not important,” Twilight answered through clenched teeth.

I was beginning to think Twilight had some issues she needed to deal with concerning the princess.

Chapter Forty-Six—Gryphus

Chapter Forty-Six—Gryphus

I love the beginning of fall in Equestria. Ponyville is around the area of north Virginia, pretty close to DC. It gets cold early on and the leaves drop quickly. Faster, when the Running of the Leaves happens. October was always my favorite month back home, and here it is just compounded.

Which is why I was not happy I was leaving Equestria that month. I had already packed everything I needed, all the clothes and my armor and my weapons. “Do you have to go?” Taya asked for the umpteenth time, lying on my bed.

“Yes. I asked Celestia if you could go, and she said no. Didn’t say why.” Actually, she did say why: Apparently the king of griffinland is fucked in the head and likes fillies a lot more than he should. Not just fillies, but kids of all kinds. Innocence, I guess. I snorted when Celestia mentioned that. ‘Innocent’ isn’t something I would use to describe Taya. She would tear that king to pieces. Of course, she would be tearing his dead body to pieces, because if he laid a talon on her, I would rip his dick off and beat him to death with it.

But I wasn’t going to expose her to him if I had the choice. I did raise the point to Celestia that we shouldn’t even deal with a fucking pedophile. She had the relatively decent rebuttal that politics and keeping the peace are a lot more important than morals.

Didn’t mean I had to like it. Pedophiles will get their special place in hell. And if I find any children he’s keeping for his fun, I was going to bust them out. Celestia agreed with me on that, as long as I could do it quietly. I figured it wouldn’t be that hard to get Cadance and Shining Armor to help me on that issue.

I was planning on taking all of the magic things I got from the forest, my axe, the knives, clothes, the crossbow, plenty of bolts, my armor, and plenty of paper. Guard duty is boring as hell, so I was expecting—or at least hoping—I would be able to write during it. God only knows I didn’t want to have to listen to Cadance.

Thankfully, Celestia said that none of the others knew the king was a pedophile. Most ponies would refuse to deal with him if they knew. Cadance, especially, wouldn’t. They would find out right quick if I had to bust any kids out.

That should have been my first hint that she was probably lying, though.

I sighed as I looked over the few bags I was taking. “I really don’t want to do this, Taya.”

“I know. I don’t want you to either.”

“Well, it’s good to know the feeling is mutual. Not like it does us any good. At least I won’t be up all night anymore.” That wasn’t really a blessing, though. Unless I get frequent sunlight, my body starts getting sluggish and will eventually just shut down to sleep a while to recuperate the energy. I suspected that if I started eating more, I could use that energy stored to keep me awake all fall and winter as well, but I hadn’t tested it yet.

Probably wasn’t going to get to any time soon, either. I stooped down to throw the axe over my back. I buckled it on and grabbed my crossbow. I continued with the rest of my weapons. “Fucking cognitive dissonance,” I muttered as I felt their weights settle on me.

Taya looked at me, confused.

“It’s a phrase from my world. It’s when you have two conflicting ideas in your mind at once. I hate the idea of carrying weapons. I hate it so much… All the pain and death I’ve caused. But at the same time, I don’t feel comfortable unless I have cold steel on me, ready to be used in my defense.”

I eschewed a cloak this time. I was over that phase of trying to look cool. Fuck ‘em all; I already knew I wouldn’t blend in here, no matter what I wore. I did have several warmer things packed, though; we were going into fucking Canada, after all.

I looked down at all the bags on the floor. There were only three, but two were bulging, full of clothes and armor. “It’s a good thing they’re coming here,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to have to carry these far.”

“It would be a lot easier if you were wearing your armor,” Twilight said as she walked in. “I’ve gone over the checklist three times, and I believe you have everything you need to impress the king!”

Twilight had a thing for checklists. It used to be a whole lot worse, and I heard horror stories from Spike. Between me and Spike, we got her over a bit of it, but she was still really into them.

“I’m not there to impress the king.” Not officially, anyway. “I’m there to guard Cadance. I don’t know why Celestia’s insisting on sending a pregnant woman as an ambassador, but whatever.” Cadance and Shining Armor didn’t waste much time, that’s for sure. At least she wasn’t very far along; we wouldn’t have to worry about a baby coming. But we would have to worry about Shining Armor being overly protective of her, and we would have to worry about a hormonal chick.

“Well, she can’t exactly send Luna,” Twilight answered. “And ever since Blueblood disappeared…” She shrugged. “Cadance has been doing most of the ambassador missions. She’s been getting run ragged, I hear.”

“Celestia sent two ambassadors—non-royals—to Egypt. Why is this any different?”

“Because the cats are unimportant. No pony cares what they think. We didn’t even know they existed until they started causing problems! Everypony knows about griffins, and griffins have been our neighbors for hundreds of years. They have to be given the best.” She muttered something I didn’t hear. “Now let’s get all this downstairs. Don’t want to keep them waiting when they get here!”

“Twilight, this’ll be the first time in a while since you saw your brother. It wouldn’t kill them to stay and talk for a bit.” She grabbed my bags with a purple aura and they started following her down the stairs. She didn’t answer me.

Taya and I followed her down. I bumped into Spike on the way there. “When I get back, we’re going hunting,” I told him. “So be ready.”

He smiled. “About time! I don’t know why you wanted to wait until it got cold…”

“Tradition. Fall and winter were the hunting seasons back where I come from. I may not be there anymore, but I might as well keep some things from that time.” Man, it’s hard to think there will be a time where I’ve been in Equestria longer than Earth.

I made it to the main room of the library, where all of my bags were sitting, ready to be packed onto whatever ride we were getting. I assumed we were going by pegasus chariot. Anything else would probably take a while.

So color me surprised when a ladder plopped down outside of the library and Shining Armor climbed down it like that was somehow logical. He entered the library with a smile. His smile dropped when he saw me. “Put your armor on, Nav. You’re there to impress the king, after all.” Twilight smirked at me.

When she got done smirking at me, she rushed forward to hug her brother. I was dumping my bag at the time, so I had a hard time hearing them. I heard airship and stopped. “We’re going in one of those things?” I asked.

I had seen airships here in the past. They’re basically small blimps, Hindenburgs or something. I was honestly surprised they weren’t used more often, but I also didn’t care.

Shining Armor nodded. “Yep. The princess gave us one since our entourage is so large. It would take too many chariots to get everything there, and it would take too long to go by foot. We never built train tracks over the mountains toward the griffin territory, so she decided an airship would be fine.”

I started dropping weapons and putting armor on. I didn’t really like feeling enclosed in that stuff, but I’ve been through worse.

Shining looked at the bags on the floor. “Is this really all you’re bringing?”

“I travel light. I assume the griffins take bits? Or do I need to carry some gems?”

He blinked. “How do you have gems?”

“I own a gem mine now, apparently.” I shrugged.

“Bits are fine.” I finished putting my armor on. “Are you ready?”

“You just got here and now you want to leave? Don’t you want to talk to your sister?”

“We do need to get there, Nav…”

“Shiny, I’ve been away from my sister for years now. You really shouldn’t take her for granted.” I grabbed the two bags and started hauling them out. Taya followed me out. I thought about it for a few seconds and then tied the bags to the end of the rope. I bent down and grabbed Taya. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

“I know.” She sighed. “Just… come back.”

I let her go. “I fully plan on it.” I looked up at the airship and gave a light whistle. “Good God.” It was larger than most of the others I had seen. A large purple balloon sat on top of it, and propellers sat on the back. It really looked like a boat with a balloon on top. In fact… it looked familiar. That’s the pirate ship! What the hell?

Wait, more importantly, why the hell does that ship have propellers, but they can’t put propellers on the ships in the water? I swear, these ponies are fucktarded sometimes.

I grabbed the ladder and began to climb. I was halfway up to the ship before I remembered that I had wings. I kept climbing, because it had been a long time since I got to use a ladder.

When I pulled myself over the railing, I saw Rainbow Dash talking to a familiar unicorn. It was that bitch that threw me around with magic back on the ship. This is going to be a long trip. I pulled the ring out of the pouch around my neck and slipped it on. They noticed me when I was putting my gauntlet back on.

And as soon as they noticed me, I had Rainbow Dash in my face. “This thing is so awesome! I can’t believe you get to ride on this thing all the way up to Gryphus!” For anyone not familiar, that’s the griffin—or griffon or gryphon—capital.

“I’ve been on this ship before,” I said. “But it was in water at the time. I bet the blood stains have been cleaned out as well.” She paled a bit at that. “You didn’t know? This used to be a pirate ship. Quite a few of them called this place home.” I grinned. “I evicted them. Your friend over there helped,” with a nod to the murderous unicorn that was glaring at me.

In a quiet voice, Rainbow just said “Oh.” She gulped. “I’ll uh… I’ll see you when you get back, Nav.” She jumped over the edge.

I took one look at the unicorn and walked over to the entrance of the under deck. I opened it and went down. The entire place had changed. Where before it smelled of death and fear, now it seemed to smell of flowers and ponies. I found Cadance in a room, writing something down.

“Where’s my room?” I asked, standing at the door.

She looked up at me and smiled. “Hello, Nav. You know, I’ve heard some interesting news from Luna…” Her smile grew wider.

“Where’s my room?”

“She said you finally agreed to date her. I’m so happy for you both!”

“I bet she didn’t mention that her sister is considering taking me as a consort.” Her mouth dropped. “So where’s my room?”

“W-w-what?”

“It’s not a hard question. Where is. My room. You know, where I’m going to be sleeping and staying? The place I’m going to hide from that bitchy unicorn that wants to kill me? You must be working too hard if you can’t figure this one out.”

Her horn lit up. Nothing happened. I crossed my arms over my chest, looking at her. Now she was gaping again.

“Oh, Celestia didn’t tell you? I found a ring that gives me immunity to magic. You’ll have to stab me if you want to stop me, now. Funny thing: I found a key that opens any lock, too.” I pulled it out. “Including minds.” I concentrated. “Where’s my room?”

Her eyes went blank. “You don’t have one. It shouldn’t take us a day to get there, and we’re all staying in the embassy.” She blinked, shaking her head. “What did you do to me?”

“Oh, you know.” I waved a hand while putting the key away. “I’ll see you later, I suppose.” I walked back up to the deck before she could say anything.

I didn’t see Crazy Bitch McFucklips on the deck, but given that there was one entrance below decks, I was assuming she was just standing somewhere I couldn’t see her. I approached the front of the ship and leaned against the rail, looking down. Hope I don’t fall with this ring on.

It wasn’t long before I heard the clopping of hooves approach me. I didn’t turn. “I don’t want hard feelings on my boat, Nav,” I heard a familiar voice say. It sounded like that fellow that was the de facto leader of the pirate slaves. Didn’t remember his name. Didn’t really care, either.

“You don’t have any from me,” I answered, still not turning. “You should be talking to Crazy Bitch McFucklips. I’m immune to magic and poison now, so the only way she’ll kill me is by stabbing me with that horn. And while I’m wearing this armor, she won’t be able to do even that.”

He started giggling when I said her name, or at least what I was calling her. He clammed up when I mentioned my new talents. “Immune to magic, eh?” He shut up for a second. After a moment, he grunted. “Well I’ll be. How’d you pull that off?”

“Enchanted ring. I leave her alone, she leaves me alone. End of story. In fact, I’d rather just be left alone by everyone. I’m a knight now, so if she lays a hoof on me, I’ll have her in irons. We have an understanding?”

“Seems fair to me. But wouldn’t you rather make peace?”

“No. I’ve done nothing to her, other than save her from a life of slavery. If this is how she chooses to repay me, I might as well do her the favor of staying out of her business.”

“I see. Would you be willing to talk to a few of the others, at least? Some… haven’t been doing as well as others. We’re all in this business together; it doesn’t take much to keep this scow operational. No pony wanted to buy a ship with such a dark history, but Princess Celestia took pity on us and gave us a neat little solution. We all said we were done with the sea, but… Well, we’re not on the sea!”

“Yeah, and what happens when you fall off?”

“Those of us without wings stay away from the edge,” I heard Shining Armor say as he walked up. I didn’t hear him heave himself over the top, but then, I was a bit distracted.

“You get used to heights,” I answered. “When are we casting off?”

“As soon as the captain returns to his post,” he answered.

“Aye aye, sir,” the captain said, presumably saluting. I heard him walk off. Shining Armor stayed.

“Shiny, I might have a bit of a problem with one of the mares here.”

“Don’t call me that. What kind of problem?”

“I saved her from slavery and she tried to kill me twice until I threatened to cut off her horn and shove it up her ass.” Actually, I don’t remember what I threatened to do with it, but I know I was going to cut it off.

“I see. Well, as long as she leaves you alone now, there won’t be a problem.” I felt a judder as the ship kicked into gear and began to move. “Your bags are stowed below with the others. Has Celestia already briefed you?”

“Yeah. Show up, look good, be impressive, guard Cadance. If the king gets uppity, slap his shit.”

“The first four are good. Don’t lay a hoof—or hand—on the king. I’d prefer you not talking to him at all, but if he asks you a question, you need to answer it. He’s not at all like the princesses.”

“I’ve met a king and a queen before. I’ll be fine.”

“You’ve met a king of a backwater and a queen that was basically a vassal. This is different, Nav.”

“Buck up, prince. I’ll be fine.”

“P-p-prince!?”

“Yeah. You married a princess. The fuck you think that makes you?” That’s one reason I sure wasn’t in any hurry to get married to Luna. Not a fan of marriage and I sure don’t want to be a prince.

“I… I never thought of that before. I’m… I’m a prince!” He started giggling. “I wonder what kind of authority I have now… I bet Cadance knows!” It sounded like he took a step back, but he stopped. “Nav, why are you looking out there, anyway?”

“See that mare glaring at me next to the captain?”

“Uh… no?”

“Well, I’m sure she’s somewhere. I don’t want to see her. Besides, I like watching the plebeians run about their day like little insects.”

“That’s… kinda messed up.”

“Yeah. I just said that to see what kind of reaction I’d get. You’ll do fine as a prince. I shouldn’t have to do to you what I did to Blueblood.”

“What… what did you do to Blueblood?”

“Well, when was the last time you saw him?”

“Um… You didn’t… you couldn’t… Did you?”

“No. I just wanted to see your reaction again.”

“You’re terrible, Nav. I’m going to see my wife, unless you need anything.”

“You still want to talk about my time back home? I’m sure we have some time, if you do.”

“I have some things to get squared away. We’ll have time during the week.”

“See you whenever, then. Don’t make her moan too loud, now.”

He beat a hasty retreat at that. I knew he didn’t like being teased, which is of course why I did it. Sure, he could make my life hell if he wanted to, but I could make his worse—and shorter. Being a knight apparently has some interesting perks that I never planned on taking advantage of if I could help it.

I was alone there for nearly an hour, watching the countryside pass by. Good things never last, I’ve found. I heard a pony clop up to me. “Sir,” a male voice said, “do you have any orders?”

What the fuck? I turned around and saw a bat-winged night guard standing there. “What the fuck?”

He looked at me, confused, and said, “Princess Luna placed me under your command for this mission, sir.”

“Then Princess Luna is smoking crack. Did she give you anything to give me?”

I saw a light click on in his head. He patted all over before pulling a letter out from under his armor and handing it to me.

“This better not be sweaty,” I said as I grabbed it. He smiled sheepishly as I opened it. “Blah blah, Sunshine Smiles asked to guard you, blah blah don’t get hurt, blah.” I looked up. “What the fuck, dude?”

“Well… After what you did for us, the night guards want to make sure nothing bad happens to you. Princess Luna was all too happy to allow one of us to accompany you to the griffin capital. We all wanted to send more, but it would be suspicious enough sending one along with you.”

“I don’t see why, honestly. Both to sending any and as to why one would be suspicious. When have I—Never mind.” I looked back to see how far away we were. “Too damn far to send you back.” I turned back to him and crossed my arms, leaning against the rails. “So. Does Shining Armor know about you?”

“Yes sir. I reported to him first.”

“Cut the sir crap, unless you absolutely feel the need to annoy me. Shit, I bet you’re supposed to be sleeping right now, aren’t you?”

“Well… I usually am asleep right now, yes.”

“You ain’t much use to me dead tired, Smiles. Though to be fair, I honestly don’t know what use you’ll be to me at all. With the onset of fall, I start sleeping again. And it has to be at night, or my body will start to shut down. Resetting a sleep schedule is hell on the body and on the mind, as I’m sure you know. All of my activities will be during the day, when you are asleep. You’d probably be better off joining the small night guard contingent Cadance has guarding her. I won’t tell Luna if you don’t.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, sir. She told me personally to make sure nothing happened to her soon-to-be special somepony. Or… somehuman, I suppose.” I wish there was a way I could make myself look more threatening. Orange hair just doesn’t do enough.

“And this letter says you have to follow my orders.”

“But the princess told me to guard you. From what she told me, making sure you get home safe is more important to me than making sure Princess Cadance gets home safe.”

“Well, my life is forfeit if Cadance doesn’t make it back. Celestia would have my head mounted above her throne if anything happens to Cadance. And given that there will be no threats to my person, I believe that making sure Cadance returns safely will give me the highest chance of keeping my head.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not having this debate with you, sir. I’m going to guard you if I have to sneak around to do it.”

“For fuck’s sake… Fine. Good luck staying awake, Smiles.” I saw him living up to his namesake before I turned back around and began watching the passing scenery again.

Silence reigned for a good little while. I saw the scenery slowly change from coniferous forests to evergreen forests. We passed a few small settlements, each full of ponies. I saw more and more different races the further north we went. The most common were still ponies, but griffins and a few dogs began to show up. Of course, it was hard to tell as high up as we were, but we also ran into plenty of fliers.

It was a nice day out wherever we went, apparently. I later learned that Celestia had this path opened up for us all the way there so that our airship didn’t run into any bad weather. Rather nice of her.

Silence never lasts. It’s a shame. I heard the guard come to attention and then a gentle clopping of hooves come up to me. “Would you mind leaving us, guard?” Cadance asked.

“Don’t move, Smiles,” I said, turning. “He’s my assurance, Cadance. You throw me over the side, I have a witness.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Nav. I just want to talk.” She cast a sidelong glance to the guard. “About private things. Besides, you have wings.”

“We have nothing private between us, Cadance. Nor is there anything I wish to make private or discuss that might be private. I solve my problems, no one else.”

“Don’t make me order you to talk about this, Nav.”

“You can’t order me to do shit.”

“Your oaths would require you obey me!”

“My oaths were revoked by Luna herself. I’m a knight in name, not in oath.”

Her eyes widened. “How did… Why would she do that?”

I smiled. “I gave her an offer. Nav, or Sir Navarone.”

She looked disgusted. “How dare you hold love ransom?! You monster!” Her horn lit up but nothing happened. She grit her teeth.

“I honestly don’t consider that holding love ransom. If you were forced to follow every command Shining Armor gave you, could you love him? Could you happily have a relationship with someone that has complete control over you?”

“Somepony that loved me would never order me to do something that I didn’t want to!”

“I’m so very happy for you. I don’t have the same luck, since I’m not a princess that lives in happy fairy tale world. I live in a place called reality. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Here’s a bit of an introduction: It fucking sucks. What did you want to talk about?”

“Why do you hate me, Nav?”

I blinked. I opened my mouth to respond, but I had to close it. Why am I so mean to her? “That’s a good question. I could give a few reasons, but some are blunt and painful. Do you really want to hear them?” She gave a stiff nod. “I don’t really like the color pink. Your voice is somewhat annoying. Ever since you’ve met me, you’ve been trying to get me to talk about something that is in no way your business and I’ve told you repeatedly that I do not want to talk about it and yet you persist in annoying me anyway. I’m sick and tired of fucking ponies that refuse to leave me alone. You are a princess and yet you have no idea what it takes to take and hold a throne. You were born into the role—or were perhaps adopted as Blueblood was, I don’t know—and thus have no experience living on a day to day basis, trying to make sure you stay alive. You don’t know what it takes to do my job and automatically assume I have it easy and can spend all day talking to you about something you have no business discussing. While that is currently true, I’ve pulled jobs in the past where I would have been killed for daring to open my mouth out of place. The first time we met, you assumed you knew me based on what you had heard around the palace and from what Celestia and perhaps Luna had told you, and when you realized I didn’t live up to what you were told, you seemed personally offended or very scared, one of the two.” Though that was fair enough, given that I was threatening to torture anyone that attacked her. “Now, a question of my own: Why don’t you hate me?”

She looked like she was about to cry. The night guard looked like his eyes were going to bulge out of his head. She finally managed to answer, “Because you’re broken. You don’t mean to hurt me, you just do it because you can’t stand to let anypony close to you.”

“If thinking that makes you feel better. Now, what did you want to talk about?”

“…It can wait, I think. I will… see you later, Navarone.” She walked away, head hung low.

When she was out of earshot, Sunshine said, “It isn’t my business, but that was really mean.”

I didn’t say anything, just turned around and watched the scenery change some more. What was there to say? He was right. It really was mean. And he was also right when he said it wasn’t his business. God I wish I had some alcohol… Vinyl needs to get off her ass and start making some.

Is it bad, that I felt a strong urge to jump off the side of the airship? To tell Sunshine Smiles to go get me something from below decks and just fall, letting my body painlessly hit the ground? To finally find peace among the ponies…

I almost did it, when I heard more clopping behind me. “What is your business?” the guard demanded.

“I want to talk to the human,” a female voice said.

“Sir?”

I turned to look. Just one of the random ex-slaves. “What do you want?” I asked her.

“I wanted to thank you again. For saving us, and for helping us after. I know you didn’t want to talk to us, but everything you told us helped us get better. But… not all of us are doing so well.”

“Your captain mentioned that. I told you it would be hard. I’m having problems of my own.”

“Just as you said you would?” I nodded. “You know you can talk to any of us. And you know we are always willing to talk to you. Except for Sunny, who still hates you even though she’s the one that took your advice most to heart.”

“Just because I can doesn’t mean I should. I’ve picked up problems since we last spoke. Dark problems. I’ll not burden any of your minds with them, but if you’ll all do me a favor, I will listen to those that need more help.”

“Anything, Nav. Ask and we’ll do it.”

“Keep a very, very watchful eye on your children—your foals—in Gryphus. I’ve heard bad rumors, and I wouldn’t want any of them hurt.”

She nodded. “Princess Celestia has heard the same rumors. She allowed us to keep our foals in Canterlot for the duration of this mission.”

“Yeah, she’s a pretty nice lady. I guess I don’t need a favor anymore. Tough luck, I suppose.”

She grinned. “You wouldn’t turn any of us away if we really needed help. You’re too nice.”

“That’s an opinion. I just sent that pretty princess away in tears.”

“She didn’t need help though, did she?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t get to what she wanted to talk about. I doubt it, though; she’s been bugging me for a while.”

“I’ll send some of them on over, then.”

“One at a time. You know the drill.”

She nodded. “Of course. I don’t know why you insisted upon that, though.” The real reason was that I figured I could handle at most one unicorn at a time back when I wasn’t immune to magic. I kept my crossbow loaded every time one of them came by, so I could easily kill them before they could react. The reason I told them is that they could talk more freely without anyone there to judge them or to make them shy about their problems. The fake reason is pretty good, if I do say so myself.

She left. The guard gave me a bit of a confused look. “Don’t worry about it,” I told him. He shrugged.

I spent the rest of the ride talking to depressed unicorns. It made me feel better about myself, but that isn’t saying much.

I noticed that as we got further north, the fewer houses I began to see. Instead, I saw large trees that looked relatively hollowed out. In a lull between slaves, I asked the guard, “Do griffins live in trees or something?”

“Those that aren’t in the capital do usually live in trees, yes. The capital is styled after more modern architecture. It is a city closer to Canterlot than to other griffin towns, but it does have a few trees.”

“Hope they never have a dragon problem… We getting grub on this barge, or are they going to feed us when we arrive?”

“I don’t know, sir.” I guess he wants to annoy me. I hate titles.

The griffin capital looked dull—and I mean that in two ways. It looked dark, bereft of brightness. And it looked boring, lacking much to do. As soon as we got within sight of the city, we picked up a griffin escort that lazily followed us as we entered the city proper.

Smiles was right: the city appeared styled after a Canterlot that was on a plain, rather than built onto the side of a mountain. Missing were all the bright and cheerful colors, replaced by a sad and somber grey and black. Rather than the tile roofs that grace the many buildings of Canterlot, most of the roofs here were thatched, presumably to help keep in warmth; without magic, they had to make do. From my time in Africa, I knew how much that sucked.

Hopefully we would have magic rooms and stuff since we were going to be in an embassy. Surely there would be a few unicorns that could regulate the temperature. I could feel a nip in the air already, and it didn’t help that we were high up. I envied the griffins their feathery coverings, and wrapped my body as well as I could in my wings. Armor is not made for cold weather.

Shining Armor, Cadance, and the rest of the guards came out on deck ten minutes before we got off. “Everypony get ready to disembark,” Shiny called. “This ship isn’t coming back for three weeks. You leave something on board, it stays on board.”

I turned to my guard. “Smiles, is all your gear ready to go?”

“Not yet, sir.”

“Then let’s go get our stuff.” I led the way to the storage area. The ship had very few passengers, and most of them were above and waiting to get off. We had no trouble finding our bags.

Thankfully, neither of us had much of anything. “Need help with that, sir?” he asked, watching me heft a bag over my shoulder.

“No. I dearly hope you have everything, because if you have to stay in that armor until we’re done here, you are going to freeze your ass off.”

“I have everything.” We went back up topside to find that we were getting awfully close to the castle. It was a large, ugly thing. Nothing at all like the castle at Canterlot. First glances from far away gave this thing a lot more credit than it was due. This castle just looked cold: Dark, empty, unpleasant… I don’t know how else to describe it, honestly.

We were getting a little too close to the tower. Like, way too close. The guards and I both were starting to get uncomfortable, and we were looking around anxiously. The griffin escort we had picked up had apparently been trying to get us to stop or something, but had given up and were high-tailing it away from whatever they expected to happen.

I calmly pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring, sliding it into the pouch around my neck. “If we hit that castle, drop your shit and fucking bail,” I warned my guard. “We can buy more of whatever you had. We can’t buy more you.”

He gulped. “You got it, sir.”

Shining Armor and Cadance were looking confident, though. I assumed there was a plan that we weren’t told about. Well, Cadance was looking more confident than Shiny, but then she also had wings. All of the unicorns I could see that manned the ship were doing fine, though.

We didn’t hit the castle, of course. Though I have to admit, it would have been awesome if we had—until the griffins interpreted it as an act of war, at least. We jerked upwards at the last moment and stopped right next to a spire, a quick step away. There was a griffin there waiting for us.

“Princess Cadance?” the fellow said, looking at the pink alicorn. She nodded. “Come this way. You will be shown to your quarters, and then you will be brought before the king.”

“Lead the way, please.” He did. We all followed him. Cadance was at his side, talking to him about what to expect. Shiny was watching over the guards, giving small orders every now and then to make sure they were tip-top. We had six regular day guards, four night guards, me, Shining Armor, Sunshine Smiles, and Cadance.

Whereas the halls of Canterlot Castle had rich carpets and colorful tapestries, this place had stone floors and mostly bare walls. There were almost no decorations at all. The few tapestries we passed were darker and depicted much more gory scenes. Cadance grimaced at a few of them, but didn’t say anything.

It didn’t take us long to get to where we were being led: A small wing of the castle. I didn’t comment on that in front of the griffin, but when we all set our stuff down in our rooms—and I was given a room to myself, thank God—I found Shining Armor. “This is not an embassy,” I told him.

“It is, in a way. Since the griffins and ponies are neighbors, we keep each other’s ambassadors more comfortable. Whenever ambassador parties come from here, we put them up in the palace. Whenever our ambassadors come here, they stay in these rooms.”

That isn’t at all like my world, then. There, our ambassadors have their own buildings and are almost always staffed. Or at least, I think that’s how it works; I wasn’t exactly given an education in world politics.

I just shook my head and went back to my relatively nice room. Stowing away my gear was easy: Throw the bag of clothes in a corner to be ransacked as needed.

Look, I’m a bachelor. I can do this shit.

Sunshine Smiles felt the need to rain on my parade, though. “Sir, why are your clothes in the corner? That’s highly unprofessional.”

“Dude, when have I ever given you a vibe that indicates I know what the fuck I’m doing? I just listen to my instincts; my mind is along for the ride.”

“I don’t believe that for a minute… sir.”

“You’re doing that on purpose.” He played innocent. “Whatever. When are we leaving?”

“Three minutes. Two, now. I hope you’re ready.”

“I am. You need to stay here; my job is to impress the king by being a kickass mofo. If I show up with a guard, that is going to seriously crimp my style. That ain’t up for debate, either, you hear me?”

“I know. Princess Luna said you would insist on that. Since it fits with the main mission imperative and since you’ll be surrounded by our guards anyway there shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Whatever. Feel free to do whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t involve rooting around in my stuff.”

“Yes sir.”

“And knock that shit off. Seriously, you’re probably older than I am.”

“Well, how old are you?”

“…Twenty something. I don’t remember anymore.”

“I see… sir.” He was smirking as he said it.

“Fuck you, Smiles.” I left the room at that. I loaded my crossbow as I walked to the small group of ponies that looked like they were getting ready to meet a king.

Cadance was at their head. It was just one guard, Shining Armor, her, and then me. I holstered my crossbow as I joined them. “You won’t need that, Nav,” Shiny told me.

“Okay,” is all I said. I didn’t make any move to unload it. I remember what happened the last time I got back from a meeting with a king when I wasn’t armed. Assassins could kill Cadance all they wanted, but they weren’t going to catch me unawares.

“Navarone, please…” Cadance said.

I looked at her. “Do you know what happened the last time I was in an embassy?” She shook her head. “Assassins. Assassins everywhere.” Actually, there were only two of them. Well, unless you count Kat. “You can laze about if you want. Me, I’m not getting caught with my pants down. If those fuckers want my blood, they’re going to have to work for it.”

“You’re here to guard Cadance, Nav, not yourself,” Shiny told me, a bit of sharpness to his voice.

“My safety comes first, to me. I’m not patriotic. I’m not loyal. I’m not self-sacrificing. I’m here because I have to be. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” he forced through gritted teeth.

Cadance, however, rolled her eyes. “Don’t pay him any mind, Shiny. He’s just lying to make himself look tough. He might not like me, but he’ll do his job.”

The unimportant redshirt hissed, nodding down the hall. We all saw a griffin approaching. I popped my neck as it approached. “This is the group that will see the king?” he asked when he was close enough. Cadance nodded. “Come with me, then.” Off we went, down more drafty halls.

We were walking for a few minutes when I said, “So uh… What’s the king’s name, anyway?”

“Bloodbeak,” the griffin answered, not turning.

Well that’s a bit ominous. “Is his beak bloody, or did his parents just like odd names?”

“His parents just liked odd names,” the griffin answered. I think he was grinning, but it was hard to tell from this angle. It was also hard to tell because he had a fucking beak instead of a mouth.

The throne room didn’t have doors. We were led straight in and I got my first look at the king.

He was boring looking, just like his castle. Old and grey, the only sparks of life on him were his eyes, which watched us—no, they just watched me—approach. He stood when we were halfway to him. “Why do you bring a heavily armed freak to me, Cadance?”

“I may be a freak, but at least I ain’t a peckerface.”

…

Oh shit.

One hand shot to my knife before I realized the king was laughing. Shining Armor was glaring at me. Cadance was giving me a pained look. The guard had his eyes squeezed shut, thinking he was about to die. The king’s guards were watching impassively. And the king was still giggling slightly. I slowly eased my hand off the dagger.

“So they were right!” he finally boomed. “The ponies finally sent me a warrior! Something with fire in his blood! I don’t know what a pecker is, but from your reaction, I’m guessing it was a grand insult. I heard the reports of how you won the tournament in Prance, so I shan’t bother you for details of your ‘battles.’ I’m sure your parts in them were things none would care to hear. Now come, all of you. Let us feast.”

With that, he descended from his small dais and walked toward our group. Shock and surprise replaced horror on the faces of Shiny and Cadance. And probably my own, honestly. I did my best to look nonchalant, but it didn’t seem to be working. The king walked through our group. Cadance stepped aside to let him pass by her. Thankfully, he didn’t get near me.

But… “Walk with me, Navarone,” he said as he passed.

I stepped to his side, walking next to him. I heard Shiny whisper, “What just happened?” No one answered him. I wish I knew what just happened as well.

“You know, you’re the first royal I’ve met that was cool with an insult being the first thing out of my mouth,” I commented as we walked.

“I know about you, Navarone. Irreverent. Rude. Crude. Blunt. Loyal and self-sacrificing.” Shiny snorted at that. “Kind to anything not an enemy—and kind to them as long as they are kind in turn. Once you defeat them, of course. And from the things I’ve heard, you will defeat them, even if you have to resort to less than pleasant tactics to do so. Tell me, have you ever had an honorable fight?”

“Yes. Well, sort of. I ran into an assassin once that I had to fight face to face. I tackled him, using my superior strength to ruin his day. We both had daggers, but I knew if I had to fight with that, I would end up dead.”

“You are one I would never hope to fight, Navarone. Not in a war and not in a duel—and I’ve heard you were involved in one of those as well. Though I heard you didn’t fight fair.”

“You are correct, I didn’t. Why would I?”

“Because fighting fair and honorably allows those around you to know that the winner won from a superior fighting ability.”

“It doesn’t matter who’s a better fighter. At the end of the day, all that matters is who walks away and who doesn’t. If I can win a fight with my brain rather than my skills as a fighter, I can go home to my daughter a happy man—because it means I didn’t risk her father’s life doing something as stupid as fighting.”

“If you think that, why would you not learn to be the best fighter you can be so you take fewer risks?”

“Because warriors are a dime-a-dozen. Anyone can swing a blade or bash a skull in. Thinkers… No, generals are irreplaceable. If I can prove my worth by leading men and outsmarting the enemy, I’ll never find myself in the path of a sword again, until I find myself facing someone smarter than I am and I lose it all. I’d rather not be forced to fight at all, but if I had to, I would choose to lead from the back rather than fight at the front.”

“All the hatchlings grow up dreaming to become a soldier to fight. So very few grow up dreaming to cower behind them.”

“Any leader that fights with his men is an idiot. They need to be at the back, coordinating the assault using messengers and signals. If the enemy changes tactics, the commander must order his troops to respond immediately. They can’t tell what the enemy army is doing if they are in the thick of battle. At the back, they can use fliers to keep up with the flow of the battle and use those same fliers to send messages to the commanders of the individual parts of the army to correspond immediately to whatever the enemy attempts. And if, at the end of the day, your army is routed… Which would you rather make it back home? A bedraggled infantryman, or the commander leading the force?”

“The infantry can fight another day. A commander that failed me so would be put to death.”

“More fool you. No one can win every battle. Some are impossible. Sometimes you fight for a reason other than winning. If you kill every commander that loses, you will soon find yourself lacking people smart enough to lead, meaning you’ll lose more and more battles. There are indicators that your commander is an idiot and you need to look out for them, but if you put someone to death for a single loss? You’re going to lose the war and I’m afraid to say that you’ll deserve it.”

“Navarone!” Cadance hissed. I looked back at her to see her glaring at me. She flicked her eyes at the king, who I saw was looking at me with confusion.

He slowly said, “You are the only one I have ever had dare tell me I was a fool. And I have said many foolish things in my long life.”

“Well, I’ve punched a queen in the face before, so don’t think I haven’t done worse. You said it yourself, though: I am blunt and I am irreverent. We don’t have kings where I come from because we killed them.” Only partly true. “They started pushing their people too hard, so the people revolted. Royal blood sheds just as easily as peasant blood, if you can get to it.”

“So your people live in anarchy?”

“No. We elect our leaders. Everyone that is above a certain age is allowed to cast a vote for a candidate that is running for the position of president. The president stays in power for a short time and is then put up for reelection. In my country, they can be elected twice before having to stand down and pass the flag. Just about anyone can run for president, but convincing the people that you deserve to win is the hard part. You have to travel extensively to get your name in the minds of the people. You have to give speeches and make promises that you need to fulfill upon being elected.”

“And your president then becomes the king?”

“No. Not a king as you know it. We have three branches: Executive, legislative, and judicial.” I briefly explained how they worked.

“I see. You mentioned a Constitution. What is that?” I told him. “Why would you need to protect rights that are inalie… universal?”

“Because there are good people in my world and there are bad people in my world. The good want to stay free and the bad want to take power and do as they wish. The Constitution ensures that the people that are neither good nor bad will know when the bad people are trying to take power. If any of the rights guaranteed in the Constitution start disappearing… It’s time to break out the guns and have another Revolution.”

He nodded slowly. “We have had… our own problems with that. We shall discuss this more later.” He stopped at a door that a servant opened for him. “Let us eat.” He led the way inside. A large table was within, and he promptly took his place at the head. He beckoned me to his right-hand side. I joined him with a shrug. Cadance was positioned at his left, with Shiny next to her. The redshirt started to stand behind her but I pointed him next to me. He ignored me.

“The best measure of a leader, I have found, is how they treat those under them,” the king commented as he saw the exchange. “The ambassador is safe here, soldier. You may join us.”

Shining Armor glared at me as the soldier stiffly moved to sit next to me. I shrugged. I am going to be in soooo much trouble when we get back to the embassy. The king noticed that too, but didn’t say anything. As soon as the redshirt sat down, the table began to fill up with more griffins. Various nobles and dignitaries, I suppose; none were introduced to me. I slid my gauntlets off as servants began to bring out food.

I grinned massively as they dropped a smoked boar in front of me and the king. Oh, and Cadance, who was looking at it in mute horror. Shiny and the guard had similar reactions. There was no silverware or anything like that for me, so I wondered a moment how I was supposed to eat this thing or carve anything off.

The king answered that for me by gripping one of the legs and tearing it off.

Right in front of Cadance. I think some grease landed in her hair.

I wish I had a camera. Oh my God, I wish I had a camera.

As soon as the king took a large bite from what he had ripped off, the other griffins began eating. The servants had dropped vegetarian fare off for the ponies, and there was plenty of bread and whatnot for them besides. They also gave me a salad that I promptly pushed to the guard next to me. I jerked my knife out and carved into the pig.

Shiny jumped back. “You eat meat?!”

I pulled the hunk of boar to my plate. “Uh, yeah? Didn’t you notice my teeth?”

“And Celestia let you live with Twiley?” His tone was starting to sound dangerous.

“Yeah. Twilight has known since she met me. Cadance knew, too.” I took a bite of the boar. It was like an angel came in my mouth. I let out a sigh and said to the king, “I don’t eat meat nearly enough anymore.” Less time to hunt, with Taya. “I don’t suppose I could get some kind of jerky or something before I leave to take back with me?”

“That can be arranged,” he said in an approving tone. He winked at me.

Cadance pushed her plate away, having eaten almost nothing. “Please don’t encourage him, your majesty. I know that he can eat meat, but he doesn’t have to.”

“Yeah, and you can eat cupcakes,” he replied. “But wouldn’t you prefer a life with them? Such is meat to a meat eater. We can live without it, but why? Surely Celestia wouldn’t send a pony with such sensibilities to be an ambassador to the griffins!”

“I was her only choice. Blueblood disappeared, Luna is unable to leave Canterlot for some time, and Celestia herself has to deal with something very important.” I wonder what that would be. “Our closest allies require royalty, so royalty was sent.”

“I see. And yet we offend you. How do you expect to make any manner of deal like this?”

“I would prefer to not speak business over dinner,” she calmly replied.

“A wise mare,” the king said. “So be it. Eat, or don’t. Business for us begins tomorrow. Bring out the mead!” he commanded.

I dropped the hunk of boar I was working on. “Did you say… mead? As in honey alcohol?”

“There is honey involved, yes,” the king said as servants began to pour golden liquid into mugs at our sides. “I don’t know the rest of the making of it.”

I grabbed the mug with a shaking hand and sipped at it. Oh sweet Jesus. “I was summoned to the wrong place in this world,” I said. I tilted the mug back and drained the booze. I set the cup back down and looked over the pig at Cadance. “Is it too late to tender my resignation as a knight to move up to the griffin lands?”

The king boomed out a laugh. “You are welcome up here, Navarone!”

Cadance, however, was not amused. “Yes, it is too late. I believe you know why.”

“Geez, you just don’t know how to take a joke. Also uh… You probably shouldn’t drink any of that mead. Unicorns don’t mix with alcohol, and I know one of you has had bad experiences with it.”

Shiny and Cadance shared a glance. Both of their horns lit up, the mugs floated over to them, and they drained them.

Shining Armor raised his eyebrows. “This is better than the stuff you gave us, Nav!”

“This was made better, that’s why,” I replied. “And mead is just awesome. I’ll have to get the recipe before we leave.”

Cadance shook her head. “Princess Celestia banned the import of this, Nav,” she said. “I don’t think she’ll be pleased to find you making it.”

“I see.” I was totally going to do it anyway. Celestia has been reading my journals, so I know she knows I’ve been making booze. If she hasn’t stopped me yet, she probably wasn’t going to. I continued eating.

I noticed that the guard next to me was chatting up the chick next to him. They were talking about battles they have both been in or something. Apparently this guard was a veteran of many Everfree monster fights. Since no one else around me was talking, I started listening in.

And from the sounds of it, somepony was getting laid tonight. I’ve fucked a griffin before and I have to say that I felt sorry for him. But I wasn’t about to ruin it for him, so I kept my mouth shut.

When the king finished eating—and he ate over half that boar by himself—he said, “So Navarone, why were you sent with the ponies?”

Cadance said, “As a gua—”

“To impress you,” I said, cutting her off. “They figured a warlike creature would be better suited to impress the king of a warlike people than a pony, even one decked out in armor.” Cadance and Shiny both glared at me.

“It worked,” he replied with a smile. “Tell me, how old are you?”

“Twenty-three.” I wasn’t certain about that, actually. I remember turning twenty-one, but I don’t remember when. Age seems to get confused in this place, at least for me.

“So young…” I felt my hands clenching at that. It was easy to forget this guy fucks children. “You are far from innocent, though. Such is the life of those that live lives such as yours. A shame, truly.”

“Hardly. Innocence is a shield, a pair of blinders worn by children and those that don’t know hardship. It is nice while you have it, but when you finally lose it, you look back and see what you missed just because you never thought about something. You can’t take action as an innocent. You can’t change anything. You’re stuck in a small world with a narrow view, following a path set in front of you by those that long ago lost their innocence.” Maybe that’s cynicism talking. “There’s a reason Celestia rules the ponies. She is jaded and cynical while at the same time wise and loving. She leads an innocent people using the kind of wisdom it takes thousands of years to accumulate. If all of her people were forced to open their eyes, the poor mare could finally get some rest and retire in peace.”

Shiny and Cadance were quite surprised at that. I think the king was as well. At least I knew the king wouldn’t want to have his way with me.

“So young, and you have a daughter?” he said when he rallied.

“Yeah. It’s a shame I had to leave her, but when duty calls, I have to answer. She’s not mine by blood, though. I found her in a land across the sea and brought her here. I was going to leave her in an orphanage, but Celestia’s a bitch and made me keep her.” I shrugged. “She grew on me.”

“It’s good to know you treat all royalty like me,” the king said. “You mentioned you punched a queen in the face. What happened?” I told him the tale. “We have had problems with changelings in the past. Our allies and friends the dogs have as well. I believe a large mining colony was recently wiped out by the changelings. There have been raids going back and forth between the two for a while, but never anything on that scale… Filthy monsters.” He shook his head. “If the changelings weren’t largely based under Equestria, we would have wiped them out long ago.”

I think it would have been a bad idea to mention my part in that affair. Thankfully, Shiny and Cadance were smart enough to not mention the treaty between the changelings and Equestria. Fucking politics, man. How does it work?

“Your silence betrays you, Navarone. Do you disagree?” he asked.

Fuck me. “I think I would rather have an army of shape shifters on my side rather than as enemies. We found out how much damage a single changeling can do at their wedding,” I said with a wave to Cadance and Shining Armor. “There was a very real danger of her overpowering Celestia and taking over Equestria all by herself. Imagine having a changeling as an ally that could do that to your enemies. Imagine an entire army that could do something like that. Yes, you could track them down and eliminate them. But why, when friendship is so much more useful?”

“They are parasites. They survive off emotion and other resources and give little in return. We could use their ‘talents,’ but why, when we could so very easily win an upfront and fair fight?”

“At what cost? I could think of several ways to use changelings in an upfront fight against an enemy that fights as griffins do. Each would give me a significant advantage. Probably enough of an advantage to win.”

“Your mind works in devious ways. Ours do not. We might discuss this more at a later time. If you have no questions, ambassador, I can have a servant show you back to your quarters.”

“That would be fine, your highness.”

He snapped and a servant appeared. The king pointed to Cadance and jerked his thumb backwards. The servant nodded. “Follow me, please,” she said. We did. She led us right back to the embassy. I slipped my ring on while we walked.

I very quietly—as quietly as I could in a suit of plate armor—tried to return to my room. I got to the door to find that it was glowing a light blue, the tell-tale sign of a unicorn’s magic. I casually opened it with the hand that had the ring and stepped inside, locking it behind me with my magic key. I giggled as I heard a muffled curse.

Sunshine Smiles was passed out on my bed. I slipped my boots off and padded my way to him. I leaned in real close. “BOO!”

He shot up out of bed. “I wasn’t sleeping!”

“Dude, yes you were. Don’t even try.”

“…Yes I was. I’m sorry, sir.”

“You have your own fucking room. Why are you sleeping in here?”

“I… don’t have my own room, actually. There was no room in the small barracks for me. Captain Armor and Princess Cadance have the other room.” He attempted to give me puppy-dog eyes.

“I hope you don’t mind sleeping in the hall, then.” His puppy-dog eyes intensified. I sighed. “Two rules: This is my bed. If I catch you sleeping next to me, I’m castrating you. And when I go to sleep, you can shut the fuck up. You can accomplish that by being somewhere else or by sleeping yourself. Oh, and another rule: If you find a chick you want to fuck, feel free to bring her here and use the bed as long as you warn me and change the sheets.”

“I prefer stallions. But yes sir.”

“Then if you fuck in my bed, you definitely better change the damn sheets. Just leave a sock on the door knob or something if you have a guy in here.”

“What’s a sock?”

I pulled one of mine off. “This. Just grab one from my bag or something.” I began taking my armor off. “As far as I know, we’re done with the king for the night. Feel free to go find food or whatever.”

“We were all given food. The servants came by and gave us stuff.”

“Then find something to amuse yourself with. Make a bed or something on the floor. I have things to write.”

I opened my smaller bag and set up shop at the desk. I was about to start writing when he said, “Where can I get some blankets?”

Without turning I said, “Fuck if I know. Good luck with that.”

“You know, if I get cold, I might just have to cuddle up with you. Those wings sure do look warm…”

“That would be breaking rule one and would end with you castrated. In case you don’t know what that means, I would cut your testicles off.”

That shut him right up. For all of five minutes, at least. “What if I said please?”

“Then I would say no. Don’t you have anything better to do than bother me?”

“Such as?”

“Playing cards with the other guards. Reading. Guarding. Lighting babies on fire. I’m sure you can think of something.”

He was about to answer when we heard a sound of someone tinkering with the door lock. I reached across to my crossbow and loaded it, standing up and facing the door. I pulled my axe from where I had it rested and leaned it against the desk, ready to be pulled up after I shot the bolt. I pointed Smiles to stand next to the door, ready to attack anyone that managed to get past my bolt.

We stood like that for a minute before we heard an exasperated noise, followed by a loud slam against the door. “That sounded like hooves,” my guard said.

“It was hooves,” I confirmed. “I pissed Shiny and Cadance off something fierce. But I have a key that can lock a door closed until the original key or my key is used on it. That door is staying shut unless they track down the key master or I decide to open it. Honestly, I’m surprised they waited this long.”

There was a gentle knock on the door. I thought for a moment. I can’t keep this up forever. I tossed Smiles my key. “Open it.” I had my ring on and my crossbow primed, so I was safe anyway. Him? Not so much.

He complied, pulling the door open. “What is your business?” he asked.

“Move aside, guard,” I heard Shining Armor command. “We’re here for Navarone.”

“Let them in, Smiles,” I said. “No reason to keep my guests in the hall.”

He stood aside, allowing entrance for Shiny, three guards, and Cadance.

“Guards? If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were here to arrest me.”

“You have proven yourself unreliable, Navarone. I can’t arrest you—nor do you deserve it—but I am not certain it would be smart to leave you alone with my wife.”

“Yes, mares seem to quite enjoy me. I understand your fears, but you needn’t worry; I don’t chase taken women.”

“How does Princess Celestia stand you?” he groaned.

“Because I’m quite nice to those that don’t annoy me. Or maybe I’m just an acquired taste, in a way. I’ve asked myself the same thing, honestly. If we weren’t friends, I think there’s a good chance I would have ended up jailed. Now, what did you want?”

“If you put your weapons away, we can send the guards away and get to the crux.”

I set my crossbow on my desk and sat. “By all means, send your men away. I have no desire to hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it. At least, not physically. You really should listen to your wife more.” Cadance smiled a bit at that.

Shining Armor nodded to his guards. They left the room. “You too, night guard,” he said when he noticed my guard stayed.

“Don’t move, Smiles. He’s mine, not yours, and he stays.”

“You don’t trust us?” Cadance asked.

“No farther than I can throw you, and I can’t pick an adult pony up. I’d prefer an assurance, and he was ordered by Luna to guard me.”

“Fine,” Shiny said. “He can stay. It isn’t worth debating. Did you know the king was going to react like that?”

“In hindsight, I can say that I suspected he would. The griffins have always been more down-to-earth. Beforehand, though? I thought I was about to get murdered. That was a complete cluster fuck on my part that only got resolved positively through sheer luck. But then, that’s pretty much how all of my everything gets resolved, so no complaints.”

“All of your… everything?”

“Yes, that’s what I said. Is that all you wanted?”

It wasn’t, of course. “So you’re saying you insulted the king offhand, with no regard to the consequences?”

“Yes, that is exactly what I said.” Cadance, Shining Armor, and even Sunshine Smiles face-hoofed at that. “At least I didn’t punch him in the face! Just be thankful he didn’t ask what a pecker was…”

“And what, Navarone, is a pecker?” Cadance wearily asked.

“It’s another word for penis.” Shining Armor and Cadance both blushed. Smiles looked slightly interested. “It’s also a euphemism for beak. So pecker face would have a dual meaning, in that he has a beak on his face and that he has a penis on his face. Like I said, it’s a good thing he didn’t ask.”

“Are all human insults this… colorful?” Shiny asked.

“No. We have a few imaginative ones. And making your own isn’t that hard. Like… Thundercunt McAssFace.” The guard choked, laughing so hard.

“I don’t know what some of those words mean,” Cadance slowly said. “And I don’t want to. We’re getting off track, Shiny…”

“Yes, we are. What you did today was highly irresponsible, Navarone. Disregarding the fact that it worked better than anything we had planned, it is still inexcusable. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Nothing. You’re right. I screwed the pooch on this one.” I shrugged. “I already knew that. I won’t say that it won’t happen again, because I know me. There’s a very real chance it will happen again.”

“You just don’t learn from your mistakes, do you?”

“Oh, I do. I just don’t learn the correct lessons. You see, my ‘mistake’ here built an instant rapport with the king. I impressed him more with a single statement than I would have my entire time if I hadn’t said it. The lesson I come up with is that trusting my instincts is usually a good idea, even if they seem fucktarded at the time.”

“That’s going to get you killed one day, Nav,” Shiny said.

I shrugged. “I’m not going to live forever anyway.”

“It’ll break Luna’s heart,” Cadance said.

“…Yeah. It would, wouldn’t it?” I sighed. “I was avoiding it for so long… It’s a lot easier to do stupid things when you’re the only one that has to suffer. But with Taya and Luna… It’s a shame I can’t change. C’est la vie.” I grinned at their expressions. “I had you two going, didn’t I? Hah! Yeah, I know it’ll fuck them both up if I die, but they’d get over it. You can call me selfish and it wouldn’t be a lie. You can call it senseless, but then, what fun is there in making sense? What you—and everyone else—seem to forget is that I’m not a pony. I’m not the same as you. Similar, yes. But never the same. You guys need anything else?” I’m such a dick. And what Cadance said was right. I really didn’t want to hurt either Luna or Taya. I never wanted to at all. I would probably work on being more cautious, but I wasn’t about to tell them that.

They shared a pained glance. “Just one more thing, since you’re going to be like this,” Shiny said. “Be careful with the king, Navarone. I know he is allowing you—for some reason—to speak freely, but know that some things don’t need to be discussed. And besides, I’ve heard some dark rumors…”

“I’m not an idiot,” I answered. “I may be a lot of things, but that’s not one of them.”

“I hope not. Good night.” With that, they both left. Smiles closed the door behind them.

I sat, unloading and decocking my crossbow. I set it against my desk as I began to write. “Uh, sir?”

“Stop calling me sir. And yes?”

“Did you mean all that?”

“Yes.”

“That’s cold… sir.”

“You are sleeping in my room on sufferance. Don’t make me kick your ass to the hall.” He sighed. “Now go find some more blankets or something. From the feel of things, there is no central heating in this building. You are going to get cold tonight, with that meager pallet.”

He exited the room. I went back to writing. Not five minutes later, he came back empty-hooved. “We aren’t allowed to leave the embassy wing tonight, for some reason,” he told me. “I was told to return to my room by one of the guards. No pony else had any blankets to spare.”

“Well, have fun with that.” I didn’t look up. I knew what he was going to say next.

“Just for tonight? Please?”

“If you stop calling me sir, fine. But if I catch you calling me that again after tonight, I’m going to come up with a really embarrassing pet name for you and I’ll make sure it gets put on the official roster back home.”

“That’s cruel and unusual!”

“I’m a cruel and unusual person. Do we have a deal?”

He sighed again. “Fine.”

“That also goes for calling me anything other than Navarone or Nav.” He grumbled at that, but I wasn’t listening. I was trying to remember how a certain chapter went and it was giving me all manner of trouble. After way too long of staring at it, I looked up. “So what do guards think about when they’re just standing there, guarding something?”

“The same things you think about when you zone out.”

“I doubt it. When I zone out, my mind is gone. I stop thinking entirely and turn to my senses.”

“Oh. Then we think about our life. What we’ll do when we get off duty. What we’ll do when we retire. What we’ve done in the past.” He shrugged. “We just think.”

“That sucks. I’m glad I’m not a guard. So how did you get signed on with Luna?”

“Celestia offered some of her guards a choice. We could swap our colors or we could stay under her fold. She had profiles on all of those she asked, knowing beforehoof that we would all say yes. We all did it for a number of reasons. Some didn’t like the day hours. Some were already working night hours anyway and decided not to change. Some liked the idea of a small pay increase. Some wanted to do it for the looks. Some wanted to meet the night princess, to see what kind of pony Celestia would willingly forgive for doing such a heinous act. Some just wanted a change in their life. Me? I just loved the irony.”

“Her profiles must be rather in depth if she knew you would agree to it because of irony.”

“She knows almost everything about everypony under her command. I wager she knows quite a bit more about you than she lets on, too.”

“Oh I’m sure she does. But I know she doesn’t know everything.”

He gave me an unsettling smile. “You’d be surprised.”

“No, I wouldn’t. If she knew everything, I would be in prison—if I was lucky. It’s more likely that she would kill me.” I tell her a lot, I’ll admit. But she doesn’t know everything.

“If you say so. When do you usually go to bed? I’m really tired.”

“Is it even dark out?” He shrugged. “I hate not having windows. But I suppose it’s a good thing, here. I’m stuck on this chapter anyway.” I stood, popping my back; being forced to lean over because of my wings is a pain. I grabbed my toothbrush and went to the bathroom. At least they have running water. Somehow.

I finished up and went back into the room to find Smiles reading my notes. There was nothing sensitive there, so I didn’t really care. He looked up as I sat on the bed. “You’re the writer of the books from another world?” I bet you can count on one hoof the number of people here from another world, dumbass.

“So that’s what they’re calling them now? Yeah, that’s me. Well, not the writer, just the translator. That’s how I’ve pushed so many out so quickly. It’s a shame I don’t have the originals; I have to make do with what I can remember, and that isn’t always everything. Still, it’s better than the crap books you had before I got here.”

“I went with Princess Luna to a showing of Hamlet. She cried her eyes out at the end. A lot of ponies did.”

“That’s the point. We got so inured to such tragedies in our daily life that we have to make such things theatrical to drive the pain home. It’s a shame Celestia forbade me from bringing more tragedies over, but I think the few I brought were more than enough to encourage other play-writes to bring some up.”

“Why not write happy stories, to help you forget?”

“Because life isn’t always happy. The book you’re poking through right now is called Braveheart. If his wife hadn’t died, the man would have no reason to do what he did. Sure, the English were unjust, but it wasn’t personal until then. In the end, the man dies. He dies horribly, having failed. The only victory he has is that he gets the queen of England pregnant. But that book will probably never get printed, because Celestia will want to read through it first.”

He looked down at the notes before shuffling them together. “I guess I have no reason to read it, now.”

“It isn’t about the end, Smiles, nor is it about the beginning. The only thing that matters is how you get there.”

“If you say so. Are you ready for bed?”

I looked over at the door. “Did you lock that?” He nodded. “Then yes.”

“I uh… I have two things to say first, though. I’m a pretty deep sleeper. And uh… I’m kinda hoovesy.”

“That’s a bad combination. You stay on your side of the bed and I stay on mine.”

“Um. Have you… have you looked at the bed?”

I looked at the bed. “Son of a bitch.” It was a double. I sighed. “It’s just one night.”

At least I’m wearing clothes. I lied down as far to one side as I could without being in danger of falling off and pulled the blanket over me. Smiles wasted no time getting in either.

“Um.”

“I can’t control them, Smiles. They don’t tuck in well against my body. Just ignore them.” Fucking wings. “Besides, I thought you wanted to play with them earlier.” He hmm’d. “Don’t play with my wings.” He sighed.

Before too long, I heard his breathing slow down. Not too long after that, I felt the bed shift. I felt a hoof slowly trail down my wing. This isn’t going to end well. I jerked the wing up, out of his reach. He murmured something and shifted again.

Everything was going okay until I managed to fall asleep. I wasn’t out for five minutes before I felt myself rather rudely jerked backwards, even though I fell asleep on my stomach. I was apparently now on my side, and being spooned by a large bat-pony. At least he doesn’t have a boner. Ponies don’t get morning wood, right?

…Right?

OH GOD PONIES GET MORNING WOOD!

I tried pushing myself out of bed to find that I was completely trapped. His forelegs had my upper body trapped and his… oh God… had my lower body trapped. There’s no way it should be that big! What is this guy, a hor—Oh yeah.

I jabbed my elbow backwards into his ribs. He grunted and shifted, grinding against me. I looked down but couldn’t see much because of the lack of light. How did he get that between my legs? What the fuck is wrong with this world?

“WAKE UP, SMILES!” I punctuated that with a backwards head butt into what I was hoping his snout.

“Hmm, feisty today, Flare Runner,” he sleepily sighed. I felt a hoof start to descend from its iron lock around my chest. “I know what’ll make you go back to sleep.”

It’s times like these that I’m glad I sleep with a belt. “I’m not your boyfriend, Smiles,” I said in a voice that was bordering on panic.

“What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him,” he whispered.

“Alright, fuck this.” I clenched my legs together, tightening around his… ugh. I jerked them sideways, bending it unnaturally.

The forelegs around me squeezed tight and Smiles jolted awake with a cry of pain. I found myself flying across the room, colliding face first with the wall. I was out like a light.

I woke up to being shaken by a terrified Sunshine Smiles. “Oh Luna, please wake up, please wake up, assaulting an officer is bad enough, but killing one? Oh Luna…”

I groaned, feeling my face explode in pain. I pushed myself to a sitting position as Smiles let off a small cheer. I felt blood dripping down from my nose and saw a small puddle of it on the floor where I had been laying. “Get me some tissues,” I groaned.

He ran to the bathroom and came back with a towel. “I’m so sorry, sir! Please don’t castrate me!”

I took the towel. “You just earned yourself a ridiculous pet name. I’ll figure something out.”

I had time to see a massive smile on his face before being hugged. I noticed he was still having morning problems.

“Get away from me, dammit! That hurts!” He immediately pulled away, blushing. “Go take care of your… ugh, morning problem. Stop waving it in my face.” He grinned sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, Nav. I told you I was hoovsy…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. You’re sleeping on the fucking floor from now on.” I staggered to my feet, pressing the towel to my nose. “This better not be broken. Clean up the blood, I need a shower.”

“Are you sure you should…” At my look he shut up. I shakily walked to the bathroom, still holding the towel to my nose.

“God, my head hurts… Do any of the guards know healing spells?” We had three unicorn guards with us, thankfully. Two day and one night.

“All guards get rudimentary healing training. They should be strong enough to heal it if it isn’t broken…”

“If it’s still fucked up when I get out, we’ll find out.” I closed the door and checked the mirror. Oh yeah, that’s bad. My shirt was covered in blood and the towel was starting to drip.

Before I could get into the shower, there was a frenzied knocking at the door. I sighed and opened it. Smiles was there with the night unicorn.

“Sweet Luna, what did you do to him, Smiles?” the unicorn asked upon seeing me.

“I fell down some stairs,” I said. “Can you fix this?”

“I can certainly try, sir.” His dark horn flashed a bit as he stepped into the bathroom. He leaned down to me and I felt some healing magic pour in. After a moment he stepped away. “Better, sir?”

“Yeah. The pain’s gone. I guess it isn’t broken after all.”

The night unicorn stepped out of the bathroom and looked around. He saw the puddle that my guard had yet to clean. “Stairs, sir? That doesn’t look like stairs to me.”

“Maybe you should get your eyes checked, then. Or maybe my memory’s a bit fuzzy. You get my meaning?”

He looked up at me and gave a small nod. “Yes sir, I think I do.” He smiled. “It’s good to have a commander that looks after us.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now go to bed, I’m sure Shiny kept you up all night guarding Miss Prissy.”

He let a laugh out before he could stop himself. “It’s Missus Prissy now, sir.” I waved him away. He left as I was closing the door to the bathroom again.

I took a quick shower to get all the blood off. Quick, because apparently the griffins haven’t figured out how to heat water up. Or maybe I just had a fucktard moment and couldn’t figure out how to turn it up. Either way, it was colder than a dad’s stare when you bring his daughter back late. I got out, shivering. Thankfully, the towels were massive, allowing to me cover my entire body.

It was at that point that I noticed I didn’t bring any spare clothes in. I dried off as best I could and wrapped the towel around me. I left the bathroom. “If that shower makes hot water, you need to show me how,” I told Smiles as I dug through my bag. I stood to find him staring at me. “What?”

“I’ve just… always wondered what you looked like without your clothes. All of us have.”

“Well, you’ve already fucking molested me on accident…” I dropped the towel. “Nothing impressive, as I’m sure you can tell.”

He looked me up and down. “Damn. Frolic owes me five bits.” He shook his head as I started to get dressed. “The showers here are odd, from what I was told. The regular showers don’t get hot water, but ours do for a short period each day—or whenever a unicorn feels like taking a shower.”

“So, do you know anything about a schedule today?”

“No pony tells me anything.”

“I know that feeling… If you’re hungry, feel free to go eat. I’ll be fine here. If anyone needs me they know where I’m at.”

“Do you know where the mess hall is?”

“There’s a mess hall? I don’t know, ask one of the other guards. I’m sure they know where to get some food.”

“I suppose I can do that now… See you when I get back, then.”

It felt good to be alone again. Especially after the traumatizing events of the morning. Seriously, never again. I sat at the table and started writing again.

Smiles came back soon enough. I asked, “Have you ever guarded an ambassador before?”

“Yes, I have. I’ve guarded Princess Celestia and Prince Blueblood as they went to various nations. I was even with the princess when she came here, once.”

“Anything fun to do in town?”

“Most griffins don’t care for ponies. It’s nothing personal, they just view us as mostly weak. I had to hoof-wrestle a maniac to get let into their bars.”

“And you won?”

He scoffed. “Tartarus no. I just put up enough of a fight that they let me in anyway. I don’t remember most of that night, either… Too much of a local drink, I guess. Mead, I think it’s called. Don’t know what’s in it. Kinda like that stuff you gave us at Shiny’s party.”

“Hm. Is there any kind of directory here? Any way to contact old friends?” Hell, if Gilda is in town, she could get me anywhere I want to go, I bet. She seemed like a party girl.

“Not that I know of. You might be able to find out from someone in the castle, though. You’d have to ask a servant or something.”

“I might just do that. You wouldn’t happen to know a Gilda, would you?”

“That’s a relatively common name here. I know the king has a daughter named Gilda. There are several noble families that do as well. How do you know her?”

“She has a friend in Ponyville and she came by to visit one time. She was pretty cool. I wouldn’t mind seeing her again, if she’s in town. I’m sure she knows all the fun things to do here.”

“For her to be rich enough to visit Equestria, she’d have to be pretty highly ranked. But for her to be there alone, she wouldn’t be the king’s daughter.” He shrugged. “She shouldn’t be hard to find, assuming she’s here. She might well be a native Equestrian griffin. There aren’t many, but it’s possible.”

“Eh, it’s not all important. I just don’t want to be sitting here for three fucking weeks. Especially not with Cadance and Shiny pissed at me.”

“Well, if you weren’t acting like you are…”

“Yeah, yeah. I wasn’t planning on spending too much time in this place anyway. Having them pissed is just a nice bonus. If they don’t need me, you want to explore the town?”

“Not much is going to be happening at this hour, but it shouldn’t be that hard to find places that’ll be full come night fall.”

“Oh. Oh no. I don’t need to be at any places come night fall. At least, not without a princess watching my back. The last time I went into a club without Luna, I got slipped a Mickey. I woke up in a pile of ponies with a very sticky and sore body.”

“Huh. Did you report that to the guard?”

“Nah. No harm done. I can’t get ponies preggers and I can’t get pony diseases.”

“Well, if you’re really worried, I’m guarding you for a reason. I won’t let anypony hurt you.”

I was somewhat worried about how he was planning on ‘guarding’ me. Especially given he would be guarding against griffins. He’d probably kiss me or something and say that I was his.

…Okay, that’s mean. I know what he did that morning was an accident. “I’ll think about it. My biology might not allow it anyway. I assume they accept bits here?”

“They do. It didn’t take them long to be converted to the Equestrian bit. It’s a lot more stable than what they had before.”

“Good, then I’m rich here, too. Here’s hoping they don’t need me for much this week.” I went back to writing.

Of course, my life never gets to be that quiet. Not long after, there came a knocking at my door. Maybe they have the wrong door? Smiles opened it. “What is your business?”

“The king summons Sir Navarone. He will come with me.”

I stood and slipped the axe belt around my back. “Don’t worry about your armor, Smiles. You’ll be fine without it. Come on.”

“You are to come alone, he said,” the griffon responded.

“He can wait outside wherever we meet. But he will be coming with me. That is the desire of my liege lady, and I shan’t disappoint her.”

“You can discuss that with the king if you desire. You will meet him alone, though. I care not if your pet follows.”

“Then lead the way.” He did just that. I paused just long enough to lock the door behind us.

“There are no thieves in this castle,” the griffin said.

“Okay.” There is no more infuriating answer than that.

“Why did you lock your door?”

“Habit.”

“It is a habit you should break.”

“Comments like that are why I lock my door. That sounded entirely too ominous for my liking.”

“Are you insinuating that I am a thief?” His tone was sharp.

“Not you personally. I’m not even saying you know anything about it. But I wouldn’t be surprised to have that crossbow of mine disappear the first time I leave my door open. Tech like that—even tech as far behind as a crossbow—are marvels to a race with no natural ranged attacks and the inability to use bows. I don’t think it’ll happen just yet, but I believe the king will eventually ask me how to make it and if I don’t tell him the crossbow will disappear.”

“So you are calling my king a thief!”

“No. It wouldn’t be his hand—or talon—that did the taking. Anyway, do you know any griffins named Gilda that spent a lot of time in Equestria lately?”

He was shaking in rage at the moment, actually. I think it was only the fact that I was an ambassador that stopped him from attacking me. He didn’t answer my Gilda inquiry, just stalked through the palace with Smiles and I close behind. Smiles gave me a bit of a disapproving look, but he didn’t say anything. I really should start being more diplomatic. Griffins are too arrogant to let me get away with this forever.

The griffin finally stopped in front of a door. He seemed to calm himself for a moment before saying, “This is where he wanted to meet you. Leave your servant outside.”

“Don’t wander far, Smiles,” I told him. “I can just go in?” The servant nodded. I shrugged and pushed the door open. I stepped inside and surveyed the scene in front of me. The king was at a desk on the far side of the room, his back to me. There was no one else there. The room itself was relatively bare. A few couches, a fireplace, a single bookshelf, the king’s desk, and a window. There were no tapestries and no rugs. It was cold. “There are many that would question the sanity of a ruler that sits with his back to a door in a room with no guards,” I said aloud, closing the door behind me.

“I would question the courage of one that wouldn’t be willing to,” he said without turning.

“There’s a difference between being brave and being stupid, your highness. Your kingdom needs a living king more than they need a brave one.”

He sighed, turning to face me. “Where were you fifty years ago?” He stood and began to pace. “So much could have been prevented if we had a foreign mind helping us think. It wouldn’t even have to be a smart one! We just needed a different perspective! We needed a voice to tell me when I was making a stupid mistake. We needed someone that had no fear of me or my power. I had brown-beakers aplenty, but so few that were willing to tell me what I needed to do… and fewer still that I allowed to live. We avoided war with the ponies a few years ago by a feather’s width. A firebrand noble’s daughter was insulted and snubbed in a small town in Equestria. He used that as a kickoff point for massive political turmoil, all aimed at a war against Equestria. And all because one rich snob got her feathers tweaked.” He guffawed. “She disappeared for nearly a year after that! The only reason the war didn’t kick off from that alone was because when she came back she was completely changed. Apparently she was injured by a freak wind gust and had to spend a long time recovering in a small pony hamlet. They treated her with kindness despite her rash attitude and she slowly grew tolerable, or something silly like that.” He waved a claw. “Either way, I was willing to listen to that idiot. I need a voice of reason in my court.”

“Well, good luck with that. I’m stuck in Equestria.”

“I know you are. But surely you aren’t the only human. There are more where you come from, yes?”

“Yeah, seven billion more.” He jerked to a stop, staring at me. “But I wouldn’t bring a single one here for any reason. My life was ruined when I got dragged here. My family, gone. Friends, gone. I lost contact with my entire race and was thrust into a world that I have no chance of fully integrating with. I’m stuck here and I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone else.”

“I see.” He continued pacing. “The point remains that I need a voice of reason, one that doesn’t fear me. One willing to tell me what I’m doing wrong and to tell me when I’m being stupid.”

“Hire a mercenary from Egypt. The cat people there are as sly as I am, though perhaps not as militarily minded. I don’t think the naga would like living up here in this cold, but if you could get one of them, that would be great. Most of the dogs aren’t that bright, but if you could get one of the smarter ones, that would be good. I don’t suggest a pony; most of them would be intimidated, and very few are good with tactics at all. Or you could try to find a dragon. Princess Luna has one as a good friend, so I know it’s possible.”

“A dragon would be… useful. I will have to look into that. Naga don’t like the cold, as you said. The dogs are our friends… I will ask if they can lend me an advisor. And I have always wanted to meet one of the cats. I might look into that as well. But I did not bring you here for this. Sit, sit. Let us talk.”

“Before we begin, can I bring my guard in here? I would hate to have him chilling in the hall for however long we’re in here.”

“You don’t need to be worried about this old bird, Navarone. I won’t attack you.”

“I know, but if I’m sitting on a comfortable couch, it only seems fair that he gets to as well. I don’t think we’ll be talking about state secrets.”

He shrugged. “Fair enough. If either of you tries anything, you won’t make it out of this country alive.”

“Nah, if I wanted to kill you I would have done it last night by poisoning you. Your mug was wide open the entire time.” He blinked but didn’t say anything as I went to call Smiles in. He entered and bowed slightly to the king. “Have a seat anywhere. We were just about to get started and I didn’t want to leave you in the hall.”

“I have never seen a pony like this one before,” the king said, looking at my guard. “Where do you come from?”

“Equestria, sir. I am one of Princess Luna’s guards. She uses magic to modify our appearances to fit in better with the night. Sir Navarone had similar modifications, but had them removed.”

“I see. Sit, both of you, and let’s talk.”

And that’s just what we did. He was interested in all sorts of things. He kept us talking until lunch and we continued the conversation on the way there and while he and Smiles were eating. He finally shut up after we finished.

When he finally told us we were free to go, I said, “When we first started talking, you mentioned a griffin that had been in Equestria. I met her there, and was wondering if she’s in town. Do you know?”

“I don’t, but I’ll have someone find out for you. If she is and wants to see you, she’ll stop by. If not…” He shrugged. “A phrase you used, c’est la vie.”

“Yep. See you later, Bloodbeak.” It was hard to think of him as a rapist when he was so nice to me. For the king of the griffins—the second most arrogant race I’ve found here—he was pretty cool.

Of course, Shining Armor wanted to know where I was all day. He didn’t seem that upset when I told him, thankfully. Though honestly I don’t think I would have cared if he was.

Thankfully, I was left to my own devices for the next several days. I apparently pissed Shiny off enough to remove me from the guard roster, so I didn’t have to take a turn ‘guarding’ Cadance when she went to see the king or another dignitary or anything like that. For a week, I just lounged around. I passed the time by writing, playing card games with the guards, teaching griffins how to play card games, and occasionally exploring the castle. The king also summoned me a few times for more chats. It was nice.

By the first week, though, I was tired of lounging about in the castle. I still saw and heard no sign of Gilda, so I assumed she was either out of town or didn’t want to hang out. This place wasn’t like Egypt; I didn’t have to worry about a pickpocket or worse coming after me. I also had no chance of blending in with the crowd, so I suppose there would be less of a chance of it anyway.

So Smiles and I spent a week exploring the town. We both got plenty of stares and even more questions—griffins were bold and upfront, after all. I stayed away from the booze and the parties, though I don’t think a griffin would want to take advantage of me like that. I was also able to find the recipe for mead; it was pretty simple, once I offered up the recipe for applejack. A little variety in life is never bad, after all. A whole week was spent exploring the town, away from the castle as much as possible. Shining Armor and Cadance didn’t much like it, but then, I don’t think I could have won their approval at that point no matter what I did.

Honestly, nothing important happened those two weeks. It felt great to have a bit of time to myself on official business when I didn’t have to actually do anything. I finally felt that the ponies could handle their own damn problems for once.

Nothing good ever lasts.

It was the start of the third week there in Gryphus. Sunshine Smiles actually found someone willing to make his night—calling me on that promise I made at the start. I wasn’t expecting him to, honestly, but I guess that’s what happens when someone gets too emotionally attached to those he is supposed to lead.

Anyway, I was sitting in the hall well away from my room—I sure didn’t want to hear that shit—when I saw a griffin peeking its head down the hall. It was pretty late at night and by all rights I should have been asleep, so I was definitely nodding off. All I had on me was my axe—as I took it with me everywhere—my throwing knives, and my crossbow with a single bolt—I left the rest in my room and didn’t bother unloading it.

Now, griffins wandering the halls weren’t uncommon. After all, we were in their castle in their capital. They owned the joint, so they were free to walk its halls. Because of this, Shining Armor stopped putting up guards after the first week; it grew tiresome for every single griffin that passed through to be checked. I personally didn’t think that was a wise move, but Shiny was in charge, not me. Besides, the griffins seemed pretty chill; why would they try to deep six any of us?

This griffin didn’t get the memo. She noticed me nodding off, leaning haphazardly against the wall and looking quite like a puppet with its strings cut off, and did her best to quietly sidle up the hall. I noticed her and was watching her the entire way, but I didn’t move; I didn’t see any reason to and I figured she would be moving on.

She didn’t. She also didn’t seem to realize that I could see her perfectly. I mean, it was dark in the halls and a normal pony or person wouldn’t have been able to see her at all. She was making no noise, either. She got right up next to me and whispered something I couldn’t hear. She slowly reached over to me and pulled a knife off my belt, whisking it out soundlessly. I didn’t react, just waited to see what she would do.

She backed away from me and opened the door to Cadance’s room. She entered without a sound, leaving the door open. I stood, thanking myself that I left everything that might have made noise in my room before Smiles took it over.

I was hoping to be proven wrong, but I wouldn’t have put a bet on it no matter the odds.

I wasn’t. The assassin was inching her way toward the bed, my knife clutched in one of her talons. I reached inside my left sleeve and withdrew a knife of my own. I wasted no time catching up to her; I didn’t need to worry about being as noisy, after all.

She still didn’t notice me, being completely absorbed on not making a single noise to wake the sleeping duo. I spared not a glance for them, my eyes only for the foolish little assassin before me.

I was at her side before she was halfway to the bed. In a normal, conversational tone, I said, “Drop the knife or it’ll be your blood that paints the room this night.”

I was pleasantly surprised to find that she did drop the knife rather quickly. I was less pleasantly surprised when she followed up by slashing me with her razor-sharp talons, opening a jagged tear along my ribs.

“Mistake,” I hissed, kicking at her. She easily dodged, rushing toward the bed that contained a very rudely awoken magical couple. She was jumping at Cadance, talons outstretched, when my hand snatched her tail and yanked her back. I don’t remember drawing my ax, but it was in my off hand. I barely managed to catch her talon on it as she struck at me again. She recovered before I could and swiped at me again, scoring a cut on my ax arm that completely disabled it. I dropped the ax, crying out. Shiny and Cadance were well and truly awake by now, and light flooded the room. The assassin, to her credit, did not flinch at the sudden light. I didn’t either, my mind too far gone in shock.

She jerked away from me and back to Cadance, who had time to look on in horror as the griffin jumped at her again, once more to be caught by my good arm as I ripped her back so hard she actually collided into me. “I’m not finished with you, bitch!” I let her tail go and punched her in her very surprised face, cracking her beak.

She reared back, dazed from the blow. I had enough time to grab my axe, sticky with amber blood, before she recovered. “You made the mistake of taking out my wrong arm, you crazy cunt,” I wheezed as we circled each other, watching for weaknesses. It was rather obvious where mine was.

She wasted little time in going for it, too; she feinted right, towards the hand with the axe, but clawed at my left side, further tearing open the wound on my ribs. The axe fell again and she turned back to Cadance, who was now doing her best to get over the panic to actually cast a spell.

Shining Armor jumped in front of her, standing between Cadance and the assassin. The assassin grinned, finding a new opponent. She pounced…

Just in time to catch a crossbow bolt in the back of her skull.

I dropped the crossbow from my right hand—the side of my body that had taken no punishment, miraculously. “Fuck. Assassins,” I managed before I collapsed. Thanks to the curse that Luna and Celestia gave me I wasn’t in an incredible amount of pain, but all the rips still stung and I had lost a lot of amber blood.

It’s funny. The first thing that came to my mind was the song “Amber” from back home. My real home, not Ponyville.

It didn’t stay funny for long. I picked myself off the bed I was laid upon and reached across to the basin of water left there. I could tell I had a bit of stubble and my face felt pretty nasty, so I knew I had been out at least all night, probably longer. I washed my face with the water there and stood, stretching. I could work my arm again, which was nice. I hadn’t been changed out of my clothes, so there were massive tears and a dark stain on it. It was a black shirt, though, so the stain was hardly noticeable.

I saw my axe leaning against a nightstand. I grabbed it and slid it into the loop on my back.

Then I thought for a moment and removed it. I pulled open the bag of my armor and started putting that on first. I was putting on my gauntlets when the door slammed open. A gauntlet promptly slammed into Shining Armor’s face. “That’ll teach you to knock,” I muttered as I buckled the axe belt over the armor.

“Good to see you’re awake,” he said when he recovered enough. “Though it’s a bit less good that you’re throwing things left and right.”

“Not left and right. Only at you. Pass me that gauntlet, would you?” He tossed it to me with magic. I slipped it on. I went over to the writing desk and grabbed my crossbow and loaded it, drawing the string back tight. I aimed down the sights to make sure it was still okay. “So when are we going to go confront the king?”

“We did, as soon as Cadance calmed down enough. You gave her quite the scare.”

“I’m sure. What happened? And where is my guard?”

“The king is not at fault. We can’t know who exactly is, since… well, the assassin is most definitely dead. You made sure of that.” I patted my crossbow with a grim smile. “It isn’t something to be happy about, Navarone. The king let us read him so we know he isn’t at fault. But we don’t know who—and probably never will, now—was.”

“Someone who would benefit from a dead king at the hands of the Equestrian Captain of the Guards. So basically, someone that would benefit from a war between Equestria and the griffons.”

His mouth tightened when I mentioned how he would have killed the king, but he didn’t dispute it. If Cadance had been assassinated in the night, Shining Armor would have went mad and lashed out at the first target to seem responsible: The king.

“Although,” I continued, “the assassin took one of my knives in the hall. It is very possible she was trying to set me up as the fall guy. Although that would have been retarded as fuck, since you couldn’t exactly harm me and since I would allow any unicorn to read my mind to prove my innocence.” We were silent for a moment. I shrugged. “I guess we can’t know now. How’s the baby?”

“Just fine.” He seemed to slump a bit. “I don’t think she could have… Thank you, Navarone. We’ve had our differences, but… thank you.”

“So what do we do now? I assume we aren’t going to be spending much more time in Gryphus.”

He shook his head. “No, we’re going to be spending the same amount of time here. We can’t let the one who hired the assassin think we can be scared off that easily.” He gave me a dark grin. “Besides, I don’t think security will be a problem anymore. I have my shield up. No pony with any intentions to hurt somepony can get through.”

“Why didn’t we just do that in the first place? Save us all some time.”

“The shield takes a lot of energy to maintain and it shows distrust between us and the griffins. Since they haven’t exactly earned our trust this trip…” He shrugged.

“So how are we going to go about finding who called the hit on your wife?”

“We can’t. It would be impossible for us to get anywhere. We’re not in Egypt, Nav. You can’t just barhop for information.”

“That’s not how I got my info. I tortured the assassin until I learned what I needed, and then Celestia ordered him given to the king. So what is to be done now?”

“For us? Nothing. Just back to my normal schedule of guarding and your normal schedule of… whatever you’ve been doing these past weeks.”

I blinked. “You don’t need me to sniff around for info? Or try to find blackmail material for the king? Or kill someone that might or might not deserve it?”

“Uh… no?”

“Huh. That’s odd. Usually I have to do some kind of shit to fix the situation when something goes wrong.”

“Nav, you aren’t all important. You’ve been in some weird places, yeah, but there are others that can do a job like that just as well if not better than you. It’s being taken care of. Enjoy some time off.”

“Awesome. So uh… Where’s my guard, again?”

“Right outside. He hasn’t left your door since you got hurt. Though given that you only got hurt a few hours ago…” He shrugged again. “Just don’t go too far. Cadance wanted to speak to you when you woke up, but she’s off to see the king right now.”

“Did she say what she wanted?”

“No, but I think we can both make a good guess. She probably would have been dead if not for you.”

Maybe I should have given the assassin a few minutes. “I see. Send Smiles in on your way out.”

“He’s pretty distraught that he let you down, Nav.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

He nodded. “See you later, then.” With that, he walked out.

And in walked Sunshine Smiles. He wasn’t smiling now, that’s for sure. He shuffled in, staring at the floor. I crossed my arms, watching him. After a moment, I said, “Cadance would be dead if I had not been in the hall. If you hadn’t been having sex in my room, I would not have been in the hall. Don’t be ashamed.”

“You got hurt,” he sullenly replied.

“And I got better. I can heal ridiculously fast now. Most of what she did to me was more painful than damaging; she didn’t want to kill me, she wanted to disable me. I don’t blame you at all for what happened. As far as I see it, Luna doesn’t have to know this happened.”

He looked up. “She already does.”

“Welp, you’re boned. Not in the good way, either.” He gulped. “Relax, man, I’m kidding. I’ll talk to her. I’m sure she won’t freak out on you or anything.” I paused for a moment and he started to relax. “Probably.” I shrugged. “You know how women are.”

“What’s a woman?”

I fucking hate this place. “Mares. You know how mares are.”

“If you say so, Nav…” Oh yeah, I finally broke his habit of calling me sir.

I just shook my head and began to remove the armor. If Shiny gave us a shield, I wouldn’t exactly be needing it. I sighed as I returned to the desk to continue writing. I didn’t get far.

“Nav, I’ve… been meaning to ask you something.” I set the quill down and looked up. Smiles was looking at me kinda funny. “From everything I’ve heard, when you fight, you… well, you do your best to make sure the enemy goes down and stays down. But when you stop… how do you return to normal so easily?”

“I am not a pony, Sunny. My mind does not work the same way as a pony’s. We are built for fighting and for killing, in our mentality. We can tune out everything and focus on one single goal if we have to. That goal can be anything. When I get into fights, my goal is to make sure the enemy will no longer be a danger to me—ever. When the enemy is no longer a threat to me, my mind no longer needs to focus on that and I can go back to whatever I was doing. What I do might come back to me later, but at the same time, it might not. I don’t think killing this assassin will haunt my mind, since she deserved it.” I shrugged. “I fear it might just be a human thing.” Or perhaps a predator thing.

“I… see. It’s not something you can teach?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, it might be teachable, but I don’t know how. I wasn’t a soldier back in my world, I don’t know what kind of training they went through.”

“What were you?”

“A student. A nerd, in some ways. It’s interesting to see the changes, I suppose.” It was, actually. I used to be somewhat shy. Sure, I was no stranger to killing; I was a hunter, after all. But I had never taken a sapient life… Now, I just killed someone without batting an eye in the slightest. Maybe it’s not so much a human thing as it is an experience thing. Or maybe I’m just a sociopath.

Not like there’s a psychologist here that would tell me different.

“From everything I’ve heard, you’ve definitely been through a lot.”

“Yeah, I have.” I went back to writing, knowing he would want some elucidation. He was disciplined enough to not ask. Or he didn’t care. Either way.

The next interruption was a knock at the door. I turned to face that way as my guard answered it. Enter Cadance. She looked a bit happy to see me.

I sighed. “Must we continue this dance of love and hate, Cadance? Why won’t you just give in and let me wallow in my darkness?”

Her smile grew wider. “I wasn’t going to hug you, but just because of that, I will.” I wasn’t wearing my ring. I dove to where I left it, but I didn’t get halfway there before her magic gripped me. I gave off a longsuffering sigh as she dragged me over and wrapped her forelegs around me. After a moment, she levitated me back to my chair. “Now don’t you feel better?”

“I hate you so much right now it hurts,” I answered.

“I bet another hug would make you feel better!”

“I think your husband might get jealous.”

“Don’t be silly, Nav. We all know neither of us would ever consider that.” I shuddered at the very thought.

“Well, you’ve physically and emotionally tortured me. Is that all you needed?”

“Nope! I also wanted to thank you.”

“Well, now you have.”

She turned to Smiles. “Is he always this cranky after waking up from his wounds?” He shrugged. She turned back to me and did her best to put a serious face on. “Thank you, Navarone. I probably would have—” She held a foreleg up to her belly. “—we would have died, if not for you.”

“I was just doing my job, Cadance.”

“No, your job was to impress the king. You were doing something else, out in the hall. Why were you out there?”

I pointed to Smiles. “He was getting laid and I didn’t want to see that.” Her jaw dropped. “I promised him when we got here that he could use my bed, as long as he…” I looked at the bed and then back to Smiles. “You did change the sheets, right?” He looked down. “Oh you fucker! I swear to God, whoever you fucked better have a suction up his ass that kept all that gunk in, because if I just slept in that, I’m castrating you!” I paused for a moment, thinking back. With a shudder, I said, “Then again, it’s not like I haven’t done worse…”

Cadance looked like she was going to be sick. It was somewhat amusing, but nothing I had never seen before. The guard looked sickeningly interested.

Before either could say anything, I giggled. “Imagine that, Cadance. You got saved because someone was having sex. Ain’t so horrid now, is it?”

She gulped and put on an uneasy grin. “Yeah,” she managed. She looked around before backing up a step. “I uh… I think I’ll see you later, Nav. Have a good time doing… whatever you’ve been doing.” With that, she was out.

“Too easy,” I sighed while shaking my head. Sunshine took a step backwards to the door. I shot my head his way. “Don’t think you’re getting off easy. Change the sheets. I should make you sleep in them, but you probably wouldn’t have a problem with that. When you’re done with that, clean my armor.” I sat back down as he sighed and began his work. I continued what I was working on.

It’s nice, knowing that the ponies—or perhaps the griffins—can occasionally be competent. Either way, I had another week off that was spent relaxing. It was nice and odd to be letting someone else do all the work for once.

“That was the most uneventful royal business I’ve ever been on,” I was saying to my guard as we boarded the airship home. “Aside from that one spurt of interest, I didn’t have to do shit!”

“You call killing somepony uneventful?” he replied. “I’ve never killed somepony that could talk back before!”

“Yeah, well, I’m not a royal guard. I specialize in killing, not guarding. That might be why.” He shivered slightly. “Don’t worry about it, Smiles. Just think: We’re going home!” I paused. “Well, I’m going home. I guess you’re going back to active duty. If Luna gives you grief about what happened, get word to me and I’ll do my best to bail you out.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that. She’s usually understanding.”

“Yeah, usually. Overly so, it seems, if she still wants anything to do with me.”

“She loves you, Nav. Even if it isn’t announced, anypony that sees you and her together can tell it.”

“Yeah, but I’m not a pony. I can’t tell stuff like that.” Other humans could, of course, but not me. “I don’t know pony body language perfectly yet.”

“Well, there’s this thing mares do called winking and—”

“SHUT UP!” I shuddered at the memories. “Yes, I know about… that.” I don’t even want to talk about it.

“Well, that’s just the most obvious sign. There are plenty of other more subtle ones.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it. I think it’s a foregone conclusion that she likes me. The only hard part now is making it work. I believe we’ll have some time to figure it out, when we finally get together.”

“If you say so. It’ll be fun to watch, at least.”

“Well that’s comforting. At least someone will be having fun in the event of a falling out.”

“Don’t think about it that way. Although… If you happen to pick a fight with her before the next year, I’ll be a very rich guard.”

“You’re already a rich guard! And why are you making bets for this kind of thing? What the hell, man?”

He shrugged. “The life of a guard is very boring. We have to do something to keep ourselves amused.”

“Why not make bets about Cadance instead? I mean, she’s an easy target, right?”

“For you. Most of the guards like her. And most of them definitely like Shining Armor, even if he is sometimes a bit of a—” He looked around, noticing Shiny and Cadance standing pretty close to us on the airship that began to move a few minutes ago. “Well, never mind.”

“I know that feel, bro. The princesses do their best to make my life hard, too. Although they usually do it in ways other than pointless drills and inspections.” Like libido spells or ordering me to kill people or getting me raped by Twilight.

…Wow. I just realized how blasé I got about killing people. That’s a serious problem.

Oh well.

I took my spot back at the front of the airship and watched as we left the griffin capital behind. It was a very nice break, all things considered. I bet if Celestia had been there, I totally would have been doing all kinds of work. I’m glad she wasn’t there.

Thankfully, I was left alone all the way back home. Not a word from anyone. It was… odd. And nice. Maybe Celestia sent me here with the orders that I be left alone by everyone as much as possible. That would have been nice of her, if true.

Either way, I was headed home.

Chapter Forty-Seven—Hunting

Chapter Forty-Seven—Hunting

We got back around midday or so. Airships aren’t an overly common sight in Ponyville, but it was at least natural. Or rather, it was something that belonged in their world. Most of the ponies gave it a few odd glances before going about their day. A few pegasi stopped by to say hi when they realized we were stopping. I was too busy grabbing my bags from the under decks to see who all was there, but when I got back out, I recognized several pegasi from Ponyville. Thankfully, after so long there, I was a common sight as well, and thus elicited no comments from the pegasi.

My bags were tied to a rope and slowly lowered over the side while I flew down to the ground. I tried to get Cadance and Shining Armor down to talk with Twilight, but neither were willing to deviate from the schedule. Even though they could both teleport down, say hi, and teleport back up in the time it took me to get my bags.

Fucking ponies never see sense. Never see what they have until it’s too late…

Though I’m not certain they would see it even then. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a pony have a period of time that’s ‘too late.’

I hummed a sorrowful tune from back home as I untied my bags from the rope. When they were all loose, I tugged the rope sharply three times. It began to ascend.

I had time to grab one of my bags before a furry presence made itself known by rubbing up against my leg. I looked down to see Taya. “Miss me much?” I asked as I picked her up, grunting slightly under her weight. She was just about too heavy.

She didn’t answer with words. I set her down a few moments later and grabbed at one of my bags. Before I could get any of them, they all picked up an orange glow and started floating.

“Well then, shall we?” We began walking back to the library. “Anything happen while I was away?”

“Nothing too important,” she answered. “Or at least, nothing you would consider important.”

“Good enough for me.”

We were halfway back to the library—seriously, I don’t know why they couldn’t just drop me off right there since that’s where they picked me up—when we ran into Pinkie.

She grinned massively when she saw me and opened her mouth wide.

“No thanks, I’m good,” I countered her pre-emptive party offering. “I’ll give you the choice between a hug and a party.”

She seemed to deflate. “Aww, how did you know I was going to throw you a party and then hug you?”

“Because you do that every time. Like I said, your choice. Hug or party.”

“Will you enjoy the party?”

“Probably not.”

“Will you enjoy the hug?”

“Maybe, but I think it’s improbable. It’s more likely that I’ll enjoy that than I’ll enjoy a party.”

“You’re such a spoilsport, Nav! Why don’t you ever enjoy my parties?”

“I’m not really a spoilsport. I never stop others from having fun if I can help it. But your parties just aren’t my style. Too immature for my tastes. I willingly admit that you throw great parties, but they’re great parties that I’ll never enjoy.” I shrugged. “I’m perfectly okay with that.”

“But it’s so sad! You should be able to enjoy what everypony else enjoys!”

“There’s your problem, Pinkie. Every pony.”

“…You’re a pony to me, Nav.”

My foot froze for a moment before I managed to continue walking. That was not something I was ever expecting to hear. “Pinkie, never forget that I’m not a pony. It’s for the best, trust me.”

“No, I don’t think I will. You’ve never hurt me or anypony I know. And I know you never will hurt anypony that doesn’t deserve it. You belong here, Nav. This is your home now, if you’d only realize it.”

I sighed. “In a way, that’s true. But… I’m not getting into this debate. It’s not worth it.”

She stopped. I didn’t. I knew I was supposed to and that she wanted to make a scene, but I wasn’t going to give her that easily. “Nav…”

I stopped and turned to her. “I said I’m not talking about this, Pinkie,” I calmly replied, knowing full well that I was about to be talking about that.

She looked like she was about to cry. “Why don’t you want to belong?”

I sighed. “Taya, take my stuff back. And don’t listen in.” She walked on without a word. I led Pinkie to a conveniently placed bench and sat. “Pinkie, no one gets to know of this conversation. You want to know why I don’t want to let anyone in? Why I don’t make more of an effort to make friends? Why I’m such a dick? Well, there are several reasons. One is that I’m relatively callous and uncaring. Sure, I don’t really want to hurt anyone, but at this point, I’m honestly beyond caring. But you see, it goes deeper than that. I used to hate hurting people—as I’m sure you found when you violated my privacy and read my journals. Think about this, then: What happens if I get close to someone and then I disappear?”

“Disappear how?” she whispered.

“Into thin air.”

“They would… they would be sad. They would look for you. Some wouldn’t stop until they found you.”

“Now guess how my family—my blood—feels. Guess how my mother feels about her son that disappeared one day with no trace. Guess how my father feels that he can never meet the woman I would one day marry.” Well, maybe. “Guess how my sister feels that her twin is gone forever, making her an only child.” I looked away from her and leaned back into the bench. “It wasn’t my fault that it happened, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know they’re hurting. Hurting because of the relationship I had with them. And the few friends I had have to be hurting as well. You can’t tell me that’s fair, Pinkie. I fought as much as I could to avoid forming any strong relationships here. Sure, I had pretty good reasons for it aside from that—like the honest inability to feel much of love and general introversion—but I don’t want to do that to anyone. If I disappeared once… who says it can’t happen again?” We were silent for a moment. “Guess I fucked that up, huh?” I stood. “I’ll see you later, Pinkie.”

As I started to walk away, I heard her quietly say, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“You owe me a hug.”

“Oh thank God, I don’t have to party.” I walked back over to her and hugged her.

Her forelegs shot out and wrapped around me, jerking me against her and forcing me to my knees to match her bench-borne height. That did not feel pleasant at all to my knees. I let her go to find that I was pretty well trapped. “Nope, you’re not going anywhere!” I sighed and did my best to get comfortable. Given how soft she was and how nice she smelled, that wasn’t really a problem.

We were like that for a few minutes. I knew I could outwait Pinkie if I had to. I mean, she was good—scary good—but I didn’t have to eat for a while yet.

An hour later, we were collecting quite a few odd looks. Several people came by to ask what Pinkie was doing, to which she answered “Hugging a friend!”

My answer was always, “Getting hugged.”

Taya showed up at the two hour mark, looking for me. She found me forced against Pinkie, looking incredibly bored. “Daddy, what are you doing?”

“Getting hugged, apparently. Pinkie, I really don’t want to be out here all night. I’ve slept in your arms before, but that doesn’t mean I want to repeat it.”

“Guess what, Nav?” Pinkie whispered. I grunted. “You didn’t go anywhere. You shouldn’t live your life in fear of what might happen. Live in the time you have.”

“Pinkie, I’m not a child. Are we done here?”

She pushed me away. I think she was on the verge of crying. She somehow held me by my arms, looking me in the eyes. “Nav, I care about you. We all do. Why won’t you just let us in?”

“Because letting others in has never ended in anything other than pain for me. And yes, that includes ponies.” I said that way too calmly. Why isn’t this making me angry? “Let me go, Pinkie. Nothing I have is worth it.” Maybe it was the resignation in my voice. Maybe it was the calm voice I said it in. Maybe it was my relatively dead eyes.

But whatever it was, Pinkie punched me in the face. Not an easy punch from a soft hoof—I swear, sometimes hoof density changes—but a hard as fuck blow from a hard as rock hoof.

I flew back and my skull hit the cobblestone road behind me. It hurt. A lot.

For a moment, I couldn’t even move. All I felt was pain. My entire head was fucked up, my knees were still sore, and I had been attacked by yet another friend.

I achingly sat myself up. Pinkie looked horrified. She opened her mouth but I cut her off. “No. Give me a few days to cool off. If you open your mouth to me in that time, I will hurt you. Leave.” She opened her mouth again. “Now.”

There weren’t unshed tears in her eyes this time. She just ran away, sobbing.

When she was gone, I finally let my head sink into my hands. Despite all the pain resistance I had, it still hurt incredibly badly. I think the only reason I stayed conscious at all was because of the tree thing. I tried to move my legs, but found that I couldn’t.

And then I felt the pain deaden and finally drop away entirely. I pulled my head up and found Taya looking at me with concern. “Thank you.” I tried moving my legs to find that they still wouldn’t budge. “I’ve been kneeling too long. I can’t move my legs even with the pain gone.” An orange aura surrounded me and I lifted up a bit. “I love you, Taya. And don’t tell anyone what Pinkie just did.” Though given that she did it in the open in a town as relatively small as Ponyville, I expected the news to make the rounds anyway. I sighed a bit as Taya drifted me back to the library. I slowly felt circulation begin to warm my legs up again.

“She should be punished, though,” Taya answered me after a short moment.

“I am punishing her. Being forbidden to talk to a friend—or someone she considers a friend—is hell for her. And to have left on such a sour note?” I shook my head. “What I did was cruel. I pushed her to the breaking point and then got angry when she broke. Shoulda known that was coming… I deserved it.”

Taya didn’t answer. For her, that was indictment enough.

“I hate getting punched in the face. Try to avoid that, Taya.” We were nearing the library now. “Set me on my feet. I want to see if I can walk yet.” She did. I took a few shuddering steps. I was soon back into the rhythm and we finished the journey to the library.

Twilight looked up as I entered. “How was the trip?”

I shrugged. “Alright. I only had to kill one person. I got to call the king of the griffins a peckerhead, which was pretty awesome. It was a nice vacation.”

She was looking at me funny. “Did you say you… killed somepony?”

“It was a griffin, actually. An assassin sent to kill Cadance. Or maybe her unborn foal. Either way, an assassin. I got another formula for more alcohol. Do you think Fluttershy has bees with honey?”

“An assassin tried to kill Cadance?!”

“Hm? Yeah. Came in the dead of night and tried to give her a second smile. Didn’t get the chance. Now, about the bees?”

“Why would somepony want to kill her?”

“Don’t know. Being dead makes you hard to interrogate. Bees?”

“Forget about the stupid bees! This is important, Nav! What happened?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. My guard was getting laid in my room so I was in the hall. I was nodding off when I saw a griffin come down the dark hall. This was a normal occurrence, so I didn’t pay it much mind until she got to me. She stopped, looked down, pulled a dagger off my belt, and opened the door to Cadance’s room. I followed her in, confronted her, we got into a tussle, and in the end she had a bolt in the back of her braincase.”

“Why didn’t you capture her?”

“Because she kicked my ass. I couldn’t even use my left arm and my side was scratched all to hell. The only reason she didn’t kill me is because she wasn’t trying. She was pouncing at Shiny when I pulled my crossbow up and shot her. The reason I didn’t let him take care of it is that, if he hadn’t stopped her yet, he probably wouldn’t be able to stop her at all. They were both awake at that time, so either one could have used magic to pull her away from me and hold her in place. If neither had done it, I figured there was a reason.”

“Did they figure anything out about why the assassin was there?”

“If they did, they didn’t tell me.” Nothing all that unusual about that. And it wasn’t my business anyway.

She started pacing, muttering. I shrugged and continued on up to my room. I set down my weapons and started unpacking. When I got done with all that, I returned to the front room of the library to find Spike looking for books and Twilight reading through one. Taya was writing something down over in the corner she usually does everything in.

Spike looked up when I walked down the stairs. “So what took you so long to get back to the library, anyway?”

I waved a hand. “Oh, I just got held by Pinkie.” Literally.

He rolled his eyes, returning back to his search. We all knew Pinkie.

Twilight said, “I figured she would have come back with you. I haven’t seen her in a few days.”

“She ran off. You know how she is sometimes.” I walked over to a table and grabbed a small sheet of paper. I wrote down a quick list and walked over to the door. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I said. The only answer I got was Taya looking up.

The first stop I made was Fluttershy’s cabin. I was a bit surprised that none of my other friends noticed me walking in town, but it was getting near nightfall by then. I was hoping that I wouldn’t wake Fluttershy.

I whistled a low song as I walked, just thinking about things I needed to do. I still had to take Spike hunting. That would give me an excuse to get out of town for a day or two so I wouldn’t have to worry about running into Pinkie. I needed to start the mead.

…And that’s actually it. It was nice to have a schedule with nothing on it again.

I made it to Fluttershy’s little home with no interruptions. I knocked. She didn’t take long in answering it, a toothbrush in her mouth. When she saw it was me, she stepped aside, gesturing to enter. I did so, shutting the door behind me. I took a seat while she went back to her bathroom.

Angel glared at me from a perch on the other side of the room. I showed him my middle finger and he shook a bunny fist at me before running away. Fluttershy didn’t take long to get back down. “What did you need, Nav?”

I passed her the list of ingredients that she somehow grabbed in her hoof. “Do you know where I can get any of these? I don’t need them tonight, I just need to know if you have any of them.”

She read over the list quickly. “I can get some of this. I… I don’t know what some of this is, though.” She looked up. “What’s this for? If… if you don’t mind me asking.”

“A project of mine. I want to see if I can recreate something I found in Gryphus. If I can, cool. If not, oh well.”

She looked a bit confused. “Griffins have ways of handling bees? I’ll have to talk to Gilda about it! If she’s willing, that is…”

“Gilda’s in town?”

“Oh, yes. She got here a few days after you left. She’ll probably be leaving soon, though.” Well, I guess that explains why she didn’t contact me in Gryphus. Ah well.

“I don’t think she’ll know much about bees, but you’re welcome to ask. Has she been doing okay? Not threatening or attacking anyone?”

“Not that I know of. She seems to be much nicer now!”

“Good. I’m going to let you get to sleep, then. I know you wake up early for your animals.” I stood. “Good to see you again, Fluttershy.”

She smiled. “You too, Nav. Oh, and when you get a chance, talk to Pinkie. I think she had something important she wanted to tell you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Do you know what?”

She shrugged and said, “No...”

“Thanks for the heads up, anyway. I’ll talk to you later.” She saw me out and then I was heading back home.

What could Pinkie possibly want? I mean, I already saw her. She didn’t say too much when I saw her then. At least, nothing that would warrant Fluttershy telling me to go find her.

Guess I’ll find out in a few days.

I woke up to the sensation of something velvety on my lips. I tried swatting at it to find that I couldn’t move. That wasn’t surprising, honestly; my biology dictates that I pretty much must sleep during winter and fall. If I don’t, I’ll be unable to do much of anything the following day that doesn’t involve laying down. Because of that, my body is usually very sluggish at night during winter.

Anyway, the velvety sensation. It disappeared for a moment before coming back stronger. I felt something slip into my mouth. That’s when I opened my eyes to see Luna kneeling down, kissing me. My brain wasn’t really firing right, so I pretty much just laid back and took it.

After a minute, she finally pulled back and noticed my open eyes. “Good, you’re finally awake.”

“Silly Woona. The knight is supposed to kiss the princess awake, not the other way around.” She blushed at the nickname. I felt my eyes slip closed again and I started drifting back off. I felt something gently slap at my face, but I was still too far gone.

I heard a sigh and some muttering. “I didn’t want to have to do this,” she finally said. I felt the velvet on my lips again. After a moment, my heart rate started to pick up and my eyes shot open to see Luna’s horn glowing. She pulled away at my sharp intake of breath. “I know magically healing away fatigue is not wise, but I do need to talk to you. I can put you back to sleep after, if you desire.”

I sat up. “What did you need?” I saw that we were in her bedroom and I was on her bed. My pants were missing. “And… what all did you try to wake me up?” My crotch was wet.

“Let’s just say that we’ve been here a while. You are a very deep sleeper, Nav. Now, what happened while you were in Gryphus?” I gave her a short run through. “You had no problems with your guard?”

“Not really. Other than the fact that I had a guard in the first place. The company was nice, at least. If I had to spend all that time alone, I would have been bored out of my mind.”

“There was no throwing you against the wall? No failing in his duty to protect you with his life? No molesting you?” The last was spoken with a particular vehemence.

“I think I would have mentioned something like that happening, Luna.”

“That is not a no.”

“I have no complaints against him. Is there anything else you need?”

“Navarone, you are essentially the commander of all my forces, should it come to a battle. Yes, I have a night captain of the guard, but she will defer to you if the situation calls for it. You do not need to coddle your troops just because you like them.”

“Okay.”

She grit her teeth. “Well?”

“He threw me against the wall in self-defense. Him failing in his duty to protect me is what saved Cadance. The molestation thing was an accident.” I shrugged. “If he was a dick about what he did, that would be one thing. I honestly don’t think he did bad. I mean, given the number of days he guarded me and the number of times I got attacked, I think it was a pretty good ratio.”

“You could have died, Nav!”

“I could die walking down the street. There’s a mare in Ponyville, extremely clutzy. She helps people move sometimes. It wouldn’t be the first time she accidentally left a moving chariot open and let its cargo go everywhere. You can’t expect me to stay perfectly safe, Luna. There will always be some dangers out there, and with a career like mine, I’ll always run into more of them.”

She sighed. “I wish I could just keep you here at the palace. I love you, Nav. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I don’t want me to get hurt either. But someone has to do the things I do. It might as well be someone that won’t be missed by too many people.”

“Navarone, never think for a second that you are not important to many ponies. Despite what I think about many of your friends, I know they like you and would mourn your passing. Celestia would lose her only real friend besides me. Your daughter would be distraught. And I would lose my love.” She reached out a hoof to caress my face. It was… a hoof. Soft, but still a hoof.

I took it in my hands. “I know,” I answered, stroking the hoof lightly. “It just makes my job easier to think I won’t be missed. And I really don’t like the idea of punishing someone for acting like a normal pers—pony. I don’t know protocol. I leave that to others. I told him I would put a good word in.” I shrugged. “Smiles is a good guy, from what I saw. Just… don’t give me guards again, please.”

“I did not think you would approve. That is why I made sure to give him the orders myself. If there ever is a next time, do not try to be friends with the guard. Their job is to keep you safe, not to keep you entertained.”

I shook my head, letting her hoof fall. “I can’t do this royal stuff, Luna. I treat people as people—or ponies as ponies, whatever. I know it’s just their job, but I know what it’s like to just be doing a job. They’re still people under it all. Why treat them any different than I would Celestia?”

“For being such a horrible place, your world inspires such lofty ideals.”

“It’s not all horrible, Luna. There is plenty of good there. There’s also plenty of bad. It’s a balance.”

“If you say so. We have other things to discuss, however. I am…” She blushed brightly. “I’m going into heat soon. There are ways of alleviating it and making it disappear until next year, but there is still a discomfort involved. I know you can’t be very active during the fall and winter months at night, but I can give you magical energy so you can be awake at night.”

“Hold on. I thought ponies had heat on a monthly basis for a short time period. I know Celestia had that long thing, but I thought that was because she put it off for so long.”

“Normal ponies do have heat cycles like that. Theirs are weaker, shorter, and more common. Celestia and I enter estrus once a year. Over time, heat cycles have changed. When we were born, what we go through was normal. There was a time when ponies had a single estrus season during the spring. Ponies back then were slaves to their bodies. Celestia and I can control ourselves, but it takes a force of will.” She giggled slightly. “All of Equestria had to be shut down during estrus back then.”

“That doesn’t sound enjoyable. I know what it’s like to be a stallion near a mare in heat. I bet it was worse back then.”

“I’ll keep that in mind… So, what do you say, Nav? Would you like to keep me company during my heat?”

I want to say yes, but… “How long does it last?”

“A week, usually. The entire time you were in the palace during the week of the wedding, Celestia was in heat. She cast the libido spell on you prior to her heat cycle because she knew it was coming and that the spell needed time to settle on you.”

“What exactly would happen?”

She ran through it. I don’t want to explain all of it because it’s really no one’s business but mine and I figured I could remember. I sighed at the end. “I’ll help you through this, but I’ll need the option to back out at any time. And you better not get pregnant.”

She beamed and hugged me, pushing me back onto the bed a bit. “You won’t regret it!”

I had a feeling I was going to regret it.

The next morning dawned bright and early. I was too busy being asleep to see it, though; I didn’t get up until noon. Normally I wake up a lot earlier than that, but Luna had to put me back to sleep with magic so that really messed me up. I opened my window and let the sun shine through the leaves, invigorating me. Not for the first time, I smiled at the idea of a tree living inside of a tree.

I grabbed my crossbow, some bolts, my sword, and my knives. When I had them all attached, I went to get Spike. I found him in the kitchen, stirring a pot of something. “Spike, you ready to go kill something?”

His head shot to me so fast his neck popped. His eyes widened at the same time and he dropped the spoon, letting it drift to the bottom of the pot. “Buck yeah!” He snatched off his poofy pink apron—I wish I was joking—and ran up to me. Given that we were in the kitchen, he only had to run two steps. “When are we leaving?”

“As soon as you tell me whether or not you have any chores to do.”

He looked around. I followed his gaze. The kitchen was a mess. He poked his head around me and I looked behind as well. The library was even worse of a mess. He stood up straight and looked up at me. “I’m good. Let’s go.”

I shrugged. “Cool. Come on.” I led the way to the front door, where we bumped into Taya.

“Where are you two going?”

“Into the forest to hunt,” I answered.

“Can I come?”

I shared a look with Spike before turning back to Taya. “Honey, you can’t eat meat.”

“So?”

“Well when you put it that way… Come on. But you aren’t allowed to look if we kill something and start gutting it.”

I led the way away from town. Thankfully, nothing of importance happened on our way. When we got outside of town, I asked, “Do either of you know if there’s anything planned for the next few weeks?”

“Nightmare Night is the only thing I know of, Nav. Why?” Spike replied.

“I’m going to have to spend a week in Canterlot soon. I don’t want to miss anything if I don’t have to.”

“Why do you have to go there?”

“Knight stuff. It shouldn’t be hard, but I’ll be busy for quite a while each day.”

Taya spoke up with her usual quiet voice, “Can I come?”

“Sadly… Wait, you might be able to. But I’d have to leave you alone often. It would probably be pretty boring even when I was around. So you probably could come with me, but I don’t think it would be a good idea.” She answered me with just a sigh.

When we got to a good shooting range, I handed Spike the crossbow. “I’ve shown you how to shoot before, but it’s been a while. Warm up a bit.” I passed him the quiver and he loaded it. After a moment of looking around, he spotted something to use as a target. He raised the crossbow up—it was a bit big for him, but he had some good dragon strength going on. After a second of aiming, he took a shot. “Little to the left. Remember, this crossbow is better than the crappy one Twilight made for me. Unless there’s some good wind, it’ll go where you point it.” He reloaded and shot again. He hit the target this time, though it wasn’t a perfect shot. “Close enough to kill. Take a few more shots just in case.” He did. All were good enough. “Alright. Taya, you interested in trying?”

She looked at the crossbow and then down to her hooves. She looked back up. “How would that work?”

I pulled a bolt out from the quiver. “Grip this with your magic. Shoot it down the field into the target. You shouldn’t hold the bolt all the way there, as that would be too easy. You should release it when it has enough momentum so it’ll fly true.”

“…what?”

“Grab this with your magic and throw it at the target.” She did so and missed. “To the right.” She grabbed another one and threw it. “Left.” She tried again and managed to actually hit the thing this time. “You hit it. Try a few more times.” She managed to hit it several more times. When she was finished, the pumpkin was unrecognizable. “I think that’s enough. Let’s collect the ammo and get to the forest.”

We walked downrange and grabbed the bolts. Thankfully, none of them had broken. Taya cleaned all the nastiness off them and I slipped them back into the case and passed the crossbow and quiver to Spike. “Spike, this is your hunt. You’ve eaten too much meat without knowing the feel of taking a life. I’ll guide us through the forest, but you’re taking the shot.”

He looked at the crossbow with wonder in his eyes. After a moment he turned back to me. “This is so cool!”

I didn’t much like the sound of that. “Spike, crossbows kill things. I know you were raised in Equestria, so let me explain this to you: When something dies, it no longer exists on this plane. You erase something from existence. If it had a family, that family is now missing a member. You might kill a father, a daughter, a baby, a friend… Killing isn’t something to think of as ‘cool.’ It is something that is necessary, yes. Something that is dark. And, God help me, something that is fun as hell at times. Load it now, but keep your hand away from the trigger. Just holster it until I tell you to pull it up. And only shoot when I tell you.”

He looked a bit more grave after that, and nodded his assent. He awkwardly loaded the crossbow and slung it over a shoulder. It was a very loose fit, but I knew he wouldn’t drop it.

“Now, while we’re in the forest, you two need to follow behind me. Don’t touch anything I don’t touch. If I tell you to do something, you do it. If you must talk, whisper. Do not wander away for any reason and always keep me in sight. Now, are you both sure you want to do this?” They nodded. “Let’s go.”

Into the forest we went. I pointed out a few things to them as we walked. We stopped several times when I heard noises close by. I knew I was invisible to the forest, but Spike and Taya weren’t. Most of the noises wandered away, not staying long enough to pose a possible threat. The few that did stay long turned out to be small animals, not worth shooting.

We continued like that for nearly two hours. I picked up some of the safer fruits and herbs and stored them away for Taya if we did manage to kill something.

At about the two and a half hour mark, we ran into something worth killing. I stopped our little group and crouched down. “Manticore ahead,” I whispered. “I don’t know why it hasn’t picked up on our scent yet, but they don’t hunt in packs. Spike, get ready. Aim for the chest,” I said, tapping my chest to where he would want to shoot. “Or the head, if you think you can hit it.” He nodded, gulping slightly. It’s easy to talk about killing something, but when you actually have to up and do it? Yeah, that’s when it gets hard.

I motioned our little group forward. We did our best to quietly ease ourselves up, and we thankfully managed to get a good sight line on the target. Spike slowly pulled the crossbow up and aimed it at the manticore. After nearly half a minute of aiming, he gently pulled the trigger.

A few things happened at once. First, the crossbow shot and spewed a bolt at the manticore, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully on a rock. Second, something large fell from the sky and landed atop the manticore, getting in the way of the bolt. Third, a loud squawk cut off the screams of the beast we were trying to kill. I ripped the crossbow from Spike’s claws and reloaded as quickly as possible. Before the manticore could fully wake up, he had a bolt sticking out of one of his eyes. It slid off the rock, dead.

The thing that jumped on top of it whirled to face us and I saw that it was a griffin. I dropped the crossbow and drew my sword. “Get behind me,” I warned the others. I wouldn’t have time to reload before she could get to me, even though she appeared to have a bolt sticking out of her wing. “Wait…” I lowered my sword. “Gilda?”

She relaxed a bit. “Yeah. Whose bright idea was it to shoot me with that nasty toy of yours?”

“Well, whose bright idea was it to try to steal our kill?”

“You three were just standing there! I figured if you weren’t going to kill it, I would.”

I shook my head and put the sword up. “Come here, let me see what the damage is.” My group walked into the little clearing. Spike grabbed the crossbow as we walked. He reloaded it, thankfully. He then went to inspect the manticore. Taya watched Gilda warily.

Gilda held her wing up. “So that’s what that thing does? Nasty. I imagine it gets the job done well, though.”

“Ask him,” I said with a gesture towards the dead manticore. I lightly gripped her wing and she flinched. “Relax. Let’s see…” I probed the area around the bolt. “No bone here, good. Taya, come here.” She stepped up. “Cut the bottom of the bolt off from this side,” I said with a point. Her horn lit up and the bottom of the bolt separated, leaving just the tip sticking out. “Now, this is probably going to hurt like a bitch.”

“What’s a—” Gilda cut off with a loud avian screech as I yanked the bolt out the rest of the way. Her wing shot out, knocking me back as she whirled toward me.

I held my hands up. “It had to come out, Gilda. Relax.”

“Let’s see you relax when something is ripping a wooden stick out of you!”

“I know it hurts. I got my ass kicked the other day by a griffin, so don’t think I don’t know it hurts. Taya, heal her up, would you?”

Taya’s horn glowed and the small trickle of blood coming from the wound stopped. Gilda ruffled her feathers a bit. “That felt… odd. What do you mean, you got attacked by a griffin? Where?”

“In Gryphus.” I told her the story as she preened a bit.

“That’s strange, but I don’t know much about politics. If I had known you were going to be in town, I would have waited to come to Ponyville for another few weeks.” She shrugged. “Oh well. So what do you want to do about the manticore?” Spike was still looking at it with an odd look.

“Carve it up and eat it. It was supposed to be Spike’s first kill, but…” I shrugged. “If you find some dry wood, I’ll start cutting it up so we can cook some steaks.”

“Have you ever eaten manticore before?” she asked, a bit of amusement in her voice.

“Nope. Now that I think about it… that poison might be a problem.”

“You bet your feathers it is. If you eat the wrong parts of it, you’ll get paralyzed for hours, even if you cook it first.”

“Okay, you carve it. I’ll take Taya to look for wood. Show Spike what to do and what not to do.”

“You got it. And… thanks for sharing, Nav.”

“Anything for a friend. Let’s go, Taya.”

We got back fifteen minutes later with enough wood for a decent sized fire. Gilda was using her talons to point out what can and can’t be eaten to a very enthusiastic Spike. The manticore was laid open on the ground, many of the organs thrown lazily about. Taya surprisingly took it well enough; I figured she would get sick, as a pony.

We piled the wood up and Taya set them on fire. With a little redneck engineering, I built a crappy little spit that we could hopefully use to cook on. Taya shook her head sadly at my attempt. She disappeared with a pop and reappeared a minute later with some proper gear. “Thank you, Taya.” She nodded. I set up the stuff and checked on the status of the manticore.

They were carving stuff out now. I passed Spike my knife so he could help better; his claws were sharp, but they couldn’t cut like Gilda’s talons. I started pulling fruits and whatnot out for Taya and myself. I showed her how to eat them and we pigged out while the meat started to cook.

“So Gilda, you know how to cook meat, right?”

“Of course. I’ve only been doing it all my life.”

“Just making sure. It’s been a long time since I had to. Long enough that I want to make sure someone knows what they’re doing.”

We all settled in around the fire. “It’s good to have company out here in the forest,” Gilda commented. “I’ve been hunting solo and eating alone since I got here.”

“Yeah, the ponies don’t take too kindly to meat eaters,” I replied. I threw a rind into the fire. “Something I’m glad I didn’t have to learn. Most don’t know I can.”

Spike spoke up, “Most don’t even think about me eating meat. I’m a dragon, and all they see is little baby Spike, Twilight’s harmless assistant.” He sounded bitter.

Gilda grinned—you learn to tell griffin facial expressions when you spend a few weeks in their capital. “I know you’re not a baby, man. That thing you shot at me hurt enough to confirm that.”

Spike smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Ah, no big. I probably would have got hurt worse killing this thing if you guys hadn’t finally made yourselves known.”

“Woulda been one hell of a fight,” I said, watching the meat pop in the fire. Taya was doing her best to try not to look at it, and was holding her nose away from the fire. “Smells good, at least.”

“Manticore doesn’t have the best taste,” Gilda said, “But it is filling and there’s a lot of it. A single griffin can survive off a manticore for a week if they have to, and have a way of keeping the meat good.”

“Salt would do it,” I said. “Salt or a freezer.”

She nodded. “Salt works well, but it’s not something you’re likely to have on the go. Here, let me show you how to make some jerky. That stuff’ll last you forever.” She led Spike back over to the corpse. She pointed some more stuff out that I heard but don’t want to write. She let Spike cut some more meat out. When they had enough, she led him back to the fire. “Now, this meat has to be dried but not cooked. To do that, we’ll poke a hole in it, run string through each slice, and hang them over the fire. If the string starts melting or burning, it’s too close to the fire.” She picked up two long sticks and pulled a string out of… somewhere. She strung the thin slices of meat up and tied them to the sticks. She then stuck the sticks in the ground, letting the meat dangle over the fire. “There you have it.”

Spike turned to me. “Now why didn’t the cats teach us this?”

“Because they got all their food from looting. Meat looks done, Gilda.”

She took a look at it. “Yeah, if you like it medium. I prefer it well-done when it’s not rare.”

“Well, call me uncivilized if you want.” I pulled one of the steaks to me with my knife and held it away so it could cool a bit.

Gilda smirked at that. “What, not going to eat it right away?”

“My hands are more sensitive than your talons. If I touch this, I’ll get burned. Same for my mouth.”

“Wuss.”

“Forgive me for knowing my limits. I’m not exactly masochistic.”

“Yeah, yeah. You can keep your uncooked swill. Me and Spike’ll keep the good stuff for ourselves.” Spike actually looked like he was tempted to grab a piece for himself, but decided against it when Gilda said that.

A few minutes later, I deemed the steak cool enough to safely handle and eat. I took a small bite and nodded at the taste. “Could use some seasoning, but it’s good.”

Gilda shrugged. “There’s only so much you can do out here, and I’m no chef myself. I’m sure you had some good food up in Gryphus, though.”

“Oh God yes. The chefs up there know how to make a fucking steak, even if it was reindeer.” They were actually better than some of the ones I had back on Earth. Or maybe my memory is just corrupted a bit. I continued chowing down on the steak.

“Can… can I try a piece?” Taya asked in a very quiet voice. Gilda, Spike, and I all looked up at her, shocked.

“Uh. No,” I said. “I’m not giving meat to a pony. That would probably make you sick and taste terrible.” Luna managed, but she isn’t my daughter.

“Come on, Nav. What’s the worst that could happen?” Gilda asked.

“Her getting sick, as I said. I won’t risk it. Besides, if you can’t stand the smell, you definitely won’t be able to stand the taste. I told you what we would be doing out here and that you probably wouldn’t like it.”

She sighed and laid back down. I looked to Gilda and we shrugged. I continued eating the steak. Gilda finally reached over and pulled hers off the fire. Spike copied her with another one. They began chowing down immediately, somehow not getting burned. I guess having a beak and being a dragon means you don’t have to worry about mouth burns.

Gilda didn’t take much time, what with her massive beak. She was working on a second piece before Spike was halfway done with his first. I stopped after one; I wasn’t that hungry to begin with, and the fruits I ate before the meat didn’t help.

Gilda looked at me while she was finishing off the second steak. “You not eating much? I know you like eating a lot of tender meat.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Not in front of Taya.”

“So why can Spike hear it, but not me?” Taya asked.

“Because he’s olde—well, I think he’s older than you. No one ever tells me how old you guys are, and everyone ignores me when I asked.”

Gilda looked at me like I was stupid. “It’s pretty obvious, Nav. Taya is—”

She was cut off by a roar from the forest. I snatched my loaded crossbow up and stood, aiming in the direction of the noise. “Gilda, carry Spike out. Taya, teleport home. I’ll cover Gilda and Spike. Move.”

“What is it, Nav?” Spike asked, standing and looking about him in fear. Gilda was already throwing dirt into the fire, hurrying to make sure the forest didn’t get burned down.

“Hydra. Leave it, Gilda! It’s too close as it is! Taya, why are you still here?”

Gilda grabbed Spike and leapt into the air just as the hydra pounded out, its four heads writhing and hissing. Its heads all pointed at Taya, who thankfully had the presence of mind to not argue and just teleport out.

Leaving me alone with the beast. Its eyes turned to track Gilda, but she was too far gone. Lacking another target, it turned to the carcass of the manticore. It tore into it, each head trying to get the most.

I waved Gilda out of the forest, hoping she wouldn’t try to stop and ask me what the hell just happened. I grabbed the jerky strings and then started jogging out, hoping I remembered enough to get me home in one piece. I don’t know why flying didn’t occur to me.

I made it out easily enough, thankfully. Gilda and Spike followed my progress from above, occasionally swooping down as Gilda spotted some small game or something that she presumably had Spike gut and roast with his fire. She had Spike feeding her as she flew, hunting for more targets for them to share.

It took me about an hour to jog out. I lost sight of Gilda several times, but I don’t know if she was diving all those times. They joined me on the ground as I started walking back to Ponyville.

“That was fun, you two,” Gilda said. “With Nav here scaring all the animals into moving, I was able to catch them easily. And with Spike there to clean and cook them, we had them ready to eat in no time. We’ll definitely have to hunt again sometime.” She held a talon down to Spike for a bro-claw or whatever it was called in that situation. Either way, he met it and the bro-whatever was complete.

“I’m sure Spike’ll be down for hunting whenever you’re in town. I might be busy, but I might also not be. Never know until it’s time to go, usually.” I doled out the jerky and they gave grateful nods.

Gilda looked Spike up and down as he chewed on some dry meat. “I’ll have to show you how to hunt like a proper predator, then. None of that pansy shooting things from a distance.” She poked me with a talon. “That’s for wimps like this guy.”

“What, so since I like not getting mauled by a manticore, I’m a wimp?”

She rolled her eyes. “So how did you escape from that hydra, anyway? It was like he didn’t even see you!”

“I’m invisible to most creatures that can’t talk. Only a few smarter ones can see me. I can walk right through that forest and make it through unscathed.” I am become STALKER, walker of the Zone.

She smirked. “So that’s how a squishy fellow like you explored that place. You find anything cool in there?”

“Eh, you know how it goes. All sorts of plants, weird critters, ancient ruins full of treasure and enchanted artifacts, a few random abandoned buildings, all kinds of fruit and whatnot. The usual.”

“Yeah, I know all abou—wait, what was that about treasure?”

“Oh, the princesses cleared all that out. Added quite a bit to their coffers, too.”

She sighed. “Wouldn’t mind bringing back some gold…”

“From what I heard up there, you’re a noble’s daughter anyway. Why would you need money?”

“I got bills to pay, same as anypony else.” She shrugged. “Ain’t nothing in this world’s for free.” I grinned. “What are you smiling about?”

“That was a song back in my world. I guess it fits even in magical pony land.”

She ruffled her feathers a bit. “Magical. Right. Well, I need to get back to where I’m staying. Don’t want to worry Dash too much, if she’s even there. I’ll probably be out hunting again tomorrow, if you’re interested.”

“We might be. See you,” I answered.

Spike nodded. “Bye, Gilda.” With that, she took off. Spike turned to me. “Does she seem a lot cooler now?”

“That’s because you’re giving her a chance. And because you shot her and she didn’t kill you. Let me tell you, she’s a monster in bed.”

Spike tripped a bit. “Y-y-you’ve slept with her?”

“Yeah. Well, it was a three-some, but still yes.” He just shook his head as we continued into town. “Wait… Spike, we should probably wash the blood off before anyone sees us like this.”

He looked down at his claws. There wasn’t much blood left, but it was still noticeable. “Yeah, we should. Good thing there’s a creek near here.”

A creek that was currently occupied by a singing Fluttershy. We shared a glance. He shook his head. I jerked my head to the water. He sighed and we continued, both of us kneeling at the water’s edge.

“Oh, hello you t—” She caught sight of the blood and her eyes went wide. “Oh, are you two okay? You aren’t hurt, are you?” She flew up at us while she was talking, examining each of us.

“We’re fine, Fluttershy. W—”

Her eyes went even wider and she squeaked. “What about Taya?! She’s not with you! Oh, is she okay?”

“She’s fine, Fluttershy. We were hunting, that’s all. I sent her home so she didn’t have to see anything nasty. She teleported out.”

Fluttershy went a bit pale. “Um. Oh. O-okay. You didn’t… I mean… you didn’t make any of them suffer, did you?”

“Quick and clean, Fluttershy. That’s how I work. It didn’t know it was under attack at all.”

She sighed. “Well, at least you three are okay. Oh, you didn’t hurt any of my friends, did you?”

Spike and I looked at each other. We turned back to Fluttershy and shrugged. How were we supposed to tell which animal was one of hers?

She gulped and whispered, “I think I’ll go check on my animals.” She flew off, leaving me and Spike to clean ourselves.

As we continued back to Ponyville, I commented, “We could probably blame Gilda if any of her critters turn up missing.”

“That’s wrong, Nav.”

“I know. I wasn’t actually going to do it. I mean, I’m not a good person, but I’m also not a jerk.”

We had little fanfare upon entering the town. The ponies were all used to me by now, and were used to me coming and going as well. A group of ponies was singing a happy song somewhere else in the town, and we could hear the music and lyrics ringing through the streets as we walked to the library.

The song was getting ominously close by the time we got to the library. Thankfully, Twilight has some pretty strong spells protecting her pad, so we didn’t have to worry about getting caught in the song.

Taya was there waiting for us, sitting morosely on the floor. She perked up immediately when she saw me safe and sound. She stood to her feet when I got yanked off mine by purple magic. “Twilight, so lovely to see you.” She pulled me right up to her face so she could look me in the eye. She forgot to restrict my arms, and I reached out and booped her on the nose. She dropped me, startled. I barely managed to catch myself. “You know you don’t have to magic me over if you want a closer look. I understand that my appearance is so appealing that you just have to get me closer.” I know I was digging my grave deeper, but the look on her face was just so wo—Wait, is she blushing?

“You made Pinkie cry!” Nope, that’s anger. “And you took Spike and Taya without telling me and almost got them both hurt!” Dammit, Taya.

“Now that might be exaggerating a bit. They weren’t in any danger.”

“THERE WAS A HYDRA!”

“I had it under control. You know I’ve spent plenty of time in that forest. I know how it works.”

“Relax, Twilight!” Spike said, coming to my defense. “With him and Gilda there, we didn’t have to worry about a thing.”

That might have been the wrong thing to say. “And what was Gilda doing there?” she practically hissed.

“Same thing we were,” I said. “Hunting.”

Twilight jerked back. “You took Taya hunting?”

“Yeah. I told her what was going to happen, but she wanted to go anyway.”

Her left eye twitched. “You’re a terrible father,” she whispered. I just shrugged. I mean, what more did she want? I’ve been telling them that since the beginning. Ain’t my fault it took them so long to figure out.

Taya, however, had a different reaction. She said, “No he’s not! What would you even know about being a parent?”

“I know a good parent doesn’t let their foal eat something that could kill them!”

“I didn’t let her have meat,” I answered.

Twilight looked a bit taken aback. Before she could reply, Taya said, “No, he didn’t. I asked and he refused to let me have any.”

Twilight was getting a bit flustered. She said, “A good parent doesn’t take their foals somewhere they might get hurt.”

“Bullshit. There ain’t nowhere in the world someone can’t get hurt. You just have to do your best to make sure they’re as safe as possible in the places you do bring them.”

“And you thought the Everfree Forest would be a safe place to bring her?”

“He took all the precautions he could!” Taya said. “If anything happened, he was going to fly Spike out and I was going to teleport out.” Not entirely true, but I wasn’t planning on denying it since that made me look better than what I was going to say.

“But… But a good parent doesn’t take their foals away from school without telling the teacher!”

I crossed my arms. She was beaten and she knew it. “It’s Saturday, Twilight.”

She made a very aggravated noise. “You still made Pinkie cry!”

“Pinkie punched me in the face. I felt it prudent to punish her.”

“Not that! What you said to her, to forget you! And how… how everypony you let in just ends up hurting you…” The anger from her voice was fading. “That’s not true, Nav.”

“I guess that depends on what kind of pain we’re talking about. Physical pain, it most definitely is true. Emotional pain? Then I may have been exaggerating. Taya here has yet to do anything to hurt me.” Taya smiled at me for that. “Hell, there are a few ponies and,” with a glance at Spike, “dragons that haven’t hurt me yet. But you? Yeah, you hurt me. Pinkie’s done plenty of damage herself, more than most have. You shouldn’t tell me something is or isn’t true without all the details, Twilight.”

“Oh, and what has Pinkie ever done to hurt you?”

“I already told you, but you didn’t believe me.”

She blinked. “Do you mean… what you said before you started exploring the forest?”

“Yes. You thought I was joking or maybe lying. I wasn’t.”

She seemed to pale. “That’s… that’s not… no… Why didn’t you tell anypony?”

“Who would believe me? At the time, I didn’t know it was possible to read memories. Now? Well, now I’ve been through worse. Well, not really worse, but more physically painful. Their betrayal still stings and it probably always will.”

“What are you two talking about?” Taya asked.

“Nothing,” I answered. “Don’t worry about it.”

She stomped a hoof down. “It isn’t nothing! They did something to hurt you and they need to be punished!”

“No, they don’t. I’m pretty sure they both learned their lessons.”

She looked ready to retort again, but Twilight spoke up. “She’s right, Nav. That isn’t something that can ever be forgiven. Celestia should be told.”

“No.”

“Nav, the kind of pony that could do that to somepony… they shouldn’t be allowed to walk free! I don’t know if… I don’t know if I can keep being friends with them for doing that to you…”

“Twilight, look at me.” She lifted her gaze from where it had rested on the floor. “Nothing changed. This happened a few years ago. Have you noticed a difference in either of their behaviors?” She slowly shook her head. “They both know what they did was wrong. They thought I wanted it. It was a mistaken thought, but that’s what it was. They’ve apologized and we’ve all moved on. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

“Nav… I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t… I always wondered why you changed so much… Why you seemed to flinch whenever Rarity or Pinkie entered the room… I just didn’t… didn’t expect that!”

“Neither did I. I need you three to promise nothing will come from this. I don’t want to ruin their lives over a foolish mistake in the past.”

Twilight and Spike nodded. Taya was hesitant, but after a long shared look between the two of us, she slowly nodded.

“Alright then. Imma go put these weapons up and go for a walk.” I did just that. Taya came with me. It was a nice day.

A few days later, I woke up being cuddled by Pinkie. I only wish I was joking.

I was pretty well stuck, which was fixed by blowing her ear until she jerked awake. She woke up smiling until she saw my glare. “Why are you in my bed?” I demanded.

Her smile actually widened. “I’m not in your bed. You’re in my bed, silly!”

What. I looked around to find that yes, I actually was in her bed. “...How much did I drink last night?”

“Nothing, silly! It’s just been three days.”

“So why am I in your bed?”

“Because you’re warm!”

Oh yeah, this is Pinkie. “Well, can you let me go?”

“Nope! Or at least, not yet. First we gotta talk!”

I sighed and asked, “About what?”

“...I’m sorry for hurting you, Nav. I just… I wanted to make you smile. And you won’t ever let me help you! It just gets so frustrating…”

“And that translates to you punching me in the face?”

“Well, Rarity told me that the only way you ever learn is by pain…”

“If Rarity told you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

“Of course! If she told me that, I know there’d be candy or something else fun at the bottom! Oooh, or maybe a party!”

...Pinkie. How do I keep forgetting this? “Well, I forgive you. Now can you let me go?”

“Nope! Not until—mmmf!” I cut her off by kissing her dead on the mouth. Her eyes slammed open before slowly sliding closed, her oppressive grasp loosening. Eventually, one of her hooves went to my wings, gently stroking it…

Which made pushing away from her extremely easy, sliding off the bed and onto the floor. I was very ready for the move, so I caught myself and was out the door before she could react.

Never a dull moment with Pinkie… I got out of the building without her coming after me, at least. She was probably a little distracted. Still, it was a good escape plan, one I decided to remember for the future, just in case.

Chapter Forty-Eight—Estrus

Chapter Forty-Eight—Estrus

I feel like this is a survivor’s log. I’ve been tortured by a lust-filled sadist and it was easier than this. Before this event, I saw Celestia during her Estrus. It wasn’t all that bad, honestly. I even helped her one day.

Ha. One day. If what happened with Luna was anything like what Celestia was feeling, then I’m surprised she was able to only stop at one day. But then, I suppose Luna had a bit of frustration to work out. After all, she had been on the moon for a thousand years without any way of blocking her Estrus. So I suppose what happened to me was one thousand years of pent up anger, lust, and raw deprivations.

I had been given ample warning by Luna on when it was slated to begin. I don’t know how she was so sure. I guess it was just something she knew.

I arrived in the castle the morning of the day it was supposed to start. I had just woken up and Luna was about to go to bed. She just teleported me there so she could, and I quote, “Use you as soon as I need you.” That sent a yellow flag up.

Anyway, she left me and Celestia at the breakfast table. “So… what can I expect?” I asked Celestia.

She giggled. “It won’t matter. You can try to prepare for it all you want, but this just isn’t something you can really fight. There were husbands back in the day that would go on vacations when their wife went into Estrus, and no pony thought little of them for it. Luna and I have more control than most ponies, as we have lived a lot longer, but this will be Luna’s first time relieving her Estrus since she… got back. You’re in for one interesting week. I’ll try to keep her busy to give you breaks. And remember to drink plenty of fluids. Make sure she does the same.”

“So there’s nothing you can tell me about how she’ll act?”

“Not really. Well actually… I’ll come by to check on you when I can, if you can’t come to see me. She might be… reluctant… to let you leave, even if you ask her to.” That’s not a comforting thought.

“She wouldn’t actually do that, would she?”

“Normally, no. But with the way her mind will be?” She shrugged. “I honestly couldn’t say. I know I had a hard time letting the last one to help me with my estrus go.”

“That’s just because you hit me with a very strong spell to increase libido in me and the mares around me.” And I still don’t know how it affected those around me. I’m glad I can’t remember some of that week.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip it [have fun skipping most of the chapter])

After a day spent doing pretty much nothing but relaxing around the palace and writing, I found myself teleported directly to Luna’s room. I would have been there to greet her when she woke up, but I didn’t know when she did and I figured that would be kind of creepy.

Of course, thoughts of what was creepy and wasn’t rather quickly disappeared when I saw her room. “Is that a rack?” I asked.

“Something like that. Take your clothes off.”

I began removing stuff. “So what exactly am I in for this week?”

“Sex. A lot of it. And I will be in control this time.”

“Fair enough, since I don’t know exactly what you need. Don’t get too unreasonable and respect my limits and I’ll have no problems.”

She grinned at that. “Yes, your… ‘limits.’ I remember our talks.”

After that night with the stones, Luna and I had a lengthy discussion about what would and would not be allowed. Mainly, if I was a guy, all holes were exit only. Also prominent was that I never wanted to see those fucking stones used in sex again. Everything else, I said, was to be asked before tried. The ‘lengthy’ part of that conversation was the sex wherein she asked about several things. I think I enjoyed that part the most.

“Yes, I remember them. Maybe my sister told you something about mares in our time that went into estrus. About how their husbands—if they had one, of course—often left town when their heat started. Maybe she mentioned why they left town.” Her grin turned dark and I had time to look worried before I was slammed into the wall. “There are no limits for a mare in heat.” She changed into Nightmare Moon. “And I’ve had a long, long time to build this up.”

It was at this point that I started thinking that I fucked up. “Uh, Luna? I’m not… I don’t like this.”

“That’s a shame,” she answered. The last of my clothes were pulled off and I felt myself ponified. Guess this filthy horse shape feels more natural when she’s in heat.

“Luna, I make it a very serious point to not get romantically involved with rapists. You can continue this if you want, but note that we’re through if you do.” Sure, I fucked Kat, but there was no romance there. I also fucked Rarity and Pinkie both after their rape, but there was no romance involved in either of those either.

“Nav, I need this burning quenched! You can’t possibly understand what this feels like.” She sounded desperate now, almost remorseful. She used her magic to pull me forward and kiss me, forcing her tongue into my mouth. I felt something gently stroke my sheath, getting the tip of my stallionhood to pop out. “If you just let me remove this enchantment on you, you’ll never even remember what happened,” she finally said when she pulled back.

“Enchantment? What?”

“I’m a mare in heat. I emit pheromones. All male ponies that are nearby can smell them in the air.”

“Oh, that enchantment. I don’t like the idea of being mindless for any length of time. Can’t you just settle for fucking me and leaving all the weird shit at the door?”

I felt magic lifting me again. It set me on my back on the table and forced my legs out. “I thought about it,” she said. “I really did. And tonight, that’s just what I’ll do. I want to get you used to it, after all.”

“You never really get used to being raped. So what’s with the Nightmare Moon getup?”

She looked down at herself for some reason. I mean, when a pony looks down at itself, there really isn’t much they can see. She’d have been better off looking behind her. She looked up, blushing. “It… happens sometimes. When I’m considering something I know is wrong. I promise, if I do anything to make you uncomfortable this week, you can do whatever you want to me later.”

“Luna, there’s nothing I want to do with you that you wouldn’t also enjoy. I have no desire to ever hurt you. That’s not what people in love do to each other.” Or at least, I don’t think they do. It’s hard to know, never having been successfully in love before.

With that, she shifted back to Luna’s body. “I love you so much, Nav,” she whispered as the chains around my legs tightened down, sealing me to the rack. She walked over and nuzzled me warmly. “I don’t want to hurt you either. It’s just… I have this need inside of me! I will try to keep tame.” Her eyes flicked to the chains for a second. “Well, within reasonable limits. Now, I need you inside of me. And later we need to work on your assertiveness.”

“Assertiveness gets you only so far when the one you’re dealing with is one of the most powerful entities on the planet.” While I was saying that, she hopped up on the table and was stroking my wings with her magic. She wasted little time hitting the pleasure nodes, getting me hard very quickly. “Next time, we’re using the bed. You can tie me down if you want, but I don’t like getting fucked on a table.”

“Less talk, more bucking.” She punctuated that by lowering herself on me with a low moan. “Ooooohhh, I needed this,” she whispered as she grinded a bit. When she found a good spot, she started pumping. I wish I could do more to participate, but humping while tied to a table and in a pony body is impossible. If I was in a bed, I could do something.

So, given nothing to do, I just sat back to enjoy the ride. There was little in the way of enjoyment that I could do, though, given how fast she was going. She was constantly feeding magic into herself to replenish her energy so she could keep up an insane pace.

I was pretty close to falling asleep at the half hour mark, honestly. Sure, it felt good, but with the tree thing and with the circumcision, the only way I could really cum is if I let myself. And from the look of Luna, she was still ready to keep going for a long, long time.

At the hour mark she came for the eleventh time. I got quite a bit out of her orgasms, with the way she convulsed and squeezed me. And the noises she made were always cute enough to get me to smile.

At the hour and a half mark she came for the seventeenth time—she really got going for that last fifteen minutes. “H-h-how are y-y-you still g-g-g-g-gOOOHing?” she panted, finally reduced to grinding.

“Circumcision as a human cut off most of my feelings as a pony. The damn thing you and Celestia did to me took care of most of what I had left. I only find a release if I let myself. Or if my lover is very skilled, I can find myself surprised.” Like Celestia.

“Or… if you were a mare,” she said, pumping more magic into herself.

“Not interested. Just let me know when you’re getting close to done and I’ll start concentrating on cumming.”

“You’re going to enjoy this!” I felt magic rubbing my wings again, pushing in the sensitive spots. Then I felt her start to actually squeeze me from inside her. She began pumping, actually going slow this time. I heard a loud whistle and felt a sting against my flank as something magic slammed into it.

“What the fuck was that?”

“A… love spank?” she said, stopping for a moment.

“Yeah, don’t do that.” She sighed and started up again, slowly riding me and letting me actually feel something. After a moment I felt magic tendrils gently probe at a hole that I told her to not ever touch. “And don’t do that either!” Thankfully, the probes pulled away. I heard her grinding her teeth, though. Here’s hoping she isn’t also hormonal.

She leaned down and kissed me, still slowly riding me. She let my tongue explore her mouth, and the occasional moan told me that she was still having fun. I saw her horn glow again and felt something inside me stroked. My entire body jerked. I recognize that feel! I tried pulling away from her to tell her to stop her shit, but she didn’t let me escape. She fought to keep her place on top of me and finally thrust her tongue into my mouth as I felt my body shrinking. She continued stroking my prostate as she rode me.

At that point, I didn’t take long to reach my limit. No one would, with something like that happening to them. I felt a twitch and then I came, filling Luna and making her give off a loud moan into my mouth. She continued holding my mouth hostage until I started getting flaccid. She also continued stroking my prostate.

She pulled away with a smile until she saw the look on my face. I was pretty sure it was a mix between fear and ecstasy. “What’s wrong?”

“Never do that again,” I whispered, feeling myself shudder.

“I know it felt good! I could feel you react!”

“Twilight… she did that to me while she was infected with love poison. It terrifies me. I’d rather… I’d rather not get any release at all than get it like that!”

I jumped in surprise as I heard an insanely loud crack through the chamber. I saw both of her forehooves ground into the table, my head between them. “I WILL NOT HAVE ANOTHER THING RUINED BY ONE OF YOUR HARLOTS!” The chains around me disintegrated and I was ripped off the table and hung suspended in the air. For a second, the only sounds in the room were the drips of liquid falling from my belly and both of our deep breathing. “This is for your own good,” she finally intoned, voice expressionless.

The door slammed open and Celestia walked in, glaring at her sister. “Stop it, Luna!” she commanded.

“This is between me and him! Back off!”

“And he is terrified! Look at him!”

Luna swung her head to look at me. My eyes were about as wide as I could get them and I was straining to get away from her. People who say ‘this is for your own good’ usually intend to do something to you that isn’t at all for your own good. “Nav…” She swung back to Celestia. “You don’t understand. I need to help him!”

“I understand perfectly. Once again you are not content with what you have. You want more, rather than being happy that you have what you have. You’ve walked this road before, Luna. Do not walk it again.”

“That was different! I was being selfish, I cared for the feelings of none but my own. Now I’m trying to help him!”

“And yet he’s afraid. Terrified. You didn’t even think about his feelings. Or the feelings of his friends, those that know Navarone, not whatever you would make him. You thought only of yourself, of how to make him better for you.”

And the silence returned again. After nearly a minute, I fell a few feet to the floor and hit my tailbone with a loud crunch. “Dammit, that’s gonna leave a bruise,” I mumbled. And then I heard Luna start to sob as she sank to her knees. I sighed as I popped my neck. That done, I turned to Celestia. “Go ahead and turn me back.” Her horn lit up and I found myself growing taller. I rolled my shoulders when I was normal. “Go on back to bed. I got this.” She nodded once and teleported out. Fucking voyeur. She was probably watching the whole time. Thank God for it, too. I knelt down and wrapped Luna in my arms, rocking her gently.

Why am I still here? Luna just threatened to do… something to me. No one would judge me if I walked out that door and never looked back.

Though maybe that’s what love is.

I held her for half an hour, just weakly whispering soothing sounds, not even trying to form words. When she finally stopped crying, I heard her whisper, “Go away.”

“No.”

“She was right. I don’t deserve you.”

“First, that’s not what she said. Second, we both have problems that we need to work out.” That magic control is one of them. Every time it’s used against me, I hate it more and more.

“How… how can you still even like me?”

“You were going to do something wrong, but you stopped. Doesn’t matter why.”

“I can’t… I can’t do this right now.” Her horn lit up like a firecracker and the alicorn in my arms disappeared. I sighed, standing up. I went to the bathroom and took a short shower. Seeing nothing else to do, and since I hadn’t been given a room of my own, I just laid down on her bed and let exhaustion take me.

I woke up being cradled against Luna’s chest. “If you were a human, this would be so much nicer,” I mumbled.

“I can… I can do human for you!” She sounded desperate, like she was close to tears again.

“No, no,” I said, feeling considerably more awake when I heard her tone. “I’m… where are we?”

She smiled sadly. “The moon. I… It calms me.” She pulled me in closer with her wings. “I’m so sorry…”

“And I’m sorry I got to you broken. I can’t promise anything, but I will… try to get better.”

“You have nothing to promise about! I’m the one who… the one who needs to get better. I have to learn to respect your boundaries.”

“There should be no boundaries between us. You can do whatever you want to me this week. Just… please be gentle.”

She shook her head. “No, Navarone. You gave me your trust. I refuse to abuse it. Mares… we get temperamental during estrus. We have spikes of jealousy. Be careful mentioning your… past affairs with me. During this week, at least. Later, we can discuss what they did and didn’t do for you.”

God, that’s going to be a terrible conversation. ‘So, what was your first time like?’ ‘I got raped by two friends that I trusted too much.’ ‘…’

“How about this: There are six days left in estrus. You get three, I get three. No complaints from either side. We both go slow. We both explore. If we like what we find, good. If not, we never do it again.”

She mumbled something that I assumed was assent.

“Now, how about we get off the moon?” I asked. She sighed and we teleported back down to her bedroom.

“I’m hungry,” she said after a minute of just holding me.

“Well, let’s go get food.” That’s when I saw the look on her face. She was giving me bedroom eyes. I found myself stretched out again, held down by magic.

“It’s a good thing you never put your clothes back on…” she said before taking my length in her mouth.

“Luna, you doooooon’t have to do this.” She didn’t say anything. It would have been hard to, with her mouth full.

I wasn’t trying to prolong this for her, so I felt myself nearing my peak about ten minutes in. Her tongue was doing everything it could to get me there, too. She spent a lot of time circling my head and running up and down my member, trying to coax out my lust.

She finally got what she was looking for. I gasped and forced out, “I’m about to—” She moaned deeply, vibrating against me and finally getting me to lose it. I exploded down her throat. I saw a smile as she let it all slide down.

She pulled away. “Since we’re being all honest and stuff, next time touch me some. Rub my ears. Play with my mane. Control me a bit with your hands.”

“I would have, but you were kind of holding me still with magic. You still are, actually.”

She blushed a bit and the magic holding me in place disappeared. “Let’s go get lunch, then,” she said. “When we get back we can… continue.”

And thus day one ended with more boring old—yeah right—sex. All things told, I preferred that day.

The next day, she tried to have sex with me in the shower before I explained why that would be a bad idea and no fun for anyone. Then she tried to have sex with me before we left for breakfast and I had to explain that we would miss breakfast because she sure wouldn’t stop once she got started.

So all in all, Luna was a little bit grumpy when we finally made it down to the dining hall. I knew I would probably end up regretting that.

Thankfully, Celestia didn’t bring up whatever Luna tried to do. I never asked Luna what she was going to do and I really don’t want to know. I figured I would have a harder time forgiving her if I understood what was at risk.

Less thankfully, Luna rushed us out of breakfast very quickly. I had already decided to let her have first go, since I had a plan of sorts for the last day. Of course, I had a plan for only the last day, so I still needed to come up with things to do to her. I was hoping to have time to think during whatever she had planned for me.

She made me wait in the anteroom for ten minutes. When she finally dragged me inside with a big smile on her face, I know I was in for hell.

I looked at the device on the table. “Is that a fucking sybian?” I asked.

“How did you know? Do they have something like it where you come from?”

“Yeah. So you’re going to be strapped in that?”

I did not like her smile. I did not like her smile at all. And when she pulled out the stones, I knew I was really, really in for hell.

“That’s it, I’m throwing those things in the ocean.” My voice changed in the middle of that, when I got hit by the pink one.

“Oh, but they’re so much fun! You make such a gorgeous mare…” And with that, my clothes were pulled off and I became one.

I hate being a mare so much. It feels so different from being a stallion for some reason. Like, one change about me is bad enough. Changing my gender and my species is just hell.

But I said no complaints. I’m an idiot, apparently.

“So how exactly are you going to get off to watching me get tortured on this thing?” I asked.

“About that. Celestia decided to give me loads of work today. So you’re going to be here. Alone. On this thing.” She smiled. “And you’re going to be wearing my own special collar.”

“And what does that do, exactly?”

Her smile turned dark. “You won’t be able to find release.” I felt my ears droop. She chuckled at that. “It’ll only be for a few… oh, hours, probably. I do have a lot of paperwork. I had something else planned, but then you so thoughtfully put that stipulation out yesterday… Well, I’d have to be a fool not to use it!” I hate myself so much right now it hurts. I could feel my tail curling underneath my body. Hell, my feet even involuntarily started shuffling backwards, away from her and her evil machine. She saw that and her horn lit up, lifting me. “Now Nav, don’t be like that. It was your idea, after all.”

I sighed. “Keep it on low,” I whispered as she sat me down on the device. She strapped my legs in somehow so I couldn’t move.

“No promises.” I flinched as I felt something large and unwelcome slowly slide into me. Apparently she had lubed the machine up already. And thankfully, she didn’t have any kind of anal attachment on this thing. Then she flicked a switch and I felt something smaller and even more unwelcome prodding against my back hole. She saw my widened eyes and pulled me in a hug. “Just relax,” she whispered. I felt the thing slowly slide in, squeezing past the fear-induced clenching. “Now, it doesn’t hurt, does it?”

“Not physically,” I quietly answered. It did hurt me a bit that Luna would do this to me, knowing my aversion for it. Sure, I said anything goes, but I honestly wasn’t expecting her to do something she knew I hated.

“Good enough.” She pushed a button and I jerked as the machine started vibrating. “Magic can do all kinds of fun things,” she idly commented as she pushed more buttons. I felt something settle against my clitoris and start vibrating as well. Then the rod up my bum joined the frenzy, buzzing as well. “Oh, almost forgot the most important part!” Her horn lit up and a collar floated its way over to me and wrapped around my neck. “Now, only I can take this thing off. It’s enchanted that way on purpose.” She looked back down at her controls. “This is low.” And it was already driving me fucking crazy. She turned a dial. I gasped as the buzzing doubled. “This is medium.” She turned the dial up even more and I whimpered at the mix of pain and pleasure that assaulted me. She grinned and looked up. “And that’s where I’ll be leaving you today.”

“P-please,” I gasped. Before I could say anything else, a ball-gag fit itself around my mouth.

“You’re welcome!” she cheerily said. She leaned in and kissed me on the nose. “I’ll see you in a few hours, my love.” She trotted out the door, humming a song to herself. Or maybe that humming noise was just the buzzing in my insides that was already driving me crazy.

I tried taking a few deep breaths only to find each one punctuated by a flinch as the machine changed in frequency. I tried zoning out like I usually do only to find that my mind was too distracted by the horrifying pleasure in my nethers. I tried a campaign trick one of the slaves taught me in Egypt, but it had been too long since I used it that I couldn’t get in the zone.

I was trapped. Locked in a fucking machine. For who knows how long.

It was a terrifying thought, and when I got out I was going to ensure that it never happened again.

I don’t want to talk about the five. Fucking. Hours. That I was trapped in that thing. I don’t want to talk about the hate I felt for Luna, or the fear that I was trapped in that thing forever, or the whole ‘how did it come to this’ phase I went through for a while.

My mind hated every second of it.

And my body loved it. I’m normally quiet for reasons I’ve already established, but my body was moaning and whimpering like there was no tomorrow. I felt a burning in my entire body, an itch that needed to be scratched. I don’t know how long my wings had been outstretched, but the muscles in them were sore. My mind wanted out of this contraption, but my body wanted the collar gone. I tried pushing at it a few times, to find that I couldn’t even move it.

Luna waltzed back in with a small smile on her face. She walked right in front of me. I don’t know how long she was standing there before I was able to notice her. When she saw my eyes lock on, her horn glowed and the gag slipped down. “Well—”

“TURN IT OFF!”

“But—”

“OFF!”

She sighed. “Oh, very well.” She pressed a button and the machine stopped. I felt my entire body slump. I think there were tears in my eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Disappointed you didn’t get to cum?”

“Never again,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “Fuck this, fuck those stones, and fuck you.” She shrugged and pressed a button. The machine roared back to life and my entire body straightened. I let out a moan before I could help it.

“Oh, it seems part of you liked it.”

“Please, stop it!”

“Oh, I think you’ll have to do better than that.”

Oh God, why did I have to forgive her? I could have gone and lived a semi-normal life away from sadistic princesses, but nooooo.

I clenched my jaw shut, denying her anything.

She smirked at my defiance. “I’m feeling generous. If you eat me out and make me cum, I’ll take the collar off. Does that seem fair?” I shook my head. “Well, I could always just leave for a few more hours. I’m sure I can find something to do.” I let out an involuntary whimper at the thought of being in this thing for any longer. “What was that?”

“P-please…”

“Please what?”

“Please let me out.”

“Oh no, you’re not going free until I have what I want. And,” she said, stroking one of my wings with her hoof, “you have what you want. Now let me hear you say it.”

“G-give me what I want.”

“And what do you want?” she whispered, leaning in closer.

“T-t-to… c-c-cum.” I don’t even want to talk about the shame I felt. At that point I just wanted to curl into a ball and never see Luna again.

She leaned in the rest of the way and kissed me for a moment before pulling back. “I’m first, of course,” she said. “I hope that tongue of yours is ready.” She lifted me from the table and set me on the floor. I moaned when the machine impacted the floor and jolted. She giggled. “Oops, how clumsy of me.” With that, she turned around and let her tail drift out of the way. I saw how wet she was. That was all I had time to see before I thrust my face in. Anything to get out of this thing.

I viciously attacked her clit, trying to get her to cum as fast as possible. She started backing up a bit, grinding into my face. I didn’t care, I was just trying to get this over with. When I didn’t get the results I wanted from her clit, I shoved my tongue inside. She giggled a bit at my desperation. With that infernal buzzing inside me, I couldn’t concentrate enough to use any real skill, so my tongue was essentially flailing around inside of her. This isn’t working. This isn’t working at all!

I took a deep breath and shoved my muzzle inside her, letting my tongue go deeper and using my entire face as a fuck-toy. She gasped and pulled away for a second only to sigh and lean back on me. With the new depth of my tongue, I was able to hit better spots. She finally came a minute after I shoved my face in, which was good because I was starting to see spots from holding my breath. I pulled out and breathed in deep, just in time for the collar to click off and for my mind to shut down at the explosion of pleasure I felt.

I think I fucking fainted for a few minutes there. When I came to, I was lying on the floor, that machine finally taken out of me. I was still a mare, though.

Luna was standing over me, smiling. “Well?” she asked.

I was still trying to catch my breath. My entire body was sore and my nethers still tingled. “I’m… done,” I gasped.

Her smile dropped. “What?”

“I’m opting out,” I said, my voice back. “I claimed that right before we started. I said if you went too far, I was done. As soon as you turn me back, I’m going home.”

“But… you said…” She started crying. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did!”

“I thought…” She sobbed. “Oh Celestia, why?!” She lifted me into a tight hug, crying over my shoulder. “Please, give me a second chance!”

“This was your second chance!” She just hugged me tighter.

“I’m a terrible special somepony!” she sobbed. I couldn’t really deny that. I wanted to comfort her, but at the same time, I wanted to just leave. I settled for doing nothing. I don’t think I could have moved far anyway. Why is it that I’m so good at making mares cry? Or maybe it’s just Luna. She sure was going at it over my shoulder. “Please don’t leave me,” she finally wailed.

“You have that fucking sybian. Why would you even need me?”

“Because I love you! That machine can’t give me love… Please, don’t leave me here to fight this alone!”

“I gave you two chances. It’s been two days. You fucked up both times. How do I know the next time won’t be worse?”

“You said we could try anything…”

“I wasn’t expecting you to do something you knew I didn’t want to do!”

“Please don’t break up with me!”

“First, we’re not technically dating yet. Second, why would I break this off over something like this? I know you’re not in your right mind. I just can’t keep doing this. So, I’m opting out. You stay here and do whatever you want to yourself while I go home and not get raped or whatever you had planned for the other two days.” She finally pushed me away a bit, so she could look me in the eyes. Given that I was a mare with a face covered in her fluids, the effect was probably lessened.

“Tomorrow is yours. You can have the rest of the week, even! Just… just don’t leave me…”

“The problem with that is I didn’t have anything planned for two of the days I already had. I have no imagination and no real interest to try new things. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to, but I would never initiate it myself. I was planning on just fucking you for those other two days.”

“That’s fine! That’s perfectly fine! We can even do that all week, if it means you wouldn’t leave!” I didn’t respond for a few seconds. She gulped and said, “Well… I might spice things up a little on my days…”

I sighed. “I have a few conditions on which I won’t leave. I have the power to veto anything and stop anything. You wear the ring and can’t do anything magical to me. You are welcome to experiment, but ask before you do something. If I say no, you don’t do it. When your estrus ends, we talk about my past sexcapades. I’ll tell you everything, including why I hate magic—with the caveat that you swear to do nothing with the information.”

“No magic…” She was silent for a moment. “Deal.” Her horn lit up and I felt myself shift back to a human. I was still a female, though. “So you’ll stay?” she asked as I stretched a bit.

“Yes. As long as you hold by the conditions I set down, I will stay.” She beamed and flattened me to the floor with a hug. “Watch the wings!” And the boobs… She pulled me back up with a sheepish smile.

“Your body is a lot more squishy now,” she commented, poking at one of the breasts. “What are these? I remembered them from when I was a human, but…”

I gently pushed her onto her back and spread her legs. Her smile widened. I pointed out her oddly placed nipples. For those of you that don’t know—not like anyone is reading this anyway, you fucking perverts—ponies have nipples on their lower stomachs. “These,” I said cupping a breast, “are these.” I poked one of her nipples. “Our women hold infants up so they can feed. Though I’ve seen infants here and they aren’t anything like horse foals where I come from.” I shrugged. “Just another difference. Now, where did those stones go?”

She looked a bit more uncertain now and her legs curled up a bit as she turned on her side. “Promise you won’t be mad…”

“No. Where are they?”

She looked away. “I may have… loaned them out.”

“What.”

She flinched at my tone and looked back at me. “I’ll get them back in the morning! I… I had some more things planned, but…” She sighed. “I still have those old toys, if you want to… you know.”

I rolled my shoulders. “I don’t think I could take any kind of stimulation right now. What you did to me was fucking torture. Besides, isn’t it about time for your lunch?”

“I ate before I came back.” Fucking bitch. “We could just… cuddle.”

“I’m going to need a lot of water before I can do that. But yeah, it does sound nice. And it would give me a chance to recuperate.” She gave me a weak smile. I tried getting to my feet to find that my legs were too shaky from that horrible experience. “I can’t get up.”

She rolled her eyes and picked me off the floor with magic. She gently floated me over to the bed and set me down. “I’ll be right back.”

“Or you could just give me my canteen.”

She eyed my clothes. “You still carry that thing?” She shrugged and floated it over. I took it from the air and greedily drank it down. When it was empty, I tossed it back to my clothes. She shook her head at that. “So messy. That’s okay in your room, but in mine?”

“I can’t exactly move my legs. You want to bitch about it, feel free to do something about it.”

Her horn lit up again and my bag and the clothes I left strewn about it all flattened over against the wall. “You can deal with it later. Now, shall we?”

Like I really had a choice. She jumped up next to me on the bed and wrapped her legs around me, pulling me close. She giggled as my new breasts squished against her. “I think I like you like this,” she said.

“That’s nice. I don’t like me like this, and it’s my body. Who did you even lend those damn stones to?”

“Oh, just a friend. I expect she’s making her husband squeal right now.”

I really didn’t want to know that.

I sighed and just let myself mold around her.

In the morning, a visibly disturbed Shining Armor dropped the stones off. “Throw them in the ocean,” he whispered to me. “Don’t ever let Cadance get them again!”

“I feel your pain, bro. I feel your fucking pain.”

With that, I touched the proper stone and went to fucking sleep.

Day Three

“So… what do you think about anal?” I asked.

Her face just lit up. “I knew you’d change your mind! Let me go get the strap-on!”

Oh hell no! “Not what I meant! Not what I meant at all, sweet Jesus.”

She seemed to sink in a bit. “Oh… So then what… Oh! You want to… okay. Let me just go… get the lube! Yes, we must have that.” She left the room. For a moment, I thought I might have fucked up, which I honestly didn’t care that much about. Then she came back in with a large bottle of lube.

“Luna, if you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I just suggested it because I really don’t have anything planned until the last day.” The only plan I had at all, actually. I was hoping to have our first real semi-romantic date. Get out of the palace, find a nice place for a picnic or something.

“If… if you want to…”

“I don’t, if it will make you uncomfortable. Just put that bottle down and we’ll fuck like rabbits.”

She let out a sigh of relief and set the bottle down on a table. She looked to me with a grin. “I know you don’t much like it… but would you mind if I used my other form today? Everything feels more bestial and filling in it.”

“As long as you let me take the lead, then yes. And as long as you let me have the chance to say no if it gets to that.”

“Of course! Don’t worry about a thing, Nav. I won’t do anything you say I can’t.”

I nodded. “Then let’s begin, shall we?” With a grin that turned into a nasty smirk, she transformed into Nightmare Moon. I still couldn’t help but shudder as I beheld her evil form, but I knew that Luna was in there somewhere. And since I was in control…

Wait… I forgot how fucking tall Nightmare Moon was.

I sighed. “Guess I’m on bottom yet again.”

“That’s where you belong anyway. Now, to the bed!” Ouch, my feelings. I shrugged and hopped on the bed. I was quickly ponified, which gave me an idea for my next day: Turn her into a human and fuck her that way. I’m tired of always sexing as a pony.

She wasted no time attaching herself to me.

Look, the sex was pretty boring, all things told. I mean, it was fun, but it wasn’t something worth describing. Pretty much just her bouncing up and down on me, insulting me a few times, complimenting me a few times when Luna shone through, and me attempting to keep up but failing miserably because I’m not a mare in heat.

We took a break for lunch and were quickly back at it again.

All things told, it was fun and probably the best day.

Day Four

This is the day Luna fucked up.

“Nav, I want to try something… different today.”

“Different isn’t always good, Luna. What do you want to do?”

“I want to try an old thing called mind melding.”

“I don’t know if I like the sound of that. What is it with you and old crazy shit?”

“Nav, I was trapped on the moon for a thousand years. Forgive me for being old fashioned.”

“So what would it entail, exactly?”

“I’ve never tried it. Unicorns of old would use it to become one with each other. It was a great, safe way of trying new things.”

“I’m not so sure about that. I don’t like the idea of you being in my mind.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“After the week I’ve had? Shit…”

“We would share control, Nav. I couldn’t do anything to you that you couldn’t stop.”

I mulled over it for a few seconds. I didn’t really want to, but I didn’t figure it could hurt. I sighed and said, “Sure. What do we need to do?”

“Just sit there and relax. I’ll do all the work.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before nodding. I felt her horn touch my head and then I felt my mind collapse inward.

I felt my body look around, though I didn’t think I had any control over it. When I saw Luna, my mouth smiled. She answered it with one of her own.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

Odd, is what I wanted to answer. Instead, my body said, “Great. Better, now that I see you.” What the fuck?

I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Or at least, I think I would have if I had been in control of my body anymore.

Her smile deepened and she blushed lightly. “You’re just as I imagined you would be,” she whispered.

That gave me a bit of a hint and a very large amount of terror. First, Luna said that only unicorns used to do that. Second, back when I was helping Shining Armor, when he realized that he had magic, he had complete control of my mind.

I think I just gave Luna the ability to turn me into whatever she imagined me to be—and to make me want whatever she wants me to want. It was a terrifying thought, one I didn’t want to be true.

It started okay, with her doing some odd stuff. You know, cookie dough on dick, she heated it up with magic, it constricted and she ate it off.

Then it went weird, stuff I didn’t like at all—watersports, if you’re interested. If we weren’t in our minds, I would fear that I would never get the smell out of my nose.

And then it went fucking terrifying.

“Nav, how do you feel about… blood?” By all rights, we both should have been panting after the last strange as fuck thing we did, but there was no exhaustion in here.

I wanted to shake my head and say hell no, but I felt my body smiling and say, “I’m a warrior, Luna. I love it.” That wasn’t fucking true at all.

The nervous look left her face and she grinned, raising up on her hind legs a bit and clopping her hooves together. “I knew you wouldn’t judge me! Now, how do you feel about pain?”

“After so many wounds, I’ve begun to enjoy it.” Oh God what. What kind of sick fuck does she think I am? I had long ago realized what I thought earlier about her making me what she wanted was true. My body was willing to do whatever she asked, and most of it involved demeaning me in some way.

Her grin turned dark. The meadow we had been in for all the other events turned into a small chamber with stone walls, with implements of torture hung around it. Manacles stood on one wall and a table covered in chains sat in the center.

“To the table,” she commanded. My body went, forced to do her bidding by magic most foul. My physical body was probably shaking in fear right now.

Luna chained me down. Each arm was tied down. There was a special slot on the table for my wings. I maneuvered them through and she locked them in place. My legs were tied. Then she looped one more around my stomach for good measure. I could fidget, but not escape. Not that her version of me wanted to anyway.

“You can’t technically die in here,” she told me as she looked over the walls, “but you can get kicked out. So, what does my warrior suggest I use?”

My body looked around the wall as best it could before settling on Luna with a grin I didn’t like. “Your horn.”

Long story short, blood does not make a good lube.

I woke up, screaming. Luna’s look of dreamy happiness turned to confusion. She reached a hoof out and I swatted it away, tumbling out of bed. I slammed my hands into my pockets, feverishly trying to find the ring. As soon as I found it, I put it on.

“What’s wrong?” Luna asked, trying to calm me down and taking a slow step toward me. I backed away from her, toward the door.

“Stay away from me!” I frantically pawed for the door knob, not looking away from her. When I found it, I slammed the door open and bolted the fuck away. I got out of her room and as far away as possible from her as quickly as possible.

When I couldn’t hear the sounds of her chasing me anymore, I made a straight beeline for Celestia’s room, because I did not want to see Luna at all right then. I couldn’t fly away because she could teleport me back and try to talk me into staying again, and after that, there was no way in hell I was going to be anywhere near her.

“I need to speak to Celestia,” I told the guards at her door.

“She’s asleep,” one of them answered.

“Don’t care. Need to see her. Right now.”

“You can’t. She’s sleeping.”

“You have two choices. You let me in or I force my way in. Don’t pick choice two.”

One of the guards was a unicorn and the other was a pegasus. They both smirked at that. “Make my day, dark knight,” the unicorn laughed.

He stopped laughing when I smashed my hand into the face of the pegasus. Have you ever punched a horse? It hurts like a bitch and their teeth are really hard. But their snouts are pretty sensitive, so this guy dropped hard.

I whirled on the unicorn. His look of shock lasted about a second before his face hardened and his horn started glowing. Nothing happened and the shock returned. My foot met his throat and he went down, trying and failing to breathe.

I quickly let myself in and just as quickly shut the door. I made my way to her bedroom as quietly as possible and sank to the floor. Celestia was silently slumbering away. Just being near her was good enough for me. I did my best to lean against the wall and catch what fitful and nightmare-filled sleep I could get.

I don’t know what time I woke up, but it was day out and Celestia was gone. I know she had to have noticed me there, because I was kind of out of place. I achingly got to my feet and approached the door. I saw a note taped to it and read through it: “Luna told me what happened. I suggest seeing me before going home, but I will not require you to.”

I opened the door and saw all my stuff in the next room, all packed nice and neat. I grabbed my bag and started walking to the palace exit. I wouldn’t risk flying home, so I had to take the train.

A few hours later, I was walking off the train into Ponyville and really regretting having no alcohol. I just went home, got Zecora, and had her put me to sleep for a long time.

(Sex is over)

I don’t want to talk about the week of Luna’s estrus. I gave up halfway through. I feel no shame in it at all, as she essentially tortured me. When I fled back to Ponyville, I was actually afraid to take my ring off for a while. I had to get Zecora to mix me a potion to put me to sleep so I could recover.

While I was waiting for her estrus to end, I got some thinking done. A lot of thinking about some uncomfortable topics. I came to some unhappy conclusions.

A few days after Luna’s estrus was supposed to end, I sent a letter to Celestia. Short and to the point: “We need to talk.”

She responded within ten minutes: “I’ll meet you at Fluttershy’s cottage in half an hour.”

I was still wearing my ring, so she couldn’t teleport me to her and she couldn’t pinpoint me to teleport to me. Fluttershy’s pad is outside of town and usually empty, since Fluttershy is often out and about with either her animals or her friends.

So I left the tree house and went to Fluttershy’s bush house. When I got there, I climbed up to her roof and sat up there waiting for Celestia. I didn’t figure Fluttershy was in, but I also didn’t really care.

Surprisingly, Celestia came alone. I figured she would bring guards or something. I kind of wondered how she pulled that off.

I hopped down from the roof and walked over to meet her. “How did you get out here alone?” I asked.

“I’m the princess; I do what I want. My guards were not very happy with it, but oh well. And Luna was even more distraught with you.”

“Did she tell you… what she did?”

“Yes. That is why I didn’t even try to ask you to stay. When she told me what else she did, I couldn’t help but wonder how you stayed so long.”

“Because I’m fucking stupid, I guess. I honestly don’t know. Let’s walk. I don’t want to risk freaking Fluttershy out if she comes out here.”

I started leading her into the fields surrounding Ponyville.

“I know you didn’t ask me out here just to walk with me, Nav. What’s on your mind?”

“I need your opinion on something, and some confirmations if possible. Has Luna ever been romantically involved with anyone else?”

“Back before Nightmare Moon, yes. She was always relatively chaste, though. Times were different back then.”

“How did she treat them?”

“I do not pry into her business. Again, times were different back then. I couldn’t tell you.”

“Were they arranged things, or things she found herself?”

“Arranged, most of them. She’s had other dalliances that I was not aware of, I’m sure.”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t think Luna loves me, Celestia. I think she’s in love with a mix of my human ancestry, me being the first guy to ever really give her even attention, and because you arranged this for her. I don’t think she actually loves me.”

Celestia stopped. “What do you mean?”

“I got to thinking about it after what she did. Celestia, I gave her three chances with some very simple rules. She fucked up big time. I don’t think she knows me at all. I think she’s basing her feelings of me off the notes Twilight gave her about humanity, about how we’re warlike and tough or something. I think what she wants is a subservient warrior figure that she can say she tamed and dominated.”

“And what… what led you to this conclusion?”

“What she did to me was bad. So much blood… Celestia, she took me to a place where I saw exactly what she wanted me to be. And when she saw that I was willing to do whatever, she showed me her true self. Her hidden desires. I can’t be what she wants me to be and I can’t do any of what she really wants. I actually tear up and shake in fear when I think about what she did.” I shook my head. “I can’t make it work, Celestia. She hurt me too bad this time. I know it was her estrus. I know she was out of it. But I’m actually afraid of facing her again. I’m afraid of telling her that I want nothing to do with her.”

Celestia looked quite shocked at that. “So. No more chance at a relationship with her, end of the seven years or not?”

“What would you do? She abused me too many times. I’ve been raped enough. I don’t want to be tortured by someone I thought loved me. I fear that if I stay with her, that’s what it will become. She’s had her chances and I’m not giving her any more. I don’t think she loved me. At least, not the way I thought she did. Lovers don’t do what she did.”

“And you can’t be convinced to try one more time?”

“All the one more times I’ve ever given anyone failed. I gave Luna her one more time twice. I’m not giving her another. I’m sorry, Celestia. I know it’s going to make your life hell for a month or two, but fuck her. I just wanted your advice on how to do it.”

She pawed at the ground. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Celestia do something nervous like that before. “You are still her knight.”

“Yes, I am. Depending on how she takes the news, I will remain her knight. It will probably be awkward for a while, but I can’t be with her romantically.”

“...I see your point. And yes, you might be correct. I will talk with her. I will talk with her. Tomorrow night, you will talk with her. Not wearing your ring will be a sign of trust, but I would not judge you for wearing it. For now, keep it on. Perhaps between the two of us, we can sort this out with a minimum of pain.”

“I hope so. I do not want to hurt her. I really, really don’t.” Especially since she’s a fucking psychopath that might try to get revenge. “I wouldn’t mind being her friend. I just can’t keep opening myself up like that if she’s just going to keep hurting me.”

“I understand perfectly, Nav. And I do not blame you in the slightest. I just wish… Well, wishes don’t get you anywhere. I found that out a long time ago. Is there anything else you need, before I go and try to plan out one of the more awkward conversations I will have?”

“Just one thing.” I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you.” I felt her head rest on my shoulder. “And you smell nice.” I let her go. “Good luck, Celestia.”

“If only I didn’t need it. Until tomorrow, Nav.” She raised her massive wings and shot into the air.

This is really going to suck.

The next night came way too quickly for my liking. I was nervous as hell all day, constantly fiddling with my ring, trying to decide if I wanted to wear it or to not wear it. I knew that Celestia would be watching, but I didn’t know if she would be able to react quickly enough to help me if Luna did overreact.

I wasn’t expecting her to try to hurt me, honestly. I mean, we were both adults. I figured she would likely get emotional, but I didn’t think she would explode. In the end, I decided to carry the ring but not wear it.

Much sooner than I wanted it to, the note came from Spike for me to take my ring off. I did, and a moment later appeared next to Celestia in that evil sitting room. “Well?” I asked.

“She’s upset. She took it about as well as I expected, all things told. You being her first real love, she’s very unhappy that she messed it up so badly.”

“When can I talk to her?”

“I told her when she woke up yesterday. She was mulling it over all last night. I let her sleep on it. When she wakes up, you will talk to her.”

“Any suggestions?”

“Don’t say anything about staying friends. Don’t say anything about what could have been. Those are like telling a girl she can see the sun but never feel its warmth. It’s perfectly fine to stay friends, if you two can manage it, but she doesn’t need to hear that right now.”

“I don’t know if she would mind not feeling the sun again. She doesn’t get out much during the day.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just trying to lighten the mood. This is gonna be kinda miserable.”

“Quite. Now, enough of her. I am interested in how you are taking this. After so long of not being able to feel love, you finally give one who feels it to you a chance. How are you feeling?”

I sagged a bit in the chair I was in. “I don’t like it worth a damn, Celestia. It hurts. But I think I would get hurt worse if I stayed. I’m not about to let one bad experience ruin that for me. Just because this fell through doesn’t mean everything will.” Of course, that doesn’t mean I ever remembered how to feel it in the first place.

She nodded. “I’m happy to hear you say that. I wish you luck in your future attempts, wherever you search. And as always, remember that I am here for you.”

“I think Luna would be a little pissed if I dumped her and immediately started macking on her sister.”

She blushed a bit. “That isn’t quite what I meant. Although I wouldn’t exactly be opposed… You already know how I feel about you. But you are correct. Luna would most definitely not be pleased at that.” She smirked. “Though I wouldn’t tell her if you needed a rebound lay.”

“I don’t really think that would end well. As fun as it would be, I really want to take a break from sex for a few weeks. What she did just kind of killed it for me.”

“I understand. I will leave you here for now, if you aren’t opposed. When she eats, I will tell her where you are. And if you leave your ring off, I will watch over you. I love and trust my sister, but I don’t want to take chances.”

“Awesome. You go and do your thing. I can chill here for some time. Oh, random thought: How pissed were your guards?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I slept in your room that one night. How mad were your guards?”

“They were perfectly fine. They said that you walked up, politely asked to be let in, and they let you right in. I was a little angry that they didn’t check to see if you were a changeling, but I suppose they knew you were in the palace and didn’t want to risk waking me up.”

“What saints. Well, you go on ahead and do your princess thing. I’ll be waiting here.”

She nodded and stood. “Just try to be gentle.” With that last bit of advice, she left.

“And now we play the waiting game,” I said to the empty room.

Some hours later, the door quietly slid open. Luna walked in and looked around. “Um. I guess he—”

“BOO!” I yelled as I landed on her back. She screamed and bolted into the room. A moment later, she remembered she had magic and I was ripped off her back. “Oh, I wish I had seen the look on your face,” I managed to gasp out between laughs.

“That was not funny! I could have hurt you!”

“Yeah, well.” Didn’t stop you a few days ago. “Can you set me down now?”

“Hmph.” The magic around me dropped. Thankfully, I caught myself and managed to not smack my ass on the floor. “I must say, though, that was certainly one way to change the mood. I came in here ready to cry, and now I just want to yell at you.”

“Yeah, I’m good like that. Come, have a seat. I fear we have things to discuss.”

“I really… I don’t know if I want to stay here.” She sighed. I shrugged and grabbed a chair.

“You’re welcome to stand if you want, but I was holding onto the roof for a while and my legs are sore.”

For a second I thought I could hear her teeth grinding before she let out yet another sigh. “Very well.” She claimed a couch. “So. Is this it then?”

I leaned back as much as I could with my damnable wings. “Unfortunately, yes. I’m not going to let myself continue to get abused while waiting for you to sort out issues. I trust you understand where I’m coming from.”

“Sadly, I do. And you are absolutely correct. About… a lot of things. I’m so, so sorry. But sorry doesn’t take back what I did. I will… attempt to change. Even if… even if you never give me another chance, there might be others. And I will not do to somepony else what I did to you. If you are still willing to be my knight, I want your word that you will do your best to make sure that I treat anypony I claim to love with the respect they deserve.”

“You got it, Luna. I’m chill with being your knight. We cool?”

“What?”

“Is everything okay between us?”

“No. But it’s as good as it’s going to be for a little while. This hurts me quite a bit, as I’m sure it does you. But… I have experience in dealing with heartbreak. All I need is time. What of you? How is this making you feel?”

“It hurts, same as you. It’s just… I think it would hurt more staying.” She seemed to flinch a bit at that, before nodding.

“So that’s it then.”

I stood. “Yep.” I held out my hand. She eyed it for a moment before holding out a hoof. I grabbed it and shook it. “Also, these shoes you wear are really cold. Like, every time you touched me I shivered. So you might want to think about that.” I saw a small smile on her face before she turned away. “I’ll see you later, Luna. I need to get back to Ponyville.”

“Of course, Nav.”

I left her there in that sitting room. I don’t know how long she sat there. I just jumped out the next window and flew back home.

All things told, that could have been a lot worse.

Chapter Forty-Nine—A Visit from a Friend

Chapter Forty-Nine—A Visit from a Friend

I was roused from my slumber late one December night by fire on my feet. I jerked awake with a holler that would have woken everyone in the house up if they weren’t already awake and staring at me. “What the fuck, Twilight?”

“Two colts are lost in the Everfree!”

“Good for them. Let me know when it’s morning so I can go hunt for their bodies.” I tried to settle back down, but I suddenly felt energy coursing through my veins. “Fine! I’m up, I’m up!” I tossed my legs off the side and stood up. I saw a worried looking Twilight, a tired looking Spike, and a bored looking Taya all staring at me. “Where did they disappear?”

“The last anypony saw, they were going in near Fluttershy’s home,” Twilight said. “We don’t know why they went in, but one of them was carrying a camera and the other was carrying a wooden sword.”

Fucking… I reached over and grabbed my crossbow and the bolts. The sword followed them. I didn’t have time to put my armor on and I didn’t figure I would need it either way. “I’ll be back when I’m back. Hopefully they’ll be fine.” With that, I jumped out my window, flying to the forest. Fuck it’s cold… Should have gotten a jacket. I knew the kids probably didn’t have much time, so I didn’t go back for one.

I made it to the forest quickly enough. I landed at the entrance near Fluttershy’s cabin and started looking for tracks. Luna’s magic eyes helped tremendously for that; I found the tracks within five minutes. I started running into the forest, watching out for any signs.

I found two colts an hour after I started running. They were just walking into the forest like it wasn’t full of monsters or anything like that. One was a little kid named Pipsqueak and the other was named Featherweight or something. “What the hell are you two doing in here?” I whispered, gripping them both by the scruff of their necks.

“Monster hunting, Sir Navarone! Are you here to help?” Pip said, his voice cracking. When he opened his mouth to talk, the wooden sword fell out of his mouth.

“I told him it was a bad idea, Sir Navarone!” Featherweight spoke up. He had a camera around his neck. “But he didn’t listen, he never does.”

I did a quick mental calculation. The sun was going to be coming up in a few hours. I don’t know how the hell these two little kids were still alive. I couldn’t run with them both and they couldn’t keep up with me if I ran alone. We might not make it if I walked them out, especially not at night. Zecora’s house was too far. The abandoned castle, though… “Alright, we’re going to a safe house until the sun comes up. Do whatever I tell you to. Do not talk loudly. Do not lose sight of me. Do not step where I don’t step. And if I tell you to run, run until you get out of the forest.” I set them down. “Let’s go.”

Pipsqueak picked up his sword. Featherweight asked, “Why did you come out here, anyway?”

“Because you aren’t supposed to be in the forest.” I started walking. They jumped to keep me in sight; it was dark in this place. “This place is dangerous. Very dangerous. You two are lucky you didn’t run into anything that thought you were a treat. I know a griffin that would be hesitant to walk this place. Hell, I am hesitant to enter this place without a good reason.”

“Then why—” Pipsqueak started, too loud.

“Shh! Whisper.”

“Then why did you spend so much time here in the past?”

“Princess Luna ordered it. Most of the animals can’t see me here anyway, unless I get unlucky. I have a tree to thank for that.”

“But… I’m doing this for Princess Luna!” Pipsqueak whispered.

“I know she didn’t order you in here. Don’t try to tell me she did.”

“I want to prove myself to her!”

“There ain’t nothing wrong with that, but you’re going about it the whole wrong way. Next time she’s in the area, I’ll bring her to you.”

“But… she hasn’t been here in years!”

“Princesses are busy. Just trust me, Pip: this isn’t the way for you to earn her favor. I’m her knight, I would know.”

“How did you do it, then?”

Being the right species. Saying the right—or maybe wrong—things. Killing sapient monsters. “I was smart. I waited until I knew a bit more of what I was doing—and when I had better weapons—before trying to kill any monsters. At least wait until you have your cutie mark before you start trying to earn a lady’s favor. And ask your parents first.” He sighed, but thankfully dropped it.

I had us stop a few times before we got to the entrance of the castle. I heard a few critters that were ominously close to us, but thankfully nothing tried to attack us. The portcullis was mostly rotted, now that it was finally able to hit the ground. We stepped over it and what was left of the skeleton of the manticore and finally got into the castle proper.

They looked around in wonder. “What is this place?” Featherweight asked.

“The old capital of Equestria, or something like that,” I answered. “This is where the princesses used to live over a thousand years ago. How are you two not freezing?”

They gave me an odd look. “Our winter coats are in. Are you cold?”

“I’ll be fine.” Hopefully. “Who wants to learn how to make a fire with sticks?”

“Not me,” Pipsqueak said.

“Not me either,” Featherweight added. “I want to explore the castle!”

“You two can’t even see in the dark. What are you planning on doing?”

They looked at each other for a moment before looking around. They could probably barely see the entrance room we were in, with the moonlight coming in from outside. They looked back to me and shrugged.

“That’s what I thought. You two just lie down and go to sleep. I’ll keep watch.”

“But I’m not tired! I want to hunt monsters!” Pipsqueak said.

“Too bad. If you can’t sleep, at least lay down.”

They did so. Pip looked sullen and Feather looked tired. I stood near them, watching the door. Not fifteen minutes later, they were both asleep.

Two hours after they fell asleep, I started hearing creaking outside. That sound means one thing in the forest: Timberwolves. And Timberwolves hunt in packs. They were the only animals that ever knew I was there, but they appeared to have some manner of respect or something for me. I don’t know if it was because of the tree thing or because I was a human, but they occasionally would walk up to me and rub against me, wagging their wooden tails.

Well, all this was after the first time I met them. That ended poorly for the wolf, who tried to take a bite out of me and was met with a sword to the brainpan.

But while this pack might react kindly to me, I doubt they would to the ponies. I moved in front of their sleeping forms, holding my crossbow at the ready.

When the first one poked its head inside the door, I spoke up, “These ponies are not for you, wolf. Your kind respects me and I respect your kind, but I must protect my charges. Depart now and we shall stay in peace.”

It growled, and stepped inside the room. Four more followed it. One, the largest of the pack, stepped forward. “Take another step and I shoot,” I warned it.

It stopped. After a moment, it opened its mouth wide. It sawed at the air for a moment, looking like it should be coughing. Eventually, it did. After a minute of making random noises, something intelligible came out. “You bring ponies onto our lands,” it forced out in a crude, guttural voice. I was very, very shocked. “Why should we not eliminate them and sate our hunger?”

“They are young, and do not know the error of their ways. I did not know your kind could talk.”

“Many of our kind can’t. The art is lost. Of those of us that can talk, almost none ever do so outside of our race. You have earned some respect. But these two have not. We want them.”

“I can’t let you have them.”

“And I don’t want to try to take them from you. But we must eat.”

“Perhaps we can make a deal? Their lives, in return for my help in killing something bigger?”

The wolf shuddered, branches shifting against each other. It turned to its pack and did something to its body to make clicking noises. More noises answered it. It finally turned back to me. “That is acceptable. We must move now, however. We will take you to the edge of the trees, where you will leave them. Then the hunt shall begin.”

I nudged Featherweight and Pipsqueak awake. Featherweight looked up and saw the timberwolves and started screaming. I forced his mouth shut before the wolves got angry. Pip had different ideas: He grabbed his wooden sword and tried to charge before I ripped it out of his mouth and pulled him back to me.

“Now, these guys are going to escort us to the edge of the forest. You aren’t going to scream. You aren’t going to attack them. You are going to walk next to me, staying quiet. Do not look them in the eye. Do not wander. Now, when I let you two go, what are you going to do?” I looked to Pip, who was looking down.

“Follow you,” he said in a morose voice.

I let Featherweight’s mouth go and looked at him. He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. “T-t-they aren’t h-h-here to hurt us?”

“Not anymore. They’re friends. Come on, you two.” I let them both go and stood. Pip sighed and grabbed his little wooden sword again. The wolves watched their every movement, daring them to make a move out of place. Featherweight was glued to my side as I started walking to the door. He was doing his best to look everywhere but at the wolves. Pip was looking straight ahead, silently daring any of them to attack us.

Some of the wolves filed out ahead of us while the rest waited for us to get outside. “Sunrise in about three hours,” I commented as we made our way to the gate. Nothing answered me but the creaking of timberwolf wood.

It took us an hour of hard walking to get to the edge of the forest. “You two go straight home. If anyone asks where I am, just tell them that I’m cleaning your mess.”

“Thank you soo much, Sir Navarone!” Featherweight said, elation evident in his voice. He didn’t wait for Pipsqueak, just flew/walked straight home.

Pipsqueak muttered something mean I pretended not to hear and walked home. I waited until he was out of sight before I joined the wolves. We slinked back into the forest, the wolves practically melting into the trees. “Battle plan?” I whispered to their leader.

“We find the target. You kill it. We have heard of how your weapon works. Most predators do not even see you, and will never see death coming for them.”

“Lead the way.”

Onward we went. Honestly, I was somewhat tempted to go back on the deal, but I don’t like doing that when I don’t have a previous deal overruling it.

We were walking in the forest for half an hour when the wolves stopped. The leader jerked his head forward and I continued, readying my crossbow. I had no idea what to expect.

Oh God, it’s one of those. According to Twilight, these things were called catoblepas, and had the same ability of the cockatrice to turn things to stone. Essentially, it was a bull with the head of a boar and some scales on its back. I had never seen one look up. They were pretty dangerous, as far as I could tell; I did my best to avoid them.

But that isn’t an option here. I walked up to it, trying not to make too much noise. It might not be able to tell I was there, but noise would still spook it. When I got to a good position, I raised my crossbow, took aim, and shot it in the head. It dropped like a rock. Too easy. I yanked the bolt out and cleaned it as the wolves walked closer. I reloaded and turned to the leader. “Dinner’s served.”

It looked over the body. “Yes.” It turned back to me. “You have proven yourself reliable. I suggest you remind those you care about not to enter this forest, at least not without you as a guide. While you will not be attacked, those that enter without you will not always be so lucky. Until we meet again.”

I stood out of its way and it brushed past me to get to the body. I leapt into the air as they began to tear the thing apart.

It’s certainly interesting that timberwolves are intelligent. Definitely not something I was expecting. I’ll have to tell Twilight. Right after I get some sleep.

I landed back at the library just as the sun was coming up. I entered, feeling my skin prickle at the sudden temperature change. I walked up the stairs, seeing no one awake or about. I pushed the door to Twilight’s room open and walked over to her bed.

Aww, she looks so peaceful. I poked her in the ribs. Hard. She jumped awake, blinking at the sudden brightness in her eyes. “Kids’re safe. I need you to put me back to sleep. Oh, and the timberwolves are smart. But first, sleep.”

“What was that about the timberwolves?”

“Sleeeeep!”

“Ugh, fine. But unless you want to sleep on my floor, we should probably go to your room.” We did just that. I dropped off the weapons I had grabbed and my shoes. With that done, Twilight knocked my ass right back out.

Of course, I had to wake up less than an hour later to accept thanks from the parents and whatnot. I would have rather been asleep, honestly.

I got a fun little surprise a month later. A certain white mare came into town, looking for a nice place to get away for a while. And she came bearing gifts.

This white mare wasn’t Celestia. Nor was it Rarity. No, this was one Vinyl Scratch.

And she brought me fucking booze. You can’t really ask for more than that, man.

“You’re a saint, Vinyl,” I said as I cracked open a barrel.

“I heard that,” she answered as I passed her a filled flagon. “As much dough as you’ve made me with this little recipe of yours, I figured I could finally come to town to repay you.”

The two of us were chilling at one of the lakes around Ponyville. I was out walking when she showed up, carrying a barrel with her magic.

“How long you going to be here?” I asked.

“As long as I feel welcome. I like the vibe of this little town. Nice and quiet, with a hidden undercurrent of energy you can just barely make out on the surface. I might get a little house here, to stay when I’m not feeling the music mood anymore.”

“You get paid so much that you could just casually do that?”

“Buck yeah. I’m still living the high life off that wedding commission. I offered to do it for free, but now I’m glad Pinkie refused. And this alcohol stuff you made is making a killing, too.”

“Just as long as no one gets the recipe, I don’t care. Speaking of which, if you’re tired of apple-flavored booze, I got recipes for other fruits and for honey-alcohol. Make a little variety, eh?”

She grinned widely. “I’m down for that! It can wait, though. Right now, I just want a celebratory ‘start of vacation’ drink with a good friend.”

“I can drink to that.” We did just that, too. “So, you got any plans for your time here?”

“I got several friends living in and around Ponyville. I was planning on visiting them and catching up. See how small town life is treating them. Maybe hanging out with my favorite human some.”

“You probably don’t want to spend too much time with me. When I’m not doing something for the princesses, my life is pretty boring. I live in the library with a friend, her dragon assistant, and my daughter. I don’t have a job because everything is covered by the crown and what isn’t is covered by reward money and the bits I got for selling my books. I spend my days going on walks and trying to forget the things I’ve done.”

“Things you’ve done? HAH! How bad could it possibly be?”

“Worse than you could possibly imagine.” I drained the glass. “It’s best that we not talk about it.” I refilled the flagon. “What about you? How’s the music industry treating you?”

“It has its ups and downs. That lifestyle just gets old after a while, though. Sometimes I just like taking a break. I hadn’t been to Ponyville in a while and I remembered that I still owed you a few barrels of this stuff, so I figured I’d pay you a visit.”

“You know what you also owe me?” She looked over at me. “An explanation of sorts. What the hell happened that night we met?”

She sighed and drained her mug. “That was… not my fault. And it was not my intention. I told everypony to keep off you, but that bartender was paid to slip you a mickey. He refused to tell me who paid him. I tried to pull you away from the party, but you refused. Said you earned a bit of fun.” She shrugged. “I left the party early, not liking where it was going. When I heard what happened… Well, I was surprised. Very surprised.”

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I still get secret smiles from Lyra every time I see her. I just know that it was bad and something I shouldn’t have done.” I smiled. “I had a lot of explaining to do when I got back to the palace.”

“You did say something weird that night… something about seducing the princess?”

“I might have said anything that night. Come to find out, I was already under three libido increasing spells by the time I met you. That was a hellish week.”

“But is it true?”

Eh, fuck it. “Yeah.”

She looked me up and down. “I could maybe see why, but they’d have to do some, er, improvements. Which one did you bag, anyway?”

“Eh, I’ve fucked both in the past. Had Luna around my finger for a few months. Didn’t work out.”

“Hah, knew those two knew how to have fun. I can’t imagine you were supposed to tell anypony, though.”

“Yeah, I’m not. But honestly, fuck it. What’s the harm in letting everyone know the princesses are still mortal?”

“True, I suppose.”

“What about you? You got anyone waiting for you?”

“Nah. I like playing the field too much.” We drank in silence for a bit before she spoke up again. “So… how were they?”

“Luna’s a freak. I hated it. Hell, that’s part of the reason I left her. I’ve had enough of the weird stuff and I really just want to keep it simple for a while, but she looked at my past and for some reason seemed to think I liked some of the shit she did.” I shrugged. “Celestia was one of the best lays I had in forever, though. Might hook up with her again sometime, if she’s interested.”

She smirked. “You two ever want a third wheel, count me in. I’d love to cross that off my bucket list.”

“Bucket list, or buck it list?”

“Psh, there’s a difference? Most of mine is sex related.”

“Fair enough. I’ve already fucked several of the sapient races out there, as well as three royals. I think I’m good in terms of that. I think the dragon might have been the best, all things told.”

“Sure know how to make a mare feel appreciated, Nav.”

“Hey, we never fucked. We just had a little fun.”

“Yeah, yeah. Speaking of, how’d your little dragon friend handle himself that night?”

“He did very well for himself, from what I heard. Didn’t even regret it.”

“Good for him, at least.”

I looked back into the barrel. “Good lord, we’ve already cleared half this thing.”

“There’s plenty more where that one came. I left fifteen barrels of that stuff in my room.”

“And I have a few barrels of honey alcohol in the storeroom. Along with bags of bits. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to need about three thousand bits, would you?”

“Nah, I’m good. Wouldn’t say no to something to eat, though.”

“Yeah, booze can make you hungry. Which reminds me of something! I got something else for you to try one day while you’re here. Something called weed. It grows in the forest, so it’ll have to wait until I’m less drunk, but you’ll probably love that stuff.”

“If it’s anything like this booze you got, I bet I will. You’ll have to find me one day when you get some. For now, though, I’m hungry. You know of any good places to eat in this place?”

“Sure. I’ll have to leave you before we get there, though; Pinkie’s not happy with me right now.”

“Oh? What did you do to her?”

“She’s crazy and thought I wouldn’t mind getting kidnapped. When I used my masculine wiles to escape, she got a little upset.”

Vinyl snorted and capped the barrel with her magic, then lifted it up. “I wouldn’t imagine Pinkie would be the type of mare to hold a grudge over something like that.”

“She isn’t. She doesn’t hate me, she just gets all glary whenever I’m around. It kills me to see her with a frown. Besides, I’m not hungry anyway. Just share the rest of that barrel with her, if she’s not busy.”

“Sounds good to me, I suppose. Shall we?”

Off we went, into the town. I pointed places and ponies out as we walked, giving her a mini-tour. We made it to Sugarcube Corner all too soon. “See you later, Vinyl,” I told her as she walked into the shop.

“You sure you don’t want to stay?”

“Yeah. Have fun.” She just shrugged and let the door close behind her. I continued on through the town, stopping at the library. Well, this is going to be a bit interesting.

I showed Vinyl weed three days into her stay. I got Taya to demoisturize it and brought Spike with me so he could light up her blunt. I found Vinyl just chilling on a park bench, enjoying a nice quiet day in Ponyville. The kind of nice quiet day that seems so boring when you have them and yet look so inviting when you don’t.

Spike and I joined her on the bench. “What brings you two around here?” she asked as we sat.

I held up the blunt. “Remember that thing I talked about the first day you got here?”

“Yeah. Weed, right? Is that it?”

“This is a blunt. It has weed in it. There are several ways to take it in. I don’t know how to cook this stuff and I don’t have a pipe, so this is how you’ll take it. Spike, would you do the honors?”

“Gladly! I remember when you gave this stuff to me and the town. That was hilarious!” With a little tuft of flame, the end of the doobie caught. I passed it to Vinyl.

“Alright, you put your mouth on the end that isn’t on fire and gently suck in. It’ll feel uncomfortable and you’ll probably cough, so be ready for it.”

She did so. She managed to hold it in for a second before letting it out. Thankfully, she didn’t have a coughing fit. “Earthy. So what’s this supposed to—Whoa.” Without waiting for a response, she took another hit. “Yeah, I can think of a market for this,” she said in a lazy voice. “You’re gonna make me a very rich mare, Nav. I wonder…” She sighed, running a hoof down my side. She took another, longer hit. When she pulled back this time, I gently pulled the blunt away from her. She let go with no resistance. I snubbed it out.

“Glad you approve. Spike, rock paper scissors watches her. You in?”

“This was your idea, Nav!”

“Yeah, but you helped me. You’re off today anyway. What were you planning on doing?”

“Not watching a mare that’s sitting there high as a kite! I think I’ll go find something else to do, thank you very much.”

“Fair enough. Not like I have anything to do either. Have fun.”

“I’ll try. Good luck with Scratch.”

I looked at her. She seemed content to just sit on the bench, watching passersby. She watched Spike walk away with a silly smile on her face.

We chilled on the bench for five minutes before she spoke up. “Do you remember what you said about my eyes?”

“A lot of that week is a haze. I remember them being red and being really awesome. I might have said they were pretty.”

She was still smiling. “The word was beautiful.” She sighed and leaned against me. “Never had anypony tell me that before,” she whispered into my ear.

Then she stuck her tongue in my ear. I jerked back and she fell off, laughing. “I had you going, didn’t I?”

“Yeah. I thought I was about to get a repeat of the bar incident.” That would not end well, given that we were in public.

Her horn lit up before fizzling out. She went cross-eyed, looking at it. She tried again with the same result. “Hey, what gives? My magic ain’t working!”

“Probably the weed. Odd, Taya was able to do magic.” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s different for everyone.”

“So how do I go about making this stuff?”

“We can talk about it when you’re not high. You’ll have a better chance of remembering, then.” I actually had all the instructions written out already. I planned on giving them to her later. At least she wasn’t going crazy under this stuff like Spike and Pinkie. But then, I had also given her less.

I did kind of wonder what it felt like… I haven’t actually tried weed, myself. I’ve gotten lightheaded from the smoke, but I’ve never gotten the full effect. I looked at the blunt for a moment before shrugging and pocketing it. Not for me.

Vinyl seemed to be enjoying it, though. She was grinning like a fool, even now. I kind of wish I could see her eyes.

Hm… I reached up and pulled her goggles off. She didn’t even notice, aside from blinking at the light change. Her eyes looked quite nice in the light of day. I leaned back a bit on the bench, letting my wings drape over the low back.

It’s a shame it was winter, honestly. At least it was sunny out, even if not all that warm. Sometimes I wonder why the ponies even bother with seasons, if they control the weather. Probably Celestia’s decree, to further the illusion that she controls the sun. Not any of my business, that.

There weren’t many ponies out and about, but there were a few. Enough to keep Vinyl interested for a short while. Not long enough, apparently. A few minutes after I took her goggles she flung herself onto my lap. “Pet me!” she demanded.

“…What?”

She flipped herself onto her back and looked up at me. “Use your paws to pet me.”

I rolled my eyes and started rubbing her belly. I quickly stopped when I saw that she was blushing up a storm. “Sensitive belly?” I asked. “I know you ponies have random effects down there.”

“You… you were brushing against… my…” Oh. Sometimes I forget where ponies have their nipples.

“How about you turn over, then?”

She smirked. “I didn’t tell you to stop.”

“Turn over, Vinyl.”

She sighed and did so. I started gently petting her. She sighed and relaxed. We got a few odd looks, but I didn’t give any fucks. A few minutes later, she was asleep.

She’s not the first pony I’ve lulled to sleep that way. I seem to have magic sleep-inducing fingers or something. I leaned back into the bench again, enjoying the warmth of the pony-blanket I was now wearing. As an afterthought, I slid her goggles onto my face.

Suddenly everything was purple tinted. It was pretty damn awesome.

We were there for three hours. We were given tons of looks, but again, I didn’t care. There got to be a point, though, where I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. That was okay for a little while, before I realized it was winter and that not feeling my legs could be a very bad thing. I gently prodded her awake.

She pulled herself from my legs, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. “Where am I?” she blearily asked.

“My lap,” I answered. She looked up at me and saw me wearing her goggles. With a gasp, she ripped them from my face with her magic and settled them on her own eyes. “I need to get me a pair of those. They’re pretty nice.”

“You can get a pair from somewhere other than my face! What if...” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “What if somepony saw?”

I shrugged. “Fuck ‘em. They got used to me. Surely they can get used to something as simple as an odd eye color. Hell, I’m surprised a cool mare like you hasn’t just said fuck ‘em already and just let them pretty reds hang for all to see. You could probably take back the image of them with your art.”

“I dunno, Nav…”

“There was a band back in my world. Huge. Absolute hit. They were constantly wearing makeup and constantly in their band characters. One day, they came out and told everyone that they were Jews. Now, that doesn’t make any sense to you, but in my world, Jews are people that do not do what that band did. Their image didn’t allow it. But by saying fuck them and doing it anyway, they were able to take back an entire race of people’s stereotype on music. They had to get famous first, but it still worked. And hell, you are definitely famous.” She still looked a bit worried. “Well, think about it this way: If it tanks your career, that’ll just give you a good excuse to come back to live in Ponyville.”

“That doesn’t make me feel much better…”

“Then why do I see a smile?” She was trying to hide it, but it was there.

“It’s… nice to think about. Nice to imagine. And I guess it’s nice to know that I have friends that would look after me if worse came to worse.”

“When you’re the friend of two princesses and a queen, you can afford to be generous. Now, I don’t suppose you can get off my lap?”

“But you’re really comfortable!”

“Yeah, but I can’t feel my legs.” She sighed and moved off me. I felt a warmth spread down my legs, followed by a tingling feeling. “I should be good to walk in a few minutes.”

“There’s not really anywhere to walk in this little town, though.”

“You can walk around the town. Or just walk to have the sensation of movement. It’s decent exercise.” Come to think of it, I had never seen a pony that I would actually label as fat. Celestia was nice and squishy, though. “But you are right. This town doesn’t have all that much going on.”

“I could throw an impromptu concert.”

“Do you have any of your tools? Kinda hard to play music without your tables and speakers.”

“I can borrow Pinkie’s set. They’re small-time, but they get the job done.”

“I thought you were here to get away from that for a little while. Wouldn’t this be the opposite of what you want to do?”

“Oh yeah… What do you ponies do all day? This place is so boring!”

“It’s better when you have more friends and can hang out. But yeah, this place is pretty damn boring. It’s nice.”

“NICE? How can you stand living here, Nav?”

“Because I know the other extreme of life, and it’s not something I enjoy. I’d rather live in a boring place than live where things constantly keep happening. But again, it isn’t that bad if you have plenty of friends.”

“Well then, what do you typically do?”

“Oh, I don’t have plenty of friends. Sure, I know a bunch of ponies here. But that doesn’t mean I’d show up at their door with a six-pack and an empty schedule and ask them if they want to hang out.”

“So what do you do with the friends that you have?”

“Lately, very little. I’ve drifted apart from some of them. I still do the occasional magic test stuff with Twilight, but there’s nothing we do together that would interest you. I’ve barely seen Pinkie over the past few months. Rarity and I never got along that well to begin with, so we rarely do much. Applejack spends most of her time on the farm or with the others, so there’s not much there. Fluttershy spends a lot of her time with her animals, and I don’t like animals. I still hang out with Rainbow sometimes, but not much. Lyra and Bon-Bon spend most of their time together, and Bonnie’s always been a little weird around me. Derpy’s working. There are a few other ponies I was sort of close to, but I really don’t see most of them anymore. Most of my time is spent walking, chilling with Spike, or playing with Taya.”

She shook her head sadly. “Sounds to me like you need to get back in with your friends.”

“Nah. I’m a bad influence on all of them. And I’ll probably be moving to Canterlot eventually. I might as well have as little an impact as possible for when I leave.”

“That’s really depressing, Nav. I know Pinkie misses hanging out with you. She said that you’ve been avoiding her for a while now. And Dashie likes hanging with you, too. She sees you here and there, but you’re apparently never in the mood to do anything. From the sounds of things, this has been an ongoing problem.”

“I can’t talk about it. Royal order.” The truth of it was that what I did to the dogs weighed heavily on my mind, even to this day. They trusted me and I betrayed them. And I was rewarded for it, to make things worse. If I was willing to do that to the dogs—even if there was a decent reason—what might I be willing to do to the ponies if there was a good enough justification? That, and I was still a little down from the whole Luna thing. The only one that even noticed my mood shift was Taya. She was happy that I broke it off.

“Smells like an excuse to me.”

“It is. But it’s a good excuse.” I shrugged. “Regular ponies aren’t equipped to handle the kind of shit the princesses make me do. I’m saving you all some pain by keeping you all away.” That’s also one of the reasons I started leaving my journals in Canterlot. I know they’re getting read wherever they end up, but at least Celestia and Luna can handle what I deal with.

Even if they’re both cunts for reading my PRIVATE JOURNALS in the first place.

I casually reached into my pocket and pulled out my magic ring, just in case. I had it slipped on by the time I finished that statement. She didn’t seem to notice, but I wasn’t watching her anyway.

“Sounds to me like the princesses need to find somepony else to do their dirty work, then. You shouldn’t have your life ruined because of this!”

“Someone has to do it, Vinyl. It might as well be me. I don’t like it, but that’s the way it works.”

She shook her head. “No, that’s not the way it works. You seem like such a good guy! Why should you have to do stuff that’s making you feel like this?” Me? A good guy? Ha.

“I don’t know, Vinyl. Maybe it’s just bad luck. It could have been any number of humans that got pulled here. But it was me. It’s not exactly unfair, as far as I can tell. I don’t like it, but I can’t change the way it is.”

We were silent again. She eventually said, “Would you, if you could?”

“No. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to go through this.”

“And that’s why you’re such a good friend! You’re willing to do all this for others, even if you don’t even know them. You do these jobs because you know somepony has to. You’re willing to endure pain and misery for somepony else. Selflessness, Nav. You shouldn’t hide yourself away from something that ‘might’ happen. So you might be a bit of a bad influence on somepony. Big deal. You gotta live life while you have it!”

“That applies to everyone else, too. Some of us choose to—or are forced to—live by higher ideals. Someone has to do the dirty work. I can’t just go around doing whatever I want.”

“You can in your off time!” She hopped off the bench. “Come on, Nav!”

“I can’t.”

“Don’t be such a spoilsport! Come on!”

“No, I mean I literally can’t. I can’t move my legs yet.” She looked down to my legs, watching me try to shift them. It wasn’t going very well.

“Oh. Is there any way to speed that up?”

“Not that I know of. This is what happens when you sleep across my legs for a while.”

She looked at the sky for a moment before looking back to me. “How long was I even out? Couldn’t have been more than a few minutes.”

“Three hours.”

“Three hours?! You let me sleep on your lap, in public, for THREE HOURS?” She didn’t sound that angry, thankfully.

“Uh. Yeah?”

She shifted, looking away. “Huh.”

“You mad?”

“No, no. Just… surprised. Why would you do that if you work so hard to keep yourself distanced from ponies?”

“Because I’m not a dick. If you fell asleep, you probably needed the sleep. Why wake you up?”

“Even if I’m sleeping on you?”

I shrugged. “Gotta sleep somewhere. I don’t have anything planned for the next ever, so I didn’t mind you sleeping on me.”

“You’re really, really weird, you know that?”

“How do you know that I’m not the normal one and that it’s actually you that’s weird?”

“Because only a weird pony would say something like that to justify his weirdness.”

“Whatever.” The flexing of my legs was finally getting results. I achingly stood up, wincing a bit as I felt pinpricks shoot up and down my legs. “God, I hate that feel. So where are we going?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll get better as we walk. So, where are we going?”

“To see some of your friends, of course!” She started walking off.

“That really doesn’t sound enjoyable,” I answered as I started following her. “Can we do something else instead?”

“Nope. It’s about time you had a little talk with Pinkie.”

“Okay, that really doesn’t sound enjoyable. Can we do pretty much anything that isn’t that?”

“We’re going if I have to drag you there.”

“And how exactly would you go about doing that?”

She turned to find me watching her, my arms crossed in a way that displayed my ring. “I’ll kick you in the shin, grab your wings with my teeth, and start pulling.”

“And what if I fly away?”

“I’ll call Rainbow Dash and get her to catch you for me. Then I’ll kick you in the shin for trying to get away.”

“What is it with you and kicking me in my shin? Why can’t you just threaten me with magic like all the other unicorns?”

“Because I rarely use my magic. Now come on.” With that, she started back off down the road. I sighed and followed. The shit I put up with, man.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and smiled at what I found. I pulled out the two gender stones and slipped my ring off and began juggling them. I know it was weird as fuck, but the sensation of constantly changing genders was really interesting. And the expression on anyone’s face that saw what I was doing—and how I was changing—was priceless. Of course, not many ponies even noticed; they never knew what a female human looked like anyway. Twilight didn’t go out much when she was humanized, after all.

I noticed Vinyl looking back. “What are you doing?” she asked in wonder, watching me juggle. I figured that it was probably something none of them could do.

“Juggling,” I answered, my voice changing pitch several times in that one word.

“Juggling? How does that make your voice change?”

I stopped, holding up the gender stones. “These two stones are cursed. This one,” I said holding up the pink, “turns anyone that touches it into a girl.” I lowered it and held up the blue. “And this one turns you into a guy. If you hold them both, well… interesting things happen.” Namely, you turn asexual and your voice goes completely flat. It’s impossible to let go of both at the exact same time, so there’s no way to stay that way.

Her eyes opened so wide I could see them through her goggles. I pulled the stones away as she rushed forward. “Lemme try!”

“Nope! First time hurts like a bitch.”

“Oh come on. How bad could it be?”

“I coughed up blood and almost fainted. It doesn’t hurt after the first time, but still.”

“I wanna try it anyway. Please?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but not here. And you aren’t allowed to tell anyone about this.”

She smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone!”

“And you can’t tell anypony, either!”

She sighed. “Fine…” Then she perked right up. “Now come on! Forget seeing Pinkie, I wanna test this out!”

I grinned to myself as she shot off down the road. I slipped the stones and the ring in a pocket, making sure I touched the blue one last. I flew after her, catching up and pacing her as she rushed back to her hotel room.

When we got there, she pulled off her goggles and looked at me eagerly. I said, “Brace yourself, this hurts.” With that, I threw the blue stone at her. She jerked back and her eyes shot wide open, but she didn’t make a sound.

About fifteen seconds after her transformation started, it finished. Before me stood a male Vinyl Scratch that looked shockingly like Shining Armor. I leaned over and picked the stone up from where it had fallen. “Well?” I asked.

“I feel… whoa!” Her voice was a lot deeper. “So… what can you tell me about this new body?” She even sounds like Shining Armor.

“You have a penis now.” I shrugged. “That’s pretty much it. You’re a stallion instead of a mare. Go check out the mirror.” She walked into the bathroom and looked at herself.

“Not bad. Pretty handsome, if I do say so myself.”

“Narcissism much?”

“Hey, I’m just saying. I’d fuck me if I was a mare.”

I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t know about that. Here, let me turn you back.”

“What? So soon? No! I didn’t even get a chance to see what sex is like as a guy!”

“It’s a lot different, I’ll tell you that much.”

She smirked at me. “And how would you know that?”

“Because Luna is, as I said, very adventuresome. I did not like the change and she was very bad at it.” Admittedly, I had been tied down, but still.

“I don’t suppose…”

“No. You’ll have to find someone else to test it out on. But since I can’t let you walk around town like that, I guess you’ll never have the chance.”

“What? Oh come on, Nav!”

“Nope. I shouldn’t have let you do this at all, but it’s time to turn back.” I pulled the pink stone out.

“Can you give me, like, ten minutes alone in the bathroom, then?”

I rolled my eyes again. “Use lotion. And don’t expect to make a mess; you haven’t started producing anything yet.”

“Got it. Thanks, Nav!” The door slammed shut. I put the pink stone up and laid on the bed, marveling in the odd feeling against my now-female body.

A few minutes later, Vinyl came back out looking somewhat disturbed. “I think I’ll change back now,” he said in a quiet voice. I casually tossed the pink stone at him. Just like that, Vinyl was a she again. She picked the stone up with magic and gently set it down in my hand. “That was odd.”

“Yep.” I slipped the pink stone in my pocket and touched the blue one. “Anyway, it’s getting pretty late. I think I’ll head on home.”

“Nav, it’s barely lunch time.” I was hoping she’d forget that we met on the bench at eight. “Now that we have that little distraction out of the way, let’s go see Pinkie.”

“I have another little distraction!” I pulled out my key. “This can open any lock. How about we play with it instead of visiting Pinkie?”

“Nope!” She stopped for a moment. “Well, after you prove that by opening this door. Then we’ll go see her!”

I followed her out. She closed the door and gestured to it. I very slowly raised the key and turned it. I did my best to make it last several hours. I failed by a large margin. The door did, at least, open.

“Pretty neat trick. Now let’s go visit Pinkie.”

I’d stalled for as long as I could. I followed behind her as she led me to Sugarcube Corner. I felt hooks under my skin trying to pull me away as I stepped inside the shop. Mr. Cake was behind the counter, wearing his typical smile. Vinyl led the way up to the counter. “Sup, Mr. Cake,” she said. “Pinkie in?”

“Nope. She’s off today, went to see some of her friends. You know how she is.” And just like that, the hooks were gone. “Can I get you two anything?”

“Some cookies would be nice. Nav?”

“I don’t suppose you learned what coffee is yet?” At his blank look, I shrugged. “I’m good.”

I sat at a small table while he got Vinyl’s order ready. Given that he had stuff on display, she joined me rather quickly. “So what’s coffee?” she asked.

“It’s a drink from my world that helps you wake up super-fast. It’s the human equivalent of sugar for you guys.”

“Sugar doesn’t wake you up?”

“Nope. It tastes good, but it can’t make me hyper. I imagine that coffee would probably be like crack for you guys.”

“What’s crack?”

“A drug that turns a human into someone like Pinkie Pie at her worst.”

“Impossible!”

“Nope. Give a guy some good ol’ pure coke and he’ll be jittering and pumped in no time. That shit’ll kill you, too. Weed? Yeah, it’s not necessarily good for you, but ain’t nobody ever overdosed on it. Alcohol? That stuff’ll kill you if you aren’t careful and don’t limit yourself. Coke? Easy to OD on. Heroin? Speed? Meth? I’m not even going to give you details on those. Humans put all kinds of crazy shit in their bodies.” I pulled out a flask and took a shot of mead. I stoppered it and passed it over. “Here, try this.”

She opened it with her magic and took a whiff. She raised an eyebrow, but took a large dose from it. “Not bad. Nice little kick. This your honey alcohol?”

“Yep. Got the recipe from the griffins. Apparently this stuff is illegal to import. But… well, it’s not importing if we make it here, now is it?”

She grinned. “I don’t suppose it is. You got a recipe?”

I pulled some sheets of paper out of a pocket. “Recipes for mead, other alcohols, instructions for taking care of and growing weed.” I pulled a small packet out of another pocket. “And some weed seeds. If any flak comes down on you from above, blame it all on Spike and feign ignorance.”

“Spike? Why him?”

I shrugged. “I use him for everything like this, unless I’m actually talking to him. He doesn’t mind.”

“I’ll remember that.” She started looking through papers. “Most of these alcohols are very similar.”

“Yep. The only different thing is their fruit, for the most part. It’s a lot of hard work, as I’m sure you found, but it can more than pay for itself if you make enough. Just don’t ever let the recipes get out, as I said before.”

“You got it. Least I can do, after all you’ve done.” She put the papers together and sent them somewhere with a flash of her horn. “Now, let’s go find Pinkie!”

“Vinyl, I really don’t think it was meant to be. I mean, she wasn’t here. Why can’t we just take that as a sign and call it a day?”

“Because I don’t take no for an answer, even if it is from fate.”

“So are you saying that you’re a rapist?”

She waved a hoof. “Don’t be silly. Let’s go.” She stuffed the last cookie in her mouth and stood. I followed her out the door, waving to Mr. Cake as I left.

“You know, there are places in my world where a girl would be killed for daring to order a guy around like this.”

“And yet you continue to follow my every word. How about that?”

“I’ve gotten used to it. Having two princesses constantly on my case does that.”

“Sounds to me like you’re just a submissive kinda guy.”

Getting raped a lot can do that to a guy. So can having a girlfriend that can hold you down with magic or just hold you down without it. It felt good to get away from her, in a way.

“Just proves my point, you not answering.”

“Shut up, Vinyl. Don’t make me throw the blue stone at you and run away.”

“I’m pretty sure I could outrun you, if it came to that.”

“I’m agile, small, I have tons of stamina, and I can fly. I’m pretty sure I could get away.”

“Then why are you coming with me now?”

“Because I couldn’t get away from Rainbow Dash. And I figure that you’d probably be more angry at me ditching than you would at me for changing your gender.”

“You must think I have some really weird kinda priorities. Both would piss me off, but I think I’d be more angry about the gender thing.”

Again, I didn’t answer. I just continued trudging behind her, silently bemoaning my fate of a cartoony life.

I didn’t get to mope about for long, though. Vinyl rained on my pity-party. “So if you were Pinkie, where would you be?”

“An insane asylum.”

“When you broke out, where would you be?”

“The nearest bakery.”

“After that?”

“Prison, for stealing all the sweets.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re really not very helpful.”

“It’s impossible to find Pinkie unless she wants to be found. One time, she popped out of my shirt. I didn’t feel her the entire time she was in there, which was apparently quite a while. She terrifies me.”

“She’s harmless, though!” No, she’s not. “She just wants to see everypony smile. Nothing wrong with that, is there?” Answering that would have been a bad idea. “So where should we start looking?”

“Honestly, I have absolutely no idea. She’s friends with everyone in this town and quite a few people out of this town. She could be anywhere.”

“You said you thought she was moping a bit, though. Where do you think she would go to get advice?”

“Cranky Doodle Donkey.”

She stopped, looking at me funny. “What kinda made up name is that?”

“I said the same thing! His name is like a song from my world, Yankee Doodle Dandy. When I commented to Pinkie about that, she giggled and sang the song she came up for him on the spot. Turns out it had the same fucking beat and very similar lyrics. This world scares me.”

She shook her head. “So where does this guy live?”

“Outskirts of town. He’s a pretty decent guy, as long as you’re respectful and leave when he asks you to.”

“Well let’s get going, then!” She started off in a random direction. I stopped and watched her. After a second she turned back. “Where does he live, again?” I pointed behind us. She started off in that direction. I started following.

Way too much of my life seems to be following—or being carried by, I suppose—other people. I wish I could change that, but it’s not like I had much of a choice. My line of work kind of forces that. I pulled out the stones and began juggling again, trying to keep from thinking too much.

A few minutes later, Vinyl asked, “Is that it?”

I looked up at the old house. “Yep. That’s Cranky’s place, alright. If he lets us in, don’t touch anything.” I slipped the stones back into my pocket and slid the ring on. We walked up to the door and knocked.

A few seconds later, Cranky opened it. He was a really old donkey that wore a rather ridiculous toupee. He had a more reasonable one, but Pinkie destroyed it. Rarity replaced it for him and added her own personal touches.

He looked me up and down. “And what do you want, Sir Navarone?”

“I told you already, don’t call me sir, Doodle.”

“And I told you, no pony calls me Doodle!”

“Yeah, but I ain’t no pony, now am I?”

We stood like that for a few seconds before he grinned. “So who’s your friend, Nav?”

“Vinyl Scratch. She’s a musician.”

“What’s with the goggles?”

“She’s shy of her pretty eyes.” She turned to me, blushing a bit. “I don’t reckon you’ve seen Pinkie recently, have you?”

“Hm… I might have.” He turned to Vinyl. “If you let me see those ‘pretty’ eyes of yours, I might remember better.”

She sighed and pulled her goggles off. Cranky blinked at seeing them. “Well now, that isn’t a common sight. I traveled all over Equestria and only saw a few ponies with eyes like that.” His grin returned. “You shouldn’t hide them.” It was Vinyl’s turn to blink. He turned back to me. “Pinkie and ‘Tillie left a few minutes ago. I think they were going for a walk in the Whitetail Woods.”

“Thanks, Cranky,” I said. I held up my fist. He shook his head, but met it with his gnarled hoof.

“Just be careful, lad. Pinkie’s over what you did to her, but that doesn’t mean my Matilda is.”

“I’ve been through worse than whatever she can do to me.”

He chuckled. “You’ve never been nagged at, have you lad?”

I gave him a look of horror. “That’s worse than torture—and I would know. How do you stand it?”

“By giving as good as I get. Go on, you two. And good luck, Nav.”

“Hope I don’t need it. See you later, Cranky.” With that, Vinyl and I left. His door slowly closed as we started off to the woods. “Are you sure you want to keep looking? I mean, the Whitetail Woods are rather large and I haven’t done too much exploring in there.” Now that was a lie. I knew that place very well. I didn’t know where Pinkie would be, though.

“We’ll be fine. I mean, you’re you and I’m me. Ain’t nothing in there going to try to pick on us!”

“That won’t stop us from wandering around aimlessly for hours.”

“How bad could it be?”

In all honesty, that place is really, really easy to navigate. Undergrowth is almost nonexistent, trails are common and noticeably marked, and there are no animals in there that would dare attack me or a pony. It’s actually quite nice. I just smiled and said, “You’ll see.”

Half an hour into the walk, she was actually begging to go back.

“Vinyl, I was joking before. This forest is incredibly tame. You can stop pretending.”

She looked at me in horror. “Tame? The ground is rough, the paths are uneven, there are trees everywhere… How are you so fine with this?”

“God you are such a city girl. Fine, let’s go back. You won’t hear me complain.”

She gave a sigh of relief and turned back. “Pinkie can wait for another day. I just want to get back to my room and put some ice on my hooves.”

“Is it really that bad? It’s only been half an hour!”

“In the snowy, mushy dirt roads. I think there’s hardened dirt in one of the lips on my hooves…”

“Here, let me look at it.” She held a leg up. I knelt down and put it on my knee. “Not too bad.” I pulled out a knife. “Don’t move.” I gently picked the dirt out of the little groove, making sure not to scrape against the actual hoof too much. I put the knife away and brushed out what of it I could with my finger. “Better?”

She pulled the hoof away and rested some weight on it. “Much!” she said with a smile. Her smile faded. “We’re still going back, though. I prefer taking nature in small steps.”

“This is about as small a step as you’re going to get. This place is harmless.”

“I think I’ll stick to parks for now…”

“Man, the Everfree would kill you.”

“Oh, don’t even talk about that place! I haven’t been in Ponyville long, but I’ve already heard all kinds of rumors about it. Mostly silliness, but if there are that many rumors, I know better than to go there.”

“Oh, that place is harmless if you’re with me. I’m bros with the timberwolves; they got my back in that place.”

I could tell her eyes were widening behind the goggles. “Timberwolves are real? What else lives in there?”

“All kinds of nasties!” Pinkie exclaimed, jumping out of some bushes that weren’t large enough to contain her. “And Nav here knows ‘em all!”

“Sweet Celestia, I’ll never get used to that,” Vinyl muttered, holding her chest from Pinkie’s sudden arrival.

“I don’t know if I’d say ‘know,’” I commented. “But with as much time as I’ve spent in there I certainly know what kinds of things live there. Your first assessment was correct: Most of them are quite nasty. You out here all alone? It’s not like you to be away from others for too long.”

“And it’s not like you to be with others this long. And just look at poor Vinyl here! Poor thing looks sore and unloved. Just what have you been doing to her?”

“Giving her weed, letting her sleep on me, letting her turn into a guy and then jerk off in the next room, and then letting her lead me all over the place. I’m such a terrible friend, I know.”

Pinkie didn’t miss a beat at any of those points. “I don’t know about terrible friend, but a real friend would go to that room and lend them a hoof! Or a hand, I guess.”

“I’ll leave that to you, then. I know I’m not about to jerk a stallion off.”

She eyed my fingers. “I bet those would be so good at it, too…”

“And I’m done with this conversation. So what brings you out here?”

“Just walking with a friend, same as you.”

“A friend? You look pretty alone to me.”

Pinky looked around herself for a moment. Then she reached back into the bushes and pulled out Matilda, an older female donkey. She looked about herself in surprise. “Where am—Oh. It’s you.” She was glaring at me.

“Yeah, I do tend to be me,” I answered. “It’s the only person I’ve ever tried to be.” That’s not entirely true, I guess. I mean, there was that one time I was Egill.

“Yeah, silly!” Pinkie said. “Who else would he be?”

“A proper gentlecolt!” Matilda answered.

All three of us looked at her in horror. “A gentlecolt?” Vinyl finally spat out. “I would never hang around him if he acted like that!”

“And he would get so boring! I mean, sure he’s a knight, but that doesn’t mean he has to act like one!”

“I’m too much of a dick to be a gentleman. Sorry, but you’ll just have to settle for me.”

“I see. Come, Sir Navarone. Let’s walk.”

“I would, but I need to make sure Vinyl gets home with no problems. She hurt one of her hooves.”

“I’ll take care of her!” Pinkie shouted, launching herself away from the bush and knocking me away from Vinyl.

Vinyl said, “I’m not so sure—” She was cut off by Pinkie throwing something on the ground. Smoke erupted from it and covered her and Pinkie. Half a minute of me and Matilda coughing later, the smoke dissipated and Pinkie was gone. Vinyl was standing there, looking confused. “What happ—”

A pink hoof reached up from a gopher hole in the ground and wrapped itself around Vinyl’s hoof. With a jerk, Vinyl disappeared into the hole.

Matilda and I just gaped. For a full minute, we just stood like that, not blinking or saying a word. I mean, I’ve seen Pinkie do some weird shit. Everyone that lives in Ponyville has. But that? That was fucking terrifying.

“Nope.” I turned around and started walking back to Ponyville. “Nope nope nope.”

Matilda joined me a moment later. She didn’t comment on what we just saw. After a minute, she said, “So why were you so mean to Pinkie?”

“Because of shit like that. She completely terrifies me. I want as little to do with her as possible. And we don’t have much in common, so I didn’t figure I’d have any regrets in losing her friendship.”

“Well. And here I was going to tell you why you should march up to that mare and apologize. I thought you saw yourself as too good to spend time with a lowly peasant like her.”

“…What?”

“You’re a knight, Navarone. Many knights spend as little time with commoners as possible. I thought you were acting like one of them… Well, you obviously aren’t.” We continued in silence for a bit. Eventually, she said, “So are you really afraid of her?”

“Yes. The things she does… I didn’t know how she would take rejection. The last time I said more than two sentences to her, I woke up in her bed. I went to sleep in mine and she didn’t wake me up at all. I just appeared in her bed. I don’t know how. One time she kidnapped me and Fluttershy and made us help her find her family. And another time, she hid in my shirt for a few days and I didn’t realize she was there until she popped out. That’s impossible, but she did it. I’m afraid of Pinkie. Straight up terrified. The only reason I deal with her at all is because I fear the alternative. If she’s like this to friends, how would she be to enemies?”

“I… don’t know. She is slightly worrying, but I’ve always seen her as harmless. She just wants to make everypony smile.”

“Even if they don’t want her to. She has no sense of boundaries, nothing stopping her from doing whatever she wants. I’d rather just avoid her as much as possible.”

She sighed, but didn’t reply. There wasn’t much she could really say, I don’t think.

When we got to within a few minutes of her house, I said, “You’re not going to tell Pinkie all that, are you?”

“Why shouldn’t I? She was a little bit confused, I know that much. Why shouldn’t I tell her the truth?”

“Because the truth is bad. It isn’t something she needs to know. I’ve already hurt her. I don’t want to ruin her. Don’t tell her for her sake, if not mine.”

“You’re afraid of her and by your own word don’t really like her, and yet you have no desire to hurt her or let her be hurt. Why is that?”

“Because I’m not a dick. I’m a terrible person—possibly even evil—but I’m not a dick.”

“Anypony that thinks they’re bad probably isn’t.” We were at her house, now. “I’ll see you some other time, Navarone. I won’t tell Pinkie anything you don’t want her to know.”

“Thank you. Good bye, Matilda.” She entered the cozy home she shared with Cranky and I started the short walk back to town.

It’s weird how often I hear the same advice. You’d think they would realize I had heard it by now and chose to ignore it, disregard it, or disagree with it. I guess they all still gotta try, though. I believe, at this point, that it is within the general nature of ponies that they want to make others feel better. Not all of them feel that way, but most of them seem to.

Well, I still had most of a day left. No telling where Pinkie or Vinyl were, so that was a bust. I gave Vinyl all the info she needed anyway, so it’s not like that really mattered. She was fun to be around, but I’ll freely admit that I’m a bit of a downer these days, so it was no great loss to not be around her. At least, not for her. I hummed an old tune while I slowly walked back to the library, kicking up the occasional tuft of snow as I moved.

“What’s got you so down?” I heard a cocky voice ask.

“Nothing much, Rainbow. Just thinking, like usual.”

“You haven’t learned your lesson about that yet? Thinking’s bad for you, Nav!”

“I know, but I can’t seem to stop. It’s a dirty habit, I guess. How do you avoid it?”

“I don’t. I just think about happy things instead.”

“That’s somewhat odd to hear from someone like you, but okay. What kind of happy things should I be thinking about?”

“Your fami—Um. Your speci—Ooh. Your heal—” I interrupted her with a sneeze. “Oh come on! What about Taya?”

“What about her?”

“Surely you feel good when you think about her. I mean, she’s your daughter, right?”

“Most of what I feel when I think about her is fear and apprehension. I can’t help but ask myself if I’m doing a good job or if I’m being too lenient or too hard or too something on her. I worry for her safety even though I know she won’t get into trouble.”

“You’re way too difficult, Nav. What about your friends? Don’t you feel good when thinking about us?”

“Let me tell you how my mind works: It overlays good things versus bad things in my mind. Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity are in the red. You and most everyone else are all clear. So there are a few friends I feel okay thinking about, but not many.”

“That’s a really dark way of thinking about it, Nav.”

“I know. I’m a really dark person, remember?”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s what I thought. I would try giving you advice, but I’m pretty sure you’d just blow it off, disagree offhand, or ignore it.” Someone gets it! “But something’s gotta change in your life, Nav. You can’t keep living like this.”

“Humans are designed to live in misery. We perfected it and some of us even prefer it. The last time I was truly, mind-emptyingly happy, I stole Celestia’s crown and paraded it around the palace. I think Pinkie still has those pictures, but to be honest, I don’t remember much of that week without reading my journals.” Which I’m actually a bit afraid to do.

“It’s really depressing that it’s been so long since you considered yourself happy. How can you stand living like this?”

I shrugged. “Look at my alternatives.”

“You mean finding something to be happy about? How is that really so bad?”

“Because, as I said, I don’t think I’d know what to do if I was happy.”

“Enjoy it, duh! Come on, what’s something you’d enjoy?”

I zoned my eyes out for a moment. “Let’s prank Rarity.”

“We always prank her! Why can’t we hit somepony else?”

“Because I like fucking with Rarity. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Well… yeah. But after her we prank somepony I want to prank.”

“Alright. On me I have booze, half a stick of weed, a few knives, and my good looks. Can you think of anything to do with that?”

“Your good looks are useless. Weed and booze… It’s unoriginal, but we can put some of that stuff in brownies and give her some.”

“I don’t know how to cook it. I gave that stuff to Pinkie before because I had no idea what I was doing. I don’t know how she figured it out.”

“We could give it to Sweetie Belle and unleash her on Rarity’s shop.”

“Now that’s just cruel. Let’s do it.”

“Now, we just need somepony unassuming to give it to her…”

We both shouted “Not it” at the same time.

After a few seconds of glaring at each other, I said, “Spike?”

“Spike.”

“Wait wait wait, that might ruin any nonexistent chances he has with Rarity. We need someone else.”

“Twilight?”

“She would never agree to that.”

“Yeah, she’s too boring. Pinkie?”

“No clue where she is. She disappeared with Vinyl earlier today. How about a male Rainbow Dash?”

“Nav, how in Tartarus are you going to make me look like a stallion?”

I pulled out the blue stone. “With this. It’s a magic gender changing stone.”

Her eyes went wide. “How long have you had that?”

“A few months.” I jerked my hand back as she shot out to grab it. “Not in public.” No one was really paying attention to us, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t notice if Rainbow suddenly turned into Rainbro. “It hurts the first time you use one of them.”

“One of them?”

“Yeah. I have this one and I have the female one. Man, you’re the second pony I’ve told this to today. I suck at keeping secrets.”

“This was supposed to be a secret?”

“Ehhh, kinda sorta. I mean, I don’t really want a horde of ponies tracking me down to feel what it’s like to be the opposite gender. When I told Vinyl, her first reaction was trying to snatch it out of my hand. When I told Rarity a few months ago, she just scoffed. I would have thrown one at her, but they hurt on the first go.”

“How bad?”

“You’ll have to tell me. It’s different for girls than it is for guys, apparently. Don’t know why.”

“Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s go somewhere private!”

“Did you… did you have to shout that out loud?” We were now getting a lot of stares from passing ponies.

She blushed a bit. “Heh, oops. Uh… Let’s go to the library?”

I face-palmed. “Let’s just go.” We continued in relative silence. When we were away from most of the crowd that was staring at us, I said, “So are we still planning on getting Rarity?”

“Psh, no! I’m going to touch that blue stone and surprise all our friends that don’t know about it!”

“How about no? That would just raise a whole bunch of questions that I don’t want to have to answer Celestia about.”

“How bad could it be?”

“Do you know how many lesbian couples there are in Ponyville?”

“Uh… A lot?”

“Yeah. And how many do you think would like to try—if just once—turning into a guy for their lover?”

“Probably most of them.”

“Yeah. If they see you flying off from the library as a stallion, you bet your ass most of them are going to be coming by to visit Twilight, asking how she did it. And then she’s going to tell them it was me and I’m going to get chewed out by Twilight and then get mobbed by lesbians that want a dick.”

“Well when you put it that way… I still want to try it.”

“Then you can take the stones in a bag—after promising on whatever kind of loyalty you have that you’ll bring them back the moment you’re finished with them. And that you’ll come back in the right gender. And you aren’t allowed to tell anyone that this event happened.”

“I guess that’s fair. So, what can you tell me about… it?”

“You won’t have to worry about a condom, if that’s what you mean. You won’t have had time to produce anything, so you’ll be shooting nothing.”

“Oh. Well that’s a bit boring.”

“Eh.”

“How do you even know about that, anyway?”

“Experimentation. Unwanted and unasked for experimentation.”

“Oh… With who?”

“Nunya.”

“Nunya? Who’s that?”

Fucking ponies, always ruining my crappy human jokes. “Not important.”

“C’mon, Nav!”

“I’ll tell you later, then. Not here.”

She grinned and quickened her pace a bit. “I bet I can guess who it was.”

“That’s nice. Keep your guesses to yourself.” I sped up to match pace with her again. “So if you ponies control the weather, why do you even have winter?”

“You know, I never understood the reasoning behind that. What we’re taught in school is that the ground has to have a break from growing crops, which I guess makes some kind of sense.”

“Well, I don’t know much about farming, so sure, why not.” We made it to the library in a nice time. We let ourselves inside, which was easy considering I lived there. The warm air inside felt very nice against my exposed skin and I let out a small sigh of comfort. Then I tossed the blue stone at Rainbow.

She froze, letting out a yelp of pain. She somehow managed to fall over on her back. Her legs twitched a few times before stopping.

“Ain’t nothing worse than bracing for it,” I commented as I pocketed the stone. “Get used to your new body. I’ll be right back with the bag.” I went upstairs and grabbed the little bag I use to store the stones. I went back down to find Rainbow getting to shaky legs.

“That… that hurt,” he said, his voice much deeper. “Whoa!”

“Yep.” I tossed the pink stone at him. He turned right back into a girl.

“Stop that!” she said as I grabbed the pink stone and dropped it in the bag. I added the blue one a second later.

“It’s pretty funny, though!” I passed her the bag. “Promise me you’ll return it.”

“I promise I’ll return it as soon as we get done.”

“And no using it on anyone but yourself.”

“And I won’t use it on anypony that isn’t me.”

“Good enough for me.” I relinquished my hold on the bag. She took it in her mouth. If you know what I mean.

“Fanks, Naw!” With that, she was out the door.

“I can’t help but feel that I’ve made a terrible mistake…”

“That’s probably because you’re you,” Twilight said, coming up behind me. “What did you do this time?”

“Told a few people things I probably shouldn’t have. You know how it is.”

She shook her head. “No, I’m afraid I don’t. I keep secrets, like a good friend.”

“These were my secrets to tell. I just fear I shouldn’t have.” I shrugged. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Depending on which secrets you told, it could be anywhere from life on the moon to nothing.”

“Life on the moon wouldn’t be that bad. I mean, I’d die almost instantly, so I would have that to look forward to.”

She sighed. “It’s hard to tell—even now—when you’re being sarcastic. You’re way too good at this.”

“I get a lot of practice. So what about you? Are you going to try to drag me off to do something with friends?”

“Nope. I just came back to pick up something I forgot. I’m off to a meeting with the clam jousting club.”

What. “Tell me that’s not a thing.”

“Well, that’s what it’s called. I don’t know why, but they like keeping accurate records. They never let me see what’s going on, though. They go to their private rooms, make a lot of racket, and then come back and tell me to record some things.” She shrugged. “It sounds pretty fun, but they all say I wouldn’t be interested in trying it.”

“Uh huh. Well, have fun with that. Tell Lyra and Bon-Bon I said hi.”

“How did you know they were members?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Well, I’ll see you later, then.” She left.

I was able to hold my laughter in until the door shut behind her. Oh Twilight, you’re so silly. I didn’t even know Ponyville had places like that. I mean, at about eighty percent female, they have to do something, but still! Wonder if that happens in places like Stalliongrad.

Chapter Fifty—Let the Race Begin

Chapter Fifty—Let the Race Begin

It didn’t occur to me until a few minutes after Twilight left, but I had no idea where Taya was. Today was one of her study days with Twilight, but if Twilight was going off to that silly meeting thing, where was Taya? I searched the library and she sure wasn’t there.

“Well, she knows better than to get into any trouble,” I commented to myself. Man, I really am a terrible father.

What she knows and what she does are two different things, apparently. Half an hour after I sat down to enjoy a few hours of nothing, I was interrupted by Taya. “I… may have done something bad,” she said, not meeting my eyes.

“What happened?”

“Two fillies tried to entice me to play with them since I’m your daughter. They didn’t like hearing the word no. So I used the spell I know to enter minds and dragged their worst nightmares up. When I saw how pitiful they were, I gave them my worst nightmares. They were still screaming when I thought it would be a good idea to leave.”

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, I presume?” She nodded. “You probably scarred them for life. They’re both rich, spoiled, not used to any hardships. Mr. Rich is a pretty cool guy. He’ll understand if I have to talk to him. I don’t know Silver’s parents that well, though. This will probably end here, without the need to tell anyone anything. But never do what you did again. Using offensive tactics is a last resort. Always try to run first, and if that isn’t an option, then try for defense. If that fails, attack.”

“You’re not… mad at me, are you?”

“I should be, but I’m not. I’m actually kind of proud. What you did was wrong, but it was smart. You didn’t have to physically hurt them, which was good. Maybe a bit of perspective is what those two need.”

She let out a small sigh of relief. “So what are you planning on doing for the rest of the day?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Vinyl was a bit of a bust. Flaked on me before the day was half gone. Though given we met pretty early, I guess that was fair. Twilight’s off doing something with clam jousters.”

“What’s a clam jouster?”

“Something you’re too young to know about. And don’t ask Twilight, because she doesn’t know.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yep. Do you have anything in mind?”

“Can I practice some spells on you?”

Oh lord. “As long as you’re careful.” She’s always careful when it comes to me. She knows how I feel about magic, after all. I’m glad she’s learning it, though. No one should be helpless, and magic is a great way of making sure you aren’t. Especially if you’re as freakishly strong as she is.

We went to the room Twilight set aside for magic testing. It was warded against all kinds of things.

She closed the door behind us. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked, turning to face me.

“For you, I do.” I snapped my fingers, suddenly remembering something. I slipped the ring off.

A message from everybody’s favorite lord and master Discord

Time inside that warded room broke. I slithered my way through Twilight’s baby wards and stood in front of Taya. I snapped my fingers and she unfroze. She blinked when she saw my smiling face. “Hello, dear,” I said, gripping her in a hug. “You said you wanted to practice your spells. How about we practice something a bit more… chaotic?”

“What did you have in mind?” she asked as I set her down.

“It’s time to teach you how to use my gifts. Aside from the exorbitant strength, that is. I left this here to demonstrate,” I said with a wave to the human body still suspended in time.

“I thought you said I would get to learn this when I was older.”

“My dear, you are older! Every minute, every second, every instance, you age. In the time it will take you to understand this word, you’ll have lost time that you will never get back, making you older. Now, are you ready to learn true magic?”

She crossed her eyes to look at her horn before turning her gaze back upon me. “What’s the difference between unicorn magic and true magic?”

“Unicorns use spells. I use magic. True magic, not limited by thought or ideas. If I think it, if I want it to happen, it does. That is magic. Spells are limited. You have to know the minute motions. You have to know the internal incantations. You have to understand how the magic flows through your focal point. True magic is simpler but harder. You have to learn how to control it or it will seek to give you your every minor whim. But once you learn control, you will never be limited again.”

“Do any ponies know your magic?”

“Celestia and Luna. On the few occasions they are required to turn the planet, they use true magic to do so.”

“Why don’t they tell anyone else about it?”

“Because true magic is dangerous. Anyone can use it—earth pony, pegasus, or unicorn. But if you have the mentality to use it very well, you could essentially change reality. Like right now. Time doesn’t exist beyond this room. There were not many magic users out there that could do something like this. Starswirl the Bearded was one of the last ponies to use it knowingly, aside from Celestia and Luna.” I sighed. “Poor fool… Celestia forced him and his council of mages to spread her spells. She knew that magic was too powerful to be freely used anymore, after one mad fellow used it to bring about a nearly eternal winter. Clover was the first unicorn to ever be taught spells rather than magic.”

I stood in silence for a moment, remembering. It was me that whispered the idea into Celestia’s head. Magic is too powerful, I said. The risks aren’t worth the gains. Celestia and Chrysalis were still on relatively good terms at the time, and between me and Celestia we managed to get Chrysalis to stop using magic as well.

“Their society was already cut into three distinct groups by then. Practitioners of the art were rare outside of unicorn society. It took no effort to stop teaching it. And when the three societies melded, well, by then true magic was just a memory.” I shook myself. “One of the only ponies that actively uses magic—though she wouldn’t know it—is Pinkie. As far as she knows, she just does things. Baby unicorns use it passively, but they forget what they are doing eventually. But that’s enough history. Any questions before we begin?”

“Why are we… using your body for testing?”

“Taya dearest, this is my body. I’m just using that old thing as a disguise for now. Now, a demonstration is in order.”

I appeared at her side and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, lifting her as I extended to my full height. The room wasn’t high enough for me, so I casually extended it. “Reality is nothing to me.” I snapped my fingers and the walls fell away, revealing us on the summit of a snowy mountain. There was no change in temperature or air pressure. Flakes of snow hung motionless in the air. I brushed them away from us, making sure they wouldn’t get in the way. That done, I set Taya down. “Feel the snow.”

She knelt down. “Cold. But the air is warm. And I can breathe easily.”

“That snow will never melt as long as I don’t will it to. Try tasting it.”

She licked it. “Warm cotton candy?”

“Correct!” I swirled my hand in the air, catching water moisture. With a thought, it coalesced into a small cloud. I lowered my hand and a holder appeared. I held it down to her. “Try it.”

She looked at the cloud. With a shrug, she bit into it. “Cake?”

“Red velvet.” I dropped it and let it vanish. “I think that’s enough of a demonstration.” With a snap, we were back in the warded room. “Actually using this magic is difficult. It requires a mindset that isn’t normal. You have to disregard what you see as real and substitute what you want to happen as reality. It is similar to using unicorn magic, but there is so much more to it. Many users required a handicap of sorts. I snap occasionally, an old habit that I never quite lost. Starswirl would rustle his cape, jingling the bells sewn into it. Celestia and Luna had a ceremony of sorts. It’s just a way of focusing the mind.”

“So with this magic you can do anything?”

“There are limits.” So many limits… “It requires concentration to use. If you’re going through trauma, it will be much harder to use. And killing with it is impossible.” So is dying. “That doesn’t mean you can’t kill someone using it, but you can’t just will them dead. You can will a weapon into existence, though.” I reached out and grabbed a gun. “Such a nasty toy.” I tossed it away, letting it disappear before it hit the floor. “But all in all, it is vastly preferable to use my magic than it is to use unicorn magic, assuming you’re willing to give it time and practice.”

“It seems like unicorn magic is easier to learn and progress in, but is weaker overall.”

I smiled. “Exactly the case, my dear. And of course, if you do start learning this magic, you aren’t to use it when any important ponies can see. Twilight wouldn’t know what you were doing, but she would recognize that you weren’t using unicorn magic. Celestia and Luna would recognize it right away. Cadance? Well, who cares what that silly little breeder thinks, assuming she even has two brain cells to rub together.” I smiled. “It was nice of Celestia, to finally let Cadance go to her loved one instead of holding out in hopes of finding a male alicorn. I’ve quite eliminated that hope for her anyway. Not like ponies understand genetics or anything like that.” I waved a hand. “Enough of that. Onto the actual lesson!”

I explained further how true magic worked. She listened intently, doing her best to understand everything I told her. We spent a few hours in there. At the end of it, she wasn’t able to use magic at all.

“Don’t think of yourself as a failure, Taya. It took Celestia herself a week to make any progress at all, and that was with a full-time teacher and evidence of magic all around her. Many ponies couldn’t do anything with this. It’s difficult. You’ll learn, with time and practice. Just no practicing it without me around. And I mean me, not Navarone. The princesses watch through his eyes almost constantly, after all.”

“And you allow that? Couldn’t you stop them?”

“Easily. That’s what the ring is for, after all. But they can still watch him with actual magic, if they want to. They haven’t, but they could.”

She sighed. “Why can’t you just make your presence known? You’ve been nothing but nice to me. Why do they hate you so?”

“It’s a long story. They think I’m evil. That what I do is wrong. Or rather, that what I did was wrong.” I shrugged. “It’s all a matter of perspective. To them it was wrong, and I can see where they’re coming from.” After all, I can read minds. “In all honesty, morality doesn’t exist anymore for me. No right, no wrong. I am incapable of caring. I just want some way to alleviate the boredom. If a few unimportant souls suffer, well, what are they in the grand scheme of things? I am as alone as it is possible to be, aside from a few souls like you that join me. But even those that join me eventually fail, as much as I try to extend their lives. In the end, it will just be me. Again. Surrounded by billions that will flare into existence and then die away. So what do I care if I hurt them? I’ve seen untold numbers of souls come into being. They are replaceable. I know that this viewpoint is evil to most, but I don’t care.”

“As long as I’m not the one suffering, I don’t either. I wouldn’t want my daddy hurting any more than necessary.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. “I’m glad to know that there are those out there that are willing to love me for me rather than for the power I could give them.” Though I knew the offer of real magic helped her decision. And honestly, the thing about extending lives is only partially true. It is possible, but everyone I’ve tried it on went insane around the ten thousandth year. Dragons make good friends, but almost none of them are ever willing to have anything to do with me, and the few that would be willing are often hunted down. I could prolong lives, but I couldn’t make anyone invincible. I suffer that curse alone.

“Are you insane?”

I blinked. “That’s an interesting question,” I said. “Again, I suppose it depends on how you look at it. Most would say yes. I’m inclined to agree. I’ve been alive almost as long as there has been sapience, and that tends to drive a guy mad.”

“Do you have any proof that you’re actually my dad, and not just someone trying to steal me away?”

I smiled. “You should have asked that question first! As soon as we met, that should have been the first question.” I gently laid my lion paw on her head, giving her the memory of the deal I made with Celestia.

“And how do I know what’s real, and not just something you made up?”

“Well, my dear, you’ll just have to trust me. Since I can manipulate reality, I can create illusions that are as lifelike as life. You’ll have to ask yourself what is real and what isn’t.”

“How will I know?”

I looked away from her, off in a direction I try to avoid looking at. “I ask myself the same thing sometimes. How much of what I see is real and how much of it is the madness in my mind?” I looked back at her. “You just have to choose one illusion and pick it as the reality you’re willing to believe in. If you’re right, great. If you’re wrong, you’ll probably never even realize it, so as far as you’re concerned, you’re right.”

“I think I’ll trust you, then.”

“That’s nice to hear you say.” I knew what her answer was going to be anyway, but it was still nice to hear it. I suppose even some ‘human’ comforts apply to me.

“If you can freeze time like this, why can’t we just keep practicing until I understand magic?”

“Because your mind needs time to rest. You can’t just completely change your entire outlook on life in one sitting. No student ever managed anything on his first try.”

“His?”

“Or her. Believe it or not, there was a time when males ruled the world, rather than women.” It’s fun, causing paradigm shifts like that. “Old habits die hard.” Well, the real reason is that I am technically a he. Or at least, I’ve always identified with males. While in all honesty the body I have is easily changeable, the female body never sat as well with me.

Oh, and in case anyone wonders why I’m wearing the body of a chimera—for some reason called draconequus by the ponies—it’s because that shape is disquieting. Some would say terrifying. So delightfully chaotic, the reactions of those that see it so fun to watch…

“So… What now?”

“Now I return to hiding. You show the princesses some pretty spells, courtesy of Navarone’s eyes. Think on the things I have told you. Attempt true magic in your time off, away from anyone. If anyone asks, tell them you are working on human relaxation techniques, taught to you by your loving father.”

“When will I see you again?”

“Oh, it won’t be too long. And soon, you’ll be seeing quite a bit more of me.”

She smiled. “I think I’d like that.” I answered her smile for a moment before snapping my fingers.

I dropped the ring into a pocket and casually popped my neck. “Ready when you are, Taya.”

She shrugged and did some magic. It was pretty alright. I’m still not a fan of magic, but I’m proud of her.

Rainbow Dash thankfully returned the stones before I went to bed. She refused to tell me anything she had done with them, which was probably a good thing. Twilight also mentioned how much more excited the mares at the clam jousting club were that day, and I decided not to pry.

You can only avoid someone for so long. Especially if that someone is Pinkie. I’ll freely admit that no matter how good I am at hiding and whatnot, she will always be better at finding. Eventually, it was bound to happen. The only thing that stopped the confrontation from happening sooner is that she didn’t know I was avoiding her.

I woke up sitting at a table. I had been chilling with Vinyl for a few hours. We were drinking and talking or something. As always, I knew my limits and made sure to stay away from them. I was telling her about some of my less gruesome exploits and she was telling me about all kinds of weird shit her fans did. You know, normal stuff.

And then I woke up sitting at the table. The only light in the room was hanging from the ceiling, focused on giving light only to the table somehow. On the table was a revolver. “What the fu—”

“Hi Nav!” Pinkie shouted, jumping in the seat across from me.

“Oh good, the past few years weren’t a dream.”

“Well, no pony said that, but if it makes you feel any better, you can think it. Let’s play a game.”

I shrugged. “Sure.”

Her grin widened. “I’m going to spin this doohickey. Whoever it lands on gets to go first.”

“Mind explaining the rules? And the name of the game?”

“Roulette.” Oh fun. Ponies have Russian Roulette. “If it’s your turn, you take the doohickey, pick it up, put it against your head, and pull the trigger.”

“Okay. What does the winner get?”

“Well, that all depends on who wins. If you win, you walk free and we all forget about this whole thing. The awkwardness goes away and you stop avoiding me. We do it your way, essentially. If I win, you and I are going to have a talk. What happens is what happens.”

“Oh good, so the loser doesn’t die?”

“Don’t be silly, Nav! I couldn’t talk to you if you died!”

I shrugged. “Humans have a similar game. The loser in that game doesn’t survive.”

“I bet there aren’t many players, then.” She spun the revolver. It stopped pointing at the wall, closer to me.

“More than you’d think,” I replied as I picked it up. “What happens if I’m the loser?”

“Face full of pie.”

“Eh, could be worse.” I put it up against my temple and fired. Nothing happened. I passed it across the table. “So how are you going to pull the trigger?”

She looked at it. “Uh. I hadn’t really thought about that.” She looked up at my hands, resting on the table. “Can you help?”

“Sure.” She passed the gun back. I lifted it up, aimed at her, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. “So how did you get me here, anyway? And what did Vinyl put in my drink? My head doesn’t even hurt.” I put the gun up to my temple and fired. Nothing.

“Oh, the same thing I used on you and Fluttershy before. Roofies, I think they’re called. And I just picked you up and carried you.”

“Man, I’m surprised no one ever calls you out on some of what you do.” I lifted the revolver up, aimed it at her, and pulled the trigger. A pie somehow shot out of the barrel and coated her face. “That doesn’t make sense, but I don’t even care.” I set the revolver down. “See you, Pinkie.”

She used a disturbing tongue trick to mysteriously clean her entire face. “Just because we don’t have to talk doesn’t mean we can’t hang out!”

“Today’s a Vinyl day, and you sort of ruined that. I figured I could go and find her again.”

“You never willingly have a Pinkie day, though! Why can’t we have one of those?”

“How about you have one of those and I’ll go somewhere else so I don’t have to hear it?”

“Oh come on, Nav! It’ll be fun!”

Okay, as annoying as Pinkie usually is, she’s also occasionally somewhat fun to be around, when she’s not being terrifying. And Vinyl probably already found something else to do. I mean, there was no telling how long I was asleep.

“Sure. What are we doing today, then?”

“What, nothing about how your past is too stained to allow you to ever do anything fun anymore?”

I shrugged. “Well, if you really don’t want to do anything, I’ll leave.” I started for the door again.

Pinkie shot between me and the door, blocking me. Of course, that’s not really enough to stop me. I just kept walking.

Of course, her physically blocking me stopped me. She sidestepped in front of me every time I tried walking past her. No words were said. I stopped trying after a minute. “Well?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“There’s really not all that much for us to do… We don’t share many common interests, there’s not really much going on in the town, we always end up baking and I always end up eating most of what we make, and most of our friends are busy. Hm… Want to go on an adventure?”

“What kind of an adventure?”

“We can go hiking!”

“Isn’t it a little late for that?”

“Well that all depends on where we go hiking, now doesn’t it?”

“As long as we’re back before nightfall, I’m okay with it.”

“Yeah, you are a pretty heavy sleeper… We can just go for a walk instead.”

“Sure. Lead the way.” She bounced her way to the door and out it, leading me into Sugarcube Corner proper. We stayed just long enough to get to the door, whereupon we started walking out of town and toward a direction I was all too familiar with: The changeling mines. “Pinkie, let’s not go this way.”

“Why not?”

“Bad memories.”

“What kind of bad memories?”

“The kind that I don’t want to talk about. Let’s go somewhere else.”

She stopped, not moving. “You can’t just hide from your past forever.”

“I know. But I can hide from it for a while. And I can definitely hide it from regular ponies forever.”

“P-shaw! How bad could it be?”

I opened my mouth to respond when she focused on something behind me. I turned and saw Spike approaching at a dead run. He stopped in front of me, panting. “Princess… looking for you…” He held up a letter. I grabbed it and he fell on his back, breathing deep.

I scanned over the letter. “Walk’s cancelled, Pinkie.” I folded the note back up and handed it to Spike. “Send this back, please.”

“You didn’t… even change it,” he panted.

“I know. Send it back.” With a deep inhalation, he did. “I’ll see you two later. I should be back in Ponyville in a few hours.”

“Oh no you don’t!” Pinkie cried, tackling me just as the teleportation spell hit. We both tumbled to the floor of the Royal Science Room, or whatever it’s called.

“That’s odd,” Celestia commented. “I don’t remember summoning you.”

Pinkie bounced off me. “You didn’t. I’m just here to make sure Nav answers a question.”

I picked myself off the floor and brushed myself off. “A question Celestia ordered me not to answer.”

“Princess, did you order him not to answer any questions about what happened at the Diamond Dog Mines?”

She looked from Pinkie to me to Pinkie. “Not specifically, but I did order him to use his discretion when talking to my subjects. That topic does not need to be discussed.” She turned to me. “Navarone, do not discuss what happened at the Diamond Dog Mines with anypony that isn’t somepony you’re comfortable discussing it with.”

“You got it, Celestia.”

She turned to Pinkie. “Stop ponynapping Navarone. This is actually important and it had to be delayed because no pony could find him.”

Pinkie sighed. “Yes, Princess…”

Celestia muttered something along the lines of, “I have to do everything around here…” She turned back to me. “Do you remember what happened after you got back from the changeling mission?”

I looked around for a moment before turning back to her. “Technology?”

She nodded. “With magic and your memories, we have made massive headway. We already have working light bulbs.” She nodded to one of the surrounding ponies who flicked a switched. I heard a generator kick on and then I saw a light bulb turn on. Pinkie gasped. “They are imperfect, however. We are still working on switch gates and the like.”

“This is cool and all, but why am I here?” I asked.

“Because all of this came from your mind,” she answered. “Flim and Flam can only do so much with raw memories. They have to know if something seems familiar to you.” Flim and Flam… Why are those names familiar? I cast a sidelong glance at Pinkie and saw that she was still too busy staring in wonder at the light.

“Alright. Which of these are Flim and Flam?”

“None of these ponies are,” Celestia said. “They’re working in their own room. They invent. The workers here perfect.”

“Then shouldn’t I be here instead of with them?”

“We need to make sure they aren’t wasting their time.”

I shrugged. “You’re the boss.” I looked around the room at the various scientist ponies. “You’re all doing an incredible job. If half of the creations in this room work, you’ve outdone my people by about a hundred years. Even working off memories and half-seen manuals, that is an outstanding job. You do ponykind everywhere proud.” Of course, my kind still had them outclassed in weapons, but I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of. Celestia led me and Pinkie away from that room, wearing a small smile. We walked down the hall for a moment in silence.

“So there’s no magic at all?” Pinkie finally asked.

“None,” Celestia confirmed.

“So… anypony could use these?” Pinkie asked.

“Yes. I think earth ponies and pegasi have been reliant upon unicorns for far too long, don’t you?” Celestia asked.

Pinkie nodded. “It’s about time we got good at something other than farming.” Ah, veiled class/race wars. How fun. Odd to see Pinkie getting involved in something like that, but I suppose she’s still a farmer at heart.

“And you, Navarone?”

“I don’t like magic anymore, Celestia. Anything to get rid of the dependence on it is good for me.”

“I don’t foresee electricity completely replacing magic. But supplementing it? That would be quite nice.”

“Do you know how well Chrysalis is doing in her own endeavors?”

“All we know is that she has her entire research team dedicated to figuring all of this out. They have fewer resources, less ponypower, less magic, and generally just less to work with. By all rights, we should be out-maneuvering them by years.”

Anything to keep the black man down, I guess. Changelings are black in color, if you didn’t realize.

We made it to the next room by that point, so there wasn’t anything I could really say in reply. This room was a lot different than the old one. Where it was clean and orderly, this place was trashed and chaotic. “This is what I like to see,” I commented as I walked in. “The signs of a job actually being done.”

“I’m glad somepony likes it,” a male voice growled. A pale yellow unicorn with bacon hair pulled himself out from under a… How did they even get that in here? It looked like a car mixed with a fucking train. I saw he had a mustache that was half scorched off. “Flim, get out here! Princess and her lackeys have come calling.”

I looked to Celestia. “Had a harder time ‘tying them to the royal yoke’ than you thought, eh?”

“Some ponies care more for their own profit than for the need of all,” she replied as another unicorn that looked almost the exact same as this one came out. The only difference was the lack of a burned mustache.

“What,” he said, looking at us. It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t overly welcoming.

Celestia answered him with a smile and said, “This is Navarone and one of his friends from Ponyville. He is the one responsible for all of the memories I graced you with.”

They both turned to me. Before either of them could say anything, Pinkie spoke up, “You two look familiar.”

“That’s because we tried to scam Ponyville a few years ago,” the mustached one said with a voice full of bitterness.

“Blackmail is a wonderful thing,” Flim muttered, glaring at Celestia.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “I’m paying you two more than you would have ever gotten from owning that silly apple farm.”

“But it isn’t our choice! We were doing just fine without this…” He looked me up and down before sneering and turning back to Celestia. “Without this ape’s help. Magic always served us well. Why would we need anything like this?”

“Because the world turns,” Celestia said. “Navarone, give them a demonstration of why magic is not always reliable.”

I pulled my ring out and casually slipped it on. “Release your anger,” I said to the one with a mustache. “Teach me a lesson. I dare you.”

His horn lit up like a fireworks show. Nothing happened. I casually walked up to him and poked him in the forehead. He was sweating from effort by the time I walked back to where I was standing.

“I think that’s enough of a demonstration,” Celestia said. “That’s enough, Flam.” He didn’t stop. Celestia stomped a gold-shoed foot down, cracking the floor. “Enough!” He finally stopped. Flim and Flam both glared at me. “Now you see the limitations of magic. First, only unicorns can use it directly. Second, there are ways of nullifying it. Nav, your ring?” I pulled it off and held it up for her. She picked it up with her magic and flew it over to Flim. It slid down his horn and he flinched.

A moment later his eyes went wide. “Get it off,” he said in a very quiet voice. Flam reached over with both of his fore hooves. Flim kneeled down and let Flam remove it. Celestia’s horn lit up and it floated back to me before either could do anything with it.

“This technology works for anypony,” Celestia said. “We’ve already been over that, but you seem to keep forgetting it. Maybe this will help it sink in. And if it doesn’t… Well, isn’t that just a shame.” She didn’t sound very sad. “Now, Navarone, poke around. See if anything looks familiar. Pinkie, you stay here.”

I didn’t move, just pointed at the car. “That looks like a mix between a train and a car. Is it coal operated?”

Flam nodded. “We don’t have… gasoline. Or oil. Don’t even know where to go to find it.”

“Dig. All I know is that it’s underground, usually in swamps or the like. So it’s the same as coal. What’s the max speed?”

“Twenty kilometers per hour. I don’t know what a mile is, so I don’t know how to translate that to whatever you’re used to.”

Conversion ratios… “One inch is… Ah fuck it, not important.” I always hated related rates. “That’s faster than I can run and I bet this thing can go a while.”

Flim snorted. “Not quite. The wheels keep shattering on the roads we have.” He walked up to them and kicked one. A wooden thunk echoed. “We don’t have rubber. I don’t even know what that is. If we had a sample, we could make more with magic.”

“I still have my old shoes. They’re ratty as hell, but they have rubber in them. Think that would be enough?”

“Sure hope so,” Flam said. “Wooden wheels just don’t cut it and metal wheels are too heavy.”

“They’re in my room back in Ponyville. When do you need them?”

“Soon as possible.”

I turned to Celestia, who was looking at Pinkie. “Go get Navarone’s old shoes. Nav, where are they?”

“Back of my closet. Watch out for weapons.”

“Have Spike send a message when you find them.”

“Yes, Princess.” With a flash, Pinkie disappeared.

“Now that she’s gone…” I walked over to a table. “Celestia, this looks an awful lot like a weapon,” I said, picking up a large metal rod.

Flim and Flam both coughed. “Er… That’s a—” one of them started before I interrupted.

“A steam powered rail driver. Experimental, I assume.” I turned to Celestia, still holding it. “If they get this thing working, it would be able to shoot large metal spikes about as fast as a crossbow, but with considerably more sound.” I turned and set it down. “Ban it.”

She turned to them. “Is what he said true?”

They shared a scared look. “Well…”

“Sort of…”

Celestia glared at them. “Explain.”

“You told us to duplicate whatever we could find in his mind, but to avoid the weapons,” Flam said.

Flim picked up, “This device was in a… video game, I think it’s called. It shot railway spikes. In the game, it was used as a weapon. But we saw further applications for it.”

“Railways take a long time to plant,” Flam said. “With this, they could cut the time down, as well as the labor costs. We would no longer have to worry as much about workers freezing to death in the mountains between here and the griffin lands.”

“It’s steam operated,” I said. “How do you plan on getting steam in the mountains?”

“Fire. Magic, if it comes to that.”

I turned to Celestia. “Your call. It could be used as a weapon.”

She looked from them to me. “Anything can be used as a weapon, if you have the will to do so,” she replied. “This has a practical use. Your guns do not.” She nodded to the inventors. “You may continue making this. But you will include safeguards, something to hopefully reduce the chances of it being used against anypony.”

They both let out sighs of relief. I shrugged and moved on to the next thing. “And this?” I asked, holding up what looked like an old-fashioned alarm clock.

“That’s our alarm clock,” Flim said. Celestia face-hoofed.

I shrugged and set it down. “Just checking. Never know what you might find in an inventor’s shop.” A letter appeared in front of Celestia. She opened it up. A moment later, her horn lit up and Pinkie appeared wielding old shoes.

Flim floated one to himself while Flam floated over the other. They poked and prodded them while I continued looking. I made the occasional comment while they did their thing. I didn’t really have all that much to say, though. They didn’t seem to mind.

At least it didn’t take me that long to get through everything. I was able to recognize everything there, though I still had one of them explain to me what they were doing with them. Pinkie looked on in wonder at most of the things. I saw her whispering to the princess at some points.

Anyway, Celestia thanked the duo for their time—not that they cared about that anyway—and led us off. “How would you two like to stay at the palace tonight?” she asked.

“Pass,” I said.

“We’ll stay!” Pinkie replied at the same time. She jerked her head to me. “Why not?”

“Because I have a daughter that’s probably worried about me. And you have a job.”

“The princess can write me an excuse!”

“She can’t write me an excuse from fathering. Taya already doesn’t like you, Celestia. No reason to make it worse.”

Celestia sighed. “It’s just one night, Nav. And I’m sure Luna will be happy to see you again.”

“Yes, but sometimes you have to know when to make personal sacrifices in order to keep those dependent on you happy. I’m sure you’d know about that.”

“Oh come on, Nav!” Pinkie said. “Just think, we could have a sleepover with the princesses! We could tell stories and play spin the bottle and truth or dare and give each other makeovers and—”

“Do you really think I want a makeover?” I asked.

“You sure could use one,” Celestia commented. I felt something ruffling my hair. “You have your mane in the same style you’ve had it in since you got here.” Ponytail, for anyone that cares. I cut it myself when it gets too long. I tried going to a pony barber once to get it cut. I don’t like remembering those weeks.

“Celestia, you can’t talk. Neither can you, Pinkie. Neither of you have changed at all since I’ve been here.”

“Well duh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We haven’t been to any sleepovers since you’ve been here either!”

“Let me know how that turns out, then. I need to get home.”

“Can you at least join us for dinner, then?” Celestia asked.

“Nope, not hungry.”

“You don’t even want to say hello to Luna?”

“She knows I have fatherly duties.”

“That hardly answers my question, Navarone.”

“I would like to say hello to Luna, but I do need to get back. The sooner the better.”

“Are you trying to avoid somepony, Nav?” Pinkie asked.

“…No? I’m trying to get home so I can—You know what, fuck it. If you don’t send me back, I’m jumping out the next window and flying back.”

“If you’re going to be that way, fine, you can miss Pinkie’s party.”

“Oh man, I’m getting to go home and I get to miss a Pinkie Party? Fuck yeah, Christmas came early!”

Celestia just rolled her eyes. “Any messages for Luna?”

“Nothing she doesn’t already know.”

She shrugged and her horn lit up. I found myself in my room. I went out to see what was going on. Turns out nothing. We had a nice, quiet night devoid of any kind of partying or unexpected happenings. It was nice.

Chapter Fifty-One—Fuck Appaloosa. Also, more cheeselegs!

Chapter Fifty-One—Fuck Appaloosa. Also, more cheeselegs!

“Why are we going to Appaloosa again?” I asked Twilight. We were already on the train, of course, so it was a little bit late to go back, but it still would be a nice thing to hear.

“It’s Applejack’s tree’s birthday.”

“First, that’s retarded. Second, that’s seriously retarded. Third, I don’t care about a fucking tree. I meant we as in me and Taya. Why are we going?”

“You’re going because Taya’s going. Taya’s going because her teacher is going. Several spells work differently in different biomes. It’s important that she learn now what kind of differences to expect.”

“I fucking hate deserts,” I muttered, looking back out the window.

Approximately three people were happy that we were on the way to some no-account town in the middle of the terribly named Mild West. Applejack, who was going to see a lot of family. Spike, because we were going back to a desert type area with a group of buffalo that revere dragons. And Twilight, because she’s a bitch that likes seeing me suffer. Wait, no, because she gets to teach Taya. That’s definitely what I was supposed to write.

Anyway, Appaloosa. For those that don’t know—not that there will be any, given no one is supposed to read this (fuck you, Celestia)—Appaloosa is a small town or whatever that was thrown up in the middle of a place it wasn’t supposed to be. Buffalo territories surround it. Buffalo are like the Native Americans of my world if all the lies the Native Americans made up about their culture was true. So basically, stereotypical ones. The buffalo got all uppity about their land being stolen or some shit. There was a big hoedown in the town until something ridiculous happened and they all lived happily ever after or something.

So, you know, not how I would have solved it.

I was predicting a long week of boredom and waking up too early. From what Twilight told me, there weren’t that many pegasi there, though. I might be able to just find a cloud or something and sleep up there without risking anyone busting that cloud out from under me. Or if all else failed, I could do like I did in Twilight’s library and move a cloud into a building for a permanent cloud bed.

Those things are fucking comfortable, man.

We were almost there when I asked Twilight why I was going, so it was hardly any surprise when we arrived less than an hour later. I stood and slung the axe over my shoulder. I didn’t really want to bring it, but Twilight insisted. Apparently I’m supposed to have it on me at all times when I’m away from my ‘home base’ or some stupid shit like that. It didn’t make any sense to me, but then the antiquated laws Twilight digs up rarely do. Since she made me take that, she couldn’t stop me from taking my crossbow and some bolts. If I was going to look like a warrior, I wasn’t going to have my ability to fight go impeded.

Applejack was the first one off the train, of course. I wanted to be the last, but Fluttershy was being herself and insisted I go first. Arguing with her is occasionally akin to arguing with a wall, so I didn’t bother.

My first up close and personal impression of the town was rustic. “Yep, this is gonna be a bad week,” I said aloud while looking around. It was a right and proper boomtown, pulled straight out of a Western flick.

And there’s the pony that’s wearing a hat and a western style vest. Gotta have one of those. He even had a faded orange hanky in his left pocket. “Howdy y’all. Welcome to AAAAAAAAPPALOOOSA!” He reared back and kicked his legs out as he said that. “Welcome back, Cousin Applejack! I see you brought the old gang back. But who’s this one?” he asked, turning to Taya. And then he saw me. “My my, you’re a big fella. What’s his name?”

“Sir Navarone, knight of Princess Luna,” I answered, my voice not entirely welcoming.

“Aww, you have him train—urk!” My hand was now wrapped around his throat.

“Not. An. Animal,” I said. “Sir Navarone. Knight of Princess Luna.” He nodded as much as he could with his air flow being restricted. I let him go and stepped back. All the girls save Taya were giggling. “AJ, you knew this was going to happen, didn’t you?”

“Yep! So Braeburn, how’s the crop going?”

“Good,” he croaked, still eyeing me nervously. “So uh… what else are those hands good for?”

I saw him looking at me in a new way that I didn’t like. I reached around to my back and pulled my axe free. I held up the axe with the blade as big as his head with one hand. “And what exactly are you implying, Braeburn?” I coldly asked.

He turned beet red. “Nothing! Nothing at all!” The girls were giggling again. “How about I uh… show you around town? To… make up for offending you?”

I looked around as I put my axe up. There was exactly nothing to see. “Pass.”

“Come on, it won’t take but a few minutes!”

“Not interested. Look, how about you just tell me where the changeling hive is and I’ll chill with Chrysalis for the week?”

His entire body paled. “Ch-ch-changeling h-h-h-h-hive?”

I crossed my arms. “Yeah. Chrysalis told me the capital was near here. I figure she won’t mind a surprise visit.” And maybe I can see my children, which is a scary thought.

He gulped. “W-w-w-we don’t know nothing about… about a changeling hive.”

I rolled my eyes. “So it’s hidden. Great. Spread the word around town that Navarone is interested in going. The changeling agents she has here will either find me or get word back to her.” He seemed to grow more and more scared at each word.

Twilight pulled me back with magic. “Don’t worry about him, Braeburn,” she said. “He just doesn’t like deserts. Don’t let him spook you.”

Braeburn let off a nervous laugh. “If you say so, Miss Twilight.” He turned back to me. “So are you sure about that tour?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’re the only pony ever come through here that didn’t want to take it…”

“And I’m also not a pony, so your record is clean.”

He blinked. “Oh yeah.” Then he remembered Taya. “So, Little Miss, what about you? Are you interested in seeing the sights?”

“No.”

He jerked back a bit. “Really? You don’t want to see the square dancing area? Or the memorial? Or the horse drawn horse drawn carriages?”

“Not really.”

“Oh posh!” Rarity said in her stern voice. “You’ve made Taya so reluctant to do anything interesting, Nav!”

“No,” she answered. “He made me reluctant to do things I don’t want to do.”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Then he made you not like things that sound fun.” She turned to Braeburn. “I would love to take the tour of the town again, dear.”

He answered her with a nervous smile. “Uh… Anypony else wanna join?” No takers. I couldn’t help but smirk a bit.

“Just you and me, big boy,” Rarity said, her voice getting a bit husky. “Do lead the way.”

He gave a small sigh and walked off, tail and ears low. Rarity trotted behind him.

I turned to the girls. “So she knows he’s gay, right?”

“Nope,” AJ answered. “So what was that about changelings?”

“Chrysalis told me their capital was near here. I figured the locals would know. If they don’t, one of the changeling agents posing as ponies would.”

“What changeling agents?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I thought we kicked them all out!”

“You kicked the ones out of Canterlot. But I read a copy of the peace treaty and the alliance treaty. There was nothing about removing agents in either one. And you just know Chrysalis is going to have agents here.”

Twilight hmm’d. “I was working on a spell that would enable me to detect changelings… It eliminates their disguise and makes it so that they can’t change for an hour.”

“No need,” I answered. “She trains her agents well, but they grow lax in pony lands because you guys are terrible at noticing obvious things. We’re being watched by one right now.” They all looked around. Fluttershy was swiveling her head like mad. “I’ll talk to her later, after we get more settled in.”

“If you’re so sure she’s an agent, why would she be willing to talk to you about anything that might break her cover?” Twilight asked.

“Because they know me and I know some things to say to hopefully get them to talk to me.” I shrugged. “Nothing much to it.”

“You could just stay here and not go to that nasty ol’ cave!” Pinkie said.

“Would you deny me a chance to see an old friend, Pinkie? I thought you cared more than that.”

“Well… Can I come, then? Chrissy was my friend too!”

“Pinkie, don’t lie to yourself. You know she despised all of you. Well, all of you but Taya.” They all shrugged and nodded except for Pinkie.

“She did not hate me! She went to my party, after all.”

“Because I asked her to. The only reason she even allowed your presence near her was because I suggested it.” I looked around the town again. “Now, where are we staying?”

The girls brushed past me. “You woulda known that if you took the tour,” Rainbow said.

“Or, you know, one of you could be a good friend and tell me,” I commented as Taya and I began following.

“We could, but where’s the fun in that?” AJ asked.

“Spike, you’re on my side, right?”

“Uh… sure?”

“That’s a plus, at least. So, where are we headed?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. I spent most of my time with the buffalo last time I was here.”

For fuck’s sake… Ah well.

All things were going fine for us until our way was blocked by a brown stallion in a black hat and a blue vest with a star on it. He looked to me. “Braeburn said you were a knight of some kind. That true?”

“Some kind is right, yeah. Navarone, knight of Princess Luna. How can I help you?”

He grimaced in distaste when I said Luna, but didn’t comment. It was a good thing he didn’t. “We got some riffraff in the jail we need to settle out. Outside our jurisdiction. We sent word to Canterlot, but they’re always slow getting any help here.”

“What exactly do you need?”

“I need to see your badge of office first.” I pulled the axe off my back and held it up so he could see all sides of it. He raised a hoof and traced some of it. “Yeah, this is real. Come on.” He started walking off to the jail. I slid the axe up and turned to the others.

“Twilight, you interested? I might could use your help.”

“Sure. Go on ahead, girls. I’ll catch up when we’re done.” Spike stayed with the others as Twilight and I started following the sheriff fellow. Taya dogged my heels, of course.

We caught up to him easily enough. “So what kind of problem do you have?”

“Easier shown than explained. And it’ll make more sense when you see it anyway.”

None of us said anything to that. We reached the sheriff’s office in silence. He led the way in and closed the door behind us. The cells were empty. He saw me looking and said, “We keep prisoners of their nature elsewhere. Not that we get many, of course.” He walked to the side of the building and pulled a rug up. Under it was a cellar door that he raised with a grunt. It hit the other side of the floor with a thud that shook the building. We followed him into the depths.

“Dog and a pony. What’s the deal here?”

“How can you even see them?” he asked. He reached up and pulled something, flicking on a light.

“Magic ey—” The blood drained from my face. “Fido,” I whispered.

The dog looked up from where he had jerked his head away when the lights turned on. I was already back upstairs, in the sheriff’s office. I had my hand on a desk, trying to steady my breathing. Taya was at my side almost as soon as I got upstairs, hugging me. Twilight and the sheriff didn’t take that long to come up, either.

“And just what in Tartarus was that?” the sheriff demanded.

“We have history,” I responded. “It’s best he not see me. Bring the pony up here. I’ll talk to him.”

“I don’t want to let either one of them outta their cell until you hear their story.”

“The dog attacked the pony screaming changeling. The pony fought back in ways it shouldn’t have been able to. Am I close?”

He blinked. “Dead on. How did you know?”

I straightened, turning to lean against the desk. “I told you, the dog and I have a history. Bring the pony to me. Tell him the paramour of Chrysalis is upstairs.”

“Paramour of who? That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Paramour. Of. Chrysalis. Tell him that and bring him up here.”

He shook his head. “You’re the knight. But if he tries to escape, you better not let him get away.” He went downstairs.

Twilight turned to me. “Nav, you look like you saw a ghost. What kind of history do you and that diamond dog have?”

“Let me just say that it’s worse than you could possibly imagine. You don’t need to know anything more than that.”

Taya said, “You should tell her.”

“I can’t. Celestia told me not to.”

“And since when did you follow any of her orders?” Taya asked, starting to get a bit angry.

“When I started agreeing with some of them. No pony should know the blackness that lives in the heart of man. I have my own heart of darkness. I didn’t even have to go to the Congo to get it.”

The sheriff came back up the stairs, leading a placid looking pony behind him. The pony walked up to me and looked me over. When he was satisfied, he knelt to one knee, changing to his natural shape. “Hero,” he said as he lowered his head.

The sheriff was shitting bricks at this point. “But… you’ve lived here for years!”

“Rise, changeling,” I said. “I’m no lord to be bowed to.” It stood, looking at me with expressionless blue eyes. “Did you provoke the dog?”

“No, Hero. We heard about their defeat and knew any remnants would be heading toward the hive. Our job was to watch so we could alert our guards if they tried coming through the pony town. I was not as careful as I should have been. My laxity cost me my disguise and perhaps my life.”

“What is he talking about?” the sheriff demanded. “That dog put two ponies in the hospital trying to get to this… thing! What is going on?”

I sighed. “That dog is a refugee that despises changelings. That’s all you need to know.” I turned back to the changeling. “There’s at least one more agent here, a female. Turn back to your shape, lead me to her, and tell her to go get Chrysalis, some of her guards, and a cage large enough and strong enough to hold Fido.”

“You can’t do that!” the sheriff yelled.

I looked at him. “And why not? He attacked a citizen of another nation that happened to be here. It is only fair that he be judged by the courts of the nation of the citizen he attempted to murder.”

“He’s right, Nav. You don’t know the full story!” Twilight said.

“You’re right, I don’t. But I know more of the story than either of you two. I know this dog. He despises changelings. If we give him to any court in Equestria, they’ll probably let him go so he can try again. The changelings will know exactly what to do with him.”

“And what,” Twilight asked with disgust, “is that?”

Taya and I shared a short look before I turned back to Twilight. “You don’t want to know.” The changeling had already turned back into the pony, complete with western style clothes. “We’ll be back in half an hour,” I said.

The sheriff blocked our path. “I can’t just let you wander around town like that,” he growled.

“Twilight knows a spell that will disable changeling disguises. If she comes with me and keeps that spell ready to use if he makes a break for it, will you allow it?”

I could hear his teeth grinding. “I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.”

“Come on, you three,” I said, leading them to the door. The sheriff stepped out of the way, glaring at us as we passed.

When we got down the road a ways, Twilight said, “You owe me a very long explanation, Navarone.”

“I owe you more than that, Twilight. Changeling, let’s make this quick.”

He started trotting. We followed him, easily keeping up. He stopped at a store and made his way inside. We followed. The mare that was watching me before was at the counter, wiping it down with a rag. She forced a smile when she saw us. “How can I help you?”

“Intelligentsia, sentient, drone,” the male changeling said.

“Egg, larva, foal.”

“I’ve been exposed,” the male changeling said. “Hero needs the queen, guards, and a cage to fit the dog.” He smiled darkly. “Tell them to bring a muzzle.”

The female took a look at me. She nodded. “Hero.” With that, she changed into an eagle and shot out an open window. The male changeling walked over to the door and flipped the sign from open to closed. With that, we went back to the sheriff’s office.

The sheriff sighed in relief when we stepped inside. “No trouble?” he asked.

“None.” I looked at the changeling. “How long should it take for the queen to get here?”

“If she leaves as soon as she gets the message, three hours. The cage will take longer, but she might not bother with that.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot she had some interesting abilities.”

“So why does he call you hero?” the sheriff asked.

“Good question, actually. Why do you call me hero?”

The changeling looked to me. “You saved our queen and our existence. You are the hero of the changelings.”

The sheriff sighed, walking over to a couch behind the desk. “Sounds like a tale. Apparently we got some time. You go right on ahead and tell it.”

“It’s pretty simple. When the queen attacked Canterlot, I helped stop her. Celestia was about to banish her to Tartarus, but I stopped her too. Then I did my best to get Chrysalis accepted by some of the more important ponies. I also found them a good food source.”

“Oh come on. You can make it more interesting than that. Details, Sir Knight!”

I rolled my eyes and plopped down on the couch on the other side of the desk. Taya hopped on my lap a moment later. The sheriff raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. “I suppose the best place to start is the party at Maris…”

I don’t much care for explaining my… feats to people. Occasionally they hear them and expect me to be some kind of hero or something. I’m just lucky, stupid, and really, really smart. I know those two conflict, but you can be smart and stupid at the same time. The luck thing, though, that’s the real kicker. Either way, he kept me talking for a good little while. And thus my fame grew again, though honestly I don’t know how they hadn’t even heard of my existence by then. This place was way the hell out and away from the rest of Equestria, but still!

We were disturbed near the end of my tale by someone bursting through the door. “Sheriff, monsters are approaching!”

We all jerked up. “What kinda monsters?” the sheriff demanded.

“Black, holes all in their body, fangs, bug-shaped ponies!”

“The changelings are here,” I said. “About time. Sheriff, go calm your people down. We’ll be out momentarily.”

He sighed. “Alright. If any of the princess’s agents show up and get mad about what you did, you are getting the flak for this, not me.” Flak… how do ponies know what that is? Either way, he left the building with the random intruding pony in tow.

I turned to Twilight. “You should go and make sure your friends are calm and not trying to attack Chrysalis, if she actually came in person.”

She looked at the changeling in our presence nervously before turning back to me. “Don’t go anywhere without me,” she said before teleporting away.

“The fuck does that mean?”

“She wants to visit a changeling hive,” Taya answered. “I don’t know why.”

“Because she’s fucking Twilight.” I turned to the changeling. “I don’t think there’s a reason for that disguise anymore. Your superiors might say differently, but for now, I think honesty might be a good policy.”

He sighed and changed back to his proper shape. He stretched his wings, now that he could finally feel them again. “If the queen is angry with me, can you…”

“I’ll talk to her, see what I can do. No promises.” He nodded.

The wait wasn’t all that long. A group of changelings came in and the one at the head—an intelligentsia, I believe—asked, “Where is the dog?”

I looked at the changeling that had been a pony and nodded toward the cellar. He led the group of changelings downstairs. Taya and I went outside to find Chrysalis and all six of the girls—Spike was nowhere to be found—glaring at each other. Or rather, the girls were glaring at Chrysalis. Whatever.

Chrysalis had her back to me. I walked up next to her and stopped at her side. “We’re all allies here, even if not friends,” I said.

“She’s here to steal somepony away!” Rainbow yelled.

“No, she’s here to take a prisoner away. And it’s not a pony prisoner.”

“Well then who is it?” Rarity asked.

“Do you remember the diamond dogs? Because they remember you, Rarity. And they most definitely don’t like you. They offered me ten bags of gems to kidnap you, cut your tongue out, and bring you to them.” All six of them were shocked and disgusted. “The dog in there is the one that made the offer. He also offered me twenty-five bags to kill Chrysalis. And he assaulted a changeling here in Appaloosa, so he’s under Chrysalis’s jurisdiction.”

“Are you sure that’s how it works?” AJ asked. “Seems to me like he deserves some frontier justice for wanting to hurt Rarity here.”

Rarity jerked back a bit. “Heavens no, Applejack! Even a ruffian such as himself deserves a fair trial!” She turned to face me and Chrysalis. “And I intend to go with him to see that he gets it!”

“Unacceptable!” Chrysalis and I said at the same time. I nodded to let her go first. She continued, “He is a dangerous criminal. He assaulted one of my changelings and he will be judged for it. I do not need a pony looking over my shoulder making sure it happens! I have been ruling for just as long as your precious princesses. I know how to give a trial.” She nodded to me.

“A changeling hive is no place for any pony, let alone one as delicate as you. I took Taya to one once, and I have no desire to bring her to another. They are dark, uncomfortable, and miserable if you’re a surface-dweller. You have no place down there.”

“So we can hold the trial up here!” Rarity turned to Chrysalis. “It’s not that I don’t trust you to give him a trial. I don’t trust you to give him a fair trial.”

“I will ensure that,” I said, crossing my arms. “As a knight, I have some kind of responsibilities or powers or something like that. I’m exercising them now. I will deal with this issue, Rarity. Trust me.”

She sniffed. “A proper trial needs witnesses!”

“Of which we have two. The changeling that was assaulted and the dog that did the assaulting. Chrysalis is an expert at reading memories. She can find the truth of the matter quickly.”

Rarity faltered, there. “But… but how will anypony know if she’s telling the truth?”

“How would anyone know a regular witness is telling the truth?” I countered. “I trust her.”

There were grumbles among the crowd that had formed around us. The dog came out of the sheriff’s office, at this point. He was surrounded by changelings and a female dog that was leading him to our group. The real dog didn’t seem to be seeing anything around him, aside from the female dog.

“Sir Navarone has placed his trust in me,” Chrysalis said aloud. “Do any of you seek to contest that?” No one met her eyes, though they didn’t seem that happy about it. “Bring the prisoner, then. Navarone, join us.”

“Taya, stay here with Twilight.”

Twilight said, “I’m going with you.”

“Like Tartarus you are!” Rainbow said, jumping in front of her. “If you’re going, I’m going!”

“And if she’s going, I’m going!” AJ said, stepping up to her side.

I stepped in because I knew what was about to happen. “Then it’s a good thing Twilight isn’t going.”

“I want to study one of the hives, Nav. I’ll be fine!”

I rubbed the back of my head. “Chrysalis?” I asked, turning to her.

“Twilight and Taya may come. Just them. You are responsible for them, Navarone.”

“I don’t like this,” Rainbow grumbled. “Don’t do it, Twilight! It’s not worth the risk!”

“When else am I going to get to study the changelings?” Twilight asked, a grin forming on her face. “This is gonna be great!”

“Hmph! You better make sure he gets a real trial, Twilight!” Rarity said.

“Of course, Rarity.”

“And make sure he’s taken care of,” Fluttershy said. Forgot she was there, for a moment.

“Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy.”

“And make sure to have fun!” Pinkie exclaimed, throwing a balloon at her from nowhere. It hit Twilight in the face and flew up into the sky.

“And be safe,” Rainbow said.

“I’ll be fine. The changelings are allies of Equestria. They wouldn’t harm anypony.”

“And be sure to get back soon,” Applejack added. “You might miss Bloomberg’s birthday otherwise!”

“And I sure… wouldn’t want that!” Twilight said nervously, giving some shifty eyes. They all bought it, of course. Chrysalis and I rolled our eyes.

“If you are coming, then come. We need to leave now if we wish to get to the hive before nightfall.” Twilight teleported away and then teleported back less than fifteen seconds later. She was now wielding a set of saddlebags and an irate dragon.

“I don’t wanna go!” he said, still shaking his head.

“You can’t always get what you want, Spike,” Twilight answered. “I need my number one assistant there to help me take notes!”

Chrysalis sighed. “No time for this.” Her horn glowed and her eyes lit up. Spike chose that moment to turn his head—or had his head turned—and caught her gaze. His eyes went dull.

“I… wanna go…” he mumbled.

“Then that’s settled,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“How did you do that?” Twilight asked, astonished. “He’s heavily resistant to magic!”

“She can explain it on the way. Let’s go.” The changelings started leading the dog—still heavily entranced—away. Chrysalis and I followed. Taya followed me. After a moment, Twilight started following as well, Spike still on her back gazing numbly at Chrysalis.

“So… how did you do that? And when will he be fixed?” Twilight asked when we were outside of town.

“Magic. And I’ll release him when we get to the hive. And I’m giving you a choice, Twilight. Blindfold, or let me do to you what I did to him.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I can’t just let you know where the hive is. Sure, Celestia knows, but I don’t want just anypony knowing.”

“But its location is pivotal to my understanding of how you live! If you’re near a river—”

“Twilight, give it up. She’s not going to let you get anywhere near that place without making sure you can’t remember where it is.”

“Ugh, fine! I’ll take a blindfold! You better not let me trip on anything, Nav.”

Chrysalis magicked up a bit of black fabric and flew it over to Twilight, who pulled it out of the air with her own magic. She tied it around her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. “Happy?” she asked, sounding miserable.

“Navarone, make sure she can’t see.”

I walked up to her and stuck my foot out in front of her, making her trip. “She can’t.” I helped pick her up and set Spike back on her back.

“That wasn’t very nice, Nav!”

“I’m not a very nice person. At least I helped you up. Taya, guide her and make sure she doesn’t trip on anything. I need to talk to Chrysalis.”

“Not without me you don’t!” Twilight said, trying to nose herself up next to me but failing when she stepped in a small pothole and stumbled. I caught her, stopping her from falling.

“I need to talk to her about personal stuff, Twilight. Nothing to do with the dog.”

“…Promise?”

“I promise that we won’t discuss anything about the dog that I think you need to hear.”

“Promise that you won’t talk about him at all.”

“That’s as good as you’re going to get. And since you’re blindfolded, good luck finding us in the group of changelings.”

“Nav, I’m being serious! This is an important thing, you shouldn’t decide this yourself!”

“I’m not deciding anything. Chrysalis is the judge, remember?”

“Fine! Do it your way, then! But don’t think I won’t tell the princess about this!”

“Okay. Taya, watch out for her.” I went and caught up with Chrysalis. “Guilty?” I asked.

“Guilty,” she confirmed. “He’ll make a useful addition to our feeding chambers. His love for his mate is strong.” She giggled. “Or rather, it was. You and I helped nip that in the bud, though.”

That hurt. That hurt a lot. “Anyway… my children. How are they doing?”

“Perfectly well. They are into their larval forms now.”

“They? How many are there, exactly?”

“Three. An average sized brood, for me. There was one griffin that gave me eight. Now that was an interesting labor.”

“I don’t suppose it would be possible for me to see them while I’m here? Just me, I mean. Not Taya or Twilight or Spike.”

“Of course. I assume you didn’t tell anypony?”

“Nope.” No one but Celestia. “This isn’t… something I want getting out.”

“What, ashamed of me?” She was smirking.

“I don’t think the news would be well-accepted. It’s not something I want anyone to find out about. I still can’t even believe it’s possible!”

“If I could explain it, I would. It is just a curse I have.”

“I could definitely see that as a curse… Just raise them right. I don’t want a Mordred on my hands.”

She looked surprised. “How did you know I named the male Mordred?”

I face-palmed. “Thank God I’m not a prince.”

“You know, if you marry Luna you will be…”

“First, no chance in hell of that. Second, my name’s not Arthur. As long as he doesn’t show up at my doorstep in twenty years demanding his birthright, I’ll be happy.”

She blinked. “Oh, that old tale! My name is not Morgan la Neigh, Navarone. I have all the power I need, now.” We walked in silence for a moment. “Although… I can give you children, Nav. She never can.” I felt her tail brushing against me lightly.

“Luna went full fucking psycho on me, so she isn’t even an option anymore. Assuming you have a way to avoid pregnancies in the future, I’ll happily fuck you silly when we get some free time.”

“My my, what brought this happy little change? From the way she described it, you two were practically soul mates!”

“Not quite. We were adults about it, thankfully. There were a few tears shed, I believe, but she handled it well enough.”

“Oooh, so you’re free?” I felt her tail actually wrap around me, now. She pulled me a bit closer.

“Something like that, yeah.” I set a hand on her side and gently rubbed her carapace. “We’ll have time for fun later.”

“Or I could take you right here and now. I don’t think you could resist me long.”

“Why do I always find myself surrounded by dangerous women who want me?”

“Because you wouldn’t settle for all the safe mares that wanted you. Or maybe you just like to live on the edge. Either way, I’m not complaining. And I don’t hear you complaining either.”

“You know my past, or at least a bit of it. I’ve gotten well-used to not being in control.”

“Ooh yes, and how fun it is when you’re not!”

“Lord, I don’t even want to think about it. I’m still tapped out from Luna’s estrus. That was fucking hell.”

Chrysalis recoiled a bit. “You voluntarily sat through her estrus? You must not know your history.”

“That’s what killed it for me. She went too far. I actually sprinted out of her fucking room.”

She nodded. “Yes, I remember hearing horror stories about her estrus. It is no surprise to me you could not last. There is no shame in it.”

“Yeah, I’m not ashamed at all. It was… it was terrible. But enough about it. What can I expect from this hive?”

“More. Everything that was in the other hive and some. And there are a few electric lights. Not many, but we have some.”

“That’s good to hear. So will Twilight actually be able to see?”

“A little. There is enough light for outlines, at least.”

“Good. Now, can you make us invisible?”

“What? Why?”

“We’re being followed. I want to make sure we lose them by the time we turn to throw off the people in town from thinking your hive is this way.”

“Followed? Followed by who?”

“Rainbow Dash and Applejack.”

“I have a better idea…”

“We can’t hurt them.”

“Troops, attend me!” All the changelings turned to her. “We are being followed. Two of you turn to lizards and lie in wait here. When they come this way, put them to sleep. Do not harm them.”

“Wait!” Twilight said. “I can talk to them!”

“You had your chance,” Chrysalis said. “They didn’t listen to you. Shows how much trust they put into you, doesn’t it?” She turned back to the changelings. “When you put them to sleep, one of you will remain with them until they awaken to make sure they come to no harm. And when they awaken,” she smiled darkly, “give them my regards. Now go.” Two changelings molded into lizards and the rest of us continued walking.

I fell back a bit so I was walking with Taya and Twilight. “Which pocket is the paper in, Twilight?” I asked.

“Left.” I reached in and pulled a bit out. I leaned onto her back to scratch out a short message.

I held it up to Spike. “Chrysalis wants you to send this to Celestia, Spike,” I told him. He jerked his head to me.

“Really?” he asked his voice full of wonder.

“Yep. She’d be ever so pleased.”

He grabbed the paper with a big grin and sent it away.

I patted Twilight’s neck amiably. “There. If anything goes wrong, Celestia knows where we’re at.”

“Thanks, Nav,” she said. “I don’t expect anything to happen, but just in case…”

“Yep, just in case. Now, do you know a spell to help you see in the dark?”

“I can create light, if that’s what you mean. Why?”

“Changelings don’t light their caves. They can all see in the dark and when magic is hard to come by…” I shrugged, not that she could see it. “Well, some things are more important than others. And you won’t be overly popular if you create light down there. You’ll blind all the changelings who aren’t used to seeing light.”

“Surely they have some lights, though!”

“Yeah, in their buildings. Even then, it’s only in their rooms, not in the general layout of the buildings. And please, don’t ask to see any of their feeding chambers. I’ll bring food to you three while we’re down there.”

“Nav, I need to see how the changelings feed if I’m to write anything on them.”

“Twilight, you don’t—watch your step, rock—you don’t want to see it. It’s horrifying. Taya, tell her.”

“He’s right,” she quietly answered. “It’s not worth it.”

“Oooh, what would either of you know about science?”

“More than anypony you would know,” Chrysalis answered. I didn’t even notice her falling back to our little group. “He’s the reason we have more lighting than we usually do.”

“What do you mean, more lighting than usual?”

“He showed me his world through his mind. The technological wonders. The power his people hold. The wonders of his so-called modern era…”

Twilight scoffed. “Impossible. He told me all about it too. I humored him at the time and it did sound wonderful, but the things he described are impossible without magic.”

“He told you about them, you said. But did he show you? Did he let you look into his mind?”

“I didn’t know it was possible,” I answered. “And Twilight never offered. I wouldn’t have agreed, either way.”

“It isn’t legal to do for anypony not in the guard!” Twilight said.

“It isn’t?” I asked. I looked to Taya and picked her up. “How did you know that spell?” I whispered.

“I saw Shining Armor use it on you three times. I figured it out from there,” she quietly answered.

“Don’t use it on anyone else. And hope that Diamond Tiara doesn’t figure out that’s what you did to her.”

“Yes, daddy.” I set her back down.

“I’m going to regret opening this conversation up, but what are the differences in changeling magic and unicorn magic?” I asked.

“Style,” Chrysalis answered. “We do things differently than the ponies. That’s the only difference.”

“Are you sure?” Twilight asked. “I remember…” She blushed lightly. “I remember seeing your spell in Navarone’s mind. It looked very different from the others but it had the same effect.”

“That’s what different style does,” Chrysalis answered in a longsuffering tone. “It makes the same spells look and cast differently.”

“How do you know so much about unicorn magic, anyway?” Twilight asked.

“Because I helped invent the spells, you twit. And before you ask, no, I won’t explain that. I have been alive longer than Celestia. I know a thing or two.”

“But… Spike, take note!”

I reached over and poked him. “He’s pretty out of it, Twilight. It’ll have to wait.” I could practically hear her teeth grinding.

“Fine,” she forced out, her voice dripping with venom. “If you helped invent the spells,” she said in a tone that was now full of sarcasm, “why would you change the style?”

“We didn’t. Ponies did. You use your magic more than we do, thus your styles evolve more and more as you have differing teachers. You have more spells than we do now, and we do not have another Starswirl to aid us. We make do with what we can loot, what we can steal, and what we can pick from the minds of the unicorns that we capture.”

“You know, I’m sure Princess Celestia would send you some top magic teachers if you asked.”

I sighed as Chrysalis huffed. “And be forced to give even more concessions to that… princess of yours? I do not want any ponies in my cities at all, especially those high and mighty university professors! I have agents in the university at Canterlot, even now. They always talk of the arrogance the professors display in the face of the best and brightest Equestria has to offer. I will not listen to them berate and belittle my changelings for living in squalor when squalor is all we have in which to live.”

“Then why not send some of your more gifted changelings to the university?”

Chrysalis smiled. “I have. They don’t look like changelings, of course. Did you not listen to me mention my agents?”

“I… I thought you meant they were… other kinds of personnel.”

I smirked. “What, just because they’re black they have to be janitors? That’s racist, Twilight!”

“No-no, I didn’t mean—Wait, what?”

“Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I know what you meant. Chrysalis, continue.”

“I’m done, actually, unless any of you has a question.”

“Sure, I’ll bite,” I said. “How do you get your hair to do that thing with the holes?”

She ran a hoof through her mane. “Skill, mixed with a bit of magic.” She shrugged. “I could probably do something similar to your mane, if you let it loose.”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“I would like to see it loose, though…”

I reached around and pulled the rubber band out and shook my head a bit, trying not to throw sweat everywhere—even if it was February, we were still in a desert. My grey hair flew everywhere. “Getting about time to cut it,” I said, pulling it away from my face.

Her horn lit up and I felt some of it lift. “Interesting,” she whispered. “Full of muted life. This is no ordinary mane.”

“Correct. I’m fucking Samson.”

“I don’t know who that is,” she said, still toying lightly with my hair.

“Old story from my world. Not important.” Cut my hair and I’ll be weak, I believe. I’m not going to let Chrysalis be my Delilah.

“This is all a mess, Navarone,” she finally pronounced. “I suggest you find somepony to help you deal with this.”

“I’ll think about it.” No I won’t.

“No you won’t,” Twilight said. “I’ll be sure to tell Rarity about the queen’s suggestion.”

“Now that’s just cruel,” I commented as I put my hair back up.

“Cruel, but necessary,” Chrysalis said. “Something must be done with that mess. Most changelings do not have hair, so there are none that specialize in dealing with it. If there were, you would have it fixed at the hive.”

“Speaking of the hive, how much longer until we get there?”

She looked around. “Another two hours. For you. I will meet you when you arrive. Honor guard, fall in.” With that, she flared her wings and took to the sky. A cadre of changelings followed her and formed up around her as they flew away. Our number now had around seven changelings, me, Twilight, Spike, Taya, and the dog.

“So. Navarone. Tell me what happened with this dog,” Twilight said.

“I already told you, I can’t. Celestia’s order.” And thankfully, she actually did give the order this time.

“I think, given current events, that it’s pretty important I know what happened.”

“Watch out for that hole.” She stepped over it. “Honestly, it’s not. What happens to the dog does not concern you nor is it your business.” We heard a buzzing in the air and a changeling joined our group. “Did the ponies following us put up any resistance?”

“They dropped like a rock. Weren’t expecting it at all.”

“Good. Thank you.” I addressed the head of the pack, “Start heading directly to the hive. We’re in the clear.” We turned toward the direction Chrysalis had flown off. “Twilight, it’s really not something I want to talk about even if I could.”

“It’s just…” She sighed. “You never talk to us anymore. Any of us. Sure, you’re willing to talk about our lives and things we did, but you rarely bring up anything you’ve done anymore.”

“Because I’m not proud of a lot of it. It isn’t anything you ponies need to know about. If I had the choice, not even Celestia would know. Besides, I don’t like talking about myself. Never have.”

“But you don’t mind talking to others about themselves.”

“No, I don’t. Well, I mind it less. I’m not much a fan of talking to people at all, but given my position, that’s hardly an option.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “At least you’re willing to tell me that much. What could possibly be so shaming that you aren’t willing to tell your friends?”

“I’m not talking about this. I’m sorry. If you truly want to know, ask Celestia.”

“Okay, I will.” She moved her head from side to side. “Ugh, can you take a note for me?”

“I suppose.” I reached into her pack again and pulled out more paper. “What do you want to say?”

“Dear Princess Celestia, Navarone is being an insufferable buffoon again. He refuses to tell me, his friend, what he did with the changelings to make him so depressed and self-centered. He told me that if I wanted to know, I would have to get your permission. Would you kindly allow me this one thing so I may help my friend get better? Your loving student, Twilight Sparkle.”

I looked over the note. ‘Yo Baby Cakes, Twilight’s being herself. Tell her that she can’t know what happened with the changelings and the dogs. She won’t get off my back about it. Yes, I told her you said I wasn’t supposed to say anything. Oh, and we’re almost to the changeling hive now. Feel free to start eavesdropping in on me if you want. Your hop on hop off lover, Nav.’ Close enough.

“Spike, another message from Chrysalis. Send it on, buddy.”

“Wait. Taya, read over it. Make sure it’s accurate.”

I rolled my eyes and handed it to Taya. She looked over it. “It’s paraphrased, but it amounts to the same thing.”

“Fine. Send it.” I took the note and passed it to Spike. He sent it away.

“So… what’s a hop on hop off lover, daddy?”

Twilight face-hoofed. I sighed and explained obscure indie music to Taya as we continued our walk.

“And that’s why hipsters are bad people,” I finished just as we made it to the entrance to the hive. We had long since gotten the expected answer of no from Celestia. Twilight let off her typical exasperated sigh when she had all of the changelings in the group confirm that it did, in fact, say no. Most of them were drones and couldn’t read or talk, but with a hefty dose of quiet moving, we managed to convince Twilight that all of the changelings confirmed what I said. And it was true, so I didn’t feel bad. “So uh… how do we get down?” I asked.

“I’ll go get a crew and the queen,” one of the sentients said. He dove down the hole.

“Can I take this blindfold off yet?” Twilight asked.

“No. Wait until Chrysalis tells you to.” She sighed again. “You really aren’t missing a thing, Twilight. Trust me.”

I heard the buzzing of insect wings. I looked over to the hole just in time to see a large group of changelings and Chrysalis bursting from the earth. They flew up for a moment before returning down to our group. “Grab the dog, the dragon, and the ponies,” she commanded as she landed in front of me. “Take the dog to processing. The ponies and dragon go to the palace.”

“What do you mean, processing?” Twilight demanded.

“That is none of your business.” Changelings were already moving to grab everyone mentioned.

“Don’t worry, Taya. You’ll be fine,” I told her.

“I know.” It’s a shame I wasn’t strong enough to carry her for too long anymore.

One of the changelings grabbed Spike and jumped into the hole. The ones carrying Taya followed. And then went Twilight, slightly panicking at having her feet off the ground. The dog went last. Soon, it was just me and Chrysalis at the top.

“Straight drop?” I asked.

“Not this time. We’ve made some changes in our hives after the Diamond Dog episode. Follow closely.”

I ran a finger down her side. “Given who I’m following, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.”

She smirked. “It is just us two up here. I don’t know if the others would mind if we took our time…”

I smiled and jumped in. A moment later, she followed me.

I let her zip ahead, since I didn’t know the way. We took a few twists and turns and one ridiculously sharp angle before we made it to the cavern, where I found myself stopping short. Chrysalis noticed and joined me as I hung above the massive city. “Mother of God,” I whispered.

This place was just absolutely massive. It was dotted in sparkling lakes and had huge luminescent mushrooms growing around all the water sources. Gems of all kinds glittered around the ceiling, each letting out a unique shine. Buildings big and small decorated the cavern, each a vast contrast to the blocky buildings in the hive near Ponyville. These buildings had aesthetic appeal, arches and spikes and towers flowing off buildings, connecting the entire city. From where I was, I could see crowds of changelings going about their day, actually seeming to converse. A few statues were erected in various courtyards, each with a large plaque beneath them. Hell, there was even a statue of me in one of those places.

I had to do a double take on that one; I wasn’t wearing a shirt in it.

“I take it you like my city?” Chrysalis asked, smugness in her voice.

“Hell yes. Much better than that depressing place we went to before. There’s actually light here, with the mushrooms. And there are a few electric lights.” Not many of them. It took me a second to notice that some of the courtyards were lit up.

“That depressing place was meant as a temporary mining and observing hive. Only later was it reconstructed as a true home. The other pods were much nicer, but you didn’t get a chance to see them.”

“Shame. So, straight down?”

“No. They’re en route to the royal palace. Probably already there by now. Shall we?”

“Lead the way.” She started off again and I followed her, still looking around the city. It was around the size of Canterlot, I believe. I couldn’t tell what color almost anything was, as my night vision made everything black and white, but it was still nice. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was all black and green anyway.

We landed in a courtyard next to a massive building that looked like it went all the way to the ceiling of the cavern. “Spare no expenses, eh?” I asked when we landed. I saw that all the others were in the courtyard already, save for the dog. “Twilight, feel free to take the blindfold off.”

“Ugh, finally!” Her horn lit up and the thing came off her face. “Oh ha ha, Nav.” She couldn’t see a thing. “Now, how about you let Spike go?”

Chrysalis’s horn lit up and Spike jerked. “Huh? Where am—” He looked around. “Oh dear Celestia… This. Place. Is. AWESOME!” He hopped off Twilight’s back and ran over to the statue.

“Spike? Come back, I can’t see!”

I laid a hand on Twilight’s head. “I got you, don’t worry. Taya, come on over, the way is clear.” She walked toward my voice. I stopped her with a hand when she got to me. Wait… “Twilight, cast the spell that lets you see what I see.” Her horn lit up for a moment and she gasped.

“Look around, Nav.” I did. She had her eyes closed, probably trying to focus only on what I could see. She shuddered when I moved my head quickly. “So disorienting. Go slow.” I slowed down a bit, still looking around.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Chrysalis said in a bored voice. I jerked my head her way before I could help it and Twilight groaned.

“Spike, come on back,” I called. He sighed and plodded back to the group. I turned back to the queen. “Well, do you have anything planned for us?”

She barked a laugh. “No. I was in the middle of something when one of my agents showed up saying you were requesting my presence. She explained the situation or I never would have been able to get away. I can have somepony give you a tour of the city, but it will have to be without me. I have to return to managing my kingdom. You are welcome to stay as long as you desire, but I can’t promise it will be all that entertaining.”

“Do you have any libraries?” Twilight asked.

Chrysalis gave her a rather ‘what the fuck’ look. “We live underground in near permanent darkness. Most changelings can’t even read, let alone write. We don’t have the materials to make paper or the time to waste writing books or the space to waste storing them. So no, we don’t have any libraries.”

“Well sor-ry,” Twilight muttered.

Chrysalis turned back to me. “Do I need to get her a muzzle? Or maybe a leash?”

“She’ll behave,” I answered, patting Twilight on the head. I got a glare in my general direction for my efforts. “I would like to see more of the city before we leave, and there’s still that matter we discussed before,” meaning my children, “so if you could give us some kind of guide, that would be awesome.”

“Of course, Nav. I’ll have rooms drawn up for you as well. It will have to be the same style as you had last time, though; guest rooms are few and far between in changeling cities.”

“Fair enough. Just make sure we have a spare bed. I actually need sleep this time.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Your guide will arrive here shortly. Do not wander far.”

She didn’t give us a chance to answer, just melted away in a green fire. Twilight flinched when she saw it.

“Twilight, you want a more complete view of the city?”

“What do you mean?”

“I fly over it and you watch through my eyes.”

“Uh. Sure.”

“Can I come too?” Spike asked before I could take off.

I slung him over a shoulder. It’s somewhat surprising that he’s still so light. I took off, gaining air as quickly as possible. “Feels so good to get a proper stretch in,” I commented as we rose. “Train cars are so confining.”

“They’re fine for me,” Spike answered.

“Yeah, you’re smaller than I am. When you get to be my size and when you get your wings, you’ll know what I’m talking about.”

“And won’t that be a fun—Oh wow!” I got to where we could see the city again.

“Take it all in. Ain’t no telling if we’ll be able to come back up here.” I cast my gaze around, trying to give Twilight as much of a view as possible.

“This place is so cool! How long do we get to stay here?”

“Few days at the most. I know I’m welcome to fucking move here.” I pointed my statue out to him. “The changelings quite like me.”

“Is that… you?”

“Yep. I had no idea they were building that, but there it is. Apparently I’m a hero here.”

“Well, you’re a hero in Equestria too, but you don’t have any statues!”

“Yeah, but there are plenty of other heroes in Equestria, of several races. Here, they don’t have nearly as many. And I’m the only one here with a statue that isn’t a changeling.” He looked around and saw that it was true. “I hope the changelings here don’t treat me any differently than the ones at the other hive.”

“How did they treat you?”

“With indifference. It was nice.”

“I think I’d rather be treated as a hero than indifferently.”

“That’s because you’re not used to being treated as a freak. Remember Egypt? And then Israel?”

“Oh yeah…” Before he could say anything else, I let my wings furl a bit and dove down, holding onto him tightly. I caught myself from hitting the ground a few feet above Twilight and lowered myself to the ground gently. Spike hopped down with a clicking of clawed feet on stone.

“Get a good view?” I asked.

She magically shoved paper and a quill in Spike’s hands. “Yes. Now, take note…” She droned on about something or another. I didn’t pay attention enough to remember what she said.

I want to say she was winding down when the guide got there half an hour later, but it sounded like she was just getting started. Spike had already gone through several papers, each magically dried and carefully pressed into Twilight’s saddlebags. I don’t know why she has such an insatiable urge to study every little thing, but I suppose that’s just who she is.

I had to poke her a few times to get her attention to tell her the guide was here. Given that she couldn’t see him, I could understand that, but still. Wait… Taya said they had glowing eyes. So I guess Twilight really is just bad at noticing things when she gets like that.

“So, what can we expect from the tour?” I asked the guide. I couldn’t tell if it was a girl or a guy and I really didn’t care.

“You can expect to be shown the hive,” it answered in a voice feminine enough for me to assume it was a chick.

“Well, that was a useless answer. Lead the way.”

“Ask a stupid question and you’ll get a stupid answer, Nav,” the guide answered.

“…Doppel?”

“The very same. What, can’t you tell?”

“No. All you changelings look the same to me. Pheromones?”

She nodded. “That’s how we tell each other apart.”

“Spike, write that down!” Twilight interjected.

“Phero… How do you even spell that?” Twilight gave an exasperated groan and used her magic to rip the paper out of Spike’s hands. She thrust it at me and apparently used my eyes to hold the quill so she could write the word with magic. She then pushed it back at him.

“You could use Spike for that.”

“I tried! You’re less resistant to magic than he is. Now… Doppel, what can you tell me about the pheromones?”

Doppel gave Twilight an incredulous look. “They exist. We use them as identifiers. What more do you want?”

“Is it a smell? A feeling? Do you have a sense beyond the normal five? How do you detect them?”

“What’s a smell?”

I said, “You ever been near a body after it’s been sitting out for too long and it’s rotting?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you feel something in your nose that was unpleasant?”

“No. Nothing different about a rotting body than a live one, other than us not being able to use the rotting ones for food.”

“Interesting,” Twilight muttered. “Spike, write that down. Changelings have no sense of smell.”

Doppel turned to me. “So what’s a smell?”

“It’s a sensation in your nose when you detect airborne something something that something something. Can we get on with the tour?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, if we must. Do you want to see anything in particular before we do get started?”

“Nav’s statue!” Spike said

“I really don’t know if I want to get up close and personal with that thing,” I commented.

Twilight smirked. “What, afraid of getting too much attention from all the adoring fans that notice you look very similar to the statue?”

“Doppel, will that be a problem?”

“You’ll get more attention here than you will at Epsilon, but that’s not saying much. Changelings are, for the most part, pragmatic and down to earth. Most of us don’t hero worship.”

“Most?”

She grinned. “You’ll be fine. I’ll be sure to throw the statue on the list of things to show you. Now come on, this is a big city.” She started leading us into a corridor.

“So why haven’t we seen any other changelings yet?” Twilight asked.

“Because this is a courtyard in the royal palace. Not many changelings come here. We don’t have many guards or a large standing army since we have so few enemies or predators underground. The only hives with large military presences are to the north, near the griffin territories.”

“And there’s no crime?” Twilight asked.

“None. Ever.”

“That’s impossible! Even Canterlot has some crime.”

“Then I guess that’s something we have up on ponies,” Doppel answered in a smug voice.

“Think about it, Twilight,” I said. “Any criminal in a place like this is probably going to be found nearly instantly. And if they identify each other with pheromones, there’s probably no way to block them. It’s likely that a crime scene would be hot for days after the crime happened. Crime can’t really exist in an environment like that.”

“So you think it’s more a physical impossibility rather than a cultural difference?” Twilight asked.

“I wouldn’t say impossibility. And I’m sure culture would play a big part in it as well. Why would they need to steal if all they need to survive is emotion and they don’t have any strong desires? A drone doesn’t have many thoughts beyond ‘do what I’m told.’ Intelligentsia have no need for crime, since they’re well provided for anyway. Sentients are the only ones that might need to do something illegal, but when you were raised with the singular motive of serving the hive, you wouldn’t know that crime is ever an option.”

“Sounds… interesting,” Twilight said. “Spike, write that down.”

He looked at her with a funny look before he remembered that she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know how to spell several of those words.”

“Ugh! Nav, you are now promoted to temporary assistant.”

“Pass. You know I can’t write without something hard to write on. I don’t know how Spike does it.”

“By not writing too hard,” he answered. “That and the paper she gets is usually pretty thick.”

“Eh, whatever. Either way, I can’t write your notes for you.”

“Yeah, but I can use your eyes to do it.”

“Whatever floats your boat. Just know that I’m going to be checking out the sights. Not every day that we get to be the first ever extra-changeling race allowed peacefully into their capital.”

“Not that impressive,” Twilight muttered. In a louder voice, she continued, “I prefer Canterlot.”

“Well, nothing’s keeping you here,” I said. “I’m sure Chrysalis would be happy to send you packing.”

“No, it’s my duty as a scholar to archive as much as possible about anything undocumented. The changelings have always been a poorly understood race. Quite like the naga. It’s amazing how you have such a habit for finding races like them and getting in close with them. This will be the third species I’ve been able to study that you’ve gotten me access to!” Cats and naga being the other two, of course.

“Luck. And how interesting is it that I’ve also had sex with all three of them. If you come to the next Europe party, you might have a chance to talk with dragons. If any of them would be interested, that is.”

“Would any of them?”

“Psh, no. The only thing that I learned from the dragon chick I met is that Spike will be glad that he’s fire resistant if he ever starts fucking one.”

Twilight gasped at that. “Nav, don’t you talk that way in front of him!”

Spike said, “Twilight, I’m as old as you, if not older.”

“That’s ridiculous! You’re ten years younger than I am.”

“No,” he countered. “Dragons age differently. I learned that during the Dragon Migration.” I should point out that he’s actually as tall as she is now.

“Then why—”

“There are better times for this conversation,” I broke in. Doppel was watching with every sign of amusement, and we were finally where other changelings could see us. And we were getting a whole lot of looks. I saw a few lips being licked as they eyed Twilight and Taya. “Spike, guide Twilight. Taya, stay by my side. Doppel, make sure they know why we’re here.”

Doppel stepped forward a bit. “Citizens of Alpha Hive, listen well and spread the word: This is a small delegation from Equestria. Sir Navarone and his squire Spike the dragon, assistant Twilight Sparkle, and his daughter Taya.”

“Assistant?” Twilight muttered darkly, glaring at me.

“Squire?” Spike also added before looking at me as well. I let my shrug encompass them both.

Doppel was continuing: “The queen expects them to be treated with respect. It is not every day we get visitors to the hives, after all.”

One changeling stepped forward from the small crowd around us. “Can we feed off them?” he asked, eyeing a shrinking Twilight.

“No,” Doppel answered. “Sir Navarone is the reason we have food. You are not going to harm him or any of his dependents.” The changeling that asked bowed his head for a second before backing into the crowd.

Another stepped forward. “Are the rumors about you true?” she asked, looking at me.

“I just got here,” I answered. “I don’t know what rumors about me exist.”

“That you slept with our queen. That you led the vanguard against the Diamond Dogs. That you are the reason we have electricity.”

Oh wow. Rumors that are actually true. “I didn’t lead the attack.”

“But you planned it,” the changeling said.

“Yes, I did.” The changeling nodded and backed into the crowd as the other one had.

“What attack?” Twilight asked, confused. I ignored her. The changeling crowd around us began to disperse and Doppel continued. “Nav, what attack?”

“Nothing, Twilight.”

“It’s not nothing! What happened?”

“Remember that note from the princess? I am not allowed to discuss it.”

“You just did, with that changeling!”

“What Celestia ordered was that I not explain to those I am not comfortable explaining it to.”

“You… you can explain to a random… changeling,” that word had extra venom, “but not to your best friend?”

Best might be pushing it. “Yes,” I answered.

“That doesn’t make any sense, Nav!”

“I can imagine. Doppel, how far are we from wherever we’re going?”

“Not too far,” she answered, looking back with a smirk.

“This isn’t over, Nav!” Twilight promised me. Just keep telling yourself that. “And it isn’t over for you either, Spike!” I imagine he was thinking much the same.

Doppel said, “Ah, I can just taste the tension in the air. You are always so filling to be around, Nav. I can’t even remember the last time I was hungry, ever since we met.”

“Maybe my human memories are just more vivid.”

“They most definitely are. Pony memories taste stale, hardly worth eating.”

“Spike, write that down!” He muttered something dark and did as Twilight said. “So how do changelings taste?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never eaten one,” Doppel said.

Twilight let out a frustrated sound. “Twilight, you’re such an easy target,” I commented, poking her gently on the side. She practically growled at me. Doppel and I giggled, which just did wonders for Twilight’s mood. She was nearly steaming by the time we got to the first place Doppel brought us to.

“This is a repository of learning,” Doppel said as we walked up the steps. I had a hand on Twilight, carefully guiding her up. Taya was on her back. Spike was walking next to me. “We don’t have books, but we have to teach our children trades somehow. They learn here, in a relatively safe environment.”

“How do they learn without books?” Twilight asked. To her, that was nearly blasphemy.

“Through experience. We have tradeschangelings come in and teach practical skills. Masonry, the occasional carpentry skills, mining—though most of that is done in the field—magic, building, basic combat, how to use disguises and hide among different societies, and various other skills are taught. Students are given a background in every skill and are guided down the correct path for them—or occasionally pushed down a needed path in times of hardship.”

“Do changelings have any kind of cutie mark?” Twilight asked.

“Remember the pheromones? As a changeling starts down an occupational path, they begin to take on identifiers of that path. Certain… smells, you would say. Every changeling is different, but two miners have more similar pheromones than a miner and a mason.”

“You said you occasionally force them down paths,” I said. “What does that do to their pheromones?”

“They pick up the identifier of what they became, not what they wanted to become. A changeling forced into mining would identify as a miner. What about you, Navarone? Do you have any kind of identification?”

“Nope. Humans don’t get anything physical like that. We can get ink tattoos, but we pick them. We can also wear different clothes to identify status, but anyone can put on a suit. Some jobs have uniforms, but when you get home you remove it.” I shrugged. “It’s nice, not having anything forcing you down one path or another.”

Twilight sniffed. “It’s hardly forcing anypony, if it’s something they’ll love.”

“And humans are vastly different from ponies,” I said. “I couldn’t imagine doing something all my life, even if it was something I loved. Especially now that I’ll have such a long life.”

“Sounds to me like you’re just afraid of commitment,” Twilight slyly commented.

“How long is this fucking staircase?” I asked, getting tired of this.

“Well, it would help if you two had been walking instead of talking,” Spike said. He was standing at the top, a few steps ahead of us. His hands were on his hips and he was glaring back at us. Doppel just giggled as she walked up to the columns aligning the front of the building. I guided Twilight up the rest of the way and looked back down. There weren’t even ten steps behind us. What the fuck?

I just shook my head as Taya hopped down and we began following Doppel again. “So how many kids does this place teach?” I asked.

“There aren’t any goats in the hive,” Doppel answered.

“How many fucking changelings, then?”

“None of our teachers have sex with the students.”

“Fine, fuck it. I didn’t care anyway.”

“All of the foals of the hive come here, Nav,” she said. “This building is large. We won’t visit all of it. Queen Chrysalis just mentioned that your friend likes magic, so I thought I would show her one of our magic classes. One of the teachers might be there, even if none of the students are.”

“Why not just come back when there are students learning?” Twilight asked.

“We might. But now you know where the building is, and can come back whenever you desire.” Doppel continued leading the way down relatively dark halls. The inside of this building reminded me of the office building thing we entered in the hive near Ponyville. Twilight tried looking in some of the open doors, but wasn’t able to see anything but the occasional set of glowing eyes watching us. I saw a few smaller changelings with the regular sized ones. I assumed they were students staying behind to talk with their teachers.

Doppel finally stopped outside one door. I didn’t see anything different about this one from any others, but maybe it was a pheromone thing. She knocked, waited a second, and then pushed the door open. It sounded like she whispered something to the changeling inside. A moment later, she beckoned us inside. I gave Twilight a gentle push so she knew she could enter. I followed her, with Taya behind me. Spike shrugged before joining us inside.

There was a teacher there with two students. “You are here for a demonstration, Sir Navarone?” the teacher asked.

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble,” I answered. “Would you mind if we lit the room up a bit? My friend is less able to see in the dark than I.”

The teacher looked to Twilight. “Why would you even enter these caves without being able to see?”

“To learn! And I didn’t think it would be that much of a problem…”

He shook his head. “Create light if you must. It would be interesting to see how a unicorn did it.” Her horn lit up and a small globe of light lifted from it and settled near the center of the room. Twilight looked around, finally able to see.

“A few tables, a small dueling range, a few crystals…” She turned back to the teacher. “How do you teach without any kind of paper? Or proper tools? You don’t even have… What?”

The teacher was giving Doppel an ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ look. He turned back to Twilight. “We teach practical magic. Not many changelings are able to use spells. For those that can, we don’t teach wasteful practices such as those you use. We need to conserve their energy as much as possible so they can benefit our society rather than hinder it by using more resources.”

Twilight looked aghast. “Wasteful? I’ll have you know that I performed that spell flawlessly!”

The teacher stomped a hoof down and turned to one of his students. “Show her.”

Twilight’s light turned sickly green. I blinked and watched the student harder. Her horn was barely letting off any light at all. With the sound of shattering glass, the light tore itself to pieces.

“Impossible!” Twilight uttered, completely shocked.

“Not impossible,” the teacher answered. “Hard, yes. But with all the excess magic you poured into that spell, it was easy enough for any half-trained student to tear it apart using itself.”

I didn’t understand a word of that. I did, however, know where this was going. I nudged Spike with my foot and jerked my head toward the door. He nodded and we silently backed out. We walked back the way we came a bit. We stayed within sight of the door, but we couldn’t hear anything being said and they couldn’t hear us. He sank to the floor with a sigh. I joined him there. It was a shame neither of us could lean against the wall, but with his tail and my wings it was impossible.

“So how did we get here, anyway?” he asked. “I don’t remember the walk at all for some reason.”

“You were… reluctant to come. Chrysalis did something to your head.”

“That sucks. But at least this place isn’t so bad. What kinda food do they have here?”

“The hive we went to before had mushrooms.”

“…And?”

“Mushrooms. That was pretty much it. They might have some gems, but I don’t know if they’d give them to you.”

He sighed and kicked at the ground. “Why are we even here? Twilight never said.”

“I am here because I had to escort a prisoner that attacked a changeling. I also didn’t want to stay in Appaloosa.”

“That place wasn’t so bad. I know I liked it.”

“That’s just because the buffalo respect dragons.” Fear is more like it, probably. In a place as flat as where the buffalo live, I imagine a single dragon could probably take out whole tribes with no problem. They’d have nowhere to run or hide. When they first met Spike, they met him after accidentally kidnapping him. They probably thought his parents—large dragons—would come by looking for him and destroy the tribe. By treating him well, they hoped he would tell the parents that it was an accident and get them to spare the tribe. Of course, that’s speculation, but it seems likely to me. “If you’re me, and so vastly different, I imagine meeting the buffalo would not have been enjoyable.”

He shrugged. “Braeburn sure seemed to like you.”

“I’m not gay. I’d prefer not to deal with his advances. Hopefully he got the message.” If not, I was going to make sure he understood—assuming I had to deal with him again, that is. “Anyway, I’ll do my best to get you three out of these caves as soon as I can. I know you and Taya don’t want to be down here.”

“What about you?”

“I love the changelings, man. They’re awesome. I’d rather be down here than in Appaloosa.”

“If you say so…”

The door to the room we left Twilight in banged open. It was already open, it just opened the rest of the way with a loud boom that reverberated down the halls. Twilight stalked out with a nasty expression on her face. Taya followed her, looking her normal relatively ambivalent self. Oddly enough, none of the other changelings looked out at the noise.

Twilight looked up and down the halls, not being able to see a thing. “Where are you two?” she demanded.

“Should we?” I whispered to Spike.

He sighed and stood. “Down here,” he called. Twilight began trotting to us, looking even more unhappy. Taya followed, a bit more subdued.

“And just what were you two doing?” Twilight snapped.

“Just chilling,” I answered. “Are we moving on with the tour already?”

“Yes! Now lead the way out of this infernal building.”

I looked to Taya. “Two passwords.”

“Bacon, watch, password.”

“Alright.” I knelt down next to her and whispered, “New word is illegal.” I stood up. “Come on. I suppose Doppel can find us on the front steps.”

“That insufferable mare?” Twilight asked, her voice dangerously icy. “I’d rather be led around by a… a hydra!”

“Yeah, she can be annoying at times. But at least we’re being led around and we aren’t being eaten.” She just hmphed and didn’t say anything.

When we got to the entrance, there was a relatively small hydra waiting for us. “I heard this form would be preferable,” Doppel’s voice said, coming from three mouths at once.

“Yeah, that’s creepy as fuck,” I said. “What’s next on the tour?”

“The feeding chambers are closest,” the hydra said. “And I suppose you are all likely hungry. I don’t know how long non-changelings can go without food.”

“Can you really wander around the hive like that?” I asked.

“Well, I could. It wouldn’t be a good idea, but I certainly could. I have a lazier idea, though.” She shrunk to a very small version of herself. Her itty bitty wings flapped and she flew up and landed on my head. “Onward, trusty steed!”

I reached up to my head and grabbed her. With a gentle tug, I pulled her free and moved her in front of my face. “What was that?”

She smiled sheepishly. “Uh, please?” I set her back on my head and she casually sprawled all over it. “Now then, shall we?”

Twilight didn’t look overly amused at her antics. I lifted Taya up to put on Twilight’s back, but a purple light shone in front of Twilight and she began walking down the stairs. I set Taya down with a shrug.

“Next time, make it a red light,” I said when we were at the bottom. “That screws with night vision considerably less.”

She hmphed again.

“Just because you aren’t as good at magic as you thought is no reason to act like a cunt. Use it as motivation to get better or something.”

I think she actually growled at me. I smiled and patted her on the head before walking on down the path.

I didn’t really describe the hive well, so I suppose I should go ahead and do so for those of us who aren’t lucky enough to have visited Alpha. The primary mode of changeling transportation is flying, as they all have wings. Most buildings had several entrances that weren’t connected to any kind of path, though every building had at least one entrance that someone without wings could get to. The reasoning for this was that some changelings become crippled or something and can’t use their wings. So there were walkways and stairwells all around the hive, each leading to and from several buildings. Most of them were in the air, above the ground floor. The entire place felt like a hive from Warhammer 40k without all the technology and Emperor worship. It was certainly dark enough to be one; even with the mushrooms and the few electrical lights, I had to guide Twilight and Taya along.

At that moment, we were on a very high path. It was a pretty awesome place, all things told.

The guide on my head pointed us down the path. I took the lead and we started off yet again. We got several more looks than we had before, but most of those watching us cut their gaze off when they noticed Doppel perched on my head.

When we finally got to the feeding chamber, I stopped and turned to Twilight. “You don’t want to see this,” I said.

“How bad could it be?” she asked, brushing past me. She casually flung the doors open with magic and sauntered inside.

I gently shook my head and followed, Taya and Spike right behind me. We found Twilight standing just inside the door, gaping in horror at the sight before us. This room was fully lit with electrical lights, giving everyone a clear view of what kind of hells awaited inside.

I looked around and saw the sadness mixed with love etched onto the faces of the ponies in the cells, as well as the ambivalent looks the changelings in disguise gave them. I heard the wailing as some changelings walked away from cages. I saw as some ponies tried ramming into the cell walls, only to be uselessly repelled.

I nodded. “Yep.” With that, Taya and I continued walking through the large room. Twilight had sunk to her belly, her legs unable to hold her. Spike was just looking on in horror. We left them like that.

“Should we just… leave her there?” Taya asked when we were out of earshot.

“Oh God no. I just want Twilight to get kicked out of the hive for making a scene. This is the easiest way to do it.”

“Aren’t you worried about her hurting anyone?”

As if on cue, we heard a small explosion behind us. I pulled Doppel off my head and put her on Taya’s. “Here, hold this.” I slipped my ring on and shot back off behind us.

Twilight was shooting fire at one of the cells, trying to melt the lock. I saw part of the floor was blackened where she had tried to explode it already. What she didn’t seem to realize was that these cages were very powerfully magic proofed; after all, they have to keep violently in love unicorns inside.

All the changelings in the room were rushing away, those that weren’t already outside. Spike was pulling Twilight’s tail, trying to get her to stop. Most of the prisoners were screaming. I grinned as I ran down the hall. I live for this shit.

When I got close enough for Twilight to see me coming, I leapt into the air, slid my ring off while I was flying, and landed dead on her back, sliding the ring over her horn as I landed. As soon as I got settled, I slid the crossbow off my shoulders and had the strap in her mouth as a bit. I pulled her head back as she tried to fight. That caused her to rear back to try to knock me off, but Twilight never really was much of a physical pony. I had her under control in less than a minute.

And she was pissed. I could practically feel the waves of anger dripping off her. Spike had backed away, he was so afraid. “Now, when I take this bit out of your mouth, what are you going to do?”

I wasn’t really expecting an answer.

“She is going to thank me for my benevolence and give my people an apology,” Chrysalis’s voice said as she serenely walked up to our group, glaring at Twilight. “I give the ponies one chance to send me a visitor, and this is what happens. How disappointing.” She looked up to me, her eyes softening. “Thank you for stopping her, Nav. Once again, you have my thanks.” Her glare returned as she looked back down to Twilight. “Well?”

I let the bit slide out. “You’re a monster! Evil! How could you do this to anypony?”

“Because we need to eat. Because your princess deemed the crimes these ponies committed worth giving them to us. Because their cries of suffering amuse me. Yes, to you I am evil. You could even call me a monster. But I don’t care. You are no longer welcome in my caves, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight stomped a hoof down. “I refuse to leave anypony like this. If you want me gone, you’ll have to force me out!”

Chrysalis’s gaze moved to Spike. “You. Send a message to your princess. Detail what happened. Let us ask her opinion, shall we?”

Twilight turned to Spike. “Do it. We both know the princess couldn’t have allowed this!” She then turned her head back to look at me. “And get off me.”

“Coulda said please,” I muttered as I slipped off her. She didn’t say anything to that, which was probably a good thing.

Spike finished writing his note and blew it away. A moment later, we received a reply. Twilight ripped it from his hands—with a hoof, somehow—and quickly read over it. Her face fell before turning bright red, her anger returning. “Princess, how could you?” she whispered.

Chrysalis used magic to tug the paper from Twilight’s hoof. She read over it with a triumphant grin. She looked up to Twilight. “It’s a good thing you didn’t unpack.” She turned to Doppel. “Go get some drones. They will take Twilight Sparkle back to the surface and you will lead them to that no-account pony town.” Doppel bowed and cantered off, finally returning to her normal size.

“What about me?” Spike asked.

“You are welcome to stay or leave. Same for you, child,” she said to Taya.

“Taya needs to stay with her teacher. Might as well get something done this week. Spike, that’s your call.”

“I’m not leaving Spike down here!” Twilight said, finally coming to her senses.

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow before turning to him. “Spike?”

“As cool as this place is, I think I’d prefer Appaloosa.”

I shrugged. “Your choice. I’ll stay down here for a little while. I have business to take care of.”

“And what kind of business could you possibly have?” Twilight demanded.

Chrysalis ahemmed. “The dog, perhaps?” she answered. “Or did you forget what happened with him in your haste to assault my changelings?”

“I didn’t—”

“You did,” Chrysalis butt in. “At least one injury was reported. And we still haven’t perfected feeding times yet, so several changelings will have their meal times delayed now. We usually do our best to give our prisoners at least eight hours of sleep, and their sleep schedules will be affected. For this one action, you have injured at least one changeling, delayed the schedules of several more, and put a large dent on the hive’s efficiency. All because you could not control yourself. And Celestia spoke so highly of you back when I was in Canterlot. She must be so disappointed.”

Twilight flinched at that. If there was anything she hated, it was disappointing Celestia. I don’t know why; I mean, I’ve gotten fairly used to that. Maybe I don’t care as much because to me she’s more of a friend than a mentor/mother figure/teacher/goddess. Although now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I saw Twilight’s mother at the wedding.

“But I…” Twilight slumped, trying to find words. “I just… How can I make it right?”

“By leaving my hive.” As if on cue, we heard the buzzing of changeling wings. Chrysalis turned to them. “Remove these three,” she commanded. I pulled the ring off Twilight’s horn as the changelings surrounded her.

“Be safe, Taya,” I said as two of them gently lifted her. She silently waved as they took her away. I saw a few tears dropping from Twilight as some of them flew her away.

Chapter Fifty-Two—I fucking hate bugs

Chapter Fifty-Two—I fucking hate bugs

When they were gone, I turned to Chrysalis. “Well alright then. I assume you have something planned?”

“For today, no. Again, I am busy. It will not be until tomorrow that you will have a chance to see your children.” Her horn lit up and a small bag appeared. She passed it to me. “You have free run of the city. The laws are common sense. Ask any changeling for directions if you need them. When you tire, return to the palace. Do you have any questions?”

“Is there any place where sunlight filters through? I might need some of that eventually.”

“No, there’s not. There are, however, guards posted at the tunnel to the surface. Ask any of them and one will escort you to the top.”

“Awesome. Thanks, Chrysalis.”

She smirked. “No problem, Nav. It is the least I can do after what you have done for us. Now, I have a kingdom to continue running. Hopefully this will be the last distraction of the day.” She disappeared in a flash of green fire again. I looked around the room and saw that a few changelings were returning. I then checked the bag she gave me and saw that it had chunks of iron in it. I shrugged and pocketed it.

With that done, I started toward the door. I didn’t know where anything in particular was and I knew there weren’t any signs, so I was just going to wander around for a few hours. What’s the worst that could happen?

I hate everything.

I hate you, I hate ponies, I hate changelings, and I especially hate giant motherfucking ants.

I loaded the last bolt from my quiver and took aim. With a gentle twitch of the trigger, the bolt flew true and crunched into the skull of another ant in the swarm attacking the hive, dropping it and providing a mere obstacle to the insane number of ants right behind that one. I sighed as I dropped the crossbow and pulled my axe out yet again. It was already covered in gore, sticky ant juices all along it. I wasn’t much better, all things told; my entire body was covered in a mix of changeling blood and ant goo. There was a little bit of amber tree blood here and there, where a few ants got too close with their serrated pincers.

Oh, they weren’t actually out to get me. I didn’t even register as an enemy to them. That said, I also wasn’t an obstacle to them. They’d casually run me over without a thought in the world. Or if they were attacking a changeling that was a little too close to me, their pincers wouldn’t be greedy in who they hit.

“There is no more falling back!” Ditto called out as he flew above the mass of changelings guarding the building. “This is our nursery, where we store our larvae. We will fight to the last changeling. We will hold out until the queen arrives. Use magic only on large bundles. Give Navarone plenty of room to swing that monster. Do not let any of them past this line. In her name!”

There was no cheering. The only sound was the clacking of the ants as they marched inexorably on. And the screams from other parts of the hive, of course. The battle had been raging for nearly three hours now.

My day had been going so well. I was just chilling, wandering around the hive, seeing all sorts of cool sights. And then the screaming started. I flew up a bit and looked around until I saw a tidal wave of chittering insects crashing over the city, pouring out of a few side tunnels. From there, I fought with several groups of changelings. Often, I fought until I was the last survivor. Normally, my fighting style—hah, yeah right—wouldn’t do me any good, but to an enemy that doesn’t see you and fights as a swarm? Swinging randomly does wonders.

I hefted the axe in my hands as I watched the tide of ants grow closer. There was no shifting or twitching in the ranks around me, even though none of these changelings here were actually soldiers. The few soldiers alpha hive had were guarding the food halls and the queen as she flew around the city, doing her thing. Apparently, all changelings can double as militia when the hive is threatened. And thus, the group that was mostly behind me were random changelings, remnants of past battles all gathered together in one spot to defend the future of the hive.

I popped my neck. “Let’s do this.” At that cue, the ants were among us. I swung my axe, bisecting the head of the first one. It dropped, trying to drag my axe with it. With a small grunt, I pulled it out. Gotta sharpen this damn thing. I removed the side legs of one of the ants beside me, immobilizing it for the changelings to further dismantle.

I took a small moment to look around before jumping into the air, letting my wings carry me over the ants in front of me. I landed on the back of one of the ants further behind the front lines. I swung the axe into its skull, leaving it for dead, then jumped off its back and onto another one, repeating the process. I kept that up, hammering at the ranks of those in the back before they could get to the front, trying to hinder the movements of other ants as they rushed to the changeling lines.

When the blade of my axe got too dull to slam into the exoskeletons, I started using the spike at the end of it to impale them. It didn’t do nearly as much damage, but it was usually enough to kill most of them.

“THE ANTENNAE!” I heard a voice scream out. “GO FOR THE ANTENNAE!”

I eyed the axe and dropped it, letting it bounce off the back of the ants. I drew my knife and started hacking away at the giant antennas of the ants around the one I was standing on. As soon as I cut them off, the ants started going wild, attacking all those nearby. I grinned as I started doing that, just cutting antennas off left and right and letting the ant hordes kill themselves off.

When the knife was pulled from my hands by a rampaging ant, I just found an ant that I hadn’t fucked up yet and started pulling on his antennas. I found that I could control it by pulling left to make it go left and right to make it go right. If I pulled on both, its pincers would snap. With that, I started seriously having fun.

Well, up until every single ant in the hive just stopped moving completely.

I was having the time of my life, riding a giant ant and causing it to kill other giant ants, when suddenly the one I was on jerked to a standstill, surprising me and getting me to nearly tumble off. “What the hell?” I asked aloud. It was then that I noticed how close I was to the changeling lines. I warily stood up and jumped from ant to ant back to the lines, doing my best to keep balance. “What happened?” I asked when I was sitting on the head of the ant closest to the lines.

“Their queen is dead,” a random changeling answered.

“So, what, we win? Awesome.” I jumped down from the head and started combing over the bodies, looking for my weapons. A changeling passed me my crossbow, but I found that it was pretty banged up and the string was broken. I slung it over my shoulder and kept looking. I found my axe faintly glittering under a dead ant and managed to push the ant up enough to pull the axe out. With a grimace, I put it back in its loop on my back and shuddered at the feeling of the slime running down my back. The knife was the hardest to find; it was embedded in the thorax of an ant near the front lines.

By the time I got all the weapons back, the queen had arrived to our little last stand area. She was looking over the field of casualties—both ants and changelings aplenty were dead. When she saw me jumping back, she let out a small smile before turning back to her people. She was giving a small speech that I was too far away to hear. I could have flown back, but I think my wings were too covered in nastiness to do much in the way of flying. When I made it back to the lines, her speech was done.

I sat on the back of an ant as she approached me. I would have stood, but I was feeling really tired. “I see you had fun,” she commented as she looked over my body and weapons.

“Not my definition of fun, actually,” I replied. “I need a bath and a few bandages. And then I need a bed. I don’t even know where my small bag of clothes is… they could be anywhere, honestly.” I don’t remember where I was when I dropped them. It was only a week’s worth, so it really wasn’t a big deal.

“If they’re found, I’ll get them to you. But their blood is poisonous, Nav. If you are injured, you likely need healing.”

“I’m relatively immune to most poisons, but I won’t say no to healing. Do what you can.” Her horn lit up and gently touched me. I shivered as I felt my wounds close.

“There. Again, it is the least I can do. You didn’t have to stay here and help fight. Especially since the ants didn’t even seem to notice you, apparently.”

I shrugged. “Gotta earn my keep somehow. And after what Twilight did today, I figured earning some goodwill for Equestria wouldn’t be looked down upon.”

Her grin returned. “I think we both know you set her up. But yes, your help was appreciated. If there is anything I can ever do for you, just let me know.”

I stretched a bit, showing off my wings. “Point me to a bath. I need to get this grime off me. And then find me a bed.”

She nodded. “You’ll find both in the palace. Can you get there yourself? I have things to take care of here and elsewhere in the hive. I may have killed the queen, but there are still plenty of ants left alive that need to be removed.”

I looked around. “Yeah, I can find the palace. Getting there will be another story; I don’t think I can really fly right now. I’ll do what I can.”

“No. Stay here.” She walked off to her escort. A moment later, three changelings flew up to me. Two of them grabbed my arms and gently lifted me off the ant I was sitting on. They casually carried me to the palace and dropped me off right at the entrance. One of them stayed and walked me inside while the other two flew back off. Not a word was said by any of the three of them.

The one that walked me inside showed me to a large room. With a salute, he walked to the end of the hall and jumped out a hole there and flew away. I shrugged and walked into the room. I quickly found a bathroom and began washing.

Of course, changelings don’t have hot water or towels, apparently. I suppose they don’t need either of them when they have carapaces that can block external feelings and that they can just shake dry. Still, it felt nice to get clean, even if I did have to wrap a blanket around myself for decency.

I was running a whetstone down my axe—even with that, I was still probably going to have to have it repaired by a professional when I got back—when Chrysalis returned. She walked on in like she owned the place. Which, all things told, was fair—after all, she did own the place. I looked up and nodded when she walked in.

“Good to see you looking clean,” she said before using magic to throw a bag at me. I caught it and saw that it was my bag of clothes. “You won’t be getting any of your bolts back, I fear, but at least we were able to return those.”

“Thanks. How bad were the casualties?”

She grimaced. “It wasn’t good. We are not unused to monsters roaming in from the deep, but it is rare to have such a large assault. Very rare…” She sighed. “It could have been worse.” She reached up to her head and pulled the crown off before setting it on a dresser. “I don’t suppose you could give me a massage to help me relieve some of this stress?”

“I’ll do what I can, but you’d probably be better off getting a professional to do it.”

“There are no professional masseurs here.” She walked over to the bed and plopped down on it with a deep sigh. I shrugged and gently sat on her back, noting as I did that I still wasn’t wearing pants. Not like she cares. I began gently rubbing her body, doing my best to find hard areas and wear them down. I didn’t know much about massaging, but I have done it in the past for some ponies. This was hardly any different.

I didn't realize it at the time, but when I look back, I honestly wonder how I massaged through her carapace. This world, man...

When I was finished, she was actually asleep. I sighed and pushed her over a bit before lying down on the other side of the bed. As an afterthought, I grabbed a pair of pants and threw the blanket over her before joining her in sleep.

As it turns out, it was a good thing I put on pants. I woke up being cuddled by a bug queen, her forehooves on my crotch. I twitched my wings a bit and felt around to find that I was pretty well stuck. I could get out of bed, but I’d probably wake her up doing it. I gave a small shrug and just settled back down, letting myself try to sleep again.

I would kind of like to know what it is about ponies and cuddling against me, though. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Cadance, Luna, Sunshine, and now Chrysalis all seem to enjoy it. It was kind of awkward.

…even if it did feel nice, being held.

I was slipping in and out of consciousness when she woke up half an hour later. I didn’t move, just waited to see what she would do. She jerked when she felt me, but then sighed and pulled away. She walked to a door on the side of the room and entered it. I looked up and saw that it led to another bedroom. The door quietly shut before I could see anything else.

I stood up and put on a shirt. I noticed that her crown was still on my dresser. I shrugged and grabbed my axe and continued sharpening it. Even if I couldn’t get all the kinks out, I’d rather have it ready to be used than too dull to cut with in case something else happened while I was in the hive. When I finished with the axe, I started on the knife. I wouldn’t be able to use the crossbow until I got a new string and some bolts, so I didn’t bother doing too much to it aside from cleaning it. I quickly finished shining up the knife and slipped that into a sheath that I then slipped around my belt. I stood, stretched, and slipped the axe belt around my back.

I then grabbed the crown and gently knocked on the door between the rooms. The door opened a few seconds later, encased in a green glow. I entered and saw her brushing her hair with magic. I held up the crown. “Think you might have forgotten something.”

She turned to face me. “Yes, I was wondering where that went off to. Thank you.” It floated from my hands to her head. “Today is the day you get to meet the larvae you helped protect.” She stood. “Now, the larvae are different from us changelings. They aren’t exactly sapient, though some are more intelligent than others. Your children will probably take a year more to develop into changelings. After I show you to the nursery, I will have to go and attend to business. I fear this attack will leave me busy for some time.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

“Not without understanding local politics and all manner of administrative issues. Your kind of work ended yesterday when the ants were destroyed. The work of the administrators begins now. You are welcome to stay in the hive; everything should be back to relative normality by tomorrow.”

I blinked. “How? You had to have lost several hundred changelings dead and possibly had thousands injured.”

“We are pragmatic. Yes, there were losses. Yes, the losses were high. But the hive doesn’t stop because a few workers are missing. We rebuild and carry on. And if you look outside, you’ll find that most of the damage is already gone.” She pointed me to a window. I walked over to it and looked out. The streets were once again immaculate. All the ants and bodies were gone.

“Simply amazing,” I whispered. It’s a shame the changelings were practically mindless. If they could accomplish this and have normal freedoms and mental capacities, it would be beyond amazing. I turned back to her. “And there will be no hits in morale?”

“Oh, there will be. But something like this could not have been expected or foreseen. Yes, we have the ability to occasionally catch raids before they happen, but it is impossible to always know when something is going to happen. There will be hits in morale, but it will fade. We all do our parts. Me just being seen today going about my business like nothing happened will be a nice boost. Of course, that won’t be able to last long.” She shrugged. “You are welcome to accompany me about my day, if you desire, but I assure you that you will likely be bored.”

“It would probably be a bad idea if I did join you. There might be some that see me as a spy for Celestia. It might hinder their abilities to speak freely if they thought they were being judged by a foreign power.”

“True enough, I suppose. Most wouldn’t care, but there are a few that might. I suppose you being seen might be a boost to morale as well. Especially given your role in the guarding of the nursery. According to Ditto, you made quite the figure.”

“I have my uses. I’m glad that I was able to help.” And even more glad that I didn’t get badly hurt doing it. “I hardly consider myself the hero of the day, though. I just happened to have a small advantage that I abused rather heavily. From what I heard, you were the one that killed the queen.”

“That I was. We used to be friends, her and I. It is a shame it came to this.” She shrugged. “Such is the life of those that live under the surface.” She was silent for a moment. “Come, it is time to visit the nursery.” She brushed past me to the door and we both entered the hall. She started off down to the end of the hall, toward a hole in the wall. “Tell me, how long do you think you will stay here?”

“At least until tomorrow, unless something happens and I’m needed for longer or I need to leave sooner.”

She nodded. “It is a shame to see you leave, but I understand the life of responsibilities. You are always welcome back, and before you leave, I will get you a list of changeling spies in Ponyville in case you ever need their assistance.”

“Not to be shared, I assume?”

She nodded. “Of course not.” With that, she jumped out the hole. I followed her, easily keeping up with her sedate pace. Now that I was outside, I could tell that the repair efforts hadn’t gone as well as I thought. Most of the damage was gone, but there was still some scoring in places, both black marks from fire and gouges from sharp ant legs.

“So why did they even attack?” I asked as we flew.

“Jealousy. Food, perhaps. What one has, another wants. Now that we finally got ahead in life, perhaps they figured it was their chance to do the same, even if it meant taking from those that were once friends.” She sighed. “I promised them aid, when we got back on our hooves. I suppose the promise of aid wasn’t as appealing as the idea of taking from us.” She shrugged—no easy feat, for someone flying—and added, “I suppose this is better for us, in the long run. We no longer have to pay to assist them.”

“But you lose a friend and an ally.”

“A friend and ally easily swayed against us and relatively easily beaten. Ants are good for cannon fodder, even if they are big and murderous. They have to be relatively close to their queen for the link to work well. When she dies, well, they become useless. We managed to lead the surviving ants away with some of the queen’s body parts. We left them in the darkness, where they will stand guard until they die of starvation. At least most changelings have enough independent thought to act without the hive.”

“Still, a shame it had to happen. When we get done here, I would like to talk with Ditto, if possible. I saw things yesterday that bear discussion.”

“That will be possible. I do have a meeting with him after this is done. You can come with me and I can leave you with him. I assume you have ideas for the defense of the hive?”

“Yeah. Changeling combat in general, really.” We finally made it to the nursery. A few nearby changelings bowed as the queen landed. We entered with little other fanfare. “So are all of the larvae stored in the same place? I don’t know much about this stuff.”

“Larvae are stored here in the nursery. Here they are tested for intelligence, general strength, magic abilities, and a few other things. They are also raised until childhood here. When they become children, they are usually given back to their parents, unless a class of parents gives birth to a child that belongs elsewhere. A drone should not raise a sentient, after all. A parent can come to visit their larva at any time. They are distinguishable by pheromones, so there is little chance of a parent finding the wrong child.”

“Are larvae actually sapient? Do they remember anything?”

“No, though that is debated. It is commonly believed that what happens to a changeling in the larval stage is lost.”

“Similar to our lives as babies, then. Most of us don’t remember much of our early lives either. Though we’re mammals and don’t have a larva stage.”

“I remember, from what you showed me of your world.” She shivered a bit. “Your birthing process is so nasty. I suppose that’s what happens in a male dominated world.”

“I’ve never seen a pony give birth, so I can’t really comment on the differences.” And I never wanted to see it, either.

Chrysalis led us right past a front desk with no one in it and down a hall. There were a few signs, but I didn’t take time to read them.

“So are there no caretakers?” I asked.

“There are. You helped some of them defend this place yesterday. But just the same, some of them were torn apart. I suppose larvae is especially tender, and that queen did love her comforts.” More information than I wanted to know. “Most of them are helping with the recovery efforts. Larvae generally need little watching.”

She stopped at a random room and gently opened the door with magic. She led the way inside. I followed. Inside were a bunch of black worm things. Large black worm things. “Uh…” Three of them started inching over to us.

Chrysalis smiled at that. “They know me,” she said.

“So these are larva?” I asked, nudging one very gently with my foot. It squished in a bit and then tried to curl around my foot before I backed away.

“Yes. There is not much to them. They require very little care, and can generally just be left alone. Drones usually sit in one place while not being stimulated, while sentients and intelligentsia tend to explore.”

“Like giant maggots. So these three are mine…” I knelt down and poked one. “I don’t see the resemblance.”

“I didn’t figure you would. Come, there is nothing else for us to see here.” I stood as she started back off to the door. We started away without a backward glance. I feel like a bad person for just leaving them… But it’s probably for the best. “Well?” she asked. “You are one of the only fathers in a while that I have been able to introduce to his larvae.”

“I don’t know. I mean, I kind of expected it to be… different. They were worms, plain and simple.” Meeting your children is supposed to be some kind of life changing experience, right? Well, what if your children are worms? Or maybe it’s just that I’m sociopathic. I don’t guess it matters. I might see them again when they’re older, I might not. “How long should they live?”

“The average changeling lifespan is rather short compared to ponies, but now that we have more food, I expect that to rocket up. My children usually live much longer anyway. Between the two of us, there’s no telling how long they’ll live.”

“Well, I suppose that means I’ll have a chance to meet them later. So, on to the meeting with Ditto?”

“Yes. Then more business for me and you can have your little play date.”

“Assuming he has time.”

“For you, he will. Especially if it’s about improving combat efficiency.”

“My suggestions might help. I don’t know the full extent of changeling capabilities, so I will have to find out what I can.” She was walking a bit quicker now, and we got to an exit in good time. We were quickly on our way to another part of the hive. There was no small talk on the way to our next destination. She set down in a hole near the top of the building. I joined her there a bit awkwardly; the holes in the side weren’t designed for someone like me. She smirked a bit at my landing, but didn’t comment. The silence lasted all the way to the meeting room.

Ditto and two random changelings were already there. They nodded to the queen and ignored me. I casually toyed with my knife as they spoke on something or another. I wasn’t really paying attention. I could have continued my weapon maintenance, but I figured I would likely distract the people there that actually had a job to do.

It didn’t take long for their meeting to end and for Chrysalis to exit the room, leaving me with Ditto and the two unimportant guys. I put the dagger up and walked to the table, holding my hands behind my back. “I have some issues with how the city was defended yesterday,” I said. I didn’t get an answer, just stares. “I admit to not knowing much about changeling abilities, but I have seen two of you turn into dragons and one of you turn into a manticore. I know you don’t get the strengths of the monsters when you do that, but surely you still have sharp teeth or claws. Why, then, do you stay in your own shape when there are shapes considerably better for fighting?”

“Without practice, the other bodies are relatively worthless,” Ditto answered.

“I’ll concede that point for the civilians. But I fought with a few groups of soldiers yesterday, and they stayed in their own shapes as well, rather than transforming. What is the point of having the ability to change into a fearsome monster if you don’t use it? And since most civilians don’t get practice fighting anyway, would they not be about as useful in a different, more fearsome shape than they would in their regular bodies?” The three of them shared looks before turning to me and nodding. “Another point: Very few of the changelings utilized their wings or their horns. Yes, I know that not all of you can do magic. But you have large, sharp objects on your head that are otherwise useless. If I had a choice of potentially losing a pointy thing on my head by stabbing something with it versus dying, I’d take the stabbing option. But in all honesty, that probably could have been avoided by having your changelings flying above the ants and dropping shit on top of them. You could have had a brigade of changelings evacuating the food ponies, the larvae, and anyone else that couldn’t fly while other groups harried the enemies from the air by dropping boulders or spikes on them. What I saw happening yesterday was like something attacking a pony city: No coordination at all. If attacks like these are semi-regular, why aren’t the civilians trained in emergency procedures? And why was there no warning system to let the hive know there were enemies coming?”

“Our outlying drones were not found from the tunnel the ants came from. We assume they are dead. Training the civilians in emergency procedures is a solid idea, as is training them in rudimentary shifting for combat. Our actual soldiers will be trained better to fight in different forms, and will be encouraged to experiment. However, given that our army is mostly drones, it is hard to get them to have any initiative. We can train them to fight when they shift, but without an order or a cue, it is unlikely they will do so automatically.”

“Whenever the hive is attacked, sound an alarm or a siren. Train the drones to shift when they hear that siren. And you should also give your groups of drones orders to defend certain parts of the city, if they don’t have someone in charge of them telling them where to go. The last ditch defense of the nursery should not have been done by civilians. I suggest having three sentients in charge of fifteen drones, so they can react as a large group or break off into smaller groups as needed. There is plenty of redundancy in case one of the sentients dies. Reward your troops for coming up with interesting solutions to hard training problems, if you have any kind of training exercises.”

Ditto nodded again. “Tell me, how do you know about war? I thought you were not a soldier in your world.”

“I wasn’t. I just picked some stuff up. I’m a predator and I’m good at thinking, so some of it just feels like common sense. You’ll have to let me know how some of what I suggest works out for you. And if any of it doesn’t make sense to you, either ask the queen or just don’t try to integrate it.”

“We will attempt some of your ideas. How do your people react in times of war?”

“Depends on the person. Everyone is different. There is no word I could say to describe everyone’s opinion of it. I will say that, as a whole, we take to war like nothing you’ve ever seen. At any point in time, you’d be more likely to find a few nations at war than you would to find the world at peace. There’s always fighting somewhere. You just have to find it. Doesn’t mean everyone likes it, though. Some people live for it, some people despise it, some people just do their best to ignore it. I never liked killing or fighting, but I also never really did anything to protest it. Now that I’m forced into the role of kill or be killed, I find that I really don’t like it. That said, I know it’s necessary sometimes. Some things just need to die. Do you changelings ever feel moral dilemmas like that?”

“I have not. If the queen says go to war, we go to war. If an enemy attacks the hive, we eliminate the enemy. That is our lot in life, or at least it is my lot. I do not know how the civilians feel. It is not my job to understand them.”

“Sounds to me like you have a nice setup. I wouldn’t mind not being able to think about it, but at the same time, I like having uses outside of war. If my entire life was devoted to fighting, I think I would get depressed.”

“Is there anything more you needed, Sir Navarone? We have much to do after the attack and planning the new defense ideas.”

“That’s all I needed. Thanks for hearing me out.” They nodded again and I left the room, quietly whistling an old song. I jumped out the hole in the side of the building and just drifted over the city, thinking of something to do.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I was lonely. The only changeling I could really talk to was Chrysalis, and she was busy. There was also Doppel, but she was kind of a bitch. To be fair, I was kind of an asshole, but I didn’t feel like putting up with her. Hell, that’s assuming I could even find her. Most changelings look alike to me. I could assume she was somewhere in the palace, but it would still be like trying to find the cross dresser in the women’s basketball game.

“Guess I should head back soon,” I muttered. I knew I was welcome to stay longer, but why, if I was having no fun?

Seeing nothing else to do, I landed at the school and quietly entered. It was mostly empty the first day, but now it was much earlier in the day. Classes were in session and lights were on all over the school. I quietly padded through the halls, occasionally looking in some of the open doors. I didn’t try to interrupt any classes, as I had no idea what most of them were. I got a few stares from kids in the classes, but no one said anything. There was no one walking the halls, so I kind of hope I wasn’t doing something I wasn’t supposed to.

All was going well until I got to the end of a hall and peeked inside a door. I saw several groups of changelings sparring. I nodded and started to look for a staircase when I heard, “Sir Navarone!” ring out from the room. I turned back in and saw one of the larger changelings at the door.

“Yes?” I asked.

“It is not often we get a natural bipedal in our caves. Would you be willing to help with a demonstration?”

“Depends. What would it entail?”

“Just a friendly sparring match. We usually don’t do much damage, so there is little danger to you.”

“I’m not really much of a fighter… but I suppose if it will help your students, I will do what I can.” I followed him into the room and pulled my axe off and set it on a table. My dagger joined it. “So what do you need me to do?”

“For now, just stand there.” He turned back to his students, who had all stopped sparring and were looking at us. “This is a biped. Notice how his weight is distributed between two legs. He can react quicker than most quadrupeds, but he has fewer areas to move to. It is generally possible to tell which side of his body he favors by how he holds himself. Right now, most of his weight is on his right foot. If I were to suddenly attack, there is a good chance he would move right to evade.” Actually, I would move backwards. “Bipeds will almost always have a height advantage over you, but they do not always have strength over you. I don’t know how strong on average Sir Navarone’s species is, so I cannot judge what he is like. But just because they are stronger does not mean they are better fighters. They have a center of gravity we can easily reach by bucking. Get them on their back and they are relatively helpless.”

“Not always,” I broke in.

“Yes, not always. Another thing I’m sure that many of you noticed is that he carries weapons.” He waved a hoof at the table with my axe and dagger. “That is a severe disadvantage for those of us without magic. That said, none of them have magic either. If you run into a biped with weapons and you do not have a mage available, do not despair. Though we lack swords or axes, hooves are very powerful weapons with a small connecting area. A lot of force can be pushed into one area, enough to break bones and incapacitate anything.” He looked to me for confirmation.

“Yeah. A few years ago, I got kicked in the jaw by a pony. Shattered all my teeth and almost broke my jaw. Hurt like a bitch.”

“And we changelings also have teeth we can use as weapons, if it comes down to that. Pony teeth are mostly flat, but we have fangs. If an enemy is bobbing too much to buck, try biting them. You might lose a tooth or two, but it’s better to lose teeth than your life.”

“Or you could try stabbing them with your horn. Or hell, turn into a manticore or hydra and rip them apart.”

The instructor turned to me. “What?”

“You’re changelings. You can turn into other critters. That means you can turn into something with more natural weapons and use that body to fight. Hell, if you start training now, you can probably get fighting as a predator down pretty quickly.”

“We follow the training regimen provided by high command. Continuing on, there are several ways to attempt to bring down a biped. Most involve taking out the legs first. Another option is going for the crotch, where they keep their reproductive organs. That brings extreme pain.” Damn right it does. He stepped closer to me and used a hoof to point to my crotch. “Aim your kick here. When your opponent goes down, leave him down and continue finding opponents. The swarm behind you will pick up the enemy wounded and drag them back to the hive for processing.” Doesn’t that sound ominous? He turned to me. “Now, how about a sparring match?”

“Do I get any kind of weapons?”

“We’ll vary it up. We have a stock of wooden weapons to practice with.”

I stretched my arms out and started popping fingers. A few changelings flinched when they heard all the pops. When I finished, I said, “Bring it on.”

He nodded a changeling off to a large chest. He walked over to it, threw it open, rooted around, and threw a shield and mace at me. I guess the mace was more of a club, but eh. I hefted them both and turned to the instructor. “Who’s my partner?”

“You can only learn so much from a teacher.” He turned to his students. One of them raised a hoof. The teacher nodded to him. “Do be careful, both of you. That may be wood, but it’s still dangerous.” I nodded as I squared up against the changeling. I thought this one was a mare, but I wasn’t certain. I held the mace and shield loosely, just watching.

One thing came to my mind before he started the match. “Can any of these students use magic?” I asked.

“Yes. Are you ready?”

I slipped the shield off, reached into my pocket, and slipped my ring on. With that, I picked the shield back up. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Begin,” he simply said.

The changeling flew at me so quickly I barely saw her. My shield raised just in time to catch her blow. She bounced off the shield and tried to circle to my left. I raised the mace and backed off a bit, giving myself room to swing. She jumped in, tracking me and trying to make sure I didn’t have room to swing. I grinned at that and slammed my shield on her, knocking her over. I went to swing my mace at her while she was down, but her legs shot up and I barely shot back in time to avoid a crotch full of pain.

“Feisty, eh?” She didn’t answer. I tried shifting my shield, to see if she would take some bait. She shifted as well, matching me. I grinned and took a step back. She stepped in just as I slammed forward and knocked her over with the shield yet again.

“Fell for the same trick!” the teacher said. She shook her head, trying to clear it. She didn’t realize that I was a few steps away until the mace went flying at her skull and clanged against it, knocking her to the floor again. The instructor nodded. “Never forget one clear advantage bipeds have with weapons,” he said as one of the changelings checked on the girl. “They can throw them at you. Next partner.”

I had more weapons shoved into my hand as the shield was taken away. Two daggers. I grinned and fell into a fighting stance as the next changeling took its position.

“Hold,” the instructor called. “Look at him, how he fell into position as soon as he touched the weapons. That’s a sign of experience. Be careful. Now, begin.”

This changeling was more hesitant. He waited for me to make the first move. I began by circling, trying to see what he would do. He matched my circle, going the opposite way. I took a few slow steps inward, trying to bait him into attacking.

“BOO MOTHERFUCKER!” He jumped so high I thought he would hit the roof. By the time he recovered, I already had the knives at his throat.

When the instructor stopped laughing, he said, “That’s a dirty tactic, but it works perfectly fine. If you think your opponent is easily spooked, shouting is a good way to unnerve them. Now, I think that warrants a rematch.”

I grinned and backed away to a safe starting point. The instructor nodded for us to begin again. I stood at ease, waiting for him to make a move. When he did nothing, I casually walked closer, not even in a fighting stance.

When I got close enough, I dropped into a fighting stance. He still hadn’t moved. “Come at me, bro,” I finally said.

He came at me, but it was in a manner totally unbecoming of a bro: He tried to take out my shins. I leapt over him and caught him in the back with a kick. He spun to face me and jumped back as a knife went whistling by him. I spun it in my grip and shot it back, trying to catch him again. Once again, he ducked. I came at him with my other knife and he jumped back. I stabbed straight at him and he jumped again. This continued until he hit the wall. He grinned and jumped, kicking off the wall and aiming both forelegs at my face. I barely dodged, but didn’t dodge his back hooves as they slammed into my head. I reeled, holding onto the wall to steady myself. It’s a good thing he was unbalanced when he fell, or I likely would have gone down.

As it was, I recovered in time to literally catch him as he sprung at me again. His eyes shifted to pinpricks when he realized that I was holding him. “Buddy, you lose,” I said. My knife met his throat and that was that. I set him down.

“Who can tell me what went wrong?” the instructor asked.

“Sir Navarone was a lot stronger than he thought,” one of the changelings said.

“Correct. He also recovered faster. If the student had not been as surprised when he was caught, there was a chance he could have broken free. Now, next partner.”

My lovely daggers were taken away and I was given a spear. I swung it about a bit while the next changeling came up. I finally settled for holding the shaft against my back, letting the point stick out to the side. It’s hard to describe, but just trust me when I say that it probably looked stupid. The instructor nodded and the changeling fucking leapt across the room at me, flying using its wings.

Thankfully, it was slow enough that I was able to bat it out of the air. The poor changeling flew at the wall with a nasty crunch. “Oh shit!”

“He’s fine,” the instructor said, nodding for two students to check on him. They poked at him for a few seconds before turning to the instructor and nodding. “Yeah, he’ll be just fine. Be more careful, though.” He turned to the class. “Now you know why you don’t blindly charge a biped with a long weapon. Next!”

This time I was given a bastard sword. I gripped it with one hand and rolled my shoulders as my next opponent readied herself. I held up a hand for a moment, pulled my shirt off, and threw it on the table with my weapons. A few more rounds and I’d probably start sweating, and I didn’t want that all over my shirt. Of course, taking my shirt off meant I exposed all the knife belts, but eh. None of them commented, at least. I nodded when I was ready. “Begin.”

The changeling turned into a giant ant. I grinned as she took one step forward and fell. “Not used to six legs, eh?” I walked around her as she tried to turn to face me. Right before I could ‘kill’ her, she changed into a hydra and swatted me back. One of her heads darted in while the others just sat there, not moving. I jumped to the right, expecting one of the other heads to dart in. None did. She turned to face me with the one head. “Not used to several heads, either.” I saw her flinch when I spoke. With that, I yelled out as loud as I could, causing her entire body to draw back. She couldn’t tell which head the sound was coming from. Moving seemed to cause her more distress as seeing the motion from several eyes kicked in. I easily poked her in the chest with the sword.

With a sigh, she changed back. “Now, it should be obvious what she did wrong,” he said aloud. “She tried using shapes she was not familiar with. Some differences do not matter to changelings. Height differences and shape differences are natural for us. But adding more or fewer legs and adding different senses takes time for us to get used to. You are welcome to attempt to fight as a different shape, but unless you have practiced in that shape, the chances of doing well are low. Now, we have time for one more bout.”

My sword was taken away and nothing was given to me. I shrugged and slammed my fists together, grinning. The changeling that squared up to me smiled at my confidence.

“Begin.” The changeling’s horn glowed. Nothing happened. He looked shocked. I walked to him as his horn glowed brighter and brighter.

When I finally got to him, I knelt down and gently picked him up. “I lose?” he quietly asked.

“I’m afraid so.” He sighed and I gave him a conciliatory pat on the head before putting him back down. I looked up. “The last lesson is that your opponent can always surprise you.”

“Well, that wasn’t supposed to be the last lesson,” the teacher said as his student returned to the others. “But all things told, that was probably better. Thank you for your assistance.”

“No problem. Just don’t use any of that shit against me. What you said about crotch shots is true. You need anything else while I’m here?”

“No.” I shrugged and grabbed my weapons and shirt. I walked out without putting anything on. I did my best to get stuff on as I walked down the hall. When all my weapons were situated, I removed the ring.

Well, I just got to beat up children. Doesn’t that make me feel good? At least it killed a few minutes.

When I got to the end of another hall, I got stopped by another professor. “Sir Navarone, you wouldn’t happen to be busy, would you?” He sounded… bookish, for some reason.

“I am not. What do you need?”

He grinned. “Would you happen to be interested in helping me teach a lesson?”

“Sure. What do you need?”

“Come in, come in.” I followed him inside. “I was talking to a good friend of mine at the palace. Doppel, her name is. She mentioned that you had very vivid… memories.” I looked around the room and saw a few restrained ponies and some very small changelings. “In this class, we teach the youngest of the changelings how to extract emotions from unwilling sources. It is easier for some than for others. While we do have a relatively sedate source of food for now, it is still good for them to know how to steal emotions. For that, we use ponies that have been allowed to lose their love poisoned status.” I bet that’s confusing as hell for them. “But that is too hard for some changelings to learn from. I remember Doppel mentioning your control when it comes to memories and was hoping you could help me train some of these students.”

“I can try.”

“Excellent! Now, let me first taste the emotion you are going to let them use so I know it is acceptable.” I knelt down and he moved his head toward mine. I thought of Taya. “Yes, this will do nicely. Now, try to hide it.” And it was gone. “Intriguing… She wasn’t lying! Oh, if only I had you for a few hours… Slowly bring it to the forefront.”

“That’s kinda hard to do, man. I’ll try.” I did my best.

“That should be fine,” he commented as he backed away. “Now, come forward you three!”

Three tiny changelings stepped up, getting closer to me. They actually managed to somehow look cute.

“You’re awfully tall,” one of them said.

“Yep. So which of you wants to try eating my memories first?” The three changelings looked at each other before the two on the sides pushed the middle one at me. I gently picked her up and set her on my head. “Whenever you’re ready.”

I felt something tiny enter my mind. I bottled everything up for her. “Nothing’s happening,” she said.

I showed her a memory. Nothing much, just a bit to whet her appetite. That done, I hid it away again. “Most ponies aren’t as good at hiding things as I am,” I said. “Their minds are ordered differently. I don’t really understand it, myself, but apparently I can hide emotions and memories very well. So start looking.”

“I… I don’t know how.”

“Well, a dog can’t teach a cat to climb trees. What about it, teach?”

He stepped in and knelt down to my head. I felt him enter as well. “Now, just follow my lead,” he said.

…I didn’t realize how dirty that sounded until I wrote it.

Anyway, I essentially did for those little changeling foals or whatever they were called what I did for Shining Armor. That said, I went a lot easier on them and didn’t give them anything involving sex. I also wasn’t evil to them. I mean, they were little kids. Reminded me of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, in a way. Except these kids were trying to steal my emotions and leave me a drained husk rather than cut my toes off. I think I preferred these kids to the ponies, all things told.

I left that classroom feeling a lot better than I did when I walked in. I successfully managed to help the girls become more able to devour emotions from unwilling subjects. When I left, they were happily feeding from a pony that was looking at me with tears in his eyes, trying to silently beg me for help. I smiled and waved to him as I left.

God, I’m an asshole.

I managed to escape the school without getting caught up by anyone else. That was only somewhat unfortunate. For one, I didn’t have anything else to do. For another, I had already been in a few fights and got my mind sucked on. So I was feeling a bit tired there as I was flying over the city again.

I did kind of want to help with the reconstruction of the city, but I knew that I would just end up getting in the way. Besides, most of the damage was finally gone. It looked like the workers had been busy while I was with the kids.

Lacking anything else to do and since I already had as much of a view of the city as I really wanted, I decided to head on back to the palace. While I was in the air, I noticed that I didn’t see nearly as many changelings out and about as I usually did. That was understandable, given what had just happened, but I still wondered where they all were. Maybe even changelings have work they have to keep up with.

I made good time to the castle, at least. I landed at the front entrance, since I didn’t know offhand which floor I was staying on. I did, however, remember the route the guard led me on the day before. I traced our steps and quickly made it to my room. I took my axe belt off and removed my shirt, stretching my wings as it hit the floor. “So damn stuffy in this cave,” I sighed. I guess that’s what happens when it’s under a desert, but I still expected it to be cool. I mean, all the other caves I visited felt nice. Even the one under Cairo felt good.

Of course, it might just have been the room that I was in. It was the room of the consort, after all. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was kept warm to facilitate sex or something. Either way, I know it felt good to go without a shirt.

I sat on the bed and pulled my damaged crossbow over. I knew I couldn’t fully repair it without supplies, but I could fiddle with it and make sure the damage wasn’t more severe than I thought.

It didn’t take me long to do that, so eventually I started writing again.

I was at that for a while before Chrysalis slammed the door open. “I need to get laid,” she groaned.

“Uh…”

As I was trying to think of something else to say, she slumped down on my bed and curled into a bug pony ball. “Idiots! Incompetents! None of them know how to think, they all require permission! No initiative at all! I try to make them all sound appealing to you and the ponies, but the truth is they’re all practically worthless!”

“Well, that’s what happens when you breed them for obedience.”

She sighed. “I know. I just want a… I want a stallion that I can’t order around. One that can make me feel like a mare.” She sniffed. “Not one that constantly asks if he’s hurting me or if he’s doing well.” She sighed yet again. “I suppose I might as well ask for an army of independent changelings while I’m at it.”

What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

I walked over to the bed and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m not a stallion. But you can’t order me around, you know I can make you feel like a mare, and I don’t need to ask if you’re doing well because I can hear by the moans.”

I felt her shift a bit in my arms. “You don’t love me, but…” She sighed. “I never wanted to be queen,” she whispered into me. I just silently began stroking her hair. “I was the only one left, after so long… I slowly fell into the role. I was just a midwife. We all knew about him, but none of us ever expected he would come after us. One day… one day he got bored, I suppose. I never understood why he did what he did. But he came after us. I was the last… trying to protect two children. They escaped, in the end… I didn’t.” I had and have no idea what she was talking about. “I was a midwife. I delivered bouncing, happy foals… and now I’m queen of monstrosities. We devour emotion, steal happiness and love. Have to… have to feed the hive.”

This is getting kind of dark, man. And it didn’t help that my leg was really starting to itch. “What you’ve done in the past doesn’t have to define you. It is never too late to change, Chrissy. It’s hard. I know it’s hard. But it is possible. And if it would make you feel better, it’s worth it. Perhaps the best epitaph that could be given is that you fixed your own mistakes. I believe in you. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.”

She was silent for a while. “I just want to be happy again,” she finally said.

“If what you’re doing makes you unhappy, continuing to do it won’t ever make you happy. Something needs to be changed. I don’t know what, but something about you needs to be changed.”

“Can you… help me?”

“Of course. What are friends for, after all?”

I had no idea what I was in for when I agreed to do that.

A word from your loving Discord

What Chrysalis said was only half of the story. I was in China, having fun, when the wretched alicorns declared war on me. Yes, I was causing chaos. Yes, there was some misery involved. Yes, I might have been the cause of the duck billed platypuses.

Wait, what was I—Oh yes. Alicorns. They truly are spoilsports. Just because I was being mean to a few of them was no reason for all of them to attack me like that.

So, being the nice kinda guy I am, I teleported to the largest alicorn city in the world and started having fun. I would poke one and it would suddenly turn into three: an earth pony, a pegasus, and a unicorn. Then I would poke another and it would morph, all the love and joy inside turned into hunger and hate as it warped into a changeling. I would poke another and it would go mad, turning on its fellows. There were other effects, of course, but those were some of the highlights.

The early changelings were little more than mindless animals. They swarmed blindly and devoured the purported ‘endless’ love of the alicorns.

Heh heh… That love wasn’t very endless.

Especially when it came to me.

Anyway, I had fun destroying the alicorn society. They tried using their magic on me, but it never worked. I had a stronger will than any of them.

All too soon though, it was over. I had run very low on alicorns. There were plenty of other kinds of ponies running around now, but alicorns were scarce.

Of course, when you’re a guy like me, scarce doesn’t mean much. I cast my gaze around and found three very fun little alicorns.

One was a midwife, barren and unable to have children. She hated herself for her barrenness and was willing to give anything to hear the wailing of her own children, as she delivered them for others.

One was a student, studying healing magic under that midwife. She was brilliant, considered a prodigy of sorts.

One was a mother in labor, not long for that world. With the news of my arrival and destruction, the midwife and student were clumsy in their nervousness. That it was a hard labor was just icing on her wake’s cake.

When I arrived, the mother was dead and a child was born. I showed up with a horde of changelings behind me.

“But Miss Moonbeam, I can’t leave you!”

“Go, filly! I will distract them! Run, Celestia!”

The child took the basket in her mouth and looked at the midwife one more time before running from the back door. Some of my changeling horde ran to cut them off, but I waved them down. I disintegrated the door as I walked in, pulling a cup of tea from the air.

“Hello, Moonbeam,” I said. The vase she threw at me melted into smoke as soon as it hit me. So did the next several objects, until she threw a picture frame at me.

I caught it and froze Moonbeam in place. I walked up to her, looking at the picture.

“What a lovely family,” I said, tracing my eagle talon down the glass of the frame, giving out a terrible screech. “I’m sure their mother was so proud, before she died. I know she just loved her children so…” I held up the picture for her to see. She averted her eyes. “Oh, is something the matter?” She grit her teeth, not giving me the satisfaction of hearing her pain. I moved my lion’s paw to her face and gently lifted it. “You know, I have many children in need of a mother. I’m going away soon, and I can’t take care of them. It’s a shame that I have no one around to take the position for me.” I let her go. She didn’t look away. “Of course, some physical changes would be needed for them to accept that mother. She would have to look closer to them, for one. And she would have to be able to have many children of her own, to replace those that are lost. I’m sure I can find a volunteer willing to help me. Could you think of anyone?”

She licked her lips and looked from side to side.

I smiled. “You will need a new name, of course. I think Chrysalis will suit you well.” I held up my talons. “What do you say?”

She slumped a bit, free of my magic. She looked down at my talons for a whole five minutes. Slowly—painfully slowly—she raised her hoof and put it in my grasp.

I grinned as I shook. “You’ll regret every minute, I swear!” Her eyes had time to go wide before she began to screech in pain, transforming into the changeling queen we all know and love. It was a long, agonizing process that easily could have been done in a second with no pain if I was a nice guy.

I was whistling a happy tune as I left her in agony. When I stepped outside, I waved the changelings in to meet their new mother.

Only one thought was on my mind: Celestia. Oh, what fun we’ll have together!

The next morning saw me waking up dark and early—it was a cave, after all—when I got nuzzled in the face. “Eh? Oh Jesus!” I pulled away from Chrysalis, jumping a bit. I wasn’t expecting her to be right in my face.

“My name is not Jesus. Come. My attempts to change begin today.”

“…What?” I remembered agreeing to help her change, but I figured we would just talk about stuff for a while before I left.

“You agreed to help me change last night. Today you will assist me in my royal duties and make suggestions.”

That doesn’t sound enjoyable at all. “Okay. Do I have time for a shower?”

“No. Come on.” She pulled me out of bed with magic. My wings sort of flopped around a bit until I caught them. I sighed and walked over to my bag and pulled out a flask. I downed a bit of honey alcohol. I hooked the flask onto my belt—yeah, I sleep in a belt, wanna fight about it?—and threw on my axe belt. I didn’t bother with a shirt. I turned and saw her eyeing me. “I know you do not need to eat often, but you are eating today.”

“Sure. What’s on the menu?”

“Mushrooms. They taste awful for us, but I haven’t heard any complaints from the ponies.”

“What do you feed the dogs and the naga?”

“Mushrooms. They all get the same fare. Now come along.” I shrugged and followed her out.

She led me to the hole in the wall and we jumped out, flying over toward the feeding hall. “So what kind of schedule do we have?” I asked as we flew.

“First, we eat. Then we meet with Ditto and the leader of our scouts. He agrees with the early warning system you suggested and wants to help scout out locations to leave drones. There is a good chance you and I will go with one of the teams.”

“Why would we do that?”

“I do not know how it is with your princesses, but when there is a chance that my subjects will be in danger, I like to be there.”

“Each their own, I suppose. I don’t like randomly wandering in tunnels, but such is life.”

“There is nothing random about it. For the most part, our tunnels are extremely orderly. We do need to find out where the ants bored in, though. There is no telling what might be in their tunnels.”

“How fun,” I muttered.

We made it to the feeding hall with no more conversation. It wasn’t a long flight, thankfully. It was just in time for the ponies to be fed, so we didn’t have to wait long. Chrysalis morphed into Twilight and followed me into the feeding hall part of the feeding building.

Given how efficient the changelings are, there was no real wait. I got a large bowl of mushroom stew and was out of the line in minutes. Chrysalis followed me to a relatively empty table.

“So uh…” I dipped a finger in the stew. At least it was warm. I shrugged and picked the bowl up and tried tasting it. “Oh God… I think I’d rather starve!”

“Looking at you, that appears to be your option. Eat.”

“Shut up, Twilight. You’re not my mom.” I shuddered as I downed more of the stew. “I’m glad I’m not one of your love slaves. I’d hate to have to eat this stuff constantly.”

“With their minds shrouded by the love poison, they don’t even care. Weak fools.”

“Hey, that love poison is some nasty stuff. Doesn’t matter how strong willed you are.”

“You were immune to it.”

“That’s because I’m not a pony, I guess. I don’t really know what caused it. It’s not so much that I was immune to it, though, but rather that it had a negative reaction with my body. It actually became something else.”

“Whatever, Twilight,” she answered with a smirk. It was funny seeing Twilight’s face do that.

I gave off a sigh of relief as I emptied the bowl. “You can fucking keep this stuff. I think I’ll just manage off what I have. Speaking of, if I’m going to stay down here for much longer, I need to get to the surface soon.”

“You can do that when we return from the tunnels. How long are you available to stay down here?”

“Few more days, if I need to. I need to return before the week is out, though.”

She muttered something dark. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay here, with me?”

“That would be fun, I’ll admit. That said, I would also get lonely and bored when you aren’t around. These changelings are terrible conversationalists. And there’s not nearly enough sun down here.”

“There’s no sun down here.”

“Yeah, and that’s not nearly enough. It’s not like I can’t come visit every now and then. Or like you can’t come visit me. Or if you’re going to the Europe party coming up, I might be there.”

“Hm… Yes, I remember that. I sent my agent there to kill Blueblood so he would be replaced by Cadance. We met on the way back from it.”

“Yep. I don’t know if you have any hives in Europe, but if you do, you could probably come to that party.”

“I will… ask Celestia about that. We are not well liked by the dogs or the griffons. It might come to blows if we openly attend.”

“I don’t know a thing about politics. It might be a chance for you to attempt to make peace.”

“I will think on it. Now come, we need to see Ditto yet again.”

I followed her out of the dining hall, just leaving my bowl where it was. I don’t really know how the ponies were so oblivious to everything around them, but it was kind of funny.

Anyway, we took no time to get to the war room or whatever it was called. Ditto and his scout leader made no comments about my presence. Chrysalis pointed a hoof at the random guy, looked at me, and said, “Ersatz.”

I nodded. “Sup, bro?”

He looked at me for a moment before turning back to Chrysalis. She said, “Are your troops ready to move?”

“We await your command.”

I think I heard Chrysalis grinding her teeth.

Speaking of which, why do changelings even have teeth? Or stomachs? Wouldn’t evolution deal with that? Eh, whatever.

“Next time, do not wait for my command. If you think an action needs to be done, do it.”

Ersatz blinked. He looked over at Ditto, who looked to him. They both shrugged before turning back to Chrysalis. “As you command,” he said. Chrysalis just gave off a weary sigh. “Will you be joining one of the patrols?”

“Yes. Navarone and I will be in the team that is following the ant tunnel.”

“I will see to it that team is granted more magic users, then.”

“I am plenty capable of looking after myself. And where I fail, Navarone will step in.”

I broke in, “I’m out of crossbow bolts, Chrysalis. My axe is dull and busted up. My knives are only good in the shortest of ranges and most of them aren’t very deep so they can’t get much penetration. I could try, but I’m not very fit for combat right now.”

“I trust in you. Now, when will your troops be ready to move?”

“Right now.”

“Then lead the way. Ditto, remain here and continue with whatever you do.”

“Yes, Queen Chrysalis!” they both answered.

Ersatz led the way to the door. We followed him out. He jumped out the hole at the end of the hall and flew down a few layers. We joined him down there and he continued leading us through the building.

“So is this building purely military?” I asked.

“Yes,” Chrysalis answered. “Most official and more combat oriented training sessions are held here. Combat magic is also taught. This is one of the many buildings that extends deep into the ground, rather than just being only everything on the surface level. We have several biomes of training areas represented, as well as several captured monsters that serve as practice in each of the biomes.”

“Do you have any light?”

“No. Why would we?”

“Because if you ever plan on fighting on the surface, fighting in the sunlight is a lot different than fighting in a cave. You have to worry more about heat exhaustion, the light in your eyes, more sweat than usual—if changelings even have that problem—and a few other factors.”

Chrysalis sighed. “Ersatz, come here.” He walked closer. She reached out and slapped him across the face, making him stumble down. A moment later, he got back to his feet and looked at her with emotionless eyes. “Why did none of this ever come into consideration?”

“It isn’t our job to think about that, my queen.”

She turned to me. “You’re supposed to help me change. Is it okay to kill him?”

“No. You also shouldn’t have hit him.”

“Do I have to apologize?”

“Yes. I also suggest meaning it, but I understand that baby steps are required.”

She turned back to Ersatz. “I apologize for hitting you. I understand that incompetence has been bred into you. For this, you may take a day in the fun chamber.” She turned back to me. “Was that sufficient?”

“What the fuck’s the fun chamber?”

“The closest pony equivalent would be a spa, but it’s so far different that you really can’t equate them.”

“I see. Is it public?”

“On certain days. Usually I reserve it for those that have pleased me. It doesn’t get used often.”

“What, so I don’t please you?”

“You would find no enjoyment in it. It is full of changeling pleasures, not human pleasures.”

“I’ll take your word for that. I don’t suppose you have some kind of pain chamber?”

“I do. I do not, however, put changelings in it. That little puppy you brought in went straight there.”

“Yeah, you’re gonna need to get rid of that. Torture is pretty much frowned upon by… well, most civilized species.”

She sighed. “Oh, very well.” She turned back to the changeling. “Why have we stopped? Continue.” With that, we began walking again. “I fear there are many facets of changeling society that are stupid to you, Navarone. If you ever notice something that is silly or a bad idea, tell me as soon as you can.”

“I have been. I like some parts of it, but with only one person with any real common sense, a lot goes unnoticed.”

“I fear I will have to start another breeding program to attempt to breed common sense and competence into my changelings, or at least my higher ranking ones.”

“That’s probably a bad idea, but you are welcome to try it.”

“Why is it a bad idea?”

“Undermines freedom and takes away independence. If they become able to make breeding choices on their own, they might start making other small choices on their own as well. With the ability to make choices comes the slow learning of common sense. They learn what works and what doesn’t.”

“I suppose that answer is as good as any.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes before arriving at a random door. Ersatz entered, asking us to wait outside. A moment later, he told us to enter. Several ranks of changeling soldiers stood at some manner of attention in the front of the very large room.

Chrysalis walked up front, to stand at the middle of the group. “You know your mission. Move.”

Well, that was to the point. As a group, they all saluted. A moment later, they orderly marched off to a large hole in the side of the building. Rank after rank jumped out. When the last group had gone, Chrysalis and I jumped out, following them. Ersatz was left alone in his large, dark room.

“So do you know where this tunnel is?” I asked

“Yes.”

We flew all the way to the edge of the cavern, a wall pockmarked with holes. By the time we got there, only a single squad of changelings was left waiting. We joined them.

“Go,” Chrysalis commanded the squad. Without a thought in the world, they started scuttling through the tunnel. We followed. Thankfully, the tunnel was tall enough that I didn’t hit my head on anything and smooth enough that I didn’t have to worry about twisting my ankle.

Fifteen minutes after we started walking, we came across a T-section. One side led slightly deeper into the ground and was uneven and shorter, while the other continued the same. We took the uneven one.

“So no one knows where this thing goes yet?” I asked.

“It has yet to be explored,” she answered.

“I would have blocked it off or at least put up a guard until it had been explored, then. If you don’t know where it leads, it could lead to some manner of monster nest or something.”

“The ants would have eradicated them.”

“The ants didn’t even see me. They were out for changeling blood, not anything else. If whatever it was ignored the ants, it might not ignore us or the hive.”

Once again, she was grinding her teeth. She was eyeing one of the changelings around her like she wanted to smack him, but she thankfully restrained herself.

Chrysalis and I had to duck down a few times to walk in this tunnel, but at least the floor was smooth enough that I never stumbled. Or maybe it was just that I was able to see well enough that I didn’t have to worry about it.

Everything was going good until we pretty much stumbled into a cavern about the size of the naga’s, but with considerably more trees.

Yes, trees.

“What the fuck?” I asked, looking around the cavern.

“This is… odd,” Chrysalis said. Her horn lit up and a pure light shot out. I saw that all of the leaves on the trees—and the tree themselves—were grey.

“An entire petrified forest,” I said, my voice dripping with awe. “Amazing.” I took a few steps in. I heard something and looked down to see grass crunching beneath my feet. “Simply amazing. You guys coming?”

“Move out,” Chrysalis commanded. “Explore the forest in small groups. If you see any kind of danger, return to the center. Navarone, lead the way to the middle.”

I started walking through the forest, a smile fixed on my face. “Twilight would love to see this,” I said, looking around. I reached out and touched a branch. It felt calcified. We saw bird nests—some of which that had eggs—spider webs, several kind of trees, a few fruits, pine cones, and flowers. There were no animals at all. The only sounds in the cave were those the changelings and I were making.

When we got to the center, we saw an altar with a…

“What is this, fucking Skyrim?” There was a sword held up on the altar.

We both walked up to it. “This is an odd place for a sword to be,” she commented.

“Yeah. I don’t trust it.”

“Don’t be a foal, Navarone. Take it.”

“Yeah, no. As soon as I pick it up, we would be attacked by some kind of evil ghost or monster or some shit. I ain’t touching it.”

“Even if that were true, you could just use the sword to kill it.”

“Pass. We can just leave it here.”

Her horn lit up and the sword lifted off the altar. She floated it over to me with a smirk. “See? Nothing to be worried about.”

I took it in my hands and she let it go. The thing was icy to the touch, despite it being lukewarm in the caves. As soon as I touched it, we heard and felt a massive thud. And then another.

We looked at each other.

“Don’t you dare say it,” she said. I think my smirk said enough. “CHANGELINGS, TO THE CENTER!” We heard several smaller crashes in the forest as the thuds got louder and closer. We heard some huge form closing in on us.

“Chrysalis, maybe we should get airborne.”

“We will face this monster and kill it for daring to assault the queen of the changelings.” Changelings began emerging from the forest, panting slightly. They formed up around us. We all turned to face the direction the monstrous noises were coming from.

We waited about fifteen seconds before it finally crashed into the clearing, destroying the trees in front of us.

It was a giant spider, taller than some dragons I’ve seen.

“Oh shit.”

“Attack!”

The changelings went to assault it. The thing reared up on its hind legs and pulled a massive spinneret around front. With a disgusting sound, it squirted web onto the first few changelings, trapping them. Oh, we are so fucked.

Chrysalis jumped into the air as I joined the charge, wielding my new sword. I don’t know what the little changelings were going to try to do against that, but I knew I was going to try to not die against it. I stopped momentarily to cut the changelings free before running up to it.

I saw that the changelings were doing a very good job of distracting it while Chrysalis was doing magic to it. She was shooting some green beams at it. The spider was already missing one leg. It was swinging the others at changelings and trying to bite them and shoot thread at the same time. I used my wings to propel me a bit to slash at one of its other legs while it was distracted. I succeeded in cutting it off, thankfully. It swung my way and managed to hit me hard enough to knock me on the ground. The sword flew out of my grasp.

Thankfully, Chrysalis took that moment to hit it with another beam. It spun back on her before finishing me. I started scrambling around, looking for the sword. I grasped it just in time to realize I was about to get crushed. I rolled out of the way and one of its large feet slammed into the ground where I had been. I jumped to my feet and took off into the air, trying to get a feel for the situation.

A lot of the changelings were down for the count. Of the ten we started with, three clearly were not getting up again—given they were cut in half, yeah, they were fucked—and three more were no longer moving. One was picking himself off the ground while three buzzed around the spider’s head, trying to get to its eyes.

I dove in and managed to get on the spider’s back while it tried to deal with the changelings. I drove the sword into it and twisted.

Before that time, I never heard a spider make any kind of noise. That thing fucking squealed and jerked its body so hard and so fast that I went tumbling off. Before I could hit the ground, one of its legs swung around and hit me like a fucking baseball bat. I went flying and hit the ground several feet away, through some trees. I don’t know how I got lucky enough to miss them.

When I managed to get to my feet, I realized that it was trying to find me. Chrysalis was still shooting shit at it, the changelings were still buzzing around it, and yet when it saw me, it narrowed its eyes and charged.

“Merde…” I attempted to spread my wings but flinched in pain. I looked over and saw one was pretty badly fucked up. I also notice that my axe was missing, so fighting wasn’t an option. I looked up and saw that it was close. “Gotta be kidding me!”

I turned tail and booked it through the forest. I heard its crashes pick up as it labored to keep up with me. I don’t know how it was moving so well while missing two legs and stabbed through the abdomen, but I suppose not having nerves would do that.

It managed to keep pace with me as I ran through the forest. I could hear it destroying trees as it pursued, so I know it was keeping up. When I finally got to the edge of the forest, I realized that I was pretty fucked: I was right at a rock wall.

I turned and saw the spider approaching. “Ah fuck…” It crashed through the final trees and slammed its remaining front leg at me. I dodged. It pulled one of its other legs up and slammed that at me. I managed to dodge, but lost my footing. It raised the two up and tried to slam them down on me but I rolled out of the way.

CRACK!

…

Wait, crack?

For a moment, I thought I saw a confused look in its eyes before the ground fell away beneath us. It shot a web behind it to keep from falling too far. It climbing back up was the last thing I remembered.

Chapter Fifty-Three—Thank God for human insurance

Chapter Fifty-Three—Thank God for human insurance

I woke up to a world of liquid pain. Both of my wings felt broken. I tried shifting my legs to find that one of them was broken as well. I managed to move both of my arms. When I did, I found that I was actually laying down in some liquid.

It was too thick to be water, but there was too much of it to be blood. It was neither warm nor cool. I would have sat up, but I think my tail bone was broken too. I really just wanted to sort of die at that point. I settled for opening my eyes.

I was lying at the bottom of a large shaft. Without being able to look too far around me, I couldn’t tell what else was down there with me. Given that I was alive, the spider obviously wasn’t down here. And since I couldn’t see the top of the shaft, I knew that by all rights I should probably be dead.

I shifted again, trying to see what I could move. One leg was responding. My arms worked. My upper body seemed fine and my neck was alright. I wouldn’t be able to climb out with my leg broken. I managed to get up enough to look at it and couldn’t help but flinch in horror. The flinch jerked my broken parts, giving me another wave of terrible pain.

Yeah, legs weren’t supposed to bend that way. “Where’s a princess when I need one?” I groaned, letting my head fall back in the water.

Instantly, the chamber was bathed in a dull light. I couldn’t be assed to move again, so I didn’t really care. And then I felt the liquid around me getting pulled away, leaving me on a painfully rocky floor. I didn’t realize how much the liquid had been cushioning it. I moved my arm to find that there was no moisture left at all.

“Warrior, why are you here?” The voice sounded feminine and for some reason it was like she was gargling liquid.

“Fell down a shaft,” I said in a dry voice. “Fighting spider.” I tried laughing, but it turned into a cough. “Guess he won. My friends will kill it, though. You my guardian angel? Coulda used your ass before, I tell you.”

“Once we were worshipped as angels of sorts. But no, we’re just… spirits, might be the closest word. Some called us elementals, and that title fits. Why were you fighting the spider?”

“Attacked us. Had to help my friends. We shoulda ran. We had wings. It didn’t.”

“A noble cause. Did you see a sword there?”

“Yeah. I told her to leave it… She didn’t. Yours?”

“In a way. It was a gift from the days we were still worshipped. An old memento from back when magic was used to create weapons. Some would call it enchanted. Its cuts leave an iciness in the victim’s blood. Not enough to kill, but it will slow them down and the pain is supposed to be terrible.”

“Had to borrow it. Sorry.”

“Oh, that doesn’t bother me. I don’t have much use for the old thing down here. I would understand if a new owner claimed it. You know, you aren’t very talkative.”

“Everything hurts. Wings, broken. Leg, broken. Can’t move.”

“Oh my.” I heard a liquid sound and felt a presence closer to me. I managed to move my head up to see a female human shape leaning over me, looking at my leg. “That’s not supposed to bend that way.”

“Yeah.”

She pulled away and I let my head fall back. “We elementals have powers. As a water elemental, I specialize in healing. However, there are rules in place. We can’t just use our powers for free. There must be a price.”

“Name it.”

I heard a sigh. “I’ve been down here for a long time. There is a reason for it, yes, but still… I long for a touch. I long for feeling. Elementals do not have a gender, but most water elementals associate with females. Do you have a purity oath?”

“No.”

“My price is that you make love to me.” The first thought in my mind was that when I told Twilight that I met a water elemental, she’s going to ask me what I talked to her about. And I’m going to have to tell her that I fucked it.

She’s going to be so pissed.

“Have to heal first.”

“Of course.”

“Deal.”

I heard her moving toward me. I looked up and saw that she was looming over me. I could tell then that she was just the upper torso and head of a human. Her face was dull, with eyes that had no pupils. She was glowing a faint blue, but I could see right through her. Everything from her stomach down was moving, just plain water. How am I supposed to… Eh.

Her stomach elongated so that she was as long as I was, her head level with mine. Her arms moved to the sides like she was about to hug me.

Then her body lost form and crashed into me, soaking me. I felt liquid worm its way into any open hole it could find: ears, nose, mouth… I could feel it being sucked into my very pores. It was terrifying, but completely painless.

When all the liquid around my body was gone and she was fully absorbed, I felt changes start to happen. My leg picked itself up and straightened with no pain. I turned over onto my side and my wings extended fully, the broken bones mending. I saw that the light was now flowing from me, my skin glowing pale blue. I felt all the pain disappear from my body, to be replaced with a peaceful, tranquil feeling. My half-regrown finger finally popped back out fully formed, though lacking a fingernail. And let me tell you, that thing was fucking creepy to look at before, too.

And then I felt her in my mind. I felt a cool presence in my head, caressing my thoughts. “You’ve been through much,” I heard a whisper say. “I can see that I am not welcome in here, but all the same I am curious. For my transgressions, I will give you a gift ere we part.” She paused. “Yes, I know that doesn’t make it up to you. But there is no way to do so, and this will make me feel less guilty.” She was reading my thoughts as I had them. “Before you leave, I will offer you another deal. You do not have to take it and I would understand if you didn’t. Now, this will be uncomfortable but painless.”

With that, I felt the liquid seeping back out of my body. Every open hole it could find, it came out of. It felt… interesting. Uncomfortable was a good word for it. When she was completely out of me, I sat up, giving me my first real look at this place. From what it looked like, we were in the bottom part of a very tall ring. What I thought was a shaft was actually a large chasm type thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire cavern with the spider was ringed by this chasm, with that as an island in the center. No telling how the stone formed above it. Maybe the elemental had something to do with it.

Most of the floor was smooth, but the area around me was covered in rock splinters, probably from the ground cracking above me. Most of the walls also looked smooth.

“My payment?” the elemental asked, a tone of hope entering her voice.

“I’ve a few questions, if you wouldn’t mind,” I said.

“Ask.”

“Do you feel as a human would? Will you get pleasure from this?”

“We do not feel the physical pleasure of sex. We have no organs, no senses. What elementals feel when making love is the mental pleasure of stimulating a lover, the feel of love within us. I can’t feel your touch, but I can feel the mold of your body as mine shifts to accommodate you. And you… you’ve been through so much. I admire you, in a way. A poor, tortured soul stolen from his home and forced into a world where he was almost made a slave of love by the very same people he fought to protect. I want to make you feel good.”

“Why are you here?”

“That is a question I will have to answer later. I will explain my story to you after you give me payment.”

“What is this place, then?”

“This will just invite more questions, but this is a prison.”

“Can you explain that a bit more?”

“I will, later. I will have to tell you why I am here for you to understand why this is a prison.”

“Fair enough. I suppose I should just shut up and love you, then.”

The blue light she was emitting got a tinge of pink in it. For some reason, that made me smile. I stood and removed my weapon belt and my shoes. She was slowly moving closer. I lost the socks and the straps of knife belts. She was right next to me. Her hand met mine on my pants belt buckle.

I looked up just in time to catch her kiss.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip it)

My mind stopped working for a second when she kissed me and my hands went limp around my buckle, falling. She took over, managing to open it and let my pants drop. She wrapped her arms around me and that woke my instincts up. I pulled my arms up around her and started returning the kiss. She didn’t have a tongue, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t get mine in her mouth.

I felt the moan across her entire body. For just an experiment, I tried increasing the tightness of my arms around her, seeing how much give she had. I couldn’t pierce her at all. I grinned around the kiss and started leaning into her. She took the hint and broke the kiss.

Her body began to lower, melting down to the ground backwards. I lowered myself with her, so that I was lying atop her. I went back in for a kiss and she moaned again, stimulating my member and finally getting it to wake up. I felt myself start to get hard, finally. Given how weird as fuck this situation was, I can understand that it took this long.

When I was finally standing at full attention, I began gently thrusting. There really was no need to ‘aim’ or anything like that. As soon as I got hard I was already inside. She was like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. And I can honestly say that the sensation I was feeling as I weakly pumped was definitely unique. It wasn’t warm, like a mare. It wasn’t cool, like a naga. It was barely room temperature, and it molded itself completely to my manhood. There was no ‘empty space’ or any need to take myself out. I was constantly hilted. Thrusting just gave me a sensation of movement. Although… I paused for a moment and realized that her entire inner body was actually flowing already. I just grinned and slowed down my thrusts so I could get the full benefit of pumping and her internal flow.

A minute or two after I began, I felt part of my lower body sinking into her and widened my legs a bit to compensate. My legs were trapped, and I felt liquid creeping up to a place I wasn’t comfortable with it being. If she had been in my mind, she should have known that.

She obviously did, because she stopped right where my thighs ended and my ass began. Better lover than Luna, that’s for damn sure; this elemental knew limits and respected them.

The only complaint I had was how absolutely quiet she was. No moans, no gasps, no sighs, just her staring up at me and slowly turning pink.

…

It was kind of boring, actually.

Still, it felt amazing for me, at least. My entire member was being tended to perfectly. There was a gentle rubbing on my head that increased as I thrusted, my shaft was bathed in a nice liquid, and my balls were cupped just perfectly. So it felt great, it was just boring. It was like fucking a toy; even though I knew she was getting some manner of pleasure from it, I still couldn’t think of her as any kind of a person while she was being so silent.

I did my best to give her what she wanted: The feeling of being loved. I moved my head back in to kiss her, and I felt her arms pull me further against her. I molded with her form as I continued my slow and steady pace of in and out. She gave me another full body moan, quivering against my dick and making me sigh into her mouth. My eyes widened as I saw a bubble drift to the side of her head and pop out. That was… huh. I quickly forgot about it in the moment.

I finally realized that she could fully support my weight, so I didn’t need to hold myself up. I let my arms wrap around her again and saw as she turned an even deeper pink and felt her heat up a bit more. I just let our bodies mold together and become one.

As soon as I realized that’s what I was doing, her body lit up bright pink and shot light across the entire chasm. I felt myself cum at the same moment and coat her insides. I don’t know how the hell that happened; I wasn’t even close to done. I pulled my head away from hers and looked down at her.

She removed her arms from my back and put them on my chest and pushed me back a little. When she did that, I felt something drain from my ears and heard the sound of water meeting water. “I left a small part of me inside you, so I could feel the love.” She raised one hand and caressed my face. “We needed this.”

“I… understand. What happened? Why are you glowing so brightly?”

“The closest analogy would be an orgasm. It isn’t the same at all, but you would see it as one. It happens when we are so pleased that we can’t hide it any longer. The more intense the emotion we feel, the brighter we glow. We have different shades for different moods. Blue for depressed. Pink for love. Red for anger. Yellow for fear. Green for desire. There are others.”

So does that mean she loves me? I was afraid to ask.

I felt her start to recede from my body, allowing me to pull away from her. I stood to my feet and realized that I felt completely and totally refreshed. I stretched my wings out and fanned the air a bit before grabbing my pants and sliding them on.

(Sex is over)

With my pants back on, I sat back down, a bit away from the elemental. She seeped toward me, letting her liquid pool around and under me. “So I believe you had more questions to answer.”

“There is something you must know about elementals. There are four main types: Air, water, fire, and earth. Air and water are feminine, fire and earth are masculine. Fire and earth hate water, air loves fire, earth and fire hate each other, air and water are friends, and air and earth are neither friends nor enemies. Fire is warlike and destructive. Air is fanciful and curious. Earth is patient and slow. Water is tender and meticulous. A long time ago, elementals roamed the planet. Some were worshiped, some were loved, some were hated, some were rulers, some were ambivalent. While there was some violence among elementals, there was generally peace. Until we met the elemental.”

She stopped, looking around the cave. The violent pink glow she had from our session quickly faded. “There are four main types. There is one type that no one knew of, that came before all of us. The element of chaos. He saw the peace we had and tore it asunder. He used his trickery to get fire elementals to attack the water. We had no defenses, as we had never been attacked before. The earth elementals, though they always hated us, never openly expressed dissatisfaction with us. They, too, began to attack us. The air elementals could not help us against the earth and they loved fire too much to aid us against them. We fought as best we could against both fire and earth. We were able to easily defeat the attacks of the earth elementals, as water has nothing to fear from the earth. But the fires… As badly as we hurt them, they hurt us. Yes, we could survive their attacks, but the pain was immense and pulling yourself back together from steam was nigh impossible. I lost so many sisters to steam…”

I leaned in and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. She was surprised by the gesture, I believe, but returned the hug a moment later. When I saw some of the pink return to her hue, I let her go.

“With fire elementals scattering water elementals and water elementals killing both fire and earth elementals, the air was left to its own devices. They were always fond of tricks and pranks, so it was little surprise that the element of chaos convinced them to pull a prank on their friends the waters and their lovers the fires. The prank went perfectly, but the air elementals didn’t realize how far the prank went until it was too late. Essentially, it was a way of trapping some of the elementals for a short period of time. What they didn’t realize is that short has a very different meaning for chaos. I have been trapped here for so long that time means nothing. I did not see the end of the war, but I saw in your mind that the world above is different. We have a connection of sorts to other elementals. I know there is one earth elemental still alive, but I don’t know where. I know there are three fire elementals still alive, but I don’t know where. I know there are thirteen water elementals. Three are completely frozen. Seven are hiding in the sea, survivors of the war long gone. One is right here. One is trapped underground, as I am. One is far to the south. I don’t know how many air elementals are left, if there are any. They can’t be tracked.”

“And you want me to find some of them.”

“Some of my sisters, yes. Or the earth elemental, if you could wake him up.”

“I… You know who I am. You know what kind of life I have. I have responsibilities. I have family and friends. I understand that you are lonely, but I can’t just leave everything behind.”

“You wouldn’t have to. I can give you a gift, a part of me. Any elemental that you come in contact with would know you for one of mine. I could talk with you, though my voice would be quieter the farther you get away. Your healing rate would quicken even more. You would be able to breathe underwater. There are several more benefits, but you already have them all. You will live for a very long time, assuming you stay safe. There will be a time in your life when you have years to spare. When that time comes, I will guide you to my sisters. The ones that are frozen can be moved and thawed. The one in the south can be convinced to leave her place of power. The three in the sea that rule can be convinced to step down. Those seven can break free the four trapped in the sea. Those eleven can break free those of us that are trapped in the earth. Between us all, we can find the earth elemental and try to sway him to our cause. Then we can find the fire elementals and sway them. And then the air elementals.”

“To what end would you do all this, though? What purpose would it serve?”

“So we can be together again. There are not enough of us to rule this plane again. But maybe we can help destroy the element of chaos, if it is still around.”

So basically I get a brain leech that sees everything I do, can talk to me, and lets me breathe underwater. I also get an epic quest that helps me destroy some element of chaos or some shit. I wonder if I get any kind of experience points or gear or something.

“Any stipulations?” I asked. “Rules? Anything I can’t do with you inside me?”

“Nothing. I can protect your mind from intrusions, if you desire it. Your ring won’t affect me at all. Neither will your stones. I can do all sorts of things while I’m in your mind, but I wouldn’t do a thing without your permission.”

“Can I tell anyone?”

“Some, yes. I will tell you who you can and can’t tell. Just ask first.”

“Fair.” I wouldn’t include this journal entry with the others, then. “Though how do you know we aren’t already being watched?”

“There is a reason I can’t leave this prison. Magic can’t scry into this location. Spells or real magic.” I don’t know what the difference is, but okay.

“And you won’t be obtrusive?”

“I will not. I will do my best to be helpful, pointing out things your body noticed but your mind didn’t. And you will never be lonely.”

Oh fun. I’d have another voyeur. I decided not to mention that. I’ve gotten used to it anyway, truth be told.

So… From everything she said, I would be getting even more benefits and powers. I would have a friend that would never leave me. She would help me and could do all manner of other things for me.

But I would have more responsibilities, a possibly very dangerous quest to do at an unspecified point in the future, another voyeur—though she could block out the others—and essentially a brain leech.

I wonder what kind of rewards I could get. Like, if these are all powerful elementals, surely they have some kind of cool stuff or something.

“Eh, fuck it. I’m in.” Well, I always did make my best decisions in the spur of the moment, but I don’t even remember planning to say that. Oh well.

She pulled me in for another hug. “Thank you, Navarone. It will be some time before you can assist me, but I know when you are able, you will bring us all together.”

“I will certainly do my best. It will be nice to finally have company on the late nights.”

“And it will be nice for me as well. I have lived in silence and darkness for a very long time. It is wonderful to speak with another, and I am ashamed that I ask such a great task. Still, I would not ask it if I did not believe you were one that could get it done.” She pushed me away. “There used to be a ceremony for bestowing our gifts, but that seems silly if there are just the two of us here.” She moved her hands to the side of my head, covering my ears. I felt something enter me and stiffened.

“Feels so weird,” I said.

“Yes, it does. Now, I see you have another question. For politeness sake, ask.”

“If the other elementals can sense each other, and at least four of the water elementals are free, why have they not come for you?”

“They have not come for me or the sisters under the water because four is not enough to free us. I do not know why they have not used mortal followers to free our frozen sisters. I wish I knew, and I have often pondered that question, but I do not know.”

“How does the whole breathing underwater thing work?”

“You breathe, but you do it underwater. I wish I could tell you more, but I don’t breathe at all. I will be with you the first time you try it, so you needn’t worry. I don’t imagine it will be comfortable, but you can get used to it.”

Good enough for me, I guess. “So, what now?”

“You fly away, my avatar. Return to your life. I will be with you and will know when it is time for you to begin my quest.” I saw my knife belts floating over to me. I picked them up and strapped them on. I then put on my axe belt. That done, I stood and turned to her.

I held out my hand. She grasped it. I drew hers in close and kissed it. “Until we meet again, my lady.” Her pink hue increased slightly and she let off what might have been a giggle. I lifted my wings and shot into the air.

As I was flying up and trying to find the hole I fell down, I realized that I never even asked her name. I’m kind of an asshole.

“Flo.” I heard her whisper in my head before, but this was somehow softer. “I’m only here in essence, not in body. It will get softer the farther you move away. I should be able to guide you to at least the first frozen elemental.” I noticed that she didn’t contradict me calling myself an asshole. She also didn’t comment on me noticing that.

Thankfully, I didn’t move far from where I had landed, so the hole was straight above me. I couldn’t count the distance, as high as it was, but by all rights, I would have died if she hadn’t been there to break my fall.

I put on an extra burst of speed as I freed myself from the hole just in case the spider was still around. When I got above the ground, I saw that the forest was pretty well devastated. The spider was nowhere to be seen, but I did see a very, very angry Chrysalis flying above the forest.

“WE WILL NOT LEAVE HERE UNTIL WE FIND HIM! NO MORE EXCUSES!”

I heard Flo whisper, “Don’t tell her. She will attempt to harm me. It won’t work, but I might have to hurt her.”

“She’s not just going to believe that I disappeared and didn’t get hurt at all.”

“Tell her you were knocked out. And be careful. She wants you. The only reason she doesn’t steal you is because she knows the consequences.”

Well, that’s comforting. I flew over to her. “I’m right here, Chrysalis.”

She whirled about when she heard my voice and a large smile replaced the rage on her face. She flew at me and caught me in a hug. “What happened?”

“Damn spider knocked me into an alcove. I passed out. He couldn’t get to me, I guess. Is it dead?”

She let me go. “Yes. I did not leave much of him after you disappeared. I was a bit… angry.” She began to lower herself to the ground. I followed. “CHANGELINGS, ASSEMBLE!” I heard a few noises as the survivors began to form up.

“What were the losses?”

“Four dead. Three wounded.”

“Damn. This is just not a good week for us. I don’t suppose anyone found my axe?”

“We left your weapons at the altar.” All of the changelings were now in front of us. None of them looked injured, so I assume she healed them. “Let’s move.” She started leading the way back to the center. It didn’t take us long to get there. I saw that my axe was sitting there, along with the sword.

I grabbed my axe and let it fall back into its loop. I looked at the sword. “Take it,” Flo whispered. “You are my avatar, and should wield my weapon.”

“For all the trouble that sword put us through,” Chrysalis said, “we aren’t leaving it. Grab it.”

I shrugged and grabbed the sword. I didn’t have any kind of sheath for it, so I just held onto it and turned back to Chrysalis. “Are we going to continue exploring, or fall back and just block this tunnel?”

“I’m not going forward without an army behind me. If this spider is what we found just inside, I’m not going forward with this small a number. We will return home.”

“Cool. I don’t want to carry this thing for too long anyway.” I looked around the battleground. “How much is this silk worth?”

She looked at it. “Changelings, grab as much web as you can carry.” When they had grabbed all they could and wound it up on their backs, she used her magic to grab more.

And with that, we began our somewhat defeated march back to the hive.

So, what happens if the changelings find the hole I fell through?

“Any damages to my prison slowly repair themselves. They used an earth elemental to help trap me, so the land itself works against me.”

And what’s to stop us from just getting a large tub and lugging you out?

“A magical barrier. I cannot leave in person. I am honestly surprised I was able to send an avatar of mine away from here. I am not complaining, of course.”

There’s never an easy way out, is there? I just heard a sighing in my head.

“You are quiet, Nav,” Chrysalis said, bumping against me lightly.

“Just thinking. That damn spider almost killed me. This line of work is going to be the death of me, I fear.”

“You’ve made it so far, despite the odds. There are many that would have fallen. More that would have given up. Yet you’ve stayed and flourished. Why is that?”

“A warped sense of duty and being too stubborn to know when to quit. Also, Celestia would probably kill me if I didn’t do what she told me to.”

I heard the voice in my head, “She wouldn’t kill you now, but she might have at the beginning.” Well that just makes me feel great.

“I doubt that,” Chrysalis answered. “She likes you as much as I do.” She lightly swished her tail at me. “Of course, I think you have more fun with me.”

That’s actually true. Chrysalis has a lot more skill and being able to change her insides to fit is awesome. Though when Celestia turns herself human… She’s fun. Lots of it.

I just shrugged. “You both have your high points. And given that Celestia is basically the sun goddess, there are some definite perks to porking her.”

“Oh? And what might those be?”

“I’ll let you know when I start getting them. Aside from her friendship, there’s little I’ve gotten.”

“Only friendship? I’m honestly surprised she didn’t scoop you up as soon as you left her sister.”

“She probably wanted to, but that would have been very poor form. Like, imagine me fucking you and then immediately leaving to go spend the night with Doppel. How would that make you feel?”

“I would not be overly pleased. Though I do not think I would have let you walk out.”

And that’s why I’m not going to consider dating Chrysalis, everybody.

I shrugged. “Luna would probably feel worse, given that she already feels she has to constantly compete with Celestia. If I left her and immediately went for Celestia, that would pretty much be akin to telling her that she lost yet another competition.”

“I see. To you, which of the two is more beautiful?”

“In their pony forms, Celestia is. There is just… I don’t know. That said, I also grew to love Luna’s form, but objectively I would say Celestia is hotter. In their human forms, Luna wins hands down, though there are some that would disagree.”

“And if I am added to the three?”

“I haven’t seen your human form. I will say that you look the coolest, but otherwise the list stands.”

She hmphed, but didn’t comment further.

One of the soldiers spoke up, “I… I think you’re beautiful…”

We both looked at him, shocked. He quickly looked away, a green tint on his face.

“Holy shit,” I said. “Dude, that took guts.”

I looked at Chrysalis and saw she was actually blushing a bit. “Thank you,” she said after a moment. She looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. I then held my hands, put my fingers in a circle and plugged it with another, pantomiming sex. I was looking her in the eyes while doing it. Her blush deepened. I jerked my head at him. She shook her head. I shrugged. She pulled my head down a bit with magic and whispered, “It sets a bad example. I can’t just buck every subject that compliments me.”

“Eh, fair enough.” She let me go and we continued walking.

Flo whispered, “Ask her how often she gets complimented by her subjects.”

I leaned in close and quietly said, “How often do they compliment you, though?”

Chrysalis didn’t answer me. “Soldier, what is your name?”

The one that said it flinched. “Counterfeit, ma’am.”

“Rank and number?”

He rattled something off that for the life of me I couldn’t spell. I won’t even try. The number was some random large one. When he finished Chrysalis just nodded. The silence returned.

Until I broke it. “What’s with the ridiculous rank name?” I asked.

“I didn’t make them,” Chrysalis answered. “I saw no reason to change them.”

“I suggest simplifying them. It makes it easier to deal with in the heat of battle.”

“Rank names are not for the soldiers. They are for the civilians. Soldiers learn differences in pheromones and can tell the different ranks apart. I don’t spend enough time around the lower ranks to know them all.”

“I still say they should be simplified, but whatever.”

“I will mention that to Ditto. Knowing him, he will take it as an order, but it is worth a try.”

More silence. Gotta love it.

We arrived at the hive in good time, at least. Less changelings means less time, I suppose. She left the dead behind, or burned them. I didn’t see their bodies back there.

Chrysalis said, “Changelings, return to your commander. Report to him. The silk you carried is yours to do with as you please. Sell it, bed in it, have a crafter make you something, I don’t care. Tell the commander that I will not be long in seeing him; I have things to discuss.” They sketched hasty bows and flew away. “Navarone, come.” We flew back to the palace and landed on the floor with our rooms. She split the wad of silk she had in half. “This is yours to do with as you desire. I will probably make sheets or a gown with my half.” She floated one wad to me.

I grabbed it and shuddered at how sticky it felt. We went to our respective rooms and I dropped it off. It actually made a squelching sound when it hit the floor. I set the sword down next to my bag. The axe followed it.

“You need sunlight,” Flo told me.

“I know. Now’s probably a good time to go get it, though.” I went to the door between our rooms and entered hers. “Chrysalis, after that fight, I’m feeling drained. I need to go to the surface for a few hours. You cool without me?”

“Go. I will be fine down here. Do not wander far, though. The outer edge is guarded, but there are still enemies in the waste.”

I got to the surface just as the sun was starting to set. I could probably get enough light for a few days down below, so I just found a nice low rock to sit against and watched the sun set. It was nice.

“If you stay up here any longer, you won’t make it to your room in time to sleep,” Flo told me.

I sighed as I stood. The guard that came up with me jumped down the hole ahead of me. I followed him and made it back to the hive.

I got back to the palace just in time to see Chrysalis leading a familiar looking changeling into her room. I just smiled and shook my head as I went to bed.

When my head hit the pillow, I heard Flo lightly begin to sing. I couldn’t understand the words, but it lulled me to sleep almost instantly.

The nightmares that habitually plague me were not present that night. Instead, I was shown a paradise of sorts. I recognized the general layout of the land as the petrified forest I found her in, but the trees were vibrant and green. I reached out to touch one of the leaves, but flinched when I saw my arm. It was red and scaly.

“What is this?” I asked, holding my hands up. I saw they were closer to Spike’s hands than mine.

I heard Flo say, “My old subjects were very different from you and the ponies of today. They were lizards, of a sort. Not quite dragons, for they had no wings and could breathe underwater. They were a quiet, stealthy race. Many were warlike and followed the fire elementals, but those that were peaceful gave their allegiance to the waters. Go to the center of my glade.”

I shrugged and walked into the forest. I tried flapping my wings to find nothing happened. I didn’t expect anything to, but whatever. Since I didn’t have that to distract me, I just looked around the beautiful forest. It reminded me of my life back on earth. It wasn’t oppressive and chilling, like the Everfree. And it was less tame than the Whitetail Woods. It was, as I said, a near paradise.

And when I got to the center, I stopped. There was a perfectly clear pool of water surrounding the altar, upon which rested flowers of all kinds, fruits, the sword, and a single book.

As I stepped closer, Flo slowly materialized out of the water. She met me at the edge and slowly reached a hand out to caress my face. “I so miss my friends… They worshipped, though I told them not to. They tried to tell the air elementals they were hurting me, but they wouldn’t listen. I wish… I just wanted to see one of them again.”

She slipped her hand through my face and I felt my body shift back to human. Well, sort of human. I stretched my wings out, happy to feel them back. She smiled at my reaction. “It is good to see you accepting of your changes, forced though they are,” she said. “Even though the princess could have removed them.”

“What? She told me she couldn’t.”

“She lied.” Fucking bitch. “But that is no matter. Here, we can do whatever we desire. Well, sort of. I could show you the past, giving you a better history lesson. I could teach you some number of things. We could,” and here she turned a light hue of pink, “make love again. Well, with a small consequence; you would need to change your pants in the morning.”

I smiled and pulled her close, wrapping my wings around her. “I’m planning on taking a shower in the morning anyway,” I whispered.

I woke up to nastiness, but it was worth it. I removed my pants and shuddered as they hit the floor. With that, I took a shower.

When I got back into my room, I got dressed and laid the silk out a bit more so it could dry out better. I don’t know if it actually would, but I was hoping so. That shit was nasty.

I also checked the sword out. I was afraid to test how sharp it was, as Flo warned me that it hurt like a bitch. That said, if it cut through the leg of the spider, then it was definitely sharp. I looked it over and noticed more details today than I saw before.

“Runes,” I muttered, tracing them with my fingers. The sword was icy to the touch. “What do they say?”

“I do not know. The language predates us. The sword itself might, but I do not know much about it. I was a lesser known elemental, so I did not have as many artifacts as some. This was my only one, and I am well proud of it.”

“I will do my best to ensure it comes to no harm, then. How would you suggest I explain how I found it to the ponies?”

“Tell them the truth without mentioning me. Twilight will study it and find nothing but that it is enchanted. She will attempt to confiscate it, but you will get Celestia to intervene on your behalf.”

“That just seems like it will piss Twilight off. Why would I do that?”

“She likes the curiosity you represent. Yes, you anger her, but it is usually a good anger. Where she is quick to anger, you are calm. Where she is usually methodical in her actions, you are impetuous. Where she has failed, you have succeeded.”

“What does that mean?”

“I am not entirely certain. All I have to go off of are your past experiences with her. She lusts for you and yet builds up anger. You would do well to distance yourself from her.”

“If all you know is my past experiences, how do you know more than I?”

“I pick up on more facial and body expressions than you. I notice what your subconscious has noticed but you have not. And right now, Chrysalis is about to enter your room.”

I heard the door open when Flo said her name. I gripped the hilt of the sword and whirled to face the door, standing at a ready position. I relaxed when I saw it was her.

Flo sighed. “She already knows you are dangerous. There is no reason to try to increase your image.” Yeah well… Whatever.

“Alert as ever, Navarone,” Chrysalis said, smiling. “Are you ready?”

“What is today?”

“The fourteenth of February, I believe. I have a busy schedule, as usual.”

“Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day. I wonder what the ponies are up to…”

“Valentine’s Day? I know the ponies have a ridiculous holiday called Hearts and Hooves Day, but I do not know what you refer to.”

“In spirit, the day is the same thing. Ponies take it to a whole new level, though. In my world, the man was expected to do most of the work, as it was seen as more romantic. Here, it looks mostly even. Well, except for in Ponyville, where mares make up most of the population. Hey, you could take your soldier friend on a date.”

She looked thoughtful. She even turned her head to look back in the room behind her before turning back to me. “Navarone, how well would you say you know me?”

Flo whispered, “I know her very well.”

“Pretty good, I’d say.”

She slowly nodded. “I am taking the day off. You will go to my meetings and answer their demands as I would. If this goes well, I will see about making Valentine’s Day an official holiday.”

“Chrysalis, how will I know where all of your meetings are?”

“Doppel will assist you. She knows my schedule, in case any emergencies come up and I need to be found.”

“Speaking of, what if there is an emergency?”

“Have a mage send a large green flare to the roof of the cavern. I will know.”

“Awesome. Send Doppel here on your way out and I’ll do it.”

“Thank you, Navarone. I needed this. Do not damage my kingdom.”

“Chillax, bro. I got this.”

“I have no idea what you just said, but I feel comforted. Stand still.” She walked over to me and began to rub against me. Like, her entire body. It was really weird. “I needed to get my pheromones on you. Until tonight, then.” With that, she went back to her room and closed the door behind her. That was kind of awkward.

“That random changeling owes me,” I commented as I set the sword on the bed.

“Perhaps. It will be interesting to see how their relationship turns out.”

The wait for Doppel didn’t take long. “So I’m supposed to lead you around again?” she asked.

“Yep. Lead the way.”

“I gotta say, it’s gonna be funny watching you lead the kingdom into ruin.”

“We’ll see. How hard could it be?” I snapped my fingers, remembering something. I quickly strapped my axe on. “Let’s go.” She just shook her head as she led me to the hole at the end of the hall.

Alright, this day was boring as fuck. Like, I listened to changelings bitch and moan all day. I don’t want to write it down. There were no redeeming parts of it at all. Even Flo in my head just seemed to drag me down—no offense, of course. I don’t even know why I bothered writing that when she knows everything I’m thinking as I think it.

I hate meta-discussions.

When I got back to my room, I moved the sword off my bed, took the axe off, and just fell on the bed. It was nice, after so long of dealing with useless shit.

Flo began to lightly sing again, but I knew it wasn’t time for me to sleep. It did help me relax, though.

I don’t know what time Chrysalis poked her head in, but I was back to writing when she did. I was finally able to perfectly record books as they were originally written rather than as I remembered them; Flo was able to dredge up what I knew but forgot. I was planning on writing all of Shakespeare’s stuff out and giving them to Luna for a birthday present, if I could find out when her birthday was. I knew Luna would see that they were published, even if they were darker than Celestia would like.

“Navarone,” Flo said, breaking my concentration. “Chrysalis is here.”

I set the quill down and turned around. “How did it go?” I asked.

“Better than I expected, but not as well as I dreamed.” She shrugged. “Well enough. I trust my kingdom is not going to collapse?”

“It shouldn’t. Also, fuck your life.”

She grinned at that. “Yes, the life of a royal is not amusing. I imagine your princesses feel the same, though having two of them lets them split the load at least slightly. There are few I can swap with, though.”

“Raise some of the smarter ones to take your place sometimes. Maybe you could create an actual dynasty and pass the torch while you retire and serve only as a source of advice.”

“I might think on that. The children you gave me will probably be intelligent enough. Between the three of them, they might be able to handle the kingdom. It is a nice thought, though I don’t know what I would do with myself if I didn’t have a kingdom to run.”

“Travel the world. Go to parties. Act as an ambassador of sorts.” I shrugged. “I’m sure you can figure something out.”

“Yes… Yes, that does sound nice. I will definitely put thought in that. Now, I need to know when you will leave the hive. A definite answer, not ‘a few days.’”

“If you no longer need me, I can leave tomorrow. I know my time is running short, and Taya is probably missing me. Knowing Twilight and her friends, they might be planning a rescue operation for me.”

“Fools. I will have an escort waiting for you when you are ready to leave. They will take you back to your little town. I would offer to let you stay here forever, but I already know your answer.”

I just held up my hands and shrugged in a general, ‘Ey, what-are-ya-gonna-do’ way. She rolled her eyes. “Is your new boy toy in your room?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Before you start torturing him, send him in here. I want to say something to him.”

“Please don’t threaten him. He knows just the right things to say sometimes.”

“I won’t. It shouldn’t take long, either.”

She nodded. “You may borrow him, then. If I am gone in the morning, know that I will miss you.”

“Same here. Your hive is a pretty cool place, even though I almost died here at least twice.”

“And it’s a shame you had to be there for this time of trials. But that is life.”

“Yep. Now go on, you do look tired.”

“Good night, then.” With that, she walked back into her room. A moment later, her new little toy stepped into my room, looking very nervous.

I walked up to him and knelt down. “Hold up one of your front hooves,” I told him. He did. I lightly punched it. “You owe me. Now, go get her.” He grinned and went back into her room. I pulled the door closed and went back to writing.

That night, I had Flo show me some history. Some of the fights between the elements were fucking amazing. She showed me the largest battle there was before she was trapped, wherein earth, fire, and water elementals all fought each other in a massive orgy of violence. It was awe-inspiring, and I’m not a man that truly enjoys violence. From what I saw, most of the fire elementals looked like balrogs and the earth elementals looked like titans. The water elementals came in every kind of body type you could imagine.

It’s just, I’ve never seen a battle of that magnitude before. Each group of elementals brought a large warband with them. The water elementals had unarmored troops with spears and daggers, the fire elementals had troops with heavy weapons of every type and a mishmash of armor. The earth elementals had troops with heavy and bulky armor, most of which didn’t even have weapons.

The water troops were light on their feet and dodged most of the attacks. The fire troops dished out as much damage as they could, letting their armor take some blows and trying to dodge everything else. The earth troops just lumbered into combat and went swinging their fists left and right, trying to hit things and letting their armor take all of the damage. The three groups were relatively evenly matched.

The stalemate was broken at the sound of laughter. A fountain of earth erupted from the center of the melee and an abomination flew from the created hole. This… thing… When I try to write it, I can’t think of anything that fits. There was nothing even remotely recognizable about it. It was hard for me to even focus on it; whenever I tried looking at it, my eyes would just slip past and try to look beyond it. It was just… monstrous. Terrifying. Hideous.

And powerful. I heard its voice ring out. “I love a party, but I hate not getting invited. I do hope you don’t mind if I crash it.” Several of the troops appeared to go insane just looking at it, attacking their fellows. All of the water elementals began to retreat, trying to pull as many of their troops away as they could. The fire and earth elementals tried to fight it, but it just laughed as it dodged and absorbed all of their attacks. Unfortunately, Flo didn’t get to see the end of the battle.

At the end of the history thing, I saw that she was getting a little blue. I pulled her close and just held her, knowing that nothing I could say would help. I like to think she appreciated it.

Chapter Fifty-Four—Seriously, fuck Appaloosa

Chapter Fifty-Four—Seriously, fuck Appaloosa.

When I got up the next morning, Chrysalis actually was gone. I was kind of disappointed she wasn’t going to see me off, but I understood that she needed to make sure I didn’t fuck anything up. I wrapped the sword in the silk, threw my weapons and bag on, and walked out my room. There were several guards waiting in the hall. One walked up to me, saluted, and held out a letter.

“The queen asks that you give this to Celestia,” he told me.

I took it and slid it in a pocket. “Is she expecting a response?”

“Yes. I am to wait in Appaloosa for it.”

“Cool. Let’s go.”

The trip back to Appaloosa was uneventful, thankfully. And it was also short, since we could fly. I was even more thankful of that; the sword and the silk were heavy. Right before we got to within sight of the town, the main changeling group broke off and the remaining one turned into an eagle that perched on my shoulder.

“You better not shit on me,” I said as I walked into town. He just let off a piercing screech.

I want to say there was fanfare upon me entering, but fans don’t glare at you. I figured I probably could have handled the situation in town better, all things told, but I also didn’t care because I wasn’t planning on being there long.

Flo whispered, “You should care more about the feelings of the ponies. Should you anger them too far, they might not be happy to allow you to remain.” I knew that, but she did have a point. Still, I couldn’t see a reason for ever coming back to this hodunk town, aside from when I would return to break Flo out or maybe to visit the changelings.

Anyway, word of my arrival must have spread, because I was quickly met by a running Taya and a walking group of friends. Friends that, I might add, didn’t look overly pleased to see me.

Thankfully Taya didn’t plow me into the dirt with a hug, but she did hug me. I returned it as best I could with a sword and a massive amount of silk in my hands.

“Password?” she whispered.

“Illegal,” I answered.

“Darling, what is that?” Rarity asked, looking at the wad in my hands.

“Giant cave spider silk,” I answered. “I’ll give it to you on the condition that you make me a set of clothes out of it. The rest is yours.”

Twilight’s anger disappeared momentarily. “Giant cave spider? I’ve never heard of such a thing!”

“Yeah. We found it in a petrified forest that was in one of the giant ant tunnels after they attacked the hive. That spider put up a hell of a fight, too. So did the ants, but that’s not really important. Is there a blacksmith in town? I need a sheath and my axe needs to be repaired. Oh, and Spike: I have a letter that needs to go to Celestia.”

And the anger returned. Pissing off Twilight is so easy. “And you shouldn’t do it,” Flo said. It’s probably a good thing Flo couldn’t hurt me. “I could if I wanted to.” Dammit.

Before I could get yelled at, I said, “Twilight, I already know. You don’t need to yell at me.” She opened her mouth, but I stuck a finger to her lips. “Shhh.” She glared at me and tried speaking. “Shhhh, I’m here.” I bent down and gently hugged her.

“Nav, you bet—”

“Shhhh.”

“I mean it, y—”

“Shhhhh.”

“Oooh!”

“Shhh.”

At this point the girls were just cracking up. Spike was on his back laughing. Various random unimportant ponies were looking at us in confusion.

“FINE! Hmph!” I let her go and stepped back. Not quickly enough to avoid a kick to the shin, but I probably deserved that. “Now, what was that about ants? And a spider? And a petrified forest?”

I handed the letter to Spike as she was talking. He sent it away in a flash. I turned back to her. “Exactly as I said.”

“I bet that fight was so cool!” Rainbow said, flying a bit.

“They both sucked. I got my ass stomped by a spider and had to watch too many changelings get murdered by the ants. Although I did get to ride a giant ant and use its antennas to control it.”

“Nav, that’s silly,” Twilight said. “Ants don’t work like that.”

“Tell that to them. Well, if they weren’t all dead. Chrysalis killed the queen and the others just stopped.”

“They don’t work like that either!”

None of us were paying any attention to her. I was getting more questions from the others that I was doing my best to answer. When Spike coughed an answer up, the conversation sort of lulled.

Enough for Twilight to break in, at least. As I handed the letter to the changeling and he took off, she said, “And what about that sword? Where did you get it?”

“Found it at an altar in the center of the forest. From what I can tell, it’s enchanted with some kind of cold thing.”

Twilight scoffed. “Impossible. Weapon enchanting is an art that was lost before ponies came about. There’s only one enchanted weapon in all of Equestria.”

“Make that two, because this fucker’s old. Dash, you mind testing it?”

“What?! Why me?”

“Because you’re the Dash. You’re tough and strong and all that shit. You don’t have to.”

Her eyes shifted from side to side before sighing. “Fine. But that better not ruin my chances with the Wonderbolts!”

Since Flo didn’t say anything, I figured it was okay. “Hold out your leg, then.”

Fluttershy and Rarity looked away. Pinkie somehow got a bowl of popcorn. Applejack looked concerned, but didn’t say anything. Twilight had a premature smug look on her face. Rainbow gulped and held one of her forelegs out. I lightly gripped it and carefully ran the sword across it. Dash let off a cute little squeak.

She lowered her leg and looked down on it. It was obviously cut, but there was no bleeding. “What’s—OH CELESTIA!” She began to shiver and fell to the ground, trying to curl up to preserve as much heat as possible.

“Taya, heal her!” Twilight was too shocked to do anything and Rarity was panicking. Taya’s horn lit up and Rainbow’s wound quickly closed.

Flo whispered, “She needs heat. Healing closes the wound and stops the spread, but she will still be cold for a little while.”

I grabbed the bundle of spider silk and dropped it on top of her, doing my best to wrap her up. That done, I stood up and brushed myself off. Most of the Appaloosan ponies were glaring at me, while Fluttershy was trying to get a shaking Rainbow Dash to tell her how she felt. Pinkie was distracted by her popcorn. Rarity managed to stop panicking. Twilight was examining the sword where I dropped it.

I walked over and picked it up. “Where’s the blacksmith?” I asked aloud.

“What do those runes say?” Twilight asked.

“No clue. Blacksmith?” I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer, but it was worth trying.

Flo whispered, “No it wasn’t.” Yeah well, fuck you too.

“I need to study that sword, Nav. It’s dangerous!”

“So is my axe and this crossbow, but I don’t see you studying them.”

“Neither of those are magical! There’s no telling what other effects this sword might have!”

“Fine. You can do whatever after I get a sheath for it. I don’t want what happened to poor Dash to happen to me.”

We both looked over to her to see her finally standing up on shaky legs. She was trying to get the silk off her, much to the amusement of everyone.

I turned to look at Twilight and she sighed. “Fine. You can get your stupid sheath. But I’m going with you! You’re not going to hide this sword from me!”

“Why would I do that? That’s stupid.” I turned to Taya. “Come on, we’re going to find a blacksmith.”

She trotted up to me, much closer than she usually stands. I gently stroked her back before turning back to Twilight. “Lead the way.”

“You know, if you had taken the tour you could have found it yourself.”

“Shhhhh.” She just rolled her eyes and started walking off. Taya, Spike, and I followed. When we were out of earshot of the others, I said, “Alright, you can ask your questions now.”

“Finally! What happened with the giant ants? How big was the spider? What kind of venom did it use? How did the queen control her ants? What were their tunnels like?”

“One at a time, Twilight. When I left, Chrysalis didn’t know why the ants attacked, or if she did, she didn’t tell me. They came out of one tunnel and began swarming, tearing changelings to pieces. They didn’t seem to notice me at all. They were vulnerable to my crossbow and my axe. When their antennas were cut off, they went berserk. When you pulled on them, you could control them. I didn’t see the ant queen at all. I was protecting the nursery when Chrysalis killed her in some other part of the hive. Their tunnel reminded me of an intestine. It was shorter and less even than the changeling tunnels. We didn’t follow it all the way. We stopped at the petrified forest. That place was perfectly preserved. Eggs in nests, spider webs hanging around, leaves and grass set up perfectly. At the center was an altar, with this sword resting on it. Chrysalis took it with magic and as soon as I grabbed it, the spider made itself known. It was about fifteen feet tall, I’d say. Five meters. Evil fucker. Used web to fight. We managed to kill it with losses. That’s when we turned back.”

I know she wanted to ask me a question, but that’s when we got to the blacksmith and I wouldn’t have been able to hear her anyway. Taya and I entered, with Twilight and Spike waiting outside.

The blacksmith—or at least, I think it was him, it might have been an apprentice—looked up. “Oh, it’s you. We don’t serve your kind here.” I put a hand on Taya’s back before she did or said anything. I reached into my pack and pulled out a sack. He just rolled his eyes. “What kind of trash do you have to barte—”

He was cut off by the sound of clinking coins as a hundred bits hit the floor. His mouth dropped. Thankfully, none of the bits rolled too far from where they fell. “I need a sheath and I need my axe repaired.”

He slowly managed to come to his senses and looked back up to me. “I don’t care what kind of money you have. I ain’t making nothing for you.”

“Props for sticking to your guns. Taya, come. If he chooses to be narrow-minded, I shan’t disturb him any longer.”

I turned to walk out the shop. “Ain’t you forgetting something?” the blacksmith asked.

I turned my head back. “I have two more bags like that in my bag. Keep it. You’re going to need the money if you turn people away because you disagree with them.”

When we got outside, Twilight asked, “Don’t you need to leave the sword there for him to make measurements?”

“He did not desire my business. Asshole. I need to go to the general store next. Maybe I’ll have more luck there.”

“Oh come on! Can’t we just go back to where we’re staying and talk about what happened in the hive?”

“We can talk about it after I get some wire. I need to repair my crossbow.”

“Ugh. You just break everything you touch, don’t you?”

“Depends. I’ve touched you in several ways and in multiple places and you aren’t broken yet.” Flo giggled at that, for some reason.

Twilight tried to hide her blush by turning away and walking off. I just followed her. The other two passively followed us. It didn’t take us long to get to the general store. This time, I sent Twilight in with some money to buy the kind of wire I needed. Since this was a farming community, I was hoping they would have something that would work.

As it turns out, they did. Twilight came out with the wire and off we went to where we were staying. I soon found out that it was an almost identical farmhouse to the one Applejack had. It even had plenty of rooms. The only real downside was that Braeburn lived there. I was hoping that I had made myself clear, but just in case, I moved into Taya’s room. She had taken over a two bed room anyway, in anticipation of me staying with her. I dropped my bag and most of my weapons off upstairs and took the crossbow and the sword down to the kitchen, where Twilight was waiting with a lot of paper, a quill, and some ink.

I began giving her a more complete picture as I fiddled with and repaired the crossbow as best I could. When I got done with that, I moved onto the sword, doing my best to see if any kind of maintenance was required on it. When the conversation ended, Twilight said, “I don’t like it, Nav. I want to go down there and study that forest and the altar. Just think of what we could learn! That sword is enchanted. Who knows what powers the altar could have?”

“It doesn’t have any,” Flo answered.

“We tried touching it. If it has any, they aren’t immediately apparent. I doubt it does anyway. So, what can you tell me about this sword?”

“Enchanted weapons are extremely rare. We thought for the longest time that there was just one in existence. More testing will have to be done on this sword to see if it is actually enchanted or if it is just odd. The only other one we have is a spear, older even than Princess Celestia. As far as we know, it is older than the Fall, but there are almost no documents predating it. The spear was found seven hundred years ago in an archeological dig around Ponitaly.”

That’s the worst cop-out of a name I’ve ever fucking heard. “Does it have any kind of name?”

“It’s called the Spear of Destiny by some, since it doesn’t have an official name. There were no documents about it and the runes have proven to be indecipherable. They are similar to those on this, I believe… Was there any clue on the altar as to what it was called?”

“Not as far as I could see. I think the altar was dedicated to some kind of water entity.”

“What indication did you have?”

“The ground around it was lower than everything else. It looked like a pool of water should have been there. Other than that, I have no proof.”

Her horn lit up. “I’ll have you know that I learned the lie-detecting spell, Nav. What’s the truth?”

Flo?

“Do not tell her.”

“I can’t tell you. Maybe it was just a feeling. Maybe it was something I half-saw on the altar itself.”

“I can’t go off feelings! I need access to that altar… The changelings could be sitting on top of a major archaeological find! There’s no telling what other manner of artifacts could be down there.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Now, what is there to do in this place? Or should I just go find a cloud or something and zone out for hours?”

“Today, I’m afraid there’s not anything planned. Tomorrow, there’s supposed to be a play or song or something by Pinkie. You know how she is.”

Note to self: Find something else to do tomorrow.

Flo whispered, “You need to be there for your friend. She’s more sensitive than most of you realize.” Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt…

“That’s tomorrow, though,” I said. “What about today?”

“Well, Taya and Spike went to go help Rarity do something with that silk. Taya, to watch magic, Spike, to dote. And at the risk of sounding creepy… Nav, I’ve been dreaming about you. Can we just…” She sighed. “I know you’re promised to Luna, but…”

“Nah, I broke that off with her a few months ago.”

“YOU WHAT?! Why?”

“It’s not…” I wanted to say it wasn’t any of her business, but she was a friend. Even if Twilight was annoying at times, I still counted her as somewhat of a friend. “I don’t think I should talk about it. It wasn’t pleasant.”

“How did she take it?”

“It was hard on her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she set the dream machine up for sad dreams for a little while. Doesn’t she control that at least partially subconsciously?”

Her eyes widened. “That’s why I’ve been dreaming about you! And why the dreams were so…” She blushed. “Well, never mind. We can both ask around, see if anypony else has been dreaming about you.”

“Twilight, that sounds like a bad pickup line. You expect me to go around asking people if I’ve been in their dreams?”

“Oh. Yeah, that could be a problem. I can do all the asking.”

“When did the dreams start?”

“A few nights ago, when you were in the hives.” When I started talking to Chrysalis about what happened, probably. And when I banged her. That was a good night. For me, at least. I guess Luna wasn’t feeling the same. Guess that’s what she gets for spying on me.

“Twilight, I have to ask: Were those dreams sexual?”

“Erm… Yes…” She was blushing, scrunching down in her seat and trying to avoid looking at me.

“Well…” I was about to offer to make her dreams a reality.

Flo actually yelled at me this time: “DON’T DO IT! Don’t have sex with her again, Nav!”

I’m going to trust the voice in my head over the voice from my dick. Next time that voice better have a good reason, though. “Is there anything going on today we could do?” She looked so excited when I started talking, but seemed to sag when I didn’t mention sex. We had a semi-active sex life a few months ago. She was probably hoping to rekindle that.

“Nothing that I know of,” she answered in a morose voice. “I think Braeburn wants to talk to you.”

“I’m not certain I want to really talk with him.”

“You’re staying in his house, Nav. You can’t exactly avoid him forever.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but I don’t have to avoid him forever. I just have to avoid him for a few days.”

“You just have to be difficult about everything, don’t you?”

“What can I say? When you’re as easy as I am, you have to be difficult.”

“What does that me—Oh, you’re nasty.”

“Yep. Suggestions?”

“Hang out with the others?”

“Sure, why not. Just gotta put this sword up first.”

And with that, we hung out for the rest of the day. It wasn’t all that great, but eh.

When we got back to the ranch, dinner was on the table. Braeburn was waiting for us with a big ol’ smile. “Well heya there, Nav! Welcome back! Sure was quiet around here withoutcha!”

“I can imagine. I’m heading on upstairs, Taya.”

“Well hold on there, part.’ Don’t you want to try my sweet applesauce?”

I did a double take on that one. Then I saw that he was pointing to a bowl of applesauce. “I’m good, thanks.”

“What about letting your tongue taste my sweet apple ring?”

If I had been drinking, I would have spit it out. I looked at him, my eyes wide. I saw that he was actually pointing at apple rings. “I think I just lost my appetite. Forever. Sorry.”

Before he could open his mouth and ruin even more food for me, I made my way to the stairs.

I was having Flo recite a book for me when Taya came up. Flo stopped her recitation with, “Taya is hiding something from you.” That’s her business. I don’t want to be oppressive. “It’s a parent’s job to be concerned. If she’s hiding something, you should ask.” Not my business.

I set the quill down and turned to face her. “Did I miss anything, aside from you?”

“You made a lot of people mad. And… I’ve been having uncomfortable dreams.”

I felt my eyes widen a bit before narrowing in disgust. Dammit, Luna! “Yes,” I said. “I have been informed of those. I am going to deal with them when we get back to Ponyville.”

“I… I don’t know if I want to go to sleep again…”

I leaned back and ran my hand through my hair, thinking. I turned back to my desk, pulled out another sheet of paper, and wrote Celestia a quick letter telling her to get Luna to stop making the dream machine thing give ponies wet dreams about me. I mentioned that Taya was afraid of sleeping. When I penned it out, I passed it to Taya. “Go give that to Spike. Tell him to send it as soon as possible.”

“Alright. And… thanks, daddy.” She left and I was alone again.

“Never ends,” I sighed.

“No, it doesn’t,” Flo answered. “And in some cases, it just gets worse.”

“I gotta ask, how did you stay sane that long?”

“Elementals can’t go insane. We can just shut down, in a way. It’s easiest for the earth elementals to do it and hardest for the air elementals. You landed in me when I was dormant. When you spoke, I awoke.”

“Sorry for disturbing your rest, then. Hope you weren’t having a wet dream.”

“I would hurt you for that, but Taya would wonder why you were flinching.” With that, Taya entered. She didn’t have a response.

“Anything going on tomorrow or the day after?” I asked.

“Nothing you’d be interested in.”

“And Pinkie’s thing?”

“Are you really planning on going to that?”

“Pinkie’s a friend and I’ve been neglecting her recently. I forgot all that she’s done for me. I may not like some of what she does, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t support her. I won’t make you go.”

“Everypo—one else is going.”

“Taya, you really should learn to speak like a pony. You probably won’t live with me all your life, and you might confuse some.”

“And what about you? Why don’t you learn to speak like it?”

“Because I have eighteen or so years of not doing it. And because I’m not a pony. And because I couldn’t care less if I confuse or piss anyone off. I have well proven myself as useful and capable. You, they might worry about. Besides, there are those that have suggested that I am not fit to father a pony because of what I am. If you start speaking proper pony, some of those doubts might go away.”

Taya’s horn lit up bright for a second before she… she turned into a little girl. A human girl. A naked human girl. “Then I won’t be a pony anymore,” she answered. She easily stood and walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. It took me a second to notice my mouth was wide open in shock. “I’ve been… practicing,” she said. “Took me a while to learn to walk.”

“No,” I finally said. I gently pulled her away from me. “I can’t let you do this, Taya. You need to turn back.”

“And why not? You have the option of being a pony but you won’t take it! Why should you be the only one that gets to live like this?”

“Because this is how I was born! I can’t live as a pony, Taya. I feel terrible the entire time I’m in that form. It’s just wrong. And you can’t live as a human! You’ll be hard pressed to find anyone special, you could never have kids without adopting, you’ll get strange looks and intolerance, you’ll start getting periods… God, I’m not qualified to give you the period talk! You need to turn back, Taya.”

She hung her head a bit. “I just want to be closer to you…”

“Taya, you’re my daughter. The only way you can be closer to me is if I tied you to my leg. You don’t have to be a human for me to love you.”

“Then why don’t you ever let me stay with you when you have royal duties?”

“Because I don’t want you to get hurt. And because I don’t want to have to worry about making sure you stay safe. I do not live a safe life, Taya. You being around in those times when I’m fighting means I can’t concentrate on staying alive because I have to concentrate on making sure you stay alive. If you’re with my friends, I don’t have to worry as much about you. I can make sure I get home.”

“I can take care of myself…”

“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be worried. I can take care of myself, but you’re still worried about me anyway. I do want you to be with me, but I just can’t afford the risk of taking you.”

She was silent for a moment, still looking down. It took me a moment to realize she was crying. I sighed and pulled her back up against me, plopping her down in my lap. It was kind of awkward since she was naked, but I wasn’t going to let awkwardness stop me from comforting my daughter.

I don’t know how long we were like that. Sometime later, she finally pushed away from me. “Can I… stay like this, just for tonight? So I don’t have to dream?”

“Of course. Just… put some clothes on. I have plenty in my bag, just get the clean ones.” I set her back down on the floor. “It’s a shame we aren’t back on earth,” I commented as she walked over. “When you get older, I’d probably have to keep the guys off you with a shotgun.”

“What’s a shotgun?”

“Human weapon. Good for dads.”

She pulled some clothes out of my bag and quickly put them on. They were giant on her, but she managed to get them to stay on with belts. When she turned back to me, she saw that I was back to writing. “What are you working on this time?”

“Presents for Luna.”

“Why? You don’t owe her anything.”

“I’m still her friend, Taya. Friends occasionally give each other gifts. This will be a number of plays by a famous playwright, written in her style. I found my inspiration back in the changeling tunnels, and seem to be able to remember them much better.”

“I know you’re busy, but… can you tell me a story?”

Jesus, this dream shit must have her really upset. Understandably so, though. I would be pretty upset if I had a dream about fucking my dad, or at least someone that I associated with my dad.

I patted the bed next to me. “Anything in particular?”

“A story from where you came from.”

“I can work with that…” I took a few moments to think before I realized that I had absolutely no happy stories to tell. Flo? I heard a sigh as she began to recite. I mimicked her, adding my own flair. It wasn’t an overly long story, but it was happy.

Taya seemed to enjoy it, at least. I got a few more stories to tell her. When I was finished, she was getting tired enough to probably sleep. I sent her to brush her teeth and she finally went off to bed. With a dreamy and tired, “Night, daddy,” she was out, curled up in the blanket on her bed.

I quietly walked over to my bag and ruffled through it until I found my key. “I was going to wait to mention this later, but those items are cursed,” Flo said.

I know. You don’t just find random enchanted items like this. I walked over to the door and locked it with the key.

“Just be careful. If you die, I’ll be on my own yet again…”

Your concern is touching.

“You know I care about you. I would not have offered myself if I did not.” I tossed the key at my bag, turned the lights down, and went to bed. I was sung to sleep yet again. That night, we just talked.

When I finally got up, Taya was gone. My clothes were on her bed, so I assumed she turned back. I stretched, feeling a few joints crack. The bed wasn’t all that comfortable, but I wasn’t expecting it to be. I casually threw the axe belt and my shoes on as I started downstairs.

Then I took it all off when I realized that I needed a shower. I poked around a bit until I found it. From what I could tell, this building was empty. I took a quick shower and went to get dressed again. Thankfully, Braeburn didn’t show up or anything.

I did, however, find him waiting in the kitchen. “Well howdy! The girls all left early today, something about a play. They said I could show you around town and bring you by when it’s time. You know, you sure do sleep heavy.”

“Yeah, I do.” An odd thought came to me, then. I’ve never been raped by a stallion. Or a guy. Maybe they’re more loving than chicks or something. Man, I think having a chick in my head is turning me gay.

“That was all you,” Flo answered with a giggle.

You know what, fuck it. “Well, lead the way,” I said with a nod to the door.

He blinked in surprise. “Really? You ain’t gonna yell at me some more? Or threaten me?”

“I didn’t yell at you at all. And I apologize for threatening you. I am very tired of ponies thinking I’m an animal, or calling me one. I know now you didn’t mean to offend.”

“And… last night?”

“They didn’t tell you? I only eat around once a week. My body is different from a pony’s, so I need less food. And I had just gotten back from being in a town full of people that are being rude to me because I’m different or because of the changelings, not sure which. I was in a bit of a testy mood.” I shrugged. “Again, I apologize. Now, did you have any plans for the day? Or are you just going to show me around?”

His grin actually made me feel a little better for some reason. “How about you tell me about some of your adventures while I show you around?”

That didn’t sound fun at all. “I suppose. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had more adventures than you have town, though. Lead the way.”

He did just that. I started with Trixie and worked my way through. We ended the tour at an outcropping of rock above the orchard. My legs were dangling down and he was sitting next to me. I was giving him the abridged versions, but even then we had to stop to get to the play in time.

“So what’s this thing even about?” I asked.

“Don’t know. No pony told me. Hope it ain’t as bad as the last little musical she had here,” he answered.

“Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not.”

I looked around the crowd. It was me, Braeburn, all the girls, Spike, and a small amount of townsfolk. “So where’s everyone else?” I asked him.

“Remember the last one I mentioned? Yeah, it was generally considered pretty bad.”

Thanks a lot, Flo. She murmured something in response.

After a few minutes of waiting, the curtains on the random outdoor stage opened, revealing Pinkie in a tasteful settler dress. Her hair was a bit more ragged than usual and the dress was stained with dirt, as were the dresses of many of those around us.

“Hello everypony, and welcome to my newest play! Or rather, Nav’s newest play… Anyway, may I present, Macbeth!”

I face palmed. How did she even get those notes? I wrote them out while I was in the changeling cave! Hell, how did she even practice?

And then my second surprise of the day: She had humans playing the parts! It took me all of two seconds to figure out they were changelings, though: All of the guys were version of me with various clothing and hairstyles and colors. All the chicks were copies of a woman I knew, presumably taken from Doppel’s memory.

The play was performed perfectly. I don’t know how. The only thing they were missing was mood lighting, and they did what they could with magic and a few pegasi for that.

Most of the audience had no idea what was going on. First, human plays are different from pony plays. Second, these people spoke in antiquated English. Third, there was a lot of fucking dying going on. Macbeth’s a violent fucking play.

When it finished, there was a smattering of applause. More because it was over than anything else, I imagine. Twilight and Rarity seemed to understand it, but they were kind of horrified at the killing.

When it was over, Braeburn turned to me. “You wrote that?”

“Um. Kind of? I’m not the original writer. I brought it over from my world to here.”

“I see.” He turned back to the stage for a minute before turning back to me. “You do realize that play didn’t make any sense, right?”

“I said the same thing to my high school teacher. She wasn’t amused.”

“I don’t reckon she would be, if all your plays are like this! How’s anypony supposed to enjoy them if they can’t understand them?”

“Humans and ponies are different. And I would expect the richer classes to enjoy this play more. I was actually planning them as a gift, and I’m not overly pleased that Pinkie let this one get out before I was ready.”

He looked around at the crowd that was wasting no time dispersing. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about word spreading, Nav.”

“Yeah, I don’t reckon so. I’ll be right back” I hopped up on the stage to go find Pinkie to get my script back and to tell her to fucking ask first. I pushed past the curtain to find Pinkie handing a bag of heart shaped cookies to a changeling. It grabbed the bulging sack and flew away, barely able to get off the ground.

Pinkie waved for a moment before turning to me with a big smile. “What did you think?” she asked.

I held up my hands and gave a gentle golf clap. “Unexpected. You stole a gift and had it done prematurely. I’m not overly happy about that.”

“Oh p-shaw! How else was I supposed to get you to apologize and talk with Braeburn? He really likes you, you know.”

“No accounting for taste, I suppose… In what way does he like me?”

She giggled. “That’s the fun part! With you and Luna finished, you’ve been so depressed lately. And she has too, apparently, given that everypony has been dreaming about you for days. I figured I could hook you up with Braeburn!” She wasn’t one of those that I told about me and Luna being done.

“And you didn’t see any problems with this.”

“Nope! Why would I?”

“Pinkie, I’m not attracted to stallions.”

“Well, you’re not attracted to mares either. That doesn’t stop you from having a bit of fun though.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but had to close it when I realized she did kind of have a point. Hell, I’m already a horse fucker. But… I’m not a homosexual horse fucker.

I shook my head. “Sorry, Pinkie. It’s just not for me. I do appreciate you trying to look out for me, though. Especially given that little spat a few months ago.”

I felt an invisible slap across the face. “Why would you even mention that?” Flo asked.

Pinkie looked depressed for half a second before popping back up. “You never know until you try!”

“Nah. I’ve done many odd things, but I won’t be adding that. Now come, I’m sure you have some adoring fans to talk to.”

She gasped in surprise before galloping through the curtain. I smiled slightly and followed, knowing that only the girls, Spike, and maybe Braeburn were back there.

I found that I was right. Pinkie looked disappointed, but was still talking very animatedly about the play with them. Most of them didn’t know what the fuck it was about.

Twilight did and was talking to Pinkie in excited tones about motifs or something silly. The others looked like they were sidling away, trying to sneak off. I walked up to the group, picked Taya up, and walked away. I didn’t really have a plan of what to do, but I figured anything would be better than letting Taya suffer like that. Or suffering myself.

The others, perhaps emboldened by my brave deeds, tried their best to sneak off. Fluttershy was the last one left and was backing up until Twilight called out, “Don’t you agree, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy eeped and looked back, trying not to look guilty. “Um… yes? I mean no! I mean… I don’t understand the question?”

Letting Fluttershy be our scapegoat, the rest of us made sure to get out of earshot. Twilight’s friends went one way. Braeburn, Taya, and I went another. Braeburn spoke up as we walked to some unspecified destination. “So how did you and Taya meet, Nav? She said you were her father. I don’t know much about science, but I don’t think it works like that.”

“Found her in Egypt. Brought her to Equestria.” I shrugged. “Simple as that.”

“No it isn’t,” Taya said. “You always do this! Oversimplify the good you do and embellish the bad! Why do you want everyone to think you’re such a bad person?”

“Because if they think I’m bad, they won’t be surprised when I do evil. I won’t have to see the hurt in their eyes. I won’t have to see the horror and sorrow of a good man gone bad. I’ll just see the recognition, the haunted look of someone who sees exactly what they expect. Braeburn, what else is there to do in this little town?”

He was looking at me in horror.

“What?”

Taya rolled her eyes and used her magic to trip me. “I suppose that counts.” I picked myself off the ground and continued walking.

“Nav… what is wrong with you?” Braeburn asked, fear or something else in his voice.

“A lot of things. You going to answer my question?”

“Not until you tell me what that means! What kinda pony says that about himself?”

“I ain’t a pony, Braeburn. Just because we’re both sapient doesn’t mean we’ll have the same thought process. Now, what can we do?”

“You just said something so dark and depressing… and then you immediately asked me what I want to do like there ain’t no problem in the world. That ain’t normal, part’!”

“Your definition of normal and abnormal does not apply to me, Braeburn. Again, I’m a human. You don’t know how we think versus how ponies think. Trust me when I say that I’m fine.”

“Well… why did she knock you down?”

“Because I called myself a terrible person and she doesn’t like that.”

“Is it true?” he asked. “Are you a terrible pony?”

“Yeah, I’m a terrible pony. But she doesn’t care what kind of pony I am. I don’t either.”

“Uh… are you a terrible person, then?”

Taya finally spoke up. “Of course he’s not! He’s a hero!”

“I think anti-hero might be the better term,” I corrected. “I have done good, yes. But I’ve also done evil.” I have this conversation way too many times. “It honestly doesn’t matter, Braeburn. I’ll be heading home tomorrow. I just want to have one good memory of this town before I go.”

He looked reluctant to drop it, but I guess my dull tone convinced him that it wasn’t a subject worth pursuing. That was probably a good thing for him. I’m tired of getting pity. “Well, I reckon you could tell me more of your adventures. They seem pretty interesting.”

I sighed. “Fine. Not like I have anything else to do but write. That outcropping was nice, we can go back there.”

“Sounds good to me!” He started off towards it. Taya and I followed.

“Taya, you are welcome to go with the others or continue your lessons with Twilight. I know you have to get bored hearing me tell others about what I’ve done.” Lord knows I get bored with it.

“Someone—” I ahemmed again. “Ugh! Somepony has to make sure you tell the truth.”

“What, you don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust you to tell things as they actually happened. I think it’s more likely you’ll skim over the good and focus on the bad.”

“Just because that’s true doesn’t mean it’s bad.”

“It’s dishonest! It doesn’t paint an accurate portrayal of who you are.”

“Well, I’m also not a very honest person.” She couldn’t really deny that.

Braeburn could, though. “You don’t seem so bad to me. A bit odd, yeah. But so far you seem all talk and no bite. And I don’t think you’ve told me any lies.”

“Have I had a reason to lie to you, Braeburn?”

“Well I don’t think so. But I can’t think of a reason to lie to anypony!”

“I hope your life stays that simple, then. I hope you continue being honest. It does save a lot of trouble, sometimes.”

“What kind of things have you ever had to lie about?”

I shrugged and gave him a list. Not an overly long one, but all of them were situations wherein telling the truth would have been worse than lying.

“Well, none of those makes you a bad pon—er, person! Those are just things ya gotta do. Ain’t got no choice in the matter.”

“I never said I thought I was bad because of lying.” I waited to get tripped, but nothing came. I began looking around again, seeing the surroundings. We were in the trees, now. “I gotta say, Braeburn: For a town full of dicks, you guys did a wonderful job with these trees. I wouldn’t have imagined them being able to grow out here.”

“The townsponies ain’t so bad… You just didn’t exactly give the best impression. You sided with a monster over a pony.”

“I sided with justice. There was more to the story of that dog and the changelings than any pony knows. I did what needed to be done.”

I heard Flo say, “Who are you trying to convince of that, Navarone? You know Celestia would have been kinder to him than feeding off him for the rest of his life, while at the same time making sure he was no threat to anyone.”

“If you say so, Nav,” Braeburn said doubtfully. “The others just don’t like it. Dogs aren’t uncommon around here, though most of them are pets and can’t talk. Whatever that bug thing was… she looked like a real monster. And you sided with her over a critter that we all know for loyalty and affection. You ain’t gonna earn many fans for stuff like that.”

“I stand by it. Enough of this dark talk.” We were at the outcropping now. “Let me tell you how I helped the slaves. At least if you hide the dark spots of that, it sounds like an awesome tale.” We sat down and I told yet another story. Twilight showed up some time in the middle of the third or so and stole Taya away.

It was just me and Braeburn telling stories, then. He was telling me about himself and how the town was founded and about the buffalo. I was telling him about some of the events happening outside of Appaloosa and a bit about myself. It was a nice night, and I think back fondly on it. I was glad I decided to give him a chance.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

We talked on that little outcropping for several hours. I still had a little bit of alcohol left in a flask that I passed back and forth; neither of us could get drunk off that much, but at least it kept our throats wet.

“Sounds like you haven’t had that much luck with the mares, Nav,” he said when I got finished explaining what happened with Luna.

“I haven’t had much luck at all. This world… fuck it.”

“It really ain’t that bad, Nav. I mean, if you try something so many times and keep getting the same result, maybe you should try something different.”

I was silent for a while after that, thinking. I knew he was right, up to a point. A lot of my problems in life were caused by doing the same thing over and over. I could probably solve a lot of them by just going at them in a different way. It’s just… change isn’t always good. And it’s hard sometimes to try new things.

“You’re right, up to a point,” I finally said. “I can only do so much different. Some things are too deeply ingrained in me to change and some would be too much work. But… I might try some new things.” It took me a moment to realize what I implied.

He was looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

I sighed. “I’ve… I’ve never tried anything like that, Braeburn,” I said. Flo, any advice?

“This is all you,” she answered me. “From everything I can tell, he’s willing to do anything you’re comfortable with.”

I slowly nodded. “If we go slowly, I’m willing to try.” His grin split his face. Before he could say anything, I held up a hand. “But nothing is going inside me, especially without lube.”

“Well shoot, part’! That won’t be a problem at all. It’ll even make this easier. Now, just get outta that fancy getup and we can get started.”

I took a second to decide if I really wanted to do this. I was really on the edge. I was willing to try it, but at the same time I was afraid. I sagged a bit and removed my shirt, stretching my wings out wide. It felt good to air them out sometimes. Braeburn let out a low whistle and I flinched, not used to something actually liking my human body.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’m… I’m not used to someone actually liking the way I look. Luna hated being a human and I hated being a pony. I think I’ve only had a few lovers that actually liked my body.”

He scoffed. “Don’t know why. You’re a little odd, but…” He licked his lips. “Odd ain’t always bad.” His eyes went to my pants. “Of course, you ain’t quite finished yet.” I said a quick prayer and undid my belt. I wasted no time removing my pants and kicking them aside. “Huh. I was expecting more hair.”

“That’s what the dragon said,” I commented, actually blushing for the first time in a while.

“Now, now, don’t you be thinking about her any. I’ll treat you like a right gentlecolt. You just rest your back down there on the ground and we can get started.”

I took a deep breath and gently sat down. He walked up to me before I could lay back any and brought his lips to mine. I was surprised, not expecting him to actually do anything like that. After a moment, I let him into my mouth. I felt his tongue exploring as mine receded, the fear I was still feeling making me hesitant to act.

Perhaps sensing my reluctance to act, Braeburn pulled back. “Relax, Nav. If you want me to stop anything I’m doing, just tell me.”

I let out a breath and nodded. “Okay. Okay, I’m ready.” I hope.

He nodded and put a hoof on my chest, gently pushing me back. I leaned back onto my arms, not wanting to lie on the ground for fear of hurting my wings. He grinned at my member. “See there? Looks like somepony’s happy to see me.”

Despite the awkwardness of it, my body still knew that something fun was probably about to happen. I wasn’t fully hard yet, but I was getting there.

I let out a gasp as his mouth encompassed it and he worked his tongue around it, trying to get me hard. As strange and uncomfortable as the situation was, Braeburn was doing his best to make it feel good. It didn’t take me long to harden, filling up more of his mouth and making him grunt in pleasure at the feel. He used his forelegs to push my legs out of his way, giving him better access by holding my legs open.

He pulled back so that just the head was in his mouth. His big green eyes looked up at mine as he circled the head with his tongue before bobbing back down, taking it in up to the base and wrapping his tongue around, moaning as he did so. My heart rate began to pick up as he continued pleasing me with his mouth.

I felt a hand go unbidden to his head. I threw his hat to the side and began rubbing at one of his ears, while the other hand tried to hold me off the hard ground. In response, he bobbed down again, taking all of me inside and letting the tip slide gently down his throat. I felt his tongue lick out and caress my balls, cradling them and wetting them before he pulled back up and continued playing with just the head.

I was starting to pant as he kept up the blowjob, not wanting it to end but at the same time unable to stop myself from peaking sooner than ever.

“Brae-Braeburn, I’m… I’m about to…”

His eyes locked with mine as he bobbed down again, ready to catch the seed that finally erupted into his throat. I felt his tongue reach out and cradle my balls again, trying to get as much as possible. My hand left his ear and went to the back of his head, trying to keep him down so he couldn’t pull away if he tried.

When he finally milked as much as he could from me, I felt him begin to pull away, his tongue finally releasing me. I let my hand fall away and he stepped back, grinning. “See there? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I had finally caught my breath. “That might have been the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten,” I sighed. “You did better than a princess.”

He blushed. “Well shoot. It takes a stallion to know how to please a stallion. Now, you wanna head on back? It’s getting kinda late.”

I took a moment to think. I’ve come this far. What’s the harm in finishing it? “No. You did… this for me. The least I can do is attempt to return the favor.”

He looked shocked but pleased. “You sure, Nav? I won’t ask ya to.”

“No, I’m not sure. Just… lay down on your back. And take your vest off.”

He nodded and stripped out of the little vest he had. He tossed it aside to join his hat. He got on the ground and rolled onto his back, his hooves sticking up a bit in the air. His head tilted up to look at me. “Don’t worry too much about being careful with me,” he said. “I don’t mind it rough.”

I grimaced a bit at memories before gently caressing his sheath. He sighed in pleasure as I slowly worked his stallionhood out, rubbing my hands on it as it quickly increased in size. “Oh, why can’t ponies have hands?” he whispered.

I booped the head of his equine shaft. “Because that would look silly.” I continued rubbing him as I asked, “Two choices. Do you want me to use my mouth or my wings?”

“Why not… why not both?”

I stretched my wings out fully. “Well, I’ll give it a shot…” I took a moment to wonder what my dad would say if he saw me now before moving my face in and gently kissing the tip. Not even going to try to fit it all in... I reached my tongue out and circled the head as I brought my wings in and began caressing the shaft with them, feather-light touches making him sigh in pleasure.

My tongue continued tasting his member as I worked just the head inside of my mouth, wrapping my lips around it and flicking out against his urethra, pressing in just a little to tease before pulling back and circling some more.

One of my hands went down to his sack to gently massage his balls while my other held him in place, making sure he didn’t escape my playful tormenting. I moved my eyes away from his furry stomach to look at his face. His eyes were closed and he was biting his lower lip, blushing up a storm. I giggled and he finally let out a moan. I let my eyes return to my workspace as I continued toying with him.

I pulled my mouth away from his tip with a pop. He groaned as I ran my tongue down the shaft and lifted one of my wings to circle his head while I gently sucked on his balls, my hands continuing to run along his shaft.

“N-nav…” he moaned as I continued. He was getting close. I moved my mouth back up to his tip and let my wings continue toying with his shaft. I saw one of his hooves moving up to my head. I grabbed it with one of my hands and pushed it away.

I worked his head into my mouth again and began taking more of him inside. I wouldn’t be able to deepthroat, but I could please him more by getting more inside. I grinned as I heard him moaning and I continued circling his head with my tongue, hoping to finish this quickly.

“I’m… I’m gonna…” I pulled my mouth away and let my wings pick up the pace, driving him to finish as I got away from the blast zone. I aimed him away with my hands as he messily squirted, coating the rock a few feet away with his juices. I continued rubbing him and letting my wings toy with him as he squirted a bit more out. I continued until he began to go limp, finally exhausted. “That… that was amazing,” he sighed.

I pulled my wings away. “Consider that my apology for how I treated you earlier,” I said.

“So… you’re rethinking stallions?”

“I can’t really imagine a relationship with one… but I don’t know if I would mind doing this again. Honestly, this might be a onetime thing… I like mares too much.”

He slowly nodded, rolling over so he could stand up again. “I understand, Nav. It ain’t for everypony. Still, you gave it a chance. And by Celestia, what a chance it was! I ain’t ever been treated like that before!”

I fluttered my wings. “They’re good for something, at least. So, you ready to head on back?”

He looked up at the sky to see the sun finally sinking below the horizon. “I reckon we should, but I don’t really want to. This was fun, Nav.”

“Well, if you ever come to visit Applejack and I’m in town, maybe you can convince me to make that one time thing happen again.”

He grinned. “I might just do that.”

(Sex is over)

Chapter Fifty-Five—One of these days, these mares are going to kill me.

Chapter Fifty-Five—One of these days, these mares are going to kill me.

We left early the next morning. While we were on the train, a message for me came in on Spike. It had a train pass from Celestia to get me free rides anywhere forever and an order to continue riding the train until I got to Canterlot. She needed to talk to me in person. She didn’t say why she didn’t teleport me. I just shrugged and sat back, continuing the ride in silence.

When I finally got to Canterlot, I flew straight to the palace. The guards let me in with no problem, directing me to the sitting room. Right then and there, I formed a plan for what to do with the furniture in that place. It was an evil plan that made me smile.

When Celestia finally came in, she caught me testing the weight of some of the furniture. “What are you doing, Nav?” she asked as the door slid shut.

“Oh, you know.” I let the table drop down the floor. “What did you need?”

“A few things. First, this came for you.” She passed me an envelope. I slid it into a pocket. “Open it and read it now.” I shrugged and did so.

“An invite to the… Fabulous Flankfurt Festival. For me and a date.” I looked up. “Where the fuck do they come up with these shitty names?” Apparently Flankfurt is in the region of Germaneigh. I shit you not.

She ignored the question. “The fact that you have an invite is less important than who it came from. Read that part.” I looked down at that part.

“Clutch leader Pyrite, head of the dragon horde.” I looked up. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”

“That is one way to put it, yes. It is possible he didn’t hear about what you did with Kumani, yes, but if you got that invitation from him, there is a good probability that he did.” She paused to let that sink in. “Of course…” She floated me several other envelopes. “It wasn’t just him that sent you one. So you’re probably okay.”

“Oh you bitch! You did that on purpose!” I snatched them out of the air and began opening them. An invite from the griffins, the dogs, the naga, and one from Celestia herself. “So does this mean I can bring five dates?”

“No. You may bring one. I will be attending this year and I will have my own guards, so you are free to enjoy the party as you would. Do you plan to attend?”

“I do. And I don’t suppose you’d be interested in revoking the ban on me participating in the tournament?”

“I will consider it. The environment this year is one well suited to your… traits.”

“Are you being racist again?” She smirked. “It’s because I’m a monkey, isn’t it?” That smirk turned into a smile. “I bet it’s a fucking jungle.” She giggled. “I’d love that. Are the changelings going to be there?”

The smile on her face dropped. “There will be a changeling delegation. Chrysalis will not be there. Navarone, I know you like the changelings, but keep your interactions with them to a minimum while at the party. The dogs are furious that the changelings even get a delegation, after what happened with the Diamond Dog miners. I do not need them to find out that you were involved. And on that note, I need to look into your memories again, to learn the truth of what Twilight did while she was in the hive.”

I sighed. “Feel free.” Flo, protect yourself if you must.

Celestia bent her head down and lightly touched my forehead with her horn. It lit up and she began poring through my mind. It took a lot longer than I was expecting. When she pulled away, she looked a bit disturbed. “Navarone, you are way too close to Chrysalis.”

“Well, she’s a good friend. And she probably has my children.”

“I did research. Those aren’t your children. She’s fertile, but she can’t have children with things outside of her species. She lied to you, Nav.” Or you’re lying to me. “Do not trust her, and never enter any of her hives alone. Do not even be around her alone. I understand that you like her, but at the same time you of all pon—people know what she’s capable of and how evil she truly is.” So who is telling the truth and who is lying? I wouldn’t hold it past Celestia to lie to me about that, if she thought it would keep me under control.

“I trust her precisely because I know how evil she is. But very well, Celestia. I prefer you anyway. Squishy is preferable to crunchy any day.” She rolled her eyes.

“There is then the issue of your enchanted sword. Twilight already sent me a preliminary report. I see that you have it with you.” I managed to secure it in my pack. I got a few odd looks with a blade sticking out of it, but I didn’t give any fucks. “May I examine it?”

“Do you really need to ask? I mean, what would you do if I told you no?”

“It’s a nicety, Nav. It pays to pretend to be polite.” While we had that little back and forth, I was pulling the sword out. I held it up for her.

“Interesting…” She held it up with her magic. It began to glow a pale blue. The runes carved into it glowed brighter than the rest. After a few minutes of studying it, she passed it back to me. “I can think of no better agent to safeguard this than you, Nav. Before you leave, go to the smith. He can make you a sheath. And he can repair your axe, since it looks like it has seen better days.”

I set the sword down and said, “Twilight mentioned a Spear of Destiny. How did it get that name?”

“I do not know. It was referred to that way once and the name seemed to stick. It’s not a common topic. The spear is in a museum here in Canterlot. They may know more about it.”

“The reason I ask is because there were legends about a Spear of Destiny in my world. The history is… unimportant,” and fucked up, “but there was nothing ever proven, I don’t suppose. It would have gone missing in Italy or Israel, likely.”

She shrugged. “Coincidence. It isn’t the first.”

“No, but they are starting to add up and are beginning to get eerie.”

“You’re just getting paranoid, or perhaps you are homesick. You notice little things and connect them to parallels back on your world in an effort to continue adjusting.”

Sounds like bullshit to me. “Whatever. You need anything else?”

“Three more points. First, shortly after the Flankfurt party, I will need your assistance in a matter. You will not like what you have to do.”

“Do I like any of what I have to do for you?”

“You seemed to enjoy assisting me around this time last year. Speaking of which… If you’re interested, I can do that again.” She might have seen the blood draining from my face. She giggled and said, “I didn’t think so. I didn’t think you would be interested in ever trying that again. Another thing: In a few months, there will be a large scale training exercise for the guards. It will be between Luna’s night guards and my day guards. Each side may field a total of five knights. Since Luna only has one, I will only field one. You are going to assist the night guards. Her guard captain is in charge, of course, but you will have some freedom to do as you please. I would not be surprised if you were given a small group to order about.”

“So what, it’ll be some war games or something? How will it work?”

“The two sides will make camp and mount patrols and the like to try to learn the other team’s weakness. Raids and clashes between patrols will be expected. All weapons will be blunted with magic and no pony will be killed. When one side runs out of troops or surrenders, the games are over.”

“So it’s like two actual enemy camps. Awesome, I can do that. Historically, who tends to win?”

“I do. Luna’s side has won plenty of times, but the clear majority of victories are mine. Since she got back, she has not won a single game.”

“Why wasn’t I told last year?”

“You were busy in the Everfree Forest. Now, the last issue: Luna’s dreams. I spoke with my servants after you sent that note. They all report dreaming about you. Sexually dreaming about you. Both the males and the females.” I face palmed. “I know this has to be incredibly embarrassing and unsettling. I discussed the matter with Luna. She misses you, yes, but it wasn’t something she did on purpose. She told me that she was going to do her best to set the dream machine on a setting that avoided dreams of you. She also used the announcement feature to apologize in the dreams of all the ponies.”

“There’s no way to make them forget? Or to disguise me from them in the future? Celestia, it’s a fucking terrifying thought! Ponies across the world dreamed about fucking me! I’ll be getting blushes and dirty looks until all the ponies that experienced it die!”

“I know, Nav. I wish there was more I could do, but aside from turning you into a pony to disguise you, there is nothing. I’m sorry, but it’s just something you’ll have to live with. I imagine most ponies will be hesitant to mention it or bring it up anyway; many are too mature.”

Maybe that was why all the ponies at Appaloosa hated me. Or at least, another reason for it. I also got a lot of looks on the way here. “The adults are, yes. Taya had those dreams, Celestia. I’m sure other children did as well. You just know they’re going to ask their parents. And then I’m going to be made out to be the bad guy because of it. And this might even give an entire generation of ponies a crush on me. The shitty life I have here could be ruined over this.”

“I know! There is nothing I can do, Nav. I know you don’t like it, I know what the consequences are, and I know that it’s bad! But unless you feel like going to Luna’s room right now and rutting her like a whore, there is nothing either of us can do about it. I’m sorry, but it’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.”

I knew there was nothing she could do, but I was still pissed about it. I just sighed, leaned over, and rubbed at my temples.

She continued, “Now, I know I have no right to ask this of you, but is it possible for you to abstain from sex? If she looks in on you and sees it… Well, that’s probably what caused this.” Oh, now I was really pissed.

“Or the two of you could fucking butt out of my life! Why do neither of you trust me? I know you’re constantly watching every little move I make. Have to make sure your tame killer doesn’t go off the deep end and start hurting any of your precious ponies, don’t you? I’m getting tired of it, Celestia! I am what I am because you made me this way. If you didn’t want a killer on a leash, you shoulda thought about that before you sent me to Egypt. If you know fucking anything about me by now, it’s that I don’t betray my friends. But you… you don’t seem very friendly to me right now, Celestia. You and your sister both are starting to look more and more like you need a dagger in the back. Either fucking trust me to live my life without constantly being watched and judged, or end it here and now.” I pulled a dagger out and put it against my chest. “Just push it on in. I might even thank you for ending this hell you put me in.”

She looked terrified and ashamed. Her horn lit up and the dagger ripped itself away from me. “We don’t watch you to judge you! We watch you because we can’t live our lives! We have to live through proxies, through others. We have no privacy, no free time, no chance at love… We just want to live a normal life, Nav. And you’re the closest thing to that we have. We watch you to watch what it would be like if either of us could retire. You get the protection of the two most powerful entities on the planet because of it. Do you truly not see that as a fair exchange?”

“No! Look where it fucking got me! Broadcast into the dreams of ponies everywhere as nothing more than a sex object. And if you were truly protecting me, why did you not save me from Twilight’s poison? Why did you not save me from Taya’s oven? Why did you not save me from Kat? You watch what you want and disregard the rest. You’ve never once protected me, Celestia. Luna has, a single time. And she was angry about having to do it. You’re just digging for excuses to spy on me and your ponies. If I was anything approaching normal, I might buy your excuse about watching as a proxy for living. But you and I both know that I don’t have a normal life, Celestia. You don’t watch me to pretend to live and saying otherwise is bullshit.”

“My sister and I are considerably less normal than you, no matter how tortured you think you are. Yes, you’ve had a hard time of things. Yes, most of it was my fault. But don’t you ever think we haven’t been through and done worse. Ever since Luna and I became the heads of state, we have been through more trouble than you could possibly imagine. Discord, crazy unicorns, redefining the entire essence of magic, the dragon wars, the griffin wars, the civil wars, the dog attacks, the entire Nightmare Moon incident and all of its fallback, and then editing and hiding history to make sure none of the ponies ever know that the world of peace I’ve built was built on the bodies of untold numbers. When we took the throne, the entire world was at war. Entire nations were starving. No pony trusted anypony else. And look at the world today, Navarone. That did not happen overnight. Over six. Thousand. Years. And this is after the entire alicorn nation was wiped off the face of the planet, leaving just me, my sister, and the perverted changelings. So forgive me for thinking you can handle some little things yourself and that I don’t need to save you out whenever you hit a hiccup.”

I was so tempted to sock her in the fucking jaw. I knew she was right but at the same time I knew what I was saying was true. I was tired of being watched, especially if shit like this was going to come of it. I was also tired of being used. I crossed my arms, knowing I had an underhanded trump. “Then when was the last time you got raped, Celestia?” She jerked back. “When was the last time your best friends took advantage of a weakness to make you a sex-crazed animal? Or when was the last time you helped an entire group of people only to have one of them hold you down and make you do whatever she wanted? Or when was the last time you had someone use a friend of yours as a hostage so she could do whatever she wanted to you? Or when was the last time your special somepony used a spell to invade your mind and literally fucking torture you?” We were both pissed and we both needed to vent. I realized I was standing and sank into a seat. I tried to use a softer tone to say, “Fuck Luna. I’m not going abstinent because she can’t control herself. If she needs to get laid, I’m sure she can find any number of suitors.”

She sighed. “Very well, Navarone. I will talk with her about giving you space. I suppose it honestly isn’t fair looking over your shoulder every hour of the day.”

“Celestia, you already told me you would stop that shit. How do I know you aren’t just going to both say you won’t do it and then do it anyway?”

“Trust has to start from somewhere, Nav. You want us to trust you. Should you not trust us as well?” Look who has a worse track record, you stupid bitch.

“But what if it’s something you need to see? It is less aggravating and privacy dampening if there is a situation wherein you’ll need to watch something.”

“Luna and I will deal with that. And I apologize for yelling at you.”

“I know that isn’t sincere. You need to vent just as much as I do. Hell, probably more so. There ain’t no bad blood here.”

“If I took the time to truly vent, we would probably be here until the kingdom fell into ruin. Now, you need a sheath and to get your weapon repaired. And I need to get back to work. As ever, it was a pleasure seeing you.”

“I’m always here if you need me, Celestia. I’ll head to the armory as soon as I get my stuff together.” She nodded and departed. When she left, the room seemed to feel emptier than it should have.

I shrugged and grabbed the knife from where she had dropped it. I slipped the sword back into my pack and was on my way to the armory. When I got there, I passed my axe and my sword off to the blacksmith fellow. I got permission to leave my crossbow and my clothing bag in there and went off to roam around the town. I had been all over the palace before, and the blacksmith told me it would take a few hours for both of the jobs to be done.

So it was in a somewhat apathetic mood that I wandered randomly around the city. I got more than a few unpleasant looks and several blushes as I walked, but not a one of them dared mention the dreams. I kind of wondered how many of them were blushing and were also there at the orgy.

“Nav, be careful!” Flo warned.

I was walking down a side street when I realized that the road was empty except for me and two stallions at one end of the street and a stallion and a griffin at the other. I was in the middle of the street before I noticed that. I looked down both ways and saw that both groups were smiling darkly and edging closer. I tried stretching my wings out to find that I didn’t have enough room to do it. I looked up to find that there were overhanging roofs blocking me if I tried turning to fly.

It took me a moment to realize that I walked into an ambush. As soon as I did, I laughed aloud. “Who are you goons working for?” I asked. “A friend of Blueblood’s?”

“Now, now, that ain’t important,” one of the stallions said. “What’s important is that you made somepony important a bit angry with you. We’re here to teach you a lesson. Now, we can do this the easy way or we can—” He stopped talking when he caught a knife in the eye.

I quickly whipped my shirt off while the other goons were staring in horror. They weren’t used to prey that knew how to fight back, I imagined. The griffin reacted quickest, lunging at me. Thankfully for me, he was still far enough away that I was able to rip a dagger out of the belt across my chest and hit him in the chest with it. He went down, injured but not dead.

“YOU SAID HE DIDN’T HAVE WEAPONS!” one of the stallions yelled to the other.

I pulled out another two throwing knives and tossed them both at the stallion that yelled. He managed to dodge one but the other hit him in the front leg. I turned just in time to duck under a wild swing from the remaining stallion. I pulled out an actual dagger and squared off against him.

“Whattaya say, wanna just walk away?” I asked. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

He backed away a step. I saw his eyes jerking around to his two injured friends and his dead one. “That fool didn’t pay me enough for this!” He bolted. I considered throwing a knife at him anyway, but I figured he could tell the tale of what happened here.

“Tsk tsk tsk…” I said as I walked up to the stallion that I hit in the leg. He managed to stand up and was trying to limp away from me. “The party hasn’t even started and you’re already trying to leave?”

I grabbed his tail and tugged. He fell down and curled up away from me. “I know you aren’t going to tell me who hired you. But you know, I also don’t care. I’m pretty sure your friend that just ran away is going to be delivering a very important message. And since you won’t tell me what I need to know and I already have a messenger, why do you think I should leave you alive?”

“I-I have a family!”

“And so do I. Didn’t think about that before taking this job, did you? Tell you what: I’ll spare you. I’ll even do one better. I’ll get you an audience with Princess Celestia herself.”

His eyes widened in horror before my fist crashed against his face once, twice, and then three times. I stood and shook my head before looking to the griffin.

He was trying to stand to continue fighting, but he wasn’t doing a very good job. I figured he would bleed out shortly. I whistled a happy tune as I went to find the nearest guard.

A few minutes later, I was standing in front of an unconscious stallion and a half dead griffin in Celestia’s throne room. She was giving me a look akin to ‘I can’t believe I have to deal with this shit.’

She looked up from the hastily sketched guard report and said, “So you’re saying these two attacked you.”

“There were four. One is dead. I let one go. The one I killed said that they were hired by an important pony to teach me a lesson.”

“Why did you let one go?”

“Because he’ll spread the word that I am not to be fucked with under any circumstances. And that if anyone does fuck with me and I give them the chance to run, I won’t stab them in the back.”

She looked ready to retort when the door banged open and Shining Armor ran in. “I got here as fast as I could. What’s the problem?”

Celestia waved a hoof at us. “Navarone was assaulted by these two and two others. I want the one that hired them found. And I want the one that he let go found. If possible, find the name of the one he killed and any family that he has and send them a note saying that he was killed. You know what to do.”

“Of course, princess.” He nodded a pair of guards that I didn’t see walk in to the bodies. They grabbed them and carried them out.

“You know,” I said, “I did promise that stallion a meeting with the princess. Do me a favor and see him before you have him executed or whatever.”

“I will see him, Nav,” she assured me. “Who struck first?”

“Me. No one ambushes you in an inescapable alley and says they’re going to teach you a lesson only to pull out a book on anatomy.”

“I know, Nav. I just need to do a simple look through your memories to make sure.”

“You know I trust you more than anyone else, Celestia. Feel free.”

She nodded and stepped down from her dais. She walked up to me, stuck her horn down, and did a quick read through my memories. She pulled away with a nod. “You may leave, Shining Armor.”

He saluted and turned. Before he could leave, I said, “Yo Shiny, how’s Cadance and the kid?”

He turned to me with a surprised look. “They are well, Nav. I’m surprised to hear you expressing any interest. Cadance does want to talk with you soon, but now is a bad time.”

“I may be a terrible person, but I’m not a dick. Maybe I’ll see you two around the next time I’m in town. And don’t worry: The stones are well hidden now.” He gave me a grateful smile before marching off. The door closed behind him and it was just me and Celestia in the room. I turned and said, “So what now?”

“I go back to my job. Shining Armor finds the pony that ordered the attack. You go get your sheath and axe and go home.”

“Cool. I don’t suppose I could get a chariot? I don’t think there’s a train running to Ponyville again today.”

She nodded. “That can be done. I’ll send word down to the chariot pool. They’ll ferry you home when you get there. Before you go, though, how do you feel about being attacked like this?”

I shrugged. “It happens. I wasn’t really expecting any kind of physical retaliation for what happened with Blueblood, but such is life. I figured they would have done a bit more research, though. Hey, you wanna place odds on me running into another group of them if I go take a walk through the city?”

She put a hoof up to her face in thought. “Hm… Fifty bits says you don’t.”

“I got money to spare. As easy as those four thugs were to take down, I figure I could bring down a few more. If you want me to go try, I will.”

“Nav, hired thugs do not exist in Canterlot. Those four were personal guards. Well, the three ponies were. The griffon might have been a mercenary. Tracking their employer will be easy. I would not be surprised if he was already running from Canterlot with as many bits as he could hastily scramble.”

“Cool. Do I get some kind of reward or something?”

“No. You are lucky I’m not throwing you in prison for murder. Say it however you want, you struck first. If I followed the law, you would be in prison. However, I know the truth of the matter and I know the context of the crime.”

“Good to have the pony princess on your side, I guess. I suppose I ought to get out of your hair, then. Gotta get my stuff and I gotta get back to Ponyville. It was nice seeing you yet again, Celestia.”

“Same to you, though I wish it had been under better circumstances.” I left the throne room and went back to the armory. My stuff wasn’t ready yet, but I didn’t really feel like going back into the city anymore. I just waited until it was done, grabbed everything, and left.

The chariot ride was nice and quick. I thanked the guards and went straight to the library. “What did the princess want?” Twilight asked.

“To give me some stuff and to ask some questions. You know, the usual. You know where Pinkie is?”

“I think she’s at the bakery. Why?”

“Got a question for her.” I went upstairs and set my weapons and bag down. I could do laundry and all that later. I took the invites I got and grabbed Taya and left for the bakery.

“So why do I have to go?” Taya asked. I assume she meant to the bakery.

“You don’t. I asked if you wanted to and you said yes. Don’t try and blame me for this.”

She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “I never asked for this.” I didn’t call her on it, because she most definitely did ask to stay under my care.

Anyway, we made it to the shop with no issues. I got Taya some sweet stuff and let her go at it while I went upstairs to talk to Pinkie.

I knocked on her door and waited a minute before shrugging and turning. As soon as I turned around, I saw her staring at me with some freaky googly eyes. I jumped back in surprise and she giggled. “What do you need, Nav?” she asked as she let herself into her room.

I followed her just inside and said, “Remember last year during the week before the wedding when I asked if you wanted to go to the next European party thing?”

“Yup! I most definitely remember that.” She seemed a bit down at that.

I pulled my invitations out. “You still interested in going?”

Her head shot toward me. “REALLY?”

“Yeah. These invites I got say I can bring a friend. If you’re interested—” That’s as far as I got before being hugged so hard it knocked all the breath out of me. I slammed against the wall, which as you can imagine didn’t feel all that good against my wings. When I managed to catch my breath, I said, “Can you let me go now?”

Thankfully, she did. She pulled away from me, beaming. “This is so great! The best party in the world! Oooh, and me being there will make it so much better!”

I put a finger against her lips before she could say anything else. “Pinkie, this is a party closer to the Gala, for the most part. There are themes each day, but the crowd is mostly genteel. If you want to go, I need you to promise me that you’ll behave. I need the sane Pinkie, not the normal Pinkie.”

She took a deep breath. And I mean a ridiculously deep breath. Like, I think I felt the air in the room grow thinner. When she finally stopped, she held it in for a few seconds and then just exploded in a flurry of motion, flying across the room.

“We don’t leave until next month!” At that, she froze in the middle of doing… something.

“What?” Her voice was super high pitched.

“The party is in March. We’re leaving then. You have plenty of time to prepare or do… whatever you’re doing.”

She dropped to the floor, taking in deep breaths. I walked over to her, kicked off my shoe, used my foot to roll her over onto her back, and rubbed her tummy with my foot. That helps calm her down. Soon enough, her tongue was lolled out and she was practically melting into the floor.

When I pulled my foot away, she sighed. “You know just how to treat a mare…”

“Yeah, I do. It’s a shame Luna didn’t realize that.” I stomped my foot into my shoe. “I’ll see you around, Pinkie.”

“If you ever need to talk, you know Aunty Pinkie is here for you.”

“I know. So are a lot of others. Oh, and you’ll probably need some manner of dress or something. I’m sure Rarity can help you with that.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

I waved as I slid out her door. I was humming, forming a plot in my head as I got downstairs. Taya was poking at the last cupcake on her plate with a concerned expression. It was probably one of those that was way too sweet.

“You ready?” I asked her.

She looked up. “How is anypony supposed to eat this?”

“Practice. Took me a while to be able to stand them. Even then, I can only have so many.” I grabbed the cupcake. “See you, Mrs. Cake.” She waved as Taya and I left. I gave the cupcake to the first little kid we passed and we made it back to the library with no incident.

“You find Pinkie okay?” Twilight asked.

“Yep. She agreed, too. What do you know about the war games held every year?”

“Agreed to what?”

“To go to the Europe party.”

“You invited her?”

“Well, yeah. I know how much she likes parties and this is one hell of a party. I figured the only other one of you that would be interested would be Rarity.”

She hmphed and turned away. “And you didn’t think to ask me?”

“Why would you want to go? The dragons wouldn’t talk to you. I talked to Pinkie about it before the whole wedding thing last year and she seemed really interested. I haven’t been doing much with her recently, so I figured it would be nice to take her. I mean, if you really want to go, Celestia can probably give you an invite or something.”

Taya’s turn to chime in. “Can I go?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. “Probably not. You really, really wouldn’t enjoy it. It’s a pretty massive social event. I just made a few friends last year that I wouldn’t mind seeing again.” Like Kumani. “This year it’s supposed to be an entire festival, so yeah.”

“Even if the dragons wouldn’t speak to me, I still wouldn’t mind going! It seems all you ever do these days is avoid the library. And you never want to spend time with anypony. Is it so bad that I want to spend time with you?”

“There are plenty of other places to spend time with me,” I answered. “I’m only bringing Pinkie because this is a big fucking party and she likes parties. And besides, someone needs to watch Taya. Do you want to leave her with someone like Rarity?”

“I can take care of myself!”

“I’m a dad and it’s my job to worry,” I said. “So chillax, Twilight. You wouldn’t have much fun there anyway. I know you hate the Gala, and this is that but on a larger scale.”

She sighed and nodded. “But I want to talk!” she said. “And we’re going to go do it right now.”

“...About what?” I asked as her magic grabbed me before I could put the ring on. She started dragging me upstairs.

“Alone, Taya,” she said as my daughter started following us.

“It’s alright,” I told her. “Twilight’s not gonna hurt me.” Taya sighed and stayed down at the bottom. When we got up to Twilight’s room, her door slammed shut. “Now, what are we talking about?” I asked.

“Luna,” she answered. “You broke up with her, then she started making everypony dream like that about you. What happened between you two, Nav?” I opened my mouth, but she pre-empted me and said, “And don’t even think about blowing me off. It’s obvious that you’re moody and you need somepony to talk to.”

Bitch please.

“She’s right, Nav,” Flo said. “Just tell her.”

Ugh. “It’s painful to talk about,” I said. “It involved her attempting to link minds with me and not realizing that doing so created her idealized version of me while putting my mind into it. So I was watching and feeling everything her mental image of me was doing.”

“How did she not realize that she would have complete control with a nonunicorn? That’s heavily documented and every book on love magic suggests highly against it!”

“Don’t know, don’t care. Doesn’t matter, really. She literally tortured me and thought that was perfectly okay. You don’t even know the fucking roller coaster Luna and Celestia put me through. All the love games with me… It’s a wonder I walked away from that even capable of a relationship.” Old Greg would be proud.

“That’s… horrifying! Does Princess Celestia know?”

“Supposedly. She was very supportive in helping me get away from Luna. Not that it matters all too much. Luna’s a psycho, so I’m done with her. I’m still her knight, but fuck being in a relationship with her.”

“It does matter! If Princess Luna is… mentally unstable, she needs help. And she doesn’t need to be in a position of power!”

“Bring it up with Celestia, not me,” I said, holding up my hands placatingly. “I don’t want anything to do with that.”

“But you’re the victim!”

“Punishing her won’t undo what was done to me.”

“It could prevent it from happening to somepony else.”

“Somebody else is not me, Twilight. Call it selfish, call it evil. I’m not going to stick my neck out there for someone else. There are no winners when it comes to the little people caught in the clash of titans. Take it up with Celestia if you want, but leave me out of it.”

She just shook her head. “What happened to you, Nav?”

“Luna did. If she was willing to do what she did to me while she purportedly loved me, what do you think she’d be willing to do to someone that slighted her? I want no part in that at all, for any fucking reason.”

“...You’re afraid.”

“You would be, too.”

She slowly nodded. “Alright, Nav. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“I didn’t really want to talk about this, you know.”

“Then I suppose I have a letter to write…”

“Have fun with that,” I said, feeling her magic letting me go. I wandered on out, leaving behind the scratching of a quill on paper.

A lot can happen in a month. Not involving Luna, of course, but with a bunch of other things. With Flo’s help, I was able to transcribe a fuckton of books, earning more bits than I had any idea what to do with.

I also had Flo’s help reminding me the formulas for a lot of interesting human weapons. Smoke bombs, pepper spray bombs, incredibly powerful stink bombs, and flash bang grenades. Oh, none of them were as powerful as could be made back on earth, but for having very limited materials and having a Twilight glaring over my shoulder the whole time, I think I did a good job.

When the chariot for Pinkie and I finally arrived, I was busy with very important knight duties that totally didn’t involve watching Lyra get railed by some stallion in the middle of the woods. Thankfully, I was able to clear my schedule and get ready to go before the chariot drivers got antsy.

I wasn’t able to get ready in time to stop Pinkie from getting that way, though.

“Come on, Nav! We’ll never make it in time if you don’t hurry up!”

“Pinkie, we are literally going to get to Germany in the blink of an eye. And the party can’t even start without Celestia starting it and she’s going with us.” Or rather, we’re going with her. “So us making it in time is pretty much assured. Take a chill pill.”

She ran to the freezer, pulled out an ice cube, and ate it. She was quickly back in my face. “I don’t feel any better! And you aren’t moving any faster!”

“You helping me would make me move faster than you yelling at me.”

Shit, all I was bringing was my armor, the axe, the sword, my crossbow, some bolts, my knives, some of the human weapons I made, and some clothes. It sounds like a lot more than it is, given that I could carry all of that on my person. I was wearing the armor, the weapons were hanging off my body, and the clothes were in a bag between my wings.

“How can you even walk in that?” Spike asked, looking me up and down.

“Practice and a lot more strength than you’d think I would have,” I answered. I’ll admit, it was heavy. The axe and the armor were lightened with magic, but nothing else was. I was unbalanced and could probably topple easily if I wasn’t careful.

Thankfully, Pinkie promised to be on her best behavior and not go around pushing me or whatnot. She apparently got as much of the franticness out of her system as possible. What she did when I gave her the invitation was her attempting to do that all at once. Pinkie was still Pinkie, but she was less Pinkie—and pink—than usual. She actually seemed a bit darker, and she managed to get her hair flattened somehow.

We finally got to the chariot to find that she had a single bag stowed on it. I assumed it was some manner of dress or something. We waved bye to everyone as the chariot rose into the air. “You know,” I said, “you really do look better with your hair like that. At least, in my opinion.” Her entire coat seemed to grow a little brighter pink at that. I poked her side. “What’s up with that? How did you grow brighter?”

She giggled. “I guess that’s just one of life’s mysteries!”

“Eh, whatever. If Twilight gave up on trying to figure you out, it’s not worth it.”

“Oh, so you’re saying I’m not worth figuring out?” Pinkie countered.

“I don’t remember saying that, no. I mean, if you want to be womanly about it and try to turn everything I say into an insult, you are welcome to. Oh and by the way, we’re probably going to get put into the same room and I’m hoping to get laid a few times this year, so you might need to wait outside for a little while.”

“Nah, I don’t mind watching. Or helping.”

That is so fucking creepy. Flo muttered an agreement. “Pinkie, can you stop watching me do things like that? Or watching me sleep? Or stalking me?”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Well, at least she was nice about it. The rest of the trip was spent listening to her talk about all the things she had planned for the party. From the sound of things, she was set to have a right good time. I just wanted to talk to some of the people I met last year and maybe compete again, if Celestia would let me.

It somewhat disgusts me that I had to have Celestia’s permission to compete, but that just seems to be the vein of things around here. Maybe everyone will be over what I did last year.

At least it didn’t take us long to get to Canterlot. Chariot rides between the two places are usually pretty short. Pinkie and I went straight to the throne room, where we were told to meet with Celestia.

And there she was, standing next to a very irate looking Cadance and a bored looking Shining Armor. Cadance turned to glare at me when we entered. “How dare you break Luna’s heart?”

“That’s a long story that’s none of your business and not really important. If you’re saying that, then you don’t know the full story.”

She took a step forward, lowering her horn a bit. “I know just what’ll make you realize what you lost!”

“Time out!” I called, holding my hands in a T. She looked up, confused. I slipped my clothing bag off and removed most of my weapons and stepped away from the pile. “Alright, time in.”

Her horn lowered and shot a heart shaped thing dead at me. I jumped out of the way, but it tracked me. I managed to get behind Pinkie and it hit her instead. The heart split in half and the other half tried hitting me, but I was already en route to the door. I slammed it shut in front of the heart and continued running.

The door exploded open behind me and Cadance ran out, shooting more love at me. I vaulted over a stationary guard and one of the hearts hit him. I skidded around a corner—not advisable with metal boots—and dove around a female servant. The other heart hit her. I continued running.

“YOU GET BACK HERE!” I didn’t even consider going back there, but I could hear her chasing me. I continued running, narrowly missing guards, servants, and heart-shaped bubbles.

I finally got to one room that had a sign on it that said something about magic portal testing. A pony in a lab coat was trying to yell some kind of warning at me, but he got hit by a magic heart and chose to wrap his mouth around another pony’s lips instead. The door I entered led to a long hall with three doors on either side. I bolted for the first one on the right and closed the door behind me. I found myself in another hall with a door at the end. I kept running and opened the door at the end just as the door behind me opened. I found myself in a hall that looked just like the first one. I saw Cadance’s ass entering one of the doors at the end of the hall.

The door pulled shut behind her and I picked a door at random and entered it, finding myself in another hallway. I ran down it and opened the door just as I saw Cadance entering another one. I picked yet another door at random. While I was in the middle of the main hallway, I saw a door open and a pony with a shaggy red-head and a pot leaf for a cutie mark run out followed by a large dog and a fake looking monster. I just shook my head and ripped another door open and ran down yet another similar looking hall.

When I opened the door at the end of that hallway, I bumped into a very lost looking Derpy. “Oh, hey Nav! I was trying to get to my kitchen to get some milk.”

“Uh. I think you took a few wrong turns. How did you get here?”

She shrugged. “I am not a clever pony.”

Just then, Cadance and a pony that looked a lot like a less colorful Rainbow Dash burst out of a door. They slammed it shut behind them. Cadance saw me and grinned like a shark. Her horn lit up and a heart came out. I ducked behind Derpy and slammed the door when the first heart hit her.

I ran back down the hall and opened the door to find a hallway with Derpy and that Rainbow Dash-looking-mare making out. Wait… is that Daring Do?

My musings were cut short as I heard a door opening behind me. I rushed into the hall and slammed the door closed.

Flo said, “Nav, get out of this hall. It’ll just end in ruin.”

“Good idea.” I ran to the end of the hall where I entered and got out just as the door behind me opened. I slammed the door and ran down the hall, jumping over the pony couple of the scientist and a random servant. The door banged open behind me just as I turned a corner. I saw a heart flying at me from the edge of my vision. I sprinted down the corridor, seeing a group of foals surrounding a somewhat bored looking Luna. I recognized some kids from Ponyville.

I grabbed the first one I saw and held him up in front of the heart. It hit him and the half heart went searching for targets. “Nav, what are you—” Luna managed before the heart hit her. I set a figure that I now recognized as Pip down and continued running.

“HAVE FUN WITH THAT!” I shouted as I turned yet another sharp corner. I heard Cadance still behind me.

“YOU’RE GOING TO GET IT, NAVARONE!” Cadance screamed as she crossed the corner, catching up with me. I managed to get a few servants between me and her and I heard her spell hit some of them.

I got to what I recognized as the barracks with Cadance hot on my trail. A bunch of night guards were asleep and several day guards were sitting around, playing cards or whatnot.

“Tally ho, gents!” I called as I ran past the confused looking day guards. Some of them caught hearts and the chaos in that room began. I slipped through some of the beds and leapt over others to get some night guards to catch the love for me. They woke up right quick, then.

Right behind the barracks was the training courtyard. I brushed past groups of guards casting spells, sparring, doing exercises, and all kinds of other stuff. Half the sparring groups ended up hit by hearts and several of the unicorns did as well.

I think Cadance was starting to get frustrated. I managed to get across the courtyard unscathed and into another hall. I darted to one side and leaned against the wall. She burst into the hall and began running past until I caught her tail, pulled her to me, spun her around, lifted up her front legs, and began to dance a little jig.

“If you wanted to play, all you had to do was ask!” I laughed, spinning her in a pirouette. I dropped her while she was spinning and jumped out a window. The maze was just on the other side of that and I was hoping I could lose her in there.

No such luck. As soon as I got to the entrance, an enraged Cadance teleported in front of me. Her horn lit up incredibly bright and a massive heart shot at me and hit me dead on. She put on a wicked smile. “Tell me Nav, are you feeling the LOVE?”

I put on an innocent smile and pulled my gauntlet off, revealing my magic nullifying ring. “Why no, Cadance. I’m not. Why do you ask?”

Her mouth dropped. “B-b-but… But you… With… Why?”

I walked up to her and put my arm around her neck, turning and pointing through the window to the guard training courtyard. We could just barely see several guards on the ground, making out. “Now, wasn’t that fun? And just look at all the love you spread! All those servants, scientists, princesses, kids, and guards… My my, you’re going to be so popular!” I patted her neck warmly. “Now, I’m afraid I have a party to get to. We can play some more later.”

I let her go and began to walk away, but she jumped in front of me. “Oh no, you’re not going anywhere until you help me clean this mess up!”

I shrugged. “Fine, fine. Sooner started sooner finished.”

We began with the guards. Quite a few of them were very, very surprised to find what they were doing. Some of them weren’t so surprised. Some of them were quite happy about it. Of course, those that were happy about it were often paired with those that weren’t.

We then traced our steps all through the castle, releasing everyone we found. Luna and Pip were very, very amusing. When we pulled Pip away from Luna, he mentioned something about wanting to try getting gobbled again. Luna was blushing up a storm and sharing a glare between me and Cadance. I just merrily waved and we continued on our way. We freed Derpy and the chick that I thought was Daring Do. Before I could ask her, she jumped through a random door and we didn’t see her again. After giving Derpy directions, she awkwardly flew off.

When we finally got back to the throne room, we had freed over a hundred ponies from the tyrannical grasp of love. And when I opened the door to the throne room, I felt a massive blush cover my face.

Shining Armor looked much the same way. He was alternating between looking away and looking toward the spectacle. When he saw us walk in, he sagged in relief. “I promise, I don’t know where they got the whipped cream or the cherries! And I wasn’t watching, I swear!”

I tilted my head, watching them. “You don’t have to watch. You could just… listen.” I tilted my head the other way. “Hey Cadance, can we wait a few minutes? Is that… is that chocolate?”

There was silence from her end. I somehow managed to pull my gaze away and look at her. She was looking at the pair going at it on the dais in horror. I just shrugged and looked back.

When Cadance finally came to her senses, she cast the nullifying spell.

Pinkie pulled away from where she had been working and looked around. When she saw where she was—and the position she was in—she blinked. And then she looked up. “Oh, hey Princess!”

I don’t think anyone had ever heard Princess Celestia scream in horror before that day. It was hilarious and we were all quickly forbidden from ever speaking of what we saw. Luna was quickly summoned and Cadance and Luna were put in charge of fixing any problems that arose from what Cadance had done.

Chapter Fifty-Six—The Fabulous Flankfurt Festival

Chapter Fifty-Six—The Fabulous Flankfurt Festival

We were late for the party—Celestia had to take an emergency shower—but we finally got there. Shiny went with our group, for some reason. Celestia’s teleport got us right in front of a statue of some fellow called Charlemane. The party could finally start.

As Celestia began her speech, I looked around the square. I saw each group represented, but the minotaurs were still gone. I figured their ban was still in effect.

I saw Kumani smirking at my armored form, as well as the pink pony that was doing her best to hang off my arm.

And then I saw a form I dreaded. Kat was standing next to Jocasta and Miguel. She was wearing a predatory smile and I could see her claws baring and retracting a few times as she looked me up and down.

Although… Kat was fun, the last time I played with her. And there was no way she’d have the chance to do anything unwanted to me here.

An unwelcome thought occurred to me at that point. Pinkie had read my journals, so she knew who Kat was and what she did to me. Now, while Pinkie had no room to judge anyone for doing terrible things to me, she might not be very kind to Kat. And Celestia might not either. And I could already see Shining Armor glaring at her—of the three of them, he was the only one that knew what she looked like.

As soon as the speech ended and the party officially began, Shiny immediately pulled me aside. Pinkie invited herself. “Navarone, do not let yourself be alone with that cat,” he told me. “I know you saw her.”

“Shiny, I gave you the memories of what she did to me that I didn’t enjoy. I kept the memories of what I did enjoy. Besides, she wouldn’t dare do a thing here. Not with your guards and Pinkie watching me.”

“Who are we talking about?” Pinkie asked.

“Kat,” we both answered.

She gasped. “That meanie head? Oooh, I’ll show her what she gets for hurting my friends!”

“No, Pinkie,” I said. “That would create a pretty massive incident. Revenge is never acceptable, especially not when no one else knows the context. If you try to get back against her while you are here, you’re just going to get in trouble and no amount of friendship with me or the princess will help you. It isn’t worth it.”

“And I don’t condone revenge,” Shining added. “As much as I agree that she deserves it, if you broke the law and hurt her, I would have to arrest you.”

“Pinkie, you of all ponies know what it means to forgive and forget. You can both feel free to hate her all you want, but don’t confront her about it and don’t do anything against her. It’s in the past. Okay?” Shiny took a moment before stiffly nodding. Pinkie just sighed and let her head fall. “Alright. Now, I’m going to go find my room and then see some old friends. Pinkie, behave. Shiny, don’t have any extramarital affairs.” He opened his mouth to respond but I continued, “At least, not without inviting me. Don’t know about you two, but I plan to get laid.” I held my hand up for a fist bump, but Pinkie was already gone and Shiny was just face-hoofing and shaking his head sadly.

I shrugged and went to find the head servant. They’re usually relatively busy, but can pass you off to the right person. And most are usually willing to help me. While I was walking, I noted the layout of the party and the city. There was an area of the city dedicated to each major race: Ponies, dragons, dogs, griffons, and naga. The cats apparently didn’t have enough of a presence to warrant a section. There were various areas set off specifically for the party, each area having a theme of some sort. I didn’t know what all they were, though; I was planning on doing a flyover when I got the chance, to see what all was available.

I noticed—much to my disgust—that many ponies were doing double-takes when they saw me. Several started blushing when they realized they remembered me from their dreams. I found myself grinding my teeth at the awkward silences I left in my wake.

I had a hard time finding the guy I was looking for. When I did, he merrily pawned me off to a passing servant and went back to directing the biggest party in the world. Note to self: Introduce Pinkie to that guy.

The servant that was leading me was talking. “Normally we put guests such as you in with the group that invited them. However, you were given several invitations. When we learned that your date was a pony, the choice seemed clear. But then when we learned that the two of you weren’t romantically involved, that sort of cut our plans to pieces. Then we learned that you don’t sleep and we figured you wouldn’t need a bed anyway. And then we learned that just because you don’t sleep doesn’t mean you don’t use a bed. My my, the rumors we hear…” She cast a sly look back at me before continuing, “So we decided to just give you a nice, full sized apartment.” One that we were finally at, it appeared. She opened the door with a key and led the way inside.

I looked around. There was an empty fireplace against one wall, several bookcases adorned with a mix of books and knick knacks, pictures of random things on the walls, a few couches and chairs, and two doors leading away. On a table in front of one of the couches were a few letters.

“What are the letters for?” I asked, walking over to them and setting my bag down.

I picked a letter up as she explained, “The party last year was simpler than usual because the princess wasn’t able to give her full attention to it. Yes, the party was wonderful, but normally there are other events and more room. What you have there are invitations to events and to speak with various dignitaries.” Her voice took on a note of pride. “We’re happy to have two kings, one clutch leader, the princess, and one boss here this year.”

“Two kings? And a boss?”

“The griffin king and the cat king are here this year. And a high ranked dog boss is here as well.”

“Dog… boss?”

“The dogs aren’t arranged the same way most groups are. They are ranked in what many ponies would see as a corporation. I admit to not knowing all their ranks, but I know the CEO is on top. He lives way to the east, and couldn’t make it. One of the bosses from Barkelona came in his stead. We also have several naga clan leaders, as they are not entirely unified.”

I held up the letter I grabbed. “And these are invitations to meet them?”

“Some are, yes. Some are also to inform you of events or to invite you to more privileged areas. If you get any more letters, they will be delivered here and left on the table for you.”

“One more question: If I leave my stuff here, will I be assured of its safety?”

“Of course! We do not tolerate thieves. Especially for a guest such as yourself. There are many that remember your actions last year. You will come to no harm here.”

“Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.” I tossed her a bag of bits. I had no idea how many were in it. I dropped the letter down on the table and went to check out the rooms. I heard her giggling uncontrollably as she left. One room looked like a kitchen area, and was decked out with all kinds of kitchen area things. The other was obviously a bedroom, with two large beds. “Figured they’d give us separate rooms, at least,” I muttered as I started removing weapons and armor.

“Taking your armor off might not be the best idea,” Flo faintly called. She was really hard to hear, but she was definitely still there.

“You heard the mare. I’ll be fine.” I left my crossbow and its bolts in the room. The axe stayed on my back and the sword moved to my hip, where the bolts normally go.

I went to the front room and started opening letters. I got an invitation to meet Pyrite, the head of the dragons or something like that. I also got invited to meet the dog boss, who apparently wanted to discuss a job opportunity with me. I also got letters from the griffin king, the cat king, Celestia, and some naga, each inviting me to random events, many of which weren’t today. Hell, even the changeling delegation sent a short note, expressing some manner of gratitude or something, but didn’t ask to meet me.

I took another look at all the letters. The dragon leader wanted to meet me as soon as possible, apparently. The dog boss wanted to meet up the next day. All the other letters were later on.

“Busy schedule,” I said with a grin. I took the dragon invitation and walked out, locking the door behind me with a key I found in the bedroom. I had a spare for Pinkie.

Unsurprisingly, finding Pinkie was not hard. What was surprising were her companions: Kumani and a group of other dragons. I recognized two of them from the tournament.

I walked up just to hear the tail end of a joke from Pinkie. Something about oatmeal. Most of the dragons actually laughed. When the laughter died down but before the awkward silence could begin, I spoke up, “Hello again, my draconic friends. And Pinkie.” I looked to Kumani. “I got an invite from a clutch leader named Pyrite. Do you know where I can find him?”

Her eyes widened. “Pyrite…” she whispered, before looking to the other dragons. They looked down or away, not wanting to meet her gaze. She turned back to me. “What does he want?”

“Just to see me,” I answered with a shrug. She looked away, biting her lower lip. While she was thinking, I turned to Pinkie. “Found our room. Here’s your key. Room number’s on it. Lock the door whenever you leave. And check the table for any letters for you, if you get them. Oh, and do you want to meet the dragon leader guy?”

“Sounds fun to me!”

Kumani coughed. “It’s not fun at all, Nav! What could he possibly…” She looked around at her dragon friends before yanking me away from the group and leaning in to whisper, “Did you tell anyone about us?”

“Nah, I didn’t,” I quietly answered. Well, I did tell a few people that I fucked a dragon, but I didn’t give any names. “He isn’t going to try to murder me, is he?”

“No. Just… don’t tell him about what we did. I’ll get one of the others to lead you to him. Take your pink friend, but make sure she behaves.”

“Any protocols I need to know about?”

“Telling you would tip him off that you have a dragon looking out for you. Just go and be yourself. You seem to be good at figuring things out on the go.”

“That I am. Don’t worry, I won’t sell you out. Now, we’ve been whispering too long.” She nodded and we returned to the group. Pinkie was trying to build the mood back up with another joke.

It seemed to be working until Kumani ruined it. “Bruce, take these two to meet the clutch leader. The letter said as soon as possible, so don’t stop.”

The indicated dragon sighed and muttered something before gesturing me and Pinkie to follow him. I noticed at that point that Pinkie’s normal mode of transportation—which was bouncing—wasn’t present. She was walking like a normal person. Or a normal pony, at least. I didn’t comment for fear that she might notice and change back.

“So are there any kind of rules for meeting the dragon leader?” I asked Bruce.

“Yes. Many, many rules. They can all be summed up in one phrase: Be respectful. Pyrite is older than both of your princesses combined. Do not test his patience.”

“He’s not mean, is he?” I asked.

Bruce barked out a laugh. “I wouldn’t answer that question if my life depended on it. He’s… eccentric.”

I shared a look with Pinkie. She said, “That’s not always a bad thing.”

“You’re correct,” he answered. “But it’s rarely a good thing. Maybe you’ll catch him in a good mood.”

“What are his bad moods like?” I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“I don’t know. I leave the general area when he starts getting that way.”

Pinkie gulped. “How far is the general area?”

Bruce looked back at her. “Let me put it this way: I normally live here. The last time he was in a bad mood, I decided to take a vacation to the great dragon migration.” He grinned a pointy grin at me. “And I remember you, human. My nose still twinges from when you shot me.”

My eyes widened. “I remember you! You were one of those fuckers that tried to eat me!”

“Now, now, it was nothing personal. I was hungry, you looked tasty, and there was a better than even chance you weren’t going to make it anyway. I figured, you know, why not me?”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better…”

“Hey, you obviously survived! Somehow. You made a real fool of the mainland Equestrian dragons, I tell you that. And you even got a little trinket out of it. I couldn’t tell what it was you stole from where I was, but I know some of them were in an uproar about it.”

“It was a blood diamond, or something like that.”

His head whipped around and it looked like he was salivating slightly. “Do you still have it?” he asked in an excited voice.

“No, I had no use for it. I gave it to a friend of mine. She deals in rare gems and the like. I have no idea what she did with it.”

He sighed and turned back. “Figures,” he muttered.

To me, it didn’t seem like he had any right to be sullen. I mean, he tried to fucking eat me! Maybe that kind of thing is commonplace with dragons. I know the only one that I didn’t mind trying to eat me was Kumani. I even got revenge for it.

We were nearing the edge of the city now. When we got around the last building before the edge, I came face to everything with what I assumed was Pyrite.

“Holy…” I whispered, trying to take the entire golden dragon in.

Even Pinkie seemed stunned into silence. This dragon looked like it could take up a good fourth of Celestia’s personal palace. Reginald was about half this guy’s size. Let’s see… If Celestia is six thousand and Luna was somewhere around that, this guy’s probably over twelve thousand years old. That’s just insane.

Bruce pointed to him. “There he is. Good luck.”

“What, no tips on how to deal with him?” I asked.

“If he gets angry, don’t run away. You’ll just die tired.”

With that, he lifted his wings and shot into the air.

“Welp, that’s comforting. Shall we, Pinkie?”

“I always like meeting new friends!” She merrily began trotting off to the king.

I grabbed her tail. “Not so fast, Pinkie. Don’t want to make him think we’re attacking or nervously running.” She sighed and slowed her speed to match mine. “Now, if he gets angry, you need to do your scary magic teleporting thing and get us both out.”

“I dunno, Nav. What do I get in return?”

“The knowledge that you saved my life?”

“Hm… How about something else?”

Lord have mercy… “What did you have in mind?”

“If I save you, I get a date!” Ugh, what?

“If you save me because he got pissed off from something I did rather than something you did—and if I would consider it you saving me—then yes. I will give you a date.” I think I saw some dates on one of the food tables.

“And no cheating! It better be a really nice practice romantic date between me and you, not a fruit. And no pawning me off to anypony else!”

Dammit. Wait, practice? “What kind of person do you think I am, Pinkie? I would never trick you like that.” She hmphed. “Alright, serious face time.” As she serious’d up, I turned back to Pyrite. We were much closer now, and I could tell that there wasn’t much of a line around him and there didn’t seem to be many dragons there either.

“Uh, Nav? Are you sure the invitation you got said to be here now?” Pinkie asked.

“It said as soon as possible. Given that I just got it, I believe this constitutes as soon as possible.”

He seemed to finally notice our presence walking up to him. He began to lower himself from his standing position, so he could lay more or less even with us. Of course, his head was about as big as an elephant, so that didn’t really make me feel any better.

When we got to within what I was hoping was a safe distance, I called out, “Greetings, lord dragon. I was given an invitation to meet clutch leader Pyrite.”

“You are Navarone,” the dragon rumbled. It sounded more like an accusation than anything else. His eyes flicked to Pinkie. “And you are pink.”

She nodded. “My name is Pinkie Pie and I want to be your best friend!”

He slowly extended a single claw towards us. When it got within twenty feet, we heard a terrifying sching noise and a sharper claw extended right in front of us. “Charmed,” Pyrite rumbled.

Pinkie held out a hoof and poked him before attempting to shake her leg up and down. After a moment, I shrugged and did the same. When he felt my hand pull away—though how he felt anything was beyond me—he pulled away. His eyes were staring at me. “Navarone, you have been accused of two injustices against dragon kind. The first was acting as an accomplice to a kidnapping of a dragon hatchling during the Equestrian mainland dragon migration. The second was seducing and mating with a dragon. How do you plead?”

I just can’t catch a break. “Not guilty to both.”

He nodded. “Very well. At the migration, you were seen bringing a purple and green dragon hatchling to the main nest. There were two witnesses that state that you both mentioned that the dragon had been born in the custody of and raised by ponies. You left the dragon hatchling in the custody of a dragon adult while some facts of life were explained to him. You were taken aside and it was explained to you why the dragon was rightfully ours. When you returned to the nest, there were two ponies holding the dragon hostage, both unicorns. You, a neutral beast, stepped forward to act as a mediator. You essentially told the ponies to teleport away, letting them escape with the dragon hatchling. You then fled, injuring a few dragons on your way out. How do you answer?”

“Still not guilty. I brought the dragon, whose name was Spike, at his request. He did not intend to remain with the dragons. Yes, he was born with and raised by ponies, but they did have the egg. It could have been abandoned just as easily as it could have been stolen. I was taken aside, but most of the talking was about me, not about Spike. I don’t think he was really mentioned. I did attempt to act as a mediator, but I did not tell the unicorns to flee. I reminded her that she could teleport, and asked why she hadn’t done so yet. In response, she teleported. When she fled, I figured my job was done in the nest and that I would leave. My progress was impeded as the dragons began to pursue me. I was wrongfully attacked and defended myself accordingly. I did my best to avoid harm to as many dragons as possible while trying above all to escape. I am not guilty.”

“So you say, mortal. I have several witnesses that testify against you. Where are your witnesses?”

“The only witnesses I have are across the ocean.” I crossed my arms. “But it looks to me like you are about in the same boat as I. You mention having witnesses, yet you stand before me alone. I have only your word to trust that you tell the truth, and I’ve no knowledge as to the veracity of your word. You have only my word to trust, and I’m sure you’ve heard as little of me as I have of you.”

He snorted and a jet of flame shot at both of us, barely five feet away. We both jumped. “I will not be called a liar.” His gaze flicked to Pinkie. “You. You who claim to desire to be my best friend. Can you shine any light on this? Are Navarone’s claims true?”

“Yep! Three of my closest friends were there and saw the whole thing!”

I heard a deep, dark rumbling. It took me a moment to realize Pyrite was growling. I saw smoke coming from his nostrils. “I believe your guilt, but I cannot prove it. Your punishment for this crime eludes you. Your second crime is seducing a dragon. At the party last year, you seduced a female dragon and took her into your bed. I have witnesses, many of which are at this party. How do you plead?”

“Not guilty. I didn’t seduce her, she seduced me. I did not initiate anything.”

He moved his head much closer to us. “Consider this,” he said, his voice a dull roar. “If you are found guilty of this crime, your punishment will be light. If the dragon is found guilty of seducing you, she will be put to death. Now, would you like to change your statement?”

I gulped. “On second thought, I’m guilty as hell. And I must say, dragons are lucky fuckers; your females are awesome in bed.”

“Yes, dragons make better lovers than most races. The normal punishment for this crime is forced marriage between the two guilty parties. If the dragon feels their own race cannot satisfy their base desires, they are to be cut off from their race.” I felt my heart slump at that. “However, given the nature of your other crime—and the fact that you succeeded in surviving—I have a different idea in mind. Navarone, how would you like to be inducted into the dragon horde?”

I blinked. I looked down to Pinkie to see her looking up at me in disbelief. I turned back to the dragon. “Not interested, thank you. I already have enough work with being an Equestrian knight.”

He huffed and I could feel steaming hot air shooting around me. “You must be punished.” His eyes flicked to Pinkie. “You. What does he hate? What does he fear?”

Aww shit… “Commitment! And he’s terrified of being in any kind of relationship that isn’t purely physical. He’s totally afraid of trusting anypony.” She reached down and pulled a list out from somewhere. “Here, I have an entire list!”

I snatched it from her and wadded it up. “Do not listen to this vile pink temptress. She speaks nothing but lies.”

His gaze slipped to me for a moment before returning to her. “What would you suggest I do to punish him?”

Pinkie turned to me with a sly grin.

“Please…” I whispered.

“You know my price,” she whispered back. “A date or marriage.”

“Pinkie, you’re my friend. Don’t do this to me.”

Flo giggled. “She’s bluffing, Nav.” She waited a second. “Probably.”

Probably’s good enough for me.

Pinkie turned back to the dragon and walked up next to what I assumed was his ear. She whispered something into it. A moment later she trotted back to stand next to me, a very pleased grin on her face. “Last chance, Nav,” she whispered.

“I’ll take my chances.”

The dragon spoke up. “Navarone, your friend has requested control of your punishment. Is this acceptable to you?”

“Do I have any other options?”

“Marry the dragon that you seduced, join the dragon horde, or take whatever punishment she has for you.”

Kumani would probably straight up kill me if I told her that she had to marry me. And I don’t really want to get married anyway, especially not to a dragon that will grow and grow. If I joined the dragon horde, this guy could probably send me orders that I would have to follow, and any of his orders might conflict with any I got from Celestia or Luna. Pinkie’s a friend. She wouldn’t do anything too terrible to me.

I shrugged. “I submit to Pinkie’s punishment. I know my friend wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t like.” I whispered so only Pinkie could hear, “Not after the last time, she wouldn’t.” She actually flinched at that.

“So be it,” Pyrite said. “Pinkie, you may do as you please. If he refuses, turn him in to us. Now leave me, the both of you.”

We wasted no time getting out of there. Pyrite seemed nice, but I didn’t want to risk staying too long and pissing him off. When we were far enough away that I was hoping we were out of earshot, I said, “So what kind of horrid task am I going to be given?”

She giggled. “Do you remember your gender stones?”

“Yeah.” I left them in a very secure location. But I suppose it wasn’t Pinkie-proof.

“I happened to have borrowed them before we left. Your punishment is that I get to randomly use them on you during this trip.”

That’s gonna be really, really awkward. “I can agree to that with one condition: I have to be male during the tournament, if I compete. If I suddenly sprout boobs in that armor, it could seriously injure me.”

“That’s fair. Do you think the princess will actually let you compete?”

“I somewhat hope so, if the hints she gave me about the setting are true. Now, do you want me to show you to our room before we head back to the party proper?”

“Getting lost is fun, though! You get to meet all kinds of new ponies and have adventures and find great new food.”

“Until you find yourself in the wrong place. Come on, it’ll give you a chance to look through the invites we got. Maybe something will interest you.”

I led her to our room, which was unfortunately all the way across town. Pinkie got distracted multiple times by various things. A magic show, a free balloon thing, a picture booth, a food table, and a civilized discussion about immigration rights. She proved to be remarkably knowledgeable about that topic, and was able to sway most of the talkers to her viewpoint. I don’t know how, but it was amusing.

When we finally got to our room, we found a nervous Kumani pacing in front of the door. When she looked up and saw us, I saw her worry melt away a bit. “He doesn’t know, does he?” she asked.

“He knows that I slept with a dragon, but he doesn’t know who. I took the blame for it and he tried to make me join the dragon horde. I turned him down.”

Her mouth dropped when I mentioned what he tried to do. “That’s impossible! Even Pyrite wouldn’t go so far against tradition!”

I shrugged. “That’s just what happened. He said normally I would be forced to marry the dragon I ‘seduced,’ but that he would give me an alternative choice. In the end, my choices were marriage, joining the horde, or letting Pinkie punish me. I chose Pinkie,” I finished, poking Pinkie on the side.

Kumani’s face went pale at the mention of marriage, but she sighed when she realized I didn’t pick that. “Whatever punishment you have, I deserve,” she said, and turned to Pinkie. “Whatever you had planned for him, I will take.”

“No! This punishment can’t really be transferred,” I said. “The stones are painful the first time you use them, but they will be very noticeable for one such as yourself.”

Kumani, of course, had no idea what we were talking about. Pinkie put on a sly grin. “I dunno, Kumani. I might not let you take it all on your shoulders, but you could… share it.”

I had a bad feeling that I knew where this was going. “Pinkie, don’t you dare!”

“I don’t know what Navarone is talking about,” Kumani said. “His talk of stones is confusing. I know that I am at fault here, and so the punishment should be mine. But if it can’t be given, it can at least be shared.”

Pinkie opened her mouth, but I beat her to the punch. “Alright, here’s how it is: I have a pair of stones that cause the user to change gender instantly. Pinkie’s punishment is that she gets to randomly use them on me this week. Now, you don’t know Pinkie, so trust me when I say that no matter where you go to hide, she will find you. If you agree to it, you will be turned into a male dragon at some point during the week, and it might not be a very good time.”

For some reason, Kumani looked really excited about that. “Done! I’ll take that punishment!”

I just shook my head as I walked to the door. I opened it and walked in, looking around.

Flo whispered, “Something’s wrong. There’s someone here.”

I stopped and pulled my sword out. Pinkie and Kumani were following me in.

“What’s wrong, Nav?” Pinkie asked.

“We aren’t alone,” I whispered. “Pinkie, step back outside. Kumani, watch my back.” I crept to the kitchen, my sword at the ready. I poked my head in and saw that it was empty. I backed out of it and walked to the bedroom. I pushed the door open with the blade of my sword and stepped inside.

Kat was lying on a bed. I sighed and put my sword away. “I was wondering when you would get back,” she said. “I’ve been waiting.”

I looked around my room. I knew she had poked through all the bags I left, but I don’t know if she took anything. “Why are you here, Kat?” I asked.

“Oh, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

I turned and saw Kumani and Pinkie both trying to look around me. I turned back to Kat and crossed my arms. “No, I’m not. Now what have you taken?”

She looked hurt. “Can’t a friend just check in on another? Why must you assume I’ve taken something?”

“Because I know you. Yes, you like making flashy entrances, but you wouldn’t break into my room just to chat. Especially not when you know you could find me and talk to me in the middle of the party, increasing your own image. So I’ll ask again before I get violent: What did you take?”

“You? Getting violent with me? I think we both know how well that would end for you. If you introduce me to your friends, I might give back what I took.”

“Kumani, Pinkie, hold her down. Be careful of her claws.”

“Silly cat claws can’t scratch through dragon scales,” Kumani said with a grin, pushing past me into my room.

“After what she did to you, I’ll ‘hold her down’ good!” Pinkie forced through gritted teeth.

“So violent!” Kat said as she jumped to her feet. I stepped in and closed the door behind me, locking it. Sure, she could still get out, but it wouldn’t be easy.

“Last chance, Kat,” I said.

She answered by lunging at Pinkie, claws bared. Kumani caught her in the chest with one claw and slung her at the wall. Kat bounced and hit the floor, not moving.

Pinkie took a step towards her. “Stop!” I called. “She’s faking. Kumani, would you kindly?”

Kumani walked over to Kat as she picked herself off the floor, sighing. “You know me too well, Nav.” She held her arms out and Kumani grabbed them in one talon and picked Kat up. She then wrapped her other talon around her legs, making sure she couldn’t move at all.

“Thank you,” I said, walking up to Kat. I began rifling through pockets. I pulled out the envelope from the dogs, the envelope from Celestia, some of my human weapons, what looked like plans for the crossbow based on studying it, and a set of lockpicks. “Naughty, naughty. I would have noticed these missing, as I’ve already opened them. Looks like you were trying to keep me from meeting the dogs and trying to sneak into a meeting with Celestia.”

“The dogs are planning to kill you!” Kat said. Pinkie gasped.

I shrugged. “I’m not surprised. They probably heard what happened with the changelings. Kumani, you interested in playing bodyguard tomorrow? If you’re there, the dogs won’t touch me.”

Kumani shook her head. “I can’t. I’ve already spent too much time with you. Even entering your room was too much risk.”

Kat grinned. “I have as much of a desire to keep Nav alive as he does. If you don’t go with him, there won’t be any ‘maybes’ about it. News will get out about what you two did.”

Kumani and I shared a look. “Kill her,” I finally said. “Dead men tell no tales. If anyone asks, she broke in and resisted.”

Pinkie gasped yet again. “Nav, you can’t! She’s defenseless!”

Kat nodded rather quickly. “I agree with her! I’m a poor defenseless molly!”

I raised an eyebrow. “You know what I did with the changelings. Why would I hesitate to kill a single person that threatens me and my friends when I killed an entire dog colony for no other reason than because I was told to?”

Kat gulped. “If this is about what happened during the March… you can do anything to me! Anything you want! Just don’t kill me!”

I crossed my arms and looked back to Kumani. “This is your reputation at risk here. I wouldn’t blame you if you killed her.”

Kumani looked over to me. “What happened during the March?”

I looked to Kat. “Yes Kat. Why don’t you tell my two friends what you did?”

“Nav, that was an uncomfortable part of my life. I was finally free! Free to use my newfound authority on what I saw as the highest ranking one there. I just wanted to feel empowered for once!”

“That’s the shittiest fucking excuse for rape I’ve ever heard! And I’ve been raped by at least five different people! Either can the fucking excuses and own up to what you did or I have Kumani tear you in half.”

Kumani’s grip tightened. “Do you know what we do to rapists in the horde?” she asked. “First we rape them. Then we kill them. Painfully.”

Kat’s eyes widened at that.

I smiled. “You know,” I said, “I got an offer to join the dragon horde today. I’m pretty sure that any crime like that would be retroactively punishable. Maybe I can be convinced to not mention it.”

She actually scoffed. “I know that’s not true. Dragons wouldn’t offer to let anyone outside their own kind join them.”

I walked over to my bag. “While you were stealing my things, you may have noticed this old relic,” I said, pulling out my key. I held it up. “This can make anyone tell the truth.” I concentrated. “What did you do to me during the March?”

Her eyes lost concentration. “Raped you. Tortured you. Taught you.” She blinked, shaking her head. “What did you do?”

I turned to Pinkie and concentrated again. “Did I get an offer to join the dragon horde?”

She happily nodded her head. “Yep yep! From the big gold dragon himself!”

I slipped the key into a pocket. “You heard her, Kat. The reason I was invited had something to do with seducing Kumani, too. So yes, you telling people would possibly ruin her reputation with the horde, but it would end up with you dead.”

“What do you want?” Kat asked.

“Information. What interest do you have in me?”

“You’re a hero to the cats and to our king. Letting the dogs harm you would be bad for us. And… well, I like you. I don’t want you hurt.”

“Why steal the invitation instead of telling me? I would have believed you.”

“Well… I wanted a bit of fun. And truth be told, I was supposed to be the distraction while Rock came in and kidnapped you.”

“If Rock was coming, he would have kicked my door in by now. Looks like you got abandoned. Why kidnap me if you were just going to steal the invitation?”

“That was the backup plan, if you refused to see sense. I would try to convince you. If I failed, Rock would kidnap you. Stealing the invitation was supposed to help reduce suspicion.”

“And I assume you were going to use the invitation to Celestia to tell her what you had done and why.”

“Yes, that was the plan.”

“I want to tell you right now that kidnapping me would have been a poor choice. The captain of the guard knows who you are and what you did. You would have been the number one suspect when I disappeared. You had some other items on you.” I reached over to where I set the human weapons down and picked one up. “Do you know what any of these do?”

“No. But I assume that if you had them locked away like that, they were important and useful.”

I set it back down. “Pinkie, frisk her again, make sure I didn’t miss anything.”

Pinkie slowly walked up to Kat. She stood up on her hind legs and began rubbing all over Kat’s body, looking for anything I might have missed. When she got close to Kat’s head, Pinkie leaned in and whispered something I couldn’t hear. Kat went pale. After a minute, Pinkie finally pulled away. “She’s clean! Well, not clean clean; she does smell funny.”

“Do you two have any questions for her?” I asked.

Pinkie shook her head. “I don’t have any questions for a meanie-beanie like her.”

Kumani flicked her tongue out before sucking it back in. “She’s not as afraid as she lets out. Why is that?”

“I’m a trained assassin,” Kat answered. “And Navarone is a pushover. I figured the damsel in distress act would work. He’s changed.”

“And not for the better,” I added. “We could give her to Shiny. He’d lock her ass in jail for breaking and entering and keep her there forever for what she did to me.”

Kumani shook her head. “She’d break free from any conventional cell.”

Pinkie spoke up. “My dad told me something one day, back on the rock farm after one of my sisters pushed me. ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’”

“I’m not a monster, Pinkie. I wouldn’t do that to anyone for any reason. And I’m shocked and disappointed to even hear you say something like that. There are three choices: Give her to the guard, kill her, or let her go. Remember Pinkie: I forgave you.”

Kat said, “I vote for letting me go.”

“Noted. Kumani?”

“She is no threat to us, but she is guilty of the worst crime there is. That said, a trained assassin is good to have on your side. I do not like letting her walk free, but it is the best choice.”

“Pinkie?”

“I don’t like the idea of hurting anypony, Nav. And she was just trying to protect you. I say let her go.”

Flo?

She whispered, “Let her go.”

“We can’t let her leave unpunished,” I said. I reached up and yanked Kat’s pants down. “Bend her over.” Kumani did so with a grin.

Kat sighed. “Be gentle, Nav. And remember that I’m sorry for what I did.”

“No you’re not.” I raised my hand and gave her ass a slap. “And for lying, you’ll get even more.” With that, I gave Kat a very vicious spanking. My hand was stinging and you could actually see the red marks on her ass through the fur when I finally decided to stop. “Was anyone keeping count?” I asked.

I think Kat was actually crying. She didn’t comment.

Pinkie spoke up. “One hundred and forty seven.”

Holy shit. Well… “I don’t like leaving uneven numbers.” I raised my hand again and gave her another three. She actually whimpered when I started again. “Well, I feel better. You can let her go, Kumani.” Kat fell to the floor and her paws tried to cover herself up. She didn’t even make an effort to rise.

“Hmm, that actually turned me on a bit,” Kumani mentioned.

“Well, my schedule is free. Pinkie here can trundle Kat away and we can have some fun.”

“They already know about us anyway…” Kumani mused. She grinned. “I like that idea.”

I turned to Pinkie just in time to catch a pink stone to the face. Dammit, Pinkie. I saw the blue stone flying at Kumani. I sighed and said, “Can you deal with Kat? Just take her… somewhere. Make sure her punishment sticks, if you know what I mean.”

“Okie dokie!” I picked Kat up and set her over Pinkie’s back like a sack of grain.

“Should we pull her pants up?” I asked.

“Nope!”

“No.” Kumani’s voice was a lot deeper now. It was kind of scary.

“Lock the door when you get out, Pinkie.”

She actually took the time to collect the stones before walking out. When she was out the door, I said, “Just once I want those stones to be used for something other than sex…”

“I’m not complaining.”

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

I turned back to look at her—him, now. He was still taller than I was, about the same height as before. He also had the same coloration. The only real difference was a more masculine build and the tip poking out of a sheath.

I looked down at it. “If that thing gets much bigger, I’m going to have to be on top. If you get control, you might honestly hurt me.”

“I might hurt you anyway. Our males are a bit… different.”

“I have a dragon friend back home. He’s a lot younger than you are, I think. He’s fucked a few ponies. There’s a very real chance you won’t be able to fit that inside of me at all.”

“You know, you’re really blasé about this. Have you tried it before?”

“Unfortunately, yes. My last relationship crashed and burned partly because of it. She loved to do shit like this and I didn’t.” I shrugged. “Well, shall we get started?”

He grinned evilly. “I don’t suppose you’d let me treat you like you did Kat?”

“With your dragon strength, you could actually hurt me.” I began taking weapons off before moving to clothes. He sat on the bed as I began pulling stuff off. When he saw my knife belts under my clothes—which hurt with my new breasts—he rolled his eyes. Finally, I stood before him completely naked.

He grinned at my body, taking it all in. “I think I like humans. Your bodies are just wonderful.” Before I could respond, he quickly stood up, grabbed me by the arms, lifted me up to his face, and kissed me. I wasn’t really used to such forwardness anymore, but I responded well to it. Soon enough, his really long dragon tongue was down my throat. I tried pulling back from that, but he wouldn’t let me. It’s just a really odd feeling.

After a minute of exploring my throat, he pushed me away. “I suppose I owe you, Navarone,” he said. “You didn’t sell me out to Pyrite, when many would have.”

“I’m not a dick. Why would I do that? Also, can you set me down?”

He sat back down on the bed and put me on his lap, facing him. I could feel his engorged dragonhood against my stomach. “You would do that to avoid punishment. You didn’t know what he would demand as your price. I would have been killed, but he could have done any number of things to you. When you told me what you did, I almost felt disappointed that you didn’t choose to take me for a bride.” He shrugged. “But I understand why you didn’t. Choice is something important to most races, and you knew I didn’t have a choice in the matter. And you have your own life to live that I know nothing of. But… you should be rewarded.”

“Rewarded?”

He answered by lowering his head to my chest and wrapping a tongue around one of my breasts, bringing his mouth in close. I felt him fully enclose it and feared for a moment that I was about to have it bitten off. He surprised me by getting a suction of sorts and sucking on it lightly while his tongue toyed with my nipple. The pleasure was immense and unexpected. I let off a gasp and felt my hands go to his head while his arms wrapped around me. I heard him giggle when he felt my reaction.

After a minute or two, I had the presence of mind to remember that I wasn’t alone, despite the good feelings I was getting. I lowered one hand to his member and wrapped it around the head. Now, I hadn’t really gotten a good look at it, because I was somewhat afraid of what I would see. As I lowered my hand, I felt several bumps along it, soft spikes that felt like they could easily mold around me. I didn’t think they would actually hurt, assuming I could even fit him inside.

He definitely noticed me exploring. He pulled away from me with an amusing pop and I heard myself grunt in disappointment. His arms pulled away from me before grabbing my arms and lifting me again. He fell back against the bed and pulled me up so that I was sitting on his face.

“You know, I may be small, but I’m not completely fragile.”

“This is more fun,” he replied. I just sighed as he took in what was apparently his bounty. “You seem to think so too,” he commented. Well, yeah. What he did felt good. Why wouldn’t I be wet?

When I didn’t give him a response, I felt his tongue reach out and gently prod me. He slurped it back in with a chuckle. “You humans even taste good! What other surprises await?”

“We don’t feel like fire inside. Speaking of which…” My body was demanding he go back to work. My mind was getting a sick joy from it that wasn’t present when Luna was in control. It probably had something to do with me being human.

His tongue shot back out and wasted no time entering me, exploring my new womanhood. I only had this done to me once by an inexperienced partner, and the explosion of feelings in my mind was enough to let me know that I needed to do it again someday. I have no idea if Kumani was experienced or not, but his tongue was making up for any lack. I almost immediately started trying to grind, which didn’t work all that well since I was still being held above him. Of course, grinding on scales wouldn’t work well anyway, but good luck telling my body that.

When he forced more of his tongue into me and looped the forked end out to wrap around my clit while still playing with my insides, I knew I was going to peak soon. My wings had long since fully extended. I don’t know why that kind of thing happened, but I also didn’t care.

I felt a claw gently prodding at my backdoor, but I couldn’t formulate a response to tell him to stop. When I tried to talk, it just came out as a moan. When he heard it, he doubled his efforts, his tongue dancing across and into me and his talon weakly pushing inside. It didn’t hurt, but it also didn’t feel welcome. Like it or not, it didn’t stop me from cumming, letting my fluids drip down onto his face.

He lowered my body down to his mouth, presumably so he could catch any fluids that came out. I guess he really liked the taste. I felt his teeth brush against me as he lowered me into his mouth. “If you bite down, the last few seconds of my life are going to be spent very angry,” I managed to breathe out.

He answered by slapping his tongue against my slit, making me flinch. I lightly punched his head.

When he finished licking pretty much everything he could reach, he finally pulled me off and set me down on his chest. “You taste amazing,” he sighed.

I answered by scooching backwards until I felt his member on my back. I noticed that I left a trail of juices behind. “I taste amazing. You ready to find out how I feel?”

“Are you sure? I really don’t want to risk hurting you.”

“Just lay back and let me do the work and I should be okay. Don’t suddenly thrust or anything.”

“I’ll try.”

I nodded and pushed myself up off his stomach with my hands and legs. I gulped when I saw that he had to be at least a foot long. I knelt over him and positioned his spiny dragonhood at my entrance. I lowered myself just enough so that I could feel him poking me. I took a deep breath and let his head slip inside.

I felt stretched just from getting that much in. It was narrower than the rest of his length, so I gave myself a minute to adjust before slowly lowering to take more in. Hell, he was actually panting as I took more of him inside. When I finally got to the first few spines, I stopped. I did a quick mental calculation and figured that if they did hurt me, I could quickly get healed by Celestia. With that, I took a bit more of him.

My God, the feeling from those spines was incredible. I could feel each one inside of me, pressing against my walls. They were little pinpricks of pleasure, almost making me forget the uncomfortable fullness I was feeling. I let out a sigh as I took just a little bit more in. I was at the point where he was actually making me bulge a bit, and I knew I could take no more in or I would get hurt.

I lowered a hand to see how much of his length was left. It was just enough for me to wrap my fist around. I grinned and did so. “How are you feeling?” I asked, my voice a little bit strained.

“So… tight,” he hissed.

“If it hurts, we can stop.”

“Don’t you dare!”

I giggled and began rising off him, feeling his spines rubbing against me even more. I got to where it was just his tip in me and slowly began lowering myself again. It didn’t take nearly as much time to get down. Soon, I was actually riding him, my body happily responding to that large meat stick inside me. With those little spines and with how large he was, it didn’t take me long to begin panting as badly as he was.

Unfortunately, he was a virgin. Even my limited experience as a chick meant that I would probably last longer than he did. He quickly reached his peak and pretty much nothing happened other than his tail wrapping around my upper body somehow. I’m pretty sure that if he did have any jizz produced, it probably would have seriously hurt me.

Not so unfortunately, his tail maneuvered itself to my clit and began rubbing it as I continued riding him. He was gasping for breath as I continued pumping, trying to reach my peak before he softened and pulled out.

I didn’t get my way. I was left panting and close to release but unable to get it. I think he saw my state and took pity on me, as he pulled me off his flaccid member and lifted me back up to his face. He flicked his tongue out and I felt the pleasure again, but it wasn’t the same as having his large member filling me.

…Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Even if it wasn’t the same, he was still skilled. It didn’t take long before I came yet again, dropping more fluids onto his face. He repeated the process of taking me into his mouth and licking me clean. It kind of tickled, honestly.

When he finally got all the taste he wanted, he set me back on his chest. “I think I prefer you this way,” he said.

“It certainly was a lot of fun… But I don’t like being female. It feels wrong to me. My balance is different and my body is off.”

He poked one of my breasts with a talon. “These are so much nicer than that flat, hard chest you had before. And your taste! If I could convince some of my friends to give you a try, would you let them?”

Oh God, he’s trying to run a train on me. “No thanks. I’ll admit that it felt great, but I don’t feel like being used like that. Besides, the consequence for one dragon was pretty bad. I don’t want to get caught in a room full of them.”

“Fair to both points. And it just means more for myself. I think I’m addicted to you, now.”

“That’s kind of a scary thought. I suppose we can work on your endurance, though. Maybe I can actually cum from riding you, then. Those spines are amazing.”

He grinned. “Yes, they are. Now, we both need a shower.”

“You go first. I don’t trust my legs just yet.”

“Hmm… We could share one.”

“I think the water temperature you would use would scald my skin. Also, two people in a shower at once would be miserable.”

He shrugged and lifted me off him and set me on the bed. He sat up and stretched his wings before standing. “Yes, this is definitely going to become a thing, if you’re interested.” He walked off to the shower, leaving me thinking about just what he meant.

(Sex is over)

When we got back out of my room, it was getting close to dark outside. I left my axe behind, because it doesn’t fit well around my breasts. I had the knife belts strapped around my stomach, outside of my shirt. The sword was around my larger hips. All of my magic artifacts and human weapons were on my body somewhere. After what Kat did, I didn’t want to risk any of them getting out. I was planning on getting some kind of magic lock box from Shiny, if he could make me one.

“So can you go back to your dragon friends looking like that?” I asked.

“I would certainly have some explaining to do. Or I could just pretend to be someone else. Or I could just continue hanging out with you. If those dogs do plan on hurting you, they might get impatient and make a move sooner rather than later. What did you even do to them?”

“The short version is that I was hired to help destroy one of their mining colonies. We were remarkably successful. So successful that there can’t be any proof that I was actually guilty. The only thing they have to go on is conjecture, I imagine. I don’t think they’ll try to kill me, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try to hurt me to get the truth. I would welcome the company, if you would not lose face in giving it.”

Kumani picked me up and cradled me like a baby. “You’re an Equestrian knight, quite famous. I’ll lose no face from hanging out with you.”

“Why did you pick me up? And why are you holding me like this?”

“So I can do this.” He lifted my face to his and kissed me. I felt my wings shoot out in surprise and my eyes widened. I mean, it wouldn’t be odd if we were still in private. But we were in the middle of the festival. Everyone was staring at us. Most of them were just as surprised as I was. He finally managed to get past my teeth and get his tongue into my mouth. I was still too shocked to fight back.

This could mean Kumani’s life. That he was just up and doing this was insane! When he finally pulled away, I caught my breath and whispered harshly, “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

He giggled, for some reason. “As soon as your friend hits me with that stone, I don’t exist anymore. Might as well have some fun.”

“You won’t, but I will! I don’t want to get questioned again.”

He lowered one of the hands holding me up to stroke my wings, making me flinch. “Don’t worry so much. Now, where are we going?”

“You’re going to put me down.”

“Psh, fine.” He finally let me down on the ground. I rearranged my weapons and did my best to lower my wings. Stupid sexy dragons…

“If you’re coming, come on. I need to find Shining Armor.”

“Of course I want to follow you. That jiggle you have going on back there is just wonderful to watch.”

I chose not to comment on that. I kind of wondered how I had any jiggle at all, given how much of a skinny stick I am as a guy. Either way, I was looking forward to getting turned back quickly. Knowing Pinkie, though, there was no telling when I was going to get turned back.

Of course, most of the guests here wouldn’t even know I was a chick. And a lot of them just saw me kissed by a male dragon. I expected some interesting conversations in the future.

It didn’t take us too long to make our way into the central pony area of the party. We were both getting plenty of looks from everyone, but no place was off limits for any race during the parties, aside from the very small number of private functions.

I felt a sudden shift along my body and realized that I was a guy again. I quickly wheeled around to see a pink tail disappearing behind a corner. Kumani was unchanged. I just shook my head and kept going. I’m destroying those stones when I get back. I rearranged the knife belts so that they were around my chest again.

Shining Armor actually didn’t look like he was doing anything important. He was standing outside of a small building, one that I figured was probably Celestia’s main hub. I walked up to him. “Sup, Shiny? How you liking the party so far?”

“It’s dull, at least for me.” He nodded at Kumani. “Who’s that?”

“Friend of mine. Name’s John.”

“Nice to meet you, John,” Shining said with a small bending of his legs.

“And you,” Kumani answered.

“I see you’re enjoying the party, Nav,” Shiny said.

I shrugged. “Eh, you know. Almost got forced to marry a dragon or join the dragon horde, went into my room to find someone breaking in and stealing my stuff, and then I found out the dogs are planning to kill me tomorrow. The usual. Can you make me an enchanted lockbox?”

He blinked. “Alright, how much of that was true? I can’t tell with you.”

“All of it. There was an incident with the great dragon migration a few years ago and at the party last year there was another incident with a dragon. Because of those two, the clutch leader fellow wanted to force me into the horde. I didn’t know that was possible and it seems silly, but that’s how it is. When I got back from meeting him, I met John and Pinkie near my room. I took them both in and Kat was there, trying to warn me against meeting the dogs. I had John hold her down while I rifled through her pockets. She had the dog invitation, Celestia’s invitation, several human weapons, and a set of lockpicks. She warned me, I punished her, we let her go, and now we’re here.”

It took him a minute to process what I told him. “And… how did you punish her?”

“A very fierce spanking.”

“Do I even want to know what a spanking is?”

Oh yeah, I forgot that ponies don’t have hands. “Turn around.” He sighed and did so. I raised my hand and brought it down against his flank. He let off a yelp of surprise and whirled around. “That’s a spanking. Or actually, that was a spank. Now, do you know where I can get a magic lockbox? I don’t want to carry all this stuff around.”

His face was very red from embarrassment or maybe anger. He decided—smartly—to not comment on that. “We’ll discuss the lockbox in a moment. How did she know the dogs were going to kill you? And why would they do so?”

“The why isn’t important. The how… Well, she’s an ex-assassin and the cats are good at sneaking anyway. I figure she has sources that spy on them. Kat’s plan was to kidnap me if I didn’t take her word for it that the dogs were going to kill me. She was going to hold me until the day of the meeting passed.”

“Well… you’re not going to go, are you?”

“I do plan on it, yes. I’m going to bring John. Any revenge they would feel from striking me down wouldn’t be worth the losses they would incur doing it with him there. I’ll try to keep it civil, see what they want, all that fun stuff. With luck, Kat will have been lying or just wrong.”

“What time are you going to meet them?”

I pulled the invite out of my pocket and passed it to him. He scanned over it quickly. “I’m going too.” He passed the invite back to me.

“Cool. Should we tell Celestia?”

“No. But I do want a favor for going with you.”

“Ask. I might be able to give you a boon.”

He went a bit hesitant. “My wife and I want to… discuss… something with you when we get back to Canterlot. We have a proposition of sorts. All I ask right now is that you hear us out when we ask, and to not tell anypony about it.”

“Sounds easy enough. I mean, hell, it’s not like you want me to star in a porn with your wife or something. Now, about that lockbox I need?”

“If you already caught Kat, she probably won’t try again. But I’ll have a magic safe sent to your room. It can only be picked up with magic and it can only be opened by one key. There will be a guard waiting for you with the key to it.”

“Thanks, Shiny. Just remember: Tomorrow, I’m in charge. You may be captain of the royal guard, but I don’t imagine you have much experience in dark ops and back room stuff. That’s my territory.”

He rolled his eyes. “Right. I’ll be ready to put a shield up instantly for when you mess up.”

“Love the vote of confidence. Keep it real, Shiny.”

Before he could ask what that meant, Kumani and I left. “John?” he asked.

“There was a male dragon named Bruce. I figured John would fit.”

He rolled his shoulders. “Well enough, I suppose. So, how reliable is he?”

“No clue. I know he has some powerful shields, but after the wedding, I don’t think I would trust him guarding anything, let alone the princess. Now that was a right clusterfuck. Still, I’m sure he’ll be able to keep a few dogs away from us while we taunt them.”

“What happened at the wedding?”

“The changeling queen infiltrated Canterlot disguised as Shining Armor’s fiancée. I realized immediately it wasn’t her and she trapped me and his real fiancée in some caves under Canterlot. The queen fooled almost everyone else. We escaped just in time to save the day. Captured the queen, kept the changelings out of Canterlot, and brokered a treaty between the changelings and ponies. And that led directly to what happened with the dogs. Celestia let the queen borrow me to help deal with a dog colony right next to a changeling colony. The two groups were constantly fighting. The queen had me help wipe the dogs out. I gave them the plans to do it. The dogs died almost to a man. There were I think about five survivors, four of which were immediately captured and one of which evaded capture for a while.”

“You’re like, some kind of hero! No wonder Pyrite wanted you in the horde.”

“Yeah, ‘some kind’ of hero. I get the job done, but that’s all that can be said. Doesn’t matter. Come on, let’s enjoy the party while you’re still awake.”

“Sounds good to me.” Her voice sounded a lot higher. I turned back to find that Kumani was now properly female. “I have a feeling we’re in for an odd week.”

Chapter Fifty-Seven—Playing by the rules is overrated anyway

Chapter Fifty-Seven—Playing by the rules is overrated anyway

The next day, I gathered up Shining Armor and Kumani and we entered the dog compound. I was armored, as I figured I might as well do my best to stay alive. I wasn’t wearing the helmet because that would make it look like I thought I was about to get attacked.

We three entered the dog quarter. “So where’s John?” Shiny asked as we began walking.

“He couldn’t make it,” Kumani answered. “I’m his sister, Kumani.”

“I see. And Navarone, what are these rumors I hear about you kissing a male dragon yesterday?”

“It was a dare,” I answered. “Not one either of us made. I’m surprised he did it, knowing the potential consequences.”

“And I’m surprised you were so docile about it,” Shiny answered with a smirk. “I figured you were more of a lady’s stallion.”

“I am. He caught me by surprise. And fuck, man, have you ever kissed a dragon? Their tongue goes down your fucking throat. You can’t really fight back.”

Kumani giggled. “You never complained about my tongue before,” she said, her voice husky.

Shiny gave me a good ‘what the fuck’ look. “Really, Nav? Her?”

I shrugged. “I have exotic tastes. Given that I’m the only fucking human here, I kind of have to. Is it any real surprise to you?”

He sighed and shook his head. “I’ve come to expect no better of you. Griffins, ponies, cats, dragons… I bet you’ve even put a naga on that list, haven’t you?”

My grin told him enough. “To be fair, though, I have been here for several years. And I’m exotic as well, so there are some girls out there that would be more willing to do things with me. It’s been fun, but I was looking forward to settling down. But hell, look where that got me.”

“I know, Nav,” Shining answered. “Celestia only knows I hear enough about that from Cadance.”

I didn’t even want to know. I wasn’t surprised that Cadance was whining about it. When I got back, I planned to tell her the full story.

We three were getting plenty of looks from the dogs. It wasn’t every day you saw a dragon, the pony captain of Celestia’s royal guard, and a bipedal critter that didn’t match anything else. Especially one that’s armored in some very expensive looking plate mail, wielding a crossbow, some bolts, a sword, and an axe. I figured I’d play the part of knight on this trip. The axe and sword were both on my back, one over each shoulder. I was hoping that I was ready for anything.

When we finally got to the address provided on the invitation, we saw several armed and armored dogs around the small compound. I showed the invitation to a bored looking sentry that stiffened when we approached. “I’m here to see the boss,” I said.

He looked over the letter for a moment before shrugging. “You human?” he asked in a somewhat guttural voice.

“Yes.”

His eyes flicked over my shoulders. “They not human.”

“No, they’re not. They’re coming with me.”

“Nothing but human allowed inside.”

I crossed my arms. “You go tell your boss that unless these two come in with me, we have no business to discuss.”

He shrugged again. “Your head.” He pushed the gates open and entered the little house. We waited there for a few minutes. When he finally came back out, he walked up to us. “Only human can come in.”

I turned around and started walking away.

“Wait!”

I turned and looked for the one that spoke. It sure wasn’t the guard dog; that was a much more cultured voice. Through the bars of the fence, I saw a very tiny dog. I would say he was some manner of chihuahua, if that had any relevance. “Yes?” I asked.

He sighed. “I can’t let them in. But I must talk with you. Why do you refuse to see me without them?”

“I got word you were planning on killing me. These two are my assurance that I don’t get hurt.”

He looked affronted. “And where did you hear such preposterous rumors?”

“My sources are my own, but I trust them more than I trust you. If you have business to discuss, we can discuss it here. Or you can come with me to a more secure location. But I’m not going anywhere alone.”

He grit his teeth before turning to my companions. “You. Unicorn. I’ve seen you before. You are Celestia’s royal guard commander. Any business I have to discuss with Navarone would go straight to her ear.” He looked at Kumani. “You, however… Dragons have no loyalties beyond kin and gold. You’ll find plenty of gold if you help Navarone.” He turned back to me. “The dragon can enter. The unicorn may not.”

I crossed my arms. “I don’t need gold. I don’t need a job. I have no desire to enter a contract. We may have things to discuss, but unless you have a very convincing reason that you can give me right here and right now to stay, I’m leaving.”

“What if I told you that if you entered and spoke with me, we could decrease smuggling of lives, drugs, and other items by as much as fifty percent?”

“I would call you a liar, first. A criminal organization does need a boss, but just because the head is cut off doesn’t mean the rest of the criminals will follow. Most will resort to independent work, lacking any manner of rules or guidelines. You want me to assassinate a crime boss. You either plan to take over his organization for yourself or you plan to try to end it. Neither would work. The first, because I would kill you. The second, because crime never ends. It just changes.”

He shook his head sadly. “I thought you were a creature with vision! One that knew that enslaving others was wrong!”

“It is, for the most part. But if you believe that killing one person will end crime, you would be sorely mistaken.”

He raised his paw. “That is where you are mistaken, Navarone. I don’t want him killed.” His paw pointed at me. “I want him captured.” He dropped it. “The three of you may enter. Open the gate!”

I turned to look at Shining Armor and Kumani. “Well?” I quietly asked.

Shiny was still looking at the dog. “If he can do as he says, we could really clean this place up.” His eyes went to mine. “I know you remember the pirates you ran into, Nav. That was one ship. They had several pony slaves. If we can help stop that from happening, it is your duty as a knight and my duty as guard captain to ensure we do.”

Kumani shrugged. “If he’s paying, I’m in. I happen to have more loyalties than just to kin and money, but I’m always looking to add to my hoard.” She noticed Shining Armor glaring at her. “What? I don’t care about your little ponies or crime.”

Flo?

“I am fairly certain he won’t betray you,” she said.

I turned and walked into the gates. Shining Armor and Kumani followed. The dog grinned and began leading us into his little estate. The doors opened for him and he led us through the foyer and into a nice sitting room. Each chair had high backs, so neither Kumani nor I could sit in them. There were no couches for Shiny. The dog walked over to a chair behind the desk and sat down. I noticed that the chair was highly padded, enough so that he could look over the desk.

“Shiny, ward the door. Nothing gets in.”

“My name isn’t Shiny.” His horn lit up and a purple ward appeared over the door.

I turned to the dog. “Why me?”

“Because I know your loyalty to Celestia and her sister is merely coincidental. You are a knight of Equestria, but you care nothing for the land or its ponies. Your motivation also isn’t gold. You do what you do because you either have no choice or because you are convinced that it is the morally correct thing to do. I have a feeling you would tell Celestia or Luna to eat shit if they told you to do something you thought was evil.”

“Damn right I would. Your spies are good. Convince me to do this job of yours, then.”

“The dogfather—” That’s as far as he got before I burst out laughing.

He looked disturbed and a little bit insulted as I tried to get myself together. When I finally managed to breathe without laughing, I said, “D-d-dogfather? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. I’m not. I don’t know why you find his name humorous.”

“It’s a human thing. God, I fucking hate this planet. Go on, tell me more about your godfather.”

“Dogfather. He’s the biggest crime boss this side of China. There are rumors that he was thrown into Tartarus by Celestia herself and managed to escape.”

Shiny scoffed. “Impossible. No pony can escape from Tartarus.”

“I didn’t say it was true. But where do you think the blood diamonds come from, huh? You know Celestia wouldn’t risk mining operations in that hellhole.”

“Blood diamonds are a myth!”

“No they aren’t,” I said. “I’ve found one before. Your sister confirmed it, and you know she knows her shit. I don’t have all day. Shining, is the dogfather a real person and is he a crime boss?”

“He’s not a person, but he is a crime boss.”

“Alright, I don’t care what he did. Why should I take him down?”

“Think of all the lives you could save! Think of—”

“Don’t care about them. What I meant is, what’s stopping someone else from taking over after I remove this fellow?”

“That’s why you’re taking him alive. Capture him, bring him here, I retrieve the information I need from him, and then the dogs out east pour in all the resources I need to remove his criminals from business. We take down all the heads at once in one massive sting operation and remove his entire business. Sure, something else might eventually replace him, but that would take time. And with what we learn from him, we can possibly prevent it from happening as quickly.”

“What’s in it for us?”

“Ten thousand bits. Each.”

Shiny sniffed. “We’ll do it for free!”

“Kumani, hit him.” I heard a loud thwack behind me. “Where is this fellow? What makes you think we can even do this?”

“Because he wants to meet you, Navarone. And he’s here, at this festival.”

“He would never let Shining Armor in. Captain of the royal guard? He’d be killed on sight.”

“Then don’t bring him. I have an agent you can use instead. Minerva, you can enter now.” A panel opened on one of the walls and a female dog walked out. “This is Minerva, a very well trained fighter. She has a bone to pick with the dogfather.” It wasn’t until I sit here writing this that the pun hit me.

I looked her up and down before turning back to the boss. “No. I’m not bringing someone that has a grudge with this guy. If I’m going to risk my life capturing him, I’m going to risk my life my way. I don’t need another fighter anyway. I need a thinker. So no, you can keep your agent. Give me the location of this guy and I’ll have him for you by the end of the week.”

The boss leaned back in his chair. “I am not used to hiring mercenaries that do not accept any manner of guidance.”

“And I’m not a mercenary.”

“What if part of the deal was that you had to take her?”

“Then I would walk out that door and you wouldn’t see me again.”

Minerva finally spoke up. “Please! I want to be part of the team that brings the dogfather to justice! He killed my entire family!”

“Yeah, I don’t care. Another person I don’t know and can’t control adds too much of a risk on this already too risky mission. Don’t worry, I have a plan for taking this fellow down. But that plan does not involve you. It cannot involve you. You would get in the way. When I bring him here, you can torture him all you want.”

“My entire life was dedicated to bringing him to justice!”

“Then it looks like you picked a wrong vocation.” I turned back to the boss. “If she shows up while I’m trying to capture the father guy, I won’t be able to ensure his safety. You keep her here.”

He sighed before nodding. “Fine. Have it your way. It’s more important that he be brought to justice than she gets her revenge.” He turned to the girl. “Sorry toots. It’s his show now.”

She was actually tearing up. I said, “So where is the dogfather?”

He opened a drawer and pulled an envelope out and passed it across the desk. “We intercepted this message that was bound for you.”

I picked it up and opened it. I read it to myself before reading aloud, “Sir Navarone—You are an interesting subject. You managed to capture one of my ships and crew almost entirely by yourself. You helped ruin an entire trade industry in Egypt. You aided trade and legitimized several smugglers that had been paying me protection money, denying me even more income. You helped the changelings destroy a very profitable mining colony. You seem to ruin my business simply by existing. Yet I have no desire to harm you. I know you have many qualities I would pay dearly to possess. Of course, why pay when you don’t have to? If you want to see your little Taya again, meet me in the sewers under the naga compound. You may bring two companions—not that they’d do you any good. Signed, Dogfather.”

“He has Taya?” Shiny asked, surprised.

“Hell no, he doesn’t have Taya,” I answered. “She’s across the motherfucking ocean. I just saw her two days ago. This letter was written before I got here, when he thought I was taking a boat and hadn’t seen her in a month or so. She’s protected by Twilight and herself.” I looked at the boss. “I’ll be back here in less than a day. You better be here, or I’m slitting his throat and leaving you his body.”

He nodded. “I’d expect nothing else. May profit be with you.”

I led the way back out the building. Whenever Shining Armor tried to talk, I told him to shut up. We finally got back to my apartments. I turned to Shiny. “Is there a way to eavesdrop with magic?”

“There are some enchanted devices, yes.”

I grabbed the invitation to the dogfather and set it on the table and led the way to my room. “Put a ward up. I want just us inside it. Nothing needs to hear this.” He did. “Alright, most people don’t know how much magic can actually do. Shiny, go get Celestia. Have her teleport directly to me. Leave the bubble up.”

“My name isn’t Shiny and this isn’t a bubble. You can’t just order the princess around, Nav!”

“Tell her it’s important. Tell her I said it was important.”

He grit his teeth. “Fine.”

He left, muttering darkly. “So what’s the plan, Nav?” Kumani asked.

“I’ll wait for Celestia to get here. I don’t want to explain it twice.”

“Do I at least get a part?”

“Yes. You get to help me drag him back to the boss. You’ll get your money, assuming we get paid for this.”

I walked over to the writing desk between the two beds and pulled some paper from the desk. I wrote a quick message and walked back to the bubble.

“So… what do you want to do while we wait?” she asked after a minute of silence.

“Knowing Celestia, she’d teleport in just as we got to the good stuff. I guess you could tell me more about yourself; all I know is your name and that you’re a dragon.”

She opened her mouth to answer, but a teleporting princess cut her off. “This better be important, Nav,” Celestia said.

“It is. The dog boss just hired me to take down the dogfather. I got a letter from the father telling me that he has Taya and that if I want to see her again I’ll meet him in the sewers under the naga complex. I’m going to go there and you’re going to teleport me and the boss here. Then you kick his ass, steal all his memories, and we give him to the dogs.”

Celestia nodded her head. “I like that plan. Just to be on the safe side, though, we should check with Twilight.”

I held up the note. She pulled it from me with magic, read it quickly, and sent it on its way. “You really do think of everything, Nav,” she said.

“Not everything,” I answered. “Just as much as I can.”

Celestia looked to Kumani. “And you must be the dragon he slept with. He does get around. How was he?”

“Fun. Quite a lot of it. I take it you’ve spent a time or two with him?”

Before Celestia could answer, a scroll burst to life in front of her. She quickly scanned it before passing it to me. It basically said that of course Taya was there, though some dogs did show up to try to create some trouble. They were handily defeated.

“Pathetic,” I said. “Can’t even capture a little girl.”

“Don’t tempt fate,” Celestia warned. “Now, we need to do this quickly. I have somewhere I’m supposed to be right now.”

I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring and set it on a bed. I replaced my gauntlet. “Just watch me, Celestia.”

“Of course, Nav. I want to put the dogfather back in prison as much as you do. Just remember: You have to be touching him for me to be able to teleport him as well.”

I nodded and went to the door. As the door closed behind me, I heard Kumani comment, “This feels like cheating.”

I grabbed the invitation and got outside my room just as Shining Armor got to my door. I held a finger to my lips, hoping to keep him quiet. He either got the message or didn’t want to talk to me anyway. I hummed an old song as I walked down the streets toward the naga compound. It didn’t take me too long to get there.

I got a number of looks and my weapons got even more. And when I went into an alley and pried up a sewer lid, I got a ton of strange looks. I stopped noticing them when I jumped in and let my wings gently float me down.

“God I hate sewers,” I said as I covered my nose. I called out, “Alright, I’m here. Come out and lead me to him.”

A cat stepped out from behind a corner. “You are alone?” I nodded. “Come, then.”

I followed the cat down a very long series of tunnels. He didn’t talk and I didn’t talk. We finally got to a crossroads type area, where three dogs were waiting for us. Each one looked positively psychotic. “Where’s the dogfather?” I asked.

One of them stepped forward. “That would be me.”

I looked him up and down. “Don’t lie. The dogfather is going to look normal, someone the guards would never think was a crook. Where is he?”

I heard a light clapping from down one of the corridors. After a moment, I could see a dog walking down it, gently clapping. Another dog followed him, carrying a very depressed looking changeling disguised as Taya.

“You are smart, Navarone,” the dog said. “Very smart. But not smart enough to protect those you love, apparently.”

I pulled my right gauntlet off and held up my hand for him to shake. He looked at it oddly. “What is this?” he asked.

“Human greeting. We shake hands when we meet possible employers.”

“I don’t have hands, but… I do like being at least slightly civil.” He wrapped his paw around me.

“That’s a nice changeling you have there,” I said with a grin. The triumphant smirk on his face disappeared as we teleported.

Kumani instantly wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tightly, holding him up and away from me. Celestia bent her horn in and it lit up. The dog instantly fell unconscious.

“Easiest ten thousand bits I ever made,” I commented. “So how long do you think it’ll take to sort through all his memories?”

Celestia’s horn was still glowing. A minute later, she pulled back. “Done. I can’t believe he seriously came here in person to meet you. How he escaped from Tartarus is beyond me. Apparently he thought it was tradition, or a kind of politeness to greet a defeated opponent in person.”

I scoffed. “Dumbass. Do we have everything we need from him?”

She nodded. “Yes. I will give the dogs one month. If they don’t make their move, I will begin dismantling his crime organization. Shining Armor, go with them to make sure no harm comes to the dogfather.

I finally noticed him over in the corner. He had a very shocked look on his face. “Princess… this feels wrong. It’s like… it’s like we were supposed to go through a process first, but bypassed all the steps!” We all looked at him like he was an idiot. I mentioned before how he was new to dark operations. He just sighed and shook his head. “Very well. Shall we, then?”

I took my armor off, because it stank something fierce after that trip to the sewers. “Shining, can you do magic to that to make it not stink?” Celestia’s horn lit up and the armor returned to its pristine condition. “Thank you. But don’t you have something important to do?”

She rolled her eyes. “Important, but boring. I’d rather see the look on the boss’s face. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to. Shining Armor, when you get payment, return to me.”

“Yes, Princess.” With that, Celestia teleported out. “Well, are you two ready?”

I looked the dog over. “We should tie him.”

Kumani gently set him on the bed and began wrapping the sheets around him. It wouldn’t be strong, but it should stop him for a moment if he does wake up.

“Why would we need to do that?” Shining asked. “He’s not going anywhere. Not with the three of us watching him.”

“Because the first rule of mercenary work is not taking unnecessary chances. Especially when you’re ferrying an extremely dangerous criminal. Is he good and tied up?”

She tugged at the bounds. “He’s not going anywhere.”

“Kumani, carry him. If he moves, yell. Shiny, keep a shield around us at all times. This fucker had friends. Friends that I don’t want coming at us. Speaking of which… Kumani, if you go, you’ll probably become a target. Same for you, Shiny. You two don’t have to help me get him there.”

Shiny said, “I want to see justice done. And my name isn’t Shiny.”

Kumani shrugged. “They wouldn’t dare hurt a dragon. And those bits could be useful.”

I pulled my crossbow up and loaded it. “Let’s go. Either of you see anything suspicious, note it. Trust no one; they had a changeling with them.”

I took a step to the door before remembering something very important. I grabbed my magic cancelling ring and stuffed it in a pocket. With that, we finally departed. As soon as we got outside of my room, a bubble surrounded our little group. When we got outside the apartment, I locked the door behind us and we finally started off to the dog compound.

We got even more looks, this time. Plenty of glares, for taking up so much space; anyone that tried to walk into the bubble clanged off.

We were about halfway to the compound when Pinkie showed up and knocked on the outside of the shield. “Should I let her in?” Shiny asked.

“No. She could very well be a changeling.” I stepped up to the side of the bubble she was on. “If you really are Pinkie, we’re on business for Celestia. Be careful; you might be a target. Trust no one. If I’m not wearing my ring, assume I’m a changeling.” I pulled it out of my pocket and put it on.

“Okie dokie! Just know that your punishment is waiting!”

I wasn’t expecting Pinkie to be serious about this. Our business, not the punishment. There was a time she would demand to be involved just to feel welcome. I know I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

They ambushed us right outside of the dog part of the town. Dogs, cats, naga, changelings. Hell, even a few ponies. They poured out of the sewers and alleys and swarmed our group, pounding on the shield.

I grinned. “Shiny, can things go out of the shield?”

“Not normally,” he answered, his voice tight with strain.

“Let’s find out if they can while I’m wearing the ring.”

I unsheathed the enchanted sword. Some of the assailants backed away a few steps before rushing back in. I walked up to the edge of the shield and swung out at them. The sword went right through, cutting through armor, flesh, and bone. It turned all of their wounds icy as it went, leaving everyone that survived to wail in pain.

At that, the assailants truly backed away. They were expecting a quick dash and grab, killing the three of us and retrieving the boss. They weren’t expecting an impenetrable shield and an enchanted sword.

“Let’s go. Walk around the wounded, Shiny. The guards should be here soon to clean them up.”

Just as I said that, dog guards and pony guards rounded the corners ahead and behind us, finally coming to our rescue. All the civilians had long since fled, leaving just us and the crooks.

We began skirting around the wounded as the criminals finally fled, trying to get away from the guards. “Nav, what did you do to them?” Shining asked.

“Enchanted sword,” I answered. “One of two enchanted weapons known to exist. It sends an icy chill through any wound. It’s quite useful.”

“And how did you get that?” he asked.

“I found it. Your sister studied it. Celestia said I could keep it.”

“What’s its name?” Kumani asked.

“As far as I know, it doesn’t have one. If I picked it, I would call it the Pale Blade.”

“That’s a stupid name,” she answered.

“For once, I agree with her,” Shiny said.

“Then I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t pick it. I’m honestly surprised none of those guards tried to stop us,” I said. We were a few streets away, now.

“The princess probably sent word ahead,” Shiny answered. “And the dogs knew we were coming.”

“Doesn’t matter, as long as no one gets in the bubble. Kumani, is he keeping still?”

“He’s still out cold. Whatever Sunbutt did to him, it was effective.”

Shining Armor gasped. “What did you call the princess?”

“Not the time,” I said. “You can rebuke her later, when she isn’t carrying someone worth thirty thousand bits.” He grumbled, but didn’t say anything I could hear.

There were no further interruptions on the way to the little estate. The sentry looked at us dumbly when we walked up. “Already?” he asked.

“Yes. Open the gate.”

He scratched at his helmet for a second before shrugging and pushing the gate open. We walked around him, the shield still on us. He let it drop when we finally stepped inside their building.

The little dog was running down stairs, quickly trying to put a vest on. When he saw us, his eyes went wide. “They weren’t lying! How are you back so quickly?”

“Because I’m dangerously savvy,” I said. “You got our money?”

He finally got downstairs into the foyer. When I asked about the money, he got shifty-eyed. “Well, sort of. I don’t have the actual bits right here, but I can write you a check that you can cash at the bank in town.”

“Go get your guards to take the prisoner. You can write your check, but you’re coming with us to cash it.”

He quickly nodded. “Of course! Of course! Just a moment.” He sprinted further into the building, making funny barking noises. A moment later, he came back out with three guards and Minerva. She got an evil look on her face when she saw the dog. “Take the prisoner. Break his legs and chain him into a cell.”

Shiny recoiled. “You can’t do that! It’s against several prisoner mistreatment laws!”

“Shining Armor, you have seriously got to learn to shut the fuck up,” I said. “This entire job was illegal. We just kidnapped someone. He may be a criminal, but that didn’t change the fact that what we did was kidnapping. Kumani, hand him over.” She threw him at the dogs. They caught him. I noticed that Shining Armor looked disgusted and horrified. “I want my bed sheets back, by the way.”

The boss waved a paw. “I’ll just add twenty bits to your reward. You can buy yourself some new ones.”

“One more thing: Celestia knows. She helped us pull it off. You have a month to pull your sting op before she does it for you.”

The dog flinched back. “A month?! That’s—” He stopped. “That’s… doable. It’ll be hard, but we can get the information we need that quickly. Minerva, get started as soon as possible. Whatever it takes.” The dogs carried the dogfather away. Minerva was chuckling and stroking a dagger.

“Now, our money?”

“Yes, yes. Come along.” He pushed through our group to the door. We followed, though Shiny’s steps were very stiff. I think it was finally getting into his mind that what we did was pretty illegal. He probably also realized that Celestia not only condoned it, but also helped us.

When we got outside, the boss called up three guards. One of the guards picked the boss up and set him on his shoulders. The other two flanked us. “To the bank,” the boss said. The dogs nodded and began trotting off. The boss slapped the one he was riding on the head. “Slower.” They slowed down. We started following them. “So, Navarone, how did you capture him?”

“The how isn’t important. On the off chance that I need to do something like it again, I’d rather not reveal how I did it.”

“That’s wise, I suppose. Could you do it again?”

“Yes. But I do not desire to gain more enemies. We were attacked once on the way here. Oh, and be careful when you’re guarding him: They have changelings. When you get back, institute a policy wherein only those that prove themselves by bleeding can see him. Kill any and all bugs you see.”

“Why bleeding?” he asked.

“Changelings always bleed their own color. If you cut them when they’re disguised, they’ll bleed green. Dogs have red blood. And I also suggest removing him from this area immediately. They probably know where he is.”

“That is the plan, yes. As soon as I pay you three off, I will make plans to move him. Speaking of which, are you three partners? Or just friends?”

“Friends,” I answered. “I’ve worked with Shining Armor in the past, but this is my first job with Kumani. I think this is their first underhanded job.”

“It is,” Kumani confirmed. “But they pay well. It might not be my last.”

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PONIES?!” Shining Armor finally burst out.

“Justice isn’t always just,” I answered. “Sorry to burst your lawful good bubble, Shining Armor. You just did more good while breaking the law than you usually do while guarding the princess.”

“If I didn’t need the money, I would be gone,” he growled through clenched teeth. “You’re lucky I don’t lock all of you up!”

I didn’t answer. Hell, that kind of killed the entire conversation. I didn’t feel bad about it; I knew what we did was right. I just didn’t want to piss him off any more.

We got to the bank in silence. The dogs led the way inside. A griffon manager quickly walked over to our group. “What do you need?” he asked, looking at the boss. It wasn’t every day you saw a group like ours walking in, and usually when you do, you know you have some high rollers.

“I need to make a quick withdrawal,” he answered. “Thirty thousand bits.”

Every face in the room turned toward us. The griffon gaped. He finally managed to get control of himself. “Come with me, sir. Alone.”

The guard dog gently set the boss on the floor, and the griffon led him to a side room. A few minutes later, they returned to the foyer. “Just a moment, please.” The griffon let off a piercing cry. Three naga guards immediately entered the room. They saw us and drew their weapons. “None of that,” the griffon quickly said. “These are customers. I just need your help with an order. Come with me.”

The naga put their weapons away and followed the griffon as he led them to a back room. We were getting even more stares now, as people from different rooms further back came to check out what the noise was.

Nearly ten minutes of silence later, the griffon returned. The naga each carried a bulging and clinking sack of bits. Their muscles rippled out as they hefted the incredibly heavy bags. They were set on the ground in front of us. “Do you need a receipt?” the griffon asked the dog.

“Yes. It would be good for the records.” The griffon nodded and went to his little side office. The dog turned to us. “There are your bits. This bank is famous for never shortchanging, so don’t worry about missing any. You are free to go.”

Shining Armor grabbed one of the bags with his magic and walked away without a word, the bag trailing behind him.

Kumani hefted one over her shoulder and looked at me. “Kumani, I can’t pick that thing up. Do you think you could…” She grabbed the last bag and it went over her other shoulder. “Thanks, doll.” I turned back to the dogs. “Nice doing business with you.”

With that, we left the bank. When we got a few blocks away, I said, “Those twenty thousand bits are yours. I don’t need any more money. Well, I’ll take about a hundred bits to cover some things I need in town. Other than that, the rest is yours.”

“Cool. In that case, let’s head to my place.”

“Take the lead, then. I know I don’t mind watching that nice little tail of yours wag.”

She giggled and got past me just as a pink stone whirled at me from the side. It hit me and I turned into a chick. Pinkie trotted up and caught the stone before it fell. “What’s in the bags?” she asked.

“Nails,” I answered. “A lot of them. We’re getting paid a few bits to move them around.”

“Why would anypony put nails in a cloth sack?”

“Beats me,” I answered. “Are you enjoying the party?”

“It sure would be a lot more fun if more of my friends were here… Or if you’d play with me more. You and Kumani keep going on all the adventures without me!”

“Well, the one earlier was dangerous. There was a reason we were in a bubble. Speaking of which, you have my permission to go normal Pinkie if it means you get your freaky powers back. There are some people that aren’t very happy with me right now, and they might strike out at you.”

With the sound of a balloon being blown, her hair exploded and a brilliant smile appeared on her face. She immediately started skipping instead of walking. “Thank you thank you thank you!” She took in a deep breath. “This party’s gonna be so much more fun now!”

I put a finger on her lips to silence her. “You still need to behave. I know you understand the difference in making trouble and having fun. Apparently you learned that difference at the first Gala you attended. The same thing applies here. Stay in public areas unless you get an invitation to a private one, and please don’t go anywhere without too many ponies without asking me first. I know that’s a lot to ask, but the people I just pissed off are very powerful and would not hesitate to slit your throat. So by all means, have fun, just be careful and use some common sense.” That might be a little much to ask of Pinkie, but I trust her more than I would most of the others.

She saluted while still bouncing, somehow. “You got it, Miss Navarone ma’am!” God, that gender change thing is annoying.

“Hey Pinkie, have you seen any lens-crafting places in town?”

“I’ve seen three. One in the naga quarter, one in the pony quarter, and one in the dog quarter.”

“Damn, you’ve really done some exploring. What about white or blacksmiths?” For those that don’t know, a whitesmith is someone that works in light colored metals.

“Those are everywhere! But if you want something fine, you’ll have to use the one in the dragon quarter.”

“I know this is a low chance, but what about leather workers?”

She grimaced. “There aren’t any of those anywhere.”

“Didn’t think so. What about a place where I can get a good strap of something? Or some really strong fabric?”

“Nav, you can just buy goggles.”

“Not to fit my face, I can’t. And I need these made for special things.”

“Then check the pony quarter. Though this entire thing seems silly.”

“Pinkie, why do you care about anything that seems silly? You’re Pinkie!”

“Oh yeah! I’m still getting back in the mood. Give me a few more minutes.”

“Take your time. Kumani, how far away are we?”

“It’s only been a few minutes. Take a guess.”

I shrugged. I wasn’t in any real hurry. “Pinkie, I can find all the shops myself. Thanks for the help.”

“No problemo!” She didn’t go anywhere, though. She just continued bouncing next to me. “So where are we going?”

“Dragon quarter,” I answered. “I don’t know how welcome you’ll be where we’re going.”

“Not very,” Kumani said back to us. “Nav can get in easily because he’s—or she’s—Nav. You… might be able to get in.”

“Why would dragons need nails?” Pinkie asked.

“So they can hang pictures,” I answered. “I mean, have you ever tried driving a nail into a rock wall? You ruin a bunch of them like that.” Most dragons live in caves.

“I guess that makes sense. But why would you hang a picture when you could just put in a desk and get a different kind of frame?”

I shrugged. “Tradition, I guess. I know better than to question dragons.”

“If you say so,” Pinkie said doubtfully.

We continued in silence. I had no doubt that Pinkie wanted to talk more, but she knew me; I don’t usually enjoy the constant discussions of frivolous topics. Honestly, I’m quite surprised she was still around.

Thankfully, the crowd thinned as we got closer to the dragon area. There was still a large number of ponies, since this was one of their cities, but most of the other races started disappearing from the roads. Dragons aren’t exactly known as the most hospitable bunch, after all.

And a lot of the dragons were staring at the bags Kumani was carrying. I wouldn’t be overly surprised if they could smell the gold within. I casually unhooked my crossbow and held it at the ready. The wooden one couldn’t pierce a dragon’s hide, but I wouldn’t doubt for a second that this one could. It would give them a nasty hole to brag about, that’s for sure.

“I’m somewhat surprised they give your people houses,” I commented as we walked. “Wouldn’t your claws damage the floors?”

“Normally, yes. But the hosting city of the party goes to great lengths to ensure that doesn’t happen. Magic is usually involved.”

All was looking good for us until our group was stopped in the middle of the street by a male dragon a little taller than Kumani and in a full suit of plate armor. “You, Navarone. I have heard reports of you kissing a dragon yesterday. What have you to say to this?”

“It was a dare, nothing more,” I answered. He leaned back at my voice; he was probably expecting something a bit more masculine sounding. “A fool of a friend of mine dared him to do so in public. Given my past… transgressions of that nature when it comes to the dragons, I dealt with his crime myself. I truly hope you fear no repeat of the incident.”

“A dare… tell me, who was the dragon that defiled himself in such a manner?”

“He called himself John.”

“I do not know him. That might be a false name.” He turned to Kumani. “You, dragoness. Would you happen to know the name of the one that did this?”

“I do not, Purifier.”

He looked at the bags she was holding. “And what is in those?”

“Gold,” I answered. “Twenty thousand bits. Earned by the two of us. You can check with the dog boss; he kept a receipt for the money. There was another in our group, a unicorn by the name of Shining Armor. He earned ten thousand for himself.”

He nodded slowly. “And what did you do to earn this money?”

Kumani answered, “Navarone captured the dogfather. I aided him.”

“If he captured the boss, why was the profit spread evenly?”

“Because I am a fair man,” I answered. “Just because I did most of the work does not mean their efforts weren’t just as important.”

He crossed his arms. “Why then is she carrying the load for you, though?”

“I’m not strong enough. My strength lies in my weapons and my mind, not in my body.”

He grinned. “If only you were in the horde. We could use more thinkers rather than brute muscle.” He turned to Pinkie. “You. What is your role in these events?”

Pinkie was sitting on her haunches, eating popcorn taken from who knows where. She looked up at his mentioning of her. “I’m the comic relief!”

He blinked and looked at me. I shrugged. He looked back at Pinkie. “Continue the good work, pink one.” He turned to Kumani. “They are welcome in our holds. If any deter you, tell them Purifier Echo vouches for them. But… if I find that you are lying about any parts of what you told me, I am coming for you, dragoness. And just because you are a knight of another nation, Navarone, do not think you are safe from me.”

“I have no worries,” I answered.

“It is good to find one so carefree,” he answered. “Continue on your way. I will look into these matters further.” He left, walking down the way we came. For anyone wondering what just happened, it was later explained to me that dragons have a version of guard called Purifiers that make sure dragons don’t just go willy nilly and fuck shit up. Sure, back in the old days, that was accepted as appropriate dragon behavior. Nowadays, though, dragons tend to hold themselves accountable for such destructive actions. And thus, Purifiers were made. They keep draconic laws and make sure that dragons follow the laws of whatever land they are in. I don’t know what the name was about.

“You told me those were nails,” Pinkie said. There was no accusation in her voice.

“I did,” I answered as we continued on our way.

We got a few meters when a thought hit me. “Kumani, what did you tell Shining Armor when he asked about your male body?”

She stopped like a brick. “I told him…” Her head whirled around to see the back of the purifier fellow turning the corner. “Oh fire… I told him I was my brother!”

“I don’t think it would be a good idea to let that guy find out about that. Pinkie, would you kindly go inform Shining Armor that he’s about to get a guest that he should not mention male Kumani to?”

She raised a hoof in front of her and looked it over. “I dunno, Nav.”

“Ten thousand bits,” Kumani said.

Pinkie didn’t budge, just continued looking over the back of her hoof. Kumani turned to me, desperation in her eyes.

I sighed. “Your practice date. Wherever you want. Two conditions: We have to both be free, and Shining Armor has to not say anything. Deal?”

“One date?” Pinkie asked, finally looking up.

“If the first one goes well, we’ll talk. But if the first one flops, there’s no need to go anywhere else. Fine?”

Pinkie took a moment to pretend to consider. “Wellll… Okay. But only because you’re my friend!” She held out a hoof to shake. I met it with my hand. Only when my hand touched her hoof did I realize we were both now male. I shook her hoof and with that she was merrily hopping down a side road, once again female.

“Will she make it?” Kumani answered.

I turned to her and grinned. “You don’t know Pinkie. For what it’s worth, I would trust her with more than my life. Now, let’s go. And you owe me for this.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She began to walk again. “Seems I tend to end up owing you a lot. How am I ever going to pay you back for all of this?”

“I’m sure I’ll think of something. Even if nothing apparent shows up, I can imagine that having a dragon owe me would be quite useful.”

“Oh, the indignity,” she mock-complained. “Whatever shall I do, owing such a pitiful creature?”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.”

She finally stopped outside of a large mansion. “This is it,” she said. “Can you get the door?”

I tried the handle. It opened with no problem. I graciously allowed her to enter first and followed behind her. When I had the door shut, I turned to check out the place. “Nice,” I said with a nod. “Why can’t I get a place like this?”

“Because you aren’t the daughter of a high ranking dragon. Now come, these bags are heavy.”

She walked into a back room. I shrugged and followed. “So how high ranking is this fellow?” Man, it’s just like me to accidentally find a ranking official and then fuck his daughter. Not necessarily in that order, though. My seed has graced, like, six noblewomen. I should start a tally or something, see if anyone can beat my record.

“Very. Let’s just say that there is a reason it would not be good if we were found out.”

“Is he here?”

“He might be in the pool. Or he might not. I don’t keep up with him.”

“He’s not going to try to eat me, is he?”

“Not while you’re wearing all that. He might kill you, strip you, and then eat you.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and skip meeting him. I’m allergic to being killed.”

“But not to being stripped or eaten?” she asked with a grin.

“Well, that depends entirely upon who’s doing the stripping and eating. For some, I have a very localized reaction. For others, not so much.”

She quirked an area that would be an eyebrow on a human. “And what’s the treatment for such a reaction?”

I grinned. “If we have time, I could always show you…”

When I left, Kumani was merrily counting bits. I had three hundred bits stashed randomly around my body. My crossbow was held at the ready, because I knew now that I was alone, I would make a very tempting target for anyone thinking to get revenge.

My first stop was the blacksmith in this quarter. I was hoping the order I had would be quick and easy. When I finally found the blacksmith’s shop, I found out that the order was not only quick and easy, but already done. “You mean I can just have these?” I asked, holding up the relatively large bronze rings.

The blacksmith looked up from his anvil. “Yes. They were made for… Well, that memory’s painful. Needless to say, I want them out of my shop. I’d like to never see or think about them again.”

I took a look at the rings again. If I had to guess, I would say they were wedding rings of some kind. Guess some poor bastard got stood up. I shrugged. “Thanks, then.”

He just looked away. As I walked out, I silently left a handful of bits on a counter. It should have more than covered the cost.

I whistled a sad tune as I walked toward my next destination: A lenscrafter. I was hoping they would have what I needed. I was looking to make sunglasses, of a sort; something to block out the blinding light from a flash-bang grenade. If possible, I was also hoping to get exchangeable lenses, so I could put regular glass in if I just needed goggles.

I was heading to the pony quarter first. The fabric shop/clothier was also there, and I was hoping I could get what I needed in one general area.

I managed to get into the pony area when I noticed that the street seemed to be getting emptier than I was comfortable with. I took a look around and noticed a few stares from alleyways. I shrugged and leapt into the air, soaring away from what was probably an ambush.

I landed in a nearby street and asked the first citizen I saw about the lens place. Thankfully, she was able to point me in the right direction. Even better, that direction was away from where I thought I was about to get attacked. When I found the shop and explained what I wanted—and showed her my bits—she quickly got to work. Apparently, lenses aren’t in big demand during events like this, and she was happy enough to help. She even helped me fit them into my frames, along with providing me a decent way to replace them with lighter glass if I needed to.

Nice lady. Shame it cost me way too many bits. Then again, it’s not like bits were of any concern to me.

She happily pointed me towards the fabric shop and off I went. I was making good progress when suddenly Pinkie!

“Sowhenarewegoingonthedate?” she said way too fast to comprehend, popping out of a flower pot.

When I got done jumping back and almost shooting her with a crossbow, I sighed and moved back to a regular position. I noticed that there was still dirt and a flower on her head. I pulled the flower off the top of her head and put it behind her ear. “I’m currently busy and thus not free. I suppose if you thought about it, this entire trip could be like a somewhat interactive date, given that I invited you here as my ‘date’ on the trip.”

“Nope, you aren’t cheating on this one! I guess I’ll just follow you until you aren’t busy anymore.” She shook her head to dislodge all the dirt. The flower somehow didn’t go anywhere.

“How about this instead: You go back to our rooms, look through the invitations we have, and pick the one that interests you most. When I finish what I’m doing, I’ll meet you there and as long as it’s within reason we’ll do it. Does that sound fun?”

“Hm… How about I stay with you instead, and when you finish we can go back and do that?”

I didn’t really like the sound of that for a few reasons. First, my suggestion would be faster; she could return to our rooms while I get what I need done. Then I could fly back quickly and we could go off. Second, her staying with me was more dangerous; if we got into a trap, I could fly away while she couldn’t.

But Pinkie is immune to logic. Or maybe it’s women that are immune to it. “Sure. No promise it’ll be fun, though.”

“Interesting things always happen around you. And you usually respond to them in just the right way to make them even more interesting!”

“I’d prefer boring things, personally. Anyway, I assume from your question that you got Shiny to not spill the beans.”

“Yep. I had to threaten to turn him into Shining Aegis forever, though.”

I didn’t want to know. “As long as it’s done and Kumani and I are safe, it’s okay. Although you know I gotta ask, why do you even want a practice date, Pinkie? Seems like you’re social enough to never even need one.”

“It’s not for me, silly! When was the last time you went on a date?”

Never. “...Alright, whatevs. Silly as hell and stupid, but that’s about what I’ve come to expect from you.”

“I’m glad I’m living up to your expectations! Oooh, candy!” We were passing a booth that had treats set up. I don’t know why she took note of this one, since we passed a few already.

Either way, she pounced upon it with gusto. Half the table was cleaned off by the time she was done, and she walked back up to me with a few cupcakes sitting on her head. “Try one! They’re really good!”

“Pass. First, they can’t be as good as yours. Second, I’m not going to be hungry much this trip, and I’m saving what hunger I will feel for meat. I’ll probably check out the griffon area sometime soon.”

“So what did you do that was worth thirty thousand bits?”

“Have you ever heard of a fellow called the dogfather?”

“Hmmm… Nope!”

“He’s a big crime boss. He runs pirate clans, drug pens, slave rings, and several other illegal things. He sent me a message saying he had kidnapped Taya. He does not know what Celestia can do when it comes to dragon messaging. Long story short, the Taya he had was a changeling. I got hired by the dogs to capture him and did so. Kumani and Shining Armor helped. All in all, it took us about three hours. Now there are bands of crooks roaming the streets looking for me, trying to get revenge. It’ll be fun.”

“Sure sounds like it! Ooh, do you think those are some of them?” she asked, pointing to a mismatched group of figures wielding a bunch of nasty looking weapons. They were coming right at me, murder in their eyes.

“Pinkie, run. Don’t stop until you get to somewhere I would consider safe.”

She grinned what was possibly one of the scariest grins I’ve ever seen and pulled a frying pan out of somewhere. I sighed and raised my crossbow, quickly slipping my ring off. “Your safety is not my problem,” I said. “You get hit, you get hit.”

First target: Dog with a nasty looking whip. Shot him right between the eyes and he fell, tripping the pony behind him. I dropped the crossbow and pulled a knife off the belt I was now very happy that I left outside of my shirt. It went into the chest of a pony. They were straight up charging, now.

“This would be a good time to point out that I don’t know how to fight,” I calmly said. Normally I’d be running away by now. But with Pinkie standing her ground…

She—no, he—grinned and hit me with the pink stone. “Then you get to follow my lead!”

There are much better times for this! I took another knife out and buried it in the chest of a dog. He clutched at it but quickly recovered. I had time to draw my sword before the other six were upon us.

Pinkie grabbed my free hand and whirled me around. I somehow kept the sword close in, making sure not to cut either of us. When he jerked me to a stop, my sword arm shot out and stabbed one of the fuckers in the face. I looked over at Pinkie to see that he bashed someone upside the head with his frying pan with his outstretched leg.

Just as one of the group went to hit me, I was being pulled somewhere else. The heavy mace went whizzing past me, just barely stopping from hitting the ground. Pinkie caught me and lifted me into the air and spun me, making me kick someone. When he stopped the spinning, he set me down and brought me in close. I jerked the sword out of the way to avoid hitting him and ended up slamming it into someone’s stomach. I saw Pinkie’s frying pan was in someone else’s face, sending teeth and blood flying into the air.

I noticed that the flower I put behind female Pinkie’s ear was now behind mine, somehow.

With a quick lick on my nose—because why not?—Pinkie pushed us apart, making us both just narrowly miss a scimitar coming between us. Pinkie’s push gave my arms a lift, making my sword contact the scimitar, which somehow broke when it hit mine.

The fellow held the broken sword up to his face in confusion. That made it pretty easy to run him through.

I turned to find that Pinkie had finished the last guy off himself.

Flo, what just happened?

“I… I have no idea. Don’t make Pinkie angry. And now’s your chance to make an impression on the rest of the brigands.” I looked around.

The pony that I had tripped with the dog was just lying on the ground, watching us in a form of fascinated horror.

I grinned and began walking toward him. I lifted the sword to my mouth and ran my tongue down the blade, licking some blood off and looking dead at the eyes of the pony. A yellow puddle began to form under him and he tried backing away.

When I was close enough, I slung some of the excess blood onto his face and he flinched back. I held the sword up and knelt down to his level. “I want you to deliver a message,” I told him. “You see these motherfuckers?” I asked, nodding at the dog body that he was just ahead of. He didn’t move. I grabbed him by the throat and held my sword up to his face. “LOOK AROUND, HORSE!”

His face jerked around the road before his eyes squeezed shut. “Tell the rest of your friends what happens to those that try to come after me. Now, unless you feel like either going to jail or joining your friends in the afterlife…” I let him go. “I suggest you get.”

He was gone so quickly that he left a dust cloud. I walked up to the dog, rolled him over, and pulled my bolt out. I cleaned it on his vest, grabbed his purse, and stood. I went to get my knife from the pony. Those done, I walked over to the group of bodies.

“This city needs better guards,” I commented as Pinkie passed me my crossbow. I noticed that she was back to being female. I grabbed the knife in the chest of the other dog and sheathed it. “Sun or moon, Pinkie?”

“Sun.” I pulled a bit out and flipped it. It was moon.

I unsheathed my knife and slit the throats of those that Pinkie knocked out. I cleaned my knife on the coat of the last one before putting my knife back up and turning to face her. I pulled the flower from my ear and dropped it on the body of the last one. “Shall we continue, then?”

I heard Shining Armor yell, “STAND DOWN!”

I looked towards his voice to find him standing at the head of a large group of pony guards. “Where the fuck were you ten minutes ago?” I called.

“PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NAV! I SAW WHAT YOU DID!” he yelled back.

I rolled my eyes. “Pinkie, look behind us.”

She did. I reached into a pocket. “Shiny, catch!” I pulled the makeshift pin and lobbed the flash bang grenade at him.

He actually did catch it with magic, and brought it very close in before I turned away and it exploded. “RUN!” Pinkie fucking vanished. I leapt into the air, flying toward what I was hoping would be Celestia’s current hangout. Given that she usually likes standing outside, it wasn’t that hard to find her. Somehow, Pinkie had beaten me there.

I landed next to them. “Sup, Sunny?”

She looked at me. “Nav, you have a little something… Oh, here, let me get it.” Celestia levitated a napkin or something over and wiped some blood off my face. “Now, what’s this about you assaulting a group of my guards?”

I shrugged. “Eh, you know how it is. Shiny saw me slitting some throats and figured those prisoners would have been better off in a changeling hive. You know that dogfather guy? Well, it turns out he had an entire criminal organization behind him. So these guys have been following me around all day, trying to catch me in an ambush. Well, they got bored of trying, so they straight up attacked us. They were quickly dealt with. Some weren’t quite as dead as usual, though, so I flipped a coin. Sun for jail, moon for death. Moon won. The only survivor was a messenger, hopefully sent to relay the message that it’s not worth fucking with me. Oh yeah, I didn’t assault them. I just temporarily blinded them. I suspect Shiny will be here soon, whining about me.”

Speaking of which… I slid my ring on.

“Navarone, you do realize what you did is pretty much illegal, right?” Celestia asked.

“You call it murder. I call it mercy. I know what their fate was, Celestia. And so do you. Which would you prefer: A quick death, or being used as food by changelings?”

“Nav, I’m not saying that what you did was wrong. I’m saying that it was illegal. And I can’t let you get away with it. Leave Shining Armor to me. He won’t like it, but you are more useful out of prison than you are in prison. But don’t think that doesn’t mean you’ll just get away with this. You will do a task for me when we return to Canterlot. A task you will not like. Just remember that you brought this one on yourself.”

“Can I be there when you deal with Shiny, then?”

“No. You and your date can go back to doing whatever it is you were doing. If any guards stop you, show them this.” Her horn lit up and a seal appeared. I took it and found that one side had a sun while the other side had an image of Celestia. It was essentially a large pre-Luna’s return bit. “Now go. You have already disrupted a very important party. Even if it is really boring.” That last part was muttered so that only we could hear.

“You got it, Celestia. Come along, Pinkie.”

“Nice seeing you, Princess!”

With that, we left Celestia to wallow in boredom. We also left several conversations forming behind us, probably about us.

When we got a few blocks away, I pulled us to a bench and said, “Pinkie, what you just did will probably catch up to you eventually. I know you, but even you don’t go through something like that unscathed. If you ever need to talk about it, remember that I’ve been through it too.” And much worse besides.

She quickly serious’d up and said, “Nav, I don’t need a shoulder to cry on. You do.”

“...What? I’m just fine.”

She slowly shook her head. “No, you’re not. Anypony can see it. Or at least, anypony that knew you before Egypt.”

“Uh huh. Well, since you’re currently fine—”

“Princess Celestia isn’t your friend, Nav,” she broke in. “She uses you and she’s going to keep using you until she’s used you up. You know she doesn’t care about your problems or what you’re going through, as long as you stay an effective tool.” Where the hell did this come from?

“I’m well aware, Pinkie. And I don’t want pity. Someone to talk to would be nice, but it’s for the best that I keep it inside.” To just me and Flo, I suppose. “I know you, of any of them, would be most likely to understand, but I’m not going to burden anyone. And don’t you dare say it wouldn’t be a burden, because I know that for a lie. Now, let’s get going.”

I tried to stand, but she pulled me right back down. “Nav, you would be the perfect friend but for one little thing. You know how to give and give and give… but you don’t know how to take. You’ll help anypony with anything they ever need, but as soon as you get hurt or you get in trouble, you refuse to ever go to us for help. And you know I’m not talking about for clothes or cooking. You know what I mean. You know me, Nav. You know how I feel about my friends. I tried doing what you’re doing once. The pain just builds and builds… You have to let it out!”

“I know, Pinkie,” I answered. I think she could hear the resigned tone in my voice. “God help me, I know. But I can’t. I’ve only done it once in my entire life, with Celestia. She was threatening me and I had no other choice. And it was probably the hardest thing I’ve done. Where I’m from, I was raised to never show weakness. From birth, I was raised that way. I grew to despise the idea of me showing it, and strove never to have to. And,” I said as I stood, “it’s killing me inside. We can talk more when we’re in private. But I don’t want to get caught by the guards, if they’re still looking for us. Now come, I want to get these goggles finished.”

“Pinkie promise we’ll talk about it later?” she asked, not moving.

“Sure, why not. Now let’s go.”

“Do the ritual!”

“No. My word is enough. You know that. Now come on.”

She sighed and stood. “You’re lucky I trust you.”

We started off toward… Wait. “Pinkie, I’m lost. Can you lead the way to the clothing shop or whatever it is we’re looking for?”

She took the lead. I wanted to ask her how she already knew this place so well, but I knew that wouldn’t end well. She’d probably spout off some strange song or something. I noticed something I really didn’t want to when she started bouncing off down the road, and I quickly began taking in the sights.

Flankfurt was a nice city, even if I had been ambushed twice already. It looked exactly like I pictured a German town would look like shortly before World War Two.

“You know, Nav, now that you’re a girl, you could get a dress. I bet you’d look so pretty!” Pinkie said. I looked at her and saw that she was now jumping backwards, looking at me as she spoke.

“Yeah, no, that’s not gonna happen. Just because I am physically a chick doesn’t mean everyone thinks I’m one. Most people that know of me know that I’m a guy. So if they see me in a dress, they’re going to assume I’m some kind of crossdresser or something. I don’t want that kind of image. It’s bad enough that the purifier fellow heard my voice like this. God only knows what he thinks about it.”

“Who’s God?” she asked.

“I might tell you later.”

“You always say that!”

“And it’s always true. I might tell you later. But I just as easily might not. And since later encompasses any time past what we’re in right now, I could tell you at any point in the future. So just because I haven’t told you yet doesn’t mean I won’t.”

“But… you aren’t going to.”

“Yeah, I know. What about it?”

“Why say that you might do something if you know you won’t?”

“Because I’m a bad person.”

Before I could react or even tell what she was doing, I found myself on the ground. It hurt a lot more than it would as a guy, what with my fucking breasts in the way. Pinkie just giggled as she picked me up and somehow managed to get me across her back. “Onward!” she said, continuing to bounce.

My eyes shot open as soon as she hit the ground. That shit hurt! I opened my wing and on the apex of her next jump I hovered off her. I dropped to the ground with a sigh and wished I could rub my private areas in public to try to get them to stop hurting.

Pinkie quickly noticed that I no longer graced her back. She looked around, trying to find me. I don’t know why it took her so long to notice that I was standing behind her. “Why’d you get off?” she asked.

“Because your jumping hurts me like hell. I think I prefer to walk. Or fly, if you were a pegasus.”

“But walking is so boring! Why don’t you try skipping, like me?”

“I’m not a fan of skipping. It never ends well for me. And now that I’m a chick, I imagine that it would end even worse than usually.” I began walking again, and didn’t take long to pass her immobile form. “Coming, Pinkie?”

“You’re no fun sometimes,” she answered as she matched my pace with her skipping.

“I know. I can’t be a bundle of joy all the time. Sometimes I just have to make sacrifices.”

“You really should stop lying, Nav. Ooh! You need a girl name!”

“No I don’t. Navarone is androgynous.”

“Hm… You look like a Katie!”

“How do you even know human names?”

“How about Femanon?”

“That isn’t even a fucking name. Navarone and Nav are the names I will answer to.”

She gasped really loud. “I know, I can call you Pinkie!”

“That’s your name.”

“I know, that’s how I know it’s such a great name! You can be human Pinkie and I can be pony Pinkie!”

“Let’s not do that. In fact, let’s pretend you never even brought that up.”

“If you get a female name… I should have a male name!”

“Bubble Berry. Now can we drop this?”

“Ooh, that’s a good one. What about the rest of my friends, Pinkie?”

I didn’t answer. I wasn’t going to fall for her tricks.

We were passing a party area when Flo whispered, “Nav, stop.” I stopped and looked around. Pinkie continued skipping a few feet before stopping as well. “There, the piano.” I looked into the party area and saw the piano sitting there, unused.

What about it?

Pinkie spoke up, “What’s wrong?”

Flo whispered, “Go to it. I want to try something.”

I started walking toward the piano, stepping around ponies and other races that were mingling in the area. Pinkie was following me. I idly noticed that she wasn’t skipping anymore.

“Nav…” Pinkie said as I sat down at the piano. “What are you doing?”

“Navarone, put your hands on the keys and close your eyes. Relax.” I did what she said as she said it. “This might feel… odd. Please don’t try to fight it.”

I felt something course down into my hands, moving my fingers and lifting my arms to play an old tune. It seemed hauntingly familiar, but I couldn’t tell what it was. It was a sad, sad song.

After half a minute of playing, I felt my mouth open and a voice not my own crept out, singing in a language that sounded like a mix between French and Latin. I have no idea what it was saying, but from what I could hear of it, it was beautiful and depressing.

Nearly four minutes into the song, my eyes opened automatically and I saw Pinkie looking at me from the other side of the piano. When I saw her, she jerked back in surprise, a hoof rising to her mouth. The song ended shortly after, petering off into a very marked silence.

I blinked several times, freed from Flo’s control. What the fuck was that?

She didn’t answer. Hell, after controlling me from so far—which I thought she said she couldn’t do—she was probably too tired to do much. When I stood up and turned from the piano, I saw that everyone was staring at me. Normally I would have told a bad joke, but I couldn’t think of one.

So lacking that option, I instead decided to walk away. I heard a few people crying in the audience as I quickly exited into the nearest side street and walked away at a speed that many would consider jogging.

Pinkie didn’t take long in finding me. She didn’t comment on the performance at all.

“Shall we get back to finding the shop?” I asked after a few minutes of mindless walking.

“Yep!”

She took the lead again and once again we set off to find the shop. I was hoping that would be the last damn distraction; the sun was getting close to setting and I wouldn’t be surprised if the place was going to close soon.

Thankfully, we did make it before the place shut down. “Fucking finally,” I said as we got to the entrance. The inside of the shop reminded me of Rarity’s place; a bell even rang when we stepped inside.

“Coming,” a male voice called out. If he’s not gay, I’m not certain I trust him making anything for me. “What can I help—YOU!” he shouted, looking at me.

I looked behind me to make sure he was shouting at me. “Me?” I asked, turning back to face the pony that was now in my face. I jerked back a bit.

“Yes, you! I saw your form earlier, fighting those ruffians! Such beauty, such grace! And all hidden in those… ugh! I offer you the chance of a lifetime! Let me make you something perfect for you, clothes that would perfectly fit your lovely frame!”

“Yeah, no. Long story short, I’m a guy. Short story long, I have magic gender changing stones that my pink friend here is currently in charge of. So my gender is fluctuating a bit right now. Meaning when I leave this place, it’ll probably be as a guy. So no, I don’t need whatever you’re offering to make me.”

He blinked and pulled back. “What?”

I reached into my pockets and pulled out the goggle frames. “I need to connect these two so I can have a good pair of goggles. I also need something around the insides so they won’t hurt against my face. Think you can do that?”

He looked to Pinkie, who lifted a hoof to her head and did the little universally accepted motion for crazy: a little circle next to one of her ears and a funny face.

The guy turned back to me with a smile. “I see, you jest! Come, let me measure you!”

I looked at Pinkie to see that she was nodding, still smiling. I sighed. “I’ve done worse. I swear to God, if you have anything pink in there, I’ll add you to the list of things I’ve killed today.”

“Worry not! I know a warrior such as yourself would not wear such a color. Now come, come!” He led me and Pinkie to a back room that looked eerily similar to Rarity’s creative room.

I suppose I should describe the guy, since it would make a bit more sense when I start mentioning how he used his magic to float stuff. He was a short, dark blue unicorn with orange eyes and white hair. Seems like an odd combination, but the person in charge of deciding that stuff never consults with me first. I couldn’t tell if he was gay or not.

“Now, I need you to remove your clothes,” he said. I shrugged and started removing stuff. With all the belts, it took me a minute or two. The only thing I left on was the ring.

Pinkie was in my face as soon as I removed my shirt. “What are these?” she asked, standing on her hind legs and putting her front hooves on my breasts.

“Sensitive!” I answered, pulling back and covering them with an arm. “Lie on your back.” She hopped over on her back, looking up at me. I poked one of her nipples. “These are those. Or those are these. Either way, female humans have them in a different place and they’re usually much larger.” I stood back up and looked at the guy. “Can we get on with this?”

“Of course!” A few measuring tapes began to float over and he measured my body. “Hm… What about this ring? Would you mind taking it off?”

“Yes, I would. Whatever you’re making will have to accommodate it.”

“I think I can manage that.” All the measuring things pulled away. “You may clothe yourself.” I did so, setting all of my weapons up for my annoyingly female body. “Now, about those goggles you needed…”

I pulled the frames out yet again. “Yes, I need these to go around my eyes without letting any light in, and I need them to stay around my head for as long as I need them. They’ll be going through heat, water, and high stress from flying. Think you can do that?”

“Of course! I can even make them look wonderful!”

“Don’t. I want them to look unassuming and unoriginal, just a standard part of any flier’s kit.”

He pulled them away from me and looked them over. “Why is the glass dark?”

“To help block out light. When can I come by to pick all of this up?”

“Two days.” He listed off a price. “Does that seem fair?”

“Doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t. I have the bits to cover it. I’ll be back in two days. Come along, Pinkie. Let us leave the artist to his work.” It was at that point that I realized I didn’t catch his name. I also didn’t care. He merrily bowed as we left his shop.

And ran right into a group of royal guards. “Aw, shit.”

A familiar looking night guard stepped forward. “Navarone, we’ve been ordered to bring you to Princess Celestia.”

“Smiles?”

He grinned. “Yep. Don’t worry, Nav. You aren’t in trouble. She just wants to talk to you about Shiny.” He looked at Pinkie. “You can come if you desire. The princess said you weren’t required, but were allowed.”

“Wherever Nav goes, I go! At least until I get that date I was promised…”

I shrugged. “Lead the way, Smiles.” He did just that, the guard contingent forming up around us. “So what’s with the numbers?”

“Luna somehow found out about the attempts on your life. She was not very happy with her sister letting you roam the city alone.”

“While I do appreciate the guards, it’s a bit too late for that. Pretty sure I dealt with the brigands already. You’re cool, but I don’t think I need the rest of them.”

“You’ll have to take that up with Princess Celestia,” he answered. I just sighed and we continued in silence for a bit. “I have to ask, though… What’s wrong with your voice?”

“Long story, most of which is unimportant. I’m temporarily a girl and I swear to God, if you laugh, I’ll hurt you.”

“You always seem to lead such an interesting life… ma’am.”

I punched his wing, since that was the only part of his body I could get to that wasn’t covered in armor. “Just remember that you owe me. I helped you win that bet, if I recall.”

He blinked before grinning. “The bet was about a fight, not a breakup. But… yeah, you did. Wasn’t worth it, though.” His smile disappeared. “The princess was inconsolable for a few days. She put on a brave face for you and her sister, but as one of the only guards she had that knew you, I was very frequently summoned to her presence and then sent away without a word. If you don’t mind me asking… what happened?”

“It involved blood and pain and fetishes I have nightmares about.” Well, I would have nightmares without Flo. “Essentially, she showed me what she thought about me, and that wasn’t something I wanted any part of. If she can show me later that she changed, I might give her another chance.” No I won’t. “I trust she’s better now?”

He nodded. “Yeah, though I think she’s still sad about it. That week she declared you a harlot and fiddled with the dream machine to make everypony dream about you was… ugh.” He eyed my hands. “Though I have to say, you can certainly do some… interesting things.”

“Are you saying that she did that on purpose?”

He looked away. “Yes. We weren’t supposed to tell anypony.” He looked back at me. “But then, you’re not a pony, are you?”

“Damn right I’m not.” I stretched my hands, looking him up and down. “You want to make Luna really jealous?”

His eyes widened when he realized what I meant, and he blushed and stammered. He finally managed, “N-no! I value my life and job more than a night of fun. Besides, I thought you weren’t… into stallions.”

“I’m currently a girl, remember? Besides, what’s one night if it’s for a good cause?”

“Making your princess upset is a good cause? I’d hate to see the land where you come from.”

“Man, we don’t even fucking have princesses. Or princes. Or royalty of any kind. Doesn’t matter. Did Celestia say what she wanted? Or is she just going to find another way to waste my time?”

“You shouldn’t be so quick to say the princess is wasting your time, Nav,” he answered. “You might be a friend to many of the guards, but if they hear you talking like that, bad things might happen.”

“Less threats, more answering of the question.”

“She didn’t. Just that it involved Shining Armor and that we were to find you.”

“I’m getting real sick of that prick. Did you know that he got pissed at me for slitting the throats of unconscious brigands today?”

“Probably because that’s murder,” he answered with a shrug. “But given where they were going to end up if they were left alive… It seems a mercy, to me. I would have turned my eyes away and let you do it. Though maybe that’s why Midnight is in charge and not me.”

Why don’t I know that name? “Midnight? I don’t remember ever meeting him. He’s the captain of the night guard?”

“Yes, she is. The reason you haven’t met her is because she sticks to the city, actually working in Canterlot instead of doing whatever it is Shiny pretends to do. That fool may be the face of the guard, but Midnight Blossom is the backbone and the brains. She has been itching to meet you, but both of your schedules are erratic. You’ll definitely get to know her during the war games coming up, though. Just… be careful about flirting with her. I know how you are.”

I shrugged. “I’m attracted to danger. But fine, I’ll be careful.” Doesn’t mean I won’t try, of course.

It was then that I noticed a lack of pink. I looked around and saw Pinkie attempting to chat up some of the guards around us. She was having limited success with the night guards, but no luck at all with the day guards.

“So where is Celestia, anyway?” I asked.

“In her living quarters. She generally retires as the night comes.”

We continued in silence until another question occurred. “So why you?” I asked. “Surely you have some manner of life in Canterlot. Why are you here?”

“Princess Luna sent me. She knew you wouldn’t take kindly to having guards, and hoped having me would soften the blow. I know how you operate, and accepted on the condition that this week I get paid double.” He shrugged. “A week of light duty and double pay seems fun to me.”

“I’m sure you’ll find something to do. No offense, bro, but I don’t want a fucking babysitter.”

“You won’t hear any complaints from me. Just means less work, and maybe I can actually enjoy this party.”

“It’s good to know my well-being is so important to you.”

“Well, you’re going to be awake all the time and I’m going to be suffering from teleport lag, so I can easily follow you around for a while if you really want.”

Teleport lag, for those that don’t know, is like jet lag but worse. Pinkie was probably also suffering through it, but Pinkie is Pinkie.

“Nah, calm your nips; I’m just fucking with you. How far is it to Sunbutt’s abode?”

“We should be coming up on it soon. Also, would it kill you to show a little more respect?”

“Yes.” He just shook his head.

Pinkie popped up right next to me. “Are we there yet?”

“Are we still walking?” I asked.

She looked down to make sure. “Yep. So are we there yet?”

“No,” I answered.

“Actually,” Smiles corrected, “we are.”

“No, we’re at the building. We aren’t at our destination, unless Celestia’s coming out here to talk to us.”

They both rolled their eyes. “Just always gotta be right,” Smiles said.

“I know!” Pinkie agreed. “But she’s cute, so I put up with it anyway.”

Smiles giggled at that until I punched him again. “What did I do? She’s the one that said it!”

“I’m not supposed to hit gi—wait, I am one now!” I spun around and punched at Pinkie, only to find she was no longer standing there. She was pounding on the door to Celestia’s building. We joined her there. The rest of the guard detachment took up positions outside as we were beckoned in. Smiles followed me and Pinkie.

The servant fellow led us to a sitting room that thankfully didn’t look anything like the one I was going to destroy back in Canterlot. Celestia was already there with tea. “Hello again, you three,” she said. “Come, sit.” Pinkie bounced up to a couch relatively close to the princess. I sat on one across from Celestia. Smiles stood between me and Pinkie. “Navarone, do you try to make my life hard?”

“Depends. Did you try to ruin mine?”

“This is the third time I have had to remove memories from Shining Armor’s mind because of you. He was calling for you to be banished to Tartarus, you know. As a prince, it was well within his rights to demand it, and to see that demand done.”

“And yet here I sit. You are not as pure and good as you try to make your ponies think you are, Celestia. I am what I am because of you, and don’t even try to pretend otherwise. It is only fair that you take responsibility for the actions of your slave.”

“Slave… I offered you friendship, Navarone. Why do you deny me that?”

“Because your offer came tainted with things you had no right to demand. But I don’t think this is a discussion you want to have in front of those that still believe you worthy of the love you hold. And you didn’t call me here to tell me that you wiped Shiny’s mind.”

“Do you want guards?” she asked.

“No. I believe it is too late for them; the brigands have likely been taken care of and I’ll not be seen as weak by needing guards.”

“After your performance today, I am hesitant to leave you unguided, if not unguarded. I understand why you did what you did—or at least what you gave as your reasoning—but it is still against the law. And I can’t always protect you. Speaking of which, I need my seal back.” I fished it out of a pocket and dropped it on the table. “Now, I need to know: Are you planning on behaving for the rest of this party?”

“I almost never plan to misbehave. Sometimes it just happens that misbehaving is the best option. So yes, I do plan on being good, but no promises.”

“I should have expected nothing else.” Her horn lit up and an envelope appeared. She flew it over to me. I stuck it in a pocket. “Navarone, usually when I give you letters, they are for you.”

“And I was always raised thinking it was impolite to open and read a private letter in front of others.”

“Open it.” I rolled my eyes and did so. I quickly read through it. It was an invitation to some ball or something, a themed event to be held in a few days. “I want you there,” she said when I looked up.

“Why?” I asked, folding the invite up and passing it to Pinkie.

“Members of every race present will be there. That means changelings and dogs. I want this ball to go well, which means the changelings and dogs will have to be either kept apart or forced into peace. You have a very high reputation with every race, or at least every race’s elite. I want to use that reputation to either make a peace of sorts between the changelings and the dogs or to at the very least keep them from coming to blows.”

“Do I have to go?”

“No. But your… date looks interested.” Pinkie did, actually. She was staring at me with puppy dog eyes, tears just ready to begin falling if I said no.

I turned back to Celestia. “No promises. Is there anything else you needed?”

“Why are you a female?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “I pissed off Pyrite. He couldn’t punish me in the manner he wanted to. He gave my punishment to Pinkie. She had taken my stones. My punishment is that she gets to use them on me randomly during the week.”

“Pyrite always did like eccentric punishments…” Celestia commented. “Be male for the ball, if you attend. And Pinkie, do not lose those stones.”

“No problemo! I keep them where I keep everything.” We all wisely decided not to ask.

“Then you two may leave. Night guard, I have words for you.”

When Pinkie and I got outside, I said, “Did you notice how she didn’t even offer us tea?” The guards moved to follow us as we walked away. “Guys, cool it. Wait for Smiles; he’ll tell you whatever you’re supposed to do.” They shrugged and returned to their positions.

“Would you have accepted if she did offer it?”

“No, but it still would have been polite of her. I suppose that’s what I get for having high expectations. Now come on, let’s put you to bed.”

Her gaze on me went half-lidded. “Are you going to join me?” she asked in a sultry tone.

“No. I’m sure we can find someone to keep you company, though.”

She sighed and went back to skipping. Thankfully, it didn’t take us too long to get to our apartment. I noticed that we had a flood of new letters.

I sighed and walked over to the table and began sorting through them. Some were for Pinkie, but considerably more were for me. “They should color code these envelopes,” I commented as I began opening them. “I have no idea which race sent what.”

Pinkie joined me on the couch soon after I began reading through the first one. She plopped down across my lap and reached for her own pile.

She made it through her pile a lot quicker than I got through mine. When I finally reached the last letter, I saw she was reading through some of those I threw aside. “Well,” I said, “anything you want to go to?”

“The princess’s ball.”

“Then that’s your date. Most of the rest of these damn events look boring as hell. I apologize in advance for this, though; there’s a chance I’ll have to divide my attention during that ball thing. Now, you need to go to bed.”

“Aww, do I have to?”

“No, but I’m going for a flight when I leave, so you’d be on your own.” I poked her in the side. “Either way, you need to get off my lap.”

She got off my lap, only to move so that she was sitting down in front of me, her body between my legs. “Can we at least have some fun before you go?”

“No.” I tried to stand up, but her forelegs gently pushed me back down.

“Please?”

“No. Now let me go.”

One of her hooves began moving to a place I wasn’t comfortable with. “Pretty please with su—urp!” She cut off when I grabbed the top of her mane and ripped her head up, putting a knife right next to her throat.

“No. Means. No. Move your hooves away from me.” She did so immediately. “I’m not a pony anymore, Pinkie. You can’t take advantage of me like that, not now.” I pulled the knife away, let her go, and stood. “I might see you sometime tomorrow. Have a good night.”

The only answer she gave was throwing the blue stone at me as I left and locked the door. I hummed a song I recognized as the one Flo played earlier as I flew away.

This party thing was off to an interesting start.

Chapter Fifty-Nine—Wuthering Ponies

Chapter Fifty-Nine—Wuthering Ponies

I designated one squad to hold on the left and I picked another squad to go inside with me. We began moving to the library proper. At the five minute mark, we entered. The library was still open. I went to the front desk. “Can I help you?” the mare behind the counter asked.

“Ah, yes. I’m looking for the meeting of the crime bosses. Can you point me the right way?”

She blinked. “Um. There’s a section on organized crime…”

“No, no. I’m looking for the crime bosses. Like, the actual people.”

“I… I don’t think I can help you.”

I shrugged. “You might want to leave the library, then. I’m going to find them and when I do, it isn’t going to be pretty.”

“Uh… Are you… okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?”

“I’m just… gonna go sort books now…”

I turned to the dogs. “Alright boys, looks like we’re doing this the hard way. Look for anything that doesn’t belong.”

The squad leader nodded. “You heard him, dogs. Fan out. Report any side doors. Report anyone you find. Move.”

The squad leader took one troop and went to the right. Two more went left. One stayed with me. “Alright, come on,” I told him. He shrugged and began following me to the center of the very nice library. I saw that there were a few ponies still inside, reading. I jumped on a table. “Anyone not involved with organized crime should probably leave!” I called out. “Anyone that is involved in organized crime, would you kindly step forward?”

I got a lot of weird looks from that, and no takers. A lot of ponies did leave, though. Some retreated further into the stacks. I looked at the dog before jerking my head towards those that fled into the stacks. We began sprinting after them. They led us right to a secret door hidden in a bookcase that swung shut right behind them.

“My my… Go get the others.” The dog ran off.

I started looking over the book titles. I didn’t see how they opened it, but I assumed there was some manner of switch. Flo, suggestions?

“Start pulling books off the shelves.”

I started doing just that. Soon, the bookcase that hid the door was empty. Worth a shot. The dogs finally got to me. “There’s a secret door behind this bookcase,” I said. “Break it down.”

I stood back as one guard walked back a few feet before rushing at and through the bookcase. He stumbled a few feet down some stairs before catching himself. “There are probably more entrances somewhere in the building. Let’s hope the others find them. Everyone, get in there,” I said. They began moving down the stairs. I followed.

It took us a few seconds to get to the bottom, where a hall led down to a door that was being opened by a very angry looking dog. He saw our group and his eyes widened before he slammed the door shut.

“Stop at the door,” I said. “Move, but watch out for any kind of traps.” They did as I said. I pushed my way to the front of the group and tried the handle. It was locked. I knocked and got no answer. I shrugged and used my enchanted key to unlock it. I pulled a canister out of my pocket, pulled the pin, opened the door slightly, threw it in, and closed the door. “Brace it,” I ordered the closest dog. He put his shoulder against it.

Half a minute later, I put my goggles on. “Stand aside,” I ordered. He backed up and I opened the door, stepping inside. Several people of all races were on the grounds, clutching at burning eyes and burned skin. The gas was cleared enough for the dogs to come in. “Bind them,” I ordered. “I don’t know who is important and who isn’t.” In minutes, we had several prisoners bound and gagged.

“What about pony with horn?” one of the dogs asked, pointing to a unicorn.

“Knock him out or break his horn off, I don’t care.” None of the prisoners were unconscious, mind. As soon as the unicorn heard me say that, he freaked the fuck out.

“NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING, ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

I started walking to the dog with the gaudiest clothes as the guard picked the unicorn up and slammed him onto the ground, knocking him clean out. I knelt down to the gaudy prisoner. “Where are the bosses?” I asked. There were two doors leading out of here.

“Go to Tartarus,” he spit.

I sighed. “Look. It’s easy: Left or right. If you give me the wrong answer, bad things happen to you. If you give me the right answer, less bad things are going to happen. So I ask again: Where are they?”

He growled before saying, “Right.”

I looked up as the door to the right opened and the cats walked in. I looked back down at the dog. “Wrong answer.” I pulled my knife out and stabbed him somewhere randomly in the body and he began screaming too. I wiped the blood off on his coat as I stood. “Gag him,” I told the dogs before turning to Jocasta. “Report.”

“We found a secret door and followed it here. We haven’t found any guards at all yet.”

“Looks like we’re going left. Squad leader, you and three dogs stay here and guard these prisoners. Everyone else, to the left door.” They all went. It was locked. Kat moved to take care of it and I let her.

A moment later, she pulled away, concern on her face. “It’s magic. I can’t do anything to it.”

I pulled my key out and opened it. I stood to one side and pushed the door open, quickly jerking out of the way in case anything shot out. Nothing happened. I looked at one of the dogs with us and jerked my head down the tunnel. He went off. Rock followed right behind him. I followed them. The rest of our little group followed.

We entered a long hallway with another door at the end. “Again, watch out for traps.” The dog turned his head to me while he was walking, just in time to miss a bolt that shot out right at him. It stuck into the wall as the dog jumped back into Rock. “Kat, do you know how to trap check?”

“Of course. What kind of assassin would I be if I couldn’t?”

“Let her get to the front. Be ready to pull her back in case she fucks up. Step where she steps, don’t touch what she doesn’t touch.” We stepped aside and let her move past us.

She eyed the ground carefully. She put her arm behind her and said, “Pass me a spear.” One of the dogs in the room was carrying one. It passed hands until it got to her. She began prodding some places. A few traps triggered and we began moving up the hallway in that manner.

It took us fifteen minutes to progress down a thirty foot hall. She stopped at the door. “It’s locked,” she said, and pulled out her tools. A minute later she let out an exasperated sound and pulled away. “By my whiskers, the locks these goons have are insane!” I pulled my key out for the third time and opened it. “How are you doing that?” she asked.

“Magic. Without opening this door, can you tell what’s on the other side?”

She put her ear to the door and closed her eyes. “Silence,” she whispered before gently knocking. “Too thick… We can’t know.”

“Welp.” I pulled out another flash bang and said, “Everyone turn around.” After a moment’s hesitation, they all did. I made sure my goggles were on tight and pulled the pin, threw the door open, and tossed it inside.

Right into a dragon’s face. It exploded as I said, “Fuck me.”

The dragon roared as it was blinded. I slammed the door shut as his flames hit it. “DOWN THE HALL! MOVE!” Everyone began sprinting back the way we came as the door gave in. I felt fire licking my back as my cloak burned off. I cleared the hall and jumped to the side in time to see a jet of flame shooting into the room.

When it died down, I peeked around the corner and saw the dragon blinking, trying to see what the hell happened. I patted myself for pockets before I realized that all of my human weapons were in the cloak.

The cloak that was now on fire in the middle of the hall, burning.

My eyes widened. “AWAY FROM THE HALL!” An explosion cut off the questions and everyone pooled at the far side of the room. “Cover your eyes and your nose. Don’t breathe in any of the vapor. Stop breathing if you have to.”

I had mustard gas in one of those canisters. I also had thermite and more flash bangs and several other things.

And that’s when the dragon started thumping down the hall. In case there is any confusion, this was a teenage dragon, larger than Kumani but still small enough to easily get around. We heard a contemptuous laugh as he continued. That laugh quickly turned to choking as he began taking in fumes. And then it turned to a noise of shock when there was another explosion.

I sighed. “There goes the Molotov…” It sounded like the dragon began slowing down, at least. “Good, the gas is getting to it.” I reached down to the nearest prisoner and pulled a bandana off him. I wrapped it around my head and pulled my crossbow up and walked to where I could see him. He was stumbling down the hall, trying to clutch at his throat and continue at the same time.

I grinned as I lined up a shot. I happily plugged his head. The bolt went in a few inches and the dragon stumbled back, clutching at the wound. He fell and triggered a trap that we somehow missed on our mad flight and a large blade fell from the ceiling and sank about a foot into his stomach. His wheezing cut off as he clutched at his wounds. I reloaded.

I nodded. “Dogs, get these prisoners out of here. Into the library proper, and then leave two guards and come join us. Cats and Minnie, sprint down the hall as quickly as you can. Cover your noses and keep your eyes closed as well as you can. Don’t breathe in at all. Move.” I slung my crossbow and drew my sword as we began sprinting down the hall. I stopped just long enough to put the dragon out of his misery before getting to the end. We got into a small room with a single other door. “Shall we?” I asked, waving a hand at the door.

Rock was closest. He tried it and found that it was locked. He hissed and pulled his hammer up. “Enough sneaking around!” He swung his hammer into the door and it blew off its hinges, showing a large room with about fifteen very concerned looking people on the other side.

I stepped inside. “Ahem. Gentlemen.”

There was general bedlam as each pulled out weapons.

“Now, now,” I said. “You know what we had to do to get here. Do you really think you can resist us?”

“I’d rather fight and die than be tortured!” one of the ponies answered. All of the bosses nodded at that.

I sighed. “Remember, two hundred gold for any living ones.”

With that, I shot one of the unicorns in the face and backed into the hall as the cats jumped into the fray. I quickly reloaded and took out another unicorn as it tried to use magic on one of the cats. I reloaded again and killed the final unicorn. Three of the other bosses noticed my contribution and rushed at me. I was in the doorway and I didn’t have time to reload, so I threw the crossbow at one to slow him down and drew my sword, backing up a bit so only one could come at me at a time.

The first one to do so was an earth pony, who quickly tried bucking me with his hind legs. I jumped back and he overextended, ending up on his belly on the floor. I turned my blade sideways and thwapped him on the side of the head with the flat of the blade. He went down and I stepped up in time to meet the blade of the dog swinging it with my sword.

He grinned when he noticed my two handed stance and when he saw how much effort it took for me to block his one handed strike. He pulled back and swung again and I barely managed to block. I pulled back to try for my own hit when his offhand punched me dead in the chest and I stumbled back, the armor thankfully taking most of the damage.

He pulled his paw back, grimacing in pain at punching metal. He didn’t waste much time in coming at me again, though. I was wary of his tricks and started dodging his blows rather than blocking them. I took a one handed stance and drew my knife just as the other dog stepped through the door and joined his companion in utterly ruining my day.

“Aw fuck,” I muttered as I saw them both. They grinned and began attacking. I dodged one attack and parried the other with my sword, knocking it away. I swiped my knife around to try to catch the one that I parried in the side, but he jumped back and tripped over the pony, ending up back in the other room on the floor. The other swung at me again and I dodged right into the fist that caught me in the jaw, throwing me into the wall.

His sword went on a collision course with my chest and I knew I was either dead or out of the fight when one of the guard dogs pounded out of the hall and tackled the boss attacking me, sending them both crashing onto the pony. The friendly dog pounded the face of the evil one until the boss couldn’t move anymore.

The rest of the squad filed into the room at that point and I realized how badly I was shaking. “Go!” I ordered, barely managing to point at the door. They nodded and joined the cats.

I drew a shuddering breath before nodding and sheathing the dagger. I walked into the next room to see several dog bosses on the floor, many with pools of blood around them. Kat was on the ground, writhing in pain. Rock was bleeding from several wounds but he looked like he was having the time of his life as he squared off against three of the bosses at once. Miguel and Jocasta were attacking another two, standing back to back with a dagger in each hand. Minerva was dueling one boss. The friendly dogs were rushing to reinforce the cats. From what I could see, the situation was well in hand.

I knelt down to check on Kat. I rolled her onto her back so see that she had a deep gash in her side. “Ooh…” I hissed. I jumped to the closest downed boss and ripped his shirt off. It was already covered in blood, but that wasn’t really an issue. I quickly wrapped it around Kat. She cried out in pain when I moved her, but she didn’t hinder my efforts. I tied the makeshift bandage as tight as I could get it and she hissed.

I looked up and saw that all the bosses were down. “Rock!” He looked up from where he was prodding a boss. “Take yourself and Kat to the nearest hospital. You both earned your pay, but you can’t collect it if you’re dead.”

He looked to Jocasta, who nodded. He sighed and rolled his eyes before gently lifting Kat up and sprinting back down the hall.

“Alright,” I said. “How many of these guys are still alive?”

The squad leader began checking on his side of the room and I began checking on mine. We were left with six survivors of the original fifteen. One of those was in a pretty bad shape. Two were ponies, three were dogs, one was a cat. I collected my crossbow and looked around. “Check the doors. I swear to God if there’s another fucking dragon…” There were two other doors leading out. Several tables in the room had gold, drug-type things, and a few other objects scattered around.

Miguel moved to one door and yanked it open to reveal a closet. “Huh,” he said, stepping inside. He shrugged and stepped back out. “I guess big bosses gotta have janitors too.”

I shrugged and nodded to the other door. One of the dogs opened it to reveal a long hallway.

I looked around our room. “Any takers?” Everyone looked away. I thought. “How much rope do you guys have left?” I asked the dogs. One of them produced a long coil. “Tie it around one of the dead bodies. Enough so that we can pull it.” The dog nodded and found one of the least damaged bodies and wrapped a line around it and tied it tight. He stood, looking at me. “Two of you pick the body up and hurl it as far down the hall as you can. Then slowly pull it back.” Two of them stepped up to the body and picked it up. Together, they ran to the door and hurled the body through. It flew about halfway down the hall before landing and falling flat with a nasty thud.

One of them began slowly pulling it in, triggering every trap in the hall. The body was pretty seriously fucked up by the time it got to us.

“Remove the rope and pick a different body. We’ll go down the hall a ways and repeat the process.” They did just that with the same results. When we finished, the hall was clear of traps.

Since subtlety was no longer required, I let one of the dogs bust the damn door down. It flew into the room and hit a pony guard. Everyone in the room turned to us. “Surrender,” I calmly said as I walked into the room.

They looked at each other. “They pinched the bosses,” one said.

One of the ponies eyed me. “IT’S HIM!” he screeched before running to one of the other doors. I looked at him and recognized him from the ambush with Pinkie.

The others apparently heard about it as well, because they wasted no time following the pony down the hall, retreating. The only one that stayed was the pony that was hit by the door. I think one of his legs was broken.

“Follow them,” I ordered. The dogs began pounding after them on all fours as the rest of us followed at a more sedate pace. Demoralized enemies wouldn’t fight as well, after all.

We heard a screech at the end of the hall, where there were stairs. I picked up my pace to see what was going on. The pony at the top of the stairs had opened the hidden door to a very confused looking Kumani. She grinned when she saw our group behind them.

The guards in the middle looked between my group and their group before throwing their weapons down in disgust. “Dogs, bind them. Kumani, send your squad leader to get the other squad of dogs on the side of the building. We’re going to need them.” She nodded and the squad leader went off. “Jocasta, Minerva, Miguel, take this group and two dogs outside and guard them.”

“What about the unicorn?” Jocasta asked.

“Knock him out or break his horn off. I don’t care which.” Miguel smiled and the unicorn began screaming, his horn lighting up. Before he could do anything, Kumani shot her hand out and with a horrifying cracking sound, she crushed the horn in her grasp. The unicorn continued screeching. “That’s that,” I said. “Now shut him up.” One of the dogs gagged him, thankfully. “Take them away. Minerva, when the other squad gets here, lead them to the boss room.” They went. “The rest of you, come on.”

They followed me as I led them back to the guard room. I pointed at the door we didn’t open. “Kumani, open it.” She walked over to it and kicked it and it flew down the hall. We saw a staircase at the end. “Take your squad to check it out.” She nodded and they ran down the hall. One dog went up the stairs.

“Door!” he called. “Books on other side.”

Kumani looked back at me. “Clear,” she said. I gestured for them to come back. They did.

“To the boss room,” I ordered, pointing down the hall. The dogs obediently went, though some were hesitant about walking through a hall lined with traps. None triggered, thankfully. We got to the other side with no problems. “Take any documents you find,” I said, gesturing to the tables and desks. “Gold comes second. Don’t touch the drugs.” The dogs began rifling through desks and looking around the room for anything hidden.

“So what happened in here?” Kumani asked, checking out all the bodies. She poked her head down the hall and gasped when she saw the dragon.

“We found opposition,” I answered. “I asked them to surrender and they said no. The dragon… was not happy to see us.” She sighed, shaking her head. “Kat and Rock were injured so I sent them on out. We had no other casualties. What about you?”

She shrugged. “We found the secret door, but it was behind a stone wall. I had been trying to open it for a while before you showed up.”

“It happens.” I walked over to the closet and looked around. It did appear to be a janitor’s closet. Flo?

“I see nothing odd about it, Navarone,” she answered.

I shrugged and walked back into the main room. Each dog had a few handfuls of what looked like important documents. I heard a racket down the hall we came from and Minerva burst in, another squad with her.

“Grab the prisoners, the documents, and as much gold as you can carry,” I said. “In that order, of course.”

The squad leader looked around. “Which ones are alive?” he asked. I pointed them out and he nodded, ordering the dogs to get to work. When everyone had full hands—I grabbed the cat—we left, walking down the hall without a poison gas cloud in it.

“You know,” I said as we got outside the building, “I do not envy that janitor.”

Kumani nodded. “Me neither.”

When we got to the group of prisoners, I said, “Make the prisoners carry the bosses. Then tie them all together. Kumani, fly to the front of the building and tell the dogs on the other side to gather their prisoners and to meet us at the compound. You go with them.” She nodded before jumping into the air and flying over the building. It took the dogs a moment to follow my orders. “Alright, move them out. Guards on both sides and the front and back. Anyone tries to run, kill them.”

With the prisoners suitably chastised, we began to move. The ex-unicorn was trailing behind and slowing the group down, until I poked him with a knife. “If you slow the group down again, I’m chopping your dick off and leaving you here.”

He picked up his pace.

Almost no one was on the street anymore. There were a few guards that gave our group strange looks, but they never challenged us. I knew Celestia would hear about it, though.

The other group caught up to us when we were about halfway there. They herded their prisoners in with ours and we continued, me and Kumani providing overhead support.

Thankfully, we had no problems and got them all to the compound with ease. Kumani and I landed inside the gates.

The boss was waiting for us outside. “Fantastic,” he whispered, nodding. He turned to me. “Casualties?”

“Kat and Rock were wounded. I sent them to the hospital. We captured six bosses, recovered several documents and some gold, and captured several guards.”

He looked back to the group. “I see that. Why do you have so many guards but not as many bosses?”

“Because we ran into a dragon that destroyed my crowd control weapons. We had to get rid of them the old fashioned way.”

He nodded. “It’s a shame, but that’s the way it is.” He called out, “Get the bosses, documents, and gold inside. The unimportant prisoners stay here.” The dogs began moving things inside. A few minutes later, all the important prisoners and all the documents were inside. “I don’t need these others,” he said before turning to me. “Your choice. Kill them or give them to the ponies?”

“Give them to the ponies. It’ll be seen as a gesture of goodwill.”

He nodded. “Good idea, human. You heard him, boys! Take these prisoners to the prison.” Most of them looked happy at the idea of going to a pony prison. He turned back to his group of mercenaries. “I suppose you want your pay. Give me a minute.”

He went back inside. “Is he trustworthy?” Jocasta asked.

“He paid us for our first job,” I answered.

“He paid well, too,” Kumani added.

Minerva said, “Dogs always pay debts. We are loyal like that. The bank is closed, but he can give you each checks. That’s probably what he’s doing.”

A moment later, he came out with a few strips of paper. “The bank’s closed,” he said. “If you go to the bank at this address,” he said, holding up one of his papers, “they’ll redeem these checks. Nav and Kumani know where it is, so this is for you,” he said, handing the address to Jocasta. He then passed out checks. “I assume you two cats can get the checks to Kat and Rock. I put their descriptions on those, so if either of them dies of their injuries, don’t think you can cash them. Now, I’m going to bed. You’re all dismissed.” He walked back inside.

I turned to Kumani. “Ideas?”

“I’m also going to bed. Sorry. You’re welcome to come, if you want.”

I shook my head. “Nah. I need to go to my safe. Gotta pick up a few weapons to replace those I used. Thankfully I made plenty.”

Jocasta said, “You should also visit Kat, Nav. I think she would like that.”

Kumani growled, steam coming from her nostrils. “Chill,” I said. She relaxed a little, still glaring at Jocasta. “I’ll see you guys later. I’m going back to my apartment.” I jumped into the air. Kumani joined me in the air a moment later, but we flew in different directions.

I landed in front of my apartment and wasted no time entering. I saw that the light was off, which wasn’t a problem. Then I saw Pinkie sitting awkwardly in a chair. “Pinkie? What are you doing?”

She fumbled with a controller before light flooded the room. I saw that she was blushing. I also noticed that her hair was completely flat again. I shrugged and closed the door behind me.

“I forgot that you could see in the dark,” she said, still blushing a bit. “We need to talk.”

“Give me, like, five minutes. I want to get out of this armor. Or hell, we can talk while I’m getting out of it. Either works. What did you want to talk about?”

“I… I want to… I want you to know why Rarity and I did what we did.”

This’ll be good. I walked to a couch and started putting armor on it. “I’m listening,” I said as I took stuff off.

“I wanted to see you smile…” she started. “You were always moping, always alone and aloof. You never seemed to like my parties… Most of the ponies didn’t seem to like you either. When you finally became normal… You wanted to throw it all away. I got everypony to be so nice to you that week! Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash taught you to fly! Rarity used you as a model. The Cutie Mark Crusaders loved you. Everypony in town talked to you. But… But you still wanted to change back! I asked Rarity for advice and she said that we should show you some of the good sides of being a pony you hadn’t seen before. I… I just wanted to make you smile, Nav! That’s all I ever wanted…” She was near tears at the end.

You were both in heat… and that’s all you wanted. Right, totally believable. I crossed my arms. “It didn’t work.”

She gulped, looking down. “I know,” she whispered. “I’m so, so sorry… I just want you to smile, Nav… Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Anything at all?”

“No.” I grabbed the check and started to walk into the room with the safe, but she stopped me.

“Please! Please, Nav!”

“The answer isn’t going to change. You fucked up, Pinkie.”

She jumped in front of me. “There has to be something!”

I walked around her and didn’t say anything. She plopped to the ground. I opened the safe, set the check in it, grabbed a few replacement weapons, stuffed some paper and ink into a pocket, and went back to the foyer. Pinkie was staring at where I stood when I walked around her, tears gently streaming down her face.

I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have brought her. “Go to bed early. We have a date tomorrow, remember?”

I closed the door behind me as she started to wail. Kill them with kindness. I flew off into the night, leaving the house of despair behind.

Since I still hadn’t studied a map, I didn’t know where the hospital was, but it didn’t take me long to find a guard that did. We flew into the air and he pointed it out for me. I thanked him and went on my way.

I landed, went inside, and walked up to the front desk. The pony behind the door was the same pony from the library. “Nope,” she said as soon as she saw me. She turned and started walking further into the hospital. “Nope nope nope.” She continued saying that until she was out of sight.

A moment later, another nurse came out. “Lights said there was a monster out here,” she said. “Did you see it?”

I shook my head. “Nope. By any chance, does she work at the library?”

The nurse nodded. “Yeah. She moonlights here as a receptionist. While I’m out here, can I help you?”

“Yeah. Did a cat get admitted here an hour or so ago?”

She nodded. “Two of them. One was really bad off. We just barely managed to save her. The other one… Celestia, he was beaten up bad, but he was walking around like it was nothing! As soon as he got healed, he left.”

“Is the girl still here?”

“Yes. She’s resting.”

“Any chance I can see her?”

I heard one of her hooves tapping on the floor as she thought. “She didn’t have any other visitors… And we don’t know much about her. Don’t even know how she got hurt… Alright. She’s in room thirteen, through the right door. Can you answer questions about and for her?”

“I can tell you what I know.”

“Do you know how she got hurt?”

“Mercenary work. She was hit by either a sword or an axe, I think. I didn’t see it happen; I was too busy fighting.”

She grimaced, looking away for a moment before turning back to me. “Does she have any family in the city?”

“Nope. She has a few friends, but that’s it. I don’t think she ever even knew her family.”

“Is she violent?”

“She might not react well to waking up in a strange place. I can stay here all night, though. I’ll keep her calm, if you allow me to.”

“We can’t aggravate her wounds. She was really badly injured.”

“When will she be able to leave?”

“In two or three days, depending on how well she recovers. She’ll have to move tenderly, though; we’re good, but we can’t fix everything wrong with everypony. Does she have a history of stuff like this?”

I let out a laugh. “Something like that. It’s usually her doing the injuring—or more likely, killing. She’s such a sweet little kitty, eh?”

The nurse blanched a bit at the idea of having someone like Kat here. Or maybe at my callousness. “Is… is there any reason the big one left?”

“He’s a dick. Or maybe he wanted to go get her other friends. I don’t know.”

She shook her head sadly. “Alright. I don’t have any other questions.”

“See you later, then, miss nurse.” She nodded and went back to presumably find the receptionist. I entered the door on the right and kept walking until I found door thirteen. I let myself inside and saw Kat in her pitiful state, wilted and asleep on her hospital bed. She didn’t look like she was wearing any clothes.

I thought back and called up her words from right before she raped me the first time. “I remembered seeing you when you were unconscious,” I whispered, stepping up to the bed. “Stripped down. Helpless. Like a little wounded kitten.” I reached a hand out to stroke her fur. “I remember… And yet here I am. Why me, of everyone that could be here?” I sighed, stepping back from the bed. I grabbed a chair before realizing that there actually were chairs and sat down. I guess this is a bipedal room. I pulled a table over and began to write, Flo dictating to me.

I was pulled from my writing reverie when Flo said, “She’s waking up.” I actually wrote that on the paper before I realized she was talking about Kat.

I blinked and looked around, stretching. I saw Kat coughing lightly, trying to sit up. I set my quill down and hopped up, walking over to the bed. “Relax, Kat,” I said, putting a hand on her shoulder to keep her lying down. “You’re safe. Well, safeish.”

“What… where am I?”

“A hospital. You got hurt during the fight. I had Rock carry you to the hospital.”

She peeked under the blanket and gasped. “How long was I out?” she asked when she lowered it.

“Around eight to ten hours. Ponies have healing magic. You’ll still need to be careful and you’ll need to stay here for a little while longer, but the actual wound should be closed unless you aggravate it.”

“How did the fight go?”

“We got six bosses out alive. You were the only casualty. Jocasta has your check. Redeem it at the bank and you’ll get your money.”

She sighed, leaning back. “I don’t care about the money. I just wanted a chance to work with you again. To… redeem myself, perhaps.”

I chuckled. “You don’t need to worry about that. There’s no way I’ll forgive you, no matter what you do. You hungry? They might be serving breakfast now, and the nurses would be happy to know you’re awake.”

“W-what?”

“I asked if you were hungry.”

She looked away. “The pink pony… What is she to you?”

“Nothing. A friend of sorts, maybe. Why?”

She said, “She promised retribution if I so much as looked at you funny. She said she was guilty of worse than I and would go to any length to make sure nothing bad ever happened to you again. She said it with such a… a coldness… that I was scared out of my wits. At first, I wanted to avoid you, but when Jocasta told me you were concerned… I thought you had forgiven me. I wanted to prove to you that I’m more than what you saw on the March. I’m more than a mindless torturer, bent on pleasures of the flesh and killing.”

“I’m not a child, Kat. I know you aren’t. That doesn’t mean I won’t flinch whenever you touch me or feel my skin crawl whenever you look longingly at my wings. And that doesn’t mean you can go back in time and undo what you did. Now, are you hungry?”

She looked down. “…Yes.”

I nodded. “Alright, I’ll go see if I can find a nurse or something.” I turned to go.

“Wait.” I looked back. “Where are the others?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Rock left as soon as he got healed. I got here last night. A few nurses have looked in, but you haven’t had any visitors.”

She looked down at that and I made it out the door. When I had it shut behind me, I quickly found a nurse and asked, “Who’s in charge of feeding patients?”

“The nurse assigned to the patient,” he answered. “Who are you asking about?”

“The patient in room thirteen. She just woke up and is hungry.”

He closed his eyes, muttering something. A moment later he nodded, opening his eyes. “I believe the nurse for that room is Blackberry. She’s a black mare, a temporary volunteer. She’s… somewhere around here. Sorry I can’t help more, but I need to get back to work.”

“Thanks, bro.” He nodded and continued meandering down the hall. I started looking around for the nurse. I got several looks from staff that weren’t Blackberry.

“Can I help you?” someone asked. I turned around to see it was a guard.

“I’m looking for a nurse named Blackberry,” I answered.

“And can I have your name?”

“Sir Navarone.”

His eyes went wide. “I’ve heard of you! The princess is looking for you.”

I waved a hand. “She can wait. I need to make sure my friend is taken care of first. Do you know where Blackberry is?”

I heard a loud clopping behind me and I whirled around in time to barely dodge a black blur. She collided with the guard, sending both of them to the floor.

I walked over. The mare had a random berry as a cutie mark. “Blackberry, I presume?” I mused, helping her and the guard to their feet.

She giggled airily. “Yep. I heard somepony was looking for me and then I remembered that I had a patient I needed to check up on and then I got in a hurry and ran into you!” She somehow got all of that out in one breath. She ended it looking at the guard.

“Yes,” I said, “the patient in room thirteen is awake and hungry. I was looking for you to tell you.”

She gasped and began sprinting down the hall again. The guard and I watched. “She has a nice flank,” he commented.

“You’re just saying that because she was all over you a second ago.” She did, though. “I’m going to make sure she doesn’t kill Kat. I’ll find the princess later.”

He sighed and nodded. “Friends are important, of course. Just don’t keep the princess waiting long.”

I nodded and started walking back to Kat’s room. As I walked, I noticed a large collection of confused patients and nurses looking the way I was going. I assumed Blackberry left an impression. I just continued my walk.

It took me a few minutes to get there. When I did, I saw Blackberry busying herself around Kat, who took it all with a longsuffering silence. “Found your nurse,” I commented as I entered.

Kat sighed.

“Oh, don’t you worry!” Blackberry said in a happy tone. “We’ll have you up and well in no time at all.”

“She’d be better sooner if she got food,” I commented, scratching at the whiskers beginning to grow on my face.

Blackberry gasped and sprinted back out the door. I just barely managed to step aside in time.

Kat said, “She’s excitable.”

“Yep. I imagine she’d be a monster in bed. You should tell her that threesomes are part of a cat’s natural healing process.”

“Wouldn’t that be taking advantage of her?”

“Yeah, probably. Oh well. Maybe Jocasta instead?”

“But she knows that it’s not a part of cat healing.”

“I could tell her that it was a human custom.”

“She wouldn’t care. I don’t think she likes you.”

“I know. It’s a shame; I’d love to plow that little pussy.” I pulled a chair around to face her bed and sat. “So what have you been up to since I left Egypt? Still torturing people?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of undercover work. I can’t really talk about it.”

“Eh, fair enough. I’ve been dealing with changelings and crazy mares. It’s been interesting.”

“Not to sound… well, you do realize dragons are crazier than most other species, right? And that they grow to be pretty huge?”

“What I started with Kumani was meant to be a fling. She got attached and I’m starting to like her a bit more, too. She might go psychobitch on me eventually, but unless she straight up kills me, I don’t think I’ll have to worry too much.”

She smiled. “It isn’t you that she’ll kill. It’s all the other mollies that want you. Dragons are jealous lovers. Very greedy. Any female that catches your eye will likely meet a poor end.”

“I’ll keep that in mind if we progress far past the fling stage.”

She opened her mouth, but the door slammed open and Blackberry sprinted inside, a food tray on her back. She quickly set it down in front of Kat, who looked at it in disdain.

“What… what is this?” she asked, poking at a gelatinous mess.

Blackberry shrugged. “I dunno. The cafeteria lady called it soylent green and laughed. I know better than to ask questions about the food.”

“Is it safe for cats to eat?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t feed my cats any of the food here,” Blackberry answered. “But they could probably eat it. Why?”

“Uh. Have you even looked at your patient?” I asked.

“Of course I—OH CELESTIA YOU’RE A KITTY!” Kat jerked back as Blackberry suddenly got in her face. “I’ll play with you and pet you and dress you and—ooh!” She suddenly leaned back. “That explains why there was a tray of cat food in the cafeteria…” She grabbed the tray and sprinted back out.

Kat watched her leave with horror in her eyes. “Don’t leave me with her,” she whispered.

“About that…” I said as I began backing to the door. “I kinda have stuff to do today.”

“Please!” she pleaded. “Don’t leave me, not with her!”

“I can’t stay, Kat. I really have to go. I might be able to come by later, but no promises. Celestia needs to see me, I still need to get my pay, and I have a party I have to go to. Remember, you need to rest and stay dormant for a while. Now, I’ll see you later.”

“Wait!” The closing door cut off the rest of what she was going to say. I began walking to the entrance. I hopped out of the way of a speeding Blackberry and made it with no further troubles. I knew how boring it was to be in a hospital bed with no company, so I was planning on trying to stop by later if I could, but it made me smile to let Kat think she was going to suffer like that.

When I finally got to Celestia, she was too busy to make time to see me. She was meeting dignitaries or making out with foals or something. The guard wasn’t specific.

Given the lack of anything better to do, I went to find Shining Armor to tell him about the library. Someone would have to go down there and clean those bodies out before they started stinking.

I found him directing guards not far from where I found Celestia. He looked happy to see me. “I talked with Celestia,” he said.

I held up a hand and he stopped. “It can wait. There’s a bunch of dead bodies in the hidden tunnels of the library. You should probably get someone on that if it hasn’t been reported yet.”

He blinked. “What.”

I explained what happened. When I got finished, he sighed and said, “You have to stop doing stuff like this without Celestia’s permission, Nav. I understand that being a knight gives you some special privileges, but I don’t think one of them is being allowed to form a task force completely comprised of foreign troops to take out crime bosses in Equestria. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“Well, we had no casualties. They had plenty. I think it turned out for the best, all things told.”

“I didn’t deny that. If there is a next time, tell me first. At the very least I’d like to know so I can organize cleanup efforts before the bodies start to smell.”

“Fair. If I have the chance, I will. Now, about your talk with Celestia.”

“She told me… several things. I can’t for the life of me approve of them, but I know some of them were necessary. I know in my heart that she’s wrong, but she ordered me not to tell anypony about what was done to you.”

I crossed my arms. “In my world, when a couple gets married, many people call the married couple one person. They go from two entities to one. And Celestia ordered you to tell no one else of what you heard. But she didn’t say you couldn’t tell yourself.” I patted him on the shoulder. “I’m going to go find Pinkie. Think about it, Shiny.” He sighed. I took off, flying to my apartment.

I found Pinkie curled up on one of the beds. I didn’t know if she was sleeping or not, but it also didn’t matter. I walked over to the safe, opened it, and asked, “Are you awake?”

“Go ‘way,” she mumbled.

“Can’t. I need your help.”

“I don’t deserve to look at you.”

“Shut up, Pinkie. Come on, I can’t carry five thousand bits by myself.” She didn’t answer. “Look, I’ll give you five thousand bits if you help me.” She still didn’t answer. I sighed, set the check on the other bed, and sat down next to her. She started shifting away from me until I reached a hand out and started gently stroking her back. I couldn’t reach her belly, so I figured that would have to do.

“Why?” she whimpered.

“Because it kills you. It reminds you every day of what you did and how wrong it was. It makes you feel absolutely terrible.” I leaned my head down to her ears. “And you won’t leave because you know you deserve it.” I leaned back up and continued stroking her. “Are you ready to go?”

“Y-yes…” she whispered, sniffling.

I stood and grabbed the check. “Let’s go, then. Wait, can you carry five thousand bits?” She nodded, not looking at me as she got to her feet. I saw how muted her coat looked and how flat her hair was.

We got a few blocks down the street when I got an idea. “Pinkie, a friend of mine is in the hospital here. Do you think we could go cheer her up after we drop the bits off?”

“Can… can I throw a party?”

I shrugged. “Make it a muted one. She got hurt pretty bad and can’t celebrate. I don’t know how well she would enjoy one of your parties, but it might cheer her up.”

“Who is it?” she quietly asked.

“Kat.”

She stopped. I stopped when I noticed she did and turned to look at her. I saw how her pupils shrank and how the blue in her eyes seemed very prominent. “W-w-what happened?” she asked, her eyes returning to some manner of normalcy.

I shrugged. “She was helping me with something when she took a sword to the side. Cut her up pretty badly. She’s feeling pretty down; none of her other friends came by to visit her. I know how good of a friend you are, though. She would just love to meet you in a better setting.”

She laughed nervously. “I… Oh.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears again, and we finally continued walking.

“She has had a pretty hard life,” I idly commented as we continued. “Doesn’t have too many friends, either. Being trained as an assassin, torturer, and seducer does that, I suppose. She was probably taken from her family at a young age. It’s no surprise she wanted to see me as soon as possible when I got here; it’s a shame I didn’t take the time to talk to her more the first day. She seemed hesitant ever since. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“N-n-no…”

“Well, if you say so. Celestia did say you were one of the elements of harmony. I don’t know which one you represent, but surely a friend good enough to be one of the elements wouldn’t break any of the tenets.” She nervously laughed again. “Are you okay, Pinkie? You seem a bit off today.”

“I’m… I’m not feeling well.”

“I wish you had told me sooner! I wouldn’t have made you come out here. I can take you back to our room, if you like. Or we can go straight to the hospital and you can get them to check on you.”

“I’ll be okay…”

“I know what you said to Kat, Pinkie. And I do. Not. Approve. When we get to the hospital, you are going to apologize.”

She gulped. “You really are a terrible pony…” she whispered. “Your evil isn’t mean or direct. It’s acidic. It eats away at a pony until they just want to give up.”

I didn’t answer. We made it to the bank in silence. I passed the check to the teller, who looked at it in silence for several long minutes before looking back up to me, adjusting her glasses, and saying, “Let me go get my supervisor.” I nodded and she walked to the back.

The same griffin from before quickly walked out. When he saw me, he face-taloned before walking up to me. “Sir, can you come with me to a side office?”

I nodded and Pinkie and I both followed him. “When making any withdrawals over a thousand bits,” he said, “we have our clients fill out a form.” He passed a sheet of paper across the table. “Would you kindly fill this out?”

“You got a pencil or something?” He passed me a quill and a bottle of ink. I smiled at the questions on the sheet. Name, date of birth, race, hometown, town of current residence, how the money was earned, and which bank I had my other funds stored in. Half of my answers would mean nothing to him. I gave him a shit-eating grin as I passed the paper back.

“Um. Sir, how were you born almost a thousand years in the future?”

“I come from a different dimension. We use a different year system there.”

He blinked before reading more. “This town doesn’t exist.”

“Different dimension.”

“You… you earned this money killing… bitches?”

“Well, there was only one female dog, actually. That word means something else where I’m from too. It was mercenary work, clearing out a crime den. Captured around thirty-six criminals. Killed some others. I headed the company that attacked.”

He sighed and continued reading. “You don’t have a bank?” he asked when he looked up the last time.

“Nope.”

“So… what are you going to do with this money?”

I shrugged. “Give it away to someone that needs it, probably.”

He looked back down at the check. “Six thousand two hundred bits. And you would just give it away?”

“Yeah. I already got rid of the ten thousand I was given last time. It didn’t go to a particularly good cause, but whatever.”

He looked back down at the sheet of questions before looking back up to me before looking back down to the check and sighing. “Mister Navarone, how can you go from killing to giving your money away like this?”

“I like killing and I don’t care about money. I have enough for me to live off and that’s enough. However, there are plenty of people out there that need the money. So I earn it and give it away.”

He let out a small laugh. “A murderous philanthropist,” he muttered. “Alright, Mister Navarone. Your check is cleared. If you’ll come with me back to the front room, I’ll get your money together.” We both stood and all three of us entered the main room of the bank. He whistled sharply and the naga guards from before came out. He nodded to one of them before jerking his head and leading one of them to the safe. A few minutes later, they both came walking out, the naga carrying a large bag.

“Put it on Pinkie,” I said with a nod to her. The naga shrugged and gently set it on her back. Her legs wobbled a bit, but she held up fine. With that, we left. When we were a few feet away from the bank I asked, “So how many bits do you need, Pinkie?”

“N-none.” Her voice was strained.

“Think of all the parties you could hold with that much money. Think of how many smiles and laughs you could make.”

“I… I didn’t earn it.”

“But I did. And I like making people smile, Pinkie. However, I am not good at it. You are. I made this money and I should be the one to choose how it’s used. Is it truly so evil to ask that you make ponies smile for me?”

She whimpered slightly. “N-no…”

“Good. I expect you to be throwing a lot of parties when we get back, Pinkie. After we drop the bits off, we should go to the hospital. We’ll need to hurry if you want to see Kat before it’s time to prepare for our date.”

Flo whispered, “What you are doing is the worst kind of evil. I’m honestly ashamed to be inside of you right now.” She sounded very, very disappointed. I actually felt myself flinch at her tone. “You can look at her and tell how much she regrets what she did. She knows it was wrong and she knows she hurt you. Why can’t you just tell her that you forgive her? You don’t even have to mean it!”

Aside from pettiness… I didn’t have an answer. I looked down at Pinkie and saw how absolutely depressed she looked. I had been the nicest person and yet I was treating her like trash. Is this really what I’ve become? So powerless in my own life that I resort to bringing others down to feel better?

Now I felt bad.

We got to the apartment in mutual silence. I opened the door and let her in, closing it behind us. She slunk off into the bedroom and I followed. She let the bag of bits hit the floor and joined them on the ground, just looking down.

I sighed, looking at her. I felt my shoulders sag. “Pinkie, come here, please.”

She slowly got to her hooves and walked up to me, eyes still on the ground. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her. She flinched. I whispered, “I forgive you, Pinkie.” I felt her body seem to sag against mine and it took me a moment to realize that her legs gave out. I held her as she wept silently over my shoulder.

I don’t know how long we were there. When she finally pulled away from me, I saw that some of the color had returned to her coat. “Why?” she whispered yet again.

“I saw how badly you regretted it. I saw how bad you felt… I want to hate you, but I can’t. I want you to suffer… but you don’t deserve it.” I sighed. “I’m sorry for hurting you like I did.”

A bit more color returned. “That’s okay, Nav… I understand. Does that mean…”

I shook my head. “Not now, Pinkie. Don’t ruin the moment.” She sighed and looked away. “Now, we still need to visit Kat. Her nurse was a crazy cat lady and I don’t want to leave her like that.” Well, I kind of wanted to, but I wasn’t going to be a dick about it.

“Do we have to?”

“Yes. Now Pinkie yourself up. You’re just depressing like this.”

“It would be a lot easier if you…” She leaned in and whispered something in my ear.

I pulled back and saw she was grinning. “Dammit Pinkie.”

“That’s not a no-o-o!” she sang.

I sighed.

A few long minutes later, we were on our way to the hospital. Pinkie was back to her normal self, smiling a wide smile and laughing at a joke only she knew. I could tell from the way she was looking at me that she wanted me to ask.

When we finally got to the hospital, she asked, “Nav, do you wanna hear a joke?”

“No thanks.”

“Knock knock!”

“Nobody’s home.”

“Pinkie!”

“Go away.”

“Pinkie Pie!” She started laughing like it was the funniest joke in the world. Everyone in the waiting room was staring at her with confusion in their eyes.

I just shook my head and walked further into the hospital, going to room thirteen. When I opened the door, I saw a scary yet adorable sight: Kat had been meticulously groomed and a bow was gracing her head. She was glaring daggers at a Blackberry that was just talking and talking and talking.

“Damn, Kat. All dolled up just to see me?” I asked as I stepped inside. Pinkie followed me and giggled at Kat’s expression and looks.

When Kat heard and saw Pinkie, her ears fell back and she leaned back into her bed, trying to hide herself.

“Ooh, you have more guests!” Blackberry said, breaking off her mindless tirade of incessant chattering.

“Yep. Unfortunately, Miss Blackberry, I need you to leave for now. I need to talk to Kat about mercenary business, something people not in our company don’t need to know about.”

She blinked. “But… I am in your company! I’m right here.”

“Our mercenary company. The members of our group.”

Her perpetual grin widened. “Do you need a nurse?”

“Nah, we got a doc already. He’s good on help.”

She looked from me to Kat to me again. “If you have a doctor, why is she here?”

I crossed my arms. “I would tell you, but that’s company business.”

“But I’m in your company!”

I face-palmed. Pinkie giggled at my distress and said, “We want to talk to Kat privately.”

Blackberry giggled. “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so? I have other patients to see anyway.” She happily trotted out the door, finally not sprinting.

When she was gone and the door was closed, Pinkie said, “Geez, what an airhead.” With that, she sneezed and confetti came out.

Kat and I shared a longsuffering look. I pulled a chair over as she ripped the bow out of her hair and threw it as far away as she could get it. “I can’t believe you left me with her!” she said, her voice angry.

“Yeah well, you know. I brought you more company. Still no sign of Jocasta or Rock?”

She sighed, shaking her head. “I’ve been lonely. Well, I’ve been trying to be lonely, but that insufferable mare…” She bared her claws as she pantomimed strangling someone.

“If you want, I can check you out.”

She waved a paw. “You do that every time you see me anyway.”

“I can’t help it, you’re hot. But I mean check you out of the hospital.” I heard Pinkie mutter something. “What was that, Pinkie?” I asked, turning to her.

“Nothing, Nav!” she sweetly said.

“Uh huh.” I turned back to Kat and asked, “Did you ever get your weapons and clothes back?”

She nodded. “They’re in one of the drawers here.”

“Alright. I’ll go find the head nurse and ask her if you can leave. Pinkie, you stay here and try to cheer her up. And remember what I told you.”

Kat gave me a look of horror at that. Pinkie gave me a sad look, trying to make me change my mind. I left the room with them both staring at my back.

I wasted no time finding someone that looked like a nurse and asking, “Who can clear patients for leaving?”

She shrugged. “If the patient wants to leave, he or she can. We don’t like letting the sick leave, but we can’t exactly force them to stay. Just tell somepony that you’re leaving before you do.”

“I’m taking the patient from room thirteen home, then.”

She looked at me like I was stupid. “Why are you telling me?”

I shrugged. “Who else should I tell?”

“The patient’s nurse or doctor.”

I sighed. “Do you know where I can find Blackberry?”

She looked at me in horror. “Oh, that poor patient. She’s probably zooming through the halls. She does that a lot.”

We heard a loud clopping from down the hall. We turned to look and saw that it was Blackberry coming right at us. I sighed and stepped in front of her. She didn’t even try to stop, just collided with me and sent us both tumbling to the ground.

“You really should look where you’re going,” she commented, sitting on my stomach.

“While your flank is really nice, I’d prefer it not on my stomach.”

“Are you complimenting me or calling me fat?”

“I’m taking Kat out of the hospital. The nurse over there told me to tell you.”

She gasped. “Why would you do that? I want to play with her some more!”

“I have good reasons. Now, can you either get off me or move back a few inches and start rubbing?”

“You can’t take her if you can’t get up!”

“And you can’t play with her if you’re sitting on me.”

She sat up, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “It appears that we are at an impasse,” she remarked.

“You also run the risk of getting fired if we continue blocking the hall like this.”

“Hm…”

I grabbed the hoof she was using to keep herself steady on my chest and pulled it, making her tumble further onto me. I wrapped my arms around her and huskily whispered, “Not that I’m complaining. Think we could… take this somewhere more private?” I gently kissed the tip of her nose.

“Why would I want to sit on you in private? That just sounds weird.”

I’ve never met a girl so completely immune to flirting. At least Jocasta shoots me down. This girl just doesn’t even seem to understand it. The random nurse I was talking to before I got piledrived was shaking her head sadly at my attempt. “Don’t bother trying to flirt with her,” she said. “It all bounces off.”

I sighed. “Well, I’m bored.” I widened my legs, making her hooves lose contact with the floor, and rolled over so I was on top of her. I got to my feet and started walking back to Kat’s room.

Blackberry hopped up and jumped in front of me. “I’m not letting you take my kitty!”

I crossed my arms. “What’s her name?”

“…Miss Mittens?”

I walked around her. She jumped in front of me again. “What’s her career?” I asked.

“Um. Interior decorating?”

I jumped over her and continued walking. She jumped in front of me one more time. “How was she hurt?”

“Fell down some stairs?”

I knelt down, grabbed both of her cheeks, and kissed her. When I pulled away, she was actually blushing. “She’s my kitty,” I whispered. I let her go and walked around her again. She sighed and just walked behind me. “You know,” I said, “if you really like cats, you could move to Egypt. I’m sure more nurses and the like would be welcome there.”

“Why Egypt?”

“Because that’s the land of the cat kingdom.”

She gasped. “Kitties ruling a kingdom?! That’s so adorable! Is the princess an itty bitty cutesy wootsy kitty?”

“I don’t know if they even have a princess. I know the king was an okay dude. I helped put him in power, so he owes me quite a lot.”

“Hm… How many ponies are over there?”

“Fuck if I know. I’m not a travel guide. I know you couldn’t pay me to live there, though.”

“But… kitties!”

“Sure, they’re sexier than ponies. But they’re also considerably more dangerous. All in all, fuck that noise.”

“Psh. Kitties aren’t dangerous! You just gotta treat them right.” It amuses me that she didn’t deny that they were sexy.

I didn’t answer. Partly because we were there and partly because I didn’t care. I opened the door and walked into an icy silence. “Kat, get your clothes on. We’re leaving.”

“HAH!” Blackberry said, jumping in front of me again. “You don’t know her name either!”

“…My name is Katrina,” Kat said. “Kat for short.”

Blackberry blushed and looked away, her ears drooping. “Oh.”

“Now come on, Kat. You need to collect your pay while Jocasta’s still willing to give you the check. Killing people pays good, and you deserve the money.”

“HAH AGAIN!” Blackberry yelled. “I know such a cute little kitty wouldn’t kill anypony!”

Kat ahemmed. “I’m a professional assassin. I kill for a living.”

Blackberry’s eyes went wide as she whirled around, slapping me with her tail and staring at Kat as she got out of bed. I did my share of staring too; I had seen it all before, but that didn’t mean I didn’t like being reminded.

She reached down into a drawer, bending over just nicely. She pulled out a set of bloody clothes and sighed.

I shrugged. “Least you’re alive. Most people don’t recover from getting hit with an axe like that.”

“True enough,” Kat said. “But I think it was a sword. It was one or the other. Not like it matters.” She began putting clothes on. She stumbled when putting on pants, and Blackberry and I both jumped to catch her.

Pinkie somehow beat us both. I nodded and backed off. Blackberry said, “If she’s stumbling just from putting clothes on, she needs to be in the hospital.”

I crossed my arms. “Kat?”

“I’m not staying here,” she answered, gently pushing Pinkie away. She finished putting her clothes on and started pulling weapons out of the drawer. She nodded when she had everything. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Take a few steps,” I said. She walked towards me but stumbled on the last step. I caught her. “Okay, when you get back to your apartment, you aren’t leaving until you’re well.” I gently picked her up. “Pinkie, I’ll carry Kat back. Go get ready for the party. I’ll be at our apartment shortly.”

Pinkie asked, “Are you sure, Nav?”

I nodded. “I can move faster by flying.” I backed out of the door, making sure not to hit Kat on the edges. I began walking to the exit, Pinkie and Blackberry trailing behind. “Just like old times, eh?”

Kat smiled. “Except this time I’m hurt and you’re not flying yet.”

“And there won’t be a happy ending. Ah well. No reason to risk pissing Kumani off while you’re still hurt.”

“It doesn’t… hurt, per se. It just keeps seizing up.”

“If the nurses say you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. But you must stay in bed. No competing in the tournament. When you go to get your pay, make Rock carry you. He’s a big boy and can handle it. Don’t let Miguel touch you, though. That little fucker gives me goose bumps.”

“What is a… goose bump?”

“Evolutionary adaptation in humans. It alerts us to potential danger. They also show up when it’s cold. Essentially, they’re little bumps that push out on our skin. It’s akin to your fur standing up straight.”

We were finally at the door. I set Kat down for a moment to remove my ring and pocket it before grabbing her again. “Ready?” I asked.

“Of course! You know how much I adore flying.”

I turned to look at Pinkie for a moment. “Remember, I’ll meet you at the apartment.”

She was eyeing Kat pensively. She looked up when I spoke and nodded. “See you soon!”

I jumped and just barely managed to get into the air; it’s a lot harder to take off with a passenger. In a few seconds, we were high above the city. “So where’s your apartment?” I asked.

“Can we just… fly for a few minutes?” she asked, looking at me with what she probably thought was a cute cat face.

“Sure. It’ll take Pinkie a few minutes to get ready.” I lazily floated around the skies, giving Kat as much of a view as she could get in my arms.

When she got her fill, she said, “We’re in the building with the red roof.” She pointed to the general area and I saw what she was talking about. I dove at it, letting my wings make minute changes to the flight path until we were on a collision course with it. I slowly pulled out of the dive, ending with us slowly floating circles around it as I got closer and closer to the ground. “Jim will be happy to see you again,” she commented as we finally touched down next to the front door.

“Jim?” I asked, not recognizing the name.

“Jim Johnson. The king.” Oh yeah. The king with the most boring name ever.

“I don’t have too long to see him and he’s probably out anyway. He might be at the party I’m going to, though.”

She nodded as she waved the guards down. “He will be.” I ducked into the building. “I was supposed to go, but I don’t think I’ll make it like this. Jocasta will probably take my place.”

I grinned. “Shame. I can’t flirt with her this time; Pinkie demanded a date for her services in the past.”

“Ugh, that mare… I don’t know how you stand her.”

“With more patience than a god. I also take long, long breaks.” We were into the anteroom of the building now. “Which wa—holy shit.” That place was outright opulent.

She grinned at my reaction. “Some ponies go all out for royalty. Go up one of the staircases, it doesn’t matter which.” I could see that they both went to the same place, essentially; they started in one place and twisted until they ended up in the same. I shrugged and picked the left one and carried Kat’s battered form up.

When I got to the top, she pointed me left. I went that way and entered a long hall. “Which room?” I asked.

“Fourth on the right.” I carried her to it and pushed it open. Inside was a tastefully decorated room, obviously designed for a female. I set her down on the bed.

“You need anything before I go?” I asked.

“I can think of a way to make myself feel better…” she said with a smirk.

I sighed. “I wish. But I don’t have time.”

She waved a paw. “Not that. I meant having you raid Jocasta’s panty drawer.”

My eyes lit up. “Oh hell yes! Point me the right way!”

She grinned. “Across the hall.” I walked across the hall and put my ear to the door. I heard nothing. I tried knocking and got no answer. I tried the handle but it was locked.

I pulled out my key, opened it, and peeked in. It certainly looked like a room that might belong to Jocasta. I looked around quickly and stepped inside, leaving the door open. I walked over to the dresser and opened it.

My face went white.

This was not Jocasta’s room.

I very silently closed the drawer, walked out of the room, closed the door, and walked across the hall. Kat was smirking. When she saw my expression, she burst out laughing.

“Dried. Faces,” I finally said.

She stopped laughing. “Wait, what?”

“There were. Dried faces. In that drawer.”

Her eyes went wide. “What in the…” She gulped as her eyes flicked to my back, her ears dropping to her head. “Miguel…”

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists, saying a quick prayer before turning around. Before me stood Miguel, just staring. Not glaring. Not blinking. Just… staring.

“…Hi.” I said.

He didn’t say anything.

“Want to help me raid Jocasta’s panty drawer?” I slowly asked.

“That would be fun,” he answered, still staring dead at me.

That was the most awkward panty raid I have ever done.

Chapter Sixty—Date night

Chapter Sixty—Date night

When I finally escaped the cat house, I quickly flew to my apartment. I wanted to wipe that memory from my mind as quickly as possible. What I found when I got back was surprising enough to remove the event from my mind.

As soon as I stepped in the door, I got tackled from the side. Whoever did it was an inexperienced tackler, and before we hit the ground I had it on the bottom, one hand around its throat and a dagger in the other, ready to send it back to hell where it belonged.

Then I noticed the form under me had pink hair.

And then I noticed it was another human.

“S-surprise,” Pinkie mumbled, her voice coarse from being choked. She was still smiling, at least. I immediately pulled my hand away from her throat, but I didn’t get off her.

“Give me your arm,” I said, holding the dagger up. She presented it and I very gently pricked it. She bled red. “What in God’s name?”

“Who’s God?” she asked, her voice getting a bit better.

I sighed and stood, hauling her to her feet. She stumbled a bit until I caught her. I saw that she was wearing a spare outfit of mine, but it didn’t fit her very well; she was a bit chubby. I didn’t notice at the time, but her chest felt very nice against mine when I was on top of her.

“Don’t tackle me like that, Pinkie. Actually, don’t tackle me at all. Now, what the fuck?”

She grinned as I led her to the couch and sat her down. I backed away and stared at her, crossing my arms. “I know how you mentioned a long time ago that you never wanted to date a pony! I just wanted to keep your record clean.”

I grit my teeth. “When we get to the party, you’re turning back. I can’t stand the idea of so casually betraying your race! Why would anyone…” I sighed. “Doesn’t matter. Celestia will turn you back.”

Her grin widened and she shook her head. “Nope! She said it would take at least a day for her to build up the strength needed to turn me back. I’m stuck like this until tomorrow.”

I felt my wings sag. “Unbelievable,” I sighed, shaking my head. “Can you walk well? And can you use your fingers alright?”

She nodded, holding up a hand and wiggling the fingers. “The feet took me a few minutes to get used to and stairs might be hard, but you’ll be there to help me!”

“Well… I guess there’s no choice. Are you wearing that to the party?”

She looked down at herself before looking up at me. “What’s wrong with it? Other than it being really tight.”

“That is the problem. Where I’m from, clothes that show off as much as that does would be considered very slutty. Now, you won’t see me complaining, but it’s still bad form.”

She grinned. “So you like it?”

Dammit Pinkie. I took a moment to actually look her over. She was very cute, all things told. “Yes.”

“Pinkie do good?”

“No. You shouldn’t have done it at all.” She seemed a bit disappointed. “But fuck if you aren’t sexy. Now, we need to get ready to go. I’ll wear my armor so you can have some shoes to wear; you’ll need them. They might be loose or tight, but we’ll manage.”

“Why do we need to get ready so soon?”

“Because my armor is encrusted with blood and blackened from dragon fire.” Of course, it was already black to begin with, but the fire made it worse. “And you need practice walking with shoes. I wish we had time to get you proper female clothes… You’d be a beauty.” I shrugged and kicked my shoes off. I saw that she was blushing before I went to grab my armor from the pile in the corner where I left it. “Put some socks on before you put the shoes on,” I said as I began pulling armor into the kitchen.

I heard her scrambling around as I began scrubbing gore and smoke from my armor. It probably needed to be properly maintained, but I couldn’t make myself care. Still, it finally earned its keep; it saved me from that dog’s punch. I just wish I had another cloak to wear over it.

It took me half an hour to wash all the armor off. In that time, Pinkie walked around the apartment several times in my shoes, touching everything she could so she could actually feel them.

“I’ve never noticed how soft my mane was before!” Pinkie was commenting as she rubbed her hair and I put my armor on.

“It’s hair. Ponies have manes while humans have hair.”

“Well that’s just silly. What’s the difference?”

“Fuck all if I know.”

“Then why not just save words and call them both manes?”

“I’ll let the person in charge of English know that when I see him.”

She nodded as if that was the most natural thing in the world. And then she started rubbing my face, feeling the whiskers that I still needed to shave. “Ooh, they’re all scratchy!”

“They feel fine on my face. You wanna feel something neat?”

Her eyes went wide and she nodded. I gently grabbed the hands that were still connected to my face and pulled her into me, leaning down and kissing her deeply. Her eyes went wider before closing as she wrapped her arms around me.

I didn’t hold it long before pulling away. She was wearing a dreamy smile, a blush on her face. “Well?” I asked, smiling.

“That was… Wow,” she answered, her voice a bit husky.

I nodded. “I can imagine. Now, I need to finish putting my armor on.” She didn’t let me go, just continued staring dreamily at me. “That means you need to let me go.”

She blinked and did so, her smile turning back to normal. “The mane on your face doesn’t feel so bad anymore.” She went back to feeling things as I finished putting on my armor.

“Feels good to be in steel again,” I sighed as I began finding weapons and putting them on. I left the sword and took the axe instead. The crossbow also came, along with my knife belts. “Are you ready?” I called, hoping Pinkie would hear me.

She tried running in from the bedroom, only to fall flat on her face. She was up again in an instant. “Yep!” She started poking at her boobs. I had to stop myself from joining her. “That kind of hurt…”

“Your body is a bit more sensitive. You need to be careful with it. Now come on, we need to get going. And remember: behave. This is the princess’s shindig, not yours.”

She sighed and nodded. She immediately perked up and asked, “Can we fly there?”

“Do you have wings?”

She spun around trying to look before getting dizzy and almost falling. “No,” she groaned as I steadied her.

“Then only maybe. You’re going to be heavier than Kat, so it would be a lot harder to do.”

“Are… are you calling me fat?”

I poked her in the belly. “Feel your belly and then feel mine.” She poked her own before poking my steel cuirass. “Well, you know what I mean. Point is, you’re pudgy. And cats are smaller and lighter than humans anyway. You could probably ride a pony, but I might not be able to carry you. I can try, but no promises.”

She squee’d and jumped into my arms. I just barely managed to catch her. I didn’t immediately buckle under the weight, which was a good thing. I grinned. “This would be a lot more fun if we weren’t wearing any clothes,” I said as I started for the door.

“Well… no pony says we have to be on time.”

“Celestia would probably insist. You know how she is. Now get down; I need to lock the door and I can’t with you in my arms.”

She pulled the key that I keep around my neck out of my armor and over my head and pulled the door shut before locking it and putting the key back around my neck. “Happy?” she asked.

“Eh.” I tried taking off to find that I couldn’t get enough lift. I thought before nodding. “Step down, Pinkie. I have an idea.” She sighed and jumped out of my arms. “Stay facing that way,” I said, pointing down the street. She nodded and turned. I popped my neck before leaping into the air and soaring up a bit before looping around and skimming the street, grabbing Pinkie as I passed and getting us both into the air. “Hold onto me!” I called over the wind. She managed to wrap her legs around me. It wouldn’t last long if I lost hold of her, but it might get us to the ground if I somehow dropped her.

Thankfully, that wasn’t an issue; we got to the party easily enough, though we did get a number of looks. “Alright, a few rules for your human body,” I started. “First: Limit is three cupcakes or its equivalent in regular dessert. Second: Just because you can eat meat doesn’t mean you should. It would make you sick since you aren’t used to it. Third: Don’t touch random people. Okay?”

“Three cupcakes?”

“Remember how I can’t eat much sugar? You’re the same way. It would make you sick. Now come on.” She sighed as I led the way to the front door. She quickly perked up and wrapped one of her arms around mine, pulling me close. I didn’t fight it.

“Invitation?” the doorman asked. I noticed that for some reason his eyes were closed.

“How can you even see like that?” I asked.

He opened his eyes, outraged at what I said for some reason. When he saw who I was, he immediately cooled off. “Forgive me, Sir Navarone. You and your… There are two of you now?”

“Magical mishap.” I said with a shrug. “We good to enter?”

He sighed and nodded. “Of course. You and your date may enter.”

Pinkie seemed absolutely giddy about being called that for some reason. She somehow pulled me tighter and started leading me inside. “Remember,” I quietly said, “my royal duties come before our date.”

She didn’t answer. I wouldn’t have minded giving her a legitimate practice date; I did owe her, after all. That said, she picked this as her date knowing that I would be busy, so she brought it on herself.

When we got to the main room of the dance/ball thing, I was honestly shocked at how many people there were inside. It reminded me of the ballroom in Firefly. However, I didn’t have to give up my weapons and I wasn’t planning on getting into any duels.

Not a minute after we stepped inside, a servant delivered a note to me. I thanked him and pulled Pinkie to a wall so I could read it without anyone looking over my back.

“What’s it say?” she excitedly whispered, trying to peek at it.

I grinned as I read it. “We can enjoy the party for two hours before I have to do any work,” I answered, folding the note up and sliding it into my armor. “I leave the choice of events to you, my dear.” I knew when I said it that I was probably going to regret it, but I had been an asshole to her for the past few days, so I figured this would help make up for it.

I want to say something cheesy like ‘her grin lit up the room,’ but that isn’t the kind of person I am and I don’t feel that way for Pinkie anyway. She was definitely happy, though, and she expressed it by bouncing up and down several times in a way that I found most enjoyable to watch. When she recovered from her episode, she pulled me through the large number of partiers to the dance floor. I saw that Octavia was one of those that were playing. I gave her a small nod as Pinkie and I began dancing.

I’m very glad I have a lot of stamina. Pinkie wouldn’t let us stop dancing for half an hour. When she finally got tired—or more likely bored—she led me to a table and made me get her punch. She was smiling like crazy when I got back to the table. We were both getting odd looks, probably because most people that knew of me thought I was the only human. They didn’t know what to make of Pinkie.

To be fair, I often don’t know what to make of Pinkie either.

“Isn’t this so much fun?” she asked as she sipped at her punch in a most undainty manner.

“We danced for half an hour and now we’re sitting. How is that fun?”

“It’s the principle of the thing. I’ve always wanted to go to a fancy ball with my special somepony!”

“This is practice, Pinkie. That does not make me your special somepony.”

“Shush, don’t ruin it.”

“Also, when did you turn into Rarity?”

“You’re ruining it again!”

I sighed and tasted the punch. “I figured you would be more lively,” I said after a moment. “This might not be your kind of party, but it’s still a party.”

She sighed. “I got in trouble the last time I tried to Pinkie up a not-Pinkie party. It took me a while, but I eventually learned that a party can be enjoyed in many ways. Just because it’s not a Pinkie party doesn’t mean it can’t be a fun party!”

I shrugged and took a moment to look around the ballroom. I noticed the changeling delegation sitting off in one corner. Several dogs and griffins were sending glares their way. I saw a few cats and a small number of dragons and naga. Ponies were the most common.

I grinned. “Pinkie, you want to meet a king?”

“Is he a nice king?”

“You’d be hard pressed to find a ‘nice’ royal. They might act it, but most of them are cold and devious. But Jim wasn’t so bad, I don’t think. I didn’t have that many conversations with him, though.”

“Oooh, do you think he’d let me throw him a Pinkie Party?”

“Probably not.” Not if I could help it, that is. “When would you do that anyway? He rules Egypt.”

“Pinkie Parties always find you, Nav. You should know that by now.” Sadly enough, that’s true.

“Well, I hope you want to meet him; he’s coming this way.” Jocasta was with him.

“Do you want me to pretend to be an airhead for him?”

“…Pretend?” She kicked me under the table. She then pulled her foot back, rubbing at the shoe; I don’t advise kicking someone wearing plate mail.

“Ah, Navarone!” the king said. “It is good to see you again!” He looked pleased, but Jocasta didn’t.

I nodded. “Sup, bro?” He blinked. “Wait, shit. Hello, your highness.” He blinked again. “I’m not used to pretending to be respectful anymore. What do you need?”

He grinned and sat at one of the spare seats. “I see you found another of your kind. I did not know your people were divided as ponies are. Do any of your kind have magic?”

“Pinkie’s a human because of a mistake, a spell gone wrong. She’ll be normal again tomorrow. But to answer your question, no. We don’t have magic. We also don’t have wings.” I fluttered mine. “These are another magical mistake.”

He looked to Pinkie as Jocasta sighed and took the last seat. “What are you normally, then?”

“A pony!” she answered. “Can I throw you a party?”

The king gave her a confused look. “Why would I need a party if I’m already at one?”

Pinkie grinned. “You can never have too many parties! And no pony throws a party like a Pinkie Party!”

“Uh huh. Sadly, my schedule is full.” Pinkie’s gaze turned sour as he looked back to me. “Tell me, are you going to be free any time soon? There are things I could use your help with.”

“Here or in Egypt?”

“Egypt. I have no desire to draw the gaze of that pony princess anywhere near anything I do, so I will not operate out of this city.” He didn’t know the irony in his statement.

“I don’t know my schedule either. I know there’s a chance I’m leaving Equestria in a year, but if I do, it will be on personal business. Whatever you have planned, it won’t involve me.”

He sighed and muttered something. “A shame. Jocasta told me how well you handled controlling troops. No casualties, aside from our poor Kat.” He grinned. “And even she is recovering nicely, though she’s venomous as ever. I wonder how well you would do commanding troops as a general,” he mused.

“I don’t really know. That job was the first time I’ve ever had the opportunity to really lead. I advised and helped on the March, but most of that was Jocasta. I know there would be a big difference in directing men on an open battlefield against another general and leading a few squads against a disorganized crime group.”

He nodded. “There definitely is. Still, you never know until you try.” I figured I would have a chance soon, if I stuck around long enough for the war games. His eyes flicked to Pinkie for a moment before returning to me. “You know, if she really will be turned back tomorrow… Well, I’m sure it must be lonely for you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’ve come to terms with my entrapment in this hell,” I answered. “I hardly grow weary for company, even of the more… bawdy sort. Yes, seeing another kinsman is nice, but to me, at least, it is obvious she is a fake. She lacks all the mannerisms that to any human would be second nature.”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried. “That’s not true!”

“And what,” Jocasta said, “does she lack?”

“Watch her hands as she talks. They don’t move. Most humans make some manner of gestures as they speak. Look how she sits, perfectly ramrod straight. Every biped race I’ve seen has a relaxed posture when sitting; she isn’t used to being in that position. Look at her fingers: they’re perfectly straight. The normal position for most humans is to have them slightly bent. If you watch her face, you’ll see that all of her facial expressions are off slightly, or at least they are to me. She’s not used to having a flat face. Look at her chest. That shirt is uncomfortably tight and most humans would probably be picking at it, trying to pull it away from their skin. Look at her ears. They keep trying to twitch even though that does nothing for humans. There are other things, of course, but those are the big ones.” Whenever I mentioned a new thing, Pinkie would look at the offending item and try to correct it, or match my position. She couldn’t look at her face or ears, but as soon as I commented on her shirt, she shifted uncomfortably and picked at it.

Jocasta and Jim looked back and forth between me and Pinkie. “I don’t see it,” Jim finally said.

“That’s because you aren’t a human,” I answered.

Jocasta nodded. “I see it. Or some of it, at least. Still, I imagine those hands could be put to a good use…”

I made a scratching noise on the table as I balled up my fists. “She’s not yours, Jocasta,” I answered.

“Oh?” she mocked. “So she’s yours to do with as you would?”

They all three looked at me expectantly. I trapped myself with that one. If I claimed she was mine, Pinkie would be on my case for the rest of time with how I said that. If I said she wasn’t, Jocasta would be in our business all night trying to get her.

But I saw a third option. I always do. I grinned. “I’m not averse to sharing.”

The king barked a laugh. “Genius, Navarone,” he answered. “As much as I would like to see how this goes, however, I have business elsewhere to attend. Jocasta, do as you would.” He left without an answer from any of us.

Pinkie and Jocasta both looked a little disappointed at what I said. I implied that I considered Pinkie mine, but I didn’t outright say it. And I made it clear to Jocasta that the only way she was going to get Pinkie was if I was involved.

“You are absolutely infuriating, Navarone,” Jocasta said as she stood. I gave her a shit-eating grin as she left.

When I looked back to Pinkie, she was wearing a grin that matched mine. I dropped it upon seeing hers. “You said I was yours!”

I crossed my arms. “I don’t remember saying that.”

She leaned forward, batting her eyes. “You impliiied it!” she sang.

I shrugged. “I suppose one could look at it that way. That does not, however, make it true. Now, I know you don’t want to spend the rest of the party just sitting here talking.”

She opened her mouth. but didn’t get anywhere; Kumani joined us and cut her off with, “Sup, Nav? Who’s this?”

“Pinkie in a human body. The how isn’t important. What do you need?”

“Huh. Sup, Pinks?” She turned back to me. “Want to blow this joint and go do something fun?”

“More than anything,” I answered. “But I can’t. I’m giving Pinkie that date you made me owe her. And I also have business for the princess to take care of after this.”

Kumani grit her teeth at the mention of the date. She turned a glare on Pinkie. They shared a silent battle of the wills. “I thought we had this discussion before,” Kumani finally forced out.

Pinkie sniffed. “He’s a free pony.”

I face-palmed, which is not a good idea with gauntlets. “Kumani, you know I owe her this. You were there when I agreed to it. Chill.”

Kumani’s glare turned to me. “We can talk about this later,” she said in a cold voice. She stood and walked away. Pinkie made a face at her turned back. I sunk my head in my hands. I should have stayed with Braeburn…

“What’s wrong, silly?” Pinkie asked, giggling.

“Nothing. Let’s just… go back to the party.”

By most accounts, the practice date went well. Pinkie had a blast. I did not. Flo had to stop me from strangling her once, but I’m pretty sure the only reason she talked me out of it was because she wanted me to rescue her sooner rather than whenever I got out of prison. I mean, I did have some fun, but… ugh.

Thankfully, we got past it. At the two hour mark, we were both ushered into a back room. “So what are we doing here?” Pinkie asked.

I grinned. “A few card games. Celestia’s a fucking misandrist that thinks the boys can hash out their problems over a friendly game. She’s wrong, of course, but that won’t stop me from cleaning these fuckers out.”

“What am I supposed to do?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Sit there and look pretty. Or you could play, if you wanted. If things get ugly, though, just back against the wall and stay out of the way.”

“And let you have all the fun?”

I scoffed. “Hell no. I’m backing against the wall too. This ain’t my fight.” That wasn’t entirely true. I would at least make an attempt to get them to stop fighting.

Before she could answer—sometimes I wonder if I was ever going to get cut off for once—the door opened and Shining Armor entered. “Ah, Navarone, I see you’re—who’re you?” he asked, looking at Pinkie.

“Pinkie,” I answered for her. “Who all is going to be here?”

He blinked, shrugged, and answered, “The cat king, the griffin king, the dog boss, and the changeling ambassador.”

“No naga or dragons?”

He shook his head. “They may be powerful races, but they aren’t any kind of political powers. The cat is only going to be here because we need a neutral party we can control.”

“He’s not neutral if we control him.”

“I didn’t make the plan, Nav,” he answered as he joined me at the table. “So how does this game work?”

“You’ve never played? Fuck, dude, I thought all guards learned how.”

“Maybe the single guards or the guards that have off time. I am married and I’m almost always busy. I never had time to learn.”

“Dude, you were doing nothing half the time we were in Gryphus. We offered to let you join several games.”

“I was performing my husbandly duties.”

“Damn dude, your wife’s a nympho if you two were fucking that much.”

His mouth dropped and a big flush showed up on his face. Pinkie giggled. “We weren’t bucking!” he cried just as the door opened and the griffin king came in.

“Am I… interrupting something?” he asked, stopping at the door with a filthy grin on his face. Now Shiny was just sputtering.

“Nah man, it’s cool,” I said. “We were just talking about him and his wife. Come on in. Pinkie, Bloodbeak. Bloodbeak, Pinkie.”

He gripped one of her hands with a talon and brought it up to his beak. “My pleasure,” he said when he pulled away. “Though I thought Nav was the only one of his kind here.”

“Oh, I’m not a human!” she said. “Or at least, not really.”

He ripped his talon away. “Changeling!”

I waved a hand. “Not quite. She’s a pony. A magic mistake turned her into a human. She’ll turn back tomorrow.”

His beak shut with a click. “I see,” he finally said. “I don’t like magic. None but ponies and changelings do, as none but ponies and changelings have it. What we have built by strength and cunning, they have built with laziness and their cursed magic.”

I had heard this spiel several times from him when I was in Gryphus. Personally I agreed, but I didn’t think he should be talking like that in front of a unicorn. A response was made impossible by the entering of the dog boss with Minerva and Jim with Jocasta. The boss and Jim were talking about something or another when they entered. Their ‘dates’ were silent. The two important guys were talking about trade relations or something. They shut up when they noticed us.

The dog crossed his arms and glared at Shining Armor. “Why did your princess call us all back here?” he demanded.

“You live in Equestria. She is your princess as much as she is mine,” Shiny shot back.

The dog rolled his eyes and turned to me. “Is she your princess, human?”

“Fuck no. That cunt can eat a dick. We’re here to have a few card games. As soon as the last guest arrives, we can begin.”

“Last guest?” Bloodbeak asked. “I highly doubt a naga would be interested in any manner of card game.”

The dog snarled. “And neither would a dragon. I’m not going to be anywhere near a changeling, thank you very much.”

“I understand that sentiment, even if I don’t agree with it. Celestia, however, does not want any manner of war near her people. After what the changelings did to that mining colony, war seems possible. A war against the changelings would mean a war against the ponies.”

“Are they that close, then?” Bloodbeak asked, his tone cold. “Are they so ready to forgive the changelings their attack on the pony’s own capital? Or the wholesale slaughter or enslavement of an entire colony? Can they disregard millennia of raids and kidnappings? I think it’s high time the changelings were eradicated. If Celestia and her ponies don’t want to help us, I imagine the dragons and even the cats can be convinced to.”

“If your only recourse for feeding your people was stealing, to what lengths would you go to do so?” I asked.

“I would become a monster,” Bloodbeak answered. “And I would fully expect to be put down as soon as possible. Such parasites should not be allowed to live.”

“For what it’s worth,” Shining Armor said, “I agree.”

I smacked him in the back of the head. He rubbed it with a hoof and glared at me.

The dog grinned. “So not even the ponies like the changelings. It was just a political move. Tell me, who would they support if it came to eradicating those bugs? Celestia, who wants to aid them against every other nation on the planet? Or us, who promise to free them from the menace?”

Shiny grinned. “Celestia. Above all else, we follow the mover of the sun. As should you, dog.”

Every non-pony except Pinkie scoffed. “We all know she doesn’t move the sun,” Bloodbeak said. “Ask any dragon who was alive before she was. That’s a lie told to the ponies to keep them in line. Yes, she can move the planet, but the sun is stuck in the sky.”

“That’s not true!” Pinkie and Shiny both said at the same time.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes it is. The sun is super massive, a gravitational monster. Moving it would be almost impossible for anyone, even Celestia.”

“The planet’s a lot bigger than the sun,” Pinkie said. “Just look at the two!”

I looked around the room. “Any takers?” All of them except Shiny were too busy facepalming. I sighed and held up a hand. “Hold your hand up, Pinkie.” She did so. “Look at yours and then look at mine. Which is bigger?”

“Uhhhh… Oh.” She turned a bright red. “N-never mind.”

“No wonder Applebloom and her friends are so retarded. What the fuck do the schools in Equestria even teach?”

“That is not the issue,” the dog said. “The point remains that we want nothing to do with the changelings.”

“That’s quite a shame. Ambassador Simulate, would you kindly reveal yourself?”

Minerva morphed into a changeling. The dog jumped away from her. “Where is Minnie?” he roared, backing away a bit more.

“She was not harmed,” Simulate answered. “Your hatred is amusing. I can taste it all the way over here.”

The dog and griffin got into attack postures at that. Jim, however, was confused. “So you are a changeling?” He tilted his head. “And you can mimic something so perfectly that others can’t tell the difference? It seems to me that you would be a better friend than an enemy. Of course, I know little of the history of your kind and its relations with other races, so I say that in ignorance.”

“Which is why we’re here,” I said. “Celestia wanted us to hash our differences out over a card game. I say fuck that. Let’s just have a talk, shall we?” The dog and Bloodbeak eyed the door. “Maybe you think this is optional. As soon as the last person walked in, this room was fucking sealed. I wish I was lying.”

The dog began growling. I sighed and pulled my axe out, setting it on the table. Everyone took the hint and calmed the fuck down. “Please, would everypony sit?” Shining Armor asked.

“I see only one pony here,” the dog snarled.

“Everyone, sit at the fucking table,” I said, pointing to it. I got two glares as the dog and Bloodbeak moved to the table. Jim moved with no issues. Simulate sat between Jim and Shiny. When everyone was down, I took my place between Shiny and Bloodbeak. I moved the axe off the table and said, “Alright. A few introductions are in order, I believe.”

“Everyone here knows my name,” Bloodbeak said.

“Fucking humor me.”

“So vile…” he muttered. “I am Bloodbeak, king of the griffins.”

I turned to the dog, whose name I still didn’t know. His head was barely poking over the lip of the table. He grit his teeth.

I put my axe back on the table.

“Tito,” he answered. I’m not gonna say it. I had to fight to keep from smirking.

It was the cat’s turn. “Jim Johnson, king of Egypt.”

“Ambassador Simulate of the changelings.”

“Shining Armor, prince and guard captain of the ponies.

“Navarone.”

“That’s Sir Navarone,” Shining Armor corrected. “Knight of Princess Luna.”

“These introductions are for things we’re proud of, Shiny. It’s Navarone. Now, we’ve already aired out some grievances. I have a feeling this meeting is going to get repetitious enough without going over why you hate the changelings again. So, why don’t we talk about things the changelings can fix to make them less hated?”

When Tito and Bloodbeak shared a look, I knew that I was in for a very long night.

One long night later, I was carrying a sleeping Pinkie back to our apartment. Nothing at all was accomplished in the meeting and I quickly grew to wishing I was able to sleep. I had to repeatedly remind everyone there that I could make no official gestures for the ponies, as I was not their representative. I was the technical mediator of that meeting, given that I was the only one that had no say in any manner of war.

Celestia and Chrysalis would both try to get me to help them, of course. Bloodbeak would likely try to get me to help him. Meanwhile, I’d be saying ‘fuck all of you’ and leaving to go find the elementals. It would probably put me in a bad light with pretty much everyone else, but if the elementals were as powerful as Flo said, I should be fine.

I landed and had only a little difficulty with getting the door open. I carried Pinkie into the bedroom and gently set her on the bed. I put her stuffed critter on her stomach and started to walk away.

“This is the part where you kiss me awake,” she whispered theatrically.

I turned and looked at her. One of her eyes was peeked open. “You need your sleep, Pinkie.”

She leaned up, stretching and yawning. “What time is it?” she asked, pretending the other thing didn’t just happen.

“Time for you to go to bed.”

“Can you tell me a story?”

“Once upon a time there was an ugly pony. He was so ugly that everybody died. The end.”

“…That’s a terrible story.”

“And I’m a terrible person. Are you going to go to sleep?”

“Only if you give me what I want!”

I sighed. “Fine. I’ll think of a better story.”

She shook her head. “Nope! My demands have increased!”

I facepalmed. “Well?” I asked around the palm.

“You miiiight need to get out of that armor.”

Dammit Pinkie.

The next morning shined nice and bright.

I wish I had a better chance to enjoy it. Being held tightly in an angry dragon’s clutches kinda does that to a guy. “Kumani, can we talk about this?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Yes, that is what we are going to do. We’re just going to do it in a more comfortable environment.” We were flying over the city after she dragged me from my apartment where I had been writing. Pinkie was still asleep—and probably would have had trouble walking anyway.

“I was very comfortable back in my apartment.”

“I wasn’t!” I felt one of her talons caress my wings as she lowered us down. Then her feet touched down and she opened a door. She carried me inside wherever we were and shut the door behind us. I heard it lock before she continued walking.

“This is highly unnecessary. Even if I wanted to run from you, I wouldn’t be able to. You should trust me more than this, Kumani.”

“I know you have heard it said that dragons are jealous and greedy lovers,” she commented. “There is truth in that.” With a sigh, she set me down. “But I do trust you. A little. Come.”

I saw that we were in her mansion. She began walking further in and I followed. When she finally got to a nice room, she pulled me on in and closed the door behind us. “Now, what were you doing with Pinkie?” she asked.

“Going on the date I had to promise her for helping you.”

“And?”

“That’s it. We went to the party as a couple. Then I did some business for the princess, took Pinkie home, fucked her silly, and wrote all night.” I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the fucking part. I saw her vestigial eyelids blink, which I have heard was a sign of anger among dragons. I held my hands up and said, “That’s part of the normal date for humans! That date was your fault, Kumani. I don’t know why you don’t realize that.”

She sighed. “I do. It’s just… Ugh, it’s our mating season and dragons are naturally greedy anyway… I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you did this for me, even though I know it’s true.”

Thinking about it, there was also the fact that Kumani was technically still a teenager, even if she was over fifty years old. That kind of made me seriously rethink my decision of letting her come with me if I did end up leaving. I would still probably do it, though. She hadn’t raped me, after all.

“So are we okay?” I asked.

She sighed and wrapped her scaly arms around me, pulling me into a hug that pretty much crushed me against her chest. “As much as I want to say something like ‘you owe me,’ I know that you did this for me. I suppose if anything, I owe you. Again. This is starting to get slightly aggravating.” She finally let me go and I backed away, not wanting to get crushed like that again.

“If it makes you feel any better, that’s relatively normal,” I answered when I was sitting on her bed.

“For a lesser race, perhaps. Dragons, however, pay our debts. But I’m racking up too many with you to ever hope to pay them back.”

I shrugged. “You can pay your debt with me by not worrying about paying your debt.”

She opened her mouth, but then closed it. After a moment, she shook her head. “There is precedence for that. It did not end well.”

“You know that, but you can’t even read? Come on, Kumani.”

“Most dragons do not know how to read. Again, we outgrow most books very quickly, and occasionally sneezing flame does not help when we’re trying to read. The only reason I know the precedent for that case is because my father is high ranking. He told me about the case.”

“Wait, this shit is actually official enough to get judged in dragon courts?”

“Only between two dragons. We are greedy. When someone owes us, we want the favor repaid, usually. And we are honorable, so when we know we owe someone, we want to pay it.”

“Sounds complicated as hell. Glad I’m not a dragon.”

“You would lose some of your charm and mystique, yes. But… Well, never mind.”

I shrugged. “So, do you have any plans today? I’ll probably need to go back to my apartment and take care of Pinkie; every fucking criminal in this city is looking for ‘the human’ and she currently matches that description. I’m honestly surprised they haven’t tried attacking my apartment yet.”

She shrugged. “I suppose even thieves have some honor. I have to prepare for the tournament, though; honestly, I suggest you do the same. You are going to be competing, right?”

“Depends on Celestia. She’s thinking about banning me after the stunt I pulled last year.”

“That is foolish. None of the contestants would be stupid enough to trust you after that. It sounds to me like she is punishing you for beating her ponies.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. I already know she considers—or at least, used to consider—the average pony life more valuable than mine. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same for every other race. Fucking cunt.”

Kumani smirked. “Why even stay in Equestria at all if that’s how you feel about the princess?”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m thinking about leaving soon. This won’t be a ‘leave on business, soon to return’ kinda deal. This will be a ‘fuck you, I’m leaving’ kinda deal. If I go, there is a good chance I will not return.”

“Where will you go?”

“I could go anywhere; I’m welcome in every civilization known to ponies. However, I have a job I have to complete for a friend. There’s a good chance a lot of travel will be required.”

“Hm… What’s the pay?”

I grinned. “I wish I could tell you. I know undying gratitude and, if all goes well, a nice place for me to crash for a while. A haven outside of the world, hopefully. If all doesn’t go well…” I shrugged. “I’ll probably just go exploring. Too much of this world has gone unmapped for too long.”

“Doesn’t that seem… a little dangerous?”

“I’m used to danger. I can go for days without eating or drinking and during summer and spring I don’t sleep at all. I can probably walk—or fly—across continents in weeks if I don’t stop. Since most animals don’t see me, I wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

“If I go with you, I would probably slow you down.”

“I’d welcome the company regardless. You would give me an excuse to slow down and rest. You would also hold me accountable to eating and drinking, and would force me to take care of myself better. You don’t have to go, of course. You don’t have to go at all. I would be loath to take you from your family and race anyway.”

“Dragons come and go all the time. As long as I wasn’t seen leaving with you, it would not be a problem.”

“Cool. Where is the dragon capital, anyway? It would be a good idea to know that before I wander aimlessly trying to find you.”

“Iceland. The entire island is dragon owned.” Well, with as many volcanoes as that place has, it makes sense. “You… might have trouble securing passage there, however.”

“I have money. I also have three princesses that owe me a lot of favors. How will I be received on the island?”

“With indifference… Probably.” She looked me up and down. “I would not tell any of my kind that you are the only one of your species here. There are some that would… try to claim you. You are a unique creature, something many of us would love to own.”

“Uh… huh.” Is that what she saw me as?

She quickly recognized the error in what she said. “Don’t take that the wrong way, Nav. I’ll admit that I started this because you were exotic, but it has evolved past that.”

I shrugged. “Good enough for me.” God only knows I wouldn’t want to deal with a dragon that wanted to own me. I stood. “I guess I can let you get back to preparing. It would probably be considered cheating for me to watch.”

She walked up to me and I thought she was going to hug me again. Instead, she pushed me into the bed. “I think you can stay for a little longer,” she said with a smile.

I just can’t catch a break…

An undisclosed amount of time later, I was sitting back in my apartment, just looking into space and thinking, a goofy grin on my face. I didn’t notice Pinkie until she plopped herself down on my lap. “I made pancakes!” she said, holding up a plate.

“That’s… nice,” I answered, blinking myself out of my reverie.

“They’re for you!”

I sighed and took the plate. I noticed that there wasn’t a fork. “How did you eat yours?” I asked.

She held up sticky hands and smiled. “Wanna help me clean them?”

“How about you go do that while I eat?”

Her smile instantly turned into a pout. “Pleeease?”

“No. Also, it’s really hard to eat when you have someone in your lap.”

“I could feed you!”

“Go wash your hands, Pinkie.” She sighed and picked herself off my lap. Not before jiggling a few good times, though. I ate the delicious pancakes in silence. Say what you want about Pinkie, but she’s a good cook.

I was about to stand up to wash my hands when Pinkie entered the room and plopped right back down on my lap, stopping me from going anywhere. She grabbed one of my hands and felt it. “Sticky,” she whispered. “Want me to help clean them?”

“No thanks.”

She pulled my hand to her face and started licking my fingers, looking me in the eyes as I watched impassively. When she finished one hand, she eyed the other. “Want me to clean the other, too?”

“You realize that licking my hands does nothing for me, right? Besides, I’ve already had sex this morning.”

She gasped. “You already cheated on me?!”

“…We aren’t dating?”

“We are too! We went on one last night!”

“You said that was a practice date.”

She blinked a few times. “Wait wait wait, are we doing a practice relationship or not? I’m confused now.”

“...No? Or at least, you didn’t tell me anything about that. Just that we were going on a practice date.”

“Oh! That makes a lot more sense. Never mind, then.”

Man, Pinkie’s fucking out there. “I’m gonna go wash my hands now.” She hopped off my lap and sat on the couch across from me.

I stood and went to go wash my hands and put the plate in the sink. When I got back into the sitting room, Pinkie was fiddling with her fingers. I sat back down on the couch. “So what do you want to do today?”

“Let’s talk!” she happily said, looking up.

Oh boy. “What about?” I asked.

“Burden me with your problems!” she answered.

“...What?”

“Well, you always say that you don’t want to burden anypony with your problems. But if I’m actually asking you to, it isn’t burdening!”

“That… that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Sure it does! It makes perfect sense. So tell me everything!”

I sighed and said, “Tell the truth: What do you really think of the princesses?”

“…Why do you ask?”

“Because my answer depends on what you think of them.”

“I think they’re ponies, just like everypony else. They do some good things and some not so good things.”

I smirked. “Alright. You wanna know my problems? Fine, get comfortable.” And thus began a long discussion.

Sometime later, I found myself having to hold Pinkie back from hunting Celestia down and beating her ass. Admittedly, it would have been funny, but I don’t think that it would have ended well.

…Although, this is Pinkie we’re talking about.

When I finally got her calmed down to a reasonable level—again, this is Pinkie—she said, “You need a break, Nav. And you definitely need somepo-one to love. And that someone probably isn’t going to be me.”

“So does that mean you’re done stalking me and watching me sleep?”

She waved a hand. “Oh, I stopped that ages ago. It’s just Taya that watches you, now.”

“…I’m installing a better fucking lock on my door.”

She giggled. “You know that wouldn’t stop either of us. Now, we need to go find Celestia so I can get turned back into a pony.”

“Before we go, I want your word—a Pinkie promise, if it would help—that you won’t tell a soul about what we discussed. No writing it down and ‘accidentally’ leaving it somewhere, no telling a nonpony and having them tell your friends, and just don’t mention it at all. Even to me.”

She sighed and snapped and then stared at her hand in wonder, snapping several times.

“Pinkie!”

She blinked and looked up. When she saw my serious face on, she sighed. “I promise…”

“Alright then. Are you ready to go get turned normal?”

She hopped up, a smile returning to her face again. “Yep! Although… Can you carry me there?”

I stood, popping my neck. “I suppose. Though I’ve seen you flying before using some contraption. Why you’d want me to carry you is beyond me.”

“It’s different,” she answered. I just shrugged and led the way to the door.

“You know,” I said as I closed the door, “you’re taking this a lot better than I expected. Especially since I’ve been such a dick lately.”

“You do have reasons, but you gotta learn to let the past be the past! You’re not the only pony that’s been through hard times.”

“I know,” I answered as I picked her up. “But most of my experiences I went through alone; I had no one to talk to.”

“You could have talked to me… Or any of the others. We’re your friends, Nav.”

“I risked much telling you what I did, and I still didn’t tell you everything. I was told not to tell anyone some of the things I did and what I’ve been through. However, I no longer give two shits about what Celestia orders. Now, do you know where she is?”

We were currently in the air, slowly flying over the city. We spent a minute looking around. There was a massive crowd around one area of the city. Like, more ponies and a few other races than I had seen in one place in this city yet. I started flying that way and alighted on a building near the epicenter of the crowd, next to a very large tent.

We saw Celestia speechifying near the center of the tent, standing on a stage. Now that we were closer, we could hear that her words were heavily magnified. Security was also very intense.

“Ugh, another pointless speech,” I commented, sitting with my legs hanging off the building. Pinkie sat next to me, kicking her legs idly.

“Hm…” She pulled one of the daggers out of my belt and started playing around. It took me a few minutes to figure out that she was angling the sun into Celestia’s eyes and giggling.

“If you get in trouble, don’t expect me to take the fall,” I said. Celestia began fidgeting a little, trying to avoid the glare. Some of the guards were also starting to take notice, looking around for where it was coming from. Whenever one of the guards looked our way, she hid the dagger. “How did you like your time as a human, anyway?”

“It’s been a lot of fun! Hands are great and being so tall is a lot of fun. But these,” she said, cupping a nice breast with one hand while shooting sunlight at Celestia, “get in the way a lot. They feel nice, but it’s not really worth it. It would probably be better if I had clothes made for a mare human.”

“We call them women. Kinda figured you would have known that by now.” We were silent for a moment. “Wait… Is Celestia’s horn… Move!” I threw my arm around Pinkie and hopped down the side of the building, letting my wings control our fall. A beam of pure light shot where we had been sitting. Pinkie and I hit the ground with a really loud clatter and thud—clatter from my mail boots hitting the floor and a thud from where she fell out of my arm. The only part of my armor I was wearing were my boots, at least.

Pinkie let out a loud “Oof!” when she hit the ground. She slowly stood up, rubbing her ass. I was tempted to join her, but we were already getting a very large number of looks from confused ponies. Celestia’s speech was still going on, so I just shrugged at them. After a moment, they turned back to where Celestia was.

I grabbed my knife from where it had fallen and slid it back into my belt. “So, wanna find a place to fuck with Celestia some more?”

Pinkie looked back up to the ledge where we had been sitting and rubbed herself again before turning back to me and saying, “No thanks.”

I held up my ring. “What if you were wearing this?” I asked with a smile.

Her eyes lit up for a moment as she thought. She shook her head, though. “No, I wouldn’t risk it. I don’t want to make her mad.”

Shame. I slid the ring into a pocket. “Where do you want to wait, then?”

“Hmm… If she’s here, I bet most of her guards are as well. Want to check out her personal chambers?”

I grinned and picked Pinkie up again. Her devious smile probably matched the one on my face. I leapt into the air and flew off towards her building.

We did a few circles over the building, looking for guards and the like. There weren’t many around; it seemed that most of them were with her. I landed at the entrance and set Pinkie down. I just waltzed up to the door where two guards were standing, Pinkie behind me.

When I tried the door, I found that it was locked. The guards didn’t say anything, so I pulled out my key and opened it. They continued not saying anything as I just walked right inside, Pinkie behind me. I pulled the door shut behind her and locked it again.

“I wonder why those guards didn’t say anything,” I mused as I twisted the lock.

“I bet that’s why,” Pinkie commented. I turned and saw a phoenix staring at us.

“Sup, Philomena?” I said. It tilted its head. “Right. Well, Pinkie and I are just going to go exploring.” It cawed very loudly. “I’m going to assume that meant ‘okay, feel free.’ Pinkie, shall we?”

The bird spread its wings and flew at me. I flinched back as it landed on my shoulder.

“If you shit on me, we’re going to see if that little regeneration thing of yours works with a magic sword,” I said as the bird preened. The bird reached out and nibbled on my ear as we walked further into the abode. It didn’t take us too long to find Celestia’s personal room. I eyed the dressers. “You know, I’ve never seen Celestia wear any clothes. I’ve seen her sleeping, at balls, and having sex, but she’s never wearing anything.”

I walked up to the dressers. Just as I put my hand on the handle, the bird dug its talons into my shoulder and cawed right in my ear. I also felt it get a lot warmer.

“Well well…” I said. “If the bird is trying to protect it, it’s gotta be something good. Lucky for you, I’m nearly immune to pain.” I pulled the drawer open as the bird bit my ear. Pinkie hopped up next to me as we looked over our findings.

“Uh, Nav?”

“…Yes, Pinkie?”

“What… what are we looking at?”

“…I think we should go,” I slowly said, pushing the drawer full of sex toys closed.

“Why are you in such a hurry?” Princess Celestia whispered behind us, her head between ours. The bird made a happy chirping noise. I felt Celestia’s evil hair moving down to a place I wasn’t comfortable with.

Pinkie and I slowly turned to face her. “Pinkie?” I whispered.

“Yes, Nav?” she whispered back. I reached into a pocket, pulled out the blue stone, and touched her with it.

“Good luck.”

“What?!”

I was already running to the window, thanking myself for having the foresight to put the ring on. I was also thanking whoever built this building that it was only two storeys high. The bird jumped off me just before I got to the emergency exit.

I wrapped my wings around my body as best I could and jumped out the window. It shattered and I quickly straightened my body out and hit the ground with a painful clatter, my legs not liking that at all. I did a quick body check before sprinting away, hoping I wasn’t going to get chased by the guards. They could run faster than I could, but I could run longer than them. Hell, I could probably run longer than anything on the planet.

When I got away from the pony quarter, I slowed down to more of a casual sauntering. I knew Celestia was in heat—or at least, she would be unless she did whatever she did to avoid it. Hell, what Pinkie did before we left for Flankfurt might have awoken her desire anyway. Me, I had no desire to get involved in that. Pinkie’s a big gi—boy. He could take care of himself.

Chapter Sixty-One—Tournament and goodbyes

Chapter Sixty-One—Tournament and goodbyes

I knew I couldn’t go back to my apartment and I knew Kumani was busy doing whatever she was doing to prepare for the tournament. I was not going to visit Kat with the chance that I might run into Miguel.

I didn’t have any other people here to do anything with now that Pinkie was missing. I don’t know how to party or have fun at parties, especially when I’m alone, so that wasn’t really an option.

I took to wandering around the city, never staying in one place for long; I didn’t want Celestia to find me, after all. I was still getting plenty of odd looks from the ponies, and several nonponies were staring at me just as much. I was used to stares, but this was worse than usual. After an hour or so of being stared at, I did what anyone would do: started staring back in the creepiest way possible.

The first victim of my creepy stare turned out to be Vinyl Scratch, who I saw was waving at me from a table. When she saw my look, her mouth dropped. I quickly smoothed my face over before her companion—Octavia—saw it. Vinyl went back to grinning and gestured me over. I walked to their table and took a seat.

“What’s going on, Nav?” Vinyl asked, her voice unreasonably chipper.

I shrugged. “You know how it is. Celestia’s estrus kicked in early, so I’m hiding in the city. I’ve been getting the weirdest fucking stares, though.”

Octavia and Vinyl shared a look. They both turned back to me and Octavia said, “You’re bleeding, Sir Navarone. Or rather, you were bleeding. It looks to have stopped some time ago.”

I lifted a hand to my forehead and felt around. When I pulled it away, my hand came away with some dried blood. “Ah fuck me,” I muttered. “Do you see any glass?” I asked them.

Vinyl grinned. “Jumping through windows?”

“Damn right. I’m not going to get caught by Celestia, not after what I went through. I wish I could go back to my apartment to clean myself up, but I’m not risking it.”

“Hey, you could use my place,” Vinyl offered. “If you really jumped through a window, Celestia knows you need to get cleaned up.”

“Yeah, she does,” I answered. “She watched me do it. I’d hate to break you two up, though. I don’t imagine your careers allow you to meet one-on-one that often.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Octavia said. “She and I were just—”

“About to go to my apartment anyway,” Vinyl finished with a dirty grin. Octavia gave her a scandalized look, her grey cheeks reddening into a blush.

I raised my eyebrows. “I definitely wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.”

Vinyl’s grin grew. “Oh no, you wouldn’t get in the way. In fact…” She looked at Octavia. “Whattaya say, Octy? Wanna let Nav play with us?”

Octavia’s blush deepened as she looked me over. “I… I remember… dreaming…” she whispered, not being able to look at me. I moved my hands to where she was looking and wiggled them. Her eyes widened and her entire face lit up red.

Vinyl and I laughed at that. I reached into my pocket and said, “Vinyl, you remember what I showed you while we were in Ponyville?” I pulled out the blue stone and she gaped.

“Can I?” she whispered. I grinned and nodded. Vinyl turned to Octavia with an almost predatory look in her eyes.

Octavia shrank back from her friend. “W-what’s going on? What’s with the stone, Sir Navarone?”

“First, call me Nav. I hate being reminded that I’m a knight. Second, why tell you when showing you is so much more fun?”

Octavia was silent, just looking back and forth between me and Vinyl. After a moment, she sighed. “Oh, very well.” Vinyl squee’d and pulled us both into a hug somehow.

When she let us go, her smile was somehow even dirtier. “Let’s go make some music!” she called, getting us several looks from the surrounding people. Octavia just sank her head into her hooves, sighing.

I grinned. Not very often I get to be part of a threesome.

Thirty minutes later, I was bored out of my mind. I thought they were using euphemisms for sex. But nope. There Octavia sat with a massive stringed instrument—a cello, she told me with a smile—while Vinyl was throwing a few switches and plugging in some cords.

When she got everything set up to her standards, she turned to me and said, “So Nav, what’s your poison?” She waved a hoof at a wall of instruments.

I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn’t play a damn thing when Flo said, “Take the piano.”

I blinked and looked at the wall. That’s a keyboard.

“Does it play like a piano?”

I conceded the point. “I can try the keyboard,” I answered. “No promises; it’s been a while since I did anything. And don’t expect me to sing.”

Vinyl grinned. “With those stones, I have the singing covered!”

Octavia sighed. “Just what are these stones you two keep talking about?”

Vinyl turned to me. “Nav?”

I pulled out the blue one and tossed it at Vinyl. It hit her and she turned into a guy. Octavia’s mouth dropped and her hooves let her massive instrument go. I jumped to catch it; I know how expensive shit like that is.

“H-how?” Octavia whispered.

“Magic,” Vinyl said with a shrug. “Now come on, don’t make Nav hold that massive bludgeon you use.”

Octavia’s head shot to me, holding the cello just off the floor; I barely caught it. She blushed yet again and took it from me. I went back to my seat and had a keyboard thrust into my hands with magic. I pushed in a random key and it made a random sound.

“Gonna need the other stone, Nav,” Vinyl said.

I looked at him. “Are you sure you aren’t related to Shining Armor? Maybe your parents confused you and Twilight at the hospital and took the wrong one home.”

“I won’t say it isn’t possible, but it also doesn’t matter. Now c’mon, gimme the stone.”

I shrugged and tossed the pink one at her. She caught it and set the two down in front of her turntable. “Let’s do this!”

Octavia said, “Wait. Does that mean Sir—Er, Nav is a female now?”

“Sorta,” I answered with a shrug. My voice was different.

She looked me up and down. “So what… what do you look like, under the clothes?”

“He can give you a strip tease later, Octy,” Vinyl said. “It’s music time!” She pushed a button and a beat started. “Keep up if you can!”

Flo whispered, “I’ll not let anyone beat the memory of those that came before. Put your hands on the keys. I’ll handle the rest.”

I grinned and did as she asked. Octavia seemed to be waiting for a cue that I couldn’t hear. Flo didn’t wait, she just jumped in, using my hands to depress what to me were random keys that produced a sound that would have made me gape if I had much control over my body.

After a few moments, I heard the deep notes of Octavia’s cello kick in as she added her own notes to the song we were producing.

If I knew more about music, I would make a better attempt to describe what it was like. As it stands, I can safely say that it sounded amazing to my ears. Vinyl sang some, using the stones to swap her voice around. It was awesome, all things told.

When the beat finally stopped, Flo was silent in my head. I assumed she was used up. I shook myself loose, popping some joints. “That was fun,” I said.

“No, that was awesome!” female Vinyl answered. “I’ve never heard anypony play the keyboard like that, Nav!”

“That’s because I ain’t a pony,” I answered, standing. “Unfortunately, though, I need to get going; I can’t stay in one place for long right now, in case Celestia finds me.”

“Nav, come on! You can’t just leave me here like this again!”

I raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

She poked the blue stone. “I wanna try the real thing!”

I sighed. “Fine. It shouldn’t take you too long. Assuming…” My eyes flicked to Octavia for a second and I smirked. Vinyl nodded. “Well, I’ll go make sure all the glass is out of me. You do what you gotta do.”

“What?” Octavia asked. “What are you two talking about?”

Vinyl turned to her. “Come on, Octy. I have something I need to show you.”

“Uh… Okay?” She looked a little confused, but she gently set her cello in a case and followed male Vinyl back. I nodded once with a smile and went to the bathroom, making sure I had gotten everything out of me. Fucking windows, man…

Twenty minutes later, Vinyl and Octavia came back out of the room. Octavia was visibly disturbed. Vinyl was wearing a massive smile.

“W-why?” Octavia whispered, eyeing me.

“Wanna get revenge?” I asked, holding the stones up.

Octavia’s eyes took on a fierceness and she nodded, grinning darkly.

“This’ll hurt for a moment,” I said before tossing the blue stone at her. Her eyes went wide as she changed.

“Whoa now, Nav!” Vinyl exclaimed. “We don’t have to do all that now!”

I tossed the pink stone at her as Octavia recovered. Her horn lit up but she was too slow to catch it. Octavia grinned when she recovered and walked over to Vinyl, dragging her back to the bedroom by her tail. I collected the stones again and began juggling.

Fifteen minutes later, a visibly disturbed Octavia walked out. Vinyl followed her with a massive smile. I giggled at that before I turned Octavia back. She curled into a ball on the floor and sighed. Vinyl and I shared a look. I lifted a fist. She met it with a hoof.

I looked back down to the grey mare on the floor and knelt next to her. I put a hand on her back. “Octavia, do you need a hug?”

Her eyes flicked to mine and she nodded. I wrapped my arms around her. After a moment, she turned and wrapped her front legs around me.

And then her grip got tight. “Quick, get his pants!” she said. I felt a tugging on my pants that I was not liking.

“They won’t come off!” Vinyl said, tugging harder.

That’s because of the belt. “I’m not comfortable with this,” I said.

“Oh come on, Nav!” Vinyl said. “We just want to show our gratitude. And who better to please a mare than a mare?”

“No thanks,” I said. “Now, let me go before I start fighting back.”

Octavia smiled. “I may not look it, Nav, but I know my way around the bedchamber. I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

It would be a lot of fun… I sighed. “Fine. Just abide by my limits and I’ll be okay.” Octavia’s legs loosened around me and I stood. I reached into my pocket and poked the pink stone. “Now, where to?”

Sometime later, I was lying on the floor of my apartment, waiting for Pinkie to come home. I didn’t feel like writing without Flo dictating to me and I didn’t feel like continuing to explore the town. It also didn’t help that my legs were a bit touchy, not wanting to work correctly. I tried to get to a bed, but it didn’t work well. That’s why I was on the floor.

I was contemplating trying to stand up when my door slammed open. “IT’S PARTY TIME!” pony Pinkie yelled, falling into my room.

“No Pinkie, no!” Wait, what? “I mean, hi. Also, can the party wait?”

“Not after what you did to me, it can’t!” he said. “Now come on!”

“But… my legs feel funny!”

“And I can barely stand, but this is a party and we’re going to PARTAY! We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Nav.”

“…What’s the hard way?”

His voice turned cold. “You don’t want to do it the hard way.” With a twitch, his cheery demeanor returned. “Now turn me back and let’s go!”

I sighed and dug the pink stone out of a pocket. I achingly got to my feet and touched Pinkie with it. I slipped it back into the pocket and touched the blue stone. “Now come on!” she said.

I took a few steps and got my rhythm back. “Alright. What’s the plan, Pinks?”

She smiled at the nickname for her nickname. “We’re going to party!”

I dreaded the answer to my next question. “What kind of party?”

“My kind of party.”

I rolled my eyes. “Where did you find a six-year-old’s birthday party?”

“The princess let me host a party. I just spent hours setting it up. You shoulda been there, Nav!” She giggled. “And now you’re gonna be there.”

Goody. “Well, lead the way.” I know what happens when you try to avoid a Pinkie Party when she shows up personally to bring you to it. It doesn’t end well.

She grinned and began bouncing out of the apartment. I followed, a pit of darkness in my stomach. “So who else is going to be there?” I asked when we got outside.

“Oh, the princess and Shining Armor, for sure! And probably a bunch of other ponies too!”

“Just ponies?”

“Yep! For some reason, they’re the only ones that seemed to be interested… Well, except for you!”

“I’m not interested. I just have no choice.”

“Silly Nav! You always have a choice. It’s just that in this case, choosing not to go would be infinitely worse than choosing to continue following me.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any way for me to get around this?”

“Not anymore there’s not.”

“Aren’t you supposed to want to make ponies smile? How is this making me smile?”

“You said it yourself, Nav: You aren’t a pony.”

“Let me rephrase that: Don’t you want to make your friends smile?”

“You haven’t been very friendly these past few days.”

“Do you blame me?”

“You are going to this party, like it or not, so I suggest you do your best to like it.”

“On a scale of one to yes, what are the chances of me getting laid from going here?”

“After that stunt you pulled with the princess, I’d say yes.”

I sighed and slouched down as we walked. Well, as I walked and she skipped. Thankfully, I wasn’t bleeding this time and didn’t get nearly as many looks.

Honestly, at this point, I was sexed out. I didn’t feel like it anymore. Hopefully if it came to that, Celestia would be willing to listen to reason.

When we arrived, the party was already well underway. Ponies were doing all kinds of pony things. It was horrible.

When Pinkie finally remembered the unspoken rule we had at her parties—if I showed up, she left me alone—I found myself in a corner, glaring at anyone that came close. That dissuaded more than a few interested ponies from bothering me.

It did not, however, dissuade Shining Armor. He plopped down next to me. “I hate parties,” he said with a sigh.

“Until you live in the same town as Pinkie for a month, you can’t know what it means to hate a party,” I replied, glaring away another pony.

“And until you have to go with the princess to function after function, you can’t understand either.”

“Meh. Any news about that library safe house I cracked?”

“There was a massive hidden room in the janitor’s closet attached to the central room. We only discovered it by blowing the closet up. We found records, bits, drugs, and a few other unimportant things.”

“How bad was the smell?”

He grimaced. “Those bodies were terrible. And that dragon… Ugh. You left a terrible mess, Nav.”

“Hey, just be glad that most of them surrendered. Otherwise it would have been a lot worse. How’s everything been since then?”

“Quiet. Disturbingly quiet. This place isn’t like Canterlot or most of the other mainland cities, Nav. There’s crime here. Now, though… Whatever you did, it looks like you stopped a lot of bad things from happening. You did good, Nav.”

I just shrugged.

“Hey, none of that!” he said. “You did something wonderful for this place, Nav. You should be happy. I know you’ve had a rough time of it, but from all I can see the dark is over. Your life looks like smooth sailing from here on.”

“I thought that once,” I answered. “When I first got to Equestria. I didn’t have an easy life on Earth. After a few months here, I thought I could make this place a nice home. Sure, the locals were wary, but they slowly warmed up to me. And then it all went to hell. I thought it would get better. Then it went to hell again. That repeated a few times. Now?” I waved a hand. “Fuck it. Life isn’t going to get better for me here, Shiny. Not until I get out of Equestria, at least.”

“Way to kill the mood.” He drank a little punch. “But if you’re sure you want to get out of Equestria… Well, my wife and I are going to our little principality. We’re still technically a part of Equestria, but she pretty much does as she wants. You are welcome there, if you help around the kingdom.”

I snorted. “And trade one mistress for another? No. I had something else in mind.”

He looked at me, worry in his eyes. “So you meant it? You’ll really leave Equestria entirely?”

I nodded. “I’m thinking about it. What known civilization wouldn’t want me? Where would I not be welcome? Where would I not be treated considerably better than here?”

He sighed, looking down. “When?” he asked after a moment.

“A year, if things don’t get better. You and Celestia are the only ponies that know. Don’t let the word spread. If I catch any hint that anyone knows I’m leaving, I’ll be gone the next day without a word.”

“I understand. Just remember that you owe me and my wife a conversation when we get back.”

I waved a hand. “Yeah, yeah. Any hints as to what you want to discuss?”

He shook his head. “Only that I think you’ll probably say yes.”

I sighed and pulled a flask from a pocket and took a nice draught from it. “Shiny, where’s a good place to learn to use a sword in mainland Equestria?”

“The naga. Now that the Diamond Dogs are… gone… the naga are the only ones that use swords in combat. Don’t you know how to use a sword?”

“I know that the pointy end goes in the bad guy. That’s all that I know.”

He looked at me, shocked. “How are you still alive if you can’t even fight?”

“Because I’m fucking smart. But I almost died fighting the criminals because I couldn’t fight. It’s high time I learned.”

“So, what, you’re going to live with the naga when we get back?”

I smiled. “I have something else in mind.”

He rolled his eyes. “You always do. Do I need to worry?”

“Well, naga are mercenaries, right? I’ll go to the clan I’m friends with and hire one to come to Ponyville to teach me. That’s not illegal, is it?”

“Well, it’s not illegal, but it might scare some ponies that have never seen a naga before, which most haven’t. They are big and evil looking, after all. Is there any way you could hire one and keep him away from Ponyville?”

“I… could. I know of a few caves in the Everfree that he could probably take up residence in. Or he might be able to live with Fluttershy. I’ll look into it.”

“Eh, whatever. After the war games, I’ll be leaving Equestria for a while anyway.”

“Man, where is your wife’s kingdom, anyway?”

“It’s—”

“HEY GUYS!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing up. “Why aren’t you two having fun?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why,” I answered.

“Well sorry, Mister Grumpy McGrumperson! What about you, Shiny? You should be playing games, like pin the tail on the pony!”

Shining Armor grimaced. “I think I’ll pass.”

Pinkie giggled. “You say that like it’s an option. Come on, Shiny!”

He looked to me. I met his gaze and shrugged. He sighed and set his punch down before standing and being led off by Pinkie.

His place was quickly taken by Celestia. “You know, that game does sound fun,” I said, standing. Her hoof shot out and pulled me back to the chair. “On second thought, maybe I’ll wait.”

“Breaking and entering is a very serious crime,” she quietly said. “Especially breaking and entering into the princess’s personal chambers. And I still remember that little stunt you pulled during my speech.”

“That wasn’t me!”

“Of course it wasn’t.” I felt her hair start to drift to my lap. “But you still owe me, I think.” Somehow, some of the hair got through my belt and into my pants.

I caught my breath. “Celestia, I’m really aching. I’ve had way too much sex this week. I know you think I owe you and that’s cool or whatever, but I really need some time to recover.”

She giggled, not letting her assault up. “And what about my needs? I haven’t had anypony inside of me in months. What your friend did after Cadance’s spell hit her woke up my estrus, and I really need it.”

My hands balled into fists as I tried to ignore what she was doing. “Tonight, then,” I said. “I’ll come by your chambers tonight. I just really need a few hours, Celestia.”

Her hair stopped. “Only tonight?” she said.

“We’ll see about longer. After Luna’s estrus, that is all that I will promise.”

Her hair withdrew. “That is fair. I have one rule: Don’t bring your ring.”

“I’m not certain I’m comfortable with that.” Her hair moved toward me again. “But I suppose it is something that I can deal with.” Her hair went back to doing whatever. “How do you even do that, anyway?”

“Do what?” she innocently asked.

“Whatever. So am I competing tomorrow or not?”

“I have decided to lift your ban, at least temporarily. If you misbehave during this tournament, your ban will be returned.”

“I didn’t misbehave during the last one!”

“Keep telling yourself that. I will confirm that it is a setting you will be able to fight in.”

“Cool. I’ll fuck some bitches up, then.”

She sighed. “Must you be so vulgar all the time, Nav?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nav. It’s unhealthy.”

“So is eating cake for breakfast, but I see you doing it every time I stop by.”

“Spare a princess her comforts, Nav. Solaire alone knows I have few enough.”

“And apparently I’m one of them.”

“Well, you are fun to work my aggressions out on. You actually fight back.”

“I suppose you’ll feel quite comforted tonight, then. Just make sure your bird isn’t watching.”

“I don’t think that will be an issue. After the stunt you pulled, Philomena is not pleased with you.”

“Boo hoo. Your bird is a dick.”

She rolled her eyes. “Philomena has always been pleasant to me. It’s hardly my fault that she enjoys games.”

“Games she learned from watching you. She’s a cunt to everyone else because she can get away with it; who would hurt the princess’s pet?”

“Oh, you’re always just looking for the worst in others.”

“That’s because the worst is so often the side of others that I see.” She couldn’t really answer that.

She sighed. “I will see you tonight, Nav. Try not to be seen, if it is possible. If you are… Well, I don’t suppose it really matters.”

I nodded and she went back to the party, leaving me alone once again.

As much as I knew I wanted to, I couldn’t make myself look forward to the night. Although… If Luna was watching, I would give her a nice little show. I know that I shouldn’t taunt her, but if she was going to be a bitch about the breakup then I saw no reason to hold back.

For some reason, Celestia put me to sleep when we were finished. I honestly don’t know why. When I woke up, I found that I was apparently spooning her. I knew she had to have put me in that position herself, because I don’t move when I sleep.

Either way, I quickly pulled away from her silky-soft side and started looking for clothes. Thankfully, they weren’t that hard to find. Not so thankfully, she was awake when I put my hand on the door. “Leaving so soon?” she purred.

I turned to her. “Yeah. We both got things to do today, I’m sure.”

She sighed. “Can we turn this into a regular thing?”

I crossed my arms. “How regular?”

“Whenever one or the other of us needs to work some stress off.”

“Celestia, I would be fucking you every minute of every day.”

She giggled at the idea. “That would certainly liven up some of those dull meetings I have to attend every day… But I would try not to be unreasonable, as I’m sure you would as well. We both have very different lives to lead.”

I thought about it. “I’ll agree on a few conditions. One, keep feelings out of it. It’s sex, not a relationship. Two, if either of us wants to stop, we stop, and that’s the end of that. Three, if you do any experimentation without asking me, we’re done. I might think of more later.”

“Those are acceptable. Sadly, it will be some time before we can begin properly, but that is no matter. Now, I have an awkward question that I fear I must ask. Are you avoiding Luna?”

“Not really. I mean, I live in a different city, so I don’t have many chances to see her anyway. I just don’t really like being around people that I’ve had a conflict with like that. Especially not since I know she did the dream thing on purpose. I think that she might be more than a little bitter.”

“Well, she’s certainly not pleased. She loved you—or she believed she did, anyway. Honestly, I thought she was above what she did.” It amuses me that she didn’t try to deny that Luna did it on purpose. I’ve about given up on getting a fair deal in this damn place. “I also thought she was above turning into Nightmare Moon, so I suppose that shows how much I truly know her…”

“I’m tired of sticking my dick in crazy. If you go off the deep end, don’t take it out on me. And if you start getting attached because of the sex, let me know so we can work that out and fix you before it gets worse.”

She blinked. “Is the thought of a relationship with me truly so horrible?”

“No. It’s the thought of a relationship with any pony. I know why Twilight and all of her friends are single. The few stallions in Ponyville know better than to go near them. Same for most of the rest of the mares. You are all crazy. Braeburn and Smiles have the right idea but a poor execution. I think I’ll keep any romantic relationships past sex to races that aren’t ponies.”

She sighed. “I suppose that is fair. After what you’ve been through… Well, I suppose it’s a wonder you’re able to do even that much.” She was silent for a moment. “So what’s your plan for winning the tournament?”

I grinned. “Why Celestia, telling would take all the fun out of it.”

I had no idea how I was planning to win the tournament. I honestly wasn’t planning to do well at all. I just wanted to enter to see how long I would last.

When I got to the staging area and had all of my weapons magically castrated, I was given a map. It was an underground cave. Celestia, you bitch! So much for it being a jungle… Thankfully, I wasn’t wearing my armor either way; I was expecting a jungle and black armor in the canopy would not work well.

I looked around to see my competition. Kumani was heading the dragon group. Jocasta, Miguel, and Rock were the cat group. Shining Armor, a pegasus in a gay looking jumpsuit, and some random earth pony were the pony group. Minerva headed the dog group, with what looked like two of the squad leaders next to her. I didn’t recognize anyone leading the changeling, naga, or griffin group.

No one so much as looked at me the entire hour before the tournament started.

I teleported into the end of a long passage. I held my crossbow in a ready position and creeped forward, making as little noise as possible. I stopped at the end of the hall and saw that it T-boned into two other ways. I got against one wall and looked around one side as far as possible, seeing nothing. I poked my head around the other and saw a griffin. I shot back around and listened.

“I can’t believe that bitch put us in a cave! Maybe her magic ponies can create light, but we sure as Tartarus can’t,” one whispered.

“Can the whining,” another one said. “The only way we’ll get anything is by hearing it coming.”

I looked around me and saw a few decent sized rocks. I grabbed one and chucked it down toward them, trying to get it past them. It obviously worked, because when I looked around again, they were all tensed up facing that way. I grinned, grabbed another rock, threw it, and quickly aimed the crossbow. Right as the rock landed, I shot one of the griffins.

That griffin disappeared just as the other two bounded down the hall toward the sound. They let out squawks when they realized they were attacking nothing. “Sound off!” one of them quietly called after a moment of confusion.

“Here,” the other one said.

There was a moment of silence as I lined up another shot. “Oh feathers, we got duped!” He took a bolt to the face as the other one bounded down the hall. I reloaded and walked a bit farther into the tunnel where I spawned, just listening. I could hear sounds of fighting echoing through the walls. Only naga and the changelings could find anything in this mess; of the races, they spend the most time underground.

Knowing that the surviving griffin might have a trap set up for me, I went the other way from where he was. Again, I held my crossbow at the ready and was walking as close to a wall as I could get without touching it.

Slowly, I became aware of a light farther down the tunnel. I knelt down and held the crossbow up, aiming at it. As it got closer, I slowly saw the shape of Shining Armor leading it. He and his crew were surrounded by a shield.

I turned and saw that the path behind me was clear as far as I could see. I began walking back, a plan forming in my mind. When I got to the fork, I took the turn and waited.

Three minutes later, the ponies showed up. “Sir?” the earth pony whispered as they stopped.

“We pass it,” Shiny answered. “Just keep watching our back.”

I chose that moment to burst from the shadows, dual wielding knives. I sprinted through the shield and vaulted over the very surprised pegasus. While I was still in the air, I kicked Shiny in the face and then slit him open while he was down before sprinting back up the path they came from.

“GET HIM!” the pegasus roared as I disappeared. I got as close to the wall as I could while they sprinted and flew past me, completely unable to see in the dark. I imagined that they would quickly be picked off by someone else.

I grinned as I turned around and came face to face with a dragon. “Oh fuck me,” I said.

“Later,” Kumani answered with a grin. I jumped back as she swiped at me and tossed one of the daggers at her. She flinched as it embedded itself into her stomach. “These things aren’t supposed to hurt me!”

“I hope you like naga steel!” I yelled as I ran the fuck away. She bounded after me.

I quickly caught up to the ponies, who were charging my way. “There he is!” They dropped into fighting stances as I jumped right over the pegasus.

“Have fun with that!” I yelled.

“GET BA—” His yell was quickly cut off by a yelp of surprise as Kumani found them. I heard sounds of unpleasantness as I stopped cold and pulled my crossbow up. I aimed it down the hall and saw Kumani slamming a pony into the wall. I shot at her head just as the pony disappeared.

She looked my way with a bloodthirsty grin just in time to catch a bolt right between the teeth. She clutched at her throat as I quickly reloaded and shot her again, sticking a bolt out of her forehead. She ripped it out with a snarl and bounded after me.

I sighed and pulled my axe out. I was hoping to avoid using it, but if steel is what it took to bring a dragon down, steel is what I would use.

She dove at me, talons first, several hundred pounds of dragon coming right at me. I dove to the ground and spun over just enough to rake her belly with the axe as she cleared me. She landed hard, clutching at her stomach.

“Sorry doll,” I said as I stood. “You know how it is.” I quickly reloaded the crossbow and aimed at the eyes that were looking up at me with rage. I sent her back to the staging area with a nice sounding twang from the crossbow.

Now if she’s here, where are the other dragons? I looked back down the way we came and saw no one. I looked back down the way the ponies came and also saw no one. I’d rather run into the unknown than more dragons. I reloaded the crossbow and grabbed my weapons from where they fell and continued down the pony path.

I was walking for two minutes when I came to a four-way crossroad. I took my time checking every direction that I could before using the corners to sidestep into the left passage, spending as little time in the middle as possible. That done, I sprinted down the left passage for a few seconds; crossroads are great places to set up ambushes, especially in dark tunnels.

It didn’t take me long to find a dead end. I sighed and walked back to the crossroads, repeating the slow procedure to make sure nothing was coming. This time, as soon as I was ready to move, two changelings materialized out of nowhere. I spun around and kicked the one that I knew was behind my back and shot him before sprinting down the hall to let the remaining two come to me.

I heard them scuttling down the way I originally came as I readied myself for an attack. They were going toward my spawn, to where I assumed more dragons were. As I quietly walked back up to the crossroad, I saw why.

“What do you smell?” Minnie asked.

“Human. Pony. Changelings.” I knelt down as they looked up each path. Dogs don’t have very good night eyesight, but they have really good smelling and hearing. I controlled my breathing as I watched the two dogs.

“After the cat surprise, I don’t know if I want to run into the human. They have similar styles, or so the dogs on his squad reported.”

“Changelings are that way,” he said, pointing down the path to where I spawned. I hefted the crossbow.

“Then that’s where we’ll go,” she said with a nod. I shot the smelling dog right as he nodded. He disappeared and Minnie whirled around to face my direction. She eyed the darkness as I reloaded before sprinting down the tunnel toward the changelings.

From the sounds of things, the cats were taken care of, the griffins were gone, the ponies were gone, the changelings were wounded, the dogs were almost gone, and the dragons were missing at least one. That left the naga. Assuming the dragons ran into the naga, that means they were taken care of as well, if Kumani was the sole survivor. It was a lot easier the year before when we could just look into the sky for scores.

So all of the enemies are in one direction… I hefted my crossbow and began walking back to the crossroad, aiming toward the direction I knew the enemies would come and sliding along the wall away from the right way.

Minerva came sprinting out of hall and just kept running. The changelings followed her but they veered off to the side that I wasn’t in, quickly disappearing. I knelt down, aiming the crossbow to where I figured something was chasing them.

Lo and behold, a very pissed off naga was slithering down the cave. He stopped right at the crossroad. “There you are, little puppy,” he hissed. I assume that Minnie stopped right at the edge. The naga drew himself up to his full height. “Are you ready to meet your end?”

“Come and get me!” was the answer and I heard the ringing of two swords hitting each other. I grinned and readied myself. The naga slipped out of the tunnel. The changelings pounced on him and I shot him in the neck. They dragged his body to the ground as it thrashed madly, trying to escape the impromptu ambush.

Minerva stepped into the hall just as I remembered something very, very important.

I reached into one of my pockets and pulled out one of my last flash bang grenades. I grinned as I tossed it toward the center, just as Minnie slammed her sword into the naga’s chest. I pulled my goggles down as the world erupted in white. Three cries of pain rang out and I heard Minerva’s swords clang to the ground.

I pulled out my axe. I walked up to the group and saw that the changelings were on the ground, trying to open their eyes but finding it too hard. Minerva was scrambling around for her swords. I casually swung the axe down at her, sending her away. I rolled one of the changelings over onto his back with my foot and sent him away too.

I looked at the last one and thought about asking if he had any last words, but figured it would be stupid to say in case anything else was still around. I ended his career in the game with another axe swing.

I looked around to find that I was still in the caves.

“So who the hell is still alive?” I asked aloud.

Only Flo answered me. “We know the griffins, ponies, dogs, and changelings are gone. We can assume that the naga and dragons are gone. Which just leaves…”

“Cats,” I answered with a sigh.

I heard an evil laugh coming from all four sides. I pulled my crossbow up and reloaded it as I looked around. Miguel.

I began walking down the path that the dogs came from. Keep an ear out, Flo. I don’t want this fucker anywhere near me.

“I understand that,” she answered.

Logically speaking, I already have the most kills. Even if I get killed, I’ll still get something.

“So if you kill yourself, will that count as another kill?”

I shook my head, clearing it of our idle musings. I’d rather win two things than just one, selfishness be damned.

“Come into my lair,” I heard the walls whisper.

“Said the spider to the fly,” I answered in a voice just as quiet. “I have a feeling that I won’t be as easy bait as the fly.”

I heard Flo shout a warning and I felt a numbness along my back as I spun and slammed the crossbow forward, knocking Miguel back. I aimed the crossbow as he recovered and pulled the trigger, but somehow missed as he leapt to the side. I kicked out as he jumped forward, only to have him slam his knife into my leg, making the entire thing numb.

I grabbed the paw with the dagger and wrenched both it and the dagger out of my leg, dropping the crossbow in the process. He swung his other paw at me and I saw it had a dagger as well. I caught that arm and slammed his paws together, making him drop both of the knives.

He jumped up and slammed his feet into my chest, making me lose my grip on him and sending us both to the floor. I pulled out my spare dagger and spun around, slamming my dagger into his head just as his entered mine.

We both teleported back to the staging room on the ground, thankfully in different places. Kumani hauled me to my feet. “About time!” she growled.

I shook the numbness out of my head, shivering at the feeling.

Someone from the crowd called out, “So who won?”

“It was a tie,” Celestia answered, making herself known. “The prize money for winning will go to the cats, since Navarone also has the most kills. Navarone, come with me.”

There were a lot of angry mutters from the crowd about that. First, that it was a tie. Second, that they couldn’t yell at me for ruining their competition yet again. I gathered up my weapons from around me and followed Celestia.

When we were away from everyone, she asked, “So how did you create that light?”

I grinned. “Human secret. It isn’t magic, so don’t worry.”

“And does anypony else know how to do it?”

“I doubt it. The materials that I couldn’t loot from Twilight’s lab, I got from Zecora. Twilight was looking over my shoulder as I did it, but I don’t think she could do it by herself. She probably couldn’t even name everything that went into it.”

“And it can’t kill anypony?”

“It would probably hurt like a bitch if it exploded right in your face, but I don’t think it could kill.” The mustard gas, however…

“Very well. I will allow this. It will be interesting to see how it is used during the war games. And between you and me, that cat’s dagger hit you first.”

“Then why call it a tie?”

“Because we’ve never had a tie before. I just wanted to see it happen and this was close enough to one.”

I sighed. “You’re a terrible person, Celestia.”

She shrugged. “I learned from watching you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Somehow I find that hard to believe.”

“That’s probably because it isn’t true. Now, I fear I have business to return to. Try not to get murdered by angry competitors.” With that, she merrily trotted away.

I just shook my head and turned back around to find Pinkie with a wide smile. “Can I hug you?” she sweetly asked.

“I’d prefer you didn’t.”

“Too bad!” Thankfully, she didn’t plow into me. She just stood up on her hind legs and wrapped her front legs around me. My suffering was not prolonged and she quickly pulled away. “You did great! Well, up until the end.”

“I’m surprised you were watching. I didn’t figure you’d find it interesting.”

“One of my friends was playing. Of course it was interesting!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Which one of your friends?”

“Nav, you’re too smart to play dumb. Now come on, you have fans to talk to!”

“I doubt that. I imagine most of them are mad at me. I’m the only human here, meaning that instead of earning glory for my people, I stole it from everyone else. Last year they were outright pissed. I can’t imagine they’ll be very happy this year either.”

“You’ll never know until you find out!” She somehow grabbed my hand with one of her hooves and dragged me down the hall toward the staging room.

Thankfully, it was empty when we got there. “Well, I guess that’s that,” I commented as I freed myself from her oppressive grasp. “I’m just gonna go.”

“Go where?” she asked as she followed me out.

“To eat, probably. The last thing I had was some chicken or bread or something a few days ago. I wonder if anyone has steak.”

“What’s a steak?” she innocently asked.

“A kind of meat. Not important. Remember, today is our last day here, so party to your heart’s content. I know I’ll be saying bye to a few friends.”

“Can I come?”

“Trust me, Pinkie: If I find a steak, you don’t want to see me eating it. I know you’re okay with meat eaters, but it won’t be pretty.”

She sighed. “Okay…”

“I’ll see you in a few hours, then.” I spread my wings and jumped into the air. I coasted around, looking at various areas that dealt in meat. I followed my nose, in some cases. It took me half an hour, but I finally found a place with steaks. I landed and happily ordered one from the griffin at the grill. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to care who I was and in no time I was merrily eating away.

When I looked up from the shredded steak, I saw Kumani sitting across from me. “I see you enjoyed yourself,” she idly said, likely looking at the bits of meat stuck in my grinning teeth.

“It was like an angel came in my mouth. What do you need?”

“What is an… angel?”

I waved a hand. “Not important. So what happened to the other dragons in the competition?”

“We split up at the beginning, reasoning that any one of us was worth at least three of some of the other races. We were not expecting to run into naga and a griffin at the very start. The other two were taken down by naga, but gave as good as they got. I took down the griffin with no real issues. Then I bumped into you. I’ve never seen you fight, not really. That was disgraceful, Navarone.” She didn’t sound disapproving, though.

I shrugged. “I won. Sort of.”

“And in doing so, you removed the chances of just about everyone else of winning the team award. It looks like the changelings will likely win it.”

“That’s hardly my fault. I mean, I can’t win that award anyway.”

She shook her head. “So selfish. It reminds me of myself, in a way. Now come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Do I really have a choice?”

“Of course you do. You can either come willingly or I can carry you.”

I sighed. Fucking women, man.

When all of my goodbyes were properly said to Kumani, I unsteadily took off to visit Kat. Unsteadily, because Kumani took a very fun interest in saying goodbye to my wings.

I landed outside the cat mansion and walked up to the door. The guard at the door stopped me. “What do you want?” he asked.

“I want to talk to Kat,” I answered.

He crossed his arms. “And why should I let you in?”

I blinked. “Why would you stop me? I just want to tell a friend goodbye.”

He looked me up and down before shrugging. “Not like I could stop you anyway. Go on in.”

I went on in. There were a few cats bustling about, looking like they were getting things ready to go. Most of them looked up at me as I walked past them to Kat’s room. Thankfully, none bothered to challenge me.

Kat was, of course, in her room and in her bed. Alone. It was kind of depressing when I knocked and she just flatly said to come in. I saw her lying there looking all sad. She perked up when she saw me.

“So what happened in the tournament?” she asked.

I blinked. “Did no one tell you? Really?”

She grimaced. “No. Aside from a servant to feed me, I’ve been here almost entirely by myself. Jocasta came in twice, once to see if I was here and again to deliver my pay.” She waved a hand at a bulging sack.

“That’s seriously depressing. Miguel and I killed each other at the same time, making the tournament a tie. I got the most kills. Speculation is that the changelings will get best team.”

She sighed. “So you won again. Sort of. How did you learn to fight so well so quickly?”

“I didn’t. I couldn’t fight my way out of a paper bag. I’m just really good at using a crossbow and I’m not stupid. I also have a few human tools that make taking down groups very easy. I’m planning on learning how to fight soon, though.”

“If you come with us back to Egypt, I could teach you how to fight my way.”

“I would, but I have a daughter to look after and she doesn’t have good memories of Egypt. I plan to hire a naga from a clan near my home and have him teach me. Hopefully the learning process won’t be too painful.”

She grinned. “Learning from a naga, it probably will be. Still, it will do you good to know how to do something other than shoot that evil toy you have. Especially if you have to ration bolts again.” That happened during the March. It sucked.

I grabbed a chair and set it near her bed and sat down. “You really don’t seem that happy in Egypt,” I commented. She sighed and looked away. “Look, there’s a good chance I’m leaving Equestria in a year. Like, right after next year’s party. I have a fun plan for transportation. If all goes well, would you be interested in coming with me? I might need your talents where I’m going.”

“And where will you be going?” she quietly asked.

“First, to a place with a lot of cold. After that, I’ll probably be going to uncharted lands, south of mainland Equestria. Then, if all continues going well, I’ll be going to an ocean. After that… Well, I don’t know. It depends on how those first few meetings go. If it goes well, the epic journey of a lifetime will begin. If not… I’ll go exploring.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Just what is this about?”

“I’m helping a friend. That’s all I can say for now. I can’t offer you any kind of money. If you want to go, you can go. If not, then that’s that. I know Kumani is planning on going and I’m going to offer to let a few friends from Equestria go as well. And this is, of course, assuming I can provide transportation. I do have something in mind—” A floating pirate ship paid for by Celestia’s promise or my bits— “but I don’t know if it will go over.”

She was silent for a moment. “I’ll think about it.”

“And don’t tell anyone else, please. I don’t want it well known that I’m planning on leaving. It’ll be a relatively small and select group that goes with me. If I go at all, of course.”

“Don’t worry, Nav. I won’t tell anyone. Though… why now?”

“Because the princesses found my breaking point. I no longer care about Equestria at all. I have mostly good memories about it, but the ponies are essentially dead to me. I would leave right now, but I have things to take care of before I go.”

“What did they do this time?”

I grimaced. “Luna abused the hell out of me and then made all the ponies dream about me. Sexual dreams. It was not amusing. Celestia knew and didn’t do a thing. If you are royalty or a useful tool to Celestia, you won’t be punished.” Though that has saved me in the past, with Calix. And probably a few other times, actually. Of course, I wouldn’t have been put in those situations at all if it wasn’t for Celestia.

“I could see why that would upset you. But let us talk on happier things. Tell me, do you have any new stories for me?”

I looked at a clock on the wall. “I have a few hours.”

Chapter Sixty-Two—On having standards...

Chapter Sixty-Two—On having standards...

I left the cat house just in time to get to the awards ceremony. I showed up and was given the most kills medal and a medal for tying for the victory. The changelings were given the award for best team, unsurprisingly.

There wasn’t very much cheering this year. The cat delegation and the changeling delegation were both very small, after all. And of course, I was the only human. Thankfully, I had a few friends in the crowd. Kumani might have been a bit upset at what I did, but she understood.

“…and this concludes the Fabulous Flankfurt Festival, everybody!” Celestia’s magically augmented voice rang out. It took me a moment to realize she didn’t say everypony. I followed her offstage, where Pinkie was somehow waiting for us. I know I just saw her in the crowd three seconds ago, but this is Pinkie we’re talking about. “Are you two ready to go?” Celestia asked us.

“All of my stuff is—” I started. Pinkie pointed off to the side, where all of my stuff was piled in a heap. “—right there, apparently. Looks like I’m ready.” It’s not worth questioning.

“Those bags were not there a minute ago,” Celestia calmly said.

“Shhhhh,” I hissed. “Don’t question the Pinkie.”

Celestia shrugged. “Very well. When Shining Armor arrives, we will return to Canterlot. So Pinkie, did you enjoy the party?”

“Yes Princess! It was lots of fun. Though it would be a lot better if my other friends were here. Nav’s fun, but the more friends you have with you, the more fun you have!” That’s certainly an opinion.

“And you, Navarone? Did you enjoy your time here?”

“Enjoy is a word you could use that wouldn’t be inaccurate. I had some kinds of fun, that’s for sure. I got to see old friends, kill some bitches, have sex with all kinds of things… It was alright.”

“You have a serious problem,” Shiny commented as he joined our group.

“I know. It’s fun. We good to go, Sunbutt?”

“What… what did you call me?”

I shrugged as Pinkie giggled and Shiny glared at me. “I heard someone call you that this week. It fits.” There was a moment of silence. Celestia opened her mouth to reply. “I mean, just look at how big it is!” She choked, her face turning red.

Shiny was still glaring at me. “That’s too far even for you, Nav!” he growled. “First you cheated in the competition and now this?”

I crossed my arms. “How did I cheat?”

“You used that cursed ring to push through my shield.”

“Not seeing how that’s cheating. But it doesn’t matter. Celestia, are we leaving?”

She had recovered, at least. “I should leave you here for that. Is everypony—and Nav—ready?” Nods all around. Her horn lit up and we appeared in the throne room at Canterlot. “Pinkie, I will have a chariot brought for you shortly. When you arrive in Ponyville, stop by the library and tell Taya to get on the chariot. She and Navarone are going on a short trip.” I didn’t like the sound of that. “Shining Armor, you are dismissed.”

He saluted before turning to me. “Remember Nav, I want to talk to you before you go anywhere.”

I nodded and he left. Celestia turned to me. “Will you need any assistance getting your things to your room?”

“My room?” I asked.

“The one you stayed in when Chrysalis was here.”

I looked down at the pile. “I can probably do it. Pinkie, can you carry my sack of bits home? I don’t think I’ll need all of them.”

“Sure thing, Nav!” She dragged the bag over to her little group of stuff, which included her single clothes bag and the massive bag of bits I forced her to keep.

“Navarone, you go on to your room. I have something I need to discuss with Pinkie.”

I shouldered the bag of armor and slung the bag of clothes across the other shoulder. “See you when I get back, Pinkie.” She smiled and waved as I started the walk back to my room.

I got a number of glares from the servants on the way back, probably because of the whole Cadance love spell fiasco thing. I don’t know why they were mad at me because of it, though; I wasn’t the one that cast the spells. I answered their glares with smiles. Thankfully, I got to my room with no incidents other than glares. I dropped my bags to the floor and flopped onto the comfortable bed, letting my wings just sag.

I knew I needed to go see Shiny and Cadance, I just didn’t want to. I knew I also really needed to see Luna, but she was probably asleep anyway. I wanted to go to the museum to see the spear and to learn more about it, but I figured I could wait for Taya to do that. And I needed to see Celestia about whatever it was I didn’t want to do but was going to have to do anyway.

I was content with just lying on the bed. Whatever they put in the palace beds, they’re really awesome.

Sadly, good things can’t last. I pushed myself up and wandered back into the palace, looking for Shiny’s room. I had no idea where it was, though. Eventually I just stopped and got a servant to take me there. She gave my hands a familiar lustful look before taking me to my destination.

I knocked on the door and waited. Some time later, it opened and a red-faced Shiny looked out. “Come on in, Nav. We were just… talking.”

“So is that what ponies call it?” I asked as I walked in. “Smells like sex to me.” I plopped myself down on a chair and looked up at him. He didn’t meet my gaze. “I don’t know why you’re so ashamed, dude. It’s just sex. Perfectly natural, especially for a loving, married couple. But whatever. What did you want to talk about?”

“Let’s… Let’s wait for her.”

I shrugged and leaned back as much as I could. “You have any clue what it is Celestia wants me to do, then? She said I’m not going to like it, but I have no clue what it is.”

He nodded. “I know it has something to do with catching the griffin that sent the assassin after my wife. More than that, I can’t say.”

“Can’t be too bad, then. What about the war games coming up? How do those usually work?”

“All I know is that it will take place somewhere near Ponyville. I will be in charge of the day forces. Midnight will be in charge of the night troops. We’ll be told more as we get closer to the date.”

“Well, you’re not very helpful at all.” Cadance came out then, sparing us any more small talk. “Sup, Can-can?”

She blinked. “What? Where did that even come up?”

“…I honestly don’t know. Let’s just pretend I never said that. What did you two want to talk to me about?”

Her horn lit up and a teapot lifted from a conveniently placed area on the side of the room. A few tea cups followed, setting down on the table in front of me. Shiny and Cadance sat on a couch facing me as the tea poured. “We have a proposition of sorts,” she said. “But first, can we please talk about Luna?”

I grabbed the offered teacup and nodded. “I reckon we can. You gonna let me explain my side of the story before trying to hit me with love?”

She blushed. “That was… ill-advised. I apologize.”

I waved the hand that didn’t have tea in it. “No problem. It didn’t do me any harm. I imagine Luna had some explaining to do, though. Poor Pip…” I giggled. “But no matter. Long story short, Luna raped me using a unicorn mind link thing that doesn’t work correctly on people with no magic. I had no control of the situation and she did everything she apparently wanted to do to me. Some of that involved blood and stabbing me with a horn. And since the me I was in the mind link was not the me that I really am, I realized that what she loved was not me, but rather the idea of a warrior that she can own. Given that she spent the entire week completely disregarding every limit I set for her, I figured it was in my best interest to cut it off. That’s just how it is. Any questions?”

Shiny looked disturbed. Cadance just sighed. “I suppose that’s that… Now, about our proposition… During the week of our wedding, you and Chrysalis mentioned something called a…. ménage à trois, I think it was?”

I have a bad feeling about this. “Yes, Chrysalis jokingly mentioned that. The actual definition of one of those is a three way relationship, wherein three people are in an actual relationship that goes past just sex. What about it?”

Now they both looked somewhat uncomfortable. “We… we were wondering… Would you be interested in a threesome?” Cadance finally managed to get out. “Not a relationship, just sex!”

I set the cup on the table. “No.”

They waited a moment before sharing a look between themselves. Finally, they looked back to me and Shiny said, “Can you… give a reason?”

“I have very few rules when it comes to my partners. The main rule I hold sacrosanct is no married people ever. That’s one reason. Another is that Cadance reminds me way too much of my sister to even think about her in that way. If it was just an unmarried Shiny, sure, I’d bend you over a bed and fuck you till you screamed my name, but I’m not going to touch Cadance.” They both looked shocked. I don’t know what exactly they were shocked about, though; me saying no, me mentioning that Cadance reminded me of my sister, or me saying I would fuck Shiny. “So no, I won’t join you. I’m flattered by the offer, though. Do you need anything else?”

“Wait wait wait,” Cadance said, waving her hooves. “You would rather have sex with Shining Armor than me?”

I shrugged. “I don’t have sex with people that remind me of family. Besides, just look at him! You know his ass has gotta be tight.” He was steadily turning darker shades of red. “I wouldn’t mind breaking him in. If he wasn’t married, of course.”

“I’M TIGHT!” Cadance screamed. She glared at Shining Armor. “Tell him!”

I stood. “I’m just gonna go.”

Her horn lit up and it was then that I realized I wasn’t wearing my ring. I was forced back into my seat.

Shiny cleared his throat. “Well… Ever since you had the baby…”

I face-palmed. “Shiny, you’re in the dog house tonight.”

He looked at me, confused. I pointed to Cadance, who was looking at him with a shocked rage. “What. Did. You. Say?” she hissed at him.

“I really think I should go…” I commented.

Her head shot my way. “Quiet!” She turned back to Shiny, still glaring.

He gulped. “Well, it’s been… lackluster ever since you had Skyla.” I still say that’s a terrible name. “I love you, it’s just…”

“They obviously don’t teach you common sense at the guard academy,” I idly commented as I strained against the bonds.

“Hmph! I bet I know somepony that would appreciate me!” Her eyes moved to me and her glare lessened. She even put on a scary smile.

“No. Hell no. I’m not getting involved in this.”

She jumped across the room and grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. “TELL ME I’M PRETTY!”

“You’re beautiful!” She smiled and stopped shaking me. “Just not my type.” She grit her teeth and plopped down on my lap, giving me a pouty face.

I looked up at Shiny. “Please bring your wife under control.”

He sighed. “It’s her heat cycle.”

“So? Take her back to your room and fuck her silly. That worked for Luna, when she was willing to be reasonable.”

He looked away and mumbled something.

“Look,” I said, “your wife is in my lap. I am not okay with this.”

“I don’t last long, okay?!”

“I don’t need to hear this,” I sighed.

Cadance gave me a predatory grin from her position. “Luna and Celestia both told me a few stories…” she whispered.

“My answer is final. I’m not going to fuck you. Honestly, you’re beginning to disappoint me, Cadance. I thought you, at least, would be a friend that would never consider something like that. Now please get off me.”

She sighed and hopped down and walked back to her seat. Her rear was shaking a lot more than it should have been.

“Now, do you two need anything else?” I asked when she was properly seated away from me.

Cadance morosely shook her head. Shiny said, “Talk to me before you go on your mission. That’s all I ask, just talk to me later.”

“Talking is easy.” I stood. “I’ll see you both later.” Thankfully, they didn’t say a thing as I left. I went back to my room and just fell onto the bed.

I didn’t move until a furry monster jumped on my back and hugged me. I twisted around and wrapped Taya in my arms. “I missed you too, Taya,” I said. “Good news, though: From the sound of things, you’re going on my next job. That means it isn’t dangerous.” It better not be fucking dangerous. I’d kill a bitch if Celestia was trying to put Taya in danger.

“When are we leaving?”

“Don’t know. Hope it’ll be a few days. I need to fly to Ponyville to make an order with Rarity.”

“You can just do it now. Celestia is talking to her and Pinkie right now.”

I shot up, sending Taya tumbling to the bed. “Where?”

“The throne room, I think. Why?”

I jumped off the bed and walked to my bag. I took out the key and slipped the ring onto a finger. “Stay here. I’ll be back soonish.” As an afterthought, I slung the axe over a shoulder as I opened the door and ran down the hall. Walking to the throne room from that bedroom usually takes ten minutes. I made it in one. I skidded to a halt in front of the door and looked the guards over. “I’m going in.”

“The princess is in a private meeting,” the unicorn guard answered. The pegasus guard looked me up and down and gulped.

I popped my knuckles. “Have we met before?” I asked, my voice harsh.

They shared a look. “I’ll see if she’s free,” the unicorn said in a shaky voice. He pushed the door open an inch and looked inside. He turned back to me in time to see me kick the door open.

It slammed in and rebounded off the wall. I caught it as I walked in. “Celestia, I would like to report a crime.” The guards followed me in, stammering excuses. “Rape.” Both of the guards shut up, staring at me in horror.

Rarity and Pinkie both flinched.

“It’s a little late, I’ll admit,” I commented, walking in farther. Celestia was giving me a pleading look. “A little late… But such crimes are unforgivable, I’ve heard.”

“We talked about this, Nav!” Celestia said.

I crossed my arms and said, “How far are you willing to go to protect them? What are they worth compared to everyone else?”

“They keep everypony safe! I can’t help that, Nav.”

“That’s interesting… You know, I’ve heard you call me the protector of your ponies. Are they truly so much more important than I, that you would let them get away with such an atrocity?”

“If I may—” Rarity whispered.

I cut her off. “You may not. Adults are talking.” She blushed in anger.

Celestia sighed. “Nav… I’m sorry. But you know there’s nothing I can do. As much as I hate to admit it, they’re more important than you are. Their image must be maintained. I can’t take action.”

I smirked. “I never knew the naga were that important to you.” I nodded once. “Sorry for interrupting your meeting, ladies. Rarity, I have an order to make before you go back to Ponyville.”

“W-what?” Celestia whispered, her voice almost gone.

I blinked. “The rapist was a naga. I wanted to report an incident that happened the first time I went to their caves.” I raised an eyebrow and innocently said, “Why Celestia, whatever did you think we were talking about?” Her mouth just dropped. “Hm. I’ll see you all later.”

“Have a fun trip, Nav!” Pinkie answered.

“I hope to. Remember to take care of those bits.” She nodded and I left the throne room, smiling when I got out. The guards hastily closed the door again.

“That was evil,” Flo said.

“Yeah, well, I’ve turned evil,” I answered aloud, getting a look from a passing servant. “It’s not like I really care anymore. There’s no ‘maybe’ at all about me leaving. You and I both know that. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Be that as it may, you do not need to antagonize any of the ponies. Like it or not, they are useful allies.”

“I know. But they are so easy to fuck with. Even Celestia’s getting to be an easy target now. Did you see the look on her face? Completely blindsided.” I paused for a moment. “I probably shouldn’t be talking to myself in the middle of the hall in the royal palace that holds the two people I absolutely don’t want to think I’m insane.” I wish I had a picture of the look a passing servant gave me when I said that.

“That is correct,” Flo answered.

I shut up and swaggered along the corridor. I want to say that I walked down it, but at that point, I think I was swaggering about like I owned the place.

“Again, that is correct,” Flo helpfully commented. “You might want to tone it down.” I did so, sadly. As awkward as it was to have a friend and her husband ask me for a threesome, it still made me feel pretty good that they asked.

I made it back to my room with no interruptions to find Taya sitting there, still looking somewhat confused. “Told you I’d be back,” I said as I pulled the axe off my back. “So what’s going on in Ponyville?” I joined her on the bed.

“Nothing big. It’s still just as boring as it was the day I got there.”

“Glad you think it is. I’m leaving in a year and you can come with me if you want.”

“Leaving?”

“Equestria. Entirely. I want you to stay, but you wouldn’t listen and a unicorn would be useful. You can come with me on a few conditions that we can talk about later. Think about it. And I mean truly think about it. We’ll probably be going into very harsh and unwelcoming places. Just tell absolutely no one. I’ll be making the offer to a few other people in Equestria, but for the most part no one will know about it until the day before I leave, if I even tell them then.”

“Why are we leaving?”

“Long story short, fuck Celestia and fuck Luna. That’s all you need to know. Now, do you want to go to the museum?”

She blinked. “Uh, not really?”

“Well, I’m sure I can find something for you to do while I go. I want to ask the curator about the spear and about my sword. I’ll wait until Rarity comes by, though; I need her to make me some stuff. Well, we’re both going to need some stuff for where we’re going, but that’s only if you do decide to go.” An odd thought struck me. “Oh, and by the way, continue avoiding Cadance. She’s been in an odd mood recently.”

“Don’t worry, I plan to. I don’t want to be forced to play filly games.”

And I don’t want her to be used against me. Although Cadance wouldn’t do that, I don’t think. At this point, I wouldn’t put anything past a horny mare.

“So what kind of job are we doing?” she asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I answered with a shrug. I was going to say more but my door slammed open and a very irate looking Rarity stormed in. “Sup, Marshmallow?”

“Don’t you ‘sup marshmallow’ me!” she raged.

“Taya, activate cuteness!”

Taya hopped on my lap and curled up, peeking out of her little filly ball with big, watering eyes. “You… you aren’t gonna hurt my daddy, are you?” Her voice cracked on the word daddy.

“That’s cheating! You stop protecting that… that human!”

Taya hugged me. “But he saved me! Please don’t hurt him!”

“You get off him right this instant, young missy!”

“Cute harder,” I whispered.

Rarity started growling.

Taya let me go and said in a very calm and very cold voice, “If you even think about hurting him, I will end you.”

Rarity’s mouth dropped.

I cleared my throat. “I think I need to have a talk with Applebloom about what she’s teaching you. Now you go wait outside, Taya. I have my ring on, so don’t you worry about her.”

Taya hopped down and trotted to the door. She turned back and lifted a hoof to her eyes before pointing it at Rarity in an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. With that, she magically pulled the door closed.

“I swear to God, I did not teach her that,” I said.

“We will talk about that later,” Rarity hissed. “You made the princess cry!”

“…Seriously?” She stiffly nodded. “Two down, one to go!”

She jumped forward to slap me, but I fell back onto the bed, caught her leg as she reached out, and pulled her on top of me. “I didn’t know you just wanted to get me in bed,” I whispered.

She reached back with her other front leg and punched me right in the gut. I let her go and she pushed away from me. “I deserved that,” I groaned, clutching at my stomach.

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?” she haughtily asked.

“I also need to make an order,” I managed to get out. I was having trouble breathing… Hooves are fucking hard. I heard her step close to me again and lift another hoof. My hand ripped a dagger out of its sheath and I forced myself to the side in time to dodge the hoof as it came down. I slammed the pommel into her knee and jumped up. I kicked her other front leg out before she realized how much pain she was in. Her front side flopped to the bed, leaving her ass hanging in the air. “Now, are we going to be civil about this? Or should I go ahead and get revenge while you’re in the perfect position?”

“I’ll… I’ll be good…” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes.

I nodded. “Do you want me to get Taya to heal that? I know it hurts.” I slid the knife up.

“No… I’ll let it remind me.”

“Of what? To not pick fights with people that kill for a living?” I walked over to the door and pulled the gong thingy.

A moment later a voice crackled, “Yes?”

“Send a bag of ice to my room, please,” I said.

“Yes, Sir Navarone.”

I turned back to find Rarity had taken up residence on my bed, nursing her front knees. “Now, what happened?” I asked, crossing my arms.

She sighed. “Pinkie told the princess about… what we did to you. A few minutes ago, Pinkie showed up at my boutique saying that the princess wanted to see me immediately. Taya and I were bundled into the back of a chariot that was too small for the three of us and we were brought here. The princess had barely gotten past the civilities before you kicked the door in and…” She looked away for a moment before continuing, “When you left, she was silent for a full minute before she slowly started to cry. We tried to cheer her up before I came here.”

I sighed. “I’m not gonna lie: What I did to Celestia was absolutely evil. I put her in an unwinnable situation. She can’t do anything to you because you’re one of the elements. But she knows that it’s completely unfair after all that’s been done to me for me to be unable to get any justice. I can’t imagine that she’s ever been in a position like this before. Well, except for that one time with Luna.” I shrugged. “Either way, it was fun. For me, I mean, not for her. Now, I need to make an order.”

“Nav… Why?” I opened my mouth. “And you know I’m not referring to your order.”

I sighed. “Luna made the ponies dream about me on purpose. Celestia knew and did nothing. That did not make me happy, as I’m sure you can imagine. After what Luna did, and then to get away with that?” I shook my head. “No, I was not very happy at all.”

“Wait, are you saying that everypony had those dreams?”

“Every single one. Including Taya.” Her mouth dropped. “Yeah. You wouldn’t believe the number of awkward looks I’ve gotten these past few days. And Luna will receive no punishment for it. Even thinking about this pisses me off. Can we talk about my order or anything else?”

There was a knock on the door. I opened it and was given a small bag of ice. I thanked the fellow and let Taya in and closed the door again. I tossed the ice pack to Rarity. She caught it with magic and said, “I suppose…”

“I need some heavy winter clothing. Sub-zero temperatures and heavy winds.” I walked over to my bag and pulled out my goggles and held them up. “I also need some kind of padding around the eyes on these things. I want an airtight seal if possible, but I also need a way to keep the freezing metal from hitting my face.”

Rarity hmmed. “Where are you going, to need all that?”

“Business for the princess. It’s a punishment for something I did, not important. I don’t need it immediately, though I’d prefer to have it sooner rather than later.”

“It’ll take a few weeks… I have some things I have to take care of first.”

“That’s perfectly fine,” I said with a nod. “As long as you don’t bankrupt me and you have it done within two months I’ll be okay.”

“No no no! I couldn’t charge for royal business!”

I smiled. “Silly Rarity. I’m going to pay you if I have to shove the money down your throat.”

“Uh huh. You know, when I felt your stomach, it was awfully empty,” she said in a dangerous tone.

“Don’t make Taya get cute again,” I warned, shaking a finger.

Rarity smirked. “Taya dear, has your father been eating well?”

Taya cast her judgmental eyes upon me and looked me up and down. “I don’t think so…”

“I ate while I was there,” I quickly said. Of course, I don’t think Kumani counts as a nutritious meal. I had plenty of other stuff, though.

“Oh, but you’re still so unhealthy!” Rarity said. “Shouldn’t we take care of him, Taya?”

I’m glad I was still wearing my ring. I’m also glad that the timely entrance of a heavily drunk Cadance stopped Taya from commenting at all.

“Am I pretty enough for you now?!” Cadance angrily slurred. Shiny was trying to pull her back, but she had the magic of an alicorn and the strength of an earth pony, so she was easily ignoring his attempts. I noticed her face was caked with makeup or something and she was dressed in what I would call a slutty outfit if she was a human.

Three mouths dropped when she walked in and said that. Shiny just groaned and continued trying to pull her back.

There are not enough nopes in the world. “Cadance, what the hell?” I finally said.

Her horn lit up and nothing happened. She went cross-eyed to look at it. “Shtupid horn…” she muttered before fixing me with another glare. “Come on, Navi! Don’t you wanna come with me?”

“Shiny, can I knock your wife out?”

His eyes went wide. “What?!”

Cadance was muttering something. “…Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” she suddenly shouted as she turned around and thrust her ass in the air. That was too much for her alcohol-fueled mind, and she passed out with her ass up and her tail on her back. Her head hit the floor with a thump. I was left with an unwanted view that also wasn’t unpleasant.

I looked up at Shiny. “We will talk about this later.” I turned around to Rarity and Taya, who were still staring in complete shock. “We will never talk about this again. Pretend it never happened. Rarity, go cheer Celestia up and don’t forget my order. Taya, let’s go to the museum.”

“Nav, I’m so, so sorry!” Shiny said, his voice pleading.

I turned back to him. “It is not later yet. Clean your wife up, put her in bed, and make sure she stays in your room. Tie her if you have to. If she comes to me like this again, I will deal with her myself. Until proven otherwise, I will assume that her heat cycle is especially harsh because she just had a foal.” I grabbed my sword from its position against the wall. “Come on, Taya.”

She quickly followed me out, skirting along the passed out pony princess perched precariously—fuck alliteration, I’ve been here too long. Taya followed me out, leaving an awkward silence behind us.

“What just—” she started, but I cut her off.

“No.”

“…Okay.” We walked through the palace in silence for a minute or two. “So am I going with you on the cold job?”

“That wasn’t the job for the princess. That was me lying so Rarity wouldn’t ask questions. When I leave Equestria, the first place I’m going will probably be really, really cold.”

“Then why did you tell her two months?”

“To put a sense of urgency on it and so she doesn’t ask as many questions. If she feels that I need it quickly, she’ll waste less time asking questions and spend more time doing it. I’ll also be doing something within two months for the princess, so I’ll be able to say that I used the cold gear for that. And I didn’t lie about the job you’re going to help me with; it really is a punishment for something I did.”

“What did you do?”

“Killed some people while they were down. They had been trying to kill me, so I consider it fair play. Celestia agreed with me, but used the law to make me do something anyway.”

“So why are we going to the museum?”

“To see the spear of destiny and to learn more about it and maybe my sword. I know you don’t want to go, but I’m not leaving you here to plot with Rarity or to possibly get nabbed by a hormonal Cadance. It shouldn’t take too long anyway; from what I’ve heard, no one knows much of anything about the spear.” Really, it was just an excuse to get away from the castle.

Thankfully, it got us away from the castle with no further interruptions. We were walking aimlessly for a few minutes before Taya asked an important question. “So where’s the museum?”

“Absolutely no clue,” I answered with a shrug.

“Then how are we going to get there?”

“Ask a guard. Why do you think we’ve been walking along high-maintenance streets?”

“Because it’s Canterlot?” That’s a valid point; all the streets in Canterlot are high-maintenance. It’s one of the reasons that I hate that city. There is no seedy, red light district. Or I should rather say, there isn’t one that’s easily accessed. I’ve caught glimpses of the underground nightlife of that place, but they were little more than peeks.

I stopped at the first guard we saw and asked, “Can you give me directions to the museum?”

He pointed a hoof down the road, but didn’t say anything.

I looked that way and saw nothing that distinguished that part of town from any other. “Can you be more specific?” I asked, turning back to him.

He sighed. “Go down this road, make a right past the chop shop, a left at the mill hill, ignore the lore door—it just tells lies anyway—take another right at the Proud Cloud, and the museum is right next to the Hen Inn.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Are you fucking with me?” I finally asked.

“Yes. It’s just right down the road. That’s why I pointed that way.”

“Stick to your day job, bro,” I commented as I led Taya along the road.

“Everypony’s a critic,” the guard muttered.

“And that’s why men never ask for directions,” I said when we were far enough away from the guard.

Taya didn’t comment.

When we got to the building that looked like the museum—mainly, because there was a sign that had the word museum on it—we took a moment to look it over. “Ponies sure don’t spend much time on the past, huh?” I said. The museum was not a large building and it didn’t look well maintained. Given Celestia’s habit of covering up the past, it makes sense that things like museums wouldn’t be used often. I would have to mention to her the idea of hiding in plain sight; give the ponies plenty of good history so they don’t question the background stuff and so they don’t look too closely in on the details.

“There’s not much in the history books, either,” Taya said as we walked right on in.

“Welcome to the Canterlot museum!” the receptionist said when she heard the bell ring. She didn’t look up until, “How can I—” She cut off when she saw me and a large blush went across her face.

I was tempted to make a joke about either my rod of destiny or making her dreams a reality, but I didn’t want to get kicked out just yet. I settled for saying, “Hi.”

She blinked. “How can I help you?” she asked, her eyes dipping to my hands and back to my face quickly. She was still blushing.

“Is there a researcher available? I have some questions about two artifacts.”

She cleared her throat. “Um. Which two?”

“The spear of destiny and this,” I said, drawing my sword and setting it on the counter between us.

She shrank back when I drew the sword, but she jumped forward with elation in her eyes when she saw the runes on the blade. “Where did you get this?” she asked, not looking up.

“I found it on an underground shrine, near Appaloosa. It’s enchanted with cold or something.”

She traced one of the runes with a hoof. “Not the same,” she muttered. “Different civilizations, possibly? When did you find this?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. A few months ago? Celestia didn’t know anything about it. Think you can shed some light?”

She looked up and shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. We know very little about the spear and we’ve had it for years. The runes on this sword are more prominent, though. Here, bring it to the research hall.” She put a sign up on the desk facing the door and led us farther in. I grabbed the sword and off we went into the museum. “This is an outstanding find. How well preserved was the location you found it in?”

“Perfectly. It was an underground, petrified forest. In the middle was an altar. There was also an angry giant spider that didn’t want me to take the sword.”

“Filthy bugs,” she growled. “No respect for history! Always trying to eat the tapestries we find…”

“Spiders aren’t bugs. And they don’t eat tapestries. If you had more spiders here, they would probably eat the bugs that do eat the tapestries.”

“And then we’d have spiders here! We already have few enough visitors. Do you want to scare away the few we do have with spiders?”

“If bugs eat all your exhibits, you won’t have any visitors anyway.”

She sniffed. “I’d like to see a bug try to eat the spear of destiny. They’d be zapped instantly.”

“…Zapped?” I asked.

She nodded. “One reason the spear was given its name is because only a very small number of ponies can touch it without getting a painful shock. We let anypony try, if they want to; the shock isn’t dangerous, after all.”

“Have you discovered any correlation between those that can touch it safely?”

“After years of trying, no. Of the small number of those that visit the museum, an even smaller number even try to touch it. Of that number, less than fifteen have not gotten shocked. Most of them were willing to answer questions, but not all.”

“Have you discovered any other interesting properties about the weapon?”

“No, but we also haven’t tried using it for what it was meant for. I know of you and your… career. Have you used the sword?”

“Yeah. It cuts through armor like butter. It destroyed a poorly made sword. I’m sure it can do more, but I don’t purposefully look for fights to test it.”

“Interesting…” We were finally in her research hall or whatever. Some old stallion was reading a book and somehow making notes with his hoof and a quill. He didn’t even look up from his spot over to the side. She led us to the big table in the center of the room. “Set the sword down.”

I did so. She rummaged around in a drawer under the table and pulled some kind of wand out. She held it over the sword and muttered some words. The wand jolted so hard and fast that it flew out of her grasp and clattered to the floor. “Impossible!” She looked up at me. “Do you have any other magic items on you?”

“Yeah. Do I need to take them away?”

She looked from the sword to me. “What do you have?”

“A magic nullifying ring, cursed gender changing stones, and a key that opens any lock.”

The stallion looked up. “Can I borrow that key?” he asked.

I pulled it out of my pocket and tossed it at him. “If you steal it, I’m taking the spear,” I said as he walked out. He lifted a hoof in acknowledgement.

“If that key of yours works, there will be one less great mystery in the world,” she idly commented as she pulled some paper out.

“What do you mean?”

“Somepony dug up a rock chest one day in their backyard. They didn’t know what it was, but anypony could tell by looking at it how old it was. It passed hooves for years until it ended up here. No pony could open it, not even the greatest locksmiths.” She was tracing the runes on the sword onto the paper. “Or maybe he’s opening the jammed filing cabinet. The intern lost the key to that thing months ago and we never bothered unsticking it.”

“So what can you tell me about the spear?” I asked.

“Almost nothing. It was found in Ponitaly a few years ago. It was found in a large buried and destroyed city of a civilization no pony has any records of. We asked the princesses, but they don’t know or aren’t saying. We really don’t know anything about it other than that it exists and it is magical.”

“Can I see it?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Sure. The museum is small enough that you should be able to find it easily.”

I nodded. “Don’t get attached to that sword. I’m taking it with me when I go.”

She shrugged, not looking up. “Not like anypony would come here to see it anyway. It belongs in a museum, but it might as well get used instead.”

I like her. She actually uses common sense.

Taya and I left that research hall behind and wandered around the museum. I quickly realized that this was not an art museum.

“IT OPENED! IT OPENED!” I shrugged and followed the voice. It led me past the spear and to a chest right next to it.

I took a look in. “Dude, it’s empty.”

“I KNOW!” He kicked the chest across the room. “Countless years, spent trying to open it! AND IT’S EMPTY! USELESS!” He fell to the floor. “A waste of time… Like so much…” A faint whistling sound in the room caught my attention before I realized there was nothing in there but the three of us.

I shared a look with Taya, shrugged, grabbed the key from where he had dropped it, and went to take a look at the spear. It looked like your average spear, to me, but then I don’t know much about medieval weaponry. There were runes carved into the handle and into the blade. It looked to have been made for a biped, but then I can’t really imagine a quadruped using weapons anyway. I reached a hand out to touch it and immediately pulled away when I heard and felt a painful zap on my hand.

“Son of a bitch!” I clutched my numb hand and glared at the spear. “Fine, be that way. You look too heavy for me to use anyway.” Stupid spear. “Taya, you want to try?”

“Not really. That looked painful.”

“That’s because it was painful. If this spear wants to be an asshole, I suppose we’re done here.”

“Daddy, why are you talking like it’s able to understand you?”

“To make it feel bad for what it did. Let’s go get my sword.”

“Why would an object feel bad about something?” she asked as we walked back through the museum.

“I don’t know. It made sense in my head. Let’s just call it a human thing and leave it at that.”

She sighed. “Sometimes I can’t help but think that you humans are silly.”

“I think it is you that is silly, and you are trying to compensate for your silliness by projecting it on me.”

This conversation continued until we made it to the research hall. I don’t have many moments like that with Taya, but when I do, they’re usually memorable.

“So what was in the chest?” the curator lady asked, not looking up from her table.

“Nothing. It was empty,” I answered.

She looked up. “That’s… disappointing. How did the spear work for you?”

“It didn’t. My hand is still numb. I blame Taya.”

“…Who?”

“He means me,” Taya answered.

The curator looked to Taya then to me. “And how is it her fault?”

“Oh, I never said it was. Now, can I have my sword back?”

“But… you blamed her.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t say it was her fault.”

The curator opened her mouth, but Taya said, “You shouldn’t try to understand him. He’s being silly, like normal.”

The curator sighed and shook her head. “I took down the markings that I could from your sword. If you aren’t going to be using it for a few days, would you mind if I borrowed it?”

“I’m deploying soon, or I would let you borrow it. I don’t know yet where I’m going or if I’ll need it, so I’ll have to keep it with me for now.”

She sighed. “Oh well. Did you see anything else you were interested in?”

I slid the sword back into my sheath with a shrug. “Bunch of pony stuff. None of the artifacts are really that interesting to me. There’s so little technological progression here that the artifacts of yesterday are close to or the same as the tools of today.”

She sighed yet again. “Yes, I know what you mean. That’s why things like this sword and the spear are so interesting. They predate ponies entirely! We don’t know who made them or how, or even what they’re made out of. We can barely study the spear because so few of us can touch it. We were hoping that when we could open the box, we would find something to explain some of the stranger artifacts that we’ve found. Such is the life of a historian in Equestria…”

“I wish I could help. There’s some ancient history in this place that I would pay very dearly to know about.” Like the Morpheus statue. Or how the spear of destiny here looks like a spear made for a human. I had a suspicion that was slowly digging its way out.

“We always accept donations,” she said with a shrug. “Not that many ponies come here anyway.”

I emptied my coin purse on the table. I always carry at least one with me, but I never pay attention to how much is in it. “If you need more later, let me know. I’m based in Ponyville. I can’t give too much just yet, as I’m saving for something big, but I can give you what I think I can spare.” Even if my suspicions couldn’t be proven, I could at the very least tweak Celestia’s nose by having a few historians dig around in buried history.

She looked rather surprised. “Really? You’re the first po—er, well, nonpony, to show any interest at all.”

“I know what happens when history is forgotten. It repeats itself. My people learned that lesson time and again, not like it did us any good. Who knows what you’ll find when you start looking? If you do happen to find anything that’s pre-pony, let me know. That’s where my interest is.”

She nodded. “I will. Thank you for your donation. Though if you don’t mind me asking, how much is it?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. I just throw some bits in a bag and stuff it in a pocket. Either way, I should probably get back to the palace. And you should probably go talk to the box guy. He seemed pretty distraught.”

She nodded. “Yes, I heard his voice screaming, but I couldn’t tell what he was saying. I’ll go talk to him.”

With that, Taya and I left the museum. “Is there anything you want to do while we’re in town?” I asked as we walked the gaudy streets of Canterlot.

“What is there to even do in this city?”

“Fuck if I know. Whenever I’m here, I’m usually fending off horny royalty.” Or giving in to horny royalty. “The one time I actually tried to explore the city away from royal guards, I got ambushed. And you know, I never did find out what came of that.”

“You won,” she answered, a hint of smugness in her voice.

“That I did. But I don’t know who ordered it or if he escaped. I don’t think he’ll try it again, though.” I should know better than to say things like that. I hastily looked around, making sure no one was stepping out of alleys. Thankfully, nothing seemed amiss. “So Twilight said some dogs showed up in Ponyville trying to make trouble. Do you know anything about it?”

“She mentioned it, but I didn’t care enough to pay attention to what she said. I usually ignore her when she isn’t teaching me magic.”

“I usually ignore her unless I need her, too. Whenever she starts going on about the magic of friendship, I just shut her out. I can’t use magic anyway, so why should I care if friends make it easier?”

“Have you ever tried?”

“Tried what? Friends? Yeah, once. It didn’t turn out well.”

“No, have you ever tried magic?”

I looked down at her to see she was looking up at me. I shrugged and looked back up. “No. Back home, they tell you that you can do anything you put your mind to. It took me a while to learn that they were lying. Humans can’t use magic. Wanting it wouldn’t change that.”

“Do you want it?”

I thought about all the things that I could have done or prevented if I could use magic. “It would be useful. But I would like to retain at least some of my humanity. I’m already a fucking freak now, there’s no reason to add magic into the mix.”

She quietly said, “You’re not a freak.”

I didn’t answer. There was no reason to. I knew what would happen if I ever happened to get back home. If I could keep the wings hidden or cut them off, I could pass as a semi-normal person. I would just have to keep moving constantly so I wouldn’t have to explain why I wasn’t aging anymore. And if I ever got sick, I couldn’t go to the doctor; as soon as they saw my blood, it would be over.

She continued, “It doesn’t matter what any of them think. You’re my daddy and you’re not a freak.”

The rest of the walk back to the castle was silent.

Shiny called me to his office soon after I put Taya to bed. I hadn’t seen Rarity or Pinkie since I left the palace, so I assumed they were gone. I sat at the offered chair and tried to make myself comfortable around my wings. “So,” I said after a moment of silence.

He sighed. “You know her, Nav. She isn’t usually like that. It’s just… things have been a bit lackluster recently.”

“Typical post-marriage and post-baby relationship problem. It’s completely normal. Just… why me?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Do you really need to ask? We’re all friends, as much as you try to pretend to hate Cadance. Given your reputation and some rumors we’ve both heard, are you really surprised she would ask you, of anypony?”

I sighed. I suppose I should have known some of what I did would come back to bite me in the ass. “I trust you understand why I said no, then?”

“No, I don’t. I know you’re willing to have sex with pretty much anything that moves. Including,” and here he blushed quite heavily, “me. Which is something else I want to talk about. But why not my wife?”

“Because of the wife part. I have a small number of rules. No married people. In fact, no taken people. No diseased or sick people, if there’s a good chance I can catch whatever they have. No one I can get pregnant unless I can protect against it. My two newest rules are no mares in heat unless they showed a prior interest and I’m not going to stick my dick in crazy again. Your wife fits at least two of those. If you get divorced, we’ll talk.”

“Well at least you have a few standards you stick to,” he muttered. “But you said you wouldn’t do anything to Cadance at all, even if she wasn’t married. Why?”

“No prior interest while she’s in heat. I learned my lesson.”

“Then… why me?”

“To see your reaction, mostly. But after going through some stuff recently, I’m not as afraid of experimentation as I used to be. I wouldn’t mind giving it at least one shot. And from my experience, guys seem to be considerably less crazy than chicks here. I don’t know if it would hold true in a relationship, though.”

“It also doesn’t help that you tend to attract mares that are used to getting their way.”

I waved a hand. “All that aside, why the hell did Cadance barge into my room earlier, drunk and acting like a complete slut?”

He looked away. “The griffin king gave us a gift when we left. We haven’t been touching it, but she decided earlier that she would need some liquid courage before talking to you the first time. She only had a little when we first asked. That little turned into a lot when you said no. She was… quite surprised.”

“Now, the main question: Will she do that shit again? I do not need another crazy princess on my case. I got enough crazy everything else to deal with.”

“Her heat cycle should end tomorrow. It’s as you said, her recent pregnancy has made it hard on her. I don’t think this will ever come up again, aside from when she apologizes to you. Now, I have some questions for you, if you don’t mind answering them.”

“I got time. I’m pretty sure Luna’s going to summon me eventually, but with me wearing my ring, she’s going to have to track me down the hard way. What do you need?”

He grinned awkwardly. “I’m really not good at sex. Can you… give me tips, maybe?”

I sighed and began explaining things. I was hoping what he learned from my mind about Kat would have been enough. Obviously not. I started explaining about foreplay.

Some time later, I found myself standing in front of Luna. “You’ve been avoiding me,” she commented.

“Why does everyone think that? Of course we don’t see each other often, we live in different cities.”

“As foreign as the concept may seem to you, my sister and I talk to each other.” See, this is why I don’t trust people.

“I don’t know why that would seem foreign to me. Back when I still had a sister, I spoke to her. Probably not as much as I should have, but I did talk to her.” I really wished I could talk to just about anyone in my family again, too. You don’t realize how much you grow to depend on people when you have someone available at the touch of a few buttons. When you get completely cut off from accessing anyone in your family… It’s pretty terrible.

Luna’s face softened from its relatively cold stance. “That isn’t what I meant. Nav, please just talk to me. I… I know what I did was wrong. Terrible, even. But can’t you look past it so we can at least continue being friends?”

“I already said I could. It’s just hard. As I’m sure you know, the feeling of being betrayed is terrible. It takes some time to get over. But talking is easy. Something you apparently know quite well. Someone told Cadance some certain things and she decided a threesome between her, me, and Shiny would be fun.”

She blinked. “What?” She was pretty much completely surprised.

“Cadance asked me to fuck her.”

She took a moment to process it. “Huh.” Then she grinned. “Trouble in paradise, I assume?”

“Shiny is not good at sex, apparently. A certain someone told Cadance that I am very good at sex.”

She was still grinning. “So when are you going to ruin their marriage? Have you decided on a date yet?”

“I’m not. I told them no.” And she was shocked again. “Seriously? Does everyone think I’m that much of a whore? I mean, even I have some standards!”

“Chrysalis is up to those standards, but Cadance is not?”

“Yes. Chrysalis may be a several thousand year old evil bitch that only lets me anywhere near her because I’m useful, but she isn’t married.”

She shook her head. “You never cease to astound me. So how did Cadance take the news?”

“Poorly. She showed up at my room half an hour later, drunk and caked with makeup and wearing a slutty dress, demanding I fuck her. She did this right in front of Taya and Rarity and her husband. She passed out after doing a little dance, leaving her ass in the air and her tail on her back, giving me an admittedly pleasant view of her goods. While normally I would find that amusing, I don’t think it was good for Taya and Rarity to see it.”

Luna was in the middle of a giggle fit. “She… she what?”

“She came into my room. Essentially told me to fuck her. Then did some kind of dance or something and wound up with her face on the floor and her ass in my face.”

“Oh ho, that’s rich! If only somepony had a camera… She wouldn’t be so quick to go around making me kiss foals if I had a few pictures of her presenting herself in such a manner!”

“How did that go, anyway? We kinda let the fallout of that hit you two.”

She grimaced. “It did not go well. Thankfully, it was easily excused by Cadance’s actions. At least half of the castle was affected. But when you have a princess kissing a foal—making out, as you call it—attention is given to that. Even if half of Canterlot was affected, either of us getting caught like that would tarnish our image. Even worse, in my case. And yet, Cadance wouldn’t even tell me what sparked the chase. Why was she trying to hit you with a spell?”

“Because of how our relationship ended. She’s the love princess, and she thought… Well, it doesn’t matter what she thought. She is not going to be doing that again.”

“I know. I made it very clear what would happen to her if she brought that horrid magic anywhere near me again. Sadly, now that I have you talking again, I’m going to have to send you off. There is somepony you must meet in town. She has been wanting to meet you for some time, but your respective duties have kept you away from each other. I figured it would be prudent to give her time off to meet you now, rather than have you two meet for the first time later.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Setting me up with a date already? I’m shocked.”

She rolled her eyes. “It is time you met my captain of the guard. She was picked for efficiency and skill, not politics. By all rights, she should be in Shining Armor’s position. But Celestia has ever been in charge of ruling, while I was in charge of making sure the country ran. Not even a thousand years changes that, it seems.”

“So where am I supposed to meet her?”

“Return to your room. Sunshine Smiles will guide you to their den. It is a haven for the night guards. Not all of the ponies in the city accept their new appearances. Some have been vocal about it. So now they have a few small places in the city they can go to deal with stress.”

“Sounds cool. Have fun doing your princess stuff.”

She sighed. “It is rarely fun. But then, Celestia’s job is considerably more taxing. If I had to listen to all of those inane requests day in and day out, I would murder somepony.”

“I know that feel. I’ll talk to you later, Luna.”

I left the throne room and walked through the relatively silent halls back to my room. I found Smiles standing outside my door, not in armor. “Are you ready to meet the captain?” he asked.

“Not just yet. Wait here.” I quietly snuck into my room and grabbed my crossbow, my quiver, and a strand of throwing knives. I just as quietly left, hopefully not waking Taya up. I shut the door behind me and nodded. “I am now. Lead the way.”

We were a few feet down the hall when he said, “You won’t need those, you know. I’ve told you before, the night guard is watching you very closely, Nav. We won’t let anything happen to you when we’re in charge.”

“I didn’t make it this far in my line of business by taking chances. Yeah, I know you guys have my back, but I’d rather know that I can protect myself than be forced to rely on someone else.” I loaded my crossbow as a way of punctuating my statement.

He shook his head. “You’re too paranoid. I know you flinch almost every time anypony touches you. Are all of your kind like this?”

“No. Just a good number of us that have seen the elephant. You don’t go through what I’ve gone through and come out normal.”

“…What’s an elephant?”

“A metaphor for war, in this case. It’s actually a giant mammal that’s near on three times my height and twenty times your weight. Seeing the elephant is an old phrase that went out of style for describing going to war or seeing battle. And let me tell you, I’ve seen some horrible stuff out there.”

He sighed. “You aren’t alone, Nav. But I think what is horrible for you is considerably different from what is horrible to us.”

“Not different, just advanced. But that isn’t important, nor is it a fun discussion topic. Tell me about where we’re going.”

“Essentially, it’s a bar in an old royal storage chamber. It’s where a lot of the off duty night guards go. They have all kinds of things. When the princess wants us to unwind, she gives us the best. Most of us stay away from the heavier stuff, though. It wouldn’t do for those of us tasked with keeping the peace to upset it ourselves, after all.”

“So we’re going to a bar. Cool. How many guards do you expect to be there?”

“Around twenty, maybe. There might be more, if they find out that you’re going to be there. A good number of them really want to pay you back for all you’ve done for us. Oh, and one other thing: Not all of the guards we have are ponies. We are less selective than Celestia’s day guard, and prefer efficiency over looks. We have at least one changeling and a few griffins. We didn’t know about the changeling until just recently, but none of us hold the actions of his kind against him. He may once have been a spy for Chrysalis, but the princess had a talk with him and he chose to renounce his allegiance to the changelings in favor of ours. He’s great for undercover operations, not that we have many.”

“Cool, so not many people. Now, what can you tell me about the guard captain? I know we’ve spoken about her before, but we didn’t have much time.”

“She’s probably one of the best guard captains we’ve had in years. By all rights, she should be in charge of the entire guard. Sadly, politics and Celestia ruined that for her. When Cadance started getting a crush on Shining Armor—and when Twilight was made Celestia’s personal student—his family very quickly rose in prominence and power. There was a lot more to it and they almost never exercise any of that power, but Celestia decided it would be prudent to make Shining Armor the captain of the guard. I will admit that he is good at what he does, but he is far from the best. He would be much better as a training officer. He’s way too disciplined and uptight to be leading the guard. That’s the real reason I took Celestia’s offer to join the night guard. But that’s more about Shining than it is about Midnight. Honestly, it’s better you meet her yourself. I will say this, though: She’s a big fan of yours. She’s the only member of the night guard that specifically requested fangs after she learned you had a set when you looked like us. From what I’ve heard her say, she admires your methods and your ability to get things done.”

That wasn’t a good sign. My methods shouldn’t be admired, they should be tolerated. Still, I wasn’t expecting anything that bad. I mean, she was still a pony. “Anything in specific I should know?” I asked.

“Don’t play poker with her. Though now that I think about it, you didn’t have any trouble clearing everypony out back in Gryphus. You might give her a challenge. And please don’t flirt with her.”

“I remember you saying that back in Frankfurt. Is there a reason?”

“The last stallion that tried flirting with her ended up in the hospital.”

“Is that because she put him there, or was that someone else?”

“Well… It started as her and then some patrolling night guards found her and thought she was apprehending a criminal and it all went downhill from there. Blueblood never so much as looked at her after that.”

“Oh, it was Blueblood that was doing the flirting? No wonder she stomped a mud hole in him. You know I’m better than that. But if it makes you feel any better, I won’t do any flirting unless it seems like she would be receptive. Fair?”

“Your funeral,” he sighed.

“Don’t worry about me, mate. I’ve been through worse.” If anything can top Luna, I’d eat my hat. Of course, I don’t own any hats, so make of that what you would. “So where is this place, anyway?” We had been walking through town for a few minutes.

“It’s pretty far away from the palace. We don’t want Shining knowing we have a place outside of his authority. Yes, it is sponsored by Luna, but he still has the power to make our life Tartarus if he gets word about some of what we have.”

“Sounds to me like someone needs to slap his shit, then. It isn’t his problem what anyone does in their off time.”

“Exactly the princess’s opinion. Though from the sound of things, you’ve already had plenty of turns roughing him up.”

I smiled darkly. “Yeah. The first three times he tried to steal things from my mind, it did not end well for him. The fourth time he tried to steal from my mind ended up with him having his trachea collapsed and unable to breathe. It was a good thing Celestia was standing right there to help him. And then there was the tournament.”

He nodded. “And it hasn’t done any good, either. He’s still just as much of a hardass.” We saw a donkey that was taking a late night stroll glaring at us. “No offense to you, of course,” he hastily added. The donkey hmphed and walked off, nose held high. Smiles put his head down sheepishly.

“Eh, he probably wouldn’t have put out anyway,” I commented when I hoped the donkey was out of earshot. “Besides, did you see his ass? Nasty red zit, just sticking out at you.” Smiles demonstrated his name at that. “Shiny isn’t going to bother you for much longer, though. Soon enough he’ll be gone, headed to whatever their place is called. Doesn’t matter to me who’s in control of the guard, anyway; my orders come from Celestia and Luna, no one else. Shiny has tried to rein me in. It didn’t work.”

His grin widened. “I know. I was there when the princess mentioned how she took some memories from him. Shame he doesn’t remember… It would do him good to have his nose tweaked.”

We heard a voice from an alley whisper, “Watch what you say, Smiles.” My crossbow shot up before I saw the outline of a night guard. She nodded to me before melting away into the alley.

“I told you we had your back,” Smiles said with a shrug.

“I don’t know if I like the idea of being watched by guards that report to Luna,” I replied as I slung the crossbow back up.

“She doesn’t know we’re looking out for you. It’s purely volunteer and all off the record.”

“What I meant by that is I don’t know if I like that I’m being watched at all.”

He shrugged again. “You might not like it, but we’re not going to stop. If you’re in Canterlot and you’re walking around at night, it’ll be with some of us around. We will not let you get hurt. After that windfall bonus you gave us and then what you did for me… We aren’t used to high ranking ponies looking out for us. We’re used to being ordered around with no rhyme or reason. When you showed up and made reasonable orders and explained those that weren’t, it was something we loved. We don’t get many officers that know what they’re doing in the field. Too few to risk losing them to something stupid like politics or those hired thugs that attacked you a few weeks ago.”

“I brutally murdered one of those thugs, hurt one so badly that he almost died before we got him to Celestia, knocked one clean out, and made the other run away in terror.”

“And there won’t be a next time, because we won’t allow it.”

I sighed and dropped the point. I could force them to stop if I really felt it necessary, but I couldn’t deny that having some trained guards looking out for me would be useful. “So where is this place, anyway?”

“Oh, we passed it a few times now. You didn’t notice that we’ve been walking around the same block for a few minutes?”

I smacked him in the back of the head. He grinned and led the way down the alley that the other night guard disappeared down. “If you’re leading me down here to rape me, I’ll never forgive you,” I idly commented, making note of how there were several symbols carved into the grime on the walls. Not all of Canterlot is kept clean, it seems. I didn’t go down many dark alleys, but I might start now.

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he somehow grabbed the ring on a cellar door cunningly hidden in the cobblestone and yanked upward. I looked down and saw that it led to a staircase that went down at an angle. I could see lights on at the end and could hear the sound of laughter and chatter come from that way. I shrugged and started going down. He followed me, pulling the door closed behind us.

“And now that I have you right where I want you…” he said, turning to find my crossbow aimed dead at his face. “Joking! Luna’s sake, Nav, I’ve seen what that thing does to a pony!”

“Never joke about raping me,” I said, putting the crossbow up. “I will tolerate many things. That is not one of them. Now let’s go.”

He blinked in surprise as I turned to walk down the stairs. Whatever he was thinking, he quickly caught up. I took a deep breath before I turned the corner and walked right into a scene from a D&D game. At the table closest to the door and the bar sat a cute bat pony playing poker with a white stallion and a dark griffin. The mare had fangs and was obviously winning, and the other two players didn’t look that amused. From her fangs I assumed she was the captain. Behind them was the bar, with stacks of barrels going up to the relatively high roof and a few bottles of all kinds on a lower rung under the barrels. A unicorn was acting as bartender, floating a bottle to a depressed looking stallion sitting on one of the stools. Several tables dotted the room, each with a few bat ponies talking and drinking something from mugs of all kinds. It was at that point that I noticed that not all of the bat ponies had golden eyes. Some of them were green and a few were blue. One of the guys was even wearing an eye patch.

None of them noticed us. I ignored whatever Smiles was trying to do and walked up to the table with the cute mare. “Mind if I join in for a few hands?” I asked.

“Long as you got the bits,” the female griffin sighed, not looking up from the winning hand the mare had.

The stallion that was actually facing me looked up, confusion on his face. “Sir Navarone!” he yelled, jumping out of his chair. Now that got the attention of almost everyone in the room.

“Sit,” I answered as I pulled a chair out for me. “If you’re going to act like I’m an officer, I’m leaving. That goes for everyone except the bartender, assuming officers get free drinks.” With that, I sat down.

The stallion slowly rejoined us. While he was doing that, I took a quick look around the bar, trying to gauge reactions. For the most part, all that they were doing was staring. A few conversations didn’t even stop as I walked in, probably some of the ponies that already knew me. Some of them looked tempted to come talk to me. I saw that Smiles had joined a table near mine, the one with the guard that had the eye patch. He cast the occasional nervous glance over at me as I gathered the cards up from the last game and began shuffling.

“Game?” I asked as my hands continued their motions.

“Poker,” the captain answered. “Unless you can think of a better.”

“Good enough for me,” I said, passing out cards. “Hope you don’t mind if we talk while we play, though. Smiles left a few details out while we were talking on the way here.”

“He probably had his eyes on a stallion,” the white guy said, picking up his hand. “He gets like that when he’s around somepony he fancies.” He smiled and rearranged his hand.

“What do you want to know?” the griffin asked, also picking up her hand. Her beak clenched and she muttered something.

“Your names, first,” I answered, picking up my hand. “He mentioned the night guard had a few griffins and a changeling. I see two of those are represented here. He did not mention the captain was so cute, but I won’t hold that against him.”

All three of them looked up at that. “How did you know I was a changeling?” the stallion asked.

“You looked up when I spoke and your expression was confused before you realized who I was. Changelings have a small ability to sense at least basic moods, and I’m invisible to that ability. That, and you’re the only white guy here. It’s the easiest way to distinguish you while also making sure no one freaked if they came in and saw you.”

They looked impressed. The mare spoke up, “How did you know I was the captain?”

“Your fangs,” I answered with a shrug. “Smiles did mention those. Weird to see on a pony’s face, but they fit nicely with the rest of the bat appearance. I don’t suggest being anywhere near blood while you have them, though. You get… urges. Or at least, I did. That’s why I got rid of them.”

She nodded. “They aren’t as fun as I was predicting. They’re great for scaring the common crooks—I even picked up the name Bat Mare—but there are drawbacks.”

I nodded. “I imagine they don’t do wonders for your love life. I imagine most stallions—or mares, for that matter—would be intimidated.”

She sighed wistfully, not answering.

The griffin and the changeling shared a look. The griffin turned back to me and said, “You never got our names. I’m Shade. He’s Quisling. She’s Captain Midnight.”

I looked at the changeling. “Quisling? Seriously? Were you born with that or did Chrysalis give it to you when you left her service?”

“It was the parting gift from a life I don’t like to remember. Names mean less to us, so it was easy enough for me to take on a new one.”

I shook my head. For those that don’t know, quisling is synonymous with traitor, due to Vidkun Quisling’s actions in Norway during World War II. I could explain it more, but I’m writing this while slightly drunk and fuck you. “Well, nice to meet you three. Though,” I said with a look to the captain, “I think I prefer the name Blossom. It seems to suit you better.”

There was a light blush on her face as she replied, “I’m starting to think you’re trying to flirt with me. I’m not certain Luna would approve.”

“I’m merely stating opinions. You are free to make of them what you would. And Luna does not own me anyway. But if you want me to stop, I can move onto your friend instead,” I said, looking to Shade. “I always did find griffins beautiful, and the night enchantment that makes your features darker gives a wonderful uniqueness.” Quisling barely stifled a laugh and Shade punched him.

“I never said you couldn’t call me cute,” Blossom said.

“But if you’re calling me beautiful then you can forget about her,” Shade said, punching the changeling again for good measure.

“Ladies, ladies, please,” I said. “I’m just here to play a few hands of poker and maybe socialize a little. Unless you find yourselves interested, perhaps?”

They smirked at each other before turning to me. “We know all about you, Navarone,” Blossom said. “The princess warned the mares of her guard, not that we needed it after that party a year ago. As fun as a night with you might be, most of us are looking for more than a one night stand these days.”

Well, that was a bust. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I answered with a shrug. I lifted my cards up a little and said, “I’m just here to talk and maybe steal some of your hard-earned bits. I don’t know what it is you’re implying, but I assure you that I am a gentleman.”

“And a good liar,” Shade said, looking at her hand.

“Well, yes. That just begs the question of what it is I lie about. Like right now, I have a full royal flush.” I looked across the table at the changeling and crossed my eyes.

He grinned. “Now I know that’s a lie. I have four princesses.” Man, don’t even get me started on what they renamed the fucking cards in this place.

I threw some bits to the center. “He seems pretty confident to me,” Shade commented. That didn’t stop her from matching the bet.

“He’s not the only one with a good hoof,” Blossom added, raising. Shade sighed and folded. Quisling and I matched.

“He doesn’t have a hoof at all,” Quisling said, his eyes going to my hands. “I’m sure he could do all kinds of fun things with those, too.”

“I know a few mares—and a stallion—who certainly seemed to think so,” I answered with a shrug. I tossed a few more bits to the center of the table.

Quisling matched with a sigh and Blossom with a grin.

I set my cards down with a shit-eating grin, showing three sevens and fuck all else.

“Doesn’t look like a royal flush to me,” Blossom said, throwing down a flush of diamonds. Son of a bitch. There’s my other seven, too.

“I may have lied about having four princesses,” Quisling said with a shrug, throwing down a full house of three kings and two fours. “But I was pretty close.”

“At least one of the two of us gets to walk away with a net gain,” Shade said with a shrug. “Assuming we leave the officers to their business.”

Quisling nodded. “I, for one, am happy to be in the green tonight. Drinks on me?” Shade shrugged and Quisling raked his bits up as they both walked to the bar.

“Those hooves were pretty unlikely,” Blossom said with an accusatory look to me.

“Yeah. Weird shit like that happens in this world.” And I may have cheated just a little. Then again, I just as easily might not have. I am a liar, after all.

“So how did Luna finally get you down here?” she asked, leaning back.

“She told me about it. This is the first I ever heard about a night guard haven. If I had known, I would have stopped by sooner. I don’t know what it is about you guys, but you’re usually pretty damn chill. Much better than the stuffy day guys. I actually had to beat some of them to let me see Celestia one day.”

She shrugged. “You have to be laid back to work the night shift, especially in a city like Canterlot. Everypony’s afraid of us, so we go out of our way to be helpful and nicer. Even if we do just want to crack their skulls for being stuck up, cowardly fools that care nothing for anypony but themselves.”

“I take it you don’t like nobles.”

“That’s one way to put it. I joined the guard as a recruit. I worked my way up. I’ve been stationed all over mainland Equestria, including near the Everfree. I’m the most experienced guard in Equestria. I know, because I checked when I got access to the records. And yet I was completely unknown to Celestia. She doesn’t know the names of her best and most loyal soldiers. But the lowest member of her court? She’ll get their name right every time. I was overlooked for promotion too many times because of that alone. Shining Armor joined the guard. Two months later, he was an officer. Three months later, he was a captain. Another month and he was in charge. You can’t tell me that’s fair.”

“I know it’s not. I haven’t exactly been given a fair deal here either.”

“And yet you came out on top. And don’t even pretend otherwise. You have the love of at least one princess and both trust you above almost anypony else. That’s why you’ll always have my respect, if nothing else. You took the worst possible situation for anypony to ever be in and you turned it around to one of the best possible situations to be in. Might not have been easy. Might not even have been worth it—and judging from your record, I’d say it wasn’t. But you did it. And I gotta say, I can’t wait to see how you win the war games for us. I’m tired of losing to that bastard, just because his troops have more training working as a group and because the locals in all the places we go to help them over us because of how we look.”

“I have no intentions of ever losing to Shining Armor. I don’t hate him like you seem to, but I know that he has no right to be captain of the guard after how badly he fucked up against Chrysalis. He’s in well over his head and it’s about time someone showed everyone just how far out of his element he is. What is the number one reason you usually lose?”

“His shield. Whenever we start to overrun his forces, he activates that shield and we get pushed back while they recover. All of our wounded are left inside the circle while our actives are pushed out.”

“So as soon as the game starts, we assassinate Shining Armor. Problem solved.”

She smiled. “One problem with that: It takes the fun out of the game. We wouldn’t beat Shining Armor if we killed him first thing. We’d be beating his subordinates, most of whom are more experienced and likely better leaders. But yes, I do like the idea of assassinations. But how do you suggest we get through the shield?”

“Two choices. Dig under it or use my magic nullifying ring.”

I saw her mouth, “Dig?” in confusion. “We’ve never tried that before… Do you think it would work?”

I shrugged. “Worth a shot. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just use my ring to sneak a small group in and have a field day. You can give me and my team a list of targets of interest and we can take them down. On the way out, we can kill any guard we want as long as we don’t make much noise and get caught. That should be a heavy hit to morale, to know we can get in and kill whoever we want. Or we could just poison their food and water supply. Or we could go on a campaign of terror and just scare the shit out of all of them. I’ll leave it up to you.”

She looked pensive. “There are a number of established rules of warfare… But there are no laws about it. Battles are fought in the open, army to army, pony to pony. What you’re talking about could revolutionize warfare.”

I smiled. “Honey, you ain’t seen nothing yet.” I decided at that point to turn the night guards into the Vietcong. If the war style here was medieval line-to-line battle, I could revolutionize that in a single ambush. My grin grew dark as I relayed my plan and a few scenarios. Her face quickly took on an evil smile as well.

I don’t feel like relaying the rest of that night. There was a saddening lack of drunken orgies, but I did have a lot of fun and I got to meet more of the night guards, all of whom already knew me. Most of them tried to buy me drinks, but there was sadly no booze. The only place in Equestria where you could get that was in Manehatten, where Vinyl dealt it out.

Blossom actually explained that situation out to me: “Yes, I know about it and yes, it’s illegal. I could shut her operation down. However, you don’t beat crime by wiping it out. You beat crime by controlling it. We let that DJ know that we know what she’s doing, and we let her know that it’s illegal. If she goes past the boundaries we give her, we crack down on her. If she keeps her operation small and to select ponies, we don’t do a thing. If it starts becoming a problem, we’ll step in. But if we shut her down, someone will wonder why. That curiosity might lead to places we don’t want it to go. We’d rather have our eyes on the person we know is making this stuff than constantly looking over our shoulders wondering who else might be into the business.”

Made sense to me. But that’s enough about that night.

Normally, this is the part where I say that I woke up feeling like shit and hating myself. Sadly, that wasn’t true. I met Celestia and Luna for breakfast since I was awake anyway. Celestia spent the breakfast dropping small hints about that stupid thing I would have to do for her. Luna either didn’t know what the task was or didn’t care to join Celestia in taunting me about it.

When I found out what that task was, I was willing to think the former, since Luna would have seen immediately how fucktarded it was and how vehemently I would oppose it.

Chapter Sixty-Three—This is why I don’t follow orders

Chapter Sixty-Three—This is why I don’t follow orders

“Nav, we need to talk,” Celestia told me.

“I ain’t saying a damn word until we go somewhere that isn’t this room,” I answered. We were in the sitting room. The sitting room.

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a foal.”

I crossed my arms and just stared at her. I was wearing my ring, so if she didn’t give in after a few minutes, I was planning on just leaving.

Thankfully, she wasn’t in any mood to deal with waiting. “Fine. If you’re going to be like that, we can go somewhere else.”

Her horn lit up and the large window opened. She walked over to it and jumped out into the garden. I followed her. She sat beneath a magic cherry blossom tree that seemed to be in bloom all throughout spring. I joined her.

“Now, what’s this task that I’m going to hate?” I asked.

“We will get to that. First, I want to… I want to talk about what happened yesterday.”

“You mean Cadance drunkenly barging into my room and demanding I fuck her?”

She blinked. “…No. Well yes, but later.” She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “You’ve become a monster. I can count the number of times that I have cried in the last three thousand years on one of your hands. When Starswirl died. When Ponero burned.” Wait, what? “When I had to banish my sister… And now, when I’ve treated you like a monster until you finally became one. There are no words for the regret I feel.”

She sounded depressed, that’s for sure. “Okay.” She waited for more. “So are we going to talk about what I have to do now?”

She hung her head. “I don’t understand you, Nav… I just wanted to be your friend…”

“Then maybe you should talk to Twilight about what friends are, because you obviously failed that lesson. Friends don’t make friends go to shitty hellholes to get raped. Friends don’t make friends kill. Friends help friends, they don’t cover up the actions of others. Celestia, you’re a terrible friend. By all rights, I should call you a terrible person, but I’m not going to. Not like you’d change anything anyway. Honestly, I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. Yeah, I know you feel bad. But you’re not going to do anything about it. So how about we stop playing the ‘fish for good feels’ game and get on with it?”

I think she wanted to cry again. I didn’t care. Even if they were real tears, I felt justified in causing them. At this point, most people would probably either start hugging me or start trying to get away. Her front legs were twitching, like she wanted to.

Her horn lit up and her crown floated away from her head, landing in the grass. “I never wanted to be a princess,” she sighed, flopping down onto the grass. “I just wanted to save ponies… Be a healer. I was the best in so many years… Then he came and tore it all away… Life isn’t fair, Nav, and it certainly isn’t easy. I know that better than you can ever imagine. But when you’re all that’s left of an entire advanced race and all you’re left with are the dregs… Somepony’s gotta take over.” She rolled onto her side and curled up. “We knew it would be hard, rebuilding. It was more than we could ever imagine. All the ideals the alicorns strove for were lost in the break. The ponies were hateful and jealous of us, since we were still whole. And the changelings…” She let out a disgusted noise. “Chrysalis deserves extinction and worse for taking that deal. But we persevered until we got to where you see us today. And not a single day goes by that I don’t wish he never showed up and that I became a healer and died six thousand years ago of old age.”

I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. I could make some connections between that and what Chrysalis said, but I was still pretty lost.

I reached over and grabbed her crown. “Back where I come from, we have a saying. ‘Life sucks and then you die.’” I put the crown back on her head. “You aren’t dead yet, so you better believe it’s gonna keep sucking. I think we both know what would happen if you quit.”

“I want to live in your world for just five minutes, to see what it’s like that it could create such phrases.”

“We have worse. Now stop whining and tell me what I have to do so I can get it over with.”

She unballed herself and sat up. “I hate you sometimes,” she said with a sigh. “But your advice is usually good, even if it’s harsh and painful. Explain what happened with Cadance.”

I did. If Celestia had hands, she would have been rubbing her temples. “Have you spoken to her since?” she asked after a few moments.

“Nope. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was sleeping off a hangover. Shouldn’t be that hard to deal with her. She shows up blushing profusely, stammers an apology, promises never to do it again, I say we pretend it never happened, and things go back to cat and mouse between us.”

“And Shining Armor?”

I shrugged. “Not my problem. He seemed understanding, though I don’t think he was actually interested in me fucking his wife. Understandable, honestly. I seem to have a way with women.” Not usually on purpose.

“I still can’t believe Cadance would even do that. And it was because of her heat cycle?”

I shrugged. “That’s what Shiny said. I think it was also because I told her no. She’s a princess, not used to hearing that word. It made her seriously want me. That’s my guess for the reason, at least. Enough of her. What is this task I’m going to hate?”

She finally put a smile on, which I knew was a bad sign. “Do you remember the assassin that tried to kill Cadance?” I nodded. “We believe we know who sent her. You’re going undercover to find proof.”

“I see a few problems with that plan already,” I said when she paused. “But go ahead. Tell me why I’m going to hate it.”

“You obviously can’t go undercover as a human. That would be silly. And a stallion would be too noticeable. A single mother desperately seeking any job she can find, though…” Her grin turned into a smile. “What do you think about working as a maid?”

“Okay, this plan just went full retard. Keep going, so I can explain why every single aspect of it is wrong.”

“The griffin you’ll be working for believes that ponies are inferior in almost every single aspect. The only servants he hires are ponies. He tends to treat them rather well, or so our sources say. He just doesn’t think ponies should have any kind of power at all. He has a position open that has now been filled by one Feather Duster, an inexperienced maid that’s hurting for bits. She’s been allowed to bring her daughter with her. When you get there, you are to snoop around as best you can while still doing your job until you find any proof that he was the one that ordered the assassination. If you are unable to find any evidence after three weeks, you’ll report that you’ve been offered a better position and leave.”

“Alright, and here’s why that’s retarded: No one would stop you from teleporting in, ripping the information from his mind, and teleporting him out to be judged for his crimes. And if you find out that he wasn’t guilty, you could remove the fact that you were ever there from his mind and teleport out again just as quickly. Here’s another reason: I don’t know how to use my hooves to hold a damn thing. I can’t even put clothes on as a pony. I just don’t know how. You pick things up with your hooves like it makes sense, but it just doesn’t. So I couldn’t be a maid. Here’s a third: If anything happened, I couldn’t defend myself since I can’t fight as a pony at all. I couldn’t fly away because I don’t get much flight practice as a pony. And a fourth: I don’t have a cutie mark. Fifth: You’re just doing this to get me in a maid outfit. Sixth: There is no number six. Seven: If I get caught, I’m fucked, and you better believe I’ll sell your ass out in an instant. Eight: You could get a changeling to do this, a changeling that’s actually used to infiltrating. Nine: You could get a royal guard to do it. Ten: Did you even fucking think about this? Seriously.”

“I can’t just pop in and steal away a citizen of another nation. I need proof before I act.”

“Fuck yes you can. You’re a tyrant, Celestia. You’re so politically powerful that you can do whatever you want and the griffins couldn’t do a damn thing. Especially if you could find proof that it was him. And if you find that he wasn’t the one that did it, just make him forget and no one would ever know.”

“It would be a scandal that I can’t afford.”

“Because using a spy is any better? There is absolutely no reason to send me to snoop for evidence when you could teleport into his bedroom while he’s asleep, steal the information from his mind, find the proof that he’s the one that ordered the assassination, and then give the information to the king or whoever you would have to give it to. You would never be caught and you might as well have just used a spy. In fact, you could tell everyone that’s what you did. You’re sending me there to send me there and for no other reason. Shit, an even easier way to do it: Teleport in, cast your lie detecting spell, and ask him if he’s the one that did it.”

Silence ruled in the garden. Celestia was just staring at me. I was just staring right back.

“Navarone, it should come as no surprise to you that Luna was normally the one that dealt with problems of this nature. I dealt in the open politics while she handled the problems, big and small. What you just said is exactly what she did two thousand years ago to a small-time political rival that was making a lot of noise. I did not even think about that until now. It was in a case similar to this one, too.”

“How did it end?”

“Perfectly. The stallion wasn’t guilty of what we thought he was guilty of. Oh, he was a rabble rouser, but he was an innocent one.”

“If this is Luna’s domain, why am I even dealing with this? Shouldn’t she be doing it? Or shouldn’t I be getting the orders from her?”

“She has not picked up all of her duties yet,” she answered with a shrug. “You don’t take a thousand year break and remember everything perfectly. I imagine that she’ll start getting back into the groove soon, but she’s still doing some catching up.”

“Back to the task at hand, though: There’s no reason for me to do this charade. You admit that doing it my way works perfectly.”

She sighed. “Yes. Very well, Navarone. However, I still need a focal point to get there. You will be that focal point, which means that you will have to continue the act until night falls. You are scheduled to arrive in the early morning.” She paused. “This was supposed to be a punishment, Navarone. This was not supposed to be a lecture on how much better humans are at dealing with problems.”

“I can’t imagine it’ll be that fun anyway. I still have to fucking get there. And pretend to be a pony for some time.”

“You know, I could just turn you into a maid here for a week or two since you talked your way out of the punishment up there.”

“That’s just sadistic. You would torture me just to torture me. I wouldn’t be surprised if you molested me, too. A task? Yeah, that makes sense. A task that requires me to be a maid? Stupid, but I could make it work. Making me a maid for the sake of making me a maid? No. That’s just inviting disaster. I’d probably fail anyway, just because I can’t snoop as a pony because I can’t open anything with hooves. I can’t even open doors.”

“Nav, do I need to show you how to do things as a pony? Shouldn’t it be common sense?”

“No, you don’t, because I have no plans on ever being a pony longer than absolutely necessary. Absolutely fuck that noise.”

She shrugged. “I can’t say I agree with you, but I know I felt terrible as a human. I would not ask anypony—or anyone—to live as something they were not born and raised as.” I opened my mouth to retort, but she added, “For any longer than is necessary.”

I shrugged. I always considered the willing betrayal of one’s race in such a manner as the worst kind of evil, and the forceful act of turning someone into another race the second worst kind of evil. Well, not always considered it as that; that belief only started when I realized that it was possible. But that’s a subject for another time. “So when am I supposed to leave? And how am I supposed to get Taya there?”

“You leave tonight. You’ll carry Taya on your back, like a normal pegasus mother with a nonpegasus child. You’ll have a spy lead you to where you’ll camp, and he will fill you in on the details. You’ll go to meet the griffin in the morning.”

“Awesome. Now, one more thing: If you don’t show up the first night, I’m going full inquisitorial agent on this fucker and kicking his ass until he gives me the details. So you better fucking show up. No saying you’ll come the first night and then making me cool my hooves for a week so you can giggle at me as a maid. That’s just a warning for you.”

She blinked in surprise. “I have not had a servant as wily and intelligent as you since Starswirl himself was alive. Very well, I will hold to my word. One question, though: What is an inquisitorial agent?”

“Back on Earth, there was a group called the Inquisition a few hundred years before I was alive. They worked for the Catholic Church. Their job was to root out heresy and witchcraft and all that fun stuff. They had the authority to do pretty much whatever they wanted. This did not usually end well.”

She sighed. “Every time I speak to you, more and more questions are raised. What is heresy? What is witchcraft? What is the Catholic Church? Whenever you speak to a pony, it is as though you assume we know what you know.”

“Usually when I don’t explain things it is because I don’t want you to know. Heresy is something that goes against a religion. Witchcraft is consorting with the devil or with spirits for magic that didn’t actually exist. The Catholic Church was the biggest religious group in Europe for a very long time.”

“Even more questions! What is religion and the devil?”

I waved a hand. “Not important.”

“No. It is important. You have brought up religion multiple times and you have never once explained it. Do so.”

I popped my neck. “Humanity is inherently flawed for one reason: We refuse to accept ignorance. If we find a mystery, that mystery will be answered, even if the answer does not always make sense. In recent years, we have begun to use science to answer the questions we have. Before we had the tools to use science, though, we looked at each other and asked, ‘Where did we come from? How were we created?’ The idea of a higher power was made, something above us humans that created us and the Earth and the stars. However, humans were and are fragmentary. There was a time when some groups on the planet thought they were alone, or that there were no people farther than the next tribe over. So, many of the ideas of a higher power are vastly different. But anyway, this idea of a higher power was taken to another level by some groups. If this being created us, it has the power to destroy us. If it can destroy us, we must give it a reason not to do so. And thus, worship of those higher powers began. The higher powers are gods and the worship of them is religion. Some religions stayed powerful and grew past the boundaries of the original tribe as groups grew and expanded. The Catholic Church was one branch of a larger religion called Christianity, which was itself an offshoot of a religion called Judaism. The entire history of religion is convoluted, long, and we could sit here and talk about it for hours and hours. But in a nutshell, that’s religion.”

Celestia thought for a moment before narrowing her eyes. “You’re leaving something out.”

“I just gave you ten thousand years of history in two minutes. No shit I left some things out.”

“No, something big. Something you should have mentioned.”

I shrugged. “War. It always boils down to war. Religion has been used as an excuse by humanity to do terrible, terrible things. You are reasonable, and would not judge an entire race by the actions of a few. The same can be said of religion. You can’t judge a religion for the actions of some people in it. Most of the humans that have ever lived were not evil. They used religion as a way of defining their life, of giving them morals and meaning. They learned from the books of religion—the Bible and the Torah and the Quran and others—not war, but how to be a better person. Some took the lessons in the books the wrong way and turned to war. This was not the original intent, it was just a bastardization of it.”

“I know, Navarone. I may be a tyrant, but I am a benevolent tyrant. If the subjects have been misled by a ruler, I do not blame the subjects. That is why I took mercy on the changelings and the night ponies my sister commanded a thousand years ago. I do not condemn you or humanity for the actions of a few. From what you have told me, I do not assume humans are evil. There is a hint of chaos within you, but that does not mean you are evil or bad. It just means that you are different from ponies, who seem more aligned with order.” She shrugged. “But we have gotten off topic.”

“You’re the one that asked and then demanded that I answer.”

“One more question. Do you believe in any religions?”

“When I got to Equestria, I was a Christian. I lost my faith less than a year later. I still believe in him, but I know he doesn’t believe in me. So why worship?”

She looked away. “Oh.” She sounded a little hurt.

“Anyway. So when we cap this mofo, my debt is paid?”

“…What?”

“When we find out if this guy is guilty or not, is my debt paid?”

She blinked. “Give me a direct translation of what you said. I am interested in the language you keep using, the one I can’t understand.”

I sighed. “This is what I said: So when we capture this motherfucker, my debt is paid? What I originally used was a heavy dialect. I’ve done that before a number of times. It’s a bad habit that I need to break, but I’m so used to talking like that it’s hard to. Now, answer the question.”

“Yes, Navarone. When we determine his guilt or innocence, you are free.”

“Bitchin. Imma go take a shower, unless you need me for anything else.”

She sighed. “Translation?”

“Awesome. I’m going to go take a shower.”

She nodded. “Very well. I need to return to my court anyway.”

“Oh, and don’t tell anyone else about what religion is. I don’t want to deal with that shit.”

She nodded. “As usual, our conversations are private. There are many that would hate you for what you have told me, and I would not have that.”

Well, that’s comforting.

When I got to my room, I found that Taya was now awake and reading through what I had written while I was in Flankfurt. “We’re going to griffin lands,” I told her. “We leave tonight. Long story short, Celestia went full retard. I’m going to be a mare and I’ll have to pretend to be a maid for a day. Don’t tell anyone. Be prepared for anything and if I give you an order, you need to follow it. Alright?”

“…What?”

“Look, it’s not important. The important thing is that you need to do whatever I tell you to do when we get where we’re going. Can you do that for me?”

She slowly nodded. “That’s easy enough. Will you be in danger?”

“Probably not. I’m bringing a few surprises, just in case. And it’ll only be for a day. Now, think of something you want to do when I get out of the shower. No reason to be cooped inside all day.”

She went back to reading as I walked into the bathroom. A shower later, I walked out with a towel around my waist, having forgotten to get clothes. I walked in to find Cadance trying to apply a hair bow to a struggling Taya.

I sighed, undid my towel, rolled it up, and popped Cadance on her ass. She spun around with a loud yelp, letting Taya go. Taya scrambled to my side as I reapplied the towel. The bow was quickly thrown onto the ground and burned. “Don’t light things on fire over the carpet, Taya,” I admonished. The fire petered out and what was left of the bow melted. “Better. Cadance, what do you want?”

She had been glaring at Taya, then staring at the bow as it died. When I said that, she moved her eyes to me. Her mouth dropped when she saw how emaciated I was.

“Hey, my eyes are up here, you pervert.”

She flinched and looked up at me. “Are… are you healthy?”

“No. Now what did you want? And why are you fucking with Taya? Do I need to slap a bitch?”

She blinked a few times and shook her head. “I… I wanted to apologize. I wasn’t in my right mind…”

“You were drunk and you were in heat. There is no bad blood here. Just don’t do it again. But why me?”

She looked away. “You’re always… Well, talking about it. I assumed you of all ponies would help.”

I sighed and went to sit on the bed. Taya followed me, edging away from Cadance. “I gave Shiny some advice and tips. I can give you some as well, but Taya will have to wait outside if you really want them. Either way, I am not a whore and I do not fuck everything that moves. Now, why were you bothering Taya?”

“She would be much cuter with a bow!”

I looked to Taya. “Do you think you would be much cuter with a bow?”

Taya nodded.

“Do you want to be much cuter?”

She shook her head.

I looked to Cadance. “There you go.”

Cadance looked rather confused. “Why wouldn’t you want to look cuter?”

We both looked to Taya. She looked pained. I pulled her to my side. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” She was silent. I looked back to Cadance. “Do you know anything we could do today, before we leave? I don’t know anything about Canterlot other than that I don’t like it.”

She was looking at Taya with concern. I felt the same concern, but if Taya didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to make her. I myself know how hard it is to discuss something that pains you, and I know from Chrysalis that Taya had been through something terrible, though I didn’t know the details.

After a moment, Cadance answered, “There are a number of parks in town and around the palace you could go to. And two of my bride’s maids—your friends, I believe—are in town, if you want to do anything with them.” I thought they had left. “I don’t think you would be interested in any of the plays that are showing today.” I saw a smile show up on her face. “If you wanted to do something with your friends, I could watch Taya for you.”

“That would not be necessary. There is really nothing to do in a city the size of Canterlot but go to a park or a play?”

She hmmed. “Well, if you’re interested in magic, you could visit the Tower of the Unicorns. It is where the most powerful magic is done. The entire place is covered in protective wards, because some of the spells they practice inside are so dangerous that they could annihilate half the city. If you’re interested in debating, you can visit the Rhetorician’s Hall. All manner of subjects are discussed and debated there. If you like history, there’s the small museum. There are only a few curators and they’re all weird, though. If you prefer art, there’s the art museum. If you like fighting, you could watch the guards practice or you could watch the wrestling matches. There’s also a few libraries, a few public pools, going on walks, going shopping… There’s a lot to do here, it’s just that some of them take more knowledge of the city to know about and some of them only pertain to certain interests.”

I nodded once. “We’re going to the Unicorn Tower thing. Where is it?”

She looked at Taya again for a moment before looking back to me. “You aren’t going to let her decide?”

“Taya is interested in magic anyway, but I have questions for some of the unicorns there. If I had known there was such a place, those questions would have been asked sooner. Now, where is it?”

She shrugged and gave me directions. It was actually outside of town, presumably for safety reasons. “What kind of questions do you want answered?”

“Nothing you would be interested in, I’m sure. We can talk about your bedroom problems later. I want to get them working on this before I leave.”

She raised an eyebrow. “And just what is so important?”

I grinned. “Opening a portal between your world and mine. If it’s possible, just think of the applications. If nothing else… I could finally say goodbye. I could give my family at least that little bit of closure.” And maybe say fuck you to the ponies by never coming back.

She looked pensive, understandably so. “Wouldn’t that be risky? What if your people don’t like us?”

I shrugged. “Then the ponies will all die. But that won’t happen. Everyone on my planet has been dreaming for ages of meeting another race, of finally finding that we aren’t alone. If we could link our worlds, just think of all that could be shared! I know it’s unlikely. I mean, if Twilight couldn’t send me back, what are the chances these guys could open a portal like that? Still, I have to ask them.” Besides, even if they do manage to figure out how to open the portal, there’s a good chance Celestia would stop them before it could be done.

Cadance shook her head. “It still seems like a bad idea to me, but I won’t try to stop you. Are you sure you don’t want me to watch Taya?”

I looked to Taya. “Do you want to be watched by Cadance?”

There was a long moment of silence. Finally, she said, “Yes.”

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

Cadance was just as taken aback. “Really?” She sounded shocked and happy.

Taya weakly nodded.

“Well then. Cadance, I trust you know how to deal with her?”

She grinned. “I’ve been taking care of fillies for years, Nav! Don’t you worry.”

Taya looked slightly worried, but she hopped off the bed anyway. She gulped before saying in a weak voice, “I’ll see you when you get back, daddy…”

“Uh… Have fun, I guess?” I was kind of unsure about this. I had no idea why Taya was doing it. She chose it, though, and I wasn’t about to stop her. “Remember, her wings are sensitive, so if she starts doing anything you don’t like, use magic to break them and run for it.” Cadance lightly kicked me. “Yeah, yeah. You two go on, now. I need to get dressed.”

“I’ll bring her back before you have to leave, Nav,” Cadance said. I nodded, and with that they both left.

“Strange as fuck,” I muttered when the door closed behind them. I shook my head as I went to find some clothes. Thankfully, it looked like one of the servants took my dirty clothes and did laundry. Those saints don’t get enough recognition.

Fully dressed and appropriately covered in nonmagical weapons, I jumped out the window to fly to the tower thing. I was able to save a lot of time in getting there since Taya wasn’t with me, but I still think I would have preferred her going.

According to Cadance, there was an official and very heavily enforced no-fly zone over the tower, so I landed in front of the gate and walked up to the two unicorn guards. “Can I go in?” I asked.

They looked at me. “Purpose of visit?” one asked.

“Questions to be asked and perhaps services to be requested,” I answered.

“Length of stay?”

I looked up at the sky for a moment to judge the time. I looked back at him and said, “Less than six hours.”

The two guards looked at each other for a moment before turning back to me. “Can you be more specific?”

I shrugged and said, “No. It depends on how long it takes to find someone who is able or willing to answer my questions. But I’m leaving before night falls.”

They shared another short look. “The reason we ask is because we have to hit you with a ward that protects you against magic. We can give it a time, but once it’s there it’s there. You will not be able to fly as easily with it on you.”

I waved a hand, “That’s not a problem. I have a ring that’ll do it for me.”

“Prove it.”

I slid my hand into a pocket and put the ring on. “Give me your best shot.”

Both of their horns lit up and fire shot at me. Nothing happened. It abated after a moment. They both nodded. “Very well. You may enter. If you need assistance, the secretary at the front desk will be able to direct you to where you want to go.”

“Thanks, mate.” The gates opened and in I went. I was able to see some of the grounds when I flew in, but actually getting inside and seeing the ground view gave it another level. The ground surrounding this place was a fucking warzone. There was no grass anywhere. The ground that wasn’t singed black and burned was crackling and dry, presumably washed clean by rain. Holes of various depths dotted the landscape like artillery rounds between the no-man’s-land. Even as I was watching, I saw a lightning bolt arc away from a window in the tower and strike a massive hole in the ground. I could feel the earth shake from where I was. Two unicorns were practicing some kind of combat magic to my right, with a third standing by presumably to heal either one if something went wrong. Closer to the tower, four unicorns were doing some manner of moving obstacle course with a mix of teleporting and blasting things out of their way. From what I could tell, the one that moved his body the least was the one winning. I could see another group doing something. If I had to guess, I would say they were practicing illusions that I couldn’t see because of my ring.

There was a floating rock above and to the left of the tower, tethered to it by a chain with links the size of ponies. The rock looked big enough to house at least two hundred people, if it was hollowed out. A staircase was carved into the rock, spiraling from the door in the bottom to one near the top. It reminded me of the floating rock above Vivec from Morrowind. I could see a pony traversing the staircase, going to the top.

That’s not even describing the tower. Long story short, I could not believe I had never noticed this place before. I say tower, but the tower was only a part of it. It was a building of sorts with a tower rising to the heavens. The entire thing was glossy with some kind of protection enchantment. If I had to guess, I would say the building material was raw steel. It looked like metal, at least. Archaic runes were carved into the building every few feet. I had no idea what any of them said. The building did not have the typical fanciful Canterlot building style, but was instead built in a utilitarian fortress style, to either keep something in or keep something out.

And then there was the tower. It rose straight up into the sky. There were several offshoots and balconies on it, some with plants and some seemingly empty. Near the top, several floating orbs of various colors circled the top, floating and twirling around each other. I could just barely make out ponies sitting on some of them. The tower had to have been forty storeys tall. As I looked on, I saw one of the ponies on an orb jump off. My mouth dropped, but halfway to the ground, I saw his eyes open and glow a pure white and his horn light up like the sun as his body was consumed by fire. Wings of fire burst from his back and he gracefully caught the wind, pulling out of his dive and skimming the blackened ground before his horn lit up again and he disappeared, the wings continuing on in his wake for several feet before dissipating.

I had a feeling I was going to like this place.

I took a quick look around when I got inside and noticed how comfortable the place looked. It wasn’t like the perfectly well-kept lobby of a bank, but more like the homey anteroom of a large mansion. The only odd addition was the front desk with a bored looking pegasus behind it. She looked up when I walked in and her eyes went wide. “You!”

I sighed. “Yeah. Me.”

She grinned. “I remember you from a party last year! You and that dragon were something else!”

I blinked. I wasn’t expecting that at all. “Yeah… I got drugged and don’t remember any of it. Did you enjoy it, at least?”

She nodded, her grin going lecherous. “Oh, you could say that… Have you ever thought about doing it again?”

I fluttered my wings. “Doing… what? Getting drugged? I think I’d prefer to be sober, especially if there’s going to be a big orgy afterwards.”

She sighed wistfully. “I don’t know if it would be the same… You were just so dominant!” She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as kind of creepy. “Are you sure you don’t want to do it again?”

I was saved from having to answer by a loud gasp. “AN ESCAPEE!” That was followed by a spike of ice flying directly at me. I dodged before I even realized what I was doing and jumped behind the nearest cover I could find. I didn’t know where the attack was coming from, but I quickly loaded my crossbow just in time to hear a bolt of magic hitting my cover.

I stood up to aim at where I thought it was coming from, but a screamed, “STOP!” halted me. The pegasus was hovering in front of a unicorn that was staring daggers at me. She was frantically gesturing in my direction, a hard feat with hooves. His expression quickly turned into confusion, then embarrassment. The pegasus flittered over to where I was in cover. “Sorry about that. Some of the researchers here don’t get out much.”

“I’ve been here for more than four years!”

She shrugged. “Like I said, they don’t get out much.”

I sighed and slung the crossbow. “No harm done. Tell me, is there a research area that specializes in interdimensional travel? Or, failing that, temporal mechanics?”

She grimaced at the second one. “Ever since the dragon incident, the temporal researchers aren’t accessible by just anypony. I can let you talk to the interdimensional researchers with no problem. They don’t do anything anyway.”

“Would a knight be able to talk to the temporal guys? It’s kind of important.”

One of her eyebrows rose. “Personal kinda important or princess kinda important?”

“Personal.”

She pursed her lips. “I’ll ask. In the meantime, I’ll send you to the interdimensional ponies. You should get bored of them soon enough. Come this way, please.” She turned and walked toward a platform I hadn’t noticed until now. “Step right up into the circle.” I did as she asked and took my ring off. “This might feel uncomfortable if you aren’t used to teleportation.”

“I’ll be fine.”

She shrugged and said, “Level five.” She pulled a lever and everything went white.

I shook my head clear and found that I was standing on a platform presumably five levels up. There was no one else in the room with me. I shrugged, put my ring back on, and left that room. On the other side of the door across the hall was a directory. I quickly found out that interdimensional studies were given about the same respect in this culture as underwater basket weaving was given in ours. I spotted rooms for things like quill improving, bookbinding, theoretical zombie killing—no joke—and the science of humor in magic. I sighed and started walking to the interdimensional room, hoping this trip wouldn’t be a waste of time.

I saw no one at all in the halls as I walked. It was eerily silent.

And then a tentacled eldritch abomination destroyed a door and lurched into the hallway right in front of me. I jumped backwards, screaming and pulling up my crossbow.

“NO, BAD FLUFFY! WE DON’T BREAK DOORS!”

I heard a loud whimpering coming from the middle of the mass of tentacles.

“What the fuck is wrong with this place?!” I gasped.

A pony squeezed his head past the tentacles and saw me. “Oh, hi! I see you met Fluffy. Don’t worry about him, he’s a softy.” His front hooves squeezed past and he pulled himself out of the room. “He gets stuck in doors sometimes, though. But when you gotta go, I guess you gotta go.”

I felt my wings sag as I put the crossbow up yet again. “Whatever. So are you the interdimensional guy?”

“One of them, yeah. There are four of us, now. There used to be more, but… Well, not all of them got along with Fluffy here after we accidentally summoned him. We also used to have a much better office space. But if you want to talk with the others, just go right on in. I have to take him outside before he makes another mess.”

I felt like face-palming so hard. “Yeah. I’ll just… wait until you get out of the way. I don’t want to touch that thing.”

“Oh, he’s not so bad. A little slimy, but you get used to it. Fluffy, come!” The unicorn started walking down the hall and the eldritch abomination finally got out of the doorway and started rolling down the hall. I saw two eyestalks watching me.

“…Flying spaghetti monster?” I quietly asked.

It raised one of its tentacles to what I assumed was a mouth kinda thing. From the looks of things, he was telling me to be quiet. I shrugged and entered the room. Everyone looked up when I stepped in.

“OH CELESTIA NO! THE GOVERNMENT FINALLY CAME FOR ME!” one of the unicorns screamed before immediately teleporting away.

“That’s it, I’m done.” I turned around and walked out. I heard more teleporting behind me and came face-to-air with a unicorn that was staring at me in the hall. I looked down at him. “Yes?”

“Don’t mind him. He’s always been really paranoid about the princess and her knights. Don’t know why. Please don’t go. We get few enough visitors that we wouldn’t want to scare any of them away.”

I sighed and walked back in. I saw the paranoid guy was back and he flinched when he saw me. I looked around and saw a relatively large lab type area with a massive animal feeding bowl in one corner with Fluffy engraved into it. Several pieces of equipment were scattered around. I had no idea what most of it did, but I was familiar with some of it due to Twilight.

“So how can we help you?” the reasonable guy asked as he followed me in.

“Long story short, I have two theories for where I came from in relation to here. Half of those theories involve me coming from another dimension. If that is the case, I want to know if a portal can be opened between the two dimensions.”

They shared looks. The reasonable guy said, “For those of us that don’t know your history, can you tell us about what brought you here?”

“Twilight motherfucking Sparkle.” Everyone got a glint of recognition in their eyes and some made a few noises of sympathy. “She got bored one day and decided to cast a spell that would summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Here I am. Clearly, she fucked up. How bad her fuckup was, though, is the question. My other theory is that I came from a time so far distant in the past that only relics remain of my people. I’m planning on talking to the temporal guys later.”

“So you want us to try to open a portal between our worlds?” the reasonable one asked.

“Yeah. Well, I want to know if you can do it, and if you can, will you?”

“It’s certainly possible…” one of them mused. He walked over to a table with paper on it and started writing something. “How close is your world to ours?”

“Change all the sentient races here to humans and remove all the magic and there’s no difference at all. There are a number of geography changes, I think, but the continents seem to be in mostly the same places.”

He started writing. “That points to two possibilities. One, Sparkle’s spell was powerful enough to reach through time. Two, her spell was able to reach to dimensions very close to ours. Or a third option that involves her just really, really bucking up. Knowing Twilight, we can’t discount that.” He looked up. “Do you have an anchor?”

“Do I look like a fucking boat to you?”

He blinked. “No? I mean, do you have any objects from your home?”

I opened my mouth to tell him no, but paused. I checked my pockets. “Holy shit, how do I still have these?” I pulled out a glove and passed it to him.

He fiddled around with it in his hooves for a few moments. “What is this made of? I’ve never felt anything like it.”

“Um. You don’t want to know.” He looked up, an eyebrow raised. “Alright, you have to understand first that humans are the only intelligent species on the planet. Nothing else has sapience.”

“…And?”

“That’s dried animal flesh.”

He dropped it like it was on fire.

I shrugged. “You asked. So do you think you can open a portal or what?”

One of the others stepped up to the table. “It’s certainly possible. The only real success we had was with Fluffy, but that ended up being considerably more of a failure when we found out that he preferred eating interns over puppy chow. We managed to wean him off them, but the damage to our reputation was done at that point. Ever since then, we’ve been trying to find a way to regain what we lost. Having an actual item that might be from another dimension… If we can pull this off, it’s sure to put us back on level one!”

“Assuming he’s actually from another dimension,” one of the others said, stepping up to the table. “But even if he’s not, we might be able to work with temporal. We’re better at dealing with portals than they are, after all. Who knows? Maybe that can at least get us off this terrible floor.”

I love interfactional politics. Especially when I’m not involved. “Can you guys send me any word if you make any progress? I’m based in Ponyville as of right now. And please don’t hurt that glove. That’s one of the only things I have left of my old life.”

“No promises about the glove. We’ll send word if we make a breakthrough of a literal or metaphorical sense.”

“So what floor are the time guys on?” I asked. “I’ll stop by there before I leave.”

“First, of course,” one of them said without looking up from the calculations or whatever.

I shrugged and stepped over the broken remnants of their door. I had the small kindling of hope burning in me for the first time in a long time as I walked back to the teleporting pad. I knew it was probably going to be quickly doused, but it was still worth holding onto.

I got back to the teleporting pad and said, “Floor one,” and pulled the lever. An instant later, I was standing back in the lobby. I popped my neck as I walked back up to the desk. “Any word on me getting permission?”

She nodded. “I checked. As a knight, you have the right to enter almost any part of the tower. The only place that’s off-limits is the Orb.” At my raised eyebrow she explained, “The big floating rock. I don’t know why it’s called the Orb since it isn’t an orb, but that’s what it’s called. That is where the most powerful magic of all time is performed.” She shrugged. “The place gives me the creeps. It just hangs there, unmoving.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely not normal. Where are the guys I want to talk to?”

She pointed to a door behind her. “I have to warn you before stepping into that hall… It’s different. Oh, the hall itself looks fine. It doesn’t even look all that long. But it’s a mix of magic and visual tricks that essentially makes the entire thing seem endless. Without knowing any of the shortcuts, you have to just keep walking until you find the room you’re looking for.”

I looked at the door for a moment and shrugged. “I’m used to walking.”

Half an hour later, I was very bored of walking through an endless empty white hall. The building had no right to be that big. When I finally found the correct room, I let out a sigh of relief. This place had been starting to piss me off. I opened the door and let myself in.

I immediately found myself looking back at the hall. I turned around to the hall that I left and saw more hall. I leaned back and looked at the plaque next to the door. It said ‘Temporal Mechanics.’ I backed up and closed the door. I kicked the fucker in and found a few very surprised looking ponies. “Sup?” I casually asked as I walked in.

“Why did you kick in our door?” one of them asked.

“Because when I opened it, I found more hall. That shit pissed me off. Can you help me with something?”

“You kicked in our door!”

“Yeah, that’s what it gets for pissing me off. I don’t see what that has to do with you helping me or not.” It was at that point that I decided to actually take a look around the room. A few windows showed various scenes from places all around the world. When I actually thought to look closer, I realized they were all the same location, but in different times. Some wildlife was actually moving in them. The room itself was a cozy place with a few bookcases full of old but well-maintained tomes and the occasional scroll. Various couches and lounges were scattered around the room, and it looked more like a philosopher’s den than a laboratory. Seven ponies were sitting around the couches. Two of them had pipes and funny hats. One of the funny hat guys was the one that was talking to me.

The one that was speaking sighed. “What do you need help with?”

I stepped in farther, gently kicking the door closed. “I think that when I was summoned, I was summoned from the past. I want to know if this can be confirmed and if it can, I want a portal to be opened so I can go back.”

He rolled his eyes. “Even if you did come from some time in the past, sending you back now could disrupt the entire timeline. The effect you would have is unimaginable. It isn’t worth the risk.”

“That’s not even how time travel works,” I answered.

He scoffed. “And how would you know that?”

“Because I live with Twilight motherfucking Sparkle.” They all groaned. “She was actually stupid enough to send herself back in time by, like, a week. It was then that I realized that time is not a river with separate branches of different things happening. Time is an ocean. If I get sent back in time now, that means I already did whatever it is I would do when I was sent back in time. So there are absolutely no consequences of time traveling. Either you did it and what you changed was already changed, or you didn’t do it and nothing goes wrong. The only point of contention I should have to argue is why you should help send me back in time, not if time traveling is too dangerous to even contemplate.”

The fellow in the hat that wasn’t talking smirked at the one that had been. “I always told you! Ever since we started, I told you! Consequences my flank.” He jumped up and walked over to one of the tables. His horn lit up and some books flew over from a bookcase. “Even if it took a mare as dangerously single-minded as Twilight to prove me right, I’m still right.” He opened one of the books, read a few lines, let his horn light up, and he popped out of view. He reappeared a second later. “And now I just told myself when I was despairing three years ago to hold onto my belief that I was right.” He turned to face the others and myself. “So how can we help you?”

I have no idea what just happened. “Long story short, Twilight used a spell to summon me. That spell was supposed to only get things from this world. It got me. I have two theories. One is that she fucked up and pulled me from another dimension. The other is that she fucked up and pulled me from the past. I don’t know yet which is true, but I’m leaning toward the past. I want to know if a portal can be opened to connect the past with the future.”

He grabbed his hat and pipe and set them on the table before beginning to pace. “It is possible… But if you come from the past, something had to have killed off or changed your kind. We don’t know what that something is or when it happened. If we open a portal, it is entirely possible that we would run into whatever it was that did it. It’s too risky to even contemplate.” He stopped and turned to me, pointing a hoof at me. “That does not mean we can’t send you back.” He set his hoof down and went back to pacing. “There is a spell that allows a pony to go back in time, but the duration of the spell is short and casting it even over short periods of time is hard. We would need a general time period to aim at and we would need a massive amount of magic power. It is not an easy task you propose. Why do you desire to return?”

“I wanted a portal for cultural and technological exchange. Humans are scientific geniuses, but we have no magic. Ponies are magical and all that, but have no ambition or drive to increase technology. Together, the two races could become powerhouses. And even more importantly, I wanted to save some humans from whatever kills us. Even if it’s just a few… That and I’m really getting tired of being alone. Even if I can’t stay long in my time, I want to go back home. Selfish, perhaps, but that’s what it is.”

“Not perhaps,” the pony answered, nodding. “Definitely selfish. But there is nothing wrong with that. If you are from the past, you are the only definite link we have to that time. I wouldn’t give the chance to check up for anything in the world. Do you know how long ago it might have been?”

I shrugged. “Absolutely no clue at all. I know that if I did come from the past, the Morpheus statue that Luna owns is an artifact from my people. The spear of destiny is probably an artifact of ours. I don’t know about any others. And I do have an item that came with me.” I pulled out my other glove and held it up. “Do you think any of them would be useful?”

His horn lit up and I let the glove fly to him. “We… might be able to do something with this. If not this, then perhaps one of the other objects. Sadly, there is no test to see where or when a pony—or a human, in this case—comes from. We can tell how old you are, but that isn’t the same as when you come from if you skipped a large portion of history.” He shrugged. “We’ll do what we can, but no promises.”

“I never expected any. Doing what you can is enough. If you make any progress, can you let me know?”

He nodded. “Of course. It has been a long time since we had an actual project to work on!” He grinned darkly. “It’s about time, too. Now, can we help you with anything else?”

I looked back at the broken door for a moment before looking to the guy. “How do I get back to the entrance?”

He pointed to a closet door. “Take that and go to either end.”

I shrugged and stepped through the door. I was put into an identical hallway that was a lot shorter than the others. Flo, does this place make sense to you?

“Yes, actually. I could not replicate it or explain it, but it makes sense. To put it in a way that you can understand, reality is folded in this location. I don’t know if the ponies did that or if reality was already folded and the ponies took advantage of it.”

“Why have you been so silent lately?” I asked as I started walking down the hall.

“You haven’t been listening to my advice anyway. Why give it if I am just going to be ignored?”

“So you can say ‘I told you so’ when it all goes wrong.”

She sighed. “That won’t make me feel any better when your head is on the chopping block. I know that you’ve been driven to and beyond your limit, but you really need to start being more careful with what you say and do.”

“I have no intention of getting killed until after I start saving elementals. Then, all bets are off.”

“If I didn’t know you were joking, that would make me very angry. Even then, you should not joke about something like that, Nav. Life is sacred, and you should not look for ways to throw yours away. Especially if it endangers others around you!” She sighed into my mind. “I suppose it is my due for taking such a torn soul into my service. I can’t wait until I am free, and can protect you the way you deserve.”

“Whoa, now. Shit like that raises red flags with me, you know that.”

“I know, Nav. I would not do anything to you that you would dislike. Even if you are thinking about abandoning me.”

“I never planned to stay home forever. With these wings, I would still probably end up in a lab if I was there for too long. Though if I’m just going for a limited amount of time before we’re automatically pulled back, that shouldn’t be an issue.”

She let out a petulant hmph. And just so you readers are aware, she informed me when I wrote that line that she wasn’t being petulant. Also just so you readers are aware, you’re all terrible people and are going to pony hell for reading my diaries.

Anyway, I reached the end of the hallway with silence in my head. I opened the door and found that I was in the lobby somehow. I sighed and just walked on through. The secretary chick stopped me. “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Yep. Got two groups working on my problem now. Hopefully at least half of them will turn something up. Thanks for your help, too.”

She smiled. “You know, I can think of a good way for you to repay me…”

I grinned, knowing where this was going. I opened my mouth to respond when the door exploded and a tentacle monster burst in, holding several squirming ponies in its grasp.

“DAMMIT FLUFFY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DOORS! AND PUT THOSE PONIES DOWN!”

She sighed and said, “Another time, perhaps.” She bent down to grab a rolled up newspaper and flew off toward the abomination. She smacked a few of its tentacles. I figured they knew what they were doing, and skirted around the writhing monster and left the tower.

All in all, that place was weird as fuck.

On Flo’s advice, I walked through Canterlot instead of flying above it. She gave the reasoning that if Taya asked to stay with Cadance, she had a reason, and that I shouldn’t rush her by showing up to get her too soon.

I didn’t really care, myself. If Taya wanted to do that to herself, I wasn’t going to stand in her way. I couldn’t help but wonder if that made me a bad person.

Well, I already knew I was a bad parent, so I guess I don’t really need even more reasons for it.

I got back to the palace with plenty of time to spare. It wasn’t even dinner time yet. I was tempted to go and find something to do for a few hours, but I knew Taya would probably be aching to escape Cadance by now. As I walked down the hall to Cadance’s room, I was honestly kind of surprised that I didn’t hear general bedlam.

I got to Cadance’s door and knocked. A moment later, Cadance answered it, her ears low. She perked up a little when she saw me.

“I trust she was no problem?” I asked.

“You… you could say that.” She pulled the door open farther and ushered me inside. Taya was sitting in the middle of the floor, staring at Cadance.

I crossed my arms. “Have you been staring at her the entire time?” Taya blinked and rubbed at her eyes before looking at me and nodding. “Taya, that is what we call rude. You could have proven your point just as easily by refusing to stay with her. Now you’ve gone and spooked one of the few people I have that I can honestly call a friend.” She looked away when she realized she was being rebuked. I really didn’t want to say this next line, because it always made me feel like shit when I was a kid. “Now what do you say?”

Her ears drooped and she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Cadance hopped over and wrapped her in a hug. “It’s okay!”

Taya looked up at me, fear in her eyes. I sighed and said, “Taya, would you kindly wait outside? I have something I need to talk to Cadance about.”

Cadance released her and Taya wasted no time in making herself scarce. I claimed a seat and Cadance sat across from me. “So…” she said.

“Some of what I’m about to say is going to be very awkward and you are going to have a hard time even imagining yourself doing them. Listen anyway. Let me tell you about the joys of BDSM and giving rather than receiving…”

A few hours later, a very reluctant Taya was being fastened to my newly feminine equine back. “This is a terrible idea,” she announced when she was safely tied onto me.

“For what it’s worth, it was an even worse idea twelve hours ago,” I answered.

“Stop complaining,” Celestia told me. “You’re lucky I’m not making you stay there for three weeks.”

“Taya, was I complaining?”

“No, you were stating valid issues.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Navarone, I am very capable in making this worse on you and I have every right to do so. Do not tempt me.” I mumbled something mean spirited but didn’t say anything too loudly. “That is what I thought. Now hold still, this will sting.”

I looked back in time to see her lower her shining horn to my ass. I stiffened as white hot pain seared into my back leg. “FUCKING BITCH!”

“I told you it would sting. Now stop squirming, I have to get the other side.” I tried kicking back at her, but she caught me with magic. The same searing pain hit my other leg. “There. I’ll have to heal you when you get back, but those should pass casual inspection.”

I now had two matching dusters on both flanks. “And why,” I asked through gritted teeth, “did you wait until Taya was on me?”

“To make sure she was securely attached, of course. You didn’t jump around nearly as much as I was expecting. You’re a good little pony, aren’t you?”

I let out a deep breath. “Taya, do something to her to express the hate I feel inside of me right now.”

She turned her head to look Celestia up and down. “She’s not even worth the effort of coming up with an insult.” Celestia jerked back.

“True,” I said with a shrug. “Where are we going? The sooner I can get off my legs the better.”

Celestia looked very deeply insulted, and I took a minute to feel happy that we were the only ones on the balcony. She quickly put on a neutral face again. “You will meet the contact at an inn in Gryphus. The Gilded Griffin, it is called. A silly name, but I’ve heard worse. He will tell you where to go and what to do. Navarone, remember your vocabulary. Everypony, somepony, anypony. If anything goes wrong, call my name. I will be watching, but my attention might be elsewhere. Luna will come at the stroke of midnight tomorrow night. She will wait until you two are alone, if possible. This will be good training for her, I think. Do you have any questions?” I looked over at her and she blinked. “Oh buck, I forgot your eyes.” Her horn lit up and my eyes went through a stinging sensation as my pupils returned to their normal shapes. The shadows lengthened and what was before clear as day was now dark and dreary. “Now, again, do you have any questions?”

I stretched my wings. “None. Taya, you ready for this?” She gripped me tighter. “Let’s do this.” I jumped off the balcony that led straight off the side of the mountain. My grin grew and grew as we hurtled to the ground. There were two things that made me lift my wings and catch an air current, sending us shooting up and forward, over the large plains and low hills away from Canterlot. “Sleep while you can!” I called over my shoulder. “We’re in for one long fucking flight.”

Over hills and forests and villages and mountains… Looking back, the only reason I was able to make that flight was because I am unable to grow tired. I went full speed the entire way there. I had no reason to stop. It was then that I realized I could probably free the elementals and whatnot by myself, if I really felt up to it.

I arrived at Gryphus a few hours before sunrise. I had no idea what the streets would be like at that hour for someone that looked like I did, but I knew if push came to shove, I could wake Taya up and she could turn anyone that looked at me funny into paste. I landed near a bored looking guard.

He flinched when he heard my hooves hit the cobblestones. He blinked and rubbed his eyes when he saw me. When he confirmed that I was real, he said, “It isn’t safe for a lass like you to be out here alone.”

I nodded. “I am aware. I was supposed to meet a friend at an inn here, a place called The Gilded Griffin. His directions were terrible. Can you point me to it?”

He sighed and stretched his wings. “Follow me. I haven’t moved much in the past five hours anyway, might as well take you there.” With that, he leapt into the air. I joined him, sadly; my wings were very stiff at that point. Even if I don’t get tired, that doesn’t mean my body can’t get sore. He shot off and I followed him, straining to make my wings work.

I lasted long enough to get to the inn, at least. “Here you are, ma’am,” he said with a nod. “It’s a comfortable enough place. A word of advice: Don’t drink mead and don’t let your hatchling have any either. It never agrees with those that aren’t used to it.”

I nodded back. “Thank you for your help and advice.” He sketched a weak salute and jumped into the air to return to his position. I entered the inn.

It wasn’t until I was inside that I realized that, holy shit, I actually managed to open the door. I looked at my hoof in confusion before my attention was called by the only person in the room. “Either get in or get out but either way, shut the damn door.”

I kicked the door shut behind me and stepped further into the dim light of the tavern. There was a single griffin awake, looking at me with a very bored expression that perked up when he got a good look at me. “He didn’t tell me he was waiting on a pretty mare.” He grinned. “How about you ditch him and come to my room instead?”

We heard the sound of a cleared throat from the staircase. We both looked up and saw an earth pony descending. “It is about time you arrived, Feather. Why are you late?”

I rolled my eyes. “If the directions you had given me were better, I would have been here sooner. I had to ask a guard to show me the way. The next time I need a job, I’ll ask somepony else.”

He sniffed. “Think about that the next time you get run out of Trottingham. Now come on. You don’t have much longer before you have to get to work.” I rolled my shoulders and followed him up the stairs. Knowing the griffin was watching my flank, I let my tail swish considerably more than I should have.

The earth pony pulled me into a random room and shut the door behind us. “She didn’t tell me she was sending someone that looked like you!” he whispered as soon as he could.

“I am what she had to send,” I answered just as quietly.

He took a deep breath and let it out. “What orders were you given? How long are you supposed to be here?”

“I have to last until tonight. Why?”

He finally smiled. “You should be safe. The griffin you are going to be working for has a few lecherous guards that would harass you, as they do the other maids. I do not know how far the harassment goes, but most of them do not have foals. With her there… Let’s just say that it’s good you aren’t going to be there long. One more word of advice: The griffin you are working for is not married and would not feel bad about stooping to sleeping with his maids. As far as I know, none of his flirts have gone anywhere, but just beware that he might try flirting with you. Just don’t drink anything he gives you.”

“What, mead? I’d drink him under the table.”

He barked a laugh. “You are welcome to try, but if you wake up with an aching hindquarters and a burning skull, you have only yourself to blame.” I’ve heard horror stories of having sex with griffin males. I had no intention of ever trying it. “Now, how are your wings? Are you able to fly?”

I tried moving them to find that they were thoroughly stiff. I shook my head. “I flew in from fucking Canterlot. I’m grounded.”

He grimaced and reached up to my back to pull Taya down. He gently set her sleeping form on the bed before turning back to me. “This means nothing,” he said before somehow kicking my legs out from under me and pulling my wings up. He straddled my back and stretched them awkwardly, doing his best to avoid hitting any of the stronger pleasure spots. It still felt awesome, though I sadly knew I needed to pretend to keep it professional. After a few minutes, he stopped and got off me. “Try now.”

I didn’t trust my legs just yet, so I stretched my wings. They still felt sore, but I could actually fly. I sighed in delight. “I don’t suppose we can try that again, but with it meaning something?”

He giggled. “I think my wife would disapprove. Now come on, you need to get moving if you want to reach the manor in time.”

“Shit, don’t tell me it’s more hours of flying. I sure don’t feel like going that far.”

“It’s around an hour of flight. You need to get there early, to scope the place out. First thing’s first: Your uniform.” He walked over to a drawer, opened it, and pulled something out.

“…You’re joking, right?”

He grinned. “Nope. It seems our griffin friend took a trip to Prance and fell in love with their uniforms. Don’t worry, you’ll fit in with the other maids.” He looked me up and down. “Well, sort of. The princess already sent your specs here, so this should fit well. If not, what’s one day?” He walked over to the small bag that he removed from me while removing Taya. He opened it up and blinked. “Why do you have a belt of knives in here?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why. I ain’t going nowhere I might get molested or worse without some weapons. Stuff the outfit in there and tell me where I need to go.”

He shrugged and carefully folded it up and stored it in my pack. That done, he walked over to a table. “This is the map,” he said, unrolling a page. I walked over as he pointed things out. “We’re here. This is his mansion, to the west. It’s nestled in a valley between a mountain and a large hill. You’ll probably have a hard time spotting it, which is why you’re leaving so soon.” He gave me further directions. “Now, how tired are you? Do you think you can last all day?”

I nodded. “I’ll be fine, as long as I don’t have to do much flying. I have a lot of stamina.”

“Good. When the sun comes up, go down to the mansion. You should have no trouble finding the head maid. Now, do you have any questions?”

“Yeah. What will I have to do?”

He blinked. “Seriously?” I shrugged. “Maid things. Dust. Clean clothes, if there are any to be cleaned. You might be called to wait on the master of the house. Be polite and respectful and do not anger anypony. Remember to call him Master or whatever other name the first maid tells you to call him. What kind of act are you going to use?”

“The ‘keep my head low and don’t say anything more than necessary’ one. Taya and I are going to stay out of the way and not say a damn thing unless asked a direct question. Speaking of which, what is she supposed to do?”

“Who, her?” he asked, looking at the filly on the bed. “She can stay in the room you are given. Or, for most tasks, she can be with you as long as she stays out of the way. There are also a few other foals she can play with, if you believe she can stay silent about your mission.”

“She won’t be a problem. Now, we need to get moving again. Can you reattach her to my back?”

He walked over to where she had rolled into a filly ball and picked her up again. A moment later, she was trying to curl around my back. Given that she was getting tied down, it wasn’t working out well for her. I swear I heard the stallion mutter something about diabetes, but I think I misheard him.

“You’re good to go,” he finally said. “Good luck, and remember that if push comes to shove, the griffins respect strength.”

“Hope I won’t need that. I focus on dexterity rather than strength.”

“There is a valor in being able to avoid combat and blows, but that is something the griffins will probably not respect. Either way, good luck. Go out through the window; I don’t want the innkeeper to see you leave.”

I stretched my wings one last time as he opened the window for me. I nodded once and hopped out, quickly angling my body to the west and looking for landmarks.

An hour later, I alighted on an outcropping on the mountain behind the mansion. Night still reigned, and I could hear Taya’s low breathing on my back. I looked down on the mansion and cursed my new lack of night-eyes. I could not see nearly as much as I should have been able to.

From what I could see, the manor—village was more like it, honestly—was nice and comfortable looking. There were only two noticeable guards, and they didn’t seem to be doing much of anything but sitting around and talking. No one else was out and about. I knew right then that if I had been in my human body, I could sneak down there and steal the information I needed.

In fact… “Luna, I know you’re watching. How about we save ourselves a few hours and just go and get the information we need now? I know you have some creepy magic that can get us inside that place unseen, now that we’re close enough. We can sneak right past everyone that’s awake.”

A minute passed before I got any kind of response. A mass of inky blackness appeared and grew beside me and Luna slowly materialized silently next to me. Together, we peered down at the manor. “My sister is not going to be pleased, Navarone,” she told me, still looking down.

“And?”

“There was no and. She will not be pleased. That is for you to deal with. Remain here, out of sight. I will be back momentarily.” With a short glowing of her horn, she imploded into shadow again. I saw her darkness swirling down the mountain toward the manor. In seconds, she was inside. I settled down on the mountain to try to watch. When I realized that honestly I couldn’t see a damn thing, I turned my eyes to the sky. The Canadian night out in the wilderness is a beautiful thing.

I felt Taya jump and heard her mutter something. Soon after, I felt her legs wrap around me. “Are we there yet?”

“Yes. And we are probably going home very soon. We got here just in time to skip doing anything.”

“Good. So what are we waiting for?”

“Luna. She should be back shortly.”

It didn’t take her that long to rejoin us. “He is guilty. I was given the authority to arrest him. Remain here, Navarone. I will be back shortly.”

She teleported out and was back an instant later with the male stone, my axe, my armor, and two sets of shackles. “Get dressed,” she ordered, pulling Taya off my back and turning me back into a human.

I grabbed the blue stone and put on the armor, wishing I had something to go on underneath it. I reached into the travel pack and pulled the knife belt out from around the maid costume and buckled it around my waist. I put the chains around my neck, hanging down my chest. Finally, I pulled the axe over my shoulders. I looked up to Luna. “One more thing,” she said. Her horn lit up and I felt my eyes return to their cat-like state. I also felt my wings turn bat-like and a moment after, I felt my gums explode as my fangs burst out. “You are my knight, not my special somepony, and you will look the part.” She grinned. “And I suppose I should remove the brands on your flanks.” I felt a burst of healing soothe my aching ass as the damage done was removed. “Taya, wait in my room. We will be back there shortly.” Her horn lit up and Taya disappeared before she could say a word. “Are you ready?”

I tried stretching my wings. They were stiff as hell. “I can’t fly like this. I just flew from fucking Canterlot.”

She shrugged. “Then we will ride the darkness. It is not like teleporting. Do not even try to control it. Bad, bad things happen to those that try and fail.”

“Wait, wha—” Her horn lit up and the world melted into brightness. What had been shadows was now light and what had been light were now shadows. Luna skirted the edges of the torches, sticking to what normal people would call darkness. We floated over everything effortlessly. I wasn’t about to test what she said about controlling shadows, especially since I had no idea what she was talking about. I just let myself be pulled along. We landed outside the entrance of the main manor.

“Navarone, this door is in my way.” I glanced at her. She was looking disdainfully at the door. I shrugged and opened it for her. It was an easy feat, seeing as how it was unlocked.

There was a guard in the foyer, though. “Who goes th—” He choked when he saw us. “Wh-wh-what do you want?”

Luna seemed content to stay silent. “Where is the master of the house?” I demanded.

He seemed to grow a backbone. “And who are you to ask such a thing?”

Luna stepped forward. “Do you dare?” she hissed at him.

He gulped and said in a voice tight with fear, “Master Hestra is in bed. If you like—”

“Take us to him. Now.” I was having fun scaring this guy. He gulped and quickly started leading us through the mansion. “And if you are considering leading us to the barracks in an attempt to fight us,” I calmly said, “you will want to rethink your plan. Neither of us will hesitate to end you in the most painful way possible.”

He gulped and quickly took a side passage. Luna nodded approvingly. The griffin stopped outside of a random door and lifted a talon to weakly knock at it. I kicked the door open and let myself inside. The griffin on the bed right inside jumped up, forced awake. “Hestra, you are under arrest for the attempted assassination of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. You can come quietly or you can go to jail with a few broken bones. Which will it be?”

That woke him up quietly. “W-what? What right do you have to arrest me?”

Luna stepped forward and he gasped. “You may not remember the agreement signed, but I do. As per the Kestrel/Equine Treaty, you are under arrest. I suggest you come quietly.”

He scowled, hopping from his bed. “You will not take me so—” A punch to the beak from a gauntleted fist shut him up. He reeled back before leaping forward at me. I caught him with one hand and slammed him onto the floor.

“Something fun I learned about griffin anatomy the last time I fought one,” I idly commented as I wrestled his talons together. “You fuckers have hollow bones. Oh, you’re plenty strong, but if someone is well armored and fast enough, you can’t do a damn thing.”

He was steadily screaming griffin obscenities and insults, demanding that his guards come and assist him. A crowd was growing outside of his room, ponies and griffins looking in to see what was going on. Occasionally he would manage to hit my armor with his talons, but all it did was make a nasty screech and put a few scratches in it.

Soon enough, I had him suitably damaged and worn out. I had a few scratches on my face, but he had several broken bones and a very damaged beak. His talons were shackled together and I quickly flipped him onto his back to shackle his wings together as well.

“Now then. Hestra, you are hereby under arrest for the attempted assassination of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and for attacking a royal knight in the execution of his duty. Long story short, ya dun goofed.”

I stood and turned to face Luna. She nodded once and turned to the gathered residents of the manor. “I suggest finding a new place of employment. Now stand aside.” A hole quickly appeared in front of the door. “Sir Navarone, come.” I grabbed the chains around his talons and dragged the groaning griffin out into the hall behind her. When we got back outside, her horn lit up and we teleported to the dungeons under Canterlot.

“So what was the point in me dragging this bastard through the halls? He’s fucking heavy, you know.” Light bones or not, they have a lot of muscle.

“To make sure that the guards and servants know that we won.” Her horn lit up and the griffin floated to a wall. His shackles attached themselves to a hook and he hung there limply.

“Alright, I’m not cool with this,” I said, looking at him. “It’s one thing to kick his ass if he resists arrest. It’s another thing to hold him here like this. We have the information we need, right? Heal him and put him in a cell.”

She looked at me, surprised. “Is that truly normal practice these days? Fifteen hundred years ago, we had methods of punishing those that went against our kingdom.” She grinned darkly. “Very fun methods.” That explains a lot, actually.

“Luna, torture is illegal. Like, really illegal. You can’t tell me that Celestia didn’t inform you of that.”

She looked pensive. “That explains why I do not have a head custodian on my staff…” She looked at the groaning griffin. Her horn lit up and he was slowly lifted from his position on the wall and brought down to a table in front of her. Her horn lit up brighter and some of the damage on the griffin was healed away. She nodded to a few key hooks on the wall. “Bring me a set of keys. It will be easier to heal him if he is in a natural position.”

“Whoa now. We need to get him in a cell before we do all that. I’m not going to risk him jumping up and trying to fight again.”

“I accede to your wisdom on this matter, Navarone. Get the keys. I will put him in a cell.”

I walked to the wall and grabbed a set and followed her to where she was putting him on one of the shitty little cell beds. I stepped inside and undid both sets of shackles, removing them from him and stepping back. “Do your thing,” I told Luna with a nod.

Her horn lit up and more of the damage repaired itself. She let the healing trickle die shortly after. “I do not have that much strength left. Teleporting three ponies back and forth so much and so far is draining. He will have to live with the damage he has for now. Perhaps that will teach him to use his brain when it comes to trying to stand against an alicorn and her knight.”

“Awesome. So what now?”

She turned to me with a grin as we exited the cell. “How about you put on that maid outfit for me?”

I rolled my eyes. “First, Taya is waiting for us in your room. Second, no. Third, hell no. Fourth, maybe later, but only if you do it first. I will freely admit that French maids were a fetish of mine back home, and I have to say that I’m curious to see how a pony would look in one of the outfits. I would kill for a wing massage, though. You don’t go that kinda distance without getting sore.”

She looked at the bat wings jutting out of my back. “I thought you got rid of those because they didn’t feel as good as feathered wings did.”

I attempted to ruffle the feathers I didn’t have. “I had planned to get turned back before we did anything fun.”

“And why should I?” she asked as we traversed the dungeon. “The deal that we had was broken. You are no longer promised as my special somehuman. Why should I not have you redo the oath and leave you like you currently are?”

“Because if you even try to make me swear another oath you will never see me again. That was done when my choice was swear an oath or submit to whatever punishment you and Celestia had for me if I decided not to. I have Celestia’s word that I am to remain a free man, and I fully intend to remind her of that if either of you slip up.”

I do not think she was amused by that.

And when Celestia woke up, she was most definitely not amused to find the three of us chilling in the royal breakfast nook. Well, she was okay with Luna being there, but not me or Taya. “And just what,” she demanded in an icy tone, “are you two doing back here?”

I shrugged, leaning my chair back on two legs. “Chillin’. You?”

Her horn lit up and my chair flipped back the rest of the way, sending me to the floor. “You know what I meant. You are supposed to be working right now!”

I rubbed the back of my head, sitting up. Taya was glaring at Celestia, Celestia was glaring at me, and Luna was impassively watching.

I stood, setting my chair upright. I plopped myself back down in it, bat wings settling behind me. “Luna and I decided on a change of plans, since I arrived earlier than expected and everyone was still asleep. Long story short, the griffin guy is in the dungeon.”

You could hear a pin drop before Celestia exploded. “WHAT!?” She gripped me with magic and threw me against the wall. “YOU WERE TO FIND EVIDENCE, NOT ARREST HIM!”

I was trying to catch my breath; being forced into the wall definitely takes your breath away. Before I could recuperate, Luna stepped forward and her horn lit up. The field of magic around me disappeared and I fell to the floor on my hands and knees, gasping for breath.

“He was following my orders, sister,” Luna calmly said.

Celestia calmed immediately. “Navarone, go to your quarters. You will not leave until you have spoken to me. Luna, you will come with me.” Celestia walked out and Luna followed her, leaving me and Taya alone in the room. I achingly got to my feet. Taya jumped to help me, though there was little she could do.

“As much… as I want… to tell her to fuck herself… that would be… a bad idea,” I gasped, shaking my wings to make sure nothing was broken. I let myself catch my breath and sighed, “Let’s go.”

I unsteadily left the room, Taya at my side. A small part of my mind wondered what the servants that usually fixed breakfast would do. Most of my mind was concentrated on making sure I didn’t fuck up the coming conversation and making sure to not get my ass tossed in prison.

I sighed, seeing one unpleasant option present itself. If it came down to it, I would appeal to Cadance for assistance. I probably would not like her price, but I would pay it if it meant that I got out of prison.

We arrived at my room ten minutes or so after I was banished from breakfast. “My everything hurts,” I sighed as I fell onto the bed, letting my leathery wings droop around me.

“So does mine,” Taya said. “Being tied onto your back like that hurt after a while.” She hopped up and joined me on the bed. She arranged herself so that she was under one of my wings. “We need to get these changed back. They aren’t nearly as comfortable as the feathers.”

“Don’t you worry. I fully plan on it. I also need to get my fangs turned back.”

She just sighed and wrapped my wing around herself, for some reason preferring me to a blanket. I let her have it, since there was no chance of her accidentally molesting me or something.

Sadly, Celestia did not want to let us have our moment. She entered with no preamble and kicked the door shut behind her. When I sat up, I saw that she had calmed down quite a bit. Her horn lit up and her crown fell off and clattered onto the ground. As she walked to the bed, each of her shoes stuck to the ground and fell off her feet. When she finally got to us, she just collapsed onto the bed, using a wing to pull me to her grasp. She wrapped me in a hug and just held me.

Taya was probably very, very confused. She was not alone, as I had no idea what was happening.

After a few minutes of silence, Celestia said, “By all rights, the griffins could very well declare war on us now. What Luna did was not illegal, but it was unheard of. The first war in almost seventeen hundred years… And it would be Luna’s fault. Navarone, why did you help her?”

“She told me she had a right to arrest him. How was I supposed to know she was lying?”

“Oh, she had every right to arrest him. Just because she has the right does not mean that she should have exercised it. She had the right to challenge me a thousand years ago, but she should not have done it. There are channels that must be used these days. The world is more ordered than the world she is used to. Yes, she is able to sneak into his house and find the evidence. However, she must give that evidence to the griffin king and allow him to arrest the griffin and give him to us. Barging in as you did and violently subduing him and then dragging him out embarrasses the griffin king and makes him look weak. That is a direct insult. And for you to have been the one to do the assaulting… Navarone, Bloodbeak has every right to demand your head. You were following orders, but he can’t very well demand that Luna be punished.”

“He is welcome to attempt to remove my head. I can’t promise it would end well for him now that I know how to fight griffins. Besides, he’s a pretty chill dude. I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

She let me go and rolled out of bed. “If he demands your head, I will give you three choices. Seek asylum with the changelings, flee and attempt to live your life on the run, or submit to your punishment. I will not be able to help you. I can’t risk war for any one pony, Navarone. Or one human. As you said, I do not think it will come to that, but I suggest being ready to run.”

“Celestia, I am always ready to run. If there is anything I have learned, it is how to start over. This will blow over, though. Don’t worry.”

She grinned sadly as her crown floated back up to her head. “I hope so. Now, before you go back home to Ponyville, do you want me to fix your wings and teeth?”

“Yes. No reason to risk terrifying the ponies back home.” Her horn lit up and I felt my wings grow feathery and my teeth retract.

“There. Now, you are free to go home. I believe that some of your friends want to talk to you.”

I sighed. “I’m not surprised. I don’t suppose I could get a chariot to take me back or something?”

She nodded. “Go to the chariot pool. They will be expecting you by the time you get there. Now, I fear I need to go deal with this crisis before it explodes. I will see you both later.” She trotted back out into the hall.

“So… what just happened?” Taya asked.

“I got snuggled by a pretty pony princess,” I answered as I stood and began getting all my shit together.

“I think there was more to it than that.”

“You are welcome to think that.” Thankfully, my bags were mostly packed already. I took one look at the bag with the maid outfit and almost threw it away. After a moment of thought and the realization that I was probably going to regret it, I stuck the bag in with my other stuff.

She teleported onto my torso and latched on, looking me in the eyes. “What happened?”

I sighed and sat on the bed, peeling the filly off me. “Long story short, Luna fucked up. The guy we were supposed to get dirt on was guilty, but we weren’t supposed to arrest him. My job was to act as a focal point for Luna to teleport in so she could pick the guy’s brain while he was asleep and then we would get any evidence that he was guilty and give it to Bloodbeak, who would then arrest the bastard and give him to us. Instead, Luna skipped the getting evidence and giving it to the king part and had me skip straight to the arresting him part. I kicked his ass and we dragged him off to the dungeons under Canterlot. When the griffin king learns of this, the political ramifications will probably be severe, because we violated protocol.”

“But the end result is the same! He’s in jail.”

“I know. But we violated protocol. It doesn’t matter if the end result would have been the same. You don’t snub the middle man, because it insults them and pisses them off. Even if Celestia is the biggest political power on the planet, we still have to be leery about messing with the smaller powers, especially one that rules a carnivorous power that borders your land. I do not think that anything will happen. But if it does, there is a chance that all of the fallout will hit me. That could result in a few things. One, that I get arrested and thrown into a griffin prison, whereupon I would be offered a full pardon if I accepted an advisory position to the king and renounced my allegiance to Equestria. Two, that I accept some manner of public penance or punishment. And three, that my head gets chopped off. The second, I could deal with. I will not let the other two happen. Now, we need to get ready.”

She hopped off the bed and just watched me as I continued putting everything in a manageable location. When I saw the pile, I sighed. “Teleport all that shit home. I don’t even want to deal with it.” Her horn lit up and everything disappeared. I took a moment to lament the fact that I just sent most of my weapons home, but I got over it when I realized that we were in the palace and going home soon anyway.

As we rode the chariot back to Ponyville, I cast my mind ahead and couldn’t help but wonder what kind of new horrors coming home would bring for me this time.

Chapter Sixty-Four—Becoming a real family man

Chapter Sixty-Four—Becoming a real family man

We arrived back at Ponyville a little after noon and were immediately bombarded with absolutely nothing. Seeing me coming and going from a palace chariot was a relatively common occurrence these days, so none of the random unimportant ponies of Ponyville cared. I figured anyone that wanted to talk with me had no clue when I was coming back, and would stop by when they heard I was back in town. Or Twilight would tell me who was looking for me.

As it turned out, Twilight wasn’t going to be telling me anything. Or I should rather say, she wasn’t going to be telling me anything pleasant. “YOU MADE THE PRINCESS CRY!” rang in my ears as soon as I stepped into the library.

I sighed internally. Dammit, Pinkie. “These things happen,” I answered with a shrug as Taya and I let ourselves in the rest of the way. “And you know full well that I have every reason to do so. Or rather, you should be able to suspect that I do.”

“You made. The princess. Cry,” Twilight spat out, glaring at me. “And you’re not even remorseful!”

I crossed my arms. “And why should I be? Give me one reason why I should care.”

She opened her mouth angrily but froze. Her eyes widened for a second before narrowing. “Get out.” I blinked. She continued, “I should have done this a long time ago. Get out of my house.”

Well, this was certainly unexpected. I turned around and walked out. I had been waiting for it, honestly, but I didn’t really think it was ever going to happen.

Flo spoke up as Taya slammed the door shut with her magic before following me. “Twilight would forgive you if you asked, you know,” Flo whispered.

I know. “Taya, you know she wouldn’t make you leave. You should stay with her until I get my place built.”

She blinked. “Why would you have a house built? Why can’t we just buy one?”

I gave her a dark grin. “I have my reasons. I’ll explain it later, when we’re not on the road. Now, again, you need to stay with Twilight.”

“I’m not leaving you,” she answered. I don’t know why I expected anything different.

We walked in silence for a few moments. “Celestia’s gonna be so pissed…” I eventually said with a smile.

“Why would she be mad about Twilight kicking you out?”

I shook my head. “Not that. About what I’m about to do. Let’s go get some candy.”

“…Is now really a good time for candy?” she asked, very confused.

“I can’t think of any better.” She just shook her head, trusting my judgment.

We got to Bon-Bon’s candy shop a few minutes later. There were a few kids in there, getting candy. Bonnie smiled when she saw us. “How can I help you two?” she asked.

“Oh, we’re just looking for a moment,” I answered.

She nodded and went back to watching the kids. I pretended to browse the wares while I formulated a nasty little plan.

When the kids bought their stuff and left, I looked up. “I need to send a message to Chrysalis.”

She gasped before nervously looking around. She gulped before walking over and putting a sign up in the window. “Come with me,” she whispered, leading us to a back room. When we got to one of the back rooms, she turned to us. “How did you know?” she asked in a pained voice.

I waved a hand. “Chrysalis gave me a list the last time I spoke with her. I swore to never use it unless I had to, and I’m in a big pickle right now. Long story short, I just got kicked out of Twilight’s place and I need a house. Getting Chrysalis to build me one would be a slap in the face to all the ponies so that’s what I’m going to do. Can you get a message to her?”

She gave me a pitying look. “What happened?”

“It’s been a long time coming. I kept pissing her off and not caring. It finally came to a head and out into the streets I went.”

She sighed. “Well, if you need a place to stay, you’re welcome with us. You know that.”

I nodded. “I do. But I don’t want to spend a night in a couple’s house. I’d feel like I was intruding. I’ll ask AJ if I can stay at her place until the house is built, assuming Chrysalis does decide to help me. If I can’t stay with her, I’ll try a few other friends. Your offer is appreciated, but it would be awkward, I think.”

She nodded. “Well, the offer is open if you can’t find anywhere else to stay. Of course I’ll get a message to her majesty. What did you want to tell her?”

“I’m going to get a plot of land near the Everfree. I want a fucking fortress built there. If she can get me the workers and the materials, I could pay for the labor. I would also like electricity installed, if possible.” If I was going to do this as an insult to the ponies, I was going to do it in the best way possible. No magic running my fucking house, no sir.

“Elec-what?” she asked.

“Just tell Chrysalis that. It would take too long to explain it. Man, you’ve been away from the hives for a long time, haven’t you?”

She nodded. “I’ve been assigned to Ponyville since I was a foal. It wasn’t a popular choice, but they occasionally send prodigies away at young ages to see how well we would do.” She grinned. “No pony has ever suspected a thing.”

I met her grin. “So Lyra’s never caught on that sometimes your strap-ons are more realistic than normal?”

She choked. Her reaction made me burst out laughing. Taya just sighed and shook her head.

When Bon-Bon was more composed, she said in a somewhat tight voice, “I really need to get back to my shop before anypony gets suspicious…”

I nodded. “Fair enough. When would you expect a response?”

“It will probably be a day or two. If she says no, what will you do?”

Leave Equestria way ahead of schedule. “I’ll figure something out.”

With that, Taya and I were off once again. “So where are we going now?” she asked.

“Mayor’s office. Gotta make sure what I’m doing is legal. If it’s not legal, I have to make it legal.” A thought occurred to me. “Wait, why the fuck am I going to ask AJ? Fuck, I don’t need to sleep, I can do whatever I want all night. Taya, you’re going to stay with Twilight until our house is built. She’ll feel bad enough from kicking me out to let you do so.”

Taya just sighed. I was using the father voice on her and she knew I wouldn’t relent.

We got to the mayor’s office a few minutes later. There were a few construction ponies hanging off the side, repairing some manner of damage to the building. I swear that place gets damaged every few months. It’s usually Derpy’s fault.

Thankfully, there was no line to meet her. Also thankfully, being a knight let me see her immediately instead of having to wait for her convenience. She was sitting behind her desk. I saw her stuffing something under the desk as I walked in, but I didn’t comment on it. A mare’s gotta have her comforts, whatever they may be.

“How can I help you today, Sir Navarone?” she asked, plastering on a fake smile. Mayor Mare was always nervous around me and I was never really certain why. I also didn’t really care, but I did think it was interesting.

“Who owns the land right next to the Everfree? I’m not talking about Fluttershy’s little shack, I’m talking about the area closer to Applejack’s place.”

She blinked. “As far as I know, no pony owns most of the land out there. No pony would want it, with the Everfree forest right there.”

“So would I need a building permit to put a house out there? Or would I need some kind of permission from you?”

She drummed her hooves on the desk. “There is one requirement. I have to warn you that living close to that forest is foolhardy, dangerous, potentially suicidal, and I need to know the names of your next of kin in case something happens.”

“My next of kin is Taya. She’s the only family I have. And I understand the risks better than anyone else on this planet other than maybe Zecora.”

She nodded. “I can get you in contact with a building company. The price will be steep since they’ll demand danger pay for working next to the forest, but they do good work. You’ll also need to talk to the ley line company to get power to the house once it’s built. Once it gets built, you’ll have to have it inspected since you will have a minor living with you. It will also have to be added to the mailing list and to the local maps.”

“Don’t worry about the building company or the ley line people. I got something else in mind. Who do I talk to about inspecting it?”

“The office of building inspections is on the other side of this building. You can find a directory near the entrance. I don’t remember the room number offhoof, or I would tell you.”

“I’ll find it when I need it, then. Thanks, Miss Mare.” I still think Mayor Mare is silly as hell, but that’s her name and title. I just use miss instead, since it makes me feel like less of an idiot.

As I turned to go, she asked, “What brought this up, if you don’t mind me asking? I thought you lived with Twilight Sparkle.”

I looked back at her. “I thought a change of scenery might be nice.” Bon-Bon was a friend and not a gossip. The mayor was not a friend of mine and she apparently gossiped quite a bit to some of her friends. I didn’t want what happened to get out that far if I could help it.

“Oh. Well, I suppose I’ll talk to you later…”

And that was that.

Two days and several avoided friends later, I got a reply from Chrysalis.

I think the statement preceding this demands an explanation before I get onto the actual reply. Why would I be avoiding my friends? Because I knew what they would do: Offer sympathies mixed with an undertone of ‘you deserved it.’ They would also offer me a shower or a place to stay. They may even tell me that Twilight realized what she had done and decided to rectify her mistake. Given that I was wearing my ring the entire time, I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia and Luna were also hunting for me, to make sure I had a place to stay or something like that.

There were two people that know where I was hiding: Bon-Bon and Taya, and neither of them were telling anyone else.

Anyway, the actual response. When it finally came in, it came in a way I was not expecting at all: In the form of a bug pony queen.

“I do not see him,” I heard her voice say as I ducked into the underbrush. I didn’t want to be found, so when I heard someone walking up I hid.

I stepped out when I got over the shock that Chrysalis herself came. “Fancy seeing you here,” I commented, leaning against a conveniently placed tree. We were near the edge of the Everfree, in a location I knew couldn’t be seen from the sky and gave good cover from the rain. There were four changelings with her, three guards and what I assumed was Bon-Bon.

Chrysalis looked around the area with disdain before looking back to me. “So the great knight has fallen and come to his friend for succor. And tell me, what should the friend answer?”

I grinned. “I haven’t fallen so much as hit a small road bump. You aren’t my only option, either. I just know how much you love tweaking Celestia’s nose, and I knew this would be a good opportunity.”

Chrysalis nodded. “Yes, it would. That is why I have answered your call and why I have come myself. Celestia is not to know that I came here personally, though. Do you mind explaining just what happened and why you are in need of a new house?” I did just that. She was grinning by the end. “I will help you. My spy said you wanted electricity. This is possible, depending on where you want your house.”

“Near the Everfree. Right on the border, if you can put it there. Between the orchard and the small animal farm.”

She nodded. “I will see what I can do. I do not know the terrain, but my builders will find out about it. Using magic, we should be able to survey locations quickly. I believe building efforts can begin in a day, but I admit to not knowing much about architecture. You mentioned you wanted a fortress?”

I shrugged. “I was exaggerating a little bit. I want something that can be defended from all sides and something that can’t easily be breached. I don’t want to be bankrupted, though. And I don’t want it to be so big that I am constantly cleaning it. But a wall would be nice, as would a few spare rooms of various sizes. A pool would also be awesome, but cleaning that fucker would be a bitch. I trust in your architects. If they can make a place as cool as the main hive, they can handle a little manor.”

She nodded. “That they can. And do not worry about price… or cleaning. Changeling labor is free for friends to the hive. Though I have to ask… Why not come back with me?”

“I might, eventually. But I am a knight of Equestria, and eloping with the queen of another nation might look bad. Speaking of that, though, there is a possibility that I’ll be forced to flee Equestria for political reasons. If my first plan doesn’t pan out, you are my second plan.”

“Well well well… What’s this about?”

“Griffin shit. Luna and Celestia fucked up and I’ll take the blame for it because they’re princesses. Politics, basically.”

“You are welcome in the hives if that happens. Are you going to continue hiding in the woods while the house is built? You can have my room in the palace in the hive near here if you desire to stay in the hive until it is finished.”

I shook my head. “I’m getting some of my things and going to a place called Stone Falls for a few days.” That’s where Pinkie’s parents live. I don’t know if I ever mentioned it or not. “I’ll probably be coming back with a naga who will be living with me. A room for each species would be awesome, if it can be reasonably done. I trust you guys to get it done without too many problems.”

“That is… a lot of trust you are putting in us, Navarone.”

I shrugged. “You’ve earned it. None of the changelings have let me down yet. More than I can say about some other races. As soon as I figure out a way to sneak into town and get on a train, I’ll be gone.”

She gave me an odd look. “Why are you sneaking about? It honestly makes no sense to me why you would be here in the woods when you could be with most of your friends. Or in a hotel, if it came to that.”

“To tweak their noses, of course. I know these ponies, Chrysalis. Luna will be absolutely outraged when she finds out. Celestia will be pissed, but she’ll hide it well. I imagine Twilight will probably be crying for a few days because she drove me away with quick and hot words. But none of those reactions will be as pleasant if I don’t have a house to come back to. Do you know the concept of spite?”

She blinked, thinking. “It is a human concept, one I remember from… what you showed me.” Her slightly confused expression slowly turned into a smug one. “Yes, that applies here, in a way. You are dark, Navarone. Very dark. We will assist you in sneaking through town.”

“I need some things from my room, though. Clothes, my sword, my crossbow, some bolts, Taya, and some money.”

She looked at one of her soldiers and jerked her head toward the town. He morphed into a bird and flew off. She turned back to me. “What you need will be at the train station. Leave the forest in fifteen minutes.” She lifted her wings.

“One more thing,” I said, pushing myself off the tree. “I know I stink, but…” I wrapped her in a hug. “It’s good to see you. And thanks for stopping by on such short notice.” I let her go and found that she was blushing. I grinned at that. “I’ll be waiting.” With that, she and her two remaining guards quickly took off. What I assumed was Bon-Bon stayed.

“Be careful with her, Nav,” she warned, morphing back to her normal shape. Well, I say normal, but I’m not certain that applies here. “She is my queen, but she is… off. Different from us.” She blinked, blushing. “I mean, different from the ponies. Now, I need to get back to my shop.” She trotted off into the woods. I would warn her about the danger out here, but she’s smart enough to change shapes and fly away if anything happened.

Fifteen minutes later and some idle musings about what Chrysalis might be doing, I walked out of the woods for the first time in two days. As I walked into town, I wondered about what was different.

It didn’t take me long to figure it out. There weren’t any ponies on the street. None at all. I didn’t see any inside, either. I shrugged and continued on to the train station.

Taya, a bundle of clothes, and a bird were waiting for me there. Taya smiled and jumped up to hug me. The bird cocked its head. I nodded at it and it took off toward town square. With that, I returned Taya’s hug for a moment before letting her go. “I need to get some train tickets. We’re going on a long trip. Hopefully I can get a car with some kind of shower.”

She nodded. “I hope so too. But you don’t need to buy tickets.” She used her magic to pull something out of a bag. It was my all-access train pass that I had completely forgotten about.

“Huh. That’ll save me some cash. I still need to find out when a train is leaving that way, though.”

I walked over to the booth. “When’s the next west-bound train?” I asked him. I don’t know why there was a guy in the train booth when everyone else in town was gone, but I also wasn’t complaining.

He looked over at a schedule and a clock for a moment. “An hour,” he answered, turning back to me. “You two need tickets?”

I held up my pass. He pulled it over and looked at it before nodding. “You’re good to go. Just show that when they come by to check tickets.”

I nodded and went back to Taya. “We’re going to Stone Falls,” I told her.

She blinked. “…Why?”

“To talk to the naga, of course. Oh, and Chrysalis is building us a kickass house.”

“Okay.”

I sighed and sat down, pulling her to my side and draping an arm around her. “Taya, I should have said this a long time ago. ‘Okay’ is one of the shittiest answers you can give someone. It implies a bored neutrality and gives the impression that you just plain don’t give a shit. It’s perfectly fine to not care and honestly that’s about what I’ve come to expect, but you should at least pretend to be interested for politeness sake. This is one of the reasons I wish I could go back in time and put you in school. Learning all the facts isn’t the important part, it’s learning how to socialize and deal with others. You may think you can do everything alone, but you will very quickly be proven wrong if you ever try to put that into practice for extended periods of time. Knowing how to ask for help and not sound like a bitch when it’s given are very important skills that can’t be taught, only learned.”

“…Did you just say that I sounded like a bitch?”

“You’re too young to say that word, Taya. And no, I didn’t. I implied it. That’s one of the social things you need to learn.” I let her go, since I know I didn’t smell good. “Now, what did I miss in my two days away?”

“The princesses have been looking for you. So has Twilight. You were right. She wants to apologize and get you to come back to the library. A lot of the others are also looking for you.”

“Did they give any reasons?”

“Rarity really wants to talk to you, but I don’t know why. Applejack needs your help with something, but I don’t know what she needs. Rainbow Dash has just been bored and wants to… hang out.” She said that with an amusing amount of distaste.

“What about the princesses? Did they say why they were hunting?”

She nodded. “The griffin ambassador got a message from the king, who is demanding you be punished. They were both outraged at the price, but I don’t know what it was.” Shit.

“I should have spoken to them before telling Chrysalis to make me a house… Ain’t no reason to build it if I’m going to be fleeing the damn country in a few days.”

She shook her head. “They specifically said that you weren’t going to be hurt. They didn’t tell me what kind of punishment it was, though. If they thought you were going to be hurt, I would have shown them where you were.”

“The fuck kind of punishment could he give me that would piss them both off but not hurt me?” She shrugged. “I guess I’ll find out later. Learn any useful spells lately?”

We spent the next hour waiting on the train talking about all sorts of stuff and her demonstrating spells. No one else came into the train station. Whatever Chrysalis was doing, it had to be fucking big. When the train came, we got on it with no problems. We were gone before anyone in Ponyville knew we were leaving.

There wasn’t a shower in our car, but there was one on the train. We got to town on the next day, her well-rested and me finally clean. The only thing I was missing was my armor, and I honestly didn’t care that I didn’t have it. I wasn’t expecting to need my weapons or my ‘cursed’ items, but I had them on me anyway.

“You know,” I said as we slowly meandered down the nonexistent path to the entrance of the naga cave, “I just wanted a few days to relax when I got back. That party is very hectic all the time, and this one was even worse than the other one.” I had told her stories about it on the train. “It will be nice having our own house. Lonely, sure, but I can get over that.” Oh, if only I knew how wrong I was…

“It won’t be lonely if I’m there.”

“True,” I answered, nodding. “And knowing Pinkie, she wouldn’t let me be lonely anyway, even if I wanted to.” And there’s also the voice in my head. “At least this meeting should go amiably enough. Maybe if I ask nicely, they’ll let us stay here a few days.” As long as I don’t have to stay with the Pie family. No offense to them, but I had no desire to be ogled by farm sisters. If they were less innocent, I would happily have fun with them, but I think they were looking for more than that and I’m definitely not.

“What about food?”

“…That could be a problem, huh.” For her, not for me. “If we have to, we’ll go to town. It’s only a few hours’ walk. Been a few years since I had to cook, but since we’re living alone now, it’s time I relearned. Bet I can still make a decent stir-fry.”

“Pinkie made one of those for me once… It was nice.” Sometimes I forget that the Cakes still offer the recipes I gave Pinkie a long time ago. If I could get Pinkie to serious up for a few hours, I would get her to teach me how to make some basic things. Supplemented with scavenged things from the Everfree, of course.

I was in a pretty good mood when we got to the naga cave. That mood soured immediately when I stepped inside and the guards saw me. “Navarone the human mercenary,” one said in an official-sounding tone and straightening his body, “you are under arrest.”

“…Nope.” I turned around and just walked out. One of his massive hands wrapped around my wings and pulled me back.

“I suggest you stop trying to flee. That will only make it worse.”

“Daddy?” Taya asked, nervousness in her voice.

“Just a moment, dear. Naga, why am I under arrest?”

“For defiling one of our women.”

I relaxed. “Oh, shoot, I can explain that. Yeah, I submit.” I held my hands up and let him pull me back into the cave. Taya followed.

“This is all required, human, so do not take offense.” He pulled my sword from its sheath on my back and passed it to his friend. I held my arm out and he pulled the crossbow from its sling. He left the naga dagger and started patting me down.

“I have a knife up each sleeve, a dagger on each thigh, and a band of knives strapped across my chest,” I told him.

He pulled back, nodding. “The naga knife is allowed. Since you told me of the others, they are allowed.” He turned to the other guy and jerked his head to a small room. The other guy went in and came out without my weapons and carrying a very heavy looking pair of manacles. He passed them to the one that was restraining me. He opened the clasps and I held my arms out. He clamped them shut and dropped them, where they promptly slid off my arms and clanked onto the ground. He looked at them for a moment before looking back to me. We both shrugged and he just said, “Follow me. If you try to escape we’ll pluck your feathers out one by one.”

I ruffled my wings at that, not liking the sound of it. “As long as I am given a chance to explain, I agree to that.” There was also the fact that if it came down to it I would pull my ring off and have Taya teleport us out.

“Follow me, then.” He started off into the cave. Taya and I followed.

“So what kind of punishment would I get if I was found guilty?”

“That will be decided based on the circumstances.”

“So what is it with the reptilian races and hating other races having sex with them?”

“We do not hate that. We do not encourage it either, though. What we do not like is our females having sex outside of marriage.”

I blinked. Well now. That guy just gave me my defense. “Anything important or cool going on in the clan since the last time I was here?”

“We were given a few contracts by the horse queen. Nothing big, as far as I know. You would have to ask the clan leader for more information.” I would be doing that.

Thankfully, the clan leader wasn’t all the way in the back of the cave next to the pond, he was in the front of it. He looked up from a table covered in papers as we entered the dining hall. “Ah, the human has returned! It is a shame it is under such dark suspicions. Where are your chains?”

The guard answered, “They did not fit. His wrists are too small.”

The clan leader looked down at my wrists and blinked. “I forgot how scrawny you were. Come, come, sit. This will not take long, I do not believe.” He waved a hand to the area in front of his table. I sat on the hard rock floor.

He leaned over the table. “I also forgot how short you were. Stand, human. I do not want to crane my neck.” I rolled my eyes and stood. “There. Now, do you understand the charge against you?”

“I think so. Some chick said I fucked her.”

“That is a blunt and ugly way of putting it, but yes. What happened that night?”

I took a moment to collect my thoughts. “Alright. The fellow whose life I saved offered me place in his rooms. I accepted the offer. I laid down to sleep. Not half an hour later, a female naga slithered in. She told me that she had been sent as a reward of sorts, a bed warmer. I tried to dissuade her, but she did not like my attempts to do so. Basically, she said that if I did not give her what she wanted, there were twenty other females that would be making their way into my room and taking what they wanted. I did not know that what she was doing was not common practice, or I would have tried harder to stop her. As it was, by the time I realized what was happening, she already had my legs and arms wrapped up in her tail. I was completely immobilized when she started to rape me. When she was finished, she implied that if she left, there would be others that would take her place. So I allowed her to stay the night in my room. She was gone when I woke up the next morning.”

“That is… a different tale than the one we were told. Navarone, let me tell you what the standard punishment for this action is. For a member of the clan, it is marriage if neither of the pair is married. If either is married, both are exiled. If a nonmember of the clan defiles a female, the female is either executed or exiled, based on the severity of the incident and who initiated. If what you say is true, you will be given two options. You may either be inducted into the clan—a very unorthodox move and almost unheard of for something that is not a naga—and the two of you will be wed, or she will be executed. Think about which of those options you want.” That’s an easy choice.

“And if you decide that what she says is true?”

He shrugged. “She will be exiled. The one that originally planned to marry her will not be pleased with you. He might challenge you to an honor duel.”

“A what?”

“A duel of honor. It is self-explanatory, given you know what those two words mean. He gives the challenge, you pick the time and location. If you kill him, your honor is restored. If he kills you, his honor is restored.”

I sighed. “Alright, you’re going to have to explain this. How was my honor ruined at all in this case? And what honor do I even have?”

“The female said that you seduced her. Seducing an unmarried and underage female is terribly dishonorable.”

“Then it is a good thing that she is lying. So how pissed will the guy that’s trying to marry her be when you realize that I’m telling the truth?”

“He will be the one that gets to execute her, if you choose that route. His anger will be with her and himself.”

“Tell him to warm up his weapon, then. He’ll be needing it soon. So how do you guys determine who is lying and who is telling the truth?”

“Our elder is good at reading. He will determine it.”

“Your elder hates me. What if I can offer a better method?”

He crossed his arms. “And what method is that?”

I pulled out my key. “Taya, cover your ears.” She did so. I turned to the guard that was still in the room. “What is your name?” I asked him.

His eyes glazed. “Acciai.” He blinked, shaking his head. “What… what happened?”

I turned back to the naga chief and held the key up. “This thing can be used to force someone to tell the truth.” I tossed it to him and he caught it. “The trick to it is simple: Envision the other person’s mind as a locked box, with the key as the means of opening it. Then ask a question.”

He looked down at the key in his hand. “This is dangerous… Very dangerous.” He looked up to me. “There are questions I could ask with this thing that could… No. Human, did the naga female rape you?” Everything shut down. I felt my mouth move but I have no idea what I said or what I was thinking. I blinked my way out if it, rubbing my temple. “So be it. Guard, bring me the female and the one that desired to marry her.” With that, Acciai or whatever his name was went off.

“What… what?” I stuttered.

Taya hopped up next to me. My hand found her head automatically and gently patted it. “You said yes,” she whispered.

“Forgive me for not trusting you,” the clan leader said, putting the key on the table. “But I need to check to make sure the female speaks the truth as well. I will not be tricked.”

I shrugged. “Fair. When this blows over, I want to hire a teacher to come with me and teach me how to use my sword. How much would that cost me?”

He drummed his fingers on the table. “If you were in our clan, you would just pay his room, board, and meals wherever you went. As you are not… naga teachers are rare for the fact that they are the best. One hundred of the pony bits a month.”

I shrugged. “Deal.”

He gaped. “You jest! That much money is enough to hire a company of our warriors!”

I pulled out a bag of bits and set it on the table. “This should cover the first month.”

He pulled the string on it and slowly upended it. He very quickly counted it out. When he finished, he looked up at me. “Either you grew very prosperous in the time since we last met or time left us behind.”

“I got rich. Very rich.”

He nodded. “If you are found not guilty, this will cover the cost of a teacher for as long as you need him.” He sighed. “I was hoping to use that as an argument to get you to join the clan. Even out here, we hear rumors and word of your exploits. You would be a valuable addition.”

I fluffed my wings. “What would be the benefits of joining? And what would be the downsides?”

“The main benefit is always having a family. We help each other and we are there for each other. Of course, this would mean that you would be required to help as well. Another benefit is that you get in on our contracts, if you are interested. We do not get many, but your pony princess has given us a few in the past year. Nothing big, just minor security jobs and things like that, but it is decent pay. And with your wings… You would be a valuable addition. You would have a home here in our caves and you would have access to the clan’s excess weaponry, not that you could wield many of what we have. You would probably also be hard-pressed to find a wife.”

“What kind of freedom would I have?”

“Oh, the freedom to do anything you liked, as long as you acted honorably and abided by our rules.”

“Shit, I have to act honorably? I’ll pass. I survive by not doing that. Attempting to do it would get me killed.”

He sighed and leaned back on his tail—naga do a weird corkscrew kinda thing with their tails to simulate sitting. “You could be a scout. They have a different code entirely. Survive to get their information back by any means necessary. With your wings and as small as you are, that might be your best option.”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Would you, in my shoes? I am already a knight of Equestria. I’m planning on leaving this continent soon and I may never return. I don’t know how well my quest will go or if I’ll even survive it.”

He stroked his lower face, as though he had a beard. “You know, a few of us could go with you. I can think of a few that would volunteer, and if you were part of our clan, even more might go.”

I shook my head. “We’re going by airship. Your people do not like flying.”

He nodded. “That we don’t. There is still one that might go with you, the same one I was planning on sending to teach you. He might not like leaving his family, though. It will be his choice, if you would have him. There might be more that would be interested.”

“I don’t know how many we can take. I don’t even have transportation squared away. If the crew that I trust does not help me, I will be going alone and on foot.” I felt Taya gently bump into me. I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t about to take her or anyone else with me to a place where I did not have a safe area.

“The question you asked, though… Would I, if I were you? I admit to not knowing you very well. I have seen you using that devilish ranged weapon and I have heard word of some of your exploits. The naga seek glory and honor and I see in some of your actions that you are the same way, even if you do not admit it to yourself. That is what would drive someone to fight in and win the competition—and I would not be surprised if you won the competition this year as well. You will find no better chances for glory than with the naga. I would join us, if I were you.”

I rubbed the back of my neck and looked up at the ceiling. “Will I have to marry the bitch that raped me?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what would I have to do? There has to be a catch.”

“Normally, you would have to prove yourself in some way. However, there are many of us that know what you are capable of, and as I have said, word of your deeds has spread. If you want to join us, you will join us. That is that.”

I knelt down and pulled Taya over. “Opinions?” I asked her.

“If they ask for help, we might have to drop everything to help them,” she quietly answered.

Who the fuck is ‘we?’ “If they can find us. We’re going all over the world. There’s a good chance they won’t be able to get word to us.”

She was silent for a moment. She looked around the room. “This would be a good safe haven,” she finally answered. “If something goes wrong and we need to flee and Chrysalis isn’t an option, this would be a good place to go.”

She was right about that. Flo? Do you have any input on the matter?

“This place is perfect, Nav. The lake in the center would be the perfect staging area for my sisters and I before we seek the fire elementals and the air elementals. And looking at the naga, it might have been their ancient ancestors that served me and my sisters. They might be useful to us later. I say yes.”

I stood up and looked at the naga. “I’m in.”

A razor-sharp grin split his face. “Wonderful! I know just the female for you, too!”

I held up my hands. “Not interested!” What is it with clan leaders or whatever and trying to set me up with chicks? Actually, that does make sense. Get me to marry someone from their clan or race and I would be tied to them, or so they think. That’s how politics and shit work in a world like this.

“Oh? Taken already? Or,” and here his voice turned dark, “are you one of those girly-boys that prefers other males?”

I grimaced. “I’m not gay.” Braeburn was interesting, but not something I’m certain I want to try again. “That said, though, I have already promised someone that I would give her a chance the next time we meet. Someone more suited to living as long as I will.”

He raised the area above his eye that would be an eyebrow if he had hair. “And just how long will you live?”

I shrugged. “Until something kills me, probably. I’ve got one hell of a long life ahead of me.” And a lot of forces that are making sure that I won’t get killed. “So will there be any kind of ceremony for me joining the clan?”

“First, we have to make sure you are innocent. I believe you, personally, but we have to be sure. If you are proven innocent, the choice will be yours as to what to do with the girl.”

“Is exile an option? I do not like the idea of killing a defenseless woman, even if she did do something like that to me.”

He shook his head. “There are two options. Execution or you marrying her. The circumstances you presented means that she may be executed even if you join the clan, unless you choose to take her for yourself.”

I sighed. “At least make it quick. I do not like the idea of torture.”

“And neither do I. However, the option will not be ours. It is up to the one that chose her and discovered the crime.” I didn’t even know she was a virgin.

I sighed yet again. “As long as Taya and I do not have to watch, whatever. I’ve seen too many killed and I don’t want her to see it. Also, is there any chance we can stay here for a few days?”

He grinned again. “Of course! When you are inducted, you are part of the clan, Nav. You are welcome here for as long as you desire. You will need to choose a clan name, though.” He looked to Taya. “She will not.” He looked back to me again. “You are both welcome here. But I must ask, why do you need to stay here?”

“Long story. It ends in me pissing some of my friends off. I’m having a new house built and I need a place to crash for a week until it’s done.”

“A place to… crash?”

“Stay. I need a place to stay.”

“Ah. You know, you do not need that house built at all. You and your spawn are both welcome here. I admit that we do not have much food that would befit her, but we do have a small number of herbalists for remedies and the like that would be able to find edible plants for her in the wastes.” I really need to find out why people keep calling the places between the far west and the far east the wastes.

I looked around the room. “Is there, uh… anything to actually do here?”

He shrugged. “Tell and listen to stories. Learn of the past. You could explore the caves. You’ll need to tell your story to the historians we have so it can be put onto the wall if any of your deeds are deemed worthy of it.”

Taya spoke up. “I will handle that. He tends to exaggerate certain parts of his stories.”

He grinned. “Some warriors do. I did not figure your father for one of those. There is no harm in exaggeration, though I would ask that you be truthful to the historians.”

I was going to say something about that, but we were interrupted by several naga entering the room. The guard led the group. Several male naga and a few females followed him. I didn’t really know any of them well enough to pick out who was who, and most of them looked the same to me. I only knew who the clan leader was because he was fucking huge.

He looked over to the crowd. “Female, come forward.” The one that I assume was accusing me of seduction slithered closer to our table. The clan leader picked up the key. “Did you take from the human that which should only ever be freely given?”

Her eyes glazed. “He was not as enthusiastic as he should have been, so I removed his ability to deny me. He was putty in my hands, with threats and physical force to hold him.” She jerked and shook her head. “Huh?” She looked behind her, where there was general bedlam at what she had said. The word slut was thrown around a few times.

Eventually, the clan leader banged his fist on the table. “Enough!” The insults and bedlam petered out. “She has admitted her guilt and that she lied.”

She yelled out, “I didn’t say anything!”

“We all heard you,” he answered. “Do not lie again now. You should go to your grave with dignity, if nothing else.” There were a few mutters at that, and I think the coloration her face took on could be called pale. “The human and I had a talk. He does not want you.” He looked behind her to see the only naga that remained silent when she spoke. “The law is clear. Her death is yours. Remove her from my sight.”

The naga that was apparently her betrothed slowly moved forward to grab his now-crying would-be wife. He pulled her back out the way they came. The crowd slowly parted for them, most of them glaring at the girl and giving a few looks of pity to the guy. None of them spared a glance to the guy that got raped. The leader tossed me the key when no one was looking and I quickly pocketed it.

When they were out of the room, the leader called everyone’s attention again. “Now, another issue. I have offered the human a place in the clan.” He paused and there was silence to answer him. “Those that wish to speak against him, come forward.”

Three of the eight males moved forward. The clan leader pointed to one, who said, “He was unable to defend himself against one of our females. Why should we allow him into our clan?”

The leader looked to me for an answer. I sighed. “There are sects of my people that have a longstanding tradition of welcoming honored guests into their homes with women—females. In some cases, the females fight for the honor of having sex with the guest. That girl implied that this was the case here, and that if I did any harm to her that I would be insulting the clan and that another would soon be there to replace her anyway. I thought it a matter of prudence to accept it rather than attempt to fight.” Not to mention the fact that she probably could have smothered me to death with her tail.

The naga somehow slithered back to the crowd, his point apparently refuted to his satisfaction. However, another joined the three that were against me.

The naga pointed to one of the original two. “He is not one of us,” that naga said.

The clan leader spoke, “There is no rule against non-naga races joining a clan. There is precedent, a dragon made a member a number of years ago. I forget the details, though. And Navarone has done more than enough to warrant entrance into the clan, in my opinion.”

The naga shrugged and moved back to the group. The clan leader pointed to the last of the originals. “I was with the group that raided the enemy camp those long years ago. He does not fight as we would.”

“Navarone has, of his own volition, come to me to offer to pay for a naga trainer to teach him how to use a sword our way. Yes, he does not know how to fight like one of us yet, but he voluntarily came to learn. He wishes to rectify his ignorance. And just because he does not fight like us does not mean that he can’t fight. I would not be surprised if he was able to kill us all before we could touch him.”

The naga that accused me looked to me. “Can you?”

I pulled out my goggles and bent down to Taya. “Cover your eyes,” I whispered. She dropped to the ground and covered her eyes as best she could. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a flash bang. I slipped the goggles on, pulled the pin, waited two seconds, and tossed it into the air. I looked away from the blast and a second later, the room was infused with the brightest light most of the naga here had seen in years. Before any of them could react, I had my dagger out and was sprinting around the room, lightly poking each naga. I stopped back where I started, dagger put away.

Of course, it wasn’t as simple as that. There was complete bedlam this time, everyone clamoring about in pain, unable to see a damn thing. There were three people that were unaffected: Me, Taya, and the clan leader that was smart enough to cover his eyes when Taya did. I left him unpoked.

A few seconds after I stopped, the clan leader called out, “Calm down. I imagine what he did was not permanent. He has proven himself as good as I suspected. Are there any that still seek to deny him?” One of the naga raised an arm. “Speak, then. Do not move if you cannot see.”

The naga said, “The human does not know our ways, our customs. He admitted as much when he mentioned how he was taken advantage of.”

“Simple. The trainer that teaches him how to fight will also teach him our customs.”

The accuser crossed his arms. “And why can the human not remain in the caves until his training and education is complete?”

I spoke up, this time. “Because I have my own life to live, naga. I would be a member of the clan, yes, but that does not mean my entire life can be abandoned. If that is not acceptable to you, then that is too bad.”

The naga turned his head to the general location of the clan leader, who said, “What he says is true. He has offered to remain here for one week, should he be accepted.” This apparently satisfied the naga. Or at least, he shut up. “Now, are there any that wish to speak for his entry?” Four raised hands. The clan leader said, “Leftmost, speak.”

“I was in the raiding group as well. The human saved my life. His combat style is different, but not bad. He would be well suited as a scout, of which we do need more. I volunteer to teach him, if you have no others in mind.”

“You are the one I had in mind. Your offer is accepted. Rightmost, speak.”

“The human is famous. With him in the clan, we might draw more business and more fame to ourselves. That which was lost might be regained.”

There were scoffs. I had no idea what that meant. “Maybe,” the leader commented, stroking what would have been his beard if he had one. “You,” he said, pointing to one of the others, “speak.”

Apparently their vision was returning. I don’t know how he knew that. “He just subdued an entire room full of us.”

“Yes, he did,” the clan leader agreed. “The last, speak.”

“He has a very good reputation with more races than most of us have heard of. Should anything go wrong, he will be able to speak on our behalf.”

“An interesting point,” the leader said, nodding. “One I had not considered. True, though. Navarone, name the political leaders you know.”

“Chrysalis, Celestia, Luna, the king of the cats, Bloodbeak, and I met the dragon leader.”

He smiled. “Interesting.” He looked behind me to the naga. “Spread the word. The decision will be made in the main hall this time tomorrow. If anyone has any other points to add, they will come to me personally before that time.” He looked back down to me. “Are you interested in marriage proposals at all?” I quickly shook my head. He looked back up to the others. “He is not looking for a suitor.”

I heard someone mumble something along the lines of, “Not that any would want him.” No one commented.

The clan leader waited a moment for anyone else to speak. “You are all dismissed. Bring the human his weapons. Trainer, you may stay.”

The majority of the naga left the room, leaving Taya and I with the guy I saved all those years ago and the clan leader. “So, human, how did you do that thing with the light?” the saved guy asked.

“Human technology,” I answered. “It’s a chemical reaction between substances that creates light, a loud noise, and a small amount of heat. I only had one tool on me, though, so I can’t do it again.” In fact, that was probably my last flash bang. I would have to make more.

“Is there any chance you could arm the rest of us with them?” the clan leader asked.

I shook my head. “Not unless you know an extremely well-stocked chemist. Even then, without the proper tools, it takes me hours to make each one of those things and I still occasionally make a few of them incorrectly and have to start all the way over. Besides, they can’t be used on an open battlefield, because anyone that used them without warning everyone would blind his own side as well.”

“What about those… things on your face?” the leader asked. “Can we not give those to our fighters?”

I had forgotten about the goggles. I pulled them off. “It’s possible, but even with these, you’ll still get blinded if you aren’t expecting it. If you had been watching, you would have seen that I was looking away. The weapons were made for clearing out rooms. You toss one through a door, slam the door shut, it pops, and you rush inside while everyone is dazed. I wouldn’t want to try to use one on the open field.”

“Very well. Trainer, take Navarone and his spawn to your chambers. Tell him of the ceremony and what must be done before and after. I will have your weapons sent there, human.”

The naga turned to me. “Come, human.” Without waiting for an answer, he turned and slithered back out into the hall. Taya and I followed.

When we got into the hall, I said, “I advise you to rethink your decision to train me, my friend. I can’t stay in the caves. If you decide to take me on as a student, it will have to be in my home. I do not know if I can support you and your family while living in a pony town.”

“I thank you for your concern, but when we take the lifestyle of a warrior, we know that we might be called into battle for extended periods of time. We know that sometimes we will be away from home and our family for some time. I do not believe it will take me long to train you, probably less than a year. There are some things that you simply will not be able to do since you are not a naga, and that will save us some time. I will train you wherever the road takes us.”

“Won’t hear me complain,” I said with a shrug. “I’d rather have someone train me that cares about whether I live or die. And some friendly company in the house when Taya is not there will also be nice. I have to warn you, though: in the spring and summer I do not tire easily. I got cursed since the last time I was here.”

“That sounds like a blessing to me,” he answered. “To be able to move until your body can’t anymore seems like it would be excellent for those that share our lifestyles.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Then that is a curse. What keeps you occupied during the nights?”

“Writing, mostly. I come from a different world entirely, and this place has none of our books in it. I am slowly transcribing as many books as I can from my world into this one.”

“That is certainly one way to spend the time. I would go mad with that much time all to myself.”

“I don’t know how I haven’t…” I sighed. Sometimes I’m really grateful for Flo. Actually, usually I’m really grateful for her. I just wish she would tell me more often when I’m about to do something really stupid.

“Probably because you are very different from us naga. You have no place on a battle line. You have no place in a battle at all. You belong in the shadows. No, you are not like us at all. But it is good for anyone to learn how to fight, even if they do not think they will ever use what they learn.”

We were silent for some time, just traveling the halls. Finally, I asked, “What do most naga think of those like me?”

“They do not like your style at all. That said, most of them recognize that it is useful. I do not like it, but if it saved my life, then who am I to complain? It will feel good teaching you how real naga fight, though.”

“I imagine that it will be a long and painful process.”

“Well, painful for you. It might eventually become painful for me, once you start getting better and become able to hit me. Speaking of which, what weapon am I training you to use?”

“Sword. I have an axe, but why use a shitty regular weapon when I have one of the only enchanted weapons known to exist?” Discounting the fact that the axe is somehow lighter than it should be. “It’ll never break, never dull, and the slightest scratch will hit my opponent with a debilitating cold.”

“That is the kind of weapon I would like to own. Why is it that you always come here with such interesting things?”

I shrugged. “I’m an interesting person, I guess.”

He turned into a side room and we followed him. I remembered this place from before. He moved to the center of the room and did that weird corkscrew thing. “Make yourselves comfortable.” I sat on the floor, close to a wall. Taya sat against me. “Now, I have two questions for you before we begin. First, who is that?” he asked, pointing to Taya.

“My daughter,” I answered. “Her name is Taya.”

He tilted his head. “Is she mute?”

I looked down at her. She quietly answered, “No.”

The naga shrugged. “Silence is an endearing quality in a little one. My second question: Why do you not seek marriage?”

“My last—and only—experience with a naga soured my ability to have a relationship with one. And I have promised another that I would attempt to make something with her the next time we met. Also, no offense, but I’m not attracted to naga.” At all. I don’t know why, since I find Kumani so sexy. Probably because she has legs.

“It is probably for the best, all things told. I cannot imagine you getting many offers, as I doubt many of us are interested in you either.” He sighed. “And what was done to you… That is unheard of. Did she give you any indication of why she did it?”

I nodded. “She mentioned that she had a dominant side that she was able to use with me, because I was so easily overpowered and controlled.” I felt my wings sag and I looked away. “It was not my best moment.”

“Nor the best moment for the naga. It is shameful that something like that was ever allowed to happen to a guest, and it is even more shameful that it was a guest of mine. It seems I owe you yet again.”

I sighed. “That seems to happen a lot. Maybe one day, I will start cashing in these favors.” I’d rather have them in reserve, though. You never know. “But enough of this. What do I need to know for tomorrow?”

“It’s all very simple. You need to pick a clan name. Then we go to the big cavern. If you are inducted into the clan, there will be a short ceremony where you don’t have to do anything. You’ll tell everyone your clan name and you’ll finally be able to learn our names. Then you spend a while telling the historians your deeds of note, of which I’m sure there are many by now. And then I suppose we leave for your home.”

“Not quite. It will be a week or more before it is finished, I imagine. I’ll be here until then. Will I be given my own room? I do not wish to intrude on you and your family for longer than necessary, especially if you will be leaving them soon.”

He nodded. “You will be given your own chambers, if you are inducted into the clan. If you are not, you will continue to live here as my guest.”

“Alright. Can my clan name be Navarone?” He grinned and shook his head. I sighed and thought. “What about… Cain?” I would use my real name, but I was still holding that hostage.

“That is acceptable. Though from the smile I see, that name means something to you that it does not to me. Why Cain?”

“My people have many myths surrounding the man we know as Cain,” I answered. “He is often considered the first human to murder another human. Some believe that for his crime, he was cursed to live forever, a life apart from his own kind. From there, the myths start getting stranger, but that’s the basic story behind him.”

“And you would want the name of someone with such a dark past and such a dark curse?”

I shrugged. “If the shoe fits…”

“What is a shoe?”

I pulled one of my off and held it up. “One of these. We wear them to protect our sensitive feet from the hard ground. The phrase basically means, ‘If description fits, then you are the word.’ I have a dark past and I have a dark curse. The name Cain fits me now, so I will use it.”

“Very well. Cain it is, if you are made one of us. So, what have you been up to since last we spoke?”

I sighed internally and began the tales.

The next day, the naga guy led us—including his family of one wife, two sons, and a daughter—deep into the caves. Taya was impressed by the sapphire room and the main chamber when we finally got to it. There was already a crowd there when we arrived. Not an overly large one, but I suppose when an ape-thing is being made a clan member of a group of snake/fish things, at least a few people want to be there. Our naga led the way to the center, his family stopping at the edge of the crowd.

The naga clan leader and an elder were standing in the middle of the group. They both turned to me and the leader said, “Long story short, you’re in.” I like these guys. He turned to the elder. “Make it quick.”

The old guy sighed and muttered, “You youngsters these days…” He looked me up and down. “What’s your name?”

“Cain,” I answered.

“Cain, you’re now a member of our clan. Congratulations. Ceremony’s over.” Now I really like these guys.

The clan leader patted me on the back. “We will get you some new weapons, Cain. Surely anything we make will be better than the pony weapons you have.”

I shook my head. “This sword is unbreakable. I wouldn’t mind a few more daggers, though, just in case. The one I have has served me very well, and I would prefer to replace the others I use with more like it.” The curved and slightly jagged daggers the naga prefer are closer to short swords for me than actual daggers, but they get the job done well.

“You should still have a big weapon of our design, just for show. Come, let’s go to the armory.” With his hand still on my back, I don’t think I had much in the way of a choice. He led me and Taya away from the lake and into a passage I had never been down before. I was starting to think this place was actually carved instead of formed naturally.

It didn’t take us long to get to the armory. He stopped when we got inside. “Look around. I will admit that there are probably not many you can use, but you are welcome to take whatever you can.”

I looked around. Weapons of all kinds dotted the walls. I saw swords of all makes, shields, hammers, axes, spears, maces, whips, pole arms, daggers, hand-covers like steel knuckles, and a few things I didn’t even have names for. There were no ranged weapons.

I first went to the dagger table and took two evil looking daggers and their belts. I pulled the sheath off one of the belts and slid it onto the other. That done, I lazily looped the belt around my shoulder to be dealt with later.

I looked around the room again, taking in the weapons. I thought about my past and started giggling, thinking about something. I looked back to the pole arms and located a naginata. I reached up to take it from the wall. As soon as I tried picking it up, I realized how top-heavy it was and how I probably wasn’t strong enough to wield it.

With that option denied me, I took another look and saw a shaolin spade. Well, you never know when you might run into zombies. Then I actually thought about that. The shaolin part of the name implies a lot of training. Without knowing how to use it, I might as well just carry a shovel.

I took another look. Hammers are all too big and heavy. Spears are too long. Maces have the same problem as hammers. Already have an axe and a sword. The hand things are too big. I looked back at the shields. I grinned, a thought coming to me. I gripped one of the smaller ones, a curved buckler. For them, it was a buckler. For me, it covered a good part of my body and was quite heavy. I thought about it for a few seconds before shrugging and taking it. Anything that helps protect me and keep me alive is a good idea to have in my books. I figured I would be getting stronger while learning to use the sword anyway. If not, at least I could say I had a naga shield.

“So that’s what you want?” the leader asked. “Two daggers and a shield?”

I shrugged. “You told me to take a big weapon. You can hit people in the face with a shield, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s a weapon. Just about everything else here is too big for me or would take too much time to learn how to use. I’d rather keep it simple and use a sword or my crossbow.”

He looked at the sword on my back. “And you said it was unbreakable?”

“Yep.” He reached over my head and unsheathed it. He then slammed it against the wall, edge first. There was a horrifying screeching sound as the sword bit into the rock, forced in by his freakish strength. Taya and I flinched at it.

When the sword was in as far as it could go, the naga let go and looked at it in surprise. “By the waters…” He wrapped his hand around the hilt again and tugged. It didn’t budge. “Cain, back up.” I did so quickly, getting out of his way. He wrapped both hands around the hilt and pulled. I saw his muscles bulge and strain and with another horrifying screech, the sword yanked out, jerking him back on his tail and almost sending him to the floor. He looked it over as he straightened himself. “Not a single scratch…” He traced over it with a hand, trying to comprehend it. “How?” he asked, looking back at me.

I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. That sword is older than any civilization that’s alive today. No one knows how it works.” He shook his head, passing it back to me. I slid it back up.

“Come, then. I will show you where you two will be staying. The room has none of your above-ground comforts, I fear, but it is comfortable enough. Although it would be considerably more comfortable if you had a female to coil with.”

“I can imagine,” I drily commented. He just smiled and started slithering back to the main chamber. We passed it and started back on the path to the surface. “So what’s your name, anyway? I’m tired of thinking of you as the clan leader.”

“Rais. Your friend and trainer is called Ames. You will have to ask for more names as you meet others.”

“So what’s with not telling anyone outside of the clan your names anyway?”

He looked at me. “Names have power, Cain. Or at least, to the naga they do. They are something personal, something we share only among those of our own people. That way, they stay special to us. I don’t really know how better to explain it to an outsider. Either way, do not tell anyone else your clan name and do not use any of ours where anyone else could hear.”

I nodded. “Easy enough. What about naga outside of this clan?”

He looked forward again. “That is shady territory. If you feel comfortable with the naga in question, you are free to do so, though I doubt many would reciprocate. Assuming they believe that you actually are a part of a clan, of course.”

Silence returned before I broke it again with, “Celestia has been giving you—us, I suppose—jobs. What are they?”

“We were hired just last year to protect a wedding. We were hidden for some reason, out of sight of any of the ponies, but if anything were to have gone wrong, we would have burst from hiding. We’ve been hired to kill a few monsters that have been known to harass ponies. Nothing big, yet. I thought she had contracts of her own for you, though?”

“Something like that. I got turned into a knight. I was at the same wedding you were, and was the reason nothing went wrong. I led a raid that destroyed a mining colony full of dogs. I was part of a security detachment for an emissary to the griffins and stopped our ambassador from getting killed. It’s been a very busy year for me, all things told.” I wouldn’t mind a few long months of calm, too.

The ensuing silence lasted all the way to what was now apparently my home in the naga cave. “You have free run of the caves, Cain. I suggest not entering any rooms if you do not know who they belong to, however. Naga do not take kindly to thieves, and while you are a member of our clan, there are some that might suspect you just for the way you look.”

I nodded. “Fair enough. When do I need to meet the historian?”

“They will stop by shortly. Your trainer will come by as well, to begin telling you of us. I would not be surprised if he waited to begin your training until you return home. For now, I have to return to keeping the clan running. It might do us good if we send word around that we have a new member…”

I flinched at that. “Can you wait to send that word around until I leave? I don’t want Celestia to know where I am just yet.”

“Of course. Now, excuse me.” He left.

I looked down to Taya. “Well, now what?”

She looked around the dark, barren room. Her horn lit up and a small orb of light appeared. It flew to the center of the room and hung on the ceiling. “Magic time?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

That was a nice week. My ‘trainer’ assigned me exercises when he realized just how weak I was compared to him. I figured that it was about time I got into some kind of shape, and since I wasn’t able to get tired, I knew that I could just grind pushups or something until I wasn’t able to move my arms anymore and then do something else. I figured it would take me a month or so to get in a decent enough condition.

Anyway, I was in a pretty good mood when the three of us left the naga caves. I wasn’t looking forward to having to deal with the tongue lashing I was sure I was about to get from at least two princesses and who knows how many other ponies, but I knew what I was in for when I asked Chrysalis for help.

The train guys were very nervous when I came in with a naga, and they gave us an entire car to ourselves. I don’t know if that’s because the naga took up the entire car, or if they just didn’t want the other ponies to freak out about him.

“So tell me human, what is it like living in pony lands?” he asked me.

“It is mostly boring as hell. There are a few spots of activity, but for the most part, it’s just rest and relaxation.” For me, at least, since I’ve never had a job. “I would not be surprised if most of the ponies where we’re going are afraid of you at first. If you desire, I have a ring that will make you immune to magic so if any of the unicorns freak out, they won’t be able to hurt you.”

“No thank you. We are hardy; it’ll take more than a little magic to harm me. The one mare I fear, Twilight Sparkle, knows of us. I believe she will continue doing tests on me if she is given the chance, but I do not mind.” He pointed at my wings. “There are fliers there, yes?” I nodded. He sighed. “Well, I got used to you. If I am able to make a weapon like yours, I will get used to them quicker.”

I smiled at the idea of building a fucking ballista for this guy. “I might be able to help you with that. No promises.”

When we got to Ponyville, we wasted no time getting out of town. The three of us were given looks from everyone on the streets. I’m lucky that Twilight wasn’t out and about, because I would have been hard-pressed to get around her.

As it was, Rainbow Dash was very quick to land next to us right after we got away from the last buildings on the edge of town. “Nav, where have you been? Everypony’s been looking for you!”

“I’ve been with the naga, if that wasn’t obvious,” I answered. “What’s going on?”

“The princesses are in a rage, bro. They are not happy at all about something, and I’m pretty sure that something has to do with you. And Twilight really wants to talk to you. You should probably go see her before you go wherever you’re going.”

“No can do, Dash,” I answered. “I need to check out my new house.”

“…Your new what?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t seen it? I figured Chrysalis would have made it rather noticeable.”

“Chrysalis?! What does she have to do with anything?”

“Why, she’s the one I asked to build my house! You’ve never seen changeling architecture, so I doubt you’d understand.”

She just sighed. “This I gotta see…” She noticed the naga giving her funny looks. “So you’re a naga, huh? You don’t look so tough to me!”

He reached out a hand that was about as large as her head and gently patted the top of her mane. “It is cute that you think that, tiny pony. I could rip off your wings with a flick of my wrists.”

“Only if you can catch me! I can move so fast I make ponies go through puberty!”

The naga blinked several times, unsure of just what she meant. Eventually he shrugged. “Pony humor is beyond me, it seems. Human, where is this home of yours? I thought it was near the town.”

“It’s… supposed to be,” I said, looking around the edge of the Everfree. “I don’t know where the hell it is…”

“Looks like your good pal Chrysalis left you hanging,” Rainbow commented smugly.

“Actually,” a voice in thin air said, “I did not.” With that, a large wall appeared right in front of us, with a manor rising above and behind it. Chrysalis was standing on top of the wall, smirking. “Welcome home, Navarone. Open the gates!”

Rainbow Dash was just gaping as the gates quickly pulled up. I crossed my arms as the portcullises rose. “I don’t recall asking for gates,” I commented.

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “And how else did you expect to get over the walls? Come in, come in.” We walked on in. She fluttered down to us. “Now I imagine you’re wondering how one pony—or person—is supposed to open these gates. Your electricity solved that for us, Navarone. Doppel has the code memorized. You can get it from her later. Now come, let me give you the tour.”

“How… how did you hide this?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Magic, of course,” she answered. “When Navarone asked me to help him, I knew immediately that Celestia would not be pleased with me answering yes. So I did not give her the option of denying me.” Rainbow blinked a few times at that. “Now, on with the tour. As you mentioned, Nav, you wanted a fortress. Sadly there is little we could do to protect you from fliers without putting you underground, but you should be protected from all of the normal plebeians that would seek entrance. However, the manor itself is a fortress. The windows are a special kind of crystal, nearly indestructible. The outer walls are a mix of olivine and some random black stone we just threw together.” That translated to green and black, which I’m sure would piss Celestia and Luna both off. “It would take some powerful magic to put a scratch in this place. The doors are wood, but can be barred with steel shutters.”

“…So how the hell did you do this in a week?” I asked, honestly awed.

“Navarone, you should know this by now. When changelings set out to do a task, we complete the task. Now come inside.” We moved further in, the naga nodding at the obvious strength of the fastness. I saw that there were murder holes on either side of the door, and what looked like a narrow hatch on the top where presumably boiling pitch could be dropped.

When I got inside and we passed the short entrance hall, I stopped. What greeted my vision was honestly a little confusing and a little awesome. I’ll start with the awesome part first: a fully decked out living room. There was no TV, but there was a fireplace, several couches, a few armchairs, and some nice end tables. Most of the furniture had Chrysalis’s color scheme, which was okay.

The confusing part was Doppel in a French maid outfit. Or at least, I assumed it was Doppel. The way she was glaring at me, it was a safe assumption. “Welcome home, master,” she forced through clenched teeth.

I blinked a few times. “Nope, not happening,” I finally said. “Take that shit off and get out. I’m not going to have someone working for me that hates it.”

She sagged with relief before Chrysalis ahemmed. “Doppel is working off a punishment, Navarone. I decided that this would be a fitting place for her. She is here to stay. I figured you would like the outfit, seeing as how it was in your bag when we claimed your items.”

I crossed my arms. “I’m allowed to keep souvenirs from jobs I do.”

Rainbow wasn’t buying it. She was cracking up. “YOUhad a Prench maid outfit? For a job from the princess?” She burst out laughing.

I looked over at Doppel and lightly jerked my head at Rainbow. She smirked and morphed into her and turned around. “I don’t know, Dashie. I think you look better in it.” Doppel pulled a duster out from somewhere and bent over to clean something low, giving us a very interesting view before a very red-faced Rainbow Dash blocked us from it.

“That’s not funny!” she cried, trying to make sure none of us could see.

The rest of us disagreed with her, and were trying not to laugh. Well, Chrysalis wasn’t trying. She was chuckling her adorable little chuckle.

And since Rainbow was facing us, she didn’t see Doppel turning around and reaching up to pull her down. The real Rainbow ended up on the floor, held down by the fake one that was looking at the even more red-faced real one with half-lidded eyes.

“Don’t you think I look sexy?” Doppel asked before licking Rainbow lightly on the nose.

“I-I-IHAVETOGO!” With that, Dash somehow burst out from under Doppel and left a rainbow streak as she fled the house as quickly as she could.

And with that, laughter followed. When we calmed down, I said, “Seriously though, get rid of that terrible outfit. I don’t know why I kept the damn thing.”

Chrysalis said, “Doppel, if I hear that you are not wearing that outfit while on duty, I will increase the duration of your punishment.” We both sighed at that. “Now come, there is more to show.”

I shook my head. “We don’t have much time. If I had to estimate, I would give us at most fifteen minutes before Celestia gets here. How about you show us the highlights?”

“Hm. Fine, Doppel can give you a more complete tour later. Come, let me show you the cellar.” I had no idea why she wanted to show us that, but we followed her. She led us down a set of stairs. When we got to the bottom, I realized why she brought us down here. “And here is the source of the power. We found a large aquifer here and knew we could use that to power your home. Admittedly, we do not know how well it will work for extended periods of time. This is, quite honestly, a test. We may come by periodically to improve it, and if it ever breaks down, you know how to contact us. However, this is not all that there is down here.” She led us further into the cellar, past the whirring machines and to a door. She pushed it open. “Above ground pools are not fun to clean. Underground pools are much nicer.” And this one was definitely that. I had no idea how deep it was, but the water was perfectly clear. I could see all the way down to the bottom, where there were lights pointed up. “The water will be cool, as it is fed from the aquifer, but you can deal with that yourselves. I believe this should be good for you, naga.”

He looked at it for a moment before slithering to the edge. He reached a hand down and scooped some water out. He shrugged and slipped in, swimming all the way to the bottom in a disturbingly quick fashion. He was back up in less than a minute. “Ten meters, at the deepest. It is good.”

Chrysalis nodded. “Good. Now, those are the only things I really wanted to show you myself. Now come, let us greet miss spoilsport when she comes to steal you away.” She led the way back up the staircase. “There are many nooks and crannies that Doppel will have to show you personally. How do you feel about it?”

“You and the changelings have outdone yourselves as usual,” I answered, looking around the living room again. “Thank you, Chrysalis. The only way it would be better is if you weren’t going to have Doppel report everything I did to you.”

She shrugged. “Everyone has to make some sacrifices, Nav.”

There was a knock on the door. I went to answer it, but Doppel somehow materialized out of nowhere and beat me to it. She opened it to reveal Pinkie, who wasted no time letting herself right in. “Ooooh! This is gonna be great for a new house warming party!”

Everyone was too busy staring at her to notice Celestia walk in behind her. “There will be time for parties later,” she said. “Navarone, why is there a fortress on the edge of the Everfree, and why does it have changeling colors?”

We all turned to face her, except for Pinkie who was busy Pinkie-ing about my house. I grinned. “Twilight told me to remove myself from her property and I figured my welcome finally ran out. I asked the only race that has been nothing but good to me for a home. They delivered. Welcome to my abode, Celestia.”

I think I actually surprised her with that. She recovered quickly, and gave Chrysalis a short glare that promised words later. She quickly transferred a more neutral stare to me. “Navarone, we have things to discuss. Many things. You need to come with me to Canterlot right away. Alone.”

“I don’t know…” I said, leaning back a little. “I’ve been living in a cave for the past week. I wouldn’t mind sharing some good company in a warm home. I don’t know if I’ll find much of that in Canterlot.”

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Navarone. You are wearing your ring, but do not ever think you would win against me in a fair fight. I can remove that ring with my teeth if I have to.”

The naga clenched his hands into fists and glared at her. “You threaten a member of my clan?”

And Celestia got to be surprised yet again. “A member of your… Navarone, just what have you been doing this week?”

I shrugged. “A little of this, a little of that. Joined a tribe of naga, got a trainer to teach me how to stick the pointy end of a sword into the enemy, and obtained a very nice fallback home. You know, the usual.”

She closed her eyes and I swear I saw her lips count down from ten. When she finished she opened them again. “Are you coming with me or not?”

I nodded. “I will.” I turned to Chrysalis. “In case I don’t see you when I return, it was a pleasure.” I wrapped her in a hug before she could react. Her cool and unyielding carapace wasn’t very huggable, but her hair was nice and soft. I let her lightly blushing form go and turned back to the others. “Taya, naga, I should be back shortly. We can begin my training then. Doppel… do whatever servants usually do, I guess. Pinkie, get the fuck out of my house.”

I had no idea where in my house she was, but I heard her saying “Awwww” somewhere. That done, I took my ring off and disappeared before I even had the chance to put it away.

Celestia’s magic forced me into a seat. I found myself unable to move. “Navarone, how dare you let that wretch build a fortress in my country?”

“It is my house and my fortress. She built it and gave me a servant. That is the end of that.”

“If I see any evidence at all that she is using it for anything at all, I will erase it from the face of the planet. I might not give you a warning first. I can’t believe you would insult both me and my sister by going to her for this in the first place, but you did. I will not deny that we deserve it.” She sighed and walked over to her couch, releasing me from the magic that was holding me. I slipped the ring on. “Twilight told me what she did. She realized her error less than an hour after she committed the offense. I don’t know how you could have possibly put your plan into action that quickly, but I commend you for it. Do you know how much the ley line companies charged to get power out there?”

I grinned. “I’m not powering my house with magic.”

She blinked a few times before realization struck her. “Impossible. There is no way she could have progressed her technology that quickly. She would have had to…” She stopped before letting her head fall. “Oh dear Solaire…” She sighed. “We can catch up. We have to.”

“You ain’t doing it with plans from my house. I catch ponies trespassing on my property, I’ll beat the shit out of them and throw them over the wall. Into the forest.”

She narrowed her eyes slightly, but didn’t comment. “Now, we need to talk about the griffins.” I sighed. “Yes, they were not pleased at all. A day after you left, their ambassador delivered a very long and rather mean-spirited letter to me. Less than a week later, the king himself arrived with a few retainers. After a long talk and some negotiations, we talked him down from his original demands.”

“Well, that’s good. What did he want?”

“We’ll talk about that in a second. First, I want you to remember this moment. Just close your eyes and sit here in silence for a little while.”

I raised an eyebrow, but did as she asked. It felt nice to just sit there quietly, focusing on breathing in and out.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Celestia was just looking at me with what I might call a pitying expression. “Are you ready?”

“No.”

“That’s a shame. Now, let me go get your fiancée.”

“I’m sorry, my what?”

Chapter Sixty-Five—Building blocks of a home

Chapter Sixty-Five—Building blocks of a home

I have to say, I was most definitely not expecting that one. That was the first thing that came to mind.

She sighed. “Yes, Navarone. Your fiancée. The king was very adamant that you get married right away, but as I said, we talked him down. He does not want an incident like this to happen again, and he believes that a tie between our ponies—and his griffins, of course—would help prevent it. He demanded that since you were the one to commit the deed, that you be the one that got married.”

“And it can’t be Luna?”

“I am not going to take her from the moon and give her to a griffin husband, Navarone.”

“Yeah, and I ain’t getting hitched to no damn griffin! I’d sooner flee the damn country!”

“Navarone, your window of opportunity for fleeing the country ended a few days ago. Now, are you going to let me explain how I am going to get you out of this, or are you going to keep whining?”

I calmed down. A little. “Why didn’t you say you had a plan already? Lay it on me.”

She nodded. “We could not deny Bloodbeak the engagement. Luna and I both tried as hard as we could and brought up precedent after precedent, but he refused to listen. As soon as we realized we could talk him down no further than engagement, we had our law ponies look up the griffin engagement laws. Normally, such engagements are easy to break. However, political engagements are much harder. One party or the other has to be found unsuitable as a mate for that to happen. The easiest way to be found unsuitable is to not own any property at the time of the engagement.”

I dropped my face into my hands.

“Quite,” she continued. “Since that option is now denied to us, we must turn to other avenues. Should you be deemed weak or unable to provide for the mate, you can be declared unsuitable.”

“Shit, that’s easy. I’m weaker than griffins.”

She shook her head. “The king knew you would say that. He mentioned how easily you apparently beat Hestra, the griffin you apprehended. That can be seen as proof of your strength.”

“But they’re stronger than me! That was just the armor and the element of surprise.”

“He won’t buy it. And you can’t be deemed unable to provide for her, because I imagine the naga is technically your retainer since you are a knight, and he will have to hunt to feed himself. The spare meat he does not use can be used to feed the griffin.”

“Then there better be more damn ways to break the engagement.”

“There is a Poneo and Pirouette Clause, surprisingly. If either party had a previous love interest in another pony, the engagement could be broken after a period of a year.” I sagged in relief, but she wasn’t finished. “IF… the romantic interest is still there. And the party that is ‘in love’ must stay together for another year before the engagement can be fully destroyed.”

I grinned wide. “Thank God. Kumani, you crazy dragon, you saved my ass again!”

She blinked. “Kumani? The dragon you slept with? What does she have to do with being in love with Luna?”

I snorted. “Fuck that crazy bitch. I ain’t dating no one that stabbed me in the fucking chest with a horn. I promised Kumani we’d see where things took us when we met again next year. Shouldn’t be that hard to get her to stick with me for a year.”

And it looks like I managed to surprise Celestia yet again. I think three times in one day is a new record for me. “Well. I never expected somepony to ever outmaneuver three long-term monarchs completely by accident. You win this round, Navarone. Now, wait here. I will go and get your griffin fiancée. Try to be civil. She didn’t seem that thrilled either.”

“Celestia, when am I ever anything other than the very image of a gentleman?” She just rolled her eyes and left the room.

I sighed and settled into the chair, dreading the meeting to come.

And when the griffin finally showed up, I couldn’t even pretend I was surprised. “Hello, Gilda.”

She did not look amused. “You! This is all your fault!”

I sighed and stood, walking over to the window. “In a way, I suppose it is,” I answered, pushing the window open and leaning back, letting my wings get some air. “However, it is not solely my fault. And,” I said, holding up a hand, “we have a way out.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Not we. I have a way out. No fiancé, no marriage.”

I had my sword up and out before she finished her pounce. I couldn’t use it, but she didn’t know that. “I suggest you calm down. My method does not involve the king getting angry that his original choice for a bride was killed by my hand. Do you want to listen, or do I have to pummel you into submission first?”

She was eyeing the blade warily. She took a moment before looking back up to me. “I’m listening.”

“Good. There is a clause in griffin law that allows a political engagement to dissolve if one of the lovers has another they would prefer to be with, and there was proof that there was a pre-existing relationship.”

“So? I haven’t been in a relationship in years.”

“I have, and I believe I can use that to get us out. There is a downside, though. The engagement has to last a year before it can be dissolved. So you feel free to go and do whatever the fuck you want to do. Just show up back in Ponyville in eleven months so we can make plans to get this damn thing dissolved when I meet with Kumani again.”

She grimaced. “It isn’t as easy as that. We have to share a home, at the very least. Sharing a bed is usually considered optional.”

I sighed, looking at the ceiling and just asking myself where things went so wrong. I was afraid to answer that and looked back at her a moment later, sheathing my sword. “Fine. My house is huge and it would be lonely anyway. It’s right on the edge of the Everfree. I’m okay with an open engagement if you are.”

“…Open engagement?”

“No rules about sex. We can fuck whoever we want. Back in my world, there was a such thing as an open relationship wherein couples would freely bang whoever they wanted to. It was an uncommon thing, but it happened. That is what I want to do. Actually… Fuck it, that’s what I’m going to do. Call it cheating if you want, I don’t care.”

“Wish I was born a human,” she muttered. “Alright, fine. That goes for me too, right?”

I shrugged. “Do what you want. As far as I’m concerned, we’re roommates, nothing more. And I would prefer that no one learn of this, if possible.”

“No feathers off my back. I don’t want it known I was forced to get engaged to a freak.”

“Ouch, my feelings. Why you, anyway? I thought you were just a noble’s daughter. I figured the king would try to use his blood to tie me.”

“I am his blood. I’m just a cousin, though. I’d never met the guy until he showed up at my dad’s place a week ago. Next thing I know, I’m getting dragged out of a tavern by royal guards and told I’m going to marry an Equestrian knight.” She grinned. “They had to pay a unicorn to heal me and several guards in the first pony town we passed through.”

Note to self: Don’t make Gilda get violent. “So are you sure you can live next to Ponyville for a year and be able to deal with the ponies? A lot of work went into that house and I’m not abandoning it just yet.”

“I’ll be fine, Nav. As long as I can take the occasional break from dealing with some of the more annoying ones, there should be no problem.” There better not be any fucking problems.

“Alright, good enough for me. You got any questions for me, while we’re trapped in here?”

“You aren’t going to try to pamper me, are you?” she asked after a moment.

“Why the fuck would I do that? You don’t pamper roommates, you tolerate them.”

She let out a breath of air. “Good. The king and my dad forced me to sit back and get… ugh, beautified when we got here.”

I actually took a second to look at her. The natural purple feathers under her eyes were accentuated with some kind of makeup. Her beak was much shinier than usual and her talons seemed sharper somehow. Her feathers looked a lot fluffier and shinier. Her cat parts were well groomed. The tuft of fur at the end of her tail was somehow pushed into a ball.

I felt myself slowly smirk as I saw all of those. She saw that and narrowed her eyes. “You see something funny?” she asked, her voice sharp.

“Nope, not a thing,” I answered, trying and failing to not giggle.

“Are you laughing at me?” It sounded more like a threat than a question.

“No, no, of course not, dear. I just remembered an old joke, is all. A joke about puffy tails.”

“That’s it!” Before I could react, she had pounced on me, knocking us both through the open window and into the garden. She had one of her talons raised to strike when it was stopped by a light blue aura. We both looked up, her glaring and me ready to thank someone. I saw an upside down Cadance staring at us.

“Nav, why is this griffin attacking you?”

Gilda snarled, “Because he’s acting like a jerk!”

Cadance’s horn glowed brighter and Gilda was pulled off me. I rolled over and Cadance stopped being upside down. “There are two sides to every story,” she answered. “Nav?”

“Cadance, meet Gilda. My new fiancée.” She blinked a few times, her gaze shifting between us a few times.

“I’m sorry, your what?”

“That was my exact reaction,” I answered, sitting up. “Blame politics. Long story short, we’re breaking the engagement as soon as we can.”

She was silent for a while. I almost thought she didn’t hear me. Finally, she said, “Who is forcing you two to be engaged?”

“Bloodbeak,” Gilda answered. “Nav here did something to piss him off and I’m getting punished for it.”

“You? I’m the one that’s getting saddled with a griffin that’s like as not to cut me to ribbons just because I said the wrong thing!”

Cadance interrupted us. “And if I have my way, this travesty will not happen at all. Marriage and engagements are supposed to signify love, not political contrivances! This cannot stand! Where is Celestia? She will help me convince Bloodbeak not to do this.”

Gilda and I shared a look that culminated in rolled eyes for the both of us. I looked back to Cadance. “You’re welcome to try, but that’s not how politics work. I don’t know where Celestia is, but if you can break this engagement, I’ll reconsider that threesome you asked for.”

She blushed very deeply at that. “That’s… not necessary. I took your advice to heart. It took some convincing, but I got him to try it and he loves it.”

“Not a mental image I needed in my mind, thanks,” I sighed. “But sure, go talk to Celestia if you can find her.” She nodded and walked off with a determined gait. When she was back in the palace proper, I turned to Gilda. “Sorry for laughing. Even you have to admit that your tail looks fucking silly as hell, though. I couldn’t help it.”

She lifted it up to her face and grimaced. “This is supposed to be a serious symbol of beauty among griffins. It is not supposed to be silly.” I reached out to squeeze it, but she jerked it back. “Don’t you dare!”

I yanked my hand back. “Fine, whatever. Don’t see what the big deal is, but whatever.”

She sighed and let it fall to the ground. “I forgot you don’t know much about us griffins. Our tails are considered private, something we only let our most trusted friends or lovers toy with.”

“Then yeah, I won’t fuck with it. Anything else I should avoid touching?”

She gave me a deadpan stare. “Only the obvious.”

“Hey, I’m just checking. Only rule I have is don’t fuck with my wings unless you’re interested in going all the way. So can we leave whenever we want?”

And now she’s looking away. That inspires confidence. “Not… quite. My parents want to meet you.”

I sighed. “I knew I should have brought my armor… Where are they?”

“Being lazy in their rooms, probably. There’s a reason I don’t spend much time at home.”

“Well, let’s get this thing over with. If I piss your dad off, he won’t try to attack me, right?”

She didn’t answer, just started walking the way Cadance went. I sighed and followed.

A few minutes later, we ended up in a part of the palace I don’t think I had ever been to before. I assumed it was the griffin guest quarters. She stopped in front of one room. “Before you meet him, I have to warn you… He doesn’t much like girls.”

I shrugged. “As long as he isn’t an asshole, I don’t care. I meet him once, he goes back to griffinland, I never see him again. Simple.”

“Right. Simple,” she muttered, pushing the door open. I followed her in. There were two older looking griffins chilling on couches, looking too comfortable. “Dad, mom, this is Navarone.”

I nodded at them. “Hi.”

The male sat up, looking at me. “So you’re the thing I sold my daughter to.” This isn’t going to end well.

“I’m the human, yes.”

“Well, you better treat her right. If she comes running back to me, the king is going to be rather displeased.”

I grinned. “Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. We’re going to be breaking the engagement as quickly as we can.”

He jumped up, rage in his eyes. “What?!”

I crossed my arms. “To my people, what you have done is one of the greatest evils. Selling your daughter to a man she doesn’t love… Well, let’s just say it’s good you aren’t in my world. Just because we aren’t, though, does not mean I have to put up with it. I don’t love Gilda and I will not be forced to marry her, nor will I force her to marry me. I’ll accept the engagement because I have no choice, but you might as well get ready for the king’s anger, because this marriage won’t be happening.”

He jumped across the room and grabbed the front of my shirt with his talons, bringing my face close to his. “Listen here you hairless ape, you’re going to marry my daughter and you’re going to be happy about it! And when I demand your help with something, you will come to me as a son-in-law should!”

I narrowed my eyes. “I appreciate that you’re Gilda’s dad and an old man besides, but if you don’t take your goddamn talons off me, I will break you in half.”

He released me, backing away and quivering in anger. “Bah! Take my useless daughter, then. At least I’ll be rid of her for a year! She’s your problem until then, ape.”

“And the only reason she would even be considered problematic is because of her failure of a father. Come, Gilda. I don’t want to look at this filth anymore.”

I turned and saw that she had a very shocked look on her face. She quickly recovered and followed me as we left their room. She pulled the door shut and just stood there, looking at me.

“What?” I asked, after a moment.

“I’ve never seen anypony stand up to my father like that.”

I snorted as I started walking down the hall. “No one badmouths me or my friends.” After a moment, she started following me.

“But… he’s an old war hero. They say he’s killed hundreds of changelings!”

“Who says that? Him, or someone else?”

She was silent. “I… I think I’ve only ever heard him say it.”

I nodded. “Yep. That’s how men like him keep power. They lie about things they’ve done to impress and cow others. Stand up to them and they usually buckle. And since he’s related to the king, most people wouldn’t dare stand up to him anyway.” I shrugged. “I fear no Gods or kings, only man.” Well, I’m sometimes afraid of Celestia and Luna, but not because they’re princesses. “Now, can we leave this damn palace? I fucking hate Canterlot these days.”

“You don’t want to see if that taffy pony can help us?”

“…Taffy pony?”

“Yeah, that pink pony that said she would talk to the princess.”

“And you don’t even know her name?”

She shrugged. “If I had to guess, I’d say she looks like a Mary Sue. I don’t think that name is common with ponies, though.”

“Nah, her name’s Cadance. She’s pretty chill, if a bit stuffy at times. But I don’t think she’ll be able to help us. I’m pretty sure we’re stuck. We can certainly stick around if you want, but it’s probably best we get the hell out of this place before night falls.”

She looked over at me. “What happens at night?”

“The chances of us running into someone that will be very angry increase. Long story short, we don’t want to talk to Luna right now. In fact, I suggest you avoid her for as long as you can.”

“Why would she be—” She stopped. I looked at her to see she was even more surprised now. “Nav, are you shagging the princess?”

“Princesses, actually. Now come on, let’s find a balcony or something so we can fly back.”

She now had a reason to be in as much of a hurry as I did. She caught up to me and we walked until we found a window large enough for both of us to be able to fit through. After a moment taken to defenestrate ourselves, we flew off towards Ponyville.

We got back to my new pad just before sunset. “When was this place built?” she asked, looking at the walls that rose up around us.

“A few days ago. If I had known I was about to get engaged and we could have broken the engagement by me not owning property, I wouldn’t have had it built. Now come on, I still haven’t explored the entire place yet.”

I walked up to the doors and pushed them open. I saw two Pinkies grinning at me. I reached in and pulled the doors shut. That done, I leaned against the wall and slid down, thanking Chrysalis for having the stone smoothed down so it didn’t scratch my wings.

“What’s wrong?” Gilda asked.

“Look for yourself,” I sighed, gesturing weakly at the door.

She walked over and opened them. She closed them just as quickly as I did and joined me in sitting against the wall.

“And you wanna know the worst part?” I asked. She grunted. “There’s a party’s worth of ponies in there, just waiting for us to step inside.”

She jerked her head toward me. “What’s she celebrating? Does she… she couldn’t possibly know about… us.”

“This is a house-warming party. As long as she doesn’t find out about us, it’ll stay that way. I could see her turning it into a double party or something stupid like that.” I sighed, pushing myself to my feet. “We gotta get this over with eventually. Pinkie doesn’t need food or sleep when she’s in party mode, so she can stand there forever.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to test that before we give in?”

“Trust me, I’ve tested that extensively. Pinkie’s gonna Pinkie, like it or not.” I pushed the door open and walked in. “Doppel, I swear to God if you don’t turn back, Imma slap a bitch.”

Half of the Pinkies giggled. The other half didn’t move at all. “Silly Nav,” the moving Pinkie said. “That’s not Doppel!” She reached out and pushed the other Pinkie over, revealing that it was just a cardboard cutout. “Doppel’s tied up in the kitchen. She wouldn’t let me party, so I had to take care of her.”

My eyes widened and I quickly ran in the direction of what I was hoping was the kitchen. I think we passed it on the way to the cellar, but I was paying more attention to Chrysalis’s ass than I was to the house.

I burst into the right room to find Pinkie standing there. Someone flipped a light switch on and everyone shouted “Surprise!”

I blinked a few times, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Pinkie didn’t give me the time to figure it out and jumped up to me. “Did I get you? You’re usually soooo hard to surprise, so me and Doppel had to work extra hard!”

“Don’t pull that shit again,” I said by way of answer. “Now if we’re absolutely going to party, let’s move it out of the kitchen.”

There was a collective sigh of relief from the large group of ponies that had been crammed into my kitchen. I don’t know if that relief was from being able to get into a bigger area or if it was because I didn’t flip out. I realized during the Flankfurt thing that getting angry at Pinkie solves nothing. Flo wants it known that she told me so.

When I got back to the living room, I saw a nervous looking Pinkie staring at a confused looking Gilda. “So you’re not twins?” Gilda asked, looking at the Pinkie that just walked in with me.

“Nope!” the real Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up to the fake Pinkie and wrapping an arm around her. “Doppel here’s a changeling!”

Gilda’s eyes narrowed. Doppel gulped. Oh shit, I didn’t even think about that. Griffins hate changelings, and I’m pretty sure the feeling was returned.

I stepped up. “We will deal with this later, Gilda,” I said. “Doppel, turn back.” She did so after a moment of hesitation. “My employees will have nothing to fear from my guests. Now, this is supposed to be a happy time, or something silly like that. Pinkie, you have free reign as long as you don’t break anything. Get everyone out by midnight. I have things to do, but I will attempt to join you all before you’re gone.”

She tried giving me the sad eyes, but I was immune to that by now. I looked to Doppel. “Show me where my room is.”

She extricated herself from Pinkie’s grasp and quickly walked to the stairs. I followed her up. I think Gilda tried to follow me, but was stopped by Pinkie. “Oooh, what did you do with your tail?” I heard Pinkie asking, making Gilda groan.

“So where’s your maid outfit, again?” I asked when we were on the second floor. She looked back and glared at me. I grinned back. She huffed and continued up the stairs, onto what was apparently the third floor. “Jesus, how big is this place?”

“There are four floors, three above ground and one underground.”

“Cool. I can get a full tour later. I’d prefer to get everything I need to do over with soon.” She led me to a room and pushed the door open. The bed was pretty massive, and had the changeling colors on it. I’ll be changing that. I stepped in and removed my weapons and set them on the bed. “Do I have an office or something?” I asked as I looked through chests and the closet and the bathroom.

“Yeah. It’s right next door, to the left.”

“Awesome.” I sat on the bed and looked at her. “Now, is Gilda going to be a problem with you? I can’t make either of you leave, so if she is going to be a problem, we need to get that sorted as quickly as possible.”

She sighed and looked down. “For the most part, changelings don’t hold personal grudges. I will be able to tolerate her as long as she is able to return the favor.”

“I’ll talk to her, then. And I suppose I’ll have to explain to everyone that’s living here what’s going on with that situation. That can come later, though. Do you think you can bring Twilight up to my office? I think she wanted to talk to me, and I’d rather do it there than at the party.”

She rolled her eyes. “Nav, I’m your slave. You don’t ask me to do things, you tell me to do them.”

“I am going to tell you this once: I do not own slaves. I have friends. As far as I’m concerned, you live here and keep up the place as payment for being allowed to stay. If you don’t like that idea, then I’ll call you an employee and pay you. Either way, I will never let the title of slave owner be attached to my name. Now, are you going to get Twilight or not?”

She looked a little bit less depressed, at least. She went to go get Twilight. I stretched my wings before walking next door to my office. There was a very nice stone desk with a comfortable looking swivel chair behind it. A large window behind the desk gave a nice if distant view of Ponyville. An empty bookcase hid one wall and there was a closet on the other side. There was nothing else in the room. “Why do I even have an office? When am I ever going to use this?” I shrugged and sat in the chair. I quickly found out that it was able to lean back.

Twilight showed up to me juggling daggers, just to see if I could. She made a horrified sound and pulled them all away from me. “Hey, I was juggling those!”

“You’re going to hurt yourself!”

“I have to learn somehow. If I hurt myself, well, maybe that’ll teach me a lesson. Now, come in. I heard you wanted to talk.”

She sighed and set the daggers on the desk before pulling the door closed behind her. “This is a pretty nice house, Nav,” she said, walking up to the desk and looking around. “But it doesn’t really feel… homey.”

“I would imagine not. I’ve spent less than half an hour in it so far. I haven’t had a chance to explore most of it or set anything up. I imagine it’ll feel better soon enough.”

She sighed yet again. “Nav, the library feels so empty now. I know we haven’t exactly been getting along these past few months, but it feels wrong without you there.”

I leaned back in my chair. “Twilight, can you keep a secret?”

“I… I can try.”

I shook my head. “No, there is no try here. Either you tell me you can and you do or you tell me you can’t and I don’t tell you.”

She looked determined, at that. “I can,” she answered, nodding.

“I’m leaving in a year. There’s a good chance I won’t be coming back.” Her eyes widened. “I want to give you and a few others the feeling of me not being around that much, so it won’t be as much of a blow when I’m not around at all. Needless to say, this is a secret that you will keep to yourself. I’ll give you the same deal I gave Celestia and your brother: If I hear anyone knows about this, I will be gone the next day and the chances of me coming back decrease.”

“But… why?”

I leaned forward again. “Because there is no justice in this world for me. I was raped by two of the so-called elements of harmony and because they’re important, nothing will be done. I was raped by Luna, but because she’s the princess, she walks free. And as it turns out, Luna made everyone dream about me on purpose. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is, Twilight? Can you even imagine it? And she will never be punished. My reputation in Equestria is fucking tanked. Most of the mares in Canterlot think I’m nothing but a slut because my mind had all those spells on it at the wedding last year. Everyone, mares and stallions, dreamed about fucking me. And there is nothing at all I can do about it. Would you continue living here if you had to look forward to dealing with that? Fuck. That. Shit. The question isn’t why I’m leaving, it’s why I haven’t left sooner.”

She looked away somewhere near the start of that. When I finished, her ears were drooping low and her head was almost on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Nav…”

“I didn’t tell you this because I wanted pity, Twilight. I told you so you would understand my request. I am not leaving Taya here when I leave. But I do not know if I will be going anywhere dangerous. I want her to know how to protect herself. I don’t want her to know how to fight, though. I will not have her memories be of fighting and killing if we ever find a place to settle. I won’t always be around to protect her and I will not have something happen because I wasn’t able to get there in time. Can you do that?”

She looked a little less down now that I had given her something to help me with. “Shining Armor always was better at shields than me… But I can teach Taya enough so that she’ll be fine. She’s already frighteningly strong, but she still has some control issues. Are… are you sure you want to bring her?”

“I don’t want to, but I know she would find a way to follow me anyway. And I’m not going to abandon her again. So I’ll take her with me and make sure she stays out of as much of the action as possible, if there ever is any fighting.” Besides, if I leave her here, that just means Celestia and Luna will eventually try to use her to make me come back. “Now, enough of me. Has anything important happened while I was gone?”

“Well… Rarity and Pinkie have both been really down about something, but neither will tell me what.” Three guesses as to what that is, and the first two don’t count. “I think Applejack wanted to talk to you. Something about the timberwolves. When I told her that you said they were intelligent, she mentioned something about her zap apples. And I’m sure Rainbow Dash is going to be interested in having Gilda back in town, though I have to admit to being curious as to why she’s here…”

So Applejack wanted to talk. Of Twilight’s main group of friends, I probably did the least amount of stuff with her. Oddly enough, she’s also the one that’s mistreated me the least. Maybe I should spend more time with her. “I can stop by the farm sometime soon, then. Hopefully I’ll have plenty of free time. Oh, and another thing: I have a naga living here now if you want to ask him questions. He might be willing to answer. I also have a changeling maid, if you want to ask her anything.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that… Why did you go to Chrysalis for your house?”

“Because I knew she would help me and she would get it to me for cheap. As it turned out, it was free. That means I have more money to save for when I leave. Which reminds me, I need to have my house inspected.”

She waved a hoof. “Pinkie took care of that already. She invited the building inspectors to the party and they looked it over while you were gone. You passed.”

Well, at least Pinkie’s good for something. “Awesome. You got any other questions while we’re up here, or do you want to go ahead and return to the party?”

“So… why is Gilda here? And why is the naga here?”

“Roommate and to teach me to use a sword.”

“Gilda’s your… roommate? I thought she had a home near Gryphus.”

“You’ve never met her dad. He’s an asshole. I offered her a place to stay when I saw how bad he was.”

“That was… nice of you.” She was silent for a moment. “You… you aren’t going to take advantage of her, are you?”

“How would that be taking advantage of her? I offered her a place to stay. She can leave if she wants. I’m sure Rainbow would be okay with taking her in, as long as Gilda was able to keep her bitchiness to an acceptable level.” I figured if I could trust anyone outside of the group that was living with me with the news I was engaged, it would be Twilight, but why tell her what she doesn’t need to know? “Now, if she does want to bump uglies, I’m not about to tell her no. Lord knows the bed I have is big enough for the two of us.”

She just shook her head, a small smile on her face. “You are simply incorrigible.”

I shrugged. “When you get to be my age—and gender—you’ll understand.” She rolled her eyes, the old joke not pissing her off as much anymore. “Now, you should get back to the party. I’m sure Pinkie has something with your name on it.”

“But what about you, Nav? This party is for you, after all. Your… new house warming party.”

“I’m Pinkied out. I just spent a week in very close proximity to her and I need a break. If she asks, make something up. She’ll understand.”

She looked back to the door for a second before turning back to me. “Just promise me one thing, Nav. Even though you have this nice house out here and a maid and a trainer and your… roommate, don’t forget about us. We’re your friends, Nav, and like it or not, you’re a part of Ponyville now. Don’t forget that.”

“Don’t you worry about that, Twilight. I might not be around as much, but I don’t think I’ll be disappearing entirely just yet.”

She stood there looking at me for a moment or two before slowly nodding and leaving. The door swung shut behind her.

I don’t know how long I was staring at it before it was pushed open by an annoyed looking Gilda. “You didn’t tell me there was a changeling here!” she said as she slammed the door shut behind her.

“You’re right, I didn’t. And there will not be any problems, either. Like it or not, you are both here to stay. If you don’t want to deal with her, ignore her. I already spoke with her about this. If you tolerate her, she will tolerate you. If you choose not to tolerate her, we’re going to have a problem. Speaking of that, I happen to be good friends with the changeling queen, as well. If she comes to visit, either be respectful or stay out of the way.”

She was quivering in rage. “Public enemy number one of the griffins, and you tell me to be RESPECTFUL?! How dare you!”

“Look, I don’t like this arrangement either. I will not say a word to anyone if you leave. But as long as you live in my house, you will respect my friends and my guests.”

“Or. What.”

I steepled my hands on the desk. “Do you know what it was that got you engaged to me?”

“You pissed the king off. What does that have to do with—”

“Have you ever heard of Hestra?” She blinked. “He is—was—a griffin noble. He was guilty of hiring an assassin to attempt to kill Cadance. Luna ordered me to capture him. I beat him so badly—in hand to hand combat—that I believe he had to be hospitalized when we got him to the jail cell. I am not above beating women, Gilda. If you cross me, you will come to very sorely regret it. Now, are we going to have a problem?”

She looked away. “No. But I don’t like it.”

“And neither do I. We can have hot, angry, hate sex to deal with it later. For now, just stay out of trouble and keep your head down. And I suppose if you need bits and whatever you need it for isn’t ridiculous, let me know and I can probably help.”

“I can take care of myself!”

“I’m giving you the option, not demanding you use it. You really need to stop taking things so negatively. Why would I be trying to piss you off if we’re going to be living together for the next year?”

She opened her beak wide, presumably to yell at me, but it clicked shut after a moment of silence. Eventually, she said, “I’m itching to get angry at something. This entire thing has put me in a bad mood.”

I nodded to the wall behind her. “The Everfree forest is right there. If you’re in a bad mood, go kill the shit out of something. Maybe if I have a refrigerator, we can store the meat. But wait until all the guests are gone before you bring any bodies in here.”

She looked a bit concerned when I said that. “The last guest left fifteen minutes ago. What have you been doing in here?”

I shrugged. “Thinking.” And listening to Flo sing. She has a very calming voice, like the ocean waves gently lapping at the shores after a storm. “It has been a hectic few weeks for me. Anyway, I suppose you need a place to sleep. I know the room to the right of this is mine. I don’t know about any of the others. I think the naga is sleeping in the cellar, but I’m not certain. You’re welcome to any of the rooms you want that haven’t been claimed.”

“I’ll look around and find one that doesn’t have anypony in it, then. I suppose I probably should go to bed…”

“If the guests are gone, it’s probably past midnight. Good night, Gilda.”

“Don’t know what’s so good about it,” she muttered, leaving my office.

“Well Nav,” Flo said, “you bagged yourself an interesting one.”

“Interesting. Right. If this is what interesting gets me, I think I’d prefer boring.”

“You should have taken a naga wife, then. Most of them are very submissive to their husbands.”

“Yeah, except for those that are rapists. With my luck, I would have found another one of those and she never would have let me go.” We were silent for a little while. “Tell me, Flo… Would you blame me if I swore off romantic relationships?”

“You can’t judge all women off a few bad encounters, Nav. I know you’ve had worse luck than just about anyone else, but there has to be someone out there for you.”

“No humans, no chance for children… Most of the mates I do find will die before my eyes. If I pick a dragon, she’ll grow and grow until she’s too big to be around anymore. Don’t get me wrong: I like Kumani, but I always saw that more as a fling. I don’t want to be with someone that’s three times my size. I’ve done some weird things, but I don’t want to add cave explorer to the list. And if she gets too attached, I might not be able to get away from her anyway.”

“Nav, you know I won’t let that happen. Well, assuming you are able to free me before it becomes an issue…” Ah, implied threats. How fun. “And you know I didn’t mean it like that. You know I care about you, Nav.”

“I don’t know anything, Flo. You live in my head and ask that I free you, but have offered little in return other than company. So far as I know, as soon as I break you out, you’ll stab me in the back. I’ll do it anyway because it will amuse me to see Celestia deal with the emergence of a massive power inside of her own country, but it’ll take more than your assurance to make me trust you. But I feel like we’ve had this discussion before. What do you think of Gilda? Is she safe?”

“She is obviously not safe, given that you already managed to enrage her to the point of attacking you once. However, I think she recognizes that it might be best to keep you placated. She is dangerous, but I don’t think she’ll make too much trouble. Just be careful with her. If you weren’t wearing your armor, she would probably be able to hurt you.”

“No surprise there… What about Doppel? I know she’s spying on me, but do you think there’s a way I can get her to not report what I’m actually doing? When I leave, I don’t want Chrysalis to know about it until it’s too late for her to get involved.”

“Work to earn her loyalty. I do not know how far a changeling can be subverted, but if one can, I believe it would be Doppel. You already have a good start with telling her that she is your friend. And if you can get her to go with you when you leave… Well, a changeling would be very useful, I believe.”

“True enough. I’ll see what I can do. She likes lust and I don’t have anyone else in my sights, so maybe I’ll toy with her.” I smirked. “Hah, first thing I do when I get a big house is start to fuck the maid. Man, what have I become?”

“It is okay to have needs and wants. Just be wary of Gilda, should you start sleeping with Doppel. It is one thing to have something you hate living with you. It is another when they start having sex with the one you are supposed to love. Even if she doesn’t care about you and even if she agreed to the open relationship you proposed, she might get jealous.”

I ruffled my feathers. “This sucks, Flo. I just wanted a nice long year to get all my affairs in Equestria in order before I left this place forever. I have more problems to deal with now than I did before I decided to leave. Am I ever going to catch a break?”

She sighed, and I felt something caress my face. “When we’re together again, I will help you with whatever you want me to. Until then, though, I will merely be able to offer advice.” Advice that I’ll probably continue to not take.

I sighed and checked the sides of my desk. They were empty and I didn’t have enough paper to continue writing.

I stood and walked over to my room. My plan was to go hunting. With that in mind, I grabbed my crossbow and quiver and went all the way to the ground floor. After a moment of thought, I went to the kitchen to figure out how much room I would have.

I didn’t notice it before, but my kitchen was huge. I nodded and went outside. Since I didn’t get much of a chance to look around the grounds before, I took a moment to do so now.

I had a stream going through the back of the property. I checked and saw that it went in and out through a grated cover. There was a gazebo behind the stream. There was a grill of some kind way away from the gazebo. Other than that, the place was bare.

I took my ring off and jumped over the wall as quickly as possible, slamming the ring back on my finger before Luna tried teleporting me.

I came out of the forest shortly before the sun came up. I had a few small creatures tied to my belt. Nothing that big, since I didn’t feel like dragging anything heavy out. I figured they could sate Gilda and the naga until they could start killing big things themselves. And if not, I really didn’t care. Taya could survive on the safe fruits and herbs I took from the forest until I could get to the market.

Flo sighed. “Nav, you have a maid now. You can send her and Taya both to the market.”

That’s a better idea than I had.

I got to the kitchen before anyone else was awake and looked around, lost. I forgot how to cook. I started poking around in cabinets and drawers. And I don’t have anything to cook with.

“I can help you with the first,” Flo said, “but not the second.”

I thought for a moment. “Well, how about a cookout for breakfast?”

She was silent for a moment. I like to think she was basking in my glorious idea. “Nav, that’s a terrible idea. You’d be better off giving Taya the money to get breakfast while she’s helping Doppel get groceries.”

Fine, just shoot down all of my great ideas. Man, the life of a bachelor with a female voice in his head is hard.

“Well, since you never even tried to take your dad up on the offer to teach you how to use a grill, I can’t help you with it. And grilling new animals that don’t even exist in your world is just a recipe for disaster. You’ll have to ask Gilda or the naga to teach you how, if either of them even know. They probably did the same thing you did: just cook right on a fire.”

Stupid women, always trying to make me be reasonable. I gave in to her demands, but only because she had the power to give me really bad headaches if she wanted to.

Anyway, I took the animals out back and gutted them to pass the time. I was pretty out of practice, but I did a decent enough job, I think. I knew Gilda would complain anyway, but she probably would have done that even if I had done a perfect job. I took the meat inside and threw it in the fridge before taking a shower and getting rid of the grime of hunting. The water pressure was insanely high, which was awesome. It took a little while to heat up, but that’s one of the dangers you have when you’re using experimental technology.

When I got out, everyone but Gilda was downstairs. The naga and Doppel were sharing details about their races. Taya was walking aimlessly around the house.

I found her playing with a light switch. “There’s something wrong with this house,” she said. “I… I don’t know what it is. But the library always had a vibrant feel about it, like there was something in the air. I feel nothing but dull echoes here.”

“That’s because this house isn’t powered by magic. Despite that, how do you feel about it?”

“It’s… empty. So large, but only us to live here… Daddy, why is there a griffin in our house?”

I sighed. “Long story short, she’s my temporary fiancée until we’re able to break the engagement. In a tyrannical monarchy, stuff like this happens. Just be glad I’m able to get out of it, or you’d already be calling her mommy.”

“Yeah, no. I know where my loyalties lie, and they’re not with a random griffin picked up off the street.”

Well that was harsh. “She’s actually a noble’s daughter. And again, that was really rude. Any other complaints?”

“There isn’t any food, other than some weird looking fruit and some scary stuff in the freezer.”

“The fruit is safe to eat. It’s from the forest. I was planning on giving you and Doppel some bits so you could go and get all the food and cooking stuff we would need.”

“Um. I don’t know anything about cooking?”

Well shit. “Can you put up with Pinkie for a few hours?” She grimaced, but nodded. “Alright, I’ll ask her to help you guys. I suppose you can get breakfast there, while we’re at a place that serves it. Then I can come back, get yelled at by Gilda, and start getting my ass kicked by the naga. That sound fun?”

“Not really…”

I patted her on the head. “Welcome to my life. I’ll go get some bits.” I started walking out of the room we were in, but stopped. “Do you know where the changelings stuck my cash?” She shook her head.

“Imma slap a bitch if they took any,” I muttered, trying to find the room where I could still faintly hear Doppel and the naga talking. It didn’t take me long to find them in the kitchen.

“Ah, human. Doppel here showed me how to use the… refrigerator. It seems you went hunting last night.” He was eating… raw meat.

“…Yeah, I did. Uh, are you sure that’s healthy?”

“We naga have hearty constitutions. This is a fine breakfast, if a bit tasteless. Given this house is new and unprepared, I expect little more.”

I nodded. “That’s why I’m here, actually. Doppel, where’s all my cash? You, me, and Taya are going into town and buying everything a kitchen needs to work. I suppose we’ll also get whatever else we might need. Since I suppose my training has to start today, I’ll probably come back when it looks like you two have it under control.”

“It should all be in the closet next to your room. Did you try looking in there?”

“So that’s what all those bags were. I figured they were clothes or something. In that case, get ready to go. If you think the ponies will be okay with you in that body, go in that body. Otherwise, pick a shape of a pony that lives nowhere near Ponyville.”

“They seemed okay last night…”

I shrugged. “Use your best judgment. Naga, I suggest avoiding high density areas. Ponies are skittish and you are freakishly huge. Again, I trust you to use your best judgment. I’ll try to build you something soon that will help you hunt in the forest.” I wasn’t joking about that ballista idea. “Until then, I can go with you whenever you want to hunt and shoot something while you drag it out.”

He grinned. “Do not worry about me, human. We are better hunters than you would think. Still, I would be interested in a weapon that allows me to kill from afar. There is no honor in it, but when you are hungry, honor matters less.”

“Then I’ll try to get some tools and materials when I can.” And if I do end up hiring the airship, I can outfit that fucker with some kickass weapons.

I got out of the kitchen before I could be asked any more questions and went up to my room. I pulled a small empty bag out of my rucksack and filled it full of bits from one of the larger bags in my closet. That done, I went down to the foyer, where I found Doppel and Taya staring somewhat dubiously at each other.

I carefully balanced the bag of bits on top of Taya’s head, because it amused me. “Doppel, I know you feed on love and lust and thus you’ll probably attempt to steal a stallion or something. I am okay with that, but remember one thing: If he tells you he’s married, that is not a challenge. Marriage is generally respected here, so keep that in mind.”

She rolled her eyes. “Nav, I am a professional. Married stallions are more trouble than they’re worth. Now, can we get this over with?”

I shrugged and pulled the bits off Taya’s head. It looked like she was getting annoyed anyway. We left the house and stepped into the yard. I saw Applejack and Fluttershy adding their hoof prints to the road that was probably going to eventually be formed between my house and town.

We met them just on the other side of the wall. “Howdy there, you three,” AJ called, seeming more pleased than necessary. Fluttershy added her own quiet hello that I barely heard.

“What brings you two by?” I asked. Twilight said Applejack wanted to talk, but I don’t remember her mentioning Fluttershy wanting to as well.

“I was hoping you could help me with a problem,” Applejack said.

Fluttershy looked behind us to my house and said, “I… I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Hmm…” I scratched at the hair that was growing in on my face. “AJ, you scratch my back, I scratch yours. If you can take these two into town and help them get all the kitchen stuff I’ll need, I’ll help you with whatever you need. That’ll give me a chance to talk to Fluttershy and start my training. We can talk about what you need when you get back.”

She lifted a hoof to her chin. “So when during that are you going to scratch my back? Rainbow says you’re really good at that.”

I blinked a few times before it clicked. “When you’re telling me what you want, I guess. I also give free belly rubs, if you’re interested. Deal?”

She shrugged. “Seems fair to me. Deal.”

I nodded. “Awesome.” I put the bits back on Taya’s head. “Buy what you need. Teleport what you buy back. We can sort it out later. If it’s something made of glass, try to make sure it doesn’t end up too high when it’s teleported. I’ll see you three when you get back.”

Taya wasted little time removing the bits from her head. She floated them to her back instead.

I turned to Fluttershy. “Now my dear, come into my lair,” I said, waving my arm toward the gate and smiling. Normally she was a little braver around me, but she actually shivered before stepping through the gates. I followed her. I wish I could have timed it so that the gates closed behind us, but not even I was that good.

“So what did you want to talk about?” I asked when I had caught up to her.

“Um… A few things, if you have the time. First, even if you made an effort to hide it, I couldn’t help but notice you had a griffin and a naga living with you. And… both of them eat meat…”

“An astute observation. I can’t promise not to hurt your animals, Fluttershy. I swear I wouldn’t do it on purpose, but I have no way of recognizing which are yours and which aren’t. And I can’t control Gilda or the naga.” Well, I might be able to control Gilda, but I wouldn’t want to try.

“I’m not worried about that, Nav. Everypony has to eat, after all. It’s just… your house is awfully close to mine, and my house is a well-known sanctuary…”

Ohhh… She didn’t want me to let the naga and Gilda ruin her image as a safe-keeper of animals by setting up traps or hunting the animals that frequently come to her place. “I will… try to make sure the two of them stay away from your shack and to only hunt closer to the orchard rather than your house. For your part, tell your larger animals to try to stay away from there. I don’t think the naga or Gilda would waste too much time hunting down rabbits or squirrels. Manticores and the like are better targets. And fair warning about Gilda: She is not at all pleased about having to stay with me, so try to avoid her for a few days or at the very least not mention me.”

“Everypony is helpless sometimes, Nav. Maybe you should remind her of that.”

“I prefer my blood inside my body, thank you. Now, what else did you want to talk about?”

I should probably point out that by this time we were in my den. She was seated upon a couch and I was in an armchair, hating my wings. She was watching them twitch behind me. She rolled her eyes at my discomfort. “I was going to say something else, but this has been bothering me for years. Nav, lay on the floor.”

I shrugged and slid off the chair onto the mostly clean floor. I heard her walking over to me until she was straddling my body. Her hooves somehow grabbed my wings and pulled them taut. “Now, this might be uncomfortable,” she warned, before tracing the back of my wings from the tip to the base. I shivered and tried to keep myself from getting aroused. After a few moments of toying around, she pulled one tight and pushed in on a random spot. I flinched before I realized that I felt no pain. I turned my head around and saw that the wing somehow folded along what was apparently a joint I never noticed.

“How in the fuck…” She shushed me and continued running her hoof along the unfolded part of the wing until she found another joint and pushed that one in too. My wing was folded against my body in a way that I imagined would be considerably less uncomfortable. I probably couldn’t lie on my back for too long, but sitting in a chair wouldn’t be a pain in the ass anymore. I was just gaping.

She reached over to the other wing and repeated the process. “There. I can’t believe you didn’t come to me for this sooner, Nav.”

“What did you just do?”

She giggled and walked back over to the couch. “Nav, I deal with birds all the time. I’m used to finding hurt areas in broken wings. Those joints were unused for so long that they’ll probably be weak, but your wings should be much more comfortable now.”

…Well shit. “Why didn’t you point this out sooner?”

“I thought you would come to me! I never imagined you would put up with it for so long. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t discover them yourself.”

I pushed myself off the floor, still surprised. “I wasn’t born with these. You were one of the ones that had to help me learn how to even move them. Of course I don’t know where all the joints are. I don’t know how to move them or how to fold them because I didn’t have anyone to watch while I was growing up. I always thought what I was doing was the best that could be done, so I never bothered trying to improve it.” Which was silly, now that I think about it. There were some nights that I woke up from a bad turn and was just tempted to cut the fuckers off. “But thanks, Fluttershy. Hopefully I can remember how to do that again. I would offer to kiss you for that, but I already know you would turn me down. Now, what else did you want to talk about?” I sat back in the chair, finally able to comfortably lean back. It felt ridiculously good.

She muttered something that I didn’t catch and I swear I saw a blush, but I didn’t comment. After she had her little moment, she looked around the room before turning back to me. “Nav, this house is very large. And honestly, something seems… missing.”

I nodded. “Taya said the same thing. I didn’t expect you to be able to feel it, though. I thought it was more of a unicorn thing. There’s no magic operating here.”

She blinked a few times. “That’s… not what I meant. I mean, it seems empty empty.”

“Well, yeah. It was just built. Chrysalis was kind enough to give us some basic furniture, but we don’t have any knickknacks yet. I’m starting with the necessities like kitchen stuff, but we might get more later.”

She sighed. “Let me try it again. Doesn’t it seem lonely here?”

I blinked a few times. “Miss Fluttershy, are you flirting with me?”

She jerked back, blushing. “N-no!”

“Well geez, you don’t have to be so rude about it.” She lowered her head to her hooves, squeezing her eyes shut and making a funny whimpering noise. I burst out laughing. “Fluttershy, I’m just yanking your tail. I do, however, want to know what you mean.”

She took a few moments to recover from her embarrassment. When she was able to look up—still with a blush on her face, of course—she said, “D-do you w-w-want a pet?”

“Oh, that’s what you meant. I already have a kid, Fluttershy. I don’t need another one. I don’t think Taya cares about having a pet either. I don’t trust Doppel or Gilda to keep something alive. What the naga does is his own problem.”

“You don’t have any goats, Nav. And pets are so much fun! You can play with them and cuddle them and you can ride on the bigger ones! Just think of all the fun things you can do!”

“…I’ll pass. I’m going to have a hard enough time making sure Taya is fed to have to worry about something that can’t tell me it’s hungry.”

“Oh, but animals can tell you if they’re hungry! You just have to know what to look for and what to listen for! Like, when a yellow-spotted prairie mouse is hungry, it does—”

“Please stop talking.” She froze. “Thank you. Now, I appreciate that you tried to pawn one of your little critters off on me—after all, I’m sure from an outward appearance I look lonely—” And fuck if that isn’t true—“but I’m not interested. I already have enough problems to worry about without adding a creature that I don’t know how to take care of.” She opened her mouth again. “And yes, I know I could learn how.” Her mouth dropped shut. “Knowing my luck, I’d end up pissing Gilda off and she’d eat the fucker just to spite me. I made a deal and I can’t kick her out for a year, so there isn’t much I could do to her other than yell at her and psychologically torture her. She’s not as much of a bitch as she was, but she’s really pissed. I don’t want to risk it.”

“But you’re willing to trust her around Taya? What if Gilda hurts her?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Then they would never find the body.” Her eyes widened and her ears dropped. “But that won’t be happening. She should get over her anger quickly enough. Now, how have you been, Fluttershy? We haven’t spent much time together recently.”

She spent a moment to get over the horror I inflicted upon her—she gets faster and faster every time we talk. When she was better, she said. “I’ve been… okay, I guess.”

“Only okay? Something been bothering you recently?”

“Well, I just spend so much time with my animals that it feels like everypony is leaving me behind sometimes. It gets… lonely. Animals are so much fun to be with, but sometimes I just want to talk to somepony that can talk back.”

“Nothing’s stopping you from taking time off. Your animals will understand. And you should talk to your friends about it and ask them to make more of an effort to include you.”

“Nav, I am talking to a friend about it.”

I flinched internally at that. “I meant one of your pony friends. If I didn’t terrify you so much, I would offer to do more with you. As it is, I seem to scare you every time we talk. And you know that I’m not really good with animals. Well, those that can see me. I don’t even know why you offered me a pet when most of them wouldn’t even know I was there.”

“Nav, you know I find you more calming than I do scary. You just… have a few rough edges that need to be worked out.”

Don’t I know it. “Yeah… But I know your friends aren’t leaving you completely out of the loop. Did you guys do anything fun recently?”

We spent some time swapping tales before a grumpy Gilda hobbled down the stairs. “These things were not made for griffins,” she muttered before glaring at me. “So I found out that this whole thing wasn’t a bad dream. You make breakfast yet?”

“I didn’t make it at all. There is no food in the house yet. That situation is being remedied as we speak. Until then, you’re going to have to put up with being hungry or go find something yourself.”

Her eyes jerked to Fluttershy, who flinched slightly. I knew that if Fluttershy wasn’t here, I would be getting yelled at or attacked. Gilda’s eyes moved back to me. “Fine.”

She moved toward the door. I said, “Just stay to the side of the forest closer to the orchard, if possible. The other side has more of Fluttershy’s animals, and we don’t want any of them to get hurt.”

She didn’t answer, which might have been a good thing. One slammed door later and Fluttershy and I were alone again.

“Welcome to my life for the next week or two,” I said.

“Why… why is she acting like that?”

“Her father’s a right proper prick that basically told her not to come back. She didn’t take it well. If you see Rainbow, ask her to try to get Gilda out of her bad mood. I don’t want any property damage on the house that I just got.” Which reminded me to look into insurance.

“If you think Rainbow Dash could get her out of her bad mood, why doesn’t she just live with Dash?”

Well shit, she got me there. I waved a hand. “It’s a long story, Fluttershy. One you don’t need to worry about. Needless to say, Gilda is stuck here for a while. I don’t like it, she doesn’t like it, but that’s the way it is.”

“We have time. I want to hear the story.”

“Fluttershy, I don’t know how things work in Ponyland. But where I come from, when someone says that something is a ‘long story,’ it means that they don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh… okay. Nav, can I—”

The door pushed open and in walked a very unhappy looking Doppel. She walked past us both and into the kitchen, grumbling very unhappily. She didn’t even look up at us.

When she was out of eyesight, we shrugged and Fluttershy tried again, only to be interrupted by Applejack’s “We’re back!” Fluttershy just sighed as AJ kicked the door shut. “Well, the two of us at least. Taya stopped by Twilight’s place.” She got into the den with us and cast a suspicious look around before eyeing me and quietly saying, “I don’t like that changeling, Nav. She tried flirting with Big Mac!”

“…Was it working?” I asked.

“Yes! Well, it was until I stepped in. I nipped that in the bud and made sure she knows not to mess with any of my family.”

No comment. “So did you find everything you needed?”

“Yep!” She reached back and pulled my bag of bits from… somewhere. “Here’s what’s left.” She tossed it to me. I quickly put it down on the side of the chair, not knowing where it had been. I knew she wouldn’t cheat me, so I wasn’t worried about that. “Now, about our deal…”

I hopped up. “Yeah, yeah.” I walked over to another one of the couches and sat down, patting my lap. “Come on over. It’s easiest if you’re on my lap.”

“Wait, you were serious about the back scratch? Hot diggedy!” She leapt up at me and quickly situated herself across my lap. I pulled her hat off and set it on the arm of the couch and started scratching her back. After a minute or two, when I had her legs kicking really good, I saw Fluttershy casting the occasional look at my hands and Applejack’s face before biting her lower lip.

“Fluttershy, I have a spare hand.”

“But… but you and Applejack…”

“That wasn’t a question, Fluttershy. Get over here.”

“…Okay.”

Soon enough, I had two ponies sighing in pleasure as I scratched at their ears, head, neck, back, and really just about anything else I could reach without getting in trouble.

“So what was it you needed me to do, AJ?” I asked as I continued my evil work.

“Move your hand a little to the left,” she moaned. I did so. “Oooh yeah…”

I wasn’t really expecting to get much out of her in that state, but it was amusing to see the normally reserved Applejack like that. I kept going for a few minutes before slowly petering out.

She sighed in disappointment when my hand stopped moving. I was still petting Fluttershy, since I didn’t need information from her.

“Why’d you have to stop?” Applejack asked.

“Because I still need to know what it is you want me to do. You didn’t seem very coherent when I was scratching your back.”

She sighed and hopped down, grabbing her hat and walking to another couch. “Well, you know how you said the timberwolves could talk?” She looked over and blinked when she saw that Fluttershy had quickly taken the spot on my lap that she vacated. “Now I know I didn’t look that silly…” Fluttershy had a very contented look on her face. Applejack shook her head quickly. “Anyway, I want to know if you can talk to the timberwolves for me and ask them why they’re so attracted to the zap apples. If we can get them to not attack the farm every time the apples bloom, it sure would save Granny a lot of worry.”

“I suppose I can try to find a few packs and ask them. I’ll start tonight, since I don’t have anything better to do. I have no idea how long it’ll take me to find a group, though.”

“Take all the time you need, Nav. Their attacks don’t go nowhere, but they sure do cause Granny Smith some strife.”

Psh, that old bag was sure to die any day now anyway. But it would still give the rest of the Apple family some comfort to know why the timberwolves did it. I nodded. “I’ll get it done when I can. I don’t suppose you want a belly rub?”

Her eyes lit up before she turned away, blushing. “I wouldn’t want to take up any of your time…”

“Chillax. If you don’t want one, just say no.”

“Well it’s not that I don’t…” I patted the spot next to me on the couch. “Well, shucks. Why not?” She walked back over and hopped up, presenting her tummy.

I set my hand on it and said, “A warning: Effects of my belly rubs are random, and have reported to be ticklish, joyful, sexually pleasing, fun, and a recipe for disaster and a good night.” Before she could comment, I began rubbing. Her open mouth became a gasp and her eyes took on a dreamy state. She was humming quietly as I continued rubbing it and petting Fluttershy.

We were interrupted a few minutes into it by an unhappy Doppel. “All of your stuff is put away, sir,” she forced out with as much sarcasm and anger as she could.

Applejack jerked herself out of her reverie at Doppel’s voice and pushed my hand away, blushing. She rolled off the couch and said, “I uh… I just remembered that I promised to hang out with Pinkie today! See y’all later!” With that, she bolted to the door, tail as low as she could get it. The door slammed behind her.

Doppel watched her retreating form with confusion. “What was that about?”

I shrugged, stopping my assault on Fluttershy, who sighed. “Applejack’s a pretty silly pony,” I said. “Maybe she was just really in a hurry.”

Fluttershy gasped when I said that, and looked up at the really fancy clock on the mantle of the fireplace. “I have to go feed my animals!” She jumped down to the floor. “Thanks for the talk, Nav. It was… nice.”

“Any time, Fluttershy. Ain’t no reason for you to feel left out while I’m around.”

She smiled at that. “I guess not. I’ll see you both later.” And with that, Fluttershy joined Applejack in leaving.

Doppel turned to me, smirking. “Talk, huh?”

“Yes, talk. Fluttershy isn’t that kind of mare. You, though…” I looked her up and down. “If you’re looking for a good time, I’m down.”

She sniffed. “I am not interested in the queen’s hoof-me-downs.” Ouch. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have plenty of sulking to catch up on.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed her as she walked past, picking her struggling form up and putting her on my lap. “You put me down this instant!”

I didn’t put her down that instant. Instead, I began petting her. I knew it wouldn’t have as much effect since she had a carapace, but she enjoyed it before, so I figured she could get into it this time. She stopped struggling when she realized that she wasn’t getting anywhere, and instead just laid there and took it. After a few minutes I said, “Don’t you feel better now?”

She turned her head around and showed me an exaggeratedly unhappy face with glaring eyes.

“Look, I’m not going to have you pissed off. I already have Gilda pissed at me and I’m not going to deal with two of you. What will it take for you to stop being so pissed?”

She dropped her unhappy face and fell back onto the couch. “Nav, it’s not you. I just don’t want to be here. I didn’t do anything to deserve being made a… a maid. I went from being the queen’s personal assistant to a lowly maid… And I’m so far from the hive, so far from my own species. It’s lonely.”

I patted her on the back. “Doppel, you’re talking to the person with the second most experience with being lonely on the planet.” Not counting the elementals. “I am the only human in existence. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. There are three changelings in town. I’m sure you know who they are. And there is a hive near here. And you are still the queen’s assistant, because you’re reporting my every action and deed to her. Consider yourself her spy, not my maid. Or if you still don’t like that, consider yourself my assistant.”

She sighed. “I will try. I don’t like it at all, but I know it isn’t the fault of anypony here. Now can you please put me down?” I stopped holding her and she jumped down. “I suppose I can find something to do that isn’t sulk…”

“There’s a library in town. I’m sure if you’re a spy, you know how to read.”

“A library… I never spent much time reading before. Do you think they would let me check books out?”

“Probably. But I imagine that you’ll have to answer a few questions. If you’re interested, it’s the giant tree in town.”

She nodded. “I’ll go check it out. It’ll be better than lounging about the house all day…” She fluttered her wings. “And it’ll give me a chance to exercise.” And with that, I managed to get all the chicks out of my house.

I went to go find the naga. I wasn’t really in a hurry to get my ass kicked in sparring, but I knew I had to learn somehow.

I very quickly learned that learning is painful. God, is it ever.

Chapter Sixty-Six—I never was good at pranking

Chapter Sixty-Six—I never was good at pranking

I squared off against the naga, barely holding the stick he gave me to use against him. I have no idea what they were made of, but I know mine was small and his was huge and his hurt whenever he hit me. I imagine that he barely felt mine. Well, assuming I could ever hit him. If I hadn’t been wearing my armor, I would have been sporting several bruises. As it was, my wings felt like they had been beaten and plucked and I could feel various aches from where the armor stopped blows from that massive hunk of wood he was using.

“That is not a proper stance,” he told me.

Bitch please, you don’t even have legs. “Well, I’ve never been told what a proper stance is. Maybe you should show me.”

“Or you could experiment until you find it. The best stance differs from fighter to fighter.”

I rolled my shoulders. “Then how do you know that this stance isn’t proper for me?”

Before I could react, he lunged and lashed his sword against the shield I was using, throwing me off my feet. “Because if it was proper, you wouldn’t have fallen.” He reached down and grabbed the lip of my shield, pulling me off the beaten grass. I’m glad I didn’t have any work put into my yard. We were currently in my backyard, away from the prying eyes of anyone that might want to ‘help’ me if they saw my ass getting beaten by the naga. “Now, try again.”

I sighed and backed away from him, pulling myself into a better stance. I had my shield facing him and my sword over the top right of it, pointing at him. My legs were in what I was hoping was a suitable fighting stance.

“It needs work,” he said with a nod. “But it’s considerably better.” He pulled his hunk of wood up in a two-handed stance. “Now, see if you can hit me.”

This isn’t going to end well. I slowly walked up to him, my shield not wavering. When I was within his range, he swung his sword down at my head and I barely made it out of the way. It stopped from hitting the ground and shot toward me. I barely jumped over it, knowing it would trip me if it hit me. I lashed out with my sword, but he somehow moved his up to intercept it before pushing back on it, throwing my sword and hand back hard enough to spin me. I lashed out with my shield as I spun, hoping I could hit him. He grabbed my shield with one hand and swung the sword down with his other. I let the shield go and pulled my arm free, dodging the sword. I shot mine at him before he could correct, but he slammed my shield across the side of my head and I went down hard.

I found myself in that glade Flo seems to like so much. I knew my body had to be fucked up if I was here. I walked to the center and found Flo waiting. “What’s the damage?” I asked her.

“I can’t tell all of it, but you have a pretty bad concussion. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were missing teeth. Nav, I’m going to put this in words you can understand. You aren’t a tank. Don’t even try to be one. You are the ‘damage per second’ member. Stop trying to use the shield and use your speed and dexterity to your advantage.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. It leaves me with a shield that I can’t use, though.”

“And? I could tell from looking at it that it had been there for at least a century without being moved for anything more than cleaning. You know some of the history of that place, Nav. It’s probably a leftover from the city that used to be there ages ago. No one else would have used it, so it’s hardly a waste. Now, are you ready to try to wake up?”

I looked around the glade before asking, “How much pain am I going to be in?”

“A lot. I have no objection if you want to stay here with me…”

I nodded. “I like that idea. Let me know when my headache is gone and I’ll wake up.” I wrapped my arms around her and saw that pretty pink glow return to her. She carried us to the ground.

A few minutes later, she sighed. “It’s time for you to wake up, Nav. Taya’s healed you.”

“Send me away, then. I’ll see you again in a few months.” With that, I woke up.

My gauntleted hand went to my head as I sat up. I was quickly hugged by Taya. I lowered my hand when I realized I wasn’t in pain and pulled her against me. “Did I get hit by a truck?” I asked.

The naga chuckled. “Not quite. I just forgot how different you are.” I looked up and saw him holding my bloody helmet in one hand.

Taya spoke up and said, “You’re going to need a trip to the dentist, daddy.”

I swirled my tongue around, flinching when I felt broken teeth. “Yep… Fucking Colgate.” I let go of Taya and she backed away. I got to my feet, stumbling a little out of dizziness. I quickly recovered. The naga passed me my helmet and I put it on my belt before walking over to my shield and grabbing it. “I’m changing first. No reason to go into town looking like this.” I looked over at Taya. “Hey, did I ever take you to the dentist?” I saw her ears lay down and she quickly nodded. I lifted an eyebrow and she looked away. “Then you’re coming with me. I ain’t letting you do to your teeth what I did to mine.” I didn’t treat my teeth well as a child. Bad things happened. “Colgate may be terrifying and possibly a serial molester, but she knows her stuff. I think. Get ready to go.”

She looked down at herself before looking up to me. “I am ready.”

I shrugged and went to go change.

When I got back out, Taya looked somewhat worried. I rubbed her head as we left the gates. “What do you know about Colgate?” I asked.

“That she’s… weird. I’ve seen her looking at my teeth. And she looks at yours a lot. I don’t think she’s all there.”

“Let’s just say that there’s a reason I’m not going there alone. No matter what she says, don’t leave me alone with her. The last two times, I got drugged and ended up passing out. I have no idea what happened after that, but I woke up both times hours later being carried out by someone else, with a minty taste in my mouth that didn’t leave for days.” Not this time, though. The last few times I went, I was disgusted by the idea of fucking a pony. Now, I had a plan.

“So does that mean she isn’t going to look at my teeth?”

“No, she will. No child of mine is going to have fucked up teeth. Even if that means dealing with Colgate. Also, how mad would you be if I put a limit on the amount of time you were allowed to be home?”

“…Why would you do that? That’s just cruel.”

I shrugged. “The idea is that it would force you to socialize. It would give you a good chance to learn how to do so before we leave.”

“But the ponies here are so... ugh! Why would I ever want to spend time with them?”

“Because they can be amusing. Rainbow Dash, for instance, is almost always amusing to be around. We don’t have much in common, but most of her persona is just amusing to me. I don’t know why. Same for Fluttershy.” Well, I did know why for both of those, but I knew Dash had a bad habit of sleeping on low flying clouds and could be listening in. Fluttershy’s innocence was fun to play with and Dash was just really fun and easy to tease. She usually took it reasonably well, too.

“But the little fillies you keep trying to pawn me off on are so annoying! They constantly try to get me my cutie mark in the most ridiculous and off-the-wall ways! I know it’s something that will come in time, but they don’t seem to like that idea.” She put on a bad southern accent for this next part. “They want it now!” She huffed and her voice went back to normal. “It’ll come when it comes.”

“Well, if you don’t like them, then make different friends. I know there are plenty of kids in Ponyville. Or if the kids annoy you, there’s nothing stopping you from going after older game. Just avoid some of the teens, because I can imagine they’d be dicks. Either way, you need to talk to ponies outside of the small group you’re forced to interact with. It would be good for you.”

“Even if we’re just going to leave soon?”

“Yes.” You know, I honestly never thought I would be telling my daughter to go talk to strangers. Most ponies are pretty chill, once you get past their fear of the unknown. Most. “Now that it’s been a few days, what do you make of Gilda?”

She grimaced. “I know she’s in a bad mood, but that’s no reason for her acting like she is.” Gilda hadn’t been too bad, all things told. That said, I would rather her not be in my house than be in it, the way she had been acting. The whole general bitchiness thing was getting old. I had an idea to either piss her off enough to make her leave or finally settle her down. I was looking forward to it.

We were on the outskirts of town and getting noticed by several ponies, who didn’t really care. Taya and I walking was a normal enough sight, and since I washed the blood off my face, there was nothing odd about it. That said, Rainbow Dash quickly joined our group, hovering next to us. “Hey Nav, what’s with Gilda? She’s been in the worst mood I’ve seen since she freaked out and left Ponyville a few years back.”

“If she isn’t saying anything, I’m not saying anything. I made that deal with her. It involved her father, if that helps.”

She growled. “It would. That jerk’s always on her case about something or another! I’ve never even met him and I hate him.”

“I have met him and I hate him. He’s a right proper prick. Serious misogynist. I got to threaten to break him in half, though.”

“Good going, Nav.” She continued floating next to me for a few moments in silence. “Soooo… you doing anything today?”

“Gotta get my teeth fixed.” I pulled my gums down and showed her how fucked up they were.

“Sweet Celestia! How did that happen?”

I shrugged and casually said, “I talked back to Taya and she got mad. She hit me in the face with the first hard thing she could find.”

Rainbow giggled awkwardly and Taya cast a disdainful eye at me. “That’s a good one, Nav…” Rainbow warily said.

I looked at her, trying to put fear into my eyes. “Do you think I’m joking?” Her smile dropped and her eyes darted to Taya. She gulped loudly and opened her mouth, but I cut her off with, “Because I am.”

She kicked me in the arm. Hard. “Don’t do that! You know some of us can’t tell when you do things like that!”

I chuckled at her baleful glare. “Dash, make of this what you will, but you’re really cute when you’re angry. No bromo.”

She snorted, but couldn’t hide a blush. “And you’re pretty much always ugly. So what are you doing after you get your teeth fixed?”

“Well, the plan was to go back and get my ass kicked around my yard some more by my naga friend, but I think he would understand if I took the rest of the day off. But it takes a long time to regrow teeth. This isn’t my first time.”

“Oh yeah, back when AJ thought your head was an apple tree for a second. You’re a lot more talkative this time!”

“Less swelling. And I actually have some teeth, so I’m less worried about showing them off. I am, however, worried about Colgate. The last—and only—two times I’ve been there, she drugged me and I have no idea what happened. That’s why Taya is here.”

“Wellll, it has been a long time since I had my teeth checked… I guess I can go too.”

Taya and I both looked at her. I asked, “Are you really so bored that going to the dentist sounds better than being alone?”

She looked away and muttered something that I barely caught. All I heard were the words Pinkie and heat and couldn’t help but flinch.

“Yeah, come on Dash. You’re sticking with us for now.” Taya gave me a questioning look. “You’ll understand when you’re…” I stopped, blinking. “Hey Dash, when do mares start going into heat?”

“I dunno. I started getting mine short after I got my cutie mark. Considering that’s seen as a sign of puberty among us ponies, that’s probably what caused it. I never cared for any of that science stuff, you know that.”

I shrugged. “Either way, you’ll understand when you’re older, Taya.” And won’t that be fun to explain.

We made it to Colgate’s business building, so I was saved from having to expound on what I meant. I looked at the door for a few seconds before sighing and pulling it open for the two ladies.

Dash scoffed. “I’m not going in first.” She grabbed me and pushed me in. Mares just don’t appreciate politeness…

Either way, it meant I was the first to see Colgate’s shiny smile as she was staring dead at the door from behind her desk. She was sitting in the exact same position she was in the last time I came by. I shivered as I led my small group inside. Her grin only widened when she saw the three of us, and her eyes fixated on me with an extra intensity.

“How can I help you today, favorite patient of mine?” she asked in a voice that just screamed ‘crazy.’

“I need more fixed teeth. Taya needs a checkup. Dash thinks she has some carpet stuck in her te—” A kick in the shin shut me up.

With a short glare to me, Dash said, “I need my teeth cleaned.”

“Welllll… As much as I’d like to let Nav go first, cleaning teeth doesn’t take nearly as long as regrowing them. If the two of you would just follow me, I can get you started right away.”

She hopped right over her desk and somehow managed to wrap a single foreleg around both of their necks and started dragging them off to the back room. I followed. Colgate reached out and opened the door to the back room before unceremoniously pushing them both inside. “Sorry Nav, but you gotta wait. It shouldn’t take too long!”

I started to debate the point, but she jumped in behind the two and slammed the door shut. I reached for the handle to find that it was locked. I jerked my hand to where I occasionally put my key to realize I left it at home.

I sighed and walked back to her ‘waiting room.’ All of the magazines were months old. Most of the books were for kids. The newspaper was for Trottingham. If there had been a TV, it probably would have been playing some kind of silly judge reality show. In short, it was exactly like a waiting room back home.

I settled into a chair to wait. Some time later, Colgate popped her head back out and said, “The dentist will see you now!” For some reason, that made her giggle.

I stood and walked to the door. “What about Dash and Taya? Where are—” I stopped when I stepped inside and saw them curled up in the corner, smiles on their faces as they slept away. I sighed. Guess we’re doing this the hard way. “So do you give all of your patients laughing gas?”

“Oh no, I try to keep most of that for myself. But some of them are more unruly than others and don’t like listening to their dentist! Now, to the chair.” She made a motion to the dentist chair I was well acquainted with.

I turned to her and lifted my hand to her head, scratching at her ears. She flinched in surprise, but the smile didn’t disappear. “You know, with the two of them asleep, we could… find something else to do.” I was using my seductive voice. My other hand started scratching under her chin. “I bet that chair will hold two…”

She looked at me for five seconds before it clicked. Her pupils shrank to pinpricks, her ears drooped, she started hyperventilating, and she backed away. “I-I-I d-d-don’t… I m-m-m-mean… You…”

I grinned and stepped forward, pushing my arm out again. She shrank away from it. “Come now, my dear. Don’t you think it would be fun?” I wiggled my fingers and she let out a funny scared sound. “I bet you have something that would make you very sensitive…”

She finally hit the wall and turned away, squeezing her eyes shut. “P-please…”

I blinked, looking down at her. “Holy shit, you’re actually terrified.” I pulled my arm back, stepping away. I decided to give her even more room and went to sit on the edge of the chair until she recovered. It took her a minute. When she realized I hadn’t said or done anything in a while, she forced an eye open, scanning the room. She saw me looking at her with concern from halfway across the room and flinched. She didn’t take long to take a few deep breaths to fully calm down. “Soooo…”

The crazy smile and wide eyes came back as she merrily trotted to the chair. “Now just you lean back and I’ll take gooood care of you!”

“I don’t suppose there’s any way we could do this without me getting drugged?”

“That would take most of the fun out of it, though! Laughing gas sure is a hoot.” She giggled at her own joke. I just gave her a deadpan look until her mirth passed.

I let the moment linger for awkwardness’s sake. Finally, I said, “Whatever you’re doing to me that requires me to be here for several hours needs to stop.”

“You don’t like having your teeth cleaned?” It sounded like she considered that the ultimate blasphemy.

“I know you didn’t knock me out and keep me here three hours last time to clean my teeth.”

She giggled again. “Sure I did! I cleaned them and brushed them and scrubbed them and flossed them… Oh, it was so much fun! You just have such great teeth! I wonder if I can get little Spikey to let me do his…”

“…So you didn’t molest me?”

Her mouth dropped.

“Just checking.” I folded my wings up and sat back in the chair. “I can clean my own teeth. I can’t, however, regrow them. Do whatever you want.” I heard muttering and the clip-clopping of hooves as she marched around the room, grabbing things. “Oh, and if you do plan on gassing me, I probably have a higher tolerance than I did before.”

Flo whispered, “Are you sure that’s a good idea to tell her, Nav?”

With as scared as she was, I don’t think she’s going to do anything to me. And even if she does, well, at this point I don’t really care. As long as she doesn’t hurt me, she can do whatever. Now it was Flo’s turn to mutter incomprehensibly.

Soon enough, Colgate was back to her bubbly self. She walked over, bent her horn down to my mouth, and I felt my teeth begin elongating back to where they should be. “You really need to stop breaking your teeth. They’re such a pain to get back to normal. But it does mean I get to play with your teeth, so I guess it’s worth it!” Her horn stopped glowing and she pulled away. “Now, leave your mouth open. Do not close it. I’ll be right back!”

I decided it would be a good idea to not close my mouth. I really wanted to run my tongue over my teeth, but I didn’t want to cut it if any of the edges were sharp. It wasn’t a long wait, though. She came trotting back in, floating a box next to her. She set it down on a table next to me and opened it, pulling out some kind of plaster.

“Now, we can do this the quick and painful way or the slow and uncomfortable way. Which would you like?”

I tried to say quick and painful, but it’s hard to talk with your mouth open. Thankfully, she was still very fluent in open-mouth speak.

“Well, if that’s your choice… Hold still.” She floated the plaster over to my mouth. I was able to see that it was grooved with my teeth, presumably taken from the first time I was here. It slowly fitted into my mouth, not touching anything. “Slowly close your mouth until you’re just barely touching it with your teeth.” I did so. I felt one of her hooves grab my hand. “On the count of three, bite down as hard as you can.” I did not like where this was going. “One.” I was about to ask if it was too late to reconsider. “Two.” But I also didn’t want to be there all day. “Three.” I bit down and started screaming in pain as I felt my teeth grinded down to their proper shape in the span of two seconds. Thankfully, my mouth was kind of forced closed so the screams weren’t that loud.

The pain lasted for three minutes as I just laid there, panting. It took Colgate a full minute to get her hoof away from my clenching hand. She busied herself around the room, humming a song that sounded somewhat familiar.

When the pain finally eased enough that I was able to think again, I reached a hand up and pulled the plaster out of my mouth. “Holy fuck,” I groaned, holding it up. Slimy chunks of teeth slid down it.

“Most ponies take longer to recover than that!” she said, hopping over. Her horn lit up and the plaster pulled away. “You should have seen Big Mac the last time he was in here. Whimpering and crying like a baby the entire time, and he only had one tooth to fix!”

I sat up, rolling my shoulders. “So is that it? Am I good to go?”

She whirled around with that smile, her horn glowing and making several cleaning things fly up around her head. I saw a few brushes, several things of floss, and a set of those pokey things with the mirrors. I sighed and fell back into the chair. “That’s the spirit!”

Have you ever sat in a chair for an hour while someone lovingly caressed your teeth? While they were constantly singing the word ‘brush’ to the Inspector Gadget theme?

It was maddening. I swear she started saying ‘butt scratch’ around the halfway point. I think I preferred the idea that she was molesting me, honestly.

Anyway, when she was done with all of what she was doing, she finally let me get up. “Now wasn’t that fun?” she sweetly asked, shoving what looked like a mouth guard and a toothbrush in my hand.

“No,” I answered, popping my neck and sliding the things into a pocket. “How did those two sleep through that?”

“Laughing gas is a lot of fun.” She walked over to a canister, put her mouth where the gas gets out, and turned the valve. She sucked in a lethal amount of it before turning the valve closed and turning back around, her eyes bright red and a dreamy smile on her face. “Oooh yeah, that’s the stuff. You want a hit?”

I was looking at her in horror. “I’m good. I’m just gonna…” I quickly walked over to the two sleeping ponies and started poking them. Taya was quick to wake up, but Dash just rolled over and muttered something. I rolled my eyes, pulled her wing up, and ran my hand down it. She woke up with a moan and I let it drop against her.

“Whe-where am I?” she asked, rubbing her eyes as she sat up. When she saw me standing above her, she jerked straight. “Dude, why are you in my house?”

“If your house looks like a dentist’s office, I’m going to help you redecorate,” I answered.

“Hey!” Colgate shouted. “That’s not… What were we talking about?”

Taya and Dash both looked at her, confused. “Is she… okay?” Dash asked.

I waved a hand. “Yeah, she just had what should have been a lethal dose of laughing gas. Let’s go.”

Taya looked at me with concern. “Did you say lethal?”

“Yep. Let’s go. I’m sure Colgate is a busy mare.” At the moment, she was just looking at Rainbow and giggling.

“Hey uh, you two go on ahead,” Dash said. “I think I want to stay and talk a while.”

I leaned in next to her and whispered, “Dash, I’m not trying to beaver dam you here,” beaver dam being the female version of cock block, “but Colgate is beyond fucking crazy. I don’t think you want any part of her.”

She licked her lips. “I can think of one part I wouldn’t mind having…”

I shook my head. “Trust me. I tried flirting with her and she almost pissed herself in fear.”

She grinned. “That’s because you ain’t the Dash. I’ll be fine!”

I shrugged and stood up. “I’ll be home, if you still want to chill later. Good luck. Come on, Taya.” We thankfully got out of that place and started back. “So how was getting your teeth cleaned?” I asked.

“I… I don’t remember. She stuck something over my face and told me to breathe deeply.” She looked down. “Sorry, daddy.”

I ruffled my feathers. “No worries, Taya. I handled it well enough on my own. I don’t think I’ll be having problems with her again.” She still looked sad, though. “You want anything out of town before we go back?” She shook her head and we just kept walking. Until I thought of some stuff I needed, that is. “Well, I do. Let’s go to the hardware store.” I had my trusty bag of bits. It was time to get some tools and some wood to start building shit from Earth. I wouldn’t mind building a trebuchet that could throw a rock to Ponyville from my house. It would be fun to have in my front yard. Then there was the ballista for the naga.

We went to the store and got what we needed, Taya mercifully teleporting it all to our front yard to be dealt with later. We left Ponyville with a considerably lighter pouch and plans of fun carpentry projects in my head.

When we got to my house, I very quickly got the feeling that something was wrong. That was probably because there was a fucking standoff in my living room. The griffin king and a few of his guards were on one side, with what looked like Gilda’s dad. The naga was on the other side with his weapon bared, standing in front of a terrified Doppel. Cadance was in the middle, glaring at them both.

I slammed the door behind us, making everyone turn our way. I crossed my arms. “And just what the fuck is this about?” I demanded.

“Why is that… bug here, Navarone?” the king asked.

“She is my maid. And her name is Doppel.”

“And just why do you have a bug as a maid?” he asked, his voice considerably less than pleasant.

“Because the changelings are the only race that have not fucked me over. Now what the fuck do you want?”

Gilda’s dad spoke up, this time: “I want that bug’s head! There’s no telling what she did to my daughter!”

I narrowed my eyes and let my arms fall. “If you touch her, you will not leave this house alive.” Cadance gasped and the griffin jerked back.

The king said, “And you would risk war for the sake of one of these bugs?”

“Equestria can fucking burn, for all I care. If you dare hurt someone loyal to me, I will kill you myself. Do we have an understanding?”

Gilda’s dad was shaking in rage. The only thing stopping him from acting was my threat and my reputation. The king was oddly calm. Cadance looked terrified. The naga didn’t give any fucks. Doppel had wisely chosen to make herself scarce when everyone’s attention was no longer on her.

The king snorted. “Fine. There’s no sport or honor in killing a maid anyway. Navarone, I have a deal for you.”

My eyes flicked to Cadance for a second and I had a small glimmer of hope. I looked back to Bloodbeak. “I’m listening.”

He looked at the naga. “I’d prefer to discuss business without bared steel anywhere near me.” The naga looked to me and I jerked my head to a door. He put his sword up and left the room. “Better. Shall we sit?”

I walked over to an armchair, taking note of all that was happening. Cadance, Taya, and the king were the only three moving to any kind of seating. Taya ended up on the floor next to me. The other two picked couches. The other important griffin clearly wanted to sit, but was too busy glaring at me. The two redshirt guards took up positions behind their king.

“So how can I help you?” I asked, steepling my fingers.

The king sighed. “It has been made painfully obvious to me,” he glanced at Cadance for one second before looking to Gilda’s dad for another, “that your culture does not practice arranged marriages and that attempting to force you into one might not have been the best move.” He grinned. “However, I knew this might have been the case when I did it. That is, in fact, one of the reasons I did it. If you married Gilda, you would become part of my family and be obligated to help me. Or at least, that is the way it would be in the griffin culture. Obviously that isn’t the same where you come from. But if you really didn’t want her, I had the idea for a deal. Would you be interested in hearing it?”

“Do you really need to ask? Yes, I am.”

“I want you to draft my country a constitution and build us a parliament. Give us the government of the United Kingdom from your world.”

There was silence for almost a minute. Eventually, I said, “And in return?”

“The engagement will be canceled.”

My eyes went unfocused as I thought. It would piss Celestia off something fierce, so that was one good point. But I don’t know why he wanted it at all. “Why?” I asked. “I know we talked a lot about it when I was in Gryphus, but why do you want this?”

“Several reasons. One is because of the war that almost happened. My idiot cousin almost talked me into a war that would ruin us. No one griffin should have the power to ruin his entire country. The second reason is because I think your world is more civilized than ours in that respect. I thought about it for a long time when you left. A free-thinking population is better than a population that supports you out of indifference. I would rather know that I have the support of my country—or at least the majority—by having them vote on something than just assuming and acting. And the third reason is that it would anger Celestia greatly.”

I slowly nodded. “All good reasons…” Still, it seemed like a trap. “Two conditions. One: Gilda can stay here if she wants. I won’t marry her, but that doesn’t mean she has to go home. Two: If this goes wrong, I will take no blame for it.”

Gilda’s dad didn’t seem happy with that. “Now wait just a min—”

The king cut him off with, “Done. When can I expect the first draft of the constitution?”

“When are you leaving Canterlot?”

“Three more days.”

“I’ll have it to you tomorrow. When was the last time you did a census in your country?”

“…A what?”

I sighed. That made it a lot harder. “A census is when every person in your country is counted. A lot of other information is also collected. In my country, it was done by mail. A survey was sent to each house and it was filled out and then sent back. I don’t know how you would do it in your country. But basically, those surveys were used to form voting districts, which is how representatives for our congress were picked. I think the UK worked in the same way.”

He nodded. “When you bring us the constitution, give us a list of things to ask our citizens. I will give my country a census, have my scribes gather the data, and send you the results along with someone to teach. It will take some time to get my griffins used to this change anyway. Is that acceptable?”

“Yeah.” I leaned back. “Of all the things you could have asked from my world, why did you pick this government? Why not technology? Or something else?”

“I noticed something from your world while we were talking. Of all of the countries in power, almost none of them have totalitarian rulers or kings that make most or any of the big decisions. Most of the countries that you mentioned with single rulers use technology to oppress their subjects and those countries are weak. It appears to me that your society has to develop before your technology does, or else you run the risk of having a government that enslaves you based on the ability to keep you under their thumb with technology. A leader should rule through respect, not fear.”

Gryphonia was now on my list of possible places to live.

The king grinned at the expression that was probably on my face. “I can see you agree. I thought you would, from the way you reacted when we threatened your subject. Navarone, if ever you need a new home, you are welcome in my castle and in my court. Although I fear my court will soon stop existing, so I do not think that is the best offer I could give. Now, where is Gilda? I think it would be best to give her the news as soon as possible.”

I shrugged. “I have no clue. She’s been in a very pissy mood lately and has been roaming around the area. She’ll be back before night falls. I’ll tell her when she gets here.”

Her dad let out a shout of fury. “You let my daughter freely roam? In a place full of PONIES AND MONSTERS?!” He turned to the guards and screamed, “ARREST THIS APE!”

They didn’t even flinch. The king was looking at me to see how I would handle it. I was calmly looking at the griffin. “Remove yourself from my property,” I said, my voice cold.

He launched himself at me and was caught in the air by a lightning bolt from Taya that threw him into one of the guards. Cadance and the king jumped to their feet. The guard pushed the griffin off him and stood. Gilda’s dad weakly pushed himself up, his plumage smoking. I don’t think he was hit hard enough to be killed.

“Maybe you did not understand me,” I said. “I told you to get out.”

The king nodded to the guards, who grabbed him and dragged him out of my house. He turned back to me, grinning. “I’ve been looking for an excuse to strip him of his titles for years. Everyone knows he beats his wife, but there was never any proof. Now I don’t need it. If Gilda ever goes home, it will be to a large estate that she owns.” He looked down to Taya. “That was a remarkable shot. I applaud you.” He looked back to me. “And you should be proud to have her as your daughter. Or at least, I assume this is Taya?”

“Yes she is and yes I am.”

Cadance finally let her voice be heard. “You shouldn’t applaud that or be proud of it! Little fillies shouldn’t know that kind of magic, Nav!”

“Oh, I agree,” I said. “She shouldn’t know it. But she does know it and she knows it well enough to use it. And for that I am proud. I will have a talk with her later about it, don’t you worry. Now, Bloodbeak, do you have anything else for me?”

“No, Navarone. And it is about time for me to return to the castle. I do not want Celestia suspicious about what I am doing.” I stood and offered him my hand. He grinned and shook it. “It was good doing business with you.”

“Same here. And I’m glad you were able to see reason. Now go devise an excellent punishment for that bastard.” He grinned and left, leaving Cadance behind.

I turned to her before she could say anything. “You are now best princess,” I said. “Now come here.” I wrapped her in a hug. “You need anything, give me a call and I’ll come.” I let her go and fell back into my chair. “So how did you do it?”

She grinned, taking her seat back on the couch. “I threatened to follow him back to Gryphus and talk to him about love every day until the engagement was broken.”

“Oooh, no wonder he gave up.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know the power of love, Nav, even if you like to pretend you don’t. You may not have had the best experience with it, but you’ve spent enough time with the changelings to know that it is a force to be reckoned with when enough of it is taken or given. Everypony should feel that. It should not be denied by a marriage neither partner seeks.”

“You won’t hear me deny that,” I sighed. As much as I’d like to… “How did Celestia and Luna take this news?”

“They don’t know yet. I will tell Celestia when I get back. I imagine she’ll tell Luna tonight. And Navarone, you need to talk to Luna. She is absolutely livid. I do not think she has been this angry with anypony since she gave in to Nightmare Moon.”

“Yeah, I had a feeling she would be pissed at me. How do you suggest I deal with her?”

She looked around the room for a moment before settling her gaze on me. “Navarone, I don’t think there is anything you can do to alleviate her anger right now. The existence of this lovely house offends her. The fact that you went to Chrysalis instead of her offends her. That it was me that decided to help you get out of this engagement enrages her. She is your liege lady and yet your life has nothing to do with her anymore. If you don’t come to her by the week’s end, I imagine she will be sending guards to get you and force you to come to her. And Navarone, if that happens, you will not be able to expect aid from either me or Celestia. We can’t interfere with whatever penance Luna would assign you if she forces you to come to her.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, penance? As in, forcing me to do some bullshit task to reearn her favor? Fuck that shit!”

“I understand that it is not an idea you are comfortable with. However, I know you are smart enough to have realized that asking Chrysalis for aid was not without repercussions. You may not have known what they were, but you knew they were coming. As much as I hate to say it, you brought this one on yourself.”

My shoulders sagged. “Yeah. I suppose I did, this time.” It’s what I get for purposefully pissing off the two most powerful people on the planet. “I’ll see her tomorrow, when I drop off the information for the king. Tell Celestia that, but not Luna. See if you can get her to put off sending guards after me. Also, it would be awesome if you could avoid telling Celestia any of what happened here with Bloodbeak, but I understand if you can’t stay silent about it.”

She shook her head. “Celestia won’t hear a word about it from me. I had a long talk with Shining Armor.” She looked away. “It hurt. I want to say it hurt more than you could imagine, but I know better now.” She looked back at me. “Whatever it’s worth, I’m here for you. Remember that.”

“I know, Cadance.” I let the silence settle for a moment before grinning and saying, “As long as it’s not estrus, at least.” She blushed a bright red and I giggled.

Still blushing, she said, “As… fun… as it would be to continue this, I think it’s time I went back. Shining Armor will be missing me, I’m sure…”

I shook my head. “Nope. First you’re going to go visit Twilight. Then you can go back. If she finds out that you came to visit me but not her, I’d never hear the end of it.”

“I can take a few minutes out of my busy schedule for that… I will see you later, Navarone.”

And just like that, my visitors were gone. I sighed closed my eyes for a moment before I heard Taya failing at sneaking because of her hooves. “Sit down,” I told her, not opening my eyes. She sighed and hopped up in a couch. “Why would you use lightning, of all things? Telekinesis to hold him. Air to just toss him back. A shield to block him. But you chose something potentially lethal. Why?” I finally opened my eyes to look at her and found that she was almost crying. It was at that point that I realized, holy shit, she’s probably terrified at what she did. I wasted no time in jumping over and hugging her. “He’ll be okay, Taya. They’ll fix him up right proper.” I remember how I was after my first kill. I imagined it would be even worse for a little filly, even one like Taya.

“It… it just came to me… I didn’t even think about it… Just… zap…”

I knew this next question was risky, but I had to ask it. “How did it feel?”

She was silent for so long I thought I judged wrong. Finally, she said, “Right. It felt… right. He was a bully that was looking for a reason to hurt you. He deserved what he got.”

I pulled away. “Remember that. He was a bad person. But also remember this: We are not judges. We do not decide who should live or who should die. If you ever had to make a split second life or death choice and killing the other person is your only option, do it without hesitation. But when you can avoid killing, do so every time. You didn’t have to hurt that griffin. I understand that it was just something automatic for you, but in the future, you need to be more careful and judge your responses better. There was no harm done this time, but you might not get so lucky if there’s ever a next time.” Which there probably will be, with my career.

“How… how will I know when to do what?”

“We can talk about that later.” Honestly I figured that would be more of a common sense thing. Maybe it isn’t for ponies. “Are you okay now?” She nodded and I backed away, giving her space. “I still remember my first kill. It isn’t easy. It gets easier with time, though.” And being able to convince yourself that you were in the right makes it even easier.

“What was your first time like?” she quietly asked.

“Whoa!” Doppel said, surprised as fuck. “What did I walk into?” I looked up and saw her and the naga standing in the hall to the kitchen.

“A conversation about my first kill,” I answered. “A conversation that will sadly be put off. The griffins didn’t hurt either of you, did they?”

The naga snorted. “Those feathered cowards wouldn’t dare try to attack someone I protect.” Shit, I wouldn’t either.

“Good. Now how did they get inside?”

Doppel answered, “I went to the door when I heard knocking. I saw that pink princess and considered slamming the door in her face. Before I could, one of the griffins squawked, pointed at me, and yelled something about changelings. The other griffins forced the door open.”

“Well, they didn’t get you. That’s what matters. All these fucking griffins everywhere are starting to piss me off. Next thing you know we’ll get a damn dog in here and he’ll start trying to kill you too.”

She shivered. “I hope not. I still get a bad feeling whenever I see Gilda looking at me.”

“Well, I now have the power to kick her furry ass to the curb. The engagement’s canceled and she owns an estate back in Gryphonia.”

The naga and Doppel were both confused by that. “Engagement?” they both asked.

I shrugged. “We weren’t going to tell anyone. We were forcefully engaged. Now the engagement is broken. I’ll give her the choice to stay here, on the condition that she stops acting like a bitch. Any objections?”

“You keep using that word,” the naga said. “I do not think you know what it means.”

I had a terrifying flashback that I blinked my way out of. “What word? Bitch? It has a different meaning where I come from. It means that the person is not fun to be around and is a jerk. Now like I said, are there any objections?”

“Can’t we just skip the wait part and make her leave?” Doppel asked.

“No. I’m giving her the option. I don’t think she’ll take it, since she has her own estate now, but still. God knows this house would feel lonely enough anyway.”

The naga chuckled. “You would rather have a… bitch as company than be lonely? I worry about you, human.”

“I worry about me, too,” I said with a nod. “But as I said, as long as she cools off, she can stay. Now, I need to put all the stuff in the yard away and then I need to start writing something. I wish I could continue practicing, but I need to start on this now or I might not finish in time.”

The naga shrugged. “You owe me tomorrow, then.”

“I can give you some of it. Unfortunately, I have to go to Canterlot sometime tomorrow, and after that, there’s no telling what’ll happen. I really hope things will calm down soon. I swear, I never want to go to another party again if this is the kind of shit that happens after them. When I put my tools and materials up, I’ll be upstairs. Send Gilda up when she gets back.”

I went out back. Doppel and the naga followed me. None of what I got was really that heavy, but I wasn’t going to complain about help.

“You really are tiny, human,” the naga commented as he casually pulled something that I was carrying with two hands away from me. “And yet it seems everything here is afraid of you. When I threatened the griffins, they paused but were edging to attack. And yet when you stepped in, they backed down. Why is that?”

“A few reasons. Bloodbeak is a friend of mine. He needed something from me. I have a reputation. And I was in the right. I’m not going to let anyone hurt anyone that’s loyal to me, as I said before.” I patted Doppel on the head. She was fighting a smile by pretending to glare at me. I wanted to reach down and pinch her cheek, but that was really close to her fangs and she had a carapace anyway.

“I will keep that in mind, human,” the naga answered. “So what are you going to do with all of these tools?”

“Build weapons. I won’t have time to learn blacksmithing, but I should be able to find what I need for a one-shot pistol in town. It won’t be too accurate, but fuck if it won’t surprise the hell out of anyone I shoot it at.” The only reason I didn’t build one before is because I knew Twilight would be snooping around putting her nose where it did not belong.

“What is a pistol?”

“Human thing. Don’t worry about it. I will also attempt to build you a ranged weapon, but no promises about how accurate it will be.”

He shrugged. “Anything is better than nothing. It will be amusing to show to the rest of the clan, if nothing else.”

A few minutes of putting stuff up later, I was sitting back in my office, forging a new government for the griffins. This involved a lot of back and forth with Flo and it also involved some alcohol. I’m not going to lie: I don’t know much about the United Kingdom, its government, or its constitution. I knew there was a Magna Carta. That was pretty much it. So instead I was bastardizing all kinds of things from my world. The basis was the United States constitution, because that’s what I knew the most about. That and honestly, it covered most everything it needed to. I made sure to include a disclaimer at the top that mentioned it covered all sapient races.

I was writing at a pretty good clip when my door flew open. I finished my sentence and looked up to see Gilda. “The engagement’s broken, your dad’s in jail, you own his estate. Stay or leave, but if you stay stop being a bitch.” I looked back down and continued writing.

She reached across the desk, grabbed me by the shirt, and pulled me up. “What did you say?”

“Cadance came through for us. The king canceled the engagement. When he came here to tell me the news, your dad tried attacking me. The king said he is removing your dad’s titles now and that you would be given his estate. You are free to stay in my house if you want, but I’m kicking your ass to the curb if you don’t stop your shit. Now put me down.”

She didn’t put me down. Instead, she pulled me into a very tight hug. “I hope you taught that bastard a lesson!” I found myself thrown onto her back. “I know just the way to celebrate, too!”

“Well, I can take a break…”

In the morning, I had the draft finished and waiting for the king’s approval. He might not have liked every part of it, but I was ready to debate it all. I also had a list of detailed instructions for how the first parliament should be chosen until the people got used to the idea of voting. And the most important piece of information I had was a draft for a peace treaty with the changelings. I was going to give that to him and see what he thought. I wouldn’t try to force him to do anything with it, though.

I was leaning back in my chair with a small smile on my face and glazed eyes when Doppel walked in. “Breakfast is ready… master.”

I blinked. “What did you call me?” I noticed she was back in the maid outfit. “And why are you wearing that?”

She looked away. “I did some thinking. I’ve been working as a spy for the queen all of my life, usually spying on various high ranking officials. I’ve seen how they treat their servants. You are better than the vast majority of them by a very large margin. And… so far, you’ve treated me better than Chrysalis would have even considered. I think I like working for you better, and since I have no real choice on the matter, I’ve decided to give it a go.”

“That doesn’t require you to call me master or wear that outfit.” She shrugged. “I can’t talk you out of this, can I?”

“Nope. You made the mistake of being nice. I’m yours, now.”

Sometimes I hate myself. I just sighed and said, “Whatever. You said breakfast is done. What about you? Have you been able to go into town to eat?”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. Chrysalis wouldn’t care, she would just assume that I was keeping up with myself. No, I haven’t been, but I’m also not hungry. I don’t know why.”

“Well that simply won’t do. You need to eat, even if you’re not hungry.” I stood up and walked over. “If you refuse to take it fresh, you can have some memories. Lord knows I have enough by now.”

“Are you trying to make me fat? I told you that I’m not hungry.”

“You are still a biological creature and you need some manner of food. Now come on, take some memories or something.” I knelt down.

She thought for a moment. “I’ll eat if you eat. Taya told me about how you don’t take care of yourself.”

“That’s different.”

“Oh? How is it different?”

“Because I don’t actually need to eat all that often. You just don’t feel hungry. I eat when I think I need to.”

She shrugged. “That’s the deal, Na—master. I’ll eat if you eat.”

I sighed. “Fine. You better know how to cook, though. If you made some kind of swill, the deal’s off.”

Her horn lit up and nothing happened. I pulled my ring off and felt a tug at my mind. I drew up a memory of the night before and let her have it. “So that’s why she was walking funny today…” she commented as the light around her horn died. “Hm… I might have to try your lust from the tap one day.”

I grinned and stood. “Wouldn’t that be me taking advantage of a maid? I thought that was frowned upon.”

She turned around and walked back off into the hall, tail lifted high to give me a nice view. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

Things are finally starting to look up.

Gilda flew with me to Canterlot. She said she needed to talk to her mom about the estate. I don’t really know why she decided to fly with me, given that I’m apparently really slow, but I welcomed the company. It was pretty fun, given she had some insane distance to her vision and kept pointing out things I never noticed or paid attention to.

We got to Canterlot around one or so. “Remember, meet me at the maze at three. We can start from there,” I told her.

“Yeah, yeah. Just be there on time; I don’t want to be left waiting.” She went off to find her mother while I went off to find the king.

It didn’t take me long to find him sitting in the garden outside the room I hate. He looked up as I approached. “One thing I miss,” he said, “is having any time off. To just sit and relax. Being a king does not give you that luxury. But being an old king occasionally demands it anyway. Sit, Navarone. I assume you brought me the documents?”

I passed him the folders. “One constitution, one set of instructions, and one draft of a peace treaty with the changelings. Consider it your second-to-last gift to your people while you still hold the power to give it.”

He set the treaty folder down, but didn’t comment. He opened the other two and began to read. He looked up half an hour later to find me leaning against the tree, juggling knives. “Most of the terms here are acceptable. I don’t like some of them, but I recognize their importance. Navarone, we spoke of some things in our discussions, but you kept one thing unclear to me: Time. How long did it take you humans to develop that which you are freely giving?”

As soon as he began to talk I put the knives away. “‘You humans’ is a broad term. You know we aren’t unified. The easiest answer is that when I left, no one knew the answer. It also begs the question of who the first republic or whatever was. I don’t know the answer to that. If you want to go the easy route and start at what we consider year zero, I can say that it took… Shit, seventeen hundred years for my country to be formed. There were democracies or republics before that, though. Long story short, it took a long damn time and more spilt blood than could fit in an ocean.” I shrugged. “There ain’t nothing wrong with a monarchy, as long as the king or whatever is a good ruler. Humans… We had some not-so-good rulers. A good number of them died of unnatural causes.”

He looked away to some flowers that were in bloom. “Do you think we would have ever evolved to what you have naturally?”

“Not while Celestia was alive. Take from that statement what you want.”

He looked back down to the folders in front of him and picked up the treaty folder. “What do you expect from me, Nav? The lion within me demands bloodshed and slaughter of the parasites. The eagle within me relishes the thought of hunting down such weak prey. But the king in me desires peace. I know it would probably be an unpopular choice, but… I am not going to lie: I do not like changelings. At all. But what you said the first day we met was true. They are very useful in a fight. They are just as useful when fighting against you as they are fighting for you, as long as they are led well.”

“Think about it,” I said. “And don’t just think about it from the perspective of a griffin. Think about it as though you were Celestia. What seems like a very good way to keep two species that border your country that use ponies as natural prey under control? Keep them at war with each other, or at the very least, keep them to the point where they know as soon as they declare war on the ponies, the other power will attack them when they’re weak. If you are constantly in a state of contention with the changelings, you will forever be weak against your neighbors to the south. The same goes for the changelings.”

“…You’re right. By my feathers, are you ever right.” He closed his eyes, muttering several things very quickly. “She must think me a fool! And I was, for so long… But now I see her game. So many minor incidents, all leading up to the kidnapping of Hestra…” He looked over to me. “She used you. Used me. That dark sister of hers knew exactly what she was doing and they both knew exactly what your punishment would be!” He grabbed all three of the folders and stood. “But these will damage their filthy plans, whatever they might be. I see the pieces being moved, but I do not know to what end. Be careful, Navarone. In the game of thrones, pawns are only useful as long as they are in a good position. And when their use ends… Well, sometimes sacrifices must be made. Now, I need to get back to my rooms and prepare to leave. I have a feeling we will see each other again, my friend.” He spread his wings and shot into the sky.

“Flo, what just happened?”

She took a few seconds to respond. “One of two things. First, he just cracked. Second, he just realized Celestia has a plot going on involving the griffins, the changelings, and you.”

I rolled my shoulders, turning to go back into the palace. “I wouldn’t say either of those was impossible.” I started looking for Cadance. A few questions and mindless flirts later, I found her playing with her kid. “Want to help me prank Celestia?” I asked.

“What kind of prank?” She was understandably a little nervous; pranking the princess didn’t always end well.

“It’s a safe one. It shouldn’t do much more than annoy her.”

She looked down at the wee one and bit her lip. “Can it wait a few minutes?”

I looked over at the clock on the wall. “I’m not planning on starting it for another hour. When you’re ready, meet me at the maze.”

“I’ll see you there, then.” And now I had the mage I needed. I knew that Celestia would either be in Day Court hearing all manner of problems or she would be closeted away with a diplomat or something. Either way, she wouldn’t be able to bother us. I would only have to worry about nosy servants.

I went to the front of the maze and started walking around, looking at the statue garden they had set up out there. One of the statues there struck me as eerily familiar. It was some kind of fuck-ugly amalgamation of monsters, set into some kind of exalted pose. “Why do you look so familiar?” I muttered, walking around it. I reached out and rapped it with my knuckles, finding that for some reason the damn thing was hollow. “Well, whatever the reason is, looks like it’s show time.” I could see Gilda and Cadance both approaching from different sides. They came on over to me.

“So what’s the plan?” Gilda asked.

“Long story short, I want to transfer all of the furniture from her bedroom into one of her sitting rooms and vice versa.”

“That’s a stupid prank,” Gilda answered. “Let’s do something bigger.”

I held up a hand. “Now, now, there’s a reason I want to do that sitting room. Long story short, it’s the place where she makes me go every time we want to meet. That place is evil and I want it to suffer. But if you can think of a better idea, I’m listening.”

“The basic idea is alright. Boring and simple, but alright. I’m just thinking… bigger. That dark princess is asleep right now, right? Move all of the sitting room stuff to Celestia’s pad, move all of Darkie’s stuff to the sitting room, move all of Celestia’ stuff to Darkie’s room.”

I scratched my beard. “Luna is a pretty heavy sleeper…” I looked over to Cadance. “Think you can teleport that much stuff without it being too problematic? I say we clear out the sitting room and put all of its shit into the courtyard, teleport Luna and her room, then teleport Celestia’s room, and then put all of the sitting room stuff in Celestia’s room.”

“I can do that. But why Luna? Wouldn’t that just make her even more angry with you?”

“That bitch stabbed me with her horn. I owe her more than this.” I pulled out my key and passed it to her. “If you find a locked door, use that. You go wait near Luna’s room. I’ll send Gilda your way when we get the sitting room cleared. You teleport in as soon as you get Luna and her stuff our way. We can situate that room so it looks exactly like hers, then Gilda and I can fly to Luna’s room and you teleport the stuff to us so we can start arranging it. We’ll meet back in Celestia’s room when all of the sitting room stuff is there. Questions?”

Gilda asked, “What do we do if we get caught?”

“Depends on who catches us. If it’s a day guard, tell them we’re helping Cadance. If it’s a night guard, tell them you’re helping me. If it’s a female servant, hope to God I can seduce or bribe her. If it’s a guy, hope we can bribe him. If it’s a princess, we’re boned. Ready?” They shrugged. “Let’s go, then.”

A few minutes later, Gilda and I had the sitting room cleared out. It wasn’t exactly an easy task, but it was a fun one. I was about to poke my head out the window to tell Gilda to go tell Cadance to start with Luna when the door opened and a maid walked right in. She looked around, blinking, before her eyes settled on me.

“Hi,” I said, quickly turning around and leaning against the window.

“Sir Navarone… why is this room empty? I was supposed to clean it today.”

I shrugged. “Well, I guess your job got a lot easier.”

She looked behind me. “Why is some of the furniture out in the garden?”

I looked behind me. “Huh.” I turned back. “You know, I don’t know. I didn’t even notice. I’m sure it’s there for a good reason, though. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.”

“Sir Navarone, are you… doing something you shouldn’t be?”

I gave her my most winning grin. “What do I have to do to get you to not say anything?”

She eyed my hands and gave me a smile I knew very well. “I’ve heard a few rumors about you and your… hands.”

“I’ll prove those rumors true if you promise to stay quiet.”

I bet Gilda was very confused when she started hearing moans through the open window. A few minutes later, I left a satisfied maid to clean up a small puddle and joined Gilda in the garden. “Go tell Cadance,” I told her, licking my fingers clean. I gave her directions to Luna’s room.

“Nav, what were you doing in there?”

I shrugged. “Maid walked in.” She eyed my wet fingers and grinned before flying off. A few minutes later, I heard stuff start teleporting in. I poked my head inside and saw Luna curling away from the sudden brightness, somehow still sleeping. Probably should have thought about that one before we teleported her in. I shrugged and watched the rest of her stuff teleport in. Cadance and Gilda followed all of the crap. As quietly as we all could, we rearranged all her stuff to look like it usually did.

It wasn’t nearly as much fun as I was hoping.

Anyway, Cadance took off to Celestia’s room and Gilda and I went to Luna’s room. We repeated the process there and finally finished it off with the sitting room stuff. Cadance passed the key back as we all got comfortable.

“So what now?” Gilda asked, reclining on one of the couches.

I tilted my head, looking at the couch. “I think we had sex on that once…” Gilda just shrugged. “Now you make up your mind about what you want to do. Go back to Ponyville or go with the griffins. Or something else. I need to go into town. Cadance can go back to torturing her foal.”

“I don’t torture foals, Nav. I tenderly love them.”

Gilda and I shared a look. “What’s the difference?” I finally asked.

Cadance snorted. “For your mind, I somewhat doubt there is one.” Ouch.

“Point for you. I’ll see you both later.” I hopped out the window and flew off into town. My first stop was the night guard alley barroom. There was only a single sleepy guard inside, but he was able to give me the information I needed.

I flew to the travel agency and realized how fucktarded I was as soon as I got near it. “How did I not notice that giant flying ship?” I asked no one.

Flo decided to answer, “Because you weren’t paying attention.”

Can’t really deny that… I flew up to the deck of the ship and landed. I slipped my ring on in case I ran into the crazy bitch. With that precaution in place, I began searching the ship. I found the chick that had been trying to seduce me all those years ago. “Where’s the captain?” I asked.

“Navarone? What are you doing up here?”

“Looking for some information.”

“Well, as far as I know, he’s in his cabin. All the way in the back, on the right. Say… are you doing anything tonight?”

“Sadly, yes. I need to get yelled at by Luna and then I need to go to the Everfree forest. Is the captain alone? I really don’t want to walk in on him plowing some mare.”

“He should be. Why is the princess yelling at you?”

“Long story. I pissed her off. I might tell you later. Now, though, I need to talk to the captain. I’ll see you later, my dear.” She smiled at that. I walked on down the hall and knocked on the captain’s door.

A gruff “Come in” answered me. I pushed the door open and recoiled at the briny stench inside.

“Holy shit,” I whispered as I walked in. The place was just riddled in salt. The captain’s eyes were bloodshot and his lips and nose were shriveled. The bloodshot eyes widened when they saw me. “Dude, what the fuck happened?”

“N-Navarone… I…” He looked away. “No pony wants a ship with a bad history.”

I crossed my arms. “And even fewer want a captain with a drug problem.” He looked down. I sighed and dropped my arms. “I told you not to turn to drugs. It’ll make you feel better in the short run, but in the end it’ll just make everything worse. Christ…” I ran a hand through my hair. “I was going to offer you a job. A big job. At least a year’s charter. I don’t know if I can trust you to be reliable now.”

His head jerked up at the mention of a job. “I can get clean. I just need a chance! We barely get enough jobs to keep this boat in the air.”

I looked around the room. On one hand, I really needed this guy and his crew. They were the only ones I could trust. But on the other hand, I really didn’t want to trust a drug addict to come through for me.

I looked back at him. “Meet me on the surface in half an hour. Directly under this boat. Bring all the salt you have.”

He looked around, licking his lips with a dry tongue. “Alright,” he finally said. “Half an hour.” I nodded and left his room.

I just sighed as I walked back out. I saw the crazy one on the deck, looking off the side. I walked to the side she wasn’t on and jumped off before she could yell at me or whatever. It wasn’t until I was halfway to the ground that I remembered I was wearing my ring.

Let me tell you, that was a very frantic two seconds.

I hit the ground hard, just barely bringing my wings up in time to slow my descent. Thankfully, I hit legs first. Not so thankfully, it still felt like I broke something. I limped to the nearest bench and sat down, ignoring all the looks I got from the ponies in the street. Flo was chastising me the entire way, even though I’m pretty sure she already knew just how much good it would do.

Twenty-five minutes of pain later, a rope ladder was thrown down the side of the ship and the unicorn descended, carrying a large canvas sack on his back. I had no idea why he didn’t teleport. When he got down, he quickly walked over to me, dropping the bag in front of me.

“I don’t suppose you could heal me?” I asked.

“What did you do?”

“Landed badly. Fucked my leg up. I don’t think it’s broken, but I know it hurts.”

His horn lit up and sparks flew out. He grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his horn to my leg. It took about half a minute, but he finally managed to get something through and I felt the pain subside. He collapsed on the bench next to me, panting.

“You healed me once before,” I said. “What happened between then and now?”

“I’m heavily dehydrated, my head is killing me, and I haven’t practiced healing magic in months.”

“Whatever.” I stood up and grabbed the bag of salt, slinging it over a shoulder. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” he asked, sitting up and pushing himself off the bench.

“A small restaurant I passed on the way here. We’re going to find out if they’re any good.” Thankfully, he shut up and just followed me. It didn’t take us long to get there. It wasn’t quite dinner and it was well past lunch, so we were quickly seated.

I barely spared the menu a glance. He didn’t seem that interested either. He spent most of his time looking at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. With our orders and menus taken, I leaned back. “In a little less than a year, I want your ship. Right at the start of spring, to be exact.”

“Do you have any destination in mind?”

I paused as the waitress refilled his cup of water for the fourth time. When she was out of earshot, I answered, “Several. All around the world. That would include the Arctic and possibly Antarctic. It would also include the continent to the south of this one, where I’ve heard almost no one has ever successfully visited.”

He looked down at the table. “That’s a pretty hefty destination list…” He looked back up. “Why?”

I shook my head. “I won’t answer that until we’re underway. Until then, you’ll have to be content with the reasoning that I’m paying you, and that I’m paying you a lot.”

I heard him drumming his back hooves on the floor. “It’s risky, Nav. You’re asking us to go to places our boat wasn’t really designed to go.”

“Can you do it?”

“…It’ll cost you. In advance. We have to modify the entire ship if we’re going to go into the icy gales of the arctic.”

“Give me numbers.”

He closed his eyes, moving his head to face the ceiling. I could see his lips barely moving. After a minute, he said, “At least seven thousand bits. That should cover everything, including your year.”

“How much would it cost to make sure neither of the princesses ever hear about this?”

“Nothing but you asking. We owe you that much.”

I nodded. “I’ll have the bits to you before the week is out. Just note, though: I won’t be the only passenger. We’ll have at least one filly joining us. We might also have a dragon, a griffin, a naga, and a cat, but none of those are certain yet. Knowing my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others.”

He shrugged. “We have rooms aplenty. Keep it under thirty and we’ll be fine. Although… how big is the dragon? Our cabins aren’t that large…”

That could be a problem… “She can sleep in the cargo hold, can’t she?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. It might be a little bit tight with all the supplies and ballast we’ll be carrying, but I imagine she can make it homey. Getting in and out of it might be a problem, though.”

“We’ll figure something out. As long as the boat is ready to go come spring, I’ll be happy. And I’ll be coming by periodically to make sure you stay clean. You may be getting an advance pay, but if you fuck me over by either letting the princesses get wind of this or by picking up another bad habit, I’ll make you pay somehow. Now, let’s eat.”

When I was finished with the unicorn, I grabbed his bag of salt and dropped it off at the night guard bar. Supposedly, most of them don’t use that stuff, but I figured it could save the barkeeper some money.

And then I finally got to return to the palace. I went straight to the library and read until it was around the time for Luna to wake up. How did I know what time she was waking up?

I think half the palace heard her scream of rage. It did not take me very long to decide to continue reading in silence for a few hours.

When I deemed it safe—or at least, as safe as I thought it was going to be—I went to the throne room. I peeked my head in and saw her glaring at the wall with a face like she had eaten a lemon. I said a quick prayer, made sure my ring was on, and let the rest of myself inside.

Her glare at the wall was transferred to me. “Yoooooou!” she hissed. It sounded like a curse. She jumped down from her throne, stalking toward me. “Yoooooooooooou!” She stopped right in front of me, just staring at me with eyes full of hate.

I grinned and booped her on the nose. She tried to slap me across the face, but by now, I was pretty good at dodging those. “Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died?”

In hindsight, that might not have been the smartest thing to have said. I wasn’t in any kind of mood to try and fight Luna, but that seemed to have pissed her off enough that she stopped listening to my attempts to reason with her.

So it was that the majority of the guards that night saw me running away from a raving moon princess as quickly as my human legs would take me. She was, on average, faster than I was, but I was leading the chase, so I was able to stay ahead through dexterity, dodging down halls, and occasionally bursting through open windows.

It finally ended when I misjudged the distance between me and a window and got plowed in the side just as I was trying to jump through. I ended up being held down by a panting, pissed pony princess precariously poised on the precipice—dammit, not again! I got held down by an angry Luna.

I mentally prepared myself for the beating of a lifetime until I realized she was giggling. “It’s been too long since I had that much fun,” she sighed, collapsing on top of me and pushing me all the way to the floor. “Don’t think you’re off the hook. But that was fun.” She reached a hoof up and slammed it into my stomach. “That is for going to Chrysalis instead of me.” She pulled another hoof back and slammed it into the floor where my torso had been a second earlier. She corrected her stance and held me down harder before punching me again. “And that is for disappearing for a week without telling anypony.” She slammed another hoof into me. “That is for asking Cadance for help.”

“I didn’t! She said she was going to!”

“Then it’s for not telling her to stop helping.” She punched me one more time, this time in the chest, the exact spot where she stabbed me. “And that is for making me wake up in that horrid sitting room.”

As I’m sure you can imagine, I was in a lot of fucking pain at that point. I wasn’t in enough pain to not be pissed, though. “You deserve nothing better, after those dreams. Don’t even try to pretend that was an accident.”

She lifted another hoof to strike me, but brought it down to the floor with a crunch. “I can’t try to justify it,” she weakly whispered. “No pony deserved that.” She sighed and pulled herself off me. I lifted a hand to rub at my chest. “Things have changed so much,” she whispered, looking away from me. “You take things for granted, Nav. Things I consider normal are now taboo. Things I considered forbidden are everyday. It will take years for me to figure out all of the smaller nuances I’m missing.” She finally looked to me. “When I think I’m ready, are you still willing to give me a second chance?”

“As of now, no. There are no words and no redemption for what you did. While the ponies that experienced it still live, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”

“I suppose I can expect nothing better…” She was silent for a short moment before saying, “In the winter, I am restarting an old tradition. Celestia has her Gala. Europe has its party. I… used to have something like that. But I went down the path of being ignored a long time ago. Now that I find myself in a world where the young prefer the night and... different kinds of parties, I decided I would change the theme of my party. You are invited to the… ugh, Rambunctiously Radical Rave. Attending that is one option for your punishment. The other is you taking a squire.”

I hate being a knight. “Party it is, then. Send me details or something when it’s time.” I felt my wings sag. “I’m tired of fucking parties…”

“Welcome to the life of luxury. However, unlike some of us, I have duties.” She sighed. “Navarone, know that while I am angry with you, you are still my knight. If you ever get into an emergency like what happened with Twilight, please come to me. You don’t know how insulting and painful it is that my knight went to another nation’s ruler for aid when he hit hard times.” Actually, I do. That’s exactly why I did it. “I wish I could at least visit the house you obtained, but I am still trapped in this city.” She paused, hoping I would say something. I didn’t. She sighed and continued, “One day, you will need to get a squire. But I suppose you can push it off for now. When you do… How about Spike? I know a pony would look better for my reputation, but I would love to have a dragon as a knight again. The last one was killed when Ponero burned…”

“I am not looking for a squire right now. I don’t think I could train a pony anyway. I don’t fight like one.” Besides, I would probably take Pip, anyway. I don’t want Spike to get tied to the ponies like me. I stood, finally getting off the floor. My front body hurt, and I decided to fight back the next time she tried that shit. “I need to get back to the forest. Back to work with you.” After all, I can just imagine the line of ponies waiting to talk to her.

She seemed to be thinking the same thing, the way her face seemed to fall. “I’ll see you later, Nav. I… I don’t suppose you can come and visit more often? You know I get lonely and I’m sure you do as well.”

Not with Flo in my head, I don’t. “I’ll think about it. I’ve been doing stuff for friends recently, though.” Ah, the casual implication that I didn’t consider her a friend. I know it has to feel good. “Have fun, Luna.” I pulled my ring off and hopped out the window that thwarted me before, flying away and back to the forest.

Chapter Sixty-Seven—I just can’t hold all this responsibility

Chapter Sixty-Seven—I just can’t hold all this responsibility

Midday the following day saw me getting my ass kicked by the naga again. We had been going at it for hours and I was blindingly hungry for some reason. Hell, I was even getting tired.

As I sit and write this, I believe I have figured out more of my physiology. The main reason I avoided needing to eat so much is because I didn’t really do much of anything. Go on walks, occasionally fly around, read, and write. Now that I was forced to work out, my body was using considerably more energy, more than I could get from the sun with just the hair on the top of my head.

So when Applejack and Pinkie showed up and asked if I was down for a picnic, I jumped on the opportunity. They forced me to bring Doppel and Taya and would have tried forcing me to bring the naga if he would have let them. Gilda went home with the assurance that she would probably be back as soon as she got her land sold and her mother taken care of.

The four of us went to a nice patch of land between the town and my pad and joined a small picnic that was mostly set up. Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash were already there. “What took you so long?” Dash asked, lifting up her sunglasses to peer at us.

“Nav here had to get cleaned up,” Applejack answered.

Rarity nodded approvingly and replied, “At least some of us understand the necessities of cleanliness.” She cast a disapproving glance at Rainbow Dash. “You could learn a lesson from our good friend Nav.”

Dash scoffed. “Clean up just to get dirty at a picnic? Why waste the time?”

“Normally, I agree with Dash,” I commented, joining them on their checker blanket. Doppel awkwardly hung back, probably not feeling like she belonged. Taya sat next to me. “But I didn’t want to get blood or a ton of sweat over anything.”

Normally that would be an invitation to a ton of questions, but a very frazzled looking Twilight and a normal looking Cadance joined our group. You can always tell when Twilight’s having one of her little breakdowns because her hair starts to get very messy and her eyes take on the look like she’s going to cut you if you open your mouth. Because of this, I was extremely well-versed in her monthly heat cycle, and today was not supposed to be one of those days she was like this.

“Jesus, what the hell happened?” I asked her.

She flinched when I spoke. “I think the library might be haunted…” she whispered, looking down.

Most of the ponies rolled their eyes at that and Cadance said, “I tried telling her that ghosts aren’t real, but…”

“Actually, ghosts are real,” I said. “I’ve met one. He said he was going to the griffin kingdom, though, so this probably isn’t him. I don’t have any crosses, but I can probably dig up the Lord’s Prayer from my memories if you want me to go perform an exorcism.”

They all looked at me like I was stupid before turning back to Twilight. Rarity said, “What’s wrong, dear?”

“Books keep changing order! Every time I turn my back on my quills, they move. Owlicious keeps hitting weird pockets of air and falling off course… It’s just been a really weird few days.” She sighed, pulling herself together. “But this is supposed to be a fun day. Spike should be here soon with some more food.”

“Well that’s good!” Pinkie said. “Cupcakes are great, but they’ll only last us so long. Especially with the way Nav’s been eyeing them.” Pinkie gave me one of her signature fake scary looks that basically amounted to ‘touch my cupcakes if you dare.’

Cadance smiled at that. “I didn’t think you even had a sweet tooth, Nav.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been exercising a lot lately and it is increasing my need for food more than I thought possible.”

When I mentioned exercising Dash looked up. “You’re finally trying to get in shape? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m trying to get in shape, not kill myself.”

“Well shoot,” AJ said. “You shoulda come to me! We got all kinds of work on the farm that you could do to help you get back in a good shape.” She poked me in the side. “A shape other than a line.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with my shape? I thought you country folk were supposed to like line dancing.”

That got Pinkie to perk up. “Oooh, a new dance?” Everyone averted their gaze, not wanting to be volunteered by Pinkie for a dance. I hope Doppel was smart enough to not be looking at her.

We were saved by the timely arrival of Spike with food. Cadance’s horn lit up and grabbed the overly large basket from his hands, not that he needed the help. I felt a weight settle on my head as the basket floated to the center of the group. I poked the thing on the top of my head and found that it was a small bug pony.

“Hey Rarity, what do you think of my new fashion accessory?” I asked.

She lifted an eyebrow at Doppel. “It could do with a bit of sprucing up. Black is out this season, darling.” I heard something shift on my head and fought the urge to look up. Rarity smirked and I saw smiles from some of the other ponies. “Pink is more in style, I suppose.” I didn’t want to know.

Rainbow didn’t pay much attention to me or my hat. She was looking at the two baskets of food. “So what’s on the menu?”

Spike shrugged. “I didn’t go all out. A few sandwiches. Some potato salad. Something else for me and Nav.” Dash’s ears sunk at hearing that, but it didn’t stop her from opening the basket and pulling out a sandwich.

“Something for us?” I asked. “You been doing something I told you not to?”

“Nah, I haven’t been in the forest.” He grabbed the basket Rainbow didn’t touch and pulled it toward himself. “Gilda has, though.” He sat next to me and pulled out a steak. This can’t end well… He held it above his head and shot some fire at it before trying to hand it to me.

I gave him my best ‘what the fuck’ look. “Really Spike?” I whispered. He blinked, confused. My wings sagged before I shrugged, pulled a knife out, and let him impale the steak. I really don’t like eating meat in front of pony friends, but the cat was pretty much out of the bag on this one.

None of them commented as we ate, though we both got more than a few looks.

“So what’s with that naga, anyway?” Rainbow finally asked me. The ponies had been talking amongst themselves, bickering and bantering as only friends can. Dash finally decided to join my small group. “He looks cool and all, but why’s he here?”

“He’s teaching me how to use a sword. I have no idea how to fight and given my line of work, I figured it was high time to learn.”

“I bet you’re giving him a nice what-for, huh?”

I shook my head, smiling. “Other way around. He’s the reason I had to go to the dentist.” She shivered when I mentioned that. “I told you it wouldn’t end well.”

Rainbow sighed. “Four hours, Nav! Four hours in the dentist’s chair as she poked and prodded my teeth. That mare ain’t right in the head.”

I patted her on the head, earning myself a baleful glare. “I had the same luck, Dash.”

“Who are you two talking about?” Spike asked.

“Colgate,” we both answered. I said, “She mentioned wanting to play with your teeth, Spike. Avoid her as much as you can.”

“Hmmm… That sounds like it could be fun,” he said.

“Dude, don’t,” Dash said. “Nav and I both struck out with her. She’s crazy.”

He blinked a few times. “I’m talking about getting my teeth cleaned. My normal brushes get torn to shreds. What were you two talking about?”

Dash and I looked at each other before smirking. It was hard to talk and not laugh, but I managed to say, “Nothing, bro. Have fun with that.”

“Yeah. I’m sure you’ll have good time. Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll give you a happy ending!”

“A lollipop would be nice…” he commented. “I may not be a kid anymore, but that doesn’t mean the simple things in life aren’t fun.”

He may not be a kid, but that doesn’t mean he’s grown up.

“So where’s Gilda, anyway?” Rainbow asked. “She didn’t come by today.”

“She left for home in a hurry yesterday. Something family related came up. She said she might be back soon.”

She shrugged and was about to say something else when AJ interrupted our small gathering. “Hey Rainbow, you up for frisbee?” We looked over and saw her somehow whirling one around her hooves.

“Sure.” She hopped up and flew over. The last thing I heard from her was something about “making it a competition.”

Spike turned to me. “Nav, you gotta come back to the library. Twilight’s going nuts.”

“Dude, I have a house now. Why would I go back to the relatively cramped library?”

“Somepony needs to calm her down and everything that used to work isn’t. Ever since you left, it’s getting disorganized. The funny thing is that I don’t remember you even doing that much. I don’t think it’s a ghost, but whatever it is, it’s running Twilight ragged.”

An uncomfortable thought came to mind. “Are you sure it isn’t just a call for attention? She really wanted me to come back. Maybe she thinks she can convince me to go to the library if she acts out.”

He shook his head. “We both know Twilight isn’t like that. If I didn’t know any better, I would say Rainbow Dash or Pinkie was pranking us.”

“Either way, I’m not coming back.” I shrugged. “If she drives you too far up the wall, you’re welcome to stay with me for as long as you want.”

He grimaced. “I think we both know how that would end. If you think she’s frantic now, wait until you see how she gets when she thinks everypony is abandoning her.”

“…Has that happened before?”

He sighed. “We don’t talk about those days, Nav. Now come on, let’s go join them at frisbee.” He hopped up, but I didn’t move.

“Nah, man. My bones hurt from all the exercise,” and beatings, “I’ve gotten lately. Relaxing sounds much better right now.”

“Psh, whatever. What about your hat? Or is she asleep?”

I shrugged. “Doppel?” No answer. “I guess she’s out.” He shrugged and ran off to go join the girls. “You’re welcome to go too, Taya.” She didn’t grace that with a response. I didn’t figure she would, sadly.

I also wasn’t expecting Fluttershy to plop down where Spike was, though she sat much closer. She eyed the picnic basket Spike pulled the meat out of. “Nav…”

“I’ll talk to him,” I answered. “I expected him to be smarter than that.” It was considered seriously poor form to eat meat in front of ponies when you were in an Equestrian social setting. Political functions, sure. At a picnic with pony friends? No.

She nodded and slowly closed the basket. I don’t think there was any meat inside, but ponies have more sensitive noses than I do. If not more sensitive, they were different; she might have been able to smell it.

I rolled my shoulders and said, “I figured you’d be with the others. Weren’t you complaining about how you felt left out?”

She looked toward the group playing with a frisbee consisting of Dash, AJ, Pinkie, and Spike. Rarity and Twilight were watching. “I’m not very athletic… And Twilight and Rarity are watching more than they’re talking.”

“Sometimes it’s just nice to sit and be with them,” I commented. “If it’s been a while, you should do that.”

“And leave you and Taya alone?” She darted a quick look to Doppel. “Well, sort of alone. You’re just as welcome to join them as I am, but you’re still here.”

“Taya is too young to watch them play that game; they get too violent for her innocent eyes.” That earned me a ‘hmph’ and a baleful glare from an annoyed daughter. “Hey, where’s Cadance?”

I heard Cadance answer, “Right behind you.” She didn’t stay there for long, opting instead to be in front of me. “Is that normal for her?” she asked, looking at the top of my head.

“It isn’t the first time she’s done it, no. I suppose it’s warm, or something. I have to admit, I’m surprised to see you out here again so soon.”

“Well, when you forced me to visit Twilight, she invited me to a picnic with all of her friends. It has been a while since I just took some time off, so here I am.”

Took some time off? That implies you have a job. “Having fun?” I asked.

“Some. It’s nice seeing you interacting with friends.” She plopped down in front of us. “Since I usually bump into you in Canterlot, it’s easy to forget you have a normal life.”

I put one hand on Fluttershy’s back and the other on Taya’s. “Yeah, I’m surrounded by them. It’s a good way to keep warm in winter, as fluffy as they are. As for a normal life… It’s nice to pretend.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “You know, the biggest component for a normal life is love.”

“Yeah, and look where trying that got me. Stabbed in the chest and treated like trash. I’ll take a nice little break from that, thank you.”

Fluttershy whispered, “Romantic love isn’t the only love.”

I scratched Taya’s back. “I know. I have Taya here to remind me.”

Cadance grinned, perhaps using her innate love powers to sense weakness. “Friendship is only possible because of love, Nav.”

“You don’t say.” I had been over this love shit with her before. This was a new tactic, though.

“In fact…” She looked at the arm connecting me to Fluttershy. “All those talks about how you couldn’t love… I dare say you’ve been in love since you got here.”

“…Cadance, have you been smoking crack?”

She blinked a few times and was presumably about to reply when Doppel butted her way in. “She’s right you know,” her squeaky tiny voice said. “It all tastes the same.”

“New rule: If you’re using me as a bed, you aren’t allowed to help people that are trying to torture me.” I heard tiny wings flutter to life and she flew over to Fluttershy’s mane, settling amongst her pink tresses. “Okay, another new rule: If you live in my house and feed off me, you aren’t allowed to help people that are trying to torture me.” She sighed but didn’t rejoin me, preferring instead to crawl deeper into the caves of Fluttershy’s hair.

Cadance was grinning at me. “I think the princess of love and a changeling know what they’re talking about when it comes to love, Nav.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re smoking crack. Fluttershy and Taya, pay no attention to Cadance. She’s a drug addict.”

“Daddy, don’t make me hug you.”

I turned to Fluttershy. “Do you see the abuse I get? You wouldn’t treat me this badly, would you?”

Taya hopped up. “That’s it.” Before she could hug tackle me, I got blindsided by Fluttershy, who dragged me down. Doppel tumbled out of her hair and landed on my face. Taya joined Fluttershy in the assault.

Cadance walked over to where I could see her from my position on the ground. “See that, Nav? The true love of friendship.”

I sighed. “If I asked you to kill me, would you grant me that mercy?”

She grinned and called out, “PONY PILE ON NAV!” before joining the group hugging me.

As I heard Pinkie and Applejack galloping my way, one thought flashed through my mind: I hate everything.

As I was building a giant crossbow late that night, I got one of the worst messages I could have gotten. It was delivered by an exhausted Scootaloo.

“Sweetie Belle… Applebloom… Everfree… Timberwolves!”

That certainly didn’t sound good. “Where?” I grabbed the sword from where I had it resting against the wall—I live against the Everfree forest, forgive me for being cautious.

She waved a hoof at the forest. “Look for the fire.” She took a few deep breaths. “I told Applejack and Rarity first.”

I sighed. “Stay here.” With that, I leapt into the air, quickly rising and flying over toward Applejack’s farm. I had no idea what was going on, but if it involved Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, timberwolves, and the Everfree, it couldn’t have been good.

As I slowly soared over the Everfree, wishing I had better wings, I did my best to think of what reason the girls could even have to be in that hellish place. Visiting Zecora was my first thought, but they had no reason to see her this late at night.

Not two minutes into my search, I saw a beam of light shoot into the sky off to my right. I angled that way, knowing it was a unicorn in distress. When I got to the area I saw the beacon, I quickly spotted a torch between some of the sparser leaves. I knew there was no easy way for me to land in the swampy mess, getting through all the leaves and branches, so I settled for landing the hard way.

Unfortunately, that involved closing my wings and falling through trees that actually did want to hurt me; trees in the Everfree are fucking violent sometimes. Also unfortunately, I wasn’t wearing a shirt because building shit in summer gets hot as hell, even at night.

So when I crashed into the small, muddy clearing right between a group of terrified and angry ponies and some circling timberwolves, it was with a very bloody appearance. I managed to slow my fall by shooting my wings out right as I cleared the trees, but it still hurt.

I drew my sword and backed up closer to Rarity, who was wielding a burning bush with murder in her eyes, and Applejack, who was whirling a lasso above her head with a very similar expression on her face. The two girls huddled under their sisters. Their backs were to a low wall.

“Hold, wolves!” I called out. “Surely we can negotiate this.”

Flo whispered, “I don’t think that will work here, Nav.”

The wolves didn’t look like they wanted to talk, that’s for sure. They were snapping and snarling like mad, kept away only by Rarity’s fire. One of them got close enough to snarl, “We want the orange one and her youngling. The others may leave with you, two legs.” I should note that these wolves were about the size of the ponies. There were five of them. I don’t think it was the same group that I ran into before, but they could be.

I shook my head. “Not happening.”

The leader threw himself at me with no warning at all. One leapt at Rarity and another went after AJ. I couldn’t see what the other two did, given that I was preoccupied with trying to not get my throat torn out by a massive monstrosity of wood.

I knew I couldn’t give any ground because I was right next to the girls. With that in my head, I for some reason thought it would be a good idea to grab my sword with both hands and try to slice into his face.

It was a good idea in that it killed the wolf. It was a bad idea in that it left my sword stuck in his face as his dead body collided with mine, throwing me into the small wall the girls had been backed against. As I’m sure you can imagine, a wolf made of sticks hurts like hell when it rams into your body.

Thankfully for me, whatever magic was holding him together dissipated a few seconds later, collapsing him into individual sticks and leaves. My sword was still stuck in what comprised his face, but I knew slamming it into another wolf would fix that.

I thanked whoever might have been listening for the pain resistance that let me ignore the sticks that were stuck in my upper body as I returned to the fight. Applejack was using her well-toned body to beat the shit out of one of the wolves and Rarity was doing her best to light one of them on fire. Applejack managed to kill one while I was watching and turned in time to catch the other from flanking her from the side, but Rarity didn’t have that leisure.

I put a hand on her back and vaulted over her, trying to kick the wolf coming from her side in the face. That turned out to be the worst idea I had all night, as he caught my foot in his mouth and bit down, tearing through the cloth shoe and into my leg.

And then he started shaking, doing his best to rip my foot off. Not even pain resistance allowed me to ignore that shit. Thankfully, the rest of my body had hit the ground by then, serving the dual purpose of getting me covered in mud and allowing me to reach up with my sword and try to stab him around my own leg. Holding onto me became too much of a problem for him with me trying to poke him, so he let go and backed off.

I sat up, trying to get to some manner of fighting stance so I could at the very least continue guarding Rarity’s side. The wolf saw that and snarled, lunging before I could get set up. I reflexively jerked my sword up, spearing the wolf on it and sending the sword and wolf flying into me and then into Rarity.

She skidded a few inches before the wolf fell apart. I ended up with my back to Sweetie Belle, holding a sword that was less than an inch from bisecting my nose. The only sound in the area was deep breathing.

Eventually, Applejack asked, “Is everypony alright?”

I tried saying no, but it just came out garbled. I coughed a few times and tried again, “No.” I let the sword fall to the ground and used Rarity to pull myself up. “I’m going to need a crutch.” I shook the mud off my sword and slid it up as Applejack walked around to my side of Rarity to get a look at me.

She whistled when she saw the damage framed by the fire of a burning timber wolf. “Looks like you came outta this worse than anypony, Nav. How’re you even standing with a foot like that?”

“God graced me with a spare. Zecora’s hut is… oh, about a mile or two away from here. It’s closer than the edge of the forest. We can stop by there for the night and leave in the morning.”

Rarity looked me up and down. “You aren’t walking a step like that, Nav.”

“I know. That’s why I asked for a crutch. Just find me a long stick or something.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and knelt down. Sweetie Belle wisely got out of the way. “Hop on, Nav.” I gave her a rather dubious look. “Applejack needs to be mobile in case we run into any more of those… creatures. I can use my magic, but as you saw, I’m no good up close. With you on my back, you can keep anything that gets close away.”

Can’t fault the logic… “Hold on, this is going to be awkward.” I fucked up my right leg, but she was on my left side. Swinging my left side over her would leave me standing on my right leg for a second, which would end with me on the ground again. With that in mind, I turned away from her and sat down, then rotated and threw my left leg over her head, putting me on her back the right way. “Be careful, now. I don’t want to eat mud again tonight.”

“After coming to help us like that, I have no intention of letting you fall,” she replied as she carefully stood. “Come along, gir—wait, which way is it to Zecora’s home?”

I closed my eyes, picturing the forest. After a few seconds, I pointed left. “That way. Try not to make too much noise, all of you.” Applejack took point. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both picked a side of Rarity and stuck to it as we followed AJ.

I heard them muttering in quiet voices about how they really wanted to go home as they cast furtive glances into the woods.

We stopped not a minute later when Sweetie Belle screamed and pointed at something moving in the undergrowth near us. I had my sword out and pointed at it very quickly and Applejack pounced that way just as fast.

She backed away from the area quickly. “It’s… a tiny timberwolf,” she said, confused.

“A puppy,” I said, putting my sword up. “I bet we just killed its pack.”

Rarity and Applejack shared a look. Applejack shook her head. Rarity shrugged, pushing me up for a second. With that, Applejack went back to the way she had been going, leaving it there. Rarity turned to follow, but Applebloom and Sweetie Belle stopped us.

“We can’t just leave it!” Sweetie cried.

“It ain’t hurt nopony!” Applebloom yelled.

Applejack sighed and turned back. “Girls…”

“They’re right,” I said. “You can’t blame the sins of the parent on the child. Zecora will know what to do with it.” Letting her kill it will be a kinder death than letting it starve in the wild.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Fine. You can carry it, then.” She went back where she found it. After a small struggle, she came out somehow carrying a very unhappy acting timberwolf in one of her front hooves. She walked over to me and Rarity and held it up. I grabbed its struggling form, wrapping one hand around its front legs and the other around its back legs.

It seemed to recognize me as being not a pony, and just stared at me with its glowing eyes. Rarity started moving again and said, “Do be careful with that thing, Nav. I don’t want it biting at my back.”

“And I don’t want it biting at my anything,” I said. “I’ll be careful. If it gets too out of hand, I’ll just save Zecora the trouble."

By the time we got to Zecora’s humble hut, all of my wounds but my foot had stopped leaking amber ooze. I still had a few sticks pointing out of my stomach that I didn’t pull out because I didn’t want to risk fucking my body up too badly without a way to heal it. The pup had done nothing but growl. The pain was starting to get to me, sadly; I was fighting to stay upright, since falling forward would throw the wolf into Rarity’s back and falling any other way would end in me on the ground.

Applejack had to bang on Zecora’s door for a minute before she finally opened up. It’s understandable, given that it was probably around three in the morning. She squinted out the door at us. “Who is that at my door I see? Why do you come to disturb me?”

AJ rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “Sorry for coming by at such a late hour, but we’re in a bit of a pickle here. Do you mind if we stay for the night?”

Zecora peered past Applejack and saw two terrified fillies, a very hurt human, and an unhappy looking Rarity. She probably couldn’t see the wolf in my hands past Rarity’s head. She fixed her gaze on me. “Ah, human, I see that you are hurt. Come in, come in; all are welcome in my yurt.”

Applejack stood aside and let Rarity walk in first. I almost hit my head on the door and remembered to duck at the last moment. The fillies followed us in, with Applejack taking the rear. Zecora swung the door shut behind us. All in all, the little hut was very crowded with all of us in there.

“I do thank you for the hospitality,” Rarity said, looking around the stereotypically Voodoo-esque hut. “And we’re all terribly sorry for tracking in mud.”

“Yeah, sorry about the mess,” AJ said, looking down at her very muddy hooves.

“And sorry about the blood,” I added. “It should stop soon enough.”

Rarity jerked. “You’re bleeding, Nav?” She looked back at me in the light of Zecora’s hut and gasped. “Why didn’t you say you were this badly hurt?”

I blinked a few times. “I thought you saw. The only thing that’s hurt bad is my leg, though.” I looked over at Zecora. “If you could spare some bandages, that would be awesome.”

She was looking at the wolf in my hands. “Were you all attacked by the wolves of wood?” She reached over to a shelf and pulled out a flask, holding it up to me. “Drink from this, if you could.”

“And how do you expect me to hold the wolf and the flask at the same time?”

Applejack walked over. “I got it, sugar cube.” She gently pulled the wolf away from me.

I grabbed the flask and took a sip, then quickly gagged. “Why can’t your herbal stuff ever taste good?”

“Drink it all, you must. In me should you trust.”

I sniffed. “It ain’t you I don’t trust. I don’t like the taste, is all.” I downed more of it, shivering as I did so. “What’s the point of this, anyway?”

“To put you to sleep.” I blinked a few times before falling off Rarity. The last thing I heard was, “Now, none of you utter a peep.”

I woke up to a pounding head. I groaned as I sat up, rubbing at my eyes. I looked to my right and saw that I was sleeping next to a dirty Rarity. I made a ‘huh’ noise before looking left and seeing a sleeping Applejack. “What the fuck did I do last night?” I groaned.

“If I had to guess, it was making a mess.” I looked over Rarity and saw Zecora holding a docile timber wolf pup and sitting at a table. “You will remember in time, as sure as every sentence of mine must rhyme.”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.” I tried pulling myself up, but I quickly realized it would result in pain. That didn’t stop me; I just leaned away from the bad foot. “What’s up with the rhymes, anyway?”

She looked away. “It is a curse of mine. Now, would you care to dine?”

I saw that there were a few places set up at her little table. I limped over and took a place. “So why did you knock me out?”

She patted the wolf on its back. “There is poison in their bite. The cure would give you a fright. But there is something odd in your blood… In a way, it made me think of mud.”

“Sap would be closer. I’m relatively immune to poison.” Some of the night came back to me, then, and I looked around to room. “Where are the girls?” I asked.

“In my room do they lie. As soon as you were out, they began to cry. I gave them a sleep aid and immediately down they laid.”

I grinned. “That one was a stretch.” She shrugged. “Any indication of why they were in the forest in the first place?”

She waved a hoof to the two ponies. “They intend to find out. Until then, do you like trout?”

I looked down at the plate in front of me. “What the fu—Yes. I do.” How the hell did Zecora get a damn trout? She had even cooked it and had silverware set out. Ivory silverware. “If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get all this?”

“There was much travel in my past. There have been many a fishing rod I have learned to cast.”

I snorted. “You have a princess’s skill in avoiding the question.” She just grinned. “Fine, have it your way. I’m not about to complain about free food.” I dug into the fish with the fork and knife she had laid out. When there was nothing left of the fish but eyes and bones, I said, “Thanks for the fish. You ever think of traveling again?”

“A cure I need for this curse of mine, so often for the road do I pine. Of all the ingredients I need, I lack but a single seed. Far to the south it lies, but the plant only blooms if somepony near dies. The sacrifice needed is too large, or I would be on the first barge.”

I scratched at the growth on my face. “Far to the south, you say? You talking Antarctica far, or South America far?”

“Navarone,” Flo whispered in a warning tone, “what are you doing?”

“Those names I do not know, but it is on the land mass below.”

“I’m leaving Equestria in a year. When I go, I’ll be heading to the continent under us within a month or two. I can’t promise to kill someone for you, but you’re welcome to join us. Who knows, maybe you can figure out a loophole?” And it would give our group a seasoned traveler, which would probably be needed.

“I will think on this. There are many here I would miss. Tell me, for why are you going? It would put me at ease, knowing.”

I grimaced. “Time changes all men. And ponies, I guess. It’s a long tale to tell and from the stirring I hear behind me, I don’t have much time to tell it.”

She nodded. “I too know much of long tales. We can share as our ship sails.”

I heard Applejack muttering and turned around just in time to get a face full of ass as she stretched. Now, I try not to abuse the fact that none of the ponies wear pants or anything, but when it just gets thrown in my face, it’s impossible to not notice. And since AJ works out so much, her flank is very well… toned. I hate to say stuff like this because it means I’m starting to find ponies attractive, and that means it’s probably too late for me, but God can strike me down if it’s not true.

…Man, I just had a terrible coughing fit.

She didn’t seem that bothered when she turned around and saw me looking. “I can’t believe you woke up before me, Nav,” she said. “I’m a pretty early riser.” I took a moment to appreciate her look without her hair tied up and with no hat on; she really looked completely different.

I ruffled my feathers. “And I don’t usually sleep at all. Whatever she gave me probably doesn’t work as well on me because my blood is sludge.”

“That is all too true,” Zecora confirmed. “It barely worked on you.”

Applejack joined us at the table. “Well, whatever. Whenever sleeping beauty over there wakes up, we can get the girls and get out of your hair.” She eyed the wolf in Zecora’s grasp. “Do you think you can take care of it for us?”

“This task I’m afraid I cannot do. It is something I would come to rue. The spirit of the wolf needs something it knows.” She eyed me up and down. “Your spirit is the same, through its highs and lows. The blood of the survivor is in your veins; you should be the one to take his reins.”

I looked over at Applejack. “Translate that, please. My head is still fuzzy.”

“She says the wolf is yours now.”

“Tell her I said fuck that.”

Applejack gave me a look like I was stupid. “She can understand you, Nav.” I gave her a blank stare and just pointed at Zecora. AJ rolled her eyes and turned to her and said, “He’s not interested.”

“If he has no guidance, he will surely die. In this you can be guaranteed I do not lie.”

I shrugged. “Ain’t no skin off my back. Those timberwolves, they lost a lot of points with me last night when one of them tried to tear off my foot.”

Applejack gave me a flat stare. “If I remember right, you were trying to kick him in the face.”

“Only because he was trying to tear a chunk out of Rarity.” I ran a hand through my hair, looking back over at Zecora and the pup. An idea struck me. “How about this: I hold onto the little pest for now, until I can find a pack of wolves to pawn him off on. I give him to them in exchange for information. Do you think that will work?”

“I do not think this plan of yours will work,” Zecora said, shaking her head. “It would be quicker to stab him with your dirk. Unless he is smarter than I think, the other packs cannot form a link. With such a great lack, he can’t join a pack.”

I rubbed my temple, trying to make sense of what she said. “So you’re saying each pack of timberwolves has a mental link, and this little fucker is retarded so he can’t form new links? Then why can I take care of him but another pack can’t?”

“He has the mind of nothing but a pet, though admittedly smarter than any I’ve met. A pack would kill him for he is too dim. But a long-lived life with you is better than death or a zoo.”

I sighed. “Fine, I’ll take the fucking wolf. The minute he so much as snaps at Taya will be the minute I stab him in the throat. What do these things eat?”

“What do wolves in your world eat? His diet is full of meat. Normal dog food is a second best, but you must give it a meaty zest.” She gave me a few more instructions for taking care of a wolf made of wood. I don’t feel like remembering the rhymes and I don’t feel like paraphrasing since I made her write a list and then made Applejack write it in English.

By the time Zecora ran out of things to say in her shitty English equivalent, Rarity woke up. I got another view of pony ass as she stretched right in my face. Either she knew I was looking or she was just being careful, because she shot her tail out and smacked me in the face with it. Normally that wouldn’t hurt, but this time it was covered in dried mud and a few sticks poking out of it. I turned back to see a smirking pony and zebra. I mouthed, “Worth it,” to them. Applejack rolled her eyes.

“Terribly sorry for sleeping in,” Rarity said, taking the last spot at the small table. “Are you feeling alright, Navarone?”

“Better than I was last night.” And I’m sure I looked better, with all of the sticks out of me and bandages over everything. “Our host was polite enough to bandage me up. I have to say, I’m having a better time here than I did last time.” I gave a pointed look at Applejack, who met it with a blush.

“C’mon, Nav. We don’t need to be talking about that, now…”

Rarity grinned, sensing juicy gossip. “Oh? Why, what ever did I miss, dearest Applejack?”

Applejack’s ears lowered and she very quickly said, “Imma go check on the girls.”

She scurried away from the table, leaving at least two grins behind. “She really should let her hair down more,” I said when she was in the other room. “It looks much better.”

“I’ve tried telling her that,” Rarity sighed. “But she just doesn’t seem to care. I swear, that mare will never find a stallion.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t seem to have been looking either, Rarity. Or if you have, even I have had better luck.”

“That’s preposterous! Are you even into stallions?”

I shrugged. “Not really. But some of them seem to like me. Braeburn, for example. And one of the night guards might have a small crush on me.”

She hmphed. “If that’s all the… luck you’ve had, then I believe I’ve had better luck than you.”

I shrugged. “Good for you, I guess. But I don’t think you’ve gotten farther than I have, relationship wise. I managed to get engaged. How far have you gotten?”

She gasped. “Who with?”

“Gilda. It was a political thing and we got it canceled, thank God. It still counts.”

She rolled her eyes. “Keep telling yourself that, Nav.” She looked over to Zecora. “Have you ever had a special somepony, Zecora?”

“Once upon a time, I did. But on that story, I keep a lid. It was in a land far from here and the soul I loved was most dear. The story does not end well, so on it I do not dwell. And I see your sister is awake, so I believe their breakfast I should make.”

Rarity leapt up. “Please, allow me to help you.” Zecora set the wolf down on the floor and they both walked less than two steps away to a large pot. I zoned them out as the wolf slowly inched its way to me.

He eyed my bandaged leg before rubbing up against my other one. It didn’t exactly feel that good, but it also didn’t really hurt. I lowered my hand down and he licked it, looking up at me with his glowing green eyes. It was almost enough to make me feel bad for my plan of trying to give him to Fluttershy.

As I was greeting the wolf and he was trying to get used to me, the hustle and bustle around the small room increased, with Applejack joining the cooking effort.

It didn’t take long for Zecora to get pushed from the two, leaving Applejack and Rarity to fight over recipes. Rarity was trying to make some hellishly complex thing while Applejack was trying to make something simple.

“If they are not careful, they will burn down my house,” Zecora sighed as she joined our table. She jerked her head over to the two mares as they poured something into the bowl. “No, no! That is something you must souse!” A tiny rainbow explosion shot out of the bowl, leaving the two mares next to it with very Rainbow Dash-esque hair.

They looked up at each other. “We will never speak of this again,” Rarity said.

“You got that right. Now, why don’t you go ahead and cook us up something nice, Rarity?”

“No, no Applejack, I insist you make us something simple.”

I face-palmed, knowing where this was going. Zecora just put her head on the table as the two girls shared a haunted look. After nearly a minute of them trying to be nice and let the other one cook, I looked to Zecora and asked, “Do you have potatoes and eggs?”

Fifteen minutes later, they were all eating hash browns and scrambled eggs, courtesy of me. I have no idea what kind of eggs she gave me, but I know they weren’t chicken eggs.

A few minutes after that, we were getting ready to go. I found my belt with my sword and dagger hanging on a peg near the door. The ponies were thanking Zecora for letting them stay. Rarity was apologizing for the mess. The wolf was following me.

As Zecora showed us out, she said to me, “I will think long and hard on your offer, but I would hate to deplete your coffer.”

“Price is no problem for me. If you want in, let me know and you’re in.”

The others were curious about this, of course. “What’re you talking about, Nav?” Applejack asked.

“Nothing that need concern you,” I answered. “Now let’s get out of Zecora’s hair. We all need baths and these two have some explaining to do,” meaning Applebloom and Sweetie Belle.

“You’re quite right about that!” Rarity confirmed. “Just what were you two thinking?”

“I reckon that can wait until we ain’t in the Everfree,” Applejack said, looking around the woods that are rather close to Zecora’s hut.

“We won’t get there until we start,” I sighed, taking the lead. I made it two steps before Rarity jumped in front of me.

“You can’t make it back with your foot like that, Nav.” She knelt down again. I sighed and slung my leg over her back, sitting on her yet again. She stood back up. “I know you aren’t healthy, as light as you are. There’s no way anypony this light can be eating right.”

I didn’t comment.

“If you don’t want to answer, I bet Taya will tell me all about it,” she slyly commented.

I grimaced. “How about we go back to being mad at the girls? That was fun.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about them,” she said. “Sweetie Belle will get quite the tongue lashing when we get out of here.”

“And that goes double for Applebloom,” Applejack said, giving her sister a look. The two fillies had their ears down, knowing they were up shit creek.

“Hell, I’d prefer a tongue lashing to what my parents did when I fucked up. The first time I missed curfew, my dad beat me bloody.” I sighed wistfully. “The second time was worse. I didn’t miss curfew again after that. Of course, I didn’t have to worry about getting eaten back where I came from, but I did have to worry about getting shot or stabbed.”

Rarity turned back to stare at me in horror when I mentioned getting beaten. “Your parents hit you?”

“Nah, just my dad. My mom never needed to, since my dad was so good at it. Besides, she had other ways of punishing me. She was the one that gave me the tongue lashings, much good they ever did. Is hitting not a common way of dealing with kids here?”

“Heavens no! That’s simply… barbaric! What could ever possess a parent to do something like that?”

I shrugged. “Worked on me. Of course, it probably also contributed to me being so fucked up, so I guess that’s something against it.”

Rarity hmphed and turned back around. “If I ever see your father, I’ll give him what-for. To do that to a foal…” She descended into dark muttering.

Applejack watched that little back-and-forth with a smile, shaking her head when Rarity finished. She looked over to me. “It ain’t that uncommon here, Nav. My parents didn’t beat me, but they sure knew how to stripe a hide when Big Mac or I misbehaved. Of course, with them traveling all the time, the task was usually left to Granny Smith. Now that you mention it, I might have to break out her old collection of switches for Applebloom here.”

Applebloom’s ears drooped and she looked over to me, mouthing ‘why?’ before turning on her sad face. I shrugged.

Rarity hmphed again. “Terrible. I can’t believe any parents would ever do that.” She eyed Sweetie Belle. “Of course, I’m not your parent, just your big sister. If Applejack and Navarone both swear by it, maybe it works.” And now Sweetie Belle was using her sad face on me, but she wasn’t as good at it as Applebloom.

“If you two switch them, you shouldn’t forget about Scootaloo,” I said. “It’s only fair.”

“Don’t you worry about her,” a new voice said. “I’ll take care of her.” Rainbow Dash swooped down from the trees, landing in front of us. “What happened last night?” she asked. She then actually looked at Rarity and Applejack and cracked up. “And what happened to your hair?” Referring to how it was still rainbow colored, I assumed.

“Long story short,” I said, “we fucked up some timberwolves and I got a new pet.” I jerked a thumb at the wolf still following Rarity. “We’ll get more details from these two when we get back,” with a nod toward the two girls.

“Looks like the wolves weren’t the only ones that got bucked up,” she said, looking at my leg. “Is everypony else alright?”

“We’re all fine,” Applejack said. “Are the others still trying to find us?”

Dash shook her head. “Twilight sent me to talk to Zecora first, to ask if she’s seen you. The others are waiting at Nav’s house.”

“Why would they be there instead of at the farm?” Applejack asked.

“Because my house has a fence and a giant naga that’s honor-bound to come to my aid if I require it.”

“Those are pretty good reasons,” Rarity confirmed.

I nodded at Dash. “Go tell them we’ll be out in about fifteen minutes or so. And tell them to wait. The bigger the group we have, the more attention we’ll draw.”

“You got it, Nav.” She hopped back into the air, darting through a break in the trees.

I smiled down at the girls. “There you go. Now you won’t be so alone when you’re getting punished.”

“Doesn’t make me feel any better…” Sweetie Belle whispered, the first words I had heard out of them yet.

“Me neither,” Applebloom sighed. The three of us that were adults shared a smile—at least, I think the other two were adults; I still don’t know how age in this place works. I mean, shouldn’t Applebloom and Sweetie Belle be young adults by now? Either way, I don’t think Rarity or Applejack would actually switch their sisters. They’d talk about it, but they wouldn’t actually do it.

We continued walking, Applejack and I still eyeing the surrounding forest warily. I had no intention of getting jumped, that’s for damn sure.

Thankfully, we weren’t. We got out of the forest muddy, tired, hurt in my case, and rainbow-maned in the cases of Rarity and AJ. Also thankfully, we were very close to my house when we got out; I had no idea the path to Zecora’s house was that close to my place. We started walking to the gate.

The first one in was Applejack, and she was quickly smothered by Pinkie’s hug. My gate was large enough for Rarity to get past Applejack’s struggling form, so I got to see the other three girls staring at us. The naga, Taya, Scootaloo, and Doppel were with them, though Taya quickly abandoned her position when she saw me enter on Rarity. I slid down, landing on my good leg, and caught Taya in a hug.

The wolf cautiously stepped forward, sniffing at Taya. My hand slipped to my dagger until he withdrew. I pulled away from Taya and stood, noting that Rarity had slipped away, standing closer to Twilight. Fluttershy, however, was right behind me, staring at my bandages.

“Nav, you’re hurt.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed. Hey, do you want a unique animal?”

“What kind of animal?”

I pointed at the wolf. She followed my finger and her eyes went wide. She opened her mouth to presumably tell me no, but hmmm’d instead. She bent down to it, making it back away, baring his fangs. “I don’t think he likes me,” she whispered.

“Then you’re not trying hard enough. You’re good with animals, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Um…” I was already limping away toward Applejack and the girls. I limped about a step before I found myself lifted in an orange aura that I recognized as Taya’s.

The bandage around my foot was unwrapped by a brighter orange aura. She gasped when she saw the damage. “I can’t heal this,” she told me. She picked me up and carried me toward Twilight.

“Taya, this really isn’t necessary.”

“I know.” She stopped when we were next to Rarity and Twilight, who were talking. Taya just stared at Twilight with a burning intensity until Twilight decided to stop ignoring her.

“Sweet Celestia, Nav! What happened to you?”

I shrugged. “I made one too many jokes about Rarity’s hair and she decided to teach me a lesson.”

“That is not true!” Rarity said, scowling at me for a moment. That quickly changed into a smile. “He got bitten while saving me from getting mauled.”

“Yeah, whatever. I don’t reckon you can heal me?”

Twilight smirked. “Anything for the big hero.” The glow around me turned purple as Twilight’s horn lit up. She floated me over to herself and stretched out my leg. I felt an insane itching as the tendons in my foot mended and the torn flesh reknitted itself. She was panting slightly by the time she finished. “There was more damage there than I thought.” She looked over to Rarity. “Does the fair lady want to reward her handsome knight?”

I butted in. “I think carrying me out of the forest was reward enough, thank you.”

Judging from the looks I saw passing between Rarity and Twilight, they had something else in mind. Just as Twilight started to float me closer to Rarity, we heard Fluttershy give out a shrill “Eep!” The aura around me dropped as everyone jerked their heads toward her and the wolf that was now chasing her.

I managed to catch myself before falling, thankfully. I watched with amusement until I saw Rainbow Dash getting ready to pile drive the wolf. “HEEL!” I yelled out. The wolf immediately stopped, looking over to me. “Holy… That actually worked?” I looked around and saw that Fluttershy was huddling next to the naga, staring at the wolf fearfully.

I sighed and walked over to it. “We do not try to eat ponies. Especially Fluttershy. Now go apologize.” He whimpered, trying to use puppy dog eyes. However, his eyes were green and glowing and he was about as far away from being cute as something could possibly get. I just pointed at Fluttershy.

His tail dragged as he walked over to her and the naga. Dash was ready to move as soon as he showed any signs of being aggressive. Twilight was watching him with curiosity. Fluttershy was watching with fear. The naga, as usual, didn’t give any fucks. I could tell he was ready to grab the wolf if needed, though.

The need didn’t arise. The wolf stopped near Fluttershy and whined, dropping his head. I could see the fear leave her when he did that. She stepped forward and gently patted him. “It’s okay, boy.” He looked up and pounced. Everyone caught their breath before we realized he was just licking her face.

“Now that that’s out of the way,” Applejack slowly said before turning to her sister. “JUST WHAT THE HAY WERE YOU THINKING?!”

“Hold on,” I said, stepping up. “Might as well save some time and yell at all three at once. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, stand next to Applebloom.”

“Good thinking as always, Nav,” Rarity said before looking to Sweetie Belle and pointing at Applebloom.

“You heard him, squirt,” Dash said to Scootaloo. The girls both sighed before joining Applebloom.

Applejack nodded at me. “Thanks for looking out for us, Nav.” She cleared her throat before turning on her Big Sister face again. “NOW JUST WHAT THE HAY WERE YOU THREE THINKING?!”

I zoned out whatever their answer was as I walked over to Fluttershy. “Like I said, you figured it out. According to Zecora, he eats meat or dog food. She gave me a list of instructions, whenever you want it.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t take away your pet, Nav! I can tell he has a bond with you.” She let the pup go and he quickly rejoined me. She grinned. “I knew a canine would be right for you! I figured it would have been a fox, but a wolf is fine too. If you ever need me to puppy-sit, just let me know!”

I crossed my arms as the puppy tried rubbing against my legs. “Can you puppy-sit it forever?” The wolf growled. “Fine.” I sighed. “I keep getting saddled with all this stuff… Fluttershy, I suggest against following in my footsteps.”

“Oh, I could never do that. It would be awkward, trying to match your two feet with my four.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s like you’re just begging for me to hug you.”

“Um… What does hugging have to do with walking?”

“That’s it. Just remember that you brought this on yourself.” I reached down and pulled her into a hug. I quickly remembered why I liked snuggling against mares; they’re really soft and squishy, especially when you’re not wearing much in the way of clothing. Her fur brushed up against my chest in a very nice way. I didn’t hold the hug for long, but she was blushing when I pulled away. “I hope you learned your lesson,” I told her. “Now come on, pup. Let’s show you the house.”

For those of you that are wondering, it was explained to me that the three girls went into the woods to find out why the timberwolves are so attracted to the zap apples. They assumed that since I was able to talk to the wolves, the wolves would be willing to talk to them.

They did not take into account the fact that I earned the respect of the wolves by killing one in combat. They also casually forgot that Applebloom was part of the family that stole the zap apples in the first place. Even if wolves didn’t know her from looking at her, they would be able to smell the farm on all of them.

And no, they didn’t learn the reason for the wolves’ behavior.

However, I did. The night we got back, I started to go into the forest. I stopped when I realized that I did not need to; there were five wolves right outside the doors of my house, waiting for me. I spread my wings and drew my sword as I pulled the door shut, watching them.

“You will not need that, two legs,” the wolf in the middle hoarsely intoned.

“We are here to talk, not fight,” the one to the right of him said.

I didn’t put my sword away. “What do you want?” I asked. I could see more of the wolves now, arranged all around my house. I’m not leaving that gate open at night anymore.

“You killed one of the pack leaders,” the middle one said.

“In self-defense,” I hastily answered.

“This isn’t a trial,” the one on the far left barked.

I ruffled my feathers. “Then why are you here?”

“You have one of ours,” the middle one answered. I jerked a hand to the door but he continued, “We do not want him back. He is nothing but muscle; with his pack dead, he is forfeit. However, his pack is not entirely dead. Two still survive, felled by the ponies with you rather than your mystic weapon. They will regrow and rebuild the pack. When they succeed, they will come for the pup with you, who will likely not be so much of a pup any longer.”

“...Okay.” I put the sword away, not thinking I’d need it. “I have a question, if you’ll answer it. What’s your feud with the apple farmers?” The one on the far right growled at the mention of the Apples.

The middle one snarled too, but answered, “They hold our family fruit, two legs. When one of us eats of that tree, we are able to breed for a short time. Each pack guards a tree, for without the fruits from that tree, the pack cannot survive. They bloom whenever a tribe is ready to grow, either because hunting is good or because one of the tribe was lost.” He narrowed his eyes. “The trees will go in bloom within the week because of your actions permanently killing three. They’ll stay in bloom for twice as long so lost can be replaced. But it will take some time for their new pack leader to come into his own, so expect it to take months for them to come for that little one you hold.”

That’s certainly interesting. “What happens if a pony or something else eats a raw zap apple?”

“They go mad.” Well, that explains Granny Smith’s behavior. “We do not know if it is permanent, since we kill most anything that dares affront us so.”

“So… how the hell do you breed, anyway? The wolves we killed turned into kindling when they died, not bodies.”

“It is not how most animals breed. We are not alive, but made animate through chaotic magic. When a pack sees the first of the signs of the trees, we begin gathering fallen branches and leaves from certain trees, depending on what we are trying to replace. Different wood makes different wolves. When the tree is ready, each member of the pack eats the fruit of the tree and sacrifices part of themselves to animate a new member of the pack. The young start small but slowly grow as more magic and life is absorbed.”

“So how long can any of you live?”

They all looked around at each other before the middle one spoke again. “I have seen over ten thousand turnings of the moon.”

Turnings of the moon… That’s about twenty-eight days. I did some math and realized this dude had been alive for over nine hundred years. “Holy fuck, dude. How long does it take for a wolf to fully grow?”

“That depends on the breed,” one of them answered. “The wolf you have will grow quickly. He will be strong, fast, and ferocious, but not much for thinking. He will never know how to talk.”

“Does he have a name?”

“We do not give names to each other. We instinctively know each other because of the feel of their magic.”

“Okay… Does he have a gender?”

“He does not.”

There are a bunch of other questions I really wanted to ask these guys, but I had a bad feeling that some questions might be bad for my health. Questions such as, “Don’t you care that I helped defend the apple farmers from some of you?” and “How did you know I had one of you?” and “So does that mean I can’t get raped by any of you?”

So instead, I settled for asking, “How did the timber wolves get created as a race?”

Four of them growled before the middle one answered, “That is a tale we are not allowed to tell. The sun fell from the sky and gave us the warning that we were to tell none of how we were made.”

That answered my question, actually. “How worried will I need to be about the wolf I have hurting anyone?”

“He will sense your mood and your feelings. If you are near someone you do not like, he will be defensive. He will be friendly to those to which you are friendly.”

What kind of weaboo anime bullshit is this? “When his pack comes for him, will they be violent or will they just take him and go?”

“They will just take him and go, unless you try to keep him from them. I do not suggest such an action. Should any of us get too far from the chaotic energies of the forest, we will break down.”

Definitely can’t come with me, then. I found myself smiling, happy that I wouldn’t have to deal with him for long.

The wolves noticed that and growled. I remembered what showing teeth meant to dogs and I removed the smile from my face. “If I have any other questions for you in the future, how will I find you? I swear, you guys are fucking elusive when I actually want to talk.”

“Search for the trees like those on the apple farm. We will never be far.” Sensing that I was done, the wolves turned away and gathered their packs with a few barks and snarls. They left a few howls as they charged out through my gate, into the night.

Chapter Sixty-Eight—Substance abuse, here I come.

Chapter Sixty-Eight—Substance abuse, here I come.

Now, I’ve said this before and I have a feeling I’ll say it again, so forgive me if it gets old. But this one statement seems to fit a number of the situations I find myself in and it always seems to strike true no matter what.

I hate everything.

It’s a simple three words that convey a simple message. And yet, it’s something the ponies that surround me seem unable to understand.

And that is why I found myself tied down in a chair in Pinkie’s room surrounded by all six of my ‘friends’ and my loving daughter.

I sighed yet again. “Is this all really necessary?” I asked.

“Nav, you already tried running away twice,” Applejack said, tilting her hat back.

I gave a glare at Dash, who had been the one to catch me both times. She just grinned and said, “Sorry, bro, but according to Twilight, it’s for your own good.”

“And so is this part,” Twilight said, floating a piece of cloth over to me and fixing it around my face.

Rarity sighed. “That is not how it’s done, Twilight.” She floated another piece of cloth over from the pile Pinkie had in her room for some reason. “Pinkie, be a dear?” The cloth around my face was untied and my mouth was forced open by Pinkie. The cloth Rarity was holding shot inside my mouth, muffling anything I wanted to say. Pinkie tied the other one back around my mouth to prevent me from spitting it out.

Have I mentioned how much I hate everything?

Twilight stepped forward. “Now I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here…”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not really. Any reason to torture Nav is good in my books!” There was nodding from everyone in the room but me, the joke easy for them to agree with.

“As true as that is,” Twilight continued, “there is an actual reason today. Fluttershy brought to my attention a fact that Cadance pointed out. As I’m sure any of us that have had extended conversations with Nav know, he believes—or used to believe, I suppose—that he was unable to feel love.” Again, there was general nodding. “Cadance pointed out that you can’t have friendship without love.” I hate you so much right now that it hurts, Cadance. “So I decided to get some of his friends together to make sure he knows he’ll never forget how to love!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Now, no offense to you, Twi, but was tying him up really that necessary? We all know he’da run given half a chance, but isn’t this something we could do better on a one-on-one basis?”

“Normally, I’d agree with you,” she answered. “But we all know Nav. He would have quickly noticed the pattern and started avoiding us after the second or third confrontation. This way he has no choice but to listen. It’s foolproof!”

“Yeah, but won’t this make him angry?” Dash asked. “I mean, I went and caught him twice because I thought this was going to be important, not just more lovey-dovey crap.”

I wasn’t able to talk, but I could make noise. I grunted an affirmative, nodding my head.

“See! I’m letting him go.” She tried to walk over, but Taya stepped in front of her.

“You don’t have to live with him,” Taya said. “He needs this.”

I frantically shook my head.

“I dunno…” Dash said, rubbing her chin. “It doesn’t seem to me like he does.”

“Well, it won’t hurt anypony to be sure,” Rarity commented, stepping closer to me. It won’t hurt anypony. What about a human? “Nav, don’t you remember that time you helped me with your modeling?”

I tried saying “Ugh.” To her, it apparently sounded like a no, so she went into more detail about it. She spent way too much time talking about a few of the nights where we didn’t have extra beds so we had to sleep together.

I was doing my best to zone her out, but it wasn’t working. It didn’t help that… Oh my God, she’s bursting into song. Now, I’ve said before that I liked Rarity’s singing voice, but I wasn’t happy about being sung at about how ‘I’m a good person’ and ‘I’ve had love in my heart the entire time.’

When Rarity’s song finished, the music continued. The ponies looked around, confused; someone was supposed to be singing, but none of them got the cue. Their questioning glances were answered when Doppel burst out of the closet, trying to sing about something.

Thankfully, Taya was very surprised at this and instinctively shot her with a bolt of magic, disrupting the entire song. Due to the rule of comedy, Doppel was completely uninjured, but she spat out a cloud of black smoke.

“What were you doing in my closet, silly?” Pinkie asked, poking Doppel’s newly prostrate form with a hoof.

When Doppel was able to talk again, she said, “Making sure no one was trying to hurt Nav.”

Pinkie giggled and booped her on the nose. “You don’t hurt friends, silly! You love them!” Pinkie jumped over and wrapped me in a hug to prove her point.

I tried saying, “Kill me.”

Pinkie decided to interpret it different. “Group hug, you say? That’s a GREAT idea!” She used her freaky powers to pull everyone in the room around my chair and hugged us all, with me in the middle getting squished by fluffy ponies… and Doppel’s carapace.

I think one of my hands ended up somewhere very inappropriate, and from the blush I saw on Dash’s face when Pinkie released us, I could take a guess where.

The moment of awkwardness ended when Pinkie jumped in my face and started talking about something or another that I had done with her. I have a lot of practice with ignoring Pinkie, so I was able to successfully not pay attention.

Until she started smushing her hooves against my face and trying to manipulate it in ways it wasn’t supposed to move. Normally I don’t bother fighting back when I’m in an unwinnable situation, but this time I did. I pulled back and glared at her, baring my canines as much as I could around the gag.

She giggled and bared her teeth too, making a mock dangerous face.

I snorted and went back to a bored and disinterested look. She patted me on the head with a smile and went back to the group.

Applejack stepped up. “You saved me and my sister. That’s enough for me.” I didn’t really have much interaction with Applejack. That’s pretty much all she had to say.

Doppel decided to go next. “I have no idea what’s going on, but it’s making you squirm so it has to be worth it. You saved me and the hive, so that’s got you good in my books. Ever since then you’ve been nothing but nice and useful. You already know where my loyalty lies.” Her wings fluttered and she leapt up, wrapping me in a tight hug. I felt her tongue tracing my ear and she whispered, “And if I knew how much you liked getting tied up, I would have been all over you sooner. I can taste the lust in the air.”

I shivered as she pulled away; I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, because I sure as hell don’t get off to being tied up. She winked at me before joining the small crowd around me.

That made it Dash’s turn, apparently. She rubbed the back of her neck, saying, “Hey uh, can I have some alone time with him? We got secret bro stuff to talk about.”

“Of course, Rainbow,” Twilight said. “Come on, girls.” She led the way out of Pinkie’s room, leaving me with Dash.

Who blushed when the door finally shut. “You need to be more careful with those hands, man!” She shivered, giving me bedroom eyes. “I’m going in heat soon, and that… Oooh…” She shook herself, letting her eyes go back to normal. “I can deal with it later. Now, friend stuff…” She paced back and forth in front of my chair for a few seconds. “I guess there was that time I almost got you killed and you forgave me. That was really awesome of you. And all those pranks we did… Though you always seemed to go after Rarity.” She snickered. “Remember that one time we made her think her equinequens were alive? She refused to go back into her shop until Applejack beat them all to a pulp.”

Yeah, that was a fun one. It required some inventive use of blackmailing on Sweetie Belle to make it work, too.

“So I guess what I’m saying is, if Twilight and Cadance seem to think friendship is love or something, I guess I love you or something like that.” She paused, a slow redness seeping back up her neck. “Geez, this is really awkward… I don’t know why Twilight wanted us to all do this…”

I grunted, balling a hand into a fist and nodding at it. She grinned and met it with her hoof.

“You’re alright, Nav. And if you tell anypony that I said I loved you, I’m beating you to a pulp. Now, I would let you go, but I think the others might get mad when you run away.” She walked around behind me. “I can at least undo this stupid gag, though.” She untied it and I managed to spit the damn thing in my mouth out. “How’s that?”

I worked some moisture into my mouth before responding in my ‘sexy’ voice. “I love you too, Dashie.”

She smacked me in the back of the head. “I’ll send in the next one.”

“Wait a sec.” She stopped moving. “Don’t send in Pinkie or Rarity.”

“They already had their turn, but I’ll stop them if they try.” Thankfully, she didn’t ask why. I heard the door click shut and that’s when I jumped up and waddled to the window. I had it unlocked and was trying to open it when the next one walked in.

“Nav, what’re you—Hey!” I was surrounded by a purple glow and pulled away from the window. Twilight dropped me down in front of herself and gave me a very disapproving stare.

I tried shrugging and said, “Can’t fault a guy for trying.”

She snorted. “You wanna bet?” Her horn lit up and two more pieces of cloth flew over from the pile and I was gagged again. She happily nuzzled me in the face. “There, isn’t that better? Now…” She began pacing like Dash had. “I’m sure you realize by now how much love you have in your heart. Of anypony here, I probably know you best aside from maybe Taya.” She stopped in front of me and poked me in the chest with a hoof. “You’re a good person.” I did my best to sigh exaggeratedly and roll my eyes. “It’s hardly been three weeks and I already miss you in the library. I know you’ve been through a lot and you’ve had a lot of stress recently. I… didn’t exactly treat you fairly.”

If I wasn’t gagged, I would remind her that the reason she kicked me out was because I was acting like an asshole.

“I wanted to apologize, Nav. And to… make you an offer. If you ever want to, say, relieve some tension, I’ll be there for you. I promise to keep all feelings out of it.”

So basically she was offering to fuck if I ever wanted it. So now I have a sun goddess, a griffin, a changeling maid, and a powerful unicorn all as fuck buddies.

It’s looking to be a good year.

“Now, I know dealing with lust isn’t exactly reminding you that you have love, but we all have needs.” She bit her lower lip and looked down to a certain part of my ‘needy’ body. “In fact… I can’t imagine you’re overly pleased at being tied up like this.” Her horn lit up and my zipper flew down. I grinned, liking where this was going.

A few minutes later, Twilight left, trotting happily out the door. I didn’t bother trying to escape.

Fluttershy didn’t waste much time joining me. She gasped when she saw my face. “Oh my, you’re blushing! Are you too hot?” She jumped to the window and opened it, letting some air in.

I wanted to tell her I was alright, but that gag was still there.

She turned back to me for a moment before looking down, her ears sinking. “I’m just… I don’t want you to hate me!” I lifted an eyebrow. I had no reason to hate Fluttershy. She plopped her ass down on the floor, looking extremely depressed. “I… I remember back when… when you got back from Egypt the second time… How I said you couldn’t love.” I blinked. I actually hadn’t thought about that in a long time. “I’m so sorry!” The rest of her plopped to the floor and she started crying.

That would have been a really awkward scene for someone to walk in on. Me tied to a chair and Fluttershy on the floor crying her eyes out over something she said that I didn’t even remember.

“I’m such a horrible pony!” she wailed.

I sighed, hopped up, waddled over to her, and poked her a few times with one of my feet. She squirmed away until she realized it was me. Then she looked up, tears streaming down her face. I sat back and lifted my hands, waving them in a ‘come here’ fashion before opening them like I was welcoming her. She leapt up, throwing her head into my lap with a sob.

She squirmed around for a moment before looking up to me. “Nav, why is your lap wet?” I gave her a flat stare. She shrugged and continued crying, letting her head fall back down. I rolled my eyes and did my best to get comfortable.

Around the ten minute mark, my legs started falling asleep. I finally decided to do what I should have done to begin with. I lifted a leg up and crossed it behind Fluttershy’s neck and grabbed the knife I keep in my shoe with the opposite hand. With that, I was able to slice the ropes holding that arm to the chair and then the rest of them were easy. I pulled the gag off and the wad out of my mouth. I took a moment to stretch before gently lifting Fluttershy’s head, standing just a little, and kicking the chair back. I then sat on the floor and pulled Fluttershy into a hug so she could cry over my shoulder instead of my lap.

“Fluttershy, I don’t hate you. I don’t think it’s physically possible to hate you. You are the most genuinely nice person I have ever met and I consider it a privilege to call you friend. I don’t care what you’ve said in the past. I know what you meant and I don’t hate you for it.”

The tears slowly petered out. Eventually she whispered, “I love you, Nav.”

“If what Cadance said is true, I guess I love you too. You’re a wonderful friend, Fluttershy, and don’t let anyone tell you different.”

I heard something in my head at that point and it wasn’t until now as I’m writing that I realize it was Flo face palming. When I read over that little back and forth, I realized the possible implications of what she and I said. There’s a very good chance I friendzoned Fluttershy without even realizing it. As I sit and think, she’s the only one of the ponies I know that I would even consider a real relationship with, but even then, I would only consider it if I came back from traveling.

Anyway, Fluttershy pulled away from me, looking down. “I’m… It’s Taya’s turn now, I guess.” We let each other go and she stood up, walking over to the door. I followed her out, since I could talk to Taya on the way home or at home.

When Fluttershy opened the door to the main room, I saw that the girls were around a large circular table, everyone but Doppel drinking milkshakes that corresponded to their coat colors, which I thought was a neat touch.

“What, I don’t get one?” I asked as I walked in.

Mr. Cake behind the counter answered, “If you got the bits, sure.” He was still a little bitter about catching me, Pinkie, and Gilda fucking.

“You can have mine,” Dash said, pushing back from the table. “These things are unhealthy and I need to get going anyway.”

There was a chorus of byes and things of that nature as Dash left the building. Fluttershy took her seat and with some interesting rearranging, I was situated between Taya and Twilight. “So this was really pointless,” I commented as Dash’s blueberry smoothie was passed my way.

“No,” Taya said, “it was good for you.” I rolled my eyes and did my best to clear the smoothie as quickly as possible without getting a brain freeze.

Rarity departed not long after Dash. “Nav, stop by my Boutique sometime soon. I need to talk to you,” she said before she left. I didn’t get a chance to reply before she was out the door.

When she did get out I looked over to Applejack. “I was finally able to talk to the wolves, if you still want that answer.”

“Well shoot, I’m really curious now, what with them trying to maul Applebloom. What’d they say?”

I told everyone there what the wolves said about the trees, leaving the rest of the information unsaid because it wasn’t their business.

When I was finished, Twilight asked, “Can I study your wolf, Nav? I knew they had to be magical in nature, but I never imagined they would mate like that!”

“You’ll have to come by my place to do it. Apparently, they die if they get too far from the woods.”

“So you mean to say the wolves were never actually attacking the farm?” Applejack asked.

“According to them, they never did. They howled, but they never tried attacking. Granny Smith is just fucking crazy.”

“Don’t you say that about—yeah, you’re right…” Applejack paused, thinking. “Well, I won’t tell her if none of you do. Whatever else she says or does, she’s a good cook and she ain’t hurting nopony.”

We all shrugged. Granny Smith is awesome, even if she’s a nutter. I wasn’t going to tell anyone important that she was crazy.

“Anyway,” I said, “that’s what I found out. Oh, and I also found out that the trees should be going into bloom within the week. We’ll find out if the wolves were telling the truth soon enough.”

And because I swear to someone that this is a cartoon world, Applebloom slammed the door open and screamed, “The zap apple trees are blooming!”

I didn’t even comment on the timing. I just went back to drinking the smoothie.

Applejack sighed and pushed back from the table. “Time to go to work. See y’all later. And thanks for the help, Nav.” There was another chorus of byes as she walked out.

“And I’m going to go see what Rarity wanted,” I said, standing up. “Taya, stay here and continue your lessons or whatever. We can talk later.” And I heard another small chorus of byes as I walked out the door and into the bright summer day. As the wind blew by, I felt the wetness in my crotch and remembered then that Fluttershy had been crying all over me. Well, this just got awkward.

Thankfully, it isn’t a long walk to Rarity’s unhumble abode. I made it over there without anyone asking if I pissed myself. I walked on in and couldn’t help but notice a pale yellow mare with blue hair and in a horrifying outfit walking around and yelling about looking sensational or something. Rarity saw me walk in and motioned me to wait.

I shrugged and walked over to a wall, content to watch. I quickly learned the mare’s name was Sapphire Shores and I was able to tell she was a pop star or something. When she bent over to look at something, I discovered she was a blank flank. I really wanted to make a joke about brainless pop stars, but I decided against it.

Either way, Rarity sent Miss Shores away with a very sparkly outfit that resonated with gems. Somehow, she didn’t notice me standing against the wall watching her walk out. Or if she did notice, she just didn’t care.

I walked toward the middle of the shop as Rarity let out a breath she had been holding. “God, I bet she moans like a slut in bed,” I commented. “I wouldn’t mind finding out.”

“Get in line,” Rarity scoffed. “I don’t know if it would be a long wait, knowing mares like her.” She blushed and added, “But that’s rude of me. Now, you and I need to talk.”

I crossed my arms. “Is it about the rape?”

“Well… sort of.”

I turned around and walked toward the door. She leapt in front of me, blocking the door with her body.

“I said sort of!”

“Rarity, I do not want it said that I punched a lady in the face. So make your point and make it fast.”

“I’m sorry, I regret it, it was stupid, I thought it was for the best and I know now that it wasn’t and that it was in fact probably the worst possible thing I could have done.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Rarity try to talk that quickly.

“Okay. Can I go now?”

“Nav, do you remember the intervention we had about you not confronting your problems?” I very loudly popped my knuckles, making her flinch. She held her ground, though. “You can hit me if you want, but I’m not letting you leave here until you tell me about how you really feel.”

“…How I really feel?” I mused.

Flo whispered, “Don’t do it, Nav.”

I walked closer to Rarity, looming over her. She leaned back, but didn’t move a step. “I was a virgin, Rarity. Not that it meant anything to you. I was saving that for a drunken one-night stand, not a rapist.” I paused, finding the words. “Your coat is so white, so pristine… When all the little ponies look at you, they see kind and generous white Rarity, the giving mare. When I look at you, I see the stains on your coat, the sins you hide. The kind and generous ruined Rapity that doesn’t take no for an answer and gives whether the receiver wants it or not. And that is all you will ever be. That’s all I will ever see. That is how I feel, Rarity. Move.”

Much to my surprise, she wasn’t a crying wreck. Hell, she looked fucking defiant. “That's all you see, yet you help me anyway? You've done so much for me and I've done so much for you, but the only part of any of what you'll see is the one dark deed I did and regret? The one thing I’ve tried to apologize for over and over? You know I hate myself for it and you know I regret ever thinking that stupid decision and yet you refuse to let it go? I’ve heard you mention the darkness in the hearts of man, but I never thought you were serious.”

It was tempting to knock her lights out and leave, but I wanted to see where this was going. “Swap the positions, Rarity. I drugged you and Pinkie and fucked you both. What would it take to have you forgive it?”

“Knowing you were sincere in your apology! Think and say what you want of me, Navarone, but I am a generous mare. I know how to give forgiveness, if an apology is true and sincere, as mine is.”

“You are generous, yes. But as you said, there is a darkness in my heart. Humans, we specialize in remembering the bad. We’re motivated by the hate in our hearts. When I wake up, it isn’t because I’m happy to see the new day. It’s because I look at the hatred I’ve gathered and decide I’m going to spend the day in defiance of those I hate. In my experience, almost every human is the same, even if they would refuse to admit it. I could try to forgive you, but the hate that drives me would always be there.”

“Then by all means, remember it as long as you must! Let the hate flow through you, if that is what it takes. But you can forgive anyway, Navarone. You asked me if I would forgive you. I would. I would happily forgive you, if I knew you were sincere. But I would never forget, Nav. I would be wary around you for the rest of my life. By all means, remember if that’s what you need, but that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive.”

And now the voice in my head decided to kick in. “Navarone, the only reason you refuse to forgive her is because you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right. That’s what it has been the entire time. Like it or not, Rarity is your friend. I can look over your past experiences with her and tell that much. You genuinely like being around her. You’re doing this, hurting her, out of spite.”

When I agreed to take you into my head, it was with the deal you would help me. And I swear to God if you say that this is helping me, I’m cutting myself. She shut up.

I ran a hand through my hair, thinking. Rarity and Flo were both right, as much as I absolutely hated to admit it. “Rarity, have you ever heard me use the word spite?”

She blinked a few times. “No, I don’t believe I have.”

I sighed. “It all comes down to that. Humans have it and ponies do not…” I sighed, rubbing my face. I knelt down and hugged her. I hate myself for this, but… “I forgive you, marshmallow. Christ, but it hurts.”

I felt her forelegs wrap around me. “I know, Nav. It hurt me too, for so long… And it probably always will. But now, the band aid is on and it can slowly begin to heal.” It sounded like she was getting choked up. Lord knows I felt some dust in my eyes. “Shh, just let it all out.”

“Rarity, if you talk to me like a baby again, I’m turning this hug into a smackdown.”

“It won’t happen again.” She was silent for a moment before giggling. “Besides, I’d tie you in a knot.”

“I think you remember what happened the last time you tried. And don’t think about that magic shit; I’d slip my ring either on me or on you.”

“My my, is that a proposal?”

I pulled away from the hug and said in the most sincere voice I had, “Rarity, will you marry me?”

Her mouth fucking dropped.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. No, it wasn’t a proposal. It was a threat. Now don’t be silly.” I reached up and closed her mouth, pulling her back into a hug for a moment. “You really are squishy like a marshmallow.” I squeezed her a few times before letting go and standing up. “Now, I need to go. We can talk more later, if you really want. I’ll see you eventually, Rarity.” With that, I opened the door and stepped over her, walking into a day that seemed a little brighter than it had before.

I quickly realized this was because I was standing in the reflection of a window. I got out of the glare and jerked back when I saw Taya staring at me. “Aren’t you supposed to be with Twilight?” I asked.

“I told her that I have daughterly duties to take care of. She understood.”

I had a bad feeling. I walked past her on the path to the manor. She jumped to follow me. “You can start talking at me whenever you want,” I said, jamming my hands in my pockets.

She was silent for a little while, just padding along next to me. “You never wanted a daughter. You never wanted any children. Celestia knew that. And you knew that if you really put up a fight, she wouldn’t make you keep me. Why did you decide to keep me?”

I wasn’t expecting to ever be asked that question, at least not by her. “Because you had been through too much. I wasn’t going to take you away from the one comfort you found, even if that comfort was me.”

“And you never thought about how much you had been through? Or how much more you might go through because of me?”

“Oh, I did.”

“And yet you helped me anyway,” she whispered.

“I did,” I quietly confirmed, nodding. “And I don’t regret it.”

We were silent the rest of the way there.

When we got back to the house, she jumped up and hugged me. “I love you, daddy,” she whispered as she nuzzled her face into my stomach.

I knelt down and hugged her back. “I love you too, Taya.”

The naga and I got interrupted by a royal guard during the middle of a practice session. I took my helmet off and wiped my sweaty brow with a metal-clad arm. “Can I help you?” I wearily asked.

I don’t know how long he was standing there, but he probably saw me getting my shit wrecked. Thankfully, he didn’t comment on that. “The princess wants to know if you are available for a meeting, sir.”

I was grateful for the break, but I wouldn’t let the naga know that. I turned to him and said, “Can’t say no to the princess.” I looked back to the guard. “When does she want to see me?”

“I’d imagine—” Whatever he was imagining was cut off by the sound of me not being there anymore.

“That naga sure knows his business,” Celestia commented, looking me over.

I tossed the stick I was using aside. “Yeah. I assume you’re looking for some hot monkey dick?” We were in her private chambers, so I was guessing that’s why I was there.

“Something like that.” She started walking around me, letting her tail freely hit me. “What would you say to something… different?”

“Unless I know what I’m getting into first, hell no. If you explain first, we’ll see.”

“Hm…” She stopped behind me. “Have you ever heard of infantilism?”

“…You want me to treat you like a baby?”

She huskily giggled. “Not quite.”

My wings jerked. “I don’t like being manhandled, Celestia.”

“Oh, I won’t be a man. I’ll even be a human for you. It’s just… something I’ve always wanted to try.” She draped her head over one of my shoulders and I felt a hoof caress a wing. “I won’t tell anypony.”

I sighed and muttered, “Fuck me for being a fool.” I unbuckled my chest plate. “Fine. If I tell you to stop, stop.”

She giggled with glee, backing away as I continued removing armor. I saw a hellishly bright flash coming from behind me and knew she was humanized. I ran out of armor to remove, leaving me in my dingy underclothes. “Sorry for being… well, nasty,” I said, turning. As usual, her size caught me off guard. She was at least a fucking foot taller than I was, so I was getting a face full of massive bare breasts. I grinned and poked one, watching them both jiggle.

“Oh, that won’t be a problem,” she said with her own secret smile. “I think the first order of business is a nice and relaxing bath…” Her horn lit up and the room slowly got bigger.

(Sort-of sex is coming. Ctrl-f Sort-of sex is over to skip)

“Whoa whoa, what the fuck are you—” A finger on my much smaller mouth silenced me.

“Nav, babies can’t talk.” She reached down and gently picked me up out of my now overly large clothes, cradling my somewhat terrified form. “I read in one of Twilight’s letters how you react to youthification spells. And we couldn’t have as much… fun… if you were a regular baby anyway. I promise to not hurt you.” She gently rubbed one of my tiny wings, hitting all of the pleasure spots with two fingers. She grinned at my noticeable reaction. “Just relax, Nav. If I go too far, just let me know. Until then…” She walked over to a desk and picked up a pacifier.

“Oh hell no. You stick that thing in me and I’m jamming it up your ass.”

She sighed. “Can you at least pretend to get into this for me?”

I ruffled my feathers. “You owe me big time for this. And I swear to God, if you tell Luna…” Her wings sagged in relief and she lifted the pacifier to my face. I let her slip it inside my mouth.

She smiled and affectionately rubbed my hair. “That’s a good boy. Now that you can’t talk at me with that cute little voice… Well, between you and me, you’d have a hard time getting that pacifier in my rear around the plug.” I rolled my eyes as she slowly walked over to what I assumed was her bathroom area. The only good part about this so far is that my entire body got to rest against her expansive bosom. I snuggled in further, since it had been so long since I got to play with their wonderful squishiness.

We got to Celestia’s washroom and I saw how huge it was. And that wasn’t just because I was small, either; that place was about as big as my bedroom, with a tub about as big as my bed. Apparently she was expecting me to say yes, because there was already a bath laid out. She slowly eased herself into the water, holding me steadily above it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if normally the water would be about at my neck if I sat down. That would be over my head right now, so I was in no hurry to leave her arms. The water was barely lukewarm, oddly.

“There, there,” Celestia whispered, cupping some water in one of her hands and pouring it over me. She began to vocalize a song I had heard a good number of times since I got here from several different sources.

When she got me good and wet, she started gently rubbing me with a washcloth. She paid special attention to my nonexistent tummy. “Looks like somepony might be hungry,” she quietly said. “I’ll feed you later, honey.” She better not try feeding me fucking baby food. I’ll throw that shit in her face.

She let the washcloth sink into the water and soaped up her hand. “I need to be extra careful here,” she whispered, cradling my manhood in her silky-smooth hands. Or maybe it was babyhood, now, though it didn’t stay soft and baby-like long. Unfortunately, she didn’t spend nearly enough time on that part of me. She chortled at the expression she apparently saw on my face, but didn’t comment. Her soapy hand continued down my legs to my feet. I felt myself flinch as she passed over my soles. She noticed that and did a few times. “What’s this?” She smiled deeply. “Is somepony ticklish?”

Oh fuck me… Thankfully, she decided not to abuse it and instead continued running her soapy hand all over my body. I didn’t mind much of what she did to the front of me. When she flipped me over, though…

I will never live down the indignation of having her finger slipping between my crack, or her giggles when she saw my wings shoot straight back in surprise. “Oh? Does somepony like it when I rub that spot?” she asked. I felt her hand start rubbing more until I kicked her right in the nipple and pushed myself out of her arms.

She caught me right as I hit the water. “Well, isn’t somepony grumpy?” She turned me back over and saw my glare. “Fiiiine.” She turned me again and continued washing my back. “Since you’ve been so patient, you get a reward!” She draped my body over one of her breasts so my back was facing out. She then used both hands to lather up my wings, using some special kind of shampoo. I was panting by the time she decided to stop, close to the edge. I think she could hear my grunt of dissatisfaction.

She grabbed me under my arms and held me up so she could look me in the eye. “Good little boys get rewards. Bad little boys get spankings. I can’t hurt my little baby, but I can remind him who’s boss.”

Fine. Play by the rules, I get to cum. Start messing up her little wonderland, bad things happen. I gave a small nod to show that I understand.

She grinned and whispered, “Good boy,” before bringing me in and kissing my forehead. “Now let’s rinse you off and get you dressed.”

Wait, what?

She went back to cradling me and scooped up more water, slowly rinsing the soap off. Again, special attention was given to my wings, just enough to really get me close before she backed off. I fluttered them, trying to get more attention.

“Aww, how cute!” I was starting to get pissed off.

Next thing I knew, I was lifted way up into the air as Celestia stood, letting water cascade off her wonderfully sexy body. I just wish I had a better view; being cradled against her chest did have a bad side. I felt a soft towel start to brush me down as she gently dried me off. Thankfully, she didn’t try to discreetly pleasure me this time, and I was quickly dried.

Not so thankfully, she proceeded to pull out a baby outfit. I looked down on it in disdain and looked up, trying to give her my best ‘fuck off’ look.

She grinned at that. “If you don’t like this one, I have a spare…” She pulled out a little girl’s outfit. I struggled to reach the other one that was at least made for a boy, but she held me firm. “No, no. You made your interest clear.”

I pulled the pacifier out and said, “If you’re not—”

I barely saw her horn lit up as something closed my mouth. She held me up to look me in the face again. “Babies don’t talk. Nod your head if you’re willing to keep going if I give you the right outfit.”

I was tempted to do the baby equivalent of telling her to go fuck herself, but she did really seem to enjoy this. At that point, I didn’t give two fucks about her enjoying it, but I knew if she enjoyed it, I could get damn near whatever I wanted from her later—and not just sex. I nodded.

The smile on her face returned and I put the annoying pacifier back in place. If she was going to make me carry this thing all day, why not at least flavor it?

Her horn lit up and the evil outfit flew back to its dark hiding place. She set me down on a table. Her horn lit up again and… ugh, diapers floated over.

I gave her the flattest of flat stares at she gently picked up my lower half by one of my ankles and started rubbing my bottom and the sides of my legs with some kind of fluid. When she let me rest back on the table, I realized that she had used magic to push the diaper under me. She grinned as she lifted it between my legs. As the final coup de grace of embarrassment, she forced my now-soft dick down as she tightly wrapped the diaper around me.

Now just what was the point of that? Really! My stare turned into a glare as she hitched the diaper up high and tightened it.

She just said, “Gotta make sure you don’t shoot up!” Now just what the hell does that mean?

With that embarrassing thing on, she pulled up a tight onesie that had leggings that ended in socks. “There, that should keep you warm!” she merrily commented as she zipped the back up, making sure my wings fit snugly through the holes.

I really wanted to facepalm.

She picked me up and walked over to a rocking chair that had to have been specially made for this purpose; there’s no way a horse the size of Celestia could fit in that thing. Jesus, how much planning and time did she put into this? Doesn’t she have a country to run?

She plopped her plot down and just cradled me for a minute, vocalizing again. I spent that minute rubbing one of her nipples, hoping that if I could get her in the mood, she’d be willing to finish me off.

It didn’t work. She lifted me a little and finally pulled out the pacifier. “Dinner time!” she sang. It was then that I noticed her horn was lit and probably had been for some time. She positioned my face right at her nipple.

What.

I craned my head up to look her in the eyes to see if they were red or dilated, because this bitch had to be smoking something. I didn’t see any signs. She was just smiling at me, waiting.

I’ve done a number of weird things since I got here. Who knows? Maybe sun goddess milk tastes good. I looked back at her nipple, shrugged, put my mouth to it, and began to treat it like a pedophile in a back alley.

Nothing happened. Well no shit nothing happened, she wasn’t pregnant.

I pulled back, cocking my head at it. Celestia sighed, reached over to a table, picked up a magazine, and sat me in her lap to read it. She pointed to a specific part that told me in more details than I wanted how a stallion should relieve his wife if the baby isn’t hungry and the wife has swollen and turgid crotchtits.

I turned back and looked at Celestia. “What the fuck kind of magazine is this?” I asked.

She closed the magazine and picked me up again, putting me back to her nipple. I sighed against it, making it nice and perky, before putting my mouth around the entire areola and… ‘sucking and pulling.’ I was soon rewarded with warm and actually very tasty milk.

How? Magic, that’s how.

When I felt close to bursting, I pulled away. I could actually see myself asking to do that part again, if I thought I could get away with it. She held me up again, and I felt through the stupid outfit I was wearing that the hand that wasn’t holding me against her chest was wet. She was getting off to that. “Now wasn’t that fun?” she asked. I smiled, since babies don’t talk.

She pulled me back and put my head over her shoulder. I had time to wonder what she was doing before she started gently tapping my back. She’s trying to burp me. This’ll be interesting. A minute later, she gave up. Well, I guess it wasn’t that interesting after all.

She sat me back on her lap and continued rocking for a few moments, humming. “I’m thinking… exercise next?” She lifted me way into the air. “Flap your wings!” she said in a baby voice. I couldn’t stop myself from facepalming this time. “Come on, Navi, you can do it!” I flapped my wings for her, trying to put on that stupid smile I always seem to see babies with. After about half a minute of aimlessly doing that, she pulled me in for a small hug. She stood up like that and carried me over to the table and laid me down. She grabbed my feet and started pushing my legs or something.

I just let her do whatever. She put me through a few other exercises on the table before grinning. Her horn lit up and I felt something… twist inside of me.

Nothing happened.

I tilted my head, blinking. She furrowed her brow and poked me in the stomach. “Well that was supposed to do something. Do you feel okay?”

I figured that was my cue to talk. “I felt something twist inside me, like a small stomach cramp. What did you do?”

She turned me over and poked my ass. “Um… Nav?”

I sighed as she flipped me back over. “First, ew. Second, what the fuck? Third, ever since Twilight melted my insides, I can’t… do that. Everything gets recycled. I save a fortune on toilet paper. Fourth, fucking ew.”

She blinked a few times. “Huh.” Then she gave me a lascivious grin. “Well, I have a backup idea.” Her hands went to my wings and the molestation of a lifetime began. Right when I was about to peak, someone slammed on the door and Celestia jerked my wings in surprise. Imagine getting kicked in the dick and you’ll have a reasonable approximation of what that felt like.

(Sort-of sex is over)

“Do not move,” Celestia said in a voice that could kill gods. I don’t think I could move if I wanted to, with as much pain as that put me in. Her horn lit up like the sun as she changed back.

She slammed the door open with the fury of the goddess and I think the guard that was knocking pissed himself. I’m not joking, I actually heard water hitting the floor.

“What.”

“P-p-p-princess, w-w-we have an e-e-emergency!”

She was silent. “Bring me Cadance at once. Sprint, soldier.” I had a bad feeling. The door clicked shut and Celestia walked back over. In a very consoling voice, she said, “Nav—”

“Don’t you dare leave me with her,” I said, standing up. “Don’t you dare.”

“I can’t leave you alone and I can’t turn you back. Even I have limits. I’m already exhausted from turning to a human and back to a pony. Turning you back to normal would be too much for me. But again, I can’t just leave you here alone.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I have enemies, Navarone. I will not risk having you hurt by somepony that wants to hurt me by hiding in my room. As long as you keep up the act and don’t talk, I can convince her that this was a magical mistake and that she is to consider it a state secret. She thinks you’re a baby, you get played with until I can pawn the emergency off on Luna, and then I owe you more than I ever thought I would.”

I crossed my arms. “You’re fucking right you do. I swear to… Fuck.” I waved a hand to the side of the room. “Hide my armor. Tell her Twilight fucked up and you decided to deal with it. Leave a knife somewhere I can reach it in case of emergencies.” I held up a warning finger. “And Celestia? If she tries to play dress-up with me, I’m coming for you.” I let my finger fall and looked around the room. “You can’t just leave me here on the table…” I stretched my wings, glad to finally use them. I flew over to the bed and landed in the center. “Christ but that twist hurt. Be more careful with my wings, Celestia.” When I was able to look around again, I saw that all of my armor was… somewhere, with one of my throwing knives on top of a dresser.

There was a gentler knocking at the door and I lied down. Celestia spread her wings to try to hide me from view and opened the door. “What did you need, auntie? Also… I think somepony spilled something on your floor.”

Celestia sighed. “Cadance, what I’m about to show you is a state secret. Swear you will tell or show nopony else.”

“Sure. Usually state secrets are too boring to share anyway.” She tried peeking under one of Celestia’s wings.

“That isn’t a swear.”

Cadance sighed. “Fine. I swear I won’t tell anypony.”

Celestia let her wings drop and backed up. Cadance wasted no time barging in. Her eyes quickly darted around the room until they settled on me.

The sound she made would forever haunt my nightmares if I didn’t have Flo to guard my mind.

When she finished trying to give me a heart attack by squeeing way too adorably, she attempted to rush over to the bed but was grabbed by Celestia’s magic. “Cadance, calm down,” Celestia told her. “You’ll scare him like that.” Celestia walked over to the bed and brushed my head with one of her wings. “Twilight messed up a spell and decided it would not be safe for him anywhere in Ponyville. You know how her friends are. However, something important came up and I am needed. I am trusting you with this, Cadance. You know how valuable he is. The spell should wear off by tomorrow. I will be back as soon as I can.” Celestia walked over to the trembling form of Cadance and poked her in the chest. “Treat him as you would a more mature Skyla. Human babies are different from foals, I have found. Very different. All you need to do is watch him and make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. Now, do you have any questions?”

“Have you fed him yet?” Celestia nodded. “Can I bring Skyla by to play?”

Celestia looked back at me for a moment. I gave a tiny shake of my head. She turned back and said, “I would prefer that you didn’t. If you do, try to keep them apart. As I said, human babies are… different.”

“Can I tell Shiny or Luna?”

“Absolutely not. You are not to leave my quarters with him for any reason other than the castle being on fire.”

“So why is this a state secret, anyway? So Twilight messed up a youngifying spell, big deal. You remember the time she changed the gender of half the palace?” Now that’s a story I’ll be asking Spike about.

“Because this is Navarone we’re talking about. Trust me when I say that you have never seen him angry. I have. There were no survivors. One of his biggest buttons is being seen as weak in any way. If anypony points this out to him, that would likely make him as angry as hurting Taya.” Now that’s not tru—Yeah, I can’t deny it. “Besides, you know he has enemies.” I don’t think I have any enemies anywhere near here that would be willing to actually hurt me, but whatever.

“…Can he talk?”

“He’s a baby, Cadance. Don’t be silly.” Notice how she avoided lying. “Now I wish I could keep answering questions, but I really must find out what was so important.” She dropped Cadance to the floor. “Be. Careful.” With that last warning, she left.

Leaving me alone.

With Cadance.

Who turned on me as soon as the door clicked shut with a shark’s grin. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

I wish I knew how to cry like a baby.

I think she saw the fear on my face anyway, because she immediately calmed down. “Sh, sh, it’s okay…” She reached her head out to nuzzle me in the chest. I got a funny idea.

As soon as her nose hit me, I wrapped my arms and legs around her face, holding on tightly. She pulled up and I held on, letting her carry me. I think I felt her grin and that’s when I decided on the basic game plan.

I could hate every minute of this. I could just stare at Cadance like Taya did for way too long and make it boring and annoying for both of us. Or I could say fuck it and have as much fun as I could while she didn’t know it was the actual me. She has fun, I have fun, and best of all she doesn’t know I was fully aware of what was going on.

“That’s my face, silly!” I felt her hooves go to my underarms and attempt to tickle me off her. Now, hooves aren’t good for tickling, but I was in full-on ‘fuck it’ mode here and giggled, squirming and letting go. “Aww, Celestia is just a big grumpy-whumps. I think this’ll be a lot of fun!” She hopped up on the bed, holding me up. “Say, you don’t mind if we go for a quick trip to get you a friend, do you?” I just continued smiling. I didn’t really want to mess around with a baby alicorn, but I figured I could stay out of her way and she could stay out of mine. “Let’s see…” She looked around the room before settling on the bed. “Duh!”

She gently set me down and used the large blanket to wrap me up. “Now you be still in there!” She left as much of my face uncovered as possible, and I definitely couldn’t move even if I wanted to. She picked the blanket up with her mouth and with a soft pop, we teleported. She gently set me on the floor and whispered, “Shhh,” before backing away. “Sorry to burst in like this, but I got a bit of free time.” I had no clue who she was talking to. “Can you load some toys in this bag while I get her ready to move?”

“Of course, Princess,” some random female voice answered.

A minute or two later, Cadance said, “Thank you. You’re welcome to have the rest of the day off.”

“Thank you, Princess. I might go down to Ponyville and visit that human. I met him the last time he was in the palace and he seemed… nice.” Now I knew where I recognized that voice from. It was the mare I molested in exchange for silence.

“He’s out of town; you’d just be wasting your time.” With that, Cadance came back over to me, picked the blanket up again, and back we went to Celestia’s room. She walked over to the bed and unwrapped me again before using magic to pull her nastily pink spawn off a little holster on her back. “Nav, this is Skyla. Skyla, this is Nav. Now you two play nice while I set up a little play area.”

I looked over at Skyla. She looked at me. I held up a fist. She gave a mostly toothless grin and blew a spit bubble.

Charming. I removed my fist and nodded at her. There goes the hope that babies here are secretly smart. Or maybe this one is just retarded.

Cadance came back over and interrupted my musings and Skyla’s… whatever she was doing. “There we go.” She picked Skyla up and set her on the floor before holding a hoof in front of me. I grinned and wrapped my arms around it and laughed as she lifted me up and over her, slowly setting me down on the floor. I think she was surprised when she realized I was able to actually stand. “Wow, she wasn’t wrong about you being different! Already able to stand!” She shrugged. “Must be easier with two legs.” Fuck you’re stupid.

She put her attention back on Skyla as I walked over to the play area she apparently set up for us. I studied the area quickly before deciding my best bet for fucking with Cadance while not blowing my cover was with the lettered blocks. By the time Skyla had been herded our way, I managed to spell out REDRUM.

Cadance looked over and grinned until she noticed what it actually spelled. “Huh. That’s…” Then the realization actually hit her and the smile faltered. “Well that’s creepy.” I grinned up at her, pretending to be proud. She tousled my hair with a wing while using magic to surreptitiously rearrange the blocks.

I turned back and scratched my head, acting confused. The blocks now spelled HAPPY! Eventually I shrugged and started building. It wasn’t until I had a city block that I realized just how many fucking blocks she had managed to fit into the bag. I looked over at my work with the biggest ‘what the fuck’ look I had, genuinely confused. How on earth? Well, I guess it helps that I’m not on Earth. Or at least, not my earth.

That’s when I realized Cadance was constantly summoning blocks with magic or something, just to see what I would do. I was tempted to start juggling them, but my muscle mass decreased with my size loss and not even the magic whatever that usually sustains my stamina would help me with something like that. Also, it would probably blow my cover.

So instead, I turned into Godzilla. It was surprisingly fun, and the feral grin I had on my face likely terrified Cadance.

“She really wasn’t kidding about you being different. Or… maybe it’s just little colts? It’s been a while since I foalsat any of them. Meh.” She lifted me with magic and sat me down in front of Skyla, who was shaking a set of toy keys.

I looked around the immediate vicinity, trying to tell what kind of toys I had at my disposal. Two rattles, another set of keys, and one of those shape matching things. Why are their toys the same as ours? Fucking ponies. I grabbed the shape thing and looked over at Skyla, figuring I can at least do some good while I was stuck.

I scooted over to the pink beast and very lightly poked her in the side. She gave me a look of pure rage that lasted all of a second before the happy smile came back. Well, that was terrifying. I picked up one of the shapes and slid it into the proper slot before pushing the contraption over to her, holding up one of the shapes for her.

She slowly took it, looked at it, and then slipped it into her mouth. I gave her a disappointed look. She reached into her mouth and threw the thing dead at my head. I barely dodged to the side, but Cadance’s magic caught it right before it would have hit me. A smattering of drool leaked down and fell into my lap.

“Now you two play nice!” Cadance said, slipping the block into the correct slot.

I moved away from Skyla. I’m smart enough to learn my lesson and if she didn’t want to play nice, I wasn’t going to mess with her. I didn’t want to risk being hurt and I didn’t want to risk accidentally hurting her. I settled instead for moving over next to Cadance and climbing on top of her. Eventually I stood on top of her head, holding onto her horn and looking over my domain. I have successfully scaled Mount Cadance. Now if only I had a flag to tie to her horn. I considered for a moment stripping down and impaling the incredibly annoying diaper to it, but decided against it.

Just as I was about to sit down and get comfortable, Miss Bitchypants started bawling. Cadance reached up and grabbed me with her hooves before setting me back down on the floor. She walked over to Skyla and knelt down. She quickly jerked back, nose scrunched. Her horn lit up and the window opened. After that, she grabbed Skyla and carried her over to the changing table. She sang a song as she changed her daughter.

And this is where things got weird. Well, weirder, which is saying something when you stop to think about it. As soon as she started singing, I heard something from the window. I turned my head over that way to see a panting pegasus silently land in the room, a unicorn on his back. The unicorn’s horn started glowing and an aura lit up each hoof on the pegasus. He sprinted to the closet with no noise, quietly opened it, and slipped inside, closing it behind them.

What the fuck? I walked over to the door and put my ear to it. “Get off me, you lazy bum!”

I heard a few grumbles. “There. Now, let’s just wait until she’s asleep.”

“What about the ugly monkey?”

“Who cares about a stupid pet? We’re here for the cute one.”

“Yeah, yeah, but if we took him, he might fetch a high price on the black market. You know how much some ponies like weird pets.”

“Ain’t nopony gonna want to pay for something that ugly. Now shush.”

…Whoever these two people were, I was going to kill them extra hard. I looked over to make sure my knife was still where Celestia left it. It definitely was. It was a throwing knife, which meant it wouldn’t get too deep, but I could catch them by surprise.

Cadance was just about done, so I walked back over to the blocks and started writing cryptic statements in 1337. 4554551N5 1N C10537. G00N5 W47CH1NG. H31P 1M 7R4PP3D 1N 4 B10CK F4C70RY.

It’s been a while since I worked with 1337, give me a break.

When I ran out of things to say, I looked around the room again. Skyla was banging two rattles together, presumably pretending my head was between them. Cadance was looking at some of what I wrote, scratching her head. “It’s like words, but…”

Before she could actually decipher it, I began climbing her front leg again. She lifted it up, grinning at me. “You want to play?” She set me back down on the floor and kneeled down in front of me. She threw her wings in front of her face. “Where’d Nav go?” She lifted the wings aside. “There you are!” I smiled as she repeated the process a few times.

Then Skyla had to go and ruin the fun again by crying. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t particularly amusing to see Cadance flexing her wings, but the smile on her face was worth it.

Cadance trotted over to her daughter and picked her up. I saw Skyla flash a smug grin my way. Oh, so that’s how it is. I have to admit, I was somewhat tempted to play her game, but then I realized I was about to try to compete with a baby for that baby’s mom’s attention. While I was an adult.

Fuck that noise. Instead, I built a bridge in front of the closet door so I would know as soon as it was opened. I noticed Cadance was crotchtit feeding Skyla and I watched that in morbid curiosity for a minute before shaking myself and going back to booby-trapping the floor and door. I jammed play-doh into the edge of the door to hopefully make opening it harder, though honestly I imagined it would just be hard to clean out.

Then I found out how semi-irresponsible Cadance was: She had a set of metal knucklebones. I guess they’re called jacks by most people. To me, they meant pain for sensitive hooves. I set them out in front of the closet door and pushed them into the carpet so that the points faced up.

I would have done more, but Cadance was starting to pay attention again and I didn’t want her to notice. I carefully walked through my minefield over to the play area. I wanted to keep playing with the blocks, but Skyla decided to make that her domain, so instead I just wandered around the room, poking my nose in Celestia’s personal business. Cadance was quick to stop me whenever I got near something that might hurt me, so I stayed away from the dresser with the knife.

I found out that Celestia actually did have some clothing. It was mostly frilly, lacy, and see-through. I had ideas for it later, and I had to rearrange my diapered self as I walked.

Very thankfully for me, it was nearing night when Celestia first teleported me, so it didn’t take that long to get dark. When Skyla started yawning, Cadance pulled me over with magic. “I know today has been really upsetting for you, Nav. I bet you’re tired.” Not really, but watching Skyla yawn was making me yawn, so it was easy to fake it. “Unfortunately, I don’t have a crib here for you. That just means you two get to sleep with me!”

At that point, I actually liked the sound of that. Cadance is soft and squishy and would make a good pillow. However, sleeping on or near her means that it would be harder to sneak away. I quickly grabbed a blanket as she started arranging Celestia’s bed around. I wrapped some blocks in it until I was hoping it weighed as much or around as much as I did and held it against myself, hoping she would let me lie down with it.

When she saw me holding the blanket and giving her a sad and tired look, she gave a small smile. “You can keep the blanket, Nav. Now come on up, both of you.” Her magic lifted us into the air and she jumped onto the bed on her back, letting her wings unfurl. Skyla went to one side and I went to the other and she wrapped us both against her. With another flash of her horn, the light clicked off.

It might be harder to escape than I thought… I remember Cadance being a pretty heavy sleeper from my time in the caves, but I also remember her saying I kept her up all night when I was fucking Kumani outside her door.

I waited until I was sure she was asleep before slipping out of her grasp, leaving the blanket full of blocks there. She murmured something, but didn’t wake up. I stretched out my wings and flew over to the dresser, grabbing the knife. With that in hand, I flew over to a tall bookcase near the closet and waited.

Almost an hour after I got into position, I heard whispering from inside the closet. “Now I’m going to cast a mute spell over both of us. I’ll kill the girl and you get ready to fly us out.”

“What about the monkey?”

“Forget the stupid monkey! Do you want to risk this getting traced back? Do you know what that cunt would do to us if she found us? It wouldn’t be pretty.”

That told me two things: One, they couldn’t make a noise. Two, I had to kill the unicorn first. I was already going to do that because I didn’t have my ring, but that just cemented it.

The door slowly opened, knocking over the blocks. It stopped when they heard the noise, and they waited for any kind of reaction. After a minute, they continued pushing the door open. The unicorn poked his head out first. I saw his mouth move, but nothing came out. He stepped into the room and right onto a pin. He jerked back, his mouth opening wide as he looked down at his hoof and the jack now impaled into it. He snarled and shook his hoof away, knocking the thing off. Then he took another step and would have howled if he wasn’t silenced. The pegasus followed him out, presumably snickering. He jumped into the air, bypassing the area as the unicorn cautiously tread over the traps I set.

Him paying attention to that meant he didn’t hear me take off from my bookshelf. I landed on his back, using both of my hands to slam the knife down into his neck, on his spine. His head jerked up, his eyes opened wide, and I saw his mouth open in a silent scream as I tried to twist the knife out. He was dead, he just didn’t know it yet. The back of his body did, since it fell to the ground when it stopped getting instructions from his brain because his spinal cord was severed.

Unfortunately, him falling like that meant my knife got trapped in bones and I couldn’t pull it out. His partner turned when he heard the guy fall. It was night out and there was a new moon so he couldn’t see me, but he did know his partner was on the floor. I let go of the knife and scurried away, hoping he wouldn’t notice me. He walked over and nudged his partner a few times with a hoof.

When he finally realized the other guy wasn’t getting up at all, he looked close to panicking. I picked that moment to fly over to his face and use both of my hands to punch his eyes while I was flying. He reared back, slamming his hooves in front of him. I tried dodging, but one of them managed to hit one of my wings, sending me spinning to the ground and onto some of the jacks. It hurt, but he was spinning around, trying to find whatever had hit him.

I rolled over to his buddy’s body and tried to shift him around so I could pull my knife out. It just would not fucking budge!

The living one noticed the dead one moving and walked over again, poking him on the back. He hit just the right spot and finally realized his friend had a knife in the neck and was very dead. His shock allowed me the perfect opportunity to jump up and bite him on the neck.

Now, if I was full sized and had all my strength, it would have ended very poorly for him. As a tiny version of me, I only had enough force to break skin and taste blood. It was enough to make him panic, though, since he was a prey animal getting bitten. He used both of his front hooves to throw me away. I slammed into his friend’s neck, where the knife was stuck.

This had the dual purpose of hurting like hell and knocking my knife loose. I managed to stand and grab the knife from where it had fallen on the carpet.

The guy was looking everywhere, his head shaking around as he backed toward the window. He was, quite literally, jumping at every shadow he saw. I spread my wings and jumped into the air, getting as close to the ceiling as I could before I gave this fucker the same treatment I gave his friend. As he fell, I whispered, “You fucked with the wrong monkey, bub. Tell that to your friend in hell.”

I hopped off his lifeless back, leaving the knife there. I padded my way over to the door, finally thankful for the shitty onesie I was in since it made my footfalls silent. I slowly turned the door handle, opening it as quietly as I could. And then I just slipped out and into Celestia’s anteroom.

I was sitting on a couch for twenty minutes before a very pissed off Celestia got back. She took one look at me and just raised her hoof to her face. She stepped inside and shut the door with magic.

“We have a problem,” I said.

“Did Cadance find out the ruse?” she quietly asked. “That would be my luck, given how this day went.”

“Worse. I killed two assassins that were trying to kill Skyla.”

She blinked, taking almost a full minute to process that. Then she took in my appearance and saw the blood on me. “Well. I didn’t use nearly as much magic as I was expecting to use on this emergency, so I have the spare magic to turn you back.” She picked me up with magic and undressed me; I would have done so already, but the zipper was at the perfectly wrong position and I couldn’t get it all the way down. When I was fully unclothed, her horn lit up much brighter and I turned back. “I assume she’s still asleep?”

“Yeah,” I answered as I wrapped a conveniently placed blanket around myself. “Never once woke up. Go in there, pull the bodies out, and we never tell her this happened.”

“I have a… different idea. Come.”

“Speaking of cumming…” I muttered as I followed her to the door. She swatted me with her tail, not even gracing that with an answer. She opened the door and flipped the light switch.

Cadance flinched and leaned up, bleary-eyed. As soon as she realized I wasn’t next to her, she jerked. As her eyes started searching the room, she saw the bodies. Both of her hooves went to her mouth and tears formed in her eyes.

“You were very lucky Navarone turned back when he did,” Celestia said, walking in.

I followed her in, holding the blanket up. “Last thing I fucking remember was Twilight’s horn lighting up. I swear, every spell she casts fucks up somehow. Next thing I know I’m naked and killing assassins.” I walked over to the pegasus body and pulled out my knife, wiping it off on his coat.

I don’t know if Cadance was paying attention. Tears were streaming down her face. Not long after I finished my little monologue, Skyla started crying.

I groaned. “God I hate the sound of crying babies.” I walked over to the body of the unicorn and pushed it over with my foot, seeing if he had anything on him. There was nothing but a bulging purse. I grabbed it and said, “Dibs.”

“I do not know why these two were here,” Celestia said, “but—”

“I do,” I answered. “I heard one of them say ‘kill the kid.’ Er, foal, not kid. Habit.” I walked over to the changing table and dumped the bag. At least a hundred bits, probably the advance pay. It also came with a note that I quickly scanned. “Yep, here to kill Skyla.” I held it up. Celestia’s magic pulled it over and she read it more thoroughly.

I heard someone open the front door of Celestia’s room and I got my knife ready to throw. In walked Luna. “Sister, I—Sweet moon! GUARDS!” Ten seconds later, we had two guards in there, gaping at the bodies.

Celestia turned to them. “Get a search party together. Search every room in the palace, starting with Luna’s. Detain anypony not on the palace roster. Bring Shining Armor here immediately. These two got in somehow.”

I looked over to the still-open window. “If I had to guess, it was through the window.”

Celestia nodded. “Most likely. Guards, move!” They sprinted out to do her bidding.

Luna looked over to me. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you here? And naked?”

“I wish I could tell you,” I said with a shrug. “I have no idea what the fuck happened. I woke up on the bed, found one of my throwing knives on a dresser, saw these two walk out, and dealt with them after I heard them whispering about killing Skyla. Celestia, what the hell?”

“Twilight turned you into a baby. That’s the only explanation we have time for. Luna, can you… deal with these bodies? And here’s the note they had.” She passed the note over to Luna, who read over it.

When she finished, she nodded. “I will take care of it and send tendrils out. Somepony knows something and I will find them.” Her horn lit up and the two bodies picked themselves off the floor, blood dripping from their necks. “Better anywhere than with a crying foal,” I heard her mutter as she walked out, the bodies trailing her.

I finally looked over to Cadance and saw her rocking back and forth on the bed, cradling Skyla against her furry chest. They were both crying. I walked over to the bed and threw the baby blanket and blocks out of the way before sitting down and wrapping an arm and a wing around Cadance.

“It’s alright. You’re both fine.”

Celestia quickly took a position on the other side of her, wrapping another wing around her. We did our best to comfort her, but her eyes never left the bloodstains.

I think Shining Armor probably made record time to Celestia’s room. He may not have known what happened, but the bloodstains and the terrified Cadance told him enough. I hopped up as he jumped toward the bed, letting him take my position. I decided it might be best to give them some time, so I walked out. Celestia followed me.

When she shut the door and we were alone, I poked her in the chest. “You. Owe. Me.” Each word was punctuated with another poke.

“Yes I do. More than I already did.”

I walked over to the couch I was on before, lying down. “And fuck do you have a weird fetish. What the hell was the emergency, anyway?”

“A fire in the city. It’s clear now that it was a distraction. I don’t know how many assassin teams they must have sent if one of them ended up in my room to attack Skyla. They could have—”

The door to the hall slammed open and Shining Armor walked in. Celestia and I shared a look before we both jumped to the door hiding Celestia’s room. Celestia’s magic tore it open just as a body of a changeling flew out, ramming into Celestia’s face and knocking her on her ass.

Shining Armor gasped and tried running past, but I grabbed his tail and swiped his flank with my knife. It bled red and I let him attend his wife. When he got into the other room, I checked on Celestia. She had a minor nosebleed, nothing major.

She lifted a hoof to her nose, finding the blood. “I haven’t seen my own blood in years,” she murmured.

I patted her on the equine shoulder equivalent. “Welcome to mortality, population everyone.” I held my hand out. “Now come on. You need to be seen by the palace staff.”

She somehow grabbed my hand with her nonbloody front hoof and stood. She didn’t actually pull on me or anything, since that would end with me on the floor. “Nav, I need you to stand guard on Cadance and Shining Armor.” Her horn lit up and my armor appeared from wherever it had been. With it came my sword. “Nopony gets in without their blood being checked.”

I let the blanket fall and slid on my dingy pants, glad to finally have clothes on. “Again I say: You owe me,” I told her as I started putting armor on. “And you better make sure Twilight covers for me, if Cadance or Luna asks.”

“I’m not a fool, Navarone. I’ve already sent the letter. I will also tell Cadance and Luna not to ask her about it later.”

When I got fully dressed, she left and I took up a position next to the door to the room with Cadance and Shiny. It wasn’t closed this time, so I could hear everything going on within.

I’ll not print it here.

Some time later, they came out. Shining Armor led a trembling Cadance, a sleeping Skyla secured in a saddle thing on Cadance’s back. I had covered the changeling body because I really didn’t want to look at that. Shiny stopped in front of me and pulled me down in a hug. I attempted to pull away because it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he made it quite clear that resistance was futile.

When he finally pulled back, I saw that his eyes were rimmed with red. “Thank you, Navarone. You saved the love of my life and my child again.” He forced a grin and added, “You’re making me look bad.”

I shrugged and answered, “That won’t make me stop. You just need to step up your game, Shiny. I’ll escort you two to your room and then I’m going home.”

He nodded. “I’ll lead the way. You stay near Cadance.” He pushed the hallway door open, peeking both ways. Cadance followed him when he deemed it was safe and I followed her, drawing my sword just in case. I walked next to Cadance through the halls.

“You know,” I commented, “I figured the castle would be safe against this kind of shit. I mean, sure Chrysalis fucked you guys up, but that was a queen. Three assassins shouldn’t be able to just get in here.”

“There was a fire in the city,” Shining Armor answered. “I believe now that it was set to get as many guards away from the palace as possible, since so many of them are pegasi. We’ll have more information soon, hopefully.”

“Well, if you ever find out who hired these guys, let me know. I got some murder to do.”

“Normally I don’t agree with your punishment ideas, but this time…” He looked back at Cadance and Skyla. “This time, I think you might be right.” That’s not a good sign.

I decided not to comment, though. We made it the rest of the way in silence. Shiny did another once-over on their room in case the guards that searched it before missed anything.

“Alright, if you two are set, I’m going home,” I told them, putting my sword up.

Shiny gave his wife a look before turning back to me. “I’ll try to stop by your home as soon as I can, Navarone. We need to talk about something.”

“Sure. If I’m not there, I’m probably in town. Don’t freak out about my changeling maid or my timber dog.” The way he acts, he’s hardly a wolf.

“I really want to ask questions about that, but it can wait. I will see you soon, Navarone.”

I waved before walking back down the hall, trying to find a window I could sneak out of without Luna or Celestia finding out I left.

Chapter Sixty-Nine—What did I ever do to deserve this?

Chapter Sixty-Nine—What did I ever do to deserve this?

A note from Discord

When I found out there were assassins attacking Skyla…

There is a place I find myself when I get angry. When I am in my usual mood, I bluster and I pretend to be foolish because it’s amusing and it catches everyone off guard.

But when I get angry, you are in the eye of the storm.

“TRIXIE!” She scrambled through the caves to attend me. She didn’t get there fast enough for my liking and I slammed a fist through reality and plucked her from time, bringing her to me. “We’re going on a trip,” I told her. “Make no sound. Watch. Do not act unless I tell you to.” I snapped my fingers, teleporting us into the room where Navarone stood guard over a dead changeling. With time broken, he couldn’t move. I walked over to the corpse and swiped my hand through it, gleaning the information I needed.

My eyes went unfocused as I looked through walls over miles to find the target I sought. I snaked an arm to Trixie, who was glaring at my puppet. I dragged her to another target elsewhere in the palace, a new guard who was fired with the fervor of an old cult I created, not expecting it to ever cause me problems. This guard happened to be watching the courtyard, allowing two assassins to sneak in.

“Watch, Trixie,” I whispered as I casually poked the earth pony on the nose. The color slowly left his eyes as I absorbed the information he knew. “Tell me what I did to him,” I murmured, backing toward her.

She looked him over, parts of her horn glowing in its placement field. “Changed his brain. You took out his standard inhibitors. He’ll experience everything, have no ability to shut any fear or excitement out.”

“Such is the price for helping to ruin my plans. Come, we have a mastermind to find.” I put Trixie over one of my shoulders as I followed a trail of crumbs from the one guard in Canterlot to a donkey in Manehatten to an old sheep in Trottingham to a young unicorn in Ponyville to Manehatten to Maris to Warsow and finally to an extremely old monastery tucked away in southern China, one of two places in the world that had any special significance to me at all.

I want to say it hurt for me to see it defiled so, but I think I gave up the feeling of pain shortly before I memorialized the original Navarone.

Trixie and I brushed past the guards of the monastery, pony warrior monks who trained for a fight they would now never see. We walked straight to the center of the building, Trixie taking time to admire architecture originally made by humans in a time before ponies knew anything even existed.

I stopped in front of the grandmaster of the cult and snapped my fingers, turning time back on. The old pony looked at me, no surprise in his eyes. “So,” he hoarsely whispered, voice weak from disuse. “It will end as it was written.”

“As it was written…” I whispered, thinking. I don’t remember telling this cult their future. “Well, it doesn’t matter to me how it ends or not. I created this cult four thousand years ago through whispers in the wind, and I’ll destroy you just as easily. You’ve served your purpose and now you’re attempting to ruin my plans.”

“Like it or not, monster, there is but one true goddess. We will kill all the other false goddesses or die trying.”

I grinned. “Oh, who said anything about dying? I think it’s about time I started leaving more noticeable clues. I gave Luna enough paranoia that she should be here within two months. Some of you might still be alive by then. Trixie, go toy with the others. The feud I have with the grandmaster is… personal.”

She grinned and walked back, pieces of her horn lighting up as she thought up plans.

The old man glared at me defiantly. “You may do as you like to me, but the true path will never die! The Sun will rule and she will rule alone!”

I held up my talons. “Tell me old man, you who sits in silence and contemplates the mortal you call a goddess… Do you ever wonder what time looks like? What eons feel like? What it is truly like to be a god?” I set a single talon on his forehead. “Let me show you eternity.”

His screams were like music to me.

No one attempts to ruin my plans. Never again.

I was about to put all of my armor back on for another training bout with the naga when my door opened and in walked cat butt.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you back here so soon,” I told Gilda, turning to face her. I only had my greaves on, so far, so it’s not like I wasn’t decent.

“Yeah, me either. I wasn’t expecting to be back so soon. I was planning on selling my old man’s estate and living free off the gold forever, but my mom and one of my new employees convinced me to keep it instead. But I don’t know the first thing about managing an estate, so I got someone hired to do it for me. He gets ten, my mom gets ten, the employees get twenty, and I get the rest. Seems like a fair deal to me for doing nothing.”

“Damn right. Still, with the kinda dosh you’re raking in, I’m surprised to find you here of all places.”

She shrugged. “I figured I could pay my respects to the guy who made it possible. And since I remembered you saying something about making peace with the bug you got here, I found a way to do both at once.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Threesome?” I asked, a smile forming.

She answered my smile with a darker one. “Not quite.” With that, she pounced on me. While I could potentially overpower a griffin and do a ton of damage to one if I could get my hands on them, she knew my capabilities well and stopped me from doing that. “Now, you just sit tight and relax. Doppel said you’re into stuff like this, so chill out!”

I quickly found that she was dragging me to the bed. The ‘chill out’ was in response to me struggling. “She was wrong!” I yelled out as I felt one of my arms clanged against my overly large bed. Gilda pulled out a set of handcuffs from God knows where and that was that for my left arm. She caught my right arm and pulled it over to the other bedpost.

“Well, either way, you told me to make peace with her. She asked me to do this for her and here I am.” When my right arm was secure, she patted me on the cheek. “But honestly, I don’t think you’ll much mind.” She hopped off my body and grabbed some rope from the same places she got the handcuffs and began trying to grab my kicking feet. “This would be a lot easier if you would stop fighting.”

“I would stop fighting if you would stop trying to tie me down!”

Surprisingly enough, she stopped. “Alright, fine. She asked me to make sure you didn’t go anywhere, and you aren’t going anywhere, not unless that bed goes with you.” She let the rope go and slid off the bed. “Maybe if you’re still… ‘up’ for it, I’ll come in for seconds!”

[Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip]

As I’m sure you can imagine, I was not in the best of moods right then. I think the term for the state I was in when Doppel walked in was ‘pissed as almighty hell.’

So I’m sure you can imagine why she was confused. When she walked in and saw me glaring a hole through her, she sniffed at the air, let her tongue drip from her mouth for a second, and said, “You aren’t turned on by this at all.”

“You think?” That was not my nice voice.

“I could have sworn… What was that taste in the baker’s room?”

“That baker was in heat. And so was one of her friends.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oooooh! Yeah, that makes sense.” She looked down at the keys she was holding to the cuffs. “Well, I wasn’t expecting to use these so soon.” Her wings fluttered out and she flew over to my bed. She undid the cuffs on my arms and I sat up, rubbing at them.

Then I grabbed her by the throat and rolled over on top of her. “You want to know my fetish?” I whispered, pinning down her front hooves. “Turning the tables.” I grabbed one of the handcuffs and fit it through one of the holes in her hooves. Since I knew her hoof span wouldn’t be enough to handcuff both hooves to the front of the bed, I just cuffed her front hooves together.

“You know, this is really unnecessary!”

“Yeah, it is.” I tucked her under an arm and strung the same rope between her back hooves before looping them around the bedposts close to the headboard. “But you were going to rape me, so I figure it’s only fair I toy with you.” I let her go and she flopped down to the bed, belly first, head facing the door. “One more touch…” I walked around and grabbed her hoofcuffed legs and stretched them out before running the rope between the cuffs and tying one end to each bedpost, leaving her very immobile. “I’m no boy scout, but it gets the job done. Now I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re belly down.”

“Meh. I’m just waiting for the fucking, now.”

“Excellent question! As I’m sure you’re probably not aware, I’ve been raped a lot. Oddly enough, that’s given me a penchant for being on the bottom.” I walked over and lifted her up before sliding myself under her, her mouth to my crotch and her bughood to my face. “Now if you give me some good attention—and watch the fucking teeth—I’ll give you a good time.”

“Of course, master.” The sultry tone she said that in put me at half-mast. Feeling her creepily long changeling tongue guide me into her mouth did the rest of the way. Doppel was by no means as good as Chrysalis, but I was still reeling from Celestia’s abuse of me the day before and was just looking for a chance to get relief. As my little changeling maid plied her tongue to my favorite head, I knew I found my relief.

“Ooh, that’s a good girl. Whatever they taught you in maid school was well worth it.” Remembering my end of the deal, I grabbed her legs and pulled her in close enough to get a whiff of her sex. From the wetness, I could tell she was very into it. I took a long lick down the center of her trench and felt her shudder, changing the way her tongue writhed across my manhood. I pushed my tongue inside and tasted a musk that was missing in Chrysalis.

Eat love, you taste sweet. Eat lust, you taste musky. Makes sense. The taste seemed to facilitate and create more lust, because I couldn’t get enough of it, and felt myself slowly start humping into her mouth as I ate her out. I felt myself hitting the back of her throat and her taking me in with no problems, her tongue massaging me the entire way.

I pulled a hand in to rub the inside of her folds as I lapped at her clit before taking it between my lips and pretending it was a little boy and I was Michael Jackson. She began to grind into my fingers and face, leaking light green fluid onto me. I lapped up what I could eagerly, happy to get all the lust I could. I could tell we were driving each other near to the limit.

Oddly enough, I peaked first, giving her a taste of my human seed that she eagerly lapped down, sucking on my slowly shrinking member to make sure she got every last drop. She didn’t last much longer than I did, though, and soon enough I was lapping at her slit, trying to get as much of the musky-tasting liquid from her as I could before I actually had to find out what it was like to change my own sheets for once.

I pulled myself out of her mouth with a little pop and she sighed. “Tasty,” she whispered. “Can I make a request, master?”

“You may,” I answered, slipping out from under her.

“Can I look you in the eye during?”

Well, that would be a new one. I looked her over, trying to determine how I could do it while leaving her tied up. I quickly got an interesting idea. “Yes.” I walked over and untied her front legs, letting her lean up. I pulled the rope out and picked her up, sitting under her. I pushed her back until she was against the head board, scooting forward all the way. Soon, her legs were completely spread and her back was against the wall. I sat in front of her, grabbed her front hooves, and pushed them over my head, leaving them against my back. I pulled her smooth body against mine, leaving us pretty close to eye to eye.

“Another request that we would both like?” she asked. “Let me eat your emotions as you have them.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Do you think I’m stupid? That’s how you guys got Shiny. I see that horn glowing during this, I’m cutting it off.”

She looked insulted. “Master, I would never hurt you.”

“Yeah. And the best way to ensure that is to never give you the chance. Now, shall we?” In the time it took me to get back into position, I got ready to go again. She was in the perfect position as she was, though it probably couldn’t be that comfortable. I didn’t wait for an answer because I didn’t want to hear one, just gently easing in.

She caught her breath as she molded her body to me, giving a nice, tight fit. “Oooh, that’s the stuff,” she whispered, licking her lips. She gave me an Eskimo kiss as I set a nice, slow pace, pushing in and out of her depths with ease. I decided to forego the nose stuff and locked lips with her, teasing my tongue around her fangs.

I was reminded again that Doppel does not care for teasing. Her long tongue slid over mine and down my throat as she pulled me in with the hooves wrapped around my neck. I couldn’t pull back and she didn’t look like she was wanting to budge. So I put my hands on her flanks, lifted her up, and brutally hilted her. She moaned into my mouth, but kept her tongue in place. Hell, she started to gyrate it, just to piss me off. Since she was so light, I was able to keep lifting her up and impaling her, so that’s just what I did.

Her tongue slithered out of my mouth and I slowed the pace down, pushing into her soft insides at an agonizingly wonderful pace. “Ooh, master…” she whispered, biting her lip and closing her eyes. She had a blush visible outside of her carapace, which was just adorable.

I grinned at the slow deterioration of sanity on her face as I tenderized her. Eventually her eyes slammed open and locked with mine and I felt her lady parts undulating. She brought her muzzle in and kissed me again, filling my mouth with her tongue but thankfully not going down my throat. Her tongue wrapped around mine as I slowly picked up the pace of my thrusts, planning to fill my little maid with all the lust she needed.

She appreciated my attempts and started trying to buck in time with my thrusts, though there wasn’t much she could do since I was holding her up.

I heard the door click open behind me and figured it was Gilda, here to watch or take part. I kept going on Doppel to give her a show and Doppel pulled away from the kiss, putting her head over my shoulder.

“Keep going, master,” she whispered before moaning and nibbling at my ear with her little fangs. I took that as indication enough and continued picking up the pace before I had her bouncing like a dryer on high. Unfortunately, this meant I built my pleasure way too quickly. I didn’t really care that much since she came at least twice already and I had Gilda behind me waiting for more. Doppel noticed that I was slowing down and figured I was close. “Fill me up, master,” she said, her head next to my ear and her mouth dripping with lust.

With a few more thrusts, I let myself erupt and paint her pink insides with a new coat of white. She moaned and pulled me tight against her before biting into my shoulder with her fangs. Normally that would piss me off, but the mix of pain and pleasure made me thrust one last time, setting her off again and making her drench me with more fluids.

Then I heard a throat clear behind me.

(Sex is over)

When I heard that throat clear behind me, I realized immediately that it was not Gilda. I closed my eyes wearily and sighed, still holding Doppel up. “Who is that?” I quietly asked her.

“Enjoy the show, Princess Cadance?” Doppel breathily asked, holding me tight.

“Nav, whenever you finish up here, my husband and I are waiting downstairs to talk to you.” With that, Cadance left, closing the door behind her.

I sighed and pulled myself away from Doppel, letting her flop to the bed. “I’m tempted to let you stew in our juices, but you would probably enjoy that,” I told her, reaching over to where I tied her back legs to the bedpost. I untied her and pulled her up before grabbing the handcuff keys and undoing her front legs. “Clean up. I would help, but apparently I have guests.” With her free, I walked to the bathroom that was connected to my room and washed my lower body off.

When I came back in, Doppel was gone and with her went my bed sheets. At least she can do something right. I threw on a pair of pants and went downstairs, not bothering to try to look formal.

I regretted my decision when a royal guard stopped me in my hallway. “Sorry sir, I can’t let you pass.”

I looked down on him. “Get the fuck out of my way before I move you.”

“That’s him!” Shiny called from my living room. The guard stepped aside, glaring at me as I walked past. He could glare all he liked. You don’t come into my house and tell me where I can and can’t go.

When I got to the living room, I found Shiny holding a happy looking Skyla, another guard, Cadance, and Gilda. I gave Gilda a mean look. “Don’t tell people I’m in my room and they don’t need to knock when you know I’m fucking the maid.” Shiny and Gilda both burst out laughing. Cadance smiled, but didn’t comment. The guard joined the others in sniggering. “Yeah, laugh it up, Shiny. Just remember to keep laughing the next time your wife walks in while I’m balls deep in a changeling and she has your body.” Gilda was really laughing now, but Shiny was down to blushing. The guard was choking back laughter, wanting to but not wanting to risk his commander’s anger. I snagged my armchair and leaned back in it, putting my hands behind my head. “Now what do you need?”

“We were talking to Princess Celestia—” Cadance started before Shiny interrupted.

“Can Cadance live here until the assassins are all caught?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Sure. No guards, though. Tell no one she’s here, don’t let anyone see you leaving or coming, keep the baby quiet at night, and help around the house when you can.” The first two were directed at Shiny, the second two at Cadance.

“Nav, she needs to be protected! I have to leave her some guards.”

I looked over to my occasional bed warmer. “Gilda, how long are you going to be here?”

She shrugged. “As long as I feel welcome, I guess.”

I looked back to Shiny. “I have a griffin, a naga, me, Taya, a changeling, and Cadance herself to protect her. If we need anything more than that, one or two guards aren’t going to make a difference. Those are my conditions, take them or leave.” I didn’t feel like mentioning the fact that I probably wouldn’t be around the house that much.

Shiny looked to his wife. “It’s up to you, honey.”

She nodded. “I trust Nav. If anypony knows how to keep me safe, it’s him.” Well, isn’t that more pressure than I wanted?

He sighed and nodded. “Fine. No royal guards. Though I have to ask… Why not, Nav?”

I shrugged. “I don’t trust anyone in my house that doesn’t have a reason to be loyal to me, especially if they have a reason to be more loyal to Celestia or Luna.” I didn’t want the plans for the generator to get to them, after all.

He jerked back. “Are you plotting treason?”

“Yes, I definitely am. And the first person I’m going to tell is the captain of the guard who is definitely loyal to the princesses and would never be swayed against them.” I let it sink in for a moment how retarded of a question it was he asked before continuing, “No, I just don’t want anyone here that has no obligation to do as I ask or command. If they were night guards, we’d talk. But I have no authority or rank with day guards.”

“Actually, about that…” Shiny started, rubbing the back of his neck. “The other captains and ranking guards were quite impressed with the tale of what you did. There was talk of giving you an honorary rank in the guard.”

I shook my head. “Not interested. I told you this a while ago, but you were drunk at the time so you probably don’t remember. I kill people, not arrest them.”

“Honorary rank isn’t the same thing as actual rank. You will be given the respect of an officer of the same rank, but you will not be given orders and lower ranking guards will be under no obligation to follow the orders you give.”

“Then it’s worthless. Again, I’ll pass. I already have enough meaningless honorifics.” And the fewer ties I have to the royal sisters the better.

“Well, I can’t force you to take it. I can, however, force you to take the Royal Savior star.”

I face palmed. “And what,” I groaned through my hand, “is that?”

I didn’t need to see his face; I could just feel the shit-eating grin. “When somepony goes above and beyond to help protect or save the life of a member of the royal family, they are awarded the title of Royal Savior and given a Royal Savior star as a trophy. They also get a sizable monetary reward.” He paused for a moment and I assumed he was either shrugging or patting Skyla’s head. “Normally the trophy is given by the family member that was saved as thanks, but I think Skyla would be hard pressed to pass you any kind of reward. Cadance will take her place, since Skyla is our life.” That’s just cheesy as fuck.

I looked back up. “When’s the ceremony?”

Cadance answered, “In two days.” Her habitual grin grew wicked. “Time enough to make sure every news agency hears of it.”

I sighed, ruffling my feathers. “You are the worst people…” I needed an excuse to go to Canterlot anyway, though. I needed to drop those bits off with the unicorns and I didn’t want anyone to know I went to Canterlot for just that reason. “My turn for a question, then. Why here, with me? I’m sure you can fortify the palace much better than you could this place.”

Shiny grimaced. “Luna found one of the conspirators very quickly. He was an imbalanced fool that should never have been allowed entry into the palace, let alone the guard. But if he was allowed entrance, it made all of us think. If there was one infiltrator, what if there were more? The guards I would have given you were tested and found to be absolutely loyal to the princesses.”

“Okay, so she couldn’t be in the palace. Sure, I guess. But I mean, why here? Surely there are other castles you have that are more fortified than this place.”

He shook his head. “Castles and fortresses have fallen out of style in most of Equestria these days. There are still a few old ones dotted around, but most are crumbling ruins. The few that still house ponies are turned into little more than manors and tourist spots and are so modified that they have no military or defensive value. This is quite possibly one of the most fortified homes in mainland Equestria right now.”

Before I could reply, my little pet came trotting into the room, a dead mouse held happily in his jaws. The guard scrambled up and jumped in front of Cadance before he realized the wolf was walking to me. He dropped the rat and wagged his wooden tail happily.

“That’s… disgusting,” Cadance said.

“Yeah, it is,” I replied, patting the wolf on the head. “I don’t know how the hell he got inside, because I know there are no rats in the house.”

The naga followed the wolf in. “There are a few ponies in terrible armor outside, Navarone. They attempted to obstruct my entrance.” He grinned, showing off his teeth. “I think they will not question a naga again. Are you ready to train?”

Well, that explains how the wolf got in. “Kinda in the middle of something, mate.” I looked back down at the wolf. “I don’t eat rats.” I pointed at the rat then at the wolf. “You eat it,” I told him. He blinked a few times, clearly confused, before gobbling the thing up. Cadance pressed her hoof to her temple, probably regretting her decision. I looked over to her. “He’s a good dog, just untrained. He won’t hurt Skyla.” I looked down at him. “Don’t hurt the small pink one.” I swear I heard a sigh from him, but I wasn’t going to comment. I looked back up to Cadance. “So when are you moving in?”

“As soon as possible,” she answered. I felt wood scraping against my feet and looked down to see he curled up on my feet. “I didn’t bring much for Skyla in case you said no, but I can get most of the rest when we go back to Canterlot.”

“Awesome.” I leaned back, scratching at the stubble on my face. “So… do you know how to cook?”

“Of course. Why?”

“Because Doppel can’t cook for shit and I forgot most of what I knew. I was planning on bringing Pinkie by one day soon, but I don’t want her anywhere near my kitchen if I can help it.” She’s a good cook, but messy. “If you teach me to cook pony food and Gilda can teach me how to cook meat, I’ll be in a good place.”

Her ears drooped. “I… I can do that. As long as it isn’t at the same time.”

“Cool. Bedrooms are on the middle floor. Take any one you want that isn’t occupied, preferably one away from anyone else in case the baby cries at night. You know where the kitchen is. I’m sure you can explore to find anything else.”

She nodded and walked over to Shiny. I heard them whispering before Cadance kissed him and gently grabbed the baby. Cadance walked over to where the staircase was, presumably finding a room to take. Shiny grabbed the guard and pulled him close, whispering something to him. The guard nodded and walked out the front door.

Then Shiny looked over to me. “Nav, you know how important they are to me. And I know this doesn’t need to be said, but… Please be careful.”

“Hey, you uphold your end and I’ll uphold mine. You don’t draw any attention here and I’ll keep her safe. You start drawing attention here and we might start having problems. That’s another reason I don’t want royal guards. Long story short, though: Don’t worry about it, man. I got this.”

He nodded. “We both trust you. I’ll come and visit as often as I can until we get this mess sorted out.”

“Of course. But if you come and visit too many times, I’ll be forced to start the rumor that we’re gay lovers and you’re cheating on Cadance with me. I don’t want any assassins to get the wrong message.”

He grinned. “I understand.” He stood up. “Be at the royal palace in two days by noon. Bring your armor and make sure it’s well cleaned. And you should also have your axe.”

“Sure, sure. I’m not retarded, Shiny.”

“Just making sure. I’ll see you in two days, then.” With that, he walked out.

“So,” the naga rumbled, “we’re getting a new houseguest? And she is a pink pony princess?”

I sighed and answered, “Yep.”

“I do not envy you, Navarone. Now come, let’s practice.”

Gilda finally spoke up. “Nav getting whooped across the yard by a naga? This I gotta see.”

Sadly, her assumption was proven correct.

The first problem showed up that evening. “What do you mean you don’t all eat together?” Cadance asked in shocked disbelief.

I crossed my arms. “The naga only eats meat. Gilda eats whatever the fuck she wants, whenever she wants. Doppel eats raw emotion. I occasionally eat meat and then whatever else and sometimes I mix it up. Taya is the only one here that sticks to a vegetarian diet. Well, not the only one anymore, with you and your kid. Taya doesn’t like the smell of cooking meat so I don’t fix anything if Gilda or the naga bother using the kitchen.” Usually they just cut up and cook whatever they find out in the woods where they find it, though they both tend to use my freezer to wrap up leftovers. “Whenever I do bother to make stuff, so far it’s just been me and Taya.” Of course, I hadn’t exactly been there that often to cook, given that the past few weeks had been so hectic.

Cadance gave me a rather disapproving look, though it might have been mixed with pitying. “My family almost always ate together. That’s what normal, loving families do, Nav.”

“Taya is the only family I have. Back when I had a real family…” I thought back to that short period of time I could remember when my parents were still married before shaking my head. “We ate together when there were visitors or we were with extended family, just to put on a show. Even before they got divorced, it usually ended up as every man for himself, make what you can when you wanted it.” I couldn’t tell if that was a look of shock or disgust on her face. Before she could say something I didn’t want to hear, I said, “Make something if you want. Taya and I can eat with you, if whatever you make is edible. I won’t ask the others to join us.”

I patted her on the head and walked out before she could reply.

The second problem showed up that night. “Why is Taya still awake?” Cadance asked, walking in on her proofreading something for me while I wrote.

I shrugged. “Because she’s not tired. Duh.”

“Nav, fillies should be in bed by eight!”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Taya, do you want to go to bed?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“If you want to go to bed, I won’t blame you. You can do this later or I can get someone else to do it.”

“I just got to the part where Mat orders his men to kill the running woman. I want to see what happens.”

“WHAT?!” Cadance yelled, using magic to rip the page away from Taya. “Fillies shouldn’t be reading stuff like this!”

Taya and I both scoffed. “What,” I said, “you expect her to read that shit you guys call books? There’s a reason I’m writing books from my world, Cadance.”

“Pony books are so dull,” Taya said. “The ones Daddy writes are much better!”

“But… violence! Fillies shouldn’t be reading things like that! This is probably why you attacked that griffin!”

We both shrugged. “He was attacking daddy, so he had to be stopped,” Taya answered.

And I said, “These things happen. Chillax, Cadance. Hell, shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“I’m not going anywhere until Taya goes to bed.”

I rolled my eyes. “Taya, when you finish that section, go to bed.”

“But—” I flicked my eyes over to Cadance for a second before looking back to her. She sighed. “Fine.”

“Aren’t you going to read her a bedtime story?” Cadance asked.

“Taya, do you want a bedtime story?”

She gave me a flat stare. “I’m not a child, daddy.”

“There you go, Cadance. She doesn’t want one.”

Now it was Cadance’s turn to give me that flat stare of ‘what are you even thinking?’ “She did not say that, Nav. She said that she wasn’t a child, not that she didn’t want a story.”

I looked back to Taya, but before I could ask, she said, “No.”

I looked back over to Cadance, who rolled her eyes. “I’m still not going anywhere until she goes to bed.” She sat down right in my doorway, staring at us.

Two minutes later, Taya hopped off my bed and walked up to her, staring.

“If you want to get past somepony,” Cadance said, “what do you say?”

Taya teleported past Cadance and walked on to brush her teeth.

Cadance blinked rapidly a few times. “Teleportation? Already?” She shook her head. “Nav, you need to teach her manners.”

“She doesn’t like you, Cadance. You came here and started trying to change things. That earns you no favors from anyone, including me. I’ll admit that in this case you are correct, but that doesn’t change the fact that you did it in the most overt way possible.”

“Nav, if you’re not doing something that’s good for Taya and the rest of your… family, I guess, of course I’m going to point it out. She needs a mother figure, too, but I understand your luck with that and won’t push it.”

I grinned. “A mother figure would be hard-pressed to find acceptance with Taya. When I told her about the engagement with Gilda, she was… less than impressed. Now, you need to go to bed. I’ll probably go work on that trebuchet some more.”

“You aren’t going to read her a story?”

“She said she didn’t want one. I respect her wishes.”

She sighed, shaking her head before standing up. “Fine. But before you leave, can you show me how to open my window, just in case? I won’t do it unless I need to sneak out, after what happened.”

I waved her over as I walked to my window and demonstrated how to open it. She thanked me and walked out. The wolf followed me around my room as I grabbed some of the things I’d need and he followed me outside as I went to build.

And the morning just brought more problems. “Nav, are you just going to leave all these nails lying around?” Cadance asked disapprovingly.

“All of the nails are lying within an acceptable distance of the project, meaning that anyone that steps on one deserves the pain they’ll get because they’re too close to an unfinished project.” I was having more trouble with it than I thought.

“That doesn’t excuse you of not being safe! What if Taya steps on one?”

“Then she’ll pull it out of her hoof and keep going because you guys don’t really feel pain in your hooves?” Now, some of you are probably wondering why the jacks hurt the assassin’s hoof. The answer to that is that it didn’t actually hurt, it’s just really uncomfortable and it makes walking very awkward. Or at least, that’s how it was explained to me.

She lifted a hoof and opened her mouth to respond, but her mouth clicked shut after a moment of silence.

I smirked. “You were saying?”

“Fine! What about your weapons and tools? What if Skyla hurts herself on one of the weapons you leave just lying around?”

Now that was a fair point. “Maybe you shouldn’t leave her around where weapons are left?”

“Navarone, I don’t know if you’ve ever dealt with baby unicorns or baby pegasi. Alicorns are worse. Their magic can go out of control and they can fly. Unless things are hidden, they can find them just about anywhere in the house while they’re awake.”

“Well, that changes things. I have a valid reason for leaving weapons around, but I’ll make an effort to hide them where I left them. Just don’t move any without telling me where you put them. I live next to the forest and evil things occasionally wander out of it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

And at lunch... “Nav, where’s Taya?” Cadance asked.

I shrugged, letting my sword down from its weary grasp. “Probably with Twilight,” I answered. “Why?”

“You don’t know where she is? Nav, you should know where your filly is at all times!”

I could hear the naga making a sound deep in his chest as I turned to Cadance. “Woman, if you don’t stop nagging me, I will beat you like a fucking redheaded stepchild.” The naga grunted an approval. “I let you stay here, putting me, my tenants, and Taya in danger. The last thing I need is you bothering me about every little thing. The system we’ve had so far is working well for us. If you see something that might need to be changed, fucking tell me. Don’t nag me about it. Give me a clear, logical reasoning behind it, and if I agree, I might change it. But if you keep bothering me about this shit, I’m going to give my pimp hand some exercise.”

There was a long moment of silence before, “Nav, what’s a pimp hand?” she asked.

I demonstrated for her, backhanding the air.

She was about to reply when the naga spoke up. “Navarone is correct. If you were a female of the clans, you would know very well to keep your mouth shut. You may be a princess, but among the naga, that just means you are first among women and given respect by the men. You would still be silent when not spoken to, however. But we are not in the hold, I suppose. That does not excuse the fact that you bother and bother. I hope I do not hear you cry when you are smacked.”

Cadance was giving him looks of horror and I was very close to the same. Fuck, maybe I should have married a naga after all. Apparently their women are nice and subdued.

Eventually, she looked back to me and said, “There is a reason. If an emergency happens, you need to know how to find her and where she is.”

“Nah, she’s smart enough to stay out of the way of the emergency and get away from the trouble. I had a talk with her about that already. We already have three rendezvous locations planned.”

And now the confused expression was back. “You two actually sat down and had a talk about this?”

I nodded. “Several. She’s more paranoid than I am. I have a small bag of gold buried near a landmark we both know so she can catch a train or hire protection if she ever needs to. Don’t you worry about her. She’s more likely to come out of an emergency alive than I am.”

And another complaint before they went to bed. “Nav, you need to hug your daughter more,” Cadance told me.

I let an awkward silence build for a few moments before kneeling down and hugging Taya.

“You’ll hear no complaints from me on that one,” I said as I stood.

Taya mumbled something that sounded like, “Me neither.”

The next day heralded a covered carriage pulled by six pegasi guards. I really didn’t want to go to Canterlot at all, but I knew I had to. With me went Cadance, Gilda, Skyla, and seven thousand bits that Cadance was very confused about.

“So why exactly are we carrying so much dead weight?” she asked, poking the bag with a hoof.

“None of your business,” I answered. Gilda just grunted, preening her wings.

After a moment, Gilda sighed and shot her wing out to me. “Nav, can you help me out? I ran into a mean one in the woods last night.” I pulled my gauntlets off, closed my eyes, and carefully ran my hand over the wing, feeling for any irregularities. After a few seconds of that, I stopped and slowly pushed her feathers aside, pulling out a twig. I dropped it on the floor and kept feeling around.

“You know,” Cadance commented as I worked, “if you were a pegasus, this would be a lot more intimate.”

“Yeah, but I ain’t no ruttin’ pony,” Gilda snappishly answered. “And I’m not interested in any intimacy.”

“I didn’t mean to imply…” Cadance started before clearing her throat. “I was trying to inform Navarone of pegasi rituals. If one pegasus asks somepony else to preen her wing, it’s meant as a sign of ultimate trust and love. I didn’t know if he knew, is all.”

“I figured,” I answered as I pulled the last little twig off Gilda’s wing. “Almost all pegasi use their wings in their livelihoods and to get to the clouds, so fucking up with them is not an option. It also feels really good.” Gilda passed me her other wing and I got started on that. “Shame that most people without wings know so little about them.”

Cadance nodded, eyeing my hands at work. “Shining Armor doesn’t know much other than that they feel good when rubbed correctly.”

“Teach him how to preen, then,” I said. I furrowed my brow as I felt something squirming around. I pulled out a fucking worm. “Disgusting.” I went to throw it out the window, but Gilda’s beak swooped in and snagged it out of my hand.

Cadance and I both gave her looks of disgust as she swallowed it whole. “What?” she asked. “I’m half-bird, remember? And I’m missing breakfast for this.”

I shrugged and went back to combing her wings. “You’re already plowing him in the ass with a strap-on, there’s no reason not to sit him down and make him learn how to please you as well.”

“She’s WHAT?” Gilda shouted, bursting out laughing.

Cadance groaned, face hoofing. After a moment, she sighed and said, “Shiny and I engage in… alternate forms of sex, yes. But that is the most disgusting… Ugh. Nav, you’re terrible.”

I answered her with a shit-eating grin. “I know. Ain’t I great?”

Cadance and Gilda shared a look and I knew I was about to be teamed up on. To prevent that, I grabbed Cadance’s wing. “I saw those little jealous looks,” I said as I pulled it taut. “Are your wings bothering you?” I asked as I gently stroked her just the right way.

Her ears drooped and she bit her lip to stifle a moan. Gilda grinned and grabbed the other wing, pulling that one tight and readying her talons.

“I-I’m fine, thank you.”

“I don’t know, you seem kinda… jumpy.” As soon as I said that, I poked one of the main nerve clusters on her wing and she flinched. She jerked both of her wings back, but had a hard time forcing them against her body. Her face was a very bright red. “Eh, we probably shouldn’t do anything in front of the kid anyway.” I looked back to Gilda. “You got anything in your plumage, or are you good?”

“I don’t feel anything in there, but check anyway.” She presented her chest to me.

I sighed as I ran one of my hands over it. “This would be so much nicer if you were a human.”

“Why’s that?” Cadance asked, eager to get off the topic of us molesting her.

“This is where humans have their breasts,” I answered with a smarmy grin.

She just shook her head. “You’re incorrigible.”

I giggled, but Gilda didn’t seem amused. “I don’t get it. What does that word mean?” she asked. Some of us are not scholars, I suppose.

“She told me I’m sexy.”

And that got me backwinged by one of Cadance’s wings. “It means he’s terrible,” she explained as I spat out a pink and purple feather. “So why isn’t Taya coming?” she asked me.

“I didn’t tell her I was going. I don’t plan to be here long and as soon as I’m done with the ceremony thing, I need to get into the air. I don’t want her on the streets of Canterlot while I’m way above them.” I looked out the window to the rapidly approaching city. “In fact, we should probably bail out now. No reason to let anyone know that we got here in the same carriage that’s coming from outside of town.”

“That’s… probably a good idea,” Cadance answered, nodding. “Just be at the castle in an hour, Nav.”

“We’ll be there. Gilda, grab the bits.” She wrapped a talon around them while I kicked open the carriage door. I held it as Gilda jumped out. I followed her, both of us shooting ahead of the relatively slow carriage.

I led the way to the massive flying ship and landed on its deck, making a loud thunk as my metal-clad feet touched down. Gilda followed me, making an even louder sound when she dropped the heavy bag of bits.

“See, this is why we started using paper as money,” I said to no one as I walked to the door. I let myself in and walked down to the captain’s cabin, hoping he was in. Gilda waited on the deck, stretching.

I knocked on his door. “WHAT?!” He did not sound pleased.

“I brought the money you need,” I said, crossing my arms and waiting. The door burst open and the captain walked out, glaring. He seemed… off. I narrowed my eyes. “If you’re high, the deal’s off.”

“Withdrawal,” he answered with an annoyed tone. “Where are the bits?”

“In a bag on the deck. That much money is heavy, man.” He brushed past me and started walking down the hall.

“The ship’s going to need more modifications than I thought,” he grumpily said as he walked. “It shouldn’t cost any more, but we’ll be out of commission for at least half a year.” He stopped at the door and looked back to me. “The princess might ask questions, and if she does, I can’t promise to lie for you. I’ll tell her that we’re doing it to go to new places. I’ll try not to mention your name, but if she asks, I will not lie. I owe you, but she’s the princess.” He turned back and muttered, “Don’t know why it matters anyway,” as he pushed the door open and flinched at the sunlight. “Who’re you?” he warily asked, eying Gilda.

I answered, “Friend of mine. She might go with us, might not.”

“Go where?” she asked, sizing the unicorn up.

“We can talk about it later. There’s your money, either way. That takes a big, big chunk out of my reserves, so spend it right and don’t make me spend this much again. I have a lot of money, but I’m not made from it.” Losing that much actually made me wish I had kept the money I gave to Pinkie and Kumani.

He nodded. “Don’t worry about it.” He looked back at me. “So what’re you so dressed up for?”

I grimaced. “A ceremony. You save one princess’s life and suddenly you get all kinds of rewards or something.” I sighed. “Stupid babies…”

“You’re just saving everypony, aren’t you?” the unicorn asked. “Which one was it this time?”

“Cadance’s kid. A little brat, if you ask me.”

“She sure cries a lot,” Gilda added, puffing. “Now, we gonna wait here all day? I wanna find something to eat before the ceremony.”

“Yeah, yeah. Take care of that money, man. I’ll stop by when I can to see how the ship is coming along.”

He nodded. “I will see you when you come by, then.” With that, Gilda and I took off.

If she had her way, we would have gone hunting in a small copse of trees relatively close to the city. However, Cadance told me about a small restaurant that serves meat, so instead we went there. It was alright.

By the time we finished there and had the bill paid, it was about time for the ceremony. We flew over to the castle and that’s when I knew I was in for hell. “Why are there reporters everywhere?” I asked as we circled the castle. They hadn’t noticed us yet, thankfully.

“Save a princess, you get famous,” Gilda answered with a shrug. “I had to deal with a few when the griffins realized I got my dad’s estate.”

“Well fuck. I guess this’ll be interesting.” We flew down there and landed in the courtyard and immediately got swarmed.

I had a mic pushed into my face. “Which princess did you save?” some mare asked.

“Sorry, I don’t speak Equestrian,” I answered.

The look on her face was priceless. Another mic replaced hers. “Why was the princess attacked?”

“Look, I don’t understand what you’re saying!”

I think they were starting to get angry. A third mic was pushed at me. “How did you stop the assassins?”

I looked over at Gilda and said, “Do you have any idea what they’re saying?”

She shrugged and answered with a few Avian clicks. I turned back to the reporter and shook my head.

I wish I had a camera, because I don’t think I could ever get anyone that confused again.

I think the reporters were about to give up when Celestia walked out, flanked by her guards. Most of the reporters decided they would have better luck with her.

Not all of them did, though. A fourth mic was pushed at me. “Sir Navarone, what do you know about the new policies being put into place in Gryphonia?”

“There once was a man from Nantucket with a di—”

“Navarone!” I looked up to see Celestia giving me a disapproving stare that disappeared less than a second after I saw it, replaced by her typical motherly smile. I got the message and stopped talking. She walked over to my side and wrapped a wing around me, leading me away from the reporters. Gilda followed, not wanting to be left alone after she was seen flying in with me. The guards stopped the reporters from following us, thankfully. “Do not leave after you get your star. I have a… surprise… waiting for you.”

“A good surprise?” I cautiously asked. She smiled and I added, “What I would consider a good surprise?”

She giggled. “You’ll see, Nav. Now, you just wait right here until Cadance calls you out.” We were right next to the big ceremony room, with me in a little offset area probably designed for stuff like this. “Do you have any questions before I leave?”

“One, actually. Why am I getting this award for saving Skyla but not for saving Cadance back in Gryphus?”

“Because you were assigned to her as a guard, then. Guards that protect the lives of those they are assigned to protect are doing their duty. Citizens that protect the lives of royalty at risk to themselves go above and beyond what is expected of anypony. Now, I will see you in a few minutes.” She left me and Gilda in that little side room.

“You know,” Gilda said, “that sounded like a crappy way to say ‘no one was paying attention and forgot to give you an award.’”

“Or they just didn’t think about it. I don’t want this shit anyway, so it’s not like it matters. I’ll take the bits, but they can keep the fucking title.” ‘Sir’ was more than enough for me.

I should know better than to jinx myself like that.

When the moment arrived, I heard Cadance’s voice whisper through my skull, calling me to the room. I was tempted to ignore her summons, but I knew it probably wouldn’t end well. I rolled my shoulders and went to the door, saying, “I’ll see you in a few minutes, Gilda. Hopefully we can get home quickly.” Whatever Celestia’s ‘surprise’ is, I hope it doesn’t take too long.

When I walked up to the double doors, a pair of guards pulled them open. I walked in, trying to control the twitching of my wings that showed I didn’t want to be there. There was cheering and smiling and all that as I walked down the red-carpeted center aisle. I couldn’t hide a secret smile on my face for some reason.

Dignitaries of all kinds lined my path, reporters mixed among them. At the end of my path was Cadance. Shiny stood next to her with a smiling Skyla on his back. What did they have to do to make her smile instead of cry? Celestia flanked her other side.

I stopped at an appreciable distance from the royal family, standing at ease. “Navarone,” Cadance said, “I thank you for saving the life of my—” She spared a glance back for Shining Armor. “—Our daughter.” Before she could continue, Skyla made some happy sounding baby noises and she grinned. “Skyla thanks you, too. For your heroism in defending her against the odds from ponies that wanted nothing but to take her life, I award you the title Royal Savior and the star that goes with it.”

Her horn lit up and a very ornate obsidian box flew forward from behind them. It opened right in front of me and I flinched back from the sudden brightness that flooded the entire room. There was a number of oohs and ahs behind me from the actual star that was hovering in the center of the box.

How in the hell? I reached a trembling arm out to take it, somewhat expecting my arm to be wreathed in fire when I touched it. What actually happened was a lot safer but less expected: The white light that was coming from it changed to blue-green and dimmed considerably. I pulled it from the box and as I brought it closer to myself it dimmed more and more until it was just barely putting off light.

“Through darkest night and day most bright,” Cadance was saying aloud, “the star will help you in all you plan to do.” Oh God, she’s rhyming. “Because of the life you have saved, the path you walk will always be paved.” Just what the hell does that mean?

It seemed that her little spiel was finished. She bent low to me, presumably some manner of ritual that I wasn’t informed of. I knelt in front of her.

After a moment, I heard several loud gasps and a coalescing of something in front of me. I jerked my head up to find Luna stepping out of shadows that fought with the light from the star still in my hand. That’s when I knew something bad was about to happen.

She looked over my head to the crowd. “There are many things about Navarone and his career that many ponies do not know. He was accidentally stolen from his world and given every reason to despise every pony there is. Instead, he rose above that and grew to become one of Equestria’s most staunch defenders. Without going into many details, exploits of his include helping stop a dangerous unicorn, saving a mailmare from the monsters of the Everfree, destroying a den of naga and saving a farmer and his family, assisting to broker a peace and trade treaty with the cats while releasing many ponies from slavery and servitude, stopping another den of naga from starting a war in our territory, saving two of the elements of harmony from the dragons during their migration, saving a group of unicorns and a mail ship from a band of pirates, stopping Chrysalis from taking over Equestria and then heavily assisting in the peace efforts with her changelings, saving Cadance’s life from a griffin, saving two foals from the Everfree, capturing the infamous dogfather, shutting down over half of the crime in the region of Germaneigh, saving two fillies and two more of the elements in the Everfree, and most recently saving the life of Princess Skyla.”

Has it really been that much? This has been a busy few years.

Luna was continuing, though. “And all of this was done in very harsh conditions. Not everypony was happy with Navarone and his performances. And not everypony was happy with the fact that he’s so very different, despite the fact that it was his difference that made what he did possible in the first place. It is in recognition of his service to Equestria through the hardships he’s been through that Princess Celestia and I, along with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, bestow unto him the title Defender of Harmony, the highest honor we can give anypony.”

Fucking ponies, man. There were murmurs in the crowd behind me upon hearing the ridiculous title I just got. That puts me up to, like, three. Sir, Royal Savior, and Defender of Harmony.

Luna’s horn lit up and my body jerked upright, her magic controlling my form. I’m not okay with this! With a flick of her horn, my armor was replaced with some of the gayest shit I have ever fucking seen. Purple helmet, yellow greaves, white gauntlets, pink shield, orange breastplate, and blue boots. What. The. Fuck.

Luna answered my silent question. “May the boots of loyalty never turn you away from a friend in need. May the gauntlets of generosity always give freely to all in need. May the shield of laughter protect you from wounds both physical and emotional. May the breastplate of honesty guard you from lies and deceit. May the greaves of kindness stay you from sitting on the backs of those that helped you arrive where you are.” Now that one just sounds forced. “And may the helmet of magic bring all the elements together within your body and soul and keep you on the path of harmony.”

Really? I mean, really? Come on, guys. I later realized that the cutie marks of six certain mares in Ponyville were embedded into the ugly armor I was forced to wear. Celestia did mention that they were the elements of harmony, and if I was now the defender of harmony or something, I guess it makes sense that I wear their marks. Still, it sucks.

The rest of the ceremony was… ugh. Thankfully, I didn’t have to swear any more oaths or anything like that. Also thankfully, almost none of my friends were there to see me suffer. Gilda was in the back row, though, cracking up at the horrible color scheme on my armor.

When I was finally allowed to leave, Celestia cornered me in a small room of indeterminate purpose. “What the fuck was the point of that?” I wearily asked, trying to get out of the shitty armor.

“That was for helping the griffins. I can’t punish you the traditional way, so I had to get creative. Luna and Cadance were very cooperative, though neither of them knew the real reason behind what we did.”

“Celestia, you are a terrible person.” She grinned. “Now what’s the point of this stupid star?”

She shrugged. “It’s a flashlight. A very fancy, magical flashlight. It glows different colors for different ponies. It’s supposed to be controllable, though I can’t explain how.”

“So basically it’s useless for me.”

“It’ll make a good mantelpiece.”

“Have I ever told you how much I hate you?”

“It’s been a while. But you know you love me.” She shot her wings out, enveloping me in an unwanted hug.

“I really don’t,” I answered, not participating in the hug. “I very much meant what I said when we started this sex thing.”

She nibbled on one of my wings. “Would it really be so bad?” she eventually asked. “Sure, Luna would be upset, but she’d get over it.”

I pulled away from her. “How about this: If I come back and if I’m not in a relationship when I do, we’ll talk. But first, I need a fucking break from this place.”

I really didn’t want a relationship with Celestia after what she had put me through, but I figured those conditions were somewhat unlikely. And I didn’t want her hounding me, either.

“That is… acceptable, I suppose. I’ve waited this long for somepony. What’s a little while longer?” If she had paid much attention to my journals, she would have recognized that it was the same line I used on Fluttershy and Kumani.

“That’s the spirit. Now what’s up with this gay fucking armor? I don’t actually have to wear this, do I?”

“Your other set should be at your home. You are supposed to wear this for public functions since the Defender is a higher rank than a knight, but I don’t suppose you have to. You know… if you keep this up, I’m eventually going to have to make you a lord. I suggest you start behaving, Nav.”

“Bah. You wouldn’t dare. Besides, you have no proof it was me that did anything with the griffins.”

She nodded. “Correct, I don’t. However, I’m also not a fool. You ruined a number of very old plans, some of which were set in place before Luna was banished. I couldn’t just let you get away with it, which is why you’re now a Defender of Harmony.” She grinned. “Have fun with that.”

“I won’t, trust me. I’m tired of these shitty titles. At least I’ve come up with a good way to pay you back, or at least get rid of some of what you owe me.”

“Oh dear… Do I need to be worried?”

“Yes. But we can talk about that more later. Now I just want to get home and take this damn armor off.”

“I could help with that, you know…”

“As enjoyable as that would be, Gilda is waiting for me somewhere.”

She smirked at that. “For as eager as you were to get out of that engagement, she seems to be around you a lot.”

“Yep. Anyway, I’ll see you later, Celestia.” I didn’t feel like getting into that conversation with her. It just didn’t seem worth it.

“Of course… Sir Navarone, Royal Savior and Defender of Harmony.”

I rolled my eyes and left the room, leaving her to wallow in her typical loneliness. It didn’t take me long to find Gilda, who was being surrounded by reporters in the courtyard. It looked like the only thing stopping her from going violent were the guards that were eyeing her with looks of ‘do it, faggot.’

“Gilda, what are you doing out here?” I asked, walking up.

The paparazzi ocean around her folded to include me as well, and we were soon the only island in a sea of ponies.

“Getting questioned,” she answered, smacking away a microphone. “Can we go or what?”

“One moment.” I looked around the group of annoying reporters. “The first one of you pegasi that tries to follow me will be beaten up in the air and then arrested for harassment.” I don’t think I actually had the authority to do that, but I was hoping they didn’t realize that. “Gilda, shall we?”

She wasted no time jumping in the air. I joined her before the group closed in and cut off my ability to use my wings without smacking someone in the face.

Some of the pegasi in the group stretched their wings, but after taking a quick look at the guards around the courtyard, decided against following us.

We made good time back to my happy little home. Taya wasn’t back yet and didn’t even know I had left, hopefully. There were no visitors and the naga was doing whatever he does when he doesn’t train with me. Cadance wasn’t back yet.

All of that meant no one but Doppel saw the hideous armor I was wearing when we walked in. She joined Gilda in mocking it as I put the star on the mantel.

“The ponies have such terrible color sense,” Doppel said.

“I don’t know about that,” Gilda shot back, “but that armor is just made of gay! Nav, if I hadn’t turned over a new leaf, I’d call you a dweeb and punch you for daring to wear that.”

“And I wouldn’t blame you,” I sighed, going upstairs to change.

By the time I came back down, Cadance was back. “Well, Nav?” she merrily asked with that evil little smile on her face.

“You’re a terrible person,” I answered. “And that armor looks gayer than you do. Trust me, that’s saying something.”

“I’m glad you think I look so happy! And it’s good you think your armor does, too.”

“…You know that wasn’t a compliment, right?”

Her smile deepened as her horn lit up. “Watch Skyla for a minute, please. I need to go do something.” Her spawn levitated toward me.

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” I very reluctantly grabbed the smiling foal.

Her smile disappeared as soon as I touched her. She watched my face with soulless eyes as her mother happily trotted away from my living room.

“I’m onto you, demon spawn,” I whispered, staring at her. Her eyes narrowed as I walked her to the center of the room and set her down on the rug. I left her there and walked to my armchair, keeping my eyes on her. Eventually, I leaned back, took out a knife, and began cleaning my fingernails while still watching her.

She looked at the knife and smiled an evil, devious smile. Her horn lit up and I felt a tug on the knife. I jerked it away from her magic and put it away before pulling out my ring and slipping it on.

Her horn stopped glowing when she realized I was immune. That just got her to unfurl her tiny little wings. I jumped up and grabbed her before she could get two feet in the air.

I took my ring off and slipped it around her horn before she could do a thing, then set her back down on the floor.

I saw a look of concentration on her face and assumed she tried to do magic. Nothing happened. She looked disappointed, but then tried flapping her wings. Nothing happened.

She gave me a look of such pure hatred that I couldn’t help but laugh.

When a baby finds itself helpless and can’t do anything else to torment their captors, they have one primal response. She burst into tears, screaming and crying and all that horrible stuff.

I knew exactly what would happen if Cadance walked in with me laughing and her daughter on the floor crying. I sighed and picked her up, putting her in my lap and trying to calm her down.

Thankfully, Cadance didn’t waste much time coming back in. “What did you do?” she yelled over the crying.

“Nothing! She’s just the spawn of Satan!” I, of course, removed my ring as soon as I heard Cadance entering.

“I don’t know who Satan is, but I know neither of us are that!” She floated the crying baby over to herself, quickly calming her down. “Nav, you really aren’t that good with foals, are you?”

“I am not. I’m telling you, though, your child is evil. When she gets a cutie mark, it’s going to be three sixes.”

“That’s a silly cutie mark. I’m sure it’ll be something fun, like a flower! Or maybe something more loving, like another heart.”

“…Right. Just keep her away from me. She doesn’t like me and I don’t care enough to get her to.”

“Come on, Nav! That’s no way to talk about something you aren’t good at! You’ll never get better with foals until you try.”

“But why would I ever need to get good with them? Not like I’m ever planning on having kids.”

She grinned at that. “Every stallion always says that. Then you meet somepony special and you change your mind. I think it’s better to be safe than sorry, don’t you?”

“Sure. But not with your spawn. I want as little to do with her as possible.”

“So stubborn… Fine. I’ll figure something out, then.”

I had a bad feeling in my gut.

Chapter Seventy—War Games

Chapter Seventy—War Games

A week after I got my ridiculous awards and hid the armor so well no one would ever find it, I had a working crossbow thing for the naga.

“So how does this work?” he asked, hefting the large hunk of wood.

“Well, my first pitfall in making it was the almost immediate realization that you don’t have a foot and thus can’t reload it the normal way. After that, I had to figure out how to make it gear operated. That took me a lot longer than I was anticipating. Long story short, turn the thing that looks like it’s supposed to be turned.”

He put a hand on the wheel and turned it back toward him, making the string move accordingly. He continued twisting it until the string locked in place. “And now?” he asked.

I grabbed a very long bolt from the quiver I made for him. “Lock this in place. Odd colored feather goes down.” He did so. “Now, there’s no safety built into this, so don’t touch the trigger until you’re ready to fire. I did put sights on it, but they’re going to be very different for you than they were for me. Aim it like I do with mine and shoot the target.”

He pointed it downrange, aiming more or less at the target.

“Hold the crossbow tighter against your shoulder,” I warned him. “I don’t know how this thing will kick yet.” I did test fire it, but not against my shoulder.

His grip tightened before he fired and completely missed, shattering the bolt against my wall.

“Oh wow. So uh… you probably don’t know how to shoot, do you?”

“Point one end at the enemy and pull the trigger,” he answered, lowering the crossbow.

“There’s more to it than that. A lot more to it than that. Load it up again and I’ll run through it.” He pulled the string back and grabbed a bolt from the case, reloading it. “Alright, lift it up to an aiming position but don’t touch the trigger.” He did. “Now, completely even out your breathing. You’re not in a hurry because the target’s not going anywhere.” I heard and saw him start taking slow breaths. “The point of this is so that you’ll always know how the weapon is going to move. If you start breathing quickly, you might lose it. Now I know from your shooting stance that you’re right-handed. Look down the sights with your right eye.” His body shifted. “The front two sights have a small slot between them. Put the middle dot that’s farther down the crossbow on the middle of the target. My grandfather always told me to keep both eyes open while shooting with iron sights, but fuck that noise. Once you feel you have a good fix for how the crossbow is moving with your breathing, put your finger on the trigger. Wait until you are breathing out to shoot.”

After a few more seconds of aiming, he fired and actually managed to hit the target.

“It’s off by a lot, but it’s a hit,” I said, smiling. “In hindsight, I should have just made you a longbow, but this was more fun. Now reload and try again. Let’s see if you have a grouping or if that was just luck."

“This weapon is strange,” he said as he reloaded. “It takes so little skill to use and yet is just as lethal as a sword. I think I might go so far as to call this one of the most evil weapons ever created.” What are you, the pope?

“Not entirely true. You’re shooting in just about pristine conditions. The crossbow is clean and waxed. There’s not much weather going on. And there’s no noise or exhaustion distracting you. If you try to take your time like that in a battle, you’ll get run through unless you’re well hidden.”

“I would not use this device on a battlefield. This is for hunting, nothing else.” He aimed it again and fired, hitting near where he did the previous time.

“One more shot in that area and I’ll adjust the sights. So why don’t you want to use this in battle?”

“Because this weapon is dishonorable. It is unfair to your opponent to be able to kill them from so far.”

“You’d hate my world, then. When I left, the record kill was a shot over a mile long. Now that takes skill.”

“Hm…” He fired again, putting it in the general area of the other three.

“Alright, close enough. Hand it back.” He passed me the very large and heavy weapon. I set it on the ground and pulled out a small screwdriver. I made some small adjustments to the front sight before handing it back. “See what that does.”

Close enough to center. The next two were as well.

“Alright, good enough,” I said. “Go collect the bolts and we can see about getting you some broadhead bolts for hunting.”

He pulled another one out of his quiver. “I can’t use this?” he asked.

I shook my head. “That’s for target practice. As it is, it would go straight through whatever you’re shooting at and come out the other side, leaving a small hole for them to eventually bleed to death from. Unless you got a headshot or a heart shot, it would take them forever to die. A broadhead bolt will penetrate and then cut up everything in between it and its exit or stopping point.”

He went to go collect his bolts, hopefully pondering the potential damage the weapon I gave him could cause. He got back just as Cadance came out to see what the hell we were doing.

“Oh Celestia, there’s two of them now?” she asked, looking at the crossbow.

“Yep,” I answered. “Hey, lift your wings up. I want to show the naga something.”

“He has a name, you know,” she answered. “Wait, do you?”

“I do,” he said, nodding. “What am I looking at, human?”

Cadance had lifted up both of her wings. I pointed at an area right behind her shoulder, on her side. “This is where you want to aim when you shoot an animal. Right behind the shoulder, so the bolt goes into their chest cavity and destroys all of their important organs.”

Cadance jerked away from me, slamming her wings down. “What’s wrong with you, Nav? Why would you use me for that?!”

“Because you’re shaped like most quadrupeds, duh. That’s pretty much all he’ll be hunting. Hey, where’s your demon spawn?”

“If you mean my sweet and beautiful foal, she’s peacefully sleeping.”

Probably dreaming about choking me to death. “Whatever. Now, I need to go into town to make some special orders with the blacksmith.” Who, by the way, loves me for bringing him so much business. I haven’t had the heart to tell him that he’s making weapons. Maybe one day I’ll bring him a list of the things I’ve killed with the bolt heads he’s made me. “You can continue practicing, if you like. Cadance, I suggest you stay inside; I have paparazzi after me now that might snap a picture or two of you.”

“They don’t usually bother private property,” she said, looking up in the air.

“And if they do,” the naga said, “I will put this new toy to a good use.”

“Don’t fire it toward the town,” I warned. “If you miss, the bolt might land and hurt someone important. Anyway, I’ll be back when I’m back.”

When I landed at the blacksmith’s shop, I couldn’t keep a smile off my face. I had a little bit more to order than just broadheads. I ordered a metal tube with circular etchings inside.

For those of you that don’t know what that means, it was my first step in building a gun.

My second step was flying out to Zecora’s house and picking up some chemicals and ingredients that I had her promise not to reveal to Twilight. Hopefully my order of the rifled tube would be done soonish.

It was. A week later, the naga and I once again stood in my backyard, looking over at a target.

“Now, I don’t know if this’ll explode in my face or not,” I told him. “So I think by all rights you should fire it first.”

He looked down at me. “And in what way does that logic possibly make sense?”

“In the way that I got a little bit drunk before doing this so if I died I wouldn’t care as much.”

“…Hand me the gun.” I did, almost reluctant to pass my shitty little pistol over. He aimed it downrange, slowed his breathing, and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happ—BOOM!

The gun jerked backwards since the naga wasn’t expecting such a bad kick. The bullet slammed into my wall and I heard it ricochet back and fly off to who knows where.

Sometime during all that, the naga’s mouth dropped.

“Well… It works,” I said, loud enough to get over the ringing in my ears.

Cadance burst out of my back door. “What happened?! Is everypony okay?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” I told her. “Just testing an experimental weapon, is all.”

Before she could answer, a blue blur landed in front of us. “What happened?” Dash asked, looking around. “I heard some kind of explosion over here!”

“Nothing much,” I answered. “Just testing something. Shall we try again?” I asked the naga.

His mouth finally closed and he cleared his throat. “That was definitely something. And you say these weapons are common where you come from?”

“Yep. Hand it over so I can reload.”

He did and I started reloading, the two ponies watching with curiosity etched into their faces.

Before I could fire again, a third guest joined us. “Um, is everypony alright?” Fluttershy quietly asked as she landed next to Dash.

“All good here,” I said. “I can’t believe you heard that all the way over there.”

“Hear what?” she asked. “I just felt something fly by right in front of me and found this.” She held up a very flattened lead bullet. “I saw that it came from this way and then saw everypony gathered around here, so I thought I would make sure you were all okay.”

Oooh, that could have been bad. “Alright, I’m not firing this gun next to a stone wall. Or at least, not directly at one. Wait here.”

I flew up and sat on my roof, so that I was aiming down at the target. I adjusted my aim properly, said a quick prayer, and pulled the trigger. After a second, the gun fired.

Fluttershy jumped, screamed, and hid under Dash. The other three flinched. I didn’t hear any ricocheting that time, so I flew back down and checked out the target. “Missed again,” I sighed. “Then again, this pistol is pretty crappily made. It’s more of an emergency backup weapon.”

“What is that?” Dash asked, stepping over Fluttershy to take a better look at it.

“Human weapon,” I answered. “I’ve been wanting to make one for the longest time. It’s not a good weapon and it’ll probably never help me, but it’ll feel good to have just in case.”

“What’s it do?” she asked.

I held up a lead ball. “It uses an explosion to fire this at an insane speed so that when it impacts the target it does a ton of damage.”

“Cool! Can I try?”

I smiled and ruffled her mane. “Silly Dashie, you don’t have fingers! You couldn’t even pull the trigger.”

She glared at me before taking a short second to shake her head, undoing any damage I did to her hair. “Twenty bits says I can do it.”

“No deal. I know you fuckers are good at doing things that shouldn’t make sense. Hold on, let me reload it.” I did so and held it out for her. “No sights on this one. Just aim down the barrel and hope for the best. But do it on my roof.”

“Why up there?” she asked.

“The thing that almost hit Fluttershy was a bullet that he shot from here to the target. The bullet bounced off the wall and flew back all the way to wherever she was. If you shoot down, it’ll have a higher chance of embedding into the ground.” Probably.

“Whatever.” She took the gun and flew up to my roof. She sat down and gripped the gun with her two forelegs and lifted both wings to the trigger. She took a second to aim or whatever before jerking her wings back.

Now, for those of you that have never pulled a trigger on either a gun or a crossbow, jerking the trigger is exactly what you don’t want to do. The gun fired, sending the bullet over my wall and into the forest, where we heard it bouncing around the trees.

Dash fluttered down to us, looking somewhat abashed. “I don’t think I did it right…” she said, looking at the gun.

“Yeah, you aren’t supposed to jerk the trigger. I only had twenty bullets made. Cadance, you want to try it?”

“…No thanks. I’m not really a fighting pony, Nav.” Tell that to the changeling you murdered.

“Fluttershy?”

Her eyes opened wide and she started backing away, shaking her head.

Dash grinned and slapped her on the back with a wing. “Of course she does!” She pushed Fluttershy forward despite her wishes.

“This is her choice,” I said. “If she wants to, she can. If not, she doesn’t have to. Hell, I remember my first few times shooting a gun… Heh, some fucker accidentally shot me. I was so pissed. But yeah, do you want to or not?”

“I don’t!” she hastily assured me. I shrugged and slipped the gun into a pocket.

“In that case, anyone up for a celebratory succession of drinks?” I asked. “Vinyl got me a shipment of alcohol recently. I wouldn’t mind getting trashed.”

Cadance quickly shook her head, probably remembering the last time she got drunk.

“What is alcohol?” the naga asked. “You mentioned drinking before, but I do not know what you meant.”

“It’s stuff that makes you feel and think differently,” I told him.

Dash grinned. “If Fluttershy’s in, I’m in.” I’m not entirely certain that I liked the sound of that, but I’m sure Cadance would step in if Dash goes for the date-rape route.

“Um… I’m not so sure…”

“Come on, Flutters!” Dash said, wrapping a foreleg around her neck. “My first time was loads of fun!” She then added a muttered, “Until I woke up…”

“What was that last part?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nothing,” I answered. “You in or out, Fluttershy? I ain’t wasting my time by getting drunk alone, so either you two join me or I don’t bother.”

“Well… okay.”

“What about you, big guy?” Dash asked the naga.

He looked down at me. “Navarone, is it a good idea?”

I shrugged. “It would be interesting. Might help loosen you up a little. Cadance, you’re in charge. Make sure we don’t do anything that’s too illegal.”

Flo spoke up for the first time in a long time. “Nav, this is going to end poorly.”

Oh, trust me, I know. She just groaned.

I started us off light, just a few mugs of the lighter stuff. Having magical organs or whatever meant it took more for me to get drunk, so I was probably about on par with a pony.

Fluttershy had a faint blush after a few rounds. The naga didn’t look like he was being affected at all. Dash had a smile on her face, knowing what was coming. Cadance wasn’t in the room as she was making sure her hell spawn was alright.

It didn’t take long for me to pull out the heavier stuff. Soon enough, Fluttershy was tanked and I was well on my way. The naga’s tail was slowly starting to curl. Dash was just openly smirking at Fluttershy, who was staring at me with a very flushed face.

I don’t remember much after a certain point. I do, however, remember waking up nibbling on Rainbow Dash’s wing. We were both in my bed and neither of us were wearing clothes. We were snuggled up tightly against each other.

“Dash?” I whispered, spitting out some bits of feathers.

Her eyes creaked until she realized she was staring me dead in the face from a very close and personal area. After that, she shot out of bed, her face quickly reddening and her eyes slamming open. “Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh did we…?”

I sat up, pressing a hand against my forehead. “I have no clue. I say we pretend this never happened.”

She looked around the room and I took a moment to do so as well. My clothes were strewn about it. A number of blue and white feathers also dotted the floor.

Eventually our gazes met again. “Yeah,” she said, nodding. “I’m okay with that. Just… what the hay happened to Fluttershy, then?”

I shrugged. “I’m sure she’s fine. Now, let’s get something for our heads. I know mine is hurting.”

“Nav, you know Fluttershy! And you live right next to the forest! There’s no telling what the pony could be up to!”

Flo whispered through the pain in my mind, “She’s fine, Nav. And you did not have sex with Rainbow Dash, though when you get something for your head, I will have to tell you something about Fluttershy.”

Well, that’s ominous. “Dash, she’s fine. Trust me. Not even alcohol would make Fluttershy go into that forest without a good reason. And at the very least, you aren’t very useful to her with a splitting headache. Let’s just go and make Cadance give us something to ease our heads.”

I grabbed the set of pants on the floor and shook the feathers off before pulling them up. “So why is she here, anyway?” she asked.

“We didn’t tell you? Long story short, Skyla almost got assassinated. I managed to kill the assassins, but Cadance and Shiny are worried there might be more. She’s staying here in secret until they’re all rooted out. So yeah, don’t tell anyone.”

“…Sometimes I really want your life, Nav. Now hurry up.”

I muttered darkly as I stood up. I started walking, but kicked something hard and metallic. I pulled the offender up before I realized what it was. I quickly tried to hide it, but Dash saw it. “Is that my cutie mark?” she asked, peering at the blue boot in my hand.

“No.” I shoved it under the bed. “Now come on.”

“No, I wanna see this!” She jumped to her side of the bed before I could stop her and jammed her head under it, leaving her ass shaking in the air. After a moment, she gave a cry of triumph before pulling herself back out, wielding that blue boot. “This is my cutie mark! Nav, what the hay? Why do you have something like that?”

“It’s part of a set. Now put it back and let’s go.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, you have a set of metal clothes with my cutie mark on it? That’s creepy, dude!”

“No, not all of it has your cutie mark on it. Now seriously, stop asking questions that I don’t want to answer.”

“Not until you answer them! Now what do you mean, not all of them have mine?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I quickly found a rainbow maned pony standing on my chest. When I realized she was standing on me, I found that I was on the floor. “Tell me!”

The door swung open. “Are you two still going at it?” Doppel asked, eyeing us with distaste. “At least you put your pants back on, though I’ll admit it was funny watching you wiggle around.”

We were both staring at her with the most ‘what the fuck’ looks we could manage. “What are you talking about?” Dash asked, not getting off me.

“You don’t remember? The two of you spent hours last night wrestling. You two kept saying something about bros and finishing that contest from years ago.”

“Well… that explains the feathers everywhere,” I said.

“Where’s Fluttershy?!” Dash demanded, finally jumping off me and getting all up in Doppel’s face.

Doppel grinned. “Ah, the yellow one. I got quite a tasty treat from her last night.”

That was precisely the wrong thing to say to Dash. She grabbed Doppel by the throat. “If you hurt her, I swear I’ll—”

“Dash! Put her down!” I grabbed her by the tail and yanked her away from Doppel. Dash glared at me, but I was glaring at Doppel. “You have exactly no time to explain what you did to Fluttershy.”

Doppel quickly assumed an innocent expression. “Nothing! She’s curled up on the couch! But the waves of lust she was exuding… I could taste it.”

“Oh… Huh.” Well, that was surprising. I could see that it shocked Dash as well. Her mouth was dropped.

“Uh… who was it for?” she eventually asked.

Doppel gave us a cheeky smile. “Why, if I told you that, it would ruin all the fun!”

Flo giggled. “She does have a point.”

Dash didn’t seem to like that answer. And honestly, neither did I. But whatever. “Fine, keep your secrets,” I said. “My head still hurts. Dash, you coming or what?”

She narrowed her eyes at Doppel. “I’m watching you.”

Doppel rolled her eyes. “Watch me if you must. But someone has to clean up the mess you two made last night, and the longer you linger in here, the longer that someone will have to be me.”

Having a maid is awesome. Dash and I thankfully walked away from the room without any more questions about my armor. “…Wish I had somepony to clean my house,” Dash was muttering to herself.

“Hey, it’s not all that great,” I said. “I have to pay her with sex.” I was silent for a few seconds. “Well, I guess it is pretty great. If you want, I don’t think she’d mind if you gave her a quick tip.”

“I think I’d prefer my own luck to doing anything with that whorse. The nerve of that mare…”

“You get used to it. I deal with enough headstrong mares, after all.”

“Yeah, because you live in Ponyville. If you lived in a place like Stalliongrad, you’d find more subdued mares.” I wish I had known that. “But I don’t think I could ever get used to her.”

“Hey, you got used to Gilda.”

“Heh, yeah… How has she been, anyway? I haven’t seen her in a few days.”

I nodded. “She needed to go back to her estate. I figured she had told you.” With her went some extra information requested by the king, who would soon lose most of his power.

Dash shrugged. “Whatever. She’ll be back when she’s back. She always was like that.”

We finally got to the living room, to see Fluttershy on the couch. “Should we wake her up?” I whispered.

Dash shook her head. “She needs the sleep, as much as she deals with her animals. Let’s just find Cadance.”

She was where she belonged: In the kitchen. Taya was also there, holding a frying pan with magic. “Now just flip it,” Cadance said, smiling her typical smile.

Taya did so while Dash and I practically collapsed into chairs.

They both looked up when we walked in. Cadance quickly took to blushing, and she looked away.

“I don’t reckon we could get some healing on us?” I asked.

And now Cadance was narrowing her eyes at me. “After your behavior last night? You’re lucky I don’t use a different kind of magic on you instead!”

“I don’t remember anything of my behavior last night, past the part where we got drunk. Dash is in the same boat. So if you would kindly unwad your panties and heal us, that would be great.”

Dash whispered, “What are panties?”

“Later,” I quietly answered.

“You knew the consequences,” Cadance huffed. “This is your own fault.”

“Yeah I knew the consequences. I also knew that I could get around them because I have two unicorns living in my house. Given that half of those unicorns is an alicorn and living in my house on sufferance more than anything, I figured she would be okay with that.”

“Normally, yes. But after what you did last night… and your total obliviousness, I decided it might be best if you deal with this one yourself.”

I’m not nearly as oblivious as she thinks. Just apathetic.

“Whatever. Taya, you’re good to heal us, right?”

She looked back at me, still levitating the pan. “Kinda busy here, daddy.”

I waved a hand. “It’s cool, we can wait a few.” I lifted a wing up and started cleaning and fixing all the fucked up feathers. After a second of awkwardness, Dash joined me in preening, fixing up her wings as well.

“So aren’t you two curious at all about what happened?” Cadance asked, watching us work.

“Nope,” I answered. No reason to let her know Doppel already told us. “We’re good.”

“Besides, that ugly bug thing already told us,” Dash helpfully added. I just shook my head. “What?”

“What exactly did she tell you?” Cadance asked.

“That Dash and I nakedly wrestled around the house.”

“So… she didn’t mention the naga or Fluttershy?”

“No,” Dash said. “She mentioned Fluttershy. Didn’t tell us what she did, though.”

“Let’s just say that my signature spell wouldn’t do much for her.” I sighed internally, my suspicions confirmed.

“And just what the hay does that mean?” Dash asked.

“It means that Fluttershy has the hots for someone,” I answered, moving onto my other wing.

“Oh… Who?”

“Answering that would ruin the fun,” Cadance answered. I already knew the answer anyway.

“Whatever,” I said. “I’m not in the mood for this. Dash, go wake her up with a kiss and see how she reacts.”

Her wings jerked as though they should be standing up straight. “I uh… I think it can wait…”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself. It’s probably the naga anyway. I mean, have you seen that guy? Totally muscular. I bet he makes all the mares wet. Speaking of which, where is he?”

“Absolutely no clue,” Cadance answered with a shrug. “I spent all last night making sure you two didn’t break anything. And making sure Fluttershy didn’t jump a certain somepony’s bones. He wandered away some time last night. I think he mentioned something about slaying a great beast.”

Well, that isn’t ominous at all. There was a plate of pancakes being levitated my way, though, so I just assumed the naga would be okay in favor of eating.

“Hey, what about me?” Dash asked.

Taya nodded at the stove. “Pan’s still hot.” She joined us at the table as Dash crossed her forelegs and muttered.

“What’s the matter, Dash? Mad you aren’t getting light and fluffy pancakes made by a kind and loving daughter?” I asked, merrily devouring one of them. She huffed. “Well, there’s a kind and loving Fluttershy in the next room that still needs to be woken up. Way I figure, she has a one in three chance of being willing to cook you morning-after pancakes.”

“Nav, will you stop trying to hook me up with my friend? If anypony, I think she’s more than likely set on you.”

I shrugged. “Thank you, Taya. These pancakes are considerably better than what I was planning to have for breakfast this morning.” Namely, nothing.

“Daddy, you don’t usually eat breakfast.”

“I know.”

“So… my pancakes are just better than nothing?”

I stopped eating for a moment and gave her a deadpan stare. She giggled and I went back to eating.

Just as I finished, Cadance put more on the table. There was plenty for her, Dash, Taya, and presumably Fluttershy.

“Now I don’t reckon you can heal us?” I asked.

Taya’s horn lit up and my pain disappeared.

“Thank you. I’ll go wake up Fluttershy.” I stood and took a second to stretch. “Feels good to properly wake up.”

“So… what about me?” Dash asked as I walked out of the kitchen and to the living room.

I heard Fluttershy muttering in her sleep. I didn’t want to hear anything incriminating, so I just started poking her. She flinched a few times before rolling over and off the couch. She hit the ground with an amusing ‘eep!’

“That’s one way to wake you up, I guess,” I said. “Breakfast is ready, if you want it.”

She was too busy clutching her head. “Oooh, it hurts!”

“Yep. Taya and Cadance are in the other room, though. You need to get there before you can get healed.”

She had a look of determination and pain on her face before realization struck her and she blushed. “Um… do you remember anything about last night?”

“Nope. You coming or what?”

“Um… I guess…” She tenderly got to her hooves before slowly walking toward the kitchen.

“Well, at least she didn’t throw up,” I muttered. As far as I know, none of us did. I went down to the cellar to see if the naga was there. If he wasn’t and he wasn’t in or near the house, I was thinking we might have a problem.

I made my way past the generator and into the pool area to find a noticeable lack of naga. “This could get ugly…” I walked back upstairs and outside, flying up and around the house. No naga. “Where the hell did he go?” I asked no one, looking around.

Thankfully, the naga’s interesting form of walking means he tends to leave a semi-noticeable trail wherever he goes. I landed in front of my gate and eyed the ground. There were several instances of him going to and from the forest, but one broke off and headed somewhere else. I jumped into the air and followed that one.

After several twists and turns, it eventually led me to a very familiar lake. This was the lake where the giant squid lived.

“…I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Just to be sure, though, I flew over the top so I could look down and try to spot him.

I did, near the middle of the lake. He was coiled around the squid, holding onto it. Neither was moving. I took a deep breath and dove for it, propelling myself deep into the lake. When I got down there, I shook the naga until his eyes popped open.

His head jerked around and he quickly noticed his odd position. His mouth dropped and he did his best to untangle himself as I swam back to the surface. I broke free and began lazily paddling my way to the edge.

The naga joined me when I got out. “Cain, what happened?” he quietly asked.

I looked down in the water. “Is the squid dead?”

“It is not.”

“Then buddy, I think you just fucked a giant squid.”

“…I am never touching alcohol again.”

Before I could answer that, I saw something large swimming out of the water. “Dude, run!” I fucking booked it. The naga looked behind him and somehow paled before slithering away as quickly as possible.

I looked back when I was far enough away and saw the squid surface. It waved its tentacles around and made clicking noises with its beak.

I turned and kept fucking running.

When we could no longer see the lake, we slowed down. “Cain, we will never speak of this again.”

“Yeah… that seems fair.”

“Good. The yellow quiet pony wants to lie with you. I believe that if you do not want a naga, she would be a good mate. Nice and quiet, subdued… She is much better than that annoying pink pony.” I didn’t know if he meant Pinkie or Cadance, but either way the point was the same. And he was right, in a way. If I wasn’t leaving in a year I would give Fluttershy a chance.

It wouldn’t be fair to her to just start something like that and then leave right in the middle of it. There’s also the fact that I’m broken, but if anyone had a chance of dealing with that it would be Fluttershy.

We made it back home soon enough. I was mostly dry when I stepped through the door. The naga immediately went to the cellar and came back out a few minutes later with his crossbow and sword. He said nothing as he left.

“What got him in a huff?” Cadance asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered, sitting back down at the table. The others had finished eating by then, and were awkwardly trying to not push the subject of just what the hell happened last night. I saw an opportunity and took it. “So I think we can all agree that pretending last night never happened is a good plan. All in favor?”

Dash nodded. Cadance and Fluttershy didn’t move. Taya shrugged.

“All opposed?”

Cadance and Fluttershy lifted their hooves.

“Okay, that’s three against two. Majority rules, silence and forgetting wins. No one mentions it.”

“Who was the third?” Cadance demanded.

“The naga. He told me that we would never talk about what happened. That sounds enough to me like he never wants to talk about it.”

“That doesn’t count!”

I sighed and looked at Taya. “Work with me here, dear.”

“…Not talking about it is good.”

“There, three against two.” Fluttershy sighed and looked down at her plate. Cadance pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. Dash and I brofisted. “Alright, now I just need something to do today. Any suggestions?”

Cadance’s horn lit up and an envelope flew over and smacked me in the face. I opened it up and pulled out the letter, quickly reading through it.

“…Oh yeah. I forgot about that.”

“What is it, Nav?” Dash asked, squeezing next to me to try to read it.

“The war games start tonight. I need to get my shit ready. I gotta be in Canterlot by… Oh fuck. Taya, meet me out back in half an hour.” I dropped the letter and ran upstairs. I put my armor on as quickly as possible. The black armor, not the gay armor.

I then grabbed a bag and started stuffing clothes in it, because I didn’t know how long I would be in the field. With the clothes went a number of human weapons and a dark cloak that I could stuff things in and wear over my armor.

Then I started putting weapons on. Sword, daggers, throwing knives, crossbow and bolts… My key went on a sling about my neck. My ring joined it, for the moment. A few minor explosives, all of which couldn’t actually hurt someone, went into the bag.

About twenty-five minutes after I got upstairs, I made it back downstairs. I found everyone waiting out back. Doppel, Dash, Fluttershy, Cadance, and Taya. I pulled the ring necklace over my head, loaded my crossbow, and said, “Taya, put a shield around the target. I’ve been wanting to test this for ages.”

She did. I put the ring around the bolt and fired it at the target. The bolt went right through the shield.

“Awesome. Dash, if anyone asks, tell them I’m out of town on business. Fluttershy, keep being awesome. Cadance, listen to the naga when it comes to keeping you safe. That dude’s insane, but good at what he does. Doppel, keep being sexy and make sure the house stays clean. Taya, love you and I’ll see you when I get back.”

I didn’t even stop to listen to their replies, just quickly flew over to the bolt, pulled it out, grabbed my ring, and flew off. I assume they read the letter and knew I was due in Canterlot in an hour and a half, and thus didn’t want to slow me down any.

It was a thankfully uneventful flight. I landed in Canterlot castle where there was a large group of unhappy looking bat ponies. I assume they were unhappy because they had to be awake during the day.

When I touched down, one of them approached me. “Princess Luna is waiting for you in the room you hate, wherever that is.”

I nodded. “Thank you.” I spread my wings and took off to the courtyard adjoining that room. I landed in it, looked in the window, and saw Luna carefully balanced on a bookshelf that was right next to the door, presumably so that she could tackle me when I walked in.

I pushed open the window and hauled myself inside. She glared at me from her perch. “You were supposed to use the door.”

“And princesses are supposed to be above petty pranks.” Luna teleported to the floor. “What do you need?”

She looked me over. “Where is your knightly weapon?”

“Why would I use an axe if I have a magic sword? Come on, Luna.”

“How else is anypony going to know you’re my knight?”

I crossed my arms. “The fact that I’m the only human on the planet, maybe?”

She rolled her eyes. “At least you aren’t wearing that hideous armor my sister insisted we give you. I hope you had it destroyed.”

“Hidden, actually. Just in case, you know?”

She shrugged. “No matter. I need to give you the proper look before you meet your opposing knight, though I think you already know him. Sir Fancy Pants, I believe his name is.”

“Oh man, I love that guy! He’s the only rich fuck in this place that’s worth dealing with. It’ll be a shame that I’ll have to murder him.”

“Quite. Now stand still.” Her horn lit up and I felt my wings slowly hardening to become bat-like. I also tasted blood as my fangs grew. I grinned at the taste, letting blood spill from my smile. “By the moon, that’s creepy… I do not think you will have any problems with scaring anypony, Nav.”

“Good. I don’t suppose you have a towel or something?”

Her horn lit up and a dark blue towel popped into place. She dabbed my face with it, jerking it away whenever I tried to take it. I rolled my eyes and waited until she was finished. “There. Now, come along.” I followed her out of the room and fell into step alongside her while we walked.

“So what kind of rules do I need to know, anyway?” I asked, tossing a dagger up in the air for the fun of it.

“Officially, there are none. Unofficially, though, there are a number of unspoken rules and regulations in place, much the same as it is in regular war. Don’t mistreat prisoners, don’t use poison, and treat your opponents with honor are the three main ones. The knights each team fields are expected to aid their team and treat their counterparts with honor and respect. However, I have a feeling that Fancy Pants will not be holding his breath while expecting that from you.”

“Will I get anything for winning?”

“The recognition for beating the day soldiers. And you might get a… personal prize from me, if you are interested.”

I was not. We continued in silence, until I asked, “Do you want me to win this campaign, dark and dirty? Or do you want me to make you look good and risk losing by playing honestly?”

“Navarone, I want you to humiliate Shining Armor. Do that however you see fit.”

“The best way to do that would be to beat him at his own game. But that ain’t how I roll. How long do these games usually last?”

“Two or so weeks, unless an emergency comes up.”

I nodded. “We’ll see about that.” If their ranks and fighting style was the same as I was expecting, I could probably take them out within a week, depending on the number of troops they had. “What numbers are we looking at?”

“Each side will use five hundred troops.” At my barked laugh, she looked over. “What?”

“Five hundred? That’s ridiculously small. Shit… Well, at least it won’t take long.” Three days will be my goal. I grinned as plans ran through my head.

“I know that look,” she said. “That’s the look of you winning.”

“Let’s just say that this is going to be a bloodbath.” If, of course, I was right about a few things.

We soon arrived to the room where Celestia was waiting with Fancy Pants. “So you finally deigned to join us, Nav,” she warmly said.

“Hey, I got that letter with less than two hours to get ready. I got trashed last night and had to pick up the pieces. I’d say me being here at all is pretty good.” I nodded at my counterpart. “Sup, bro. I didn’t know you were a knight.”

“I am indeed. And I was quite happy when I heard you joined our ranks, though I admit to some disappointment when I heard you joined the ranks of the night. No offense to you of course, Princess.”

Luna didn’t answer, which might have been a good thing. Instead, she cast her gaze on Celestia. “When will the games officially begin?”

“The troops are leaving for their staging area in one hour. The game will begin half an hour after that. The playing area will be in and around the forest to the east. Now, the two of you should probably go back to your teams. I’m sure you have preparations to make.”

I shrugged and started walking to the door. Fancy Pants took a moment to bow and all that fun stuff before following me.

We started walking side by side down the hall. He said, “It will be interesting to see your fighting style in play, human. I have one request, though I don’t expect you of all ponies to hold up to it. Should we ever meet in combat, try to give me a fair fight.”

“I’ll think about it.” And I actually meant that. Fancy Pants was a pretty cool dude. Aside from the fact that I was planning on going in and assassinating every single officer except for Shining Armor on the first night, I would love to fight him in a fair fight with no consequences.

“Well, at least that isn’t a refusal. I am somewhat surprised that the princess chose me for this, of anypony. I may seem dapper, but I’m getting up there in age. Still, I must say that it’s an honor, even if a dubious one, to be facing the Defender of Harmony himself.”

“Please never call me that again.” Seriously, how is that a real title?

“Oh? Humble, are you?”

“No, it’s not that. I just think that it’s a shitty title and I don’t like titles anyway. I also don’t like being honored, especially when Celestia turned around and told me that the honor was a punishment for pissing her off. And God, did you see that armor I got? Hideous.”

“…Navarone, you are not a pony.”

I nodded, smiling. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

He sighed. “I can’t even tell if that’s an insult or not…”

“Let me put it this way: The princesses have a spell that can turn me into a pony, and I absolutely hated every minute of the experience.” We stopped at a large courtyard full of bright white ponies. I held out my hand. “Good luck, bro. I have a feeling you’re going to need it.”

He shook my hand. “We will see about that, Sir Navarone. I’ve longed to see you truly fight, and this will be an interesting way to do it.”

“Then I will see you on the field of battle, my friend. Until then.” He left to join his group and I continued on my way until I realized I was lost and stepped outside to fly to my group.

I was quickly escorted to Midnight with her command group. “There you are,” she said, relief in her voice. “We were beginning to wonder if you were going to show up. Alright, do you remember the group you had when you raided the castle?” I nodded. “You will be in command of that force, along with a few other squads. I expect you to report to me what you’re doing when it’s convenient, and to be ready to cancel your plans on a moment’s notice if something big happens. Any questions?”

“Can I have the changeling and the griffin?”

“You can have Quisling. I have plans for Shade and the few other griffins she has. Anypony else have questions?” There were none. “Alright. Go to your groups, everypony. Navarone, wait here for a moment.” We waited in silence as the others broke off. “I’m giving you a lot of autonomy here, Nav. Before I leave, I want to know what your game plan is for winning this one. And why did you want the changeling and griffins?”

“My plan is to kill every officer they have except for Shining Armor and one other, and then have Quisling disguise as one of the killed officers. Then create a ruckus so it looks like the assassin was caught before he could finish his work so no one will be suspicious. From then on, we’ll just harass the shit out of them.”

“And you are sure you can get around Shining Armor’s shield?”

I nodded. “Very sure. Maybe we’ll even poison their food supply while we’re in there.”

She shook her head. “No. I am okay with assassinations, but we will not risk actually hurting somepony with poison.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. How many officers is he going to have, and how will we be able to tell who is who?”

“You’re going in at night, so expect them to be in tents. The common troops will be sleeping outside, probably.”

“And our camping arrangements?”

“We’re taking the suggestion you made some time ago. There will be five camps, all within range of quick response to the other. Officers have been unmarked since the troops know them well enough. We will have no tents, since we’ll be camping inside the actual woods. I believe Shining Armor will camp outside the forest.” That might make things a little harder, but it might also make them easier. “Your fifty troops will be billeted with my command group. Come, I’ll take you to your ponies.”

I followed her. “So what’s the plan for the other groups?” I asked.

“Once again, I’m following your suggestion. The groups are mostly autonomous, though I expect runners from each group so I know who is doing what. I expect patrols, ambushes, raids, and a number of other things. I will order everypony to stay away from the enemy base while you’re working there tonight.”

“Thanks, Blossom.”

“It’s Captain Midnight, Sir Navarone. I expect professionalism while on a mission.”

I shrugged. “That’ll be easy enough to fake, I suppose. I only have one professional bone in my body, though.”

“And if you keep talking about it, I am going to break it.”

“Hey! I like my right index finger! I have a load of good memories with it…”

She gave me a level stare before stopping. “Here are your troops. You have three groups of fifteen and five runners. Quisling will be sent this way shortly.” She nodded at a pony that sidled up next to me. “I believe you know Sunshine Smiles. He will be your cheat sheet for the army, since you probably do not know many of our terms and orders.”

I looked down at him. He beamed up at me. “Shut up, Smiles.” His grin widened and I looked back to Midnight. “Anything I need to know before we go?”

“Everypony should have all the rations they need already. If you’ve never commanded this many troops before, you need to make sure they have time to eat and to rest. I’ve heard tales of your vaunted stamina. These ponies are soldiers, but they aren’t super ponies.”

“Chill, I got this. As long as no one starts an impromptu orgy, I should be fine.” Although I’d be pretty good in that situation as well. “You can head on, Captain. I’ll be fine.”

She nodded. “Very well. May the shadows be with you, Sir Navarone.” She left to join her own group, leaving me with fifty troops that were all staring at me.

I crossed my arms behind my back. “Alright. Some of you have worked with me in the past. Some of you have not. For those of you that haven’t, know this: I expect you to not be completely retarded. There is a good chance I will ask you to do something that will require some manner of intelligence. Please do not let me down. That would be very disappointing. Another thing you might not know if you haven’t worked with me is that I am rather unconventional. This group will be doing things that are unfair, cruel, violent, and thoroughly underhanded. And I expect to get results. Any questions?” A random pony raised his hand. “Yes?”

“Why not just fight the way we usually do?”

“Because I like winning. Any other questions?” Some chick raised a hoof. “Yes?”

“Can I have your autograph?”

“…What?”

“My son wants your autograph, sir.”

I blinked a few times before shrugging. “If you’ve got paper and something to write with, sure. Any other questions?” The mare scrambled away, presumably to find something to write with. Someone else raised a hoof. I wasn’t actually expecting questions… “Yeah?”

“Whose group are we staying with during the day, sir?”

“Captain Midnight’s. Intermingle if you must, but remember that we’re probably going to be on the move a lot. Or at least, I will be. There are three groups of fifteen here, so I’ll probably go out with one group while the other two get rest.”

The mare from before came running back with paper and a pencil. I bent down to Sunshine’s level to write on his back and made out my first ever autograph. It was… odd. I handed the paper and pencil back to her. “Thanks, Sir Navarone!” She rejoined her unit, tucking the paper into her armor.

I was about to ask for more questions when I heard someone blowing a horn. All the court unicorns that had been using magic on us to make the game nonlethal were finished. “That’s the signal to move,” Smiles told me.

I nodded. “Load up into the chariots. Unicorns, help the pegasi get attached. This shouldn’t be a long flight.”

It wasn’t. Finding suitable landing spots for the chariots, though… Well, it didn’t take as long as I was honestly expecting. There were a number of clearings just large enough to fit some of them in. Soon enough, we were all unloaded and had the chariots hidden as we melted into the trees.

I got a messenger from Midnight before we even got a camp set up. “The captain wants you to send two scouts out to look for the enemy’s landing site. Every other group is sending them out as well.”

I nodded, looking around the ponies for the five pegasi that didn’t belong. I soon found them clearing out a small area for themselves. “Go back to the captain. I’ll have them sent out soon.” He saluted and left as I walked over to the five pegasi.

They saluted when I reached them. “Can the saluting shit, we’re in the field. You two scout the empty land for one hour and come back here. If you find any large group of enemies going anywhere near the forest, one of you come back to me immediately while the other tails the group, trying to stay unseen. If you find the enemy camp, watch for as long as you can before coming back. Do not get knocked out. I need all five of you alive.” They nodded and took off. “Carry on.” They went back to clearing a spot on the forest floor as I went to find Smiles or Quisling.

Quisling was much easier to spot. He straightened up from his position on the ground when I came near. “So I heard you had a special job for me,” he said.

I nodded. “I do. How good are you at assassination?”

“Let me borrow one of your daggers and I’ll be very good at it. Getting me through the shield, though… I assume you have a plan?”

“I do. I’ll let you feed off some of my memories before we go, because you could be there for a few days if this goes off well.”

“Feed off… memories?”

“It’s a human thing. I don’t feel like explaining it. Be ready to go with the group at two in the morning.”

He shrugged. “Yes sir.” I left him and went to find Smiles. Given that almost all of the stallions looked the same, that was a lot harder than it looked. I found him soon enough by calling out his name.

“Sir?”

“Go find my three group leaders and bring them here. I need to know their names and any specialties.” He went off to do my bidding. Soon enough, I had three stallions and a mare in front of me. “You all know me. Who are you and does your group have specialties?”

One of the stallions, a pegasus, said, “Steel Rain, sir. My group is good for lightning raids. We get in quick and get out faster.” The mare and I cracked up at that and he blushed. “You know what I meant!”

“Keep telling yourself that, Steel,” the earth pony mare said. “I’m Panzer Wagon. We are one of the best groups of fighters out there and can take and dish a load of punishment.”

The last one was older, a grizzled unicorn. I looked at him and said, “And you’re the mage group?”

He shook his head. “No sir. Well, we do have a number of powerful unicorns, but we specialize in… unorthodox missions. Things the princesses do not want anypony to know about. You may call me the Watcher.”

“Well that’s creepy as fuck.” Looks like I have a tank group, a damage per second group, and a group that is possibly made up of green berets. “Watcher, have your group ready to go on a mission at two in the morning. Panzer, set out pickets. Give them either a signal or a password they can use to alert everyone else if there’s any sign of enemy movement. Rain, have your troops take up the slack in building the camp. Set up a latrine trench somewhere away from the main group.” He grimaced in distaste at the idea, but they all nodded and went off to do as I commanded.

I started walking around the area we took over, noting good locations to hide in trees. That might not make sense to most people, but think about it this way: Horses are natural prey animals that tend to live in prairies and open areas like that. Thus, any that would wind up in a forest would probably never think to look up to spot an ambush. I mean, their predators usually come from the ground, not from the air. I was hoping griffins and dragons wouldn’t have rendered that potential advantage worthless.

I was about to test some of the spots to see if they would hold me up when one of my scouts came zooming back into base, flying straight to me. “Sir, a large scouting group is entering the forest!”

“Numbers.”

“Thirty.”

I nodded once and yelled out, “Steel Rain! Get your group together! Quisling, you’re coming too.”

Less than two minutes later they were all standing in front of me, with some others watching the group. I picked out the messengers and waved them forward. “A large enemy scouting party just entered the woods. We’re going to intercept them. You,” meaning a messenger, “go tell the captain what we’re doing. You,” another messenger, “come with us. Everyone else, follow this guy.” Meaning the one that brought me the message. “Take us to where you think they’re going to be in fifteen minutes.”

“I can… try, sir.”

“Then lead the way.” He started loping off into the forest. We all followed his pace easily enough.

Rain paced me. “Sir, what kind of numbers are we looking at?”

“Thirty. Trust me, soldier, we’re going to be fine.” I really hope. “When we get to where we’re going, have all of your troops get into the trees and do their best to hide.”

“…Trees?”

“Yes. What kind of ambush plays things fair?”

He slowly grinned wickedly. “Yes sir!”

I nodded once. “When they start panicking, have all the unicorns shoot down flames for fifteen seconds and then have the pegasi drop the earth ponies into the enemies. Prisoners are not a priority, but I want at least one to escape.”

He nodded once and we went to running in silence. Until… “What will I be doing, sir?” Smiles asked, materializing next to me.

“Bait.” I didn’t know he was following us, but I wasn’t about to complain about him being there.

“Um…”

It didn’t take us long to get to where the messenger was hoping was the correct location. Steel Rain made sure all the ponies knew my instructions as the pegasi helped everyone get into the trees.

“Quisling, over here,” I called, waving him down. He flew over and landed next to me. “Turn into a wounded enemy soldier.” He did so, a questioning look on his face. “Smiles, fly up and try to find the enemies. When you do, land a little ways in front of them and get spotted. As they chase you, lead them a few yards from here, over that way.” I pointed to our right.

“I… yes sir…” He didn’t sound very happy about it, but he stretched his wings and carefully flew out of the forest.

“Quisling, on the ground.” He casually flopped down. I pulled my gauntlet off, put my ring on, and loaded my crossbow. I then took aim at a squirrel that was in the wrong place in the very wrong time and shot it. I walked over, grabbed the squirrel that had been completely cut in half, and walked back over to Quisling. I held the squirrel’s body up to my face, soaking my mouth and teeth in blood and letting it drip down my chin.

“Sir… what are you…”

“Shhh. You’re being eaten, Quisling.” I tossed the dead squirrel aside and knelt down. “When you hear the enemies stop, I want you to start screaming in pain.”

“Uh… Yes sir.”

Soon, only the gentle creaking of limbs could be heard, which could hopefully be confused for wind blowing through the branches.

About fifteen minutes after we got into position, I heard something crashing through the woods, heading our way. The noise slowly got louder and grew in volume until I saw Smiles running for his life. When he got where I told him to go, he spread his wings and jumped into the air, just in time for the scattered group of day guards to show up.

“We lost him, sir,” one of them said to the guy with the biggest hat.

“I am well aware, soldier,” he growled. “Everypony back into your ranks. He was running this way, so we can assume his camp is this way. Flankers out, eyes open.”

Right as they started to comply, Quisling started screaming. I bent in and grabbed his leg, lifting it to my mouth. The day guards started running my way, trying to see what was happening through the shadows of the woods.

As soon as they got close enough, I jerked my head up from his leg, meat and blood from the squirrel dripping down my face. I snarled at them, standing and drawing my sword.

“HE’S GONE MAD!” one of the redshirts screamed, turning and trying to bolt. Since he was in front of a long line of ponies, all that did was knock a few others down.

However, it did enough to start the panic I wanted. The officer was trying to get his troops in order so they could ‘put me down,’ but a number of troops had no desire to get eaten. I started running at them and as soon as I struck down the officer, flames started shooting down from the trees onto us. Since I was immune to magic, they didn’t do any damage to me, but they cut through the day guards and killed swatches of them. I continued butchering the panicked troops.

And when they saw Quisling get up and join me, boy did they freak out. The night guards dropping down on top of them from the trees did wonders, and the few survivors started bolting in terror. Unicorns took potshots at them until we couldn’t see them anymore.

I wiped my face off as much as I could and walked over to Steel Rain. “Casualties?”

“None, sir.”

I nodded. “Good. Have your pegasi help the unicorns off the trees. Messenger, send word to the captain that we took out a thirty strong scouting group with no casualties. Return to camp afterward.” He saluted and took off as the previous two scouts walked in front of me. They were both messy from having run through the woods. “You two stay with us. I think that’s good enough of a blow for the starting hour. We can rely on the other groups to find out where the enemy base is.”

“Yes sir,” they both said, nodding thanks.

I called out, “Did anyone see how many of them got away?” They all looked at each other and shook their heads. “Well, it was probably enough. Alright, let’s get back to camp. There’s a pretty good chance we just got the first kills of the game. Let’s keep this up.”

They all shouted a “Hoorah!” as Smiles rejoined us and we started jogging back to camp.

“So we won?” he asked, still catching his breath.

“Yep. Good job, Smiles. You managed to not die long enough to do something useful.”

“Uh… thank you, sir?”

I didn’t actually know if that was a compliment or not. I also didn’t really care either way. We continued our run in silence.

When we got back, we found the forest floor very well cleared out, with Watcher’s men sleeping and Panzer’s men standing guard. The messenger was waiting for me. He trotted over when we got into camp.

“Sir, Captain Midnight sends congratulations. She also had her troops help clear us a spot, since so many of ours were busy. She ordered that our pickets link up with hers so they’ll know where their friends are.”

I nodded. “Thank you, soldier. Tell Panzer to take care of it; it’s her troops that are out there.” He nodded and went off to find her.

Steel Rain came over to me. “Orders, sir?”

“Have your men rest. They did an outstanding job. Tonight I’ll want you and Panzer to be ready to bail out me and Watcher’s group when we do our mission, so they need to be well-rested. Hopefully it won’t come to us needing a heavy extraction, but if it does, I’d rather it be with the full group.”

He nodded. “I understand, sir. We’ll be ready for you.”

I nodded and settled in to wait. As it turns out, soldiering is a very boring business when you aren’t actively fighting or planning. I ended up sitting with a group of Panzer’s veterans and swapping stories with them.

A few hours after the ambush, I got a messenger from Midnight who gave me a map of the surrounding area, with all of the camps marked. It also showed Shiny’s army outside the forest. Up in the top right of the map, there was a count that read “Us: 498. Them: 465.” I assumed we lost two scouts, or maybe there was a minor skirmish or something.

I looked it over and realized that it would be hard to get to Shiny’s camp easily, assuming he had any guards at all out and about; they were in flatlands. I was hoping Watcher’s team had a fix for that.

With a map in hand and a relative plan in place, I settled back in with my troops and continued talking and telling stories to pass the time. After what felt like hours—because it was hours—it finally hit one in the morning. There had been a few more skirmishes of which none of my troops were involved, and the count was about 490 to 458.

I was about to decrease their count by a lot.

Watcher’s group was already awake and Rain’s group had taken over the pickets. Quisling was waiting for me. I walked over to him and knelt down. “Go ahead and take your fill,” I told him. “Assuming this works, you’ll probably be undercover for a while.”

“Do I just feed off you normally?” he asked. I nodded. He shrugged and his horn lit up. His eyes opened wide as he perused my open emotions. I felt something drain out of my mind as he sated his hunger. After nearly a minute, he pulled away with a smile, rubbing at his belly. “You taste good, sir.”

I nodded. “That’s what your queen said, if you know what I mean. Now join Watcher’s group; we’re moving out soon.” He nodded and joined the others. I waved the messengers over to their group as well and joined them, squatting down and pulling out the map. “Okay, this is the plan: We get Quisling in close enough to the shield. If there are any sentries awake inside, two of you will go to the edge of the shield and try to draw them out. We’ll silently ambush them. I need at least one sentry alive. I’ll quietly get some answers from him before Quisling takes his shape and goes through the shield. Then he’ll kill a number of high ranking officers before taking on the shape of one himself and remaining inside. We will then create a disturbance and get a small number of troops following us to an ambush set up by Panzer.” I came up with that last part on the spot. “Any questions?”

Quisling asked, “How am I getting inside, sir?”

“I have a magic nullifying ring. Don’t ask how I got it or where. I also have a way of making sure I get a true answer from the sentry. Any other questions?” There weren’t. “Alright, Watcher, do you have a way to get us quietly and invisibly to their camp?”

“Quietly, yes. Invisibly, sort of. We can cast a veil of darkness spell over ourselves. We won’t be invisible, but they won’t be able to easily see us.”

“Good enough.” I turned to one messenger. “Tell Panzer and her group to set up an ambush just inside the forest near the enemy’s base. We might be coming in hot when we exit. Tell her to get her ponies into the trees, if possible. Two other messengers, stay here. Everyone else, let’s move. Two pegasi, stay in the air and make sure we don’t bump into any enemies.”

We began slipping through the trees toward the enemy camp. You could only move so silently through a full forest, though. Not like it really mattered that much, I suppose.

We made it to the edge of the forest without running into any enemies. Panzer’s group caught up to ours shortly after we left. She didn’t seem overly pleased that I so suddenly included her, but she didn’t comment on it. She began setting her troops up as we quietly made our way out into the open, invisible to all but the most careful of watchers.

Shining Armor’s shield was a beacon in the center of the grassland, a big ‘attack here’ sign that I was just waiting to take advantage of. Soon enough, we were a hundred yards away from his shield, all crouched down and waiting to pounce.

I turned and whispered, “I need a pegasus volunteer.” One hand shot up. “Go over to the shield and find a way to get a single sentry out here. I would go, but he’d probably call everyone out to take me down.”

The soldier nodded. “Yes sir. Lead him this way?” I nodded. He sketched a small salute and spread his wings before jumping out of the cloud of darkness around us. We watched as he flew over to the shield. He flew to the center and landed on it. I couldn’t tell what he was doing. I soon heard a shout from inside and saw a pegasus flying out at the soldier, who quickly spread his wings and flew back at us. He landed just behind the shadow we were hiding in.

Watcher grabbed the enemy pegasus as he was flying over us and pulled him into the darkness, shoving magic into his mouth to silence him. I whispered, “Make his voice quieter so he can’t yell.” Watcher’s horn lit up again and he nodded at me. I pulled my key out and whispered, “What’s the watch password?”

The pegasus was glaring at me, but answered, “The day is clear.”

I passed my dagger and ring to Quisling. “When you get inside the shield, gently toss the ring outside. I’ll pick it up before we leave. You have to be wearing it for it to work. Don’t kill Fancy Pants or Shining Armor if you can help it. When you finish or if you get caught, throw this into a mass of sleeping soldiers and then turn into an officer.” I passed him a tear gas grenade.

“Yes sir.” He took everything and left the veil of darkness, turning into the pegasus as he walked back to the enemy base. The distraction joined us.

I finally noticed something and sniffed a few times, looking down at the pegasus. “Why do you smell like piss?”

My soldier giggled. “My fault, sir. I needed some way to get him and only him out of the shield. So… I peed on him.”

“…Well, that’s one way to piss someone off.” The pegasus was still struggling in his magical constraints. I poked him with a knife. “Look, if you don’t stop trying to fight, I’m going to remove you from the game. I mean, that would be better for you in the end because we’re about to win this, but still.” He sighed and stopped struggling. “There, isn’t that better? Now just relax and watch the show.”

There was silence for nearly half an hour before we heard the screams. I smiled, knowing their entire camp was on alert. “Watcher, ready your unicorns. When I yell, shoot a three second sustained burst of some kind of magic against the shield. Don’t worry about hitting me.”

Before he could answer, I took off running toward the shield, hoping to God I saw correctly where the ring landed. Thankfully, I was right. I grabbed it and yanked my gauntlet off, slipping the ring on and then replacing my glove. “RUN!” I yelled, and the fireworks began as I started sprinting across the field toward my group.

With the magic show hitting the shield, Shining Armor probably knew exactly where we were. If he didn’t, it was as obvious as Fluttershy’s crush on me to everyone else.

When I got to the troops, I very quickly said, “Dispel the veil, grab the prisoner, run like hell!” One earth pony secured the prisoner to another’s back and we hoofed it, easily seen in the flare that was shot into the sky, lighting up the entire field.

It blinded everyone enough that the pegasi that were already following us had to swoop up for fear of hitting the ground. Some of ours spread their wings, but I yelled, “DON’T GET BOGGED DOWN! RUN!” They closed their wings and kept going. I knew that if we got caught in the open field, we were fucked. A few of us might get picked off on the run back, but whoever stayed was definitely going down.

However, I didn’t have to follow my own rule. I stopped to make sure we weren’t leaving anyone behind and saw a three-pony squad getting harassed by a pegasus. I drew my sword and sprinted that way, killing the pegasus and freeing the group to run again. I played interference for a few other groups on the way in, managing to kill three pegasi and keep two more at bay until we made it into the forest.

And then the fun truly began…

I looked back and saw at least fifty troops running across the field at us, and heard a few horns blowing calls. I stopped just inside the forest and pulled my crossbow up, aiming it at a random unicorn. With a quick trigger pull, he went down. I reloaded and shot at another unicorn and somehow missed. Thankfully, the bolt managed to take out an earth pony instead. I knew I wouldn’t have time to reload and get another shot off, so I ran further into the forest before I stumbled upon a group of my troops bunkered down. I joined them, kneeling down and waiting for them to enter our killing zone.

It happened quickly. We let about twenty get into the forest proper before I called out, “KILL THEM ALL!” I jumped up, lifting my sword over my head and yelling a battle cry. All of Watcher’s group jumped up as well, joining my cry and charging the enemy.

I waded into the melee, trying not to get into any one-on-one fights and using my sword’s long reach when I did. Most of my work was taking out enemies that were fighting my troops.

And when Panzer’s group joined the fight, it turned from a fight into a bloodbath. Soon enough, enemies were running away instead of pursuing us.

When all was silent on the edge of the forest but ragged breathing, I slid my sword up. “Quick count, I need casualties!”

Watcher took one look around the group and said, “Four total lost, sir. I don’t know from what groups yet.”

“Good. Everyone, let’s get the hell away from here before they regroup. Grab any prisoners and let’s fucking go.”

They were very quick to comply with that order. I had us jogging or trotting through the forest less than a minute later. I grabbed one of the messengers while we were moving. “Go tell Midnight the mission was a success. I have no clue how many we killed, but we only lost four and the spy was planted.”

“Yes sir.” He lifted his wings and took off, getting above the branches and flying to home base. The rest of us continued running.

We made it to camp quickly enough. “Alright, five of you take those three prisoners to the captain. She’ll know what to do with them. Everyone else, take a breather. Watcher, you and your men replace Rain on the picket in three hours. I suggest you all get some rest.” They all broke off into smaller groups. Watcher approached me.

“Three of the missing ones are from my group. One’s from Panzer’s. If I had to say, we probably killed over thirty troops in the forest, though I have no idea how many the changeling got.”

“Thanks, Watcher. Sorry for your losses, but at least we took out a bunch.”

He nodded. “I know, sir. I’ve been in this business for a little while. I know how good the element of surprise is. Thankfully though, this is just a game.”

“Yep. You should get some rest, man. I think we’ll probably have a busy day tomorrow.”

“Yeah. A suggestion, if I may: Do not forget that we are not alone. Don’t run us all ragged trying to hog the glory. I know the princess is expecting a lot from you, but you are only as good as your troops.”

“I know. But this is probably going to piss Shiny off, and if he makes a mistake, I want to be able to exploit it. And that’s why I’m trying to make sure you all get plenty of rest. If you ever think I do start running the men too much, let me know immediately. I’ve never commanded this many for this long and I might not notice.”

“Yes sir. And while you remember us, do not forget about yourself.”

“Let me worry about me, Watcher.” The messenger I sent to Midnight did a fucking dive bomb landing next to me.

“Sir, the captain wants to see you right away.”

I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring before replacing the gauntlet. I slid the ring into a pouch and said, “Lead the way.” His wings shot out and I followed him into the air. We didn’t go too far, but it was far enough that I was happy to be flying. He led me to a hole in the ground. I could see a few troops watching us, but none said anything.

I looked down at the hole. Then back up at him. “Are you fucking with me?”

“No sir. She’s down there.”

I shrugged and jumped down the hole. I came face to face with Princess Luna. “Navarone.”

I nodded. “What’s up, Luna?”

“I am here to investigate allegations of cheating. Did you cheat, Navarone?”

I crossed my arms. “I want you to ask Shining Armor how he’s going to handle a battle against the griffins when they do something unexpected. Is he going to come crying to a princess about how the enemy cheated while his men get slaughtered around him?” I shook my head. “There is no cheating in war, Princess. There is victory or loss.”

Midnight stepped up. “He’s right, Princess. There are no official rules of this contest anyway. Cheating is impossible.”

“Oh I know,” Luna answered. “Which is why I am wondering why I am even wasting my time with this. What did you do, Navarone?”

“I sent Quisling into their base disguised as a sentry and had him kill almost all of the enemy’s officers except for Shining Armor, Fancy Pants, and one more. I then created a distraction and led thirty or forty of his troops straight into an ambush.”

She nodded. “I apologize for wasting your time, then. I will go and talk to Shining Armor.” Her horn lit up and she teleported away.

Midnight turned to me. “Did you tally up your losses yet?”

“Four. I don’t know what happened to Quisling, but I assume he successfully integrated. One of my group leaders believes we killed over thirty in the ambush, but none of us knows how successful Quisling was.”

“Well I wasn’t expecting to have to dip into estimates already… I’ll send out a revised number count once I deal with the prisoners.”

“Speaking of prisoners, what do you do with them?”

She shrugged. “They’ll be hidden away until the end of the game. If they were unicorns, I’d just quietly have them disposed of, since we don’t currently have the resources to imprison them. What other plans do you have?”

“As of right now, none. I’m going to give my troops some time off. We’ve already taken out more than our fair share of the enemy, so I’ll let them rest before we do anything major, unless something comes up.”

“Fair enough. If anything comes up, I’ll send word your way. For now, you’re dismissed.”

“See you later then, Captain.” She nodded as I pulled myself out of her bunker. My messenger was already gone. I shrugged and started walking back to base. Not like I really had any reason to hurry. It would probably take Shiny hours to figure out what happened and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was unable get his force organized at all without any officers.

In the meantime, I was expecting easy pickings from every patrol he sent out.

From the looks of things, my attack demoralized Shining Armor’s entire army. We had ponies in the woods watching them all that night and all the day, but not a single enemy troop left the shield.

Right as the sun was falling, I got another message from Midnight, a summons. I padded my way through the forest to her area. She was waiting outside of her hole in full armor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to explain it four more times. We’ll wait for the others.” I shrugged and kicked a spot clear on the ground before easing myself down. Thankfully, I took some time to clean my armor a few hours before I got summoned.

I don’t know how far away the other group leaders were, but it took fifteen minutes for them all to arrive. Midnight stood in front of us and looked us all over. “As a few of you might know, last night Navarone and his troops managed to kill off almost every single officer Shining Armor has. Shining, naturally, called this cheating and complained to the princess. Princess Luna was sent to find out what happened. Navarone explained himself and explained some facts of war. The princess accepted this and teleported to explain the situation to Shining Armor.” She grit her teeth for a moment before continuing, “Shining decided that if nothing constitutes cheating in this kind of battle, then capturing our princess might be a good idea.” There was some gasping, but she held up a hoof and it was silenced. “I was not informed of this until half an hour ago by a messenger from Princess Celestia. We are going to rectify this immediately, and when we do, we are going to get Princess Luna to fight with us, because she was forced into the conflict. Navarone, do you still have a way to get inside of Shining Armor’s shield?”

I nodded. “It only works for one or maybe two people at a time, if they move right.”

She nodded and looked around. “Freeing Princess Luna is now top priority. And it seems that, to Shining Armor, keeping her imprisoned is his top priority. None of our scouts report much movement in his camp. Suggestions to get her out?”

I lifted my hand immediately. She nodded at me. “Do we have any unicorns capable of casting an invisibility field for fifteen minutes?”

“Not in my group. Anypony else?”

One of the group leaders nodded. “We have somepony that can. She can project a small field, maybe two meters in every direction.”

“That’s enough,” I said. “I can use her to sneak in and bust Luna out. She can get us out or we can just say fuck it and go on a full rampage in the middle of their base. With Luna on our side, I imagine we could probably take out a good three hundred of them.”

Midnight shook her head. “No. Rescue Princess Luna and use her to assassinate Shining Armor. I will not have a repeat of this incident. If Quisling is still impersonating one of their officers, we should have no problem either getting them to surrender immediately or be much easier to beat.”

I nodded. “If Luna gives me different orders, I’ll have to obey her, but otherwise that’s what we’ll do.”

She looked over to the other group leader. “Get your unicorn to Navarone’s group. She’ll be under his command for now. He’s the only one with any real losses so far anyway. Everypony else, be ready to move your groups to the edge of the forest. When Nav makes his move, we might be charging the enemy base.”

They all nodded and departed. I pulled myself to my feet and walked back to my group, calling my three group leaders over.

“We got a problem,” I said. “Don’t tell any of the troops this yet, but Shining Armor captured Luna. Don’t ask how and don’t ask why. I’m going to be getting her back soon, or at least I’m going to attempt to.”

“Which group are you taking?” Steel asked.

“None. It’ll just be me and a single unicorn. Watcher, we’ll both need to be muffled before we get out of the forest.”

He nodded. “I volunteer to be the single unicorn,” he said.

I shook my head. “Unless you can project an invisibility field and hold it up for a good while, no. This is going to be raw stealth.”

He sighed. “I think we only have one or two unicorns that strong. None in my group, either.”

“Yeah. She’ll be here soon. We’ll still need the muffle spell, though.”

“Very well. You shall have it. And you’ll have another spell of my making to help darken your path, on the off chance you do get seen.”

“I won’t say no to that.”

“Good. I’ll need every unicorn in this group to pull it off, though.”

I looked at the other two. “Thoughts?” They both nodded. “You have your unicorns. Have them ready when the mare gets here.” He went off to go get together the people he needed. “You two have all the other troops ready to march with us. The captain wants everyone on the forest’s edge in case Luna goes avenging angel and we need to help her.” And me, of course.

They both went off to gather everyone else. That left me with Sunshine Smiles breathing down my neck, asking, “What’s going on?”

“Big things. Join Panzer’s group. She lost a pegasus last night.”

“Sir, you’re breaking into the enemy’s base. I want to help!”

“Help by staying back. That’s an order, Smiles. I don’t need to risk three people bumbling about in that place. Two is risky enough.”

“…Would it help if I said please?”

“It would not.” He sighed, hung his head, and turned around to go. A few paces after he started walking away, he turned and tried giving me puppy dog eyes. As soon as I saw that, I turned around and walked away.

And bumped into a tiny unicorn. “Pardon me,” I said. “Are you the mare I’m waiting for?”

“Yes sir.” I looked her up and down. I swear she was about the same size as Sweetie Belle. “Trooper Dew, at your service.”

“…Right. You’re the invisibility expert?” She nodded. “Okay, this is how it’s going to work: You and I are going to be hit with a muffle spell, which removes our ability to make any sound at all. You will then cast your invisibility field and I will lead you by the horn to their base. Follow me exactly and be very careful about any enemy soldier. When we get to their base, I am going to slip something onto your horn and we’re going to walk through the shield together. When we do that, we are going to go visible for a very short amount of time, so we have to be quick. We are then going to search the enemy base for Princess Luna. When I go to let her out, I’m going to become visible again for just long enough to get her free. We might get new orders from her. If we do not, we will move on to kill Shining Armor. Questions?”

“When do we leave?”

I grinned, liking that answer. “As soon as my group’s ready to move.” I looked around me and saw them all in a formation. “Which means now. Everyone, to the edge of the forest! Double time, now!” We all began jogging to the edge, not worrying about scouts or flankers. We made good time, and were soon spread out along the edge, looking at the bubble. Dew and Watcher were next to me, one on either side. “Whenever you’re ready, Watcher.” His horn lit up and I felt a cool embrace around me. I slammed my gauntleted fists together and made no sound. I thought of something really quickly and took my gauntlets off, leaving them on Watcher’s back; I needed quick access to my fingers.

“I’ll watch them for you, Sir Navarone,” he said. “Now, for my little surprise. Unicorns, focus your power on me!” Several horns lit up all around us and I saw a few beams hitting Watcher. His horn lit up very brightly and then pulsed dark black as a wave of black fog drifted from his horn, slowly blanketing the grassland.

That is fucking awesome.

Flo whispered, “And dangerous. Be careful with the unicorn you are guiding, Navarone. There is something wrong with that fog.”

I gripped the mare by the horn and nodded at her. It lit up and we vanished from view. I began walking through the fog toward where I last saw the bubble, hoping I would be able to get there in the extra darkness given by the fog.

I set a brisk pace, fast enough to cover ground but not so fast that the short unicorn couldn’t follow. She followed easily enough, and soon, we were at the edge of the bubble. I pulled us as close as I could without actually touching it, pulled out my ring, put it to the tip of her horn and put it halfway on my finger while partially on her horn. We both went visible and I quickly pulled us through the shield. As soon as we were inside, I pulled the ring away from both of us and we became invisible again. I stopped and looked around, making sure no one had seen us.

Thankfully, the pickets seemed more concerned with the black fog than with two people suddenly appearing right inside the border of their base. I began leading Dew into their abode, skirting around the worried looking sentries. Not so thankfully, I had completely forgotten that putting the ring on would turn off the muffle spell. Still, the guards were too lax; they knew something was about to happen, but they had no idea what. We were able to sneak around them silently and easily even without the muffle effect.

It didn’t take us long to find Princess Luna. She was looking very enraged and was surrounded by a full fifteen troops.

Welp. Flashbang time?

Flo said, “Throw it away from them, because if it blinds Luna, it would be hard to get her to move.” I nodded, reached into my cloak, and pulled out a flashbang. I pulled the pin and lobbed it out of the field before moving my hand from Dew’s horn to her eyes, covering them as I looked away.

A second later, it went off with a horribly loud bang. The officer in charge of guarding Luna yelled, “Guards, investigate! I will watch her myself.” They didn’t hesitate an instant, all running off to see what the disturbance was. The officer quietly said, “Hurry! That won’t distract them long!”

I pulled Dew up past Quisling and put my ring on, pushing my hand through Luna’s barrier. I let my ring slip off my hand onto her horn and had the unique experience of having my hand thrown backwards at a terrifying rate, pushing me onto my ass just inside the invisibility field.

Luna, of course, was free. She removed herself from the bubble shield she was in as I stood up and walked over to remove the ring around her horn. “Navarone, I want you to go find Shining Armor and tear his throat out with your fangs.”

“My pleasure. Dew, you ready?”

She was breathing pretty heavily. “I… need a moment or two, sir.” I nodded.

Luna looked over to the officer and said, “Quisling, I believe that after this your cover will be blown. I leave it up to you on whether to stay or leave.”

“I’ll stay, princess.” She nodded once.

“Navarone, when the deed is done, return here and I will teleport us away from camp.”

“Awesome. Dew, you ready?” She nodded. I pulled her away from Luna, who cast another veil of invisibility on herself, hiding from view. I led my little unicorn over to where I threw the flashbang, since I heard a lot of yelling over there.

And that is where I saw Shining Armor tearing into the troops for leaving Luna almost unguarded. I let go of Dew, tightly gripped my ring so that it was ready to slip on, and sprinted away from her. I jumped onto the guard in front of me, using my wings to propel me up and over him and the others right into Shining Armor. His face dropped as soon as he saw me and his horn lit up. I had pushed my ring on as soon as I used my wings, though, so I managed to slam into him with no problems. With my force and his surprise, he ended up on his back with me on his stomach.

I immediately turned my head sideways and bit into his throat before tearing up and out with as much force as I could. He almost immediately disappeared and I jumped up, pulling out my sword and a knife and facing down the troops.

They were all staring at me with complete shock on their face. My face was actually dripping blood that I got from piercing his throat or something.

I took one step toward them and they all bolted.

Of course, there was even more bedlam than that in the camp right now, given that the shield was now down and the black fog began seeping in. My little murder did have quite a nice effect.

I pulled my ring off and ran over to where I left Dew. I almost tripped over her, but she pushed a hoof out to steady me and I caught myself. I grabbed her horn and started walking back to where we left Luna. Quisling was gone. I couldn’t see Luna, but I was hoping she was still there. “Dew, make us visible.” We reappeared from thin air. Luna appeared a moment later, before all three of us teleported back to the forest.

“Thank you again, Navarone and Dew. That was not very wise of Shining Armor.”

I shrugged. “But why didn’t we destroy their camp while we were there? I figured you could have done it.”

“Oh I could have. And had this been an actual war, I would have. However, I want to see what the day guards will attempt to do now that they have been demoralized and almost completely beheaded. And with Quisling there as one of the only officers… This will be quite interesting.”

“So what will you do?”

“It is fully within my place to stay here and aid in the war effort. Any noncombatant that is pulled into combat on either side has every right to join whichever side they wish, or no side at all. However, I will return to Canterlot. If you need my aid to win this battle now, there is a problem.”

“Very well. I might just dictate orders from the back and let my officers do the job for me, since we’re probably going to win either way. It will be good experience for them.”

“Do as you would, Navarone. I will see you shortly.” She teleported away before more could be said.

“Thanks for the help, Dew. Shall we go look for our regiment?”

“Sir, I’m really tired… That spell took a lot out of me.”

“I see. Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I stretched my wings and flew through the tree branches so I could get a fix on where we were. I saw the edge of the forest and the black fog a few hundred yards away. I landed next to Dew, who looked about ready to collapse. I reached under her and gently picked her up, thanking the naga for making me work out so much. “Come on, Dew. I’ll get you back to your platoon.”

“Thank you, sir.” I started walking toward the edge of the forest. We made it quickly enough and I found a group of troops I could leave little Dew with. I set her down with them and got directions to the command group. I flew over to them and saw a few officers arguing.

Midnight looked over when she saw me. “Navarone, how did the mission go?” The arguing died off as everyone turned to me.

“Well. Luna is safe, Shining Armor is dead, and the enemy is or was in panic mode. Luna decided to return to Canterlot, saying that we could handle this without her.”

“…Why is your mouth bloody?”

I grinned a toothy smile. “Luna had a request for how I deal with Shining Armor.”

I heard Steel Rain say, “That is awesome.”

Midnight shrugged. “Whatever works. Do you have any suggestions on what to do now?”

I nodded out to the fog. “The enemy is in that mess and in complete disarray. If we charge into it, we might be able to catch them by surprise and finish this quickly. We would have losses, but the enemy is demoralized, terrified, and they know something bad is going to happen. If we wait, Fancy Pants might take control and continue the games. He could attempt to build an actual temporary fort with palisades and all that. Either way, he could turn this into a defensive game and then we could be here for who knows how long. Or he might go raw offensive, thinking that’s his only way to win. My suggestion is take them out now, while we know we have the upper hand. We might take more casualties this way, but victory is almost definitely assured.”

“I do not like casualties, Navarone. I want this victory to be as one-sided as possible.”

“Then let’s get everyone loaded up onto chariots, fly over the enemies, dispel the fog, and then shoot magic onto them. Then we can go back to the forest and wait to see what happens, or we can charge them.”

She nodded. “Anypony else have any ideas?”

One officer held up a hoof. “We’ll need to make sure any pegasus resistance is minimized if we do that. We’ll need to make sure we have ponies guarding the chariots.”

I nodded. “Just like World War II. Chariots are bombers and pegasi are fighter pilots. He’s right.”

Midnight nodded. “Everypony, send pegasi to get your chariots and get them here. Navarone, your pegasi will be the guards since it is your unicorns that are charging the fog. When we get everypony into the air, have the fog shut down.” All the group leaders nodded and ran off to do their thing.

I turned to Steel Rain. “You’re in charge of the pegasi guarding the chariots. Make sure they stay safe. Hopefully you won’t get much resistance. If you do, stay with the chariots. Don’t fall for a feint.”

“Yes sir. We won’t let you down.”

He ran off to find our troops. “Panzer, make sure Watcher and his unicorns stay safe. I don’t expect any of the enemy to make a run for the forest, but if they do, I want you to put them down before they find our tired unicorns.”

“We’ll keep them safe, sir.” She ran off to organize them.

I turned to find Midnight watching me. She said, “I thought you weren’t a soldier before.”

“I’m not. I just know some history and I have common sense. Or at least, I have what is for humans common sense. Winning a battle against prey animals isn’t that hard, no offense.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t be. Are you going to be joining the attack?”

“Nah. I want to see what my officers can do.”

“In that case, I’ll leave you in charge of all the earth ponies we’re forced to leave behind. If you think the enemy is breaking or broken, I want you to lead them in a charge. I’m like you; I want this to end tonight if possible.”

“Then I’ll do my best to make that happen. I assume you’re going with the attack?”

She nodded. “I’ll join the guards around them, just in case.”

“Hey, if you want the glory of the final charge, I can go with the unicorns instead. It’s past time you saw some action.”

“I would like that, Nav. I do not think the enemy’s pegasi will be doing much. In that case, you are in charge of the attack. I will charge if I think it is a good time. If I do charge, feel free to send your pegasi down to the ground to attack enemy unicorns. I’m going to have almost nothing but earth ponies, so we’ll need some way to even it out.”

“You got it. See you when it’s all over, then.” I spread my wings and flew off to where my group was to meet up with the pegasi. I landed right next to Steel Rain.

“Extra orders, sir?”

“Nope. The captain wants me to go as extra muscle. You’re still in charge, though. I’ll just be flying with you.”

“Yes sir. You’re welcome here, that’s for sure.” And thus began the wait. Thankfully, it wasn’t a long one and the chariots quickly joined us. Unicorns started loading up right on the edge of the fog. When they started taking off, Rain said, “That’s our cue! Into the air and follow them! Stay on the chariots, everypony.”

I guess that doesn’t apply to me. I spread my wings out and followed the group into the air and we began trailing behind the chariots.

The fog slowly seeped into the ground, leaving the ground clear of obstruction and showing us the enemy spread out among the grassland. There were a few pockets of troops that were standing in circles with their backs to the center, presumably being careful to watch on all sides in case anything showed up in the fog. Guess it’s a good thing we didn’t charge.

Their odd formations made it rather easy for the unicorns to send down all manner of destructive magic on them, though. The casualties very quickly racked up. I saw a few of their unicorns trying to fire off spells at us, but since we were all moving, it was much harder. Some pegasi also tried coming at us, but Rain’s group kept them well clear of the chariots.

Soon, the moderately disarrayed enemy was extremely disarrayed. Magic shots lit up the night as they flew down at them and up at us.

We were doing extremely well when one of the enemy unicorns got lucky and managed to clip one of my wings, sending me spiraling to the ground. I fell twenty feet before painfully landing in a chariot.

“I got you, sir,” the unicorn said, steadying me.

“That fucking hurt,” I groaned, pulling myself to my feet. “How’s the battle look, soldier?”

“Good, sir. They don’t know what hit them.”

“Excellent.” I pulled my crossbow up and loaded it, taking a shot at a unicorn and removing him from the game. “Let’s continue hurting them, shall we?”

“Yes sir!” His horn lit up and he went back to it. He shot magic, I shot bolts, and the enemy died.

About three minutes after I unexpectedly joined the ranged battle, I heard a thundering sound getting closer to our location. I looked out toward the woods and saw about a hundred and seventy earth ponies charging the enemy, Midnight Blossom at their head with a feral grin on her face. There were five griffins flying above them, looking like they were just waiting for a pony to rend. I had no idea how many enemies there were left, but they were probably broken enough to easily take out.

I would fly down and join the melee attack, but with one useless wing, I couldn’t. I could, however, get my chariot down low enough that I could jump out. “PEGASI, TAKE US LOW!”

One of the pullers gave me a ‘you what mate’ look. I pointed down. He shrugged and started angling to the ground, forcing the other with him. When we were finally about five feet from the grassland, I jumped out, using an enemy earth pony to break my fall.

I slammed a dagger into his surprised back and sent him away just as the friendly troops hit the first group of enemies. I slid my ring on before jumping to my feet and drawing my sword, striking down another enemy before he even realized that his friend was gone.

That’s when the fun began. I was in a few large battles with the slaves, but I was usually doing my best to avoid getting hit and avoid the fight more than killing the enemy. This time, I was actually trying to kill.

For those of you that have never experienced killing anything bigger than a bug, know that it gives you a rush unlike any other. I admit that I don’t much like putting myself in danger, but in a game like this where there’s no chance of actually getting hurt? I was having the time of my life, using what the naga taught me to lay into the terrified ponies around me.

I was fighting like a madman, throwing my blade to and fro and killing anything that got within range. Flo was whispering in my mind to tell me whenever she heard an enemy trying to get behind me.

Now I’ll admit, normally if I went one-on-one with any of these soldiers, they would probably kill me. But at night, while they were scared out of their minds and seeing enemies everywhere they looked, I was a god of battle, a whirling dervish of death and horror.

I actually stayed a few steps ahead of the main body of friendly troops so I didn’t accidentally hit any of them. Because of that, I was the first one to find their last line of resistance.

Fancy Pants stood ahead of me, decked out in bright gold-colored armor. Behind him stood rank after rank of day guards, a mix of all three flavors. Behind me stood rows of disorderly night guards, all rearing for a fight. We had gotten plenty of sleep. They had not, from the looks of things. A number of enemies had bags under their eyes, though they still seemed ready for a fight.

We stood off against them, my soldiers forming up behind me. They didn’t bother with ranks, though they probably could have if they so chose.

Even the chariots landed down on our lines, the unicorns jumping out.

Fancy Pants took a few steps forward, his men not moving. I walked up to him. “Ah, Navarone. It’s good to see you again, though I wish it was under more pleasant circumstances.”

I shrugged. “Eh, you know how it is.”

“Hm, indeed. You have a little something…” He pointed at his chin.

I rubbed my bare hand across it, my gauntlets still with Watcher. “Yeah, Princess Luna had a request for how I took down Shining Armor. She wanted me to bite his throat out.”

“Nasty bit of business, that. Me and the other officer, whatever his name is, tried to get the captain to release her, but he would hear none of it. I suppose it came back to bite him.”

We both grinned at the pun. “Yeah. I don’t suppose you and your men are ready to surrender? It would save everyone some casualties, and don’t think you’re going to win. If I had to guess, I’d say you have less than a hundred troops behind you. I have over three hundred with me. Both sides are tired. Let’s just call it, shall we?”

“I’m afraid that it isn’t that simple. I can’t as a knight in good standing surrender without at least making an attempt to fight back. A deal, if you would?” I know where this is going. “We duel. If you win, my troops surrender. If I win, we fight to the death. Is that fair?”

“It’s really not. You know your men are going to lose no matter the case. Why drag them to their graves? If you just want to duel me, we can have a friendly bout later, with no risk to your men.”

He looked around the battlefield. “Navarone, this is a friendly bout. Nopony will die here.”

“Yes, but we’re supposed to pretend this is a real war. Why care about honor and dueling when you can make sure your men go home to see their families? If I lose, they die, as do more of my troops. There’s no reason other than a last stand to do that, and I know that ponies do not have the emotion of spite.”

“Correct. We do, however, have honor.”

“Then do the honorable thing and surrender so that you and your men might live and go home.”

He sighed, kicking a hoof onto the ground. “You have a silver tongue, Navarone. I know it has to get you in trouble with the mares.” He turned his head to his men. “STAND DOWN!” There were looks of shock etched into all of their faces as he turned back to me. “We surrender, Navarone. But I want that sparring bout you promised me.”

I put my sword and dagger away. “You’ll have it.” I looked behind me and waved Midnight forward. She came trotting up to me. “He and his men surrender.”

“Unbelievable…” she whispered. “Very well. Sir Fancy Pants, I accept your surrender. You and your troops will be treated with honor, as prisoners should be.” There was silence for a moment. “Well, I suppose the games are over.”

He sighed and nodded. “Indeed they are, Miss Blossom. Princess Celestia is going to be disappointed, I believe. Shall we begin loading up the chariots, then?”

“Yes, have your remaining troops load up. If you need any assistance with getting excess chariots back, let us know. We might have enough spare pegasi to pull some,” Midnight said.

“I’ll leave that up to my remaining officer,” he said, waving forward Quisling.

“That’s actually a changeling working for us,” I said as Quisling joined us.

“Well. I suppose I will see you in a few minutes, Sir Navarone. I would like to talk to you, if you would have me on your chariot.”

I shrugged. “Sure. Go take care of your business. We’ll be over here, I suppose.” He rejoined his rather depressed troops and we went back to our joyful ones.

When we were right in front of the lines, Midnight stopped and called out in a voice that carried, “Victory is ours, everypony.” There was some happy cheering and all that. You know, the usual. Eventually, Midnight started calling for silence. “Now, we need to get all the chariots and troops over here. We also need to pick up the prisoners we had and get them back. Everypony, you know your jobs. Get to it.”

Most of the pegasi jumped into the air, flying around to get either chariots or the troops we left in the woods, not that there were many. Steel Rain landed next to me. “Any last orders, sir?”

“Make sure Watcher and Panzer get out here. I don’t want to leave them behind. And make sure we get our chariots back as well.”

“Yes sir.” He saluted and flew over to his group of pegasi.

I walked over to Quisling. “My knife?” I said.

He pulled something out of his armor as he melted back to his normal disguise. “That is an excellent knife, sir. Where did you get it?”

“The naga. They make very good weapons.”

“That they do, sir… Also, do you mind if I eat some more? It’s not always easy for me to find food in Canterlot.”

“Go ahead.” I knelt down and let him into my mind. He hummed something as he fed.

Eventually, he pulled away. “Thank you, sir.”

“No problem. Rejoin your normal unit, Quisling.” He saluted and trotted off.

I looked around the empty area and saw Fancy Pants talking to Midnight. I assumed it was about appropriating pegasi, and when Midnight nodded a few of them over to the day guards, I was proven right. Fancy Pants nodded a thanks and started wearily walking to me. I met him halfway.

“I am not as young as I used to be,” he sighed, stretching. “Not getting much sleep last night and none this night is taking its toll on me.”

“Imagine how they feel,” I said, nodding at his troops. “Some of them saw me use my teeth to tear out their commander’s throat. I imagine their morale is going to be quite low for a while.”

He nodded. “Yes, this wasn’t exactly our best moment. Celestia will have some words for both me and Shining Armor when we see her again.”

“Hey, if she gets mad, just tell her to chillax. And then scratch at her ears or rub her belly. She loves that.”

“It disturbs me that you know that, but honestly, I am no longer surprised by anything you do.”

One of the chariots pulled up in front of me and we both got on. “So what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I got as comfortable as I could on the contraption. I quickly found my gauntlets there, presumably left by Watcher.

“I assumed you would be interested in what was happening in our camp during the game.” The chariot slowly took off and thus began our trek back to Canterlot.

“Yeah. What was Shiny up to?”

“Before I continue, I want it known that I do not think Shining Armor is as useless a commander as this exercise made him out to be. He is under a lot of stress with his wife’s attempted assassination, after all. And he did have a number of surprises planned for you that he didn’t get to use.”

“Right.”

“Yes. Well, the first indication that I knew this was going to be a short game was when two troopers sprinted back to base screaming and raving about night troops falling from the sky and the murderous monkey that was eating a guard that turned into a zombie.” He chuckled. “That was a surprise, let me tell you. And Shining Armor was not pleased at losing so many troops so quickly into the game, including his most talented scouting officer. He decided to take the rest of the day off to let the panic simmer down from what the two returning troopers had said and reported. Of course, that night is when you struck. I have to say, if you had chosen to go after Shining Armor, this game would have turned out very differently. He was waiting for you, Navarone. And I mean you personally. When you did not arrive and the screams started, he knew you had out-planned him by going after another target. So he rushed out, expecting to find you running through camp causing chaos. Imagine his surprise when he saw nothing but a cloud of extremely painful gas.”

I nodded. “Tear gas. Used for crowd suppression.”

“Whatever it was, it caused a panic among the troops. Some of them heard you yelling from one side of the camp and a number of troops automatically started charging that way. Shining Armor was expecting their officers to tell them to halt. He didn’t realize yet just what you had done. When he did, he galloped to the order-callers and had them blow the trumpets for ‘hold your position.’ Most of the troops continued charging, following you across the field. And then you hit them with that marvelous ambush. It took us an hour to pick up just what had happened, though we didn’t know you planted a spy. When Shining Armor found out that you had killed almost all of his officers and used an actually dangerous weapon, he reported your actions to the princess. Princess Luna sided with you and assured us that Princess Celestia would do the same when she woke up. So Shining Armor decided it would be a smart idea, since there were no rules in war, to capture your leader and hold her over you.”

“Bad idea,” I said with a smile.

“Very. He ordered all of his troops to stay in camp while he did his best to reorganize everypony under the commands of the two officers he had left, me and your spy. And then night fell.”

I grinned. “And Celestia told us that you had our princess. The end for you.”

“Indeed. Once again, this was not our finest moment. I believe that might have something to do with you, though.”

“Yep. I have a ring that makes me immune to magic, meaning I was able to slip through Shiny’s shield. All of the troopers were too dependent on it, so they didn’t even see us as we broke in. I had a number of other dirty plans, if this game had continued to run on. Hell, I almost wanted it to.”

He nodded. “And so did I, so that I might have fought against you. But this might be for the best.”

“Eh, maybe. It just means I get to use my plans later instead.”

“And I look forward to the fight next year, if I am to be used as Celestia’s knight.” Not that I would be there, of course.

Well, that brought in the awkward silence. “So how’s the wife?” I eventually asked.

“Expensive, as always. I knew what I was getting into when I married her, so I can’t complain. Still, I wish she wasn’t as blatantly obvious with her boy toys. It makes me look bad that I don’t care about her behavior.”

“…You knew about that?”

“Of course I knew. You don’t think an older stallion like myself expected to keep her satisfied, do you? Once again, I knew what I was getting into when I married her.” He barked a laugh. “I’ve only heard of two young stallions that ever denied her, and she trumped up charges to get one arrested. I heard he did a few… heh, favors for the princess and got freed.” Holy shit, Rarity actually went with my excuse. “She is a troublemaker, but she can be fun and she definitely has her uses.” Uses that I don’t want to think about. “What of you, Nav? Do you have a special somepony yet?”

“Nope. After a few bad encounters, I think I’m done with mares. I’m looking at other races, now.”

“A shame, but I don’t suppose it is my loss.”

Man, I don’t feel like writing small talk. It’s called small for a reason. We kept up a light conversation the rest of the way back to Canterlot. We landed, shook hands/hooves, and he left to see Celestia while I left to look for Luna. Since Celestia was probably asleep, I imagine he had a longer wait than I did.

As it was, Midnight and I got to Luna’s throne room at the same time. I graciously held the door open for her and followed her in. We walked up to Luna’s dais. Blossom bowed and I nodded.

Luna was grinning. “You both did wonderfully. Defeating Celestia’s entire army with just over twenty casualties… That is a record. And all in two days, yet another record.” She nodded. “You succeeded in what I told you to, Navarone. You definitely embarrassed Shining Armor.”

Blossom jerked back. “I thought the goal was to win, Princess. Not just… embarrass Shining Armor.”

“Your goal was to win, Captain,” Luna said, nodding. “Navarone’s goal from me was to embarrass Shining Armor.”

“That… is unorthodox, Princess,” Blossom tactfully said.

“Yes, it is. If you require nothing else, Captain, would you mind leaving me and my knight alone? I have words for him.”

Captain Midnight saluted and turned to go. She grabbed my arm and pulled me down to whisper, “Party in the Shady Trough as soon as you get free.” She let me go and left. The Shady Trough was the bar the night guards had. It sounded like it might be fun.

Of course, her leaving meant I was alone with Luna. She grinned down at me from her throne. “How shall I celebrate this glorious victory with my favorite knight?” she mused, stepping down from the dais and walking over to me.

“I can think of a few things.”

“Ohhh? And what might those things be?”

“You sitting back down and me leaving.”

That definitely stunned her. She gave me a confused look. “What?”

“That’s the reward I want. Me leaving the castle. Or a few thousand bits, whichever.”

“…You don’t want something we’d both enjoy?”

“Not really. I’ll see you later, Luna.” I turned and walked out, leaving her very confused form standing there in front of the throne.

I went straight to the bar and had fun with my troops. It was awesome.

Chapter Seventy-One—Getting better at that pranking thing

Chapter Seventy-One—Getting better at that pranking thing

When I got back home the next morning, I was in dire need of a shower. I landed and stood in front of the door for a moment, stretching my aching back. It was not happy about me being in armor for so long. I let myself in and found Shining Armor heading to the door.

He barely spared me a glance before pushing past me to get outside. I closed the door behind him and continued inside, stripping my armor off as I walked in and casually tossing it on the floor to be picked up whenever I felt like it.

Fuck yeah, home ownership. No more Twilight telling me not to leave shit lying around.

I found Cadance in the kitchen, looking rather depressed. The puppy was with her and seemed to be trying to cheer her up or something. Cadance jumped back and let out a startled sound when she saw me. The puppy seemed to grin and walked over to me, jumping up onto one of my legs.

“What?” I asked as I patted the dog’s head.

“Your… your face…” She shook her head quickly. “Sorry, I’m just not used to seeing you looking like a night soldier.” Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I left before I could get Luna to turn me back. “What did you do to Shiny?”

“You know, the usual. Just embarrassed him by beating him with around twenty casualties. I also tore out his throat in front of his troops.” I was walking over to the fridge to see if there was anything to eat while I was saying that, the wolf trailing behind me. “I gotta say, that was an easy fight.”

“I can never tell when you’re being serious…”

I pulled my head out of the fridge after finding nothing readily edible. “Oh yeah, he went down with almost no fight at all.” I closed the fridge and leaned back on it. “The game actually ended last night after he was stupid enough to capture Princess Luna. She was not amused. Of course, by that point, I had already snuck into his camp and killed off most of his officers and planted a changeling spy, so the game was over anyway.”

“I see.” She didn’t sound all that amused. I wasn’t surprised, since she was the princess of love or whatever and it was her husband that I was talking about humiliating.

“Anything cool happen here?”

“Not really, no. Can we talk about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?”

“No, we can’t. I’m going to go take a shower. I don’t imagine I smell pleasant.” I started to walk out, but she stepped in front of me. I crossed my arms. “Look, I know this love shit is your job. But I suggest you back the fuck away from my life. I know what I’m doing.”

“You obviously don’t, if you can’t see what’s right in front of your face!”

“What, you mean Fluttershy’s crush on me? I’m not blind. I thought I had already dealt with it, but it came back. It won’t be a problem for much longer. Now stand aside.”

“I will when you explain why it won’t be a problem for much longer.”

I shrugged, turned around, and walked over to the back door that was thankfully connected to the kitchen. She teleported over there and I spun and sprinted out the door to the hallway before she could recover.

Of course, I wasn’t wearing my ring, so I got as far as to the staircase before she grabbed me with magic. “That’s cheating!” The puppy whined, sensing my unpleased mood.

“Playing fair is reserved for when I’m playing, Navarone,” she answered as she dragged me back to the kitchen. “Something you apparently know much about, if what Shining Armor said is true. So what did you mean by it not being a problem? Are you and Rainbow Dash going to start dating or something?”

“Dash is a lesbian, so no. If I tell you this, you have to swear to tell no one else either directly or indirectly.”

“Nav, I would never tell anypony your secrets.”

“That is not a swear, Cadance.”

She rolled her eyes. “You sound just like Celestia. Fine, I swear.”

“I’m leaving Equestria in less than a year and I might not ever come back.”

And there’s the gasp. But she actually took a moment to consider it before nodding and saying, “I suppose I understand. But why can’t I tell anypony?”

“Because if anyone knows, they’ll try to get me to stay and that would just get annoying. I will leave. The only thing that isn’t decided yet is if I come back. Now put me down. I need a shower.”

“Not just yet. What about Fluttershy? You know she has feelings for you. Why would you throw that away, even after what you’ve been through?”

“Just because she feels for me doesn’t mean I do for her. Besides, I think the only reason she wants me is because she sees me and thinks I’m hurt and wants to help heal me. That isn’t the kind of relationship I want to be in.”

She put me down. “I’ll talk to her and try to dissuade her from you, then. Maybe I can spare at least one heart from you.”

I nodded. “Thank you. I do not handle these things well.” Understatement of the year. “I’m going to go take a shower. If you ever find out that anyone else has a crush on me, please do your best to extinguish it.”

She sighed, looking away. “Navarone, I want to foster love, not kill it. I do this because you are my friend and because I don’t want to hurt Fluttershy. I will try not to make a habit of it.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. I’m gonna go take a shower.”

She mumbled, “Why do I put up with this?” as I walked back out. That’s a fair question, honestly. Thankfully, the dog didn’t try to follow me out. I assumed he knew what a shower was.

When I got out of the shower and back downstairs, I found that all of the armor I had so carefully strewn about was gone. Before I could ask where it went, the naga entered the house, slamming the door shut. When he saw me, he grinned.

“Human, I need your assistance with something.”

“What with?”

He held up a bouquet of lightly photoluminescent flowers that seemed somewhat wilted. “I have an admirer that I need to get rid of.”

“Dude, it’s a giant fucking squid. Just stay away from the lake, problem solved.”

He scowled. “Human, that thing is evil. I caught it trying to sneak into the fortress today. I quickly had the gate shut before it could get in. It threw these over the wall.” He dropped the flowers to the floor in disgust.

I was still trying to take that in. “It… walked here? Are you sure you aren’t still drunk?”

“The bug saw it as well.”

“Huh. Did you try telling it that you weren’t interested?”

“…I did not. I assumed running away from it and slamming the gate in its face would be enough.”

“Well, let’s go tell him, then. I’ll stand back so if he goes crazy and drags you to the bottom to rape you, I won’t get caught.”

“Yes, that makes me feel so much better.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a naga try sarcasm. “Maybe if I tell it that I am married with children, it will leave me alone.”

I shook my head. “No. Tell it that you aren’t interested at all. Don’t mention your wife or kids. If it’s smart, it might think that you aren’t interested because of your wife and kids, and that he needs to get you away from them.”

He groaned. “Relationships outside of the clan are so strange. Do things like this actually happen?”

“Don’t know. Let’s just go before Cadance shows up and uses her magic to send it straight to shit.”

He looked behind me down the hall to the kitchen. I turned that way and saw shadows looming ominously. “That would be a good idea, human.” He led the way to the gate that was still closed. Instead of getting it opened, he pulled himself up to a tall height, turned his tail in a corkscrew, and propelled himself over the wall in what was probably one of the most terrifying things I had seen in a while.

I flew over the wall and followed him as he slithered toward the lake. “Cain, if this does not work, we are going to be eating squid tonight.”

“I never was a fan of calamari…”

“I have never had it.” I wouldn’t be so sure about that. “It looks disgusting and rubbery, but I would not let it go to waste.”

“Well, here’s hoping it doesn’t come to that. I for one don’t want to eat that shit.”

And we were about at the moment of truth, now; we could see the lake where we were. “Are you sure about this?” he asked as we stopped.

“Absolutely.” Not at all. “If he drags you in, I’ll be sure to go and get help.”

“Your bravery brings tears to my eyes. I will be back soon, Cain. Either with this squid’s head or alone.”

I crossed my arms and settled in to wait while the naga inched toward the lake. Soon enough, he was standing right in front of it. I saw a dark blemish in the water before the squid surfaced. Its eyes widened when it saw the naga and all of its legs that were above water spread apart, presumably for a hug.

I couldn’t hear what the naga was saying, but it looked like it was having an effect on the squid. Soon, its legs were pulled back in and I could tell it was quivering. Two of the legs went to its eyes and I saw crocodile tears begin to fall into the lake. After a few more words were said at it, the naga turned around and quickly moved back my way. I could hear distraught noises coming from the squid and it bawled its eyes out.

“Let’s go, Cain,” the naga quietly said. “Quickly. I do not want to be seen near this thing.”

I was looking back at it. “Shit dude, you broke its heart.”

“I do not care. Let us go.” I shrugged and began following him back home.

“So what did you tell it, anyway?”

“I called it a hideous beast and that if I ever saw it again, I would murder it.”

“…Huh.” Well, at least there’s someone out there that cares less about hurting people than I do.

“You do not sound like you approve, Cain.”

“Oh, it got the job done. But it was needlessly mean. You could have at least tried being nicer.”

“I will remember that the next time I wake up coiled with a monster. Since I am never touching alcohol again, I do not think that will be a problem.”

“Well, whatever.” Not like it mattered. I mean, even if the squid did try to attack my house, I’m pretty sure we could take him down. Still, I imagined that it was lonely in that lake.

“So why are your wings different?”

“I just got back from a competition. I was helping the night guards, and I needed to match. I forgot to get turned back before I left.”

“I assume you won?”

“Completely dominated. With the mix of your training and my human knowledge, the enemy fell quickly. The games usually last a week or longer. I ended them in two days.”

“It is good to see what I am teaching you is working, though I am hardly close to finished. I will make a naga warrior out of you if it kills you.”

“I think I would give up long before the point of it killing me. Trust me though, I know what good training will do. I’ve been almost killed too many times.”

“Good, then that means you won’t mind training today.”

“Need to find my armor first. I don’t know where it went.”

“The bug took it. I was wondering why she was cleaning up after you when the squid showed up.”

I don’t guess they have servants. “Then I’ll clean it and we can start training again. Easy enough.”

Half a month later, I got a crazy looking purple unicorn visitor. I let Twilight in and sat her down in my living room, since I knew it wasn’t her heat cycle. “Nav, do you remember when you said you’d help me prank Princess Celestia?”

“Can’t say that I do,” I answered, sitting down and leaning back on my leathery wings. I hadn’t been anywhere near Ponyville in two weeks because of how I looked, which made both the naga and the puppy ecstatic. I really need to name that dog…

“You know, during Cadance’s wedding?”

I shook my head. “I don’t remember much of anything that week. I know a lot of important stuff happened, but I can’t for the life of me remember them. I occasionally have to read over my journal to remind myself that week even happened.”

“Oh… Well, you promised to help me prank the princess.”

“Yeah, I could see that happening. That was over a year ago, though. Why is this just now being brought up?”

“Navarone, you do not get revenge for rape and attempted murder in a simple mindless prank. This took a year of planning and setting up the stage. I’m just missing two pieces, now. I need you to get me to Princess Luna, and if she agrees, I need you to make sure Celestia is very deeply asleep one night.”

“Easy enough. So what’s the prank?”

She shook her head. “I can’t tell you. Sorry Nav, but the fewer ponies that are aware of what’s happening, the more effective it will be. It’ll be just me and Luna. And if you ask her, it’ll ruin the entire thing. I need you to pretend this conversation never happened.”

“Eh, I’ve done weirder. I have an easy excuse for visiting Luna, too. When do you want to do this?”

“Tonight.”

“Well shit, thanks for the fucking heads up.” It was already three in the afternoon. “We leaving now or what?”

“Sorry for not being able to tell you sooner, Nav, but I’ve been busy keeping the library in order around whatever’s happening in there. That little ghost thinks it’s getting the better of me… IT’S NOT!”

Yeah, she’s nutters. “Let me just grab my sword and we can go. I think my train pass allows a single guest, if you don’t have a ticket yet.”

“Oh no, we’re not going by train. I took the liberty of sending Princess Luna a letter saying you wanted to see her tonight. The chariot is already outside.”

“…What if I had said no?” She shrugged. “Well, I need to go tell Taya and Cadance where I’m going. I also need to make sure the dog is fed, because I probably won’t get back until tomorrow morning.”

“How exactly are you going to make sure she stays asleep, again?”

I just grinned.

The two night guards pulling the chariot were leery about allowing Twilight to get on, but they weren’t about to tell me no. Not after helping them curb stomp Shining Armor, at least.

“So if we’re going to see Luna, why are we going so early?” I asked.

“Because we aren’t going there immediately. I have some other small things I need to do in the castle first.”

I sighed and muttered, “Don’t know why you need me for this anyway…”

“Because the princesses trust you, though Celestia only knows why.” Those little curse things make less sense when you’re talking about the princess in question. “Luna might deign to see me, but she would never listen to much of what I have to say without you there to support me.”

“But I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“Nav, just you being there and asking her to hear me out will probably be enough.” I just shrugged, since I didn’t really care.

Twilight left me at the chariot pool, saying she had some arrangements to make and something to draw. I had no idea what she meant by that but I also didn’t really care. Since I didn’t want Celestia to know I was there just yet, I went to the library and read one of the few books I hadn’t touched yet.

Twilight found me just as the sun was setting. “Are you ready, Nav?”

I shut the book with a clap and put it back on the shelf. “I’ve only been waiting for hours. How’d you even find me?”

“You aren’t wearing your ring. I just used the eavesdropping spell. Now come on, I don’t want to keep Princess Luna waiting.”

We got there just in time for her to wake up, it seemed. She was walking out of her door as we came down the hall. She lit up when she saw me, smiling happily. Seeing Twilight did little to dampen her grin. I wouldn’t be surprised if she assumed we were here for a repeat of the deal I made with her.

“What brings you two here?” she asked, walking our way.

“A question,” I answered. “And I need my wings and teeth turned back. Every time Cadance opens her mouth, I consider cutting a piece of her off and eating her. That needs to change.”

Her horn lit up and my wings went back to normal and I could feel my fangs receding into my mouth. I ran a tongue over my teeth, happy they were normal again; I kept biting my tongue and the side of my mouth while they were large.

“And what question did you have?” she asked.

Twilight finally spoke up. “Can we go somewhere more private for that, please?”

Luna turned to look at the guards that formed up behind her as soon as she walked out her door. “I suppose.” We followed her to her room, Twilight using her magic to shut the door behind us. “So what is this about?” Luna asked, giving the two of us some interesting half-lidded eyes.

Twilight answered with a grin, “Pranking Celestia.”

Luna’s look changed from sexy to confused. “Oh. That’s… Well, I suppose that’s more interesting, at least. What is the occasion?”

Twilight and I answered at the same time, “Revenge.” She has been spending too much time around me. I continued, “Since it was Celestia’s fault that Twilight raped and then almost murdered me at the wedding, and since Celestia has done so much bullshit to the both of us, we figured we could get her back. Twilight has done most of the work. We just need your help to put some of the final pieces together.”

“…And what pieces are those?” she asked.

“Absolutely no clue. Twilight?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Nav, you go talk to Celestia. Do whatever you need to do to make sure she won’t wake up easily tonight.”

“Easy enough. I’ll see you two later, then.”

I heard Luna sighing as I left, closing the door behind me. I started walking away, but one of the guards stopped me. “My son loved the autograph, sir,” she said, saluting.

“I bet he loved that you got home about a week early even more.”

She grinned. “Yes sir. He enjoyed the tale of how you scared the day guard with those teeth of yours, too.”

“I’m not certain that’s a good thing. I had chunks of squirrel in my teeth for days. Anyway, I need to go talk to the other princess. Keep up the good work, troopers.” They both saluted as I left to go find sunbutt.

Since I knew where she was, it wasn’t that hard to find her. I walked into her private dining hall without being challenged. She looked up, expecting Luna. She grinned when she saw me instead. “Hello, Navarone. I didn’t know you were here.”

“Yeah. I’m stressed and need something to fuck. You interested?”

She nodded. “Meet me in my bed chamber. As soon as I finish changing the court over for Luna, I will meet you there.”

“Awesome. See you soon, sunbutt.” She rolled her eyes at the name, but let me leave without calling me out on it.

It was looking to be a good night. Twilight and I get our revenge, Luna gets to fuck with Celestia, and I get laid. Everybody wins.

I don’t know what Celestia’s obsession is with putting me to sleep after we fuck. Normally when she does, I wake up cuddling her. This time she was holding onto me. I tried prying her legs away from me with no success.

Since that didn’t work, I managed to twist around in her grasp and gently kissed her awake. Her eyes fluttered open and she took a moment to realize what was happening before trying to return the kiss. By that time, I already pulled back. “Can you let me go?”

“Do I have to?”

“Unless you want to go again, yes.”

She looked extremely excited about the idea and I readied myself for yet another fucking, but she sighed and let me go. “I… can’t. You need to go back to Ponyville, Nav.”

I shrugged and pulled myself out of bed. “Alright. If you want any more action, just let me know. Last night was a lot of fun.” Though I wonder just what the hell Twilight did. I don’t suppose it mattered, at least not for me. I walked around and started gathering clothes as Celestia wearily sat up. She somewhat creepily watched me get dressed.

“Nav, when was the last time you spoke to Luna?”

“Last night, before I spoke to you. Why?”

“Was she behaving strangely?”

“Not really. Has she been?”

She nodded. “A little, yes. If she comes to you and seems paranoid, don’t pay any mind to what she says. I think I know the problem and I will confront her about it today.”

“Celestia, I’m her knight. I may not like her anymore, but it’s my job to make sure she’s okay.” She didn’t seem that happy when I said I didn’t like Luna, but she could get over it. “Do you want me to talk to her instead?”

“Navarone, I am her sister. I think that trumps your knight status. If I am correct, she needs to be left alone for a little while. I will do my best to make sure she does not disturb you. If she does try bothering you, please let me know.”

“Whatever. If you need my help with her, just let me know.”

“I will, Nav. I think I will be fine, though.”

“Meh.” I finally got fully dressed. “As always, you make a fine booty call, Celestia. I will see you the next time any of us gets stressed, I suppose.”

Another one of her eyes twitched. “Before you go, can I have one last hug?”

I shrugged. “Sure.” She was still lazily sitting up in bed, so it wasn’t that hard to lean in and give her one. I felt her forelegs and wings pull me in tightly. After an uncomfortably long hug, she let me go. “See you later, Celestia.”

“Bye, Nav…” She sounded rather depressed to see me go. I casually flung open her window and let myself out, flying back to Ponyville.

My first stop was Twilight’s library. I landed in front of it and let myself inside. I heard Spike cooking breakfast in the kitchen and saw Twilight using magic to push books into their proper places.

“Twilight, what did you do to Celestia last night?”

“Why, was she acting strange this morning?” She turned and I saw that she had a rather manic look on her face.

“…No? But you had to have done something to her if you needed my help to make sure she slept heavily.”

She just grinned, some of the mania going away. “Don’t you worry about a thing, Nav. It’s in motion now. Just avoid Canterlot if you can.”

I shrugged. “That won’t be too hard. Celestia asked me to avoid Luna and I’ve been doing so anyway, so I don’t really have any reason to go to that place for a while.”

“Was what happened really that bad?”

“Yes. Have you been in contact with Shining Armor recently? The last time he visited Cadance was right after the war games.”

“I haven’t. I did, however, see the records for this year’s game. I had to have them triple checked before I admitted to myself they were right. Navarone, how was it possible that your team only had twenty casualties?”

“I know more about war and fighting than just about any pony alive. Simple as that. I’ve been wanting to talk to Shiny about training his troops to not lose, but if he’s going to be a sore loser, I can’t. He also needs to visit Cadance. The last time he was there, he said something that upset her, I think.”

“That isn’t like him…”

“Twilight, he was probably really pissed. I tore out his throat with my teeth in front of his troops.”

“…You what?”

I waved a hand. “Not important. If you see him, tell him to come by. Even if he doesn’t want to talk to me, he needs to talk to Cadance.”

“No, what was that part about you using your teeth to tear out his throat?”

I rolled my eyes. “During the war game, he made the incredibly stupid decision of using his overpowered shield to capture Luna. When I rescued her, she told me to use my fangs to rip out his throat. I did. Now, I’m heading back home. I’ll see you later, Twilight. Tell your ghost that I politely asked it to stop fucking with you. I doubt it will work, but you never know.”

I actually heard something whispering in my ear at that. It wasn’t any kind of voice I could really hear, though. I could barely tell if it was anything more than wind. Either way, it made me jerk, looking around.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, joining me in examining the room for anything amiss.

“Nothing… Just thought I heard something. I’ll talk to you later, Twilight.”

She nodded and saw me out. I went back out into the summer day wondering at what just happened.

There were a few waves and called greetings as I walked through town. I was Equestria’s golden child, now. I saved the life of royalty and I apparently had the highest honor just about anyone can get. Now I wish I was planning on betraying them or something instead of just leaving. It would make it so much more fun.

That said, I did not want to burn a bridge if I didn’t have to. Having Equestria as a fallback home would be good. Even if I didn’t plan on coming back, just the option to would make me feel safer.

I got a messenger from Luna that night that asked me to meet her in Canterlot. For some reason, she didn’t use a night guard, but instead a random messenger from Canterlot. Remembering the two warnings I got, I didn’t go.

And so things went for another two weeks. I would train, do things with my messed up family, fuck Doppel silly most nights, and then get a message from Luna asking me to come to Canterlot. I had taken to wearing my ring at all times, just in case she really got desperate.

By the third week, I was getting tired of fucking messages. I sent one of my own via Spike to Celestia to get her to tell Luna to fuck off.

That night, I got a visit from Luna herself. “Navarone, I really, really need your help,” she told me.

I leaned back against the chair I started using while I was building, one of my hands going to where I kept the gun just in case. “You aren’t supposed to be out of Canterlot.”

“No, Luna is not supposed to. I am not Luna.”

I looked her over. “So you’re a changeling.”

“Navarone, Luna did… something. I woke up in her body and I think she’s in mine.”

“…Luna, go home.”

She stomped a hoof down. “How can I convince you I’m really Celestia, then?”

“You can’t. I write everything in my journals and you have been reading my journals.”

She huffed. “Even when I turned you into a baby?”

“It twinged to write down, but I wasn’t expecting that one to be read. I suppose I will have to protect my collection better. Look, if you go home now, I won’t tell Celestia you were outside of Canterlot.”

“Nav, if you’d just take off your ring I could show you.”

“I’m not letting that horn anywhere near my head. Not after last time, no thank you. Maybe you should try your luck with Twilight. She might be easier to convince.”

She lunged at me and knocked me backwards. I ripped the gun out of my pants and jammed it under her chin as she struggled to get to my finger. She stopped as soon as she felt metal there.

“…Navarone, what is that?”

“Do you remember when I told you the different kinds of weapons humans have? Well, I made one of them. If you don’t get the fuck away from me, your brains will be decorating my lawn.”

“Nav, please! If I can’t convince you with what I can show you, then I swear I will never bother you again! I’ll never talk to you, never send you a message, never ask you to do a thing. I… I just really need your help.”

“That is not the first time you’ve told me that, Luna. What makes this time any different?”

“Because this time I know how to make oaths magically binding.”

“Get off me and we’ll talk.” She used her wings to propel herself off me. I rolled out of the chair and set it back upright. “Forgive me if I’m not exactly trusting right now. It’s just the last time I let you anywhere near my mind, I got fucking raped and stabbed in the chest.”

“Then can we get this over with? I am very interested in why Luna decided this would be a good way of taking over my power.”

“No. You wait here. I’m going to go get an assurance you won’t do anything I’ll regret.”

She sighed as I went inside, tucking the gun back into my waistline. I wasn’t exactly happy with having something that explodes next to my dick, but I didn’t really have anywhere else to put it.

I quietly pushed open Cadance’s door and let myself in. The baby was sleeping peacefully in a crib next to the bed. Cadance was curled into a ball and twitching.

Until I poked her awake, at least. She blearily sat up, trying to see what woke her up. I whispered, “I need your help with something, Cadance.”

“Can’t it wait until the morning?” she almost silently asked, barely able to make a sound.

“No. According to Luna, this is important.”

She sighed and stretched before rolling out of bed and catching herself as she fell. “Fiiiine.” She followed me back downstairs, muttering darkly. Luna and Cadance seemed somewhat surprised to see each other. “I didn’t think you’d actually be here. You haven’t left Canterlot in ages!”

“This is an emergency. Well Navarone, are you willing to trust me now?”

“Cadance, if this takes longer than five minutes, stab Luna in the face with your horn.”

“…What?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I am going to show Navarone something. He does not trust me. If I take too long, use your magic to pull him away from me.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Nav, as happy as I am to see you trusting Luna again at all, why are you trusting Luna again at all?”

“Because I’m stupid.” I slid my ring off and said. “Do whatever the fuck you wanted to do.”

Luna sighed and her horn lit up. My eyes jerked open wide as Luna’s spell went through me, showing me memories only Celestia could have, from her perspective. It didn’t take long to end, though.

And when it did, I was able to fit some pieces together. “When did it happen?” I asked her.

“About three weeks ago. I woke up like this.”

“I think I know what happened. Do you know the body swapping spell?”

“…No. I know where I can find it, but the spell book was missing when I went looking.”

Cadance spoke up. “What’s going on?”

“Not important,” I answered. “Go back to bed. I need to wake up Taya.”

“She needs her sleep, though!” Cadance said. “She doesn’t get nearly enough.”

“This can’t wait,” I answered. “The only other people that know the spell are Twilight and Luna, and they’re both in on it.”

Celestia jerked back. “Twilight is in on this treason?”

“Nav, Luna is right there.”

I shook my head. “Cadance, go to bed. Yes, Celestia. It’s not treason, though. Just a prank. But this is too far.”

Cadance stomped down a hoof. “That’s not Celestia!”

We both looked at her and said, “Go to bed, Cadance,” at the same time.

Celestia turned back to me. “How is this in any way a prank? Navarone, do you know what she told me? She said I had a recurring problem where I thought I was her! Every few months since I got back from the moon, I had an episode, she said. The goal was to make me think I was insane!”

“WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!” Cadance shouted.

We ignored her. “Well, if you don’t want to fix this immediately, we can get her back,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Nav, she could be ruining my country! It is imperative I regain control.”

“And ruin your chance for revenge? I have a more fun idea.”

Cadance finally walked away, grumbling and muttering. “What did you have in mind?” Celestia asked.

I gave her my most winning grin. “Want to go on a date?”

Of course, it’s hard to just take the night princess on a date without giving someone any kind of warning. Most places are closed at night, after all, and Celestia didn’t know any of Luna’s friends in the city in any of the clubs Luna occasionally visited, so it might blow her cover if we went to one of those.

So instead we went back to Canterlot and waited, continuing to plot ways to make Luna suffer. Assuming, of course, she didn’t just break down as soon as I told her that I decided to give ‘Luna’ another chance.

When Celestia told me that we had to plot somewhere other than her room, I found out the night guards were in on the prank. Or at least, some of them were; Celestia had to tie up her two guards so she could leave without them telling her sister.

So instead we used the center of the maze. Almost no one ever goes in there, especially not at night.

“So how do we tell her?” I asked, leaning against the marble basin near the center of the maze.

“When she wakes up, go to her room and ask her for advice. Tell her you decided to try a relationship with Luna again on the basis that we’d go much slower this time and that there would be almost no magic at all.”

“Easy enough. If she doesn’t cave immediately, what should we do?”

“Go on a date, of course. We just keep progressing as time goes by until she cracks. If she doesn’t break before the Gala, we’ll just use Taya to teach me the spell and I’ll forcefully take my body back.”

“That will take some planning. It requires a magical circle drawn in a certain location. They put it under your bed.”

“I thought you didn’t know anything about the prank?”

“Twilight asked me make sure you were sleeping very deeply one night. Before that, she said she had some preparations to make and something to draw. I assume she drew it under your bed. When I woke up the next day, Luna was in your body and holding onto me.”

“I see. What was this prank even for, that it took such planning?”

“Revenge. I’m not a fan of getting raped and Twilight isn’t a fan of raping people. And neither of us liked it when she tried to murder me. Since both of those were your fault, we decided to get back at you. But this is too far.”

She looked away. “Oh…” Luna’s face is very good at showing shame.

“So, any other ideas to get back at her?”

She took a minute to recover from her period of shame. “Well, we can sit together at breakfast and kiss, to see the reaction on her face.”

“I might hold off on the kissing, but the sitting together works. Remember, we’re pretending to take this slow.”

“Of course. I’m… not exactly certain I know what that entails, but I will try.”

“Dates, for one. I actually had one planned for Luna, before… Well, we could go with that. I got some info about a nice place that’s still open around the time Luna usually wakes up. I still have some nice clothes Rarity made me, if the moths haven’t eaten them.”

She nodded. “And Luna has some nice clothes I can wear as well. When do you want to do this?”

“As far as I can tell, we’ll need to get a reservation a few days in advance. Normally I’d say that it wouldn’t matter because you’re the princess, but this will give us plenty of time to prepare and all that. If Luna gives in before then, we can just cancel the reservation.”

“Very well. Will you make the preparations, or should I?”

“I’ll do it. You just know that if you walked in and asked for a reservation, they would tell you to pick a time. Besides, I’ll be awake and ready to move tomorrow anyway.”

“Good.”

We sat in silence for a few moments.

“So… what now?” I asked.

“Well… This whole thing has been rather stressful for me. And I have been wondering what it’s like as Luna. What do you say, Nav?”

“Doesn’t that seem wrong, though? Using Luna’s body for that, I mean.”

She rolled her eyes. “You can’t tell me she hasn’t been using you, Nav.”

“Actually, she hasn’t. I even offered, when I woke up next to her. I was completely naked and woke her up by kissing her and she still said no. She didn’t seem happy about it, though.”

“Well, that is more restraint than I expected from her. But then, I suppose she knew what would happen if she did take advantage of you and you found out. However, I believe this is one situation in which she brought it upon herself.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. Let’s bang.”

And so we did. It was awesome.

The next morning, Luna found me sitting on one of Celestia’s many clothing drawers. She jerked back when she saw me. “What are you doing here, Nav?” she asked, yawning.

“I need some advice. As you know, Luna has been sending me messengers for the past three weeks. I got tired of it after you didn’t do anything about it and finally came by to talk to her last night.” She seemed to shrink in a little at that. “We got to talking. Long story short, she somehow managed to convince me to go on a date with her.” Her mouth dropped. “I know, I can’t believe it either. The conditions were that almost no magic could be used at all and that we went slowly. I’m already planning one date, but if I’m going to do this again, I’m going to do it right this time. What do you suggest?”

“You… you gave…” She shot out of bed. “I need to talk to my sister immediately.”

I jumped over and grabbed her tail before she could get to the door. “Relax, Celestia. I made it very clear that she has exactly one chance and that if she messes it up, that’s that forever.”

She jerked her tail and I let it go. She changed tactics, saying, “Don’t you remember when I said Luna was acting strange? How do you know this isn’t a symptom?”

“Maybe this is the cause. Maybe she finally realized what she did to me was horrible and she’s been feeling bad about it, expecting some manner of retribution until she was finally able to attempt to make amends. I mean, it could be a terrible idea, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Fine.”

I sighed. “Look, I know you wanted some kind of future for us, but Luna acted first. Both times.”

She looked away, sighing. “It is hard to let somepony else be happy when they have what you want.”

“Them’s the breaks. I was hoping you’d have some advice? I’ve never been on a date before. I was planning one for Luna right before it went to hell, but planning for it doesn’t mean much.”

“…What were you planning?”

“A dinner—well, breakfast for her—at Ethereal Cuisine followed by a hopefully romantic walk under her night. That’s what I was planning on doing here.”

She looked away, saying, “I thought you wanted to take things slow.” She sounded on the verge of tears.

“That’s what I need help with. I don’t know how to take things slowly. That was the only relationship I’ve ever been in, and even then, it was hardly anything but sex with a promise of something more eventually. Based on how it went, I’m pretty sure we both did a number of things wrong.” Mostly her, of course. “That’s why I’m trying to get advice.”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you, Navarone. I have… very little experience with that myself.”

“Ah well. Maybe I can get someone else, then. You mind if I join you for breakfast? I wouldn’t mind seeing Luna again before I make reservations.”

“…I’m not hungry. Tell her I won’t be joining her for breakfast today, but that I do want to see her before she goes to bed.”

“Easy enough. I’ll see you later, sunbutt.”

She didn’t say a word as I left. I smiled and whistled a song as I walked down to their dining hall. Celestia looked up as I walked in and noticed my mood. “Did she give in already?” she asked.

“Nope. Got her feeling bad enough to not be hungry, though.” I joined her at the table. “She said she wanted to talk to you before you went to bed. I wouldn’t be surprised if she cracked then. We are officially taking it slowly, so if you need, I can come back during breakfast or something and we can make out in front of her.”

She smiled darkly. “Yes, I would like that. Assuming she doesn’t give in, of course.”

“Of course.” I grabbed a goblet of milk, set out for Celestia. “To winning,” I said, holding it up.

She gently tapped it with a glass full of something dark. “To winning,” she answered with a smile.

Before I left Canterlot, I stopped by the fancy restaurant and got a reservation. We would be able to dine in a week. Thankfully, the ponies haven’t perfected the art of making people wait years for an exclusive place.

Right before night fell, I got a messenger from ‘Luna.’ With that messenger was a chariot. I shrugged and hopped on, letting them take me to Canterlot.

After tipping the private chariot drivers, I met Luna in the palace gardens, as the message had said. “Ah, Nav! I was hoping the messengers would be able to find you.”

Flo hissed in my mind. “Something’s wrong!”

I got on my guard, but didn’t say anything just yet. “My house is pretty noticeable, Celestia. What do you need?”

“We’re going to be bothering Luna during dinner.”

Flo hmmed. “That’s Luna, Navarone. The real one.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but got an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. “Sure. Shall we?” We need to be certain, Flo.

I knew she nodded as she said, “Yes, but if you go through with what you’re thinking, bad things might happen. You know what this might drive her to.”

Think it’s worth it?

“If you want to crush her, yes. But that’s just cruel, Nav.”

While my inner monologue was going, Luna and I were walking to dinner. She was explaining how ‘Luna’ had been so supportive of ‘Celestia’ going on a date with me. Flo seemed to grow more and more certain with every word that this was the real Luna, though I’m not certain how she knew.

When we got to the dinner hall, Celestia casually greeted me as Luna and I sat close to each other. We did some silly little things lovers do, though it felt wrong for me to do them with the plan I had forming in my mind.

As soon as dinner was over, I excused myself away from Luna’s presence to use the bathroom and then go home, which was my final proof that it actually wasn’t Celestia I was dealing with. She would have called me on that lie after the baby incident.

While I was working on some more weapons and whatnot in my yard, I was forming plans on how to make what I was going to do work. I’d need to make sure my house was empty, just in case it backfired. I’d also need a way to get a message to Celestia and to Luna, though I could use Twilight for that.

The week dragged by slowly as I started poking around. I got permission from Applejack to let Cadance and Skyla stay there for a night. I got permission from Twilight to let Taya stay with her. I had to do some… intense negotiating to get her to agree to let Doppel stay as well. I already had a plan for me, the naga, and the wolf since I couldn’t be anywhere near society.

During the nights, I occasionally visited Luna to keep up the impression that I still thought it was her. It was easy enough to keep up the charade, because she had no idea I knew.

And all week, Flo would passive-aggressively try to get me to call off my plan for Luna.

Finally, the day of days came. The date was scheduled at eight. I wrote out two quick notes and trudged through town to Twilight’s house, letting myself in because it was a public library.

I found Spike dusting one of the bookshelves or something. “Yo Spike, I got some messages for Celestia.”

He turned around. “Well, let me see them.” I passed them over and he sent them on their way.

“Thanks, man. You need me for anything before I disappear for a few days?”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Forest. I got a camping trip planned with the naga. If you can get some time off from Twilight, you’re welcome to come.”

“Ehhhh… I want to, but I’m not certain it would be a good idea. Whatever that problem was we had for those few months, it seems to have disappeared, but Twilight’s still thinking it might come back. I’d hate for her to be on her own dealing with that evil ghost or whatever it was.”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself. We might bring you back some meat, if there’s any left.”

“Cool. See you later, Nav. Gotta get back to pretending I’m busy so Twilight won’t make me do actual work.”

And so on I went, back home.

Now, for those of you that haven’t figured it out yet, this was my plan: I was going to stand up Princess Luna at the fanciest restaurant in Equestria. One of the notes I sent told Luna to meet me at the restaurant, since we hadn’t made any plans yet. The other was a note to Celestia, telling her to wait until nine to open it. It detailed my plan and that I would be hiding in the forest for a few days for Luna to cool off. It also told her that she should be fucking ashamed for betraying me and then using that betrayal to try to set me up with someone I already told her I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.

Yeah, I expected this to go poorly.

I made no sign of the fact that I was leaving until about seven that night. “Cain, are you sure it is wise to be leaving into that forest so late at night?” the naga asked as I put my crossbow over my back.

“Let me put it this way: If we are in this house in two hours, there is a good chance we will not survive the night.” I added another dagger to the two already adorning me before throwing my sword belt over my back as well.

“Now when you put it that way… I think we could face whatever would come to kill us. Cain, we are naga. We face our enemy and kill it. We do not run and cower.”

“Ames, the enemy coming to murder us will be a very angry night goddess that I’m standing up. You can stay here if you want. The wolf and I are leaving. If there is a building here when I get back, I will be surprised.”

“…So how far are we going into the forest, again?”

“Hopefully far enough. You ready?”

His hand went up to the sling I got Rarity to make for his crossbow. “Yes.”

I made one last check for my pistol before nodding. “Let’s go, then. We have a lot of ground to cover in two hours.”

Flo spoke up in what might have been the loudest voice I’ve heard from her in a long time. “Navarone, why are you doing this? You’ve given her all week to look forward to this! Please, for your sake and hers, stop this now! You don’t have to go on the date. Just send her a message telling her you know. Please! There is no reason to hurt her just to prove a point.”

“I assume you have a location in mind, then?” the naga asked as he pushed the button to lower the gate.

“Yeah... I just… Wait here. I forgot something in town.” Flo was right, sadly. I really wanted to do this to prove that I wouldn’t take kindly to being betrayed or deceived, but I couldn’t in good conscience do it. I quickly flew into town while the naga jumped over the wall.

I landed in front of the library and let myself in, even though the sign said closed. “Spike, you in here?”

He poked his head out of the kitchen. “Yeah?”

“Sorry to bother you, but I really need to send another message. You mind if I borrow some paper and ink?”

“Go ahead.” I wrote out a message to Celestia telling her to open the letter I sent her immediately, and to do with that knowledge what she would.

“Send it on, Spike. After this, I’m going out of town for a few days. Whatever response comes, don’t bother trying to find me or catch up with me.”

“What’s going on, Nav?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just send the message. And try to fuck Doppel, if you can; it’d be good for you.” I ran out of the building before he could reply, since I knew if I was still in town when Celestia got that message, bad things might happen. I slipped on my ring as I ran down the road to my house, all my supplies and weapons rattling and bouncing on me.

I fucking hope you’re happy. Flo just answered me with silence.

Soon enough, I got back home to find the naga and the puppy waiting in front of the gate. “Shall we go, Cain?”

“Yeah. And be on your guard. I don’t know how far in you’ve been, but we’re going in farther than I’ve been in a while. Hopefully your scent won’t attract anything that might think you taste good.”

“Navarone, I do not think anything will be foolish enough to try to eat something my size.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I’ve seen monsters in there that make you look the size of this wolf.”

He laughed as we quickly moved into the woods. “Cain, you should know by now that monsters have little finesse when they fight. Especially ones so large. They do not fight for food at that size, I imagine. They just have to run it down. They are large, yes, but they do not know how to fight, especially against something that is trained as I am.”

I shrugged, because I really didn’t care. If something like a hydra attacked us, I was planning on finding out how hydra tasted. Although if it was anything like the hydra from legend, I imagine that its body was highly toxic.

An hour into our escape, I called for a short break next to a river. “Let me check my mental layout of the forest. The forest can seep into your mind and get you lost on purpose if you aren’t careful,” I said.

The naga nodded as he moved to the river, setting his crossbow and bolts down on the ground. He shoved his head into the river, presumably for a drink, but his entire body jolted backwards a second later and he let out a shout of surprise.

I jerked my head that way and saw a massive purple familiar river serpent sliding his upper body out of the river. Oh fuck me.

In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to have thought. “Ooh, a new friend!” the insane serpent said, looking over the naga. And then his eyes shifted to me and his grin grew. “And my little ape! It’s wonderful of you to visit me again!”

“Human, what is this thing?” the naga asked.

“That,” I whispered, “is a gay river serpent that tried to rape me a year ago.”

“So kill it?” he quietly asked.

“Not just yet.” Louder, I said, “Hello again. Unfortunately, stopping for us means death, or we would stay and talk. We were just taking a short break before we continued again.”

“I see… You know, I never did catch your name, my tasty little morsel.”

“…Navarone, at your service.”

“At my service, you say? Well well… I am Stephen Magnet, river serpent extraordinaire! And who is that next to you? He’s quite a cutie!”

The naga growled, his hand wrapping around the hilt of his sword. I answered before anything hasty could be done, “That’s a naga. They don’t give their names to outsiders. Also, he’s married. Now, we’ll just be on our way…”

“Oh, leaving so soon? You know, we never did get properly acquainted…”

The naga was slowly drawing his sword at this point. I said, “Hey, if I give you the location of a creature that’s just looking for a loving mate, would you let us pass?”

Stephen stroked at his mustache, thinking. “And how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

I gave him my best winning grin. “I would never stand in the way of two possible lovers.”

“How romantic! I’m listening, Navarone.”

“In a lake outside of Ponyville lies a lovelorn squid, aching after my dear friend here. Their love can never be, so he needs someone to take his mind off the naga. That someone could be you. You’re both aquatic, you’re both…” I almost said flamingly homosexual, but stopped myself at the last instant. “Available,” I said instead. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll find your match in him.”

“Wellll… Okay. It’s worth a look, my cute little ape. And if nothing else, I can visit Mistress Rarity again. But if I don’t find a lovely little squid waiting in the lakes, I’ll track down a monkey to make up for it.”

Run run run, fast as you can… “Deal. Good luck, Magnet.”

“Tata!” He ducked his head under the surface of the lake. We could see his body undulating as he swam downriver.

“Disgusting,” the naga muttered, slamming his sword in its sheath.

I just let out a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to fight a giant serpent. I took a moment to collect my thoughts and form a mental map of where in the Everfree we were. The naga bent back down to the river, slipping his face into the water. The rest of his upper body slowly joined him until it was just his tail outside.

A few minutes later, a fish came flying out of the river and onto shore, flopping around like mad. The little wolf barked at it before running over and biting it, shaking it around until it wasn’t moving anymore. Two more fish joined it, the wolf repeating the process. Then the naga pulled himself out of the water and looked down at its work. “Good enough. Hungry, Cain?”

He grabbed one of the fish and bit into it. Raw. While it still had scales, bones, and organs.

“…I’m good.” He shrugged and devoured two fish while the wolf gnawed at the other.

When there was nothing left of the three of them, we followed the river upstream until we got to the base of a very large hill that in most places would be called a mountain. “Now, a word of advice: Do not touch any of the gold or jewels inside this cave,” I warned as we walked in.

“…Navarone, where are we?” he asked, his eyes and mine showing us mounds of gleaning treasure.

A long serpentine neck slowly pulled itself from one pile of gold, individual coins and gems falling from the pile with a huge racket. “Hello, Navarone,” Reginald’s deep voice rumbled. “What brings you to my humble cave?”

“My friend and I are camping,” I said. “And I for one do not want to get eaten at night. You mind if we spend the night in your cave and the day outside?”

“As long as neither of you steal, I am fine,” he answered before looking at the naga more closely. “You… you smell…” His tongue flicked out in front of the naga for an instant and the dragon’s eyes lit up. “You smell of home!” The dragon’s body shot out of the pile of treasure, sending gold flying everywhere. “Are you from the naga clan with the room of sapphires?”

Ames nodded. “Yes, dragon. How do you know of it?”

Reginald grinned. “You’ve never heard the tales of Great Reginald, Defender of the Naga? Of how I held off the minions of Discord in their last assault on the forces of reason?”

The naga looked rather surprised at that. “Surely that isn’t you! What would the hero of legend be doing aging away in a musty cave?”

“Musty? I keep my treasure clean, thank you!” He grinned, though. “I am retired. I spent as long as I could in your clan, but eventually I outgrew the caves there. Then I started spending time with the ponies instead. They were a weak race at the time, with many predators and enemies. After what they had done for us by extinguishing that tyrant, though, I knew I could not let them die off in good conscience. Celestia was leery of my help, but Luna readily welcomed me. Between the two of us, we built a nation for the ponies. I fear I have much to do with the fear of dragons, given that my ferocity in battle was what kept so many of their weaker predators away. But all stars must fade, and when there were no more battles left to fight, my services were no longer needed. I fell into obscurity, Celestia not wanting her ponies to know that they had to be saved by a dragon, of all things. The first time in over a thousand years I even left this cave was when Navarone told me that my old friend Luna was looking for her friends.” He snorted steam. “That’s when I learned my place in the history books was erased. All that time, all those deeds… Remembered only by a few…” We shared a silence for the bullshit of Celestia before he said, “So what has the clan been up to? Navarone told me they had fallen on hard times.”

That was an interesting history lesson. It was the naga’s turn to speak, though. “Yes, we have. The times of war and battle are long over. The lands of the waste have finally lived up to their name. Many of the monsters that did live there died out over the years. Those few that remain know to leave the sapient races alone for fear of reprisal. Pony railways cover the land, crisscrossing the vast wasteland and bringing a semblance of civilization. With the lack of monsters and predators came the lack of work. There is only so much you can grow in such a harsh land, so we began getting less food as we got less gold. A once-proud mercenary civilization was brought to its stomach by the harshest enemy there is: Peace. We are but a shadow of our former selves. Where once ten thousand strong warriors thrived, now mere hundreds eke out an existence.”

The dragon let out a long breath that filled the room with steam. “Such is the way of things,” he finally said. “In war, our kind thrives. In peace, our prey reigns. Enough of this depressing talk. Navarone, what adventures have you had in the time since we last spoke?”

I grinned. “I thought you said you had enough of depressing talk. There are few adventures that aren’t depressing.”

“Speak, or not. I see you have gained a pet, unless that timberwolf is here to challenge me.”

I looked down to my wolf, who decided to sit right next to my leg. “Yeah, I got a little pet.” I told him that story. He traded me a story.

A few days passed like that. During the day, the naga and I would train. At night, we would tell stories until the naga fell asleep. Honestly, it was awesome. Sadly though, all good things must come to an end.

Not so sadly, Reginald offered to carry the three of us back home. That saved us a few hours of trudging through the woods and possibly running into something that would eat us. He dropped us off right outside the gate of my house and took off again before anyone from the town had a chance of calling the guards.

“Well,” the naga said, “it seems you still have a house.”

“Not damaged at all,” I answered with a smile. We let ourselves in and I quickly found myself hugged by a happy daughter. “Yes, Taya, we’re back. Did we miss anything?”

“Yeah,” she answered, her voice muffled by being jammed into me. She pulled back and said, “Spike got a few messages demanding your presence in Canterlot immediately. The first demand came with a letter for you.” Her horn lit up and an envelope on a conveniently placed table flew over at me.

I ripped it open and pulled out another envelope with Twilight’s name on it and two letters for me. I read the one from Celestia first. ‘You did the right thing by telling me, Navarone. Luna would have been devastated, though I admit she was depressed as it was. You’re right—it was wrong of us to deceive you like that, and I apologize. Please, give the other letter to Twilight as soon as you can.’

I flipped over to Luna’s letter. ‘I just wanted a chance to prove I wasn’t what you thought I was, that I could be a good special somepony. Was that really too much to ask?’

“Good news?” the naga asked.

“Not really,” I answered. “I’m going into town.”

“Daddy, you stink,” Taya said.

“Okay. I’m taking a shower and then going into town. Is Cadance here?” She nodded. “Is she mad?” She shook her head. “Good, she doesn’t know.” I folded my two letters up and jammed them in a pocket. I carried Twilight’s letter upstairs and set it on the bed as I hastily undressed and took a very quick shower.

Less than ten minutes later, I was on my way to Twilight’s house, Taya following close behind me. I had tried to get her to stay behind, but she was having none of that. “I haven’t spent much time with you in days!” she said. Even if it wasn’t going to be much time she could spend with me, at least it could be some.

We talked about her studies and my time in the forest while we walked. She seemed to have hit a stone wall of sorts, and was no longer progressing in strength. It was also taking her much longer to learn some of the spells Twilight was trying to teach her. Taya was not the sort to take failure that happily, and did her best to ignore Twilight’s teachings on how friendship increases magical strength. She instead poured her time into practicing and reading as many magic texts as she could.

We got to Twilight’s house to find… nothing! Or rather, no one. There was a note on the table with Twilight’s very well-planned schedule if anyone needed her. And her creepy owl watched our every move until we get back outside, heading to Sugarcube Corner to hopefully catch Twilight.

We found her there with Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity.

Of course, Pinkie was immediately in my face when I walked in the door. “Oooh, hi Nav! Where ya been? I’ve been trying to find you to tell you that I was planning a party but I couldn’t find you so I couldn’t tell you and I tried looking everywhere but you weren’t anywhere and now here you are! I’m planning a party in a few days and you’re going to be there!”

“We’ll see.” I gently pushed her down and walked around her, allowing Taya access into the shop. Rarity and Fluttershy seemed to be trying to talk Twilight into joining them at the spa, since they were going there soon after they left the shop.

I interrupted their little conversation by giving Twilight her letter. “Who’s this from?” she asked.

“The princesses,” I answered. “I found it in a letter that was addressed to me.”

When she heard it was from them, her eyes lit up and she tore it open, quickly reading it. Her face paled and the light in her eyes disappeared as she gulped. “Well girls… I can’t make the spa trip.” Her voice sounded nervous and morose. “Nav and I have been summoned to Canterlot. I need to find Spike…”

She jumped out of her chair and ran out of the shop. The three of them turned to me. Rarity said, “Nav, is everything alright?”

“Fine and dandy,” I answered. “I should go with her. Rarity, do Aloe and Lotus cater to fillies?”

She nodded. “They’ve been known to, yes.”

I tossed her a coin pouch. “Spa’s on me. Taya, go with them.” Taya opened her mouth, but I kept going. “No, you don’t have a choice. Rarity, make sure she gets the deluxe treatment, or whatever is the best for someone her age. If she fights back more than is necessary, let me know. Now, I gotta jet.” I ran out the door before anyone could say a word.

I had no idea where Twilight was, but I did know that when she was in a panic, she didn’t worry about any kind of mess or anyone’s feelings. That in mind, I followed the trail of upset ponies, running as quickly as my legs would take me.

I found Twilight at Applejack’s apple stand, shaking Spike back and forth and babbling. I rolled my eyes, walked over to her, and began scratching her behind the ear.

She calmed down almost immediately, dropping Spike to the ground. He looked up from his perch on the trodden earth and asked, “What’s going on?”

Without stopping on Twilight’s ear, I said, “Go get some paper and write out a quick message to Celestia telling her that Twilight and I are ready for a chariot to Canterlot.”

“But what about the apple stand?”

“I’ll watch it until you get back,” I said. “Go.”

He shrugged and started running to the library. When he was out of sight, I stopped scratching at Twilight’s ear. Her mane immediately frizzled out and she gave me the insane look. “Nav, Celestia knows!”

“I know.”

She curled into a ball on the ground, using a hoof to pet her tail. “She’s gonna be so disappointed and I’m gonna be punished for pranking her and… Oh Celestia, what if she disowns me?!”

“You knew the risks when you decided to prank her.”

“She wasn’t supposed to find out!”

I shrugged and took my place behind the apple stand. With Twilight rocking back and forth on the ground, I didn’t get any patrons.

Spike came running back soon enough. “Letter sent!” he said before noticing Twilight. “So uh… What’s wrong?”

I answered for Twilight, who seemed incapable. “Twilight decided to prank Celestia and she went way too far. Celestia is summoning us to Canterlot because of that.”

“Ooooh… Have fun with that.”

“Yeah, thanks for the support. How do I get Twilight back to the library?”

Spike walked over to her and started poking her. “Twilight, you in there?” Her crazy eyes locked on him and he flinched. “You need to go back to the library, Twilight.”

“It won’t be my library for long,” she said in a crazy voice. “The princess is gonna disown me and I’ll lose everything! You, the library, the books… I’ll have to move back in with mom and dad!”

Spike looked up at me. I rolled my eyes and joined him next to her. “Twilight, you are fucking retarded. The princess isn’t going to disown you. She’s going to give you an Aesop about why what you did was wrong and tell you that if you have any problem with her in the future, to talk them out instead of pranking her. Then the two of you will hug and you’ll forget this crazy episode ever happened.”

“You don’t understand—”

Spike’s turn. “He’s right, Twilight. Princess Celestia would never do that. You may have made her angry, but you’re still her number one student. She isn’t going to disown you.”

“But—”

“Chariot’s here,” I said, looking up. “Time to go, Twilight.”

She whimpered and curled tighter.

“Spike, grab her back legs.” He did. I grabbed her front ones. “On the count of three, we lift her up and put her in the chariot.” He nodded. “One, two, three.” We lifted her up and tossed her in the back. “We should be back shortly,” I told him, stepping into the back of the chariot.

“See you then, Nav,” Spike said as he walked back to the apple stand.

One of the guards pulling the chariot looked back at me. “Sir, is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine. Let’s go.” He shrugged and the two of them took off. On the way there, I tried getting Twilight to a more dignified position than huddling on the ground. “What will Celestia think if she sees her prized student like this? I imagine she’ll be quite ashamed that the student who faced down Nightmare Moon is huddling on the floor like a filly.” That might have been the wrong thing to say. She whimpered and curled tighter.

I sighed and began doing dirty things to her, since I knew that tended to calm her down at least a little. It worked, and she did the roly-poly act of slowly uncurling and twitching her legs around.

When I was done, she was slightly drooling and we were just about to land. I cleaned my hands off and stepped out of the chariot when it hit dirt and stopped. “Twilight, you coming?”

“You bet I did!” She shook herself. “I mean, yes!” A blush crept down her face as she got to her shaky legs and removed herself from the chariot. As we walked past the two guards, they winked at me. I just grinned. Not long after we started walking to the palace entrance, Twilight quietly said, “Nav, if… If Princess Celestia does disown me… You wouldn’t leave me, would you?”

“Of course not, Twilight. Not that we’ll have to worry about it, though.” Although if Celestia did kick her ass to the curb, I could probably scoop her up for my trip around the world. That would be useful.

“Right. Of course…”

We continued in silence up to the throne room. There was no line, so we were let in immediately. Twilight shuffled her way up to the front of the room, looking down the whole time. I had an encouraging hand on her back. Since Twilight wasn’t looking up, Celestia was giving me a look that promised words for later.

When we got close enough, Twilight stopped and fell on her stomach, probably trying to beg forgiveness or something.

“Twilight, rise.” She slowly stood up, still not looking at Celestia. “Twilight, if you ever have a problem with me or anything I do, come and tell me. We can talk it out together. Now, while what you did was wrong, you will not be punished for it this time. Just please, in the future, talk to me.”

Twilight sniffled and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Princess.”

“I forgive you, my dear student.”

And that was enough to get Twilight running at Celestia for a hug. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, waiting for Twilight’s little moment to end. When it did, Twilight took a spot next to Celestia and stood there, beaming. Celestia looked disapprovingly down on me. “And you, Navarone? Would you care to explain yourself?”

“I suppose I could. I realized immediately that you and Luna swapped back. Different mannerisms, not important. I knew you were planning on turning the prank around on me instead by making me go on a date with Luna. So I decided to take the initiative and hit you two first.”

“I see. And how, exactly, did you expect this to end?”

“Luna would come home pissed and slightly embarrassed that I saw it coming. I expected her to fly to my house and try to hurt me. I had a guilt trip right before I left for the forest and decided to put the prank in your hands.”

“Navarone, the point of what we did was not to prank you. It was to show you that Luna is not what you think of her. She is capable of love, affection, and being a good special somepony. She wanted to go on a date with you, Navarone. She did not want to prank you.”

“Oh.”

“Thankfully, you saw that what you were doing was wrong and I was able to tell her what was about to happen. I am glad that your conscience shined through on this matter, though I wish it had happened sooner. Luna was quite looking forward to the date.”

“Maybe she should have thought of that before—No, I’m not doing this. Do you need anything else, Celestia?”

“I know you may not like this idea, but would you be willing to talk to Luna and perhaps apologize?”

“No, I would not. I did nothing wrong.”

Celestia sighed. “Navarone, sometimes you have to learn to swallow your pride. What you did was wrong, even if it was to fight back against the wrong we were doing to you. You doing something cruel to us to make us answer for our cruelty is still cruel.”

Flo butted in, the first time I heard her speak since she got me to cancel the prank. “She’s right, Nav. It may have been justified, but it was cruel and it probably merits apologizing.”

“Be that as it may, I’m not apologizing.” That answer was for Celestia and Flo both. I consider what they were trying to do to me worse than what I was going to do to Luna. If she wants an apology, she can start by giving me one.

Celestia shook her head sadly. “I can’t make you. Will you at least talk with her before you leave?”

“Does she want to see me?”

“Well… No.”

“Then I’m going home. I will see you later, Celestia.”

She just sighed as I walked out. Before the big doors shut behind me, Twilight joined me. Together, we walked back to the chariot pool and rode on home.

When we got back to Ponyville, I was treated with an adorable sight. Taya was all dolled up and beautified and she had the cruelest, most evil glare on her face that I had ever seen.

I grinned when I saw her. “Taya, you look adorable.”

She shifted her thousand yard stare of hate to me. “Daddy, this feels terrible.”

I feel that I should point out that we were all in the library at the moment. Rarity, who was tittering, Spike, who was trying not to laugh at Taya, Twilight, who was also trying not to laugh, me, and Taya.

“You can clean up when we get home,” I said. “We’ll walk back in… Well, I guess we can do it now.”

Rarity levitated a mostly full bag of bits over my way. “I used my bits, dear,” she said. I opened my mouth to demand she keep the bag, but she kept talking, “Consider it my way of saying thank you for getting Stephen Magnet such a loving partner. I spoke with him yesterday and he seems so happy! Although… I have to wonder, just how does that… work?”

“River serpent and squid…” I mused. A few things came to my mind that made me feel uncomfortable. “I don’t want to think about it, that’s for sure. Thanks for watching Taya for me, Twilight. I hope she and Doppel weren’t too problematic.”

“They were fine, Nav. I’ll see you later.” Taya and I began the long walk home.

And I made sure to walk slowly, so Taya could show off her temporary new look. Several passing ponies complimented her on it. Some colts around her age did as well, much to her blushing chagrin.

When we finally got back, she tried to rush to her room only to be stopped by a grinning Cadance. “Taya, you look so cute! What’s the occasion?”

She whimpered and looked back at me. I sighed. “Leave her be, Cadance. Taya, you’ve suffered enough.” Taya teleported away, presumably to her room, if the slam I heard upstairs was any indication.

“Geez, what did I miss?” Cadance asked.

“Eh, nothing much. Anything important happen while I was gone?”

“Aside from the letter from Celestia, no. Is Luna still acting really weird?”

“Nah, I think that’s cleared up. Has Shining Armor decided to stop sulking yet?”

She nodded. “Yeah. He was just in a really bad mood after what happened with the games. I bet if you set up a meeting, he would be happy to talk to you about training the troops better.”

“I’ll think about it. For now, I just want to relax for a few weeks. It’s been a hectic… well, year.”

“It sure has…”

Chapter Seventy-Two—Coming home this Christmas day…

Chapter Seventy-Two—Coming home this Christmas day…

For once, I got my wish. Nothing big or important happened for over a month. It was… boring.

So I was quite happy when I got a long letter from the unicorn university telling me they had a breakthrough and that I needed to go to the tower in a few days. And in a stroke of somewhat interesting luck, Derpy brought me a useful letter in the mail: Two tickets to one of the Wonderbolt derbies on the same day from Fancy Pants.

I now had an alibi for going to Canterlot on that day, so if the princesses really are watching me, they’ll see me going to a Wonderbolts thing with a friend, probably Dash.

To that end, as soon as I got the tickets, I tracked down Rainbow Dash. Let me tell you, she is not easy to find. In the end, I found her sleeping in a random tree in the middle of Applejack’s massive orchard.

Since my wings couldn’t exactly maneuver that well in such a tight place, I climbed up the tree until I was on a branch right next to her. She was happily snoring away until I pounced on her.

She let out a cry of terror and batted her hooves at me aimlessly until she realized it was just me. Then she gave me a very deadpan stare. “You realize I was sleeping, right?”

“No, your snores didn’t give it away. You want to go to a Wonderbolts show?”

That put some life in her. “When?!”

“Two days. I got some tickets in the mail and figured you’d be down to go.”

“Awesome!”

“Only one catch, though: We’re in the VIP section. You’ll have to at least pretend to be good company.”

“Psh, no problem! I can pretend for a bunch of old rich ponies any day! Just as long as I don’t have to pretend to be your special somepony, that is.”

“Ouch, my feelings. Nah, we’re going as friends, I assume. I figured I could finally see what the fuss is about since I got the tickets free anyway.”

“Hehe, free VIP tickets to a Wonderbolts show…” She seemed to finally notice that I was sitting on her. “So are you gonna get off me or what?”

“I don’t know, Dashie. You’re pretty comfortable. I might just lie down and fall asleep…”

She gave me another deadpan look before rolling over, sending us both falling off the branch. She caught herself, but I hit the ground. She landed, standing with hooves on either side of my body before sitting down on my stomach. “You’re pretty comfortable too, Nav. A little bony, but I could make it work.”

“Hey, I don’t have anything to do all day. If you want to cuddle, I won’t say no.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You asked for it.” Her wings shot out and she leapt into the tree to get her blanket before flitting back down to me. She did a little catlike circling thing before laying down on me, using a wing to throw the blanket over the two of us. I ran a hand through her mane as she curled up on me and promptly started snoring again.

It’s a nice day out. The grass is soft. Dash is soft. Just two bros, drifting away… It’s nice to have little moments of calm like that.

Of course, the effect was ruined when I heard a loud click and saw a flash. I looked up to see a smirking Applejack with a camera. That didn’t bother me at all.

It apparently bothered Dash, though. She flinched awake at either the click or the flash and looked up blinking. First, she saw that she was sleeping on me. And then she saw Applejack’s laughing form. And of course, it didn’t take her long to see the camera somehow magically held in Applejack’s hooves.

Dash jumped off me and pounced at Applejack. “Gimme that!”

Applejack jerked the camera away. “Nope! I always knew you two were close, but I didn’t think it was like that!” She was dodging around Dash’s attempts to seize the camera.

“It ISN’T like that!” Dash yelled, redoubling her efforts.

“Sure looked that way to me!” AJ laughed, starting to run away.

Dash let off an exasperated sound and took off, tearing after her. I just rolled my eyes and pulled the blanket off before neatly folding it, grabbing it, and following the two of them at a leisurely pace. It looked like Applejack was running into town. With as fast as Dash is, she would be able to easily catch up with her. But with as strong as AJ is, she could probably withstand Dash.

I fully expected to find the two of them having friendly hate sex on the road into town. Perhaps fortunately, I didn’t. It didn’t take long to find out where they went, though; I asked the first pony I saw and got pointed to Sugarcube Corner.

I wandered over that way, still going at a relatively slow pace. I was in no hurry; I really didn’t have anything to do that day aside from go home and spar.

When I stepped into the little shop, the arguing inside stopped and they all turned to me. I continued walking inside and set the blanket on a table. “Ladies.” Inside were Pinkie, Applejack, Mrs. Cake, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. “Am I interrupting something?”

Pinkie put on a massive grin and shook her head. “Nope. We were just talking about you!”

“Nothing bad, I hope.” I looked over at the camera being held away from Dash by Pinkie. “Taking pictures, I see? There are some that consider that impolite.”

“I didn’t take any pictures!” Pinkie said. “But I know somepony else diiiiid! And my my, Nav. You and Dashie here seem to be… getting along quite nicely.”

Dash started growling, but was leaving the talking up to me at this point. “We are good friends,” I calmly admitted. “We do all kinds of things together.”

“Like sleeping together?” she innocently asked. Mrs. Cake started blushing at that. Fluttershy’s ears dropped. Applejack grinned and Dash just narrowed her eyes.

I scratched at my chin. “Well, there was that one time when we were drunk… But according to some reliable sources, we wrestled a lot first. Apparently we passed out in the middle of it and had to be put in bed. And Dash was using me as a pillow earlier. It’s nothing you, Applejack, and Fluttershy haven’t done.”

Fluttershy let out a cute little sound at that and they all looked her way, eyes widening.

I continued, “When I was injured a year ago, she cared for me. I was out cold for a few days, and she was kind enough to let me use her bed. Of course, it was the only bed in the house and she had to sleep somewhere… And you, Pinkie. You’ve done it a few times yourself.” I poked Applejack on the nose because she was closest. “And you did it when we were with Zecora. Rarity was there as well. Nothing wrong with sharing body warmth, is there?”

AJ looked over to Dash. “Well when you put it like that…” she commented.

“So you two aren’t dating?” Pinkie asked, actually sounding kind of sad.

“If we are, it’s news to me,” I answered.

“Aww… I was gonna give you two a party!”

I shrugged. “Them’s the breaks, Pinkie. I’m sure you won’t have to think hard to come up with another reason to have a party.” Dash was looking rather relieved, at this point. “Now, I have something I need to get back to. Dash, don’t forget our trip in two days.” The others all jerked toward her again as her relieved look disappeared. I had just said we weren’t dating, but then I just implied that we had a date. I quickly let myself out before any of them could say a thing.

I knew that was mean, but I couldn’t help it. Besides, Dash needs to learn to win her own battles. I smiled when I heard the sound of arguing pick back up again as I walked on home.

To be honest, I had no idea what to bring with me. I mean, there were so many things I wanted to take but so few that would work. I wouldn’t need the magic resisting ring, and I could actually lose it if I had it with me. I knew I couldn’t bring any of my important weapons because if I was seen, I would lose them. I had no idea what season it would be when I got there or where I would be, so I didn’t know what clothes to bring. And of course, I couldn’t let anyone know I was planning on going anywhere.

In the end, I settled for a very large coat that could cover my wings, the wallet I still had from home, and a string of throwing knives just in case. I also packed a small bag with a spare set of warm-weather clothes, just in case. I really had no idea what to expect; according to what the time guys said before, I had a pretty large margin of time that I could appear in. And there really was no telling where I would appear.

If, of course, they could do it at all.

The big day dawned with Rainbow Dash banging on my door. “COME ON NAV, WE’LL BE LATE!”

I crossed my arms, standing behind her. “Dash, I’ve been outside for hours.” I have no idea how she didn’t notice me standing there when she landed.

She jumped around. “There you are! Come on, Nav!” She stretched her wings and jumped into the sky, quickly outpacing anything I could do.

I sighed and just stood there, waiting. Two minutes later, I heard her flying back before she was on the ground. “Come on!”

“Dash, the show doesn’t start for six hours. It’ll take us less than an hour to get there. What do you want to do in Canterlot for five hours while we wait for the show to begin?”

She blinked a few times. “Six hours?” I nodded. “I’m going back to bed. Come and get me when it’s time to go.” She jumped back into the sky and presumably flew back to her cloud home.

I rolled my eyes just as an angry Doppel slammed the door open. She glared at me. “Why are you banging at the door so early in the morning?”

I pointed to the rainbow streak we could barely see flying away. She rolled her eyes and shut the door, presumably going back to bed.

The two of us got to Canterlot an hour early, because I wanted to get something to eat on the off chance I ended up in the middle of the ocean or something. Dash was definitely excited to see the show, but she was doing her best to hide it and behave.

“You know of any good places to eat here?” I asked as we walked the streets. I had two pockets full of gold, because I knew that shit was really lucrative when I was on Earth. I was hoping I could use some of it to bribe any cops if they ever saw my wings.

“Nav, I don’t get to Canterlot that often. You come here more often than I do.”

Well shit, I only know of a few places that serve meat: The palace if you catch them on a good day, the Shady Trough if they’re actually serving food, that place I almost stood Luna up at, and a predator only place. I couldn’t get into that fancy place without a reservation and I wouldn’t bring Dash there anyway. I wouldn’t betray the Shady Trough to someone that’s more loyal to Celestia than to Luna. And there was no way in hell I was going to the palace when I was in Canterlot to go home.

So we just ducked into the first restaurant that seemed moderately busy.

“…”

“…”

The entire inside of the place was pink. Hearts were everywhere. It seemed like a very couples-oriented place.

“In hindsight,” I said, “the name should have tipped us off.” The sign outside called this place the Loveboat.

“Let’s just go.”

Just as we were about to turn around and walk off, we heard the unwelcome call of a friend of ours. “Oh Naaaav! Rainbow Dash!” I had no idea what Rarity wanted and I was very happy to just keep moving.

“Ignore her,” I hissed.

Unfortunately, Dash didn’t have my sense of self-respect or self-preservation, and chose to turn around. It was either leave her there and risk losing my alibi or stay and have to deal with this place.

I continued walking.

Until Dash’s mouth shot out and grabbed my wing, jerking me back. “She needs our help,” Dash whispered when she let me go.

I sighed and looked back. Rarity had a very false smile on her face, presumably for the comfort of her date—a rich looking young unicorn stallion who didn’t seem that impressed with the looks of Dash. When he saw me, though, his mouth dropped.

Now, as I’m sure you might be able to imagine, the waiting staff at this place was a little confused by me and Dash. First we walk in, looking like a mismatched pair. Then we try and walk out, only to get stopped. Then we started fiercely arguing in whispers about the merit of helping rescue Rarity from a bad date.

Eventually, one of the serving staff decided to approach us. “Can… I help seat you?” the ridiculous looking pink mare asked. Dash and I stopped arguing and looked at her to find that she was wearing a shitty Cupid costume.

I sighed and shrugged to Dash. “Can we join our friend over there?” she asked, pointing to Rarity.

“Well… We do have double dating tables… I’ll just have to ask them if it’s okay and then we’ll get you seated together!” She happily pranced away.

Dash and I looked at each other. I said, “This is your fault. I want you to remember that.”

“Relax, Nav! I’m sure we can do this.” I can. You… maybe not so much.

She did this to herself, though. The preppy mare led us to the table at which a genuinely smiling Rarity and a shocked random unicorn were now sitting. The chairs in this place were uncomfortably close to one another, as Dash and I discovered when we tried sitting.

“Fancy seeing you two here,” Rarity happily said. “Especially in a place like this! Why, what ever is the occasion?”

Dash looked to me. “Yeah Nav, what’s the occasion?”

God, you ponies suck. I grinned at Rarity and said, “It’s our one year anniversary.” I wrapped an arm around the somewhat confused looking Dash and brought her in close. “Thought I’d bring her someplace… special.” Special is one word I’d use to describe this place. “And who’s this?” I asked, looking to her date. Black coat, blue eyes, grey mane, and a white crescent as a cutie mark. If I had to guess, I’d call him a night guard.

“Graphite, sir!” he answered. “I’ve heard so much about you! I didn’t know Rarity knew you, though.”

I wanted to say something about that, but the waitress came back. “Can I get you something to drink, sir, ma’am?” Rarity and her date already had some kind of shake or something to share.

Dash and I both opened our mouths to answer, but I graciously let her go first. “Berry smoothie.”

The mare nodded. “It’ll be out in a minute!” She then trotted away, a smile on her face.

“…What about me?”

Rarity grinned. “Nav, dates here share drinks.”

Dash’s ears twitched at that. I quietly whispered, “If you give me pony AIDS, I’ll pluck you.”

She answered with, “Bite me.” I reached down and nibbled on her ear. Her face blushed bright red and she pushed me away.

“You two sure are close,” Graphite commented.

“Yep. Shame my Dashie here doesn’t share my love of showing it off.” I knew I was racking up the hate, but her expressions were just so amusing. “So, what do you do?”

He opened his mouth and a string of words came out. I recognized the word banker. Rarity was discreetly grimacing as he spoke. Some time during his monologue, the waitress dropped off the smoothie thing. Three of us used our eyes to silently beg her to ask us for our orders to make the guy shut up. She was too vapid or evil to care, and walked away when she realized he was in the middle of talking.

As soon as he finished, though, the waitress showed up before any of us could say a word. Thankfully, it looked like we didn’t have to share food as well as drinks.

When she walked away, Graphite looked at me with a sycophantic grin. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Sir Navarone, but I never expected to meet you. What’s it like, being so close to the princesses?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but Rarity broke in with, “I need to go to the little mare’s room. Come along, Dash!”

“Why am I going?” she had time to ask before Rarity grabbed her hoof and dragged her off.

The stallion looked rather confused at that. I shrugged and said, “Mares. To answer your question, it sucks.” He gasped. “Having friends in high places often comes with the price of having enemies as well. I’ve been the target of one assassination attempt already.” Though I don’t know if those thugs wanted to kill me or just hurt me. “And to be honest, the princesses aren’t good friends at all. Being on a pedestal for six thousand years removes your ability to empathize well.” I shrugged. “It has its good moments, but there’s a reason I don’t live in Canterlot.”

“I… see? So uh, how do you know Rarity?”

“Met her in Ponyville. I assume you met her at one of the parties here?”

He nodded. “Does she spend a lot of time in Ponyville?”

Hm… Should I fuck Rarity over or help her out here?

I wasn’t expecting an answer, but Flo gave me one anyway: “Help her out, Nav. She’s obviously distressed about this stallion. We don’t know why, but she is.”

“Nah. I met her during one of her infrequent visits.” No reason to tell this guy where she lived. For all I knew, he could be a serial killer.

“Oh… She hasn’t told me that much about herself.”

“Have you tried asking?”

He blinked. “Well… No, actually.”

“There you go. If there’s one thing mares like, it’s talking about themselves.”

I was going to say more, but Rarity and Rainbow Dash rejoined us. “I trust you two are getting along?” Rarity asked us, her eyes clearly saying that she hoped the opposite was true.

I made eye contact with the guy and flicked my eyes to Rarity. He nodded and asked her, “So Rarity, can you tell me more about yourself?” There, maybe that will get him to shut up for a while.

Of course, it just opened the floodgates that are Rarity as she delved into one of her favorite topics.

Dash and I immediately zoned out. I whispered, “So how was your trip to the mare’s room?”

“I am never helping Rarity again,” she answered with a shudder. I don’t know if that shudder was for the horrors she faced in the bathroom or if it was because my hand was gently tweaking her feathers.

Thankfully, despite Rarity’s bad habits and annoying qualities, she is still a lady. So when the food arrived and we began eating, she had to keep her fucking mouth shut while chewing.

The same was not true of Rainbow Dash. When Rarity stopped talking, Dash started going on about the Wonderbolts show we were about to see. It’s interesting how she can make flying in circles sound fun. It wasn’t so interesting how she managed to spray half-chewed food everywhere.

When Rarity gently shut her eyes and lifted a napkin to dab at a piece of broccoli on her face, I figured it was time to stop it. “Dash, maybe you should… tone it down a little.”

I heard Rarity mutter something that sounded like “Understatement…”

Dash looked over her handwork and let out a nervous laugh. “Heheh… Yeah. Sorry, Rarity.”

“It’s quite alright, dear,” Rarity answered with a fake smile.

Now that the floor was clear, Graphite said, “So you two are going to the show as well? The VIP room, I trust?” I nodded, dreading what he was about to say. “Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I suppose now’s as good a time as any.” His horn lit up and two tickets appeared. “Rarity, would you like to go as well?”

“Oh! Er… Yes, of course.” She didn’t sound that excited. I can’t believe ponies are so stupid that they can’t recognize lies at all. She laughed nervously. “I guess we’ll be joining you two.”

“How fun,” I quietly said. As long as we can ditch them after the race, there won’t be any problems. I had been planning on letting Dash just fly home and telling her I would go back after I took care of some business. If Rarity and that random guy came with us, that would be inconvenient.

When we all had finished and were about to leave, the waitress came back by and asked, “Would either of you couples like to join our contest?”

Before I could say no, Dash asked, “What kind of contest?”

The waitress grinned. “A kissing contest. The most passionate kissers of the week get free tickets to one of DJ Pon3’s concerts.” She actually said Pon-three. I wanted to reach over and smack her.

I held my temper and was about to say no, but felt Dash grabbing my shirt and pulling me down. She whispered, “Sorry,” before pressing her face into mine and kissing me.

That lasted nearly ten seconds before the waitress cleared her throat. “Uh… I don’t have the camera yet!”

Dash blinked and pulled away from me, breaking the kiss. “Oh… Heheh… Let us know when you’re ready?”

The waitress smiled and walked off. I looked down at Dash. “What the hell?”

“Sorry Nav, I just really like Vinyl’s concerts.”

I rolled my eyes. “Dash, I can get free tickets to any of Vinyl’s stuff at any time.”

She blinked. “Oh… Heheh, sorry Nav.”

The waitress popped back up with her camera, ready to take the picture. Dash was about to wave her away when I put a hand on each cheek and brought her mouth to mine, forcing my tongue through her surprised lips. She struggled for a second before getting into it and moaning, her tongue twisting with mine. I saw a flash from the waitress and held the kiss for a few more seconds before pulling back from Dash.

She was lightly blushing and had her eyes gently closed and tongue slightly extended. A small strand of spit connected our faces until I broke it. Her wings were twitching, trying not to extend. The waitress had a big smile on. Rarity looked shocked and Graphite looked slightly interested.

“Wow…” the waitress whispered before turning to Rarity and Graphite. “Do you want to enter as well?”

Graphite smiled but Rarity quickly said, “No! No thank you. I’m not… interested in that kind of music.”

Graphite sighed and the waitress shrugged. “Well, everypony knows where Sir Navarone lives. If you two win, we’ll get the tickets to you!”

“Awesome. Thanks, ma’am.” She walked off, humming a happy song. I looked over to make sure Dash was recovered. She was much better than she had been, at least. I put a hand on the top of her head and rubbed at it, grinning. “You ready to go, Dashie?”

She shook herself. “Yeah…”

With lunch done and the bill paid—by me and Graphite, of course—we started walking to the stadium. Personally, I’m not a fan of walking the streets of Canterlot for a number of reasons. One is that I’m famous and tend to get stares. Another is that Luna made them all dream about fucking me, which is just awkward. And finally, I almost got fucking murdered in that city.

Of course, I wouldn’t burden their minds with that. Besides, I’m pretty sure being with a group was enough to discourage anyone that might try anything less than pleasant on me. And if not, throwing knives and night guards materializing out of thin air would.

Graphite and Rarity kept up a conversation as we walked, Dash and I doing our best to stay out of it. Aside from the guy being very talkative and a little bit of a fanboy, I didn’t see any problems with him. I mean, I wouldn’t date him, but I don’t see what Rarity’s problem is.

Hell, with as much as neither would SHUT UP, I figured they were a good match.

When we finally got to the stadium, I think Dash and I were both about ready to strangle someone. Graphite led the way up the staircase on the stands toward the VIP box, thankfully quiet.

The guard at the door to the VIP room gave us all a cursory glance before his horn lit up and he pulled the rope away. We let ourselves in and walked up the short staircase to find a few rich looking fuckers already there. Fancy Pants was one of them. Many of the others were fawning over him.

He looked up when we walked in and smiled when he saw me and Rarity. “Ah, Rarity and Sir Navarone!” The sycophants fawning over him looked up and smiled when they saw Rarity. I made sure that none of them liked me, so they didn’t pay me any mind.

They crowded Rarity, pushing me and Dash away. They tried to push Graphite away as well, but he latched onto Rarity. I just shook my head as Fancy Pants joined us. “I’m surprised to see you here, Nav. Usually my invitations to you go ignored.”

“Not ignored,” I said. “I give them all to Rarity. I’m only here because I need an alibi. If anyone asks, you saw me here and after this I immediately went home.”

“Easy enough to remember. And who is this? I thought you said you had given up on mares.”

“That’s Rainbow Dash, a friend of mine.”

His eyebrows lifted. “The Wonderbolt trainer?”

Both of us jerked back. “I wish!” Dash said. “Who told you that?”

“Why, Rarity of course. Then what do you do, Miss Dash?”

“I’m a weather pony in training to become a Wonderbolt myself. And I’m the only pony to ever do a sonic rainboom!”

“Well, that’s quite a feat. I’m surprised they haven’t snatched you up already. If you two are interested in meeting them, some of them usually come up to the VIP box after a show.”

Dash’s ears perked up and she smiled widely. “Of course we’ll stay!”

“I might not be able to stay for long,” I said. “I have something important I need to do.” It does mean I can just ditch Dash easier, though.

“Just remember,” Fancy said, “you still owe me a sparring match.”

“Yeah, yeah. I would offer to do it now, but I have none of my weapons.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “That’s somewhat surprising. I wouldn’t imagine I’d ever see you without them.”

I shrugged. “It happens. I didn’t figure I’d need them for what I had planned. When’s this show supposed to start, anyway?”

Fancy looked out the window into the stadium. “I’d say now.” We heard an announcer start doing her job. It sounded kind of like Luna but with an accent. We all lined up along the window. Fancy said, “I’ll be rooting for Misty. I’ve heard she’s been doing extra training this season.”

The toadies all nodded, but Dash spoke up, “Nah, Spitfire’ll win this one for sure. Misty has been doing extra training, but that’s only to make up for an injury she got near the end of last season.” Rarity gave Dash a rather knowing smile at that.

Lo and behold, Spitfire won. After about fifteen seconds. “…Is that all?” I quietly asked as the crowd roared. No one in the stands was moving, so I assumed there was more.

Fancy Pants looked over to Dash. “You know the Wonderbolts quite well, Miss Dash. That was a good call.”

Good enough to get her crowded by the group of boring ponies, at least. They all began talking at once, Dash looking rather confused. Rarity took that distraction to stand by me. “I’m terribly sorry for dragging you two into this, Nav. Though I have to say, the two of you make an adorable couple.”

“Don’t push it,” I told her. “After this place, you’re on your own with him. I have business in Canterlot and I’m not dragging him with me.”

She grimaced. “I’ll figure something out. I just didn’t want to face this alone.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. So is that little race all they’re going to do?”

“No, of course not. That was just the opener.”

Dash pushed her way out and jumped behind me. “Help,” she whispered.

I put a hand on her head and rubbed at her ears, smiling. “She’s with me,” I told them. They backed the fuck off and went back around Fancy Pants. They probably would have crowded Rarity, but she was still next to me. “Fucking toadies,” I muttered, turning back to the events outside the window.

The rest of the show was relatively interesting, though not something I’d pay to see. I’ll admit to being impressed, but honestly I don’t enjoy watching things like that. Every time there was a race, Dash correctly guessed the winner. I personally found that rather creepy, but the others apparently didn’t agree.

Either way, when the show finally ended, I figured I had an hour or two before I needed to get to the unicorn tower. All the toadies were talking about something or another amongst themselves. Graphite was still doing his best to attach himself to Rarity. I was talking to Fancy and Dash about knight shit and the war games.

A few of the Wonderbolts walked in during all that. I had no idea who was who, but Rainbow Dash seemed to know them all. She whispered, “Spitfire, Soarin, and High Winds.” I actually did recognize two of them. Spitfire was the pegasus from the Maris tournament and Soarin was the pegasus from the Flankfurt tournament. The third was a random mare with poofy blue hair.

They blinked in surprise when they saw me. Spitfire grinned and said, “Hey big guy, didn’t expect to ever see you at one of these shows.”

I shrugged. “I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about. Gotta say, I’m impressed. Lord knows I couldn’t do what you three can with my shitty wings.”

Soarin smiled. “You may not have good wings, but Celestia are you quick on your feet! And light, too. The only time I knew you were coming at me during the tournament was when you vaulted over me. Then the only thing I saw was a flash before you bolted back down the dark hall.”

“Eh, I gotta get by somehow. Sorry for, you know, cheating like that in both tournaments. I kind of ruined them for everyone else, I think.”

Spitfire waved a hoof. “Nah, it’s cool. Somepony had to win, and it usually isn’t a pony that wins anyway. Hey, I don’t know if you ever caught our names. I’m Spitfire. That big lug is Soarin. This quiet little thing is High Winds.”

I nodded. “Nice to formally meet you all. I’m Navarone. This here’s Rainbow Dash, that’s Fancy Pants, and that mare is Rarity. And that guy is Graphite, I guess. Fuck all if I know the rest.” All of those names were accompanied by gestures.

“We’ve met Rainbow Dash a number of times now.” Dash jerked when Spitfire said her name, a smile forming on her face. “Same for Sir Fancy Pants. Hey, what did everypony think of the show?” There was a mixture of polite clopping and light praise. “That’s always good to hear.” She didn’t sound that happy to hear it, though.

“Used to more boisterous crowds?” I quietly asked as Soarin and High Winds strode up to the small group of rich ponies.

“Something like that,” she answered with a nod. She looked over to Dash. “You know, if you really want to become a Wonderbolt, the academy is opening next spring. We’ll be accepting a lot of new pegasi. With your history, I imagine you’ll have no trouble at all.”

Dash’s grin grew three sizes that day. Seriously, it creeped me out. Spitfire seemed to agree, because she chuckled nervously. “When can I apply?” Dash very quickly asked. “And where?”

“Just send your application to our chapter house in Cloudsdale.”

Dash looked like she was about to go into the whole ‘Omigosh’ thing again, so I broke in before she embarrassed herself. “So what’re the perks to the job?” I asked.

Spitfire grinned. “More bits than you can shake a stick at and all the adoring fans you could want. And I gotta say, these outfits can make a mare look sexy.”

“I’ll say…” I muttered, giving her an appraising look. “If I didn’t have something really important to do soon, I’d ask if you were going to be busy for a while.”

She grinned. “And if you did, I’d say no.” She shrugged. “We might do an event in Ponyville soon, if you’re still interested. Until then, I have fans to attend to. Talk to you later!” She walked out of the VIP box, leaving me and Dash standing there.

“Well, she was nice,” I said, looking down at Dash, who was looking at me with horror. “What?”

“Did… did you just… proposition Spitfire?”

“Yeah. Looks like she was interested, too. Shame I have somewhere to be. I need to tell Rarity something and then we can leave.”

“…Yeah…” She sounded too shocked to say much else.

I walked over to the bored looking Rarity. She perked up when she saw me approaching and met me halfway, away from her date. “Hey marshmallow, I gotta go. Dash is probably leaving with me. We’ll take you with us if you think that guy is a serial killer or something.”

“No, he eats eggs… But you are not going to leave me alone with him. Give me just one moment and I’ll be along.”

I shrugged and went back to Dash. “We’ll be going shortly, hopefully.”

She snapped out of her stupor. “Nav, can I ask a huge favor?”

I shrugged. “Nothing stopping you from asking.”

“If you do… that with Spitfire, think you can get me in on it?”

“I can ask. No promises. That’s assuming either of us remember or if I ever see her again.”

Rarity joined us at the perfect time. “Come on, let’s go.” She nervously looked behind her. “Quickly.”

I led the way out and away from the mostly empty stands. We stayed quiet until we got out of the stadium entirely. That’s when Dash turned to Rarity and said, “So what’s the big deal, anyway? What was so bad about that stallion?”

“What was so bad? What was so bad?! Did you see his tuxedo? Horrible! He has no fashion sense at all! And all he did was talk and talk with no consideration for me at all. It was only after we left him alone with Nav that he even thought to ask a thing about me. That’s not even talking about his choice of venue! Did you see that restaurant? That’s a place for teenagers, not mares! And especially on the first date! The nerve of that stallion…”

Dash and I shared a look. We both rolled our eyes. I said, “Well, this is the part where I leave you two. I have business to take care of.”

Rarity and Dash both scoffed. “Where you go, I go,” Rarity said. “I will not risk bumping into that stallion without you.”

Dash nodded and said, “I signed my entire day away for this trip. Besides, I always wanted to see what kind of business you get into when you’re not in Ponyville. You always come back with the most awesome stories!”

“I’m also interested,” a third voice said as Fancy Pants stepped out of an alley. We all jumped at his voice. “I apologize for the scare. I always try to get away from those insufferable ponies after a show. I mentioned having business to discuss with you and they quickly found someplace else to be. And then I remembered you mentioning you needed an alibi, which means that I’m quite interested in what you’re up to.”

I quickly grinned. “Now now, what I’m up to is none of your concerns. It’s private, is all.”

Fancy grinned, rubbing a hoof under his chin. “I wonder what the princesses would say when I told them that you had some private business in Canterlot that you wanted them not to know about.”

I narrowed my eyes, the smile dropping. “Fine. None of the three of you can tell anyone about what I’m going to do. Let’s go.”

I spun about and began walking to the gates out of town. Dash quickly hopped up next to me, Fancy and Rarity falling in behind me. “So where we going, Nav?” Dash asked.

“Unicorn tower. I asked them to research something for me. They told me they had a breakthrough. I’m hoping that means what I think it means.”

“…What do you think it means?”

“That I’m going home.”

She stopped, getting Fancy Pants to bump into her. Then she jumped in front of me. “What?!”

“Temporarily.” Probably. “Now let’s go.”

She huffed and rejoined my side. “You better come back,” she warned. “If you abandon Taya like that, we’ll find a way to get to you.”

I had no intention of abandoning her on purpose, of course. What we intend and what happens is not always the same, though.

“I always did want to visit the tower,” Rarity said after a few minutes of walking. “Twilight goes on about it sometimes. I admit, she makes it sound extraordinary.”

“It is,” Fancy said. “Unicorns from all walks of life go there to learn and commit themselves to magic of all kinds. Most become masters in their craft and move on into the world to either teach or practice, but some dedicated ponies stay there all their lives to learn more and more. But to open a portal between dimensions… That is powerful magic. Navarone, why don’t you want the princesses knowing about this?”

“Because they would stop me.” Probably. “If it is possible to go home, I will. Imagine being ripped from your life, your family, with no chance to say goodbye. Imagine how they feel about that, let alone me. I owe them an explanation of what happened.”

He shrugged. “My lips are sealed, Navarone.”

Dash bumped against me. “You already know I won’t tell anypony if you don’t want me to. If the princess doesn’t ask, it’s not lying.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Rarity added when she realized the other two were staring at her. That was easier than I thought.

“So Navarone,” Fancy said, “tell me about your world.”

“It’s like this one, but with about six billion more people, with all the consequences that involves. We have more technology than you can possibly imagine. It’s alright, though there are a bunch of stupid jerks. I don’t think you’d fit in well, though.”

He shrugged. “Maybe not, but I wouldn’t mind visiting anyway. I would like to see some of that ‘technology.’ I wonder if it would be a match for magic.”

“My money is on yes. Given the choice between science and technology versus magic, I’d pick science every day. I’m pretty sure most humans would.”

Dash scoffed. “I still want to see those planes that go faster than I do. I won’t believe it until then.”

“If I do go back, I’m going to do my best to bring some stuff back with me. Hopefully I’ll be able to.” Like a laptop with a fuckton of music and ebooks, a solar charger, a pack of pens, some mechanical pencils with a shitload of lead, and a few other things.

The conversation devolved into Dash imagining what she would do if she had a load of tech, though she got a number of details incredibly wrong. Although if I somehow ended up in the future of when I left, we might have giant robots.

When we got to the tower, Dash and Rarity looked up at it in awe. I put my ring on and the other three were given a number of protection spells. I wasn’t really paying much attention as we walked up the blackened path to the tower. I was quite excited about the prospect of going home.

Flo whispered, “Nav, if you do get back home, there is a good chance I will not be able to speak. I want you to know that if your wings get seen and you end up in a lab or something, they will probably find signs of me in your blood. I will do my best to stay hidden, but I don’t know how well that will work.”

That’s not a bad thing, though. I’ve had a lot of weird shit done to me. Why would it matter if they find you?

“It is just a warning. I know your blood is very different and that will probably be enough to throw them off my scent. If they mention anything strange, that is why.”

I’ll keep that in mind. When we got inside, the same secretary was sitting at the front desk.

She smiled when she saw me. “Oh, Sir Navarone! And you brought friends this time. I trust you’re here for the experiment?”

“The one I wanted researched, yes. When is it?”

“Oh, about half an hour. If you’ll follow me over to the teleportation pad, we can get you into the Orb in no time.”

My eyebrows lifted. “We’re going up there?”

“Well, of course! If this experiment works, it will be the first sanctioned attempt at traversing time. And over such a long period… Why, I imagine everything about this will go down in the history books.”

“Well… That’s interesting to hear, I suppose.” Just as long as no one learns about it until it’s too late. “So can you send us on up?”

“Yep. Come on over.” She led the way to the teleportation pad, Rarity and Dash looking around in wonder at the place.

“So why can’t we just fly there?” Dash asked.

“No fly zone,” the pegasus secretary answered. “Nopony can fly over the tower unless they’re doing a sanctioned experiment. We’ve taken down dragons before as they tried to fly over.”

Dash let out a low whistle. “Wow. Sounds like you can put up quite an obstacle course…”

I knew the look she had. “No, Dash. I don’t think there was much left of that dragon when they removed it from the air. It’s not worth trying.”

She sighed. “Fiiiiine. I guess seeing the biggest spell of all time is cool too.”

We all got to the pad and the secretary smiled up at me. “I’ll see you soon, I hope,” she said before saying, “Orb.” She pulled the lever and we teleported up.

Rarity sighed. “Nav, do you rut every mare you meet? Surely I’m not the only one to notice this!”

Dash grinned. “He hasn’t rutted me yet! Heheh, what does that say about you, Rarity?”

I grinned and stepped off the pad, walking to the unicorn guards at the double doors. “We’re here for the experiment,” I said.

They looked me up and down. “We need to test if you’re a changeling.”

I pulled out a hidden throwing knife and slashed my hand open. As soon as they saw the blade, they jerked back, ready to attack. When they saw what I was doing, they just gave me a bored look. “Sir, we had an easier way to do that,” one said.

I shrugged. “It worked. Test the others.”

Their horns lit up and rays of light shot out to hit the others. Nothing happened. “Very well, you may proceed,” one said, the doors opening automatically.

We let ourselves in. There was a sign in front of us that had directions. Two offices were on either side of the tunnel we just stepped into. I narrowed my eyes as I looked at the map. This place is a copy of the Ministry of Truth in Morrowind. Holy hell. I mean, that was my first thought when I saw it floating up like it was, but to have it confirmed? Fucking ponies, man.

I followed my memories, letting it take me to what should have been a prison cell but was instead a large hollowed area where they presumably cast spells of titanic proportions.

Rarity was talking to whoever was listening about how the barren rock walls were boring, but not unsalvageable.

Dash whispered so only we could hear, “Hey Nav, do you… think I could go with you?”

“No. It’s enough of a risk for me to go at all, with my wings. I’m not bringing a pony.” She sighed, but didn’t try to fight it.

I got the first look at the hollow chamber. Every single inch of the walls was covered in glowing sigils and glyphs, each presumably for protection. The floor was perfectly white stone that looked like marble. Engraved into it with fire was a massive polygon that slowly shifted its shape as I watched it. The smell of incense and spell ingredients hung heavily in the air. A large circle of unicorns stood around the polygon, each of their horns glowing and chants coming from their lips. Upon each face was a look of intense concentration as they pooled their magic together for one ultimate spell.

As soon as we walked in, the unicorn from the temporal mechanics room met us by the door. He whispered, “Good to see you here. We have no idea how far back this spell will send you, so we’ll use a few spells on you beforehand so that you’ll be able to speak whatever language is there and breathe the atmosphere. Everypony in the room is going to get both spells, because this spell… This isn’t your average spell. Anything in that polygon will be torn from time and hurled backwards in time, while anything in the spot you arrive in will be torn and hurled forward. It’s entirely possible we’ll hit a city and bring back ten other humans. The spell should wear off in a week. IF… If it succeeds at all. Sir Navarone, are you absolutely certain you want to do this?”

“Hell yes. Do I just stand in the circle?”

He nodded. “If you have any items you want to leave behind,” he nodded at a box on a table next to the doors, “put them in there and place your ho—hand on the top. It will seal it so that only you can open it.”

I walked over to it and put my ring inside. I closed it, put my hand on the top, and took a very deep breath. It’s finally happening. I nodded and walked over to the circle, doing my best to walk as quietly as possible. When I stood in the center, I gently pulled my pack up and took out my jacket, throwing it over my shoulders.

Let’s do this.

Of course, it’s never as simple as that. As the chick downstairs said, they were planning on starting in half an hour. Everything up until then was just the preliminary. That meant I was standing in the middle of a shifting polygon with chanting unicorns all around me for thirty minutes. It was kind of boring, and the excitement I felt made the time flow very slowly.

Finally, the chanting began to increase in volume and the light from the horns fully lit up the room. I found myself smiling as the time seemed to speed up, something finally happening. Five minutes sped by, the unicorns still channeling power.

Finally, something happened. Not something momentous or extraordinary or any kind of wonderful.

Something terrible.

The screaming began. I jerked my head to the door to find the tentacle beast from before fighting the guards, with Rarity, Dash, and Fancy Pants backing away toward the circle.

Several unicorns flinched at the noise, their horns spiking in light as their chanting suddenly stopped. I saw a number of fluctuations in light as the spell seemed to unravel around me. My eyes went wide as the monster threw one of the guards into the ground in front of Rarity, making the three of them turn tail and bolt right toward me.

I held up my hands to stop them, because I’m pretty sure at this point I was fucked. Right as soon as they pushed through the unicorn wall into the polygon, the spell imploded.

A note from—You know who I am.

Flash back five minutes, to the point right when the unicorns started picking up the spell. I was watching—of course I was watching, I had to make sure they didn’t succeed. If those fools knew what they were attempting, if they knew the consequences...

They did not.

I was using my magic to cancel theirs, siphoning their spell energy into nothingness.

I was too focused on their efforts—and too far away, trying to guide an effort in a room with enough wards to give even me trouble—to see the true danger. It wasn’t until I felt the spike of fear that I knew what was happening.

My concentration was shattered for one little second.

It was time enough for my oldest enemy to work. Random chance…

I imagine they could hear my rampage all the way from Canterlot. When my anger was spent—and Trixie was horrified beyond all belief—I sat and thought, something I told myself I would never do again.

I thought back to the time before the Incident, to the time of Man.

And I remembered. I remembered the cause of what I did.

As I cried for the first time in my very long life, I finally realized that I was the cause of my greatest mistake.

With a flash of lightning, we were no longer in the chamber. We reappeared in a barren clearing, three feet into the ground on all sides of the polygon, snow and dirt forming a wall all around us. Glad I brought the coat... I could see roots cut clean in half where they were bisected by the spell.

Dash had been flying when we teleported. As soon as we appeared, she tumbled to the ground, unable to keep in the air. Rarity was panting and wide-eyed, trying to look all around her for the monster. Fancy Pants was trying to regain his composure.

I was fucking pissed.

“My. One. Chance. GONE! FUCK!” I sank to the soft ground. “I just… wanted to go home. Was that so much to ask?” Rarity said something, but I wasn’t listening. I held up a hand to silence her, hearing something infinitely more important. Something I hadn’t heard since… “Car. Nobody move.”

I grabbed my pack and vaulted out of the pit, running in the direction of the sound. I heard some movement behind me, but I zoned it out, concentrating on finding any signs of a road. Soon, I found it: A long black road stretching to two curves in the forest around us.

I knelt down, listening for the car. It’s coming toward me, I think. Here’s hoping courtesy exists whenever we are.

When I saw it coming closer, I stood on the side of the road and held out my thumb, hoping the person inside would be kind enough to stop. Joy of joys, he was. The strange looking car slowed to a stop right in front of me before the old man inside opened his door and stepped out.

“Jesus, boy!” he said, looking me up and down. “When was the last time you ate? You run away from home or something?”

God dammit. I had forgotten how short I was. I probably looked like a fucking teenager. “Not quite. Can I use your phone?”

He looked at my gaunt cheeks again. “Boy, get in the car. You need to eat.”

I shook my head. “I have… some friends here. I can’t leave them.”

“My car is bigger than it looks, kid. If they’re in as bad a shape as you, bring them here and I’ll get them all something to eat.”

“That would not end well. Look, please just let me use your phone. I can make it worth your while.”

He ran a hand through his greying hair. “Alright. You stand right there and call whoever you need to call. I’ll be listening. Keep whatever money you got, though.” He pulled out a very futuristic phone from his pocket. “You know how to use one of these?”

I shook my head. “I’ve… been away for a while.”

He rolled his eyes. “And they called me old fashioned when I got this thing. What’s the number?”

Here’s hoping this guy still has his number. I rattled one off that I barely remembered. “That area code’s in Texas, ain’t it?” he asked as he passed me the phone.

“Yeah.” I put it up to my ear, listening to the dial tone.

“How the hell did you wind up in Maryland?”

“Long story.” I heard someone pick up the phone. “John?” I hopefully said.

“…Yeah?”

“It’s…” I almost said Navarone. “Anonymous. I need to cash in on that favor.”

“Holy shit, Anon? I haven’t heard from you in years! How’s it going, man?”

“Badly. That’s why I need the favor. Do you still own that horse ranch?”

“No. I thought you heard. I sold that fucker twenty years ago.” Twenty years?!

“Holy… What year is it?”

“You alright, man?”

“…Yeah. Listen, can you get a horse trailer to Maryland?”

“Anon, are you on drugs?”

“Look, I know it’s a lot to ask. I can make it worth your while. But you fucking owe me.”

“That was forty years ago, and an accident to boot!”

“Bitch, you fucking shot me!”

He sighed. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do. Where do I need to get it?”

“Hold on.” I looked up at the old man. “What’s the nearest exit?”

He smiled. “Kid, I don’t think you know how lost you are. There’s nothing in twenty miles either way.”

“I’ll be fine. What’s the nearest exit?”

“Look, I can let you stay at my place until your friend gets here. Is that okay?”

I sighed. “Fine. What’s the address?” He told me and I relayed it to John.

“Shit…” he said. “I can be there in three days.”

“Can you make it two?” I asked.

“No. You’re lucky everyone’s off for Christmas or I couldn’t come at all. Now I need to go set this up. I’ll talk to you later, Anon.”

He hung up before I could say anything. I took a look at the phone, seeing a date. Thirty-five years. Shit, son. I passed it back to the old man. “Are you religious?” I asked him.

His eyes went up to my hair. “I’m about to hear something very strange, aren’t I?”

“What makes you think that?”

He sighed, leaning against his car. “Kid, I can take one look at your eyes and know you aren’t human.” …I knew I was forgetting something. “Having your hair turn white in front of my eyes is just confirmation. So what are you?”

I sighed and grabbed the edge of my jacket before pulling it off, stretching my wings out. His mouth just dropped. “I take it you recognize me now,” I said, folding my wings and putting my jacket back on. “Needless to say, I would ask that you stay silent about me and my friends. Again, I can make it very worth your while.”

His mouth was working, but nothing was coming out. Finally, he let out a strangled, “How?”

“They all say that. Can I count on your help, and your silence?”

He took a deep breath before nodding. “Yes sir. Just… my family might not be so accepting.”

“You got sunglasses?” He woodenly nodded. “I’m a blind beggar you found on the road. I assume if you live out here, you have a place my friends can hide?”

“Yes sir… But who are your friends?”

I looked into the woods and saw them watching from the shadows. I waved them forward. Fancy Pants was the first to move, taking a stance in front of Rarity and Rainbow Dash as they all walked out. Thankfully, one of them had the sense to tell Fancy and Rarity to lose the clothes.

I’ll admit, I was tempted to leave the three of them behind. If I didn’t have to deal with them, I could get a bus and ride down to Texas and find my family that way. But since I wasn’t going to be here long and I had a favor to cash in anyway…

I looked back to the old man to see that he had fallen to his knees, a hand over his heart. “My God,” he was whispering over and over. It felt kind of bad to be using religion to get help from this guy, but on the other hand, I really didn’t want to end up in a government lab. I figured letting him think I was an angel would work.

Rarity opened her mouth, but I quickly lifted my hand to mine, hopefully getting her to not say a word. She seemed to get the message and closed it again.

“These are my friends,” I told him, walking over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “As I said, there’s a reason I wanted silence. I imagine that there are a few parties that would be very interested in having us. And there is one almighty party that desires us to be free until our job is complete.”

He licked his lips nervously, still looking at the ponies. “Why… why are you here, if you are needed in Texas?”

“I have heard a phrase from some of the younger souls, as they come off the mountain of Purgatory. The lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe you were meant to find us, to help us.”

His nervousness vanished. “Of course! Thank you, o lord, for the chance to serve!” The ponies were suitably confused by that, but with a shake of my head I got them to look somewhat unconcerned. “Come, I’ve kept you all in the cold for too long.”

He walked over to the driver’s side of the sedan and opened his door. I walked over to the ponies and quietly said, “Follow my orders. Do not talk. Do not ask questions. Do not use magic, if you even can. Come.” I led them to the back door and opened it up. “It’ll be a tight fit, but you can manage.” Dash gave me a flat look. “Get. In.” She rolled her eyes and hopped in, scooting as far over as she could. Thankfully, it had a flat seat. Rarity went next.

Fancy was last. He whispered, “I hope you know what you’re doing, old boy,” before joining the other two. It was, as I said, a tight fit, and the car was rather off balanced. I closed the door and got in the front seat.

“Never thought I’d sit in a car again,” I sighed as I put the seatbelt on.

“What’s Heaven like?” the old man suddenly asked as he turned the car on.

“Depends on who you ask. Me, it’s business as usual. A human soul, though? I’ve watched poets become speechless. Human words simply can’t describe it. You’re used to this place, this dull Earth. The differences are infinite.”

“…And hell?”

I sighed. “Humans aren’t supposed to pity those that go to hell. They had their chance and they wasted it.” I closed my eyes, turning my head away. “We have no such compunctions. I pity my lost brothers and sisters and I pity the humans that rot with them.”

We drove in silence for some time after that. “What’s… God like?”

“He is a father and all humans are his children. He is the most perfect father you can imagine. Where are the sunglasses?”

“Glove box. They aren’t the best, but they’ll do.”

I pulled them out and put them on. “It’s strange. Normally when I’m sent on a mission, I don’t have to worry about showing off who I am. I also don’t usually have to worry about any lesser celestial beings traveling with me. Something big must be happening that I wasn’t informed of.”

“Whatever you need help with, Eustace is your man,” he told me. I assumed his name was Eustace. “Muriel will probably worry over you as soon as you step in the door.” Don’t tell me they have a dog named Courage. “No offense, sir, but you don’t look that healthy.”

“I look that way for a reason. What better way to gain help from kind mortals than by letting them think I am helpless? It worked on you, did it not?”

“…I suppose it did. The lord does work in mysterious ways…”

There was so much I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t without showing my ignorance and lack of divinity. I didn’t think it would matter that much, but I wasn’t going to take a chance.

He asked, “So what are these three horse-like things?”

“Two unicorns and a pegasus,” I answered. “They prefer the term ponies. They’re quite intelligent and rather even-tempered. I won’t need any food, but they probably will.”

He smiled, looking in the rear-view mirror at them. “This sounds silly, but can they talk?”

“Of course no—”

“Yes,” Rarity answered.

Eustace jerked the fucking wheel and slammed on the brakes. Thankfully, we were on a backcountry road in the middle of nowhere, so no one was coming.

“You had one job, Rarity! Eustace, calm the fuck down. If you send us into a snow drift, I do not want to pull this car out.”

She sniffed. “Well excuse me.”

“Fancy, if you want to practice some domestic abuse, I’m looking the other way. Dash is too. Eustace, are you okay?”

He was taking deep breaths, looking in the mirror. “I’m… I’m good. That’s just about too much for this old heart to take, is all. What about the other two?”

I sighed. “Cat’s out of the bag. Eustace, meet Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fancy Pants. If you ask about the names, I’ll smite you. Ponies, say hi.”

“I’m terribly sorry for scaring you,” Rarity said with a smile. “I’m Rarity.”

Fancy went next. “Thanks for the help, old chap,” he said. “I’m Fancy Pants.”

“Dude, that was awesome!” Dash said, presumably meaning the part where he jerked the wheel and tried to kill us. “Oh, and I’m Rainbow Dash, best flier anywhere!”

Eustace took one more deep breath before nodding. “Hello. I’m Eustace MacCraig. Sorry for the scare, there… It’s been an interesting day.”

“Excellent,” I said, nodding. “Now let’s get back to moving before a very well-meaning cop discovers us and finds out things he shouldn’t.”

“Yes sir.” Eustace maneuvered the car back around so we could get back to driving before taking off. “So what’s flying like?” he asked when we were again moving.

Dash smiled. “It’s a load of fun, especially when you start going really fast! Not that Nav here would know anything about that.”

“Nav?” he asked, eyeing me askance. “I don’t remember that name from the Bible.”

“And if everything in the Bible was true, then God was the worst tyrant to ever exist,” I answered. “Contrary to popular belief, the greatest trick Satan ever did was not convincing people he didn’t exist, it was whispering deceit into the minds of those that copied the lord’s word. Besides, you don’t expect billions of angels to be named in that document, do you?” This religious talk is getting annoying.

“Well… No. If the lord knew his holy word was tainted, why didn’t he have it fixed?”

“Faith. Would He have allowed the devil to corrupt His word with no reason? If the document was perfect, there would be no reason to believe, for all would know. Worshipping him is a choice, and there is no choice between a fact and a lie.”

“That… makes sense, actually.”

I smiled. “Good.” Now if only it made sense to me.

A few minutes later he began slowing down. “Sir, if we explain the situation to my wife and kids, we can probably convince them not to say anything.”

“I won’t take that chance. If it would truly be a bother for me to stay in the house with you and them, I can stay hidden with my friends. I can sit immobile for days at a time if I need to.” Though that was with Flo in my head. It might be harder now.

“They’ll be fine. But your friends need to get out now.” He began pulling over off to the side. I could barely see an old abandoned building out in the woods. “They can take shelter in there until your friend shows up.”

I pulled myself out of the car and opened the door for Fancy Pants. “Take care of them,” I said, helping him out. “There shouldn’t be any snakes this time of year, but there might be spiders or some poisonous bugs. I’ll see what I can do about keeping you three fed.”

He nodded, turning to help the other two out. “We’ll be fine, Sir Navarone. And for what it’s worth… I’m sorry for ruining this for you.”

“Sorry won’t give me another chance. Make sure Rarity keeps her fucking mouth shut when we meet the next person.” I got a glare for that but I didn’t care. “Hopefully he’ll be here in three days. Keep away from the road unless I come for you.”

He nodded. “Yes sir. Come along, you two.” He herded Rarity and Dash into the woods. I followed them up to the edge to grab a long stick before walking back to the car and getting back in.

“Who ever heard of a blind man without a cane?” I asked to Eustace’s confused look. He grinned before pulling up a few hundred feet further and turning down a side road that turned out to be a driveway. He stopped the car in front of a nice looking house that already had six other cars around it. We sat in silence for a moment before I said, “I have to thank you for doing this, Eustace.” I reached into a pocket and grabbed one of my coin pouches, pulling two bits out. “I know the price of gold is probably different from the last time I was here, but this should be more than enough to cover whatever we use.”

He took the bits, wide-eyed. He looked at one of them, turning it over in his hands. “Sun and moon?” he asked.

“Usually we’re given local money, but it appears that whatever screw-up brought the three ponies with me also extended to my money. If I had to guess, I’d say that was either Aztec or Egyptian money. Either way, it should be worth a fortune. Now, are you ready?”

“Yes sir.” We stepped out of the car. I held my makeshift cane up to try to get a feel for it. He stepped around to the back of his car and popped his trunk. I heard rustling bags and saw him pulling out groceries.

“You need help?” I asked.

“And ask a blind man to carry my groceries? There’s not much, just a few things we needed for Christmas.”

I shrugged and followed him up to the door, holding my cane out in front of me as I hoped a blind person did, using it to feel the ground. When we got to the porch, I used the hand rail, happy to have one for the first time in four years. I mean, why have one if most of the population doesn’t have hands?

He opened the door and we let ourselves in. I gently kicked it shut behind me. “Muriel?” he called. “I’m home. And we have another guest.”

An old woman bustled out of a side hallway, the smell of cooking following her. “Took you lo—Hello.” She stopped when she saw me. “And who are you?” she asked in a kind tone.

“Michael, ma’am,” I answered with a nod in her direction. “I hope you don’t mind, but your husband decided to help me out until a friend can get here for me.”

“I… see.” Her eyes went to my cane and then to my very bony and gaunt hand. “Oh, you’re so… skinny…” I didn’t comment. “Well, I don’t like that he just took you in like this without asking us, but I’m sure he had a very good reason.” She narrowed her eyes and looked over at the old man. “He better have.” She looked back at me, the somewhat happy look back. “Thankfully, we have plenty of room. Come, leave that stick at the door and I’ll introduce you to the rest of the family.”

“Well, I would leave it, but I don’t really want to bump into anything,” I answered.

Her eyes shot up to my sunglasses and she blushed. “Oh, I see—er, I mean… Oh lordy…”

I grinned. “It’s okay, ma’am. Any words at this point that aren’t ‘give me everything you have’ are more kindness than I’m used to.”

She sighed. “Well, let me at least get your coat…”

“I’d rather keep it, ma’am,” I quickly said. “The robbers… didn’t exactly leave me with much. Just this bag and what I have on.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “It’s a wonder anyone can get along at all these days… Robbing a blind young man… Well, come on, then. I’ll introduce you to the others. Eustace, you put those groceries in the kitchen and join us.” She walked up to me and gently took my hand in hers. “Just follow me, Michael.” She pulled me back down the way she came. I trailed behind her, trying to act like a blind person and hopefully doing a good enough job to fool her. “So where are you from?”

“Texas, ma’am. I’ve been traveling for so long I don’t remember much about it, though.”

“I see. We’re turning a corner now.” She led me into a big dining room with a very long and rather full table. The muted conversation stopped when we walked in. “Everybody, this is Michael. He’ll be staying with us for a few days.”

One middle-aged man stood up and walked over to me. “Michael, is it?” he said.

“Yes sir,” I answered, not looking directly at him.

“It’s not polite to look away from people when you’re talking to them, boy,” he said.

Muriel jerked back, but before she could say anything, I answered, “I’ve been told that. But when you don’t see anything when you’re looking, it seems more of a pointless nicety.”

He nodded. “Welcome to the MacCraig family.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Come on, let’s find you a place.” He started pulling me down the table. “So where you from and where you going?” he asked.

“Texas. Hopefully going back to Texas. Mister Eustace was kind enough to offer to let me stay until a friend can come and get me.”

“What brings you all the way out here?” he asked as he pulled out a chair for me.

“Some people with less than scrupulous morals,” I said as I was helped into a chair. “Thank you. I was given the option of getting in a car or being given a new hole to breathe through. I chose to go for a ride. When I was politely asked to get out, I was out several hundred dollars, along with almost everything I had.”

He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. “That’s a right shame. I can’t imagine who would… Well, you’re here now. Guess God really does look after the blind.”

“And I thank Him for it,” I said as Eustace walked in.

“I hope everyone’s ready to eat,” he said as he walked to the head of the table. “Shall we say grace?” You know, I honestly didn’t even notice the fucking feast in front of me. I guess I’m a better blind guy than I give myself credit for.

We all joined hands, the very cute girl next to me smiling as she took mine. Eustace said a very nice prayer that I didn’t really pay much attention to. When he finished and the food started getting passed around, some teenager asked me, “So why would a blind kid travel alone? Isn’t that just asking for trouble?”

“To prove I can,” I answered. “And I’m not a kid, just very short.”

He muttered something, probably because the guy that was sitting next to me was glaring at him. “Don’t mind him,” he said. “You got any stories to tell?”

“Most of my stories are either not suitable for dinner conversation or something that would be better suited for kids… Unless you mean personal stories. Tales of a blind man stumbling about in the world aren’t that interesting, trust me.”

“I’m a kid at heart,” he answered with a shrug.

I grinned. “Then let me tell you some tales of Navarone, knight of a forgotten land…”

Dinner was pretty awesome, and eating duck and turkey for the first time in years was even better. It’s a shame it was ruined by the door being kicked in. I immediately shot to my feet and bolted that way, beating everyone else in the family to the main hall. I saw black-clad people with long guns and respirators.

Oh fuck me. I turned and bolted the other way, hearing yelling behind me. I got to the end of the hall and ran into two more of the troops. The guns pointed straight at me and I knew it was over.

“Hands up,” one of them ordered. I slowly put them in the air. “Now turn around and start walking back where you came from.” I did as he ordered, slowly moving down the hall. The other two troops were aiming their guns into the dining room, probably daring anyone to move. When I got to them, one of them grabbed me and pushed me into the dining room.

I turned to face them. “You’re making a mistake,” I said.

“We know exactly what we’re doing,” one of them answered. It sounded like a woman. “Sunglasses off.”

I gave her a disarming grin. “You wouldn’t deny a blind man a comfort, would you?”

Her gun pointed right at me. “I suggest you start doing as I say. Take off your sunglasses.” After a moment of thought, I sighed and pulled them off, showing her my cat-like eyes. She nodded at seeing them. “Now the jacket.”

“Come on, lady!” She flipped off the safety. I sighed and slipped it off, spreading my wings. “I don’t suppose you’ll let a servant of the lord do his work in peace, would you?”

“I would not. You can come quietly or we can make you come. The choice is yours.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’ll regret this.”

“I have to die first. Get moving.”

I looked over my shoulder at the family that was now very shocked and confused. “Your kindness will be remembered. And thank you, Eustace. Tell no one I was here.”

He nodded. “Yes sir. We’ll stay quiet.”

I slowly walked up to and past the woman with the gun, it trailing me the entire way. If I thought fighting back would have done anything, I would have stabbed her with one of my hidden knives. As it was, I had a feeling trying to fight would get my shit wrecked and it might hurt some of the nice family behind me. So I just kept walking in silence until I was outside.

There were more troops outside. As soon as I stepped out, their guns jerked up at me. I started to stretch my wings because they had been cramped in the jacket, but a gloved hand grabbed one and wrenched it down. “You try and fly away,” the woman said, “I’ll break them.” I lowered my other wing and she let me go. “Keep walking.” I did. The troops herded me to a large black troop transport. She stopped me right before I stepped inside. “Turn around.” I did. “Why did you need a horse trailer?”

I very quickly thought of a lie. “Do you know how uncomfortable it is to sit in a car with these things?”

“This is your one warning. If you lie to me again, I will shoot one of your wings. I’m interested in seeing what color ‘angel’ blood is. Why did you need the horse trailer?”

I focused in on my throwing knives, tensing myself to move. “I told you why.” The gun angled to my left wing and that’s when I moved. I twisted my body and brought a hand to my sleeve, pulling out a knife. Her gun went off and a bullet slammed into the edge of my wing before she tried to correct her aim and bring her rifle to bear on me. I had my knife out before she could get it up and slammed it through her jacket armor into her arm, leaving it there and drawing another. The other troops were quickly spreading around me and trying to get a shot as I grabbed the soldier by her rifle and pulled her to me, putting my knife against her neck.

“You move, she dies,” I said, slowly backing the two of us into the troop transport. They all stopped. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, but by God, I fucking will.”

“I suggest you let me go,” the woman I was holding said.

“I know this is a bad idea, you don’t have to tell me,” I whispered.

“There’s a man standing behind you with a gun to the back of your head,” she said. I heard the hammer pull back on a pistol.

“Let her go,” an older voice said. “We will not hurt you if you do.” Now I remember why I hated this place. I let her go and pushed her back. “The knife, if you would?” I sighed and let it fall, holding my hands up. The woman bent down and grabbed my knife, holding it with her noninjured arm. “Turn around. I want to look at your face.” I did as he said and saw an old white guy that looked sort of like my grandfather dressed in a suit. He very slowly nodded. “I wouldn’t believe it if I couldn’t see it…” he whispered. “What is your name?”

As I was staring down the barrel of a .45, I considered my options. Eventually, I said, “Anonymous, Navarone, Michael. Take your pick.”

He decocked his gun before putting it in a holster. “When my old friend called me and said someone was pretending to be me, I didn’t believe him at first. But when our satellite showed us what you were, my organization deemed it important to investigate. Your three pony friends should be apprehended by now, unless they put up more of a fight than you did. Speaking of which…” His eyes went to my holey wing. “I suppose we should look at that. Are you going to continue to try resisting, or are you ready to go quietly?”

“Stop pointing guns at me and I’ll play nice.”

He looked at all the troops and waved his hands down. I heard the woman say, “You sure, dad? He fucking stabbed me.”

The old man grinned. “You were threatening to shoot him. I say it’s somewhat fair. You, Anonymous, do you have any more weapons on you?”

“Yes. A strip of throwing knives across my chest.”

“Well… I imagine you’re already cold. Take them off quickly and get your shirt back on and then we’ll look at that wound.” I pulled a hand inside my shirt and unbuckled the strip of knives before taking them out and throwing them on the ground. “I suppose that is one way to do it. Jessica, if you would?”

She sniffed. “Medic, front and center.” I turned to the group of soldiers and saw someone with a red cross band on his arm coming over. “Patch up his wing. And then see to my arm.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “My blood is not normal and I barely feel pain. I’ll be fine.”

The medic looked to Jessica. “Follow your orders, medic,” she said.

He shrugged and turned to me. “On your knees, angel.” I rolled my eyes and knelt down for him. I heard him digging through a medic bag before pulling something out. “This will sting.” He sprayed something over my wing and I felt it start taking effect. “I would just use synthskin, but over feathers?” I felt an ungloved hand wrap around the top of the wing, holding it steady as a bandage rolled around it. “It’ll do for now,” he said before walking over to the girl. “Your arm?”

I stopped paying attention as I stood. I was instead watching a few troops escorting the three ponies out of the woods. Dash was on Fancy’s back, presumably knocked clean out. They walked over to the transport. The lead soldier saluted. “Blue one tried to fight, ma’am,” he said before dropping the salute.

Fucking Rainbow Dash. “Is she still alive?” the woman asked.

“Yes ma’am. She should wake up some time later with a killer headache.”

“Good. Everybody load up! We gotta get to the airship in twenty unless you feel like waiting out here in the boonies for twenty-three hours.”

The soldiers quickly loaded up, forcing me and the ponies to the front of the transport. The four of us ended up stuck in the middle, all the other seats full. “What is going on?” Rarity hissed at me.

I was about to answer when that bitch spoke up, “No talking!” I rolled my eyes and did my best to brace myself as the truck picked up speed.

I didn’t know where we were going or what we were doing. I saw my knives being passed around by the troops. I don’t know if they were planning on keeping them as trophies or if they just wanted to look them over.

After nearly an hour, the back of the transport finally clanged open. The restraints on the troops lifted up and the ones near the back filed out. We were in the way of the others until bitchy mcbitcherson ordered us out. Dash still hadn’t woken up, so Fancy Pants continued carrying her.

Everyone in the very large room was staring at us. The old man from before walked up to me. “Please, follow me,” he said. “I know you have questions, but so do we. You can ask yours after we ask ours. Come.”

I sighed and followed him, the ponies trailing after me and looking around at all of the strange sights. There was definitely plenty to see: Airships reminiscent of those from Halo, a number of troop transport ships, all kinds of computers and things like that, and a bunch of humans all watching us.

The old man led us into and down a hall. I was ushered into one room and the ponies into another. The old man went with me. Inside was a table and two chairs, an interrogation room if ever I’d seen one. “Sit, sit,” he warmly said, taking the seat on the side of the room with the one-way window. I stiffly sat in the other chair. “In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am Doctor Anonymous, the man you are pretending to be.” He grinned. “Well, you’re a much younger version of me, at least. It’s interesting. Why me, of anybody?”

“I’m not ‘pretending’ anything, doc. I’m you, if you are who you say you are. First crush, a girl named Katie Thomson. She said she liked you but you were too shy to tell her anything back. Second crush, another Katie. You lusted from a distance, still too shy. First username, nunchakunature, suggested by AoL because all the ‘cool’ names were taken. Password: dead babies. Social security:” I rattled a number off. “I can keep going, if you want.”

He looked somewhat troubled. “I’m convinced. Either you’re truly me or you’re the enemy. And I don’t think the enemy knows me that well just yet. Go ahead, convince me. Tell me your story.”

I smiled.

“Now this is a story all about how

My life got spelled, thrown all around

And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the knight to some mare.

In great ol' Texas, born and raised

Inside of my house, reclusing most of my days

Chilling out, maxing, doing nothing you see

And shooting some shit on my sly PC

When a damn unicorn, magicked up to my doom

She started playing magic in my living room

Got in one little spell and boy was I scared

She said "I've definitely got to show you to my master, the mare!"

When I was shown around, I've met a stranger

A dark pony and powerful which screamed at me danger

I wasn't too bright and I was unprepared

For the nightly princess, a lunatic mare.

My body and mind was torn and reshaped

As I got yelled all around "Yo, Nav wanna rape?!"

Looked all around, now I'm stuck forever

To stand in my armor as the knight of some mare.”

Chapter Seventy-Three—The worst feeling in the world

Chapter Seventy-Three—The worst feeling in the world

There was silence in the room for a few long seconds. Finally, he asked, “Did you just start singing?”

I shrugged. “It happens. Probably just some leftover magic working its way out of my system. That song is surprisingly accurate, though. I’m you from the middle of your senior year, with over four years of experience some time in the future.”

He leaned back, smiling. “If you—I—went to the future in high school, how am I still here?”

“That is a very good question… If I had to guess, I’d say the spell that brought me to the future created a duplicate. Which would make us clones.” I ruffled my feathers, grimacing as some were caught on the bandages. “I suppose if we’re clones… Want to find out if it would be sex or masturbation?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I think I’d prefer finding out if it’s suicide or murder.” He sighed, rubbing at his eyes. “It’s been a long few months. I don’t think my wife would like me threatening something like you. I know my employers wouldn’t. So let’s say what you said is true. What’s the future like?”

“There’s one very big problem: There are no humans. Those ponies you captured appear to be the dominant life-form, but there are a number of other mythological races. Dragons, griffins, changelings, dog people, cat people, manticores, elementals, and so much more. I’ve found evidence of humans here and there, but no direct proof. The continents are arranged the same, but much of the land has been changed. Several cities exist that are near duplicates of human versions. Maris. Flankfurt. Canterlot. Barkelona. Catro.” I sighed. “I don’t know. I came back to tell my—our—family what happened to me, where I went and why I disappeared. I also wanted to see if it was possible to form a short link between the past and the future to bring some colonists back with me. Humanity is dead where I come from, doctor. And we died too soon.”

“Now that we can both agree on. Let me tell you some of our situation here… Navarone, is it? Two of us with the same strange and frankly terrible name are too many.”

“Did our parents ever apologize for that?”

“They went to their graves feeling justified.” I felt my fists clenching. “Navarone, we are beset by a terrible enemy. I assume you know of Google?” I nodded. “This facility was built by them. There is a… thing. I would call it a god if we didn’t all know better by now. But this thing displays signs of magic, or miracles, or something like that. But it uses its powers for evil. Google started tracking it twenty years ago. Ten years ago, this facility was built in silence and secrecy. Five years ago, it was populated by survivalists, people who want to go on living when the world goes up in smoke and flame. This powerful entity takes over the positions of the high and mighty and causes chaos wherever it can. As soon as we noticed it, we started tracing historical trends. We were able to follow it down to the age of the gods, Navarone. Tell me, in your future, does this thing exist?”

“No, of co—Wait.” I remembered the images Flo showed me of the great chaotic monster. And then I remembered the name of the old king that Reginald and Chrysalis mentioned. “He does. But he was deposed.” Or was he? I thought back to my times in the garden in Canterlot, looking through the stone garden. I never really paid much attention to the statues there, but one caught my eye several times. And that one was the same one I dreamed about. “But… he’s still alive. Somehow. He’s been in my dreams, something called Discord.”

“We’ve never found any name for him, but that one fits. So we failed… Well, if what you say is true, anyway. Let me see your injured wing.”

I lowered it for him, holding it across the table. “Be careful with them,” I warned. “They’re sensitive.”

“In what way?” he asked as he began unwrapping the bandage.

“In the way that you go to jail for molesting me.”

“Then I will definitely be careful.” He set the bandage aside and began probing around the area where I was shot. “Remarkable. She was using nonlethal rounds, but it shouldn’t have healed so much and so quickly.” He let me go and I pulled my wing back over. “Are your wings augmented?”

“My entire body is.” I held up my left hand. “I lost a finger a year ago. Bitten off by something. My genetic code was crossed with that of a tree. My blood is sap. I heal quickly. Chop something off and it grows back. And a little over a year ago, all of my organs were melted with poison and grown back. Ever since then, I wanted to see what I looked like on the inside, because I know it ain’t human. During spring and summer, I don’t sleep and my hair is green.”

“And just how is that possible?”

“Magic, doc. I ain’t gotta explain shit. You want to know how magic works, ask the unicorns.”

“They’re being questioned as we speak. Tell me about Discord.”

“I don’t know much to tell. I met an elemental that claimed he got them all to go to war with each other, and then jumped in the middle and had a party. The god-rulers of the ponies and the changelings both confirm to have met him and implied that he ruled for some time before they came into power. A dragon I spoke to mentioned helping the ponies depose him. He has a statue in the capital of the pony kingdom and his body is all kinds of ugly. Fucking chimera, you know? The memory the elemental showed me of him… There are no words to describe it other than monstrous.”

“Yeah, that’s about right. You never thought to ask them more about him?”

I lifted an eyebrow. “You’re asking me if I went out of my way to ask a fucking goddess about her greatest enemy and one of the few things that brings pain to her face at the mere mention?” He shrugged. “No. I never cared enough. I didn’t even draw the connections until now. My mind was more fixated on not dying or getting raped. I swear, those things are fucking animals when it comes to sex.”

“Well, you seemed to have done well for yourself. A knight, if that song was accurate.”

“Yeah. A knight. To a goddess rapist that loves me. Funny how that works out.”

“You know, when I was a senior in high school, I remember being willing to do almost anything to get laid…”

“As it turns out, we were wrong. It wasn’t anything and it was not worth it. Now, I’d prefer to find a different topic. When can I find some hot chicks? I’ve been dealing with fucking horses for four years too long. The cat lady and the dragoness were at least hot, but they were like drops of water in a desert.”

He grinned. “Yeah, you are like me at that age. Speaking of which, how old are you, now?”

“...Shit, I don’t even know. Twenty-two, maybe? I know I’m past old enough to drink. I got a lot of shitty pickup lines I want to get out of my system.”

“Well, I can’t promise you anything, but if you behave and cooperate, you’ll probably be allowed into the general population. There are a few thousand people here. You won’t be allowed to tell them there are no humans in the future, though. You got any more questions before we go to the biology department?”

“A few personal ones. How’s Jane?”

“Our sister is doing well, last I heard. I tried to get her here, but she couldn’t convince her husband to come. I might be able to convince her to come and visit, though.”

“Please… If I can’t see my parents, I can at least see my sister. What about you? What do you do?”

“Biomedical engineering is the shorthand version. You left before a long series of breakthroughs, some of which were in nanotechnology. There has been some very, very cool things happening. If the laws were gone, I’d be able to create entire species of animals by myself. I’ll probably be one of the ones examining you and the three ponies.”

“How the fuck did I go from computer science to biomedical engineering?”

He gave me a deadpan look. “You ever try finding a small error in five thousand lines of code? Fuck that. What about you, what do you do?”

“I’m a problem solver. The princesses get a problem, they come to me and I deal with that problem. It usually involves killing things.”

“Sounds dangerous.” He didn’t seem that impressed.

“Yeah. So can we get on with the tests so I can go to getting shot down?”

“Sure.” He knocked on the table twice and stood. “Come on.” He led the way into the hall. I followed behind him, because what else was I supposed to do? Eventually, we got to an elevator of sorts. He pushed a button and we waited. “This place has over fifty floors,” he explained. “Someone in Google played plenty of Dwarf Fortress before this place was built, because it is maximized for efficiency.”

“I was meaning to ask about that, actually. How the hell did fucking Google do this? This is a military base with its own troops. How is this legal?”

“Navarone, money opens doors.” And just like that, the elevator pinged open, revealing three people in lab coats, two chicks and a dude. Their eyebrows shot up when they saw me. Anon let himself inside and I followed. “Google can do this because no one will stop us. You can disguise just about anything as a business expense when you rake in enough money.” And the elevator began its descent.

I turned to one of the women, an older looking chick but still a sight for sore eyes. “If I told you that you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?”

Anon smacked me in the back of the head. “Don’t mind him,” he told the very surprised woman. The other two were snickering.

I looked at the other woman. “Baby, I may not be an angel, but that won’t stop me from taking you to heaven.”

Anon face-palmed. “When did you become so shameless?” he sighed as the three of them struggled to hold back laughs.

“When that night goddess used her freaky powers to give everyone wet dreams about me. Shame goes away quickly when everyone you know has had very accurate dreams of fucking you.” I looked to the first woman again. “Yes or no: If I were to ask you to have sex with me, would the answer to that be the same as to that of this question?”

She opened her mouth to respond but stopped. “…What?”

I grinned and turned to the other one. “Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I could see myself in them.” And then to the other, “Hey, I think I remember you from heaven. Want me to take you home?” And to the other, “I can’t spell fuck without u!”

She looked confused. “That one sounded more like an insult.”

I shrugged. “Sorry. I have one chance to use these and by God I’m going to.” I looked back to the other. “Nice shoes, wanna fuck? And, for the coup de grace…” I looked to the man and grinned. “Hey, from the looks of it, we both have bananas in our pockets. How's about we go back to my place and make sundaes out of them?” And there were four face palms, right as the elevator dinged open. I waved as Anon dragged me out. I said, “Call me!” just as the doors slid shut. “Nice people,” I commented as he glared at me.

“You are just the worst,” he sighed and began leading me away.

“Hey, I’m only you if things had been different. And I’m not really gay, I just wanted to fuck with that guy.”

“Oh yes, you made that abundantly clear.”

I chuckled as we walked. “Oh yeah, you’re married, right? Would it be cheating if I—” He swung around and tried to backhand me, but I saw it coming and jumped back. “Old man, you do not want to try to get in a fight with me. You may have security to back you up, but it might be too late by the time they get here.”

“If I find out that you are flirting with my wife or my daughter, I am going to castrate you. And I’ll find a way to make sure it doesn’t grow back.”

“Whoa now, I didn’t say a thing about your daughter. She’s technically mine too, so that would totally be incest. Also, she’s a fucking bitch.”

“And I suggest very strongly against calling my daughter a bitch. I’d hate to have to shoot you,” he said while patting his pistol holster. His smile disappeared very quickly when he realized his holster was empty.

I grinned. “Missing something?” I sweetly asked. I had nabbed it when they were all facepalming. It was hidden under my shirt, in my waistband.

“You have exactly one chance to give me my gun before I call security. It only has six rounds and there are a lot more people here than that.”

I grinned and pulled it out, taking a moment to study it. “This was my granddad’s gun, wasn’t it? I remember shooting this thing a few years ago. Kicks like crazy, but fuck does it do damage. I assume if my parents are dead my grandparents are as well?” He nodded as I passed the revolver back. “Well, that fucking sucks. So much for my personal reasons for coming back. Maybe I can still talk to my sister, at least…”

“Maybe. Come on. And don’t touch another gun without permission.” I sighed and continued following him, jamming my hands in my pockets.

That was when I remembered that I had two pockets of gold. “Hey, what’s the price of gold these days?”

“I don’t know. Why?” I pulled out a pouch and tossed it to him. He hesitantly opened it before gaping.

“Yeah, Equestria is on the gold standard and being the lackey of the princesses is lucrative.” I pulled out the other pouch and tossed it to him as well. “That’s pretty much all I have on me but clothes. Now let’s keep moving.”

He weighed them both in his hands before handing them back. “These aren’t weapons. Do with them as you would.” I slipped them into pockets and we kept moving. Finally, we got to some kind of med bay. “Pick a table and have a seat.”

I picked one at random and hopped up. “So you getting a blood sample or something?”

“Something like that.” He turned around with a rubber strap and an empty syringe. “Hold out your arm.” I did and he tied the tourniquet around it, pulling it tight. He then felt around for a vein. “Christ, your arms are skinny. Are they starving you?”

“No. I get most of my energy from the sun. I bet if you took a hair sample, you would find that it has chlorophyll in it.”

“I’ll get one before letting you go, then.” With no warning, he poked me with the needle. I barely felt a prick as he started to slowly pull blood out of me. “Ho. Lee. Fuck.” He saw its color at that point, and probably that it wasn’t acting like normal blood at all. “Well ain’t that something.”

“I told you. That isn’t the only surprise I have, either.”

“I can imagine. And I can’t wait to find out more.” He pulled the needle away from me and put a stopper on the top, blocking the sharp point. “I’ll send this off to lab with some hair samples. I could also use stool and urine.”

I shook my head. “Nope. Everything’s recycled.” I reached up and yanked out some hair for him. “Best I can do.”

He took the hair and put it into some small jars. He took a second to write something on them before putting the needle and the jars into a box, opening a little pantry door and sliding them inside. He closed the door and pressed a button. “Now, let’s take some x-rays. Take off your shirt and lay back on the table.” I did so as he walked over to my table and pulled something off from the ceiling. It was a long cylinder with a glass pane in the center. “Things have gotten a bit more advanced since you left.” He pressed a few buttons on the side of the cylinder and I heard a few clicks. “There. That should show us all the layers you got going on in there.” He pushed the cylinder up. “Get dressed and come on over.”

He walked over to a computer as I stood and put my shirt on. “So that’s it?” I asked.

“Yep. Let’s see.” He pressed a few buttons on the keyboard and a series of pictures popped up on the screen. He pressed a number and what looked like organs popped up. “Well well…” Those were not human organs. Those weren’t even organs.

“What the blueberry fuck?”

“It’s all connected,” he whispered, looking it over. “Just a mass of tissue…” One of his hands went to my neck and I felt fingers where my jugular should be. He lifted his other hand up, one with a watch, and counted down time. “Three heartbeats per minute,” he said. “Unbelievable. Whatever you are, kid, it ain’t human. This… this is something else.” He pressed another number on the keyboard and my bone structure showed up. “Similar. Ribs are closer together, forming a plate.” He put a hand to my chest and ran it up and down. “No way in. That explains why you don’t look that unhealthy, I suppose. What the fuck happened to do this?”

“I told you, my genetic code was mixed with that of a tree after I got burned so badly I almost died. I was on death’s bed, so the princesses gave me a tree’s life essence to bring me back. For a while, I was still mostly human, but then I got a poison that was so bad it melted my insides. With a mix of magic and biology, I was able to recover. I have a fuckton of stamina, my nerve endings are deadened, and everything is recycled.”

“And your eyes? Or the wings?”

“Different modifications. The wings were the result of a sphere of chaos spell that turned me into a pegasus. When I got turned back, the wings stayed for some stupid fucking reason. The eyes were my gift of knighthood. It has been an interesting four years.”

“I’ll say.” He checked his watch again. “It’s about nightfall. I’ll square away some rooms for you and your pony friends. There are cameras in your rooms. If you leave without permission, bad things happen. You may be given more freedom later, but for now, the most trust we’ll give you is leaving you relatively alone. There’s a computer in each room that has a connection to the internal network of the bunker system, so feel free to browse that if you like. You should find every song written in the past five hundred years on there, as well as a number of games. But I suggest sleeping, because you’re going to have a long and busy few days soon.”

“Alright. And dude, tell your daughter I’m sorry for stabbing her.”

“I will, if I see her.” He pressed a few buttons on the computer and a security guy walked in. “Take Navarone to the high class confinement chambers. He and his friends will have permission to go between rooms, but if they leave their hall, they are to be tracked down immediately.”

“Yes sir. You, follow me.” I shrugged and fell into step behind him. As I did, I realized that Anon didn’t even put a fucking bandage on my arm where he took blood. I looked down at it and saw a pinprick of amber keeping any more blood from flowing out.

“So what’s the future like?” I asked as we walked.

“The… future?”

“Yeah. Like, now. What’s it like?”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“Shit… How old are you?”

“Twenty.”

I sighed. “Then I guess you’re too young to answer the question. I got pulled out of this world thirty-five years ago. I was wondering what it was like.”

“Well… for the most part, it’s nice. But there are hints of trouble, which is why we’re here in this bunker. Someone obviously believed it was severe enough.”

Or Google finally turned evil and wanted to control a few thousand people. “So what’s it like working for Google?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I don’t really know. I work for a private security firm hired out by Google. This place is admittedly very nice, and some of the equipment we get is top notch stuff that not even the military gets. It’s not like I really do that much. I heard a military team was sent out today, but that doesn’t happen often. I assume you are what they were sent to fetch?”

“Me and some friends, yes. I imagine the news will get out soon about us. I’m going to start wearing a fucking coat over these wings. Maybe then I can get laid.”

He turned to look back at me. “You’re joking, right? I bet you can get all kinds of tail with them things. More, if you don’t mind taking it from behind.”

“Which I do mind. Maybe I’ll have some luck later.”

He turned back. “One thing I do know changed from thirty years ago: Marriage is pretty rare. Most relationships are informal, so I imagine you’ll have good luck.”

“Well now, that’s good to hear. Is there a bar or anything where people looking to get laid can go?”

“In the civilian sector, yes. You’ll need permission to go there, though.” Well, now I have a plan: Be good and get permission to go to a bar so I can get my dick wet in a human. “So if you disappeared thirty years ago, where did you go?”

“A mystical magical world full of fucking assholes. I got to fuck a dragon, though, so that was cool.”

“You what, mate?” He was looking back at me in surprise.

“Yeah, dragons. I got to fuck a young one that was about six or seven feet tall. I gotta say, nothing makes you feel more like a man than making a sexy dragoness shoot fire out of her mouth while screaming your name.”

He grinned. “Oh yeah, I’m getting some buddies together and you’re going to tell us some stories.”

“Bring alcohol.” We got to the elevator and he pressed the up button.

“I’ll see what I can do. Do they have that in magical asshole world?”

“Not much. Just what I made. And the griffins had some mead, but I didn’t get much of that. What they did have, though, was some really high quality weed. Like, holy shit, that stuff will get you blazed.”

“Ooh, I don’t suppose you brought any back?”

“Nope. You ain’t seen nothing until you get a dragon and a physics defying pony high, though. They cleaned out an entire bakery.” The elevator opened and we let ourselves inside. He pressed a button pretty high on the list and we started ascending. “It was a pretty interesting few years.”

“What’s your best story?”

I took a few seconds to think. “Probably either the war games I had with the ponies or the time I shut down a crime organization in thirty minutes. For the first one, all you need to know is that the races in this place are technologically backwards. Their primary mode of fighting is line-to-line charge.” I gave him an evil smile. “I introduced guerrilla warfare. Normally the ‘games’ last over a week. I finished them in three days with twenty casualties. The enemy surrendered with less than a hundred troops left.”

“Well now, that don’t hardly seem fair.”

“All’s fair in war. Not in love, though, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Last time I thought that, I got stabbed in the chest with a fucking horn.”

The elevator pinged and the door opened. “You got what?” he asked as he led the way out.

“Stabbed in the chest. There are magic-using unicorns in that world. One that was sadistic and apparently got off to torture fell in love with me. I didn’t realize that. Bad things happened.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. So… magic?”

“Yep. They can and will use it to throw your ass around, too. Yeah, I’m glad to be back.”

“I think I understand.” He stopped next to a door and knocked on it. When there was no answer, he pushed it open. “This is where you’ll be staying. I don’t know much about the arrangements the doc’ll be making, but you’ll be restricted to this room and three around it, one for each of your friends. I imagine you’ll get more freedom later. And every one of these rooms is monitored, as well as the hall. Security can be here in less than a minute. Any questions?”

“When will the others get here?” He shrugged. “When and where can I eat?”

“Food can be brought here or you can go to the dining hall. You can find a map on the computers, but I imagine you’ll be escorted wherever you want to go until you earn some trust.”

“Awesome. What’s your name?”

“Aaron.”

I held out my hand. “Navarone.” He shook it. “I’m going to bed. Thanks for showing me here.”

“You got it. Talk to you later.” He walked back to the elevator and I stepped inside my new chamber, closing the door behind me. It was… bare. A bed, a desk with a very strange looking computer, a dresser, and a door that led further in.

I checked out the door and found a bathroom. I poked around in the dresser and found… a bunch of girl clothes. “What.” I just shook my head and closed the panty drawer before walking over to the desk and sitting in their chair. I went through the drawers and found a roll of mints and an old fashioned tape recorder with no tapes. “Why would this even be in here?” I dropped it back in and pressed what I was hoping was the power button on the computer.

The screen immediately loaded. ‘Google OS v.3.7’ popped up. “Fucking really?” After about two seconds, the entire thing was loaded and ready to go. “Well, can’t fault it for being slow.” I pulled out the keyboard attachment to find a standard keyboard and mouse. “I was hoping for something more advanced, but why fix what ain’t broke?” I checked the system tray for anything and saw a few monitoring programs that I knew I couldn’t disable. I also saw something disgusting: Touch screen. I turned that shit off immediately. And then I double clicked on the icon for Google Chrome.

‘Access Denied.’

“Well fuck you too.” I hit cancel and went to the start bar equivalent. A list of files popped up. I clicked on the one that said games. That gave me a list of genres. I felt a smile forming on my face before I shook my head. “I didn’t travel several million years in the past to play STALKER.” I went back to the start list and looked through it before yawning. “Fucking… winter.” I shut the computer down, kicked off my shoes, locked the door, and fell into bed.

I quickly realized I had a pouch of gold in both pockets and threw them onto the floor before sleep claimed me.

I woke up feeling… off. I was used to having Flo bringing me to the glade when I slept. I didn’t have any dreams at all, this time.

And then Dash pushed me off my bed. “Wake up!”

I jerked up. “Christ! What the fuck do you want, woman?”

“About time, Nav! I’ve only been trying to wake you up for five minutes.”

“Unless it’s a fucking emergency, don’t ever wake me up. My body requires sleep during winter and I have no choice about getting it. Now what do you need?”

“Do you really need to ask that? What the buck is going on!? Where are we?”

“How the fuck should I know? I’m a prisoner just as much as you are. Where’s Fancy and Rarity?”

“I don’t know, dude. I just woke up a few minutes ago with a killer headache. There was a group of humans in some strange armor standing outside my door. They warned me that going anywhere that wasn’t your room would be a bad idea. I say we break outta here and find Rarity and Fancy and then make our escape!”

“No. That is the exact opposite of what we’ll be doing. Maybe you don’t remember, Dash, but you got your ass kicked last night. That was with nonlethal bullets. Lethal bullets will be considerably more lethal. And in case you weren’t aware, there are cameras in this room that are watching us and recording what we say. As soon as we make a run for it, security will be all over us. We aren’t going anywhere.”

“Then what do we do?! We can’t just sit here and let them do whatever they want to us!”

“There ain’t nothing else we can do.” I walked over to the computer and turned it on. “You have movie theaters in Equestria, right?”

“Psh, yeah. But what does that have to do with anything?”

I sat down and opened up the movie folder. From there I went to the action folder and did a search for Indiana Jones. “You’re gonna fucking love this shit.” I opened the first movie up, turned up the volume, full screened it, and sat on the bed. “We can’t do shit, Dash. Just sit down and watch the movie.”

“Nav, this feels… wrong. What if they’re being hurt?”

“Then there’s nothing we can do about it. Sit.” I patted the spot next to me. She bit her lip and looked at the door before sighing and hopping on the bed. “Alright. You remember Daring Do? Yeah, this is the original version of that.”

“Original? Psh, Daring Do came before whatever this is.”

“Dash, we just went several million years in the past. Trust me, this came first. Now shut up and watch the movie.”

She rolled her eyes and did.

Twenty minutes later, she was fucking hooked. She didn’t even look up when my door opened.

I did, though. Two armed guards stood there. “Navarone, you need to come with us,” one of them said. “You’re going to be gone for a while, I imagine.”

I sighed and walked to the computer, pausing the movie. “Hey!” I added the other two—not the shitty fourth one—to the playlist before starting it again. Then I followed the guards out.

“So, what’s on today’s agenda?” I asked as they led me down the hall.

“No clue,” one answered. “No one tells the grunts anything. All I know is that we’re going to an interview room.”

“Interview or interrogate?” I asked.

“Interview. Depending on some answers, it might turn into an interrogation room.”

“I just can’t win, can I?”

The guy that was behind me grabbed the tip of my wing and jerked it. “Looks like you already did, if you ended up with these.” I quickly determined that this was not, in fact, a guy.

I grinned and bopped her with a wing. “Keep playing with them if you want.” I knew what skilled hands could do to someone with wings.

“I always did like birds,” she said, putting both hands on one of them. I felt her fingers tweaking at my feathers and running through them ever so gently. I definitely didn’t want her to stop, but she let it go when we got to the elevator. I just sighed as we began to sink into the depths.

“So what’s flying like?” the guy asked me.

“It was awesome the first few times I did it,” I answered. “And every time you can get into a good dive, it’s just amazing. One time I was able to jump off the side of a castle built into a mountain and fell for about half a mile before pulling out of it. Now that was an excellent flight. I don’t think they’ll work while I’m here, though.”

The girl’s hand went back to my wing. “If they do, let me know,” she said, stroking it.

“You got it.” Maybe Aaron was right. I couldn’t see this chick under her helmet, but honestly I didn’t really care about looks right now. After getting back from fucking horses, it matters much less what a person looks like.

She continued unknowingly molesting me until the elevator doors pinged open. She took the lead and we started walking. Yep, she’s got a nice ass. She led me right to an interview room and said, “Wait here.” She went in and closed the door behind her. A second later, it opened. “Come in.” I walked in and found myself sitting on the other side of the table with my daughter standing at his back.

Man, this can get really confusing. Anon was sitting at the table with what I assumed was his daughter behind him, glaring at me.

“Sit, sit,” he said, waving at the other chair. I walked over and sat down. “Didn’t feel like wearing shoes?” he asked with a smile.

I shrugged. “Not like I’m going outside any time soon. Jessica, I assume?” She stiffly nodded. “Sorry for stabbing you.”

“That’s nice,” she said in an unfriendly tone.

Anon cleared his throat. “That’s no way to behave around guests, dear. Guard, would you mind bringing us some coffee?”

“Yes sir.” My nice guard left, closing the door behind her.

My older self put his hands on the table, steepling them. “Navarone, we ran tests on your blood. Do you know what we found?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say that it wasn’t blood.”

“We found trace amounts of nanomachines. Tell me, how is this possible if you left thirty-five years ago?”

“What the fu—Oh. That makes some sense… That makes a lot of sense. Do you remember yesterday when I told you about meeting an elemental?” He nodded. “She put part of herself into me.” If you know what I mean. “That might have been what you picked up. She warned me about that before I left, that you might find something odd in my blood.”

“Navarone, the machines in your blood are more advanced than anything anyone in my team has ever seen. If I had to guess, these were post-singularity machines. This elemental, was she a robot?”

I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. She looked and felt like water. I don’t know what to tell you, doc.”

“Young man, do you use that head for anything other than lust and violence?”

“This is not a road you want to go down, old man. Don’t patronize me.”

He rolled his eyes. “Kids these days…” I was beginning to get angry. “Since you have nanomachines in your system, the task of telling your story will be much easier. Jessica, the device?”

She put something on the table and slid it at me. “Put this next to your ear and press the button.”

I picked up the cylinder and ran it through my fingers, examining it. “What is this?” I asked.

Anon answered, “It’s a memory module. It sends a message to the nanomachines in your body and requests certain information. This one is set up to take memories from up to five years.”

I put it up to my ear and pressed the button. A few seconds later, I felt something strange happening in that ear, but I didn’t move. When the machine beeped, the strange sensation went away and I put the device back down on the table.

“Now what?” I asked.

The guard stepped in with a few mugs and a pot of coffee. She set them down on the table. “Anything else, sir?” she asked.

“See to it that the memory module gets to the CS department,” he said. “They’ll know what to do with it.” She nodded and left, letting the door close again. Anon reached over and began pouring coffee. “Tell me about the world you come from, Navarone.”

“Dude, this is the world I come from.” He rolled his eyes and I grinned. “The atmosphere is different, but I don’t know if it’s lethal for a human. Everything speaks the same language somehow. Before we left, we got spells put on us to make sure we could speak whatever language was here and that we wouldn’t die from the different atmosphere. The ponies are ruled over by two goddess princesses that claim to be able to move the sun and moon. This is the weird part: They actually can move the planet. The two of them are, for the most part, benevolent tyrants and they demand and accept no worship, only love and respect. While they plot to keep every other nation weak and friendless, of course. The griffins are working to form a parliamentary government out of a kingdom, inspired by me. I haven’t been to the dog country yet, but I’ve heard they have a business oriented nation and are ruled by a CEO. The changelings are ruled by an immortal queen, like the ponies. They’re weak and live mostly in squalor, but Christ can they do damage if you get them riled. The cats have a standard dictator-style kingdom. I helped lead a slave revolt there that installed a friendly general as the new king.”

“And the elementals?” he asked, having poured coffee for himself and his daughter.

“Not a power at all. Those few that survived Discord’s war are either trapped or in hiding, but not for much longer. The dragons and naga are non-issues, as neither really have much care for politics. The dragons do have a country, but I haven’t been to it. Mostly, they’re nomadic and solitary. The naga are split into clans all over the place and act as mercenaries for whoever has the coin to pay them.”

“You said not for much longer. What’s going on with the elementals?”

I grinned widely. “I found one that was trapped. She can lead me to others, who can in turn lead me to others. If I can get all of the water elementals out, they can lead me to the fire and earth elementals. And once I free them all, I’ll probably have the most powerful force of nature on my side that their world has seen in millennia.”

“So if we could send our people anywhere, where would you suggest us to go?”

I leaned back and closed my eyes, thinking. “That… depends,” I finally said. “Which would be higher priority? Being independent or rebuilding the population? If you stayed with the ponies, you would be very well treated slaves for Celestia—probably. I imagine that would be her price for letting the humans live in her lands. And when she takes an oath of fealty, she uses magic to ensure that oath is fulfilled. However, Equestria is the most industrious nation and would allow you to get on your feet faster. They’re also working on building electricity after I told them about it. But if you went to the griffins, I can almost guarantee you independence and full citizenship. But most of them live in fucking trees, giant roosts.”

“What if we wanted to strike out on our own? Rebuild from scratch?”

“Don’t. I don’t have the entire world explored yet, but from what I’ve seen, the only unpopulated places are like that for a reason. You remember that shitty space opera Dune? I’ve read a bestiary. Those giant worms exist in some places in that world, though I don’t think they’re as big as they were in the movie. That should tell you what kind of place this is. Although…” I closed my eyes, trying to think of some safe place. “Wait… I need to see a map. Where is this facility located?”

“The United States,” he answered. “Why?”

“What state?”

“Colorado.”

My mouth dropped. “This… this place still exists. Damaged and open to the elements, but it’s there. Heavily guarded, though.”

“I am not a fan of living underground,” Jessica said. “But it would be very important to check it out. There is no telling what information might be inside if it does still exist.”

“Technology level?” he asked.

“Almost all the tech they have runs off magic. I taught the ponies and the changelings how to use electricity and the two races are currently in a research war, trying to outdo the other. As far as I know, the changelings are winning. Aside from those two races, no one else has magic and they all have no tech. I think.”

“Living conditions?”

“All over the fucking place. Ponies in Equestria don’t go hungry, though. They all have a special talent that determines their lot in life. Changelings lived in total darkness the last time I was in a hive. They had a few electrical lights, but the rest of their caves are dark. Before the treaty, they were mostly starving, but I came up with a solution that got them all fed, so they’re much better off. Griffins are mostly alright. Don’t know about dogs or dragons. Naga are good. Cats are… well, imagine Egypt back before Europe showed up.”

“Economy?”

I shrugged. “I’m rich enough to house and feed an army for a while. I don’t know how the rest of it is doing. Most of the known world is on the gold standard, I think, though bartering and performing services for goods is possible.”

“Demographics?”

“…Meaning?”

“Where’s most of the population at? And what kind of numbers are we seeing?”

“Population seems evenly spread. Get a population map of the world today and it would be about the same, I’d imagine. The only difference is that there is considerably less of everything there. Their idea of a big city is ten thousand.”

“Race numbers, then?”

“Ponies make up the largest group, I think. As far as I can tell, they’re split fairly evenly between unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies, which are just smaller versions of horses. If I had to guess, griffins or changelings make up the second one. Then dogs, then cats. I honestly don’t know, though.”

“Crime?”

I snorted. “Practically nonexistent in the mainland. Go over to Europe or Africa and it’s a totally different story. I took down one fucker named the dogfather—no shit, that was his name. He ran about half of the crime in the known world, so things have died down some. Given that two of the consequences for breaking the law are becoming a food source for the changelings and going to a real living hell, most people are apt to stay legal.”

“A living hell?”

“You are going to crack up at this. Celestia built a place called Tartarus, linked up a few portals to it, and made it a maximum security prison. Here’s the kicker: She used the entire island of Australia to do it.” They both smirked at that.

“If we wanted to get accepted quickly, what would we bring?”

“Technology. Ways of generating electricity. And for the love of God, bring weapons. Outside of major population zones, this world is feral. Giant ants, cockatrices, manticores, wolves made of wood… This world is not a vacation zone. Also, bring exotic foods and ways to plant them, because they sure as hell don’t have coffee.” Though looking at Pinkie, that might be a good thing.

“Do you think we can do a good business trading weapons?”

“Yes. But you absolutely shouldn’t. If we get people there, humanity is going to be a very small fraction of the population, I imagine just a few hundred or thousand. You’ll need all the advantages you can get. Most of the ponies are friendly and would probably happily welcome more humans with my reputation. But not everyone would.”

“And what of you, Navarone? If humans came into this world, what would you do?”

“Same as always. Little would change for me, I imagine. I’m not human and I imagine I can’t breed with any humans—though trust me, that won’t stop me from trying. I’d have no responsibilities to the race past giving you a second chance.”

“You say you have a reputation. If you represented us, would that not give us a better hearing?”

“Oh, most assuredly. But why should I help you? You said it yourself, doc: I’m not human. You locked me up and took away two of my friends. You threatened me and took away my weapons. What incentive do I have to help you?”

“Young man, this is the future of a race. You are talking about us being completely extinct. Is it so much to ask that you help us get situated?”

“I am offering you a second chance at life. Is it a crime that I don’t go the whole nine yards and deliver you the good life on a silver platter? I built what I have now in four years of slavery, doing the bidding of a princess that threatened to throw my ass in jail and lose the key. If you don’t like it, as far as I’m concerned, you’re welcome to stay in the past and fucking die.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Let’s make it worth your while, then. What do you want?”

“For one, freedom. I won’t hurt anyone here. Two: When I leave, I want weapons and gear. I’m tired of using a crossbow and a sword. I’ll also want a solar powered laptop with as much information as you can get on it. And finally, I want it known that I can’t promise anything. I do not know how I will return home. For all I know, one day I’ll just disappear and be millions of years in the future. If that is the case, I will try to get back here and get a stable portal or something.” I absolutely love having a good poker face.

“I will see what I can do,” he said, leaning back. And he bought it. “I’m just a scientist, though. I can’t make any promises either.”

I shrugged. “Good enough for now. Oh, and if you’re torturing Rarity and Fancy Pants, I suggest you stop. Celestia would not be pleased to know you’re hurting her subjects.”

“We aren’t hurting them,” he said. “We’re just trying to study their magic, though it’s not working well. We would be studying your blue friend, if she had any kind of useful magic. The two unicorns will be released before the day is out, I believe.”

“Well, you can keep Rarity if you want. Fancy Pants is cool, though. I want to go bar hopping with that guy and get him trashed on cheap booze.”

“You will not be getting anything that has the potential for magic drunk, even if they haven’t shown that they can actually do any. I don’t care if they can’t currently do anything, I will not risk it.”

“Bah, you old guys are no fun. It can wait, I guess. So what now?”

“Now we process your memories. You’ll be confined to your quarters and that area until we do.”

“Now when you say process, what exactly does that mean?”

“We go through them. Since it’ll be over such a long period, we’ll have a large group of processors running through it all to weed out the important parts. Then a few people will watch through them and make sure you aren’t completely dangerous.”

I did not sign on for that! I was tempted to reach across the table and smack a bitch, but I figured that would end poorly. Jessica was looking at me like she just wanted an excuse to fly off the handle. So instead I grinned. “Make sure there’s no one underage watching them. They’ll see quite a few things they probably shouldn’t.”

“Our staff is full of professionals,” he answered. “Jessica, show Navarone back to his room, please.”

“Must I, father?” she sadly asked.

“Yes. And please, try to get along. I do not want the head of security butting heads with a mostly innocent guest. If it makes you feel any better, he is honestly rather similar to me when I was his age.”

“It doesn’t,” she answered. “You, come.”

I shrugged and followed her out of the room. I had a number of questions I wanted to ask her, but I figured I would be a lot safer by not saying a word. To that end, we got all the way back to my room in silence. I let myself back in without a word being passed between us.

Dash was still chilling on my bed, doing her best to pop her eyes out of her head to attach them to the screen. I was about to take a shower when I realized that I didn’t have any clothes. Instead, I joined Dash and we watched Indie save the world from Nazis.

The credits started rolling and Dash finally looked away from the screen. “Dude, that was awesome! They need to make movies about Daring now!”

“That ain’t all,” I said. “Want to watch the other two?”

“You bet I do!” And that’s when I heard a rumbling that sounded like it was coming from her. “…But do you think we can eat first?”

“I was wondering about that,” I said as I walked over to the computer and paused the movies. “I was told we’d either be given food or we’d be escorted to a dining hall. I’m not hungry yet, but if someone can make me some chicken marsala, I would love them forever.”

“I don’t know what that is, but I’m hungry enough to try to eat meat. I say we start walking and see what happens.”

We both jumped as an intercom crackled and a voice said, “If you two are hungry, tell me what you want and I’ll get word down to the kitchens.” It sounded like some nerdy dude.

Dash was looking every which way. “Who’s there?!” she demanded.

“Dash, chill. It’s just an intercom. Dude, if you can get me chicken marsala with extra mushrooms and wine, maybe with a bit of pasta or something, that would be super. Dash, what are you hungry for?”

She picked a random stretch of the wall and said in a rather hostile voice, “How can I trust you?”

I rolled my eyes. “Because,” I said, “if they wanted to kill us, they wouldn’t use poison, they’d use a bullet. Now come on, give him an order.”

She sighed. “Fine… Nav, what’s something good?”

“She wants a stack of blueberry pancakes and grits,” I said.

“I’ll do what I can,” the intercom said. “No promises about the marsala. It’s still pretty early.”

The intercom turned off as I said. Well, I can hope. “Back to the marathon?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I guess.”

And so we went back to Indiana Jones until our food got to us.

When it did, it was wheeled in under a cover by a real beauty. “I hope I do no interrupt,” she happily said. Oh my God she has a sexy accent. I think I just came. “You are zee angel, yes?”

“I’m Navarone, ma’am,” I said, standing up. “And I hope you’re not offended, but you are one of the most beautiful women I’ve seen in over four years.”

She grinned, a small blush on her face. “Zank you, Navarone. I believe zee request was for zee chicken marsala and pancakes, yes?”

“Yep.” I was alternating my looks between her beautiful face and the tray.

“Vell, it was hard to convince my manager, but I got him to agree to make your order so early.” She pulled the cover off the tray and revealed my desires. Well, some of my desires.

I looked up to her, a smile transfixed on my face. “I love you. If I wasn’t in such a hurry to eat this marvelous meal, I would offer to take you to heaven and beyond, if you were interested.”

Her smile deepened. “I might find you later, zen. But I vould not vant to make your… friend jealous.” She looked behind me at Dash. “So zis is one of ze ponies ve have heard about?”

Dash hopped down from the bed. “Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria!” Her wings were spread, presumably to show off.

“Ooooh, they do talk! A winged horse… Zat eats pancakes! It is nice to meet you, Miss Dash.”

“You never did give us your name, Beautiful,” I said.

“Cecilia. I vill leave you two to eat. If you are ever interested in meeting me, I can be found in ze kitchens. Or you can request me from the intercom.”

“You got it, Cici,” I said with a smile. With a small bow for the two of us, she left. I got a nice view of her ass as she walked out, too.

I looked over at Dash, who was giving me a deadpan stare. “Really, dude?” she sighed.

“Hey, I have exactly one shot to get laid by a human chick. If this spell wears off before I can get laid, I will be so fucking pissed. The least you can do is be a good wingmare for me, Dash.”

“Hey, it’s my only chance to get laid by a real human mare too! I’ve heard stories about those hands of yours, and I’d love to try them out!” I slowly smirked as she realized what she had said and a blush grew on her face. “You know what I mean! Let’s just eat!”

“You got it, Dashie. I know I wouldn’t mind…” I looked at a certain part of her. “…eating.”

“You’re terrible.”

My smirk turned into a grin and I grabbed her bowl of grits and her pancakes and set them on the bed for her. “You better not make a mess,” I warned as I grabbed my plate. “If you ruin my sheets, we can swap rooms.” Thankfully, I was provided with a fork and knife. There was also a nice bottle of wine to go with it, presumably because I asked for ‘extra wine.’ I took it as well and sat back on the bed. “We might be prisoners, but at least we’re well-treated prisoners,” I said, eating some of the bitchin’ fettuccini I got.

“Nav, this movie is really violent…”

“Mmm? Oh yeah, Temple of Doom is pretty fucked up. None of it’s real. If it’s a problem, though, I can find something else. Treasure Planet might be right up your alley.”

“No! I can handle it!”

“You better not throw up when he rips out a heart.”

“Well gee Nav, thanks for ruining it.” I rolled my eyes and went back to eating.

When that movie finished, I was starting to get a little worried. Rarity and Fancy should have been back by then. I decided to give it the length of the third movie before asking the intercom guy.

With the final movie in the trilogy was finished and there was still no sign of them, I decided to ask, “Yo intercom guy, you there?”

A few seconds later it crackled to life. “Yeah. What do you need?”

“Where are the two unicorns?”

“No clue. I’ll look around, see if I can’t find them. Give me a minute.”

The intercom died as Dash and I shared a look. She said, “Dude, what if they’re being hurt?”

“If they’re hurt, humanity is dead,” I answered.

“Well, that’s ominous,” she muttered, lying down on the bed.

The intercom kicked back on and said, “Looks like they’re on the way back, but I can’t tell for sure. They’re definitely being moved. I got a question for you, wing dude: How did you get Cecilia so easily? I’ve been going after her for months!”

“Dude, I’m a massive whore. You just gotta know the right words and have the right body language.”

Whoever was there just sighed as the intercom cut off.

I turned back to find Dash poking the computer screen with a hoof. “How does this thing work, anyway?” she asked.

“Fuck if I know. Stop poking it.”

“Psh. How do you not know how it works? Isn’t this some crazy human technology you kept going on about?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I understand it. You don’t understand how magic works, but you still use it to fly. Now, you want to keep watching movies or what?”

“Let’s wait for Rarity and Fancy Pants.”

I shrugged and walked over to the computer, sitting down in the chair. I closed the movie thing, cutting off the credits. “Let’s see…” I opened up the music tab and did a quick search for Crossfade. It didn’t take me long to find So Far Away. “It has been four years too long,” I said as I opened it up.

I smiled and leaned back as it played, closing my eyes and just listening. When it finished, I sighed, happy to hear good music again. Or at least, what I considered good music. Ponies are occasionally good at what they do, but usually I’m not a fan.

“Nav, what was that?”

“Music,” I answered with a grin. “Crossfade. Like it?”

“No, the lyrics. That’s so… depressing!”

I was about to say something when my door opened and my one unicorn friend and also Rarity walked in. Rarity looked exhausted and Fancy Pants didn’t look much better.

Dash’s wings shot out and she leaned forward, only to fall flat on her face when she didn’t go into the air. I assumed she was trying to fly, but failed rather miserably. She was back on her feet almost immediately.

“No no,” Rarity said, her voice a croak. “Don’t trouble yourself on my account!” She walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it. “Oh, it feels good to have a bed…”

Fancy followed her in, but managed not to collapse as Rarity had. “Navarone, you humans are very persistent.”

I sighed, looking back at the computer. “It’s not ‘you humans’ anymore…”

“What ever do you mean, old boy?”

“I got disowned.” I looked back at him. “I assume they spent all night questioning you?”

Rarity seemed to be sleeping. Dash was giving me an odd look. Fancy nodded. “Spot on,” he said. “A mix of questions and ‘tests.’ They weren’t entirely unpleasant, but they were unrelenting.”

I nodded. “Get some sleep, mate. You probably need it. I don’t know which of these rooms is yours. I assume you can just pick one that isn’t taken.”

“I’m to the right,” Dash said.

“I shall let Rarity have the left, then. I will be two doors down on the left.” He looked at the full bottle on the cart. “What is that?”

“Bottle of wine. I was saving it for the reunion, but that seems to have gone to shit. Might as well open it now.” I pushed myself out of the chair and grabbed it, popping the top. “Here’s to the future,” I said, lifting the bottle a little before taking a nice draught. “Fuck, I missed the good things in life,” I sighed as I pulled the bottle away, passing it to Fancy.

He shrugged and took it, knocking a good amount of it back. He didn’t seem to care for the taste. “Strong,” he said, scrunching his face in distaste as he passed it to Dash.

She took it and finished the bottle off. Fucking ponies, drinking all my booze. “Not bad. About on par with the first stuff you had me drink. Much weaker, though.” She set the bottle back on the cart.

I shrugged. “Go on to bed, Fancy. I can brief you all when you and Rarity are better rested.”

“Very well. I will see the three of you later, then.”

“Told you they’d be fine,” I said as he walked out, the door closing behind him. I turned back to the computer before I was grabbed from behind.

“I’m more worried about you, Nav,” Dash said. “What’s wrong?”

I shrugged her off and sat down, spinning around to face her. “Dash, we’re being treated much better than I expected we would be. Don’t get me wrong: I’m fucking livid that we got caught and that the three of you came with me. But all things considered, it’s going much better than expected. That said, several things are wrong.” I sighed, looking away. “Too many things. I need time to think. Time I might not have.” I looked back at her. “What kind of movie do you want to watch next? I’ll set it up and sit out in the hall while you watch it and Rarity.”

She shook her head. “You need a friend right now, Nav. You aren’t going anywhere.”

I leaned back in the chair. I knew she was right, but I really didn’t want to talk it over with her. “Dash, some of this shit is pretty heavy. Are you sure you want to talk about it?”

“Absolutely. I’m not letting you deal with this alone.”

“Dash, my parents are dead. Grandparents, dead. All this time, I was hoping to be able to tell them something, anything. Tell them what happened, why I disappeared…” I sighed, unable to look at her. “But I never disappeared, Dash. I met myself. I met myself, and he never disappeared. Where I went way into the future, he stayed behind. He lived the life I should have had.” I looked at her, now. “What does that make me? Am I a clone? A construct animated by and for magic? What the hell kind of monstrosity did Twilight make when she summoned me? I think, I feel. I know I’m real. But I know the other me is real, too. And I know he’s the one that should exist, not me. I’m a mistake. A fluke, torn from time and thrown into a land where I don’t belong. By the time I was able to return home, I found I was too marred and disfigured for humanity.” I shook my head. “I’m not one of them anymore, not physically and probably not mentally. So I’m no longer Anonymous the human. I’m Navarone the forsaken. And that… That is just the beginning of my problems, Dash. We come from the future, you realize that, right? Where are the humans? What killed them? How far in the future do we come from? And the most important question of all: Are they worth saving? If it’s possible to save them, the entire weight of the human race is on my shoulders. If they’re possible to save, should we? If we should, how? If we do, how do we keep them alive?” I sighed, rubbing at my eyes with my palms. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am. Too much hit me in too little time.”

I looked down when I felt a hoof on my knee. “Nav, you may not be a pony, but you know you’re one of us. You’re not forsaken. You’re Sir Navarone, knight of Equestria. You have a home with us. And does it really matter what kills the humans? They die, Nav. We can’t change that. What we can change is if any live. Ultimately, it’s up to the princess, but if they all end up as cool as you are, there’s no way she won’t let them live in Equestria. You need to relax, Nav. You’re finally home, even if it’s not like you expected. You can worry about all of this later. For now, we need to think about getting us both laid.”

None of what she said made me feel better at all. It probably would help a pony, but I was well beyond that level of innocence now. I smiled anyway, hoping to put her at ease. “True. I’ll show you the glory of bar hopping later, once they let us out of these rooms.” Of course, I had never been in a human bar, but she didn’t have to know that. I was hoping I could just wing it. Heh, because I have wi—Fuck you.

She gave me a sad smile that told me she didn’t buy it, but said, “Sounds good. What do you want to do until then?”

I started thinking about movies that Rainbow Dash would like. A dark grin blighted my face and I whirled around, opening the movie folder. I did a search for The Room. “…Why is there a text file here?”

I opened it up. ‘You ought to be ashamed of even thinking about watching this movie.’

“Well… at least it’s honest,” I said, closing the file. I shrugged and searched for The Hangover. I had no problems getting it up and running. With some liberal application of getting Dash to shove Rarity over, the two of us took our spots back on the bed.

“The one problem I have with your movies is that it takes so long to get to the good stuff,” Dash sighed.

“Well, unless you want to watch porn, we’re stuck with this.”

“…What’s porn?”

I tousled her hair. “Don’t you worry about it. Let’s just watch the movie.” She grumbled and settled down.

When that one finally finished, it was near four. Rarity was curled up in a ball behind us and I was using her as a pillow. Dash ended up really getting into the movie, though she wasn’t a fan of the part where the guy ripped out his tooth. She calmed down some when I explained he was naturally like that, and that the original tooth was just a prop.

Fancy Pants entered our room while I was thinking of a new movie for us to start watching. “Well, Navarone?” he asked. “Is Miss Rarity back with us?”

“Nope,” I answered, poking at my pillow. “She seems pretty out of it.”

“If you would be so kind as to wake her, I believe now would be a good time for you to fill us in on what exactly is going on.”

I shrugged and hopped off the bed. I pushed Rarity onto her back and unballed her before leaning in and blowing a raspberry on her tummy. She woke up squealing and pushing my head away.

“There, she’s awake,” I said, quickly backing away from her before her rage got the better of her. I sat on my kickass spinny chair and leaned back. “Alright. Rarity, you good?”

She was glaring at me. “Was that really necessary, Navarone?”

“Nope. I need answers, now. Rarity, Fancy Pants, can either of you do magic?”

They both shook their heads. Fancy said, “I think I know why. The spell the unicorns cast, it was not made for other unicorns in mind. It is possible that we will be unable to use magic until the spell wears off and we return home.”

I nodded. “Decent enough theory. The why isn’t important, though. That you can’t, is. It limits our options and our bargaining position. To put a long story short, we’re in an underground base run by a private corporation for the purpose of surviving an incoming apocalypse. I’m not explaining it because it’s not important. They know they’re fucked, so at this point, the main goal is to save as many people as possible. To that end, they want to know if it’s possible to send colonists to the future. That gives us enough of a position, I think. We’ll be getting a number of freedoms soon, depending on how well we behave. Unfortunately, we’ll still be trapped underground. Not so unfortunately, there is apparently some kind of city in the levels above us. I have no idea how long we’ll be here. The time guy said a week, but with their spell fucked up like it is, there is no telling how long we’ll be here. As for human society, follow the laws of Equestria, use your common sense, and don’t take anything anyone offers you. Trust only when you have to. Any questions?”

“Why are you so paranoid, Nav?” Dash asked.

“Because I haven’t seen the city yet,” I answered. “I might change my tune once I go through it. But until I do, I’ll assume it’s like the place I grew up in. I would tell you not to go in alone, but I don’t feel like escorting any of you around for the entire time we’re here. Rarity, you’ll probably want to check out the fashion scene. Almost every single human wears clothing, so there’s a lot to look at. Fancy Pants, there might be some proper gentleman’s clubs out there. If I find any, I’ll let you know. Dash, if this place is anything like the future should be, we’ll find some incredible parties out there. That reminds me…” I hopped up and walked over to the two gold sacks. “I came here with bits. Equestria is on the gold standard. Earth is not. These two bags are worth… shit, probably over a hundred thousand dollars. I’ll do my best to get it converted into local currency, if there is any.” I sat back down. “Any other questions?”

“I have one,” Rarity asked. “How are they going to take… us? How will the other humans treat us?”

I shrugged. “No clue. We will definitely get stares. A lot can change in thirty-five years. And I imagine Google wouldn’t pick just anybody to save from the world dying. We should hopefully be fine.”

“Why are you so short?” Dash asked.

“Fuck you,” I said by way of answer. “Any other questions?”

Fancy Pants nodded. “As much as I respect your desire to enjoy the hospitality of the humans, should we not make an attempt to escape? We are prisoners, after all.”

“No. Intercom guy, you there?”

It crackled to life. “Yep. Gotta say, it’s interesting watching you go through all this. The three ponies should be fine, just watch out for little girls that want to pet you and little boys that want to ride you. You’ll get stares, but you hopefully won’t be harassed. Navarone will get propositions from just about everyone that draws breath.” Score.

“Thanks, bro. You can fade back into the background.” The intercom clicked once before shutting off. “To answer your question, we’re being watched every hour of every day. The minute we overstep our bounds, security will be all over us. And I believe you saw how well Dash fared against them. Just chill, man. Anything else?”

We all heard a rather loud rumble coming from Rarity. She blushed, smiling sheepishly. “When and where can we eat?” she asked.

“Presumably whenever. Dash, Fancy, you two hungry?”

“Quite,” Fancy said. “I haven’t eaten since well before we left Equestria.”

Dash shrugged. “I could eat.”

“Yo intercom dude, you mind taking orders?”

It crackled once more. “Welcome to Google, may I take your order?”

I nodded at Rarity. She asked for something overly difficult. Fancy Pants and Dash were much simpler with their orders, thankfully.

When they finished, I said, “That’s it, dude. Two more questions, if you got the time. First, what’s your name?”

“Ryan.”

“Navarone, nice to meet you. Second, can you lock these doors remotely?”

“Yep. If you don’t need anything else, I’ll get these orders sent to the kitchen.”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Peace, bro.” The intercom shut off. “Alright, movie time. Give me genres.”

Rarity said romance, Dash said action, Fancy shrugged.

“I’m tempted to use Titanic, but ugh… Let me think…” After a few moments, a perfect idea came to me. I spun around and did a search for the Zorro movies. I grinned and picked one at random. When I got it playing, I stood, pushed the chair out of the way, and moved to the bed. Rarity ended up on one side of me, Dash on the other. Fancy Pants sat on his haunches in front of me.

“So what is this?” Rarity asked.

“Zorro,” I answered with a grin.

A few minutes into the movie, the door pushed its way open and my lovely Swedish lady came in with a new cart. I managed to wiggle my way off of the bed and walked over to her, a smile on my face. “Hello again, my lovely dear,” I said.

She grinned. “Hello to you as vell. None of zis food looked fit for you.”

“Honey, I see all the meal I want right in front of me. You want to leave the kids to their movie and pig out?”

Her smile grew much wider at that. She reached over and grabbed my hand before pulling me out the door. I heard Dash say something before the door clicked shut.

“Every room has cameras,” she told me as she grabbed me by the arms and pulled me into her, with her back against the wall. “But zee ones in zee halls are only turned on in emergencies.” She leaned in and very aggressively kissed me, forcing her tongue against mine. I was grinning as I fought back, my hands wrapping around her and to her very well-formed ass, squeezing it before lifting at the skirt so I could touch the real goods.

(If you haven’t guessed sex is coming yet, you don’t deserve a warning. ‘Sex is over’ to skip)

She moaned into my mouth as one of my hands found her wet snatch, uncovered by panties. I pulled back from the kiss. “So naughty,” I whispered with a grin, still fingering her.

She was grinning, a beautiful blush on her face. “You vere promised a meal,” she said, one of her hands going to my head and gently pushing me down. I grinned and didn’t fight back, ending up kneeling in front of her. She was holding her skirt up and I was getting my first look at a real human pussy.

“Beautiful,” I whispered before going in for a taste. She kept herself well-groomed, so I didn’t have to worry about a mouthful of hair. As soon as I tasted her tangy lips, my wings started to stretch and unfold, showing my arousal. One of her hands went to the back of my head, holding me steady. The other went to one of my wings, lovingly caressing it. One of my hands held her skirt up while the other reached around and got a handful of her sexy ass.

Her hips pushed forward and she pushed my head in further. I took the hint and let my tongue slip inside, lapping at her folds like a fountain of youth. My hand on her butt began circling her tight hole, waiting for her to relax so I could violate her.

I let my eyes look up, hoping to catch a look of her face. I couldn’t see it, but I was hardly disappointed since I caught a nice look at her generous bosom instead. I wish I had been able to play with those instead, but I was having plenty of fun making her squirm and moan where I was.

When her loving strokes on my wings turned into painfully grabbing it, I slipped my finger inside her forbidden hole and gently curled it, burying my finger to the knuckle. “Ooooh… Now who’s naughty?” she moaned, jerking my long hair.

I just grinned and moved my mouth to her little love button, suckling on it the way Celestia taught me to treat a teat. I was rewarded in a very different kind of milk, but it still tasted heavenly when I jerked my head down to catch it.

She grabbed my ponytail and pulled me up, letting some of her precious fluids go to waste. I stopped caring about that when she forced her face against mine, doing her best to catch any of her lady cum that was left on my face and in my mouth.

When she got all that she could, she pulled her blushing face away from mine. One of my hands was still fondling her backside while the other was rubbing at her dripping pussy. “My turn?” I whispered with a grin.

One of her hands went to a wing. “Angel wings means no human, yes? We do no need… protection?”

“You got it, Cici,” I answered, slipping another finger inside of her.

She gripped me by the shoulders and pushed me back. “I like it from behind,” she said, letting me go and turning around, putting both hands on the wall and jamming her ass at me. “Don’t be gentle.”

I lifted her skirt and took a nice look. Oh yeah, it wasn’t what I was used to, but I was not going to complain. I grinned and sharply brought a hand down, slapping her ass and leaving a nice handprint. She moaned eagerly as I undid my belt.

“I hope you don’t mind if I make this a quick one,” I said. “I for one don’t want to get caught.” My pants down and my dick at attention, I stepped in and grabbed her hips, pulling her against me as I hilted. Her natural lube was flowing and we were both ready to fuck, so I wasted no time setting a hard pace. Every few thrusts, I brought a different hand down on her cheeks, getting a grunt of appreciation each time.

A minute into it, I brought my wings in and wrapped them around her lower body. I didn’t have nearly the control someone like Dash did, but I was still able to push her skirt up with one of them and rake my wing tips across her clit, the feathery touches making her moan and jerk her hips in appreciation. Sure, it was getting my wings dirty, but I needed a shower anyway.

And it was well worth it. Soon after, her moans picked up and more fluid began sliding down our legs, tickling me as it ran through my short leg hair. Of course, she wasn’t the only one that was getting closer. She wasn’t as tight as Luna had been as a human, but Cecilia was much more experienced and had better muscle control. She had been milking me before she came, and when she hit her peak her contractions were enough to put me on the edge. My fast and hard thrusts were making it difficult to keep up my good stamina, and my desire to not get caught compounded that.

To that end… “Just about there,” I grunted.

“Inside!” she moaned. I smiled and thrusted a few more times before burying myself to the hilt and letting my barren seed grace her womb. “Oooh, so vaaarrrm…” she sighed, her head gently pressing against the wall. That gave me some bad flashbacks, but I waited until I was flaccid again to pull out.

“That was fun,” I panted, grabbing my pants.

“It vas,” she answered, letting her skirt fall back. “I need to clean myself, dough.” I smiled at her lovely accent, made even better by the lusty voice she was using.

“Bathroom in the rooms to the left and right,” I said. “I need to wipe myself down, too.”

“Vell let’s go, shall ve?”

I waved an arm at Rarity’s door. “Ladies first.”

She gave me a mock curtsy. Given how short her skirt was, that gave me a pleasant view. We let ourselves into Rarity's room and took our time getting clean.

(‘Sex is over’)

By the time we got back to my room, all three of the ponies had finished eating. “I vill remove zee carts,” Cici said, a small grin still on her face.

“Thank you,” I said, nodding. “If you’re ever in the area, feel free to stop by…”

“Oh, I vill. Until zen.” I helped her maneuver the carts out the door before stepping back inside to find Rarity glaring at me and Dash just staring.

“What?”

“You know what!” Rarity said, her glare growing stronger. “We could hear her from in here!”

I shrugged. “That’s what you get for running at the group of unicorns that were performing one of the most complicated spells the world has ever seen. The three of you aren’t supposed to be here and I will not let you ruin a good thing.”

Fancy nodded. “I for one understand. I may not approve of the location—in the hall, for Celestia’s sake!—but given that this might be your only chance, live while you can.”

“Stallions!” Rarity growled. “Fancy Pants, you’re supposed to be a gentlecolt!”

He rolled his eyes. “Rarity, my wife is a whore. Trust me when I say that Navarone is not the only one here that hopes for a good time.”

All three of us gave him very different looks for that. Mine was a knowing grin. Rarity’s was shock, confusion, and possibly horror. Dash was mostly confused.

“Looks like everyone’s getting laid,” I said with a grin. “Well, everyone but one certain stuck up mare. You and Dash might have some problems, but I’ll take you two out one night and see where things take us. Who knows? Maybe we’ll either find some horse fuckers or find some really opened minded chicks.”

Fancy Pants snorted. “Navarone, a gentlecolt doesn’t just lay with somepony and drop them.”

“Fancy Pants, you don’t have to be a gentleman here. The only one that cares is Rarity. You know Dash and I won’t say anything.”

“I would know, and that is enough,” he answered. “We are ahead of ourselves, though. We need to get out of this hall, first.”

“You leave that to me,” I said. “If it’s possible, I’ll find a way.”

Rarity sniffed and stepped off the bed. “If the three of you want to discuss debauchery, then I will leave you to it! I want nothing to do with it!”

She smartly trotted off, slamming the door behind her. “Good, she’s gone,” I said. “Who wants to watch the real movies?”

Dash sighed. “Should we really just let her storm off like that?” she asked. “We’re alone, Nav. It’s just us four.”

“I know, I know. I just want to give her some time to cool off. Let’s see… How about A Knight’s Tale? That’ll show you some of humanity’s horses.” They both shrugged. I shut down Zorro because it honestly wasn’t all that interesting and opened up the next movie. I joined the two of them and we watched it for a few minutes.

When I deemed that enough time had passed, I walked over to Rarity’s room to find that she had luckily chosen to flee to the correct one. She was sitting on her bed, looking rather depressed. She looked up at me when I entered and sighed when she saw it was just me. She looked away, toward the computer. “Mine doesn’t work,” she sighed.

I sat next to her on the bed, putting a hand on her back. “Rarity, we’re just messing with you. I don’t think Fancy really wants to do that.” Yes he does. “And there will be plenty for you to do.”

“It’s not that, Nav… We ruined this for you. All the time and planning you put into it… Gone, because we didn’t stand and face that monster. We heard you with that old man. You were asking for a way to get us to safety. You could’ve just ridden with him and gotten back home… But now you’re stuck here because of us. It isn’t fair…”

“Life never is. You have to take it in stride anyway.” I stood up and walked over to the computer, turning it on. I made sure she couldn’t see how I did it. “We’re watching something next door that I don’t think you’ll like. I’ll set you up with something more your speed.” It’s a good thing she wasn’t facing me, because if she could see my smile, she would be wary.

“Well, sometimes it’s nice to watch these things alone,” she whispered.

“Yep.” I made sure to disable the touch screen before loading up the anime folder. I found the translated files and opened up Boku No Pico. I started it, reached behind the computer, pulled out the mouse and the keyboard, and said, “Have fun. I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.” I quickly let myself out of the room and ran to Fancy’s. I opened the door and said, “Ryan, lock Rarity’s room.”

The intercom crackled a second later. “Done. Navarone, you’re evil. And awesome.”

“Thank you.” I left Fancy’s room and walked over to mine. I let myself in and walked to the bed. “She’s fine,” I said. “Just tired and cranky. I set her up with a good movie and told her to sleep after it.”

“Well that’s good,” Dash said. “This movie’s pretty cool. And those ponies are huge!”

Fancy grinned. “Horses, my dear. We are ponies. Those are horses.”

“Hey, we have ponies too,” I said. “All kinds of them. None are sentient, though.”

The rest of the night passed in a whirl of movies and whatnot. When the two of them finally left, I was pretty beat. I was about to turn in when the intercom crackled. “Hey Nav, don’t forget Rarity,” Ryan said.

“Shit. I don’t suppose you can turn off her computer remotely?”

“Dude, I don’t think she wants me to. She uh… Well, after the first hour or two she really, really got into it.”

“…What.”

“I’ve seen some pretty strange things, running this security system. This was the first time I’ve ever seen a horse masturbate.”

“Nope.” I turned my lights off and fell into bed, not wanting to deal with going next door. Sleep came easily.

Chapter Seventy-Four—Armed and dangerous

Chapter Seventy-Four—Armed and dangerous

I actually got to sleep in the next morning, which for me meant waking up whenever the sun outside was coming up—which reminded me that I really needed to get some vitamin D.

I sat up, stretching. I popped my neck and other body parts as I said, “Hey intercom dude, you there?”

It crackled and what sounded like Ryan replied, “Yep. Still me, too.”

“Jesus dude, what the fuck kind of shift do you have?”

“A very, very long one. What do you need?”

“Clothes. I need a shower and I need something to change into.”

“There should be some in the drawers.”

“Yeah, for chicks. I’m not going around in a skirt, blouse, and tight little panties.”

“…Huh. Hold on.” I waited for a minute, stretching myself out some more. Eventually he said, “Alright, check the blue one’s room. There should be guy clothes in there. They… probably won’t fit you, but at least you’ll feel somewhat modest.”

“Awesome. You did shut down that shitty anime for Rarity, right?”

“Yeah. She uh… she had some questions, though.”

“I hope you answered them, because I know I don’t know shit about anime.”

“I did. She tried to get me to show her more, but she really looked tired.”

“Yeah… I don’t care anymore. I’m gonna get clothes and take a shower. Thanks for the help, mate.”

“You got it.” And with that, the intercom went silent. I finished stretching and hopped off the bed before walking next door to Dash’s room. I quietly opened her door, snuck over to her dresser, and emptied it of all the clothing I could. She was snoring the entire time.

I took the clothes back to my room and threw them all on the bed to be sorted through later. For the moment, I grabbed some kind of very soft jeans and an even softer button-down shirt. I took a nice and long shower and then spent about ten minutes trying to get the clothes I was given to not hang off my frame limply. I also had to tear holes in the back of the shirt to fit it around my wings.

Eventually I gave up trying to fit them and just cinched a belt around the clothes, pulling it tight. I nodded and left the bathroom. I immediately froze on my tracks at what I saw: Rarity’s ass, with her upper half rooting through my dresser.

Maybe if I’m quiet enough I can sneak around her…

I started very cautiously tiptoeing to the door, hoping to take refuge in Dash’s room. I kept my eyes glued to Rarity’s admittedly nice flank the whole time. When I was about halfway there, she said, “These ears are not just for show, Navarone.” Dammit. She pulled her body out of the dresser and turned to face me, a grin on her face. “I know you did what you did to be mean, but that show… It was very interesting.”

“…That’s nice. I’m just gonna go.”

Her grin deepened. “Go where, Nav? I think I finally understand you now.” She walked up to me and began circling me, looking me over. “Why you insist on that horrid mane style. Why you’re so skinny. And these past two days have given me the final pieces of the puzzle… You’re short, smaller than most other humans. And when you put that… anime, as Ryan called it, on for me, your final hint clicked.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But I have a horrible idea.

She stopped in front of me, still smiling. “You don’t have to hide it from me, Nav. I saw all the clothes you have in your drawer, looted from Dash’s room. I know your little secret. You want to be a little girly-boy!”

…

“I’m done here.” I tried to push past Rarity, but she stopped me with a hoof.

“You don’t have to lie to yourself anymore, Nav! I can help you! Oooh, and just think about all the clothes I can make for you!”

“Rarity, you have mental problems. I’ve already had sex with a chick since we got here. If I was into cross-dressing and being gay, why would I be going after Cici instead of Ryan?”

“Nav, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your desires. You don’t have to hide behind your masculinity anymore! You can embrace your more feminine side now. Sure, Fancy Pants and Rainbow Dash will be judgmental, but between the two of us, we can turn them around. I mean, why else would you even know about that anime?”

“Rarity, are you even listening to yourself? Back home, I have a pair of stones that can change my gender. If I really wanted to be a fucking chick, I would use the stones.”

“Yes, but then everypony would judge you. And you’ve been hiding it for so long… Nav, ponies are very accepting. If you had told us all from the beginning, we would have helped you!”

“Woman, you have problems. I am very happy being a straight man that fucks women.” Well, happy may be pushing it, but I did not at all want to be a little shota. “You need to take a fucking chill pill. If you keep going on about this, Imma slap yo shit.”

“Nav, as I’m sure you know, I can be a very generous mare. It’s only in my nature to make sure you are as happy as you can be. I just want what’s best for you! I promise, I can make the other two see reason. Just give in to your de—” She was interrupted by me backhanding her across the face.

“Again: If you keep going on about this, Imma slap yo shit.”

She slowly turned her head back to me, anger in her eyes. “That was very rude. And I was just trying to help! Your desires are perfectly natu—” I lifted my hand up to slap her again, but she stopped, eyeing it. “Very well. I know when I am not wanted. Continue wallowing in your misery and unhappiness. I will go back to my quarters and watch more of this fascinating anime that Ryan suggested for me.”

“Good. There’s the door. I trust you know the way out.”

She sniffed and held her head high as she left. She stopped with the door open, ready to bolt if necessary. “Should you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.” I just pointed to the hall. She left, nose held arrogantly in the air.

When the door swung shut, I sighed. “Four years, Ryan. I’ve been dealing with that shit for over four years.”

“She doesn’t seem that bad,” the intercom said.

“She raped me because, according to her, I needed to get laid. It took her years to apologize and admit she was wrong. Now, you know of anything I need to do today?”

“…Did you just say you got raped by a horse?”

“Yes. That wasn’t the only time. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Huh. Well, there are two guards on their way to pick you up. You’ve got a meeting with Dr. Anonymous as soon as you woke up. They should be there in five.”

“Awesome. Any idea what the old man wants?”

“No clue. Say, I know this seems like an odd question, but are you two related?”

“Something like that. Do you know if that cute guard will be one of the two to get me?”

I heard sighing over the intercom. “Nav, if you do get permission to go into the city, do you think you can help me out with something?”

“Maybe. What do you need?”

He didn’t answer for a few seconds. Eventually, he said, “I want to get laid.”

“With a chick or with a dude?”

“Your speech patterns are so… retro. With a woman.”

“I’ll see what I can do. But if this works, you owe me.”

“Sure, whatever. If I can get out of this lifelong rut I’ll be happy.” I smiled at his choice of words.

I was about to explain why it was funny when the door opened. “Fuck, do you guys ever knock?” I asked as one of the guards walked in.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t see his face, he seemed somewhat taken aback. “It… never occurred to us. If I ever get sent to get you again, I will.”

“Thank you. Shall we?”

He stepped out of the way of the door and waved an arm. “After you.” I walked past him, into the hall. He pulled the door shut and set off toward the elevator.

“So what does the old man want?” I asked as we walked.

“No clue,” the apparently female guard behind me answered. “Just said he wanted to see you.”

I ruffled my feathers, hoping it was the same guard from yesterday. She didn’t start feeling me up, so I assumed it wasn’t. “Ah well. I’ll find out soon, I suppose. Hey, is there any kind of sunbathing place I could get to?”

“There are a few in the city,” the guy answered. “Why?”

“With my body as it is, I need sunlight for energy. It’s a long story.”

The dude pressed the down button on the elevator. “From the sounds of things, you’ve had a hard life. We heard some of the observers talking, though none of them were given many details.”

“…Observers?”

“Yeah. Remember when you made copies of your memories? How it works is that a number of observers are given different time periods to look at and none are told what or who they’re viewing, just what they need to watch for. From what I heard, some of them were traumatized.”

I was kind of mad at that. Not that they were traumatized, that my memories were so freely distributed. I expected it to be done by just one or two people. “Serves them right,” I said. “Those memories were mine, not to be shared.” I smirked, a dark thought coming to me. “I hope they were in VR chambers when they went through some of them.” I mean, I was assuming they had virtual reality at this point.

“That’s not common practice,” the chick said. “However, I heard one of them specializes in stuff like that. They had to rip that poor bastard out. He was screaming something about a horn.”

I gave a quiet and dark laugh at that. The two guards shared a look, but didn’t comment. “How many observers were there?” I asked. They both shrugged. It didn’t really matter anyway. The elevator pinged open and we all stepped out of it. One of them took the lead and I asked, “So where the hell is everyone, anyway? I’ve walked these halls a few times but I never fucking see anyone else in them.”

“With their families,” one of them answered. “It is the season, after all. You and your friends have caused quite a stir, but not enough to pull everyone away from their time off.”

I sighed, jamming my hands in my oversized pockets. What the guard said was enough to remind me that my parents were dead, the other me was a dick, and my sister was married and probably wouldn’t be allowed to see me. I sighed and muttered, “Came back in time for nothing…” Well, mostly nothing. Fucking human chicks and getting equipment were reasons enough, I suppose.

We got to Anon’s office in silence. They let me in with no knocking or announcement, oddly enough. My other self nodded at the chair across the table from himself. “Sit.” I sat down and leaned back as much as I could, thankful to finally have chairs made for humans. “As far as we can tell, you’re harmless enough. Well, in the sense that I don’t think you’ll do anything unless provoked. I’m willing to let you roam the city we have under a few conditions.”

“I’m listening.”

“No covering your wings, for one. I want to be able to pick you out of a crowd easily. Not that it should be too hard, given our… diminutive statures. Second, you see a psychologist at least an hour per every three days. You have problems that need to be fixed. Third, you sleep in the room set aside for you every night. A curfew, you could call it. Any objections?”

“What’s with the shitty curfew, man?”

“It is for your own good. We saw how… popular you were with some of the ladies.”

More like you want to observe me at all hours. “What about the equipment I want?”

“You will receive what you requested when you get us into the future. No sooner.”

I sighed, my wings twitching. “Doc, I’ve been thinking… I’m going to be alive for quite a while. And the political scene in this place right now… It ain’t all that hot. Tensions are flaring and shit. Time… It doesn’t really work how people think it works. If I went to the future right now, I could spend thirty years there and come back here less than a second after I left. Why would I bring you back with me right now? If I can successfully free the elementals and whatever, I can get a powerful group of entities that owe me a huge favor. They probably won’t have any allegiance to anyone. Use some gold to hire some freelance unicorns and bring the humans to the future then. No need for politics, no need for Celestia’s permission. But… I’ll need to live that long. And having some good gear means that’ll be possible. Whataya say, Doc?”

He leaned back in his much nicer chair. “And what is to stop you from stabbing us in the back and stranding us?”

“My word. You of all people know that when I give my word to do something, that something gets done.”

“There is a first time for everything. Why should I risk the survival of my species on that?”

“Because if I really wanted you fuckers dead that badly, I wouldn’t bring you back for the gear anyway. Yes, it would be nice to have that stuff, but if I cared that much, I wouldn’t bother helping you at all. I want some good stuff that’ll help me survive long enough to get you people there. And I want to save humanity, but that won’t stop me from letting you all die if I don’t get what I need.”

“So that’s how it’s gonna be,” he said, crossing his arms. “If you don’t get your way you’ll let us all die. How selfish do you have to be, Navarone?”

“There ain’t nothing in this world for free. And my friend, you better fucking believe I’m wicked. What do you have to lose? An extremely durable laptop with a few solar chargers. A rifle with easy to replace ammo. Maybe a light combat suit. Anything else you can think of that someone like me could use. Surely the all-powerful Google can front the cost of that for the sake of humanity.”

He sighed and rubbed at his face before saying, “I’ll see what I can do. Whatever kind of world turned me into such an asshole, though… I don’t know if I want any more humans there.”

“Better than being dead. And better that I wait to bring you there until I have more power and control and can set us up in a safe location where we won’t be slaves.”

“Yeah. Don’t forget about us, either.”

“Of course not. This’ll just give me another reason to keep living.” At least until I help them get to the future.

“Very well. Now, you have an appointment with your psychologist in twenty minutes. The guards will show you to him. I will have a talk with your three friends and you will be allowed into the main population either later today or tomorrow.”

“Man, did you have to pick today to give me the damn appointment?”

“Yes. Now go.”

I sighed and stood, turning to go, but I thought of something at the last moment. “Did you talk to Jane?” I asked.

“I did. She didn’t seem that enthused to leave her family during the Christmas season, but said she would make an exception because it seemed like an emergency. She should be here in two or three days.”

“God, I look forward to it. I just wish… Well, wishing doesn’t solve anything. I’ll talk to you later, Doc.” He nodded and out I went. “Apparently I have some kind of appointment,” I said to the guards.

“Right this way,” the chick answered, walking further down the hall. We fell in behind her.

“So what’s with the wings, anyway?” the guy asked, poking one of them.

“Where I come from, magic exists. I picked these up after two spells combined in a very wrong way.”

“Can you fly?”

“Back there I can. I can’t, here. Not that I could really fly in these tunnels. It would be too hard to stay even and I’d probably end up hitting the floor or the ceiling.”

“Hm. Do you sing?”

“…What?”

He grinned. “I’m a fan of old literature. There’s a book called I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I was just wondering if you were familiar with the concept.”

“I don’t mind not flying. I was born without wings, after all. You ask someone like Dash, and you’d probably get a different answer. I imagine that pegasus is going crazy right now.” If she’s even awake yet.

The other guard stopped. “Here we are,” she said, knocking on one of the doors in the hall. It opened without a sound. “We’ll be back to pick you up in an hour,” she said. “Don’t make us come back early.”

“I’ll do my best.” I walked into the room and the door shut behind me. I found myself in a waiting room, no one else present.

“Come on back, Anonymous,” a male voice said. Dammit, I was hoping I could seduce her. I walked on through the other door and found a smiling Indian dude waiting for me. Dot head, I mean, not spearchucker. Not that it really matters. “Please, sit.” He waved an arm at the couch across from his chair. I plopped my ass down and tried to get comfortable. “So what seems to be the problem, Anonymous?”

“A few things. First, please call me Navarone. It’s a stupid name, thinking about it, but it’s better than Anonymous and I’ve been using it for the past four years. Second, I don’t even know your name.”

“Ah, forgive me. I am Doctor Chile.” I know what I’m asking for dinner tonight. “It is good to meet you… Navarone.”

“Alright. There are a few reasons I should probably be talking to you. I don’t think it’ll do any good, but whatever.”

“You never know,” he said. “My profession has come a long way. You said you think you know why you’re here. Why is that?”

“Reason one would be the number of times I’ve been raped and mistreated. I’m suffering from some kind of hypersexuality as a coping mechanism. Reason two would be the post-traumatic stress disorder I’m going through. Reason three would be something new, I imagine: Total abandonment. I’m not a human anymore, but I’m not anything else, either. I’m about as alone as it’s possible to be while surrounded by people.”

“Those are definitely astute observations. How did you even know the term hypersexuality?”

“That’s really a thing? I just made the word up since it seems to fit.”

“Well, either way, those do seem to be some of the problems. Tell me, how many people are you really close to?”

“Like, one or two. Why?”

He marked something down on a clipboard and I narrowed my eyes; I don’t like being ignored. “Why do you think that is, Navarone?”

“I’m surrounded by tiny talking horses that are incapable of understanding some of what I’ve been through. I alienate myself for their benefit.”

“Tell me about the two you’re close to. What makes them different?”

“One lives inside of my head, and not in the ‘I’m crazy’ way, but in the literal way. She knows what I know and sees what I see. I couldn’t help but be close to her.” He marked something else down and I continued, “The other is my adopted daughter. She belongs in an orphanage, but no one would listen to me when I told them.” I shrugged. “That’s life.”

“And why does she belong in an orphanage?”

“Because I’m an emotionally stunted freak that has no real place in the world and nothing to offer a child.”

“Is that really how you feel, Navarone?”

“Yep.”

At his small grin, I knew I was going to be there for a while.

A while later, I was finally free from his hellish office. He tried to get me to agree to not have any sex until I spoke with him again, but when I laughed in his face, he agreed that he was asking just a little too much. When I continued laughing, he realized there was no way in hell he could get me to abstain at all without using a chastity belt.

Anyway, I was free. The two guards led me back to my room, where I found Dash chilling on the bed. “That movie thing is broken,” she said. I walked over to the computer and turned it on. “Psh, showoff.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hopefully we’ll be allowed into the general population today.” I was about to continue when someone knocked on my door. Since I was still standing, I walked on over and opened it to find Aaron standing there. “Sup?”

“Not much. Commander wants me to show you some gear you’re apparently getting. Wanna come down to the firing range?”

“Hell. Yes. Just let me set up something for Dash and we can go.” I started walking back in. He followed me, stopping to stare at Dash.

She stared right back. “What?” she asked.

“…That mane natural?” he asked.

She sighed. “Why does everypony ask that?”

“Because that shit just ain’t right,” I answered. “What do you want to watch? I’m going to the range.”

“Like, your crossbow range?”

“Something like that,” I answered.

“Can I come?”

I looked over at Aaron, who shrugged. I looked back at her and said, “Sure. Just don’t touch anything and stand where we tell you to. Your coat looks better as blue than it would as purple.”

“…What?” she asked.

“Blue and red makes purple. Let’s go.”

She shrugged and hopped off the bed. We all stepped out of my room and Aaron led the way back to the elevators. “So how do these things work?” Dash asked as we started to descend.

“Cables,” I answered. “Strong ones.”

Aaron smiled. “That’s how they used to work,” he said. “Now it’s mostly magnets.”

I sighed. “Magnets man, how the fuck do they work?”

“I’m a soldier, not a scientist. I might as well try explaining magic.”

Dash scoffed. “Magic is easy! You just gotta go with it and nothing will ever go wrong.”

“What about that time Twilight did anything ever?”

“Okay, Twilight’s a special case,” she said. “She doesn’t count.”

“…She’s the element of magic, isn’t she?”

“That’s beside the point!”

The elevator pinged open and Aaron stepped out, shaking his head. “I think I’m missing something,” he sighed, leading the way further in.

“Twilight’s a unicorn that fucks everything up,” I answered. “She’s immensely powerful and very book smart, but has very little in the common sense department. Think of this world like a cartoon, where there’s someone at the end of every occurrence that spouts an Aesop about some bullshit or another. She’s usually the one with the Aesop.”

“That would be really annoying,” he said.

“Damn right it is,” I answered, nodding. “Hell, I got roped into that shit once, though no one liked what I came up with.”

“Do I even want to know?” he asked.

“Nope.”

Dash gently kicked my leg. “She isn’t that bad, Nav. She just… needs somepony to help keep her calm.”

“Yeah, and that was me for near on four years. That shit gets old. The best way to calm her down was to fuck her silly, but you try doing that out in public and see how far you get.” They both flinched at that. “What?”

“Sorry,” Aaron said. “It’s just… I’m not used to the idea of… that.” I think he was trying to be polite, with Dash standing right there.

Dash just sighed. “I knew you two were close, but I never knew it was like that.”

“Yeah… The first time was not my proudest moment,” I said. “It involved pheromones and hormones and my mind being too clouded to see how bad of an idea it was. I wanted out. I… did not handle it well. And that is one reason why I have a new house.”

“I miss all the good stuff…” she sighed before her ears twitched. “So… that means Twilight’s available?”

“As far as I know.” She just grinned.

Aaron looked back at her and asked, “So same-sex couples are okay where you come from?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t they be? You get some parents that aren’t too happy about it since they want grandkids and some races care less for it than others, but nopony really minds that much.”

“Huh. So why everypony and nopony? Why not everyone and nobody?”

I rolled my eyes, having had this conversation many times. “What do you mean?” Dash asked.

“Well, aren’t there different species there? Like… dragons and stuff? What if you’re referring to a group that has a dragon in it and say everypony? Wouldn’t that piss it off?”

“Of course not!”

“Actually,” I broke in, “it does. Spike doesn’t count because he was raised by ponies. Try it with just about any other race that hasn’t been mostly raised with or by ponies and they tend to be displeased when you say that. Especially the dragons.”

She just rolled her eyes and didn’t answer. Aaron did, though. “Wouldn’t saying things like everyone include… well, everyone? Of all races? I mean, you guys do have that word, right?”

“Everyone else uses it,” I answered. “It’s just ponies that don’t. I could explain the reasoning behind it, but I won’t with Dash right here.”

“Hey! I can take anything you have to say!”

I tousled her hair with a grin. “Keep on telling yourself that, Dashie.”

She glared up at me. “You know everypony hates it when you do that, Nav.”

“Well duh. Why do you think I do it?” She huffed and shook her head, somehow getting her hair back to the way it was before.

“Here we are.” Aaron pressed a hidden button on the wall and a scanner came out. He pushed his thumb down on it and then put his eye to another scanner that popped out. A second later, a hidden door slowly hissed open, pulling from the left and right sides and leaving a very wide door that we all entered.

I stopped when we got inside, a grin slowly forming on my face. “I think I just came,” I said, looking at the armory in front of me.

“I felt the same way when I first saw this place,” Aaron said with a laugh. “As soon as we talk with the quartermaster, we’ll get you to the firing line.”

An older looking fellow stepped out of a side door. “Ah, you are the one I was sent word about.” He looked me up and down. “I know what you need. Wait here.” He walked down the rows of guns and stopped at a dustier looking area. He walked down the row and I lost sight of him.

“So what kind of weapons do we have now?” I asked, walking over to a rack with some futuristic tech on it.

“We got laser tech down a few years ago. It’s decent for weapons against unarmored targets. We have some experimental plasma weapons as well. A lot of pulse stuff.” He pulled a submachine gun off one of the racks. “This here’s my kinda toy. A hundred rounds, negligible recoil. Good for crowd control. Not accurate past thirty meters, but that’s what the rest of the squad is for.” We heard the quartermaster coming back and he quickly put the SMG back on the shelf.

He was carrying a smallish rifle that looked like it had some kind of pump on it. “This here’s a pneumatic shotgun/carbine model. It was designed to take down single, unarmored targets using relatively common and easy to replace ammunition. Put something pointy in this thing, pump it, and pull the trigger. Pinpoint accurate out to two hundred meters. Small recoil, almost silent, extremely deadly, ammo’s easy to make as long as you’re using something that won’t shatter, and it has an extremely useful alternate fire. Pump it full to max, flip this switch here, and you have a shotgun with an immense spread, good for about twenty meters. It’ll toss just about anything into the air and send it flying.”

As cool as it was, it looked more like a basic upgrade to my crossbow. “I was hoping for something… I don’t know, a bit more deadly. You don’t have to tell me that bolts can kill—trust me, I know. But I’ve been using a crossbow that’s good for around a hundred meters if you know how to aim and you’re having a good day. The extra distance would be nice, but I want something that will kill someone if I hit them just about anywhere.”

He rolled his eyes. “Boy, you take anything heavier than this and it’ll throw your ass to the ground as soon as you pull the trigger.”

“I’m stronger than I look.”

“Sure ya are. Even if that’s the case, you still gotta worry about what you’re going to shoot. You take one of our fancy new plasma rifles, where are you going to get the coolant or the cells needed to keep it firing? You take a laser rifle, where are you going to get the focus crystals if any of them burn out? Or replace the battery? Hell kid, you take an old fashioned assault rifle, where are you going to get the brass or gun powder to keep it shooting? With this thing, you can just use your crossbow bolts, if they wouldn’t shatter from the force of this thing.”

“I know all that. I was still hoping you guys had figured something else out.”

“Well, we didn’t. Unless you want a useless club after your first shootout, this is your only choice.”

I sighed. “Can I at least shoot something heavy? You guys got any rocket launchers?”

“No! Sweet Jesus, boy! You trying to turn my damn firing range into a wasteland?!”

“Hey, if you’ve seen some of what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t mind blowing stuff up too. Now, shall we test this thing?” He rolled his eyes and passed me the little carbine. It was about three feet long, had a small scope on it, and a lever around the trigger. If I had to guess, I’d say it weighed in at around five or six pounds. “So why a carbine and not a full rifle?”

“Because the full rifle is longer than you are.” He looked at Aaron and said, “Take him to the range. I’ll be there in a few minutes with some ammo and some other gear I’m supposed to give him.”

“Yes sir.”

Dash finally looked up from where she had been looking at some of the heavier weapons. “Hey, what about me?”

The quartermaster jumped back at her voice, surprised. “Sweet lordy, you talk!” Dash just sighed and rolled her eyes. “…Sorry. No, you aren’t authorized to take anything.”

“Oh come on!”

“Dash, chill. It’s his job to make sure nothing gets misused. You can shoot that shitty pistol I made back home when we get back.”

“How are you supposed to shoot something anyway?” the old man asked. “You ain’t got no fingers.”

She lifted her wings up and curled them. “Most dexterous wings out there, ya old coot. Anything you can do, I can do!”

He grinned a dark, evil grin. “We’ll see about that, little missy.” He jerked his head back to the guard. “Get them to the range. I’ll be a bit longer than I thought.”

Aaron sighed, perhaps knowing what was about to happen. “Yes sir,” he morosely answered. “Come on.” He led us through the still open door and pressed another hidden button, getting the door to shut. He started down the hall and we followed.

“So, did Dash’s challenge put him in the mood to bring out the big guns?” I asked.

“No. He’s going to get his bow. If she can even pull that thing back, there’s no way she can get as accurate as him. If she can, he’ll be pulling her into the VR chamber, if he can even find one she’ll fit into. Then they’ll shoot the biggest sniper rifle you’ve ever seen at a target over two kilometers away.”

“Without practice? That’ll be funny to see.”

Dash scoffed. “Can’t be that hard. Just point at the target, right?”

“At short range, sure,” I said. “At that kind of range? You have to take a bunch of things into account. Wind, temperature, gravity, curvature of the planet… Probably more. I’ve never shot farther than three hundred yards.”

“What the hell’s a yard?” Aaron asked as he interacted with another series of hidden buttons.

“It’s an older term for meter.” Well, it might as well be. “Thirty-five years seems a bit short to have completely forgotten about them, though.” A very similar set of doors hissed open and we walked on into a very large underground range that had no people in it. “Where is everyone?”

“With their families or on break, probably,” Aaron answered. I need to stop forgetting the season.

“Lucky them. So can we shoot this thing or what?”

“The old man didn’t give us any ammo, so no. I can go ahead and get the range set up, though.” He walked over to one of the many firing lanes and pushed some buttons on the side of the wall. “Normally we’d be using headgear, but he said this thing is silent and I know his bow isn’t that loud. Man, I’ve never even seen a rifle like that.”

I could see the results of his button pressing as four targets at varying distances popped up. Looked like fifty, one hundred, one-fifty, and two hundred meters.

“It’s pretty light for something as long as it is,” I said, lifting it up and putting my eye to the scope. “Decent magnification.”

“From the looks of that scope, it can go thermal and probably light gathering,” he said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it can zoom in and out as well. I’ll let the gunny show you how it works so I don’t break anything.”

The only problem I had with the way the rifle was built was that the scope was actually built into the rifle itself, so I couldn’t aim down the sights.

“Can I look?” Dash asked as I brought the scope back to my eyes.

I passed the rifle to her. “Be careful. And don’t put your eye right on the scope, give it some room.” It took her a few seconds to get it angled right, but eventually she gasped.

“It’s like it’s right in front of me!”

“…You’re looking at me, Dash,” I said.

She pulled her head away from the scope. “…Oh.” She jerked the rifle away from me and looked at something else. “It’s still pretty awesome. What were those other things he mentioned? Thermal and that light thing?”

“Thermal lets you see heat signatures. Basically, if something is warm, you’ll see it. Light gathering lets you see easier in the dark, not that I’ll need that.”

The doors hissed open as the old man walked in, carrying a large container in each hand. One definitely looked like a bow case, while the other presumably had ammo for my new toy.

He walked up to our firing lane and gently set both down. “In this crate is everything you’re getting. Heavy laptop, ammo, all-purpose solar chargers, and a two-way radio set. On the laptop is everything you can find on the servers here, plus schematics for the rifle you have, the ammo, and the magazines.”

“It comes with mags? Fuck yes.”

He lifted a finger and warned, “The magazines only work with the standard ammo. You try putting something else in there and they might break or jam. With a mag, it becomes a standard semi-automatic rifle. They have ten shots each. You gotta open the breach and let it breathe for a few seconds every time you swap a mag or put in a single round.” He knelt down and popped the crate open. “Each round is fairly light.” He reached in and pulled out a rather long magazine that looked like it fit in the bottom of the rifle. “You’ve fired a gun before, right?”

“Yep.”

He passed me the mag. “See if you can figure it out.”

All things told, the rifle was pretty standard in terms of loading, or at least that’s how it looked to me. There was a bolt that was easy enough to pull and lock back. I slipped the mag in gently, making sure the pointy side of the metal sliver poking out was pointing toward the barrel. When I heard it click, I let it go and tugged the bolt back so it jerked forward, locking the round.

“Easy enough,” he said, nodding. “Here’s your safety.” He reached over and turned a switch all the way up. “Down is safe. Middle is shotgun. Top is normal fire.” He nodded down the lane. “Fifty meters.”

I lifted the rifle up, smiling. It’s nice to have a real weapon in my hands again. I lined the scope up onto the head of the human-shaped target and fired. “Boom, headshot,” I whispered, my smile growing. I switched to the hundred meter one and fired. I was off, but not by much. I took a second to steady my aim and fired again. The recoil was so negligible I barely got off target at all. Finally, I moved to the two hundred meter shot. I knelt down and propped the rifle onto the small table in front of me to steady it. After a few breathers, I fired. I was aiming at the center of mass because I didn’t know how the rifle would fare.

Little bit of drop. Not much. I corrected for that small amount and finished the magazine off. “Not perfect aim, but good enough to kill,” I said, standing up and turning back. The old man was smiling, Dash looked kind of bored, and Aaron looked impressed.

“Alright,” the old dude said, nodding. “Let me show you how the scope works.” I held the rifle up and he walked over. “This here’s your scope setting. Right now, it’s on normal. This sets it to thermal.” He flicked the switch. “This sets it to light gathering.” He flicked the switch the other way. He then set it back to normal. “This button changes magnification. You can go from one to ten. I’m sure you know what all of those mean. The top button increases it, the bottom button decreases it. If the scope runs out of power, there’s a charger for it in the all-purpose solar kit.”

“Awesome. But if I can charge a scope with it, why can’t I charge a battery for a laser weapon?”

“Because you could never get the amount of energy it takes compacted well enough using a solar charger. I don’t really know how to explain it. Ask an engineer or something if you want a real answer. Either way, it looks like you know how to shoot. Just a note: You can probably reuse the rounds you fire outta that thing, if you can find them again. Just check them over for damage.”

“How do I break the rifle down?”

“I don’t remember off the top of my head. The air rifles were never that popular. We only have a few in stock, just in case. Check the schematics on the laptop. You’ll probably find the info there. Any other questions?”

“None I can think of.”

“Good. Now come over here, girly.” He grabbed his bow case. “You think you can do anything I can? Let’s see.”

He carried his case to another lane, Dash following him with a smirk. I knelt down to the crate and found five more magazines, each fully loaded. There was also an ammo box that was presumably full of rounds.

I popped the spent mag out, let the breach close, and popped in a new mag. As a final safety measure, I put it on safe.

“That was some pretty awesome shooting,” Aaron commented as I opened the ammo box.

“I got a lot of practice with a crossbow. Nothing at those distances, though.” I began to load up the spent magazine.

“That’s even more amazing, then.”

“I’m part tree. I don’t flinch much.” I finished loading the empty mag and tried slipping it into a pocket to find the pants I had on didn’t have any. Note to self, get cargo pants. I set the magazine in the crate with everything else and closed the ammo box. I gently set the rifle down and pulled out the laptop before closing the crate and sitting on top of it. “How long do you think this is going to take?” I asked as I booted it up.

“Not long. I don’t think she’ll be able to pull that thing back.”

“Won’t stop her from trying for half an hour…” I immediately turned the shitty touchscreen option off and opened the rifle schematics that were thankfully right on the desktop. I started poring through them, trying to find the information I needed to break the rifle down to more manageable parts.

Ten minutes later, I had the gun down to a much more manageable mess of parts. When I looked up and saw that Dash was struggling to use her wings to pull back the bow, I put the rifle back together and test fired it once. When it worked just fine I pulled the magazine out and slung the rifle around my back.

At that point, Dash was finally ready to admit defeat, something I almost never see from her. “Stupid bow,” she muttered as Aaron led us back to the elevator.

I wisely decided to keep my mouth shut. After a look from me, Aaron did the same. When we got to my room, Dash followed me in, kicking the door shut in Aaron’s face.

“That wasn’t very nice,” I said as I put the awkward case down on the bed.

She huffed, walking to the bed. “Stupid humans with your stupid hands…” She sighed and collapsed onto it. “What’s with all these clothes, anyway?”

“All I had in my drawers were female clothes. I looted these from someone else’s room.”

She poked at a pair of socks. “Clothes are clothes. What’s the difference?”

I walked over to the clothing drawer and pulled out a very lacy thong. “Can you imagine me wearing this?”

“…Does that go on your head or something?”

“It goes on my lower head, yes.”

It took her a second, but she got it. She flinched back, a blush slowly forming on her face. “Oh… That doesn’t really seem comfortable.”

“It’s not, for a guy. I don’t know if it is for a chick or not.”

“Why would they even wear something like that?”

“To look sexy, of course. And fuck does it work.” I dropped the panties back into the drawer and kicked it shut so Rarity didn’t get any ideas. “You’ve never seen a naked chick before, have you?”

“Nope. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without clothes either…”

“Let’s keep it that way.” I walked over to the computer and turned it on. “Remember when I mentioned porn?”

“Yeah?”

“They’re videos of sex. I’ll see if I can find any lesbo shit so you can see what clothes can do.”

“I dunno, Nav… Won’t that be kinda awkward?”

“Hey, if you’re going to be getting laid, don’t you want to know some things first?”

“Well… I guess it can’t hurt.” I found the appropriate folder on the computer and looked up some lesbian stuff. Two minutes passed. “…This was a bad idea,” she whispered, fighting to keep her wings down. Her eyes were glued to the screen and a blush was very present on her face.

The only bad idea here was not moving my clothes first. Dash was rather noticeably aroused at the human women. I surreptitiously began pulling clothes off the bed. When I had everything I could get piled on top of the dresser, I closed the porn window. “I think that’s enough of that,” I said, turning back to her.

She flinched and awkwardly laughed. “Ye-yeah… I’m gonna go… get some rest, or something. Seeyoulater!” She bolted out of my room.

“Dammit Nav,” Ryan said over the intercom. “Now I have to watch another horse wank off.”

“Hey, at least Fancy Pants isn’t doing it.”

He sighed. “Small blessings…”

“Yep. So you hear any word about when we’re going to get to go into the city?”

“Tonight. You’ll be forbidden from entering any kind of bar or club. You are also to stick together so you can be shown around. The city is… confusing for those not used to it.”

“We will get to go to bars and shit later, right?”

“As far as I know.”

“Awesome. That’s still where people go to get laid, right?”

“If I knew that, do you think I would be asking you for help to get laid?”

“Eh, I’ll figure something out. Who’s going to be my guide?”

“I don’t know. Today’s the last day of the break most of us get for Christmas, so everyone is milking it. I imagine you’ll get a volunteer or something. I would go, but I don’t get up to the city that often.”

“What can you tell me about it?”

He took a few seconds to answer, and I saw something happening on my computer. I looked over and saw what looked like a map. “Hold on, this is about to get weird for you.” What I thought was a webcam on the computer lit up and some kind of holograph shot out of it. “This is a map. The closest thing I can equate the city to is an old-style indoor mall. It has several levels and various ways to get up and down. Some of the ‘stores’ take up multiple levels. City isn’t really the right word for it, but that’s what people call it.”

I was looking over the map, trying to make sense of it. “What do the different colors represent?”

“Districts. Green is shopping, grey is industrial, blue is security, red is red light, white is housing, yellow is food places, and orange is entertainment.” Green, yellow, and orange were rather spread out. Blue dotted the area here and there. White, grey, and red had large blobs to themselves, though the red light district wasn’t really all that large.

“Now when you say red light, do you mean hookers and shit like that?”

“Nope. Well, some stuff like that. Google does not and will never support sex crimes, despite rumors to the contrary. However, that doesn’t mean illegal things aren’t happening under our noses. Most buildings aren’t wired, after all. That’s just where most of the bars and clubs are. Now, your friend Fancy Pants probably won’t find anything he likes there, but I think you and Rainbow Dash will. Rarity is all over the place, though. Am I guessing correctly that Dash is a carpet muncher?”

“Yep.”

One part of the red light area lit up. “This is the lesbian bar. I know almost nothing about it other than where it is.” One of the orange areas lit up. “This is a manga place that Rarity might like.”

“Hell no. I’m not turning her into a shitty otaku weaboo, or whatever those… people… are called. Where’s a fashion place or something? She likes fashion.”

There was silence for a few long seconds before one of the green areas lit up. “I don’t know much about fashion.” Another orange place lit up. “And here’s something Fancy Pants might enjoy. When I find out who your guide is, I’ll ask him to show you to all these places. You probably won’t actually be allowed in them tonight, but this way you can find them easier later.”

“Awesome. Hey, are there any religious people here?”

“Not openly. This here’s a modern day Rapture.” I didn’t expect to hear a Bioshock reference this far into the future, but okay. “You’ll be an oddity, but you won’t be worshipped. Expect a lot of attention on you and your friends. Mostly your friends. Some of the little ones don’t know much about horses and might think a petting zoo came to town.”

“That’s… gonna be kinda awkward. But it’s also going to be hilarious. I assume everyone has been warned about us already?”

“Yeah. Still, kids will be kids.”

“Where can I go to get better fitted clothes?”

“Don’t worry about that. The boss is sending a tailor or something to measure you for some clothes tomorrow.”

“You guys keep referring to a boss. Who is he?”

“Oh, just the guy that manages the day-to-day affairs of the bunker. You’ll probably never meet him.”

I shrugged before thinking of something. “Hey, what’s this place even called? I keep hearing people say the bunker and shit like that, but never an actual name.”

He groaned. “You don’t want to know.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“You know how a duplex has two families?” I groaned, knowing what was coming. “Yeah. You’re in the Googleplex.”

“I hate you so much.”

“To be fair, that was the name of their headquarters before they built this place. They just saw a different use for the name and here we are.”

I sighed, massaging my temple. “So what can I do for an hour?” I asked, looking back to the map.

“I dunno. Rarity’s watching Cowboy Bebop, Fancy Pants is reading some book I opened for him, and Dash is… Good lord, she’s flexible. I should demand a higher pay for this shit.”

“Hm… I don’t suppose it’s possible to put her camera to my computer screen, is there?”

“Dude, that’s sick.”

“Just checking. I’m going to fiddle with my gun, if you know what I mean.”

“Ugh…”

I grinned and walked over to where I left my rifle, trying to remember all the instructions to disassemble it. I had it broken down soon enough. I expected I still had a few days before I needed to start worrying about getting pulled away from the world by the spell wearing off, but I was going to take as few chances as possible. My plan was to get some bags from town to keep the supplies I got on me at all times. That way, even if I did get pulled from the world, I would hopefully still have the important stuff on me.

Until then, I wasn’t going to have the rifle in any kind of usable state. I didn’t want to risk it. When I finished breaking it apart, I started organizing files in my laptop and was at that until I got a knock at my door.

I closed the laptop and was about to get it when it opened anyway. “You ready?” an irate sounding Jessica asked.

I internally sighed and got to my feet. “Yeah. I’ll get the others.”

The intercom turned on and Ryan said, “Got you covered.” A few seconds later, I heard some of the other doors open as I walked to the hall. Jessica went out of her way to make sure she was as far from me as possible.

Dash was the first out, of course. I could tell from her damp-looking coat that she had just gotten out of the shower. Or at least, I was hoping it was a shower; if she got that sweaty, there was a problem. Fancy Pants and Rarity didn’t take much longer.

“So we’re finally going to the city?” Dash asked, excited.

“Yes,” Jessica snapped. “Now come on.” She started stalking down the hall to the elevators.

“It was just a question,” Dash muttered, falling in next to me as we followed her.

“Well at least we’re finally getting out of these cramped rooms,” Rarity happily said, joining the line behind miss bitchypants. “Even with all the new things to watch, it has been getting somewhat lonely.”

None of us graced that with an answer. In fact, the silence pretty much lasted until the elevator dropped us off on one of the higher floors.

“This is the highest point of the city,” Jessica told us, sounding less unhappy than before. “It’s not really a city, as that would be rather inefficient. The designers tried to maximize blah blah, let’s just go.” She led us to a glass railing and nodded her head down. “There it is. There aren’t any shops on the top floor, as this is mostly just used for moving around.”

The three ponies had to stand on their hind legs to look down. All four of us were staring at the sight in wonderment.

“Now I’m really mad my wings don’t work,” Dash whispered.

Jessica snorted. “You couldn’t fly through here if you wanted to.” She put a hand on the railing and vaulted over it. All of us jerked and gasped in surprise, only to find her standing there and bouncing up and down slightly. “Very fine, see-through netting makes sure that anyone that does manage to fall over the railing will be fine.” She casually jumped back over the railing. “I don’t suggest trying to walk on it, though. Now let’s go down a floor.”

When we got onto the elevator, she explained that we weren’t supposed to go into any stores or anything like that. Turns out most of them were still closed.

“I’m surprised we don’t have the tech to get robots to run everything,” I said.

“We do,” she answered as the elevators opened. “But as it turns out, people get very bored when they don’t work. Most of the hard stuff is done by robots and most of the customer service is done by people.”

“What about… Oh hell.” We stepped off the elevator and into a ton of stares. They ranged from Jessica’s uniform to my wings and hair to the three ponies—even though Dash was the most noticeable, the other two still had horns.

I was used to stares from ponies. I was used to the whispers from a number of different races. But seeing that look on my own people… Fuck, man. I felt my wings slowly folding as tightly against my back as I could get them.

Surprisingly, Jessica came to our rescue. “Move along, people. We already told you about them.”

It was either her tone or the fact that she had moved her rifle to her hands in the elevator and was caressing it like she would a child, but either way, the people slowly continued moving again. Not that there were many of them, as I took a second to look.

She dropped her rifle and let the sling hold it up as she turned back to us. “Why my dad is making you keep those ugly things out, I will never understand,” she said, glaring at my wings. “At least you could be partially accepted down here…” Her eyes moved to mine. “Assuming you were wearing contacts. Now let’s go.”

I was somewhat surprised to hear anything even halfway nice coming out of her mouth. However, some people apparently pay more attention to other things. “Did you just call his wings ugly?” Dash asked somewhat hotly.

I didn’t like where this was going one little bit. “Dash, chill.”

“Yes, I did,” Jessica answered with a grin.

“Dash, don’t.” She opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off. “I swear to God, I will hurt you if you say a word.” She huffed and closed her mouth, looking away. Jessica smirked and kept walking. I grabbed one of Dash’s ears and bent in to whisper, “She’s trying to piss us off so we get banned from the city. Deal with her for an hour or two and that will be that.”

She snorted as Jessica said, “Don’t fall behind!” We started leisurely catching up to the group that honestly didn’t get all that far ahead of us. Rarity and Fancy Pants were doing the whole tourist thing, looking at everything they could. Dash spent most of her time glaring at Jessica. I was tempted to fuck with her by asking if she liked what she saw, but I wasn’t about to go there.

And of course, all the people stared at us as we walked.

I don’t feel like describing the entire city. Needless to say, it was fucking awesome. Think Mall of America, if you’ve ever been there. Of course, there was a lot less in the way of mindless consumerism in this place, since it was populated by survivalists, but it was still pretty bad.

When we got back on the elevator to go down, a few hours had passed. The ponies were rather excited to be spending time in the city on the next day. I pointed out what Ryan had said were good spots for them, though I intended to drop them off personally when the time came.

“So what are we gonna do about money?” I asked as Jessica led us back to our rooms.

“You’ll be given cards tomorrow,” she said. “Spending limit of a thousand credits a week. More than anyone given free room and board should need.”

“I assume they work the same as a debit card?”

“Yes, minus the annoying pin number business. The cashiers will get a special message when they swipe the cards. If it isn’t one of you four using them, there will be problems.”

“What happens if we go over the limit on accident?”

“The cards will stop working if you hit the limit. I don’t know what the prices are compared to what they were. I know a typical t-shirt costs twenty credits, so you can do the math yourself.”

“Good enough.” We finally got to our rooms. “Thanks for showing us around.”

She huffed and said, “No problem.” She almost sounded disappointed.

I really didn’t want her to hate me and I kind of wanted to talk to her alone, but I didn’t know how to invite her inside my room without sounding like a fucking pervert. I’m bad at dealing with people that hate me, as it turns out.

Either way, she left the four of us there.

“I can’t wait to learn more about human fashion!” Rarity happily said, not that any of us cared.

“And I can’t wait to see the bars!” Dash added. “I bet they’re livelier than most Equestrian ones!”

“And I quite want to see the Gentleman’s Club,” Fancy said. “I wonder if they’ll let me in…”

I just grunted and walked into my room, trying to get the horrible feeling out of my gut.

A minute later, Dash followed me in and found me on the bed, staring at the ceiling. She kicked the door shut and walked over. “What’s wrong, Nav?”

“That Doctor Anonymous is me, Dash. That’s my life if things had been different. And Jessica is—or could have been—my daughter. But she wants nothing to do with me. I get that she doesn’t want two fathers or whatever, but why would she be so bitchy about it? And did you see the stares we were all getting? I’m used to being watched and getting stared at by ponies or all the other races, but my own people? It hurts. A lot. I fucking hate these wings, Dash… Is it really too much to ask to be allowed to pretend to be normal for just one fucking day?”

“If miss crabbypants doesn’t want to hang out, it’s her loss, dude. And so what if she doesn’t like you? You have Taya. She seems like a much better daughter.” She hopped on the bed and grabbed one of my wings, laying it out on the bed, and lying down on it. “And if the others don’t like your wings, they don’t know what they’re missing. These things are awesome.” She lifted one of hers to my face and brushed my cheek. “See that? Soft enough to sleep on.”

Dash is really, really bad at pep talks… But having someone here to even try is good enough, I suppose. “Whatever. You made your point well enough. Now, I’m going to bed.”

“Cool.” She didn’t move.

“So…”

“Psh, I’m not going anywhere. I told you, soft enough to sleep on.”

I couldn’t help a smile. “Goodnight then, Dashie.”

“Don’t make me kick you.”

Of course, the light was still on, but whoever was manning the cameras was kind enough to turn it off for us. We drifted off quietly.

Chapter Seventy-Five—Thank God I’m chaotic something

Chapter Seventy-Five—Thank God I’m chaotic something

I learned a valuable lesson that night: Never sleep in the same bed with Dash when both of us are sober. I was woken up by a rather painful kick to the stomach. When I groaned and rolled away from the violent sleeping pony, I realized two more things: I didn’t have a blanket over me because it was all over her, and that I was on the edge of the bed.

I sighed and stood up from the floor, looking over to see if Dash had even been disturbed. She looked like she was about as scrunched up as possible, using as much of the blanket as possible. And good God did she look cute as hell for some reason.

“I’ve been in Equestria too long,” I muttered as I walked over to the dresser to get clothes for the day. I knew I was due to be measured by a tailor or something, so I was hoping I could get clothes that actually fit me soon.

In the meantime, I took a shower and changed. It really was nice to have a human-sized shower; I had to hunch over to use any shower that wasn’t either in my house or in the palace.

When I got out, Dash was still in bed, lightly snoring. I checked my clock and found out that honestly I probably shouldn’t have been awake yet. That said, if Dash was going to kick me awake, I wasn’t going to share the curse of consciousness alone. I lifted one of my wings and brushed the tip of it across her nose, tickling her.

One of her hooves shifted to brush me away and she rolled over. I giggled and walked to the other side of the bed before repeating the process. Eventually she sneezed, jolting awake with a start. I ripped my wing back to my body and tried to hide my smirk.

“Finally awake, Dashie?” I pleasantly asked.

She groaned, rubbing her eyes. “I was having the weirdest dream. Did we ever go to Las Pegasus?”

“Nope. Ryan, you there?”

The intercom opened up. “Nope,” a female voice answered. “He’s off today. What do you need?”

“I don’t suppose you could give me your name?” I sweetly asked.

“I could, but I won’t.”

I shrugged and asked, “Then can you send food orders down to the kitchens?”

“I can do that. What do you want?”

Chili isn’t much of a breakfast food, so I wasn’t expecting them to have that. “Bacon and waffles. Dash?”

Dash grunted again and looked around blearily. “Whatever he’s having,” she tiredly answered, not really paying attention. As soon as she stopped speaking, she fell back into bed.

I was about to tell the intercom lady to not bother with her bacon, but she spoke up before I could with, “It’ll be there shortly, then.” I shrugged and figured I’d eat the bacon for her.

But… “Hey, can you also send coffee and some vitamin D up?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Awesome.” The intercom shut off and I looked back down at Dash, who seemed to be about to fall asleep again. I poked her a few times. She lightly kicked at me with a back hoof. I easily dodged and kept poking.

“Stupid morning ponies,” she sighed, turning on her side and curling up.

“Dammit Dash, how do you expect to deal with one night stands if you can’t get up in the morning?”

She sighed and uncurled, sitting up again. “Fiiiiine.” She rolled off the bed and caught herself like a cat before muttering something about a shower and walking to my bathroom, head low. She bumped into the wall next to the bathroom door since she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going. She shook her head and finally managed to get into the bathroom.

The intercom opened up again and the woman said, “So a pony, huh? Does that make you a horsefucker?”

“Hey, I have yet to have sex with Dash. I have fucked a few of them, though, and not always by choice. But it’s not bestiality, it’s xenophilia. Sexy, sexy xenophilia.”

“You have mental problems.” The intercom shut off again and I just chuckled, walking over to the computer. I opened up some music and sat back, listening to it with a grin on my face.

It has been way, way too long.

As the final notes of “I’m Still Here” rang out, I found myself being pulled backwards, the chair jerking away from the computer. My eyes shot open from their relaxed state and I tried to hop up to confront my attacker, but I was spun around and found Dash staring at me.

And then I was pulled into a furry and moist hug. “I’m sorry, Nav,” she whispered.

“…Dash, what are you doing?”

“Nav, I know I’m not good with this mushy stuff, or the ‘hard parts of friendship,’ as Twilight calls it, but I’m here for you.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“I heard that song, Nav.”

I thought back to what I had been listening to and the lyrics in it before sighing. “Dammit Dash, it’s just a fucking song. I like that kind of music. Chill the fuck out.”

She didn’t let go. “You know songs mean more than that to ponies. When we listen to music—and when we sing—there’s a reason for it. Tell me it’s not the same here.”

“It’s not, Dash. I listen to this stuff because I like it. Chill the fuck out and let me go; you’re getting my clothes wet.”

She sighed and finally pulled away. “I’m here for you, man. I know this is hard for you.”

“I know, Dash. You’ve only told me that several times already.” And that’s when the short song that came on after the other one ended and “Abandoned” by Kamelot started playing. I quickly spun around and stopped it, as much as I love Kamelot. “So you want to watch a movie or what?”

“Nav, when I said I was here for you… Well, I’m going to need your help with something too.”

“What do you need?” I asked, turning back around.

“I’m… going into heat tonight. If we can’t find a female to help me… Do you think you’d be able to help me out?”

“Just so I’m sure, are you asking me to have sex with you if we aren’t able to get you laid?”

“It doesn’t have to be that much! It’s just… well, being in heat is hard. A good rutting would calm me down, though. Keeping me distracted works just as well.”

“Just throwing this out there, but why me and not Rarity?”

“Nav, she’s a total prude. She’d be willing to help keep me distracted, but she would never agree to rut me if I really needed it. You uh… you kinda have a reputation… And I know what those hands can do!” Her wings shivered and ruffled as her eyes flicked down to my hands.

“I kind of figured you’d need a female for this anyway. Aren’t you still a dyke?”

She gave me a rather flat stare before rolling her eyes. “Nav, I can’t fight my body. During heat, it doesn’t matter what I’m attracted to. I’m hoping this one will be mild, since it’s winter here, but if it goes by the seasons in our world, this’ll be a rough one.”

“Don’t you worry, Dash. I’ll do what it takes. Now, what do you want to watch?”

Before she could answer, we heard a knock at the door. I sighed and hopped up to get it. On the other side was a cart of food, but sadly no Cici. “Where’s Cecilia?” I asked the guy pushing the cart.

“She’s off today,” he answered.

I sighed and grabbed the cart. “Well, thanks for the food. You’re a good person, or something.” I pulled the cart in while he tried to figure out what the fuck I was talking about. I had the door shut before he could say anything else. “Man oh man, I haven’t had coffee in a while.” There were two mugs for it, so I poured us both one.

“Nav, what is that black stuff?”

“The key to waking up. You’re a pony and thus you like way too much sugar and shit, so let me make it drinkable for you.” Thankfully, there was creamer and sugar with it. I put a dollop of both in both mugs while she pulled the top off the tray.

“Why is there meat with both of these?”

“Because I asked for bacon and you asked for what I was having.”

She sighed and poked at it before getting a thoughtful expression on her face. “Nav… what does meat taste like?”

“Like sex in my mouth. Why?”

“Well… It’s already here.” Before I could stop her, she lifted a strip of bacon to her mouth and bit into it, chewing a few times. “It’s… not bad. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s like mouth sex, but it’s not bad.” She finished the strip of bacon off.

“Huh. Well, if you get sick, don’t blame me. Here, wash it down with this.” I passed her the mug. “It’s hot, so don’t burn yourself.”

“I’m not a foal, Nav.” She carefully lifted it up to her mouth and took a sip. “Huh.” She took a deeper drink and her eyes fucking lit up as it apparently hit her system. “This feels amazing!” I could barely understand that, she spoke so quickly. She tried drinking more, only to apparently burn her tongue; she jerked the mug away from her mouth, her tongue sticking out and a look of pain on her face.

“I warned you, bro,” I said with a smile, pulling one of the plates over to me. I hit the waffles with some butter and some syrup while she tried to get some functionality back in her tongue. “Ah, I missed this stuff,” I sighed as I started eating.

“It’s the same stuff we have!” she said, lisping slightly.

“There are differences. Small ones, but they’re there. The syrup is sweeter, the butter is better, and the waffles are made with a different kind of flour. And the best part is that there are no shitty horse puns anywhere.”

She sniffed and quickly devoured everything on her plate, including the bacon I was planning on stealing. She then finished off her coffee before I could even finish my damn waffles. “You gonna drink that?” she asked, eying my coffee cup.

“Dash, if I give you any more, you’ll probably have a heart attack. You’re already bouncing in place. You could probably run around a mountain right now and keep going.”

“Hm… I bet I could outrun the guards!”

She jumped up and sprinted to the door, but I managed to grab her tail before she could open it. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere. Intercom lady, lock the door.” I heard a deadbolt slide into place and let Dash go. She staggered from suddenly being released and tried opening the door. She sighed when it didn’t work. “Now sit your blue ass back down. I shouldn’t have to explain this, but human guards are not like royal guards in Equestria. There, you might get a fine. Here, you might get shot in the face, which will lead to a terminal case of death. We are not going to fuck with security, because no matter how fast you think you are, you won’t be faster than the bullet coming for you.”

She rolled her eyes and walked back to the bed. “You’re no fun.”

“No, I’m just not hopped up on caffeine. No more coffee for you while we’re here. I’ll try to get some information to grow this shit and set it up in Equestria, though. It should be funny to see what happens to some of the other ponies.”

Her eyes got a faraway look on them before she opened them very wide and practically flew into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Yeah, that’s one of the downsides of coffee,” I said to no one as I worked on finishing breakfast. I also downed the vitamin D pills that thankfully came with breakfast and immediately felt better.

A few minutes later, a miserable Dash came out of the bathroom. “I hate human toilets,” she sighed, flopping onto the floor.

I didn’t comment. I finished breakfast in silence and was about to say something else when there was a knock at the door, followed by the deadbolt unlocking. I walked over and found two guards on the other side. “Hey, do you know where that blue pony is?” one of them asked. I stepped out of the way so they could see her. “…Oh. Well, the doc wants to talk to her.”

“Dash, go with them. And behave.”

“What does he want?” she warily asked, eyeing the guards.

“How should I know?” the dude asked. “As far as I know, he just wants to talk. He spoke to the two white ones yesterday, and now it’s your turn.”

She shrugged and hopped up, walking to the door. “Don’t try anything funny,” she warned as she walked out. “And Nav, don’t go into the city without me!”

I smiled and nodded. “I’ll make sure to get you when we leave.”

“Good.” And with that, I was alone again.

I went back to the computer and continued messing around until there was another knock at my door. I sighed and pulled myself away from the computer to answer it. Fancy Pants greeted me warmly when I let him in.

“What do you need?” I asked when he was inside and the greeting was gone.

“This is an awkward thing to talk about and honestly it can’t be done easily. Rarity mentioned something to me and I want to know if it’s true.”

“If the next words out of your mouth involve anything about me being a girl on the inside or wanting to be a girl, I will hurt you.”

He hastily lifted a hoof in a placating gesture. “I was just making sure. What has gotten into that mare, to make her think such a thing?”

“I don’t know, but she needs to get over it before we get back. I do not want her to bring this shit up with anyone back home. My reputation is bad enough. I don’t need to add this to it.”

“And how do you propose to do so?”

“Well, the easiest option would be to give her a good dicking, but I really don’t feel like touching her again. Other than that, I really don’t know what to do.”

“Well, I wish I had a solution for you, but this… This is a rather unique problem. I trust that you, of all ponies, can handle it.”

“Eh. If all else fails, Celestia owes me some favors. I can just have her wipe the memory from Rarity’s mind. And if not, maybe I can finally use this to convince everyone that Rarity’s insane and get her institutionalized.” I’ve been trying to get enough proof for years. She’s good at hiding it.

“That just seems overly cruel. I’m sure you can talk her out of this, Nav. If you can talk Chrysalis down, surely Rarity will be easier.”

“I had the entire might of the Equestrian Empire behind me when I dealt with Chrysalis. I also had the fact that I could kill her at any time. I have just a little less going for me when dealing with Rarity. Hey, maybe it’ll blow over and I won’t have to do anything at all.”

“That would certainly be one way of dealing with it. I think I shall go and talk to her on your behalf. Maybe between the two of us we can convince her.”

“Good luck. If you need anything else, you know where I am.” Before he could step out, there came another knock at my door. “Christ, I’m popular today.” I walked on over and opened it to find a hulking fellow in a full suit of leather. Holy shit. “Can I help you?”

He looked me up and down, frowning. “She was right,” he finally said with a nod. His head jerked up to Fancy Pants. “You, out. I’m measuring him for clothes.”

“You’re the tailor?” I said, incredulous.

“Yes, I am. You will refer to me as Master.”

There was silence in the room for five seconds. “…Did you talk to Rarity?” I asked.

“I might have knocked on the wrong door first, but that is no business of yours.”

“Fancy, don’t you dare leave. No offense, but you look like a fucking professional dominatrix, and I ain’t taking no chances.”

“I would hardly say professional. So I take it you don’t want my services?”

“I want the services you have to offer that involve giving me a new set of decent clothes that I can wear in public without fear of upsetting cultural norms as they were thirty years ago. Nothing more.”

He grinned widely. “Ooh, you’ll be a tough one to crack. But the best ones always are.”

…

I slammed the door in his face and locked it. “This may be more of a problem than we thought,” I said, backing away from the door.

“Navarone… what is a dominatrix?”

He started banging on the door. “I was joking!” he called through it. “I’ll just measure you and leave.”

“If you molest me, I will end you,” I said through the door.

The banging stopped. “Fair enough,” was all he said. I opened the door and backed up, granting him entrance. “I don’t usually work with male partners anyway. I much prefer girls. And even then, it’s only a hobby. Name’s Kincaid.”

I nodded. “Navarone.” I jerked my head toward the pony on the bed. “Fancy Pants. Yes, that’s his real name. Now, don’t listen to Rarity. She has mental problems.”

“Very well, though I can’t help but wonder what kind of mental problems would drive someone to accuse somebody of that.” I just sighed. “Eh, I guess women are the same everywhere. Shall we get started?”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Get undressed. What kind of clothes do you want?”

“Something with a lot of pockets and something that’s very durable. And if you could get me a badass leather duster, that would be cool. I don’t know if you have the equipment or the knowhow to make chainmail, but that would also be useful.”

“I don’t know about chainmail, but I can make you something that’s stronger and lighter. I suppose I owe you that much for listening to that white unicorn.” His eyes flicked to Fancy for a second and he added, “The other white unicorn.” He smirked at me. “I don’t suppose you know a Lady Amalthea?”

“…Who?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” I shrugged and stripped down. He pulled out a tape measure and a pad and started measuring me. “You know, a lot of people these days don’t care about getting custom fitted clothes. Sure, machines do most of the work, but if clothes aren’t measured, they’ll lack a certain something, you know?”

“I really don’t,” I answered, trying not to shudder as his cold hands guided the tape measurer around me. “I don’t pay much attention to that. I just don’t want to look like a fucking gangsta or something, wearing those overly large clothes around. I also really need a lot of pockets. If you want to talk fashion, talk to Rarity on a day she isn’t being crazy.”

“Hm. There we go.” He pulled his cold hands away from me. “You know, she tried to get me to agree to make you a set of girl clothes. Really skimpy stuff, too. Woulda been real cute on you.”

“I trust you told her to eat a dick.”

“Not quite. I told her I’d think about it.” He made a few more notes on his pad. “I got everything I need. If I can’t get you stuff made from the carbon nanotubes, it’ll be ready in half an hour. If I can, it’ll be here in an hour.”

“Holy fuck. That fast?”

“Machines, man. They work fast. I’ll send someone to drop everything off when it’s ready.”

“Awesome.” I grabbed my pants and hastily put them on, not liking how his gaze shifted.

“You know, you look like you need to eat more.”

“Yes, thank you.”

He grinned and partially bowed. “Then I bid you adieu. Maybe we’ll… meet again one day.” His voice and tone made me slightly uncomfortable.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” I answered.

He shrugged. “Suit yourself.” And with that, the creepy tailor was gone, hopefully forever.

I turned back to Fancy. “Yeah, you need to go talk to Rarity. Get her to stop telling everyone and their mother her little bullshit theory about me. Threaten to abuse her if you have to. Or worse, threaten to ruin her name in Canterlot. I don’t care what you have to do, get her to drop this.”

He grunted in distaste. “I dislike the idea of using my position to get others to do things, Navarone. I may consider you a friend, but that does not mean I would abuse my power for you. I will try to convince her to stop, but I can make no promises. I’ll go speak with her right now.”

“Thank you.” He left and I was finally alone again.

“You know,” the intercom said, “you would be really cute.”

“Not interested.”

“Just sayin’.” And then the intercom shut off and I was actually alone. Hopefully.

I went back to messing around on the computer, lacking anything else to do. I needed to wait for my clothes and for Rainbow before I could do anything. An hour later, both of them arrived at the same time. Dash collapsed on the bed while I opened one of the several packages a delivery guy dropped off.

“Have fun?” I asked her while I examined the shirt I had been given.

“Not really. The other you isn’t a very nice po—person, Nav.”

“I’m not a very nice person either,” I said while opening another package. “What the fu—God dammit.” I unfolded the very pink blouse and found two things. First, a note fell out when I unfolded it. And second, the word ‘slut’ was printed across the front of the shirt. I set the note aside and explored the rest of the package. I unfolded a very small thong that looked like it was made to hide something and a frilly miniskirt.

“What are those?” Dash asked, looking up.

“A bad joke,” I sighed, setting them down and opening the note.

‘Just in case. The regular clothes are made from the strong stuff and should be very hard to tear or puncture. The skimpy stuff is made of very easy to wash stuff, for those long nights with a lot of partners. Love, your master.”

“Fuck everything.” I crumpled the note up and threw it and the unwanted clothes across the room.

Dash smirked at my reaction and said, “Doesn’t seem like a very funny joke, to me.”

“It’s not. If Rarity tries to talk to you about me wanting to be a girl or some shit, ignore her.”

“Dude, if you wanted to be a girl, why wouldn’t you just use those awesome magic stones you have?”

“That’s what I said! Rarity’s just a crazy cunt. Now, let’s see what else we have here.” Dash rolled over so she could more easily see what I was unwrapping. The next thing I pulled out was what looked like an armored suit of clothing. It was littered with pockets and pouches and shit. I would call the bottom part of it a set of cargo pants or something, while the top was something I really didn’t have any words for.

“That’s really baggy looking,” Dash commented, looking it over. “It would really slow you down.”

“At the cost of holding a ton of useful things. I think it would be worth it in some situations.” I wasn’t planning on getting into any fights while I was down here, but I did need to carry everything on me all the time. But with as protective as this stuff probably was, I wouldn’t be surprised if I could get stabbed and have the knife bounce off.

“What else did you get?” she asked.

I set those aside and opened another package. “Looks like normal spring clothes,” I said. “According to the note, everything except for the stuff I don’t want has the protective stuff in it. I think I’ll be very well protected.”

“Well that’s good. I wouldn’t want my favorite human to get hurt.”

“You just hang around me because I’m awesome.”

“You know it! What else is there?”

I grabbed the heaviest package and opened it, finding an actual old-fashioned leather duster. “Holy hell.” A letter tumbled from the folded duster as I held it up to get a better look at it. I hung the jacket over my shoulder and opened the note.

‘I hope you opened the other package first. This is an apology of sorts. Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that unicorn; I’ll leave you alone. I found this old thing in storage. No idea where it came from. Leather fell out of style years ago and never came back, so do with it as you would. Maybe I’ll catch you for a beer sometime. – Kincaid.’

“Well, maybe he isn’t so bad,” I said as I folded the note up and pulled the jacket back up. “This thing looks pretty awesome."

“What is that made of?” she asked. “I usually don’t care much, but that looks cool!”

“Ah, it’s some kind of fabric we humans are good at making.” That actually reminded me that I needed to look up how to make leather while I was here. I wasn’t planning on making anything to wear, but leather is very durable and I could use it in some of my constructions.

“‘We humans?’” she said. “That mean you know how to do it? Could you make me a jacket like that or something?” I lifted an eyebrow, looking back at her. “N-not that I care about fashion, or anything. It just looks cool, like I said.”

“I’ll see what I can do. It’ll have to wait, though. Now, I need to go get dressed and start loading pockets up.”

She looked around the room. “With what?” she asked, settling her gaze back on me.

“Everything I plan on bringing back. We have no idea when the spell will wear off, so we need to be prepared to leave at any time. I’m hoping everything I have on me will be brought back. If not, I’ll be kinda pissed.” I was going to need to pick up some stuff from a store, too. I needed a laptop bag and a clothing bag. I didn’t want to carry a crate of stuff with me everywhere, because that would just be inconvenient. Fitting five boxes of bullets into a single bag might be a pain, though. I’d figure something out.

Anyway, I grabbed a set of clothes and stepped into the bathroom, not wanting to give Dash a peepshow. Sure, I knew that I might end up fucking her, but I was hoping I could pawn her off to the lesbo bar and she’d manage to find someone into something a little more exotic. I mean, surely there are furries in the future.

The clothes fit about as well as something made by Rarity, which was honestly a good compliment; for all her strangeness, Rarity was good with clothing. When I got out of the bathroom, I saw Dash holding up the pink shirt I threw against the wall, giggling.

“If you like it so much, you can have it,” I said, tossing the overly large clothes I had been in over to the corner I was using for dirty clothes.

“I’m just imagining you wearing it!” Dash said, still giggling. “It kinda fits.”

“Yeah, but I’m not a female slut.” Usually. Dash dropped the terrible shirt as I said, “Intercom lady, you there?”

It clicked and she answered, “Yep. What do you need?”

“Are we cleared to go into the city whenever we want?” I asked.

“You are. But you’ll need credit chits before you can buy anything.”

“And when do we get those?” I asked.

I heard something happening in the wall before she answered, “Now. Check the mail slot.”

“…The what?” I looked over to where I heard the noise and saw a slit in the wall that I had been wondering about since I got there. A small platform slid out of the bottom of it and a small stack of credit cards sat on it. “Wow.”

“All I had to do was take four empty cards and load them with your info. There should be names on each of them. When the cashier runs it, they’ll get a message of your description and if you don’t match, security will be called.”

“Awesome. Thanks, love.”

“Don’t call me love.” And with that, the intercom clicked off.

I shrugged and walked over to the mail thing, grabbing the cards. I pulled out mine and Dash’s and stuck them into a pocket. “You wanna give the other two theirs?” I asked.

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because if I see Rarity right now, I can’t promise not to hurt her. She’s been spreading rumors that have been getting rather annoying.”

She shrugged and somehow used a hoof to grab the cards. “Why not just talk to her about it?”

“I did. She’s still doing it. Maybe Fancy will have gotten her to stop. Either way, I don’t want to see her right now.”

She just rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back in a minute, then.” She left to go drop them off and I went over to the computer and pulled up Top Gun. It was the only air force movie I knew of off the top of my head and I figured she would enjoy it. Watching that would give us something to do for a few hours.

She took ten minutes longer to get back than I thought she would. When she stepped back inside, she was wearing an amusing smirk. “Rarity won’t be giving you any more problems,” she said, walking over to the bed.

“Awesome.” I assumed I didn’t want to know what she did. “Want to watch a movie about flying?”

“Buck yes! Ever since you mentioned planes, I wanted to see one in action!” I pressed start and sat on the bed next to her. “So what’s this movie about?” she asked as it started.

“No clue. I just know it has something to do with planes.”

Eh, it was alright.

“Eh, that was alright,” Dash said, stretching. “You wanna go into the city?”

“You and the others need to eat first and then we can go. I don’t know how long we’ll be there and I don’t want you going hungry.”

“We don’t have to tell the others we’re going. Rarity’s watching some weird show about little girls or something and Fancy Pants was reading some book. And they’re both so boring anyway.”

“I was planning on walking with them to where I was going to drop them off. Same for you, though I’ll try sticking around your bar for a few minutes to make sure you’ll be alright. Just tell them we’re going into the city in half an hour and they’re welcome to go with us if they want.”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because you walk faster than I do on average and because you’ve been chilling in my room all day.”

“Psh. Whatever.” Didn’t stop her from going out into the hall, though. She came back a minute later. “Rarity’s not going. Said something about having enough fun where she is.”

“Whatever. Intercom lady, you around?”

“I am,” she answered.

I nodded at Dash, and she said, “Can I get some food or something?”

The intercom lady sighed. “Sure, I guess. What do you want?”

Dash looked to me for a suggestion. I shrugged and answered, “Pasta alfredo. You’ll probably like it.”

“Coming right up,” the lady answered. We heard her mutter something about not getting paid enough before the intercom clicked off.

Dash muttered, “Crabbypants.”

I just shrugged and walked over to the computer. “Let’s see if I can find some Tom and Jerry stuff in here.”

“Tom and Jerry?” she asked as she walked back to the bed.

“Senseless fun and harmless violence. You might like it.” It took me a minute to find it since it had been so long since I even thought about that show.

She jumped when she saw the lion roaring at the beginning. “I thought you said you didn’t have manticores here!”

“That’s a lion. It doesn’t have wings or a tail.”

“…So it’s a manticore that’s so dangerous that it doesn’t need to fly or use poison to kill you?”

“Dash, shut up and watch the show.” She sighed and settled down. “If it makes you feel any better, that lion is dead. The day after that little roaring thing was filmed, he was put to death.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “He killed the shit out of his trainer.”

She moved a little closer to me. “This place scares me,” she quietly said, watching the monitor.

She seemed to enjoy the show well enough. The food was apparently too fancy for her, though that didn’t stop her from eating all of it. I think she would have licked the plate if I hadn’t been smirking at her.

“So we leaving or what?” she asked when she set the plate back down.

“What the hell are we supposed to do with all these damn food carts?” I asked.

“Push ‘em against a wall, duh,” she answered, doing just that with both of them. “Now let’s get Fancy Pants and go.”

Out the door we went, me jingling slightly with all the shit in my pockets. I walked down the hall to Fancy’s door and knocked. He answered it a few seconds later. “We finally going into the city?” he asked. It sounded like he was trying to hide his rich accent. It also looked like he shaved the weird little mustache thing he had going on before.

“Yep. Let’s go.”

“Right-o.” He stepped out, letting his door close behind him. “The lady in the ceiling doesn’t seem very polite,” he said as we joined Dash further down the hall.

Dash nodded in agreement. “She’s been rude to us, too,” she said.

“Probably just PMSing,” I said.

“…What’s that mean?” Dash asked.

Oh boy… “Alright, you know how you go into heat once a month? It’s almost kinda like that, but not really. I don’t feel like going into the biological stuff because frankly, it’s pretty nasty. Long story short, women can get irritable very easily while they’re PMSing.” Hey, it’s the other me that’s a biology major. I may be wrong in some details. Not like anyone is reading this anyway.

“Huh. So how do you know if somepon—one is PMSing?” she asked.

“You can’t know, just from looking. And asking is going to get you slapped or worse. Just single out a chick you want to fuck and home in on her. If you get her, cool. If not, meh. Same goes for you, Fancy.”

He sniffed. “I was joking about that, Navarone. I would not say no to a little romp, but I will not go actively searching for it.”

“Eh, suit yourself.” We got to the elevator and called it. Soon enough, we were heading up into the city.

“So… what’s the plan?” Dash asked, actually sounding nervous.

“Drop Fancy off at the gentleman’s club, then drop you off at the lesbo bar. I’ll stick with you for a few minutes to make sure you’ll be fine before going off on my own. I gotta find the lay of the land, see what’s out there.”

“And what if we get lost?” she asked.

“Dash, there are fucking maps everywhere. If you get lost, you deserve it. I’m expecting a lot more people today, though, so be careful. Dash, I suspect a bunch of people are gonna want to touch your wings, so keep them down. Fancy… Well, both of you need to watch out for kids. Who knows what they might do? Just try not to be offended by anything anyone might say.”

“Sheesh, Nav. I’m sure if you can manage for four years in Equestria, we can manage a few days here,” Dash said.

“Just saying. Expect to be called horse a few times.” I think she was going to respond, but the elevator pinged. “Shall we?” The doors slid open and I walked out, not exactly leaving them the option of staying behind.

There were a lot more people out and about today. It didn’t help that we were on the top floor, where much of the foot traffic was apparently located. Most of their heads slowly turned to look at the three of us.

I looked around for the youngest person I could find alone. When I saw a little boy staring at Dash with wonder in his eyes, I said toward him, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to stare?”

That broke the spell for most of the people I could still see them eyeing us, but most of them weren’t being overt about it. However, a group of curious teenagers stepped in front of us.

“You fly?” the probable leader of the group asked me, though he turned his gaze to include Dash as well.

Dash grinned. “You know it, kid!” Everyone jumped back when she spoke. It’s one thing to know they can talk, it’s another to actually see one do it. “Unfortunately, there isn’t magic here, so I can’t.”

The teens giggled. “Magic?” the leader said. “You really believe in that?”

I sighed, knowing where this was going. Fancy Pants stepped forward. “It’s quite real, I assure you,” he said. “Every unicorn can do it, though it seems to be lacking from this world. Somewhat curious, that.”

“Right. I’ll believe that when I see it,” he said. “Where you headed?”

My turn to talk. “Takin’ him to the gentlemen’s club. Taking her to the Red Carpet. Me? I’m going to a place where I can find fun of a carnal sort.”

He grinned widely. “You gonna have a fun time at the Red Carpet, mate.”

For some reason, that was directed at me. “I don’t plan on staying long. Just wanna make sure she’s taken care of, then I’m gone.”

He just chuckled darkly before saying, “If you get out of there, look for a place called Ralph’s. Tell ‘em I sent you, and that you escaped Purg.”

“Need to know your name to tell him you sent me.”

“Jake.” He held a hand out.

“Navarone.” I met his hand with mine.

“Maybe we see you soon, Nav. Maybe we see you soon, plucked. Good luck, either way.”

He made a hand motion to his friends and they all walked away, laughing at something. That doesn’t fill me with confidence…

“Weird slang, these days,” I commented as we continued walking. “What does ‘plucked’ mean?”

“No clue,” Dash answered. “They seemed alright, though.”

“Yeah. Better behaved than most teens where I came from. Though I guess living in an underground bunker with cameras everywhere would do that.”

“Enough to make me paranoid,” she muttered, looking around at the people still occasionally glancing at us.

We made it almost all the way to the elevator that would drop us off next to the club before we got confronted again. “Can I pet your mane?” a somewhat adorable little girl asked Dash.

The mare in question jerked back, blushing. “W-what?”

The girl’s mother looked kind of terrified when she realized her daughter was bothering us, and tried to pull the girl away. “But mom, she’s so pretty! Look at all the colors!”

I can’t lie, I burst into giggles at that. Dash glared at me, still blushing in either surprise or embarrassment. She then turned a hopefully easier look to the little girl. “You can touch it if you’re gentle,” she somewhat nervously said.

The girl squealed with glee and launched herself away from her mom, who was nervously watching the situation. My hands clenched and unclenched, ready to step in. I wasn’t expecting the kid to do anything on purpose, but I’ve learned to be wary.

“So soft,” she whispered, gently petting Dash, who bore it with a blush that slowly crept its way down her neck.

The mom looked down at her watch a few seconds later. “Honey, we’re going to be late.”

The girl sighed and said, “Okay mommy. Bye, pretty pony!” She put one hand in her mom’s and waved with the other as she was dragged off.

“Well that was strange,” I said as we continued to the elevator.

“I… I don’t think anypony’s ever called me pretty before,” Dash said, looking down. Well, that gave me an idea to do if I did end up having to fuck her.

We didn’t have to wait for the elevator and thankfully no one joined us on it. We started down easily enough. “Another level, another group of people,” I sighed as I looked out of the glass windows—all of the elevators that only go to parts of the mall had glass doors that let you look around. The other one went to all parts of the base and thus didn’t. “Fancy, don’t feel too bad if they don’t let you in. I don’t know how things will work here.” To be honest, I didn’t know what the hell a gentleman’s club even was.

“I would understand if they wouldn’t. No offense, but if you had asked to be a part of any of my clubs when you first arrived in Equestria, I would have told you no in the politest way possible.”

“Yeah, but I also ain’t a gentleman, or any kind of upstanding citizen.” The elevators dinged open. “Can’t say that I aim to misbehave, though. Let’s go.”

We got more stares this time that I got rid of the same way as before. Or at least, I got rid of some of them that way. The gentlemen’s club in this place apparently wasn’t all that big or well-known, so there was no real crowd inside the front lobby.

The elderly secretary looked up from her monitor and blinked when she saw us. She rubbed her eyes, looking me up and down. “Oh lordy, I knew the angel of death would come for me soon!”

“Lady, I ain’t no angel,” I said. “Although if I was, being the angel of death would be pretty damn cool. Nah, I just want to see if my friend here could possibly join the club.” I patted Fancy on the back.

“…You want to put a horse in our club?” she asked.

“I am no mere animal, my lady,” Fancy said, putting his thick aristocratic accent back on. “I am well versed in the manners of every major society in Equestria and have been a part of the court of her majesty for a number of years.”

“Uh… huh.” She pressed a button. “Mister Johnson, could you please come to the lobby?” I got ready to cheese it, in case that was a bouncer. She might have seen me adjusting my legs, because she said, “Mister Johnson is the head of the club. I… do not know how to handle this. He will.”

It didn’t take him long to get there, either. “What’s the pr—Oh. How can I help you three?”

Fancy Pants stepped forward. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Mister Johnson. I am Sir Fancy Pants, and am interested in this club.”

I could see the gears turning in this dude’s head. “It is… nice to meet you,” he finally said. “Are you perhaps interested in joining?”

“Well, I’d like to know more, first.”

“You’re plenty welcome to join us in the back room,” the old guy answered, before looking at me and Dash. “You are both welcome too, of course.”

I quickly shook my head. “This ain’t our scene, man. I know I ain’t no gentleman, and Dash here lacks the proper parts to be one. Take good care of Fancy, though.” I looked back to the stallion. “Head back to the rooms whenever you want. I trust you can find them.”

“Don’t worry about me, old chap,” he said, grinning. “I think I found a place I might belong.”

And just like that, Dash and I were on our way to where we were going to drop her off. “Are you just going to leave me like that?” she asked, trepidation in her voice.

“That’s the plan, yeah. Dash, I’ll be surprised if they’ll even let me into the bar we’re going to. I don’t know how much things have changed in thirty years, but I wouldn’t feel very welcome in a lesbo bar. Hell, I don’t even know if that word is socially acceptable anymore. I also don’t think I could get laid. I’ll stay a few minutes if I can, but either way, I expect you’ll be fine.”

She sighed. “I know, Nav. I just don’t like being so alone.”

“You’ll probably be fine. And if you do feel too weird, either go back to our room or see if you can find Ralph’s. I’ll probably at least check it out, see if it’s worth visiting.” We walked in silence for a few moments before I thought of something. “Oh yeah. One thing I should tell you: There will probably be alcohol there. If someone there is interested in you, they might either buy you a drink or offer to buy you one. I don’t suggest accepting a drink that has been handled by anyone other than the bartender or a waitress.”

“Why?”

“Date rape drug. I don’t expect anyone to use one on you, but I know someone used one on me in Equestria and I’ve been wary of drinks ever since.”

“…Huh. Are you sure you should leave me alone?”

“Dash, you’ll be fine.” Hopefully. “And if all else fails, I’m sure the spell will wear off soonish and put us back in Equestria, so you don’t really need to worry about being kidnapped for long.”

“That’s not exactly comforting, Nav.”

“You’ll get over it. Quickly, too, since we’re here.”

We both looked at the bar. I think we both felt somewhat reluctant to enter. Me, because I knew I didn’t belong. Her, because she was nervous.

“Nav, I don’t know about this.”

“Well, we don’t have to if you don’t want to, but we’re already here. It can’t hurt to just poke our heads inside, though.” That’s what he said.

She sighed, ruffling her feathers, before nodding and taking the lead.

Surprisingly, there didn’t seem to be a bouncer when we stepped inside. There also weren’t that many chicks inside, probably because it was still only six or so. Of course, all of them were staring at us. I think the two of us got an equal number of looks. Most of those looking at me had unreadable faces, while those looking at Dash were confused.

“Can I help you?” the female bartender asked with a southern drawl.

Dash looked over at me. “My friend here has tastes of the more feminine nature,” I said somewhat warily. “I was wondering if she would be welcome here.”

The bartender nodded at the stools in front of her. “Sit. Both of you.” I grimaced, not wanting to stay longer than a few minutes, but I walked with Dash to the bar and helped her onto a stool that was definitely not made for a pony.

“I don’t really want to stay too long,” I said, not sitting. The bartender just nodded at the stool next to Dash. I sighed and sat.

The bartender reached behind her and grabbed an open bottle, bringing it to the bar. She next put one shot glass down and poured a finger in it, passing it to me. “On the house. Not many guys would do something like this for a friend.”

I grinned, downing the shot. I quickly started coughing, not expecting something that fucking strong.

“You know,” she continued, “my grandma used to tell me stories about angels.”

“Oh?” I said, my voice somewhat harsh from coughing. “What kind of stories?”

“She said angels would send me to hell to burn for eternity.”

“…I’m just gonna go,” I said, trying to stand.

I felt someone behind me grab the bases of my wings, wrenching them down. I jerked in pain, my eyes going wide. The bartender was grinning and Dash was looking around, confused. “You aren’t going anywhere, little angel boy,” the bartender said, grinning.

I tried to put on a disarming grin. “Come now. I’m no angel. I just have wings. There’s no need for this.”

I felt a hand behind me trailing down my back, slipping into my pants. I jerked straight as I felt my ass being groped. “You might not be an angel,” she said. “But either way, we’ll make sure you’ll have fallen soon enough.”

My eyes widened even more when she reached under the bar and pulled out a strap-on.

“Now, now… We don’t have to resort to that,” I hastily said.

“When the drugs in that alcohol kick in, you won’t be complaining,” she said.

“Joke’s on you, then: I’m immune.”

“Well isn’t that a shame. For you, I mean. It’s not going to stop us.”

Dash finally managed to get down from her stool. “Nav, what’s going on?”

“Dash, we’re leaving,” I said. “Now.”

The bartender smirked. “Nancy, if you would?” I felt the pressure increase on my wings before I scooted back and fell off the back of the stool, surprising the person behind me and reversing my wings being wrenched down. I grabbed the stool with both hands and shot it straight up, over my head, slamming it into the face of the person that had been holding me. She immediately let go, stepping back and holding her face. I jumped to my feet, Dash somehow having cleared the other girls away from me.

I held the bar stool up menacingly. “Now I don’t and didn’t want any trouble,” I said, slowly walking to the exit. “You take your broken nose as a lesson.” The very large and very butch women that had been holding me slung blood away from her hands and pulled a switchblade out of her pocket. My eyes opened wider as she took a step forward.

“Nancy!” the bartender sharply said. “I ain’t gonna have more blood spilled in my bar. Ain’t nothing wrong with revenge, but from the looks of that fella, he’s gonna protect that little ass of his with his life.”

And that’s when I felt something small and round jamming into my back. “Freeze,” a female voice said. I immediately stopped.

“I really, really hope that’s not a gun you have pointed at me,” I quietly said.

“D-drop the stool!” she nervously said.

“Dash, describe what she’s holding against my back.” I could see Dash turning her head that way.

After a moment, she said, “It looks kinda like that thing you made back home. Got a trigger and everything.”

Civilians don’t shoot. They never shoot. Killing a man takes more gumption than most people have. I quickly jumped left, slinging the stool around and catching the surprised woman in the face. The little snub-nosed pistol she was using fell from her hands as she clutched at her broken face. I threw the stool away and snatched the pistol off the ground, holding it up and pointing it around.

“Now then. Dash, I think it’s high time we left.” We continued backing to the door, me pointing the gun at anyone that moved. When Dash opened the door for me to walk out, I said, “Sorry about the face, love. It was beautiful.” I was looking at the girl who pulled the pistol, not the butch bitch that tried to break my wings. Before anyone could answer, I took off running, sliding the pistol into a pocket.

Dash quickly joined me as we ran away from the bar. “What the hay was that?!” she yelled as we ran.

“Not the time!” I skidded to a stop in front of an open elevator and jumped inside, startling the people who were waiting for it to close. Dash joined me a few seconds later as I pressed the button for the bottom floor.

I studied the map on the side of the elevator, looking for anything that looked like it might be Ralph’s, whatever that was. I was assuming it was a bar or something. “Nav, seriously, what just happened?” Dash asked when the group of people got off.

“Explaining it would take a while, but let’s just say that wings on a human actually symbolize something. For most people, it’s something good. But for some people, it’s not. Those were a group of people who were not a fan of the idea of a human with wings.”

“…That doesn’t make any bucking sense! They tried to hurt you!”

“Yeah, they did. And I got a nice little pistol off of it, too. Hey, do you see anywhere called Ralph’s on this map?”

She just sighed and joined me in looking at the map. “This it?” she asked, pointing at a place in the grey zone.

“Industrial?” I mused, looking over the name. “Ralph’s Rapid Repair. Fuck! I thought I left that alliteration bullshit behind!” I thought it over, tracing the area around it with my fingers. “Still... Even if it is a repair shop, we can chill there for a while. I wonder why that kid pointed us that way, though.”

“Now back to that bar… What the hay, man?”

I sighed, rubbing the back of my head. “Dash, I really can’t explain it without using terms you don’t know. Remember how I keep saying angel and how everyone keeps calling me one? That’s what most humans think when they think of another human with wings. It’s… something like Celestia, something to be revered. But not everyone likes Celestia in your world. Some people hate her for some reason or another. And right now, that’s what it’s like for me. Some people like angels, some people don’t care, and some people hate them, and just about everyone thinks I am one, or that I might be one. It’s… complicated. And it sucks. If I could hide my wings, I would.”

Dash huffed as the elevator opened and we stepped out. “You shouldn’t hide them, Nav. Like it or not, they’re part of who you are.”

“I know. Let’s just find this damn place.” I’m getting tired of Dash’s shit. I know she’s trying to help, but fuck.

We started walking toward where the place was supposed to be, but the bottom floor of the city was like a fucking maze, the place maintenance workers used to get around easier.

“Why are we all the way down here?” she asked, looking around the few people staring at us.

“Get outta the heat,” I answered. “I don’t know if the lesbos called the police or whatever. I need to find a place to ditch this piece, too.” God knows I didn’t want to get caught with a stolen gun.

“What piece?” she asked, looking around me. “Also uh… You’re missing some feathers, dude.”

“I know. I felt them rip out when I smacked the first bitch. Guess I know what that little shit meant when he said I’d get plucked.” It should have been more obvious, now that I think about it.

“You know we’re going to need to go up several levels, right?” she asked.

“I know. We’ll be fine.” She started muttering, but I was ignoring her. I was just looking for an elevator to go up a floor.

I found one a few minutes later and we stepped into it, happy to get off the dingy lower level. I checked the map again to make sure we were heading the right way. It was still a few levels up, but we were definitely walking the right way.

“This place really is big,” she said as we stepped out of the elevator. “It’s gotta be as big as Canterlot!”

“Wish you coulda seen Manhattan or something. That city would have blown your damn mind. There are skyscrapers there that would go up to Canterlot from the bottom of the mountain. Wonder if they ever rebuilt the Twin Towers.” I didn’t care enough to look it up, though.

“What happened to them?”

“Oh, they got blown up by suicide bombers. Long story.” I kept walking until I noticed she had stopped. “What?” I asked, turning back around.

“How can you just… Ugh.” She continued walking and on we went. “Humans are crazy!”

“You can’t let a few angry lesbians color your entire perspective, Dash. Bitches be trippin’, man. Although I suppose we all have a hint of crazy in us.”

She continued muttering as we walked. I rolled my eyes and started scratching at her ears, trying to calm her down. She sighed and leaned into my hand, her muttering stopping. By the time I figured we were far enough away both length wise and time wise from the lesbian incident, I started looking for another elevator and stopped scratching at her.

Soon enough, we were on the correct level, walking through a surprisingly quiet ‘industrial’ level. She was looking around, probably expecting more.

“I was kind of expecting more,” she said. “The factories in Equestria are so much bigger. And louder.”

“I guess we figured out how to make things silent. Or maybe nothing is open. I don’t really know.” Maybe they’re waiting for the end of the world before they start building.

There were considerably fewer people out and about in this area, probably since nothing seemed to be open. “This is kinda creepy, Nav,” Dash said, looking around the large empty area. “I don’t see anypo—one.”

“It’s just not active right now. Everyone’s probably busy.” Ain’t no telling where they are, though.

She sighed and we kept going. We slowly started seeing more people as we got closer to Ralph’s place, but they weren’t exactly the kind of people I was happy to see. Most of them looked like rough-and-tumble fucking survivalists, rather than the relatively normal people that inhabited most of this place. I could see them eyeing us with suspicion, many of them wearing camo and appearing to be packing hidden heat.

I slowly put my hands in my pockets, wrapping one of my hands around the little pistol I nabbed from that lady. I have no idea if it was loaded or not, but I wasn’t about to get shot by a jumpy fucking survivalist bastard.

We just kept walking until we were finally in front of a place called Ralph’s Rapid Repairs. I groaned again at the name before we walked inside.

“How can I—whoa,” the dude behind the counter said, looking at us.

“Yeah, we’re awesome,” I said. “You Ralph?”

“…Who’s asking?” the man asked.

“A friend of Jake, someone who survived Purg.”

He picked the bell off the countertop and pressed a button that was hidden under it. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a hidden passage. “I want to hear your story later,” he said. “For now, go on through.”

For once, I actually had a good feeling about something. I nodded to the dude and started walking through the hidden door, Dash warily following me. “Nav, what is this place?” she asked.

“No clue,” I whispered. I was confused, but I didn’t think anything bad would happen. We kept walking down the dimly lit staircase until it bottomed out into a small lobby, a single older man sitting behind a desk, his hands clasped together on top of his desk.

“So who sent you?” he quietly asked.

“Dude named Jake,” I answered. “He was in a group of teens.”

“Do you know why you are here?” he asked.

“To be honest? No clue at all.”

“Sit.” He nodded at the chair on the other side of the desk. I pulled it back and sat. “Navarone, what do you know of this facility?”

“Full of survivalists, built to survive the end of the world.”

“Correct. Partially correct, that is. It is full of survivalists, but it is run by a company. A company that has an interest in keeping its people clean. However, everyone has a vice. Do you see where I am going with this?”

I could feel a grin slowly forming on my face. “You are a… supplier of entertainment of a more illicit sort. You supply goods that certain people in positions of power aren’t too keen on having in their bunker.”

“So you understand. And what do you think about that, Navarone?”

“At the end of the day, whatever makes you happy—as long as it doesn’t affect anyone else negatively—isn’t a bad thing.”

I could see a small smile on his face as he said, “Welcome to the Black District, the bunker’s home of everything illegal. If you have anything to trade—that isn’t credits—you can trade it here and get almost anything you could ever want. Drugs, weapons, equipment, you name it, you can find it. You try and double-cross us, you won’t survive the night. We have a club or two where you’ll have no problems getting laid. Any questions?”

“Yeah. How is this possible?” I asked. “Doesn’t Google monitor everything? How can this place even exist in a bunker built to certain specifications?”

“Money, Navarone. My employers are very wealthy. When this place was created, they arranged to have areas set aside for activities they knew would be happening that are less than legal. Some people want to survive the end of the world, but not everyone wants to do it sober. Some people see the end coming and decide… Why be sober for the most depressing event in history? That was the viewpoint of my employers, and here we are.”

I sighed and muttered, “It all comes down to money.” I just shrugged and asked, “Can I bring anyone else with me?”

“Your blue friend there. She is here now, she knows of us. We would have to do background checks on anyone else you might know.”

“Fair enough. Do you take gold for trade?”

I think his mouth might have started watering at that. “We definitely do! You’d be quite popular if you start waving that around.” His smile dropped. “And not in all the right ways, either. Be careful, if you have a lot of gold. We keep this place well-guarded, but there might be incidents.”

“How do you guys feel about having a gun in your district?”

“Keep it hidden. You pull it out, you better be ready to shoot everyone, because they’ll all be immediately aiming at you.”

“What if I want to trade it?”

“Nice and slow, make sure you aren’t seen pointing it at anyone. Simple as that. Surprised to see the lackeys that run this place let you carry anything.”

I grimaced. “I got assaulted in the lesbo bar. Someone decided it would be a good idea to stick a gun in my back. She got a stool to the face. I got a new stub-nosed derringer.”

“Oh ho, so that’s why Jake brought you in. You aren’t wanted, are you?”

“Dude, I have no clue.”

He lifted a hand to the side of his face and I saw his eyes flash, turning from blue to white with some small black lines. One of his hands started typing across the desk, thudding against the wood. A few seconds later, he nodded. “You’re clean. The bar’s been cleaned out; looks like everyone’s arrested. The weapon you have is hot. Get rid of it before you leave the district. You linked?”

“…Linked?”

“Ugh. Do you have nanites?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “We’ll wipe this place from them before we send you out. That’s standard procedure. According to the report, one of them drugged you. Tell whoever asks that you passed out and your friend took you somewhere safe. Unless…” He looked over to Dash. “You got nanites?”

“…No?” she said, confused.

“Good enough. Now,” he said, looking back to me, “I don’t suppose you need a tour?”

“Is there a map?”

“There is a single map in the middle of the space we have. Just wander. If you need to find an exit, ask any of the guards. They’ll be the ones carrying the electro-rifles. You need anything else?”

I shrugged and looked back at Dash. She narrowed her eyes slightly and asked, “What’s the catch?”

“Simple. You betray us, you die. You tell no one about us, our services are yours… if you can pay. We just provide a service, Miss Dash. We would lose customers if we grew into the habit of stabbing the consumer in the back.”

She snorted in anger. “Nav, they’re criminals.”

“They’re criminals that have things I need. And he is absolutely correct. If this place is the real deal, we will be safer in there than we would be in the rest of the city. I am going in. You can stay here if you like.”

The man on the other side of the desk grinned and reached a hand under his desk, pressing a button. A moment later, the entire wall behind him started to slide open from a crack in the middle.

“It was a pleasure, Navarone,” the man said. “I knew we would be able to do business with you. I will send a wave out to warn the guards of every exit that your friend is excluded from the standard cleaning on every exit.” At my confused look, he said, “For the nanites.”

I nodded and stood. “Thanks for the information, then. Maybe we’ll see you around. Dash, you coming?”

She sighed and fell into step behind me, giving the desk and the man a wide berth as we walked around them and into the hole in the wall. “I don’t like this,” she whispered as we walked.

“I know. I’m pretty sure we’ll be fine.”

“‘Pretty sure’? That’s what you’re staking our safety on?”

I reached down and tousled her mane. “Trust me, Dash. When have I ever led you wrong?”

“Remember the first time you got me drunk?”

“You agreed to it!” She just huffed as we turned a corner and found the Black District Proper. Well, one part of it.

“Looks like Ponyville Market,” Dash said, looking around.

I shook my head. “No, it looks like the Catro Bazaar. You don’t see weapons in Ponyville.” It was a hell of a lot darker, though, and most of the people were wearing considerably fewer clothes. “Shall we?”

I didn’t wait for an answer, and just continued in. I had a small list of things I wanted, things I wasn’t certain I would be able to get in a normal place. And given the incident in the bar, I don’t know if any of us would be allowed into the city again anyway, so I knew I had to get what I could when I could. I had one of the pouches of gold with me, thankfully.

I led Dash over to one of the weapon suppliers, a guy that had some rather exotic looking methods of murder. The vendor’s eyes flicked to my wings before looking me in the eyes. “What you want, angel-boy?”

“Weapon modifications for an air rifle, carbine model.”

“What you got for trade?”

“Snub nose revolver, .38. And something a bit more… unconventional.” His eyes shot to Dash for a second before returning to me. “No, that’s fucked up. Let’s just say I have something you want.”

“Air weapon modifications are hard to find. Show me the secret, I see what I have.” I held out one hand in a placating gesture while I slowly reached into my pocket and into the pouch I had hidden there. I pulled out a single coin and flicked it over to him. He caught it out of the air and cupped it in his hand, eyeing it. He nodded before letting out a shrill whistle. An armed woman appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “Watch the stand. I be back soon. You two, come.”

He led the two of us into a side corridor, the three of us garnering a number of stares. I’m sure most of the people there were wondering what the hell someone like me had to offer in terms of trade, and what I could possibly want that would require going into a store room.

“Without the model number, finding the right mods will be tricky, not that many were made in the first place,” he said as we walked.

“I have the entire rifle in parts on my person,” I answered, patting one of my many pockets.

“That is good, it will save us time. Get out a part with the serial number.” We stopped in front of a seemingly empty wall. He pressed a hidden button and the wall split open, revealing a small storage area. “Come. Horse, wait here.”

“Who you calling a horse?!” Dash exclaimed, glaring at the guy.

He just grinned and walked in. I pulled out the bolt as I followed him. I passed it to him and he nodded. “Yes, I have a few things for this. I have to say this about Google, though: They get the best of everything, though they don’t always give the best out. Give me the little pistol, and all of the parts of your rifle. It’s easier to just replace everything with an upgraded model, though why you’d use a piece of shit like this is beyond me.”

“I’m going back to where I came from soon enough,” I answered as I pulled rifle parts out of my pockets. “I don’t have any way to make ammo for anything else. And apparently it’s impossible to use a solar charger to recharge plasma or laser rifle batteries.”

“Ooh, yeah. You’d need an actual generator for that. But you could power the generator with a lot of solar energy… Wouldn’t be feasible to carry that with you from here, though. It would definitely get noticed. You’ll definitely want the upgraded version, not that it’ll do you much with something like this. Can’t really decrease recoil or make it quieter. Just increase the power of the springs and the PSI, make it shoot faster and harder. Don’t let any military man see this thing. They see nonstandard parts in this, they start asking questions. They start asking questions, bad things happen.”

“I got it, mate. Stay quiet, stay safe.” I pulled out the last piece of the rifle. “That’s it.”

He nodded and pulled a rifle that looked almightily similar to mine out. “Scope’s very different, too. It’s detachable, letting you use the iron sights. Goes to twelve, thermal, light gathering, and a weak x-ray effect. Just remember: Even if you can see through a wall, doesn’t mean you can shoot through it.”

I looked the new rifle over carefully, trying to find how everything worked. Removing the scope was simple, and the iron sights seemed obvious enough. “How can I be certain it shoots?”

He took it from me and pulled a magazine from the same place he grabbed the rifle. He slid it in, pulled the chamber back, pulled the lever, and fired into the wall. The sliver of metal actually dented it before ricocheting. I hit the floor, not wanting to get hit. The vendor just laughed and popped the magazine out and pulled the bolt back, releasing the round. “It fires, angel-boy. Let me break it down for you.”

I got to my feet as he proceeded to do just that. I began putting pieces in my pockets as he broke it down. “What’ll it cost?” I asked as I hid the last piece away.

“The pistol, since you’re leaving the other pieces here.” He pulled the gold coin from wherever he had hidden it. “As much as it pains me to give this back, I can’t keep it.”

I shrugged and pocketed it. “Nice doing business with you, then. Is there a place I can get seeds in the market?”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Seeds? You lookin’ for drugs?”

“No, I’m looking for a fuckton of seeds. Coffee, apples, just about everything.”

“Oh, you’re looking for a Genesis Project. Yeah, you can find that here.”

“Good. Dash, come on.” I stepped back into the hall, heading back to the bazaar.

“Nav, what did you just get?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing big. Just remember: Tell no one about this place, and we’ll be fine.”

“I’m not stupid, Nav. I know an illegal place when I see it. I really, really don’t like this. It’s wrong and stupid. We shouldn’t be here.”

“I know that and you know that. However, we are here. I knew as soon as I saw that dude that telling him the wrong thing would end poorly. These are the kind of people that would slit our throats and care only insofar as the hope that they don’t get blood on their suit. Just play it cool, keep quiet, and we’ll be fine. I just need to get some more stuff and we can get the hell out of here and back to safer areas.” Until I can ditch her and come back to this place by myself, of course. I wasn’t expecting Dash of all people to go lawful fucking good on me.

“Just as long as we get out of here quickly,” she muttered, looking around the bazaar we had just reentered. “I mean, everypo—one isn’t staring at me, but it’s still… wrong.”

I didn’t answer, just started looking for the place where I could get whatever a ‘Genesis Project’ was.

“Nav, what is all this?” she asked, looking around the marketplace. There really weren’t that many people around, mostly just vendors talking amongst themselves, occasionally casting glances at us. The space itself was barely open; it was a dimly lit hall, with the occasional pillar coming off the ceiling for some reason or another. If I had to guess, I would say it was around the size of half a football field. I could see about two dozen people walking around the stalls, with about one guard for every four people. There were about fifteen or so stands set up here and there, so it wasn’t really hard to see everything. Most of it was drug or weapon related, stuff I didn’t really need.

“Drugs and weapons,” I answered. “Things we want no part of. Listen to no offers and accept nothing free.” She didn’t answer, which thankfully saved me from explaining the joys of addiction.

I didn’t see anything like what I wanted, so I found a guard that looked like he wasn’t doing anything important. “Hey, can you tell me where I can find a place to buy seeds?”

He looked me up and down before saying, “You want drug seeds or something else?”

“Something else. Coffee, stuff you can eat.”

He nodded to the side, where I could see a corridor a few meters away. “That way. Follow the signs. You’re looking for the greenhouse.”

“Awesome. Thanks, man.” He just nodded as I led Dash down to the door leading to the corridor. There were a few signs pointing to different areas. We followed the ones saying ‘greenhouse.’ After a few minutes of walking, I started hearing singing.

“You hear that?” I asked, cocking my head.

“Yeah. I heard it a minute or two ago. Why?”

“It sounds… God, I swear I recognize that voice…” I continued walking. I think my pace picked up as we walked to where the singing was coming from. “That song…”

“Nav? You alright?”

“Patti Page,” I whispered, taking another step closer to the door I could hear the lovely voice coming from. “Holy hell, man. I never expected to hear that again!”

I don’t know what all I was expecting when I turned the last corner into the greenhouse, but a young lady singing as she watered her flowers was actually pretty high on the list, and that is exactly what I got. The ‘greenhouse’ wasn’t anything like a greenhouse that I knew. It was still another metal-bound room, but there were ultraviolet lamps all around and green plants everywhere. Vines were growing down the walls and flowers were rather prominent.

And in the middle of it all was a pretty young woman in a day dress watering her flowers and singing.

I finished the last line in a whisper while she finished it in her song voice, “You belong to me…”

I smiled and gently clapped. “Lovely voice, my lady,” I said, stepping inside. She swirled around, staring at me with wide eyes and blushing. When I got a good look at her face, I realized that ‘pretty’ was just about all there was to it. I couldn’t call her beautiful or sexy, just pretty. She had a simple body, not that I could see much of it through the dress. “I’m surprised to see the old songs still have fans.”

“I…” Her eyes jerked to my wings and her eyes widened even more. “N-nobody’s ever… heard me sing before!”

“You should change that,” I said, continuing inside. Dash followed me, looking around. “Apparently Dash and I don’t count as people, though, so you don’t have to worry about your record being tarnished.”

The young lady finally noticed Dash and the look of fear on her face disappeared, replaced by one of surprise. “A pony!” she squealed before sprinting across the room and very fiercely hugging Dash. “Oooh, you’re so adorable!”

Dash, of course, looked very confused by that. I continued walking into the greenhouse, trying to find someone in charge from which I could buy. There were no other ways out of the room and there didn’t look to be any other people here. I casually ambled my way back to the two and found that the young lady was going through a list of things she wanted to do with Dash, which include petting her, brushing her mane, combing her wings, cleaning her hooves, and a few other things.

Dash’s eyes were wide and her pupils were retracted to pinpricks.

“You know she can talk, right?” I said as I walked back to them.

The woman pulled back from her and looked at me, horror on her face. “She can what.”

Dash took that opportunity to back away from her. “I can talk,” she said, looking at the girl in confusion. “You didn’t know that?”

I swear I think she was about to cry. Either way, the blush of embarrassment returned in full force, covering her entire face. “I… I didn’t know! Oh, please don’t be mad!”

I always find the strangest fucking people. Christ. “Relax. It takes more to piss Dash off than that.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Nav warned me about—” She stopped herself from presumably saying ‘people like you,’ and instead finished with, “Things like this happening.” I applauded her in my mind; it seems Dash was learning at least some tact. “If you still want to do some of that stuff, though…” She grinned lasciviously, “I wouldn’t say no.”

I decided then and there that I was going to work with Dash on her sexy voice.

The lady blushed even harder at that as she fell back, away from Dash. “I-I couldn’t! You can talk!”

Dash jerked as if slapped and I felt my eyebrows lifting. I saw the look on Dash’s face and decided to step in before things got unpleasant. “Anyway,” I said, putting a hand on Dash’s neck, “I need to get some seeds and I was told to come here. Who can I talk to about that?”

“That would be me,” a new voice said, coming from the doorway. “These two bothering you, Millie?” I looked over at the new person and found that I was looking at a bona fide midget. Oh God, Dash, please don’t say a fucking word.

“Who’s this kid?” she asked, turning to face him.

I smacked her on the back of the head. “Ignore her. She’s new here.” And she was also glaring at me. “Someone I spoke to said to ask about a Genesis Project.”

“Oh, you want the all-in-one package. And to answer your question, I’m Big Mike. And I ain’t no fucking kid. Say it again, I’ll show you why they call me Big Mike. You, angel-boy, come with me.”

“Fucking hate these wings,” I muttered as I followed the dwarf to the side of the greenhouse.

“Now, these packs ain’t cheap,” he said as he stood in front of a large box. “Only the ultra-survivalists even bother getting them, since our benevolent overlords have plenty.”

“What kinda expensive we talkin’, here?”

He looked over at me. “The kind where I need to see the money before I open this gene-lock.”

I shrugged and pulled out a gold piece. “This enough?”

He took it from me and looked it over. “What’s this say?”

“Something about ‘Equestrian legal tender’ or some bullshit. Either way, it’s gold, through and through.”

“I shouldn’t trust it… But we all got messages about you. You ain’t from around here. Even if this ain’t gold, it’s unique. Fair trade.” He pressed his finger on the lock of the box and it hissed open. “You want everything, or something specific?”

“I don’t care about grass or common trees, if that’s what you’re asking. I mostly want fruit, vegetables, coffee, rubber… Anything that can be useful in ways that aren’t just paper. And I need to be able to hide the bag on my person.”

“Alright, I can make that work. Come back in an hour and I’ll have it ready for you.”

“An hour?”

“Hey, if you just wanted a complete package, I’d give you one. You want some specific stuff. I need to look things up and make an entirely new package. An hour is rushing it.”

I sighed. “Alright. What can we do in this place for an hour?”

“In the Black District? Man, what can’t you do here? Since you ain’t from here, I’d look into getting some heavy implants at the clinic. Never know when you might need some of that stuff. If pleasure’s more your thing, look for the club. Watch out for the owner, though; with them wings on your back, she’ll—or he’ll, depending on her mood—will be all over you.”

“…How does gender vary by mood?”

He gave me a surprised look before nodding. “Forgot you ain’t from around here. Multiple personalities. Back in the day, that was diagnosed as a mental disorder. Now it’s a bit more… open to interpretation. Some people attempt to have it cured, some people go out of their way to foster it. She fostered it, and has three others living in her head. One of them is a guy.” What is this, Blindsight?

“That’s… weird as fuck, but okay.”

He nodded. “Yep. Just watch her eyes. Blue, it’s a man. Anything else, it’s a female. If you want to keep shopping, look for the signs to the market. What you walked through when you first came in was just an offshoot, the beginner’s area.”

“Alright. Thanks, man. We’ll get out of your hair for now, then.” He just waved me away, walking over to a computer desk. I walked back to Dash and found her still trying to talk to an increasingly nervous Millie. “Come on, Dash.”

She sighed and fell into step beside me. “Where we going now?”

“The bigger market.” In a way, I wanted to try the club, but in another way I didn’t want another Kat. Especially a Kat that I had warning about and that I knew had multiple personalities. Implants would be risky given my body and the fact that I get manipulated by magic a lot.

“Ugh. I hate shopping.”

“Well, unless you feel like going to a club and me possibly getting raped by a certified insane club owner, that’s our only option for an hour.”

“Well when you put it THAT way…”

An hour later, we returned to the midget’s little greenhouse. Neither of us got anything because there was nothing really that worth getting. The club probably would have been more interesting, but I refused to take that kind of chance.

Millie saw us as we walked in and quickly relocated to the far corner of the greenhouse. Mike the small person looked up when he saw her edging back and waved us in. “Got your package ready, if you know what I mean.”

I walked over, saying, “If by that you mean you have my plant seeds, then I’m here to pick them up.”

He grinned and held out a sealed box. “You’re good, I’ll give you that. This is everything you wanted. You also got a mem stick with info on how to take care of them. It’s all labeled, don’t you worry. Just press your thumb right in the middle there.” I did so. “Genelocked to you,” he said.

I took the box. “Thanks, man. Tell Millie we’re sorry for disturbing her.”

“Yeah, she’s excitable, but she’ll be fine.”

And just like that, Dash and I were back on the move. “Where to now?” she asked.

“We’re getting out of here and going back to legal places.”

“Finally!” Thankfully, I had taken the time to find an exit while we were wandering for an hour. We started walking that way. “Although it does seem like a waste to leave without doing anything fun…”

“Dash, you don’t want any part of some of the stuff we might find here. Sure, some of it might be innocent sex and perverted one night stands, but I don’t want to run the risk of another drug-fueled orgy. Especially not when I could get addicted.”

“Yeah, I know… Still, it seems strange.”

“Eh, you’ll get over it.” If this was a shitty book, we would have gotten stopped by armed guards hired by the owner of the club, forcing us to go there.

Good thing this isn’t a shitty book. We got to the exit with no issues. The guard did stop us before we left, though. “You need to be cleaned,” he said, pulling out a small device.

“Do what you gotta do.” He nodded and lifted the device to my ear. I heard a click and felt the same sensation as when my other self asked me to pull some memories out.

“Man, this must be some kinda new model or something,” the guard said as he pulled away. “I’ve never seen that kinda effect before.”

I just shrugged. “We clear to leave, then?”

“Let me check.” I saw one of his eyes go completely white before an image superimposed on it. “Yeah, the other side is clear.” He reached behind him and pressed a part of the wall. “Quickly, now.”

Dash and I wasted no time getting to the other side of the wall. I had no idea where we were offhand, but I think we were still in the industrial area. I picked a direction and started walking. The hidden door swiftly closed behind us. “Welcome to the life of an agent of the crown,” I told her as we walked.

“Celestia told you to get those seeds?” she asked.

“Nope. But this is the kind of stuff I have to do sometimes. Now, just one more stop before we can head back. I think I want to call it a bloody day.”

“What about… my problem?”

“If worst comes to worst, I’ll just treat you like a piece of meat and tenderize you. I’m sure I can get your body to shut up somehow. If not that, I’ll distract you. That lesbian bar is definitely a bust. Without going to a club and finding a woman with less than exemplary morals, that’s our best option.”

She sighed. “Maybe tomorrow, then.”

“Doesn’t it start tonight?”

“Well, yeah. You can rut me tonight and then we can try to find somepony else so you don’t have to buck me tomorrow night, too.”

“That’s doable. You’re awfully accepting of this, despite resorting to fucking a guy.”

“Nav, you’re cool, and I trust you. It will be… weird, having sex with you as a guy, but I’ll be fine.”

“…Sex with me as a guy?”

She looked away, blushing. “Well, after you showed me that gender stone, I had a few dreams…” God dammit, Luna.

“Well, I guess I’ll make your dreams a reality. Sort of.”

She flicked me with her tail. “You’re terrible, Nav. Now what’s this one last stop we have to make?”

“I need some bags. Hopefully it won’t take long.”

“I hope not, too. You seem to have a knack for getting into weird and zany adventures.”

Not long later, we were finally on the elevator going back down into the depths, where I was hoping a great evil hadn’t been awakened. If we happened to get in trouble for what happened at the bar, I knew there was a good chance we wouldn’t be able to get back into the city at all. Thus, the great beast would be awoken.

I didn’t worry Dash with that, because honestly she should have been able to figure it out herself.

“I didn’t mention it before, but… Those were some awesome moves, Nav,” she said as we rode the elevator down. “The way you took down those jerks at that bar was awesome!”

“All I did was swing a bar stool around. I take it you’ve never been in a bar fight?”

“Is that a thing here? Bar fights are common?”

“I wouldn’t say common, but they aren’t unheard of. Ain’t nothing wrong with a spot of drunken fighting.”

“We weren’t drunk, though.”

“Yeah, but not for lack of trying. Whatever that bitch gave me was strong. I’m probably going to sleep good tonight from the drug she put in it.”

The elevator dinged open and we started walking down the hall. “So what do you mean you’re immune to drugs?”

“Oh. It’s kind of interesting, actually. During the week of Cadance’s wedding, Twilight poisoned herself with hate poison and then used acid to melt all of my internal organs and most of my bones. Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis used magic to rebuild my insides, but since my genetic code has been drastically altered, what grew back wasn’t a human’s insides, it was something that was a mix between animal and plant. Because of that, most normal drugs don’t work as well on me.”

“Nav, that doesn’t make much sense.”

“Hey, it’s magic. I ain’t gotta explain shit.” She just rolled her eyes as we continued walking. “You handled yourself pretty well too, though. I imagine most ponies would have panicked at the sight of blood.”

“Not the Dash! I… may not have been in any big fights, but I’ve done a ton of karate training! I couldn’t freeze up and leave my bro hanging like that.”

“Glad you didn’t, either. I would have hated to incapacitate the entire damn bar to get you out.” That and I don’t really think I could have.

When we got to my room, we found two armed and armored guards outside the door, who lined up in front of the hall when they saw us coming. “Navarone, we have some questions for you,” one of them said.

I nodded. “We gonna answer them here or somewhere else?” I asked.

“Here is fine,” the same one said. “You aren’t in trouble, so don’t worry.” I wasn’t really that worried anyway. “Give us your version of what happened at the Red Carpet.”

“My friend here is a lesbian. I knew that bar catered to her type. I took her there in the hopes of getting her laid, with the plan that I would leave her there. When we stepped inside, the bartender asked us both to sit down. I mentioned that I was planning on leaving, she told me to sit anyway. She then gave me a drink on the house that she later mentioned was drugged. We shared a few words about the nature of my friendship that would get me to conquer the stigma of entering a gay bar for my friend. She then had her bouncer come up behind me and wrench my wings back. The bartender pulled out a strap on and said she was going to rape me. I decided it would be a good time to split, and fell backwards off the stool. I then used it as a weapon to batter my way to freedom. One lady pulled a gun on me, but I got it off her and used it to further my escape. When we were free, we ran.”

“And why didn’t you go to a security area immediately to report the crime?”

“I didn’t know where a security area was. Also, I panicked. The increased blood rush from my panicking must have kicked in the drug, despite my chemistry, and I passed out. Dash dragged me somewhere safe until I woke up again. I think I lost the gun sometime during all this, because I don’t have it on me anymore.”

“After you woke up, what did you do?”

“Went shopping. I needed some stuff in town.”

“Why didn’t you find a security area then?”

“I figured it would either be too late because they were already all arrested, or that you could just use the memories in my nanites to track the guilty parties down and arrest them and so it didn’t matter when I reported them.”

“Are you sure you don’t have the gun anymore?”

“Positive. I searched all my pockets, and I didn’t have these bags until after. That pistol is gone.”

The guy’s partner nodded. “Lie detector reads green. It fluctuated during some of that story, but it might just be his chemistry.” God, I wish I could see their faces. Fucking visors. “He doesn’t have the gun, though.”

“That’s the important part,” he partner said with a shrug. “Which way did you run when you left? If it’s still on the floor or something, we need to find it. I don’t want a kid getting a hold of it.”

“Shit, I think we ran left, coming out of the bar. I don’t remember much after that; it was somewhat of a mad dash.”

“Alright, we’ll focus the search that way. The three guilty parties were arrested, by the way. No action will be required on your part. They will be dealt with.”

I nodded. “Thanks for the info, officer. Are we free to go, then?”

“You got it. Have a nice day, and on behalf of Google, I apologize you had to be treated like that. It won’t happen again.”

“Excellent. No offense, but I hope I don’t see either of you again.”

“None taken.” He tapped his partner on the arm. “Come on.” They started walking the way we came, with us stepping to the side to let them pass. We were finally back to what I could temporarily call home.

“I feel like we should check on Fancy,” I said as I put my shit down.

“Eh, he’ll be fine. I do need to go talk to Rarity about something, though. I’ll be back over in a few minutes.”

“Take your time. There’s something wrong with her, or something. She needs to spend time with her friends. And remember to keep today’s adventures secret.”

“My lips are sealed.” And with that, she sauntered out.

I giggled when the door closed. “Won’t be sealed for long,” I whispered as I pushed my laptop and its charger into the laptop bag. I closed that one and put all the ammo in another bag. I then put the gun together and pushed it into the bag, angling it down so it stuck out as little as possible. After a moment of thought, I reached in and broke it down just enough that I could fit it into the bag without any of it showing.

I put a bag on either shoulder and went to the computer desk, sitting down. I figured I could fuck around until Dash got back. Then I could continue to fuck around, if you know what I mean.

The wait was a lot longer than I was expecting, actually. Forty-five minutes after she left, I heard a knock at my door. I closed what I had been doing—no one must know—and went to answer it. I was very surprised at what I found.

I looked down at Dash, wearing ‘sexy’ clothes. Rainbow-colored stockings rode all the way up to her haunches on her back legs. They were held up by thin straps attached to a makeshift saddle that forced her wings up and out. An uncomfortable looking pair of red lacy panties hugged the inside of her haunches, running tight against her wet goods. A simple pair of white socks adorned her front hooves, each with a pink stripe at the top. And to top it all off, a pink ribbon held her normally graceless hair back in a reserved ponytail.

And of course, there was the semi-manic look in her eyes that I knew I had seen before.

“As strange as this is,” I said, “you look pretty fucking sexy.” She seemed to let out a breath. “Now get in here. I don’t want to know what would happen if Fancy saw—or smelled—you like this.” She looked both ways before practically leaping through the door. I gently caressed a wing while closing the door. “Not that I’m complaining, but what’s with the getup?”

She shivered at my touch, moaning delightfully. “I-I spoke with Rarity. I’ve never been… with a stallion. She suggested I dress up for some reason. These panty things are really tight.”

“Well I know I’m going to enjoy unwrapping my little Rainbow of joy.” She groaned at that. I pulled the bags off my shoulders and hastily removed my shirt. “I’m doing this for you. Do you have any kind of preferences?”

“Well, normally I like being tied up and… well, used. But we don’t have any rope. And oooh, those dreams of you… I know you’ll be fine without the ropes.”

I grinned darkly. “I’ll love proving you right.”

(Clop is most definitely coming. This’ll be the end of the chapter, so feel free to stop if you don’t want to read it)

I moved one hand to one of her wings and slowly dragged it up, running my hands through her plumage. Her eyes shot open and I knelt down and reached under her chin with my other hand, kissing her while she moaned. Apparently Dash was a power submissive, and she put up no resistance as I explored her mouth.

Just as quickly as I had ambushed her with the kiss, I pulled away, sidestepping around her body and grasping her tail. I yanked it with one hand and brought my hand down on her flank with another, producing an amusing thwapping sound. “To the bed,” I ordered, slapping her well-toned ass again.

She hopped to obey, her wings fluttering as she trotted to the bed. She jumped onto her back, four legs held in the air like a begging dog. “It always amazes me how much heat can change a mare,” I said as I walked over, a grin forming on my face.

“Just ru—”

I yanked her tail rather hard and slapped her ass again, making her yelp. “Did your master say you could talk?” Her eyes widened, but she quickly averted them, knowing her place. “That’s what I thought. Good little pets get rewards…” I reached my hand down and rubbed at the slit hidden under her sopping panties. She gently moaned as I pushed the warm and wet fabric against her swollen folds. That moan turned into a gasp as I brought my other hand down sharply against her cutie mark. “And bad pets get punishments. What kind of pet are you, my little Dashie?”

“I’m… I’m a good pet,” she whispered, her eyes going down to where I was still gently rubbing her.

“Good.” With one hand, I reached around and slowly began pulling the panties off her, still rubbing the wet fabric into her with the other. When I could no longer both pull them off and rub her, I casually tore them off, throwing them aside. “Now does my little pet want her treat?” She hastily nodded. “Beg for it.”

“Please, master! Reward me!”

“Hmm? What have you done to deserve a reward? Why should you get a treat when your master doesn’t?”

Her ears laid back against her head. “I… I can make you happy, master. I just… I need it!”

I rolled my eyes. I knew if I didn’t give her something at this point, she might well decide to take it. You do not tease a mare in heat. “You’re lucky I’m a loving master.” I knelt down and got ready to taste the rainbow.

“Thank you, master!” I grabbed both of her legs and gently pulled them away, since I had been accidentally kicked before.

With no warning, I took a quick lick across her—“Holy sweet fuck you taste like skittles!”

“I… what?”

We should have done this sooner! I wasted no time turning Dash’s questions into moans of pleasure. I know ponies can sometimes taste like things of their color, but this… This was unbelievable. From the way her front hooves went to my head to try to guide me, she seemed to partially agree on the unbelievable status of it. “Sooo gooood!” she whispered as I attacked her with my tongue, doing my best to taste every inch of her tightness.

Long story short, I lost track of the time I spent eating her candy vag, finally tasting skittles for the first time in over four years. When I finally got my fill of her sweet juices, I pulled away, my chin dripping from her fluids. Her eyes were crossed, her tongue was lolling, and she had a tremendous blush on her face.

She snapped out of it when I slapped her across the flank again. “It is your master’s turn, pet.” She shook herself free, her eyes losing some of the mania present during heat.

“Y-yes, master.”

“Now clean my face of your filth.” She shivered with delight as she stretched to lean forward. My hand moving back down to tweak her clit probably had something to do with that. She finally managed to get next to me, and slowly licked my chin clean of her sweet fluids. “Your master treated you well. Now you’re going to treat him well.”

I pulled away from her and finally slid off my constrictive pants. They had been tight against me ever since I saw her in that sexy outfit. She blinked uncertainly when she saw me and I readied myself to slap her across the face, but she didn’t comment. Instead, she pushed herself up to get at me, trying to get my meat between her lips.

I grabbed her hair and held her back. “Do you think I’m going to stand while you use your unpracticed lips?” I snorted and contemptuously tossed her head to the side before taking a spot next to her. “On your knees. If you start doing a good job, I might massage your wings.”

When she heard that, she practically jumped off the bed and between my legs. She eagerly took my length in her mouth, immediately going down to the base. She proceeded to do nothing for the next ten seconds, just looking at me with her pretty pink eyes.

“Holy shit, you really don’t have any practice. Use your tongue! Let me see some bobbing! Bah, what kind of pet doesn’t know how to please her master? Maybe I should just lock you up for the next few days, see if you’re ready to actually pl—Oooh.” She finally took the hint and began doing things right. “Better. But I hope for your sake I don’t feel any teeth!”

She bobbed up and circled my head with her tongue before wrapping the entire head with her freaky horse tongue and slowly uncurling it. “Hmm… I may not have a sugar cube for my little pet pony, but if you keep that up, you’ll get something sweet.”

I finally reached one hand forward and rubbed at one of her ears. I could feel her smile and moan appreciatively, happy to know she was pleasing her master enough to give her any attention. “Keep on going, Dashie,” I whispered as she bobbed back down, using her tongue to circle all of me and heavily suck in.

I finally moved the hand down to the tip of one of her wings. Her eyes lit up as I slowly dragged my fingers against her feathers, making her feel oh so wrong but oh so right. “If you can make me cum soon, I’ll help you preen,” I said, smiling down at her.

Her eyebrows shot up and she redoubled her efforts, bobbing, slurping, licking, and sucking like a child with a lollipop. When I finally felt just about ready to burst, I gripped her head with both hands and forced her down onto me, letting her wings go. The surprise was enough to get her to grunt and jerk her tongue, finally sending me over the edge.

I felt myself twitch and sigh as I came inside Rainbow Dash, giving her a taste of my seed. “Good pets swallow,” I said, not letting her pull back. “And you’re a good pet, Dashie.”

When I heard her very noisily swallow and look up at me with bloodshot, teary eyes, I let go of the back of her head. She quickly pulled away from me, gulping in air.

“Now,” I said as she tried to regain herself, “I hope that’s enough to take the edge off for now. I’m really tired and want to go to bed.”

When she was able to talk easily again, she said, “I’m… fine. Can you just help me get this stupid saddle off?”

“Easy enough.” She quickly turned around and thrust her ass in my face again. I don’t know if she was trying to give me a hint or what, but I meant what I said. I undid the straps Rarity had in place and pulled the saddle off, tossing it away. “What about the socks?”

“…They’re warm and cozy.”

I grinned. “And so are you. Hop on up and let’s go to sleep.”

She met my grin with her own. “Awesome! You really are a good bro, Nav. Thanks for all… this. And sorry for having such a weird fetish. Just don’t tell anypony, or else.”

I shrugged. “No big. Let’s just sleep.” No more words were said as she hopped up on the bed with me and we both lied back down.

Well, no more words were said by either of us. Just as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, I heard the intercom click. “What the fu—”

Chapter Seventy-Six—All good things must end

Chapter Seventy-Six—All good things must end

Having highly immoral relations with Dash seemed to have put her in the mind to be a better bedfellow, because she was actually relatively calm that night, as far as I could tell. Well, she was sleeping calmly, at least; I don’t want to talk about where one of my hands ended up. Hint: It was warm and wet.

When I pulled my hand from her mouth and got up, I shuddered at the clinging feel of sex fluids on some parts of my body. I took a quick shower and got out to find Dash still being lazy.

I woke her up the best way I knew how. She jolted awake, trying to figure out what was happening and why she was enjoying it so much. When she realized it was just me molesting her, she happily sighed and leaned back onto the bed.

“A mare could get used to that,” she sighed when I pulled away.

“I can imagine. Now go take a shower. You smell like sex and sweat.”

“But the bed is so warm and comfy!”

I crossed my arms. “Do I need to start tickling you?”

She narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t.” I lifted my wings menacingly, ready to strike down at her at any moment. She sighed and rolled out of bed, grumbling.

“Good girl. Maybe if you take your time, I’ll have a treat when you get out.”

“You already said you’d help me preen!”

“I didn’t say when. Now go take a shower.” She sighed and walked to the bathroom, hanging her head. I playfully swatted her flank with my wing as she passed. She just hmphed at that.

When she was safely in the bathroom, the intercom kicked on. “I will never, ever forgive you for making me watch that,” the lady said, sounding somewhat upset.

“Hey, you know it was sexy.”

“I hate you so much right now that it hurts. The least you could do is put some pants on!”

“Love you too, babe. Can you send word down to the kitchen for me?”

“Ugh. What do you want?”

“Strawberry pancakes for Dash. I’m not hungry.”

“Whatever. And Doctor Anonymous wants to see you at noon. It’s eleven, now.”

“Where?”

“His office. I assume you know the way by now.”

“I do. So what’s your name, again?”

I heard a heavy sigh from the intercom before she answered, “Melissa.” It clicked off and I figured she wouldn’t answer.

“That’s a pretty name,” I said anyway, smiling. As I expected, she didn’t bother answering. I went to get dressed, since I knew the food would probably come within the half hour.

Half an hour later, I had Dash on my lap and I was preening one of her wings. When someone knocked on the door, she didn’t move. “Forget them,” she said, ruffling her feathers and undoing most of my work. “It can wait.”

“I know you’re hungry, Dash. Let me up.” She sighed and moved, giving me puppy-dog eyes that I dutifully ignored on the way to the door. I opened it and to my joyous surprise found the beautiful Cici on the other side. I met her with a grin. “Lovely to see you again,” I said.

She met my grin with her own. “Same to you, Nav.” I stood aside so she could wheel the tray in. “Oh, you have a guest. You two seem to be together a lot.” God, I loved her accent.

“We’re pretty good friends, yeah. Cici, what do you think of… trying new things?”

“Oh? Vat kinds of new things?” I could see a blush slowly forming on Dash’s face and her wings started twitching.

“Well, my little blue friend here has a problem. An itch that I can’t quite scratch, you could say. I think she can explain it better than I can, and since I need to go meet the doc, she’ll have to be the one to do it.” Cici looked somewhat unsure about what I implied, but I stepped in close and whispered, “Remember, it’s just xenophilia.”

“Ve can… talk,” she finally said, turning her gaze down to Dash.

“Wonderful! Now, I’ll see you both later.” I quickly grabbed all the bags with all of my gear and walked on out. I was hoping Dash would be able to get it on with a real woman before we got back to Equestria. Maybe Cici will be open-minded enough to try it. And maybe—just maybe—I could continue traumatizing Melissa.

I set off down the hall, wondering what the other me wanted. My guess was that he was pissed about the bar incident. If he was, he would probably try to search my mind.

There were considerably more people in the halls this time, though not enough to make them feel crowded. I smiled at all the women I passed, wondering if any would be easy picking. Some of the ones in lab coats looked interested, but I don’t know if that was to study me or to fuck me.

Either way, none of them greeted me. It was honestly kind of awkward, and I felt happy to get to my destination. “So whataya need, Doc?” I asked, sitting in the chair in front of him.

“You’re early,” he said, leaning back.

“Yeah. A friend of mine was having sex in my room. I figured it would be nice to leave her be.”

“Yes, I heard about you and that… friend. Disgusting.” I felt my eyes narrow slightly, but I didn’t rise to the bait. He continued when I didn’t say anything. “Due to security reasons, my sister can’t be allowed in or near the facility. Letting you out poses a security risk as well, but it isn’t really a risk to us, or at least it won’t be once we pull some memories out of your nanites.”

I lifted my eyebrows. “I get to go outside?”

“We’re leaving in thirty. I trust you can hide those wings?”

“Yep. Hey, is there any way you could not bring Jessica along? She fucking hates me for some reason.”

“Someone has to make sure you don’t misbehave. I’m definitely getting up in years, if you stealing my gun was any indication. Still… I’ll try to find someone else. Someone that you won’t flirt with.”

“Oh come on, you can’t have a road trip with just three guys.” He gave me an Old Man look for that. I just grinned at him.

“Let’s go,” he finally said, standing. “If Jessica isn’t going, we can leave sooner.”

“I should probably tell my friends that I’m leaving,” I answered, also standing.

“They’ll be told through the intercom system. We should be back in a few hours, if all goes well.” He led the way out into the hall. I followed next to him.

“And if all doesn’t go well?”

“Then you better be ready to pretend to be God’s messenger again, because that might be the only way we get out of it.”

“Don’t you worry about me. I’ve been in worse situations than just about anything we can find here.”

“I’m sure.” He pressed the button to call the elevator. “So why are you carrying everything?”

“So I’ll have it with me whenever the spell wears off.” The elevator dinged open and on we went. “What ever happened to… her, anyway?”

“Her who? There have been a lot of hers.”

I sighed, looking away from him. “Lilith.”

“Never saw her again. I’m over it, though. I’m married, got a kid, got a career… I wasted too much time regretting the past. I suggest you get over her, too.”

“I know. You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve had to get over already. What’s a broken heart?”

“That’s the spirit.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped off, walking down the hall. “I figured you would have found some replacement for her by now. It’s been six years for you, hasn’t it?”

“I avoided it for a while, remembering the pain. When I finally tried letting someone new in… Let’s just say my heart wasn’t the only thing that ended up broken. Watch out for princesses, man; they’re fucking crazy.”

“I will remember that, much good it will ever do me.”

“Aren’t you going with me when I come back for you guys? You’d probably meet her eventually if you do.”

He shook his head. “My place is here. If something ever does happen, I will help shepherd the remnants of humanity through the harsh times. That said, I will not let my legacy die out with me.”

I snorted. “Well, don’t expect me to continue it. I’m infertile.”

“No you aren’t.” I had a moment of panic before he continued, “You just can’t impregnate anything. You are a species all unto your own. No, that isn’t what I meant at all. If I can’t go, Jessica and her mother will. I am leery of trusting them with you, but the idea of colonizing the future is too much to pass up. And I suppose someone has to be in charge of security.” Oh great, I’ll have to deal with her later.

“Then I hope she gets her panties unwadded. That attitude she has will get her in no end of trouble.”

“I will have a talk with her before she leaves, of course.” He stopped at an empty stretch of wall and pressed a few hidden buttons. A small door slid open.

“How do you see these damn hidden areas?” I asked.

“Contact lenses. They allow for a number of useful features.” I looked around to find that we were in a barracks.

“Ooh. Could I get a set?”

“Yeah. When you come back. That’ll be the same time you get a number of better toys. Until then, you’ve been given the bare essentials.” I bet I know a place I could go to get a set of those lenses.

“Whatever. If I die before I can get back, you have only yourself to blame.”

“And wouldn’t that be disappointing.” He didn’t even try to sound sad about it. “I need a fire team who isn’t doing anything,” he said to the troops around us. “We’re going off base, incognito. Should be light duty. Anyone interested?”

“We’re in,” a voice I recognized said. I looked over to the one who spoke and saw Aaron with two other guys. “What equipment we bringing?”

“X-ray sniper, rail SMG, and an electro-rifle. Keep them broken down and out of sight. And make absolutely sure the scans won’t pick them up. I do not want to deal with that kind of attention on the off chance we get scanned. Meet us in the transport bay in ten.” The three guys saluted and Anon—God, it feels weird to write that—led the way out.

“What the hell’s a rail SMG?” I asked as we continued down the hall.

“Rail gun. It uses magnets to very quietly shoot. Its power can be turned up or down, meaning if we do need to get in a fight in a crowd, we wouldn’t have to worry about much collateral damage, or bullets going through people.”

“And an x-ray sniper?”

“It fires a lethal ray of particles into a target, shutting down the body. It makes no sound and it will almost definitely kill whatever is shot. And an electro-rifle is a more powerful and accurate taser gun.”

“Man, technology has come a long way.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet. And you probably aren’t going to get to, since we aren’t going anywhere big. If you could see New York—or Seoul, for that matter—you’d probably flip out.”

“They can’t be that different. It’s only been thirty-five years. It would cost too much to change them as much as it would take to surprise me overly much in that short of time.”

“Maybe. I suppose the most noticeable changes are in the places where there wasn’t much tech when you left. But the history isn’t important.” We entered a very large open door leading to the massive transport bay. “I suppose I should tell you that you’ll be asleep as we leave. Well, either asleep or very groggy. The stuff that we have would knock a seven hundred pound person on his ass, so we’re assuming it’ll work on you.”

“Why?”

“So you don’t know where our base is, or at least what the countryside looks like. It’s an hour or two drive anyway, so you won’t miss much.”

“Meh. Just make sure no one molests me in my sleep.”

“No promises. Do whatever you’re going to do to hide your wings.” We were walking to some large car. I reached into one of my bags and pulled the leather duster out, quickly slipping it on. My other self stopped and looked at me. “Really? That’s your master plan? Put on a jacket that anyone can see bulging?”

“Give me a cane and I can pretend to be a hunchback.”

“I hate you.”

“Look, do you have any better suggestions?”

He crossed his arms, looking me up and down. “We could dress you up like a girl or something and say it’s a fashion statement.”

“Have you been talking to Rarity?” He just grinned. “Fuck you. Look, we probably won’t be in public for long, right? If anyone asks, tell them it’s a physical deformity. If the people here are anything like the people I left behind, they’ll be too embarrassed to say anything afterward.”

“Hm. I think I’m liking the idea of dressing you up better.”

“Too bad. Unless you can get me a cloak that I can hide them under better, this’ll be it.” I looked over at our vehicle, which had heavily tinted windows. “And I won’t even need it until we get there, unless we get pulled over. Until we do, I’d rather not wear it.” I slid it off, stuffing it back into a bag.

“Suit yourself. Those security boys better get here quickly. I want to get this underway.” Him and me both. I knew the clock was slowly ticking down on the time I was probably going to be pulled away. I was expecting it would be a few more days, but on the same vein, I didn’t want to take chances. For the first time in a long time, I felt anticipation for something. It was… a good feeling.

And then my asshole self had to ruin it by jamming something into my neck when I was looking the other way. “What the fuck?” I asked, jerking away from him and reaching to where I normally kept hidden weapons.

“That was the sedative. It’ll take a few minutes to knock you out, since your blood is like syrup. And yes, I do mean syrup; while we were testing it, we found that it has a high sugar content.”

“Well that’s certainly interesting. I should probably be sitting down when this hits.”

“Our guards are coming in anyway, it looks like. Just wait for them.” I turned my head to the door and felt some dizziness. I saw Aaron and his two guys walking toward us, seemingly not carrying any weapons.

“Ooh man, this stuff is kicking in,” I said, putting a hand to my head. “I wonder what it would do to a horse.” It would be funny to use something like it on Celestia in the morning before she woke up. And maybe I could use one on the other two princesses as well, just to see what the ponies would do without anyone really in charge for a day.

“I imagine it would put one out for nearly a day, depending on the size. Of course, you won’t be getting any of it right now.” Not legally, maybe.

“We ready to go, doc?” Aaron asked when he got close enough to us.

“Yeah. One of you is driving. One in the front seat. The rest of us will be in the back. There’s plenty of room in this thing, thankfully.”

He nodded. “Gleeks, drive. Phil, shotgun.” Anon tossed the keys at the guy that was apparently Gleeks. “Uh, Nav? You feelin’ alright?”

The sedative was finally kicking in. I felt the doc say something as I started falling. I think someone caught me half way down, but I don’t know for sure.

When I woke up, I found that my head was in a position I didn’t much care for: in Aaron’s lap. I tried jerking away, only to find my body wasn’t responding that well yet.

“Relax, Nav,” Aaron said, rubbing the top of my head somewhat creepily. “According to the doc, you’ll be a bit out of it for a little while. Hell, we’re surprised you’re even awake.”

“I’m not,” the doc said from somewhere behind me.

“Yeah, yeah,” he answered. “You’ll get your damn money, you leech. Anyway,” he continued, moving his hand to my wings to pet them, “we’re almost there. Just keep trying to move. It should wear off faster that way.”

I tried opening my mouth to tell him to stop touching my wings, but my face still felt numb. I was rather hoping Anon would tell him to knock that shit off, but when I could finally twitch my head his way, I just saw him smiling at my discomfort and blushing face. Thankfully, most of my body was numb so I couldn’t really feel it, but still.

How do you tell someone that they’ve been accidentally molesting you? Especially when you can’t talk…

Since trying to do so would be extremely awkward, I just worked on sitting up, trying to move as much of my body as I could. After a few minutes, my body started to wake up. Now, normally I would consider that a good thing, but I forgot one very important thing… You know how when your leg falls asleep, it gets very sensitive as it starts waking up?

Yeah, that was a very, very awkward boner. It took me nearly fifteen minutes after that sensitive phase to finally pick myself off of him. “I hate everything,” I groaned as I leaned forward, letting my head rest on the driver’s chair.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked.

In a way, I wanted to tell him so he wouldn’t do it again, but in another way I really didn’t want to deal with that awkward situation. So instead I just sighed and said, “My body feels fucking terrible. If we got in some trouble, I’d be useless.”

“Well, you do sound pretty slurred. If we get pulled over, don’t open your mouth. I don’t think you have an ID, so a cop would be quite suspicious if you sound drunk.”

“Actually,” the doctor said from behind me, “I have a stimulant right here that should pop him right back up. Your arm, please?” I sighed and held my arm back, sticking it over the seat. He grabbed it and I felt a prick in the crook of my arm. “There.”

“So why did you wait until now to do this?” Aaron asked as I recovered my arm.

“Because you looked like you were having fun molesting him,” the doctor said.

I heard Aaron jerk back into the door. “Molest? What?”

The doctor chuckled. “His wings. They’re full of nerve clusters. Extremely sensitive, akin to a woman’s clitoris.”

There was silence in the car for a few seconds before the two guys sitting up front burst out laughing. Aaron was stammering something, trying to formulate a response. I was still leaning against the front seat, waiting for the stim to kick in.

“He’s joking, right?” he finally managed to say over the laughter. “Your wings aren’t… really like that, are they?”

I sighed and answered, “You aren’t the first to do it without realizing, and you probably won’t be the last.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Because my mouth wasn’t working.”

“Not you! Doc, what’s wrong with you?” I still wasn’t looking up, so I didn’t realize who he was talking to.

I imagine he shrugged as he said, “It was funny and he enjoyed it. I don’t see what the problem is. He doesn’t even seem to mind, honestly.”

“He already told me he was straight! Why do you think I’ve left him alone? That is not okay, Doc! Shit… I’m sorry, Nav.”

“Not the worst I’ve been through,” I said, finally feeling the hints of energy coursing through my veins. “Want to hear a story of a nice little kitty?”

“You’re just… okay with this?”

“Again, I’ve been through worse. Here’s the story of my time in Egypt…”

By the time we got to our little destination, I had finished my tale, I was overly full of energy, and all four of my travel companions were horrified.

“I wouldn’t mind meeting that little pussy,” the dude riding shotgun said, cracking his knuckles.

I grinned at his determination. “If you met her without a gun with that kind of attitude, it would end poorly. I didn’t mention that she’s a trained assassin who is very good at her craft.”

“Man, if that’s the kind of welcome you got in that place, why would you want to go back?” Aaron asked.

“I got a daughter to feed and responsibilities to take care of.”

“You? Daughter?” the other me asked.

“Yep. That’s a story for another time, though. Looks like we might be here.”

‘Here’ was a fucking city, as compared to the small town I was promised earlier. Though I suppose after getting back from Ponyland, a small town in my time would of course feel like a city. We were near the middle of it now, parked in front of some fancy hotel.

“We are indeed,” Anon confirmed. “Get your jacket on. Gleeks, park around back. Keep an eye out for anything suspicious. Everyone else, le—Wait. Is there a pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment?” Phil popped it open to find that yes, there was. “Give them to Navarone.” They were passed to me and I put them on, successfully covering my eyes and my wings. “Alright, let’s go.” The four of us piled out of the large car, heading up the stairs to the fancy hotel.

We got no looks on our way into the hotel and over to the elevator. No one paid any attention to me at all, not even to the bulge in the back of my jacket or the sunglasses. It was very nice.

When we got on the elevator, Anon continued, “I’ll go in to meet her first. After a few minutes, I’ll call you in, Nav. Any funny business and I’ll shoot you.”

“Then I should warn you that I’m allergic to things that hurt or kill me.”

“Noted.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped out, heading left down the hall. “Ah, room 401. Stand to either side, please.” I stood on one side of the door and the other guys stood on the other, Aaron getting as far as possible from me. I assume he didn’t want her to see us. Either way, he politely knocked.

A few seconds later, the door opened. I can’t really detail my desire to peek in, but I knew doing so would be a bad idea. “Finally here, ‘Non? You never were one for sticking to a schedule.”

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

If I knew her still, she was crossing her arms as she responded, “By a few seconds. Come on in, and bring your friends with you.” She could see our frames, but she probably couldn’t make out any details.

“I have some words for you alone, first. Wait out here, you three.”

We didn’t answer as he walked inside, the door shutting behind him. Aaron walked over across the hall and slid his back down the wall, sitting on the floor. “So you have a daughter?” he asked, looking over at me. “How’s that work?”

“Rescued her from Egypt. She’s a cute little unicorn, but beyond fucked in the head. It’s to be expected, from whatever she’s been through.”

“How old is she?”

I sighed, joining him on the floor. “You know, I don’t even know. Those damn ponies never talk about age. It’s… somewhat disturbing, honestly. If I had to give her a human age, I’d say eleven or twelve. She acts more like a fifteen year old, though.” I sighed again, letting my head lean back against the wall. “I wish she hadn’t chosen to stay with me…”

“Why?” the other guy asked. “What’s wrong with kids?”

“Nothing, as long as they aren’t mine. But it’s not for my sake that I wish she hadn’t, it’s for hers. I’m not a very good father, which probably explains why Anon’s daughter is such a bitch.”

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked. “I mean, I can’t deny that Jessica isn’t exactly easy to get along with, but what does one have to do with another?”

I assume they didn’t know that I was Anonymous. And if they didn’t know, it was probably good not to tell them. “Don’t worry about it. You two have any good stories?”

“None as good as yours,” Aaron said. “Tell us about the dragon.”

I grinned and started telling them about the lovely Kumani. I was halfway into my description of her legs that go on for days when the door opened. “Come on in, Nav,” the other me said.

I pushed myself up, trying to calm the heavy beating of my heart. I was about to see someone I thought I would never see again, someone I had been missing for years. If fate fucked me over here by sending me back, I would kill the first thing I saw in raw rage.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. I walked into the room, taking off my sunglasses so I could actually see. “It is you!” Jane said from her position on the bed.

“Yep,” I answered with a happy smile, very glad I wouldn’t have to explain much. “Just about thirty-five years removed from things. How’s your art going?”

“It isn’t… What happened? How is this even possible?”

I sighed, sliding my jacket off. “I wish I could tell you,” I said, stretching my wings. Her eyes jerked to them. “Yeah, I’ve been fucked over sideways and rebuilt more than once. I’m lucky I even look passably human. My new home has not been kind. But neither of us came all this way to talk about my personal hell. My daughter’s a bitch, but what about my nephews and nieces?”

She looked at me for a few more seconds before slowly turning back to the other me. “Is this… some kind of clone? Is this what you’re making at that mountain of yours?”

“If he is, he’s not one of ours,” he said, shaking his head. “And he’s not a perfect clone, either. We tested his genes. He’s not even human. As for what he said happened… He has nanites that are more advanced than anything anyone in the bunker had seen. They were able to show us all the information we wanted to see, despite not having been inside him for the entire time. And most of what he says checks out, too. As weird and strange as it is, he’s real, a version of me removed during senior year of high school.”

“It just… doesn’t seem possible…” she whispered, looking me over.

“Well, we already know God doesn’t exist, or if he does, that he’s an asshole. Who’s to say our enemy isn’t the only one with some insane powers?”

She snorted. “That talk again. You keep going o—”

Anon pointed at me. “There’s your proof, Sis. Ask him anything. And even if we are wrong, so what? You know where the world is going. You know what it looks like. The damn Asians keep making demands and South America isn’t staying quiet either!”

“Hey!” I shouted, getting their attention. “I didn’t come across time, space, and several hundred miles to be used in a fucking argument! Yes, humanity is going to die. The fact that the ponies exist proves that. But if she would rather die with her family than trapped in a mountain like a rat, that’s her choice.”

At some point during that, Jane had jerked back. “Your eyes…” she whispered, looking into them. I met her gaze and attempted to soften my gaze. She sighed, looking away. “I know those eyes anywhere, even if they have been defaced. You’re my brother, for better or worse.” She looked back to me. “How?”

“If I told you magic, would you be upset?”

“A little.”

I shrugged and said, “Then I don’t know. I wish I had an answer. But I wish even more that it had never happened… But again, I didn’t come this far to tell you about me.” I nodded to my other self and said, “He can tell you all about me; he has the memories, apparently. How are things?”

If you know someone that wants to use you is reading your personal accounts of something that’s so close to you, would you give them anything? Including, of course, your real name?

We were interrupted some time later by a fast knocking. Anon rushed to get it, knowing that if we were being disturbed, there would probably be a reason. “We got trouble, Boss,” Aaron said.

“Shit. Nav, get your coat on. What kind of trouble?”

“Gleeks ain’t sure, but there’s something going on. We got cops coming in.”

Anon nodded. “They wouldn’t send cops for us. Get locked and loaded, but keep it hidden. It’s time for us to make a hasty retreat. Whatever they’re searching for, we don’t want to be found.” Aaron pulled a micro SMG out of a coat pocket and a magazine from another. He slid it in with a sexy click and racked the slide back.

While he was doing that, I was reaching around to one of my wings before putting my coat on. I gently plucked a feather loose, ruffling my wings at the sting. “To remember me by, for whatever you think I’m worth,” I said, handing the feather to my sister. “I’ll probably… never see you again,” I sighed, looking away.

“That you got to see me at all is a blessing,” she said, pulling me into a hug.

What do you tell someone that you know you’ll never see again? “I love you,” I whispered before pulling out of the hug.

“Minä rakastan sinua,” she answered, smiling.

I met her smile with my own as I threw my jacket over my wings. “Shoulda figured you would go for a foreigner. Watch out for the feds, sis.” I slid my sunglasses on and nodded to myself. “Ready to go.”

Anon nodded back. “Good. Jane, the offer still stands. Now let’s go.” He pushed past Aaron, who had hidden his piece. “Where are they entering?” he asked as I followed him, not looking back. I had the desire to see her one more time, but I knew it would only make it more painful.

“All sides,” Aaron answered. “Looks like a standard raid. Without more people on the inside, I don’t know which floor they’re hitting.”

“It won’t be this one,” he answered, walking away from the elevator. He casually reached out and pulled a fire alarm as we followed him, sending a harsh ringing sound through the halls. “Tell your man to be ready to drive immediately. We need to get gone before the firemen respond.”

Doors were starting to open as people looked into the halls, trying to figure out what was going on. When they saw us, a few poked their head back in while some others joined our small exodus to what was hopefully either a fire escape or a stairwell.

When we got to the stairs, we had a small tail following us and a larger group ahead of us. “I hate stairs,” the older me sighed as he started walking down them.

“That’s what you get for being old,” I answered, not minding them in the slightest.

“Don’t make me smack you.” I just grinned and continued following him, Aaron or Phil close to my back so no one saw the unnatural shapes under my jacket.

Thankfully, the stairwell had a fire escape that people were slowly filing out of. We joined the line and quickly found out why the pace was slow: The police were watching everyone exit, presumably searching for someone in particular. They were rather heavily armed for normal cops, so I assumed we were dealing with SWAT. Thankfully, they let the four of us through with nothing more than hard looks.

We casually walked to the parking lot, trying not to look like we were in a hurry. We made it there easily enough, thankfully. “Of all the times for a damn raid,” Phil sighed as we closed the doors of our vehicle.

Anon said, “They weren’t looking for us and that’s all that matters. Let’s get out of here.”

Our driver nodded and pulled out. We quickly ran into a problem: The entrance to the parking lot was cordoned off. The cops were checking IDs before letting anyone out.

“Ideas?” the driver asked, pulling us into the short line.

“Two come to mind,” Aaron said. “First, gunning it.”

“Can’t,” the doc said. “The other idea?”

“Take our seats. This might work.”

I lifted an eyebrow as I slid over the seat. “You’re going to try hiding me?” I asked, situating myself in my new seat. Anon took a little longer to get over. When he did, Aaron wasted no time joining me.

“Something like that,” he finally said as the car in front of us moved out of the way. Before I could ask what he meant, his arms wrapped around me and suddenly he was kissing me. My eyes shot open in surprise, not at all expecting this outcome. In hindsight, it makes sense, and surprisingly enough it even worked. He somehow had his tongue in my mouth before the doc tapped him on the shoulder.

“We’re through,” he said, humor in his voice. Aaron finally let me go, pulling away. “That was definitely a… unique way of getting ignored.”

“It worked,” was his answer to that. “Sorry, Nav. It was the first thing that came to mind.”

“Still not the worst thing I’ve been through,” I sighed, looking out the window. “Until you’ve had your throat explored by a freakishly long changeling tongue, you don’t know about strange make-out sessions.”

“I sense another story,” Aaron said, pulling his gun out of one of his pockets. He quickly unloaded it and popped the round from the chamber.

“I suppose. You want to hear about the queen I fucked or my sexy little changeling maid?”

“We got time for both,” one of the guys up front said.

I shrugged and did my best to settle back with my wings still hidden. “Then let me tell you about the time I met Queen Chrysalis and helped save all of Equestria…”

I woke up some time after the trip back on my bed. The doctor had, of course, put me to sleep during the drive. When I did wake up, I found that my pillow was different from the one I had been using.

“About time you woke up,” Dash said from her position under me. I assume she had been watching me sleep, as creepy as that was. “Cici was just… awesome,” she sighed. “Took her a few minutes to warm up to the idea, but when she did… You’re the best bro ever, Nav.” I couldn’t exactly answer since I was completely numb, so I just blinked a few times, still trying to get my body to turn on. “Yeah, that soldier guy said you wouldn’t be able to move for a little while. He wanted to leave something to make you wake up, but apparently the doc—whoever that is—told him that it could make your heart explode from having too many of them or something. I told him you were too tough for that, but he just told me to watch out for you. Also, he left a note.”

I grunted and closed my eyes again, just trying to move.

She snorted. “And you call me lazy! You’re already trying to go back to sleep!” Sleeping would be nice, admittedly, but I didn’t think I had any of my stuff on me and I would rather have it on or near me in case I disappeared. Also, I had stuff to do and being stuck or asleep wouldn’t be helpful. “You know, I gotta say that I expected you to know how to take better care of your wings by now… So messy. You don’t mind if I help out a bit, do you?”

I, of course, didn’t say anything.

“Didn’t think so. Hold still.” Because I’m going anywhere. She gently took my upper body in her hooves and slid out from under me, lowering me onto the bed. After she made sure I was fine, she hopped up and got to where she could easily pick at my wings.

I couldn’t see what she was doing, but after a few minutes, I could definitely feel it. I sighed in contentment as the drug slowly wore off, letting me slowly shift into a more comfortable position. I was very much getting into it and wondering if I would finally have my first wing-gasm when the fucking door slammed open.

“Ooooh Na—What are you doing?” Rarity asked, barging in.

As soon as Dash heard the door slam open, she jumped off the bed as quickly as possible. “N-nothing!” she stammered, probably turning bright red.

“That was definitely not nothing,” Rarity said, walking in further. “Did I perhaps… interrupt something?”

“No!” Dash quickly answered.

“Hm… If those outstretched wings on the both of you mean anything, I think I was!”

Dash was trying to come up with a response when I slurred, “Come. Off. It. You. High. Class. Bitch.” My voice still wasn’t working very well, but I was able to finally push myself to a sitting position. When I was able to see Rarity, I couldn’t tell if she looked concerned or affronted.

“Are you alright?” she finally asked, her concern winning over the fact that I called her a bitch.

“He’s fine,” Dash answered for me. “He just got drugged earlier. I was trying to wake him up.”

“…Huh. The lives you two lead… Well, I was going to get him to take me into town, but I suppose I shall have to wait.”

“Fancy?” I asked.

“Gone. He’s at some manner of gentlestallion’s club. I was invited, but I believe I would like to try something that I can’t find at home.”

“Twenty. Minutes,” I managed to force out. I figured I could get ready in that time.

“Well, I suppose I need to prepare anyway. I shall wait for you, then. Behave yourselves, you two!” And with that, little miss killjoy left.

When the door clicked shut, Dash turned back to me with a shark’s grin. “Now where were we?”

I love being me sometimes.

Some time later, I found myself agile enough to move around again. My steps were halting and I knew I would need a hand on Dash’s back to keep me steady, but I was once again mobile. My first order of business was finding all of my bags and shit. After that, I read the note Aaron left me. It was an invitation to a club. Drinks on him, to make up for accidentally molesting me and then purposefully molesting me.

In hindsight… Well, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

“Melissa, you there?” I asked, slipping the note into one of my many pockets.

The intercom clicked on and she sighed into it. “Yes?”

“Do you know how I can get in contact with the intercom dude named Ryan?”

“No.”

“…Do you want to go on a date?”

There was silence for nearly ten seconds before she said, “Not just no, but hell no.”

Dash giggled. “Dude, shot down hard.”

I shrugged. “Love you, too.” I didn’t specify who I was talking to. “Ready, Dash?”

“You know it! I can’t wait to find out what normal humans consider a party!”

“You’re sounding like Pinkie,” I scolded, achingly walking to the door. “We just need to pick up Rarity and drop her off wherever she’s going.”

“Probably some frilly frou-frou place for some fashion stuff,” she joked, joining me in the hall.

“I certainly hope so. She needs to drop this creepy anime thing I accidentally got her in.”

“Creepy what thing?”

“I don’t know, something about cartoons for little girls. People her age shouldn’t be into that shit, you know?”

She just shrugged as I went to knock on Rarity’s door. She opened it a few seconds later. “Are you finally ready?” she asked.

“Rarity, what’s the orange shit on your nose?” She went cross-eyed trying to look at it. I bent in, narrowing my eyes. “Is that… cheeto dust?”

“Why yes, I suppose it is! That kind young stal—er, man on the intercom suggested them to me.”

I rolled my eyes and rubbed it off her nose. “You keep eating that shit, you’re gonna get fat. Come on, let’s get going.”

She huffed as she fell into step with me and Dash. “I will not get fat, thank you very much.”

I smiled and said, “Yeah, it might be too late. Just look at those flanks!”

Her face turned bright red as she glared at me. That glare slowly grew uncertain and concerned as she cast the occasional furtive glance to her ass. Eventually she stopped and just looked back. “OH CELESTIA, IT’S TRUE! I’M CORPULENT!”

“Well, at least you’re honest,” I said, giggling.

The very bruised shin I got was worth it.

When Rarity finished having her fit about how I’m supposed to compliment a lady and always make her feel pretty, we continued on our way.

“So Dash,” I said as we were waiting on the elevator, “do you consider yourself a lady?”

“Psh, no.”

“So how would you feel if I called you pretty?”

“Kinda weirded out, actually.”

“Rainbow! You should take compliments with grace and poise!” Rarity scolded. “I shall demonstrate. Navarone, if you would.”

I idly scratched at the hair growing in on my chin. “I don’t know… It’s hard to think of a compliment for you.” I let the sour look come onto her face before continuing, “I mean, you already know you’re one of the most beautiful ponies out there and you have dozens of suitors to tell you that, so there’s hardly anything someone like me could tell you that you don’t already know.” And there was the shocked look on her face that I was expecting. I grinned and finished, “So where’s that grace and poise you were mentioning?”

She quickly shook her head, breaking away from her shock, and sniffed. “Well, that was hardly a normal compliment…”

“Oh, so you’re blaming me for your lack of grace. Typical woman; blame the man when something goes wrong.” The elevator dinged open and we stepped on in, Rarity trying to defend herself and me not paying attention. “So what floor are we going to?” I asked when she stopped talking.

She huffed and poked one of the buttons. Of course, since she had hooves, that had the dual effect of sending us to three other floors. When Dash and I glared at her, she turned away, her face burning bright pink.

“So where are you going, anyway?” Dash asked as the elevator opened on the first of the four floors she pushed in.

The doors slid shut and Rarity answered, “A small store somepony suggested to me.”

“Fashion, I assume?” I asked.

“Well, no. I’ve learned some about your fashion already, from watching your movies and some anime.”

I sighed, rubbing at my face. “Rarity, no one dresses like people in anime or in movies. If you try copying styles from those, you’ll probably get laughed out of every place you show them off.”

She smiled. “I don’t mean normal, everyday clothes, Nav. No, I have something… different in mind. And based on your reaction to Rainbow Dash last night, I believe I have a market in the more… erotic branches of clothing.”

I was silent for a few seconds, trying to get that through my head. “Holy… you’re going to make pony lingerie?”

“I am certainly going to try, yes. I admit, this isn’t something I particularly want my name on, but I believe the profit might outweigh the potential stigma.”

“So wait, this shop we’re going to… Is it a panty store or something?”

She flinched back before saying, “No! I wouldn’t bring a stall—er, man to one of those with me! Or at least, not somepony I wasn’t planning on modeling for…” She sighed before continuing, “No, this is something else.”

I shrugged. “Well, as long as it’s not some weaboo anime place, I’ll be fine.”

“…Right.”

“God dammit, Rarity.” We were currently standing in front of some weaboo anime place. I could barely see into the window past all the posters and shit.

“This is not just an anime shop, Navarone,” she said, trying and failing to abate my massive disappointment. “They sell all manner of… mangas and… cosplay? I think that’s what Ryan said.”

I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose. “Dash, you wait out here. This place would sap your aura of cool and awesome right away. I shouldn’t be long.”

She was probably getting that vibe too, based on her somewhat apprehensive look. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Just uh… don’t take too long.”

“Oh posh! Navarone, you’re exaggerating. If you’re going to be this immature, I can just go in without you.”

I pushed the door open and walked in. The three guys standing around the store doing things looked up as I walked in. As soon as they saw me, their eyes drifted to my wings. The first one of you fucking mouthbreathers that compares me to some anime figure will get punched in the kidney.

“Sup,” I said as Rarity walked in behind me.

One dude that I swear had to be seven feet tall smiled. “Ah, Navarone and Rarity. It’s good to finally see you in person!”

My eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Ryan?” I asked.

“In the flesh, for once.” As I said, he was monstrously tall. He was also about as skinny as a pole. He looked awkward as fuck, but I figured I could get him laid if I went about it right. “I was starting to wonder if you would come by.”

Rarity stepped forward, smiling. “I told you I would, darling. Though you look quite a bit taller than I was expecting.”

“Yeah… I get that a lot. I gotta say, I’m surprised to see you here, Nav.”

“I’m just here for two things. The first, an invitation. Me, Dash, and some guys are going to a club. If you want to make good on my offer, you’re welcome to come.”

His smile deepened for a moment before his eyes flicked to Rarity. “Uh… How long do you think you’ll be there?”

I crossed my arms. “I don’t know. But if you give me, say, an hour or so, I might can have some targets scoped out for you.”

“I can do that. It shouldn’t take long to get Miss Rarity squared away.”

“And that brings me to the second reason I came here. If you fuck with her, I’ll give you a choice of punishments. One is getting punched in the face. The other is me walking through the shop, mispronouncing every title in the most horrible way I can and then asking how they are compared to DBZ.” All three of the guys flinched at the second one. “So yeah. Treat her like you’re supposed to treat your mother. And yes, that includes hiding the hentai.”

Rarity turned to me, an interested look on her face. “What’s… hentai?”

I looked up to Ryan. “The name of the club is the Cherry Stem. Don’t leave us waiting long.”

“Don’t you worry. I’ll be there!” I barely heard his whispered, “Hopefully…”

I nodded and turned to walk out of the shop. As the door swung shut, I heard one of the two redshirts say, “Did that guy remind you of a shorter Sephiroth?” I clenched my kidney punching fist before I remembered that Sephiroth was from a game, not an anime. You win this time, mouthbreather.

“Come on, Dash. Time to get our drunk on.”

“Finally!” I think she was in a hurry to get away from the staring eyes that were constantly probing us. To be fair, I was as well. We started walking back to the elevator. Thankfully, the note included directions from the elevator from our room. Based on those, we were able to find it from where Rarity had taken us.

“I have a good feeling about this,” Dash said, looking at the large and bold entrance to the club.

“Strange… I have a bad one. Well, here’s hoping.”

“So what’s with the name, anyway? Cherry stem?”

I grinned. “It’s a human thing. A girl proves that she’s good with her tongue by tying a cherry stem in a knot with her mouth.”

“No buckin’ way.”

“Hey, maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll both find out. Now let’s get in there.”

I led the way to the door, where a bouncer was standing with his arms crossed. He had been staring at us since we got into sight, and I couldn’t tell if he was happy to see us or not. “You finally coming in?” he asked, not moving.

“I was planning on it,” I answered.

“Alright. But I’m warning you right now: You start any of the shit that happened at that carpet muncher bar, we’ll come down on you hard. You got that?”

“Don’t start trouble, got it. What if trouble finds me?”

“Then we’ll talk. And another warning: Watch out for the boss. She’s not what you’ll expect.”

That just deepened my bad feeling, but I nodded. “Thanks for the warnings.” He stepped out of the way, letting me and Dash inside.

My first impression of the place after stepping inside was… full. Not just in that there were a lot of people there, but the place felt right, like I was supposed to be there. Fulfilling, in a way. That should have been the second sign that I might be making a mistake.

“Yo Nav!” I looked over to where I was being called and saw Aaron with one of his squad mates. He waved us over. As I walked further inside, I noticed that Dash and I were getting a number of looks. Since that was to be expected, I paid them no mind. “I was hoping you’d come by,” he said in a more normal voice when we got close. “Sorry about the whole, you know, molesting you twice thing.”

“Water under the bridge, but I’m not saying alcohol won’t help me forget.”

“Good. Phil, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash, Phil.” He was introducing the two of them. “What do you two want?”

“White Russian and Skittles Vodka, if they have it,” I answered. Aaron rapped his knuckles on the bar and a tender walked over. When the order was relayed, the bartender wandered off to fill it. “Dash, you’re going to love this shit,” I said.

“You mentioned skittles earlier,” she said. “What are they?”

“Candy. I’m glad they’re still making it.”

“So am I,” Aaron answered. “So, anyone catch your eye yet?”

“Quite a few,” I said, finally sitting down on the stool next to him. “I got a nerd I gotta take care of before me, though. I told the intercom guy I’d get him laid. How hard will it be to find a girl to break in a virgin?”

He smirked. “Dude, you’ve never been to a club before, have you?”

“Not a human one.”

“Trust me, then: It won’t be a problem at all. As soon as he gets here, get him a drink to soothe his nerves and then do the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“Got it. If only he was into guys. I’d set him up with you.”

He shook his head. “Nah. Virgins are too clingy. If it was a chick, sure. But I don’t want a relationship with a guy that goes past the occasional fuck. By the by, since you haven’t been to a club before, you should probably know how things work. If you’re here looking to fuck, use a coaster, like Phil. It’s just a little signal that lets the guys and gals know you’re looking—or waiting. If you’re gay, use a yellow one. Straight, blue.” Phil was using a blue one. “If you’re just here to drink, no coaster needed. If you need to leave the bar for any reason and you can’t take your drink, put something over it. That’s the sign that you’ll be back.”

“Sounds easy enough,” I said, nodding. “Dash, you catch all that?” I saw that she was already fiddling around with a yellow coaster, waiting for her drink. She was also eyeing up the large number of people around us, many of which were surreptitiously looking our way. I bent in and whispered, “No offense, but you might want to make sure they know you’re a mare.”

“What?” she asked, flinching slightly. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“To me, yes. To them, maybe not. If you aren’t used to seeing ponies and horses, you can’t tell just by looking at them. You talking should be enough.” She hmphed at that. I was saved more explaining by the bartender dropping off our drinks. He didn’t know who to give what, I assume. I took the Russian and passed the vodka to her. “That stuff’ll be strong,” I warned her.

“Can’t be worse than the apple stuff you made.”

Aaron laughed at that. “You made applejack?”

Dash’s head jerked that way, almost making her spill her drink. “You know Applejack?”

“No, he doesn’t. Applejack is the name of the alcohol I made. It’s also AJ’s name. Confusing, I know. Now, a word of warning if you do decide to go off with a random barfly: Be careful. You’ll probably be fine. Try not to freak her out with that weird thing you ponies do.”

“…What weird thing?”

“With the winking and all.” She just rolled her eyes and tried her vodka. I reached around behind me to grab my drink on the bar, but found my hand in someone else’s. I turned around to find a very disturbing sight.

“Little angel, fallen to Earth…” The woman in front of me was decked out in black leather. “Wherefore has gone thy mirth?” She was wearing a microskirt with tight fishnet stockings all the way up. “Little angel, from the sky…” The corset she was probably wearing was pushing her generous bosom in a position that I quite enjoyed. “Come and seduce me with a lie…” Her ivory skin had a nearly pearlescent glow. “Little angel, I do see…” Her straight black hair, black lipstick, and dark eye shadow sharply contrasted with her skin. “That you quite desire me.” From her hand on mine, I could feel that her skin was silky smooth, never having seen a hard day’s work. “Little angel, I would love…” Her voice was seductive: Breathy and deep, a succubus’s whisper. “To dominate you like a dove.” And her eyes were ruby red, staring into my soul.

What. The. Fuck.

“Well, that is the best greeting that I have ever gotten,” I slowly said, trying to get control of myself. I have to admit that my first urge was to say ‘Yes please’ and go wherever she demanded, just to see what would happen. I got over that and instead shook the hand that I still held in mine before bringing it in for a kiss. “Charmed, mashiara.”

“Best for the offer, or best for the rhyme?” she asked, her voice losing its implied lust.

“Both. Usually my permission isn’t asked before the whips and chains are brought out. I suppose you already know my name. Could I have the honor of yours?”

“Rebecca. The offer stands, my wingéd love. What’ll it be? Do you desire a night of passion and lust unrivaled anywhere?”

I don’t know about that. “How long will you be here? I have a friend that’ll be coming by soon and I need to help him out. After that, we can talk.”

“Talk, talk, talk… My little angel, I want to scream. And I want to hear the moans an angel makes, fallen or not.”

“I can’t promise I’ll moan like an angel, but that won’t stop me from taking you to heaven.”

She smiled toothily and answered, “An offer I love to hear. I’ll be here all night, though it might not be me in charge. Just ask any bouncer to direct you to Elise, and you’ll find me there.”

Ooooh fuck. “Elise?”

She blinked and when her eyes opened, they were a dull green. She blinked three more times, going from green to blue to pink to red. “She’s the original, but tonight is mine.” She leaned in close, whispering, “And soon it’ll be ours.”

“I look forward to it. Until then.” With a brief nod of her head, she left our little group.

“Duuuude… You fucked up,” Aaron said, looking at me with pity. “Elise, sure. I think Rogers is celibate or something. Molly’s too young for that stuff. But Rebecca?” He shook his head sadly. “You’re stuck here, now. I don’t think the bouncers would let you leave, after agreeing.”

“They’d be hard pressed to stop me, especially if Dash is backing me up. But she seems reasonable enough, if somewhat dark.” I finally was able to get some of my white Russian down. “I think I can handle her.”

He shrugged, taking a shot of whatever he was drinking. “On you. I suggest a few more of those if you’re seriously going to consider it. I figured someone a little more loving would be right up your alley.”

“If I wanted loving, I would be with Fluttershy. I want down and dirty sex.”

“You’re in the right place.” I looked around to find that Phil had disappeared on us, leaving a blue coaster behind.

“What do you think, Dash?” I asked, looking over at her. She was presumably scoping targets out.

“I think I want to join you with her,” she said, looking some other chick up and down instead. “Hey, what’s with some mares wearing pants and some wearing dresses?”

“Skirts are easy access, if you know what I mean.” Based on her grin, I think she definitely knew. “If you’re looking to get laid, you’re probably going to have to be the one doing the approaching. Stick around as long as you want. I’ll probably hit up the dance floor eventually. These beats are… something else.”

“Oh shit, you aren’t jacked in!” Aaron said when he heard me. “No wonder you’re so calm.”

“…What?”

“Ugh. It’s an implant kinda thing. And if you had the contacts, you’d also be able to get some of the effects. Basically, it lets you feel the beat. Look at the dance floor.” I did, and noticed after a second or two that there was actually a rhythm in the movements. “If you have the right implants, you can ‘jack in’ to the music and the other cues. There are lights, smells, and sounds that you can’t even notice right now.”

“Well that certainly sucks. Ah well. C’est la vie.” I finished off my drink and felt an extremely strong kick in my head. “Holy…”

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, looking over to see me holding a palm against my temple. “Surely you aren’t already drunk.” I didn’t answer for a few seconds and he eventually came up with an answer on his own. “Ooooh fuck! Dude, I forgot that you can’t mix tranqs with alcohol! You are in for one wild night…”

“I’ve been through worse,” I sighed, setting the empty glass behind me. “Did I tell you about the time I got drugged in Canterlot?”

“Is now really a time for another story?”

“It’s short. I got drugged. I fucked everything. I remembered nothing. I had to walk back to my room because my wings were so full of gunk that I couldn’t fly.”

“Hot.”

I sighed, letting my hands fall. I popped my neck, trying to avoid the swirling daze the room was becoming. “This is going to be fun.”

I don’t feel like describing the next hour. I didn’t have any more alcohol and I slowly felt better as time went on. Around the half hour mark, Dash left with some slut. I didn’t even catch her name, I just knew Dash was getting laid. I hoped for her sake that the slut didn’t have any STDs.

I did a number of things that included dancing with and grinding on a number of chicks, passing on a few offers of sex, getting molested by a lot of people feeling up my wings, and a few other minor enjoyable things.

I was taking a short break at the bar when the tall and awkward Ryan showed up. “Where’s Rarity?” I asked as soon as I saw him alone.

“She decided to stay with the other two.” If my mind hadn’t been fucked sideways, I would have immediately went to go find her. As it was, the thought never occurred to me.

“Well, whatever.” I tapped my knuckles on the bar. “Whiskey and coke on the rocks, if you would,” I said to the bartender. He nodded and went off to get my order. Word probably got around that I was with Rebecca or Elise or whatever she was calling herself. Either that or Aaron was still buying. “We’re gonna get you laid, man.”

He gulped unsteadily. “That easy?” he nervously asked.

“That easy,” I confirmed. The bartender dropped off my request and I passed it to Ryan. “Down that. Small confidence booster.”

“Uh… I can’t… Well, I’m not supposed to…”

“Dude, it’s one drink.”

“Well, us system admins, we’re not supposed to ever get drunk.”

“You can’t get drunk off that tiny bit of alcohol. Drink it.” He sighed and lifted it up to his mouth. “I see what you’re about to do, and you’re going to do it wrong. Don’t sip it. Down that shit, fast and hard.” He licked his lips and sighed before doing as I ordered. As soon as he swallowed it, he set the glass down on the blue coaster I set out for him, choking and sputtering. “It’s a good burn, yeah? Alright, you ready?”

He nodded, still trying to stop coughing. I let him catch his breath and say, “Yeah,” before I hopped off the stool.

I looked around the room and called out, “Hey, who wants to break in a virgin?” I made sure to be loud enough to be heard over the music.

Ryan choked again as everyone looked our way. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

A small group of three chicks walked over, each wearing smiles. “We’d be interested,” the one up front said. “Who’s going to get the honor?”

“My friend here,” I said, waving an arm at Ryan. “Do be gentle.”

She licked her lips, looking him up and down. “I’ve heard things about the tall guys. We’ll break him in and he’ll love every second.” Her two friends each grabbed one of his arms and pulled him out of his seat. The leader grabbed a fistful of his shirt. Together, they dragged his surprised and stammering form away.

“That was easier than I thought,” I said to myself, sitting back down and turning around, about to order something else. I came face to face with Rebecca instead.

“I see you took care of your friend,” she said, her eyes flicking toward where he was being dragged into a small private room.

“I’m ready and waiting for your ministrations… mistress.” Stupid, probably. Fun, hopefully. Worth it? Well, let’s just say that there are limits to what I want to put in my journal.

I did learn a few things, though. One, that tongue piercings are awesome. Two, that she was a goth and had a thing for corruption, meaning my wings were dyed black. Three, the Cherry Stem was connected to the illegal club and Elise owned both.

And finally, I learned that it’s never a good idea to fall asleep handcuffed to a bed with someone that only gets control of their body every four days.

I woke up to a shrieking in my ears and tried jerking away, only to realize that I probably wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry. The nude and sexy bottom of Rebecca disappeared out the door before I realized what was happening. Fuck.

A few seconds later, she walked back in, talking to herself. I saw that her eyes were red again. “Sorry about that,” she said after a moment. “It’s Molly’s day today. I was hoping she would know better by now.” I grunted. “Yeah, yeah.” She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the keys and set about unlocking me. I removed the gag from my mouth as soon as I had the chance.

“That was certainly unique,” I said, working moisture back in my mouth.

She grinned and said, “I would offer to go again, but I think Molly’s getting impatient. She might demand a tea party if you’re still here when I let her take over.”

I quickly hopped out of bed and found my clothes. “I’ll get out of your hair quickly, then. Maybe if I’m still here in a few days, I’ll stop by again.”

“I’d definitely like that. Before you do go, would you like to meet the others?”

I debated it internally as I put my pants on. Finally, I said, “Well, it would be rude to not meet my hosts.”

“Well, you already know me. I’m around eighteen or so. Molly is eight or nine, I think—you better keep your pony friends away from her. Elise is in her middle twenties. She’s the original and it’s her body. Rogers is… Well, do you happen to know who Mister Rogers was?”

“Yeah. I loved that guy. Don’t tell me… Is he based off Mister Rogers?”

“He is. He and Molly tend to go off and do things together while I’m… entertaining guests. I’ll introduce you to him first.”

She blinked and her eyes opened blue. S/he looked down at himself and sighed. “I always tell her to be more careful around Molly.” His or her voice was much more even and calmer than it had been, though it had the same pitch. “Hello there, Navarone. I’m Mister Rogers, as she said. I handle the management and the finances of the club. It may not be what I’m used to, but if it makes people happy and it keeps the others satisfied, then I’m happy to help.”

“How close are you to the real Mister Rogers?”

“Very.”

“…Can I hug you?”

He opened his arms and I went in. “No homo,” I said as I hugged him.

“Mister Rogers has left the building,” Elise said, pulling back from the hug. “Or at least, the active part of it. I’m Elise.” Her eyes were a dull green. “I handle everyday life, when the others aren’t or can’t cover it.”

“What’s it like, sharing your body like this?”

“Well, I was terrified of it at first. I was one of the first people to try accepting the ‘disorder’ for the blessing it was and molding my mind around it. I kept thinking I was going to mess up and either get stuck with one of the more violent ones or murder all of them, but it ended up working out very well.”

“But what’s it like, I mean? Where do you go when you aren’t the active one?”

“We can watch, if we want. It’s always interesting to see what the others do with my body. And if I ever need to step in, all I have to do is ask them.” She walked over to a pink clothing drawer and pulled out some very girly clothes. “It’s different, but it means that I can have three other people working on a problem at once. I’m never lonely and I can always offer a fresh perspective on any kind of problems. If I was actually trained or built my mind around intelligence rather than personality, I could probably be one of the richest people on the planet. But… it’s Molly’s turn now. Can you put on a shirt?”

“Yeah.” I started pulling it on. “So you’re just okay with Rebecca using your body like that?”

She grinned. “Who’s saying I wasn’t watching—or helping?”

With a blink, her eyes changed to pink. “Hi! Sorry about screaming at you… That big meanie pranks me every time it’s my turn. At least this time we weren’t connected by anything. Oh yeah, I’m Molly! Where’s your pony?” Her voice was much higher, now.

“I don’t know, actually. I need to find them all.”

“Ooh, can I come?”

“…Uh. Ask Elise.”

One of her eyes went green while the other stayed pink. “Can I go with Navi?”

I shook my head slightly, trying to get Elise to say no. I really didn’t want a grown woman with the mind of a little girl following me around to fuck with my friends.

Elise seemed to have gotten the message, because she answered with her voice, “I’m afraid not. You know you have a play date with Hunter today.”

“Oh yeah!” The green eye went away and both became pink again. “Maybe we can play later?”

“Maybe, if I’m still around.” I could pawn her off on Rarity or something. “It was nice meeting you, Molly. Could you point me to the way out?”

She pointed behind me, where I saw a very large man with his arms crossed, ready to smack my shit in. “Right this way,” he said. I followed him through some halls, making no hostile moves. “Thank you for visiting and whatever,” he said, showing me out the door. For some reason, I got the feeling that her personal bodyguards didn’t like being woken up early in the morning by screams.

Thankfully, her room was located in the illegal part of the club, so I was shown the door to the black market area instead of the place I would be found and turned in for breaking curfew. Honestly, I had no idea what to do. Going back could mean my stuff would get taken away, while staying out for even longer could mean that my punishment would be worse if the damn spell didn’t wear off as fast as I was expecting.

I decided to give it a few hours, since I was lost anyway. I roamed around the black market, looking for the med bay. I was definitely regretting my lack of a shower and that I hadn’t been able to clean the dye off my wings.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance. When I finally went to ask for directions, I felt a pulling sensation. I looked around, trying to figure out who was trying to get my attention.

When I looked behind me, I came face to tentacle and went flying into a unicorn. I heard the screaming kick in again and knew that I was back in Equestria.

I picked myself off the pony I had been thrown into and reached into my bag. I pulled out the base of my rifle and started putting it together while the unicorns attempted to fend off the monster.

Oddly enough, right as I loaded the magazine in, the monster just completely stopped. “What’s going on?” Dash asked, looking at it.

“No clue,” I answered, casually aiming my gun at it. I wasn’t about to take chances, after all. I looked around to make sure all four of us were accounted for. I knew Dash was here. I saw Fancy Pants looking ready to charge the monster. I saw Rarity with saddlebags full of what looked like shitty comics. She was behind Fancy Pants, looking somewhat ready to charge.

“You know,” she said, looking at the tentacle monster, “that thing reminds me of one of the things those kind fellows showed me.”

Dash and I looked her way. “They… They showed you tentacle porn?” I asked. I was wishing I could go back to hurt them, at that point.

“Well, I was curious about hentai. They taught me quite a lot…”

“There are no words for my disappointment,” I sighed, shaking my head. I rolled my shoulders and looked at the monster. “So what do we do with this thing?” I asked aloud, hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

“It worked?” one of the unicorns asked, looking at us. “It worked! We sent them back in time!”

And just like that, the incident with the monster was seemingly forgotten. It was quickly ushered out by some guards as we were barraged with questions.

Of course, the fun ended prematurely when some royal guards showed up in the large summoning room. “Navarone, Prince Shining Armor requires your presence immediately.”

I slung the rifle over my shoulder and nodded. “Alright. Where’s he at?”

“We’ll lead you to him, sir,” the same guy said.

“Cool. I just need to grab something from the locker here and I’ll be good to go.” I walked over to the locked chest and took my ring out of it. “Alright, lead the way.” The guards walked past me to the entrance hall of the giant floating rock. “Dash, feel free to go home without me. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“You got it. But… what happened to your wings, man?”

I grinned. “Rebecca.” She just shook her head as I followed the guards.

It was quite a long walk to the castle, and most of it was in silence. “So how did you guys even know where I was?” I eventually asked.

“The guards we have stationed at the gate informed us you were going toward the tower.”

I shrugged, taking that as an acceptable answer. The walk of silence continued. I got a few strange looks for my wings, but for the most part, I was ignored. It was a nice contrast. I think I preferred being home, but constantly getting stared at was annoying as hell.

When we finally got to the palace, they led me to Shiny’s office. As soon as they knocked on his door and announced me, I was immediately ushered in. “Sit, N—Sweet Celestia, what happened to your wings?!”

“A night of awesome sex.” I sat down in the chair in front of his desk, setting the bags I had been carrying next to me. “That’s a story for another time, if you really care. What do you need?”

He sighed, looking down at his desk. “To apologize, first off. Sulking off after the games was unbecoming of anypony, let alone the captain of the guard and a prince.”

“Chill, man. I know how it is. Now that you got your panties unwadded, I can start teaching you how to fight a real war.”

“What? Nav, nothing you did in those games was anything approaching something that I would expect to see in a ‘real war.’”

“Yeah, and that’s why you lost. If you wouldn’t expect it, what makes you think anyone else would? I mean, if you don’t want to learn, I’m okay with letting the night guards win every war game in the future. Just have fun taking heavy losses in any actual war that crops up between you and anyone else.”

He sighed. “Very well. But it can be later. I have other news. Princess Luna and her night guard found and eradicated the den of assassins that were going after Cadance and Skyla. Can she stay in your fortress for another month or two while we make absolutely sure that all loose ends are tied up?”

I sighed. “Another few months of a crying baby that despises me and wants to make my life hell? And Skyla too? Come on, man.”

“It’ll feel like just a few days, Nav. Please?”

I rolled my eyes. “Have them gone before fall ends. Hell, what happened to going to that little place Celestia was giving you as a fief?”

“Postponed until this disaster is dealt with. Honestly, I don’t think either of us really wants to go, but it’s what Celestia wants.”

“You should tell her to fuck off. That’s what I would do.”

“Not everypony is as suicidal as you are, Nav.”

“Their loss. Is there anything else you need? I want to get back before Luna wakes up or Celestia learns that I’m here.”

“I don’t know why you want to keep avoiding them. Well, actually I can understand why you want to avoid Princess Luna. She was rather displeased with me after the war games.”

“That’s what you get. I’m heading home, then. You got any messages for Lovebutt?”

“Just my love.”

I stood up, grabbing my bags. “I’ll make sure to give her a kiss for you, then.” He snorted as I opened the door and ran right into a familiar night guard that was about to knock. “What do you need, Smiles?” I asked as I stepped into the hall.

“Princess Luna wants to see you,” he said.

I started walking aimlessly down the hall, trying to get away from Shiny’s door and the guards on it. When we were far enough away, I stopped and said, “I will give you the best kiss you’ve ever had in your life if you tell her that you were too late to find me.”

“I dunno, Nav… I could lose my job for that.”

“If she fires you, I’ll hire you. I need a security guard and a house sitter.”

He looked up and down the hall nervously. Finally, he said, “Deal.”

I knelt down and brought a hand behind his head, pulling him in. I then proceeded to use all the combined skills I had gained from numerous lovers to give him the best make-out session of his life. When I finally pulled away, I saw that he was standing at full mast, ready for some action.

“Now, I need to go,” I said, standing up. “Remember, you were too late to find me.”

“…Right,” he sighed, his eyes still closed.

I started sprinting down the hall looking for an open window, my bags and shit bouncing around me. I jumped out the first one I found and started the long flight home.

Chapter Seventy-Seven—I get the weirdest guests

Chapter Seventy-Seven—I get the weirdest guests

I landed in front of my house, stretching my wings. That had been the most exercise they had gotten in a while, and they were still reeling from the abuse they had taken from the night before. It was weird, having lost a week like that. Equestria lost no time while I had been gone for a week. If it had been a year or something, I would be a lot happier to be home.

Anyway, I stepped inside my home, setting my bags down on the couch to stop them from digging into my shoulders. I pulled the magazine out of the rifle and set it down as well. I never chambered a round, so I didn’t bother popping it.

With my back relieved, I walked into the kitchen to grab a nice beverage. I didn’t know where anyone was or if they were home, so I wasn’t really all that surprised to find Cadance and Doppel in the kitchen. They were staring at each other.

I knew nothing good could come from interrupting them, so I just walked to the fridge to look for something. I grabbed something worth drinking and turned around to find both of them staring at me. I turned around and started walking back to the living room.

“What did you do to your wings?” Cadance asked.

“Found a chick with a fetish,” I answered, stopping and turning back around. “Shiny sends his love, or something.”

“So he finally spoke to you?”

“Yep. You need something?”

“We need a stallion’s opinion on something.”

I turned around and waved. “See ya.” I walked on out to get my stuff.

They followed me, of course. “Come on, Nav!” Doppel said. “I know you’re not a stallion, but you can still help.”

“Look, I know there’s no way I can come out of this without getting in trouble. Just give me a break.”

They both rolled their eyes. “Which race is prettiest on average?” Cadance asked. “The females, of course.”

I sighed, plopping down on my chair. “Any race?”

“Except for humans, because we all know who you’d pick,” Doppel said.

“Cats,” I answered, taking another sip. “Dragons have the big problem of growing up. Ponies are alright and their flanks are awesome, but they have the problem of being animals where I come from. Changelings are freaky as fuck, but they have the nice corruption fetish thing going on for them. And Chrysalis’s voice is too sexy to turn down, so there’s that. I don’t really have any interest in dogs, personally. Their voices are annoying and most of them are more cruel than I’d like to deal with. I’ve only seen a single minotaur in real life, but I never spoke with him. All of the other herbivorous races have the same problem as ponies. Naga are ugly as fuck. Griffins have a lot of natural beauty, but the talons are cause for concern. Cats look relatively close to humans, they’re smaller than I am, most of them are close to my personality, they’re graceful, and they have a number of other good qualities. I don’t like the claws, though. What’s this even for, anyway?”

“Miss Equestria,” Cadance answered. “As it turns out, one of the entries this year was a changeling. I think she should have been disqualified automatically. Doppel thinks she should have been allowed to stay if she used her natural body. That got us thinking about having some kind of… world-wide contest or something like that.”

“Oh, a Miss Universe pageant. Those are boring as fuck, but they always cause a ton of scandals that are funny to watch.”

“You have something like that in your world?” Doppel asked.

“Yep. Don’t ask why.”

“But… I thought there was only one sentient race on your world?” Cadance asked.

I ignored that question. “Shouldn’t be that hard to get Celestia to set something up. Just tell her that it’s for better relations or something around the world. And I want nothing at all to do with it.” Though I suppose their answers would have to be better than “world peace,” since the world was already at peace. “Hey, either of you know where Taya or the naga is?”

“The backyard,” Doppel answered. “How does the contest work in your world?”

“I don’t know. I told you, it was boring. I didn’t care about it. Now, I got some important stuff to do. If Taya needs me, I’ll be in my office. If anyone else needs me, use polite words to tell them to fuck off. That includes Celestia and Luna.”

“What’s so important?” Cadance asked. “Is it something about these bags?” She poked at one of them.

“It’s neither important nor your business.” I hopped up and walked over to the couch, slinging the bags and the rifle back over my shoulders.

“What is that thing, anyway?” Doppel asked, pointing to my rifle.

“A new toy of mine. I’ll see you two later.” I walked on up the stairs, leaving them presumably sharing looks and shrugging behind me. I locked myself in my office and sat at my chair. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before whispering, “Flo? I think we need to have a talk.”

“We do,” she confirmed, finally breaking her silence.

“I think you know the obvious point I want to make,” I said, feeling my hands clench.

“Navarone, I am a young elemental. I was created not long before the war. Not all of our history was given to me. I didn’t know, Nav!”

“You ‘don’t know’ that you’re a fucking robot? That you’re nothing more than a mass of machines built for some undetermined purpose? I don’t know how you expect me to believe that.”

“It’s true, Nav. I… I don’t know about any of the others, if they know. I just know that I didn’t! Please don’t make me leave, Nav… Don’t leave me alone in the darkness again…”

I don’t like being misled and I don’t like being lied to. I could deal with whether or not she was telling the truth later, though. If she was a human artifact, it was my duty to break her and the others free. And if any of them did remember, then as soon as I saved them, they would definitely be in my service.

I reached down into one of the bags next to me and pulled out the laptop. I opened it up, turned it on, reached down into another bag, pulled out the gene-locked seed box, opened it, and stuck the memory stick from it into what I was hoping was the right port on the laptop.

I spent three hours copying all the instructions that weren’t common sense for all of the plants I was about to give to Applejack. It was tedious, boring, and would hopefully pay off. When I finally finished it, I realized that I could have been listening to music that entire time. I opened some good stuff and started playing it.

That done, I opened the rifle specifications page and copied out all the details about the bullets and the magazines. I was going to give the page to the blacksmith in the hopes that he could make something fine enough to work so I wouldn’t have to mold my bolts to work.

And finally, I wrote a short letter to one Vinyl Scratch, asking her to bring herself and Octavia to my new home, under the incentive of making some serious fucking bank. When I had that done, I shut the laptop down and locked it in my desk. I grabbed the letter, the box of seeds, the instructions, the specs page, and a single bullet and walked out of my office, locking the door behind me.

“This is going to bring attention to yourself, Nav,” Flo said. “No matter how careful you are, Celestia is going to find out eventually.”

“I know,” I answered as I left the house. “But as long as I’m careful and don’t make too many mistakes, by the time she finds out, it will be too late.”

“Daddy, who are you talking to?” Taya asked from her position on top of the wall where I couldn’t have seen her. The puppy was sitting right next to the wall where she was, so I should have expected it.

“The voice in my head. You want to go on a walk?” She teleported next to me and the puppy bounded over. “Let’s go, then.”

“What don’t you want who to find out?” she asked as we started walking to Applejack’s pad.

“I don’t want Celestia to know that I went back to Earth and got some things that she doesn’t need to know about.”

“…Huh.”

“What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know. Something about me, I guess.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, there is a lot of stuff I don’t want you to know about either.”

“Like the voices in your head?”

“Yes. Anyway, don’t tell anyone at all that I got back to Earth. Hopefully, none of the fuckers that went with me will say anything.”

“So… what happened to your wings?”

“I thought it would look cool.” I’m not about to tell my daughter I found a sexy bitch that wanted to play with me. “The dye will hopefully run off soon.” Which reminded me that I really needed a shower.

“It doesn’t really look cool at all,” she said, looking up at them.

“Well yeah, I know that now. I didn’t know it before. Not important, though.” We walked in silence for a minute or two before I asked, “What do you normally do for fun, Taya?”

“Uh… Read? And magic. The naga is teaching me all kinds of survival stuff. I also go on walks.”

“That’s really depressing. But I guess if that’s working for you, it’s working. Are you sure you don’t want to go to school?”

“Yes.” I let the silence build, wondering if she would slowly crack. When we were almost there, she said, “Well… It does get kinda boring sometimes.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, I don’t think I really want to go to school or anything… but something else to do would be nice.”

“You should take up gardening.”

“…Why gardening?”

I shrugged. “We have a large, empty yard. Might as well fill it with pretty flowers. You see Applejack anywhere?”

We took a second to look around before deciding that we didn’t see her around the immediate area of the farmhouse. “So how do I get started on… gardening?” she asked as we walked to the door.

“I have no clue. We can stop by Rose’s shop or something when we go into town.” She’s jumpy, but she’s good at gardening. I knocked on the door and waited a minute. When there was no answer, I shrugged and started walking away.

Taya jumped to follow me. “Where are we going now?”

“Into town, of course. I need to talk to Applejack, I need to stop at the post office, I need to stop by the blacksmith’s place, and you need to visit Rose or one of the other sisters.” Not everyone in town was overly happy that I had a timber wolf pet, but they got over their jumpiness as soon as they realized he wasn’t going to attack anyone.

“So what’s in the bag?”

“Stuff I need to give AJ.”

“Oh… Did you get anything for me?”

“I got a lot more books, some music, some pens, and a few other things you might like. I couldn’t think of anything you’d want specifically for yourself, though.” Well, less that I couldn’t think of anything and more that I didn’t think about getting her anything at all. She didn’t need to know that, though.

“What’s a pen?”

“A very convenient version of a quill that doesn’t require constantly redipping the point in ink. Long story short, it’s something that will make me richer when I sell the idea. Hell, I have a lot of things on the laptop that’ll make me a load of dosh.”

“…Laptop?”

“I can show you later. It’s impossible to explain without letting you see it. Needless to say, no one needs to know about it. Especially not Twilight.”

“Okay, daddy.”

As we were nearing town, Rainbow Dash landed right next to me. “Nav, we might have a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“The kind of problem where Rarity doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut. She’s telling all the rich ponies in Canterlot about that anime stuff you kept talking about.”

“Son of a bitch. Is it too late to do damage control?”

She sighed, looking behind her to the mountain with Canterlot on it. “It took me a little while to find you. She started as soon as we got back into town. It might not get to the princess, but what do we do if it does?”

“We do nothing. This is my fault. If there’s fallout, it’ll hit me and me alone. Hopefully the social elite of Canterlot will side with Fancy Pants rather than Rarity, and this shit will die off instead of flourish. If it doesn’t… Maybe we can pass it off as something that I told her about instead of something that came from Earth.”

“Nav, she had a set of saddlebags full of books of that stuff. I don’t think most of those books featured ponies.”

I sighed, rubbing my face with a hand. “I can make it work. Who knows? Maybe we’re just overreacting.” I knew we weren’t, but a guy can hope. “Did you happen to see Applejack on the way in?”

She pawed at the ground, looking down. “Nav, are you sure you want to just risk this? Shouldn’t we try and stop her?”

“Dash, it’s too late. We could try to do damage control, but it would be like pissing on a forest fire. Rarity is infinitely more popular than we are, and if someone like you or me went there and told everyone to ignore her, they’d probably do what she’s doing just to spite us. We’ll have to rely on Fancy Pants and common sense to save the day.”

“So this is going to spread,” she sighed.

“Like the plague,” I confirmed. “Again, have you seen Applejack?”

“At the market,” she answered. “If we aren’t going to bother with Rarity, I’m going to go pay Pinkie a visit…”

I gave her a filthy grin. “Have fun.”

She blushed and flew off.

“What was that about?” Taya asked.

“Rarity being a stupid fucking bitch,” I answered. “So no different than normal.” I reached into one of my pockets and pulled out my coin pouch, removing a few bits. “Go on to the flower shop. You’ll be bored if you have to listen to me talk business with AJ.”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, I suppose I can give it a try…” she finally said, using magic to take the bits. “I’ll see you later, daddy.”

I knelt down to hug her before walking to the blacksmith, since it was closer. Derpy bumped into me on the way there and I gave her the letter for Vinyl. Thankfully, the blacksmith said he was able to make the bullets I would need, though he said he’d have to pass the specifications for the magazines to a friend of his that did more fine stuff.

Finally, I got to the market. I found Applejack at her stall, waiting for customers. I hmm’d at that, thinking of something as I walked over. “Hey AJ, you got a few minutes to talk?” I asked.

“I reckon I do,” she said. “Business is slow.”

“Before we get started, I need your word that this is going to stay a secret.”

She shrugged. “Easy enough, though I don’t see what the big deal is. You have my word.” I reached into my bag and pulled the finely crafted box out. She blinked when she saw it. “Well I ain’t never seen nothing like that before.”

“I’d be surprised if you had. This here is a gene-locked box, made by and for humans. How I got it is not important. In this box are seeds of plants from my world, seeds to remake the world in the event of a disaster. Almost every kind of fruit, vegetable, grain, and everything else you can imagine is represented inside. Instructions for growing those that aren’t common sense are also in here. I’m giving these to you because I know you can handle this. You’re smart and have enough common sense to keep your mouth shut. The things in this box can get you enough money to quadruple the size of your farm and hire all the workers you want, if you so desire. I’m asking you right now: Are you interested?”

She definitely looked interested, if the way she was staring at the box was any indication. “What’s the catch?” she asked after about half a minute of deliberations. “I know how you work by now, Nav. You’re generous, but you always have an angle.”

“And that’s exactly why I want you to do this. The catch is that I get some of the crops when I need them. Coffee, food, stuff like that. I won’t ask enough to do any real damage to your sales. I just know that you have a green thumb that I can take advantage of, and this way everyone gets to benefit.”

“…Let me see the seeds.”

I pushed my thumb against the locking mechanism and the box clicked open, revealing the seeds inside. “I also don’t know how they’ll react in the atmosphere,” I said. “What I said was the best case scenario. It’s possible they’ll wither and die. It’s possible they’ll bloom like nothing you’ve ever seen. I would love to find out.”

She was looking in at the seeds. “This is… a mighty interestin’ proposal, Nav. Why can’t I tell nopony?”

“Because as I said, you know how not to ask questions. Anyone else would ask more questions than I’d want to answer.”

She sighed, adjusting her hat with her hoof. “I have to ask just one, then: Did ya do anything illegal to get them?”

“Nope. I bought them fair and square.” Well, as far as I was concerned it was legal, or at least it should have been. Though I suppose since we had to go to the black market to get them, it might have been illegal to someone.

“Well… Alright. I’ll see what I can do, Nav. I’ll have to break the stand down now if I want to… Hm. Are any of these winter crops?”

I shrugged. “I wasn’t paying attention as I wrote the instructions. It’s all in them, though. I also relabeled all the seeds in Equestrian.”

“Then I reckon I should go get started on reading. Thanks for this, Nav. Hope I don’t let you down.”

“If you can’t get them to grow, no real loss. I got the entire crate for a bit. You got a place to store all the seeds? The box is useless to you, but it’s gene-locked to me, so I can still get some use out of it.”

“There’s room in the stall. What’s a… gene-lock?”

I helped her empty the box as I said, “Genes are what make up every living organism. They’re our building blocks, the things that make us who we are, instead of something else. It’s hard to explain without going further into biology.”

“It sounds interesting, but I never much was one for that fancy learning. Just ain’t practical, you know?”

“Well that right there depends on what you consider practical.” I closed the box with a snap. “If you had the biology background to start crossbreeding apples, you might make a new species or something that’s worth eating. But I suppose with your good friend Nav looking out for you, that won’t be as much of a problem.”

“It does seem an awful lot like cheating…”

“It isn’t.” I slid the box off the stall and into my bag. “Good luck, Applejack. I believe in you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. I’ll try my best.”

“That’s all I can ask.” And with that, I was on my way back home, the puppy merrily following behind me. I still hadn’t thought of a name for that damn thing. I was still hoping his pack would be coming for him soon.

“They said it would be a while,” Flo told me. “You really should get used to him, Nav. And he’ll definitely prove to be useful as a guard, if his growth rate stays constant.” He had nearly doubled in size since I had found him. I was assuming the fighters were supposed to be fast growing and quick to mature, so they can easily replace losses when going after the larger prey.

“How about Joe?”

“You aren’t going to name your timberwolf Joe, Nav.”

“What’s wrong with Joe?” I had a feeling she would be giving me a glare if I could see her. “Fine. What about Hopper?”

“While I appreciate the reference, I don’t think it fits.”

“Balto?”

“Some originality would be nice, Nav.”

“Yeah, and ‘originality’ is what led to calling myself Navarone. What’s wrong with reusing names?”

“Navarone is hardly original. Now shush, we’re being followed.”

Yeah, by a puppy. “Fuck it, your name is Freki now. Congratulations, Freki.”

And then there was Pinkie. “Oooh, you finally named him? You know what this calls for?”

“Me going back home and you going about your day in a way that doesn’t involve me?”

“So… you’re saying you want to host the party?”

“I think Rainbow Dash was looking for you, Pinkie.”

“Oh, I know. But she smelled a lot like you and that’s when I remembered that I hadn’t seen you in nearly a week and then I set her up and went to find you and here you are and why are your feathers black?”

“Pinkie, I saw you just yesterday.” Well, as far as she knew.

She looked at me doubtfully and answered, “If you say so. So what happened to your wings?”

“Necrosis. It can only be cured by taking a shower within the next twenty minutes. I should hurry. Have fun with Dash.”

“But what about your party?”

“I would rather you didn’t go through all that trouble just for me. There are plenty of people out there that are more deserving.”

“But fewer that need a smile more!”

“What if your parties don’t make me smile?”

“Then I need to keep trying different themes until I find one that does! I’ve already marked off a good number of them, but I have even more left to go!”

“Look, I don’t want a party. You know me better than that by now, Pinkie. You need to look over there, because it’s a distraction.” I was pointing back the way we came.

As soon as I said it, she jerked her head that way and said, “Ooooh, what is it?”

I grabbed the wolf, spread my wings, and took off into the air. I sighed in relief when I landed in front of my house with no sign of Pinkie. After letting Freki jump down—to his reluctance—I opened the door to find Pinkie again.

“So your place or mine?” she asked. “We gotta have this party somewhere!”

“Tell you what, I’ll give you a one in ten chance.” I put both hands behind my back and held up a few fingers. “Guess the number of fingers held up and I’ll play your game.”

“How many guesses do I get?”

“One.”

She put a hoof to her chin, thinking hard. “Is it… four?” I pulled my hands forward to reveal five fingers held up. “…Did you cheat?”

“Of course not. Now run along, Pinkie. Unless you know anything about gardening, that is.”

“I know all about flour! But… well, nothing about flowers. Why not baking instead?”

“Because Taya has Cadance to teach her to do that. All I know about gardening is that you dig a hole and put a plant in it. Now why am I standing outside the door for this? And why are you still here? Shoo! I have things to do.”

“Like what?”

“Like taking a shower.”

“Need somepony to wash your back?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” I finally pushed past her into my house. “Why don’t you go Pinkie somewhere else? I heard Diamond Tiara and that silver bitch are always grumpy. Put a smile on their faces, or something.”

“I’m not allowed to see them anymore… The restraining order is pretty lenient, but I can’t risk it.”

“So what you’re saying is that I should hang around those two?”

“Psh, no! Don’t be silly! Then you wouldn’t be able to be around your best friend Pinkie!”

“…Not seeing any downsides here.”

“You’d also have to deal with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”

“Hm… Well, I’ll think about it. Anyway, out you go. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” She sighed morosely and hung her head, slowly walking out. I casually slammed the door as soon as I could, right about the time she would be looking back to give me puppy dog eyes.

I turned back around to find Doppel in her maid uniform giving me a dirty grin. “Want me to help you wash your back, master?”

“Nah. I have stuff to do, or I would. Also, please don’t go into my office for a little while. I have some stuff in there that I don’t want fucked with.”

“Yes sir.” I was relying on trust, at this point. She said she preferred me to Chrysalis. I don’t know if that was true, but I was hoping; I didn’t want either Chrysalis or Celestia to know about the information I had on me until I was ready to deal with them both. The schematics on that laptop could revolutionize the entire planet—and if used improperly, they could drown the world in fire. Again, apparently.

I finally got upstairs and headed to my room when I got stopped yet again, this time by the resident pink menace. “Nav, can you watch Skyla tomorrow?”

“Nope.” I just kept walking, because I knew this wasn’t going to end well.

“Why not?”

“You know full well how I feel about that devil spawn. Get Pinkie to do it.”

“Why not Doppel?”

I turned back to her, an incredulous look on my face. “Are you high? Do you really want a changeling to look after your foal, of all things?”

She shrugged. “Fine, fine. I thought you didn’t like Pinkie.”

“I don’t. But that doesn’t mean she’s not good with kids. I know I’ll probably regret getting the two of them together since both like to make me suffer, but that’s probably the best solution for you. Now, I need a shower. Unless you feel like helping me, we’ll have to cut this short.”

“Okay then. Do you know where I could find Pinkie?”

“She left just a minute or two ago. You might be able to catch her if you hurry.”

“Thanks, Nav.”

Finally, I was clear to take a shower. I was fully expecting the naga to be waiting in my room for something or another, but for once, I was wrong. I finally got to take a shower and get that black dye off my wings. It felt good to see the right color in my peripheral whenever I turned my head again. It was also nice to hopefully not get a ton of people asking about what I did to my wings.

When I got back downstairs, I found Taya and Cadance talking about gardening. Taya looked over to me. “It doesn’t seem that interesting,” she said, poking at a tray of flowers on the floor.

“I never said you had to do it,” I said with a shrug. “It was merely a suggestion. You have them now, though. Why not plant them, see what happens?”

“I can even help!” Cadance said, smiling. Both of us gave her a look that translated to Bitch please.

Taya turned back to me. “Where should I plant them?”

“Outside. I don’t know a thing about gardening. Didn’t Rose tell you?” She looked away and mumbled something. “…Did you ask?” She whispered something. “Did you even talk to any of the sisters?” She silently shook her head. Shoulda saw that one coming. “You know, I was like that once. Shy. Not a fan of social contact. It took coming here to bring me out of that, and even then I still fall into old habits sometimes… I get that it’s in your nature, something that you can’t just turn off. But you have to learn to get over it when you need something. You have three days to make a friend that I’ve never seen you with before I talk to Cheerilee and put you in school.” Her head jerked toward me, shock etched onto her face. “It’s for your own good. I think I’ll start counting time after you finish planting these with Cadance.”

“But… What about my magic?”

“What about it? Twilight learned well enough while in school. I trust you can manage.” I didn’t mention that Twilight was in a special magic school.

“That’s not fair!”

“Life seldom is. That said, I don’t see how it isn’t fair. Making friends is not that hard, and since you have three days, you should have plenty of time to ask anyone to help you. I believe Pinkie will be here tomorrow?” I looked to Cadance for confirmation. She was smiling brightly at this turn of events, and answered my question with a nod. I looked back to Taya. “I’m sure if you ask her, she’ll tell you all about making friends and offer to introduce you to anyone in the town you might be interested in meeting.”

Taya looked like she was on the edge of tears. I didn’t like doing something like that to her, but I knew she needed to learn to deal with other people in at least some capacity.

I knew I couldn’t just leave her like that, though. “If I thought you couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t be telling you to,” I said. I opened my mouth to say something before I realized what I was about to say. You’ll thank me for this someday. I closed my mouth, remembering exactly how I felt every time anyone ever said that to me. Instead I said, “Cadance, I trust you can help her with the flowers and getting started?”

“Of course, Nav.” Her horn lit up and the tray of flowers lifted up. “Come on, Taya. Let me show you how to make a pretty garden!”

Taya mutely followed her, probably still in shock. Her entire body was hanging low, her distress and fear apparent. I wanted to just reach down and hug her, but I knew that would defeat the purpose of my ‘punishment.’ Well, it might.

So lacking the option to do anything with Taya, I went to find the naga. I didn’t want to get rusty from a week of no swordplay, after all.

The next day, I grabbed my laptop, the charger, the gun, and a few magazines and abandoned the house, considering it a lost cause all day. I knew that if Pinkie was going to be there watching Skyla, I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. I also didn’t trust my laptop alone in a building with Pinkie, though I’m pretty sure if she was really that interested, it wouldn’t be safe anywhere.

I also had to avoid Rarity, because I knew that if I saw her, I would probably shoot her.

And I did have something important to do anyway. With my laptop came a few of the pens I brought with me from Earth-that-was. There was a fellow called Filthy Rich in Ponyville that was looking for stuff like this to sell, and I knew he would pay a pretty penny for the idea.

I flew over to his larger than average house, hoping he was home and that I wouldn’t have to spend hours hunting for him. It was still fairly early in the morning, so I figured I could catch him.

I landed in front of the house and knocked a few times, settling in to wait. Half a minute later his filly answered the door. Remember Diamond Tiara? One of the reasons she’s such a bitch is that her dad is rich and spends next to no time with her, or so I assume. From what I’ve seen, he tries to be a good father, but then who am I to judge?

“Can I… help you, Sir Navarone?” she asked, curiosity hidden in her voice despite her efforts to block it. There were a few reasons she made attempts to be nice to me. I’m rich, a knight, and the only thing that stopped me from being as powerful as her dad was lack of interest.

“Your dad in?” I asked.

“He’s eating.”

I shrugged and said, “I can just come back later.”

“He probably won’t mind!” Overeager much? “I’ll go ask him.” Before I could tell her not to, she was already gone.

“Now why can’t she act like that for anyone else?” Flo asked, swirling about in my brain.

No one else is interesting enough, I suppose.

I saw Filthy coming to the door. “I assume this is important, Sir Navarone?”

I grinned. “We talked about this, Richie.” He keeps calling me Sir, I start calling him Richie. Seems fair to me. He met my grin with his own. “Sorry to bother you so early. Just a simple business innovation. Should be enough to make you some nice money, if you’re interested. The usual arrangements, of course.” Namely, that I got a cut of the profits while my name was on no official documentation.

He pursed his lips, looking behind him. “This won’t take long, will it?” he asked a moment later.

I pulled a pen out of my pocket. “It’s a simple invention, easy to explain.” I twirled the pen around. “I can probably get out of here in ten minutes or so.”

He sighed. “You know the way to my office. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Whoa now, if I’m interrupting something, I can just come back. I know you don’t get much time to yourself.”

“No, I’m going to start this week off right. Hopefully that will include adding your latest innovation to the list of things I put out. Head on up. I’ll be there soon, as I said.”

“Alright…” He let me in and I walked up to his office, ignoring the trappings of success dotted about the opulent house. He wasn’t the only one that wanted this done quickly.

After a few minutes of sitting around and twirling the pen, he finally came to his office area. “Before we start, can I get you anything?” he asked, sounding extremely tired.

“I’m fine. Kinda wanna get out of your hair quickly.”

“At least some ponies still know the art of dealing with things quickly.” He took his seat on the other side of the desk. “So what do you have today, Nav?”

I pulled out a few of the pens. “Self-contained quills. All the ink is inside, locked where it can’t dry out.” I passed one across the table. “Pull the cap off and test it.” He somehow pulled the cap off the pen with his hooves, since apparently that makes sense. He looked the tip over for a second before shrugging and pulling some paper out of his desk.

He doodled something to find that the pen worked just as it was supposed to. “I trust you already have the specifications and requirements written out?” he asked, writing something on the paper. I pulled the pages out of my laptop bag and set them on the desk. “How long should it take to make these?”

“Depends on what you make them out of and the quality, of course. The ones I have are made of plastic and metal. I imagine you’ll use wood and maybe metal. I’m sure you’ll figure something out. I put on the specs how to make the clicker pens as well, if you’re interested in that and can make springs easily. I imagine if you give this to a craftsman, they can have a working copy in less than an hour. After they get the first few copies down, the rest should come easily. Make them refillable or disposable, up to you. Just remember that I want my cut.”

“Of course, though I still don’t understand why you don’t want your name anywhere on these inventions. Anypony can see they’re from you. Why not confirm it?”

“Assumptions aren’t the same as the truth. Anyway, you interested?”

“Very. I’ll see that these get put into production soon. Do you need anything else?”

“Two things. First, the name and address of someone I can get in contact with outside of Equestria that can get something big off the ground for me. And I don’t mean big as in life changing, I mean big as in era changing. Second, I need you to take the week off because you look like shit, man.”

He sighed, looking at the desk. It took me a second to realize he was looking at what he had unconsciously drawn. “That would… be nice. It isn’t easy to keep a business running if I take time off willy-nilly, though.”

“Dude, you’re fucking rich, and you own the most successful store in Ponyville. You can take some time off and not have to worry about things. I’m sure your family would appreciate it.” I waved a hand. “But anyway. You have any contacts for me?”

He shook his head. “I don’t. All of mine are in Equestria. I can put the word out that you’re looking, but it’ll attract attention.”

“Then don’t worry about it. Attention is the exact opposite of what I want. I have an idea of what I can do anyway. Thanks for your time, man.”

“No problem, Nav.” He showed me out, letting the tiredness slow his movements. I saw his daughter peeking at us from a corner as I stepped out the door. I wasted no time getting away from his house, since I didn’t particularly want to be seen leaving it.

I still had a few plans for shit to do, but most of them would have to wait a few days. Lacking anything else to do immediately, I flew over to Fluttershy’s house and stole a cloud that was looming over it. I didn’t want to bother her, but I did like listening to her sing. She refused to do it when anyone could hear, but when it was just her animals around, she didn’t have any problems.

When I got into position over her house, I didn’t hear singing. I heard what sounded like… screaming, actually. I quickly loaded my rifle and got ready to eat some bunny stew, but I stopped myself from overreacting. I swooped down and poked my head in the window and saw Fluttershy frantically flying around with a bunch of animals that were itching and scratching themselves.

…Fleas? I knew that nothing good could come from offering to help, though I found myself wanting to do so anyway.

I managed to stop myself and instead flew away to find a better place to chill. Yeah, I’m a bad person, I know.

When I finally got to a comfortable and private place to sit for a while, I opened up the laptop and started looking around to see what exactly it had on it. I knew there was a lot of information, but I didn’t know just how far it went.

As it turns out, it went extremely far. Apparently Google was expecting humanity to have to reinvent the fucking wheel, and schematics for just about everything under the sun were on this thing.

If I gave this information to Celestia or Chrysalis, I could break the world… And remake it in whatever image I desire. What to do, what to do…

“Nav, it wouldn’t be smart to give anyone this knowledge,” Flo told me.

“I’m not thinking about the ponies or the changelings,” I answered, looking over more information.

“I know what you’re thinking, Nav. Giving it to the cats would be an interesting move, but you don’t even know their capabilities. They probably have no industry at all. The griffins might be a suitable choice.”

“They’re too close. Inventions start pouring out of there and Celestia will ask some questions. I don’t know much about the minotaurs or the dogs…”

“You know enough about the minotaurs to know that they don’t have much power or many people. The dogs… are an unknown.” There wasn’t even any information about them in Twilight’s library. “There’s the option of not giving this to anyone. Assuming you make good on your promise, humanity will need to have something to offer to the world to keep from being overrun immediately.”

“That is what the elementals are for. I have a decidedly more… selfish reasoning behind wanting to help you now. You are robots presumably created by humanity for some reason or another. If you’re robots, you can be repurposed. I’m sure the role of protectors wouldn’t be too much for you and your kin.”

“…I don’t think many of us would like to be slaves, Navarone.”

“And you wouldn’t be. As I said, you’d be protectors. When the time comes that humans don’t need protecting anymore, I’m sure you’ll be free.”

“You’re a fool if you believe that. And you’re even more of a fool if you don’t think they would do the same to you. I imagine that some of us could be convinced to help humanity get off its feet, but not all of us.”

“Then I rather sorely hope they have ways of protecting themselves, or that I can keep them hidden long enough. The good news is that they probably won’t be killed no matter what happens. But there are worse fates than death, as I well know.” We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke again. “But that doesn’t answer the question of what I do with this information. I want to wait and watch to see how the world progresses, but I don’t know how long this laptop will last. There is no way I can copy down even a thousandth of this information. It would all be lost…”

“If I may? Navarone, apparently I am a computer. I might be able to… do something to get the information.”

I thought about it for a few seconds before shaking my head. “After Vinyl and Octavia get their fill, yes. But until then, I’m not going to risk it.” I went over to the list of books and started looking through it. “What do you think we should copy next?”

“Why bother copying at all, anymore? You have more than enough money. Better to use the schematics to build useful things for the trip in your spare time. And by the way, you should consider hiring guards for both your house and your ship. If everyone that said they would think about going does end up going, you won’t need as many, but more soldiers would be good to have.”

“And it also means more mouths to feed. I will need at least one house-sitter, though. It’ll have to be someone loyal to me, not anyone else.”

“Naga?”

“I was thinking something a little more innocent. If I can get him, Smiles. If not, I’ll ask Lyra and Bon-Bon. A healthy dose of implied threats and offers of cash should get them to agree. And maybe I can get the wolves to keep out external threats. Unlikely, but who knows?”

“Fluttershy can also probably help with that.”

“Yeah.”

“Speaking of Fluttershy and your other friends… have you decided when you’ll tell them yet?”

“I won’t tell most of them. I’m going to offer to let Dash and Spike go. I’m not going to tell anyone else. I’m just going to leave for the party… and then not come back. Or at least, not for a little while.”

“Pinkie’s the kind of mare that would track you down, you know.”

“I know full well. I have plans for her.”

“…You’re going to bribe her with coffee.”

“First I’m going to see what effect it has on her. I brought a few bags of it back with me. Snagged it when no one was looking. I expect it’ll be interesting. I’ll be watching from as far away as I can get through my scope. But hopefully yes, I will be able to bribe her into leaving me alone with coffee.”

“Well, good luck with that. How do you think the others will react?”

“Indifference. Rarity and I are not on good terms. Applejack is just kinda there in the background. Hopefully Fluttershy will be over me again. I never really made much in the way of other friends…” Four years here and so little to show for it…

“And you’re just going to throw away what little you do have.”

“Not all of it. Ponyville, yeah. Equestria even, sure. But I won’t be alone and I will have Taya.”

“Unless you can convince her to stay.”

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah. Unless I can convince her to stay… I don’t think making her get friends is going to work.”

“I imagine you’re correct. She’s here to stay with you, for better or for worse.”

“Think I should bring the naga?”

“That is his choice, but you are free to welcome him. He would be useful, though I don’t think he would enjoy the heights. And he definitely would not enjoy the cold.”

“I’ll talk to him about it. Gilda?”

“Useful, but impetuous. She’d be risky, but a fast flier and a good fighter would be useful.”

“Spike?”

“Practically useless, but if you ever do need to get in contact with Celestia, he’ll prove invaluable.” Though Kumani can apparently also do it. “I know you just want to invite him to get him away from Twilight, to let him see the world. It’s admirable, but I don’t know if this is the best way to do it.”

“It’ll be his choice. Dash?”

“She’ll say no. She would be useful, though.”

“Anyone else you think I should take?”

“Mercenaries. Mercenaries that you think will stay loyal to you.”

“So no one. I do agree that more soldiers would be nice, but that raises the point of feeding them and making sure they obey my orders. I’ll keep an eye out, though. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find some people.”

“I certainly hope so…”

The next day, I found myself at the resident library. “Yo Spike, you doing anything important?”

He definitely didn’t look like he was, lounging about like he was. “Nope. What do you need?”

“Want to help me prank Pinkie?”

Ten minutes later, I was eight hundred yards away on a cloud using my rifle scope to watch Spike give a steamy cup of sugary and milky espresso to a bemused Pinkie. She took the cup with the barest hint of a glance in my direction.

That was my first hint that I had made a horrible mistake.

The second hint was the horrific feeling of something tearing when she took a sip of the drink. I imagine that if I could see her better, I would have seen her eyes defocus. In a flash, the rest of the coffee was instantly gone. I could see a blinding flash in my scope and pulled my eyes away from it to find a white pegasus with a blond mane right in front of me.

I jerked back from what looked like a copy of Pinkie in shock. I heard a voice say, as though from several mouths at once, “I have only yet begun to party!”

The next thing I knew, I was standing in a supermassive field, surrounded by thousands of similarly confused ponies. Then the music started.

That day went down in the history books as the day the party never died.

I resolved to hide the rest of the coffee as well as I possibly could.

A day after my unwanted encounter with Super Pinkie—nicknamed Surprise by those that didn’t know any better—Taya brought someone by for my ‘approval.’ I was expecting either another filly or someone at least a little older than she was—not that that meant much to me, since I still didn’t know anyone’s age—but instead, she brought by a somewhat familiar little colt.

“Featherweight?” I asked, looking down at the spindly little colt.

“Yes sir…” He sounded very uncertain to be talking to me. I had two guesses to what had happened. The first is that Taya bullied this poor kid and dragged him over here to pretend for a day to be her friend. I was hoping my other guess was more accurate, since it involved her actually making a friend.

I shrugged. “Well, I’ve never seen you with her before. I trust you two will behave?” I mean, he did satisfy the arrangement I had with her, until we were in private and I could deliver part two, of course.

“Of course, daddy!” Taya sounded too happy. I knew something was up.

I nodded and left them to their devices while I went up to my hidden safe to pull out my magic key. I knew I would need it to get her to tell me the truth. She may be relatively obedient, but she was also very smart. She had to know what a lie would get her if she was caught in it.

By the time I got back downstairs, the two of them were gone and the mail was here. I sorted through the numerous letters and things that proved that even in Equestria, home ownership was a bitch. To my surprise, I found a reply from Vinyl. “So soon?” I whispered, cutting the letter open and quickly scanning it. “Tomorrow? That was fucking fast.” Still, it’s good news for me. I wanted to get the stuff to them as soon as possible, so I could let Flo attempt her magic. Well, I suppose it’s not magic anymore, is it?

Anyway, that gave me something else to do while I waited for Taya to get back. I needed to get some extra food and prep the guest rooms. Or I should rather say, Cadance needed to prep the guest rooms while Doppel went to get more food.

It’s nice to be able to order a princess around. It’s not like she had much else to do anyway; she spent most of her time pestering someone in the house, reading, or cleaning things that were already sparkling clean. Let me tell you, after a few weeks of living with her and getting over her oddities, I found that she would probably be the perfect wife. I probably never would have considered marrying her, but if you were normal and looking for something nice, she would be it.

When I had a grumpy Doppel and a frumpy Cadance working on their projects, the naga and I went to the yard to beat the shit out of each other. Or at least, he got to beat me across the yard. I was definitely getting better, but swordplay isn’t something you can learn overnight.

After a few hours of practicing, I dragged my sore ass into town. I still needed to apologize to Spike for putting him on Ground Zero and I also needed to see if the blacksmith had gotten anything done on my order or heard word back yet from his friend who could make the magazines.

My planned apology to Spike would be pretty easy. I just upgraded from my crossbow and now had an old weapon lying around that I didn’t need. He had no ranged capability past his fire breath and he knew how to shoot my crossbow. To that end, I brought my rifle, the crossbow, and two quivers into town with me. I also brought a pen as a gift for Twilight.

I brought the rifle so I could test fire the rounds the blacksmith made. I wouldn’t give the crossbow to Spike unless the new rounds worked as well as the old. I was hoping I could easily get them into the mags I had and that they would shoot just fine.

Thankfully, the blacksmith did have a few test rounds finished. Doubly thankfully, a quick testing proved that they worked just fine. Not so thankfully, the blacksmith’s friend was not as quick to reply as Vinyl. He didn’t have word yet on the magazines.

When I got finished there, I went on to the library. Twilight was there floating some papers around and taking notes on multiple pages at a time while reading from some thick tome. I didn’t see Spike anywhere in the main room, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t in the library.

“Sup, Twilight?” I asked, stepping inside.

It seems I broke her rhythm, because all of the floating pages and writing quills immediately ground to a halt as she jerked her head up. “Oh. Hi, Nav. I never noticed how much free time I had before that ghost thing showed up and all of it disappeared. Now that it’s gone again, I have so much time to do whatever I want!”

And yet you spend it here, copying notes from some old book. “Glad to hear it’s not bothering you anymore, then. You interested in something I finally made from home?”

She immediately abandoned her position in front of the book and bounded at me. “What is it? Is it that thing over your shoulder?” Meaning the rifle, probably.

“No, that’s not for you.” I reached down to my pocket and pulled out the pen. “This here’s a writing utensil. It’s like a quill, but so much easier to use. You never have to dip it since all the ink is self-contained.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the pen was ripped from my hands. “How does it work?” she asked as she brought it close to her face, examining it front and back for any kind of hint to its function.

“See that little thing on one end? Gently push it in.” She clicked the end of the pen, getting the writing part to pop out. “Put the pointy end to paper and just write.” She used magic to pull one of her note pages over and started writing on it.

“Sweet Celestia! Nav, this can revolutionize writing as we know it! Do you know how much easier notes will be to take now?!”

“Yes, I do. That’s why I already have Filthy Rich working on making more. That pen right there is for you to keep and use, one of the originals. Just know that it’ll run out of ink eventually.”

“…Why didn’t you make any of these sooner?”

I shrugged. “Didn’t think about it. Just don’t tell anyone that these pens came from me, alright? I don’t want that kind of attention.”

“Of course, Nav. But anypony that knows you and anything about the humans will probably know that this is from you. You humans always seem to have such interesting, pragmatic ideas… Why did we never think of this?” I just shrugged as she continued to study the pen. “Say, what are these markings?”

“Hmm?” She floated the pen back over my way and rotated it until the ‘markings’ were facing me. “That says Google—Gentlemen’s Club. You can’t read it?”

“Those are words? Nav, they look like cave drawings to me.”

…That’s a problem I hadn’t foreseen. “Huh. Well, it’s not really that im—”

“What’s a Google?”

“A googol is a very large number. I think it’s a one with a hundred zeros. Again, not impo—”

“Why does your pen have cave drawings that I can’t read but you can that say something about a large number and a gentlestallion’s club?”

“Because reasons. Look, is Spike here? I want to talk to him.”

“He’s still a little sore from the Pinkie incident. It’s a good thing he’s a dragon and very resilient. He should be upstairs. But I want to know more about this pen and its writings. Nav, is this a different language where you’re from?”

“Yes. It’s Spanish.” No it’s not. “That’s probably why you can’t read it and why it doesn’t translate to anything you’re familiar with.”

“…Then why were you surprised that I couldn’t read it?”

“Hey, you guys know what English is. Maybe you could also read Spanish.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but she nodded after a second. “Okay. So what’s that over your shoulder?”

“A crossbow. I know you’ve seen it before.” I started walking to the stairs, tired of her questions and wanting to avoid the one I knew was coming.

“That other thing isn’t a crossbow,” she said, looking dead at it.

“Twilight, you need to get your eyes checked.” I didn’t even stop walking.

“Then can I look at it closer?”

“Nope.” I was finally to the stairs and headed up them. I thought I might be about home free when I heard the pop of teleportation and found her standing in front of me, a curious and slightly manic look on her face.

“Celestia told me you were making more things from your world, Nav. Things like weapons. Is that one of them?”

“Nope.” I used my wings to jump over her, but she teleported in front of me again.

“Then why are you trying to hide it?”

“I’m not.” And then I was in Spike’s room, which had previously been my room. I saw him lying on the bed in the dark room, attempting to curl up. When I poked my head in, he groaned. “Spike, you up?” I saw one of his head spines twitch and I knew he heard me. I walked on inside. Twilight was unhappy about being ignored, I’m sure, and I knew I would be getting it when I tried leaving. “Sorry about making Pinkie do that right in front of you, man. I had no idea what would happen.”

He groaned again, more spines twitching.

“I don’t speak Groanese, sorry. I’m going to assume you just said, ‘Don’t worry about it, bro. It happens.’” He twitched again and groaned some more. “Yeah, you’ll be fine.” I kicked the door shut so Twilight wouldn’t listen in. “I got two more things to say before I leave. First, I don’t need my crossbow anymore. It’s yours if you want it, along with most or all of the bolts I have for it. I’ll leave it in the closet so Twilight doesn’t see it right off the bat.”

He actually tried rolling over and sitting up to look at me for that one. He got to the rolling over part before seemingly giving up. By the time I saw that, the crossbow was already in the closet along with the two quivers.

“The second thing is an offer of sorts. I don’t want to make the offer without you being able to talk, though. Whenever you don’t feel like shit anymore, come find me.” He grunted again and I figured he got the message. “Also, I pissed off Twilight, so I’m going out the window. You look like you need some fresh air anyway.”

He sighed as I walked over to the little balcony in the room. It was completely curtained at the moment, letting no light at all in.

I pushed the curtains open and came face to face with an angry Twilight. “Going somewhere?” she asked through the window.

I grinned. “Just getting some air for Spike. He doesn’t need to be cooped up like this when unwell.” Shit, she’s gotten good. I opened the balcony door to let some air in, as I had said I would.

“So what’s that over your shoulder?” she asked before she realized something. “…And where’s your crossbow?”

“I didn’t even bring a crossbow, Twilight. Are you seeing things?”

“But you—And I… Navarone, what is that over your shoulder?”

“I don’t have anything over my shoulder, Twilight… Are you feeling okay?”

“I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE!”

“Dude, don’t yell in front of Spike! He’s not feeling well.” I waited for her eyes to flick to him and for him to let off a well-timed groan before continuing, “And you obviously aren’t either, if you think there’s something over my shoulder.”

I dove for cover as Twilight exploded in rage.

When I had successfully fled from the library, I tried going straight home. I didn’t quite make it: Rarity intercepted me just outside of town. “Ah, Navar—What are you—UNHOOF ME YOU BRUTE!”

I’m sure Big Mac was quite surprised to find me giving Rarity the fiercest spanking of her life. His normally red face grew even redder when he pushed his head into the little bush I had dragged her into.

“Having fun yet?” I demanded right as his head poked in, probably drawn in by her screams of indignation.

“…What’re y’all doin’?” he drawled, his eyes like saucers.

Rarity was a little bit busy sniffling and moaning to answer, so I said, “This naughty mare has a certain fetish. As the resident expert with hands, I was helping her out. Keep quiet about it, yeah?”

His face grew even redder and he quickly pulled his head out of the bush with a loud “Nope!” He kept repeating that as he galloped off into the distance.

This is the second time he’s found me like this, I thought as I gave Rarity a few more spanks.

“See, this is what happens when you don’t keep things a fucking secret like I told you to,” I said as I finally pulled away from her, surveying my work. Somehow, the white fur on her flank had red handprints over it from where I had been spanking her. I figured that was enough to teach her a lesson without me having to do anything else.

“You violent monster…” she whispered, still sniffling.

“You were just asking for it. That squishy, spankable flank. The way you constantly beg for attention. How you always do whatever you can to make me suffer. For some reason thinking I was gay and wanted to be a cross dresser. Raping me. I keep saying that I need to slap your shit and I finally did.” That one time in the Google bunker doesn’t count. “Now why were you looking for me?”

She just hmphed and stuck her nose in the air, tossing her head away from me.

“Good, I don’t have to deal with more of your bullshit. Have a nice day, then.”

I merrily continued on my way for all of a few steps before I heard a barely whispered, “Wait…” I turned back, raising an eyebrow. “I… was going to apologize. But then you had to go and start hitting me!”

“Don’t even try to pretend you didn’t enjoy that.” I had her positioned in a way that it was hard not to tell that she was enjoying it more than she should have been.

And now her face was as red as her ass as she just blushed and stammered for a few seconds before saying, “I do need your assistance with something, however. I believe helping me with what I require might help turn my head from this… incident.”

“I’m listening, though I can’t make any promises.”

Her horn lit up and surrounded one of the saddlebags that I had casually thrown off her when I was dragging her into the bushes. The flap opened and one of the shitty little comics she looted from Earth pulled itself out, surrounded by a light blue glow. It flew over to me. “The spell that allowed me to understand these mangas wore off, Navarone. I was wondering if you would be able to read it and perhaps translate it.”

“Why not just get a translator spell and do it yourself?”

“Do you know how high level those spells are, Navarone? Everypony in the world has been speaking the same language for thousands of years. The kind of magic it takes to cast something like that is more than I could handle without a lot of practice. Twilight might be able to do it, but I would have to explain to her just why I need it.”

“Tell her you want to put something in an ancient dead language on one of your clothes.”

“That’s an idea… But I would prefer you help me instead, if you can.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes, holding out my hand. The comic landed in it and I lifted it up. I looked over the cover before flipping it open and looking at some of the text.

I closed it and shook my head, looking up. “This is in Japanese, or some other moon rune language. I don’t know it. You find me some English and we’ll talk.” That was a bold-faced lie. This thing was in English; I just didn’t want to translate it. To be fair, I don’t think you’d find many people that would willingly read Bible Black, which is what that one was.

Yeah, if I ever saw those manga fuckers she got those things from again, I would be doing some professional ass-kicking.

She sighed, pulling the abomination away from me. “I suppose it was a little too much to ask. Very well then. In that case, would you be available to assist me with something else later on?”

“I don’t know why you keep asking me this. The answer depends entirely upon what the activity you need help with is.”

“Well, if you must know, it’s more modeling stuff.” I immediately got ready to tell her no before she said, “You won’t be the model, of course—I remember your distaste for it after last time. No, I will be asking Fluttershy or perhaps somepony else to help. You will just be a judge of sorts.”

I sighed, rubbing at one of my temples. “You’re making human clothes and you want me to tell you how accurate they are.”

“Close. I’m making human clothes and I want you to tell me how sexy they are.”

“…And you want to use Fluttershy? Rarity, that shit could scar her for life.”

“Relax, Navarone. Nopony will be taking pictures or filming it.”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to do it, not if Fluttershy is the one modeling. Someone else, sure. Fluttershy? She’s too innocent for that and I refuse to see her corrupted in any way.”

“…Well, I can honestly say that I’m surprised. Pleasantly surprised, of course. It seems that you do still have some morals left.”

“When all you’ve got left is strings, you cling to them all the harder. If you find anyone else, you know where I live.”

She nodded. “Very well. Have a good day, Navarone.”

“You too, Marshmallow.” She huffed again as she used magic to settle the saddlebags over her back. I debated internally about mentioning the handprints that graced her behind, but decided in the end not to. I also decided not to tell her what happened with Big Mac.

When I finally got home, I found Taya alone, sitting in the living room and reading a book. She looked up at me with a grin. “So what do you think, daddy?”

I debated using the key to make her tell the truth versus giving her the next part of the punishment. I decided not to use the key just yet. “It’s a start,” I answered, crossing my arms. “It amuses me that you think I’m stupid, though.” Her smile faltered slightly. “That’s what I thought. Go find him and apologize. You have one day left to find a friend that wasn’t bullied into being here before I put you in school. After that, if I don’t see you doing friendly things with that friend or another pony every five days, I’m going to have a chat with Cheerilee. Is that understood?”

Her face slowly drooped more and more until she looked close to tears. At the end of it, she teleported away. I sighed and stalked upstairs, more unhappy than I should have been. Why is it so hard to tell her to do something that’s good for herself?

For some reason, Flo burst out laughing at that.

The next day, I took the wolf down to the train station to meet Vinyl and possibly Octavia. The letter didn’t mention if the cellist was coming, but I did ask for her so I was hoping. If she wasn’t there, I know Vinyl could get her down after I showed her the laptop.

I settled down on one of the benches to wait, the few out-of-towners flinching away from Freki as he hopped up next to me and laid his head down in my lap. For being made of wood, he really liked getting petted. I gave him some attention because frankly, I’m slightly neglectful of that poor dog. Not on purpose, of course, I just sort of… forget him sometimes, I guess.

Equestria’s trains are usually on time, so we weren’t waiting at the station for long. “Dude, what’s—What the buck is that?” Vinyl asked, looking at my timber puppy.

“Remember when you asked about the wolves made of wood that lived in the forest? I got one as a pet.”

“…Aren’t those things evil?”

“Nah, just territorial. This guy is harmless until you piss me off. Where’s Octavia?”

“She couldn’t make it on such short notice. What’s this new product you got for me?”

“It’s easier shown than explained. Oh, and good news: I got a house, so you don’t need a hotel. C’mon, you’ll probably love it.”

“Awesome! It’s about time you got a cool pad of your own. Is it a stellar bachelor pad?”

“I wish. It’s hard to live like a bachelor with a daughter, an annoying chick that might as well be your wife, a foal, a maid, and a hulking warrior all living in your place.” I hopped up and started leading her into town.

“You sure there’s gonna be room for me?”

“This place is massive. Even with all of that, I still have four spare guest rooms. I got some stuff to tell you about some of the other tenants, though, and I hope you don’t mind other races.”

“Griffins are pretty cool, for the most part. Very different from ponies, though.”

“Yeah… I’m not talking about griffins. The one I had here left for home and I haven’t seen her in a little while. I’ll tell you a little more when we get out of town, away from listening ears.” Like anyone from that annoying little school newspaper. I didn’t want word about Cadance getting out. “So how’s the business?”

“Booming on all fronts, and I have you to thank for it! Why do you think I came down here immediately?”

“I figured you were bored again and wanted another short vacation.”

“Nah. I’m getting back into the groove of things and remembering why I love it. What about you? How’s… what you do when you aren’t helping the princesses?”

“Going very well. Quills are going to be obsolete soon, if you write a lot. I’ll probably stop writing books, though. Not like there’s a lot of demand for them anyway.” As it turns out, human books about human problems don’t attract a lot of attention from ponies. Some are definitely interested and many of the books grew quite popular, but I don’t think anyone would notice if they stopped coming out.

…I was hoping no one would go Misery on my ass.

“You’re a writer?”

“Yep. Well, not really. It’s more that I transcribe books from my world into this world and make a pretty penny doing it. Long story short, I’m a little bit rich. And if you factor in the mine I accidentally sort of mostly own, I’m more than a little rich.”

“Huh. So, what’s this about your weird guests?”

We were now mostly out of town, so I felt more comfortable telling her. “Do you know what a naga is?”

“No clu—wait, aren’t they mercenaries or something?”

“A lot of them are. That’s about the only occasion you’ll ever find one outside of their home. It’s a large carnivorous snake-fish mix. Just don’t bother him and don’t get him drunk and you’ll be fine.”

“…What happens if he gets drunk?”

“We agreed to never talk about that again. The next person of interest is a changeling maid. You might have met her in Canterlot at the wedding, a girl named Doppel. If she tries to seduce you, go for it. She’s an amazing lay.”

“She’s a changeling, dude.”

“Yeah. That just means she can do whatever fetish you want. Last on the list is Princess Cadance, and you are to tell no one she is here.”

“Whoa. This is where she’s hiding?”

“Yep. And on the off chance Shining Armor visits and you ever get asked about it, tell everyone that he’s cheating on Cadance with me.”

“Dude… Hot. I would pay to see that.”

“Really? How much?”

“I don’t bucking know, a lot. But anyway, why’s lovebutt living in your house?”

I shrugged. “Wish I could tell you. Oh yeah, her kid is also here. A more evil and vindictive baby you will never find. Stay away from her.”

“I never was a foal pony. So what’s the big secret plan to make me more money?”

“It’s another thing you’ll have to keep secret from everyone. This is more important to me than keeping the Cadance thing a secret.”

“Alright, I won’t tell anypony. It’s good to keep business secrets safe.”

“I found a way to get music from my world into this world. There are problems, though; the lyrics are in a very different language. I might be able to translate, I might not. But all the dubstep without lyrics? You should be golden to copy it all.”

“As awesome as that is—and it’s extremely bucking awesome—isn’t that… immoral?”

“Probably. But even if you don’t copy it for your own stuff, it might give you ideas. And if nothing else, you can say that you were one of the first and only ponies to listen to human music.”

“True. So how do you get the music here? Is it some kind of portal?”

“Nope. I’ll show you. As I said, it’s impossible to explain. I have a feeling you’ll love it, though. Just make sure to not tell anyone about it, or I’ll kill your family.”

“…What?”

“That won’t be a problem, though. How long do you have to be here?”

“Uh, a few days? How long should it take?”

“I don’t know. I can show you the songs instantly, but there are a lot of songs to go through. If it goes well, do you think you can get Octavia or some other people out here? Some people that you can trust to keep silent, of course. Needless to say, if a few certain interested parties learned about this, bad things might happen.”

“Of course, dude. Or I can just record some stuff and bring it to her. If it’s really that incredible, I’ll just track her down and drag her here. Depending on what you humans have, I can bring a few other ponies here too. I got a few friends that are trying to ‘find new sounds’ and aren’t having much luck.”

“Tell them to go into a desert and save a village of mares from a bandit.”

“How would that help them do anything?”

“Hey, it would get them laid.”

“Can’t argue with that. So how far away is this little house of yours, anyway?”

“Hah, ‘little.’ It’s not too far out of town. We’ll be seeing it pretty soon. Just a note, though: It’s right up against the Everfree.”

“But it’s safe. Right?”

“Oh yeah. The only problem we’ve really had so far was the giant squid, and that was just because of a misunderstanding. Last I heard, he’s settled down with a sea serpent.”

“I would give fifty bits to live your life for a week when I’m not around, just to see what the buck you’d get up to.”

“It’s mostly kinky sex with Doppel and training with the naga. Pretty boring, I gotta say. And since I can’t sleep at night yet, I spend that time building stuff.” I’ve been tempted to make a cannon, but storing it would be too much trouble and bringing it on an airship would be just asking for trouble.

“What have you been making? More human stuff?”

“Yeah. Nothing high tech or anything, though. What do you do in your spare time, when you aren’t partying or whatnot?”

“Whatever I feel like. I’m swimming in bits, so there’s not much I can’t do anymore.”

“Ever think of settling down? Finding someone nice and popping out a few brats or something?”

“Thought about it, sure. Ever really considered it? Nah. I don’t want to get slowed down by any foals just yet. Not my style.”

“They definitely change your priorities.” Aside from the whole ‘Taya shouldn’t have chosen me’ angle, I didn’t have many regrets with her. I mean, I’ve had to change a little, but not as much as I would have for a baby or something.

“You ready to find a nice mare and settle down yet? I know you gotta be tired of your career.”

“I definitely am tired of it. I’m going to pass on any kind of relationship for now, though. It would be nice, but… Well, I have my reasons.” Emotionally stunted, dead inside, leaving soon. Take your pick.

“How’s your daughter handling not having a mom?”

“No clue. She seems okay with it, but then she’s kind of mentally unbalanced. Oh hey, there’s the outer wall of my house.”

“There’s a wall? Awesome. No wonder nothing gives you any trouble. But what about things with wings?”

“The only manticore that tried popping his head over the wall got eaten by the naga. We haven’t had any trouble since then. No solicitors or random songs, either. It’s nice.”

“Huh. Sounds kinda boring, actually.”

“I’ve earned some boredom. And sometimes you just need a break from it all, you know?”

“Eeeh, I guess. Hey, do you have a gardener too?”

“…No. That looks like Lily. And there’s Taya, who I swear you had to have met by now.” Have I introduced them? I don’t remember. “Taya took up gardening, so I assume she had one of the Flower sisters come by to teach her how to keep the flowers alive.” I wasn’t ready to count it as a ‘friend’ just yet, but it was a step in the right direction. And as long as Cadan—Oh wow, I didn’t really think this one through, did I?

Meh. Cadance would be fine. The Flower sisters are harmless and the assassins are dead anyway.

“I wish I had somepony to make a garden for me…”

“Get a loving daughter, then. Or hire a gardener; that would probably be cheaper.” We could barely even see them through the gates, but it looked like Taya was acting a bit more frantically than normal. I didn’t want to rush her too much into making a friend, but she had to force my hand. Honestly, I was hoping she would go for someone closer to her own age, but going after cute mares was also okay.

…As long as she didn’t try setting me up with them. Then we’d have a problem.

When we finally got inside the gates, the two of them noticed us. Lily paled slightly when she saw Freki, but she knew by now that he was harmless. Still, all three of the sisters were pretty much cowards, and spent the longest time being afraid of me. I was honestly surprised Taya even managed to get her to agree to come into my fort.

“Hello, Ms. Lily,” I said, walking up to the two of them. Given that the garden was right in front of the house, I had to walk up to them to get inside. “Welcome to my home. Do you two need anything?”

“Nothing right now, Sir Navarone,” she said. “Taya here just wanted to learn how to take care of these lovely little lilies.” I had no clue what kind of flowers they were. “I’m always happy to help somepony start a garden, so here I am!”

“I’m glad you can help. I know nothing of gardening, other than that you dig a hole and put the plant in it.”

“Ooh, would you like to learn? It’s a great bonding activity!”

…Fuck. “I would, but I need to get Vinyl here situated.” Also, I hate gardening. “Some other time, perhaps?”

Taya put on a smile for some reason. “Surely it won’t take too long, Daddy. I’m sure she’s tired from her trip, after all.” Oh you little… I’m teaching her too well.

“If that is the case, I will be back out in a few minutes. Vinyl, come on.”

She followed me on in. “This place is awesome! How much did it cost you?”

“In terms of bits? Nothing. In terms of other things? An ass-whooping, two pissed off princesses, and being forced to go to Luna’s winter party.”

“Which you’re going to love, by the way. I’m helping her with it, and with the resources we have, it’s going to be the most amazing party in history.” We both jerked as we heard a distant howling that for some reason reminded me of Pinkie, but I dismissed it as something from the forest.

“I’m not much of a party person, but I can survive one night. Up the st—Doppel!” I spotted her peeking out of the living room. “This here is Vinyl Scratch. She’ll be staying in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Vinyl, this is Doppel, my maid.” As soon as I called her, Doppel stepped out of her cover, showing off her sexy body and the frilly Prench maid outfit.

“What’s with the getup?” Vinyl asked.

“Master makes me wear it,” she said before I could answer. “He says he likes the way I shake my hips and the easy access for when he gets bored.”

“Bitch please. You’re the one that refuses to take it off. Given Chrysalis’s threat, that’s probably a valid refusal, but still.”

Doppel grinned, winking. “I don’t hear you complain any more, master.”

“That’s just because you make sure to bend over in my face whenever you have to dust something. We’ll be upstairs if anyone needs us. No listening in; you can get your fill later.”

She sighed, looking disappointed. “Yes master...”

Vinyl and I continued up the stairs. When we got to the second floor, I led her to one of the many unused rooms, far away from Cadance’s with the baby. “This here’s your room. You’re welcome to take another unused room, but all the other ones are closer to a room with a baby—or a foal, whatever you want to call it.”

“Got an awesome maid, a loving daughter, and guest rooms that would make most ponies clop their hooves in glee. You’re living the good life, Nav. Seeing this place makes me want more than just a nice penthouse suite.”

“You got the money. Why not go for it? Though I gotta say, home ownership has its downsides, even if I don’t have that many bills. Anything breaks down, have fun fixing it, or paying to fix it.” With the schematics I got, I was thinking about hiring a few people to build me a generator that would never break and work better than the one that Chrysalis built me.

She shrugged. “I can’t build a big fancy house in the city, where I do most of my work. It would be a very long commute.”

“Eh. Either way, this is your room. If you stumble in drunk to the room next to it in the middle of the night and snuggle up with my daughter, we’re going to have a problem. Namely, of the her brutally murdering you kind. So yeah, watch out for that. Now, you want to see the music thing?”

“Nav, you’re kinda freaking me out, man. First you talk about killing my family, now you’re saying that going into the wrong room’s gonna get me killed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like or care about my family, but I still don’t want them dead. And me getting killed is even worse.”

“You gotta understand this about my… ‘family,’ then. Taya’s parents were either murdered or abandoned her and she was left on the streets of a place that mistreated her in ways that I still don’t know about. She’s been learning all kinds of magic, but has a disturbing proficiency for combat magic. So she’s not only jumpy and paranoid, she can back it up by making your head pop. Doppel’s a sex addict and instead of the normal taste of love, she prefers lust. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to get it, too. Cadance is Cadance, and that’s all you need to know about that. The naga… Yeah, don’t mess with the naga. And of course, Freki is still a wolf at heart, even if he acts like a little puppy. You already know I’m fucked in the head. Now come along, I want to get started early.”

She just sighed and fell into step behind me. “So after you start showing me this music stuff, you’re going to go and spend some time with your daughter and her garden?”

“I don’t like gardening.”

“And if what you said is true, you need to spend more time with her anyway. She’s safe in Equestria, and you spending more time with her will hopefully help her remember that. That way she won’t make my head explode.”

“And I suppose it means you can keep making my head explode instead.”

“Wha—Oh.” She grinned and said, “Well, I wouldn’t say no. But I thought you had a bit more fun on the more feminine side of things.”

“It would take a lot of convincing to get me to bring those stones out of storage.” Doppel managed to do it a few times. “But no matter. Here’s my office.” I pushed the door open and stepped on inside, almost expecting someone to be there waiting for me. Thankfully, there wasn’t. I walked to the other side of the desk and plopped myself down in the chair. “You ready for the big secret?” I asked as I pulled the skeleton key out and unlocked the laptop’s drawer.

“Sure, I guess.”

I shrugged and set the laptop on the desk. “This here is some powerful human technology.” I opened it up and turned it on. “I don’t know how good the speakers really are, though; it was not at all designed for this purpose.”

“What was it designed for, then?”

“Rebuilding society in the event that it collapsed.” It booted up almost immediately and I opened the folder I made for Vinyl. “What are you in the mood for?”

She shrugged. “I’m cool with whatever.”

I grinned. “Then I’ll start with my preference: Chillstep. I can set you up with a good long playlist. If you get tired of one song, just say ‘next.’ If you want to hear the song that was running before, say ‘back.’ If anyone opens the door, say ‘stop.’ If that person leaves, say ‘play.’ Feel free to look around the office if you want, but don’t touch this device. It’s sensitive and it is irreplaceable.” I clicked the play button. “I’ll be back in less than an hour, hopefully. If you need to use the bathroom or whatever, just stop it and go next door; there’s a bathroom in my room. Any questions before I go torture myself?”

Her head was tilted, listening to the music. “Can you turn it up? And do you have some paper?”

I turned the volume up a few pegs before reaching into another drawer and pulling out some paper and a pen. “Just click the top and use the point if you need to write,” I said, standing. “See you soonish, then.”

She mumbled something as she listened to the sounds of Woon’s “Night Air.” The lyrics would go over her head, but at least she could hear the basic sounds of chillstep.

I walked over to my room to get some work clothes, the wolf still dogging my heels. When I got some clothes I didn’t care about getting dirt on, I looked down at the wolf and got a decent idea. “Guard the door to my office. Anyone but me or Vinyl tries going in, hurt them. Can you do that for me?”

He happily wagged his tail, glad to finally have a task from his master or whatever he considered me.

“Good boy. Or… girl, I guess. Whatever gender you consider yourself. I’ll be back up in a few minutes, hopefully. If you see me, sniff me. If I smell more like Doppel than I should, be ready to bite.”

I let him out and he actually took a position at the door, sitting down in front of it. I shrugged and grabbed my rifle and loaded it, not bothering to chamber a round. But there’s no reason not to be careful, you know?

Unfortunately, it was a rather typical summer day out. The sun was being an asshole and attempting to oppress the citizens of the world. Normally, I’d be all too happy to let it do so and stay inside, but Taya had to go and try to make me look like a bad father in front of Lily. So instead, I joined them outside in the shitty little garden thing I was stupid enough to get Taya to try to grow.

Since this wasn’t my garden, I was doing my best to not pay attention to most of what Lily was trying to say, instead doing the minimum amount of work possible to make it seem like I cared.

You know, when I write it that way, I do seem like a terrible father. But since I knew that was true and I had been trying to tell everyone that since the beginning, it didn’t weigh much on my mind.

After about half an hour, Lily looked up to the gate entrance. “Who is that?” she asked.

I looked behind me and saw that it was a pony that was completely covered in some kind of clothing or something. “I have no clue,” I answered, grabbing my rifle and finally locking in a round. I didn’t pump it just yet, because this didn’t look like a unicorn. “Hello!” I called, getting the fidgety pony’s attention. It started walking to us. “Who are you?” I asked when the pony was close enough.

“Fluttershy,” she quietly whispered, twitching. “C-can you help me, Nav?”

I immediately put the rifle down. “What do you need?”

“I’m… I’m…” She mumbled something else that I couldn’t hear.

“You’re going to have to repeat that,” I said, crossing my arms. I’ve played that game with her a few times. When she gets nervous about something, her voice just disappears.

“I have fleas,” she whispered so quietly that I could barely understand it.

Lily jerked back, almost stepping in the garden. “F-f-f-FLEAS?!” She immediately bolted for the gate.

“God that mare is skittish. Taya, you passed. You have five days starting tomorrow. Fluttershy, I have no idea how to get rid of fleas. Or at least, not on something that enjoys living.”

“I… I have some—Ee!—some things you can use. And if those don’t work, I’m sure somepony in town or Zecora can help.”

I shrugged. “Do we need to be inside to do it? No offense, but I don’t want fleas in my house if I can help it. Bad for Taya and Skyla, you know?”

She rooted around in a pocket and pulled out a comb. A very fine-toothed comb, too. “We can try this part outside. Can you, um, hurry?”

“Get outta those clothes and I can get started. Taya, go inside, or away from here. You do not want fleas, trust me.”

“Okay, daddy.” She sprinted inside, not giving it any kind of second thought.

I pulled my shirt off and tossed it on top of the gun, then walked over to the side of my house and sat next to it, resting my back against it. I really didn’t want to risk getting fleas living in my shirt, after all. Those things spread and you have to bake clothing to get them out of it.

Soon enough, Fluttershy was out of her silly little clothes and was standing next to me, averting her eyes and flinching every few seconds.

“Do you need an invitation?” I asked. “Come on, lie across my lap. And pass me that comb.”

She settled down on me with a sigh. “Sorry for bothering you, Nav,” she whispered as I started combing at her. “It’s just… you’re the only one without any fur.”

“Except for Spike.”

“…Um…”

“And the naga. And Doppel. And you might be able to get Stephen Magnet to do it, if you could find him.”

“I… I didn’t mean to bother you…” She tried getting up, but I held her down, continuing to comb her.

“I don’t mind. Between you and me, this is a lot more fun than gardening. Am I doing it right?”

“Um… No. Here, let me show you how…” She maneuvered over until she was lying on her back and took the proffered comb. She then demonstrated the proper way to comb fleas off of something. I crushed one of the ones that was squirming on the end of the comb and she flinched again. “Can’t you just… knock them off and leave them in the grass?”

“And let them jump back on you? Pass.” I took the comb back and began properly running it down her belly. A few minutes later, I had her flip over. “So if this doesn’t work, what do you want to try next?”

“Well, I have a special shampoo… I just… Well, I need somepony to help me wash. Everywhere.”

“So wash your body. Awkward, but not too bad.”

“Um… Everywhere, everywhere.”

“…Oh.” We sat in silence for a little while as I continued to comb her. Eventually I said, “Well, it’ll only be weird if we make it weird. Do you feel any less itchy, at least?”

“A little…”

A few minutes later, I asked, “So has Rarity bothered you yet about modeling?”

“She asked me if I could help her. She didn’t say what lingerie was, though. I told her that I couldn’t help until all of the fleas were gone. She… she didn’t stay much longer.”

“Tell her no. As a favor to me, if nothing else.”

“Why? Do you know what lingerie is?”

“Yes. It’s something a mare uses to attract a stallion. In my world, it was used in sex-play. I made the mistake of mentioning it to Rarity and she got all gung-ho about the idea. It isn’t something you should do, Flutters.”

“…Why not?”

What? “Fluttershy, do you really want to be identified as the first mare to wear something that sexualizes women and turns them into little more than sex objects?”

“Well no, but it can’t be that bad. It’s just clothing.”

“Clothing designed to make someone look sexy and inviting in bed. That goes against your entire personality. You’re too innocent for something like that.”

“Says who?” I stopped combing her, surprised. She turned her head to look at me. “I’m a mare with needs, Nav. I might be… more shy than most…” Her eyes flicked to the side for that before meeting mine again with an uncomfortable intensity. “…But I still want somepony to want me. To love me. Is that so wrong?”

“…No. But you shouldn’t resort to something so base to do it.”

“If somepony else ignores everything else, maybe appealing to his base desires would do it.”

“Or maybe it’s just a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. Do you really want to change yourself to get someone?”

“It’s not changing anything. It’s just showing off a side of me nopony has ever seen before.”

I sighed, closing my eyes and rubbing at a temple with one hand before saying, “Well, let me know how that turns out for you.” I began combing her again. “For what it’s worth, that would probably piss me off.”

She didn’t answer.

When I had determined that I combed over all parts of her at least once, I patted her back. “Still itchy?” I asked.

She twitched and sighed. “Yes…”

“Fuck. Well, time to give you a bath… Though I don’t know why you need me so much for that.”

“I can do most of it myself! I just can’t reach my back that easily. And… some other places.”

“Well, hop up and grab the shampoo. I don’t want to dally in the house, letting the fleas get anywhere. Do you mind cool baths?”

“They’re good for my mane, I guess. Why?”

“Because it means that we can go in through the back and straight down to the spring instead of running through the house and getting fleas everywhere. The water feeds into a stream behind the house, so the naga shouldn’t have to worry about getting soap and shit where he sleeps.” And if he does bitch about it, I’ll just let him try to say no to a miserable looking Fluttershy.

She finally hopped off me and went to her clothes, rooting around in them for the shampoo or whatever. She finally leaned up with the bottle in her mouth. I stood up, grabbed my rifle and shirt, and started leading the way to the back door.

“I do hope you got the fleas gone from all your animals before coming here. You’re just wasting your time, otherwise.”

“I hope I did… Poor Angel Bunny was so distraught over them.”

I grinned to myself at the thought of that little fucker running around with fleas eating him alive, but didn’t comment on it aloud. Instead, I said, “Most people would concentrate on getting better themselves first, so they don’t spread the disease around while they’re trying to help.”

“That’s people. I’m a pony. We help others first.”

“Which works well enough when what you have isn’t communicable or disabling. But whatever.” I pushed the back door open, stepping inside. Cadance looked up from trying to feed Skyla some kind of harder food than crotchtit milk. I held a hand out to stop Fluttershy. “Cadance, put a shield around yourself and your kid, please.”

“Uh… Why?”

“I’m helping someone get rid of fleas and I don’t want you to bitch at me if Skyla gets them. We’ll be out of the kitchen and down the stairs in less than a minute.”

She shrugged and put a shield up. “When you get done, we need to talk,” she said as I led Fluttershy inside. “Oh. Hello, Fluttershy.” There was more coldness in her voice than I was used to hearing from her, though it still wasn’t all that dark sounding.

“Hello, Princess,” Fluttershy answered, also not sounding overly amused. I sensed an undertone in there, but decided not to press my luck in asking about it. So instead I pushed the cellar door open and started down the stairs.

“Um, Nav?” I stopped and looked back to find her looking down the cellar in confusion. “I can’t see.”

“What? The light’s...” I looked up to see that the light bulb was off. “Oh yeah. The light switch is to the right.” She reached up and flipped it, letting her see what my messed up eyes already could.

“So… what’s that thing?” she asked as she pushed the door shut behind her and started walking down. She was looking at the generator.

“Industrial hair dryer. The naga likes them for some reason. Come on.”

She followed me for a few more steps before it clicked. “But… the naga doesn’t have hair…”

“I know, that’s why it’s so weird. It’s no problem, though. Just don’t ask him about it; he’s sensitive about his strange habits.”

“Okay…”

When we finally got to the spring room, we found that the naga was nowhere to be seen. “Now, this pool thing is deep. Very deep. You know how to swim, right?” She slowly nodded, looking down into the pool. “Good. Now, can you get started? I need to go talk to another guest I have. I told her I’d be back in an hour, an hour ago. I should be able to get down here quickly.”

“I can wash most of myself.”

“Cool. I’ll be down soon, then. And don’t worry, this place isn’t haunted.” It did seem kind of spooky, with the sound of the water echoing in the cave and the light playing off the water and spreading around the place.

“I… wasn’t scared,” she whispered, looking around.

“Cool.” I set the gun and the shirt down as a hint to the naga that she wasn’t an intruder if he got back before I did. Fluttershy eased into the water as I started back up and out of the dark cellar.

Cadance was waiting for me in the kitchen, where she belonged. “Two things. First, who’s the new guest? Doppel mentioned somepony?”

“A friend of mine. She won’t sell you out, trust me.”

“I just wish that you had asked me first, Nav. Shiny could have checked up on her! I know most of the ponies that planned the attack were caught, but I don’t want to risk my foal…”

“I know. But I also know Vinyl. She’s mostly harmless.”

“Okay. I trust you know what you’re doing with her. But I don’t trust that you know what you’re doing with Fluttershy. First you say you don’t want her, and now here you are helping her! Nav, I went and talked to her on your behalf already. She didn’t take it well. If you truly don’t want her, doing this isn’t a good way of showing it.”

“I’m just helping her. Have you ever had fleas? They aren’t fun.”

“By giving her a bath? And I see all that yellow fur on your legs. I bet you were brushing her coat, weren’t you?”

“Combing it, actually. It knocked loose a lot of fleas.”

“Navarone, as your friend and as the princess of love, it is my job to tell you that you are being foolish.”

I pulled the cellar door shut and crossed my arms. “Alright. Tell me what to tell her to show her that I’m not interested. What more can I really do, aside from straight up tell her?”

“Offer to help her get a special somepony. You don’t actually have to do it, but if you word it correctly, you can make sure she knows you don’t consider her anything more than a friend.”

“You’re surprisingly good at this.”

“And I find the entire idea abhorrent. If you weren’t leaving Equestria, I would never even consider this. You and Fluttershy would make a good couple and I hate myself for helping you avoid it.”

“Trust me, you get used to hating yourself after a while. Now, I need to go check on Vinyl so I can help Fluttershy and hopefully get her off my case.”

Cadance just rolled her eyes and went back to attempting to feed her little brat. “Open wide for the train!” I left before I could see the reaction, knowing that Cadance would clean any mess her kid made. Of course, as long as I wasn’t around, Skyla would be a perfect angel.

So off I went to make sure Vinyl was being good and not… “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, standing at the door of my office with the puppy wagging his tail next to me.

She jerked her head toward me so quickly that her goggles slid off her face. She stared at me like a fat kid stuck in front of a train, her eyes wide as saucers. One of her hooves was in an inappropriate place and she was sitting on my desk in a very Lyra-like fashion.

“…This is exactly what it looks like.”

“You masturbating to “Breathe in Air”?”

“Yes.”

I rolled my eyes before stepping inside, closing the door in front of the puppy. “I have ten minutes.”

A few minutes later, I left a much more relaxed Vinyl in my office with an enlarged playlist, since she seemed really pleased with chillstep. I walked right on back down to the kitchen. “Nav, what’s that on your face?” Cadance asked.

“Mare juices. My guest was feeling frisky.”

“And you’re going to help Fluttershy with that dripping down your chest?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?”

She just sighed and shrugged. I walked on down to the cellar. Fluttershy flinched when I stepped inside, quickly moving to cover her chest for some reason. I looked at her hooves for a moment before turning an incredulous look to her face. She grinned sheepishly, blushing and moving her hooves.

Then she noticed the fluids on me. “What’s that?” she asked, shifting in the water.

“My guest was rather enthusiastic.” I did a quick pocket check before sliding into the water. “So what is there left to wash?” I asked after a quick dunk.

“What do you mean, enthusiastic?” she whispered.

“Eh, you don’t want to hear about that. I suppose you need me to wash your back?”

“Would you please tell me?” She even tried the cute, innocent triple blink thing on me.

“How about this: I’ll tell you when you find yourself a good stallion—or mare, if you’re into that. Hell, I can even help you find a special somepony, or whatever you guys call them.”

“N-no, that’s—”

“I know a lot of stallions would probably be interested. I’d be happy to help you find someone. I’m not looking for myself and I know it’s fun looking, so just say the word.”

Her ears seemed to fall back with each word until they were lying against her head. “N-no thanks…”

“Then let’s get rid of those fleas. You’ll definitely never attract a good stallion if you make them itch whenever you’re around.”

“Okay,” she whispered, holding out the shampoo. She reached out with one of her front legs and grabbed the side of the pool so she wouldn’t sink while I was applying the shampoo.

“So you want to do this the easy and awkward way, the easiest way that also involves a mess, or the unnecessarily annoying way?”

“Which is the easiest?”

“Both of us getting out, me lathering up your body, and you jumping in.”

“The regular easy way?”

“Me straddling your back and applying it that way.”

“…The annoying way?”

“Doing the entire thing underwater through air transfer.”

“Um, how would that even work?”

“I can sort of breathe underwater. One of the perks of being a half-wallflower.” Or a tree, I guess. But it’s mostly the voice I have in my head.

The voice that decided to make itself known. “You realize that air transfer involves kissing her, right?”

Oh fuck. Well, she doesn’t know that.

“The easy way seems fun… I mean, I don’t want to make a mess, after all.”

I sighed and nodded at the side of the pool. “Turn around and hold onto the side, then. You’re going to steadily be scooting up to make it easier on me.”

“Okay.” She did as I asked, leaving the shampoo bottle floating. I grabbed it with one hand and one of her withers with the other, pulling myself onto her back and latching on with my legs around her flanks

“You already get your mane?” She weakly nodded. I popped the shampoo bottle open and squeezed some onto my hands before setting the bottle on the side. “I still say you could get just about anyone to do this,” I said as I started gently rubbing it into her back.

“Nopony with fingers, though,” she moaned, her wings twitching.

I looked down at those wings. “So do fleas get in wings, too?”

Immediately after asking that, I flew off her back from the force of her wings shooting straight out. It took a few seconds for it to register what happened. When it did, I pulled myself out of the water to find Fluttershy looking very flustered and trying to force her wings down.

“I-I-I… Please don’t hate me!”

“You took care of me when I was hurt and you helped me learn how to use my wings. It’s only fair that I help take care of you now that you’re in need. Now turn back around and let’s get on with this. And remember: It’s only weird if you let it be.”

She gulped very loudly before turning back around, her wings still sticking straight out. “At least this gives me something more to hold onto,” I said as I reattached myself to her back. She just whimpered as I continued applying the soap to her back.

She slowly relaxed again, her wings going limp and somewhat floppy instead of sticking straight out or folded against her back.

The naga slithered in when I had Fluttershy mostly out of the water and was applying soap to her flank. “Ah, human, it is good to see you finally took the yellow one as a mate.”

And I went soaring back into the pool as Fluttershy’s entire body jerked, kicking me and shooting her wings out again. She was stammering something as I resurfaced, spewing water. “What?” I asked, cutting off Fluttershy’s confused stammers.

“It is customary for naga mates to wash each other. Is it not the same for ponies and humans?”

“Well, some couples do that, but it’s not really customary. We also occasionally help our kids or our friends wash.” But not usually the second one. “We aren’t together. I’m just helping her with a problem.”

“You are helping wash her. Alone. In the dark, somewhat romantic light of this cavern. And you are washing her backside. And you say you two are not mates?”

“Yes, that is what I say. Is there a problem?”

“I think the two of us need to have a talk one of these days. Anyway, I will wait to make you practice for now. I need to hunt anyway.” Fluttershy ‘eeped’ at that. “My apologies for interrupting you.” And just as quickly as he entered, he left.

I waded back to Fluttershy and continued rubbing the shampoo into her nice plump ass. I think she wanted to say something about what the naga had said, but lost whatever she was going to say when I began touching her again.

“Don’t mind him,” I said, gripping her tail to steady myself in the water. “Naga have some very weird customs. And we’re almost done, thankfully.”

She whispered something that I didn’t hear and shifted slightly. I started moving down her legs, leaving the weird part for later.

Unfortunately, later has to come eventually. “Alright, Fluttershy. We’re down to the most awkward part. Let’s make this quick, shall we?”

Before she could answer, I lifted her tail up and spread the soap around places I wasn’t supposed to touch. She flinched and almost sent me back again, but I was holding on tightly to her tail and just continued lightly molesting her and trying to get the soap wherever a flea might try to hide.

When the unpleasant task was finished, I gripped her tail with both hands and used my legs to push back from the wall, pulling her into the water by her tail. She squealed as she hit the water and I let her tail go so she could flail around, getting all the soap off of her in the funniest way possible.

When she finally stopped jerking around, I was chilling out on the other side of the spring. She slowly turned her head toward me. “Still itching?” I asked.

She lost her look of concentration for a short time before slowly nodding. “I… think they’re gone.”

“Well, you’re welcome to stay the night here just in case. No reason to risk starting the infestation all over again.”

“Oh, I don’t want to impose!”

“You’re too quiet to impose on anything. You’d just be sleeping in one of the rooms and then leaving in the morning.”

“I… I don’t know…”

“Eh, no one sleeps in my room and it’s far away from the foal, so that’ll do.” I pushed myself out of the water. “Whenever you get out and dried off, come on back up. I’ll probably be in my office on the third floor.” In hindsight, I should have grabbed some towels while I was up there…

That didn’t bother me, though; I grabbed my rifle and my shirt and started walking back up. Sure I was dripping, but there weren’t any carpets in the areas I was going to be walking through.

Cadance was no longer in the kitchen, but thankfully Taya was. She jumped when she heard the door to the cellar open, but relaxed when she saw me. “Hey, do you know how to dry someone off?” I asked.

“I could try.”

My eyes widened. “No thanks! I’ll just go find a towel.”

“You don’t… trust me?”

“The first thing that comes to my mind when drying someone off is using heat. If you don’t know how to do it, I don’t want you to start on me. We’ve been through what could happen once and I don’t want to be even more of a tree than I already am. If you’re still in here when Fluttershy comes out, don’t jump at her. She’d probably freak out and fall down the stairs.”

Flo sighed. “Dammit, Nav.” I blinked, not understanding why Flo was pissed. “You just had to tell her you thought she’d go and kill you again.”

Taya didn’t look like she thought I meant that at all. She was looking back at whatever she was making. I just shrugged and kept walking, hoping no one slipped and broke something on the water trail I was leaving behind.

It didn’t take me long to get to my bathroom, where I promptly dried off and put some shorts back on. I didn’t bother with a shirt, because why would I? I unloaded the rifle and popped the one in the chamber. When I was back in business, I went next door to where Vinyl was listening to “The Storm” by someone called Draper. I let the wolf in and pushed the door shut, walking over to the other side of the desk and sitting down.

I waited for the song to end before saying, “Stop.” The music stopped. “That’s enough of that one genre, I think.”

“I love humanity,” Vinyl said, slowly taking off her glasses. “If this is what you humans can do, I want to be wherever you come from.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I started looking for another of the playlists I made up for her. “Here we go. What do you know about rock?”

“Uh, they’re hard and good for throwing?”

“But not if you live in a glass house.” I clicked play. “This here is what we call rock and roll. It’s not nearly as calm as most of those songs, but it might be that new sound some of your friends were looking for.” After what she told me, I loaded up “Johnny Be Goode” first. It got progressively harder. Vinyl was bobbing her head and taking notes or something. I was content to just lean back and listen, happy to finally hear some of the music I had been so long without.

Some time later, I heard a very gentle tapping on my door. “Pause,” I regretfully said. “Come on in, Fluttershy!” The door slowly pushed open and we got to see Fluttershy standing in her birthday suit. “Fluttershy, meet Vinyl. She’s one of my other guests.”

“Um, we’ve met,” Fluttershy said.

“Yeah, I remember you! You’re the mare that doesn’t talk!”

“That’s accurate,” I said, nodding. “Fluttershy, you don’t really have to quarantine yourself here. It was just an offer. If you do want to stay, I have a study somewhere on the first floor where you can find plenty of books to read. I would offer to let you stay up here, but I have business with Vinyl.”

Fluttershy’s eyes flicked to Vinyl and she blushed deeply. “I… I think I’ll just go home. Thank you for the help, Nav.”

“No problem, Fluttershy. You’re always welcome here if you need anything else.”

“O-okay…” She stood at the door for a few seconds more before awkwardly walking away.

Vinyl turned back to me and said, “That mare needs to get laid.”

“Yeah. Play.” The music kicked back on and Vinyl used her magic to shut the door again.

The next morning, Spike showed up at my place with the crossbow awkwardly strapped to his back and a quiver over a shoulder. He may be a lot bigger than when I got to Equestria, but he was still too small to be using straps and stuff designed for me. It would take him a little while to grow into it.

“Hey Nav. You wanted to talk?”

I was about to go hunting anyway. “Yeah. Let’s walk, shall we?”

“Uh, okay?” I stepped out of the house, pulling the door shut behind me and the puppy and lifting up my rifle to load it and chamber a round. “What’s that?” he asked as he watched me operate it.

“The reason I was able to give you that crossbow. You’ll learn more about it and some other things if you decide to take me up on my offer. Let’s go hunting.”

“Awesome!” He immediately pulled the crossbow up and began pulling the string back, but I stopped him.

“If you’re going to be carrying that around, there are some things you should know. First, don’t load it until you think you’re about to enter a place where you’ll need it. So never leave it loaded in town. Second, don’t dry fire it; if you’re going to cock it back, you have to shoot a bolt off with it. If you aren’t shooting it at something you want to kill, use a practice bolt into the ground for decocking. Third, never point it at something you aren’t willing to pull the trigger on. Fourth, don’t carry it around everywhere. Sure, it’s useful to be ready to defend yourself, but you don’t want to worry any of the ponies by having a weapon.”

“Nav, I’m a dragon. I worry the ponies by existing.”

“No, a dragon they don’t know would do that. You’re the cute and loveable Spike that would never harm a pony. Carrying a weapon around might ruin that very useful image you have. Now let’s go.”

I started walking to the gate. He jumped to follow me and did his best to keep pace. “Normally I fly in, but we do have some important things to discuss. I have an offer for you, Spike. But first, I need you to give me your word that you will stay silent about all that we discuss here. That means telling no one unless I give you permission.”

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“I won’t tell you until you agree to tell no one.”

“Alright, I won’t tell anypony. You have my word!”

“Excellent.” I pumped my air rifle, stopping in front of the forest. “Load up. We’re about to enter dangerous territory.”

“You made me wait just to get in front of the forest?”

“Yes. Now load it.” He rolled his eyes and did so. “I’m leaving Equestria at the start of spring and I won’t be back for a while.” He gasped. I nodded and started walking into the forest. “I’m going on a long journey away from Equestria to look for some important things. I’m offering you a spot on my crew.” He had been automatically following me, but stopped when I made that offer. I turned back to look at him.

“Really? Why me?” he asked.

“Look at yourself, Spike.” He took a second to look down as I continued, “You’re a dragon in a pony country. You belong here less than I do. I’m offering you a chance to see what’s out there, beyond this herbivore’s paradise. Dragons thrive on violence and combat. You’ll find little of either here. I’m offering you a chance to find out more about yourself. And if you don’t like what you find, you are welcome to leave my crew at any time. I’ll pay for you to get back to Equestria.” He was silent for about half a minute, looking away from me. “You don’t have to answer now. I just need an answer before winter, so I can know if I need more supplies. I will allow you to talk to Twilight about it, because she already knows. Don’t talk to anyone else about it. Promise me you’ll think about it, Spike. I wouldn’t mind having another close friend with me.”

“I’ll… think about it,” he finally said.

“Good. Now let’s go kill something, shall we?”

A note from Discord

I sighed as I leaned back on my throne, clutching at my skull with both hands as I wondered how things had come to this. “It should be impossible,” I whispered.

I thought back to what I remembered of the time before I tried to wipe out humanity, the events that kicked off the disorder I needed. I thought back to the MacCraig family.

Jessica made a big mistake when she let that family stay in their little home after taking Navarone away. As it turns out, Irish Catholics are very vocal about angels being kidnapped by what looked like government agents storming the place. And since they had very well hidden cameras set up around their house, footage of the event was put on the internet immediately. Within a month, it was the talk of every major news agency. A year later, tensions were brewing everywhere. Soon enough, war was the only option.

And so died a mighty race, killed by the great and almighty Discord by their own weapons.

…Or so I thought. Several bunkers survived, created by several different companies and a few governments. There was too little chaos and Discord in the world. For once, everyone was getting along with the mutual goal of survival. They knew humanity was either dead or would never be the same, but they had ideas for what to do, ideas for a future.

Ideas given to them by one time traveling living construct.

When I created Navarone, when I started the little game with Celestia… Had I known that it was the catalyst that killed humanity, I would have rather risked a time paradox than start the game.

Learning that my attempt at suicide had been thwarted by none other than myself was enough for me to decide to throw one of my pawns sooner than I had anticipated…

Chapter Seventy-Nine—Bed rest with no sexy nurse? Blasphemy

Chapter Seventy-Nine—Bed rest with no sexy nurse? Blasphemy!

I don’t know how I woke up. I’ve survived too many things that should have killed me. Getting stabbed in the heart should have fucking done it.

I groaned, a hand automatically going to my head as my eyes opened and the light flooded in. At this point, I knew better than to even try sitting up; I’ve been in enough hospital beds to know that sitting up before the doctor tells you to is not a good idea.

The hand that wasn’t blocking the light from my eyes was nuzzled by something furry. I gently caressed it, happy that I could feel no pain. “Taya?” I whispered, expecting the furry thing next to me to be her.

“Yes, daddy?” she just as quietly answered.

“I get healed yet?”

“Not quite,” another voice answered, stepping into the room. I actually didn’t recognize that one, but I didn’t bother trying to look up. “You aren’t in pain because we were able to seal it off, but Blueblood was using a magic we have never seen before. Your wound is unhealable, though it seems to be doing well on its own.”

“I was wearing the ring,” I said, my voice picking up in volume. “I was immune to magic.”

“It seems that your ring is imperfect,” the pony answered. “Even Princess Celestia was surprised by this. If there had been anything left of Blueblood, he would have been questioned very thoroughly.”

“…Anything left?” I asked, my eyes finally opening. Without sitting up, I couldn’t see much more than the ceiling, but it was good to see again at all.

“Yes, anything left. There was little but ash. I will go tell Princess Celestia that you are awake. I believe she wants to speak to you.”

Before I could say anything, I heard the pony walking out. So instead I sighed. “Taya, what happened?”

“It… it was horrible, daddy.”

“Trust me, I know. I got stabbed.” Speaking of which, I made sure I could still move my legs. When they responded to my demands—sluggishly, though I attributed that to the painkillers—I knew my spine was okay. “So what happened?”

When she didn’t answer, I used the hand that wasn’t on her head to prod the area around my wound. I knew it would have been expertly taken care of, but I was somewhat interested in pony healing methods when magic failed. From the feel of things, they were very similar to human healing methods. I think I was stitched up, but I could barely feel them with the bandage in the way.

“I would not pick at that, were I you,” Celestia said, walking in. “Though I must say, it is good to see you moving. Taya, would you wait outside, please? I will not take long, I promise.”

I could feel her tense up at my side, so I said, “I’ll be fine, Taya. I’m not going anywhere. It’ll be just a moment.”

She slowly walked out without a word.

“Well, there is good news and bad news, Navarone,” Celestia said when the door slid shut. “Your daughter has a cutie mark now. She got it by killing Blueblood.”

I sighed, feeling my body sinking into the bed. “Such disappointment… I wanted better for her. Now she’ll be defined as someone that specializes in… killing. It seems I truly was a terrible father.”

We sat in silence for a few moments before she continued, “I don’t suppose you would happen to know anything about the chaos at the Gala?”

“Is that the part where I got stabbed?”

“No. The part where everypony was drugged.”

“Then no.”

“Uh huh.” I saw something float toward me until it resolved itself as a close-up of her freaky face, hair jutting out. Not shown was Fleur or where her hair was. “And I assume you know nothing of this, either?” I let my vision zone out to see that it was on the front page of a newspaper.

“It looks like someone took a picture of you in the middle of sex,” I said.

“And who, exactly, do you think took that, Navarone?”

“No clue. Look, can we stop with this twenty questions bullshit? I just got stabbed in the fucking heart. I have no clue where I am, I have a hole in my chest, and I’m not in the mood to deal with your shit.”

“You’re in the unicorn tower outside of Canterlot. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. The magic Blueblood used to put you here has some unpleasant implications. Tests were and are being run on you to see if my suspicions prove accurate.”

“When can I leave?”

“You’ll be allowed to check out tomorrow. You’ll still be bed-ridden, but at least you can be at home. I believe you’ll have a number of caretakers there. And if the griffin princess was as taken with you as she seemed, she’ll likely be one of them.”

“I seem to have a thing for high-class women. Is there anything else you need?”

“Nothing in particular. Get well soon, Nav. I fear you’ll need your strength for the coming storm.”

That was ominous and I knew she wanted me to ask about it, but I was down to the naga’s level of fucks given, so I just closed my eyes again, trying to get some manner of rest. I wasn’t in pain and I didn’t feel particularly tired, but at the same time I also didn’t really feel like moving.

When she was bored of waiting for an answer, she left. Taya immediately let herself inside, walking over to my bedside. “How do you feel?”

“Heartbroken.” She let out a giggle before she could stop herself. “I’m fine, Taya. I’m not really in any pain thanks to the magic. I also don’t really feel tired, oddly. Hungry, though.”

“I can go find a nurse!” I don’t know if she was eager to help or eager to get away so she didn’t have to see me like this.

Flo finally made herself known with, “You need to eat, Nav. I was only able to do so much. Without more materials to work with, I can’t accelerate the healing process.”

“That would be nice, thank you. Tell whoever you find to bring me something high in protein. I think I’ll need the energy.”

“Yes, daddy.” She bounded out of the room, happy to help.

“Now that the immediate danger is gone,” Flo said, “we need to talk about what Blueblood did.”

“He stabbed me in the chest. What more do you want?”

“I know that. I was there, after all. But a magic that I’ve seen before lingers in the wound. The same kind of magic that seals my prison. The kind of magic used by the element of chaos. Yes, it is possible that it spread and it’s used elsewhere now, but I believe it more likely that the element of chaos is still working in the background.”

“The same element of chaos that presumably killed the humans.”

“And is known now as Discord,” she added. “Without talking to Reginald and gathering more information, we can’t know for sure. But from the looks of things, Discord is active in the world, not confined to a statue.”

“One piece of evidence does not make proof.”

“His statue is hollow, Navarone. An ally of the pony that put him in that statue was attacked with chaotic magic by someone that was healed of a malady the princesses couldn’t cure. This same person was corrupted away from Celestia somehow. And yourself, Navarone. You had dreams of this Discord before we met, though you may not remember him. Do you truly consider all of this coincidence?”

“I’ll wait until I talk to Reginald to decide. If it is true, what can the ponies even do about it? I’d rather know more before doing anything.”

“So be it. Having the elementals to help them in the fight with Discord would be a huge boon for the ponies.”

“And even if he is free… Well, there’s nothing I can do about it. Once I tell Celestia, I have no part in that fight.”

“I know, Navarone. You are intelligent, strong, and useful, but you cannot fight Discord.”

“The worst part of being a pawn is being expendable…”

“But if you live long enough to get to the other side, you might just become the most powerful piece out there.”

“If.” I was saved further answering by the entrance of Taya.

“I found a nurse,” she said. “He’ll be here soon with food.”

“Thanks, Taya. Do you know what time it is?”

“Almost night time. After you eat, you should get some rest.”

“I will.” For the first time since I woke up, I gingerly lifted my head up, testing the waters. When I felt no pain, I tried lifting my upper body. I went slow and steady, since there was no need to hurry. When I could finally look around the room well enough, I looked over to my daughter. My eyes immediately went to her new cutie mark, two blue lightning bolts crossing over each other. God, what have I done? “How’s it feel?” I asked.

“It was… warm, at first. But now it just feels the same as before.”

“That’s not what I meant. Your first real kill. Like so many things, you can never go back. How does it feel?”

“He was bad. He deserved it.” No regret, no looking back. Should I be ashamed of the path I led her on, or proud that she’s taking it as well as possible?

“You should always be proud,” Flo told me. “You didn’t want it for her, but it’s what she has. You need to support her in it.”

“You feel better than I did after my first. I didn’t even know his name… He has plentiful company now, though. I hope you will learn from my mistakes and learn that while killing may be easier, it is almost never the best option. Their eyes will be with you forever, though the guilt and pain will fade in time. But that’s enough depressing talk, I believe. I trust Twilight knows of your new talent?”

“She does, and she’s happy that she has a whole new range of things to teach me.” I can’t very well ask Twilight not to teach her combat magic now that her cutie mark is fucking combat magic.

“I’m sure. Do you have a room here?

“I’ve been sleeping next to you.”

“Where’s all of my stuff?”

“Some of the unicorns are experimenting with your sword. They tried taking your ring, but I wouldn’t let them.” She reached a hoof up to her hair, where I saw the ring dangling.

I grinned down at her. “Thank you, Taya. Hold onto it for now. I don’t want to risk the painkilling spell disappearing if I put it on.”

“Okay, daddy. And Featherweight was very happy with those pictures you gave him. It was… kind of creepy. His tiny wings were all extended and pulsing.”

“Do you know what was in the pictures?”

“No, and I didn’t care. I was happy enough to be away from him, especially when he started begging me for more.”

“At least your debt is paid, then. Do you know if the griffin princess is still in Equestria?”

“She and her father are both still here. They decided to wait until you woke up to leave.”

“That was certainly nice of them. There’s a pretty good chance the princess will be staying with us for a few days.”

She sighed. “Another one? Daddy, I think you might have a problem saying no.”

“Hey, I don’t want it known that I’m a tease. So what if that means I give in a little easily?”

“…What?”

“Human joke. Don’t worry about it. What’s taking that damn nurse so long?” I mean, Blackberry was crazy as fuck, but at least she was always in a hurry.

“You want me to go look for him?”

“Nah. So who all knows what happened, anyway?” Taya used her magic to pass me the newspaper that Celestia left behind. I flipped it over from Celestia’s crazed sex face to find a headline screaming, ‘Past Prince Pikes Passive Paladin!’ “I hate this alliteration bullshit,” I muttered as I read through the article. “Well, it looks like this Gala was a failure for all parties involved.” Except maybe the griffins.

I flipped the paper back over and took a minute to read the article about Celestia. From the looks of it, Fleur was very vocal about her enjoyment, though she didn’t like that she was cheating on her husband. I snorted at that and smiled at the fact that Celestia and her public relations team—if she even has one—issued no response at all.

When I finally set the paper down, I saw that a nurse had entered and apparently left a tray of food that Taya was now levitating. As soon as she realized that I saw it, she gently landed it on my lap. “Thank you, Taya. Though from the looks of things, hospital food has not increased in quality since the last time I was in one.”

“If you don’t eat, I’ll have to feed you,” Taya warmly said, making her horn light up. I sighed and began forcing down the mush, whatever it was supposed to be. It was more tasteless than anything, but I really didn’t want to be force-fed with magic.

When I finished, a thought occurred to me. “Hey, when’s the last time you ate?”

“Before you woke up.” That was a little bit too quick. I narrowed my eyes, but she didn’t budge.

“Don’t lie to me, Taya.”

“It was before you woke up!”

“How long before I woke up?” She looked away and mumbled something. “Go to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I need some rest anyway. Trust me, I ain’t going nowhere in this state.”

“Do I have to?”

“You can’t take care of me if you get sick from not eating.”

She sighed and looked down. “Okay, daddy… I love you.”

That was unexpected. “I love you too, Taya.” I rubbed her head affectionately for a moment—hugging would be a bad idea—before removing my hand. “Now go on. The sooner you eat, the sooner you can come back.”

She took a moment to stand up and grab my tray before sighing again and walking out. She did her best to do it in a petulant manner. When she was finally gone, I let myself sink back into the bed, the simple act of sitting up and eating exhausting to me. “I shouldn’t be this tired,” I whispered. “What did that spell do to me?”

“Navarone, you can’t just recover from something like that, not without magic,” Flo answered. “Even with the help of me and your biology, this is going to take time. Just get plenty of rest and try not to do anything overly strenuous. I suggest against engaging in anything carnal for a few weeks.”

“You’re killing me here, Flo.”

“I did not bring you back from death’s edge to watch you kill yourself on Doppel, as amusing as it is to watch you treat her like that. Just don’t have sex with her for a few weeks, Nav.”

“I’ll try. If she holds me down and forces me, though… Well, you won’t hear me complain.”

“Ugh. If you truly need to be satisfied, I can probably help. I don’t think your doctor will require you stay up all night if you are just going to be in bed. You will probably get something to make you sleep.”

“You say that like you wouldn’t enjoy it.”

“I mean what I’m about to say with all due respect. Navarone, you are a slut. I don’t want to anger you, but what the therapist in the bunker said was correct. You need to begin abstaining. You are using the sex as a painkiller. This will not help you get better. I would suggest getting mental help, but there doesn’t seem to be any ponies that specialize in it. You may have to go to the land of the griffins to find someone to help you, but it would be worth it.”

“I know. And you’re right. But to be quite honest, I don’t care. I like to think that I have earned the right to do as I please.”

“If you refuse to do this for your own benefit, as foolish as that is, then what of Taya? How do you think she feels, to know her father sleeps with so many women? How does she feel to have no mother and a father that considers her second to his own base desires?”

“Want me to ask her when she gets back? You know I will.”

“You’re shameless.” I think she meant that as an insult. “You and I both know that she would tell you whatever she thought you wanted to hear. That girl is devoted to you. You can think you deserve whatever you want, but that does not change the fact that you are a parent with responsibilities. You spend as little time with her as you can and justify it by saying she needs to make friends. That’s true, but you know what would be better for her? Having a father who gave a damn. Having a father who spends time with her. Having a father who was better than yours.”

I didn’t answer, but I was rather displeased at what she said. I didn’t ask for the responsibility of a daughter. I know that doesn’t change the fact that she is my responsibility anyway and that I need to take care of her, but fuck, man… I was hoping she was old enough to not need or want me around too much, but in the time that I was waiting, I was left with no option but that of thinking.

And so I thought back, remembering my interactions with Taya. My limited interactions… I didn’t spend nearly enough time with her. Oh, I usually had good reasons for not doing it, but that didn’t change the fact that I didn’t spend enough time with her. I already knew that I didn’t, but what I didn’t realize was that Taya wanted more time with me. I thought she was mostly okay with it. Thinking back, she obviously wasn’t.

I sighed to myself, knowing that there were really only three options. The first was spending more time with her. The second was getting her a mom—which wasn’t going to happen any time soon, at least not by marriage. The third was staying the path and trying to make her get friends instead.

Given that Twilight was going to be taking up a good chunk of her time by cramming combat magic in her head, there was really only one option I could take. I knew I had to make a choice and that I had to make it soon.

Thankfully, I had an indefinite amount of time of bed rest, wherein I would be able to spend all the time she was willing to give me with her. Who knows? Maybe we’d find something in common that would make me actually want to spend more time with her instead of seeing it as a responsibility.

God, I’m such a terrible person…

While I was attempting to think of amusing things we could do while I was stuck in bed, the door cracked open. I lifted my head to see if Taya was back, but it was only a nurse. “It’s time for your sleep, Sir Navarone,” the guy said, walking in further.

“Do you think you can wait a few minutes? My daughter should be back in soon.”

“I’m afraid not. Doctor’s orders.”

I sighed and let my head back down. “Do what you have to do, then. How long should I be out?”

“Until your body wakes you up. It’ll be between eight and twelve hours.” I could see a smattering of light from his horn as he approached me. “Sweet dreams…” he quietly said before I felt unconsciousness tugging at me.

I woke up on top of Flo. “So you said you could help me with a few certain needs these next few weeks,” I said, gently swirling my wings in her watery mass.

“I might be able to help you. I’ll have to watch your heart rate, to make sure it doesn’t pick up too much while you’re asleep. With the wound’s location, you can’t afford to get excited or let your heart rate spike at all.”

“So basically I’m fucked.”

“Nope.” I just sighed, settling in.

“So, suggestions for what to do?”

“Well, I could make this process seemingly instantaneous, like your nights in the bunker. Or I could show you calm things from my…” She slowly stopped talking. I looked up at her, wondering what the problem was. She was looking around her glade in confusion. “Something’s wrong. Someone is trying to force their way in.”

“Someone is what? Do you think Taya is trying to wake me up?”

“No, that would be different… This is… Luna.” My eyes jerked open wide and I tried sitting up before her water trapped me. “Stay calm, Navarone. I can keep her out for a few minutes. I would make you wake up, but I can’t, not without risking spiking your heart. Remember, Nav: This is your dream. She may be more experienced with dream walking, but you have all the same powers she does. The machine is attuned to you, after all. I will help as I can and I can still communicate with you through your thoughts.”

“Help me up,” I said, my voice sounding strangely calm for as terrified as I felt.

“Are you sure you can stand?”

“Yes. Just help me up. Be ready to help me if I need you.” She slowly pushed me to my feet, making sure I stayed on balance. When I was upright, I envisioned a shotgun loaded with buckshot and pulled it to me as I had in the dream world. It wasn’t a bolter, but it would do the job just as well. “Let her in.”

The glade seemed to grow darker as a hole opened somewhere outside of the trees. I could feel some of Flo’s watery form sliding up my pants legs, embracing my body and helping to hold me upright. Luna slowly walked through the trees around the glade, pushing branches out of the way.

I think she might have been surprised when she found me standing in the center, alone. She grinned and opened her mouth to greet me.

I was suddenly five meters forward, the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth and me in a shooting stance. “You have defiled the one thing I hold sacrosanct. The one place I allow no one. You have until the count of three to leave, or we’ll find out what happens when you die in a dream.” Her horn lit up and I cocked the shotgun, rattling the barrel in her mouth and breaking her concentration. “One.” She pulled away from it and I clicked off the safety. “I swear to God I will do it. Two.”

“You wouldn’t da—”

I pulled the trigger. Given that it was no longer in her mouth but in front of her face, the front half of her head exploded into a fine red mist, throwing her body backwards. It disappeared before it hit the ground, taking all the blood and gore with it. I dropped the shotgun and fell to my knees, a hand supporting me and another on my heart.

“Deep breaths,” Flo whispered, slithering out of my clothes and embracing me. “Deep, slow breaths. A shotgun wasn’t the best weapon of choice.”

After a few breaths, I fell back on my ass. “Yeah, it wasn’t. But fuck if it didn’t get the job done. You want to bet the headlines tomorrow will say that Princess Luna had a brain embolism and died unmourned?”

“I’m afraid not. She is almost definitely still alive. I don’t think she will ever try approaching your dreams again, thou—Oh.” Her eyes narrowed. “Oh, it’s on. I trust you won’t mind if I take over this matter, Navarone?”

“Knock yourself out.”

“A certain princess is going to learn why you don’t mess with an elemental.” A small pool appeared underneath me and I felt myself being laid backwards. “Just relax. I will wear her out shortly.”

I nodded, closing my eyes. “Just be careful. If she finds out there’s someone else in here, she’ll ask questions.”

“I know.” I envisioned a camera over the new arena and connected it to my mind, letting me watch whatever was happening. Another hole opened and Luna entered again, fury written across her face. As soon as she stepped inside, she fell into a pit full of bubbling and steaming water. Her shrieks of pain and surprise were cut off by the hole sealing shut.

“One,” an angry Flo announced, as though she was counting victories.

Seconds later, another hole opened and Luna reentered, immediately catching a spike of ice through an eye, going completely through her head.

“Two.”

Another Luna appeared, her horn glowing and a shield immediately forming. Less than a second later, she started leaking blood from every orifice she had. Three seconds later, blood ripped away from her body, pulling away from her and dropping her to the floor, dead.

“Three.”

And another Luna, who began sprinting as soon as she hit the ground. She was caught with razor wire.

“Four.”

Another Luna, falling into a pit that looked like it led to a grinder.

“Five.”

Death by trip mine.

“Six.”

She sprinted again and tripped on a fallen log, breaking her neck.

“That counts. Seven.”

Electrocution. Explosive decompression (somehow). Mustard gas. She kept coming and Flo kept thinking of ways to kill her. It was the most amusing thing I had seen in a long time.

Finally, after over twenty attempts, she stopped. Flo brought herself back to where I was and slid over me, covering me up to my head in water. “I believe she will leave us alone for some time. I told you that I would protect you and your mind, Navarone, and I meant it.”

“And I thank you, Flo. I want as little to do with that crazy bitch as possible. Any words she has for me can be given to my waking face, while I’m wearing my ring or at least not injured. I gotta say, that was a pretty inventive use of sunflower seeds.”

“I had a long time to think about things,” she said by way of answer. “Now, shall we—Not again!” She pulled away from me but stopped. “This is… different.” She looked up at the sky for a moment. “Navarone, open your eyes.”

I did so and saw that there was a message written in stars: “I just want to talk.”

After thinking about it for five seconds, I closed my eyes again. “I don’t see a thing.” Flo apparently agreed, as she drifted back over me, giving me a watery blanket. “If Luna can invade my dreams like this, can I invade someone else’s? I wouldn’t mind giving a few certain people horrible nightmares.”

“It… might be possible, Nav, but you would need training to do it safely. What Luna just did to you, with the constant forced invasions and getting killed, was extremely risky. You would need someone to teach you how, and the only one that knows how is Luna.”

“Oh well. I suppose I have no real business in the minds of others anyway. Hell, how did Luna even get in here?”

“Now that I know this was her, I can tell that she’s been prodding around for a while, trying to figure out where your dreams were. It seems that she finally figured it out and let herself in.”

“She better not make this a common thing. If she starts bothering me again, I’m going to Celestia.”

“Do you really think Celestia will do anything to stop her sister?”

“No, but I would rather tell her anyway, just in case. Who knows? Maybe she’ll decide that I need some fairness.”

“Unlikely, but it’s cute that you think so.” I felt her body begin to warm up, the cocoon surrounding me heating my weary body. “I can protect you from Luna’s nightly intrusions, at least. The more she tries to attack, the more I will learn her methods and be able to stop her. If she continues, I might well be able to learn how she invades in the first place.”

“That’s a tough trade-off. Risk getting raped in my dreams for the possibility of being able to invade the dreams of others.”

“To be quite honest, I don’t think she wanted to do anything to you.”

“Should I let her in?”

“No. Do you let the wolf in the sheep’s pen if he promises to behave?”

“If I have a rifle against his head, I’d consider it.”

“Then it’s a good thing you were never a shepherd. You kill wolves on sight, Navarone. Except for Freki, I suppose.”

“For being a peaceful and loving water elemental, you’re very violent.”

“Maybe you rubbed off on me, then.”

“No, I just rubbed off in you. Speaking of which…”

“Ugh. No. I will not risk your health, not if the simple act of dealing with Luna put you on the ground. Just lie back and relax. Let me serenade you with something beautiful…” I sighed and did as she asked, letting her begin to sing as I slowly used clouds to cover the message Luna left me.

I woke up feeling stiff and sore, a dull pain slowly stretching across my chest. I tried moving both of my arms to clutch at it, but only one of them moved. I turned my head to the other arm, finding Taya clutching it as she slept. I really wanted to comment on how adorable that was, but I was in the middle of being in pain, so I abstained.

Instead I looked around for any way to call for a nurse or something. After some time of semi-frantically searching, I gave up. Flo, can you help me out here?

“I’m already doing everything I can. I could probably pull you back into your center if I absolutely needed to. It would slow your healing, though. Just relax and try to drift off again, if you can.”

I began trying to take deep breaths, hoping I could zone the pain out. However, you can’t zone out the pain of having a large hole in your chest. When the door finally opened, I was clutching at my chest and on the urge of waking Taya up to get me help.

The heavyset pony rushed to my bed and I looked up to see Luna’s horn lighting up. A moment later, a cooling sensation rushed into my chest, quickly dimming the pain. I slowly sighed, letting my hand fall away from my chest. “Thank you,” I whispered, closing my eyes and slowly relaxing again.

“You are hard to find alone, Navarone,” she just as quietly said, looking down at the sleeping form of Taya. Her gaze slowly moved to me and she continued, “Why did you not let me in?”

“My mind is my own. You and your sister have destroyed my body, my temple, but I will never allow you to break my mind. There are fates worse than death, and I promise that you will find yourself in one if you make another attempt to enter my mind without permission.”

“I see.” She didn’t sound very convinced. Her horn lit up and a flickering of magic surrounded Taya’s ears. Luna’s voice picked up in volume as she said, “I suppose it was impolite. I apologize, Navarone. Now, how do you feel?”

“Like I lost in a fight with an Aztec. Whatever that asshole did to me, I’m down and out. Probably will be for a while, too. Any spike in my heart rate and my vision starts darkening and I lose all my energy.”

“I can assign a caretaker and a regent for you and your land.”

“Pass. I’ll have Doppel, the naga, Cadance, and Taya. I think I can manage. I’ll be bedridden for a few weeks, but I can still make decisions.”

“Are you certain? I can—”

“I’m quite certain, thank you.”

“…Alright.” There was a silence that built up for a few seconds before she said, “So Bloodbeak and his daughter are still in Equestria. I believe they wanted to visit you before they left.”

“I know. Celestia told me. They’re both always welcome at my house, and since I’ll be going home today they can find me there.”

She jerked slightly, surprised. “You’re going back so soon? I thought they were doing more experiments!”

“Nope, or at least not according to Celestia. She said I’d be heading home today. Bedridden, of course, but I’d rather be in my own awesome bed than this one. I’d also rather be served by a changeling in a sexy nurse outfit than some random stallion.”

“It would probably be a great help to the doctors and unicorns here if you stayed. I could arrange a change in your bed and your nurse.”

I’m pretty sure she really wanted me to stay close enough to Canterlot that she could get away with visiting me. I was slightly tempted to take her up on her offer for the sole reason that I would have a constant visitor. But since I knew that at home I would have a few friends, Taya, and everyone else in my house, there was really no competition.

“I’d rather be home. If they want to do tests or whatever, they can do them from there. Being in a hospital is detrimental to my health.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, Nav.”

“My mental health, not my physical health. And it isn’t doing Taya any favors, either. She doesn’t like seeing me like this, and if I’m at home, it’ll help her forget that I’m on death’s edge.”

“I see. If there’s anything I can do to help you get better, just let me know.”

“I will. Before you go, there is one thing I’m wondering. I’m attuned to the dream device as well, correct?” She nodded. “Is it possible for me to learn to dreamwalk?”

Her eyes lit up and she quickly nodded again. “I can teach you! We can begin tonight, when you’re put to sleep!”

I quickly shook my head. “Dealing with your attempts to break in last night almost killed me, or at least made me lose control. I can’t do a thing right now. Another question: How did you even find my dreams? I thought that device was attuned to ponies only.”

“It is, in a way. But since you helped me break it in, it is also set up for humans. However, your mind is… vastly different from that of a pony’s. It took me months to figure out how to get inside. I was going to wait for the first day of fall to show you, but I figured this would be better.”

Yeah, that didn’t work out well for her. “Interesting. I trust you won’t make the same mistake again.”

She sighed, looking down for a moment. “Would it kill you to let me in, just once? Your mind and dreams are so interesting, Nav. The surface is a field of chaotic lava, a stream of wasps tearing my body to shreds as I tried to make sense of it. The deeper I got, the more insane and nonsensical things became… until I hit the center. I want to know how a center of serene calm that would put even my sister’s dreams to shame can exist in the mind of something so chaotic.”

“The eye of the storm,” I whispered, clenching my hand tightly. “When there is so little in your life that you can control, you feel your fist tightening around what little you have left until you own it so thoroughly that nothing can ever break in. That is my mind and I very much suggest you not touch it again.”

“As you wish… Do you think you will be healthy by Nightmare Night?”

“I honestly don’t know, Luna. I’ve never been this bad before, not without a way to fix me up. I’d say that I’ll probably be bedridden for another week, aside from short jaunts. After that, I’ll probably be on light duty for a few weeks, not doing much. I should be fine by then, yes, but honestly I don’t know. Those times are just estimates. For all I know, I’ll be out of things for months.” I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to months. I had too much shit to do to prepare for that.

“Hm…” Her eyes went back to Taya. More specifically, her cutie mark. “Navarone, I believe you know that Twilight Sparkle is my sister’s personal student.” Her eyes went back to mine. “I, too, can take a personal student.”

“The answer is no.”

“It’s not your choice to make. It is hers.”

“And her answer would be no.”

“I will ask her personally, thank you.” Before I could say anything, her horn lit up and her eyes went grey. Taya twitched in her sleep, clutching tighter at my arm. I used my other hand to gently brush at her hair until she calmed down and Luna returned to her body.

Luna turned around and left my room without a word. I really wish I knew what Taya had said.

A few minutes after Luna left, Taya woke up, stretching and finally letting my arm go. I tried reclaiming it, but she dropped her stretch and latched on again. “Hey, daddy,” she whispered.

“Hello, Taya. I’m going to need my arm back eventually. It’s too handy to let someone else have.”

“I can’t let you do too much, daddy. You need your rest, after all.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. I am still very capable of doing most everything I need done.”

“Only if I let you.”

“Don’t even joke about that, Taya.”

“Who’s joking? It seems that you can’t take care of yourself and you don’t have much self-preservation, so maybe someone else should take care of you.”

“And I’m sure you’d nominate yourself for the job.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll take your nomination into consideration.”

She shook her head. “Nope. Remember, you can’t take care of yourself. As your only family, it’s up to me to make decisions for you. I accept my nomination as your caretaker, and will begin immediately.”

“I don’t remember ever agreeing to this!”

“It wouldn’t matter if you did or didn’t. Remember, you can’t take care of yourself.”

“Taya, stop it.”

She let my arm go and rolled out of bed. “No. I’m going to take care of you, like it or not.” I reached for my pocket and my ring before I realized I didn’t have it. She lifted a hoof to brush at her mane, grinning as she emphasized that she still had my only salvation. “Now you just lay back and relax, daddy. I already got all the information from the nurses that I need to make sure you get nice and healthy, so we’re just waiting for you to get checked out now.”

I sighed, since there was no way I could deal with her delusional fantasies at the moment. And hell, it’s not like she would force me to do nothing all day. I just let myself ease back and relax, waiting for anything to happen.

It didn’t take nearly as long as I was expecting, thankfully. Some ten minutes later, a nurse walked in. “Ah, you’re both awake. Well, Sir Navarone, are you ready to check out?”

“I’m going to want all of my stuff back first.”

“Everything but your sword and your clothing was already sent home, sir. You will be given your sword as you leave.”

I slowly sat up, stretching and popping various joints as I did so. “Well, help me up. I don’t suppose you have a cane or something I can use?” The nurse’s horn lit up and a wheelchair rolled in from outside. “That also works. I gotta get over there first, though.” Taya’s horn lit up without warning and pulled me out of bed, removing the blanket from me. I tried to stay relaxed, but I really don’t like being handled by magic. When I was seated and the magic dissipated, I sighed. “Warn me next time, Taya. You know I don’t like being held like that.”

“Okay, daddy.”

The nurse walked over behind me and for some reason stood on his hind legs to begin pushing me. “The princess arranged for transportation for you and your daughter. You’ll be going by air, since the magic required for teleporting might be detrimental to your health after what you’ve been through.”

“Whoa, what about putting me to sleep or blocking the pain? Or hell, even Taya moving me?”

“Teleporting requires considerably more magic than any of those, Sir Navarone. You have a large buildup of it in your body at the moment after we tried and failed to heal you, and it needs to dissipate before anything large like teleportation is done to you.” He wheeled me to one of the teleportation circles they have set up in the tower. When the three of us were in the circle, he said, “Hangar.”

My eyes opened wide the instant before we teleported up and out. “Didn’t you just say I couldn’t fucking teleport?” I yelled when we reappeared.

“I forgot that you are unschooled. What we just did was blinking, not teleporting. Relax, Sir Navarone. You’ll be fine.”

I tried to school my heart rate and relax, but I was understandably pissed. I held my silence, though, since I knew complaining at this point would do nothing other than make me look like a dick.

When we got in front of a large door, a unicorn standing to the side of it stepped forward, floating my sword in its sheathe. “This is a remarkable weapon, Sir Navarone,” she said. “It belongs in a place where it can be properly studied.”

“If you want to study a magic weapon that isn’t being used, take the one from the museum, the spear. This sword is mine and is being used.”

The mare’s eyes narrowed slightly. “You’re lucky Princess Celestia agrees with you.” The sword floated over to me and I pulled it out of the air, setting it across my lap. “If it were up to me, that sword and that ring would both be here until we could replicate their effects.”

“That’s nice. Now get out of the way.” She huffed loudly and walked back the way we came without a word. The nurse pushed me through the door into a large hangar room. “She won’t be a problem, will she?” I quietly asked.

“There’s nothing she can do to you without the princess’s consent,” the nurse said, wheeling me toward a carriage with the royal insignia on it. When we stopped outside of it, the nurse walked over in front of me. “Now, I can’t stress this enough: Whatever you do, attempt to stay calm. You may not have a traditional heart anymore, but until you heal, you still don’t want to risk upsetting it more than it already has been. You’ll be bedridden for some time and because of that, you’ll need to be wary of bedsores. Your daughter here has been informed of what they are and how to prevent and deal with them. Apparently you don’t commonly eat that much, but that is going to change until you get better. You need a steady diet to keep up the energy your body needs to heal itself. And listen to your daughter. She knows what to do.”

“Most of that sounds easy.” The part about listening to Taya might be a pain, though. “Now, can you help me into this thing?”

Taya stepped forward, her horn starting to shine. “Up we go, Daddy.” My body lit up with an orange glow and I lifted off the wheelchair, carefully flying into the carriage. She followed me in and sat me down on one of the benches. The door clicked shut behind us and she took a seat, using magic to hold me steady as we began accelerating.

“It’s going to be a long few weeks, isn’t it?” I asked.

She grinned. “Time will just fly by!” I couldn’t help but sigh at that. She giggled, probably thinking I was joking. A week or more with no sex, hardly any moving, and probably minimal social contact did not sound fun to me.

When we got home and Taya got me outside of the carriage, one of the pullers got our attention. “Will you be alright here, sir?” he asked.

Taya turned me back around so I could answer. “Yeah. And thanks for the ride, guys.” They all nodded and the four of them started running again, pulling the carriage up and into the air.

Taya floated me through the gates and into my yard, where the naga and Cadance were waiting for me. Cadance was wearing a bright grin and the naga actually looked rather remorseful. “Welcome home!” Cadance happily said. I imagine she would have rushed forward to hug me if the bandage across my chest wasn’t glaringly obvious. No one had stopped to give me a shirt when I left, so I assumed it was forever lost. Not that it mattered, with two extra holes in it, but still.

“Hello, Cadance, naga. I trust you managed to not destroy anything in my absence?”

“Your house is fine, Nav,” Cadance said. “Doppel is making sure your room is ready right now.”

“Excellent. Naga, what’s wrong?”

He bowed low, arms across his chest in an x. “I failed you, brother. You offered to take me with you and I refused. Because of this, you were nearly murdered.”

“That’s not correct for a lot of reasons, but I know you’re not going to listen to me no matter what I say. So long story short, I forgive you. Now chill out. You have a few weeks off while I get back on my feet. I suggest going back home to visit your family. You haven’t seen them in a while and I’m sure they miss you.”

He shot back up straight. “And neglect my newfound duty of guarding you when you are most weak? Never.”

“Alright, whatever.” I know how arguing with people like him turns out. “Taya, get me inside.” We began moving again. “Cadance, I want you to know that it would be very bad for my health if there was a surprise party waiting inside for me. The shock could kill me.”

“Nopony knows you’re home but us,” she said. “We were waiting to tell anypony else for that very reason.”

“Thank you. Give me some time to get acclimated and then we can see about visitors. Unless Bloodbeak shows up. I’ll want to see him and his daughter whenever they get here.”

“They’re still coming by?” Cadance asked, following us in.

“According to Celestia, yeah. The princess and I have business and Bloodbeak probably just wants to make sure I’m well. Now, I’ll probably be bedridden for a week or two. Cadance, you’re in charge of everything the naga isn’t in charge of. Naga, you’re in charge of everything Cadance isn’t in charge of. I trust you two can sort that out.”

“And I’m in charge of you!” Taya happily said, still floating me ahead of her.

“If thinking that makes you feel happy,” I answered, rolling my eyes. Cadance smirked at that. “Cadance, how do you feel about sexy nurse outfits?”

“If you want to dress Doppel up like that, it’s your prerogative. I would only dress that way for Shiny, thank you.”

“More likely dress him up, I’d say.” That would be somewhat amusing to see and would be great for blackmail material. Especially if I threatened to give a copy of the picture to the night guard.

“What we do is hardly any of your business, Navarone.” Until you invite me to join you again.

When we finally got to my room, Cadance used magic to pull the blankets back from my bed while Taya gently placed me down. I assume it was Doppel that put a mountain of pillows or something so I could sit up and not spend the entire time on my back. As soon as I was down, Cadance opened the blinds and pushed the window open, letting sunlight and fresh air pour in.

“Thank you, both of you. Cadance, Taya never got breakfast. Would you kindly make sure that she eats?”

Taya glared at me for a second before looking to Cadance. “He hasn’t eaten either. The nurse said he can’t miss any more meals. And he also needs more protein, whatever that is.”

“I’ll make you both something,” she said with a cheeky grin. She left before I could say anything, though it’s not like I would stop her. Her cooking is pretty awesome, though I don’t know how well she would do with meat.

So it was just me, the naga, and Taya now. “Taya, go get my laptop. You’ll need the master key.”

“Yes daddy. If you move, you lose your self-feeding privileges.” She left, giving me time to wonder just what the fuck she meant.

“Ames, how much meat do you have stored?”

“Plenty. When I heard you were injured, I had little else to do but hunt.”

“Excellent. I trust you kept the pelts?”

He frowned, not really liking the idea of leather. “I already ‘cured’ them. Your instructions were not that difficult. I still say rope would work just as well.”

“Noted. So you’re not seriously going to go full tribal warrior life-bond on me, are you?”

“If, through one’s inaction, someone else comes to harm, the one that did not act is honor-bound to ensure the injured naga comes to no harm until they are fully well, and longer if the state of injury was as severe as yours.”

“So how long we talking here? Don’t get me wrong, you’re good company, but I’m going to a place where I don’t think a naga will be suited soon.”

“Then well-suited or not, I will be going with you.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m disappointed. You’ll hopefully be useful wherever the road takes us.”

“As do I, Cain.”

I was just about to ask him for some kind of battle story when Taya walked in, my laptop and the charger floating next to her. I didn’t like seeing it handled with magic like that, but since she didn’t really have any other way to hold it, I didn’t say anything. She levitated it over to my bed.

“Now, I need you to promise me you won’t do anything on it that’ll increase your heart rate,” she said in a disturbingly motherly tone.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” I said, grabbing at the laptop. She jerked it away from me. “Fine. I won’t kill myself with my laptop.”

“That’s better.” She gently set it down on my lap.

“Little hellion,” I muttered, turning the device on. It turned on quickly and my ‘to-do’ list immediately popped up. I moved ‘blackmail the naga into going with me’ to the done list. That was mostly on there as a joke, but it didn’t really matter anymore. Now I just needed a griffin, a pegasus, a trustworthy changeling, and a diamond dog and I would be prepared for anything. I was still planning on asking Gilda. Rainbow Dash went off my list when I found out that she was an Element of whatever. I had no clue where to find a trustworthy changeling, so I would probably use Doppel instead. I’d see what I could do about getting a diamond dog before I left the Europe party, though honestly I couldn’t care less if I didn’t manage to find one.

My list updated, I turned some music on and set the thing aside. “Naga, you are welcome to do whatever you desire. Keep an eye on my window, if you really feel the need to protect me. If you see anything sneaking in, do something about it.”

“Of course, brother.” He bowed his head for a moment before leaving. I reached over and made a note on my laptop to ask him why he kept calling me brother.

Then I leaned back, wondering just what the fuck I was supposed to do. “Taya, you ever heard of chess?”

“What’s chess?”

I grinned, finally having an idea of how to spend at least some of my time.

By the time the griffins came by, I had already sent Doppel into town to make an order with a carpenter for a chessboard and some pieces. I was actually somewhat happy she wasn’t back when they got here, because I didn’t want needless conflict that I couldn’t get up and stop with threats. I believe I had the issue settled, but you don’t live as long as I have in my business by taking unnecessary risks.

“Ah, it is good to see you awake, Navarone,” Bloodbeak said, entering my room. I had been warned of his arrival, so I had the laptop away.

“It’s good to be awake. That was a closer call than I like dealing with.”

“And dishonorable,” he said, stepping in further to let his daughter enter as well. “I trust your wound is well?”

“About as well as something can be when it’s caused by a magic that not even Celestia can circumvent. It’s going to be a long and boring few weeks.”

He grinned at that. “I have a solution of sorts. My daughter is interested in staying in Equestria for a little while longer. It would put my old heart at ease if you would allow her to stay here.”

“You’re welcome here, Gilda. Don’t expect a princess’s treatment, though. I would offer to show you to a guest room, but I’m somewhat indisposed. Taya, would you kindly show her to an empty room?”

She sighed. “Yes, daddy…” I don’t think she wanted to leave me at all, but I figured Bloodbeak would have words for me in private. Taya led Gilda away.

Bloodbeak turned his dangerous and calculating eyes to me. “This is my daughter, Navarone. Not some trumped-up noble’s daughter. If you take her to bed, it better be on your honeymoon with her.”

“You don’t need to worry about me. If I even tried having sex right now, I’d probably have a heart attack. Trust me, your daughter is safe from me.”

“And your maid, I trust?”

“Doppel is harmless. But if you want, I can order her not to seduce your daughter.” He didn’t seem at all amused by that. “She’ll be fine. I’m sure she’ll get bored of me soon enough, since I can’t do anything but lie here in bed.”

“I hope not, for both of your sakes. You need something more to tie you to this world and she needs an anchor from her lofty goals.”

“Taya is more than enough to tie me here, I do believe. That and these horrid wings.”

“Obviously not, if you are as suicidal to turn your back on an enemy. I don’t mean that you need to be tied to Equestria. I mean that you need to be tied to life. Maybe it is a melancholy old man speaking, but it seems to me that you are less than enthused with the life you have built for yourself. Maybe something like a romantic partner—a loving partner, not someone just for sex—would give you a more positive outlook on life.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He’s right about at least one thing: I really need a more positive view on life. I didn’t know if getting a girlfriend would help with that, but I figured I would find out when I bumped into Kumani again.

“I will admit, it may not be as true for humans as it is for griffins; your mind works very differently from ours, after all. But I know I was much happier when my Helga was around.” Oh boy, here we go.

Thankfully, our daughters came back in before things could get depressing. “The room is just fine, father,” Gilda said.

“Excellent. I trust you will represent us well. Mind your manners and make sure not to disturb Sir Navarone too much as he heals.”

“Of course, father. Now, I believe you should let Navarone get some rest.”

Bloodbeak grinned. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were trying to get rid of me. I do hope you aren’t trying to seduce poor Navarone. But you are correct, and I do need to leave anyway. I may not make every decision anymore, but my place is still at my throne. I bid you a hasty recovery and a good farewell, Navarone.”

“Have a safe journey, Bloodbeak. And thanks for visiting. You’re always welcome here.”

He lowered his head for a moment in a gesture of respect before hugging his daughter. I could hear them whispering, but I have no clue what they were saying. He let her go and left soon enough, anyway.

I waited until I could no longer hear his talons clicking on the floor before nodding at Taya. “Close the door and lock it, please.” Her horn lit up and the door slid shut. I pulled the laptop from where it was hidden. “Simply put, Gilda, all of the plans and schematics you so dearly want are right here on this device. There is one problem: It is all written in a language that only I know.”

“Then you’ll be teaching me this language?”

“I have no idea how to go about teaching a language that’s been dead for who knows how long. No, I’ll be translating. Unless…” I looked down to Taya. “Do you think you could get Twilight to teach you the translation spell?” That would have made dealing with those artists a lot easier, that’s for sure.

She nodded. “I probably could. But… she’s been asking me a lot more questions about you recently. About things you have and about your world. She would probably get pretty curious if I asked her to teach me that spell. With you unable to stop her… Well, she might be curious enough to go snooping.”

“So I’ll give the naga the order to kill any intruders on sight. Get her to teach you the damn spell. When you do so, mention that the naga is getting very protective and that bad things might happen to anyone that tries breaking in. Until you have it, I can begin putting together a list of things you’ll need, Gilda. What kind of devices do you want to build?”

“Weapons.”

“No.”

“Figures… Communication, then. Letters are slow.”

“Radio, then. I’ll add telephones as well, though that’ll probably come later.” I opened the laptop up again, letting the music cut back on. Gilda flinched back as the laptop serenaded us with some old Dream Theater stuff. When I saw her discomfort, I paused it. “Don’t like the sax? Damn Viking cat-birds…” I loaded up something that I was hoping would be more to her liking from a band called Damnation Angels. “You and your people seem in tune with the warrior’s way.”

“It sounds… better. I don’t know if I like your choice in music, Navarone,” she slowly said.

“Meh.” I started going through my folders, looking for things that would fit what she wanted. It didn’t take long for me to find the basic plans. “Alright, I have something here you could probably make with what you have. It would be basic, but once you understand the concepts behind it, improving on it is easy. Especially when you have the plans to do so. Beyond communication, what do you want?”

“Let’s see… We don’t really need transportation with our wings. No weapons… How about construction? Sturdier building materials?”

“I know the ponies have steel and cement. I assume you guys have that?”

“We use steel for tools. We don’t usually build things with it, though. Outside contractors built Gryphus. Griffins… We don’t build much.”

I lifted an eyebrow and added cement and building design to the list of things to give her. “Medicine?”

“Pony healers are expensive, but medicine is not really what I came here for.”

“Do you want ways to help your people or what? Even if you don’t want that information, you can give it to someone who does.”

“Fine, whatever. But I’ll take it last.”

I added medicine to the list. I also added electricity, because I should have thought of it sooner. I pointed at my ceiling light. “What do you think powers that?”

“Magic.”

“Wrong. Electricity, a human invention. I’ll add that to the list, making and generating electricity. I’ll also add light bulbs and shit. Heh, might as well add heaters. How good are you guys at farming?”

She gave me a dull look. “Navarone, none of this is really what I came here for. I want something big, something like that device you’re on right now. How do I make that?”

“You don’t have the tools needed to make the tools you would need to even repair this thing, let alone make one of your own. For something like revolutionizing your people, you have to start slow. You need the building blocks of industry before you can start making the special stuff like this. Electricity is the number one thing you’ll need. With that, you’ll be able to kick start factories that can make products to make other products that’ll let you start finding the materials and yada yada. Basically, you aren’t anywhere near the level required for this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t before you died of old age. But I can put you on the right path, which is what I’m doing.” I added lighters and central heating to the list, because I remember it being really cold in the castle.

“So what you’re saying is that I’ll never see the fruit of my labor.”

“What I’m saying is that you have to start somewhere. Given that Celestia and Chrysalis both have some information as well—incomplete, thankfully—you’ll need whatever you can get if you want to stay ahead. If you don’t want what I can give you, I’ll go to the cats or dogs instead. I have contacts in both kingdoms.”

“I was not aware that you had given this information to anyone else.”

“I haven’t. I gave them other stuff, incomplete things. This is raw and complete data, uncorrupted by faulty memories. Despite their head start, with some of this, you can probably stay about even with them.” I shrugged, leaning back. “It’s up to you. Either way, you’re probably going to have to learn a lot of math and you probably won’t be able to get started easily until whenever Taya gets the translation spell. So are you in, or are you out?”

“I’m in. I refuse to get left behind by both the changelings and the ponies. It is disappointing that I will probably not live to see my griffins come out on top, but such is the way of things.”

“Excellent. Taya, when is the earliest you can learn that spell from… Actually… I bet Rarity learned it to cast on herself. She already knows I have the laptop. When is the earliest you can go to learn the spell from Rarity?”

“Whenever she can come here to teach me. I’m not leaving you, daddy.”

Gilda smirked. “Admirable. You said you had another princess living here. Would she not know the spell?”

“I don’t know. Cadance isn’t very useful once you go beyond the realm of being a housewife. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If she doesn’t know it and Rarity doesn’t know it, just tell Twilight that you want to learn the spell for our trip, just in case.”

She nodded. “I can do that.”

Gilda snorted. “You should not teach hatchlings to lie to their elders, Navarone. It inspires the growth of further bad habits.”

“Meh. Let’s see, what else can I give you guys… Like I said before, what about farming? One of the most important parts about keeping a country stable is having a food source. If you guys rely on hunting, about half of your population will have to be constantly hunting. The time industry in my world truly kicked off was only after farming became much easier and workers from farms could migrate to the cities, where most of the factories were. So no, farming isn’t what you came here for, but without good farming, you won’t have enough workers to make what you want to make. With that comes a number of historical pitfalls I’ll have to warn you about when we get to it.”

“I don’t like pitfalls, Navarone.”

“Then you’re barking up the wrong tree for technology. Humanity had so, so many failures. We are an imperfect race. With every new invention came hundreds of problems. Some got fixed, some didn’t. I have a feeling that the very same thing would happen to your people if they follow in our footsteps. The only thing I can do is warn you as best I can about what those problems will be and how we mitigated them. And even then, I’m imperfect; I may miss things or forget them. It’s the risk you take.”

She sighed. “This is coming with more caveats than I’m used to. Nothing in life is ever easy, it seems.”

“Damn right. I’ll add farming to the list. Your people might be hunters and gatherers naturally and some may resist the change to the new ways—but who’s to say they’re right or wrong? I’m not going to bother adding philosophy to the list.” I have to admit, it feels strange to be industrializing the world. It brought about a few moral problems that I didn’t really like thinking about. Am I doing the right thing? Should I force this world into the future and risk driving them along the failed path of humanity?

Flo answered, “You can only do what you think is right, Navarone. Humanity only failed because of this Discord thing. There is no telling what the future might bring for this world or what it might have brought for humanity.”

“Well… I think that’s enough for now. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have to add shit like math and physics on here, though.”

“I always did enjoy mathematics,” she mused, a talon going to her beak as she mused. “Though I don’t see why I would need to learn more of what I already know.”

“Because honey, you ain’t scratched the surface of what you can do with math. Unless whatever you guys have is more advanced than what the ponies have, there is stuff here that’ll blow your mind. Now, I can’t teach you math. I forgot most of what I learned, after all. But I figure there will be things on here that can help you learn.”

“Now you’re making me excited! You better be able to actually deliver, Nav. I’d hate to be so disappointed.”

“And as ever, I’d hate to disappoint a beautiful lady. Any other information you want?”

Her tail twitched at ‘beautiful.’ “I’d prefer you not say that. My father may think you wish to court me, but I believe we both know that isn’t the case. But we’ll see what more knowledge I want when I have what you’ve offered.”

“Alright. Taya, go on and ask Cadance if she knows the spell. If she does, cool. If not, well, it wouldn’t hurt Gilda to go exploring the town. If she happens to bump into Rarity, she can ask her to come on by. Even if she doesn’t know the spell, it wouldn’t hurt to get some actual sleeping clothes since I’ll be bedridden anyway.”

“Okay, daddy. You better not try to go anywhere.”

“I don’t think I can even stand up.” She barely waited for a response before opening the door and trotting out.

“I am unused to being ordered around, Navarone,” Gilda said, clicking her talons on the floor.

“I told you not to expect to be treated like a princess. And I wouldn’t tell Rarity that you’re a princess, either. That might not end well.”

“Is she dangerous?”

“No. She likes fashion and if you aren’t dressed like she thinks a princess should be, there’s a good chance you won’t leave her boutique until you are. She also likes gossiping, which wouldn’t end well.”

“I don’t see what the problem is if everyone here knows that I’m here. I have no enemies.”

“Yes, but it wouldn’t be much of a leap for Rarity to assume why you’re here. Do you want everyone and their mother to think we’re an item?”

“Not particularly. Very well, Navarone. I shall hold my silence. But if she does ask why I’m here, what should I say?”

“Tell her that you’re a friend of the other Gilda here to visit. That’ll probably be enough to get her to leave you alone. If not, threaten to spank her.”

“…Why would that ever seem like a good idea?”

“She’s afraid of violence and pain. Hopefully it won’t be a problem.”

Taya reentered my room at that moment. “She doesn’t know the spell.”

“Well fuck. Guess you’re going into town, Gilda.”

“Very well. It shall be interesting to see how normal ponies behave in their towns. I’m used to a princess’s welcome wherever I go.”

“I’m sure that must be so tiring. The building you’re looking for is called Carousel Boutique. It’s the most gaudy and hideous building in town, so you shouldn’t miss it if you’re flying over it.”

“Your descriptions are awe-inspiring, Navarone. I’m sure if I somehow miss it, I can get directions from a local.”

“Good luck. Come back whenever. And be very sure to tell Rarity that I do not want any more visitors right now. Make sure that she knows it could be detrimental to my health. For the love of God, if Pinkie gets in here, she could very well kill me.”

“I will ensure she is careful, then. You are too useful to me to let you die so soon.”

“Your concern is touching. I’ll see you when you get back. And for reference, Cadance usually makes us eat dinner around seven.”

“I’ll be back when I get back, then. Rest easy, Navarone.”

And then there was just me and Taya. “So… How have things been with your friends?”

“Alright.”

“Come on, give me more than that. Unless you want to just stand there while I mess around on the computer, we’re going to have to find something to talk about.”

“Why aren’t you dating someone?”

I blinked, not expecting that. “Well, we’re leaving soon. I would hate to get in a relationship with someone that I’m just going to abandon. And I wouldn’t want to ask anyone else to come with us, because I don’t want anyone to be forced to choose between their old life and their possible new, terrible life.”

She quietly said, “Did you just call yourself a terrible person?”

“Uh, no? Life on the move just isn’t for everyone. Most ponies here would probably call it terrible.”

“Uh huh. I’ll let you get away with it this time, daddy.”

“You’re such a kind, merciful daughter. Another reason I’m not dating anyone is that I already promised to give someone else a chance the next time I see her. I hope you like dragons.”

“Spike’s okay. Kinda annoying, though… Are you sure a relationship with a dragon is really a good idea? Aren’t they… kinda possessive?”

“Yeah. I’ll admit that it does worry me. She already showed some signs of it when I last saw her. But it shouldn’t be so bad, I hope.”

She shrugged. “Your life.”

“But your life is connected to mine. Your opinion matters to me, Taya. Say you were in my shoes. What would you do?”

“Get Fluttershy to go on a date with me.”

“Alright. If things don’t work out with my dragon or I don’t find anyone else that’s right for me on our trip, I’ll ask Fluttershy out. My word as a father.”

“I’ll remember that, daddy.”

“And that doesn’t mean you get to sabotage any relationships I have in hopes that I get with Fluttershy. Don’t get me wrong: I like her, but she has a lot of emotional baggage and mental problems that would take a lot of effort to deal with. And I would have to put up with all those damn animals.”

“Some things in life are worth it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. So, your friends?”

She sighed and began telling me some of the things she had been up to. She even admitted to enjoying a few things despite herself.

Of course, that led into her asking me what else she could try doing with her friends. I had to tell her a few of the things I did with my friends before I stopped having any.

By the time I finished with my few tales, we heard a gentle tap on the door. It opened a moment later, Doppel poking her head in. “Hello, master. You have a visitor. Rarity.”

“Let her on in.” Doppel pushed the door open wider. Freki trotted in first, followed quickly by Rarity. I think the wolf was about to jump up on my bed, but took a look at Taya and decided against it, instead standing at the foot of the bed.

Rarity, on the other hand, rushed over to my bedside instantly. “Oh Nav, I heard all about it!” I opened my mouth to say something, but she jammed her hoof in my face. “No, no, don’t waste your weary breath on me. I know how horrible it must have been, being accosted by that brute, Blueblood. I can’t believe I ever saw anything in that monster! I just wish—Wait, where’s everypony else?”

Taya gently picked Rarity up with magic and moved her away from me. “We didn’t want them to disturb my daddy,” she answered for me. “He just wanted—”

“And you trust me to relay your condition to everypony else? That’s… surprising, but I am up to the task! Rarity will not let you down, Navarone!”

“Rarity, shut up,” I sighed. She jerked away, taken aback. “You’re the first one we contacted for a few reasons. First, Pinkie could give me a heart attack if she showed up and started doing her Pinkie shit. Second, I need to make a quick order for some soft sleeping clothes, since I’m bedridden for some time. Third, did Twilight ever teach you that translation spell?”

“She did… Why?”

“Taya needs to learn it. Sooner is better than later. When can I expect those clothes?”

“For you, I’ll have them here before night falls. I don’t suppose… would you mind if I brought somepony else with me? Not Pinkie, of course; I’ll make sure she knows full well that you are in a very bad state before bringing her by.”

“Sure. Just make sure you and the other person are fully aware that if my heart rate starts picking up, bad things happen. So no strippers or whores.”

“You need not worry about that from me, Navarone. Ugh. But how are you feeling, really?”

“I feel fine, as of right now. I have some magic in me to kill the pain since the wound can’t be healed. I can’t do much of anything and that’s annoying, but I have Taya, Cadance, Doppel, and the naga if I need anything.”

“And your griffin friend, of course.”

“I’m not stupid enough to ask much from a griffin, even if I am letting her stay here. She’ll be my last resort, trust me. If anyone in town is worried, tell them I’m fine, just that I’m not accepting any visitors until tomorrow.”

“Of course, Nav. Taya dear, step into the hall with me for a moment so I can show you the spell you need. Then I can get out of your father’s mane and let him rest.”

I nodded at Taya, who followed Rarity out into the hall and down a ways. Without Taya’s watchful eye on him, Freki hopped up onto the bed and trundled over to me, collapsing onto his stomach when he was near. I put a hand on his head. I would scratch at his ears, but he’s made of fucking wood. “Don’t worry, Freki. I’m down, but not out. It’ll take more than a sucker stab to keep me down.”

He seemed to smile at that, but it was entirely possible that I was mistaken. Either way, I did take some manner of comfort in it.

Rarity came back around six hours later, accompanied by Fluttershy. My clothes were done and I had my first welcome visitor. Though in hindsight, I’m not certain it was a good idea to bring kind and motherly Fluttershy to the bedside of a wounded friend.

As soon as she stepped inside, she bounded over to my bedside, sticking a hoof to my head. “Too cold,” she declared, forcing my blanket up around me and tucking me in despite my protests. “There, that’s better.” She looked over to Taya and Rarity, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Quite alright, dear,” Rarity said. “We understand that it’s in your nature. And really, anything that helps Nav feel more at ease is good.”

“Ahem.” They all looked over at me. “Being manhandled and forced around does not at all make me feel at ease.” Fluttershy blushed at that. “Still, the concern is touching, even though I feel that you would do the same for anyone.”

“Oh, um… Sorry…”

“Chill. Just make sure Taya doesn’t pick up your bad habits. She’s already threatening to torture me. I don’t need her to get any worse.”

Taya huffed. “It’s not torture and it’s not unfair. If you misbehave or do something that might hurt you, I start taking away your right to do things yourself. You’ve already lost your self-washing privileges. Don’t make me start feeding you, too.”

“I just moved to adjust my wings!”

“Yeah, and I saw that grimace you made. You start behaving, we’ll see about giving you privileges back.”

I looked over to Rarity and mouthed, “Help me.”

She giggled. “You’re on your own, Nav. I suggest you behave.” Her horn lit up and one of the packages she had on her back floated over to me. The other floated to Taya. “There you both are! I trust you’ll both be very satisfied.”

“Thank you, Rarity,” I said, patting the package that was resting in my lap (if you know what I mean). “I trust your work is its usual quality, though I didn’t know Taya was ordering anything.”

“It was a special order, Nav. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

“So, um, how are you feeling?” Fluttershy asked.

“Fine, thankfully. I can’t get too excited and stuff like that, but I’m doing alright. I’d be doing a lot better if my caretaker wasn’t being such a Nazi.”

“You’re just about to lose your self-feeding privileges, daddy.”

I just gave Fluttershy a flat stare, a silent beg for help. She cleared her throat and said, “Well, if you need another caretaker, I wouldn’t mind…”

I sighed. I didn’t want ‘another’ caretaker; I wanted a different one. “If you could make sure Taya knew for sure what she was doing, that would be nice.”

“Oh, I can do that!”

“Actually, daddy, it’s just about bath time.” She smirked and continued, “Unless you want Miss Fluttershy to assist me?”

Oh, you bitch. “I was thinking I could let Doppel do that. You’ve been with me all day and I’m sure you need a break.”

“No, no. I’ll do it.”

Fluttershy was very flushed, at this point. Her wings were even starting to twitch. “I-I can help!”

“I wouldn’t mind lending a helping hoof either,” Rarity added, reminding everyone she was there.

“Alright, this shit is getting out of hand. Fluttershy, Rarity, thank you both for visiting. You can tell the others that I’m fine and that they can come by tomorrow—preferably at a decent hour, if they feel like coming by at all.”

Rarity nodded. “Of course, Nav. Come along, Fluttershy. Let’s leave them to their bonding.”

Fluttershy sighed and whispered, “Bye, Nav,” before following Rarity out.

I unwrapped the parcel of clothing Rarity brought me and pulled out my new bedclothes. Surprisingly enough, she actually made them from black satin. “Awesome. I knew there was a reason I hadn’t murdered her yet.” I set the clothing back down to see that Taya had also opened her package and was in the middle of putting on a very light pink nurse outfit. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Her head poked out of it and she shook it. She finished putting on the costume and the nurse cap. “There. Now, are you ready for your bath?”

My wings twitched involuntarily, not happy with that idea. “I don’t usually take a shower until after dinner.”

“You aren’t taking a shower, daddy. You’re taking a bath.”

“The point remains that I ain’t going nowhere until after dinner, at the earliest.”

“Someone sounds grumpy. When dinner gets here, do you want me to feed you?”

I narrowed my eyes. “I’ve been willing to put up with this so far because you’ve been through a lot. You keep treating me like a child, though, and I’ll make sure you remember that you are one.”

“I’m just trying to make sure you get better, daddy. The nurse said you weren’t supposed to wash yourself since too much movement can tear open the wound. Someone’s gotta do it, and that someone is gonna be me. Doppel and I came to an… understanding. I know how you are when it comes to her. Even being around her could be bad for you.”

God dammit. I at least wanted to see her in a sexy nurse outfit… “Whatever. Just stop treating me like a child, like I’m weak. If there’s one thing that pisses me off, that’s it.”

“Well, maybe you need to be reminded what happens when you do something that stupid!”

“I think getting a fucking hole in my chest is enough of a reminder.” My hand unconsciously went to my chest as I continued, “Any more of a reminder just pisses me off.”

The somewhat angry look on her face was immediately replaced by concern as she saw me rubbing at my wound. Her horn lit up and the pillows behind me disappeared as I was lowered onto the bed. “Shhh. Relax, daddy.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. Is it really so easy to get my heart rate up? For some reason, Flo decided not to answer that.

“I’ll be back with supper, daddy,” she said, turning my lights off with magic. “Get some rest.”

I sighed into the darkness as my door clicked shut. I could hear the wolf padding around the room and I could see his eyes glowing in the corner of my eye. “I hate this feeling of helplessness,” I said to no one.

“You of all people should know that you’re not helpless, Nav,” Flo said. “You’re just in a rough spot. You’ll be good as new in a few weeks. Just give yourself some time to get well.”

“Yeah… But you know what it’s like, Flo. Being a voice in the dark, only able to talk as someone acts for you. Surely you don’t like it either.”

“Oh, I don’t. And it does get annoying, watching you make so many obvious mistakes even after I warn you about them. Still, it is a rich and rewarding experience, at times. Being helpless puts you in a unique position to learn. And you always keep saying you need to spend more time with Taya. Now you are dependent upon her. You have nothing to lose. Think of it not as you being helpless, but rather as an opportunity to spend more time with her.”

“I’m already trying to do that. She isn’t making it easy.”

“Either way, like it or not, you need to avoid getting angry. I know you think it’s emasculating to be bathed by your daughter, but she is correct: moving too much could tear open your wounds. Especially if the stitches get wet. I’m sure she knows enough about anatomy to make sure she doesn’t do anything she shouldn’t. And you know that Doppel would; that’s the only reason you want her to do it.”

“So I’m a man. Sue me.”

“An incorrigible one. At least promise me that you’ll make an attempt to behave for your daughter.”

I sighed and nodded. “I can try. My success depends on her, though. She starts getting insufferable, my bad mood starts coming back.”

“You don’t need to tell me this, Nav. After all, I know you better than anyone.”

I wanted to answer that, but the door opened up and Taya walked in, carrying a tray of food. The light clicked on as she walked up to my bed. “Cadance was almost finished when I left. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” I wanted to sit up, but I didn’t dare move too much where she could see me. After a moment, I felt her magic wrap around me and pull me up into a sitting position. I hated it, but I couldn’t really do anything to stop her. She sat the tray on my lap and let it go, watching me. “I trust that you’re going to eat as well?” I said, not touching anything in front of me.

“I will after you do.”

Fuck it. I started eating. It was like that situation where I was a baby: I have the option of hating it and I have the option of possibly having fun. Why spend weeks hating everything?

However, that bath was probably the most awkward thing I have ever done. Having to explain to Taya why she needed to be gentle with my wings and a few other areas was not enjoyable.

Sometime during the middle of the night, Flo warned me that I was not alone in my room. This warning was accompanied by the low growling of an angry timberwolf, and Flo gave me a jolt to wake me up.

I immediately reached over to where I had Taya leave my rifle before I noticed who my guest was. “…Is that you, Watcher?”

“In the flesh,” he confirmed, casting wary eyes at my pet. “I request that you call your hound off, sir.”

“Freki, heel. Watcher, why the hell are you in my house?”

“Multiple reasons. The first, to give you a ‘get well soon’ from the night guard. We failed you and your family, and many of us feel obligated to make it up to you somehow.”

“Well, there’s really not much of anything that I can think I’d need from a bunch of soldiers.”

“You are going on a trip soon. A long, possibly dangerous one. You have a small crew of battle unicorns. I’m offering you a squad of hardened guards, quite used to dealing with strange circumstances.”

“What makes you think I’m going anywhere?”

“The fact that you hired an airship. Don’t worry; as far as I know, Luna doesn’t know. I can’t say the same about Celestia. Now, I don’t mean to assume too much, but an individual like yourself doesn’t usually spend enough money to outfit a boat with plated armor and supplies that will allow it to survive in the worst of places. You’re going somewhere, and we want to help make sure you come back.”

“When I leave on that boat, I want everyone on it to be loyal to me. Not Luna, not Celestia, not any other king or queen. You’re smart, you did your homework. Yes, I’m going somewhere. Yes, I need some people who are experienced in fighting. But until you’re ready to drop whatever loyalty you have to Luna and give it to me instead, I don’t need or want you on my boat.”

“I’ll talk to my troops. Your boat isn’t even halfway finished yet, so they’ll have some time to decide. Most of my squad has nothing tying them down, though, and would be happy to have a job where they actually get to work instead of being stuck on guard duty.”

“Give me an answer before winter is halfway over. Make sure everyone you bring can at the very least tolerate the other races, because there will be plenty more.”

“Intolerance doesn’t survive long in the guard, but very well.”

“Now, you said you were here for multiple reasons. What were the others?”

“The first is an offer for your daughter to consider. I know she is being taught by Celestia’s apprentice, who is I’m sure skilled in all manner of spells, even the combat ones. However, I can send a battle unicorn here that will double as a protector for you and a teacher for her. I’m sure now that you are injured, your daughter doesn’t want to leave the house much. This way, she wouldn’t have to.”

“I’ll give her the option in the morning. If she says yes, how do I contact you?”

“Put a yellow flag on the wall of this house. The unicorn will be here the next morning.”

“Strange, but okay. Anything else?”

“A warning. Things are moving, Navarone. We can see the signs and I’m slowly building a picture of events over time, but no one knows what everything is pointing to. But things are definitely moving, and this event just proved that you are a major player, like it or not. Heal quickly, for I fear you will need your strength in the coming months and years.”

“…Okay? Can you be more specific?”

“Sadly, no. My contacts are coming up dry and I’m running blind.”

“I… have someone you could try talking to, but you have to swear to tell nothing to the princesses until you come back to me.”

“I’m listening.”

“There’s a dragon in some caves in the Everfree by the name of Reginald. He’s an old friend of Luna’s. Ask him about Discord.”

“Strife? Fighting amongst ponies?”

I shook my head. “No, Discord as in a name. Reginald can explain better than I can. Tell him Navarone sent you.”

“I’ll look into that… It wouldn’t be the strangest tip I’ve responded to. We will speak again, Navarone. For now, you need your rest. Sleep once more.” His horn lit up and I was out.

The next day found me, Gilda, and Taya around a computer, trying to make sense of something math related.

“Look,” Gilda said, getting tired of this shit, “didn’t you say you could show me presentations or something? Like I was being taught?”

“Yeah, I did say that. But I don’t know how to fucking do it. If you’d just give me five minutes, I could figure it out. If you’ll recall, you just fucking barged in here and started demanding shit.”

“Bah! I’ll be back in half an hour, then. Have your device ready to teach me when I get back.”

I muttered darkly as she barged her way right back out. “She keeps giving me lip, I’ll send her ass home,” I said when she was hopefully out of earshot.

“You could just send her home anyway,” Taya said. “Something feels wrong about her.”

“Meh.” I started fiddling around with the settings, looking for whatever the tech guy did back in the bunker when he showed me the map. I knew this thing had some kind of projector on it, I just didn’t know how to work it. After about ten minutes of fucking around, I finally figured it out. “There. That better be good enough for her. If not, I don’t fucking care.”

Someone knocked on the door and I grunted, shutting the laptop and turning off the projector. “Yeah?” I called.

Doppel pushed the door open. “Spike is here to see you.”

“Really? Let him on in.” I slid the laptop under the covers so he wouldn’t see it. Doppel stepped aside and let Spike in. “Sup, man?”

“A lot. I’m going with you.”

“That will be all, Doppel. Thank you for bringing him up.”

She lifted what should be an eyebrow in surprise. “…Okay, master.” She slowly left, pulling the door shut behind her.

“Taya, would you kindly blockade the door?” Her horn lit up and a glow infused the door. “Alright, Spike. So you want in. Are. You. Sure?”

“Yes.”

I grinned. “Well alright then. Open my closet and reach around to the left.” He blinked in surprise before going and doing so. He started giggling as he pulled out my old falchion. “If you’re going with me, you aren’t going to be useless. Taya, pull that metal bowl down from the top there.” Her horn lit up and my naga shield lifted down where Spike could take it. “There is your sword and there is a shield, if you can lift it. So here’s the deal: You learn from the naga how to fight. You leave that sword and that shield here, since if Twilight finds out what you’re doing, she’ll probably freak out. Still interested?”

He grinned, showing off his set of dragon chompers. “Even more than I was before. I thought you’d have me cooking for everypony or something.”

“Hey, if you’re the best cook on the ship, I won’t say no. So whenever you get some free time, come here and ask the naga to help train you. Tell him that I said it was okay. And as soon as I get better, I’ll introduce you to a dragon that’s older than Celestia and Luna. Hopefully, he’ll be able to answer any of your questions.”

His mouth dropped. After a second or two, he said, “Y-you’d do that?”

“Uh, yeah? The only reason I haven’t done it sooner is because honestly, I didn’t think about it. Now that I have, it’s a no-brainer. Just once again, don’t tell Twilight any of this.”

“Dude, you are probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

“Then you’ve had some shitty friends. I’ll see what I can do about upgrading your arsenal after we talk to Reginald. Until then, practice with what you have. I have no clue where the naga is, but he’s probably somewhere around here. If you have time now, feel free to talk to him.”

He looked down to the sword and shield in his hands before looking back up, a massive grin on his face. “I will. Thanks for everything, Nav. I would hug you, but… Well, I don’t want to risk hurting you.”

“No problem. Now go on. If Gilda tries getting in here with the door blocked, she might get pissed.”

“Of course.” The glow around the door disappeared and Spike quickly left, saying, “I won’t forget this!” happily as he started navigating my halls.

Gilda walked in a few seconds later, looking behind her. “What was that about?” she asked.

“Just a friend of mine. I got the projector working.” I pulled the laptop out again and set it up. “This is probably going to take a good long while, so let’s get started now, shall we?”

“With pleasure.” I pressed the play button and let the laptop project onto the wall across from my bed. It didn’t take her long to get absorbed into the lesson about whatever the fuck the guy on the screen was talking about.

I gestured Taya close and whispered, “I have a proposition. I can get a unicorn here from the royal guard to teach you all kinds of combat magic. He’ll be coming here, so you don’t have to worry about leaving me to go learn. He’d also probably know more about combat shit than Twilight would. Are you interested?”

“Yes. Very, very interested. When can he begin?”

“Go find a yellow scrap of cloth and affix it to the wall. If you do that, he’ll be here tomorrow. Just know that I’m expecting you to be on your best behavior.”

“Of course, daddy. When do I ever misbehave?”

“Yeah. Right. Go find something yellow and put it on the wall. Get back here soon; I don’t know how long I can last with Gilda.”

Her grin spread from ear to ear. “I’ll be right back!” Her horn lit up and she teleported away.

Why do I have a feeling I just did two things that might have been a bad idea?

Flo giggled. “Only time will tell…”

A note from the Element of Chaos

I have to say, I was not expecting the outcome. Blueblood had one job, a job that honestly wasn’t that hard: Goad Navarone into a fight and make him strike the first blow. Of course, at that point, Blueblood would die, but that’s hardly important.

I massaged at my temples, wondering why I keep getting idiots to do my most important jobs.

Now, don’t get me wrong, getting Navarone out of commission for some time is about as much as I was hoping for. However, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO STRIKE FIRST! The best way to make Celestia think that he’s unreliable is to get him to snap and attack someone. Doing that in the middle of a party of esteemed guests that he drugged would be enough to cast doubt on every action of his.

Instead, Taya got a cutie mark and would get the chance to nurse him back to health. I was somewhat tempted to remove the chaotic magic digging its way into Navarone’s heart, but I decided against it. It’s one thing to put it there, but another thing entirely to remove it. Questions would be asked.

Thankfully, Blueblood was weak. The magic should dissipate within a month and what damage wasn’t already healed by then could be finished off with magic.

But still… To make an error like that, to have allowed Blueblood so much free reign… I’m slipping. I’m slipping, and it might cost me the entire gambit. The thought was enough to make me shiver in fear. I don’t like losing, especially when so much is at stake.

Chapter Eighty—Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I bring things on myself

Chapter Eighty—Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I bring things on myself

My second visitor of the day—the first being Spike—was Rainbow Dash. Doppel knocked on my door again some time later and poked her head in at my call. “Rainbow Das—Hey!”

The door was kicked open and Doppel was thrown out of the way by a somewhat irate looking Dash. “There you ar—Who’re you?” she asked, looking at Gilda.

The griffin stood from where she had been on the bed. “My name is Gilda.”

“No way! I know another griffin whose name is Gilda! Is that a common name there or something?”

Gilda nodded. “It is common for the upper nobility, yes. I am a friend of this other Gilda, here visiting Navarone.”

Dash blinked a few times, seemingly remembering something. “Oh yeah! You!” She turned her eyes on me, glaring at me and stalking toward the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me you were back home?! You aren’t supposed to make bros worry like that, Nav!”

“Dash, I can’t move. I’m bedridden.”

“That didn’t stop you from getting word to Rarity, of all ponies!”

She was about to keep talking, but Taya’s horn lit up and an aura of light appeared around her mouth. “If you don’t stop yelling, I will remove you,” Taya calmly said. “Now, daddy, would you please explain?”

Dash was looking increasingly angry, so I figured it would be best to get it out quickly. “I needed something from Rarity so I had someone go fetch her. When I got back from the hospital yesterday, I knew I needed time to rest. A ton of visitors wouldn’t give me that time. I’m sorry for not letting the news get out, but you know how your friends are. I had to ask Fluttershy to leave when she came by with Rarity.” I nodded at Taya and she released Dash’s muzzle.

Dash snorted. “Alright. You have a point. But you still should have told me! You know I wouldn’t have told anypo—one if you asked me not to.”

I nodded. “I know you wouldn’t have. And again, I apologize for not letting you know. At the time, it seemed like the best idea to not tell anyone. I’m still worried what Pinkie will do when she finds out.”

“She already knows,” Dash said. “Twilight and Rarity are still explaining to her why having a coming home party would be a bad idea.”

“They should add that Taya would toss her out the window.”

“I don’t think they’ll forget that,” Dash said, casting a short furtive glance at my daughter. “Oh, and another thing I just remembered. Make sure Twilight doesn’t see Spike playing with the naga. I say she coddles him too much, but she is his caretaker.”

“As far as I’m concerned, he can make his own choices. But I will give him a warning. I mean, there’s not much I can do right now to make sure it doesn’t happen, but I can try.”

“…Right, bedridden. I thought you said you were tough, Nav. Remember the time we outflew the dragons at the migration? This is nothing compared to that!”

“That was surface burns. Really bad surface burns, but still. This was getting stabbed in the chest and having my body infused with magic that not even Celestia can break. Being tough is why I’m still alive. And being smart is why I don’t try to get out of bed or push myself.”

“So you can’t get out of bed at all?”

“Not without help. It sucks.”

“I bet… The last time I was stuck in a hospital bed, I almost went crazy! How can you deal with that?”

I pulled out the laptop from where I had hidden it at the knock on the door. “Human movies, Taya, Gilda. I have my ways.”

She looked at the laptop, her eyes slowly growing wider and her wings twitching. “So… You have human movies on that thing?” she asked. “What about some of those… other ones you showed me? The… porn?” That last word was barely whispered.

“I don’t know; I haven’t checked.” And that’s the truth, actually. I never really thought about it until then. “Even if it does, though, you won’t be watching it until I’m better because I’m not letting anyone use this laptop but me.”

“Oh… I understand, I guess. So, do you have any message for the girls? I kinda need to get back to work, but I have time to tell them something.”

“Nah. Just ask Spike to come talk to me. I want to give him that warning in person.”

“Will do, Nav! And hey, try to get better. Wouldn’t want one of my favorite humans to be down and out, after all.”

“One of? I thought I meant more to you than that…”

“Cry me a river. See you later, Nav. And say hi to the other Gilda for me, Gilda.”

We both nodded as she merrily left. When the door clicked shut, Gilda immediately whirled on me. “Well, get it started again. With all these interruptions, I doubt I can get much done, but anything is better than nothing!”

“You need to chill out,” I said, opening the laptop again. I hit play and turned to Taya. “Can you get me a scrap of paper and a pen, please?”

She reached to a nightstand that I thought was empty and opened a drawer, using magic to pull out a notepad and a pen. I pulled them from the air with a nod and wrote out a quick note for Doppel. ‘I can’t feed you this month. However, you still need to eat. Spike’s young, strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s willing. He’s also extremely innocent. If you can get him, try not to weaken him too much, but do try to teach him some things. – Nav’

I tore the page out, folded it a few times, and set the pen and notepad aside. I don’t know why I keep trying to get Spike laid, but I was hoping that it would work this time.

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Gilda snarled in frustration. I hid the laptop again and called for the knocker to enter. Doppel let Spike in immediately. “What do you need, Nav?” he asked, leaving the door open.

“First, you need to be careful when you’re practicing with the naga if you don’t want anyone to find out. Dash saw you as she was flying in. Twilight would have both of our hides if she caught you out there.”

He rolled his eyes. “Nav, I’m only hiding this because you asked me to. I don’t care if Twilight finds out. What’s she gonna do, scold me? Try to spank me? There’s a reason I’m going with you, Nav.”

“Well now you got me interested. And I did want to ask, actually. Why did you decide to go?”

He snorted and I swear a small jet of steam shot out of his nose. “I finally asked Rarity on a date. No roundabout, no helping her with anything and hoping to be noticed. Just, ‘Rarity, do you want to go out sometime?’” He paused for a moment and I think I heard his teeth grinding. “She got a look on her face like Fluttershy in front of a crowd. After a moment, she finally giggled and turned me down. And then she suggested I find a nice colt my own age.”

My mouth slowly dropped. I think Gilda was snickering, but I could barely hear her over the sound of pure shock. “That… bitch!” I finally managed to blurt out. Surely she knew! She fucking has to know! “Are you sure she wasn’t joking?”

“She offered to set me up with somepony.”

I slowly lowered my head into my hands, thinking of a good solution for this. “Alright, I have an idea for revenge. I can get you a book from my world called The Game.”

“No.” I looked back up to find Spike shaking his head. “I don’t want revenge. I just want to get out of this place.”

“You’re a better man than I, then. Last time she called me gay, I slapped her so hard she almost started bleeding.” I shrugged, leaning back. “What made you finally decide to ask her, then?”

“Your offer. I thought about it for a few weeks. I’ve been studying the world ever since we got back from Egypt, thinking about traveling and learning more about myself. I like the ponies, but I don’t feel like I can stay here forever. But I thought I could give it a chance, maybe a few more years… And then you made your offer. So I decided to see if there was a reason to stay.” His face hardened. “There wasn’t. So I’m going with you. And I’m going to learn to be useful, whether or not Twilight likes it.”

This is a side of Spike I don’t think I’ve ever seen before… I don’t like it. “Alright. If you change your mind, I won’t judge you. Hasty decisions are made in anger, after all.” He snorted again. “Either way, I’d ask you to tell no one that I’m leaving.”

“Alright. You need anything else? I don’t have much time before I need to get back, and the naga says I need to learn some basic forms.”

“…Yeah, one thing.” I tossed the note to him. “Give that to Doppel. Wait to see if she has a response. If not, go on down to the naga.”

“Okay. See you later, Nav.” And out he went. I set the laptop back up before Gilda could bitch at me.

I really was hoping Spike’s attitude got better. That kind of darkness didn’t fit him at all. I was assuming he’s still angry about what happened and that’s why he sounded like he did. If not, I’d have a talk with him or something.

My next visitor was Shining Armor. Gilda was on a break doing whatever she did when she wasn’t absorbing information like an Asian. “Hey, Nav. How you feeling?”

I pointed to the foot of the bed, where I had a sign put up that said, ‘Fine. Tired and can’t move much, but fine.’

He looked up, the beginning of a smile on his face. “You think of everything, don’t you?”

I quickly held up another sign I made on the off chance Shining Armor actually stopped by. It simply said, ‘I try to leave nothing to chance.’ I laughed at the look on his face. “I wasn’t even expecting you to visit. I’ve just been bored out of my mind and writing notes down to fuck with people.”

“You always find new ways to surprise me. So what were you planning on doing for this month’s strategy session?”

“…Oh yeah. Totally forgot about it.”

“That is certainly understandable given the circumstances. I’ll tell my officers they have the day off.”

“Now now, I never said that. Unless they feel like coming to my house—which they don’t because I won’t let them in—I can give them homework. I ordered a copy of a human game and it was finished yesterday. It’s called chess. It’s all about strategy and thinking ahead. And there’s something else I can do in my free time that would be better than trying to fuck with people. I’ll copy down a few books from my world, The Art of War and The Prince. I’ll get the manuscripts for those books and the rules and plans for chess by the end of the week. Feel free to do whatever you want with the chess boards after you guys are done with them, but I want those books and every copy of them you make burned when all of your officers are finished with them.”

“That’s pretty extreme, dude. If you want them burned, why make us read them in the first place?”

“They’re great research material for what you’re trying to do. However, they paint humanity in a light that I don’t like. Both of those books are dark and devious and not things that need to be read. Whatever you do, do not let any of the princesses see them. I do not want anyone that’ll actually be in a position of power to be reading The Prince.”

“…I’m a prince, Nav.”

“First, I imagine your wife will be doing most of the ruling because this place is misandristic as fuck. Second, both of you will probably be puppets for Celestia anyway, so it hardly matters. Third, you’re too kind and innocent to take the directions here to heart. Celestia and Luna aren’t, not that they don’t know the things in here anyway.”

“You can be really insulting sometimes, Nav.” He didn’t sound particularly upset. I figured he already knew all of what I said and had come to terms with it. “But I’ll do my best to burn every copy. If an officer takes one of the books home, though, he could possibly get it copied without me knowing.”

“Then don’t let them take any copies home. They can do whatever they want with chess, which should be plenty enough.”

“I’ll do what I can, then. You need anything while I’m here?”

“Yeah. I need you to spend time with your wife, kid, and sister.”

He grinned. “Don’t worry. I have the whole day off.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you. I’ll have those books and the rules to you by next week.”

“Excellent. It feels like I’m forgetting something… but it’s probably not important if I forgot it. I’ll talk to you later, Nav.”

When he was out, I sighed. “Not being able to get out of bed is annoying,” I said.

“Well, maybe you’ll think of that next time you’re about to turn your back on someone that hates you,” Taya answered.

“How was I supposed to know he would stab me? Why are you so pissed about that?” I think I heard Flo sigh as Taya glared at me.

“Because you keep almost dying right in front of me! I’m not going to lose you like I lost my—” She cut off suddenly, looking away and blushing in anger.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t plan on dying, Taya.”

“I know, because I won’t let you. I didn’t know how to protect my parents, but you made sure I learned how to protect you. I won’t let anything happen to you, daddy.”

There was no way to answer that without making her angrier, and I figured giving her time to cool off would be smart. I felt something smack me in the back of the head and Flo said, “Navarone, there are very few things I will ever try to force you to do. But if you don’t ask that girl what happened to her parents right now, I will take control and do it for you.”

It’s not my business!

I felt a spike of cold in the front of my brain and my mouth opened involuntarily. “Taya… do you want to talk about what happened to your parents?” Flo said through my mouth. Ungrateful bitch! Flo just sniffed.

Taya looked down. I was about to devise some punishment for Flo when Taya very quietly said, “It was a dark night, no moon. We were traveling, looking for a place to stay in the city. I… I can barely remember it. No one likes ponies in Catro; few inns would even let us inside. We were on our way to the third when we were surrounded by thieves. My dad… he was a pegasus. My mom screamed to take me and fly, she’d hold them off… He didn’t want to, but… he grabbed me anyway.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath and I put a hand on her head, gently stroking her hair. I was about to tell her that she didn’t have to keep going when she sniffled and continued, “We didn’t get far. Cats like to poison their weapons and he got hit when we were fleeing. We… ended up in some back alley. He was gasping for breath on the ground, struggling to get up. I heard someone coming and tried to make him stand up, to run with me. One of the cats slowly walked down the alley, a knife held in one paw. Someone yelled something I barely heard from the panic I felt … ‘No witnesses.’”

This is when the tears finally fell. I saw her body shaking as she stared at the floor, a few drops hitting the ground. Again, I went to tell her to stop, but she kept going at a whisper, “I started backing away as he came closer. I wanted to protect my father, I wanted to save him... But I was too scared, too weak. After pulling the purse off my dad’s side, he looked at me with eyes like a void… And turned around. ‘I don’t see any witnesses.’”

Her back legs slumped, pushing her lower body to the floor. “I just knew as soon as I let my guard down, he would turn around and that would be it. I stood petrified, watching him as he walked out of the alley. When I finally got the courage to move, I ran to my father’s side and collapsed next to him. He held me in his wings as he slowly grew cold, weakly whistling an old song as I cried.”

“…How long were you alone?” I asked.

“I don’t know…”

I was silent for a few seconds, not knowing what else to really say. There was a reason I never asked her about this. I didn’t want to know, I didn’t know how to handle it, and I hate talking about stuff like this.

Finally, I settled for saying, “You don’t have to worry about being alone again. I’m here, and I will never leave you.” It probably wasn’t smart to say, but being comforting was more important than being smart, I thought.

She finally looked up at me and I could see tears falling from her face. “Promise me,” she whispered, her voice somewhat hoarse.

Fuck me for being a fool. “I promise, honey,” I quietly said, already regretting making a promise I might not be able to keep. Taya batted the hand on her head away and jumped onto my bed, wrapping me in a hug. She was thankfully considerate enough to avoid smacking into my wound. I quickly hugged her back, trying to block out the nagging voice in the back of my mind that was saying I just made a big mistake. I was doing my best to instead turn that voice into one of sorrow for Taya or jubilation that I had finally gotten her to open up, but it wasn’t working.

It made me wonder just what kind of monster I had turned into.

That night, Flo pulled me into a darkened version of her copse. I was about to ask her why it was dark out, but before I had the chance, she flowed over me, gently laying me down on the ground. “We need to talk,” she said when I was down and couldn’t move.

Here we go…

“Don’t be like that.”

I should have known this would happen when I let a woman live in my head.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I’m not going to yell at you, Nav. And stop thinking at me; it makes you look immature.”

“Bah. It’s just you and me here. I can act as immature as I want, you stupid ugly face.”

“Ouch, my feelings.” She didn’t sound that upset. “We need to talk about your interactions with Taya. Do you know why she decided to stay with you, Nav?”

“Because she’s stupid?”

“If you weren’t injured, I would hurt you. You remind her of her real father, Nav. Your wings, for one. And do you remember the night you first found her, when you whistled as you carried her? She associates you with her real father, for better or for worse.”

“Probably worse. What does this have to do with anything?”

“For one, it answers a question you keep asking, of why she stays with you. For another, it explains why she’s so protective—a trait that I imagine will only get much, much worse if you don’t take some steps to curtail it. And finally, it explains how you can make her happier.”

“So what steps do I need to take to get her to tone down her protectiveness?”

“Not getting into danger would help the most, of course. And spending much more time with her would also help, because I do believe she has some abandonment issues. Of course, you’ll be spending a good chunk of time with her now, but you know what I mean. Getting more invested with her would be good. Asking her questions, how her day was, what she learned with Twilight or her new teacher, things like that. She knows you don’t much care for magic, so you need to do better to support her special talent, since that is now how she is defined. And you absolutely must make it plain that you trust her.”

“She already knows I trust her. The only person I trust more than Taya is you. And I already do some of those things.”

“Navarone, I’ve seen your interactions with her. They’re hollow, done because you know they’re required more than anything else. You take little joy in them and I believe she knows it. You need to participate more and sound enthusiastic. I get that you’re sociopathic and broken and what-have-you, but I know you’re better at acting than what you do with her. And we both know that if you pretend something for long enough, it usually becomes true.”

I sighed, nodding. “Alright. I may be stupid in some ways, but I know you’re right. I’m willing to do whatever I can to make up for the neglect, if that’s the right word for it.”

“I’m happy to hear that, Navarone. And I will be sure to remind you as we go along. I know how easy it can be to fall back into old habits.”

“Excellent. You spoil me sometimes, Flo.”

“Anything for my favorite human. Now, would you like me to find some old memories of how fathers should act for their daughters?”

“Honestly, no. But I suppose if it’ll help, sacrifices can be made.”

“Now you’re getting it.” Some manner of screen appeared above us and a video of some of Flo’s old lizard subjects began to play.

Come the next morning, I got an expected visitor: A wizened unicorn stallion with a letter. “Name’s Fiery Sage,” he said by way of introduction as he floated the letter to me.

“Navarone,” I answered. “And this is Taya.” He nodded as I broke the seal on the letter and pulled it out.

‘This is Fiery Sage, an old guard instructor. He used to be a menace to all the recruits back in the day, but he’s calmed down since then. He won’t go too hard on your filly, but she’ll definitely need to be ready to learn. My favor only lasts for two months, because even old friends can only work for so long before they want to enjoy their retired life again, so make sure she learns as much as she can in that time. – W’

I folded the letter back up. “Welcome to my home, Mister Sage. Did you find accommodations in town, or do you need a place to stay?”

“I’m shacking up with an old guard friend that lives here. He doesn’t mind the company. I heard about your injury—though pretty much everypony did, with it plastered over the newspapers. Such a thing wouldn’t have happened back in my day, I swear.”

I shrugged. “It’s no one’s fault but my own. I shouldn’t have turned my back on that slimeball. But that isn’t really important, I don’t suppose. When do you want to start teaching Taya?”

“Immediately. Combat magic is very different from regular magic in ways that most ponies don’t realize. It’s best she learn the differences now so she can begin accommodating for them.”

Taya looked up at me, not wanting to leave. I didn’t really want her to leave either, because I had been planning on talking to her today. But I realized that this was probably very important if the guy was talking about it like this. “He’s the instructor,” I said. “We can spend time together later, Taya.”

She sighed, looking away. “Okay, daddy…” She looked over to the instructor. “Can we start in here?”

“I wouldn’t want to destroy your father’s room. There is a nice looking backyard that we can practice in without fear of destroying anything too important, I believe.”

“As long as neither of you get hurt, I can shell out the cash for property damage,” I said. “Just be careful. And Taya, send up Doppel on your way down. She won’t be as much fun to be around as you, but I’d rather not be alone if I need something.”

The instructor’s ears twitched, a sign he noticed something odd. “Doppel is a changeling name. Watcher mentioned you had a tame one. What other surprises lurk here?”

“A naga, a princess in hiding, and Freki over there.” I pointed at the wolf, who had until that point been silent.

The instructor turned his head to the wolf, eyes slowly going wide. “How did I not notice that?”

“He can be pretty quiet and unnoticeable. It helps that he’s made of wood and doesn’t breathe. Everything here is harmless until you fuck with it, though.”

“I’ll remember that. Taya, are you ready?”

She nodded and followed him out the door, giving me a single backwards glance. I really wish I didn’t have to send her away, but she was the one that said she wanted the instructor. I sighed as the door slid shut. “Well, now what?” I asked to no one in particular.

“Navarone, it might have been a mistake to ask for Doppel,” Flo commented.

“Why?”

“The laptop. When Gilda comes by, you’ll have to send Doppel away. That might be suspicious.”

“Hm. Tell me honestly: Do you think I can trust Doppel?”

“I don’t know, Nav. I think you can. I am good at picking up on lies. Not perfect, but good. And I don’t think Doppel is lying when she says that she is loyal to you now.”

“Do you think I should trust her, then?”

“You have to put yourself at some risks to build trust with others. I think it’s worth the risk, yes.”

“Alright. I suppose I can take the risk. Lord knows that I could use some more trustworthy people around here. If she betrays me, it just means I’ll have to kill all the thieves Chrysalis sends to get it.”

“Nav, I believe if you are betrayed at this junction, your best bet would be getting relocated to Canterlot, or asking Shining Armor to keep a shield around your house.”

“I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.” There was a gentle tap on my door and I called for whoever it was to come in.

Doppel stepped on in. “You wanted to see me, master?” she asked.

“Taya is busy learning magic, so I no longer have my personal assistant filly. If you aren’t too busy, would you mind filling the position?”

“Of course, master! And I took your advice regarding the young dragon. It was an… interesting experience.”

“Interesting in a good way or a bad way?”

“Dragon sperm is very hot. We’ll be more careful in the future.” She giggled as she walked over to my bed. “It’s always fun to teach young lovers. They’re so easy to mold into whatever you want them to be.”

“Let me guess: You’re trying to turn him into a little cock slut.”

“Ooh, if only! That little tongue of his… Mmm. No, just a few things I like a bit more than others. If he doesn’t know much anyway, he’d hardly complain if I conditioned him, now would he?”

I shrugged. “Not my business what you do in bed. Just do try not to ruin him. And definitely make sure he doesn’t fall in love with you, unless you really want him to.”

“I know how to handle virgins, Nav.” She shrank in size and flew up to my shoulder, plopping down. “So what have you been doing for fun in here?”

“Remember how you said you were loyal to me? I’ve decided you could use a little more trust, Doppel. I’ve been hiding a few things from you, things I think it is time to let you be privy to.”

I reached under the blanket and she scoffed. “I already know all about that, master.” When the laptop came out, she turned her head. “That’s different. What’s so big about that?”

I opened it up and turned it on. “Needless to say, all of what I’m about to tell you is not going to leave this room. I’m putting my trust in you, Doppel. Now, a few months ago, I put together an expedition of sorts. The details aren’t important. The destination, however, is: We went to my home, the world of humans. I got some technology while I was there. This laptop is one of those pieces of technology. It stores massive amounts of information, including a lot of entertainment. The main problem is that it’s all in a language you can’t understand. That doesn’t stop music from being enjoyable, though.”

“…So that’s why I kept hearing music coming from up here. My lips are sealed, master.”

“Excellent. Well, what kind of music do you like?”

“We never have much music in the hives. Sound carries too far in the caves, after all.”

“I would have hated growing up without music… Let’s see. You’re black. How about rap?”

“All changelings are black. It is a massive generalization that I would like a certain music based on the color of my carapace.”

“Fine. Let’s see… This is an obscure search, but let’s see if they put “Here in the Dark” on this thing.”

“Sounds sexy. I like it already.” Surprisingly enough, they did have it. I loaded it up for her.

“Without understanding the lyrics, it probably won’t work as well for you, but you might like it anyway.”

And so the next half hour went until Gilda’s lazy ass got out of bed and traipsed on in. “You ready to—What’s she doing here?”

“Being my personal pocket assistant,” I said, patting the shirt pocket that Doppel had taken residence in. “You want to start studying more shit?”

“I am not certain that it would be wise, with a changeling here.”

“Well, there’s the door. You’re welcome to wait until Taya is done with her lessons and can take her spot back at my side.”

Her beak clamped shut, a sign in griffins that they’re rather upset. “Fine,” she eventually said. “We’ll go onto something less useful, like farming. It’s not like changelings need food anyway.”

I shrugged and opened the few files I had for farming techniques, throwing them up on the projector. That done, I stopped the music and hunted down The Art of War while Gilda began taking notes. “Doppel, would you kindly open my nightstand and get me a pen and some paper?”

She latched her front legs over the side of my pocket and pulled herself out, stretching her teeny wings. After a moment, she took off and changed size when she got far enough away from me. From there, it was a simple matter of passing me what I needed. I started copying down the book as she flew back into my pocket, reading what I was writing.

I knew I was in for a long, dull day.

My long day was interrupted by a knock on the door. I had already been visited by most of my friends the day before—the visits were just the standard ‘how are you feeling’ thing mixed with the typical hospital bed bullshit, so I didn’t record them—so I was wondering who this was. “Come on in,” I called, closing the laptop and sliding it under my blanket.

Much to my surprise, my guest was Cheerilee. She had some manner of box on her back. “Hello, Navarone. How are you feeling?”

“Well enough. What brings you by, Cheerilee?”

“Oh, the usual. The new school year is about to begin and I was going to try unsuccessfully to convince you to make Taya go to school. She’s really very bright and shouldn’t be limited by not having a proper education.”

“I know, and I very much regret not putting her in school when we first got here. However, I didn’t, and now it’s too late to rectify that mistake. You are free to ask her yourself; she’s in the backyard with her new instructor, learning more magic. I can almost guarantee that she’ll say no, though.”

She sighed and nodded. “I know. Why is it too late, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“She got her cutie mark and it’s not something that would benefit from schooling. In fact, I would say that it would probably not be a good idea for anyone to have her in school right now. It’s better she stick with the instructor I found for her.”

“Forgive me for disagreeing, Nav, but I believe no matter the career or special talent of a pony, a well-rounded basic education is extremely important. Even more important is the social contact that Taya would receive while in school among fillies and colts of her own age.”

“Once again, we agree. However, her cutie mark marks her as being good at combat magic. As you and I both know, there are bullies in your school. I don’t want Taya to get near them if I can help it. I try to teach her right and wrong, but she’s still a child and might consider the easiest way out to be the best way, no matter the harm to the others.”

“I see. I’m still going to ask her. Anypony can be taught not to hurt others, as violence should never be the answer.”

“I wish I agreed with you. I really, really do. And I wish the rest of the world did as well. Sadly, both Taya and I come from places in the world that disagree, and the fight or flight responses were drilled into us. I’m trying to ease them out of her, but she reflexively shot two people that were going after me. If she did that out of sheer reflex, I’d hate to see what she does to someone she hates.”

“Hmm… I’ll talk to her. Even if I can’t convince her to finally come to school, maybe I can remind her what separates ponies from the animals in the Everfree.”

“Good luck. I really hope you’re successful.”

“So do I, Navarone. And by the way, one of my students asked me to drop this off when she heard you were injured.” She reached behind her and put the package on the bed, next to Gilda. Gilda shrugged and pushed it back to me. I opened it on up and was immediately hit by the smell of something sweet. Whatever was in the box was wrapped in a very soft cloth. I gently took it out and unfolded the cloth, beholding quite a lot of candy.

“Oh, cool. Tell that student I said thanks, Cheerilee. I don’t get candy that much anymore.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her. Do you need anything before I go?”

“Nah. Thanks for the offer, though. Be sure to talk to Taya, and thanks for the visit.”

“Of course. See you later, Nav.” I took up a candy cane as Cheerilee left, tasting it.

“Huh. It tastes off for some reason,” I said, trying it again. “Not bad, though. Maybe it’s just homemade?”

I heard Doppel moving around a lot down in my shirt. I looked down to see that she was eyeing the candy. “Bring that closer,” she said. I moved the cloth over to her and she tilted her head at it, looking somewhat confused. “Um. I don’t know how to tell you this Nav, but I think that filly has a crush on you.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked, sucking on the candy cane.

“I can feel lust emanating from these. And from that candy cane, now that I think about it.”

My mind went completely blank as I slowly pulled the candy cane from my mouth, looking down at it. It didn’t look any different, but now that I thought about it, I could feel a tiny bit of dampness on the cloth in my hand.

I looked over to the cloth with the rest of the candy on it. Everything there was something that could be inserted into a certain place. I slowly lifted the cloth and its contents up to my face, taking in a deep breath. Yeah. That filly did something very inappropriate here. I looked back to the candy cane very slowly.

And then I stuck it back in my mouth. “I’ve done worse.”

Gilda sniffed, turning away. “Ponies are disgusting,” she said. “I’ll be back when that filth is gone.” She hopped off the bed and haughtily walked away.

“That griffin needs to get laid,” Doppel said when she was gone. “Say, can I have some?”

“Help yourself. I want it gone or hidden before Taya gets back, because there ain’t no way in hell I’m letting her have any.”

I think pigging out on sex candy with a changeling might be one of the strangest things I have ever and will ever do.

The next day, my habit of unexpected visitors continued. “Bon-Bon? What brings you by?”

“A friend can’t just visit another friend?” she asked, casting a quick glance at Gilda.

I took the hint. “True enough. Gilda, let’s take a short break. It’s been a while since I saw Bonnie.”

“Last time I try learning from someone in a sickbed,” she growled as she stalked past Bon-Bon. She tried slamming the door, but Bonnie’s hoof stopped it before it could make too much noise.

“Sorry for interrupting whatever that was,” she said, her eyes flashing blue as she turned back to me. “It’s just… nopony else knows my secret. And… Well, I think it’s time to change that.”

“Hey, Doppel here knows.” I patted the pocket with my changeling.

“Yes, but she’s not a pony. I’m talking about Lyra, Nav. I want to come clean. I keep wanting to pop the question to her, but I can’t do it while I’m living this lie… It’s time I finally told her.”

“Are you really sure that’s wise?” I asked. “I mean, I support honesty in relationships; it’s how they grow and thrive. But a good degree of lying is also required sometimes to make things work. If you take this risk, there’s a chance it could backfire horribly.”

“I don’t care if it’s wise or not. It’s unfair to Lyra to keep up this charade. I’m tired of lying to her, Navarone. I… I love her, and I’m going to tell her the truth. If she leaves me, she leaves me. I just can’t continue living this lie to somepony that I love.”

“Admirable, if foolish. So why are you telling me?”

“Well, the support of the great hero of the changelings and the ponies would mean a lot to me. And if… if Lyra reacts negatively, I might need a place to stay until I can get back to the hives for reassignment.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary. But you have my support, Bon-Bon. It warms my heart to see that there are still mares like you in the world. As much as you two love each other, I think she’ll accept you. Just be willing to give her some time, because it’ll probably be very shocking for her.”

She nodded. “I know. I’m willing to give her all the time she needs. Hopefully… it won’t be too long.”

“However long it takes, you’re welcome here. I’m sure it won’t be long, though.”

She gave me a small smile. “I hope. I’ll see you later, Navarone. Get well soon.”

When Bon-Bon was out of my room and the door safely closed, Doppel shifted around in my pocket. “Prepare to see a lot more of her, master. There have been stories about changelings coming out to their friends. None of those stories end well.”

“That’s because the only changelings that decide to return to the hive obviously had bad news. There’s no telling how many have come out and were received warmly.”

“I doubt it has been many. Most races didn’t know much or anything about changelings until just recently. I wish her luck, but I honestly doubt anything good will come of her choice.”

“Well, ponies are very surprising creatures in some respects. Maybe just this one little time, love will shine through. I’d like to think the world owes me the happiness I’d feel if Bonnie came back with good news.” Naïve? Probably. But who knows? Maybe there would finally be something I managed to not destroy.

I started having problems on the fourth day. Not big ones, just a bit more irritability than normal and my anger was strangely starting to crop up when it shouldn’t. Small things, you know? By the end of the first week, I was perpetually angry and just about ready to chew off someone’s head at anything wrong they did. I miscopied a word on the book I was writing out for Shining Armor and ordered Taya to destroy the page in the most violent way she knew how.

That night, Flo laid me down on the ground again and held me close. “Navarone, something is wrong. Very wrong.”

Just her saying that was enough to piss me off. “What the fuck do you know? Of course something’s wrong, you stupid blob! I’m stuck in bed, I have a hole in my heart, I haven’t fucked anything in a week, and everyone around me is acting even more stupid than usual! Now let me the fuck go.” I tried pulling away from her, but she held me even tighter.

“No, there’s something else that’s wrong,” she said. “And I think I know what it is. Do you remember how your therapist back on Earth attempted to get you to abstain?”

“Yeah, and I told him to fuck off. Ain’t no one telling me how to live my life, not after what I’ve been through!”

“He told you that because you’re exhibiting signs of addiction. Well, right now it’s withdrawal. Looking through your mind—”

“You know that shit pisses me off! What is it with you big and powerful types and rifling through my memories like they’re public domain? Back the fuck off and get your own goddamn life, you stupid brain leech! And for fuck’s sake, let me GO!”

Some of her water lifted up to my mouth, blocking off whatever I was trying to say. “You’re addicted to sex. You’re going through withdrawal. Normally, I would let you keep going and do my best to keep you calm, but doing that in this case would be suicide. Your heart is still weak and I can feel it picking up. You need relief, sadly.”

Finally!

“That is not the thought you need to have. If anything, this should be proof that you have a problem that needs to be fixed. Thankfully, you’re strong enough to walk right now. So what I’m going to do is force you awake. Then you are going to go into the bathroom and I am going to do something I will only ever do this month.”

Sure, whatever. Let’s just fucking do this!

“Ugh… I hate that it’s come to this.” I felt energy force me awake and I jerked in bed, my eyes shooting straight open.

After a quick look around the room, I threw the blankets off and stood up, doing my best to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible without sending me to the ground. I heard the wolf padding along behind me, not that I really cared. I was about to get relief and it was going to be great.

I kicked the door shut in front of the puppy’s face and didn’t bother to turn the light on. “What now?” I hastily asked, a smile growing on my face.

She sighed yet again. “Go ahead and take your pants off.” I did so, and followed her next few steps as quickly as I could. Basically, sit in the bathtub and lean back. Then I felt an intense blast of raw pleasure in my head.

When it was finished, I was sitting, stunned, quite a mess in front of me. “And you could have done that at any time?” I asked.

“Well, yes. I have some minute control in your brain, after all. I can stimulate all manner of chemicals up there to do all kinds of things.”

“…I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

“No, you won’t. I told you that I would only do that this month so you don’t have to worry about your heart. You still have a problem that you need to work on. I’ll help you get over it, but I won’t help you by replacing sex with an easier alternative.”

“I like sex too much to replace it with what you did. It felt good for all of a few seconds and then bleh. Still, good for a nice release here and there. Thank you, Flo. I feel quite a lot better.”

“Way to make me feel like a whore, Nav.”

I shrugged, picking myself up. “There’s nothing wrong with that. And I feel much, much better. We’ll have to do this more often, though; I don’t want to get that bad off again.”

“Do you at least now see that you have a problem?”

“Nope. I see that I have an addiction, which is not the same as a problem.” I gingerly knelt down to put my pants on, making sure not to bend my chest too much. “As long as I can keep getting laid on a regular basis, it’ll remain an addiction and not a problem.”

“Why? Why do you insist on doing this to yourself? And to Taya? You know you hurt her this week! You were on a razor’s edge ever since the fifth day. That’s two days you were yelling at your daughter, who you promised me that you would act better toward! So you were mistreated a few times, so you were abused. That doesn’t give you the right to act like a fucking asshole to everyone you meet and yourself!”

I don’t think I had ever heard Flo curse like that before. I sighed, letting my head gently rest on the door as I stood, thinking. “Look, you aren’t wrong. But… Fuck, I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to change, but I want what’s best for Taya. I like what I have now. I’m happy with it. Isn’t it something that I can keep under control? And as long as you’re in my head, can’t you regulate it, keep me full of the buzz when I’m running on a low time?”

“Nav, just listen to yourself…” She sounded softer now. “You always used to wonder what it was like for an addict, how they could keep going back to something that was destroying them. Look at yourself now. Look at what you’re willing to do to get more of what you want, what you think you need.”

“…It would be hard. And really, would it be worth it? Is it so bad—”

“You’re making excuses, now. Trying to bargain, trying to reason it out.”

“I can’t make a decision now. Not with my heart like this. You said it yourself: getting off this could kill me.”

“Yes, it could. But you can make a decision, Nav. I can gradually decrease what I do, giving you less of a dose each time. By the time the month is over, you’d probably be ready to go cold turkey.”

I ran a hand through my hair, ending with it on my neck as I stared at the floor, thinking. “I don’t know… Getting hooked again is easy, isn’t it? I can’t see myself living for the rest of my life without sex. Why risk the withdrawal effects now if I’ll just have to go through it again later?”

“For Taya, Nav. That’s why you should risk the effects. If you ever get hooked again, I can help you get off just as easily. It’s still a long process and it might involve some pain, but just remember that it’s all for Taya.”

“…I can try. If it’s too much or I find myself hating it, I can’t promise I’ll keep it up. I’m happy now, and if I’m not just as happy or happier then, I’d rather go back to an addiction.”

“That’s fair, if selfish. Very well, Navarone. Just live your month normally. I’ll be watching and waiting, ready to stop you if you do something you shouldn’t.”

“As usual.”

“As usual,” she confirmed, finally a hint of happiness entering her tone. I did my best to find some comfort in that as I dragged myself back to bed. This long month just got even longer.

Some time into the second week, I got another somewhat expected visitor, another catbird. I was outside on a nice lounge chair thing watching Spike and Taya train with each other when I heard a familiar voice behind me say, “Why are you always so lazy, Nav?”

I looked back to see the original Gilda walking toward me, the other Gilda at her side. “Someone has to supervise. And it doesn’t help that I have a hole in my chest. How’s it going, Gilda?”

“Pretty good, now that I have my estate settled in. I didn’t think you’d find a replacement for me so soon, though. Has the same name and everything. A girl could get jealous.”

“She’ll never take your place in my heart; after all, she won’t let me fuck her.” Princess Gilda scoffed at that. “But if you’re going to be visiting for a few days, I’ll have to come up with something new to call at least one of you. Two Gildas is going to confuse the hell out of me.”

“You met me first,” the Gilda I met first said. “So I can be number one.”

“But I’m a princess. So I should be number one.”

“I’m older!”

“I’m prettier!”

“Oh, you wanna pull that card? We’ll see who’s prettier after I’m done with you!”

“Girls!” I shouted, not wanting to see this escalate into a catfight when I didn’t even have popcorn. “Gilda is right, I did meet her first. And Gilda is also right; she’s prettier.” I let them figure out who I meant by that one. They cast each other small glares. I looked to the first one I met. “I met you first, so you can be the real OG.” I looked to the other one. “You’re younger, a princess, and you won’t let me fuck you, so you can be PG. OG and PG. Not that hard, yeah?”

PG sniffed, but nodded. “An acceptable compromise. Very well. Not that she’ll be here for long anyway.”

OG shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me. As little miss princess here said, I probably won’t stick around too long. I just wanted to see how you were doing, Nav. I see it takes more than losing your heart to keep you down.”

“Yeah. My heart is nothing more than an engine created from the remnants of a dead star anyway. I’m probably better off without it. How’s your mom handling not having a husband around?”

“She’s doing great. I got her set up with pretty much all the money she needs to support her habits and I still have plenty left over for myself. Never have to work a day in my life and I’m still young.”

“Glad at least someone benefitted from something I did, then.”

“Sorta. It’s also been… boring. I have to say, there’s something always exciting about living on the edge, always wondering where your next meal’s gonna come from. Wondering how you’ll make ends meet this time or if you’ll manage to make it out of town before any trouble catches up with you.”

I nodded and found myself slowly smiling as she talked. “I know that feel, actually. It’s freeing to not be tied down. And come find me in private before you go back home. I have an offer for you.”

OG shrugged. “Alright. Ain’t got much else to do around here. Chill with Dash, go hunting, maybe find that cool little dragon again—dude’s pretty useful, with his fire. Really, I’m just using this as a stopping point for my next adventure, wherever it takes me.”

“It’s good to hear you’re having fun, I guess. Just be careful; you don’t want to end up like me.”

“Psh. I’m not stupid enough to turn my back to an enemy. Seriously Nav, that was retarded. You didn’t deserve this, but you did deserve to get stabbed.”

“I’m glad to see that you’re so caring. I’ll try to be more careful in the future, that’s for sure. I absolutely hate being stuck like this.”

“I would too. Though if I remember right, you have a changeling maid that does whatever you tell her to. It wouldn’t be so bad to just laze around all day making someone else do everything for you.”

“A day or two, sure. A month? Ugh.”

“Fair enough. Now, I need to go see Dash about something right quick. If she ain’t got a spare room for me, you mind if I crash here tonight?”

“You’re free to stay here. Just, you know, don’t break anything.”

“I’m not a hatchling, Nav. I’ll see you later. You too, Princess.” Before either of us could say anything, she shot her wings out and took off, jumping high into the air.

The remaining Gilda looked down to me. “You find the strangest friends. I remember you mentioning her, though. Who is she, again?”

“One of your cousins, I think. All I know is that she owns some estate or something after her father got arrested. You’ll have to ask her for more.”

“I might do that. Probably not, though. Can we go back to using the laptop now?”

“Can it wait until Taya is done? I like watching her practice.”

“We could just bring the laptop out here, you know.”

“And risk a pegasus spotting it? Or let the pony instructor see it? Not gonna happen.”

“Or you could just trust me with it. Do you really trust me so little?”

“I trust everyone that little, no offense. That laptop is irreplaceable and has a number of important things on it that I have yet to copy. I absolutely can’t let it come to any harm. I really hope you understand.”

She sighed and nodded. “I suppose it’s another day of twiddling my talons. There’s little else to do in this place.”

“You could read. I have a study somewhere that has most of the books I ever published, many of which came from Earth. I don’t know how well circulated they are, so you might find some that you never got up in Gryphus.”

“Possibly. I suppose reading is better than doing nothing. I will see you later, Nav. Enjoy watching your daughter.”

I settled back in as Gilda left. I don’t know if I really enjoyed watching Taya, but she seemed to do at least a little better when I was actively watching her. I suppose that was a good enough reason for me to keep doing it.

Bon-Bon showed up at my house a few days later, all smiles. She barely waited for me to call her to enter before she jumped in. “She said yes!”

For once, I had something really good to smile about. “That’s wonderful! She wasn’t pissed about the whole you feeding on her thing?”

“She was a little upset and I had to do some convincing and explaining, but she understood in the end. We haven’t decided if we’ll tell anypony else yet, though. And getting her to meet the in-laws might be awkward, but we’ll make it work.”

“So when’s the wedding? As long as you two have been together, I can’t imagine you’d wait for long.”

“It’ll be a few weeks, at least… That is, if you accept.” I lifted an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. Her smile only deepened. “After talking it out, we both decided that we’d be honored if you would marry us, Nav.”

“I’m honored, but I don’t do threesomes with couples. And marriage? Don’t get me started.”

She chuckled. “No, we want you to marry us. Do the ceremony for us, I mean.”

“Can I even… do that? Aren’t there laws in place or something?”

“Of course! Not just anypony can perform marriage ceremonies, Nav. But you’re a knight of high rank and good standing, so you can. And since you’re a friend to both the ponies and the changelings, we think it would be perfect if you would do it.”

I thought for less than a second before nodding. “I’ll do it. I don’t know if there’s any kind of paperwork or anything I’d need to fill out, though. If you can look into that or find out anything about it, that would be wonderful. I’ll also need to know my lines; I’ve only ever attended one pony wedding, and that was a royal one.”

“Twilight found what one of Celestia’s knights would say, but couldn’t find any records of Luna’s knights. Honestly though, the wedding is all for Lyra’s benefit. I don’t care what words are said, as long as the result is that we’ll be together forever.”

“That’s the right way to think, right there. I’ll see what I can dig up. According to the doctors, I’ll be laid up for another few weeks. Give me a month or so and I should be well enough to do the ceremony. It’ll probably take you two a while to get everything set up anyway.”

She nodded. “I’m going to try to keep it a small ceremony, but I have no telling how well that’ll work if Lyra starts talking to anypony about it. If it gets too large… Well, we’ll manage. I’m just so excited! Oh, but I better get out of your mane. Now you rest easy, Nav, and get better.”

“I definitely plan on it, Bon-Bon. Just get all the information to me when you can.”

“Of course. See you later, and thanks for everything!”

When she was gone, I patted the pocket with Doppel as I leaned back. “See there? Looks like changelings and ponies can coexist easily enough. They can even fall in love.”

Tiny Doppel looked up at me. “Maybe. But note that she’s still in her pony body. How well received do you think she would be if her secret got out? If everyone knew who she was? I know that you’re happy for her, but do you really think this would end well if she revealed herself at the wedding?”

“I don’t know. I hope I won’t find out, either; I’d much rather this story end happily, thank you. Now, get me some paper. I have a few letters to write.” At this point, she was well-practiced at getting into and out of my shirt pocket, so she was down on the ground quickly. When I had my paper, I quickly wrote out a letter to Luna asking about Lunar Knight marriage customs and a letter to the mayor asking about legal forms that needed to be filled out for marriage. I sent them off with Doppel when Taya came back in from her practice session.

I had a really good feeling about it, for some reason. It was really nice to see something that I had a hand in that didn’t turn to shit.

I got Gilda, OG, alone one morning after Taya went and while I had Doppel busy with something. “So what did you need?” she asked. “If you’re looking for a quickie, I don’t know, dude. You look pretty beat up.”

“If only… No, I have an offer. You mentioned that you were bored of the rich girl’s life. In a few months, I’m going on an… adventure of sorts. I got a decently sized crew, an airship, and a few destinations in mind. But I’m always looking for a few skills, like fast fliers and dangerous scouts.”

“Hm… Anyone else I know going?”

“Taya, the naga, and Spike, so far. I haven’t spoken to Doppel yet. Remember that big bag of money you helped me drop off? That was for the airship we’ll be on.”

“I’ll have to think about it. Sounds pretty cool, but I don’t like committing to anything without thinking it over. Think we could invite Dash? That seems like something that’d be right up her alley.”

“No. Dash is apparently one of something called the elements of harmony or some bullshit. She needs to stay here. And I don’t want anyone in Equestria knowing that I’m leaving, so I’d ask that you keep the offer to yourself while you’re here. Get an answer to me before winter is half over. We’ll probably be going cold places and warm places. I know you’re fluffy and warm, but you might need some clothes or something.”

“I’ll be fine. So why are you heading out? Bored of the life here?”

“That’s one reason. Another is mapping. Not all of this world is fully explored, or at least not to the ponies. I’d like to fix that. I have a few other reasons that are my own, though.”

“Alright, whatever. You got anything else to say, or can I go back out? I’m heading out soon and I want to finish up here.”

“That’s all. Have a good time, wherever you go and whatever you decide.” All the little pieces are finally coming together… If I didn’t think it would hurt so much, I would laugh evilly. Also, it would be silly because I wasn’t planning anything evil.

…Yet.

Shining Armor came back some time after I sent him the original copy of the two books, a chess board and pieces, and the rules for it. When he stepped into my room, he levitated two neater copies of the books over to me. “These are the only two remaining copies, Navarone,” he said, dropping them on my bed. “The others were burned. I saw to it myself. And after reading them, I must say, I don’t understand why you wanted them burned. They don’t paint your kind in the best of lights, I’ll admit, but they would build respect toward you and the struggles you’ve all faced.”

“Don’t care. I suppose I can put these two in my personal library, though I question the wisdom of keeping any copies at all. What did your officers think of them?”

“Most were quite impressed, though it didn’t seem that everything in the books corresponded to war tactics. The Prince, for example, didn’t seem to relate that much to tactics.”

“I know you’re not here to talk book club shit. What about chess? How’d you and your officers like that one?”

The smile on his face took a noticeable dip. “Some of us were less than impressed. A few others quite enjoyed it. One officer demanded I give you a letter expressing his distaste for the game. After reading over it and finding that he compared the game to excrement, I decided it would be best if I didn’t. All of that said, we spread the game to some of the lower ranking guards and it seems that some of them enjoy it as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if it spread farther. Honestly, I’m quite surprised that nopony ever thought of it before, as relatively simple as it is.”

I shrugged and said, “There are all kinds of other games out there that humans have come up with. There’s one called checkers that uses the same board. I might share the rules for that later, if I think about it. Did you at least see the strategy behind chess? Or did any of your officers figure it out?”

He nodded. “The night guard commander, Midnight Blossom, did quite well in it. I and a few others did decently as well. I would love to see the two princesses play a match one day.”

That would be horrifying. “Maybe one day. Show it to them if you want, I guess. If the kingdom goes to ruin because the princesses spend a year playing a single game, that’s your problem.”

“Since you’re abandoning us, it probably would be my problem. But that’s none of my business, I suppose. Oh, I almost forgot!” His horn flashed and a scroll appeared next to him. He floated it over to himself. “This is from Princess Luna. She said it was for a wedding, whatever that means. Are you getting married without telling me?”

“No, I’m performing a wedding ceremony. Apparently knights can do that. Two friends asked me to do it for them. I rather strongly doubt I’ll make a habit out of it.”

“Well, be careful. I’ve heard stories where a knight trying to perform a marriage ceremony ended up married to the groom, the ring, and the bride’s mother. Princess Celestia made them wait a week to break the marriage. Wouldn’t want that to happen to you.”

“The ceremony is for two mares. If I fuck up, it wouldn’t be too bad, I gotta say.”

“You might think that. They might have a very different tune. Now, I would stay and talk, but I need to get back to work. I’ve already used up most of my vacation time this month. I’ll talk to you later, Nav.”

“Yeah. And thanks for dropping this stuff off. See you whenever.” I broke the seal on the scroll as he left and unrolled it. A quick reading of the scroll proved that Luna was extremely pragmatic when it came to marriage. “This is going to be a quick service. Gonna need some stuff from Rarity, though…”

I was actually able to get up and move around much easier now, so I reached over to where I had left the notepad and pen, writing down some specifications for the robes I needed from Rarity. I’d send them off whenever I saw Doppel again.

Until then, I could study my lines until Flo could repeat them to me in my mind as needed.

After what felt like way too long, my doctor finally pronounced that the dark curse in my wound had been lifted somehow. We all figured it just finally wore off. With it gone, the doctor and Taya both were able to fully heal me, instantly giving me freedom from the bed and the house.

It felt absolutely amazing.

Not everyone agreed. As I was picking myself off the bed and stretching for all I was worth, Taya was looking pretty down. When I was fully stretched and felt like I was able to actually move around again, I said, “What’s wrong, Taya?”

She sighed. “I had fun this month, daddy. And now it’s over... Things are going back to the way they were and I won’t see you much anymore.”

Ain’t that a shame. Flo smacked me in the back of the head. I was joking! “Don’t worry, Taya. I’m going to do my best to spend more time with you from now on. I’ll still have duties and we can’t spend all of our time together, but whenever you think I’m not spending enough with you, just straight up tell me and I’ll do my best to make up for it.”

“Can we... do something today? To celebrate?”

“I promised Spike that I would take him to visit another friend of mine as soon as I got better, and I do need some exercise first. And you still need to have your session with your tutor. I promise that when we get back, we can find something to do to celebrate. But don’t worry; just because I’m finally healthy and back to normal doesn’t mean I forgot what I learned this month.”

As I knelt down to wrap my daughter in a hug, Flo whispered, “I hope you remember what you just said, Navarone. Spending more time with Taya isn’t the only thing you decided this month.”

I’ll do my best to spend less time with Doppel. She’s doing well enough with Spike for right now, so I shouldn’t have to feed her as much anymore.

“Just because you don’t have to doesn’t mean you won’t. I’ll be here to remind you, in any case. And just think, Nav: You thought this month would be a complete waste.”

Chapter Eighty-One—Dreamwalking

Chapter Eighty-One—Dreamwalking

I celebrated my newfound freedom by kicking Spike’s ass all up and down the training field. He may be as strong as I am, but he wasn’t as fast, lithe, big, or experienced. I helped him up at the end of our little session. “That was a nice little workout,” I said with a smile, pulling him off the ground.

“For you, maybe. Now I have two guys out here beating me around! You’re lucky dragons don’t bruise, Nav, or I’d make you explain to Twilight why I come home black and blue every day.”

“Stop your bitching. I can get bruises, and I have. I even got half my teeth knocked out one day. Why do you think I’m in my armor right now?”

“…Exercise?”

“Hell no. This stuff is pretty light, surprisingly. It’s so I don’t break anything when the naga slaps me around. Now that I’m feeling pretty good, you want to go visit my dragon friend?”

That got his attention away from his wounded pride. “Can we? Right now? What are we waiting for?”

“We’re waiting on us getting some real weapons. He lives in the Everfree, and I’m not going near that place without something to fight with, even if we’ll just be flying over it. Leave your shield; I can’t carry you, it, and our weapons.” We both walked over to where we had left our shit. “Just your sword. We won’t be in danger territory long enough to need the crossbow.”

“Then why are we carrying weapons at all?”

“Because I got stabbed in the fucking back in a place that wasn’t supposed to be dangerous. I’m not going anywhere unarmed. I’m only bringing my gun and some knives, though. You’ll be fine with just a sword.”

“So… what does that gun do?” he asked as I slung it over my shoulder.

“It’s a crossbow, but better. And remember, it’s one of the things that Twilight doesn’t get to know about. Like this trip into the Everfree.”

“My lips are sealed!”

“Good.” I grabbed Spike and slung him over my other shoulder. “Let’s go.”

“Wait!” I already had my wings out and was about to take off, but I stopped. “Do I have to ride over your shoulder?”

“Unless you want me to cradle you in my arms, yes. Do you want me to cradle you, Spike?”

“It’ll only be us that sees it, Nav.”

I shrugged and pulled him off my shoulder, holding him like a hero holds a lady. “If we get called gay, I’m not denying a word,” I said, finally taking off.

“Psh. As if anypony would care.”

“You mean like Rarity?”

He just muttered darkly, looking away as we sailed over the forest. About ten minutes later, I began circling around the cave area, looking for a decent landing spot.

“Whoa whoa whoa, this is the dragon’s cave?” Spike asked, looking down at the place we were about to land.

“Yeah, Reginald’s cave. It’s much nicer inside.”

“Nav, you don’t understand. I’ve been here before! I know the dragon in there! He tried to kill me!”

“Spike, why were you in the middle of the Everfree?” I wasn’t about to land just yet, not if Spike is talking about possibly getting killed.

“It’s a long story that involves Owlowiscious and jealousy issues. Not important. What is important is that I might have accidentally eaten some of his gems and he kinda tried to kill me.”

“Oh, you’re the dragon he was talking about! When I first met him, he was really paranoid about thieves, mentioning some hatchling stealing some shit and not apologizing for it.”

“Yeah… So let’s just go now before it’s too late.”

I started landing. “I have a better idea. You go in there and apologize like a man. You stole and you will own up to it. If he freaks out, we’ll book it and hope for the best. If not, you can ask your questions.”

“Nav, I’m… I’m not so sure about this. He was big and sharp and scary!”

“And he’s also an extremely decorated war veteran that could kill you in an instant if he was really trying. He was probably just scaring you off. Stop being a pussy.”

By that point, I was on the ground and in no real hurry to take off again. My wings hadn’t been moving all too much lately, so they were somewhat sore from the flight. Spike’s eyes went wide when he heard a snort of what might have been snoring from the cave.

“Alright, let’s go,” I said, pulling my gun up and priming a round. I didn’t pump it, but I would rather have it mostly ready just in case. I heard him take a very deep breath before starting to follow me. We got to the entrance of the cave before his steps started faltering. I stopped and turned back. “Relax, Spike. If anything bad happens, I’m here.”

He took another deep breath before nodding. “Okay. I’m ready.”

I turned back around and kept walking in. I got a few steps before I felt his hand grip mine. I looked down to see him holding onto me, presumably for comfort, and looking every which way as we walked further into the cave. I was tempted to jerk my hand away, but he was still young and there’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of fear. He was holding together well enough, so I let him have whatever comfort he might get from holding my hand.

I heard Reginald begin humming or doing something as we walked inside. “I smell a friend,” he whispered, slowly pulling out of his bed of jewels. “A friend and…” He took a deep whiff before jolting out of the pile and sending jewels everywhere. “A thief!”

Spike fucking jumped behind me as I held up the hand that he wasn’t holding. “Now hold on a moment, Reginald. He’s not here to steal this time. He’s here to apologize for what he took and maybe explain why.”

Reginald huffed, blasting the two of us with steam and making me sweat horribly in my armor. “So you say. But he is hiding behind you, clutching at your hand in fear. I hear no apology.”

I rolled my eyes and dragged Spike out of his horrible hiding place with his grip on my hand, standing him upright in front of me. After a second of nothing, I nudged him and whispered, “Man up, Spike. If I can’t trust you to apologize, how can I ever trust you in battle?”

His achingly strong grip on my hand eased up as his eyes squeezed open. After yet another long and deep breath, he let go of me entirely and stood at his full height. In a voice that was much higher than his normal one, he quickly said, “I’m sorry for stealing your jewels and I’ll never do it again and please don’t kill me!”

“Hmm… And why were you in my cave, hatchling?”

“I… I ran away from home… I didn’t have anywhere else to go! I didn’t think the ponies wanted me and I don’t know any dragons… I just went into the first dry place I found in the thunderstorm, and this was it. I didn’t know it was somepony’s cave!”

“Somepony?” he hissed, leaning in close. “You were the egg from the trade! I hate that treaty… But my name is on it, so I can hardly complain. That explains why you know so little. Are you still missing a home, hatchling?”

Spike slowly shook his head. “I… I live with the ponies. What treaty? What trade?”

“Every few years, the ponies get a dragon egg randomly taken from the horde. The treaty is old and the reasons behind it are unimportant. I assume that you were the egg taken. I wonder how they hatched you… But that is also not important. Tell me, what do you know of the dragons? What do you know of your own kind?”

“Almost nothing… Nav here helped me track down some dragons during the great migration that told me some things, but then some pony ‘friends’ of mine showed up and ruined everything. I didn’t learn nearly as much as I wanted to know.”

Reginald cast his gaze to me. “Navarone, you are a friend and I do trust you. However, I request that you leave. You have my assurance that no harm will come to your friend. I will educate him.”

“When can I come back? If I leave him here overnight, I will get my ass tore out the frame by his… caretaker.”

“Give me two hours. I will take more time if needed.”

I shouldered my rifle. “I’ll be here then.” I looked down to my little friend. “Spike, behave. If Twilight finds out about this, it will probably be a once in a lifetime chance, so make it count just in case.”

“You got it, Nav! And thanks.”

“No problem. I’ll see you both in two hours.” I started walking out, listening to Spike try to introduce himself to Reginald, now considerably less afraid. I was pretty sure that Reggie wouldn’t go back on his word and hurt Spike. I was hoping he wouldn’t, because Twilight would kill me.

Lacking anything else to do, I started walking into the woods to hunt. With the way Taya was attempting to regulate my diet, I didn’t end up with much in the way of meat during that long month. With two dragons behind me to cook, I figure I could find something, kill it, get them to cook it, and eat it without Taya freaking out.

So into the woods I went, pumping my rifle as I walked. I knew there was probably nothing dangerous for me in this place, but that doesn’t mean I like going in there unprepared to fight.

Do you know how I’ve said before that the forest is dark and miasmatic? It’s never really a fun time to go into the Everfree, but it’s a good place to hunt and you’ll always have a surprising encounter or two.

My surprising encounter this time was walking up on two manticores going at it like they were anim—Well, yeah. I was tempted to just walk away, but the female was just the right size to drag back to the cave. I’m not going to say I watched, but it was hard not to hear them growling and the female… moaning?

When the male finally finished, he pulled off the chick and immediately left, not even bothering to make sure she was fine. The girl, for her part, collapsed to the ground, seemingly panting. That was weird, but I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on manticore mating habits. I quickly lifted up my gun and aimed right at it.

It seems I made too much noise or something, because she lifted her head to look at me. When she somehow saw me, her eyes went wide and she screamed, “Wait!”

I almost dropped the gun in surprise. Manticores can’t talk! “What the fuck?”

The manticore was bathed in a green fire as it turned into a heavily blushing changeling. My mouth just dropped. “I can explain!” she said.

“I don’t want an explanation. I’m just gonna go. You stay here, away from me.” I turned around and started quickly walking away. When I heard the changeling jumping up and bounding after me, I started running. I didn’t get far because it’s hard to run in armor. She jumped in front of me.

“I like animals and it feels good and I needed food and please don’t tell the hive!” she very quickly said.

I crossed my arms. “I didn’t see a fucking thing. I don’t care what you did because it’s not my problem and there were no victims. If you like spiky penises, whatever. Now I’m going to keep walking and you’re going to stay here and do whatever floats your boat.”

I turned left and started quickly walking again. She hopped up next to me. “Soooo… What’s your name?”

I stopped, running a gauntleted hand down my face in annoyance. “I’m not doing this. Unless you know where some really tasty animal is—and I mean the kill and cook kind of tasty—then buzz off.”

“I know where something is! It’s called a fenghuang! I really like it, but I think it can smell the changeling on me… So you can kill it. I can show you where it is if you promise not to tell anyone!”

“I already—You know what, sure. No clue what a fenghuang is, but alright. Lead the way.”

She grinned and began walking into the woods. “So I found out about my desires—”

“No talking allowed. We wouldn’t want to scare the animals, after all.”

“Oh, it’s okay; they’re all used to me. I’m not usually in my changeling body, though.”

“How about this, then? No talking allowed. We wouldn’t want to scare me, after all.”

“Scare you? How? It’s perfectly natural!”

“I’m not having this discussion. Just keep walking and stop talking.”

She sighed, her head drooping. I just kept following her, doing my best to look anywhere but her backside, where it was rather obvious she had just been having fun. After a few minutes of walking in silence, she said, “My name’s Mirror. What’s yours?”

I sighed and answered, “Navarone. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me.”

Her ears immediately drooped down. “I have,” she whispered, looking away.

That sounded rather morose and not what I was expecting, but I wasn’t about to bring that up. Instead I just kept following her, hoping to find whatever it was she was trying to show me.

“So how long have you been in the forest?” she asked after another few minutes.

“Less than an hour, this time. I’ve spent a lot more time here in the past. Look, how far away is this thing?”

“Not much farther. Just another half hour! So what brings you to the lovely Everfree?”

“Why don’t we just fly there? We both have wings. Animals don’t see me anyway, so we can just land nearby, I can go and kill it, and then we can finally go our separate ways and never see each other again.”

“You don’t want to be friends?”

“I’m not a friendly person.” I stretched my wings, ready to take off. “Now let’s go.” Her little dragonfly wings twitched into life and we both took off. Getting through the trees was a little difficult, but that didn’t stop us. When we cleared the top, she changed into a blue jay and started flying in the same direction that we had been walking. I followed her.

What should have been a thirty minute walk took about three minutes by air. Not having to deal with trees in the way or going around hills saved a lot of time. Soon enough, she began dipping into the trees. I did my best to follow her and ended up on the ground with only a little bit of pain; getting through tree cover with huge wings is hard.

She turned back into a changeling when we were both on the ground and whispered, “Its nest is just ahead, inside the massive tree.”

I peered ahead of us, toward a tree that I remembered from one of my earlier trips. I do believe it was probably the tallest tree in the entire forest, though I don’t remember there being a nest in or near it.

“Well,” I said, checking my gun, “it was interesting meeting you. Don’t follow me and please never talk to me again.” I began walking away.

She immediately began following me. “So I was thinking… After you kill the fenghuang, my hobby’s gonna be a lot easier. Most of the other changelings in the hive are pretty boring and if I’m going to have a lot of free time anyway, do you mind if I come by your place sometimes to hang out?”

“I mind very much. Don’t come to my house. You come to my house, I’ll drag you back to the hive and tell everyone there what I found you doing.”

“I guess it’s okay if you come to my place instead. I have a home away from home nearby. When can I expect you?”

“How about the weekend after never? I think I’ll be free then.”

“Is that one of those weird pony month names? I don’t remember that one. I think I’ll have time in three days. I just need to get the place spruced up a bit first. I can tell you how to get there after you kill the bird for me.”

“Then you wait here so I can actually sneak up on the damn thing. It’ll know you’re coming.”

“Oh! Right. I’ll just wait here.” She casually plopped her ass down on the ground. “Hurry back!”

Finally. I continued alone and in silence, the gun at the ready. When I finally cleared the brush and the forest around the extremely large tree, I looked up and started walking around it, trying to find anything that looked like either a nest or a place the nest could hide. As I was doing that, I was counting myself lucky that this tree wasn’t an evergreen, because I wouldn’t be able to see the trunk at all were that the case.

I saw a hole in the tree about halfway up the thing on the side opposite of where I started circling. I stretched my wings yet again and took off, trying to be relatively silent. When I finally got up to the hole, I saw that it was about my size. I immediately regretted landing right on the lip of the hole.

As soon as I touched down, some fuckmassive bird shot out of the hole, talons outstretched and beak ready to strike. I fell backwards in shock and his talons grabbed me. Thankfully, his beak completely missed the mark. I don’t think he was expecting the weight of a human in full armor, because we began sinking toward the ground at an alarming rate. What was more troubling is that he was using his talons to pull me closer to him, his beak primed to strike at the only part of my body that wasn’t armored.

The one day I didn’t wear a helmet, I swear to God. Since I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to get the gun up at that angle, I ripped one of my knives out of its sheath and plunged it into the thing’s chest. It released an immense and eardrum-shattering screech and tried letting me go. I released the dagger and grabbed onto its talon with one hand while the other held onto the gun, me not willing to let such a priceless weapon break from the height.

The height that was, as I found when I looked down, rapidly decreasing. I slid the rifle in its sling around my shoulder as I reached up and grabbed the knife in the bird’s chest, dragging it downward and cutting open more of the bird, releasing a torrent of bright red blood onto my head and wings. When my knife finally pulled free, I let go of the bird and shot my wings out, kicking off some of the blood and greatly slowing my personal descent. The bird just started spiraling to the ground.

My fall was more controlled, and I landed right next to the crumpled form of the bird that was still slightly twitching. I spat next to the thing’s body, a line of blood dribbling down my face. “Just had to make it hard, you bitch.” I knelt down next to it and plunged my knife into its throat. “Well, guess who came out on top anyway?” I ripped my dagger out and rubbed it across the bird’s feathers, cleaning it. When it was good enough, I slid it back in its sheath. “Now how am I going to get you back?” I mused, standing up and looking over my kill.

“I can help!” a certain annoying changeling said, popping up next to me.

I ignored her as I looked over the thing’s body. It was probably just under twice my height and I wouldn’t be surprised if the damn thing weighed as much as I did without my armor. It also had the most beautiful feathers and fucked up body I had seen on anything in a while. It looked like it was made up of all kinds of birds, and possibly some other animals as well. I almost regret killing it, just because this thing would have been awesome to see flying around.

But almost doesn’t cut it for long. “Looks like I’m having turducken tonight,” I said, nudging the body with a foot to determine weight and possible center of mass.

“What’s that?” Mirror asked, joining me in poking the bird.

“A human joke. Now buzz off.”

“Ha, I get that one! Because I have bug-like wings!” She demonstrated by shaking them quickly, making a low buzzing noise. “So how are we gonna carry it back to your place, Navi?”

I was right on the edge of getting very angry with this little bug. “Didn’t you say you wanted to get your home ready?” I asked, at least trying to stay somewhat pleasant.

“Oh, I always have time to help a friend!”

“No, I insist. Go home. Right now.”

“Wellll… If you insist. You look big and strong; I’m sure you can carry him back alone. Remember, you can come visit in three days!” Her wings stretched again and she almost took off, but stopped at the last minute. After a second of consideration, she jumped forward and latched onto me, hugging me. I didn’t notice her horrible stench until that point, but it flooded into my nose when she touched me. “It was nice meeting you, Navi!” Before I could do anything, her wings kicked in and she flew off.

And she completely forgot to tell me where she lived, thankfully. Here’s hoping I’ll never see her again…

“For once, I agree with you,” Flo said in my head. “There was something very, very wrong with her, mentally. No one normal comes into a forest and pretends to be an animal to get sex.”

“Look, I don’t even want to think about it. Just help me figure out how to get this thing back.”

“Put one leg in both hands and just fly. It’ll probably be hard, but that’s likely the best way. Just do it quickly, before she comes back.” She had a very good point. I grabbed one of the thing’s legs and jumped off from the ground, shooting my wings down and attempting to get some height.

It took me a little while, but I finally got above the treeline. I was very thankful for my treelike stamina at that point, even though that didn’t spare my wings from some soreness. When I was finally up, I started sailing away toward the area where Reginald had his cave. I don’t think I was anywhere near the two hours being up, but I could still sit outside and start gathering some sticks and shit for a fire.

Proving that there might possibly still be a god out there, I made it to the cave without that crazy changeling finding me. I dropped the bird from a few feet in the air, not wanting to carry the damn thing for any longer. I landed next to it and took a moment to stretch and look around before grabbing some suitable looking wood for a fire and setting them all up for a good campfire setting.

I released the air pressure in my rifle when I started sitting down and carving the bird. I was expecting that I’d be perfectly safe in front of a dragon’s cave, since there were scorch marks all around and the trees were cleared for a good twenty meters. Most animals would probably be afraid of an area where anything that trespasses risks getting melted or eaten. That didn’t stop me from keeping my hand near the rifle, ready to pick it up in an instant, though.

It had been a good long time since I carved up a bird. I was hoping I did well enough. And if not, well, fuck them.

By the time I finished, I think the two hours were up. And if they weren’t up, they were close enough to it. I stood up and ran a hand over my hair, knocking out some of the well-dried blood. I need a stream or something. Christ. After I had cleaned myself up a little, I walked over to the cave entrance and called, “Yo, you guys done yet?”

About half a minute after I called in, Spike came walking out. “Just abo—Whoa! What happened to you?!”

I jerked a thumb behind me at the dissected bird thing. “Caught dinner. It tried catching me. Go get a fire started. I want to find out if Reggie has a stream or something I can get this blood out with. Anything tries stealing my food, fucking torch it.”

“Uh… Are you okay? It didn’t hurt you, did it?”

“Nah, I’m good. I just got blood all over me. I’ll be back soonish, I hope.”

“Alright… And thanks for this again, Nav. He explained so much! Did you know that I have claws? Check this out!” He lifted one of his arms and held up his hand. With a loud clicking noise, claws pushed out from each of his digits. They weren’t that big and didn’t seem that fearsome, but they were a more formidable weapon than his bare whatever he called them.

“That is pretty cool. Just be careful with those things. It would be extremely uncomfortable if they came out while you were pissing.”

“…Yeah. Well, you go get washed up. I finally get to cook meat again!”

“Have fun with that.” I walked past him into the cave as he started walking outside. I probably should have warned him about Mirror, but I wasn’t expecting to ever see her again anyway.

When I got into the cave, I found Reginald looking away, deeper into the cave. Steam was slowly coming from his nostrils. I had no idea what that meant, but it probably wasn’t a good sign. “Hey, you alright?” I asked, stopping.

“I feel… off, Navarone,” he answered, spinning his head toward me. “Like—” His eyes went wide. “What happened to you? Were you accosted yet again? I’ll kill the monster!” I was not expecting that reaction. As his anger grew, claws poked out of his hands, his pupils contracted, his tail grew spikes, and his wings shot out.

“I’m fine! I went hunting and made a mistake and ended up with blood everywhere. Everything’s just fine, man! Calm down.”

He snorted out a billowing cloud of steam as he slowly calmed, his body reverting to its previous state. “I… see. And you did not think to wash?”

“The last time I tried going to a river in the Everfree, I ran into a gay river serpent that wanted to spend entirely too much time with me. I was hoping you knew of a stream or something nearby that doesn’t have anything dangerous in it.”

He sank to all fours, shaking the earth and causing a few gemslides in his mounds of treasure. “There is one in the back of my cave.” He shot one of his hands out and grabbed me, sitting me on his back. He started walking to the back of his cave without explaining why I was now riding him. “As I was saying, I feel off. The dragon, Spike, knows so little. He claimed that there were no books relating to our kind in all of Equestria, or at least none that went into much detail. It seems impossible; I authored two myself only three thousand years ago!”

“Dude, a lot can happen in three thousand years, especially when you’re dealing with a mortal race.”

“I do not believe it is this race’s mortality that is the problem, Navarone. I believe that information is being hidden, kept from others. The friend you sent me, the pony by the name of Watcher, had no idea who Discord was. None at all. All he knew of was the statue. Discord existed before the memory of every living being I know, and the ponies don’t even know about him. That isn’t the sign of a clerical error or information being lost. That is a sign of information being hidden and destroyed.”

“Speaking of Discord, I need to know more about him.”

“You and your friend both. Personally, I know little. I knew him before he destroyed the alicorn race and I knew him as he ruled the world in his chaotic clutches, but never once did he make any sense to me. He did all he could to thwart the efforts of Celestia and Luna as they attempted to seal him in stone, and then applauded them in their efforts to stop him. He perverted Chrysalis and some alicorns into the changelings we know of today. He did a myriad of other things, few of which were important. And he resides to this day in the statue garden in Canterlot.”

“I am not so sure of that, Reginald,” I said, patting his neck.

“Again, you mimic your friend. Given Discord’s power, I would not be entirely surprised to learn that he could influence some small things around his statue, but not much.”

“For one, he got into my dreams while I was miles away.”

“Hm…” He reached around his back and pulled me off again, setting me down next to a small spring that bubbled into his cave from some underground source. “I never did forget the naga caves, after all the time I spent there,” he said, looking down into the water and brushing a talon through it. “But go on.”

I unbuckled my breastplate, pulled my shirt off, and pulled the rubber band out of my hair as I continued, “And his statue is hollow. If there might have been something inside of it once, it’s gone now.”

“That is… troubling. And coupled with some of what Watcher told me, it warrants investigation. But this is entirely against everything I know of Discord. He does not sit back and watch. He is too powerful and apathetic. He would be playing some manner of game with us, giving us some way of winning or knowing he was around. Sitting in the shadows is not something he would do.”

“Hey, I don’t know if he’s out and about or not. Hell, I don’t particularly care if he is. But between you and me, this motherfucker destroyed my entire race.” I stopped to dunk my upper body under the water, letting my wings fall in next to me. It was very cool, not quite dipping into cold. After shaking my head and rubbing as much of the blood out as I could, I pulled my head up and took a nice breath of air.

“How could he have killed your race?” he asked, genuinely confused.

I sat back, letting the water and some extra blood drip off me. “I found out recently that I didn’t come from another dimension, as I thought. I came from the past. The far, far past. I can’t give you more details or tell you how I know this, but as it turns out some manner of element of chaos is responsible for killing off my people. And I know from other sources that the same element of chaos is responsible for killing off or imprisoning a group of entities known as the elementals.”

“And you can’t disclose those sources?”

“I’m afraid not. And I’d greatly prefer you keep them to yourself, too. If Luna or Celestia learned about what I just told you, uncomfortable questions would be asked.”

“Very well. My silence is assured. However, it is still important that they be told that Discord might be on the loose. I will deliver this information to them personally.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to tell them without more proof?”

“Yes. They may have more proof that they overlooked because they did not think Discord was active. If it is brought to their attention, they will reevaluate things.”

“When will you leave?”

“If Discord hasn’t moved yet, I doubt he will move soon. I will leave when night falls, to seek out Luna. Are you clean, Navarone?”

“Nah, I’ll never be clean again. The blood’s gone, though.” I stuffed my shirt into the breastplate and grabbed it, standing up. “Ready to head back when you are.”

He tilted a head to the side, staring at my chest. “What are those protrusions on your chest?” He lifted a hand and very gently poked one of my nipples.

I blinked, completely surprised by that. “Uh… nipples? If I was a woman, that’s where milk would be stored for our young.”

“Ah, mammal. I forgot.” His talons wrapped around me, setting me on his back again. “If you or Spike ever need more information, you are both welcome here at any time. I believe Spike will be considerably more formidable in battle now that he knows more about his body, probably powerful enough to make it to my cave alone.”

“Probably, but I’d prefer not to take that chance. Besides, it’s good for him to get some time with some other guys. He’s around girls most of the time.”

“He is nearing the age where that will not be a bad thing for him. For them, though, it might.”

“I’ll see what I can do to keep him out of trouble. He’s almost as strong as I am now, though.”

“But you are more authoritative. You probably always will be. Just make sure he knows who’s boss and there is a good chance he will accede to your will.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, I guess.” It sounded more like something a dominatrix would be interested in, but maybe it would be useful some day.

Reginald continued his walk in silence, his scales shifting under me in a way that would probably destroy my legs if I wasn’t wearing armor. I made a mental note to never ride Kumani, if you know what I mean, without my armor.

“So what was with your reaction when you thought I was hurt, anyway?” I asked after a moment of silence.

He snorted some steam and answered, “When I saw you wounded at the party, I felt a rage I hadn’t in a long time. To see a friend of mine cut down so… I’ve lost several friends over the years, many of them killed in their prime. I do not like it. When I can do something about it, I will.”

“Well, thanks for the thought. I’m finding more loyal friends in this place than I did back at home, that’s for sure.”

“Loyalty and friendship given often equal loyalty and friendship received. You have done right by me, so I do right by you. Just remember that lesson, since you didn’t seem to learn it at your home.”

That was interesting advice. Advice I quickly forgot as we got outside the cave and I spotted a familiar changeling heckling a disgusted looking Spike. “God dammit!” I quietly hissed, grabbing my breastplate and spreading my wings. I lifted myself off Reggie’s back and landed on the ground. “Mirror, what are you doing here?” I asked as I walked over, ready to drop my breastplate and grab a dagger if she rushed me. I tried to keep the anger and irritation out of my voice, but I don’t think I was overly successful.

She spun around with a massive smile when she heard my voice. “I knew you didn’t turn into a dragon! That would mean you’re a changeling like me and not Navarone, and that would just be silly.” I opened my mouth to ask why she was here again, but she continued, “I just remembered that I never gave you the directions!” As she said that, she started walking over to me. Spike seemed to grow noticeably more relieved when she was away from him, but I could hear the hackles or spikes or whatever on Reginald’s neck start to bristle as she got closer to the two of us. “I realized it’s pretty hard to describe where I live if it’s all one big forest, so I figured you could just meet me at the big tree and I can take you there. So, three days?”

“…Yeah. Three days. I’ll meet you there. Now, you go prepare.”

“Okay!” She didn’t move. “So who are your friends?”

I nodded behind her. “Spike.” I jerked my head to the back. “Reginald. Now, you should probably get going.”

She waved at Reginald. “Hi! My name’s Eva. Nice to meet you!”

I blinked a few times. “Eva? You told me it was Mirror.”

“...I did? Well that’s weird of me. It’s obviously not Mirror!” She giggled in a way that honestly worried me. “Well, I should probably get going…” We all watched her for a few seconds before she shrugged. “Are you guys having a cookout? I can help! I know all about cooking.”

“…A changeling cook?” I slowly asked, really wanting to cross my arms.

“I might have exaggerated just a little… But I can still help!”

“That’s quite alright,” I hastily said. “Spike is an excellent cook. We don’t need any help.”

“Oh… Do you need anything else?”

“We’re fine. You really should get started on that mess back at your home. I’m sure you don’t want me to see anything I shouldn’t when I come by.”

“Don’t worry, I have nothing to hide from my bestest friend!”

“Right. Still, I’d rather make sure. You know, just in case.”

She hopped up on her hind legs and gave me a salute. “I’ll have it done in time, or my name isn’t Poly!”

Reginald snorted, blowing steam toward her. “You said your name was Eva,” he answered. “And Navarone said your name was Mirror. Which is it, changeling?”

Her entire body spasmed and her face contorted for a moment before the smile returned. “Mirror! It’s definitely Poly. Say, that steam thing is really cool! Have you ever thought of opening a sauna?”

“Didn’t you say you had something to take care of?” I interjected, wanting to get rid of her as quickly as possible so I would never have to see her again.

Her smile slipped the tiniest bit before she nodded. “Yep! Remember Navi, three days!”

“Yeah, three days. In front of the tree.”

“Three days,” she said yet again, still sounding happy. I nodded to show that I understood. She said it one more time before the smile on her face seemed to give way to a look of horror for a split second. Then she took off flying, speeding away.

“Welp, glad I’ll never see her again,” I said, walking over to the fire Spike had going.

“Nav… what was that?” Spike asked, watching Mirror fly away.

“The most mentally unbalanced person I’ve probably ever met. I will be doing my best to forget that I ever met her.”

Reginald walked over to our fire and plopped down on the ground. “That is probably wise. Little good ever comes from tangling with crazies.”

“I dunno…” Spike said, looking back down to where he was cooking the bird. “It seems like we should try to help her or something.”

Reginald and I shared a look before turning our eyes back to the fire. I wanted to tell him no offhand, but I was thinking of a nice way to say it. Flo decided not to help by saying, “He’s sort of right. Yes, she might be dangerous. But you should at least make an attempt to help her, Nav. It’s the right thing to do.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said aloud, sitting down next to the fire. “Reginald is right. She is crazy and probably bad news. However, she might be helpable. But I know from experience that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. And I also know from experience that enabling someone potentially dangerous like her is a good way to make them keep coming around. If she doesn’t want to be helped and we visit her, there’s a chance we’ll have to put her down to keep Ponyville safe from her.”

“She… she can’t be dangerous, Nav,” Spike hesitantly said.

I sighed, running a hand through my very long hair. “She’s unpredictable and potentially dangerous. As I said, I will think about attempting to help her. No promises.”

“Hm…” He flipped one of the hunks of meat. “I’ll go with you. Anyway, what was this thing? I’ve never seen feathers like these.”

“Man, I don’t fucking know. It sure didn’t want to be eaten, though. I’m not at all used to having prey fight back.”

Reginald grinned, saying, “It takes the fun out of the hunt if the prey is mindless and weak. Though there are few animals that can satiate my hunger any longer, at least without causing an extinction. The downside of growing to my size is running out of fair fights.”

“Sounds nice to me,” I said. “And constantly being armored would also be nice. I know I wouldn’t have been stabbed in the back if I had been wearing this baby.” I tapped the breastplate beside me for emphasis.

“It reassures me that you feel no need to wear it around me, then,” Reginald said. “But having scales is not all good. It heavily mutes the feel of a lover’s touch, for one. And the feeling of shedding them is incredibly uncomfortable. Still, I believe they are worth it.”

“Might have to start stealing some from Spike, then.”

Reginald actually chuckled. “That would be a bad idea, should you ever run into another dragon. Such an action is seen by some to be a sign of the most intimate form of love. I do not judge, but there are many who would.”

Spike started blushing when the dragon mentioned that, and he quickly turned his head back to what he was cooking. I just shrugged and said, “They’d be hard to affix onto my skin anyway. Spike, that bird close to done?”

“I think…” He pulled the large, flat rock he was using to cook them away from the fire. “It looks done. I’ve never cooked something like this before, though.”

“Well, you have a stronger stomach than I do. Try it.”

“What? Why do I have to do it? You’re the one that killed it!”

“And you’re the one that think’s it’s ready to eat. So eat some of it.”

He sighed and muttered something before grabbing one of the slivers of meat and tossing it into his mouth. He took a short moment to chew and taste it before his eyes went wide. “This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted!” he yelled, his mouth still full.

I lifted an eyebrow, looking down at the meat. “Maybe that crazy changeling knew her stuff after all. I think I’ll wait for it to cool, though.”

“Psh. Don’t be such a big baby, Nav,” Spike said, reaching for another piece.

“It’s hardly acting like a baby when I can’t eat something for fear of getting burned. I don’t have a dragon’s resistance to fire and heat, after all.”

“That makes me wonder something, actually,” Reginald said. “You say you come from elsewhere, and I believe you mentioned you are the dominant life form there. How did your kind manage that with so few tools of survival?”

I tapped my head. “Our minds. We had no magic and few natural resistances, but we had the ability to create what we didn’t have. It also helps that we were the only sapient race.”

“Hm.” Reggie blew some air onto the bird steaks, presumably cooling them. I shrugged and grabbed a piece before Spike could eat all of it. “It was a similar story with the ponies. Not their alicorn forebears, the ponies that Discord created.”

“Back up, what?” I asked, still not having taken a bite.

“Not even the history of their creation was remembered? What a shame… Before Discord arrived here, there were alicorns, like Celestia and Luna. When he came and began destroying the alicorns, he did so in three primary ways. Some, he perverted into changelings. Some, he turned insane. And finally, some he broke into three: unicorns, pegasi, and what you know as earth ponies. As far as I know, only Celestia, Luna, and the prisoners of Tartarus survived.”

“So what about Cadance?” I asked, finally taking a bite of the meat. When the taste hit me, I completely zoned his answer out, caught in the memories. Thanksgiving with the family. Cool November days… My eyes opened wide as I remembered, caught in a wave of raw nostalgia.

A claw on both shoulders brought me down from the clouds. “You alright, Nav?” Spike asked, standing in front of me.

I blinked, quickly shaking my head and lifting a hand to rub at my face. “Yeah. That just brought back memories. This thing could pass as a full Thanksgiving dinner: turkey, dressing, gravy, sweet potatoes, and cranberries. How is that even possible?”

“I don’t know, but I know it’s awesome. We need to find another one for the road.”

“That would be impossible,” Reginald said, looking down at the feathers and remains. “This was the fenghuang, I believe. There existed only one, to my knowledge. Such a rare combination does not happen often, after all.”

Spike let me go and we both turned to look at him. “Only one?” I asked. “Fucking seriously? Christ, even a few million years in the future, humans are still causing extinctions!”

Reginald shrugged. “There is no great loss. This bird survived merely to survive. It had no chance at children and did little more than merely take up resources. Killing it does the rest of the world some good. And if it tastes good, then eating it after killing it is no real crime.”

“Sounds like pandas,” I muttered, glancing darkly at the feathers. I was just going to leave those and the remains here, but now I felt obligated to see that as little of it was wasted as possible. I knew Rarity could make something with the feathers, at least.

Spike shrugged at Reggie’s explanation. “Good enough for me.” He walked back over next to the rock and stuffed another piece in his mouth. “Tastes too good to waste.”

“True enough,” I sighed, pulling another slice of meat off the slab.

It was a nice little cookout we had there, all things told. Unfortunately, I needed to get Spike back at a reasonable hour or Twilight would do her best to hunt us down. I had a feeling that if she had to come into the forest to find us, bad things would happen to me.

So I took off with Spike held cradled in my arms and a bag of bird remains tied to my waist, dangling under me. “So what’s better about being held like this?” I asked as we soared over the forest.

“Better view,” he answered. “If I’m over your shoulder, I can only see your wings. Or the ground, if I’m facing the other way. I can look around a lot more this way. It also feels less like I’m just a piece of meat. Also, your hand is usually on the back of my tail, and that feels… weird.”

I felt my face turning hot, remembering some nights with Kumani. “Oooh, yeah. Forgot about that. Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but that spot at the top of your tail where it connects with your body is a serious erogenous zone. Putting pressure on it would probably feel really good.”

“…Why would you tell me that?”

“Okay, I probably could have picked a better time, but still. If you ever pick up a hot dragon babe, it would be important to know that.”

“Hmph. Any other ‘tips,’ oh great Navarone?”

“Assuming you have the same type of body that the dragon I fucked did, your dick will have some very interesting features that mares will probably love. And if you learn to use your freaky dragon tongue well, you can probably make just about anyone love you.”

“This is getting creepy. How would you even know what… that looks like? I thought you were into mares!”

“Remember my gender changing stones? My partner was curious.”

“I had forgotten about those, actually…” We fell into silence as our flight home continued. A few minutes later, we landed in my backyard and I let him down. “So… what’s it like as a girl?”

“Different. It’s more of a full body thing and less of a centralized thing. You’d have to try it yourself to understand. Now, I promised I would do something with Taya to celebrate getting healed.”

“Alright, that’s cool. I might… stick around for a while. See if the naga’s still up for teaching, you know?” More like see if Doppel still wants him now that I’m better. I wasn’t about to get in his way, that’s for sure. Not with Flo doing her best to make sure I got over my ‘addiction.’ I still craved it, but…

“Stay as long as you want,” I said. “Lord knows I got tired of Twilight’s constant bitching. You’ve been putting up with her longer than I have.”

“I got used to it.” I grabbed my practice sword from where I left it and he grabbed all of his gear. We stepped inside together and found Cadance at the kitchen table with her abomination sitting next to her.

“So how ‘bout them assassins?” I asked as I stepped inside.

“I’m almost positive it won’t be another month, Nav,” Cadance answered, rolling her eyes. “I like this about as much as you do. I rarely get to see Shining Armor and your home was not made for mothers or their foals.”

“Bah. You’re lucky I remember why I’m not married to Gilda. You know where Taya is?”

“Did you check her room?”

“I haven’t checked anywhere. I just got back, after all. I suppose that’s a good first stop. Spike, make yourself at home or whatever.” As much meat as we had in there, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d be very ready to do just that. I went on out and up the stairs, looking for my daughter.

Her door was closed, which isn’t really much a sign of anything. I knocked on it and waited until I heard a muffled, “Who is it?”

“Your father,” I answered, leaning back and crossing my arms. As soon as she had time to process my answer, the door lit up and flew open. “You still want to do something to celebrate?”

“Yes!” Before I could see much of anything inside her room, she quickly exited, using magic to pull the door shut behind her. If her room was anything like what I remembered, there was no real reason to want to see inside it anyway; she didn’t do much to personalize it.

“Well, just let me put my stuff up and change and we can do whatever you want. Or if you can’t think of anything, I’m sure I can figure something out.”

“You won’t need to change and you’re going to need your practice sword. You’re also probably going to need your ring.”

“…Taya, what do you think the definition of celebrate is?”

“Having fun or doing something fun in the wake of a serious event. And what better way to celebrate than by…” Her horn lit up and I got a small amount of vertigo as we teleported elsewhere. “…bonding with my father?” We were in my backyard again.

“What did you have in mind, then?” I asked, once again crossing my arms.

“A fun training exercise! You and me against our teachers.”

“That… sounds somewhat suicidal. I don’t know if you remember it or not, but our teachers happen to both be very good at their craft. You’ve only been training for a month and I’ve only been training for a few. You really think this’ll end well?”

“No one will get hurt, even if we lose. It’s just a training exercise, daddy.”

I shrugged. “Alright. Maybe my ring will be enough of an advantage. If you can deal with the naga, I can probably handle your instructor. So where are we doing this?”

“Right here, of course. They should be here in a few minutes.”

Time enough for me to get out of some of my armor for a second, at least. I pulled my gauntlets off and let them fall to the ground, stretching my fingers and letting the sweat hit the cool autumn air. When they were aired out enough, I pulled the rifle from my back and set it up against the house where it wouldn’t be damaged in the scuffle. And finally, I pulled my ring from my necklace and slipped it onto one of my fingers.

“So why this, of anything?” I asked. “A nice picnic, a walk or something, going swimming… Why a training bout?”

“Because I like fighting and you like fighting. Is it really so bad to fight together?”

“I don’t like fighting, actually. It’s a bit dangerous for my tastes. I do it out of necessity, no other reason.”

“Then why are you always smiling when you train with the naga? And why do you always seem to be in a better mood after a session?”

“…I like getting exercise.” What should I tell her? That fighting is fun? That the rush of adrenaline you get from combat and murder is addicting? That I’ve grown to love the thrill of the fight and of not knowing who would come out on top, my life versus theirs? That isn’t anything you should tell anyone sane, not and expect them to think you’re mentally sound. And it’s definitely not something to tell someone like Taya, who has a cutie mark in combat magic but has barely started her career.

“Daddy, why do you lie so much?”

“Because sometimes lying is the best and easiest solution to some problems. But only sometimes, and it takes a lot of practice to know when those times are. And it takes even more practice to get good at lying. The only ponies I’ve ever seen that were any good at it were Celestia and Luna. And since they’re both six thousand years old or so, that tells you something. So I lie because it’s for the best. And you shouldn’t lie because it wouldn’t be for the best.”

“That’s hypocritical!”

“Doesn’t make it any less true. And lookie there, our instructors are here.” Which is a good thing, because I really don’t want to have that discussion with Taya. Fiery Sage and Ames were moving together toward us from the side of the house, presumably coming straight from the front gate. I knelt down and slid on my gauntlets as they closed the distance.

“So you want to do a team exercise,” the unicorn said when they were close enough. He was looking at me, for some reason.

“That is Taya’s plan, yes,” I said, pulling out my practice sword. “It’s a decent enough idea; between her magic and my steel, we should be a good enough pair to deal with most opponents that threaten us. We’ll just need some practice to be able to work together. Which I suppose is what this is for.”

The naga looked down to Taya for a moment before looking at me. “Navarone, I wounded you severely when we first began training. Taya is younger and weaker. I do not wish to risk her health like this.”

“I can solve that,” Sage said. “I can give your weapons the same temporary enchantments used for duels and arena matches. They’ll be completely harmless, but will let your enemy know that he is down.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Will that work on even ranged weapons?”

“If the ammunition is coated in the magic, yes,” he answered. I grinned as I walked over to where I left my rifle. When I had it safely in hand, I walked back. “That thing is a weapon? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I’d be surprised if you had.” I pulled out the magazine and said, “Use the magic whatever on these.”

The naga snorted. “If you are going to be using your ranged weapon, this fight will be over in seconds. I know you are a monster with that thing, Navarone. It defeats the purpose of the exercise to beat both of us that quickly. Your sword against mine, or I will take the day off.”

I sighed and reloaded the rifle. “Fine. It’s not my fault that I like winning.”

Sage was smiling as I walked back to where I had left the rifle the first time. “It seems that naga underestimates me a little too much,” he said. “I think I would have time to stop any manner of ranged attack from hurting me.”

“It’s cute that you think that,” I said as I walked back. “What about my throwing knives? Can I use those, at least?”

The naga shrugged. “I’ve seen you use them. You have to be relatively close to use them and I don’t see them doing much to end this battle, not as small as they are.”

I grinned and pulled them from the straps around my belt. “Would you kindly?” I asked Sage. His horn lit up and they were suffused with a glossy covering. “Now, shall we get started?”

“We might as well begin now,” he said. “I fear this match will be over quickly.” I held out my practice sword to be made safe and the light from his horn consumed it, giving it a familiar shiny covering. The same had already been done to the naga’s giant tree branch that he called a practice sword. “Now, making magic safe is somewhat harder. However, it can be done.” His horn lit up yet again and he did something. I have no clue what he did, though. After a moment, he bent his horn down to Taya’s and did something else. “There. Now we should be safe until I remove the enchantment.”

“Why couldn’t we do this earlier?” Taya asked. “Like when daddy was still in bed so we could stay inside.”

“Because to truly learn combat magic, you have to see its potential for destruction. You had to destroy to learn what you were capable of destroying, what you’re capable of doing to somepony else. And you did, with the grace that only somepony with the talent for it could do. Now here we are, in a training bout. Are you all ready?”

I swung my sword in a little circle, limbering up my arm, and said, “Yeah.”

The naga grunted. Taya nodded.

“Very well. I think it would be best if the teams moved apart. Naga, come along. Let’s give them some space.” Ames set his sword on his shoulder as he slithered away, following Sage. Taya and I were left standing there, waiting.

“Plan?” she whispered.

“Move in slow and steady. Be ready to take down the naga. I don’t think Sage knows about my ring, so I’ll do my best to take care of him. If we lose, we lose; it’ll be our first fight together and both of us are novices.”

“I know, daddy. And good luck.”

I nodded. “I hope we don’t need it.” I held my sword up in a ready position, already regretting agreeing to this bout.

When the other two were finally in position, the magic instructor called out, “Begin!”

Taya immediately jumped behind me as his horn lit up. I began slowly walking forward, waiting for either of them to make a move. Taya followed me, peeking under my legs and ready to act if something happened. Neither of them moved, aside from the unicorn’s horn lighting up.

“Get ready,” I mumbled, hopefully loud enough for Taya to hear. I was going to jump out of the way and I was hoping she’d do something violent to the naga.

I did just that, sidestepping to let her shoot. Thankfully, she pulled through with a massive lightning bolt that hit the naga in the dead center of mass… And then bounced back, arcing right at Taya. My hand shot out and the metal of my gauntlet attracted the lightning. Normally, that would fry me. Since I was wearing my ring, it shot straight into the ground, frying all the grass in a circle around me with a foot-long diameter. My poor backyard…

I stopped moving, Taya moving to stand next to me. “He’s giving the naga a shield,” I quietly said, watching the two of them. “Can you do anything to Sage?”

Her horn lit up and another massive bolt of lightning shot at her instructor. I saw his horn flash brighter as it repelled straight at me. I grinned and let it hit me head on, dissipating back into the ground.

“Use something less noticeable, Taya,” I said. “No reason to advertise yourself to everyone that’s looking. Now let me see… Can you put up a shield around me and keep it molded around me, but not touching me?”

“…Maybe? I can try.”

“I just need it to block the naga’s hits. Now, I’m going to rush the naga. Distract the unicorn and I’ll try to get a throwing knife into him. If his horn stops glowing, get rid of the naga.”

“…I can’t see horn glows, daddy.”

“Fuck. Then if he goes down, do it.”

Her horn lit up as a shield of sorts covered me. Or at least, I was hoping there was a shield around me. I took a second to pop my neck before bursting into a sprint right at the naga, ready to do whatever I could.

As soon as I got away from Taya, Sage’s horn lit up brighter and a spike of ice shot dead at me. I let it crash into me and dissipate as I continued sprinting. His eyes shot open wide and his mouth dropped, giving me ample time to throw a knife at him as I ran.

I didn’t have time to see what happened with the knife before I was dueling the naga. Now, for those of you lucky enough to have never seen a naga in combat, it’s fucking fearsome as all hell. They could swing their giant weapons like they were butter knives and ruin the day of anyone that got anywhere near them. I learned quickly that the best way to stay alive against one was to move very, very quickly.

He met my sprint with a thrust from his sword. I turned sideways, turning my sprint into a one-handed jab that he jerked out of the way of, not moving his lower body. Since the naga was still alive at that point, I knew the unicorn also had to still be kicking. My plan was to get around the naga and deal with the unicorn, but I don’t think Ames was going to make that easy on me; he let go of his sword with one hand and grabbed my sword arm with the other, lifting me up by the arm and pulling his sword back for a stab.

I ripped one of the throwing knives out of my belt and stabbed up into the arm that was holding me. The magic in my knife shot into his arm, freezing it up and probably giving him some manner of discomfort. Either way, he dropped me and clutched at the arm that I had reclaimed my knife from.

I bolted past him before he could recover and jumped at the unicorn that was trading spells with a constantly teleporting Taya. I stabbed his unexpecting form in the side before the naga’s spare hand wrapped around one of my wings, ripping me backwards and throwing me onto the ground. He had time to position his sword above my form for a downward stab before another lightning bolt hit him, sending little arcs of lightning all up and down his body as he jerked stock still.

On the off chance he would somehow survive that, I tried stabbing up with my sword, only to realize I didn’t have it anymore. Apparently I dropped it when I was ripped backwards. However, it appeared that I didn’t need it, as the lightning dispelled from the naga’s slightly smoking body and Sage said, “Wow. That was the most surprising loss I have ever had. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you cheated,” he said, looking at me as I picked myself off the ground.

“Trust me, I didn’t,” I said, grabbing my stick from where it had fallen. “I can’t believe we actually won, though.”

“By all rights, you shouldn’t have,” Sage answered. “That you did was… miraculous. I didn’t see any shield around you when the lightning hit. How did you not get hurt?”

“I have my ways.” Taya joined our little group as the naga seemingly recovered from his interesting ordeal. “Taya, remember what I said about doing more subtle things? Lightning gives you away and lets your opponent know where you are.”

“However,” Sage said, “it intimidates her opponents and can dishearten them to the point where they give up, making killing them unnecessary. That is the standard guard method of operating, and you’d be hard-pressed to find anypony that would teach her differently.”

I can think of a place. “If you say so.” No reason to tell him about my combat unicorns, though. I grabbed the throwing knives I used and resheathed them. “Either way, that was a good spot of fun, I suppose. We might have to make this a regular thing.”

“A regular thing?” Sage asked, looking at the naga for a second before turning his gaze back to me. “I didn’t come all the way here from town just for a single bout, Navarone. We’re going to keep going, are we not?”

I looked down to find that Taya was grinning up at me. I sighed, my wings sagging slightly.

We… didn’t do nearly as well in the other bouts. Now that the unicorn guy knew my magic resistance secret, he was considerably more careful.

After round number whatever, Spike came outside looking somewhat pissed and holding a scroll. He walked up and threw it at me during a break. “Someone sent you a letter,” he growled.

“Dude, who the fuck pissed in your cornflakes this morning?” I asked as I picked the scroll up from where it had fallen.

“I was in the middle of somepon—er, something. And uh… Doppel isn’t very happy either.”

“She’ll get over it.” I pulled the scroll open, immediately noting Luna’s seal. I was tempted to toss it aside without reading it, but I figured it might have something to do with the wedding.

‘Do you still want to learn how to dreamwalk? If you do, I can begin teaching you now that you’re better. I can meet you in your dreams tonight. Also, I want to talk about this… wedding. Your favorite princess, Luna.’

Favorite princess my ass. “Spike, you mind sending her a reply for me?”

“I might as well. Not like I have anything else to do right now…”

“Tell her I said yes, I do still want to learn. She can use the sky to send me a message before she comes in.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, dude.”

“She’ll understand it.”

“Whatever you say… So what have you been doing out here? More training?”

“Group training, yeah,” I said. “We won once out of a lot of attempts. I’m thinking about calling it a day soon; I still need to go see Lyra and Bon-Bon and Rarity, after all.”

“And you need to make a plan for Mirror, right?” he asked.

“…Who?”

“You know, the changeling we met in the Everfree? The crazy one?”

“Dude, I was just going to forget about her.”

“You know that helping her is the right thing to do, Nav!”

And now Taya decided to contribute with, “What are you two talking about, daddy?”

“Nothing. Spike, I’ll think about it. Go send the reply to Luna. Taya, we can do a few more rounds before I need to leave.”

Spike just sighed and left as Taya’s gaze turned cold very quickly. “Daddy, what were you two talking about? Don’t say ‘nothing.’ You told me to tell you when you were doing things wrong, and you’re doing things wrong.”

“Taya, it is the job of the parents to protect their child. What we were talking about is something that is possibly dangerous and I really, really don’t want you involved.”

“Then what makes you think you should be involved? If it’s dangerous for me, then it’s dangerous for you!”

“I don’t want to be involved. That’s exactly what I told Spike. Weren’t you listening?”

“You said you’d think about it, whatever it is.”

“Yeah, and I was lying.” Actually, I wasn’t. Spike and Flo were both right; it would be good to attempt to help Mirror, or at least see if she could be helped. “Why would I risk something that might be dangerous?”

The cold look warmed up slightly as she smiled. “I’m happy to hear that. Though I still want to know what you two were talking about.”

“We met someone in the Everfree that was off-balanced. Spike thinks we should try to help her. I think I should try to forget about her.”

“You’re right. You should forget her. You have enough crazy women in your life.”

“Don’t I know it…” I muttered, looking down at Luna’s letter.

Taya decided without my asking that she was going with me into town to check on the progress of my ceremonial robes and to talk to Lyra and Bon-Bon. I didn’t mind her going, personally, but what she didn’t know is that Lyra was actively hunting for flower fillies.

With that in mind, I went to their house first; why be forced to make two trips to Rarity’s shop if Taya was forced into the role and needed a new dress? I was expecting their house to be busy or at least somewhat different from the last time I had seen it, but things in Ponyville always seem to stay the same, no matter how much everything else changes.

I led the way up to the door and knocked. Not a minute later, Lyra pulled the door open, a somewhat worried expression on her face. “Oh, Navarone! We… weren’t expecting you.”

“If this is a bad time, I can come back later. I just came by to talk about the wedding.”

Her ears flinched slightly at that and I got a bad feeling in my stomach. “Now is fine. Just… you know,” she poked her head out the door, looked both ways, and continued in a whisper, “Queen Chrysalis, right?”

“I do. Why?”

“Good. Come on in.” I shrugged and stepped inside. Taya followed me. Lyra’s magic pulled the door shut behind us as she led the way further inside.

“I trust you sent them away?” Chrysalis’s voice asked from the den.

I grinned and stepped into view. “Oh, you don’t want to see me?”

She blinked in surprise before grinning as well. “Well now, isn’t this a surprise. You saved me the trouble of tracking you down. And perhaps you can assist me in convincing my subject about something.” She looked down to a couch on the other side of where she was lounging to see a somewhat frightened changeling that I took a guess at being Bon-Bon. “I want her to reveal herself during the wedding.”

I crossed my arms, thankful that I had put my ring on before I left. “That is their choice, Chrysalis. I can point out the possible pros and cons, but I will support her no matter the choice she makes and either way I will see to it that they are wed.”

“Then I will let you hear my argument first,” she said, looking back to me. “If she did this, it would be good for changelings everywhere. This would show the ponies that the two races can coexist with no fear—and with even the chance at love and marriage. If she takes the first step in revealing herself like this, other changelings could do the same thing. They, too, could be together with their pony loves.”

“If everything goes well,” I countered. “She runs the risk of not being accepted. If that is the case, little will change between the relationships of ponies and changelings. However, everything will change for her and Lyra. Her entire life would be ruined. She’d be forced to leave Ponyville and possibly Equestria entirely. But it would mean no more lying to all the ponies all around you. It took you years to come out to Lyra. The first one is always the hardest. You could do this—and it would probably be for the best in the long run if you did—but it could potentially ruin your life.”

Bon-Bon looked down, a worried expression on her face. “What do you think I should do, Nav?”

I sighed, rubbing at my forehead to consider. “My personal opinion is that you go for it, but not at the wedding. Get Pinkie to throw some kind of pre-wedding party in a few days and make the announcement there. Something like this could ruin a wedding, and you don’t want the happiest day in your life to be ruined. However, I am not the one you should be asking.” I gave a pointed look to Lyra, who had taken the time I was talking to walk over to the couch and cuddle up with her changeling love.

Bonnie nodded, nuzzling Lyra. “I just want everypony else’s opinions before I asked for the most important one. Lyra, what do you want to do?”

“You shouldn’t have to hide yourself, honey. If the others don’t support us, they can go to Tartarus. I’m here to stay, and as long as we’re together, we don’t need anypony else’s support. I say we tell everypony.”

Bon-Bon sighed and nodded. “Then that’s what we’ll do. I just need to get Pinkie to host a party for us. Navarone, now that you’re well, when do you think we can have the wedding?”

“I will be ready whenever you two are. We’ll want to do a practice run, just so everyone we have involved will know their places and what to do. You two already have a copy of the very short script, so the words shouldn’t be a problem. Just let me know whenever you decide to do it. Rarity should have my robes finished by now.” I looked over to Chrysalis. “I trust you’ll be there?”

“I would not miss something this important, Navarone. Of course I will be there. I’m sure you’ll find some way for me to participate.”

I was about to answer when Bon-Bon broke in with, “Important? It’s just a small wedding!”

My smile only widened at that. “Remember how you said you wanted a ‘small’ wedding?” I said. “That almost definitely isn’t going to happen, no matter what you try to do. Not if you go through with your plan of revealing this, that is. I do believe that this will be the first marriage between an open changeling and a pony, meaning it is an extremely important step in interracial relationships between the two. I would expect reporters, maybe one of the princesses, dignitaries, and a huge crowd.” Her ears seemed to shrink with every word and I knew I might have made a mistake in telling her that. “However… I think you could get away with a small, private ceremony between the two of you before the big, pompous one. You get the small wedding and the knowledge that no matter what might go wrong in the big wedding, you’re married either way.”

She perked up a little at that. “I’d like that,” she said, nodding. “Lyra?”

“Whatever makes you happy. I know you don’t want to be a big spectacle, but what they both said is true: This is a big, important event. If you want something to calm your nerves before the big show, I’m okay with that.”

“Alright, that’s settled,” I said. “We can do that the day before the big thing, if it does end up exploding in popularity. When do you think you’ll have the announcement party?”

“…Tomorrow,” Bon-Bon said. “If it can be set up that quickly, of course. I feel nervous about it and I don’t want to risk backing out. You’ll be there, right?” she asked me.

“I generally make a point to avoid all of Pinkie’s parties, but an exception can be made in this case. I’ll be there and if it looks like it’ll turn ugly, I’ll go full royal knight on everyone.”

“That… won’t be necessary, right?” she asked.

“Not everyone is as forgiving as the person you want to marry,” I said. “You’ve been lying to a lot of people for a long time. It’s good that you’re finally telling the truth, but not everyone will agree that the truth is preferable to a lie.”

Chrysalis nodded and chimed in, “You have little to fear, though. Most changelings that reveal themselves come to be accepted in their pony societies, though they tend to keep their original disguise in case any visitors are less understanding.” It concerned me that she only mentioned what happened to those in pony societies, but that wasn’t the point here.

Lyra caressed Bonnie’s face. “And if anypony says anything, who cares? Let Nav take care of all the naysayers. We can handle everypony else that is there to support us.”

Bon-Bon’s fear slowly dissipated in the face of all the support she was getting. She eventually sighed happily, closing her eyes and resting her head on Lyra’s legs. “It feels… good… to finally be planning to put this to rest.”

“Well, if you two want to talk to Pinkie so she’ll have time to get the party together, I’ll need to get out of your hair,” I said. “We can make plans for the wedding after the party, when we’re certain how everything is going to turn out. And you might need to get your dress modified, if you want to be a changeling for the wedding.”

Lyra rubbed Bon-Bon on the head and nodded up at me. “We’ll see you tomorrow, then. And thank you, Nav. Thank you for everything.”

I smiled, finally getting a chance to say a line that I’ve wanted to for a while. “It’s what I do.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes at my statement and stood. “I, too, must depart. I will see the two of you at the wedding.” She didn’t get nearly as enthusiastic a farewell. When she, Taya, and I got to the door, Chrysalis turned into some unfamiliar unicorn. “If anypony asks, my name is Crystal.” The cutie mark she had was a crystal, so I just shrugged.

When we got away from the house, she continued following us. “So what did you need from me?” I asked as I started heading toward Rarity’s pad.

“Is it so bad for one friend to want to see another?” she asked.

“I’ve heard that line way too many times from Celestia for it to have any use on me. You need or want something from me.”

“You are mistaken, Navarone, unless you consider wanting a conversation as wanting something. You forget where I come from and the common denizens thereof.”

“That is… relieving. Maybe you can answer me a few questions, then. Have you ever had changelings go rogue?”

“Yes. There is one right now in the night guard that went rogue. There is nothing I can do to him, now. I do not believe Bon-Bon will go rogue on me.”

“Okay, how about going insane?”

“…Why do you ask?”

“The idea of an insane shapeshifter scares me. I want to know that it doesn’t happen.”

“Then I’m afraid I will have to disappoint you. There are some that do crack. If they go undercover for too long or change personalities too many times—or even attempt to, in some cases—they can develop a number of mental problems. A common one is harboring numerous personalities in their head.”

“What do you normally do with changelings like that?”

“Put them down. They are a drain on limited resources because they contribute nothing to society and they can potentially be dangerous. Changelings can tell each other apart by pheromone, but other races can’t tell one changeling from another. If an insane changeling hurts a surface-dweller and reveals that he or she is a changeling, our reputation suffers.”

“What if they aren’t dangerous?”

“Multiple personalities, Navarone. The original changeling might have been the most docile little hatchling you could ever imagine. That doesn’t mean everything that spawns in his brain will be the same. However, that isn’t usually the case. When we first met, I believe I mentioned that changelings can feed on different emotions. I probably also said that those that feed on anger do not last long. The reason they don’t last long is because most of them go insane. I don’t know why. There is more to this than common curiosity, isn’t there?”

What to do, what to do… If I told her, Mirror would be hunted and put down by the changelings. If I didn’t tell her, I would practically take responsibility for the changeling and by extension all the actions she did later, even if I didn’t choose to help her.

Maybe it was my good mood, maybe it was a tiny scrap of humanity left clinging to my soul. Hell, maybe it was just common decency. Whatever it was, I just shrugged and said, “Not really. This here is my stop.” We were already at Rarity’s Boutique. I pushed the door open and stepped inside, not expecting Chrysalis to follow me.

She did, though. “This little town is extremely colorful,” she commented when she entered the store behind Taya. “Nothing at all like my home.”

You can’t enter Rarity’s shop for long without attracting her attention, unless she’s purposefully avoiding you. Since she wasn’t expecting me, though, she made an appearance as soon as the two of us stepped inside. I think she would have turned around as soon as she saw me if I hadn’t been accompanied by someone she didn’t know. “Hello, Navarone. How may I assist you and your friend?” Not even going to ask about Taya? Geez.

“I’m here about the ceremonial robes I need,” I said. “I’m just showing Crystal around the town.”

“Oh yes, your robes. They’re hanging up in the back room. Normally I’d trust that anything I made would fit you just fine, but I’d rather not take a chance with clothing for a wedding! You are welcome to try them on back there; I know of your modesty problems.”

“Thank you for being so understanding,” I sarcastically answered. “I’ll be right back.” I walked back to her creation room and found the robes hanging off a rack. I could hear Rarity talking to Chrysalis as I changed into the robes. Since I didn’t feel like taking anything off, ‘changing’ was easy: I just threw the robe on over everything else. Problem solved.

I suppose I should probably describe the damn thing, since it was an important ceremonial garb or whatever. The cloth was dark blue, the color of Luna’s coat. It came with a necklace of sapphire in the shape of her signature crescent moon. The same image adorned the belt that I cinched tight around me. On one of the shoulders was my personal handprint heraldic image.

Personally, I would have preferred having my armor, but the robe wasn’t too bad. And as usual, it fit perfectly. I practiced walking around the room in it for a minute before pulling it off and hanging it back up. I grabbed the hanger and gently draped the robe over my shoulder before walking back into the main room.

Chrysalis and Rarity were casually discussing dresses while Taya looked bored out of her mind. “Fits just fine, Marshmallow,” I said when there was a break in their conversation. “Just as good as your usual work. I’m sure Bon-Bon and Lyra will love it.”

“I certainly hope so,” she answered. “Though I don’t know why anypony would find such a dreary color suitable for a wedding. They’re supposed to be bright and happy, not dark and dreary.”

“Where I come from, the night and its colors are associated with the sensual and private parts of love. It seems fitting to conduct a wedding ceremony dressed in dark blue.”

“For you, maybe,” she said with a haughty sniff. “But then, everypony knows your habits. Maybe after this wedding, Princess Luna will modernize her marriage ceremony.”

“I quite like it,” Chrysalis said. “It is short and simple, something for a couple that wants to be wed without a big and pompous ceremony. It is a relic of a more pragmatic time, when ponies believed in doing things quickly because life could be so much shorter.”

“Perhaps some relics should be left in the past where they belong,” Rarity commented. “Are you here for the wedding, too? Do you need a new dress, perhaps?”

Chrysalis shook her head. “I don’t need anything, thank you. Besides, I wouldn’t want to miss any more of the tour.”

Rarity sighed and nodded. “Very well… Make sure you show her Sugarcube Corner and the library, Nav. This town doesn’t have many landmarks, so you might as well show her the best ones we have.”

“I will. Oh, and I believe there is going to be a party for the couple tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll be invited.”

“I might be able to make it… My schedule is full, what with the dresses and suits I’m making. It would be a nice break, I suppose.”

I shrugged. “Come or don’t. Now, let’s get going. Not a lot of daylight left, after all.”

The other two followed me out, Taya still not making a peep. She hadn’t spoken since the two of us had gotten to Bonnie’s house. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

When we were away from Rarity’s house, Chrysalis said, “It is growing darker, actually. I do not suppose your house has any vacancies, Navarone?”

“For the one that was kind enough to give me a house in the first place, of course. I suppose that’s where we’ll head.” She smiled as we continued to walk. A few blocks away, I thought of something that might be problematic. “I do happen to have a griffin princess in my house as well, though. She’s fine with Doppel, but I don’t know if that would go for you as well.”

“You really do get around, don’t you? Are you courting her, or did her father just decide that your home would be a nice vacation spot?”

“He thinks that I’m courting her. She just wanted to get away from home for a little while.”

“Well, there is officially peace between the griffins and the changelings for the first time in centuries, so I believe I will have no problems from her. And if I do, I will be able to handle them. I will leave after the… party tomorrow and return for the wedding, though I believe less subterfuge will be required at that point.”

“Hey, if you don’t want to risk it, just stay as a pony. Or turn into something else. One of the benefits of being a changeling, I suppose.”

“I don’t think you would enjoy sharing a bed with a stallion, Navarone.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” I answered with a shrug. Her eyes widened at that and I think if she currently had wings, they would have shot out. “It was less by choice and more by necessity. I have to say that he kept me warm, but not in a way that I enjoyed.”

“Hm…” I had an idea of what she was planning, and I can’t say that I liked that idea. But I wasn’t about to bring anything like that up in front of Taya, so I held my peace for the moment.

Thankfully, silence reigned as we continued trudging toward my home. I don’t know why I was really thankful of that, but it seemed nice at the time. When we finally did get back, we found that Spike had already left and a somewhat singed looking Doppel was dusting something in the front room as we walked in. When she heard us enter—and presumably smelled Chrysalis, she jerked toward us and bowed lower than normal. “My queen.”

Chrysalis turned back to her normal freaky bug shape with a nod to Doppel. “Hello, Doppel. Rise.” Doppel pulled out of her bow, not meeting her mistress in the eyes. Not for the first time, I wondered what all had gone on between the two of them. But I knew that some questions didn’t need to be asked. “I trust everything is going well with your… arrangement?” Chrysalis asked her.

“Of course, Queen Chrysalis. Master orders and I obey.”

“Excellent.” She looked back to me. “Is Cadance still here? I am not certain I wish to bump into her.”

“She is. At this hour, she is probably in her room with her child. And I’ll probably be going to bed soon as well; I rise and fall with the sun, these two seasons.”

“Amusing. A knight of the night that is unable to stay awake during fall and winter, the times of the year with the longest nights.”

“Yeah, it sure is a hoot. I assume you’ll be joining me?”

“Of course.” Taya had, at this point, left us behind, probably assuming we would be talking about things she wouldn’t want to hear. She was probably upstairs in her room or doing something else.

“Then I’ll let you catch up with your servant, or explore as you would. I need a shower if I’m going to be sharing a bed.”

“You’re so considerate. Though I haven’t smelled anything in over six thousand years, so it’s hardly a problem.” Maybe that explains why there’s always a funky smell in the changeling hives. “I will join you up there shortly.”

I nodded and went on up the stairs to my room. I found Freki at the foot of my bed, wagging his little wooden tail when he saw me. An idea came to my head as I got undressed, an idea that I should have had sooner. “Freki, go and guard the inside of my office. If anyone but me or Taya enters, warn them to back off. If they persist, either start barking or go for the bite. I know you want to be with me tonight, but I have an important guest over that might be willing to go for something in there.”

He looked disappointed, but he stepped out of my room, his tail dragging. I promised myself that I’d make it up to him, but I knew I would probably end up breaking that promise somehow. I tend to do that a lot when it comes to him.

When I got into the shower, Flo said, “Remember, Navarone, you are trying to abstain.”

“No, I’m trying not to fuck something every night. If Chrysalis is just going to be in town for the night… Well, would it really be so bad to keep her company?”

“Yes, it could be bad. All it takes is one dose to risk relapsing into old habits.”

“Then here’s hoping she just wants to fucking cuddle.” I know I wanted a lot more than that; the cravings were already starting. It feels weird to call something natural a craving like that, but Flo did a very good job convincing me that I was addicted. I was still unsure if I should be grateful for that or not.

When I got into my room, I knew the answer to that. The answer was no, I should not be grateful at all. Chrysalis was kneeling on the bed waiting for me in a human body, though she still had her jagged horn and her wings. She got a short black robe from some place and wore it draped about her in a way that concealed as little as possible while still making her look ungodly alluring. Her fangs poked out of her mouth as she gazed at me with a set of nearly glowing green eyes, her silken hair held in place by some hair sticks. She lifted a hand to point at me and slowly flipped it over in a ‘come hither’ motion. God damn was that sexy.

I felt my hands loosening their grip on the towel automatically and I wanted nothing more than to drop it and join her for a night of wild passion. Before I could give in, though, I heard an intake of breath from my head and suddenly remembered what I told Flo.

I’m going to regret this so much. Hell, I already regret this. “I… I can’t.”

Her hand fell and she pouted. “Am I not pretty enough? Or is there someone else? You shouldn’t lead a girl on, Nav.”

“There isn’t anyone else…” I needed a lie and I needed it quick. “Doctor’s orders. You can’t know how much I want to, though.” And God, did I ever want to.

She sighed. “I knew you had been wounded, but I thought they would have healed you by now.”

“That fucker used some kind of dark magic on me or something. If my heart rate starts picking up too much, bad things happen.” That wasn’t technically a lie…

She sighed, looking down. “Oh, very well. Still, can we at least sleep together? I would relish the company.”

“I’m always happy to cuddle. Especially in that sexy body…”

Flo coughed, whispering, “Are you sure that’s wise?”

No. But by God, I’m going to get something out of this.

She grinned and slowly leaned back until she was lying down. “Join me, then. I’ve had a long day and wouldn’t mind getting to sleep sooner.”

I dropped the towel and she looked up again, her smile growing. When she saw that I was walking over to my dresser, it dropped and she rolled her eyes. I slid on a pair of pajama pants—if I went through the trouble of getting them from Rarity I was going to fucking use them—and slipped into bed next to her.

She sighed as she snuggled up next to me and I wrapped my arms around her. “It’s always nice to be held,” she whispered before going silent. I think we both fell asleep shortly after.

I had forgotten about my plans with Luna in the surprise of finding Chrysalis. I wasn’t in Flo’s glade for a few seconds before Flo pointed up. I lifted an eyebrow before looking up and jerked back, surprised at seeing a message in the stars.

“Knock knock.”

I sighed and spelled out, “Who’s there?”

“Luna.”

“Luna who?”

“Nav, this isn’t a joke. Can I come in or not?”

I giggled and Flo sighed in exasperation. “Can you put us in a void?” I asked her. As the environment began to darken and distort, I left a final message for Luna: “Door’s open. Come on in.” Flo began swirling her way up my pants again, hugging my body under my clothes. I don’t know why she did that instead of just disappearing, but whatever.

A few seconds after I told her to come in, a portal of sorts opened in the void and Luna cautiously stepped through. “It looks different,” she said, looking around.

“I can imagine. So how do we begin?”

“First, I want to know why you were asking about a wedding.”

“I thought I explained it in the letter. A few friends of mine want to get married. They asked me to do the ceremony. Because of that, I needed to know the rituals I’m supposed to use.”

“I see…” She sounded almost disappointed. “I don’t suppose there is any way that I could be allowed to observe? I don’t wish to get involved, I just want to see the first wedding performed during the night in centuries.”

“You’ll probably get your chance. This wedding won’t be… traditional.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you mean by that?”

“You’ll probably find out tomorrow or in a few days. It’s not my secret to give.”

“If you are planning to do something that ruins the first wedding in my name since I returned, I will be sorely upset.”

“Then I guess you won’t be that upset. That’s enough about the wedding, I believe. Now, how do we begin this dream business?”

“Very well. Before we begin, I need to know what you’re planning on using these powers for.”

“Probably nothing. But if I get really bored, I might go exploring around, see what some people are dreaming about. Maybe become a superhero in some kid’s dream by beating up a nightmare. Have some fun, you know?”

“Well, there are worse reasons to learn. Now, the first lesson I need to teach you is escaping the confines of a personal dream, like this.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard.”

“On the contrary. That is the hardest step, Nav. Once you learn to escape from the dream, we’ll have to see if you have access to any other dreams. If you can, the rest is easy. If not, I’ll have to introduce you to one or two. We should be able to finish the beginning stage in a night or two.”

“Beginner? What else is there to learn after I find out how to get in?”

“Well, as my knight, you can help me police dreams, keeping nightmares to a minimum. If you are going to be sleeping anyway, there’s no reason not to. And if I’m taking time to teach you this anyway… Well, you can repay me by spending some time fighting the nightmares of my subjects.”

“Fighting nightmares? I was joking when I said that. How the hell would you even go about that?”

“I’ll show you. And you may have been joking, but it’s a novel idea. With the work I have to do, I have little time to police dreams anymore. I can only get to a few a night, and there are more nightmares than that out there.”

“What about the dream machine? Doesn’t that thing handle it for you?”

“It does keep most of my little ponies’ dreams happy, but there are always outliers. I take it upon myself to spend as much time as I can to fix the nightmares I find, but there are always nightmares to fight. With your help, perhaps we can attend to more. Though traversing through the dreams of others is… difficult at times. Especially nightmares. It will take some practice to get the hang of it, though.”

“Well shit. Let’s get started, I guess. No promises about helping with the whole nightmare thing, but I reckon I can give it a shot.”

“Excellent. Now, here’s the first step…”

I don’t feel like recording all the effort I had to put into escaping the confines of a dream. I can readily say that without Flo’s help, I probably would have given up. As it was, it took me probably two hours to do.

When I did break free, I found myself in yet another kind of void, though this one was not without colors. Specks of color flooded the area around me, coming in all shapes and sizes. From what I could tell of the ones closest to me, they were smoky vortexes, constantly shifting as though something was trying to find a way out. A few of them flickered away as I watched and were replaced with others. After a few seconds of looking about me in wonder, Luna appeared.

“This is what I call the anteroom of dreamland proper. Each of those specks is a dream. The color describes what kind of dream it is. Black is a nightmare. Red is a sensual dream. White is a typical dream. Yellow is a happy dream. There are several other colors and shades, but those are the primary ones. Sizes represent the intensity of the dream. Larger dreams are being felt more intensely by the dreamer, while smaller dreams represent dreamers on the verge of waking up. I still don’t know what the shapes represent, even after all those years of trying to figure it out.”

“The soul, perhaps?” I mused as I tried discerning between dream bubbles around me. Most of them were larger than I was and they all seemed far away, so I was wondering what I was supposed to do.

“Perhaps.”

“How do you identify a dreamer?”

Luna looked around the void before spotting a particular bubble. She pointed out the white bubble and said, “Look at that and tell me what you feel.”

I did so and concentrated. After a moment, I felt it. “…Twilight?” I asked.

“Correct. I don’t know quite how it works yet, but if you are looking at a dream that belongs to a dreamer you know, you’ll be able to tell who the dream is. And if you think of a pony, you’ll be able to find their dream relatively easily.”

I thought of Taya and turned my head, looking to find anything. After a few seconds of searching, my eyes stopped on a green speck. “…Green?” I asked, taking a half-step toward it.

That half-step turned into a vault and I suddenly appeared right next to the speck, giving me some extreme vertigo. I lifted my hand to my head, rubbing at it to get my mind working right.

Luna wasted no time appearing next to me. “Moving around takes some getting used to,” she said, patting me on the shoulder. I gritted my teeth and had to fight from jerking away from her, but since she had been behaving, I let her have her moment.

“So how do I peek inside?” I asked.

“For a normal dream, you just put your hooves—or hands, I suppose—on the bubble and brush the smoke away. For a dream that is protected, like mine, yours, or Celestia’s, it’s impossible. You have to force your way in and hope you don’t get expelled, or leave a message in the smoke and hope for an answer.”

“How do you leave a message?”

“Trace lines in it and hope you get an answer. Most dreamers don’t know how to reply, or would probably never think to look for one.”

“Will anyone be able to tell if they’re being peeked at?”

“It’s possible, if they see the hole you make. I’ve never had anypony mention it to me, though.”

“Hm… What happens if you step inside one?”

She grinned. “I thought you’d never ask. We’ll start easy, with a happy dream.” She looked around for one, idly saying, “As far as I can tell, dreams are sorted in the anteroom by distance. As in, the closer you are to the dreamer, the closer their dream is to you when you first break out of your dream. I’ve never been able to prove it, not that anypony but me cares. Ah, there’s one.”

She grabbed me by the hand and took a step, dragging me forward an unknowable distance. When we stopped, we were standing in front of a dream that brought some semblance of familiarity to me, but not enough to actually recognize the dreamer.

“Let me just look inside to know what to expect,” she said, letting go of me and putting her front hooves on the triangular bubble. She gently tore into it and pushed her face against it. She immediately pulled away, blushing. “L-let’s find a different one.”

“What’s wrong with that one?”

“You don’t want to know!” She began quickly looking for another one while I approached the bubble we were standing next to. I did as she had, putting my hands against it and gently opening a hole. I saw a familiar filly sitting on my lap in a giant mound of pillows, gently being petted and called ‘best pony.’ I wasn’t wearing a shirt and I couldn’t tell if I was wearing pants.

I very quickly backed away, pulling my hands out of the bubble and letting it close. When I turned back to Luna, she was smirking, trying not to laugh. “We will never speak of this again,” I said.

“I told you that you didn’t want to know,” she giggled.

“That doesn’t mean it’s not your fault. If you’ll recall, you are the reason all these damn fillies have crushes on me and are giving me candy that they shoved up their vag first.”

“…What.”

“No joke. First few days I was back home after I got stabbed, the school teacher came by with a gift for me. Candy canes and stuff. Doppel was able to smell the lust coming off the stuff and I was able to smell, feel, and taste the juices.”

“That is absolutely disgusting. What did the teacher say?”

“I didn’t tell her. All things told, it didn’t taste that bad.”

One of her eyebrows slowly lifted as she contemplated what I just said. Eventually, she replied, “You’re joking, right?”

“Nope. Doppel and I shared it.”

She face-hoofed. “Nav, you have a problem. A serious mental problem that you really need to work on.”

Pot calling the kettle black. “That’s nice. We gonna invade a dream or what?”

“…Very well. Since this came up, I have a warning: Be wary of stepping into dreams that you are in. You take over the body of the dream apparition, rather than opening a portal and entering. This can lead to a number of interesting events. And it is possible to lose yourself in the dream, though that has only ever happened to me once.”

“Heh, step into a wet dream featuring you?”

“No, though that would have been preferable. Now, let’s find a happy dream that doesn’t involve you, shall we?”

I pointed at random, thinking of Derpy. “That one work?” I asked, my finger stopping at a yellow amorphous blob.

“It will do. How do you know that pony?”

“Friend of mine. She’s a weird one, but about as happy as it’s possible to be. Should be safe.” I took a step that way and felt less vertigo than before. Getting the hang of it. Luna followed me over as I stuck my hands on the blob and gently pulled it open. Peering inside gave me a glimpse of a landscape that had vast fields of bubble wrap, trees that grew muffins, red oceans, pink clouds, and a sky that was as blue as Rainbow Dash. “Yeah, I think this will do fine,” I said as I located Derpy and what looked like her daughter Dinky sitting at a picnic in one of the bubble wrap fields.

I pulled away and found Luna looking inside as well. “Yes, this is perfect. Now, we don’t want to be seen by the dreamer just yet. One of those muffin tree copses would be good to hide in. Open a hole and pull yourself inside, looking at the place you want to go. I will appear next to you.”

I shrugged and did so, widening the hole I made and pulling myself inside. With a flash of an even more intense vertigo, I appeared in an overgrown glade, wondering where I was and how I got there. By the time I shook my head clear, Luna appeared next to me.

“Tell me your name,” she said, looking dead at me.

I blinked a few times. “…Navarone?” I said after a few seconds.

“And where are you?”

“I… Luna, what are you doing here?” She nodded at that for some reason as I looked around. “Hell, where is here? This place looks… wrong.”

“Think, Navarone. Where were you five minutes ago?”

“I… I don’t remember.”

She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look into her intense eyes, putting a lot of weight on me. “Think. Remember the anteroom. Remember the void. Remember the dreamscape, the bubbles and the colors. Remember why I brought you here.”

Perhaps some of the sanity in her eyes transferred over to mine, because I slowly felt something chugging in my brain. What she was talking about brought memories to my mind, half-forgotten dreams in a realm that seemed mad, but slowly grew more sane as the thoughts filtered into my mind. Finally, it kicked.

“This is a dream. Derpy’s dream.”

Luna grinned and the legs on my shoulder fell onto my back as she pulled me into a hug. “I knew you could break free.”

“Yes, yes. Now let me go.” She sighed and pulled away, falling to the ground. “Why didn’t you warn me that would happen?”

“I forgot. It’s been so long that it happened to me, I didn’t remember it could happen. It gets easier with practice. But now that I think of it, that might have been why I didn’t want you to enter a nightmare first.”

Flo sniffed. “If she had done that, I would have woken you up. I was just about ready to step in as it was.”

“Well, here we are. Now what?”

“The hard part is over. You have all the powers you have in your own dreams. All it takes is applying them.”

I decided to pull something out of reality and realized that I had only eaten once during the day. I shrugged and pulled a grilled cheese sandwich out of nowhere, biting into it.

“What is that?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Grilled cheese,” I answered between bites. “Best one I’ve had in ages.”

She reached over to my hand and nipped part of the other side, tearing off a chunk and pulling back. I rolled my eyes and tossed the remains aside. It disappeared before hitting the ground. After she had a chance to actually taste it, she hastily swallowed. “It’s glorious! How do you make it?”

“Put cheese on bread. Grill it. It’s grilled fucking cheese. The name tells you how to make it. Now, what else do we have to do here?”

“We could greet the inhabitant, but I try to never interrupt happy dreams; the appearance of an outside element could ruin it.”

“So we leave and look for another one?”

“That would be wise, yes. This is an interesting dream, but it is hardly the most unique I’ve seen. Escaping these dreams is the same as escaping your original one.”

I sighed and began attempting to break free again. It only took me half an hour this time. When we were back in the void, I turned to Luna and said, “So what happens if I’m in a dream and they wake up?”

“One of three things. One, you wake up. Two, you return to this place. Three, you return to your dream. It seems to be random.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. So, shall we find a less pleasant dream?”

“It would be wise to continue getting experience in the pleasant ones, Nav. Just getting in and out of a dream in optimal conditions is difficult for you. I would not want something like that to happen in a nightmare.”

“I didn’t say we should hit a nightmare. I said we should hit a less pleasant one. But hell, I learn best under pressure anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Nightmare Moon is the worst that could happen. I will not lose you as I lost myself, not to something that can be avoided!” She took a deep breath before expelling it violently from her nose. “Now, let’s find another yellow one. There is much training to do and the night wanes.”

“We’ve only been here for a few hours.”

She shook her head. “Yes, but I am a princess and I have duties. I would love to stay here all night, but I can’t. We have time enough for one more dream before I have to return to running the country. And you will probably need some normal sleep.”

I shrugged. “Whatever.”

She cast her gaze around us and located another dream at random. “There. That dream is happy.” She grabbed my hand again and pulled me toward it. She peeked inside and nodded. “This will do. I’ll go inside first. Try to find me.”

Before I could answer, she slipped inside, giving me an interesting view of her flank. “Don’t even think about it,” Flo warned, a sharp tone in her voice.

“I’m not a fool.” I ripped a hole into the dream and looked around inside. What I saw was enough to make me lift my eyebrows: I peered down onto a vast ocean, a large boat slowly trekking across the sea. As I looked down onto the ship and its crew, I found that I recognized a number of kids from Ponyville. It looked like Pip was the captain of the ship and Luna stood beside him, dressed in some modest and demure gown.

I reached up to my neck and loudly popped it before tearing the hole open farther and throwing myself inside, landing on Luna’s back.

Before I could lose myself, Flo whispered, “Wake up,” into my mind. I blinked and the fog of confusion that was crawling into my mind receding, lucidity returning perfectly.

“Easy enough,” I said, patting Luna on the neck.

She looked back at me, smirking. “Was it?”

I had time to look confused before a flying weight threw me off her back and landed on top of me. I looked into the face of Pipsqueak as he grew into a much larger stallion. “Stay away from my mare!”

I tilted my head and grabbed him by the throat, instantly on my feet with him dangling in front of me. “You can keep her,” I said, dropping Pipsqueak onto the ground. “But if you attack me again, you’ll find out why it’s a bad idea to attack knights.” He narrowed his eyes, but didn’t comment, preferring instead to walk over to ‘his’ mare.

I zoned out whatever stupid conversation he was attempting to have as I looked over the ship. There’s no way this thing is seaworthy.

“It’s a dream,” Flo said. “Don’t question the logic.”

“Meh. I see nothing to be gained here. Shall we?”

Flo sighed. “You really need to be more careful when you’re talking to me. Especially around Luna. But yes, I think leaving might be a good idea.”

I teleported over to the front of the ship, staring into the waters as I did my best to escape. This time, I was able to get out in merely ten minutes.

Luna joined me outside the dream soon after. “You’re getting better. I’m surprised you were able to get your consciousness back that quickly.”

I just shrugged. “So that’s it for tonight?”

She nodded. “That’s it for tonight. I will visit you again tomorrow and we’ll continue. Returning to your own dream is as simple as escaping from this realm. Just do as you would do for a dream and you’ll be back where you belong.”

“Then I will see you tomorrow, Luna.”

She nodded. “Goodbye, then.” She waited for a response, but I was already trying to get back and wasn’t going to be bothered delivering one. She just sighed and left.

Soon enough, I was back in my own dream. Flo seeped out of my pants and pulled around my legs before regaining some form behind me and hugging me. “This will be an interesting skill to know,” she commented, slowly pulling me back to lie on top of her. “And it will be useful for communication when you leave. If you ever get separated from anyone on the ship, just wait for them to fall asleep and break into their dream.”

“Yeah. Though really, I’m just learning so I can fuck around.”

“I know. Now, you need to get some rest. I believe you’ll probably be waking up soon, and you have a very busy week ahead of you.”

“Sadly. It just keeps happening, doesn’t it?”

“You know you love it.”

I just sighed.

Chapter Eighty-Two—New friend…s?

Chapter Eighty-Two—New friend...s?

I woke up cuddled next to the horrifying abomination commonly known as Chrysalis. I immediately suppressed my impulse to scream and instead snuggled closer, very used to dealing with hideous monstrosities by that point. Besides, Chrysalis is a real cutie once you get around all the evilness and the chitin and pretty much everything else about her. She also has good self-control; I was surprised she reverted back to her normal form during the night.

Since I really didn’t want to get out of bed just yet—and I had no real reason to—I decided to just lie there with her cold, hard body in my arms. I can’t imagine queens get many chances to sleep in and relax, so I knew she would be happy to be able to. And it was always nice to be held, so I wasn’t complaining.

I was still drifting in and out, my eyes closed, when she shifted and then pulled away from me. I heard her lightly hum as she pulled the covers away. “Morning wood?” she whispered. “Hm. More like breakfast.”

Welllll… If I’m ‘asleep,’ I can’t really stop her. I heard a wet smack in my head and assumed Flo facepalmed.

A few minutes and some much-needed relief later, Chrysalis gently brushed her hoof against my face. “Time to wake up, Nav,” she quietly said.

I blearily opened my eyes, grinning slightly when I saw her. “I was just dreaming about you,” I whispered before sitting up. “I feel pretty good, too.”

“That is good to hear. I don’t suppose I could trouble you for a snack before I depart? You always have a sweet taste.”

“I suppose I can give you a good breakfast, then.” She giggled and bent in, horn glowing…

Just in time for Princess Gilda to slam the door open. “I ha—WHAT THE BUCK?!”

We both looked at her like a teenage boy being told his girlfriend is pregnant. “So. Gilda, this is Queen Chrysalis. Chrysalis, this is Princess Gilda.”

“I know who she is!” Gilda shouted. “What is she doing here and why is she trying to eat you?”

“She was visiting someone nearby and needed a nice place to stay. I offered her my bed. And she’s trying to feed off me because she’s hungry. It affects me differently than it affects ponies, so she might as well feed off me instead of someone else. And besides, could you say no to that adorable face?”

Confusion reigned on Gilda’s face as I’m sure she was feeling rather conflicted. Eventually, disgust won out and she just walked out without a word.

Chrysalis sniffed. “Griffins.” Her horn lit up and the door closed. “Now, where were we?”

Taya and I walked in relative silence to the party that was taking place in the park. Everyone else but the naga was invited, though only Doppel decided to go. However, she was apparently too cool to be seen entering with us, and was planning on leaving to get to it later. Chrysalis left shortly after feeding on me, so she wasn’t going with us. Cadance was still worried about getting seen, even though just about everyone knew at that point that she was in my house. The naga wasn’t invited because I knew how he felt about gay relationships. Taya only went because I was going.

“So, what do we do if it gets violent?” Taya suddenly asked.

“You immediately leave. I’ll try to calm everyone down. If push comes to shove, I’ll extract her myself.”

“I’m not leaving you, daddy.”

“Then get ready to throw up a shield if I tell you to. We are not going to hurt anyone today. I’m pretty sure it won’t come to that. Ponies are pretty docile.”

“I’m not very docile.”

“Sure you are. You’re too cute and cuddly to ever hurt anyone.” Aside from Blueblood. “But that was, for the most part, a generality. I’ve met some pretty violent ponies in my time, after all.” Like Blueblood. “But again, we’ll probably be fine.”

“If you say so…”

On the road to the party, we bumped into Fluttershy and Applejack, presumably also heading to it. Fluttershy gave me a happy smile and Applejack gave me a shark’s grin. “It’s wonderful to see you out of bed, Nav!” Fluttershy said. “How do you feel?”

“Really good. You get used to feeling terrible and tired all the time and when you suddenly don’t anymore, it’s amazing. I trust you two are doing good?”

Applejack took that as her cue to jump in. “Doin’ mighty fine… Say Nav, you remember those seeds you gave me?”

“I do. Any luck with them?”

“More than you could ever believe, partner. I uh… I went a little overboard when it came to plantin’, not expecting anythin’ to grow from them. I’ll admit, I was wrong. I have as much of the Apple family as they can spare coming in from Appaloosa to help me with harvest in the next month. I was wondering if you could join us.”

“I don’t see why not. I can’t imagine I’ll be able to do much, but a set of hands is always useful.”

“We can think of some stuff for you to do, don’t you worry. Now, don’t reckon either of you know what this party’s about?”

I shrugged. “You know Pinkie. She doesn’t even need an excuse to throw a party. A wedding coming up is good enough for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she threw in an element of me getting better or something.”

Fluttershy added, “I heard somepony was going to make a big announcement. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.”

“I can give you a hint,” I said. “It’ll be very surprising. Hopefully it won’t be an unpleasant surprise.”

“Now how do you know what it is?” Applejack asked.

“Because announcing it was my idea. Trust me when I say that it’s nothing bad.”

She snorted. “Comin’ outta your mouth? Well, I don’t get that slimy feeling in my gut that I usually get whenever you start flapping your lips, so I guess I’ll trust you this time. Nothing the town can’t handle, I reckon.”

“I certainly hope so,” I said. “So how have things been without me around for a month?”

Ugh, I hate recording small talk. Long story short, nothing important happened other than the Earth-that-was crops growing magnificently.

When we all got to the park, the party was already underway. From the looks of things, a very good chunk of Ponyville was there. After all, most ponies love Pinkie parties, and the invitations were rather freely given. A chance to skip work for a few hours and have fun draws quite a crowd.

Fluttershy and Applejack split off from our impromptu group and made their way to their main group of friends, though Fluttershy cast me a passing look as they left. I barely saw it, since I was already scanning the crowds for Bon-Bon or Lyra. When my questing eyes finally found the couple, I started walking that way, only to get immediately blocked by Pinkie.

“Heya Nav!” She had a party hat stuck on one of her front hooves, and I knew that she thought it was destined to be on my head.

“Hello, Pinkie. You are doing well, I trust?”

“Yeppity yep yep! And you’re doing much better! But not completely better, or you wouldn’t be here… But that’s okay, because you’re here!”

“I must’ve bumped my head on something while fighting that giant bird yesterday.” I saw Taya’s head jerk at me when I said that, but she didn’t comment. “For some reason, coming to a party for a couple that I’m performing a wedding ceremony for seemed like a good idea. Hm… You know what would be funny?”

“What’s that? I love funny things!”

I took the party hat on her hoof and put it on one of her ears. I put the other one on her head on her other ear. “There. Now you’re a pony elf.”

“What? I can’t hear you!”

I grinned. “Even better.” I reached out and poked her on the nose because it felt appropriate. “Now, I’m going to go talk to the guests of honor.”

“What?” I was already walking away, Taya jumping to follow me.

“So. A giant bird?” she hotly asked.

“Yep. Figured you woulda seen the feathers on the ground, though I did give the mess to the naga for cleaning. He didn’t do me any harm.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yep, no harm at all. Say, did you see where Lyra and Bon-Bon went?”

“I didn’t. I was too busy making sure Pinkie didn’t put anything on me.”

“She’s pretty easy to deal with. Misdirection is all it takes. She wanted to put that party hat on my head, but I guided her into thinking it would be better over her ears. Then when she was too busy wondering what happened, I wandered off. Easy enough. Ah, there they are.” I finally spotted Bonnie again, though she seemed to be lacking her fiancée.

I started heading that way when I was waylaid by yet another of my friends. “Been a while,” Twilight said, stepping in front of me.

“Well, I’ve been stuck in a bed for the past month. It’s hardly my fault you don’t consider me important enough to visit. And I thought we were friends.”

“What? No, I—Ooh, you always do this!”

“That’s because you’re just an easy target. What did you need, Twilight?”

“Did Applejack tell you about her crops?”

“Yeah. She asked for my help already. I didn’t figure she’d ask anyone from Ponyville, though.”

“We’re all her friends, Nav. We offered to help, since that’s what friends do. We knew harvest was coming up, though we didn’t know she had so many more plants than usual… She mentioned that you might have something to do with that.”

Dammit Applejack, you weren’t supposed to tell anyone! “She did? Interesting. Well, I’ll definitely be helping, so you needn’t worry about me not being there. Now if you’ll excuse me—”

“What I’m wondering is,” she interrupted, “where did you happen to get a large number of seeds? Sure, you mentioned that you used to do some farming back at your home, but it was always helping with animals. Where ever could you have gotten some large number of seeds?”

“I haven’t the slightest.” Her horn lit up. Fuck. “Now again, if you’ll just excuse me—”

“So where did you find them? Because you apparently know full well where you got them and that it was you who did.”

I narrowed my eyes slightly. “As a royal knight of Princess Luna, I demand you step aside. I will not answer your questions and you will stop asking them.”

She grit her teeth and glared at me. “This isn’t over, Nav. Not by a long shot.”

“We’ll see about that.” I walked right on past her, not gracing her with a parting glance. I had no way of really preventing her from going to Celestia, but I could knock the thought right out of her mind by getting Bonnie to make her announcement.

…Of course, that was only a temporary solution. She’d think about it again after the party. How oh how to go about this…

Flo whispered, “It was bound to happen eventually, Nav. You can only hide something like this for so long. Just let me go through the laptop and see if I can absorb the information. Then you can destroy it if Celestia comes by for a quick visit.”

I considered my options. Really, that was the best one. I couldn’t trust that thing with anyone in power, because I knew it would get fiddled with. I could perhaps leave it with someone like Dash or Fluttershy, getting a promise to tell no one about it and to never mess with it. Or maybe Bon-Bon and Lyra.

But those were concerns for another time. I tried to wipe the frown off my face as I renewed my search for Bonnie. Imagine my surprise when she popped up next to me instead.

“I was starting to think you’d never come and talk to me,” she said, sipping on some manner of punch. “So I decided to find you instead.”

“I have very needy friends,” I said by way of answer. “So have you two decided how you want to do it yet?”

She nodded. “Pinkie set up a small stage for when we’re ready. We decided to wait a little while for any stragglers and for everypony to feel at-ease.”

“Nervous?”

“A little… You and Lyra keep saying it’ll be okay, but I can’t help but think… Well, it’ll work out, won’t it? And you’ll be there in case anything happens?”

“I don’t plan on going anywhere, no. If you want me to be near the stage when it happens, just tell me when to be there.”

“Alright. And we’ve decided that if all goes well, we want to start doing wedding things in a week. So practice in a week, actual wedding a day after that, then ‘big’ wedding a day after that. If… If it gets big, of course.”

“Alright, that’ll be easy enough. I’m sure we each have our lines memorized by now, since we each only have a few short ones. You guys have a venue set up yet?”

“We were waiting to see how everything turned out. That’s not a problem, is it?”

“Nope. Just make sure you get a place set up before you send out wedding invitations. Sure would be a shame if the location is a bust and you have to send out more invites.”

“You won’t have to worry about that. We’ll be sure about any location we get. Thankfully, we won’t be bringing in anypony from too far out of town.”

“Your family won’t be coming by?”

“I… don’t think that would be a good idea. I haven’t seen them in ages… It would certainly be strange for them to see me now, all grown up and completely changed.”

“Meh. Up to you. It’ll look strange to have only half of the chapel full, but I’m sure that won’t matter too much.”

“Half the chapel? What do you mean?”

“Where I come from, the bride’s family sits on one side and the groom’s—or the other bride’s, I guess—sits on the other.”

She shook her head. “Here, everypony is intermixed, to show that two families become one. It doesn’t always work perfectly, but it’s a nice sentiment. But only Lyra’s family and a few of our closest friends will be at our marriage anyway. And the ‘chapel,’ or wherever we decide, probably won’t be that large.”

“Alright. Looks like I need to do some more research on your marriage customs, then. But since all I’m doing is following my lines, it shouldn’t be much of a problem.”

“For now. But when you get yourself a special somepony, it’ll be good to know. And a wedding is a pretty good place to find one, you know…” Oh boy, the look on her face…

“I’m not in the market right now.”

“Oh, are you sure? I know just the mare for you, too! And I’m sure I could find a stallion instead, if that’s the way you lean.”

“I am quite sure, thank you. And I prefer females, not that it really matters.”

She sighed. “Oh well. Maybe we can get you somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day. You have that nice, big house, now you just need a wife to share it with.”

“Speaking of that, I have a proposal for you and your wife-to-be. Can you—”

Before I could get anything else out, the noise of a dinner bell cut me off. We both looked where it was coming from and saw Pinkie banging away at it on a platform, Lyra standing next to her looking abashed. Bon-Bon sighed and whispered, “Come on,” when Pinkie stopped. She started trotting through the crowd that slowly gathered around the platform. I followed at a more sedate pace, since I had less distance to travel; I just needed to be near the platform, not on it.

Lyra was starting some manner of speech, thanking everyone for being there. I wasn’t really paying attention, too busy watching Bonnie pick through the crowd until she got to the stage as well. When she did, Lyra finished her speech with, “Now, for our big announcement! Bon-Bon, dear, would you like to tell everypony?”

“It is my announcement… Everypony, I’ve been… lying to you all.” There were a number of gasps and Pinkie jerked back.

“I knew it!” Pinkie shouted. “I knew you took the cookie from the cookie jar!”

Bon-Bon blinked. “Who, me?”

“Yes you!”

“Couldn’t be! I don’t—”

Pinkie gasped, cutting her off. “Then who?!”

The crowd started grumbling as all the ponies looked at each other with accusing glances, each wondering who had been the one to steal the cookie. Bon-Bon and I both face-whatevered.

After about fifteen seconds of letting the ponies talk, Bonnie shouted, “I’m a changeling!” and dropped her disguise. “There! It couldn’t have been me that took the cookie; I can’t even eat pony food!”

There were a few shrugs in the audience as they realized this absolved her of the guilt. That continued for a few seconds before the realization hit them and they all jerked their heads back to the stage, eyes filled with a mix of horror, confusion, and an inkling of anger.

Bon-Bon seemed to notice that and continued, “I… I’ve been like this the whole time. There never was a Bon-Bon, not a real one.” She was looking down at this point, unable to meet the eyes of the crowd. “It was all an elaborate ruse…” She finally looked up, a tinge of pride coming to her voice as she continued, “But I love Lyra. I love her and we will get married!”

Lyra stepped up next to her, throwing a front leg around Bonnie’s back. “Yep! I love her, no matter who—or what—she is.”

The silence seemed to stretch, with the audience seemingly getting more and more upset, before Twilight stepped forward, a concerned expression on her face. “Bon-Bon—if that is your name, now—I’ve known you since I got to Ponyville. And I’ve known Lyra for longer. For everypony’s peace of mind, would you and Lyra consent to having Lyra’s mind checked for charm magic? Everypony knows how Chrysalis ensnared the mind of my brother, Shining Armor.”

Lyra glared at Twilight and was probably about to yell at her when Bonnie put a gnarled hoof on her neck, shaking her head. “Of course, Twilight,” Bon-Bon said. “We have nothing to hide.”

I stepped forward at that point. “Wait a second,” I said. “Lyra had her mind torn into by Chrysalis before the royal wedding. Would that affect your spell?”

“It would,” Twilight answered. “But I can adjust its power and how long back it goes. A year should give us all the proof we need, either way.” She turned to Lyra. “This should be noninvasive and will only take a few seconds. Step away from Bon-Bon, please.” Lyra did so, with a long parting glance and a short nuzzling. Soon enough, she stood alone on the platform.

Twilight’s horn lit up and a dim purple beam of light hit Lyra on the forehead. The breath of everyone in the area caught and they all leaned forward, waiting to hear the results of Twilight’s search. Half a minute later, Twilight’s horn shut off and she nodded. “Nothing.”

Lyra’s face burst into a grin and she glomped her buggy lover. There was some clapping or clopping or whatever in the crowd, some indifference, and I saw a few ponies walking away in a huff. I knew Bon-Bon would have some work to do to get all the ponies back as her friend, but I was thankful that there didn’t seem to be any violence.

Just as I was stepping away from the couple to hit up the punch bowl, Twilight stepped near me. “You knew, didn’t you?” she accused.

“I did,” I answered with a nod.

“You should have told somepony, Nav!”

“Taya knew. I didn’t tell anyone else because it wasn’t anyone’s business. It was Bon-Bon’s secret and I knew telling someone would risk it. And I’ll have you know that it was on my advice that she told the town.”

“And I bet you had to convince her to tell Lyra, didn’t you? Should we really trust a changeling like this?”

“I tried to convince her not to tell Lyra. When I heard her reasoning, I eventually gave her my blessing. Those two are in love as much as your brother and Cadance are in love, and I won’t step in the way of that. I’ll trust Bonnie because Lyra trusts her. I suggest you do the same.”

She sighed, looking away. “It feels… wrong. But if they love each other, they love each other. I still need to let Princess Celestia know, though. She’ll be very interested, I believe.”

“I’ll be interested in what?” Celestia asked, stepping up next to us from God knows where. Queen Chrysalis stood next to her, an amusing contrast from Celestia’s stark-white coat.

“P-princess!” Twilight stuttered before hastily bowing. I noticed that a number of other ponies around us were prostrated as well.

“Rise, everypony. I heard there was some manner of announcement here that I might be interested in. Did I miss it?”

“I’m afraid so,” I answered with a shrug. “Long story short, Bon-Bon’s a changeling and she’s marrying Lyra, who isn’t a changeling. Pretty simple, really.”

Celestia smiled. “Well, that’s wonderful news. I’m always happy to hear that my subjects are happy and getting married. I take it this is the couple?” she asked, looking over to Lyra picking up a somewhat bedraggled changeling. They both gulped and nodded. “I don’t suppose you would mind talking to me in private, would you? I have some questions I would like to ask.”

Lyra answered, “Of course, Princess. Come on, honey.” She casually tossed her lover onto her back from her position on the ground and began following Celestia to Twilight’s library. Chrysalis and Twilight followed.

I wanted to follow, but instead I gave Bon-Bon a thumbs up and said, “Time to go,” to Taya. My plan was to get gone before Celestia realized I wasn’t following. Thank God, we did. That gave me time to let Flo attempt her voodoo on the laptop before Celestia came by. We got out of town at a fast walk, heading back to my pad.

“So why are we going back so soon?” Taya asked. “We just got there.”

“If you want to stay, by all means. My job is finished and I need to do something back home. I won’t stop you from staying, if you’re interested.”

“No! I… I’m not a fan of parties. I’m fine with going home.”

“Well alright then. When we get home, if you see Celestia coming up to the door or to my room, delay her as much as possible. I have a feeling I’ll be getting a visit from her or Twilight soon.”

“Why? What was Twilight talking about when she mentioned the seeds?”

“Another gift from home. I brought a few things back. One of those things was seeds. I gave those seeds to Applejack and she grew plants for me. She was also stupid enough to tell fucking Twilight that she got them from me. So now I’ll have to deal with Celestia and Twilight on my case, asking where I got them. This might lead to the laptop being destroyed.”

“Can’t you hide it?”

“I could try, but I’d rather destroy it than risk Celestia getting her hooves on it. I could put it in my gene box…” I think there was a setting on there to atomize everything if the box gets tampered with or forced open. I’d have to look over it again.

“Why not give it to Gilda?”

“Because she’d look up how to make weapons. I might have a way of backing up all the information. I very sorely hope I do, because I might not have this laptop after today.”

“Why can’t you just tell her to leave you alone?”

“I’m certainly going to try. No promises about how it’ll end.” If all else fails, I’ll try seducing her. Maybe that would distract her.

Flo just sighed at that.

“Seems to me that if she doesn’t listen to you saying no, she should be put down.”

“That is the kind of thing you need to keep to yourself. Killing Celestia would bring more problems than it’s worth and I don’t want to hear you bringing it up again.” She didn’t reply, but I knew what she was thinking.

We got back to my house in a silence that made me wonder why she was spending time with me. I mean, we’re both bad at small-talk, so there tended to be long pauses in conversation. We don’t really have many common interests. I don’t know, maybe it’s just a child thing.

Right about the time we were getting back, Doppel was stepping out the door, all dolled up in a cute dress and what looked like blush on her cheeks. She sighed when she saw us and her tail and ears drooped. “Is the party already over?”

“Nah, we just left early. The big announcement’s done and I figured I was no longer needed.”

“So I can still go?”

“Sure, knock yourself out. If you see Celestia heading this way, do your best to distract her. Other than that, stay away from married guys and you’re good.”

“Of course. I have two exuberant young guys to steal all the lust I need from. I just like looking good sometimes.”

I shrugged. “More power to you. Have fun.”

She grinned, showing off her fangs. “Oh, I will.” Her wings lifted from her dress and she jumped into the air, buzzing off toward Ponyville.

Taya and I stepped on inside. I immediately went upstairs to get to my laptop. Taya followed me, because that’s what she does. It would probably be best to remove her once I got Flo into the laptop, but she could hang around until then. Freki was also chilling out up there, since he knew how important I considered the shit in my office. He followed us in.

“So how are you going to back it up?” she asked as I pulled the laptop from the locked drawer.

I booted it up and answered, “A secret. One I’m not certain you should know just yet…”

“At least give her the hint,” Flo whispered.

“…But it might not hurt.” Are you ready?

By way of answer, I felt something gently trickling from my ears. Taya gasped in surprise as some of Flo dribbled down my arm, connected to the laptop.

“Taya, do you remember how I said that I have a voice in my head? And that I talk to her sometimes? Meet Flo.” Taya’s mouth just dropped. “Yeah, that was my reaction.” Flo’s tendril of watery machines tentatively poked one of the information ports of my laptop before actually connecting with it. The slightly pink-tinged tendril immediately turned black. “Flo?” Not once had I ever seen her as that color.

She didn’t or couldn’t answer. I resorted to gently stroking her watery form, trying to give her some manner of comfort. “What’s wrong?” Taya asked.

“I don’t know. Normally she’s a light pink or blue. Black has to be some kind of distress… Dammit, Flo.”

“So what is she?”

“A tight grouping of nanomachines that have attained sentience and call themselves a water elemental. Her name is Flo. I found her… Well, that doesn’t matter anymore. And as with many things, this is a secret. A huge secret. Never mention this again at all until I give you permission, not even to me.”

“What does she do, then?”

“She’s the reason I’m not crazy, basically. She protects my dreams from the horrors I would usually have. She also keeps me company in my mind, and is the reason I can remember all the books I write.”

“How long have you known her?”

“Since Appaloosa. It’s strange, having someone living in your head, but you get used to it.”

“…Can I meet her? Or at least, talk to her?”

“Maybe. I’ll have to ask her when she gets back in my head. And you don’t need to worry; she’s just as protective of me as you are.”

“I find that hard to believe,” she muttered, looking down at the black mass connected to the laptop. “So what is she doing?”

“Trying to back up all the information, copying it for herself. This way, if I do have to destroy the laptop, I’ll still have the information.”

“But then no one else can use it.”

“Not my problem. I’m doing the only thing I can. If you can find your own precious little brain leech, feel free to bring her here and I’ll let her take some information. But otherwise, this is the only way I have of backing it up.”

“How long do you think it’ll take?”

“I have no clue. She isn’t even certain she can do it, but I believe she can. She’ll have to get it done before Celestia gets here, or be ready to give up and get back into me.” It looked like she was slowly making progress; her color was slowly brightening from its dark black look.

“What’s she like?”

“…Nice. Comforting. Motherly, in a way. She got me through so much, so many times of horror. I don’t really know if I’d still be kicking without her. I’m certainly very thankful that I have her.” She was into grey now, out of her dark black look. “I know she’s better than this damn laptop, too. She’ll get through this.” She’d better. I’d be going on a long trip for nothing if she withered away.

“So all those times I found you talking to yourself…”

“I was actually talking to Flo, yes. The voice in my head. I may be crazy, but I’m not insane."

“I never said you were.”

“Didn’t stop you from thinking it.” She didn’t have an answer for that one. We lapsed into silence for a few moments, Flo still steadily turning colors. “I don’t know how much time we have. If Twilight told Celestia about the crops, she could be on her way here already.” I was wearing my ring, so she’d probably have to get here the old-fashioned way. “Can you wait downstairs, get Cadance and the naga, and distract her as long as possible if she does come in the front?”

“How?”

“I don’t care. Anything short of attacking her works for me. I’d rather give her the laptop than let her find out about Flo. If Cadance asks why, tell her I said it’s extremely important.”

“…Okay, daddy.” She walked over to the door and put a hoof on the handle before looking back and saying, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Taya. And don’t worry; we’ll be fine. It’s just another little bit of subterfuge.”

“Right.” She opened the door and left, letting it close behind her. It was just me, Freki, and Flo left. I wanted to get up and lock the door, but I really didn’t want to leave Flo sitting there alone. But I also needed to get to my safe, which meant I had to leave her anyway.

I sighed and rubbed her one last time before saying, “I’ll be right back, I promise.” There was no answer, of course. I hesitantly let her go before jumping up and running over to the door to lock it. Then I ran to the safe inlaid in the wall and opened it. I pulled the gene-locked box out and slammed the safe shut, not bothering to lock it again; there was nothing else in the damn thing anyway. Finally, I sprinted back to my chair and sat down, taking Flo back in my hand. I didn’t know if I was helping, but it felt right to be there for her.

While one hand was busy with her, the other opened the box. Inside were a few important documents, the gender stones, my magic key, a small stash of gold, and some other, less important things. What I was interested in was the little command console at the top that I never really looked at all that much.

I poked around the thing a little, looking for some settings. It didn’t take me long to find them; the console wasn’t that difficult and it was obviously made for someone that wasn’t all that great with computers. There was one thing that cleared all owner data, one that said the next user would be added to the database of owners, one thing that turned self-destruction status on or off, and a few other options. I reached inside the box and removed everything, shuddering slightly as my hand pulled out the gender stones.

When the box was emptied, I turned on the self-destruction option. I didn’t have an instruction manual, but I was hoping that option would destroy whatever was in the box if it was forcibly opened. I was planning on putting the laptop in the box when Flo was finished.

Which seemed like it would be soon, given that she was closer to white than black at that point. “Come on, Flo. Kick that thing’s ass. Or something like that.” I imagine if her tendril had eyes, they’d be rolling. Either way, she didn’t answer.

Unfortunately, I had a very bad feeling about the next few minutes. That bad feeling came from me remembering that I have a tinted window behind my desk that I could use to watch Ponyville. More specifically, it came from seeing Celestia, Twilight, and two guards walking through my gates. Freki whined when he sensed my reaction.

“Fuck. Flo, we have, like, five minutes. Get whatever you’re doing done and get it done quickly!” Once again, there was no response. But I did begin putting everything I pulled from the box into various places on my desk in preparation for Celestia’s entrance.

Flo was almost back to her original color, thankfully. I have no idea what that signified, but I was assuming it was a good thing. I didn’t even care if she couldn’t get all the information, at this point; I just wanted her to get back into my head where she was safe and I could hide the laptop.

A quick look out the window showed that Celestia and company were in the house. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer that no one heard and picked up my stroking on Flo, nervous and worried for the first time in a long time.

Just when I was about to give up hope and just chuck her and the laptop under my desk, the sliver of water spasmed and disconnected from the computer. I hurriedly lifted Flo to my ear, letting her slither back inside. Closing the laptop and shuddering from the feeling of having something entering my ear, I slipped the machine into the box, closed it, and pushed it onto the floor next to my desk. As an afterthought, I kicked it under the desk, where no one else could see it.

I managed to lean back in my seat before the doorknob lit up and the door slid open, automatically unlocking. “Well that was fucking rude,” I commented, pulling a knife out of a hidden sheath and picking at my fingernails with it. Freki began quietly growling, standing in an aggressive stance.

“I didn’t want to make you get up,” Celestia answered, stepping inside. Twilight followed her, a smug smirk on her face. Celestia casually walked over to the front of my desk and eyed the chair I had set up before using magic to move it aside and summoning a couch from somewhere. She plopped down into it, still completely ignoring the angry wolf in the corner. “Now, I’ve heard you might be hiding something of interest from me.”

“You don’t say. Freki!” The dog snorted and stopped growling, but still glared at Celestia.

“Is there perhaps any truth to that?”

“Sure is.”

“I see. Is it something that I should know about?”

“That’s certainly debatable. Me, I’d say no.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Is it something that I think I should know about?”

“Probably.” I set the knife on the desk and leaned back. Freki inched forward, ready to pounce.

“And are you going to tell me?”

“Not a snowball’s chance in hell.”

She shrugged. “Then I have no more business here.” She stood, lighting her horn up to dismiss the couch. “Come along, Twilight.”

Twilight’s smug expression turned to one of shock as Celestia turned to the door. “But Princess— He-he’s hiding something! Something important! I just know it!”

“And it isn’t our business. He would tell us if it was something dangerous.” She didn’t even stop for that reply. Celestia just let herself right back out. Freki sat back, tilting his head in confusion.

Twilight stood there staring at the door for a few seconds, dumbfounded. To be fair, I was just about as surprised; I was expecting a full fucking royal inquiry or something. She finally whispered, “I don’t understand…” After a few seconds to consider, she whirled on me. “This is all your fault!”

“…What’s my fault?”

“The princess ignoring me! What did you do to her?!”

“No clue. I was expecting her to rake me over the coals or something. Hell, never expected to get out of the country with this secret intact. Celestia’s more of a bro than I thought, I guess. Ah well, out you go.”

Her eyes narrowed. “The princess may say it’s alright, but this isn’t over.”

I sighed, rubbing at my temple with one hand. “Twilight, it’s nothing bad, I swear. It’s just a secret that I don’t think you should know. Not all knowledge is safe or good and some things sure aren’t worth learning. Please, for the sake of what little of our friendship might remain, just drop it.”

She looked away, sighing. “Nav, I… I can’t just not learn something. Especially something like this! I need to know!”

I heard a strangulated voice in my head say, “Tell her.”

This won’t end well. I nodded at the door. “Close the door and pull a chair up. What we’re about to discuss goes fucking nowhere.” Her face and horn lit up as she pulled the door shut with her magic and slid the chair over with her magic. She did her best to sit down, staring at me with a huge smile.

I twisted the ring around my finger, staring off into space as I considered how to go about telling her. Finally, I nodded to myself. “Once again, no one can know of this. It’s only a matter of time before Celestia learns anyway, but the longer I have, the better off I’ll be in the long run. I found a way back home, to Earth. The seeds I gave to Applejack came from there.”

“How’d you get back?” she interrupted.

I ignored her. “I got a few other things, too. Nothing you need worry about, of course. Just some clothing and some technology.”

“Nav, we can study anything you brought back! Maybe even reverse engineer it!”

“Funny thing about my home, too. You remember how you always thought I came from an alternate dimension?” She nodded. “I came from the past, Twilight. All the humans are dead now. And here’s the kicker: Damn near every one of the people I ran into back there refused to consider me a human. So my race is extinct now. I always did feel like I was the last man standing. Guess it’s true, now…” I sighed, closing my eyes and letting my legs just slip further under the desk. “There’s the secret, Twilight: I went home and brought back pain.” Leave it to me to find a way to make a good day bad.

After a few seconds of silence, I felt a gentle nuzzle on my arm before Twilight pulled me into a hug. “Nav, what happened to us?” she whispered. “We used to be such good friends… And now we’re treating each other like enemies.”

“Time changes everything,” I morosely answered. “Just… don’t tell Celestia about this, Twilight. She doesn’t need to know; I didn’t bring back anything that will hurt her ponies. I just want some comforts from home, some souvenirs from a life I can’t have anymore.”

“…Alright, Nav. I trust you, Celestia take me for a fool.”

“It means a lot, Twilight. It feels like I can trust so few people anymore. It’s nice to have someone I can rely on.”

“Nav, you know you can rely on all of—Well, you can rely on some of us. Cadance, me, Applejack, Rainbow Dash. When have any of us let you down?”

“AJ barely knows me and is rarely in a hurry to speak with me. I’ll give you Dash and Cadance.” I shrugged and added, “Not like it’ll matter for much longer.”

She looked away. “I… I need to go, Nav. Princess Celestia might need me for something else. I really want to talk about whatever you got back where you came from, though. Can we discuss it later, maybe after the wedding?”

“Maybe. I’ll have to decide what to tell you. As I said before, not all knowledge is good to have, and my people have seen what happens when you give too much knowledge to a culture that doesn’t have that much.”

She rolled her eyes. “Nav, we have just as much knowledge as humans. It’s just in different areas. After all, you don’t have any magic.”

“And I thank God for that. Magic holds this place back. But that’s a debate for another time. Go and pleasure your teacher, or whatever.”

“Ugh. You’re horrible.”

“Go for her ears. They’re really sensitive.”

She blushed, quickly shaking her head and walking to the door. “I’ll see you later, Nav. And I won’t say a word to anypony, I promise.”

“Thank you. And send Taya up when you get downstairs.”

She just flicked her tail as she walked on out. When the door closed behind her, I dropped the little smile I had on. “Flo? Are you okay?”

“It… it was too much, Nav.” She sounded tired and hurt. “I think I got most of it, but the flood of information… I don’t know. That was entirely unfamiliar to me and I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“How do you feel?”

“I feel… odd. There’s an unpleasant sensation I’ve never felt before ringing through my body, but I don’t know what it is.”

“…Pain?”

“I don’t know if I can feel pain. But if I can… Yes. It hurts.”

Shit… “Can you at least tell if you got anything out of that laptop?”

“I got some information, yes. History. Blueprints. Other things… It’s all just a flood, a mess of things floating around in my mind. I’ve never felt this… disorganized!”

“Alright. Take some time to sort through everything in your mind. We have time now; I probably won’t need you for the rest of the day. Just rest.”

“That is… a good idea. I will go silent and not bother you. Just try not to get into any trouble.”

I grinned despite myself. “When have I ever done that?”

“Done what?” Taya asked, stepping inside. I didn’t even notice her opening the door. The puppy wagged his wooden tail when he saw her, and I felt about the same way.

“Just talking to Flo. She’s… pretty beat up. But everything went better than expected: Celestia just said a few things before leaving. The secret is safe for another day.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, for whatever reason. “We didn’t do a very good job of distracting her… She kind of ignored us.”

“It happens. And it all worked out well in the end, so whatever. Now, I’m taking the rest of the damn day off. I need to deal with Gilda and Flo really needs to rest.”

She shrugged. “Alright. I always like lazy days.”

That night and the next night, I skipped my ‘lessons’ with Luna. Flo was still feeling pretty bad and I didn’t want to go into any dreams without her to back me up. It’s not that I figured I couldn’t handle it, it’s more that I didn’t want to risk Luna pulling anything on me without someone there to help me. Call me paranoid, but I’d rather not take chances.

At around the middle of that second day, Spike came by. I was currently in my room with Gilda, going over some annoyingly detailed engine. We had been trying to figure the damn thing out for over an hour already and I think both of us were about on the edge of getting extremely pissed.

So when the door pushed open, we both saw it as a sign that it was break time. She stood, stretching. “I’ll be back when I’m back. I gotta get out of this stuffy room for a while.” She pushed past Spike with barely a glance, not paying attention to the sword on his back or the shield in his hand.

“You ready?” he asked as I shut the laptop.

“…For what?”

“We’re going to go see that changeling today, remember?”

I sighed. “Oh yeah. Let me think for a moment.” Flo, are you able to do anything?

“I am… well enough. And I believe I know how to help Mirror, from sorting through the computer’s documents.”

“Alright,” I said, standing off the bed. “I’ll get ready to go. But I don’t want you going, Spike. It might not be safe.”

He snorted, breathing out a thin plume of steam. “I’m going if I have to walk there. And I think that might be a little more dangerous than dealing with her personally.”

“Oh, I see what it is. You want to be held in my big, manly arms. I bet you’re just waiting to steal a kiss.”

He was blushing a bright red by the end of that, but he haughtily answered, “And with your reputation, you’d probably accept it.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I have a dragon fetish! I usually prefer them without a dick, though.”

“If that isn’t your fault, then it isn’t mine that I prefer soft and squishy to hard and buggy.”

I rolled my eyes before sarcastically saying, “Then we can fuck when we get back. For now, get out so I can change.” His eyes went really wide before he quickly made himself scarce. “…He does know what sarcasm is, right?” I asked no one.

Flo decided to answer, “I certainly hope so. You’ve been doing very well, and it would be a shame to ruin your streak on someone so innocent.”

“…Right. A shame.” I shook my head quickly and closed the door before changing into clothes that would work well under armor. When I had that on, I took a few minutes to put my armor on, because I wasn’t going to take any chances with Mirror. Before I left, a small thought occurred to me. “Flo, do you think it would be wise to ask Celestia to watch us deal with Mirror? If things go sour, she can step in.”

“It has positives and negatives. We don’t know if Mirror is able to use magic, so she could catch you by surprise if you aren’t wearing your ring. But if I am correct in diagnosing Mirror, then I will have to be very involved in her treatment, something that we don’t want Celestia to see. And if I happen to be successful, there is a good chance Celestia might be eager to obtain the services of this little changeling, should she find out about her. However, Mirror might be dangerous, which is the main worry we have. She might also be leading you into a trap, which seems unlikely.”

“So you’re saying that I shouldn’t contact Celestia.”

“I would not, no.”

I shrugged and grabbed my gun from its position next to my bed. “No reason not to bring this, then.” I grabbed two magazines and slid them into a leather carrying case I made and put onto my belt. The belt already had two knives on it, so I didn’t bother adding any other weapons; weight was still an issue, after all.

With my gear sorted, I started walking through the house to the front gate. We could fly out the back, but Taya was back there with her instructor and I didn’t want her seeing me flying out in a way that she could possibly stop me—or worse, demand to go with me.

I found Cadance downstairs and told her I was going into the forest. She grunted by way of reply, too busy doing something with her foal to do much else. Spike was standing under the gate outside. Thankfully, he apparently remembered that if we were flying, I couldn’t carry much weight, and thus only had his sword with him. I walked on over.

“Last chance to back out,” I said. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I really don’t want to risk this, personally.”

“I’m going,” he answered, nodding his head with a grim finality.

“A shame. Well, come on. She didn’t give us a time, so we might be waiting there for a while. And she might already be there. And hell, she might have even forgotten. Let’s go find out, shall we?”

He walked over to me and hopped up into my arms. “If this is too awkward for you, I really don’t mind the other way,” he said right before I took off.

“Doesn’t bother me. I’ve had worse things assumed of me than being gay. Hell, I wouldn’t even mind people assuming it that much; less people would flirt with me, at least.”

“I thought you enjoyed that.”

“I don’t mind it when it’s not little girls that are doing the flirting. I had Twist and a few other fillies doing things like that.”

“Oooh, I’m so sorry, dude. Twist scares me sometimes.”

“Yeah. As long as she doesn’t go Misery on me, I can deal with some minor flirting.”

“…Misery?”

“Something from my world, a book. A woman kidnaps her favorite author, breaks his legs so he can’t leave, and makes him write his book so that it has her preferred ending. I don’t want something like that happening to me.”

“Yeah, I can understand that. Nav, humans are pretty twisted.”

“Yep.” The conversation lapsed at that point, which was good because I needed to pay attention to flying.

Until… “So what if she does turn out to be dangerous?” he asked.

“Then I’ll take care of her. Don’t you worry about it.”

That shut him up until we landed next to the tree. I hadn’t seen Mirror from the air, so I was assuming she wasn’t there. When we landed, though, we heard someone muttering on the other side of the tree. I put my finger to my lips so Spike wouldn’t open his mouth and listened.

“Of course he’ll come… He said he would! Navarone wouldn’t lie. Would he…?” Her voice changed pitch and tone. “You saw how he looked at you. Disgust. Annoyance. Of course he won’t show up. Nothing would want anything to do with you.” And it changed again. “Don’t listen to that one. He’ll come. He’ll come and help us like he helped the others. He’ll be here.” Another one. “He’ll come and then he’ll cum. We’ll jump his bones and ride him forever. You know how he treated the queen!” Another. “No. He’ll come and kill you. He knows the queen. If he knows the queen, he probably told her about you. It’s better to leave now before it’s too late.” And it finally returned to the original voice and she said again, “He’ll be here…”

Spike and I slowly turned to look at each other. His eyes were wide as your mom’s ass. I probably looked similar.

“Well,” Flo whispered, “I was right. Now would be a good time to go talk to her, Nav.”

God help me. “Hello?” I called, walking around the tree. “You out here yet?”

I heard her jump when I said hello and when I continued she sprinted around the tree, beaming. “I knew you’d come!” And then she saw Spike and her smile dipped. “You brought a friend.”

“That’s not a problem, is it?”

“No! No, of course not…” She chuckled awkwardly. “A-are you ready to see my home?”

“Yep. We flying there or is it close enough to walk?”

“…We’ll fly. How is he going to get there?” she asked, looking at Spike.

“I’ll carry him. You just lead the way and we’ll follow.”

“Oh. Well, it’s not far.” I grabbed Spike and nodded at her. One of her eyes twitched and she took off without a word. I leapt to follow her. She led me right to the fenghuang’s hole in the tree and landed. I sighed and landed right next to her. “Well, here it is!”

I looked down at her, not even letting Spike go. She was looking at me, smiling. “Mirror, is this seriously your home?”

“Of course! I’ve been living here for ages. You want me to show you around?”

I set Spike down and shrugged. “Sure.”

She walked a few steps in and waved a hoof around her and said, “This is the living room. This is where I live. Tour’s over!” She sat right down on a pile of leaves or something before she jumped right back up, a shocked look on her face. “Oh, can I get you two anything? I have… leaves. And bugs…” I think Spike had a somewhat horrified look on his face, because when she looked at him she quickly looked away and sat back down. After a second of awkward silence, she said, “L-let me just show you two out.”

I walked over to stand in front of her before she could move. I knelt down and put a hand on one of her shoulders. “Mirror—or whatever your name is right now—can I talk to the one in charge?”

Her blue eyes went wide and she leaned back, trying to get away from me. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s just me in here! Yep, no other voices at all!”

“Mirror, you don’t need to lie. I’m here to help you. But I can only help you if you tell me the truth.”

She faintly whispered, “I can’t control them at all…”

Flo?

“Get Spike to watch the entrance. Make sure nothing comes in at all. And try to get him to not look at you, because you’re about to do something really weird.”

I shrugged my gun off and turned to Spike. “This thing is basically the same as the crossbow, but easier to use.” I pumped it and handed it to him. “Watch the door. It’s imperative that nothing get through. And whatever you do, don’t look back at us. Alright?”

“…Okay. Just be careful.”

“Good.” I turned back to Mirror, to find that she had backed up to the far wall and was glaring at me with hate in her eyes. I loudly popped my knuckles through my gauntlets as I walked up to her. “I’m not above holding you down.” She bared her fangs and launched her tiny, malnourished form at me. I let her tackle me dead on, face-planting into my armor. She slowly slid to the floor. Now what?

Flo sighed as I picked up a dazed Mirror. “This is where things get weird. Normally, it takes months of therapy to do this. However, I have a shortcut of sorts, due to my nature. I won’t be able to do it entirely alone, though; you’ll be helping me.”

That doesn’t answer my question. What do you want me to do now?

“Put her head next to yours, so I can build a bridge between you two. Be ready for anything, because there will only be so much I can do.”

I sat down on the floor and pulled Mirror’s body into a hug so that her head was next to mine. From the side, Spike wouldn’t be able to see that we were doing anything other than hugging. I felt something seep out of my ear and shivered at the feeling. That was all I had time to do before my consciousness was hijacked and I found myself in a blue void, standing on nothing.

“I’m trying to isolate the host,” the void whispered, the voice gently caressing my armored form. “Dream rules apply here, Nav, so get whatever you need to defend yourself.”

I shrugged and summoned a set of power armor and another bolter. “Ready to crush some bugs,” I said with a vicious grin.

“There… there have to be at least twenty of them,” the voice said, sounding somewhat disturbed. “Get ready. I’m bringing one of the more docile ones to bear.”

A very small changeling slowly appeared in the void in front of me. Her head darted around in fear before settling on me. I instantly removed my armor, losing about two feet in height. I covered myself in clothes that didn’t look as horrifying and knelt down toward the scared changeling.

“Hello,” I gently said, slowly reaching a hand toward it. The changeling eyed my hand with wide eyes until I cupped its chin and lifted its face up to look me in the eyes. “What is your name?”

“A-akin,” it answered. The voice sounded boyish and since changeling males and females looked the same to me, I was assuming it was a guy. “Where are the others?”

“Quarantined, for the moment,” I answered. “Tell me, who is the original? What is she—or he—like?”

“I don’t know… The others never let me out.”

“What can you tell me about them, then?”

His ears jerked down and he pulled away from my hand to look away. “Some of them are mean, hateful. Some of them seem to barely be there, little more than images, split seconds of emotion and nothing more. Mirror, Poly, Evo, and Eva are the strongest, and they come out the most. Mirror is lustful, doing anything she can to get a cheap thrill. Eva is eager to please, kind. Poly is the outgoing one, that tends to get all the work done.” He trailed off at that point.

“And Evo?” He squeezed his eyes shut, lying down and covering his face with his hooves. I gently reached under him and picked him up, sitting down and cradling him like a baby. “Tell me about him,” I said, holding him tight. “He can’t hurt you in here.”

“He’s a monster,” the tiny changeling whispered, eyes locked onto mine in fear. “Cruel and mean. He does whatever he can to make others suffer.”

“We can’t have that, now can we?” I looked up to the void. “Flo, now what?”

“Now we find one that we can deal with that knows who the original is. I counted twenty-two different personas. Whatever she went through, it was horrible.”

Akin jumped in fear when he first heard the voice, but he calmed down when he realized how kind it was. “Who is that?” he whispered to me.

“You aren’t the only one who has company in his head,” I said. “This is Flo. She’s going to help you. Flo, can you get Eva in here? She might be our best bet.”

“I can try. However, she can’t see Akin. I’ll need to send him back.”

That made him cling to me painfully tightly. “Don’t make me go back! Please! I’ll do anything, just don’t put me back in the dark!”

“Shh. Flo, can we just hide him?”

“If he can stay quiet, yes. They don’t need to know that we’re in contact with any of the others yet.”

I reached out and pulled an invisibility cloak from Harry Potter into being. “Akin, I’m going to put you down and place this cloak over you. When I do, don’t move and don’t make any sounds, no matter what you hear or see. Can you do that for me?”

“W-will I be safe?”

“As long as no one else finds you here, you’ll be safe. Are you ready?” He slowly nodded and I set him on the ground, tossing the cloak over him. He disappeared from view instantly. “Just stay quiet and don’t move,” I said as I stood. He didn’t reply and I walked away from him so I didn’t accidentally step on him. When I was a few meters away, I said, “Bring her in.”

Another changeling slowly appeared in front of me. This one was larger, but still looked basically the same. Her eyes lit up with happiness when she saw me. “Navi!” Before I could stop her, she plowed into me with a hug. I managed to brace myself well enough to not fall on my ass, thankfully, and wrapped my arms around her. “I knew you could do something to help me!”

“You aren’t fully helped yet,” I said, trying to dislodge her from my chest. “I need some answers.”

“I can help with that!” she merrily said, letting me pull her away and hold her an arm’s length away. She smiled up at me with those cute little fangs poking out of her mouth. “What do you want to know?”

“Who was the original?”

And there went the smile. “My brother, Evo. You don’t want to meet him, though. He’s mean, even if he has a good reason.”

“Your brother? So you were the second?”

“Yep! The hive needed more females and since he fed off anger anyway, daddy made him turn into me! He… didn’t like that. Mommy and daddy were less than pleased with his reaction. I was second, Mirror was third—after a failed attempt by daddy to make Evo behave—Poly was fourth, and then a bunch of other things happened that I don’t remember much about and now there are tons of us! It’s never lonely, but some of them are real jerks! And when some of them take over… things get ugly.”

I set her down and took a few steps back. “Flo, what now?”

“I… I wasn’t expecting the violent one to be the original. Eva, I’m going to send you back. Nav and I need to talk.”

“Ooh, you sound nice. Who are you?”

“My name is Flo. I keep Navarone company. Now, you’re going back.” Before Eva could say anything more, she disappeared. “Nav, we have a small dilemma. By all rights, this is Evo’s body. However, he doesn’t seem like someone that we should release and give main control.”

“Yeah, he sounds like a fucking dick. And according to Chrysalis, all changelings that feed on anger eventually get fucked anyway. I say we deep six that asshole and let Eva take over.”

“Should that be our decision to make? It is not our body. Shouldn’t we let her personalities decide?”

“Hell no. Bitch is crazy. We can’t trust her to make rational decisions. And honestly, what do you expect they’ll say? No one wants to die.”

She was silent for a little while, considering. I don’t know what Akin was making of what we were saying, but he was still silent. Eventually, Flo said, “We’ll need to get the major personalities together. No more than four can coexist peacefully. I’m going to bring in Eva and Poly. They’ll have to decide who else gets to continue existing. All others will be integrated into them.”

“Well, bring ‘em on.” Flo went silent and a moment later, two changelings appeared.

They looked at each other in complete shock. “E-eva?” one said in confusion.

“Poly!” Eva sounded much happier, and hugged her counterpart. “I always wanted to meet you in person!”

“How is this possible?” Poly asked, not participating in the hug.

“Because of Navi!” Eva pulled away and pointed to me. “He’s helping us using the voice in his head.”

“Yep,” I answered. “And we’ve decided that you two are going to be in charge in your body. From here, there are a few options. You can share the body with up to two others or you can all combine into one.”

“How?” Poly asked. “We can’t share with them. Someone like Evo or Rage always takes over the moment we try to let someone weaker like Akin take over.”

Flo whispered, “If we start integrating the weaker personalities into some of the stronger ones, they’ll become even stronger until there are only a few left. Or, as Navarone mentioned, one of you could take full control over the body and integrate all of the others. You’d be well-balanced and more in control, but you would be alone in your mind. Either way, you need to choose.”

Eva opened her mouth to spout out some nonsense, but Poly spoke up instead. “Ganger and Mimeo. They don’t get out as much, but they’ll probably be the most useful.”

“But what about Evo?” Eva asked. “It’s his body. Why shouldn’t he get to keep it?”

“He’s a dick,” I answered with a shrug. “Do you really want him in control?”

“He’s only mean because of what was done to him!” Eva quickly shot back.

“You said he ate anger. I was told that those that eat anger don’t last long. How long do you think it would take for him to break down again? Why go through all this work if he’ll be back like this in another month?”

“I… It just doesn’t seem right!”

Poly put a hoof on Eva’s back. “Eva, this is for the best. Don’t try to pretend otherwise. You know he would never willingly help us here. He doesn’t want to change; he just wants to hurt others.”

“We can’t just kill him!”

“It’s not killing,” I said, walking over and putting a hand on her back, joining Poly’s hoof. “It’s integrating. His personality will mix with someone else’s, if I understand Flo correctly.”

“You do,” Flo whispered. “None of you will be killed. You’ll just combine with someone else. Nothing will be lost.”

Eva sighed, looking down. “Then we’ll share… Mimeo and Ganger it is, though I don’t recognize either offhand.”

Poly nodded, looking at me. “Mimeo is cold and relatively empty, used for point-blank analyzing. He’ll be good at getting anything done. Ganger is extremely charismatic and can talk us out of anything. Ganger will be easy to convince to help. Mimeo will see the advantage in it and he’ll be willing to help us.”

“Flo, bring them on in.”

“I can… try. Something in their mind is moving, aware that things are happening. Navarone, be ready to fight.”

I summoned my power armor again and slammed my fists together, grinning at the small shockwave that they sent out. “Let’s do this,” I said through my helmet speakers, summoning a hand bolter and a power sword.

“That’s really neat.” Poly said, flying up to and then around me, looking at my armor. “How’d you do that?”

“Magic.”

She landed on my pauldrons and draped across my shoulders. “Pretty comfy. Could use some more cushions, though. Eva, come on up!”

“I dunno… He doesn’t look very happy.”

I snorted. “This is a helmet. You can’t even see my face. And honestly, you changelings are so light that I don’t even feel her on my back. I could probably hold, like, fifty of you before I even felt it.”

“If you don’t mind…” Her wings twitched out and she flew up to the other one.

“This would be so much better without the armor. You know, a threesome might be in order before you guys get stuck in one body.”

Flo materialized a tendril of water long enough to smack me on the back of the head. “Quit it, Nav. Now, I found the other two, I think. Bringing them in now.”

“What’s a threesome?” Eva asked as the other two appeared.

“I’ll tell you later,” Poly answered. “Mimeo, Ganger, we have a proposition for you.”

One of the changelings before me had pupils. The other had the same ice-blue eyes that most changelings had. That was the one that answered, “Speak.”

The other said, “What’s going on? Is that you, Poly?”

“Yes, I’m Poly,” she said. “Nav here,” accompanied by the sound of a hard hoof hitting armor, “is helping us. He said four of us can survive, while all the others will be integrated in with us. I decided that you two should be two of those to stay. What do you think?”

“What do we get out of it?” the blue-eyed one asked.

Flo answered, “Equal ownership of the body. Cooperation will be required, meaning each of you will have to agree to work together. You can either share your time or share your tasks; it’s up to you.”

“Acceptable.”

The green-eyed one nodded. “I agree with Mimeo. I imagine that between the four of us, we can do pretty well. What about the others?”

“Total integration,” Flo answered. “Starting with Akin.” The invisibility cloak around the hiding one vanished, revealing a sleeping child changeling, curled in a ball.

Poly sighed when she saw him. “When dad did that last punishment, he created Akin and Mirror both. I feel so sorry for them, locked in that moment forever…”

“He’s been here that long?” Eva asked. “I never really noticed him!”

“That’s the point,” Poly answered. “Scared little colts don’t want to be seen. They want to be ignored, even if they don’t know it. So he hid from daddy and from all of us. Only Mirror ever tries to spend any time with him, but he’s terrified of her because of what she represents.”

…His dad raped him, didn’t he? I asked Flo.

“It would seem that way,” Flo whispered directly into my mind.

“Do what you have to do,” I said aloud. God fucking damn, I hate people.

“Poly, you’ll get Akin,” Flo said. “Navarone, I am going to need your help to do the next part. You need to go into their mind to drag personalities here. As long as you are in your armor, you should be safe. Just whatever you do, don’t hurt any of them. I have no idea what would happen if you did.”

“…I’m changing, then. I would probably crush them if I so much as touched them with this armor.” Ganger took a quick step backwards and Poly and Eva decided to fly off me. When they were clear, I changed back to my knight armor. “Well, send me on into the valley of the shadow of death. I don’t fear their brand of evil anymore. How do I get out?”

“I’ll be watching and listening. I just need to talk to them to walk them through the integration process. Hopefully this won’t take too long. Brace yourself.”

I reached up and popped my neck as I felt myself shifting from blue into black. I looked around and heard growling, but couldn’t see anything in the darkness. “And I said, let there be light!” I slammed my hands together and an orb of blindingly bright light shot out, illuminating the land around me. I saw that instead of a void, I was in a cave of some kind. As soon as the light appeared, several things hissed and I heard scratching and scraping and things skittered into the dark.

However, not all of them fled. Some changelings didn’t move at all, aside from flinching at the sudden brightness. And one immediately latched onto my leg. “Hi Navi!” she said.

“Mirror?” I asked.

“Yep! You here to have some fun?” One of her hooves went to my crotch. “Ooh, already hard for me!”

“Metal armor tends to be that way, yes.” I looked upward. “Flo, what am I looking for?”

“Find some of the weaker ones. Mirror can probably help.”

“Weaker, eh?” Mirror said with a grin. “If you have that kind of fetish, I can help you out.” She shrank in size and let go of me, sticking her backside up at me. “Please don’t hurt me, daddy! I’ll be good, I promise!”

That’s… disgusting. Holy shit. “…Maybe later.” I did still need her help, sadly. “I need to find some of the weaker personalities for reasons that aren’t sexual in nature. Can you help?”

She waved a hoof around her. “Everyone that didn’t move. They’re all minor personalities.” I saw that there were about twelve that didn’t go anywhere. They were all in varying poses.

I grabbed one that seemed to be begging. “Flo?” A hole appeared that led to some blue place and I tossed him in.

“I can hold two more. Get an angry one and a happy one.” I grabbed one that seemed to be snarling and one with a big grin and tossed them both through. “Now, try to get some of the stronger ones that fled. Tie them up or otherwise incapacitate them and leave them near here. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for more.” The hole slid shut.

“Mirror, cover your eyes. Things are about to get very bright in here.”

She grinned, using holey hooves to cover her eyes. “I hope you’ll surprise me!”

I grit my teeth and stretched my arms and wings out, summoning enough light to fill the entire cave. Now, the motions weren’t really necessary, but they helped me concentrate for some reason. Doing things with your body, I’ve found, is a good way to focus your mind. It worked, too; the entire cave was flooded with light, revealing several offshoots and tunnels that branched off in all directions.

“God fucking dammit,” I sighed, looking around. With a shrug, I pulled out a gun that shoots nets, because fuck logic. “Mirror, stay here. Do whatever you do when you aren’t having sex.”

“Masturbate. Got it. I’ll be warming myself up for you!”

I didn’t dignify that with a response. It’s changeling hunting time. I knew that I had four I needed to find. There were twelve weaker ones around the center. Mirror was also back there. Then there were the five we already had. I’m coming for you bastards, I thought as I picked a random tunnel and started walking.

Two hours later, I had three of them struggling in the center, trying to get out of their nets. I was starting to get really bored of wandering through tunnels looking for Evo. “Look, if you just show yourself, I’ll talk to the others and see if you can get partial control.” Hell no, I wouldn’t.

“You’re lying,” a voice hissed from all around me. “I can sense you, Navarone. Human. Slave. Slut. Liar. You don’t care about me. You don’t care about anything. You just want to feel good. A little addict looking for the next fix. You should take Mirror and get out.”

“You’re starting to get on my nerves.”

“No I’m not. You don’t care about a thing. You’d sell your own daughter out in an instant if you thought you could make it so that you never appeared in this world. And of course, you don’t even care that I’m saying this. You’re just here to feed another of your addictions.”

I dropped the net gun and started walking back to the center. “Hide all you want. Flo will find you when it’s your time.”

“Oh, she’ll find me… But it will be too late for you.”

I rolled my eyes and kicked the air behind me, catching the lunging changeling in the face. He shot backwards with the sound of a roach under a boot. I walked to where he was struggling to get up and grabbed him by the neck, lifting him up. “If you try to attack me again, I’ll give you a treatment that’ll make what your dad gave you feel like a tickle. So unless you want your colon ruptured seven ways to Sunday, I suggest you play nice.”

“Lia—” I slapped him across the face with my other hand, breaking one of his fangs. “Attacking someone weak and helpless? What a man you are.” I punched him in the gut, smiling as his eyes filled with tears.

“Yeah, I know I’m a bully. And I know that you’re a weak little coward, someone I feel no remorse hurting. And I also know you’re trying to get me to kill you. But don’t worry; that won’t happen. You’d be surprised what you can live through, after all.” I gripped his tail with my other hand and dropped his throat, letting him slam into the ground. I whistled a jaunty tune as I began dragging him to the center.

When I finally got there, I tossed him into the pile of the others that were still struggling. As an afterthought, I summoned some rope and tied him up using his leg holes and put a muzzle on him.

Mirror licked her lips, looking at how he was tied up. “I do like me some bondage,” she said, giggling. “Can I…?”

“Nah. No one deserves that.” I’m really glad that none of them are smart enough to change their shape to escape that shit.

The next hour was spent periodically throwing changelings into a portal. Finally, it was just me, Mirror, and Evo.

“So what’s all this for?” Mirror asked as I finally tossed an extremely unhappy Evo through.

“Integration and shit,” I answered. “We’re fixing this body so that only four entities remain, basically.”

“…Will I be one of the four?”

“Nope.”

Her eyes opened wide. “B-but… Why not?!”

“Hey, I didn’t decide this. That was Eva and Poly. I’m just acting as muscle here.”

“Can I dispute it?”

“Doubt it. Maybe a few hours ago, sure. But now, I don’t think so.”

She looked down for a second, confused and probably scared. Then she looked back up to me and I could tell that she was fighting back tears. “C-can you d-do a last request?”

Oh boy. “…Yeah. It’s only fair.”

“Will you… hold me? No one’s ever done that for me before…”

I stripped my armor as I knelt down, holding my arms out. She uncertainly wrapped her legs around me, and sighed as I enfolded her in my arms. I began gently rocking with her.

“Feels… warm,” she whispered. “I like it.”

It took another thirty minutes before Flo said, “It’s her turn now, Nav. Send her through, but you need to wait there.”

I gently pulled Mirror away. “It’s time.” She barely seemed to notice, and just had a sad little smile as I pushed her through the portal. When she was through, Poly and Mimeo walked through, joining me on this side.

They both looked around as I stood and clothed myself. “Looks much nicer with some light,” Poly commented. “Feels pretty empty, though.”

“You can decorate it however you want,” I said with a shrug, pulling a vase of black roses and a table into being. I set them both to the side. “All it takes is the will to do something. You could probably change the entire cave setting, too. Just remember that you’re all in it together, now. Make sure the others are okay with any changes you make.”

“I think some sun would be good,” Poly commented. “I never realized it was so big in this place. I explored as much as I could, but there were places that didn’t seem safe to go.”

“As far as I can tell, it’s all safe now. So have you guys decided what you’re going to do when you get yourselves together?”

“Survive,” Mimeo answered. “Thriving is not possible in the forest. Little food. Survival is all that can be done.”

Poly shrugged. “We might explore. There’s plenty of the world to see. Maybe we’ll find some place with no changelings that’ll recognize our hormones. And if not, at least we’ll have seen the world.”

I crossed my arms, leaning back a little and thinking. “I got a proposition for you. You know I live in Equestria’s borders, right on the edge of the forest. I have a changeling in my service already and I can convince her to keep quiet about you. I’ll be leaving soon and you can come with me. If you find a place in the world you’d rather be, you’re welcome to leave at any time. I’ll keep you safe from Chrysalis if I have to beat her myself.”

“Define leaving,” Mimeo said.

“As in, leaving Equestria and going around the world. It’ll probably be a lot safer than going yourself, what with having a large number of people going. Of course, you’ll be in my home first on a tentative basis. If you prove yourself capable and sane even with four people in your head, you’ll be free to stay. You fuck up too badly and you’re out. Talk to the others about it and get an answer back to me.”

“…You would do that? Even after all you’ve done for us?” Poly slowly asked.

I shrugged. “Don’t see why I wouldn’t. Changelings are awfully useful. And I’d say that you’re pretty down on your luck and wouldn’t mind a little bit of help. If you don’t want to work for me, you’re welcome to try your luck with Celestia or Luna—though I suggest against both of them. Maybe Cadance. Just talk it over with the others. Know that you have plenty of options. And God, this is taking fucking forever. Flo, if I eat in here, will I still be hungry?”

“Yes. I’m sending the others through and pulling you back, though. Just give me a moment.”

I nodded at the two entities before me. “Until we meet in person, then.”

Mimeo nodded and Poly waved as I faded out of their mind and into Flo’s void. I looked around to find that I was alone. Flo sighed deeply and whispered, “It’s hard, killing others… They weren’t technically people, but they still had feelings and were individuals. And we… destroyed them, in a way. Erased their ability to think. Shackled them as mindless slaves to others. And we call this the ‘best’ option…”

“It is, Flo. Never for a second should you think that killing isn’t sometimes the best or only option. It’s not always that way, though.”

“I know, Navarone. I just don’t like it at all. You are acclimated to it, sadly. But I am not. Water elementals have a reverence for life, after all.”

“I know. If you ever want to talk about it, you know I’ll listen. I’ve done my share of rationalizing in the past.”

“And all it did was make you cold, dead inside. Are you ready to return to the world of the living?”

“Yep. I imagine Spike is awfully bored out there.”

“Then be free.” I suddenly woke out of my Flo-induced coma and took a deep breath, getting a nose full of unbathed changeling. I immediately started coughing as I pushed her away from me. I heard clawed feet striking the ground and Spike put a hand on my shoulder.

“You alright, Nav?” he asked, concern in his voice. “She didn’t do anything, did she?”

“Other than smell like Satan’s gym clothes, no. Fuck, but she needs a bath! How long were we out?”

“It’s been hours. I got really bored, just sitting around. But how did you just now notice her smell? I could tell when I got in here and you were holding her for hours!”

“My mind was elsewhere. Did anything try to attack us?”

“…Yes. You didn’t hear me kill it?”

“Nope. What was it?”

“Cockatrice. This thing shoots real nice, too. Can you make me one?”

“Nope.” I pulled it out of his hands and popped the clip. Eight rounds left, with one in the chamber. “One shot, one kill. I like it. Those things aren’t worth eating and the round would go clear through it, so we won’t bother recovering it. How’s Eva?”

“…Who?”

I nodded at the changeling, who was now sitting up and rubbing at her head. “How you feeling?” I asked her.

She jerked her head to mine when she heard my voice. A massive smile grew on her face and before I knew what was happening I got pile-drived in a hug. “Thank you thank you thank you! I knew you could help, Navi!”

I patted her on the back before prying her off of me and setting her down, standing up, and walking away several steps. “It’s good that you’re better, but you smell like you were rolling around in no man’s land. If you decide to take my offer, before anything else, you are going to spend at least half an hour in a bath, scrubbing until I don’t gag as soon as you get near.”

“What offer?” Spike asked.

“I’m working for him now!” she shouted, still beaming. “We all agreed that it would be best to stay with you for at least the time being, until we can either learn some useful skills or find somewhere else to stay.”

Spike grabbed my arm and pulled me down to whisper, “I thought you said she was dangerous!”

“She’s better now,” I whispered back. I pulled away from him and nodded at Eva. “Then get whatever you want to save from this place and let’s go. I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do…”

“And Taya won’t be happy,” Flo whispered. “Remember what you told her.”

…Fuck. “Eva, make sure not to tell anyone about you-know-what,” I said, tapping my head. I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t tell fucking anyone about Flo.

“Don’t you worry, Navi! I won’t tell anyone your secret.”

“Awesome. Now can you stop calling me that?”

“Nope! Ready to go when you are!”

I sighed, shouldering my rifle and turning to Spike. “Come on up. Sooner we leave, the sooner I can get out of this armor and get yelled at by Taya.”

“Yelled at for what?” Spike asked as he jumped into my arms.

“I told her I wasn’t coming out here.” I carried him over to the edge of the hole and jumped out, soaring out and away. Eva easily followed, flying along next to me in her regular body. I lazily flew toward home, not really looking forward to the conversations that were about to happen.

I was tempted to land at Fluttershy’s pad and make Eva take a bath while I went and tried to explain things, but I quickly decided I didn’t want to risk leaving her alone with Fluttershy. So instead I flew directly to my house, looking around for a second before landing. I set Spike down and said, “Eva, Spike, wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Spike sighed and eyed Eva warily, backing away several steps when he thought she wasn’t looking. She was just looking around the yard in fascination, taking in the flowers and whatever else she could see. I started walking around the back. Taya was doing something weird with her instructor and the naga was watching them both warily. I walked over to him.

“I do not think I care for magic, Cain,” he said, still eyeing them both. “It has destructive potentials that are not at all fair in a fight.”

“I know. It’s great when it’s on your side. Why do you think I let Taya learn all this shit? Now, I have a task for you. In the front yard is a changeling. She might be dangerous. She will be staying with us for a little while. If we determine that she’s dangerous or unsound, she’ll get the boot. If she’s fine, she’ll be staying for longer. But until we decide, I want her watched. Can you keep an eye on her for me?”

“Very well. She is in the front, you said?”

“Yeah. Tell her that her first task is immediately taking a bath. Take her to one of the unused guest rooms and stand guard while she does her business. I don’t care if you have to physically drag her to a bath; she is going to wash before she talks to anyone else that lives here.”

“That sounds easy enough. I know from Doppel’s advances on me that they are light and easily carried. Why is it so important that she bathe?”

“You’ll see. I’ll go inside and explain the situation to Cadance and Doppel, if they’re here. Good luck with her.”

“She will behave.” On that ominous note, he began slithering away. I took a second to look at Taya and her instructor, who seemed to be holding a blindingly bright flash of light connecting their horns. Then I shrugged and walked to the back door, letting myself into the kitchen. Doppel was sitting at the table, reading some manner of mail or something. She didn’t even look up when I stepped inside.

“Doppel, I have news,” I commented, walking over to the table. She didn’t look up, just grunted. “News that needs to be listened to.” She sighed and put the note down. “I found a changeling in the woods that will be living here for some time. She ran away from one of the hives after going crazy from feeding on anger. I sorted her issues out and I don’t want Chrysalis showing up to kill her.”

“Navarone, that’s stupid and impossible for a few reasons. First, no one runs from the hives. Second, no changeling that feeds on anger lives long. Third, you can’t ‘sort out’ insanity. If anything, she’s a feral changeling sent here to spy on you by one of the hives that the queen doesn’t control. I suggest slitting her throat and dropping her in the woods, but I suppose we could turn her against her hive and use her as a double agent. I hope you didn’t tell her that I was here, though; I won’t be able to get her hormonal scent if she knows there’s a changeling here.”

“She knows. I’ll let you meet her before you decide anything. If it makes you feel any better, the naga is watching her and I can put my ring on so she can’t do anything. She should be coming in the front door by now.”

As if on cue, I heard the door open. Doppel sighed and hopped down from her seat, trotting over to the hall connecting the kitchen to the entrance. I pulled my ring out from around my neck as I walked that way. Soon enough, it was on my finger, the gauntlet going on the hook on my belt. I had seen no indication that Eva could use magic, but then, I didn’t have any proof that she couldn’t.

“Hi! My name’s Eva!” I got to within sight of them to see Eva holding up a hoof to shake with Doppel, who looked confused and somewhat afraid. As soon as Eva stopped, the naga grabbed her tail and began dragging her to the stairs. “It was nice meeting you! I’ll see you later.” That was all she had time for before they turned another corner and we couldn’t see them.

“Really nice girl. Still a little muddled. And fuck does she stink,” I commented idly as Spike entered and closed the door behind himself. “Well, what do you think?” I asked Doppel.

“She isn’t right in the head! Her hormones are overlapping, sending confused signals… She can’t be safe, Nav.”

“We’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. I’ll set Freki to watch her in the night and the naga can watch her during the day. Now, I don’t want Chrysalis to know about her. She’d have the same reaction you would, plus a lot more violence. As long as Eva proves to be safe, Chrysalis will hopefully never learn of her. If she ever proves otherwise… I don’t know. I’ll decide what to do then. Alright?”

Doppel muttered something that sounded like, “Too old for this shit,” before grabbing Spike and pulling him toward the stairs. She stopped when they were a few steps away and looked back at me. “Hey, you want to join, too?”

“…Nah. I need to talk to Cadance and then Taya. Have fun.”

She shrugged and continued dragging Spike away. Of course, he wasn’t resisting all that much. I wouldn’t either, if I was in his scales. Now, if I was a pretty pink princess, where would I be?

“You should be careful with who you call pretty, even in your mind,” Flo whispered.

You know what I meant. My first guess was with her brat. I waited a few seconds until I could hear Doppel’s door slam shut before following them up and poking my head in Cadance’s room. She sure wasn’t in there. Neither was her kid. “Huh.” I took the time to go on upstairs to my room and change out of my armor, making me feel much cooler and lighter.

That done, I went downstairs and called, “Cadance? You in here?” No answer. Maybe she finally went home. Could have at least told me.

I had one last place to check before I’d give up and talk to Taya first. I went into the cellar, to the naga’s room. Sure enough, I heard something splashing around down there. When I turned the corner, I saw Cadance lying on her back in the water, wings outstretched to either side. Her spawn was on her chest, peeking over and splashing at the water, giggling. Skyla’s smile immediately dropped when she saw me.

“We got a new tenant,” I said, stopping at the entrance to the little cave.

Cadance rolled her eyes. “Another girl you’re sleeping with, I assume?”

“Only half of those are true.”

“Oh, so you finally decided to try a stallion?”

“First, that wouldn’t be my first stallion. Second, fuck you. Anyway, this girl’s a little addled in the head. In the potentially dangerous way. Freki will be watching her at night and the naga will be watching her during the day to determine if she’s dangerous. I want you to help keep an eye on her.”

“Well, what’s her name?”

“Alright, this is where things get weird. For one, it’s another changeling. The weird part is that she has multiple personality disorder. I sorted it out for her and now there are four entities coexisting in her body. The host’s name is Eva. Poly, Mimeo, and Ganger share her body.”

“Navarone, that doesn’t make any sense. First, what is multiple personality disorder?”

“The name says it all. It’s a mental problem where there are several other people living in your head. Some of them are more ‘complete’ than others.”

“And you just… sorted it out?”

“Humans are considerably more advanced in mental health techniques than ponies are. This ‘disorder’ is just a blessing in disguise, if you choose to look at it that way. I could have completely put her back together, but if you can have four specialized personalities in your head, wouldn’t you want them around?”

“…No? I think I’m just fine having my head to myself.”

“Well, that’s your prerogative.”

“You don’t have anything like that, do you?”

“No.” Not of my own making, at least. “Anyway, I offered Eva a place to stay for a little while. I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine, but I’m just warning you in case anything does happen.”

“Well, thank you for the warning, even if inviting her here was stupid without knowing if she’s safe yet. Does everyone else know?”

“Everyone but Gilda, Freki, and Taya.” As I said that, Freki rubbed against my leg, making me jump. “Where did you come from?”

“He was in here, Nav.”

God, that’s creepy. “Then everyone but Gilda and Taya knows. Taya was busy with her lessons when I got back and I didn’t see Gilda.”

“Well, you should tell Taya as soon as possible. If this Eva character is dangerous, I don’t want Taya possibly getting her confused with Doppel.” She snorted. “Especially if one of them is named Ganger. That will be an interesting pair.”

“Huh. I didn’t even think about that. Anyway, I should probably go wait for Taya to take a break so I can tell her. Freki, you coming with me?” He happily wagged his tail. I took that as a yes and said, “See you later, Cadance. Try not to drown.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” she sighed as the puppy and I left.

Up the stairs we went. I pulled the door shut behind the puppy and then we went on outside. Taya and her instructor had moved on to something else, so I sat down to wait. The puppy ran off to the back wall, where a few trees were hanging over the edge. Need to chop those down. Or burn them back. Might as well test the napalm mix I made.

I was zoned out when I felt a stick poking me. When I looked up, I saw Freki holding a long stick in his mouth, tail wagging. He dropped it when he noticed me looking. “Really?” He just kept staring. I shrugged, grabbed the stick, and threw it. He sprinted after it as I stood. “Never thought I’d play fetch with a dog made of wood. Equestria’s a strange place.”

“While we are doing nothing anyway, I’ve been thinking,” Flo said. Oh boy. “It is possible for me take over your body in some ways. Doing so without your willing permission is difficult and I couldn’t do it for long, and honestly I rarely have any desire to. But… can I ever take over sometimes? Not to do much, nothing important. I just want to be free. I want to feel things again, things I can’t feel in my body.”

“You know I hate the idea of being helpless in my own body.”

“You wouldn’t be helpless. The instant you demanded control back, I would give it. If you don’t want to do it, I understand.”

“…Alright. Go for it. Take control now, if you want. I’m not doing anything important.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, go for it. Just be ready to give control back when Taya has a break.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to her? She might be very upset when you tell her what you did.”

“I won’t use a scapegoat. It was my action and they were my words. I will take the fall and the hate for that. So by all means, take over now. But I’ll take back over when it’s time to talk to Taya.”

“Very well. Close your eyes and relax.” I did so, taking a nice deep breath. “Now open them.” When I did, I found that I was in the glade, looking into a screen that showed what she was seeing through my eyes. She lifted her hands up to look at them, turning them over and flexing her fingers. “It’s been so long… I can only stay in charge for so long at a time. I will try to make it worth it.”

“By all means.” I sat down in a nice armchair and leaned back. Flo played fetch with the dog with every sign of enjoyment. Hell, if she wants to enjoy all the boring things like walking and playing fetch and being normal, I won’t stop her.

I saw my eyes roll. “Don’t expect to pawn everything off on me, Navarone. Or at least, not everything that’s boring. And I would like to try sex eventually…”

“Well, we can use the stones and get Doppel to eat you out. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it.”

“I imagine. I’ll think about it later. You know, I can’t understand why you don’t enjoy things like this. Look how happy he is!”

He certainly did look rather pleased with the world. “It’s just not very fun to stand there and toss a stick around. I’d rather find something we can both enjoy, like killing.”

“I’m not going to bore you with the whole spiel about how sacrifice is a part of every relationship.” She knelt down and grabbed the dog on the sides of his head, rubbing back and forth. “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” He happily barked before pulling off and flopping on the ground and then onto his back. Flo chuckled and patted his belly.

“Daddy?” Taya asked.

Flo flinched, looking up. She said, “Hello, dear.”

“Whoa now, this is my time!” I said. Flo blinked and I was thrust back into my body.

“I was just saying hello,” Flo muttered.

“Why’d you go into the forest?” Taya asked.

“Remember the crazy person I mentioned finding?”

Her curious look immediately disappeared into a cold fury. “Why yes. I do remember that. And I also remember you saying you weren’t considering going to see her.”

“Yeah… About that… I did.” Her expression said more than enough. I held my arms out for a hug, smiling. She turned away without a word. “Oh come on, I didn’t even tell you the best part!”

“She’s staying here, isn’t she?”

“Wow, you’re good.” She whirled back around, eyes narrowing and horn lighting up. I snatched her into a hug before she could do or say anything. “Taya, trust me. I wouldn’t have brought her here if I thought she was dangerous.” I brushed at her hair, thankful that I took the time to remove my armor. “It’ll be okay. Just avoid her if you don’t trust her.”

“It’s not her I don’t trust! You told me you weren’t going in there for her.”

“I said that I wasn’t thinking about it. However, between Spike and Flo, I was convinced that Eva could be helped. I’m sorry, Taya. But to be fair, they were right: We were able to help her.”

She lifted her hooves up and pushed me off with way too much force. I fell back and saw that her hooves were lit up orange. She shook her head and said, “You said you would get better. You said you were going to try to be a better father. And yet the first thing you did was lie to me. Lie to me and then do something dangerous! How can you say you’re getting better if you’re just returning to your old habits?!”

“…You’re right.” My wings sagged when I realized what I had done. “I… It was instinctual, that lie. When you asked me, I was already thinking about going to help her. I just… I thought you would be mad if I told you I was going.”

“I would have been. But I’m even angrier now. This is why lying isn’t worth it, daddy!”

If you never learned about it, you wouldn’t be angry. “I know.”

“Then don’t do it anymore!”

“I can’t. I can’t make that promise or take that risk. All I can say is that I’ll try to get better. And now that you know about Flo, know that she’ll be keeping tabs on me to make sure I try.”

“You said that last time,” Taya coldly answered.

“If you don’t believe me now, there’s nothing I can do to convince you. Just… I’ll try.”

“We’ll see.” She turned around and stalked back to her instructor.

I sighed and whispered, “That could have gone better.” Freki whined and I patted him on the head. “She’ll be alright. No promises about me, though.”

“It certainly could have gone better, yes,” Flo commented as I stood off the ground. “Eva should be out of the bath by now. You can introduce her to Cadance.”

“Yeah… Come on, Freki. Let’s introduce you to your new friend.” He hurried to follow me as I walked to the house. When I opened the back door, I found Eva and Cadance sitting at the table, while the naga was next to the table, his arms crossed over his massive chest. Eva looked somewhat wet. “I see you met Cadance.”

“Yep! She’s really pretty, too.”

“That’s a word you could use. You two getting along?”

Cadance nodded. “She seems—”

Eva suddenly screeched and changed into a hummingbird, flying straight at me. She somehow got into my shirt and cuddled against me. In the time she took to do that, Cadance jumped up, kicking her chair back, the naga drew his massive sword, I had two knives in each hand, and the wolf was in some manner of fighting position.

And realizing that last one made me realize what the problem was. I dropped my two knives and brought a hand to my chest, cupping Eva’s shaking form. “That’s not a normal timberwolf, Eva,” I whispered. “He won’t attack you without a good reason.” She made some chirping noises that I couldn’t interpret. “I don’t speak bird, so I’m going to assume you just called me a sexy beast. While I appreciate the compliment, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to not call me that.”

She morphed back into her normal body, but still very small. “H-he’s not dangerous?”

“He’s a fucking wolf made of wood. Of course he’s dangerous. But he won’t attack you unless he has a reason to. Don’t give him a reason to, and he’s the sweetest little puppy you’ve ever seen.”

“…I’ve never seen a puppy.”

I held my other hand out. “Freki, come here.” Since he was right next to me, he didn’t have far to go. He put his head under my hand. “See there? Cute little puppy. Now please get out of my shirt; you didn’t towel off enough and I can feel the water seeping down my chest.”

“…You’re warm.”

I reached in there and plucked her out of my shirt, setting her on Freki’s head. “There. Now please don’t make that god awful screeching sound again. Especially not in a room full of veterans.”

“Okay, Navi. Sorry for scaring you all…”

“It’s okay. I suppose, given your history, that I should have warned you. Thankfully you didn’t channel your inner Mirror.”

Eva shivered at that. “No thank you.” She flew off Freki and expanded in size again, back to normal. I grabbed my knives and stood back up to see that the naga had sheathed his sword and Cadance was back in her seat.

“Well, I need to go into town,” I said. “Can I trust you two to help her get acclimated?”

“Poly wants to know if we can go,” Eva said.

“Well, the changeling spy in Ponyville is on my side… You could, though you’d probably be bored. And of course, you’d have to promise to behave.”

“I can do that! I won’t let you down, Navi.”

“…Navi?” Cadance asked with a sly grin at me.

I shook my finger at her once. “No. Bad Cadance. Now let’s go, Eva. You too, Freki. Sooner we get this wedding shit over with, the better.”

“Ooh, are you getting married?” Eva asked as we started to the front door.

“Nope.”

“Who is?”

“Two friends of mine.”

“What are their names?”

I sighed to myself. This is going to be a long walk.

One long walk to town, a long day of wedding bullshit, and a long walk back later, I was rather tired. Not of Eva, no; she behaved surprisingly well. I was just tired. It had been a long day, after all.

When we were almost back, I said, “Alright, Eva, here’s how it’s gonna work. No offense, but Freki is going to watch over you during the night. Stay in your room until I come to let you out. Freki will ensure you do this. Understand?”

“Yep! Can I have a teddy bear?”

“I don’t think we have any.”

“Then can I sleep with you until I can get one?”

“No. We can get you one tomorrow. Tonight, you’ll just have to make do. Your dreams will probably be very different now that your mind is unified, if that makes you feel better.”

“…It doesn’t. Also, I’m kinda… hungry. Mirror used to be our main source of food, but now…”

How did we forget about that? “My mind is different from that of ponies and most other races here. You can feed off my memories rather than having the actual emotion present. What’s your emotion of choice?”

“Love. That’s what all four of us like.”

I knelt down next to her and thought of something. “Go ahead. Take your fill.”

“Are… are you sure? It won’t drain you or anything?”

“It will, but not noticeably. Love isn’t an emotion that I let influence my mind often, so removing some of it doesn’t do much to me.”

“Cool.” Her horn lit up with its common sickly green color and she began to feed. A few seconds later, she sighed in satisfaction. “It’s been soooo long…”

“I can imagine. Now let’s go.” I stood back up and kept walking. “I don’t really know what you’ll be doing around the house, come tomorrow. What are you good at?”

“Uh… I’m not really good at much of anything. Poly says Ganger can talk real good and Mimeo can do whatever you need done. But Mimeo’s in charge tomorrow, apparently…”

“Eh. I can probably write out a list of things no one else does or likes doing and give that to you eventually.”

“I can’t read.”

“…What?”

She shrugged. “Most changelings can’t. Light is a luxury that no one can afford.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard this before. Alright, first order of business is teaching you to read and write. I can probably get Cadance to do that, since all she does is sit around the house anyway.”

“I… I get to learn how to read?”

“Yeah. You’ll probably also get to learn basic math, if you want. Is that a problem?”

She tackled me in a hug that thankfully didn’t really stop me from moving; changelings are very light, after all. “I always wanted an education! So did Ganger and Poly!”

“That’s nice. Please let me go now.” She was too busy talking about something stupid to hear me, so she just hitched a ride on the way home.

Eventually, though, she said, “So why can’t you teach me?”

“If I have learned anything from Gilda’s time here, it’s that I am not a teacher. And speaking of Gilda, watch out for her. She’s a griffin that’s living in my house as well. I don’t want you two to have a misunderstanding.”

“Don’t you worry, Navi. We’ll be good if she’s good. But why do you have so many people living here?”

“Doppel is the maid, Cadance is staying here because assassins are after her and she thought my house would be safe, the naga is here to teach me some things and to act as a guard, Gilda is here to learn some things, and Taya is my daughter.”

“Taya? And what about Spike?”

“Spike doesn’t live here. He’s just a friend that comes by occasionally. And Taya is a filly that you haven’t met yet.”

“When can I meet her?”

“Whenever you make time to. You’ll probably see her at dinner, unless you want to go to bed early. Or if you’re like Doppel and don’t want to watch us eat.”

“Why doesn’t she watch you?”

“She finds it awkward because she just sits there while we eat. Doesn’t feel included, I guess. You’re welcome at the table, or you can try to befriend Doppel while she does her thing.”

“Ganger quite likes her pheromone scent, but Poly just thinks that’s because she feeds off lust. But I always do like making new friends!”

“Have fun with that. Now can you get off me?”

“But you’re so comfortable…”

“That’s nice. Your body is hard and ungiving, not very comfortable at all. So off you get.” She sighed and fluttered off me. That was good, because I really didn’t want anyone in the house to see us like that and get the wrong idea. Since we were just going through the gate at the time, it was possible.

A few seconds after her little disappointment scene, she was back up and bouncing a little as she walked, humming a light tune. I knew I was in for a long… however long it took to acclimate her.

Chapter Eighty-Three—Wedding and the fall heat

Chapter Eighty-Three—Wedding and the fall heat

That night, Luna came by yet again in my dreams. She did, of course, knock. “Are you finally ready to continue?” she asked when she was back inside, Flo safely secured in my clothing.

“Yes. Sorry for not being available the last few days. I’ve been feeling somewhat under the weather, but I believe I’m better now.”

“It is quite alright. I’ve had plenty to keep me busy.”

Sure you have. “Well, let’s get started.”

“I assume you still remember how to get out?”

“Yeah. Just gotta do it.” She began walking around as I tried concentrating on getting out of my dream.

About five minutes after I started, she said, “It’s strange. You always have the same dream every night. What is this place to you, Navarone?”

“Not helping me concentrate, Luna.”

“It’s just a simple question.”

“Fine. It’s a human thing. Let’s leave it at that.” Thankfully, that shut her up. Five more minutes later, I broke out. She joined me a second later. “So what are we doing first?”

“Entering and manipulating simple dreams. I don’t want to risk your mind by entering a nightmare that you can’t escape from easily.”

“Very well. Whose dream will we enter?”

She looked around the dreamscape full of bright and shining colors. “Pick any one of them you desire.”

“Can I enter the dream of a changeling?”

“No. Only the dreams of ponies.”

I shrugged and thought of Twilight, turning my head until I felt something I recognized. I stepped that way and came to a white nonagon. Luna appeared next to me as I pulled the smoke aside, peeking in. Twilight was in a large park, three extremely tall poles with circles of various sizes up and down them. Twilight’s horn was glowing as the circles moved around.

“Holy shit, she’s doing a fuckmassive Tower of Hanoi in her dream.”

“Impressive,” Luna commented, also looking inside. “Now, when we get inside, we won’t just be moving objects around. We are going to talk to Twilight and her reactions will change the dreamscape around us. Depending on how the conversation goes, the dream can either turn into a nightmare or a good dream. Or I suppose it could turn erotic.”

When she said that, I decided what my goal of the night would be: Turning all three of those poles into dicks when Twilight wasn’t looking. “Well, shall we?”

She pulled the hole in the fog open wider and jumped through. I did the same on my side, landing next to her in Twilight’s dream. Flo cured the fog in my mind before I even registered that it was there. Since we were both behind Twilight, Luna took a moment to make sure I was myself before she approached purplesmart.

“An interesting dream, Twilight,” Luna said. “I’ve never seen this game.”

Twilight whirled around in surprise, the sky taking on a sickly yellow color. When she saw us, she gasped. “I…” She blinked a few times. “Wait. Are you the real Princess Luna?”

“Very astute.” While Twilight was facing us, I changed the poles into penises and Luna’s breath caught. She giggled slightly and continued, “I am teaching Nav how to traverse dreams.”

“Can I learn too?!”

Luna shook her head. “I’m afraid not. You aren’t attuned to the artifact. And you aren’t my student anyway. Hmm… Navarone, remind me that I need to find a student.”

“I reckon I can do that. Twilight, what’s up with the weird fucking dream?”

“Weird? I think it would be stranger to have what might be called a ‘normal’ dream. I’m sure mine is probably tame compared to some of what you’ve seen.”

“It would be, if not for the giant penises.”

“…Giant what?” Luna and I smirked and I nodded behind Twilight at the poles. Her ears immediately drooped as her head slowly moved up to the top of the poles. When she saw that one of the heads was dripping slightly, the sky immediately turned black.

Luna and I looked around and she idly commented, “Well Nav, you made a nightmare.”

“What?” My question was answered for me when the scene shifted from a park to a classroom, with a completely shaved filly Twilight standing at the front of the class, huddling down on the floor as all the other ponies laughed at her. “What the fuck?”

“Dreams are random, Nav. Twilight obviously has insecurity issues. When she saw the poles, she expected me to be disappointed since I am her teacher’s sister. And this is proof of how easy it is to lose control in a dream.”

“Huh. Well that sucks. Time to go?”

She shook her head. “You did this, Nav. You fix it.”

“Alright… How?”

“Do what comes naturally.”

“Comfort her,” Flo whispered.

I walked over to Twilight, summoning a blanket on the way. When I got to her, I knelt down in front of her and pulled the blanket around her. She looked up at me with tear-filled eyes and I pulled her into a hug. “They can’t hurt you, Twilight. Remember, staves and stones may crack your bones, but words will never hurt you.” Physically, at least. She pulled back, looking at me in confusion. “Also, it’s a dream.” I snapped my fingers and we teleported back to the large field, minus the three penises. Or maybe the large field just appeared around us. I don’t really know.

Either way, I released filly Twilight and stood up. “…N-Navarone?” she asked, slowly growing in size.

“Yep. God, you look hilarious.” She looked back at herself and found that she was still completely shaved. A massive blush covered her face and we reappeared in the classroom, with her back as a filly.

Luna sighed. “Navarone, you are terrible at this.”

“Yeah, but it’s also really funny.”

“While that is true, this is one of my subjects. We shouldn’t be tormenting her. I will take care of this.”

“Aww…” Luna brushed past me, walking to Twilight. When she stopped next to her, Twilight’s fur slowly grew back while she expanded in size.

“Professor Twilight, your class awaits you,” Luna announced when Twilight was back to her normal size.

Twilight blinked from her position on the floor, looking up and around her. “…Yes! My students.” She hopped up and walked over to her desk. “Today’s lesson is on simple elemental magic. Princess, will you and your knight be joining us today?”

“I’m afraid not, Twilight,” Luna answered. “We have business elsewhere. Come, Navarone.” Her horn lit up and we appeared back in the field, Twilight left behind. “There. Look up.”

I did and found that the sky was a brilliant blue color, much nicer than the black it had been. “My solution was funnier.”

“And it led to a nightmare. Is that truly what you want to do to your friends?”

“So they have a bad night of sleep. I don’t plan on making a habit out of it. Remember, I only plan on doing this when I get bored.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Then why should I continue teaching you at all? If all you are going to do is increase my workload of easing night terrors, why shouldn’t I just ban you from the realm of dreams entirely?”

“Because where would be the fun in that? You can’t tell me that you’ve never wanted to chase someone through the realm of dreams before.”

“I have, yes, but not at the risk of my subjects.”

Flo, think you can do everything she taught me?

“Yes, but there might be more that she knows that we need to know. I would not abandon her yet. There is, after all, only one person on the planet that can teach you this.”

Fuck. “Whatever. What’s next?”

“…Navarone, are you okay?”

“Yeah? I told you that I was feeling better. Probably just a tremor or something from whatever Blueblood did. We moving on or what?”

“Very well. Escape this dream.” She stepped out of it without waiting for me, this time.

Flo, how quickly could you get us out of here?

“Instantly, of course. The plus side to not being alive is having an intense focus. However, would that not be cheating?”

Because I care.

“You’re doing better, Nav. This should be something that you master on your own. Luna has thousands of years of experience. Of course she’s going to be better at it.”

I stopped responding and went to focusing on getting out of here. I don’t know why I needed to know how to do it perfectly if Flo could do it for me—and could read my thoughts as I had them so she could get me out as soon as I wanted—but whatever.

It took me eight minutes, that time. Luna was outside, waiting on me. “You’re getting better. I remember blundering my way through this. It took me days to figure out how to get out of dreams.”

“That’s nice. What’s next?”

She rolled her eyes. “Do your achievements mean nothing to you, Nav? Do you truly care so little for improvements? It took you hours the first night! To be getting in and out in mere minutes in comparison is an outstanding achievement! Why are you not proud?”

“Because it’s not instant. I won’t be happy with how far I’ve come until I’ve gone the whole way. Now, what’s next?”

“No wonder you’re always so depressed…” I narrowed my eyes and she sighed. “Very well, if you are going to be like that. Now we’ll find a different dream to practice on.”

I shrugged and looked for Cadance’s dream. I found its golden hue a few seconds later. When I poked my head in, I saw something that I was not at all expecting: Cadance using binoculars to watch me and Fluttershy innocently kiss.

I slowly pulled away from the dream. “Let’s find a different one.”

“I think not,” Luna said, still looking into the dream next to us. “It would be good for you to learn how to deal with having a dream entity that’s already in place. This dream seems safe enough to learn that skill in.”

I shrugged. “Alright.” Before she could say anything else, I pulled myself through. Everything went dark as I felt an intense feeling of… something right and warm and various other adjectives as I gently kissed Fluttershy. God, I don’t want to become lucid…

“Too bad,” Flo whispered. “Wake up, Nav. You need to learn.” In response, I reached around the back of Fluttershy’s head and leaned further into the kiss, turning it from ‘innocent’ into a full on make-out session. Fluttershy made some kind of noise as the kissing intensified.

After a few seconds, I pulled away with a loud smack. “Love ya, toots,” I said before concentrating and making her disappear. Before Cadance could do anything, I teleported behind her. “Boo.”

Then the dream exploded in color around me, blinding me. After a second, I shot backwards out of the dream and got thrown into the dreamscape. Before I could catch myself, I landed in a nearby dream, going completely through the oily black smoke.

I finally caught myself on a white wall, slamming into it and slowly sliding down. I felt a crushing sorrow for a few seconds before Flo forced sentience into my mind. When I looked around, I found that I was in a hospital room. Big Mac was lying on a bed. There was no one else in the room.

He grunted when I stood up and he noticed me. “Go ‘way,” he muttered.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I answered, walking over to the bed. “What are you doing in bed? Doesn’t Applejack need your help?”

He glared at me. “Don’t you mock me! You know I can’t move!”

Oh, that makes sense. I snorted. “You can’t or you won’t? Lazy bum like you, I bet you did this on purpose so you could avoid work.”

“What. Did. You. Say?”

“I called you a lazy bum. Lying in bed and making your sisters do all the work. No wonder they’re not visiting. If you were in my family, I’d disown you, too.”

“Stop. Talking.”

“Make me. Get out of that bed and prove me wrong. I dare you.”

He roared and forced his body to work, escaping the confines of his nightmare through sheer rage. I held up a hand, holding him in place as I moved us to the orchard. Before I released him, I teleported several hundred yards away, into a tree. When he was finally free, his rage immediately dissipated. After a moment of confusion, he shrugged and went to the nearest tree. A cart and some buckets appeared out of nowhere as he started to work.

Flo whispered, “Effective, though crude.”

Yeah, well. You have any idea what happened?

“If I had to guess, you shocked Cadance so much that she woke up. I suggest that you don’t do something like that again.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t shoot Fluttershy in the face like I was planning. I was kind enough and just made her disappear.”

“Quiet! Luna is probably watching. Now get us out of here; it looks like our job is done.”

Still say you should just do this part for me… She didn’t answer, presumably not wanting to waste her time by disputing it. Eight minutes later, we were out of the dream.

“Well, that was somewhat unexpected,” Luna said from her position next to me. “It has been a long time since I accidentally made somepony wake up. Well, now you know what happens when you do.”

“Is there any way to control the flight?”

“React in time and catch yourself before you hit another dream. It was a complete surprise to you, so I understand why you didn’t react in time. Just be more careful next time. At least you did much better in this fellow’s dream. Do you know him?”

“Yeah. Big Mac. Acquaintance of mine.”

“The ‘Big’ definitely applies. It is good that you reacted when you did. If you hadn’t, you would have learned first hoof what happens when you die in a dream.”

“So what happens when you die in a dream?”

“The same thing that happens when the dreamer wakes up, though it involves a lot more personal pain. It can even be enough to drive you to a waking state.”

“So… what else is there to really teach me?”

“Honestly, very little. You seemed to pick up on the powers you have very quickly. You just need to continue practicing exiting dreams. I could teach you personal exercises that would aid you in falling asleep, but I don’t know if you could use those with your body as it is. Let me think…” Her eyes seemed to glaze for a second before she gasped. “Vagrants! You probably won’t run into one, but on the off chance you do, it’s extremely important that you know what they are and how to deal with them. Very, very rarely, you will run into somepony in a dream that’s also sentient and fully aware. And when that happens, they know who you are and that you are also a dreamwalker. They know, and they hate you for it. I don’t know what causes them or if they’re actual dreamwalkers or something else, but they blend into the dream almost perfectly. If you look into the dream from the outside, you can tell who they are by their faint red glow. But once you get into the dream, you can’t tell.”

“I don’t really see what the problem is. So they kill you and knock you out of the dream. Big deal.”

She shook her head. “If it was that simple, yes, it wouldn’t be a problem. I would warn you of them and leave it be. Vagrants are menaces, but sadly menaces that we can’t touch. If you see one, leave the dream alone. Just close the hole you used to look inside and turn the other way. Trying to fight them risks having your own mind and dreams invaded, and they get complete control. They don’t want to kill, Nav. They want to hurt. Avoid them if you can. If you run into one without realizing it, leave the dream as soon as possible. I’ve never had one follow me.”

I shrugged. “Alright. I’m not in a hurry to get in a fight with a malevolent monster. You find one and you want to try fighting it, let me know and I’ll help you out. Maybe between the two of us we can destroy one of them.”

“Maybe. I don’t think I will risk it. As far as I can tell, they are harmless until you attempt to enter the dream they’re hiding in.”

“I don’t suppose you’ve ever found one that wasn’t violent?”

“No, I haven’t. They all turned on me as soon as I entered, before I could even make contact with one of them.”

“Meh. I’ll leave them be, then. Lord knows that I don’t need any more enemies. So what’s next on the agenda?”

“For me, work. For you, continue exploring dreams for another hour or two, practicing exiting them. Or use your own dreams and practice in your mind. Just practice leaving dreams. That’s all you seem to lack, now.”

“Hey, can I get into Celestia’s dream?”

“You’ll have to either ask permission or fight your way inside. That would also be good practice for you. Just be wary of her dreams; occasionally when I enter or ask to enter, she plays games.”

“…What kind of games?”

Luna smirked. “Oh, you’ll find out. Nothing dangerous, I assure you. Now, I need to go. Have fun and be careful.”

“I’ll try. Don’t forget to get a student.”

She nodded. “I’ll start looking tomorrow, when everypony is awake. See you later, Nav.” I nodded and after a second of waiting for some kind of response, she sighed and disappeared.

“Alright, who should we fuck with first?”

“Check on Taya’s dream. If she’s having a nightmare, we help her first. If not, I say we visit some of your friends’ dreams, like Rainbow Dash or Pinkie.”

“Hell no. I’m not stepping anywhere near Pinkie’s dreams. I don’t care what they’re about or if she’s having a nightmare or what. Rainbow Dash, sure. Pinkie, no chance in hell.”

“…That’s probably a good idea.”

I looked around for a second to find Taya’s dream. It was white, so I didn’t bother with it. I shrugged and found Dash’s instead. It was red, a sensual dream. “Well, should we invade her privacy?” I was already stepping that way.

“You really shouldn’t,” Flo sighed.

I already had my head poked in at that point. That’s exactly what I was expecting. “Think they’d mind if I joined them?”

“Navarone, you are supposed to be practicing escaping from dreams. If you go down there, you won’t want to escape.”

I sighed, nodding. “Alright… Although to be fair, I didn’t really want to escape Cadance’s dream, either. Wanna go mess with Celestia, then?”

“Might as well. Just be sure to ask permission to enter, first.”

“I’m not stupid.” I found Celestia’s white dream in the masses and stepped toward it, appearing next to it instantly. “Huh. Does it seem… darker up close?”

“It does. Luna mentioned that her dream was protected. Maybe that’s what she meant by that.”

I shrugged and dipped my finger into the dream, feeling resistance. Instead of attempting to open a hole, I just started writing words into it. “Sup, honey buns? You want some company from your favorite hominid?”

Flo sighed. “This can’t end well…”

A minute or two of sitting around the dreamscape later, the sign in Celestia’s dream changed. “Cum on in.”

“…Think she misspelled that on purpose?” I mused aloud.

“Ugh…”

I grinned and tried opening a hole in the dream. I couldn’t get in that way, so I tried punching it. My hand went right through, leaving the rest of me outside. Before I could pull my hand out to try with the rest of my body, I felt something pulling me inside. My eyes widened in surprise as my entire body was forced into the dream.

“Well, well, well… It looks like the piece has found its way to the game.” I looked around in the dark room, trying to figure out where I was. My face paled as I found that I was standing on a massive chessboard with a full opposing army facing me. I had nothing on my side. “I’m quite disappointed you took so long to show us this game, Nav. I quite enjoy it. Tell me, how good are you?”

“Not very. And I think I’ll pass on playing, thank you.”

“Oh, but you’ve come so far, just to visit me! Shouldn’t you have a little fun before you leave?”

“Not playing doesn’t mean I have to leave. I wouldn’t mind… talking.”

“We can talk while we play.” I saw a huge white hoof descend from the shadows, moving a knight ahead. “Your move.”

“It’s hardly fair to have twenty against one.”

“Nothing is stopping you from introducing a few more players on your side.”

I used my dream abilities to pull out a high powered sniper rifle. After a second of aiming, I pulled the trigger. A bullet shot directly at the king, but it seems my move was anticipated because a pawn jumped up to intercept the bullet.

“I don’t think that is a legal move,” she idly commented as the pawn disappeared.

I casually pulled the bolt back on the rifle, loading another round. “I never was one for playing by the rules.”

“Well…” With a wave of her hoof, all the remaining pawns got bows. One of them pulled out an arrow, aimed for a moment, and shot it dead at me. It thudded into the shield I spawned.

I dropped the shield and the rifle, summoning up a new toy. “I hope you like Russian engineering.” I’ll admit: I never fired an RPG before. That said, I think my first time did a pretty good job eradicating the king. “I do believe that’s checkmate.”

“My oh my, your human toys are certainly powerful.” The RPG had a chance to hit the ground with a thud before it disappeared and she continued, “It certainly makes this game rather boring. But… in your world, I don’t think the fight would end when the king fell.”

My relatively relaxed state disappeared when all of the pawns drew back their bows. Acting quickly, I summoned the power armor and smirked as all of the arrows bounced off. With but a thought, a massive bolter machine gun appeared in my hands and began mowing down the rows of enemies. “Unoriginal, but efficient. Does that mean I win?”

“You may have defeated the tools, but you have yet to beat the master.” Celestia appeared on the board in front of me at the same time as my power armor and my weapon disappeared—not my doing, of course. “Come, show me what you learned!”

“I would really rather not fight,” I said, holding up a sword that appeared at my side. “You know that combat isn’t my forte.”

She began circling around me. I sighed and started circling as well. “You are a knight, Navarone. You should know how to fight.”

“Oh, I do know how to fight. But I don’t know how to fight against someone that’s been training for several thousand years in some martial arts.”

“Well, we can make it interesting. The loser does whatever the winner commands.”

“Not interested. How about we just don’t fight? If you really want your peace, I can just go.”

“Oh, I don’t mind spending time with you. I quite enjoy it, in fact. But enough talk… Have at you!” She used my nostalgic flashback against me, rushing me. Given that I wasn’t weighed down by armor, I easily dodged out of the way.

“This fight is very unrealistic, you know. I’d be using a ranged weapon in real life.”

“Then it’s no fun!”

“It’s hardly fun in the first place.”

“Then hurry up and lose so we can get on to what you’ll consider to be the fun part.” She charged again. Instead of dodging, I jumped into the air and spun. When she got under me, I dropped and landed on her back.

“You know, I had a feeling this night would end with me riding y—Oh God!” She reared back and I grabbed onto her neck. Too late did I realize that she wasn’t just rearing back to dislodge me. She was going all the way back to fucking crush me. I tried letting go and jumping off, but her front legs held my arms in place, preventing me from moving.

So it was that Celestia ended on top of my very pained form. “Who’s riding whom?” she chuckled.

“Please kill me,” I whispered, barely able to get anything else out.

“Oh, stop being such a baby. It’s just a dream!” She pulled herself off me and stood. With a grin, she grabbed one of my hands and pulled me up, taking a deep breath and mashing my face into hers. When our mouths met, she forced air into my body and popped all of my flat or dinged body parts back into place. “There, good as new! Now, what brings you by?”

“I just wanted to say hi. I… I think I’ll be going, now.”

“Oh come now, surely you have plenty of time to spare for your favorite princess!”

“Yes, and I’d be willing to give Cadance all the time she needs. But now that I’ve said hi, I’ll just go.” Flo, please get me out of here.

Celestia sighed. “You’re such a sore loser.” That was all she had time for before Flo got me the hell out of there.

“So yeah,” I said, nodding, “I’m not hitting her dreams up anymore. Fuck that noise.”

“You can’t deny that it was interesting.”

“Interesting isn’t the same as fun or enjoyable. I think I’m done dreamwalking for tonight. I’ll just practice entering and exiting my own dream. Maybe I can get out of one instantly tonight.”

“Very well. Though it would seem more prudent to hunt out nightmares to help Luna.”

“Meh. Now, let’s get started…”

“What do you mean, you can’t teach her?”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “Navarone, this may surprise you, but being a princess isn’t all smiles and giggles. I’ve been doing work off and on since I got here. Between helping around the house as I can, being a mother with no nanny or father around, and the occasional work I have to do, I have little time for anything else. I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t teach your new changeling how to read.” She looked askance at Mimeo. “Especially not one that apparently has four personalities living in his—or her—head.”

“It seemed like a worthless skill to learn anyway,” Mimeo replied. “Words words words. It is better to do.” He sighed and added, “Though all the others disagree.”

“See Nav, that is creepy,” Cadance said. “All living in there, sure. Talking to each other while also dealing with everypony else?” She shivered. “No thanks. And I just know it would get distracting.”

“It doesn’t, if there is respect,” Mimeo said. “Respect and cooperation make this arrangement work.”

Cadance just shook her head. “Whatever. I think I’ll be fine being alone up here. Anyway, I’m sorry that I can’t help, Nav. Maybe you can try asking the local teacher?”

Mimeo narrowed his eyes at that. “Learning is one thing. Going to a school full of foals? The others may go. I refuse.”

“You wouldn’t be going. She’d be coming here, or maybe sending a tutor,” I answered. “And it would probably only be every other day, so whoever comes to teach you doesn’t ask why you keep changing gender. It’s one thing for everyone here to know. It’s another thing for this news to get around. I don’t think you’d be happy with a kid teaching you, so it’ll probably be Eva and Poly. That acceptable for you guys?”

After a second of deliberation, he nodded. “This is agreeable. What will we be doing when we aren’t learning?”

“Hm. I don’t suppose you’re one of the changelings that can use magic?”

In response, his horn lit up a dull green. “We have a small aptitude for it.”

Well, that’s unexpected. “I thought the hives held onto all their mages very dearly.”

“They do. It was not with ease that we escaped. I take it we are to learn magic as well?”

“No offense, but I don’t trust you that well yet. Let’s see… How good are you at spying?”

“Never done it.”

“Let’s walk. I’ll see you later, Cadance.”

She sighed. “Nav, what are you planning?”

With an innocent smile, I replied, “Why, nothing. What ever makes you think I would plot something?”

“I never said plot,” she flatly said.

“See you later!” She just shook her head as I dragged Mimeo out. “Alright, our first stop is the schoolhouse,” I said as we walked out of my fortress. “Gotta talk to Cheerilee. After that, we’ll visit a friend of mine that Eva met yesterday. She’s in the middle of wedding shit right now, so she can’t exactly teach you how to spy and whatnot, but she can give you some pointers to get you started. What she can’t teach you, Doppel can fill in. Between the two of them I’m sure we can get you set up right proper.”

“I believe I can manage. I question the competence of one of my other selves, however.”

“Take it up with her, then. You and Ganger can learn how to be spies from Bon-Bon and Doppel. Eva and Poly can learn math and how to read. After some time, you can all learn magic, though I don’t know anyone offhand that would know the changeling’s style of it.”

“We already know some. All changelings that show any manner of magical aptitude are put into a special program. Evo didn’t want to stick around very long after we got put into it, though.”

“Damn shame.”

“We left one step ahead of the execution squad that was coming to our hovel. Evo survived because his parents kept him hidden. That was no longer possible when our magic was discovered.”

“Still, would have been useful if you knew the changeling way of magic. It’s supposedly much less complex and difficult to do things with.”

“It is, according to the teacher we barely had time to get to know. However, he didn’t think we had much aptitude, which is why we weren’t as closely watched.”

“I always figured magic was something you built up like a muscle. Is it not?”

“I don’t know. We weren’t there long enough to learn.”

Unfortunately, I knew what that meant. Looks like we’re going to visit Twilight. If nothing else, she’d be able to tell us if she could teach them or if anyone else could. I was certainly hoping so, even if it wouldn’t be for a while. “So when you do start learning magic, what do you care to learn?”

“Anything I can find useful,” he answered. “Poly apparently wants navigation magic, if there even is such a thing. Ganger wants charms. Eva wants to learn to heal.”

“Figures. If Ganger does learn any charms, he’s to only use them when he’s in danger. I do not want to hear any cases of fucking date rape going on.”

Mimeo smirked. “He doesn’t like what you’re implicating.”

“Hey, I’m not taking chances. It would be inconvenient if you got arrested for rape.”

“Not that. He doesn’t like that you think he needs the charms to get laid.”

“I would suggest a competition, but I’m not going to do that to the poor mares of Ponyville.”

“I’m not going to repeat what he said.”

“Good. You’re not a messenger, after all; you don’t have to tell everyone everything they say. In fact, I advise against it, especially if we’re around people that don’t know. The people in my house are… different, and are used to things most ponies aren’t. Tell them you have four people living in your head, they’ll understand. Tell it to anyone else, and you might have problems.”

“I will remember that, Navarone.” After a minute of walking in silence, he sighed. “Poly demands I ask you about what else we should avoid when dealing with the ponies.”

“They’re very jumpy and wary of new things. Luckily for you, you aren’t the first changeling they’ve had to deal with in recent times. Just don’t ruin it for the other two by fucking up.”

“I have no desire to be removed from another home. The Everfree Forest was not fun for any of us and I fear that we would not last long without fragmenting further in that place. And prison would also not be fun.”

“Just remember that. And this here’s the schoolhouse. It’ll be lunchtime soon, so all the kids will be leaving to eat. We can talk to Cheerilee then.”

“And Cheerilee is the teacher?”

“Yup. She probably won’t be the one to teach you, though.”

“But it would be a smart idea to make an impression, so she won’t send someone that isn’t smart.”

“Yeah. Speaking of which, would you mind changing your gender or something so your voice sounds female? It would give her a more accurate impression of who to send.”

“Such issues matter little to me,” he said in a female voice. “Male, female, I don’t really care.”

“But you identify most with male?”

“I suppose. It seems more… proper. Still, I do not mind the opposite.”

I shrugged just as a bell in the school rang and a flood of foals began streaming from the building. Most of them didn’t go too far and a few stopped when they saw me. When the torrent of kids was out of the way, I led my faithful changeling companion to the inside of the schoolhouse.

“Last time I was in this place was much more interesting,” I idly commented as I stepped inside.

“How can I help you, Navarone?” Cheerilee pleasantly asked.

“Eva wants to learn to read and to do some simple math. No one at my house has the time or cares enough to teach her. Can you do it or send a tutor by to do it?”

She grinned widely. “I’d be happy to send somepony by. I would, but I have little enough time to myself to do it and it’s nice to let somepony else experience the joys of teaching. When do you want to start?” she asked Mimeo.

“Tomorrow,” he or she answered.

Cheerilee nodded. “I’ll send somepony by after school, then.” She looked up to me. “Do you have any particular preference for whom to send?”

I shrugged. “Don’t really care. I can pay them if I need to. Just give me a fair price since I don’t really know how tutors work. I guess they do need to be able to deal with a naga and a timberwolf. They’re both mostly harmless, but I don’t want whoever you send to freak out over them.”

“Oh, a bit a day will be plenty fair. I know you don’t really have to worry about that. And I can find somepony that isn’t too jumpy.”

“Good. Can the tutor come by every other day?”

“When learning to read and learning basic math, it’s best to work until the basics are learned, and then you can go into things like every other day.”

I shook my head. “That wasn’t really a question, I’m afraid. It needs to be every other day. I’m sorry, but that’s how it is.”

She sighed. “Very well. I’m sure you have your reasons. I’ll send the tutor by every other day.”

“Cool. I’ll see you later, Cheerilee.”

“Of course. Before you go, though, when were you last in here? I don’t remember you ever stopping by the actual schoolhouse.”

My mind shot back to the first time I had sex with the other Gilda. “It’s been a little while and I don’t think you were around. Not really important.”

She shrugged. “Alright. See you, Nav. And it was nice meeting you, Eva.” Mimeo only nodded, since he’s one of those assholes.

When we got back on the road into town and Mimeo changed back into a dude, he commented, “For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this tutor business.”

“What’s the worst that could—Oh God dammit!” I completely forgot about Twist and what she did. I almost turned back around to tell Cheerilee not to send Twist or anyone else that had a crush on me, but I stopped myself. “She probably won’t send anyone too bad. The one problematic one didn’t seem like the type that would be brave enough to deal with a naga.”

“So you say. We’ll see. I am only thankful that I don’t have to deal with whoever it is.”

When am I ever going to learn my lesson?

I opened the door the next day to find Diamond Tiara standing there. That was quite surprising and my first reaction was, “Does your dad need something?” I asked.

The smiling look on her face turned snooty for all of a second before she smoothed it back over, answering, “I’m the tutor!”

“…Alright. Come on in.” Cheerilee knows what she’s doing, I’m sure. I let her in, closing the door behind her. “This here’s Eva,” I said, nodding at the changeling sitting in the living room. “Eva, this is Diamond Tiara, the one that’ll be teaching you to read and do math. Also, that freaky wolf thing is Freki.” The puppy looked up at that, wagging his tail. “Don’t you worry about him.” Diamond Tiara didn’t seem that fazed by him. “Eva, you know where the study is. That’ll probably be the most peaceful place to learn. Diamond Tiara, you need anything, just ask her. Eva, she needs anything you can’t help with, find Doppel.”

Poly hopped off the couch. “You got it, Nav. Come on.”

“You aren’t coming with us?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“I already know how to read. No reason for me to learn again. I got things to do, sadly.” I mean, if I was going to sit there watching her learn, I wouldn’t even bother with the damn tutor.

“Oh…” I turned to go again, but she stopped me with, “Did you like your gift?”

“…That was from you?” I hesitantly asked.

She nodded, smiling. “I bought the candy from Bon-Bon for you.”

Oh boy. “It was good, thank you.” With the way she was beaming, I think I might have made a mistake. “Anyway, I need to go. Have fun.” I quickly made myself scarce, not wanting to be around for whatever kind of reply Diamond Tiara might have had. When I was upstairs and safely in my room, I began strapping on my armor. “What do you think, Flo? Should I tell her dad or not?”

“Morally, yes. However… you ate every last piece of that candy, knowing what it was tainted with. How would you explain that to him? I suggest against telling him. We know Diamond Tiara is smart, even if she’s cruel. Surely she’ll pick up on some hints that you aren’t at all interested in a filly.”

“I hope so. It would be very inconvenient if she tried pushing the issue, especially now that she’s in my house and has a chance to find blackmail material.”

“Navarone, you are a very careful and meticulous person. There is nothing here that can be used to blackmail you… yet. Make sure she teaches Eva and Poly quickly so she will have less time here.”

“Yeah. But for now, I need to go get wrecked by the naga. So much to do, so little time to do it in…”

The next day, a somewhat welcome surprise occurred. “I’ve learned enough, I think,” Gilda said as she packed her only bag. “And to be honest, it’s beginning to feel way too crowded here.”

“Understandable. Thank you for tolerating them for so long; I might have had problems dealing with two of my worst enemies living under the same roof.”

“And you’re not a princess. It was annoying, but I’m used to annoyances. And I do believe it was worth it, if I am able to recreate even one of the devices I learned from your laptop. You know that I would pay dearly to possess it, right?”

“I know. If I had a spare, I’d let you take it. After clearing it of all details about weapons, of course.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Changelings and ponies have magic. I believe any weapons you could give us would only even the field, not tip it.”

“So you’d think. It takes a unicorn to use magic. Anyone can use a gun.”

“Whatever. It’s not like we have a war planned on the horizon anyway. Again, I don’t see what you’re so worried about.”

“Hey, I put several minutes into worrying about a war between the griffins and the changelings. I even drafted up a nice little treaty thing so it wouldn’t happen.”

“And peace is going reasonably well, all things told,” she sighed. “I never would have believed it.”

“It helps that you never really gave it a chance. I mean, how long have you two been in open conflict?”

She shrugged. “Longer than I’ve been alive. We used to put them down as we found them. Things go a little differently now.”

“I’m sure. Well, you’re always welcome back here if you need anything else. I’m sure your father will be happy to send you by.”

“And he’ll probably be disappointed I’m leaving without a ring on one of my talons. At least you weren’t as interested as the last several suitors he’s tried to get me to marry.”

“Eh. Marriage ain’t my style. You ready to go?”

“I think so.” She took one last look around her room before nodding. “I got everything I want. I suppose this is it, then.”

“Until I come to collect my infiltration team, at least. I suppose I’ll see you then, if not sooner.”

“Yup. Maybe by the time we meet again, I’ll have a few working engines.”

“Good luck with that.” Truth be told, it was nice to see her leave. For one, she was kind of a bitch. For another, I used up a lot of time running through the plans with her, time I could be putting to a better use.

Shame I never got to tap dat ass, though…

The day of the unofficial and actual wedding was pretty wet and rainy, actually. Lyra and Bon-Bon didn’t invite anyone and we just did it in their house. Given the location and the lack of guests, no one really dressed up. “Do you, Bon-Bon, take Lyra as your wife, with all the responsibilities that entails?”

“I do,” she answered with no hesitation.

“And do you, Lyra, take Bon-Bon as your wife, with all the responsibilities that entails?”

“I do,” Lyra answered, a small quiver in her voice.

“Does anypony in the crowd have any reason that these two should not be wed?” There were no answers, which probably had something to do with there being no crowd. “Then under the stars and the moon, I, as a knight of Princess Luna, declare you two lawfully wed.” I really love Luna’s wedding ceremony. “You may now kiss.” It was supposed to be ‘you may now kiss the bride,’ but I figured that would be a bit ambiguous given the situation.

And of course, they didn’t seem to mind. The kiss started relatively pure, but as the realization that they were married against the odds kicked in, passion began leaking into it. When one of Lyra’s hooves went behind Bonnie’s head, I decided to excuse myself with a murmured farewell. I didn’t really want to interrupt, after all.

Upon insistence from Celestia and probably fucking Cadance, Luna sent me a much less abridged version of the script for the big wedding that Celestia did, in fact, set up for the couple. I knew that I could still finish the wedding up in about ten minutes, though.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t really anywhere fancy or formal enough for Celestia’s tastes in Ponyville proper. Sure, normally she wouldn’t care, but this was a big event. Apparently the news got out about it and a ton of people wanted in on it. Reporters, dignitaries, and a few other important people that I didn’t really care about. So in the end, the wedding was moved to Canterlot, in the actual fucking palace. Not the same place that Shiny and Cadance got, though.

Personally, I didn’t fucking care where it was. As long as I could marry them, grab a bunch of free food, and then leave without getting bugged too much, I’d be happy to do the ceremony anywhere.

So there I was in a little back room, waiting with Bon-Bon for the damn wedding to start. It was decided somewhere that she would be the ‘man’ of the wedding, taking the place of the groom. “So why are you in your disguise?” I asked, trying to pass the time.

“After so many years, I just… feel better as a pony. And Rarity made this outfit to match me, not a changeling.” It did a very good job at that, too: The main body of the dress was a deep blue, with pink hemming on the bottom and a pink saddle-like piece on her back. She also had a purple set of shoes with a single blue stone attached to the middle of each.

“There are gonna be people out there that’ll feel disappointed to not see you as a changeling.”

“And this is my wedding. Or rather, me and Lyra’s wedding. They are merely uninvited guests.”

“I’m very happy you feel that way. Just remember that Chrysalis is still your queen.”

“No she’s not. After so long expatriated from the changeling hives, I don’t really feel any desire to go back. Princess Celestia very happily accepted my appeal for official citizenship in Equestria.”

“Well now, that’s certainly interesting. How did Chrysalis take that?”

“I don’t think she knows just yet. Honestly, I doubt she’ll care. I’m just one changeling.”

“You are, yes. But I’ve heard tales of other changelings defecting as well. I know for sure that there’s one in the night guard. Doppel decided that being around me is better than being around her, too. That’s three in my experience alone. How many others might there be?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care. It’s not my problem anymore.”

“That’s a nice atti—You hear that?” The music started, making her jump. “That’s our cue.” I pushed the door to the main room open and walked through, letting Bon-Bon enter behind me. We walked to the center of the stage together, where we stopped to wait for Lyra. I bet you’d never believe it, Flo, but I used to get stage fright.

“I know,” she answered. “I imagine you probably grew out of that the first time someone tried hitting you with a sword.”

Your priorities do change a lot, yeah. Hey, weddings are boring and you know the lines anyway. You want to take control?

“I can do that. Just relax and let me out.” I did as she said. Soon enough, I found myself back in her glade, reclining in an armchair and watching the scene through a big screen.

That gave me ample time to watch Lyra slowly walk down the aisle, a few flower fillies throwing down petals ahead of her. Of course, she didn’t have a veil, but her dress was still mostly a pure white with a minty green hemming and a saddle-type thing held on by thin golden straps. Her long hair was held up by a pin in the shape of her lyre cutie mark.

I could see Chrysalis, Cadance, Celestia, and Luna in the crowd, sitting next to each other near the back. Cadance was as far as she could get from Chrysalis, of course. Twilight was also back there, wedged in between Cadance and Celestia. The rest of the rows were taken up by Lyra’s family and news reporters, all of whom seemed rather bored that there were no changelings but Chrysalis openly present.

When Lyra finally got to her position, Flo began reciting the script. Now, as I’m sure we all know, weddings are boring as fuck unless you’re the one getting married. I won’t bother writing down all of what was said. I’ll say that instead of rings, Lyra got a necklace with Bonnie’s cutie mark and Bonnie got a set of earrings with Lyra’s ass tattoo.

“If anypony has a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.” I was waiting for that line, because I knew that Equestria is a cartoony kinda place and that something big would happen when that line was spouted out.

Sure enough, I wasn’t disappointed. Not two seconds after Flo said that, someone kicked the doors in. A large white unicorn stallion walked in dramatically, yelling, “NOT SO FAST!” This exclamation was followed by a number of surprised gasps.

Oh boy. “Give me control back,” I sighed. In an instant, I was back in my body. “By what right do you interrupt this lawful matrimony?” I demanded.

“No innocent mare should marry a monster!”

“Oh? And who is the monster here?”

Now that one stumped him. “Uh…” He looked back and forth between Bon-Bon’s shocked face and Lyra’s very angry face before pointing at Lyra. “Her!”

“Wrong,” I answered, crossing my arms. “That would be you. Celestia, would you kindly remove him and teach him some manners?”

His white face paled as he cast a hurried gaze over the crowd. When he saw all three of the princesses glaring at him, his mouth dropped. “Not again!” he finally groaned. He sprinted away without another word, leaving the door wide open.

Who the fuck was that?

“The monster hunter Pelt,” Flo answered. “You’ve met him before.”

Whatever. “Given the lack of serious opposition, I, as a knight of Princess Luna, declare you two lawfully wed. You may now kiss the bride.” Despite the sudden interruption, they both leaned in for it. Bon-Bon was actually crying as they nuzzled before kissing. Bonnie reverted into her changeling body mid-kiss, showing everyone that changelings actually can cry.

After a moment of hesitation, the reporters started taking pictures. I really wanted to roll my eyes, but I managed to hold back. So I just waited up at the front as the couple slowly walked out, one of their front legs wrapped around the other’s.

When they were finally out, I crossed my hands behind my back and announced, “For everyone that is invited—you know who you are—the reception will begin in fifteen minutes. For everyone else, trying to sneak into the reception will end poorly for you. So all you reporters can do yourself a favor and just go on home now.” There were a few groans in the audience that I ignored as I began to walk away. Some of those groans turned into grunts as some of the reporters jumped up to follow me.

That time, I didn’t bother stopping myself from rolling my eyes. “What’s your opinion on interracial relationships?” one reporter asked, ready to write a response down.

“You see any other humans around here? Take a guess on my opinion.”

Another asked, “What about changeling and pony relationships? What’s your opinion on the marriage?”

“If they love each other, they love each other. It’s nobody’s business to tell them they can’t get married.”

“What about the stallion that interrupted?”

“Bigoted idiots will be bigoted idiots. I had to deal with that asshole myself a few years ago. Given that this wedding has the blessing of all three princesses, I’m sure not many ponies will bother them.”

“Is it true that you had an affair with Queen Chrysalis?”

I snorted and replied, “Is it true that you had an affair with a blind filly named Snowdrop?”

“W-what? I’ve never—”

“I mean, it’s hardly my business, after all, but if you’re going to pry into my life, it’s only fair that I can do the same to you.”

That reporter just sputtered and blushed, looking away. Someone else asked, “What about your… other dealings with the changelings? You were instrumental in acclimating Chrysalis to Equestria, you were seen as her date in one of the Galas, and there are rumors that you’ve visited at least two changeling hives. How do we know you aren’t brainwashed?”

“Because Celestia trusts me. Do you think she would be so quick to trust someone that had their mind fucked with by a changeling?”

“Didn’t she trust Captain Shining Armor?”

“That was before she found the old influence detecting spells,” I answered with a shrug. “Her student used the same spell to confirm that Bon-Bon wasn’t influencing her new wife.”

“How much did you charge for the wedding?”

“It was a favor for some friends. No charge. And for the love of God, don’t fucking advertise in whatever paper you work for that I do weddings.”

“Who’s God?” one reporter asked.

“I’ll tell you later.” He blinked and shrugged.

“What truth is there to the rumors that you and Captain Shining Armor are having an affair?”

I burst out laughing and was eventually able to say, “Holy shit, you guys actually bought that rumor? God damn, I need to start making up even more hilarious ones. Celestia is secretly a narwhal, but her disguise only drops when the clock strikes three in the morning.”

“Well, it’ll look good in the tabloids,” one of them muttered, scribbling it down.

“Anyway, enough questions,” I said, waving a hand. “Bugger off. Anything else you ask me past this point will be answered in a way that will either be useless or make you feel bad about yourself.”

“What about Princess Cadance? Do you know where she is?”

“If I were to ask you to have sex with me, would your answer to that be the same as to that of this question?”

“I… N—er, y—um… Maybe?”

Someone else asked, “What do you have to say in response to everypony that claims you’re a marizer—” Womanizer, I think. “—that cares about nothing but getting laid?”

I stopped in my tracks, turned to the reporter that said that, knelt down to his level, and answered in a calm and quiet voice, “What would you do if I and ten random ponies came into your workplace and started asking you question after question? How long would it take for you to get annoyed? How long would it take for you to snap? What is your breaking point? And when you reach that point, how far would you be willing to go to make sure none of those people ever asked you a question again?”

The reporter’s eyes slowly grew wider as I spoke and his ears dropped down. He started stuttering out some response as I stood and continued walking to the reception area.

None of the reporters followed me.

I decided to dreamwalk again that night, just to see if anything interesting was going down in the dreams of my friends. Not that I was really snooping all that much, but you never know what interesting tidbits you might find in dreams.

Imagine my surprise when I looked for Taya’s dream first and found it red. I lifted an eyebrow and said, “What do you think, Flo?”

She sighed. “As a father, it’s your business to know if she’s dating someone. However, looking into her dreams like this… I don’t suggest it, Nav. Nothing good can come of it.”

“She said she wanted me more involved in her life, didn’t she? She’s tired of me caring only about myself or something like that. Well, seeing who she has an eye for and helping her get a date can’t be too bad, can it?”

“You’re leaving soon and she’ll be going with you. Do you really want her to leave someone behind that she’ll be pining for?”

“I still miss some of my old flames. You know that, Flo. And you know that I also feel bad about the chances I never took. It’s better to take a chance, I’ve found, than to live wondering what could have been. She doesn’t know that, though, and maybe I can help her realize it.”

“You don’t have to violate her privacy to do it, then.”

“Yeah, but first I want to know if I approve. What if she’s dreaming about some old guy or the naga or something?”

“That’s creepy. I won’t stop you, Nav, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

I shrugged. “It’s just a little peek. What’s the worst that could happen?” I floated over to the dream and slowly pulled open a window. My mouth immediately dropped.

After a few seconds, Flo answered, “That. That’s pretty much the worst that could happen.”

Inside the dream, gently kissing my loving daughter, was a dream representation of me. When I finally got control of myself, I slammed the window shut before it could get any worse. “How…” I whispered, falling to my knees. “How did I fail so badly?”

“This isn’t necessarily a failure,” Flo quietly said. “Think, Nav. She probably doesn’t know what incest is. She likely doesn’t know the stigmas behind it. Once you explain, I’m sure she’ll realize this desire is wrong. And that’s if it’s a desire at all, of course; you know how dreams are.”

“God… What would even bring this filthy dream up, anyway? All the days before this, her dreams have been normal!”

“Nav, she did just get her cutie mark recently. Maybe she’s in heat. Just… talk to her about it tomorrow.”

I spared another glance to her dream bubble. “I could do it right now. Turn that dream into such a nightmare she wouldn’t even think about something like this again.”

“That’s a terrible idea. Yes, it could solve the issue of her possible crush on you, but it might also make her afraid of you instead.”

“Can I at least make her wake up? It pains me to know that something like this even exists!”

Flo sighed and shook her head. “Just leave her be, Nav. You can deal with it in the morning.”

As I stood back up and walked away, I couldn’t help but repeat a question to myself. How could this have happened?

The next morning was… I don’t even know. I woke up at my normal time feeling terrible. I spared a moment to put some clothes and my ring on since I typically sleep in the buff. Once I was dressed, I sighed and started plodding to Taya’s room, already fearing the discussion I knew was to come.

When I pushed the door open, she looked over at me with a very blushed face, a towel of some kind in the middle of the bed and her tail between her legs.

“We need to talk,” I said in a tired voice.

“I… I didn’t mean to! I don’t know how it happened…”

“Didn’t mean to what?” Now I was confused. She couldn’t have known that I was in her dream.

“W-wet the bed… I’ve never done it before, I swear!”

“…Sit down, Taya. It’s time we had a talk.” She swallowed and looked away before sitting on the floor, not wanting to touch the bed. “Alright, what do you know about a mare’s reproductive system?”

“…What?”

“Didn’t think so. Taya, when a mare gets her cutie mark, she starts going into heat. This is when her body craves the attentions of a stallion. You didn’t ‘wet the bed.’ You had a sensual dream and during it, you had an orgasm. Mares and stallions both release some fluids when that happens.”

“So that’s why I feel really warm… back there?”

“Yes. You probably also feel like you need something but you likely don’t know what.”

She slowly nodded. “And you can help, right? You’re a stall—er, man. You can help me, right daddy?”

I shook my head. “No. The only real way to help is giving you what you need, which is something I can’t do.”

“Why not?!” she demanded, jumping to her hooves. “Don’t you help all the other mares with their problems?”

I held up placating hands. “Taya, there’s a concept called incest wherein two people in the same family have sex. It’s illegal, immoral, and fucked up. I’m not going to do that.”

She shook her head, glaring at me. “What’s so wrong with it? If it’s something I need and it’s something you can do to help me, how can it be wrong?”

“Because that would be like using my position of power over you to take advantage of you. I wouldn’t do that to you, Taya.”

“But I’m the one asking you to do it! You don’t even want to. It’s not taking advantage of me if you don’t even want to do it.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she just kept on going. “And since when have you ever cared about something being immoral or ‘fucked up’? You do whatever you want, whenever you want. What’s stopping you from helping me now?”

“My personal morals. I have a few of them left, and not having sex with family is one of those morals that I have. I will not change my mind, Taya.”

Like someone flipped a switch in her mind, her entire posture shifted and she looked up at me with teary eyes. “Please, daddy! I need this... What do I need to do to make you help me?”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Taya. There’s nothing you can do. I’ll ask around, see what mares do when they’re in heat to distract themselves.”

Taya’s ears twitched. “B-but... It hurts! I’ll do anything, daddy! Just make that horrible feeling go away!”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t. And I won’t. It’ll just be a few days, Taya.” And then you’ll deal with it every month or so for the rest of your life. “I’m sure you can keep your mind occupied.”

She slumped to the floor, her eyes closing and ears falling against her head. “Why, daddy? Do you not love me enough? It can’t be hard, can it? Just... helping me?”

“It’s that I love you at all, Taya. I don’t want to do that to you. It would be like... stealing, in a way.”

“Then steal away,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t tell.”

“But we’d both know. And we both know that stealing is wrong. I will help you get through this, but I won’t do it in the way that you want. Remember, Taya: I do and always will love you. But don’t think that means I can solve all of your problems. I can help, but some things you just have to do for yourself.” She didn’t seem overly cheered up by that, which is definitely understandable. It’s good advice that I wish my parents had given me, though. “Now you need to get ready for the day. And if you’re planning on going outside, you need to wear a dress.” She flinched. “I know, I know. Trust me, there’s a reason.”

I waited a second for a response. When none came, I started walking to the door. With a hand on the handle, she whispered, “Daddy?” I looked back to find that she was looking up at me. “I love you...”

“I love you too, honey.” With those words hanging in the air, I let myself out. Closing the door behind me, I took a moment to consider what to do.

“That could have gone much worse,” Flo said. “You’re getting better at this.”

I don’t know if that’s a compliment. I started walking to Cadance’s room, knowing she would probably be able to help Taya more than anyone else in the house. I don’t know if changelings have heat, and if they do, Doppel probably spent her time pulling a train while Eva didn’t know how to deal with it. Either way, Taya probably wouldn’t want their advice. She might trust Cadance enough, though.

So it was that I gently knocked on her door. I didn’t want to risk waking up her brat, after all. She eased it open a few seconds later, looking at me with tired eyes. “What do you need, Nav?” she wearily asked.

“Taya’s going through her first heat. How do I help keep her under control?”

She blinked a few times, too tired for it to instantly click. When understanding came to her mind, her eyes slammed open. “I need to go talk to her!”

“Whoa, there.” I stopped her from running out of the door with a finger to her nose. “We need to talk about some things, first. Taya seems to be relatively uneducated about how some things work. Like incest. She was sitting there, pleading with me to fuck her. I tried explaining why it was wrong, but I don’t think she understood. So if you can help her understand why I can’t make her needs go away, that would be nice.”

“That’s… really awkward, Nav. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s disturbing and frankly scary to know that Taya wants me to do that to her, but I understand that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. And she’s in heat, making her mind go a little crazy.”

“If you’re sure… Is there anything else you want me to say?”

“I was planning on giving her the whole sex talk later, when her mind isn’t so clouded. On the off chance she doesn’t know how it works, I’d rather not tell her while she’s possibly willing to try it.”

“Should she really have that talk with her father? Or any stallion? I think somepony who knows what she feels might be better.”

“I have gender changing stones, Cadance. I know what she feels.”

“You aren’t a mare, though.”

“I have been one. You forget that I was dating Luna, who apparently has rape fantasies.”

“…Well you weren’t one for long. I just don’t think it would be smart for you to have that talk with her.”

“You’d sugarcoat everything and flinch around topics. Remember, I don’t have any shame. I’d tell her things as they are.”

“Fine. But I want to be there when you’re talking to her, just in case.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. Just go talk to her now so she doesn’t freak out and try dry humping something.”

“Alright. Just as long as you can watch Skyla for a few minutes, that is.”

“…Okay.” It’s just a few minutes and Skyla was asleep anyway. “Just hurry back. You know your spawn hates me.”

“Maybe if you were nicer, she wouldn’t.” Cadance brushed past me and walked down the hall to Taya’s room as I stepped inside, looking at the crib. No movement. Excellent. I slowly crept down to Cadance’s bed, making no sounds at all. Give her no reason to wake up and she won’t move.

“Nav, you’re really overreacting. Yes, she despises you and everything you stand for, but she’s just a baby. You can probably win her affections with a piece of candy or something.”

Hey little girl, I got some nice candy for you right here! Just come on in my van and I’ll let you have alllll you want…

“That’s disgusting.”

What’s wrong with free candy?

“Ugh. You’re horrible, Nav.”

You know you love me. She didn’t deign to give that an answer. I just sat there, staring at the crib in silence until Cadance got back. Seems karma finally paid me back by nothing happening with the little brat. Cadance motioned for me to follow her into the hall, so we wouldn’t wake Skyla by talking. I didn’t have any problems with that, so I joined her out there.

“I spoke with her. I think she’ll be more agreeable to deal with now. The first heat is always the worst, and it always gets worse until it ends, so you’ll definitely want to keep her distracted. I gave her a few methods of doing that, but I don’t know if she’ll follow them.”

I nodded. “And I’ll go ask Applejack and Rarity how they dealt with their sisters their first time. I’m sure between their suggestions and yours, I can figure out something that’ll work for Taya.”

“Good. And it’s also good to see you taking an interest in this. From what I’ve heard, most fathers tend to avoid the subject of heat with their daughters entirely.”

“Well, who else is supposed to do anything with her about it? I’m all she has and I’m not about to make her go through this alone.”

“I am very happy to hear that, Nav. Now I’ll just let you go; I need to get ready for the day. Taya’s going with you to talk to Rarity and Applejack, I think.”

“Alright. It’s probably for the best that she isn’t alone for too long anyway. I told her to put on a dress. Is that a good idea?”

“Yeah. For the first time, it’s good to cover that area. She’d probably be pretty embarrassed by everypony being able to tell and the smell would be pretty strong for any stallions nearby, though everypony near here should be used to it by now; this is a mare town, after all.” I don’t remember if I mentioned this, but the population in this world is relatively stratified so heat cycles don’t mess everyone up so much. Mares and stallions tend to live in different towns. Thus, in a place like Ponyville, you end up with a larger number of lesbians. In a place like Stalliongrad, you’ll find more gays. The population still manages to balance out pretty evenly, though I haven’t figured out how, yet.

“I’m going to do my best to teach her not to be embarrassed by it. It’s biology, not something to hide. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. I need to get ready to go out.”

“And I need to deal with Skyla. See you later, Nav, and good luck.”

I went on back to my room and considered what all I’d take with me. With the chilly autumn winds in the air, I threw my leather jacket over my back, twitching my wings around under it until they were comfortable. I grabbed my sword and slid it onto my back, just in case. And finally, I put on some shoes; I didn’t want to walk out to the farm barefoot, after all.

When I was good and ready, I went downstairs to wait for Taya. Mimeo beat her down the stairs. He took a look at me and then my jacket before shrugging and saying, “I’m hungry, Navarone.”

“And?”

“I want to eat.” I crossed my arms and waited. After about half a minute, he continued, “Would you please feed me?” He didn’t sound overly enthusiastic and I knew he only asked because the others demanded it of him, but I wasn’t going to hold that against him.

I just reached down there and grabbed him right under his front legs, lifting him up next to my head. “Go on, then.” His horn lit up that ugly green color and he began feeding. A minute later, he stopped and just continued staring at me. “Is it strange that I kinda find you guys adorable?” I asked holding him up like that.

“Yes,” he answered in a flat voice. “I don’t think our looks were meant to be any kind of cute.”

“Huh. You just look huggable, to me.” He didn’t reply to that, so I just set him back down. When he was safely on the floor, he immediately walked away without a word.

Flo sighed. “Nav, do you really think it’s smart to scare him like that?”

Maybe not, but it’s funny.

“You should know by now that funny things aren’t usually good ideas.”

She had a point, but I’m not just going to stop having fun like that. Anyway, the arrival of Taya in a cute little dress saved me from further explanation. “You want to eat before we leave?” I asked her.

“No. I just want to go and get back.”

“Then let’s go. Applejack should already be awake, so we’ll visit her first.”

“Okay.” I rolled my eyes and led the way out. She followed much closer to me than usual and actually walked by my side when we got outside. We walked in silence for half a minute before she asked, “So where did you get the jacket?” Her voice sounded a little higher and more frantic than usual.

“Back home. This is one of the things I was able to bring back with me. Do you remember how you said you wanted to talk to Flo one day?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Want to talk to her now? She can hijack my body for a few minutes while we’re walking out here.”

“Uh… Okay. That seems weird, though.”

Feel free to take over, Flo. I relaxed and let her out. When I was back in her glade, I just summoned a large heart-shaped bed with red velvety blankets, dropped some rose petals on and around it, and curled up on it. I figured whatever they were talking about wasn’t something I was supposed to be hearing.

After about fifteen minutes, Flo got my attention with, “Nav, what are you even doing?”

“Just chillin’. I’ve always wanted to see what one of these beds was like. Shame I don’t have any company. You two done?”

“No, but we’re here. I figured it prudent to give you back control.”

“You figured right.” I hopped off the bed and rolled my shoulders. “So?” The next time I blinked, I was back in the real world. “And I’m back,” I said. Taya didn’t reply.

We were already at the farmhouse. I saw Applejack pulling a cart loaded with tools out of the barn. She waved when she saw us walking toward her. “What brings y’all around here?” she asked, pushing her hat back with a hoof.

“Need some advice. How did you deal with Applebloom when her first heat hit?”

She winced, looking down at Taya for a second before back up to me. “Uh… Come on, Nav. Taya, you… wait here. Won’t be but a second, I promise.” Taya sighed as Applejack shrugged out of her harness and led me into the barn. “What’re you doing, asking me a question like that in front of her?” she harshly whispered.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I said, crossing my arms. “It’s natural, a part of every mare’s body. There’s no shame to be had in natural functions.”

“But it’s real embarrassing to talk about it like that in the open!”

“Only if you were raised to be embarrassed by it. Taya didn’t even know what heat was. She doesn’t know she should be embarrassed by it and I see no reason to drill that mindset into her.”

She just shook her head. “Alright, Nav. I don’t suggest it, but you’re her father. But dealing with Applebloom was pretty dang easy. I gave her a toy and locked her in her room for a few hours.”

…

“Just to be sure, when you say toy—”

“Yep. I… I don’t think she really knew what to do with it, though. She was a mite confused when I let her out, but she still calmed down.”

“…Where would I even get something like that?” She looked away and mumbled something. “Oh, come on, AJ. Don’t tell me that you of all people are shy about this.”

She sighed. “Fine. You didn’t hear this from me, though. It’s a place called The Crop. I’m surprised you ain’t heard about it yourself. It’s all the way in Canterlot, though.”

“So… cucumber?”

“Cucumber. Just make sure she knows what she’s doing, as awkward as that would be. And Nav? This is really, really weird. Even for you.”

“Then if anyone asks, we never had this conversation. That make you happy?”

“I kinda wanna forget it even happened… It just seems strange for a dad to be doin’ something like this.”

“I’d rather teach her myself than risk her running into a colt that doesn’t know what he’s doing and hurts her or gets her pregnant. This way, I’m certain she’ll be safe.”

“Well… yeah. But don’t it seem the least bit wrong to you?”

“Yeah, but I love her enough that I’m willing to go through a little awkwardness if it means helping her. Now I need to get on down to the market. Have a good day and let me know if you need anything.”

“We probably won’t need your help until harvest, but I’ll let you know if that changes. Talk to you later.” I stepped on out of the barn and nodded at Taya to follow me. She fell into step next to me as we headed into town.

“So what did she say?”

“We’ll talk about it when we get home. We just need to hit up the market and then we can go back.”

“What about talking to everyone else?”

“Applejack’s advice will work just fine, I think. And if not, we can go back into town and find someone else.”

“…Alright, if you’re sure. I just want this feeling to go away.”

“From everything I’ve heard, this’ll help.”

“Okay… Can I talk to Flo some more?”

“Sure.” You know what to do. I rode into town in my mind, relaxing on a nice, warm bed.

…And when I woke back up, we were walking through my gate. What the hell? What happened?

“All you needed was a cucumber and some other groceries. We got them and went home,” Flo answered.

Never do that again. I don’t want to lose that much time without knowing what’s going on. I thought I was going to be the one buying things!

“Very well, Nav. I apologize. I’ll remember that, next time.” I just snorted and pulled the door open.

“Alright, Taya. Wait in your room. I’ll be up there in a minute or two.”

“Okay, daddy…”

The good thing about all that time to myself was being able to come up with a better plan than trying to explain how everything worked myself. When Taya was up the stairs, I called out, “Doppel, where are you?” She came in from the study with Mimeo in tow.

“What do you need, master?”

“I need you to teach Taya something. How good are you at masturbating?”

“The best. Why?”

“Right. Mimeo, you do whatever. Doppel, come on.” She just sighed and followed me up the stairs while Mimeo went back into the study. “Long story short, Taya’s in heat and she doesn’t know how anything down there works. I would show her, but I think that would be pretty damn awkward. Can you teach her how to relieve herself?”

“Sure. And don’t worry, Nav; I won’t do anything you’d disapprove of, aside from borrowing a little bit of that residual lust in the air. You do have something for me to work with, right?”

“On such short notice, I don’t have much. Just a few cucumbers of various sizes.”

She nodded. “I can make that work, but you’ll have to get her something better later.”

“I will. I just don’t want to go too far out of town while she’s like this.”

“She’ll be fine, Nav. Taya’s too smart to do something stupid.”

“Still, I’d rather not take any chances.” She just shrugged. Since Taya’s door was already open, we just let ourselves inside. She was standing next to the bed, looking very nervous. “Taya, Doppel here is going to teach you how to help yourself with this. I would, but I really think you would be better off if she taught you. Okay?”

“…Okay, daddy.” She looked over at Doppel. “So what do I do?” I set the grocery bag down and walked to the door. “Where are you going?” Taya asked.

“This isn’t something I should watch, Taya,” I answered. “Just listen to Doppel and do as she says. Trust me.”

“Alright…” She looked somewhat dubious, but willing to try it. I nodded and walked on out, closing the door behind me.

“It’s good to see you trusting Doppel more,” Flo said. “But are you sure this much is wise?”

I don’t want Taya to get hurt and I don’t think it would be a good idea to teach her myself. I reckon this is the best option I have.

“Very well. I’m sure this will probably calm her down, at the very least.”

I hope so…

It did.

Chapter Eighty-Five—No, Nav. You are the demons.

Chapter Eighty-Five—No, Nav. You are the demons.

The rest of harvest went swimmingly. I got my percentage of the crops and part of it went to the airship to be stored for later use while some of it was kept at my house. Coffee takes a while to prepare, so I didn’t have any of that for immediate use, sadly.

Cadance left immediately after harvest. We all tried to get her to go home sooner, but she refused to leave a job half finished. Braeburn didn’t stick around much longer; he left a day after she did.

And so things returned to normal for my little dysfunctional family. Diamond Tiara finally stopped fucking around and actually taught Eva to read. All the hints I dropped that I knew Diamond was only taking so long because she wanted an excuse to get into my house finally got through her skull.

The horrible nightmares I gave her helped, I think.

November flew by easily enough, though Doppel was very curious about why I was so insistent on cuddling with her for a week—I’m not so quick to forget Luna’s estrus cycle, not after what happened to me. I refused to be alone during that week. And despite Flo’s looking, we didn’t see hide nor tail of that air elemental. December soon set in with the cold only it can provide.

And with December’s cold entrance came the first sign that trouble was brewing: I opened the beleaguered door to find Rarity standing in front of me in a warm looking scarf and little else. If I know what’s best for me, I think I’d slam this door shut. “What do you need, Rarity?” I sighed, crossing my arms as the warm air inside began leaking out the door.

“Not even going to invite me in?” she tittered. I just lifted an eyebrow. “Fine, fine. I just happen to have a long week off coming up and I was wondering... Do you remember the idea for a little competition you had some time ago?”

“No, I don’t. And I’m sure if I don’t remember it, it probably can’t be that important.”

“Oh, on the contrary! It sounded quite interesting. If I recall, it was a politeness competition, or something of that nature. We would swap personalities for the day and be judged by our peers upon who was more accurate.”

“Not ringing any bells. If that’s all, I was kinda in the middle of something.” No I wasn’t. I was just looking for something to do, at this point; it was too cold to easily practice sword fighting, so I sent the naga home to see his family before we left for the trip.

“I believe it was during the wedding...?”

“Which one?” I asked, scratching at the chin hairs that were coming in.

“The royal one between Cadance and Shining Armor, of course. Surely you remember!”

“That would be why I don’t remember, actually. If you’ll recall, I was struck by several mental spells at that time. I don’t remember shit about that wedding. Like, it’s just a blank hole in my mind at this point. Why would you just bring this up now, of all times?”

“Well, you’ve been sitting at home for a while now. I don’t think anypony’s seen you in town in weeks. You obviously aren’t doing anything and I have a week off coming up. I figured we could both use some excitement!”

“...And you didn’t stop to think about how this would ruin your reputation, if you acted how you think I act?”

“That’s the beauty of my plan, Nav! I have an idea that’ll work out so that neither of us will be impacted negatively, as long as we both stick to our characters.”

I sighed, having a feeling I was going to regret the next words out of my mouth. “I’m listening.”

She grinned and said, “Do you remember that time Twilight messed up a spell all those years ago?” I let the silence build for a few seconds before she realized what she just said. “The time when she made you swap bodies, I mean. I believe you entered Taya’s body.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that.”

“Then you should also remember that I know the spell that Twilight used to swap the bodies around in the first place. I know it and I can cast it. If I use that, we can turn into each other perfectly! Then we just get somepony to act as judges for each of us and we won’t have to worry about ruining my—or our—reputations. Everypony wins.”

“...Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Oh posh! What’s the worst that could happen? I’m sure this’ll be quite fun, don’t you agree?”

Well, seeing what it’s like to be Rarity would be somewhat interesting. And hell, I was looking for fucking anything to take my mind off the unrelenting boredom I was feeling. So I foolishly shrugged. “Alright, I’m in. How do you want to do this?”

“It’s quite simple, really. Each of us will plan things that the other can do during the day. Somepony we know very well will follow each of us around and rate us based on how we did at those tasks. At the end of the day, we’ll get back together and decide the winner!”

“Cool, that sounds easy enough. So Taya’s going to be following you around in my body?”

“Yes, should you choose to use Taya. I will probably use Sweetie Belle. I would use Fluttershy, but she wouldn’t be very useful as a judge. Oooh, this is going to be so much fun!”

I held up a hand. “Hold on, now. You can’t be requiring me to do something like making a dress. Nothing that we’ll be doing should require us to know skills that the other doesn’t know.”

“I’m aware, Nav. The things I have planned will be very easy, trust me. All you have to do is stay in character and stay on schedule.”

“Awesome. Just so I’m sure: You know how to fly, right? I remember hearing stories about you with wings.”

She nodded. “I have... some practice with it, yes. But Taya can’t fly, can she?”

“Maybe. It was just a thought. Let me know when you want to do this and give me the schedule beforehand so we can make sure the activities don’t conflict.”

“Of course. I must say, it’s a surprise you actually agreed to this. I figured you wouldn’t be interested at all.”

“Rarity, I’m bored out of my fucking mind right now. The only things I have left to do are write more books that almost no one reads, continue hunting the forest dry, or continue building things. My house is almost empty, so I lost most sources of entertainment. I’m grasping at whatever I can find to keep myself entertained.”

“...You know, everypony in town would love it if you visited more often. Every time we do anything together, we always debate inviting you, but we realize that you’re a knight with important duties. If we knew you were this bored, we would have found ways to keep you entertained.”

“Knight, my ass. I haven’t heard word from Luna since Nightmare Night. Even in the world of dreams, she’s been silent.”

“...World of dreams?”

“Yeah. Being Luna’s knight and having helped her with something a while back means I’m able to do the dream walking shit she does. I’ve been helping her police nightmares for two months or so now. Hell, I’ve even pulled you out of one or two.” That I ‘accidentally’ caused.

“Huh. I trust I won’t be required to do anything with that?”

“Of course not. It takes hours of training even to be able to get out of your own dream. Just trust me when I say that it would be best if we swap back before nightfall.”

“Why is that?”

“What part of ‘just trust me’ do you find hard to understand? It would be bad for me to fall asleep in any body that isn’t this one.”

“Very well... I wasn’t planning on making it last that long anyway. Now, I need to go make plans! Tata for now!” And with that, Rarity began trotting away, her tail bouncing to and fro as she merrily went on her way.

I closed the door, wondering just what exactly I got myself into this time. Then I shrugged and began thinking of what exactly I could get Rarity into this time...

Rarity came by the next day with a schedule and a small list of rules and conditions. “I believe your day should be relatively easy,” she said with a smile as she made herself comfortable on my couch.

I looked over the rules and conditions first. “Let’s see... No going out of Ponyville unless it’s an emergency, sure. Nothing violent?” I looked up and saw her giving me a flat look. “Fair enough.” My gaze moved back down to the rules. “No sex. Good, you better not take advantage of my virginal body.” She snorted as I kept reading. “No purposefully besmirching each other’s name. No shit.” That was it for rules. “What happens if one of these is broken?”

“The contestant that breaks the rule forfeits, of course.”

“Go figure. Is the winner actually going to get something?”

She sweetly grinned. “If I win... you have to do something I want you to.”

“And if I win?”

“A public admittance of what Pinkie and I did. Well, what I did. I won’t drag Pinkie down with me.”

“...Deal, as long as whatever you request doesn’t hurt me.”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. It’ll even be good for you, though I imagine you won’t agree at first.”

“Oh God, I bet you want me to read more of that anime bullshit. Or cosplay, since I’m the only human you have. But I already agreed. Let’s see the schedule...” I pulled it up and started reading over it. “Spa with Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle. Hm, are they going to comment on Sweetie being there?”

“Of course not. I occasionally bring her. And she does have to be your judge, after all.”

Shrugging, I continued reading. “Shopping. Write me out a list and I’ll have no problems. Cup of tea with Twilight, easy enough. Some time to freshen up and maybe some house cleaning—you just want to pawn your cleaning off on me, I bet. And finally, a picnic with all your friends. Easy day. I don’t usually make schedules... but I’ll see what I can do. Quick question: Do you consider Applejack’s farm and Fluttershy’s pad part of Ponyville?”

“Well, technically. But remember: All that time walking comes out of the time I could be in town, losing.”

“Noted. Speaking of that, you’ll have to practice walking. Tripping over your feet and busting my face means serious points docked, since I wouldn’t do that. Anyway, I’ll get a schedule to you in a few days. When are we doing this?”

“In one week from today. I shall be over here early in the morning, so I may get some practice walking before the day begins properly.”

“Cool. Oh, and no taking advantage of having a maid. I’ll give Doppel the day off so you can’t abuse her with your spastic needs.”

“I... actually hadn’t thought of that. But don’t you take advantage of her all the time?” she coyly asked. “And aren’t I supposed to act like you?”

I gave her a dirty grin. “You said sex was against the rules. That’s how I take advantage of her.”

“Well... I admit to being curious about some aspects of a different body... But I wouldn’t do anything without your permission and definitely not before the competition is over!”

“Eh, I’ll give you a BJ before we turn back. Fair warning: my body has deadened physical contact because of nerve damage and being part tree.”

“How... Well, I suppose I could try it... As long as you don’t tell anypony, of course.”

“You of all people know that I’m relatively discreet. Don’t you worry about a thing. You need anything else while you’re here?”

“Well...” She looked around the room, her eyes focusing on the window. “I’ve been meaning to say something. Don’t take this the wrong way, Nav, but... your drapes are awful. Green is such a spring color! So much of your house is like that.... I’ll admit the building is imposing, but there’s so much you could do to fix it!”

“Rarity, no one even comes out here to visit all that often. Aside from you, I’ve only had Derpy coming by to drop the mail off as company for around a week now. Until then, it was only Spike every few days for nearly a month.”

“Well... you do live a rather long distance out of town. But that’s no excuse for you not coming into town yourself. Or for your house not looking the best it could look!”

I shrugged. “It’s easy to fall into old habits. Back in my world, I was a recluse. With no excuses to deal with people, I didn’t deal with them. And without Twilight or Cadance forcing me to do shit, I don’t have any reason to deal with people. So here I am.”

“That’s quite... depressing, Nav. You know that Twilight would let you move back in with her if you asked, right? I think anypony would. But you’d probably have to get rid of your changelings, or find rooms for them elsewhere.”

“I’m not bemoaning my fate, Rarity. I knew what would happen when I moved out here. I’m quite alright with it. Besides, now that I’ve actually started supplementing more of my diet with meat, I’ve been feeling healthier and stronger. I wouldn’t be able to do that in town, nor would I be able to help Spike do the same.”

Her gaze narrowed slightly. “You shouldn’t be giving Spike meat, Nav. For Celestia’s sake, he’s just a...” She caught her own mistake without me needing to remind her, making her look away. “I suppose he isn’t a foal anymore, is he? And he is definitely a dragon... A meat eater. I just wish I had seen it all sooner.” She looked down and depressed for some reason.

“Oh well, them’s the breaks. Though I don’t know how you didn’t realize that he was a meat eater. I mean, that should be obvious.”

“You know what I meant! He always was such a gentlecolt... Though I suppose it’s better we each find somepony of our own race.”

“Yeah, have fun with that. I sure won’t have any problems finding me a human wife, I bet.”

“Nav, you know I don’t count you in that. Although it probably wouldn’t be that hard to go back in time again and find somepo—one willing to come back with you.”

“Wouldn’t matter if I could or couldn’t. I’m effectively sterile. Nothing I can do would get a human pregnant. Well, unless I ate that fruit from the Everfree.”

She blinked in surprise. “Fruit? What fruit?”

I shrugged. “Some kind of pink banana or something. If you eat it, you’ll go crazy and rape the first thing of the opposite gender you see. According to Zecora, that will result in a pregnancy, no matter the races.”

“That is... interesting. Why didn’t I know about that?”

“Because Twilight and I haven’t exactly told many people. Something like that could be used as a weapon. And God, just imagine the horrors a half pony, half griffin would face. Although it would be pretty funny if a unicorn fucked a griffin and had a unicorn with griffin wings. I wonder if the kid would be crowned royalty...”

Rarity giggled. “Maybe. There are few enough alicorns... Though I don’t know if we really need more royalty. That would be up to Celestia, though. And Luna, I suppose. It’s still strange to think of there being two princesses in charge.”

“And Cadance.”

“Yes, but what does she actually do, aside from make public appearances?”

“Live in my house and be annoying. Or at least, she used to. Going on two months now without having her here. It’s been... quiet.”

“Oh? Do you miss her?”

“Well, I definitely miss her cooking. I’m not bad at it and neither is Taya, but we’re not her. Doppel can’t cook worth a damn, though. Probably because she doesn’t have a working nose or tastebuds. I’m afraid to allow Eva or any of her personalities near the stove.”

“Why is that? Are you still worried about her possibly hurting you?”

“Nah, I’m over that. No, I just realized that I never asked exactly how old she was when I decided to take her in. I thought she was just small. Turns out she’s just a little older than Taya—not that they ever gave me a year age, of course. And she is, of course, a lot less mature. The other three are better and mostly older, but they still have the whole changeling problem.”

Rarity shuddered thinking about it. “I don’t think I could manage having different ponies in my mind like that...”

“It isn’t really different people. They’re all just different aspects of the same person. Like, say you split your mind up. You could put your creativity and work ethic in one place, your childishness and carefreeness in another, and your mature mindset in a third. That way you wouldn’t be distracted as easily when working on a dress and the moment you get a visitor, you can switch to your mature mindset while your creative mind stays on task, designing the dress in your head.”

“I... suppose I could see the use in that. But it would still be very strange. I just don’t think it would be something I’d want to do. I’m surprised Twilight hasn’t come to talk your ear off about it yet.”

“She has. Multiple times. When I don’t tell her how I did it with Eva, she gets quite upset and leaves in a huff before I could explain anything else. She’s more interested in how it works than why it works and what can be done with it, which I suppose makes sense. The whys and the uses aren’t very helpful if she can’t replicate it.”

“Then why don’t you tell her?”

“Because it has to do with a certain trip you invited yourself along on. I thought it prudent that Twilight not learn about some aspects of our vacation.”

“I still don’t see why it matters if they know. But I trust your judgment on the matter. Aside from spreading the wonders of anime, I haven’t said a word about it. And you know, much of the fandom would be quite pleased if you were to visit a little convention we were thinking about putting together.”

“You couldn’t pay me enough to make me go to spaghettifest: pony edition. If you want me to go, you better win the competition thing we have going on and make that your request.”

“Very well... though I heard Princess Luna might make an appearance. I imagine she would be pleased if her knight was there.”

“Don’t care, not going. I absolutely do not want to be squeed over or glomped or anything else you mouthbreathers do.”

“...Mouthbreather? Navarone, I believe you are projecting prejudices from your world over to this world. I can assure you that you would be given the utmost of respect. You might be requested to do a few things, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t mind doing.”

“Don’t care, still not going. God, I bet your request would be me using the gender stones and dressing up as a schoolgirl to get ‘raped’ in a reenactment. You have just the kind of mind that would think of that, you dirty girl.”

She jerked back when I said that, blushing up a storm. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or flustered. “I would not do that! That is just... ugh, disgusting!” She paused for a moment, looking away and muttering. Eventually she said, “Although... Well, Princess Luna’s hair... I know it can be done after that horrid business with Princess Celestia and Fleur a while back. Seriously, what ever could have come over her!? Did you ever talk to her about that?”

I shrugged. “She brought it up once or twice. Seemed rather upset by it. I probably would be too, all things told. She said that her personal business was just that: Personal. It isn’t the business of everyone what or who she does in her spare time.”

“But to have an affair with a married mare! I imagine that scandal will follow her for some time.”

“Probably. She should have known better than to do it on the ground floor, where she would be easily accessed by cameras. Though I suppose that makes the affair all the more risqué and enjoyable.”

“Speaking from experience, hm?” she slyly asked.

“No, of co—Wait, shit. I did have illicit relations with a maid in the same room, but I had a very good reason. She was blackmailing me at the time and I was in a hurry. I don’t think she was married, thankfully. It was just a good fingering, either way.”

Rarity face-hooved. “Nav, you can be so... Celestia, just awful. What was she even blackmailing you with?”

“I was using that room for a prank on the princesses. She caught me in the middle of it and promised she wouldn’t go to Celestia if I proved a rumor for her. One thing led to another and next thing I knew I was hands deep in a mare. These things happen.”

“I... I need to go before I say something I might regret.” She hopped off the couch. “Do remember to make me a schedule, Nav. If I had to play one of your days by ear, I believe that all I would know to do was chase after mares. And,” she finished with a grin, “stallions.”

“Hey, Braeburn was a one time thing. After he couldn’t walk for an hour, he said no more. I figured it would be best if I kept my eyes on one side of the fence.”

“I see. That is certainly good to hear. I already hear some angry mumbles from stallions about you. It would be quite disappointing if the already small number of available stallions in Ponyville dropped because of your habits.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now out you go.”

She sniffled, faking tears. “Just... throw me out into the cold! I see how it is. No, don’t get up on my account! I shall see my unwanted self out!” I just shrugged and leaned back into my seat, crossing my arms behind my head. She huffed and trotted a few steps before eyeing me. “Aren’t you going to convince me to stay?”

“Hey, you were the one that said you were going. I was just expediting the process.”

She seemed to deflate. “Very well... I have many things to do before my week off anyway. I will see you later, Navarone.”

“Have fun, Rarity.” I was already trying to think of ways to make her suffer.

As she let herself out, Flo whispered, “You shouldn’t go too hard on her. Remember, she’ll be in a new body. With me.”

Oh shit, I forgot about that! You can’t go with me, can you?

“I can’t, not without letting Rarity know that I exist. Hiding from her will be no problem, however. And I can even ensure that she does not harm your body, though stopping her from doing something would inform her that she isn’t alone in this body.”

“I’d rather have your secret out than get my body hurt by someone that doesn’t know how to use it. I can explain it away to Rarity, as long as she isn’t too vocal about her surprise. Just tell her you’re a human machine, if it comes to that. She’ll probably buy it.”

“Alright. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Are you sure you’ll be fine on your own for a few hours?”

“...Really? Flo, I’m not helpless. I like having you there to support me, but I don’t think I’ll have many problems.”

“Many of my previous hosts felt the same way, but whenever I left their minds, they always felt... hollow for some time. Hollow and alone.”

“Well, I already agreed to it. I’m sure I’ll be fine. And if not, it’ll probably be for only a few hours. It’s nice to finally have all bases covered.”

If only that had been the case...

The day of reckoning was clear as far as my eyes could see and according to Dash, there was no bad weather planned for a good long while. It was still fucking cold—what, did you expect it to be warm in December?—but at least it wasn’t raining. Given that most of the activities I could think of for Rarity to do in my body took place outside, it was good that I knew I probably wouldn’t get sick.

“Are you sure about this?” Taya asked, flopping down on the couch.

“Hey, I’m really bored here. And don’t say you aren’t, either. I figure this is a good way to get us out of the house for a little while.”

Before she could say anything else, Doppel came down the stairs, wearing a nice little sun dress—having a carapace means you don’t have to care about the cold, I guess. Ganger followed along behind her, not wearing anything. “So what’s the occasion, Master?” Doppel asked.

“I figured we could all do with getting into town for the day. Ganger doesn’t get around much and you haven’t had a day off since the last time you did. And maybe you can show him how to blend in better when in town. I’m expecting a visitor and shortly after she departs, so will Taya and I. Feel free to head on into town.”

“Alright. Come along, Ganger.” She smacked him with her tail, not even looking back. Given how much he seemed to like her, she probably knew how close he would be.

“See you later, Nav,” Ganger said, looking back at the door. I grinned and winked, hoping he might get lucky. Although... a pregnant maid might be a liability. Still, Doppel is probably smart enough to avoid that. Either way, out my two changelings went, leaving the house with just me, Taya, and Freki.

“I know you’re bored,” Taya continued, “but it still doesn’t seem like a good idea. What if something happens?”

“Then it happens. With you and Flo watching my body, it should be fine. And I’m smart enough to avoid trouble in Rarity’s body. Everything should be okay.”

“Daddy, how many times have you said that?”

“A bunch.”

“And how many times did things end up being okay?”

“Hey, I’m still here, aren’t I?”

I’m pretty sure she was going to keep going, but a knock at the door interrupted her. I grinned at her and went to go get it, letting Rarity and Sweetie Belle inside. “Wow, it looks almost exactly the same!” Sweetie exclaimed when she got to the den.

“When have you ever been in here?” I asked.

“Pinkie’s party here, when you first had it built. Almost nothing changed... aside from the thing on the mantle up there.”

“The box with the flashlight? Yeah, that’s a few months old. I don’t put much stock in personal effects. Doesn’t seem like anyone else here does either.”

“...It doesn’t really feel like a home without them,” Sweetie sighed.

“Hush, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity hastily said. “So are you ready, Nav?”

“Yeah. You’ll have to draw up the summoning circle, though. We can use the naga’s room in the cellar for that. He isn’t here and won’t be for another week or two, probably.”

“Very well, then. Lead the way.”

I hopped back up from my seat and started walking to the back. “What’s a flashlight?” Sweetie asked before I could go very far.

“A human invention used to shine light in the dark.” I walked over to the mantle and pulled down the box Cadance gave me, opening it. “This here’s the royal savior star.” Rarity and Sweetie both gasped as the room lit up brightly. I grabbed it, turning the light a dim green, and set the box aside. “Basically just a glorified flashlight. Catch.” I tossed it at Rarity.

She caught it with her magic, turning the crystal a bright blue. “Interesting... So the color depends on the pony holding it?”

“As far as I can tell.”

“What’s it made of?”

“Fuck all if I know. Anyway, let’s get on with this. Freki, you’re on house guarding duties. Anyone that doesn’t belong tries to break in, make them sincerely regret it.” Rarity flew the star over to my hands and I tossed it back in the box, closing it with a snap. All of us but the moody wolf finally set off for the dark depths of my home with me at the head.

“At least the kitchen feels warmer,” Sweetie Belle idly commented as we walked, looking over the decorations that Cadance had put up in her time there.

“Cadance got bored of looking at empty walls,” I replied, opening the door to the cellar. “Mind your step. If you trip, you’ll bump into me, and I don’t want to break anything.”

“Thanks for the concern,” Rarity dryly said, following me and Taya into the darkness. “Though a light would be useful.”

“Damn, I always forget about that. There’s a switch by the kitchen door. I can see in the dark, so I don’t usually notice.” After a second, a light flickered on, shrouding the room with shadows. Still, it cut back the darkness enough that the three of them could get down.

“What’s all this junk?” Sweetie Belle asked, poking at a hunk of wood.

“Some of them are failed experiments. Some of them are successful experiments. That right there is a machine that will hurl a metal pole for about five hundred meters.” Though it’s only accurate to about two hundred. “It’s currently broken down, though. I don’t think that would leave a positive impression if I left it in my yard.”

“Well, if nopony knows what it is...”

“It would be obvious if it was set up. Anyway, through here.” It amused me that Sweetie didn’t ask about the giant fucking reactor right there next to her, instead concentrating on the wood.

“Whoa! I didn’t know you had a pool!” Sweetie’s voice cracked there at the end, which I always thought was kind of adorable. “Why didn’t you tell anypony?”

“No one asked. Is this area fine, Rarity?”

“It is,” she confirmed, looking around. “I must say, I quite like it down here. It’s calm and peaceful and the lighting is nice.”

“Water feels good, too,” I said, stretching my wings. “Anyway, let’s get on with this.”

“Can we go swimming while you work?” Sweetie Belle quickly asked.

“Hey, I don’t care,” I replied. “But remember that when we leave, you’re going to be outside in the cold. You don’t want to be wet in that.”

“Oh... Don’t you have towels?”

I looked to Rarity to have her tell Sweetie to shut up, but Taya quietly said, “I can dry you off. I learned how.”

“Yay!” Sweetie jumped straight into the pool before anything else could be said.

“...I hope that water is clean,” Rarity distastefully commented.

“It’s spring fed,” I said as Sweetie Belle’s head popped out of the water and she spit some water out. “So it’s about as clean as any spring water is.”

“You two coming in?” Sweetie asked, looking at me and Taya.

Taya looked up at me. I shrugged and jerked my head at the water. She shook her head. I knelt down, wrapped my arms around her, and tossed her in, thanking the naga for making me work out. “I don’t want to get my clothes wet, sorry,” I told her as Taya surfaced, glaring at me. “Have fun, you two.” I looked back over to Rarity, who was pulling a set of saddlebags off her back. “You need any help?”

“No, I’m quite alright. I just need to make sure I get the circle right. It’ll probably take... oh, fifteen minutes.” Her horn lit up and some chalk floated out of her bag. “I haven’t drawn one of these in years.” Following the chalk was a spellbook. “Now, let’s get started.”

I heard a splash from behind me as Taya pulled herself out of the water. An orange glow surrounded her and all the water in her fur just fell away from her, suspended in a field of magic. She tossed it behind her, dropping it into the pool. The aura disappeared around everything except for her horn as she pulled another stick of chalk from Rarity’s bag.

“I can draw it in half that time,” she confidently said. “Go play with your sister.”

Her horn lit up brighter and Rarity was tossed into the pool, squealing as she soared over us. Taya nabbed the spellbook from the air before it could hit the floor and walked over to an open area. She immediately began drawing while opening the magic book and looking for something.

“Taya, what have I told you about acting like a bitch?” I said, crossing my arms.

“I learn by example, daddy.” She stopped flipping pages and nodded, going back to paying attention to whatever she was drawing.

“Just because I’m a dick doesn’t mean you have to be. It’s the goal of every parent to make a child that is better than they are, and I’m doing my best to make that easy for you. However, you seem to be fighting my efforts. You need to stop that shit and behave.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she absentmindedly said as she drew. I am getting sick and tired of her bitchy behavior. Just one more push. I dare you. I imagine some human punishments would teach you a lesson.

Flo sighed. “Nav, she needs to be able to walk. Don’t punish her until you get back tonight. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson today or something.”

Yeah. Right. I know Flo was getting just as tired of it, though. Yeah, I know I’m not exactly the best example, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to follow me.

Anyway, Taya got the circle done relatively quickly. Right after she did so, a shivering Rarity removed herself from the pool, dripping water and looking somewhat traumatized. Her normally very styled hair was hanging limply down her head. When Taya’s horn lit up and dried her off, Rarity’s coat immediately poofed out, standing straight up, while her hair turned into an afro.

One of her eyes twitched a few times before she snatched her bag closer and ripped a brush out of it, running it over her head first, somehow going from a fro to its normal style, and then on her coat, doing the same thing.

“We shall never speak of this again,” she flatly said, tucking the brush back into her bag. “Navarone, to the circle.” We both walked over to the runic circle that Taya drew. I sat down in it, since Rarity would probably lose her balance quickly if she transferred when I was standing. “Are you ready?”

“Nope. Do it.” She blinked, but shrugged and her horn lit up. A second later, my soul was violently ripped from its mortal husk and sent through the void into Rarity’s body. “God, why do I suddenly feel like whining?”

“And why do I suddenly feel like having sex with anypony that moves?”

I grinned at what she said. “Watch that, Rarity. I don’t say anypony.”

“And I don’t say anyone. You better not ruin me, Navarone.”

“Oh come now. Your sister is watching me. Surely she’ll be able to keep me in line.”

“...I’m sure. Now, how do I work these legs?”

“We’ll get to those. First, the fingers. Can you stretch them? And pick things up with them?”

She slowly unfurled her fingers, lifting them up to her eyes to watch them in awe. After a second, she reached over to where Taya had left the chalk, twisting her newfound fingers around them. She gasped. “It’s so rough!”

“It’s chalk, of course it’s rough. So you can grab things, good.” I walked over. “Put both hands on my back.”

She did so. “So soft!”

“Yep. This is what you spend all that time on your coat for. Now bend your knees so they’re pointing up. Push up with your hands and pull on my back.” She slowly did so, lifting herself off the ground. Soon enough, she was all the way up. “There. Now slowly let go of my back.” I stepped away as she did so.

“I’m so... tall! And Celestia, everything looks so weird! And it all sounds weird, too. I don’t really remember that back when I was you before.”

“The looking weird is because of your predator eyes. The sounding weird is because of your different ears. All of your senses are totally out of whack right now. Give it some time and you should be fine. Can you take a step?”

“I can... try.” She lifted one foot in front of her and her back leg buckled, almost sending her to the floor. Taya caught her before she smacked her head on the stone, thankfully.

“Remember, your knees don’t bend backwards anymore. Now, try again.”

“Wait, before I do... Taya, is your horn glowing?”

“Yeah, humans can see magic,” I said. “She’s the one that caught you.”

“Interesting... Thank you, Taya.” Of course, that’s when Taya dropped her. Rarity yelped as she hit the ground, a sound I’m not used to hearing from my mouth.

“No problem,” Taya answered.

“Can you stand up on your own?” I asked.

“I can try. Give me a moment.” She stretched her legs and slowly picked herself up, probably something she had watched me do in the past. “Good! Now, to walk...” She tenderly stretched a leg out, making sure her back leg didn’t crumble behind her. “I did it!” she exclaimed after going a single step.

“It’s a start. See if you can keep it up. Taya, explain this magic bullshit. How do I levitate things?”

“Basic levitation is easy,” Taya answered, lifting the chalk. “You have to know the layout of the area, though, and build the layout in your mind. Then you just concentrate on the item and imagine it moving somewhere else. Heavier items take more concentration. Twilight said it’s harder for fillies and colts to learn because they can barely concentrate. For you, it might be easier.” I closed my eyes and built the room in my mind, trying to get it as close as possible. “It’s definitely easier when your eyes are open, especially if someone is moving.”

“And you talking isn’t helping,” I said, not opening my eyes. With Rarity’s bag in my mind, I concentrated on lifting. I felt a... warmness on my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that the bag was a few inches off the floor. “It actually worked!” When I said that, it fell.

“Of course, believing in yourself is one of the main components,” Taya said offhandedly. “If you don’t think you can do something, you definitely can’t.”

“That’s... strange. I honestly wasn’t expecting magic to work for me. I guess that’s what I get for not paying attention. Well, now I know I can.” I narrowed my eyes and concentrated on the item lifting in the air again. It slowly pulled itself off the ground and floated over to me. I settled the saddlebags over my back, rolling my shoulders as they fell into place. “There. At least I can function today.”

“Don’t you want to learn how to do more?” Taya quickly asked. “I can show you how to make a fireball!”

“That’s like asking a bishop to learn heresy. I’ll pass. If I get into any situations where creating a fireball is important, I’d rather just run the other way.”

Rarity flinched, looking around. “Did somep—one do something? I thought I just heard a wet smack...”

“Probably Sweetie Belle in the water,” I said, not buying that for a minute. What did I do this time, Flo? Looking back to Taya gave me the answer to that. She... didn’t seem overly happy with my answer. Thinking about it, I can see why. All that time I spent teaching her and helping her, she just wanted to help me with something. The one time she had the ability to teach me something she was passionate about, I shot her down. I looked back over to Rarity. “Is there any combat magic that you know? For self-defense reasons?”

“Well, Princess Celestia made the six of us go through numerous self-defense classes. I learned a few spells there. A chain lightning spell that stuns ponies is one I learned. Why? Surely we don’t have time to learn something like that.”

“You know that spell?” I asked Taya.

She seemed to light up as she nodded, smiling. “It’s not that hard!”

Look, I don’t like or even understand magic. I won’t even try to explain what she did and how she taught me that spell because honestly, I don’t want to remember it. I’d rather have a sword or a gun any day. Sharp things cut, gunpowder ignites and creates enough force to propel a hunk of metal toward an enemy, and both are natural. Shooting lightning from a bone sticking out of your head is not normal or natural and it just felt wrong to do. I only learned it to please Taya.

“Oooh, if only we had more time!” Taya bemoaned when I was able to arc lightning a few feet away.

“Even if we did, I couldn’t learn more,” I said. “Remember, I’m pretending to be Rarity. I don’t think she’d break out a huge array of combat spells even if they were called for.”

“And one of the rules is no violence,” Rarity said, gently flapping her new wings. “These are quite different from the ones I temporarily had. Feathers are... interesting.”

“I trust you know about pegasus wings. Mine are the same.”

“Then I’ll be careful. Wait... so when I walked in on you and Rainbow Dash—”

“Yes.” She chuckled, her wings extending. “Yeah, and watch out for that. They extend like that when you’re aroused. And so does something else,” I said, looking down to a certain place. “Be careful with that.”

She very quickly blushed a bright red. “I... I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

I looked up at her face, giving her a flat stare. “Rarity, that’s my body you’re talking about. I know my body. And I’m more careful about that, so you better hide it or you’ll lose points.”

“Ugh. Do you have to deal with this all the time?”

“Welcome to having a dick. Sweetie Belle, you ready to go?”

“Aww, do we have to?”

“I’m afraid so, dear. We have quite a day ahead of us, after all. And Sir Navarone here still has to get ready to go. Now come out of there before you wrinkle and let Taya dry you off.”

She sighed and paddled over, getting out of the pool. “So when are you two going to switch?” she asked as Taya did magic to her.

“When everything on the schedule is finished,” Rarity answered with a shrug.

“No, I mean for the first time. Shouldn’t you two swap before we leave?”

“They already did,” Taya said. “Now I think I see why you said this would be fun, daddy.”

“I’m glad I reminded you, then,” I said with a grin, looking to Rarity in my body.

“Eh, I can be forgetful sometimes. All those blows to the head, you know,” she replied. “Anyway, we should get going. We got stuff to do, Taya.” Oh man, this might be harder than I thought.

“Come along, dear,” I said to Sweetie Belle. “We have an appointment at the spa to make!” I led the way out of the room and up the stairs. Rarity had some trouble with the steps, but she managed well enough. “When shall we meet back here?” I asked.

“When we finish everything on the schedule,” she replied. “Whoever gets here first can just wait. I imagine that there’s no shortage of things to do here.”

“Taya knows where the study is. There are a ton of books there you can busy yourself with if you get back first. Now, you need to get ready to go. You’re going to want to put a jacket and some shoes on. Taya also knows where all of that is. Get out of here in fifteen minutes. Sweetie and I will leave now.”

“The game begins when you go outside,” Rarity told me. “Do have fun!”

“Quick question before I go outside, then. The spa chicks won’t be too offput if I don’t know any gossip, will they?”

“They’re my main source. I learn most of what I know from them.”

“Bitchin’. Let’s do this, Sweets.”

I stepped out the front door as she answered, “What does bitchin’ mean?”

“Such barbaric language! Who taught you such a thing?” I asked, doing my best to put on the accent Rarity used.

“But you just—”

“I assure you, I did no such thing! Such uncouth words would never cross my lips. Now come along before that ruffian corrupts you any further. And be sure to get the door.”

Sweetie sighed. “Yes, Rarity...” She pulled the door shut behind me and fell in next to me.

Is it bad that I really only know how to react as Rarity, but not start a conversation as her? I did my best on the way to the spa, but I don’t think my best was really all that great.

As it turns out, I do not like spas. My innate dislike of being touched probably has a lot to do with that. I dealt with it as best I could, but I believe they all knew something was off. I did my best to keep up with the gossip, at least.

Thankfully, little of it was about me. “We haven’t seen Navarone or his delectable hands in town recently,” Aloe sighed, plastering some green shit on my face.

“It’s quite a shame, too,” Lotus lamented. “Even when he is in town, he never stops by the spa. I wonder why...”

“Not to belittle your skills,” I said, “but would you be able to give him a treatment anyway? I mean, his body is so different from ours!”

“In a good way,” Aloe whispered, earning a chuckle from Lotus. “We would be able to, yes. He is different, but similar enough to a minotaur.”

“And it would not be the first time we gave him a... private showing,” Lotus added, smirking. “Ah, if only he had taken our job offer... We believe that relationship would have gone far.”

“Relationship?” Fluttershy whispered.

“Business relationship, dear,” I answered. “Navarone and his fingers would be quite valuable to our hosts. I believe you’ve been a recipient to one of his belly rubs, haven’t you? He is unpracticed, but if he was trained... Well, I believe there would be patrons from all across Equestria!”

“It’s true,” Aloe said with a nod. “But at this point, his fame has spread in such a way that he could work as a janitor and still bring the business’s name up.”

“He doesn’t seem the type to work, though,” I said, trying to keep Rarity’s general disapproval about my life in place. “Even before he fell into money, all he ever seemed to do was the occasional odd job. And a single father... Well, he needs to spend as much time with his filly as possible.”

“True,” Lotus said. “But I’m pretty sure he has marriage prospects. The only reason a stallion like him wouldn’t be in a relationship is because he doesn’t want to be.”

“I wonder why, though...” Aloe said, curiosity evident in her tone.

“Maybe he is in one?” I suggested. “He seems secretive about a number of things. It’s possible he’s in a long-distance relationship and simply didn’t tell anypony. It would be quite romantic of him to hold out for her, if that was the case.”

Lotus shook her head. “If he is, he’s cheating on her with his maid. Everypony knows those two share a bed more often than not.” Now that’s just not true. Or at least, not anymore. “Maybe he’s in love with her?”

“I doubt it,” I answered. “In lust with, maybe. I don’t think he would make her be a maid if he loved her.”

“Unless a certain human has a maid fetish,” Aloe giggled.

“That is... possible,” I said, thankful that the green goop was hiding my blushing face. “I suppose we won’t know unless we ask him. I certainly wouldn’t do so, myself. I admit to curiosity, but prying just seems impolite.”

“It’s hardly prying,” Lotus said. “Just asking a question. It’s only prying if he refuses to tell you but you keep trying to figure it out.”

“...Fair enough. Either way, I believe I respect his privacy enough not to ask. But if somepony else were to find out... By all means, let me know.” And that was all there was about me before we moved on to something else that I didn’t care about.

Shopping was boring as fuck. I bargained for stuff, bought some stuff, ate a bagel, and nothing of note happened.

The picnic is when things went to shit. I was very much looking forward to turning back, at that point. Pretending to be Rarity was fucking tiresome as hell. I learned how well I didn’t know her and her history when I started talking to her friends. I was able to fake having had a long day to pass some of it off, but I had a bad feeling that I would be losing the damn competition based on that alone.

I knew I should have had her hang out with some of the friends I had. Christ.

But the picnic was almost over when a certain purple dragon and a filly came sprinting our way. I knew something was wrong instantly from the look on Taya’s face, and the paper Spike was holding gave me a hint as to what the problem was. God fucking dammit, Celestia. Why today, of all days?

Spike immediately ran to Twilight, shoving the paper at her and breathing deep. Taya ran to me, trying to catch her breath. Note to self, take Taya jogging. “What’s going on?” I asked, still hoping the situation could be salvaged.

“Rarity... teleported... Celestia!” Taya panted.

Nope, this can’t be salvaged. “Fu—”

“Girls, we have to go!” Twilight shouted, waving the letter from Celestia around.

“What’s the problem?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Princess Celestia needs us to do something. We need to leave right away!”

To straight up lose, or to keep the game going... “Girls, what about Taya here?” I said before any of them could move. “Celestia apparently teleported her father away with no warning. Should we really leave her here without a guardian?”

“Hm... Taya, would your father be okay with that?” Twilight asked.

“He would be if we left him a message!” Taya quickly answered.

Twilight nodded. “Spike, if Nav gets back before we do, let him know that we took Taya with us. And tell him not to worry, she’ll be safe. Now let’s go, girls! We have a train that’s leaving in ten minutes to catch!” Twilight immediately began trotting to the train station. Most of the girls followed her.

I looked down to Sweetie Belle. “Welp, this went to shit.” Spike did one hell of a double take when he heard that. “Yeah, Spike, I’m Nav in Rarity’s body. Don’t ask. She’s in mine.”

“...How?”

“If Celestia summoned her, it’s for sex. A lot of it. I’ll see you when we get back. Sweetie Belle, do whatever. Taya, come on.”

“What about Rarity?” Sweetie called as Taya and I galloped to catch up to the group.

“Damn these legs, fuck not having wings, and screw this shitty body,” I panted as we ran. Taya didn’t answer. I think she was too preoccupied with trying to keep up. Thankfully, the train station wasn’t far from where we were. The rest of the girls were already waiting for us.

“C’mon, Rarity!” Dash somewhat testily said. “I knew I should have made you come with me to the gym.”

“Forgive me for taking the time to tell Sweetie what was going on and ask her to feed my cat, Rainbow. Next time I’ll just leave her behind with nary a word.”

“Sheesh, sooorry!”

I sighed. “I apologize, Rainbow. I was just so much looking forward to this week off. I’m sure whatever the princess is asking us to do is important, but I just wish I could spend some more time relaxing.”

“Well you don’t need to worry too much, Rarity,” Twilight said with a smile. “If all goes well, we should be back home in two days. And I don’t think this task will be that hard at all.”

“Well what is the job?” Applejack asked.

“The letter didn’t say,” Twilight answered, shrugging. “Just that we were to get on the train going to Detrot and go to the governor’s mansion when we got there. She promised that it wouldn’t be too taxing for anypony with our skills!”

“...Detrot?” I hesitantly asked.

Twilight nodded happily, not seeming to be concerned in the slightest. I shared a look with Applejack, probably the only member of the group that knew much of anything about the world. Pinkie looked excited, Fluttershy looked somewhat confused, and Rainbow Dash looked bored.

“Uh, Twi?” Applejack started. “Are we, uh... gonna have any kinda guards?”

“Of course not. Why would we need them?”

“Detrot has a bad reputation, dear,” I answered. “I’ve heard it’s one of the few places in mainland Equestria with any kind of noticeable crime rate.”

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll be fine! Now let’s all get aboard before the train leaves us behind.” Applejack and I shared one last worried glance before we all entered the train.

Our first look at the grand city of Detrot told me everything that I needed to know. The first word that came to my mind when I saw the outer layer of houses was empty. There were people there, but not many. I could tell that many of the houses hadn’t seen any manner of upkeep in some time. This might be just like Detroit.

I resolved to keep an eye on Fluttershy and Taya while we were there. The others could take care of themselves. If we were only supposed to be there for two or three days, there shouldn’t be any problems. But I’d rather not risk it.

“Taya, don’t go into town,” I told her in a quiet voice, trying not to let the others hear. “God, if I knew we were going to Detroit, I wouldn’t have brought you.”

“What’s so bad about this place?” she just as quietly asked.

“Crime. And a lot of it. If we’re going to be staying in the governor’s mansion, we will only leave that place in order to do whatever we’re here for and to go back to the train station.”

“I can protect you!”

“The best fight is the one you don’t have. There’s nothing in this place that I’m interested in, so we won’t risk anything. We can talk more later. That’s enough scheming for now.” She just shrugged and we went back to watching the necropolis slowly grow closer in the window.

When we got to the large and relatively opulent governor’s mansion, there was no time wasted: We were immediately ushered into a sitting room where the corpulent governor awaited, seated in a chair. A bodyguard stood behind him, to his right.

“It’s a pleasure to see you, ladies,” he said, not standing. The smile he was wearing didn’t reach his eyes. I swear I saw Applejack seem to flinch back from him, as though he had a physical presence that hurt her.

“Likewise, Governor Silver Dollar,” Twilight said with her diplomatic tone. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s personal student. These are Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie—”

“Hi!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing in place.

“—Rarity, and Fluttershy. Oh, and that’s Taya. How can we help you?”

“Oh, I can think of a number of ways,” he answered, stroking his double chin with a hoof. “But Celestia sent you here as her representatives at an unveiling ceremony scheduled tomorrow. It will be the first time the Magiguard statue will be displayed for all to see!”

I think every single one of us in that room—aside from maybe Pinkie—was offended by that for a number of different reasons. Applejack facehooved. Fluttershy got a strange look on her face.

“We came all this way for a buckin’ statue?!” Rainbow Dash practically yelled. “I thought you said this was important, Twilight!”

Indiscreet as always... Twilight herself looked somewhat unhappy about being here over a fucking statue, but indecisiveness ruled her face. On one hand, Celestia said it was important. On the other hand, it was obviously just busy work.

The governor came to her rescue. “Oh, but it is important! Do you know, Miss Dash, who the Magiguard is?”

“Psh, no. It sounds stupid.”

“He is a guard that was almost killed in the line of duty. However, the medic mages we had were able to keep him alive, to rebuild him with magic. He is held together almost entirely by magical constructs. He was the first and only pony the procedure worked on. Since then, he’s made a big name for himself here in Detrot, stopping a number of criminals.”

“So we’re here for a stupid statue,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “And we can’t get out of it.”

“I’m sure Princess Celestia had a reason for sending us, girls!” Twilight hastily said, trying to keep morale up in her little group.

“It’s just two days,” I said. “Maybe a change of scenery will be nice. But I’m sure the governor has business he needs to attend to. If you could just have somepony show us to our rooms...?”

“Of course, of course... But I only have six rooms available. I was told to expect only six of you...”

“Taya will be staying with me,” I quickly said. All the girls looked to me in relative shock. “Well, it was my idea to bring her. I will take responsibility for her. It’s only fair.”

“Is that alright with you, Taya?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t mind,” she answered. “It’s just two days.”

They all shrugged. The fat fuck on the chair clopped two hooves together. A maid in an extremely skimpy outfit appeared at the door. “Take these mares to their rooms, please,” he ordered.

“Of course, Master,” she said, doing some approximation of a curtsy. I have got to get Doppel one of those outfits. I like those stockings. “Follow me, please,” she said, looking to us. We did so, leaving that room behind. I could feel his eyes on our backs as we left.

“Lecherous slimeball,” I whispered when we were far enough away.

“You feel it, too?” Applejack asked. “There’s something about that stallion... Felt like a kick to the gut as soon as he opened his mouth.”

“That’s not very nice to say about somepony you just met,” Pinkie said, looking at me. “Don’t you want to be his friend?”

“You are welcome to attempt to be his friend, Pinkie,” I said. “But I implore you not to make the attempt when alone with him.”

She sighed and looked away. “Okay...” We continued through the mansion in silence, the mood brought down by what Applejack and I said. For the record, the maid heard every word and didn’t say anything.

At least the rooms we were given were quite nice, if somewhat dark in themes. Taya and I had settled in to relax when there was a knock at my door. It opened, presumably by Taya’s magic. In walked Twilight. “Me and the girls were thinking about exploring the city. Do you two want to come?”

“I think I’d prefer to stay here,” I answered. “Something about this city makes me feel uneasy.”

“I’m staying,” Taya said.

Twilight sighed. “I guess it’s just me, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie... Applejack and Fluttershy don’t want to explore either.”

“Well have fun, Twilight. And do be safe. Maybe if you three don’t run into any trouble, I’ll join you tomorrow.”

“Alright. I’ll see you two in a few hours.” And so the door closed, leaving me and Taya alone.

“Now what?” she asked.

“We chill. Not much else to do. I refuse to leave this place without an armed escort and I’m not going anywhere near the sleazeball governor. Neither are you. So we’ll just chill here. Thankfully, this room has a bookcase. Let’s see what we’re left with...” I hopped off the rather expansive bed and walked over to the case, perusing the titles. Most of them were books that I had read before. After living four years in a library without being able to sleep, there weren’t that many books I hadn’t read.

“Anything good?” Taya asked.

“Well, unless you want me to read you a story, the only books here that I haven’t read are boring fucking history books. Plenty for you to read, I guess. Nothing here by me.” I lifted a hoof to grab one before I realized what I was doing. After sighing, I dropped my hoof and used magic to pull one of the books out, tossing it to the bed for Taya. “Have fun.”

“...Don’t you want to read to me?”

I looked back to her, relatively confused. “You actually want me to read to you?”

“Daddy, I know you. It’ll take you hours to remember to use magic to turn the pages. It’s either you read to me and I turn the pages or I read and you destroy a book and get angry.”

“Alright. I guess if anyone walks in, it’ll be easy enough to pawn off as Rarity being Rarity.” I walked back over to the bed and hopped on it. I curled up and looked at the book, trying to open it. Nothing happened.

Taya giggled. “Opening something is different from lifting, daddy. I’ll handle it. After I... Well, don’t move.” She started moving around the bed until she was right in front of me. I felt something in my horn and then felt my body being pushed. I didn’t really have much of a way to fight back as Taya pushed me to my side before lying down next to me, pushing her back against my stomach, essentially making her spoon me. “There. Now curl your tail up.”

“...What’s the point of this?” I asked as I moved my tail.

“To get comfortable, of course. Isn’t this nice?”

“Feels kind of awkward. I can’t even look you in your eyes.”

“Daddy, you almost never look anyone in the eyes anyway. Now let’s do this.” I felt that weird resonating feeling again as the book pulled over to us and opened up.

“Alright. Once upon a time...”

...I was very grateful for Taya’s company that night. Without Flo to guard my subconscious mind, the nightmares returned. There are some things that people just can’t face on their own, like it or not. I don’t think Taya was overly happy to be used as a teddy bear for the night, but she didn’t complain.

Taya and I were able to avoid leaving the mansion until the damn ceremony for the stupid statue the next day. Not that not leaving was necessarily a good thing, though; the governor was a pervert and the only reason we were spared his leering glances was because we stayed in our room. I had to comfort Fluttershy as she was propositioned by the guy and freaked the fuck out.

I shudder to think of what might have happened if Applejack hadn’t been with her when it happened. As it was, I think the only reason the governor didn’t get his shit kicked in was because of his bodyguard.

But anyway, the ceremony. The apparently famous guard himself ended up sitting next to me on the row of chairs behind the governor’s fat ass as he gave a speech that I didn’t pay attention to. I have to say, the guard looked very much like a pony version of Robocop.

“So how long have you been a guard?” I whispered to him.

“Three hundred years,” he quietly answered back.

Shit, man. I wonder how long that magic will sustain him... “What do you think of Detrot?”

“It’s a trashy city full of horrible ponies with a corrupt leader. I made it my life’s work to clean it up and I’m failing.”

“Oh... Have you heard of somepony named Sir Navarone?”

“Yes I have.”

“What do you think of him?”

“He’s a tool that thinks so highly of himself that he believes he’s above the law. If he ever sets hoof in this city, I will have him arrested immediately for several counts of murder, assault, blackmailing, sexual deviancy, foal neglect, public indecency, and anything else I can think of at the time.”

That was the end of that conversation.

Taya and I didn’t have much time to settle into our room back at the mansion before there was a knocking on our door again. Twilight poked her head in. “Taya, I just found out there’s an old magic aberration in this area! That spot would be an excellent place to teach you about magical vibrations. Let’s go!”

Taya looked to me, a conflict visible in her eyes. I nodded to her. “Go on, dear. I need to stay here in case Fluttershy needs me. I don’t want to risk her being alone.”

“Of course, Rarity,” Twilight said. “Come on, Taya. We need to leave soon or we might not have time to study much!” Taya hopped off the bed and trotted to the door. With a final backwards glance to me, they both left.

Five minutes after they departed, I hopped off the bed and walked to the door, opening it and going into the hall down to Fluttershy’s room. She really had been broken up and I was hoping she’d get better. I knocked on the door and didn’t get an answer. After a few seconds, I used magic to gently push it open. She was curled up on the bed, asleep. She wouldn’t mind seeing me when she woke up, so I let myself in and eased the door shut.

I spent some time reading before there was another knock. I opened the door with magic, though it seems this time it woke Fluttershy up. “There you are, Rarity!” Rainbow Dash said, smiling. “Me, Applejack, and Pinkie were about to go out. Pinkie actually managed to find a club that she thought would be interesting. You two wanna go?”

“Thank you, but no,” I calmly said. “I’m not much one for the ‘club’ scene. Fluttershy?”

“I... I think I wouldn’t mind going. As-as long as somepony stays with me.” Now that was shocking.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Really?” Dash said at the same time.

“I don’t want to be here,” she whispered, looking away.

“Well, if you’re sure...” I said. “By all means, have fun. I think it would do you some good.”

“You sure you want to stay here alone?” Dash asked, looking at me.

I smiled. “You underestimate me, Rainbow. If anypony tries anything on me, they will very sorely regret it. I’ll be fine. You girls go out, have a good time. I wouldn’t mind having some time to myself to relax.”

“If you say so. C’mon, Fluttershy. I’ll teach you how to dance!” I smiled at that image in my mind, the graceful Fluttershy pulling dance moves on a club floor. Out they went, leaving me alone in the mansion of the lecher.

Before I could help myself, I immediately thought of the phrase that has proven to be the bane of my existence: What’s the worst that could happen?

I found out half an hour later from the knocking on my door. I opened it with magic, hoping it would be Taya and Twilight, back from their expedition.

It was the governor. Oh boy, here we go.

“Ah, Governor Dollar!” I said, hopping off the bed. “What a surprise. How can I help you?” He let himself inside, squeezing his bulk around the door. His bodyguard followed him.

“Miss Rarity, has anypony ever told you that you were beautiful?” the fat fuck asked, grinning in a way he might have thought was charming.

“I’ve been told that before, yes,” I answered, having a bad feeling I knew what was coming.

“And I... I am a stallion with many connections, many friends,” he slowly said. I saw the bodyguard closing the door behind the governor, cutting off the only escape route that didn’t involve jumping out a window from the third floor. “I can make your life in Ponyville very easy. Or you could move here and be served anything you could desire.”

“You don’t say. Well this has been interesting, but—”

“Please, Rarity, you haven’t heard my offer.”

“I think I can make a guess as to what it is.”

“Give yourself to me and I’ll give you anything your heart could desire.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” I said, my tone dropping to ice cold.

“Please re—”

“I am not a harlot. I will not be treated like one.”

He snorted. “You aren’t? Not some tarted up whore? I have dirt on you, Rarity. Dirt that would ruin your name.” While he was talking, I looked over to a desk, where a maid had left a pitcher of water. When he said that last word, I used magic to propel the pitcher at him, drenching him.

“Get out!”

His eyes opened wide in surprise before narrowing. “You’re going to regret that. Guard, hold her down. She has enough holes for both of us.”

I have to say, I wasn’t expecting him to actually try raping me. But of course, I had planned for it. Sort of.

My horn grew hot and my vision dimmed as lightning shot out of my horn, slamming into the governor’s body and reacting with the water I splashed on him. He began screaming in pain as he was cooked. I felt a cruel smile coming to my face as blood started seeping from his eyes and brain matter leaked from his ears.

When I couldn’t hold the spell any longer, I let it go. The governor immediately collapsed, his blackened fur smoking and his body spasming in its death throes. I looked to his side to see what happened to the bodyguard that should have been caught in the chain effect of the lightning.

Where the bodyguard had been was a changeling lying on his stomach, immobilized. The spell I cast was supposed to just stun, but since the other guy was covered in water and because I poured so much hate into the spell, I think it reacted just a little stronger than it should have.

I walked over to the changeling and kicked him onto his back, putting my hoof on his throat. He looked up at me with the eyes of an intelligentsia, fear evident in his gaze. After some thinking, I said, “Intelligentsia, sentient, drone.”

His mouth dropped and his eyes widened. When he didn’t answer, I pressed down harder. “Urk! E-egg, larva, f-f-foal!”

I relieved some of the pressure. “What are you doing here, changeling?”

“S-spying on the governor!” His eyes darted to the corpse on the floor before darting back to me.

“I see. How many mares has he done this to?”

“Too many...”

“Interesting. And how does he never get caught?”

“S-soundproofed walls. And he has blackmail material on everypony!”

“Hm. How much of his staff is made of changelings?”

“Just me, I swear!”

“Excellent. I have a proposition for you, changeling. You see, having this body on my floor puts me in... somewhat of a bad situation. So what you are going to do is get rid of the body and then pretend to be the governor for one month before you return to your hive. And what I am going to do is not tell anyone that you’re a changeling and that you helped the governor rape ponies. Do we have a deal?”

“I-if I refuse?”

“Then I fear I’ll have even more of a mess to clean up. Changeling blood is hard to get out of carpets, after all.” I emphasized my position by pressing down more on his throat.

“Q-q-questions! I have questions!”

“Very well, bug. You may ask.” I relieved some of the pressure.

“Why a month? Why not just hide the body and leave?”

“Because it would be linked to this visit. A month gives the body time to rot and time for suspicion not to be on us.”

“What’s stopping you from betraying me, from telling on me anyway?”

“The reason I knew the spy’s code words.”

“Which is?” I narrowed my eyes and pushed down on his throat again. “N-n-never mind!” I eased back. “What if I stay as governor? If I don’t go back to the hive?”

“Then I go to Celestia. Your governor friend was an idiot. He seems to have forgotten that I am an element of harmony. I have the ear of the princess herself. If he had laid a hoof on me, he wouldn’t have lived long enough to regret it. If I find out that you’re still here after a month has passed, you will be ousted as a changeling, arrested, put on trial, and bad things will happen.”

“What if—”

I shut him up by pushing against his throat again. “Enough questions. Get this body out of my room and assume your position, governor.” I stepped off him, backing away. When I did so, I realized something that I’m glad I didn’t notice before: This bug had a small hard-on going. I blinked in surprise before grinning darkly. “Oh, does somepony get off to the idea of a big, strong mare dominating him? Holding him down and teaching him who’s boss, who swings the cock around?” The changeling’s face turned bright green as he blushed, averting his eyes. “I bet you’d love me to force you down and make you face-fuck me, wouldn’t you?” His breathing was starting to pick up. I snorted. “Well, you’d never please me with that tiny prick. I suggest you hide it before I decide to teach you what a real one is like. Now get out of my sight.”

He actually whimpered before rolling over, his tail between his legs to hide his shame. I glared at him the entire time he rolled the massive body into a carpet and began dragging it out, his small buggy erection flopping around until he turned into the bodyguard again. God, if only I had a strap-on... Soon enough, I was alone in the room, the smell of burned fur still hanging in the air. I opened the window with magic, hoping to air the room out some before Taya got back.

When she did get back, I couldn’t smell it anymore, but her face scrunched up. “What’s that horrible smell?” she asked, stepping into the room.

“Close the door. We might have a problem and it would be good for you to know what’s going on.” She did so, stepping further into the room. “First, don’t get mad.” She blinked in surprise. “Alright, the governor and his guard tried to rape me.” Her mouth fucking dropped. “I killed the governor.” It’s a good thing her mouth was already down, because it would have fallen again. “His guard was a changeling. I made an arrangement with him to ensure his silence and that the body wouldn’t be found.”

She stood there in shock for nearly thirty seconds before her mouth closed and her eyes narrowed, an expression that I was sadly getting used to. “I’m not leaving you alone again. You could have gotten hurt!”

“Yep. I’m not going to be in a room without someone I know until I turn back. The only reason I was able to do what I did was because I flung water at him before using that lightning spell you taught me. Also, I’m really tired. Is that an effect of spellcasting or something?”

“Magic is like a muscle. If you don’t use it often, it’ll be weak and using it will tire you out quickly. Rarity is used to using a lot of weaker magic, things that don’t exercise her magic. Using enough lightning to actually kill someone... You’re going to sleep well tonight, daddy.”

“Well that’s certainly good to hear. You think anyone would mind if I turned in early?”

“Daddy, the sun’s barely even gone down.”

“Like I give a fuck. I’m going to sleep. If you want, you can stay up and do magic things with Twilight. If she asks, just tell her that I was tired.”

“No, I’m not leaving you while you’re asleep. Not after both last night and what happened today.”

“I appreciate that, Taya. It... means a lot to me.”

“You guard my dreams, daddy. It’s only fair that I get to help guard yours.”

That actually made me feel more at ease. It didn’t do much to stop the nightmares, though.

Breakfast the next morning was somewhat awkward. Fluttershy refused to go anywhere near the governor or even look at him. Every time he looked at me, he quickly averted his gaze, blushing.

We left immediately after eating, not even bothering to say any goodbyes to anyone there. Every one of us wanted to get home quickly for some reason or another. Fluttershy, to feed her critters and to put the events behind her. Applejack, to reassure her family that she was okay. Dash needed to catch up on the job she left behind. I think Twilight really wanted to ask Celestia just what the hell she was thinking, sending us to a place like that.

And I wanted my motherfucking body back.

When we all got off the train, Fluttershy, Applejack, Taya, and I all started walking down the path out of town.

“You know that either of us could drop her off, right?” AJ said, looking at me.

“I’m aware,” I answered. “If Navarone is home, I would like to talk to him. He asked me to make something for him and I want to make sure I have a few details right before I begin.” And if he isn’t there, I’m going to strangle a certain white horse.

Applejack and Fluttershy split off on the paths to their homes while Taya and I continued on to my large fort. The place seemed too empty without anything in the yard or the naga around doing what he does.

However, the human body sitting in the armchair in the living room made the place feel alive enough for me. “Thank God, you’re here,” I sighed.

Rarity slowly turned her head to look at me. “Can we... talk?” she whispered.

“Sure. Taya, go make sure the circle thing in the cellar is still ready. Wait for us down there.”

“Are you sure, daddy?”

“Yes, Taya. I’ll be fine.” She cast a suspicious glare at Rarity before trotting to the kitchen. I slumped onto my couch, tired beyond all reason. Tired of having a pony body, tired of pretending to be Rarity, tired of bad sleep. “Welp,” I sighed.

“...So do you even want to judge this anymore?” Rarity asked, her entire body slumped into the chair.

“Doesn’t matter. I broke a few rules.”

“Me too... This was a horrid few days, Nav. I say we never speak of them again.”

“Before we agree to that, I want to know what happened. Hell, I’ll even tell you what I went through, if you’re interested.”

“I’d... rather not know, I think. Well, which rules did you break?”

“The no leaving Ponyville one. And then the no violence one. I electrocuted the shit out of someone. Blackmailed the witness into staying silent. You know how it is.”

“...I’d rather not know what happened. But given some of what I did and some of what I said, it’s only fair I tell you some things.”

“Oh God... What you ‘said’? Did you promise something?”

“Well, if a certain minty mare and changeling come by asking about that threesome I said you would join, feel free to thank me.”

I sighed, facehooving. “I don’t do anything with couples. God dammit, Rarity...”

“Well, how was I supposed to know that? From what I’ve seen, you don’t discriminate in any other ways!”

“Fluttershy.”

“...Fair enough. While we’re on this subject, I have something to tell you about a certain filly, Diamond Tiara.”

“She has an unrequited crush on me and a fetish for feeding me foods or giving me water tainted with her sex fluids. I already knew. What I’m more interested in is what happened after you got the note from Celestia.”

“Nav, if you knew that filly had a crush on you, why didn’t you do anything about it?”

“What am I supposed to do? Take her on a date? Shoot her down? Or God forbid, tell her father? It’s a childish crush brought on by greed, I imagine. She’ll get over it.”

“Very well. After these few days, I’m not going to pretend to know how to live your life for you.”

“Good. Now what happened?”

She sighed. “It all began when I got the letter from Spike...”

Spike held up the letter, panting. “Fresh from the princess, Nav!” he enthusiastically said, almost as happy as he was to serve you as he used to be me.

“Thank you, Spike. Any clue what it is?”

“No, but I know I have another one to deliver and she wants a response, so can you hurry it up?”

I shrugged—what is it with you and that motion, anyway?—and opened the letter with my fingers. Taya seemed to lean up, trying to read the letter from beside me. Given that it was from the princess to me—or you, I suppose—I didn’t let her get a look at it.

“Princess Celestia needs me?” I muttered after a moment. “But it doesn’t say what she needs.” Well, I’m sure I’ll have time to respond and find Navarone before transportation gets to me. “It just says to send the letter back if I can help her. So here you go, Spike.” I passed the letter back to him.

With a hot green flash, the letter disappeared, swirling away with a small foggy effect that I had never noticed before. “Now I just gotta find Twilight. Do you know where she is?”

I took a moment to look at the large clock tower before responding, “She’s probably at a picnic in the park right now. I need to talk to Rarity, so I’ll walk with y—Oh Celestia!” I had time to exclaim before being teleported to some unknown destination. “P-princess!” She was standing right in front of me, wearing a smile I don’t think I had ever seen on her before. “I... I thought you were going to send a chariot!”

Is it bad that the first thought in my head was that I just lost the competition for sure? That it didn’t even cross my mind what she wanted?

“Well, I was in a hurry,” she answered, slowly walking to me. When I had the peace of mind to look away and around, I saw that we were in some bedchamber I wasn’t familiar with. “I should be dealing with a small event right now... but I sent Twilight and her friends to deal with it instead. Twilight’s so easy to pawn my busy work on... Anything to please her teacher. And she gives even the most unimportant task I give her all of her thought. So useful.”

My mind almost froze at what she said. “B-busy work?”

“Of course. Can you believe I actually got her and her friends to take care of sending a dragon on his way some years ago? I could have done it in hours, but instead I pawned it off on her and her friends to take a nice long bath.”

She’s been using us! That... that whorse!

I opened my mouth to give her a piece of my mind, but when I did so, something slipped inside, her horn glowing. Whatever was inside my mouth wrapped around the back of my head, tightening and choking off my response. “Well, I needed another break,” she continued huskily, still smiling and drawing up close to me. I saw then that she wasn’t wearing her tiara, her shoes, or her necklace. My eyes widened as I had a realization and I looked down to see the ballgag in my mouth. “Yes, my little human... I think it’s time for another of our little trysts. After all, I still need some... heh, revenge for those pictures you gave to the newspaper.”

I knew I wasn’t a pony anymore, but I could practically feel my ears twitching in horror. I began backing away, trying to pull at the gag on my mouth to tell her no, that I wasn’t who she thought I was, that she didn’t want anything from me... but I tripped over a bed, falling down onto it.

“It’s only a shame that I didn’t think to get your gender stones... I’ve heard you picked up a thing for stallions. Oh well.” Her horn lit up brighter and I felt my shoes tug off, followed by my socks. I tried holding onto the pants, but she pulled my hands away like I was but a foal. When I shook my head, she stopped for a moment, pulling the gag away from me. “Is there a problem?”

I didn’t really want to tell her that I was Rarity and that she just said what she said about Twilight in front of me. And I couldn’t think of anything else to say... So I just went with the age-old excuse all mares have used at least once in their life. “I have a headache!”

Her smile deepened as the gag blocked my mouth again. “Good thing sex is a painkiller.”

Oh Celestia, why... My pants ripped off, revealing your shame for all the world to see. What happened next is...

Rarity broke out of her stupor. “It... I don’t think I can talk about it, Nav.”

“I’ve been through worse. Trust me when I say that the only way to get over it is to tell someone else. And really, who else are you gonna tell? Celestia’s the law of the land and everyone but me, Cadance, Shiny, and her sister think of her as a motherly ruler. And you, I guess. Going over it in detail is the only way to start getting over it.”

She was silent for almost a minute before she continued talking.

(Sex is coming up. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f “Sex is over”)

When she got my pants off, her smile turned wicked. “I’ve been needing this for a while now. I should have arranged it sooner.” Her horn lit up even brighter, like the sun she was so famous for, before it died off. In Celestia’s place stood a giantess, a human that would have stood around half a meter over me had we been standing. “Oh, I am going to enjoy ravishing you yet again.”

My impossibly wide eyes seemed to grow even wider as she forced my hands up, sliding the shirt off my body. Soon, I was entirely exposed to her groping eyes. She smirked at my attempts to cover myself with the blanket, her horn lighting up and holding me rigid. I still managed to flinch as I felt something caress a fleshy protrusion that I hadn’t until then been paying much attention to.

“I hope you don’t mind if we skip some of the frivolities. Normally I’d spend more time toying with you, but I really need it. And so, it seems, do you...” My eyes flicked down to my rising... ahem, member. Why are you betraying me? Stay down! I heard a faint giggling, but I don’t think Celestia’s mouth moved... The rest of her did, though, as she fell onto her knees on the bed, crawling on top of me and pinning my arms down as I tried to push her away.

“Isn’t this nice, Nav? Just you and me, on a bed, like old times. We haven’t done this nearly enough recently. Shall we let the games begin?” Before I could frantically shake my head, her hands let go of my arms and moved to my wings, each finger jamming onto an epicenter of pleasure, making my eyes roll back as I moaned into the gag. “Oh my, feeling vocal tonight? Maybe you’ll actually let me hear your pleasure for once.”

W-what? Is this what pegasi feel? As that thought left me, she lowered a certain other part of her anatomy onto me, molding her blooming flower bud onto my stem. I... I’m ashamed to admit that I might have blanked from the pleasure for a moment, the intense feelings of warmth and tightness sucking me in. The utter wrongness of the situation left me for a critical moment... And I forgot that I was being raped.

Celestia breathed in deep when we were connected. “Ooooh, I needed this,” she whispered, adjusting herself slightly, sending waves of pleasure through the organ holding us in place. Her fingers on my wings began pumping, adjusting the pressure on me constantly, bringing me to a higher state of arousal than I’d felt in years.

After a few seconds of grinding, she slid her hips up, making me moan at the pulling sensation I felt.

“I quite like-ohh-this new you! Keep those sexy little moans up, Nav.”

Why does everything I do turn her on!? I tried just closing my eyes and pretending it wasn’t happening, but as she continued riding me, I felt my hips slowly start moving in tune with hers! My hips are moving on their own! Once again, I heard the giggling in my head, but it didn’t sound like Celestia’s.

Before I could put any more thought into it, I felt Celestia grab one of my hands, still going at a pace that was driving me mad. I opened my eyes to see what new horrors she would force onto me, only to find her placing my hand on one of her rather generous teats that were almost at my face’s level. “Rub at the nipples,” she demanded, moving her hand back to my wings.

I... I was afraid of what she would do if I didn’t. Ignoring the horror and the growing wet pleasure between my legs, I used my fingers to rub at the soft nubs on her chest. She moaned so low I almost mistook it for a growl and it nearly made me stop.

Then I remembered that I was dealing with Princess Celestia of Equestria, who could turn me inside out if I didn’t give her what she demanded. I silently gulped down some of the drool that was forming in my mouth and tweaked at her nipples, rubbing them and occasionally pulling them. As I did that, her speed picked up and she began pounding at me harder, the pleasure in my mind building to some horrific crescendo.

Honestly, looking back, I don’t know how I held on as long as I did. I know about male virgins. Maybe it was the horror or maybe it’s different for humans, but I think I lasted maybe two minutes before both Celestia’s eyes and my eyes opened wide. A squeal of sorts escaped my mouth as my mind and member both exploded, coating her insides and thighs with sticky seed.

Celestia pulled away, pushing herself back so she could look down on me with her look of shock. “Already? I’m... disappointed in you, Nav.” She sniffed and rolled away from me. “Well, I suppose it happens to every stallion eventually.” I wanted to move, to pull the gag off and tell her the truth and beg for forgiveness, but I couldn’t do anything but lie there as the afterglow consumed me.

I’ll never question a stallion falling asleep after again... And I don’t think I’ll ever call a certain human a slut anymore, not if that is what stallions feel.

Celestia patted me on the arm. “I’ll go get cleaned up while you recover. Pawning that task off gave me a few days off... I hope you’re ready for a long week, Nav. I’ll give you plenty of chances to make up for this.”

My eyes shot open wide as I struggled to move, to do anything, but her horn lit up as she walked away and previously unseen ropes jerked my arms and legs down to the bed, holding me in place.

She just chuckled as she closed the door to the bathroom, leaving me to give up in silence, mentally readying myself for the worst few days I’ve had in a long, long time.

(“Sex is over”)

“I... I can’t say anymore, Nav. I just can’t.”

“Understandable.”

“Nav, is... is she always like that?”

“Not usually so demanding, no. And she usually lets me at least talk. I guess she wasn’t in the mood to hear it this time. Hey, at least Luna didn’t get you. God, if you had consented to anything with her, I’d be so pissed. And you’d probably be in pain.”

“So... you’re not mad?”

“A little disappointed that you got to have all the fun, but not mad. I just want my body back. You ready to go downstairs and get this over with?”

“My hips... ache. I’ll have to lean on you to walk down the stairs.”

“I’m okay with that.” I hopped off the couch and walked over to her, letting her pull on me to stand up. Together, we walked to the kitchen and down into the dark basement.

Thankfully, the circle was still drawn out on the floor, pristine as it had been when we left. All three of us walked to it, settling inside it. “Taya, if you would,” I said.

I felt a resonance in my horn that told me magic was being cast nearby. A second later, I found myself in a much smaller body. I sagged, finding that I was now in Taya. If I had to guess, I’d say that she was in me and Rarity was in her body.

“Finally!” Rarity yelled before flinching. “Sweet Celestia am I tired...”

“And not done,” I said. “I’m in Taya’s body. Try again.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and started magicking. Soon enough, I was in the correct body. “Thank God. You two sort it out.” I backed out of the circle, flinching at the pain, and let Rarity’s body cast the spell a final time. “Alright, so it’s settled. We never speak of this again.”

“Agreed,” Rarity answered with a nod. “Now, I think I need to go home and go to bed...”

“Before you leave, I do have a question. What would your order have been, had you won?”

She yawned, tears coming to her eyes. “Simple. A date with Fluttershy. I’ll see you both later.” And with that, she began walking out.

I looked down at the conjuration circle on the floor. “This needs to get gone before the naga gets back. Is it safe for Doppel to fuck with?”

“She’ll be fine,” Taya answered. “But it’s just chalk. We could splash some water on it to get it gone.”

“Hm...” I snatched Taya off the ground and jumped into the pool with her. I had a feeling that after Celestia toyed with my body, I needed a bath anyway. Taya just sighed exasperatedly when we both surfaced.

“You could have stopped it, you know,” I said to Flo that night, chilling in my calm dreamscape. “Rarity getting raped, I mean. You could have warned her what would have happened if she agreed or you could have stepped in when she got there with the right words.”

“I could have. And I could have pulled her into the center, too, so it wouldn’t have been as traumatic. I know what you think of me, Navarone. That I’m inhuman, that I’m above many petty emotions and desires. Like love or hate... or revenge. Yes, I could have helped Rarity. But I think there are many that would say she got what was coming to her. Would you disagree?”

“Hm...” Mercy or justice? After so long in such a peaceful world, it’s hard to decide which is better anymore. Or if something is even a mercy or a justice. “What’s done is done.”

“I know you feel a sense of satisfaction, Navarone. You can’t hide it from me.”

“That doesn’t mean it was right... but it was fitting. Perhaps even fair. Not like it matters anymore. Forget I brought it up.”

“Very well. I feel I should warn you, though... Celestia now thinks you have a fetish for being spanked.”

“...She’s free to try it, but I can guarantee she’ll be the one with the red ass when I get finished.”

“If you say so. Shall we go exploring the dreamscape? I’m sure Luna might be wondering where we went off to.”

“Sure. Not like there’s much else to do. Maybe I can haunt Rarity’s dreams and make her suffer for the threesome I apparently agreed to...”

The next day, I got a somewhat unpleasant surprise of the five wolves showing up in my lawn variety. I was busy minding my own business when Doppel flew up outside the window of the room I was in and slammed against the window, just like a bug. She did that a few more times before I could open it and let her in.

“Yes, Doppel?” I asked, bemused.

She pointed out the window. “We have company.”

I looked out, wondering what kind of company would require her buzzing up to my window instead of walking to my room like a civilized person. When I saw the five wolves standing in a semicircle a few meters from my house, my bemusement disappeared. “I see. Go get Freki.”

“Yes, master,” she hastily said, having seen the look on my face. I grabbed my sword as she was leaving and buckled it on. I didn’t expect to need it, but I didn’t want to take any chances. The armor stayed where it was, because I didn’t want them to think I was going for any kind of hostility.

When I got into the hall, Freki and Doppel were just about at my door. “Come on,” I said, walking down the stairs. They both followed me as I headed back out. “Freki, your family is here,” I said as we walked.

He didn’t make any kind of reply. I opened the door in silence, leading the way out. Doppel closed it behind the two of us, not joining us outside. To be fair, if it did turn violent, she probably would have just gotten in the way.

Freki and I stopped a few meters in front of the wolves and I just crossed my arms, watching them. After a few seconds of waiting, the one in the center stepped forward. “We have come to reclaim what is ours,” it slowly said in a raspy, halting voice.

“One moment.” I knelt down next to Freki. “I can’t take you with me when I leave,” I said. “And this is your family. So you need to go with them. Alright?”

He seemed to sigh, shaking his body slightly.

“I have no idea what that means. But you really can’t stay with me. I know you feel bad when you stay too long in Ponyville. Well, I’m going considerably farther away than Ponyville, soon. You would—” He started walking away, toward the pack. “What are you—” When he got next to them, they all began bounding toward the gate, running off. “...Huh.” Well fine, be that way. I didn’t want to say goodbye anyway…

“He’s a wolf made of wood, Nav,” Flo said. “He honestly doesn’t have much in the way of feelings or a personality at all. And it doesn’t help that you didn’t spend much time with him.”

“Yeah. I don’t know. It just seems like he could still be useful.”

“As a guard dog, nothing more. If his choice is staying with you and being nothing more than a guard or going with his family and… well, being with his family, which would you prefer he take?”

“The one that’s useful to me. But it’s probably for the best,” I said, standing back up and starting to walk back to the door.

“Probably nothing,” Flo said. “It is for the best.”

“Fair enough,” I said at the door, my hand on the handle. That said, though, I couldn’t help but look back, just once. When I did, I heard a low howling, but didn’t see any of them lingering. “For the best…”

Chapter Eighty-Six—Rambunctiously Radical Rave

Chapter Eighty-Six—Rambunctiously Radical Rave

Three days later, I got a knock on my door. I opened it to find a somewhat tired looking Spike standing there, holding a letter. “What does she want this time?” I sighed, taking the letter.

“What is it with you two?” he asked. “And for that matter, what did Rarity mean when she said she was you?”

“We did a competition thing,” I said, opening the letter. “Rarity and I, I mean. Swapped bodies, pretended to be each other. As for me and Celestia, the same thing that’s going on between you and Doppel. Now let’s see what this says.” I let him inside and kicked the door shut, walking into the living room.

“Doppel here?” Spike asked as I plopped into my arm chair.

“Somewhere, yeah. Have fun.” I wasn’t really paying that much attention to what he was saying, but I also didn’t care.

Ah, Navarone… Such a fun few days we had! Though I think you know all about that. *wink*

“Wait, what? Did she seriously write wink on here?”

Spike was already gone, so Flo answered, “Yes, it looks like it.”

I just shook my head and continued reading. I was wondering if you’d be interested in a nice little cool down session? I know it’s been a few days, but I just can’t stop thinking about it! – Big C.

“Well, it would be a good way to set the record straight, make sure she realizes just who she was fucking.” After checking my neck to make sure I had the necklace with the ring on it, I set off to track down Spike.

He was standing at the entrance to Doppel’s room, the door slightly cracked open. His eyes were watching whatever was happening inside with a strange intensity that I’m glad wasn’t focused at me.

“Need you to send a reply,” I said, taking a second to peek inside the room. Doppel was on one of Eva’s personalities, having a good time.

Spike snorted smoke and turned around, snatching the paper from my hands. He sent it off without even looking at it. I was about to ask if he was okay when I was teleported off.

When I landed, I found that I was on a large bed. That’s all I had time to see before Celestia’s horsey body was on top of me, holding me down with her furry mass. She looked down at me with a smile.

“Before we start, I have something pretty important to tell you,” I said.

“Mmm?” she hummed, her head getting closer to mine.

“The last time you saw me, that wasn’t me.”

She blinked in confusion. “What?”

“Long story short, Rarity and I swapped bodies. Everything you did to this body was done to Rarity, not to me.”

“That’s… You’re joking, right?” The smile on her face transferred to mine.

“Nope. I had to go to some boring fucking statue thing in Detrot. The governor guy there is a total sleazebag, too.”

“So I did… With Rarity?”

“Yep. She was traumatized. It was really funny.”

“…That explains a lot.”

“I’m really surprised you didn’t realize something was wrong. Apparently, she was terrified.”

“Well, I did realize you were acting strangely. But you passed the changeling test. I never once thought that might be the reason!”

“Ah well. So, we gonna fuck or what?”

“I’m afraid not… All the plans I had were for the things that apparently Rarity enjoys. And… Well, I need to have a talk with her now.”

“Heh, sure. A ‘talk’.”

She narrowed her eyes, glaring at me. “I would not do that to somepony like her, not on purpose. I will have a chariot drawn up and we’ll ride back to Ponyville together. That’ll save me the energy of having to teleport you that distance.”

“If you go in that chariot thing, you just know Twilight will be all over you before you even land. Also, get off me; you’re heavy.”

“Are you calling me fat?” she asked, rolling off me and onto the floor, catching herself before her body hit the ground.

“I’m not saying you’re fat… but you’re fat.” I was trying to sit up, but that became hard when I caught a wing to the face. It knocked me back and I coughed, a feather in my mouth.

“Hm? Oh, sorry. Just stretching. Since we can’t use the chariot, we’ll just fly.”

“Stretching, my ass,” I muttered, picking myself back off the bed.

“Well, I was going to,” she mused, rolling her withers. “Rarity quite enjoyed that. Let me tell you, I was really surprised, not that I was complaining.”

“I don’t even want to know. You ready to go?”

“Yes. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had such a flight. Do you want to make a game of it?”

“No. Let’s go.”

“Oh, you’re no fun. Are you really so afraid of losing that you won’t even try?”

“Is it a crime to want to enjoy a nice flight? Or to spend some time with you? Christ, if you want to go fast, we can just teleport there.”

“If you’re afraid of losing, you can just say so. I won’t judge you.”

“That’s nice. We going or what?” I was starting to get annoyed.

She smirked at me. “You’re starting to get annoyed, I think. Did I strike a nerve?”

“Bitch, I’m about to strike a nerve if you don’t leave me be. Just for that…” I hopped off the bed and used my wings to propel me onto her back. “I’m riding you into Ponyville.”

“I think we both know how well things went for you the last time you tried this.”

“Yeah, but that was in your dreams. I bet you’d love to be broken in and treated like my personal horse, wouldn’t you? All the little ponies watching their big princess get dominated and ridden like a common animal, brought low by the big, predatory human.” I leaned down and gently bit the back of her neck with my canines. To my surprise, she actually moaned and arched her neck backwards. “Wait, you actually get off to—”

Her horn lit up and tossed me onto the bed. “Rarity can wait,” she huskily whispered, turning to me. “Make me your animal!”

Welp.

The next day, I realized why riding horses bareback is a bad idea. Totally worth it, all things told, but Christ.

Also, I had a pair of visitors. “…Who are you?” I asked, looking down at the changeling on my doorstop.

“Oh right, sorry,” she answered, turning into Bon-Bon. “Lyra, stop messing with his flowers!”

The named pony walked into my view, looking at Bonnie. “Hey, he has some really pretty ones!” Then she looked over to me. “Hiya, Nav! You ready to fuck?”

I think Bonnie and I were both taken aback by that. “Do you really have to be so… up front about it?” Bon-Bon sighed, a hint of a blush on her face.

“Why sugarcoat it?” she asked, shrugging. “He knows why we’re here.”

“Actually, I have a confession of sorts to make,” I said. “That wasn’t me who agreed to it.”

“What do you mean, it wasn’t you?” Bon-Bon asked. “I know it wasn’t a changeling, because I was there. When Lyra asked. At the top of her lungs.” She turned to glare at her partner. “In the middle of the market.” She looked back to me. “I would have known if you were a changeling.”

“Long story short, there’s a spell out there that allows two people to swap bodies. Rarity and I swapped bodies that day as part of a bet. She thinks I’m a total slut and will fuck anything that moves.”

“Well… aren’t you?” Lyra asked.

“That’s beside the point. I do have some rules. One of those is that I don’t do anything with married or dating couples. It’s an honor thing.”

Bon-Bon seemed to let out a sigh of relief, but Lyra looked almost disappointed. “How else can we ever repay you?” she asked, honestly sounding distraught.

“By living together happily. And I might need to ask a favor later, but I’ll leave that for if I do end up needing it.”

Bonnie smiled. “I won’t say I’m disappointed, that’s for sure. One is more than enough for me. Two? Celestia, I don’t think I could handle two of you. I—we—do have some… other questions for you, though. Do you think you could help us?”

“Depends. What are the questions about?”

“Adoption.”

“Come on in,” I sighed, backing away from the entryway. “I’ll answer what I can.” The two of them stepped inside and I pushed the door closed behind them, then led the way to the living room. “Make yourselves comfortable. You two want anything?”

Lyra opened her mouth, but Bon-Bon cut her off with, “We’re fine,” as she sat on the couch. Lyra looked somewhat disappointed, but joined her lover on the couch. I sat down in my chair, happy that none of them could fit easily in it.

“Well, what do you want to know?”

“First, how did you go about adopting Taya?” Bonnie asked.

“My method was rather… different, I imagine, than how most would go about it. I found her in Egypt and brought her here. Celestia gave her the choice of staying with me or going to the orphanage. She stayed with me and that was that. If you wanted to adopt, though, you’d probably want to go to Canterlot and find Celestia’s orphanage.”

“How did Taya take to it?”

“Very well. It was by her request that she came with me, after all. I imagine you’d have to spend some time with whoever you wanted to adopt to see if you can get along. You’d be better off not adopting at all—maybe finding a sperm donor—if you can’t find anyone at the agency you can get along with.”

“That was the original plan,” Lyra said with a shrug.

“But we figured we could help somepony,” Bon-Bon added. “Besides, it might be easier to explain to somepony older why I’m so different.”

“Whatever works for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t many kids there, though; I don’t think Equestria breeds many orphans.”

“Probably not, but we’ll try,” Bon-Bon said. “Have you had any big… problems with Taya? That would stem from her adoption, I mean.”

“From that, no, but I believe Taya is very different in that matter. You might get some resentment if you adopt. Might, might not. It really depends on the kid. However… Well, the big part of adoption is that at some point, the kids being adopted were abandoned. Be it through death, injury, disaster, or just purposeful abandonment, they were left behind. It took me a while to get Taya to open up about it and I only even tried when I knew she was comfortable. So if you adopt one of these kids, you better make absolutely sure that you give no indication that you’d abandon them or return them.”

“We’ll remember that,” Bon-Bon said, nodding. “Would it be a good idea to try to get them to open up about it?”

“Yes. Don’t push them and wait until you think they’re ready. I know I was depressed as all hell when… Well, never mind. Basically, just wait until they’re ready. You’ll probably know when.”

“When were you depressed?” Lyra asked.

“Let’s just say that Taya isn’t the only one that’s an orphan. Except instead of just my parents, my entire race is dead. Not important. Any other questions?” The two of them shared what seemed like a shocked look. I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’m fine. Yes, I said that callously. It happened and that’s the end of it. I’m over it. And don’t ask. Now, questions about the adoption thing?”

They shared another look and shrugged before turning back to me. “How much does it cost to cover her food?”

“Not much, but I don’t really pay attention to that. I usually send Doppel to get groceries. Since I don’t eat much and Doppel and Eva feed off me, groceries are cheap. It would probably cost more to get them toys and a place to sleep and all that fun stuff. But whatever the cost, I assure you that it’s well worth it.”

“What about school?”

“Yeah… I fucked up there. I didn’t put her in school, thinking the magic education she was getting was good enough. Definitely put your kid there. You’d have to talk to Cheerilee to get the information about it. I can’t really help you with bullies. Taya solved that problem for herself.”

“Hm… Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?”

“One thing I learned myself about parenting, though I don’t know if it’s unique to Taya or what. If you treat your kid like an equal, he’ll strive to earn that respect. Don’t just tell him something is wrong. Explain why it’s wrong, if you can. Treat them like they’re smart, not like you think they’re retarded. Of course, this does bring a few problems when you have to remind him who’s boss, but it’s usually worth it. And you might… Well, you might get some hate from other ponies, adults. Bon-Bon, you’re a changeling. I’ve already heard a few whispers that you’re just using Lyra for food. Imagine what those rumors would turn into if you adopted. I don’t know if you’ll actually find any trouble, but you should expect it.”

“I’m aware,” she sighed, looking down. Her eyes actually flickered to their real color for a second. “But Lyra and I want to try anyway. As long as the pony we adopt accepts me, I don’t care what anypony else thinks.”

I shrugged. “Can’t fault your spirit. Any other questions?”

Lyra said, “Sooooo… No threesome?”

“I’m afraid not,” I answered. “Sorry.”

She sighed. “It’s alright… But you,” she said, looking at Bon-Bon, “are going to have to use hands tonight.”

Bonnie sighed. “Yes, dear…” She looked over to me and mouthed, “Help me.”

“Hm… I’m not really interested, but Doppel might be. If you really want to try a threesome, ask her. Just think, Lyra: You can have two Bon-Bons to play with.”

Lyra’s eyes widened and she turned to Bon-Bon with a big smile. “Absolutely not,” Bonnie flatly said. “I will not have anypony else feeding off you.”

“Aww… Well, I guess we can find somepony at the Clam Jousting Club.”

“Hmph. Well Nav, I think that’s everything we need. We’ll go ahead and get out of your mane.”

“Alright. You have any more questions, I’ll be happy to help.”

My next visitor, a few days later, was an upset Rarity. When I opened the door, she thrust a piece of paper in my face. “And just what is this about?” she demanded as I took the letter in my hands.

“Let’s see… ‘Ah, Mistress Rarity! What a delightful experience our meeting was! Oh, but I long for your touch again, your commanding words and attitude… By the darkness, I wish you had taken me! At the time, I was too nervous, but now… Now, I want you. I need you. Come back to Detrot and make me your slave of love! Lustfully yours, Intelligentsia.’” I looked up to find her practically fuming. “Yeah, about that…”

“What. Did. You. Do?”

“Alright, in Detrot, the governor tried to rape me in your body. I threw a pitcher of water at him then electrocuted him. The arc lightning hit his bodyguard, who was a changeling of the intelligentsia class who was there to spy on him. Since the governor was dead and I didn’t want questions to be asked, I forced the changeling to take his spot. It turns out that he had a fetish for getting ordered around by a strong woman. I told him to fuck off. Looks like he didn’t take the advice to heart.”

“There are a lot of problems with almost everything you just said. First, the governor tried to rape me?”

“Yeah. Said he had a lot of dirt on you and that if I wanted it kept quiet, I’d play along. I didn’t, so he ordered the changeling to hold me down.”

“…I see. Do the others know?”

“Nope.”

“And then you… murdered him?”

“Self-defense, actually. It wasn’t in cold blood.”

“I don’t know what that means. What’s an intelligentsia?”

“The highest ranking changelings that aren’t royalty. They’re the smartest ones.”

“And now there’s a changeling ruling Detrot?”

“Yep. He’ll only be there for another three weeks before he’s supposed to go back to his hive. You should respond to him before he leaves so he doesn’t show up here.”

“I don’t want to respond to this filth! What if it just encourages him?!”

“Threaten to have him arrested if he shows up here. Tell him upfront that you want nothing to do with him. Although I don’t see what the problem is. You don’t even know the guy. And hell, you seem like the kind of girl that would be into femdom.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re a dominating, conniving cunt that likes to be in control.” Her eyes bulged out and her mouth dropped. “Anyway, have fun with your admirer. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Before she could say anything else, I used both hands to slam the letter down on her horn and then closed the door in her face. After a second of thought, I gently turned the lock and walked away.

The next thing of interest happened a week later. It was just a letter from Gilda, though. The fun one, not the royal one.

‘Yo Nav, if you’re still going on that trip thing, count me in. I’m getting really bored in this place and I keep getting proposals from a bunch of ugly old dweebs. When we leaving? – Gilda, OG.’

Christ, her handwriting is awful. I wrote out a quick response, telling her when I was planning on sending the airship to Europe. I was going to teleport there with Spike, Celestia, and whoever she was bringing. The airship would go before we left, hopefully getting there when I did. The goal is to keep everyone from learning that I’m leaving, or at the very least, keep how I’m leaving quiet.

Here’s hoping it works.

My last visitor before the shit hit the fan was a somewhat familiar face. He also interrupted a very important dream session by dragging my consciousness out of the inky void that is the dreamscape.

I shot upright, clutching at my throat and gasping, feeling my skin turn icy-cold. My bloodshot eyes met those of my assailant, a concerned looking night guard unicorn.

“What’s wrong, sir?” Watcher immediately asked, putting a hoof on my shoulder.

“Never. Wake. Me. Up,” I hissed, the feeling of getting forced out of the dream zone finally subsiding.

He blinked in confusion a few times before the realization struck him. “You’re helping the princess with dreams, aren’t you? She forbids us from waking her when she’s in that state.”

“I was. Now I know why she forbids it. Christ!” I shivered and ruffled my wings, trying to shake off the goose bumps. “The fuck do you even want?”

“To report a few things. How awake do you feel?”

“About as awake as you’d feel after having a gallon of ice water poured on you.”

“Neither of the princesses seem concerned about Discord’s probable return. Both of them mentioned the elements of harmony. I don’t know if they’re hiding their concern to keep morale up or if they truly don’t believe it’s a problem.”

“Is it?”

“…All signs that I see point to yes. I got access to a prisoner that worked with assassins some months ago, the ones that tried to attack Cadance and her foal. He’s a madpony now, with no filter of any kind on him. He spoke of a mix and matched monster that haunts his memory. That’s all I could get from him before he broke down. And I was part of a team that assaulted a monastery on the other side of the planet. By the time we got there, only a few survivors remained. Each was stark raving mad and close to death. One spoke of a unicorn with a destroyed but active horn. Two wailed about a creature of legend and madness come to spread chaos to their minds. One old pony just rocked back and forth, muttering about seeing forever. I heard he withered away in prison. The only coherent thing we got out of him was a single word… Anonymous, whatever that means.”

That hit me like a brick. “Anonymous?” I whispered, blinking. “How would he know that name?”

“That’s a name?” Watcher asked. “Who is it? That could help with our investigation!”

“It’s… a human thing. I just can’t imagine how a pony could have known about it… But yes, all of this definitely points to something. Something big. Did you show the first prisoner pictures of the statue?”

“I did. That’s what made him break down. He did say one thing before I was forced to leave, though. Empty. That’s all he said. I believe he was referring to the statue. When he said that, I remembered what you told me about it being hollow and went to check on it for myself. There’s nothing in there. I’m positive he’s free.”

“So what do we do? If the princesses didn’t believe you or Reginald, they won’t believe me. And what can we do against something like him?”

“Us, nothing. And you’re right, they wouldn’t believe you… Which is what led me to a conclusion. You, Sir Navarone, are hiding something. Something that might give us an edge, I believe. I won’t pry, though Celestia knows I could. No, I decided, and my troops decided with me. We’re going with you, if the offer still stands.”

I felt a smile coming to my face. “It does. It’s… good to have you and your hardened troops aboard. Before we leave, though, you’ll all have to muster out of the guard. I don’t want any old allegiances pulling anyone behind.”

“I have nothing but veterans. We’re all due for retirement. And if we come back wanting to rejoin, I believe Celestia will allow it.”

“Excellent. Make the arrangements. Let me write out the information you’ll need…” As I rolled out of bed, I felt a growing sense of elation. Sure, an old eldritch horror was probably running free and seemed to want to finish the extinction he started millennia ago, but everything else was looking up. I had my griffin and I had a battle-hardened group of soldiers with me. I was starting to feel more confident about the coming trip.

Okay, not quite the last thing… A few days after that, I received a reminder in the mail about a party I was forced to go to, Luna’s so-called ‘Rambunctiously Radical Rave.’ I swear to God, these damn horses need to get better PR departments or something. These names are awful.

Either way, I got the official ‘invitation,’ which for some reason implied that I had a choice in the matter. It did not come with any secondary invitations for a date. I decided to show up with one anyway, because it’s not like the guards would stop me and pissing Luna off is always fun.

Picking who to take was the hard part. I mean, it was already narrowed down to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, but I didn’t know which of those would enjoy it more. In the end, I flipped a coin and decided mid-flip that fuck Pinkie, I was taking Dash. After all, she’s less annoying and wouldn’t annoy me all night.

…It never occurred to me to take Doppel or Eva, strangely enough. Which, as it turned out, was a good thing.

Now, hunting down Rainbow Dash is a pain in the ass. Always has been. When she’s not napping in the weirdest places, she’s flying around at the speed of sound. Well, usually slower than that, but she does randomly break the sound barrier for the fun of it. Probably the easiest way to find her is to ask Pinkie, I’ve found. Unfortunately, that means talking to Pinkie.

…And also finding Pinkie. When I looked in Sugarcube Corner, Mrs. Cake was behind the counter. “Do you happen to know where Pinkie is?” I asked, already dreading the coming search.

“I believe she said that she was going to ‘hang out’ with Rainbow Dash today,” she answered with a helpful smile.

God fucking dammit. “She didn’t happen to say where they were going, did she?”

“I’m afraid not. You know how she is.”

“Unfortunately, I do. Very well, then, let the hunt begin.” Hunting Pinkie Pie truly is the most dangerous game, assuming you consider getting snuck up on and spooked dangerous.

The closest of her main friends’ houses was Twilight’s library, so that’s where I went first. I was expecting Twilight to be there with Taya, but instead all I found was a bored dragon lounging on a beanbag and reading a geography book.

He looked up when I walked in. “Dude, can we talk?” he asked, tossing the book aside.

“Sure. What’s the subject?”

“Doppel. What’s up with her, man? I thought we had something going!”

Oooh boy. “Alright, there are several kinds of women in the world. Doppel is what we know as a complete and total slut. That means most or all she wants out of any kind of relationship is sex. I thought you knew that.”

“I did! But then I saw her with that other changeling…”

“Maybe you’re not understanding me. All she wants out of all of her relationships is sex. Not just with you. From what I’ve heard, she’s the town bicycle at this point. I think all the unattached stallions have fucked her and so have about half the mares. I forbade her from going after anyone too young or in a relationship, or her collection would be larger. Doppel doesn’t form single relationships, or at least, she hasn’t done it yet. She is a nymphomaniac, physically and mentally addicted to sex. That’s all there really is to it.”

He sat there in silence for a few seconds before sighing and looking away. “I don’t understand mares, Nav.”

“Bitches be trippin’, man. There’s one out there for you.”

He snorted. “Yeah, if I keep looking.” He looked back to me. “After Rarity and Doppel, I don’t know if I want to.”

“You’ve got a long life to live. Don’t swear off relationships based on two bad experiences. Besides, Doppel wasn’t even a bad experience. Just not what you expected.”

“I never said I would swear off relationships. Just off mares.”

“…If you go gay, I won’t promise to wingman for you. And you know that would just prove Rarity right. No one wants that to happen.”

“Ah, you’re right… I’ll think it over. What was it you always said about stuff like that? ‘Give it time?’ I guess that’s what I’ll do. Besides, how would guys even have sex? That seems like it would hurt…”

“Eh, they don’t mind as long as you’re gentle and use plenty of lube. Ask Doppel to let you try anal next time you see her.”

“Nah. I think I’m done with her for a while. That was fun, but I’m not certain I want to deal with her again. Besides, what if I walk in on her again?”

“Just go over and join the fun. I bet she wouldn’t mind a threesome.”

“That’s… Huh. So more than one can… Hmm.”

“Yeah. Now before you ever ask a girl that, know that some will find it insulting that you even asked them. And a lot of guys don’t like the idea, either.”

“Have you ever had one?”

“Yeah, but both times I did it, there were two girls. And then there was that orgy when I was drugged, but you were there for that one.”

“I… forgot about that, actually. That night was a haze.”

“I still don’t remember any of it. Anyway, do you know where Pinkie or Rainbow Dash is?”

“Nope.”

“Do you think Twilight would know?”

“I doubt it. She was taking Taya down to one of the lakes to do something with water and magic.”

“Damn. Maybe I should just wait until tonight and break into her dreams…”

“Dude, what? Break into somepony’s dream?”

“Yeah. Being Luna’s knight has some interesting perks. Being able to do weird shit with dreams is one of them.”

“Can you get into mine?”

“Nope. I can only get into pony dreams. If you were attuned to the device thing, I could possibly get into yours.”

“Aww… Oh well.”

“You’re not missing much. Mostly I just fuck with people and give nightmares to those I don’t like or want to scare. I occasionally also bust bad dreams. Gives me something to do. Anyway, I need to go find Dash.”

“Good luck.” I turned to go, but stopped when he said, “Just a sec… Are you sure Doppel wouldn’t mind a threesome?”

“She probably wouldn’t. You can’t know until you ask, though.”

“…Would you?”

“I’ll think about it. See you later, Spike.” I quickly let myself out before he could say anything else. Christ, that’s awkward as hell.

“Could be worse,” Flo said. “At least he’s asking for a threesome with a girl instead of a guy. Or just, you know, to have sex with you.”

True. Still, it’s odd. And I’m not certain I should go for it.

“You really shouldn’t, but it’s been over a week since you last had sex. Just because you aren’t addicted anymore doesn’t mean you can’t at least have some fun. I know how much you normal races enjoy it.”

That isn’t the point and you know it. Should I really do something like that with a good friend of mine? I don’t know if I should risk that kind of awkwardness.

“I don’t think he’d hold it against you if you didn’t. But it would be a new experience, to spitroast someone.”

That you even know that word is strange. Using it is even stranger.

“I’m not a goddess of decorum, Nav. I can let my figurative hair down. Speaking of which, you never did let me try sex in your body…”

Fine. You can play with Doppel tonight, if she’s up for it. No gender stones, though, at least not tonight.

“Something to look forward to, I suppose. I’ll try to mimic you.”

Not like I’ll be watching.

While that internal dialogue was going on, I was walking through Ponyville, trying to find any sign of either the prismatic lesbian or the pink menace. I couldn’t see hide nor tail of either of them, which really wasn’t all that surprising. Ponyville wasn’t a large place, but it was still easy enough to miss someone if you didn’t know where they were.

I finally found Pinkie in front of Rose’s house, seemingly directing Rainbow Dash as she maneuvered an unpleasant looking cloud into position near the door. I was tempted to stand back and watch, but I had a feeling that the two of them would fucking bail as soon as they finished whatever prank they were doing. With that in mind, I walked up to Pinkie. “Can I borrow Dash for a sec?” I asked.

“Does it have to be now?” Pinkie replied.

“No, but it took me a while to track you two down and I really don’t want to have to do it again. I just want to ask her something.”

“Silly Navi, she’s a lesbian! She’ll probably answer no.”

“I don’t even… Dash! Get down here for a sec! Also, don’t call me that.”

Rainbow flinched when she heard me calling for her, but when she realized it was just me she didn’t waste any time joining us on the ground. “What do you need, Nav?”

“What do you think of rave parties?”

“They’re alright, I guess. Why?”

“Luna’s hosting one. I figured you’d enjoy it. Want to go?”

As I was expecting from asking that question in front of Pinkie, she was suddenly all up in my face. “Oooh, oooh, can I go?”

“No. Dash?”

“Could be fun, I guess. When is it?”

“Why can’t I go?” Pinkie whined.

“Because I can probably only get one other person in. It’s in three days, at night. The invitation said not to dress up.”

“Alright, I’m in. Although if Pinkie really wants to go…”

“Aren’t you Princess Luna’s knight, Nav?” Pinkie asked. “Can’t you get anypony in?”

“I’m not gonna push my luck. Come by my house before the sun goes down in three days, Dash. We’ll fly over there.”

“Alright, see you then. Hey, you want to watch something funny?”

I had a suspicion of what they were planning to do and I really didn’t want to watch that. Scaring Rose is funny and all, but it’s too easy to do. “I’ll pass. See you both when I see you. And Pinkie, if you get a chance, pay Spike a visit. He seems pretty down.” As evil as it seems to unleash Pinkie upon someone, I knew she could probably make him smile somehow. She’s good at that.

“I’ll be sure to pay him a visit! After we finish up here, of course…” Dash took off again and went back to the cloud. I just shook my head and walked off, heading back towards my not so humble home.

That night, Flo got to pop her figurative cherry in my body. It was... surprisingly erotic. Actually being able to see Doppel’s reactions from a detached perspective was amazing and well worth the awkwardness I went through.

The day of the party was bitingly cold and snowy. Not at all something either Rainbow Dash or I wanted to fly in, though she pretended she was okay with it. Thankfully, she arranged for a path to be left in the clouds for us to fly out. It would still be bitingly cold, but it wouldn’t be snowy. All I had to do was follow the damn pony.

“You better go slow, Dash,” I said, putting on a heavy coat. The wing slits in the back slid closed over the protrusions. “If I lose you, I’m going up to break the cloud cover.”

“That would be a bad idea. You should know that by now, Nav. If you try going above the clouds, you might get lost up there.”

“There’s a simple solution, then,” I replied, smiling. “Fly slowly.”

“Ugh. Fine. But if we freeze to death on the way because you took too long, it’ll be your fault.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Next time we can just go by train.”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “That slow thing? Yeah right. Now let’s go.”

My feathers ruffled as I pulled my custom goggles over my face. “Lead the way. Following behind your flickering tail is always fun.”

She smacked me with it, giving me a mock glare. “That was a one-time deal, Nav.”

“Hey, I have gender changing stones… And you did seem to enjoy human chicks.”

“Hmm… We need to go. Let’s get out of here, Nav.”

I nodded to the door. “Lead the way.” She nodded and out we both went, into the cold pre-night gloom. “Christ, I hate winter,” I sighed, rubbing my arms.

“Stop being such a baby.” I pulled the door closed, grumbling. When I turned back, she was already in the air. “Let’s go.”

I hopped into the air and began following behind her. Thankfully, she was going slow enough for me to easily keep up. Not so thankfully, her tail was keeping her well covered. But I’ve seen all she had to offer before, so it’s not like I was really missing anything. On we flew, the clouds hiding the setting sun from our view and casting a premature night over our semi-clear path through the snow.

It took us about ten minutes to get out of the clouds and into the hills approaching the city of Canterlot. When we did, I was able to pull up next to Dash. “Haven’t seen you in town much,” she yelled over the wind.

“Haven’t been in town much,” I called back.

“You should spend more time there! Ponies miss you, Nav. We don’t get to hang out that much anymore and everyone else wouldn’t mind seeing you more often. Hero like you shouldn’t be spending all your time locked inside.”

“Hmph. Why you saying everyone? I thought you damn ponies said shit like everypony.”

“That human guy we talked to in the bunker was right, Nav: Saying things like everypony and anypony… It’s wrong. It excludes everyone else, you know? And I got to thinking about it. Gilda always did give me a look when I said something like that around her.” After a few seconds of silence, she continued, “I just wish some of the other ponies agreed.”

“Most of the ponies in Ponyville don’t see many other races aside from ponies, at least not commonly. They don’t change because there’s no reason to change. Racism is all well and good when there aren’t any other races around. Keeps people united.”

“That… that isn’t right! What about Bon-Bon? Or Spike? Or hay, you?”

“What about us? Until recently, Bon-Bon was just as much a pony as anyone else there. Same for Spike, even if he was more obviously different. And me, I’ve proven my worth. I was treated like an outsider when I got here, but when I proved that I was one of the good ones, someone like Spike, they warmed up to me. All three of us are as good as ponies, now. Same small-town racism and elitism you’d find anywhere else. If I didn’t have you, Twilight, and all your friends backing me up when I got here, how long do you think I would have lasted before I got run out of town?”

She didn’t answer.

“That’s the way things are in towns like that, Dash,” I said. “Remember that minotaur that came by a few years ago? To put on a show? I heard people talking about it. No one went there for his lessons. They all went there to see a freak, to see something that doesn’t belong with them. Something unusual. So yeah. Keep saying everyone and things like that, but don’t expect most people in Ponyville to back you up on it.”

“We should be better than that, Nav!” she shouted, finally turning her head to look at me. “Friendship should be above things like that!”

“Oh believe me, it is. Funny thing about friendship, though: You have to be willing to give it time. I was, with Ponyville. But it took Ponyville a long time to be willing to give me time.”

“Friendliness, then! We should be able to do that! It’s the bucking Equestrian motto!”

“Should and would don’t mean shit, Dash. You have to do. You think your people should be above that? Tell them, not me. Nothing puts a fire under someone’s ass like being shamed. Anyway, we’re there. You see a good place to land?”

“This isn’t over,” she promised, looking back down to the ground. “Follow me in.” I didn’t pay any attention to what she was doing. Landing is easy, after all. I just wanted her to shut up because we were getting into some uncomfortable topics. “So where are we supposed to go now?” she asked when we were on the front lawn of the palace.

“Invite doesn’t say. I figure the guards’ll know. They should be changing shifts about now, I’d think.”

“You sure you want to mess with the guards? They never do anything!”

“The night guards are much cooler than the day guards. And since I’m a commanding officer, they’re obligated to answer my questions anyway.”

“Unless they’re me,” a new female voice calmly said, making Dash jump. We both turned to see Midnight Blossom, commander of the night guard, standing behind us.

“Where did you come from?” I asked.

“Around. Princess Luna asked me to make sure her guests were safe tonight. I just got on scene.”

“Cool. You going to be joining us at the party? Wouldn’t mind seeing you dancing.”

She snorted. “No. Most of my troops and I will be guarding. There will be a few guards at the party itself, but not many.”

“…Alright. Can you tell us where the main area is? I figure I should let Luna know I’m here.”

“I’ll walk you there. I need to report in myself.”

“Even better. Lead the way. Oh, and this is Rainbow Dash. Dash, this is Captain Midnight, head of the night guard.”

Dash held out a hoof. “Nice to meet you!”

Blossom looked at it for a second before shaking it. “Likewise. Friends of Sir Navarone are welcome. Now come. The party starts soon and stragglers will have a difficult time getting in.” She pushed in front of us, leading us to the palace. Dash and I began following her.

After a few seconds of walking, Dash asked, “So uh… Midnight, what’s with the fangs?”

“They scare criminals and opponents.”

“Are they… you know, real?”

“Very. Why, Miss Dash?” she asked, turning her head to look at Dash.

“N-no reason…”

“So you say,” Blossom faintly whispered, turning back to face forward. “Sir Navarone, I have heard interesting things these past few months about you. Watcher is leaving the guard. Some say he’s leaving them to sign on with you.”

“That’s interesting to hear,” I diplomatically answered.

“A certain princess will be quite livid, if that is the case. After all, the servants of her servant should be loyal to her as well. Why would they need to leave her service explicitly if they are just going to serve you?”

“That would be a very interesting question, if it was true.”

“Watcher and his troops will be missed. Take care of them, Nav. I can’t imagine what use you might have for them, but take care of them.”

I didn’t answer. Dash did, though. “What’s she talking about, Nav? Why would you hire soldiers?”

Ugh. “Don’t you worry about a thing, skittles. And who ever said I hired them?”

“Well, she said—”

“That there was a rumor they signed on with me. A rumor, nothing more.”

“So you didn’t hire them?”

“Nope.” No one ever said anything about paying, after all. It isn’t hiring if you don’t pay.

…I should probably talk to Watcher about that. If they were expecting a salary, I’d need to be ready for it.

“Then what was she talking about, take care of them?”

“Watcher’s a friend of mine. If he doesn’t have a job lined up after he leaves the guard, I might have to help take care of him. What did you think she meant?”

“…I dunno. I just thought… Well, whatever.”

“Navarone, never go into politics,” Blossom said. “You would tear Canterlot apart.”

“I know we don’t always get along, but you don’t have to insult me so rudely,” I said in mock pain. “Politics is beneath me. I am merely an everyman, trying to survive by whatever means I can.”

“Don’t even try to pull that lie. At ease, troopers.” We were finally passing into the entrance of the palace. The two guards saluted as we passed by and dropped it at her command. “I know plenty about you, Navarone. More than enough to say you’re exceptional by pony standards. Human standards, I can’t say.”

“Exceptional, eh? If you’re finally interested, I can skip out on the party and join you instead. I’m sure we can find a nice secluded spot…”

“No. The princess wants—blood, she needs you—at the party tonight.” Never heard that expletive before. “She’d stake me up to dry if I let you skip this thing.”

I sighed. “Ah well. You sure I can’t sneak out once it starts?”

“You don’t know what kind of party this is, do you?”

“Some kind of stupid rave, isn’t it? I don’t like those newfangled things. I’m only here because Luna’s forcing me. And Dash is only here because I figured I could use her to piss Luna off for a few seconds.”

“Hey, what?”

Blossom snorted. “Foolish. But it’s done. As for the party… Well, I have a feeling that you’ll be surprised. Princess Luna and some DJ called Vinyl Scratch prepared very well for this event. Everyone that’s involved will definitely remember it for some time.”

“Blossom, are you ever excited for anything?” I asked. “I swear, your voice is as dead as mine.”

“A long career in a job like mine doesn’t leave much room for excitement,” she answered just as drily as everything else had been.

“True enough. Where the hell is Luna, anyway?”

“The assembly hall. You two are early, as you should be. I’m surprised that the princess hasn’t yet told you what’s going to happen.”

Personally, I didn’t really care. Dash did, though. “So what is going to happen?”

I could see the sides of Blossom’s face perk up in a mirthless grin. “Why, you’re going to take a little nap.”

Now, of course I know what she was talking about, but Dash had no clue. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ll see,” I told her. “This party just got interesting. And I guess that explains why Luna would need me.”

“That’s one reason, yes. Moral support is another. She hasn’t done anything like this since… before. And even then, it had been several years since she bothered. She wants to know she has someone she can count on next to her.”

“Then it’s a good thing I brought Dash here. If you can’t depend on the element of loyalty, who can you trust?”

Dash sighed. “She meant you, dude.”

Neither I nor Blossom pointed out the obvious.

When we finally got to the large gathering hall, we found several off-duty night guards talking in small groups. A few early guests mingled as well. There was a small refreshment table set up for early comers. I saw Luna standing next to a large covered object on the stage of the meeting hall, nervously shifting her position. Two guards flanked her. Vinyl Scratch stood in one of the groups of early visitors, talking.

Luna’s eyes seemed to light up when she saw us and her nervousness vanished. She did seem somewhat put off by Rainbow Dash, but it wasn’t as bad as I was hoping. Either way, she didn’t move as the three of us walked over to her.

Midnight saluted when we were closer. “Reporting, Princess.”

“I see that, Captain. Everypony is in position, I assume?”

The salute dropped. “Yes, Princess. No signs of trouble on the way in. Permission to observe from the shadows?”

“Do what you do best, Captain. Everything should begin on schedule, at this rate.”

Blossom saluted again for a short second before walking between me and Dash, going back the way we came without a word.

“So why are you up here instead of out there?” I asked before Luna could say anything, nodding toward the small crowd.

“That would be… improper,” she hesitantly answered.

“It might have been a thousand years ago. Now you just seem like a dick. You should be out there, socializing.”

“…Perhaps. Navarone, why is Loyalty here with you?”

“It’s Rainbow Dash, Princess,” Dash said before I could answer. “Fastest flier in Equestria!”

Neither of us even spared her a glance. “She likes rave parties. I figured I could bring her by. I assumed you wouldn’t mind.”

“I see,” Luna answered, her tone icy. “Rainbow Dash, please help yourself to the small pre-party hospitalities. I need to speak with my knight.”

“Uh, alright,” Dash somewhat nervously said. “See you later, Nav.” With that, she jumped up and hovered off.

Flo whispered, “Eggshells, Nav. Be careful.”

I grinned, feeling in my element. “What do you need, Luna?”

“You realize that your invitation didn’t include a guest, right?”

“I don’t see what it matters if I brought a date.”

Luna finally grinned. “If she was your date, your voice would be a lot higher. Rainbow Dash prefers mares.”

“Damn, I knew I should have brought someone else. Ah well, you caught me. Now what do you need?”

“Right now, I need you to stabilize the dream realm I have set up. They begin to grow weak after so long of not being tended to. Which leads to your final lesson in dream walking: Getting to the dreamscape while awake. It’s the exact same as escaping from a dream. You just have to block out all your waking senses and escape as you would normally.”

“Easy enough. How do I find your little dream realm?”

“Just search for my mind. You should be able to find it like that. You’ll need to go into another room to do it, though. I have no idea what happens if you get caught in a sleep spell when already in the land of dreams.”

“I’ll find a sitting room or something nearby, then. See you when you get there.”

“Very well. Would you care for a guard? It might be prudent to be watched.”

“I wouldn’t say no, but it probably isn’t necessary.”

“Better to be safe than sorry. And I need to get my on duty guards out of here before the spell is cast anyway.” She looked behind her at one of the guards. “Smiles, go with Navarone. Make sure he comes to no harm.”

Christ, why is it always Smiles? “Yes, Princess,” he happily answered.

“Well, come on then,” I sighed, leading the way back to the doors. “How’s life been treating you?”

“Typical guard fare, sir,” he answered. “I did hear a rumor, though… Is it true that Watcher is working for you now?”

“You shouldn’t listen to rumors, Smiles.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, sir.”

“Are you sure about that? I think it did. And I know it’s the only answer you’ll be getting from me.”

“…If it is true, do you need somepony else? Security guard? Bodyguard? Butler? Fluffer?”

“The hell is a fluffer?”

“…Don’t worry about it.”

“Either way, the answer is possibly. I doubt it, though. The naga I have living with me apparently decided it was a good idea to swear himself to me as my sword. He’s all the bodyguard I need. And he scares everyone away, so there’s that. I already have a maid that also functions as concubine. No telling what the future might bring, though. Why? You looking for a new line of work?”

“I… Forget it, sir.”

“Hey, you got a problem with Luna, I’d like to hear it. If it’s about the captain or life in the royal guard, I don’t care. But if it’s with Luna, it’s important.”

“I have a few problems, but I don’t think this is the time or the place to voice them.”

“Fair enough.” We were back in the hallways, at that point. “Which rooms are empty?”

“Most of these should be.” He walked up to one door and rapped on it with his hoof. After several seconds of silence, he broke physics by turning the handle with his hoof. In doing so, he revealed a rather small sitting room. “This alright, sir?”

“Can the sir shit, Smiles. You know me better than that. And yeah, this is fine. Chair’s too tiny, but I can just curl up on the floor.”

“The princess doesn’t usually need to sit or lie down to enter the dreamscape.”

“She also has four legs to balance on. I have half that number. And I’ll probably be there for the duration of the party.” I pulled my jacket off and bundled it up, dropping it on the carpet. Then I kicked my shoes off. “Find a book and get comfortable. You’re in for a long, dull wait.”

He pulled the door shut behind him as I got on the floor, using the jacket as a pillow. Flo, would you kindly send me off?

She did so without a word, casting me into the world of dreams. I quickly searched for Luna’s little world and found it without much effort. “I wonder how she built this?” I mused aloud as I entered the main room. It was a huge room, bigger than the gathering hall. The floor felt like it was made of grass or perhaps loam, but didn’t leave a mess on my feet. Above me, the stars glittered in the sky, casting a pale light down on the seemingly enclosed room. The moon was full and bright, helping the stars illuminate the area. There were no walls, but there were doorways standing out in the darkness. When I looked closer at one, I realized I couldn’t see anything inside of it besides glowing white words that said ‘POOL’. Each of the several doorways was the same.

As I was looking, a shape appeared next to me. “I believe I’ll enjoy this party,” Flo said, taking on the form of a watery pony. “With this many ponies, I can fit in without any suspicions.”

“When they start showing up, sure. Until then, get back in my head. We don’t know what Luna has planned and I don’t want to risk her sending someone else in first.”

“Fair enough. It was more of a warning, anyway. I won’t be paying full attention to you tonight. I think some time off is due.” With that said, she flowed back into me, absorbing into my body.

Just in time, too. “Sup, Nav?” Vinyl Scratch asked, floating down from the sky.

“You. Did Luna send you here to set up the music?”

“Yeah. She just needed you to make sure this place was solid first. And that it stayed solid… Heh, apparently I’m really bad about ruining a place if it’s just me there.”

“Strange, but whatever. You need any help?”

“Nah. Luna showed me how everything here worked. I should be more than ready before everypony gets here. Might even have enough time for me to give you a reward…”

“What for? All I did was show up.”

“For making me the biggest name in music in history! I was already famous, but with the stuff you showed me, I’ve spread out and pretty much remade all kinds of magical music! Dubhoof, magiconica, synthesis… Everything! Everypony else you showed that stuff to is also getting up there in fame, too, but nothing like what I’m doing. And with the weed and the alcohol… I could retire and live as long as the princesses and never go hungry.”

“Well that’s good to hear. Anyway, you should get to work. Don’t want the guests to arrive to a dead party.”

“Yeah.” She started walking to what seemed to be the middle of the large area. I followed, moving slower. “Hey, you going to the Europe party this year? Heard it’s in Stalliongrad. The Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree or something like that.”

“Yeah, I’m going. Lookin’ forward to it, too.”

“Same here, though I don’t think I’ll be doing much music this time. And hey, I heard the minotaurs are finally coming back to this one.”

“Well that’s… interesting. I haven’t met many of them.”

“That’s because there aren’t many to meet.” It seemed she got where she wanted to go, because she stopped. After a second, she reared back, lifting her front hooves in the air. As she did so, massive speakers lifted from the floor, pointing in every direction.

“You know, you don’t really need those. In this place, you can make music as easily as thinking about it.” To demonstrate, I started playing a song in my head and projected it outward.

“Yeah, I could do that. But this way, we don’t have to worry about anypony else thinking a song into existence and messing up mine. I’ll be the loudest one out there.”

“Fair enough.” She pulled up some kind of sound board and began fiddling with it.

“These speakers are mostly for show, anyway. For their benefit. In effect, I will be doing what you said. But having these speakers here means that everypony will think the music is coming from them and they won’t even try to interrupt me.”

“Nice. So you’re pretty much set up, then?”

“Yep. I’m gonna see you out on the dance floor, right?”

“Unlikely.”

“What?!”

“I like this music and I have danced to it before, but that’s not really my thing. I’ll be around, but probably not in here that often. Is there going to be an orgy room?”

Vinyl sighed. “I tried, but apparently Celestia wouldn’t allow it. There are private rooms, though, so if you can get enough ponies together in one, you’re free to have an orgy. Just let me know if you do; I’ll be sure to jump in now that you aren’t drugged.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. When’s this party slated to start?”

“Oh, we still have half an hour or so. Plenty of time, I think,” she finished, smirking. Her horn lit up and my pants slid down. After a second of thought, I made her glasses disappear. “Tell me again how beautiful my eyes are,” she whispered, looking up at me as she glided her mouth in for a special kiss.

The first guests began appearing just over half an hour later. Vinyl and I had finished before then, of course. The first dozen guests in were rather confused, looking around the landscape in shock. I figured that might be my cue to actually do something useful.

Standing up on shaky legs, I walked out of the circle of speakers and closer to the growing mass of ponies. “Welcome, all,” I quietly said, using my mind to amplify my voice. “Welcome to Princess Luna’s dream wonderland.”

Vinyl was suddenly beside me. “Hey, everypony! Who’s ready to party?!”

None of the regular ponies, it seemed. Some of them actually looked scared. All of Luna’s off duty guards looked considerably livelier. “Where are we?” one voice from the group of normal ponies asked.

“You’re in a dream,” I answered. “Here, anything is possible. You just have to will it.” As I said that, I held up my hand and encompassed it in flowing water, a ball of the stuff cooling me quickly. When I finished speaking, I clenched my fist, freezing the entire ball of water into ice. There were several gasps when I showed off the power. I quickly let the ball of ice evaporate away, replaced by fire. “No danger, no pain. It’s the perfect night of wonder… Now let’s hear it for our host, Princess Luna!”

I waved my firearm behind me, the flame going out as Princess Luna stepped forward, acknowledging me with a nod. The only reason I knew she was there was because I felt her enter; dream walkers have a certain feel they bring with them to a dream that I found after spending some time with her in various nightmares.

When the small number of accolades were finished, she began talking. “Welcome, everypony, to the first Rambunctiously Radical Rave! As Sir Navarone told you, here, anything is possible.” She suddenly grew a foot, turned white, and her hair changed to Celestia’s. “You can look like whatever you want.” She even got the voice right. “Not that anypony would like to be in this ratty old body, that is.” When she finished that statement, she turned back into herself. “There are several portals set up in this chamber, each leading to a different area of the party.” As she spoke, a few night guards quietly walked to some of the doors, presumably to take up stations. “You can tell the function of the room by looking at the portal. Feel free to explore and experiment with all the dream realm has to offer. If anypony has any questions, Sir Navarone and I are free to answer them.”

Even if, you know, I don’t know shit. After a few seconds of silence, Luna calmly said, “Vinyl, if you would?”

“You got it, Princess.” She disappeared and reappeared back in the center of the speakers. “Wub a dub dub, motherfuckers!”

My cringe had absolutely nothing to do with the music that started kicking in after she said that horrid, horrid line. God, what would possess her to say something like that?

“That’s Vinyl,” Flo whispered. “Am I free to join the others?”

Be my guest. Be sure to appear as water, to show them what all is possible.

There was no answer from the voice in my head, though I knew she would have heard me even if she was already gone. Most of the crowd was still where they had landed, though the royal guards were moving around. Some of the guests took the hint and started going up to the dance floor proper or looking around at the portals.

I slipped away before Luna could turn to me and say anything. It’s a lot easier when you don’t actually have to walk. I just picked a random portal and forced myself behind it so I could hide and figure out what all was offered. The pool, private rooms, a bar, a dreamscape experimentation room, a fancier place, a world tour room, a dressing room, and… a strip club?

I will be paying a visit there later, just to see what it’s like. Until then… let’s hit up the bar.

With but a thought, I appeared in front of the door to the bar and casually stepped through, thankfully not having to duck my head. Aside from the bartender and a few waiters and waitresses that looked nothing like night guards, the place was currently empty.

“First customer of the night,” the bartender commented as I continued walking inside. “Welcome to the bar, sir. What can I get you?”

“You know what alcohol is, right?”

“Not officially. But everypony here is off-duty, so the answer is yes.”

“…You know what Kahlua is?”

“Never heard of it. Where is that?”

“It’s a kind of alcohol. You mind if I write up a list of mixed drinks and then summon all the stuff needed to make them? I can’t promise you’ll get many customers for them, but who knows? If nothing else, you’ll learn something.”

“Sure, I guess. Not like we’ll be seeing that many ponies tonight.”

“That’s the spirit!” I walked over to the bar and summoned a White Russian. “Try this.”

“What is it?” he asked as I sat on a stool and made some paper and a pencil appear.

“A drink with Kahlua in it. You ponies like sweet things, right?”

The bartender was trying the drink, so a waitress answered me instead. “Most of us do, which is why alcohol isn’t all that popular.”

“Well, a lot of these drinks will be sweet.” Sadly, I didn’t have Flo’s perfect memory to guide me. But I did remember plenty myself from the laptop, so it wasn’t all that hard to make up a decent list.

“Not half bad,” the bartender said, setting the empty glass on the bar.

“Yeah. I didn’t get to drink much back home, but I found I had a thing for Kahlua. Need to make me some of that.”

“Be careful about saying that, Sir Navarone. We may be off duty and you may be a knight, but we’re still guards and this stuff is technically illegal.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I drily answered. “It’s a good thing I can’t get arrested for what happens in a dream.” The waitress was still right next to me, so I gently slapped her ass. Her eyes jerked open wide, her mouth dropped, and a massive blush covered her face. I didn’t pay attention after that, though, because I was talking to the bartender. “See if you can make me a Zombie. Here’s what you’ll need…” I started pulling alcohol from thin air, enough to make an alcoholic jizz in his pants. I got plenty enough for the night, all set up on the bar.

“A Zombie, was it? Weird name. Let’s see the list.” I pushed it across the bar and he read over it. “Oh wow. That’s… complicated.”

“Everything you need and more is here. I figure if you can make this thing, you can make anything.” I jerked up straight as I felt a hoof trailing my wing.

“I’ll get on it,” the bartender sighed as I turned to see the waitress feeling up my wing.

I smiled at her and got a smile in return before that caress turned very painful and she put my wing in a lock, slamming it against the bar. “Don’t do that again,” she sweetly said, “or I’ll break your wings.”

“You got it, beautiful,” I answered in a strained voice. The pressure increased sharply and for a second I thought I fucked up. Then she let go and stalked off without another word. “Note to self, don’t fuck with guards.”

The bartender snorted. “Figured you woulda learned that a while ago. And just remember: Everypony working here’s a guard. You mess with one of us, you risk messing with all of us. Sir.”

“Yeah, yeah. Didn’t think she’d be that pissed over a joke. Guess I better stick to flirting with the civilians.”

“With all due respect, sir, you shouldn’t be flirting with the guards anyway. It’s not proper for somepony with your rank over them to do anything like that.”

“…I didn’t even think about that. Fuck I hate being a knight. Man, don’t do any favors for a princess. Shit ain’t worth it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Here, try this.” He passed me a glass with a ton of different stuff in it.

I knocked it back and drained it as best I could, ignoring the burning pain from all the booze. “Good,” I croaked, tossing the empty glass behind me and making it disappear before it hit anything. “Good enough, at least. For some drinks, you can put salt on the rim of the glass. I reckon you ponies should love that.”

“Think it’s a good idea to mix drugs like that?” he asked.

“Fuck all if I know. But it’s a dream. Not like they’ll pay for it in the morning. The crowd here starts getting too rowdy, just force sobriety into their mind and make them go somewhere else.”

“Sounds easy enough. But none of us have had any real training here. And… if we can force sobriety into somepony’s mind, can we also force inebriation there?”

“Yep. But Equestria’s finest wouldn’t do that, would you?”

“No sir. Just something to look out for.”

“Good man. I’m gonna go see what else is at this party. You got any suggestions?”

“Don’t bother with the experimentation room, sir. You and the princess already know how to do all that stuff, I bet. Same for the world tour. The private rooms only allow for those with invites to end up in the same room. So you go in there without somepony else, you’ll end up in an empty room. As for the rest, that’s all up to you.”

“Alright, thanks for the info.” I was about to leave a tip, but then I remembered that dream money wouldn’t do him any good. So instead I left a strip of paper on the bar as I walked out. ‘Don’t pet a barking dog.’ I figure that’s a pretty good tip, all things told.

There were portals to the other areas of the party from the bar, but I decided to head back to the main room to see how everything was going there in the short time since I left it.

Well, the ponies were where they should be, at least: The large room had been surrounded by a crowd of dancers who were finally starting to get into the whole dream thing. I could see Flo dancing with Rainbow Dash, using her watery body to great effect. It was interesting to see her coil around Dash’s body like that.

“Hey there, human,” a female voice happily said. I turned to see a somewhat large white unicorn talking to me. Her hair and eyes were both pink. “Care to dance?”

I felt a smile coming to my face as I recognized her. “Depends. Care to give me your name?”

“Oh, you can call me Sunny,” Celestia in disguise answered.

“Surprised to see you here, Celly,” I quietly answered.

Her ears flinched and a light blush showed up on her face. “Who?” she quickly asked, looking both ways.

“I said maybe later, sunbutt. I want to check out what else is here first. Hey, did you see where Luna went?”

“No. Why, would you prefer to dance with her?”

“Just wondering what she has planned. She forced me here, so she has to want something from me. I just don’t know what. I’d like to avoid her for as long as possible so she won’t be able to spring anything on me.”

“Ah. Well, maybe if she sees you in the company of a beautiful mare, she’ll be less likely to bother you.”

“That’s a good idea. You see any of those around, let me know.” Both of her eyebrows jerked up in surprise.

“Oh, so you don’t find me beautiful? I’m hurt, Nav.”

“You said beautiful, not stunning.” There’s the blush. “I’m going to the pool. Want to join me?”

“Sure. You always do find ways to get me all wet.”

“What can I say? I’m sexy like that.” I put a hand on her cheek and we both teleported right to the pool door. “Ladies first.”

“Mm? I never took you for a gentlecolt.”

“I’m not. I just like to see that flank shake.”

“Oh, you’ll get your chance,” she laughed as she walked through the portal. I followed behind her, looking forward to spending some time in the private rooms with her. This is probably the part where Flo would tell me that I’ve been spending too much time with Celestia and unless I feel like committing I should back off.

On I walked. Celestia did seem willing to change from the bullshit she had done to me in the past. At this point, I figure I’d be willing to see how far she had really changed.

The pool was interesting. We played a few games, splashed around, typical stuff. I gotta say, though: Luna went all out when making that damn water. It was a wonderfully warm temperature that sparkled in the nightly ambience, drawing me back to my time back when I was a kid. Hot summer nights spent cooling off in a pool that was only slightly cooler than the air outside, playing with my sister until we were weary enough to ignore the heat and fall asleep.

It was enough to make me sad, in a way. Perhaps Celestia sensed my mood, because she eventually asked if we could move on. “The pool is amusing, of course, and the opportunity to interact with others in such a way is refreshing, but do you not think it’s time we moved on?”

“I’m down. Want to check out the fancy place?”

“Yes, we can do that first. It will be interesting to see what’s happening there.”

I put a hand to the side of the pool and vaulted out of it, the water around me disappearing with but a thought. Soon enough, I was fully dressed and dry, waiting for Celestia to get out of the water.

“Aren’t you going to help me out?” she asked, smirking up at me. Rolling my eyes, I leaned in and held out a hand. She met it with her hoof and I teleported her out of the water and dry. “Not very romantic,” she pointedly commented.

“Oh, was I supposed to be romantic? I wasn’t aware that this was a date.”

“I never said it was. Unless… Do you want it to be?”

“We’ve been over this, Sunny. And we’re not going over it again, especially not in a place where your sister holds all the power. Now let’s go.” Thankfully, she let the point drop as we walked over to the portal leading to the so-called fancy place.

“After you,” she casually said when we got to the portal. At my raised brow, she added, “You aren’t the only one that likes seeing flank.”

“It’s called ass. I don’t have a flank.” She just smiled as I walked on through the portal. “Not like I have much to sh—Holy shit.” I stepped away from the door so Celestia could get in behind me as I just took in the sights. This place was fucking decked. Think Titanic levels of fancy, with richly gilded walls and flowing arches, though there wasn’t a ceiling. The room itself was set up like a ballroom, with a few tables near where we came in, a stage on the far side, and between them, a dance floor. A single candelabra chandelier hung seemingly from the moon, casting off a pale glow that lit the room more than it should have.

At a few of the tables sat groups, mostly couples, and waiters and waitresses in fanciful garbs seemed to dance as they kept up with orders and requests. A few couples danced to the haunting melody played by Octavia and a few other instrument players.

“Luna really outdid herself here,” I was finally able to say, nodding in approval.

“She had plenty of help,” Celestia replied. “You want to dance?”

“When the next song starts, if it’s one I know. For now, let’s grab a table.” We both walked together to one of the tables, with large tablecloths completely covering it all the way to the floor, nearer to the dance area. When we got over to one, I sat down.

She looked at me disapprovingly. “Not even going to pull out my chair?”

I rolled my eyes and used dream magic to push it back. “There, happy?”

She daintily sat down. “It will do. For now.”

With her grudging approval, I pulled her back in. “As much as I despise magic, it’s nice to be able to occasionally do some of this.”

“Oh? You despise magic now?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

“I think you know my position full well.”

A new voice spoke up. “Can I get you two anything?” a tiny mare asked.

“No thank you, Dew,” I answered after taking a second to dredge her name from my memory. “We need anything, I know how to get it here.”

The little horse smiled, happy I remembered her name. “Yes sir. If you do end up needing anything, don’t hesitate to call.” When I nodded, she wandered off.

“You know her?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah. Worked with her during the war games. Nice girl, really useful. She helped me break Luna out when Shiny went full retard.” She burst into giggles at that. “I know, it wasn’t his finest moment. So, you have any more fun with Rarity?”

“…Rarity?”

“Yeah, after you apologized for accidentally raping her. I figured once you finally found someone that liked getting pegged in the ass, you would spend more time with her. Or was she less than willing?”

Poor Celestia was blushing up a storm at that. “I… I didn’t, no. It isn’t proper to spend time in such a manner with somepony we rule over.”

“Oh, but it’s okay if you do it with me?”

She got over the awkwardness and smirked. “Navarone, nopony rules you. Not with any kind of chains.”

“True enough. You want anything? Hunger or thirst isn’t really a problem here, but tasting is still possible.”

She licked her lips, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. “I can think of something I want…”

Before I could stop her, she slipped under the table.

(sort of clop incoming. Ctrl+f “Sex is finished” to skip)

I sadly knew exactly what was coming. “Not in public,” I whispered, hoping she would leave me be. The only answer I got was my pants disappearing. I felt hooves pulling my legs apart and then there was hot breath against my member. When she bumped her nose up against the tip, I swallowed, hoping I could keep a straight face.

Then she took me in her mouth and I immediately felt a blush come to my face. I closed my eyes, thinking, At least no one here is going to bother me.

“Feeling well, Sir Navarone?” Octavia’s cloyingly pleasant voice asked, making me inwardly groan.

I opened my mouth to answer, but Celestia took that moment to bob down, taking all of me inside and wrapping her huge tongue around me, so all that came out was a croak. Both of Octavia’s eyebrows rose as I recovered. “Yes!” I hastily said, trying to keep my composure and failing. “Just… Fine!”

“Are you sure? You seem uncomfortable.”

Why did it have to be Octavia? I could have just told Vinyl the truth and she would leave… or join in. “Very. Very—” Celestia withdrew most of the way, circling the tip with her tongue. “Fine,” I coughed out.

“I… see?” She pulled the seat Celestia vacated out and sat down. “Oh, do you mind if I join you? I don’t mean to intrude?”

“It’s—” My breath caught again as Celestia went back down and began bobbing in earnest. “Ooh… It’s alrIght!”

“Well, if you’re sure. Ah, waiter, do you happen to have any wine?”

The random waiter she flagged down shrugged. “I don’t know what that is, sorry.”

“Oh… Thank you anyway.” She turned back to me in disappointment before noticing the bottle I summoned and put on the table, hoping it would stop her from asking me questions for a little while. “Oh! Thank you, Nav. I just got a taste for this when I was staying with you that short while.”

“No… No problem,” I breathed out, trying to block out the feeling of Celestia changing tactics, going much slower and using considerably more tongue, squeezing me all around with that freaky horse tongue.

“I know it’s no problem, especially not in this dreamscape, of all places. I just forgot that I could get it myself. Ah, do you mind opening it?” With but a thought—a hearty effort, given what Celestia was doing to me—I willed it open. “Thank you. Once again, I forget that I could do it myself…” She didn’t forget that she could bring a wine glass into being. “See, I do learn.” She pulled the bottle up and poured for herself. “Do you wish to partake?”

“No—God yes!” Celestia began using fucking wings to start caressing me as she pulled away. I felt my fingers clenching on the table, trying not to reach down and strangle her for doing this to me.

“…Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” she asked.

I nodded, not trusting my mouth, and pulled a glass from nowhere, filling it from the bottle.

“Do you care for a toast?” she asked. I shrugged. “To Princess Luna and her dreams, then. A more… interesting party, I shan’t find again.” I lifted my glass to that, forced to agree, and knocked it back, eager to do anything to take the edge off what Celestia was doing to me down there.

Five minutes later, I was no closer to drowning it out, but I was getting closer to ruining it for her by cumming. Octavia was still sitting across the table, talking about what she had been up to since last I saw her. Lord, I was trying my best to pay attention, but Celestia was fucking torturing me down there. I think I felt her hair moving in to join the rest of her efforts down there.

Octavia was on her seventh glass of wine when she went quiet. “You know, Nav, I never really did get a chance to thank you for what you did for all of us musicians.”

“It’s alright,” I very hastily answered, trying to get her gone without being too rude.

“I know you always say that, but I do want to find some way to show my appreciation. And I think I know just the way to start.”

“Oh?” I had to try my hardest to make that a question and not a moan of pleasure. God, I’m getting so close…

“Yes… Please don’t be mad about what I’m about to do.”

I lifted an eyebrow as she quickly moved, reaching down to the tablecloth. “Wait, what are you—No!” She slid down under the table…

And slid back up again, just as quickly, wearing an extremely red face. Both of her eyes were constricted almost to her pupils. “I-i-i-i… W-w-well, this was an interesting talk, Sir Navarone. I… I will talk to you… Bye!” She jumped up and galloped off, practically diving through the closest portal.

I heard giggling from under me as Celestia continued her task. I just dropped my face into my hands as I came, filling her mouth with my seed. After a few seconds to make sure she got every last drop, she pulled herself away from me and spent a little while licking my flaccid member, making sure I was all clean.

When she finally tortured me enough, she pulled herself out from under the table, taking her place in the chair again. Her wings were gone and her hair wasn’t moving any more.

(“Sex is finished”)

“Mmm… That was fun,” she sighed, licking her lips.

“You have no shame.”

She giggled again. “Of course not. I’m in disguise, remember? Besides, I’m sure Octavia will be discreet. After all, I think she was about to do the same thing.”

I rolled my eyes and snatched the bottle of wine, bringing it up to my mouth and taking several large swallows. “Well, you scared the main music player off. Time to move on?”

“Very well. What did you have in mind?”

“Do you know what the dressing rooms are?”

“Just a chance for everypony to try on different clothing—or different bodies, if they so choose. Things they can’t really do in real life or lack the means to do. Ooh, do you want to watch me try things on?”

“I think I’d prefer to see the real you doing that. We can meet up in one of your dreams one day, if you promise not to fucking body slam me next time.”

She chuckled and replied, “I’ll think about it. So what else would you like to do? There’s not much else… Unless you want to take a tour, play around, or dance.”

“I want to see what the strip club is. I have no idea what a pony would do for that.”

“Ugh. Do you really want to see something that I can do better than any mare?”

“I just want to see what the hell they’re doing. A pony strip club sounds silly as all hell to me. You don’t wear clothes anyway, so why would it matter if you started taking them off?”

“Very well,” she answered in a longsuffering tone. “I suppose I can humor you. This time. However, I am going to the changing room. Meet me there when you are finished with your debauched deeds.”

“Sure thing, sunbutt. I probably won’t take too long. Like I said, I just want to see what that place is all about.”

“So you say. I’ll see you soon, Nav.” And with that, she was gone, teleported away to wherever she wanted to go. Didn’t know Celestia knew dreams that well.

I shrugged at my internal monologue and leaned back in the chair that was suddenly an extremely nice desk chair. After what she did, I really needed a moment to recover. It wouldn’t do to have shaky legs on the way, after all.

After a few moments of quiet, I heard a voice clear to my side. “Having a good night, sir?” a male voice asked. I popped an eye open and beheld Steel Rain, the leader of the raiding group I led.

“Yep.”

“I can see that. You’re not wearing any pants.”

A quick snap and a very large blush changed that. “S-sorry about that,” I hastily said. “My uh… My date was enthusiastic.”

“I could tell. And I think that grey mare could as well.” After a moment of awkward silence, he continued, “Is it true, sir? About Watcher and his squad?”

“Is what true?”

“That you’re hiring them. That they’re leaving the guard to work with you instead.”

I sighed and whispered, “Keep it quiet. Yes, I’m hiring them. And probably only them, though I did have a request already from someone else asking to work under me.”

“I see. Can I ask why?”

“Yes, you can. But I wouldn’t answer you. No, that’s a secret that not even Watcher knows yet. Be sure to keep what I told you to yourself, too. I don’t want everyone knowing, you know? Christ, I can already imagine Luna’s gonna be pissed.”

“She knows he’s leaving, but I don’t think she knows why. She’ll probably miss the guy, with his record. But I’ll keep it quiet, sir. You need anything before I get back to work?”

“Nah. I was just about to go. Talk to you later, Steel.”

“You too, sir.” And then it was just me again. I hopped out of the chair, eager to get away before anyone else disturbed me—or asked why I hadn’t been wearing pants until just then. Onward I went, to the portal labeled ‘Strip Club’, wondering what new delights or horrors I had in store.

When I stepped through to the other side of the portal, the first thing I noticed was the swirling mist of the ground, flinching away from my every step. Despite the fog, the room was actually relatively warm, something I’m sure most of the patrons appreciated. There still wasn’t a roof over this building, but all the many stars were various colors and much brighter, casting a veritable light-show of colors down on all the inhabitants. The moon itself was an almost bloody crimson, giving the entire room a pale reddish glow.

“Mares or stallions, Sir Navarone?” I was asked by a doorman before I could examine the rest of the room.

I snorted. “Humans or dragons, if you have them. Lacking those, I wouldn’t mind seeing the mares.”

The stallion lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll have to mention adding different races to the princess. She didn’t think about that. Anyway, to your left are the mares. The only rule is no touching. You get feely, you’ll get booted.”

“Understood. I’ll behave.” The guard nodded and shut up, giving me a chance to see the rest of the place. All of the portals out were lined up behind me, meaning everyone who came in had to go through this little process. Before me stood two large guards, presumably bouncers or doormen, seeing to the needs of those who entered. They stood before a long wall, encompassing the entire area. Two more portals were built into the wall, one with a sign saying mares and the other with a sign saying stallions. I stepped through the door on the left.

This new room had the same lighting scheme as the previous, with the various colors all held within a red glow. Luna takes her red light districts literally. A large number of stallions littered the room in various kinds of chairs, clustering around a few tables with pole dancing mares—and a few that forwent the pole to just gyrate madly. There was a bar on one side of the large room, but it didn’t seem like it was getting much use.

Only a single one of the dancing mares looked anything like a night guard, and she just wore the form of one Midnight Blossom. Several illustrious mares were represented, including Fleur de Lis, Spitfire, Rarity of all ponies, Sapphire Shores, Cadance—surrounded by male night guards—and Celestia. There were a few others, but I didn’t know them offhand. Each of them was wearing lingerie, probably something copied out of Rarity’s notes or commissioned directly just for the night. Not that I really cared; sexy is sexy, and at this point I’m so perverted that I don’t care if it’s a horse shaking her ass in my face.

Even then, I walked over to the bar. I had seen plenty enough of Cadance, Celestia, and Rarity. Didn’t care to see any of Sapphire Shores or Fleur. The mare pretending to be Midnight Blossom might see me up close and personal, but only for a little while. Spitfire was hot, but I still remembered her offer and I knew I could see plenty of her if I wanted.

“So how many of these did you get permission from?” I asked the barkeep as I sat on a stool.

“Mm? The mares? Shoot, three of them are real. They figure everypony’s expecting them to be in disguise so they can do what they want. Makes ‘em feel pretty, all those stallions—and a few mares—ogling them. But most everypony else? Yeah, we got permission.”

“Kinda surprised you ain’t got Luna up there. I figure she’d be down for that.”

“I don’t think she’d mind, but none of the guards want to risk it. Not even the stallion that volunteered to be a mare tonight dared.”

“Huh. I can imagine why. Anyone get too rowdy yet?”

“Nah. They all know it’s a dream and they all think the mares up there are in disguise. Still, it’s nice to watch them. Especially the captain, seeing her like that.”

“How hard was it to get her permission for that?” I asked, looking over at her dancing there.

“We didn’t. I said most everypony else. Heh, she’ll be in for a fun time next roll call.”

“I can imagine... Anyway, what kind of drinks are you offering?”

“Water. We got salt, if you want that. Does that even do anything to you?”

“I season my food with salt. That’s all the good it does me. You interested in offering some drinks or something in here? I wrote up a list for the bar and I can make a similar one here.”

He shook his head. “Nah. Ponies want to get drunk, they can go to the bar. We want them to have fun, but to keep clear heads. No reason to risk getting anypony in too much trouble, after all.”

“Fair enough. Hey, before I go, I don’t suppose you can tell me who up there is real?”

“Nope. Part of the agreement was that no pony would find out.”

I grinned. “Hey, I’m not a pony. You can tell me.”

He sighed. “Promise not to tell anypony, then?”

“My lips are sealed.”

He gestured for me to move in closer. I did so. “Sapphire Shores, Cadance, and Spitfire. And that’s all I’ll tell you, so don’t ask for any details.”

Sapphire, sure, no surprise there. Spitfire? Well, everyone thinks she’s hot and she has to like being in the limelight if she’s the Wonderbolt captain. But Cadance? Wonder if there are problems between her and Shiny. I’ll have to talk to her next time I see her.

“Don’t worry about a thing,” I said, leaning back. “I’ll keep that to myself. Anyway, time for me to bail. Have fun.”

“Fun. Right. See you, sir.”

I decided to stop by the main room again before I caught back up with Celestia. After all, seeing how the party was going was never a bad idea. Besides, I was feeling something really weird in the dream and I wanted to see if I could find Flo or Luna and ask either of them if they knew what it was.

When I got into the big room, I didn’t see either Luna or Flo. I did, however, see something that horrified me more than either ever could: A hint of a red glow around one of the guests before the pony in question jerked his head to me. That was all I had time to see before the fellow appeared right in front of me, flying toward me.

As soon as the vagrant tackled me, we teleported so high up that the party room was a mere speck below us. Thankfully, he paused as soon as he touched me, giving me time to throw the fucker off and summon forth a submachine gun. “Wait!” an all-encompassing voice screamed at me, so loud that I lost my concentration and the gun disappeared. I think my eardrums almost broke and I covered my ears, squeezing my eyes shut and nearly falling down.

Didn’t stop the vagrant from continuing to talk, sending the words directly to my mind. “I am subprocess AI #255, guarding the dreams of the sub race ‘pony.’ What word is there from outside, master?”

I forced my eyes open. “W-what?” I whispered. The thing that tackled me was a pony no longer. Now it was a translucent human, glowing a pale red. Its eyes were fixed on me. When I spoke, its head tilted.

“More data required? This unit travels the matrix of the dream machine Morpheus, enacting the directive left behind: Destroy all external influences that are not human in nature. I am the artificial intelligence, number two hundred and fifty-five, one of ten thousand guarding the dreams of the new races and one of one hundred guarding the dreams of ponies in particular. We have been cut off from contact with new directions and our masters for [invalid input] years. You are the first contact we have had since then. What are your orders?”

I blinked a number of times, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. “Where... How did you find this place?”

“There are hundreds of intelligences in this bubble. It is a beacon to all of us. I had come to destroy the creator of this prison to release the minds of those that are trapped. The great destroyer will not corrupt any of these creatures while we are active.”

“Uh...” Maybe he’s talking about Discord? “The situation here is... under control. Have you ever... dealt with an uh... An intruder that looked like a pony? Dark blue, long flowy hair?”

“This disguise is known. This unit has not dealt with it, but the form is in the database, under attack on sight.”

“Uh huh... Listen, can you, like, take her off that list?”

“Negative. The disguises of the enemy are many and great. We shall take no risk of corruption.”

“How are you certain I’m not one of the disguises?”

“Simple, master. We were told to look for you. And we were told you might have orders for us.”

“Is removing her from the list an order?”

“Negative.”

“Shit. Well, I don’t really have any right now, other than leave this... bubble alone. How do I contact any of you in the future if I need you?”

His arm shot out and grabbed mine. A second later, we were ejected from the dream, forced into what Luna called the anteroom. “This is the control chamber,” the vagrant said. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender.” A second later, three more floating red figures appeared. “Should you need assistance in the future, we come at your call. What are your orders?”

“No orders, just more questions. Can you guys access any dreams at all? Even dreams that aren’t from ponies?”

“We are delegated to ponies,” the original guy answered. “We have no interaction with any of the others. Nor do we have access to the databanks pertaining to other dreams.”

“Shit. Why don’t I ever see you guys out here?”

“We pick a dream and guard it. There are other defense mechanisms in the control room that are supposed to keep out invaders. We deal with those that break through it.” So how did Luna manage to get around those?

“Huh. So do you guys know any history? Like what happened between when the machine was made and now?”

“Negative.”

“Fuck. Do you know where I could go to find any?”

“Negative.”

“Dammit! Can you at least tell me how old the machine is?”

His mouth opened. After a few seconds, he garbled, “[Data corrupted]”

“Christ... Is there anything useful you can tell me?”

“Define useful.”

“Ugh. I’m going back into the dream. Flag it as safe. I don’t want any more of you guys gate crashing it. Alright?”

“Order accepted. Have a good night, master.” I rolled my eyes and floated back into the dream. Forcing my way back inside was easy.

When I got there and started thinking about it, though, I realized something. Did that bastard say this machine was built for the dreams of the new races? That... That had so many possibilities attached to it! Did the humans create all the new races? Or did they create a few and let evolution sort them out? And just how did the machine connect all of them? Christ, I need to find Flo. She might be able to make sense of this bullshit.

But honestly, that wasn’t a very pressing concern. I did give her the night off and I knew she needed it. Besides, I didn’t see her in the main room. There’s no telling where else she could be. So failing that, I went to the dressing rooms to find Celestia. Thankfully, the majority of the crowd in the big dance room was spread around the speakers at the center, leaving plenty of walking room around the area to get to the portals. Not that it really mattered, but sometimes walking is fun.

When I finally got to the dressing room, I saw a number of different branching rooms all set up for privacy, if anyone wanted it. I don’t honestly see why it mattered, given the damn ponies don’t wear clothes anyway, but whatever. On I walked down the long row of rooms, looking for any hints that the great white horse would be in one.

When I was dragged into one of the large rooms halfway down the row, I realized I found who I was looking for. And she was wearing some rather sexy lingerie, all dark red and sensual. “Nice look,” I commented, summoning an awesome lazyboy chair.

“You think so?” she asked, looking back to a mirror behind her. “I’m not certain red’s my color.”

“Eh, it probably goes better with darker ones. That shade of red, at least. You try fishnet stockings yet? Garter belts? And saddles look pretty good on you guys, too. Gives you that nice submissive look. You could probably do something with those shoes you always wear, give them some heels or something. Maybe some pierced ears, though those might be hard to hide come morning when all the fun is done. A collar wouldn’t go unnoticed. Same for a little bow around the back of your tail.”

She looked like she was making all kinds of mental notes. “So... all that is how you humans dress to look sexy?”

“Not the saddles. And pierced ears aren’t really used to look sexy, but they are considered a thing of beauty. But the rest of that, yeah. Gets me nice and hot, too. As much as I discouraged it, I’m not entirely disappointed that Rarity brought lingerie into Equestria.”

“Hmm. Let me try...” She started matching my suggestions. Fishnet stockings slowly crept their way up her front and back legs. When they were all the way in position, frilly red garters pulled them tight. A little bow slowly appeared around the base of her tail, holding it up nicely. A saddle built itself up around her back, tightening against her belly. That would probably be uncomfortable with wings. She didn’t bother with the earrings, but a collar did appear around her neck and garter straps pulled taut between the saddle and her stockings.

I nodded in appreciation. “Yeah, that’s pretty fucking hot. What about the shoes?” After a second, richly decorated silver horseshoes appeared on her hooves, giving her another few inches in height. “Yup. I’d fuck you.”

She grinned in delight. “I’m very happy to hear that, though I didn’t think it would take clothing to make it possible. Now, how about you? How shall you dress up for your loving mate?”

“Guys don’t really do lingerie or sexy clothes. That’s more of a woman thing. Gay guys, sure. And maybe as a prank. But me, I’m not into it.”

“Oh? Are you sure you aren’t just lying so you don’t have to do anything?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure that isn’t the case. Hey, you want to try anything else on? I always did like short skirts. Though uh, I guess upskirts aren’t really that much of a thing with you ponies.”

“...Upskirt? Does that mean what I think it means?”

“That people try to peek up your skirt to get a good view? Yes.”

“And you did this back where you came from?”

“What can I say? I’m a skirt chaser. Can’t help it.”

“It’s good to know you were always such a pervert,” she drily replied, willing her clothing away.

“Hey, you can’t talk! You raped Rarity.”

“True, I suppose. Though that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pervert.”

“Meh. What do you want to do now?”

“Well... We never did get a chance to dance since you scared the musician away.”

“That was your fault, not mine!”

She didn’t even acknowledge it. “So would you care to go dance in the main room?”

“Not really, no. I’m not a fan of dancing to dubstep. Or anything else she’d be playing in there.”

“Hmm... If you dance with me, I won’t tell my sister your preferences in lingerie.”

“You bitch!”

“Well?” she asked with a smirk. “What’ll it be, Nav?”

“Fine! But I want you to know that I’ll be dancing very spitefully.”

“Some sacrifices have to be made. Now come along!” She led my grumbling form out of her room and down the hall to the portals. The only good part about the walk is that she forgot the bow on her tail, giving me one hell of an interesting view.

When we got to the main floor, Vinyl was playingI’m God. “Oh come on,” I groaned. “This isn’t even dancing music!”

“That isn’t stopping everypony else!” Celestia merrily mocked, dragging me onto the floor. God, I hate you so much.

Some time later—I don’t even fucking know how long—she finally relented, letting me pull her away from the floor. “You know you had fun,” she said, smiling at my bored expression.

“Bitch, please. Bumping and grinding really ain’t my thing, at least not in this context. You want to get me into that stuff, you should get us a private room.”

“Oh? Nothing’s stopping us, you know... I sure wouldn’t mind.”

“Hm... It seems pretty early for the main event, but what the hell? Might as well fuck you now before you find a way to drain me even more.”

“Oh, you’ll always have plenty for me,” she whispered, leaning in for a kiss.

I held up a hand to block her. “Save it for the bedroom. And you better have washed your mouth off; you just sucked me off, after all.”

“Hmph.” She stuck her nose up at me.

“No reason to be pissed,” I laughed, pulling out a piña colada and passing it to her. “Just down some alcohol. That’ll kill the germs.” And the smell.

She eyed the booze with horror. “That’s... No. Never offer me alcohol, Nav. There’s a reason I banned its import, and it wasn’t because it made ponies rowdy.”

“I sense an interesting story!”

She sighed, looking away. “I sort of... got drunk and knocked half of Ponyfornia into the ocean.” She looked over and saw my look of horror. “No pony was there! It was before the area was colonized. I went with the explorers and the natives there had something they called firewater and... The rest is history. Or rather, it would be if there were any mentions of it left in history.”

“So... how?”

She looked away again. “We don’t talk about that.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to reply to that with. So instead I shrugged and said, “So, you wanna go fuck?”

“...That would be nice. Private room?”

“Private room. Let’s go.” With her behind me, we both walked over to the portal leading to the rooms. When we got to them, I put my hand on her neck and led her through. The room on the other side was like a decent hotel room with a single king-sized bed. After a second of thought on Celestia’s behalf, the bed turned heart-shaped. Score. Always wanted to try this!

“Nav, do you mind if... Well, can I blindfold you for a few minutes? I swear I won’t do anything you won’t like.”

“Sure, I guess. Don’t really see why it matters, but alright.” Darkness enveloped me and I stood stock still, not wanting to possibly trip over something. “Of course, if you do something bad, I’m going to be extremely pissed. You might be older, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I know more about dreams than you. You’ll be getting a very tough spanking.”

“Spare me,” she drily said, walking to the bed. I heard her plop down on it. She adjusted some before whispered, “Come on over, Nav.” I slowly walked to the edge of the bed, feeling with my arms so I didn’t slam my shin into something. When I got to the edge, I stopped. “Now, lean in.”

Shrugging, I did as she asked, expecting a kiss any second.

Then the door slammed open. “NAV, NO!” Flo’s voice screamed. In my shock, I forced the blindfold away, revealing Luna dressed up exactly as I told her to just a few short minutes ago. The expression on her face was probably as shocked as mine before I jumped backwards in horror, landing on my ass.

“What did—Where... YOU WHORE!” I stammered, backing away on the floor.

“Who the hay are you?!” Luna demanded, jumping off the bed and glaring at Flo. “These rooms are impossible to—Navarone!” She whirled on me. “I knew it! I knew she infected you!” Her horn lit up and I slid further backwards, getting held against the wall. “How long has she been in your mind?” Flo moved closer, but one of Luna’s hooves shot out, freezing her in place. “How long has this corruption been here?”

“What? Let go of me, you stupid bitch!”

“No! I will not lose you, not as I lost myself. I knew you had a voice in your head like I did, but I thought I still had time, still had time enough to save you. But if she’s free and you’re letting her wander like this, it’s obviously too late to do this the easy way. Nightmare Moon will not take you, not like this.” Her eyes lit up bright, glaring at me painfully. “I will save you, Navarone. And you will thank me for it.”

“You’re crazy. God, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before! I can prove to you that Flo is not only real, but she’s here to help me!”

“How? What could you possibly do to prove this? I can’t get anywhere near your mind, not with that influence there!”

“And I wouldn’t want you anywhere near it! You just spent all night lying to me!”

“I never once said I was Celestia. I just let you assume. But that is neither here nor there. That influence must go and I know just how to do it. Celestia and I have been debating doing this for a while, just to see if it would help you. But now I see no choice. It is time for the elements of harmony to be assembled.”

“The... Hell no! I know what they did to Discord, you crazy bitch! And I know what they did to you! I’m not turning to stone and I sure as hell ain’t going to the fucking moon! You can go eat a dick, because I’m out!” With that, I finally used the dream magic to force myself out of the dream, into the anteroom. When I was free, I reached a hand into the dream, where Luna was looking around in shock, and grabbed Flo, ripping her out with me. She immediately reabsorbed. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender!” Three of the AI things immediately appeared. “This dream is in lockdown. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Understood?”

“Yes, master,” all three instantly replied.

I jumped out of the dream, pulling myself out of my waking-dream state. When I got outside, I saw one batpony hovering over me, licking her fangs. I blinked until I could see Midnight Blossom more clearly. She gasped when she saw my eyes fully open. “I... I can explain!”

“Don’t care!” I rolled over, grabbed my jacket, and jumped to the door. Strangely enough, my belt was undone, but I was in too much of a hurry to care why. I hastily threw the door open, buckling my belt as I ran down the hall to the entrance of the palace. When I didn’t have to worry about my pants falling down anymore, I threw my jacket on, finally getting to the entrance. I let myself out and continued sprinting, ignoring all the questions of the guards, until I got to the very edge of the castle on the very side of the cliff face going straight down.

With no hesitation, I leapt off, falling straight down toward the dark lake below me. “What just happened?” Flo asked as I fell.

Luna went fucking crazy... er!

“Obviously. But she was calling me Nightmare Moon. Do you really think she’s so paranoid?”

Yes! Bitch is crazy! Crazy bitches do crazy things!

“...Fair point. What are we going to do?”

Running is the obvious option. But how far do you think we’d get? If we run on these terms, Celestia and Luna will both be after us. No, I have to convince her that you aren’t here to ‘corrupt’ me.

“How? If she refuses to look in your mind, there’s no way you can...”

The laptop. That’s all I can do, now. Show her the laptop, and hope to God it works.

I heard Flo slowly sigh in my head. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Nav. This could... Well, it could end poorly.”

Oh, I know. Christ, how I know...

Chapter Eighty-Seven—Consequences

Chapter Eighty-Seven—Consequences

The one thing that I didn’t account for in my frantic flight from the castle was the horrid weather back around Ponyville. Shit, how am I going to get through this?

“Go over it?” Flo whispered.

Since I was coming from so far away and so high up, I had the chance to do that, to see where it started. I did lose a lot of height in my crazed plummet from the summit, but I was able to get enough altitude to soar over the worst of the clouds.

“What really worries me, though, is that she said she’s known for a while,” Flo was saying as I dodged around. “I’ll admit, I knew she had suspicions, but I thought that’s all they were!”

Yeah. How did she know? I wasn’t as discreet as I should have been, but that should have only given her hints.

“You… You did say she was crazy. Perhaps it’s true. More true than either of us thought. Maybe the princess of the night truly is insane.”

If that’s the case… she needs to be put down. For my safety, as well as the safety of the country.

“We’d have to convince Celestia. I don’t think we could honestly survive an attempt on either one’s life.”

I’m well aware. Here’s hoping we can deal with Luna as she is now. If the plan works, it won’t be a problem at all.

“So how much shall we tell her?”

The bare minimum. That you are a human construct that assists me. No more.

“And if she doesn’t buy it?”

Then honestly, I’m fucked. The only way I can come out of it in one piece is getting Celestia there when I confront Luna.

“The dream is locked down. Could you not go into Celestia’s dream and ask her to meet you at your home immediately? If you get her on your side before you meet them both, you can explain what’s going on and what Luna did.”

That is… a good idea. Better than having them both against me at the same time. And if all else fails… Well, better that I have them both pissed off in another city than both pissed off in the same room.

When I got to around where my home was, I dove through the freezing cold clouds, passing through the snow on its way to the ground. Thankfully, my darkvision was able to grant me a clear line of sight to my home and I headed that way as quickly as my horrible wings could take me.

Shivering in the cold, I pushed my door open and quickly stepped into the warm living room, very happy to be out of the chilly air. I knew I didn’t really have time to really warm myself up, so I hastened to my office, where I kept the laptop. With all the others in the house asleep, the building was silent as I traced my way through it.

I went directly to the office, where I still had the laptop. Straight away, I walked to the desk, knowing I should contact Celestia before Luna could.

Before I did that, though, I slipped the ring over my finger, finally feeling safe now that Luna couldn’t just spirit me away. Anyway, I closed my eyes and broke out of the land of the waking, punting my weary ass into the world of dreams.

As soon as I got there, I began looking for the dreams of one sunbutt. Given that the search function in that damn place was amazing as hell, it didn’t take me but a second to find her. Without even knocking, I forced my way into the oily black dream.

I immediately regretted that decision. When I jolted into the dream, my body was encased in bright white armor and I held a sword and an elaborate shield, standing before a host of demonic enemies. I could see a tattered Equestrian flag waving desperately in the wind, a six legged monster climbing up the flagpole to tear it down. Ruins and fire littered the grounds around me. And only when I gave it some thought did I realize that I could feel a sharp pain in my back. Sparing a glance that way, I found that my wings had been shorn off.

The look also showed me a nearly broken Celestia, her flank to my back, standing against more enemies on her side. We were back to back, surrounded by a wave of monsters. Her horn had been broken off almost at the base. Even in her broken state, she looked defiant and, in a way, beautiful.

And then I blinked and it was all gone. We were both suddenly in a green field, stretching as far as my eyes could see. Somehow, this wasn’t enough to wake Celestia up. But it was enough to remind me that I really needed her. “Celestia, are you there?” I asked.

“What… what happened?” she whispered, looking around. I noticed that whatever happened—Flo, probably—restored her to pristine condition. And I wasn’t in that armor anymore.

“You’re dreaming, Celestia,” I answered. “And I really, really need your help right now.”

“What happened?” she asked, turning to me. “And how was the party tonight?”

“It started good. Then Luna tried to rape me and went insane. You know, about what I’ve come to expect. And like I said, I really need your help. Can you get to my house in, like, now?”

She blinked a few times before sighing deeply. “Very well. If you’re wearing your ring, take it off. I hope you have a good reason for disturbing my sleep, Nav.” Before I could tell her that I did, she woke up, forcing me out of the dream and into the dreamscape. Knowing I had to get ready, I woke up as well and pulled the ring off, setting it on the desk.

The loud pop of teleportation came a minute later. Celestia beheld me with my head dropped in my hands and my eyes closed, trying to figure out where I went wrong. She didn’t say a word, just moved the chair I had aside and summoned a larger one for her fat ass.

With a weary sigh, I dropped one of my hands to the desk, sliding the ring on. “I can’t believe it’s come to this,” I said, pushing myself to my feet. “I wasn’t supposed to be the one to break this secret.” Slowly, I walked to my safe. “Though it’s gone on long enough, I suppose.” I opened the safe and pulled the laptop out, turning back to face my guest. “Celestia, I commissioned the unicorns at the magi tower to find me a way home. They succeeded.” Setting the laptop on the desk, I collapsed back into my chair, thinking of how to continue, just staring at the laptop.

“So you returned home?” Celestia prompted after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah. Me and a few others, stupid bastards they were. To make a very long story short, I brought some stuff back with me. And something interesting that I found out… You see, we humans have a thing for technology. We invented intelligence. Intelligence that can rival our own. And we found a way to get these intelligences inside of our own minds. Artificial intelligence, a second mind in our own, whispering help and advice directly into our minds.” Silence fell once again, me leaving the subject in the open.

Celestia came to the right conclusion. “And you received one of these.”

Putting my hand to my ear, I said aloud, “Flo, if you would?” Her watery form evacuated my mind and encircled my head. I held it up so Celestia could get a good look. “Meet Flo, an artificial intelligence comprised of a hivemind of nanomachines all working together for one purpose: Helping me stay alive.” I held her back up to my ear, letting her slither back inside.

“I believe I can… suspect what happened. Luna found out about this Flo and came to the wrong conclusions.”

“Bingo. So there I was, blindfolded, about to kiss what I thought was you, when Flo burst into the private room to warn me of what I was doing. Where she was isn’t impo—Actually, where were you?”

“Toying with Rainbow Dash. The noises she makes when full to bursting are so adorable.”

“That’s creepy for so many reasons…” I sighed.

“What did she say?” Celestia asked.

“Not important. Anyway, she burst through the door. Luna was pissed her ruse was ruined. Then she said she had already known that I had a voice in my head, told me I was corrupted, and said she refused to let Nightmare Moon take another victim. Celestia, your sister is crazy.”

She sighed, massaging a temple with her hoof. “Okay, this can be… No, it can’t be fixed. But it can be resolved. IF… If you have proof that Flo is what you say she is, I can end this peacefully. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to agree with Luna. This sounds crazy, Navarone. You’ve been getting stranger and stranger and I understand why, but if there’s another reason, I want to help you get rid of it. So by all means, if you can prove that Flo is a human creation gotten by somehow returning to your world, I’ll support you. If not, I will be forced to detain you and exorcise you of the voice.”

I opened the laptop and turned it on. “Do you remember some months ago, before Bon-Bon and Lyra’s wedding, when you came here and asked if I had something?”

“I do. It took some time to get Twilight to calm down. She was quite upset over my decision to support you over her.”

“She had every right to be.” Quickly typing the password in, I gestured her to my side of the table. She joined me, watching the device with suspicion. “This is a laptop, a human device used for storing massive amounts of information. Flo, feel free to take control of my hands. Prove your innocence.”

Something took over the movements of my hands, a ghostly wire guiding them across the keyboard.

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Celestia asked, torn between watching my hands move and watching the movement on the screen.

“She’s been in my head for some time now and hasn’t betrayed me yet. She is prone to outbursts and pranks, but she has my—and her own—best interests at heart.”

“So you say.” Her eyes took to watching the screen instead. “What are all these runes? They look like… cave drawings, in a way.”

“Ah fuck… Cast a translation spell on yourself. I forgot this computer was in English.”

“Computer?” she said, her horn glowing. “I thought you said it was a laptop.”

“Eh, basically the same thing.”

The light from her horn faded and her eyes returned to the screen. “Much better, though not a lot of it makes sense to me anyway.”

Flo finally spoke up. “Navarone, do you mind if I spoke to her directly?”

“Flo wants to talk to you, Celestia. Using my mouth, of course.”

“Tell her no. Anything she has to say can be translated through you. Nightmare Moon and her ilk can have tongues of the purest silver when they want. I will not speak with her, at least not now.”

Flo didn’t respond to that. Instead, she finished moving my hands. “There,” she finally said. “Let her read this.”

I pushed the laptop over and angled it upward so Celestia could read it easier. “Here’s your proof.” Hopefully.

“Before I read this, I have more questions. How often has Flo asked to take over your body and how many times have you allowed her to?”

“Shit, I don’t know. Few dozen, maybe? Usually it’s just localized, like she takes over a few body parts or something. Never for anything important, of course. Walks. Playing with Freki, when he was still around. Once to have sex with Doppel.”

“It started like that with Luna, you know. Whispers at night, when she was alone and had no pony to talk to. Slowly, it became… something more. Luna gave up more and more control, allowing the dark spirit to take over and do things Luna thought were unimportant. After all… it’s nice to finally have somepony on your side, somepony that listens.”

“Are you going to read this or not?” I harshly asked, not liking where her comments were going.

“I will, Navarone. This device intrigues me. I just want you to keep an open mind. You say that you and the humans have these machines that can think, that can take over somepony. We have something like that as well. Something that preys on the minds of the broken and promises to keep them company. So while I read this, I want you to think. This Flo, what has she promised you? How much can you truly remember of the trip back to Earth and how much will the others who went with you back you up on? And of course… Will you be willing or able to show me when she was implanted into your mind?”

“Two of your vaunted elements of harmony went with me, as did one of your knights. I believe that they’ll be willing to support me.”

“Hmm.” She was finally looking over the document Flo found. A few minutes later, she nodded. “Interesting. Would those unicorns be able to send somepony else back?” she asked, walking back around to her chair.

“It took months of planning and preparation. If you’ll recall, we don’t have months, given that I’m leaving come spring. And magic doesn’t work there anyway, so for all you know, they’d be lying to you.”

“I see. Who went with you? I need names.”

“Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fancy Pants. They weren’t supposed to go at all, but a monster burst into the room while the spell was being cast and scared them into the casting circle.”

“They will be questioned. Would you mind coming with me to Canterlot?”

“Yes, I definitely mind that. I want to be nowhere near Luna, not after what she tried to do. I fear for my safety around her.” Especially once she figures out that she’s locked in the dream.

Her eyes narrowed. “It is beyond time I dealt with this. I knew Luna had little social skills or social grace, but this is just ridiculous. It is overly obvious that you want nothing to do with her. I will make this very clear to her. I am done playing nice with her. If she does not get this fact through her foolish head, she will be spending the remainder of her seven years on the moon. After I have a talk with her, you need but say the word and I will have you removed from the roster of knights entirely. Or transferred to me, if you prefer.”

“What about the umbral knights?”

“I will consider it. Rules can be rewritten, after all. And if anypony deserves it at this point, it’s you. However, all of this assumes that you are telling the truth about Flo. This evidence here is convincing. I need to talk to the other three before I make my judgment. Does anypony else know about this Flo?”

“Taya. And none of the three of them actually know about Flo. I kept her quiet.”

“I see. They still need to be questioned, as does Taya. And what other kind of information does this laptop contain?”

“Pretty much everything. Do you want me to explain something horrifying to you?”

“Is it important?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. You want to hear it?”

“Very well. This has been an interesting night so far. What’s a few more epiphanies?”

“When I said I found a way back home, you probably assumed I traveled to a different world or another dimension. Well, that isn’t quite true. I traveled to the past. The far, far past. To a time when humans ruled the planet. This laptop here was made in the event a catastrophe happened and the world was rent asunder. Some context, if you need it: The company the four of us was captured by happened to find evidence of a certain… creature of immense power that traveled behind the scenes of our world, fiddling with events and getting into the minds of humans.”

“That sounds… familiar,” she mused.

“Oh, I imagine it does. You know this creature as Discord. You see, the group that found us knew of this creature and suspected he was planning something, something that would wipe humanity off the face of the planet. So they were in a hidden bunker built to outlast the apocalypse. Not only did they survive the end of the world, but it seems that they rebuilt, creating new races. New races of which you ponies—or I should say, the alicorns that preceded you ponies—are one.”

“Interesting theory. But have you any proof?”

“A little. There’s a surviving human installation that I found out about that I plan on visiting one day. And the dream machine that Luna uses, the Morpheus statue, that is a creation of the humans used to protect the slumbering minds of the new races from Discord’s influence.”

“But again, can you prove these things?”

“The dream machine thing, sort of. Have you ever heard Luna mention vagrants?”

“…Some time ago, yes. She was cursing them, but I don’t know why.”

“They are the instruments of the machines that fight intruders that aren’t human. One invaded her party tonight and spoke with me, since I was the first human it had seen in so long. He taught me how to find more of them and how to summon them should I ever need their help.”

“Hmm. And Discord? Can you prove that it was he who killed your race?”

“Now that… That I can’t prove, not without giving up my source. And honestly, it’s more of a theory based on some of what I know about him. It has been a long time since the death of my people and now. It’s entirely possible that it wasn’t this Discord bastard. But I think it was.”

“And you think Discord is free right now, doing as he pleases.”

“Yes. Yes I do. I helped Watcher and Reginald both build their lists of evidence.”

“And Watcher evidently believes to the point that he’s willing to give up everything to go with you on your journey, thinking you will find something to help beat Discord. Tell me, what do you think you’ll find out there, Navarone?”

“I think we both know that I can’t answer that, Celestia. I trust you, or I wouldn’t be telling you all this. But there are limits to what I trust you with. You’re a politician looking out for her subjects. What I’m doing and where I’m going is not open for discussion, nor is it open for you to meddle with. There’s a reason Watcher and his troops are leaving the guard.”

“You think I’m corrupted? That Discord is using me?”

“I know that you’d use me and what I’m doing to further your own plans. And I won’t have that. Don’t bother to ask anyone else, because there is a single person who knows the plan right now and that’s me.”

“Paranoia is another symptom Luna began showing, Navarone. Nightmare Moon whispered dark thoughts into my sister’s mind. She began thinking that I was plotting against her to hold all of the power to myself, to replace her as both sun and moon.”

“Didn’t you?”

“Only when she left me no choice. Is this something Flo wants, Navarone? For you to go around the world in search of something? Artifacts of power, perhaps? Items that you can find mere mentions of in books?”

“She supports me in my decision, but I went back home after I decided to leave.”

“I see. Where is Luna now? I need to speak to her and to a few other ponies.”

“I locked her in the dream party using the guardians. I don’t think she could leave even if she didn’t have a party to look after.”

“What of Rainbow Dash and Rarity? Do you know if they are both in their homes?”

“Rainbow Dash is at Luna’s party. I don’t know about Rarity.”

She nodded, standing. “I’m in for a very long night. Navarone, I trust you understand that I must place you under house arrest. I will send guards here soon, a mix of night and day. If you are not in this building when they arrive, you will be considered a renegade and will be tracked down. All your titles will be for naught and you will be assumed corrupted by a dark spirit. The elements of harmony will be gathered when you are found and you will be cleansed. Do you understand me?”

“Yeah. Don’t go anywhere. Simple enough.”

“Very good. Now, you say you locked Luna in the dream. That means you can unlock her. Come dawn, you will do so. That’s when the party is slated to end and I will not have her guests panicking because they can’t leave. If all goes well, I will return here come noon tomorrow.”

“What happens if Luna comes here immediately?”

“Wear your ring all night until either I show up or you get a message from me. If Luna comes here… I will leave orders with the guards. No charges will be filed if you have to restrain her with force. And all of the guards will either be on your side or neutral.”

“Lethal force?”

“If it comes to that, the guards will step in. Is there anything else you want to say before I go?”

“On the off chance you decide that Flo isn’t what I say she is… what happens?”

“I’ll give you the option of allowing me to look inside your mind to the point where you think she entered you. If I don’t like what I see, you will be cleansed by the elements.”

“Hm. What would that do to me?”

“Their effects are… variable. They turned Discord to stone. They sent Luna to the moon the first time and cleansed her of Nightmare Moon the second. They didn’t even work on Sombra for reasons we still don’t understand. A few other, lesser dangers were stunned long enough for us to get them to Tartarus.”

“…You would do that to me, wouldn’t you? Send me to your hell.”

“Those things we sent to Tartarus… They went there because they couldn’t be dealt with any other way. Navarone, if I truly thought you were a threat and the elements didn’t cleanse you, I would kill you myself. It would be a mercy, compared to Tartarus.”

“I think I can manage without your idea of mercy, thank you. Humans colonized that landmass long before we created you. I’d find a way to live out of sheer spite.”

“And I imagine you’d live well. If that is all, I have things to take care of. Hopefully, I will see you at noon. Farewell for now, Navarone.”

“Good luck, sunbutt. I hope you find the right evidence.”

“So do I.” Her horn lit up and she disappeared with a flash.

“If anything calls for a drink, this does,” I said to no one, walking over to the open safe, where I stored the good stuff.

“That’s a horrible idea,” Flo declared. “Navarone, you need to be sober. Guards are coming and you do not want to show them any weakness or any signs that you are anything but resolute in your claims. Getting drunk would show that you doubt yourself and are having one last party to enjoy your freedom.”

“That’s retarded.” I took her advice, though, slamming the safe closed instead of doing as I wanted and taking out a bottle. “If it comes to it, I’m showing her what happened when we first met. I’m not getting hit by the elements. I don’t know what they’ll do and I’m not going to risk it.”

“I understand. You might as well take some time to relax.”

“Yeah… After that damn rejuvenation spell Taya cast on me, there’s no way I’m getting to sleep tonight.” I walked over to the laptop and turned it off, then closed it. That done, I went on down the stairs to the living room to wait on the guards to arrive. “It’s a damn good thing the naga’s coming back next week,” I sighed, sinking into my chair. “I’d feel much better right now if that implacable mass of muscle was around.”

“That’s certainly understandable… Now that you finally have some time to think, there are some things you should consider. Namely, that you woke up with Midnight Blossom standing over you, fangs bared. And that your belt was undone.”

“And that I don’t have any stains in my pants. I got sucked off twice in that dream. My pants should not be clean.”

“These things raise numerous questions.”

“Questions that I don’t really care about. Getting molested is rote for me, at this point. No harm done.”

“That is… more disturbing than you can possibly realize, Nav.”

“Hey, if it didn’t hurt me and my body enjoyed it, it’s hardly wrong.”

“Would you have been saying that if I didn’t interrupt Luna?”

I didn’t have a response to that.

Half an hour later, an extremely loud bang woke me from my reverie. When I realized it had come from the door, I walked over there and opened it on up. A day guard was slumped over, facing the gate, his hind legs bent in directions that couldn’t be comfortable.

“…Can I help you?” I asked.

Someone else answered. “We’ve been sent to guard you,” Shining Armor said, stepping forward. “For some reason, he decided that involved trying to kick your door in before I could tell him this place was a changeling-made fortress.”

“Well, come on in. Can’t really offer you food, but it’s a cold night and there’s no reason to spend it outside.”

Another guard stepped forward. “My troops are watching the outside, Sir Navarone,” Midnight Blossom said. “Panzer and her squad are on the walls.”

“And mine are in the yard,” Shiny added. “With my shield up, they need not worry about the snow.”

“Yeah, but there ain’t no reason for you two to be out there. Especially you,” I said, looking at Midnight. “I got questions for you.”

“I... Yes sir,” she sighed. “Captain, I’ll watch him for now. He’s right. I do owe him... an explanation of sorts.”

“Alright. When you want to be relieved or trade positions, let me know. It’s not like anything will be getting in or out of this area with my shield in place.”

“Well, come on in,” I said, holding the door open wider for her to get inside.

Midnight stepped over the slowly recovering day guard still in front of my door, walking into my house. The door gently closed behind her, pushed by my calm hands. She had stopped in near the front, nervously looking around. One of her hooves gently pawed at the floor.

“Come in, come in,” I said, walking past her into the living room proper. “I have a feeling we’re going to be here for some time and I do have questions.” I waved her to one of the couches as I took a seat in my famed armchair.

She slowly plodded to the couch and finally sank into it. I let the silence build until she began fidgeting and finally said, “You have to understand—”

I held up a hand to stop her. “Why was my belt buckle undone?”

Her eyes went unfocused and she blinked. “W-what?”

“When I woke up and you were standing over me, my belt was undone. Why?”

“I... Sir, I didn’t touch your belt. I swear.”

“So it was Smiles?”

“He was the only one there before I ordered him away, yes.”

“Then it is time that I had a very serious talk with that soldier.” She seemed to finally relax, slumping down in her chair. “Now what the hell were you so worried about? Obviously you weren’t concerned about me thinking you molested me. So what did you do to me?”

Her ears shot straight down. “I was... curious about something. I was merely sating my curiosity.”

“Explain.”

She gulped, looking away again. “It was... a little over a year and a half ago, during a mission for the princess. She got word of some ponies going missing at night. She ordered me to look into it. When I arrived on the scene, I was... bitten. Bitten and compromised... And now you know, sir.”

“...No I don’t. Bitten by what? Mosquitos? Zombies? If you’re telling me you’re a zombie, I don’t buy it.”

“You... you don’t know?”

“No. What the hell are you talking about?”

She sighed. “I forgot you weren’t from Equestria. Eternals, sir. They have a more... colloquial name, vamponies, but they don’t like that name at all. The monster preying on the populace that Princess Luna sent me to apprehend was an eternal. And now, so am I.”

“Huh. That’s gotta suck. And it explains a lot. So what, you were curious about how I tasted? Decided I wouldn’t mind losing some blood to a cute mare?”

“More that you wouldn’t notice... But yes.”

I shrugged. “No harm done. Next time, ask. Why’re you so nervous about this, anyway? So you’re a bloodsucker. There are worse things to be.”

The shock on her face was well worth losing a few ounces of blood. “You... don’t care? I could be banished to Tartarus for this crime! And you just... you don’t care?”

“Why would I? I’ll make more blood. And it’s obvious that Luna knows. Even if she is criminally insane, I don’t think she would let you harm any of her ponies, so I figure you’re harmless enough.”

“That is... You are extremely open-minded, sir. Somewhat horrifyingly so.”

“Yeah. Hey, what did my blood taste like? I’ve heard it’s like maple syrup.”

“To be honest, it’s cloyingly sweet, almost painful to drink. Very filling, though. I don’t think anything else in Equestria has blood as thick as yours.”

“Well, that’s good to know, I guess. What happened to the vampire that turned you?”

“I put a stake through his rotten heart myself. When I got back to Canterlot with the remnants of my squad, the princess deliberated over what to do with me. Personally, I demanded to be sent to Tartarus. I have no place among normal ponies anymore, not with what I am. She... disagreed, and came up with an excuse for the fangs.”

“So where do you normally get blood? I can’t imagine that’s something people will just let you take.”

“Donations. The Equestrian Red Hoof sends some of its supplies to the palace for training accidents. Some of it goes to me.”

“So if you get that, why were you tasting me?”

“Like I said before, I was... curious. Something I found early on is that every species has a different flavor, if that makes any sense. I have... Well, if all goes well, I have a very long life ahead of me. So I decided to make it a goal of mine to taste all the races I could.”

“That’s pretty cool. You try dragon yet?”

“Yes sir. Tried being the key word; I chipped a fang on his scales. Didn’t even wake him up.”

I lifted a hand to my neck, feeling around for any bites. “So why don’t I have any marks?”

“An eternal couldn’t remain hidden for long if we left much in the way of a sign that we had been somewhere. Our saliva has healing properties, sealing wounds when we remove our fangs. You might have faint scars, but you could only see them if you knew for what to look.”

“Well ain’t you just a perfect little killing machine. Who all knows?”

“Just the princess... And you, now.”

“Well, I’m going to assume there’s a good reason for that. You don’t have to worry about me saying anything, at least not as long as you don’t tell anyone what a whore I am. You keep my secret, I keep yours.”

That got the first smile I had seen from her all night. “Yes sir. And here I was thinking you’d be the most angry to hear it... That’s one reason I was always so cross with you.”

“Just one of the reasons?”

“Well, one time you saw me was during the day, when I was in the sun. It nearly blinds me and it gives me a horrible, almost debilitating headache. My temper is short with everypony during the day.”

“Good to know. How common are vamponies?”

“Very rare, nowadays. The princesses did their best to remove all of them. As far as I or Princess Luna knows, I am the only sanctioned one in existence, these days. And I’m the only known one that is still brea—Well, moving around.”

“Hm. What happened to the ponies that went missing? The ones that started your vampire investigation?”

“Vampony. And we found most of them alive, enthralled to their master’s will. When he was killed, they all woke up, not remembering what had happened.”

“That’s pretty cool. Do you think you could do something like that?”

“If I knew how, it would probably be possible. But one of the downsides of killing him was that he couldn’t teach me anything. But it’s better this way. It’s hard to go mad with power when there’s no power to go mad with.”

“Fair enough. Man, tonight has been... a really interesting night, you know?”

“No sir, thankfully I don’t. Worrying about you and what you would do to me was my highlight of the night. But I do have to say, it’s odd that you were given guards. What happened, sir?”

“Luna went mad and threatened me. Words were exchanged. Celestia sent guards here to make sure I stayed safe and that I didn’t leave.”

“Mad as in... insane? Or did she just get angry?”

“Little of column A, little of column B. I might be able to tell you more, depending on how things turn out. Celestia’s supposed to be back come noon. If you and your troops need billets, there’s room in my house for some people to sleep, though it’ll be uncomfortable.”

“We’ll be fine, sir. What caused it? The princess’s anger, I mean. What happened?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it. Sore subject with me, you know?”

“After what I just told you, you don’t trust me?”

“It’s not that. It’s just painful to talk about. Luna and I haven’t gotten along very well in the past after she did some things. She finally went over the deep end this time and it’s bad, knowing she’s pretty much lost forever.” No it’s not. It’s more relieving than anything.

“I see... And will that affect us, her guards?”

“I don’t know. That’s up for Celestia to say, at this point. All I know is that it’s bad.”

“Hm... I need to think. If Luna is cast down, the night guards will be treated with suspicion. Do you want me to send Smiles in here to explain himself or should I just punish him?”

“He’s here? Guarding the house?”

“Princess Celestia asked for volunteers among the night guard. He was first in line. Panzer was second, to volunteer her squad.”

“And you?”

“And me, yes. I was third. I do question the wisdom of having both captains of the guard here, but I felt I needed to explain myself.”

“Then send him in, though not alone. With another night guard or something. Shiny would overreact, I imagine, if he heard what Smiles did. But I’ll give Smiles a chance to explain himself before castrating him.”

“...I’ll send him in with Panzer. Talk to you later, Sir Navarone.”

“See you, Blossom.”

She sighed. “Are you really going to keep calling me that? Even now?”

“What? I have a thing for dangerous women.” She just snorted and walked out the door, pulling it closed behind her. Flo just sighed disapprovingly. “Hey, don’t you judge me!” Another round of knocks on the door interrupted my scolding.

With a sigh, I walked on back over, pulling the large, heavy door back open. The large earth pony mare on the other side hopped up on her hind legs and pulled me into a tight hug. I awkwardly patted her on the back, unsure of what exactly was happening. Smiles stood next to her, also looking relatively awkward.

After a few seconds, Panzer let me go and flopped back to the ground, smiling. “It’s good to see that you’re okay, sir. When Princess Celestia asked for volunteers to guard you, I thought something bad happened to you!”

“I’m quite alright, I assure you. Come on in, you two. Get yourselves out of the cold.” I let the two of them in and pushed the door shut behind them, waving them both to the living room. “Sit, sit. Smiles, I have questions for you.”

“I... Yes sir.”

I sat back down in my chair. Panzer took over the couch Midnight had been on. Smiles conquered another. After a few seconds of silence, he said, “I can explain.”

“Oh? So why was my belt undone, Smiles? The captain said she had nothing to do with it.”

Smiles gulped, his eyes flicking to Panzer for a moment. “Well you see... I saw that you were having a... Um, reaction. In your pants. And I didn’t want you to be inconvenienced by that. So I sort of... relieved you of them. And kept you clean. Sir.”

“I didn’t see any paper towels in that room, Smiles.”

“I... I didn’t have any.” Panzer was looking more and more intrigued by this point, but she wasn’t saying anything.

“What did you use?”

“Well, sir, you see... You have to understand—”

“What. Did. You. Use?”

“My mouth, sir.”

As soon as Smiles finished speaking, he gulped noisily, possibly pretending there was my cum in his mouth, and looked away. I let the silence build up for several excruciatingly long seconds. A blush was slowly spreading across Panzer’s face as she realized just what exactly it was that we were talking about.

When I had a feeling he was about to burst into tears, I nodded. “Thank you for keeping me clean. You’re dismissed.”

His entire body jerked straight up as he looked at me, his mouth just dropped. “Wh-wh-wh-what?”

“Did I stutter? I said you’re dismissed. As in, get out.”

“...Yes sir.” He slowly pulled himself up. On unsteady legs, he walked to the door. I didn’t even look his way as he let himself out.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Panzer burst out laughing.

When dawn reared its ugly head, I closed the book I had been reading and let my eyes slide shut. Entering the world of dreams at this point was easy, even if I was having to do it while awake. Finding Luna’s dream world was just as simple. The three guards surrounded the bubble like vultures, ready to strike anything that seemed an easy target.

“You three are dismissed. This world is no longer under lockdown,” I said, addressing them.

“Very well, master,” they all three said at the same time before disappearing.

I didn’t stick around for the bubble to pop, instead waking up and finding Midnight Blossom staring at me with what might have been worry. “Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yes. Just tired.”

“As am I and the rest of the night guards. We should be sleeping now, or at least getting off duty.”

“If you and your troops need rest, the door to the cellar is in the kitchen. It won’t be comfortable, but it will be quiet and dark.”

“I’ll make the offer to them. I know I will definitely be staying inside, if not actually sleeping.”

“Cool, cool. How often do you need to eat?”

“Every day is best. But with what I got off you last night, I’ll be fine for a little while. I won’t nibble on anypony here.”

“What if I ask nicely?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m going to go talk to my troops now.”

Out she went. Flo sighed. “One of these days, she’s going to bite you.”

Oh baby.

“Ugh. I hate you sometimes, Nav.”

Taya and Doppel were both very confused about the guards in our house. It was easy enough to answer Doppel’s question: “Are any of them single?” she asked.

“Yep. Knock yourself out.” That placated her. She went outside to offer some of the guards... refreshments.

Taya was a little more difficult. “Daddy, why are there guards here?”

“Luna went crazy and found out about you-know-who,” I answered, tapping a finger against my skull.

“So did you kill her yet?”

“Celestia is hopefully dealing with Luna as we speak. If all goes well, the guards will be departing at noon.”

“And... if all doesn’t go well?”

“Then we’re going to have some problems.”

Ganger’s reaction was probably the funniest. He saw Captain Midnight and put on his most winning smile before walking over and attempting to flirt with her.

Blossom gave him an extremely contemptuous glare. “If you don’t get away from me in the next five seconds, you are going to learn the true definition of guard brutality.” His mouth opened for a response, but she cut him off. “One. Two. Three. Fo—” Before she could finish, Ganger made himself scarce, fleeing back up the stairs. “I hate emotion suckers,” she grumbled, glaring up the staircase from her position on the couch.

No one in the room said a word.

When Celestia didn’t appear at noon, I think I might have started sweating. The guards were getting antsy as well. Since I didn’t have enough to feed all of them, I didn’t feed any of them. They had been out there since around two or three in the morning all the way up to noon with no food, no relief, and little to do.

I did my best not to show any signs of nervousness to the guards around me or to anyone else. If I showed Taya that I was worried, she would be worried. And Celestia might ask the guards for reports. I had to be seen as completely confident, not at all worried about what might happen.

So I just continued looking at a book. I want to say I was reading it, but truth be told, I was just looking at the pages, not comprehending the text. Christ, is this what prisoners feel like before the final trip to the gallows? Except in my case, I wouldn’t be so lucky as to get killed.

Finally, an hour late, Shining Armor walked inside the house and reported, “Princess Celestia’s chariot has arrived. She’ll be in shortly. I suggest you prepare yourself, Navarone.”

“For what?” I asked, nervousness entering my voice for the first time that day.

He sighed and answered, “I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”

“Who else is with her, at least?”

“I believe it was Rainbow Dash and Rarity. And my sister and a few of her other friends arrived some time ago and are waiting outside the shield.”

My eyes closed as I leaned back in my seat. Suicide’s an option. I could excuse myself to go up to the office and just blow my brains out with the air rifle.

A bright lance of pain across my face jerked my eyes open. Flo almost snarled, “I didn’t help keep you alive this long for you to kill yourself now. This fight isn’t over, Navarone. Remember, you can still sell me out. I’d rather do that than let her ruin you.”

My eyes focused back on Shining Armor. “When she gets in, send her to my office. I believe we’ll need to talk in private.”

“You got it, Nav.” He went back outside and I achingly got to my feet, my legs unused for some time.

“Can I be there, daddy?” Taya asked.

“I’m afraid not, dear. Wait down here. If all goes well, this will be the end of it.”

“And if not?” Taya asked.

I didn’t have an answer for her. Honestly, I don’t think I needed one. Up the stairs I went. When I got into my office, I practically fell into my chair, leaving the door open.

“You seem unwell,” Celestia said, her voice appearing at my office door. My eyes slowly moved up to meet hers as she walked in, sitting in the large chair that she had yet to banish. “Nervous, even. Why is that?”

“Is it so hard for you to believe that my years here have left me with a less than pleasant view of the fairness of your legal system? After all that’s happened, are you really surprised?”

“I spoke to Rarity, Fancy Pants, and Rainbow Dash. They all mentioned nanomachines. But none of them seemed to recall any signs of this... artificial intelligence.”

It took me a few seconds to think of a good response to that. I slowly replied, as if tasting the words for their veracity, “If you had control of a piece of technology that could be considered dangerous or volatile, would you show it off to guests? Me, I wasn’t so much a guest as I was an old friend—”

“No, Navarone. What you are is a construct.”

“And you are a horse, but that doesn’t change anything. I know what I know, Celestia, and I am what I am. Get to the bottom line. What’s going to happen next?”

“We will get to that. All three of your time traveling companions seemed to think the idea of an artificial intelligence was possible, especially if they were created by a race like the humans. Rainbow Dash even believed she had seen one, but a previous talk with Rarity made her point moot. So I’m willing to believe that Flo might be one.”

“Well, that’s a plus. But I don’t think you’re going to let me walk from that alone.”

She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “And of course, I spoke to Luna, who admitted she might have been a little hasty with her decision to confront you like that. I have come to the conclusion that you might be correct, Navarone. Luna is either mentally unsound or she is just completely unable to comprehend the feelings of others. What you call sociopathic, I believe.”

“If she’s sociopathic, she’s mentally unsound. It’s pretty much the same thing.”

“The reasons she thought you were corrupted are frankly disgusting to me and I won’t repeat them to you. If you hadn’t told me about this Flo and just sent me to talk to Luna, I would have completely dismissed this after doing so.”

“Son of a—”

“As it is,” she broke in, “I was forced to investigate. The evidence from the three that went with you points in your favor.”

“But you’re not convinced.”

“Correct. Navarone, it is time I met this... Flo.”

“And you’d just trust her in your mind like that?”

“Therein lies the problem. I need to speak to her, but I can’t allow the risk of corruption.”

“If I may,” Flo whispered, making my eyes go unfocused. “I can speak through the laptop. She can speak to me privately, I don’t have to control you, and she doesn’t have to allow me access to her mind.”

“Flo gave me an alternative,” I said. “As a human construct, she can access the laptop and speak through it.”

“That is acceptable. No risk of corruption for me.”

When I had left my office hours earlier, I left the laptop on the desk. It opened with ease and turned on, a silence returning to the room. Possibly to fill in the silence or possibly to help me relax, Celestia spoke. “Luna did want me to apologize to you, by the way. For disguising as me, at least.”

“She can apologize all she wants. She isn’t going to change. The only way I’d even consider forgiving her is if she admitted everything she’s done to me in public and then apologized in view of everyone. And I think we both know how likely that is to happen.”

“I’ll tell her anyway. Who knows? Maybe she’ll be very desperate to keep her only knight.”

“Feh.” I cupped my hand under my ear, allowing Flo to ooze out. Her liquid body seemed to vibrate as I brought her down to the computer.

“That truly is different from Nightmare Moon,” Celestia said, looking at the mass of water. “I’ll give you that.”

“Probably because it isn’t anything like her,” I answered as Flo began interfacing with the laptop’s machine-spirit. Soon enough, a face appeared on the screen.

“Hello, Celestia,” the speakers on the laptop said in a cool feminine voice. “It truly is about time we met.”

“Indeed. Navarone, leave us. I am quite interested in what this thing has to say.” I turned the laptop around to face Celestia, stood up, and left without a word. Then I walked next door to my room, grabbed my rifle, broke it down, stuffed it and a few magazines in a bag, then carried it downstairs with me.

“What’s happening?” Taya asked as soon as she saw me coming down the stairs. She and Blossom were the only two in the living room anymore. The captain was reading one of the books I hadn’t been allowed to print, enjoying some literature that wasn’t about unicorns shitting flowers.

“It’s wait and see,” I answered. “Come on into the kitchen. I know I’m hungry.”

Blossom didn’t even look up as I led Taya away. That’s what I was counting on, because I really wanted to talk to my daughter alone. Of course, with Midnight’s affliction, there was no telling if she would be able to hear what I was saying or not.

At least the kitchen was empty. Doppel found an interesting way to keep the spirit of the guards up. I think we all know what it was. Because of that, most of them weren’t bitching about being hungry.

“So what’s really going on?” Taya asked, sitting at the table.

“I’m up shit creek and my only paddle is half-broken and trying to persuade the shit that I’m not worth capsizing. Luna tried to rape me again, Flo stepped in to stop her, and Luna went crazy. And now Celestia knows about Flo and is worried that she might be a kind of corruption in my mind, like Nightmare Moon was.”

“So because Luna went crazy, Celestia thinks you’re going crazy.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“...Daddy, why did we stay in Equestria this long? We should have left a long time ago.”

“Agreed. But we’re here. Escaping would be... difficult.” I held up my hand, pointing at my ring. “But not impossible. Remember Scorched Earth?” A long time ago, I mentioned how Taya was a lot more paranoid in some ways than I was. One of those ways was coming up with a few plans on how to deal with trouble. Scorched Earth involved destroying everything in the immediate area and then running like hell.

“...Yes, daddy.”

“Good.” Kneeling down, I pulled the flap of the bag open and started reassembling my rifle. “If things go poorly, my choices might be limited to a lobotomy or trying to escape. I’d very much prefer you not get involved, but I already know where telling you that would get me. So if push comes to shove, well, you know what to do. But wait for my signal.”

She knew the bare minimum of the plan, which essentially boiled down to me helping her escape and then surrendering, doing my best to let her get free to the airship. I wasn’t about to risk Taya if things went poorly. No, I’d give myself up and let her get free any day.

When my gun was together again, I set it down on the counter. “I meant what I said, though. I am hungry. You want anything?”

Her head shook. “Too nervous,” she quietly answered.

“I know that feel. I’m nervous, too. Flo’s up there doing her best to get me out of trouble. And I can feel her missing, you know? I know she’s not in my head and it feels... wrong. But even with my nerves racing and that feeling of wrongness, I know I need to eat. Hell, so do you. I know you didn’t eat breakfast.”

As I made something simple for lunch, I couldn’t help but wonder just what Flo could be talking to Celestia about. I was almost certain I would be spared the wrath of the elements, but what would we lose in exchange? How much did Luna ruin? And could it be fixed?

All questions I could deal with later. Had to deal with later, even. One thing was certain, though: Fuck Luna. I’m done with her. Absolutely finished. Done being her knight, done being any kind of advisor, and honestly, I wouldn’t be all that sad if I never saw her again. It would be tempting to stop being a dream cop, but now that I knew a little better about how the dream machine worked, I would be trying to figure more of it out.

When I had the plates down on the table, I realized that I honestly didn’t want to eat. Seeing Taya looking at her plate dubiously, I ate anyway, knowing I needed to set a good example. We were both hungry, even if the nerves wouldn’t let us feel it.

Eating was probably a bad idea, as it turned out. I know I, at least, felt more queasy after the fact. But whatever. Back to the living room we went. Instead of on the armchair, I sat on a long couch, letting Taya take up a position next to me. Except instead of next to me, it ended up being mostly in my lap so I could gently rub her belly.

A few minutes into it, Blossom looked up and saw what I was doing. She snorted, rolling her eyes. “What?” I asked.

“That. It’s odd, sir.”

“Odd? How?”

“Treating a pony like a pet. It seems wrong to me. At the very least, it seems odd.”

“Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it. I’ve yet to find a pony that didn’t like my belly rubs. Or like me scratching at their ears. Or a few other things.”

“I think I’ll pass. Sir.”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself.” She went back to her book and I went back to keeping Taya calm and placated.

That’s how we were situated when Celestia came back down the stairs. Looking up at her, I honestly felt like I was facing a firing squad. I don’t know which would have been preferable.

But she wasn’t looking at me. “Captain Blossom, you and the other guards may return to Canterlot.” I felt my entire body sag with relief. “You may send the elements of harmony home as well, though I believe a few of them will have questions. I don’t think Navarone would mind if they remained.”

The mare hopped to her hooves. “Yes, Princess,” the captain hastily said, tossing up a salute. She bustled out the door, flinching as she was exposed to the sunlight. At least she was polite enough to pull it closed behind her, thankfully.

“Navarone, come. I have a few more questions. This matter is closed, but I wouldn’t mind knowing some more.”

I sighed and stood, letting Taya fall back against the couch. “Very well,” I said. “Back upstairs we go. I have a feeling we’d be interrupted down here. Taya, if anyone comes in, tell them we’ll be down shortly.”

“Yes, daddy,” she somewhat sleepily answered. I followed Celestia back up, making a point to stare at her ass.

“So what more do you want to know?” I asked, sitting down behind my desk. Flo was still attached to the computer, so I let her slither up my arm and sink into my skull.

“I assume you want to be retired from the knights?”

“Being a knight has... advantages. But I really don’t feel like swearing any oaths to anyone and I’m not going to be working for Luna any longer.”

“You don’t want to swear oaths to anypony in particular... But what about an oath to a nation?”

“A nation I’m going to be abandoning soon? I might or might not come back. There’s baggage here that’s not worth returning to.”

“And there are some things that might be worth your time. You asked earlier about the umbral knights. Their only oath is to Equestria. I could easily change the rules to say that anypony—anyone—that has done exemplary service for the nation can be an umbral knight. A royal savior and a defender of harmony fits into that nicely, wouldn’t you think?”

“Hm. And what’s in it for me?”

“You essentially become royalty, Nav. You can give orders to any of the soldiers and you can countermand any orders we give you or them, assuming you can justify that it was for the good of the nation.”

“But you and Luna can both still give me orders.”

“We can give you orders now. That doesn’t mean you’re going to obey them.”

“Is it a standing offer?”

“For now, it can be. So you’ll think about it?”

“I’ll think about it. Remove me from the list of knights for now. I don’t want to be associated with Luna.”

“I have an important point, and I want you to hear me out before you give me your opinion. Luna’s guards are soon going to need somepony they can look up to. If news about what happened gets out, I have a feeling morale might plummet. And having you completely removed from the military can only make matters worse. Especially if you’re hiring guards away, as I know you are. I’m not saying you have to stay with Luna, but at least consider staying a knight.”

“No. Remove me from the list until I decide about the umbral knights.”

She sighed. “So be it. You’ll have to return the axe, of course.”

“By all means, take the hunk of junk. I haven’t used that thing in months. You can grab it from the mantle, where it’s hanging, before you leave. Can I commission the palace armorer to make me a new set of armor, or do I need to find a freelancer?”

“The armor is yours. You can keep it.”

“Yeah, but it has Luna’s symbols all over it. I’ll keep it, but I doubt I’ll ever wear it again. And that defender of harmony set needs to be repainted before I’ll even consider wearing it. I’d rather just get a new set entirely.”

“Then feel free to ask the palace armorer if you want, but the cost will come out of your pocket.”

“I can deal with that.”

“If you can support yourself, by all means. Another question, one more lighthearted. You said Luna was pretending to be me at the party. What did she do?”

“She dressed up as a larger white mare with pink hair and a small sun as a cutie mark. When pressed for a name, she said it was Sunny. We played around in the pool, she sucked me off under a table in the middle of a conversation—in which the other person discovered her toying with me—we danced, I foolishly told her what clothing would get me going, and then we went back to a private room.”

“And you did all of this... with who you thought was me?”

“Yep.”

“Including leaning in for a kiss?”

“Well, it’s not like we haven’t used our mouths on each other for worse.”

A smile slowly spread across her face. “Nav...”

“No.”

“Na-aaav!”

“We’ve been over this, Celestia. I’m leaving. If I come back and I haven’t found anyone else, we might talk. Until then, we’ll remain as professional as fuckbuddies can be. Besides, your timing is fucking awful. I just got down off the adrenaline high of my life. Now, is there anything else you wanted?”

“Any messages for Luna?”

“I have nothing left to say to her. You know my ultimatum. She does a public admittance of guilt and apologizes there, I’ll consider forgiving her—but never, ever doing anything romantic with her. Otherwise, well, I’m done with her. Completely. Absolutely minimal contact.”

“I’ll tell her. For what it’s worth, I think she might have finally realized what she did. And I mean truly realized this time.”

“I don’t care. Don’t even keep me updated about her. If she’s ready for that public apology, by all means, send me a note. But otherwise, don’t bother.”

“Well, that makes my life easier in some ways. Do you need anything else?”

“Not right now. If Luna ever shows up at my house, I can’t promise not to kill her.”

“Understood. I don’t truly think you could kill either of us, but not for lack of trying. She will not come by. If she does, and you don’t kill her, I might. There is only so much I can tolerate from her before I say no more.”

“Good. That’s all, then.”

She nodded. “I’ll head downstairs. I assume you want to talk to Flo.”

“Some time would be nice. Christ, I’m exhausted. You ever get tiredness so ingrained into your body that it feels like your bones are dusty?”

“I’m a ruler, Nav. Of course I have. Now, I’ll see you later. I need to talk to the elements.”

“Have fun. If you leave before I get down, let anyone that’s staying know that I’ll be down when I’m good and ready.”

“Of course.” She got up and slowly walked out, almost as if she was expecting me to say something to stop her.

When my office door clicked shut, I leaned back in my seat. “What the hell happened?” I asked. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her some of the truth. Not all of it, of course, but enough of it for her to leave us be. And I spent a good long while yelling at her, but that’s not really important.”

“It... kinda is,” I said, almost feeling alarmed. “Why did you think it would be a good idea to yell at the person who was deciding your fate?”

“There are things that horse needed to hear that were a long time coming, Nav. When I finally got the chance to actually tell her what I thought, face to screen, I wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip away.”

“Flo, that’s retarded. Like, suicidally retarded. I’ll admit that I don’t make the best of decisions all the time and I do ignore you, but you do not want to follow in my footsteps! Not like that!”

“I was being careful. Remember Nav, I know Celestia as well as you do. Better, possibly. By showing her that I care about you more than my own safety—because you better believe you were the topic at hand—I showed her that I wasn’t what she was expecting. And of course, I also got the satisfaction of finally giving her a piece of my mind.”

“Be careful, there. You almost sounded human.”

“Ooh. I’ll watch out for that in the future. Wouldn’t want you thinking I have feelings too or anything.”

Christ, do I really ruin everything I touch this badly?

“Yes. And don’t forget that I can hear your thoughts.”

I smirked. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves!

“No! Bad Nav!”

Everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves!

“I’ll be good! I’ll stop!”

“That’s what I thought. Anyway, you think Celestia’s gone yet? I should probably let Taya know everything’s okay, but I don’t really want to go down there right now if she’s there.”

“I don’t know how you always forget this, but there’s a window pointing to town behind your desk. Just look out there and see if her chariot is still here.”

I slowly panned around in my seat, feeling like even more of a fool than usual. “How do I always forget this damn thing?” I sighed, noticing Celestia’s chariot flying away, a billowing pastel mane trailing behind it. Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie were walking on the road to town. Well, Pinkie was skipping, but either way, they were also leaving. Applejack was headed home as well, taking a more direct route. There was no sign of Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash, so I assumed they both flew off.

With all of them presumably gone, I shut the laptop off, closed it, gently locked it back in the safe, and then walked over to the door just in time for it to get slammed open in my face.

“Nav, what hap—are you okay?” Rainbow Dash said.

Given that I was on the floor and probably bleeding, the answer should have been obvious. “What do you think?” I asked, my voice nasally.

She somehow used a hoof to pull my hand away from my nose. “Oooh... Uh, you’ll probably be fine.” And then she let the hand fall right back against the nose, making me flinch in pain. “What happened at the party? First you disappeared and then Luna was extremely pissed and then buckin’ Celestia showed up when the party ended and dragged both me and Luna away! I... I didn’t want to tell her what happened with the humans, but... Well, she’s the princess and she said you said it was okay! And what’s going on?!”

Touching around my nose to make sure it wasn’t destroyed, I stood up and walked back to my desk, waving a hand at the large chair Celestia left behind. “Sit.” For whatever reason, she decided instead to fly over to the chair. “Alright, Luna fucked up. That’s the underlying theme here. That’s why I left, why Luna was pissed, and why Celestia dragged you both off.”

“Well, what did she do?”

“You know how Celestia was asking you about artificial intelligences?”

“Well, about that...” she answered, suddenly cagey.

“I don’t blame you for telling her. It was hardly fair of me to ask you to keep it a secret in the first place. But she knows and that’s that. Anyway, she was asking about artificial intelligences. You see, Luna thought I was corrupted by something like Nightmare Moon. She thought this because she tried to take advantage of me in the dream and I stopped her from succeeding. Honestly, it’s not important and I’d prefer that you didn’t tell anyone. Did you at least enjoy the party?”

“Are you... sure you don’t want to talk about it? And what was that about arti-whatevers?”

“Don’t tell Twilight this, but I have a second intelligence in my head, one created by humans. Luna mistook the human creation for an evil influence and freaked the fuck out, as is her nature.”

“Huh. And I used to think she was cool...”

“We all make mistakes. Did you at least enjoy the party before it all went to hell?”

“Dude, I was having an amazing time! I found this really awesome mare that seemed to know a lot about the whole dream thing. I really wish I had gotten her name, but she disappeared a few hours into the party...” She sighed, looking somewhat forlorn, and I was almost tempted to tell her before I remembered that it could never work anyway. “After she disappeared, I just hung out with a few of the friends I had there. I also checked out the strip club.” She chuckled darkly. “They had somepony disguised as Rarity up there!”

“I bet you really enjoyed that, didn’t you?”

“Eh, not really. I know she isn’t into mares. She’s pretty, but that doesn’t do me any good if she wouldn’t want to have any fun. No, my eyes were on the Spitfire they had! Whoever was pretending to be her was really good at it, too! Almost like they had all her memories, because she knew me. She even gave me a private showing!” I smiled at that and felt tempted to tell her that Spitfire was real, but decided not to.

“Well, it’s good you had fun, even if it ended up going to shit. Shame I couldn’t spend more time with you, maybe even find you a good mare, but I don’t think I would have been safe if I stayed.”

“Find me a good mare? What about you? Celestia knows you could use a good one in your life.”

I shrugged. “Not really interested in a relationship right now. Just waiting for things to calm down, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess...” The silence built and I was about to politely tell her to fuck off so I could make sure my nose was okay, but she said, “Do you remember what we were talking about before the party?”

“Me using the gender stones to turn into a chick so we can fuck?”

“No, after that, on the flight here. Is racism a big thing in your world?”

“Yeah. And to answer your next question, I’m aware that it doesn’t make any sense for us to do that, given that we’re all humans. There are different... breeds, you could say, of humans. They’re all basically the same functionally, but they have some physical differences. No one said racism had to make sense.”

“Huh. Anyway, how did the humans deal with it?”

“We didn’t. The best way to handle it is through education, though. Racism is founded upon fear of the unknown, after all. Remove the ignorance and there goes a lot of the reasons that people have to be racist.”

“So it’s Cheerilee’s fault!”

“No. Well, probably not. She was one of the first ponies to open up to me, after all. Alright, there are two kinds of racism that I suppose I should mention. One is purpose bred racism, caused by a government and spread by propaganda. The other is the fear of the unknown. There’s evidence of the first one in Equestria, with all the shitty pony words like anypony. That’s evidence of nationalism inspired by racial qualities, which can lead to pogroms and the like to get rid of unwanted guests.”

“What’s a pogrom?”

“Violence against an ethnic group on a largish scale. An example would be kicking all the griffins out of a city if they had been living there for some time. This kind of nationalism brings a country together in dark times, but it also turns them against all outsiders or anyone that doesn’t fit the desired quality. This can be compounded by the natural fear of the unknown. Everyone feels it to differing degrees.”

“What if I’m not afraid of anything?”

“Then you’re a liar. Both of these can be fixed by educating people about other races. Like, I heard Pinkie say she didn’t know what a griffin even was until she met Gilda. That’s simply inexcusable, in my mind. The griffins have an entire kingdom north of this place. Even in a rural town like this and the one she grew up in, she should have at the very least heard of them. But no one’s talking about them because so few know about them. If schools educated about other races, people wouldn’t be as afraid of them should they ever meet one.”

“That... makes sense.”

“Of course, there are other problems. A child is going to be around his parents more often than his teacher. Racism usually spreads in families because kids don’t know any better and would rather trust their parents than their teachers.”

“So... how do you fix that?”

“Fuck if I know. Some kids fall into that trap, some don’t. And who knows? Maybe I’m just looking at this entire situation through the dark eyes of someone who always expects the worst of people. Racism in this place could just be my imagination.”

“It’s not... And it’s about time someone did something about it.”

“Well, have fun with that.”

“You... aren’t going to help me?” she asked, totally flabbergasted.

“Nah. I’ll wish you good luck, though.”

“You have more to gain than anypony, though!”

“Not really. I forged myself a place here. I wouldn’t mind having a talk or two with Cheerilee about changing her lesson plan, but I really don’t feel like dealing with anyone or anything else. Fighting racism is an uphill battle all the way to the top. And the worst part is, you never know where the top is. At times, you end up fighting yourself without realizing it. It’s just not worth it, to me.”

“It is to me! Equestria’s my home and it should be welcoming to anyone and everyone. If you won’t help me, I’ll try to do it on my own!”

“Good luck, then. I really do mean it. If you give up, I won’t think any less of you. I suggest talking to Cheerilee first. If you need to, send her my way.”

“...Alright.” And the silence built up again. Eventually she said, “And you’re sure you’re okay? About the whole Luna thing, I mean.”

“Yeah. I’m going to be wearing my ring for a while longer, but for the moment, I’m okay.”

She nodded once. “You need anything, like someone to talk to, let me know. We’re all here for you, Nav.”

“I know. Say, what happened to Taya? She was supposed to keep everyone downstairs.”

“Fluttershy’s distracting her for me. I sort of snuck past her. I suppose I should get out of your mane, then. See you later, Nav.”

She didn’t even bother pulling the door shut behind her. I’m just glad she didn’t actually break the thing by kicking it open. It was slammed open, but not kicked.

“Your nose isn’t broken,” Flo told me before I could go find a mirror to check on it. “But you should get Taya to fix it up anyway. And you should also go talk to her. Like, right now.”

Once again, I pulled myself out of my office chair and stood, stretching. “This has been a really weird day,” I groaned, my body already feeling better. Flo didn’t answer. Really, what more could you say?

Anyway, I went on down the stairs, getting down in time to see Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy leaving. I waved to them before the door could close and then looked down to Taya. “Well, we’re safe for now,” I said.

She beamed up at me before noticing my nose. “What happened?”

“Little accident, nothing important. You mind taking care of it?” She patted the spot on the couch next to her and I sat down in it, giving her easy access to my face.

As she healed it, she asked, “So really, what happened? In detail, daddy.”

I sighed and told her most of what had gone down today, leaving out the conversations with the troops and Rainbow Dash. And getting sucked off under the table, of course. “Long story short,” I was finishing with, “fuck Luna. Celestia’s getting awesome, but we’re done with Luna. And I’m done with being a knight.”

“Your friends were kind of wondering why Celestia took the axe...”

“Well, now you know why.”

“Does this change anything? Like, any of our plans to leave?”

“Nope. Everything’s pretty set in stone, now. I’ve already gotten my invitations to the Europe party and we’re leaving on the airship immediately after that. No change in plans.”

“Why not? Won’t Luna be desperate now?”

“Because I finally have permission to tear her a new asshole if she shows up anywhere near me. She might get desperate, but Celestia has assured me that Luna won’t be a problem. And trust me, Celestia was beyond pissed at this point. We’re both sick of Luna acting like a child and I think Celestia is finally doing something about it. So no, I’m not really worried about Luna. Celestia, though... She might be somewhat of a problem, but I don’t really think there’s much she can do against me. I’d rather leave when I’m fully prepared, risking more interruptions, than leave prematurely and lose out on so much of what I had planned. So no, we’re continuing as planned.”

“Alright, daddy. So what next?”

“The usual, for the most part. I need to go and commission a new set of armor now that I’m not a knight and don’t want to wear Luna’s symbols, though. That can wait until tomorrow, because I really don’t want to risk running into Luna right now. And it doesn’t help that the weather outside is still shit. So for now, I guess it’s just business as usual. Didn’t you have magic to practice with Twilight today?”

“Yes. But I’m not leaving you.”

I blinked, surprised. “Oh. Well, let’s think of something to do together...”

Chapter Eighty-Eight—Some Serious Shit

Chapter Eighty-Eight—Some Serious Shit

With the fuckhuge crisis out of the way and Luna’s damnable party no longer on the horizon, I was able to finally actually start getting ready to leave. The Europe party was in a month and I needed to have everything going onto the airship ready to leave in two weeks. That meant Taya, all my shit, and everyone else that was going needed to be accounted for and ready to go.

The naga was going to be returning soon, so he wasn’t really a problem. He’d bring everything he was taking with him, so that was that.

Gilda was supposed to get there the day before the ship left. She’d be bringing everything she needed—probably very little—so she was easy enough to plan for.

Doppel and Eva had very little in the way of personal possessions, aside from clothing, so packing them up was easy. The hardest part there was convincing Doppel to leave behind most of her fetishistic outfits.

Taya was only bringing clothing and books. No toys, no makeup, nothing a little girl should carry with her. Just… clothes and books. Honestly, I found that somewhat heartbreaking in a way.

Spike was bringing a few books, some clothing, and his weapons, but he was going to be teleported to the party with me by Celestia, so most of his shit could go that way.

Watcher and his troops were supposed to be bringing their own shit. I had the gold to pay them, so there was little else I needed in terms of those guys.

The crew manning the ship were supposed to get all the food and supplies we needed. I was supplying the ship’s weapons and they were going to get them from my house when they picked up everyone else.

All I was bringing were my weapons, some clothing, some books, all my magic stuff, plenty of gold, the laptop, a new set of armor that I took a quick trip to Canterlot to commission, and anything else I could think of that I might need. I would be loading most of that into the ship when it came by the house to get everyone.

…And I completely forgot that I offered to take Zecora. She came by my house a few days after Luna’s party and told me she was in, if it meant we were going to South America. Not many people came back from that place, but she was hoping with all the preparations we were making and all the fighters we had, we’d be fine.

So was I.

The air elemental hadn’t made a single reappearance since we saw her at the apple orchard. Flo assured me that the air elemental would definitely follow us, but I would rather have her officially on my side instead of just pranking my enemies. Especially now that Luna was more obviously my enemy. I was expecting to start hearing reports that she was getting fucked with soon.

A smiling Lyra and Bon-Bon came to my door some time during that week with three neutral packages of general apathy. Those three kids looked familiar, but I couldn’t place them.

“Howdy, Lyra, Bon-Bon,” I merrily said when the door was open. “You brought new guests this time. They look familiar for some reason.”

“They should,” Bonnie answered. “After all, it was you that sent them to the orphanage.”

“Whoa now, I haven’t made any orphans in mainland Equestria!” God, why would they bring me kids whose parents I fucking killed?

Lyra and Bon-Bon both looked extremely confused by that until Lyra smiled. “Ha, good one, Nav! Don’t you remember? Applejack caught these three taking apples and you sent them to Canterlot to live in the princess’s orphanage.”

The memory slightly returned to me. “Oh yeah. That’s… better than what I was thinking. Ah, anyway, come on in out of the cold. No reason to freeze in that snow out there.”

“Thank you, Sir Navarone,” Bonnie said, stepping in as I made room.

“It’s not ‘Sir’ anymore,” I answered. “And even if it was, you should know better than to call me that by now.” With the door closed behind Lyra, who was the last in, I walked on around. “Make yourselves at home.” I know I sure did, grabbing my chair before any of those cretin children could steal it from me. “What brings you five by?”

“Oh, just a few more questions, if you have the time,” Bon-Bon replied. “And the kids wanted to meet you, of course.”

“I always have time for you two. And hello again, children. I believe you three already know me. What are your names?”

“Cloverwood,” the bigger colt said.

The middle said, “Treetop.”

And the little filly answered, “Cherrywood.” Shit, their parents must have been carpenters or something.

“It’s nice to meet you more formally, without an angry crowd around us. Come, sit.”

“Well,” Lyra hesitantly began, “we were hoping that we could talk in private.”

“That’s easy enough.” I hopped back up, saying, “Just a moment.” With them waiting there, I walked over to the study where Eva was either practicing reading or trying to decide which books to take. “Hey Eva, got a job for you.”

“Okay!” The book she was looking at dropped to the table as she hopped up, very eager to be of any kind of service.

I led her right back to the living room, where Bon-Bon was sitting on the couch and the other three were exploring the few items I had sitting around for public viewing. “Eva, can you show these three the pool?”

“Okay, Navi! Come on, guys, let’s go swimming!”

Bon-Bon cast me a somewhat alarmed look. “Nav, it’s snowing. Should they really be swimming in that?”

“It’s an indoor pool, nice and heated.” Sort of. “As long as they dry off before you all leave, there won’t be any problems.”

“Well… alright,” Bonnie said, shrugging. “Just be careful.”

Eva nodded. “Don’t you worry about a thing! Navi lets me watch Taya all the time.” More like the other way around. Either way, she led the passive kids away to the kitchen and I reclaimed my seat.

“So,” Lyra said, grinning, “Navi?”

“No. Bad Lyra. Eva only gets to call me that because I can’t say no to adorable changelings.”

“Oh? You think we’re adorable?” Bon-Bon asked, changing back into her real body and smiling.

“Yeah. So what did you two want to ask? And hell, why these three? They’re coming with some baggage.”

“They looked like they needed it,” Bon-Bon said with a shrug.

Lyra giggled and added, “And the few younger ones were afraid of Bonnie.”

“The princess told us the three of them came in a package and we decided we could make it work,” Bon-Bon finished.

That gave me a useful idea, but I decided to save it for later. “Well, what other questions did you have?”

And so it was that I gave them the same psychology lesson that I gave to the crew of the airship, the ex-slaves. There’s no reason to repeat myself and no one is reading this anyway—you fucking assholes—so I won’t put it down here.

Some long minutes later, when they were out of questions, I said, “So three of them, huh? Isn’t your house pretty cramped?”

They both sighed. “Yes,” Bonnie answered. “They’re sharing a room for now. They don’t seem to mind, thankfully. When they get older, we know we’ll have to at least get a separate room for Cherrywood.”

Lyra nodded. “And money’s tight. We would upgrade, but… Well, the wedding did set us back somewhat.”

“Understandable,” I said, mentally smiling. “I have a… proposition of sorts. It might help temporarily abate that problem.”

“What’s that?” Bonnie asked.

“In a few weeks, I’m going on a vacation of sorts. A long one. Months or maybe even years. My house is going to be empty when that happens. Large empty houses attract unwelcome guests, in my experience. I wouldn’t frown on having a few house sitters. Live here while I’m gone, use the house as you need it. There aren’t any bills, since the house is self-sustained. You could save up enough money while I’m gone to get a house of your own.”

“That’s…” Bonnie started, sounding uncertain.

“Wonderful!” Lyra finished, much happier. “But where are you going? And why’s everypony going with you?”

“Lyra, please,” Bon-Bon sighed. “Nav, are you sure about this? Trusting your home to us and three foals you barely know? If something were to happen to it, we could never afford to fix it!”

“One of the reasons that I need someone to watch my home is because I can’t bring all the money I have with me and have to leave some here,” I answered. “If anything happens, use some of that to repair some damage. But this house is pretty fucking sturdy. A royal guard tried kicking the door down and just ended up hurting his legs. It’ll take a lot to hurt this place.”

“Then what about the Everfree?” she asked, looking to the wall where we could practically feel its evilness lurking. “Is it really safe to live so close to that place with three defenseless foals?”

“I’ve lived here for almost a year already and I’ve never seen anything hostile coming out of that forest. The monsters seem to be localized there. And most of them can be kept out by the wall, anyway. That gate isn’t just for show, after all. Even if they get through the wall, they’d never get into the house itself. Those windows are either made of strengthened glass or some kind of really strong crystal. Trust me, this place is perfectly safe.”

“I don’t know…” Bon-Bon dubiously said.

“Lighten up, Bonnie!” Lyra quickly shot back. “This is exactly what we need. More room, getting slightly away from Ponyville, and getting a chance to build up the bits to get our own place. There are a few downsides, but the benefits easily outweigh them! And he has a bucking pool!”

Bon-Bon bit her lower lip, not something I advise for anyone with fangs. “Can we… think about it for a few days?” she finally asked.

“I’m not leaving until the start of spring, so you have a few weeks to decide. But everyone else here is going to be leaving in two or so weeks, so you can start moving stuff in then, if you decide to accept the offer.”

“Alright… So why are you going?” Bon-Bon asked.

“And where?” Lyra added.

“And when will you get back?” Bonnie finished.

“The where is pretty much everywhere. I have a lot of destinations in mind. The first stop will be this year’s Europe party. After that, somewhere to the north. The why? Well, we humans have something in us called wanderlust. Our feet get tapping and we have an insatiable desire to explore. I’ve already done all the exploring I can do in the Everfree, so I have to move on.”

“And you’re bringing Taya with you?” Bon-Bon asked. “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Be honest: Do you really think I could leave Taya behind?” They both rolled their eyes, agreeing. “I welcome the company. I got a good group going with me, too, so it’s not like it’ll be too dangerous.”

“So when will you get back?” Bon-Bon repeated.

“When the wanderlust is eaten up in me, I guess. I may not ever come back. There’s not much tying me down to Equestria nowadays. Friends, yeah, and I’d miss all of you. But there are plenty of memories here that I’m not certain I want to revisit.”

“Things will definitely be different around town without you around, Nav,” Lyra said. “Everypony likes having you out here on the edge of the forest. It makes them feel safer.”

“But they don’t like having me in town?” I asked with a smile.

Bon-Bon shrugged. “Coming from somepony who’s different, even if I’m only newly revealed to be different, there are those who would be happy to see you gone. But more would be sad.”

“Yeah, I know. Oh, and by the way, this is still a secret. So don’t go blabbing about it to anyone until I tell you it’s okay, alright?”

“You don’t have to worry about us, Nav,” Bon-Bon said. “We’ll keep it quiet. Right, honey?” she asked, throwing a small glare at Lyra, who nodded sheepishly.

After a second, though, she asked, “What do you mean you don’t have much tying you down here, though? What about being a knight?”

“I retired. As of a few days ago, I am no longer Sir Navarone, Knight of Princess Luna. Now I’m just Navarone.”

“I… I didn’t know that was possible,” Bon-Bon commented.

“At least, not without breaking your armor!” Lyra added, making me roll my eyes.

“Well, I managed. If I come back, I might rejoin their ranks. But for now, I’m happy to be a free man, unbound by any oath or duty.”

“Why? And how?” Bonnie asked. “If you don’t mind me asking, of course,” she hastily tacked on.

“Luna and I had a… disagreement that has lasted several years now. Things escalated and she can eat a bag of dicks. Celestia happened to agree with me in that assessment and consented to removing my name from the book of knights.”

Both of their faces turned a very bright shade of red when I mentioned Luna’s dick eating opportunities. Lyra eventually squeaked, “What was the disagreement?”

“Something I don’t really want to talk about. It’s private.”

“Hm… That seems convenient,” Bon-Bon remarked, trying to get over her blush. “Your wanderlust coinciding with leaving the knighthood.”

“It is. I’ve been planning this trip for a year now. This is a great going away present.”

“And that’s all it is?” she asked. “Just convenient? Not an excuse?”

“First, yes, that’s all it is. Second, Bonnie, you have no place in politics. Stop prying. This is a problem that I’ve given Luna a solution to. She’s almost definitely not going to take it, so that’ll be the end of that.”

“Forgive a friend for trying to help,” she muttered, looking away.

I sighed. “Sorry. I forgot what having friends is like. I’m used to people politicking around me. Too much time in Canterlot and with the princesses. This isn’t a problem that a friend can really help with, though. I have found that those who walk with giants tend to get crushed. And oftentimes, the giants don’t even notice. I figure a little time away might soothe some anger.”

“If you’re sure…” Bonnie sighed.

“Trust me, this is for the best. For a number of reasons.” We were all silent for a few seconds before I said, “So what’s been going on with you two, aside from the adopting thing?”

“Just getting used to married life,” Lyra answered, shrugging.

“Though we were already pretty well used to that,” Bon-Bon added with a smile. “Still, adding kids to the mix has been fun. Even if they haven’t quite opened up yet.”

“Give ‘em time, like I said. And after what they’ve possibly been through, don’t expect to be seeing much of one without the others. Tragedy has a way of bringing people together in the most amazing ways.” And of course, it can also drive them apart, but that isn’t something they needed to hear.

“Well, we’ll definitely remember your advice when we’re dealing with them,” Bonnie said. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to thank you enough for all you’ve done for us…”

“Which isn’t really all that much, honestly. I’m just happy to help.”

“And if you ever need anything that either of us can help you with, be sure to ask,” Bon-Bon said. From Lyra’s somewhat lascivious smile and glances down at my hands, I could assume what manner of crisis she would want to help me with. I knew she wouldn’t do anything without her wife’s or my permission, though.

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind,” I answered.

Perhaps sensing an end to the conversation, Lyra tore her eyes away from my hands and looked to the window. “Bonnie, we should probably get them out of the pool and on the way home before dark.”

She nodded. “We should. Where’s the pool, Nav?”

“The cellar door is in the kitchen. Just head down the stairs. You can’t miss it. I’ll be down in a minute or two with towels.”

And so that day went.

When you work with someone, there’s only so much you can do to avoid them. Even if your workplace is a theoretically infinite expansion of blackness with the occasional bubble of light to break up the void.

So there I was, trying to access more commands in the dreamworld, when I heard a throat clear behind me. There are supposed to be exactly two people able to get into the world of dreams, so it was no surprise to me to turn and find Luna hovering there. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I turned my head and stepped to the first dream I saw.

I knew she was going to follow me, so I hopped into the peaceful dream without looking and didn’t stop long enough to see what it was about before going out the other side and finding a new dream. Imagine my surprise when she was actually waiting inside the next dream I entered.

Yeah, fuck that. Without even waiting for a look of recognition in her eyes, I broke out of that dream and sprinted away, dreams zooming past me like memories of a blackout drunk night. Honestly, I wasn’t that surprised to find her waiting at the end of my journey. Without even stopping for a breather, I summoned a knife, jammed it into the side of her head, and immediately left the land of the dreams for my own mind.

“Keep her out,” I ordered, sinking back down.

“You aren’t even going to let her talk?” Flo asked. “Not going to let her explain?”

“No, I’m not. She burned through all of her chances. I’m done. The only time I will deal with her is when I have to. I will find a way to stay awake until spring if she won’t leave me alone. If I knew how she followed me like that, I could probably work to avoid her…”

“Good. It is absolutely about time that you decided to cut her off. I do believe she wanted to kill me and I don’t want to risk Celestia not having succeeded in convincing her to leave me be. And of course, after all the many things she’s done to you, it truly is about time that you gave up on her completely.”

“It’s good that you support me. I’m sure few others will. Honestly, I’m surprised Celestia was so quick to get on my side.”

I think Flo would have replied, but she stiffened before looking up. “She left you a message.”

Sighing, I looked up. Her message was relatively predictable. “I’m sorry.”

I replied with, “Yes, you are.”

Neither of us saw any other sign of Luna that night.

The next event of that stretch of time was the visit of a certain grey mare. When I opened the door—I have a maid, why doesn’t she ever answer the damn door?—Octavia smiled nervously, rubbing at the back of her head with a hoof. “Um, hello, Sir Navarone. I’m not… interrupting anything, am I?”

“Not at all, though it’s not ‘sir’ anymore. Come on in.”

“Oh, I don’t plan on staying long,” she hastily said, though that didn’t stop her from stepping inside anyway.“And what do you mean, not sir anymore? You are a knight, aren’t you?”

“Nope. Anyway, how can I help you today, Octavia?” At this point, we were both sitting in my living room.

“Hm. I came by to… apologize. I want to blame the wine for my behavior and my… Well, my obliviousness. I should have realized that something more was awry and left you alone. I shouldn’t have… exacerbated the problem. Celestia, I can just imagine how you were feeling, trying to talk to me while that was happening… How did you stand it?”

“By not paying attention, no offense. I remember little of that conversation.”

“None taken! If I had known that I was competing with Princess Luna for your attention, I wouldn’t have tried. Speaking of… is that why you’re no longer Sir Navarone? Is it now perhaps… Prince Navarone?”

“No. God no. The only reason I let Luna get anywhere near my dick is because she was pretending to be Celestia before she put knees to the floor. I really wish you had told me it was Luna down there.”

“Well, I was somewhat preoccupied with getting away from the embarrassment at the time, I confess. And with the alcohol clouding my senses, I wasn’t making very good decisions.”

“Like trying to suck me off in the middle of a really fancy party?”

She blushed, looking away. “Y-yes. The alcohol was an excuse to hide my behavior behind, though. I just wanted to try to repay you somehow for all that you’ve done for me and the other musicians.”

“As I’ve told others, I don’t need to be repaid for kindness. You of all people don’t need to be turning tricks to try to pay anyone back, either. You have a career and presumably a reputation to worry about.”

“I… don’t understand. Is that some sort of problem where you’re from?”

“Yes. It’s also illegal, I do believe. At the very least, it’s illegal to ask for sex in repayment. It isn’t here?”

“Well, no. Uncommon, yes. And if there was anypony that knew I did it, I might risk being taken advantage of. But I don’t think it would ruin my reputation. Not that you would ever tell, I don’t believe. It was supposed to be a little secret.”

“Well, you were beaten to the punch, I’m sad to say. And I must say, it was definitely an… interesting experience.”

“I’ll say… Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to repay you? I feel strange, having no way to help you.”

“Consider it a donation to the arts. I like music and I like helping people. The way I figure, helping people make music is a double win to me. Though I wouldn’t mind making a bit of music right now, if you aren’t in a hurry.”

“I’m afraid I am, sadly. After what happened at the party, I was quite certain you would be upset with me, and made sure to make plans that would require me to leave quickly if things… deteriorated. Even if I am pleasantly surprised that you aren’t upset, I still can’t avoid doing what I had planned. Truth be told, I’m lucky I was even able to meet with you, with the Soiree coming up. I managed to find an airship going that way in a few weeks. The captain offered me a spot for a reasonable price and I would have been a fool to say no. Normally I would have left by now.”

“It’s certainly good to know I’ll see you there, then. Will Vinyl be there, too?”

“She’s supposed to be, though I don’t know how she’ll get there. That mare always finds ways to surprise me.” Well, at least I’ll have two friends there with me on my last days in Equestria.

“Then I guess I’ll see you both there, if not before.”

“I look forward to it, Nav.”

Another day gone by…

The day Ames got back was a day of much quiet relief for me. Truth be told, I hadn’t realized just how much I had come to depend on his quiet and steady demeanor. In a way, he was almost like I used to be, though he was considerably more violent.

“How was your time back at the clan?” I asked when he slithered back into my home.

“Illuminating, for a number of reasons. I was beginning to forget the meaning of honor around you. They reminded me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. But I’m sure we’ll knock that silly concept out of your head sooner or later.”

He snorted. “I certainly hope not. There is little else for one such as I to hold on to. Honor gives us purpose and keeps us fighting. If not for honor or money to help the clan, why else would a naga fight? Why else would we live?”

“Duty.”

“Duty and honor go hand in hand, Cain. My duty is to be honorable, for if I misrepresent my clan, I risk damaging our reputation. Or the reputation of all naga everywhere. You are lucky in that you need not fear other humans harming your reputation, or fear harming theirs. How does it feel to be the sole being in charge of your reputation?”

“Pretty good, until I fuck up. There’s a reason everyone thinks I’m a slut.”

“Is it because you’re a slut that sleeps with any female you can find?”

“Exactly. Thankfully, that’s not really looked down upon in this world.”

“But it very highly damages your chances to find a mate, does it not?”

“Yeah, but I’m not really looking. I already have someone in mind, if things go well when I get to Europe.”

“That is… good to hear, I suppose. Though you would likely be better off with a naga than a mare.”

“Maybe. But it isn’t a mare that I have in mind. You might meet her, if she shows up.”

“Why do I have the feeling that you would not be depressed if she didn’t show up?”

“Probably because you have a low opinion of me,” I answered with a shrug. “So anyway, how was your trip home?”

“It was… nice. Seeing my partner and hatchlings again brought peace to my mind. It is strange, how much you come to miss someone without even realizing it.”

“Trust me, I know all about that.” Minus the not realizing it part. “At least you were able to see them before you left.”

“Indeed. I trust things have been well here? Were there more attempts on your life?”

“Not directly. Luna went crazy and damn near ruined everything, but I got out of it. Celestia stopped being completely useless, thankfully.”

“I trust you finally killed that dark blue devil? With as much trouble as she has given you, she deserves no less.”

“Sadly, no. I can’t just up and kill the princess.” At least, not in the real world. In dream land, all bets are off.

“A shame.”

“However, if she shows up here, I’m not going to stay my hand. If I see her, it will be attack and kill on sight. No more second chances.”

He nodded, smiling and showing off his sharp teeth. “I am happy to hear that. I assume the same rule goes for me?”

“Yep. Don’t permanently harm her guards, if you see any of them. Challenge them and tell me they’re here before doing anything.”

“Very well. What of Celestia’s guards?”

“They’re welcome, for now. But be wary, as always.”

“So be it. Now tell me, have you been keeping in practice with your sword? I believe it’s time to break the dust off our practice blades…”

I gained several new bruises that day…

Have you ever pushed, say, a cute little rabbit to the brink? Pissed it off, maybe? Jerked its chain so much that it finally lashed back? Rabbits are cute and cuddly looking when they’re passive. And shit, they’re funny as hell when scared, since they make a horrifyingly loud noise and run away.

But when angry, when pushed too far, even the cutest of rabbits—or ponies, in this case—become very deadly.

That goes double if the subject in question isn’t cute at all and already had a history of violence against me.

Now, I wasn’t expecting anything all too bad when I opened the door to greet little Miss Twilight. No, not expecting that at all. I should have known better.

Very little time passed before I realized the mistake I had made, though. Twilight was glaring very hard at the door and then me. Her horn was glowing and a very unhappy looking Spike was hanging there listlessly. Oh boy.

“How can I he—” I tried starting with.

Twilight was having none of that. “WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?!” she screamed at me, one of her hooves stamping on the ground.

It was at that moment that I very desperately wished I was wearing my ring or had it on me at all. “What do you mean?” I slowly asked, trying to figure out how long my door would last if I had to slam it.

“She’s crazy!” Spike had time to shout before his mouth was gagged with magic.

“You know full well!” Twilight yelled. “Spike isn’t going anywhere with you!”

“…Why don’t you come in? We can talk this over like adults instead of children. And put Spike down.”

“No! Every time you talk, you get your way! Not this time, Nav. Spike isn’t going with you and that’s final!”

“Maybe the reason I get my way is because I make sense and use logic to get my points across. Think, Twilight. If you force Spike to stay here, how happy do you think he’d be? Do you really think he would ever forgive you?”

“It’s for the best! I know what’s best for him, Navarone. Me, not you.”

“You don’t even know what to feed him! Look at him, Twilight! Truly look at him. Since I started feeding him meat and making sure he got gems from the mine I own, he has doubled in size. His claws are sharper and they shine. His scales picked up a luster they never had before. Christ, woman, you were killing him from malnourishment! I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts sprouting wings, soon.”

“That can’t be…” She turned to look at Spike. And I mean really look at him, probably the first time in a long time she’s actually paid attention to his appearance. Her ears drooped at what she saw before she jerked her head back to face me, her glare returning. “Anything could have caused that!”

I crossed my arms. “Twilight Sparkle, you’re smarter than that. Yes, theoretically, any number of things could have caused it. Why don’t you ask Spike, hm?” She nervously looked back at him. “Or are you perhaps afraid of what he’d say?”

That seemed to do it. She removed his gag. “Tell him, Spike!” she ordered.

“Tell him what?” he spit. “That he’s right? That he’s done more to help me find out who I am than you ever did? Twilight, he introduced me to a dragon! A big, huge one! Older than even Celestia and Luna. And Nav is right. If I kept eating grass and flowers, I would have either died or stayed tiny all my life. Reginald thinks the damage is reversible, but I can’t eat any more of that green stuff.”

“B-but…” she whimpered.

“There are some things that can’t be learned in books,” I said, gently rubbing Twilight’s head. “There are no books about dragons in Equestria. You couldn’t have known without talking to one. And you ruined all three chances you had to do so. I didn’t. But honestly, why do I have the feeling that this isn’t just about me taking Spike?”

Her lower lip quivered, but she slowly shook her head, trying to deny it. “No, that’s not—”

“You’re afraid of being alone, aren’t you?” She flinched as if slapped. “First I left you and now Spike’s leaving you. You’re separated from your family, your older brother got married, and now your little brother is leaving the nest. And you’re afraid of that.”

Her magic suddenly gave out, dropping Spike to the ground. Twilight joined him there a moment later, sobbing. “I d-don’t know what to do!”

I did, but it wasn’t my place to do it. Spike caught my gaze and I nodded down to the crying Twilight. He shrugged. My eyes narrowed and he sighed, walking over and hugging her. “Twilight, you’ll always be my big sister… But I have to go. My place isn’t with the ponies. I can’t stay cooped up here in this small town. I’m already outgrowing it! If I go with Nav, I might be able to find a place I belong, where I can fit in. And who knows? Maybe I can find somepo—one for me. Maybe even another dragon! I have to go, Twilight.”

“Everypony’s leaving me,” Twilight whispered. “First Nav. Then Rarity started spending more time in Canterlot than here. Rainbow Dash is talking about how Spitfire promised her a spot in spring. Now Spike, my number one assistant… It’s not fair!”

What’s the common theme in all of those? Maybe it’s… you? Thankfully, I’m smart enough to not say that. Either Spike didn’t think about it or he was smart enough to not say it as well.

“There are plenty of ponies here,” I said to fill in the silence. “Plenty of friends to be made and ponies to spend time with. People drift apart and change, Twilight. It happens to all groups of friends at some point. Stay in touch if you can, adapt if you can’t. Spike can always send letters to Celestia, so you can use her to keep in touch with him. I’m sure she’ll be willing to help you two without any questions.” And hell, it’s not like you can stop me from taking him.

“…I’ll write to you every day,” Twilight said, finally looking up at Spike. “And you better respond! I’ll find you both if you don’t!”

Spike smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind, Twilight.”

All things told, I think that could have ended worse.

The day I went to Canterlot to pick up my new armor is probably one that I will never forget. Not for the armor itself, though I admit that it was pretty important. No, this day was important. Arguably one of the most important days I’ve had in Equestria.

And it made me even more relieved that I was leaving soon.

It started as a normal day. Wake up, contemplate killing myself, get out of bed, shower, get dressed. All that fun stuff. Knowing that the armor was supposed to be done that day, I made sure my schedule was clear. Not that it was really hard, given I hadn’t been to town in over a week and most of the ponies there didn’t seem to miss me. I was tempted to lay down odds with Bon-Bon the day I left to see how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone, but I figured that would be in poor taste.

With Taya learning from Twilight, the naga teaching Spike, and Doppel ‘exploring’ the area with Poly, the house was empty. “Time for me to go,” I said to myself around noon, when I was almost positive Luna would be asleep and Celestia would be too busy to make time to see me. After making sure I had my knife and my ring, I walked on out, locking the door behind me.

As soon as I got outside, I took to the air, soaring toward the distant mountains where Canterlot rested. It was still a cold day, but this time, the air was clear, with no clouds or snow to fuck me over.

Like always, the direct flight there was much faster than the slow train ride around the winding mountain tracks would have been. I was not at all looking forward to having to ride the train back, but unless I felt like talking to Celestia and politely asking her to lighten the armor, I wouldn’t be able to fly back.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering—not that you’re reading this (you fucking piece of shit)—how is armor that cuts my mobility in half useful at all? Well you see, I was planning on asking Celestia to lighten it later. A going away present, perhaps. I just didn’t want to ask her in Canterlot and risk running into Luna. Better to wait until we were both at the Europe party to ask, I figured. I’d look around for unicorns able to cast it before we left, though, just in case Celestia decided to be a cunt.

So I landed in front of the castle and walked on up to the entrance. Before I could get into the main doors, the guards in front of me slammed their spears together, blocking me from entering. “Visiting hours are over, citizen,” the one on the left said.

“…What?”

“Unless you have royal business, you may not enter,” the right one added.

I blinked a few times, totally caught off guard by that. “Seriously? I have business in there.”

They both grinned darkly. “Papers?” the left one asked. “Anypony with royal business is given identification papers to prove it.”

“And of course, knights, guards, and servants may enter freely,” the other one said. You bastard.

Before I could get violent with those two bastards, we heard a throat clear behind me. “Navarone is with me, gentlecolts,” Fancy Pants calmly announced, stepping up to my side. “We have business inside.”

Their spears immediately uncrossed. “Yes sir,” they both answered, though they seemed rather reluctant to do so.

“Well then, shall we?” Fancy Pants asked, stepping up to my side. I shrugged and led the way into the grand entrance hall of the palace.

“Hardasses,” I grumbled when we were inside. “They know full well who I am.”

“Precisely,” Fancy said. “The one who embarrassed them and their commanding officer once in a faux assassination, again when you protected Cadance from assassination twice, and most recently in the war games. Yes, the guards know you very well, Navarone.”

“Ungrateful bastards, then. Think they’d be happier if I just let Cadance die?”

“Now, now, there’s no reason to be like that. Besides, if you had stayed a knight, this wouldn’t even be an issue.”

“Bah. Thanks for getting me in, Fancy. I’ll let you get to whatever you were doing. I have business in the armory.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll accompany you,” he answered. “I’m early and this will give me something to do.”

“I won’t stop you, but I also won’t promise you’ll have any fun.”

“Well, I wanted to talk anyway. First, another warning about my wife. While she was… amused with the princess, she hasn’t quite gotten over her desire to try you out, as it were. But sadly, it seems that she has been listening to Rarity’s silliness, that business with the mangos or whatever they’re called. I heard Fleur talking about getting you into a ‘yowee shota’ scenario, whatever that means.”

“It means that she wants to watch me fuck a little colt.” Or be fucked by an older stallion, I guess.

Fancy Pants turned his head my way sharply, disgust in his eyes. After a few seconds of walking in silence, he looked back. “I assume you’re joking.” I wasn’t. “Either way, I don’t think you’re interested in it.”

“Trust me, I’ve been staying well away from your wife. I don’t see why you can’t just forbid her from hunting after me. I do promise this, though: If I catch her snooping around my house, I’m going to give her to my changeling that feeds off lust and keep her locked up for a full day before letting her go.”

“Understood. And I don’t forbid her from doing anything like that because I’m an old man and frankly, it amuses me to see her thinking she gets away with it. Marry for love, Navarone. It will be better for you in the long run.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I drily answered. “You said that was the first thing. What else did you want to talk about?”

“Your rather abrupt removal from the roster of knights. It was quiet and there was nothing in the news about it, so it must have been something the princesses don’t want getting out. What happened, Navarone?”

“Eh, Luna went crazy. You know, the usual. I finally had enough and told Celestia I was done. She offered to let me either become her knight instead or become an umbral knight. I told her I’d think about it.”

“An umbral knight?! And you told her you’d think about it?! Navarone, that’s an honor you can’t refuse!”

“Watch me. Oh yeah, being a knight has its uses, don’t get me wrong. But taking orders? Fuck that shit. I’d rather give them.”

“Navarone, that’s what an umbral knight does. Every order you are given is a suggestion, but every order you give will be followed out. Of course, the orders have to be justifiably beneficial to Equestria. And being the first of another species to ever be an umbral knight would be… Navarone, how could you refuse?”

“I didn’t. I told her I would think about it.”

“Then I suggest you think quickly. An offer like that can’t last long. There hasn’t been an umbral knight in over a hundred years!”

“I can imagine why. The kind of trust it would take for someone to earn that position is insane.”

“Indeed. Honestly, I’m somewhat surprised the princesses would trust anypony at all with that much power. Let alone somepony so different.”

“I’ve proven my worth, I suppose. Though yes, it seems odd that she would entrust me with the power to countermand her own orders. Bitch is crazy, I guess.”

He sighed, shaking his head. “Navarone, you really shouldn’t refer to the princess in such a manner, especially not in the seat of her power when all of her guards are out in force. Such things tend to be bad for your health.”

Right as he finished talking, a knife appeared in my hand, pulled from where it had been tucked into a sleeve. “Let them try something. It would end poorly for them, I assure you.” I put the little knife back up and shrugged. “But avoiding a fight is usually better. We’re at the armory now anyway, though.”

“So we are. What business do you have here?” he asked as we stepped inside.

“I need new armor. If I’m not Luna’s knight, I won’t be wearing her symbols.”

“What of your Defender of Harmony armor? It’s perfectly functional and even owning it is a great honor.”

“It’s ugly as hell. If I have the money, I’m going to get something worth wearing.”

“And you did,” the blacksmith fellow said, appearing from an open door leading to the back rooms. “Your armor is done, sir.”

“Not sir anymore, mate,” I said. “Where’s the armor?”

“If you’re a client and you were born with meat between your legs, you’re sir to me. And right this way, sir,” he said, backing into the room he had emerged from.

I shrugged and followed him back. For whatever reason—boredom, probably—Fancy Pants followed me. When we got through the door, we beheld a mannequin fit to my body covered in some rather sturdy looking plate.

“Raw steel. No decorations. No fineries. No gold.” Hell, the armorer almost sounded offended by my lack of style. “Extremely protective, with the light flutes helping against bending. Heavy. Holes for your wings that you can screw into place. This armor won’t let you down, sir.”

“And I also said no insignias,” I commented, looking at the blood-red handprints on the pauldrons. They were the only color on the otherwise dull black armor.

“It seemed fitting. They can be removed, if you want.”

After thinking about it for a few seconds, I shook my head. “Leave ‘em.” The way I figure, disguising me and my ship as a band of mercenaries would be easier, the more threatening I looked. Those marks definitely looked pretty horrifying. “How much does it weigh, all together?”

“About seventeen kilograms. Heavy, but not unbearable. The knight armor I made for you was fifteen before the magic.”

“And I’m a lot stronger than I was back then. Let’s try it on, see how well it fits.”

The armorer’s horn lit up and the armor began coming apart, pulling away from the mannequin. “It should fit just fine, with the measurements I took,” he said. “But it’s always better to check. I assume by this point you know how to put this stuff on?”

“Assuming it’s built like the other set, yeah.” I pulled the dagger off my belt and removed my jacket and shoes. “Let’s see here…” As the armorer pulled it down, I put it on. Fancy Pants helped me with a few of the harder to find straps. Soon enough, I was fully covered in its cool metallic embrace.

The armorer nodded. “Open faced helmet, full visibility. Just watch your face, since you don’t have any protection there.”

“I think I’d watch my face even with protection there,” I replied, flexing my arms in the heavy armor. “Not too constricting. I wouldn’t want to run a marathon in it and I certainly wouldn’t trust flying in it for long distances, but it’s not as bad as I was expecting.”

“Exercise helps,” Fancy said. “When I received my first set, I could barely walk. Now, it’s more like a second skin, though I admit I rarely wear it any longer.”

“Aye, he’s right. The guards here, they don’t mind their armor at all. But it’s made of light metals and is less protective. They also have more legs to distribute weight over. Still, you look fine enough.”

“Excellent. No hook to hang the helmet this time, but this armor is functional only anyway. If I’m wearing it, I’ll be expecting a fight.”

“As you should, with how… dull this set is. I can’t believe you didn’t let me do anything with it.”

“I don’t want to look like a spruced up noble playing at war. I want to look like a soldier that knows what he’s doing. Nobles are targets. Soldiers get avoided, especially if they look like they’re experts.”

“Feh. Take your plain armor, then. You need anything else?”

“Not that I can think of. Thanks for doing this, man.”

“It was partially a pleasure. Don’t expect it to save you from everything, though.”

“I hardly do. But I’ll feel better with it on than not having it at all.”

“Understandable. If you need me or my services for anything else, you’ll know where to find me. You too, Sir Fancy Pants.”

I grabbed my shoes and my jacket as Fancy and I departed the armory. “That is definitely an interesting set of armor,” he commented as we walked aimlessly down the halls. “I suspected you wouldn’t care for black armor at this point, since the idea was to have nothing tying you to Princess Luna.”

“The color has nothing to do with her, I assure you. I’d rather not be a shining beacon in the day, if I ever have to fight in the open. The flashing might disorient my enemies, but it could also hurt me or my friends. Better to reduce the risk, don’t you think?”

“True. How thick is that stuff?”

“Very. He wasn’t joking when he said it was heavy and protective. Oh, it’s possible to break through it, but most people would sooner break their weapons.”

“That must be comforting.”

“Very. I just wish I could move faster in it.”

“Oil the joints. Work out more. No offense, but do you even lift?”

“Not really. I do other exercises, though.”

“With as skinny as you seem, I expected as much. You seemed awfully… frail compared to the other human soldiers we met.” Frail probably wasn’t what he was about to say there. Small or short, likely.

“You’d be hard pressed to find a human that can do much in this shit. It’s fucking heavy. Add in the sword, my ranged weapon, and any supplies I’d be carrying, and it’s going to be hard to walk.”

“You could just ask the princess to help lighten it.”

“I’m planning on it the next time I see her, probably in a few weeks.”

“A few weeks? Nav, we’re on our way to see her now.” It was at that point that I started paying attention to where we had been walking. The twisting and winding path we had been following was leading straight to a large assembly hall.

“Correction: You are. I’m watching for the next hallway leading to the main entrance. I’ve no real desire to see Celestia today. Especially not at any kind of big gathering.”

“You see, the problem with that logic is that visiting hours are still not in. If you leave my side and get questioned by a guard, you’ll likely end up in jail for trespassing.”

“That’s some bullshit and you know it.”

“Oh, I do. But I am no longer early, so I can’t afford the time to escort you out. Besides, I believe Princess Celestia wanted you at this event anyway.”

“Then why didn’t she tell me?”

He smiled. “She knew you would tell her no. But it was planned for a day she knew you have business in the palace and asked for somepony to make sure you attended, if we could.”

“You bastard!”

“I’m merely doing my duty. Forgive me if it impedes you for a few short moments.”

“And forgive me if I sneak out the back way. No one ever watches the gates to the statue garden. I can easily get out that way and catch the first train home.”

Oh, I hated that little chuckle. “You’re welcome to try, but I guarantee that you won’t get far. Remember, the day guards don’t quite like you. And at this point, they probably all know that you’re here and that you’re supposed to be with me. If you get seen at all—and in that clunking, noisy armor, you will—it’s jail time.”

“Fancy, I thought we were cool. Where the hell did this bullshit come from?”

“As I said, I am merely doing my duty. And I did help you get inside. The least you could do is help me by showing up.”

“Fucking fine. But I do not like being tricked, Fancy.”

“I’ve yet to find anypony that does, Nav.” The rest of our walk was in silence, at least from talking. The clatter my armor and his hooves were making against the tile floor was plenty enough noise for the both of us.

When we got to the large hall, we found that we were not the first ones there. A large number of news ponies were around. A few guards lined the walls and servants danced their way through the crowd, offering drinks and other things of that nature. I saw Shining Armor and Cadance near the front of the crowd, but they didn’t notice me.

Fancy Pants started walking further in, but I grabbed him by his coat. “I got a bad feeling about this,” I quietly said, looking around. “Celestia wants me here, you said. What’s happening?”

“Oh, I haven’t the slightest. Would you care to meet some more of her majesty’s knights? It would do you well to know them when you become an umbral knight.”

“If. And no thank you. I’d like to stay here near the doors.”

He turned to fully face me, his eyes going to my face. One of his eyebrows lifted at what he saw. “You’re truly worried about this, aren’t you?” he asked.

“Yes. I think I know what’s going on and I have a bad, bad feeling about it. Look, do you know teleportation?”

“I can move a few hundred meters, yes.”

“If I ask you to take me away from this place, can you do that for me? As a friend? I really don’t think I’m going to like what’s about to happen.”

He studied my face for a few more seconds before nodding. “Very well. It will make quite a noticeable scene, though.”

“I’ll be gone, so I won’t care.”

He snorted, turning back to face the crowd. “So selfless,” he gruffly muttered.

“Aren’t I just?” I sardonically answered.

We didn’t have long to wait, sadly. Though I suppose waiting would just make it worse, increasing the very justified feelings of unease I had. Justified, because when the wait ended, there was more than one alicorn on the stage. Celestia and Luna stood side by side before us all. Luna looked tired and her mane was its standard light blue it normally was during the day. Celestia looked like her typical regal self.

There was only a single reason Celestia would want me there for a public address that both sisters were attending. A single reason that I gave her. A reason that was never supposed to come into fruition.

As Celestia began welcoming everyone, I turned to Fancy. “Now would be a very good time to teleport me away,” I whispered.

He half-turned his head my way. “It hasn’t even started yet, Nav.”

“But I have a feeling I know what’s going to happen.”

“Give it time. She just started talking.” He turned back to face her and I knew he wouldn’t hear of me leaving again for some time. So I turned an ear to the door that was close to us. Any fucker shows up late, I’ll just let myself out. Tell the bastard guards I’m taking a breather.

Unfortunately, it was hard not to pay attention to Celestia. “The grim nature of this announcement will shock everypony,” she was saying. “But it must be said. Luna?”

Fuck me. They don’t waste any time, do they?

I poked Fancy again and leaned down. “Now would be great. I know what she’s going to say and I don’t want to hear it,” I whispered.

“Stop being so paranoid,” was his answer. Bastard.

Of course, Luna didn’t waste time either. After all, why prolong the suffering?

“As everypony knows, I was on the moon for several long, lonely years. Long enough to… cause problems. Celestia and I have both come to the conclusion that until those problems are dealt with, it is best that I step down from any semblance of power.” There was some murmuring in the crowd, but she didn’t stop to address it. “I will still offer advice if needed, but times have changed. Things that were once accepted are now taboo. Things once taboo are now accepted. I learned some of what is accepted and some of what is not already, but… I learned through the hard way.”

There was silence in the hall for a few moments. Eventually, Luna’s eyes found mine. My head shook, a vain attempt to get her to stop while she was ahead. To get her not to condemn herself. To hopefully make her see sense.

As ever, she was immune to it. A small chuckle emanated from her before she continued. “I say the ‘hard way’ like it means so little. Royalty is not perfect, my little ponies. My crimes are many. I have attempted to murder someone because I did not understand him. I attempted to hit that same person with a love poison when I thought I did understand him. I almost killed him two more times, though both were accidental. Later, I raped him and took joy in his pain, thinking he would consider it a privilege to provide pleasure to a princess. When he forgave me, the process repeated itself and I mind raped him. Even later, when I was angry with him, I abused my powers over dreams and broadcast his habits across the nation.” Ponies were starting to freak out, at this point. I was getting more and more worried and I could feel my hand scrabbling around the doors for a handle. “And just recently, at the party I hosted, I almost tricked him into getting raped again.”

Everyone but Celestia was staring at her in complete shock. If not for my almost frenzied attempts to flee, you could hear a ninja fart.

“All of this, done to one person. One man.” Her eyes met mine again. “Navarone, will you ever forgive me?”

It was at that point that I finally found the door handle. I ripped the damn thing open and bolted out, slamming it shut behind me. Down the halls I sprinted, no real destination in mind. There was nothing in my mind but the thought of escape.

I didn’t want to see the looks on those faces. The ‘Oh I’m so sorry’ looks of sympathy. And I didn’t want to see Luna’s face, heartbroken and close to tears, or Celestia’s, grim but accepting.

God help me, but I don’t think I could have said a word in there if I had tried.

When I realized how fucking heavy the armor actually was, I stopped running, instead moving at a walk. I knew at that point that I needed to get out of the damn palace quickly before I got surrounded by reporters. Or worse, friends. Cadance and Shining Armor had been in that crowd. There would be no helping me if they caught me before I could get home.

“Running might not have been the best choice,” Flo eventually said.

“Then you should have said so before I fucking did it.”

“No, no. I understand perfectly why you did it. I don’t blame you, either. But walking out would have made a much better point.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I thought you meant I should have answered her.”

A new voice said, “You should have.” I looked over to the adjoining hall to see Celestia standing there.

“Flo disagrees,” I answered, tapping my helmeted head.

Her eyes narrowed at the mention of my internal guest. “Your machine is wrong, then. I recall you saying you would forgive her if she did what she just did.”

Flo huffed. “Tell her that her memory is fading with old age. You said you would consider forgiving her.”

“Your memory’s fading with old age, Celestia. I didn’t say I would forgive her. I said that I would consider forgiving her. So now I’m considering it. Now, would you kindly show me to the nearest exit?”

“I’m fairly certain that no matter where you go, news reporters will be waiting for you. My little sister just admitted to committing some very heinous crimes, all towards you. This is big news.”

“And I’m sure she’s going to go to prison for a long time because of them. After all, that’s what happens to those that break the law.” She didn’t answer. “I don’t suppose you can make this armor light, can you? It’s awfully heavy.” Her horn lit up as she fixed my problem without a word. “Thank you. Now I can fly back without having to worry about damn reporters.”

“You’re breaking us, Navarone,” she suddenly said. “Me and Luna both. Oh, she very much deserves what will happen next, don’t get me wrong. But you could forgive her. It would mean so much to her…”

“You know what would mean so much to me, Celestia? None of this ever having happened in the first place. Luna has escaped consequences for her actions for five years now. There’s no escaping this. Oh, I can’t lie: It’ll hurt to watch, in a way. But in another way, you can’t understand how good it feels to have this out in the open now, to have everyone know what that monster has done to me. Forgiving her would make it hurt less. It would make her sacrifice feel worthwhile. So no. I think I’ll let her stew before I decide. Maybe it’ll do her good to know how I feel every time I wake up.”

“Maybe. But remember that this isn’t the only time she’s gone through being a social pariah. Everypony knew her as Nightmare Moon when she returned.”

“And no one knew who that was or what she had done. Historically, sure. But reputations can be fixed when the event that happened was so far in the past. None of the common ponies were alive to see what she did, so it wasn’t hard for her to change their minds. Now this happens. Everyone knows. Everyone was around when it happened. Everyone remembers the dreams. It will take her hundreds of years to recover from this. And do you remember her opening line? Royalty isn’t perfect? She’s taking you down with her, Celestia. Remember Fleur. People know you’re fallible. And now Luna admits to so many crimes, starting off with that line. How long do you think the people will be behind you, Celestia? Do you ever wonder if they look to their northern neighbor and see how the griffins are doing with their lovely little republic?”

“I raise the sun for them! They will not betray me so easily.”

“You don’t do jack shit. So you can move the planet. Ask any dragon how the world moved before you were around and guess what he would answer?”

“The monster that ruled before I did could also move the sun.”

“Maybe. But if people start thinking you’re going bad, how long do you think they’ll let that excuse stop them from booting you?”

“It won’t happen,” she firmly answered.

“So you say. For now. I’m going to go find a window to hop out of. It’s time for me to go home, I do believe.”

“Yes. Yes it is. I may come visit you later, Navarone. We have things to discuss, things from our last meeting.”

“If you say so. Have fun dealing with this fallout.” And so began the long journey home.

Of course, that couldn’t be the end of it. Oh no, not with my fucking luck. God, I hate these damn midget horses.

My first visitors, not even two hours after I got home, were Shining Armor and Cadance. There were a few guards behind them, but I didn’t have time to look closer before I got fucking piledrived in a hug. Cadance has practice doing that to me, thankfully, so I didn’t end up on the floor.

“Christ, are you in heat again already?” I sighed, patting her on the back of the neck. “I already told you, no threesomes!”

“We heard what happened, what Luna did to you!” she answered, rubbing my back with her hooves.

“And?”

That stumped her. She didn’t let me go, but Shiny started talking. “I told you that he would be fine, dear. Now, Navarone, I need to know if her confession is true.”

“Yep. Now can you let go of me?”

Shining Armor’s horn lit up and some magic pried Cadance away from me. “That’s all I needed to hear, Navarone,” he answered. “Though I need to know, why didn’t you come forward?”

“And watch as nothing happens? There’s no justice here for me. Good luck meting out any to her.”

“By her own admission, Luna is guilty. She admitted this in front of a crowd full of reporters. This news will spread, Nav. There’s no way she could possibly escape judgment for this.”

I snorted. “Forgive me if I don’t hold my breath.”

“I understand that,” he sighed. “But maybe this time will be different.”

“It will be,” Cadance angrily said, almost in a growl. “She has at least one princess against her.” It’s cute that you think you have power.

“We’ll certainly do our best,” Shiny said, nodding. “But I also need to know if Celestia has done anything to you as well, anything you’re hiding.”

“Does sending me undercover as a pony maid in a place where I had a very high chance of getting raped by griffons count?” Cadance hugged me once again.

“Iffy, but I can’t bust her on that.”

“What about sending me to help Chrysalis commit a genocide on a colony of diamond dogs?”

“That’s on Chrysalis, not Celestia. Though it is… dark.”

“She declared me and Rarity guilty of treason because she wanted to see what would happen.”

“I heard about that! But… well, she decides what is and isn’t treason. So I suppose I can’t do anything to her with that.”

“Well, she sort of accidentally raped Rarity. Also, can you get her off me again?”

His horn lit up once again, tearing Cadance away. “How did she… accidentally rape somepony?” he asked.

“Ask Rarity for details. It isn’t my place to say.”

“…Alright. I’ll see to it that you’re kept updated on the case, then.”

I shook my head. “Don’t bother. I don’t care and I’m leaving in less than a month. Good luck with the conviction, Shiny.”

“I… I’m afraid to say I might need it. Are you certain then? You’re leaving for sure?”

“Already have plans for it, yes. I was planning on teleporting out to the party with Celestia, but then Luna pulled this move. I might leave earlier than expected. Say, if you’re going into town, can you do me a favor?”

“I can’t leave without talking to Rarity and Twilight, so by all means.”

“Ask Spike to come by. I have a question for him.”

He nodded. “Easy enough. If you leave before we see each other again… Well, good luck, Navarone. I think I might understand you better now.”

“Thinking’s overrated, Shiny,” I answered.

“You better come back, or at least visit,” Cadance said, trying her best to be threatening. “After so long… Well, I’d miss you if you just up and disappeared forever.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be back here eventually, I’m sure. Too much history to just walk away forever.” And besides, I still have to bust Flo out.

“You better be,” she replied. “I’ll come find you if you don’t!”

Shiny smiled at that. “Don’t make my wife exert herself, Nav.”

“I won’t. You two should get to town before it gets dark, though. It would suck to fly back at night.”

They both nodded. “Then we’ll see you later, Nav,” he said.

“And we’ll miss you,” Cadance added.

“I’ll miss you both as well.” I meant that to be a lie, but after I said it, I realized that it was actually true.

The next time I saw them was in a much darker, more dangerous place. But there will be a time to tell that story, and that time is not now.

My next guest was, of course, Spike. “What do you need, Nav?” he asked when I opened the door for him.

“I just got a very good reason to leave when the airship does. Do you want to leave early, or is there something holding you back?”

He shrugged. “Twilight probably wants Pinkie to throw me a party, but honestly, I don’t really want one. When’s the airship coming?”

“Two days. I’m hoping that’s soon enough. I got a powerful need to leave and I don’t know if that’ll be quickly enough.”

“What’s going on?”

“Big things. Big, ugly things. I expect the news to hit Ponyville soon. Hopefully in three or more days.”

“That’s not very specific, Nav.”

“Luna just admitted to the world that she raped and almost murdered me.”

“Oh. That sucks.”

“Yep. So if we’re leaving in two days instead of one, that means I need to talk to Bon-Bon.”

“Yeah, you—wait, Luna did what?!”

“Eh, I can tell you on the way into town. Come on, let’s get to walking.”

I grabbed the leather coat from the rack conveniently placed next to the door and walked on out, pulling the door shut behind me.

“It all began a few years ago…” I started as we walked.

When we got to Bonnie’s house, he finally said, “I’m glad we’re leaving, Nav.”

“You and me both, man. Think she’ll be pissed if we knock at this hour?”

“Well, it’s not quite dark yet,” he answered. I shrugged and knocked. “What do you need to talk to her for, anyway?”

Before I could answer, one of the kids opened the door and looked up at me. “Is your mo—Er, is Bon-Bon in?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he answered, not moving.

“…Can you ask her to come to the door?”

Without answering, he wandered off, leaving the door wide open. Spike and I shared a look and a shrug. Soon enough, Bon-Bon showed up at the door. “Oh, he made you wait in the cold? Come in, you two!”

I shook my head. “We won’t be here long. I just need to tell you that I’m leaving ahead of schedule. I need that answer in two days.”

Her ears flinched before she nodded. “We… talked about it. And sort of argued about it a little. But we decided that we’ll do it, Nav. We’ll watch your house while you’re gone, as long as you don’t kick us out immediately when you get back.”

“Fair enough. Come by tomorrow or the day after and I’ll show you how everything works and what to do if anything breaks.”

“Of course. It’ll probably just be either me or Lyra, though, not both.”

“Whoever it is can show the other. Wish I could stay longer, but I need to get Spike back home.”

She nodded. “Of course, Nav. If I don’t see you tomorrow… Well, I suppose I’ll see you whenever you get back.”

“Of course. Talk to you later, Bon-Bon.”

When we got back on the main thoroughfare, Spike said, “You don’t have to walk me back, Nav.”

“I know. I’m not going to. I just needed an excuse to leave sooner.”

“Oh. That’s pretty rude.”

“It’s not rude. I had an excuse.”

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. So two days?”

“At midnight. Be there on time so I don’t have to drag you out of bed.”

“I will. Should I tell Twilight I’m leaving sooner?”

“You can, but she might want to know why. I’d rather her think I’m leaving in two weeks so she might put off visiting me.”

“Nav, what’s with all this dark, abandoning stuff you’re doing? Why not just tell everypony that you’re leaving?”

“Because I don’t like goodbyes. I’d rather just disappear.”

“Well, I’m at least going to leave a note for all my friends. It’ll feel… softer that way.”

“Do whatever you think best. Anyway, I do need to get back before nightfall. So I’ll see you later, Spike.”

“Alright, talk to you later.”

Given that I had to take my jacket off to fly home, it was a cold flight. Almost cold enough to make me wish I had desecrated the lovely leather duster Kincaid had given me.

Flo woke me up late that night, flooding my body with something that jerked my body awake with a gasp. “Visitor,” she whispered.

My eyes slammed open and I recoiled in horror as I saw a pair of fangs and faintly glowing eyes right next to my face. “Jesus!”

My uninvited guest jumped backwards and apparently tripped over something. When I heard a rather feminine yelp of pain, I actually looked at my assailant. It was a certain captain of the night guards. “Come to give me a midnight kiss, Blossom?” I asked, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

“It’s well past midnight, Nav. And it’s actually called the vampony’s kiss, though that wasn’t why I was here. I was actually attempting to wake you up.”

“Sure you were. Well, I’m awake. Now what did you need? If you’re hungry, take your fill and let me go back to sleep.”

“I wouldn’t wake you up for that. I think you know full well why I’m here.”

“I can think of a few reasons. Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Did any of my guards help Luna with any of what she did to you?”

“…That actually wasn’t what I was expecting. Uh, there was a single guard who helped her a long time ago. He was positioned to make sure I died against some evil moth thing.”

“Do you have a name?”

“I’m afraid not. I met him later, but I don’t remember his name.”

“Did anypony else help?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“I see. Shining Armor is taking care of the case against Luna right now. I’m cleaning up house, looking around for anypony that might have known but didn’t say anything. Have you told anypony anything about what happened?”

“Celestia. She knew the entire time. And there were a number of people who found out about a few parts of it, from reading journal entries. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle.” I wasn’t about to get Fluttershy mixed up in all this. That would just break her.

Her eyes narrowed. “Elements of harmony? Why wouldn’t they say anything?”

“Loyalty to Celestia, maybe. I don’t know. Look, if you decide to question them, can you wait a few days?”

“No promises. We want to get this investigation done as quickly as possible and we need to start questioning them before they learn what happened. We won’t question them tonight, but it is likely that it will happen tomorrow.”

“I see. How long is that going to take?”

“That depends on how willing they are to cooperate. If push comes to shove, I imagine Captain Armor will rip the information from their minds. Unpleasant, especially given that one of them is his sister, but if it’s necessary, that’s what will happen.”

“Eh. Look, I’m leaving in about two days. Can you do what you can to make sure nothing comes to bother me in that time?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t think it was going to be this soon. How long are you going to be gone?”

“A long damn time. If this doesn’t blow over well, I might not come back at all. Not much left for me here.”

“A shame. You’ll definitely be missed, even if you aren’t a knight anymore. I’ll see what I can do about getting a squad on station. If Captain Armor asks, I’ll tell him they’re there to keep anypony that might be feeling vindictive out.”

“Awesome. That’ll save me from having to keep the gate down until I leave. You know, the night guards have always pulled through for me. It’s been an honor working with you guys. I think that’ll be one of the few things I’ll miss when I’m gone.”

“You won’t miss it that much. After all, Watcher’s going with you.”

“True. But I will be losing a number of good personalities. Steel and Panzer. Smiles, even if he can be annoying as hell. Quisling, though I’m bringing two other changelings. Hell, as much as you try to be mean and uptight, I’m going to miss you. I didn’t spend much time with most of the others, but I really am going to regret leaving all of it behind.”

“If you have to leave, you have to leave. If it makes you feel better, we’re all going to miss you too. We’ve never really had anypony that had a military mind like yours. It’ll be a shame to lose you.”

“Ha, I knew you’d miss me. Do I get a going away present?”

She grinned sweetly and I thought for a second I finally got her when she said, “Nope. But if you come back… Well, I might give you a welcome home present.”

“Oh, now that’s just twisted. Now I have to come back! Can I at least have a good night kiss?”

Her grin only deepened. “Would you ask the vampony for a kiss, my dear Navarone, not knowing what it would entail?”

I shrugged. “Sure. I’ve done worse.”

“Then look into my eyes!” Her wings exploded outwards and her eyes took on a strange intensity, stripping away any resistance a normal person would have and forcing me to focus solely on her. As she moved forward, I felt a growing sense of elation, a growing feeling of submissiveness. She stopped right next to my bed and leaned in, gently pressing her lips against mine and giving what felt like a tender, loving kiss.

After too little time—infinity would be too short a time, for the pleasure I felt—she pulled away from my lips and leaned in past my face, so she could whisper into my ear. “Present yourself.” Without even thinking about it, my head tilted up and away, leaving my throat bared to her. She pulled back and lovingly licked my carotid, sending goosebumps across my flesh. She chuckled at the sight, her laughter sweet music to my ears.

After taking her time to prepare me, she punctured my neck. There was no pain. In fact, as she began to slowly suckle my life fluids away, I felt an intense pleasure and satisfaction, the knowledge that I was helping my mistress of the night wiping away any feeling of wrongness or pain. It felt right and I loved it. The only part at all that I hated was when she pulled away, ending it.

“Now sleep, my succulent morsel. Sleep the night away. Your guards will be here in the morning.”

I tried to answer, but couldn’t. Her compulsion seemed to be still working, because I just lied back down and closed my eyes as she walked away, getting out however she got in.

And thus ended what was probably one of the most intimate experiences of my entire life.

A day guard squad showed up the next day and took up positions around my house. Surprisingly enough, there were no visitors except for Bon-Bon. I showed her around and how everything worked and things like that and then she was on her way.

It was a nice day that gave me plenty of time to get ready to leave.

That night, my guards were replaced by a more… familiar batch. Steel Rain and his men stood watch over my house.

And of course, they brought an even more familiar face. “What do you want, Smiles?” I tiredly asked. “I’m about to go to bed.”

“This is my last duty as a guard, sir,” he answered.

“It’s not sir anymore. And congratulations. You get a promotion to officer or something?”

“I’m resigning. A lot of the night guards are, I think.”

“Well, good luck in life. I sure hope you have a job lined up after this.”

“I kinda… don’t.”

“Hm. You should work on that. Can’t imagine there’s too much work for an ex-soldier in Equestria.”

“Yeah…”

I let the silence build up for a little while before I said, “Well, good night. Have fun on your last duty session.” With that, I started walking to the staircase, getting ready for what he was about to ask.

“Wait!” I stopped but didn’t look back. “Uh… Do… Do you have any positions for me?”

Knew that was coming. I turned back around. “What would you be looking to do?”

“Defend you! I’m good at fighting, sir!”

“I have guards aplenty and I’m not too shabby in a fight myself. My entire crew is full of battle-hardened unicorns. Try again and this time remember that you’re competing against fifteen other soldiers.”

His ears flinched and he gulped. “I can cook pretty decently.”

“So can I and at least one of the others that’s going. Would you care to try again?”

“I’m pretty good at uh… darning?”

“So is one of the others I’m bringing.” Though who taught Spike to sew, I don’t know. “One more try, for old time’s sake?”

He thought for several seconds before finally sighing and saying, “I know… how to please a stallion?” I just crossed my arms and looked down on him in disappointment. He hung his head and turned around to walk out.

“I’ll make a deal with you, Smiles.” He whirled right back around, already living up to his name. “My first stop is the party in Europe, the Stalliongrad thing. If you promise me that you’ll look for a job there doing whatever, you can ride with me on my ship. If, by the time we leave, you haven’t found a job, I’ll take you with me. But if I find out that you weren’t looking, I’ll leave your ass there. Alright?”

His smile was wide enough to drive a cock through. “Yes sir!”

I quickly held up a hand. “I have a few conditions. The first one is that you need to look in Stalliongrad, which I already said. The second is that I am not gay. Do not push me, Smiles. Flirt with the others if you want, but I am not gay. Okay?”

He sighed, but said, “Yes sir…”

“Alright. If I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to let you know. We’re leaving tomorrow night, midnight. If you’re not here by the time we leave, you’re getting left behind. Bring a personal kitbag if you want. There are plenty of rooms on the ship, but most of them are relatively small. Keep that in mind. And for the love of God, don’t tell anyone else that’s leaving the guard that I’m hiring you. I don’t want all the damn dregs that quit when the going got tough coming to me and bothering me.”

“Yes sir! So is anypony cute going with us?”

“I’m going to bed. You’re not invited.”

“Sweet dreams!” he called as I walked up the stairs. I didn’t comment on the muttered, “About me,” he added.

Nothing happened the next day aside from Gilda finally showing up.

The night of our departure was perfectly clear, arranged for by me. I didn’t want any rain getting in the way of the shit we were moving onto the ship. Thankfully, most of it was treated wood anyway, so there wouldn’t have been much damage.

Watcher and his troops rode in on the ship, since they were both in Canterlot. Smiles flew in, since he didn’t know what we were taking anyway. Spike, Gilda, Ames, and I were all hunting in the woods for one last meatfest before we left and we met Zecora heading to the house on the way out. She had on her a number of alchemical stuff, but almost no potions.

“Why bring the heavier brew when I can make them anew?” she wisely asked, emphasizing her point by shifting one of her bags that looked like it had a calcinator in it.

When the ship finally got to my house, I got the naga and Watcher’s crew and Smiles to get all the weapons and shit on board. While they were working on that, Spike found me. “This feels wrong,” he said.

“Leaving home? It does, I’ll admit.”

“Not that! Leaving without telling anypony. Sneaking away into the night. I feel like… a thief, I guess. What will they think if you just disappear like this? Shouldn’t you at least tell them?”

“It’s a little bit late for you to be bringing this up, Spike. It’s already midnight. Most everyone’s asleep. Besides, I did leave a note.” Well, the note was just for Dash.

Spike sighed. “I don’t know. It just… doesn’t feel right, I guess.”

“Well, it’s kinda not right. I shouldn’t be doing this and I know I shouldn’t be. But honestly, what is there left to say? ‘I’m leaving, possibly forever, bye’? That wouldn’t go over well. Especially not now.”

“Better to hear it late than to just wake up and find that you’re gone,” he said.

“Well, Twilight knows. She can tell them when they find out.”

“True, I guess… They’re going to be awfully mad, though.”

“I know, Spike. I know. Hopefully a few years will dull that anger.” Oh, if only I knew how wrong I was about that…

“Maybe. Hey, I’m gonna go see if I can help them. I got these dragon muscles coming in, I might as well use them.”

“Have fun with that.” Off he went, wagging that little tail of his and leaving me alone.

It didn’t take long for her to show up. Before she could say a word, I said, “I was wondering when you would show up.” I finally turned around, revealing a very sad looking Pinkie Pie.

“We’re going to miss you, Nav,” she quietly replied.

“And there are going to be times when I’ll miss you guys,” I shot back. “But I think you knew this was coming. I don’t think anyone here thought I could stay in Ponyville forever.”

“I know… And I don’t blame you. Some ponies are going to be awfully angry you didn’t tell them, though.”

“Yeah.” I fished the letter out of my pocket and handed it to her. “Give that to Rainbow Dash after lunch tomorrow.”

“I will.”

“And I’m sorry you couldn’t throw a party for Spike. Something big came up and I needed to leave early. You’ll find out what happened soon, I think.”

“Was it that bad?” she asked.

“Yes. It is… prudent that I get gone soon. You’ll understand. Hell, everyone probably will when they hear.”

“What should I tell Fluttershy?”

“I have instructions for Dash in the letter. If she’s not too angry, she’ll handle it.”

“Okay…”

“Buck up, Pinkie. We’ll see each other again some day.”

“Promise?” she asked.

“I promise,” I answered, one I honestly didn’t care if I kept or not.

It cheered her up slightly, anyway. “Good. I can throw you a welcome home party! Or a long lost friend party!” As things turned out, that second one wouldn’t have been necessary.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” I heard yelling and turned back to my ship. “Looks like it’s time for me to go, Pinkie. Everything’s loaded up and ready.”

“Alright, Nav. Be safe. And when you meet the three-eyed genie, remember what kind of person you really are.”

“…What?”

She shrugged. “I dunno. That happens sometimes. I’ll see you soon!”

“Soon. Right. Until our paths cross again, Pinkie.” I spread my wings and jumped into the air, bypassing the long rope ladder and flying straight up to the ship. “Everything squared away?” I asked the captain.

“Everything but the crew,” he answered. “Everypony’s heading up the ladder now, though. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you sooner, but I picked up a few passengers going our way. I couldn’t turn down the fares, what with our destination.”

“I understand. I don’t suppose you picked up a grey mare named Octavia, did you?”

“Aye, I did. Cute little thing. You know her?”

“Friend of mine, yeah. When everyone’s aboard and we’re all ready to go, feel free to set sail.”

“Yes sir.” I looked around the bustling ship, with magic floating pieces of weapons together according to plans and the occasional bat-winged pegasus lending a hoof whenever they could. “How’s it feel?” he asked.

“How does what feel?”

“Leaving it all behind like this. Dropping your home and setting off for adventure.”

“Well, this is hardly my first time doing that…” Taking one last look around the ship and all the crew that was loyal to me, I added, “Last time, I was forced out of my home. Dragged here by a whim and left to rot.” My eyes finally settled somewhere: Forward. Towards east, where our destination awaited. “This time, though… This time, it feels… right.”

When we left on that long, inhospitable journey, I was looking forward, ever forward. And God help me, there were so many times I wanted to look back. But like a car crash or a train wreck, you just can’t take your eyes away sometimes.

Was it fitting for the journey to be compared to something as destructive as a train wreck? Well, that will be for you to decide.

You fucking asshole.

Chapter Eighty-Nine—I'm on a Boat

Chapter Eighty-Nine—I’m on a Boat

I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. After going from an amazing bed to a mediocre cabin bed aboard a moving ship, I knew I wasn’t going to be getting a good night’s sleep in a long damn time.

Despite that, everything felt… right, I guess you could say. Spring was coming, I was finally away from the ponies, and my destiny at last felt like it was something I had control over. The winds of fate were finally blowing life into my sails.

The winds in real life were also blowing, as I found when I got topside. There were sails on both sides of the large airship, hanging off the two masts built into both sides of the ship to help hold the balloon in place.

“How are things looking?” I asked the fellow behind the wheel.

“Clear,” he answered, then yawned. “Smooth flying behind and ahead, as far as I can tell. Wouldn’t mind a few outfliers scouting the weather ahead, though. If push comes to shove, we’ll either fly above it or ride it out. Those modifications you paid for means we can pass right on through most bad weather.”

“Well worth the money, then. You know if anyone else is awake?”

“Some of the night guards had trouble sleeping. Most of them are up. I think their schedules might be different.”

“Then they’ll be bunking down soon. When are you getting relieved?”

“Probably another half hour. I’ll be fine until then.” He definitely looked exhausted, but I figured I could trust my new crew to know their limits.

Or at least, I certainly hope I can. “Go to sleep when you are. You look like you need it.”

“Yes sir,” he answered with another yawn. There were only two of the night guards on the deck and I didn’t happen to know either of their names yet. I knew I needed to talk to Watcher, so I went to his room first.

When I got there, I found that his door was already open. I leaned against the frame and peered on into the small room, finding myself thankful that the ship was made for either cats or dogs instead of ponies. “Doing good?” I asked him.

He looked up from the papers he had been peering over. “Yes sir,” he quietly answered. “None of us are used to sleeping at night. It’ll take time for a few of us to adjust. Why did you bring Smiles?”

“He needed a job. I told him I’d get him to Stalliongrad to find one and that he better be fucking looking when we’re there. If he can’t find anything, I said I’d take him on. I figure I can find something for him to do.”

“Probably not the best of ideas. He’s not a bad soldier, but I’ve heard it said that he occasionally thinks with the wrong head.”

I shrugged and replied, “Who doesn’t, sometimes? Rein him in, if you think you have to. I’ll admit that he’s nothing but a liability if he acts like a lovesick girl, so let’s make sure he doesn’t act like that.”

“Very well. What did you need?”

“I have questions. First, why do you and the others still look like night guards?”

“Three reasons. The first is that Luna was too busy being in prison to turn us back. The second is that Celestia was too busy being interrogated to turn us back. The third is that we are a strike team of highly trained specialists. The appearance we have complements our group and our skills and shows everyone that we mean business. Also, I absolutely bucking hate being pink.”

“…Pink?” I asked.

“That’s my natural color. It’s a pain to dye a coat without magic. What else did you need?”

“Huh. Why did you and your group come with me? I mean, I know I’m awesome and you just love being around me, but there had to be another reason. What do you see in me?”

“Discord is free, the princesses are proven to both be corrupt, the griffins are changing in ways that I don’t think even they fully understand, and the powers that be are moving. I don’t think the world could afford for me and my troops to sit still and wait. I have picked up a sixth sense for things like you. There’s a feel to you, a feel that lets me know you’re going to change the world. I don’t know how—though I would very much like to—but you’re going to change something.”

“And you decided to leave everything behind and follow me instead, not even knowing what we’re doing?”

“I did. And my entire team decided to come with me. Make of that what you will.”

“They’re either loyal or you’re really well-known for having a good intuition. You deserve to know what’s going on, at least, though I don’t want it to leave this room until I give the say-so. To put it simply, a long time ago, my kind ruled the planet. I’m talking a hellishly long time ago, so long that there are almost no hints left. Humans are… were engineers. Scientists. And we became gods, creating life. Both robotic and biotic. Some of the robots are still ticking.” My hand moved up to my ear for Flo to ooze out. I played with her between my fingers as he looked on impassively. “This is one of them. The technical details are unimportant and I don’t think either of us would understand them anyway. Long story short, the reason I got this ship was to search for the others, mostly locked away by Discord long ago.”

He was silent for some time and I let Flo reenter my mind. He eventually sighed and said, “And you think they can help against Discord even though they lost in the past?”

“I think he locked them away for a reason. Flo seems to think they’d be useful. They may have been locked away the first time, but with extra help? Well, I think it might be worth finding out. And in the meantime, we’ll be flying all around the world, including many of the previously unexplored areas. If the elementals can’t help us, maybe we’ll find something that can.”

“Maybe.” He didn’t sound all that enthusiastic, but then, he never did. As long as he didn’t flake out on me, he could stay unimpressed the entire time. “Now, I’m not sure about this griffin you brought, either. She seems abrasive. In a tight place like this, that is a bad quality to have.”

“True. But she’ll be useful. She’s purportedly a hell of a fighter and is rather fast in the air. No offense to you and your troops, but hooves aren’t especially dangerous unless you can get a good hit in and that can be hard to do. Talons are easier to fight with and they do a different kind of damage.”

“I know. But none of that will matter if she’s too much of a bitch to use them for you.”

“That’s a fair point. If push comes to shove, I’ll tell her to get her shit and leave. I doubt it will come to that, though. What are your thoughts on the dragon, the naga, or the zebra?”

“Zecora’s mind seems addled. She speaks in rhymes and riddles and she reeks of African mysticism, not something I’m entirely certain I want here. But she’ll be useful for her potions, if nothing else. Naga are always good fighters and I’m eager to see this one in action. How much did his services cost?”

“Getting stabbed in the chest with a unicorn horn. What about the dragon?”

He snorted. “I recognize Spike from the few times I was in Canterlot back when he was Twilight’s little pet. Unless he’s changed, he’s little more than a servant.”

“He’s changed. I don’t know if it’s for the better, but it’s a change.”

“We’ll see. He’s gotten bigger, at least. Maybe he’s finally grown a pair as well.”

“What about the changelings?”

“Doppel will give the troops something to do, I suppose. The other one is… worrying. I honestly don’t know what to make of her and that scares me.”

“And my crew?”

“Battle hardened. I don’t know if I like that they brought their foals, but for such a long trip, it’s not surprising. And I’m also not really certain that it’s a good thing there are no pegasi for an airship, but supposedly they manage well enough without any. If things go poorly, my troops have some small experience with boats on the water. We might be able to assist.”

“Good. Now, I want to know all of my troops’ names. I know you and Smiles, but no one else.”

He nodded. “I’ll reintroduce you to them later, when we’re all in one place. It might be hard for you to tell us apart, though.”

“I believe I’ll figure it out with time. What are you guys going to do in terms of scheduling? Get back to a day schedule or stick to what you have?”

“Both. Six are staying the same. Nine of us are going back to day schedules.”

“You aren’t including Smiles in that.”

“I’m well aware. He is not part of my team. He lacks our special training and our experience. He’s little more than a common soldier that happened to get paired up with royalty often.”

“Fair enough. Do you need anything before I go?”

“Are there going to be meal times planned, or will it be a free-for-all?”

“I’ll need to ask the captain if he already has a schedule. If he doesn’t, we’ll make one. Do you have anyone that can cook?”

“One of my group did a stint as a spy in a gourmet restaurant once. Had to go through months of training. So yes.”

“Good. I know Spike and I also can, so I figure there won’t be any problems in that department. Anything else?”

“We’re going to need a blacksmith or someone else skilled in metalworking. If our armor gets damaged, do you think we can afford waiting for a friendly port to get it fixed?”

“…Do you really want a blacksmith on a wooden ship that’s flying a balloon full of flammable gas?”

“Blacksmiths are careful. I’d rather risk going up in flames than not being able to wear armor because it’s too badly damaged.”

“I’ll see what I can do. No promises. Oh, and can anyone in your group operate siege weapons?”

“No. We’ve never had a reason to.”

“I’ll show some how, then. It would be good to have people manning the ballistae I brought, just in case. Now, I need to go find the captain. You need anything else, let me know.”

“Of course. And if I have any advice to give, I’ll do the same.”

“Thank you. This is the first time I’ve headed any kind of… expedition. It’s nice to know that I have some experienced people with me.”

“And it’s nice for me to know that I have someone willing to listen to advice at the head of the group.” There was a pause and he casually added, “If you’re at the head. You are, aren’t you?”

“It’s my money paying for this and it’s my word that says where we go. I leave troop placements up to you, because they’re your men and you know them better than I do. I leave managing the airship up to the captain, because I don’t know what it requires. But this is my crew, if that’s what you’re asking, and it’s my agenda that we’re following.”

“Good. See to it that you remember that.”

“I’ll say the same to you, Watcher. I can think of another reason you might not have changed your coats and it doesn’t involve Luna being in fucking prison.”

“I doubt you would trust someone you suspect of being a traitor to tell you the truth when he says he’s not, so I won’t waste your time. But if you don’t trust us, we can’t trust you. And a team that doesn’t trust each other doesn’t last long.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” That doesn’t mean I would trust them too much until I saw some proof they weren’t still on Luna’s payroll, though. Anyway, with my business with Watcher done for the moment, I went on down to the captain’s room.

His door was not open. Given that it was still rather early in the morning, I lightly knocked on it, hoping not to wake him up. A somewhat groggy Flash opened the door a few seconds later. From the short look I had into his room, I saw that another one of the seven crew members was still asleep on his bed. He stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him. “What do you need?” he asked.

“Questions and concerns. If now’s a bad time, some of them can wait.”

“For things like that, it’s better that they don’t wait. What’s on your mind?”

“First, your kids. Are you sure it’s a good idea to bring them with us?”

“Where else are they going to stay? We almost lost them once, Nav. We aren’t going to abandon them now. We might not be going to some safe places, but I think having the foals around will be good for us. The crew, at least. It’ll give us something to fight for, you could say. Besides, you brought Taya.”

Like I’m going to have to worry about protecting her. “I just had to point it out. Anyway, we might be picking up two more people when we get to Stalliongrad. Just letting you know so you’ll be able to get any supplies we might need for them.”

He nodded and replied, “My supply officer will take care of everything. He hasn’t let us down yet. What’s our destination after Stalliongrad?”

“Nowhere safe, so don’t go picking up passengers without a good reason. Once we leave Europe, we probably won’t have any safe ports for a while.”

“Alright. No more passengers. Anything else I need to know about where we’re going?”

“It’ll be fucking cold. Make sure your crewmembers have cold weather gear. I’ll do the same for my troops.”

“There are heaters in the ship, but I’ll make sure everyone has gear for expeditions. After all, I don’t imagine we’ll be spending the entire trip on the ship.”

“You imagine right. Do any of you have experience with mining? Or experience with fire magic?”

“Yes to the fire magic. No to the mining. Are we going prospecting in ice?”

“Sort of. We’re not looking for riches, though. More like a tomb. How much weight can this ship hold?”

He sighed and muttered, “Oh Celestia, what have I gotten myself into?” After a second, he answered, “With the modifications, a lot. I do not like the idea of grave robbing, Navarone.”

“Let me rephrase that, then. It isn’t a tomb so much as it is a prison. A jail for someone unlawfully imprisoned. Hopefully they’ll be somewhat thankful for getting busted out.”

He snorted. “And hopefully you’re right when you said it was unlawful. I don’t want a convict aboard my ship.” Better not tell him about Kat’s history, then.

“I’ll remember that. One last thing. Is Sunny going to be a problem?”

“She isn’t. And I want you to talk to her, Navarone. Give her a chance to apologize. She’s wanted to for a while, but she’s afraid to. And you avoiding her hasn’t helped.”

“I’m plenty willing to let the past stay in the past. There’s no need for her to apologize as long as she doesn’t attack me again.”

“For her sake, let her talk to you. Or talk to her yourself.”

“Sure, whatever. I’m not as much of an asshole as I used to be. Speaking of which, I never did learn any of your names.”

“…We all told you our names. Several times.”

“Yeah, but I was an asshole back then and didn’t pay attention.”

“Hmph. I’m Flash Gourd. Used to be a farmer. The mare you’re going to go talk to is Sunny Disposition. And you’re going to find the rest of their names out for yourself. Consider that punishment for not paying attention the first time.”

“Oh come on, man. That’s just mean.”

“No, it’s just. There’s a difference. I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Now, do you need anything else?”

“Watcher wants to know if you have any meal time schedules. I can’t imagine the galley on this thing is big enough for us to all eat at once. He has a cook and I have one, so shifts are possible.”

“Sunny will be quite pleased to hear that, I think. Less work for her if there are others that can help. And of course, the two changelings probably won’t eat with us anyway. I trust you can provide for them?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. Doppel eats lust and there’s plenty of stress here she can help relieve to earn it. I can take care of Eva myself. But is there a schedule?”

“There is. Eight, one, and seven. No need for shifts. There isn’t a galley, just a kitchen, so anyone that wants to eat can just get served at the kitchen and find somewhere to eat. For the night guards… Ugh, Watcher will have to deal with them. The two I have on night watch just eat whenever they feel like it.”

“I don’t think ex-soldiers are going to take to that. I’ll let him know.”

“No, I’ll tell him myself. It’s important that we form a working relationship. After all, I imagine we’ll be working together for a while.”

“True enough. And if you two can take care of things like this before I have to, that means less for me to do.”

“Exactly. Though I can’t imagine that there will be all too much for you to do anyway. There’s rarely much to do on long trips like these, at least not until you reach your destination. Speaking of that, how many destinations do you think we’ll have?”

“…I honestly couldn’t tell you. I guess it really depends on how successful the first one is. I’ll be able to find out then.”

“Hm. Well, I need to get ready for the day. If there’s nothing else…”

I shook my head. “Nothing comes to mind. Make sure to talk to Watcher before you forget. I’ll talk to Sunny after breakfast.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Nav,” he warned before slipping back into his room.

Shows how much he trusts me, I suppose. With my schedule for the immediate future cleared, I went on back down to my room. There was still a little while before more people started waking up and I knew I could kill some time with the laptop.

Since the laptop was now an open secret that Celestia knew about, I didn’t bother closing my door when I set it up. If anyone passing by asked what I was doing, I might even tell them the truth.

Something picked at me, though. It took me a second to realize what it was. “You’ve been quiet, Flo,” I commented.

“I have,” she uselessly replied.

“Any particular reason why?”

“You’ve been handling things well enough. I haven’t had to step in. And I’ve been doing my utmost to try to track the air elemental. I’m pretty sure she’s following us, but I can’t be certain without her doing something.”

“Pretty sure because you know air elementals or pretty sure because you can sense her?”

“Mostly the first one,” she sighed. “But I have felt some flickers that might have been her. Now that I know she’s there, it’s easier.”

“Well, if you see a good chance for me to talk to her, let me know. I’d rather secure her on my side than let her continue roaming free like this.”

“Be very careful what you wish for, Nav,” she quickly answered. “I’ve told you many times that air elements are flighty. She might not be the kind of ‘friend’ you want, if you could ever even call her one. They don’t see life like you or I do. If an important event is occurring, one might do something very random and potentially damaging just to ‘lighten the mood’. She would be useful later, yes. But getting her to stay with us for now? Not the best of ideas.”

“Great. So she’s like a fucking kender. How fun. Once we bust out this first water elemental, can we leave her in charge of the air elemental?”

“Impossible. No one is ‘in charge’ of an air. They might follow suggestions if they like you, but if you try ordering one around, you’ll find your hold on them slipping through your fingers like… air.”

“…So we need to keep her interested but not so much that she gets attached?”

“Precisely. Just do as you’ve been doing. She’ll follow. I’ll try to think of ways we can tie her to you in such a way that she’ll feel obligated to do more to help you than hinder you.”

After what she just said, I wasn’t entirely certain I wanted the air elemental around at all. But she would be useful… And it’s not like I haven’t dealt with worse. I mean, this one isn’t going to want to fuck me, right?

When I heard a knocking at the door a few minutes later, I looked up to find a rather weary looking Octavia standing before me, confused. “Sir Navarone?” she said. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s not sir anymore. And I’m sitting down. What are you doing here?”

“Why, getting a ride to Stalliongrad. I assume you’re doing the same?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“I figured. Do you know why there are so many night soldiers here now? I didn’t see you or them board.”

“They’re with me. Mercenaries I hired for something.”

“I see. I do hope you’ll stay safe.”

“That’s what the soldiers are for. Though I don’t think I’ll stint on the fighting if push comes to shove. Hopefully there won’t be too much fighting, but with where I’ll be going, there’s no way to know.”

“Hm. Where will you be going, then? The captain of this ship told me I would need to find another way back to Canterlot. I assume you’ll be hiring him for your journey?”

“You assume correctly. And I don’t know where all we’ll be going, other than that it’ll include some unexplored places. If they’re unexplored, they’re probably like that for a reason. I can’t imagine we’ll have all that much fun.”

“Traveling rarely is as exciting as you expected when you left, I’ve found. But sometimes you’ll find yourself surprised. What’s the occasion? I assume it’s not a mission from the princesses, given some of the whispers I heard before leaving...”

“Once again, you assume correctly. It’s a personal thing, a favor for a friend. It’ll be a long, lonesome road I walk. I’m grateful to have companions going. Kill some of the boredom, you know?”

She nodded. “Yes, I know. I would offer to go, but I have many concerts at which to play. More, after what you showed us. Although... Hm. I need to talk to Vinyl. I’m sure between the two of us, we can find a way to liven up your journey.”

“You know you don’t have to do that. And please don’t make it a point to spread those whispers you may have heard concerning me and the princesses. I don’t want to deal with that in Stalliongrad.”

“I may not have to spread anything. By the time we get there, it’ll likely have already spread.”

“Hm. Well, I didn’t really have a reason to be at that damn party anyway. I can just sit on the boat and wait until it’s over, do what I’m going to do, and then leave.”

“I would suggest a disguise, but I can’t imagine it’s easy for somepony like you to hide. Especially with those wings.”

“Yeah. I’ve done it before, though. It’s certainly an idea. I think I still have those desert clothes...”

She lifted an eyebrow. “That’s a story I don’t think I’ve heard. But you don’t want to wear anything like that in Stalliongrad, not even in the first day of spring. It gets rather cold there.”

“I’ll figure something out if it becomes a problem, then. I’m used to being the center of attention, though, so I can probably live with all the stares if I have to.”

“True, as sad as that sounds... Say, is Taya with you? I can’t imagine you’d leave her behind, but taking her with you on what might be a dangerous trip seems strange.”

“She’s here, yes. Everyone in my house came, along with a few others. Hm... Say, could you use a bodyguard or a cello case carrier? I have an unemployed ex-guard with me that needs a job.”

“No pony seems particularly interested in harming my body, so I don’t believe it needs a guard. And while there are times when I wish I had somepony to carry my cello for me, I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself... as long as I have a cart. Is he cute, at least?”

“He’s gay, so...”

“Oh. Well, he’ll feel rather welcome in Stalliongrad. It’s a stallion majority town. Maybe Vinyl will have work for him?”

“I’ll ask. But if she likes rewarding her employees with sex, she’ll need to grow another organ.”

“I believe you could help her with that, if I remember correctly...”

“True, but I can’t be with her all the time. And those stones are coming with me on the off chance that they’ll be useful later.” Probably not, but it’s worth a hope. So far, they’ve only really been used for sex. Shouldn’t have picked the damn things, that’s for sure...

“They’ve been useful so far, have they not? Useful for stress relief, at least. If those curled toes of yours I remember last year are any indication, you quite enjoyed our activities.”

“I did. I meant useful outside of sex. Everyone seems to think of me as a massive slut, but I have several more priorities than just sex, I assure you.”

“Like supporting the arts by... ahem, ‘making music’?”

“Well, if you’re offering. But I figured you would want breakfast first.”

And there’s the smirk. “Maybe that’s why everypony assumes you’re so loose, Sir Navarone.”

“Not a sir anymore.”

“But yes, it is important for one to break one’s fast. Would you care to join me?”

“I can’t. There’s no dining hall. You’re welcome to get something to eat and come back here, though. I’m not eating right now. No appetite.”

“I might do that. But I do need to practice as well. Tell me, does anypony in your mercenary group like classical music? I wouldn’t mind an appraising ear for my part in the coming concert.”

“So I don’t like classical music now? Or do I not count because I’m not a pony?”

She rolled her eyes, still smirking. “I already know you’ll listen. I mean somepony less biased. If nothing else, I can just play on the deck if the captain doesn’t mind. I’m sure somepony that’s interested will find me there.”

“I don’t know anyone’s tastes yet, so I can’t really help you there. You’re better off eating than playing on the deck. I can’t imagine too many of us will be staying inside all day. I’d go stir crazy if I had to spend too much time in one of these damn cabins.”

“...Stir crazy? That’s a phrase I’ve never heard.”

“It’s what happens when you get locked up in one place for too long. The same four walls start bearing down on you and it’s easy to lose your mind. In a tight place like this, it would be awful.”

“I can imagine... I’ll make sure to spend plenty of time outside, then. With that balloon above us, it’s not like rain will be much of a problem.”

“It will be if we’re inside the clouds. But we can probably get above them.”

“Probably... Well, I need to go eat. I will talk to you later, Sir Navarone.”

“It’s not sir anymore.” She left, still with that smile on her face. I just shook my head and went back to playing X Rebirth, happy the damn game finally came out.

My next guest was our current resident dragon. “What do you need, Spike?” I asked, closing the laptop.

“What’s that thing?” he asked, looking down at it.

“Human technology I brought with me from the past.”

“...What?”

“Come on in and close the door. I think it’s about time I told you what’s going on. And where we’re going, for that matter.”

“I... was going to ask about that, yeah.” He shuffled on in, closing the door behind him.

“I would offer you a place to sit, but there’s hardly any damn room unless you’d feel comfortable on my lap.”

“You offering?”

“Only if you ask nicely. Alright, the first part. After last year’s Europe party, I commissioned an experiment in the unicorn tower outside of Canterlot. It was fairly simple: Find out where I come from in relation to the universe. Past, future, different galaxy, different dimension, whatever. As it turns out, I come from the past on this same planet. I got those unicorns to send me back in time and I brought some relics forward with me. This laptop is one of them.”

“That’s... whoa. Does Twilight know?”

“She knows some of it. And Celestia does as well. Anyway, the point of this trip is twofold. The first reason is to find a safe place for colonists. If I want to save any of the humans, I need to find a good place to bring them.”

“You can’t use Equestria?”

“Hell no. They’d be very well treated slaves, like I was. I want a place where I can ensure their safety and their independence. If I have to, I’ll put them in Gryphonia. At least I can be certain the king will give them a chance.”

“...You were a slave?”

“Moving on. The second reason is very different and it won’t make much sense until I show everyone. So I’ll wait until we break the first one out to say much of anything.”

“Come on! I can take it, Nav.”

Oh, I’m sure you can... “Then I suppose I can give you the basics. Before the humans died out, they created a race of beings called elementals. They are intelligent robots designed to rebuild and guide the world in our absence. However, the humans weren’t able to kill the thing that wiped them out, an entity called Discord. Some time after humans were nothing but a memory, Discord returned and destroyed most of the elementals, leaving a small number of them alive and mostly imprisoned. I happened to find two of them. Now, I have the location of several others and I’m going to break them out. That’s what this ship and crew is for.”

“That’s... huh. Why do you need us for that?”

“Because some of them are in places that I can’t go alone. South America. Antarctica. The North Pole. The middle of an ocean. I need a team to access some of these places safely. Hell, Zecora’s only here to get something from South America. She might or might not stay, after that.”

“And the night guards?”

“Are night guards no longer. Now they’re mine. They have... talents. If you want to learn anything that might or might not be legal, feel free to ask them. I wouldn’t be surprised if Watcher had someone with every skill under the sun represented. Hell, turns out he has a gourmet cook that’ll be sharing shifts in the kitchen. Speaking of which, I seem to remember you saying you wouldn’t mind cooking...?”

“Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting there to be this many ponies here! I don’t know if I could keep up.”

“Hey, bitches love a guy that can cook. I’m sure some of the mares on this boat are single. You start cooking for them, you might get your dick wet. If you want to try your hand at it—and trust me, help would be welcome—talk to a mare named Sunny Disposition. Looks like she’s in charge of the kitchen. One of the soldiers is also going to help, I think. Having three people in there would be nice.”

“I guess I could... But this isn’t really what I imagined when you asked me to come with you.”

“Dude, yes it is. You even said as much when I asked.”

“Well, you know what I mean!”

“I know. But traveling and adventuring is mostly boring with a few bits of excitement and then long stretches of nothing. We’ll find ways to entertain ourselves, but expect plenty of downtime.”

He snorted. “Doing what? Experimenting?”

“Feel free to ask Zecora if you want to do any science experiments. She might let you use her stuff. If you blow up my ship, though, I’ll be almightily pissed.”

“That isn’t what I—Never mind. So do you think the night guys will teach me stuff?”

“If you ask them, they might. I’ll try to learn some stuff from them as well, if I find out that any of them know something I think might be useful. I can’t learn any magic, but there might be any number of other things they can teach. And you could try asking Gilda about learning how to fight with claws or talons. Just don’t get too rough with her because she would tear you apart.” He gulped and nodded. “So what did you actually come in here for? Or was it just to ask me where we were going and why?”

“Well, I just wanted to know where the dining room was.”

“Follow your nose. If I remember right, it’s down the hall, to the right. It’s been a little while since I explored this ship, though, and when I did I was kind of killing everything on it.”

“What?”

“Oh, guess I never told you that one. This ship used to be a pirate ship. The unicorns that now own it were slaves here. The pirates on it started chasing the ship I was on back to Equestria on the return trip from Africa. I broke the unicorns out, helped save their kids, and ordered that the ship be brought back and sold. No one bought it, so they decided to convert it into what it is today.”

“That’s pretty neat. What kind of pirates were they?”

“The murderous kind. Naga, cats, dogs. Even a griffin. It was a pretty hairy scenario. Glad it was resolved quickly.”

“Think there’s any hidden treasure on board?”

I shrugged and replied, “You’re free to look.” Maybe that’ll keep him busy for a few days. “If you find anything, let me know.”

“Will do! I might need your help to carry it, after all.”

“Right. But for now, you should probably go eat. I imagine that’s why you came to ask about the kitchen, anyway.”

“Yeah... I’ll talk to you later, Nav. Hey, maybe the cook made eggs!” I just shrugged again as he walked on out, leaving the door open and inviting for my next guest.

Ames was my next visitor, though truth be told, he barely fit in the hall or through the door. Keyword there is barely. “How you minding the flight?” I asked.

“It has been... an experience,” he commented. “One that is just beginning. One that I’m not so much a fan of. But I agreed to come. I wanted to ask you about these ‘soldiers’ we’re bringing with us. Are you sure they are trustworthy, wearing the signs of the moon princess?”

“No, I’m not. But I’m going to put my trust in them anyway. For now, at least. Be on the lookout for signs that I’m trusting them too far. If they’re selling out my movements to the princesses, I want them stopped. We’re far enough away from civilization that certain... accidents can happen, if you catch my meaning. Just tell me first.”

“Of course. Though I must warn you that there are more of them than there are of us.”

“I know. We have two changelings that will be useful. I imagine Doppel’s already spent the night with at least one of them.”

He grimaced in distaste. “Despicable.”

“But useful. Besides, she needs that lust to eat. You don’t want her to go hungry, do you?”

“Bah.” I don’t think he particularly cared. “She’s useful, but at what cost? She spies and spreads disinformation. Dishonorable, Navarone. We are naga warriors, proud and upright.”

“No, you are. I’m technically a scout. I don’t have to worry as much about that whole honor thing. Not like it matters. You need anything else?”

“We’re going to a party in this Europe place, you said. Do you have enemies there?”

“Shit, probably. I’ve pissed off so many people these few years. If I’m going down to the party proper, it’ll probably be incognito.”

“Either way, I am going with you. If you have enemies, they will likely want to hurt you. I shall not let that happen.”

“Awesome. But uh, how are you going to follow me if I fly?”

“If you’re going in disguise, you won’t be flying. There is only one bipedal creature in this world with feathery wings that I know of. Two mercenaries looking for work, though... Well, I imagine we can hide in plain sight easily enough.”

“Alright. I’ll think of something. I’m good at stealth. And I have to say, it’ll be nice to have your sword at my side. I got into some dicey situations last year and I really would have liked you there. If this year is half as bad as last year, your sword will be getting wet.”

“Good. It has been... too long since it bathed in red. Hunting sates its thirst, but killing fills it up.”

“Well, that’s creepy as fuck. You need anything else?”

“For now, no. I’ll just find the center of the boat and stay there, trying to ignore our unique... situation.”

“Have fun with that.”

About half an hour after the naga came by, I realized that I hadn’t heard anything from Taya yet. Since her room was right next to mine, that was odd. I turned the laptop off and wandered on over. Her door was closed and I wasn’t about to just barge in. Doppel made that mistake a month after Taya’s first heat and I didn’t really want to see any of that.

So I knocked and waited for a reply. “Who is it?” she eventually grunted.

“Your father,” I answered through the door, somewhat unhappy about having to talk through a medium. Thankfully, the need to do that was removed as the door opened. “You alright?” I asked, stepping inside. She was on the bed and it didn’t look like she had moved much since the night before.

“...Yes,” she quietly answered, not meeting my eyes.

“Taya, you know I’m a better liar than you. You’re going to have to get better at it if you want to fool me. What’s wrong?”

“I feel... weird. There’s a strange feeling in my stomach and I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“That’s probably nervousness, dear. You’re leaving what you’ve known and were comfortable with and going into something new and unknown. You aren’t sure if it’s safe or if you’ll have any friends or anything like that and you’re worried about it. That’s perfectly natural for a trip like this.”

“It feels... different.”

“Hm.” I walked over to her bed and sat down next to her, rubbing her back. “Is it a good weird or a bad weird?” I asked after a few seconds.

“I don’t know. It’s a weird weird.”

“Well, I know you’re not fucking pregnant, so that isn’t something we need to worry about. Can you describe it?”

“...No. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t think it’s bad. Just odd.”

Probably just nerves, I bet. “Well, if you ever need to talk about anything, I’m here for you.” I dragged her enough out of the bed to pull her into a hug. “And if you want any breakfast, you should probably get it now or tell me so I can get something for you.”

“Not hungry,” she muttered.

“Well, you’re going to need to eat some time today. You aren’t part tree, after all. Spike will be helping cook, I think, so there’s that.” She didn’t answer. “Hm. Do you want me to stay in here with you?” I felt her nod, but she didn’t say anything. “You want me to read you a story?”

“I guess...” she mumbled.

“Alright. I just need to get the laptop and I can. I’ll be right back, okay?” She mumbled another reply as I gently set her down. Honestly, it was rather worrying that she was feeling like this. On the date of our big success, our big escape, she should be elated. I was finally free, the princesses were getting some justice, and we were finally doing stuff. No more dealing with annoying assholes if I didn’t want to. Although I suppose that didn’t benefit her as much, given that she didn’t have to do too much. Then again, I did keep pressuring her to make friends. Maybe I actually made her leave one behind?

Something to think about, I suppose. Either way, I returned as quickly as possible, ready to do my best to make her feel better. Even if it did feel retarded...

With Taya feeling down and out, I wasn’t able to get out of the rooms until around lunch. Even then, it was only to get her something to eat. Though I was out long enough to bump into our resident zebra. “Your room alright?” I asked her.

“Very much so, my dear human friend. It will do until the journey’s end. There are some problems that I have, but none that need concern you, Nav.”

“Hey, I don’t want any pissed off voodoo slingers on board. If you have any problems here, let me know. If I can’t sort them out, I might be able to point you to someone that can.”

“If you happen to know another alchemist on board, there are ingredients I would love to add to my hoard. I’m sure I can find what I need in Stalliongrad. If what I need is not there, I will be quite mad.”

“Here’s hoping what you need will be there, then. As far as I know, there ain’t no alchemists on board. Say, do you know how to make alcohol?”

“If getting drunk is to what you aspire, I will not help you with what you desire. But if these spirits of yours have a use, I can fashion a still out of refuse.”

“I can assure you that most of it will not get drunk. That stuff is good for medical uses and for fires. I figured you’d be a decent medic, what with your knowledges of all kinds of remedies.”

“As a medic, I have no small amount of talent. I was medicine mare before away I was sent. It was a simple task I was given, but when I returned, the clan was riven. A dangerous foe we had and it drove many quite mad. However, that’s enough of my tale. Tell me, what is the state of our sail?”

Just when her story starts getting good... Every time, I swear. “As far as I can tell, it’s smooth sailing out there. The current plan that I have—and please forgive me if it gets changed—is that first we go to Stalliongrad, then up north, and then to South America. Honestly, what we find up north might change everything. But it’s important we go there first.”

“Of your explanations, I need not a list. The act of traveling itself was quite missed. If I can’t break this annoying curse, I will hardly require a hearse.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. But I’d still like to hear you talk without rhyming. No offense, but some of what I hear makes me want to punch a baby. Door hinge isn’t meant to rhyme with orange.”

“Trust me, I am very aware. And yes, to you it is quite unfair,” she finished with a smirk.

“Hey, I said no offense. No reason to get snarky.”

“If you think you hear snark, you are far from the mark.”

“See, when you’re smiling like that, it’s hard to tell. I’m not used to dealing with rhymes and shit. Not a dance I know well.”

“Oh, now you speak of knowing many dances? I know your favorite involves holes and lances. The only speaking part is a loud moan. I imagine your skills there need no hone.”

“Damn right. If you ever want to learn a few steps, just let me know. It’ll have to wait a little while, though; Taya’s feeling under the weather.”

“If I grow heavy with stress, we might meet to make a mess. If your daughter needs any kind of help, did you not consider the dragon whelp? Spike is known for his loving soul and in helping may have a role.”

“Or you could help. Didn’t you say you were a medicine woman?”

“True, this was said. Is it her head?”

“Nah, her stomach. I figure it’s nerves, but I’d rather have an expert’s opinion. She’s in her room, if you can go see her. I was actually going to get her something to eat, but I have a feeling I’ll get stopped by another mare I need to talk to. You mind going to see Taya? Tell her I sent you or she might get paranoid.”

“Some caution is safe. But too much can chafe.”

“I know. I may have... made her a bit paranoid on accident. I’ve been trying to work with her, but it’s hard to oust bad habits.”

“This I would know all too well. They can be hard to dispel.”

“Yeah... Well, I’m gonna go get her some food. You know where her room is?” When she nodded, I added, “Cool. I’ll see you soon, then.”

She wandered off down to her room of horrors, probably already decked out in her tribal memorabilia. As she left, I couldn’t help but think of how exhausting talking with her can be sometimes. Those rhymes, man.

Sunny, Spike, and one of the female night guards were all standing in the kitchen area, discussing something. I heard schedules and experience as I helped myself to a plate of cheap travel fare. Their conversation didn’t look like it might get violent, so I left them be. I could talk to Sunny later.

Of course, as with everything, my desire to go unbothered wasn’t met. As I was turning to go, she stopped me with, “Sir Navarone, can I have a word?”

That stopped me and I couldn’t help but sigh internally. Still, it was a problem that needed to be addressed sooner or later, and I’d rather get it out of the way sooner. “How can I help you?” I asked, turning back around.

She peered over to the two onlookers. “Can we talk about this later? I have something important to discuss with him.”

Spike shrugged and said, “Alright. Not like we’re going anywhere.”

The night guard nodded. “Later is fine. I’m tired anyway.”

There was some calculating in Spike’s eyes before he said, “Hey, you want me to walk you back to your room?”

“I know the way... but some company would be nice.” You smooth motherfucker. I winked at him as he walked her out. He just smiled.

When the two of them got out, I picked an empty counter to lean back against, setting the plate next to me. “I would have talked to you sooner, but something came up,” I said. “Flash told me you were wanting to talk.”

“I wanted to apologize, Sir Navarone. I... overreacted a few times when we first met. My actions were uncalled for and I know they hurt you.”

“It’s not sir anymore. And as I told you at the time, I understand. I was a weird thing you hadn’t seen before, you were worried and stressed, and I was acting like a dick. I’m just sorry for threatening you with cutting off your horn. I know how important magic is to you unicorns.”

“No, you... don’t understand. What you said is true, but all of us were going through that... When I saw your wings, I thought... My husband was a pegasus. We were both captured together... But when the slavers demanded obedience, he... balked. He tried running away so many times, even though there was nowhere he could go. At first, they just used threats. Then came the beatings. Finally... they sent my husband to a torturer, a violent and monstrous cat. He... he... he cut off his wings. He cut them off and tied them around his back like trophies! And when I saw you, I thought... I thought another pegasus suffered like my beautiful Sea Breeze...”

Why do I always hear the fucking sob stories? And of course, she broke out in tears there at the end. Christ, I never know what to do in these situations...

Thankfully, Flo does. “Would you like me to take over, Nav?” she sweetly asked.

Fucking go for it. Lord knows I’d just screw it up. I retreated into my mind as she came to the forefront, letting her take control. I immediately zoned out, not caring how Flo was going to handle it. After all, I had her to deal with shit like that so I didn’t have to.

Though she would probably be pretty pissed that I was relying on her to handle my emotional problems. Even if she should know that my emotional problems were one of the main reasons I agreed to harbor her.

I zoned back in when I heard her say, “I’m done with her.” With a blink, I had a screen projecting what my body was seeing. It was just me walking back to the room down an empty hall. “It all went well.”

“Good. Mind if I take back control?”

“...What would you do if I said yes?”

“Be pretty pissed. But since you’re going to go deal with Zecora, by all means, keep going. You won’t hear any complaints from me.”

“No, no. She’s helping Taya and I won’t have you miss out on that.”

Fuck. “Fine, put me back in control. But you better not have forgotten Taya’s lunch.”

“I didn’t,” she replied as I regained control. Thankfully, I didn’t lose my grip on the tray I was apparently holding.

“Talk about tunnel vision,” I muttered. I don’t know how I missed the tray when I looked through the camera, but whatever. Anyway, she had gotten me most of the way to the room, so I finished the journey with a few quick steps and let myself into Taya’s cramped room.

Zecora appeared to be examining Taya. Since there didn’t seem to be any real need for me, I set the tray down on the small dresser she had and just leaned against the door frame, waiting. I wasn’t about to leave her and I didn’t want to get in the way, so I just watched from afar.

Whatever Zecora was doing didn’t take that long. Since it involved incense and what I would call pseudo-science at best, that probably wasn’t a bad thing. When she finished, she nodded. “Just a case of hunger and bad nerves. You need rest and plenty of hors d’oeuvres.”

“Appetizers? Is lunch okay instead?” I asked, smiling.

“If mocking me is something you must do, it is something you will soon come to rue. Any food is fine, when it’s time to dine. Just as long as it is healthy food you eat and not simply a very unhealthy treat.”

“Well, you’ll be hard-pressed to find much in the way of healthy food on a trip like this, but I brought what I could find,” I said, nodding at the tray on the dresser. “Thanks for looking her over, Zecora. I’ll watch her for now.”

“There is nothing more warming than a father’s care,” she answered with a smile. “Now, it is time for me to exit Taya’s lair.” I backed out of the door so she could exit and let her go on her way as I went back into Taya’s room.

“Ready to eat?” I asked, lifting the tray from her dresser and bringing it over to the bed. “Can’t promise it’s good, but it’s filling.”

She sighed, staring glumly at the plate. “Did we have to leave?”

“I did. But I gave you the choice, remember? Do you really regret it? I thought you were always talking about how you didn’t like the ponies.”

“I know… But it feels weird to be leaving like this. Running away in the dark. I thought you were planning on waiting another few weeks!”

“I was. Something came up and waiting wasn’t viable anymore. That doesn’t change the fact that you need to eat.”

“What came up? What happened?”

“I’ll tell you after you eat.” She shrugged and sat up to slowly pick at the tray with a mix of magic and hooves. With her eating, it was relatively silent. “You know, I probably shouldn’t actually tell you what happened,” I said, leaning back a little. She looked up sharply from her tray, a reply ready on her lips, but I quickly held up a hand. “That isn’t going to stop me. This could actually affect you, so it’s only fair that you know. After you eat.” She just sniffed at me and continued eating.

Truth be told, I could see why she was somewhat hesitant to eat it. Not that I was really doubting Sunny’s cooking, but there’s only so much you can do with stuff you carry with you for the road. Especially if you can’t use meat. I mean, Gilda could go fish or something if she felt like it, but the rest of the omnivores on board were stuck with whatever the herbivores were eating. Well, aside from what I had prepared beforehand.

When Taya finally finished, I set the tray back on the dresser and closed my eyes, thinking. After a few seconds, she said, “Well?”

“Just thinking about how to start this. To put it bluntly, Luna did something really, really stupid. You know how I’ve had… problems with her in the past, right?” She nodded. “Most of those problems involved her doing things to me that amounted to torture or otherwise breaking the law.” That got her eyes to slam wide open and her jaw to drop. “She confessed to it publicly, in front of tons of reporters. She ended up in a lot of trouble and I thought it was best to split while I still could. So here we are.”

After a few seconds, the look of shock on her face started slipping into one that seemed to be closer to rage. While there wasn’t much she could really do, I figured it was better to snip that in the bud rather than let it possibly get bad. So I quickly snatched her up and pulled her into a hug. “So here we are,” I repeated, slowly rocking back and forth. “And we’re going to make the best of it, aren’t we? No reminiscing about the past, no holding grudges, and no causing problems.”

Taya tried pushing away from me, but I wasn’t budging. “She hurt you!” she eventually said, still pushing.

“A lot of people hurt me. Luna is getting her just desserts. Revenge is beneath us. That’s why we’re going to let it go.”

“No!”

My grip tightened around her. “Yes. That is absolutely what we’re going to do. I’m pulling my fatherly rank. You are going to let it go. You are not going to worry about it. And I’d like you to hug me back.”

“But—”

“No. This is over and done with, Taya. Luna’s confession was the end of it.”

“Then why are you running away?”

“…Because not everyone will agree. There are many reporters and citizens and… ugh, friends that will want my side of the story or to comfort me. I don’t particularly feel like being bothered or reliving those events. That’s why I left early.”

She finally stopped talking for a little while. After a few seconds, I felt her legs wrap around me, returning the hug. “I’m so sorry, daddy,” she whispered.

“It’s okay, Taya. It’s all over now. If we ever need to go back, maybe things will have calmed down. And until then, we’re essentially free. No laws holding us down, no morals but our own keeping us in place. It’s liberating.”

“Does that mean… you can help me with my heat?”

“No it does not,” I quickly replied. She just sighed and I patted her back. “That’s one of my morals.” Sadly, that kind of killed the mood for me. I let go of the hug, pushing her back. “Are you feeling better now?” I asked, letting her rest back on the bed.

“Yes. A little.”

“Excellent. I should probably let you rest, then. If you were feeling that bad, you probably didn’t sleep that well.”

“Yeah…” When I stood to go, she quickly said, “Wait!” I looked back down at her. “Daddy, I have a… question.”

“Go for it.”

“Why do you… treat most mares differently than me? What do they have that I don’t?”

Oh boy. “Something I want from them. What I do with most mares is called flirting. I have a specific goal in mind when I do that and it’s a goal that I don’t have with you. That’s why I treat most women differently.”

“Oh… What do you want from them that you don’t from me?”

God dammit. “Sex. You’re too young and my daughter, so I have no interest in that from you.”

“Sex? Is that what… I’ve been doing? With the toy?”

“Sort of. What you’re doing is called masturbation. Sex is between two or more people. But it’s the same concept, yes. You see, guys like me have a thing called a penis that we stick into your vagina. There’s a whole lot more to it, but that’s the basic point of it right there. It’s used for fun and making babies.”

“Huh. I won’t get pregnant from the toy?”

“Nope. You need a stallion for that. Guys have something in them called semen that goes inside of your vagina and has a chance of making babies. I think ponies can only get pregnant when they’re in heat, but I’ll have to ask one to be sure. Either way, you’re too young for it.”

“Okay. Can two mares have sex too? Or two guys?”

“Sure can. The logistics are usually different and some things change, but it can still be fun for everyone involved. No chance of pregnancy, either.”

“Interesting… So when I go into heat, what I crave is… a guy’s penis?”

“Yep. That said, you better not do anything with one, not until you’re old enough. If I find out you are or you’re trying to, there will be consequences. You understand?”

“Yes, daddy. But why can’t you give me yours?”

“We’ve been over this. Stop asking. It’s not going to happen.”

She sighed and looked away for a moment. A moment that was far too short. “Can I at least see it?” she asked.

“You already have,” I answered, crossing my arms. “You saw it when I was hurt and you were washing me.”

“…Is that what that was?”

“Yes. That’s what that thing between my legs was. Stallions have it more hidden away in a thing called a sheath. When they start getting aroused, it’ll poke out. Same for most other races.”

“And nothing but a stallion can get me pregnant? Something like… say, a dragon, couldn’t?”

“Yes, only stallions can get you pregnant. I really don’t suggest male dragons as lovers, though. They grow quickly and their sperm is extremely hot. Not a good idea. And I swear to God, you better not go chasing after Spike.”

She blushed and looked away again. “I… I won’t.”

“You better not. Now, do you have any other questions?”

“…How does it feel as a guy? Is it different?”

“Give me a sec. I’ll be right back.” She nodded as I left her room and went right next door to mine.

“You really shouldn’t do this, Nav,” Flo warned as I opened the hidden compartment in my dresser and pulled out the human lockbox.

“I know,” I answered, pressing my thumb to the sensor and opening it to pull out my gender stones. “But she asked. I’ll give her the choice, of course.”

“Bah. Who wouldn’t take that choice? You still shouldn’t do it!”

“I don’t think anything bad will come from it. It’s not like she’ll get addicted.” Flo just groaned as I went next door, the bag with the stones in my hand.

“Alright,” I said, stepping through the door. “You remember my gender changing stones?” Taya nodded. “If you want to find out what it’s like as a guy, I can let you find out. I have to warn you, though: Transforming the first time will hurt. A lot. It’s up to you.”

She eyed the bag I was holding, cogs turning in her head. After a second, she nodded. “I want to try it.”

With her consent, I opened the bag and pulled out the stones, turning genderless as I held them both. “You know the deal. Pink for female, blue for male.” Before she could reply, I threw the blue one at her, forcing her into the change. “Nothing worse than bracing,” I said, rushing forward and hugging her as she squealed in pain. Thankfully, he got over it quickly and just shuddered as he recovered from the agony.

“That hurt,” he whimpered.

“I know it did,” I replied, my voice female since I still had the pink stone in my hand. “But it doesn’t last long.” I rubbed my son’s back warmly before standing up and backing away, snatching the blue stone and setting them both on the dresser. “Have those stones back to me in an hour. Hell, as soon as you get finished, turn back. Don’t stay as a boy for longer than necessary. Any questions?”

“How do I… do that?” he asked.

I stepped forward and flipped him onto his back, pointing at his sheath. “That’s where it is. If you stroke it with magic or something, that would probably work. Just think arousing thoughts. Now, I’m going to close the door. Don’t open it for anyone but me while you’re still male. Okay?”

“Okay…” I left him staring down at his sheath, trying to decide what to do.

God, I’m such a terrible father. It amused me that Flo didn’t comment on that.

My next visit was from Smiles. This was after Taya had her fun and got the stones to me and I was just about to get ready to turn in for the night. When I opened the door, I immediately sighed upon seeing who it was. “What do you want?” I asked, wondering why I was even bothering.

“Can we… talk?” he asked.

“I’m about to go to sleep, so make it fast.”

“I heard about what happened with the princ—er, Luna…” For some reason, he stopped there, as though waiting for a response.

“And?” I sighed, leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms.

He blinked, surprised. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

“No.”

That kind of stumped him, actually. “Uh… It would make you feel better! And everypony is really curious about your side of the story. We know what Luna did, but we don’t know why. Or if anypony does know, they aren’t saying.”

“First, it wouldn’t make me feel better. Second, the why is simple: Bitch is crazy. You made a very big mistake when you came here with this, Smiles. You assumed that I’m a pony and that my mind works like one. I’m not and it doesn’t.” Which is kind of a lie. I haven’t really noticed that many differences between my thought processes and a pony’s. “I’m feeling fine and I don’t need comforting.”

He looked down and muttered, “Oh.” His ears were drooping and he looked rather out of place. It didn’t take him but a few seconds to perk up. “Sir, I… Well, I feel bad about it. All of us night guards do. We failed you and the princess both. Several of us followed questionable orders thinking it would be okay if the princess told us to do it. I never… Well, I don’t think I ever helped do something illegal, but…”

“Okay?”

I fucking hate ponies. After I said that, the next thing I knew, I was getting mercilessly hugged by a depressed bat pony. “I’m so sorry,” he kept whispering over and over, his wings also wrapping around me.

I massaged the bridge of my nose as I fought to maintain balance, wondering just where in life I had gone wrong. Truth be told, I blamed Twilight, but I’m sure I could have done some things to prevent this. Either way, I had a bat pony to either comfort or get rid of.

“Look, Smiles, you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, you probably did, but you didn’t know that you did. I don’t think you would have helped Luna violently rape me and tear me apart on purpose. Or that time she attempted to murder me. Or give me love poison. Or everything else she did.” In hindsight… Well, let’s just say that what I said made him even more despondent.

“Oh Celestia, wh-hy-hy-hy?!” he sobbed, holding me tighter.

“God damn, Smiles. It isn’t your fault! Christ, it’s not like Luna’s the only one that abused me. I got raped by a naga and several times by a cat in Egypt. And a few others.” That continued my streak of saying things I really shouldn’t have, because he just constricted his grip even more, actually starting to hurt. “T-t-too tight!” I hissed, trying to force him away.

He seemed to get the hint and loosened his grip. Sadly, it didn’t loosen enough for me to get away. Instead, he gently nuzzled me and whispered again, “I’m so sorry...”

“That’s nice. Now can you let go?”

“Most ponies aren’t like that, Nav,” he said, not letting go.

“I know.”

“Most wouldn’t even think of hurting you… So kind and loving… You just had bad luck, I promise.”

“Okay?”

“I mean, I would never… mistreat you like that.” Oh God dammit. “I’m kind and wouldn’t push you to do anything you didn’t feel comfortable with.”

“Smiles, I’m not gay.”

He quickly pushed himself away, blushing and not meeting my gaze. “I… never said you were, sir. I was just… trying to reassure you, is all. Most ponies aren’t like that.”

“Well, thanks for the reassurance. Even if it’s something I already knew. I’m going to bed now. Good night, Smiles.”

“…Good night, sir.” I started to close the door, but he stopped me. “Wait, I have another quick question.” I sighed and nodded him on. “What do humans think of stallions like me?”

“I’m going to assume you mean flaming homosexuals. When I left, most humans didn’t like them. I’m one of those that doesn’t mind your kind.”

“Have you ever… thought about it?”

“Yes. I’ve even tried sex with a stallion. He was the bottom, of course. It was… different. Not for me.”

“Oh… But you’ve never tried being the submissive partner?”

I sighed, once more rubbing the bridge of my nose. “I’m tired, Smiles, and I’m going to bed. If you don’t stop this bullshit, I’m going to kick your ass off my ship as soon as we hit land. Stop trying to get me to go gay.”

“I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to me. I’m better at it than you’ll ever be. I’m going to bed. You aren’t invited.”

“…Yes sir.” Once again, I started to close the door. Before it was shut, he said, “One more thing!” The sound of the door closing cut him off and I just fell onto the mattress. “It can wait!” he called through the door. After a few seconds of not answering, I heard his hooves walking away.

Flo giggled and whispered, “There are many times that I don’t envy you, Nav.”

“It’s surprising that you envy me at all.”

“Not really. You have freedom of movement while I’m trapped in you and in this cave. Is it so bad to envy freedom?”

“Meh. Let’s just go to sleep.” I’m tired of dealing with horses and their horsey problems.

...Not that it was an invitation for non-horses with non-horsey problems to start bothering me. Flo alerted me to someone knocking on the door after a few hours of being asleep. Since I knew there had to be some kind of emergency for someone to be waking me up at that hour, I sighed and told her to wake me up.

She jolted me awake with a surge of adrenaline, something I’m sadly used to. I was still hellishly tired, but at least I was awake and able to stumble over to the door. If I open this door and Smiles is on the other side, there will be hell to pay. Throwing it opened revealed Spike instead. I wasn’t expecting that one, that’s for sure.

He was shivering slightly in the cool night’s air, though he did have a blanket around him. A look of either worry or fear and exhaustion was carved into his face. “Uh... hey, Nav,” he whispered, pulling his blanket tighter.

“What do you need, Spike?” I answered just as quietly, one of my eyes sliding shut.

“I... had a bad dream.”

“Well, that sucks,” I answered, leaning against the uncomfortable door frame. “I can’t access your dreams, though, so I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Can I... sleep with you tonight?”

You’re joking, right? A quick look at his face told me that he wasn’t.

I was still tempted to tell him to fuck off, but Flo stopped me. “He’s mature in some ways, but in others… Well, it’s your fault that he’s here. You have to take responsibility for him, Nav.”

I sighed and ran a hand down my face before asking, “And you don’t see anything wrong with that?”

“No? Is there something wrong with it?”

Fuck it. “It’s only weird if you make it weird. Come in and close the door behind you.” He breathed a sigh of relief as I moved to let him inside. The door swung shut behind him as I fell back into bed. “I’m way too tired to talk about whatever dream it was, so it’ll have to wait until morning. Find a place to sleep, I guess.”

Now when I said that, I wasn’t expecting his place to sleep to be right next to me on the fucking bed. I flinched when I felt him lifting my wing away and plopping down right next to me. “Thanks, Nav,” he whispered, pulling the wing back down over him like a blanket.

“Don’t make this a habit,” I muttered, doing my best to get comfortable with the wrong gender of dragon next to me.

“I won’t. I just... didn’t want to be alone tonight.” He sounded genuinely afraid, so I decided I’d go easy on him. Everyone needs some comfort sometimes.

So I just said, “Goodnight, Spike. Sleep well.”

“You too, Nav,” he answered with a yawn, pulling my wing tighter. God dammit.

Flo giggled and said, “It’s cute, Nav. He’s young and he trusts you. That’s not a bad thing.”

Bah. Fucker better not have morning wood.

“You’re just worried that it might be bigger than yours.”

If you were in front of me, I would slap you right now. She just giggled again as I drifted back off to sleep.

Some time early the next morning, an uninvited guest let herself into my room. She did so by slamming my door open, saying, “Yo Nav, you wanna—Whoa.”

I shot awake and away from Spike, who had at some point wrapped around at least part of my body. When I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and focused on the door, I saw Gilda standing there with a small blush and a large smirk. “What?” I groaned, rubbing at my face.

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to go fishing,” she replied with a chuckle. “But it seems you found something to eat your worm already.”

“What does that mean?” Spike asked, sitting up and rubbing his back from where I accidentally pushed him off the bed.

“It means that her mind is in the gutter,” I answered before she could. “No, Spike and I didn’t fuck. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t even want to. Right, Spike?”

“Well—”

“So get your mind away from that, Gilda. He got cold and came to me because of it.”

“Right, right,” she said, nodding and still smirking. “You know I don’t judge, Nav. But you probably shouldn’t go for one so young. I bet that takes the fun out of it!”

“Ugh. You’re sick.”

“You know you love it. And it’s not like you can talk, after last night!”

“God, you... Look, I’m fully clothed! How could we have fucked if I’m not undressed?”

“Hey, we did it once,” she answered with a shrug. “Just get those pants down far enough and it’s not a problem. You’d think the sheets would be dirtier, though. And I know from experience that little Spike here would be a lot more tired. Unless... was he the top?”

“My brown cherry is pure and unbroken, I assure you,” I answered with a sigh. “Now get out. We can do whatever later. I need to talk to Spike.”

“Oooh, lover’s spat?” she whispered, her eyes going wide in mock horror. “Don’t mind me! I’d love to watch.”

“Out!” She just giggled darkly and pulled the door shut, no doubt running to spread the news of the illicit tryst she believed occurred.

“What was she even talking about?” Spike asked, turning back to me.

“She thought we fucked,” I replied, leaning against the wall. “You know, penis in pooper.”

“...But we didn’t.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I said that she thought we did and not that she knew we did. But that’s not important.”

“If you say so,” he replied with a shrug. “So why did you tell her I came here because I got cold?”

“Never admit fear or weakness to a griffin unless you really trust them. Trust me when I say that it’s just a bad idea.”

“Isn’t getting cold a weakness?”

“Yes, but it’s not as bad as coming to me for nightmares. Speaking of that, what were they about?”

He looked away and just said, “You know, the usual. Nothing big, now that I think about it.”

“...If you say so. But if you ever need to talk, just come and find me. I can’t promise I can help, but talking about things like that usually makes you feel better.”

“I’ll remember that,” he answered, nodding. “But uh, I think I should probably go. Don’t want anypony else thinking... we did that.”

“Probably a good idea. No reason to risk your chances with all the poon on the ship. See you later, Spike.”

“Yeah.” And with that, out he went, wagging that little tail of his.

“Your crew is really, really colorful,” Flo commented as I stretched and fell back into bed.

“Tell me about it,” I muttered, closing my eyes and trying to get comfortable again.

In case anyone was wondering, what Gilda meant by fishing was diving down to the water and snatching fish up. I tried a few times and had no luck. She got a few fish and ended up fighting a shark for an octopus that slipped away when no one was watching.

It was pretty interesting, all things told.

And so the days went on the way to Stalliongrad. We found amusement where we could and kept ourselves occupied. For the most part, Smiles stopped his advances against me. Taya learned some dirty magic tricks from the unicorns on the ship. Spike and I learned more about fighting from the naga and Watcher’s group.

Finally, the day came that we beheld the great city of Stalliongrad. Winter wrap-up was over in the city and most of the snow was gone. A massive statue of an alicorn stood on a hill right next to the city. According to Watcher, it was named The Motherland Calls or something.

The rest of the city appeared rather dull and drab, but that’s what I was expecting from a place in Russia. It certainly didn’t look like a place of new beginnings, but I’ve long since found that appearances are commonly deceiving. Stalliongrad was the gateway to my future and I quickly found myself looking forward to seeing what new adventures awaited beyond the city.

Chapter Ninety—Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree

Chapter Ninety—Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree

Of course, it couldn’t be as simple as parking our ship above the city and using it as a base. No, the people controlling the party had to be fucking difficult. As it turns out, it’s illegal to keep an airship over the city while the party is going on. The air had to be kept clear for dragons, apparently. Understandable, but it meant we had to set the ship down in a massive river outside of town.

Naturally, the naga was perfectly okay with that, even if the water was as frigid as an ex-wife’s heart. Most everyone else didn’t really care all that much, given that they weren’t planning on spending too much time at the party itself.

I was not most everyone. And neither were the two quartermasters I had, one from the ship and the other with the guards. As far as we were concerned, the only good news was that there was a port connected to the city that was free to dock at during the party.

Well, partially free. “Who owns this vessel?” an official looking pony asked, stepping aboard the ship from the plank leading to the dock.

“That would be me,” Flash answered, stepping forward. “How can I help you?”

“Do you or anypony else have an invitation to the party?” the official dude asked.

Thankfully, Octavia was on the deck at that time, having her bags dragged topside. “I do, sir,” she answered, pulling the invitation from one of her bags.

The official unicorn dude pulled it toward him with magic, reading over it. After a few seconds, he nodded. “This invitation gets you in, Miss Octavia. Unless you’ve reserved this airship to take you back after the party, it will need to leave within forty-eight hours.”

Unfortunately, that meant I had to step in. “I have a few invitations as well,” I said from my semi-hidden position next to the stairs going down. “I trust mine might be a little more inclusive than hers,” I added as I stepped forward, pulling all five of the invitations out of my pocket.

“Sir Navarone, I assume?” the fellow asked as his magic pulled the invites over.

“Not sir anymore,” I replied, crossing my arms. “And I have chartered this ship. It stays here.”

“Well, these documents are all in order,” he said. “The ship may stay here, though it might have to change docking lanes in order to accommodate other ships. Is there anypony else on board with invitations?”

I had no clue about that, but the captain did. “No other passengers with them. Just a few ponies coming here on business.”

“Excellent. If the two of you would come with me, I’ll arrange an escort to your quarters.”

“I’m staying here,” I quickly said. “I don’t need a room in the city this year.”

“Are you sure?” the fellow asked. “It would be more centrally located and almost definitely more comfortable.”

“Quite sure,” I answered. “I might have to leave in a hurry and if I do, I want to be ready to go. Besides, last year I almost got fucking murdered at the party. I’d rather sleep with several personal guards between me and any knives in the night.”

The porter huffed. “I can quite assure you that kind of behavior will not be tolerated in Stalliongrad. It may be commonplace in Flankfurt or Germaneigh, but not here!”

Oh yeah, this guy’s corrupt and crime is probably rampant. Incognito mode, bitches. “Sure. Either way, I’ll be staying on the ship.”

“Very well. Will you at least come with me to check in and tell somepony where they can send notes? With the rumors we hear, I imagine you’ll be quite a popular person this year.”

“Who’s here, first? If there’s no one I care about, I won’t bother.”

“King Bloodbeak, Queen Chrysalis, Clutch Leader Pyrite, and the minotaur leader, Asterion. Princess Celestia could not make it this year, sadly. Something... came up at the last minute, I was told.”

“Huh. No cats? Or dogs?”

“Both sent delegations, but nopony of consequence arrived from either group.”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind talking to Chrysalis or Bloodbeak. I suppose I might as well sign in... Naga, you interested in a quick trip to the belly of the beast?”

He had been helping ferry baggage up to the top of the ship and he stopped to watch the unicorn come aboard, perhaps expecting an enemy or something. “Alright, human. We both need to arm ourselves, though. I don’t believe it would be wise to enter the city without a weapon on hand.”

“True enough. We’ll be right back.”

The porter guy sniffed. “I assure you, there’s no need for that. This city is perfectly safe!”

“That’s nice. Be back in a sec. Come on, naga.” Ames took a second to glare at the porter before following me below deck. “Grab your sword. Don’t bother with the crossbow. I’ll get my stuff and meet you back up top.”

“Very well, though I wouldn’t have bothered with the crossbow anyway. That is not a weapon of honor.”

Cry me a river. He continued on to his room as I went to mine. First, I threw my sword belt on, making sure the blade was snugly in the sheath. Then I grabbed a cloak and tossed it around my shoulders, hoping I could use it to at least partially conceal myself should I have the need. Finally, I took my gun and looped it around my left shoulder, using the cloak to conceal it from all but the most prying of eyes. It was loaded and as a precaution, I put two more magazines in one of my pockets.

While I was doing that, Spike walked by my room and poked his head in. “You going somewhere?” he asked.

“Into town, yeah. Gotta check in to let the powers that be know where I am.”

“Can I come?”

“Sure. No weapons, though. I’ve only ever seen a single dragon with weapons, and you don’t want to get confused with that guy.”

“Oh... Who was he?”

“Something called a Purifier, which is their law keepers. You don’t want to fuck with them. Oh, and another point: Under no circumstances are you to ever hint to another dragon that you’ve had sex with anything outside of your species. That will get you killed by their Purifiers.”

“Whoa... What?”

“Yeah, it’s weird. Let’s go.” I stepped past him into the hall and started walking back out. “It’s against their laws. I was almost forced to marry that dragoness I slept with. If she was found guilty of having instigated it, she would have been killed. By all means, sleep with whoever you like, but don’t spread around what you’ve been doing.”

“I uh... I might just stick to dragons while we’re here. Or... maybe just stay on board.”

“First, you should definitely fuck a dragoness while we’re here. Second, you aren’t staying on board, because you can’t fuck one if you don’t talk to one.” The naga was already topside when we got up there. “Ready?”

“As ever,” he replied, shrugging his sword belt on over his shoulder. “Lead the way, human.”

I looked over to Flash. “I’ll be back when I’m back. Send the quartermasters into town with the lists I made. Tell them to work together. And ask Watcher to get some people looking for a blacksmith that wants to travel. If you see Taya, tell her I had to go into town to deal with an emergency. Oh, and tell Smiles to get to job hunting. I want him off the boat.”

“Yes sir,” he answered, thankfully not saluting. “Any instructions for the rest of us?”

“Keep some guards on the boat at all times. Otherwise, do whatever you want.”

“Alright. See you when you get back, then.”

“Octavia, you ready?” I asked, turning to her.

“Of course. I’ll send somepony by to get my things when I have secured accommodations. Please, lead the way,” she told the porter guy.

“Very well. Follow me, then,” he replied, turning around and walking back down to the dock. We all followed him, with Octavia taking the lead so I could stare at her ass.

“So tell me, what are things like here?” she asked our guide.

That was enough for me to completely zone their conversation out. As fuckmassive as the city was, I knew that we were probably in for quite a walk. Without having a map of how the city was laid out for the party, I’d have no idea where anyone was. Finding Kumani and Kat would be problematic. Though truth be told, I wasn’t really that interested in finding Kat. I knew that she could be useful, but she also sort of raped me several times. And if I did find them both, they probably wouldn’t get along very well.

Eh. I’m pretty good at dealing with problems like that. What’s the worst that could happen?

After quite a fucking long walk, our guide dropped us off at the central check-in area. It was extremely crowded and as soon as I saw that, my hood went up and I hunched over slightly in an attempt to disguise myself. No reason to advertise that I was in the city, after all. Christ, just imagine what a crowded place would be like if Luna’s confession made it to Stalliongrad.

Thankfully, I had briefed Octavia about how I wanted to stay relatively hidden in the city, so she didn’t make a point to sell me out. “I still think this is silly,” she quietly commented as we fought through the crowd to the center.

“That’s nice,” I answered. “I’m used to being the center of a very different kind of attention than you are. You wouldn’t think it was so silly if you had been in my shoes a few times.”

“I don’t imagine your shoes would fit, thank you. But... I suppose given some of what you’ve been through, I can understand not wanting attention.”

“If it’s not sexual attention, I’m not interested,” I confirmed. “And I rather doubt that’s what most of the people here would give me.”

“I don’t know... Some mares have a thing for damaged and abused stallions.”

“And those mares usually happen to be fucked up in the head. I think I’ll pass on attention from them, thank you.”

“That is a fair point... Many mares have a thing about changing their stallions. Though honestly, you won’t find all that many mares here in this city. It is majority stallion.”

“Yeah, I know. Competition’s gonna be fierce. If you didn’t have me and the naga behind you on the trip here, some of the stallions passing by would have propositioned you.”

“Yes, I noticed,” she sighed. “I fear that without an escort, traveling the streets might become annoying.” I was tempted to offer her a squad to accompany her, but I didn’t want to give any of my troops up like that, not without a good reason. “But I’ve been to stallion majority cities before. I know how to handle myself in them, so I needn’t worry.”

“Good. Wouldn’t want you used,” I replied. “Unless you’re into that, I guess.”

“Oh trust me, there will be plenty of parties with a small number of mares and a large number of stallions,” she answered. “I will not be attending any, though I imagine Vinyl will probably find several. Many of those parties tend to devolve quickly into things I am not interested in, not that it will stop Vinyl from trying to get me to attend.”

“Sounds hot. I bet Doppel would love to go to one.”

“She probably would. And I’m sure they’d love to have her. Celestia knows that few enough mares attend those filthy parties.”

“I think it would be fun.” This crowd is getting old. “Naga, you think you can get us through this crowd easily?”

He looked over the area before shooting his tongue out, tasting the air. After a few moments of deliberation, he nodded. “It would be my pleasure. I detest waiting.”

As the naga began forcing his way through the crowd of what was mostly ponies just standing around and occasionally talking, Octavia replied, “I imagine you would think so, Navarone. By all means, attend one with your gender stones. Should you be allowed in, I can almost guarantee you won’t leave while still able to walk.”

“As tempting as that is, I think I’ll hold off, at least for now. I might have a lover in waiting to pick up here.”

“Oh? Another temporary one, or something more permanent?”

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t spoken to her in a year.” Several of the ponies getting forced aside by Ames were not at all pleased, but one look at him and Spike and they took their grumblings elsewhere. The few that didn’t stop there looked at me and Octavia and decided that anyone powerful enough to afford both a dragon and a naga as bodyguards wasn’t someone they wanted to mess with at all.

“It doesn’t really seem like you to settle down,” she idly said as we grew closer to the building that was apparently used for signing in.

“I know it doesn’t. That’s because I haven’t done it yet.” Or at least, not for lack of trying. “I still don’t know if it’ll work out. But I suppose it would be interesting to try, if she’s still willing.”

“Vinyl’s plans will probably be changed considerably during this party if you won’t be available as a... partner. She had quite a number of things planned for you. Parties, orgies, and other acts of general hedonism. I do imagine she’ll be quite disappointed.”

“Well shit, so am I, now. Maybe if I’m careful, I can avoid Kumani for a few days.”

“Perhaps. But I can’t imagine she would be altogether too pleased to find that you avoided her to sleep around.”

“Meh. I’ll see what happens. And here we are. Thank you, naga.”

“Happy to help,” he answered, turning to glare at the few ponies that hadn’t gotten the hint yet. Those that met his eyes wasted no more time leaving. I think the scaley hand on his sword hilt probably did wonders for that. “I will wait out here to ensure we will have an easy way out when our business is concluded.”

“Awesome. Wait with him, Spike.”

“Uh... Okay?” He just shrugged and took up a position next to Ames, trying to look intimidating and succeeding in looking constipated.

“...Hopefully it won’t take long. After you, Octavia.” I pulled the door open for her, letting her on in ahead of me. God, I just love watching their hips sway.

...That’s probably a sign that I’ve been in Equestria too long. But then, I already knew that.

“New arrivals?” the stallion at the front desk asked.

“Yep,” I answered, stepping in behind the grey mare.

“I need to see your invitations.”

Octavia tore through space and time to access the holding space that all ponies seem to have, producing her invitation. My methods were much more mundane and I just pulled one of mine out of a pocket. His horn lit up and the two papers flew on over as Octavia and I stepped further inside, out of the door. As we walked up, I pulled the hood back, revealing my magnificent face for all to see.

“Hm. Sir Navarone and Miss Octavia. Both of you have quarters provided. Sir Navarone, you already have a number of letters waiting for you, I do believe. Miss Octavia, you have three. If you give me a moment, I will gather them up and find somepony to show you to your rooms.”

“I don’t need the rooms I have set aside,” I answered, idly cracking my knuckles. The stallion seemed to flinch at each little pop. “I’m staying somewhere else.”

“Very well...” Even though he was flinching, he made a mark on one of the papers in front of him. “Where are you staying? You will need a new address for any future correspondence.”

“An airship docked in the river. It’s called Second Chance.”

“Then that is where your new mail will be sent. I will go to collect what you already have, anyway. One moment.” There at the end of that, his voice started getting somewhat higher and more aggravated.

“I think you might have upset him,” Octavia commented when he went to a back room.

“He’ll get over it. Hell, I figured a place like Stalliongrad would breed ‘em strong. Sure did in my world.”

“Oh? You have a Stalliongrad there?”

“Nah. It’s called Stalingrad. Or rather, it was called that. I think it has a new name now, but I wasn’t a fan of geography. Long story short, there was a massive, massive war and the heaviest fighting took place in that city. It’s a pretty dark tale, but the people in that city and from the rest of that country killed fourteen out of every fifteen of the enemy soldiers in the entire war. Given that several million died, it’s no small achievement.”

“That’s... ghastly. And it gives this city a horrifying history, at least in my mind.”

“Just don’t think about it, then. That’s what I do.” After all, I’m one of the few that knows this city is actually built on the ruins of that ancient battleground. For the motherland, bitches.

The front desk guy came back out then, sparing me any more failings at being a normal human being that’s good at small talk. Two sheaves of letters followed in his wake, held up by his magic. A pegasus also followed behind him, joining the guy at the front desk. “Here is your correspondence, as well as a map and a list of public events,” he intoned, flying one bundle each to the two of us. “And this is your guide, Miss Octavia,” he added, nodding at the pegasus. “If you have any baggage, he will assist you with it.”

“It’s all on the ship... But that won’t be hard to find, once I get situated.” She turned to me. “Well Navarone, once again it has been a pleasure. If we somehow don’t meet again before you depart, know that it was an honor having known you. And should we never meet again... Well, that would certainly be a shame and something I would regret.”

“Same. But I doubt this is the end for us just yet. Vinyl will probably find some way to get us all together before I leave. If she doesn’t, I might.”

That got her to smile. “True enough. The two of you do seem to be good at finding solutions... Though I thought you hated goodbyes?”

“I do, when they’re bitter. Until we meet again, dear.”

The three of us went outside and the guide began leading Octavia away as I pulled the hood back up. To her credit, she left without a backwards glance, giving me ample opportunity to get an eyeful. However, I didn’t want to block the door for longer than necessary, so I started walking the opposite way after a few seconds. Ames and Spike fell in behind me.

“So where to now?” Spike asked. “Back to the ship?”

“Maybe. First we find a secluded spot so I can look over the information I got. There are a few guests of interest that I want to see before we leave.” Well, two of them, anyway.

“Will that do?” the naga asked, pointing to an out-of-the-way alley.

“Hell no. Last time I went into an alley, I almost got murdered.”

“And this time, I am here,” he said, adjusting his sword belt.

I shrugged and ducked into the relatively clean alley. Spike followed me in while Ames stood at the front, making sure it stayed private.

“So what did you get?” Spike asked.

“Papers. Look over the map and the schedule, see if there’s anything interesting,” I said, passing the relevant materials to him. As he started looking over that stuff, I flipped through the letters. There was one from Bloodbeak, Chrysalis, Asterion of the minotaurs, a journalist company, three from ‘party officials’, and one from the governor of Stalliongrad. Since I knew none of those were likely overly pressing, I went from least important to most important.

The letter from the governor was a standard welcome letter, which was tossed aside. The three party official letters were just invitations to various private functions, all folded up and put aside for later. The journalist guys wanted an interview, so I just crumpled that one up and tossed it away.

Asterion’s letter was... creepy. “Oh great Forerunner, your presence is requested in our humble quarters! Had we known sooner that you graced the world, we would have given you the deification you so deserved sooner. Sadly, our ignorance stopped us from saving you from a life of hardship. But it need do so no longer, now that I know of you. Come home, Forerunner. Come home where you belong.”

“...Huh. Spike, remind me to tell Doppel that I have a job for her.”

“Okay. What kind of job?”

“Spying. Now let’s see what my beautiful bug queen wants.”

“...Beautiful? You get hit on the head or something?”

“Always tell women they’re beautiful, Spike. Especially if they’re not. And if they’re extremely powerful, you better be willing to prove you think so.”

“Hmph. I don’t think I want anything to do with Chrysalis, personally.”

“That’s nice,” I replied, opening her letter. “She’s a lot of fun and I quite enjoyed my time with her.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, going back to looking at the schedule as I read the letter.

“Dearest Navarone, sir no longer! I’ve heard the news from Canterlot, though who can say they haven’t by now? So the lovely Princess Luna has gone mad while the benevolent and caring Celestia hid her dark deeds from all. How... expected. I couldn’t even find myself surprised when I learned that you were the victim, my poor friend. It seems that loyalty is a thing that is punished in the land of ponies rather than encouraged. Tell me, have you thought further on my offer? We changelings have never had a king before. Consorts aplenty, yes, but a true king? Well... it would be an experience that I believe I would rather enjoy.”

I lowered the letter, my eyes going unfocused as I thought. You know... it really is tempting. Get a few elementals free and let them do the rest. With that in motion, I could truly be a king. A puppet, sure, but a puppet with power and influence.

“But she would never love you,” Flo whispered, making me blink. “I believe we both know that Chrysalis is incapable of love. You would be a king... but you would be lonely. Servants aplenty and a long life to go with it, but would it truly be worth it when all that surround you are mindless changelings?”

“Bah.” I folded her letter back up and put it away, moving on to Bloodbeak’s.

His was short and simple. “Meet me at the Broken Unicorn Tavern as soon as you read this. - BB.”

“...Why would he use initials if this thing is signed and stamped with his seal?” I mused aloud, checking the back for any possible extra info.

“What was that?” Spike asked, looking up.

“Nothing. Do you see a place called the Broken Unicorn Tavern on that map?”

“Uh...” His eyes quickly scanned over the map again before he nodded. “Yeah. It looks like that’s the center of the griffin section of the party.”

“That’s where we’re going, then.” I gently put the letters in some pockets in order of importance, making sure not to crease any of them overly much on accident. Spike handed me the schedule and the map as we joined Ames at the head of the alley and the other two papers joined the letters in my pockets. “Naga, I need you to go back to the ship and give a letter and some instructions to Doppel. Spike and I are going to continue into the city.”

“...Are you sure that is wise?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. “You said before that you might have enemies. Would you care to risk yourself like this?”

“I’ll be fine. Spike is enough to keep most people away and the hint of steel at my side will do well for the rest. We’ll look like two mercs or friends looking for a contract, nothing more.”

“So be it, though I call it foolish. What am I to give your pet?”

“...You mean Doppel, right?”

“Even mindless dogs have more going for them in terms of intelligence than the seeking of blind pleasure.”

“Just checking.” I dug out the letter from the minotaurs and handed it to him. “Give her that and tell her to find the minotaurs and do some very discreet digging about the forerunners. I don’t want her to make a scene and I definitely don’t want her to pretend to be me.”

“I will tell her, then. Where will you be?”

“First stop is with the griffins, at a place called the Broken Unicorn Tavern. I’m sure you can find either a map or directions if you need them. If we’re done there before dark, we’ll hit up the changeling district. Otherwise, we’ll come right back. I don’t want to be in the open past nightfall.”

“Good. I would hate to have to hunt you down.”

“I’m not a child, naga. I don’t mind being protected, but I won’t be coddled or mistrusted.”

“Of this I am aware, human. However, you attract trouble and I gave my word that I would protect you. If something were to happen to you and I couldn’t help... I would be remiss in my duty and my life would be worth little.”

“Then let’s hope that doesn’t happen. Come on, Spike.” He jumped to follow me as the two of us set off down the road, leaving Ames to go the other way toward the ship.

“You know, I could have just gone back instead,” Spike nervously said as he caught up to me, his scaled feet leaving loud scraping noises on the cobblestones.

“I know, Spike.” Truth be told, I didn’t want to risk letting him wander alone in the city. Oh, I knew that he wasn’t a complete fool, but at the same time, he wasn’t quite wise to the world. There was little that could happen in a pony city, but it’s better not to chance things, I’ve found. “I don’t like feeling like a kid, though. Although... do you even remember the way back to the ship?”

He was silent for a few seconds, so I turned to look at him. He was looking around, his brows furrowed. “Oh, horseapples...” he sighed. “Where are we?”

“Yeah, that’s what I figured. The naga is good at that stuff. He’ll get back safe and sound. And we have a map, so there’s no problem there.”

“What if we lose the map?”

“Then I fucking fly us back. We’re not going to get lost, Spike.”

“But... but you’re not even looking at the map!”

“Yeah, I know. I got the basic gist of it down in my head.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want to... check?”

“Hah! Yeah, I’m fucking with you.” I pulled it out and unfolded it, passing it to him. “I’m not about to risk getting lost in this fucking place. Keep it handy and guide us there.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and took a look at the map for a few seconds before scratching his head. “So uh... where are we?”

“Have you never used a map before? Look at the street signs!”

“I’ve never been in a big city,” he replied, blushing and looking up from the map. When he found the signs, he looked back down and nodded. “Alright. Let’s go!” He took the lead, since I know that most dragons are prideful and generally refuse to follow someone without a very good reason. This looked a lot more natural and it gave him the feeling that he was doing something important.

And of course, it gave me free reign to look out for any trouble that might have been coming, trouble that an innocent dragon might have missed.

We made it to the tavern without incident. Two of the griffin royal guards were standing guard at the door in. There weren’t many ponies or any other races passing by, so they were fully able to stare at us as we walked up to the door. “Tavern open for business?” I asked, not pulling my cowl back.

“Depends on your business,” one of the guards answered. “I don’t think any of the patrons inside care for mercenaries.”

“Even one with a signed letter from a king?”

Both of their eyes narrowed and before I could react, one jerked forward, knocking my hood back to reveal my smiling face. “Don’t play games with us, ape,” the fellow said, returning to his position. “Enter. The dragon waits.”

“Either he comes in with me or neither of us go in. I won’t make my friends wait in the cold.”

The other guard rolled his eyes and looked to his friend. “Don’t be so dramatic.” His gaze turned back to me. “Both of you, go in. Though I imagine the king will only be interested in talking to you, Navarone. There has been... an incident.”

“Now you see, that’s not a good sign. Any details on what I’m walking into?”

“I’m afraid not. Orders are orders.”

“Yeah, I know all about that... Come on, Spike. It’s about time you got to try mead.”

“Oh boy! Wait, what’s mead?”

“Heheh...” I led the way into the bar, leaving the hood down now that we were in a safe territory. A few more guards were sitting inside, but I didn’t see the king. Every single person, even the griffin barkeeper, looked up when we walked in.

“King’s upstairs,” one of the older guards said, standing up. “I trust that’s who you’re here for, Navarone.”

“Sure is. He mind me just going up?”

“Leave your weapons here and he won’t. And leave your dragon as well.”

“Always leave it to a king to be paranoid of even a friend. Very well.” I walked over to an empty table and tossed my cloak aside, revealing my assortment of weapons. The rifle slid right off my shoulder and gently onto the top of the table. My two spare magazines joined it there. My sword joined it a moment later, pulled out of the sheath so I didn’t have to remove the entire belt. A few daggers and knives were swiftly added to the pile until I had no weapons left on me. “Spike, watch over these. You know their value.”

“You got it, Nav! So uh... what’s mead?”

With that, I pulled my coin pouch off and set it on the table as well before turning to the bartender. “Introduce him to it, would you? Just don’t get him too far gone; he has to walk tonight.”

“A word of warning, human,” the barkeep said. “We don’t officially have any.”

“We won’t say a word.” He nodded and reached for a mug as I went up the stairs into what almost became the last meeting I ever had.

There was just one more guard between me and the king. “Need to check you for weapons before letting you see him,” he said. “And I also need to check your blood. Just in case.”

“Understandable. Go for the blood first so you don’t waste your time patting me down if I’m a changeling.” He nodded and poked my arm with one of his talons hard enough to draw blood.

While I don’t think he was expecting dark amber to gently push out, it wasn’t the green he didn’t want to expect. “Clear on that front. Arms out, legs open.” I stretched my arms and widened my legs for him. After a very quick pat down that consisted of being molested until I explained I didn’t have a sheath for my dick, he let me in. At least he was relatively gentle with his talons. Not gently enough for me to leave a tip, but you know.

“Ah, Navarone!” The king definitely seemed happy to see me, but he wasn’t happy enough to get off his couch. “I knew you’d get that letter quickly. Sit, sit.”

I snagged the chair across from him and leaned back as far as I could. “I figured it was some kind of emergency, the way it was worded.”

“I wouldn’t say emergency, but it is something that I want your opinion on. After we talk about something less pressing, though.”

“Well, I could use some advice if you think you can give it.”

“Excellent. That gives us an even discourse. My first subject is my daughter, Gilda. “ Uh oh. “It seems that you spent considerably less time courting her than I thought, Navarone. For as long as she stayed there, she had absolutely nothing to say about you in any romantic sense.”

“She uh... wasn’t interested in that from me, I don’t believe.”

“Yes, I’m well aware,” he drily answered. “However, that isn’t to say I disapprove. What you seemed to have taught her will likely be of just as much use as your hand in marriage would have been. If not more, that is. Already she has revolutionized dozens of fields of thought, sending numerous enterprises skyrocketing. After all that you’ve done for us, I might well be remembered as the king that heralded in a golden age for griffins everywhere. Well, assuming it continues to go well.”

“So you aren’t mad that I didn’t marry her?”

“Not mad, no. Disappointed, maybe, but trust me when I say that I know how difficult she can be to get along with. Gilda is not interested in love or males. She wants and wanted knowledge. And knowledge you gave her. I suppose I can settle for her being happy in another way, though I’d honestly prefer more grandchildren.”

“You... wouldn’t have gotten those from us anyway.”

“Fair point, I suppose. Though I’ve heard it said that anything is possible with magic. If such would be the case, I imagine gold would hire a unicorn to assist the two of you.”

“Well, it wasn’t to be.”

“So it seems. That’s enough of my daughter, I suppose. Tell me, what advice did you want?”

“Another side to the same coin. Advice about women.”

“Oh my... I can certainly attempt to help you, but I married for politics. True, we did fall in love before she passed away, but such is a rare event. Tell me your troubles, Navarone.”

“Alright. First, do you know the news about Luna?”

“I have... heard things, yes. I didn’t want to pry and truth be told, I didn’t want to believe what I heard.”

“Well, it’s true. Luna mistreated me harshly and Celestia helped cover it up. So that’s why Luna’s completely out of the running and why I’ll be abandoning Equestria for some time. But when I get back, I might have some choices to make.”

“My my my... How the mighty have fallen. So the rumors of the night princess’s imprisonment?”

“Are true, as far as I’ve heard. The night guards are prosecuting the case as strongly as they possibly can to save face. And Shining Armor has been looking for evidence of corruption for some time. But that’s all beside the point. Say you were relatively affluent and well-accepted in a number of nations. You’re looking to settle down with a nice female and you’re trying to decide who. Would you go with the one that wouldn’t love you but would give you the most power and wealth, the one that seems to care for you, is a lot of fun to be around, and is rich and powerful as well, but hurt you severely in the past, or would you find a different option?”

“I imagine I know those two. Who are they?”

“Chrysalis is offering to make me king and Celestia would be willing to give dating a try.”

“Neither. By my feathers, I would sooner take a badger to bed than either of them! Discounting my hate of changelings in general, Chrysalis is a heartless monster that cares nothing for the feelings of others. She wants power and adoration, nothing more. Celestia is more crafty than a snake and more cunning than a fox. She may seem fun, but I very much imagine she’s just as incapable of love as Chrysalis. Both are ancient, Navarone, over three thousand years old at least. They have more life experience than you likely ever will, even if you do live to be their ages. It would take a fool to think he could tame either of them, let alone even understand one.”

“...Fair points. I never expected Chrysalis to love me, though. I just figured it would be interesting to be a king.”

“You are both wrong and right. Yes, there are interesting events and it can be exhilarating at times. However, normally it is incredibly boring. And you know Chrysalis. She would not let you do a thing of importance. It is her kingdom.”

I slowly nodded, realizing that he was definitely right. “Third option it is. I suppose I’ve done stranger things than hunt for true love.”

“Probable. Is that all the advice you needed?”

“I doubt it, but that’s all I can think to ask about. So tell me, what’s this big incident your guards mentioned? And what’s with all the security? I thought you trusted me more than this.”

“I thought I could,” he sighed, standing. I didn’t move as he began to pace back and forth, side to side, in front of me. “Tell me, do you know the catfolk woman Katrina?”

“Yeah. Another one I had bad experiences with. Why?”

“I don’t suppose you happen to know her career?”

“I know she works with her government. Don’t know what she does, but I can take a guess.”

He stopped and snorted, turning his head to face me. “If your guess involves spying and assassination, you would be spot on.” With that out of the way, he continued his pacing.

“That... would have been my first guess, yes. She’s fairly sociopathic, in continuing my trend of attracting those that are. She also happens to be a trained assassin.”

“I am aware. Her latest target was my daughter.”

I was on my feet before I even realized it. “Is she okay? God, I’ll hunt that whore down and kill her!”

“Sit!” The ferocity in his voice was enough for me to comply, giving me the hint that there was more going on than I realized. “Gilda is fine. This... Katrina decided to come to me with the information instead of acting on it. That is why Gilda is not at this party hunting for more suitors. Well, one of the reasons.”

“Well, that’s... Who told her to do it?”

“If she had given us a name, we would already be at war. I happen to have a rogue unicorn in my court that searched her mind for us. She was working through an intermediary, someone not directly connected to anyone important. But that raises an interesting point... Who would want my Gilda dead? And the better question, why?”

“The technology is the only thing I could think of.”

“That is my assumption as well. But then, there is a single person outside of my royal family that knows what Gilda is doing with the technology.” Flo hissed a warning far, far too late for me to stop the sharp object I could suddenly feel pressed against my throat. Bloodbeak stopped his pacing and turned fully to me. “So that means either you hired the assassin or you told someone something that you absolutely shouldn’t have.”

“You know I wouldn’t betray you like that! But she came to me when I was injured, when I had many guests. Anyone in my household that knew of the laptop knew she was learning from it and any number of my guests could have realized something was going on. They could have spread the news anywhere. I’ve been a friend to you, Bloodbeak. There’s no need for this!”

“Oh, I doubt there is. But a fellow’s voice tends to have a much higher ring of truth to it when his life is on the line. You know the assassin and have a history with her. You know my daughter and you have a history with her.”

“Why would I want Gilda dead? True, we didn’t get along very well, but I willingly helped her when I could have told her to leave. I didn’t spread that technology only to stop it by killing the one responsible! Shit, it was probably someone wanting to discredit me! All signs point to me, but I don’t have a reason to do it. You get irrationally angry at me and cause an incident to capture or kill me. With how things are in Equestria right now... There’s no telling what might come of it!”

“Hm. An interesting thought. And honestly, you would have no reason to harm Gilda. And after what we just spoke of... Release him.” The sharp object pushing against me pulled away. I very dearly wanted to look back to see who was back there, but I couldn’t afford to look scared or nervous at this point. “I need to know who did this, Navarone. I don’t and didn’t think it was you, but you understand that I had to be sure.”

I rubbed at my neck, wondering if even Flo and my blood could save me from a bloody smile. “...Yeah. Three guesses about who tried to have her killed. Chrysalis, Celestia, or Luna. Chrysalis, to stop the flow of technology. She has her own source and wants to corner the market. Celestia also has a source, but she would likely want revenge on me. Luna would just want revenge. After what I’ve done to the two of them, I imagine all bets are off with how far they might want to go.”

Now, what I was absolutely not expecting was Kat to walk up next to me, putting one of her soft paws on my shoulder. “And of course, you forget that someone could want her dead for an entirely different reason.”

I did my best to hide the surprise I felt when she showed up. “True... They may just want revenge against you, Bloodbeak. Not everyone in your kingdom is overly happy with your government change. The nobility probably doesn’t quite like it since they lost most of their power. And then there was your cousin, the one you threw in prison. He might have had a few friends.”

“In my admittedly limited experience, assassinations do not happen solely for revenge,” Bloodbeak replied, walking back to his couch and sagging onto it. “I am far, far too old to be dealing with this... Katrina, how might we track this intermediary you dealt with?”

“You can’t. That’s the point of using an intermediary. The only clients I accept hits from are professionals. Whoever it is would not leave a hint.”

“So it’s impossible to figure out who did it?” I asked.

“Essentially, yes,” Kat answered. “And I really hope that offer of a place on your boat is still open, Navarone. I... need to get away. Quickly. Clients do not like betrayal.”

Bloodbeak answered before I could. “You have asylum in my kingdom, Katrina. You will be protected as best as we are able.”

“Which won’t be nearly enough, I fear. I’ve now made enemies with five criminal cabals. Two are all but annihilated at this point, but all still have enough teeth to bite. I won’t be safe anywhere but on the move. And even then...”

“What kind of danger are you talking about?” I asked. “I’m not certain I want anyone like that on my boat.”

“Leaving a message is pointless if all those that might spread it are dead. If anyone comes for me, they would come for me alone.”

“Then yeah, the offer still stands.” With that confirmation, she smiled and immediately hopped into my lap, hugging me.

“Thank you thank you!” Of course, her paws quickly found their way to my wings.

Bloodbeak smiled at her antics. “Maybe you found your third choice.”

“Hell no. Do you need anything else?”

“A question. You mentioned you were leaving Equestria and she mentioned a boat. What exactly are your plans?”

“I decided to travel the world. So I hired an airship, a crew, some mercenaries, and will be leaving after the party.”

“Ah, to be young again... You couldn’t do this if you were a king, Navarone. Too many obligations. And a shame, too. There are dark corners of the world left unexplored, corners I and many others would love to uncover. Well, I wish you the greatest of luck in your journey, Navarone. And should we never meet again... May peace guide you. It feels strange for a griffin to say, but I have found the peace to my liking in this old age.”

I casually tossed Kat out of my lap, barely noticing as she landed on her feet, and stood up. The old griffin met me halfway as my hand and his talon met in a tight grasp. “And may peace stay with you, my friend,” I said, shaking his talon. “God knows you’ve earned it. Keep an eye on Gilda, too. They tried once and they might try again.”

“My best troops are watching her even now. She is and will remain safe.”

“Good. Then until next time, Bloodbeak.” I let his weathered talons go and started backing to the door.

“If there is one,” he sighed, and I took that as my cue to go. Kat quietly slipped out after me and padded next to me as we went down to the common room. As soon as we were out of sight, I heard the guard open Bloodbeak’s door and step inside.

When we got down to the common room, we beheld Spike emptying a frighteningly large schooner of mead into his gullet. I facepalmed just in time to miss the massive fiery belch erupting from his mouth. I could feel it even from where I was, though, and I could hear the exultations of the guards as they congratulated him.

“Is that Spike?” Kat asked, crossing her arms.

“Yes...” Fucking hell, they got him drunk.

“Wow, he’s really grown. I might have to... Hm.”

“Spike, time to go,” I said as I walked over to the table with my weapons.

“But I’m just getting started!” He didn’t sound too slurred, which was a good sign.

“And you’re also just getting finished,” I replied, putting weapons back onto my body. “Barkeep, no more for him. God knows he’ll be troublesome enough now.”

“You got it,” the fellow said, making Spike cross his arms and huff. “Anything for you, or are you closing the tab?”

“I’m closing it.” With the last weapon in place, I let the cloak fall back over everything important. “How much?”

“Eh, I’ll say ten bits. This stuff isn’t exactly easy to keep hidden.”

I shrugged and pulled ten coins out of the wallet thing. “Simple enough.” The barkeep hopped over the empty bar and flapped his wings once to land right in front of me. The bits changed hands and I grabbed Spike, dragging him out of the bar. Thankfully, he didn’t bother trying to fight back. “You just had to go and get drunk,” I muttered as I slowly guided him down the road.

Flo giggled. “This is your fault you know, Nav.”

“It’s not my fault he’s a lightweight!”

Much to my surprise, I felt a weight jump on my back and grab me from behind. “Who are you talking to?” Kat asked.

“The voices in my head. Now let go.”

“But you’re warm!”

“Spike is warmer. Fucker’s a dragon.”

“...Oh yeah.” She pounced from my back to his and then immediately slid off. “Ooh, too many spines.” After saying that, her head swung to me and she stopped moving. “Is... that pink pony here?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, thank the sands... So, where are we going?”

“Spike and I are going to the changeling district. If you have a hit on you, you’re not going with us.”

“So where am I going, then?”

“Get all your stuff together and meet us on the ship, I suppose. It’s called Second Chance, set up on the docks. You might have some trouble getting on board. If you need to, just wait for me and I’ll tell them you’re cool.”

“I have some... business to attend to while I’m here anyway. I can take care of it quickly then get to the ship later tonight.”

“Cool. But don’t go dragging any blood on my ship. If I find out that you killed someone tonight and you’re using my boat to get away from the law, you’re out. It’s one thing to run from a criminal hit. Another thing entirely to run from the law.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, my precious little birdie. If all goes well, I won’t shed any blood this night.”

“Then all had better go well. You know where the docks are?”

“Yeah. I’ll find your ship.”

“Good. Spike, come on.” I pulled my hood up and started leading Spike away, waiting until we turned a corner to pull out the map. “You feel wobbly?” I asked him, studying the map and barely paying attention.

“Nah. I feel great! That mead stuff was awesome, man. You should have tried some!”

“I would much rather stay sober if I’m going to talk to Chrysalis.”

“Why would you want to go talk to her? Let’s go find a nice warm mare instead. I bet she’d be a lot more fun!”

“No. I have business with Chrysalis. And besides, you need to fuck a dragon, not a pony. It would be good for you.”

“That would be... awesome. Hey, didn’t you say... like, threesomes were possible? We should totally have one with another dragon!”

“Keep your voice down!” I hissed. “Bad enough we’re talking about this in public. I really don’t want another purifier poking his nose in my business!”

“Ah, relax! They can’t prove anything and I’m a citizen of Equestria anyway.”

“That doesn’t mean you should advertise what you plan! We’ll find some dragons tomorrow, when you’re sober.”

“Nah dude, there’s some right there!” He pointed ahead of us, where three familiar dragons were crossing the road. “And whoa! She’s hot!”

He started walking toward them, but stopped in his tracks with my hand around his tail. I really didn’t want him to meet Kumani while he was fucking drunk. It just wouldn’t end well.

However, he didn’t seem to agree. “Let go, dude!” His tail yanked rather hard on my arms, pulling me around to the front of him.

Knowing that I couldn’t keep hold of him that way, I grabbed his shoulders. “Spike, trust me: You really, really don’t want to meet someone like this, not when you’re drunk. I know from experience that it’s a bad idea.”

For some reason, he smirked. “I think they disagree.”

My eyes went wide as a claw wrapped around my throat from behind, pulling me off the ground and away from Spike. “Is there a reason you’re accosting one of us?” Kumani asked from right behind me. The surprise on Spike’s face as I was pulled away from him like that was probably mirrored on mine from being held like that.

However, I reacted faster, shooting my unique wings out from under the cloak, also serving to reveal my one-of-a-kind sword. The form behind me gasped and quickly pulled the hood back, not letting go of my throat until she saw just who it was that she was holding. When she did, my feet quickly hit the ground and I stumbled into Spike, trying to catch my breath. This time, it was his arms that went around my shoulders, steadying me.

“Hell of a welcome,” I croaked after a few seconds.

“You alright?” Spike asked, making an effort to look into my eyes.

One of Kumani’s claws patted my shoulder. “Sorry about that, Nav,” she said, pulling me away from Spike’s light grasp and against her chest.

“No problem,” I said, massaging my throat and ruffling my feathers against her smooth scales. “If I wanted to be identified, I wouldn’t have been in that cloak.”

“Hm... So who’s your friend?”

“This is Spike. Spike, this is Kumani.”

Kumani just looked him up and down. Spike, though... Well, he said, “Hi... You’re really pretty.”

I facepalmed and sighed. “He’s drunk,” I said by way of explanation.

“So uh... do you know what a threesome is?” Spike asked. I immediately kicked him in the shin and he started jumping up and down, massaging it.

“I can certainly tell,” she said, rather unamused. “He does not need to be in public in his... state.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to think the same thing. I’ll get him back now.”

“No, no. These two will take care of that,” she quickly said, her grip on my shoulder tightening. “Take him back to... Where are you staying?” she asked me.

“A boat on the docks called Second Chance. And he better get back unharmed. I will be... most displeased if he gets hurt.”

“They’ll be gentle. You two understand?” she asked. Neither of the guys she had seemed to like it, but they both nodded, each grabbing Spike under one of his arms and shooting off into the sky.

With the road clear but for the two of us—the ponies quickly decided leaving was a good idea when Kumani grabbed me around the throat—she whipped me around and lifted me up, violently kissing me. This continued the vein of things that surprised me. If she hadn’t been holding my arms, I would have wrapped them around her, but as it was, I just leaned into the kiss, voicing my approval that way.

It didn’t last very long, either way. She pushed me away, sucking her tongue back in with an amusing schlicking noise. “I missed you,” she said with a little smile.

“Same,” I said, trying to figure out what just happened. “It’s been a hell of a year. Also, can you put me down?”

She did so almost reluctantly. When I was finally back down, I pulled the hood back on and made sure my wings were fully hidden. “So what’s with the getup?” she asked.

“That ‘one hell of a year’ ended with me... making a few waves. I’m in somewhat of a hurry to leave Equestria before I get recognized by too many people.”

“Oooh, you break a few laws?”

“Nope. What happened isn’t important, but I’m not in trouble with the law.” Well, not technically, given who writes the laws. “Either way, I really don’t want to be on the streets for longer than necessary. I need to go see Chrysalis. You know where my ship is, whenever you want to find me again.”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “No, no. I’m going with you. After all, if you made one of these little ponies unhappy... Well, I’m not about to let something happen, not if I could stop it.”

Ugh, another one. “Whatever. Let’s go.” I started walking back down the path Spike and I had been going, but she stopped me.

“We have wings, you know.”

“Yes, but I don’t want many people knowing I’m in the city. And I’m the only thing out there that’s bipedal with feathery wings that also wears clothing all the time. Someone sees me in the air, they’ll know immediately what I am.”

...I didn’t like that grin on her face. A few seconds later, I realized why I didn’t. “Just like old times, eh?” she asked as she cradled me in her arms and jumped into the air.

“Do you really hate walking that much?” I asked over the wind.

“You’re the one that said you didn’t want to be on the streets!” she said with a giggle.

Flo joined her in giggling. “She has you there. Just relax and enjoy the flight, Nav.”

“Bah.” At least she was warm. Though her holding me as she was allowed my cloak to keep me plenty warm as well. Fucking Russian weather, man.

The good news about flying was that we got there very quickly. The bad news is that everyone in the street where she landed saw her let me down, though I don’t think any knew what exactly I was. She wasn’t having any of those stares, though. “What?” she rather unpleasantly demanded, glaring around at the ponies around us. They were all smart enough to just keep walking. “That’s what I thought,” she muttered, one of her arms draping itself around my shoulder. “So where we goin’?” she asked me, pulling me close.

“Into the lair of Chrysalis. As soon as I find it on the map.” It came free from my pocket easily enough and I unfolded the part that was relevant to the changeling section. From the look of it, she was in just another random building, which I thought somewhat odd. After quickly examining the surrounding area, I walked up to one of the buildings on our right, one that had two nondescript ponies standing out front in nonchalant positions. “Egg, larva, foal,” I calmly said to them as I pulled back my hood.

One of the two rapped his hoof on the door three times and it opened, a hint of mist escaping the building’s inner confines. “Whoa,” Kumani whispered, following me into the darkness.

“It took me a lot of work to build up trust with these guys,” I quietly said. “So stay calm and don’t get baited into anything.”

“I’m not a hatchling,” she drily answered.

Knowing a reply would likely be unhealthy, I didn’t bother. Instead, I looked around, wondering just what exactly we were supposed to be doing in the chilly place. The building itself looked like a normal apartment complex, though the tenants were most definitely changelings. Several of them eyed the two of us as we walked further into the cold darkness.

“Hey uh... Where’s the queen?” I finally asked aloud, casting a gaze around and trying my best to not look nervous.

Every single one of the changelings smiled, showing off their fangs. My hand very slowly moved toward my sword as they began inching forward. “Hold!” A single word was enough to stop all the drones in their tracks. Kumani and I looked to the source to find an intelligentsia standing there. “Navarone, is it? Queen Chrysalis is downstairs, in the basement.” He pointed at a random drone. “Show them the way.”

All of the drones straightened up, pulling out of their attack mode. The one that was pointed out began walking past the others, down the hall. I shrugged and followed him. After a moment’s deliberation, Kumani joined us. The other drones went about their business of doing nothing.

“Think they could put a few lights up,” Kumani idly commented, looking around.

“It reminds them of home. There are no lights in changeling cities. Still, they could install a fucking heater,” I sighed, pulling the cloak around me tighter.

As it turns out, that last thing might not have been the smartest thing to say. Kumani stepped up right next to me and wrapped a wing around me, pulling me close. Now don’t get me wrong: She was really fucking warm. But I wasn’t entirely certain it would be wise to let Chrysalis know about any relationships I might be getting into.

Especially if she wants me to be her king. After that thought hit me, I surreptitiously slid on my ring.

When we got to the end of the hall, the drone kicked aside a rug, revealing a trap door. He then flipped a lid, opening a hole just the right size for the hoof he inserted. We heard a series of clicks before the hidden door slowly pulled open, keeping the changeling’s leg trapped. When I looked at the underside of the door, I saw that his hoof was trapped in some manner of lock, with each of the holes in it filled by some substance. As I watched, it retracted from his leg, releasing the drone to take his position back at the head of our small group.

He led the way down the stairs into a darkness that seemed alive, it pressed on us so. I could see the bare outlines of a few changelings in the complete darkness of the room. They watched the two of us walk by with barely restrained hunger in their eyes. A few of them might have been licking their lips...

Thankfully, we got to a room with what looked like a reinforced door quickly enough. Our guide tapped his hoof against the door once and then pulled back, waiting. It didn’t take long for a sliver of the door to open and a set of eyes to peek out of the lit room. “Who approaches the queen’s chambers?” the person behind the door asked.

“Tell her that Navarone is here,” I said.

The little eye hole closed and the door immediately opened, throwing a bright glow of electrical light into the otherwise dark room. “Enter,” the royal guard told us, stepping aside. The two of us did so while the drone went back to the staircase. After a few minutes in the dark, the newfound light was almost painful, even though the electricity that powered it was welcome.

Chrysalis wasn’t in the front room and there were two doors leading away from the rather opulent room we were in. “So uh... Where is she?” I asked one of the guards.

“In her bedroom waiting on you,” he answered. “The door to the right. Don’t keep her waiting.”

Since this room was actually heated, I pulled myself out of Kumani’s oppressive grasp and walked over to the door myself. Of course, she followed me, but it was the principle of the thing.

Since Chrysalis was apparently waiting on me, I just let myself on in and then immediately regretted that decision. “Hmmm. Hey there, big bo—You brought a dragon.” The first part was sensual, the second part was extremely disappointed. And I suppose I should point out that Chrysalis was sprawled out on the bed and making no attempt to cover herself at all. If I had to guess, I would say that she was just about to jump my bones.

It was at this point that I cursed myself for bringing Spike along instead of Ames. Nothing to do about it, though. “Yeah, I did. Is that a problem?” I asked, stepping further into the room. Kumani just stood at the door, folding her arms over her chest and glaring at the bug queen.

“Well... I suppose if she wants to share, it isn’t.” Even then, Chrysalis didn’t sound that amused. As if she knew the answer already, she sat up, making at least an attempt to cover her fun parts.

“I would not, thank you,” Kumani icily answered. “Why are we here again, Nav?”

Because I’m stupid. “I wanted to see a good friend. Is that so wrong?”

Kumani just snorted, leaving Chrysalis open to ask, “Did you consider my proposal? I imagine, after... recent events... you would be looking for a new place to stay.”

“I did consider it. And I have to say, I was very, very sorely tempted. However, I’m afraid that I have to refuse. As much as being a king would be interesting, I’m afraid that it isn’t something I find appealing enough to concede to.”

Her eyes narrowed and I was suddenly very happy that I had my ring on. Thankfully though, her horn didn’t light up. “So be it. When you change your mind, you know where I will be. Though I can’t promise the next offer will be as... fulfilling.”

“That is certainly a shame, Chrysalis. Is there anything else you need?”

A smile came to her face as she eyed Kumani. “Does your young friend here know what happened in Equestria yet, Navarone?”

“Dragons care little for the boring affairs of ponies,” I answered. “She doesn’t know and she isn’t interested.”

“Actually, I am,” Kumani said. “If it concerns you, it concerns me. I could find out what happened later, but why wait?”

“We really should be going,” I quickly said, jumping to the door. Kumani didn’t budge.

“Hm. It’s an interesting tale, really,” Chrysalis idly commented. “A tale of betrayal and sins most dire. Do you know of the princess of the night, Luna?” she asked.

“I’ve heard the name once or twice,” Kumani said.

“God dammit,” I sighed, running a hand down my face at the horror that was to come.

“It seems a certain princess had quite a fascination with our dear Navarone here. Her first deed involved accidental attempted murder. Her second one was more... purposeful. After that, it seems she gained a little crush on him, if the love poison was any indication. If you don’t know, that forces the victim to do nothing but love the first person they lock eyes with. When that failed, she got somewhat more forceful and raped him a few times. It was quite vile. And it all came to light rather recently, publicly admitted by the night princess herself.”

I don’t know which was worse. The somewhat mocking tone Chrysalis told that story in, the slowly gathering anger on Kumani’s face, or the feeling of dread in my stomach from what I knew was coming.

Kumani turned to me. “How much of that is true?”

“...All of it.”

She then turned back to Chrysalis. “Thank you for telling me, Queen Chrysalis. I don’t think Navarone ever would have.”

“Oh, it was my pleasure, dear. Is there anything else you two need?”

“We’ll be going,” Kumani answered for me, wrapping an arm and a wing around me. I just sighed as I was dragged from the room.

“I can walk, you know,” I morosely commented when we were back into the dark room.

“I know,” was her only answer.

When she opened the trapdoor and we got back to the main hallway, I said, “I have the strangest feeling that you’re upset with me.”

“I wonder what would give you that idea.”

Probably your tone of voice. And that you’re almost hurting me with how tight your grip is.

Flo whispered, “I don’t think exacerbating the problem is a good idea right now, Nav.”

When we finally got outside, it was just about night. “I should probably get back to the ship,” I said. “So if you could just let me go...”

“When were you going to tell me?” Kumani suddenly asked.

“Probably never. It doesn’t seem like something that’s important. So I had some problems in my past. Who doesn’t? It’s in the past and that’s that.”

“So why are you running from it?”

“I’m not. I got that bitch arrested. I’m just running from the fallout of getting a fucking princess arrested. I don’t want to deal with that kind of attention. Getting hounded by news reporters left and right sucks. And getting tons and tons of pity from everyone from going through a traumatic event is even worse. I just want to get over it and move on, but everyone’s treating it like such a big fucking deal. So can we please just forget about it?”

She took a deep, deep breath and very slowly let it out, releasing a cloud of hot steam into the air. When her lungs were empty, she let her grip on me drop and I staggered a few steps away. “Dragons are... jealous and possessive lovers, Navarone. I do not like hearing of others hurting you. If we’re going to... make this work, I’m going to have to try to deal with that.”

“Ask her right now,” Flo said. “Ask her if she wants to make it work.”

I slowly nodded and asked, “Do you want to make the attempt? I offered last year and I haven’t found anyone else. The offer still stands, if you’re interested.” And God help me for making it.

Silence took over between us as she thought. After nearly half a minute, she nodded. “Yes.”

I had a feeling that I was in for one very interesting trip.

Chapter Ninety-One—Soiree Part Two

Chapter Ninety-One—Soiree Part Two

As soon as a pit of nervousness settled into my stomach from her answer, she snatched me up in another hug, this one much more pleasant than when she was dragging me away from Chrysalis. “We can make it work,” she said happily, her tail worming around one of my legs. “Now... How about we go back to my place? I can think of quite an enjoyable way to consummate this new relationship...”

“As much as I would very much love to take you up on that, I have responsibilities on the ship that I have to take care of. If you give me a place to meet you, it shouldn’t take me long to deal with the stuff there and get back to you.”

“Or I could go with you. If we’re still leaving everything behind, it would be good for me to know what the ship looks like.”

“Fair enough, though I encourage you to spend your nights at your own place until it’s time to leave. I can’t imagine the ship will be too comfortable for you when sleeping.”

“If I’m cuddling with you, it can’t be that bad. Are the rooms there not built for someone of my... size?”

“Most of them aren’t, though the captain did have two much larger rooms installed in the cargo bay for you and the naga.” And any other passengers that might be their size, of course. “The rooms do have beds, but they aren’t that comfortable.”

“Hm. So there’s a naga going with us as well?”

“A lot more than that. Come on, let’s walk and talk. I really don’t like staying in one spot like this.” Especially since that spot is right next to the changeling’s main building.

“We could just fly right there, you know.”

“We could. Or I could tell you who all is on the boat before we get there, just in case. Besides, I really want to stretch my legs. I was stuck on that damn boat for two weeks coming here.”

“Alright...” She dropped the hug and matched my pace as I walked away from the changeling area, pulling my hood back up. Truth be told, the sooner I got away from that creepy place, the better. “So who all am I going to be meeting?”

“You already know about the naga. He’s my bodyguard and teacher. You met Spike earlier. He’s usually more reserved, but he’s never seen a female dragon your age before. He grew up with the ponies, so he’s pretty far out there for a dragon. Two changelings on board. One is Doppel, my maid and a professional spy. She’s kind of a slut. The other is... different. Eva, Poly, Mimeo, and Ganger all inhabit its mind, so there are four personalities in one body.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it’s really weird. They get along, though, so whatever. Then there’s Taya, my daughter. She—”

She grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face her. “You have a daughter?!”

“Adopted. I thought I told you about her already... Ah well. Yeah, she’s a unicorn. She... might not be so accepting, but she’ll come around.”

“I was certainly not expecting that,” she quietly said, letting me go. We continued walking.

“There’s a griffin named Gilda. She’s kind of a bitch, but she’s a useful one. She gives you trouble, just smack her around a bit. We have a zebra named Zecora, who is cursed to only talk in rhymes. She’s just with us to get to one of our destinations, but she’s good with medicine and the like, so I invited her to come along. I have a group of retired night guards from Equestria. They were specialists, well-trained and practiced in a number of things. Their leader is a unicorn named Watcher. The crew is made of unicorns, all rescued slaves that were used for fighting by pirates.” I’m going to regret this last part... “Oh, and Kat is also there.”

“Who?”

Thank God, she doesn’t remember. “An ex-assassin friend of mine. You’ll meet her. Might even like her, if you give her a chance.”

“Hm. So tell me, how did it happen that most of those you just told me about were girls?”

“So... do you remember how you said you’d be working on the jealousy issue?” Her eyes narrowed. “Hey, Watcher isn’t a chick! And I haven’t had sex with Zecora or Eva.”

“And the others?”

“I haven’t slept with any of the retired guards or any of the crew. And I definitely haven’t fucked Taya or Spike. The others... Well, I might have had sex with them.”

She quickly wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close. “Just think about how much simpler things are going to be now, Nav! All those girls after you... Well, now it’ll just be me! After I make sure they know, of course.”

“Hey, don’t threaten any of them. I’ll make it very clear that we’re together. If any of them continue advances after that, I’ll let you take care of them as you want, as long as you don’t actually hurt them.”

“That is not how things are usually handled by dragons...”

“How do you guys usually deal with it, then?”

“Both mates scare off their competitors by any means necessary. It can turn violent.”

“Huh. Do I have any competitors that I need to scare off?”

“Not really. There are a few that want me, but I wouldn’t give them the time of day even if you weren’t here. And none of them are going to know that we’re in a relationship. I really don’t want to deal with another of those Purifiers, after all.”

“So a secret relationship, then. Or at least, secret until we hit open air and leave this place behind. Then I suppose I won’t tell everyone we’re porking until we leave.”

“...Please never call sex that again.”

“You got it, babe. I don’t really like pigs that much either, honestly.”

“What does babe mean?”

“Human word for a girl we’re dating.”

“Hm. I don’t think you would appreciate being called a succulent little morsel...” she commented, her tail sneaking under my cloak to stroke my wings. “That term probably loses endearment when I could actually eat you.”

“As long as you mean it in jest, it wouldn’t bother me too much. Though I’d rather not have the size difference pointed out that much. Bad enough you’re bigger and stronger than I am. No need to throw it in my face.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she replied. “Though I quite like it. But I know you don’t, so I’ll at least try not to play with you too much.” Despite saying that, her tail was seriously starting to molest my wings, making them start twitching.

“Thanks for your consideration. Can you stop it with your tail? I don’t want a full wing-boner in public.”

“...Is that seriously what you call it?” she asked as her tail retracted.

“It fits. I get aroused and my wings shoot out. That’s a boner with wings.”

“Hm. I’m quite glad that we dragons don’t have that problem. Well, not entirely glad. I think my wings being an erogenous zone would be quite interesting. It would certainly make flying a more enjoyable experience.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason pegasi like flying so much. It is definitely a pleasurable experience.”

“Well, if you’re finished telling me about the crew, we could do it now... It would certainly be faster than walking.”

“...Are you going to carry me?”

“Only if you ask, sweetie.” Gotta get used to silly nicknames, I guess.

“If you really want to, I’ll let you carry me into the air. But when we get above the city, let me go. I just really don’t want to flash my wings on the streets just yet. But since it’s night out, less people will see me if we’re already up.”

She smiled widely, showing off her dangerously sharp teeth, and tore me from the ground, jumping up before I had the chance to even consider changing my mind. I wouldn’t have, but I suppose she just really liked carrying me.

When we got well above the skyline, I said, “Alright, let me go!” She hovered in the air, flapping her large wings a few times before positioning me in such a way that catching myself in the air would be easy. When she got me set up, she let me go.

I dove several meters before attempting to catch myself. It took me absolutely no time at all to realize that I was still wearing the ring. Thanking God that we were high enough, I yanked the fucker off and pulled off a dive that made it look like the severe loss of altitude was to pick up a lot of speed.

“You’re going to kill yourself if you keep doing that, Nav,” Flo warned.

Then start fucking reminding me that I have the ring on! She probably rolled her eyes at that.

Anyway, I certainly didn’t want to waste any time in the cool early spring air of fucking Stalingrad. And hell, the promise of a fun night with Kumani also sped my wings.

It didn’t take us long to get to the docks. We were pretty far away, but cities are so much smaller when you can fly. The two of us landed side by side right in front of the Second Chance. Ames was slithering across the deck, presumably doing the snakey version of pacing. Taya was sitting forlornly on the deck, staring down. A few crewmembers were dicking around. No one else was on the deck.

As soon as we landed, Ames looked over and nodded at me. I met his nod and started walking onto the deck. When Taya heard a new set of footsteps walking onto the deck, she looked up and immediately smiled. Then her horn lit up and I flew over to her for a hug.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving, daddy?” she quietly asked, her head next to mine.

“It was something I had to take care of quickly. I only had time to grab some stuff from my room before I had to leave.”

“Spike knew!”

“Because he was walking by my room at the time. Now can you put me down? I have someone to introduce to you.” Her magic pushed me away, but I could see in her eyes that she thought this wasn’t over. When I looked behind me, Kumani had already made her way onto the deck and the naga was watching her with suspicion. “Naga, Taya, this is Kumani. She’ll be joining us on our journey.”

“Greetings, dragon,” the naga said with another nod.

“Really, daddy? Another one? Do you really not have any male friends?”

“Taya, you can’t talk. Also, that’s rude.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I said the same thing,” Kumani offered with a shrug. “Nav here has just a few too many females in his life.”

“Well now, that’s certainly an opinion,” I said, crossing my arms. “But not important. Naga, is Spike here?”

“Yes. I tossed a bucket of river water in his face and then dragged him to bed.”

“Good enough. You didn’t leave him face up, did you?”

“I didn’t bother putting him on the bed. He was face down when I left.”

“Good. And Doppel?”

“She left as soon as I told her what you wanted her to do.”

“Excellent. Did you see a cat anywhere around here?”

“...A what?”

“Eh, I’ll introduce you when she shows up. Do you know if the captain is on the ship?”

“He is, though I believe he’s busy.”

“What about Watcher, then?”

“He followed Doppel.”

“Fuckin’... Whatever. If you see him before I do, tell him that we might be leaving early unless he can find a good blacksmith quickly. Kumani and I are heading back out, but I should return before morning.”

“Can I go?” Taya quickly asked.

“We’re flying. I don’t want to be on the streets after dark and I definitely don’t want you on them. But I should be back sometime tonight.”

“I can make wings!”

I sighed and said, “Look, Taya, we’re about to go have really kinky sex. I’ll be back when we’re done.” It would take a woman or a gay man to name the correct shade of red that her face turned when she heard that. “Naga, guard the ship. Kumani, let’s go.” Given that Taya was still surprised as fuck, she didn’t try to stop me from spreading my wings and taking off.

Kumani followed a few seconds later. “Nav, are you… sure you should have told your daughter that?”

“No. I’m just a terrible fucking father. She’d keep bothering me about it for a while if I hadn’t done that, though. It’s either tell the truth or tell her that she just can’t come when she’s perfectly able to. I’d rather be honest about why she can’t rather than just saying that she can’t. Now where are we going?”

“Honesty is not always the best policy…” I just rolled my eyes. “Fine. Follow me. I suppose I shouldn’t make you lie to your daughter…”

That was a really fun night. When she finally got to sleep, I snuck out her window and flew back to the ship. She knows about my condition, of course, so she hardly expected me to stay with her all night. It wasn’t like running away after a one night stand, I promise.

“It says something about you, that this is the first thing your mind came to,” Flo whispered. For the record, her opinion was not requested.

When I got back to the ship, the naga, a few night guards, and a single crewman were on deck. “Naga, go to bed.”

“After a word. You need to take your daughter into the city at least once before we leave. Show her that you trust her and spend time with her.”

“Alright. Now go to bed.” Without another word, he turned and slithered to the stairs leading into the ship. I took the position he had been guarding and pulled my rifle off my back to fiddle with it. Lacking much else to do, I lifted the rifle up to peer at the city through the scope. There wasn’t all that much to see given how dark it was, but everyone that I would have bothered spending much time with was asleep and I didn’t have anything else to do.

What I wasn’t expecting to see was a glowing eye looking at me from the other side. “What’s this thing?” Kat asked, poking at the rifle. Every single night guard on the deck immediately jerked their heads our way and jumped to surround her.

“Relax, guys,” I quickly said, slinging the rifle over my shoulder. “This is Kat, the newest addition of our crew. Kat, you should know better than to sneak onto a ship with guards like that.”

“Oh, I do. I just like surprises.”

“Whatever. Tell these guys how you did it so we can make sure no one else repeats that.”

“It was fairly simple. Most of you are watching the gangplank and the air. No one was watching the ship next to this one and that one didn’t have any guards. So I just climbed aboard that ship and got from it to here.”

The guards shared looks before shrugging. “Alright,” I said. “If you can think of any other possible security breaches, let me or Watcher know. I’ll introduce you to him later. For now, you should probably get to bed.”

She nodded and stretched, showing off her lithe and admittedly sexy body. “Yeah… You want to join me?”

“Nope.” I’m extremely disappointed to say that everyone on the deck actually flinched back in surprise at that. “Dammit, I’m not that much of a slut! Go find a room with nothing in it and get some sleep.”

“Simple enough. I will need to get some supplies in town tomorrow, though, and since you won’t let me break the law, I’m afraid that I have no way of getting money…”

“I’ll arrange something, but if you need anything actually made, expect it done cheaply for now. We are definitely not staying past the party and we might be leaving sooner.”

“I’ll make sure of it.” With that, she wandered away, heading belowdecks.

All the guards looked up at me. “Are you sure about her, sir?” one asked.

“I’m fairly sure that she needs us more than we need her right now. She’ll be loyal as long as it suits her purposes, but even then, I’m not certain she would go so far as to stab us in the back. So no, I’m not sure about her, but I’m sure that she’ll be useful.”

“If you say so,” the guard dubiously answered before they all returned to watching the area. I noted with a nod that more of them were paying attention to the sides of the ship, taking what Kat said to heart.

When everything slid back to normal, I started fiddling with the rifle again, knowing that I was in for a hellishly long night.

The next morning, Watcher came up on deck around dawn. “When did you get in?” I asked.

“I teleported in some time last night. I figured that I should let you know that Doppel infiltrated the minotaur group and that I no longer question her talents.”

“Excellent to both. Did you make any headway on finding a blacksmith?”

“We found a few potential candidates. We’re waiting on Doppel’s results and your word to begin interviewing.”

“If any of them aren’t minotaurs, talk to them today and see if any might be interested. I’d like to leave as soon as possible.”

“Understood. Both our quartermasters and Zecora would like another day or maybe two in the city, though. The party here brings much trade, but also shortages in some areas.”

“If they can’t find whatever they’re looking for before the party ends, they’ll have to figure out how to go without. They have six days. And we took on two passengers last night that you should probably know about.”

“The cat and the dragon?”

“Yeah. Kat and Kumani.”

“Dragons and cats are greedy, Navarone. If you start bedding them both on this trip, expect consequences.”

“That won’t be a problem. And tell all your pegasi to be wary around Kat, because she has a thing for wings.”

“Very well. Do you expect any problems from Spike about your… choice?”

“No. Hopefully he’ll get over it quickly. I have a suggestion that you don’t have to take: Talk to Kat about her experience circumventing guards. Even if you don’t learn anything useful, it might be good to build a relationship with her.”

“I can spend some time doing that. Is she a thief?”

“Assassin. I don’t know how active she’s been, though. She did manage to sneak on board last night, so she might be useful in preventing others from doing the same.”

“Interesting… And you’re certain that she doesn’t have a contract on anyone on board?”

“…If she does, she’s playing it very risky. I’m not going to say that she doesn’t, but I doubt it. If anyone can trip her up, it’d be you or Doppel.”

“I will make it a point to talk to her often, then. And you’re sure that this Kumani is trustworthy?”

“Pretty sure. I trust her more than Kat, at least.”

“Then I’ll leave her to you. There are many here that I’m not so sure about, Navarone. Spike was carried here drunk last night.”

“Partially my fault. They weren’t supposed to give him that much. Besides, we’re at a party. It only makes sense to unwind at least a little. Hey, what about you? When was the last time you got laid?”

“Last night, not that it’s any of your business.” Oh wow. So much for loosening that rod up his ass. “Do you have any news about Smiles?”

“Nope. Haven’t really thought about him since I told the captain to tell him to go job hunting. And if I haven’t heard from him by the time we do end up leaving, he’ll be left behind.”

“Understood. I’m somewhat worried about how he’ll be treated given his appearance, but he knew the risks when he agreed to your deal.”

“Yeah. You got anything else to report?”

“You probably know this already, but Celestia is not only not at the party, but she didn’t even send a representative. An emergency must have come up, something beyond the controversy that was happening when we left.”

“Any idea what?”

He shook his head. “No, only that it would take up the use of all of her advisors and backups.”

“Sucks for her, then. I can’t imagine it’ll involve us, unless Discord finally decided to show his freaky hand.”

“True. I’d still like to know what’s going on, just in case. With your permission, I’d like to hijack Spike’s letter sending ability and check on a few things.”

“By all means, if you can wake him up. He’s probably at least slightly hung over.”

“Whatever’s going on can wait. If it could affect us here, we would know about it already. Checking before we leave is just a precaution.”

“Then do it whenever. Probably a waste of time, but just in case… You got anything else to report?”

“News of what happened with Luna has spread, but it hasn’t hit the general population. Newspapers take a while to circulate, though with the influx of new ponies from across the ocean for the party, I imagine the common ponies will learn of recent events quickly. I say that you have another two or three days before you need to begin traveling in disguise.”

“Finally some good news. I’m taking Taya out into the city for at least a few hours today, so if anything comes up, handle it. Unless it’s something big that I should know about. And if Doppel gets back, send a few groups out to try to find me. I really want to know what the minotaurs know about humans. Being half-man themselves, they might actually have some useful information.”

“Half… man?” Of anyone on the ship, I wasn’t expecting Watcher to be confused by that.

“Yes. There’s a legend about a minotaur from my world. He was born from a human fucking a cow or something. They have the hands and general body of a human, but the legs and head of a bull. That makes them half-man.”

“I hadn’t even thought of that, actually. The letter they sent now makes much more sense… The minotaurs are rather respectful of cows, since that is what they came from. I suppose it only makes sense that they’d be respectful of you as well. And since you are the only one of your kind in this realm, they would take utmost precautions with your safety. I’m somewhat surprised that they haven’t already sent a delegation to the ship to take you away.”

“They probably don’t know that I’m here, which is how I might keep it if you think they’ll insist on dragging me off for my ‘protection’. I’m fucking tired of being overprotected.”

“Then stop being so vulnerable.”

“Bah. Anything else?”

“Nothing that comes to mind. If Kat leaves today, do you want her followed?”

“Don’t bother. At night, your troops could probably do it. During the day, following her unseen and successfully would likely be impossible. And she probably expects it anyway.”

“Very well. Any other orders?”

“Not that I can—Wait, is there a museum here?”

“Yes, but I don’t know where it is.”

“I’ll find it myself, then. I doubt anything will come of it, but I’d like to check it out for any human relics. No other orders, Watcher.”

“Then I have a few things to take care of. Until later, Navarone.” What happened to sir?

“Have fun, I guess.” He went back below deck. After a few moments of consideration, I did as well. Sitting up top gets dull as hell when there’s not much to do. When I got to my room, I quickly got the laptop set up. It was mind-numbing, but at least it killed time.

By the time Taya decided to grace me with her presence, I had already decided to get a shower and eat breakfast. She seemed pretty upset…

“Why her?” was the opening question.

“Kumani is interesting and fun to be around. She’s something new and strong enough to look after herself while reasonable enough to not use that strength against me.” Often. “And what do you even mean, why her? We haven’t told anyone yet.”

“You just said it last night!”

“I said that we were going to go have sex. I didn’t say we were in a relationship. Sure, Watcher figured it out, but he’s Watcher.”

“What do you mean… in a relationship?”

“Boyfriend/girlfriend kinda thing. We decided to give it a try.”

“But… but what about Fluttershy?!”

“She’s in Equestria. And I told you that I would ask her on a few conditions. Namely, that the trip was over and that I didn’t find anyone else. I happened to find someone else. Maybe it’ll last, maybe it won’t.”

She was silent for a few moments before slowly saying, “I’m never going to call that dragon my mom.”

“You can’t imagine how surprised I would be if you did. I mean, damn that would be weird if you did. Just don’t be a bitch to her and I’ll be happy. Give friendship with her a chance. And remember that while I do want you to be happy, I’m dating her for me, not you. I’ll value your opinion, but ultimately go with what makes me happy.” I’m tired of being selfless and giving and giving in relationships. Sure, I’m supposed to be a father and all that, but I really wanted a relationship that would actually make me happy.

“…Okay.” That was very… neutral. Uncomfortably so.

“You want to go into the city? I was in a hurry yesterday and couldn’t bring you, but I don’t really have shit to do until Doppel gets back now. Other than finding the museum, we can do anything we feel like.”

“Is… Kumani coming?”

“I didn’t make any plans with her. If we bump into her, she might tag along. Otherwise, it’ll just be us. And maybe the naga, if he demands to come.”

“Then let’s go.” And so we went. I wore the disguise thing again, just in case we ran into any minotaurs. We managed to sneak out without the naga stopping us, so we didn’t have to worry about him.

It was just the two of us exploring the large city. As much as I don’t generally enjoy being a father, I managed to have some fun that day. Things got pretty interesting at the museum, too.

“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked when the two of us walked in.

“Maybe,” I answered as I pulled my hood back. His eyes went wide when he recognized me, either from my past exploits or the dreams Luna gave him. “Do you happen to have any strange artifacts? Things that confuse everyone?”

“I... I know you,” he muttered.

“Yes, yes. I’m Navarone the human. Everyone knows of me.”

He quickly jerked, shaking himself out of his shock. “Ahem... Yes, we do have a few things that are... more curious than others. What brings you to Stalliongrad?”

“The party, of course. Where are those interesting things?”

“Party? Oh yes, that little thing… Say, are you doing anything tonight?”

“Yes, I am. We’re just going to look around.”

“Oh… Okay.” He hungrily watched the two of us walk away and I’m honestly surprised that he didn’t offer to show us around.

“Daddy, why was that guy acting like that?”

“Stalliongrad has a much higher population of gay guys, or guys that are attracted to other guys. It’s like that because it has a much larger male population. There’s more than one reason that I’m in disguise.” It’s not so much that I expect my immaculate beauty to immediately result in getting ravished, but more that I’m worried some of the guys will recognize me from their dreams and hit on me.

“Huh. Daddy, I don’t think this is the section we want.”

I looked around for a moment and realized that we were in the ‘abstract modern art’ part of the museum. For those of you that don’t know, that’s where they put the pictures where people just randomly throw paint at a canvas. You know, stuff that isn’t actually art.

“Right you are. See any signs that say history on them?”

Thankfully, it didn’t take us too long to find the part of the museum that wasn’t a waste of everyone’s time. The first thing that I noticed was that of course, most of it was pony related shit. “God, why do they even put this in museums?” I asked, looking at a wagon.

A warm voice from across the room said, “Cultural significance, Mister Navarone.” I looked over to see an older stallion with a beard walking across the room, watching me with diseased eyes under his glasses. “Not much has changed, that is true. But events happen and when they do, items relevant to the events come to a museum that they might be remembered.”

“Fair enough. But I’m not here for history lessons. Do you have any artifacts that aren’t pony created? Things that might be a mystery to you?”

“A few, yes. Does our history not interest you?”

“It really doesn’t, no. No offense, but most of your history is fucking boring as hell.”

“I see. Well, our mystery room is beyond this one, through the door behind me. If you can but answer a single question of mine, I’ll answer any that I can from that room.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to hear your question.”

“Have you heard the dark and dreadful history of Grogar the necromancer? For one that finds our history ‘boring’, this might be something slightly more interesting.”

“Nope, sure haven’t. Now let’s see that mystery room.”

Taya and I were already walking past him when he said, “Don’t you want to hear the tale?”

“Not really. It’s a good thing you didn’t make that part of the deal.”

“Hm. I figured you more than anyone would be interested in someone learning how to use magic without a horn.”

That actually stopped me for a second, but I quickly thought of a response. “Fucker’s a necromancer. That’s dark, dark stuff, nothing I’m interested in. And don’t pretend you know me, whoever you are.”

I turned back toward the room just in time to hear, “I know you better than you think, Anonymous.” When I heard that name, I whirled back around, half-drawing a large dagger before I realized the stallion was gone.

“Where’d he go?” Taya asked as I slammed the dagger back.

“Better question, what the hell was that? Not a pony, that’s for sure. No one should…”

“Was it a changeling?” she asked.

“No. I have one guess and I don’t like it. Flo?”

“I… think you might be right, Navarone. It fit his appearance, or at least what you could see in the statue. You might have just been visited by Discord.”

“Then it’s even better that I told him to go to hell. Fucker’s gone now, at least. Come on, Taya. Let’s see what’s in this mystery room.”

“What was it?” she asked as we stepped into the new room.

“Our enemy. Don’t worry about it. And holy shit, what the hell is that?”

The object in question appeared to be a massive mask made of some kind of metal. When I got closer, I realized that I didn’t recognize any of the facial features. Since the thing was about as tall as I was, it almost definitely wasn’t human in origin. Whatever it was, the thing was honestly kind of scary looking.

And it wasn’t the only strange object in the room. Tons of artifacts lined the walls and tables set up about the room. Neither Flo nor I could recognize most of them. However, there was one that we both instantly knew.

“Gene-locked box,” I said, smiling down at the exhibit. “I knew I brought this key for a reason!”

“Are you certain that you want to risk releasing another air elemental?” Flo asked. “We still haven’t been able to contact the other one.”

No, but what are the chances it would be an elemental? I saw the other box. It wasn’t like this one at all. I’m opening it.

Thankfully, there weren’t any cameras or security guards in the area. If there were, they might have been somewhat upset with how I pulled the box away from where it had been left and pressed my magic key against the gene-reader.

It took several long seconds for the ancient box to make a series of clicking noises before hissing open, revealing its prize for the first time in recorded history.

“You found something?” Taya asked, joining me in front of the box.

“Maybe. Let’s see.” Whatever was in the box was covered by some cloth. I gently pulled it back to reveal several interesting items. At the top of the pile was a letter written in a language that I couldn’t read. “Flo, what does it say?” I asked, lifting it up.

“Dearest Ivanna, I can’t go on. There’s no water and... Navarone, I... I’m not going to read this to you. It’s a confession and a suicide letter.”

I blinked a few times before looking down into the box. A few of the items inside were splattered with a dried red substance. “How did he close the box if he blew his brains out?” I asked, picking up what looked like a luger resting against the side of the box.

“He didn’t shoot himself,” Flo sighed as I fiddled with the gun until the magazine popped out, revealing that it was empty. A few spent brass shells were in the bottom of the box. “He... gave others a mercy before walking into the wastes.”

I popped the mag back into the pistol and set it down next to me, examining the rest of the contents. Obviously there was no food or water, but there were a few other interesting personal effects. A teddy bear. A book that when opened, revealed itself to be a photo album. A set of glasses. A children’s book in Russian. A gas mask that was missing a filter. A set of very expensive silverware.

“Daddy, what’s going on?” Taya asked, using magic to pull out an object that I hadn’t noticed: A vinyl record.

“Nothing,” I sighed, putting everything back into the box. I sat there staring at the contents for a moment before shrugging and pulling the box of silverware out. The dead don’t need spoons, after all. Nothing else in the box was anything I wanted to own. With a final sigh, I closed it and leaned back.

“What’s wrong?” It was then I realized that I didn’t put the record back in the box. I just shrugged and slid the thing back where it belonged.

“It’s depressing, Taya. These people are long, long dead. And they died in such a way that... It’s awful.”

“Why didn’t you take anything else?”

“The pistol is useless with no ammo. The photo album is depressing. I can’t read Russian, so the book is useless. The gas mask has no filter. I don’t need glasses and I don’t want a teddy bear, especially not one stained with the blood of its previous owner. I only took what I did because fuck pony silverware and I didn’t realize you still had the record. Now let’s go before a guard catches us with this stuff.”

So much for the good day I was having... Every time I manage to forget what happened to my people, something slaps it back in my face. And this time, the fucker that did it was right in front of me.

I was thinking up a special little hell for that discordant bastard. A hell that I was quite eager to deliver. All I needed to do was figure out how.

The next day is when shit got real. The day before, I hadn’t gotten any letters. Or if I had, Watcher took care of them. But the next day, a pegasus came by with a few letters for me. Since the party was already going and important messages that I actually cared about were possible, I made it a point to open the ones from people I actually cared about first.

Since Celestia didn’t have any representatives at the party, Bloodbeak was apparently charged with making appearances at all the big functions. I don’t know why he was chosen over Chrysalis, but I also didn’t fucking care. Either way, he was looking for ways to alleviate the boredom at the events, so he sent me invitations to all of them.

As much as I liked the old man, I didn’t like him that much. I set that letter aside with no intention of looking at it again. There was no mail from Chrysalis. There was, however, a letter from Asterion. For some reason, seeing it gave me a feeling of trepidation.

Opening it and reading it explained that feeling. “We have found a changeling that claims to be sent by you. If you want it back, come and get it. But you will talk to me. We are not a violent people, Navarone. We won’t hurt the changeling or you without good cause. - Asterion.”

Fuck.

It was still early in the day, meaning they probably had her for at least a night already. I wasn’t going to leave her there for longer than necessary, so I immediately went down to Watcher’s room. When I got there, I saw Zecora exiting it. “Watcher in there?” I asked.

She was blushing faintly, so I assumed they had some kind of argument. As long as they could contain themselves well enough, I didn’t care. Either way, she nodded before brushing past me.

I knocked and barely waited for an answer to let myself in. “Minotaurs caught Doppel,” I said, tossing him the letter.

He took a second to scan over it before looking up, nodding. “How many do you want?”

“Two teams. That should give me six. I’ll also take the naga, Kat, and maybe Gilda. The goal is to get her out without violence. If that doesn’t work out, the goal is to kill every motherfucker that gets in our way.”

“Understood, but Gilda isn’t here. Do you want me going?”

“No. On the off chance that this is a distraction, I’d like you here.”

“Good answer. You’re learning. When are you leaving?”

“As soon as I can get everyone ready.”

“I’ll go tell everyone what’s going on. It’ll take you some time to get into that tin can you call armor. Come up to the deck when you’re set.”

“Got it. Try not to let Spike or Taya know, if you can avoid it.”

“They’ll see action eventually, Navarone.”

“Yeah, I know. I just want to avoid it being a hostage situation, if possible. I don’t want two unseasoned people in the middle of that. No telling what they might do.”

“Understandable. I’ll try to avoid it.” I nodded and left his room to go to my own.

The bad part about having such large and protective armor is that it takes a lot of room to store. Up until then, it was secured across the ceiling, tied up in individual pieces. Trust me, that’s as inconvenient and annoying as it sounds.

And it made a lot of noise to take down. “What are you doing?” Taya asked from behind me.

“Taking my armor down,” I quickly replied, not looking back. Don’t give her a reason to stay.

“Do you need some help?”

“Nah, it’s not that hard. Just pull the rope and a piece falls.” I proceeded to do just that, barely catching the boot before it hit the ground.

“It would be a lot easier if I—”

“I’m fine, Taya.”

“So why are you taking it down?” she asked as another piece fell. She yanked it out of the air with magic before I could halt its descent.

“To put it on,” I said, pulling the floating gauntlet out of the air.

“Are you going to an event?”

“Nope.”

“So something’s going on.”

“Taya, go eat breakfast.”

“I already did. What’s happening?”

“Then go take a shower and let me deal with my armor in peace.”

“Already did that, too. I even brushed my teeth.” Fuck.

“Look, don’t worry about it. It’s just something quick that I have to take care of.”

“Good. If it’s quick, you won’t mind me going.”

I finally turned to face her. “A few conditions. Stay out of the way, don’t talk, and don’t get involved. The only reason you should even use magic is if you need to teleport to get away. Consider this a learning experience for you. Understand?”

She beamed and nodded, not saying anything.

“Good. Go wait on the deck. And for fuck’s sake, don’t tell anyone that something’s happening.” She happily trotted away and I went back to pulling armor down. Thankfully, it didn’t take me long. Soon enough, I had the set on and ready to be used. With it ready, I buckled my weapons on and then slung my rifle over my shoulder. “Ready to kick some ass,” I said to myself.

Everyone was already on the deck waiting for me, though a few of the night guards were helping each other with their armor. Kat didn’t look overly amused, though I don’t know what exactly she was expecting when I asked if she wanted to come with us on the boat.

“Alright, Doppel got captured by the minotaurs,” I said aloud, so everyone could hear me. “We’re going to go get her back. The main goal is to avoid violence. If that’s impossible, we’ll kill everyone that gets in the way.”

“What’s the plan?” the naga asked.

“Kat, you’re overwatch. Find a way to get in on the roof or a back door and wait for any sounds of violence. If you happen to find Doppel, release her. Don’t kill anyone unless you already see us fighting. Everyone else is going in the front door. We’ll take the fucking place by storm if we have to.”

“We could just leave her, you know,” Ames idly commented.

“I will never leave anyone that’s loyal to me to an uncertain fate unless I have no other choice. Humans are honorable like that.” He didn’t reply, which let me pull out my map to determine the best route to getting to the main minotaur building. After a short time to study the map, I nodded and handed it to Kat. “Learn the route, just in case,” I told her. I let her take a few seconds to study it before calling out, “Let’s move, people.”

Since I was the one that knew the way, I took the lead. Once we got past the docks, the naga fell in to my right while Taya took up position on my left. Kat sprinted ahead and went down a side road, disappearing before we got up to where she went. The guards formed two lines behind me, walking in formation. We got looks and stares from pretty much every single person on the streets. Thankfully, as soon as they heard and then saw me coming, they got the fuck out of my way.

With the expression that was likely on my face, that was certainly understandable. Having armed guards behind me helped.

Well, they got out of my way until a certain one didn’t. Kumani swooped down and landed right in front of me. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“Business,” I answered. “Minotaurs took a friend of mine. I’m getting her back.”

She smiled, showing off her sexy fangs. “Lead the way.”

I pushed past her, very happy to have a dragon with us. “Naga, fill her in on the way. We’re almost there.” He very quickly explained the situation to Kumani while we covered the last leg of the journey.

There were two guards outside of their building when we finally got there. If they were nervous about such a strange and dangerous looking group stopping outside of their building, they didn’t show it. Each was about as tall as Celestia and had a chest as wide as the naga’s. The plate armor they were wearing might have helped them look bigger, though. Their entire body was covered in it, leaving only holes for their horns and their eyes. There were slits for their ears and mouth. Each one had a giant hammer at their side, resting their butts on the ground.

“I’m here for my changeling,” I calmly announced, unslinging my rifle and pumping it. I’m not certain it would go through their armor, but I’d rather test it than risk getting close enough to get hit by one of those hammers.

“Enter, forerunner,” one of them said as they both pushed one of the double-doors of the large building open. “You will not need your entourage.”

“They’re coming anyway.” Neither guard commented as I led my group into the rather large building. If I had to guess, I would say that this building was a church of some kind, but I know ponies don’t have religion. Whatever use the building served, it had rows of pews in a large room, all facing a large table on the far side. At the table sat three minotaurs, each smaller than the guards and all facing me, and Doppel with an iron collar connected to a chain leading to the floor. When she saw me, she immediately smiled in relief.

The other minotaurs had similar reactions upon seeing me. Though their smiles were less relieved and more victorious. “Ah, forerunner!” the one in the middle shouted, jumping to his feet. “We knew you would come!”

“Let Doppel go and we’ll talk,” I replied, stopping well short of the table.

“The changeling? Release her.” The minotaur closest to her produced a key and inserted it into the collar around her neck. As soon as it clicked loose, she spread her wings and buzzed toward me.

“I knew you’d come, master,” she whispered as she landed next to me.

“You have your changeling!” the middle guy said. “Now let us talk. We are all rather curious, forerunner.”

“You can’t be more curious than I am. But why take Doppel? Why not just come to me instead?”

“We didn’t know you were here. Or where you were. You seemed to do your best to not advertise your presence. As to why we took her, she came here asking of things she should not have known. When we realized she was not as she seemed, we questioned her and took her. And now here you are.”

“Here I am indeed. What do you mean by forerunner?”

“Are you truly going to make us yell across the hall, forerunner? Come, join us at the table. May we serve you anything?”

“No.” However, I walked up to the table anyway. As he said, there was no reason to force ourselves to yell. As an afterthought, I looked behind me. “Get comfortable.” Each one of the teams of ponies chose a side of the room and Doppel went with one of them. I took a chair at the center of the table. Kumani sat to my left and Taya to my right. The naga stood behind me, presumably with his arms crossed. “Let’s talk. What is a forerunner?”

“Those who came before,” the fellow in the middle asked. “Truly, we know little about them. Minos is carved into a mountain and in that mountain resides a series of purpose-built caverns. Whatever built them is long dead, but they left many creations behind. Most of them are little more than trash at this point, but we’ve managed to scavenge some rituals and magic from them. One of the things we were able to find enabled us to translate the runes on some of the artifacts. After many years of research, we were able to determine that whoever built the caves knew of an even more ancient race with a kind of magic that rivaled anything ever seen. The kind of magic it would take to create life itself.”

“Humans,” I sighed, nodding.

“Is that what you are called?” he asked

“Yeah. And it’s not magic. It’s technology. But continue your tale.”

“Hm. They had the magic it would take to create life... Which was good, because the need arose to do so. A demon of some kind wracked the world with fire, turning the great race against itself as each sought to blame the demon’s release upon the other. This was the downfall of the forerunners. But even after the fire went away, some survived, hidden away, to tinker with the magic left behind. And so it was that they created many new races. Perhaps seeing that the power they had come to wield was too great, they made sure that there were no duplicates of itself created in the new beings of the world. But they made us partially in their image for reasons we have yet to understand.”

“And so you searched for any hints of this old race to tell you why?” I asked.

“Search we did, forerunner. There are many artifacts in this world of civilizations long dead. Many objects of power hidden away in lost caves and hidden tombs. But there are so very, very few relics of the most ancient and powerful of races. Never once did we expect to find one face-to-face. Let alone one so famous! It is a shame that we minotaurs are so reclusive. We would have found you and given you the life you deserve much sooner.”

“Yeah, that part of your letter was really ominous. What exactly does that mean?”

“You are the living proof that our search is justified. As far as we know, you’re the only surviving member of the most powerful race to have ever lived. You will have whatever you want that we can provide. The finest quarters, the most succulent foods, any manner of entertainment.”

“Uh... Sorry, but not interested.”

Everyone but me sitting at that table flinched back. “Are you crazy?” Kumani whispered fiercely, using my arm to jerk me closer. “We could be set for life!”

“Why would you not want this?” the head minotaur asked, honestly sounding distraught. “It’s what you deserve!”

What I deserve is a bullet to the back of the head and a shallow grave. “I’m afraid I can’t take you up on it. I have an extremely important task that only I can do. And the demon that killed my people is still up and kicking. I want to put that motherfucker down. Once all that’s said and done, we’ll talk. But until then, I’m afraid that I simply can’t accept the honor.” Kumani let my arm go with a disbelieving grunt. “However, if you have any questions, I will be happy to attempt to answer them. Just know that I was not someone who dabbled in technology. Or as you call it, magic.”

None of the minotaurs really looked like they could believe it. They finally found a human, something they’ve apparently been trying to find for a long time. When they did... Well, they got a shitty one like me. “Give us... give us a moment,” the head guy stuttered before slowly pushing back from the table and standing up. He led the other two away to a wall, where they started talking in whispers.

“Daddy, what is wrong with you?” Taya whispered.

“I just gave my reasons. Yes, it’s an extremely good offer. And yes, I might take them up on it later. But I can’t do it right now.”

“You shouldn’t do it at all,” Ames rumbled. “That life of luxury would kill you, Navarone.”

“He’s right,” Flo whispered.

“Maybe. But I really wouldn’t mind a break.”

There was silence on our end for a few seconds before Kumani said, “So what’s this task you have to do? And what kinda demon are they talking about? Actually, can you just explain everything they said?”

I briefly explained the history behind humans and their fall. When she understood that, I told her about Discord and the elementals. That led into telling her about saving them. Very conveniently, the minotaurs finished their discussion around the same time we did. Though honestly, it was more likely that they saw we were talking and decided to wait out of respect.

“Before we begin with our questions, I believe an introduction is in order,” the fellow said. “I am Asterion, leader of the minotaurs. These are Steel Wool and Taurus, my advisors.” He waved a hand to indicate who was who.

“I’m Navarone. This is Taya, my daughter and Kumani, my girlfriend. The naga is my guard and teacher. You already met Doppel. The rest are soldiers I have working for me.”

“A dragon for a mate and a pony for a daughter. How... interesting,” Steel Wool idly said.

“You had questions?” I asked, trying to prod them along so I could leave sooner.

“Yes, of course. What manner of relations did humans have with cows?”

“Humans are predators and cows are prey. In our time, they weren’t intelligent at all. Just mindless beasts we tamed for food.”

“Then where did we come from? If humans considered cows so far beneath them, why would they mix themselves so?”

“If I explain what I remember of the history, you’re probably going to be offended.”

“We want the truth, Navarone. If it offends us, that is a shame.”

“Almost every living or sentient species on the planet today was a myth in my world. Made up by other humans. Unicorns, for example, were believed to be the essence of purity and would only appear for virgins. There are tales of unicorns falling in love with humans or huntsmen using virgins as bait to ensnare the precious animals. Dragons were seen as ferocious and incredibly greedy, but intelligent. They would often destroy villages and steal gold. Many legends revolve around dragons kidnapping princesses and getting slain by knights who then marry the princess. Even naga and changelings have some legends, but I can’t recall them off the top of my head.”

“But what of us? What of minotaurs?”

“The legend basically says that a human fucks a cow and a minotaur is born. This was seen as an abomination of nature. The resulting child was a minotaur that was a mindless beast with the cunning of man but the lack of morality and intelligence of an animal. Somewhere along the line, it picked up a taste for human flesh and would kill and eat anyone that got near it. It was exiled into a purpose-built labyrinth where it was fed sacrifices so it wouldn’t try to escape. Eventually, a legendary warrior came and killed it. That is the dark and bloody legend of minotaurs in a very condensed nutshell.”

Once again, they all seemed shocked. “So... so we’re the villains...” one of them whispered.

“In the original legend, yeah,” I replied. “But as with all legends and stories, things evolve over time. Most of the legends about mythological creatures originally have them as villains. But those legends were created hundreds or even thousands of years before humanity had enough technology to create life. By the time we did, there were new versions of the story with the old creatures of legend as good guys. Sometimes.”

“But why would you create something that you believed was evil? A villain?” Asterion asked.

“Because nothing is inherently evil. Morality can be taught. And given the state of the world, I’d say none of the races out there are naturally bad. This place was looking pretty damn good before I got here.”

“Which is another of our questions. From where did you come, Navarone?”

“The past, of course. I was ripped through time and space away from my old life and even my old body. Basically, I was a school report for a fucking unicorn in Equestria. I have since learned that it’s possible to go back in time for short periods of time and before I left, I tasked the unicorns that sent me back to find a way to tear a portal through time to save some humans from their doom.”

“Can we assist them in any way? We owe humanity our very existence. It is only fair that we help save theirs.”

“I don’t know a thing about magic. I doubt you can help, though.” It does give me a new option for a location to send the humans when I get them, though. “The offer is, of course, appreciated.”

“Then is there anything we can do to assist you in your quest? Equipment? Soldiers? Gold?”

“...Do you have a blacksmith that wouldn’t mind traveling and working in strange conditions?”

“We do! Most of us are artisans of various kinds. We happen to have brought two blacksmiths with us on this trip. One of them came to stay in pony lands, hoping to learn new techniques. However, he is a master at what he knows and would likely be happy to travel with you, as long as you have room for both him and his assistant.”

“I’m sure we will, but his room might be a little cramped. And he’ll be on a wooden boat, so he might need to make accommodations with his equipment.”

“We will take care of everything, forerunner. What is the name of the boat?”

“Second Chance. It’s at the docks.”

“He will meet you there before the party is over. He will have some arrangements to make, I believe.”

“Awesome. Do you have any other questions?”

“Right now... no. We weren’t expecting to ever get to ask a forerunner anything! If you can ever visit Minos in the future, we’ll be sure to have so many more for you. And we can give you a tour of the dig sites!”

“If I ever get time, I’ll be sure to visit, then. Is there anything else you need?”

“Just... to shake your hand, if you don’t mind. It’s still so hard to believe you’re real!”

I stood and leaned over the table, offering my hand. He rose as well and met it, his large fingers curling around mine with an honestly somewhat scary delicateness. After taking a few moments to prove to himself that I was real, he gave my hand a shake.

“It has been a... pleasure, Navarone.”

“Same, Asterion. Until we meet again.”

“It won’t be soon enough...”

With that last farewell, I led my group away, decocking my rifle. “That went better than expected,” I idly commented as we walked back.

As I said that, I felt four points of pressure gently slip down onto my head, where I was perhaps foolishly not wearing my helmet. “Thank you for coming to save me, master,” Doppel said in a squeaky voice as she hugged the top of my head.

“I’d do the same for anyone in my crew, Doppel. Besides, I need someone to clean my socks.”

“Mmm. I might just have to think of a way to reward you, master...”

“I’m afraid not. My new girlfriend might not care for that.”

“Your new what.” Hearing such a flat response in that high-pitched voice brought a smile to my face.

“Kumani. The big dragon behind us? I don’t think she likes sharing.”

Doppel removed herself from my head. Or rather, I looked back to find that Kumani removed her from my head, lifting the little changeling up to her face. “He is mine,” Kumani growled.

“Hey now!” I quickly interjected. “Kumani, what did you say about working on that?”

“I didn’t threaten her,” she was quick to answer, her eyes flicking to me for a moment before settling back on the somewhat afraid changeling. “I am just letting her know how things are. Are we clear?”

Doppel gulped and nodded hastily. Kumani contemptuously tossed her aside, thankfully lightly enough that she could catch herself within a few feet. “Kumani, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t throw my employees around.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, dear,” she sweetly answered. What have I gotten myself into?

When we got back to the docks, I had to ask myself that again. I also had to ask, “Where the fuck is the ship!?” All of the crew except for the captain were on the docks and the ship was nowhere to be seen.

“Getting an improvement,” Watcher answered. “The captain said it was paid for by a third party and that you would approve. How did things go with the minotaurs?”

“Well. Got Doppel back, had a nice discussion, got a free blacksmith. Did they at least say where they were taking the fucking thing? I want to get out of this armor.”

“I haven’t the slightest. Probably a drydock. I don’t know boats. So what’s a forerunner?”

“Humans. They found relics from a civilization that came after ours but before theirs and were apparently able to jury-rig some of the tech they found to work for them. With that, they translated some runes and discovered humans.”

“Interesting. Oh, and good news: Smiles found a job.”

“Excellent. When does he start?”

“He’s talking to his employer now since he can’t get his stuff from the boat. He’ll be back to pick it up later.”

“Cool. Well, I’m not going to stand here and wait. This is a party, Watcher. Tell your troops and the crew to go have fun. We don’t have any more business here that I know of and we don’t need to protect the ship, so let them do whatever they want.”

“Understood. Say, where’s Kat?”

…

“Fuck. Well, she’s smart. If she got in trouble, she’ll let me know. If not, she’ll realize eventually that we left. I mean, I don’t exactly have any ways to signal her anyway.”

“True. You should think about that in the future, though. She might be upset that you just left her behind.”

“Eh, I’ll figure out some way to make it up to her. Get her a jingly ball or something. Cats like those, right?”

“She wouldn’t be amused by that, I don’t believe.” Watcher just doesn’t like jokes, I swear.

“Whatever. Have fun at the party. I’m either going out with Kumani or Taya again, probably.”

“Fun. Right. See you, sir.”

I walked back over to the small group of important people. “Ship’s getting more improvements,” I said. “We don’t have any more business in the city, or at least nothing right now. Kumani, want to go out?”

“You sure you want to risk it?” she asked.

“We don’t have to do anything big. Just spend some time together. If you don’t want to, we don’t have to.”

“Well... I guess we can,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t think the purifiers are out in force at this party.”

“Can I go?” Taya and Spike both asked at the same time.

“I’m not going to bring my daughter on a date. Nor a friend.”

“D-date?” Spike whispered, his eyes going wide.

“Taya, we saw plenty of the city yesterday. You can show the naga and Spike some cool stuff today. And yes, Spike. A date.”

“Okay, daddy...” she sighed, looking away.

“But I thought you—” Spike started before stopping. He looked over at Kumani and asked, “Do you have any female friends?”

“A few, but not many at this party. I’m only here because of my dad and Nav. You ready to go?” she asked me.

“Yep. Can’t get out of this armor, sadly. Shall we?”

And so I went on my first date with a dragoness. For better or worse, it didn’t end in sex.

When I got back to the docks, the ship was right where it should be and a grinning Vinyl Scratch was waiting for me. “You’re gonna love what we did!” she happily said.

“So you’re the reason I was forced to wear this armor all day,” I said, crossing my metal-clad arms over my chest.

“Yep. But dude, it was totally buckin’ worth it. We got some insane speakers set up on this baby! They’re installed all over this thing now. If you want, you could blast stuff loud enough to hear for miles!”

“...Why would I ever want to do that?”

“I dunno. I just thought it would be cool. And dude? It’s bucking AWESOME!”

“Well, can’t complain about that. So how do they work?”

“I made some notes while I was listening to music on your laptop thingy. I saw a few ports on there and played around while you weren’t watching. Long story short, I figured out how to connect the laptop to the speakers! I just wasn’t able to test it yet.”

“So you put an untested experimental connection that might not even work in my ship.”

“Hey, if it doesn’t work, I added a backup system. Let’s just test it, shall we?”

Flo whispered, “If she can’t make it work, I probably can. I know everything there is to know about the laptop you have and I might be able to modify it or the ship’s connection.”

“Sure, I guess. But I can’t imagine hooking electricity to magic could ever end well.”

“Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?”

The whole fucking ship explodes. “Let me just go get the laptop. And change. Fuck is this armor cold.”

“Hey, I can help you change if you want!”

“I’m afraid not. I got a rather clingy dragon girlfriend that doesn’t like it when girls flirt with me, let alone sleep with me.”

“Oh wow. Dude, you’re in for one wild ride if you stick with a dragon. Good luck with that. I’ll just... wait up here.”

So down into the bowels of the ship I went. Getting out of the armor was a lot easier than getting into it, since I didn’t have to put it back on the ceiling just yet. Soon enough, I was dressed and carrying the precious laptop back up topside, hoping that Vinyl didn’t break it. As an afterthought, I went ahead and grabbed the record that Taya stole from the museum, since I didn’t have any use for it.

“So you have a wire for it?” I asked her.

“Sure do!” She was already standing at a port built into one of the two masts that I hadn’t seen.

“How does that even work?” I asked as she pulled the laptop from me.

“Magic, baby. I ain’t gotta explain shit.”

“...Whatever. Just be careful.” She connected the wire from the mast into the laptop with a quiet click and then nothing happened. “It would probably help if the laptop was on and trying to play music.”

“Ya think?” she quipped as I turned it on.

“Yeah, yeah... Hey, do you have something to play this?” I asked, passing her the record.

“An old vinyl? Yeah, I could play it right here. My special talent actually lets me use a fine enough needle of air to play the sound recorded in these. It’s just so much easier to use turntables. Why? What’s on it?”

“No clue. All I know is that it’s a human thing.”

“I’ll test it after we see if this works. Is it ready to play?”

“Yep. You sure about this?”

“Nope! Press play.” I shrugged and did so. We were instantly assailed by what sounded like a whale having sex with a jet engine. After I got over the shock and the pain, I stopped it. Everyone from all the boats around us were glaring our way. “Well, I don’t think that worked,” she commented.

“Nah, it worked just fine,” I replied. “That was just Celine Dion and it was up way too loud. Let me find something that isn’t shit.” As she facehooved, I selected something that isn’t used for psychological warfare—Beyond the Bridge, if anyone cares—and got it running instead. It sounded perfect, surprisingly. “Man, what the fuck? That doesn’t even make sense.”

“You wanna know the best part?” she asked. And without waiting for an answer, though I would have said yes anyway, she said, “It’s automatically translated! Though uh... I can’t promise that the translations will always make sense. The spell you use on ponies is different from the ones you use on objects.”

“Well, that’s really, really cool. Now how do I control the ship’s volume and which speakers are playing?”

“Eh, the main control panel is around here somewhere. The captain knows where. I just know how to make it work. So, do you like it?”

“Yeah. It’s... really weird and unexpected, but it’s cool.”

“Least I can do, Nav. Well, unless you want to go to some of the uh... parties I have planned.”

“I’d love to, but I don’t think Kumani would approve. To be fair, I’d be pretty pissed if she went to an orgy too. Or at least, without inviting me.” Shit, sex is just sex, to me. But I recognize that some people put an emotional importance on it, so I would never cheat on her.

“Eh. That’s a real shame, Nav. You’d really love some of them, at least if you were using your stones. But oh well.”

“Yeah... If you have any actual parties that aren’t just orgies, I could probably drag her to one. Be nice to go on another date or two before we leave.”

“Be good to get in her good graces, too. Traveling ain’t that fun when you have a bunch of ponies going with you.”

“Yeah. And it’s going to be a long trip. I’m actually really glad you did this, since it’ll give us something to do on the way.”

“No problem, Nav. Hey, you want to find out what’s on this record now?”

“Sure. The sleeve doesn’t have any words on it, so there aren’t any hints there.” I turned the music on the laptop off and closed it as she used magic to expose the record to the open air in the first time in a long, long time.

“So how old is this thing?” she asked as it began to slowly spin, points of light focusing on the outer edge.

“Christ, hundreds of thousands of years. I don’t know how old, but it’s ancient.”

“Wow. Surprised something so fragile is still alive.”

“Those lock boxes were made to fucking last. Airtight, radiation proof, almost indestructible. The thing almost didn’t want to even open.”

“Well, let’s see what it was hiding...” The record began spinning slightly faster as one of the motes of light solidified, using the nuances of the record to play the oldest music in existence.

“...Soiuz nerushimyj respublik svobodnykh...”

“That’s the national anthem of the Soviet Union,” I said in awe. “I can’t believe they would have actually stored something like that. Pretty fucking awesome.”

“Sounds like something the princess played once. But that language sounds pretty weird compared to the one you showed us.”

“It is. Called Russian. Very different. Well, you can keep that record. I don’t have any way of playing it here. Maybe you can do something with it. Give it to Octavia or something, I don’t care.”

“She likes history. I might just do that. Thanks, I guess.” She let the music stop as she gently pushed the relic back into its sleeve. “Hey, I gotta go, Nav. I’ll send a schedule of the stuff I got going on. Maybe you and your dragon can get to one of the parties. And if not, well, that’s a shame. I’ll see you when I see you, either way.”

“Same, Vinyl. It’s been fun.”

“Sure has...” As she walked off the ship, I got one final look at that wonderful ass before I was interrupted by the sight of a batpony walking onto the ship.

Sunshine Smiles was not at all living up to his name at that point. Poor guy looked rather remorseful, actually. “I got a job, sir,” he very unhappily said.

“Glad to hear that, Smiles.” I did my best to make that sound sincere and not dickish. “I think Stalliongrad will be a good city for you. Plenty of guys here for you to prey on.”

“Yeah... but I don’t really want to go, sir.”

“You know the deal, Smiles. You found a job and that means you stay with it. You agreed to that and I’m holding you to it. It’ll work out for the best for you, I promise.”

“I... I don’t want to leave you guys...”

“That sure is a shame. I’m sorry, Smiles, but I’m not going to go back on the deal. You’ll be happy with a nice job to keep you occupied. Something away from the guard. When do you start?”

“Within the week... I need to get my stuff and go see him.”

“Then don’t let me keep you. And Smiles, don’t get fired on purpose. I’d be really, really disappointed if you did that.”

“I know, sir... B-before I go, can I... can I have a hug?”

“As long as you don’t make it creepy.” As soon as the words left my mouth, he reared up and snatched me into a tight hug.

“I’m gonna miss you, sir,” he whispered.

I awkwardly patted his back and said, “I’ll miss working with you, too. It’s been... interesting.” The hug continued several seconds longer. Then several more seconds. Then... “Smiles, stop rubbing my ass.”

“Do I have to?”

“You’re making it creepy.”

“Yes sir...” he glumly replied, dropping the hug and sighing.

“There. Now go get your stuff and get to work. Well, after saying whatever other goodbyes you have.”

He slowly nodded before slinking away.

For better or worse, Smiles had a new job. Finally.

That event marked the middle of the party. I couldn’t help but wonder what else would happen before our blacksmith came to the boat. All I knew is that I was really, really looking forward to leaving soon.

Chapter Ninety-Two—Show of Hands

Chapter Ninety-Two—Show of Hands

That night, I decided to go dream hunting. The insanity of dreams and large numbers of ponies made the work always interesting and honestly, I could write books about the things I’ve seen and done in dreams alone. And as Flo is so apt to tell me, doing so would be better than stealing work from human authors. But fuck that. Too much effort.

Anyway, that was just to explain why it was that I was forced to wake up the next morning by an annoying, insistent knocking. It’s really annoying to be in the middle of conducting a wedding ceremony to kill a nightmare and then suddenly get jerked awake by an unhappy elemental.

“Better be important,” I groaned as I pulled myself out of bed. Thankfully, I wasn’t actually asleep, so I didn’t feel like complete shit. but I was still really pissed off. Since I knew the person on the other side would have just opened the door if it was actually important (or if it was Taya), I just ripped the door open and glared down, not even saying a word.

The mare on the other side continued attempting to knock for a few seconds before she realized she wasn’t making sounds. “Oh, Navarone!” When she saw my face, her smile quickly slipped off. “Um... Did I interrupt something?”

“I was dream walking,” I gruffly answered. “That’s hell to get out of quickly. What do you want?”

“Oh, if I’m bothering you—”

“I’m up, now. And it’s day out, since I know you don’t have the night shift. What do you need?”

Flo snorted at that. “First you made her feel guilty that she was bothering you. Now you’re making her feel guilty that she isn’t. Good job, Nav.”

I try.

“Well... My family wants to meet you, sir.”

“...I already know your kids. I know everyone on the ship.”

“You don’t remember? When we first met, I told you that I was from Stalliongrad. I haven’t had a chance to get back home until now. And now that I’m here, I brought the one that saved me! They really want to meet you.”

“...Can you tell them that I’m busy?”

“They would wait until you weren’t. They’re on the ship and they know you’re here, sir.”

I slowly nodded, thinking back to when I first met the unicorns. “I remember you, now. Or rather, I remember our first talk. And our subsequent ones. You know how I feel about accolades because we went over that in depth. Why would you bring your parents here, knowing that?”

“Why, to meet everyone else, of course. The seven of us are really close and they wanted to meet them all.”

“Can you tell them I caught death, then? I don’t think they’d wait for me to get better, in that case.”

“I... could tell them that, but it would probably create even more problems. Can’t you just meet them, sir? For me?” With that last line, she put on the sweetest smile I had seen since Doppel tried roleplaying as Sweetie Belle.

“Your feminine wiles won’t work on me. My dragon girlfriend would murder me.”

“Back up, what?”

“If I let your feminine wiles work on me, the dragoness I’m in a relationship with would murder me. Well, she would probably murder you first.” She was silent for so long that I thought I actually scared her. “...Are you okay?” Her face was getting more and more red.

“Stay down here. I’ll... figure out a way to get rid of my parents.”

“I was joking about Kumani. The only reason she would be mad is if she had reason to believe that you and I were fucking or something.”

“...Ineedtogetmyparentsoutofhere!” She fucking sprinted back up the hall toward the deck.

As I watched her go, a few things ran through my mind. The first was pretty obvious. “Flo, did I almost just get sitcommed?”

“I do believe you almost did. That was a very lucky and timely mention of Kumani.”

In case it wasn’t immediately obvious, that mare told her parents that she and I were dating. She was going to throw it on me at the last second because that would have caused the most drama and I would have been forced to go along with it or make a big scene. By mentioning that I was dating the only kind of species whose policy on cheating in relationships is to toast first, ask later, I sort of ruined her entire plan.

I love it when I accidentally do things very right.

Note from the best Lord of Chaos out there

There are some out there that might call my little ploy too large of a gamble. After all, why risk showing my hand? To those, I say bah. What’s life without a little risk?

For those of you that don’t know, Grogar was an old ram, a goat with his mind set on power. He managed to learn magic and used it for dark, evil deeds. I might or might not have had something to do with that. There isn’t much evidence of him left anymore, not after Celestia decided to hide things. Of course, if you know where to go, meeting him isn’t impossible…

But anyway, since I finally sort of confirmed my freedom, I decided to have a little… fun. With that goal in mind, I decided to pay some visits to a few friends.

“Taya dearest, it’s time to wake up,” I whispered, poking her with a talon. She swatted at me with a hoof, definitely not getting up. “That wasn’t an option,” I flatly said, flipping the bed that was connected to the floor.

She tumbled to the floor, looking around and blinking wearily. “What? You!”

“Yes, me. I have a task for you, Taya. Would you be interested in doing me a favor?”

“…What kind of favor?”

“Something simple, of course. I need you to guide the human to a certain location. There’s an old friend there waiting for him. Of course, don’t tell him that. Just say that you want to go exploring the city some more. The spies in his eyes won’t see any problems with that.”

“That sounds… easy. Where are we going?”

A scrap of paper with the address appeared in my lion paw and I set it on a table. “Go to that address before tomorrow.”

“Okay. Why’d you go away for so long?”

“Because you didn’t need my guidance. And of course, I’m never truly that far away.”

“But… Daddy keeps calling you his enemy. A monster that killed off humanity… Is that true?”

“I have never killed anyone, Taya.” Not directly, at least. “But I am the enemy of the two royal sisters and they do watch him. Of course he would say that I’m his enemy and that he has cause to hate me.”

“Oh. So you don’t want to hurt us?”

“I just want to have a little fun, Taya. How would hurting either of you be fun?” Unless I happened to be slightly sadistic, of course…

She was silent for a few seconds before looking at the paper I left on the table. “Before tomorrow?”

“Before tomorrow. It’s rude to keep friends waiting, after all. Trust me, the three of you will have a smashing time!”

“Well… Okay. What’s the harm in seeing a friend?”

“Excellent! I’ll be sure to let him know you’re coming. I will see you soon, Taya. Tata for now!” Before she could ask any more of her numerous questions, I disappeared and reappeared next to a certain little friend of mine, who was glaring at a group of passing school-colts and wishing he was in a place more female friendly. “You know,” I idly commented since only he could see or hear me, “at that age, they’re basically the same anyway, as long as you’re behind them.”

Miguel cursed softly, one paw gripping a dagger and his other shooting out claws as he whirled to face me. When he saw me, his eyes immediately widened. “So you were real!”

“Were and am. No erotic fever dream was I, though you might have preferred that. We made a deal, Miguel. Your life in exchange for services. I’m calling on you now.”

“In the middle of a crowded marketplace? You must be mad.”

“Well, of course I am! You would be too, if you were me. But it’s not like crowds matter if they’re busy being frozen.” He blinked, looking around to see none of the ponies around him moving.

“If you have the power to do this, why do you need me?”

“It isn’t the place of the pawn to question, Miguel. I don’t need you. You’re just useful.” And since I have no intention of rewarding you, it’s not like any of this matters. “Now, do you want your task, or would you prefer to have a gaping stomach wound open so you can bleed out here instead of a few years ago?”

“I listen, then. What do you want?”

“When you return to your room, you will find a special dagger and a scrap of paper with an address. Go there and wait one full day. Kill anyone that steps inside with that dagger. Simple.”

“Who am I waiting for?”

“Oh, an old friend of yours. He’ll be bringing a guest, who you can play with if you want.” Not that I expected my little kitty to win, of course. “Just as long as neither leave the building, feel free to do as you like to them.”

“Hmm… So I get to toy with my prey. Nothing any different than what I already do. Very well, monster.”

“Monster, master, close enough. Do have fun, now!” Before he could respond—not that he would—I snapped and disappeared, getting ready to watch the show. I quite love it when titans clash. And watching a certain human bumble his way through another horror show will be ever so amusing.

Especially when someone else will be doing all the real work.

With the strange business of that mare out of the way, I was free to go about my business as I needed. Of course, I had absolutely no business to go about. There were no events I wanted to attend, no one I really cared to see all that much, and for some reason, I had a horrible tension in my chest that just wouldn’t go away.

That in itself was enough for me to decide that I needed to get laid. My mind cursed itself immediately for deciding to get in a relationship, but I quashed that thought down. A good relationship would probably do wonders for my mental health, even if it meant I was stuck with one person for sex.

That said, it remains to be seen if this actually was a good relationship…

“Getting laid won’t help,” Flo told me as I got dressed.

“Maybe, maybe not. But either way, I’ll have gotten laid, and that’s never a bad thing.”

“Never? Even with Luna?”

“…Almost never a bad thing. Besides, it’ll give me an excuse to get off this damn ship.”

“This tension might be there for a reason, Nav. Maybe you shouldn’t get off the ship. After all the trouble you’ve been through, you might have picked up a kind of sense for it. Just call this a lazy day and stay here.”

“Hm. There are plenty of games on the laptop… Wait, do I really want to fall back into that hermit phase? Playing games and writing instead of going out and doing things? I’ve been down that road before, Flo.”

“Yes, but before, you made it a lifestyle. This is a single day. Consider it a break.”

I shrugged and was about to say sure when my door opened on up and in walked Taya. “Daddy, can we go back into the city today?”

“I dunno. I was thinking about calling today a lazy day. I don’t particularly enjoy parties in the first place, so not participating much in this one wouldn’t do me any harm.”

“But… it’ll be fun! And aren’t there other people that you know here and have to talk to?”

“A few I know, but everyone I really care about is going on the trip with us. And of course, there are some that might not be overly happy to see me. I mean, I guess we can go back, but don’t pretend that this trip is for me. Let me just finish getting dressed and we’ll go.”

“…Daddy, I think everyone already knows you’re here. Do you really need to hide?”

“They know I’m here, yes, but they don’t know where I am. This will help me avoid trouble or attention while we walk. I thought we went over this.”

She made no reply as I threw the cloak over my shoulders and let it settle. When its familiar weight was back on me, I started putting on weapons. “You don’t need those either, daddy,” she commented. “I can protect you!”

“I know you can. But I’m not so old that I can’t help protect myself yet. These are light and easy to conceal, so there’s no risk in carrying them. In fact, there’s more to gain.”

“…So you don’t trust me?”

God, how many times have we been over this? “I trust you plenty, Taya. But I also trust in steel and myself. And there we go…” I finished putting on weapons, not that there were too many to equip. “You ready?”

“Yeah. Can I lead the way?”

“Go for it. You got some destination in mind?”

“N-no! Just want to explore, is all.”

She always did like wandering around places, ever since I met her. “Guide the way, then. I’ll be right next to you.”

As she started walking off, Flo said, “That was a strange denial, Nav.”

I know. She probably wants to go somewhere but is embarrassed to say. This way she can just say we found whatever she wants while wandering.

“Makes sense. Just be careful. The feeling in your chest is still there and it might mean something.”

Might, might not. Could just be heartburn. I’ll avoid all the trouble I can, as usual. Just help me out. Don’t worry about the air elemental for a little while.

“Very well, though I have been feeling bursts of activity from her. In a city of this size, I imagine she’s had a number of pranking targets. Her days have not been idle.”

Well, if you feel her up close, let me know and I’ll see if I can veer us that way. I would very much like to talk to her again.

“As would I. She would be very useful in assisting us in finding others of her kind. Though if they’re trapped in boxes, it might be wise to keep them in boxes until we can find a way to contain them long enough to talk. Also, you should really talk to Taya.”

About?

“Kumani.”

We were off the docks by that point and into the city proper, so I didn’t have to worry about any of the crew overhearing us and possibly letting the words get back to Kumani. “So Taya, what do you think of Kumani?”

“She’s a dragon,” she answered without turning to face me.

“That’s what you know of her, not what you think of her. You didn’t get to spend much time with her, but from what you saw, what do you think?”

“…That it was a bad idea. She’s greedy and will probably always care more about herself than you.”

“That’s not necessarily true. Spike’s a dragon that isn’t a greedy little shit. Though to be fair, he wasn’t raised by dragons. I don’t think anything too bad will come of this. Hopefully.”

“She also seems really immature and possessive. What she did to Doppel was just mean!”

“Unfortunately, that’s the dragon way. I had a discussion with her about it, so hopefully it won’t happen again.”

“And if it does?”

“I might kick her ass to the curb. I’m willing to deal with some strangeness—after all, I’m a stranger in a strange land—but I know better than to give chance after chance now. If she pushes me, she’ll find herself on the losing side of an unpleasant fight. That does not mean you can push her into fucking up. I’m fair and I’m intelligent. If I find out that anyone is instigating problems on the ship, I’m going to be extremely unhappy.”

“You already told me that, daddy. I’m not a child.”

“I know, I know. But it’s going to happen eventually because this world operates on cartoon logic. I just want to avoid it for as long as possible since it’ll be such a big mess when it finally happens.”

“…Do you really think someone would do that?”

“Yeah. The crew I got is decent, but if we pick up any passengers that are more drama hounds, I can almost guarantee it. Even as we are, it’s only a matter of time.”

“Daddy, you’re weird.”

“Yep. Want some funnel cake?” We were passing by one of the free food tables at the time. I don’t know how they keep them stocked and fresh, but I blame magic. Given that it brought me free funnel cakes, I can’t really complain.

“Okay.”

“No funnel cake for you until you give me an answer that isn’t as shitty as ‘okay.’ And I’ll make sure to eat it really loudly if you don’t and it’ll be awkward for everyone.”

“Even you?”

“I’m your father. Part of my job is to embarrass you. If I have to embarrass myself to do it… Well, sacrifices must be made. Besides, I’m in disguise.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Yes, daddy. I would like a funnel cake.”

“Take one, then. I won’t stop you.” She gave me the weirdest look as her horn lit up and one of the cakes flew over to her. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. This is your own fault.”

“But you—Never mind.”

“Hey, you’re the one that chose to stay with me.”

We continued in silence as we ate. She eventually said, “You don’t regret it, though. Do you?”

“Nah. I can’t imagine where I would be right now if it weren’t for you.” Actually, I could very easily imagine it. I probably would have killed myself a month or two after coming back from Egypt if I didn’t have to take care of Taya.

Either way, saying that put a smile back on her face and on we walked.

I have to say, Stalliongrad had a lot of interesting things going on for the party, even if I wasn’t actually that keen on going out of my way to see most of it. Jugglers, mimes, ventriloquists, a few bands, and all kinds of other street performers were out in force. Of course, most of them would probably be there even without the party, but this gave me a chance to see the reactions of several different races to the performers.

…Most of the reactions didn’t exist. Most of the adults would throw them passing glances as they moved on. As always, the kids were the only ones that actually showed much interest. Surprisingly, Taya wasn’t an exception: She stopped to watch a few of them do their thing and watched with, if not childlike wonder, at least some mild form of interest.

Several blocks into the city and probably half an hour later, I was wondering if I could make any pocket change by juggling my daggers. I didn’t see any of the performers actually asking for or getting any bits for what they were doing, though. Come to think of it, I didn’t see any beggars, either. Actually, I hadn’t noticed any beggars in any of the pony cities I visited.

Maybe having their career choice tattooed on their asses had something to do with that.

While walking, some guy shoved a flyer at Taya and then quickly made himself scarce. “…What just happened?” she asked, picking the thing up from where it had fallen.

“Someone was in a hurry to give you something, it seems,” I commented. “What does it say?”

“Uh. It’s an invitation to some kind of—” She quickly broke off, her mouth hanging open and a blush burning across her face. “D-daddy, what’s… an orgy?”

I immediately ripped that page from her hands, crumbled it up, and tossed it in the nearest trash can. “Something you are far too young to attend. Sick bastard should have known that.”

“But I have my cutie mark now!”

“Taya, if you don’t know what an orgy is, you’re too young to attend one. I’ll tell you later. For now, let’s just keep moving.”

“…Okay.” And so on we went.

Now, I know this is a male majority city and a lot of the guys probably really need to get laid. I can understand that. But to go handing that stuff out to girls Taya’s age? That’s just all kinds of fucked up. I don’t even want to imagine what might have happened if I hadn’t been around.

At some point I must have zoned out, because after a few seconds of walking, I realized that Taya wasn’t next to me anymore. That almost made me nervous before I saw her purple and white tail entering what looked like an antique store a few feet back. I quickly rushed to join her, not wanting to leave her alone for long in this city. Especially not in an antique shop in a place as magical as Equestria.

When I got inside, I immediately felt justified in my decision. The mare behind the counter was your stereotypical freaky gypsy merchant that sells cursed items on purpose. And most of the antiques in the room had a kind of metallic sheen to them that I recognized from enchanted objects.

“Looking for something… interesting?” the merchant asked.

“Interesting isn’t always good,” I said by way of reply. “I see that most of the items here are enchanted. How many of them are cursed and how many are actually useful?”

“Everything that is truly useful comes with a price, my dear. That is the way of the world.”

“A price in bits or a price in… other terms?”

“Usually both, in my experience. But I keep the truly interesting things in the back. If you care to see any, by all means, ask…”

Taya was looking over some of the accessories for some reason. “What does this one do?” she asked, using magic to lift up a nifty looking hat.

“That keeps the sun out of your eyes,” the mare answered. “Cloth doesn’t hold magic nearly as well as metal, though even that doesn’t hold as well as it works. You, human, I sense you have an object of power that not even our greatest magi could make.”

“I have more than one. Three of them are on me right now.” I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of asking how she knew who and what I was. “I’m not interested in selling, either.”

“I didn’t imagine you would be. But a trade, perhaps?”

“Nope. I know what the objects I have do. I have no idea what anything you give me might do.”

“Fair, fair…”

“What about this?” Taya asked, holding up a ring.

“That little thing makes you immune to most common diseases, I do believe,” the mare answered. “Not very useful if you live in a city full of unicorns, but for an adventure? Well, you never know…”

“Hey, if enchanted items like these exist, why aren’t they more commonplace?” I asked. “Shit like that ring would be really useful.”

The old mare chuckled and replied, “Because, Navarone, this shop is very well hidden. It only shows itself to those that we think might need the items we have. Enchanted items are rather rare due to the small number that know the spells or have the strength to cast them. What you see here represents what is likely a fourth of the total number of enchanted items that are known to exist.”

As soon as she said my name, I felt the tension in my chest release. My eyes narrowed. “What are you? And what is this place?”

“Not everyone that fights him is on your ship,” she said by way of answer. “And this is a simple antique shop that has a few more enchantments than usual on it. If you looked outside right now, all you would see is the void…”

I didn’t take the bait to look. “What do you want with us, then?”

“All we want is to help you.”

“So give me everything here. That would be pretty damn helpful.”

And there’s that little chuckle again. “Now now, you know that isn’t how things work. It would be far too easy. No, what you may do is pick one item each. And if you care to trade any of your magic items, you can get one for one on some of the more… unique items.”

Should have brought the fucking gender stones. “Alright. You seem to know a lot more about us than we know about you. So what should we get?”

The old mare’s smile deepened. “For your little filly, I suggest an amulet I just… obtained from an old friend.” She reached behind her and pulled a necklace down from the wall. It featured the head of a unicorn with red eyes and a set of wings on either side of the head, simulating an alicorn. At its center was a red jewel of some kind. “This is known as the Alicorn Amulet, an item of immense power. But as always, power comes at a cost.”

“What kind of cost?” I asked, snatching the amulet from the air as Taya tried floating it to herself.

“Wise to ask. Its use is addictive and the longer you use it, the darker you become. The effects are reversible with time and as long as it is used sparingly, it is harmless. In return, it grants immense power.”

“So it turns you into a paranoid bitch at the cost of power. Those are the exact kind of personality traits that you don’t want someone with power to have.” I dropped the amulet down on the counter. “Hell no.”

“What?!” Taya yelled. “Daddy, that sounds amazing! I don’t have to use it all the time, just when I need it!”

“Yes, and its use is addicting. You put that fucker on and do some magic, you’re going to want to keep it on. Hell, it might get to the point where I have to keep my ring on just to keep the damn thing away from you.”

“Please? I promise I won’t go mad with power!”

I sighed, looking at the amulet and thinking. “…Alright. I’ll let you take this on a few conditions. The first is that I will hold onto it and I will decide when you need it. You use it for what we need and then immediately take it off. The moment you don’t take it off when I tell you is when I throw the fucker in the ocean. If I catch you trying to use it behind my back without an extremely good reason, it goes in the ocean. And we tell everyone on the ship what it is and what it does so they’ll know what to look for if you start using it. Okay?”

And then I had a daughter hugging my leg, a big smile on her face. “Alright! So can I keep it?”

I slid it in a pocket. “Yeah. You’ll get it when I think you need it. So miss shopkeeper, what do you have for me?”

“I have a few offers for you, young warrior. The first is an offer of knowledge, a book thought long lost that I guarantee would interest and benefit you. The world it contains is… amazing.” That wording was strange, but before I could comment, she continued, “The second is a necklace of true seeing. There will be illusions in your travels and this will allow you to see their true nature.” If it weren’t for changelings, I’d say that my ring would work just fine for that. “The last is a mystery item. I guarantee it will be useful, but I can’t tell you what it is.”

“Hm… Both the amulet and the book would be useful to have.” Flo, what do you think?

“Communicate not with your guardian,” the mare quickly said. “She is not here to assist you in this, Navarone.”

“Alright lady, you’re pissing me off. How the hell did you even block her?”

“I honestly don’t know. I am merely the front for my group. But you have another whose advice you can ask.”

“…Taya, what do you think?”

“Twilight told me something once, daddy. Books are eternal and how wisdom is spread from one age to the next. If it would be useful… I say that.”

“The book it is, though I know there will be some place down the line when I will hate myself for this decision. Tell me, can I return to our ship and pick up some items to trade? I would love to get rid of those damn gender stones.”

“I’m afraid not. Once you leave, this shop will be nearly impossible to ever find again. And even if you do find it, the trade is a one-time only offer. Unless you want to trade the ring, the key, or the sword, this is it.”

“Fuck. What about the miscellaneous items around here? Can’t we get any of those?”

“For all of the bits you have on you at the moment, I will allow you to pick any of the lesser items here at random. They are all nondescript and indistinguishable.”

“And you won’t tell us what they do until we pay for it?”

“Precisely. If you want to make that deal, feel free to browse while I prepare your new book.”

“I hate gypsies so much,” I muttered as she walked off. If she heard, she made no indication. “Taya, grab a necklace at random. I only brought a small bag of money, so it’s not really a problem.”

“Why a necklace and not anything else?”

“So anyone can use it. Rings can only be used by someone with hands or a horn. Weapons can only be used by someone with hands. Armor can only be used by someone that it fits.” She shrugged and used magic to pull a necklace with a half-moon crescent on it. “Alright, no. I know she said none of the shapes meant anything, but I’m not taking shit that ties back to Luna.”

She blinked a few times before the realization hit her. When it did, she immediately put the thing back and pulled down a necklace with a simple, blank metal oval on it. “Is this okay?”

“Sure. Set it on the counter.” She did that while I pulled out my pouch of gold. As soon as both items touched down, the mare came back out with a rucksack held on her back. “We picked an item.”

“So I see.” She moved the backpack onto the counter and pulled the gold away, tossing the bag onto one of the shelves behind her. “Are you sure an amulet is what you want? Not a horn? Or a staff? Maybe even a rare spell book? There are items aplenty in this shop of mine. In merely looking around yourselves, you have scratched the surface.”

“Alright, I’ll bite. Give me an example of what a horn might do.”

“One might inspire your comrades in arms, pushing them to fight on even against overwhelming odds. One might dishearten your enemies, helping them break and flee before you.”

“Oh, that kind of horn. What about a staff?”

“It would allow anypony to use its spell a limited number of times per day. A staff of fireball, for example, would allow the user to throw five fireballs per day.”

“Anything else?”

“Rare books aplenty, though none that would be as definitely useful as the one I have here. Candlesticks that give their candles numerous effects such as a cloak of darkness for as far as candle’s unlight stretches. Flasks of infinite fluids. Compasses that point to various things. The list goes on, if you want to take a look around.”

“What about questions? Will you answer me if I ask you anything about your uh, organization? Or will you answer any questions about our enemy?”

“We both know the answer to that, Navarone. As much as I want to, I can’t answer your questions. It would draw the wrong kind of attention.”

“I am getting really fucking sick and tired of this cloak and dagger bullshit. Taya, grab a horn. I’d rather have something like that than an amulet that affects a single person.”

“Okay, daddy. But where are they?”

“To your left,” the shopkeeper answered. Taya wandered that way. “I know you’re tired of it, Nav. So am I. But there are rules in place, rules that can’t be broken. You aren’t alone and we do want to help, but there’s only so much we can do.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it. At least I’m getting something useful out of it…”

“Very true. Ah, is that the horn you want, little one?” Taya had come back, carrying a basic hunting horn with magic.

“Sure. It’s not like it matters since the choice is random, to us.”

“True, true. Let me get a good look at it, now…” With an appraising glint in her eyes, the mare gently took hold of the horn. “Ah, a horn of rallying. Only friends will hear it and when they do, they will know where you are and how to get to you. An interesting effect, one that is good for mazes or battlegrounds.”

“Interesting indeed. Taya, let’s go.”

I grabbed the knapsack and the horn and turned to the door, but was stopped. “A word of advice, Navarone. I know you want to read that book immediately, but you should wait. There will soon come a time when you will meet an old friend, one that will be very useful when you seek enlightenment within the book’s pages. I suggest you wait.”

Her warning done, I walked out of the shop, making sure Taya left with me. When we emerged, we were back on the windy streets of Stalliongrad, returned from wherever we had gone. I slipped the horn into the packsack without taking time to look at the book and threw it back over my shoulders.

“Let’s go back to the ship,” I said. “I don’t feel like doing anything else today.”

“Just a few more minutes?” Taya asked. “I promise I won’t find the craziest shop possible again!”

“…Sure, I guess. But don’t expect me to buy anything. That horn wasn’t cheap.”

“What horn?” Flo asked. “And when did you get a bag?”

Access my memories of the last ten minutes.

Taya replied, “Okay, daddy. Let’s go!”

“...The last ten minutes are us walking through the city, Nav. I just triple checked. The last thing I can see is you turning around to look for Taya. What happened?”

I took a short moment to explain what had transpired in the strange realm.

“And you picked the book? That’s—Well, actually that wasn’t too bad of an idea. I can usually tell when something is off. But still, the book over a necklace like that? Why?”

Knowledge is power, Flo. Yes, the necklace would have a definite use and wouldn’t be bad to have, but the book might have information about Discord in it. Anything I can learn will be more than I know and that would be useful.

“…True. And it might contain other things as well. After all, I don’t think she would trick you like that. But another point, this Alicorn Amulet. Are you sure you should ever let Taya use that?”

No, I’m really not. But I have it and it might be useful. And even if I don’t let her use it, any other unicorn presumably can. Preferably one with more experience.

“Watcher?”

Maybe. At the very least, I need to tell him about the shop. If anyone would know what the hell that was, it would be him.

“True. Make sure to do that. Whatever it was… it’s more powerful than an elemental. Or at least, more powerful than the small amount of me that is in you and rather far away from my main body.”

“Daddy, can we go in here?” Taya suddenly asked. The building to which she was referring looked like a nasty, run down warehouse that hadn’t seen an inspection team in years.

“Hell no. That place looks like the home of a damn serial killer.” As it turns out, I would later curse myself for those words.

“Please?”

“Why would you even want to go in that place? I can’t imagine anything interesting being in there. Just pony tetanus.”

“I just want to explore. It looks cool!” That doesn’t sound like her at all.

“…If you really want, I guess we can. I haven’t seen any bums, so I doubt any are in there. A quick look around won’t hurt.” Once again, I would come to hate myself for that wording.

My first impression of the place was crowded. Not with people, but rather with boxes. They formed an obstacle course that seemed highly possible to get lost in. I immediately wished Taya didn’t have such an exploratory nature. And with the wind from outside howling through the shattered windows of the decrepit storehouse, it sounded as though the entire place was breathing.

“Oh hell no. Come on, Taya, we’re leaving.” When the last word left my lips, I heard a soft giggling from behind one of the top boxes in front of us. We both looked up to see Miguel jumping down to stand in front of us. “Oh, it’s… you.” I did my utmost to keep the distaste out of my voice, but I can’t promise that it worked. “I think there are more comfortable places you could be, Miguel.”

“There are,” he replied.

The silence mounted for a few seconds before I said, “Well, we were just leaving. I’m sure I’ll see you later. Have fun.”

“I’m afraid you aren’t going anywhere,” he sighed. “It’s a shame that annoying monster wants you dead. Still, a deal’s a deal.”

“Wh—Fuck!” Before either Taya or I could react, he managed to slash my face with his claws and bound away back into the boxes.

When he was away from us, he laughed, using it to conceal the sound of his movements. “He couldn’t have picked a better hunting ground, though,” the insane cat whispered, his voice like the sound of a knife being unsheathed.

“Sure was nice of you to tell us that you were going to kill me while we were standing right in front of the door, you stupid piece of shit. Let’s go, Taya. Quickly.”

And of course, as soon as I said that, another set of laughter echoed through the building, though that one was wildly different. I whirled around to jump out the doors only to find a blank wall behind me.

“...Okay, this is bad, but we can still get out. Taya, teleport us out.”

“This… it’s all wrong! He told me it was a friend!”

I knelt down and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look at me. “You’re going to explain what that means later. But right now, I need you to teleport us out.” Taya seemed to be in full blown panic mode for some reason. I didn’t really want to slap her, but I also didn’t really want to fight fucking Miguel. So I lifted my hand to slap her…

And that’s when I saw her eyes jerk behind me.

That meant he was behind me, probably rushing me. Every single instinct I had told me to jump aside. And I ignored every single one of them. If I moved out of the way, he would hit Taya. So instead of jumping to the side like I should have, I jumped backwards into him, catching the jagged knife through the meat of my right shoulder. The good news is that it threw him off balance and ripped the dagger from his hand. The bad news is that the pain was more intense than it had any right to be, even in an extremely painful shoulder wound.

Taya actually yelped in fear when I jumped back from her. Thankfully, Miguel abandoned his knife and booked it, giving me time to sit up and look down at the throbbing wound. “F-flo, numb me,” I whispered.

“I can’t fix this, Nav! Not with that thing still in you!”

“That’s why I said numb me! Taya, watch my fucking back.”

“HE LIED TO ME!”

“That’s not the sound of you watching my back! Flo, hurry the fuck up!”

“I’m trying. Your body can only do so much, Nav. And calm down. I… I think the knife might be… sucking in blood.”

“That’s impos—” While saying that, I looked down at the tip protruding from my shoulder to find that it was, in fact, possible; there was no blood on it. “W-what?”

“I have no idea, but you need to get that thing out of you right now!”

“Fucking…” I tried moving my right arm, but it wasn’t cooperating. Probably something to do with the hunk of steel in it. “Taya, I really, really need you to stop panicking. We are both going to die if you don’t help me.”

At that point, she looked more angry than panicky, actually. “I’m going to kill him!”

Flo sighed. “Nav, I’m about to do something very dangerous. When you can’t feel your arm anymore, reach around and rip the dagger out. You have to be quick or you might get nerve damage.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Now!” My entire right arm and shoulder went dead, completely killing the pain and any sensations I felt there. As if unbidden, my left hand reached around behind me and my wings jerked out of the way as it gripped the dagger. My upper body leaned back as my left hand ripped the dagger away from my body with a vague tugging sensation. “That… tore more than I thought,” I heard Flo whisper. “Nav… I’m gonna have to take control. I have to turn your nerves back on, but it would hurt enough to make you pass out.”

“Don’t you dare get me killed,” I hoarsely answered as she pulled me into my mind. Thankfully, I couldn’t feel shit from my physical body in there.

You don’t need to worry about that, she thought at me. But I can only control you for a short time. Less than twenty minutes, probably. You’re too far away.

“Then make it count. Kill that son of a bitch.” I knew I should have put that bastard down a long time ago.

Instead of killing that son of a bitch, she reached out her left hand to Taya, setting it on her cheek. “Taya, I really need you right now. Please.”

Taya seemed to flinch back. “Y-yes, daddy. I just… What do you need?”

“Can you teleport us out?”

Taya’s horn lit up brightly, but nothing happened. “It’s… not working,” she whispered, her voice strained.

“Then can you heal me?”

She moved her head to my wounded shoulder, her horn still lit up. Once again, nothing happened. “Why isn’t anything working?!”

Miguel’s laughter echoed around us. “That dagger was special,” he taunted. “I didn’t know how, but now I do. It steals your blood even now!” Flo looked back where she had dropped the knife and gasped. Blood from my body was being pulled down to the dagger. She kicked it away in shock and the flow stopped as it skittered away before embedding into a box.

“You need to move!” I told her. “If you stay here, you’re both sitting ducks.”

“Taya, we need to move, find a way out of here.”

She shook her head, a manic smile coming to her face. “I’ll burn him out!” she harshly said.

Flo and I both shouted, “No!” Thank God, it wasn’t too late. Flo explained, “If you light a fire in here, it’ll kill us as well as him! We can’t get out, remember? We’d be trapped too. Just help me up and let’s go.” Taya grit her teeth and used magic to lift my body up. “...That works. Just help me get the gun ready.”

“I want him alive if possible,” I said as Taya pulled the gun off my body.

“Leave it empty. Just pump it to max,” Flo told her. “Shotgun.”

More laughter. “So you got a new toy,” Miguel said. “I’ll enjoy learning how that one works…”

“Let’s move, Taya,” Flo said, holding the now armed gun up with my off hand. Taya was still holding my body up with magic, so she started walking in one direction, floating us behind her facing the other. That way, we at least had two directions covered.

“Fucker’s a serial killer,” I said, trying to keep my nerves under control. “He’ll talk and talk, wait until you’re too weak to fight back. And he knows we’re trying to protect Taya, now. He’ll use her against us.”

Then that will be the mistake that kills him, Flo answered.

“Leaving that knife behind was a mistake,” his voice whispered from nearby. Flo whirled toward where it came from and saw a shadow skittering away.

“Windows on all sides,” I quietly said. “That shadow could be from anywhere…” Our head returned to the front, slowly swiveling to try to spot him as we moved. Every time we heard a sound, Flo flinched toward it. “Stay calm, Flo,” I said. “It’s like hunting. Don’t ever make a sudden move unless you have to. Slow and steady; don’t let him know you know he’s there. You’re not the prey, you’re the predator. Just keep that in mind.”

She… attempted to move slower. She was still rather jerky, but that was totally understandable. Taya was the one I was truly worried about. She was constantly whispering, “I’ll kill you,” over and over again.

“Calm her down, Flo. Three of us, one of him.”

“Don’t you worry, Taya. There’s three of us and one of him. We’ll be just fine.”

“No there’s not, daddy,” she solemnly answered. “There’s two of them. And I’m going to kill them both.”

“The fuck is she smoking?” I asked.

Something had to move the door, Flo thought.

“...We can deal with that later. Miguel is something we can hunt down and kill. Well, capture, interrogate, and then kill.”

“What…” Flo looked down at her right shoulder to see blood flowing… up. Her eyes slowly lifted up above us to see Miguel crouched down on the top of one of the things of boxes, smiling. As soon as he saw us looking, he fucking pounced.

And immediately went crashing into the boxes from a blast of air coming from nowhere. “You won’t hurt him!” a female voice screamed.

“What the fuck?” I quickly asked.

“Air elemental,” Flo whispered, eyeing the damage in wonder.

“No time to gawk,” I said. “You need to move!”

...Right! “Taya, quickly!” Flo loudly said, presumably pushing the elemental from her mind.

Taya needed no urging and was already running, looking for a way into the next aisle over, where he landed. By the time we got there, he was gone… I just hissed a curse as Flo looked around for any sign of him.

“We’ll find him,” Taya whispered, her horn lighting up and her eyes closing. For some reason, I became deaf. And then a blast of pure sound shot out of her horn, exploding across the room and shaking the barrels. A surprised yowl came from a few aisles over and Taya began galloping that way…

Leaving me behind. “Taya!” both Flo and I shouted as we fell to the ground. “The arm’s fucked, not the legs! Run, dammit!” I shouted. Thankfully, Flo quickly started chasing after her, but with the sound still echoing around the room, the howling wind from the pissed elemental, and Taya’s head start, it was impossible to keep up. Soon, we were alone.

Flo swallowed loudly, lifting up the rifle. “I… I don’t like this,” she whispered.

“You have wings,” I said. “There’s enough room in here to use them. At the very least, get on top of some of these damn boxes. With Taya gone, the game’s changed.”

“Okay… Okay, I can do this…” She had to stand parallel to the boxes to be able to spread the wings all the way, but she was in the air quickly enough and on top of the boxes a second later, struggling to catch her balance from the less than graceful landing. Thankfully, a short burst of wind pushed us upright.

“Flo, now really isn’t the time to grow nervous and clumsy,” I said as calmly as I could.

It’s different when I’m in control, okay!

“I know it is. But you’re not going to let me down, Flo. We’ll get through this. Keep an eye out for Taya, because unless she’s screaming, we’ll never hear her in this.”

Even from our perch upon the boxes, we could see almost no movement in the large warehouse. Nearly a minute after we got up top, the hellishly loud sound suddenly cut out. I really, really wanted to call out for Taya, but I also didn’t want to give away our position.

“Flo, load lethal rounds. If the worst happened, he’ll be getting back on the boxes soon. And if it did… I don’t want him alive. I’d almost feel too bad to torture him.”

It took her a few seconds to do it with only one good hand, but she managed it. After she did, we began panning our eyes around the room again, hoping to see anything, but hoping above all to see a purple filly. Thankfully, a thought came to me.

“Flo, this rifle has a thermal scope.”

That made finding them so, so much easier. She flicked that fucker on and zoomed out as far as it could go. And thank God, the only heat signature in the room was something the size of Taya. I didn’t even have to tell Flo to go; as soon as she saw it, she spread my wings and took off.

When we got there, she was just sitting there, staring off into space.

Bleeding.

Thank God, it was only a cut along one of her front legs. “It… it hurts,” she whispered when Flo wrapped her in a hug.

“I know, Taya,” we both whispered. “We need to get out of here,” Flo continued. “Can you walk?”

“He… just jumped out at me. No time… I don’t even know what happened…”

Flo slowly turned to where Taya had been looking to see two daggers and a lot of fine black ash. Thankfully, they were far enough away that it wasn’t pulling blood from me. “It’s okay, Taya,” Flo whispered, setting our good hand on her head. “But we need to go now. We’re both hurt.”

“I love you, daddy,” she answered.

“And I will always love you,” Flo replied. “Can you walk?”

“...Yes.” Taya slowly stood, favoring her leg. “H-how do you feel?”

“No pain at all,” Flo truthfully answered.

“Good, I think.”

“It’s really not,” I sighed. “Flo, get that vampire dagger before you go. Taya couldn’t close the wound, which means it’s probably magical. We’ll need help to do it.”

If I go near that thing, it’ll start making me bleed again.

“And if you don’t get it now, this cut might never close. Just grab it.” Flo used my body to sigh and walked over to it, wrapping it in fingers sticky with my life fluids. Sure enough, more began slowly draining as soon as we got close enough.

“Taya, can you teleport us now?” Flo asked, holding the knife at an arm’s length.

“I can try, but I’m really tired…”

She’s not the only one. I’ll hold on for as long as I can, but don’t expect that to be much longer.

“I can assure you that I’ve been in worse pain than whatever I’m in now,” I replied as Taya’s horn lit up.

Nothing happened. “I-I can’t… Too tired…”

Your body can’t carry her back.

“No, it can’t. But we have something that she can use to give her the strength. I don’t like it, but… Give her the amulet.”

Flo sighed and pulled the dark device from my pocket. “Taya, try it with this,” she said, passing it to the filly.

She looked at the amulet held in her hooves for a moment before nodding and slipping it around her head. Her eyes seemed to light up as a dark smile came to her face. When her horn lit up this time, it was a blood red. In an instant, we appeared back on the ship with Taya’s leg healed.

Flo immediately sagged to her knees, dropping the dagger to the deck. “Thank the waters,” she whispered.

Of course, on a ship like mine, you don’t instantly appear, bleeding, and expect to be left alone for long. We were almost instantly surrounded by guards. “What happened?” the one in front of me asked, laying a hoof on my good shoulder.

“Attacked,” Flo answered. “Get Zecora, give her the dagger, tell her it’s killing me.”

The guard looked to one of his companions and barked, “Go!” The other fellow grabbed the dagger and fucking went. The guy that was talking looked back to me. “Did you get the attackers? Are they coming here?”

Taya answered, “He’s dead.” The smile she had on was freaky as all hell and she was still wearing the damn amulet.

“Taya, take that thing off,” Flo quietly said.

“It looks quite nice on me,” she commented, lifting it up to look at it with a hoof.

“Give me control,” I calmly said.

Nav—

“I’m not asking.”

Flo sighed and thrust me back in. I immediately winced at the stinging pain, but pushed it back so I could reach around and grab the hoof holding the amulet. Taya looked up in surprise to see me glaring. “Take. It. Off,” I growled. She gulped and did so quite quickly. I snatched it out of her hooves and struggled to my feet, slipping the vile thing into a pocket. “I need to get to the infirmary,” I said to the guard, lifting my hand up to attempt to staunch the trickle of blood out of my shoulder.

“He must be taken to my room,” Zecora said. “To do otherwise spells his doom.”

“Then lead the way. I can walk.”

“To walk will get your blood flowing. Ride on a back. Now get going!”

I was about to tell her no when the guards forced me on someone’s back. Given that, I wasn’t about to argue. Unfortunately, getting carried and held on meant I didn’t have anything else to pay attention to, bringing the pain back to the forefront of my mind. I’m not needed here any longer. Flo?

She pulled me from consciousness, letting my body sag. “Well, that could have been a lot worse,” I commented, rolling my shoulders.

“I… I’m sorry I panicked, Nav.”

“I understand, Flo. You aren’t used to dealing with that stuff. You did well enough; we’re still alive, after all. And Taya’s just fine. It sucks that we’re stuck out of commission, but I didn’t want to leave the damn ship again anyway.”

“...Do you think Zecora can help you?”

“Probably. And if not, she’ll know how I can be helped. I picked this team for a reason. They know what they’re doing.”

“The naga’s going to be upset, you know.”

“Yeah… He probably will be.”

“Kumani, as well.”

I winced, thinking about how she might react. “I’ll… cross that road when I come to it. If push comes to shove, I’ll blame Sp—No, that would be a bad idea. I’ll blame Opal.”

“She won’t buy it.”

“Then I’ll kiss her until she isn’t angry anymore. It’s foolproof!”

“Right. We’ll see. So what do you want to do until then?”

“Hm. We could fu—Dammit. Oh, I have a good idea. I can show you the memories of the magic shop.”

“Yes, that would be a good idea. I can’t imagine how they could have blocked me from seeing it.”

And so I did. When the memories stopped, she hummed. “I… don’t know, Nav. I really don’t. You’ll have to ask Watcher. Or failing that, use Spike to send a letter to Celestia. She ignored evidence that Discord was free before, but now we actually have proof. I’m almost positive this attack was from him.”

“If he wanted me dead, why send something like Miguel after me? The fucker could kill me with a thought.”

“To prove a point, maybe? To show that even allies can be corrupted, maybe. Thinking about it, that could explain what happened to Blueblood.”

“A lot of things could explain what happened with him. We’ll need to talk to Taya. She seemed to have some idea about what was going on. If she somehow knows something I don’t… Well, I’ll be hella pissed, but I need to learn whatever she knows. Until then, though, I guess we just wait. There’s really not much else to do.”

“...Scrabble?”

“Flo, you’re a fucking dictionary. Let’s hit up the dream world, I guess. Might as well see what good I can do…”

Another note from Discord

My my, two in one chapter? I’m on a roll!

Anyway, with Miguel taken care of and Taya once again alone in her room—crying, of course—I decided it was time for another appearance. I appeared back in her room with a large smile on my face. “You did it, Taya! Wonderful job!” The bolt of lightning she immediately shot at me didn’t even make me flinch. “Are you ready for your next assignment?”

“I HATE YOU!”

“Now now, that’s no way to talk to me. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, my dear?”

“You lied! You said he was an old friend, not a… a MONSTER!”

“Well, he was an old friend. Navarone knew him from his time back in Egypt. And I did warn you that your time with him would be quite smashing, did I not? You can’t deny that it was definitely exciting!”

“I. Will. Kill. You!”

“How rude! You’d just cast me aside after everything I’ve done for you?”

“You didn’t do anything for me! You’re just a freak, a monster that wants to hurt us! Trying to turn me against my daddy… I’ll kill you!” Once again, she tried using magic against me. And once again, nothing happened.

“Oh, by all means! Kill me if you can. I promise that you won’t hear any complaints from me.” She pounced at me with a vicious snarl, attempting to strangle me. I just wrapped her in a hug. “Love you too, Taya dearest. But I’m afraid that I have to go now. I’ll be in touch.” I used my talons to peel her away from me. With the way she was struggling, I almost thought she might hurt herself. “I do wish you good luck with your new goal, by the way.”

With those final parting words, I dropped her and teleported away from that room, a large smile growing across my face.

Everything’s going according to plan...

When I next opened my eyes, the first thing to greet my vision was a set of very blue eyes. I flinched backwards and the changeling did the same with a squawk. With the sudden pain in my shoulder, I regretted it a lot more than the changeling did. Given that it was right back in my face, I don’t think it regretted it at all.

“Navi, you’re awake!” Eva merrily said, a smile coming to her fanged mouth.

“Sadly. Why are you right in my face? And where’s everyone else?” I was obviously in Zecora’s room, but it was lifeless save for the two of us.

“I’m your nurse! Well, for now. Also, I’m really hungry…”

“Nurses don’t usually creep their patients out, Eva. And that only answers one of my questions. Where’s Zecora? And Taya?”

“It’s really late at night and Zecora needed sleep. Mister Watcher let her use his bed! She said the first of many curses was broken on you, but I don’t know what that means. She’s really confusing sometimes!”

“Not sometimes. More like all the time. Now give me a hug. With as weak as I feel, I can’t promise to give you much, but I can spare a little love.”

She immediately pounced into bed and wrapped her freaky legs around me, a huge smile on her face. “Thank you, Navi,” she whispered as I gave her some good memories to steal. “Mm… You always have the best love.”

“Have you been taking it from anyone else?”

“Well… No.”

“Then of course I have the best. Now please let me go. You’re hurting my shoulder.” She shot away from me, blushing and stammering. “Relax, Eva. It’s okay. Do you know where all my stuff is?”

“In your room, I think. Do you need anything?”

“Water and some food. My body’s gonna need it to replace the blood I lost. Everything else can wait until morning.”

“Okay! I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere!” Before I could answer, she galloped from the room.

I just shrugged, something I immediately regretted from the stinging in my shoulder. “You need to be careful,” Flo told me.

“No shit. Can you tell me what the damage is?”

“You’re not bleeding anymore, at least. Some of your bones are sawn through and you have a hole in your shoulder. It’s bad, but not irreparable. Oddly enough, your body seemed to be… ignoring it.”

“Zecora said one of my curses was gone, not all of them. So I guess she managed to stop the bleeding but not the unhealable part.” A gentle probing of the area around the wound showed that I was bandaged up and presumably had stitches to keep it closed.

Eva got back quickly enough, thankfully. A feeling of hunger was growing in my belly and was likely to announce itself to the world by the time she got there. “Zecora said you had to have soup for some reason…” Eva said, holding the bowl up.

“Eh. Just set it somewhere and I’ll manage.” Holding the bowl and eating would be impossible with one fucked hand.

The smile on her face disappeared for about two seconds before an even bigger one showed up. “I’ll feed you!”

Oh God, please no… “I… can manage on my own, I think.”

“You could, but you won’t have to. Not with Eva here!” One of her hooves grew some creepy fucking fingers and grabbed the spoon. “Open wide for the train, Navi!” she said with a laugh, lifting the spoon to my mouth. “Choo choo!”

“Real—Mmf!” She shoved the damn thing in my mouth as soon as I opened it. I swallowed the thankfully good soup and tried again. “Dammit Eva, st—” And there was another spoonful of soup. I just glared at her.

“Hee hee! You’re fun, Navi. Now open wide!” If I wasn’t so hungry, I would deny her just to do it. Sadly, it seemed that my choices were starve or consent to be fed. I sighed and opened my mouth. “Yay!” I died a little inside with each swallow. The punishment didn’t end soon enough. “All done, Navi!” She reached out and rubbed my stomach. “Was it good?”

“Eva, please stop…”

“Aw… Well, I need to go take this back now. See you soon!” She trotted back out, carrying the bowl in a sickly green aura of magic.

“Shut up, Flo,” I said before she could even comment. Thankfully, she heeded my words. That left me to mope in silence until Eva got back.

“So what now?” she sweetly asked.

“We could go to sleep. Or rather, you could go to sleep and I could go play with dreams.”

“I’m supposed to watch you. Zecora said so! Er… I think.”

“Well, you’d get really bored out here all alone…”

“You could tell me a story!”

“Fuck it, why not. How about I tell you about Goldilocks and the three bears?” And so things went until morning.

Somewhat late into the morning, Zecora finally made her reappearance. “Ah, I see you are once again awake. Do try not to get stabbed, for goodness sake. That dark dagger carried a dangerous curse, one that required your new lovely nurse. One I was thankfully able to break, though it took plenty of water from the lake. There are other curses on you, so there is little you can do. Stay in bed and get plenty of rest while I try to get you at your best.”

“That’s doable,” I answered. “But does it have to be your bed? Also, I really need to talk to Watcher and then Taya.”

“Watcher is weary from a long night. I swear, I can’t let him from my sight. Last I saw of Taya, she went to go weep. From her, I haven’t recently heard a peep.”

I sighed, sitting up out of bed. “I better go talk to her, then…”

“That arm must be in a sling, or else all will hear you sing.”

“Then sling it. I’ve comforted her while worse off. Just do it quickly.”

“Try to sit still; this cannot kill.” She began scrounging around her room for stuff to make a decent sling. Soon enough, she had my arm set up so it couldn’t easily move.

“Thanks, Zecora. Did you manage to save the dagger?”

“I have it somewhere in here. Go and take care of your dear.”

I tenderly stood, trying not to jostle my arm any. Gravity was no match for my forced fatherly instincts, so I quickly started walking down to Taya’s chamber. Or at least, I tried to; the naga was standing in my way as soon as I left Zecora’s room. “Human,” he almost growled.

“...Naga,” I answered.

“We will discuss this.”

“Later, I hope?”

“Sooner or later. You will not leave this ship without a talk with me.”

“...Alright, that’s fair. Now uh, I need to go talk to Taya.”

“Very well.” He stared at me a moment longer, presumably making sure I got the message, before slithering off.

Well, that was creepy. With him gone, I continued on my way. Eva followed me, presumably still in nurse mode. When we got there, I put my good hand on her head. “Eva, wait here.”

“Aww…”

With her out of the way, I knocked on Taya’s door. “Go away!”

Yeah, she’s fine. I did the opposite of going away, instead opening the door. “I feel like we’ve been here before,” I idly commented as I stepped inside, sliding the door shut behind me, though it took me a second to remember I had to use my off hand. She was quite a mess at this point, likely not having slept very well.

She just sniffled and said, “I’m so sorry, daddy…”

“Why? It isn’t like this was your fault, Taya.”

“Yes it was! Discord tricked me!”

Now that stopped me. “What?”

“He… he told me there was an old friend there waiting for us! And that I needed to take you to meet him!”

“Well… I wouldn’t really call Miguel a friend, but that isn’t otherwise untrue. How did you know it was Discord?”

“I…” She wasn’t going to give me much in her condition.

I sat down next to her on the bed and wrapped my arm around her, pulling her into my lap. “You can always tell me anything, Taya. What do you know about Discord?”

She was still silent, even as I started rubbing her back. Finally, she said, “He… came to me one night, a long time ago. In my dreams… He told me… He told me that you were just a puppet. That Celestia was bad and he was good. He showed me so many wonderful things…”

I went from calm to instantly pissed. The only reason I didn’t punch the nearest object is because Taya was the nearest object. I reigned the anger in carefully, trying to show her that I wasn’t upset with her. “So he used me against you. That’s… interesting. Do you remember how long ago this was?”

“Almost two years, I think…”

“How often did you see him?”

“Just… a few more times. Not often. He… showed me something called true magic and made sure I knew how to use it.”

See, now that sounds ominous and I knew it was something that I needed to ask about later. “Did he ever hurt you?”

“No… He seemed really nice. Even after he tricked me and came back, he was really nice…”

“Satan is a masterful liar. If you ever see him again, just ignore him. Don’t listen to his offers and don’t accept any deals. And tell me. I want to punch that motherfucker in the face.”

“I don’t think it would hurt him… Lightning didn’t.”

“It would still make me fucking feel better. Fucking dickwad…” I sighed and patted her back. “But I need to go lie down. Zecora said I need bed rest.”

“I’m coming with you!”

“By all means. And don’t worry, Taya. I don’t blame you for what happened. Everyone’s fallen for tricks at some point in their life. Now you know what to watch out for.”

“I know, daddy. I know…”

We were in my room for a little while, doing shit on the laptop, when Watcher stopped by. “Feel well, sir?” he asked.

“Better than I was, that’s for damn sure,” I answered, closing the laptop. “I have things for you to do. First, do you know what the Alicorn Amulet is?”

“No sir. Do you need it researched?”

“If possible, but that’s secondary. I obtained it recently.” Since I was still wearing the pants from last night, I dug it out of the pocket and held it up. “This is it. Basically what it does is give a unicorn a tremendous power boost at the cost of being addictive to use and corrupting you over time. Its negative effects slowly wear off after you take it off.”

“Sounds… dangerous, but useful.”

“It is. I’m only telling you so you’ll know what to be wary of in case someone takes it from my room.”

“I will watch for it, then. Where did you get it?”

“That’s the second thing, the more important one. While we were in the city yesterday, Taya entered a random shop. I followed her inside. It led us to a magic bazaar of some kind, where hundreds of enchanted items were on display. Upon looking outside the windows, it appeared that we were in a void. An old gypsy lady was at the counter and knew quite a lot about me, Taya, the crew, and our mission. She was able to silence Flo somehow. She gave us the amulet and some mysterious book that I haven’t opened yet. I want to know who she was, where that shop is, and what organization she’s working for.”

“I’ve… never heard of anything like that. Sir, can I view the memories in your mind? It might give me an idea of what to look for.”

“Go for it, I guess. While you’re at it, watch the memory of the fight, as well. That was an assassin sent by Discord.”

He walked over, his horn lighting up. “I’ll try to make this quick, then.” With that, he probed my mind, shuffling through the memories I gave him. About five minutes later, he backed off. “So it seems that we aren’t as alone as we thought. You and Flo make a formidable team, Navarone. Is there anything else you need, or shall I go get looking?”

“Start looking. We’ll be leaving this place as soon as we get everyone on board, so search while you can. But if you find anything, don’t expect me to look at it; I’m not taking a foot off this damn boat until we’re out of Stalliongrad.”

“Understandable. Get well soon, sir. I’ll be back when I find anything.”

And then it was just the two of us again. “He’s weird,” Taya commented.

“Yeah. But he’s a useful weird. Back to the laptop?”

She nodded, but before I could open it, a guard appeared at my door. “Sir, there’s a dragon outside looking for you. We told her you were unwell and she… got a little upset.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes, setting the laptop on the bed. “I’ll go talk to her,” I groused, standing up.

“Good luck, sir,” the guard said, stepping out of my way. Taya hopped to follow me. Somehow, I knew that this couldn’t end well.

When I got outside, things seemed somewhat tense. Kumani was glaring daggers at the guards and they were keeping a wary distance from her. None of them looked scared, but they definitely seemed rather reluctant. One does not fight with a dragon and expect to get away unscathed, after all. My appearance seemed to break the stalemate, as Kumani grinned when she saw me. “Nav!”

“That’s me,” I calmly answered. “Did you need something?”

“What happened to you?” she asked, pushing the guards aside to get a better look at my wound. I wasn’t wearing a shirt, so it was rather obvious that I was hurt.

“An old enemy sent me a message. It came in the form of an assassin with a cursed knife. I’m… recovering.”

“That sucks. You want to go do something?”

“No. I’m tired of this damn city and I’m not leaving the boat until we’re away from this place. No more getting stabbed for me, dammit.”

“But you’ll miss the tournament!”

“I can’t compete with a fucked up arm. If anyone asks why I’m not there, tell them what happened and that I can’t move my arm.”

“Nav, you can get over this quickly. Don’t be such a wimp.”

“How about I stab you in the shoulder with a fucking vampire blade that eats your blood and see how you handle it? Even with my thick blood, I still lost a lot. If I tried fighting right now, I’d pass out. I’m not going to risk it.”

Kumani sighed and slowly nodded. “That… makes sense, I guess. Alright, then. You want me to stay here with you? Make sure nothing else hurts you?”

“I’ll be fine. I just need some rest. Go enjoy what’s left of the party. Tell everyone bye. Do whatever. I’m planning on leaving when the blacksmith gets here, so try to get ready to go. Alright?”

“Alright, I can do that. I’ll see you soon, Nav.” She leaned in and gently kissed me, earning a few gasps from those on deck.

“See you soon,” I answered her when she pulled away. She smiled and took off, leaving the ship and all the stares behind. When she was gone, they transferred to me. “What? You’ve never seen a dragon fly before? Bah!” I went back down the stairs to my room, Taya once again following me. Whispers probably started as soon as we got out of sight, but I don’t care about that.

My next guest was the naga, a thin smile on his face. Taya wasn’t in my room at the moment, busy doing something or another. “I have something for you, Cain,” he announced, slithering inside. I gasped at what I saw. “Yes, it’s glorious. And just in time, too; you need protein.”

I nodded and started tasting the naga’s sausage as soon as he got close enough. “Mmm, I missed this so much. And it’s nice and juicy!”

“Yes, I knew you would like it,” he slyly commented, chuckling. “Eat up. There’s plenty more where that came from.”

I didn’t want to talk with my mouth full, so I swallowed the load before grinning. “I love your sausage, man. It’s the best.”

“If you wait a moment, I can give you more.”

“Nah, these meat balls look fine.” They were way too big for my mouth, so I took them slow and steady, getting the most out of it. I finished off with a nice swallow of thick milk. “Ahh, I needed that…”

“You and me both, Cain. I feel much better now.” He paused a moment as we both recovered before saying, “It’s nice that Gilda finally made herself useful; she brought plenty of meat back with her when she finally returned to the ship.”

“Gilda’s finally back?” I asked, setting the plate and glass of milk on the bed.

“Indeed. Apparently she has friends here. Meat trading friends. It’s nice to know that we won’t have to constantly hunt or fish to keep our supply up.”

“Yeah. And thank you, Ames. I’m sorry about the whole leaving you here thing. Taya just asked if I wanted to go into the city and I never even thought to bring you.”

“That was unwise.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice. I got fucking stabbed, remember? Doesn’t matter now, though; I’m not planning on going back into that city unless I absolutely have to. And if I do go, it’ll be while armored and accompanied by you and a few other guards.”

“Good. Tell me, how did the fight go?”

“Poorly. I didn’t even get a chance to draw my sword before I got stabbed from behind. Taya ended up killing him.”

“That is… a shame. But all that matters is that you got back. How is your wound?”

“Feeling fine, as long as I don’t move it too much. Thankfully he didn’t take out my heart with it.”

“Yes, that would have been inconvenient. Well, I shall allow you to rest.” He took the empty plate and glass back from me and moved back to the door. “If you need me for anything else, just let me know.”

“Will do. See you, Ames.” And then I was once again alone…

It took the damn minotaur until the seventh day of the party to get aboard my ship. With him came all of his tools, a ton of supplies, and… “Smiles.”

He was living up to his name, beaming like a madman. “Yes sir! It’s great to be back!”

God FUCKING dammit! “And just why are you back here?”

“I’m his assistant, helping him with blacksmithing and getting used to pony culture!”

“Do you even know anything about blacksmithing?” I sighed, face-palming.

“Of course! That’s what my cutie mark is in, sir. But the guard calls to all walks of life and Princess Luna needed more soldiers than blacksmiths, so that’s what I became.” I think he could actually hear my teeth grinding from where he was, as he suddenly looked somewhat nervous. “Uh… I should go help Master Jak with his tools…” He quickly snatched me in a hug, making me hiss in pain. “Oh, it’s just so good to be back!” He released me again, still smiling. “Talk to you soon, Nav!” And then he happily trotted away, his wings twitching in excitement.

“Well, at least things are interesting again,” Flo idly commented while I practically screamed on the inside.

And so it was that we left Stalliongrad behind. We were fully crewed, we had all the supplies we needed, and despite my injury, spirits were high. The Second Chance was once again on the move and things felt like they were in motion again.

If only we had known what we were getting into.

Chapter Ninety-Three—I’ve seen some shit

Chapter Ninety-Three—I’ve seen some shit

“So what’s our destination?” Flash asked when I called him and Watcher to the ‘planning room’ thing. “You never really specified, just that it was up north.”

Flo told me to bring the laptop to the room so she could communicate, so I set it on the main table with my good hand. “Honestly, I don’t know. But Flo should be able to tell us.” I opened the thing up and turned it on. “Did we get everything we needed while we were there? I know I was kind of in a hurry to leave.”

“We got everything,” Watcher said as I lifted my hand up to my ear. “But I didn’t find any information about that magic shop.”

“To be honest, I didn’t think you would,” I replied, helping Flo to the laptop. “They seemed rather elusive.”

“And powerful,” Flo suddenly said from the speakers, making both of the ponies jump. “Hello to both of you. We have not yet been formally introduced. I am Flo. Or at least, I am a part of her. The rest of me is trapped underground near the primary changeling hive.”

Flash seemed more off-put by that than Watcher, which was expected. “Nice to meet you,” Watcher calmly said. “So what’s our destination?”

A globe appeared on the screen, facing our general location. “This is around where we are, not far out from Stalliongrad. Our destination is…” The globe began turning until it was facing somewhere in the Arctic Circle, above Canada. “...here.” A red x appeared over the location. “This is the approximate location for the elemental that I believe would be the best one to free first. Once we get closer, I can get a better reading. And of course, this map is hundreds of thousands of years old, so the landscape will be different.”

“...That’s useless to me,” the captain said. “I need a location on my maps, not on some fancy globe.”

“Place your map of the area in front of the screen then, Captain,” Flo said. “I will give you a better reading.”

“Always wanted to see the Arctic,” I idly commented as Flash did as she requested.

“It’s cold, sir,” Watcher grimly answered. “Very cold and rather miserable. Ice as far as the eye can see with a single railway in and out. Celestia alone knows why even that is there.”

“Meh. We shouldn’t be there long, hopefully. Just gotta get in, cut through some ice, grab the chunk with the elemental, and get the fuck out. How bad could it be?”

“Never say that, Navarone. You should be smarter than that by now.”

“...Fair.”

The captain nodded at Flo’s string of coordinates and he used a pen to mark a point on the map. “We should be there within two weeks. It’ll take three if you want to go the long way, but we’ll hit less terrible weather.”

“I want speed,” I said. “This ship can handle the worst in the world, you said. Let’s see if its crew can do the same.”

“You got it, Nav. We’re going over the top of the world, for this one.”

“I’ll be sure to drop a letter for Santa Claus, then. It’s been a while since he got one, I bet.”

“...Who?” Flash asked.

“Human thing. Not important. Is there anything else to discuss?”

“One thing,” Flash said. “Are you planning on informing me the next time you bring more crew onto my ship?”

“Hey, I told you that we’d be picking up more people in Stalliongrad!”

“You did not inform me that one of them was an assassin. Or that the other was a high-ranking dragoness that you were planning on dating.”

“He’s right, Navarone,” Watcher said. “These are things that we should have known. At the very least, I should have been informed about Kat sooner. I don’t much mind her and in fact she’s quite charming, but she’s extremely dangerous and I don’t trust her.”

“Both points are understandable and I apologize. On the very low chance we pick up anyone extra in our travels, I will be sure to make an attempt to tell at least one of you beforehand. In recent times, I’ve come to rely more and more on only Flo for advice since before I started working with you two, she’s been one of the very few useful and intelligent people in my life. Now, I forget that I have an experienced and useful team. Just stay on me about things like this.”

They both nodded and Flash said, “I need to get these coordinates to the helmspony. If there’s nothing else…?”

I shrugged and looked to Watcher. “I just want to talk to Flo for some time,” he said. “I need nothing else.”

“Then until later,” Flash said before walking out, his maps floating in the air behind him.

“Whenever you get done, bring me the laptop with her in it,” I told him.

“Very well. Before you go, how is your wound? Zecora told me she was still experimenting.”

“The same. Hurts when pressure’s on it and I can’t really move my arm. I have every confidence that Zecora can fix me up.”

“You know, one of the unicorns might be able to help you if they were wearing that amulet you obtained.”

“Maybe. Do you really want to risk it?”

“...No. I was able to find a small amount of information about it. The thing has a dark past. Have it used only in emergencies, Navarone. Keep it locked up, otherwise.”

“That’s the plan. You need anything else?”

“No. Just a talk with Flo.”

“Then have fun. Don’t break my laptop.”

“Understood.”

When I got outside the planning room thing, I was immediately grabbed and thrust into a scaley chest. “We need to fuck,” Kumani told me. “I’m in season and we haven’t done much since we got back in touch.”

“...Alright. Just as long as we’re careful about my arm. It still hasn’t healed properly.”

“I thought you were tougher than that,” she commented, grabbing me by my good arm and pulling me along.

“Being tough does not mean you can’t be intelligent. I could take the pain, but I’d rather not have to. And since we can have plenty of fun while being careful, I don’t see what the problem is.”

“Hmph. You’re lucky you’re cute. Would you feel better faster if I started playing nurse for you? Treating you like royalty and walking on eggshells around you?”

“...Would you wear a sexy nurse outfit?”

“I was joking, but now… Hm. I’ll think about it.” That actually gave me something to look forward to, as sad as it is to say. When we got down to her room, she easily lifted me up and tossed me onto the bed. Thankfully, I landed on my ass so it didn’t hurt my wings. “Now, one question before we start. Are you any kind of gay?”

“...No? I mean, there was that one time, but that was the heat of the moment.” Well, actually it was two times, but the same person. Braeburn made a very convincing case, I’ll give him that.

“Good. That means I don’t have to worry about the stallion here that wants you.”

“Whoa whoa, you can worry about him! Please, chase him off!”

“Why? It’s almost cute, the way he acts around you. I got close to punching him when I first realized it, but then I remembered what you said about controlling the jealousy or whatever. After thinking about it, I realized that he probably wasn’t even competition.”

“I’m perfectly okay with gays, but I really, really don’t like it when they hit on me after finding out I’m straight. Smiles is extremely aware of my orientation and I can’t get him to stop. So feel free to dish out some pain to him. Maybe that’ll teach him what-for. Just don’t go overboard.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You can’t have it both ways, Nav. First you told me not to threaten anyone and now you’re telling me to threaten someone. Is it because he’s a guy? You think that makes him tougher?”

Well…“It’s because he’s a trained soldier. Do your scary dragoness thing. He can handle it.”

“Hmm… I’ll think about it. Now lose the pants.” I was all too happy to comply, of course.

When we finished, she ended up wrapping both arms around me, making me lay on her front side. My wings were sagging to the bed in the nice afterglow and we were somewhat lucky the ship was mostly fireproofed. “So tell me about that ‘one time’ you were gay,” she whispered, one of her claws going to my wings and gently tweaking my feathers.

Oh boy. Flo?

…

Fuck, that’s right. “Well, it was more like two times with the same guy. The first time I met him, I was still reeling from the Luna breakup, I think. Our initial meeting didn’t go well and I felt bad about that. I guess I felt like I owed him something. That, combined with how I felt, led to something… interesting. Basically, we sucked each other off. Then later, I met him again. He enticed me and I fucked him hard. That was that.”

“Hm…” She gently plucked one of the feathers she was toying with, making me flinch. “And he’s not on this ship, is he?”

“No. God no. I don’t need a farmer here. If he was, I’d set him up with Smiles so they’d both leave me alone.”

“So you were always on top?” she asked, continuing to stroke my wing, moving closer to the tip. They were floppy in the afterglow, but she was doing her best to stiffen them up again.

“Yep. One of the only rules I have in sex is that I want nothing in places that are exit only. Ever. For any reason.”

“Sore subject?” she joked, trailing her claws around the base of the wing. It was starting to twitch in response, now.

“Very funny. Long story short, fuck Luna. Bitch is crazy and very much wanted to be on top in more ways than one. I want nothing to do with that.”

“You don’t seem to mind giving it.”

“Yeah, because you don’t mind receiving it. I do mind. Very much so.”

“Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else I should know?”

“There are specific zones in my wings that are much better than others for sex purposes. And there are parts in there that can be hurt if too much pressure is on them. We can go over them whenever you’re ready to go again.”

“It’s mating season, Nav. I’m always ready to go. And if that’s what I think it is poking me, I think you are, too.”

“Well, you have been playing with my wings… Alright. If you let me go, I can show you everything you might want to know.”

“Hm… It can wait,” she happily said as she turned suddenly, knocking me to the bed and situating herself on top of me. “I don’t think you’ll mind…”

I didn’t.

“So what do you think of roleplaying?” she asked when we next stopped. This time she had an arm wrapped around me, holding me close as she laid on her back. The other was behind her head. It felt like she should be smoking. It also felt like I was her bitch.

“It can be interesting, if done well. It can also get to the point of horrifying if done too well. And always make sure your partner is very aware of what you’ll be roleplaying as.”

“Experience?”

“Yeah… Not something I want to talk about and it was a low moment in my life.”

“Fair enough.”

“Hey, what about you? You got any freaky sex stories to share? Or worse, crazy exes I need to know about?”

“No stories aside from what we’ve done. It was pretty plain before I met you. And there were a few dragons my mom tried setting me up with that might be pretty angry that I’m dating someone else. Especially someone outside the species. But it’s not like they’ll ever leave our country.”

“Good. I don’t think I could take a dragon out in a fist fight. Scales are tough,” I said, thumping her chest.

“And you’re so soft,” she giggled, running her claw down my side.

“Comparatively, I guess. But I’m too skinny to be very soft. Try poking a pony some time, especially a plump one.” Celestia has so far been my favorite pony in terms of softness, but I wasn’t about to mention that to Kumani.

“Oh, I know they’re soft. I remember them from the competitions. Quite fun to toy with, though that magic of theirs can be annoying.”

“Yeah. I’m so thankful you don’t have any of that,” I sighed, snuggling in tighter.

“Well, not unicorn magic. We do have our own kinds of magic, but not much of it. I don’t think I’ll need magic to get you to do what I want, though. A few kisses and maybe a blowjob would do it.”

“Eh, probably. For most things at least. Just as long as the kisses come first, of course. I don’t want cum kisses.”

“The taste isn’t that bad… But alright, easy enough. Oh, and by the way, how much do you know about dragon anatomy?”

“Other than that you’re sexy, very little. I know you guys grow based on conflict, what you eat, and your age. And I know wings grow in eventually, but I don’t know when.”

“Hm. Well, as a warning, I’ll be laying an egg when my season is over.” That almost worried me, but she kept going. “Unfertilized, of course. I don’t think your sperm can survive in me, with the heat. It’s customary for a dragon’s mate to assist them with the process, but I’d understand if you don’t want to. Unless humans lay eggs?”

“We don’t, but I’d be willing to help. What do you usually do with the eggs?”

“Sell them. They go for a lot of gold, if you have the right connections. This year, I’ll probably just throw it over the side. Not like there’s anything else to do with it.”

I was really tempted to ask if we could eat it, but then I realized how horrible that would sound. “Well, that’ll be a new experience, at least. And thanks for telling me now instead of waiting until after it’s happened. I’d freak the fuck out if I walked in here and there was an egg on the bed.”

“…That would have been pretty funny. Oh well. Do you have anything about you I might find weird?”

“Well, I can access the dreams of ponies, I sleep at night during winter and fall and my hair also changes, and I usually have an artificial intelligence in my head that gives me feedback on the world.”

“…Okay, you need to explain some things.” They were easy enough explanations that I went over quickly. “Cool. But I’m going to have a talk with this Flo. It’s a she, you said?”

“There’s no need to be jealous of her, Kumani. She’s more like a mother than anything.”

“I know. I still want to talk to her. She sounds pretty interesting.”

“…Alright. But she’s currently with Watcher. Or at least, she was. Might be back in my room, now.”

Her arm around me reached down to tweak a certain part of my anatomy that received much love and care recently. “Hm… We could do something else first.”

“As much as I’d love to, I’m pretty sure I’m spent for now. I’m good, but I can only do so much. Besides, my pelvis hurts. No offense, but you weigh a lot more than I do and you aren’t gentle. You need to be more careful when on top.”

“Oh, you know you like it.” She let her claw slide back up to my wings instead.

“Of course I do. Even prefer it, in a way. But I’ll be changing my tune when you break my pelvis.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll be more careful. But only for you, Nav. Now, let’s go talk to Flo.” I sighed as she pulled out of bed. “What?”

“You’re warm. With where we’re going, it’s going to get very cold very fast, so I want all of it that I can get now.”

“Huh. Where we going?” she asked as I sat up and started looking for my clothes.

“Arctic Circle, above mainland Equestria and Gryphonia. We’re going over the top of the world to do it. I hope you don’t mind the sun, because that’s all we’ll be seeing for the next few weeks.”

“Well, at least I won’t have to worry about finding reasons to get you in bed. Now are you getting ready or what?”

“My pelvis started hurting even more when I stood up. Getting dressed with only one hand is bad enough. Adding the other is torture.”

She rolled her eyes as I pulled up my pants. When it took me half a minute to get my belt on, she just snatched the shirt from my hand and then picked me up. “Now I don’t have to wait,” she said as she began walking to the door.

“Really? You’re going to do this?” I sighed. “Hell, do you even fit through the ship’s corridors?”

“Barely. I definitely can’t get into any of the smaller rooms, at least not without really bending over.”

“I’m okay with that, as long as I’m behind you. But come on, what happened to not babying me?”

“Hm. Just consider this part of nursing you, then. I don’t have a little outfit for you, but that’s okay.”

Another sigh escaped my lips as I realized this was a point that I probably wouldn’t win. Baby steps, I suppose. “Well, at least hurry it up. I’d rather not be seen like this.”

“Ashamed of me? There’s nothing wrong with this.”

“There is one thing that I hate above all else and that is being seen as weak. Especially in front of people that I’m in charge of and that I lead, which includes most of the people on this ship.”

“Then what’s with the sling?”

“That’s a sign of being injured. Perfectly acceptable to wear something like that. If you were sick, you’d take your medicine. This is the same thing.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t run into anyone in the halls,” she idly commented as she set me down in front of my room. “Which is somewhat strange. Where is everyone?”

“No clue,” I answered, stepping into my room, thankfully seeing the laptop on my bed. “You want to talk to her in my body or on the laptop?”

“I’d prefer it to be private. Oh, and here’s your shirt.” She threw it at me. My good hand snatched it out of the air and dropped it on the bed.

“Privacy can be done either way. Flo, you ready to come back?” Her watery form oozed out of the laptop and into my hand, ready for its transmission. Kumani watched in some form of interest as I lifted the elemental up and let her slide back in. Oh baby, I love the feel of you inside of me.

“You’re such a pervert,” Flo whispered. “So Kumani wants to talk to me?”

“She does,” I confirmed out loud. “If you want to take over, I can just chill in the background.” Okay, now Kumani was looking somewhat confused.

“Alright. Taking over now, then.” I blinked and found myself staring at the seemingly permanent fixture of the glade in my mind. For some reason, Flo always had the place locked in the season of spring.

“Life with no death loses its meaning,” I idly commented, concentrating on a single tree to wither it down to an autumnal appearance. As soon as I got its appearance to change, the leaves immediately reverted to green.

I keep these trees as an indication of your health, Navarone, Flo thought at me. Each tree is a different part of you. When any of the leaves change, I immediately know when something is wrong. Not all of them are green. If you explore, you’ll find a few that are wretched and downtrodden.

“I wonder what those might represent,” I replied as I wandered around the forest, thankful that I didn’t carry my physical pains with me.

She didn’t respond.

As I looked more around the garden, I began noticing little things that helped me realize what she meant when she said this thing was used to identify my health. For example, I saw a single tree with an axe wound that seemed rather faded with age, presumably my stab wound that was partially better. That same tree had a number of scars on it, some more major than others. But it was still mostly as healthy as ever, despite all the damage.

It took me a bit of looking, but I managed to find one of the dead areas. The tree appeared to have been burned and it was oozing some kind of fungal solution that was killing the grass around it. The only form of life I saw was a single shrub growing out of the ground in front of the tree, somehow unaffected by the rest of it. A few dark purple flowers poked off from it and strings of sickly looking black berries made their home on it.

Atropa belladonna, a beautiful plant, Flo thought. Even in the most dead of places, life still finds a way. Though it isn’t always the kind of life we want.

“I bet those berries taste awful,” I commented as I walked past the place. The plant looked familiar, but I never really was into gardening, so I couldn’t say for sure.

The next dead and ruined ground I found was littered with small bushes with white flowers. They surrounded a tree that had been chopped down some long time ago and it appeared that someone made a few attempts to destroy the stump.

Cicuta virosa, another interesting plant. Your mind is quite an intriguing place. But Kumani and I are finished with our little talk. I’m putting you back in control.

Before I could reply, I found that I was once again in my body. And surrounded by about half the people on the ship on the top deck. Thankfully, I was wearing a shirt.

As soon as I looked around, everyone called out, “Surprise!”

“…What?” I asked, honestly confused.

“It’s your birthday,” Taya happily answered from her spot next to me. “And I knew you wouldn’t do anything for it, so we decided to work around that.”

“This is… unexpected.” And extremely unwanted. “Is it actually my birthday? I don’t even remember.”

“It is,” Taya hastily confirmed.

“Well. Before anything celebrationy happens, I have two announcements. The first is that we have a destination that we should be on our way to. Long story short, we’re going over the top of the planet and it’s going to get cold for everyone on deck. Get ready to layer up if you go topside. The second is less important and more personal. In case anyone doesn’t know, I’m dating Kumani. So no more late night rendezvous, for those that are used to them. Anyway, I guess the… ugh, party can begin.”

After saying that, I immediately got hugged from behind, with Kumani’s head bending down over mine for a kiss. I made it easier for her by looking up. Now, I’m not much a fan of PDA, but I wasn’t about to deny her in front of everyone right after saying we were dating.

Thankfully, she didn’t take very long. “I didn’t even know what a birthday was, until Taya told me,” she commented as she let me go and I turned to face her. “It feels weird to celebrate that.”

“For me, it is. Taya knows full well that I don’t like having parties for me. She knows and she’ll regret it. I’m going to plan hers and it’s going to be really cute and she’ll hate every minute of it.”

“Yes, because that’s the perfectly mature thing to do. Way to be an upstanding father, Nav.”

“I try. Now, unfortunately you can’t hog me. Even though there’s nothing else to do on this damn ship, people made the effort of showing up and I need to talk to them.”

“Then I guess I should try to meet some of them. I’ll be sharing a boat with them, after all.”

“Have fun.” She nodded and I got another peck on the lips for my troubles before she departed and was almost immediately replaced by Kat.

“So it was Miguel that attacked you?” she asked. “You seemed rather close-lipped about it and I just heard today.”

“It was,” I confirmed. “I originally assumed he was just going after me because I found his collection of faces. It was belated, of course, but still. Turns out he was working for an enemy instead.”

“Interesting… Did you let Jocasta know?”

“I was a little busy being almost dead from blood loss. I have no clue if she knows or not. Don’t really care, either.”

“Well, it’s no longer my problem. Anyway, are you entirely certain that it’s wise to date a dragon?”

“Nope. I’m still wondering why I’m doing it. But I’m doing it, and that’s that.”

“Your life. Happy life-day, Navarone.” With that, the kitty left.

I was about to start looking for cake when the hulking minotaur blacksmith parked himself in front of me. This guy was a very aged fellow with grey fur, a relatively wrinkled face, weary seeming eyes, and one of his horns was broken off around the middle. “Hello, forerunner,” he quietly said.

“Howdy, Master Jak. Are your accommodations to your liking?”

“Better than what I was expecting from signing up on a pony ship. Now, I have little use for parties or bandying words. My shop is set up and I can begin working on whatever you want immediately.”

“Excellent. You ever work on or with siege weapons?”

“Once. It… was an ugly affair. I’ve seen the ones you have here. Innovative, but very shoddily made. I can scrap them and rework them. Shoot straighter, farther, and less likely to break.”

“Start whenever you’re ready. If you ever need additional help, just ask me, Watcher, or Captain Gourd. And I’d prefer you only take one apart at a time.”

He blinked in surprise. “I am not stupid.”

“I know, I know, and I’m sorry. I’m just used to dealing with idiots.”

“Understandable. I’ll start immediately, unless you need anything else.”

“Not right now. I might have you look at a few designs and current items to see if you can recreate them, though.”

“I will likely be in the forge, should you need me. Until next time, forerunner.” Before that point, I was on the edge about him. Not liking or disliking him. It was at that point that I decided the two of us would probably get along rather well. His next words confirmed it. “Smiles! Quit horsin’ around, it’s time for work.”

“Aww… Can I at least talk to the birthday colt?”

“Make it quick. Be down in three minutes.” Well, so much for getting along with him… “Blasted ponies,” he muttered as he stalked off.

Of course, that rather public exchange gave Smiles the right to talk to me next, sadly. He sidled up to me, wearing his normal smile. “Happy birthday, sir!” he merrily said.

“Thank you, Smiles. Now, you shouldn’t keep your boss waiting.”

“So how old are you, again?” he asked, not even acknowledging what I said.

“I don’t know, twenty-five or so? How old are you?”

“Ooh, so twenty-five birthday spankings… You want them hard and rough or soft and sensual?”

“I will discuss that with the sexy female dragon I am dating in good time. The one that doesn’t at all like sharing. Also, can you, like, stop hitting on me? It’s really annoying.”

“I’ll try, sir. But it’s hard. Almost as hard as—oof!”

I pulled my hand back from thumping him on the nose. “Bad pony! Now go attend your master.”

“…Yes sir. Can I have a happy birthday hug before I go?”

“No. Now shoo.” And off he went, his tail between his legs. I made sure to look away before he could turn back and try using puppy-dog eyes on me. Turning my back on Smiles meant I caught Spike trying to sneak up on me, his arms outstretched for a sneak attack.

“Oh shoot,” he cursed.

“Caught you,” I replied with a smile. “Good thing, too. That might have hurt, with my arm.”

He scoffed at that. “Tough guy like you? Wouldn’t hurt at all.”

“Tough? Yeah. Right. So how are you enjoying your freedom from Twilight’s apron strings?”

“I wore the apron, not her, Nav. You should know that.”

“It’s a figure of speech. Are you enjoying yourself?”

“A little. It feels… nice to be out here like this. Away from Ponyville. Living with ponies like this. I feel more alive than ever, I guess.”

“Good. Did you enjoy the Stalliongrad party?”

“Ugh, not really. I tried finding a few female dragons, but there didn’t seem to be any aside from Kumani.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I kinda cornered the market, I guess. You aren’t gonna go crazy and try to steal Kumani, are you? I’d hate to have to smack your shit.”

I wasn’t at all comforted by the nervous chuckle he gave me. He followed that up with, “No, I would never do that…” When I narrowed my eyes at his sarcastic tone, he winked and said more sincerely, “Nah, dude. After all you’ve done for me, I wouldn’t even think of doing something like that. She is really pretty and I wish I had a dragoness that hot, but I would never do that to you.”

“Good. Then I’m fine with asking her to teach you to fight like a dragon. A sword will only get you so far when you get to be huge, after all.”

“You think she would?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I said I would ask her. Or you can ask her. While you’re at it, you can ask her about anything else dragon related. Not like anyone else here can teach you anything about them.”

“I already had most of my questions answered, but… thanks, Nav. You really are just the best friend I think I’ve ever had.”

“Damn dude, the ponies must have been shittier to you than I thought. I’m a fucking awful friend. Just give me the chance to prove it.”

He smirked and shook his head. “You are something else, Nav. But I’m not going to keep you to myself on your birthday. Well, unless you want me to.”

“I don’t even want a bloody party. But I have one, so I’m going to pretend to enjoy it to keep up appearances. Even if, you know, there isn’t anything party-related on deck aside from a group of people.”

“I think they tried making a cake, but it didn’t work out. I don’t know. Happy birthday, Nav. Wait, do they have birthday spankings where you come from?”

I rolled my eyes and answered, “Why? Do you want to spank me, Spike? I bet that would get you nice and hard, wouldn’t it?”

His head spines shot up straight, twitching, and he quickly shook his head. “N-no! I was just… asking!”

“Right. Well, I’ll see you later, Spike. Have fun with that disturbing mental image.” He just made a squeaky sound that I assumed was a confirmation and I wandered off, wondering if anyone else was going to waylay me or if I would have to talk to someone.

Gilda saved me from having to, for better or worse. “Sup, Nav. This party’s pretty lame. I’m about to bail, go flying or something. You want anything while I’m out?”

“Nothing I can think of. Just be careful. We’re heading north, so it’s gonna get cold. I know you’re covered in fur and feathers, but I don’t want you getting sick.”

“Eh, I’ll be careful. Hey, you put clouds in your bed yet?”

“…No. I didn’t even think about it. God, that would make it a lot more comfortable.”

“Then that’ll be your birthday present. See you later, Nav.” She spread her wings and shot into the air, easily clearing the ship and getting out of the area quickly.

I really like her. Quick and to the point. Even if she is kind of a bitch.

The two changelings were the next to approach me. Doppel and if I remembered correctly, Ganger. “Happy birthday, Master!” Doppel said with her typical smile. After a few weeks of being a complete and total slut and getting laid at least once a day, her chitin was very healthy and practically glowing.

“Happy birthday indeed, sir,” Ganger added. I never really liked him that much. Aside from being somewhat flirty, the fellow was rather bland. Definitely the most normal of the four, that’s for sure.

“Thanks to you both. Doppel, you’re looking exceedingly healthy. Ganger, have you guys secured a better food source yet?”

“I’m afraid not,” he sighed. “Doppel has the luck of eating something everyone is oh-so-willing to give her. Love is something less are willing to part with.”

“So you’re hungry again.”

“…Yes, we are.”

“Alright. I’ll give you some now. But after I help you, I want you to do something for me.”

“Of course. We are here to assist you, after all. At least until we find our place in the world.”

Right. Because that’ll happen. I knelt down for the changeling to easily access my memories. He did so with a faint sucking sound, just because it had to be creepy. When he was finished, I stood back up. “Alright. Go down to the minotaur’s workplace and turn into me. Then stand next to Smiles for a little while and see what emotion he exudes. Just watch out for sexual harassment, because I have that problem with him.”

“…Yes sir,” he somewhat glumly said before walking away, head low.

“I could have done that, you know,” Doppel replied. “I’ve been meaning to try that, actually. See if I could get him to sleep with me that way.”

“Don’t. I don’t want my body debased like that. Whatever sick fantasies Smiles has can remain fantasies.”

“Oh, alright… By the way, I should warn you that we’re going to become practically useless when we get to the cold areas. I can do snow and some cold, but when it gets too far below freezing, changelings can’t survive. We’ll have to stay inside.”

“Alright, that’s not too much of a problem. If all goes well, we shouldn’t be here but for a week or two, if even that long.” But when does everything all go well?

“We’ll still be able to help out on the inside of the ship, of course. At least, as long as it stays heated.”

“The captain assured me that it would. With as much money as I poured into modifying this damn boat, it better. And if it doesn’t, you two can just curl up under a blanket or something. We’ll figure something out.”

“Alright. I just wanted to let you know, master. Happy birthday! Oh, and tell Kumani that she better give you something ‘special’ tonight.”

“She probably won’t need telling. Not really interested in anything special, though. The last time a lover offered to do something special for me, I got stabbed with a horn.”

“Yeah, but Kumani isn’t a completely crazy and homicidal bitch. Or at least, she doesn’t seem like it yet.”

“…She threw you aside like trash after threatening you away from me.”

“So? That’s perfectly normal for changelings. When we get in relationships, we make sure we stay in relationships. Murder is considered justified if it’s because someone was trying to steal our mate.”

“Well, that’s creepy as fuck. But no wonder Chrysalis said your crime rate was so low.”

“The crime rate is low and recidivism is zero, master! But uh… every changeling that commits a crime is put down, so that might be why. Anyway, I see a certain somepony giving me eyes, so I’m gonna go let him fuck me in the ass. I’ll talk to you later, and happy birthday again!”

“Have fun,” I replied as she walked away, her backside waggling a little more than it should have been. Not that I was looking, of course.

With most of the important people either gone or having spoken to me, almost all I had to do was survive a very small deluge of a few soldiers and a single crew member giving me pleasantries. I assumed everyone else was busy, didn’t care, or were asleep.

After a few minutes of making sure I had spoken to everyone at least once, Taya appeared at my side. “Having fun, daddy?” she sweetly asked.

“Not really. And don’t worry: You’re going to get a party because of this. It’s going to be really cute and you’re gonna hate every minute of it, but I won’t let you leave until you at least put on the very pink and adorable dress I’ll find for you.”

She shrugged and replied, “Sacrifices must be made. I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone, so I had to do it.”

“…No you didn’t. You didn’t have to tell anyone. I could have and would have ended the day normally, without any of this party stuff or recognition for turning a year older.” However old that actually is. The worst part about having a different year system is that you can’t just add back.

“You always made me have a party. It’s only fair that I make you have one.”

“No, Pinkie always made you have a party. I just forced her to accept my help in planning them so you wouldn’t immediately leave. Denying Pinkie her parties is impossible. Trust me, I’ve tried. They always come out eventually. Delaying just makes it worse.” Thank God I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore.

“Well either way, now you have a party!”

“With no cake. Or anything else. It’s more of a gathering, really.”

“About the cake… I sort of accidentally messed up while helping make it. Also, I’m banned from cooking on the ship now.”

“Jesus, how badly did you mess up?”

“Um… Sunny said she can probably fix the burn damage, but doesn’t know if the smell will ever go away. It was an accident, though!”

“I didn’t expect you to burn down the kitchen on purpose. It happens. At least you didn’t accidentally blow something up, like I did. Thank God that batteries don’t exist here…” Never put one of those in a fire. Especially not in a candle as you’re lighting things on fire to see what happens. “So are there any other plans for this thing, or can I just sort of leave?”

“Well, there isn’t really much we can do…”

“Awesome. I need to talk to Kumani for a second and then I’ll be heading to my room. Do not disturb rules are going to be in effect.” She sighed and nodded, knowing exactly what that meant. “I’ll see you some time tomorrow. I’ll probably need to be healed. You know the drill.”

“Yes, daddy,” she sighed. “I’m sure everyone will stay quiet around your room.”

“Cool. Good day or night, Taya. Whichever it is up here. And… thanks for the party.”

“You’re welcome. I love you, daddy.”

“Love you too.” And with that, I was on my way to the most noticeable person on the deck. Kumani appeared to be rather bored and perked up a little when I approached her. Truth be told, I almost felt regret for what I was about to do. “Having fun?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.

“Not really, no. Most everyone here already knows each other and doesn’t seem interested in talking.”

“A bit of good will might help. Did you try talking with Spike? He doesn’t know much about dragons and actually fights with a sword instead of any draconic things. He needs someone to teach him how to be a damn dragon.”

“That’s… something I could do, I suppose. Better than spending half of my time bored. But I can do that later. Now, you and I are going to have some fun.”

“Actually, about that… I was thinking about turning in early tonight. I’m feeling pretty tired, you know?”

“…What?” She was definitely surprised and disappointed by that, if her ear spine things were any indication.

“I know you were looking forward to some fun, but I’m really not feeling too hot. We can just do it tomorrow, right?”

“I… guess we could. Are you sure?”

“Yeah. A night of good rest will perk me up just fine.”

“Well, alright.” She leaned down and stole a kiss, using one of her claws to gently hold my face in place. “Goodnight, Nav,” she quietly said when she pulled away.

“’Night, Kumani,” I replied, turning to go. There were a few mutters from behind me, but I didn’t really care that much. I just quickly escaped the party and made my way through the belly of the ship to my room.

“I can’t believe you’re really giving that up for this,” Flo said.

“It’s an important tradition that will go on for as long as necessary.”

“Navarone, it never won’t be necessary with that attitude.”

I shrugged as I pulled out one of the bottles of alcohol I had left over from my time in Equestria. “Maybe. But for every birthday I have, I’m going to get trashed until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Or until I forget everything I lost. Whichever comes first.” Hopefully the forgetting part.

“And you’ll never get over the pain if you just drink your problems away!”

“That’s a shame.” I popped the top and took a nice shot of it. “Vinyl can make some pretty good stuff,” I coughed when I swallowed, the burn reminding me that I was alive. “Hoo man, this is gonna be a night…”

“Drinking alone. Quite a night,” Flo sarcastically answered.

“Nah, not alone. Not with you up there to keep me company.”

She huffed. “I don’t want to deal with you while you’re drunk, Navarone. If you choose to follow this course, I’m going silent until the morning.”

“Fine. Leave me, then. You aren’t the first.” She didn’t reply and I burned off half the bottle in a single, painful pull. “They just couldn’t let me die, could they?” I asked no one as I reached over and locked the door. “Couldn’t let me escape this hell and join my family…”

Quite a night, indeed…

It got very cold very quickly on our little ship. Thankfully, the heating held up on the inside, so that wasn’t so much a problem. It seemed that even though the sun stayed out for longer as we went farther north, the cold seemed to suck all of the pale light’s warmth from the air.

It got to the point where it actually hurt to breathe, at times. Of course, I knew that would be coming and made sure to prepare accordingly. Everyone on the ship had at least some kind of sub-zero clothing around, though most didn’t need to use it because not everyone was stupid enough to go topside while we were passing the frozen wastes below.

Of course, that option wasn’t always available. “Do we r-really have to be o-outside for this?” I hissed, shaking slightly even in the heavy coverings I had on.

“I am afraid that is sadly the case,” Zecora answered with a nod. “I fear removing this curse is a race. I too am not a fan of the cold, so let’s do this before we get old.”

The two of us, as well as Kumani and Taya, were all standing on the deck on the fourth day of our little trip. The air was clear and crisp, the perfect morning, but fuck, it was cold. It didn’t seem to bother the three of them that much, which makes sense; Taya and Zecora have fur while Kumani is a fucking dragon. Apparently, Zecora finally figured out how to deal with that damn stab wound.

“So let’s get to it, then. What do I need to do?”

“Something that is not fun. Remove your jacket, hun. The wound must be fully open to the air, something of no problem for one so debonair.”

“I have to take off my jacket and my shirt to expose this thing to the freezing cold fucking air?”

“I’m afraid that this is true. Is that a problem for you?”

Kumani stepped closer and put a claw on my shoulder. “I’ll keep you warm, Nav. Just strip down and I’ll help you.”

“And if she can’t, I will!” Taya added.

I just shook my head before pulling the zipper down on my jacket. “You better tip me well for this, Zecora. Not every day I give a strip show.”

“If a tip I would dole, you must first find a pole.”

“Don’t tempt me. I bet I could make that mast work as a stripper pole. Well, if Taya wasn’t here, at least. Ooh fuck that’s cold,” I groaned, the jacket slipping off my back. Taya floated it away as I began working on the shirt, the shivers picking up. It came off easier, since it wasn’t zipped and buttoned. As soon as the shirt pulled away from me, Kumani wrapped both of her wings around me and lifted me up, holding me against her chest. It was even warmer there than I had been in my jacket, actually. Unfortunately, that defeated the purpose of taking the jacket off. “The wound has to be in the air, Kumani,” I said, poking her wings.

“He is unfortunately quite right,” Zecora said with a nod. “The wound must be in my line of sight.”

Taya smiled greedily and teleported me away from Kumani’s warm grasp and into the frigid cold. Less than a second later, a wonderful warmth suffused my body, keeping me warm despite the chilling wind. “There,” she happily said. “As long as I keep the spell active, you’ll stay warm.”

“Thank you, both of you,” I said. “Zecora, let’s get this over with. And hell, why do we even need to be outside for this?”

“Your green hair and odd body align you with the sun. Without its help, your internal battle can’t be won. Now, be very quiet and still; we may yet overtake this hill. I cannot promise this won’t hurt, so I will attempt to be curt.”

“Do what you gotta do,” I said, using my good arm to pull the sling away from my bad arm. At some point, I regained feeling in it, so I was able to stop it from just shooting straight down. There was still pain as it moved, but it was a lot better than it had been.

She didn’t answer and just opened the bag she had next to her, pulling out a small hooked scalpel style of knife. She reached up with her mouth and used it to very gently cut the stitches holding the wound closed. As soon as they were gone, a trickle of amber blood began flowing, the true nature of the curse showing its ugly head. Once again, there was pain, but nothing I wasn’t used to.

She waved me to turn around and I did, kneeling down to make getting the ones on my back easier. One of my wings got in the way, but she just batted it away until Kumani thoughtfully reached out and grabbed it for her. Not so thoughtfully, she decided that playing with it would be a good idea.

I gave her the most ‘what the fuck’ look I had. She just smiled and said, “Remember dear, stay quiet.”

Oh, you’ll pay for this. Thoughts of revenge were interrupted when something very cool and wet began rubbing against the hole in my back. It was cold enough to cut right through the spell Taya had over me like a penis through a hymen, with just about as much shock and pain.

Needless to say, I winced. One of Zecora’s hooves immediately went to my shoulder, holding me steady as she continued applying the freezing substance. So Flo, are you still giving me the silent treatment? Needless to say, she wasn’t quite pleased that I drank myself out cold that night. I’m sure there was plenty of other stuff she wasn’t happy about, but I didn’t exactly know for sure because she refused to talk to me.

Of course, she didn’t answer this time either.

You can’t stay silent forever, Flo. Once we get close enough, you’ll have to tell me where exactly the elemental is. And I know you have to be really bored up there.

Still no answer.

Typical woman. Mad at a man and refuses to even tell him how he can make it up to her.

Zecora finished her work on my back and got me to turn around so she could begin torturing me from the front. “This poultice is really quite neat,” she idly commented as she began slathering the purple mixture on me. “Its main ingredient is peat. Life to death and death to life… This mix is good for all strife. Though if anyone asks from where it came, I implore you not to mention my name.”

“Why?” Taya asked.

“Its properties are quite intense. He’s lucky his blood is so dense. Anyone else would trip balls, running screaming through the halls.”

Wait, what?

She continued, “Even he will have at least one hallucination. Staying aware will take all of his concentration.”

I couldn’t stay silent anymore, not after that. “And you couldn’t have told me that before?!”

“It matters not; this is your lot. Were it not for that thing in your head, I assure you that you would be dead. This must be done, so do not run.”

There wasn’t that much I could really do. And it was too late, anyway; the stuff was on and in me now. All I could do was sit back and watch the show. Kumani, though, could. “So you’re saying this is going to mess with his head? There’s no way that’s safe!”

And Taya agreed. “How can this be helping him if it’ll hurt his mind?”

“Do you want him to die?” Zecora asked sharply. “I think you would both cry. This absolutely must be done, so help make sure he doesn’t run.”

“Yeah, that’s great and all,” I said, “but can you hurry this up? This mixture is fucking cold.” At my insistence, Zecora started working again, whispering some form of incantation in a language that made my skin crawl.

After a minute or two of that, she pressed some form of homemade bandage onto the wound. It was covered in very precise and tight lines of writing, all in a language that hurt my eyes to look at. “Do not remove this; it would make you hiss.” She looked over to Kumani. “Take him down into the depths below. His will should be at an all-time low. You must keep him safe and keep him sound. In vile thoughts and dreams he will be drowned.”

“Why can’t I do it?” Taya hotly asked. “I got him hurt so I should help him get better!”

“The poultice I made allows him your magic to resist. I fear that from your words alone, he would never desist. Strength and power must detain him or I fear his future looks dim.”

“Taya, relax,” I said. “What’s important is that I get better. And I don’t think it’s possible for me to hurt Kumani without weapons, so whatever I see won’t matter if it’s her that’s watching over me. And having only her watching me means that you won’t be at risk. Don’t you worry, Taya. I’ll be just fine.”

“So when can I take him?” Kumani asked.

“You can take him whenever you want,” Zecora told Kumani before turning to Taya. “Now you should come along with me, runt. There are things about which we must talk, so please come and join me for a walk.”

My daughter looked to me for some manner of confirmation. I nodded and said, “Go, Taya. I’ll be fine. Kumani’s going to take care of me.” As I said that, I felt two claws wrap around my sides and carefully lift me up.

“That’s right,” the dragoness said. “I’ll make sure he gets better.” With that, she wrapped me in a scaley hug.

Zecora was already walking away, expecting Taya to follow her. I just called, “Thanks for the help, Zecora.” She lifted one of her front hooves in reply, thankfully not confusing me with more of her freaky rhyme-talk. Kumani started walking to the entrance to the lower deck, where her room was. “So why are you carrying me?” I asked, not really expecting a useful answer.

“She said you’re going to start seeing things and maybe freak out. I don’t want to risk having you jump off the side or something.” Though she probably was doing it more to hold me than because of that. “So have you ever tried sex on hallucinogens?”

“Nope. And if these were normal drugs, I’d be all over it. But Zecora was talking like this would be a dark, painful trip. I don’t really want to risk having sex like that. Just lock your door and make sure I don’t hurt myself. I’ll try to stay aware, but no promises. It would be a lot easier if a certain elemental in my head was helping, but I made her upset.”

I heard the first thing from her in days when I said that. It was a dark and ~~somewhat petulant~~ extremely justified “Hmph!” Also, have I ever mentioned how wonderful it is to have someone so loving that’s occasionally able to take over your hands?

“What did you do this time?” Kumani asked, probably with a grin on her face.

“Eh, ignored some advice. She was trying to force me not to do one of my traditions.”

And then I felt the second contact I had from Flo as she took over my mouth. “Ask him what that tradition was,” she said in her own voice.

“Now now, she doesn’t need to do that!” I hastily said, taking over my mouth again.

“I don’t need to,” Kumani mused, opening her door while still holding me up. “But now I’m interested. What did you do?”

“Drank so much alcohol that I passed out. Nothing really big. Well, we’re in your room now. You can set me down!”

“I could…” She walked over to her bed and sat down, sitting me in her lap. “So tell me why you were drinking.” While waiting for an answer, she pulled one of my wings out and started preening it, taking extra care with the delicate feathers to make sure to torture me as much as possible.

“N-no reason,” I answered, a blush almost instantly coming to my face.

“Oh? I don’t think she would have mentioned it if it was for no reason…” Her claws moved closer to one of the big pleasure nodes as she worked, making my eyes open wide.

And when she got that close… my concentration slipped. With my eyes opened that wide, I began to see… things. Things that should not be. The captain had set up a mirror in each of the rooms, and the one here was facing us. As my eyes peered into it, all I could see in it was Kumani and I. But instead of tweaking my feathers, she was tearing them off and pulling the skin with them. A massive centipede was climbing through my screaming mouth, each of its hardened and sharpened legs leaving pinpricks of blood across my face.

The wound in my shoulder was uncovered and open, a festering mass of infections and gangrenous tissue. The arm below it was blackened and rotting, clearly long dead and waiting to fall off. I could see writhing masses under the cracked skin and occasionally a maggot would fall from the limb as it chewed its way free.

My other arm had clearly been broken at some point, as it seemed to bend awkwardly, points of bone pressing against the skin. None of the fingers on it had fingernails and half the flesh had been flayed from the hand, leaving the red muscle tissue to shine dully in the light.

The pants on my legs blocked out most of whatever happened down there, thankfully.

Kumani’s sharp smile was shining with fresh blood as she gleefully tore at my wings. Small shoots of flame and steam occasionally escaped her mouth, torching and broiling my hair and skull. Her eyes were bright and happy, knowing that as she plucked her little bird, I could never leave her.

But perhaps the most horrible thing I could see were my eyes. They were staring dead at mine. No pain or horror was reflected in them, nor pleading or sorrow. Only acceptance resided there. This is what will become of you. An abusive dragon’s toy, left to rot and die. Welcome to your—our—life.

Behind the two of us was just an eternal void, the darkness within seeming to radiate with the evil inside of that world’s Kumani and encouraging her to redouble her efforts as the real Kumani waited for me to answer her.

All she got out of me was a horrified groan as I forced my eyes away from the mirror. If she was still touching me, I couldn’t even feel it. What little concentration I had was shattered and I was left adrift in a sea of horror. I tried to stifle what I felt by looking down at my hands, but that didn’t help. What I saw were the hands in the mirror, one black and twisted and the other destroyed and ruined. Even as I watched, they both began to ripple and bubble before I was able to tear my eyes away.

“Nav, are you o—” The entire world erupted in a horrific screeching sound that tore at my eardrums. I tried to cover them, but my hands wouldn’t obey me. That’s when I remembered they were destroyed, both useless. I began to hyperventilate, unable to get enough air in the hell I was going through.

I was lost. Trapped. Trapped in a room with a monster that wanted to clip my wings and make me hers. Every single part of me screamed to escape her oppressive grasp and my muscles strained against her, but she held me fast. Every whisper she made grated at my mind as a litany of hate. Every move she made ripped at my flesh and pulled me tighter against her.

And every second in her embrace drove me deeper into panic and the madness that followed.

That was and will probably forever be the most horrifying and painful night that I have ever had.

There are no words for the pain I felt the next morning. My entire body was screaming and burning with the overexertion you get after spending days in a gym. Every one of my teeth felt loose and there was dried and caked blood around my mouth. My tongue felt like it had been bitten clean through at some point. I tried groaning in pain only to have some rattley wheeze come out, followed by even more pain from my throat. The stab in my shoulder felt like someone poured liquid wasps into it and laughed as they went to town on my insides.

All of the pain I was feeling was compounded by the dragon using her body to hold me in place. One of her eyes opened when I made that noise, her iris shrinking when she noticed I was at least partially awake. “Are you… there?” she asked, pushing back slightly from me.

Since I couldn’t talk, I just nodded. Her body sagged a little in relief, not doing any favors for my already aching self.

When she noticed me flinch, she rolled off of me and then off the bed. “You were… wrong about not being able to hurt me, Navarone,” she said, stretching. I saw that her wings seemed somewhat scratched up and there were a few discolorations along her scales. “But I think you got the worst end of that deal.” I couldn’t even move; attempting to sent spikes of agony throughout the offending limb. “It was definitely one wild night. I think you might have broken some bones. And uh… destroyed your voice. So how do you feel?”

My mouth opened and more wheezing came out. When it started hurting too much, I stopped.

“Yeah, I figured... Look Nav, I’m really, really sorry about what happened. If I had known what I did would stop you from fighting whatever you saw, I wouldn’t have even thought about it. Just… think about ways I can make it up to you, okay? I think I need to go get Zecora. And you probably can’t move after that.”

It’s probably a good thing that she had no idea what the fuck it was that I saw. There’s no telling if she would be pissed, depressed, or even more desperate to make it up to me. And either way, I’d probably lose.

Since she wasn’t expecting any kind of response other than maybe a few gasping wheezes, she left the room shortly after telling me what she would do, leaving me alone in the room of waking nightmares.

“There’s only so much I can do for your pain, Navarone,” Flo whispered. “It was hard enough to keep you from killing yourself on accident last night.”

So you’re talking to me again?

“For the moment. If you make another foolhardy and pointless attempt to kill yourself passively, however, I might decide not to. I joined with you in an attempt to help you, not to watch you kill yourself. I will not allow it.”

...Understandable. After all, I didn’t really want to die until after I help the elementals and maybe the humans. After that, I could slash my veins and let the red flow. And of course, Flo isn’t at all happy to see me write that, but she’s confident that I’ll find something to live for eventually. I don’t know if I should hope that she’s proven right.

It didn’t take Zecora, Taya, and Kumani long to get down to my prison. Taya gasped as soon as she saw my condition and rushed forward to do something, but Kumani quickly snatched her by the tail.

Zecora quickly said, “We cannot risk making it any worse, filly. If our efforts were for naught, we would feel silly. I must check over his health and vitals first. Go fetch water; he should have a mighty thirst.”

Kumani let Taya go. She gave me one last longing look before saying, “You better make it quick.” With that warning, she bolted out of the room.

Kumani and Zecora both walked toward me, Zecora humming as she saw my aching body closer. “You said he would see things. You didn’t say he would go crazy.”

“I said that he would have visions most vile. But his mind is tough and hard to rile. What any would have seen would have brought true fear. Whatever he saw must have made his mind sear.” Laughter tried flowing from my cracked and bloody lips, but it didn’t work out very well at all. “At least it seems that his spirits are high, though he looks even worse, I cannot lie. Be at ease, Navarone; I must look over your shoulder, though the rest of you looks like it was hit by a boulder.”

She stepped up close to the bed and gingerly peeled back the bandage that somehow managed to stay on. While she was lifting it away, more of the dark incantations escaped from her mouth. When the dirty thing was fully away, the pain trapped inside the wound exploded out of my shoulder all at once, stealing a gasp from me and jerking my body rigid.

“The seal did its job well, though it drove you through hell. From the curse you are now free. It seems the mix was the key. I imagine that you still really ache, so I will leave you now for Taya’s sake. Allow her to mend you well and true. Now, I have other things I must do.” Without another word, she left. The dick in me wanted to call her a bitch, but I did recognize that she pretty much saved my life.

A few seconds after she got out, Taya teleported back in with a bucket of water. “Where’s Zecora?” she asked as she looked around.

“She left,” Kumani answered. “Gave Nav here a clean bill of health. Well, aside from what happened last night. She said you can help him with that, though.”

And that got Taya to finally smile. She walked up next to me and very gently poked me with her horn, letting some soothing waves of healing flow through me. As soon as I felt able to move, I snatched her into a hug, trying to talk and thank her.

Once again, nothing but wheezing came out. This time, though, it was from one hell of a dry throat and mouth. Either way, she said, “You’re welcome, daddy.”

Since I really wanted to be able to talk again, I didn’t let the hug last too long before setting her down and grabbing the bucket of water she brought. The good news is that it was cold. The bad news is that by cold, I mean it was probably ice that had been thawed minutes ago, so it was almost freezing cold.

I forced it down anyway, doing my impression of a lady by swallowing and not spitting. That impression was slightly ruined by the thunderous coughing that followed the swallowing, though. My throat and voice was starting to kick in again, though it was still very hoarse and slightly painful from its unwanted slumber.

“Feel so much better,” I was able to grunt out after a few seconds. “Thank you both. Taya, can you spare some healing for Kumani? I wasn’t alone in getting hurt last night.”

“Magic doesn’t work well on us,” Kumani quickly said, dismissively waving a claw. “And all I have are bruises.” Bruises that Taya wasted no time to heal anyway, now that it was clear that Kumani was uncomfortable with magic. “Uh… Thanks, I guess.” I don’t think she was that thankful.

“So what now?” Taya asked.

“Now I go get dressed and talk to the captain. I want to know where we are and how far we have left to travel. And if we’ve passed a certain point. What time is it?”

“It’s still pretty early,” Taya answered. “Around breakfast time or so.”

“Good, then he should be awake. Kumani, you need to get some sleep. After last night, I know you need it. And I’m sorry for accidentally beating the shit out of both of us.”

“No problem,” she answered. “I’m just glad you’re better.” It amused me that she didn’t mention how she considered it her fault while Taya was around.

“So am I. We’ll get out of your room and let you sleep, I suppose.” I hesitantly stood from the bed, testing my legs before deciding they’d hold me. “Come on, Taya.”

“No goodnight kiss?” Kumani teased. That actually completely froze me up, the thought of being too near her after what I had seen, what I had experienced. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to notice. “Eh, your breath is probably terrible anyway. And I can’t talk. I’ll see you both later. That hard bed is calling…”

That left me and Taya to leave, which we wasted no time doing. “So how do you really feel, daddy?” Taya asked when it was just the three of us in the hall.

“...Better. It’s nice to be able to use my right arm again. And having that wound finally sealed is a weight off my mind. But Jesus… those hallucinations, they were bad. Really bad. It’s gonna take me some time to get over them. And I need one hell of a fucking shower, too. I’ll be right as rain soon enough, don’t you worry.”

“Daddy, that’s the kind of thing everyone says when it’s the right time to start worrying.”

“Really? Huh. Well, worry if you must. Don’t let me stop you. Just don’t be annoying about it, please. Now, this is my stop.” We had arrived at my room, passing by the few ponies traveling the halls at such an hour. “I’ll be out shortly, probably. I’m sure you can find something to entertain yourself.”

“Yes, daddy…” I let myself in my room, leaving her in the hall.

A shower and a letter written later, a cleaner and more aware me stepped back out of my room, wandering down the hall to look for the captain. He wasn’t in his room or in the mess hall, but I did discover that he was outside on the deck. So that was another trip to my room to get dressed once again in warm clothes that would help me survive outside. With that preparation made, out I went.

He saw me before I saw him out there. “Ah, Navarone. I trust you’re feeling better?”

“Yeah. It was one hell of a night, but I’m better.”

“Oh, that I know. I don’t think there’s a soul aboard the ship that didn’t hear you. Good to know it was worth it, though. What brings you topside?”

“The search for news,” I answered, finally heading up the stairs to stand next to him near the wheel. “Where are we and how far out are we?”

“We’re almost dead at the north pole, right now,” he answered. “Should be another two or three days before we make it, if all goes well.”

“Excellent. Any signs of life that might be dangerous?”

“No sir, thankfully. No signs of life that isn’t dangerous, either. It’s quiet up here. Some of the crew were worried about windigos, but thank Celestia, we haven’t seen any.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good thing. Though it’s not like they would attack us anyway.” If, you know, they even existed. “How close do you think we are to the north pole?”

His hoof pointed off to our left. “It’s about three kilometers that way, I believe. This is about as close as we’ll be getting.”

“Damn good timing,” I said with a smile, reaching into a pocket and pulling out the letter I wrote.

“Hm? What’s that?”

“Letter to an old friend, long forgotten and longer still dead. I couldn’t pass by without paying tribute, though…” I walked over to the left rail and took one last look at the letter. It was addressed to one Santa Claus living at the north pole. “Maybe in a world with actual magic, some long lost hope will spark some life back into that old myth…” A foolish and childish thought, but one that made me smile as I released the letter over the side, allowing it to fly away into the early morning air. “Let me know if anything comes up, Flash,” I said, turning back around. “I need some time to myself, I think.”

“Yes sir. I don’t think anything will happen out here, though. It’s nice and quiet.”

“I hope not. See you when I see you.” That out of the way, I went back down to my room and took off my bad weather clothes before sitting on the bed and trying to figure out what all I just fucking saw.

Two days later, around the time that everyone was expecting us to get to our destination, one of the crew members came down to my room. “Nav, we need you on the deck immediately. Something… Well, you gotta see it, sir.”

“Uh, okay? I’ll be up in a few minutes.” Thankfully, I wasn’t really in the middle of anything all that important. The crewmember left and I got ready for the freezing air. As an afterthought, I grabbed my ring and my sword, just in case. I didn’t expect to need either, but if whatever it was warranted sending someone to get me, it had to be big.

And so I went topside looking somewhat ready for war. In truth, there wasn’t much that could have prepared me for the surprise I saw ahead of us. “What do you think?” Flash asked me. Most of the soldiers and the crew were already up top, looking ahead of us in the midday gloom.

Honestly, I didn’t quite know what to make of it. So I just said the first thing that came to my mind: “Is that a fucking city?”

Chapter Ninety-Four—Crystal Empire

Chapter Ninety-Four—Crystal Empire

“As far as we can tell, yes,” Watcher answered me, lowering a telescope. “As for what a city is doing in the arctic circle, I can’t tell you.”

“Got any guesses?” I asked, taking the proffered telescope and lifting it to my better eye.

“Not one. Does anyone else here know of any legends about a city up here?”

“Hold on, is that a dome over the top of it?” I asked, narrowing my eye to try to get a better look.

“A dome?” Watcher asked. The whispers that were in the small crowd grew louder when that realization came over them. I handed the scope back to Watcher to let him get another look. “Yes sir, that’s a dome. Looks like a shield.”

“Well now… Gilda!”

Her head shot my way. “Yeah?”

“Get over there. Scout it out, see if there’s any movement. Watcher, send two of yours out as well. Don’t go through the shield. We’ll proceed at half speed until we get a signal from one of the scouts.”

Gilda chuckled and said, “You got it. I’ve been looking to stretch my wings.” She did a running jump off the front of the ship, easily speeding ahead of the boat. After a moment, two of the pegasi scouts joined her.

“What do you think, Nav?” Flash asked.

“Slow the ship down to half speed. The city looks friendly enough, but no one here knows about this place. I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“You got it.” He turned to face the fellow manning the wheel. “Cut speed to half!” he called.

“At this speed, how long should it take us to get there?”

“I’d say an hour and a half at best,” the captain answered.

I nodded and turned to Watcher, who was still living up to his name with the telescope. “Watcher, get two squads geared up. Hopefully we won’t need them.” He nodded and barked out some orders. Five of the troops on deck went below to prepare. “I need to get ready as well. Keep me updated on any developments.”

“Yes sir.”

“Spike!” The named dragon flinched before turning to me. “Go tell everyone belowdecks what’s happening. Tell them to prep for a possible fight.”

“You think we’re gonna see action?” he asked, a nervous smile on his face.

“I think it’s certainly possible. And if we do, I’d rather go in with more people than less. Just don’t wake anyone up; tired soldiers are useless.”

“Uh… Okay!” He followed me to the staircase leading down and broke off when we got below to go tell everyone who didn’t make an appearance on the deck the news. I went straight to my room and stripped down, getting all the heavy clothes off so I could put my armor on. I made sure to leave a nice layer on so the frigid armor wouldn’t give my skin frostbite, of course.

As I started taking my armor down, of course Taya came over to my room. “Something happening?” she wearily asked.

“Yeah. Get dressed. We’re going topside when I get my armor on. Something’s happening and I want everyone combat ready, just in case.”

“You need help with your armor?”

“If you want. Saves me the time of pulling it down.” And the possible pain of dropping a piece on my head. Trust me when I say that dropping a pauldron on your face hurts like hell.

Her horn lit up and the ropes securing the metal began untying. “So what’s happening?” she asked as the armor started floating down to the bed.

“We found a city in the middle of the arctic. No one has any idea what the hell it is, so I’m calling a full alert. It probably won’t be dangerous, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“What do you think it is?”

What part of no one has any idea don’t you understand? “A city. Whether or not there are inhabitants has yet to be determined. I can get my armor on from here, Taya. Go get dressed; I’m not going to have you out on the deck in just your fur.”

“Yes, daddy… Are you going to bring the amulet?”

I stopped fiddling with the piece of armor I had and looked up at her. She had a rather nervous look on her face and seemed worried. “I always bring my magic artifacts to battle, Taya. That’s what most of them exist for. Now go get ready. We’ll be there shortly.”

“Can I see it? Just to be sure?”

I continued putting my armor on, just staring at her. It took her about half a minute, but she finally got the hint. With a nervous gulp, she went to her room next door to mine to presumably get ready.

“I knew taking that damn amulet would be a mistake,” I quietly said.

“A mistake that saved your life,” Flo shot back. “It has drawbacks, but it isn’t all bad. It just happened to be more addicting than we thought. You’ll have to make sure that someone more experienced uses it in the future. I imagine that Watcher, if anyone, would be a good candidate.”

“I don’t want to risk him of all people going mad with power. At least if it’s Taya, I can possibly control her. If Watcher loses it, we’re fucked.”

“But he probably won’t. Taya already appears to be cracking. If nothing else, she shouldn’t get it again.”

“Fair enough. Hopefully no one will need it at all. If nothing else, I’ll just put my ring on and punch whoever has it in the face until they let me take it from them.”

“Assuming the ring works against it. That amulet is dark and evil, not entirely unlike the magic Blueblood apparently used on you.”

“I’ll just have to assume it works. That’s all I can really do.” With that last sentence, I finished strapping on my armor. Of course, then I had to take my gauntlet and glove off to open the damn gene-locked chest, so I felt pretty silly. Either way, with it open, I grabbed my key, the dark alicorn amulet, and as an afterthought, the horn. I got bored while hurt and fashioned a leather loop for it, so I was able to attach it to my belt. The key went in a small pouch I had made for it while the amulet went around my own neck. After all, it can’t do anything to someone that doesn’t have magic, right?

...I would later come to rejoice in that decision.

Once I had all the magic artifacts arranged around me, I grabbed a more mundane one: A simple leather cloak I made for cold weather and looking pretty badass. The first one was a definite, though the second one was more of an opinion. The ponies definitely didn’t much care for it, though none of them had voiced disapproval. They probably sensed an inherent wrongness in it, though they couldn’t say why.

Anyway, I was ready for combat. Going to the next room over proved that Taya was as well. The nervous look she had before was gone, thankfully. “You ready?” I asked.

“Yes, daddy,” she answered, looking down at herself. When she looked up at me, her eyes stopped at the amulet I was wearing. “I-is that…?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.” I started walking off, because I knew she would be slow to follow. We didn’t pass anyone else on the way out, so I assumed everyone was already up top. Well, everyone except the changelings, the naga—cold blooded animals don’t like freezing temperatures—and those that were asleep.

Getting up top proved me correct. And we were also much closer to the city. “See anything new?” I asked Watcher.

“Yes. New and perhaps troubling. This city is magical, Navarone,” he replied, looking away from his telescope. “Green grass surrounds the city. And I believe I saw a single pony leaving the city, though he has yet to return.”

“Anything from our scouts?”

“I watched them for a time. All three decided to make a few loops around the city, it seemed. That suggests it isn’t threatening, but we honestly can’t tell.”

“Hm. Captain, how far out?”

“About forty-five minutes. The winds have been good to us.”

“Good. Watcher, any sign that they’ve seen us?”

“Negative. The city’s quiet, sir. If I had to say, nobody’s home…”

“Hopefully it stays that way. Nobody is better than enemies. I don’t suppose you could use magic to increase your view?”

“Not through that shield. I don’t want to risk setting off any alarms.”

“And Gilda’s already scouting… Well, we’ll know more when they get here. Do you know if Jak finished some of those siege weapons?”

“I did,” the deep voice boomed. “Five are complete and four are ready to fire.” I turned to see him carrying the pieces of another one in his arms as he came from the decks below. “This one was a rush job, but I’d rather have one in passable condition than not working at all. I will just need assistance getting it together.”

“Spike, give him a hand. Between you and Smiles, it shouldn’t take long.” The dragon in question sighed and went to do the minotaur’s bidding as I turned back to the city. “At least if we have to fight, we should be able to.”

“I don’t really think it will come to that. If this is a city of the living, it has at least a few pony residents. And if not… Well, in my experience, those that are dead have little inclination to hurt those that are living.” He paused to lift the telescope back to his eyes as I considered what he said. He ruined it by adding, “Usually.”

“...How much experience do you have with them?”

“I’ve helped deal with two vampony covens and I’ve run into numerous ghosts. The ghosts are almost always nonviolent. One of the vampony covens just wanted to be left alone with their curse. The other put up a fight.”

“Then let’s hope these are either ghosts or just ponies, then,” I said.

Until then, Taya had been standing next to me quietly. When she sensed the silence, she said, “Daddy, doesn’t that look like Cadance’s magic?”

“The bubble is light blue, Taya. That could be anyone’s magic that also happens to be light blue. What the hell would Cadance be doing all the way up here? And if she was here, Shining Armor would also be here, and his fancy bubble is purple.”

She didn’t reply. Kumani said something, though. “Something’s flying back.”

“How can you even see that?” I asked as I squinted my eyes and Watcher moved his telescope.

“I’m a dragon, Navarone. We have pretty good eyes.”

“It’s Gilda,” Watcher said. “And my two scouts are behind her. They’re coming in easy, so I assume it’s safe.”

“We’ll wait for their word before we speed up.”

“We’re going to need to speed up soon,” the captain said. “At least, if we want to get under that shield before a storm hits. Looks like one might be pushing in from the west.”

“Then here’s hoping they’re friendly,” I sighed, leaning on the rail and waiting for the scouts to get back. Not that we couldn’t survive a storm, of course. Hell, we had been through one or two on the way in. But they’re always cold and loud, even inside the ship.

I felt a warm claw sit on my back and Kumani gently pulled me into her. “Don’t you worry, Nav. If we get caught in that storm, I’m sure we can find a way to… warm up.”

Despite me mostly getting over the horrifying trip I had, her touch still made my skin crawl. Of course, I had been fucking her anyway, but just because that was essentially my responsibility. Either way, I didn’t answer her with words, though I did wrap one of my wings around her. After all, facing your fears is the best way to get rid of them.

It didn’t take long for Gilda to get back. The ponies were about half a minute behind her when she landed next to me. “I knew I’d leave those ponies behind,” she said with a smirk.

“Yes, yes, you’re fast,” I sarcastically answered. “What did you see?”

“A few ponies. They were all just walking along with their heads low. There’s nothing dangerous in that place. Although there was that one large stallion that galloped to the west as I flew over.”

“Nothing dangerous? How sure are you?”

“I’d bet my feathers on it! Those ponies didn’t look like they could hurt a worm, let alone something like us.”

“Any military?” Watcher asked.

“Nothing that looked like it,” she replied.

The two scout ponies had landed by then, and one of them added, “No placements either, sir. That architecture is like nothing I’ve ever seen, though! It seems to practically sparkle. And the castle at the center is truly unique.”

“No military and no placements?” I mused aloud, looking to Watcher. “What do you think?”

“My first thought is a trap. But I don’t think so. I don’t have a bad feeling about this.”

I nodded and turned my head to the captain. “Full speed ahead. Let’s see if this city is taking visitors for dinner.”

“Aye aye, sir. Full speed ahead!” he called, waving a hoof forward. The ship began moving much faster, finally closing the distance. “About twenty minutes, Nav.”

“Good. When we get there, we’re going to park over the shield until we send a more thorough scouting team down. I’ll probably go with it.”

“No sir,” Watcher immediately said. “You aren’t going to risk yourself on a scouting mission into a place like that. I’ll send a squad in.”

“Fair enough. Pick the team and prep them with what we know. Have them ready in ten.”

The two teams I had requested were already up, though one of them was short a pegasus since she had been on the scouting team. Watcher walked to the one that wasn’t short any members.

“Any other details?” I asked Gilda. “Anything might be important.”

“Well, what the ponies said about the buildings was true… I think they were made out of diamonds or something. But the ponies in the city seemed really depressed.”

“Notice anything that was weird?”

“Well… I don’t think I saw anything but earth ponies. That’s pretty weird for a city that size, right?”

It gave us a few things to think about, at least. The city slowly grew closer, each of us able to see more details on the place. The shield that was covering it was massive, easily bigger than the city it defended. There would be plenty of room for the airship, that’s for sure.

Watcher had his men ready quickly enough, though I had no clue how he expected the unicorn and dirty mud pony to get down. That pretty much just began the waiting game until we were about five minutes out. Then...

“What the hay is that?” Gilda asked, looking out to the west. We all looked that way and saw a massive cloud of darkness with two pinpricks of green and outlines of purple on the top.

Watcher immediately turned his scope on it. “Dark magic,” he cursed. “And it’s chasing something. I see purple, white, yellow, blue, orange, pink, and white.” He looked over to me. “Elements of harmony, sir. And our mystery stallion.”

I made some very quick calculations in my head. “Get the ship in the shield. All pegasi and fliers are interception. If that cloud comes after the ship, keep it distracted and break off as soon as the ship is safe. I’m going in.”

“You’re what?!” Kumani and Taya both blurted as I pulled my rifle off my shoulder and set it and my helmet on the deck.

“I’m not letting that thing get my friends. It’s moving faster than they are. If Shining Armor is running, that means it can’t be hurt normally. But my sword isn’t normal and my ring protects me from dark magic. I’ll see you inside the shield. Don’t follow me.” Before anyone else could bitch or whine, I jumped off the side, pushing my wings as hard as they could go.

...That turned out to be a lot faster than it should have been and I shot ahead of the ship, getting a nice blast of freezing cold wind to the face. I was just thankful I had my goggles on so I could actually see. Whatever was making me go so damn fast felt great. So great that I ignored the twinge of glowing red I could barely see on my chest.

I made it to the group of fleeing ponies in about a minute, which was just in time. The roiling mass of darkness was shooting an inky jet of its cloud toward Shining Armor, who decided it would be a good idea to stand there and take it like a bitch.

I wasn’t having any of that shit, no sir. Now, I was hoping to have a bit more time to prepare, but I didn’t. So I had to use a backup plan that I only ever got to test once and that I really wasn’t looking forward to ever trying again: Sticking the ring around my tongue. It works to block magic, but it’s uncomfortable and pretty nasty.

But it was my only choice in this case, so I pulled up in a hover right above Shiny before slipping the ring in my mouth and plummeting to the ground right in front of him, blocking the tendril with my body and forcing it to recoil. My sword made it to my hand an instant later as Shining Armor just gasped, standing there.

Since that black mass recoiled at my touch, I knew I was probably immune to it. So I just charged the damn thing, hoping that Shiny would get the hint to turn tail and run like the bitch he was.

Of course, I immediately regretted my decision to act as a hero. Oh sure, he couldn’t actually touch me, but neither could I touch him. What he could do, however, was engulf me in a swirling black cloud that I could not for the life of me see in.

I couldn’t see… but I could hear. “Crystals? Nay, this ape has none. But…” In the cloud before me, two green motes of light appeared that registered as eyes. “But this ape has a feel, a feel we recognize.”

Flo sighed in my head. “Navarone, as your advisor, you fucked up. Now we’re trapped in a cloud of an insane and corrupted servant of another water elemental.”

What?

“Not important. Try swinging your sword around.” I did so, swinging wildly since I literally could not miss.

Nothing happened, other than the eyes starting to circle me. “So the ape doth attempt to fight? It fighteth in a manner most unfair, defending against all magic. No matter. If thou art immune to magic, there are those thee protect that are not.” His eyes disappeared from the circle of air around me.

“Nav, get that ring out of your mouth so you can talk to this thing. Just pull your gauntlet off. Oh, and start walking toward what is hopefully the shield.”

I did as Flo said, getting the ring to my finger instead of around my tongue. “So who teaches clouds how to speak?” I asked, taking slow steps to try not to trip.

The eyes instantly reappeared in front of me, seemingly furious. “We are more than a simple cloud, ape! Thou art in the presence of a god-king!”

“Dude, you’re a dark cloud. Like someone’s fart. I bet Skyla forced you out after her mom fed her some beans.”

“THOU WOULDST INSU—Nay. We are above this. Begone, ape.” The dark cloud parted in front of me, revealing the shield just a few feet away. “Be thankful thou hast a guardian in your mind, one of the same as we had some time ago. Should we meet again on the field, thou shan’t escape in so easy a manner, guardian or not.”

I continued walking to the shield, but stopped as an interesting thought struck me. “What is thy name, sir king?” I asked, turning to face the cloud that seemed to shrink.

“Thou hast the honor of beholding King Sombra, mortal. And thou approacheth our empire, built with our sweat and protected by our blood. And it will be ours again soon, along with the traitorous slaves within. They will be punished for selling us out to those holier-than-thou princesses! Maybe… Wouldst thou perhaps be interested in a vassalage?”

“Nay, my lord. I am honor bound to thine enemies. I fear that we shall soon meet again on the field.”

“Then get out of our sight. Thou wilt regret thy choice, ape. Soon, all within that infernal bubble shalt call us lord once more and the purges and digging will begin anew. And thou wilt be one of our slaves.” With that last haunting bit of info, I turned to go back inside. But he stopped me again. “Before thou goest, we have a word for thy guardian, the elemental that resideth in thy mind.”

“She listens,” I answered without turning back to face him.

“We will win this battle, elemental. And when we do, thou shalt help us save thy sister. If we must torture thy slave to ensure thy assistance, we will.”

Flo snorted and said, “I have no answer to that. Walk away.” Yeah, that was my cue to go through the damn shield. I did so without looking back, not particularly caring about what that thing might do. “Charming fellow,” Flo muttered darkly in my head.

“I guess that’s a word you could use. You know, if you were a dirty girl that liked the bad boys. Like Eva Braun.”

“That counts for Godwin’s Law. Oh, and don’t look now, but…”

That didn’t stop me from looking then, not at all. All six girls and the seventh unofficial one were staring at me. At least four of the girls had anger in their eyes. Shining Armor had total relief. Pinkie Pie was practically bouncing where she sat. But it was the four angry ones I was concerned with.

So I just nodded and said, “Sup?”

I was not expecting to be suddenly toppled over by a blue blur slamming into my chest. “YOU BUCKING JERK!” Rainbow Dash screamed at me, slamming her hooves ineffectively against my steel plate armor.

A purple glow surrounded her and pulled her away while Rarity said, “Rainbow, please. The rest of us would like our turns too.” And then she walked up and fucking bucked me in the chest as I tried to sit up. That knocked me right back down into the ground, but thankfully still didn’t hurt.

“Is this really the thanks I get for saving you?” I groaned, sitting up one more time. I said that just in time, too, because Twilight was about to take her turn.

“You left without telling anypony!” she said instead.

“Hey, you knew! And so did Pinkie!”

Things probably would have gotten very ugly very quickly if Shining Armor hadn’t shouted, “GIRLS! And uh, also Nav. This isn’t the time for this! We need to get to the castle immediately!”

“And I need to get back to my ship,” I said.

All the girls’ heads shot my way, but Shiny beat them to saying anything. “Nav, we’re probably really going to need your help here. And the help of anypony you might have with you.”

“I’ll get them all disembarked at the palace. Is the weather constant?”

“So far. Cadance and I don’t know why.”

“Then I’ll see you in the palace.”

As I reached for my gauntlet to take off my ring, he nodded and said, “Thank you. And thank you for helping us. We honestly might not have made it back were it not for you.”

“Eh, you’re pretty resourceful. But you owe me an explanation when we meet up.”

All the girls snorted at that. “You better have one too!” Dash practically growled.

I just chuckled and finally got the ring off, then jumped straight into the air and shot away with the new freakish speed I seemed to have.

Thankfully, Flash followed my orders to get the ship into the shield. It was still about a minute long flight to the thing, with how large the city seemed, but I was just happy it wasn’t covered by an evil smoke-king or something.

When I touched down on the deck, all eyes immediately turned to me and a collective sigh of relief was released by a few. Taya reached me first with a hug. I think Kumani wanted to slap me, but decided to at the very least wait until Taya was done hugging me.

“What’s the word?” Watcher asked.

“Good news: Cadance and Shining Armor rule here. Bad news: They took over from an evil god king who wants his kingdom back. Watcher, Gourd, leave a skeleton crew on the ship. Everyone else will probably be needed down below. I don’t know if Shiny has a plan yet. If he does, he’ll probably need our help. And if he doesn’t, we’ll need to make one.”

“How much time do we have?” Watcher asked.

“I don’t know, so assume none. The weather here is supposed to stay constant, so drag the changelings and the naga out of bed and get them down as well.”

“Yes sir,” Watcher said, nodding. “You heard him, everyone! Get your tails moving!” He started giving more orders to his group as Kumani, Spike, Gilda, Kat, and Taya crowded around me.

“Those orders go to all of you as well,” I said. “Spike, Gilda, Rainbow Dash and the others are down there. So get ready for a little reunion. Now go and grab all the stuff you might need.”

Spike seemed rather horrified by that news, but Gilda just smiled. “Cool. Wasn’t expecting to see her for a while.” She elbowed Spike and said, “Come on, big guy. Let’s get ready to see some friends, eh?” With that, she pulled him off.

“I need to get back down there,” I said. “I know all of you are able to get down. See you on the ground.”

My wings spread to take off, but a field of magic stopped me. “Daddy, that amulet was glowing when you landed.”

“...What?” I asked.

“She’s right,” Kat said. “It was faint, but definitely there.”

I reached down and wrapped my fingers around the amulet, lifting it for a better look. “...Alicorn amulet. Not unicorn amulet. It reacted with my wings…”

“Daddy, you need to take it off.”

“I don’t know about that. It let me save the others, didn’t it? And I feel fine!”

“They’re correct,” Flo said. “Take it off, or I will do it for you.”

“Daddy, listen to yourself. You know that thing is evil, don’t let it do this to you!”

“...Shit, this thing is addictive!” My hand didn’t even want to pull it off, but I forced its vile form off my neck, holding it up by its chain. “It’s unsafe. But unfortunately, necessary.” I shoved it into one of the pouches on my belt. “But I do need to leave. Again, I’ll see you all at the bottom.” With that, I fell backwards over the railing, allowing myself to freefall a few feet before stretching my wings to catch me and soaring toward the castle.

Kumani almost immediately caught up with me, flying next to me in the air. Thankfully, Flash anchored the ship fairly close to the palace, so it wasn’t a long flight. We got there just as Shining Armor and the girls did.

“Oh, don’t tell me that this is Spike,” Rarity said with some mild disgust.

“It’s not,” I answered for her. “Introductions later. Business now. Shiny, what the hell is going on?”

“You met King Sombra outside the shield,” he said, walking up to one of the four pedestals holding the massive castle up. There were two doors placed on each of them. I don’t think some of the mares behind us were paying attention, based on how they were talking about the damn castle and architecture. “He apparently used to rule, but then Celestia and Luna ousted him a thousand years ago.” One of the doors opened for him and he walked in, revealing stairs.

“Back up, that’s impossible. Luna was on the moon a thousand years ago,” I pointed out.

“I said the same thing,” he replied. “But at this point, we all know Celestia for a liar. There’s no telling what the real story is. Long story short, Sombra is mad and he wants his power back. He’s also evil, so we’re going to stop him.”

“Alright, cool. What’s the plan?”

That’s where he sighed, shaking his head. “We don’t know. Cadance and I got here two weeks ago and have been struggling ever since just to keep him out. None of the citizens are useful and there wasn’t time to bring anypony from Canterlot.”

We finally got up the stairs to reveal a nice open room with another spiral staircase going up. Various doors led off to other rooms. “So you don’t know what to do?” Twilight asked.

“We were hoping you would,” Shiny answered. “Celestia just sent us here to get rid of us. Me, because I was making Luna’s life miserable. Cadance, because she was asking the kinds of questions that Celestia doesn’t like to hear.”

“Shining Armor!” Twilight said in an accusatory tone. “You know that’s not true! Princess Celestia had a very good reason to send you both here, I’m sure of it!”

“Right. I’m sure.” He looked back my way. “What brings you here, Nav? I thought you were abandoning Equestria?”

“I thought I was too. My quest brought me this way.”

“And what quest is that?” Rarity broke in.

“Business first, pleasure later,” I shot back. “So here we are. Very convenient, too. So how do we kill Sombra?”

“We don’t,” Twilight said. “I do. Princess Celestia sent me here as a test! I’m supposed to save the Crystal Empire!”

I actually had to take a few seconds to process that and it almost made me stop walking. “Do you realize how conceited and selfish that makes both you and Celestia sound?” Every pony there but Shiny gasped. “There are lives at stake here! I met Sombra, I spoke to him! He’s evil and insane and would not hesitate to put everyone in here to death. And you say that Celestia sent you here as a test.”

“W-well…” she stammered, trying to think of an excuse.

Shining Armor saved her, for the moment. “We’re here,” he said, opening the door at the top of the stairs. Inside of it was a slightly smaller room than the one at the bottom. This was the actual throne room, with a very haggard looking Cadance sitting in the single throne.

Twilight immediately gasped happily and galloped forward, happy to see her old babysitter. “Cadance!”

The mare in question looked up and a smile came to her weary face as she hopped off the throne and met Twilight. They did some silly little ritual as the rest of us followed more sedately.

When their short merrymaking session was over and the rest of us were closer, Twilight realized just how terrible Cadance looked and gasped. “Are you okay?”

Shiny took his place by his wife. “Cadance has been able to use her magic to spread love and light, the barrier you see. That seems to be what’s keeping Sombra at bay… But she’s barely slept or eaten since we got here. I want to help her, but my protection spell doesn’t do much to Sombra…”

They continued talking about stuff, but I leaned over to Kumani and whispered, “Go get me something from the ship. It’s in the cargo hold, labeled ‘Do not take or I will fucking cut you, bitch.’”

“...Will you cut me?” Kumani whispered back.

“No. Now go and get back here quickly.” She nodded and spared a moment to caress my face before running back the way we came.

“Navarone?” Cadance asked. “Is that really you?”

“I’m afraid so,” I answered. Three of the other girls gave me short dirty stares for that. “I happened to be in the neighborhood and remembered a favor I promised you. I figured you might be willing to cash it now.”

She smiled and nodded. “Seeing a good friend is enough… But we definitely need some help.”

“Then you’ll get it,” I answered. “I have a few things for you in my hold that you might like. And Shiny, I have some troops that might help organize an evacuation plan if all goes sour.”

“Now just a minute!” Twilight interjected. “This is supposed to be my test!”

I narrowed my eyes and my wings shot back, a sign of anger I never could quite control. “Are you truly so fucking childish, Twilight? Is some damn test more important to you than the life of every being in this city? Is your personal record so important to you? Then by all means, get to work. But don’t expect the rest of us to sit still while you twiddle your damn hooves and gallivant around. Saving a kingdom is more work than one person can handle. Help if you want, but I’m not going to wait on you.”

Pretty much everyone in the room was just staring at me in raw shock. After a few seconds, Twilight started storming away.

Applejack quietly said, “He’s right, ya know. And you know I can’t lie, Twilight.” That stopped the purple mare in her tracks. “I know you don’t like it, but this never was a job you could do on yer own. That’s why we’re here. And maybe that’s why some weird fate sent Nav here, too.”

“As… rude as he was, he’s definitely right,” Rarity said. Twilight’s head sunk low. “And as much as I hate to say it, I believe Princess Celestia made a rather large miscalculation when she tried sending you here on this test of hers alone. You’re capable and able, Twilight, but nopony can do everything themselves.”

And now Shiny weighed in. “The most important thing a leader can do is put the right ponies in the right places, Twiley. Nav didn’t even discuss getting rid of Sombra. He doesn’t know how, he doesn’t know magic. But he does know the military and you don’t. Just let us all help you.”

That should have been the part where I gave my two cents, but I didn’t give a fuck.

It didn’t seem to matter too much, thankfully, as Twilight turned back around, her face set in a determined glare. “Then let’s do it,” she said. “What’s everything you know about the Crystal Empire?” she asked Shining Armor.

“Very little,” he answered. “Just that the place didn’t need a spell like Cadance’s before Sombra took over. It was protected, but we don’t know how or why.”

A clatter from the front door of the throne room got everyone to look that way. In walked my team, Watcher at their head. It seemed that everyone from the ship was there, minus a few crewmembers and two of the squads. “Reporting for duty,” Watcher said with, for whatever reason, a salute my way.

“At ease,” I said, getting him to relax.

At the same time, Twilight and Rarity both yelled, “Spike!” and rushed toward the poor dragon. I don’t think he knew what hit him when they started hugging him.

“Kumani, you get the package?” I asked over the noise.

“Yep.” She hefted the thing with a smile and walked my way as the girls began talking amongst themselves. “So what’s in this thing, anyway?”

“Coffee,” I answered, taking it from her. “Doppel!” The changeling jumped and quickly flitted over to me. “Take this and find the kitchen. Make one hell of a strong mug of coffee, load it with sugar, and bring it up here.”

“Yes, master,” she said, taking the box.

As soon as she heard the word coffee, Pinkie eyed the box with a ravenous hunger. “C-can I have some?” she quickly asked me as Doppel trotted off.

“No. God no. Jesus, I don’t think we’ll kill Sombra by partying at him.” I turned back to Cadance, who was looking at the horde of weird creatures in her hall with some confusion. “Cadance, when Doppel brings that coffee back, drink all of it. You hear me? Every drop.”

“What? Oh, right, coffee. I… Are you sure?”

“You’re tired. This will make you not tired. And if I have to, I have a certain artifact that might help. But I want to avoid using it if at all possible,” I added, my hand going to the pouch where the dark amulet resided.

“So Nav, how about that explanation?” Dash asked in a rather threatening voice.

“Did you have an adventure?” Pinkie asked.

“Did you get hurt?” Fluttershy almost whispered.

“And why’s that dragon dotin’ on ya?” Applejack added.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Look, we’ll have time for all that after our lives aren’t in danger. When we get Sombra six feet under, we can talk. Until then, I think surviving is more important.”

Of course, Kumani didn’t leave it at that. Her claw reached around my shoulder and pulled me against her as she looked at Applejack. “But to answer your question, we’re dating.” Given that Twilight and Rarity managed to drag Spike our way, the silence that one statement brought would have fit well in a senior class after the teacher asked for volunteers. After a few seconds passed, Kumani said, “What?”

“This calls for a party!” Pinkie suddenly shouted, a large smile coming to her face. She hopped in place and was about to take off before stopping. “Wait, is there a party store here?”

Thank God she forgot about her cannon. “We don’t have time, either way,” I said.

“It does, at least, call for congratulations,” Cadance said with a warm smile. “I’m glad you found somepo—one, Nav.”

“Er, yes,” Rarity nervously said. “Um. Congratulations?”

“Save it,” I sighed. “So Twilight, you’re apparently the expert. How do we kill Sombra?”

Thankfully, that got most of the attention off me and Kumani, though a few eyes were still darting toward us. “Well, we know something used to protect this place, but we don’t know what. We need to find out whatever it was and get it back. We should ask everypony in town, see if any of them know or can help us.”

“Go for it,” I said with an encouraging nod. “I need to talk strategy with Shining Armor.”

“Uh, alright? Let’s go, girls! Spread out and talk to everypony you see, try to find out what they know.” She got five acknowledgements and then they all started trotting out the door, my group splitting up to let them out.

“Now that the kids are gone…” I said, turning to Shining Armor. “You said the people here are useless, right?”

“Yeah. They all have amnesia.”

I nodded, suspecting something like that. “Watcher, work with Shining Armor. Figure out an evac plan if everything goes to shit. Then leave a squad with him and Cadance and start searching the palace for hidden rooms—all shitty cliché villains have them. Kat, you work with them on that.”

“Alright,” she said with a shrug, starting to walk around the throne room tapping at walls.

“Yes sir,” Watcher said. “What will you be doing?”

“I’m taking everyone else here down to a library, as soon as we can find one. If you happen to find any hidden rooms, be very careful. Sombra seems like the kind of asshole that would leave traps. I trust you can deal with some dark magic?”

His eyes flashed green and purple for a moment and he nodded. “I have some experience with it.”

“You really fucking scare me, Watcher.” A thought struck me and I dug the alicorn amulet out of my pocket. “Shining Armor, if the worst happens, put this on. You’ll know what to do. But for the love of God, don’t leave it on for longer than you have to and don’t put it on unless Sombra is kicking the palace doors down.”

“What is it?” he asked, taking the proffered amulet.

“Something called the alicorn amulet. It’s a dark and evil item that boosts power at the cost of corruption. Worth it for a short time, if it’s an emergency.”

“...Alright.”

I nodded and looked back to Watcher. “Send word if you find anything important. Hopefully we can find a library quickly.”

“Yes sir,” he said with a short salute. “Squads one and two, with me. Three, go with Nav.” Five of the night ponies stepped forward. Two were his command squad and the others were another squad.

“Everyone else, spread out around the city and look for a library. Go in pairs. When you find it, come back here. Everyone, listen for a horn. If you hear it, come back to the palace. Now let’s go.”

The soldiers saluted, the crew members nodded, and everyone else used various acknowledgements. And then they all went to do as I ordered, leaving me with Kumani, Taya, and those that were supposed to be at the palace.

“That order goes for you two as well,” I told them, crossing my arms. “The more eyes we have searching, the faster we’ll find it.”

“Why aren’t you going?” Kumani asked.

“Because I have the magic horn that tells everyone to regroup. Why haven’t you already left?”

“I can’t read,” she answered with a shrug.

I sighed and shook my head. “You’re going to learn when we get back to the ship, then. Take Taya. She’s your partner. Now get looking. Kumani, you can cover ground quickly. Just carry her and run or fly around.”

“Really, daddy?” Taya asked.

“Consider it a bonding activity,” I said. “Now go.” They were both grumbling, but left. “Bitches be trippin’,” I muttered as I started following them.

“So what really brings you here?” Cadance asked. I looked back to find that Shining Armor and Watcher went somewhere else, leaving the five soldiers behind. Two were helping Kat look around and three were sort of looking like bodyguards.

“Honestly? Blind chance. I was expecting nothing but tundra up here. My job was to get in, grab something from under the ice, and get out. It got… complicated.”

“I’ll say,” she sighed. “It has been a long, long month. Everything immediately went to Tartarus when you left, Nav. This is just the latest problem.”

“And it will be weathered, just like the others. By some strange twist of fate, I’m here. And while I’m here, I’ll help. Besides, I need Sombra dead before I can start mining.”

“So what are you here to find?” she asked.

“Are you really sure you should be talking? Honestly, you look like shit.”

“It helps keep me awake,” she said with a tired shrug. “And honestly, I’m really curious. What could’ve brought you here?”

“Look, I can tell you when Sombra is dead and gone. I might need your help with it anyway. But until then, just consider it not important.”

Flo whispered, “You could tell her, Nav. If you can trust any of them, it’s Cadance.”

I could, but it honestly can wait.

“Alright,” Cadance answered. “Unimportant it is. For now. But what about that dragon of yours? At least tell me about her.”

“Name’s Kumani,” I answered. “You met her at that party in Paris two years ago. I bumped into her last year and told her if I managed to stay single up through this year when I was planning on leaving, I figured we could give romance a shot. And so we did.”

“And so you did… How’s it working?”

“I… had and have my doubts. Everything I hear is about how dragons are so possessive and greedy. She’s definitely shown signs of it. But on the same vein, it looks like she’s working on it. It’s been mostly interesting, aside from that one really terrifying night when I got dosed with heavy hallucinogens. Jesus… I almost killed myself to get away from her that night.”

“What happened?”

“Got stabbed with a cursed dagger. Someone aboard the ship made something to cure me, but it had the side effect of giving me the worst hallucinations possible. Let me tell you, never look in mirrors when you’re like that.”

“Alright…? What about the rest of your crew? Anypony that colorful?”

“A few. You already know most of them.”

We talked a little about my interesting crew until a certain adorable bug pony showed up. “Coffee’s ready, Master!” Doppel sang, fluttering up the staircase. “Hey, where’d everyone go?”

“Out,” I answered. “And I really need to join them. Cadance, drink all of that coffee. Doppel, stay here with her and help her stay awake.”

“Yes, master,” she said, walking over to the two of us at a more sedate pace.

“Cadance, I’ll be downstairs under the palace if you need me. At least, that’s where I’ll be until they find the library.”

“Alright, Nav. And good luck.” And so I went back downstairs to wait for my well-trained crew to find our destination.

It didn’t take that long for the squad of two soldiers to come back carrying something. “We found a map, sir,” the unicorn said. His horn lit up and pulled the large granite map off the earth pony’s back, who seemed very relieved to lose that weight.

“Very good. Wait, did you rip this off a wall?”

“No sir,” the earth pony said. “We ripped it off a statue.”

“Good job,” I said with a nod, studying the map. Several public buildings like the palace, library, and courthouse were all marked. “Yeah, this’ll help.” I pulled the horn to my lips and let out a loud, clear note on it.

Well, it was supposed to be loud and clear, but I didn’t hear it. I lowered the thing and peered into the larger hole on the top to check for stoppages.

“Did you guys hear that?” I asked when I didn’t see anything inside the horn.

“Yes sir,” the unicorn answered. “Loud and clear. Why?”

“...I didn’t. Well, hopefully everyone else did. You two stay here and direct them all to the library. I’ll meet everyone over there.”

“Yes sir,” they both answered as I spread my wings and took off, flying toward where the library should be.

I got there in good time, which wasn’t that hard since it was just a few blocks away. My metal-clad feet hit the crystal street with a loud clatter that was just going to get more and more annoying the longer I spent in that place. On the face of the building were two large crystal griffin statues, both with a paw raised in salute as they guarded that institute of knowledge. Between them and above the door was a crystal book open to some page that I was too lazy to read as I passed into the double doors beneath it. Into the library I went, wondering about what horrors might be contained within.

“Oh fuck me,” I sighed as I got my first look at the inside of the massive library. Rows and rows of books shot off away from the entrance, with stairs going up and down to even more rows. The entire place was made of crystals and there didn’t seem to be any kind of desks, tables, or counters.

And worse, no card system for finding books.

“Can I help—Oh my word, what in Equis are you?!” an old female voice asked, going from friendly to horrified.

I looked toward her and saw a very old off-white mare staring up at me with a large pair of spectacles on her face. Her hair was a darker grey than the fur on her body and she looked like she had seen considerably better days.

“I’m here from the Planetary Defense Force, ma’am. I’m afraid you have a severe xenos problem. The tyranid are pounding at the gates and there’s information here in the library to help stop them. So do you happen to know where the history section is?” I asked.

She didn’t understand most of the words that just came out of my mouth. To be fair, most humans probably wouldn’t understand them either. But her overloaded mind did latch onto the last part of what I said and sent her brain into overdrive trying to process it. “...History, history…” she turned her head a few times as she mused before looking back to me with a confused smile. “Yes.” Holy shit, really? Maybe my luck’s looking up.

“Then take me there, please.”

The smile on her face immediately disappeared. “Oh… Hm. Where is it, again?” she whispered to herself, looking around once more. “I just can’t seem to remember!” Go fucking figure.

I snorted and started walking into the library proper. “Call me if you fall down and can’t get up, old lady.” God knows I could use a good laugh.

“Y-you too,” she called weakly as I walked away and started to check shelves.

The first group to make it to me was Kumani and Taya, unsurprisingly. They wasted no time in finding me. “So what now?” Kumani asked.

“Since you can’t read, go wait at the door and tell everyone to start tracking down Crystal Empire history books and encyclopedias. Bring them all to the middle and stack them up. We can go through them when we get a good amount of people here.”

“Can’t we just use the catalogue?” Taya asked.

“There isn’t one. There’s no telling the damn organizational scheme this place has, if it even has one. Kumani, take my horn and wait outside. If anything big happens, blow on that thing.”

“Ugh. Why do I have to do it?” she groused.

“Because you can’t read. Taya can. If we ever have to start fighting, you’ll have something to do.”

She rolled her eyes and snatched the horn out of my hand, slinking back up the stairs to the exit.

“I think she’s upset,” Taya quietly said.

Kumani called back, “What gave you that idea?!”

“Dragon ears,” I whispered with a chuckle. We just heard a “Hmph,” from the dragon as she pushed the door open. “I’ll make it up to her,” I said in a normal voice as she pulled the door shut, hoping she could hear me.

“Why’s she even mad?” Taya asked.

“Because women are really, really weird,” I answered, tousling her hair affectionately. “Now get to looking for books. I want to get in and out of here before Twilight realizes she should have been looking for a library instead of talking to people.”

“Why the rivalry?” she asked as we both started pulling some books down. “I thought we were working together.”

“Oh, we are. But I don’t want her to get in my way. She wants to pass her test. I want to help Cadance. Because her goal is something that only she can do, she might try to stop me from accomplishing my goal. So I’d rather get my information and get out as quickly as possible.”

Of course, it wasn’t as simple as that. There were hundreds, maybe even thousands, of books in that library. Even when all fourteen of us that I had searching the library started looking, it took us an hour to find something even slightly useful.

“I found one!” Sunny Disposition called over the quiet clamoring of people tossing books aside. I rushed her way, flying over a few piles of books. “History of the Crystal Empire,” she read from its cover.

A few people crowded around us, happy to finally discover something at least partially useful. “Get back to searching,” I called. “This is one book. There are thousands left unsearched. Who knows what else might be there?” Several sighs accompanied that declaration, but they all started searching again as I carried the incredibly large book off a short ways away and began reading.

Whoever originally wrote that book didn’t seem to believe in organization. There were a few chapters, but no index or appendix. So I started from the beginning and started going back.

The actual history portions of that book… Oh my God. It was extremely obvious that Celestia had not been around to purge this library yet. It actually detailed the truth of what happened in the founding of Equestria, how the Crystal Empire was the last remaining branch of the original Equestria. Those that remained in the frozen and forsaken lands, choosing to stay in the familiar rather than risking a change to the new.

It was not a pretty time, their first few years. But they slowly built up their strength and became more powerful, finding ways to survive in the freezing north. Eventually, an extremely charismatic and intelligent leader rose to power, one King Sombra. He revolutionized the kingdom, finding some manner of power source below the ice that allowed the city to push the cold away.

Each building was remade of that substance, that crystal. And the purest of it was forged into an artifact called the crystal heart, that was infused with the love and adoration or some bullshit like that of the crystal ponies. It changed every single one of the ponies into something new, something previously unseen.

Something the book described as glorious.

What’s weird is that the book’s history section stopped at that point, just making a mention that the wonderful King Sombra would continue the digging efforts, promising there was something even better down below…

After that was just some chapters about local customs that were apparently designed to infuse the crystal heart, which itself was only mentioned in passing. We can skip that process with Cadance’s magic, I bet. With the crystal heart at the forefront in my mind, I dove back into the book, looking past the customs section for anything about the artifact.

Only to find nothing. The chapter about the heart had been ripped out. Well well. Looks like Sombra took a page from Celestia’s book. And also this one.

I tossed the book aside and hopped up to call out, “Alright, everyone! New goal! Look for anything you can find about the crystal heart! Check encyclopedias and grimoires!”

A chorus of acknowledgements answered me as I joined them in the search.

It took another half hour, but Ames finally called, “Found one. A mention of the heart.”

I quickly flew over to him as he coiled back down lower to the floor, pulling away from the top shelf that was probably six feet above his head. “You read it?” I asked as he handed me the book.

“I saw the mention. I… am not a good reader.”

“But at least you can read,” I answered, flicking the encyclopedia open. I swear I heard some kind of roar from outside, but that might have just been me hearing things. This one, at least, was listed in alphabetical order, so it didn’t take me long to find the entry. It even had a hoof-drawn image. “Let’s see…”

‘An artifact of vast power, the Crystal Heart was created by King Sombra, may his name be forever remembered, and his minotaur smith, Terios. It is used to keep out the cold, harsh wasteland surrounding the glorious Crystal Empire, allowing the nation to more fully rebuild. Already it is the cultural capital of the known pony world, though the pony princesses to the south dispute the issue.’

“Ugh, politics,” I groaned, skimming through the next few paragraphs until I found another one that looked important.

‘The Crystal Heart must be placed at the base of the palace where all the ponies may see it. It is an item that can only work to its full potential if the ponies it protects feel the hope and love it inspires in their hearts. Should their hope fade or their love be shattered, the Empire would be lost. And should the Crystal Heart ever fail or be stolen, there would be no helping us.’

“Oh great, so we’re fucked,” I muttered.

“Sombra wouldn’t have destroyed the heart,” Flo whispered. “He must have hidden it or spirited it away. No one would destroy something like that.”

Which just means we have to find it. How the fuck are we supposed to do that?

“What in Celestia’s name is going on here?” Twilight practically yelled.

Every head in the room turned her way and we beheld her and all five of her friends standing at the doorway. “It’s the biweekly book club meeting,” I answered, closing the encyclopedia with a snap.

Twilight snorted, stomping a hoof on the ground. “And just what are you looking for?” she asked.

“Books. It’s a fucking library. What did you think we were here for?”

I flinched back as a slapping sensation erupted across my face. “Stop it!” Flo hissed.

Twilight just damn near growled and looked behind her. “Girls, get looking. We have to find something!”

“Tell her,” Flo demanded. “She may be insufferable, but you can’t talk. Withholding information that you could both use is childish, conceited, and selfish.”

“Bah! Twilight, come here. We need to talk.”

“Oh no,” she said in a tone as sarcastic as she could get it. “Saving the city is more important than talking!”

Well, I was going to save her some time and give her the rundowns on the books. She can read them herself, now. I walked over to where I had left the history book and grabbed it before carrying them both to where Twilight was using her magic to float books past her, pulling them off the shelves and reading the titles as the passed.

“Save yourself some time,” I said, dropping the two books on the ground in front of her. “Everyone, let’s go! We got what we came for.”

“What are these?” Twilight asked as I started walking to the door.

“Read them and find out,” I called over my shoulder. That was when I stopped caring, so I didn’t pay attention to whatever she did.

“So what now?” Taya asked when we got outside. Kumani flew down from the roof to join us, repeating the question before I could answer.

“We go back to the palace. We need to find some artifact called the crystal heart. If anyone knows where to start looking, it would be Watcher. Wait, where’s Spike?”

“He stayed back in the library,” Gilda answered with a shrug. “Probably wanted to talk or something.”

“Ah. Maybe he can distract those girls for a little while, then. Keep them out of my damn hair.”

“If these six are so bad,” Jak said, “why not just… take care of them?”

“Because I don’t kill unless I have to. And in another time, they were friends. Jak, is there a way to trace artifacts other minotaurs created?”

“Nay, not that I know. However, you spoke to Watcher of finding hidden rooms. It would not take much effort to devise a resonance method to scope all hidden rooms in the palace. Maybe hints could be found in one, if there are any.”

Really would have been nice of you to have said that three hours ago. “Then when we get there, start working on it. If we find any hidden rooms at all, there are bound to be several more. Crazy bastards like Sombra do seem to enjoy those.”

Flo sighed and said, “Nav, you’re basing all of that on TV.”

Well, isn’t this a TV world? Clichés run rampant and stereotypical villains like Sombra take over willy-nilly. So yeah, I’m basing my knowledge off TV. But look how far it’s gotten me.

That shut her up. But she’ll have me know, as I write this, that she just stopped talking because she felt her point was made, not because I was obviously right and she was floored by my genius.

Anyway, we got back to the palace quickly enough to find that the map was still on the ground. Personally, I didn’t consider that a problem. “So what do you need, Jak?”

“I’ll need to examine the building for a few minutes. Once I have, I will probably be able to use the map to find the things I need.”

“Excellent. Fucking steal things if you have to. I don’t think they’ll mind too much. I’m going up to talk to Watcher, see if he’s had any luck.”

I walked on over to the stairs we originally went through to get up. Of course, Taya and Kumani followed me, though the rest were content to wait outside to look around. Actually, I think Smiles wanted to follow me, but he knew leaving Jak behind would be a poor life decision.

So it was that the three of us went up the stairs into the incredibly non-foreboding castle. As we walked up and up, we slowly became aware of what sounded like… giggling? “Do you hear that?” I asked, topping the first flight and seeing two of the night guards assigned to watch Cadance holding each other and giggling like kids.

“Yeah, I do,” Kumani answered, also making it to the top. “And there’s the source.”

“What the hell happened?” I quietly asked, walking over to the spiral staircase going up. From up there, I could hear sounds of fighting. My eyes opened wide and I sprinted up the staircase, bursting into a scene that honestly should have been what I expected.

Cadance was extremely jittery and had a massive, disturbing smile on her face. She was shooting hearts at Kat, Doppel, and the remaining guard, all of whom were dodging them like experts. As I watched in strangely fascinated surprise, one of the hearts struck Doppel and she froze, her eyes going wide.

The remaining half-heart shot off toward Kat, who saw it coming. Terror grew on her face, but that didn’t stop her. She did a frankly amazing flip over it and landed behind the guard, using the force of her flip to kick him toward the heart that was coming back around. It barely caught the poor guy and absorbed into him. He was soon making out with Doppel as Kat stood to her full height, baring her claws and hissing in rage at Cadance.

“What is the meaning of this?!” I shouted, slamming both doors fully open as I entered.

That is the exact opposite of what I should have done, as Cadance’s head shot toward me, the smile growing wider. “Navarone! And Kumani! Just the couple I wanted to see!”

I wasn’t having any of that bullshit this time, not after the hellish race through the castle at Canterlot. So as she kept talking, I pulled my gauntlet off and kept walking until I was right in front of her. Before she could react, I slapped her full across the face.

It actually took her a second to recover from that hit. When she did, I almost hit her again just because it would be funny, but I couldn’t justify it given that the recognition was back. “What… what happened?” she asked.

“Me deciding to never give a pony coffee again,” I answered. “Now undo your bullshit love magic.” I stepped aside so she could see Doppel and the guard making out on the floor.

She gasped at the sight, her horn lighting up even brighter to undo the damage. “I… Nav, how do you always do this to me?”

“Because it’s funny, I guess. There’s another pair downstairs. Go take care of them.”

“...Right,” she said, stepping over the pair on the floor who were still making out.

What? Doppel’s a whore. She’ll take what she can get.

“What just happened?” Kat asked with a scowl, watching the taffy pony walk past a similarly confused Taya and Kumani.

“Cadance’s special talent is love magic,” I answered. “Like, spells that make ponies fall in love and shit. And nonponies, as it happens. Apparently, coffee and ponies don’t mix, so it sent her a little over the edge. To be fair, it did the same thing to Pinkie.” But on a wholly different scale.

“So what was she trying to do to us?” Kumani asked.

“Probably hit us with the spell so nothing happens to our relationship,” I answered with a shrug. “Kat, you find anything?”

“Yes. There are—”

“Wait, why didn’t you let her?” Kumani demanded, grabbing my arm and turning me to face her.

“Because any relationship that is forced by magic isn’t a relationship. If we are to fall in love, I want it to be natural, not something brought on by magic. Spending a long time like that with someone that you only love because you have to would be miserable.”

“...Alright. That makes sense.”

I looked back to Kat and nodded for her to continue. “There are several hidden areas in this chamber, but I don’t know how to access them. Watcher is checking out Sombra’s personal rooms now.”

“God, I don’t even want to imagine what sick things he might find there. Do you know where that is?”

“I think so. And if not, I can find it easily.”

“Alright, lead us to him.” She nodded and started walking to a side door. “Doppel! Get your ass off the floor and go back to watching Cadance. You too, soldier. There will be plenty of time to fuck later.”

They unlocked faces and pulled away, both sighing. “Yes sir,” the guard said.

At the same time, Doppel replied, “Yes, master…”

I nodded at their compliance and started following Kat. Kumani and Taya once more both followed me like lost little puppies. “You know,” I said as we walked through relatively dark halls that still glittered, “this castle is really cool. Not in the cold way, in the awesome way.” Saying that actually made me notice how hot I was getting in my armor. I was expecting to have been out of it by that point, so I wasn’t worried so much about the heat wearing heavier clothes under it would generate.

“It is,” Kat said with a nod, looking to an alcove where a crystal dragon posed off in a combat stance against a row of soldiers, a black crystal pony at their head. “I certainly wouldn’t mind living here.”

“We probably will, for at least a week or two,” I replied. “We just need to get Sombra out of the way and then our job here can truly begin. Hopefully Cadance and Shiny will be gracious enough to allow us to either stay in the palace or at least keep our ship here.”

“They better,” Kumani said with a snort of steam. “After all this? I’d be a little upset if they asked us to leave.”

“Cadance wouldn’t do that, daddy,” Taya added. “You let her live with us for so long. It’s only fair that she return the favor.”

“Life ain’t fair,” I muttered under my breath as we took a turn. “So how big is this place, anyway?” I asked. “From the outside, it looks pretty damn huge.”

“It’s huge on the inside as well,” Kat answered. “I haven’t seen much of it, but Watcher found a map. It goes a few hundred meters below the ground, but we haven’t found a stairway going down yet.”

“I’m not certain I want to,” I said. “Sombra sounded like a sadistic little fuck. Ain’t no telling what kind of torture stuff he has down there.”

“A tortured population is a useless population,” Watcher replied, coming from a room somewhere in front of us. “I found a few hidden compartments in his room, Navarone. Small comforts, bottles and things. Books. Treasures. Nothing that seemed important.”

“Did you find a blue heart made of crystal?” I asked.

“No. What is that?”

“It’s what protected this place back in the day. I have no idea where it is, but I suspect it’s hidden somewhere. Probably in the palace.”

“Hm… Maybe there’s something in one of those books he had hidden. All the compartments are open, if you want to check. I can get to looking for other hidden places.”

“Kat found a few in the throne room,” I said with a nod toward the kitty.

“Would he really hide an artifact of power in his throne room, of all places?” Watcher asked. “They do bear investigation, but only after we check all the studies and the vault, if we can get to it.”

“Alright, fair enough,” I said with a shrug. “Take Kat with you. I’ll stay here and start reading. Oh, and Jak is working on building a device that should help with finding hidden rooms. Hopefully he’ll have it working soon.”

“That would be nice,” he said. “But until he does, we should keep looking. Come, Kat. Let’s find the treasury.”

“Ooh, I like that idea!” she answered. “Lead the way.”

“Well now, the treasury?” Kumani said with a chuckle. “Can I go? I can’t read anyway, after all!”

Damn dragon greed. “Whatever,” I replied with a shrug. “Just don’t take anything. I’ll be forced to give you a spanking if you do.”

“So be sure to take something,” she said with a nod. “Got it.” Pretty much everyone rolled their eyes at that answer as Watcher started leading them further down the hall. Taya and I went into the door Watcher had come out of, which led to a staircase that just went up and up and up.

“What is it with this fucker and stairs?” I asked when we had been walking for damn near five minutes.

“I don’t know,” Taya gasped, struggling for breath at that point.

“I really need to get you out more,” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m in full plate armor and doing better than you.”

“You’re part tree!”

“And? You’re young and spry.” She couldn’t easily answer, too out of breath. “Alright, yeah. We’re going to start going running together. I don’t think I could carry both you and this armor, so you better keep up.”

“Just… go on without me,” she breathed, collapsing in mock drama on the stairs.

“Alright. Catch up when you can.” I continued on, just waiting for her to start acting indignant.

“What?” There it is. “You can’t just leave me!”

“You told me to. And we’re kinda in a hurry. So yeah. Catch up when you can.”

She just groaned and I saw a flash of light and heard a pop before she disappeared. I shrugged and started running up the stairs, finally able to actually hurry. And there she was at the top, rubbing one of her front hooves against her chest before inspecting it casually. “What took you so long, daddy?” She still had hints of being tired in her voice, but was doing her best to hide it.

“The stairs. Duh. Now let’s see what Sombra has hidden in here…”

The room itself was very lavish and pompously decorated, as I expected from any kind of royalty. His bed was a rather large thing, taking up a large portion of the area. Rich red-velvet sheets covered it. Several well-crafted crystal desks and tables lined the walls, along with a few bookshelves covered with treatises, atlases, and general things of that nature.

All of the hidden compartments were rather obvious, since they were the only parts of the place that weren’t made of sparkling blue crystals on the inside. Instead, they seemed to be made of some black crystal substance. Skipping over the treasures—crowns and jewels—I instead went to the books, hoping to find some manner of journal or other plot convenient item.

“So what should I be doing?” Taya asked.

“Look around, see if you can find anything useful. Just don’t touch any of the shiny things that were hidden. No telling if some of them are magic or not.”

“...Alright,” she answered as I went back to checking the books.

The first few on top were fiction, presumably guilty pleasures from back when the monarch was still a decent person. Or maybe from after. Who knows or cares? I casually tossed them aside after doing a quick check to see if they had pages cut out to fit things in.

One of them did, but all it had inside was a locket. Knowing that the rules of TV were currently active, I tossed it aside because it would only humanize Sombra by giving him a sad past. I don’t want my enemies humanized. I want them dead.

The last book in the stack was, thankfully, a journal. As soon as I started reading it, lances of pure pain slammed into both of my eyes. That made me yell in surprise and drop the book as I stumbled backwards, covering my eyes with my hands and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

“It’s a trap,” Admiral Ackb-er, Flo matter-of-factly said as I pulled away a wet and sticky hand, trying to see anything. Neither of my eyes picked up anything, but both were wet with warm fluids.

“Daddy!” Taya shouted, presumably running at me from some side room. She gasped in horror when she got to me. “W-what happened?!”

“Book,” I forced out, using one of my hands to feel around for it. The filthy thing was still open, so I forced it closed before Taya could risk the same damage I had. “Can’t see,” I added, holding one of my wet hands up.

She drew in a shuddering breath at whatever was on my hand. “I… I can fix this!” Her horn touched the side of my head, shooting off pain in the already aching area. A second later, some manner of healing magic hit me that soothed some of the pain, but did little else. “T-there! All better, right daddy?”

“I… still can’t see,” I quietly answered.

“Just a little more, then! You’ll see, I promise!” Despite myself, I snorted at that shitty joke. Her horn once again poked my head and more magic poured in, doing absolutely nothing. “There!”

“...Taya, go tell Watcher to be extremely wary of traps. And then get Zecora.”

“I can’t just leave you!”

“You can and will, Taya. Just… help me to the bed, okay?”

“I… I can carry you with me!”

I slowly stood up, doing my damndest to make sure I didn’t fall over. “Taya, help me to the bed. Then go tell Watcher about the traps. And then go and tell Zecora to come to me.”

Something slowly lifted me up and I had a short sensation of movement before I was very gently placed onto the bed. “I’ll be right back, daddy! I promise!”

“I know, Taya,” I quietly answered. Then there was the pop of teleportation, followed by silence. “Well shit.”

“I… don’t want to be the one to tell you,” Flo said, “but your eyes are… rather damaged. They might be fixable with magic and Zecora’s help.”

I sat up on the bed and reached around until I found my boots and pulled them off. Then my gauntlets. All of my armor came off relatively quickly and it got piled up on the floor. When the last piece hit the ground, I fell back on the bed, slipping both hands over my ruined eyes.

“Nav, talk to m—Wait.” For some reason, she suddenly stopped. And that’s when I heard it as well, a faint laughing. I slowly sat back up, uselessly casting my eyes about the room.

“Hubris,” a deep voice whispered right next to my left ear. I spun that way, reaching a hand out to punch. Nothing connected. “And thou paid for it,” the voice whispered in my right ear. I tried swinging again with the same results. “We know thy fear,” the voice said in both ears, stronger and louder. “Afraid to be useless, afraid to be weak… Afraid to be a burden. Without thine eyes, thou art all of the above.”

Something reached out to my chest and easily forced me back onto the bed. “Getting out of this room would be smart,” Flo warily said.

“Weak. Worthless. It would almost be a waste of time to kill thee.” As the voice said that last line, I heard a blade drawing from a scabbard in the pile at the side of the bed. “Almost. Goodbye forever.”

Before the blade could strike true, the door slammed open and what sounded like Kumani shouted, “NAV!” At her entrance, the blade clattered to the crystal floor and I let loose a sigh of relief. “What… was that?” she asked.

“Don’t know,” I quietly answered, despite knowing precisely what that was.

She seemed to get over her confusion and rushed to the bed, gently propping me up and drawing in a surprised breath. “Your eyes… Taya was right…”

“Flo says there’s hope. I’m listening to her.”

“...Right. After all, Zecora was able to heal that shoulder thing.”

“Yeah. I’ll be right as rain soon. Just gotta get her to help me.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince.

Thankfully, it didn’t take Zecora all that long to get up to the room. Taya was, of course, with her. “What caused this big problem in your eye? It might be fixable, just some dye.”

“There’s a book on the floor over there, a journal,” I said, waving my hand in what I thought was the general direction it came from.

“Your ache came from a book? I must take a quick look…” Her hooves started clip-clopping that way.

“Be careful,” I said. “I don’t want two blind people in here.”

“I am much smarter than I might look. I will not risk letting my eyes cook.”

“You might be smarter than you look, but I can’t fucking see.”

Well, that got a giggle from her, at least. Kumani just gently pulled my head to her chest, probably quite worried about my form of humor. After a few seconds of silence, Taya hopped up onto the bed next to me and leaned against me, pressing her warm and furry body against mine.

“Yes, this curse should be extremely easy to break. It doesn’t even require anything to make! Throw this book in a very hot fire, and that will lift this dark curse most dire. There is no actual damage to your eyes. It is merely an illusion that tells lies. But it comes at a very small cost: all the info in the book is lost.”

“Do it!” Taya blurted, and I suddenly felt Kumani grow much warmer.

“Hold on, Taya. Can it be read safely, without fucking someone’s eyes?” I asked, suddenly feeling extremely relieved.

“If one was wearing your magic ring, they could safely do anything.”

“That is… absolutely wonderful news, Zecora. My ring is in one of the pouches on my belt in that pile next to the bed. Grab it and take it and the book down to Watcher. Give him both and tell him to destroy the book when he’s finished.”

“That should not take me long. Let us hope I’m not wrong,” she said, walking over to my pile of armor and rifling through it.

“I’ll be really upset if you are,” I sighed, my wings sagging more than they already had been. “Going from hopeless to hopeful is tiring enough. Going back again will just piss me off.” She just chuckled again as Kumani pulled me closer still.

“If you keep laughing at this,” she growled, “I’m going to remove your white half and make you all black.”

“Your dark dragon greed must never win,” Zecora sagely answered. “To let it do so would be a sin. Your lover will soon be fine. Now I should go and find mine.”

She left with that oddly worded statement. Now, I wasn’t going to press them for details, but it made me wonder if Zecora and Watcher were porking. I mean, I could see that working out for them. All the luck to them, I guess.

With Zecora gone, Taya hopped onto her back legs and wrapped me in a hug, her furry face tickling mine. “You’re gonna be okay,” she whispered.

I wrapped an arm around her, holding her as well. “Yeah. It’s best to never underestimate me, I’ve found.”

Kumani snorted, finally loosening her grip. “That’s for sure. But I have a question, one that might not fit. How close are humans to their offspring? I know dragon parents are fairly apathetic toward their hatchlings.”

“For the most part, humans are extremely loving parents that will do everything they can to make a better life for their children. It’s the same for most species out there. But dragons don’t much need that, because they can survive just about anything with no problems. Human children are basically helpless until around fifteen or so, and mostly complete twats until around twenty. And that’s years, not months. Just, you know, don’t tell any of them that.”

“Hm… So how would you raise a dragon?” she asked in a voice that shouldn’t have been seductive at all. But the fact that it was and that one of her claws was trailing down my wings told me that her question was loaded.

“The same way I would a human. Taya, I know you’re feeling happy, but can you let go? If you keep twitching, you’re going to make me sneeze.” She sighed and did so, resuming her spot leaning against me instead. “I think it’s a fairly moot point anyway, Kumani. I don’t think either of us even want kids. Shit, we can’t even have them.”

“I was just curious. You know, this is a very nice bed… Taya, why don’t you go make sure Watcher burns that book, hm? I would like some uh… alone time with your father.”

“Ugh. Can’t it wait?” Taya asked.

“One way or another, I am about to have sex with Navarone. Either you can be in here to see it or you can be outside. I think everyone here would prefer you outside.”

Taya snorted and I felt her hop off the bed. “You’re right, daddy. Women are weird.” With that last phrase, she walked off in a huff, slamming the door behind her.

“Was that really necessary?” I asked when she was gone.

“No. But I’m feeling hot and you’re my relief. Now just you lie back and let me take care of you, my sweet little lover.”

When we were basking in the afterglow on the very comfortable bed, I was suddenly able to see again. My eyes beheld a beautiful dragoness holding me close, her scales shining brightly in the warm light of the room. A few feathers dotted the bed, signs of where she had been a little rougher than she should have.

And when she noticed my eyes back to normal, a larger smile appeared on her beastial yet pretty face, sharp teeth gracing her mouth. “You can see,” she sumptuously sighed.

“That I can,” I answered with a nod and a smile of my own. “And as much as I would love to stay and cuddle, we still have a job to do.”

“Must we go?” she sighed. “The bed is nice and this feels so… right. You have a good crew. Can’t you trust them to get the job done?”

“I probably could,” I answered, pulling away and sitting up. “But if I can do anything at all to help, it is my responsibility to. There will be plenty of time for us to share later, Kumani. But for now, we have a king to kill.”

“Then let’s make it fast,” she replied, sitting up as well. “I assume you want to get back in your armor?”

“I’d like to, yeah. It didn’t do me much good against the book, but it might help against other dangers.”

“Then I’ll help you, my brave sir knight.”

I snorted as I took the gauntlets she offered me. “If I was a knight, the princess you kidnapped would be very confused when I ran off with you instead of rescuing her.”

“Oh, I think the look on her face would be worth it…”

It didn’t take me long to get suited up. “And now?” she asked as I did one last check on all my gear.

“We kill a king,” I answered, tightening my sword belt.

After we figure out how...

Chapter Ninety-Five—No Gods or Kings

Chapter Ninety-Five—No Gods or Kings

It didn’t take the two of us all that long to get down the massive staircase. She had a long leg-span and could jump down several at a time while I didn’t have to worry about getting tired. Doppel was waiting for us at the bottom, probably trying to prepare herself for the long journey up. Being a whore gives you good cardio, but not much else.

“Shining Armor wants to see you in the throne room, master,” she told me, seeming at least somewhat relieved that she didn’t have to go up the stairs.

“Ugh. Is it important?” I asked. My plan was to go see Watcher and find out what he was doing.

“It seemed like it. I don’t think he’d ask for you unless it was,” she answered with a shrug. “Cadance and those other annoying girls were there as well, but I think most of them were just about to leave.”

I rolled my eyes before starting to walk toward the throne room. “Might as well see what he wants,” I sighed. “Hopefully it won’t take too long. Do you know what they were talking about before he sent you away?”

“The girls were talking about plans for something called a Crystal Fair, I think. I was too busy trying to figure out which one of them was in heat. The feel was there, but I don’t know which one…”

“Doppel, you have more than enough crew to molest. Don’t add any of those six.”

“Why not?” Kumani asked. “Have a little fun. We’re leaving them behind when we leave this strange city anyway. As annoying as they are, maybe a little heartbreak would do them good.”

“First, they know Doppel,” I said.

“Second,” Doppel butted in, “I know them. I don’t want anything to do with them, master. I just like the feel of a mare in heat, is all. And of course, teasing them is always so much fun…”

“I learned my lesson about that a long time ago,” I quietly said. “Mares are fucking crazy. Mares in heat are even worse.”

“What happened?” Kumani asked.

“Something that only technically wasn’t rape,” I answered with a shrug. “But here we are.” I pushed the doors to the throne room open before Kumani could ask more uncomfortable questions.

Of course, I forgot that Kumani doesn’t really care about social politeness. “So who technically raped you that time? Someone I can get revenge on?”

Shining Armor and Cadance didn’t quite know what to make of that. “...What?” Shiny asked. “Nav, is there more you aren’t telling me? Look at what happened with Luna! If anypony wronged you, just let me know!”

“Shiny, I’m not going to make you choose between duty and family.” His eyes jerked open wider at that. “Especially not right now. What did you need me for?”

“If there wasn’t a crisis, you would be explaining that,” he sighed. “But don’t think I’ll forget.”

“Me either,” Kumani quickly added.

Cadance probably would have said something as well if she didn’t seem to be staring at colors only she could see.

“But there is a crisis,” Shiny said. “Twilight and her friends have found a book of traditions the crystal ponies did to empower the kingdom. They could really use your help.”

I contemptuously snorted. “Really? I gave Twilight both books and she only read the least relevant part of one of them, not even noticing the entire missing chapter?”

“...What?” Shining asked, honestly confused.

“The Crystal Fair isn’t important at all. There’s an artifact called the crystal heart that the ponies are supposed to charge with their love or some bullshit. That keeps all the big baddies away. But your wife could probably charge that thing right up to full with a blast of her horn if we knew where to find it. I have my team looking for it right now.”

Shiny’s head lifted to the door behind me, his eyes filled with a mix of curiosity and confusion. When he looked back to me, he asked, “Are you sure?”

“That’s what the books I gave to Twilight said. Well, not the part about Cadance, but the part about the crystal heart. The fair was just used to power it because they didn’t have overpowered magic to do the job for them.”

“...How did Twilight miss that?” he muttered.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” I said with a bored shrug. “As long as they stay the hell out of my way, they can do whatever they want.”

“They should be told, Nav!” Shiny replied somewhat vehemently. “As… amoral as Celestia has been proven, she is still a very intelligent and able ruler. If she sent my sister and her friends here, it must have been for a good reason. I’m sure they could help you!”

“I would very much rather have someone that is going to follow my orders and not do something stupid just to try to prove me wrong. Or worse, to pass a stupid test. The girls think they’re doing something useful now. I say we let them continue doing their little fair thing. Meanwhile, we can get the heart and hopefully put it in place before anything big happens. Then they go on their way and I do what I actually came here for. Everybody wins.”

“Unless you can’t find it!” Shiny rebutted.

I scoffed and answered, “If an extremely well trained guard squad, a trained and practiced assassin, a minotaur with a device designed to find secret rooms, and everyone else in my team can’t find this thing in the palace, what makes you think an untrained and impetuous unicorn like Twilight could?”

Cadance finally spoke up with, “Arrogance is unbecoming of you, Navarone.”

Kumani laid a claw on my shoulder and said, “Is it a crime for the great to know they’re great? He spent some time building the group he has. Should they not be used for their purpose?”

“Humility is a virtue,” the pink alicorn answered. “And the charity to accept help when it isn’t needed is applaudable.”

Dragons are not at all familiar with that, I don’t think. “If it isn’t needed, why would you—”

I stopped her with an upraised hand, though honestly I was surprised she took that as a sign to actually stop. “Tell you what, Cadance. I’ll make you a deal of sorts. If we can’t find this thing by noon tomorrow, we’ll tell Twilight and her friends. If we can, cool. Either way, I want permission to do some work in this kingdom and the lands around it after Sombra is gone. Nothing that should affect any of the ponies here.”

“Another condition,” Shiny said before Cadance could react. “Not all of your team will be helping you search the palace, I imagine. Sombra seemed to have hidden his hidey-holes well and some ponies aren’t as well equipped to find them. Those that aren’t helping you can help Twilight with her fair.”

“Hm…” It was an easy condition, but it had what might be a hidden pitfall. “Are you sure you want that? I have about eight normal ponies in my crew. The other sixteen are night guards, made to look like them. And everyone else is another species entirely. Do you think the crystal ponies would be okay with that?”

“Judging by the statues I’ve seen, yes,” he answered with a very sure nod. “Maybe not so much dragons, but since neither of the ones with you are that big, it probably won’t be a problem.”

“Then I consider that an acceptable condition. I imagine there will be quite a rush from my team to prove themselves useful to Watcher now.”

Cadance wearily smiled and said, “I doubt it. What sane pony would prefer to risk dealing with dark magic to planning a fun and happy fair?”

“A soldier, dear,” Shining Armor said with a small smile. “How can I help you?” he asked me.

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “I need to find Watcher now and talk to him. Then I need to go find Jak and find out how he’s doing on that device. Cadance, you’re going to need some more coffee soon. It’ll wear off and you’ll feel even worse, otherwise.”

She flinched slightly when I said that, but nodded. “Very well,” she wearily sighed. “But you have to keep me company tonight.” The claw on my shoulder suddenly increased quite a lot in pressure. “I know it’s summer now, so you don’t sleep. Shining Armor needs his rest, in case something bad happens.”

“I really don’t,” he said, putting a hoof on her back.

“You’ve been awake as long as I have, dear. You’re just more used to it because of your guard training. Now that there’s somepony else to help me, let him help me. You need rest, my love. If the worst comes, you need to be at your best.”

He sighed and looked away, nodding. “Alright, Cadance. But you better wake me up if anything happens.”

Despite the pressure I could feel even through my armor, I just nodded and said, “Alright. I got plenty of games on my laptop that’ll help keep you awake, Cadance. And Kumani, relax. She’s happily married.”

“And everypony knows that Nav doesn’t go after married mares,” Cadance added with a nod. “Or married stallions, for that matter.”

“It is… highly worrying that you consider that something commonly known,” Kumani very calmly said while using her grip on my shoulder to pull me closer to her.

“Jesus… Look, Kumani, I’m not going to fuck her. Cadance is a friend who happens to have a vagina. Consider her the exact same as, say, Spike. If you’re getting worried about this, you really need to trust me more.” It felt like most of the pressure from her grip went away, at least, though she didn’t answer. “Shiny, we need to find Watcher. He should be in or near the vault, wherever the hell that is. Doppel, go make more coffee. Kumani, stay here with Cadance until Doppel gets back. Make sure she doesn’t pass out.”

“I am not a servant, Nav,” Kumani said.

“Well, if you feel like risking death by whatever plans Sombra has, feel free to let Cadance fall asleep. Shining Armor and I are going to find Watcher. We can uh… renegotiate later who gives what orders, if you’d like. Right now, crisis time.”

“...Very well. But those negotiations of ours are going to be rather intense and involved.”

“Even better. Come on, Shiny.”

He sighed and started following me as I turned back to the door we came in. “Must you really call me that? If we win this, I might well be a king, Nav.”

“Eh… King-consort at best. Remember, Cadance is the one with both wings and a horn.” The doors easily parted beneath my might and the two of us passed through into the hall, out of the throne room. “Besides, isn’t she the one fucking you in the ass?”

“...You could have waited for the doors to close before saying that,” he said as Kumani’s head probably shot our direction in shock. “Or better yet, not say that at all.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. It was me that gave her the advice. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be claiming big titles like king while not being the one in charge.”

“I’m sure that once we get things here up and running, I’ll have my fair share of responsibilities. As you told me yourself, marriage is a partnership. Something you seem unready for, judging by your dialogue with Kumani.”

“I never even pretended to be ready for marriage. But this relationship is fairly new and this is our first operation together. Dragons aren’t used to taking orders, it seems.”

He snorted and replied, “You shouldn’t order those you care about around, Nav.”

“Even in a military operation where lives are at risk? I understand that it’s a bad idea, but it’s important that she be willing to do as I say, at least when it’s important. However, judging by that last back and forth we had, I might have to make a few sacrifices to ensure she does that.”

“What could she even want? I can’t really think of any ‘sacrifices’ she might ask you to make.”

“No clue.” That’s a lie. “It’ll probably be interesting, at least.” Though interesting isn’t always good.

“So why a dragon?” he asked. “After… what happened, I imagined you would go for somepony a little meeker. More tame, I guess.”

“I’m stupid. It’s been interesting, at least. It’s the dragon’s mating season or something, so she’s been all over me, for better or worse.”

“Uh huh. So what will you do about foals? I don’t think there are many dragon adoption agencies out there. Or human ones, at that.”

“Shit, dude. I don’t want any more kids. At least, not right now. I don’t know what she wants, though. I figure it’s way, way too early in our relationship to bring that up. I just assumed that if she’s with me, she doesn’t mind not having them. Hey, speaking of that, where’s Skyla?”

He scowled at the mention of his daughter and said, “In Canterlot. I understand why we couldn’t bring her… But I absolutely hate that she isn’t here with us, where I can keep her safe. At least she’s in good hooves. Once things settle down, I might return to get her personally.”

“So you guys are actually going to get to keep this place if you can tame it?”

“If we can tame it, yes. Celestia claimed it was Cadance’s birthright, whatever that means.” Probably just some bullshit Celestia came up with on the spot to get rid of the two.

“Well, I’m sure you two will grow into it. Lord knows it’s about time you got out of Canterlot.” Though going from Canterlot to a place like this might not necessarily be an improvement.

“Yeah. Same for you. And you know, we would grow into this job much easier if we had a good advisor helping the two of us.”

“Then don’t accept any that Celestia appoints. They’d put Equestria’s interests above yours.”

“I’m offering you a job, Navarone,” he said with a smile. “Name your price and I’m sure our coffers can cover it once we get this place up and running again.”

That was the most directly tempting offer I had gotten so far. Sure, retiring as a king with Chrysalis would be interesting, but it had a ton of problems that were obvious from the start. Same for dating Celestia. But a job with Shiny and Cadance…?

“You don’t know how much I want to say yes. If I didn’t have to do what I came here for, I would take you up on that. Will that offer stay on hold for some time?”

“Absolutely,” he answered, his smile growing wider. “We could really use somepo—one like you. I imagine after what’s happened, there’s little love lost between you and Celestia, and in effect the rest of Equestria. I know you’re close with the griffins, but I don’t know how well living there would go over. Same for the changelings.”

“Chrysalis offered to make me king. She wasn’t entirely pleased when I turned her down.”

“... I can imagine. From what little I remember of her, she didn’t much care for hearing the word no.”

“Yeah… Dude, where the fuck is the vault?”

We both stopped and he looked up the hall and then behind us before turning back to me. “Nav, I was following you. I thought you knew where you were going.”

“I just got here! You’re the one that’s been here for two weeks.”

“...Alright, give me a minute.” He walked up the hall a few feet to a tapestry. When I got next to him, I saw that the thing showed a large black stallion with a very strange horn and a hairstyle that just screamed 80’s. He was standing in front of three rows of nondescript soldiers, facing off against a horde of what honestly looked like fucking undead. “We’re going to need to get rid of these,” he muttered, studying it before looking around the hall again.

“Dude, that thing is fucking awesome. Though why are there zombies on there?”

“I don’t really know the history of this place that well, but I think something named Grohan or Godor lived up here for some time, using dark magic to raise the dead.”

“...Grogar?”

“That sounds right. Alright, I think I know where we are. Come on.” He started walking off again. “Even with as much as you read, I’m surprised you know about Grogar. I only learned about him in passing during my advanced royal guard training.”

“I’ve heard his name once or twice. But increasingly often.” Worryingly so. “It’s another one of those things Celestia removed from history books, I imagine.”

“That… is not surprising to me. It should be, but… Do you know what all was hidden?”

“Not everything. But I’m almost positive that the books in the library here were not screened. So if you can protect them, you can find out for yourself.”

“I will definitely do that, then. Though I never really was big into reading.” You don’t say. “Any suggestions on where to start?”

“Fuck all if I know. I just know the Hearth’s Warming story is a lie. That book I gave Twilight has the real story in it, or at least part of the real story. I also know that there is a spirit of chaos called Discord that ruled a while ago, was put into a stone prison by Celestia, escaped recently, and she’s been covering up the fact that he broke out. He’s the one that killed off humanity, not that it’s important. And there’s—”

“Wait, what?”

“Dude, have I got some stories for you later. Anyway, the last thing is the history of a dragon called Reginald, who was apparently instrumental in protecting the ponies in their early days. He had all kinds of cool stories, like how originally all ponies were alicorns but Discord split some of them into three, making earth, unicorn, and pegasus ponies.”

“That doesn’t… What?”

“Like I said, I have some stories for later. But since there’s a really big and extremely safe looking door ahead of us, I think we made it.”

“I honestly don’t know how your team got that door open. Nothing I did would budge it!”

I just smiled as the two of us walked up to the massive set of doors, seemingly inlaid into the wall. “If I had to guess,” I said when we got to them, “these aren’t doors. Just put into the wall. The actual vault is probably hidden behind some magical door. Just a guess, based on what happened when I opened his journal.”

“Good guess, daddy,” Taya’s voice said. Both of us looked around, but couldn’t see her anywhere. At least, not until she stepped out of the wall. “Those actually are doors, though. It’s just a good thing Shiny didn’t get them open.”

“Really, Nav? She’s doing it too?”

“What’s on the other side of them?” I asked.

“Watcher just said pain,” she replied with a shrug. “So do you want to see the real vault?”

“Not really,” I said. “Just Watcher. But I assume he’s in there, so we might as well check it out.”

“Yep. And he was teaching me all kinds of cool magic!”

Oh great. More bad habits that she doesn’t need. “Well, lead the way,” I sighed.

“Um. You might want to hold on to me, daddy. It’s impossible to see until you get to the other side and it’s a maze in there. All the traps are gone, at least, but it’s still easy to get lost.”

“A maze?” Shining Armor asked. “How could he have even built that?”

Instead of bothering to answer, I just grabbed Taya’s tail with one hand and Shiny’s horn with the other. “Lead the way, Taya. We’re right behind you.”

“Really?” they both asked at the same time.

“Why the horn, Nav?” Shining Armor asked.

“Because it’s the obvious choice, unless you feel like hobbling along on three legs or me just grabbing your face.”

“And the tail?” Taya sighed, trying to weakly pull it from my oppressive grasp.

“Same reason. It can’t be one of your legs and it’s not like you use this thing anyway. Just lead the way.” They both sighed and rolled their eyes as Taya turned back to walk into the wall. The two of us followed behind somewhat quickly, so I wouldn’t risk jerking her tail.

It didn’t take the three of us long to get through the tunnel. It was completely pitch black all the way through, almost as though we were actually walking through a solid object. The complete lack of sound probably helped with that feeling. It was… eerie.

When we got out, though, we beheld a tremendous mass of fucking dosh. Like, treasure of every kind. Fancy equine armor, strange weapons, gold, silver, jewels, a few books, bones for some reason, and a various assortment of other items to which I didn’t really pay attention. Kat, Watcher, and his two redshirts were moving piles of junk from one area to another to continue looking for the heart. Kat decided to deck herself out in fancy gold trinkets, looking somewhat like a nigga with a passion for rapping.

“Find anything, Watcher?” I called, releasing both ponies. Taya’s tail flicked in response, pulling away from me. One of Shiny’s hooves went up to his horn to rub at it, for whatever reason.

“Just a bunch of useless treasure,” he grumbled, stepping away from the efforts to move the piles to walk over to us. “I can’t imagine what in Tartarus that bastard was going to do with all this.”

“Useless?” Shiny quickly interjected. “I could field armies with this! We could feed the city for years! There won’t be any need to tax the ponies here for… years, probably!”

“Gold has to come from somewhere,” Watcher told him. “We found records. This is all the gold in the city. All of it. You want an economy to appear when all’s said and done? You have to get the money back to the ponies somehow.”

“Well, that’s—”

“Not our problem,” I broke in. “Watcher, we have a deadline. Find the heart before noon tomorrow or Shiny’s sister is going to get involved and make our lives hell.”

“Then we’ll start working harder. I don’t need an amateur trying to tell me what to do.”

“Hey,” Shiny said, “Twilight is very well practiced and really smart!”

And she’s a sperglord. “Practice is not experience,” Watcher said. “When the fate of a city—and my fate, come to think of it—depends on the actions of someone, I’d prefer it to be someone who has done something like this before. Sadly, this palace is rather large and it may be impossible for one or two unicorns to search the entire thing. And that is, of course, assuming the heart is here at all.”

“Why does it have to be a unicorn?” I asked.

“So far, all the hidden areas have been blocked off and only accessible with dark magic. Your daughter seems to have picked it up quickly, but I won’t risk letting her run into other, more mundane traps.”

“Same,” I said with a nod. “Though you shouldn’t have taught her something with the adjective ‘dark’ before it at all.”

“Why not?” Taya petulantly asked.

“Noted,” Watcher said with a nod. “The point remains that I could use some more assistance, however. Sadly, I think I’m the only one on my team that actually knows how to do the magic.”

“I can,” Shining Armor said. “It’s another thing I learned in my training for captain. Though how you know it… Isn’t it forbidden?”

“No, it’s not. It’s just nearly impossible to find a teacher. And of course, knowledge of even its existence was heavily suppressed, so not many know to look for it.”

“Hm. Well, if you show me how to open the doors, I can assist you in searching.”

“Sir?” Watcher asked me.

“Go for it. Give him Kat to help him search and teach him how to open the hidden areas. Two search faster than one. If you get tired and you’re confident in Taya’s abilities, you are free to use her to open the doors, but you have to deal with the other traps.”

“Understood,” Watcher replied. Taya did a victorious hoof pump that she thought I didn’t notice. “We should get started now. Do you need anything else, Navarone?”

“Nothing I can think of. I just need to go talk to Jak, see how close he is to getting his device built.”

“Yes sir. I’ll keep Taya and Shining Armor here to teach them both, then send Shining Armor out when he has it down.”

“Alright. Hold onto my ring for now, then. Shiny, after I talk to Jak and head up to my ship for a second, I’ll probably be keeping your wife company, if you know what I mean.”

“Okay, Nav. I’ll see you when I see you.”

“Yeah. And Taya, be careful. You’re dealing with the kinda shit that actually blinded me.”

“Well technically—” she started.

“It blinded me,” I interjected. “And I do not want it to hurt you. So don’t do anything stupid. If you need me for something, you know where I’ll be.”

“...Yes, daddy. And I love you.”

“Love you too, Taya.” And with that last phrase, I went on back out the strange hidden door, tracing my steps back to the hallway where we first entered it.

It didn’t take me too long to find my way back out of the castle and down to the ground below. I only had to jump out of one window to do it. Most of my crew down there was doing fuck all, just sitting around and chilling like lazy bastards. Jak and Smiles were actually doing shit and a few of the people down there were helping them.

“Listen up!” I called, getting everyone’s attention. “Twilight and her friends are putting a fair together. Everyone that isn’t helping Jak, go help them. The sooner we finish helping Shining Armor and Cadance, the sooner we can go back to doing what we came here for.”

“What did we come here for?” someone muttered.

“You’ll find out when we finish helping Shining Armor and Cadance,” I answered. “Now go find those girls and volunteer.”

There were a few unhappy mutters, but Gilda actually pulled her weight by shrugging and walking off in some random direction, hopefully wherever the girls had gone. The others began following her, thankfully. Truth be told, I was surprised to see Gilda actually doing something like that, but I suppose she wanted to spend some time with Dash.

Anyway, with most of the crew out of the way doing fuck all, I walked over to Jak and the few people he appropriated for assistance. “How’s it looking?” I asked him.

“Unwell,” he growled. “This building is made of a material I have never seen. It will take more time than I was expecting.”

“Can you get it done before noon tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Excellent. If you need more help, I should be wherever Cadance is soon.” He didn’t answer, just continuing to mess around. Given how little of a talker he seemed, I just took that as my sign to leave. So I walked out from under the castle, spread my wings, and took off toward the airship that was hanging in the air above the city.

When I got up there, only the two crew members and their foals were on deck. They both looked up when I landed and one asked, “What’s going on down there?”

“A lot of things,” I answered. “Where are the squads?”

“Asleep,” the guy said. “We figured we would wake them up if we actually needed anything.”

“Well, I actually need something. Go wake one squad up and tell them to head down and find Twilight or something and ask to help with the fair.”

“Fair?” the other crew member asked. “Can we go?”

“Maybe. But someone has to watch the ship. Anyway, one of you go wake them up. I have a few things I need to get before going back down.”

“...Then why can’t you just do it?”

I scoffed. “And be in front of a tired, possibly pissed off ex night guard? Hell no. You two have magic. I just have armor.” With that bit of common sense thrown their way, I started to walk to the ship’s belowdecks entrance.

“Which squad?” one of them asked before I got there.

“Flip a coin,” I answered over my shoulder, starting down the stairs deeper into the ship. Thankfully, it didn’t take me that long to get what I needed and get out, since all I needed was my laptop and its charger. When I got back to the top, only one of the crew members was there, nervously strumming his hooves against the table. “Chill,” I told him. “Ain’t nothing that scary out here.”

“Even that massive black cloud against the shield?” he asked.

“Massive black cloud…?” He nodded toward one of the edges against the shield, where, as he said, a fuckmassive cloud of darkness loomed ominously, from the ground up to about the top of the shield. At the top of it, I could see Sombra’s glowing green eyes, what looked like an orange changeling horn, and some semblance of oily black hair. “Oh. Nah, that’s nothing to be too worried about.” Just an evil king that wants to kill or enslave everyone.

“Well, that’s good,” he breathed in relief. “So do the rest of us just stay up here?”

“Yeah. Now, I need to get back down. Just stay ready to do whatever is needed, I suppose.”

“Of course, Navarone. We won’t let you down.”

“Good.” And then I jumped off the side, falling down toward the city. After a few seconds, I arrested my fall and flew straight to the one of the windows at the throne room, flying through the open space and alighting on the floor. “Miss me?” I asked a weary looking Cadance and a bored looking Kumani. Doppel was nowhere to be seen, or I would have been asking her as well.

“We’ve just been… talking,” Cadance said.

“Well, now I have the laptop, so we can do something more amusing. Cadance, you ever go to a movie?”

“...Shining Armor took me to one, once, I think. It wasn’t really that amusing.”

“That’s because you guys are in the very early stages of film technology. I think I know just what will keep you awake, too. It’s time for Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” That’s personal enough for her, right? I didn’t want to show them anything too graphic yet, since I figured it might make Cadance throw up.

“That sounds… unpleasant,” she warily commented.

Kumani growled, steam pushing past her slightly bared teeth. “Never offered to watch anything with me.”

“I… didn’t think you’d be interested, Kumani. And you were always too busy trying to jump my bones.” Just one bone, actually. “By all means, stay and watch if you want.”

“Please do,” Cadance added with what looked like a forced smile.

“I think I will,” Kumani said with a nod.

I shrugged and set the laptop down on the hard floor, opening it and turning it on. With it starting up—not that it took longer than ten seconds—I started getting out of my armor. If we were going to be in that damn room for a long time, I didn’t want to be sitting around in that annoying, uncomfortable carapace. When it was all off, I sat down on the hard floor, pulling the laptop to me. “Well, come on over, you two. Shouldn’t take long for this to get set up.”

They both walked over next to me. Cadance sat her bony ass to the ground, staring at the device. “So what exactly is this thing, anyway?” she asked. “You never really explained it, that I can recall.”

“Just human technology with a bunch of information stored. Think of it as a library with a ton of human knowledge.”

“An entire library right here?” she asked in wonder. “Twilight would fall in love.”

“Which is why she doesn’t know about it,” I replied. “Kumani, are you going to join us or just keep standing there?” In hindsight, I should have realized she’d sit and then immediately pull me into her lap. It’s just something that she would do. And of course, something she did do.

“Oooh, that’s how it works,” Cadance said with a smirk, looking our way.

“Shut up,” I sighed, unwilling or unable to even come up with a better answer. “No one wants to hear your shit.”

“I think it’s cute,” she replied with a giggle.

“Hear that, Nav?” Kumani said, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s cute.” After she said that, I felt her lean over and then I felt a tongue tickling my ear, making me flinch away. She and Cadance just chuckled at my suffering.

“Why must you torture me so?” I asked, leaning over to find the movie in question.

“Because you like it,” Kumani answered, using a claw to stroke one of my wings. “And sometimes you make really funny sounds.”

“He does that too?!” Cadance asked with way too much glee. “I thought Shining Armor was the only one!”

I knew I had to step in before it was too late. “Do you guys want to watch this movie or not?” I asked. “If you just want to talk about boys, I can go find something else to do.” Like finding a really nice room that doesn’t have a ghostly guardian.

“We can watch it, dear,” Kumani said, letting her head rest on top of mine. “And you know we’re just teasing you.”

“You do it all the time to us, after all,” Cadance said with a smirk. “It’s only fair that we get some revenge.”

“Bah.” Now that they finally decided to behave, I pressed the start button and let the horror begin. Then immediately stopped it because neither of them could understand English. “Cadance, can you hit yourself and Kumani with a translation spell?”

“Simple enough…” When that was done, the horror began again.

“That was pretty impressive visually,” Cadance tiredly said, “but it was more disquieting than scary. I thought you said humans could be dark and evil, Nav. Surely there’s scarier stuff than that out there.”

“Yeah, that was pretty boring,” Kumani somewhat tiredly said.

“Alright, alright. I was going to save the harder stuff for later, but I see how it is.” My next search was for Thirteen Ghosts. “You guys might like this one. It’s more… spooky.”

...I almost had my arm ripped out of its socket while that movie was going. Cadance has a very painful reaction to jump scares, as it turns out.

“That one was pretty cool,” Kumani said, though Cadance hadn’t been alone in being afraid.

“C-can we watch s-something more… happy?” Cadance asked, her eyes very wide.

“Hey, I gotta keep you awake,” I answered with a shrug, prying my aching arm away from her very tight grip. “And you did ask for something scarier. Now, how about The Grudge?”

And so things went for the next few hours. We got through two more movies before Kumani got too tired to stay awake any longer. I sent her to bed and she went without too many problems, finally secure in the fact that I wasn’t planning on cheating on her.

“She seems… possessive,” Cadance said after Kumani was hopefully far enough away that she couldn’t hear us.

“That’s because she is. It’s been annoying, but not too bad just yet. I need to learn more about dragon customs, though. Like, she asked me to help her lay an egg. I thought that was really, really weird.”

“...That is really, really weird. Well, to me, at least. I don’t really know that much about dragons, honestly. So what was it like?”

“She’s still in her season, so she hasn’t laid it yet. It’ll probably be pretty freaky up until the point where we throw it over the side of the ship.”

Her entire body flinched and her head shot my way, eyes open even wider than they were during those scary movies. “W-What?”

“It’s unfertilized. You know, like a chicken egg that you’d eat.”

“...Oh. Yes, that does make sense. After all, I don’t suppose the two of you will be having foals…”

“Thank God for that, too. So what do you want to watch next? More scary stuff? Comedy? Happier things? Or would you prefer something more interactive?”

“Interactive how?” she asked.

“They’re called video games. You control an avatar on the screen and do all sorts of things.”

“Oh, video games! Like the few arcade games back in Ponyville and Canterlot?”

“...Yes. But those are ridiculously primitive compared to what we have. The ones we have can truly suck you in and eat hours at a time, if you let them. They’re definitely the easiest ways to stay awake, in my experience. If you find a fun one, at least.”

“Well, what’s a fun one?”

“Depends on what you’re interested in. Let’s see… You’d probably like The Sims or something. I don’t like them, but you’re boring enough to.”

“I’m not boring!”

“We’ll see.” I started poking around until I found the latest version of The Sims, which was the tenth one or some bullshit like that. When I loaded it up, it looked the exact same. “Well, find a formula and stick to it,” I muttered, opening the tutorial for her. “There. Mess around with this. If you break my laptop, you’re going to be getting a hell of a spanking.”

“That… would be a bad idea,” she said with a small blush. “Though I suppose it would definitely help keep me awake.”

“God, you damn ponies are perverts. I’m going to go get more coffee. Where’s the kitchen?” She gave me perfect directions, which made me rather happy. Looks like Shiny’s been making sure she knows her place.

Sure enough, her directions led me right there. As I set some water up to boil, I checked the larders for anything that would be quick and easy to make. Sadly, there didn’t seem to be much of anything in any of the pantries, so I just shrugged and made the coffee before heading back to the throne room. When I got there and got settled next to Cadance, I saw that she had managed to build a human version of her own family.

“Did you make sure that this Skyla is also evil and extremely hateful?” I asked, passing her the coffee.

“Of course not! I wanted to make it realistic, after all.” I rolled my eyes. “I made a few other couples here as well. I created an entire neighborhood!”

“If this is anything like what I remember of this game, prepare for a whole lot of cheating.”

“What? Shining Armor would never—Wait, what’s he talking to Twilight about?” When I looked at the screen, I saw that some heart bubbles were coming out of an avatar with Twilight’s hair style. After a few seconds of talking, they started coming out of Shiny’s as well. “But… They’re siblings! That’s gross!”

“Yeah. Welcome to The Sims. To be fair, looks like you’re planning an affair as well.” Her avatar was very obviously flirting with a tall dude with green hair that… Fuck.

“I would never…! Ugh! This game is weird!”

“To be fair, you did ask me to fuck you a while back.”

“I was in heat! That’s different… Maybe this human character is, too?”

“Humans don’t have heat. You’re just being a slut.”

She hmphed and turned her head away from the screen. “I’m done with this! How do I turn it off?”

I pulled the laptop my way and hit escape and tracked down the quit button. Let me tell you, EA doesn’t like players quitting their games, because they didn’t make it easy. “Alright, so that was a bust. Let’s try something a little more my speed.”

“Better not be some dirty cheating simulator!” she growled as I hunted down Dead Space.

“Alright, now you’re just getting upset over nothing. It’s a game, not what would happen in real life. Now, you remember those movies we were watching earlier?”

“Oh Celestia… Yes. I don’t think I’ll ever forget those…”

“Then yeah, you’ll really love these games.” I got it open and pushed the laptop back in front of her. “I suggest drinking that coffee before you start. You’re not gonna want to look away from the screen much.”

She sighed, lifting the mug. “What did I get myself into?” she groaned.

Half an hour later, I had her screaming pony curses at the screen and spraying bullets at every little thing that moved. It was hilarious.

All things told, that night was really, really fun.

It’s a shame that it was almost ruined by the awful day that came after it.

Let me tell you, Shining Armor was quite surprised when he walked into the throne room and heard his wife screaming, “I’LL BUCKING KILL YOU!”

His eyes widened and he teleported right in front of us, looking around and summoning up a quick shield. “What the hay’s going on?!” he demanded when he saw no threats.

“That stupid… double hollow killed me again!” she shouted, pointing her hoof at the screen that rather emphatically showed ‘YOU DIED’ and a hollow walking away from her corpse.

“That’s Dark Souls for you,” I calmly said, patting her back. “What’s with the shield, Shiny? Nothing going on.”

“I thought… What’s… Never mind. So how was the night?” he asked, lowering his shield and getting out of his defensive stance.

“It was pretty rad,” I answered with a shrug. “That’s enough, Cadance.”

“But I want to kill that thing! This is the third time it’s killed me!”

“Cadance!” Shiny gasped. “Why are you so violent all of a sudden?”

“This game is so unfair!” she said by way of answer as I pulled the laptop away from her. “It’s just impossible!”

“That’s hardly true,” I answered. To prove the point, I cut my way to the thing that kept killing her and easily took it down, even with her shitty equipment. “You just need to get good, scrub.”

“Ugh! I’m done with your stupid human games!” Shiny and I both smirked as she sat there and pouted, allowing me to easily turn the game off.

“So do you know how things are going with the search?” Shining Armor asked me.

“Absolutely no clue,” I answered with a shrug, closing the laptop. “Haven’t seen Watcher or heard from any of his team. Hopefully that doesn’t mean he got incapacitated by a trap.”

“You should go look for him, then,” he said. “I’ll stay here. Maybe open a few of the hidden doors that Kat told me were in here.”

“If you do, be careful.” I stood, taking a second to gloriously stretch. “And if the armor gets in the way, just push it aside. I don’t think I’ll be needing it.”

“What about shoes?” Cadance asked. “I know how sensitive your little footsies are.”

“...Did you really just say that?” I asked in a deadpan voice.

“I’m tired and you just spent all night torturing me with your horrible human ideas of fun! It’s only fair that I can get some revenge.”

“Well, in this case, you’re right. This floor is ridiculously hard. I suppose a few more hours in that tin can won’t kill me…”

“Need help putting it on?” Shiny asked.

“Oh, you know you’d prefer to help me take it off,” I slyly commented, batting him with a wing before walking over to where I left it. When I looked back over there, Cadance was smiling darkly and Shiny was blushing up a storm. “I was joking. God. No, I don’t need help.” I started putting the armor on. “So how did you two stay awake before we got here?”

“We… had our ways,” Shiny said, looking away.

“Lots and lots of kinky sex,” Cadance answered, deadpan. When Shining Armor looked at her with complete shock on his face, she said, “What? This is Nav. He already knows what we do. No reason to hide it.”

“But… but to just say it like that?”

“Honey, I lived with him for months. Some of his bad habits rubbed off on me, I suppose. I thought you would have realized that by now.”

He sighed, looking away, but she stepped in front of him and kissed him, not letting him avoid her. I quickly got the rest of my armor on and let myself out, pausing only to grab the laptop. When I got to the door, I just had time to hear Cadance ask, “So you wouldn’t cheat on me with Twilight, would you?” before it closed, cutting off whatever horrified response he might have had.

With me finally free from the tyranny of watching over Cadance, I began searching the castle, searching for any signs of Watcher or the rest of his group.

It took me nearly an hour to find them. Thankfully, Shiny wakes up early, so it wasn’t that much of a problem. “How’s the search going?” I asked a rather tired looking Watcher. “And where’s Taya?”

“Sent her to bed,” he grunted. “And not well. We’ve searched half the palace with nothing important to show for it. This is starting to get irritating.”

“When was the last time you ate? Or took a break?”

“...I don’t remember, actually. Regroup!” His two squadmates stopped what they were doing and immediately walked over. Kat took a few seconds longer to realize she was included in that. “We need a break. We’ve been at this all night. Get some sleep, eat something, walk around, whatever. We’ll meet back here in one hour.”

“Yes sir,” his two squadmates immediately answered, probably extremely happy for a small respite. The two of them wasted no time in fucking right off.

“How’s the fair going?” Kat asked me before yawning.

“No clue. I was going to check on that after this. You should probably get some sleep, though.”

“Nah. My training is different from that of a guard, but still very effective in helping me stay awake. I’m tired, but good to go for a few more hours.”

“Eh, whatever. Watcher, you need anything before I go find Jak?”

“I don’t. Just tell him to hurry up. We need to find the big chambers in this place quickly. That would save us a lot of time.”

“Easy enough,” I answered. “I’ll see you both later.” That conversation concluded, I walked on over to the window they had set up and violently tossed myself out of it, since I really didn’t want to get lost while trying to find my way outside. Once I got in the air, it was but a short flight down to the bottom where Jak was still tirelessly working. Smiles, however, was very tiredly working. “How’s the device going?” I asked the minotaur.

“Well. I finally figured out the correct frequency. I began the looting process shortly after. Smiles has proven himself very useful in that regard. Wings move faster and allow for more areas to be accessed when hunting for specific items.” The ‘specific items’ he was talking about were a ton of different bells, as it turned out. They were all interconnected by various means and set up around the base of the palace. “Give me another half hour and I should be ready to set this thing off.”

“Excellent. You have any trouble with the crystal ponies?”

“Not them, no. But some lavender unicorn came up to me pitching some kinda fit about how I shouldn’t be taking up space needed for her crystal heart.” I swear to God, if she beat me to the fucking heart...

“How’d you deal with her?”

“By threatening her with a very large wrench. She decided to put the ugly heart somewhere else for the moment, at least until I use this thing.”

“Excellent. And I see this place is a lot more lively, too.” That was somewhat of an understatement. The girls had been very busy setting up the fair. The entire thing was finished and a large number of crystal ponies were already there, going to the various booths and activities that were set up. Several of them were eyeing us, but none could build up the courage to approach.

“Aye, ‘tis,” he answered. “As long as they don’t interrupt me, they can watch all they want.”

“Good. Whenever you get this thing ready, use it immediately, then find me or Watcher and give us the results.”

“Understood, forerunner.” I would say that he got back to work, but he actually never stopped while talking to me. So I just sort of walked away to get a better look at the fair.

It was definitely in full swing. And, to my somewhat horrified surprise, some of the crystal ponies actually looked like they were made of crystal! They shined and glittered as they moved, each wearing a smile on his or her face. It was a rather interesting sight.

My staring was interrupted by Doppel tapping on my leg. “Master, Pinkie wanted me to ask you something.”

“What did she want?” I sighed, knowing that if it was from Pinkie, it couldn’t be good.

“She wants to know if you can use the ship to play music over the city. She thinks it would be good for the crystal ponies to hear.”

“That’s… more reasonable than what I was expecting from her, actually. Alright, let’s head up to the ship. You’re DJing.”

“Why me? I don’t know anything about music!”

“It’s simple. You just say ‘stop’ if you want the music to stop. And then ‘play’ to make it start again. Then just make sure the laptop stays safe and you’ll be fine.”

“Hm… I was helping cheer them up in my own special way… But I suppose this’ll be easier. And I’m feeling pretty full anyway.”

I stopped myself from asking if she was full of lust or full of cum. “Well, let’s go then.” We both spread our wings and took off, flying up to the ship that was still in the same position. When we got there, I set the laptop up next to one of the masts and said, “Go get one of the cords to plug it in. I’ll set up a playlist for you.”

“Okay, master.” Off she went while I began finding music to throw in there.

That became a lot easier when I realized that ‘love songs’ was a search term. With that in mind, I created the list pretty much instantly and had it ready to go by the time Doppel got back. I took the cord and plugged the computer up, then started the songs up. “Think that’s loud enough?” I asked when they began.

“Hm… I don’t know.”

“Well, I don’t want to offend Slaanesh. Things shall get loud, now!” With that, I cranked it up to eleven. And then to ten, because my minor OCD kicked in. Now, as everyone knows, computers have two sound settings: Quiet and too loud. There’s a very fine and immediate distinction between the two that is easily found. I found it and music began blaring from the speakers. Given that we were several hundred feet up, I figured that was a good thing. “Now?” I yelled over the noise.

“Turn our speakers down!” she called back. I shrugged and did so, lowering the setting of the speakers that played the music onto the actual ship. “Yeah, that’s good,” she said with a nod. “And if anyone thinks it’s too loud, I’ll just seduce them so I don’t have to figure out how to turn it down.”

That’s Doppel, everybody. “Have fun with that. I’m heading back down there. If you need anything, I guess just send someone down to find me. Or have someone else watch over the computer and find me yourself.”

“Okay, master! Have fun at the fair!”

“Fun. Right. See you, Doppel.” I jumped off before she could answer, plummeting on down toward the ground.

Now, I didn’t particularly want to participate in any kind of fair. And to be honest, the ponies probably didn’t want me there that much either. I mean, I’m really weird to them since they didn’t know much about me. So instead of wandering around the booths that were set up, I just went back into the palace and on to the throne room, where Shiny was cuddling his wife. When I got there, I just found a nice place to sit and wait for Jak to set his device off.

It came right on his schedule, or close enough to it. There was silence for several minutes before a sudden and massively loud *CLANG* reverberated all through the halls, feeling like it was honestly shaking the entire castle from its foundations to the very top of the building.

Shining Armor immediately leaped away from his wife, looking all around. “What just happened?!” he blurted.

“Relax,” I quickly said as the shakes began subsiding. “I had my minotaur blacksmith working on a way to help us find hidden rooms easier. He told me he could build something that used sound to locate the hidden rooms. I have no idea how, but I’m sure it makes sense to him.”

“...I suppose the hollow rooms would echo, or something,” he slowly said. “But you should have warned me!”

“Yeah, probably. Sorry ‘bout that. I’m going to go see what he found out,” I said, jumping up and soaring out the window. When I got back down, there was a whole ring of ponies surrounding the base, all staring in wonder at what the minotaur had wrought. They were all easy enough to fly over, so that’s just what I did. “So it worked?” I asked Jak, landing next to him as he made some marks on a paper that I couldn’t see. Watcher and his team were already next to the minotaur, waiting in silence.

“Shhh.” He continued making marks as I stood there in silence, waiting for him to look up. About five minutes later, he did. “Yes, it worked. Judging by this, I’d say that the biggest cavity is… directly under the throne room.”

“For buck’s sake!” Watcher cursed, kicking the ground with a loud clop. “Alright, let’s go. Knew I should have listened to Kat…” He led his team back to one of the doors, moving rather quickly.

“Jak, get this device broken down. I don’t think we’ll need it again. Might as well give Twilight the space she wanted. I’ll be helping Watcher if you need me.”

“Understood. Smiles! Stop dozing off and help me break this thing apart.”

“Huh whuh? Yes sir!” I left them and hurried after Watcher’s squad, catching up to them as they took the stairs up.

“What kind of villain puts their greatest weakness right under them?” Watcher was griping. “I swear, doesn’t anyone ever have brains?”

“Hey, it might not actually be there,” I said. “We just think it’s there.”

“I’m almost positive it will be,” Watcher said.

When we got up to the throne room, we found Kumani, Shining Armor, and Cadance all there. “What in the world was that noise?” Kumani asked.

“The sound of this conflict hopefully being resolved,” I answered. “Watcher, if you would?”

He nodded and walked to the center of the room, his horn glowing an inky black and a purple haze appearing around his eyes and then his horn. When he got his evil spell powered up, he shot it at the throne. It seemed to scan the room, which revealed a large, dark stairway going down.

“Now we’re talking!” Shiny ecstatically said. “Let’s go!”

“No!” Watcher quickly said. “You stay here with your wife.”

“Yeah, Shiny,” I added. “Make sure she stays awake. But Watcher, we want to get this shit done quickly. If you, me, and Kumani go, we can easily just coast down that hole and skip the stairs entirely.”

“Excellent point, assuming she doesn’t mind carrying me.”

“Eh, ponies are light,” she answered with a shrug.

“What about me, sir?” Watcher’s pegasus asked.

“You two stay with Cadance and Shining Armor. We’re at the pivotal point, right now. If he has alarm traps anywhere, they’ll be down there. If it all goes bad, make sure they get out.”

“Yes sir,” they both immediately answered.

Kumani walked over to the unicorn, but I beat her there. “If we’re all going down there, I want my ring back,” I said. “I’d be much more comfortable with it than without it.”

“Yes sir,” Watcher replied. His horn lit up and then the ring appeared in the air next to him. “It was very useful against the traps. It’ll probably continue being useful as we go down.”

“Let’s find out,” I said with a smile, jumping down the center of the hole and spreading my wings enough to slow my fall. As soon as I got to the bottom, I slipped the ring on and stepped out of the way of the center, making room for Kumani. The only thing down there was a single fairly nondescript door. Without even bothering to check for traps, I just pulled my magic key out and plugged it into the door as Kumani landed behind me. I had it open before she could even set Watcher down.

“Any traps?” he asked me, walking up to the door.

“None that I know of,” I answered with a shrug. “Just a simple door. Easy enough to get around, when you have a key.”

“Then let’s keep moving. You’re the one with the ring, so go first.”

I shrugged and stepped into the very bright room. As soon as I got in there, my gaze seemed drawn up and up and up, farther than even my eyes could see. “Good God.”

“What’s in there?” Kumani asked from behind me.

“I don’t even… Jesus.” When I was able to pull my gaze from the massive height of the room, I saw more stairs to my immediate left. “Really? What the fuck is with this guy and fucking stairs?”

“More of them?” Watcher asked. “Good thing we left the others behind. That would take forever if we had to walk.”

“Yeah… It seems safe, though. Come on through.” The two of them joined me in the insanely huge room and both quickly joined me in looking up to the top of the spire leading up as far as we could see.

Watcher let out a low whistle as he looked up. “Quite a ways. Shall we get started?”

As an answer, I pulled my ring off and jumped into the air, soaring straight up. Kumani joined me in the air seconds later, Watcher grasped in her scaley claws. Together, we flew up to the top of the incredible height.

Even when flying, it took us a disturbing amount of time to get there. Watcher theorized that we were in some form of pocket dimension, because even with the deep chasm of the stairs going down that we found in the throne room, we shouldn’t have been able to go as high as we did to get to the top.

But get to the top we finally did, though we had to actually use the staircase to get to the very top, since the ceiling blocked part of our way. When we did, I think all three of us were pissed at what we saw.

“You mean we could have flown here the entire time?!” Kumani demanded, looking at all the windows leading right outside the palace. The three of us were at the very top of the tallest tower on the palace, overlooking the entire city. The room was a large circular one, with nothing but a few columns to block out the wind.

“We could have actually seen it from the fucking airship!” I shouted. That’s true. I could see the airship from where we were, including Doppel getting down and dirty with one of the crew members.

“All that bucking time wasted!” Watcher growled, glaring at the glowing blue heart suspended in air at the center of the chamber. He walked a few feet that way before immediately stopping in front of a black circle on the ground. “This is trapped. I barely felt it.”

“I can grab the fucking heart, then,” I said, slipping my ring on.

“No!” he quickly said, stopping me in my tracks. “This is a different kind of trap, I think. Not made to stop or hinder someone, but just to alert Sombra. Or at least, that’s what it looks and feels like.”

“Can you disarm it?”

“...Probably. If I can’t, we’ll just try having one of you fly over it and see if he has air sensors on as well. I know if you step on this thing or use magic while standing in it, he’d know immediately.”

“Well, get to work. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”

“Yes sir.” He began walking around the circle, his horn glowing.

“So what should we do?” Kumani asked, pulling me closer to her.

“Just be ready to move, I guess,” I answered with a shrug.

That didn’t stop her from lifting me up for a kiss, though. “We still need to talk about when you can give me orders, you know,” she whispered, one of her claws trailing down a wing, using its talons to dig into the feathers slightly and making me squirm in my armor.

“That’s something that c-can be done privately, I think,” I quickly answered, trying not to give away too much of how good that felt.

Thankfully, Watcher saved me. “I can’t do anything to this,” he said after a few circles around the trapped area. “It’s way, way beyond me and the quality of most of the rest of his work. If I had to guess, that dark circle was made out of some kind of strange crystal that increased its power greatly.”

“So we fly over it?” I asked, pushing myself away from my sexy dragon girlfriend.

“That’s my suggestion, yes,” he answered with a nod.

“Then that’s what I’ll do,” I said, taking my ring off.

“Why can’t I do it?” Kumani demanded. “I haven’t done anything this entire trip. And I’m resistant to magic anyway, so it should definitely be me.”

“Alright, go for it,” I said with a nod to the heart. “Fly over the circle, grab the heart, and get back here. Simple enough.”

And of course, it saved me from being put to unnecessary risk. She smiled sweetly and did just that, grabbing the heart with absolutely no problems and landing next to me. “Easy,” she said.

“Why wouldn’t he trap the air around it?” I rhetorically asked.

“If I had to guess,” Watcher said, “it’s because there are no pegasi in this kingdom. Or at least, none that I’ve seen. If any of his subjects tried to get the heart, they would have to walk over that circle. Why waste magic if you don’t have to?”

“Fair enough,” I answered. “I’ll carry the heart. Kumani, carry Watcher. Let’s take the express path, shall we?”

“I just want to forget about this stupid heart,” Kumani muttered, handing it to me so she could grab Watcher. “Can’t believe we wasted all that time!”

“Consider it a learning exercise,” I replied, walking over to the edge. “That is one hell of a drop. Lead the way, Kumani.”

“With pleasure.” She carried Watcher over and jumped off, majestically soaring down.

I took a second to look around the room behind me before a sound caught my attention, a sound coming from the stairs. That somewhat worried me and I almost jumped off to avoid whatever trouble might be coming up, but Flo whispered, “That sounds familiar.” At her reassurance, I waited.

There was no way I could have possibly expected what appeared: Twilight and Spike, shooting out of the stairwell and then collapsing to the ground. “Huh.”

“Whoa,” Spike groaned, sitting up and rubbing at his head. “Where… Nav?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Is that…?” he asked, eyeing the heart.

“Yep. See you at the bottom.”

The last thing I heard as I jumped from the top was Twilight screaming, “NAVAROOOOOONE!”

I fucking laughed the entire way down. Hell, I was still laughing when I touched down next to Kumani and Watcher at the base of the palace. “What’s so funny?” Kumani asked. “And what took you so long?”

“I’ll tell you later,” I answered, pulling myself together. “So Watcher, what do we do with this damn thing?”

“You’re the one that read the history book. I was just looking for it.”

“Oh yeah.” Thankfully, I quickly remembered what we were supposed to do, and looked to the center of the area under the palace, where a very nervous looking Applejack was standing guard next to a covered object.

When I started walking up to her, her eyes went wide. “N-nothin’ to see here, Nav!” she quickly spouted, obviously lying and doing her best to hide whatever was under the cover.

“Then get that ‘nothing’ out of my way. I need to place the crystal heart there.”

“The… you found it? I thought Twilight was looking for it!”

“I beat her to it,” I replied, holding the heart up. “So if you would…”

“Right!” She started pushing the obviously heavy object out of my way, making room for the very impressive looking heart. I carefully positioned it right at the center of the tower before letting it go, ready to catch it in case it fell. Thank God, it held, and two crystal spikes appeared from below and above the heart to hold it in place. Everyone around me breathed a sigh of relief. “So now what?” Applejack asked.

“Now we get Cadance down here to blast it with love magic,” I said, smiling at how easy that was.

“I uh… don’t think that’s gonna happen,” AJ said, going from happy to pale and afraid almost instantly.

“Why not? Shouldn’t be that hard.” Instead of answering with words, she pointed to our right, where her face was directed. I turned that way to witness the flickering shield collapse, allowing the massive form of King Sombra complete access to the kingdom. “Oh fuck me…”

We weren’t the only ones that noticed, either. Sombra, of course, started surging into the kingdom as soon as he could. Since everything he touched immediately became corrupted into a dark version of the original, the crystal ponies were also very quick to notice. They began panicking as their lord came for them once more. I think all of my team noticed.

With the shield down, Cadance was obviously unconscious, so she would be of no use. Watcher was likely weak from staying up all night and Shining Armor would be too worried about getting Cadance to safety to be of much use. And of course, nothing else could fight that monster but me anyway, not unless they had the ring on.

So I did the only thing I could do: Slip the ring on and start running toward him. As I’m sure it should be obvious, Kumani and Watcher did not quite like that reaction and both began running after me. By the time they caught up to me, though, I was already at the evil cloud. “I challenge thee, Sombra!” I yelled up to where his head was laughing madly. “A duel of honor!”

“What need have we of honor, ape?” he growled, another pair of eyes and a mouth appearing in front of me. Thankfully, he stopped his rampage. “We own this city once again! Submit or thou will be forced to submit!”

“You know you’re better than that! I will not go down without a fight, Sombra! So fight me one on one. A duel, as I said.”

“Nay. We have nothing to gain from fighting thee.” His eyes disappeared from their position before me.

“Oh, afraid of fighting me without being able to use that dragon dick you keep on your forehead?” I yelled, hoping that publicly mocking him would get him to stop.

“Oh, we are sure thou art well acquainted with the phalluses of dragons! Little else would satisfy thy gape, we imagine.”

Pinkie appeared out of fucking nowhere. “Oooooh! You gonna take that, Nav?”

Truth be told, I was too stunned to answer. Holy shit, I just got fucking served. “Of course the ape will take it!” Sombra answered. “We imagine he does little else with his time than bend over for his dragon masters.”

Thankfully, what he said gave me the reply I needed. “Psh. You can’t talk to me about dragon masters! I saw your collection of dragon boners in your vault! I bet you got plenty of use out of those in your spare time, didn’t you?”

“Thou knowest nothing of our fights against the dragons of olden times!”

“Oh, I read your history books! How you forced your country to bend over and take it from behind from all the dragons. I bet just seeing Kumani here makes you quiver in your cloud. You probably couldn’t even fight me if you tried, after all the cowardly stunts you pulled in your time.”

“Thou wilt eat those words!” he hissed, shrinking in size and changing his shape until he appeared before me as an extremely angry pony about the size of Shining Armor. “We accept thy challenge, ape! If ‘tis an honor duel thou wants, ‘tis an honor duel thou wilt get!” One of his front hooves slammed down, propelling everyone around us away, sending them tumbling away until a clear ring was around us. “One against one, pony against pony. No magic, no weapons, no armor! What dost thou say?”

“Agreed.” No armor and no weapons did tip the scale rather heavily in his favor, but I wasn’t there to win. I was there to hopefully distract him long enough for either everyone to get away or for someone else to do something to help me kill him. So I slowly began pulling off weapons and armor, doing my best to delay as long as possible.

Nothing came from those initial delaying tactics. “Thou art small and weak, ape,” Sombra said with a smirk. “Thy armor is quite misleading. This shall be over quickly.”

“Underestimating me is the cause of death of most of my opponents, Sombra,” I answered, casually popping my neck. “Art thou ready for a royal ass whooping?”

“It will be amusing to beat an enemy mostly to death in front of our subjects. Public displays of strength always remind the peasants why we are king.”

After cracking my knuckles and surreptitiously making sure my ring was there, I lifted my arms in a basic boxing stance. Right when I got ready to start the fight, one certain song started playing over the ship’s speakers, one song that I never, ever wanted to hear again. “We’re no strangers to love…” Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!

Sombra smiled at the fixed rictus of rage my face was in. “Dost thou finally fear for thine life, ape? If thou givest up, we’ll make it quick.”

“Bring it, bitch,” I growled, absolutely pissed to be fighting a battle while getting Rickroll’d.

“Consider it brought,” he growled before pouncing at me. I easily dodged and almost tried for an attack before I realized he caught himself and was waiting for me to do something. So instead of getting countered, I began circling. He realized that I knew and began circling as well. “Ruling again will be nice,” he said, looking for any signs of weakness. “Spending a thousand years under the ice has left us feeling particularly vindictive.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have been such a fucking dick.”

“Again, thou speakest of—” I rushed him, going for a kick. He lifted both hooves and caught my leg. He grinned and used his considerable strength to throw my leg up, hoping to catch me off balance. Instead, I used my wings to push off and do a really awkward and disorienting backflip that barely left the ground since I was wearing the ring. “Ah, so thou art flexible! That will endear thee to those we grant use of thee.”

“I’ve been down that road before, you sick—” I jumped in again, slamming my fist against his snout. His eyes flashed in anger as he dodged back from my follow up attack before jumping back in and going for a gore attack with his horn. I barely dodged away from it and brought my right hand down to do a fisted chop at the side of his throat, which probably didn’t really hurt that much and did little more than serve to help me disengage.

He snorted as we started circling again, a few drops of black blood shooting from his nose. “Thou wilt pay for that.”

“Only if you win, you st—” He took a page from my book and jumped in for another goring attack that I jumped back for, then slammed my knee up to catch him in the face he had lowered to the perfect height. It jerked his head up as I recovered, bringing my right hand around for a hook to his jaw.

It connected perfectly, but I think he had enough pure rage in his system to ignore the pain almost completely, as he caught my right hand with his right hoof and held me in place as he essentially backhanded me with his left hoof, sending me reeling back as he let me go.

“That is but the start of the pain thou shalt soon feel, ape,” he spat, blood dripping from his mouth and nose.

I recovered quickly, knowing my life was on the line. Some of my teeth felt rather loose and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was also bleeding, but I chuckled darkly and got back into a fighting stance. “Enough talk, then. Have at thee!”

He seemed to agree with the sentiment, and no more banter was aired as we continued to circle. He made the first move, pouncing forward with his left shoulder, trying to tackle me instead of pounce at me. I jumped to the side and kicked up as he passed, hitting him right in the stomach and hurting the shit out of my foot, since I didn’t have any kind of shoes on.

It seemed to hurt him more, but we both recovered at about the same time. By then, though, I was already jumping at him for a somewhat wild haymaker, going for the back of his head. Since he turned around, it whizzed right past him and left me open for him to slash my side with his horn.

That stung like a bitch, but it wasn’t nearly enough to get me to stop. I backed off again, but he pressed what he thought was his advantage, rearing back and thrusting both of his legs forward.

...I didn’t think he would actually be that stupid. I backed off quickly and waited for him to start falling back down to jump forward and catch him right in the jaw again with a vicious uppercut, then used my other arm to punch him on the top of the snout, forcing his head back down.

With those two hits, the trickle of blood from his mouth became a flow, presumably since he bit deeply into his tongue. But he still recovered very quickly, despite me trying for a third attack, and managed to completely tank the last punch I had for him, instead tackling me and finally getting me on the ground.

There, I knew it was just a matter of time before things got really ugly for me. It started with him bleeding his disgusting blood all over me and he started to rain blows down at my head. I dodged the first three, but he caught on and did a side sweep instead of a straight punch, jamming my ear against my head and making both ears ring.

I wasn’t about to take that shit longer than necessary, so I slammed both hands against the side of his head, hitting his eyes. He grunted in pain, splattering more blood against me, and tried swinging at me again. In response, I started trying to gouge his fucking eyes with my thumbs.

To get away from being blinded, he rolled off me and hopped to his feet as I tried to recover. Before I could, he reared up to slam both hooves down. Seeing the attack coming, I rolled toward him, letting him harmlessly miss me and putting me directly under his body.

I took advantage of that by punching where no man should ever punch. Man, I thought he was angry before… He was positively howling in rage after I punched him in the balls.

Since he was probably about to go down in pain, I pulled myself out from under him, quickly standing to my feet. “Oh yeah, look at ya! You were poppin’ all that good shit just a second ago!” I shouted to his extremely pained face.

Most people have problems with attacking a downed or really hurt opponent. I am not most people. So while he was clutching at himself, I raised my fist to punch him yet again. However, my fist didn’t have the chance to connect; as soon as it got to him, he exploded into his cloud form. “ENOUGH! THOU SHALT PAY FOR THY INSOLENCE, APE!”

“You said no magic!” I shouted, backing away.

“And thou said ‘twould be a duel of honor!” A tendril of his cloud shot out toward my armor, grabbing my sword. “There is no honor in striking a stallion there!” He drew my sword and brought it toward me, glaring. “And thou shalt pay!”

Despite him saying he wanted me alive for Flo, I was actually extremely worried as the blade dove toward me. But before I could dodge or try begging for my life, a huge explosion from behind caught both of our attentions.

The sword dropped from his magical grasp as we realized what was happening. “No! NO! WE WILL NOT LOSE!” He tried grasping me with his magic as the waves of pure love or whatever from the crystal heart overwhelmed the two of us, completely cracking through the dark barrier he had erected around us. Wherever the blue field of magic hit his cloud of darkness, it utterly destroyed it, sending the evil king reeling in horror. He couldn’t flee fast enough, however, and soon there was nothing left of that old bastard but a bad memory.

“Holy shit, I actually won,” I whispered to myself when he was gone, falling to my knees in surprise.

“I don’t know about win,” Flo whispered, “but you survived.”

Before I could answer her, Kumani appeared at my side, lifting me into a massive hug. “You did it!” she shouted. While she was holding me, I realized that she had the same crystalline appearance that some of the ponies from before had.

“What… happened?” I asked, struggling to catch my breath from the surprise victory.

“That purple unicorn organized all the ponies and they were all cheering you on, watching as you beat that unicorn’s ass. When they all saw you winning, they seemed to pick up in hope. And then the purple mare pointed out that the crystal heart was there and they all just bowed to it, immediately becoming crystal! Then… some kind of explosion,” she answered. When she finished with that explanation, she pulled me away from her, still smiling. “Now don’t you ever do that again!”

“No promises. But trust me, I’m not in a hurry to do anything like that again.” Of course, her setting me down opened me up for getting hugged by pretty much everyone else as they all got to me.

“You did it!” Pinkie shouted, the first to reach me and drag me down to her level. Normally, mares are all warm and soft, but since she was made of crystal, she was hard and very ungiving.

“Am I the only one not made of that crystal shit?” I asked, looking down at one of my arms to make sure.

“You’re the only one wearing that ring,” Twilight said by way of answer, commandeering Pinkie’s place in hugging me. “And we did it, Nav! Though… I have to apologize… I was under a lot of stress with the princess and everything that’s happened and… I’m sorry.”

“And I was a lot more rude than I should have been,” I answered, patting her on the back. “I’m sorry as well. Twilight, we need to stop being dicks to each other.”

“...I know, Nav. I’ll try if you will.”

“Of course. Now let go. Your body is hard as rock.” She chuckled and let me go, allowing someone else to try hugging me. I quickly back stepped, denying Rainbow Dash her chance. “Try again when you aren’t made of rock,” I said, standing next to Kumani. “I’m going to go find out what the fuck happened to Cadance. Twilight, can you take care of cleaning up this mess out here?”

“Of course, Nav. But you better come and get me if she’s hurt!”

“I wouldn’t keep you in the dark. Come on, Kumani.” I pulled the ring off and took to the air once more, flying toward the palace. The crystal ponies cheered as I flew over them, happy to see their savior or whatever they considered me in action. I easily ignored it, not really wanting to hear their bullshit, and just flew up to the windows to the throne room.

In there, Cadance was collapsed on the ground with snores as loud as a morbidly obese man’s horrid farts erupting from her mouth. Shining Armor was wearing the amulet I gave him, his horn glowing a dark red as he prepared to act. The two night guards were next to Cadance, ready to lift her at a moment’s notice.

“What the hell happened?” I asked as I landed.

Shiny breathed a sigh of relief when he saw me. “She just collapsed!” he answered. “I don’t know why and I couldn’t even wake her up with magic!”

“...Did you make her more coffee?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“No, of course not. I don’t know how. No pony here does.”

Ooooh… I bet she crashed. Too much caffeine and then not enough. Ouch. “Well, Sombra’s deader than hell, so she can get her sleep.”

“I suspected as much, from the shiny appearance everypony got. What happened?”

“We found the heart, got it set up, then the shield broke down. I challenged him to a duel, kicked his ass, then Twilight got the crystal ponies organized enough to activate the heart and deep six that bastard.”

“So it’s over,” he sighed, his horn losing its red glow.

However, he made no attempts to remove the amulet. “Shiny, take that thing off.”

“Hm? Oh, sure.” He casually pulled it off and tossed it to me before walking over to his wife, kneeling down next to her.

“That’s weird,” Kumani said as I stared at him in wonder. “Isn’t that thing addicting and hard to take off?”

“...It’s supposed to be,” I replied, watching Shining Armor gently lift his wife and put her onto his back.

“I’m going to go find her a bed,” he announced and started walking off.

“Go with him,” I told the two night guards. “Stay with Cadance and make sure she stays safe.”

“Yes sir,” they both sighed, sounding rather tired.

“I’ll try to send a squad to relieve you when I can. I know you two are tired.”

“Thank you, sir,” one of them said as they started following Shining Armor.

When the four of them were out of the throne room, I slid the amulet in my pocket and just let out one long sigh of relief.

“So now what?” Kumani asked me.

“Now… Now the real work begins,” I answered. Where oh where would an elemental be hiding?

Chapter Ninety-Six—Down the Rabbit Hole

Chapter Ninety-Six—Down the Rabbit Hole

As much as I wanted to immediately begin the search—which wouldn’t be as much of a search as it would be going right where Flo told me to go—there was too much to be done in the kingdom proper. All of my team was exhausted. Cadance was out for the count, Shiny didn’t know how to run a kingdom, and Twilight and her friends were busy trying to clean up the mess of the fair and Sombra’s attack. Sadly, it fell upon me to assist Shining Armor in helping the place recover that first, hectic day.

It was boring as all hell. And worse, it continued all night. As it turns out, turning back into their shitty crystal forms gave all the ponies in the city their memories back, meaning each of them needed to start working again. Which really sucked, since we had all of the gold. Watcher was very correct when he said that the gold would have to be returned to kickstart the economy.

I don’t even want to bore myself by writing down the details of what we had to do. Frankly, it was absurd and it took way too long.

The next morning, however, I was dragged into a room with Shining Armor and Cadance, who was feeling considerably better after a lot of sleep and a few hot meals. The three of us were in one of the many sitting rooms through the palace, with them on one couch to hold each other and me on another. Taya wanted to come along, since she was pretty upset about me fighting Sombra without her, but I was able to distract her. Kumani was helping someone with something, so she wasn’t a problem.

“So you owe us an explanation of sorts,” Cadance said, sipping some rather hot (decaffeinated) tea. “I believe you said you would tell us why you were here after the crisis.”

“I… did agree to that,” I slowly said. “But I hardly think I owe you anything.”

“You know what she meant, Nav,” Shiny said, smirking.

“Yeah, yeah… To make it simple, there is a being of great power imprisoned somewhere under the ice near here. I want to break it out. I have reason to believe that Sombra was attempting to do the same thing, but turned evil somewhere during the process.”

“...What kind of being?” Cadance asked after a few seconds. “Is it dangerous?”

“It has great power,” I answered. “Of course it’s dangerous. However, it shouldn’t attack us without a good reason. I have a feeling that it’ll be pleased to be released.”

“So what kind of being, Nav?” Shiny reasked.

“It’s… a really hard explanation. You know how Celestia covered up some parts of the past? Hiding history and things like that?”

“...That does make sense,” Cadance said. Shiny just nodded.

“There was a being that ruled before she did called Discord. However, some time long, long before he ruled, there were other things called elementals that ruled. Discord imprisoned some of them and killed the others. One of them that he imprisoned is under the ice here. I’m going to break it out.”

“How do you know it’s there?” Shiny asked.

“And why are you releasing it?” Cadance asked.

“Because Discord is free once again and Celestia refuses to believe it. We need some way of taking him down. I’m hoping the elementals can help. As to how I know it’s there… I have my sources.”

“Which are?” Shiny pressed.

“Confidential,” I answered.

“I don’t like it,” he muttered, leaning back. “But… you’ve proven yourself a friend, Nav. You’re reliable and we can trust you.” Not like he could have stopped me, of course. “Will you need anything from us to help you?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I replied. “I haven’t been able to do any kind of looking yet. I’ll probably need a guide and I might need someone that’s an expert at mining, but I’ll wait until I can actually do some scouting to say for certain. Oh, and I’ll definitely not want Twilight or any of her friends to find out what I’m doing. Celestia can’t know about this.”

“That might be difficult,” Cadance said. “You know they all wanted an explanation. And they also really, really want to know what happened with Luna.”

“That sure is a shame,” I said with a smile. “I’m sure the two of you can find ways to keep them busy and away from me until they leave.”

“Didn’t you promise them an explanation?” Shining Armor asked.

“Yeah, but you should know by now that I’m a fucking liar. There’s a reason I left in the middle of the night without telling any of them anything.”

“That won’t work,” Cadance said with a sad smile, shaking her head. “You know those girls, Nav. They’ll hound you day and night despite whatever task we find for them.”

“Is there any way you can get them to leave, then?” I asked. “I mean, their job is done anyway. Don’t most of them have jobs?”

The two of them shared a short, pained look before turning back to me. Shining Armor said, “Unfortunately…” He stopped, unable or unwilling to continue.

Cadance took up whatever he was saying. “...Princess Celestia sent them a letter telling them to stay here for two weeks to help around the kingdom.”

“We couldn’t make them leave if we wanted to,” Shining Armor finished. “I’m sorry, Nav, but they’re here to stay.”

Fuck. Celestia outplayed me again! “Then I’ll just have to do what I’m good at: Lie through my fucking teeth. As long as I’m wearing the ring, there’s no way they can know.”

They both face-hooved. When they recovered from it, Cadance gently said, “Nav, I know you’re… different when it comes to friendships, but even you have to admit defeat sometimes. Telling them the truth would be so, so much better!”

“I agree. But again, I can’t risk Celestia knowing. What do you think she would do if she found out that I was helping beings of great power that used to rule the planet? I don’t want to risk her trying to stop me. And you just know that Twilight would tell Celestia as soon as I told any of them a word. Yeah, honesty’s the best policy here, but it’s not a policy I can currently take.”

“...What can she really do?” Shining Armor asked. “Unless she actually attacks your ship, can Celestia actually make you stop?”

“I want to be able to go back to Equestria one day and not be an international criminal wanted for a number of crimes I didn’t commit. Sure, there’s not much she can do to me directly, but there’s plenty she can do to me. Without me there to defend myself and while needing a scapegoat to take attention away from what happened with Luna, don’t you think she might be willing to go a little far?”

“We can personally assure that won’t happen,” Cadance fiercely said. “I’m a princess and Shining Armor is her guard captain. She’s powerful, but there’s only so much she can do if she has many ponies working against her. You need to tell them the truth, Nav. Trust me when I say that the two of us will protect you from anything Celestia might try to do.”

That really, really wasn’t an assurance that I wanted to take… “Listen to them,” Flo whispered. “They’ll help you, Nav. If you can’t trust them, trust me.”

“Fuck me for being a fool,” I sighed, my wings drooping. “Fine. Though God knows it’s stupid. But I want at least one of you there when I tell them! I have a bad feeling I know what their reactions will be and honestly, I don’t want to deal with it.”

“We can do that,” Cadance said, smiling widely. “Shining Armor, dear, would you mind fetching them? I think the crystal ponies can survive without us all for an hour or two.”

“Of course, honey. Shouldn’t take me too long to find them… Don’t you talk about me, now!”

“We would never do that,” I said, smirking as he stood up. “She definitely didn’t tell me how much you liked wearing her clothes when no one else is around.”

A large blush instantly crept across his face and I knew I scored a goal. “Cadance! You said you wouldn’t tell anypony!”

“I didn’t, dear. He just guessed.”

“You’re way too easy, Shiny,” I said, chuckling.

“Very funny,” he forced out through gritted teeth before stomping out.

When the door closed behind him, the two of us took a second to laugh at his suffering before I said, “You do have pictures of that, right?”

“Oh, of course! But you know I can’t show you. He’d be so upset! Besides, they’re all at Canterlot. I’m sure after your… ahem, escapades with that Braeburn fellow, you’re quite a bit more interested in feminine stallions.”

“Eh, I just like making Shiny squirm. It’s always funny. Speaking of that, I have a question, if you don’t mind answering something that might be awkward.”

“By all means, ask! With as much as we owe you, I can put up with some awkwardness.”

“Alright… Luna’s party, the rave thing. Why were you stripping?”

She made the unfortunate mistake of trying to take a sip of her tea as I asked that. When it clicked in her mind what I said, that tea she was drinking spewed everywhere, thankfully mostly missing me.

“I-I’m sorry?” she quickly said, somewhat confused.

“It’s a fairly simple question. Why were you dancing erotically at that party?”

“Oooh! I told them not to tell anypony!”

“You know you can tell me anything, Cadance. If you and Shining Armor are having problems, I might be able to help.”

“No no no! It’s nothing like that, Nav!” She sighed, setting her teacup down and dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. “It’s… embarrassing, though. Luna used me, essentially. The two of us never had a very… friendly relationship, ever since she got back from the moon. I mean, I can understand. She got back after so long to find another princess in her place. She probably felt like I was some sort of replacement, even though nothing could have been further from the truth. But anyway, I’d been trying for a long time to befriend her or try to talk more to her, but she always rebuffed my efforts. I figured if I could get the two of you together…”

“She might give you more attention,” I said. “But what did that have to do with the party?”

“Oh, almost nothing. That’s just history. I gave up on that way before then, when you explained just why you didn’t want to be with her. While we’re on that subject… Nav, I’m really sorry for trying to get you back together with Luna. Or with her at all! If I knew… Or if you told me, I never would have even tried!”

“Water under the bridge,” I replied, waving a hand. “Keep going.”

“Well… Even despite what she did to you, I still wanted to at least be able to talk to her more easily. So when I found out she was throwing that party, I volunteered to do anything she needed. She told me that she had a job perfect for somepony with my… ugh, qualifications. I thought she meant I would be helping ponies with love problems! Then she made me a buckin’ stripper!”

“Why didn’t you tell her to go to hell?” I asked.

She sighed, looking down at her teacup. “Because I’m naive, I guess. I thought it would make her like me. Or, you know, at least make her happy. She… didn’t even remember I was there. And then I found out what she tried to do to you at the party and… Well, I stopped wanting her to like me.”

“Better late than never, I guess. I hope you at least smacked that bitch around a few times.”

“I didn’t need to, Nav. The only thing stopping her from life in prison without parole is you not being there to prosecute her. Even then, she’s going to be there for a good while.”

“Good. Maybe that’ll teach her not to be such a fucking insane bitch. What about Celestia? Didn’t she get in trouble for covering things up?”

“Captain Blossom wasn’t as interested in pressing the case against Celestia. Shining Armor wanted to, though, and he was making headway before we were sent here. But really… even with evidence of her guilt, can you imagine anypony actually locking the Princess Celestia in jail?”

“Eh. I don’t really care. I’m certainly not planning on going back to Equestria to live there. I got places I’m welcome all across the world that aren’t Equestria, so whatever happens there isn’t my problem.”

“Oh, but it is! You’ll be forever remembered as the alien that heralded an entire regime change, Nav. Some will love you. Some will hate you. But don’t think it won’t be your problem.”

“...Shit. Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m not planning on making any stops in Equestria for a while, so I shouldn’t run into any immediate consequences.”

“That’s a more appropriate answer, I suppose. But this is a depressing topic. I have much happier news!”

“Oh boy. You pregnant again?”

“No! Thankfully… But Shining Armor and I got to talking and… we decided we want you to be Skyla’s godfather!”

“...Did the two of you decide this when you were high? Or maybe when you both had no sleep for weeks? Because Skyla hates me, if you’ll recall.”

“Oh, that’s just you being paranoid! You know she likes you deep down, Nav.” I just gave her a flat stare. “Deep, deep down.” One of my eyebrows lifted. “Very well hidden. Come on, Nav! This would make the two of us feel so much better!”

“As… stupid as I think it is, I agree. But only on the condition that you watch over Taya if something happens to me.”

She clopped her front two hooves together, smiling widely. “I knew you’d agree! And of course we’ll be Taya’s godparents.”

“Well, at least that’s one thing off my mind,” I sighed. “So when’s Skyla even going to get here? I know Shiny said he’d see about getting her sent up as soon as possible.”

“We sent a letter to Celestia through Spike already. Skyla should be heading up on the next train, along with a large amount of supplies. Hopefully she’ll be here in a few days.”

“And until then, you can have all the freaky-deaky horse sex with Shiny that you want. Enjoy it while you can.”

“Trust me, we’ll certainly take advantage of it.”

Before I could answer, the door barged open and suddenly Pinkie! “Nav!” She jumped across the entire room to land on the couch next to me before immediately cuddling against me. “Did you miss me? Huh, huh? I’m soooo glad you kept your promise! Now I just need to throw you a not-so-long lost friend party!”

“Later,” Twilight answered, stepping into the room at a more subdued pace. She looked quite exhausted, though she was well used to spending late nights up studying.

“Yeah!” Dash yelled. “He promised to explain why he abandoned us and no pony is leaving this room until he does!”

“I’m not quite sure about that,” Rarity said, stepping in behind Twilight and under the flying Dash.

“Yeah,” Applejack said, entering as well. “Ain’t no way he’ll tell us the truth. I think we all know him that well by now.”

“He will,” Fluttershy quietly said, entering last. “If… it isn’t a problem, of course…”

“Found them,” Shining Armor said, herding them all further into the room so he could pull the doors shut.

Cadance was rather amused by the varied responses the girls had and said, “Everypony, please sit and make yourselves at home.” Rainbow Dash plopped down on my other side, making sure that between her and Pinkie, I had no chance of getting away. The others took up various places around the room. “We’ll have time for Navarone to tell us what he’s been up to later. First, I would like a basic progress report of how everything is going in the city.”

“Just fine, Princess Cadance,” Twilight said. “The fair is fully cleaned up, as is most of the damage Sombra did. A lot of it disappeared when he did, thankfully. Morale seems fairly high and with some of the gold getting spread back into the public, everypony seems to be getting back to work. I would like to note that I’ve seen many formal requests to meet with Navarone, however. He’s the hero of the city and he can’t hide in the castle forever.”

“Like hell I can’t,” I snorted, earning me a few glares. “I get stared at enough. I’m not interested in any more.”

“We’ll see what we can do,” Cadance said. “You’ll have to at least make a public appearance, but it probably won’t have to be very long. Banquet, maybe? Who’s in charge of the food supplies?”

“Me,” Applejack said. “I uh… I don’t suggest a banquet, Princess. Sombra didn’t seem to think that much of feeding his ponies. In fact, you should probably ask Princess Celestia if she can get that train to go faster.”

“That bad?” Cadance asked, flinching slightly.

“‘Fraid so, Princess. The good news is that the crystal ponies were used to it, I guess. They won’t be too upset to wait another few days, I don’t reckon.”

“Well that’s a blessing, I suppose… What about a formal holiday and a public meet and greet? I want everypony to meet me anyway, so I think that would be a good idea.”

“Do you happen to have a dress ready?” Rarity asked. “You simply wouldn’t want your subjects to meet you without something that tells them you mean business!”

“If you can look up public customs and traditions, I’d be very thankful if you made me a dress, Rarity,” Cadance tactfully said. “I trust in your judgment. And of course, you can plan the event, Pinkie. Make it tomorrow, if you can.”

“No problemo, Princess!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing in her seat.

“It would be my pleasure,” Rarity added, somehow bowing in her seat. I had no idea how the hell she was going to make a dress that quickly, but Rarity rarely disappoints when it comes to clothing.

“And of course, Shining Armor, how is public safety looking?”

“It’s doing great, Cadance. Nopony has spotted anything from the wastes coming in and nopony has reported any kind of problems at all. I’ll still want to see about getting a few guards trained, but we might not even need them.”

“Better safe than sorry,” Cadance said with a nod. “Navarone, what about you and your team? If we do need anything, will you be able to help us?”

“Watcher assures me that his men are well-rested and able to assist however they’re needed. I know some are already doing what they can in the city. And my less conventional troops also stand ready. I know the naga is quite displeased at having nothing to do for so long.”

“No offense to him, but I hope it stays that way,” Cadance sighed. “I believe that’s everything. Now, by all means, begin pestering Navarone. I’m quite interested in a few things, myself.”

Dash was the first to say anything. “Why the buck did you leave like that?!”

“I don’t like goodbyes,” I answered with a shrug.

“We were worried sick!” she exclaimed.

“I left a note!”

“A note that didn’t say anything important! Like where you were going, when you’d get back, who you were going with… It’s like you didn’t want anyone to find you!”

“...I didn’t.”

“And why not?” Twilight asked.

I sighed, leaning back and trying to decide what to do. After a few seconds of thinking, I nodded. “Alright, I’m going to do something I absolutely hate doing. It’ll hurt and it might take a while, so bear with me. You’re about to hear the whole truth, or at least a lot of it.” Applejack snorted, but the others all seemed interested. “It’s a long, painful tale. Don’t interrupt, don’t ask questions until I’m done, and for the love of God, don’t give me pity. If someone does any of the above, I’ll stop telling the story right then. Alright?” They all nodded and agreed. “It all started a few years ago…”

And so it was that I told the whole story of my involvement with Luna, Flo, Discord, and everything else that led up to me leaving Equestria. Even my relatively abridged version took well over an hour to tell.

I don’t want to talk about the reactions, which were almost exactly what I expected. Given that I just implicated three of them in technical rape, the reactions were definitely rather unpleasant. Not anger at me, of course. No, all I got was that emotion that I absolutely despise: Pity. That, of course, pissed me off.

None of them stopped me when I excused myself from the room shortly after my tale was told. Honestly, I was surprised that they gave Shining Armor the task of following me. “So… how do you feel?” he awkwardly asked when he managed to track me down.

“Just fine,” I answered with a shrug. “But I didn’t want to be in a room full of emotional women.”

“Want to talk about any of it?”

“Nah, no need to. I’m already too dead on the inside to save. What about you? Didn’t Twilight sort of rape me?”

“That depends on how the law is interpreted or prosecuted. It’s certainly possible for her to be arrested and jailed for what she did. Same for her two friends, but that was more definitely illegal. I leave it up to you, Navarone. If you want to press charges… I’ll help you.”

“I don’t. They learned their lesson. Luna didn’t. Now, I want to get started finding that elemental. No more distractions.”

“Alright, Nav,” he said with a nod. “I’ll tell everypony you had some work to do. I’m sure they’ll understand.”

No they won’t. They’ll probably take that for ‘He went to go brood. Go comfort him.’ “Thanks. I’ll send some people back if we need anything.”

“Good luck, then. And for the record… I’d rather be with you than stay here.”

“Noted. Have fun being a king.”

“Ugh… If yesterday was any indication, I know why Celestia turned so evil…”

“Not evil, no. Just apathetic. But remember that you have a wife you can take your stress out on by pretending she’s a piece of meat and just tenderizing her.”

The small smile he had slowly disappeared as that processed. “...Is that a sex joke or a wife abuse joke?”

“Take it how you want. I’m gonna bail. See you later.”

“Yeah…”

Since I still didn’t quite know my way around the palace yet and I didn’t want to spend a lot of time searching, I just jumped from the nearest window and flew up to our ship, still parked in the same relative spot. Of course, most of my crew was on the ground doing whatever they could to help, but there were still a few ponies on the deck. “What’s going on, sir?” one of the soldiers asked.

“I want everyone but the naga and the two changelings back on board in an hour,” I told them all. “Spread out into the city and find your comrades and get them back here. If you can’t find everyone, don’t worry too much; I have a feeling that we’ll be back here soon enough.”

“Yes sir!” all three said, saluting. They held it for a second before the unicorn and the earth pony went to the ladder and the pegasus soared off.

“What about us?” one of the actual crewmembers asked.

“Prep the ship to go, I guess. I don’t know what that entails.”

“There’s really nothing to it,” the guy said. “We just remove the anchor spell and we’re set. And we can’t do that until the others get here.”

“Then one of you go help the guards find the crew. I don’t want to leave this place without at least five of the actual crew and three of the squads.”

“You got it,” the other crewmember of the pair said, hopping to her feet. “I wanted to see more of the city anyway.”

“And me?” the last crewmember asked.

“Watch the ship,” I answered with a shrug, walking over to the side. “I don’t expect anything to happen, but why risk it?”

“Fair enough. It’s gonna be a long hour…” he sighed as I jumped over the side.

A short hour later, four of five squads and five crewmembers stood before me, along with Kat, Taya, Kumani, and Zecora. The changelings and Ames would both be useless while Jak decided he would be more useful helping modernize some of the Crystal Empire’s infrastructure. I stood before those that were on the deck rather proudly, honestly happy to be working with them.

“Well guys, we killed an evil eldritch abomination that wanted to take over the world. I say that’s something to be a little bit proud of, myself. That said, I don’t particularly feel like being a damn occupation trooper. We came here for a reason, a reason beyond helping Cadance and Shining Armor deal with a small problem. I believe it’s time we got started on that reason. Sadly, I don’t think it’s something we’ll be able to do in a day, so expect to be spending some more time in the kingdom. But for now, let’s finally get moving again. Captain, set the course for southeast. I’ll home us in as we get closer.”

“Aye aye, Nav. We’re going southeast, helm!” The ship began to turn on its invisible anchor line. When it was ready, the captain nodded and his horn lit up, allowing us to once again begin our trek.

“Oh, and by the way,” I said when the ship gently lurched into motion, “I have a feeling it’s going to get very cold again once we get far enough away from the city. With that in mind, I suggest getting below to get dressed in something warm.” Since I was currently standing in the way of the doors going down, I stood aside, making my way to the railings as the ponies went down.

As I watched the palace slowly start to recede, I thought about what I had just done. About telling Twilight and her friends the nitty and gritty details and of how much of a mistake it probably was. “You know you’ll get even more cold than they will, right?” Kumani asked, planting herself next to me.

“...Yeah. Have you ever… I don’t know, done something you know was wrong? And then kept doing it and doing it, even though you knew every time that it was wrong? Then just built a habit out of it? Maybe even grew addicted?”

“That depends on what you consider wrong, I guess. I mean, I’m dating you. To dragons, that’s a crime.” One of her arms went around me and pulled me in close enough that she could get a wing around me. “Why?”

How should I explain my addiction to lying to my girlfriend? Surely that wouldn’t end well.

“You don’t,” Flo replied. “You’ve said yourself that—”

“I’m addicted to lying,” I answered Kumani. “And I just told so many truths that I feel… hurt by it.”

“You’re addicted to what,” she flatly said.

“Lying. Saying things that aren’t true. Spreading falsehoods. It’s… an ingrained reaction. A self-defense mechanism. One that is both killing me and keeping me alive…”

Kumani’s grip on me loosened considerably, but she didn’t let go. “And how am I supposed to trust anything you say, now? That you haven’t been cheating on me? Or that you won’t?"

“Most things, I don’t know. But if dragon senses are anything like those of a mare, you’ll know if I fucked someone else. Some of them could always tell once they got me naked. God, I shouldn’t have told you…” I sighed, leaning down on the rail. “Meeting old friends always does this to me.”

Her grip actually tightened back up, forcing me off the rail and more into her. “I’m glad you told me, Nav. It’s better I know now than having to catch you in one later. At least now if I do, I’ll understand more of why. But you still better not lie to me.”

“I try not to lie in romantic relationships.” Of course, I’ve only ever had one other pseudo-romantic relationship, so…

“That’s certainly a good thing. Now let’s get you inside. Looks like we’re about out of the shield.”

“Yeah.” Thankfully, she didn’t carry me back that time. She let me go and took my place at the railing as I walked on down to my room, where Taya was waiting.

“Have you been avoiding me, daddy?” Taya asked.

“That’s silly. You’re silly. Stop being silly, Taya.”

“Yes or no, please.”

I rolled my eyes, stepping into my room and closing the door behind me. “If I’ve been avoiding you, it hasn’t been on purpose. Why did you think I was avoiding you?”

“You didn’t spend any time with me at that crystal place!”

“Ever since Sombra died, I have been knee deep in administrative work. As much as I hate that stuff, someone has to do it. That someone happened to be—” A slam at the door interrupted me. “What the hell?”

It opened a second later, revealing an extremely irate Rainbow Dash. “WHERE DO YOU GE—” And she was immediately silenced by Taya.

Dash doesn’t like being forced to stay quiet.

When she realized that her angry words weren’t making any noise, she started thrashing around until Taya restrained her physically as well.

“Thank you, Taya. Dash, I will not be yelled at by a visitor aboard my ship. You can either say what you have to say in an inside voice or get your ass thrown off the side and blocked from coming back. Don’t think I can’t have that done. Taya, let her talk.”

When the binding around Dash’s mouth disappeared, she took a long breath and slowly let it out. “Where do you get off by just running away after telling everyone something like that!?”

“...I’m not running? Dash, I came here to fucking do something. Like, to the Crystal Empire. And that something wasn’t helping Cadance, though I was happy to help her. I’m going to go see about starting on the task I came here to do. I’ll be returning to the kingdom tonight, probably.”

She was silent for a few seconds, not even struggling in the physical restraints she still had. “...Oh. I should uh… I should probably get back…”

“I’m pretty sure it’s too late,” I answered. “We were almost to the shield when I went down. We’re almost definitely past it now. I’m not going to let you fly in this mess, not with that snow storm still blowing.”

“I can make it!”

“Yeah. You can make it. Not, you will. We’ll be going back to the kingdom tonight. You’ll just stay with us until then. Taya, let her go.”

The bindings around the pegasus disappeared, though she didn’t seem all too happy. “You think I can’t do it?”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure you could. But I’m not going to risk it. Besides, don’t you want to know what I came here to do? I figured you’d be bursting to know.”

“Well… yeah. I mean, you gave hints when you told us… uh, all that you told us. But I don’t think you ever actually said why you were here.”

“Well, maybe you’ll find out when we get where we’re going. Taya, take her to one of the female guards and ask if she can borrow some cold weather gear.”

“I’ll be fine!” Dash insisted.

“Yeah. Fine and cold. This way you’ll be fine and warm. And I need to get dressed so I can get back topside. So Taya, if you would?”

“...Yes, daddy. But we aren’t done talking about that.”

“I’m sure, dear.” Like hell we aren’t. Dash just rolled her eyes, but let Taya lead her away. When the two of them were free from my room, I closed the door once again and set about getting dressed into clothing that would actually keep me warm up above. “God, I really need more guy friends… That aren’t Smiles.”

Even on the ship, my choices were fairly limited. Four of the crew, ten of the guards, including Watcher, Jak, Ganger for the one day out of four he’s active, Spike, and the naga. Watcher doesn’t seem to want friends, Jak’s kind of a dick, Ames is sometimes amusing and sometimes really scary, and most of the crew and the guards consider me a commander before a friend. That left Spike, who was himself still rather innocent and occasionally feminine.

I’ve made it this long, I suppose. What’s a little longer?

When I was dressed up and ready to go, I went on back to the deck, waiting for Flo’s signals to tell us where to go. Some of the guards and Kumani were already on deck, most of them taking care to avoid the flurries of snow and freezing wind shooting over the sides. I walked up to the helmsman, since I didn’t want to have to yell instructions over the wind.

Rainbow Dash and Taya got on deck shortly after, both decked out in stuff that should keep them warm. Dash looked very out of place dressed like a night guard, but at least she wouldn’t freeze to death. The two of them looked around the deck before spotting me and joining me.

“I think Rarity would have a fit if she saw me like this,” Dash said, looking back at herself in the rather used uniform.

“She’d probably like it,” I answered. “I bet she has a thing for people in uniform. Just tell her that you’re there to lock her in your prison of love and she’d probably do anything you asked.” Even the helmsman gave me a weird look for that one. “What?”

Dash just scoffed before looking down at herself. “Hm… I wonder if she’d let me keep this outfit… Psh. At least it’s warm, I guess.”

“I told you that you’d need it,” I said. Flo whispered something before Dash could answer and I looked to the helmsman to say, “West, one point.” The ship turned slightly and we continued onward.

“Not that I need it,” Dash said with a shrug. “But I can’t really complain. So where are we going?” she asked.

“To rescue someone,” I answered. “Hopefully she’ll be grateful.”

“That’s not really very selfless, Nav.”

“Dash, you flipped out when your friends dressed up and did more heroic deeds than you. You can’t really talk about selflessness.”

“Hey, we all agreed to never talk about Mare-do-Well again!”

“Just saying.” To be fair, though, she was right. Everyone involved in that damn event was just stupid as all hell. ‘Oh, our friend is acting like a cunt? Instead of telling her, let’s all dress up and teach her a lesson!’

Not their proudest moment.

“But still, who would need rescuing up here?” Dash asked.

“If the Crystal Empire is any indication, a lot more people than we thought,” I answered. “You’ll find out who we’re here for if you’re still around when we find her. Until then, though, you can stay in the dark. God knows I don’t want Celestia finding out.”

“...Are you saving someone that she imprisoned?”

“No? Celestia may be an amoral bitch that spent about five years letting me be tortured, but usually the people she locks up deserve it.” Flo whispered something else and I said, “Another point west. Start slowing down. I swear, this is like playing hot and cold on a GPS.”

“...What?” the helmsman asked as he did as I said.

“Human game,” I answered. “Doesn’t matter.”

“I’m still interested. How do you play?” he asked.

“You and a few friends get together. One of you closes your eyes, spins around, and then tries to find a predetermined goal based on the input from other people. The closer you get to heading in the right direction, the ‘warmer’ you are. If the object is up close, it’s not that hard to stay hot. But if you’re talking about a distance of miles having to go over roads and shit, it’s one hell of a game.”

“Sounds interesting,” he said.

“Sounds boring,” Dash corrected.

“I think it would be fun,” Taya quietly said. “Unless you use your wings. That would make it more boring.”

“Slow down a bit more,” I said. “We’re coming up to it now.” The ship kicked a little as it slowed. “Shouldn’t be but about ten seconds. Stop it then.”

“Aye,” the helmsman said, “One Celestia, Two Celestia…” Never heard that counting method before. When he got to ten, the ship hard braked, coming to a halt.

“We’re there,” Flo whispered.

“Good job. Lower the ladders! Two pegasi, on me! Dash, stay here.”

“Psh, no! I’m going with you!”

“Taya, make Dash stay here.”

“Okay, daddy!” Her horn lit up and pre-emptively cut off whatever complaints Dash would have had.

By that time, two of the soldiers had gotten to me. “We’re going down. You two familiar with walking on snow and maybe ice?”

“Yes sir,” they both immediately answered.

“Then let’s go.” I spread my wings and jumped up, flying over to the edge and then letting myself drop down. Three shapes from the ship followed me down as preparations were made on the deck to let the earthies join us.

Flo led me right to the top of where the other water elemental was supposed to be and I slowly landed there, trying to test the ground to make sure it was solid. When I didn’t have any problems, I nodded and let my full weight drop down. That’s when I realized that Kumani also followed me down. She and the guards quickly landed next to me.

...Which turned out to have been a bad idea. Under me, the ice was fine. Under me and the two guards, it also probably would have been fine. But Kumani is a fairly large and heavy fucking dragon. The weight of all four of us crushed the snow we were on and the apparently thin layer of ice under it, sending us crashing into a shaft. A shaft that had been, as it turned out, blocked off with a few wooden boards…

...That had dry-rotted through, sending us cascading even farther down. It was too narrow for any of us to use our wings while we were all clustered, which didn’t stop Kumani from trying and buffeting us further. I only just barely remembered my sword and shitty TV shows, which gave me the idea to pull it out and slam it into the wall in the hopes of arresting my fall.

Much to my surprise, it actually worked. And it seemed that Kumani seemed to have the same idea, because she managed to grab onto something to stop herself a few meters past me, grabbing one of the guards by the leg. The other continued falling into the darkness...

“Well shit,” I said, tapping my head against the very cold rock wall. “You two alright?”

“Sort of,” Kumani said. “You?” she asked the guard.

“I think you ripped my leg out of my socket, but it’s better than…” He looked down to where the other had fallen.

“Pull him up,” I said. “Or at least grab another leg. He’s probably the only one with a wingspan small enough to actually get out of here.”

“Just how am I supposed to pull him up? I have one arm to use!”

“If you’re telling me he’s too heavy for you to pull up one handed, he needs to go on a fucking diet.”

“I have a condition!” he cried, looking away.

“Actually, I thought you meant… Ugh.” Kumani lifted the guard up by his pained leg, letting him sort of piggyback her. “Just… Fly up there or whatever,” she said.

“Go tell them what the hell happened. Fly down some rope or something.”

“What about you, sir?” he asked.

“Oh, you know us. We just love hanging out together,” I sarcastically answered before turning mean. “The fuck you think we’ll be doing? Go!”

“Yes sir!” He spread his wings and gingerly took off, making sure not to hit the walls as he went up. Soon, he was out of sight.

“Well, one down,” I sighed, shifting my grip on the sword.

“It wasn’t your fault, Nav.” Yeah, it was yours. Why the hell did you have to follow us down?

“I know. Look, I can get down from up here. My wings just barely touch the sides, so I can slow my descent. Wait for the rope.”

“You’re just going to leave me?”

“I want to… pay my respects, I suppose. I feel I should do it sooner rather than later.” I pulled myself up and put both feet on the wall, using them as leverage. “I’ll see you when we all get down.” With that, I yanked the sword out, immediately starting to fall.

Down and down I went, deeper into the bowels of the earth. Much to my surprise, past a certain point, the entire area opened up into a very large chamber with holes branching out in all directions but down. Each of those branches had what looked like the remnants of a rail cart system leading to the edge. Even more to my surprise was the still very much alive bat pony sitting on the ground at the very bottom. She saluted as soon as I landed.

“You’re alive!” I damn near shouted in surprise.

“Yes sir,” she replied, dropping the salute. “The cavern opened up and I barely had time to react… Think I cracked a hoof in the fall, but it’ll take more than that to keep me down.”

“That is excellent news. You scout any?”

“Negative. I don’t know what might be living down here, but I know it’s nothing I want to risk meeting alone.”

“As cold as it fucking is, I can’t imagine anything at all living down here. Let’s at least check out the different tunnels, see if we can see anything useful or find any lights.”

“I wouldn’t say nothing lives in cold places, sir,” she cautiously said as she began following me with a slight limp. “Especially not underground. This looks like an abandoned mineshaft, but that doesn’t mean nothing would take to living here.”

“Then let’s keep our eyes and ears open, eh? I know I don’t want to get fucking eaten.”

“Not unless it’s by my coltfriend,” she quietly replied before shutting up.

Most of the shafts just led away into darkness, but we found one with several perfectly preserved wooden carts with completely rusted wheels. “Think they’d use metal carts,” I whispered before shrugging and moving on. Another led to what appeared to be some kind of control room, with a number of extremely brittle wooden tables. “Can you read any of these signs?” I asked, stepping further inside.

She followed me in and looked at the wall with them on it. “No sir. Too dark and they look way too aged.”

“Do you know any civilizations that put death traps in their mines?” Aside from dwarves, of course.

“No sir. But I’m still not certain it would be a good idea to flip random switches.”

“If you live your life only doing things that are good ideas, you’ll never have any fun.” With that profound statement expelled, I reached out, flipped a random switch under one of the signs, and immediately regretted it.

That said, after the horrible, searing pain from having extremely bright lights turn on above me wore off, I stopped regretting it. I could see out the door that lights in the main chamber had turned on as well. Looks like today’s my lucky day.

“See there?” I asked with a smile, turning back to my companion. “Everything turned out just fine.”

“And now everything that might be living down here just woke up,” she calmly said. “And if they’re intelligent, they’ll probably be headed this way.”

“Well, just close the door. Maybe they’ll miss us.” She casually kicked the door shut. As soon as the door started moving, it disintegrated into dust and the hinges broke, falling off the wall. We both looked at it before our gazes met once more. I shrugged and pulled my sword out. “The entrance is still a pretty tight fit, even without a door. That’ll keep them from attacking us all at once, if there’s anything down there at all. We’ll just watch the door until our team gets down here.”

“Yes sir,” she answered, joining me in watching the rather large chamber.

We stood there in silence for five minutes before I got bored. “So… Nightshade, right?”

“Yes sir.”

“What made you want to be a guard?” I asked.

“I wanted to help protect Equestria, sir. And staying at home in Hoofington wasn’t that appealing. I figured the guard would get me out.”

“That it definitely did… And if you ended up with Watcher, I’m sure you’ve been all around Equestria.”

“And outside of it. He noticed me after a few of the ponies I helped arrest didn’t wake up for far longer than expected. That probably had something to do with the very nonregulation poisons I used.”

“Is that why… Nightshade?”

“Yes sir. You’d be hard-pressed to find a more deadly plant where we were at the time, so I got the nickname Nightshade.”

“Make ‘em yourself? The poisons, I mean.”

“Of course. Or at least, I used to before we started working with you. Now I make them with Zecora, who’s teaching me more than I ever thought there was to know.”

“You make anything that isn’t deadly?”

“Eh. Most of the poisons I make don’t actually kill, they just stun or knock out. But if you meant potions that would actually help or heal, no. My special talent isn’t alchemy, it’s poison-making. I tried using a healing potion I made once and woke up three days later in the infirmary with a splitting headache. Everyone giggled at me for days and I never really found out why.”

“You try asking Zecora to teach you? Plenty of options to retire with skills in healing. Not so much with skills in poisoning.”

“You would be very surprised, sir. Wait… Do you hear that?”

“No. You have bigger ears.”

“Shh…” We both stopped talking, just waiting for whatever it was she heard.

A few seconds later, a familiar blue pegasus shot out of the shaft, carrying a rope in her mouth. Luckily for her, she managed to stop her fall before hitting the bottom. “Just Dash,” I said, sheathing my sword. “Let’s see what’s going on.”

“You sure we should risk going out?” Nightshade asked. “If there is anything down here…”

“We don’t want them preying on Dash,” I finished for her. “She’s a civilian. A fast one, sure, but still a civilian.” I let myself out of the control room, walking toward the center, where Dash was looking around in wonder. “What took you so long?” I asked. From the sound of clopping behind me, I could tell Nightshade was joining me.

“That stupid unicorn!” Dash growled, spitting out her rope. “And just what the hay were you thinking?! When you disappeared like that, I… Bucking idiot!”

“We’re just fine,” I said. “Though I think the other guy might have hurt his leg. Say, did you see Kumani on the way down?” Just as I asked that, I saw the rope jerking back and forth, signalling someone coming down. I looked up and got a very nice view of Kumani’s ass as she slid down the rope.

Dash was also looking up. She chuckled and whispered, “Nice view.”

“Damn right. And that’s mine, you hear?” I replied.

“Yeah, yeah. So just what the buck were you thinking, Nav?”

“Well, I wanted to see how close we could get today. Turns out we were able to get pretty fucking close. Dash, Nightshade, go topside. Tell Watcher and Flash what we found down here.”

“Yes sir,” Nightshade answered before taking off.

Dash was a little more recalcitrant. “You can’t tell me what to do! I came all the way down here to help you and I’m not leaving until you’re back up there!”

“Dash… Of course I can tell you what to do. You just don’t have to obey me. But since you’re going to be a stuck-up little filly, fine. I shouldn’t let you off my apron strings anyway. I wouldn’t want you getting your little hoovies hurt by accident, after all.” I was hoping my prodding would get her to go, but it didn’t.

“You can be a real jerk sometimes, Nav,” is all she answered with.

“Oh hey, it opened up!” Kumani said from somewhere above us. We both looked up again to see her spread her wings and glide the rest of the way down. She landed right next to me. “I have words for you, mister!” In response to that, I jumped up, wrapped my arms around her neck, and kissed her.

That kiss went on for about as long as I expected, which was about fifteen seconds or so. Eventually, I pulled away and tried giving her a sad face. “I’m sorry for leaving you, Kumi,” I said, kissing her on the nose again for good measure.

“...Did you just call me Kumi?” she asked in utter shock.

“You don’t like little pet names?” I asked, pretending to be hurt. “I don’t have to use it…”

“It’s… it’s uh… I’m gonna go look around…”

“I’ll be waiting,” I replied, letting go of her neck and dropping to the floor. She fucking shambled away, looking positively lost.

When I looked over to Dash with a cocky grin on my face, I saw that she was probably just about as shocked as Kumani, if not more so. I walked on over and held up a fist. She shook her head quickly, getting over some of it, and brohoofed me.

“Nav, that was… Amazing! Can you teach me to do that?” she whispered, trying not to alert Kumani to what I did.

“What, and give a mare those powers? You’re outta your mind.”

“...Teach me or I’ll tell your little ‘Kumi’ what you did.”

“...We can talk later. For now, though, she has the right idea. I didn’t finish looking around with Nightshade. Let’s see what we can find down here.”

“Tch, whatever. Don’t think I’ll forget, though!”

Most of the tunnels did seem to lead off into mining areas, but a few of them led to things like a dining hall, a mining barracks, and finally, an overseer’s room.

“I’m just saying,” Dash said. “You’d think they’d put a staircase or something up there! Sure, a straight shaft like that isn’t a problem for someone as awesome as me, but Kumani definitely would have needed it!”

“I know, Dash. I’m wondering why there wasn’t something like that as well. But remember: Sombra was evil. It’s possible he didn’t want to risk anyone escaping.”

“Then how did he get them all in?” she asked as I stepped into the office.

“Elevator is my guess. Don’t touch anything.” I stopped her just in time, too; she was about to poke a book.

Instead she pulled her hoof back and joined me in walking around the room. “So what’s this place?” she asked.

“Overseer’s office, I think,” I answered. “We should wait for the unicorns to get down here. They might know how to preserve some of this stuff. Better than making it turn to dust at a touch.”

“...This stuff would do that?” she asked in wonder, looking at the book she almost touched. In response, I kicked the bed that was made of wood. My foot went right through, breaking the area I kicked into dust. The rest of it remained intact, though all of it shivered. “Cool!”

“But not good. I want information. We can’t get that if we destroy everything as soon as we touch it. This place has been untouched for at least a thousand years, meaning this stuff has mostly rotted.”

“Can’t I just break a few chairs? Ooh, we could stage a fight and break beds over each other!”

“No, Dash. Come on, I think I hear some more people in the main hall.”

“Never let me have any fun,” she muttered, kicking the side of the door as we walked out. When it dissolved, she actually giggled in glee before going back to following me, more of a beat in her step.

Watcher, another unicorn, and three earth ponies were down in the center, warily watching their surroundings. One of the pegasi was flying overwatch above them while the others were going back up into the hole. Watcher started walking my way when he saw me. “How’re things topside?” I called over his way.

“Reasonable,” he answered. “Your daughter was… most distraught. What are your orders?”

“See if you can make a dent in this rock. I wasn’t expecting to have to cut through fucking stone.”

“Stone is easier than ice, sir. You don’t have to worry about catching a blast of highly pressurized steam to the face. That said, I question the wisdom of continuing a mine that someone else built. It appears that the supports in this place have collapsed in many places. It’s entirely possible that this chamber might collapse if we just start blasting rocks.”

“So you’re saying we need to find an experienced miner,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Twilight could help!” Dash quickly said.

“Yeah, but she’s not going to be learning about this place,” I answered. “Watcher, what do you think? Back out now, go back to town, and hire a miner? Or explore this place, see what we can find, and use that info to hire one? Because I bet someone in the city used to work here and if we can find a roster…”

“We can find someone who knows the place in and out,” Watcher finished with a nod before turning back to the group that came with him. “Two groups of two. Spread out, search the tunnels. Call if you find anything.” They all nodded and broke up.

“I found the overseer’s office and a barracks,” I said. “Those are probably our best bets. But everything down here will turn to dust at a touch. I was hoping you had a spell for that.”

“I don’t, but someone in my team does. She should be down shortly.”

“No more after the next group,” I told him. “I don’t want too many people down here without a quick way of getting them all back out. As Nightshade said, there’s no telling what might be lurking down here.”

“Yes sir.”

“...And my daughter better not be one of those coming down in the next group.”

“Of course not, sir. Did you see any signs of anyone else down here when you first got here?”

“No. Unbroken dust on the floor. As far as I can tell, this place is dead.”

“I suggest very highly against that phrasing, sir,” Watcher replied, looking around the room. “That can have more than one meaning.”

“...Right.”

“What does that mean?” Dash asked, suddenly somewhat suspicious.

“Sometimes the dead don’t stay dead,” Watcher answered, looking back at her.

“It’s true,” I confirmed with a nod. “I know that at least vampires and ghosts exist. I’ve heard stories of necromancers, but I’ve yet to run into one.”

“Psh. Ghosts. I’ll believe that when I see one,” she replied.

“Suit yourself,” I said with a shrug.

“Your wording…” Watcher commented, looking at me. “You’ve run into a vampire?”

“She came out to me before we left. I assume you know who I mean.”

“...No sir, I don’t. But now that you said that, I believe I do. That certainly explains a lot. I wonder how she’s remained hidden for so long.”

“Support from high places,” I said by way of answer. “I don’t want anything to come of this, Watcher. She told me in confidence and I trust that she’s done nothing wrong.”

“Oh, I know she hasn’t. Hiding vampirism is one thing. Hiding murder is another.”

“What are you two talking about?” Dash demanded.

“A mutual friend,” I replied. “But anyway. Watcher, we found a control room for the lights and other things, but we couldn’t read any of the signs. Do you think your unicorn will be able to help us find out what the others do?”

“With the lights on, I don’t think we’ll need the others, sir. This is a smash and grab, not an occupation. Cadance and Shining Armor might eventually restaff the mine, but that will be their problem, not ours. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like being underground, and I really don’t want to be down in this pit for longer than necessary. I’m fairly certain that point, at least, is held by the rest of my team.”

“Alright, fair enough. Personally, I’ve taken a liking to plundering dark and dangerous holes, if you know what I mean. But yeah, we’ll try not to tarry.”

“I’m sure Kumani must be disappointed,” he dryly answered.

Dash snickered and gently kicked my thigh. “Got you good, Nav.”

“I would suggest a competition, but I don’t feel like hearing sexy rhymes,” is all I said by way of reply.

“She’s too busy using her mouth for other things. Now, show me this control room. At the very least, it will give us something to do until the others get down here.” He continued looking around the large room as we walked toward what I was pretty sure was the control room. Its entrance was more symmetrical than most others, but that still left a few other options open. “What is Kumani doing over there?” he asked.

I looked that way and saw her kneeling down, fiddling with something. “Don’t know,” I answered with a shrug. “I’ll go talk to her when we get you to the control room.” Thankfully, I picked correctly. “Yeah, this is it. Or at least, I think it is. All those switches make me think so.”

“I’d guess that you’re correct,” Watcher said as Dash continued walking over to the wall. “How did you get the right switch for the lights?”

“Randomly flipping one and getting lucky.”

“Very lucky,” he answered, stepping inside.

“Can I flip one?” Dash asked, looking back with her hoof raised to one of the switches.

“Nope,” I answered. “Keep Watcher company and mind yourself, young filly. I’d hate to have to spank you.”

Her ears twitched and she coughed before nodding. “I-I’ll be good!” I gave her a smirk before walking back out into the main room, heading over to Kumani and trying to keep my steps quiet since she was facing the other direction and might not notice me.

It wasn’t until I was right on her that she snapped one of her arms back, grabbing me at the collar before I could react, and whirling her body around to somewhat violently kiss me. At first, I was more than a little surprised. Not unpleasantly, of course, but I really was trying to be quiet. Still, I gave into the kiss and tried wrapping my arms around her, but she pushed me back as soon as she felt my arms. “Can I call you Navi?” she asked, setting me down at an arm’s reach from her.

“I’d prefer you didn’t,” I answered. “I really don’t like that nickname. And if you don’t want me to call you Kumi, I won’t.” I mean, I made it up on the spot anyway. Heat of the moment and all that.

Either way, she actually blushed very slightly over that. “It’s okay,” she said after a few seconds. “I just… wasn’t expecting to hear that name again. Just… go easy on it in public, okay?”

“You got it… Kumi. So what were you fiddling with?”

“Hm? Some rock I found. I thought it was a gem or something, but turns out it’s just a stupid crystal.” Her tail snaked around the black fragment and lifted it over to me.

When my fingers wrapped around it, I felt a sudden sensation shoot into my hand before it just as quickly faded away, almost making me lose my grip on the thing. “Good lord… Did you feel anything when you picked it up?”

“A twinge. I thought it was just a small cramp.”

“...It wasn’t. This thing is magical.” I held it up to the air with my left hand, getting a better look at it. “It’s magical and it’s black. That almost definitely means it’s evil.”

“So, what, give it to Watcher?”

“No. Sombra was corrupted by something.” I drew my sword and turned away from Kumani. “And when I first met him, he hissed something at me, something that sounded a lot like ‘crystals’.” With one smooth motion, I tossed the crystal up and slid my sword right through it, slicing the thing in two. “Evil has uses. But corruption does not.” Now that the previously small fragment was even smaller and in two, I used the heel of my boot to grind each piece into a fine powder. “I learn from history.”

“Geez Nav, you coulda just let me crush it,” she said with a grin that I only saw when I turned back to her and slid my sword up.

To that, I replied with a shrug. “I like being theatrical sometimes.”

She chuckled and pulled me close. “I like it.” Before she could kiss me, a clearing throat caught our attention. Unfortunately, she let me go to address it.

When I looked to our side, I saw one of the night guards. “Watcher wants you in the control room, sir,” he said.

“Alright. Well Kumani, we can finish this later. Duty calls.”

She… groped me, winking. “You bet, Nav.” Now, I can handle a lot of things easily. Rampaging monsters, sure. Falling to my death, no problem. Flirting and kissing in public, eh, whatever. But actually getting my dick grabbed? My wings flinched, my face flushed slightly, and even my ears twitched.

“R-right.” I quickly walked away, doing my best to hide my reaction. How the hell did that happen?

Flo giggled and whispered, “She turned the tables, it appears. You aren’t the only one that can make the other flustered.”

“You okay, sir?” the guard asked, walking next to me.

“Yes,” I immediately answered, not even thinking about explaining myself. He didn’t reply. By the time we got to the control room, I was back to my normal composed self. “What do you need?” I asked at the door. Watcher, another unicorn, and Dash were all in the room.

“We got a time view spell cast on the panels,” he said, turning back to me. “From what we can figure, there are pumps in some of the outlying tunnels. I assume there was a problem with ice and flooding. We might be able to use those to expel any ice we run into farther down.”

“Maybe. Find anything else useful?” I asked.

“I think there was an elevator here,” he said. “At the very least, a lift.”

“Wonder if we can get another one down here. That would make digging easier.”

“Yes sir. I’ll tell Jak, if you can get him the funds he needs to obtain materials in the city.”

“If they have materials. We might have to wait until the supply train gets here in a few days.”

“That would be… inconvenient. If all else fails, we can just cordon off the area with protection magic and fly everyone down here with the pegasi or use ropes.”

“Yeah. What about turbines or anything like that? I’m sure they had to run into gas a few times in this damn place.”

“Yes sir. There did seem to be a few things of that nature. A certain someone tried flipping one,” he said with a pointed look at a mildly blushing Dash, “but nothing happened. I can only assume they’re frozen over or maybe not connected to the power grid. Magic is powerful, but it can only last for so long.”

“Better than gas would do,” I idly commented. “Anything else of interest?”

“No.”

“What about the—” Dash started, but was cut off by Watcher’s magic.

“Good, I suppose,” I answered. “Go check for rosters, see if you can find some names. I want some experienced miners down here before we start digging.”

“Yes sir,” Watcher said, turning to his soldier. “Let’s go.” He dragged a struggling Dash with him as the two soldiers walked out.

Now, I’m sure that most people would be extremely curious by whatever Dash had to say before Watcher cut her off. I’m not most people. If it affected the plan to dig, Watcher would have said something. Since he cut her off, it was almost definitely not important. Or worse, it would be heavily distracting. At that point, I wanted to get the elemental and get out, nothing more and nothing else.

Life has a way of never being that simple.

While the three of them went toward the barracks—probably guided by Dash—I walked back over to where Kumani was, near the middle of the large chamber and for some reason looking up. “How is this room supported, anyway?” she asked when I got close enough, moving her head down to face me.

“No clue. I’m just going to hope that it stays up. We’re probably leaving soon and it’s a long, long climb up. I suggest getting started now.”

“I don’t really want to leave you down here, Nav,” she said. “There aren’t many soldiers with you and you don’t have your armor.”

“If anything starts attacking, I’ll be flying up and then climbing. I doubt it can follow us. I’ll be fine.”

“...Alright. Though it would probably be faster if someone pulled me up. Climbing takes a while.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you topside, Kumani.”

She leaned in to steal a quick kiss before nodding. “See you topside.” She then leapt into the air with her powerful legs, flying up to the top of the chamber before starting the long, long climb up.

With her going up and no longer a potential source of distraction, I walked over to the room where Watcher had been headed. “Find—Whoa.” Instead of being old and decrepit, the entire room looked almost brand new, with a few posters on the wall and spic and span beds lined up in even rows. Watcher held his hoof up to his mouth, gently shushing me. I just watched in awe as the other unicorn slowly walked through the room, her horn glowing.

After nearly a minute, she stopped in front of a dresser, looking above it at something on the wall. “Here,” she whispered, her voice so quiet I could barely hear her. Watcher rushed to her side, reading over the list posted above the dresser.

“Roster,” he said, quickly reading over the entire thing. After a moment, his horn lit up as well and a piece of paper appeared next to him, followed by a pen. He wrote several things on the page before nodding and sending them both away. “We have what we need.”

The other unicorn’s horn went dark and the entire illusion shattered, truly revealing what horrible effect the ravages of time had upon the room that had likely seen no upkeep in centuries. The desk they stood in front of was just a wooden wreck, broken apart on the floor. The prim bedding was all rotten and dead, each long since turned to dust. There weren’t even any hints of posters left on the walls.

“Are you ready, sir?” Watcher asked me.

“...Yeah. Start getting people flown up, Watcher.”

“Yes sir.” He went back to the main room, his trooper following him. That left just me and Dash in the large room.

“Dash, help them ferry people up. I want to get out of here quickly.”

“Alright, Nav. But uh, you should really ask Watcher about that other power switch.”

“I’ll think about it. Now go. With as fast as you are, you can probably make two trips for the soldiers’ one.”

That got the nervous expression off her face. “Only two? We’ll see about that!” Before I could say anything else, she zoomed off, leaving a light rainbow trail in her wake.

So easy. I joined Watcher and the other remaining troops at the bottom of the long pipe leading up, each of us watching the surrounding area in case something decided to pop out. Together, we waited in silence for the pegasi to get back down so another group of us could head up.

Thankfully, there were only two groups of us actually down there, so it didn’t take us long to get back up. When the pegasus carrying me passed Kumani, I told her that we’d just pull her slow ass up. I mean, hell, we needed the rope anyway.

Just under fifteen minutes later, we were all back on the ship and once again headed to the city. “So what was the point of that?” Rainbow Dash asked as I weathered a piercing glare from my loving daughter.

“Scouting,” I answered. “Now we know exactly where it is, what we need, the conditions we’ll be working in, and can get back at any time. Much better than how we were before, without knowing much of anything.”

“If you say so,” she dubiously answered. “But I still haven’t found out what we’re trying to get there!”

“We aren’t getting anything,” I answered. “You’re not here to help us. You’re here because I didn’t want to risk you freezing your blue ass to death. You aren’t coming back out here with us.”

“Why not? I’m not doing anything with the crystal ponies! Whenever I try asking Twilight if I can help, she just tells me that she doesn’t need me for anything!”

“That’s nice. This still isn’t any of your business. If I wanted everyone knowing what I was doing, I’d be telling everyone what I was doing. I don’t particularly want anyone that’s going back to Equestria to know what’s going on.”

“...It’s an elemental, isn’t it?” she asked. “There’s another one down there!”

“What gave you that idea?” I asked, massaging my temple. “Actually, I don’t care. It’s cold out here. I’m going back down below.” I started walking to the doors leading to my room, but felt scaley claws wrap around my wings, pulling me another way.

“We have a little time,” Kumani said, dragging me down to the cargo hold. “Let’s make the best of it…”

When we got back into the city, I sent my soldiers all across the city, hunting for any of the miners on the list we recovered from the hole. I was really hoping we could convince at least one of them to come back and work for me, or maybe even recommend books that would help us start digging safely ourselves.

While they did that, I returned to the palace to get back to helping Shining Armor and Cadance with their ruling stuff. True, there was only so much I could do, but they seemed to really appreciate what little I could help with.

Though I had to avoid the hell out of Twilight and her friends… None of them were pleased that I left so suddenly again and took Dash with me. Well, Applejack didn’t particularly care that I left, just that I dragged Rainbow Dash with me.

“So where did you go today?” Cadance asked before she went to get ready for bed.

“I went to go start on what we came here for,” I said. “It was a good scouting session, at least. We found a mine deep under the ice right on top of what we’re looking for, so hopefully our search won’t take as long.”

“...A mine? We probably will end up needing a new source of income… Did you see anything valuable down there?”

“No. I have a feeling that whatever corrupted Sombra came from down there. I suggest against any kind of official efforts there. In fact, you should probably close the place off completely once we’re done. We sort of fell through the ice and almost died since the shaft goes straight down for several hundred meters.”

“If it’s dangerous, are you sure you should be going down there? I know this is important to you, but is it really worth whatever happened to Sombra?”

“Yes. It’s absolutely worth it.”

“Alright, Nav,” she sighed. “I trust you know what you’re doing.”

“Cool. Now go to bed and fuck Shiny’s prostate off.”

“No promises about that second part,” she answered with a small chuckle. “But bed sounds nice. I will see you in the morning, Nav.”

Note to self: Make sure they both have wet dreams, just to fuck with them. As I walked on through the halls of the palace, looking for something to do, Shining Armor found me. “Hey Nav. Do you have that necklace on you? The uh… alicorn thing?”

“The alicorn amulet?” I warily asked.

“Yeah, that! Do you have it with you?”

“No,” I lied. “Why?”

“I dunno. I just keep thinking about it for some reason. Just think of all the good I could do with it!”

So much for him being immune. “That’s interesting. You should probably go to bed, Shiny.”

“Oh yeah, it is getting pretty late… I guess I can get it back from you in the morning. Good night, Nav.”

“Have fun with your wife,” I said, walking away and thinking of how to keep the amulet hidden. Eh, fuck it. Not like he’ll actually go evil for it.

With most everyone else getting ready for bed or already there, I walked up to the room I had secured for my own use. Not that I slept there, of course; it was my season for wakefulness, so there was no sleep to be had for me. But I did keep some stuff stored there. Namely, all the journals of Sombra’s that we found hidden in and around the palace.

Despite Watcher’s plan of getting the elemental and getting out, I was still rather curious about what drove someone that was purportedly as great and wondrous a leader as Sombra to become evil. The early journals of his that I found just detailed life as a prince in a weak empire. Beset on all sides by enemies of various kinds, he grew up in a rather warlike state.

As I read on and on in his journals, in a way I started to feel more and more like Marlow, hunting down the ever elusive but already dead Kurtz. What could drive a man like Sombra, who had everything he could want and more, to the depths of evil that he had supposedly fallen to?

One day not long after his parents’ death, Sombra was leading a military patrol out into the trackless wastes around his city. While doing so, apparently he and his men ran into an enemy that had been attacking their realm for a long, long time, an old dragon by the name of Vilustuminen—good luck pronouncing that one. The battle was pitched and fierce and ended with Sombra cast down an icy ravine into the darkness.

There, he found something he described as amazing, some manner of powerful crystal. When he took it back to his kingdom after recovering, it began melting, revealing it to be ice rather than the crystal he originally took it for. Thus, he met his elemental, Aqua. Perhaps sensing his desperation to help his people, she promised him power if he helped free her.

Oh, how his people thought he was mad for digging a hole straight down into the icy earth. They worked and worked, digging deeper and deeper into the darkness… Until they struck more crystals. Actual crystals, crystals with powers.

Crystals of darkness.

They distorted the voice of the elemental, making Sombra think he found what he had been promised. He stopped digging down, instead digging out and finding more and more of the powerful crystals. Not all of them were evil, no. Many of them had true, good powers. But all of those that were evil, he took for himself.

And of course, the darkness of the crystals wasn’t the only problem he ran into. It’s hard, after all, for only a single source of evil to bring down a great man. The crystals Sombra found helped his ponies better their lives, but his enemies were still a constant threat. Griffins from the south, the occasional marauding dragon, undead, and monsters of all kinds were serious problems for the small kingdom.

Until one day, a mysterious peddler sold a book bound in some strange material to one of Sombra’s servants in the palace, promising it would make a gift suitable for any king. And so Sombra came into possession of a spell book full of dark, evil rituals. One of the rituals was for binding a piece of a dragon to one’s body in the place of a horn, which would grant the person magic. Dragons are, after all, magical in nature.

So Sombra took to hunting dragons, suspecting that the more powerful the dragon was, the more powerful his magic would be. And so he hunted and finally killed Vilustuminen, cutting off one of his teeth for the ritual and storing the rest of the bones for possible later use. That gave Sombra his first taste of dark magic, permanently casting a stain upon his soul. Shortly after that, the elemental took control of Sombra’s body for a few critical seconds, exiling all of his family from the kingdom for their protection from what she thought was soon to come.

Unfortunately, that was the last piece of information I could find in his journals. I suspected the journal that blinded me and was later burned was the most recent of Sombra’s journals, detailing everything that came after his family was forced out. With that in mind, I made a note to ask Watcher in the morning what the hell happened.

As that thought struck me, there was a knock upon my door. “Come on in,” I called, setting the last journal down and turning to face whoever wanted me.

One of the night guards entered. “Watcher wants to see you, sir,” he said. “We found the only surviving miner. And he isn’t interested in helping us.”

“Well, I’d be pretty pissed if a group of bat ponies started banging on my door in the middle of the night, too,” I answered. “Try waiting until morning.”

“It is morning, sir,” he answered. “The miner said he refuses to ever put a hoof back into that mine.”

“Hm.” I hopped up, grabbing my sword and my gun. “Let’s see if the ‘Hero of the Crystal Empire’ can convince him otherwise, shall we?”

He led the way to the nearest exit of the palace, where together we flew over to what was apparently the miner’s house. Watcher and his command squad were outside of it, waiting on us. A few of the crystal ponies were walking by, eyeing the strangely colored night ponies. And of course, since none of them had the crystal look anymore, they stood out even more. When those passersby saw me, they were instantly all smiling.

“Why won’t the guy help us?” I asked Watcher.

“Turns out he had a few bad experiences there. Which is pretty expected, honestly. But he’s the only survivor. Meaning everyone else that he was working with were either killed or rescued by Equestria, dying ages ago. Poor guy’s a little unhinged and thinks the mine is haunted.”

“...Is it?”

Watcher gave me a grim look. “Ghosts rarely haunt places, Navarone. They haunt minds. It doesn’t matter if it’s haunted or not. If he thinks it’s haunted, to him, it’s haunted. I can’t imagine how we’ll convince him to come with us.”

“If we have to, we’ll fucking kidnap him,” I said. “I really don’t want to start digging without knowing if it’s safe first.”

“That would be a bad idea,” he replied. “He needs to be convinced. You’re famous here now, so I figured it would be better if you did it.”

“...Alright. Wait out here.”

“Yes sir. And good luck.”

I walked up to the miner’s large crystal house and firmly knocked on the door. After doing that, I resolved to never use my hand when knocking on doors made of stone again. The miner fellow barely pulled the door open a few moments later, looking nervously around before seeing me and opening it slightly more.

“W-what do you want?” he whispered.

“I’m doing a survey for Princess Cadance,” I lied. “Do you mind if I asked you a few questions?”

“...Questions? I can answer questions.” He looked around me and spotted the night guards residing there. Both of his ears shot down and he backed inside. “P-please, come in.” I followed the poor guy inside, closing the door behind me. “Can I get you anything, sir?” he asked, appearing at least somewhat more calm now that he wasn’t seeing my troops.

“No thanks,” I quickly answered. “Before I start asking, the princess told me I should make sure her subjects are comfortable. So if you have any questions for me, by all means, ask.” Come on, ask the right ones…

“Well… what are you, sir?”

“I’m a human. That probably doesn’t mean much to you, though. Let’s just say that a lot has happened since this city disappeared.”

“Hm… Oh, don’t make me keep you standing!” He led me further into his house, to a den, and we both sat. “Did the princess of Equestria send you here?”

“Not quite. I’m a friend of Princess Cadance and heard she was in trouble. I came to help her.”

“...Why? The monster that was troubling her was powerful! Evil! He could have killed you… Killed us all…”

“Because if no one takes responsibility, if no one gets it in their mind that they are the hero, then evil will always win. Someone needed to build up the courage to do something. I happened to be one of those that did. Courage and bravery are both such fickle things, I’ve found… It takes a lot to get them and even more to hold onto them. But there is little more rewarding than being the one that gets them and helping others.”

He was silent for some time before asking, “W-what about personal fears? Or things that would hurt only you?”

“Those take even more to get over, but are, in their own way, even more rewarding. Nothing like staring one of your own fears down to make you feel incredibly self-assured. It’s amazing what a bit of self-confidence can do to change someone, you know?”

“No… I don’t know.” The more we talked, the more lively and animated the fellow seemed to become. But he still wasn’t quite there.

“Oh? Maybe I got the wrong house. I thought you were one of the heroic miners that helped bring this kingdom to power before Sombra’s evil turned it on its head. Surely you had to deal with a lot of fear in your daily life, didn’t you?”

“I… Some. It started as such a good job. We were just miners, but everypony adored us for the riches we brought home. But over time… Sombra became a monster. He demanded higher and higher quotas, making us work harder than ever. When we started failing to meet them… Do you know what bodies in an incinerator sound like?” he asked, his voice cracking there at the end.

“I can’t imagine it’s pleasant.”

“It’s worse when they’re still alive…” He honestly sounded like he was getting close to crying. “I was injured near the end. The foreman said it was a freak accident, or maybe tripping over a pick. I… I saw the face of the pony, sir. The pony that attacked me…”

“Why didn’t you report him, then?” I asked.

“Because he was killed three days before! I… survived, barely, and was sent out of the mines to recover. Before I could fully heal and be forced to work again, something strange happened. Then a few days ago, everything was instantly different. I don’t know what happened to all the other miners, but I haven’t heard anything about them…”

“Which means they were probably trapped outside the city when it disappeared. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all retired to Equestria. You know, Princess Cadance would probably be willing to pay quite a bit for an experienced miner. She’s going to need a source of income soon. Your services would be quite useful.”

“I… I can’t go back, sir. I can’t. If my own brother was haunting me then, who knows what ghosts may be waiting for me now? Wanting me to join them in death?”

“You can’t live your life always in fear of what might happen. If I were you, I’d take the first chance I got to go back to that damn mine and stare it in the face, daring it to do a thing to you. Prove to yourself that you’re better than your fears.” He looked away, pensive. “But that’s just me,” I added, standing. “Well, you answered my questions. I’ll just let myself out.” He didn’t make a sound as I let myself out of his house and walked back over to Watcher.

“Well?” he asked.

“Give him twenty minutes,” I said. “Knock again and ask once more. I’ll be back in the palace when you get an answer. If he says no, we’ll just look for books.”

“Yes sir,” he replied, nodding. I flew off to go back home.

Before I even landed, one of the pegasi found me. “Another message from Watcher,” the fellow said. “The miner agreed to help us. He’s being prepped for the trip now.”

“Excellent. Return to Watcher and tell him to give the miner details of the mine and to ask him what materials we’ll be needing, then give Jak the information. I want to leave as soon as we have what we need to start digging again.”

“Yes sir,” the guard replied with a salute before flying off again.

I love it when things go my way.

Chapter Ninety-Seven—Inside the Fire

Chapter Ninety-Seven—Inside the Fire

When I got back to the palace to start finding everyone that needed to be present when we started building up the mine, I was instead found by one of the servants that came back to work at the palace. “Princess Cadance would like to see you in the throne room, Sir Navarone,” she said, bowing so low she almost touched the floor.

“Did she say what she wanted?” I asked, not really wanting to take time to deal with her shit.

“She did not, sir,” she answered, not lifting her head up. “Shall I escort you there?”

“Nah, I know the way. And stand up. I like being able to see people’s faces, not the back of their heads.”

She flinched and quickly stood up, but still didn’t look me in the eye. “I apologize, master. I hope I did not offend.”

“Relax. It’s almost impossible to offend or anger me. Now go about your business.”

“Yes, my lord…” I left the poor traumatized servant there and walked on to the throne room, trudging up the annoying staircases to get there.

“You need to move this damn room,” I said when I finally got to the throne room. “There are too many fucking staircases to get here.”

“I’m starting to agree,” Cadance replied with a sigh. “But I suppose it will be good exercise.”

“If I wanted exercise, I’d go fuck Kumani for an hour. Now what did you need? I was just about to go get started on my business.”

“...You already forgot?”

“It’s been a long day.”

“Everypony just woke up!”

“My day has been going on for weeks since I can’t sleep. Now again, what do you need?”

“Ugh. The meet and greet? That’s today, Navarone. You need to be there.”

“Like hell I do. I have important shit to do. That mine isn’t going to dig itself.”

“Are you going to be using a pickaxe?” she asked, the smile she usually had on her face disappearing.

“Well no—”

“Then you don’t need to be there,” she answered, the smile instantly coming back. “The event starts in two hours.”

“What makes you think I don’t need to be there?”

“I have a feeling you don’t know much about mining. And Watcher is very capable, from what I’ve heard of him. Having you there might be useful, but not as useful as having you with me at the meet and greet.”

“How will that possibly be useful for me?”

“You’re going to need resources, I believe. Resources that are currently very limited. How do you expect to get any if you don’t know those that have the resources very well? Yes, you’re currently the big hero, but if you start blowing everypony off like this, you won’t stay that way for long. If you want to convince them to give you what you need, you have to know them.”

“What, I can’t just use gold?”

“Who needs gold when everypony is hungry and nopony has food? Until we get an economy running and more goods here, gold is worthless.”

“God fucking dammit,” I muttered. “Fine.”

“Excellent! Now, does Kumani have any dresses? It’s going to be a formal thing, so it’s best if she’s clothed.”

“Man, I don’t fucking know. I haven’t seen her wearing any. You want me in armor or something I’m going to lie and say is formal for humans?”

“I leave that up to you. If you want to ham up the hero role, wear your armor. They might think you’re more of a fighter and less of a thinker, though.”

“Don’t care what they think of me. Putting that armor on is a pain, so fuck that.”

“Do as you like. Do you want me to send the royal seamstress to Kumani to make her a dress?”

“Fuck no. If she’s wearing a dress, I can’t stare at that sexy ass all day.”

“...Sometimes even I think you might be more of a fighter than a thinker.”

“Eh. Where’s the damn thing gonna be held? I’ll be there and I’ll bring Kumani if she wants to go. Maybe Taya as well.”

“Aw Nav, don’t bring a filly to something like this. She’d be so bored! Well… Taya might not… But she’d still probably have more fun helping your crew.”

“So would I. I’ll give her the choice.”

“Good idea. Anyway, it’ll be in the same place Twilight had the Crystal Fair. Remember, two hours.”

“I’ll be there, don’t worry. I’ll make a point of being miserable the entire time to spite you, but I’ll be there.”

“That is good enough, I suppose. Is there anything you need from me?”

“Nah, you’re dismissed.”

Her legs actually twitched like she was about to stand up and walk away, but she stopped them. “Very funny. If you see Shining Armor on the way to talk to Kumani, send him my way.”

“Sure. Have fun in this big empty throne room with its evil hidden room. All by yourself.” She just rolled her eyes as I walked away.

It didn’t take me long to get to the room Kumani appropriated for herself. There weren’t any beds for anything her size in the entire castle, so she needed a room large enough to push two beds together. Though why she chose to stay in the castle instead of on the ship, I don’t know.

When I let myself in, I found that she was still asleep, curled up in such a way that she was on just one of the beds. She had a few jewels and a hundred or so bits that she seemed to be wrapped around. “Huh.” I walked over to her back and sat up on the bed, gently rubbing her shoulder to try to wake her up without shaking her.

...It didn’t work. So instead I moved her tail aside and slowly molested her until she moaned herself awake.

“Hey Kumi,” I quietly said, not stopping.

“Mmm… Nav?” she asked, turning her head to look at me.

“Yep. There’s a big meet and greet thing for the city today that I have to go to. You interested in coming?”

“You better not stop until I do,” she sighed, her head falling back on the pillow. Then she shifted positions, making all the coins and jewels clink as she lifted up her lower body so that her ass was in the air. “Get to it, stud,” she whispered, lifting her tail.

“Far be it from me to ignore an invitation,” I answered with a shrug.

Half an hour later, she was forcing me to cuddle. “So you said something about a meet and greet?” she asked as she toyed with some of my feathers behind my back.

“Yeah. I came here to ask if you were interested in going.”

“Will there be free food?”

“Nah. There is almost no food in this city at all. Won’t be for another few days, but I’m hoping we’ll be gone by then. Just the chance to meet some of the more boring of the citizens of this damn city.”

“Why are you even going to this thing, then? Just blow it off.”

“If only. Long story short, I can’t. If you don’t want to go, the crew could probably use your help. I know I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t go.”

“Then I won’t. Why haven’t we ever used your wings in sex?” she asked, tugging on one of them gently.

“You rub them all the time,” I answered, ruffling them.

“No, I mean you using them on me. As soft as they are, I bet it feels great down there!”

“A few people would definitely agree.” Kat, Braeburn, that crazy bar owner. “If you want to try it, we can later. But I need to go find Taya and then start getting ready.”

She sighed, dipping her claws down to caress a more intimate part of me. “Do you really have to go so soon?”

“Yes, sadly. Besides, lying on gold and jewels is not at all comfortable.”

“Oh yeah, forgot those were there. I should probably warn you that my hoarding instinct is gonna kick in a bit harder as my mating season progresses. When it’s over, I should be back to normal.”

“You’re not going to start stealing, are you?”

“...Probably not. I should be able to control the urges better than that, but if I see an easy mark, I might not be able to help myself.”

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind. Now, I need to go.”

She didn’t let me go. I cleared my throat.

“Oh yeah, another thing is that I might get… a little more clingy,” she apologetically said, finally releasing me.

“Do your best to control that,” I said, pulling away from her. “Affection is cute, but overdoing it will get annoying.” When I finally got up, I started putting on clothes.

“I’ll try.” I started walking to the door when she shot out a very random question. “Why’d you break things off with Luna?”

I turned back quickly, shock on my face. “Where did that come from?”

She was sitting up now, looking my way. “You keep saying things like that get on your nerves. I don’t want to make the same mistakes she did.”

“Well, that isn’t really possible. She was using me to satisfy her desire of having ‘tamed’ an apex predator. I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that with you. We can… talk more about that later. I’ll see you when the ship gets back, Kumi.”

“Enjoy the party,” she called after me, sounding relieved.

“I won’t,” I said before the door closed.

Then I started making my way to Taya’s room, which was right next to mine. Of course she was in there, because where else would she be? She did have a few spellbooks arranged around her that I know I didn’t get for her. “Hey daddy,” she said when I entered, not looking up from the book she was floating in front of her.

“...Where did you get those?” I asked, walking up to her bed.

“Found them in the castle. Asked Watcher about them. Said they were okay.”

“And what is in them?”

“Ugh.” The book flopped to the bed as she let it fall. “Nothing! It’s starting to get very frustrating. A stallion as powerful as Sombra had to have a few combat spells, but I haven’t found any yet. Just a bunch of useless things about transmuting and prolonging life. Nothing interesting at all.”

“Want to take a break in an hour to go with me to a party? It’ll be boring, but your eyes are going to need a rest after trying to read in this poor light.”

“...Yeah. I don’t really want to go, but mining sounds even more boring. And this way you have to spend time with me.”

I sat on the bed next to her, setting my hand on her head. “I will always make time for you if you think we don’t spend enough together. We both know that in times like these, I get busy. I have things I need to do and in those times, other things get pushed to the wayside. Sadly, you’re one of those things that often get pushed aside. But the event doesn’t start for another hour and some change. I need a shower, but after that we can do something together, if you want. And you can think of something for us to do, of course.”

“Then hurry up and shower. I can tell you’ve been to see Kumani already.”

I sighed, taking a second to smell myself. “Is it really that noticeable? Human noses don’t pick that stuff up very well.”

“Daddy, you practically reek of it. Everyone can always tell. Well, every pony can, at least. It’s very… alluring,” she creepily said and then took a deep breath.

“...I’m gonna go take a shower. I will see you in fifteen minutes.” After what she said and how she said it, I wasn’t going to be hugging her. So I just stood and started walking to the door. She didn’t answer and I just walked out feeling rather awkward.

“I really wish I knew what to do about that,” Flo said when I was back in my room. “It’s… honestly disturbing.”

“Yeah. It’s beyond disturbing. But I’m afraid to ask for advice. What if someone thinks she should be taken away?”

“I know, Nav. Just… hope she grows out of it. Or better, finds someone else.”

“I certainly hope she finds someone else. Grandkids would be fun. I’d spoil them and make up embarrassing stories about their mom to fluster her.”

“...Don’t you already spoil Taya?”

“Eh.” I was in the shower by that point, thanking no one in particular that the hot water was finally working.

“You should really know who to thank for that, Nav.”

Obama? I felt a weak slap to the back of my head, but didn’t correct myself.

Soon enough, I was out, dry, dressed once more, and heading to Taya’s room yet again. She was, of course, back to poring through her books. “I’m physically cleaner,” I said, outstretching my arms and wings as if daring her to find a fault.

“I can tell,” she answered, dropping the books back to her bed. “You ready?”

“Sure, I guess. What are we doing?”

I did not like her smile one little bit. “Practicing,” she answered.

As I dodged a very large boulder aimed right at my face, one thought resounded through my mind. It didn’t have to be like this.

Dodging that boulder put me in the way of a smaller one moving even faster, so I let my wings fold up, dropping down a few feet and letting it sail over me. My daughter was supposed to be nice.

A rock hit me from the back, knocking me off course and almost into another one before I shot to the right. Into flowers and art. Doing cute things. Making me smile instead of worry.

My sword batted another small rock coming at me out of the way, sending it colliding with another one that looked like it was about to come at me. Instead she’s throwing giant rocks at me.

“To be fair,” Flo said as I got clipped by another rock, “you said yes.”

“She didn’t tell me she was using real rocks!” I yelled before getting caught right in the small of the back by a rather large boulder. I barely rolled off it before it fell to the ground, not bothering to catch myself with the wings and instead starting to run on foot.

“A fair point,” Flo answered. “Duck.” I did so without thought, letting a rock from the side pass over my head. “But you could have told her no after you realized she was.”

“She looked so happy…” The small rock coming at my face was easy enough to catch with my hand, but it dragged me a few steps before I let it go, learning my lesson.

“You’ll be caring less about her puppy-dog eyes when she smashes your face. Or worse, your teeth. You don’t have a dentist with you.” To punctuate that, I felt a rock slam into one of my kidneys, stealing my breath and almost knocking me down.

“Watch your back, daddy!” Taya called from somewhere to my right.

“Fuck target practice,” I groaned, one hand clutching at my aching kidney.

“It’s not target practice for you,” Flo giggled. “For you, it’s dodging practice.”

“I’m giving you a spanking next time I see you,” I sighed.

Unfortunately, it seemed Taya was tired of not hitting me. After dodging a few more rocks, the ground in front of me exploded and three new rocks joined the fray, one shooting at me and two looping around either side. It was all I could do to roll out of the way and even then, I felt one collide in the ground inches behind me.

I really wish I could have seen what the air around me looked like as I did my best to avoid getting fucking wrecked by dozens of rocks. I’m sure it must have been an amazing sight, what with all those things looping around me.

Of course, it was only a matter of time that I got hit by one I couldn’t get up from. One of the smaller rocks hit me in the shin, stopping me just long enough for one of the big ones to knock me off my feet and throw me to the ground, then hold me there.

Taya came merrily trotting up to my groaning form. “You went down pretty fast, daddy,” she said before the rock jumped off me. “I thought you’d last a few more minutes!”

She wasn’t expecting me to snatch her front legs and drag her onto me as I rolled over, pulling her into a hug. “Never let your guard down,” I whispered, struggle-snuggling her.

“Daddy, please!”

“What’s that? You want to be tickled?”

“NO!” I started tickling her anyway since she’s always so adorable when she’s giggling. She definitely started struggling at that point, seemingly caring less about hurting me. Or more likely, she was just instinctively flinching around.

Either way, I stopped a minute in when I became aware that we had a visitor, letting Taya catch her breath while glaring at me. “What do you need, Fluttershy?” I asked, not getting up or letting Taya go.

“Um… If this is a bad time, it can wait…”

“There ain’t no time like the present for anything,” I said. “What do you need? Oh, and I’m limiting you to two ‘ums.’ Use more than two and we stop paying attention.”

“Um… Okay?”

“That’s one. Let’s see if you can make it.”

“Oh my… Well, how much do you… know about Kumani?”

“I know that she’s a dragoness with somewhat affluential parents. I know that she and I get along. And I know she tastes pretty alright.”

“...Tastes? No, never mind. But… aren’t you worried? She’s a dragon, Nav! They’re so greedy and possessive when they get older…”

“And? That just means she probably won’t do anything to hurt me so I don’t leave her.”

“She’ll… get really big and vicious!”

“She’s already pretty vicious. And I’m sure we’ll figure out a way to deal with the size difference, if we stay together that long. Magic’s a hell of a drug, after all.”

“You don’t think you will stay together that long?” she asked, perking up at least a little.

“I didn’t say that. The two of us have very long lives ahead of us, unless something shortens them, and a lot can happen that can drive two people apart. But on the same vein, a lot can happen that brings two people together. That’s how relationships work. Hope for the best but be prepared for disappointment.”

“Nav, as your friend—”

“Is that all you’re speaking to me as right now, Fluttershy?” I butted in. “Just a friend?”

“...Yes. And as your friend, I want you to know that…” She took a deep breath and just blurted the rest out quickly, “None of us think this is a good idea!” Her peace spoken, she turned her stare at me, daring me to refute her.

I couldn’t. “Yeah, I know it’s not. It’s an absolutely terrible idea.” Both she and Taya flinched back in surprise, staring at me. “But it’s a terrible idea that’s fun. With all the horrible shit that I’ve been through, is it so bad that I want something that makes me happy? Sure, the two of us probably won’t work out well. But while we’re going, it’s fun. Is that so bad?”

Fluttershy looked away, unable to come up with a good reply.

“Taya, we need to go get ready,” I quietly said, finally letting her go. She hopped off me and helped me up and then we both started walking away, back to the palace.

We were stopped a few steps away. “If she makes you happy…” Fluttershy started, but paused until I turned to face her. “That’s all we really want, Nav. You to be happy. That’s what… friends want for their friends.”

“Cool. I hope that means none of you are going to attempt to sabotage my relationship. I know how you ponies tend to think.”

“We would ne—Well… I would never do that, Nav.”

“I know that you wouldn’t, but Dash? Twilight? And I could see Applejack or Rarity possibly getting roped into it as well.”

“...Yeah. It was Twilight that sent me here…” she quietly said, looking away.

“Then tell them that I’ll fucking slap their shit if they try to ruin what I have. And then Kumani will slap their shit. And then I’ll do it again for good measure.”

“...Okay,” she whispered, still not looking at me.

“I’ll see you later, Fluttershy. Come on, Taya.” The two of us continued our walk back to the city alone.

Thankfully, the shield didn’t extend all that far into the surrounding area, so it didn’t take us long to walk back. On the way there, one of my soldiers landed next to me. “We’re ready to go, sir. Waiting on you.”

“I can’t go this time. Cadance has me playing nursemaid to a bunch of nobles and merchants. Tell Watcher he’s in charge and to do what he can to get the mine up and running, but not to start digging without me. And I want the ship back before dark. If he thinks it’s safe, he can keep a few people in the cave itself, but I don’t want to leave the ship in the weather for too long.”

“Yes sir,” the guard answered. “Do you want any guards to stay with you?”

“I’ll have the naga and the changelings. I should be fine.”

“Yes sir.” He spread his wings and took off, soaring to the ship.

We continued our walk until we got to the palace. Since I ended up on the ground, I needed another damn shower, which I took quickly. I also made Taya take one, since she was going to be dressing up whether or not she liked it.

When I got out of the shower, Ames was in my room. “I grow weary of this peace, Cain,” he rumbled. “And this city… the citizens stare at me. It is worse even than Ponyville.”

“If I have my way, we won’t be here for much longer. Hopefully, Watcher will get the mine ready today and after that, we can start digging. If the staring gets to you, just stay with Cadance and guard her. Well, after today. Right now, we’re going to a party.”

“...Very well. What is to be my purpose there?”

“Do your best to look intimidating enough as my guard that people don’t want to come talk to me. I doubt it’ll work, but it’s worth a try.”

“Intimidation is easy,” he replied, showing off his rather scary teeth.

“I don’t want to make it obvious. Now, I need to get dressed, get Taya, and go.”

It didn’t take me long to do any of those. Soon, the three of us were heading to the stupid event that none of us wanted to attend. It was already beginning to fill up slightly as we arrived, each citizen wanting a chance to meet the princess that was now apparently ruling over them for some reason.

And since she was currently flooded with visitors, some of them turned hungry eyes upon me. Actual hungry eyes, mind; it didn’t look like they had really made a habit of eating. Not even the naga’s overwhelming presence could protect me from the worst thing in the world: thankful citizens.

It took us nearly half an hour to get away from the worst of it. The thing that attracted the attention of the common people was the arrival of Twilight and her friends. They all seemed to be a lot happier and more willing to be approached, so everyone surrounded them instead, leaving me, Ames, and Taya to catch our breath.

“Why did we come to this, Daddy?” Taya asked, standing rather close to my leg.

“Because we had to,” I sighed, patting her head. “Or at least, I had to, and you decided to join me.”

“Company,” the naga mumbled, turning to face a newcomer. I sighed and did the same, ready to face the horrors once again.

What greeted my new gaze was definitely not a simple commoner, glowing from crystals or not. This mare had a considerably more noble bearing and the clothing she was wearing painted her as someone much more well-to-do. “Sir Navarone,” she said, bending her knees slightly.

To be nice or to be normal? Ugh. “My lady,” I answered with a nod. “How can I assist you?”

“Could we perhaps speak alone? Or at least, without your… guard.” She seemed rather disdainful of the poor naga, that’s for sure. I’m starting to think these crystal ponies are more than a little xenophobic.

“He is rather protective of me, and understandably so. There have been multiple attempts on my life. I’d rather him stay here. He is discreet and will stay silent.”

“Very well,” she answered, taking a second or two to eye him before looking back to me. “I come to you representing the noble houses here in the Crystal Kingdom. Each of the few surviving houses has a number of questions they would like to ask you.”

“Answering questions is easy,” I said with a shrug. “Ask away.”

“Do you know what Cadance is going to do with our city? She is the… spitting image of Sombra’s daughter, so no one questions her right to rule, but we still worry.”

“Back up, what? She looks like his daughter?”

She nodded. “Very much so. Since he exiled his family around the time he started going mad, we believe it’s probable that she is one of his descendants.”

“...Huh.” Props for Celestia on that one. “Well, I have no clue what she’s going to do. Ruling isn’t my job or my problem. She’s a decent sort with a relatively good head on her shoulders. A mite bit too trusting for her own good, but a few years of ruling will straighten that little problem out. I imagine she’ll do a decent enough job.”

“Hm. What of her husband, this Shining Armor?”

“He’s military. More muscle than brain. Nice enough, but she’s definitely the thinker of the two.”

“Good to know. And what of you, Sir Navarone? What is your place here?”

“I’m passing through. Heard a friend was in need and decided to stop to help. She’s still having problems, so I’m still here.”

“And your ship? Why does it leave and return?”

“Maybe you don’t realize this, but I eat meat. Or at least, I can. And so does some of my crew. There is no meat in the city. There is meat out in the countryside just waiting to be murdered and brought back.”

“...I see. What of the… ugh, dragons with you? What are their relation to you?”

“Do you guys have a problem with dragons or something? I’ve seen several tapestries and statues detailing fights with them. And I know Sombra’s journals—”

“You read Sombra’s journals?!” she broke in, almost hysterically.

“Yeah. Unfortunately, I couldn’t read the last one. It was destroyed. But I did get to read the others. Why?”

“It is no matter,” she immediately answered, recomposing herself quickly. “Yes, we have a rather negative history with dragons. It would not be incorrect to say we despise them. The two with you have been tolerated because they are with you. But that does not change the fact that we dislike them. What relationship do you have with Equestria?”

“A friendly one. Mostly. I stirred things up there and decided it might be best if I left. So here I am for now, or at least until I depart.”

“And this is your wife?” she asked, looking to Taya. I think all three of us flinched in shock at that. “No? My mistake. Daughter, perhaps?”

“...Yes. Why would you think she’s my wife?”

“She is the proper age for it. And anyone can tell that she is in heat.” Taya blushed slightly in either anger or embarrassment. “I just assumed. So she is unwed?”

“Yes, she most definitely is,” I answered.

“What is your price for her?” she asked, completely deadpan.

“What?!”

“She is attractive enough. I would be willing to pay well to marry her.” The shock on my face was just growing more and more. “I have blood relatives to give you grandchildren with her, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

At that point, what I’d prefer was to punch that bitch. If her face wasn’t made of crystals, that would have been my immediate reaction. However, the naga beat me to the figurative punch. “Times have changed, pony,” he growled, moving to loom over her. “Children are no longer bargaining chips and property.”

I calmed down very quickly when I realized why she was saying things like that. “Naga.” He backed away from her immediately. “He is mostly correct. Some nobles and kings use their children for political reasons or consider them property. I am neither noble nor king.”

“So times have changed,” the mare commented, nodding. “Being gone for a thousand or so years will do that. What new surprises await us, I wonder?” she rhetorically mused. “When do you imagine you will depart?”

“When I’m good and ready. And I very much suggest you and your noble friends keep your hooks out of Cadance until I’m gone. Don’t think I won’t be watching. I see you start digging, I’ll come down on you bastards. What you do when I’m gone isn’t my problem.”

“Understood. We need to consolidate power before we can do much anyway.”

Finally, people honest about their dishonesty. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“What of the princesses of Equestria?” she asked. “Are they still in power?”

“Celestia is. Luna just got arrested for reasons. You want details, ask someone else.”

“And these six mares here? Who are they and why are they here?”

“I really, really wish I could tell you. They definitely don’t belong here, that’s for damn sure. Don’t bother with them, either way. Not worth your time.”

“There are many that would say the same of you,” she commented, looking toward the six mares that were trying to keep a happy crowd placated. “At least they are ponies.”

“Xenophobia will not get you far in this new world,” I said, crossing my arms. She turned back to look at me, lifting a crystal eyebrow. “Peace rules. If you make an enemy of one race, you might make an enemy of several. Hate dragons if you desire; they’re rare enough anyway. But if you keep up that attitude, you’re going to piss off your neighbors to the south. You piss off the griffons, you can kiss those supply trains from Equestria goodbye. And if you make enemies of the changelings… Well, I don’t suggest it.”

“I will discuss that with the others. Now, my final question. What exactly are you?”

“Your worst nightmare when an enemy and your best friend when not. That’s the simplest and easiest description. And I very much suggest you remember it.”

“...Once again, understood. You are very persuasive, Sir Navarone. I almost feel sorry for your wife.”

“I’m not married.” I realized that was a mistake as soon as I said it. The surprised and pleased expression on her face wasn’t even needed. “Nor am I looking to get married,” I hastily added. “One of those dragons you despise so much keeps my bed warm, thank you.”

And there went the happy look. “I see. We might talk more later. For now, I have things to discuss with my group.”

“Good luck with that,” I said as she wheeled around to leave. She didn’t reply. “Fucking bitch,” I muttered, ruffling my feathers in distaste.

“I wonder how much she would have paid for me…” Taya mused, watching the lady walk away.

“Would never have been enough,” I replied, turning to the castle and starting to walk that way. “I’m done here. Stay if you want.”

A familiar feminine voice called, “Oh Navaroooone!” I ignored the shit out of Rarity and kept walking, pretending I didn’t hear her. “I know you heard me!” she called, much closer. I still just kept walking, hoping she wouldn’t bother catching up. “Don’t make me catch up to you, Nav!” Ugh. That’s it… “Oooh! That’s it!” Right as I turned to face her, she pounced to stop me somehow.

She couldn’t stop herself since she was already in mid-air and by the time I realized she was jumping, it was too late for me to back off. However, it was not too late for the naga to snatch her out of the air by her tail, holding her up to glare at her.

“Release me at once!” she demanded when she recovered. The naga snorted and looked to me.

Instead of doing what was probably the intelligent thing and telling him to set her down gently, I walked over to where I could see her face. “And just why were you following me?” I asked.

“Princess Cadance requested we keep you from leaving,” she answered. “Now put me down!”

“Did she have a specific reason why?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Of course. But she said it was a surprise.”

“Hm. Well, Cadance hasn’t really let me down yet. Drop her.” By the time Rarity’s head impacted the rather hard stone road, I was already walking back to the party.

“So why aren’t we leaving?” Taya sighed, still walking next to me.

“Because it’s best not to piss off the people in power,” I answered. “And to be fair, I did tell Cadance I would be here, like it or not. You’re free to go if you want, but remember that I’ll be here. Alone. Where anything could happen.”

She rolled her eyes and replied, “The naga would be here, daddy. And I’m not planning on leaving you. I know you’d misbehave without me here to make sure you’re being good.”

“You didn’t have to drop me!” Rarity yelled at the naga that was paying her just as much attention as I usually do. She continued muttering as we left her further behind to explore the party, but didn’t make any comments we cared about.

“What’s got her all up in a huff?” Rainbow Dash asked, dropping out of the sky to walk next to me.

“She’s on her period,” I replied with a shrug. “So what’s this surprise Cadance wants to give me?”

“I dunno. She didn’t tell any of us. So where did you find Gilda, anyway? Like, why’s she with you?”

“I figured I could use a quick flier. You were too invested in Equestria to come with me, so I asked her instead. She came by while I was bedridden and that’s when I asked her.”

“Whoa. You’ve been planning to leave for a while, haven’t you?”

“Yeah.”

She snorted and muttered, “Coulda told me.” There was no good answer to that, so I didn’t reply. After a few seconds, she asked, “What about Zecora?”

“I made a deal with her. If you want to know more, ask her. It’s not my business to say why she came, I don’t believe.”

“...If you say so. But… did you really have to take Spike?”

“No, I didn’t have to. But after what Rarity did to him and after a few conversations with him, I realized that he really needed to get out of Equestria, one way or another. This way he’ll be safe with me instead of traveling alone.”

“Are you really sure he needed to get out? He seemed fine to me and everyone else!”

“He was starting to get miserable. I could tell after just a few talks with him. Like it or not, a growing dragon doesn’t really fit in well in a peaceful pony place. He was already fighting against his nature when I decided to go. He just got worse ever since, so I finally decided to offer him a place with me. He accepted and Twilight was cool with it.”

“...How did you convince Twilight to let him go?”

“A smooth tongue, if you know what I mean.” She looked up in surprise and I just winked.

“Ugh. You’re so perverted!”

“I was joking, Dash. I just talked her into it. She did cry a little, but she agreed that it was probably for the best.”

“You are just… something, Nav,” she said, shaking her head.

“That’s not to say I haven’t fucked her, mind. We’ve done the horizontal tango a few times.”

“Daddy, please!” Taya said, glaring up at me. “You’re in polite company!”

“It’s hardly fit for impolite company,” the naga concurred.

“Oh relax,” Dash said, grinning. “Nav, can you write me up a list of everything you’ve slept with? I really want to see your record.”

“I’ll see if I can find a paper long enough,” I dryly answered. “Just remember that your name would appear on there, Dash. So don’t pretend I’m alone.”

“Hey, that was different!”

“Yeah, yeah. Tell me again about your clam jousting club?” She immediately turned bright red and looked away, stammering something. “Uh huh.”

“I have to go!” she quickly said, galloping off, seemingly fighting to keep her wings down.

“So easy,” I said with a giggle, looking away from the onlookers watching Dash in confusion.

“Daddy, you’re awful,” Taya said, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I know. Don’t follow my example, Taya.”

“Why not? I bet that lady would still be willing to pay…”

“Taya, I am a slut, not a whore. I don’t get paid for it, I just enjoy it. There is a huge difference.”

“...Does that make it okay?” she doubtfully asked.

“Well, I can’t get anyone pregnant. But just because it’s fun for a little while does not mean it’ll make you happy. Trust me as someone that has experienced it. There’s a reason I went for a relationship instead of boning everything on board.”

“Hmph.” She looked away, not saying anything.

It was at that point that I decided to look around the ‘party’, since I was surprised we hadn’t been stopped and talked to in a little while. It seemed that a good number of the common citizens had left after they spoke to everyone they wanted to talk to. Since I showed up early, many of them had already spoken to me and saw what a dick I was. The small number that hadn’t seemed to be wary of the naga since they no longer had such large numbers to bolster their confidence.

“How do you like my party?!” Pinkie asked from above us. I flinched around until I saw her on the naga’s back, piggyback riding him.

As soon as he realized he had an unwanted guest, he reached back to snatch her off. She dodged, sliding down his tail and having a giggle fit. When she was down next to his tail, he tried to slap her with it, but she jumped over it, smiling all the while. He tried that a few times before stopping.

“Aww, but the jump-tail was so fu—eep!” Didn’t miss that time.

“I do not give free rides,” he calmly said, glaring at Pinkie as she picked herself up from the bush she got knocked into.

“You coulda just said so!” she complained, shaking her head to knock all the leaves off her and returning her hair to its normal pristine poofiness.

The naga just snorted. Unfortunately, I knew getting rid of her wasn’t going to be that easy. Especially since she bounced over to me with a smile. “To answer your question,” I said, “the answer is no. This party isn’t enjoyable. Too many people and not enough corners to hide in.”

“Well that’s just silly! If you hide in a corner, how will you escape when they find you? Come on, Nav, this is simple pony-avoidance 101!”

“Cornered animals fight a lot harder,” I answered with a shrug. “And I prefer fighting to running. More in my nature, it seems.”

“If you say so,” she doubtfully said. But her happiness returned quickly enough. “Are you looking forward to your SURPRISE?!”

“No.”

“That’s too bad, because it’s happening now!”

“...What?”

“Everypony, can I have your attention?” Cadance called from a stage that seemed somewhat hastily set up. Oh God, it’s a public announcement.

I just sighed, hanging my head. “Let’s get closer!” Pinkie whispered, grabbing my hand and pulling me along. I went without fighting, knowing I would regret the coming moments no matter how I handled them.

It didn’t take too long for everyone in attendance to shut up and give her their attention. After all, they were probably used to Sombra doing awful things to them if they didn’t obey.

“First, I would like to thank you all for coming by. It was a great chance for me to meet you all and see how things stand in the kingdom. I will do my best to address the issues brought to my attention, but please understand that some things have to be taken slowly due to lack of resources.” Like a politician. We’ve trained her well. “Of course, it would be remiss of me to not celebrate those who had integral parts in allowing this to even take place.”

Pinkie jerked up a little straighter, smiling. “I knew somepony liked my party!” she whispered.

“I speak of Sir Navarone and Twilight Sparkle, of course,” Cadance said, making Pinkie completely deflate. Guess she thought she would get a name drop. “If the two of you would please come forward?”

Of the two of us named, I was the more immediately noticeable. Escaping would have been impossible. Fuck. So instead, I walked through the crowd, following the line that opened before me as the crystal ponies smiled and beckoned me forward. I saw another line forming a little ways away and knew Twilight was also walking forward, probably a lot more proudly than I was.

When we finally got up to the stage, Cadance continued, “Without the actions of these two, Sombra would have retaken the city. Navarone’s heroic actions and Twilight’s quick thinking saved the day. Because of their actions, they are both being awarded the title of Hero of the Crystal Kingdom!” God dammit. Cadance paused to let some light applause go on. “I would give them keys to the city, but… Well, there isn’t exactly any material to make them on hoof. But I have a feeling this isn’t the last we’ll see of either of them. The last bit of information should raise everypony’s spirits for sure. The supply train from Equestria is ahead of schedule and should be here some time tonight.”

That got even more applause from the crystal ponies, their claps echoing hollowly because of what they seemed to be made of. “Waste of my time,” I muttered quietly, hoping no one would hear it.

“Smile and nod,” Twilight whispered back.

When the applause ended again, Cadance continued, “We should be able to begin distributing everything in the morning, if all goes well. So rest well, my citizens. Tomorrow, your fast ends.”

“Another useless title to add to the rest,” I quietly said, spreading my wings to take off. However, my feet were suddenly wrapped in a light blue aura, trapping me to the ground as Cadance turned to face me.

“I wanted to thank you for taking the time for this, Nav,” she said, letting my feet go. “I know you really didn’t want to be here. And you definitely did your best to make that known, which is why I called for this announcement sooner so you could leave now instead of having to wait.”

“Thanks for that,” I replied with a nod. “Now, I’m off.”

“Have a good day,” Cadance called as I fled to Taya and the naga, who didn’t follow me when Pinkie dragged me off.

“Okay, now we’re leaving,” I said when I landed. “Let’s get out of here quickly before more people accost us.” To answer that, Taya’s horn lit up and the three of us teleported to her room in the palace. “...That’s one way to do it,” I said, looking around for a moment to catch my bearings. “And now we have the rest of the day off,” I said, stretching.

“I want to keep searching through these books,” Taya said, her horn lighting up and one of Sombra’s books floating to the bed.

“Then we’ll get out of your hair,” I said, walking to the door. “Thanks for going with me, Taya.”

“...You’re welcome, daddy.”

With that exchange, the naga and I let ourselves out. “Once again, I find myself with no tasks,” the naga said, clenching and unclenching his fists. “When was the last time we practiced?”

“It’s probably been too long. So you wanna fuck around and beat our thingies together?”

“It is more pleasurable than doing nothing. I suggest you prepare your body. It’s been a while and I’ll be rough.”

I smiled and answered, “Just the way I like it.”

When the airship got back, I could barely walk. I want to say I gave as good as I got, but the naga completely dominated me and loved every minute of it. Still, he enjoyed it, and keeping my crew placated is always important.

“What progress did you make?” I asked Watcher as he saluted.

“We’re ready to begin digging,” he answered. “The main room was more secure than we thought and required less restructuring. We did everything we needed and got some scouting done.”

“Excellent. I want us out of here again before dawn. Well, figurative dawn; the sun’s barely fucking gone down since we got here. But the supply train is coming tomorrow and I don’t want us getting bogged down with helping ferry supplies around. I’m tired of being in this damn kingdom.”

“Agreed. I’ll spread the word. Who do you want with us?”

“Assuming you didn’t find any hints of anything dangerous in your scouting trip, we’ll only need the diggers, people to carry heavy loads, and the pegasi.”

“So everyone we brought before?”

“Yeah. Shame we can’t bring the naga. His big, strong arms would be so nice…”

“...I think we’ll be fine with your dragon,” he said, taking a small step backwards.

“Eh, probably. Anything else to report?”

“No sir. Just a question. Did anything ever become of that book you found?”

“...Book? Which one? We’ve dealt with a bunch of them. Speaking of which, what did you find in Sombra’s last journal?”

“Nothing but insane rambling, descriptions of dark rituals, and things like that. There wasn’t anything useful. But I meant the book you got from the magic shop, the weird one.”

“Oh! I forgot about it, actually. I figured it was useless since the lady told me to wait for a—” Suddenly, realization struck me. Who else did I know that was more of a scholar than Twilight? “...I’ll wait a few days to deal with it. I really don’t want to get distracted when we should be digging. Just remind me after we find the elemental. Flo says it shouldn’t take us long to get to her.”

“Good. I’m ready to move on. The rest of the crew is feeling the same way, though they do like being in a friendly port.”

“Then rest well so you can dig quickly. And tell everyone to stay in the palace or on the ship so finding them all will be easier.”

“Yes sir. Until morning, then.”

“Until morning, Watcher.”

The next interruption I had came from a rather frantic Spike. I was just catching up on my journals when he barged in, his eyes wide in horror. “Nav, Taya just tried to seduce me!”

“What.” Before I realized what I was doing, I was on my feet, hands reaching for the sword I wasn’t wearing.

Spike blanched when he saw that, but he continued, “I was trying to sleep because Watcher said we were leaving early when she knocked on my door. Next thing I knew, she was kissing me!”

“...That’s… Did you kiss her back?”

“No! I knew you’d kill me!”

“What? Dude, no I wouldn’t. I mean, I can’t deny I was surprised at first and my immediate reaction might have been… unpleasant.” He eyed the hand that reached for the sword and I shrugged. “But sex isn’t a relationship. And hell, if she came to you, then it’s obvious you aren’t taking advantage of her. Though she’s kinda in heat, apparently.”

“But… she’s your daughter!”

“And? Sex is fun. It feels good for both parties. You can’t get her pregnant and I know you’d be careful, so there’s no real harm in letting the two of you have some mutual fun. That said, if you don’t want it, you don’t want it. If she keeps bothering you after you made it more than clear you aren’t interested, come to me. Until then, fuck if you want. Just make it very clear whether or not you’re interested in a relationship beforehand. I don’t want you to hurt her by making her feel used.”

He was… more than a little shocked by that. To be fair, I bet most people would have been. “You… You really just don’t care?”

“It’s not that I don’t care, Spike. But there are things that I can’t teach her. There are things she would ignore when it comes from me or anyone else. Sex is a lesson she has to learn for herself. Having a partner that I know would be gentle would help and would put me at ease. I know you wouldn’t take advantage of her, so you can teach her safely and show her a good time. And of course, not get her pregnant.”

“Do… do you want me to… have sex with her?”

“I want you both to be comfortable. What you two want is all that matters. If she wants to go behind my back and sleep around, she’ll do it. No amount of me scolding or begging will change that. I will have a talk with her, don’t get me wrong, but if you want to go for it, go for it. If you don’t want to, don’t. Just use your brain.”

“I’m trying! I just… I can’t understand how you’re okay with this!”

“Then don’t understand. Just do it or don’t. Just know that if you do something to hurt her, I’ll do the same thing to you.”

He was silent for a few very long seconds before I just realized what I implied.

“God fucking dammit, you know what I meant! Although I do have the gender stones still…”

“...So you really don’t mind?” he slowly said.

“I really don’t. If you want to, go for it. If you don’t want to, don’t. If you make it clear you aren’t interested and she keeps pestering you, let me know.”

He sighed and nodded. “I’m… going back to bed. I doubt I’ll get any sleep, though…”

“And I have a daughter to track down. Do you know where she went?”

“No. I was in a hurry to get away…”

“I’ll find her. I have all night, after all.” And so the two of us went our separate ways. He seemed rather more reluctant to part company than I was, which makes sense given that he was probably nervous about running into Taya.

My first stop was, of course, her room. No luck. And so began my long exploration of the castle, doing my absolute best to find her. After nearly an hour of searching, I found her in Doppel’s room. The changeling, of course, looked extremely nervous as she attempted to comfort my daughter.

Thankfully, it seemed that Taya was more angsty than sad over it. Angst, I can handle. Tears are just… bad. When I stepped inside, Doppel gulped and immediately said, “It wasn’t my fault!”

“I’m not mad.” She breathed a sigh of relief. It was at that point that I realized I had absolutely no idea what to say. “I spoke with Spike.”

“What did he tell you?” Taya asked, glaring at the floor.

“That you tried to seduce him.”

“What about it?” she asked, transferring her glare to me.

“I’m here to tell you to go for it if you want. Just know that you will find no lasting happiness in nothing but sex. It’s fun. By all means, enjoy it. But beware the pitfalls. Sex addiction is possible. Look at me and Doppel. I was addicted and when I got hurt, I was extremely snappy because I couldn’t get it. Doppel’s addicted and she’s a total fucking slut that probably has at least three partners a day. No offense, of course.”

“Eh, it’s true. Though three is low,” the changeling said.

“Of course, you’re in heat,” I said, continuing. “I understand your craving. So like I said, go for it. But if Spike doesn’t want it, carefully think about who you go for next. You do not want to get pregnant. And I do not want you to get pregnant. So either find a way to protect yourself or keep trying other races. Not the naga, though; he’s married and would probably split you in half.”

“Why can’t I make you angry?!” Taya yelled, glaring at me. Doppel and I were both quite surprised at her sudden tone shift.

“Taya, you do make me angry. But why would this make me mad? And hell, why do you want me to be mad? Getting angry doesn’t do anything, especially not over something like this. You have an itch you want scratched. I can’t say it’s wrong because I do it all the time. I’m no hypocrite.”

Taya huffed and looked away. “I can’t believe you don’t even care,” she said.

“I do care. I just trust you. And I’m not stupid. If I tell you not to do it, you’ll want it even more. I’ll tell you the same thing I told Spike, though: I trust the people I have with me. And there are some things I can’t teach you. If I can’t, I’d rather it be someone that I trust than someone I don’t know. You’re young and by human standards it would probably be illegal, but the law was never really based on common sense.”

“Wish my parents were like that,” Doppel idly said. I wish I had parents.

“I just… UGH!” Taya teleported away, leaving me and Doppel very, very confused.

“What happened?” I asked.

Doppel sighed. “You used logic, Nav. And I used empathy. To an angry teenage mare… Well, she probably really wanted you to yell so she would have a reason to feel so angry.”

“But I was just… A few hours ago she was fine!”

“She’s young and in heat,” Doppel replied with a shrug. “First she got denied by Spike. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he refused because of you. So she was doubly angry and she wanted you to give her a real reason to feel that way.”

I sighed, slowly lowering my head into my hands, massaging my temples. “I just… This is the one time that I really, really wish I could talk to my mom. God, what am I supposed to do about this? Let her seethe? Try to reason with her?”

“I dunno. My parents just sent me to the pain chamber. That obviously didn’t work. So don’t torture her, I guess.”

“...I thought Chrysalis didn’t send any changelings there.”

“She doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean other changelings can’t send others there. She prefers a more… hooves-on approach to hurting others.”

“Huh. Well, I need to go find Taya again, I suppose.”

“You really shouldn’t,” Flo said when I was out.

“About fucking time you showed up,” I said. “The hell were you waiting for?”

“There was nothing you could really do about this one, Nav. And you were handling it perfectly well… if you were speaking to someone with no emotions. Give her time. That’s all you can really do right now.”

I hate being a parent.

“I know, Nav. But there are plenty of good things about it. You can’t deny that.”

“Yeah… Shit, man. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t just start writing again.”

“Take your frustration out on dreams. Find a nice nightmare and just go to town.”

“...Not a bad id—What are you staring at?” I asked a passing servant that was eyeing me. He jumped and sprinted away. “That’s what I thought, bitch.”

“These things tend to happen when you talk to yourself in the open,” Flo commented as I walked back to my rooms.

“Yeah. I regret nothing.”

Instead of hitting up nightmares first, I decided to reread some journal entries to try to glean anything I could about Taya that might help me deal with her later. While I was reading, I found a tidbit of information that made me feel like an idiot, in some ways.

When I went back in time, I got a lot of stuff. The gun, bullets, a laptop… I forgot about some things, somehow. Some things that would probably have been really useful.

I had a fucking radio set. “How did I forget about this for so long?”

“Stress,” Flo answered. “I didn’t really think about them either. Well, now you know about them.”

“...Yeah.”

We left around six in the morning. Kumani was rather bleary-eyed, but the crew and soldiers seemed fine. The miner didn’t seem to be paying much attention to anything around him, but I honestly didn’t care as long as he was useful.

Taya did not join us.

Finding the spot was simple, since there was a tarp over the entrance to the mine. Apparently Jak managed to rig up a very simple elevator, but it required people actually holding ropes at the top and lowering it manually.

I left one of the radios at the top and flew down, leading two pegasi. We were going to check on the bottom, make sure it was all clear still. We got down to find that it was, indeed, clear.

“Looks good,” I radioed up. “Start sending people down.”

“By the sands, that scared me!” Kat answered. “You didn’t tell me how loud it would be!”

“You can mess with the sound settings later. You’re the only one up there with fingers that also wouldn’t accidentally crush the thing. Tell Watcher we’re good.”

“Alright. See you at the bottom.” With that, the radio fell silent and I slid it in a pocket.

“So how far in did you guys explore?” I asked the two guards with me.

“Not very,” one of them answered. “These tunnels are like a warren. We didn’t want to get lost.”

“Understandable. Not like there’s anything we care about down here. What about the other power switches? Any of them work?”

“We didn’t try any,” the other one answered. “The lights work and that’s all that matters.”

“...Alright.” We were silent for a few seconds before I said, “I hate standing around like this. Name a topic.”

“Mares,” one guard immediately said.

“That’s a topic I can get behind,” the other one replied with a smirk. And so the three of us shot the shit about women while we waited. It was interesting.

Have you ever watched something happen for six hours with almost nothing to break the monotony? Even something as cool as explosions gets old after that long. And even fucking Kumani could only keep me distracted for so long. I have no clue how the guards managed to just stand around doing nothing for that long.

But finally… “We hit ice!” one of the unicorns called.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, running over to the hole and immediately wincing back because of the heat. From the small glance I got, I could tell the hole was about fifty or so feet deep. “Stop for now, let the heat die down. I don’t want to risk melting what we came here for.”

Of course, they had stopped anyway when they hit the ice, but this way they wouldn’t continue. Still, I was finally excited. It’s about fucking time!

“Cutting through ice is different,” the miner said, looking down the hole. “If you melt it, you have to deal with the water. If you vaporize it, you have to deal with the vapor. Cutting through it and then removing it is the best option. But to do that we’d have to enlarge the hole and then ferry the chippings up here.”

“We have magic,” Watcher said. “We can melt it and bring the water up here. This room is large enough that we can just toss it in one area and forget about it. We’re just waiting on Nav.”

“What is down there, anyway?” the miner asked. “I can’t imagine what could interest you so much. I thought we got everything out of this old mine already.”

“Not the most important thing,” I replied. “You might find out when we get it. I’m just happy there weren’t any more damn crystals down there.”

“That’s why we didn’t go deeper,” he said with a nod. “Nothing of value.”

“Eh. Kumani, can you get me down there? You’re immune to hellish heat.”

She hopped up from where she had been lying and walked over to look down. “Too smooth to climb, too narrow to fly. We’d need a rope.”

“No, you’d need a chain,” Watcher said. “Which we brought a few of, to pull a block of ice out.” His horn lit up and one flew over from the pile of equipment. “Be careful.” He slammed a spike into the ground and attached the chain to it, letting it fall to the bottom of the hole.

Kumani and I walked to it and after a few seconds to figure out how to proceed down, we quickly descended. The heat was stifling, but not actually dangerous unless I was touching any of the surfaces directly. Since I had Kumani to do that for me, it wasn’t a problem. “What do you think?” she asked when we were at the bottom.

Flo?

“I can feel her… Go down seven more meters and then stop. You want to cut smoothly along the hole’s walls down for three meters and then bring that chunk up.”

“Excellent. We’re close. Very close. Kumani, get us back up.”

“You could say please,” she grumbled, going to the rope.

“I’ll pay you in kisses,” I replied as she started climbing.

“I can agree to that.”

When we got to the top, I relayed the instructions to Watcher. Soon, the process began again, though it was much faster this time. Every meter down, some of the melted ice was ferried to the top and just casually thrown aside. Around the four meter mark, someone noticed something…

“Where’s the miner?” Kat asked.

“What?” I said, looking around. “He’s not… Oh fucking hell, where is he?” He most definitely wasn’t with us, that’s for sure. “Did anyone see him leave?”

One of the guards spoke up, “He said he was going to the barracks, sir. I figured he just wanted to see something.”

“God dammit. Watcher, keep going. I’m gonna go make sure that guy’s alright.”

I walked over to the barracks alone, because I really didn’t need anyone to hold my fucking hand just to get there. But when I arrived to the room, it was noticeably lacking any miners. “Really?”

“Look around,” Flo said. “See if he left any clues.” I started looking around, grumbling about the stupidity of civilians. The room was very unsurprisingly bare of any useful hints.

When I got back to the main group, he still wasn’t there. The unicorns were back at work. “The miner fucking disappeared,” I called out. “If he isn’t back when we finish here, we’ll have to look for him.”

“Then let’s hope he gets back,” Watcher said, looking around briefly before getting back to work.

It didn’t take much longer for their work to be done. Very soon, a large chunk of ice with a very yellow center was lifted from its icy dungeon, chains attached to the top.

“Don’t eat the yellow ice,” one of the guards muttered when he saw it.

“Why yellow?” one of them asked.

“It’s fear,” I answered, putting a hand on the block. “Say you were about to be imprisoned for who knows how long. How would you react? To be frozen in that moment for so long…” I pulled my hand back, shaking my head. “Anyone seen the miner?” Much to my disappointment, no one had.

“Fucking hell. Kumani, get topside. Start pulling this ice up. We’ll melt her back in the kingdom. Everyone else, squads. We’re going miner hunting.”

“We could just leave him,” Kumani replied with a shrug. “I mean, it’s not like we need him again.”

“Humans leave no one behind,” I answered, trying to keep the hint of anger out of my voice. “It’s a long way to the top, Kumani. I suggest you start climbing.” She just shrugged and jumped up, flying to the top before starting her slow ascent. “Unicorn in every group. Watch the dust. If it’s not broken at all, he’s probably not down that hole. Come back and try again. You find him, shoot a light back to the main room. Two unicorns stay here, shoot lights down the tunnels if someone finds him.” The guards all broke into their squads and started going down various tunnels, leaving me with Kat, Watcher and his squad, and the three unicorns we had from the ship.

“We probably won’t find him,” Watcher said.

“I know. But if there’s the chance…” I looked to the unicorns that would stay behind. “In five hours, call everyone back anyway. I don’t want to leave him, but I’m not staying in this place past when it should be dark.” They both nodded. “Kat, Sunny, with me. Watcher, move out.”

We broke off, picking a tunnel at random to go down. Watcher did the same.

“I really don’t like tunnels,” Kat said as she walked down the clear middle of the hall, over the rails.

“They’re not too bad,” Sunny replied. “Though I’m used to being inside.”

“I’m not,” I said. “I hate it down here, too. Cold, dark even with the lights, enclosing. Hardly any room to stretch my wings. Can’t believe that fucking miner wandered off.”

“I can,” Sunny quietly replied. “Bad memories. He’s been through a lot. Sometimes you just have to… get away. Or maybe return to the site of the trauma. I know sometimes a few of us just go to the cargo holds and just sit.”

“...True.” A dark silence took over as we walked, but I got sick of that quickly. “Anyone see signs of him?”

“There are tracks,” Kat said. “But they might be from the guards. It’s hard to tell.”

“Then we’ll keep going until there aren’t anymore. Hopefully it’ll end with a miner. Then I can punch him in the throat and tell him to stop his shit.”

“Bad idea,” Kat said. “He’s all crystally.”

“I’ll figure something out. Let’s talk about… I don’t know, give me a topic. I don’t want to walk down here in silence.”

“Stallions?” Sunny suggested.

“Nav’s a guy,” Kat flatly said.

“Hey, I’ve fucked a stallion,” I said. “That entitles me to talk about them!”

“...That is so hot,” Sunny replied. “You bottomed, right?”

“God dammit, really? No, I pounded his ass.” Mares, I swear.

Of course, then they wanted to know the whole (or hole) story. As I regaled them with the tale, I noticed that it was slowly getting warmer as we walked further in. It wasn’t until I saw a light in the distance that I mentioned it, though. “You two see that?” I asked, nodding ahead.

“I do,” Kat said. “I don’t remember the scouts mentioning anything like that, though.”

“Are there still tracks?” Sunny asked.

“Yeah,” Kat said, kneeling down to check. “They look… off, though. Like he was in a hurry.”

“Well, we’re not. I don’t really want to start running toward heat, not in this cold weather gear. Fucker can wait.”

“You’re not even interested in the light?” Kat asked.

“Nah. There’s a saying back in my world. Curiosity killed the cat.”

“...I don’t like that saying,” Kat replied.

“I didn’t think you would.” Sunny was giggling at it, though. Together, the three of us walked closer and closer until we could tell that the light ahead was actually a flame. “What the hell is that idiot doing? Does he want to fill this damn place with smoke?”

“At least it’s warmer,” Kat said.

When we finally got to the fire, though… It wasn’t just a small fire. It was a furnace. A fucking massive one. And standing before it was the miner, just staring into the flames.

“Dude, we’re leaving,” I called. “Get away from the damn fire and let’s go.”

He didn’t reply.

“Ugh.” I walked up to him and got rather close before stopping, realizing that he was bleeding. “...What happened?”

“I can hear them,” he rasped. “Hear them calling. Hear their unceasing call to join them in the flames… Oh frost, I shouldn’t have come!”

I took a slow step forward, realizing I might be dealing with a crazy. “It’s not too late to go. We got what we came for. You can be on the first lift out and never see this place again.”

“It was too late as soon as I set hoof in here.”

“They can’t stop you. They’re dead. You’re not. Whatever they’re saying, just ignore them. They have no power over you.”

The miner slowly turned his head to me and that’s when I realized that I just might have been wrong: Both of his eyes were just empty sockets. “They won’t let me leave. Not this time, not again.”

“Oh God… How did this…” Before I could even think to react, a shovel slammed into my chest from nowhere, pushing me back. Kat and Sunny both jumped forward but were pushed back by the handles of shovels. “What—”

“Help me,” the miner whispered before more tools knocked his legs out from under him, sending him to his belly. Two picks slammed through his back legs and he was swung around before being dragged into the furnace. He made no sound until he hit the flames and the entire time, his empty sockets were just staring me down.

But when he entered the furnace, the shrieks began… until the slamming and locking of the furnace door shut them off. The smell, though… The smell of burning fur and flesh still leaked through.

“Holy shit.”

“By the sands…”

“Sweet Celestia!”

At our exclamations, the mining tools fell to the ground and the furnace immediately shut down, the flames instantly dying away. I fell to my knees, my mouth gaping, completely unable to comprehend what I just saw.

Before I could stop her, Kat dashed to the furnace door and pulled it open. There was nothing inside but ash. She slowly pulled away from it, just backing away.

“I… I think… we should leave,” I slowly said, standing.

“I… yeah,” Sunny said, her eyes unable to leave the open furnace door.

Kat just started running. The two of us didn’t take long to join her.

When we got back, the ice block was gone and only the two unicorns were in the main room. They seemed rather surprised at our noisy entrance. “What happened?” one asked.

“Yeah,” the other said. “You guys look like you saw a ghost or something!” All three of us flinched. “Haha, what? You guys get spooked over something?”

“Call everyone back,” I quickly said.

“You find him?” the first one asked.

“Call them back,” I just said again.

It might have been the… haunted look on my face, but he seemed to catch the mood and nodded, his horn lighting up. Together, the two of them sent the signal down all the tunnels. It took another fifteen minutes for all the guards to get back.

“Who found him?” Watcher said as his group, the last, exited the tunnels.

“We did,” I answered. “And I want everyone out of this mine right the fuck now. Teleport, fly, climb ropes. Get us all out!”

“By the night… Evacuation plan! You know what to do!” All four of his squad’s unicorns lit their horns up, teleporting away. Since most of them didn’t have the strength to get to the very top, I had no idea where they were going. While they were doing that, the pegasi grabbed the earth ponies and started flying out. “Now what happened?” Watcher asked me.

“The dead happened,” I answered. “The miner was right. And he paid the price.”

“That poor, poor bastard,” he sighed. “Get out as quickly as you can.” He looked to the unicorns from the crew, two of whom seemed confused. “Teleport out. If you can’t get to the top, teleport up the tunnel and keep teleporting until you get to the top. I’ll see you topside.” His horn lit up black and he was engulfed in a green flame, completely disappearing.

“Kat, up the rope first. You can climb faster,” I said.

“Hold on,” Sunny broke in. “Watcher doesn’t know a few techniques we picked up. Pool up.” The three unicorns moved closer. Sunny’s horn lit up and an aura surrounded the other two. A few seconds later, all five of us were standing at the top. “Easy enough,” she breathed, tired after casting a spell that none of the three of them could manage on their own. “Just takes combining energy. Very worth it.”

“What happened?” Kumani asked, running over to us.

“I do not want to talk about it,” I answered, my eyes unwillingly going to the hole.

“It couldn’t have been that bad,” she said, pulling me close.

“It was,” Kat answered for me.

“It definitely was,” Sunny added, reinforcing my silence.

“It’s not important,” I finished, pushing away from Kumani. “I want this ice chunk loaded onto the ship, everyone! The sooner we get back, the better. Watcher, find some way to plug this fucking hole once everyone gets out.”

“Yes sir,” he answered, nodding. Four loud pops around us made me jump, but then I realized it was just Watcher’s unicorns reaching the top. Gonna have to tell Taya about that trick.

“How do we get it up?” Jak asked, walking over to me. “It would be… difficult to do it the way we got it here.”

“We don’t have to get it all the way onto the ship,” I answered. “If you can find a way to secure it on the wooden platform it’s on, you can let it hang freely under us.”

“Ah…” He looked over to the ice chunk for a few moments, thinking. Eventually he said, “Simple enough. You mind if I cut some of the ropes?”

“Do whatever you have to do. Just get it done quickly. I do not want to be next to this hole for long.”

“Aye, I understand. SMILES! Stop fiddling around and get over here!” The batpony flinched from where he had been standing and doing nothing, galloping over to Jak. I just walked away, not seeing any more need for myself there.

For better or worse, walking away brought me right back to Kumani’s grasp. “Whatever it was, I won’t let it get you,” she said, holding me.

“I don’t think anything could protect against what we just saw,” I quietly said, letting myself be held. “Right now…” I sighed, pushing away from her once again. “Right now I need to be strong. What would the troops think if their leader can’t even handle something?”

“You shouldn’t push yourself,” she said, once again letting me go without much of a fight. “You aren’t a soldier, not trained.”

“Not conventionally.” I took a deep breath, letting the silence and deep chill soothe me for a moment as I forced the trauma down. It didn’t take that long before I had it all out of the forefront of my mind and I was once again in control. “We have a job to do.”

“That’s unhealthy,” Flo whispered.

Unless you feel like taking over so I can freak out without drawing attention to myself, I don’t care if it’s unhealthy.

Kumani shook her head. “Come to me when you’re ready. But don’t think I won’t be watching. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

“And I don’t want me hurting myself either. There are plenty of others out there in a line to do it. We can talk later, in private. And you can comfort me all you want. But for now, I’m over it.”

She didn’t answer as I turned around, trying to find anything to do.

Within the half hour, we were on our way back to the city, the elemental gently swinging around below us. Smiles was given the unwanted task of making sure she didn’t fall off the side, so he was holding on down there, probably shivering his balls off.

Kumani, of course, dragged me down to her room. I relayed the tale of what happened to the poor miner, trying to recapture as many details as I could. It felt… nice to have someone to discuss it with. Someone to confide in, I suppose.

When we got back to the city, I had the elemental lowered to the big festival area. It brought quite a large crowd, as none of them knew what the fuck it was, but I honestly didn’t care. They could ask all the questions they want. As long as no one answered them, it didn’t bother me.

As soon as it was lowered, we began transporting it. It took several unicorns to fly it into the castle proper, where I had them ferry it to one of the big meeting halls with no carpet.

“What now?” Kumani asked when it was in place.

“Now, Watcher and I stay here to slowly thaw it out. Everyone else, wait outside and make sure nobody gets in.”

“What? Why?” she asked.

“Because she was afraid when this happened. If she’s been frozen in that moment for this long, she’ll probably be afraid when she gets out. I don’t want to overwhelm her with new faces. It’s best that it’s just a servant of her sister that greets her when she’s freed. And word might spread that we’re in here with a chunk of ice. I don’t want anyone getting in here to ask questions.”

“...Alright.” The others had already left at that point, leaving just me, her, and Watcher. “If you call, I’ll come right away.”

“Then I’ll see you soon, Kumi.” She nodded and stole a quick kiss before walking to the door. “You ready for this, Watcher?”

“Yes. Hopefully. You’re sure she won’t be violent?”

“No clue. Flo thinks she won’t be or that she’ll realize we’re friendly. And either way, it’s a risk we have to take.”

“Then let’s do it.”

His horn lit up and the room began to heat up, centered around the elemental.

I settled down to wait, wondering what new excitements this would bring.

Chapter Ninety-Eight—On the Road Again

Chapter Ninety-Eight—On the Road Again

“So what do you expect?” Watcher asked as the room slowly heated up.

“Again, I honestly don’t know. Waters aren’t supposed to be violent, but she was trapped in Sombra’s mind for a while, not to mention whatever the hell happened before she was frozen.”

“You never did explain that history very well,” he commented.

“I know. Hopefully, this elemental will be able to do that for us. Assuming, of course, she’s not violent.”

“The one you have didn’t tell you anything?”

“Oh, she did. But it’s always good to have more than one account.”

“True… So what happened in the mine? Honestly?” I explained it quickly for him. “Unpleasant. And a shame. Should we ever have to dig again, you’ll have to find a new miner.”

“Yeah.” Not to mention the fact that it was my fault the poor guy got killed, but I’ve been down the road of self-blame before. “So how long do you think this’ll take?”

“Depends. To completely thaw out, probably an hour. To get enough of it thawed for it to do anything, probably about—” Before he could finish talking, a long column of water shot out from the ice cube and slammed into my face.

Instead of knocking me down or breaking anything, it sucked my face in, surrounding my entire head in very frigid water. I panicked and breathed in, sucking some of the elemental inside of me, but Flo immediately took control of my body, lobbing me back into my mind.

“What the hell just happened?!” I shouted in my mind, trying to slow my heart-beat.

“I’m communicating,” Flo answered. “Wait.”

“If she kills me, I’m going to be very upset,” I warned, sitting on a chair that suddenly appeared under me. Flo didn’t reply, which was probably for the best. After all, she was in the middle of saving me. Distracting her would be a poor decision.

Not too long later, she said, “I have pacified her for now. I’m giving you back control.”

Less than a second later, I blinked and was in my own body. My head was wet, but the elemental was no longer attacking me. Instead, the column she was controlling, still connected to the ice, stared at me with a human face.

“Sir?” Watcher asked.

“Continue thawing,” I tried to say, but my voice was fucked from the water. I coughed a few times and tried again, more successfully. He nodded and began working again. “Aqua, is it?” I asked the elemental.

“Yes,” she replied, her voice thick and unclear. “I read much from you, Navarone. Things of consequence, of much concern. You would use us.”

“For your intended purpose,” I shot back, crossing my arms.

“Our… intended purpose? You know not why we were created.”

“Humanity has a single goal in mind for everything we make: Serve humanity. We made you. Your purpose is to serve us toward some goal. That goal can be repurposed.”

“More discussions on this will be had later,” Aqua answered. “Where is Sombra?”

“Dead.”

“I feared as much… When he ripped my essence out of himself, I knew there was no longer anything I could do… Chaos and darkness had his mind. And yet… I can still feel myself nearby.”

“We can find the rest of you after we get you free,” I replied. “Why would you be afraid that Sombra was dead? That dude was a total dick.”

“He started his reign as perhaps one of the most loving and brilliant rulers that ever graced the pony kind. But dark times led to brutal measures. And I fear that I may have had a part in that… Above my prison were crystals, put in place by the element of chaos when I was imprisoned. Some of those crystals had a corrupting influence, and they wormed their way into his mind. I did not notice until it was too late.”

“That sucks. So what are you going to do when we free you?”

“I see that my sister has had little influence upon your mind.”

“Not for lack of trying, I assure you.”

“Disappointing… But to answer your question, I will seek out my sisters in the ocean.”

Flo whispered, “Allow me a few moments, Nav.” I shrugged and let her take over, setting up some screens to watch from my eyes. “Sister.”

“Flo,” the elemental answered.

“Despite what my host seems to think, there are other reasons that it is imperative to gather the elementals together again. Chaos is still alive and active. If it can be killed, we need to band together as elementals to do so.”

“Such a thing would be difficult,” Aqua said.

“But not impossible. We found you, after all. And Navarone has also found an air elemental that follows us without much contact. She can be used for the fires.”

“It will take convincing the others, even if I do agree to it.”

“There is an elemental free in the south. If we allow you to have congress with our sisters in the water, we can get to the elemental there and convince her to join us as well. With two of our sisters back with the pack, they can be convinced that it is a possible endeavor. Like this or not, we must do it.”

“...I will think on it, after you provide me with more evidence. I gleaned some from his mind, but not everything. Much of what I obtained was filth.”

I chuckled in my mind, muttering, “Hope you choked on it, bitch.”

“Yes,” Flo dryly said. “Imagine living it. It has been an interesting few years.”

“Don’t you dare pretend to be innocent,” I said. “I know what you did with Doppel!”

“I would prefer not to imagine it,” Aqua answered. “But a host is a host. We shall talk more later, with fewer witnesses.”

“Sombra instilled paranoia in you, sister,” Flo said, trying to put as much kindness into my voice as she could. “You are among friends. There is no reason to guard your words.”

“I would still prefer to speak with you in private for some time before talking with the others.”

“That is, of course, your right,” Flo replied with a shrug. “Navarone, take back over.”

I did so with a blink. Watcher said, “We should hurry this up, if you want to keep it secret. Someone might well question it.”

“True. Aqua, can we speed up the melting process without hurting you?”

“Elementals cannot feel pain,” she answered. “But if you are worried about damaging me, just do not use enough heat to create vapor. Why would you desire to hide me?”

“Politics,” I answered. “Watcher, heat her up. The sooner we can get her on the ship, the sooner we can get on our way again. I’m tired of these damn crystals everywhere.”

“Better than freezing while digging,” he replied, his horn glowing slightly brighter. “Do you have a plan for an excuse if anyone finds us?”

“Fuck ‘em. They find us, they find us. I’m not going to lie. Celestia’s powerful, but it’s too late to stop us now. We have one free, and that’s all that matters.”

“You speak of politics,” the elemental slowly said, waving her head slightly to the side. “Are you a noble? A lord?”

“Nah. I work for a living,” I said. Watcher snorted. “Okay, fine. But the point remains that I’m not a noble. But that isn’t to say the games they play don’t concern everyone else. And let’s just say I have particular cause to avoid those games. Watcher, how long should this take?”

“This isn’t normal ice,” he said. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Once enough of me is free, I can begin assisting,” she added. “What actually happened to Sombra? How did he meet his end?”

“Explosively,” I replied with a shrug. “When I got here, he was trying to break in and start oppressing people again. So we set out to stop him. Unfortunately, we were just a little bit too late and he broke through the big shield thing. I challenged him to a duel to buy some time. We fought some, I kicked his ass, he got all pissy that he lost, then the people I was doing the distraction for got their shit together and cast the spell that blew his ass up. The end.”

“That is a shame,” she sighed.

“Not really. Dude was a fucking dick. But whatever.”

I had a feeling that she was about to reply when the double-doors to the chamber blew off their fucking hinges. Before I even registered what happened, I was facing that way with my gun raised. In walked Princess Cadance, head held high. “Hello, Navarone,” she warmly said, continuing to walk in. Twilight followed in behind her, looking at the doors in awe. Of my crew, there was no sign.

“Cadance,” I replied with a nod, slinging my rifle. “I can’t imagine those doors will be cheap to replace.”

“I’m sure I’ll manage. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about some members of your crew telling me I couldn’t enter, do you?”

“I’m afraid not,” I said, shrugging.

“They said they were following your orders,” she flatly replied, dropping the smile.

“Interesting. Well, I’m sure you have a kingdom to run…” I said, smiling.

“I do. My kingdom. I suggest you remember that before attempting to tell me where I can and cannot go. I consider us friends, Navarone. Friends don’t hide things from friends.”

“That is bullshit and you know it! Relationships are built on a very delicate balance of lies and truths. You’re hiding things from Shiny and he’s hiding some from you. And I know Twilight’s been hiding shit from me just as I’ve been hiding stuff from her. Be mad at me if you want, but don’t come spouting that sentimental crap at me.”

“Hey!” Twilight butted in. “That’s not crap! It’s—”

“Don’t change the subject!” Cadance said. “What is this, Nav?”

“Water elemental,” I said. “Now leave us be. The sooner I can get her melted, the sooner we can leave this kingdom.”

“That explains things… Is she safe?”

“I am,” the elemental answered, using some of her newly freed mass to extend out to my shoulder, where she hovered next to me.

“It can talk,” Twilight whispered, her eyes widening in wonder.

“Yep,” I said. “Now if you’d just get out of our hair, we’ll go back to melting her so we can leave.”

“I want to know everything about you!” Twilight said, trotting closer and staring at the elemental.

“And I have no desire to talk or be studied,” Aqua said, shrinking backwards so she was closer to the ice. “Leave me be.”

“But just think of what we can learn from each other!” Twilight yelled, getting even closer.

“I do not need to speak to learn from you,” Aqua replied. “I could merely sink into your mind and know everything.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth,” I muttered.

“Could you put information into my head while you’re doing it?” Twilight asked.

“No, but we could talk in your mind.”

Twilight squeed and immediately said, “I want you inside of me!”

The elemental pulled back farther away. “Waters are usually very selective of our hosts. I do not even know you. I have no interest in adopting you.”

“But… the knowledge! Think of what we could share!”

“I learned all I cared to learn about pony culture from my time in Sombra.”

“You knew Sombra?” Cadance asked, stepping forward.

“I did,” Aqua confirmed. “But again, I have no desire to speak of it.”

Cadance looked my way. “Hey, don’t look at me. She didn’t tell me nothin’ either.”

“She… ‘didn’t tell you nothing’?” Cadance asked, mimicking my speech. “Or she didn’t tell you anything?”

“The second one. Sometimes my old accent kicks in. You should know that by now. So what did you do with my crew?”

“Suspended animation,” Cadance answered. “Why are you hiding things?” she asked the elemental.

“Because they are not your business,” Aqua said. “And until I know whether I can trust any of you, I believe I shall keep my knowledge to my sister and myself.”

“Sister?” Twilight asked.

“That’s enough, Twilight,” I said. “She doesn’t want to answer your questions.” The purple mare didn’t seem overly happy about that. “Cadance, I trust this isn’t going to be an issue?”

“You tried to hide this from me,” she said.

“Not you in particular. And hell, it’s not like it matters. Once she gets free of that ice, we’re probably going to leave. The only consequence to you will be that broken door and some water on the floor. Oh, and the miner that was murdered by ghosts.”

“...What?”

“That mine is crazy haunted. I watched that poor guy get dragged into a furnace after having both of his eyes ripped out. It was… awful.”

Her eyes seemed to lose focus for a moment before she said, “Repeat that.”

“It’s somewhat saddening that you don’t trust me enough to take my word for it.” Her horn lit up, revealing the obvious lie. “Just checking. Yeah, that miner was murdered by ghosts.” Her horn stopped glowing. “And man, it really was horrifying… If I dreamed anymore, I’d probably have nightmares about it.”

“I will have somepony seal the mine for good,” Cadance said. “It is for the best.”

“Why does nopony want to investigate anything anymore?” Twilight asked. “Nav’s mentioned ghosts before, but this is my first chance to ever study one! Why can’t the girls and I go learn about them?”

Cadance beat me to the obvious answer. “Because they murdered somepony, Twilight! You can’t fight ghosts. You can’t reason with them. If they want vengeance, they will get it. If they don’t want to be studied, they won’t let themselves be studied. If you went into that mine, you would put yourself and everypony who went with you in danger. Navarone and his crew are full of trained soldiers and even they seemed horrified by what happened. If you want to study ghosts, find a few that do not want to harm anypony. Don’t study those that are out for blood!”

“And besides,” I added, “they seemed to have left after they killed the miner. They all just up and vanished. Now seriously, are you two going to leave us alone to finish this or what?”

Cadance sighed. “I don’t particularly want to see you leave, Nav. But nor do I want to keep you here when I know you have apparently important business elsewhere. Just… don’t leave in the middle of the night, Nav. That was absolutely awful.”

“Heh, it was pretty dickish, wasn’t it? Yeah, I probably won’t do that this time. I’ll give my quartermaster a day or two to make sure we’re stocked up as well as we can be before leaving. Oh, and I know this is probably too late, but don’t let your people gorge themselves. After too long of starving—”

“—they’ll die if they eat too much,” Cadance finished. “I know, Nav. Tell me before you leave. I’ll get Shining Armor and Skyla together to bid you farewell.”

“You know your brat hates me.”

“I know… But hopefully she’ll grow out of it in time. Now, I must go back to running my new kingdom.”

“And I should go with you to make sure my crew doesn’t wreck your shit when you let them go.”

She snorted, but didn’t comment as the two of us started walking out. But when one set of hooves did not join us, she said, “Come, Twilight. This is Navarone’s operation, not yours.”

“But… It’s so interesting!”

“Then ask Navarone if you can stay. Don’t just assume he’ll say yes.”

“But he’ll just say no!”

“Then maybe you should respect his decision. Did you not tell me you were trying to better his opinion of you? Start here.”

Twilight sighed and most of her body drooped as she started following us out. “So what are you going to do about these doors?” I asked.

“This palace feels way too closed in anyway. So many things need fixing up… And we’re still finding curses here. Like, in Sombra’s bedroom, there was a guardian set to activate whenever somepony was at their weakest.”

“...I forgot about that,” I slowly said. “It tried to kill me when I was blinded.”

“Thankfully, one of your crew found it and disabled it. Such a vile thing…”

When we finally got to the hall, I found out what Cadance meant by ‘suspended animation’. All of my crew were stuck in place. Kumani looked like she was about to shoot fire, so I was glad I came to make sure they were pacified. “Release ‘em,” I said, walking over in front of my dragoness and crossing my arms. Cadance’s horn lit up and my crew looked around, confused. “Can’t even keep a pretty pink pony princess out,” I said, shaking my head in mock disappointment.

“...What? What happened?” Kumani asked.

“They both walked right past you,” I said, nodding at the destroyed door.

Her head slowly turned to look at it before turning back to me. “How?”

“Magic. Doesn’t really matter. We came to an… agreement. But if you want to make up for it, you can repay me in kisses later.”

“I’ll… Okay. Magic?”

“Yep.” I turned back to Cadance. “You got a kingdom to run, right?”

“I do,” she said with a nod. “Enjoy your… repayment.” She began walking back down the hall. A sulking Twilight joined her.

“Yo Twilight, you’re going the wrong way,” I said. She stopped and looked at me, confused. “The elemental is in there.”

“But… What?”

I walked over and knelt down, putting my hand on her shoulder. “Twilight, I’m not always against you. In this case, I’m against Aqua more than I am you. Because she seems like a fucking bitch. So go annoy her with your questions while she’s stuck in ice, because you might not have a chance later.”

“When you put it like that, I don’t really want to anymore…”

“Don’t be silly, Twilight. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity.” I stood, walking back toward the room. “Come or don’t. But I won’t stop you. Same goes for the rest of you, if anyone wants to find out why we’re doing this.”

The vast majority of the people in the hall joined me as I walked in. Twilight was among them. “So that’s an elemental?” Kumani asked as we walked closer. “She don’t look so tough.”

“She’s also still half-frozen,” I said. “And of course she doesn’t look tough to you. You’re a fucking dragon and she’s made of water.”

“Fair enough. Anyway, she doesn’t look that interesting. Want to go cash in on those kisses?”

“Sure. Just let me talk to Watcher for a sec.” She shrugged and I walked over to him. “This is boring as hell and I’m not really needed here right now. Make sure Aqua doesn’t answer any questions she shouldn’t.”

“I won’t,” the elemental said.

“...That also works. Anyway, I’ll probably either be having sex or cuddling, so warn anyone you send to get me if you need me.”

“Understood,” he replied. “You want to keep the troops on station?”

“Nah.” I looked around and called out, “Everyone, you can take off. Leave a unicorn here to spot Watcher in case he gets tired. And I need a pegasus to head to the ship to tell our quartermaster and blacksmith to get into town to find whatever they need. We leave on their schedule, but I don’t want it to take longer than two days. If we have to, we can pass through Gryphonia or Equestria to pick up more supplies on the way.”

“That reminds me,” Twilight said, looking over to me. “If you’re passing through Equestria, can you drop me and the girls off? The supply train already left… before Cadance told us that she didn’t need us anymore. We’d be stuck here until the next one arrives, otherwise.”

“If I can’t drop you off in Equestria itself, I’ll drop you off in Gryphus with enough gold to get you home,” I said. “That’s the best I can offer.”

“I’ll take it,” she replied, nodding. “Thanks, Nav. Now, I don’t want to… distract you. Just uh… how does that work, exactly?”

“Same as it did for us. See you later.” With that, Kumani and I left the large room behind.

After Kumani and I finished our interesting session, I immediately went to take a shower. After Taya decided to finally tell me that the smell was so strong, I figured it was a good idea to keep myself cleaned. Unfortunately, my shower was interrupted by a rather irate daughter.

When my shower door blew open, the first thought that came to my mind was, Do people not know how to knock anymore? The second was, Oh shit, I don’t have any weapons. And the third was, Oh God, Taya looks pissed. Since she looked so very displeased, I said the first thing that came to my mind. I’ll admit, it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say. “Since you’re in here anyway, can you get my back?”

To make a fairly short story even shorter, soon enough I was being held down in the tub by magic with her standing on my chest and glaring down at me. “We need to talk,” she finally said.

“I would imagine so. There are considerably more comfortable positions I’d rather be in while we do so, though.”

One of her eyes twitched and the pressure holding me down increased. “What is wrong with you? Why won’t you treat me like a daughter?! WHY WON’T YOU BE ANGRY!?”

“Because I’m not generally an angry person? Why do you want me to be angry?”

“Because you don’t care about me! Nothing I do makes you happy! Nothing makes you proud! Nothing makes you sad! No worry, no anger, no fear, NOTHING!” Each noun there was accompanied by a little more pressure.

Oh boy. “Taya, let me tell you a little story.”

“I don’t want to hear it!”

“Too bad. It’s about the time I got shot and almost died back on Earth.”

“What does that have to do with—”

“If you shut up and fucking listen, you’ll find out.” She wants me angry, she’ll get me angry. She shut up. “A friend of mine named John was… somewhat of a delinquent at a young age. Someone tried robbing him at gunpoint once. That someone quickly lost their gun, relinquishing control of it to John. He cleaned the old piece of shit up and decided he wanted to see how well it shot, so he invited—dragged—me down to some land his family owned without telling anyone where we would be. My parents, of course, didn’t even ask when I left. The land was in the far end of nowhere. And the gun he had was very poorly maintained and it looked like the bullets had gotten wet at some point in their life. So he pointed the gun at a target of some kind and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. So he shrugged and turned my way, still holding it up. Turns out the bullet was just delayed and it shot straight at me. I was in the hospital for a week. My parents didn’t bother coming by until two days had passed. Of course, they didn’t come together, but that’s a different story. And my dad only showed up to drop off the school work I was missing before leaving again. I saw him one more time in the hospital. That is the story of my childhood, Taya. I practically didn’t even have a father. I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to act. I’m doing the best I can and everyone tells me I’m fucking up but no one says how! No one tells me what I should change. I’m treating you like I would want to be treated, but obviously that isn’t fucking working. When I was strict, you hated it. When I try to be lenient, apparently you hate it. What do you want from me, Taya?”

“I want you to care! To show emotion! I know you can, I’ve seen you mad once!” Shows how little you know about me. “Stop making excuses. You keep saying you’ll try to be a better father and then nothing ever comes of it! I’m tired of it, Navarone. I’m giving you two options. Either treat me like a daughter or help me relieve my heat!”

Oh. Oh no you fucking didn’t. “Alright, I’ll treat you like my child,” I said, the iciness in my voice chilling even me. “Let me go.” She didn’t move. “Did I give you a choice?” With a grim grin, she hopped off my chest, letting me go. I slowly stood before walking right past her without a word, going into my room.

“Where are you going?” she asked. I didn’t reply, just walking to where I left something. “D-daddy?” When I got to the nightstand next to my bed, I slipped my ring on before turning back and walking to her, now standing in the doorway. She saw the anger in my face and her eyes went wide, her horn glowing.

I didn’t give her the chance to teleport away, snatching her by the hair and sliding the ring from my finger to her horn. “You want me to treat you like my daughter?” I growled, dragging her to the bed. “I’ll treat you like my daughter!” I sat on the edge and propped her over the knee. “You want emotion? Don’t you ever threaten me again!” I slammed a hand down on her flank. “Don’t even think about having sex with me!” I spanked her again. “And hell, anyone else!” And again. “Stop being so rude!” Again. And since I ran out of things to say, I gave her another ten good licks to finish her off.

By the time I finished, she was a crying wreck and her ass was bright red from all the slaps. I wrapped both of my arms around her and picked her up, carrying her out the door and over to her room. Thankfully, there were no servants passing outside to see me, completely naked, carrying a crying filly with a bright red ass out of my room. That would have raised a few questions.

When I got in her room, I set her down on the bed. “You’re grounded,” I said, standing up and backing away. “No magic for a week. No studying for a week. You are to stay in your room unless I give you permission to leave. And so help me, if I see you without that ring on your horn, what you’ll get will make this seem like fun. Do you understand me?” She gulped and whispered something. “I can’t hear you!”

“Y-yes, Daddy!” she whimpered.

“You wanted a dad. Congratulations. You got one.” She was still crying when I left, slamming the door shut behind me.

“That’s certainly one way of dealing with it,” Flo commented.

“Shut up, Flo,” I growled, walking back into my room to finish my shower. “If you aren’t going to help me while I’m dealing with my problems, you are no longer allowed to bitch when things don’t go well. I ignore your advice and things go bad, sure, bitch all you want. You didn’t say shit, so keep it to yourself.”

She didn’t reply. I finished my shower in peace.

Some time after I dealt with Taya, I was visited by a more black personage. “...Doppel?” I guessed.

“Close,” Poly answered. “Can we talk?”

“I swear to God, if you tell me to be your dad, I’m going to be pissed,” I replied, standing aside to let her in.

“More of a big brother…” she said, walking in. “But where did that come from?”

“Problems with Taya. What do you need?” I asked, closing the door.

“First, I… We have a question. Do you need us?”

“...Need you in what sense?” I slowly asked.

“Are any of our talents actually required on the ship?”

“Honestly? No. Now that said, don’t think you’re just taking up space. I know you guys pull your weight. At least enough of it for one person, anyway. What brought this up?”

“A few of us were thinking about staying. While staying with you would be fun and we’ll all miss you—except for Mimeo, but that’s expected—you aren’t going anywhere safe. We have a little magic, but no combat experience. And none of us want Eva to get hurt. But we already spoke to Cadance and she offered us a position here.”

“If you guys think you’ll be happier here, by all means, stay. And I can almost guarantee you’ll be safe. What about food, though? Eating from me is easy. But eating from a pony? I don’t want you guys to go hungry.”

“The princess spoke to us about alternatives, as well. We were working on something back when she lived with us and she finally figured it out. Her magic love works to feed us directly. We’ll have all the food we need from her.”

“Then you guys have my blessing to stay. Just… be careful here. The ponies seem xenophobic and the nobles are scheming bastards. I don’t want any of you getting hurt.”

“We’ll probably be in disguise,” Poly answered. “Well, when we’re in the city, at least. We’ll have a few different duties. Some of them will thankfully take us away. Even if I can’t explore the world with you, at least I won’t get tied down forever.”

“I know that feel,” I sighed. “If you guys change your mind, you’re welcome to stay with us. I certainly wouldn’t mind the loyal company. And torturing Mimeo is always fun.”

“He does have cute reactions, doesn’t he?” she giggled. “Now, Eva wants to say bye.”

“Let her talk, then.”

Poly blinked and suddenly I had a bug pony across my face, hugging me. “I’ll miss you, Navi,” Eva said, snuggling in against me.

Since I couldn’t currently talk, I pried her off my face and hugged her back. “I’ll miss you too, Eva. But you guys really will be better off here, I bet. Less danger. More friends. Plenty of food. I’ll miss you and you’ll miss me, but you’ll be happy here.”

“I know… But I’ll still miss you. After all you’ve done for us, it doesn’t feel right to just leave you!”

“You guys have to think about your needs, not mine. You’re still young, Eva. You can find a really good place in life here. There’s no reason to risk all that by going with me. Part of the agreement we had when I offered to let you come with me was that you guys could stay wherever you wanted. You upheld your end. I’m upholding mine. So you’re all free to stay.”

“Are you sure?”

Once again, I pulled her away from me and nodded, setting her down. “Yes. And hey, if Cadance can use Spike for letters, you guys can write me whenever you want. It’ll be good practice.”

“We’ll be sure to, whenever we can!” she said.

“I’ll definitely look forward to hearing from you,” I replied, nodding. “And don’t forget to get all your stuff from the ship. And tell everyone important that you’re staying. I know everyone’s gonna miss you guys.” And by everyone, I mean me, Doppel, and maybe Taya. Ames might, but he might not.

“I will, Navi,” she said.

A knock upon the door stopped the conversation. Eva’s horn lit up and opened it. “Nice to see you practicing,” I said with a smile. She beamed back at me.

In walked one of my troops. “The elemental is fully free, sir,” he said. “Watcher’s asking for orders.”

“I need to talk to her anyway. Are they still in the same room?”

“Yes sir.”

“Then I’ll head there. Eva, go tell everyone bye. And I suggest starting with Taya. She’s probably really upset right now and could use a friend to talk to. But if she’s not wearing my ring, come find me immediately. Okay?”

“Okay, Navi. Tell me before you leave, alright?”

“Of course. I’ll make sure to hug you all before we go.”

She giggled and said, “I don’t think Mimeo will like that…”

“Then I’ll hug him extra. Now, I have business to take care of. I will see you again soon, Eva.” And then I was once more on the way to deal with the elemental. “Is she being problematic?” I asked as the guard escorted me back.

“Not particularly, though I believe Twilight is annoying her. Watcher just didn’t know if you wanted to move her to the ship immediately or wait until night.”

“Secret’s out. Might as well move her now to make sure she’ll be fine in the ship. But I want to talk to her first.” The guard didn’t reply.

When the two of us got to the big room, most of the other guards and crew had cleared out. It was just Watcher, his squad, Twilight, and Fluttershy. As soon as Aqua saw me enter, she surged past them all and flowed over to me. “I wish to have congress with my sister,” she said.

“It’ll have to wait a few minutes,” I said. “Can you climb a ladder?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Getting you on the ship will be easy. You can talk with her when we get there. Twilight, interview’s over.”

“What does she mean, her sister?” Twilight asked.

“Ask Fluttershy,” I said with a shrug. Fluttershy blinked in surprise. “Aqua, Watcher, let’s go.” I led the way out of the room, leaving Twilight to ask an ignorant Fluttershy a question that she couldn’t answer.

“There is the topic of my missing piece,” Aqua said. “I would like to find it before leaving for good.”

“Then we can go look for that first. Any idea where to start?”

“I can lead us right to it,” she said, taking the lead. The rest of us followed.

“Thoughts, Watcher?” I quietly asked him.

“None yet,” he replied. “Haughty, though.”

Silence reigned for the rest of the trip as the elemental led us down the passages of the large palace. Soon, we reached the stairs leading out. She flowed right to the crystal heart at the center of the large area. “Such an… odd construction,” she said. “It resonates with my power…”

“It… does!” Flo said. “No wonder it felt so familiar!”

Thanks for waiting until now to mention that.

“Nav, if I told you all the strange feelings I’ve had, I would never stop talking. But you know she can’t take the heart.”

I said aloud, “If that heart is your missing piece, I’m afraid it’s going to have to stay here. That artifact is what killed Sombra and what keeps this city safe even now.”

“I feared as much,” she sighed, lifting a tendril to caress the heart. “Why did it have to be like this, Sombra?” she whispered, turning a darker blue.

“You ready to go to the ship now?” I asked.

“Yes. How you got a ship here, I will be interested to find out.”

“Well, let’s show it to you, then.” And so we did. She was suitably impressed, even as she slid up the ladder to the top. I met her up there. “What do you think?” I asked.

“An interesting design,” she said. “It is something that… brings back memories. But you have delayed long enough. I will speak to my sister, now.”

“Alright. Flo, do what you gotta do.”

“I’m going to take over now,” she said. “You’re going to be stuck in your mind for some time. There is much for me to discuss with her.”

Take your time. I’m sure I’ll find something to do. And just like that, I was once more in the glade.

I suggest you settle in, Flo thought at me. Explore, if you desire. There have been a few changes since the last time you were in here. Or relax. Some time off would be good for you.

Instead of wandering around, I decided to just lie back on a nice bed and relax. It was… nice.

When I got control of my body next, Aqua and I were still on the deck and the eternal day was growing dim, signalling the coming night. “You are an interesting being,” Aqua said from where she standing.

“Interesting is a word you could use, yeah,” I said, stretching. “Do you want me to show you to a room now, or do you think you’ll be fine on the deck until we start leaving?”

“If you still want me hidden, I should go below. Flo and I discussed this. But you need not exert yourself. I know the way.”

“Go for it, then. As late as it is, I need to get back down.”

“Very well. Before you depart, Flo and I have a plan for speaking with the air elemental. Ask her about it. But farewell for now, Navarone.”

“Enjoy the solitude of the ship,” I replied with a nod. “Things will get hectic soon.”

“I look forward to it. I have spent far too long in silence and solitude. The scampering of many feet will be a welcome reprise.”

“Eh, we’ll see if you’ll keep thinking that when you meet everyone. Now, I’m off. You need anything, find the captain and bother him. Hopefully he won’t freak out when he sees you.” She nodded and began moving to the stairs going down. I spread my wings and took off, flying down to the palace. “So what’s this about a plan?” I asked as I flew.

“The air elemental is likely to feel Aqua and come seeking her. When she does, we need to talk to her. That will probably be our only chance to get her on our side for a long time. All three of us need to speak to her if she appears.”

“And if she doesn’t appear?”

“...Then I honestly don’t know what would make her appear. Airs are very different, Nav. I think this is something that will pique her curiosity, but it might well not be. We’ll find out soon. But before we do, you need to make sure Taya gets dinner.”

“Yep, I do.” I alighted on the ground under the palace and immediately began walking to the stairs. “I assume there’s still food in the damn larder. If someone looted all the shit we brought down from the ship, I’m going to be pissed.”

“It’s probably around dinner time for everyone. If there is anything, it shouldn’t be hard for you to find it.”

“But if there’s not anything, I’m gonna have to smack a bitch. If we’re going to drop Aqua off—The fuck you looking at?” The servant in question flinched and dropped to the floor, cowering. I kept walking. “If we’re going to drop Aqua off in the Pacific, we’ll have to go to Gryphus to drop the girls off and then southwest to get there before heading to South America. We won’t have that much time to get food for the ponies, unless the griffins have some in stock. We can’t stop in or around Detroit, because I’ll get arrested by Robocop.”

“What about Mexico?” Flo asked.

“That lawless hellhole? From the books I read, it’s more dangerous here than it was back in the day. We either have to hope we can get all our supplies from here or Gryphus or we’ll have to take another delay to get what we need. And I really don’t want to risk bringing Aqua anywhere near Celestia.”

“We’ll manage, Nav. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, probably.” That conversation was mostly just something to do while passing the time to getting to the kitchens, which worked well. The only other person in there was Gilda. “I was starting to wonder if you wandered off again,” I said, walking over to one of the cabinets.

“Nah. Just spending time with Dash. Doesn’t seem like much else for me to do here. I mean, you need a scout for anything?” The cabinet had food in it, thankfully. I started preparing something relatively simple as we talked.

“You coulda been useful earlier, but that miner was pretty much going to die anyway, so it’s not like it matters. Just try not to disappear for days without telling me you’re at least leaving. If I do need you, I’d like to know where to find you.”

“Lame. But sure, I guess. So when are we leaving this place behind? It’s boring already.”

“Tomorrow or the day after, hopefully. First stop is Gryphus, where we’ll drop Dash and her friends off and pick up some supplies. After that, we’ll head to an ocean. And finally, our next real destination, where we’ll almost definitely see some action.”

“About time! I was beginning to doubt coming with you. Sure, this crystal stuff is cool to see, but I coulda covered more ground by myself.”

“Probably. But you’d miss out on the unique company. And besides, we did run into some action today, of a considerably more deadly sort. That big mine was haunted and long story short, the miner’s dead because of it.”

“Psh, ghosts. Do you really believe that crap?”

“I believe that something murdered the shit out of the miner right in front of me that no one had any control over. I can sense magic, so I can only assume it was something more mundane. And I’ve met a ghost and a vampire before, so I know there are things out there like it. In a world with magic, necromancers, and dozens of species, does it really surprise you that ghosts are out there?”

“Ehhh… I guess it makes sense. But it’s still pretty stupid.”

“No denying that… Hey, can you take this to Taya for me?”

“Why can’t you do it? I’m not your servant!”

“She was being a bitch, so I gave her a spanking and grounded her. I’m going to let her stew until tomorrow. That means no contact with me until then. All you have to do is drop it off and then leave. Won’t take you but five minutes.”

“Ugh. Whatever. But don’t think you’ll make a habit outta this!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Thanks, Gilda.” She just muttered something as she took the plate and walked out. And then immediately back in. “Her room’s to the right of mine.” And then right back out. “So now what?”

“Kumani might be awake,” Flo said.

“I’m tapped out,” I sighed, leaning against one of the counters. “The mind is willing, but my body… Not so much. I wouldn’t mind spending time with her, but I have a feeling that time would end in sex. There’s not really much we can do aside from that in this town.”

“You could start teaching her to read.”

“And you just know that she’s going to want some kind of positive reinforcement to keep going.”

“Nav, your tongue works just fine right now.”

“...Oh yeah.” With that in mind, I wandered off to find some paper and a pen or something. It didn’t take long to find both in my room. With those in hand, I walked on down to Kumani’s room and let myself on in.

“I was wondering when you’d come back,” she said from the bed. “You finally ready to go again?”

“Nah. I’m going to teach you to read and maybe write.”

“Ugh. So pointless! When will I ever need to read?”

I smiled and answered, “Remember just a few days ago at the library?”

“That was one time!” She was a little beyond annoyed.

“And you asked for when you’d need to read. That was a case in which you being able to read would have been really helpful. What if we run into that situation again?” She sniffed and turned her head away. “Look, how about this: For every five letters you learn well, I’ll eat you out.” Sure, it doesn’t divide well, but I had no idea how quickly she’d learn and that worked as well as anything.

“...All I have to do is learn letters?”

“For now, yeah. We’ll move onto words once you have the letters down. We can come up with a new deal then. So you’ll do it?”

She sighed and looked back to me. “Fine. But only because your tongue is so weird!”

“Right, of course. Now come over to the table so we can get started.”

“What’s wrong with the bed?”

“If we’re on the bed, you’ll spend the entire time enticing me. This way, there’s at least a chance you’ll learn.” She sighed again, but got up to sit next to me at the table. And so began Kumani’s lessons. On the first night, she successfully learned the first five letters, though I had no idea if she’d remember them the next time we started working.

The raging beast within her tamed for the moment and her rather tired I decided to—“Where do you think you’re going?” Kumani asked as I started to get off the bed.

“...I was going to let you sleep,” I said.

“I will sleep. Cuddled next to you. Now lose the clothes.”

...I suppose dreamwalking is acceptable for tonight. So I just shrugged and stripped down, joining her in the bed.

She pulled me up against her and breathed in deep. “Mmm, I always like how you smell,” she sighed, one of her claws stroking my wings.

“We’re trying to sleep, not get me ready for sex,” I said. “My body needs some time.”

“Oh, fine. I can get you in the morning instead. So sleep well, because we’re going for a ride in the morning…”

After I finished with Kumani and took yet another shower, I quickly got some breakfast made for Taya and went on back to her room. I only had a small moment of apprehension before letting myself inside, hoping she wasn’t doing anything I didn’t need to see.

Thankfully, she was just moping on the bed, the ring still on her horn. She looked up when I entered and then immediately turned away. I walked in and set the bowl on the table before sitting next to her on the bed. We sat there in silence for a few minutes before she slowly and quietly said, “I’m sorry, Daddy…”

When she finally said that, I pulled her into a hug. “It’s okay,” I replied, stroking her back but stopping well short of her flank. “It’s hard for both of us. But we’ll be leaving the city either today or tomorrow, so we’ll have plenty of time to spend together on the ship.” When I’m not spending it with others. “I’ll do my best to treat you like a daughter as long as you do your best to treat me like a dad. Less snark. No thoughts of having sex with me. And don’t threaten me again. Alright?”

She sniffled and replied, “Okay, Daddy.”

“Alright.” I just held her in silence for another minute before pulling her away and letting her rest back on the bed. “If there’s anything you want from the town, let me know and I’ll see if I can get it for you. If not, Flo and I have a plan we need to get started on.”

“I don’t need anything,” she said.

“Alright.” I stood and began walking to the door. “I’ll see you later,” I said when I got there, stopping and turning. “You’re welcome to read any entertaining book you have. But if I come back and find you studying magic, I’m going to be pissed. Understand?” She nodded. “Good.” And I let myself out, heading to the nearest exit.

“You handled that well, I think,” Flo said.

“Good. It’s about time I did something right. So are we just going to go find Aqua and wait?”

“It probably won’t take long. Elementals have ways of purposefully hiding from detection. It doesn’t work well against others of the same type, but it works fine against the other types. Aqua has had her detection off. She’ll turn it on when we’re ready. Then it’s just a matter of time.”

“Think we should be on the ground? Or will the air elemental not hurt the ship?”

“We’ll be fine on the ship, unless something makes her mad. And it’s pretty hard to anger an air.”

“Excellent, we don’t have to take her anywhere. You going to go active while we’re dealing with her? Or am I talking with her?”

“I’ll let you try your luck. You are the one that saved her, after all, not I. If it doesn’t seem to be working, I will step in.”

“Easy enough. Just means I gotta use my silver tongue. Shame Kumani was so intent on burning it last night…”

“You know you liked it, Nav.”

“That’s beside the point.” I finally found a large enough window and casually tossed myself out it, flying up to the ship. Aqua was on the ship, as were a few of the crewmembers, most of which were surreptitiously staring at her. “You ready to find the air?” I asked, landing next to the mass of blue liquid.

“I am,” she said. “There is no guarantee that this will work, but I hope it will. Prepare yourself.” With that last statement, her body went from opaque to translucent. “My body is ready,” she sighed, sinking slightly to a larger pool. I shivered as I felt her running over one of my shoes and backed away. “My apologies,” she said, pulling herself together. “I forgot that apes have an aversion to water.”

And just like that, I was instantly pissed. But since it seemed like she said it more out of ignorance than racism, I pushed the anger down. “I am no mere monkey,” I said. “We conquered our fear of water long ago, around the time we conquered the rest of the planet. Well, except for black people. They’re still afraid, but look at what happened the last time they let a whitey lead them near an ocean.”

“I have no idea what that means, but something inside of me is telling me that I should be offended.”

“Probably just gas,” I replied with a shrug. “How long do you think it’ll take for her to show up?”

“Depends on how curious she is. Hopefully it won’t take long.”

It didn’t. The first thing we heard was a light blowing of wind, followed by a giggle. Then I felt a breeze flowing through my hair and across my wings. Finally, I heard a light whisper say, “So interesting… You’ve freed a water.”

“Indeed I have,” I said. “And I would like to talk, if you’d be interested. Talk about freeing the fires.”

“Ooh! You want to free them all, don’t you?” she asked. As she spoke, I felt something feeling around me, caressing my body gently. “Two are trapped. One is free, but stuck. My oh my, how I long again for their caress, their warmth… And you would free them?”

“No one deserves to be locked away forever,” I said by way of reply. “My goal with this ship is to free all the elementals, or at least all of those that I can find. I have to start with the waters because it will take them to free the others, though.”

“Oh? And what of my sisters? Would you not free them as well, allow us to once again freely roam the skies?”

“They’re included in ‘all the elementals’. But finding air elementals is hard, I was told. You were luck, random chance. How will I free more without just as much luck? Or without, perhaps, some assistance?”

“You would shackle me to you. I am no slave.”

“Asking for assistance that I can rely on isn’t shackling you. Yes, you’ve helped me in the past. And I’m thankful for it. Hell, you saved my life against Miguel. But there are other times you could have helped. Asking you to be around more often isn’t shackling you. If anything, it’s giving you plenty more people to talk to. You’ve stayed in the shadows up until now. If you begin working with me more, you’ll have all the company you could want. And of course, I wouldn’t make you do anything. I would just ask for your help.”

A light howling sound came from elemental. I realized after a few seconds that she was humming in thought. “I will… consider this deal. On a few conditions.”

“Let’s hear ‘em,” I said, smiling.

“I want to spend time with the male dragon you have. It has been too long since I knew the touch of a fire and that is the closest thing I have.”

“...I will certainly ask Spike about that,” I said, nodding. Weirdo. “What else?”

“Make the fire elementals your first goal after the waters. Wait to free the earth until the fires are all with me.”

“That… is not a decision I can make,” I said. “I can agree to push the waters to do it, but I have a strange feeling they’ll do what they want to do, not what I want them to do.”

“I will push them for it as well,” Aqua said. “It would be a sign of trust that we go for them first. After our past disagreements, that is what we need. So that condition is met.”

“Excellent… And I want a host,” the air elemental finished.

“You are free to talk to the crew about that,” I said. “I just about guarantee someone here will agree to hosting you. And if no one else will, I’m sure I can manage two voices in my head.”

“Bad idea,” Flo said.

I’ll manage.

“Wonderful! Now go speak to your dragon friend and perhaps we can work together.”

“Alright. How will I find you once I’ve spoken to him?”

“Simple,” she replied. “Just call my name.”

“...Which is?”

“Aerie,” she breathed, her mouth right against my right ear. I shivered and felt goosebumps grow on my skin as the air elemental sailed away in the sky, flying off to wherever she was when she wasn’t confusing me greatly.

“I think that went well,” I said.

“Indeed,” Aqua replied. “Will your dragon be easy to convince?”

“Probably. I just hope she doesn’t hurt him. Now I just gotta go find him.”

“I will remain here,” Aqua said. “You said we will begin moving today?”

“Or tomorrow. One of the two. If you get bored, just start talking to the crew. The air isn’t the only one who needs a new host. You need to take someone before you leave so we can keep in contact with you and the others.”

“...Very well. But remember that not all of our kind desire hosts, Navarone. They can be wonderful, but waters choose hosts with much care. Getting to know someone in the short time I will be here is going to be… interesting.”

“Well, get to it. The sooner you get started, the more time you’ll have, and all that.” She went to one of the crewmembers without another word to me. In response, I jumped off the side of the ship, flying off to seek Spike.

It took me a long damn time to find him, too. He was with Pinkie and Applejack in the palace, just spending time with them. It felt bad to ruin it, but I wanted an answer quickly. “What’s going on, Nav?” he asked as I let myself in the room in which they were.

“I need your body, Spike,” I said.

His eyes went wide and he smiled. “Finally!” He jumped off his seat and ran across the room, grabbing my hand and dragging me down the hall. “Oh, I knew it!”

“Knew what?” I asked, digging my heels in and dragging the dragon to a halt.

He froze, tearing his hand away from mine in surprise. “Er… What… what did you need me for?” he finally asked.

“Dude, just lead the way to your room. I’ll show you then.” He did a quick fist pump and began walking down the hall again. For some reason, I thought his tail was shaking more than usual, but I didn’t exactly spend much time paying attention to it. “Don’t worry too much about saying bye to your friends again,” I said. “They’re coming with us to Gryphus, but we’re dropping them there.”

“I know,” he replied, his voice sounding strangely giddy. “Pinkie told me.”

Before we got to his room, we bumped into the naga in the hall. “I have been seeking you two,” he said, crossing his arms. “Spike, you have been neglecting us. I believe some time in a threesome will make up for it.”

Spike’s eyes went wide. “You… and Nav both on me? I don’t know if I could take it!”

“Your body is strong,” the naga said with a nod. “Young and supple.” One of his hands reached over and traced Spike’s side. “You can take it. Though I can’t promise you’ll enjoy it.”

“But we will,” I said from behind him, reaching up to tweak one of his little spine things. “And that’s all that matters, right?”

“Y—Ooh, I don’t know!” He was blushing, at this point.

“Unfortunately, we can’t,” I said, draping my arm over Spike’s shoulder. “I need him right now, naga.”

He snorted. “This relationship will never work if you do not share, human,” he gruffly replied. “But so be it. I will dominate him extra hard later to make up for it. You’ll be forced to watch instead of helping.”

“Ooh, I don’t mind watching instead…” I said with a smile, letting Spike go and pushing him forward. “It’s a date. But we need to go. So we’ll see you later.”

“Very well. There will be time to practice soon. I need to get my things to the ship anyway.”

“Hey, if you have time, can you help Taya get her stuff up there as well? Tell her she has my permission to leave to go to the ship, but nowhere else.”

“If I have time, I will assist her.”

“Excellent. Spike, get that little tail waggin’ again. We don’t have all day.” And so we once again began walking.

After about a minute of silence, Flo finally sighed and said, “Do you ever listen to what any of you say?”

What do you mean?

“Ugh. Never mind.” I shrugged and got it off my mind.

Finally, we reached his room. He let me in first, but I turned in surprise when I heard him locking the door. “...What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just… you know, making sure we’re private,” he said, seeming nervous.

“Eh, whatever. Look, this is going to seem really weird, so just listen. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“There’s an air elemental that wants to have sex with you.”

He was silent for a good ten seconds before saying, “What.”

“Alright, there are four types of elementals. Water, earth, fire, and air. Air elementals love fire elementals. This one has been estranged from fires for a while. She said you’re the next best thing and wants to fuck you. I said I’d talk to you about it.”

“Oh. That’s… not what I was expecting. Not at all. Uh… So you don’t… need my body?”

“Well, not me. But she does.”

“...Oh. Well, what do you think? Should I?”

“Dude, I’d be all over her if she wanted me and I didn’t have Kumani. I say go for it.”

“Alright, I guess… When does she want to meet me?”

“Now. Aerie, he said yes.”

We stood in silence for a few seconds before Spike loudly cleared his throat and opened his mouth.

The sound of giggling and whispering cut him off. “Wonderful,” the air elemental whispered. “Oh, we’ll have such fun together… Leave us, Navarone.”

I shrugged and walked to the door. “Have fun, you two,” I said, unlocking it and opening it.

“Oh, we will,” Aerie said, grabbing Spike and making him yelp in surprise. “Come to me, my new love…” And that’s when I closed the door, quickly walking away.

“Spike is really weird,” I said as I walked aimlessly.

“Uh huh. He’s the weird one.”

“Glad you agree, Flo. Think I should go ahead and start moving my shit to the ship? Save me some time later.”

“You’re going to be hungry again soon, so I suggest that you eat first and then do it.”

“Easy enough.” Thankfully, there was a nice little lunch rush, which meant servants were actually cooking. I got a good plate of stuff and took a table in the main hall.

Shining Armor joined me soon after. “So you’re leaving soon?” he asked.

“Yep. Today or tomorrow.”

“We’re going to miss you,” he said. “Are you going to say bye to your new god-daughter?”

“Dude, Skyla hates me.”

“I know… But you aren’t going to leave in the middle of the night this time, right?”

“Nah. Twilight and her friends are going with me so I can get them where they can catch a train going south. I don’t want to make them stay up like that.”

“Good. Everypony was really upset when you did that before.”

“Eh, I’m sure they got over it. Just make sure to talk to Twilight soon, because I don’t plan on waiting forever to get going once we leave.”

“Of course. I don’t think I’ll be seeing her again for a while, after this… We’re going to be so far away now.”

“Move her and your parents up here, then. You’re a king. Get them out of Equestria before it goes further downhill.”

“Twiley would never leave Celestia, not for long. I’d like to have them here, but I don’t think it’ll happen.”

“Eh, whatever. I’m sure you’ll make time to visit her. Or she’ll do the same.”

“If I’ll even have time… I have no idea if I can rule an entire kingdom,” he quietly said.

“You’ll manage. And hell, you have Cadance here to help you. Between the two of you, I think you’ll be fine. Probably. And if not, I can come to pull your asses out of the fire. Just whatever you do, stay independent from Equestria. You rely on them right now for food, but when you start getting crops going, don’t follow them blindly.”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” he said with a grim smile. “We won’t.”

I took that as a sign to stop talking and start eating. Since I could feel the pangs coming, I knew it was a good idea.

Eventually, though, he said, “So where are you going next?”

“Got to drop Twilight off. Then we’re going to the Pacific. And finally, to the large land mass south of Equestria.

“Whoa. Are you sure you want to go down there? It’s really dangerous, from everything I’ve heard!”

“I know. But there’s something there I need. Whatever danger lurks there will learn not to fuck with me by the time we leave, I can tell you that.”

“I certainly hope so. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I don’t want me getting hurt either.” That said, I went back to eating. He let me finish in peace. “If I don’t see you again before I leave, well, bye for now.”

He snorted. “No wonder you left like you did last time. You’re bad at goodbyes.”

“Yeah, I know. See you when I see you, Shiny.”

“You too, Nav,” he replied, trying to finish up his small meal as well. And with that, I left to begin packing.

We started getting everyone to the ship a few hours later. The quartermaster and Jak had everything they needed and we were very ready to go. Spike had very unsteady legs after his time with the elemental, but he seemed to have enjoyed himself.

Gathering Twilight and her friends up was fairly easy. It seemed they were all in a hurry to get home as well. Each had reasons to get back. Twilight, to continue her studies. Rarity, to catch up on orders. Fluttershy, to see her animals again. Applejack, to spend time with her family and kick some trees. Rainbow Dash, just because. And Pinkie Pie was tired of not being able to make the crystal ponies smile very well.

Of course, to Pinkie, that necessitated a party on my ship, but I skipped out. As did the vast majority of everyone else, as it turned out. Apparently, only her five friends, Spike, and Doppel showed up.

And of course, I said my farewells to Cadance, Shining Armor again, and Eva before we left. I didn’t really want to leave them behind, but I could definitely understand why they wanted to stay.

But pretty soon, it was just my ship on the open sky, finally sailing south to our first destination of many. I definitely found myself looking forward to it. And to getting Twilight’s friends off my fucking boat. Some of them weren’t that bad, after a day of being with them.

Rarity and Applejack, for example, were making themselves useful by volunteering around the ship. Twilight spent her time with Watcher or Zecora, talking to either of them about magic. Fluttershy did almost nothing at all, just sitting in her room.

It was Dash and Pinkie that fucking pissed me off. When they met the air elemental, they thought Aerie was just the coolest thing. And then they learned that it liked pranks. Needless to say, things very quickly went to shit as each of the three tried to outdo each other with pranks on various crewmembers.

I put up with it until I was one of the targets. A struggling Dash and Pinkie were both promptly barred in their rooms. Thankfully, the trip was supposed to only take about three days. They were locked in at the middle of the first day.

“Was that really necessary?” Twilight asked.

“No, probably not,” I replied with a shrug, leaning back on my comfortless bed. “I just got tired of it and this was the easiest solution. If they feel like behaving, I might let them back out tomorrow. But otherwise, they can stay in their damn rooms until we get there. It’s only a day and a half more, so I’m sure they’ll manage.”

“...Have you ever tried locking Pinkie in a small place?”

“Nope. But I have a feeling that she’ll know exactly how pissed I’ll be if she lets herself out, so I don’t think she’ll do it. I’m not willing to put up with her shit on my boat, so she either stays locked up or I’ll have a unicorn put her to sleep.”

“You could have just talked to them, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. You can talk to them about it tomorrow, after they’ve had time to cool down. Hell, Spike’s gonna need some time to recover by then anyway, with that air elemental all over him.”

“Which is really creepy,” she said, shuddering. “I know I never would have let him do that…”

“Eh, I gave him the choice. So what are you up to today?”

“I was just talking to Watcher when he remembered something he was supposed to tell you. Since he was busy with something, he asked me to deliver a message. He just said to remember the strange book, whatever that means.”

My eyes lit up and my body jerked up from its leaning position. “Oh yeah! Twilight, you’re not gonna believe this, but Taya and I found a really weird magic shop full of magical artifacts. The lady behind the counter was really weird, but she gave me a book and told me that I would soon be reunited with a friend that would help me explore it or something, whatever that means. I didn’t know what she meant at the time, but you’re probably that friend. So you want to help me dig through an old, weird book?”

“Before we do, can you tell me anything else about the shop? Did she give you anything else?”

“She gave us two other things. One is something you don’t need to know about. The other was a magical horn. I used it in the Crystal Kingdom. And the shop… Well, the lady said it was a magic building that existed where it needed to exist. She said we needed the stuff inside, so the shop appeared for us. And she was a pony. That’s really all I can tell you.”

“Hm… I’ve heard of something like that… I don’t remember where, though. I just know I dismissed it as superstitious… So where’s the book?”

I dragged myself off the bed and walked over to my gene-locked chest. It opened to my thumb, revealing all it contained. “Right here,” I said, grabbing the heavy thing and holding it up for her. “The cover’s completely blank and I have no idea what’s inside, because she told me not to open it without you.”

She levitated it away from me and it began glowing a different color than her aura. “It’s magical in nature,” she mused aloud, setting it on the small desk I had in my room. “So are you ready to open it?”

“Can you tell me anything else about it?” I asked, pulling one of the naga daggers out of the box to pick at my nails.

“Not really… Not without opening it, at least.”

I shrugged and said, “Open that fucker up, then.”

She smiled and did so as I walked closer, still toying with the knife. As soon as she cracked its cover, the thing slammed open and flipped to a random page. “That’s weird…”

When I looked in closer, I saw that the words on the pages were moving, flowing around… and out! “What the hell?!” Four tendrils of inky blackness shot out of the book, grabbing both me and Twilight as she yelled in horror.

Before we knew what was happening, the two of us had been dragged inside.

Chapter One Hundred—New Crew

Chapter One Hundred—New Crew

Needless to say, our appearance caused quite a commotion. Two squads of night soldiers stood arranged around the book, looking like they were about to confront an army. Three of the unicorns from the crew also stood at the ready, though they didn’t have any manner of armor. Applejack and Rarity were behind the soldiers, but neither looked like they were about to fight anything.

As soon as they all got over the shock of us suddenly getting spat out of the book, AJ and Rarity both ran at Twilight, hugging her and all that fun stuff. Watcher strode up to me. “What happened?” he asked.

“The book is a portal,” I answered, setting the shitty bags down. “It opens up to a massive library that’s dangerous as all fucking hell.” I turned back around and grabbed the book from its pedestal. “And very worthwhile,” I added, turning back and tucking it under my arm. “How long were we gone?”

“...We aren’t sure,” he said. “Your daughter did hear a scream from your room, but didn’t think anything of it until nopony could find you. At least six hours. Probably more. I knew you had to have teleported out or been sucked into the book. Magic scans didn’t show any teleportation residue, so we were hoping it was the book.”

“You hoped well,” I answered, stooping down to grab the packs again. “I’m going to go lock all this stuff up. Stand the troops down and meet me in your room in five. We got some stuff to talk about.”

“Yes sir,” he answered with a nod before turning to his troops. “Dismissed,” he called as I started walking out.

Before I could get too far, Twilight started walking next to me. “Can we… talk about that place?” she asked.

“Get some rest first, then find me,” I answered. “And get a shower while you’re at it. I think we’re both covered in dust.”

“...Alright,” she answered, still walking next to me. But since all the rooms are pretty much in the same area, it would be hard for her not to walk next to me to go get some rest and a shower.

When I ducked into my room, I found it pleasantly devoid of anyone. It’s not that I really minded company, I just didn’t want anyone to see all the stuff I got from the book realm. Since the coast was clear, I very carefully pulled all the books out of the bags and put them on the bed, spreading them out. And with no one to impress or any cold to keep out, I pulled the freaky cloak off as well, blinking as it quickly faded back to its normal brown. With a shrug, I set it next to the books. Everything settled, I started looking the books over.

The titles that I could read were Founding of Equestria, My Diary (which happened to be Luna’s), and Magic and Its Uses: A Primer. The other three important books were the Arthur and Merlin book, Grogar’s thing, and the book about elementals that I knew Flo could translate for me. Then there were the three from the bag we found, the ones that I couldn’t read and knew nothing about.

A brief internal debate led me to wrapping all of the books but the one about elementals and the three mystery ones into the cloak. Those books, the invisibility ring, and Athena’s book all went into the gene-locked chest. I slammed the baton out and tossed it aside, not paying attention as it balanced itself out. The rest came with me in the cloak to Watcher’s room. I was planning on letting him read through most of them. Hell, I’d need a unicorn to help me read two of them anyway.

It didn’t take him long to get to his room, thankfully. Less than five minutes had passed since I got out of the book, I imagine. “So what’s going on?” he asked me when we were both inside.

“A few points of interest,” I said, setting the cloak on the floor so dust didn’t get all over his bed. “First, the place we entered was an archive of probably every single book ever written. And it doesn’t seem to have much order at all. But I was able to scrounge up some things.” I opened the cloak and set all five books in a line. “I’ve known for a while that Celestia was censoring history. We found two books that detail just how much she messed with things.” I pushed them forward.

“Hm. Luna’s diary? How did anyone get a copy of this?”

“The archivist is an immensely ancient and powerful mage that is essentially a goddess. I don’t know her methods, but I know that they work.”

“...What do you think Celestia would do if she knew we had these books?”

“No clue. Read these first, then give them back to me. I figure you could make more use of what’s in them than I could.”

“Yes sir. What about the others?” he asked, using magic to float those two books to his desk.

I held up one of the leather-bound ones. “I think this is the journal of someone called Grogar the necromancer.” His eyes widened. “You know of him?”

“Whispers. Rumors. And he was mentioned numerous times in Sombra’s journal. But to find that he actually kept something like a journal… Why would a lich need something like that?”

“Don’t know. But I want to know what’s in it. Whenever you get some spare time, get rid of any protective spells on it and get it back to me. I’ll get a translation spell and start going through it.

“Alright. What about the other two?”

“This,” I said, holding up the human book, “talks about the fight of the last human mage against Discord. It is almost definitely the oldest book in existence in this plane. And without a spell, it’s illegible. I’m going to need a translation spell to go through this one, too. When I finish, I’ll let you read through, see what we can find.”

“And that other one?” he asked, nodding at it.

“This…” Should I really let anyone know about true magic?

“You can trust him,” Flo whispered.

“This is a magic book,” I said. “But not magic how you know it.”

“Forbidden magic?” he asked, his head tilting slightly.

“Technically, yes,” I said. “Celestia and Luna forbade it after an incident involving Grogar. But this stuff is older than they are. The magic you use right now is a subset called spells, created by Celestia. But if you take away the spells, you’d still have magic. This,” I said, holding up the book, “details how to use true magic.”

He blinked a few times before it dawned on him. “Encapsulation,” he slowly said, nodding. “It decreases the power of unicorns, giving her an advantage.”

I shook my head. “Close, but not quite. Everyone can use magic. Griffins. Earth ponies. Humans. I think unicorns had a special affinity for it, but anyone could have used it. But now, only unicorns can use spells. According to the archivist, it’s because your horn acts as a component. I don’t really understand it, myself, and it’s not important.”

“It is important, actually,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s something we’ll be able to understand without reading through some of these books.”

“Yeah. If you want to know more, check out the diary. That’s where we first found that Celestia had the plan. Once we both read these books and commit them to memory, I’ll send Celestia a message, see if I can get some answers.”

“Are you sure that is wise?” he asked.

“Nope. But Twilight knows about all of this now, so I don’t think we’ll have to wait long for Celestia to know we know. And when that happens…”

“Things might get more interesting around here,” he finished for me.

“Maybe. Either way, I got a king and a princess in Gryphus that owe me some favors. I’ll be borrowing a printing press and making copies of all of these, then getting them stored away somewhere in the griffin kingdoms. So if worst comes to worst, the knowledge will still be out there.”

“Good idea. Are you going to attempt to learn this magic?”

“I’ll give the book a look, see if I can get anything out of it. I doubt I have the patience or the ability, the way it seemed in the book world. I think it works on belief, and I don’t believe in much. It seems like something that if you don’t learn it as a kid, it would be really hard to pick up as an adult. And with my general distrust in magic… Well, it’s worth reading through.”

“Magic is useful,” he said. “If you can learn it, you definitely should, trust or not.”

“Eh, maybe. Personally, I’m a little leery of anything that promises me power based on the principle of ‘clap your hands and believe’. And if I might start to rely on that to save my life… Well, I already lost faith in one thing. What I won’t lose faith in is a sword that I can see and feel the weight of. Or the enemy, who I can feel and hopefully kill.”

“Just give it an honest try, sir. That’s all I ask.”

“We’ll see. Anyway, read up on those books I gave you. Quickly, if there’s nothing else pressing going on. I need to see Jak, then get started on some reading of my own.”

“And you also need to see your daughter. She’s quite worried about you.”

“...Fuck, I should have done that first,” I said, putting the two books I was keeping back in the cloak. “I’ll see you later,” I said, tossing it back over my shoulder.

“Good luck,” he answered as I left.

On the way to my room to drop off everything I had, I passed numerous people doing whatever they could to stave off boredom on the long voyage. Most of them gave me odd looks, since they probably heard that I disappeared, if not where I went. And now that they all saw me, covered in dust, a weird paper belt, and an odd looking sack over my shoulder, I’m sure all kinds of questions had to be going through their mind.

Thankfully, all the soldiers were trained better than to ask. Not so thankfully, Fluttershy wasn’t. “You’re back!” the buttery mare quietly exclaimed, jumping right in front of me.

“Yep,” I answered, walking around her. “So is Twilight.” Thankfully, she immediately started walking next to me, so it wasn’t as awkward.

“Did you have fun?” she asked, sounding somewhat hopeful.

“Nope. Got my shit wrecked. Hard. In fact, I can still barely move my left arm. My right isn’t working very well either, but at least it’s going. And both of my legs still feel slightly wooden.”

“Oh no! Why aren’t you resting?”

“Got stuff to do.”

“Nav, as your friend—”

“—You can do me a favor,” I broke in. “Go let Dash and Pinkie out. Tell them if they behave, they’ll stay out. But if they keep up their shit, I’m locking them back in and they can sit the rest of the trip out.”

“Oh, Dash will be so happy! She loves flyi—No! You won’t distract me that easily, mister!” Since we were currently at my door, I pushed it open and walked on in. She followed me uninvited. “Now you get in that bed right this minute!”

“Is that an invitation?” I asked, setting the cloak next to the chest that was still out in the open. The paper belt joined it, followed by my damaged and filthy dagger. Then I put the books into the chest and pushed it closed. When I turned back to Fluttershy, she was blushing up a storm. “Look, I fully plan on resting, Fluttershy. I just need to talk to Taya and Jak first. And maybe take a shower, since I’m nasty. You know I can keep going for hours, if you know what I mean, so I’ll be fine. I just can’t let Taya wait.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but the blush was still there. “You can visit Taya for five minutes. But then straight to bed! Mister Jak can wait!”

“Alright. That’s actually a good idea.” She blinked, surprised she actually got me to agree. “I probably shouldn’t be walking around like this and seeing him can wait. But now I’m going to go see my daughter.”

She nodded once, still surprised, and just sort of stood there awkwardly as I walked out and then next door. When I knocked on the door, I only had to wait about five seconds before it opened, Taya looking up at me hopefully. Then, it took her less than a second to realize she was staring up at her current father. And then she was hugging me. “You’re back!” she yelled, hugging me around the stomach.

“Sure am,” I said, hugging her back as best I could. “Tired, dirty, feeling beat to shit, but back and victorious.” She pulled away at that point, looking up at me and actually seeing what I looked like.

Her eyes went wide and then nothing happened until she went crosseyed, looking at the ring on her horn. “Can I—”

“No,” I answered. “However, I will allow you to leave your room, but only to come to mine. I really need some rest and I’m sure you want to hear about what happened. So I’m going to go lie down for a while. You’re more than welcome to come with me so we can talk.”

She immediately smiled and nodded, then started following me. “So what did you do to Twilight for hurting you?” she asked. Fluttershy, who was still in my room, gasped at that.

“She didn’t hurt me,” I said. “That book the magic shop lady gave me had a world inside of it. We got dragged in when we opened it and had to fight our way out.”

“Wish I had been there…” Taya sighed as I practically fell onto the bed, my limbs instantly feeling grateful that I was no longer relying on them.

“No you don’t,” I replied, trying my best to get comfortable by removing a lot of the stuff I had with me. “That place was hellish.” I quickly told them both what happened while we were in that hellish world, leaving out Twilight’s sick fanfiction involving her brother that she swore she didn’t write. They both listened, fascinated and somewhat entranced, though Fluttershy seemed somewhat disturbed by all the violence.

“Oh, you poor thing!” Fluttershy gushed around the time I finished, gently patting my hair with a hoof.

“No. Just… no,” I said, calmly pushing her hoof away. “Yeah, it sucked, but it was well worth it. As long as this grey shit on my arms goes away, neither of us were permanently hurt. Although Twilight seemed pretty traumatized by having to kill things. Speaking of which, you should go comfort her, Fluttershy.”

“But—”

“I have Taya. And I’m not particularly shaken up by it anyway. Sure, I’m feeling tired, but I’ll get over that. The emotional trauma of killing someone for the first time can really damage a person, if not handled correctly. I… did not handle it correctly.” Flo snorted. “You might can help her, or at least comfort her.”

“...You’re right,” she said. “But if you need anything, you better get somepony else to do it. Understand?” she asked in a threatening tone.

“Yes, mother,” I sarcastically answered, laying back and putting my hands behind my head.

“Good. Taya, make sure he stays here and gets better.”

“No problem,” Taya answered with a dark little smile.

Fluttershy nodded once, her smile returning. “Now you two have fun,” she happily called before practically prancing out and pulling the door shut behind her.

“That woman has problems,” I said when the door was closed.

“But she’s right,” Taya said. “You don’t need to be doing anything if you don’t feel well.”

“I know. I do have a few things that need to get done, but most of them can wait. Just prop my door open and if you see any soldiers passing by, call them in,” I said. “Maybe one of them wouldn’t mind being an errand—” As soon as she opened the door, Smiles stuck his head in. “...boy. Yes, Smiles?”

He let the rest of himself in. “You feeling okay?” he asked. “I heard you went on an adventure.”

“Yeah. And I’m just feeling tired. Kinda got beat to shit. You feel like doing some errands?”

“Sure. Better than you hurting yourself trying to do anything.”

See, when you say that, it makes me sound helpless. “Go let Dash and Pinkie out. Tell them they’re free unless they start being annoying again. And tell them that if they feel like complaining to me, they should know that I’m currently injured and that they need to go talk to Twilight first.”

“Alright. Anything else?”

“Yeah. Come back when you’re done. I got some stuff for you to take to Jak.”

“Yes sir,” he answered with a nod. “Just get better.”

“I’ll do my best,” I said. “Good luck with those two.”

“They might both have some special training since they’re elements of harmony, but neither could do much to hurt a well trained guard,” he answered with a smile. “They’ll be no problem.” Your funeral, I thought as he walked out.

“Why are you letting them out?” Taya asked.

“Because they’re friends of mine and I’m sure both are ridiculously bored right now. I understand why they did what they did, but they shouldn’t have done it. Besides, they’ll both be off the ship when we hit Gryphus anyway.”

“I guess… So where are the books you got?”

“In my chest. Only one of them is even readable right now, and I really don’t think I can learn magic. I’d be better off reading the others first.”

“I can help!” she eagerly said, smiling. Then her smile took a hit as she said, “That monster taught me some. It’s a lot harder, but I know you can do it!”

“We’ll see. But I’m not about to get started now, not when I’m feeling like this. My arms and legs both ache. Holding a book would be a pain.”

“You could just let somepony heal you,” Taya said, rolling her eyes.

“Twilight couldn’t heal it,” I answered. “Flo’s working on it right now. Some nerve damage or something. I should be right as rain soon enough.”

“You’ll need to eat,” Flo whispered. “You need the energy and I need the materials.”

“Gonna need to get Spike to cook something soon. I need protein.”

“You know, I could cook,” Taya said.

“Not meat. And you’re banned from the kitchens, if I recall.”

She kicked lightly at the floor and petulantly said, “It was just an accident…”

“It’s alright,” I said. “I love the taste of Spike’s meat in my mouth.”

Sunshine motherfucking Smiles picked the perfect moment to walk back into my room. As soon as he heard that, a smile lit up his face. “Really?”

“He cooks a good steak,” I coldly said, wiping that silly look from his face. “How did the girls react?”

He sighed and said, “They were pretty happy to get out. Rainbow Dash thought she was gonna come give you a piece of her mind, but telling her that Taya was in here, that you were hurt, and that Twilight needed her changed her mind.”

“Good. Now take my knife and that large sheet of paper to Jak,” I said, pointing at the items. “The knife’s a little damaged after all that use and I think he’ll be interested in that paper. If he doesn’t know offhand what it is, tell him it’s magic runes that create a golem.”

“Yes sir. You need anything else after that?”

“If you happen to see Spike on the way there, send him my way. Otherwise, that’s all I needed.”

“Alright. I’ll get this dagger fixed up and bring it back as soon as I can,” he said, tucking it under a wing. The large sheet of paper went on his back, folding over him like a saddle. “I’ll see you, sir.”

“See you,” I said as he left.

A few seconds later, Spike walked in. “You uh… you needed me?” Spike asked.

“Yeah. When Twilight and I got sucked into that book thing, I got fucked up. Can you cook some meat? I need the protein.”

“Oh. Yeah, I can do that. You want anything in particular?”

“Nah. Just something filling. Sorry if this interrupted anything.”

“I was just reading,” he answered with a shrug. “It should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

“Bitchin’. Thanks, Spike.”

“No problem,” he answered. “See you then.” And out he went.

“Heh, maybe I should get him a little maid outfit,” I said, smiling. Taya gave me a strange look. “Eh, nah. It would ride up that little tail too much.”

“Daddy, you’re really weird,” Taya said.

“Yeah. Also, I really need a shower. You think Fluttershy would get all pissy if I took a quick one to get this dust off me?”

“You really should be resting…” she slowly said.

“Alright, fair enough,” I answered with a shrug. “So you want to know anything else about the book world?”

She nodded and started asking questions. Answering her questions gave me stuff to do until Spike got back, and answering his questions gave me stuff to do for another good while. Then the naga showed up, which gave me more time to burn.

Soon enough, I was feeling better and most of the color had returned to my extremities. Spike got called out by Applejack, who asked him to come spend some time with Twilight. After hearing from me what she went through, he didn’t waste any time consenting. And the naga was simple enough to get rid of. Soon it was just me and Taya again.

“I really need a shower,” I said when the naga was out. “So I’m gonna go do that. You’re welcome to stay in here if you want. But after the shower, I’ll probably go see Kumani.”

“...Alright. Can I look over the books?”

“There’s none in there you can read,” I answered. “It’s all in different languages. Except for the magic book, but you still aren’t allowed to study. You’re free to look over the other books I have in here, though.”

“Okay, daddy. Have fun.”

“Of course,” I said, pushing myself up. Though I wasn’t sure that would happen, given that Kumani might not be overly pleased. Still, I took a shower quickly and went on down to her place in the cargo hold, where she was actually looking over some of the letters we had done while I was teaching her.

“So you finally showed up,” she said, setting the pages down.

“Yeah. I was pretty beat to shit, stuff magic couldn’t heal. Thankfully, the damage wore off fairly quickly, but my arms and legs are still pretty grey.” She looked at them and blinked, since they were actually a few shades off from what they should be. “And you know how the ponies worry. I was stuck in bed for a little while.”

“...Yes, that is like them,” she said. “So where did you go?”

“Well, you know how I always tell you that books will take you to whole new worlds?” I asked with a small smile. She just sighed, nodding. “That happened literally. I opened one that happened to be a portal. It dragged me and Twilight in. We had to fight our way out.”

“I didn’t think you’d let a book get the best of you, even if you had to carry that useless unicorn with you.” I refrained from explaining that Twilight probably did either her fair share of work or more than I had. “Still, now that you’re back, shall we continue our lessons?”

“You actually want to keep learning?” I asked, honestly surprised.

“It is a challenge in an otherwise mostly challengeless life,” she answered. “And aside from having sex, there is little else for me to do right now. Though I suppose I could try to go find something to eat, but I do not think the griffins would like me hunting in their territory like that.”

“Awesome, then. Let’s get started, shall we?” And so I taught her another five letters, finishing off the night with a nice taste of dragoness, which led to something a little more fun for all parties involved. With her placated and it rather late, I went on back to my room, where Taya seemed to be struggling to stay awake while trying to read one of the many books I had. “Why are you still awake?” I asked, letting myself in.

She blearily looked up and answered, “So you can tuck me in.” Man, being a dad is getting weird.

“Well, come on,” I said. “My bed is pretty filthy from all that dust, so you definitely aren’t sleeping in there.”

She yawned and slowly stood up, stretching slightly, before heading out and leading the way next door. Since I knew she wouldn’t be expecting it, I picked her up and put her up in bed, smiling at the surprise on her face. “See you in the morning, daddy,” she said, as I tucked her in.

“Good night,” I answered, backing away since she was in. Then I flipped the light and closed her door, since I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.

Her suitably in bed, I went back to my room and started putting shit away properly. It looked like someone had messed around with the baton, but that didn’t really matter. After taking a look at the two ratty bags that were both still full of minor magical artifacts, like gems and scrolls and shit, I shrugged and unhooked the canteens, tossing both of the bags into a corner. I didn’t bother messing with the other magic stuff, because I didn’t know what they did. One of the canteens was bone dry, but the other actually had some stuff sloshing around inside.

I set them both down, deciding to look over them later, and started putting more stuff away until finally just the chest was out. With nothing else to do and most everyone important asleep, I popped it open and pulled out the magic book.

Before I could start reading it, someone knocked on the door. “Come on in,” I quietly called, just loud enough to be heard.

Smiles walked in, the dagger on his back. “Finished repairing it,” he said. “Just a few knicks, nothing too bad. Whoever made it was a master.”

“Naga,” I answered, tossing the book on the bed and standing up to take the dagger from him. “And yeah, they’re good at making this stuff. We used to call it Damascus steel, where I come from. Rare, expensive. Worth the money, if you used the stuff a lot. Jak say anything about the paper I sent him?”

“Not much to me, no,” Smiles answered, shaking his head. “But as soon as he saw it, his eyes lit up and he snatched it away from me. Then he locked himself in his office. I didn’t even get to tell him what all you told me about it!”

“I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow, then,” I said, shrugging and setting the knife down. “Thanks for fixing this up. You should probably get to sleep, though.”

“I’m planning on it,” he said. “You need anything else before I go?”

“Nah. I’m feeling better now. I just needed an hour or two and some food.”

“That’s good… So what actually happened?” I gave him a very brief run-down of it, since I was kind of tired of talking about it. “That’s… actually pretty neat. Do you think I could go in there and meet this Athena?”

“Maybe. But I wouldn’t let anyone go into that place alone, especially if they might have to face off with more of the guardians. Even between me and Twilight, we barely made it. I wouldn’t want to try it without a unicorn.”

“True. But I’ll get out of your mane. Have a nice night, sir.”

“See you when I see you,” I answered with a nod, sinking back down to the bed. Out he went, leaving me to wonder just who that was and what he did with the flirtatious Smiles.

“Maybe he finally learned?” Flo mused.

“Maybe,” I answered aloud. “But whatever.” I grabbed the book and actually started reading, deciding I might as well give it a chance.

I didn’t get too far before another knock interrupted me. That was probably a good thing, because that fucking book wasn’t making any damn sense. I set it aside again and got the door personally that time. On the other side was a somewhat distraught appearing Twilight. “Come on in,” I immediately said, standing aside. She stepped in without a word, her head hanging low. “Have a seat anywhere with space,” I said, closing the door behind her. She practically collapsed onto the bed.

Given the look on her face, I knew that much conversation would currently be impossible. So I just pushed the book away and sat next to her, wrapping one of my wings around her. We sat in silence for a few minutes until she asked, “Does it ever feel better?”

“If you let it define you, let it always stay in your mind, no,” I answered. “But those things in the books, they weren’t real. They were merely illusions. And the hairless husks? Those things were already dead. You saw their blood as well as I. It was nothing but ink. They had long since died. We just did them the favor of putting them at peace. And it was also self-defense anyway.”

“I just… I can’t push it away like that!” she sighed, tears coming to her eyes. “Real or not, dangerous or not… I killed…”

“Yeah. But do you regret it? Honestly, think about it. Would you rather all of those things be alive, with the two of us dead?” She was silent for a little while, just thinking. When she didn’t answer after about half a minute, I continued, “That’s what would have happened. If we didn’t wipe them out, they would have done that to us. I’m pretty sure you prefer living.”

“I know… It’s just… Who were they? What if they had families?”

“Those questions will lead you to a very dark place,” I answered. “A place you will probably never escape from. And it doesn’t really matter if they had families or not, because they were already dead when we got there.” She sighed and I knew I had a very low chance of getting to her like this.

Flo said, “Take her to Aqua. There are few souls that are as gentle and understanding as a water elemental.”

“Let’s go for a walk,” I said, standing up.

“Do we have to?” Twilight asked.

“Yes. It’ll make you feel better.” She sighed and forced herself up. We left the room together and I started leading the way to the cargo hold, where Aqua should be. After all, it was still too cold for her to freely go onto the deck, though it was getting warmer and warmer as we went further south. “So what are your friends up to?” I quietly asked, trying to get her mind off it.

“Nothing.”

“I find that hard to believe. I figured Dash and Pinkie would be really happy after getting let out. And I know Applejack and Rarity were volunteering around the ship.”

She was silent for another few seconds before saying, “Well, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were talking about getting back at you… But I don’t think they will.”

“I certainly hope not. I’d have them locked up again. What about Fluttershy? She been keeping busy?”

“Can we just… not talk?” she asked. In reply, I put my hand on her back and just started gently massaging it as we walked. Man, I hate dealing with depressed people.

Thankfully, the ship wasn’t extremely large, so it didn’t take us too long to get to the blue amorphous elemental. “Is there news?” she asked, slowly picking a shape and standing upright as a human.

“Nothing in particular,” I answered. “But I believe you might be able to help with a small problem.”

“And what problem is that, Navarone?” she asked, her eyes going down to Twilight. I reached out and poked Aqua so our minds could do some kind of weird mergy thing. She got the idea and some of her water traveled up my arm, sinking into my head.

From my time with Flo, I know that elementals are extremely good at helping others. Twilight is going through a bad time right now. Can you talk to her?

“I can certainly try,” she answered to me. “What is troubling her?”

She killed someone. And her role model was just proven to be sort of evil. She really needs some help, but I’m bad at that.

“I will talk with her. But I will need to be alone with her.”

Alright. Good luck. She released me, her water slurping back into her main body. “Twilight, Aqua would like to spend some time with you,” I said, letting the little horse go.

Twilight seemed somewhat alarmed by that, but just said, “Okay. I… guess I had some questions for her anyway.” Already perking up. Awesome.

“I’ll just leave you two be, then,” I said, backing away. When no one said anything to stop me, I just left without another word. Since there was really nothing else going on, I went back up to my room and just read that magic book all night, trying to get anything out of it.

I failed rather miserably.

Since there wasn’t a window in my room, I had no idea it was morning until my door got pushed open by a somewhat irate Rainbow Dash and a smiling Pinkie, both of whom stepped inside immediately after. “Where do you get off—” Dash started, only to get interrupted by Pinkie leaping across the small room and attaching herself to me in a vicious hug.

“...Hello,” I somewhat awkwardly said, tolerantly patting Pinkie on the back.

“Why’d you lock us up?!” Dash demanded, Pinkie still staying silent.

“Because you were fucking with my crew. And then me. That’s perfectly okay when you’re with your friends. These are trained soldiers and traumatized battle unicorns you’re dealing with. I wasn’t going to have you get hurt or possibly make someone snap.”

“Then why didn’t you tell us to stop instead?”

“Because asking you to stop wouldn’t make Aerie stop,” I explained. “Locking you up meant that all of the crew knew that you had nothing to do with any possible pranking that might happen. They could be mad at the air elemental that they couldn’t hurt instead of being mad at either of you.”

“Well then why didn’t you say so?!”

Because I just made it up off the top of my head. “You didn’t ask until now,” I replied with a shrug.

Her eyes narrowed and she said, “Yeah, well we all know your weakness, now.”

“My what?” I asked right before she pounced at me, joining Pinkie in her assault on me, cuddling up next to me. “That’s just silly,” I sighed. “My weakness isn’t hugs or warm mares.”

“No, but it is too much affection,” Pinkie happily stated, forcing herself against me tighter. Uh oh.

“I’m so sorry for upsetting you, Nav,” Dash simpered, her voice getting all weird and weepy.

“We’ll never do it again,” Pinkie added, actually sounding like she was closing to crying.

“Do… do you forgive us?” Dash asked, wrapping her wings around me and pushing her face against my shoulder so I could feel the wetness of the tears.

With Pinkie attached to my front like a leech and Dash attached to my back and side like a tick, there wasn’t all that much I could do. But thankfully, Pinkie left me enough room to pick the book back up, allowing me to read it while they did all they could to bother me.

After about half an hour, I sighed and said, “I’ll have you know that I don’t need to eat, drink, sleep, or even use the bathroom. If you want to turn this into a game of patience, I will win.”

“And until you do, we’ll be here to bother you,” Dash happily said, dropping the annoying persona she had on for a moment.

“Or I get you both locked back up again. I mean, it’s not like I have anything overly important to do.”

“And we have nothing to do!” Pinkie stated merrily. “Well, except play with everypony else. But you’re so much more fun!”

“Ugh. Fine. What will make you two go away?” I asked.

“An apology!” Dash answered.

“I apologize. Now fuck off.”

“That’s not a very nice apology!” Pinkie said.

“You didn’t say it had to be a nice one. You said that apologizing would make you leave.”

Dash snorted and said, “Well now I don’t feel like leaving.”

God dammit. Flo was just giggling at that point, so I knew she wasn’t going to be very helpful. “Alright, fine. I’m sorry for having you locked up. I know you were just trying to alleviate the boredom of a long trip and I should have spoken to you both about it before going to that extreme.”

“That’s better,” Dash said, letting me go and hopping off the bed. “I’ll see you two later,” she added, heading out.

Pinkie remained attached to my chest. “Aren’t you going with her?” I asked, already dreading her answer.

“Dashie wanted the apology, not me,” she answered.

Fucking really? “Fine. What do you want?”

“I want to play with Aerie!”

“...What the fuck do you expect me to do about that?” I asked. “I can’t control her. She’s her own person.”

“But you can make her come to you!”

“Yeah, and I bet Spike can, too.” And the other way around, unf. “If I get her here, will you leave me alone?”

“Yep!”

“Aerie.”

A few seconds later, I could hear the rustling that told me an air elemental was present. “Yes?” she breathed over her ambient noise.

“Pinkie wants to play,” I answered as the pink menace let me go.

“Very well,” she thankfully answered. “Come along, pink one. I believe we can find a few targets…”

“No pranking!” I immediately said. “I don’t much care what you do, as long as it’s done away from my room and doesn’t involve pranking.”

“You suck the fun out of things, human,” Aerie disdainfully said. “Come. We shall find something to do.” She seeped out of the door and Pinkie happily bounced after her, not saying another word.

“Finally,” I grumbled when they were both gone.

“You don’t have to be so mean about it,” Flo answered, giggling.

“I bet I’m fucking covered in blue and pink fur right now,” I sighed, looking down at my shirt.

“It’s not so bad,” Watcher answered, stepping inside the door that was still open.

“Still annoying as hell,” I said. “You read any of those books yet?”

“Yeah. Spent a lot of time going over the diary and the history book. A lot of the language used is archaic, but understandable. And there were no protective spells that I could find in Grogar’s book. It’s… readable, but I would suggest against doing so for long periods of time. The writing is dangerous.”

“Noted,” I said as he flew the other three over to me. “Think you can give me a translation spell? I’ll get to work on the others, since this damn magic book is about useless.”

He nodded and hit me with a spell. I felt it settle into my mind easily enough. “You mind if I look over that book?” he asked.

I shrugged and tossed it over. “Go for it. Just get some sleep first. We’ll be in Gryphus soon and I’m gonna want all the books back so we can make copies.”

“Alright. I think there’s actually a spell to do that, but I don’t know it. We’d need empty books, anyway.”

“Twilight might know it. We can find paper in Gryphus. She’ll probably want a set of some of these books as well, though I wouldn’t be surprised if that just tips Celestia off faster.”

“Then should we risk giving them to her?” he asked.

“Getting copies made by her would be a lot faster and cheaper than getting them made by the griffons. I’m sure her price will probably be a copy of each one she makes. I’d rather get her to do it so we can get out of there quickly. No reason to be that close to Canterlot longer than necessary.”

“Yes sir.”

“You know when we should get to Gryphus?”

“A few hours, I believe. Do you have any orders for the crew when we arrive?”

“Restock on everything that we can get. Food, clean water, anything we need. Unless we pass a pony city along the way to the Pacific coast, we aren’t stopping again until we’re where we’re going. And once we do get to the coast, we’ll probably follow the ocean around so we don’t have to fly over Mexico.”

“Understood. I’ll have our quartermasters ready to go as soon as we get there.”

“And then get some sleep, Watcher. You may be strong, but even you still need some.”

“Yes sir. I know I need it. But when things get busy…”

“Yeah, I know. Just go talk to the quartermasters and sleep,” I said.

“Alright. See you when we get to Gryphus, sir.” I nodded and he left, walking back down the hall.

Since he read the two pony history books, I popped open my chest and pulled out the human history book, the one about Merlin, and started reading through it. Sadly, I was unable to get very far. An excited minotaur interrupted me.

“Forerunner, I have news,” he said, stepping inside unbidden.

“Good or bad?” I asked, putting the book aside.

“Probably good,” he answered. “But first, a question. Where did you find that paper covered in runes?”

“Ancient pocket dimension,” I answered with a shrug. “They were part of a golem that wanted very much to kill me. That page you got was the head, which I assumed was the part that controlled it.”

“You assumed correctly! I would very much like to visit this dimension, forerunner. Seeing these golems in action would probably enable me to construct one, though I doubt I would do so out of simple parchment.”

“Go next door and get Taya,” I said, standing up and walking to the chest. He did so without question and I pulled the large book out, setting it on the bed, then reaching for a spare sheet of paper and writing a quick note to anyone that might walk in. Jak got back quickly, Taya behind him. “Alright, we’re going into the book world,” I said. “Jak, how are you with a sword?”

“I prefer my own hands,” he answered.

“Good. Taya, the ring can come off while we’re in there.” She sighed in relief, taking the thing off herself while I buckled my sword belt on. “According to Athena, we should show up in her room, but I don’t know if that will hold true with you two there with me. So we’re going in hot. Ready?” I asked as I put my knife on the belt as well.

“Of course,” Jak answered. Taya just nodded, a dark smile on her face.

“Alright, stand on my sides.” They both walked up to me, Taya on my right and the hulking minotaur on my left. Then I opened the book, allowing the tentacles to take us away.

Thankfully, we landed exactly where we were supposed to. One of the paper golem things was actually stacking books into a shelf to our right. Taya and Jak watched it in wonder.

“Alright, now imagine that thing, but trying to kill you,” I said.

“Why isn’t it attacking us, then?” Taya asked.

“Because this is my domain,” Athena’s voice answered, though I didn’t see her anywhere. “Has it been weeks already, Navarone?”

“Nah. But Jak wanted to see the runes on the golems, so I brought him in.”

And just like that, she appeared in front of us, looking the minotaur up and down. “A runemaster?” she softly mused, her sudden appearance surprising both Taya and Jak. Taya’s horn lit up, but absolutely nothing happened other than some of the runes on Athena’s clothing lighting up. “Ah, a minotaur. Not a runemaster, then, just a rune copier.”

“A… what?” Jak asked.

“You know only what you have found, nothing more. None of your kind has done experiments, none of your kind has expanded the knowledge. You found relics left behind from a civilization long passed and never thought to look for more, or to expand. Such a shame, for your culture seems poised for greatness, if you would only take the plunge. But no matter.” With that last statement, she straight up disappeared.

“...What just happened?” Taya asked.

“That insolent wretch insulted me, is what happened,” Jak growled.

“She’s also millions of years old, more powerful than any living thing on the planet, and probably knows more about everything than anything,” I said. “Consider that less of an insult and more of a wake-up call. If you want to learn, there’s probably no better place than here.”

“Hm. Would she teach me?”

“No clue.”

A voice on the wind said, “Navarone destroyed one of my golems. Create me a new one and I will teach you.”

“Deal, forerunner,” Jak said with a nod. “Though I lack your skill with paper. Your new golem will be of metal or rock.”

“Acceptable. I need something more powerful to obtain books in locations that are dangerous. Need you anything else, Navarone?”

“Nah, we’re good,” I answered.

Her voice didn’t respond, so Jak walked over to a paper golem that had not ceased in its activity. It didn’t seem to mind being observed, thankfully. “I have not seen many of these runes before,” Jak finally said. “And I know little of this syntax.”

“Can you replicate it?” I asked.

“Given time. I will likely need to return here to make notes, however. With what I do know, I can do crude imitations, but I will need to test some of my creations alongside this. Will we be able to return?” he asked.

“Yeah. I’d prefer you didn’t take your time, either. The sooner we can get some metal monsters on our side, the better.”

“Agreed. But I am uncertain as to how many of these pieces fit together. It might take months, at least until I get the basic animations down. Let us return to the ship. I have much to do.”

“Come back over here, then,” I said, patting the return book. They both stood by my side again and I opened it, making it spit us back into my room. Thankfully, it was still just as empty as it had been before we left. I put the book back in the chest and then slid the ring over Taya’s horn before she could object or sneak away.

“It will be nice to have a project to work on,” Jak said. “Something challenging.”

“And as nice as it would be to have golems on our side, be ready to drop your work if we need something else,” I said. “Until then, though, you’re free to do whatever. Just make absolutely sure you get all of what you’re going to need when we get to Gryphus. No promises about hitting a friendly port for a long time.”

“Understood,” he answered with a nod. “Now, I will go and begin.”

“Good luck,” I said as he walked out.

“Now what?” Taya asked.

“I have books to read,” I answered, walking over to where I left the one about Merlin. “You’re welcome to look over these two,” I said, passing Taya the two Equestrian history books. “Almost no one has read either of those in over a thousand years, I imagine. I’ll be looking over them myself when I finish with this one and Grogar’s book.”

“...Alright. Are they interesting?”

“No clue. I know that one is Luna’s diary, and she was heavily into combat and war, so probably. You might even find some spells or something in there.” Her eyes widened and she snatched the two books from my grasp.

“I’ll get to reading!” she happily said, setting them on her back and quickly leaving before I could change my mind about possibly letting her study. As horrible as I am for thinking it, that was actually a good thing, because the Merlin story thing was really getting interesting.

Unfortunately, fate was conspiring against me in the form of Twilight, who showed up about an hour later. “What do you need?” I asked, feigning enthusiasm as I put the book away yet again.

“Elementals are amazing,” she said, letting herself in. “And Aqua is so nice! Well, once you get her out of her shell. Did you know they change colors depending on their mood?”

“Yeah. I’ve had one living in my head for over a year now.”

“Oh yeah. What’s it like?”

“Invasive. And she’s abusive, always hitting me and taking over.”

“Am not!” Flo said with my mouth, making Twilight giggle.

“See that?” I asked. “Taking control! Next you’ll see her slapping me across the face or something.” Instead, I reached out and grabbed Twilight’s ass. “Flo, stop that!” Since she wasn’t actually doing anything, it was pretty hard for her to stop.

Twilight was just blushing, but still smiling, and I slowly brought my hand back, making it look like I was fighting.

“That was him, you know,” Flo said with my mouth again.

“Liar!” I accused. “Don’t listen to her, Twilight. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.”

“It’s definitely something you would do, not an elemental,” Twilight said, still grinning. “But with your little dragoness problem, I suggest keeping your hands to yourself.”

“Yeah, Flo. Stop trying to get me mauled.”

“Just for that,” she said with my mouth again, “I’m going to slap Kumani on the ass the next time we see her.”

“Help me,” I whispered to Twilight, my eyes going wide in mock fear.

“You’re on your own,” Twilight said. “And since I’m pretty sure you brought it on yourself, I think it’s fair.”

“Traitor! After everything I’ve done to you, this is how I get repaid?”

“Done to me?” Twilight asked.

“Oral, vaginal, anal, hornal, handies. All the belly rubs. So much more. And don’t pretend you didn’t like it! I know you’re just as perverted as Celestia.”

She was blushing even more now, but still going. “I think you enjoyed most of those just as much as I did, so those are more fair trades.”

“You wound me! Calling my prowess into doubt… Why, if I wasn’t in a relationship, I would take you here and now to prove that you enjoy it far more than I!”

“Sure is a shame you’re in a relationship, then,” she sighed.

“No regrets. But anyway, we’ve gotten way off subject. Like, by a lot. What did you need?”

“Oh, right! I want to study those books we got in… that place. Where are they?”

“Two are next door with Taya, one is with Watcher, one is right here, and the others are in the chest,” I said. “You don’t really need the elemental book. We’re going to get copies made of the others in Gryphus. Say, do you know a spell to make that easier?”

“Actually… yes! I forgot about it, but it’s fairly simple. I’ll just need plenty of paper to use as copying material. It’ll probably take about fifteen minutes per book. Maybe a few minutes extra, if I’m going to make more than one copy. And I assume I will be?”

“Yep. Well, for some of them. You’re welcome to study anything that isn’t being used right now. Hey, maybe you could look through some of the mystery books and artifacts we found, try to figure out what some of them are.”

“Oh, that’s not a bad idea. If any of those strange magical gems are useful, you could keep them with you for your journey! And if any of those scrolls have spells or things like that on them—wait, spells didn’t exist back then…”

“They might be runes, though,” I said. “We can get Jak to look over some of them. Maybe they’d be useful to him, since he’s trying to build a golem now.”

Her eyes lit up. “Ooh, if only I could stay with you!”

I shrugged and said, “Nothing’s stopping you. As long as you’re willing to follow orders, you’re welcome to stay with the ship. Same for Rainbow Dash and Applejack.”

“...What about Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy?”

“Rarity… maybe. Absolutely not, for the other two. Pinkie and Fluttershy would do little more than eat up resources and get in the way. Both might have a few uses, but I imagine they’d be a net loss.”

“Hm… Can I think about it?”

“You got until we leave Gryphus,” I said with a shrug. “I’m definitely not going to wait.”

She nodded. “Then I’ll have your answer before you leave. I suppose I should get to studying the artifacts…”

“They’re all still in the bags over there,” I said, nodding to the two bags we liberated from the dungeon. “I didn’t want to touch any of them, just in case.”

“Probably a wise decision. I’ll take them to my room, where I can set up a proper protective barrier.”

“Be careful, either way,” I said as she levitated the bags over. “I really don’t want any explosions on my ship, contained or not.”

“Don’t worry, Nav. I’ve never dealt with unknown magic artifacts, but I have dealt with a few dangerous ones. There are a few out there, just not many. I imagine a great many of the archmages at the college in Canterlot would pay quite dearly for these. Or that book.”

“They can pry ‘em both from my cold, dead hands,” I answered. “Well, except for the shit you find that’s useless. They can have those.”

“After I study them all I want,” she gleefully answered. “Which I’ll go get started on now. I’ll see you when we get to Gryphus, Nav.”

“Have fun,” I replied as she left, leaving me alone once again.

Thankfully, this time I was able to read for much longer, until we got much closer to the city. At that point, though, I got interrupted by a redshirt. “Captain Gourd needs you on deck,” the crewman said.

I set the book aside yet again and stood. “How’s the weather up there?” I asked.

“Sunny. Cool, but not cold. You might want a windbreaker, but that’s all.”

“Man, and here I thought Canada was just a frozen waste…” I mused as I walked over to the place where I kept the cold weather gear. It didn’t take me long to find something light enough to just block the wind. When I started out of my room, the crew guy was no longer there. It didn’t matter, since I knew the way to the deck.

And on that deck was three griffons, all of whom turned to look at me as I emerged from belowdecks. “Ah, human Navarone,” one of them said, a small smile on its face. “On whose authority does this ship seek to enter Gryphus?”

“Mine,” I answered. “We’re going to be there just to drop some passengers off, pick up supplies, and I might visit the king if he’s available. We should be gone in less than twenty-four hours.”

“Very well. Everyone knows you are friends with the king, so you may dock at the castle, though you will be forced to move should an actual diplomatic vessel arrive.”

“I’m okay with that. Any fees we need to pay?” I asked.

“Not at the castle. If you need to dock somewhere else, there is a fee depending on the amount of time spent there.”

“Awesome. You need to do any kind of customs check?”

“We don’t, though we will need a full roster of everyone on the ship before we can let you dock. Anyone with a criminal record will be held for trial.”

“I doubt that’ll be a problem. Captain, you got a roster anywhere?”

“Yes sir. Give me a moment.” He teleported out and was back just a few seconds later, a clipboard in the air next to him.

It floated over to the griffin, who took it in his talons. He passed it to one of his companions, who held it up as another pulled out a large, old book and began going through it, scanning over the roster.

“Just a formality,” the leader dude said. “It’s rare that we find any pony with a crime record, and it seems that your crew is made up mostly of ponies.”

“Most of which are guards,” I said. “Or at least, ex-guard. And of everyone else I have, I think only one of them has even been here.”

“Clean,” the griffin with the book said, snapping it shut. “No criminals that I can see.” The fellow with the list handed it back to the captain.

“Excellent,” I said. “Captain, you still know the way to the palace dock?”

“Yes sir, but I wouldn’t mind a guide just in case.”

“Well, you three are welcome to stay,” I said. “We don’t have much in the way of hospitality, but you’re welcome to what we do have.”

“I will stay,” the leader said. “Though I would prefer news rather than hospitality.” He held up a clenched claw to the other two, then waved them off. Their wings spread and they took off, soaring back to the city. “What brings you from the north? And why have pony trains been heading that way?”

“A huge fucking city just appeared out of nowhere up there,” I said. “Something called the Crystal Empire or something. It’s ruled by Cadance and Shining Armor, now.”

“Out of… nowhere?” he asked, confused.

“Well, sort of. More than a thousand years ago, it vanished after its leader was locked away. It just reappeared all of a sudden. With it came its evil leader. I imagine I’ll have a good talk with King Bloodbeak about it. He’ll likely want to send a diplomatic team up there soon to establish relations with his new neighbors to the north.”

“I imagine so… How could anything stand to live in that cold?”

“Magic,” I answered with a shrug. “Anything big going on in Gryphus?”

“Politics, as always. Ever since that massive change all of a sudden, things have been… interesting. Before, nobles plotted in secret, trying to obtain more power and influence. Now they do it openly. Slander and accusations fly freely and the commoners eat it up. I can’t decide if whoever thought up this strange system is mad or a genius.”

“If you ever figure it out, let me know,” I said. “Any new inventions?”

“Dozens, many with little to no practicality. Why use an engined wagon if wings are so much faster? What use is farming on such a massive scale if sinking your talons into prey is so much more rewarding? And what use is this… electricity when candles are so much easier to use and portable?”

I wonder if everyone thought like that, in the beginning. “Electric wagons means moving goods is easier. Having farmers means that the main population isn’t dependent on a fresh supply of animals and it allows those that would normally spend all their time hunting to do something else. Candles are messy and they’re a fire hazard, while electrical lights are clean.”

“True, to all points. But why fix what is not broken? What is wrong with the way we had things before?”

“It isn’t fixing what’s not broken, it’s improving what wasn’t efficient,” I rebutted. “How large of a population can you sustain off hunting alone? How much trading do you have to do with Equestria for plants and other kinds of food? Better farming would increase your nation’s independence and would make your food supply more stable. How hard is it to pull a cart that’s full of heavy supplies? Or worse, pulling one like that in the air? Having a wagon with an engine allows the engine to do the work for you. Lazy, perhaps, but considerably more efficient and safer. And candles must be replaced often. Electrical lights do need to be replaced, but much less often.”

“...Maybe. I suppose those are things to consider, at least. And it’s not magic, which is definitely nice.”

“Amen to that. What about other news? Anything from Equestria?”

“Plenty of rumors. And plenty of concrete evidence, too. Equestria is in an upheaval. The princess of the night seems to have disappeared after confessing to many crimes, though I don’t know what exactly she did. Celestia is catching her own fair share of trouble, but I don’t know the details. And of course, there’s all manner of rumors about you. There were many that thought you were murdered, when you suddenly disappeared.”

“Huh. Might have to dispel that rumor. Any events going on nearby that might affect us in the time we’re here?”

“Not that I know of. But don’t be entirely surprised if some of the politicians attempt to contact you. After all, getting the support of someone as famous as you would be useful.”

“Hopefully I won’t be here long enough for that to be a problem. Either way, I’m planning on ignoring everyone that tries petitioning me.”

“A wise idea. But it seems that we are almost there, so I shall take my leave. I have plenty of other work I need to do.”

“Thanks for the news, then. And have a nice day.”

“You as well, Navarone,” he answered before running to the edge and leaping off, soaring away.

It didn’t take us another twenty seconds to dock against the castle, our ship anchoring into place next to the skydock. “Orders, sir?” Captain Gourd asked.

“Send the pegasi out for supplies. I want to talk to someone official before I start sending everyone else walking out through the castle. Besides, no reason to get everyone lost in there.”

“Yes sir, I’ll send the word.”

I nodded and turned to go before someone called for me. “Yo Nav!” Gilda said. I looked her way. “I’m about to head off for a bit, see some griffins about my ranch. You need anything before I go?”

“You know where we could get supplies?” I asked.

“Yeah, there are a bunch of shops out there.”

“Lead the pegasi to them, if you can. After they all know where to go, you’re free to do whatever you want. Just don’t take too long, because I’m planning on leaving this place in less than a day.”

“You got it. I just hope they can keep up!”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re fast.” She just stuck her tongue out at me. I rolled my eyes and started walking to the castle, where a small delegation was waiting for us.

“Ah, Navarone,” the person up front said. “No wonder you were given permission to dock here. Will you be needing anything?”

“I have news for the king, if he is available,” I said. “And I’ll need a guide through the castle for some supply runners, if one can be provided. We have our own accommodations and we don’t plan on being here long. Oh, and if we could get a train schedule, that would also be nice.”

The dude looked back at the three people behind him. To one, he said, “Go inform the king that Sir Navarone would like an audience.” That fellow nodded and began loping back into the castle. To another, he said, “Act as a guide.” The one addressed sketched a quick salute and jumped up, flying onto the ship. And to the last, he said, “Go down to the train station and pick up a schedule.” That fellow just jumped off the side of the dock, soaring off without any acknowledgment. “Do you need anything else?” he asked me.

“Not right now. Though if there isn’t a train leaving for Equestria by tomorrow, I might need an address to a hotel or something. I got some passengers on the way there, but I’m not going to wait for a train if one isn’t coming soon.”

“As long as you don’t mind where in Equestria you go, that will not be an issue,” he said. “Train lines have gone up quickly and efficiently, after some strange pony inventions made setting tracks in mountains easy.”

“Once I’m gone, they aren’t my problem anymore,” I answered with a shrug. “How long do you think it’ll take the king to send a reply?”

“Within the half hour, I’m sure,” he said. “I do not believe his schedule is overly busy today, so he will likely be able to meet you quickly. If you do not require anything else, I have other duties elsewhere.”

“I’m good. Thanks for the help.”

“Happy to assist, Sir Navarone,” he said with a small bow. I really should put an ad or something in the paper explaining that I’m not a knight anymore, I thought as he walked off.

“Wouldn’t do any good,” Flo replied. “You have the demeanor of someone important, so it’s more likely that others will treat you like you are.”

“Feh.” When I turned back to the ship, Twilight and her five friends were on deck, staring at me. “I got someone headed down to the train station now to get a schedule,” I said. “With luck, we’ll get you on the first train headed south.”

“Psh, not without a party!” Pinkie said. “It might be soooo long until we see you again!”

What a shame that would be. “If I have time,” I said. “I’ll need to meet with Bloodbeak as soon as I can.”

“With a name like that, why would anypony want to?” Rarity quietly asked, shivering in disgust. The griffin on deck sent a very extreme glare her way.

“I would very much suggest watching what you say and where you say it,” I told her. “What would you do if some strange foreigner showed up in Equestria and started badmouthing Celestia?”

“...Noted.”

I think one of them was about to say something else, but Watcher butted in. “Sir, permission to head the shore party?”

“Sure,” I answered. “As soon as someone gets the paper we need, have them return immediately. I want to get those copies made quickly.”

“Yes sir. Hopefully the pegasi will be able to get most of the other supplies.”

“Hopefully, yeah. Oh, before you go, send someone down to Jak, see if he needs anything for his project. Tell him we probably won’t be seeing civilization for a while, so if he wants any metal, he better pick it up now.”

“Yes sir, though I think he already sent Sunshine Smiles.”

“Better safe than sorry.” He nodded and turned to one of the people next to him, giving out orders. I turned back to the girls. “Make sure you’re all packed up and ready.”

“None of us have anything,” Twilight said.

“Well, that was pretty easy, then. Find something to do that isn’t standing in the way, then. I’m sure Watcher wouldn’t mind a few extra hooves in ferrying supplies, if any of you are interested.”

“I have a party to plan!” Pinkie said, shaking her head.

“I wouldn’t mind helpin’,” Applejack answered with a shrug. “Better than sittin’ around here, just twiddlin’ my hooves.”

“I’ve been assisting your crew with mending clothes,” Rarity said. “And I still have plenty of work to do, though I believe Spike could likely assist…”

“Hey, do whatever you want,” I said. “I need to prepare some things for my meeting with the king. Twilight, be ready to copy those books as soon as you can.”

“No problem,” she answered. “I suppose in the meantime, I can go back to studying those artifacts.”

“Have fun with that,” I said. “I’ll see you all before you leave, if not sooner. But I really need to get ready.” Thankfully, they understood that and let me go. Honestly, I didn’t really need to do much, but I also didn’t want to spend too much time dealing with those six. It gets awfully annoying, at times.

I went undisturbed in my room for about fifteen minutes, when a crewman popped his head in and said, “A griffin up top has a message for you, sir.”

“From the king?”

“He didn’t say.” I fucking hope so. If it’s just from some damn politician, I’m throwing the fucker off my ship. After maybe plucking a few feathers.

Either way, I set the book aside and buckled on the sword belt as I walked up to the top. Sure enough, a griffin was waiting for me. “I have a message from the king, Sir Navarone,” he said.

“Well, let’s hear it,” I answered.

He blinked a few times before realizing he was supposed to keep talking. “Er, right. He would like to see you at your earliest convenience.”

“Lead the way, then,” I said with a nod.

“Right this way.” He started heading off to the castle and I followed. Thankfully, my crew let me go with no problems. “I’m surprised he was able to make time this quickly. Was he expecting you?”

“Not that I know of. Someone may have reported that we were flying in from outside the city, but that was only about forty minutes ago.”

“Strange. Maybe he just had more free time than we thought.”

I didn’t see any reason to answer that, so I didn’t. We continued in silence to the same sitting room I often met the king in during my time with Cadance and Shining Armor. To my surprise, he actually turned the desk around, per my suggestion, so he knew exactly who walked in. “Ah, Navarone! It is good to see you again, though I can only wonder what brought you by.”

“Happened to be in the neighborhood, after meeting with your new friends to the north.”

“I’m sorry, my what now?” I had his full attention now, as he put down whatever he had been looking at.

“There’s now a new country above yours, something called the Crystal Kingdom or Empire or some bullshit. It’s run by Cadance and Shining Armor.”

“...I see. I suppose I should call an emergency parliamentary session and request that they send a diplomatic team north. Can you give us directions?”

“Yeah. Follow the train tracks. I know I saw them snaking down this way a few times while we were going south. I bet they’d be very willing to trade for food and farming supplies right now, since they’re pretty close to starving and have no agricultural base set up.”

His eyes widened and I saw a smile creeping onto his old face. “Excellent, a chance to earn goodwill early on. I can only imagine that is why Celestia did not inform us of them.”

“Eh, maybe. I’m calling myself done with politics until my trip is over. Though if you could do me a favor and hold onto some really important books for me, I’d be very grateful.”

“Of course! What is in them, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Old history books that Celestia had burned because they didn’t paint her in a good light. One proves that she and her sister wiped a form of magic out that any race could do. The primer I found for that magic was actually written by a griffin. Another speaks of the true founding of Equestria and how Celestia pretty much despised the normal ponies early on. A few other things like that.”

“...How did you come by these?” he slowly asked. “And can you be certain of their veracity?”

“Magic and yes. On the off chance my ship doesn’t make it, I don’t want these books to be lost and forgotten. I’ll be dropping a set of copies off everywhere I have someone I can entrust them to.” Which is pretty much only Gryphus.

“Would you mind if I made further copies? If you found a primer for that magic, I could see it being… useful to learn.”

“It’s extremely difficult to learn, but do what you want with them. I don’t really care anymore. Just be prepared to put up with a lot of people calling the stuff in the history books lies, because it all definitely goes against common theory.”

“We have ancient libraries as well, Navarone. Once I read the books you give me, I will have those old buildings ransacked for any hints of corroboration. Even if I don’t find it, I do trust that you would not deceive me, but I would not give the books out as freely. When will you deliver the copies?”

“Soon as I can. Sometime before I leave. I’m having a unicorn make copies, but I need to get paper first. I have supply runners working on that now.”

“Excellent.”

“Do you have any court mages that know a translation spell? I’m going to be giving you a few other books in dead languages that might be of interest, but they won’t be very useful if you can’t read them.”

“If I don’t have any ponies like that here, I will hire one from Equestria to come up to use the spell on someone so the books can be transcribed. Are those more of the Equestria history books?”

“I don’t know what three of them are because I still haven’t looked. One is an extremely ancient human history book that talks about a great enemy that’s still alive and trying to kill things. And one is a book that talks about the journey I’m on right now, presumably explaining the reasoning behind it. I ask that you not make copies of that one, or show it around to anyone else. I need that to be a secret, unless I die.”

“Very well, then. A secret it shall be. I have to admit, I haven’t felt this excited for something since I thought you might be interested in my daughter.”

“I hope I won’t disappoint you this time, then,” I answered with a smile. “Speaking of which, how is she doing? Weren’t there assassins after her?”

“We’ve foiled one attempt already. Kat assured us that more would come, since this contractor has the weight to hire many groups. I’m worried, but confident that she will be safe. And of course, she continues to develop new machinery unabated.”

“That’s good to hear. She just needs to advertise them better so they won’t be as looked down upon.”

“I will make that suggestion, but I am leaving everything involving your machines to her. They are certainly interesting, but more than my old mind can understand or choose to deal with.”

“To each their own,” I replied with a shrug. “Any news from down south?”

“Some. Luna has vanished. Apparently Canterlot is awash with gossip about how you were murdered or stolen away by Luna before she disappeared. Your hasty exit definitely made many tongues start wagging, though both captains of the guard and the two remaining princesses assured them that your trip was premeditated and just happened to coincide with Luna’s confession and subsequent disappearance.”

“Heh. Almost makes me tempted to see if I could get an interview with a griffin newspaper, just to stir shit up. I won’t, but it would be pretty fun.”

“I definitely suggest against it. Though if you wouldn’t mind, I would like a picture taken of you before you leave, just to cull the rumors. There is no love lost between Celestia and I, but any trouble started in her nation might well spill over into mine.”

“Sure, I can do that. Just let me know when, because I’m not planning on leaving the ship again until we leave, other than for that and to drop the books off. I heard politicians were on the prowl and I don’t want to deal with that.”

“Smart. But if you are still here come this night, you and any of your officers are welcome to the dining hall. I can’t promise the ponies will be overly pleased, but I remember you enjoying yourself here last time.”

“That is an offer I might well take up. And hopefully the books will be done by then, too. You can get the picture then. Hell, maybe if I’m lucky, my passengers will have found a train and fucked off as well.”

“Are you truly so eager to leave my hospitality?” he asked with a raised brow.

“Not so much that as it is… Well, I left over a month ago to go on this long journey and I’ve already completed one part of it, but it really feels like I haven’t even started. The first leg was just to pick up more crewmembers and then I found Cadance and Shiny up north. It just feels like it’s been too easy.”

“I understand. But I have a feeling there will come a time when you’ll miss this.”

“Oh, I know that well. But at the same time, I feel the dread before the storm. You know it’s coming, you know it’s going to be bad, and you just want to get it over with.”

“Yes, I also understand that… I will not seek to delay you, either way. But sadly, our time together will have to be at an end. I was able to make some small amount of time for you, but other things had to be put aside. We might be able to talk more before you leave, but I’m afraid that I will have even more work to do with the news you bring.”

I nodded and said, “Thanks for giving me what time you could. And have fun with your work.”

He just snorted. “Farewell for now, Nav. I trust I will see you come dinner?”

“Your trust is well-placed,” I answered with a nod. “Until then.”

“Until then,” he answered with a nod of his own. And then I was back into the hall, my guide leading me to the ship.

I got back with little fanfare, thankfully, and went right back to my room, where it seemed that Twilight and Spike were waiting for me. “Waiting long?” I asked, pulling off the sword belt.

“We have a problem,” Twilight said, using magic to pull a page from Spike’s claws and thrusting it at me.

“I can’t imagine it could be too serious,” I joked, taking the page and beginning to read.

‘My faithful student, I have a new task for you and your five friends. Accompany Navarone on his journey. Equestria is currently unsafe and the Elements of Harmony have been compromised. Navarone is correct: Discord is free. Nav will know what that means when you tell him.

‘Things are not safe here right now for you and your friends. They may not be safe anywhere. But Nav has a plan. Judging by the note left by Discord in the box where the Elements were, it is a plan that Discord knows about. But we’re forced to play his game, and he wants you going with Navarone.

‘I know that it is a lot to ask, especially for your friends with responsibilities in Ponyville. But it’s extremely important that the Elements be found. They are supposedly on the path Nav is set to follow. I can only hope they are not hidden well, for I know first-hoof how wily Discord can be.

‘If you have any questions, respond as quickly as possible. With Discord free, I don’t know how long I may have before he decides a more personal, vengeful visit is in order. Without Luna here to assist me, I would likely be powerless to repel him. Even with her, it may well be impossible. We require the Elements.

‘Love and best wishes, Princess Celestia.

‘PS: Show this letter to Navarone. I fear it may be the only way to convince him to take you and your friends.’

I slowly put the letter down, my eyes going unfocused for a few seconds. Then my eyes slowly turned to Spike. “Take a letter,” I said. Thankfully, he already had writing stuff ready, probably anticipating a response. “Dear Princess Celestia. No. Love, Nav. PS: Fuck yourself with a rake.” Twilight gasped in horror as Spike finished writing with a flourish. “Send it on,” I told him with a nod.

“No!” Twilight yelled as Spike burned it to a crisp. “Nav, what have you done?!”

“Chill,” I sighed, sinking on my bed and clutching at the letter, my eyes looking over it aimlessly.

“Chill?! CHILL?! Princess Celestia just told us of a threat that could disable the Elements! And you refused to help her! HOW COULD ANYPONY BE CHILL?!”

“Because I was just fucking with her,” I answered, my voice low and depressed. God fucking dammit. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. “Tell your friends. They’re here to stay.” She slowly deflated, breathing a sigh of relief. But then my head shot up and I darkly said, “But so help me, if they don’t follow my orders, every single one of you will be confined to your quarters for the entire fucking trip. Do you understand me?”

She sighed and nodded. “I understand,” she quietly answered. “None of them are going to like this… What about Fluttershy’s animals? Or Applejack’s farm and family? Or Rarity’s boutique?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care. Not my problem. Get out.” I tossed the paper at her before she could move. “And take your shitty fucking news with you.” She grabbed it without a word, leaving. Spike turned to follow, but I said, “Not you, Spike.”

“What do you need?” he asked.

“You know if Watcher’s on the ship?” I asked.

“No clue.”

“Well, go find the captain. Tell him to meet me in the command room right now. And then look around for Watcher. If you can’t find him, send the first soldier you see to the command room. Then you can go do whatever.”

“Alright…” He didn’t move, though. “I know it seems… Well, I know it doesn’t feel right, Nav, but I don’t think you’ll regret having the girls here. They’re our friends, after all. And even you have to admit that things were pretty dull on the ship. Maybe they’ll liven it up.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it, they won’t,” I growled, pushing past him. Thankfully, he didn’t reply.

About two minutes later, Watcher and Gourd both entered the command room. “What’s going on, sir?” Watcher asked.

“Bad news. Celestia finally got off her fucking ass and realized Discord was out and about.”

“How’s that bad? It means we’ll have her support,” Watcher said.

“No. It means Twilight and her friends are staying with us instead of leaving.”

Watcher’s hoof slowly reached his face, massaging it tenderly. Flash Gourd just said, “What’s the problem with that?”

“Twilight, Dash, and Applejack, nothing,” I said. “They’ll pull their weight. But if I don’t put a knife in Pinkie’s throat before one month is out, I will be surprised. And both Fluttershy and Pinkie are banned from leaving the ship for any reason without my permission.”

“...Why?” Gourd asked.

“Because Pinkie’s a fucking troublemaker and Fluttershy is dangerously naive. I’m not having Pinkie cause an incident and I’m definitely not going to be forced to rescue Fluttershy because she did something fucktarded to help an animal. If they don’t like it, too damn bad.”

“Why are they coming with us?” Watcher finally asked, recovering from his little facehoof.

“Discord stole the Elements of Harmony or some bullshit and left them on our path.”

“...Nav, that means this entire trip is a trap.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But what else are we going to do? Flo, if you have any ideas, I’m listening.”

“All we can do is continue the course,” she calmly answered. “Free the elementals, find the Elements of Harmony, and hope for the best.”

“Then we’ll just keep going,” I said, nodding. “Even if we do have to carry dead weight.”

“We’ll need extra supplies now,” Watcher said, resigned.

“There’s no room in the cargo hold for anything extra,” Gourd said. “With the naga, the dragon, and the water thing, on top of all the other supplies we have, we’re out of room. The only thing we could do is use spare bedrooms, but we don’t have many of those anymore.”

“Do what you can,” I said. “I’m not planning on picking up any extra crew. I’d rather have extra food than empty rooms. Watcher, did you get the paper?”

“I did. It was already sent to Twilight’s room, along with the book I had.”

“Then I’ll drop the ones I have off as well. We’ll leave either after the king’s dinner or after all of our supply runners get back, whichever happens last. I can’t afford to insult the king by not accepting at least some hospitality, so I have to have dinner with him. And both of you two are welcome as well, he said.”

“I need a break after all the time I’ve spent reading and working,” Watcher said. “I’m in.”

“And eating here will save supplies on the ship, so I’ll go,” Gourd said. Then he chuckled. “Never thought I’d actually get to eat dinner with a king. You definitely have a weird life, Nav.”

“Sure do,” I sighed. “If you two don’t need me for anything, I’m going to go drop the books off in Twilight’s room and then consider drinking myself to death.”

“I believe I can handle all of my tasks well, sir,” Watcher said.

“And I don’t have much to do right now anyway,” Gourd added with a shrug. “So have fun with that.”

“Fun. Right.” Thankfully, there was no one in my room. Even more thankfully, there was no one in Twilight’s room when I dropped the books off.

Not so thankfully, Flo refused to let me touch a drop of liquor.

I was just spending time with Taya instead when Twilight found me again, floating two large stacks of books behind her. She set them both down on my floor and then just sat her ass down next to them. “So what are we going to do?” she asked.

“I’m not changing my plans at all,” I said. “You and your friends are along for the ride, nothing else. If you start making yourselves useful, I’ll see about giving you tasks and responsibilities. But until then, stay out of the way of the crew, follow orders as they’re given, and don’t be annoying as fuck.”

She sighed and nodded. “I’ll be sure to tell them. But to be fair, none of them want to be here either. Oh, Pinkie’s happy that she’ll get to see new places and spend more time with all of us. But Fluttershy’s crying about her animals, Applejack is really worried about her family and her farm, and Rarity’s worried about her business and cat. Rainbow Dash is practically pacing a hole in the deck, angry about missing her chance to join the Wonderbolt Academy that Spitfire promised her a place in. You don’t want us here… and we don’t want to be here.”

“Then leave,” Taya flippantly answered.

“We can’t,” Twilight answered, looking away.

“You try telling Celestia that you don’t want to be here?” I asked. “Or mentioned any of your reasons for not wanting to stay?”

“Of course! She promised to make sure Applejack’s farm and family would be fine and to send somepony to take care of Fluttershy’s animals. But there isn’t much she can do about Rarity’s business or Rainbow Dash’s chance with the Wonderbolts. And… we can’t go back to Equestria, Nav. If there’s a threat to everypony out there… we have to deal with it. It’s our duty, like it or not.”

Like I give a fuck. “Whatever. You’re here to stay and that’s that. We all know it sucks and that it’s bullshit, but there’s not anything we can do about it. That said, any letter you send to Celestia after now goes through me first. I don’t want her to know what we’re doing.”

“That’s just paranoid, Nav!”

“Yeah, it is. But after all the shit she’s pulled, are you surprised that I don’t trust her?”

“...No. But every letter?”

“Yes. Even your stupid bullshit friendship letters.” I mean, I already had Spike reporting if she sent anything about the elementals, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

She sighed yet again and nodded. “Alright. It’s your ship, even if it’s a wasteful rule.”

Damn right. “And you should probably be the one to tell Pinkie and Fluttershy that they are now banned from leaving the ship without my permission or without the thing being in the process of getting destroyed.”

“What?! Why?”

I rolled my eyes and explained my reasoning, about how I knew neither one of them would be much more than trouble.

“But Fluttershy has saved our lives with her animal skills before! And Pinkie’s helped us by being… well, Pinkie!”

“That’s nice. However, I have soldiers for those kinds of things. Soldiers that I would rather trust to kill an enemy than talk it down. There will be instances in which I will allow them off the ship. But generally, I want them both safely aboard where they can’t ruin anything.”

“...Pinkie’s not gonna like it.”

“Too bad. It’s for her safety as much as it is ours.”

“I’ll tell her. But you will have to deal with the feedback.”

“I’m okay with that. Hell, if you want, you can tell them that none of them are allowed off the ship without my permission. Well, except Dash, but only because I know she wouldn’t obey anyway. It’s just that the others are smart enough to not leave the ship, so I don’t feel the need to expressly mention them.”

“But… why would Fluttershy leave the ship anyway? You know how she is!”

“What do you think she’ll do if she sees an injured animal right next to the ship?”

“...Go save it?”

“Correct. And do you know how easy that means she will be to capture? All someone has to do is realize she helps any animal she sees and that someone can capture her ten minutes later by breaking a bird’s wing and chucking it next to the ship.”

“But why would anypony do that?”

“Don’t know. But it’s a risk I’m not taking. I have a feeling it’ll happen anyway, but hopefully this will prevent it for at least a little while.”

“You’re so… so… paranoid! When did you get like this?”

“...Did you even hear Luna’s confession?”

“One pony can’t do that to somepony, Nav! Yes, what Luna did to you was absolutely horrible and yes, you have every right to be angry and upset about it. And yes, what Pinkie and Rarity did to you was also bad, but this is something else, something… I don’t know! How did this happen to you?”

“Those weren’t the only three that abused me like that,” I quietly answered. “One was a naga, who was later put to death for her crimes. And one was a cat, who I’ve since forgiven. But ever since I met Celestia and Luna, they have been using me. Toying with me. They’ve used coercion to make me do several quasi-legal tasks. Threats of imprisonment. Of being made to disappear. Shit like that makes a man paranoid, Twilight.”

“...Daddy, why didn’t you kill them?” Taya asked.

“Because they’re important and powerful,” I answered.

“And if all of that is true,” Twilight slowly said, her voice truly sounding either sad or horrified, “they’re monsters.”

“The truth sucks, don’t it,” I joked, smiling for the first time in a while.

“I… I need some time to… think,” Twilight said.

“Take all the time you need,” I told her. “After all, we’re going to be on this ship for a long time.” She slowly stood, unable to look at me, and started walking back out. “And hey, while you’re at it, think about how she changed history to suit her needs and destroyed real magic.” Twilight seemed to sink even lower after I said that, and left without speaking.

“...So they’re staying on the ship?” Taya asked.

“Yep,” I answered, walking over to the pile of books. “Here to stay for some time.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m life’s bitch,” I replied, grabbing the original copies and carrying them to the chest. They all fit in easily enough, though I knew most of them would be coming out later so their respective readers could look them over.

“So now what?” Taya asked when they were all secure.

The door being pushed open cut off my answer. “There’s another griffin here for you, sir,” the soldier said. “It’s a messenger from the king. Apparently it’s about dinner?”

“Go tell Watcher and Gourd. I should probably dress in something nice…”

The guard didn’t answer, just pulled away from the door and went down the hall. Taya did, though. “Why? You’re friends with the king, aren’t you? Just go like that.”

“This is more of a public event. I may be a dick that doesn’t care much about decorum, but I’m not about to risk embarrassing my friend by not dressing appropriately. So out you go. I gotta get changed.”

She sighed and hung her head, but then looked up and said, “Can I have those two books back, then?”

“Sure,” I answered, popping the chest and handing the two relevant ones over. She gleefully took them and fucked off, leaving me to find something suitable in peace.

It didn’t take me long, since I was no longer an irritable teen looking for a chance to complain to anyone about how suits are absolutely pointless. Even though, you know, it’s true. Just in case, I tucked a knife away before grabbing the large stack of books and heading up to the deck, where the captain and Watcher were waiting. Watcher had his armor on. Gourd was nude.

“Ready?” I asked them.

“As ever,” Watcher drily answered, his horn lighting up and taking the stack of books from me.

“...Should I have dressed up?” Gourd asked, looking me up and down.

“The king does not mind,” the griffin said, walking up to our little group. “Is your party ready, Sir Navarone?”

“Yep. Lead the way,” I answered.

“Very well. Come, then.” He led the three of us off into the palace, the stack of books floating lazily behind us in Watcher’s magic grip.

Dinner was pretty awesome. The king took the books with the promise to look over them. He also got his picture, for what little it mattered.

Shortly after we got back from dinner, we cast off, flying west-southwest, toward the coast. Every head was present and accounted for, our stores were full, and the crew was, for the most part, in good spirits.

Except for a certain six, who had heavy hearts. And another certain three, who feared the trouble those six would cause.

But on the ship flew, undeterred by either the good spirits or the sorrows aboard. Onward we flew to new adventures in lands unknown ahead.

Chapter One Hundred and One—Welcome to the Jungle

Chapter One Hundred and One—Welcome to the Jungle

As miserable as most of Twilight’s friends were at the news, none was as unhappy as the Pink Menace. Not that she was being forced to stay with us, no. In fact, she seemed to take to that news the best. What pissed her off was the fact that she wasn’t allowed to leave the ship.

So she dragged Fluttershy to my room the next day to make an official protest, glaring up a storm. Sure was a shame for her that I wasn’t there. She and Fluttershy found me a few minutes later, on the deck. I was practicing with Ames and Spike was practicing with Kumani. I should have been reading, but the damn snake/fish man forced me out of my room and into the cursed sunlight.

Anyway, she jumped right in between us, yelling “NAVAR—OWIE!”

Pinkie learned very quickly why it’s a bad idea to step in front of a fucking sword, practice or not. Thankfully it was mine instead of the naga’s, so she just got one hell of a headache instead of a concussion. That said, I still wasn’t about to take a chance with a possible head injury, so I told the naga to drag her forcefully to Zecora’s room, though she tried to struggle and yell at me.

“So what did she want?” I asked Fluttershy, pulling my helmet off.

“Um… She’s a little angry that we can’t leave the ship…”

“Uh huh. How do you feel about that?” I asked.

“It’s… okay. I know you’re just doing it for our safety. But… why me and Pinkie only?”

“What would you do if I swung this sword at you?” I asked, hefting the practice sword slightly.

Her eyes went wide as she stared at it, not uttering a peep.

“That’s why, for you. No offense, Fluttershy, but you’re pretty much a coward. I will admit that you tend to pull through when others are in danger, but you have very little sense of self-preservation. And you just saw what Pinkie would do if a sword comes at her. The other four would do something besides standing there and taking it or purposefully getting in the way. So yes, that order is for your safety. If you ever want to leave the ship, let me know. I’ll see what I can do. Alright?”

“...Alright.”

“So why did she drag you up here, again?” I asked.

“She told me that I was angry about the rule.”

“...But you’re not.”

She looked away, whispering something. Gotta love peer pressure.

Before I could say anything about that, I heard some shouting coming from the door belowdecks. I looked over and saw Pinkie coming back out, a bandage wrapped around her head. She seemed rather angry and was glaring at me. “THIS ISN’T OVER, NAVAR—OOF!”

She walked right between Kumani and Spike’s practice session, getting her caught between two dragons that were slamming into each other. The naga slithered up the stairs a few seconds later, took one look at her very dazed form on the deck, then snatched her by her tail. He dragged her back below.

“What was that about?” Spike asked, watching her get carried back below.

“Pinkie being Pinkie,” I answered. “Carry on.”

“That pink pony has problems with self-preservation,” Kumani said, brushing a small lock of pink hair off her claws. “At least she didn’t bleed on anything.”

“Lord knows I’d never hear the end of it,” I sighed, turning back to Fluttershy. “Can you go keep her calm? Twenty bits says she’d somehow fall off the side next time.”

Her ears flinched back and she quickly nodded. “I’ll make sure she gets better. But… you should tell her why she can’t leave!” That second sentence was said very quickly. I knew she had to be really nervous about it for some reason.

“Alright, I can do that. After she gets better, come get me. I’ll talk to her.”

She happily nodded, pleased she wouldn’t have to try to force sense into the senseless Pinkie’s mind. The naga, bereft of a retarded pink horse, passed her as she went below.

“She will not be fleeing Zecora’s chamber this time,” he rumbled. “Now where were we?”

“You were just about to let me win, I think,” I said, slipping my helmet back on.

“Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me that the pink one saved you.”

“Hey, she blocked my sword, not yours,” I answered, readying my practice weapon.

“Then prove that you were about to win by winning now.” He lifted his massive stick, a smirk on his face.

...Long story short, turns out I wasn’t about to win.

About two hours later, I was standing next to Pinkie’s bed in her room, out of my armor and missing most of my weapons. Fluttershy stood on the other side, wearing a doctor’s coat and looking strangely concerned. She also had a stethoscope around her neck.

A cardboard box stood next to the bed, connected to Pinkie’s front leg by a string. On the cardboard box was a drawing of a line that went up and down several times, pretending to be an electrocardiogram. A tape recorder behind it was playing some beeping sounds that were very obviously homemade.

Pinkie, of course, looked miserable. She had the bandage around her head and a papier mache cast around as much of her body as she could get it in an hour. The only sign that she was faking was her hair, which was poofy and annoying instead of flat and sexy.

“N-Navarone?” she whispered, her voice sounding weak. “Is that you?”

“Nope. I’m the angel of death, here to snatch you away,” I replied, crossing my arms. Somehow, the beeping picked up and I saw a blue hoof attach a new cardboard cutout onto the box next to her bed.

“Her heart can’t take jokes right now,” Fluttershy uncertainly said, not really knowing how to deal with the situation.

“So a man walks into a bar. He’s an alcoholic and his habit is destroying his family!” The beeping slowed down and another cutout was applied to the cardboard box.

“P-please, Nav. I don’t have much time…” Pinkie whispered, her voice seeming depressed.

I walked over to the other side of the bed. “You aren’t the only one feeling down,” I said, petting Fluttershy. “I’m feeling a little horse, myself.”

Rainbow Dash snorted a laugh from her hidden position before she could stop herself. Fluttershy just blushed bright red and could barely stifle a hidden smile. Pinkie had no reaction.

“Alright, fiiine,” I sighed, walking back to the other side. “Well, what do you want?”

“A last… request,” she breathed out.

“I’m listening.”

“Let me… go off the ship whenever I want.”

“If it’s your last request, why would it even matter?” I asked. “Assuming you’re about to die, that is.”

“P-please… It’s the principle,” she whispered, her dull blue eyes taking on a fierce stare as they met my bored green eyes.

“Eh, nah,” I answered. The beeping thing behind the cardboard flatlined and Dash replaced the cutout with a straight line.

Pinkie’s head fell to the side and her tongue lolled out. “Bleh!”

“Good job, Nav,” Flo said. “You killed her.”

“Who wants to turn her body into a stuffed animal?” I asked. “I bet we can freak everyone out!”

Fluttershy’s head jerked up. “That’s so disrespectful! She was your friend, Nav!”

“Yeah, and she’s your patient, but you aren’t doing a thing to try to bring her back.”

Fluttershy eep’d and jumped to Pinkie’s side, shaking her. “Wake up, Pinkie!”

“Try mouth-to-mouth,” I said, grinning lasciviously.

“I’ll help!” Dash yelled, jumping out of hiding and knocking over the cardboard box. I just shook my head as they tried to ‘resuscitate’ Pinkie.

After a few seconds, I shrugged and started walking out. “Put those boxes back where you found them when you’re done,” I said before opening the door.

Before I could get anywhere, I was tackled from behind. “SHE’S A ZOMBIE!” Dash yelled. “Somebody save him!”

“Om nom nom!” Pinkie was fucking chewing on one of my wings. Not hard enough to hurt—quite the opposite, actually—but she was getting her nasty slobber everywhere.

“No barbequed human wings for you!” I said, turning around and putting my boot on her surprised face. When I knew what was about to happen registered in her mind, I gently shoved her back, trying not to hurt her. “I shan’t be zombie food this day!”

“Too late!” Rainbow Dash said. “She already bit you! It’s every mare for herself!”

“Betrayal!” I hissed. Pinkie sat up then whirled around, backing up to my side. I patted her head and gave her a small sign to go after Dash. “I guess us zombies gotta stick together.”

Dash wrapped a leg around Fluttershy’s neck and dragged her close, glaring at us. “Don’t even think about it!”

Pinkie pounced and Dash shoved a squealing Fluttershy forward, blocking her. So Pinkie got to gobble Fluttershy while Dash grinned victoriously, thinking herself safe. Until, of course, I hopped over them both and caught her in a bear hug, dragging her to the floor. Dash actually squeaked in fear as I began nibbling at her ear.

After I made sure she was annoyed enough, I pulled back. “Congratulations, you’re a zombie now.”

She sighed and nodded. “I guess so… Welp, time to infect the rest of the crew?”

“I suggest against it,” I said, standing. “I mean, I got shit to do. And I’m pretty sure most of them wouldn’t appreciate it. Pinkie, you can stop nibbling on Fluttershy now.”

“But she tastes like banana!” Pinkie said, looking up.

“And she’s squealing like she’s being murdered.” Thankfully, she stopped when Pinkie pulled away. “Now, that was suitably silly for my weekly quota. Pinkie, if you want permission to leave the ship in the future, ask me. Same for you, Fluttershy. I have a good reason for my decision, a reason that you both know, like it or not.”

She sighed and nodded. “Well… if I can’t keep nibbling on her, can I at least tickle her?”

“No!” Fluttershy quickly said.

“You have my permission,” I answered with a nod. Pinkie quickly went back to work, making Fluttershy yelp and start giggling like crazy. “And of course, you have my permission to tickle Pinkie, Dash,” I said.

Dash did a victorious hoof-pump. “I won’t let you down!” she said before pouncing on the unassuming Pinkie, who hadn’t heard that little exchange.

That let Fluttershy have a little reprieve, and she just laid there, catching her breath. “And Fluttershy, you have my permission to tickle Dash.”

“Do… do I have to?”

“Yes. Have fun.” I walked out as the tickle war escalated, closing the door behind me. “Man, bitches be fuckin’ trippin’,” I said as I walked back down to my room.

“Those three, certainly,” Flo said, unable to disagree.

There was a lot of really interesting information in the book about Merlin. One important detail that definitely didn’t escape me was the repeated mention of a ‘lady of the lake,’ something that both Flo and I assumed was a water elemental. Of course, that raised the question of how a water elemental got to the past to talk with him.

Unfortunately, it seemed the book was just the last part of the set. So I was able to find out about Merlin’s final fight with Discord, as well as several other important details, but I couldn’t learn anything about where he got Excalibur or how he met the elemental. Or, more importantly, how he pissed Discord off and then tried fighting him. Sadly, the writer of the book was not Merlin himself, so I couldn’t get any kind of information about his thought process, or any indication of where or when he sent Arthur and Nimue.

I did, however, learn several things that did not work against Discord. Namely, magic in general. The sword was apparently designed to fight against him somehow, but the book I had didn’t specify how, just assuming the reader would already know. That, of course, was useless.

The book also specified numerous times that despite magic not working against him, Discord wanted to wipe it out entirely. Merlin was rumored to be the last mage in existence, with Nimue as only a seeress.

Despite not having too much in the way of overly useful information, the book did have a lot of really cool stories. None of them were overly important, just fun to read.

The next day, I was visited by a mostly master race unicorn. “What do you need, Rarity?” I asked, already dreading the coming conversation. Especially considering I was trying to read another one of the books I got.

“Well, I had a few questions and suggestions, if you have time.” I tossed a bookmark on the page I was at and set the book aside, leaning back on my bed. “The first is about the… food situation.”

“I’m listening, Rarity,” I said when she paused for some reason.

“The food is bland,” she finally said, thankfully getting straight to the point.

“Alright.”

“...I’d like permission to make it less bland.”

“Can you do it without going through more supplies than we already use?” I asked.

“Well… maybe. I suppose that could be a problem I didn’t consider…”

“I appreciate the thought and I definitely agree. But we’re running off the food we have on the ship, nothing more and nothing less. Unless there’s an emergency, we’re not stopping until we get the next elemental. If you can prove to me and the small cooking staff we have here that you can make better food without using more supplies, you’re perfectly free to. Sunny Disposition is the mare in charge of the kitchen. Take that up with her.”

“Very well. Applejack and I will give it a shot, since she definitely agrees. My next concern is… different.”

“Good different or bad different?”

“Navarone, you are essentially declaring yourself independent of Equestria, correct?”

“I’m not trying to make a new nation or anything,” yet, “but I’m definitely not saying that me or my team has anything to do with them.”

“And yet all of your soldiers still use their Equestrian uniforms and armor.”

“...Fuck, you’re right. However, there’s really not much I can do about that. Jak has tools here for modifying existing armor, but not for creating new armor entirely. And we don’t have enough raw thread for creating entirely new uniforms, for the crew or for the soldiers.”

“True, we couldn’t create new armor or clothing, but we could modify that which is already existing. All we’d really need to do is remove the Equestrian images already adorning the equipment, as much as I’d dislike doing it. It would go far to create the proper image, should we ever run into a group that is… anti-Equestrian.”

“Fair point. Do you have enough tools to modify the clothes?”

“Of course. I could probably do everypony’s uniform in a week. However, removing an image wouldn’t be as useful as adding a new one…”

“And that would make it easier to do what I’ve been planning from the start, to disguise as a mercenary company. I’ll bring that up with Watcher the next time I see him. Don’t do anything until I give the go-ahead, because there might be a reason he hasn’t had any of his equipment changed yet.”

“Of course, Nav. And what would you request that I change it to, so I can begin designing a badge just in case?”

I hopped out of the bed and reached up to the ceiling, where I had my armor. The pauldrons were both together, so pulling them down was fairly simple. “See this hand?” I asked, holding one of them up.

“Ah, your red hand image. Are you sure it’s wise to use your heraldic image from when you were a knight?”

“I was the only knight to ever use it and my name was stricken from the records, presumably along with the fact that I used this image. So I don’t reckon it’ll matter.”

“Hm. Very well. I will see what I can do, though I might run out of red thread.”

“Well, there are five squads,” I said. “So you could make a different color for each squad. Or a different color for each race, since there are five of each represented. Just don’t use any colors that are really bright, because these guys specialize in dark ops.”

“I understand, Nav. May I borrow one of these for reference?”

“Sure. Just don’t have it around the edges of the ship. I would look pretty funny in lopsided armor.”

“Hm.” She pulled one of the pauldrons away with magic. I tossed the other one back on the bed. “So.”

“So…?”

She sighed, looking away. “We six are trapped here, Navarone. We’re going to get very bored, very quickly. And I believe that Spike is still rather upset with me, which is… not a good thing, for ponies trapped so closely together for any length of time. I know you… very rightly don’t think the best of me,” she looked up at this point, “but would you at the very least be willing to help me form some manner of working relationship with Spike again?”

“Rarity, that’s really something you need to do on your own. You have a lot of apologizing to do. It’s better if you approach him alone, to show that you didn’t need to be coerced into it. I can’t promise that his mind is the same as mine, but if I saw you took the personal initiative to approach me like that, I’d be willing to at least listen. That said, he was… beyond angry with you. If you approach him and he blows you off, tell me and I’ll talk to him.”

“...Very well, Navarone. I do have another question, one that I hope doesn’t offend…”

“Couldn’t be the worst thing you’ve said to me, either way,” I answered with a shrug. “Go for it.”

“Why Kumani?”

“Don’t know. I mean, she’s fun to be around, I guess. And she was willing. We seem relatively compatible in bed. I don’t really know what else to base a relationship on. I’m sure by now, you know my experience with Luna. That was the closest thing to a romantic relationship I ever really had.”

“I suppose those are decent reasons. I should warn you, though: A certain stallion on the ship has a crush on you, I believe.”

“...I’m aware. I believe he’s finally relenting.”

“I know you’re dating Kumani, but have you ever truly considered it, Nav? Again, I don’t mean to offend, but I believe you won’t be having children no matter the case. Should you not find a partner that you love and loves you?”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Rarity, we’ve been over this. I’m not gay.”

“...Braeburn?”

“Was a one time thing. Shit, even he told me that I wouldn’t be very good at it, since he couldn’t walk for an hour after we were done. Besides, Smiles tops, and I refuse to have anything inside of me. Drop it.”

“Very well. Celestia knows I…” Her eyes lost focus and she blinked. “Rather, I don’t want to anger you. If you hear me using her name like that, could you let me know?”

“Alright. Trying to cut down on taking her name in vain?”

“Trying to cut down thinking about her. Applejack is not the only one of us that is incensed that we’re forced to go with you, though she has the best reason.”

“...She’s not going to be a problem, is she?”

“Applejack knows full well who the cause of her anger is. Now, I will get out of your mane. There’s much work to be done if I want to get these patches done.”

“Alright. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. But I do suggest talking to Spike before getting started.”

“I will try. I will talk to you later.” I nodded and she left, the piece of armor following her.

You know, Rarity is probably the one I least expected to approach me like that.

“She’s also probably one of the most mature,” Flo answered.

The entrance of someone that I didn’t want to see wiped out any response I wanted to make. “Yes, Smiles?” I asked, my arms automatically crossing.

“Sir, who’s… Braeburn?”

God fucking dammit, you dirty eavesdropping bitch. “Farmer I met in Appaloosa. Why?”

“...Why him?”

“Because he bottomed and that was just a few months after Luna’s estrus. It was right about the time she started making everyone dream about me, so I was really, really pissed and looking for an outlet. He had good timing.” That doesn’t account for the second time, but he doesn’t need to know about that.

“Oh. Master Jak wanted me to tell you that all the siege weapons are finished and he’s going to be focusing on his rune project. He wants permission to melt down some unimportant metal for practice.”

“Define unimportant,” I said, my mind unable to help but wonder what the fuck happened to him so that he wasn’t mindlessly flirting on me anymore.

“Scraps that would otherwise be used for repairs, mostly. He said that he isn’t going to need that much for what he’s doing.”

“Tell him that repairs are extremely important and that we might need to revamp some symbols on all your armor soon, so not to use too much. I understand the desire to practice, but we’re on our own up here. No way of resupplying. If he uses too much and we get in a fight, we might not be able to repair our weapons, armor, or worse, our fucking ship.”

“I’ll tell him to use as little as possible, then.”

“That works. Tell him not to go under seventy-five percent of what we already have.”

“Yes sir. Any other notes for him?”

“Nothing he doesn’t already know. He teaching you this rune stuff?”

“I’m going to try to learn it,” he answered with a nod. “Whether or not he’ll actually teach me, though…”

“That’s on him. Asking wouldn’t hurt, though.”

“Well, maybe. Either way, I’ll go tell him what you said. See you, sir.”

“See you.” He left. I grabbed my sword and was about to go talk to Watcher when Applejack let herself in. “Fuck, is there a damn line out there?”

“Just me,” she said, her voice sounding… bored, almost. “Can I practice with the guards?” That’s not boredom. That’s barely repressed anger.

“...You talking combat practice?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“Go for it. But be careful. I know you aren’t exactly happy right now, and anger gives you strength you don’t always realize you have. I don’t want any accidents.”

“Alright.”

I sighed again, having a feeling where this was going. “Applejack, I have a lot of practice dealing with anger and feeling worthless. I’m going to warn you right now that this isn’t going to make you feel better.”

“Didn’t figure it would. But I’m stuck here, and I ain’t gonna be stuck here twiddlin’ my hooves. I ain’t much one for readin’ or playin’ around. Cookin’s all well and good, but I ain’t gonna be stuck doin’ that, neither. I’m strong. Fast. Honest with myself enough to know I ain’t as smart as somepony like Twilight. Figure I might as well be useful as another soldier, if you ever need one. Better than gettin’ in the way.”

“Fair enough. Follow me.” I walked past her into the hall. She fell into step behind me without a word as I walked on down to Watcher’s room. He was in there, reading through the magic book. Since I never buckled my sword on, I just leaned against the doorframe and tapped the hilt gently against the wall. He looked up. “Any of your troops got a spare set of armor?” I asked.

“We got a few with us,” he answered. “Why?”

I looked behind me, where AJ was just standing there with a relatively dull expression on her face. She saw me looking and stepped forward so Watcher could see her. I looked back his way. “AJ wants to practice with you guys. Figure I might as well suit her up in some armor as well, get her used to it.”

“You sure?” he asked her.

“Yep.”

“Go talk to Sanguine Rose. Tell her I sent you. She’s the only female earth pony we have with us, so she’ll be in charge of your training. She’ll suit you up.”

“Yes sir.”

“No calling me sir unless you’re actually going to become one of us.”

“Alright. She awake right now?”

“Should be.”

“See you, then.” She turned without another word and walked off, looking for her new mentor.

“What do you think?” I quietly asked.

“Everyone has a right to know how to defend themselves. Or to go a bit beyond that, if they want.”

“True enough. Got a question then, about armor and uniforms. You think we should get rid of the Equestrian symbols on your gear?”

“Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea, especially now that we’re getting further away. Being associated with Equestria could be useful, but it could also be useful not to be associated with them. And there might well be laws against us having that heraldry on our equipment. Suggestions?”

“Thinking we might use my red hand. It’s already on my armor, after all.”

He nodded. “I’ll bring it up with my squad leaders. If we’re going to change our group image like that, I want their approval.”

“Fair enough. When you get an answer, let me know.”

“Will do. You need anything else?”

“Nah. Good luck with that magic stuff.”

“Might well need it,” he sighed, going back to his book. I went on back to my room to continue reading.

I would literally give one of my kidneys for the ability to send Luna’s diary back in time about five or six years, before I met her. Not that I have kidneys anymore, but the point still stands. Having that book would have made life a lot easier for me. It went rather in-depth about some of her past.

Assassinations. Torture. War. Crime. Endless lies. Hints of the growing darkness and probable insanity already boiling inside. And that was in a short period of fifty years, the length of that diary. There’s no telling what she didn’t write. Or what she did write in other tomes.

For God’s sake, there were hints of her planned treason in that one book, which seemed to take place between three and four thousand years ago. The worst part is that after reading it, I understood perfectly why she wanted to do it.

Luna absolutely hated herself. Celestia used her position to get Luna to do the dark tasks. Someone had to be loved and someone had to be feared. It seemed that Celestia was the older, and thus she took it upon herself to be the role model. Despite the evil tasks Luna did, she began… enjoying herself. Enjoying the violence, the darkness she was forced to surround herself with.

Of course, that made her hate herself even more.

But none of that is really important. What is important is what she documented about spells. True, Celestia knew considerably more about them than Luna, having been the driving force behind them. But Luna still assisted.

One thing in the explanation is the reasoning behind the spells. Namely, what Grogar the necromancer did to old Equestria. From what I was able to tell, they all used to live around what became the Crystal Empire, in segregated communities. There were the earth ponies, the unicorns, and the pegasi. Celestia understood full well why they were separated, but the diary didn’t explain why.

Note that if they were around the Crystal Empire, that put them in northern Canada, where there should be little but taiga, ice, and frozen death. Instead, it was temperate. I couldn’t help but wonder how fucked up the world’s environment was.

But then along came Grogar, who did… something. If I had to guess, I’d say that he… corrected the environment. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or on accident, but he brought the cold back to the north.

Either way, it fucked with the ponies. So they migrated south. Of course, Celestia didn’t want anyone else to pull that kinda bullshit on her again, so she decided to come up with a way of limiting the power of magic in the world. Her method of doing that was spells.

I’m not going to even try to explain how the fuck Celestia did what she did, because I didn’t even understand it. I resolved to show that to Twilight and let her try to fucking figure it out, because fuck knows I couldn’t.

Long story short, Celestia not knowing how the environment is supposed to work ruined magic for everyone. Horse education, everybody.

The next day ended the period of Taya’s punishment. I debated sneaking in and pulling the ring off while she slept, like a ring fairy, but decided she might freak out if it was suddenly gone. After all, I promised retribution if she took it off.

...You know, when I say it like that, it makes me sound like a BDSM master.

Anyway, I just walked on in her room that morning and yanked it off. “Week’s over,” I said.

“So can I study now?” she hopefully asked.

“Sure, if you want. You’re ungrounded now, so do whatever, as long as ‘whatever’ doesn’t include what made me ground you in the first place.”

She shivered, her tail covering her flank. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still aching from the spanking. “Don’t worry about that,” she said, looking away. And people say spankings don’t work. Getting over her little flashback of horror, she looked back up and asked, “So where’s the book you got about magic?”

“Watcher has it. Shit’s hard as hell. I’d need to dedicate hours a day to even get the basics down.”

“...Daddy, you don’t sleep.”

“And? I didn’t say I wouldn’t try, but reading those other books is more important than trying to figure out some bullshit magic that might or might not even work. And hell, if I have so many powerful unicorns around, I’d rather just use you guys. With you, Twilight, and Watcher, I’m pretty much set for magic.”

“Until one of us isn’t around.”

I shrugged. “Like I said, I’ll start making the effort when I’m not as busy. Between me and Flo, I’m sure we can figure it out.”

“What if she isn’t around, though?” Taya asked.

“Flo lives in my head. It’s gonna be kinda difficult for her to not be around.”

“What about that time in the magic shop, when that lady blocked her out?”

“Eh. I’ll figure something out. Like I said, I’ll make the attempt to learn it. I don’t know what more you want.”

“I could teach you.”

“You said that you barely know it yourself, though. The drunk leading the blind is about as good of an idea as it sounds. And most of my time trying to learn it will probably be late at night, when I ain’t got shit else to do and everyone but the other guards are asleep.”

Flo sighed. “Come on, Nav. Just give her this. After all you’ve done for her, let her try to give something back.”

“That said,” I continued, “if you can learn more from the book, you’re welcome to try teaching me. I do better with a teacher than I do with just reading something. Just expect me to get pissed off when I can’t figure it out.”

“Daddy, are you really that much of a sore loser?”

“It’s not losing.” Technically. “You need anything?”

“A hug?” I wrapped my arms around her, then felt magic hold me as she pulled away with a shark-like grin. “Daddy, do you remember all those times you tickled me when I had that ring on?”

Oh fuck. “...No?”

“I do.”

That was not a pleasant way to spend about ten minutes.

When she was done using me as her tickle whore, she teleported me back to my room, so I couldn’t see where she went. Since I didn’t really feel like getting back at her anyway, that wasn’t a problem. Instead, I pulled out Grogar’s book.

Unfortunately, I got as far as opening it before my door was slammed open by Rainbow Dash and Twilight, who let themselves in. “Well, what do you need?” I sighed, tossing the book aside since I knew dealing with them would probably take some time.

“When were you gonna tell us Kat was Kat, huh?” Dash demanded, getting all up in my face.

“...Repeat that question, and this time listen to yourself,” I said, pushing her away from me.

Twilight used magic to pull Dash away. “What she means is, when were you going to inform us that we were on the same boat as a torture-loving rapist that horribly mistreated you?”

“Oh. I wasn’t planning on it. Why?”

“SHE’S A MONSTER, THAT’S WHY!” Dash yelled, straining against the magic to get back in my face.

“And would you happen to agree?” I asked Twilight.

“She hurt you, Nav. A lot. I think the only reason it took us so long to realize that was her is because we just couldn’t believe you actually took her with you!”

“What’s wrong with you?” Dash asked.

“She is on this boat with us because if she wasn’t, there’s a very good chance that she would be dead right now,” I said. “Before she came aboard, she told Bloodbeak about a plot to assassinate one of his daughters. This made her a lot of enemies. Yes, she mistreated me.” Understatement of the year, perhaps? “But how loudly would you be whining if we had Celestia on board right now?”

“That’s different!” Dash said.

“How?” I asked.

“She didn’t physically hurt you!”

“She slammed me against a wall once when Luna did something she didn’t like. And Celestia is the reason I was in Egypt in the first place. And she was spying through my eyes the entire time I was there. Guess who knew full well what Kat was doing to me.” Although I actually wasn’t certain about that. I know Celestia liked looking through my eyes, but I don’t know if she was watching when she thought things were about to get steamy. “And besides that, she’s done all kinds of fucked up things to me. How is it different?”

“She’s… she’s the princess…”

“Nav, that doesn’t change the fact that Kat is on board,” Twilight said. “Honestly, I don’t feel overly safe having her here. Nopony knows much about her, other than what was in your journals. And those don’t paint her as safe at all. What if she does that to somepony here?”

“Then I will slit her throat and toss her ass overboard,” I answered. “But you say that you don’t know anything about her. Why not go talk to her? Because with as little as you know about her, she knows even less about anyone here, other than me. And she’s probably really afraid of me. Kat has no friends on board. No one to talk to. True, that could be considered justice, in a way, but don’t you think the chances that she might crack increase if she feels completely alone? Why not go try to meet her? Learn about her? Decide for yourself if she’s really bad, or if she was just in a bad spot when she did what she did to me?”

Dash snorted. “I’m not gonna do it!”

“...I will,” Twilight said. “I’ve been there before, when I came to Ponyville. I didn’t know anypony but Spike and it seemed… frightening, in a way. Kat doesn’t even have that going for her. Are you sure she’s safe, Nav?”

“Yeah. If you aren’t certain about her, take someone else with you to meet her. Spike does know her slightly, so you might could use him.”

“And I won’t let you meet her alone!” Dash quickly said. “If you’re going, I’m going!”

“No, Rainbow,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “I don’t want to overwhelm her with new ponies, and you tend to be… somewhat accusatory.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Remember the crystal ponies?” Twilight asked. “You were supposed to talk to them. Instead, you scared them. I don’t want to do that to Kat.”

“Well, why not? Kat’s a jerk!”

“Try meeting her first, then deciding,” I said. “Imagine you only knew Pinkie from the time she was all depressed with flat hair and shit. What would you think about her?”

“That she needed a hug? Pinkie didn’t hurt one of my friends!”

“Alright, fine. I’ll use Celestia again. What if all you knew about her is what I just told you?” She just narrowed her eyes, looking away. “You know a tiny snippet of Kat’s life. She might be a bitch. She might be evil. But she might just have been in a bad place in her life.”

Dash looked back at me. “Being in a bad place doesn’t mean rape.”

“Depends on your definition of bad. Give her a chance or not, Dash. Honestly, I don’t fucking care. But remember that not everyone comes from happy-sunshine-ponyland. Suffering exists in this world, and Kat’s had her fair share of it. So even if you spend the rest of the trip ignoring her, I trust there will be no incidents between the two of you.”

She snorted and looked away until Twilight prodded her. “Fiiiine. But she better not hurt any more of my friends!”

“Rainbow, the best way to do that is to make them her friends as well,” Twilight said. “Now come on. Let’s go talk to Pinkie. She knows all about making friends with strange ponies!”

“Bad idea,” I said before they could get out. “Pinkie already knows that’s Kat.”

“What?! How does she know?” Dash demanded.

“Because she also read my journals and she met Kat during the Flankfurt party,” I answered with a shrug. “And uh… She kinda threatened Kat so badly that she was completely afraid of even talking to me. It took a while to get Pinkie to apologize. Not too certain she’d be willing to talk to Kat. Or if Kat would want anything to do with her.”

“...Then I guess I’ll talk to her without preparing,” Twilight said. “Well, without much preparing. Come on, Rainbow.”

“Not so fast, Dash,” I said. “Wanted to ask you something. Go on, Twilight.”

Twilight shrugged and said, “Alright. See you both later.” She wandered on out, leaving the two of us alone.

“So… what did you need?” Dash asked.

“Two points. First, Kat is a power dom. I don’t suspect I need to tell you this, but if you ever change your mind, be extremely wary about trying anything with her.”

She looked disgusted at the very thought. “After what she did to you?! No way!”

“Just making sure. You did seem pretty jealous when I gave you hints all those years ago…”

“That’s before I knew…” She trailed off, not certain how to continue.

“Yeah, yeah. The second point is that if I catch you sabotaging her potential relationships, I’m gonna be really pissed. I know how you ponies think sometimes.”

She blushed and looked away, trying to look offended but failing. “I… I wouldn’t d-do that!”

“See to it that you don’t. I’ll ask Applejack and Pinkie both to punish you.” She blushed even brighter. “That’s all I needed.”

She nodded and started to leave, but then turned back. “Hey, do you know why Applejack is practicing with the night guards?”

“Because she wants to?”

“Oh. That makes sense, I guess. Where did she get the armor?”

“Spare set.”

“...Hm. Think I could spar with them, too?”

“Any reason why?”

“Nav… it’s really boring on this ship. I mean, I could fly around and see all the cool sights, but all the bat ponies are saying we’re going places that are dangerous and that I might not be allowed to leave the ship… But if I had training, I might be able to!”

“Alright, whatever. Go talk to Watcher, tell him I sent you. He’s in charge of the training stuff. He’ll probably assign you a trainer or something and a set of armor, if there’s another spare set around here.”

“Cool. Think he’s in his room?”

“I dunno. If not, he might be with Zecora. I know they have something going on. If he’s not with her, then just wander around until you find him.”

“Alright, will do. See you, Nav.” She left, allowing me to finally start reading Grogar’s insidious text.

Grogar’s… I hesitate to call it a diary, since that seems too personal for something as dark as he was. Autobiography, perhaps? Either way, Grogar’s text was considerably different than I was actually expecting. Once again, it didn’t paint me a complete picture, since it didn’t start in the beginning of his prolonged foray into necromancy. But even as a necromancer with a lot of power, he didn’t seem too evil. More… disinterested.

There was a lot of information in that book, most of which was unimportant. It detailed his descent—or ascent, according to him—into lichdom, and how he ripped out his own soul and bound it into a phylactery that he then hid in what he called the shadow realm. His first act as a lich was raising incredibly powerful guardians around his phylactery, and then around his personal… palace? Tomb? Dungeon? Home is probably the best word.

When those guardians and the rumors of a dark power weren’t enough to stop adventurers from stopping by and bothering him, he started becoming somewhat more adventurous with his powers, raising the bodies of those that sought to plunder his dark dungeon (if you know what I mean) and sending them to patrol the general area of his tomb. After all, his research was extremely important, something he seemed to believe would ultimately benefit both the living and the dead.

Sadly for him, his undead patrols picked up the interest of Celestia. In response, she sent a single envoy that demanded he stop his foul magics immediately. This diplomat was better protected than the others, so he was sent back with an unpleasant message.

Before Celestia could attack to put a stop to what she figured was his heinous deeds, Grogar put his research into action. Basically, he used extremely powerful magic to correct the planet’s atmosphere. Even he didn’t fully understand it, he just knew that the north pole was supposed to be fucking cold. This was also supposed to have the effect of chasing off all those annoying living beings that just pestered him.

He was rather successful on both counts, though the crystal ponies didn’t go anywhere. Still, it took them a long, long time to become troublesome for Grogar. The war between the two of them went very quickly, because apparently, he didn’t give two fucks about winning or losing. He was researching something and didn’t want to be bothered, and he knew wiping out the ponies up north would bring trouble from the south. So he just said fuck it and left.

Strangely enough, the book didn’t say where he went or what he was researching when he left, other than it was extremely important and the place he was going was dangerous enough that he shouldn’t be bothered. The book did, however, say that he was going to be leaving a certain present behind for Sombra, in the form of a book. I quite wished that I could find that dark book, if only to burn it myself so it didn’t corrupt anyone else.

The autobiography didn’t clear up much of anything in my mind. It was interesting and it had a lot of important history in it, but it wasn’t really all that useful. It didn’t detail where he was going, so I couldn’t ask him more.

But you know, judging by how things in my life tend to work out, I had a feeling I was going to be meeting Grogar some day.

Kumani got me to help lay her egg the next day. I was on the deck, getting some fresh air and trying to find the captain to ask how much longer before we hit the ocean, when Kumani’s scaley arms wrapped around me. “How do you prefer your eggs in the morning?” she whispered, tickling my ear with her tongue as she lifted me up.

“...Unfertilized?” I asked as she started carrying me below. “I don’t think I have any eggs, though. Is there… something about dragon physiology that you aren’t telling me?” Fuck, I hope I don’t have to hold onto that damn egg for a little while.

“No. It’s just time for it to come out. Some are freaked out their first time, so I figured some humor would help.”

“Eh. First time I saw a dude’s head split open was probably freakier. Still, the thought’s appreciated, I guess. So how’s this gonna work?”

“Thankfully, my eggs are still pretty small. Should take less than fifteen minutes. I’ll be doing most of the work, of course, but you’ll be helping me relax.”

“Sounds easy enough. Then we toss it overboard and never speak of it again?”

“Yep.”

She pushed her door open with one arm, still holding me in place. “So why do you carry me like this, anyway?”

“Lets the crew know not to bother looking for you, I guess.”

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. “Eh.” She set me down and used her tail to push the door shut. I went ahead and divested myself of my shirt, not really sure how we were going to go about this.

(I have a problem. ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip)

She looked back at me. “Well, go ahead and take the rest off.”

I shrugged and did, soon standing before her completely nude. “So we’re going to be fucking?” I asked. “Won’t that crush the egg or something?”

“It takes a little more force than that,” she answered. “You’d break your dick before the egg, I bet.” She walked over to the bed stand and pulled open its drawer, pulling out a vial. “So you’re going to be doing something… else.” Her hand wrapped around mine and pulled me forward, then pushed me onto the bed. “Sit.” Of course, I didn’t have much choice.

One of her claws popped the vial open and she kneeled down, upending it over my soft manhood. A warm, soft fluid dripped out, slowly coating me. The claw not holding the vial began teasing me, making sure the lube covered all of the length that slowly expanded as I realized just what I was going to be doing.

“Alright. Eggs are hard to get out without a lot of lube,” she said, finishing cleaning me up with a little tap on the tip. “Unfortunately, you’re a little smaller than I am, so I can’t just sit on your lap. That would make things easier.” She put the clean hand on my chest and pushed me backwards, sending me on the bed. “So just relax.”

I had a few seconds to do just that as she draped a towel across my stomach for some reason. However, my attempts to do so were ruined when she fucking sat on me, her tailhole quickly swallowing me and making me gasp at the sudden heat and pressure. Her breath caught as well, the sudden sensation of me inside of her like that taking her a second to get used to.

Then she handed me the bottle of lube. “Your hands are a lot more gentle than my claws,” she said. “So get to applying that stuff. Quickly. I can already feel it getting ready.”

“Just… rub it in?” I asked, pouring some of the stuff onto my right hand.

“Yep. Surprised a sciency guy like you’s never seen this before.”

“Lizards in my world had a cloaca,” I said, moving my hand to her opening and making her catch her breath again. It was fairly awkward, but not too bad. “And dragons here are apparently really secretive.” I gently began rubbing into her trying to apply the lube. “How deep do I need to go?”

“Length of your fingers is good,” she gasped, grinding slightly. “I should get plenty of natural stuff as well.”

The hand holding the bottle pushed the lid closed and I set it aside so I could use that hand to rub her clit. My right hand was still gently spreading the lube, rubbing her inner walls. Between her stretched tailhole, her clit being tweaked, and her walls being caressed, she was getting quite wet.

Then suddenly, her body just tensed, making me flinch when she fucking clamped down on my dick. “Relax!” I hissed, in a small amount of pain.

“Trying,” she hoarsely answered. I doubled my efforts, rubbing faster and hoping she wouldn’t squeeze my ability to have sex away. It seemed my efforts might have been doing something, because her grip on me slowly relaxed and she took a deep breath.

“Feeling better?” I asked.

Her grimace was the only hint I got. Then she started squeezing in time with what I was assuming her heartbeat, starting from the top of my member down to the base. My eyes opened wide as she squeezed at me, torturing me with her control. I got another hint when she coughed up a large smoke cloud, then felt the tension increased for a few very long seconds as my fingers inside of her felt something.

As soon as they felt it, my dick started feeling it as well, an extra spot of pressure from another place inside of her. Not knowing what to do, I pulled my fingers out, trying not to get them in the way. In an attempt to make it more comfortable for her, I continued rubbing her clit, hoping to accelerate the process.

As the egg continued slowly pushing out, she started grinding and slightly bouncing up and down, increasing the pleasure I was getting from being inside of her. A perpetual stream of smoke or steam seemed to be coming from her mouth and nostrils as she breathed, the temperature inside of her slowly seeming to increase.

And her dragonesshood started to dilate, opening widely and seemingly increasing in size. When I looked into her gaping depths, I could see the egg moving inside. Also, I questioned every single one of my life choices that led me to writing that sentence on paper.

“Almost out,” I said encouragingly, hoping I could more easily wipe the image from my mind if I didn’t have to look at it for as long. She just grunted in response, shivering as her body pushed to expel the large embryo.

All I could really do at that point was just watch as the egg inexorably moved forward, slowly escaping the dark dungeon that appeared to be her vagina. She started leaking fluids onto the towel she placed on me a few seconds before the egg finally crowned, getting slightly out of her. It didn’t seem very slimy, but it was definitely wet. The thing was a mottled orange and white, with a few pink polka dots here and there.

“It’s pushing out,” I tensely said, since her body started squeezing like crazy when it felt that thing emerging. Hey, do you see a shadow? Wonder if I can get it to go back inside for six more weeks so we can keep fucking like rabbits. Flo just snorted.

I wisely left that unsaid, because getting hit by a dragon might break a bone.

A few seconds after the egg crowned, it made a sound kinda like a cork and just popped the rest of the way out, landing on the towel and starting to roll until I caught it, shivering slightly at the feeling. Following it was a whole fuckton of natural lubricant and then Kumani orgasming on top of it.

Sadly, I wasn’t anywhere near that stage, yet. Flo, you think you could…? She just sighed and forced some endorphins into my mind, putting me over the edge as well and letting me coat her intestines with my hot white lust. You’re… the best, doll. Thinking was kind of hard at that point, but I think she got the message.

Anyway, when Kumani had suitably recovered, she tiredly pushed herself off me, then just fell onto the bed, curling up. “Sleep time,” she sighed.

“...So you want me to throw this off the side?” I asked, tenderly sitting up.

“Sure, whatever,” she whispered, her eyes closing.

(Why do I write these things. “Sex is over”)

I’m pretty sure she wanted to be alone after that somewhat horrifying event, so I quickly got cleaned up and dressed, then went back to the deck for more fresh air and to hopefully finally find the captain. And also to throw the egg off the side, hopefully to never be seen again.

There wasn’t a captain out there, but there was a Twilight Sparkle, who gasped when she saw what I had in my hand. “Nav, is that…?” she asked, jumping up next to me before I could drop the thing overboard.

“A dragon egg?” I asked, tossing it from hand to hand. “Yeah.”

“Be careful! How am I going to study it if you break it?”

“Study it? Why?” Truthfully, I should have known better to ask that question.

“Because nopony knows much about dragons, that’s why!”

“Hm. And tell me, how many dragon eggs have you studied before?”

“Well, only Spike’s, so far.”

“...So what you’re saying is that you have a one hundred percent success rate for hatching dragon eggs that no one else thought could be hatched?”

“When you put it like that—HEY!” While she was talking, I casually tossed the thing over the side. “Nav! Now I can’t study it!”

“And now you can’t accidentally hatch it, either. I mean, it should be unfertilized, but I ain’t takin’ no chances. And since Kumani wanted me to toss it overboard and it’s her egg anyway, I think it’s only fair.”

“Then why didn’t you let me ask her?!”

“Because I don’t want no fuckin’ half-dragon half-master race running around this damn ship. That would just be silly, Twilight. Now, I’m gonna go take a shower. If you see the captain, let him know I’m looking for him.”

She just sighed, propping herself up on the rails to see if the egg somehow survived being dropped. Not that she could probably see it anyway, but maybe she was just really hoping.

The book about the ‘true’ founding of Equestria—or at least, the downfall of Discord and the subsequent gain in power for Celestia and Luna—was actually fairly boring. I mean, it was a lot more interesting than the lies Celestia had published as truth, but it was still really boring compared to the other books I read.

Basically, when Discord split the alicorns into three, each of the three hated the other two. The writer of the book (who I think was Celestia or Chrysalis) wasn’t entirely certain why, but suspected that each party might have blamed the others for what happened to their glorious forms. Needless to say, Celestia and Luna were looked upon with much suspicion, jealousy, and hate for some time.

Thankfully for them, lifespans were short since famine, disease, war, and murder wracked the land. Monsters caused by Discord or just waiting for a chance to have fun freely walked the lands, unopposed by each group in the hopes that one of the other groups would suffer from them. Needless to say, Luna and Reginald were extremely active during this time, hunting down threat after threat.

While they were protecting the ponies from external threats, Celestia was protecting them from violence within, finding ways to coerce the three feuding pony clans into accepting her rule. She managed to do this by convincing the filthy mud ponies and the pegasi that she controlled the sun and Luna controlled the moon. Since the earth ponies were farmers and the pegasi relied on the sun and moon for their weather or some bullshit like that, they fell in line.

The unicorns were more… recalcitrant. But they did agree to work with her on the condition that they were generally left alone.

So after a few hundred years, Celestia managed to pseudo-unite the three feuding races. For some reason, the pegasi were rather militant, so they made up the bulk of the defense force and protected the earth ponies, who were mostly farmers. The unicorns were the ‘scientists,’ occasionally finding new ways of improving life for each group. Aside from the occasional ambush and hot temperatures, she had them under control. Of course, she left the everyday governing to each race as they saw fit, but she had the final say in anything important.

Unfortunately, not everything good was meant to last. After an indefinite amount of time of relatively good behavior and extremely minimal contact between each group, tensions started flaring for some reason or another. Celestia needed a scapegoat that they could all hate, so she directed as much blame as she could onto Grogar, since he seemed dark and mysterious enough to be scary.

This backfired.

After the cold weather forced the migration of most of the ponies (minus the earth pony splinter group that became the crystal ponies), Celestia really needed a way to get everyone together and stop being bitches to each other. So like any good tyrant that was desperate to keep power, she invented fascism. Anypony, everypony, and somepony became standard. Each pony life was taught in schools to be equal, while just enough was taught about other races to make them seem weak, but threatening anyway.

This also happens to be around the time when relations between the ponies and the changelings deteriorated sharply, for what should be obvious reasons.

Sadly, the history book didn’t have anything else in it. Given that the thing was dated using a year system that didn’t even exist in Equestria anymore, I wasn’t expecting to be able to easily find more information. At least, not without asking Reginald, Luna, Celestia, or maybe Chrysalis.

The next day, we were due to hit the ocean. I was happy we were finally there, myself. Gilda and the naga were also feeling it. Gilda, so she could start stealing fish again. Ames, so he could see endless water instead of terrifying ground under him. It also meant we could fly much lower, since we didn’t have to worry about flyers or hills.

That was also the day I was given two pieces of terrible news.

I was trying to read another one of the books when Twilight let herself in my room. When I looked up, I saw that she was flashing her pearly whites, a somewhat glazed expression on her face. “You find a magic item that gives instant orgasms?” I asked, not bothering to close my book.

“Aqua asked me to be her host!”

“She WHAT?!” I demanded, jumping up.

Twilight opened her mouth, but an icy spike in my brain cut off whatever she was trying to say. “Calm. Down,” Flo said, forcing me back onto the bed. One of my hands went unbidden to my head, trying to fight it. “Elementals are usually extremely picky about their hosts. If my sister chose Twilight, it will be impossible to change her mind. Getting angry about it will change nothing.”

That didn’t do much to abate my anger about Twilight, but it did push it aside for my new rage at Flo for treating me like that. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to act on it. One, because she’s in my head and I didn’t feel like punching myself. Two, because Twilight was immediately in my face. “What’s wrong, Nav?” she asked, one of her hooves on my shoulder. She looked concerned, because it’s not every day that you see someone jump to their feet in anger and then slump down like a used condom.

My eyes narrowed and I shrugged her hoof off. “Ask that voice in your head,” I said. “At least I ain’t alone in having a fuckin’ brain leech anymore.”

She blinked a few times, her eyes glazing over as well. “Oh, you can control me?” she asked. A few more seconds passed and I just rolled my eyes. “Well, as long as you don’t do it without an emergency, I don’t really mind that much. Otherwise, please ask first.” She went silent again. “Oooh, this is so cool! I’ll never be alone on those late study nights ever again!”

God fucking dammit. It was supposed to be one of my crew! How the fuck am I supposed to control the girls now?

“Relax,” Flo said. “This is probably for the best. Aqua can only help Twilight grow more powerful in magic.”

Didn’t make me feel any better. But I knew I could say something that would make both the elementals in the room suffer. “So has she told you that she can hurt you and give you orgasms yet?” I asked.

“...She can?” Twilight slowly asked.

“Yep. Flo here likes making me cream my pants at the worst times, too.” I heard a wet slap in my head and knew she was facepalming.

“...You wouldn’t do that, would you?” Twilight asked. “What do you mean, only if it’s funny?!” Twilight quickly looked shocked. “But the princess would never…” Then she looked kinda pensive. “Nav, would Princess Celestia ever tease somepony in public like that?”

“Absolutely. She loves to use her hair and tail for it, because she can pass it off as an accident in case she gets caught. She’s done it to me a few times. She’s also groped my ass at least once in public with magic. She never took it all the way, though.”

“Well, it’s the little things,” she sighed. “So why did you seem upset when I told you?”

“Surprise,” I lied with a shrug.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Aqua says you’re lying.”

“Aqua’s never seen a human before me, Twilight. She’s going to get my mannerisms confused.”

“Were you lying?”

“Of course not.” Her horn lit up. “God fucking dammit.”

“So why were you angry when I told you?” she asked again.

“Reasons. Reasons that aren’t important.” Her horn lit up again. “That’s a fucking opinion, you stupid horn!” It was still lit up. “Oh, you wanna go, bitch? I’ll punch you so har—Wait, you’re a horn. Twilight, get a better lie-detecting spell.”

She was just smirking like crazy. “I wasn’t even casting it,” she said, finally giggling. “I was just using a light spell!”

My face slowly lowered into my hands. I’ve been awake too long for this shit.

“So… why were you upset?”

I just sighed, reached over to my bedstand, slipped the ring on, then grabbed Twilight’s head. “NOOGIENOOGIENOOGIE!” I shouted, grinding my knuckles across the top of her head before jumping off the bed and running the fuck away. She was way too shocked to even think about following me.

Since she was going to need some time to cool down, I just got to the top of the deck, slipped my ring off, then flew up to the top of the balloon holding us afloat. I laid back on it, then slipped my ring back on so Twilight couldn’t teleport me down. It was relaxing up there, with a wide blue sky above me and relative safety from the bullshit of ponies all around.

...The key word there is relative.

I was sitting in silence, aside from the gentle hum of the airship below me, when one of the last things I expected showed up. Of course, it shouldn’t have been one of the last things, given who was involved. Namely, it was Pinkie air-surfing, riding on some kind of wooden board. “Heya, Nav!” she called, swooping in closer. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Chillin’,” I answered, lying back down from where I had looked up. “Having fun with Aerie?”

“Yep! And she feels really weird in my head, too!”

I wonder if anyone would notice if I just slid off the balloon and kept falling. “So you’re her host, now?” I asked, my voice dull and leaden.

“I dunno, I guess? She asked if I wanted to be friends with her forever and I said of course and then she giggled and I heard her in my head and it was so cool! And now she’s taking me surfing! How awesome is that? Ooh, I bet Dashie’ll be so happy that I can fly with her now! Come on, Aerie!”

When Pinkie swooped away, I just sighed and tried rolling off to finally kill myself, but Flo stopped me. “This isn’t as bad as you think, Nav. Yes, it means you won’t have as much control over the two elementals as you were hoping, but this is a good thing. Pinkie can’t be driven insane by Aerie because she’s already insane. And Aqua will help Twilight concentrate, improving her spellcasting and thinking abilities. So really, this might be the best outcome there could be.”

I didn’t answer, but I also didn’t bother trying to fall off again. Instead, I just closed my eyes and thought.

The book about the elementals really didn’t have that much information, either. The main idea behind the book was to list names of those lost in the war, as well as those that survived, either free or locked away. Since the list of those that survived was longer than those that Flo said currently existed, minus the air elementals, I knew the book wasn’t quite up-to-date. At least reading how some of them died was pretty interesting, as it went into detail. Better than the Begats section of the Bible, at least.

What was considerably more important was the world map of the locations of where the air elementals were hidden. The pages seemed to have some kind of encryption on them and none of the locations looked like any place I had seen. Don’t get me wrong: I haven’t been everywhere on the planet, so that’s not too surprising, but I didn’t even recognize these from a world map. Flo didn’t seem to know where any of them were, either.

Since neither of us knew what the hell those pages were talking about, I took them down to Watcher, hoping he might before Flo had to break out some decryption bullshit. “You make heads or tails of this?” I asked, dropping the open book on his desk.

“That phrase means something very different to ponies than it does to humans,” he idly said, looking over it. “Map. Encrypted. I’ve never seen this encryption scheme, though…”

“Think you can crack it?” I asked.

“Maybe. It would probably take a while, though. What is it?”

“Map of the air elementals,” I quietly said, hoping Aerie wasn’t nearby. “They got locked up by the other elementals. These are supposedly their locations.”

“Hm. I actually have an expert on this kinda stuff on my team. Maps, encryption, finding hidden things, cracking passwords. All that fun stuff. Want to give it to him?”

Flo said, “I can probably figure it out, Nav. I have all the information on encrypting things in the laptop. It’ll just take me some time.”

“Better two minds than one, Flo,” I said. “And you have a photographic memory, so you already know what all the pages look like.” Watcher didn’t seem nonplussed to be sitting in front of someone talking to himself.

“Fair enough. Though I’m wary of allowing the book that we do not have other copies of on board to be handled by indelicate hooves.”

“That’s a fair point, but Watcher wouldn’t have called him an expert if he didn’t know what he was doing.”

“Very well, Navarone. I suppose it will give one of the ponies on the ship something to do, at least.”

I nodded. “Go for it, Watcher.”

“He’s asleep right now, or I would have you drop it off, but I will get it to him as soon as he wakes up,” Watcher answered with a nod. “I assume he’ll need a translation spell to read this?”

“Yeah. That shit’s in some hella old language. Tell him to come to me if he has questions. Aside from the elementals, I’m probably the only one here that knows anything about this stuff. Oh, and Aerie is not to find out about this book.”

“Yes sir. You need anything else?”

“You look like you could use a hug.”

“I probably could. I’ll see you later.”

I shrugged and left, since he didn’t seem interested in me hugging him. While I was walking back to my room, I found Gilda. “Yo Nav, we’re hitting the ocean in five. You mind if I take Dash out, show her how to ride the ocean winds?”

“Go for it. Just don’t get too far from the ship. We’re not going to be stopping, so don’t get distracted and lose us.”

“Awesome. You want to join us?”

“Nah. I’m slow as hell on these wings. I could ride some winds, but I’d never keep up.”

“Alright, whatever. See you.” She went on back to the deck and I made a turn to head to the cargo hold, where Aqua was.

Thankfully, she was alone when I got there, though she wasn’t the same blue color she normally was every time I usually saw her. “What do you require?” she asked when I got close enough, though she didn’t look up to face me.

“We’re coming up on the ocean in a few minutes. You alright with just jumping over the side, or do you need to be lowered down?”

“I would prefer that we be low, but being able to change one's body shape allows for easy and graceful dives from almost any height.”

“Awesome. Well, say your goodbyes and shit. Get topside when you can.”

“Hm.” I took that as a sign for me to leave, though it seemed that she disagreed. When I turned my back, several tendrils of water shot out and dragged me backwards, holding me in place. “So what is your problem with my host?” she asked, her voice low and somewhat hostile.

“Zus, laat hem nu vrij!” Flo shouted with my mouth.

“Nee, zus. Hij zal mijn vraag beantwoorden. This has plagued Twilight’s mind for a while, human,” Aqua said, her bands of water tightening across me.

“Secrets and private thoughts are not meant to be shared,” I said, struggling against her fruitlessly.

“Meant to be or not, you will tell me. This is for Twilight’s mental well-being as much as it is yours. My sister has had her mind colored by the darkness in you. Harboring secret dislikes is toxic. Airing your differences is the first step to getting around them.”

“And lying holds civilization together!”

“But destroys individual relationships. Secrets are important, but lies are dark, insidious. I could pull the information from your mind, but do you not see that it is more important to tell me yourself? How can you deny such wisdom?”

“I will not be coerced, elemental! Release me!”

“You fight against something that would help you? That would make you feel better? I know you ache, I know you are depressed. Any that is well-versed in reading others can tell. Such an action would do you no end of good.”

The only warning either of us had was growling before two scaly hands wrapped around me and ripped me away. “And it is not his choice, you watery freak,” Kumani said, pushing me behind her. I could see smoke coming from her nostrils as she said, “And if you even think about putting another one of those tendrils near him, we’ll see how well you survive being evaporated!”

Aqua drew herself up to tower over Kumani, her body becoming more narrow and much more red. “Do not think you can cow me, dragon! He is your lover, is he not? Would you not want him to get better? To be more loving? Resolving his differences would help his mind!”

“His differences are who he is! And dragons don’t care as much about love as we do strength, even if it’s not physical.”

“How can you be stronger than being willing to overcome your personal fears? What sign of strength is better than improving yourself against the odds?”

“Being willing to fight back against a bully like you!”

Aqua reeled back, almost as if struck, and instantly turned a deep blue. “How is it bullying to make him help himself?”

“Using strength to make someone do what you want is what bullying is!” Aqua looked away and shrank back. “Come on, Nav.” She backed away from the elemental, making sure I stayed behind her. Shit, I wasn’t in a hurry to get caught by it again. Those tendrils were fucking tight.

“What a bitch,” I said when we were out of the area she took to calling her own.

“Yeah. I thought you said those water things were supposed to be nice. That one in your head doesn’t do that, does she?”

“Not like that.” Of course, you don’t have a body to make me do things.

Flo used my mouth to say, “I have mellowed with age and being trapped, conscious, for so long. Aqua was in the mind of the evil Sombra for some time. But for the rest of her time trapped, she was frozen, unable to think. She was trying to help him, but she was doing it in a way that was monstrous.”

“That was Flo, right?” Kumani asked me.

“Yeah. When she uses my voice, she puts inflection and life into it. Otherwise, it’s pretty dead.”

“Oh, so that’s what those tones were. I’m just so used to not hearing it from you that I stopped listening for it.”

“So anyway, were you looking for me?” I asked now that we were in her room. All the gold and gems that decorated her bed before were now gone and the room seemed at least slightly cleaner. Her scales also seemed slightly less shiny, but that might have just been the relatively poor lighting.

“I just heard shouting. But I guess while you’re here, you might as well teach me more letters. It should go faster now that my mind isn’t so clouded and you don’t have to eat me out.”

“Hey, I don’t mind doing that. You don’t have a bad taste…”

She gave me an odd look. “Why would I want you to? Mating season’s over.”

“And? Doesn’t mean we can’t have sex.”

“Well, I guess we could, but I really don’t feel like it. I mean, you did help me through mine, so I guess the least I can do is help you until yours ends.”

“...Kumani, humans don’t have a mating season.”

She blinked a few times. “So when do you mate?”

“Whenever we want. Shit, we’re pretty much horny from the time we hit puberty until the time we die. Are dragons not like that?”

“When our mating season ends, we have absolutely no sex drive. At all. How can you possibly live like that?”

Shit, I was going to ask you the same. “By having sex whenever we want? Most other races seem to be the same.”

“Huh. Well, you have hands. And I guess if I get really bored, we can go at it. But hopefully that won’t happen much, now that you’re teaching me to read.”

“Welp, good thing you didn’t really want to learn. So, wanna fuck?”

“Good one. Here, let me get the paper.”

As she pulled out some sheets of paper and a pencil, there was pretty much one thought on my mind: Oh god, why have you forsaken me? And just what the fuck did I get myself into?

Since I finished all the other books that Twilight said weren’t magical in nature, I began looking over the three random books I found in the bag, collected by someone who came before us in the book world. When I spared them a glance when I first found them, I didn’t recognize the language offhand. And since I was still under the influence of the translation spell, I didn’t bother looking at the languages a second time.

So I was quite surprised when each one turned out to be human books.

One of them was completely useless, just filled with a collection of poetry in various different languages that I tossed aside and decided to give to Rarity. I didn’t bother reading more than a few.

The second was about some monastery in China. It seemed boring and unimportant, so I decided to either give it to Twilight or just throw it off the side to save space. Then I remembered that Kumani had no sex drive at all and decided to hold onto it for reading later, if I ever got really, really bored.

The third was some legends about dragons in ancient China. Since I doubt it showed any kind of reproductive habits to help me convince Kumani to put out, I didn’t bother reading it and just decided to give it to Spike or something. Not like I cared about old dead legends that don’t mean shit anymore. Equestrian dragons are big and bulky, not thin and spindly.

All in all, I figured those books were a complete waste of fucking space. Ah well.

Spirits seemed fairly high as we got closer to our next destination. Twilight was somewhat depressed that Aqua was off the ship, but she was still able to talk to her new friend in her head, though apparently she didn’t get the memo that she could just think at the elemental and not have to talk to her. That made for a few awkward moments, all of which I took advantage of exactly as you would expect me to.

Pinkie continued Pinkie-ing around the ship with Aerie, doing her best to get into as much trouble as possible while pretending to be innocent. Since that was normal, I didn’t have to punish her any more than necessary. Still, she seemed more… manic than usual. Whereas before, Pinkie had a few sane moments of extreme clarity, she didn’t seem to have even those, or at least not as often as usual.

And of course, our stock of fish went way up as Gilda got bored and went fishing. Since she could fly with Dash while doing it, that happened often, though Dash didn’t often partake in the fishy rewards.

It was a fairly pleasant half-week or so that we spent flying down the coastline, staying well away from the land, both the relatively lifeless wastes of western Equestria and the lawless wastes of Mexico. I didn’t want the ship to run into any trouble, so I made sure we stayed well away from those places, and that we increased our altitude whenever we saw a boat in the water. We already had one pirate ship, after all, and didn’t need another.

As soon as we got around Central America, I had us keep well away from the land, because all of South America was supposed to be a hellishly dangerous black hole that steals the lives of anyone that tries to explore it. Since we had a dragon and a griffin on board, I had them guide us around it, making sure we stayed close enough that they could see the land but hopefully whoever was on it couldn’t see us.

I have to say that I was somewhat disconcerted by what they had to say about the place. “Looks like… snow,” Gilda said, peering through Watcher’s telescope.

“Snow?” I asked. “The fuck you smoking?”

“Hey, I didn’t say it was! I said it looked like snow.”

Kumani took the telescope and looked through herself, her eye narrowing in the hopes of getting a better sight. “She’s right. It’s not covering everything, but there’s a lot of white over there. Plenty of trees, too.”

“You see anything flying?” I asked.

“Nah. You?” she asked Gilda, passing the scope back.

Gilda peered through with her hawk eyes. “Hm. Really hard to tell, since we’re so far. Doesn’t look like anything flying, though for all we know, could be a ton of birds up there.”

“Anything shiny?” I asked. “Or looks like it might be emplacements?”

“Too many trees and snow in the way,” she answered. “The white stuff is kinda shiny, but that’s normal for snow, right?”

Rainbow Dash, who was with us on the deck, scoffed. “Can’t we just fly over there real quick, Nav?” she asked. “Nothin’ can keep up with us!”

“No. We’ll fly in when we’re as close to our destination as we can get. If me or Watcher thinks it looks too bad, we’ll just scrap the mission and come back with more water elementals. Still plenty of frozen ones I can save that might not turn out to be total bitches. Maybe some can even help us fight our way through whatever’s there.”

“Then why aren’t we just doing that first?” Kumani asked.

Flo hijacked my voice to say, “Because they would feel obligated to help us if we saved them in such a manner. This elemental is free. If we can convince her to assist us, it will look much better to the other free water elementals.”

“Seems pretty stupid to me,” Dash muttered. No one else commented on it.

But Gilda did comment on the land, though. “As far as I can tell, it’s safe.”

“I’m sure that’s what all the other explorers said,” I answered. “We still have a day until we get where we’re going. Maybe we can see more later. Kumi, let’s go read some, eh?”

“Alright, whatever. Though next time we’re going to practice sparring. You really need some more claw-to-claw training.”

“Man, I don’t even have claws,” I said.

“Then what are those things at the end of your fingers?”

Fuck, she got me there. “Finger nails. They break very easily, though.”

“How in Tartarus did your species survive, again?” I just sighed as we went belowdecks.

As I said, the next day heralded our journey into the forbidding land itself. Since no one really knew what to expect, I had everyone on deck, combat ready. Thankfully, it was around fall or so in the southern hemisphere. So for one, I was back to sleeping. For another, instead of being monstrously hot, it was just somewhat hot. Still hellishly humid, though.

Needless to say, wearing armor was hell.

I had my two spotters watching the land as we got closer. We were going to come in over the trees, of course, but if there were flyers, they could still get to us. Or if there were ranged weapons or emplacements, they might be able to attack our ship. None of us had any idea what to really expect as we got closer.

“Huh. That snow stuff is kinda… everywhere,” Gilda said. “I can see some green poking through it, though.”

“Can you see anything else other than green and white? Hey, maybe they just have some Christmas spirit.”

“See some sand,” Kumani said. “And a few clearings, though not many. That place definitely looks like a jungle.”

“Well, it is the fucking rain forest. Or at least, that’s what it should be. Hey, maybe we’ll find the fountain of youth.”

“That would be really interesting,” Twilight said. “But isn’t it rumored to be in Equestria instead?”

“Feh. Who wants to live forever, anyway?” I asked. “Anyone else see anything? Any ships around us? Flyers on any of our sides?” I got negatives all around from the other groups I had watching. “Good. Captain, make this ship go as fast as you can. I want to hit that land as hard as possible as fast as possible and not stop until we’re at our destination.”

“Aye aye. You heard him, helms. Kick it into overdrive.”

“With pleasure.” I felt some kind of engine rumble to life under our feet and the ship shot ahead, picking up speed. “We can’t hold this speed for long and we’ll need to refuel at the next pony port we find, but if our map is right, we should be able to maintain this speed for long enough to get to the target.”

“Excellent,” I said. “Watcher, can your troops put up a shield?”

“Not covering the entire ship,” he answered. “But if we’re going to get attacked, it’ll be from the bottom. We can cover that area. But note that it’ll make us worthless if we have boarders.”

“Think it’s worth it?”

“Hard to board a ship going this fast, sir. And that’s what we have repellers for. And a well-trained crew, Twilight, and your daughter.”

“Do it.” His horn and those of the other two guard unicorns on deck lit up, then beams of light flew off the sides, bending over the railing, aiming down.

“Hittin’ land real soon,” Kumani said, her wings spreading in anticipation.

“You want a flight screen out?” Watcher asked.

“Defeats the purpose of the shield,” I said, shaking my head. “If we get attacked, feel free to take advantage of your wings. But be very wary about attacks coming from below. Gilda, Kumani, can you tell what that white stuff is?”

“...No,” Gilda said, poking her head over the side. “I’ve never seen anything like that…”

“Me either,” Kumani said. “Well, nothing like this.”

“Anyone else?” I asked. We were flying over the first rows of trees, now. A few heads hesitantly poked over the side so they could get a better view.

“Looks… familiar,” Twilight said. “I think we should get Fluttershy on deck, Nav.”

“...Applejack, go get Fluttershy,” I said. She shrugged and started trotting down below. “Why, Twilight?” I asked, thinking I might well regret hearing an answer.

“I’m… not sure. But I think she’ll be able to tell us what that stuff is.”

“Well, we’ll find out. Assuming Applejack can get her scaredy ass up here.”

There was a tense silence as we continued passing over the forests. We should have been high enough up that nothing could really pose much of a threat unless we saw it first, but should and would don’t build no damn bridges. Still, I was crossing my fingers.

It didn’t take Applejack too long to drag Fluttershy out. She didn’t seem too frightened, but looks can be deceiving. “What did you need?” she quietly asked, her eyes slightly wider than usual.

“Poke your head over the side. Tell me what you see,” I told her.

“But… didn’t you say this place was dangerous?”

“We’re just fine, aren’t we?”

“Um…” She just looked over to the railing, not moving.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to her. “I’ll stand next to you. Ain’t nothing gonna hurt you with me there, alright?”

“...Okay.” She timidly walked to the side, then peeked over. “Hm. Nav, why are there so many spider webs down there?”

“So many what?”

Just as that last word left my mouth, I saw several black masses below us shoot a ton of white strings at our ship. My eyes widened as they flew up with unerring accuracy, bypassing the shielded bottom of the ship entirely and settling on the railings all around the boat.

“BOARDERS!”

Chapter One Hundred and Two—Come into my lair...

Chapter One Hundred and Two—Come into my lair...

Several shocked expressions looked my way at that line. I was too busy calling orders to pay much attention to them. “Fluttershy, below!” She squeaked and fucking vanished, the door to the lower level slamming shut. “Cut these damn ropes!” As I said that, I pulled out my sword and started doing just that. Unfortunately, the things were fucking hard. “Watcher, make sure the propeller is secure! If we get bogged down, we’re fucked!”

“It’s secured!” he called, his horn glowing brighter.

“Taya, Twilight, to the middle!” They jumped to obey, thankfully not questioning me. “Everyone, pick a unicorn and guard them! Unicorns, get to cutting these fucking ropes!” Those that were shocked before jumped at that order and all the horns on the deck lit up. Unfortunately, not much seemed to be happening, since the ropes were just that fucking strong.

“Can we fly?” Gilda asked, her wings already spread.

“Last resort only! These spiders will shoot you out of the fucking air, I bet. Protect the unicorns!” Her eyes narrowed, but she followed the order, standing next to Twilight.

The ship seemed to fold into silence, accentuated only by the odd twang of the occasional cut rope as the unicorns, the naga, or I managed to pierce one. Of the thirty or so that struck at us, I think we managed to cut off less than half before the first spider the size of Big Mac pulled itself over the side.

It just had to be fucking spiders, didn’t it? I thought to myself as I bisected several of its legs before it could get all the way over the side and kicked what was left over the side.

Something yanked me backwards by one of my wings as another one landed where I had been standing. One of the unicorns shot it over the side as well, though I saw another rope quickly attach where it had fallen.

“Go for killing blows!” I shouted over the din of battle, unicorns shooting and the ponies doing their best to hold their ground.

Sadly, I didn’t have the luxury of cutting more ropes, since the battle had definitely started in earnest. Massive spiders were crawling over the edges, their chitinous eight legs clicking nastily on the deck as they moved in to surround the crew, most of which was situated in the middle of the deck.

“Naga, to the helm!” If the spiders captured the helmsman, they could force us to fly anywhere they wanted us to.

Ames didn’t answer with words. One of his massive hands grabbed a spider by one of its legs and dragged it into his sword, then started slithering to the stairs heading up to the stallion that was protecting the wheel.

Shouting orders drew the attention of all the spiders to me, and since I wasn’t in the middle with the others but instead closer to the edge, they quickly began converging on my location. I shuddered in my armor as I saw their eight-eyed gazes shift to me, mandibles clicking in what I could only assume to be sick glee.

In response, I sprinted to the main group of unicorns, most of which were shooting (hopefully) lethal bolts of magic out into the mass of spiders. A blast of something caught one of my wings and jerked me to the side before I could get there, and I was spun to face one of the giant spiders right in front of me.

Before I could react, it lifted on its four back legs and moved its spinneret to face me, where I learned that the ropes they were using were web. My sword jammed into its abdomen before it could shoot off any more of its webs to ensnare me, making its body twitch and then its legs curl up around me and the sword still inside.

I had a minor panic moment when I thought it was trying to bring me closer to bite me, but then I realized that it was just dead and that’s what spiders do when they die. One of my hands pushed it back, forcing it and its nasty legs away from me. But before I could get to the group, another spider replaced it.

Instead of trying to spin me up, this one just pounced on me, dragging me to the ground. Two of its front legs began striking over and over at my armor, trying to get to the sweet, juicy meat within. The other two front legs were holding my arms down, making me unable to strike at it.

In response, I pulled my legs up and kicked the motherfucker with both legs, pushing it up and off me. Of course, spiders are, as ever, strong and fast, so it was back on me just as quickly. This time, however, I had my sword up. When it pounced on me again, it got a body full of ancient, hallowed steel. I rolled over, pulling its already curling body with me, and jerked the sword out, then stood.

About five of the spiders were still left, all up on the helm with the naga and the helmsman, both of whom seemed slightly overwhelmed, though they were doing well anyway. As I sprinted up the stairs, the naga killed another one and the unicorn crushed one, leaving just three left.

Their eight eyes didn’t do them any favors against me, and I caught one off guard, cutting straight through its backside and leaving it writhing on the ground, fluids of some kind leaking out of the back. The helmsman used magic to slam one of the remaining ones into the other as they both tried to take on Ames. The naga took advantage of that and sent one off to the void, nearly cutting the entire thing in half.

The two of them turned to the other, who seemed to have some broken legs, just as I jumped and used my wings to push myself on top of it, forcing it to the ground. “Hold it down!” I shouted, wanting it alive.

Both of them seemed to understand, and Ames quickly slithered close, then used his tail to wrap the spider up, despite its furious writhing.

“Helm, straight up! As high as we can go!”

The dude blinked a few times, the combat fervor in him and his bloodlust high, before nodding and numbly turning back to the steering wheel. Soon, we were soaring straight up, though there were still a few webs hanging from the side.

“Twilight, get up here!” I shouted over the sounds of the wounded and the clicking of the spider’s legs on the deck. A second later, a visibly disturbed Twilight teleported up to where we were. “Hold this thing down!” I ordered. Her eyes widened and she did so, each of its legs flattening against the ground.

Ames and I hesitantly pulled back from it, not sure if either of us trusted that it would actually be restrained. Despite the awful hissing sounds it was making, it didn’t seem like it was going anywhere.

“Naga, guard it. Twilight, make sure it doesn’t go anywhere.” They both seemed to understand and I ran to the divider between the helm area and the deck area, looking at the damage. Then I immediately discarded it as currently unimportant. “Watcher, cleanup! Throw all the spiders off the side, dead or alive! Earth ponies, find all our wounded, get them to the center! Gilda, Kumani, cut those fucking ropes!”

Each person I called scrambled to do as I said. Well, not each person… “What do you mean, throw the live spiders overboard?” Dash demanded. “You can’t do that!”

“Fucking watch me,” I growled, not even looking at her as I started looking for webs on the side of the ship to cut. She either realized it wouldn’t do any good to debate the point or she realized there were better things she could be doing, because she shut the fuck up.

About five minutes later, our ship was too high to attack and presumably clear of any spiders but our prisoner. All the webs that we could find had been sliced through. “Ship’s clear!” Watcher called.

“Applejack, go find me the strongest rope or chain you can find,” I said, walking over to Watcher.

“You got it,” she answered, awkwardly running below. She still wasn’t quite used to that armor.

“Losses?” I asked Watcher.

“Five injured. Two are poisoned. Never seen anything like this poison, sir. Zecora, Kat, and Nightshade are looking it over now.”

“They gonna make it?” I asked.

“Probably. Did you catch one alive?”

“Yep. Up top, next to the helm.”

Watcher nodded, then turned to where Zecora was working. “We got a live one at the helm,” he called over her way. She looked up, then motioned Nightshade up. “If they can get the poison, an antidote should be easy.”

“Good. No deaths? No kidnapping?”

“No sir. We were extremely lucky. I think they were looking for prisoners. Probably expected us to be a merchant ship, not a military ship.”

“If they’re intelligent. It’s possible they’re not.”

“Something unintelligent wouldn’t attack like that.”

“It’s never simple, is it?”

“No sir.”

As he said that, Captain Gourd walked up. “All present and account for,” he said with a nod. “Orders?”

“Hold at this height,” I said. “No moving. Double watches. Comb the ship, make sure we got them all. That includes inside; I broke into this ship once, so I know it’s possible. We don’t know what they can do with magic, so we’ll assume it’s compromised until we do a sweep.”

He nodded. “Aye aye.”

“Yes sir,” Watcher said, then went to call orders.

Before I could do anything else, Applejack stopped right in front of me, a coil of rope on her back. “Whaddaya need?” she asked.

I nodded to the stairs heading up. “Tie the prisoner up. I want absolutely no chance of it breaking free. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable or not, make sure it stays tied.”

“Easy enough,” she said, already trotting that way, the rope bouncing to match her gait.

With her gone, I started looking for something to clean my sword. Instead, I found a daughter attached to my leg. “That was fun, daddy,” she said, smiling as she hugged me.

“You have a really weird definition of fun,” I said, hugging her with the arm without the sword.

“You probably would have enjoyed it more if you weren’t in the middle,” she matter-of-factly said.

“...If you say so. Can you get this goop off my sword?” It had all crystallized from the cold, so wiping it off would have been hard. As she did magic to it, I finally took a moment to actually look at the pale blue substance. It seemed surprisingly similar to that of everything else, just blue instead of red or green.

When the sword was clean, I put it away. “What about your armor?” she asked.

“Might as well get it off of that, too. Did any of them get close to you?”

“Nope! I was right next to Twilight, so we were perfectly safe. We even got to save you!”

So that was who tugged on my wing. “Thanks. I definitely wouldn’t want to get tackled that close to the edge. Now, go help with the wounded. I’m going to see how the prisoner’s doing.”

“Ooh, can I help with it instead?”

“No. Helping our people is more important, but I can’t do much for them. You know some healing and can help.”

She sighed and nodded. “Okay, daddy.” Then she let go of my leg and trotted over to the wounded, most of whom had already been healed. With her heading over there, I walked over to the staircase going up and made my way to the helm, where Applejack was quickly trussing up our guest. The spider was, of course, still struggling like mad against the ropes and Twilight’s magic.

“Any problems?” I asked.

“Just won’t sit still,” Applejack said. “But we’re gettin’ it tied.”

“Good.” I walked over to the front of the spider, making sure my metal boots clanked menacingly on the ground. “Can you talk?” I asked it.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting any kind of answer. Everyone jumped when it hissed, “I will tell you nothing, ape!”

“We’ll see about that. Kumani!”

The dragoness stopped looking for more webs and quickly showed up next to me. “What do you need, Nav?” she asked.

“When this thing is tied up, drag it down to the cargo hold. Avoid undue damage, if possible. Naga, go with her.”

“Sure you don’t want me to break any legs?” Kumani asked.

“No, I’ll leave that up to Kat, if it comes to that.”

Twilight gasped, jerking her head my way. “You’d let Kat near her?!”

“I have ways of making this thing talk other than Kat, don’t you worry,” I quickly said, not wanting to hear Twilight start whining. But if the key didn’t work on it… Well, Kat might.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright… What do you want me to do after it’s tied up?”

“Talk to your friends. Let them know we’re all fine. But keep them below and absolutely make sure they don’t go to the cargo hold.”

“Alright, that’s easy enough…”

I nodded and went back down to the deck, where Kat was idly standing around, apparently not as good with poisons as the other two. “What do you know about spider anatomy?” I asked her.

“Almost nothing,” she answered with a shrug. “Eight legs, eight eyes, poison, webs.”

“Go talk with Fluttershy. Learn as much as you can, but don’t tell her why. I might have you try to interrogate one, if I can’t get it to talk.”

“I… don’t think Fluttershy likes me.”

Probably because she read my journals. “Too bad. I want to know if these things can be tortured or not. Fluttershy’s probably the only one here that knows much about spiders. Just tell her I sent you.”

She nodded. “Alright, whatever. Hope I don’t have to drag her from under a bed…” She went to the stairs heading down, which left me without anything to do. Since I wanted to pretend to be a good leader, I walked over to the two remaining wounded, the two troops that were poisoned.

Nightshade was standing with them, Zecora having already went below for her equipment. “They gonna be alright?” I quietly asked her.

“Yes sir,” she answered with a nod. “We thought it was more dangerous at first, but it looks like a standard paralyzer. We’re thinking they wanted prisoners.”

“Excellent. Say, doesn’t your group have an actual medic?”

“Yes sir. He’s lying right there,” she answered, pointing to one of the paralyzed fellows.

“...Inconvenient. Do you think Zecora can make a lot of antivenom? I really don’t want to risk getting anyone paralyzed until she can make some more.”

“I really don’t know, sir,” she answered.

Too many unknowns… “Well, carry on,” I said with a nod. She saluted and went back to doing nothing. I went on down the stairs, heading to my room. I suspected the ship was cleared, and Watcher told me as much when I passed him going down the hall.

Taya was waiting in front of my room. Together, we went on inside. “So when are you gonna talk to the prisoner?” Taya asked.

“When it’s in the hold,” I answered, pulling the gauntlets and helmet off. “And I don’t want you anywhere near it. We don’t know what these things can do, so we’re going to assume they’re dangerous even with ropes all around them.”

She just sighed as I grabbed the gene-locked chest and popped it open. “So how are you going to interrogate it?” she asked.

“With the key, if it works. Flo, do you think you can hijack her mind like we did for Eva?”

“Probably. But it would be a lot harder. Fighting through resistances is… difficult. You’d be better off asking Watcher if he has someone that can force through memories. And for the record, I don’t approve of using Kat for this.”

“I don’t either. She’s a last resort.” With the key in hand, I closed the box and pushed it back where it was supposed to go. “I’m gonna go see the prisoner. If there’s an emergency, I’ll be in the cargo hold.”

“Are you sure I can’t go?” Taya hopefully asked.

“Yes, I’m quite sure.” I walked back out. Taya sighed and walked to her room while I walked the other way, toward the hold. They were dragging the spider down as I walked, with it still struggling. Watcher and his command squad were with Kumani and the naga, making sure it didn’t break free.

When it was settled, we all backed away from it. “You want me to question it?” Watcher asked.

“You got a mind reader?” I asked.

“I can do it, but I have someone in my squad that specializes in it. He’s asleep, though.”

“Leave him, for now.” I approached the spider that watched me, hate in each of its eyes. “What’s your name?” It didn’t respond. “Alright, fine. Be that way.” I held my key up. “Didn’t care about your name anyway. Why did you attack?”

“For slaves,” it answered, its eyes glazing over.

“Figures.” Its eyes blinked a few times, confused. But after a few seconds, it just looked back up at me with hate again, dismissing the trance. “Are all of your kind hostile?”

“To outsiders and to males, yes,” it hissed.

“...Why males?” I asked without thinking.

It answered anyway. “Weak! Contemptuous! Cowardly! Good for breeding and pleasure, little else.”

The naga started growling and said, “And yet you were captured by them. Who is the weak one here, female?”

“Three against one is hardly fair, naga!” the spider hissed.

“And thirty against twenty is?” I asked with a smirk. It refused to answer, just went back to glaring at me. “Alright, is there anything your kind wouldn’t attack on sight?”

“Sanctioned traders. Guests of a powerful house.”

“Hm. So how do we become sanctioned? Or a guest?”

“You don’t, male.”

“...How would a female become sanctioned? Or a guest?”

“Speak with the head of a house and hope she doesn’t have you killed on sight.”

“What’s a good way of not getting killed on sight?”

“Proving your power.”

“Would killing thirty of your soldiers count as proving our power?”

“Your ship has killed twenty-nine, not thirty.”

I heard at least two grins behind me and Kumani said, “That can quickly be fixed.”

“Indeed it can,” I said. “Answer the question.”

“It might, depending on the mood of my lady. But if a male goes before her, that male will be enslaved and used for her personal pleasure.”

“Lovely. I bet she’s just the sweetest lover, isn’t she?” The spider didn’t answer. “Someone go get me a map.”

“I will never tell you where we live!” it hissed as Kumani shrugged and started walking out the hold.

“You’ve been plenty forthcoming so far. Keep this up and I might actually give you back to your lady alive.”

She flinched, jerking the ropes. “I’d rather you just kill me now! There’s nothing you could do that would be worse than what she’ll do to me!”

“Good. Maybe she’ll be in a better mood after torturing you. Watcher, you got any questions?”

“Do they have magic?” he asked me.

“Well, spider? Does your kind have magic?”

Something dribbled from its mouth, something I could only assume was it spitting in disgust. “What need have we for magic?”

“How can we get into contact with your lady?” Watcher asked. I repeated the question.

“You don’t.”

Well, that’s comforting. The arrival of Kumani with the captain and a map cut off our questions. She passed it to me and I laid it down on the floor in front of the spider. “Where is your lady on this map?” I asked.

“How am I supposed to point?” the spider replied.

“Kumani, pull one of her legs free. But if it does anything other than move to the map, break it immediately.”

“You got it,” she answered with a nod, stepping up to the spider.

When the leg came free, I immediately asked the question again. The spider slowly pointed her trembling leg at a spot on the map, using its spiked tip to poke a small hole through the location. As soon as the hole was there, Kumani grabbed the leg and forced it back into the rope.

“...Where did we even get that map, anyway?” I asked. “Isn’t this place unexplored?”

“Flo,” Gourd answered, using magic to pull the map over. “Looks like there’s a lake right next to it. If we had to, we could settle the ship there.”

“Got anymore questions?” I asked.

“Permission to wake my mind-reader up?” Watcher asked. “He can search through her memories, get a more accurate view of everything.”

“Go for it. I need to find Twilight. Kumani, naga, take turns watching her. She breaks a leg free, break the leg. She breaks free completely, kill on sight. Anyone but me or a soldier comes down here, tell them to fuck off.”

“It will be my pleasure,” Ames said, drawing his large sword that he somehow found time to clean.

“Well, if he finds it fun, he can take first watch,” Kumani said. “I’m heading topside. This thing stinks.”

“Do you want us to start flying this way?” Gourd asked, looking up.

I looked back to the spider. “How far can you see?”

“At night, to the horizon. At day, not very well.”

“Who knows what time it is?” I asked.

“They already know we’re here,” Kumani said. “Does it really matter if they see us even if they can’t get to us?”

“Yes.”

“Midafternoon,” Watcher said. “We have several hours until dark.”

“Start flying us there, then,” I said. “Save us some time, later. Watcher, go wake that guy up, get him started on her.”

“Yes sir.” Soon enough, it was just me, the naga, and the spider left in the room.

“I do not like this, human,” he said.

“Me either. And I have a bad feeling about it. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Keep your eyes on her.”

“I would jump at the chance to wound her, don’t you worry.”

There wasn’t anything I could say to that, so I started tracking down Twilight. She wasn’t hard to find, thankfully, since she was just in a room with some of her friends, reading a book. They all looked up when I entered. “How’s the prisoner?” Twilight asked.

“Just fine. My key worked on her, thankfully. I need you to help me plan a surprise tonight.”

“What kind of surprise?”

“Do you still know that invisibility spell?”

I don’t think there’s a better show of power than a ship bristling with weapons suddenly appearing almost directly above your seat of power. Almost, because we were over the lake instead. After determining that the spider could read and doing a small amount of scouting, we quickly determined the best course of action: Using a ballista to shoot a note directly at the leader’s room.

“Nice fucking shot,” I said to Jak, who was aiming the device. He managed to get it to stick into the tree in front of where the spider chick presumably lived.

“I’ve had a bit of practice,” he gruffly answered.

“Definitely stirred them up. Be ready with an incendiary in case they get hostile,” I said.

“Aye. Smiles, you heard him! Er… her.”

“Yes sir,” the bat horse quickly answered, grabbing one of my homemade rounds and fitting it to the groove. “Loaded and ready.”

I nodded and went back to where Watcher was standing. “How long should we give them before firing a warning shot?”

“Given that structure looks like it was built with web and wood, I’d say your idea of a warning shot would almost immediately destroy it, killing everything inside. But give them half an hour.”

“Got it. If I’m not on deck, give the order. I’m going to go get suited up.”

“Yes si—ma’am.”

“Don’t get too used to it,” I said, my higher voice doing a fairly decent job of getting across my annoyance.

“Still better not to let her think you might be faking. Though why you couldn’t just use a proxy…”

“What female here is in a command position?” I asked. “And really, who would you trust with it?”

“I could trust one of my troops…”

“But?”

“But yes, I’d rather it be one of us. It’s a good thing you have those stones.”

“Yeah. I’m going to go see if I can fit into anything that doesn’t make me look like shit. Find me if anything happens.”

“Alright.”

When Taya saw me heading below, she immediately joined me. Together, we went back to my room. “So, Taya. You’re good with fashion and shit, right?”

“Ugh.”

“Want to help me pick out an outfit?”

“Daddy, please…”

“Oh, we can put makeup on each other and brush each other’s hair and talk about boys!”

“Do girls really do that?”

“I dunno, maybe? But seriously though, what the fuck am I supposed to wear?”

We both looked around my room, not seeing much in the way of choices. Though that was probably because all of my clothes were put away, and thus not readily on display.

Thankfully, Flo came to my rescue. “There are really only two choices,” she said. “Do you remember the outfit that fashion designer made for you in Flankfurt?”

“...Yes, actually. Did I pack that?”

“You did. Said you didn’t have much else, so you might as well pack it just in case.”

“Huh.”

“What, daddy?” Taya asked as I walked over to my drawers.

“Flo reminded me of something. But that’s not very protective, is it?” I asked, reaching around in one of the drawers.

“Then there’s the other choice,” Flo said. “Remember your carbon nanotube armor?”

I slowly looked up to face the wall, blinking a few times. “Holy shit, I actually have that. How strong do you think it is?”

“Nav, I have all the files from your computer. That armor is hundreds of times stronger than steel.”

“Then why the fuck didn’t you tell me this before now?!”

“No one knows what it is but you. Steel armor cuts a very imposing figure, something to shy away from in battle. The other armor would make you more of a target, and its helmet is… lacking.”

“Man, whatever. Do you know where I put it?”

“Bottom drawer.”

“Thanks, babe.” I reached down there and grabbed the bulky suit.

“So what’s that, daddy?” Taya asked.

“A suit of professionally made carbon nanotubes, which are very tough, light, and protective. Human science thing. Wish I could get the tech to make more.”

“Why can’t you?” Taya asked as I started putting the suit on over my clothes.

“Don’t have the tools needed to make the tools needed to make the yada yada. This world’s so far behind on tech that it’s not even funny. Feels… loose. And tight.”

“It was specially fitted for your male body,” Flo said.

“Nothing I can do about it. And it’s better than trying to squish into the metal armor.” The carbon stuff had some give, letting my newfound breasticals and more curved ass fit instead of just making it hard to breathe or move. “What do you think, Taya?”

“Plenty of pockets,” she said, looking me over. “And you’re sure this stuff is safer than steel?”

“Yes.” I reached over to where I left the sword belt and buckled it on. Then my knife went on, followed by a string of throwing knives. I slipped two spare magazines into some pockets and checked my rifle, making sure there was one up the spout. It wasn’t pumped, so it was safe, but at least it was ready to fire if I needed. “Let’s do this.”

“And I’m going with you, right?” she quickly asked.

“Hell no. Let’s go.” She grumbled as we walked up to the deck. Kumani and the spider were both already up there, with the spider still very tied up.

Kumani smiled when she saw me. “You look cute, dear.”

“I don’t know if I should be insulted or not. But as ever, you’re beautiful.”

She smirked and grabbed me as I tried to go to the side. Before I could protest, she pulled me up for a kiss. Her tongue snaked down my throat for a second or two before she pulled it back out. “Maybe when you get back, I can see if you still taste so good even when I’m not in season.”

“Maybe,” I neutrally answered. Sure, sex as a chick was interesting, but I’d much rather have my dick. She pecked me on the lips again before letting me fall. One of her claws gently traced my wing as I walked over to the edge, pulling up my rifle. “Movement?” I asked Jak.

“They know we’re here,” he answered. “And they don’t seem to like it.”

“Any sign of them having siege weapons?”

“None yet.”

“Hm.” I pulled the rifle up, looking through the scope. The bolt with the message was gone and spiders were crawling all over the fort, most of them with some kind of purpose. As I watched, one of them gripped what looked like our bolt, with a note attached. It used all four of its front legs and tossed the thing halfway across the fort, where another spider caught it. “Watcher, get ready for something.”

“I see it,” he answered as the spiders continued tossing it. Soon, it was flying straight at us. He ripped it from the air before it got too close and brought it in. I walked his way and he read it aloud: “Prove it.”

“Jak, pick a target and burn it to the fucking ground.”

“With pleasure. May I?” he asked, holding his hand out for the rifle. I passed it over, letting him use the scope. “Beautiful contraption,” he muttered. “Nice scope. Looks like six times.”

“Should be at six, yeah. But I think it can go up to ten, not that it could ever shoot that far. It can also look through walls.”

He turned my way, eyebrows raised. “Can you turn that on for me?”

“Sure.” I toggled the weak x-ray for him. “It’s not very strong, so it might not get through this, but…”

“Smiles, two points left, four points down.” The ballista quickly reaimed. “On my mark. One. Two. Mark.” It fired, launching its explosive ordnance toward whatever target he specified. The minotaur chuckled as the bolt exploded.

“What did you blow up?” I asked when he handed the rifle back.

“I have no idea. But there were a lot of them inside.”

I detoggled the x-ray and looked back through the scope. The movement we saw before was nothing compared to what those things were doing now. They were coming out of everything to try to put out the fire. “Someone bring me a pen and some paper,” I called, holstering the rifle.

Spike, who was no longer delegated to protecting those on the lower decks, quickly pulled both out of nowhere. “Need me to write?” he asked.

“Go for it. Simple message for you. Tell them they have fifteen minutes to produce a leader I can talk to before I turn that fort into a smoldering pile of ashes.”

“Doesn’t that seem kinda… harsh?” he asked, looking up.

“That’s the point. Write it.” He shrugged and did so, then handed the note to Smiles, who attached it to another bolt. Soon, it was flying back to the same general area as the first one. “Watcher, prep your pegasi. We go in five. Spike, crossbow up, aimed to protect us. Jak, you know how to fire this thing?” I asked, holding up the rifle.

“I believe I can figure it out, yes,” he answered, taking it from me. “Trigger to fire, pump to bring ammunition in?”

“Close. Pump readies it to fire. Two pumps and it can go through a full mag. Semi-automatic; you keep pulling the trigger until it clicks. Range is close to max, but we’re way above them anyway, so you should be fine aiming dead at them. Hear that, Spike?”

“Yeah. I don’t know if I can hit anything from this range, though. That’s… pretty far.”

“I trust that you can do it, Spike. Don’t let me down.”

“...Alright, Nav.”

“Jak, if they attack us, make sure you burn their base down before you start firing.”

“Aye. Smiles, load incendiary.”

“Yes sir!”

“Kumani, get that prisoner ready to transport,” I said, walking back to the stairs leading down. Kumani shrugged, not having much of anything to do. “Kat, come with me.” She jumped to obey, following me as we went below. “You’re in charge of the radio again,” I said. “I’ll be bringing one with me just in case.”

“Do I have to? The screeching sound on it makes my hair stand up straight.”

“Spike and Jak are sniping. The naga might crush the poor thing. Kumani’s coming with me. Who else on board has anything approaching fingers?”

“Doppel could.”

“Just use the damn radio,” I said, pushing it into her paws. She reluctantly took it, eyeing the thing with distaste. “Hopefully I won’t even need it, but better safe than sorry.” I put another one of the set onto my belt. “Need anything else while we’re down here?” I asked.

“Just a question, one I hope doesn’t offend,” she said. “When you get back on the ship, can I see your female body? I won’t touch, of course! I just want to see it.”

“Sure. Might even do a little strip-tease, if you promise not to tell Kumani.”

“I’m not interested in… that. I just want to see how female humans look.”

I shrugged and brushed past her to my door. “Whatever. Just remind me before I get out of this thing.” She followed me to the top, where very little had changed aside from all the squads standing on deck. Each group’s pegasus was standing at the railing, with Kumani at the center with the spider. “Movement?” I asked.

“Looks like a delegation is coming,” Watcher said.

“Let’s not leave them waiting. Kumani, be ready to blast flames. Jak, Spike, overwatch. Kat, see anything sneaking up on us, radio in. Gilda, be ready to move in for support.”

“I’m going, too!” Dash called.

“Naga, hold her here.” She squawked as one of his arms grabbed her. “Match my pace. Let’s go.” I put a boot to the rail and jumped off, quickly spreading my wings and sailing. The others grouped into some kind of formation behind me.

I wasn’t in any hurry, since I was pretending the spider bitch wasn’t worth my time. Even at the slow pace, though, we made it at about the same time as the delegation from the spider fortress made it. Of course, we were as close to the lake as possible. As soon as we touched down, the pegasi took up positions around me, making sure nothing could sneak out of the water behind us. Kumani put her foot on the spider’s back, making sure it didn’t go anywhere.

Soon, the spiders stood off from us. The one in the center of their ten-spider delegation was a spider in ornate armor, covering her entire body and up to the first joint of her legs. “I see you have something of mine,” she croaked, her voice unused to speaking.

“We won her in battle,” I said.

“Name a price. An example must be made.”

“I want the status of a sanctioned trader or a guest of your house.”

“No. That will require much more than the life of a slave. I will pay goods for her head, not favors.”

“How about information, then?” I asked.

“Ask your question, then, ape-female.”

“How can I go about getting the status of sanctioned trader or guest of your house?”

Half of her eyes closed as she thought, or at least I was hoping she was thinking. After a few seconds, she asked, “Why do you require this status, outlander?”

“You are in no position to be asking questions. We put three bolts into your fort. If you cross me, you will find out personally what they do to armor.”

“Fair trade,” she snarled, her eight eyes narrowing. “If you wish for my assistance, you will assassinate my rival.”

“Why not just go to your rival for help, instead?”

“Because she is stronger than I and would refuse to even see you. Your precious ship will not fly underground, so you will not browbeat her as you have me.”

“Kumani, the prisoner.” The sexy dragoness grabbed the ropes and tossed the trembling spider toward the others. Their group quickly converged on it, making sure it didn’t get away.

“Take her to my harem,” the lady said. “Give her to the males. Tell them she is a gift to do with as they please.” The prisoner immediately started screeching in horror. “If she is alive in the morning, give her to the captain. I believe some of her cannon fodder males have some pent up aggression.”

Man, I didn’t even know spiders could cry! The prisoner sure was doing her best at it, anyway. Two of the lady’s entourage dragged her away without a care in the world, though. “How do we meet this rival of yours?” I asked.

“The entrance is within our fort. You and two others will act as sanctioned traders, going below. My troops will accompany you to my remaining hold in the city. Killing the high priestess is your concern, not mine.”

“Why only two?”

“Because that is the law, outlander. Are those terms acceptable or not?”

“Very well. It will be a minor delay, nothing more. I suggest having your troops ready for the hostile takeover when she is dead. Should I die within those depths, there will be nothing left of this fort.”

“Do not assume yourself too powerful!” the spider hissed. “You may be strong, outlander, but our priestess is guarded well. You will be hard-pressed to even gain entrance within her abode.”

“I’ll figure something out. How open are your caves?”

“It is a massive chamber with sprawling spires, busy markets, and a thriving undercity. There will be plenty of room for your wings… should you dare use them.”

“Can we bring weapons?” I asked.

“My troops are supposed to search every trader that enters our hives for weapons. So carry nothing visible, or you will be arrested on sight and sold into slavery. Probably sex slavery, for one as… delectable as you.”

Comforting. “We will return within the hour,” I said, spreading my wings. We all took off without another word, leaving the spiders behind. As we flew, I made a few plans. When we got on the ship, Watcher immediately walked over. “Kat, get Doppel and meet me in the planning room. Watcher, Gourd, let’s go.”

“I’m going,” Kumani said.

“We’ll talk.” No she isn’t. “Jak, keep an eye on those spiders. Any sign they might be attacking, get us immediately.”

“Aye, Nav.” Then I led the way to our rather nice planning room. Kumani, Taya, the naga, and Rainbow Dash invited themselves, making the room somewhat crowded.

“So what’s the news?” Dash excitedly asked when we were all in.

“We gotta do the head spider bitch a favor before she’ll sanction us. Assassinate a priestess or something. Unfortunately, we gotta be underground for it to work.”

“Could be a trap,” Watcher said.

“I know. Only three of us can go.” Everyone started talking at once, all volunteering. I held up a hand to silence them. “I’m taking Kat and Doppel.”

“WHAT?!” Dash yelled. Kumani also said something, but it was drowned out by Dash, who then launched herself in the air to fly right in front of my face. “You’d trust them over me?!”

“Kat is an assassin, Dash. And Doppel can turn into anything she wants, so she can get us into places. If we’re going to be doing assassinations, I want stealth and quick, clean killing, not mindless bravado.” Kumani opened her mouth, but I continued, “And do you really think they’d allow a dragon to go unwatched down there?” I asked. “Think. When we’re down there, we’re not supposed to have any weapons. That’s so they don’t have to watch us all the time. But a dragon is a weapon. You go with us, there’ll be eyes on us at all times. Doppel and I can fly and I can carry Kat. This is the best we can do.”

“No unicorn?” Gourd asked.

“Any unicorn that has ever teleported someone can use a spell to look through someone’s eyes and see what they see, hear what they hear. If everyone teleports us before we leave, we can get a unicorn on site immediately if we ever get in danger.” He nodded. “Watcher, you’re quiet.”

“Is this really necessary?” he asked. “Can we go to someone else? Get an easier task? Or just go without her protection?”

Flo hijacked my voice. “We don’t know where the elemental is.” Everyone blinked at the completely different tone coming from my mouth. “If we have to search for her or dig, we’ll be sitting ducks with the spiders around us. And we also have to find Zecora’s cure. Going to a rival is possible, but the spider implied that she was the only group on the surface. Who else are we going to cow into helping us?”

Watcher nodded. “Then yes, Nav. That is probably the best solution you have. What do we know about the priestess or the city?”

Before I could answer, Kat entered, Doppel behind her. “What do you need, mistress?” Doppel asked, grinning at my changed form.

“Doppel, can you walk on eight legs?”

“I’ve been practicing,” she answered with a nod. “It’s awkward, but I can pass as a spider.”

“What about their voice?”

“I haven’t heard one talk yet. It shouldn’t be too hard to match my vocal cords to theirs, but I’ll need some practice to get it right.”

“Good. Kat, Doppel, we’re playing exterminator.”

“Weapons?” Kat immediately asked.

“Something you can conceal. No visible weapons allowed in the city.”

“Good. I don’t have any highly visible weapons anyway. When do we leave?”

“Soon as we’re ready. Doppel, you need anything?”

“I’ve… I’ve never killed anything, master…”

“And you aren’t going to start now,” I said, making her sag slightly in relief. “You’re just going to help us get to where we need to go. Kat and I are going to be the ones killing her. Get a pack and put something warm in it. It might be cold below. And lose the maid outfit. You’re going as one of the soldiers here, minus the armor.”

“Yes, mistress,” she happily said. “Do you need anything else?”

“Watcher, last minute tips or advice?”

“I’ll have some protection spells ready for you three before you leave,” he said. “And Twilight might have some more, if she isn’t too tired from holding that invisibility spell. Oh, and they probably don’t know what that gun is… or what any of your bombs are.”

“Very good points,” I said, nodding. “Anyone else?”

“I don’t like it,” Kumani and Dash both petulantly said.

“I don’t either. But we’re going to do it anyway. And stealth is more important than hard-hitting, so we’re doing it my way. Kat, Doppel, go get ready and meet me on deck in ten.” They both nodded and quickly left. I followed. Kumani and Taya went with me, of course, though Kumani stopped me before I could get below to my room.

“You told that spider lady an hour, Nav. We have time for a going away present, don’t we?”

“The sooner we get this done, the better,” I said, shaking my head. “We can have all the fun we want when I get back.”

She sighed and then just pulled me in for a long, deep kiss. When she finally pulled back, she just said, “Then hurry back.”

“I’ll do my best,” I answered, turning to finally go back down into my room. When Taya and I got there, Twilight was waiting.

“What’s going on, Nav?” she asked. “The girls and I are feeling kinda out of the loop.”

“That’s because you don’t need to be in the loop,” I said. “Long story short, I’m leading a small shore party to take care of a little administrative issue. I’m going to need a few protection spells and someone to watch through my eyes to make sure I stay safe, though. Coordinate with Watcher on that, if you can.”

“If you’re doing administrative work, can I go? You know how good I am with things like that.”

“I’m afraid not, though I’d definitely like you there. We can only bring a certain number, and I just think they’d be more useful than you would be.”

She sighed and nodded. “Alright… Do you need anything else from us before you go?”

“Just the protection spells,” I said. “Oh, and would you mind asking Rarity to modify a set of my clothing to match this body? I imagine I’m going to need to keep up this act until we find what we’re looking for.”

“I can do that,” she said with a nod. “How long do you think it should take you down there?”

“No clue. Just be watching, as I said. Hopefully we won’t have any problems, but these spiders are fucking assholes.”

“I will. When do you need those spells?”

“Meet us on the deck in a few minutes,” I said.

“Alright. See you then.” She lazily teleported out, leaving just me and Taya.

“Alright, go ahead and yell at me,” I said, sitting on the bed.

Instead, she hugged me. “Be careful, daddy.”

I blinked a few times in surprise before hugging her back. “I will do my best, Taya. And until I turn back, it’s mommy. Need to keep up the act and I don’t want anyone getting suspicious.”

“...Okay, mommy.” Thankfully, she let me go so I could get ready.

I stood back up and walked over to my gene-locked chest again. I popped it open and pushed in the ring and the gender stones, then grabbed a few flash bombs, a molotov, two shrapnel bombs, and what should be a mustard gas bomb. Then I pulled out two extra magazines for the rifle. All of my weapon belts fell off, getting tossed to the bed. After some consideration, I grabbed two daggers and tucked them into pockets that looked like they were made to hold machetes or hatchets. Just in case, I grabbed a bag and packed the female outfit that weird fashion designer in Flankfurt made me and another two sets of clothes. Finally, I grabbed the other two radios and set them to the channel Kat and I were on.

“Now, you can watch me until bedtime,” I said. “Don’t stay up later than you should.”

“I won’t.”

“Not like you’d really see too much anyway. I’m going to be sleeping at night anyway. Now, can you think of anything else I might need?”

“Should you talk to that bird lady, see if she can help you with anything?”

“Athena freaks me the fuck out and I don’t trust her or her magic. I do trust you and Twilight and your magic, though. So I believe I’ll be fine with what I have.” She smiled at that, for some reason. “Let’s go, shall we?”

“Alright, mommy.” Hearing that is so weird.

I led the way to the deck, where most of my crew was waiting. “Doppel, Spike, come here for a sec,” I said, pulling out the radios.

“What do you need, Nav?” Spike asked.

I passed one to Spike and one to Doppel. “Spike, you’re in charge of communications between us and the ship. Doppel, keep that thing on hand in case we need to talk to you. Our range is probably gonna be shit in the caves, but they might work. Do you guys know how to use them?”

“Uh… I assume it’s harder than breathing fire on it.”

“If you burn that thing, I’m going to spank you so hard you can’t sit down for a week,” I said, pulling out the one I was going to use. “Press this button here,” I said, pressing that button there. “And just talk into it.” They both jumped as their radios burst to life, repeating what I said with a very small delay. “This is the volume dial. Turn it all the way down and it shuts off. Turn it back up to turn it on. Not that hard, right?”

“This thing’s pretty cool,” Spike said, looking it over. “What kinda magic does it run on?”

“It doesn’t. Doppel, Kat, you both packed?”

“Yes, mistress,” Doppel said, nodding.

“Far as I can tell,” Kat answered.

“Jak, any movement?”

“Nothing our way,” he answered, handing my rifle back.

I slung it over my shoulder and looked to Watcher and Twilight. “Whatever spells you got, now’s the time to give ‘em.”

“Translation, basic protection, advanced protection, veil of darkness,” Watcher said, his horn lighting up and several spells hitting the three of us.

“Veil of darkness?” Twilight asked. “Never heard of that one.”

“It’s a rare spell. When any of the three of you draws blood, a shroud of darkness will seep from your pores, allowing ease of escape. It won’t last long, but it can be repeated every hour.”

“Any blood, or does it have to be someone else’s?” I asked.

“Any blood.”

“That spell is… evil!” Twilight said.

“Spells are neither good nor evil,” Watcher answered. “Their use depends on the user. Give them your spells.”

She sighed, shaking her head, then said, “Protection from poison, master’s protection, deceit’s end, illusion busting.”

“Deceit’s end?” I asked.

“My fur is white.” My hands immediately lit up faint green, just barely visible under my gloves. “It’s the lie detecting spell,” she explained. “And illusion busting allows you to destroy an illusion by touching it. It won’t work on changelings, but you probably won’t run into many of those down there.”

“Awesome. How long will these last?” I asked.

“Three days, for mine,” Watcher said.

“Mine should last a week,” Twilight said. “Or until you put your ring on, whichever comes first.”

“So we’re good for a while, then. Hopefully we won’t be down there that long. Hey wait, what if one of us tells a lie? Will the spells pick that up?”

“...Um. Test it?” Twilight said.

“Purple is a pretty color,” I said, looking back at the other two.

Nothing happened until Twilight kicked me. “Jerk!”

“You know you love me. Now, you two ready?” They both nodded. “Doppel, pick a pegasus and change.” She shrugged and turned into a random night guard. “Alright. If they kill us, turn that fort into ashes. Watcher, take over the mission and use Twilight to find the elementals. Just… start somewhere else.”

“Yes sir.”

“Nav, while you’re down there, keep an eye out for any of the elements of harmony,” Twilight said.

“They’re necklaces, right?” I asked.

She nodded and added, “With our cutie marks on them. The princess said Discord hid them on our route. There might be one in the cave.”

“I’ll keep my eyes open. Now…” I gently lifted Kat up, holding her in my arms. “I’ll see you all when we get back. Make sure those fucking spiders don’t get the ship.”

“We’ll be fine,” Watcher said. I nodded and jumped off the side, flying on down. Kat quickly decided holding on would be a good idea. Doppel followed us as we flew to where we had met with the spiders. They weren’t there anymore, so I just set Kat down and started walking toward the base.

They fell into step on either side of me, slightly behind. “So what can we expect?” Doppel asked.

“They hate men,” I answered. “So be careful about saying much about them. And they respect strength, so don’t take bullshit from anyone. Kat, did you bring any food with you?”

“I did, yes. I know you don’t eat often and feeding Doppel is always enjoyable, so I was the only one that needed anything.”

“Excellent. We don’t know much about them and they know just as little about us. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll assume we can spit acid or something.”

“Mistress, your spit is acid,” Doppel said.

“It’s a human thing. Anyway, just go in there like we own the damn place because we have them by the balls.”

I heard Kat shiver and say, “I don’t even want to think about that. Fluttershy was very vocal about… certain aspects of spiders. These things are creepy.”

“As long as you can torture them if you have to, I don’t care.”

“That might be a problem,” she said. “Spiders don’t have pain receptors.”

“...Huh. Well, maybe these do. She was talking about the small ones. These aren’t the small ones. That prisoner we had was scared enough of it, that’s for sure.” We passed under the gates on the outskirts of the fortress, the eyes of the guardians on top on us. As soon as we got into the courtyard, a much smaller spider stopped us.

“Right this way, mistress,” it hissed, its voice lower than the others. Male, maybe?

“We’re following,” I answered, pulling my rifle to a ready position and pumping it twice as the spider started leading us further into the area. After a minute or two, we came to a building with two larger guards standing on the side of the wall, watching us.

Our guide lowered his face to the ground and quietly said, “We have permission from the lady to enter.”

“Then enter, slave,” one guard said. Neither moved from their positions as we walked through.

The building we stepped inside had a single group of females and a hole heading straight down, covered in webbing. The male led us to the group and then bowed his head down again.

“We’re your escort,” the soldier up front said. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah. Does that hole stay the same width?”

“Yes. Your wings will carry you.” I slung my rifle again. “Follow us.” She led her group of five to the side and they started climbing down. I shrugged and grabbed Kat. Then Doppel and I jumped in, using our wings to slow our fall so we didn’t pass the spiders.

“Reminds me of home,” Doppel said as we fell with style.

“I hate tunnels,” Kat sighed, snuggling against me.

“Hey, at least there aren’t murderous ghosts at the end of this one,” I said.

“Got that right,” she said.

If I had to guess, I’d say the height was about the same as the fall to the changeling hive. The sights at the bottom were very different, though. And instead of the spiders continuing down to the bottom of the cave, they just started crawling across the fucking roof.

Eight legged freaky bastards. Gravity exists for a reason! I swear, I’ll turn my back on one and just have to burn the entire cave down when it disappears entirely.

“Nav, this is a bad time for arachnophobia,” Flo said.

Yeah, well, fuck you. This is a bad time for them to have eight legs and eight eyes and freaky fucking bodies.

“Just look around,” she said. “That’ll put your mind at ease.”

Since I didn’t have much else to do, I decided to look around the spider city we were flying over. Web, of course, was very prominent in the area. Bioluminescent lights of some kind gave the entire chamber a dull light that allowed us to see fairly clearly. It was then that I discovered that most of the spiders in the hive were very different colors than just black, unlike our guards.

“Hey, what’s with all the colors?” I asked our guides.

“Our house was exiled to the surface, so we lost the right to our colors,” one of the spiders testily answered, not looking back. I quickly decided not to ask any more questions and went back to looking around.

The constructions weren’t elegant or large, like the changeling city had been. Most were small and squat, dotted around the walls, ceiling, and the floor. Though buildings weren’t large, several were tall, spires rising from the bottom of the chamber to the top, or long, starting from one side and leading to another. The chamber itself wasn’t a clean shape, so there were bends that we couldn’t see around. And there was definitely a lot of movement, unclear wads of spiders writhing and moving about below, their many legs and moving parts confusing to the eye.

It was somewhat horrifying, honestly.

Our guides led us down one of the spires to the ground, where it seemed most of the traffic was. Because of that, we still flew above; I didn’t want to be in the middle of that crowd, that’s for damn sure. There were plenty of looks toward us, but as soon as they realized we were following the surface guardians, they stayed silent.

“I don’t like this,” Doppel whispered, her eyes looking down upon the masses.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“They only feel… hate. There’s almost no love in this room at all, Nav. Just lust, hate, and fear.”

“And did you notice that most of what we’ve seen have been females?” Kat asked.

“No, I didn’t notice that,” I said. “I can’t tell the difference.”

“Males are smaller and their… backsides aren’t nearly as large.”

Fat bottomed girls, you make the spider world go ‘round. “Then yeah, just a few males. Just be ready for anything, alright?” Neither answered.

It took us about fifteen minutes to get to our destination, one of the larger buildings in the area, but still on the ground. It was constructed almost entirely of web and honestly, I didn’t want to put a foot anywhere near that thing. However, that’s where our guides went, so I reluctantly landed and we followed. At the entrance were two more black spiders who just passively stared at us.

Thankfully, I didn’t have any part of my body exposed to the webs under our feet as we walked into the room. Kat did and she shivered like crazy when she felt it sticking to her paws. Our guards stopped in the front entrance hall, where we met yet another female.

“You must be my mother’s guests,” the chick said.

“I certainly hope so,” I said, pulling my rifle out again. I didn’t quite like the way the soldiers were arranged with us in the middle. “We’re here as traders.”

“There are no spies in this home,” she said. “No way something could eavesdrop.”

“That’s certainly good to know. I was told there was a high priestess we were supposed to meet. When will we be allowed to look for her?”

If I had to guess, I’d say the motion the spider’s mandibles made was a smile of some sort. “No one is allowed to see the high priestess of Arachne. Especially not guests.”

“Well, that’s certainly inconvenient. But we’ll manage. Are we allowed the free run of the city?”

“To a limit, yes. But breaking the law is common in this city, as I’m sure you’ll quickly find. Come, guests. I will show you to your rooms.” Personally, I didn’t want to get shown to any kind of room, but I bore it and followed her, not wanting to risk pissing any of those things off. The other two fell in behind me yet again. “So what manner of creature are all of you, anyway?” she asked as we walked. “I’ve seen ponies, but none like that.”

“Human,” I answered. “We’re extinct, though, so don’t expect to see many more of me.”

“How are you extinct with one still alive?” she asked.

“Because I can’t breed. No partner. As soon as I die, that’s the end.”

“And I’m a cat,” Kat answered.

“I’m a bat pony,” Doppel said. “Just a regular pony, but with an enchantment to make me look different.”

“It seems the world is changing,” she said. “The last influx of pony slaves we received didn’t mention any of you three.”

“Ponies are racist and ignorant,” I answered. “Of course they don’t know much about other races. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“It might. The law is that no spider is to bother a trader. But as I said, laws were made to be broken.”

“If anyone tries anything with us, they will quickly find that these traders will not hesitate to fight back.”

“Many find the act of breaking a slave that fights back is more enjoyable than teaching one that doesn’t.”

“Given that those on my ship can see through my eyes and teleport to my position immediately, imprisoning me would be nearly impossible and very inadvisable.”

She didn’t say a word until we got to our rooms, which were just large pods cut into the silk building. One on either side of the hall and one in the middle. “These are your rooms,” she said. “Inside you should find everything you require. Would you care to inspect them?”

“Might as well,” I said, walking up to the one in the middle. The other two shrugged and went to the other rooms. Within the room, I found a bed, a lot of empty space, and a male spider with his head to the floor. “And you are?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Your pleasure slave, mistress,” he responded.

“Ah.” I tossed my bag of clothes onto the bed and went to check out the other door. It led to a small bathroom, though I didn’t suspect there was any running water. When I finished looking around in there, I went back to the bedroom.

“Do you require servicing, mistress?” the spider asked, still not looking up.

“Nope.” I left the bag there and went right back to the hall, where our host was still waiting. “Can you get rid of that slave in there?” I asked.

“Is he not to your liking?” the lady asked. “I can bring in another, if you like.”

“No, no. I don’t want any at all. First, my tastes are of a more feminine nature. Second, there’s no sport in sleeping with a slave. Third, I definitely don’t want anyone at all in my room as I sleep.”

“Very well. I will have him removed.”

Kat joined us a few seconds later. “I want that slave gone,” she said.

“You as well? Does he displease you?”

“I was a pleasure slave once. I want nothing to do with one. Ever.”

“Then he will be removed. Will the third want hers removed as well?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she was already utilizing him, actually,” I said. “She’s a total fucking slut.” I heard Kat making some kind of noise that reminded me almost of purring, but more angry. To calm her, I wrapped an arm and a wing around her, drawing her close. “So what will we need to do as traders?” I asked as Kat snuggled against my wing, relishing in its feathery grasp.

“I will not advertise that you are traders,” the spider said. “Hopefully, most will assume that you are guests instead. If word does leak that you are traders, you will meet with representatives of many houses, each to see if you can supply what they want.”

“And what will they want?”

“Exotic slaves would be at the top of the list. They bring much status. New weapons would be second, things we can actually use. Then gold and other goods. Maybe food, though many do not like the taste of cooked food of any kind. Are the two of you together?”

“No,” I immediately answered. “Do you know the priestess’s schedule?”

“Everyone does. She’s in the temple at all hours, attended solely by her guards. Her orders are passed out through them. Even if something does get to her inner sanctum, there are still fifty guards between her and the door.”

“Could we go through the wall?”

“Maybe you do not realize, but we can feel the vibrations in the webs. If something pierced the wall, all would instantly know.”

“Does she ever step outside the temple for any reason? Public speaking? Riots?”

“Never.”

“Hm. We’ll have to stake the place out, look for a good staging area and vantage point. Every place has a weakness.” And if all else fails, I can just have Twilight teleport to us and get us inside that way. “Where is the temple?”

“The very center. I’m sure you saw it when you came in. It is the biggest of the spires going from the top to the bottom.”

“We’ll find it,” I said with a nod, pulling my wing back from Kat. “We won’t need a chaperone, will we?”

“You won’t. But do not fly everywhere. That will raise much suspicion. Note that there is a curfew for males without official papers in an hour. I will give you those papers before you leave so you don’t have to uncover yourself every time guards ask your business.”

“Good. Doppel!” I heard a squeak from her room and she quickly extricated herself, blushing.

“Yes, mistress?” she breathlessly answered.

“We’re moving. Get your radio and let’s go.”

“Yes, mistress.” She went back in, her tail moving in a way that showed us all what she had been up to.

“At least one of you is enjoying my gift,” the spider said.

Neither of us replied.

A minute later, Doppel rejoined us, cleaned up better. The radio was on a string around her neck. “Ready, mistress!”

“Good. Get us those documents so we can leave.”

“Come with me, then.” She started walking back off. “And what is that thing over your shoulder, anyway?” she asked, presumably talking to me.

“A weapon.”

“...What kind of weapon?” she asked.

“Hope you never find out.” She didn’t ask me any other questions.

When we got to the end of a hall, she said, “Remain here.” We stopped as she started crawling up the wall and into a hole that I didn’t notice until she went up it. A minute later, she came back down, one of her legs holding a page. “This is your documentation,” she said. “If any guard stops you, show them this.”

I took the paper and looked it over. Then I realized that I didn’t care and just folded it, sticking it in a pocket. The thing felt like vellum, but I honestly didn’t care as long as it got me past the guards. “Is there an absolute curfew when no one is allowed to be out?” I asked.

“No. The citizens would riot.”

“Alright, good. Anything else we should know before we go out?”

“Not that I can think of, no.”

“Then let’s go,” I said, turning back and walking down the hall. It took me exactly one turn to realize I didn’t know where I was going. “Kat, lead the way.” Cats don’t get lost, right?

Sure enough, her sexily wagging tail led us right to the main entrance. The guards that led us from the surface watched as we walked in and then out, heading back into the underdark.

“So what now, mistress?” Doppel asked.

“Kat?”

“We need to examine the area, find points of entry. See if there are any weaknesses. Basic things. We’ll need to get started now if we have to walk there.”

“Let’s go, then. Stick tight together. I don’t want any spiders getting between us.” They both nodded and we started walking toward the massive spire we could see from where we were. Every single spider we passed stared at us. Hell, we got stopped by guards five times.

But we finally got there, standing at the base of the massive tower. “Hm. And touching this alerts the guards?” Kat asked.

“Apparently. We’ll do what we can to make the hit tomorrow. See any windows?”

“There’s no way fifty guards could maintain this entire building,” Kat slowly said, looking it up and down.

“Those are her personal guards. There’s no telling how many others are in there.”

“Hm. Let’s walk around, see what we can see.” We started doing so. Since the base was so large, it took us about fifteen minutes, where we were stopped three more times by guards. “No windows. They have to get in somehow… Surely there’s another way in besides the main entrance.”

“Hey, the spider lady said there was an inner sanctum,” I said. “And we’ve seen spiders crawling up and down this thing, which means the guards don’t care about the outer wall. So I imagine we can get in by just going in the front door. The inner sanctum, though…”

“Then let’s go,” Kat said with a nod. We walked back to the front door, where two fantastically colored guards stood.

“Can we go in?” I asked.

“Do you have permission?” one of them asked.

“We have documentation,” I said, offering it it.

The guard snatched the paper away and began looking it over. A few seconds later, she thrust it back at me. “This allows access to the city at all hours. Not to the temple.”

“Alright. Who can we go to get permission to enter?” I asked.

“Either enter with a temple guard or get permission from a guard of the inner sanctum.”

“And the temple guards are those with your colorations?” I asked.

“Yes, outlander. Now leave.”

We walked back off, heading around the side again. “Doppel, can you match that coloration?” I asked.

“Give me a few seconds. And make sure nothing’s watching.” Thankfully, the temple area didn’t seem too busy, so she was able to change without getting spotted. Soon, a temple guardian was standing before us.

“Lead the way, then,” I said, waving her off.

“You just want to stare at my spinnerets, don’t you, mistress?”

“Even as a spider, dat ass is nice, Doppel,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Now hurry up.” She started walking and we followed.

The two guards at the front stiffened to attention when Doppel came into view. “I am escorting these two inside,” Doppel said.

“Very well. Remember that the curfew rules are in effect. They have ten minutes.”

“They will be out soon, then,” Doppel said. “Now come, you two.” We continued following her inside and got a look at the inner walls of the temple. Many spiders were inside, paying obeisance of some kind. We paid them no mind, because fuck spiders.

Doppel continued leading the way to the inner wall, one with a different color of guards. Given the size of the ‘building’ and the amount of available space, that could only have been the inner sanctum. And given that the walls were reinforced with various metals and shining jewels, I was pretty sure we found our target.

“Now how do we get inside?” Kat whispered as we started walking around the large structure. We couldn’t see too far up the side since it was darker in the temple than it was outside, but what we could see wasn’t too promising… until we found a window. “There,” she said, nodding at it.

“I see it,” I whispered. “Let’s keep looking for others. We don’t have time to check it out.” And if we get caught… She nodded and we continued walking around. In total, we spotted three windows by the time we got back to where we started.

“This just became possible,” Kat said with a nod. “Still difficult, but possible. Now let’s go back.”

The way the guards were looking, I was thinking getting back out would definitely be a good idea. They didn’t seem overly tolerant in the first place and I had a feeling that if we overstayed our welcome, we would be faced with a troublesome time. The rest of the spiders within were getting the same feeling, so there was a mass exodus to the exit around the time we were leaving.

It made slipping out easy, at least, but it also meant we were surrounded by freaky spiders so Doppel couldn’t change back immediately. We had to go around the side again for her to be able to turn. And when we did get over there…

“Well now,” we heard a spider hissing.

“Poor little yearling, missing curfew,” another said.

“What a treat you’ll be, hmm?” a third added.

When we got to where we could see them, we found three large guards around a very small (compared to the others) spider, around the size of Taya. It seemed like a male, though I wasn’t really paying attention.

“Please! It was just by one minute!”

“One minute too many, boy!” one of the guards hissed.

“Time to go,” I whispered, wanting to leave before they started anything.

“No.” Before I could stop her, Kat began walking toward the guards. “You will not harm him,” she said as they started closing in.

The three guards froze and slowly turned our way, twenty-four eyes glaring at us. I could see that each of their fangs were dripping venom and their front two legs were raised partly ready to strike. “Who are you to stop us, outlander? This prey broke our law and must be punished.”

Now, I try not to be a bad person (usually). I try to do the right thing and yada yada. But I wasn’t feeling so very charitable at the moment. Still, Kat looked like she was about to do something really stupid, the way her claws were starting to poke out, so I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick.

“That ‘prey’ is our guide,” I said, pulling out our documentation and putting a hand on Kat’s shoulder. “We do not know our way around the city, so we hired him to guide us.”

One guard skittered right up to me and snatched the documentation out of my hand. Four eyes started reading it while the other four stared at me. “And why was he so far from you?” she asked.

“He got ahead of us, for which he will be punished,” I said. “His legs move faster on these webs than ours.”

The leg with the documentation thrust it into my chest and pulled off. I grabbed it before it slid to the ground. “Do not lose him again. Come, sisters.” She pushed past me, heading back the way we came. The other two followed her, though both were watching the little boy with hunger in their eyes until they got out of sight.

“Kat, what the absolute fuck is wrong with you?” I sighed, rubbing at my temple.

“I was a slave once and lived in fear, as he does. I do not like this place. I do not like these things. And I hate slavery.”

“Don’t. Pull. This shit. Again,” I said, poking her in the chest a few times for emphasis. “You know why we’re here, and it’s not to free any slaves. Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“What about him, mistress?” Doppel asked, looking at the kid. He was staring at us with wide eyes, uncertain that we were real or that we really just saved him.

“...We dug this grave,” I said. “Guards might spread word that we have a guide. Kat, grab him. We can throw his ass out in the morning when he won’t get torn to shreds.”

She nodded and wrapped a furry paw around one of his front legs. That’s when he reacted, flinching. Then he jumped up on his back four legs and wrapped his upper four around her. I had my rifle primed to shoot before I realized he was just hugging her. “Thank you,” he whispered, holding on tight.

“Your responsibility, Kat,” I said. “Now let’s fucking go.” We all started walking back to our temporary abode, our spider guest sticking very close to me and Kat. What do you think?

“I think you did the right thing, though it probably wasn’t a very intelligent move on Kat’s part.”

Definitely agree, then. Think he’ll be trouble?

“If the lady of the house asks, tell her that he will be a pet for someone on board with younger tastes. I imagine she’ll be perfectly fine with that.”

And then question why he’s not there in the morning.

“...Then tell her that he’s for Kat.”

“Kat, if the lady of the house asks, tell her that you’re a pedophile. It’s better than explaining what actually happened.”

She looked at me as if I pissed in her cornflakes. “That’s disgusting.”

“These spidery bastards are fucking sick and disgusting,” I whispered. “They’d be fine with you being a child fucker. Tell them you’re an abolitionist and they’ll kill you on sight! And then they’ll kill us by association. I’m not saying that you’re going to fuck him. I’m saying that you’re going to tell her you are if she asks.”

“...Very well,” she sighed. “It is my fault he is here. I shall take the downfall for it.”

The spider spoke up again, surprisingly. “I don’t mind pleasing you, mistress,” he said, looking down.

“Kat, don’t you say a fucking word,” I warned her.

“If I cannot save them all myself, I can happily water the seed of dissent,” she said.

“Death or enslavement?” I asked. “Which do you prefer?”

“Death. Every tom and molly on that march to freedom would say the same. And I know you, Nav. You would say the same.”

“...True. Especially enslavement like this. But for the love of a god I now despise, wait until we’re private.”

“Fine.”

The rest of the way back was in relative silence, aside from the many, many times we got stopped by guards.

When we got back, Kat immediately went to her room, Doppel quickly went to hers, and I wasn’t in much of a hurry to leave mine. The spider chick didn’t invite us to dinner, for better or worse.

Late that night, Flo jolted me awake. “You are not alone,” she whispered when consciousness flooded my mind. Since nothing I had was comfortable for sleeping in and since I didn’t trust the webby sheets on the webby bed, I was completely naked and uncovered, my female body bare to the spider before me.

As soon as I realized what my guest was, I grabbed both of the daggers I had left next to my bed, leaping to a fighting stance. “Come, assassin! Let’s dance!”

Two of the spider’s front legs lifted. “Calm, human,” the chick said. “Do you not recognize me?”

The voice was familiar enough, at least, but not enough for me to lower my daggers. “The lady’s daughter?” I asked. “I admit, you all look alike to me.”

“I am,” she said, lowering her legs.

“What do you want, then?” I asked as I lowered the knives. I didn’t let them go, of course.

“Something you said… interested me,” she answered, slowly moving closer. “You said your tastes were more feminine.” Oh God… “I admit, I have the same… fascinations. You are strong and powerful, beautiful in a way. So commanding, so assured. And your body!” One of her front legs shot forward and caressed one of my breasts, making the nipple immediately perk up. “I desire you.”

Her leg moved lower until I dropped a knife and grabbed the exploring tendril. “I’m taken,” I told her, pushing her leg back. “Happily dating.”

“She is not here. She is not in front of you, begging for a night of lust and passion. She can’t desire you as I do, can’t need you as I need you!”

“Humans are extremely monogamous. As are dragons, of which I am dating.”

“Then leave her! Leave her and become my slave. I will be your mistress and love you as you deserve. Never a night without passion and lusts unrivaled by any. Poisons designed to increase sensitivity coursing through your veins, making my every touch a fountain of pleasure. Trained slaves attending to your every need while I am away. The joy of serving your mistress in her needs. Does that not sound appeasing?”

“...No thanks. Now, I need sleep.”

“You would never regret it, I promise!”

Jesus fucking Christ. “I’m not interested. Get out.”

“So be it,” she hissed, almost instantly angry. “Remember this moment, human. Remember the choice I gave you.”

“I certainly will do that,” I said, nodding and immediately deciding to do my best to forget that moment. Her eyes narrowed as she scuttled out petulantly. Both of my daggers went back to where I had left them and I went right back to sleep, wondering what new horrors the next day would bring in creepy spider land.

I woke to something prodding me in a place in which I absolutely should not have been prodded. My eyes jerked open and I used my legs to trap the spidery limb in place as I sat up and grabbed the small thing around the face, dragging it forward. “Don’t. Touch. That,” I hissed at the little boy that was now trembling in my grasp. All of his eyes squeezed shut and his legs curled up in fear. Since it seemed he got the message, I dropped him on the bed. “What do you want?” I demanded.

“M-m-mistress K-kat needs you!” he answered, still afraid.

I sighed and grabbed one of my daggers, walking next door. I didn’t bother to put any clothes on, because why would I? The spiders didn’t know the difference, Doppel already knew what it looked like, Kat wanted to see it, and I’m a perverted exhibitionist anyway.

“What do you need, Kat?” I asked when I got in there. She was already suited up and looked ready to kill.

“We need to get—Whoa. That’s what you look like under clothes?” she asked.

“Yeah. Soft and squishy. Want me to bend over for you?”

“No, no. We need to get ready and go soon. Most assassins strike at night, so guards will be at their most lax during the day.”

“What kind of ass-backwards logic is that? Guards would be more alert at day, wouldn’t they?”

“You’d certainly think so, yes. Experience dictates otherwise. There is a place for nightly assassinations, but not against these things. Go get Doppel. I don’t want to see anything I should not.”

“And you don’t care if I do?”

“You came to me, naked, across the hall with who knows how many of these spider things out and about. Do you have any shame at all to lose?”

“I’ll go wake her up.” I turned back and almost tripped over the spider brat that was standing right behind me. “Kat, what the hell is he still doing here?” I asked.

“We took him from the temple area, Nav,” she said. “If we’re going back anyway, we might as well drop him off there.”

“Alright, fair enough.” I walked across the hall to Doppel’s room, where she was still asleep and cuddling against her spider slave. “Doppel, wake up.” She jerked and flinched awake, blinking and looking around. Her eyes were their natural blue before she blinked a few times and they changed back to their disguised form. “Get ready. We’re going soon.”

“Yes, mistress,” she said, pushing away from the slave. “Did you know these things have two tongues? No dick, but those tongues!”

“I don’t know, I don’t want to know, and you aren’t going to tell me. Get ready.”

She nodded and hopped up. The slave woke up, but didn’t move from the bed. “Do I have time for…?” she asked.

“You have until I get dressed, and you know I don’t waste time.”

She shrugged. “Maybe later.” I nodded and went on down to my room. It didn’t take me very long to get dressed, thankfully. Soon enough, I had everything in pockets and ready to go. When I walked over to Kat’s room, I found them both waiting there.

“Planning time,” I said. “Boy, watch the door. You see anyone coming, say something. But eavesdrop and I’ll cut those long things off of your face. Got it?”

His eyes widened and he frantically nodded, scrambling to the door. “You didn’t have to threaten him,” Kat said.

“Yeah, but it was funny. Plans?”

“If we can go for a close kill, let me take it,” Kat said. “I specialize in those. If we’re at range, you can take it.”

“Alright, simple enough. Evac plan?”

“Don’t get caught. We are very noticeable in this place.”

“Remember the veil of darkness spell,” I said. “Watcher told us it works on any blood. So if you have to, just make yourself bleed. This will be the regroup position. Now, I have some tools on me, some explosives. One creates a blinding flash of light. If we get caught and you two see me throw something into the air, close your eyes and turn your head away. When you hear it go off, run. Hopefully that’ll give us enough time to let the unicorns evac us if possible.”

“Easy enough. Do you know if they’re watching us?”

“Radio check,” I said, pulling mine out. Kat and Doppel pulled theirs out. “Spike, Nav. You listening?”

I heard some static over it before faintly hearing, “I’m here.”

“You speaking into the radio?” I asked.

“Yeah. Practically—” It cut out, static overwhelming it. After a second, it cut back in, “—actually. You fight yet?”

“Negative. Are the unicorns awake?”

“Yep.”

“Hi, mommy!” Taya’s voice broke in.

“Hello, dear. Spike, we’re making our move. Make sure the ship’s on alert. If we’re getting betrayed, this is the time.”

“Can you repeat that?” he asked.

“Full. Alert,” I said. “We’re moving in. Betrayal possible.”

“Alright, I hear—” … “—luck, Nav.”

“We’ll need it. Nav, out.” I pocketed the thing. “Our radios work and we’re being watched. Now, shall we?”

They both nodded and we made our way back to the temple district, our spider pet trailing behind. We weren’t stopped as many times as before, but we got just as many stares. Soon enough, we stood before the tall building.

“Now go home, kid,” I told the boy.

He stared at me with all of his eyes. “I don’t have a home.”

“Then go to your parents.”

“...I don’t have parents.”

“Then get away from us.”

His eyes flicked to Kat, who sighed and said, “We could take him with us, Nav.”

“No.”

She shrugged and said, “Sorry, kid. Nav’s the boss.” The spider walked away without another word, its head and body low.

“We clear?” I asked, looking around for anyone that might still be staring.

“I think so,” Doppel said, starting to change. Soon, a temple guard stood before us. “I’m definitely going to have to try sex in this form,” she said, stretching her many legs.

“Find a guy who really likes legs and he’ll be in heaven,” I said. “Now, lead the way.”

She nodded and started walking off. We followed behind, looking out for guards. We got inside the temple as easily as we did before to find just as many spiders lurking about inside. Some were praying to a large statue, some were talking, some were plotting, and some seemed to be trading. None were watching us, which put a strange feeling in my heart.

“This is off…” Flo whispered.

I put a hand on Kat’s arm at the same time she put one on mine. “I have a bad feeling about this,” we said together. We shared a look and bolted for the doors just in time for them to slam shut.

Soon, a number of guard-colored spiders began descending from the ceiling on strands of silk as an extremely ornate and wizened spider walked out of the main doors of the inner sanctum. Each of the other spiders in the temple stopped what they were doing and took up attack positions, all facing us.

“I’ve been waiting for you, assassin,” the high priestess of Arachne hissed with a voice as ancient as your mom and as cold as Luna’s heart.

Well, shit.

Chapter One Hundred and Three—...said the spider to the fly

Chapter One Hundred and Three—...said the spider to the fly

“Now this is just a small misunderstanding,” I said, slowly reaching into my pocket.

“You are here to kill me!” the head spider bitch hissed.

“Now that’s a matter of opinion,” I answered. “I mean, yes, we were contracted to… well, kill you, but… CATCH!” I popped the top off the flash bang and tossed it. All of her eyes opened wide as I turned away, every spider in the room immediately rushing me…

...Only to burst into screams of pain when the thing went off, blinding everything that wasn’t looking away. I swung back toward the spider bitch to see her trying to get away, back into her sanctum. Kat was sprinting at it and Doppel was in the air, back in her natural form.

Since we needed to kill her and kill her quickly, I pulled up my rifle and snapshot, taking out one of her legs with two shots. I heard a small explosion and saw a little aura of darkness surround me from Watcher’s spell. It didn’t stop her in time, though, as she got through the doors and forced them shut before Kat could get to her. She slammed against them fruitlessly, trying to open them. Of course, they didn’t budge.

“Doppel!” Her head jerked my way, her eyes wide and full of fear. I pointed at Kat. “Grab her!” She nodded and swooped down, grabbing Kat as I jumped into the air. We flew toward one of the windows and straight through, not wanting to risk any kind of trap. There were only two guards in the room and each one was attending their mistress, asking her what happened.

Kat and I landed several feet away and both guards jumped in front of the priestess in defensive postures. Doppel, of course, flew several feet behind the two of us and just watched.

“You just had to make this hard, didn’t you?” I sighed, lifting my rifle and shooting one of the guards in the face. The nail slammed into its head with a sickening crunch, quickly dropping it.

Before I could shoot the other guard, its spinnerets shot, slamming into the rifle and pulling it right out of my hands. Seeing our only defense gone, it sliced the line and charged. Both of my daggers immediately came into my hands and Kat pulled two out as well. The guard slowed, seeing us both considerably better armed than it had expected.

“You’re not going to win this fight,” I said, slowly starting to circle one way. Kat caught on and began going the other, both of us slipping into fighting stances as we walked. “Just walk away. Or kill her yourself and claim a place in the new society.”

“There is no place for such heresy!” she answered, charging me since I was the one talking. My wings shot out and I jumped up, trying to get on top of her. It seemed the temple guards were better trained than the surface guards, as she quickly caught me and slammed me onto the ground, immediately going for a bite with her fangs.

I could feel the piercing pressure from inside my armor as she bit down as hard as she could, but she could not get through the carbon nanotubes. Still, getting slammed down and then getting bitten hurt, even if it didn’t cut through the skin.

But it hurt the guard a lot worse, since she forgot about Kat. I felt a few extra pounds of pressure on her frenzied biting attempts as Kat jumped onto its back. Then the spider screeched, jumping up and throwing Kat off in pain. The kitty turned the surprise jump into a flip and landed it well as the spider rolled onto its back, curling up and shaking as it died.

That left the injured priestess alone against the three of us. She stood to her full height as Kat and I approached, her daggers dripping with spidery ichor. “Whatever she’s offering, I can double it,” the priestess said.

“How can we trust you?” I asked, stopping.

“We can’t,” Kat answered. “I made that mistake once. And I know a liar when I see one. She’ll stab us in the back faster than our current employer did.”

“Kat’s right,” Flo whispered.

“That’s a shame,” I said, continuing my advance toward the spider that was starting to back away on her seven working legs. “Go with some dignity.”

“In the name of Arachne, I curse you all!”

“My god forsook and cursed me long ago,” I contemptuously answered. “Don’t think any curse you have could make my life worse.”

“You will regret this.”

“I can add it to the list of everything else I regret. Now shut up.” As I went to slash at her, she blocked me with one of her legs, shooting one to stab me. I didn’t bother even trying to block it, just letting it impact mostly uselessly against my armor. It still felt like a sledgehammer on the chest, but it didn’t go in. It did allow me to cut the tip of one leg off, though, which was nice.

“They always try begging,” Kat sighed, effortlessly dodging a few blows. “Then threats. Then they just say whatever they can. I couldn’t tell you how many last words I’ve heard.”

I finally got close enough to slam one dagger into the spider’s actual body. It spasmed wildly, the legs on my side jerking like crazy. Then I felt the body jerk again as Kat’s knife found its mark. She ripped her blade down and I ripped mine up, slicing the spider wide open. We both quickly backed away and found that she was actually still somehow alive.

“Hm. Think we need a distraction?” I asked.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Want to send this whole hive up in flames?”

“With us in it? No. Let’s just kill her and get out of here.”

“Alright, that’s probably a good idea.” I walked forward and kicked one of her weakly struggling legs aside, then slammed my knife right in the middle of her mass of eyes. The spider’s body jerked one more time before her legs slowly curled in. “There.” I pulled the knife out and shook the filth from it, walking back over to Kat. “Thoughts?”

“Get out of here before the guards start swarming us,” she answered as Doppel brought my gun to me. I checked it over for damage and determined it to be in working order.

“Good enough answer for me.” I pulled the radio out of my pocket and said, “Spike, Nav. We need extraction.” We waited thirty seconds with no answer. I knew the message went through, because I heard it on the other two radios. “Spike?” I asked. Nothing.

“There’s a reason those unicorns didn’t come to our aid,” Kat slowly said. “This priestess knew we were coming…”

“Which means we were betrayed,” I sighed.

“Twilight is still alive,” Flo said. “I’d feel Aqua’s pain if she died.”

“At least some of them are alive,” I said with a nod. “Flo can feel Twilight. But we’re going to have to assume they’re too busy for us. Which means we need to get the hell out of here on our own.” At the pounding I was just able to hear at the door, I knew we didn’t have much time. “To the doors,” I said. “When they break open, I’ll toss another flash bang and we make a run for it. As soon as we get into the main cave, we fly for the tunnel out.”

“Nav, wait,” Doppel said, looking around the room. I followed her gaze and saw what she was looking at. “Isn’t that…?”

“A gold necklace?” Kat asked.

Around one of the spider statues in the heavily decorated room was one of the elements of harmony, whichever one was the butterfly. I ran over and snatched it off the statue, shoving it into a pocket. “Good eye, Doppel,” I said. “Now, to the doors.”

They both shrugged and we all started running to the door. When we got there, it was starting to bend slightly. I motioned Doppel to the wall on one side and motioned Kat to the wall on the other. I joined Kat, setting my rifle into shotgun mode and pumping it.

“Hold onto this,” I told her. “Pull the trigger and it’ll shoot a burst of air. Pump it twice and it’ll be ready to fire again. That should be enough to blow these spiders backwards.”

“I’ll cover you as we’re flying,” she said, nodding.

“That’s the plan.” With her having that, I reached into my pocket and pulled out another flasher. “Doppel, you fly ahead of us. Eagle, humming bird, hawk. Whatever can fly quickly. Scout the way, make sure the tunnel to the surface is clear.”

“Yes, mistress,” she said with a nod.

“Just, you know, wait until I throw this.” Before she could answer, the door exploded inward. I immediately pulled the pin and lightly tossed it through, looking away. It burst a second later, making me seriously question my homemade timers. But since we didn’t have time for questions, I just started running through the freshly incapacitated spiders, Kat right at my side and Doppel already way ahead, flying at the speed of Kenyans or eagles, whichever is faster.

We were quickly stopped by the door going outside the temple. Doppel was flitting about it uncertainly. “How do we get through?” she asked as Kat and I pushed against it to no avail.

“The wall,” Kat said after a few seconds of thinking. She slashed a hole through it, proving it wasn’t very thick, and then made it large enough for us to fit through. Doppel went first, then Kat, and I decided to take a moment to look back. The guards were recovering and I knew they would soon be on our tail, looking for revenge. So I shrugged and pulled out my cannister of mustard gas, not that there was too much of the gas inside of it. I just pulled the top off and rolled it into the biggest cluster of them, then let myself out as the screaming began.

“What was that?” Kat asked.

“Parting gift,” I answered, picking her up and wincing at the sudden pain in my chest. “Keep that rifle ready,” I groaned. My wings spread and I took off, thanking whoever that there were no guards in the immediate area.

“So was it the daughter or the mother, do you think?” Kat asked.

“Both, I bet. The daughter came to me last night and asked me to be her sex slave. I turned her down. She didn’t seem that happy. But someone has to be attacking our ship, or we would have gotten help and teleported out by now.”

“So what do we do?” Kat asked. “If the mother betrayed us, I can’t imagine she’ll be giving us a pass now.”

“If she doesn’t, I’ll stick my foot so far up her ass she’ll taste it. Then I’ll drag her aboard and use her as a fucking hostage.”

“You know, we could have just done that first to avoid all of this.”

“Maybe. They might not even care that she’s a hostage. That’s a last—Shit!” I felt rather than saw a web being shot at me. Kat looked over my shoulder and pulled the gun up, steadying it on my back. A second later, she pulled the trigger and I heard a screech of terror.

“How do I pump it?” Kat asked.

“The pump!”

“...Oh.” She quickly pumped the thing back up. “Twice?”

“Twice.” She shot again, making another spider fly off.

“Nav, can you, I don’t know, GO HIGHER?!”

“Everyone’s a critic,” I muttered, getting some proper air as she once again pumped the thing. Even beating my wings was putting pain in my chest, so I figured something in there might be broken. “Looking good?” I asked after a few more seconds, with us flying in the middle of the large chamber.

“No. But better. I suspect that we have a very small window of time to get to the tunnel. So uh… fly faster.”

My wings can only really move so quickly, but I started pushing them as much as I could, a cutting pain digging into me. Unfortunately, with both me and Kat to support, I couldn’t get anything like the speed one of those damn spiders had. My only saving grace is that we were high enough that their shots of web were inaccurate and easy for Kat to help me dodge.

Soon, we were under the long tunnel going up. “How’s it look?” I asked, hovering under it.

“I think we can make it,” she answered. “Just go as fast as you can. I’ll keep them off you.”

“See Doppel?” I gasped.

“She’s up there.” At that point, I could only take her word for it and I was in a hurry anyway, so I just shot up, thankful that there were no spiders near the tunnel that seemed interested in stopping us. As we started going up, though… “Left!” Kat shouted. I tucked that wing in and forced myself left, barely able to dodge. Kat traded air for web, the string missing us and the spider shooting to the ground as I struggled to recover.

Soon, we were moving again. “How good are you at aiming?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t risk another fall like that.

“I’ve never done it!”

“Target shooting 101: Look through scope. Put spider in scope. Pull trigger. Now flip the switch next to the trigger all the way down.” She did so. “Pump twice and shoot any of those bastards that pop into the tunnel.”

She shrugged and started aiming down. I heard two shots pop from it as we struggled to get out of the hole. “That one’s not moving again,” she smugly said.

“Above!” I shouted. She flinched and turned, aiming up at one of the black spiders coming down. She shot twice more, both shots impacting. Not enough to immediately kill, but the spider fell past us, screeching.

“It broke!” Kat shouted.

I took a look to find the rifle was empty. “Pull slide back. Pump twice. Flip switch up. Keep firing!” She did as I said, putting it back to shotgun mode.

“Almost there!” she excitedly said.

“We’re going to have to stop to go out the door,” I warned.

“No we won’t. Just keep flying.”

“What?”

“Trust me,” she said.

“...Don’t get us killed.”

“I won’t.”

Since I knew what we were flying at was mostly web, I started picking up speed. If Kat failed whatever she was planning, I was hoping I’d be able to fly through it anyway. Or at least, enough to get the attention of my crew so they could bail us out.

“Getting close,” I said when we were about ten seconds off.

“I know.”

“Really close.”

“I know.”

“Kat…”

She aimed the gun dead up and pulled the trigger, blowing a massive hole in the webby roof, wide enough for us to fly through. I shot out of the building and into the brilliantly sunny day, Kat held tightly in my arms. She held the rifle in a one-pawed grip, hugging me tightly with the other. “We did it!”

“...Did we?” I asked as we flew higher, my eyes going to the ship. It looked like some very pitched fighting was happening on board, shots of unicorn magic flying everywhere and the naga acting as a maelstrom of death. It was obvious that my crew was winning, but every spider they were fighting was black.

“Let’s help them!” she quickly said. I don’t really think they needed help, but I started flying that way anyway. Doppel joined us in the air as we flew, turning back to her buggy form.

Sure enough, by the time we got over there, Ames was throwing the first of the bodies overboard. They all looked up as we landed, faces wary and then happy. Taya barely let me set Kat down before she was hugging me around the leg. “Mommy!”

I rubbed at her head warmly. “I’m back. Now what happened?”

“Waterdancers,” Watcher said. “Crossed thin webs across the lake at night. We didn’t even realize there were spiders crossing the water until there were lines on the rails.”

“Losses?”

“More wounded and poisoned. Zecora’s on them. How’d your mission go?”

“Priestess is dead. Jak, get a ballista loaded. I have a new message for our spider friends.”

“Not very friendly,” Taya muttered, watching Ames throw another body off the side.

“You want high explosive?” the minotaur asked as he walked over to one of the weapons.

“No, no. Tell her the mission is complete and we’ll be down in fifteen minutes for our reward.” Everyone on deck slowly turned to look at me, confusion on their faces. “We killed the spider priestess chick. Sure, this one betrayed us, but to be honest, who wasn’t expecting that?” Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash all raised a hoof. “So nobody with common sense. Now, we pretty much have her by the… neck? Whatever, she has no choice. The priestess is dead, all these troops are dead, and we have her fort hostage. I think she’d rather give us a guide than risk pissing us off, at this point.”

“And I’d rather have our ship sanctioned than have to fight more of these groups,” Watcher said. “They’ll wear us down over time. We’re trained, but ponies aren’t made for fighting, especially prolonged fighting.”

“So get that message sent,” I said. “And get us lower. I want a full team going down there, not just pegasi. If she’s not ready by the time I get on deck again, we’re going in there and getting it ourselves.”

“Who do you want going with you?” Watcher asked.

“Taya, the naga, two squads, Kat, three ship unicorns. Everyone else needs to watch the ship. Doppel, give Gilda your radio. Gilda, overwatch. See anything coming our way, radio it in.”

“Why can’t I go?” Kumani asked.

“You use that fire breath, you’ll bring the whole place down on top of us. And I’m bringing the naga, so we need a heavy hitter here. Now, I’m going below. It’s getting hard to breathe in this thing and my chest fucking hurts.”

“How do I work this thing?” Gilda asked, looking at the radio Doppel gave her.

“Spike, show her,” I said, pushing past everyone to the door leading down. That flight was not good for whatever was wrong in my chest. I knew Taya would be following me, so I figured she could heal whatever it was right up.

Sure enough, she did. I got into my room with her right behind me. “Are you hurt, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Something’s wrong with my chest,” I said, pulling the breastplate of the armor off. I didn’t have anything under it, so Taya got a full view of my heaving bosom that really wasn’t all too large. Of course, the massive bruise already starting to cover the area the spider bit me made it even less sexy.

“I don’t think it’s supposed to be that color,” Taya said.

“You’re right. Would you kindly?” Her horn lit up and nothing happened. “Taya?”

She shook her head. “Too many protection spells, mommy. I didn’t think they’d block against healing, but…”

“That spider bitch isn’t gonna pull anything,” I said, walking over to my lockbox. It popped open easily enough and I pulled out the ring, letting it dispel all the protection on me. When I pulled it off, Taya healed me right up. “Much better,” I sighed, dropping the ring in the box and closing it again.

I sat on the bed to rest for a few moments, since I really felt the need to just sit in silence. Taya hopped up and hugged me, her furry body rubbing against my feminine body in a way it definitely shouldn’t have. But I didn’t really want to upset her by making her move, so I just hugged her back.

“So when are we leaving?” she asked after about a minute.

“Now,” I said, gently pushing her away. “Just gotta get the shirt back on.”

“Why, if you know she won’t do anything?”

“Because better safe than sorry. And my only set of female clothing is still in their caves, unless Rarity finished modifying one. So either I find some makeup to put on you while we talk about boys or I get that shirt back on and we leave.” Her eyes widened and she grabbed the armor with magic, thrusting it into my hands. “Or we could talk about girls instead, if that’s what you prefer,” I said, pulling the armor on. “Doesn’t really matter that much to me.”

“Do… do other girls… really find girls attractive?” Taya asked.

“Yeah. Rainbow Dash does. And of course, some guys find guys attractive, like Sunshine Smiles. How have we not talked about this?”

“...I didn’t know you were serious.”

“Huh. Well, there you go.” I grabbed my sword belt and strapped it on. Then the daggers came out of my pockets and went to their proper places. Kat still had my gun, so I didn’t do anything with it yet.

“Is it common?” she asked as I was putting that stuff on.

“Not as common as liking the opposite gender. After all, a society’s gotta breed to survive. Now let’s go. You can question your sexuality later.”

“Okay, mommy.” That mommy bullshit’s starting to get annoying. Hope we can get out of South America quickly.

Kat was outside my door, the rifle in her hands. “I assume you want this back?” she asked.

“You assume right,” I said, grabbing it and popping the mag out. I just tossed it onto my bed and then pressed another home, racking the slide back and chambering a round. “Now let’s go.”

“That’s a really good weapon,” Kat said as she and Taya followed me. “Could you make me one like it?”

“I’m afraid not, but Jak or Smiles can make you a weapon like Spike’s. Long ranged, relatively quiet. Shoots bolts. Not as useful as this, but still powerful.”

“I will certainly ask them about it, then,” she said, nodding. “I remember your crossbow and seeing you use it, but it never really struck me how powerful it was until that thing saved us.”

“Yeah, it’s OP as shit.” We got onto the deck before she could ask what that meant. When we got there, I found that the crew took ‘take us lower’ as meaning ‘land us in the lake.’ Personally, I thought that was fucking retarded, but it was already done, so whatever. Then I saw the shield over the entire ship and realized why they had done it. “That shield better go down into the water, too,” I said as I walked over to the edge.

“It does,” Watcher assured me. “Your yellow friend told us about spiders that live underwater.”

Him mentioning Fluttershy reminded me of the necklace I had in my pocket. I turned to Twilight and dragged it out. “Found something for you,” I said, tossing it her way. She looked over at me, saw it flying, and snatched it out of the air. “Priestess had it.”

“Celestia was right,” Twilight whispered, her eyes wide.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. The landing party ready?” I asked Watcher.

“Yes sir. Some will have to teleport unless you want them to swim, though.”

“Those that have to teleport, teleport. But some can be carried.”

“Yes sir. Better to save the magic.”

I turned to Kat and was about to lift her up when Spike said, “Hey Nav, can I go?”

“No, you… Actually, Kat, did you get hit while we were down there?”

“Once or twice. I’m not really hurting, but I’m also tired. And you know I’m not as good in a straight up fight. Spike would be more intimidating than I am.”

“Alright, yeah. Kat, you’re on radio duty for the boat. We need help, we’ll call you. Gilda sees something, she’ll call you.”

“Works for me,” she said with a shrug. Spike claw-pumped victoriously.

“No fire,” I warned him. “And leave your crossbow here. You’re getting too big for me to carry all that shit and it’s hard to teleport a dragon.”

“You got it.” He walked over to one of the walls next to the stairs down and set his crossbow and the bolts against it. Soon, he was naked but for his sword and shield. He came running back over, claws clicking on the ship’s boards. “Ready to go!”

“Good. Watcher?”

“All set and waiting on you.”

“To the shore,” I said, grabbing Spike. I jumped off the ship and carried him right to the edge, a few meters away. As soon as I touched down, six unicorns and two earth ponies teleported across and two pegasi landed. The naga slithered out of the water a few seconds later, as I was setting Spike down and as Taya walked up next to me.

The spider bitch was nowhere to be seen, nor was any of her entourage. “So what do we do?” Spike asked, one of his hand-like claws on his sword.

“Never easy, is it,” I sighed, unholstering my rifle and pumping it. “Watch the walls. Careful where you walk. If we’re attacked, go for lethality. I’m done playing games.”

The naga drew his large weapon and said, “Let them come. Their blood is amusing to spill and easy to clean.” Spike blinked a few times at that before nervously drawing his weapon.

“Let’s go. If we get inside, watch the ceiling as well. These things can climb anything and appear from anywhere.” They all nodded and we began walking, me at the front.

The spiders on the wall just watched as we walked through the gate, not making any attempt to stop us. Honestly, I had no clue why there was a gate in the first place, but I was too busy listening and looking to think about it. Several spiders watched as we moved, but none made a move. Spike was swiveling about like crazy, trying to watch each of them.

“Relax, Spike,” I said, my head barely moving to watch the spiders. “Don’t show that you’re nervous. You got plenty of people watching your six. Pick a direction and look that way. We’re in control here, not them.”

“...Right. Okay. It’s just… spiders, Nav.”

“You’re a dragon, Spike. They couldn’t even pierce your scales.”

“Really?”

“Really. One of these things gets close to you, just grab it by the legs and slam it into the ground.” I don’t know if he totally believed me, but he relaxed a lot more after that. Still nervous, but he was hiding it better. Which was good, because we were starting to go up a ramp that looked like it was freshly made.

“Sticky floor,” the naga grumbled.

“The entire cave was like that,” I replied. “You get used to it.”

“Twilight always made me clean up my messes,” Spike said.

“Leaving a bunch of sticky white messes on the floor?” I asked, smiling.

“Only once. That milk was awful. Twilight was so mad! She refused to let me have any more for a week.”

“How old did you say you were, Spike?” Ames asked.

Before Spike could answer, we found a portal going in. “Through here,” I said, once again leading the way.

Or at least, I was, until the naga’s large hand grabbed one of my wings. “I have a sword out. You do not.” He pulled me back and pushed himself ahead, leading the way. The rest of us followed behind, into the dark, webby room. “I do not have a bad feeling,” he slowly said, continuing through. “I think these women might have learned their lesson.”

“I’m not in a hurry to damage their pride and piss them off again,” I said, walking up next to him. “So be careful what you say.”

“There is no need to dance around the issue,” Ames laughed. “They lost. We won. Let them come at us again. We will bloody them just as we have three times already.”

“Confident, male?” a spider voice asked. A few of us looked that way to find the spider leader in her ornate armor standing at the end of our room. How did we miss her?

“Indeed I am, female. Would not you be, in our position?”

Her eyes narrowed and she said, “Come. We will talk in my throne room.”

Before I could tell her to fuck herself and that we’d talk here, she’d already scuttled through the door it seemed she came out of. “Good job, you made her lead us to a trap,” I said, setting my rifle to shotgun.

“I see no problem with that,” the naga answered with a shrug. “Let us end this, then.”

I just shook my head and started walking that way. “Sure it’s a trap?” Spike asked. “Should we just be… going in like this?”

“No. And yes. Drop the jumpiness. You’re well-trained, Spike. Act like it.”

He gulped and nodded. “I can do this.”

“Damn right you can. And I want you at my back in case anything happens, alright?”

Spike blinked in surprise and nodded. “Alright, Nav. I got your back.”

Truth be told, I didn’t want Spike anywhere near me in a fight, but he needed to know I trusted him. Not like I was thinking this would go bad, of course.

Shows what I get for thinking, huh?

When we got into the room, the head spider bitch was at the end of the room, in front of some kind of freaky chair. Next to her was another spider, chained to the floor. Ten guards were on the walls, watching us but not moving.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why your ship was attacked,” the leader said.

“You betrayed us,” I answered matter-of-factly, stopping. My troops arrayed themselves behind me. I could practically feel Spike breathing on my back, he was so close.

“I did not,” she said. “My daughter did. She betrayed both of us, in fact. Didn’t you, dear?” The spider chained to the floor groaned.

“That’s nice. As long as we get our guide, I don’t care.”

“It’s a shame you didn’t kill the priestess…” she said, with what might have been a smile on her face.

“Like hell we didn’t. I drove a dagger through her face myself.”

There was silence in the room for almost ten seconds before the spider chick jumped up and screamed, “YOU WHAT?!”

My gun instantly pointed at her and my entire crew got ready to fight. “We got ambushed at the temple. I disabled all the guards and killed the high priestess.”

“...Impossible. I don’t believe you.”

I was about to tell her to go to hell when someone burst in through a side door. “Mistress! The high priestess has been ass—Is now a bad time?”

Spider lady’s eyes were about to bulge out of her head. “How?”

The spider messenger looked at us and then pointed at me. “Her, mistress. She and one other broke into the temple, killed over half of the priestess’s personal guards, and killed her. A few guards gave chase, but they evaded capture.”

“That’s… wonderful news. Captain!” One of the guards on the wall turned to face the leader. “Call all of our raiders back immediately. We take power tonight!”

“Yes, high mistress,” the captain answered, bowing slightly. Then she scuttled up the wall and into a hole in the ceiling.

“You have done us a good service, outlander,” head spider lady said. “Truth be told, I planned to open the trapdoor on the floor and impale you all on the spikes below, but I believe a reward is more apt. Never let it be said that I am not generous. You may have my daughter.”

“No.”

“...No?”

“I want to fly around this continent without getting attacked. That’s what I want.”

“Then you shall have it, either way. All of my soldiers about the area are moving inward. I will give you five troopers to stay with you and act as mediators, should you run into other groups. Your ship will be left alone, outlander.”

“Excellent. So what are you going to do with her?” I asked, nodding at her daughter.

“Let my cannon fodder relieve stress upon her. They won’t be allowed to kill or permanently harm her, but I believe that will teach her a proper lesson. If you or any of your crew would like some time with her, I will allow it.”

I slowly turned my head behind me. “Any takers?” I asked. Spike slowly raised his hand, a slightly confused look on his face, but the naga grabbed it and forced it down. I turned back. “We’re good.”

“A shame.” She turned to her wall. “You five. Go with them. Guard their ship as if it was me.”

“Yes, mistress,” they all said, then crawled down the wall toward us.

“You may keep these soldiers, if you desire,” spider lady told me. “Permanently, I mean. I believe I will have all that I need once I take the city.”

“...I’ll think about it,” I said, resolving to kick them off the ship as soon as possible.

“Messenger!” The spider that brought the message about the priestess flinched at the lady’s tone. “Retrieve one of my flags from storage, along with the items the outlander left below. Bring them to the ship on the lake.”

“Yes, mistress,” the messenger said, bowing and quickly crawling away.

The lady once again turned to me. “Fly that flag and you shouldn’t even be attacked. But again, if you are, the troops will mediate for you.”

“Thank you. Now, we’ll take our leave.”

“Arachne be with you, outlander.” Not like Arachne did the priestess any good.

“...Right. Let’s go.” I led the way back out of that room, my large group following me. As soon as we got outside, I said, “So Spike. Mind telling me what the hell you were thinking?”

“I was… trying to ask a question, Nav. What did she mean by spend time with her?”

“She was asking if you wanted to rape her,” I said.

His eyes jerked open wide and a massive blush spread over his face. “I-I-I d-didn’t… I didn’t… We have to save her!”

“Like fucking hell we do. Keep walking and don’t even think about going back there. The spider bitch tried to have us all killed. Personally, I’m a fan of being alive and I get a little upset at anyone that tries to change that. So yeah, let her get raped a few times. Maybe that’ll teach her not to fuck with her betters.”

“That’s… evil!” Spike gasped.

“That’s fair,” the naga corrected. “She attempted to kill us. Is it not fair that she is punished for it?”

“But… but not like that!”

“It is our way, lizard,” one of the spiders following us said. “Males that fail us are whipped and given to females as toys. Females that fail us are given to males as toys, usually just long enough to teach them a lesson.”

“That’s just…” Spike stopped, unable to go on.

“I know,” I said. “But there’s nothing we can do anyway. So just chill and don’t think about it. That’s what the rest of us will be doing.”

“Doesn’t really seem right, ma’am,” one of the troops said. “But as the naga said, it’s fair.”

“As somepony that’s been raped, I kinda disagree,” one of the ship unicorns said. “But like Nav said, there’s nothing we can really do about it. And I guess it’s a kind of justice… even if it’s a dark kind.”

Spike just sighed. The rest of the walk back was in silence.

When we did get there, we found the messenger chick waiting with three bags and a roll of something. “These are your belongings that you left in the fortress below,” she said, waving one of her many legs at them. “And this is the flag that should take you safely through the land.”

“Thank you,” I said, taking the flag from her. “Unicorns, grab these bags, if you would.” They lit up and floated over to some of the horny guys. “One of you teleport up and tell Watcher to drop the shield.” One of them did just that. A few seconds later, the shield dropped. “All aboard,” I said, lifting my wings and grabbing Spike. I quickly flew across, followed the rest of the pegasi and then the unicorns with the earth horses. The spiders shot webs at the deck to pull themselves aboard. Ames swam over and climbed his way up.

“News?” Watcher asked.

“We’re sanctioned,” I said, holding up the flag. “Someone get this thing on the mast. We’ll take off as soon as we get it up there. Unless we took any damage?” I asked.

“Can we take half an hour?” Gourd asked. “We want to refill our water supplies and Gilda wanted to fish.”

“Go for it. Watcher, put that shield back if you can. I don’t trust these spiders.”

“Even them?” Taya asked, looking at the five standing next to us.

“No farther than I can throw them,” I said, pointedly looking at them while I said it. I think they got the message.

“The point’s moot,” Watcher said, shaking his head. “We’re tired, s-ma’am. We can put it up if we have to, but we’ve been fighting a lot. Taya and Twilight could maintain it, but I’ll just put out double watches.”

“Works for me. Kat, up in the mast. You have good eyes, right?”

“Yep. I can get the flag up there, too. Even still have the radio.” She took the flag from me and started gracefully climbing the mast, heading up to our flag.

“Alright. Kumani, I’m going to take a shower and then we’re going to fuck like rabbits.”

“Sounds good to me, Nav,” she said, nodding. “Though I’d prefer to make love, if you don’t mind. Rabbits are too fast.”

“Fair point. See you in ten.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

Of course, Taya followed me down to my room, though I don’t really know why. She just watched in silence as I started pulling my stuff off. After a few seconds, she said, “So you’re going to… with Kumani, as a girl?”

“Yeah. Done it a few times. I really don’t prefer it, but I’m staying in this body until we’re off this continent, so I might as well enjoy it while I can.”

“...How does it work?”

I sighed and sat on the bed, pulling my pants off and then opening my legs so I could point things out if I needed. “There’s a thing called oral in which the other person applies their mouth and tongue to your private area. So basically, licking. Or you could also use toys on each other. Or go with tribadism, which is rubbing vaginas together. I think that’s a lot harder for ponies though, with how your bodies are. And of course, there’s just good ol’ fashioned fingering, where you use hands or hooves to stimulate your partner. And for you, I suppose there’s magic. Or if you want to be really nasty, you could use your horn.”

“Huh. I think… I think I prefer boys. That’s okay, right?”

“Yeah, perfectly fine.” I closed my legs and stood up. “I’m taking a shower and then spending some time with Kumani. Watch out for those spiders. And stay ready in case Watcher needs you.”

“Okay, mommy.” She stayed a few seconds longer before wandering out as I looked for a towel.

About forty-five minutes later, we were on the move again. About an hour after that, Kumani finally let me leave her room. I was barely able to walk and extremely sensitive, but I felt very, very good. The spider threat seemed to be gone, I just had sex (and it felt so good), and we were on the move, Flo and Aqua leading the way.

I was on the deck when Watcher approached me. “A word, ma’am?” he quietly asked. There was no one else around us, so I suspected he wanted it to remain private.

“Go for it,” I said, turning his way. His eyes narrowed slightly when he saw my flushed face and the smile I was wearing.

“I advise more discretion in your future dealings with Kumani. There is nothing wrong with having sex with her, but you do not need to advertise it so blatantly. It is extremely unbecoming of a commanding officer.”

I blinked a few times, surprised. “You guys actually care about that? Or hell, think of me as your commander?”

“After you’ve been leading us as you have, do you truly need to ask? You are a very effective, if noticeably untrained, officer. You handle combat well and you handle things outside of combat well. You don’t seem to know much about supplies other than that they’re important, which is still very useful for an officer to know. However, your behavior is frankly rather disgusting at times. How you and Kumani act is disturbing. Look at Zecora and I. We meet for the occasional romp, but you would never know it by looking at either of us.”

“Are you in a relationship with her, or are you just porking her?”

“That is a fair point, but there is a difference between simple public displays of affection and her brazenly molesting you in front of the troops. I understand that discretion and shame have both been beaten out of you, in some ways literally, but that is hardly an excuse to act as you do. After all, shame and embarrassment has not been removed from most of the crew and my troops, and I know you know how to behave in public, so it is not a difficult thing that I ask.”

“Is it actually affecting anyone?” I asked.

“Not yet. But at least ten of my troops have mentioned it and Gourd told me his crew has as well. Three things can happen. One, the troops believe that it is okay for them to act in such a manner, and begin doing so themselves. Again, there is nothing wrong with sex, but we do not need pregnancies on board and the gender disparity among my actual troops is discouraging.” Five mares, ten stallions. “They would have to dip into the elements of harmony. Two, jealousy begins flaring. If you can have such a relationship, why can’t they? That’s just bad for a trooper to feel for his or her officer. And three, I’m just paranoid. But three never happens.”

First time for everything. “I’ll attempt to rein myself in, Watcher.” Or let Kumani put the reins on me, if you know what I mean. “But as you said, shame has been quite literally beaten out of me, thanks to your princesses. Find a newspaper or a magazine or something, roll it up, and smack me across the face with it every time I do or say something I shouldn’t in front of the crew.”

“Remember that you told me to do that, ma’am,” he said. “Because if you get angry when I start doing it, you’ll have only yourself to blame.”

“Noted. Anything else?”

“Zecora believes we’re getting near the site of her plant, but we’ll probably have to go off course. Can she have the crew fly us there? Or do you want to do it on the way back?”

“I’d prefer to do it on the way back, but we probably won’t be leaving the same way we came in. If she thinks we’re close, I’d rather do it now. Tell her to go for it. Just… not next to me. No offense to her, but hearing those rhymes just hurts my human ears.”

“Get her in bed for five minutes and it starts being the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard,” he said, actually smiling. “I’ll tell her and the helmsman. With luck, we can get there before nightfall.”

“How far away is that plant supposed to be?”

“Relatively close. We still have five or six hours before night, so we should definitely get there with plenty of time to spare. Which is good, because I don’t want a major detour.”

“Me either. And sooner started, sooner finished.”

“Yes ma’am.” He didn’t bother saluting before walking away, something I honestly didn’t care about. I just turned back to watch the ship fly ahead, already starting to veer to change its course to the one Zecora was setting.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to lose Zecora’s help on the ship. I knew I took her on with the condition that she’d leave soonish, but she had already saved my life at least once and the lives of some of my crew a few times with her alchemy skills. I was definitely not looking forward to losing her.

A few minutes after Watcher left, Rarity approached me yet again. “I’ve completed all of the clothing modifications, Nav,” she said.

I turned around. “So I got some clothes to fit me as a chick now?” I asked.

“I meant the red hand,” she said. “I’ve gotten it onto all of the uniforms now. And your female clothing was done yesterday, though I admit that it’s woefully lacking in anything I’d ever put on it for a beautiful customer such as yourself.”

“Rarity, I’ve slapped you across the face for this once. I’m not above doing it again.”

She took two quick steps backwards. “Do you happen to remember what you told me before you slapped me?”

“That I’d slap your shit if you didn’t stop?”

“...Well, yes. But more along the lines of your gender stones? Here’s a little hint to help you remember: You said if you ever wanted to truly be a little girly boy, you’d just use the stones and stay that way.”

“This is different and you know it! I’m this way right now because I don’t want to risk pissing off our spidery guests. You know they’re watching, Rarity. Watching and waiting for a chance to stab us in the back. If they see me change into a guy, they’ll be all over us and get us attacked by the roving bandit groups around here.”

“Then go below. Or just don’t open your mouth. There’s hardly any reason to change your gender for this, Nav.”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“Oh? Are you sure it’s not some hidden desire that I might be able to assist you with? You know I would be happy to help, Nav.”

“Rarity, I can run faster than you can. I will quickly catch up to you and give you a spanking on the middle of the deck. So unless you want everyone to hear your moans and find out your fetish, I suggest you stop talking.”

She blushed a bright red, looking away. “Very well. But truly, should you wish to talk, find me.”

“You got it.” That’ll be a conversation I’ll never have. “Where’d you put my modified clothes? It’s hard to breathe in this armor.”

“In your drawer, of course. Didn’t you see my note?”

“...I don’t look in there often. Though to be fair, I really should stay in this armor for some time. It’ll be a lot safer. If I have to, I’ll just pull the shirt off or something.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that, actually. What is that made of? It looks as if it was designed by an actual human!”

“It was designed by Kincaid and created by robots. The fiber is something called carbon nanotubes, which is considerably stronger than steel.”

She stepped closer and lifted a hoof to feel it, finding how giving it was. “Soft, but stronger than steel? How?”

“Science. I wish I could explain it, but I don’t know either. Truth be told, I doubt you could construct anything like this with your technology.

“...Perhaps. But I can use silk to make something similar, and we happen to have an abundance of spider silk right now. Which reminds me of another thing. Those spiders with us, can you give them orders?”

“I can indeed, yes.”

“Can you ask them to give me a lot of web? It’s one of the strongest fabrics out there, while also very soft and expensive. If I could obtain a lot of it, I’d be able to trade them for supplies next time we stopped for long enough to sell them. And I could make plenty of clothing for the crew, clothing that might be as protective as their armor.”

“You just want their white sticky wads all over your face, don’t you?” I asked.

She blushed yet again. “While it has been a… while since I relieved stress, I would not turn to a… spider to do it. Let alone a female spider. No offense to Rainbow Dash or mares like her, but I do not see the appeal. Squishy, wet, slimy... Why a stallion would ever want anything to do with that is beyond me, but I’m quite grateful that they do.”

“That’s considerably more than I ever wanted to know. Now let’s go talk to those spiders.”

“Very well. Just… lead the way. Their silk is useful, but… I am not a fan of spiders, you see.”

“Me either. You get over fear quickly when you have no choice but to act unafraid.”

“...Perhaps. But as you said some time ago, I quite like my irrational fears. They keep me alive and healthy.”

“I believe I said hate, not fear.”

“What is hate, but fear with anger?”

“...I would love to debate that point, but let’s go find some spiders.”

“Shouldn’t be hard,” she said, pointing to the one that was very obviously on the deck. Very obviously, because there was a large empty space all the way around her and most of the soldiers on deck were surreptitiously staring. I started walking over, Rarity behind me.

Three of the spider’s eight eyes moved to face me when I got next to it, but most of its body didn’t move. “I want you to help Rarity with something, if you are able,” I said.

“What do you require, mistress?” the spider asked.

“How much silk can you generate? And how quickly can you make more?”

“That depends entirely upon how much protein we have, mistress. If you sacrifice two or three of these ponies, we could cover the ship in it three times over. But right now, we could likely fill a few rooms, if they were the right size.”

“A single one of you could do that, or all of you could do that?” I asked.

“All of us. We need to keep reserves, after all. If you want to mine silk, there is plenty discarded on the ground from past battles.”

That must have been a fuckton of battles. “Well, Rarity is a seamstress. She would like some of your silk, if you’re willing to provide it.”

“Of course, mistress. Shall I get the others?”

Rarity nearly choked, but recovered and said, “N-no, dear. One… one at a time is plenty enough…”

“Then where do you want my silk?”

Rarity gulped and looked up to me. I rolled my eyes and looked around the deck until I found a few guards not doing anything. They were watching the exchange, ready to jump in if needed. I waved them over. “Go with Rarity, if you would,” I told them. “She and our little spider friend here want to attempt something.”

“Yes sir,” the leader of the squad said to me with a salute. “Lead the way, ma’am,” he said to Rarity.

“Ah, yes. Thank you, fine gentlecolts. Right this way.” She started leading them below, seeming to feel much better with a bunch of strong men around to attend her every need. And also a pony-eating spider.

...Of course, that only made me wonder where the other spiders were. I walked over to the first person I saw, Gourd, and asked, “Where are the creepy crawlies?”

“Under us,” he said. “And I don’t like it.”

“In the cargo hold?”

“No. Under the ship. Said they wanted to check out the view and that they could ward off attacks easier by being seen.”

“...How the hell did they get down there?”

“Webs. Sent a pegasus down there to check on them a few minutes ago. They’re just drifting under the ship, held on by web.”

“That’s creepy as fuck. Well, I know just how to keep an eye on them. You know how far we are from the plant thing Zecora wants?”

“No sir. Pretty close, I think.”

“Good, good. I’m going below for a moment. Anything happens, find me.”

“Aye, sir.” That done, I went below, hunting for a certain annoying bubblegum horse.

Now, one does not simply find Pinkie, no. It became even harder than before, now that she had the assistance of an air elemental. Finding Pinkie was nearly imposs—She was in her room, as it turns out. “Whattaya need, Navi?” she happily asked when I stepped inside the open door. She seemed to be playing battleship or something with no partner, though I had a feeling that was just because Aerie was invisible.

“You want to go make some friends?” I asked.

Her face lit up with a bright smile. “Yeah!”

“Bitchin’. There are four spiders hanging out under the ship. I’m sure they’d love to be your friend.”

“I hope so! Ooh, do you think they’d like any gifts?”

“No, you’re fine just as you are. Just make sure to take Aerie with you, so you can introduce her as well.”

“What are you doing, Navarone?” Aerie whispered, her body suddenly swirling around my head. I tapped my temple, hoping she’d get the message that she was temporarily invited inside. It seemed she did, because she whispered, “Roomy,” a second later.

“He’s using Pinkie to keep an eye on the spiders,” Flo said.

“Hm. This is what you keep your sanctum like, water?” the air asked. “Too… ordered. Boring. But then, that’s what I’ve come to expect from you poor souls. I don’t know how you get by like this…”

“We manage,” Flo dryly answered. “Now you have your reason. You are excused.”

Aerie let herself back out just as quickly, my body shivering as she quickly left my area to float around Pinkie. “Come, pink one,” Aerie said. “Let us see what fun we can have with these spiders…” Pinkie happily skipped out, already giggling in delight.

I wonder if those spiders will ever forgive me.

“Probably not. Now let’s get out of her room before we find something we don’t want to see.”

There’s nothing wrong with a sex toy collection. Hey, maybe she’ll even let me borrow some if I need to stay in this body for a few more days.

“I meant something more along the lines of evil party plans, for the party that will last forever.”

“...Yeah, let’s go.” I quickly let myself out, heading back to the deck. Spike and Ames were training, but I didn’t want to do much in my somewhat unfamiliar body, so I didn’t join them. Kumani was still below, probably sleeping or something. I think Taya was either studying or with Twilight, practicing.

Before I could resolve to do nothing, Dash accosted me. “Yo Nav, you mind if I do some flying?”

“Go for it. But make yourself useful. Talk to Zecora, ask her where you can go to scout for her plant. And take Gilda with you. Make sure she has a radio. We don’t know what else lives in this place, and anything that’s badass enough to survive against these spiders is probably badass enough to survive against you.”

“...Are you saying I’m not badass?”

“Dash, why would you want to have a bad ass? Having a sexy one is much better, and trust me, that’s not something you need to worry about.”

“...Wait, I’m confused. Are you saying I have a nice ass or that I don’t?”

“Go talk to Zecora, Dash.” She blinked a few times before shrugging and flying off to the helm, where Zecora was giving directions to the driver. A few seconds later, she was flying off to presumably find Gilda. I stopped paying attention at that point, and just walked to the tip of the ship, watching wherever we were flying and wondering what kind of plant we were looking for.

That also gave me one of my first real looks at the landscape under us. Sure, we had been flying over it for a while, but I had been considerably more concerned with other things, such as not getting turned into a sex slave or whatever. Now that we were a decent distance away from the spider city, the webbing was dying down, getting replaced mostly by jungle and mountains, in some places. The entire place was heavily overgrown, with no signs of occupation at all other than the occasional spattering of webs.

It was eerie. The other land we flew over was empty for a reason. The arctic circle was a frozen wasteland. The plains of southern Gryphonia and northern Equestria were apparently called the wastes, because they were so inhabited by monsters that it was considered a waste to attempt to settle it. The ocean was the fucking ocean. But this… this seemed like prime real estate. Plenty of land, plenty of trees. Presumably plenty of food, if you know how to look for it.

I could not help but wonder what kind of race might be living below, unseen by us in our ship. The spiders probably knew, but they were all below. I had a feeling they probably wouldn’t be hanging out down there if anything was a threat to us, so it wasn’t really that much of a concern.

About fifteen minutes later, I saw Gilda and Dash swooping back in. Gilda landed next to me and Dash continued on to the helm. “You ain’t gonna believe this, dude,” she said.

“What ain’t I gonna believe?” I asked, turning to her.

“There are things down there that look kinda like you, but smaller and furrier and with no wings! Kinda wanted to snatch one up to see what it tasted like, but I figured Dash woulda freaked. You want to go grab one?”

“...There are monkeys down there?”

“That’s what they’re called? Well, whatever. You hungry?”

“Leave ‘em alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if those things were sapient. How many did you see?”

“Eh, not many. And they were hidden really well, too. Looked like they were watching the ship or somethin’.”

“Wonder why. You find the plant Zecora’s lookin’ for?”

“Oh, that thing? Yeah, we found it. Didn’t look like much, though.”

“Good. Any trouble around it?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. It’s in the middle of a clearing or something, though. Odd, but whatever. I think I saw a few more of those money keys around it, though.”

“Monkeys,” I corrected without thinking, turning back face outward. “Can you point it out to me?”

“Should be…” One of her talons shot forward, pointing at an inconspicuous part of the forest. “...there or so. Dash’s telling them where. She was always better with directions and that stuff.”

“Excellent, so we’re nearly there.”

“Yep. Hey, why’s your voice so high, anyway?”

“I currently have a vagina.”

“Oh. Cool. So you want to go eat one of them monkeys or what?”

“I just told you to leave them alone.”

“Fine, fine.” She muttered something that I pointedly ignored. “So what happened in that spider place?”

I shrugged and turned back to face her, leaning against the railing. “We got to assassinate the shit out of a priestess, earning the eternal damnation of her warlike god.”

“You get to have all the fun, don’t you? So how did it go?” Since we had some time, I told her the story, leaving out the offer the daughter chick made to turn me into a pleasure slave. After all, I didn’t think that news needed to get back to Kumani. “These spider things are weird, but pretty cool. You think any of them would be down for a quick fling?”

I blinked a few times in surprise before shrugging. “No clue. There’s one with Rarity. The other four are hanging out under the ship. Feel free to ask.”

“I think I’ll do that. Bring Dashie, too. I know she likes being tied up and played with, and I bet these spiders are good at that…”

“Go for it. Let me know all the details.”

“Will do. See you, Nav.” She spread her wings and took off again, then quickly dove down under the ship.

Dash landed next to me a few seconds later. “Where’d Gilda go?” she asked.

“Went to go ask the spiders a question. How long do you think until we get there?”

“At my speed, probably ten seconds. At this slow ship’s speed? Eh, about five.”

“Alright. Thanks, Dash. I got to get a shore party together. You found the place. You want to go?”

“Sure. But why haven’t you been letting me do any of the cool stuff with you? I would totally be useful against those spiders!”

“Because, and try not to take this the wrong way, you’re way too quick to react and your reactions are always the exact opposite of what they should be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!?”

“It means you’re impulsive and that you need to work on that. If you can prove to me you won’t fly off the handle at the slightest thing, I’ll start trusting you with more. But until then, you’re going to be doing nothing but scouting, guarding the ship, and coming on unimportant assignments.”

Her eyes narrowed. “We’ll see about that!”

“Yeah, if you work on it. Otherwise, there’s nothing to see about. Now, I gotta go. If you’re going, consider this your trial run. You do good here, follow my orders, and don’t blow up, we’ll see. Alright?”

She snorted, presumably very pissed, but she nodded. “Alright. Don’t even think about leaving without me!”

“I won’t.” Much. “Now go get ready.” She nodded and galloped off to the stairs heading down as I walked over to where Watcher was standing. “There in about five. I’m not expecting much trouble.”

“What you expect and what you get…”

“...Are often very different things,” I finished with a nod. “Still, Gilda and Dash both said it looks clean. Want just one squad. I’ll take Dash, Spike, Twilight, and Applejack as well. This should be a milk run.”

“And if it’s not, you’re bringing a lot of greenies. Sure you want them at your back?”

“I trust Applejack and Twilight’s smart. Spike’s too worried about failing me to mess up. Just keep an eye on us with your scope. You see us getting in trouble, bring some reinforcements.”

“Alright, sir. Seems like a bad idea, but they gotta get experience working as a military unit somehow.”

“Yep. Get a squad together. I’ll see about finding the others.”

“Yes sir.” He saluted and walked off to some of his troops.

I looked over to where the naga and Spike were still practicing, Ames kicking Spike’s ass. “Naga, Spike!” They both looked up. “Cool it for a sec. Spike, you’re going on the shore party. You got five minutes. Get ready.”

“And me?” the naga asked.

“Staying up here. We aren’t landing, so getting you down would be hell. Just stand next to Watcher. He’ll be watching and is gonna extract us if we get into trouble.”

“Very well. And when are you going to turn your back on that weak feminine body, human?”

“When it stops serving a purpose. Trust me, I’m definitely looking forward to turning back. Now, I need to find a few others. Spike, get ready.”

“You got it, Nav. Do you know what’s down there?”

“Nope. Bring your shield.”

“...Alright.” I left him there and went below, first heading to Twilight’s room. As expected, she and Taya were both there.

“Twilight, got a job for you. Meet us on deck in five.”

“How long should it take?” she asked, looking up from whatever they were doing.

“No clue. Taya, find something else to do.”

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Not this time.” She just sighed. “Five, Twilight.”

“Alright, Nav. We should be able to stop in just a minute.” I nodded and started looking for Applejack. Surprisingly enough, I found her in Rarity’s room, watching the spider along with the other soldiers.

“Applejack, get suited up,” I said. “Meet us up top in five.”

“Reckon I can do that. Armor?”

“Yeah. And your rope, if you want.”

“Easy enough. See you in five.” She hopped up from where she had been chilling as I just left that room behind, heading down to mine to pick up my gear. It took me less than a minute to grab my weapons and some ammo. Picking my gun up reminded me that I needed to refill the magazine we emptied on the spiders, but it could definitely wait.

When I got to the deck, everyone but Applejack was up there and it felt like we were starting to slow down. “Just about there,” Watcher said when I walked up to him. “Gilda and I aren’t seeing anything down there.”

“You also didn’t see the spiders until they were attacking us,” I said.

“Yes, I’m well aware. But we also happen to have four of those spiders under us.” The ship began shuddering to a stop. “Looks like we’re there. Applejack going?”

“Give her a few. She was the last I told and she has to put on armor. And I’d rather keep an eye on the area for a few minutes anyway. And Zecora also has to get ready to go.”

“True enough. Not like there’s really a reason to be in a hurry.”

“Yep.” I walked on over to stand at the front of the ship again, looking over the assembled group. Most of them looked up toward me. “This is just a quick stop, guys. Get down there, see what we can do about getting Zecora what she needs, and get back up. There shouldn’t be any trouble down there.”

“What does Zecora need?” Spike asked.

“A special kind of medicine that only grows here,” I said. “Don’t ask me how she knew it grew here, because I have no clue.” Some of them shrugged. “But she’s saved my life and a few of your lives on this trip, so I figure it’s only fair that we help her out. Just a small detour, after all.” As that last word left my lips, Applejack and Zecora both came onto deck, AJ in her armor and Zecora with a tribal-like set of bags on her back. “You two ready?” I asked.

“Yep,” Applejack said with a nod, joining our group. Zecora just nodded, knowing my aversion to hearing her speak too much.

“Alright then. Twilight, think you can teleport us all?”

“Um. I don’t want to risk it. Last time I tried a group teleportation spell like that, you kinda got left behind. In front of a horde of dragons.”

“Oh yeah. That. Pegasi, grab an earth pony and fly. Spike, I’ll carry you. Twilight, teleport Zecora down.” Twilight nodded as I grabbed Spike and the two pegasi grabbed the two earth horses. We all jumped down as Twilight, Zecora, and the guard unicorn teleported down. Soon enough, we joined them on the ground. “Spike, sword out. Troopers, watch the treelines. Dash, overwatch. Applejack, Twilight, on Zecora. Spike, watch my back. Zecora, get to it.”

They all started doing as I said. Dash didn’t get too high, just high enough that she could lazily circle the area, watching the trees and looking for anything that looked like it might want to eat us. Zecora, Twilight, and AJ went to the center of the clearing, where an extremely large flowerbud lifted from the ground by a disturbingly thick stem. The entire thing seemed mottled and broken, deathly. The thick stem had little bristles all across it, each of which I could only assume was heavily poisoned.

Zecora pulled out a book and she and Twilight started poring over it, looking for some hint of how to open the flower without murdering someone. As they did that, I slowly walked around the large field, looking back and forth between the flower and the trees, wondering if my solution would work.

“You smell… nice,” Spike said about five minutes after we landed.

“...Why are you smelling me, Spike?” I asked, looking back at him.

His little ear spines jerked and then slumped, a small blush on his face. “I… I didn’t mean to! It’s just strong and you were holding me…”

“Ah. What does it smell like? I didn’t use any kind of different soap or anything.”

“It… kinda reminds me of Doppel, I guess.”

“Oh, fuck me… I forgot to take a shower after spending time with Kumani. I keep forgetting how sensitive your noses are compared to mine.”

“No, I know how you smell after you had sex when you’re… male. You smell different. Better. Sweeter.”

“Alright, that’s creepy. Keep that shit to yourself.” He blinked a few times and then shrugged, rubbing at his nose. “Now let’s go see what the damn hold-up is, shall we?” I didn’t wait for an answer, nor did I expect one. It didn’t take me long to get to the flower thing. “Ladies. What’s going on?”

“Well… We have to kill somepony to make this thing open, Nav,” Twilight said. “We’re trying to find some other way in this book, but there’s nothing here.”

“Hm.” I looked up at the flower with its sickly appearance. “Does it specify that it has to be a pony?”

“Well, not exactly. It says that only the lifeblood of an innocent creature can sustain the flower’s lust for violence.”

Innocent creature… I looked at the ground around the plant before spotting what I was looking for and began walking that way. “How do you complete the ritual?” I asked, standing right next to it.

“You just… kill somepony near it and the blood will… seep over. It’s disgusting.”

“Hm.” My booted foot stepped down on the disturbingly large beetle that was resting there with a nasty crunch.

Twilight looked down, unimpressed. “What was the point of that?” she asked.

When I lifted my boot, she and I both saw that the goo from the bug was starting to pull away from me and the ground and fly toward the plant. “I take it the book didn’t specify that the life had to be sapient, did it?” I asked.

Twilight looked away, blushing a bright red.

“Gotta think outside the box, Twilight,” I said, shaking the rest of the beetle off my boot.

“That solution is both elegant and dark,” Zecora said. “Truly, the differences in our minds is stark. It seems my rhyming days are truly at an end. No longer the rules of rhetoric must I bend. Navarone, you will, of course, eternally have my thanks. I will be pleased to help you against your enemy’s ranks. But if we ever pass by my heart’s true home, I would like to shortly cease my life-long roam.”

“Alright, that’s cool with me,” I said, nodding. “No promises we’ll be hitting up Africa any time soon, but if we do, we can chill at your pad for a while. Drinks on you?”

“Once again, I have no idea what you said. I can only hope that my home is not dead.”

“I’m sure it’ll be just fine, Zecora,” Twilight said reassuringly. “And I bet they’ll be so happy to see you!”

“Self-imposed, my exile was not. They’d be happy to see me rot. Homecoming will not be easy or safe, but all should be well with this ship to strafe.”

“We got your back, don’t you worry,” I said, nodding. “Now would you mind hurrying up and getting this flower thing back on board? I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this.”

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“Just… something I picked up,” I said. “A feeling I get when I’m being watched or something bad’s about to happen. Get that flower ready to go quickly, Zecora. I’m gonna go look around. Spike, come on.”

He started following me again as we walked. “So what’s that feeling like?” he asked as we walked.

“Just a… hollowness in my stomach. Different from hunger. A kind of nervousness, maybe. I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Hm. I don’t feel anything.”

“Good. Maybe it’s just me.”

“It’s not,” Flo said.

Thanks for making me feel at ease, there. She didn’t reply.

“Yo Dash!” I called. She looked over my way. “All clear?” She nodded, not bothering to answer with words. I shrugged and looked to the troops. The squad leader was looking at me. When he saw that I saw him, he shook his head, frowning. I immediately unholstered my rifle and pumped it, ready for… something.

“Trouble?” Spike somewhat nervously asked, lifting his sword and shield.

“Be ready for anything,” I said by way of answer. “I’m not the only one feeling it.” I noticed him getting much closer as we walked after I said that. I very much hoped that was nerves instead of him thinking he would be protecting me.

Thankfully, things were silent for about five minutes as Zecora did her thing with the flower, prepping the area for it to finally open. And when it did, the silence in the clearing immediately died as the plant opened, screaming like a fat black woman getting murdered. Everyone jumped, looking that way.

And of course, that’s when all the darts from the trees shot at us. My armor protected me from most of them, but several hit my head, which was unprotected. I imagine the same thing was repeated all across the clearing as all the troops and the girls were also hit. As soon as I realized we were under attack, my hand shot down to my radio, yanking it up. “Under attack!” I said into it. “Get… get someone… down…”

I slowly looked up, seeing that everyone in the field had collapsed but me and Spike. “Nav, what’s happening?!” he squeaked, holding his shield up as several darts just bounced off his dragony hide. The poison coursing through my veins disallowed me from answering. Instead, I just began falling forward, where Spike caught me before I could hit the ground. “Nav!”

The last thing I saw before Flo claimed me was a monkey appearing out of nowhere, grabbing me.

Whatever dark poison struck me, it blocked my mind even from seeing Flo. She was presumably able to stop all dreams, but I couldn’t speak to her or see her. So it seemed like no time at all that I woke up in a bed. At first, I felt relieved, because I assumed my crew had come to my rescue.

But then I realized the bed I was on wasn’t anywhere near as comfortable as my own bed. And that I was not nearly as naked as I usually am when I sleep. I sat up, feeling all up and down me. My body was covered in a flowing night gown, nothing underneath. Fuck, where the hell am I? Flo?

She didn’t answer. I quickly looked around the large and fancy room, seeing only wooden furniture that looked specially made for me, but no way of defending myself. It all looked too sturdy to break and too heavy to use as a bludgeon.

Sitting in bed wasn’t going to do me any good, so I got out, looking around the room. None of the drawers had any of my belongings, though each seemed to have some manner of clothing. Absolutely all of it was made for girls, presumably someone my size.

Since the night gown I was wearing left very little to the imagination and I had a feeling I’d need all the dignity I could get to talk myself out of whatever situation I might soon find myself in, I pulled the soft dress off and rooted around until I found the plainest dress I could. It was some kind of silk, dyed yellow. I snorted as I realized I found a frilly sun dress.

But since I really didn’t care what I was wearing, I just shrugged and pushed the drawer closed, then walked to the door. Surprisingly, it wasn’t locked. I slowly pushed it open, wondering what new horrors might wait on the other side.

Beyond the door were three rather small monkeys. Two were holding some kind of spears that I realized doubled as blowguns. The third was a wizened older one that smiled up at me when I opened the door.

Honestly, I probably should have expected what came next. “Hello, my queen,” the older one said, bowing low. The two guards followed suit.

I just sighed, slowly facepalming when I realized what a long day I had ahead of me.

Chapter One Hundred and Four—Monkey Business

Chapter One Hundred and Four—Monkey Business

“Are you unwell, your highness?” the monkey asked, concern in his voice. “Guard, go find the healer at once!”

“I’m fine,” I quickly said, looking up. “Just confused. Why am I your queen, again?”

“Our goddess, Brook, foretold your coming and urged us to place you in power. Of course we obeyed her.”

That name instantly set off alarms in my head. “Brook? What does she look like?”

“Who are we to look upon a goddess, my queen? Her voice is pleasing and kind. She is a loving goddess and looked over us as the spiders rose in power. We have survived and thrived with her teachings. And of course, shadowdancing and other magics have helped as well.”

“...You’re going to explain most of that later. Where are my companions? And why did you kidnap me?”

“We did not kidnap you, my queen. We saved you! That monstrous lizard sought to eat you. His scales are currently eluding us, but when we find a way to pierce them, he’ll be punished for what he almost did.”

My eyes opened wide. “No! Take me to him right now!”

The guards shared a look behind the older one’s back. The one also seemed taken aback. “Are you sure, my queen? He is dangerous and already broke free from two cells. We had to chain him to the floor using some of our precious metal supplies.”

“Take me to him,” I said again, putting an edge in my voice.

He looked rather down, but nodded and turned to one of the guards. “Run ahead. Tell them the queen wants to inspect the prisoner.”

“Yes, vizier,” the guard said with a nod. Then he turned to me and bowed before scrambling down the hall to our right.

“This is definitely going to cut into our schedule,” the older dude sighed, starting to walk down the hall. I followed, since I didn’t know the way at all.

“It’s my first day. I’m sure they’ll understand.”

“You haven’t even eaten yet, your highness! Or met with suitors, or your advisors, or spoke to the commoners… I understand that it is your first day, but you should set a good example for the coming years!”

“I will, don’t you worry.” Break Spike out and fly the fuck away from here. Get my ship and crew, come back and get my stuff and the water elemental. And of course, find out why the fuck Flo isn’t talking to me. “So how long was I asleep?”

“Two or three days, my queen. We suspected you would be asleep longer. Most of those that hit with our poisons are asleep for at least a week.”

“You said you have the dra—Er, lizard. What about the rest? All the ponies?”

“Our shadowdancers were ordered to secure only you, my queen. The lizard already had you in his grasp, so he was carried as well.”

“Hm. What about my belongings? What I was wearing when you brought me here?”

“They were hardly fit for a queen, but we decided to save them in case you had any sentimental value on them. We left them in the chamber of our goddess, as she requested.”

“As good a place as any, I suppose. Though I’d much rather have them on me. Better than this… dress.”

“Would you prefer skirts, your majesty?” he asked. “We weren’t certain, so we had plenty of both made.”

“I’d prefer steel. Armor. Something protective. And pants. I mean, I like showing off as much as the next guy, but I really don’t want all of you trying to peek up my dress.”

“We would never disrespect you so, my queen!” the guy said.

“I’m sure. The point remains that I want my armor back. And my weapons.”

“You will never need such instruments of violence again, my queen. We are here to guard you and die for you, if need be.”

“I’d prefer you live for me, thank you. How far away is this prison? I don’t want Spike getting hurt.”

“We would not keep the prison next to the royal chambers, my queen.”

“That’s actually really comforting. What about the armory and the barracks?”

“Those are kept well away from anywhere an escaping prisoner might run. Well, most escaping prisoners. This lizard is proving very resilient. It took us nearly an hour to corner him the second time he broke free.”

“Hm.”

“You needn’t fear, your majesty,” the vizier quickly said. “We will not let him harm you.”

“I imagine that I could probably protect myself against Spike better than ten of your soldiers ever could,” I said. “Even without my weapons and armor.”

“...A bold boast. One that will never need to be proven, as he will not harm you. He is well muzzled, after all.”

“If he’s muzzled, how are you feeding him?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“We aren’t, of course.” God fucking dammit. I’m so sorry, Spike… “He’s hardly been cooperative. But I hasten to assure you, aside from a few beatings that I honestly don’t think he really felt through his scales, his torture hasn’t truly begun. You will be free to watch, if you desire.”

I’m starting to seriously dislike these fucking monkeys. I held my displeasure in check, though; no reason to risk turning them hostile or trying to imprison me for ‘my own good.’ I’d play their little game for some time, see who the players were and what was going on.

Still, I decided to stop talking so these things didn’t push me too far. I’d hate to explode on them in raw rage. So the rest of the walk to Spike’s cell was in silence.

When we got to a large stone door—most of everything in that place was made of wood, by the way—the vizier stopped me. “Are you sure you want to see him, your majesty? There are more pleasant things we could be doing.”

“Open the door, vizier, or you will be joining him in his cell.”

He sighed and shrugged, then waved the guard to the door. “So be it, your majesty.” The guard walked up and used the butt of his spear to knock on the door. A few seconds later, it opened inward. “Is the prisoner well-contained?”

“Yes, grand vi—My queen!” The guard within immediately bowed low. I rolled my eyes and pushed past them both, entering the prison.

Two of the cells (with wooden bars) were blackened and destroyed, looking like a bomb went off within them. And only one of them was occupied, with a number of guards standing outside the cell, whispering and looking in. None were looking my way as I walked over, though the vizier fellow quickly fixed that by saying, “Stand aside for your queen!”

They all looked over with wide eyes, then slowly looked to me. And of course, then they all started bowing and shoving each other to get out of my way. Since most of them came up to my knee or so, I just stepped over them, not caring if they were looking or not. I stopped in front of the cell, sighing when I saw Spike.

He was lying on his side, facing away from the cell door. Some of his spines seemed to have been broken or damaged. His tail was limp, stuck on the ground. He was very dirty and seemed to have some blood on him. The scales that normally shined currently lacked their luster, dull in the poor light of the cell. And there was a collar around his neck, chaining him to the floor.

“Open the door,” I said.

“Your majesty?” the guard closest to me slowly said.

I looked down at him and saw that he had a key ring and was presumably the jailor. “Did I stutter? Open this door.”

“Y-yes, your majesty.” Spike seemed to shift when he heard my voice, but didn’t move that much. The monkey quickly picked out the correct key and pushed the door open. Two guards immediately entered before me, their spears raised.

“Do not touch him,” I said, stepping in. The guards stopped, but warily watched Spike’s immobile form. I gently put a bare foot on his side and rolled him onto his back. He looked up at me with eyes full of fear. As soon as he saw it was me, what I could see of his mouth turned up in a smile. “Remove his collar and his muzzle at once,” I said.

“It’s not safe!” the jailor quickly said.

I whirled on him, my eyes narrowed, my fists clenched, and my wings shooting out. The jailor backed up, eyes wide in fear. “I am not a princess, to be coddled and led around on a leash! I am your queen, to be respected and obeyed! You will release this dragon at once or so help me, I will take one of these spears and put you on display as a wall ornament!”

“It’s just… he escaped twice already, your majesty!” the vizier said. “He’s dangerous!”

“He. Is my. Bodyguard. He escaped because he thought you kidnapped me! He wasn’t behind me to eat me, he was behind me to protect me! He was trying to save me, you stupid fucking monkeys! Now release him!”

The vizier visibly paled and nodded so quickly I thought he might break his neck. “Do as she commands!” The jailor practically jumped to obey, removing the collar first and then the muzzle.

I knelt down next to Spike when he didn’t move. “How you feelin’, man?” I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Not… not too good, Nav,” he croaked.

“Be respectful,” one of the guards said, poking him with the spear butt.

“You touch him with that again, I’m jamming it up your ass,” I growled, narrowing my eyes at the guard. He immediately backed up, all the way to the wall. “Can you walk?” I asked Spike.

“Don’t know…”

I nodded and gently grabbed him, lifting him up. The monkeys all gasped as I stood, carrying him. “Don’t exert yourself, your majesty!” the vizier shouted. Several guards stepped up, trying to grab the dragon from my grasp.

“Get away from him!” I shouted. They all jumped back as if stung as I turned to the vizier. “It’s time your goddess and I had a talk. Lead the way to her chamber.”

“You… you aren’t scheduled to meet with her for another few hours, your majesty!”

“I’m rescheduling to right now. Lead. The. Way.”

He gulped and nodded. “Right this way, your highness…” He started walking out. I followed, carrying Spike. All the guards clustered around me, ready to act in case Spike tried pulling anything. Personally, I had a feeling that none of them were expecting the day to go as it had. After all, queens are supposed to be demure and rule through kindness and gentleness, right? Not threats of violence.

“What’s going on?” Spike asked, his voice hoarse from too much fire and not enough water.

“Save your strength,” I told him. “Just rest.”

“Sounds… good,” he sighed, resting his head against my chest.

I looked down to some of the guards. “You two. Go to the kitchens. Have food and water sent to the room of your goddess. Spike and I shall eat breakfast with her, I believe.”

“Yes, your highness,” they both said, bowing and then running off.

“Gonna get you fed, Spike. And you better believe that water elemental’s gonna fix you right up. Then answer several fucking questions.” He didn’t reply. Sadly, I couldn’t really talk too much about plans with the monkeys all around us, because most of my plans involved getting Spike fixed, getting my shit, and then leaving. Even if I could talk about them, though, he didn’t seem to be paying too much attention.

After about a minute of walking, the vizier said, “This creature is your… bodyguard, majesty?”

“Yes. He broke out of your prison so he could find me and protect me.”

“...I see. I… apologize for keeping him from you. Had we known…”

“Now you do. And it isn’t me you need to apologize to.”

“Hm. We will need to inform your suitors. Some might be less interested if they are aware your personal guard is a beast of such power.”

“First, suitors are unnecessary. Second, Spike’s probably more cultured than you are. Third, how many suitors do I even have?”

“I believe the last count was around thirty, your highness. And of course they’re necessary! How else will you learn our customs? Mingle with our people? And of course, you will need someone to warm your bed, will you not?”

“I already have a lover.”

“But he is not here, is he? Your old life of hardship is left behind, your highness. You are our queen, now. There is no need for you to hold onto the past.”

Man, fuck this shit. Time for a gamble. “No, my lover is definitely here. I’m holding him in my arms.” Everyone in the hall immediately stopped, staring at me. Most had wide-open mouths. “Yes, Spike is my partner. I suggest you remember very carefully what you did to him, vizier. Because if he’s feeling vindictive, I feel sorry for you.”

“Y-yes, your m-m-majesty…”

“Now, did I tell you to stop? Lead the way. And the next chance you get, tell those suitors that I am taken.”

“...Yes, my queen.” We continued walking in silence until he finally asked, seeming slightly less depressed, “My queen, I have a question, and my apologies if I offend. But I just realized that we don’t even know your name. Would you please grace us with it?”

“My name is Navarone, vizier. I will learn all the names of my advisors later, when my mind is not filled with concern.”

“Of course, your highness.” Thankfully, he shut up then and didn’t speak again until we were before an extremely ornate door with two guards in silk armor that watched us approach warily. “Our queen wishes to approach the goddess for a miracle,” the vizier said.

“Goddess Brook is not accepting—” I walked up and kicked the flimsy doors open, nearly off their hinges, and strode inside. Both of the guards jumped in front of me before I could get too far, holding their spears up as high as they could get them.

“I will beat you to death with a dragon if you do not get those motherfucking spears out of my goddamn face!”

“Guards, leave us,” the gentle voice of a water elemental said. “I believe Queen Navarone and I have things to discuss.”

“Yes, goddess,” one of them said before they both left, looking down.

I waited until they closed the broken doors as best they could before saying, “Come out, elemental, and heal Spike.”

Brook slowly slid out of some kind of enclosure at the far end of the room before forming into a humanoid water elemental. “I suspected you knew what I was,” she commented as we moved toward each other.

“Gee, I wonder if the water elemental in my head had anything to do with that.”

“...Yes, that was my first hint. Flo is very protective of you. I was unable to expel her from your body, but I believe I made her too weary to interfere for some time.”

“Help Spike and then explain yourself,” I said, setting the poor dragon on the floor.

She made no move toward him. “If you have an elemental in your mind, I suspect you know that we can’t help others for free.”

“What do you want, sex? That was Flo’s price. If that’s what you desire, so be it.”

“No, I have no need of companionship,” she said, slowly sliding up to me, skirting around Spike. “I have questions. Questions I believe that you might be able to answer. And of course, I will require that you be a proper queen to these monkeys.”

“I will answer your questions, elemental. But do not think for a moment I will stay here when my crew comes for me. Because they will be coming. Honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t teleported here already, but they have another water elemental host, so they can track you. We’re here for you, Brook. And we aren’t planning on leaving without you.”

“We shall see about that. I keep these poor monkeys alive in this hostile realm. It was I that based their society off ancient human customs. And it was I that sent them for you, human. I have questions and you will answer them, and I may answer yours.” She turned her head down to Spike. “I suppose that is fair pay for now. I despise allowing others to suffer.” With that, she broke her form, landing on top of Spike. Seconds later, she was fully absorbed into his body, also cleaning all the dirt and blood off him. In no time at all, the damage present on his body fixed itself, restoring him to mostly pristine condition, minus the lack of food or water.

I knelt down next to him again as the water elemental seeped out and he sat up, rubbing at his head. “How you feelin’, Spike?” I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He blinked a few times, then remembered where he was. When he looked up and saw me, both of his arms immediately wrapped around me. “Oh thank Celestia, you’re okay!”

“Don’t thank Celestia,” I said, hugging him back.

“I was so scared, Nav…”

“You did just fine, Spike,” I said.

“They… they hurt me so much…”

Man, if he’s whining about a few beatings, it’s good they didn’t figure out how to get through his scales. “You’re safe now,” I said. “I won’t let them hurt you.”

“I know. I… I saw you scaring them off. Thank you so much, Nav.”

“You’d do the same.” And I got you into this mess anyway… I gently pushed him back. He seemed very reluctant to let me go, but did so anyway. When he saw what I was wearing, he blinked. “We’re in a bit of a mess here,” I said.

“Nav, why are you wearing a dress?”

“Because I don’t know where my armor is and this is all these fucking monkeys are giving me. They think I’m a queen.”

“...Huh. You look… pretty.”

“Shut the fuck up or the water elemental will have to heal you again.” He giggled. “Yeah, laugh it up all you want. When we get back, I’ll get Rarity to make you a maid outfit and you can practice with the naga in that.”

“...I bet I’d be pretty, too.”

I just sighed, shaking my head. “Go open the door and see if there’s any food out there. If there is, grab it and bring it in here.”

His eyes lit up at the mention of food. “You got it! They haven’t given me anything in days.” That said, he jumped off the floor and walked over the door, tail wagging excitedly.

“Always so easy to please,” I muttered, turning back to the elemental. “Where’s my stuff? My armor and my weapons?” And more importantly, my radio.

“You will get them back after our talk,” she said. “Come, sit.” She waved a hand over to a small lounge area that looked like it was made for me. I shrugged and walked over, with her following me. She couldn’t sit, but I could, and did. “That’s not very… ladylike,” she commented, looking down to where I was probably flashing my parts to anyone that felt like looking.

“Give me my armor and it won’t be a problem,” I said, not moving.

“You are not in a position of power here, human. I gave you the status of queen. You will either act like it or I will take over once more, treating you as even more of a figurehead than was planned. Which will involve marrying a suitor, of course. I will allow you to pretend that this dragon is your lover for now, but should you misbehave, he will be taken from you. And you better be ready to back up your claims that he’s your lover, or he will be taken anyway.”

“I will not let him be tortured, elemental. And neither would you, if Flo was telling the truth about water elementals.” That didn’t stop me from adjusting my position to a more proper one, though.

“The past is dead, Navarone. Which brings me to my first question. Why are you here? Why, after so many years, does a human return to us?”

“Does the name Anonymous ring any bells to you?”

Her color went from blue to orange instantly. “I haven’t heard it in some time, but yes. It is familiar. Wait…” Her body surged forward so she could stare better at me. “...Navarone. I know that name. There were records of you.” She slowly pulled back to her original position. “But Navarone is not female.”

“Yeah, I’m not. But I have some magic stones that change gender. It just so happens that those spider bastards hate men. It was advantageous for me to be a woman, so I used the stones. Since we have spiders on board now and I don’t want them betraying me, I stayed this way. All this talk of me being a queen should be me as a king.”

“But you are not, so a queen you shall be.”

“You have to realize that I’m not going to stay here. As I said, my crew is coming for me. And they might well be teleporting to me, as soon as they realize I’m awake.”

“Impossible. These monkeys have… some manner of magic. It’s a fickle thing, but it allows for kinds of enchantments. You will not be teleported for some time, Navarone. Long enough for them to assume you’re dead.”

“Either way, they’re coming for me. Because they know where you are. We’re on a quest to free the elementals, and you’re the one we’re here to pick up. So you can stop them from teleporting here, but don’t think you’ll stop them from getting here.”

“I feared as much. I felt one of my sisters moving more than any have in years. I will not leave. And neither will you. Your friends may visit, but you are not allowed to leave with them.”

My eyes narrowed slightly. “We’ll see about that.”

“If you value your dragon friend, there is no option here. I left a certain parting gift in him. If you attempt to leave, or misbehave too much, I will shut down his brain.”

My face paled in horror. “You… A water elemental wouldn’t do that! You’re supposed to be kind, loving, a friend to all life!”

“I am a friend to these monkeys, Navarone. They need a ruler. Preferably a human one, so they can learn their history and the greatness of humans properly. And you will demonstrate that greatness.”

Before I could reply, Spike walked back over with a large platter of fruits and two pitchers of water. “These bananas are pretty good,” he said, talking with his mouth full. “You should try some, Nav.”

“...I’m not hungry. Sit, Spike.” He shrugged and walked over to the couch, plopping down next to me. Since there was a table in front of us, he sat the platter and the water on it. “Alright, I got some strange news for you,” I said.

“I’m listening.”

“We’re pretending to be lovers.”

He blinked a few times before shrugging. “Alright, whatever. Not like we have to kiss or anything.”

“Incorrect, dragon,” the elemental said. “The two of you will do many romantic things together.”

“Hold on, now,” I said. “I’m okay with doing a lot of things. Kissing, sure. Hugging, eh. Sucking him off, if he buys me dinner first. But I have a girlfriend that would probably kill us both if we fucked.”

“How many monkeys do you think will be watching whatever you do in your room, Navarone?” she asked. “As long as you make noises and mess up the sheets, who are they to know?”

“Good.”

Spike shrugged and turned to me. “What does ‘sucking off’ mean?”

“Your penis in my mouth.”

“Oh. Wait, what?!” His face was lit up a bright red and his little ear spine things drooped low.

“Not important, because you don’t have any money. Basically, sounds like we’re just gonna be kissing occasionally, maybe holding hands. Little stuff.”

“...Oh. Well, I guess I did need some practice. Just… don’t tell Kumani.”

“You’re okay with this?” I asked, somewhat shocked.

“Well, it’ll be weird. I mean, you’re my best friend. But you’re a girl now, so it’s okay. And holding hands isn’t so bad, so it shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Bah. We’ve had your talk, water. Where are my belongings? And Spike’s?”

“In a moment. Should you not join your lover in eating? It has been days since you last ate, has it not?”

“I don’t need to eat that much.”

“That was not an offer, Navarone,” Brook said. “Prove to me that you can behave as lovers do.”

My eyes narrowed slightly. “There are different kind of lovers. Those that are playful and full of life. Those that are reserved and more laid back. Why would we need to be playful, to do all those silly things couples do?”

“Because it is expected, Navarone. Monkey couples are close. They feed each other. They help each other. They’re almost always touching. To deprive a lover of his partner is considered a great injustice. And if a couple is hands-off and as reserved as the two of you, it will be a sign that there is a great strain on your relationship. A strain that a possible suitor might attempt to worsen.”

“This is just getting ridiculous, water. I’m a queen. If I tell them to jump, they will be in the air before they ask how high. Why is all of this necessary?”

“To set a good example. And remember who holds your fate.”

I grit my teeth and turned to the platter, grabbing a slice of cut melon. “Open wide, dear,” I forced out, turning to Spike. He seemed to flinch when he saw the look on my face, but opened his mouth. As I moved the melon in close, his tongue snaked out and snatched the fruit away. “I gotta say this, at least: I will never get over how cool dragon tongues are.”

“Doppel always seemed to like it, at least,” he answered with a shrug. “So do I just… put one of these to your mouth?” he asked, grabbing a slice of fruit.

“Yeah.” He shrugged and did so, feeding it to me. We did that and got slightly more inventive until the platter was empty. I didn’t feel any more full, but he seemed content, at least. And he seemed even better when he drained one of the pitchers down. “Now can we get our things?” I asked the water.

“Very well. But you are not to carry any of your weapons or wear your armor, Navarone. You are a queen. You have a bodyguard and soldiers. You do not need to protect yourself.” What, no assassins?

“Whatever. Spike still needs his shit if he wants to protect me.”

“Indeed he does. Come, both of you.” I sighed and stood, popping my neck. “That behavior is unbecoming of a queen.”

Eat a dick, bitch. “I’ll try to remember that,” I lied.

“See that you do.” She started leading us to one of the corners. When she got there, she stuck a pole of water through a hole. A few seconds later, a secret wall clicked open, revealing all of our things on shelves.

I smiled darkly upon seeing my things and immediately considered testing Excalibur on an elemental, but decided against it. After all, Spike’s life was on the line. So instead, I passed the ancient sword to Spike. “If I can’t use this right now, you can,” I said. “And I’d rather have someone wielding it than it collecting dust.”

“Uh. Alright. But I do have more practice with that one you gave me…”

“Doesn’t matter too much. You can also hold onto the gun and the mags, since you don’t have your crossbow. But you better not damage it, you hear?”

“I’ll be careful, I promise.” I nodded and pulled out my armor, completely undamaged. In the pockets were the magazines, some human weapons, the radio, and a few other items. I decided not to go through that, in case Brook didn’t know what it contained. Since I couldn’t wear it at the moment, I tossed it over a shoulder and grabbed Spike’s sword and shield.

“Hm.” When I touched Spike’s sword, I started thinking back. “Did I ever tell you how I got this thing?” I asked, pulling the blade slightly out of the sheath.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, it’s not really important. But the ship we have used to be owned by pirates, as I think I told you. One of them had this on them. I think it was one of the ones I killed, actually. Either way, the dead hardly need their belongings, so I relieved him of it.”

“That’s kinda morbid,” he said, looking at the sword with distaste.

“Yeah,” I said with a shrug, handing it to him. He just hooked the belt over a shoulder, since Excalibur was on his side. Then I gave him the shield, which he put over his back. “You ready?” I asked.

“Well, if I’m your… lover, shouldn’t I be carrying your burdens?”

“Yes, he should,” Brook said. “Give him your armor, Navarone.”

I sighed and handed the carbon suit to him. “I suppose we better get back to my room to drop this shit off, huh?”

“Indeed you should, queen,” Brook said. “And you need to change into something more respectable. That outfit is fine for meeting with friends and things of low importance. You must make a good impression upon those you are to meet today.”

Fuck. “Fine. I’m gonna need someone to guide me back to my room, too.”

“There are plenty of guards out there, I believe. One can do so. After all, a queen should never go unguarded.”

“That’s what Spike is for,” I said. And why I gave him Excalibur and my gun. If things get ugly, I’m taking one of those and defending myself.

“It always pays to be safe. Now go.”

“One more question. What did you do to Flo?”

“I just exhausted her. She will return to strength in a few days. As long as you continue behaving, I will allow her to remain free.”

“So gracious,” I sarcastically said.

“Remember that. You are dismissed.”

I’m going to find a way to make you regret this. But the time for revenge wasn’t then, so I just grit my teeth and left, yanking the mostly broken doors open and walking out. Spike followed, rattling with all the shit he was carrying. “Vizier, I am going to get changed. Meet me in my room in half an hour. I will begin attending to my duties at that time.”

“Yes, your majesty!” he happily answered, bowing. “I shall go reschedule your appointments.”

“Great. You, lead me to my chambers,” I said to one random guard. He saluted and started walking off, carrying his spear. Spike and I followed him. Two more of the guards tagged along behind us, while one went with the vizier. The rest just sort of wandered off.

Thankfully, it didn’t take us long to get to my rooms. When I did, I closed and locked the doors as Spike set all the shit on the bed. “So how are we breakin’ out?” he asked.

“We’re not. We’re going to play along and act nice and be the perfect little couple in public. Cover your ears and close your eyes.”

“Uh…” My eyes narrowed slightly and he shrugged, doing as I said. I walked up, grabbed the radio, and walked into what I was hoping was the bathroom. Turns out, it was.

I turned the radio on. “Nav, anyone. Is anyone there?” After fifteen seconds of radio silence, I said, “Someone, please respond.” I waited a full minute before sighing and turning the thing off. “Fuck!” Since there wasn’t anything else I could do, I just went back out and put the radio back into one of my suit pockets, then tapped Spike on the shoulder.

“What was the point of that?”

“I’ll tell you in a few days,” I said, turning and walking to the closet where most of the fancy dresses were. I crossed my arms as I looked them over, wondering what the minimum required dress would be. “Shit, I hate dresses,” I finally sighed.

“Do… do you want any help?” Spike asked.

“If you can help me pick which one of these would be the plainest one I can get away with, I’d be grateful.”

He hopped up and walked to the closet, looking the dresses over. About two seconds later, he picked out a dark blue one that was heavily embroidered and slightly shiny from the silk. “Hm… No.” He pushed it back in and grabbed a green one. “Ah, there we go. Yeah, wear this one. Matches your eyes. Good for first impressions.” I slowly looked from the dress to him. “What? Do you know how long I helped Rarity with this stuff?”

“Oh yeah.” I shrugged and slipped the dress I was wearing off, letting it fall to the floor. Spike immediately blushed, struggling not to look down at my body. “Spike, I don’t care if you look. We’re going to be living in the same room for a little while. You’re going to see it all eventually. Especially since I don’t think there are any panties here.”

“Are… are you sure you don’t mind?”

“I’m sure. Now help me get this thing on. I have no idea how dresses work.”

He lowered it slightly for me and said, “Step into this,” while opening the top. I did so, noting how his eyes quickly traveled up my legs. The blush on his face went even deeper. When both legs were in, he slowly began pulling it up, running the soft fabric over my body and making sure nothing got caught. He lingered right before the breasts, presumably not wanting to cover them up, but finally put the covers over my shoulders. “Now turn around.”

I did as he said and he drew the back zipper up, enclosing me within the dress. It was a frumpy old thing, the kind you’d expect to see in a 19th century party. The hips were exaggerated with those strange ruffles, making me feel much fatter than I should have been. And of course, it restricted movement like crazy.

“Hey, do you think she’d mind if I wore my boots? I mean, there aren’t any other shoes here…”

“There were some in there, actually.”

“So… do you think she’d mind?” Spike’s eyes flashed blue and then red, giving me a hint.

“I dunno,” Spike answered with a shrug.

“...Let’s not risk it.” I looked in the closet and found… heels. Not very high ones, thankfully, but still fucking heels. “Oh boy. Check the drawers for socks. I’d rather go barefoot than tear up my feet with heels and no socks.” He nodded and we started looking around.

A minute later, he asked, “Hey Nav, what are these?”

I looked over to find that he was holding something I didn’t quite want to see. “Turns out they do have panties,” I said, blinking. “Put them back. I already got this dress on and I don’t feel like taking it off to put other stuff on. Just look for socks.” He shrugged and did so. Not so thankfully, I found some thigh-high stockings a few seconds later. “God fucking dammit,” I sighed, holding them up.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking over. “Oh hey, you found socks!”

“...Yeah. Now let’s see if I can get them on without taking this dress off.” I tried lifting a leg up to realize I couldn’t even see it under the dress. Then I tried kneeling down, only to realize I couldn’t get all the way down and I still couldn’t see my legs. “God dammit. Spike, help me get this off.”

“Nav, I can just help you with the socks…”

I just sighed and held them out. “Go for it. Just be careful.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, taking one and kneeling down. I lifted a foot for him and he gently took it in his claws, guiding the sock onto it. Then he realized just how long the sock was and continued pushing… and pushing… and pushing. Until finally I jumped, feeling his knuckles brushing across something they shouldn’t be touching. He fell back, his face so hot I thought it might catch fire. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Don’t,” I said, also blushing slightly. “It was an accident. Just put the other one on.”

“Are… are you sure?”

“Yes.” He sighed and took my other foot in his claw, once again very gently lifting the sock up. This time, he was more careful, and managed to not brush against my lips. When he was sure it was snug and in place, he quickly pulled away. “There, easy enough.”

“Yeah…”

I nodded and walked over to the closet, glaring at the heels. “Well, which pair should I wear?” I asked.

“Green, to match your dress,” he said. I shrugged and pulled the green pair out.

“I’ve never worn heels in my life,” I said, putting them on. “So if you think I might be tripping, make sure to catch me.”

“I’ll be sure to stand close, I guess.”

“Good. That’s where I want you anyway. I don’t trust any of these monkey bastards and that psycho bitch won’t let me use any weapons. You are a weapon, so I’ll keep you on hand.”

“Uh. Thanks, I guess?”

“I do what I can.” I finished putting the shoes on and took a deep breath before nodding and taking a slow step. It was… interesting. But I kept my balance and managed to make a circuit around the room. “Why do I have the feeling that this is just going to be miserable?”

“Hey, at least they don’t have to wear makeup.”

“Don’t tempt fate. Here, let me see my rifle.” He passed it my way. Since it had been pumped for so long, I opened the pressure valve, letting the air shoot out with a quick hiss. Then I pulled out the mag and popped the round from the chamber, making sure the damn monkeys didn’t damage it. “Far as I can tell, it’ll shoot just fine. We’ll have to make a range or something to test it later. Doesn’t need to hold pressure for that long.” I clicked the round back into the mag and reloaded it, handing it back to Spike. “Here’s hoping we won’t need it, eh?”

“Yeah.” He slung it around his shoulder. “It’s… really weird to see you in a dress, Nav.”

“It’s weird to be wearing one. Now let’s go.”

“Hold on, don’t you want to work on your posture?”

I blinked, looking down at myself. “What do you mean?” I asked, looking back up.

“Well… you walk like a guy, Nav. A soldier, at that. Your hands are to the side, clenched. Your head is jutting forward slightly, ready to turn as soon as you see a threat. Your shoulders are loose, ready to move your arms instantly. Shouldn’t a queen… and a girl be more… I don’t know, calm?”

Shit, he’s right. God, this just got harder. I thought back to Princess Celestia in her social situations, when we were surrounded by a lot of others. She was a horse, but I could use her as a basic guideline. So I slowly stood up to my full height, holding my head high with my neck straight. I lifted my shoulders, unballing my hands. And finally, I put on a thousand-yard smile, one that wouldn’t leave my face without a lot of work. “Better?” I asked in what I was hoping was a pleasant voice.

“Hm…” He walked around behind me and gently pulled at my hair. A few seconds later, the rubber band pulled out and my hair let itself go. “I can’t do too much with it, but…” I felt his scaly hands rubbing through it, using his claws as a form of hair brush to flatten it out. “You really need a shower and some proper time with a manebrush, but this should hold you until then,” he said with a nod, walking back in front of me. “At least if they force you to use makeup later, I can help with that, too. Rarity used to get me to… to model sometimes.”

“...Thank you for all of this, Spike,” I sighed, my shoulders slumping for a moment. “This is just… not how I was expecting this week to go, you know?”

“Yeah, I know that feeling. Let’s just meet it head on, alright? Together.”

“Together. Now, just one more thing,” I said as he walked back in front of me.

“What’s that?” he asked. Instead of answering by words, I motioned him forward. He stepped forward, somewhat confused. I took his claws and put them on my shoulder, then wrapped mine around his back. “...Nav?” And then I kissed him, pressing my body into his. His eyes went wide and he tried to back off, but I forced him to stay there with my hands around his back.

After a few seconds, I pulled back. “Spike, we’re pretending to be lovers. Lovers kiss. And in most places, the guy takes the active role in the kiss. So hold me tight, press my body against yours, and kiss me.” He seemed to have a small internal struggle before pulling me tight and properly kissing me, his long, forked tongue going into my mouth slightly.

Then immediately pulled away a second later. “It’s… it’s okay if I put my tongue in your mouth, right?” he asked. “Doppel liked that…”

“It’s okay, Spike. And when we’re in public, don’t ask permission. Just do it. You’re my masculine bodyguard, strong and handsome. I’d be a fool to say no, so don’t give me the option.” He blushed and looked away before darting back in to continue the kiss, his tongue entering me once more. This time, I broke the kiss off about fifteen seconds later. “Alright, that’s enough practice. I think you can manage.”

He blinked a few times, a strange smile on his face. Then he shook his head, the smile disappearing. “R-right.”

“...You can let me go, Spike.” His claws jerked away from me and he smiled sheepishly, backing off. “Let’s go, shall we?”

“Alright… my love.”

I nodded. “Then lead the way, bodyguard. Make sure there are no threats to my being in the hall.”

He blinked before walking to the door, opening it up and sticking his head out. “It’s safe,” he said, looking back. I nodded graciously and slowly stepped forward, trying not to fall on the heels in front of the two guards and the vizier.

Speaking of the vizier, he gasped when he saw how different I looked. “My queen, you’re… stunning!”

My false smile deepened. “Thank you, vizier. I’m feeling much better now that my love has been returned,” I said, tenderly placing a hand on Spike’s shoulder. “Now please, I’ve kept my subjects waiting for too long.”

“Of course, your majesty. Right this way.” He began leading the way down the hall, a smile on his face for the first time since I first stepped out of my room that morning. “After hearing about humans for so long from our goddess, it’s wonderful to finally meet one and to be ruled over by her,” he said as we walked.

“Doesn’t it seem strange to you, though?” I asked. “Waiting for so long to give rulership away to someone that knows nothing of your customs?”

“I’ll admit that it does,” he said. “But many of our customs were based around human things anyway, according to Brook. It should not take you long to adjust. And since your wisdom and knowledge is unparalleled, surely you shall lead us to greatness and triumph over the spiders!”

Until I figure out how to get rid of the water in Spike and get the fuck out of here. “I’m flattered by your confidence in me. I’ll do my best to live up to your expectations.”

“You’ll do perfectly, your majesty,” he happily said.

I certainly hope I do well enough that the elemental won’t be upset. I left that concern unsaid, of course. Making Spike panic wouldn’t help anyone, after all.

A few meetings later, I was considering letting Spike’s brain just get fried anyway. Being a queen was absolutely exhausting. Faking politeness, pretending to care, and actually doing work was hell. There were several times I actually suggested improvements to things, though, so maybe I’d be able to do some good for the monkeys before I left them up shit creek.

I also learned that we were in a tree castle, which was sort of like a treehouse, but… Well, you know where this is going. There was an entire city out in the trees, all of which was filled by monkeys. The population wasn’t overly large, just a few thousand, but it was definitely a decent sized city for something built mostly in the trees.

It was at the first social party thing that I saw the problems beginning to show up. Spike and I were meeting some nobles, both male and female. From what little I had seen, the society seemed almost strictly patriarchal, which raised some concerns in my mind. But they had been respecting me regardless, so I didn’t think I’d have many problems.

One day, I’ll learn my lesson about that pesky ‘thinking’ business.

I was greeting some of my esteemed guests, a mix of male and female, when one of the guys asked, “My queen, why does that overgrown lizard follow you so closely?”

Bait. “Spike is my bodyguard,” I neutrally said.

“Oh? Did your chief advisor not also say he was your consort?”

“Yes, he is that as well.”

“Why him, then? What does that lizard have that we lack?”

A penis larger than two inches. “I am not a lizard, monkey,” Spike answered without my prompting. “I am a dragon.”

“Oh, a dragon? Where are your wings, then? You look more like a mutant alligator.”

“They’ll grow one day!” Spike answered. “They only come when you truly need them.”

The monkey snorted. “Then I guess you haven’t needed to save our queen’s life, have you?”

I jumped back in, thinking it would be a good idea to nip this in the bud. “Or he’s so well trained that he never truly needed them.” The monkey’s eyes narrowed. “Do you doubt his prowess? Would you like to duel him, perhaps?”

And of course, there went the backpedaling. “N-no, my queen,” he hastily assured me. “I just… I’m not certain I like the idea of having him as a … as a king.”

“I am the ruler here,” I said. “Should Spike and I marry, he would be king-consort, not king. And of course, we are together out of love, not out of politics. Surely you don’t think anything bad could come from love?”

He looked away, hopefully rethinking any ideas of breaking us apart. However, I didn’t think of one possible outcome of that statement. “How did you two become an item?” one of the chicks asked.

Oh, fuck me. I took one of Spike’s claws in mine and smiled sweetly at him, trying to give myself time to think of a lie. He nervously smiled back. By that time, I already had a good one ready, so I looked back at the monkey. “Spike has been my guard for a few years now. After two years of faithful service, he saved my life against one that sought to kill me. I asked of any reward he might want for saving me, anything I could possibly grant… He begged of me a single kiss, a kiss that changed both our lives for the better. We’ve been together ever since.”

All of the monkey ladies were smiling at the adorableness of the story, while all the men were smiling at Spike’s audacity. And of course, Spike decided—correctly, probably—that it would be a perfect time to kiss me. So he pulled me in close and gently pressed his scaly face against mine, doing just as I had trained him to do. So my smooth, lithe body ended up pressed against his strong, masculine one in a display that made many of the monkeys say their ‘awwws’ and their ‘oohs’. As an added measure that I’m sure many of them found even better, I wrapped my wings around him.

Thankfully, the sappy moment didn’t take long to get over. And even more thankfully, we didn’t run into any more overt problems. Well, aside from the general awkwardness that was dinner, but it was just us feeding each other again, with a lot more cutesy and annoying lovey-dovey stuff tossed in.

“That wasn’t… too bad,” Spike said when we were alone in my room.

“Not too bad my ass,” I groaned, kicking my heels off and across the fucking room. “Sure, we acted well, but fuck those heels. God, my feet are killing me. Unzip me, will you?” He jumped to obey, pulling the zipper off the dress. I just pulled it down straight away, not bothering to catch it or fold it up. “At least that dress is slightly comfortable, once you realize the range of motion you have in it, but God, my feet…” I walked over to the bed, limping slightly, and just fell into it.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded just falling asleep, but it seemed that Spike had other plans. I felt him gently tugging one of the socks off, but I didn’t bother looking back. Then he began massaging the aching foot, gently kneading the sensitive flesh. It quickly made me very relaxed, my wings slumping down and my body stretching out to take up more of the large bed.

“Feels so good,” I whispered as he started taking my other sock off to treat that foot as well.

“I knew this massage stuff would be useful eventually,” he said. “Would you believe you’re probably the only pon—er, person I got to ever use it on?”

“Not gonna hear me complain,” I sighed as he started working on my other foot. It felt like I melted into the bed as he worked on the abused instruments.

After a few minutes, he deemed them done. “Want me to work on the rest of you?” he asked. “I know this is pretty stressful for you…”

“If you wouldn’t mind… It’s not like we have anything else to do.”

“This’ll be my first time with a human,” he warned. “So let me know what you think.” That said, he hopped onto the bed and straddled me before starting to slowly massage my back, working his way down. I grew more and more relaxed as he went on… And then kept going past the back, massaging a place I probably should have told him not to be massaging. But he didn’t seem to mind massaging my butt and honestly, it felt really good, so I just let him. Well, until… “Nav, why do you smell sweet again?” he asked as he started working on my thighs.

That woke me from my reverie and I almost immediately realized how turned on and wet I was. My wings shot straight up and I tried pushing away, but he held me in place. “I… I think I need a shower!” I tried getting up, but once again, he held me in place.

“Not until you explain why you smell like that,” he said. “Really, what is it?”

I sighed and tried to think of how to explain it best. “Alright, female humans have… different triggers than guys. Different things that turn them on, you could say. I didn’t realize that massages might be one of those triggers for some. And…” I opened my legs slightly, letting him get a hint at how… aroused I had become.

“Did… did I do that?” Spike asked, honestly seeming surprised.

“I’m sorry, Spike. I didn’t realize it would happen. Now, I think I’m just gonna go take a shower.” He didn’t make any attempts to stop me as I left that time, though my body definitely didn’t want to leave him. It ached for any kind of touch, especially a touch on or in my aching loins. God, fuck this girly body. And fuck my girly mind for craving a dick. Where’s Flo or Kumani when I need them?

Thankfully, the showerhead was detachable, so I was able to take care of my… urges in there. When I got out, Spike was cleaning the weapons we had between us. The silence felt really awkward, but I didn’t know how to break it. Instead, I walked over to the drawers and started looking for something to sleep in.

After I opened them all, I sighed. “God, I don’t know which of these things are supposed to be for night and which are for day…”

“Don’t you usually sleep naked anyway?” Spike asked.

“Yeah. But do you really want to sleep in the same bed while I’m naked?”

“Uh… Well I mean, haven’t we… done it before? I mean, a few weeks ago, on the ship, I slept in your room…”

“I was a guy, then. Look, I’ll just wear some panties or something. Less constricting than a dress anyway…” I walked over to the drawer with them and sighed as I opened it. There were a variety of colors and styles, each presumably for a different situation. My eyes opened wide as I found one that was definitely not for innocent sleeping, and I quickly pushed that one back.

In the end, I grabbed a simple white pair that fit me snuggly, hiding all the holes I didn’t really want to risk much happening to while we were sleeping. I didn’t bother with a bra, because I always heard girls complaining about how uncomfortable they were. And since I had a feeling my feet might get cold, I went ahead and found another pair of thigh-highs, pulling them up.

“There. Now at least we can retain some modicum of modesty,” I said, turning back to find him staring at me. “...What?”

He quickly shook himself. “N-nothing,” he said, going back to the weapons. “So when are we going to sleep?”

“Right now, for me. You can go to bed whenever you want. Just keep one weapon by the bed whenever you finish.”

“Alright, Nav,” he said, sheathing all of them and standing up to move them aside. He left Excalibur next to the bed and got in as I was getting under the covers.

Much to my surprise, he grabbed my body and pulled me over to him, holding me against him. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“We’re lovers, Nav,” he said. “Won’t they… I don’t know, get suspicious if they open the door and we’re on opposites sides of the bed?”

“...Good thinking. Just be careful with how tight you hold me. I have problems sleeping with Kumani because she can grip me so tight it’s hard to breathe at night.”

“I’ll try to be careful,” he said, wrapping his warm arms around me. “Just as long as you watch your wings.”

“Right.”

Soon enough, we were both reasonably settled. “Good night, Nav,” Spike sighed, his hot breath a caress against my neck.

“Sleep… sleep well,” I answered, suddenly somewhat uncomfortable, dreading what I might learn in the morning about dragon anatomy concerning morning wood. Thankfully, if he did have it, I wouldn’t be as surprised as when Smiles did.

The next morning was saved from being too awkward by three female monkeys letting themselves in without warning and presumably standing there until I woke up. Yes, Spike’s spiky erection was poking into my back, but I didn’t have time to worry about that because I was too worried about the three little monkeys that noticed me waking up.

“Your highness, we are here to serve you however you need,” one of them said as they all three bowed low.

I sat up quickly, pulling away from Spike’s grasp. He let out a cute little grunt when my warm body moved away from his, but didn’t wake up. “Who are you three?” I asked.

“We’re your handmaidens,” the one that spoke before said. “We did not know when you would be waking up, so we were not here to attend to you yesterday. So today, we are here, and will assist you with whatever you need.”

Before I could tell them to fuck off, Spike made some noise in his sleep and I realized I could use them as some form of buffer from awkwardness. After all, he wouldn’t have to keep touching me or things like that if I had the servants to help me instead.

“...Alright,” I cautiously said, pushing the blanket away and standing up. At least two of them looked at Spike’s form and lightly gasped then tittered when they saw his pride standing at attention, but silenced themselves when I pulled the blanket back up around him.

“Do… do you kiss and tell, my queen?” one of the ladies asked.

“I might,” I replied, trying to keep my voice even.

“How… how big is it?” she asked.

“Easily nine inches. And he uses every inch of it masterfully.” They all giggled again and I knew Spike would probably be getting a number of looks from all the girls in the castle soon, even though he was way too big for any of them. “So what’s first?” I asked, stretching. “I’m not used to… to being a queen.”

“First, we help you bathe,” one of them said.

“I took a shower last night,” I answered without thinking.

“That was before your night with your masterful lover,” one of them said. “We shall clean you right back up!”

“...Very well. Though will it really take all three of you to clean me?”

“Of course not, your highness,” one said. “One of us will be playing you the song of our people.”

Oh God, how horrifying. “Alrighty then. Let’s get started, I guess.”

Thankfully, the ‘song of their people’ was a gentle melody played on some nice stringed instrument reminiscent of a harp. And the two monkeys that washed me did a very professional job, with one taking extra care with my hair and the other taking most of my body. Still, with the way they fussed and made sure their work was perfect, it took them nearly half an hour to finish. I was very relieved to have them gently patting me down with towels to dry me off, though I’d prefer to do that myself.

Soon, I was dry and back in my room, with Spike still asleep. “You must have really worn him out, your highness,” one of the maids said, giggling coquettishly.

“Dragons do sleep a lot,” I said. Since I wanted his lazy ass up, though, I grabbed a hair brush from the shelf and chucked it at him. “Spike, get up!”

It bounced right off his scales, of course, but he shot up, looking left and right. “Waz wrong?” he sleepily asked when he finally saw me. “Uh. What do you need, Nav?”

“Stop being lazy and go take a shower,” I said.

“Uh…” He finally saw the three monkeys and his head spines flinched. “Who are they?” he asked.

“My handmaidens,” I answered. “Now, take a shower. And brush your teeth, if possible. I would kiss you good morning, but I don’t want your morning breath in my mouth.”

“Um. Okay… dear?” I nodded in approval as he pushed the blanket off, his dragonhood thankfully sheathed once more. Without waiting for any instruction, he entered the bathroom, pulling the door closed.

“Seems everywhere you look, males are the same,” one of the monkeys sighed. “Can’t live with ‘em…”

“But good luck living without them,” one of the others said with a smile. “Now let’s get you dressed, your majesty.”

“Alright. I don’t suppose one of you happens to know my schedule?”

“You’ll be meeting with more nobles today,” one of them said. “So you need to look your best!”

Dammit. “I’m not really… good with dressing fancily. What would you suggest?”

I instantly regretted my decision when two of them looked at each other with large grins and the other just stared at me with a look of pure joy. “Don’t you worry, your grace! We won’t let you down!” God help me.

First, they started with an extremely frilly pair of knickers, pulling them up my legs without letting me help at all. And despite my protests, they hooked a matching bra behind my back, the thing easily inflating my bust size by a full letter just by all the fluffy shit on it. Next went on the hose, stretched up each leg with a tender delicacy and held in place by a garter, with a strap going from the garter to the panties.

If they had their way, they would have put a corset around me. But I threatened to throw them in the dungeon if they got it anywhere near me, so they abstained.

In revenge, though, they picked out a pink dress for me. Thank God, it didn’t have any frills, but it did have one of those waist expander things. In the center of my chest, they placed some kind of blue stone to draw attention down there. “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” one of them sighed as they sat me down to begin playing with my long white hair.

“...Thank you,” I answered. One retrieved the brush I threw at Spike and began running it through my hair, counting quietly.

“Make sure you put in a full hundred strokes, now,” one of the other maids said as she started lacquering my fingernails.

“I know, I know. Such long hair… How many years has it been since you cut it, majesty?”

“Several,” I answered, my voice muffled by the monkey in front of my face applying makeup.

“Look up, please,” the monkey said. I tilted my head up, but she grabbed it and pulled it back down. “No, look up. Just your eyes.” I did so and she started applying something to me.

“And how long has it been since you put on makeup like this?” one asked.

“Never.” They all gasped, moving to a place where I could see the surprise on their faces. “I’ve uh… never had anything like this before.”

They all started smiling again. “It’s okay, your majesty,” one said. “Now you do, and you never have to go without again. Trust me, you won’t even recognize yourself when we’re through with you!”

I wish I could take that out of context and just let them beat me so hard they rearrange my face, instead. It would make me feel better. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option. They continued applying things for another fifteen minutes until they finally all pulled back, smiling their annoying little monkey hearts out. I think one of them was on the edge of tears.

When I looked in the mirror, I almost understood why. One of my hands reached unbidden to my reflection, my eyes open wide. “Holy…” I was… I don’t know if I’d say beautiful, but I had the kind of looks that would definitely turn heads back home.

“Do you like it?” one of them asked.

“I love it,” I said, turning to them and smiling. It was mostly a lie, but I wanted to keep the people taking care of me happy. That got them all to burst into happy tears and hug each other. And then since I knew I had no choice, I knelt down and picked them up in a bundle, hugging them all.

About five minutes later, Spike walked out of the shower to hear the three ladies gossiping to me about events in the court and things to look out for. When he saw how different I looked, he stopped dead in his tracks. “Whoa.”

I grinned and stood. “What do you think?” I asked, doing a little spin for him.

“You’re… beautiful,” he said, nearly speechless.

“And I have these three lovely ladies to thank for it,” I said, smiling down at them. They each blushed and said some inane comments. “And as fun as it’s been, would you mind leaving me and my lover alone for a few minutes? I would like to spend some time with him before we start the day.”

“Of course, your majesty,” one said as they all jumped up and bowed. “We will be in the hall waiting, if you need anything.”

“Thank you. All of you,” I said, nodding. They all scampered out, in really good moods. As soon as the door closed behind them, my smile dropped. “This week just got even worse,” I sighed, falling to the bed.

“Nav, what… what did they do?”

“Put makeup on me, spent a lot of time on my hair and on cleaning me, and dressed me. Now close your eyes and cover your ears again.” He shrugged and did so, sitting on the bed.

I walked over to where I had left my armor and pulled the radio out once again, walking to the bathroom. When I flicked it on, I was greeted with silence. “Nav to anyone listening. Is anyone on the channel?” No response. I waited a minute before sighing and shutting it back off, then went back out. I slid the radio into the armor and walked back over to Spike, putting a hand on his shoulder. He looked up, removing his claws. “Get ready. We have another day ahead of us.”

“Alright, Nav. Oh, and… you weren’t mad about that kiss yesterday at the party, were you? I was hoping you wouldn’t be…”

“It was perfect timing,” I said. “Keep that up and we might just make it through this.”

“I’ll try,” he said, smiling.

And so two days went by. Spike and I would put on our show, pretending to be the perfect loving couple. I dealt easily with the monkeys, for their court was a simple thing, not one full of intrigue. Or at least, the intrigue they did have was comical at best and easily waylaid and turned on its head. I made a few vital improvements on certain areas of their society, enough that the damn water elemental couldn’t call me out.

Of course, absolutely nothing good lasts… Well, this wasn’t a good situation, but it was a tolerable situation. So I suppose absolutely nothing tolerable at best lasts forever. I was on my fancy throne listening to some commoner when one of my soldiers burst in the throne room. “Your majesty, a force of spiders is approaching!”

I was instantly on my feet, plans already ticking in my head. “How many? What direction? How far away?”

“At least fifty, approaching from the west. They should be here in ten minutes!”

Shit, I knew I should have met with my officers sooner! “Muster the guard! Get all the civilians inside and have them bar the doors. Spike, get ready.”

The soldier saluted and started running, as did one of the other guards from my throne room. “What do you mean, Nav?” Spike asked. “We need to get you to a safe room!”

“Like hell. Those soldiers need to see me, Spike. It’ll give ‘em confidence, something to fight for. And it’s not like I have anything to worry about. You’ll be right there next to me, right?”

“...Right. I’ll protect you!”

“Damn right you will. Now let’s go. We’ll need to hurry if we want to go with them to the staging area.” We both started hurrying off. I want to say I was running, but that was extremely hard to do in heels. And also in tight, frilly panties, a long dress that dragged at your feet, and hose. Eventually I just pulled the dress up slightly so I could move faster. “Man, fuck dresses,” I said when there weren’t many monkeys running around us.

“I know, right? I don’t know how Rarity can stand them.”

I was tempted to remind him that he modeled for her a number of times, but I think he was still sore about it, so I didn’t. Thankfully, we got to the battlements where we expected the spiders to show up quickly enough. Although ‘battlements’ wasn’t the right word, since it wasn’t a wall. But it was a form of defensive position up in the trees where the monkeys could shoot their darts and try to hold off the spiders.

Honestly, I don’t know how they could even fight back against the things. Most of their weapons were made of stone and they were so small compared to the spiders. I was definitely looking forward to seeing how they did it.

Much to my surprise, the vizier was also up at the front. “What are you doing here, your majesty? It’s not safe!” he practically yelled.

“I have the utmost confidence that you all will protect me,” I said. “I am here to see how you fight.” After all, if I’m to have any chance of escaping, I’ll have to know how to beat you. “And to give our troops something to fight for, of course.”

“...Yes, your highness. Just please, for your sake, stay behind the troops and near me, if you could.”

“No offense, but I didn’t think you were a soldier.”

“I’m not,” he said, holding out one of his hands. “I am a magus.” With that, his furry little hand erupted in a ball of green flame. “We are the main line of defense against the spiders, with our more mundane troops doing little more than harrying them and keeping them grouped together.”

“Ah, that makes sense. Show me how you work, then. Spike shall keep me safe.”

The vizier nodded, a relieved smile on his face, then turned back to face the spiders that we could just now see climbing through the trees, shooting web as they came. That explains where all the web came from. One of Spike’s claws came to my shoulder and pulled me away from the edge, making sure the soldiers were in front of us.

When I figured we were far enough away, I shrugged him off and stood, watching. “Spike, you can see the enemy,” I said. “Why aren’t you shooting?”

“Huh? Oh yeah!” He pulled the rifle up and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.

No time for this. Fuck you, elemental. “Dammit, Spike.” I yanked the rifle out of his hands. “Watch my back.” After checking to make sure there was one up the spout, I pumped it twice and aimed, taking a quick shot and slamming a spike into one of the spiders. It dropped to the forest floor. Seven more quickly joined it, with two misses. I ejected the spent mag and was reaching for another when I realized they were way too close.

So instead I racked the slide, making it slam shut, and set it to shotgun mode. Come at me, motherfuckers. I’m sick and tired of this queen bullshit and I’m looking to take my anger out on something. Just try me!

Try me they did, that’s for sure. But the vizier was apparently a better mage than I gave him credit for, scattering many of the spiders and turning others into ash. Spike plied his pretend trade well, making sure none of the spiders got near me with a mix of dragon fire and his sword. I didn’t have to use the shotgun at all. Things were going great, it seemed.

Well, up until the survivors all shot a line of web at the battlements. Most of them immediately retreated, but an adventuresome group took careful aim with their webbing and shot directly at me, slamming their hot, sticky white stuff right on my chest and yanking me off my feet. I dropped the rifle in surprise as they pulled me from my troops. I thought I heard Spike yelling something behind me, but I was a little too busy at the time to pay attention to him.

The spiders dragged my struggling form up and quickly rolled me over, binding my wrists and my wings behind my back. “No time to bind the rest,” one hissed. “Just bite her and let’s go!” I felt two white-hot lances of pain ripping into my side, my back arching as I tried very unsuccessfully to pull away.

Then the pain withdrew and they started pulling back into the forest, cutting their losses and just fleeing. Of course, I struggled as best I could, but they had both of my arms bound tightly and I was stuck onto one of their backs.

Oh Jesus, they’re going to enslave me and rape me! God, why couldn’t they just kill me!? Not like this! Taya, Twilight, Celestia… even Luna! Someone teleport me!

My silent entreaties went unheard by all… except, perhaps, some strange twist of fate or some higher power that was still smiling upon me. The very last sight I expected to see came hurtling toward me at a speed that might well rival Rainbow Dash: Spike, wreathed in a purple flame, two leathery wings jutting out from his back. And by God, he looked pissed!

The dragon slammed into the spider carrying me, using his claws to tear the spider’s entire head messily off. The flames around Spike died off and he grabbed me as the spider started to fall from the trees. One of the other spiders tried attacking us, but Spike grabbed it by one of its legs and slammed the fucker into a tree, crushing half of its body. When Spike let the leg go, he shot up, getting out of the trees so no more could attack us. Finally, we were clear, and he began angling back toward the tree city.

“I told you that I’d protect you,” he said with a grin as we flew.

“You… you definitely did that,” I said, surprised out of my mind. I was still reeling from being so suddenly kidnapped, extremely panicked, and then saved.

“You alright?” he asked when he landed, setting me down and using a claw to cut the bindings on my wrist. I tried standing up to my full height to thank him, but flinched, clutching at my side. When he saw my hand come away with my signature amber blood, he gasped. “You’re hurt!”

That took the mood on the fighting deck from victorious to worried almost instantly. Monkeys crowded around me, trying to see how they could help their precious queen. The vizier instantly appeared on Spike’s head. “Stand aside, all of you!” he called. They backed away hesitantly. “We must take her to our medics. Dragon, carry her. Someone else, grab his weapons.”

I zoned out a little as Spike gently picked me up to carry me as I had done so many times for him. “Where to?” he asked, lifting his wings.

“Into the air,” the head monkey said. “I will guide your wings.” Spike nodded and took off, the vizier presumably holding onto some of the spines on Spike’s head.

“We’re gonna get you help, Nav,” Spike whispered, not looking down as he flew. “You’re gonna be just fine…”

I didn’t reply, because I could feel the poison kicking in. The pain around where I had been bitten was flaring like crazy, burning me. My entire body felt oddly sensitive, the caresses of wind across my body coming across as sensual touches. The feel of the panties hugging my most precious of locations was enough to make me nearly pant in pleasure. The other clothing I was wearing didn’t help either, each article finding some way to drive me crazy.

The poison hit me deeper and deeper as we flew. The pain I was feeling increased immeasurably, but so did the pleasure, to the point where any movement was like nearly orgasmic and yet blindingly painful at the same time. There was no way I could possibly pay attention to anything like that.

And yet, one thought wracked my mind: I need release. Something, anything, inside of me. Holy sweet hell, this is torture!

I don’t know how long it took until sweet unconsciousness took me. But when it did, I saw the most beautiful thing I had seen in a very long time: Flo’s watery form in the middle of her glade. My feet moved me forward, though it felt like I could barely control the actions. Truly, the place felt like a dream, more so than ever before.

And Flo didn’t seem as concrete, either. More transparent than usual, I mean. The entire place didn’t feel stable at all. “It’s not,” Flo said, her voice weary and weak. “Brook took much out of me. I’m still recovering. I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am, Nav. You’ve handled yourself well this week.”

“I… I try,” I said. “When will you be back at full capacity?”

“Soon. Eat more, if you can. That’ll help. The second reason I brought you here is so you can go into the dream world and tell the others where you are and what’s going on. I don’t know why they haven’t gotten here yet, but there has to be a reason. Find Watcher’s dream and talk to him.”

“Alright, I can do that,” I said. “And man oh man, have I ever told you how great it feels to have a penis?”

“Multiple times. Usually right after you had sex. Now go. It’s hard to hold this dreamspace up.”

“You got it.” I easily escaped the dream, then looked around for Watcher’s. Whatever time it was when I finally passed out, it was obviously night now. I saw a cluster of dreams over in one direction, while the rest of the area around me was almost completely empty. I drifted that way and looked around. Taya was having one hell of a nightmare, so I decided to head to her dream after Watcher’s.

I could see Twilight’s dream, but it was so dark that I couldn’t tell what color it was aside from not black. If I had to guess, I’d say she was still under the influence of whatever drug the monkeys hit us with, as well as having her dreams protected by Aqua. Applejack, Dash, three of the soldiers, and Zecora were the same, so I figured that was definitely it.

When I got done looking around, I found Watcher’s dream. It was a simple one, just white. I peeled back the smoke and looked in, seeing him leading some troops. Since it didn’t look important or dangerous, I just pushed my way in, appearing in front of him. “Watcher, we need to talk.”

He blinked a few times before realization hit him. “You’re alive!” The soldiers behind him disappeared and he seemed to age thirty years in front of me, becoming the curmudgeonly Watcher we all tolerated and dealt with.

“Indeed I am. Alive and hella pissed. Spike and I got kidnapped by a bunch of fuckin’ monkeys led by the elemental, who turned out to be a psychopathic bitch. Long story short, they turned me into a queen and the elemental pushed into Spike’s head and is threatening to kill him if I don’t cooperate. Find a way to get that damn poison out of Twilight so Aqua can lead you here. And ask her how I can exorcise an elemental.”

“Uh. Yes sir. How long should the poison last?”

“The monkeys told me it normally lasts a week. I think they hit us with a lot of it, though. I did look at a map, so I can probably get you close to us. Maybe the monkeys have an antidote they can use on them.”

“Well, show me where you are, then. I’ll try to make some plans and talk with the others. We can start heading your way, at least. And I believe Aqua is active in Twilight.”

“Put my laptop next to her and tell her to get her ass inside. She can talk through it.”

“...That’s a good idea, actually. Alright, just show us where you are and we’ll be on our way.”

I pulled out a world map and put an X over our location. “We’re right around here or so. Shouldn’t miss it, since it’s a fairly large city in the trees. Be very careful, because these monkey bastards have magic. I’ll tell them to expect you, but they’ll be wary anyway. Just turn on your damn radio or something when you get close so I can guide you in.”

“You got it.”

“Oh, and keep the spiders out of sight when you get here. Monkeys hate them and it seems the feeling is mutual, given that I nearly got captured by them in a raid today.”

“Yes sir.”

“And remember to can that sir shit when you get there. The monkeys are very defensive about their queen. I’ll be very happy to get the fuck away from them.”

“Any other orders?”

“Nah, not that I can think of.”

He nodded. “Then I’ll be sure to…” He looked down at me, confused. “Sir?”

I looked down as well, and realized that I was going transparent. Before I could say anything else, I was ripped awake.

“...And there’s the antivenom,” a monkey medic said, a smile evident in his voice. “Good to have you back with us, your majesty.”

“Good to be back,” I said, trying to sit up.

Spike stopped me, putting a claw on my shoulder. “Relax, Nav. You don’t want to aggravate those bites.”

“Spike, I’ve been professionally tortured. I can handle this just fine.”

“You weren’t my patient, then,” the medic said. “Now, you need to be careful and stay in bed for at least twenty-four hours, until those bites have time to close properly.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Fine.” The medic nodded and back away, letting me see the vizier. “What were our losses?”

“Negligible, your highness. It seemed having you there truly did inspire them! And of course, Spike did his fair share of the work. You chose your lover well, your highness. His battle prowess and loyalty are unmatched!”

I smiled and gently took one of Spike’s claws in my hand. “Indeed I did, vizier. But now that I’ve had time to wake up, I find that I’m rather weary. Is there anything important I need to know?”

“No, your majesty,” he said, shaking his head. “I will take care of everything and allow you to rest. Would you like your handmaidens here, or would you like to be alone with your consort?”

“Spike will take care of me,” I said with a nod. “Thank you, all of you. Be sure to tell the people that I will make a full recovery.”

“Of course, your highness,” he said. “Come, let us leave the queen to rest.” All the monkeys bowed and quietly left, trying not to make too much undue noise.

As soon as the last one was out, I tossed Spike’s claw aside and started to stand. Strangely, though, he jumped up and pushed me back down, which is when I realized that he was now about six inches taller than he had been, putting him eye-to-eye with me. “No, Nav. You really did get hurt. You need to rest.”

“Come on, Spike. Don’t do this to me, man.”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Nav. I almost lost you out there and I’m not going to lose you in here. Whatever you need, I can get for you.”

I sighed and stopped fighting against him. “Fine. Bring me my armor.”

He blinked a few times before shrugging and doing so. I held it between me and him and pulled out the radio, turning it on and sliding it under the blankets so Brook couldn’t see it through his eyes.

Then I handed the armor back. “Thank you.”

“Nav, what is your obsession with this armor?” he asked as he walked back over to put it away.

“Don’t worry about it. How are you feeling, though?” I asked. “Those wings treating you well?”

“Nav, they’re awesome. I mean, folding them’s kinda weird and they get in the way sometimes, but I can fly now! You don’t have to carry me anymore! And hey, I can even carry you now, if you want me to.” I furrowed my brow in confusion, wondering why I’d ever want that. “...You know, in case you want me to pay you back?” He seemed kinda unsure of himself, but I didn’t care.

“Whatever. They didn’t hurt when they came out?”

“Nope. Felt like something ripped back there, but it didn’t hurt at all. And man, the fire was insane! Covered my entire body, inside and out. For some reason, I thought I heard a scream of pain when it just happened, but none of the monkeys were burned and it cut off right after, so it’s not like—”

“Scream of pain?” I broke in. “Was it feminine?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t you, was it? I mean, it sounded like it was right in my head!” Holy fuck, he vaporized Brook! “What’s wrong?” I can’t take the chance, though. Not without being sure.

“Nothing. It wasn’t me. Keep going. How’d you like flying?”

“It was amazing! And it felt even better to give those spiders what-for! I won’t let anything hurt my friends! Especially you, Nav.”

“That’s really good to hear,” I said, nodding. “So how strong are they?”

“I dunno. The only things they’ve lifted so far have been me and you. I’m sure the naga’s gonna be happy to find out, though.”

“Yeah. Hey, you hungry?”

“Now that you mention it… Yeah, I am. Think we can get some food here?”

“Spike, I’m a fucking queen. Step outside and politely ask one of the handmaidens listening at the door to bring us both something filling.”

“You got it,” he said with a nod, hopping up and walking over. As he walked, I just relaxed into the bed, feeling… better. Brook was gone, Spike had his wings, I had contact with my crew, and Flo was building up her strength again.

It was only a matter of time before Spike and I were free again and the quest could continue. I couldn’t wait.

Chapter One Hundred and Five—Back in business

Chapter One Hundred and Five—Back in business

That morning, I was still in pretty good spirits. Things were looking up and it was nice.

“Hey Nav, I’ve been thinking,” Spike said. That’s new.

“What about?” I asked, idly flapping my wings. I was on my stomach and they hadn’t gotten much exercise lately, so I felt it would be good to move them some.

“Why don’t we just stay here?”

“What do you mean? Why would we do that?”

“Well, these monkeys are really nice. They obviously care about you and they seem to like me, too. I mean, pretending to be lovers is… weird, I guess, but I don’t really mind. Staying on the ship is dangerous. But staying here would be fairly safe and fun and the life is easy. So why don’t we just do that?”

I sighed and turned on my back so I could look at him. “Spike, I have responsibilities. First, to Taya. She could stay here with us, but she would hate the life of a princess. Second, to my crew. I refuse to abandon them like that, not if they need me. Third, to the elementals. The quest is started now that we’ve freed Aqua, but they still need someone to help free the others. Twilight could do it, but it’s not fair to ask that of her. Fourth, to myself. This life would drive me mad. I can’t do anything because all the monkeys suddenly jump up to try to help me. I can’t touch a sword because that elemental is crazy. And I’m tired of not having anything to have sex with.”

“...Well, we could… do that. I mean, if we’re pretending to be lovers anyway, what’s one more step?”

Honestly, I was really tempted, but I shook my head. “If Kumani found out, bad things would happen. And you know how upset these monkeys would be when they find out they’re being tricked, so Kumani can’t stay here. Hell, you can’t stay here, not for long. Spike, you’re going to grow huge. These monkeys can’t find you enough food. And once you get big enough, I can’t pretend that we’re fucking anymore because one look at you would tell everyone that you’d split me in half. Staying just can’t happen.”

He sighed and nodded. “Well, when do you think the ship is gonna get here? I know I want to see Doppel again…”

“I’d say either today or tomorrow,” I answered. “I got in contact with Watcher last night in the dream world.”

His eyes opened wide, confused. “Why didn’t you do that sooner?”

“I didn’t have the chance. Normally, Flo helps me with my dreams. But Brook beat the shit out of Flo, so she wasn’t able to help me. But Flo’s finally getting better, so I was able to contact him. They should be getting here shortly.”

“That’s great news! But uh… are you sure you’re really in any condition to be moved?”

“Taya can fix me right up, Spike. And honestly, the holes are already closed and I’m probably mostly healed by now. You and those damn monkeys forgot who you’re dealing with. I’ll stay down now to humor you, but if the ship shows up, you won’t stop me from leaving this room.”

He smirked. “Is that a challenge? With those girly muscles, I bet you couldn’t even stop me.”

“You might be stronger than me, but don’t think I wouldn’t still kick your ass, girl or not. I can even prove that later, when we’re back on the ship.”

“We’ll see,” he just said, still smiling.

Before I could rebuke him, there was a gentle knock on the door. I waved him over and he opened it, letting in my three silly handmaidens, carrying in platters of light foods. My empty queen smile instantly appeared on my face as they walked over to the bed. “We brought you breakfast, your highness,” one of them said, placing a breakfast tray on the bed.

“Thank you, girls,” I said. “It looks wonderful.” And I bet the fruit is good for Flo, too. “Tell me, did anything happen overnight that needs my attention?”

“No, your majesty. Brook seemed upset about something, but that is for the priests to help with, not you.”

“Yes, of course.” Excellent. Spike really did fuck her sideways. “Once again, thank you. Spike is fully capable of helping me eat, so you needn’t stay. I know you want to get back to court life.” If they’re not here, I can eat myself.

“Oh no, your grace,” one of them said. “We made sure to get all the gossip we could before we came, so we can fill you in!”

I looked imploringly at Spike, silently begging him to help me out. He smiled and said, “I’m sure they won’t disrupt you, dear. I can feed you while they talk!” God fucking dammit.

“What a good idea,” I lied, trying to sound like I wasn’t getting strangled. One of the monkey ladies clapped in joy while the other two placed the platters of food on the stand. Spike stepped up and sat next to me. Then I saw a dark little smile on his face and he very gently lifted me up, sliding under me. I felt my wings twitching like crazy as he placed me on his lap.

“Comfortable, dear?” he asked, his tongue tickling my ear.

“V-very,” I unsteadily answered, wondering just what the fuck he was doing.

“I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of your ladies while feeding you, after all,” he said, grabbing one of the fruit slices and holding it up for me. When I opened my mouth, he popped it in. “I don’t think they mind. Do you, ladies?”

“Not at all, Lord Spike,” one of them said while the other two tittered, happy to see us doing something so adorable. In response, he just popped another slice in my mouth. “Oh, your highness, just wait until you hear what the lady of Banana Hall has been up to!” I did my best to keep a fake smile on my face as they talked and talked about shit that I didn’t give a fuck about. All while Spike was feeding me and holding onto me from behind, of course.

Oh, I’ll make you pay for this, you little bastard. After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? For better or worse, he had no idea of the plans I was making for him. He definitely seemed rather content, though, occasionally even talking with the girls as they gossiped. I had no idea how he could possibly enjoy it until I realized what his life had been like before I stole him away from Twilight.

“You seem quiet, your majesty,” one of the ladies finally said, noticing that I hadn’t been saying as much as I usually did. “Is something the matter?”

“Oh, no. I was just thinking about that nasty business yesterday.”

“The spiders?” one asked. “Truly awful beings, your majesty. It’s a shame you had to see them. It had been a while since they attacked and many were hoping we had seen the end of them. It appears not. But with you there to inspire our troops and Lord Spike’s legendary aim and prowess, they didn’t hurt any of us!”

“...Spike’s legendary aim?” I asked.

“Of course, your majesty! You didn’t see? Soldiers say that ten or eleven of the beasts died before even getting to the position. When they looked over, they saw that Spike handed you his ranged weapon so that he could fight honorably. Oh, they say he made such a cutting figure… If only I could find someone so brave and heroic.”

“He’s definitely… something,” I said, elbowing him surreptitiously. He very wisely stayed quiet.

When he was finished feeding me, I was hoping the girls would get the fuck out. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be so lucky. They happily cleared the shit away from the bed, getting it all packed away at the door. Then they rounded on me, smiles back on their faces. “Now, are you ready for your bath, your highness?”

“Uh… Are you sure it would be a good idea, with my injuries?” I asked. “I really don’t want to risk getting the bindings wet.”

“We’ll be perfectly careful,” one said. “And with Spike there to hold you above the water, you don’t have to worry about the stitches getting soggy!”

I think the smile on my face took on a nervous quality. “I don’t want to burden him,” I said, laying a hand on one of his arms over my stomach, holding me against him. “And I’m sure he’s still weary from yesterday’s fight. Besides, I’m not planning on leaving my room. The doctor said I can’t even get up for another several hours!”

“I can carry you,” Spike said, one of his arms moving to my back and the other tracing my body down to my legs. Before I could tell him not to, he very gently picked me up, then stood, holding me against his chest. “Comfortable, dear?”

I’m going to do horrible things to you. “In your arms, always,” I sweetly answered.

The three ladies all “Awww”ed at our little display, though it just seemed sickening to me. Of all the places to get trapped, it had to be with these things. Christ.

“Just take her into the washroom, now,” one of them said, jumping to open the door for him. Spike carried me in easily enough, then just stood there as they quickly drew a bath. Soon, the water was steamy and ready for my ‘delicate’ body to enter.

After getting undressed, of course. I wasn’t wearing a top that whole time, so it wasn’t overly difficult to just remove the panties and the socks. And so it was that Spike carried my naked and placid form into the bath, making sure none of the water hit my injured side. The little monkeys happily washed me, making sure to be even more gentle than usual. I could barely feel their paper-light touches as they washed my body from head to toe.

It wasn’t until they backed away from me in the tub that I realized they didn’t touch my wings, the things they were usually so careful with… and that I hadn’t told them they got me off. Yeah, I’d been letting them molest me every day. It was a lot of fun.

Anyway, they backed away, smiling sweetly. “Lord Spike, would you care to show us how to properly wash wings? We try with our beautiful queen, but we have no one else to practice on… We would be so grateful if you’d show us!”

“Girls, you do a wonderful job!” I hastily said, hoping to get Spike to catch the hint. “And besides, I can wash them myself later. They aren’t even dirty, so—” I suddenly gasped, feeling one of Spike’s claws running down one of my wings. “S-Spike!” I tried to put a warning tone in there, I really did, but he just grinned.

“Don’t worry about it, Nav,” he said. “The shampoo, ladies?”

One of them passed him the bottle, saying, “It’s so nice to see you willing to help her like this. You’re such a perfect couple!”

Neither of us answered as he braced my body against his, then used one claw to pour shampoo on the other. He set the bottle aside and rubbed them both together, sharing the lather.

I don’t want to talk about what happened next. Let’s just say that I did not get the happy ending my body very much craved afterward…

As soon as the blushing ladies left, Spike turned to me. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked, smirking. His smile disappeared when he saw the look on my face. “N-Nav?” I got out of bed, slowly advancing on him. “It… it was just a joke!”

I reached my hand back and slapped him right across the face. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Oh come on, you—” I cut off his attempt at an excuse by punching him in the stomach as hard as I could. It felt like I broke my fist doing it, but he dropped down, clutching at himself. Then I walked over to the bed and yanked off the blankets. He was struggling to look up as I walked back over and roped his arms behind his back, tying him up. I used the sheets for his legs. And then I wadded up a pair of panties and shoved that in his mouth, using a sock to gag him.

“Now what have you learned?” I asked, dragging him into a corner, making him face the walls. He tried mumbling something around the bindings, but I had no clue what. “Now you just sit there while I deal with this massive fucking ladyboner you gave me.” He groaned as I walked over and locked the door, then went back to the bed and touched myself very, very inappropriately. I made sure to moan plenty, too.

By the end of it, it seemed the horniness I had transferred to him. I didn’t comment on that, of course, since it wouldn’t be fair to draw attention to something he couldn’t control. I wanted to leave him in the corner for even longer, but I had no clue when or if someone else might walk in.

When I walked over to him, I took off his gag first, then removed the panties. “Now when I let you go, what are you going to do?” I asked.

After working some moisture back into his mouth, he said, “G-go to the bathroom…”

I nodded and pulled off the blanket holding his arms in place. As he was pulling off the sheets around his legs, I walked back over to the bed and just collapsed onto it, avoiding the wet spot. He hurried into the bathroom, though I didn’t look back to watch.

...Although when I did readjust myself on the bed, for some reason I didn’t see the panties I stuffed in his mouth there anymore.

After about fifteen or so minutes, he came back out looking considerably more mellow and slightly flushed. “Feeling better?” I asked.

He mutely nodded, then said, “I’m… sorry for teasing you like that, Nav. I know you said your wings were sensitive, but I didn’t know they were that sensitive.”

“Well, now you do. And bring the blankets back over. It’s cold and these bites are actually kinda hurting.” He nodded and grabbed the sheets and the blanket, dragging both over and dropping them on me. I tried fighting my way out to see, but he apparently decided that would be a good time for revenge. Soon, I was wrapped up in a sleep burrito, unable to move. “Very funny, Spike. Now let me go.”

“Hm… Nah. You didn’t listen to the doctor, so maybe this’ll teach you a lesson.”

“Spike, you know I hate being tied up, unless it’s a sexy chick doing the tying and she’s about to punish me for being a naughty boy. Or girl, I guess.”

“Well, I’m not a mare, but I can still punish you for being naughty, if you want. What’s that you always threaten to do to me? Spanking, right? Do you want me to spank you?”

“God no. How would you even get to my ass in this cocoon?”

“Yeah, I guess that is silly… Oh well. But still, you tied me up, so it’s only fair I tie you up. And this way you can’t clean up that really sweet smell!”

“Ugh. You know what that smell is, right?”

“Nope. I remember Twilight mentioning something about smells like that, though. Phero-somethings. She got really embarrased when she realized I was standing there and stopped talking about them.”

“Pheromones.” More like pheromoans, if you know what I mean. “Things that induce and increase arousal, usually released by either sexual activity or becoming ready for breeding.”

“...Nav, do you want to be… bred?”

“If I could move, I’d smack you. According to Kumani, I release pheromones that were nearly addicting or something. And I also taste really good.” Before I could stop him, he leaned down and licked me right across the face.

“Don’t taste that good. Though you were occasionally sweet when we were kissing…”

“I didn’t mean my face. When girls get horny, they begin releasing natural lubricants in their vagina to facilitate sex. Come on, Spike. I know you’ve been through this with Doppel.”

“Oh, that stuff? Yeah, hers tasted kinda funny.”

“That’s because she eats lust. But different species taste differently. And according to Kumani, I taste good.”

“Huh. Do you mind if I—”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So what do you want to do now?”

“Hm. Any stories you want to hear?”

“Sure, I guess. I heard some of the ponies talking about how you’ve… been with so many mares. Do you have any stories about that?”

Oh boy. “Stories of my sluttiness have been partially exaggerated. But I suppose I can tell you some of my legendary sexcapades…”

The next day was back to business as usual in the castle, with one important addition: I heard a faint whispering while the ladies were brushing my hair the following morning. “Can you hear me, Nav?” Flo whispered.

I almost fucked up and answered her aloud, but thankfully stopped myself. Thank God! Are you strong enough to take over yet?

“I’m afraid not,” she said. “Just endure it for a short time longer. Surely the ship won’t take much longer to get here.”

God, I hope so. I don’t know how much more of this inane bullshit I can take. Just listen to these three! They were currently talking about boys while doing my hair and makeup. The only good thing about the process is that it gave me a lot of ways to punish Taya if she started misbehaving again. And hey, they made sure to teach me how to do my own makeup in case I ever had to do it without them for some reason, so I could beautify someone if I needed to.

Anyway, the day got much better a few hours later, when another rushing messenger let himself into my throne room. “Your majesty, a… thing approaches!”

“What kind of thing?” I asked, not getting up from my seat yet. Why bother, if it wasn’t anything important?

“It’s large, made of wood, and flying right toward us!”

“How quickly?” I asked, wondering if I had time to change before anyone from the ship could see me.

“It’ll be upon us within twenty minutes!” Fuck. Guess not.

“Assemble the guard, but do not attack,” I said, standing. “It is not spiders, so they may be peaceful travelers.” Man, these monkeys are retarded. Do they really not recognize the ship I was on before they kidnapped me?

“Yes, your highness. Will you be meeting your troops on the fighting deck again?”

“Of course. I would not let my people fight without being there to assist in any way I could.”

“Then we will fight all the harder, knowing we have such a precious jewel to protect,” the soldier said, bowing. For some reason, I actually felt a small blush appearing on my face as he ran off.

“About time they got here,” I muttered, standing. “Spike, come on.” He jumped to follow as I began stately walking from the hall, making sure I didn’t seem to hurry. Showing alarm might panic the monkeys, which would be bad. And I also didn’t want any of them around me while we walked.

“What’s going on, Nav?” Spike asked. “Think it’s our ship?”

“I certainly hope so,” I answered, fishing the radio out of my bra, where I had stored it. I had left it on, which made me wonder what the hell they were doing that they hadn’t tried contacting me yet. But I pressed the button and said, “Nav, ship. Anyone on this channel?”

A few seconds later, I actually got a reply. “You’re alive!” Kat nearly shouted.

“No shit. Gonna take more than that to bring me down. You near Watcher?”

A few more seconds passed before Watcher’s voice kicked in. “I’m here, Nav. What do you need?”

“Stop the ship. You’re panicking the monkeys. Bring a shore party down. One squad, you, Twilight if she’s awake, and Pinkie. Absolutely no one else. Hear that, Taya? Do not go with them.”

“Why not?” she whined when the radio clicked on again.

“I’ll tell you when I see you again, I promise. Watcher, you get all that?”

“Yes sir. Where do you want us to meet you?”

“Pull out your spyglass. You should see a somewhat camouflaged fighting deck a few dozen meters before the city, in the trees. There might be monkeys on it.”

“Yes sir, a lot of them.”

“Spike and I’ll be up there in a few minutes. Would be sooner, but it’s impossible to run in these fucking heels. When you see us, teleport in and put up a shield. The monkeys shouldn’t attack, but no promises.”

“Yes sir. Did you say… heels?”

“Nav, out.” I turned the radio off and picked up some speed. “It’ll be good to see them again.”

“Yeah…”

“And of course, don’t tell anyone shit about what happened this week. Well, except about how you got your wings. You can tell them that. But none of how we were forced to act.”

“Right.”

“I’m warning you, Spike. It’s bad enough they’ll see me dressed like this.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” he answered with a shrug. “I mean, you were an awesome queen. And as you said a few times, we only did what we had to do. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“I’m wearing makeup.”

“Yeah, so? I’ve done it before. I mean, I wouldn’t do it again, but it wasn’t that bad.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “The difference is that you grew up in a mare-heavy town, so it wasn’t as frowned upon. I dunno. It might weird some of my crew out. Just don’t risk it.”

“Alright, Nav, I won’t. But can I at least tell them about your panties?”

“Spike, don’t make me reach over there and pop you right in the jaw.”

“...Didn’t you hurt your hand the last time you did that?”

“Some things in life are worth it.” He rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond. Thankfully, we finally got to one of the palace balconies. “You ready to fly?” I asked, lifting my wings.

“Allow me, your highness,” he said, lifting me up. “After all, we don’t want the monkeys to think you’re working too much after getting hurt, right?”

“Such a gentleman,” I swooned, allowing him to steal me away.

“A pleasure to serve, m’lady,” he said, jumping off the side and spreading his wings wide. “Oh man, what do you think Twilight’s gonna do when she sees these wings?”

“Freak the fuck out, probably,” I said. “Most of the girls will. It’ll be funny.”

“Hey, a few might freak out over you even more! I mean, just look at you.”

“I can wipe this shit off my face. Good luck getting rid of those wings.”

“We’ll see,” he said, pulling off a very rough landing on the platform. “We’re uh… we’re gonna have to work on that…”

“No shit. Surprised you even know how to move those things.”

“It’s natural for me,” he said, setting me down. “Didn’t you say that no human ever had wings? That’s probably why you couldn’t do it.”

“Eh, maybe.” Before I could tell the monkeys to chill out, six ponies teleported onto the platform, a purple shield immediately surrounding them.

Before any words could be said, a fireball instantly struck the shield. “Protect the queen!” the vizier shouted.

“Hold!” I shouted before any other damage could be done. “A shield is defensive, vizier. Do you see them attacking?”

As soon as I shouted, the monkeys stopped. When I finished talking, they stood down. “No, your highness,” he said. “Their appearance seemed… threatening.”

“Be at ease, then,” I said, stepping up to the ponies. “Why have you come here, visitors?” I asked them.

Pinkie said, “You know why we—” Twilight shoved a hoof in her mouth.

“We’re here to visit the uh… goddess,” Twilight said.

“To pay our respects,” Watcher added with a nod.

“I see no harm in that,” I said with my signature queenly smile. “Please, come with me.”

I wanted to lead them away for privacy, but the vizier fellow said, “Your majesty, allow me.” One of his fists glowed brightly and all of us appeared in the throne room. “I built a teleportation line between the deck and the throneroom after I realized you would prefer to be with the troops. You left before I could find you and teleport you earlier.”

“Convenient,” I said, nodding. “Guests, there is no need for your shield in here.” Twilight dispelled her magic, removing their protection. The three pony soldiers tensed, ready for an attack that never came. “Vizier, would you mind giving me time to speak with them before meeting with Brook? I would like to know how the outside world is doing.”

“Of course, your majesty,” he said, bowing.

As soon as he left, I said, “Guards, leave us.”

“Are you sure, your majesty?” they asked.

“Spike is protection enough for me,” I said, laying a hand on one of his arms.

“Of course, your highness,” they said with an implied shrug, grabbing their spears and following the vizier out.

When they were gone, I dropped the smile. “Finally. Bar the door.” The pony squad rushed to do as I ordered. “Watcher, news.”

Before he could answer, Pinkie was all up in my face, beaming like crazy. “Navi, you’re so pretty!”

“Spike, you got your wings!” Twilight shouted, rushing up to hug him. I stopped paying attention to whatever they were doing to get the pink menace away from me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, taking a step back and letting her fall.

“The makeup! The dress! Ooooh, wait until I tell Rarity! She’ll love making you over!”

“I think you’re seeing things, Pinkie. I’m not wearing a dress or makeup.”

“But… but I see them! And Aerie does too!”

“Watcher, do you see anything?”

“No ma’am, aside from your armor. I don’t know what she’s talking about.”

“See there, Pinkie? You really need to get your eyes checked.”

“But I can feel the dress!” she shouted, reaching up and grabbing it.

I slapped her hoof away. “What did your mother tell you about touching others?”

“If they’re gagged or drugged, they can’t say no, so plan accordingly.”

“...I need to have a serious conversation with your parents.”

“I’ll go find some roofies so you can’t say no!” she happily said, starting to bounce to the door. Before she got too far away, I grabbed her tail.

“It can wait. Watcher, news?”

“Not much to tell. Those that got poisoned woke up yesterday. Zecora cooked up her cure and no longer rhymes. Aqua and Aerie spoke at length about this Brook character. Apparently she’s one of the older elementals.”

Twilight broke in with, “She’s spent so long acting as a goddess that she probably doesn’t remember that she was meant to serve. Aqua thinks it’s possible to get her on our side, but we need to be careful.”

“Very careful,” I said with a nod. “Don’t let her touch you. She already threatened to kill Spike once before he burned her out.”

“Whoa dude, what?”

“Not important. Just don’t let her touch you.”

“...That sounds pretty important,” Twilight slowly said.

“Yeah, well, it’s not,” I said. “Watcher, suggestions?”

“Aqua also says that’s important,” Twilight added.

“So do I,” Flo agreed.

“Alright, fine,” I said. “Spike, when Brook healed you, she left a part of her inside of you and threatened to kill you if I didn’t play along and stay here after the crew left.”

“WHAT?!” he shouted, both hands going to his ear things. “GET HER OUT, GET HER OUT!”

“Dude, you already killed her.”

“What?! How do you know that? She could be faking!”

I rolled my eyes. “Twilight, let Aqua take a look.”

“Why can’t Flo do it?” she asked.

“Because Flo had her shit kicked in, that’s why. Brook really wanted to make sure I cooperated.”

“That… doesn’t sound like a water,” Twilight slowly said.

“That sounds like a meanie!” Pinkie shouted.

“Yeah. But Spike’s still panicking, so if you would?”

She shrugged and walked over, forcing Spike still with magic. Aqua slowly oozed out of Twilight and slid down onto Spike, then into him. “It feels so… empty without her there,” Twilight said, shivering slightly.

“I know, right? Wait until you lose her for days.”

“Being alone again would feel… weird,” Twilight said. Right after she said that, Aqua slid back out. Twilight grabbed her with magic and lifted her up, letting her reenter. “Spike, you’re fine,” Twilight said, letting him go.

He breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“So you wouldn’t panic. There’s a reason we played along and didn’t immediately leave, man. You never thought about it?”

“No, I did. I just trust you.”

“Well alright then. Watcher, thoughts?”

“A few. The first is obvious. If this Brook refuses to go with us, killing or kidnapping her is an option.”

“No, no. Killing her is stupid because we might be able to get enough water elementals together to convince her to come with us. Kidnapping her defeats the point of going after her right now anyway.”

“You could try being a terrible queen. Though adorable as you are, I don’t think the monkeys would feel overly threatened.” God fucking dammit, Watcher.

“Very funny. I’ll get a maid outfit for you, too, and you can join Spike while he’s practicing in his. Being a bad queen for these dudes would… Well, it would make me feel bad, actually. I’m already going to feel bad just for leaving them, but seriously, fuck this place. We need to convince her to leave in another way.”

“Why don’t we just ask what she wants?” Pinkie asked.

“That’s an option, yeah,” I said. “This is for what we do if she says she doesn’t want anything.”

“It’s not too late to just leave,” Watcher said with a shrug. “I mean, the water elementals down in the actual ocean might be receptive, with or without this one’s help.”

“Brook’s old. Old enough to actually remember humans. That’s why she kidnapped me in the first place. Having her help would be good. But yes, if we can’t convince her, fuck her.”

“Do you think that would work?” Pinkie asked. “We can get Doppel down here to show her a good time!”

“God dammit, Pinkie. And no. Before she healed Spike, I offered, thinking that would be her price. She was… less than impressed by my offer. Fuck it. Pinkie, is Aerie with you?”

“Nope! She’s playing with the cute little monkeys.”

Fucking great. “Whatever. When we get to the water, let her talk through you. We’ll try an appeal to emotion, first. With three other elementals here, hopefully she’ll be willing to listen to them. And if not, we’ll see what she wants to go with us. And if all else fails, we’ll just call this mission a failure and leave.”

“Are you sure the monkeys would let you come back, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“Hope so. I’m abdicating, baby. Well, after we either give up or get Brook to go with us. Now, are you guys ready?”

“Not until you tell us what you’ve been up to!” Pinkie happily said. “Anything that made you so pretty has to be a good story.”

“Everyone, follow me,” I said, walking to the door. Pinkie hopped right up next to me. “I said follow, not walk next to. I’m their queen, Pinkie. You don’t want them to think you think you’re my equal.”

“But—” Twilight grabbed her with magic and pulled her back. “Aww…” I pushed both doors open and began stately walking along. Spike walked behind me, slightly to my right. The others all arranged themselves behind me in various ways.

One of the guards outside said, “My queen, would you like me to inform Goddess Brook that you are coming?”

“She already knows, thank you,” I lied. He just bowed slightly, watching the ponies as they followed behind me. “They are guests, guard. There is no need to be so nervous.”

“I know, my queen. We just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Your concern warms my heart,” I said, my smile deepening. “I will be just fine, though.” He nodded again and I started walking off. Thankfully, he didn’t try to follow me.

When they were hopefully out of earshot, Pinkie said, “Wow Nav, you’re really good at this!”

“I told you a long time ago that I was a good actor,” I said. “All it takes is the know-how.”

“It takes a little more than that,” Watcher muttered.

“So Spike, how’d you get your wings?” Twilight asked.

That got Pinkie to gasp enormously, rushing forward and grabbing them. “You got your wings! Ooh, this calls for a party!”

“Later!” Twilight and I both said.

“That just gives me more time to plan!” she said with a dark little chuckle, backing away from him.

“So, the wings?” Twilight asked.

“The monkeys got attacked by spiders two days ago,” Spike said with a shrug. “While we were fending them off, Nav got webbed and they were dragging her off. The gun was empty and I just knew I had to save her, so… Here they are.”

“So you got them by… saving Nav?” Twilight asked.

“How romantic!” Pinkie very enthusiastically said, jumping back up and grabbing me and Spike, then shoving us together. “I knew you two would be so perfect for each other!”

Once again, Twilight pulled Pinkie away from us as I said, “I think we all know how well that would go over. And as I’ve said before, I’m not gay. As soon as I turn back, I’m going to stay that way for a while. Fuck this girly body.”

Spike didn’t reply.

Pinkie did, though. “Surely that’s not the only reason! Come on, Nav. There’s more to a relationship than what’s between your legs. And as everypony’s seen with Kumani, that’s about all there is to what you two have. How much time have you spent with her since her heat ended?”

Our arrival at Brook’s room saved me from having to waste my time responding. The guards bowed and one said, “The goddess is accepting visitors, your highness.”

“Thank you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if that was one of the bastards that tried to stop me before. At least I don’t have to kick the door open this time. That shit hurt on my bare feet. Anyway, I continued leading the way in.

Brook was behind her receptacle thing again, hiding away from the world. There were no priests or anything like that within, thankfully. As soon as the last of us got inside, someone closed the doors. “Bar them,” Watcher ordered. And then they did that.

“Come out, Brook. I think it’s time we had a little… heart to heart,” I said. As in, if you don’t do as I say, I’ll rip yours out and show it to you. If you even have one.

She started dribbling out. “I see you have brought another host. Who do you contain, purple one? Perhaps I know her.”

“Aqua,” Twilight said. “She doesn’t know you.”

“But I know of her. Only in passing, however. I did not know of this Flo at all. So why have you come, Navarone? Do you seek to convince me to leave the only chance of rebuilding some semblance of human civilization behind?”

“Only chance my ass,” I said. “I went back in time. I saw them before they died. That armor you pulled me out of? Human armor, made by and for us. And I can go back in time and bring some of them with me. But I can’t do that if I’m trapped here, Brook. And I can’t do that without the support of the elementals.”

“Why would you need us? And more importantly, why would you want to bring those humans before the fall back, anyway? The only good thing they did was create us! They destroyed themselves, Navarone. I don’t seek to bring their culture and society back. I will bring back something guided by a goddess of love. A society of peace and perfection.”

“Then it’s not humanity! We are defined by our imperfections, Brook. Defined by our goodness and our darkness. Trying to build a society based only on peace and goodness defies humanity’s very nature.”

“Then perhaps you deserved to die.”

“Perhaps. But we didn’t deserve to be killed. Don’t think our death was solely our own doing, water. The element of chaos was the instigator of our undoing, not humanity itself.”

“He learned from watching you!”

“He learned from watching our darkness! He saw what he wanted to see, nothing else! With my own eyes, I have seen the glory of man, both right before the fall and earlier, in a time when chaos walked the world as a mortal man. We fought him, elemental. Those you seek to emulate fought him. Would you rot here, letting him do as he saw fit? Rotting in this lie?”

“We killed that demon long ago, Navarone. We killed him, not our creators.”

“He’s still alive,” I coldly said. “Still alive and still enjoying himself.”

“Liar! The earth elemental told us he had a way!”

“Then his way failed, water.”

“I don’t believe you for a second, human. You would tell whatever lie you needed to bring me from my paradise!”

“It’s true!” Twilight shouted. “He’s harming the ponies too, Brook! He’s already stolen several of our artifacts and spread them across the world. The spiders had one of them!”

“I’ve found evidence for him as well,” Watcher said, nodding. “He’s active in this world, Brook. I don’t know what he’s planning yet, but he’s here, alive.”

“Aerie says she fought him once,” Pinkie said, bouncing. “Or helped Flo and Taya fight him. Something like that.”

“True. He sent an assassin after us,” I said.

“Lies, again! I know he does his own dirty work,” Brook said.

“Millions of years changes people, sister,” Twilight said, her voice taking on a strange timbre. “It has obviously changed you, if you would go so far as to threaten an innocent life!”

“I did what had to be done!” Brook shouted, surging forward until Twilight’s magic put up a wall. Spike snorted green flame, glaring at her. “The monkeys must have a guide, a leader that knows how to lead, how to fight!”

“A leader that would drag them down the failed path of humanity?” I asked.

“With my guidance, no! You are the fire, I am the water. Together, we will temper the weak iron of these monkeys into a powerful steel. Do you not see the need, Navarone? They require you.”

“They require someone who gives a damn,” I said. “This week has been miserable.”

“Do you have no concept of the greater good?” Brook asked. “Sacrifice, Navarone!”

“Do you?” Pinkie shot back, jumping forward. “How many humans died in that great fire, Brook? Chaos is free! What is one race, one city, when compared to the world? Your assistance is required! Would you truly let the world burn around you in the hopes that you can keep your one small group safe?”

Brook changed to a much lighter shade before going extremely dark. “You freed an air.”

“Answer the question, water,” Pinkie said. “What is this one little haven of yours worth when compared to the world? You exist to safeguard life. The greater good means leaving these monkeys here and saving the world.”

“I would never leave them alone against the spiders!”

“They’re doing just fine,” Spike said. “Plenty of food. Plenty of clothes. And they killed most of those spiders alone when they attacked us!”

“That was one small group, dragon,” she said. “When they blot out the green in the trees, speak to me again.”

“Have you ever tried peace?” I asked. “If you ask them for it, they might be willing to make a deal.”

“Spiders know nothing of peace! They crave only war and destruction. And they lie. Should we attempt to make peace with them, they would turn on us the moment they thought us weak.”

“Surely a water elemental knows of peace,” Pinkie said. “Knows of it and craves it. In a world where chaos walks, should you not give it a chance? Weaken him any way you can before joining the fight?”

“Who said I would join you?”

“You did,” Twilight answered. “You keep talking about the greater good. The need of the many over the need of the few. Stopping chaos benefits all life. Holding out here, alone, will benefit no one when he comes for you.” It’s getting confusing to tell who’s saying what. Too many damn elementals here.

Brook slowly drew backwards, condensing in thought. Finally, she dropped into a deep, dark shade of blue. “If you find peace with the spiders, I will leave these monkeys behind.”

“And how would we do that?” I asked.

“Go to their capital, speak with their goddess. Arachne is the only one of them with any power to control the rest.”

“Alright, sure. You know how we could get an audience with her?”

“I have no clue. She… refused my entreaties for peace.” I picked up on the undertones there, I think.

“Did she just say no or something?” Spike asked.

“She returned their heads on a platter.”

Spike gulped and slowly asked, “What… what did they do with the rest?”

“Shut up, Spike,” I said. “Where’s their capital?”

“You have maps, Queen. Use them.”

“Alright, whatevs. Hm. Spike, go get my armor from our room. It’s time I left this frilly dress the fuck behind.”

“I dunno,” he said, scratching as his neck. “I kinda like it.”

“...Go get my armor and meet me in the planning room,” I said.

“Which one’s that, again?” he asked.

“Dude, we were just there three hours ago. The one with all the generals and the maps and shit!”

“Just checking. I might get lost, but that’s what guards are for.”

“And don’t forget my boots. Fuck these heels!”

“You got it.” He walked on out.

“And we can’t stay any longer, either,” I said. “The guards outside think I’m in here with just strangers, they’ll be busting the doors down to check on me.”

“Then go,” Brook said. “Leave me.”

I shrugged and started walking. The others followed, of course. When I opened the doors, I saw the guards reaching for them. They relaxed as soon as they saw me. But since they didn’t say anything, I just kept walking, turning toward the planning room.

“So what’s living here like?” Twilight asked.

I waited until I was sure the guards couldn’t hear before responding, “Miserable. I can’t even pick up a plate without someone begging to do it for me. They won’t let me wash myself or dress myself.”

“...And the makeup?” Twilight asked.

“Ugh. I have handmaidens. Very girly handmaidens. Did you know you’re supposed to use one hundred strokes on your hair every morning?”

“What mare doesn’t know that?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, it’s beautification 101, Nav,” Pinkie said.

Before I could reply, Sanguine Rose from the guard squad said, “They’re right, ma’am. I mean, most of us don’t bother since we’re wearing helmets anyway, but still.”

Oh come on, that’s just ridiculous! “Whatever. Guess I better make sure Taya knows that, since it seems a prerequisite of having a vagina.”

“So what else have you been up to?” Pinkie asked.

“This and that. Nothing too big.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Twilight said, smiling. “Has Spike been behaving?”

“Like a proper gentleman,” I said. “The monkeys weren’t too pleased with him and were trying to… Well, I just told them he was my bodyguard. It’s been smooth sailing ever since.”

“Good. You even helped him get his wings!”

“Yep. And it wasn’t romantic,” I said. “Just one friend helping another.”

Just as I said that, the vizier fellow turned the corner ahead of us. “Ah, your highness! I was just looking for you. Oh, where’s your lover? Is he not with you?” I heard Pinkie burst into giggles behind me and I knew Twilight would have a very confused look followed by an enraged one on her face.

“Spike is doing something for me,” I said, dying a little inside. “Vizier, I have grand news. Our visitors are offering to take me to carry a message to the spiders. I’ll be leaving within the hour.”

He gasped. “How is this good news, your highness? The spiders are dangerous!”

“I carry an offer of peace, vizier. Perhaps they will listen.”

He shook his head. “Last time, they murdered our ambassadors and enslaved their guards!”

“And this time, I will have the assistance of a hardened group of warriors, given a task by the Goddess Brook. They will listen to our offer. Whether or not they take it is another story.”

He sighed, looking away. “It will be… dangerous, your highness. I request leave to go in your place. Or to go with you.”

I shook my head. “No, vizier. If something were to happen to me, I need you here to help lead your people. But to send the spiders anything less than our best would be an insult. I will go without guards, trusting Spike and these strangers as Brook trusted them.”

“...Very well, your highness. Though all of us will despair when you no longer grace us.”

“And I will miss you and the others as well, vizier. I will try to hurry back. But if Spike and I don’t make it, I want you to help lead the others. And don’t try to come for me, please. I would not want any of you hurt trying to save me.”

“No promises, your highness,” he said, finally smiling. “You are beloved by the people, now. They may well try to come for you even if you beg that they don’t.”

“Then I pray it doesn’t come to that. Now, I must gather maps to show our guests where to fly us. Go and inform the others that I’m leaving.”

“Yes, your highness. And if we should never meet again, it was truly an honor.” He bowed low and then scampered off. We continued walking in silence.

Until… “Your lover?” Twilight demanded, practically seething.

“Long story short, it was tell them Spike and I were dating or marry a monkey,” I said. “I’m not particularly a fan of marriage, so…”

“Uh huh. And how have you been… loving my dragon?” she asked.

“Kissing. Hugging. Pretending. No sex, though don’t tell the monkeys that. And uh… don’t tell Kumani that either. She might not be too happy.”

“I’m not too happy about that!” Twilight growled.

“I am!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing.

“I’m not either, Twilight. But I’d be less happy about marriage or dealing with monkey suitors. Spike didn’t mind, I didn’t mind, and that’s the end of it. So drop it.” She grumbled, but she thankfully let it drop. “Besides, if you want to complain about someone stealing his innocence, go to Doppel.”

“I knew he was sleeping with that whorse! Oooh…”

I quickly decided against telling her that I had been the catalyst for that. And that I had been the cause of him losing his virginity before. Getting to the planning room cut off any ideas of replying anyway.

Thank God, it didn’t have any monkeys inside. “Where are the maps?” Watcher asked, looking around.

“In the cabinet labeled maps,” I said, pointing at it.

“...That makes sense, yes.” He walked over and started rifling through it… and then immediately stopped, pulling out the only map. “Is this really all they have?”

“They aren’t very militarily minded,” I said with a shrug. He just shook his head, pulling the map over to a table.

“Ooh, what’s this do?” Pinkie asked, looking at something that probably absolutely shouldn’t be touched.

“I don’t know. Don’t touch it.”

“Aww, why not?” she asked, touching it.

This is why no one likes you. Thankfully, nothing happened. I just glared at her. “Because I said so, that’s why. Who’s the queen?”

“...You are?”

“Damn right. Now… go give Twilight a hug!”

“Yes, your highness!” she happily said, giggling and bowing. Then she pounced upon Twilight, who was rolling her eyes.

“Can we take this map, ma’am?” Watcher asked.

“Nah. Let me just study it. Flo can memorize it.” Twilight and I walked up next to him, Pinkie practically riding Twilight (if you know what I mean). While we were looking over it, Spike walked in, a large bag over his shoulder. “Dude, I just asked for my armor. What’s with the bag? Hell, where did you even get that thing?”

“Asked one of your handmaidens. They uh… they helped me pack.”

“...Well, you never know. As long as my armor’s in there, I can deal with the rest.”

“Good enough. I made sure it was.”

“Then pull it out for me, will you? I don’t want to go back to the ship looking like this.” He shrugged and started reaching around in the bag while I turned my attentions back to the map.

“Looks fairly simple,” Twilight said. “And of course, we still have… you know who on board. So if we get lost, I’m sure they can guide us.”

“Hopefully.” Spike passed me the armor and I went ahead and kicked the heels off. “Would you kindly?” I asked, turning my back on him. He unzipped it, much to the blushing surprise of Twilight and the smiling joy of Pinkie. “What? You think I’d get into and out of these damn dresses on my own? You gotta be fucking crazy.”

“I wouldn’t want to try it,” Watcher said, looking on as I started pulling it off. “Looks complicated.”

“Surprisingly so, yes.” Every one of them was watching as I pulled it off, actually. There were several blushes when it finally fell and I stood there in just the lingerie. “What? You’re all mostly naked!”

Each one looked away and Rose cleared her throat. “We uh… We don’t wear stuff like that except for… Well, sex, ma’am.”

“Most humans wear underclothes all the time. I just don’t as a guy because it’s uncomfortable. But this armor is built for a guy and it chafes, so I’ll just leave it on this time.” I did just that, pulling the armor up around the shit I had on. “Feels so, so good to be back in this again. Spike, you got your sword, right?”

“Sure did,” he said, patting his side where it was. Then he handed me Excalibur on its belt. I buckled that on, followed by the daggers and shit. Finally, I put the gun on.

“I feel… complete again,” I said, my hand going to the pommel of the sword. “Now, are you sure you got everything out of that room?”

“Pretty sure, yeah,” he said, nodding.

“Good enough for me. Shadow Fall, fly out with me and Spike. The rest of you, teleport back.”

“Why can’t you teleport with us?” Twilight asked.

“Those damn monkeys did something to me,” I said with a shrug. “According to Brook, I can’t be teleported for a while. You can study it on the way, see if you can reverse it. If you can’t, I’ll talk to Athena. I don’t really want to go into the spider place without being able to teleport.”

“That’s for sure… Well, I’ll see you back on the ship,” she said, nodding. Then her horn lit up, carrying away all of them except for me, Spike, and the pegasus from the squad.

“So are we flying back now?” Shadow asked.

“Not quite. I need to find a sink or something first, to get this damn makeup off.”

“Got you covered,” Spike said, pulling a flask of water out of the bag.

“Did you really pack that just for this?” I asked.

“No. One of the girls put it in there. Told me to keep you hydrated because of how hot and icky the forest is.”

“...Those girls have fucking problems, I swear.” He and I just shrugged and I grabbed a wooden helmet just lying there. He filled it with water and I began scrubbing that shit off my face. After a few minutes, the water was murky. I looked up and said, “Gone enough?”

Spike pursed his lips and moved in close, using his claws to very gently scrape some shit off. After a few seconds, he nodded. “Good enough.”

I looked over to Shadow. “Thoughts?”

“You looked much better before, ma’am.”

“Ugh. I swear, all of you are human fetishists or somethin’.”

“When you grow up in a world with so many races, you learn to appreciate all beauty, wherever you can find it,” he replied with a shrug.

“Man, whatever. Let’s just go.” I walked over to the large window that was in the room and pushed it open, then jumped out. It felt really, really good to be flying again after so long of using my wings for nothing but smacking Spike around. The other two joined me in the air shortly after.

As soon as I touched down on the ship, I got piledrived in a hug. “I thought you were dead!” Taya cried, holding me as tightly as possible.

“I got word back as soon as I could,” I quietly said, hugging her back and rubbing her hair. She couldn’t answer, since she was too busy crying. “Twilight, get our course set,” I said, carefully picking Taya up.

“Of course, Nav,” she said, nodding. I began carrying my daughter down below, not paying attention to anything else going on. Thankfully, if Kumani was on deck, she didn’t decide to go full bitch and try to stop me.

Anyway, when I got Taya to my room, I just sat on the bed and set her on my lap. “I’m just fine, Taya,” I said, petting her mane gently.

“Why do you keep leaving me?” she whispered.

“It’s definitely not on purpose, I can tell you that,” I said. “But I’ll let you go down with me to talk to the spiders, I promise.” Once again, she didn’t answer. I just continued petting her until she stopped crying.

“What… what happened to you?” she finally croaked.

“Got kidnapped by a bunch of monkeys,” I said. “They uh… they tortured Spike for a little while. Or at least, they tried to. And they turned me into a queen. Let me tell you, that was more than enough torture for me. But I did learn how to put on makeup. So now we really can sit together and talk about boys and put makeup on each other. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

She snorted a dark laugh. “No.”

“Good. Now I know how to punish you if you misbehave again.”

She looked up at me in horror, but the door opened before anything could be said and Twilight walked in. “Nav, do you have a moment?”

“I guess. I was just, you know, comforting my crying daughter. Not like that’s important to you or anything.”

She rolled her eyes. “If now’s a bad time, it can wait. I was just asking.”

“Oh no, you’ve already let yourself in, now. Taya’s just going to have to keep crying, the poor thing…” I grabbed her and snuggled her tightly. “I’m sorry, Taya. But you know how Twilight is.” Hopefully she’ll play along.

“I know, mommy… But she didn’t say I had to leave.”

“Oh yeah. I guess I can comfort you while she does whatever she needs to do.”

“Ugh. If you’re going to be like that, I can just leave,” Twilight said.

“Too late. Come on in.” I let Taya go again, leaving her to just lie on my lap. Twilight rolled her eyes again and finished stepping inside. “So what do you need?”

“I was going to do some tests with the teleportation blocker. Do you know anything about how it works?”

“Not a clue. You know magic is way beyond me. That’s why I keep so many cute and cuddly unicorns around… Like Watcher.” Both of them rolled their eyes.

“Then I suppose we’ll start from ground zero, in assuming that she was lying. Taya, do you mind moving?”

“You can teleport us both, right?” she asked.

Twilight shrugged and her horn lit up. A second later, Taya teleported a foot or two to the right, still on the bed. Then she hopped right back onto my lap. “Well, Brook wasn’t lying,” Twilight said. “Let’s try a simple diagnostic spell…” She moved closer and pushed her horn against my arm. And then she realized that I was wearing armor. “Hm. Nav, lean down.” I did so and her horn moved to my nose. She did magic to me and I started glowing brown. “Hm. The monkeys do have magic,” she said, backing away. “A magic I’ve not seen before… We need to talk to either the princess or Athena, Nav. I don’t know how to beat this.”

“Go get me some fresh fruit, then,” I said.

“...Is now really a time to eat?” Twilight asked.

“When Athena offered to let us come back, she asked us to bring fresh fruit. Bitch is a bird lady, so I assume she really likes it or something. Either way, I figure a bit of good will would do us well with her.”

“That makes sense,” she said, nodding. “I’ll be right back.” She quickly wandered off, leaving us alone again.

“Can I go with you?” Taya asked.

“Sure. You’ve been there before, after all. Oh yeah, did you see Spike’s wings?”

“...He grew wings?” she asked.

“Yep. He got them while saving me from something. It was pretty cool, too.”

“What was he saving you from?”

“Eh, giant spiders that were kidnapping me as a sex slave or something,” I answered with a shrug. “I had been killing them before, so it was only fair.”

“Oh. Do you always wait until I’m not around to get into trouble?”

“Well, yeah. I don’t want you getting hurt, after all. Taking you with me to the trouble would defeat the purpose.”

She petulantly hmphed, crossing her forelegs. Since it looked adorable, I just smiled and hugged her again.

By the time Twilight walked in, I was holding Taya down and blowing raspberries on her belly, making her giggle and squirm like crazy. “I’ll… I’ll get you for this, daddy!” she squealed, uselessly batting at me with hooves.

“Maybe. But until you do, it’ll be really funny and cute.”

“...Ready to go?” Twilight asked.

I snatched Taya back up, holding her in my lap. “Yep! What are we bringing her?”

“Bananas and pineapples. There’s a lot of fruit down there, but nopony really knows much about most of them. After the fruits you brought back from the Everfree…”

“Yeah, we don’t need any freaky half-breeds running around. Float that chest over, would you?”

“You’re not a queen anymore, Nav,” Twilight answered, not doing shit.

“Doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch about it,” I said, setting Taya aside and walking over to the chest. I hauled it over and onto the bed, then pulled off my gauntlet to open it.

“So how does this thing work, anyway?” she asked. “After you… well, after we thought you died, everypony tried to open it to get Athena’s book.”

“It’s gene-locked,” I said, wiggling my fingers. “If you’re not me, this thing will not open. And if you do get it open, first it’ll incinerate everything.”

“That’s not too—”

“And then it’ll explode.”

“...Oh. That thing is dangerous!”

“That’s why you don’t try to open it,” I said, pulling out the book. “Alright, stand next to me.” Twilight picked my right and Taya picked my left. I cracked the fucker open and we got sucked in by a weeaboo’s wet dream.

A few moments later, we were standing within Athena’s personal sanctum. To one side, I could see a large paper golem leafing through a book, trying to read without eyes. Behind us, two golems seemed to be… sucking ink out of a book and wadding it up. Athena was standing with those two, holding her hands over the slowly growing wad.

“...What are you doing?” Twilight asked as we all walked closer.

Athena didn’t answer and Twilight lifted a hoof to ask again, but I put a hand on her head. She looked up and I shook my head. She shrugged and put the hoof down. We waited in silence as Athena began chanting, the wad of ink growing and growing until it looked reminiscent of the one that tried murdering me and Twilight on our first foray into the book world.

“So that’s how she made it,” Twilight muttered.

“Not quite, Sparkle,” Athena said, suddenly appearing in front of us. The large blob of ink settled on the ground, jiggling slightly but not moving otherwise. Athena’s head tilted, looking behind Twilight, where the fruits were floating. “My my… It’s been quite some time since I had anything fresh in this little dimension of mine. My servants lack subtlety and dexterity, so most things are crushed when I get them.” Twilight floated the fruits her way. “I take it you need something?”

“One friend can’t be nice to another?” Twilight sheepishly asked, smiling nervously.

“We do need something, yeah,” I said. “Can you cancel a spell some monkeys put on me?”

“Perhaps. Did they turn you female, or was that your gender stones?”

“Gender stones. The monkeys made it so that I couldn’t be teleported.”

Athena’s head tilted again and suddenly I was several feet backwards. “No, they didn’t. They made it so you couldn’t be easily teleported. How inconvenient. Why would they do such a thing, I wonder…?”

“They turned me into a queen against my will,” I said, walking back up to the group. “And there was a water elemental there that very much wanted me to stay. So I guess they made sure I would stay.”

“Hm. I suppose since you brought me something nice, dispelling it would be a simple thing.”

“...So?” Taya asked after a few seconds of silence.

“I dispelled it as soon as I saw that he was infected, child,” Athena said, grabbing the fruits in a gnarled hand and walking off. “Though why would you desire to be teleported by their spells is unknown to me.”

“Better than getting ripped apart by pissed off spiders,” I said.

Athena instantly stopped, slowly turning back to us. “...Spiders?” she asked.

“Yeah. Big motherfuckers. Chaotic evil. Reminds me of drow, ac—”

Athena suddenly teleported in front of me, stopping me mid-word. “I dealt with a giant spider once, long ago.” She reached behind me and gently caressed a wing, very carefully fixing a feather that was out of alignment. Then she turned back and started walking away. What the fuck is wrong with her?

“Do you think it might be one of these?” Twilight asked.

“I very much doubt it,” Athena said, waving the empty hand. “Arachne would have surely died long ago.”

“Not quite,” I said. “The person we’re going to meet is a goddess named Arachne.”

Athena stopped again, slowly turning back. “Truly?”

“Yep. Don’t know if she has any relation to the one you knew, though.”

“Unlikely. The world is a very unsafe place. But then, I did curse her with a never-ending life. I suppose surviving would be possible, if she was stubborn enough.” She held the empty hand out again and was suddenly clutching a large folded quilt. “Give her this when you see her,” she said, suddenly back in my face. I took the quilt with a shrug. “Good luck, Navarone. Should this be the same Arachne, I fear you might need it.”

“Is she a bitch or something?” I asked.

“She was human, once. Long, long ago. In my younger days, I was… hot-headed. She insulted me and the power of several others like me. I didn’t take it well. She tried to escape my wrath by killing herself, but I cursed her before she could die, forcing her into the body of a spider and giving her an ageless life. Not true immortality, for she can still die, but never of old age or disease. I imagine she will recognize that quilt. Perhaps she will forgive an old being for a mistake made long ago.”

“You could come with us,” Twilight said. “Give your apology in person.”

“If I left this realm, I would turn to dust almost instantly. Such is my age, child. I was never meant to live this long.”

“Then how did Arachne do it?” Twilight asked.

“I suppose that will be a question you have to ask her, now won’t it?” Athena asked. “Now leave me. I have a date with a banana to meet.” Ugh, ewwww. She disappeared and I led the way to the book, shivering slightly at the thought.

Since I had my hands full with the quilt, Twilight opened the book for us, sending us all right back into the real world. “Well, that was creepy,” I said, tossing the quilt onto the bed.

“What? She was just going to eat a banana,” Twilight said.

“A lonely old lady that really likes fresh fruit. She gets one that fits perfectly into a place on her that probably hasn’t been touched for years. And then she has a date with it. How’s that not creepy?”

I could practically see the ‘processing’ sign on Twilight before she flinched back. “Eeeewwww! Nav, you’re disgusting! Ugh!”

“Yeah, I know.” I set the book back down in the chest and closed it. “Now see if you can teleport me.” She rolled her eyes and moved me a few feet. “Bitchin’.”

“If you say so. Now, I’m going to go let Aqua scrub that image out of my mind.”

“Have fun with that.” I grabbed a certain alicorn amulet from the chest and then closed it, shoving it against the wall again while she left. When it was put away, I walked over to where I left the spare ammo and magazines. I dragged it over to the bed and sat down again, Taya sitting next to me. Then I started refilling the magazines we had used up.

“So what’s with this quilt?” Taya asked, poking it.

“No clue. Athena’s fucking weird, though. I’m sure she has a reason.”

“Shouldn’t we… I don’t know, open it? What if it has a threat on it or something?”

“...Not a bad idea. Go for it.” Taya’s horn lit up and pulled the thing forward, unfolding it… and unfolding it… and unfolding it. “Jesus fuck, how the hell did she fold the thing up like that?”

“Magic?” As good an excuse as any.

After longer than it should have taken, the full quilt was laid out before us, an extremely masterful work of weaving. Each square, about half a meter by half a meter per square, had some form of demi-human doing something cruel to a regular human. Murder, rape, torture, general violence… all was represented.

“What the fuck?” I whispered, taking it all in.

“This is… weird,” Taya said, her eyes unable to stay in one place.

“But beautiful, in a sick way,” I said, reaching a hand out to caress one of the scenes. As soon as my hand touched it, my eyes slammed open and a memory perfectly imprinted itself into my mind, as though I had witnessed the dark act of murder within myself. “Fold it back,” I hissed, jerking my hand back.

“What’s wrong?” Taya asked, using magic to grab the hand.

“It’s cursed,” I said, balling that hand into a fist. “Fold it back, Taya.” She blinked before starting to fold it back with magic.

When it was finally done, she set it well away from us, on the other side of the room. “Did it hurt you?” she asked.

“No. It just… gave me the memory. I don’t know why Athena wants Arachne to have that dark thing, but I’m definitely not going to hold onto it.”

A knock at the door cut off whatever response Taya would have made. She opened it with magic, letting in a random crew fellow. “We’re nearly there, ma’am.”

“Wow, that was fast.”

“It wasn’t exactly far away.”

“Eh, fair point. Taya, grab the quilt.” She picked it right back up and we both hopped off the bed. “How far out are we?” I asked.

“Ten minutes.”

“Plenty of time,” I said, heading to the door. The crew fellow backed out and let us both into the hall. Taya and I led the way out. When we got to the deck, we quickly found that pretty much everyone was out and about, minus those that were asleep. The spiders were all holding onto the masts on either side, watching those under them with passive interest. Three of the five squads were present, as were all of my ‘specialized’ troops. “Spike, get that bag stowed away!” I called. He still had the bag from the monkeys right next to him.

“You got it,” he said, grabbing it and cutting off his conversation with Applejack and Fluttershy.

“Watcher, when we get over them, I want a full shield around the ship at all times.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And I want every pegasus but Fluttershy going with me. Also taking Gilda, Kumani, Taya, and Twilight. I want to be able to fight our way out if we have to.”

There was a general round of nodding until Twilight said, “Nav, I have an… idea. You probably don’t like it, but… We should ask Celestia to come.”

I blinked a few times, thinking about it. Finally, I shrugged and said, “Go for it. Send a message on Spike. But tell her that this is my show. She’s there to represent Equestria and that she has no power to command my troops.”

Twilight nodded. “Of course. I just thought it might be nice to let Princess Celestia forge her own pact with the spiders, or at least witness the peace between monkeys and spiders.”

“I know. And having her magic will be useful, if it comes to that. Now write out the message and give it to Spike when he gets back up. If she’s not here when we leave, she’s not going.”

“I understand.”

“Good. You!” I pointed to one of the spiders on the masts. “I want to talk to you. Get down here.” It started scuttling down the mast and toward me. “Can you get us into the capital?”

One of its legs pointed up to the mast, where the spidery flag was still flying. “That grants you right to enter, mistress. But the right to enter is not the same as the ability to enter.”

“Explain.”

“The guards at the entrance will be… less than willing to let you in. Bribing them might be necessary.”

“Can we just kill them instead?”

Seeing a spider blink is really strange, because about half of their face moves at the same time. “Yes. But only if they try to stop us.”

“Hear that, Taya? Go triggerhappy all you want on this one.”

“Yay!” God, that’s creepy.

Spike got back up at that point and started walking to me, but Twilight jumped in front of him. “Spike, send this to the princess.”

He took the scroll, looking at it. “Nav?”

“Go for it,” I said, nodding. He shrugged and sent it on. “Spike, you’re sitting this one out.”

“Aww, why?”

“So you can take some time off. I know you need it.”

“And you don’t?”

I smiled. “There ain’t no rest for the wicked, and there ain’t none as bad as me. Helm! How far out?”

“Five minutes!” the driver called.

“Watcher, your troops ready to go?”

“Yes ma’am. You want Rainbow Dash going?”

“Yes. Dash, suit—Oh.” I looked over and saw that she was already in her armor, grinning victoriously. “Twilight! Can you cast that wing spell twice?”

“Not and still be useful, no. I might be able to cast it once and still help.”

“Cast it on yourself, then. Saves someone from carrying you. Dash, you carry Taya.”

“What?! Why do I have to do it?” she angrily asked.

“Because you aren’t a fully trained guard,” I said. “And also because I said so. We’re on mission time, Dash. Follow orders or stay here.” She grumbled, but nodded.

And then a massive explosion of light wracked the ship, followed by Celestia appearing out of nowhere. “Ah, it feels good to be in the air again,” she said when she appeared.

“Good timing. Celestia, crew. Crew, Celestia. You bring paper?”

“No, but I always keep some stored in case I need it.”

“Bitchin’. Long story short, I’m the queen of some neutral good monkeys. We’re making peace with male-hating chaotic evil spiders. You’re mediating and possibly also making peace or whatever. Cool?”

“Hm. Chaotic evil? Are you sure peace is wise?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. I just need a lawfully binding document to bring back so I can force an elemental to help me. Honestly, you’re mostly here as muscle.”

“Oh. In that case, I can help. Consider it a step toward paying off an immense debt.”

“Yeah sure, whatever. Taya, put this on.” I passed her the alicorn amulet.

“Are… you sure, mommy?” she asked, her eyes widening.

“Nope.” I put it around her neck for her.

“Is that the alicorn amulet?” Celestia asked, getting closer.

“Yep. Found it in a magical bazaar that appears only when it’s needed.”

“Oh, that place is still around? Hm. I need to contact some ponies… Did you happen to get the name of the shopkeeper?”

“Nah. It was some old bitch, looked like a gypsy. That reminds me that I got another artifact there, though. Have fun, mingle, learn the situation, whatever. I’ll be up in a minute.”

“It is about time I had a talk with my student,” she said as I walked back to the door going down. Thankfully, Taya didn’t follow me, not that it would have mattered. It just would have been inconvenient to walk around her. Anyway, I just grabbed the horn from my room and got back up less than a minute later, attaching the thing to my belt.

Everything was pretty much exactly the way I left it, thankfully enough. I walked back over to Taya and Spike. “So why’s Celestia here?” Spike quietly asked.

“Muscle. And I mean, come on. It’s Celestia. If that spider bitch is going to care about seeing any of us, it’ll probably be her.”

“Mommy, are you sure about that?” Taya asked. “I mean, didn’t Athena say Arachne was a human or something?”

“I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention. Judging on that quilt, though, probably. Either way, maybe with both of us, we can overawe her or something.”

“That seems silly, mommy.”

“I’m a silly person. Spike, keep an eye on the ship. You’re the only one I’m leaving here that can fly.”

“No problem. No spiders getting past this dragon!”

“Good. Taya, that amulet making you evil yet?”

“Maybe. I guess we’ll find out when I try to take it off.”

“Alright. Just remember, if you try fighting, I’ll have to put makeup on you and dress you up in a frilly dress while we talk about boys.”

She shivered. “Mommy, you’re evil.”

“Yeah.” I turned back to the helm. “How close are we?”

“You can see it from here,” he said, pointing ahead of us.

I turned toward the front and blinked. “Man, how did I miss that?” A massive spire of wood and web jutted out from the ground, aiming high into the sky. “Hm. ‘If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.’”

“What was that, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Just… something from my world. That thing is huge.”

“Indeed it is, Navarone,” Celestia said, walking to stand next to me. “Are you sure you want peace with these creatures? Violence is not generally my way, but I’ve spoken at length with Twilight about these spiders through letters. It might be best if we…”

I was shaking my head. “What gods are we, Celestia, to decide the fate of an entire species? Would you tear this tower down and repeat the dark past? Do as Chaos did and sow terror and confusion among a race?”

“...No. But I would like to know about that past you’re talking about. Anything you know or have legends about might be helpful in defeating him.”

“Then we can talk after we finish here,” I said. “As long as you’re willing to share information, that is. Nothing’s for free, Celestia.”

“I understand, Nav. Is it bad that I truly believe I would rather be here with you on this ship, rather than in Canterlot?”

“Abdicate the throne, then,” I answered with a shrug, walking away. “Watcher, any movement?”

“That tower’s crawling with them, ma’am,” he answered.

“Any hostile movement?”

“...They’re spiders, Nav. I think everything they do is hostile.”

“Fair enough. Helm, that’s close enough!” The ship began slowing down, leaving us a few hundred meters from the tower. “How do we get in?” I asked, turning to one of the spiders with us. I flinched when I saw her standing creepily close to my back. Fuck, how did she move so quietly?

“Down the top, mistress. Or find a hole somewhere on the side. The guards will be on the bottom, before you get into the actual tunnel.”

“...Can we make a hole?” I asked, putting my hand on my sword.

“That also works, yes.”

“Celestia, my right. Kumani, right behind me. Dash, my left. Everyone else, figure something out and make sure to look as threatening as possible. Guards, watch after Dash and Twilight.”

I got a number of nods, then turned and jumped off the side, drawing my sword and grinning a dark smile.

Chapter One Hundred and Six—The First Curse

Chapter One Hundred and Six—The First Curse

The others spread out behind me as I had ordered, taking up positions. I wasn’t aiming at any particular part of the overly large tower, and it was hella hard to miss, so I just collided with a blank section that didn’t have any spiders on it. The thing was horribly sticky and just overall nasty as hell, so I made sure to cut through it as quickly as possible. Thankfully, Excalibur made short work of it.

Soon enough, I had a hole large enough for Celestia to fit her fat ass through. I led the way inside once more, basically just freefalling down the tunnel of web, the sword still grasped in my hand. The others followed, mostly doing the same thing I was doing. Sadly enough, the freefall ended quickly, with a large group of spiders at the bottom with a web over the main cave entrance.

“What brings you here, outsiders?” the gatekeeper asked.

“I come with a message for your goddess,” I said as the others got into some manner of arrangement behind me.

“Why would she care what you have to say?”

“I’m the queen of the monkeys.”

“Hm, I see. Capture her!”

“Taya, light ‘em up!” Every single spider down there fucking disintegrated. “...Alright, new backup plan: Kill everything.”

“I like that plan,” Kumani said. “Can we forget the main plan and use the backup one instead?”

“I’ll think about it. Now would someone kindly remove this gate?” Kumani blew a wad of fire onto it, destroying the whole thing of webbing and sending a small torrent of flames further down into the tunnel. “Thanks, babe. Shall we?”

Celestia’s horn lit up, extinguishing the remnants of the flames. “Until we decide to go with plan B, I suggest taking care, dragon.” Kumani just snorted and I jumped on down into the tunnel, not feeling like dealing with their bullshit. After all, it wouldn’t be any skin off my back if we ended up killing the shit out of the spiders.

We passed several spiders on the way down, though none tried to stop us. Still, the fall was like a kaleidoscope of colors, with all the different kinds of spiders we passed. Of course, I didn’t really pay attention to most of them, since I was too busy falling in style.

It wasn’t until I was in the cave system proper that I realized the spiders down there would have no way of knowing what flag we flew or if we belonged. My only hope was that they wouldn’t care or wouldn’t notice us. Although going unnoticed was fairly unlikely, given that we had a fucking dragon and a large flying white horse with a glimmering, billowing mane. In fact, I could see that we attracted attention just by entering the main system.

Not that we stopped long enough for them to do anything. As soon as I got my bearings and had the time to wonder just how many massive caverns existed on the world, we were flying off toward the biggest structure there that I could see, one that went from the top of the cave to the very bottom.

“And this Arachne is within that tower?” Celestia asked.

“Sure hope so, because that’s where we’re going,” I said. “Taya, you still got that quilt?”

“Yes, mommy!” she called over the rushing wind.

“Celestia, quick warning,” I called as we flew. “This chick probably knows true magic, not those bullshit spells you forced on the ponies. So be ready to counter her, because Taya doesn’t know it well yet and I can’t even do the basics.”

“Noted!” Man, Celestia is damn near unfazeable sometimes. Eh, I’m sure I’ll trip her up soon.

Since I didn’t want to create too much of a disturbance by straight up breaking into a temple, I landed in front of the main entrance. My group walked up to the massive golden doors, each heavily engraved with things that I immediately disregarded. There were several guards outside the doors, each staring at us as we got closer.

“Purpose of visit?” one asked.

“We wish to pay our respects to Goddess Arachne, and deliver two messages,” I said.

“Check your grievances at the door, outlanders,” the guard said. “Should you attempt violence within her court, expect immediate and violent retribution.”

“Noted,” I answered, sheathing my sword. The doors very slowly pushed open on their own, allowing us entrance. We all entered, making sure to watch each other’s back in case we got attacked. Between Celestia, Twilight, and Taya with the amulet, I figured we could all get teleported out of that place with no real issue. After we killed a bunch of bastards, at least.

Finding the goddess wasn’t overly hard, all things told. I mean, she was the giant withered spider in the middle of the large room on a tall pedestal, each of her five remaining legs locked in some kind of sockets. Her three eyes opened to face us as we walked, complete and total apathy painted on them. Twenty bucks says she’d incinerate me if I hugged her.

I opened my mouth to say something, but a low rumble stopped me. Most of my group looked around the room in confusion, but Celestia and I just watched the goddess as her mandibles slowly moved. “Young and impetuous mortal, come to visit the undying,” she croaked, her voice like ashes falling from a fire. “What seeketh you?” I think she was looking at me, but I might have been wrong.

“...What language was that?” Celestia whispered. Welp, she was looking at me.

“I come seeking peace between spiders and monkeys,” I said.

“No. How cometh you to know this language?”

“I was born when it was still spoken. Then I sorta skipped a few years. Now, here I am.”

“...Curious. You will look good among my slaves.” I heard a click coming from the pedestal and suddenly thirty guards descended from the ceiling, all aiming at me.

“Taya, above!” She looked up and the spiders were once again instantly incinerated. “Look, spider bitch, we’re here for peace. It would be really convenient if you did this the easy way for us,” I said.

“Think you that you can kill me? Kill the undying? Cursed by a god and betrayed by a demon? I cannot be killed!”

“Yeah, but I bet you can go mad. If we kill all of your servants and shit and then bury your ass down here, you’d get awful bored real quick.”

“You… threaten… me?” she asked, slowly standing up.

“Well, you just tried to enslave me, so I figure it’s only fair.”

“I would destroy your mind in an instant, human. It would be a fitting end, to one of your kind.”

“Hey, rumor has it that you were one of us, once. Born that way, actually. Then a certain Athena decided she didn’t like your tone.”

“You DARE!?”

I felt one of Celestia’s wings on my back as the spider strained at the bindings holding her in place. “Whatever you’re saying, it’s not working,” she quietly said.

“Yeah, I dare!” I yelled, pulling away from Celestia. “I spoke with Athena. She’s still alive and kicking, Arachne. And don’t think she’s forgotten you.”

“Tell me where she is and I might let you leave this place, daughter of Eve!”

I looked back. “Taya, the quilt.” She slowly floated the folded blanket over to Arachne, who looked upon it with complete disinterest, until…

“This is my work…” Taya gasped as her telekinetic spell around the quilt was broken, taken over by the spider.

Celestia’s breath caught as well and I suddenly felt one of her hooves coming to my shoulder, drawing me back. “We shouldn’t have come here,” she whispered.

“After so long, how could such a simple thing survive?” Arachne quietly asked.

“Our second message is from Athena, who begs for forgiveness,” I said. The quilt slowly unfolded and continued doing so until the massive thing was open, showing off the dark scenes within for all to see.

“So long… But she destroyed it! I watched her with my own eyes!”

“And yet here it is, imbued with a magic of its own,” I said.

“Here… it… is,” she slowly said, casually ripping one of the locks out of the floor and caressing it with a leg. I swear I saw her mandibles lift up in what might have been a smile as the magic within the quilt hit her. “Why now, human?” she finally asked, looking back at me.

“That, I understood,” Celestia whispered. Strange.

“Because Athena lives in a realm she can’t leave, locked away lest she die from the ravages of time.”

“She hasn’t my curse, it seems,” the spider said. “But then, Athena never had many dealings with the being of chaos.”

“You know him?” I asked.

“That monster found me not long after Athena’s dark curse wormed its way into my soul. He offered a fix for my curse, at a price.”

“Then… how are you still alive?”

“He betrayed me. His price was that most of my offspring would be as unforgiving as I. Since I didn’t plan to survive long, I readily took it. He fixed my curse… To him, agelessness without true immortality was a crime most dear. So he made me undying.”

“Man, what a dick.”

“I’ve wanted him dead for all of my life and yet his death still eludes me. I know he is free and alive, laughing at my suffering. This feeble body can barely move, so I fear his death will never be at my hands.”

Celestia stepped forward. “Arachne, he is not a being of chaos. He is a being of discord, of conflict. If your kind are unforgiving and you yourself cannot even forgive an offense, he will continue to fester and grow in strength. Your kind is in open war against even itself, is it not? What better way for him to grow powerful than spending time within your kingdom?”

“What proof do you have, young horse? How can you seek to judge me?”

“Because my kind has stopped him once and he has cursed me and my sister as well. We killed him with artifacts called the elements of harmony, designed to destroy discord and hate in whatever they hit.” Man, wish we had those things with us for this spider bitch. “They locked him within stone for over six thousand years. He only recently escaped.”

“You killed him, and yet still he lives. I have sent armies after him and gotten back only tattered remnants. I fear there truly is no killing this entity.”

“You’ve tried war,” I said. “Have you ever tried peace?”

“...No. After the fires of man destroyed most life, peace reigned for some time. But he came back anyway. His power has grown and shrunk as time went on, but never once has he become as weak as he was after the swan song of the humans. I fear we would have to eradicate all life in order to kill him. What better way than with war?”

“And then you will remain,” Celestia said. “You alone, immortal and undying, sustaining him with the hatred in your heart.”

“Should we be together alone, I can be comforted that we will spend an eternity suffering together. He wants to die as much as I want to kill him.”

“I’m down for helping out with that,” I said. “Anyway, I’m working with some people to get together some things to help stop him again. But to get one of the things I need, I need the spiders to stop attacking the monkeys.”

“What is it that you need from them, human?”

“Water elemental that’s pretending to be a goddess.”

The next thing I knew, I was standing right in front of the spider chick. My eyes widened in surprised as she poked me in the stomach with one of her very sharp legs, her leg just seeping right through the armor like it wasn’t there and drawing blood. She brought the leg back out, coated in the amber substance, and then I was standing back next to Celestia, who immediately drew a leg around me again and pulled me close, chanting something in a low voice.

I was too busy pressing a hand against my stomach to check for damage. The armor was unpierced and it didn’t hurt, so I looked back up to Arachne. She pulled a stone tablet out of nowhere and pressed the leg with my blood on it against it. My eyes widened as the blood flowed down her leg and onto the tablet. After a few seconds passed, she tossed the thing down to me, where it hit the ground with a clatter.

“Take it and leave.”

I slowly reached down and grabbed the stone slab, lifting it up and looking it over. I could barely read in the dim light, but it was basically a peace treaty written in my blood. Creepy as hell. Why did it have to be my blood?

“Do you have a reply for Athena?” I asked, looking up.

Arachne grabbed the quilt and slowly spread it out, looking over the scenes of violence and destruction. After a few seconds, the quilt caught fire and began burning. “Apology accepted.”

The quilt lit up in a massive flash of light, the flame instantly consuming it and lighting the entire chamber. All the hidden guards shrieked in pain and all of us flinched back as well. After the flash faded and I blinked enough of the spots out of my eyes that I could see again, I actually gasped in surprise, looking up at the dias.

“Human,” I whispered, taking a step forward.

Arachne the human slowly lifted her hands up, gazing at them in either horror or fascination, it was hard to tell. “What. Is. This?” she hissed, jerking her hands down and glaring at me.

Oh yeah, that was horror. “I don’t know! I’m just a messenger!”

The way she was suddenly wreathed in darkness made me suspect that she held the notion that no answer—and no returning messenger—was just as powerful as a fifteen page report. I don’t know why she was so upset, because she actually looked pretty good for her age.

“Is this Athena’s idea of a JOKE?! Lock me in a body for an eternity and then just as suddenly rip it away?”

“She removed her curse, did she not?” Celestia asked.

“I was content!”

“You were miserable!”

The darkness surged out from the angry goddess. “I was content in my misery!”

Before the dark shroud could cover us, light erupted from Celestia, casting the shadows back. “You will not harm us, Arachne!”

“No, I will kill you!”

“Now might be a good time to leave,” I said, backing up to our group.

“We saved you from yourself!” Celestia shouted, the light slowly forcing itself forward.

“I would rather die as myself than be forced to change!” the human chick hissed, the shadows moving forward and starting to enclose us around the bubble of light Celestia was casting.

“Then you would never die. You were made immortal! Better to live eternally in happiness than trudge on in endless misery!”

“Better to live as what I made myself than live as a plaything of others!” The bubble of light around us began to shrink. I could barely see the naked form of Arachne taking a step toward us.

In response, Celestia took a step back. “You were turned into that spider!” Celestia said. “That wasn’t what you made yourself.”

“It was how I was comfortable! I had power, I had strength, I had servants, I had cruelty!”

“And now you have a future!” The shadows receded slightly. “Before, you lived as you were made, cursed into the body of a spider. Now, you are as you should be, once again deciding your own fate, how you shall live or what you shall be. You are powerful and can change any way you like. Would you so quickly slip back into your old ways, the ways that caused you to be cursed in the first place? Your future is your own, Arachne. Do not squander it as you squandered your past.”

Arachne narrowed her eyes. That was the only warning we had before Celestia’s bubble buckled and broke. The shadows consumed us… and we all appeared on the surface, blinking and looking around in confusion.

“Now would be an excellent time to leave,” Celestia said, lifting her wings.

“Agreed. Dash, grab Taya! Everyone, to the ship!” I spread my wings and jumped, the stone peace treaty still in my arms. They all obeyed, following me to the ship. There were no sign of spiders aside from the tower until we got to the ship, and then it was only the five I was still planning on kicking out. “Gourd, full fucking speed! Anywhere that isn’t here!”

“Negotiations go bad?” Watcher asked as the ship kicked in and started moving.

“Bad is a word for it. Full defense! Taya, get that amulet off.” She moved a shaking hoof to slowly force it off. I snatched it as soon as it was over her horn. “Watcher, make sure nothing gets through. Celestia, come with me. Taya, Twilight, help Watcher.” I wanted to make sure our ship was completely safe.

“So where are we going?” Celestia asked as we entered the bowels of the ship.

“To talk to Athena and ask if she knew Arachne was fucking batshit insane.”

“Nav, you don’t get to be my age—or their ages—without going slightly insane.”

“...Imagine how Discord feels,” I said, opening my door. She didn’t reply and I just popped the chest open, pulling out the ancient book and dropping in the amulet. I carried it over to the bed. “Stand next to me.”

“What’s going to happen?” she asked, moving to my side.

“I hope you like calamari,” I just answered, opening the book. We both got sucked inside by the freaky tentacles.

Before I could call for Athena, she appeared before me, the hand with the weird gauntlet thing on my lips. The other hand was on Celestia’s, gently silencing us both. “I take it that Arachne did not appreciate my gift?”

“She was less than enthusiastic,” I wryly said when she pulled away her hands.

Celestia gently bowed her head. “Hello, Athena. I am Princess Celestia.”

“I know. Did she try to kill you?”

“Not kill,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “That was a mind wipe, I believe.”

“Ah, I see.” We disappeared from that spot and reappeared down below, in the study. “Tell me, Celestia. Do you like bananas?”

“I’m partial to them.”

“I will add it to the notes,” Athena said, sitting and summoning a banana from somewhere. She peeled it open and started pecking at it.

“So uh… What’s the deal with Arachne?” I asked. “Is she gonna come after us?”

“I don’t know. She and her kind don’t use books that often, so I have very little information about the spiders or her. It’s a shame, truly. I know all about both of you, or at least what you would have been if you weren’t ripped from time.” That part was addressed to me, I think. “But about the one soul intertwined with mine, I know very little.”

“Well, let me give you a crash course,” I said. “She’s a fucking psycho bitch.”

“Then little has changed, at least. I suppose that time does not, in fact, change us all. Is she human again, at least?”

“Indeed she is,” Celestia said, nodding. “And none too pleased about it.”

“No, I wouldn’t imagine she would be.” When she said that, I really felt like reaching over there and slapping her upside the face. But then I remembered that she could turn me inside out with just a thought and decided against it. “Did you discover how she managed to survive this long?”

“Chaos,” I answered. “She made a deal with him.”

“Those deals do tend to go quite poorly,” she said, nodding. “At least, historically. Mordred lost his soul and his life just for a hint of revenge that didn’t even succeed. The air elementals gained a small amount of humor at the cost of being imprisoned alongside those they tricked. Miguel was healed at the cost of a favor that got him killed. Blueblood regained his looks at the cost of his sanity.”

“That explains much,” Celestia muttered, sighing.

“Moonbeam sold her humanity for the ability to have children.” Humanity? “And there was a monastery of monks and priests formed by Chaos to worship you, Celestia. They lived in secrecy, hidden away in old China, plotting to assassinate all other alicorns. He betrayed them, destroying them in the process. He’s been very active lately, causing all sorts of mischief.”

“Such as?” Celestia asked.

“Not all knowledge is free, child,” Athena said. “Answering your question would not help you beat Discord.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “You never know what might be useful.”

“I’m quite positive.” Her head shot toward Celestia’s back and she was suddenly riding the horse. Celestia flinched and looked back, her eyes going wide as Athena traced one of the feathers. “You remind me of a mount I had so very long ago. Pegasus was his name, I believe. He wasn’t mine for very long, though. Oh, how time flies… And so did he, as I recall.” Her hands gently corrected a few feathers before she appeared next to Celestia, patting her on the side. “The golems just dropped off more books. Leave me.”

The next thing we knew, we were standing back in front of the book that acted as the exit. Celestia’s eyes were very wide, which was a rather uncommon sight. I just smiled and cracked the book open, letting it consume us both again.

“She is… crazy,” Celestia said while I put up the book, her voice slightly haunted. “Absolutely insane and horrifyingly powerful.”

“Yeah, she sure is.” I closed the chest and sat on the bed. “So, how are things in Canterlot? Having fun with that political shitstorm I left you?”

“Are you dating that dragon?”

“Yep. Why?”

“Because I was going to use you to relieve some stress. A shame. Do you have any useful information to give me?”

“Depends on your definition of useful. I found out that my sword is an ancient human artifact called Excalibur that was actually designed by one of the last human mages to fight Discord, but I don’t know its full capabilities yet. I know that he purposefully tried to kill off true magic in the humans so he would have less problems oppressing the people.”

“That is… not very good news.”

“Yeah, I can imagine why you’d think that. Starswirl wasn’t very happy about helping you with that, was he?”

“He was not, no.”

“And I bet he wouldn’t have been very happy to learn that you had Luna ready to fucking deep six his ass, either.”

“...You are correct; he would not have been.”

“So how hard is this shit to learn, then? I found a primer and Athena offered to teach me more if I can get past it, but my faith is absolutely shot at this point.”

“It relies almost entirely upon faith, Nav. You must truly believe that you can do what you’re trying. Truly, it can’t be taught. Once you know how to do it, all that remains is doing it. Much information and anatomy needs to be known to actually make some of it work, which is why your internal organs are… fused as they are. Chrysalis and I… didn’t know how to put you back together while we were healing you. We made it work, though.”

“Yep. So what do you know about Discord, then?”

“He treats it all like a game, Nav. He doesn’t care about winning or losing, he just wants to play. I suppose he wants to find some way to relieve the boredom of such a long life.”

“Yeah, probably. Well, I’m perfectly willing to relieve him of that long life.”

“I know the elements of harmony were actually created by him, hidden away in the chamber in which you found your ring, the key, and the gender stones. All were created by him, I believe. He just gave them to us to even out the playing field, to make losing possible. After all, what’s the fun in just winning?”

“Well, at least he does that. Still sounds like a fucking dick.”

“Quite. I know you have never met him in person, but—”

“Dude, yes I have. He asked me about some dead guy named Grogar back in Stalingrad.”

“...Grogar? He disappeared centuries ago! No matter. Do you believe it might be possible to reform Discord? Surely his powers could be used for good rather than for ill.”

“Celestia, he wants to die. And honestly, I want to kill him. And I’m in good company with a lot of other people that want to kill him. I say we just pop a cap in this mofo and call it a day. Besides, that’s fucking retarded. Dude’s ancient, literally a manifestation of conflict. How the hell do you think you can reform something that by its very nature can’t be good?”

“Yes, I suppose it would be impossible. But it’s still a nice thought.”

“I’m not going to be thinking much in the way of nice thoughts for someone that murdered my people.”

“You are not alone, Nav. He killed the alicorns as well, save for me and my sister.”

“...Then why try to reform him?”

“So he could hopefully undo what he did and bring the alicorn race back.”

“Eh. You could just try asking nicely.” Or do what I’m going to do and just go back in time. But you don’t need to know about that yet.

“I could, but I have a feeling he would say no. Now, we need to have a short talk, I believe.”

“Short means quick, right? I got shit to do.”

“Hopefully, yes. Arachne was, as we found, a human. Was she typical of your kind?”

“Nah, that bitch had a bee in her bonnet or something. She really needed to get laid, I swear.”

“So you say. But do you remember what she said?”

“She said a lot of things. Most of them were fucking crazy.”

She smiled. “It’s good to hear you say that. Because much of what she said is exactly what you have said.”

“Yeah, but she’s evil. I’m closer to neutral. It’s all a matter of morality.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly. “To a good, there is white and then there is black.”

“Hey, only if you’re lawful. If you’re closer to—”

She shook her head. “Enough of this talk, Navarone. Do you not see that she is you in another hundred years? The bitterness and hate that consumes her can just as easily eat your soul as well. Or the loneliness and isolation of Athena could be your fate, instead. Do you not see it? See the similarities even now?”

“Not really, no. I mean, what am I looking for, here?”

“Think, Nav. Remember our conversations, what we’ve spoken of. Remember when I offered to change you, to rip away your dark memories. Don’t you remember your words to me?”

I flinched slightly, recalling that dark time. “...I do. But that isn’t a thing of morals, Celestia, not black, white, or grey. That is the essence of the indomitable human will. Ask Athena and she would give you the same answer. Attempt to change who we are at your own peril, even if the change might make us happy. Stop thinking of me like I’m a pony. Think of me as a truly alien mind, one that you can get close to but never truly understand.”

“If I have learned anything in my long life, it is that saying ‘never’ is unwise. And don’t ever think that you aren’t worth it, Nav. I think what you’re saying is an excuse, something to make us not even try.” And here I was, thinking she had actually read my journals. “You’re more similar to us than you’d admit. Not the same, no, but not as different as you pretend.”

“Okay.”

That upset her a little, as I suspected it would. “Are you truly willing to risk going down their paths of misery and isolation? Navarone, I have been down that path. It is… haunting. Terrible. I was able to escape, but I wasn’t able to do it alone. Only through the love of my sister was I—”

“My sister is dead, Celestia. A million or more years gone. There are none as isolated as I am. This path is one I walk alone, unfettered by the morals and ideals of my people. I am who I am, not by the molding or changing of any family or loved ones.”

“Taya would disagree.”

“...I’m sure she would.”

“And I would disagree. You have friends, Nav. Friends that love you. And others that would love you in other ways. And your guest in your head, she is like a mother to you. You are not as alone as you pretend you are.” Or wish I was. “For your sake and for the sakes of those that love you, don’t take the same path as those that came before. The same path to which I fell victim. The same path from which Luna is still recovering. You saw what it did to their hearts.”

“And I see that you are just as depressed and lonely as your sister. You just hide it better.”

“As I said, I fell victim to it. But I am recovering, Nav. I found solace in you and in my student. Luna found solace in her own version of you, which is still a form of loneliness. You did not know me for long before, but I changed after spending time with you, Twilight, and Luna after her return. I’m much different than I was.”

Wonder if you were more devious before. “That’s nice, I guess. I’m probably not going to change, Celestia. I rather doubt Flo will let me turn evil or whatever. And you know my crew wouldn’t.”

“I’m not worried about what’ll happen any time soon, Nav. I’m worried about what will happen when you no longer have a purpose in life. What you will do when you’re like me, just living day to day. When your quest is done and there’s nothing left, you’ll be idle. That is when you will find who you truly are. And I’m very afraid that I already know what you’ll find.”

“That’s a road that I can cross when I come to it.”

“Indeed it is. But I’m trying to give you the opportunity to look both ways, so you won’t be blindsided when you do cross it. Talk to me, Nav. If not now, then later, through letters or dreams, if we have to. But please, let me help you however you need. Don’t ever hesitate to ask. I don’t want to lose you as Arachne lost herself.”

“...I’ll think about it.”

“I suppose that is all I can ask.” And probably about as much as you expected. We shared a small silence before she sighed and asked, “Did you learn anything else on your travels that I might need to know?”

“There are some ghosts that are fucking evil. Watch out for them.”

She nodded. “I will certainly do my best. But if there is nothing more pertaining to Discord, I believe I have some explaining to do for my element bearers.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty pissed. I do have one quick question before you bail, though. Is Luna coming for me?”

“No, Navarone. She’s in a place where she can’t harm any other innocents. You probably won’t see her for another hundred years or so.”

“That’s a hundred years too soon, if you ask me.”

“I will ask your opinion then. If you’re still upset, I might ask her to stay longer.”

“Bitchin’. You need anything else?”

She shook her head. “Not for now, Nav. We may talk more before I leave, if you’re willing. And… thank you for keeping me included. This is my fight as well, even if I can’t be as involved as I would like. It’s just a shame about Luna.”

“Eh. See you, sunbutt.”

“Stay in touch,” she said with a nod, walking on out and probably accidentally flashing her lady parts. Either way, I got a nice gander at them before leaning back for a few seconds, enjoying the silence.

When I was done with that, I grabbed the slab from its position on the bed and walked back out, up to the deck. “Gourd, put us on a course with the monkey kingdom,” I called.

“Already on the way, ma’am,” he called back.

“Excellent. Spike, I got something for you to do.”

“What do you need?” he asked, cutting off his conversation with Gilda.

“When we get there, find the vizier and drop this off. Tell him one of the conditions of the peace treaty was that I stayed behind. That might be easier than me going down there and escaping. This way, you can just say that you decided to go on with the mercenaries so you can fight to forget your lady love or some bullshit.”

“Doesn’t that seem… kinda cruel?”

“Spike, I don’t give two fucks. I’ve spent far too long on this continent. We should have been out of this place a week ago. Just drop the fucker off, get Brook, get anything else you need or want, and get out.”

“Uh… Okay, I guess.”

Gourd appeared at my side. “I couldn’t help but overhear. Sir, we could use them for supplies. We don’t need too much to top off our stores, but some extra fresh fruit would be nice for the crew. If they’re in a rewarding mood after the news about peace, they might be willing to let us get some things. And since I think someone might be pilfering supplies, it would be good to make sure we’re fully stocked.”

“Well, Spike’s going to be taking Watcher and a few pegasi anyway. I don’t see the harm in gathering some supplies. And take a few guards, find whoever’s stealing. If they have a good reason, tell them to knock that shit off. If they don’t, tell Watcher if it’s a guard and me if it’s not one of your six.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Anything in particular you want me to grab?” Spike asked me.

“Dude, as long as it’s not more travelers, I don’t give a fuck. Watcher, got a sec?”

“What do you need?” he asked, walking over.

“When we get to the monkey place, go with Spike, drop the thing off, grab the elemental and whatever supplies they’re willing to part with, and get back up here.”

“You got it, ma’am. What if they’re pissed about you not being there?”

“Tell them it was part of the deal or whatever, that I said peace for my subjects is more important than my own happiness. Just make up some super sappy bullshit. If I got them to believe I was a good queen, I’m sure you can figure something out.”

“Yes ma’am. Are you going to be handling the protection on the ship?”

“Nah. I think a long talk with Kumani is probably warranted. And then I want to hear Zecora talk without rhyming. I bet it’s adorable.”

“It’s definitely… different,” he said, shrugging. "Enjoy your talk, I suppose.”

“Oh, I think I will, if you know what I—” A rolled up newspaper came out of nowhere and slapped me across the face. “Good, you remembered. See you.”

They all said their goodbyes as I went over to Kumani. Before I could say anything to her, she grabbed me and started dragging me down below. “So it’s been a little while since we talked,” I said as she dragged me.

She didn’t reply.

“I’m sorry for not being able to talk sooner. Things have been busy and unfortunately, family comes first.”

Not a word.

“I’m… also sorry for letting you think I was dead?”

“I can smell Spike all over you.” Oh boy. She threw me into her room and followed me in, closing the door behind her.

I landed on the bed. “We were in close proximity the entire time, so that’s probably why.”

“I can smell him on your wings.”

“He carried me a few times. I got hurt and the monkeys refused to let me exert myself.”

“I smell him in your clothes.”

“He carried them for me a few times, too. Again, they didn’t let me exert myself.”

“I smell him in your breath. Did he carry your tongue, too?”

“...We had to pretend to be lovers.” At her glare, I held up my hands and hastily said, “It was either pretend with him or fuck a monkey!”

“Armor. Off.”

I began peeling out of it, my wings twitching. “I never let it go too far. We kissed a few times and we shared a bed, but nothing untoward!”

“I don’t know what that word means. Take it off faster.” My wings just drooped and I began pulling it off properly.

As soon as I got all of it off, I just stood before her, looking away, dressed solely in the admittedly sexy lingerie the monkeys made me. “Whoa. Where did… that come from?”

“The monkeys,” I said, still not looking at her.

She shrugged and pushed me back onto the bed. Before I could stop her or ask what she was doing, she pulled my legs open and thrust her face between them, sniffing viciously.

“I don’t smell him down here,” she finally said. I sighed in relief. “How fortunate for him. That is a kiss that only we can share. Though I would much prefer toying with something longer, harder, and more filling. Make sure to change back soon.”

I tried to answer, but it… didn’t work very well. I quickly learned why Kumani’s ‘punishments’ were a lot of fun.

When I was able to walk again, I first went to my room to change into something that wasn’t body armor and soiled lingerie. And since no one was waiting for me in my room and since Taya wasn’t in her room, I went up to the deck, where apparently a party was underway.

“What’s with all this?” I asked to myself, not expecting me to answer.

“Spike’s wing-tastic party!” Pinkie answered, popping up in front of me. “And both of your ‘We’re still alive and also a perfect couple but hiding behind our friendship and feelings’ party!”

“Pinkie, you are not the love doctor.”

“Yeah, I know. Now come party!”

“...Nah. I think I’m gonna go find Cele—” Pinkie pointed to the deck, where Celestia was standing with Spike. “Oh. Then nah, I think I’m gonna go find Ta—” She pointed somewhere else, where Taya was standing with Zecora. “Dammit. Nah, I think I’m gonna—” She somehow grabbed my arm and pulled me into the small group of ponies that actually showed up for the ‘party’.

“It’s your party too, Nav,” she said, practically throwing me at Spike. “So have fun!”

“What’s with her?” Spike asked, catching me and making sure I didn’t fall off the fucking side.

“Bitch is crazy,” I said, pulling away from him. “You two having fun, at least?”

“It is better than sitting in the palace dealing with nobles,” Celestia answered. “Though it doesn’t seem that much of your crew is interested in partying.”

“Yeah… most of my crew is ex-guard or ex-slave, so they don’t really do parties. Doppel usually hosts impromptu orgies whenever Pinkie hosts one of these, so the soldiers can blow off steam until it’s safe to go back on deck.”

“...Why don’t I get invited?” Spike asked.

“Because I made that up,” I said. “She’s right over there, hitting on Dash.” I nodded to our side, where a very red-faced Rainbow Dash was backing away from a hungry-looking Doppel. “Celestia, you want to kill some stress, feel free to borrow her for a few minutes.”

“I’ll pass, thank you. If I wanted somepony as loose as she is, I have a standing offer from Fleur.”

“Hey, Doppel can give herself a dick. And if you’re worried about sleeping with a slut, I think you need to remember all of your nights with me.” And that got Spike to blush.

“Nav, you enjoy sex. That’s understandable. Doppel and Fleur are insatiable. That’s disgusting.”

“Eh, if you say so. Anyway, what do you think of Spike’s wings?”

She reached a hoof out to gently pull one of them open. “They definitely fit you, Spike. I had a feeling you would grow in many ways on this trip. I expected there would be more mental growth than physical, but I’m still very proud of you.”

Spike sheepishly grinned and looked away. “I couldn’t have done it without Nav, Princess. You should be thanking her as much as me.”

“...Her.” Celestia looked back over at me. “I was really wondering about that, Nav. Why are you like this, again?”

I pointed up to where the spiders were standing upside down on the balloon, watching the party with either confusion or disinterest. “They have almost no respect for any male. At all. I had the gender stones and I needed to deal with them, so now I’m a chick. As soon as we drop those fuckers off and get off the continent, it’ll be back to normal with me. And it won’t be soon enough, either. I swear, I keep getting these weird… urges.” My eyes flinched to Spike for a short moment before I shivered.

“Ah, I see. That’s certainly understandable. Just remember that all the items Discord made are cursed. We may not know just what the curse is, but try not to rely on them too much.”

“Once I turn back, I’ll stay back for a good while. Being a female human sucks, especially once they start bleeding from their vag.”

They both blinked a few times. “Wait, what?” Spike asked.

“Not important. I’ll be turning back soon. Anyway, you’re the one that got you those wings, Spike. You really don’t need to thank me for them.”

“Nav… without you, I wouldn’t be here. I might not even be alive, with my diet. I wouldn’t know anything about dragons, I wouldn’t have so many awesome friends, I wouldn’t have had any adventures…” He wrapped his scaley arms around me without warning, pulling me into a hug. Then his wings joined his arms. “Thank you,” he quietly whispered.

I really didn’t quite know what to do in that situation. My body felt… awkward as fuck and a blush came to my face. Truth be told, I wanted to push him away, but I don’t think that would have been a good idea. After all, he had the ponies’ mentality, and might be somewhat upset if I denied a hug like that.

So I just silently hugged him back, feeling awkward. It was pretty much like every hug I didn’t initiate, really. Then he said, “Nav, I lo—”

“Monkeys, ho!” someone shouted over whatever Spike said. I pushed Spike back and looked ahead.

“Yeah, we’re right about there,” I said. “Stop the ship!” We started quickly slowing down. “Spike, you still got the treaty?”

“I let Watcher hold it,” he said, not looking at me and blushing slightly.

“Well, go get him and it. You know the way around the castle, so you’re leading them. And I’m going below, so none of those monkeys see me.”

“What if they’re… I don’t know, really depressed that you’re not there?”

“Then they’ll be really depressed I’m not there. I ain’t no fucking queen. Hell, ask Celestia. She knows how terrible of a ruler I’d be.”

Spike and I looked at her. She nodded. “You’re good at leading, but I doubt you’d be a good ruler. You lack the patience. I’m surprised you were able to put up with being a queen for any length of time.”

“Damn right. Tell them I abdicated or whatever. Tell the vizier to figure something out. And then get Brook here.”

“Uh… How? Can she be teleported?”

“I dunno. Take a few pegasi, put her ass in a bathtub, and fly her here. You’re smart. I don’t fucking care how you do it, just figure something out.”

He shrugged and said, “Alright.”

“Celestia, you want to go with them? Talk to the vizier, get a treaty or something? Or better, offer them a place in your kingdom so the spiders can’t murder the shit out of them?”

“...I think I will do that, if you don’t mind. At the very least, I will offer to help them migrate somewhere less hostile.”

I shrugged. “Do whatever. I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t care. I’m wiping my hands of the monkeys. As long as you don’t kill them all, do whatever the fuck you want.”

“See, now that is why you’d make a bad ruler,” Celestia said, nodding.

“Eh, whatevs. I’m heading below, if you need me.”

“Then I will see you later,” Celestia said with a nod.

“And you said I can grab whatever I want?” Spike asked.

“Go for it. As long as they don’t try to stop you, might as well grab a souvenir.”

“Cool.”

Since that was taken care of and I no longer considered it my problem, I started heading down. Zecora waylaid me before I could get to the door heading below. “Navarone,” she slowly said, almost tasting the word and the lack of rhymes.

“Zecora,” I answered with a nod. “Enjoying your newfound freedom?”

“Indeed I am, my human friend. It is nice, not having my speech dictated by a curse. I can say the word orange without having my stomach convulse.”

“Did you lose all your awesome yet creepy voodoo powers, too?”

“Why would I have lost those? I earned each and every one of them over many hard years. They are why I was cursed, but I could never turn my back on them, for they made me what I am, for good or ill.”

“I know that feeling…” I sighed. “Just be careful saying that around Celestia.”

“If you are content in what you are, there is no harm in saying such a thing.”

I shrugged, a motion that seemed to be growing even more common with me. “Whatever. So what’s next for you?”

“As I believe I have said, I request that we take a stop in my hometown. If such a thing is not possible, I will manage it myself when our quest is at an end.”

“If we’re ever in the area, let me know. Hopefully we’ll have a time for a nice little stop.”

“I fear one of those words will not apply. But our host is glaring at us, so I shall return to the party. We might talk more later, Nav.”

“Sure thing. See you, Zecora.” And then I was able to continue my walk into the darkness, with the addition of Taya. Although it wasn’t really that dark on the way to my room, but for the sake of being dramatic, I could pretend.

“Why aren’t you going with them, mommy?” Taya asked when we got to my room.

“You don’t have to call me mommy in private, you know,” I said, sitting down on the bed. She hopped up next to me, resting her head against my side.

“I know, but it’s funny watching you flinch again, like you used to do when I first started calling you daddy. And saying mommy just… feels better, I guess.”

“Weird. Anyway, the monkeys are fucking crazy and they might try to make their ‘queen’ stay if they saw me again. This way, I don’t have to worry about getting locked up and caked in makeup every day.” And getting Spike’s massages whenever I want. Or really nice food. Or living an easy life. Or making almost no hard decisions. Or never having to worry about fighting.

“...Before you turn back, can I see you like that? Just once?”

“Nah. I never want to put that shit on my face again. But I would love to put it on you. Oh, I bet you’d be so adorable!”

“No!”

I looked over to the bag that Spike brought from the monkeys. Apparently he stored it in my room. I dragged it over and started rummaging around in it. I quickly found two plain dresses, one white and one black, and one fancy dress. And of course, several sets of lingerie, most of which were wildly inappropriate. I could only assume they expected me to put on some kind of strip tease for Spike the whole way there. Buried under all of that was a makeup kit and two pairs of heels. I pulled the kit out with a dark grin, looking over at Taya.

“It’s makeover time!”

“No, mommy, no!”

I shrugged and dropped the kit back in the bag. “Fine. But I know your weakness, now. I’m not above exploiting it.” Especially if it would be extra funny. “So, what were you up to while I was with the monkeys?”

“Crying, mostly,” she answered with a shrug. “Losing everyone you care about seems to make that happen.”

“Yeah, it does. So what do you want to do now?”

“Hug you forever?”

“Well, forever might as well start now.” Before I could prepare myself, she threw me on my back and latched onto me, holding on tight. I hugged her back, a smile on my face. And since hugs are boring and I’m a bad person that can’t enjoy simple things, I decided to check on Flo. You feeling better?

“Considerably,” Flo answered. “I’m still… aching, but most of the damage is gone. I have a strange question, one that you might be qualified to answer.”

I’m listening.

“Is wanting revenge… wrong? She truly hurt me and she was very ready to hurt either you or Spike if you didn’t fall into line. I want to make her pay. Is that bad?”

Fuck no it’s not. That bitch is crazy and needs to be reminded that while she may have acted as a god, she wasn’t one. Maybe we can get the other elementals to help us do things to her.

“Nav, most of them will probably be just as bad, if not worse. Remember, they’ve been hiding away in the oceans for just as long as Brook was on the surface. There’s no telling what might be down there and how they may behave. If even Aqua was as dark as she was, I fear this quest may be more perilous than we thought, and not just from what monsters we may find. The elementals may be worse enemies than even these spiders, for at least we had the option of killing the spiders.”

There’s always the option of killing the elementals. I mean, it’s a bad option that we shouldn’t take, but it’s there.

“I can’t imagine that would be beneficial to our long-term health, Nav,” she said. “We want to beat chaos. To do that, we need to free all the elementals. To do that, we need all the waters. Apparently there is a fire that’s already free, but he alone wouldn’t be enough to do much.”

Everyone keeps saying that this earth elemental actually had a plan to stop chaos. Why not just find him instead? If he’s free, we can bypass the rest.

“Because we don’t know if he’s free or where he is. It would take Aerie to find him, and she wants us to free the fires first. So it will have to wait.”

God, what a bitch.

“Such is their way. And she might well want revenge against the earths anyway, for it was their plan to lock the airs away.”

Well, whatever. It’s not like those three will be all too hard to find, I’m sure. After flying all over the fucking place to get the waters, I’m sure those three can’t be too bad.

I need to learn not to invoke Murphy’s Laws, I swear.

About half an hour or so later, spent mostly shooting the shit with Flo while pretending to be a good father and/or mother, someone knocked upon my door. “Come on in,” I called, not moving Taya since I think she had fallen asleep.

Rarity let herself in, then smiled at the adorable display before her or whatever. “Nav, why do you always manage to surprise me with things like this?”

“Because you always expect the worst from me,” I quietly answered. “What do you need?”

“Spike and the others are back. Well, except for the princess. Apparently she stayed behind to talk with the monkeys. They brought a water… elemental, is it? They brought a water elemental back.”

“Good. So why are you telling me?”

“Well, the captain wanted to know our next course. And I believe Spike wanted to speak with you, not that he told me.”

“Ah. Can you gently move her?” Rarity used magic to pick Taya up, since it would be more gentle than hands probably ever could be, and set her next to me. I threw the blanket over her and stood, walking to the door. Rarity let me out and I shut the door.

“So, what was this I hear from Pinkie about you and Spike admitting your feelings for one another?” Rarity asked, a blush coming to her face.

“A lie, that’s what. Spike and I are just friends. We had to pretend to be lovers with the monkeys, but nothing came from it.”

“Ah. Then I suppose I will need to have a talk with her about things that she wants to be true versus things that actually are true. Now what about what I heard from Twilight about you wearing a beautiful dress and makeup? And… lingerie?”

“I was a queen, Rarity. Queens do that shit. Not willingly, mind, but the water elemental was threatening to murder Spike if I didn’t play nice. I figured it was prudent.”

“...I see. Tell me, how does one go about bringing a water elemental pain?”

I was about to tell her not to, but Flo said, “By reminding her what a bitch she’s been.” She used my mouth to say it, of course.

Rarity nodded, a small smile on her face. “I think I’m going to go have a talk with this elemental. I will see you later, Nav.” Before I could tell her not to, she trotted off, her tail wagging enough that I knew she was thinking happy thoughts. That was enough for me to decide that nothing bad could probably come of it.

Since I needed to talk to the captain, I walked up to the deck. “Gourd?”

He wasn’t on the main deck, but he answered from the helm, “Aye?”

“Set course for the Pacific. It’s about time we were done here.”

“Aye aye. Any stops along the way?”

“We’ll stop before the beach to let the spiders off. Nothing else, though. And if you don’t mind, take us high. No reason to risk getting attacked now that there’s no reason to be low.”

“With pleasure.” He started talking to the helmsman, so I turned my attention to the deck. On it was the bathtub from my old room at the palace, a few crewmembers, the spiders, a few soldiers, no elemental, some of the girls, and Spike.

“How did it go?” I asked, walking up to them.

“Pretty good,” he answered. “They uh… they weren’t that happy you stayed behind. I think some of them actually started crying. The vizier declared a week of mourning or something. I’m kinda glad we got out of there when we did. What do you want to do with this bathtub?”

“Ask around, see if anyone wants it. If not, we’ll just kick the fucker over the side or something. Maybe see if we can crush something with it. I don’t think it’ll fit into any of the bathrooms here.”

“Yeah, probably not.” He shrugged and reached down, where he had a bag I didn’t notice. “I brought you a present, too.”

“...What kind of present?” I asked as he opened the bag and rifled inside.

He just grinned darkly and pulled out that large green dress, the one I learned to absolutely despise. My eyes narrowed as he held it up, lifting where his eyebrows should have been up and down. “What do you think?” he asked when I was suitably pissed. I reached up to slap him across the face, but stopped when I saw him pull something else out. When I realized what it was, a matching grin lit up my face. He saw it and blew some fire onto the torch. “Would you like to do the honors?” he asked, offering me the handle.

“It would be my pleasure,” I said with a mock curtsy, taking the torch in my hands. “Hold it up high, now.” He lifted the dress higher and I put the torch to the bottom, my smile deepening as the dress caught and started going up in flames. “To an end of that ugly business,” I said, casually tossing the torch off the side.

“Don’t know about ugly,” Spike said, holding the dress away as it started really going up. “But it’s nice to be back with friends. It was pretty fun, though…”

“You just liked seeing me suffer.”

“Oh come on. You were cute in those dresses.”

“Ugh. Watcher, anything to report?”

“No ma’am. It’ll probably take us all night or longer to get to the Pacific. Any orders?”

“Gourd says there’s someone sneaking supplies. If you can, find whoever’s doing it. If it’s a guard, you deal with it. A crewmember, tell Gourd. Someone else, tell me.”

“He’s already spoken to me about it. It’s not been much missing, but we’ll find whoever it is.”

“Excellent. If I gotta share a boat with everyone here, I want to make sure everyone knows stealing is a stupid idea when we aren’t on rations. It’s not that fucking hard to log whatever you take.”

“I’ll make sure to remind everyone that’s all they need to do. And it may be the spiders. We… don’t really know what they eat. Actually, I don’t think I’ve seen any of them eat.”

I slowly looked up, to where they were just watching us all passively. “Hey spiders!” They all looked at me. “You guys been in the supply room?”

One of them answered, “No.”

“Alright, thanks.” I looked back down at Watcher. “Fuckers creep me out. Think we should take them with us?”

“They would be useful, but they wouldn’t be worth it. They have to eat something, and spiders are purely carnivorous. Between the naga and the dragons, we go through meat quickly enough. We don’t need to add five spiders that may or may not be loyal to the mix.”

“My thoughts exactly. Celestia did say to leave her behind, right?” Given that we were already moving, I was certainly hoping so.

“...She didn’t say not to.”

“Well, she’s a big princess. I’m sure she can take care of herself. Anyway, if there’s nothing to report, I’m going to bed. It’s been a long fucking day.”

“Just one small thing. Jak is making headway. That’s all he told me to tell you.”

“...Do you know what he meant by that?”

“No clue.”

I sighed and shrugged. “The sun’ll be up for another half hour anyway. Might as well see what’s going on with him. See you, Watcher.”

“Ma’am.” I walked on below, heading to Jak’s ‘special’ workshop. The halls weren’t overly crowded, thankfully. Not that they ever really were, but eh. When I got to his workshop, I let myself inside. Smiles was sleeping on his hooves, using the anvil and a piece of armor as a pillow. Jak was in his own room, the part away from the smithy. I skirted widely around Smiles so he didn’t try to snatch me as a cuddle buddy again and knocked on Jak’s door.

“Yeah?” he grunted, not opening it.

“How’s your golem coming?” I called.

He opened the door, squinting at the light difference. “I got the head do—Oi!” He reached behind him and grabbed a screwdriver, throwing it at Smiles. The pony jumped up, looking both ways quickly. “If you’re gonna sleep, sleep on a bed! Don’t need you slobberin’ all over everythin’!”

“Er, y-yes sir!” Smiles sleepily said, jerking to attention and then saluting. He started hobbling off.

“Lazy git,” Jak muttered. “Got the head of the golem done. Wasn’t that hard once I realized one of the words on the sample you brought me said paper. When I replaced that with the one for steel, it started going a lot smoother. Just gotta make the body and limbs, now.”

“How long you think that’ll take?”

“Dunno. Went through a lot of metal just making this. I’m gonna have to start building it on the deck, too. Otherwise it would be stuck in here unless we felt like breaking a few walls down.”

“That would be… inconvenient.”

“Aye. I don’t suppose you happened to find any metal on your little escapades, did you?”

I started to tell him no, but then I remembered the bathtub. It looked like it had been made out of some kind of metal, something that was extremely precious to the monkeys. “There’s a bathtub on deck. It might be made of metal. You’re free to do whatever you want with it. But if it’s not metal, let me know so Spike and I can push it off the deck on something.”

“Aye, sounds easy enough. You know what kind of metal?”

“No clue. It might not even be metal. I’m not a metallurgist.”

“Well, we can’t all be perfect,” he said, patting me on the head. “I’ll go check it out, see what we got.”

“Have fun with that. I’m going to bed.”

“Then sweet dreams, lass.” He closed his door and I shrugged, walking back to my room. Taya was still in my bed, snuggled up properly in the blankets. I got over the mini heart attack, then started getting ready for bed. It felt strange to be sleeping naked again after a week or so in what I had been wearing, but I really didn’t want to put on panties again if I could help it.

When I was ready, I just pulled open the blankets and plopped down next to my daughter. Before I passed out, Flo said, “You are a really weird parent.”

What? If I was a guy, I would put on clothes. It’s not weird if we’re both chicks!

“Right. Sure. If you wake up with her accidentally touching you inappropriately, you have only yourself to blame.”

Noted.

And then I fell asleep. As awesome as that large monkey bed was, it was nice to sleep in my own bed again. And without a large lizard accidentally cuddling against me every night and poking his dick into my back. It was worse when he’d wake me up by kissing me since there were monkeys in the room, but that’s not really important.

The next day, we were well on our way to the ocean. It was definitely nice to be finally leaving South America behind, because the entire place fucking sucked. Unfortunately, I had to speak with Brook before we actually hit the ocean. Not so unfortunately, I had two dragons and Taya at my back, ready to evaporate that bitch if she tried anything.

“We’re going to the Pacific,” I said, standing relatively far away from her. We were in the cargo hold, of course.

“I know. I can feel my sisters getting closer.”

“Cool. Do you know if they’re all together?”

“All four are in close proximity, yes. For the first time in ages, it seems the elementals are convening.”

“That’s kinda the point, yeah. I don’t suppose you read all my memories while you were violating me, did you?”

“Flo protected your mind. I did get all of Spike’s, though. Every thought, every emotion and feeling… It reminded me why I dislike fires. Too passionate and quick to act, once you get past all his pony training.”

“Better than being a mind-raping bitch that tries to kill people when she doesn’t get her way,” I said, crossing my arms. She didn’t reply. “Long story short, we’re freeing the elementals to stop chaos. All the elementals, not just the waters.”

“You are stupid.”

“And you’re a narrow-minded racist. But I don’t care, because you’re useful. And I may be stupid, but remember who convinced you to leave.”

“Two water elementals and an air,” she said.

“Flo didn’t say a word. Don’t expect to make a host out of anyone in my crew.” I turned away from her and started walking out. “Let’s go.” The two dragons and Taya followed me.

“She’s kind of a bitch,” Kumani whispered loudly enough for Brook to hear as we walked.

I didn’t reply.

We got to the ocean before the day was half over. “Do you have any words for our mistress?” one of the spiders asked as our ship lowered to let them off.

“Nope. I would say that it was a pleasure, but she’s kind of a bitch. So just report back to her, I guess.”

“Yes, mistress,” the spider chick said, bowing slightly. Then all five of them scuttled off to the side and shot webs toward the trees. When the hot white loads connected, the spiders started pulling themselves down. When they finished, they cut the lines, leaving us with long threads hanging off the side of the boat.

Before I could order them to be cut off, Rarity started pulling one of them up. “As useful as they were, it’s nice to see them leave,” she sighed as the thread came up. “And it’ll be even better when I can start making proper clothing from these threads…”

“Have fun with that,” I said, turning from her. “Twilight, get the helmsman set up on the proper course.”

“Easy enough,” she said, nodding. Then she lazily teleported up to the helm area.

“Gourd, get that flag down and replace it with our own. Throw that one in storage, in case we ever need it again.”

“Aye, ma’am.”

“Spiders are gone,” I said, walking to the stairs going down. “It’s sir again.”

“Happy to hear. We’re running into too many mares in power.”

“Amen to that.” I hummed a happy little song as I walked back down to my room, ready to finally be out of the body that wasn’t my own. When I got to the room, I dropped the sword belt and reached for my chest, popping it open. Out came the gender stone bag. I dumped its contents on my bed.

My blood froze. My eyes widened. My mouth dropped.

On my bed were two stones. My gender stones.

They were grey.

I let out a nervous laugh, poking them. Nothing happened. I picked one of them up and rubbed it, thinking the grey might have just been dust. It stayed grey. One of my eyes twitched.

The next thing I remembered was standing in front of Twilight. “The stones are grey!” I hissed at her, holding her face with both of my hands and shaking her.

“W-what? You’re hurting me!” She used magic to push me back. “What’s wrong?”

“The gender stones are broken!” That got the attention of everyone on deck, I think.

“What do you mean, broken?” she asked.

I held up the hand where they were apparently clutched, though I didn’t remember grabbing them. “They’re grey!”

“...Oh. Oh my. Um. Did you try… cleaning them?”

“Yes!” She blinked a few times, looking scared. Then I remembered something. “You can fix this. Cadance said you swapped the genders of half the palace. You can turn me back!”

She looked away. “We… don’t talk about that, Nav. Most… most of them weren’t married. And their memories changed, too, matching their new bodies. The princess told me most of them are happy with their new life, but—” I was already turning away, running back below. She hurried to follow me, maybe thinking I was going to hurt myself or something.

As soon as I got to my room, I ran to the chest and pulled out Athena’s book. By the time I got it open, Twilight was next to me. We both got sucked in. “Athena!” I yelled, looking around wildly. She appeared right in front of me. I went to grab her, but my hands froze before they could touch her. Then I started to say something, but one of her hands was at my mouth, grabbing my lips.

“Yes, Navarone?” she asked, not letting me go.

I held up the broken gender stones, panic and horror in my eyes.

“Hm. That sucks for you. Goodbye, Nav.” She turned and opened the book, sending me and Twilight back out. Before Twilight could even say anything, I opened it again, reappearing in Athena’s domain.

“Fix it!” I shouted. She had already disappeared, but she reappeared again.

“I can’t. Your biology is so broken that changing your gender without those stones is suicidally impossible. It would kill you.”

“Then fix the stones!”

“Discord made those, Navarone. Even looking at them hurts me. Fixing them would be impossible.” She gently patted me on the head before holding out a hand. A book appeared in it, a book that she passed to me. My hands numbly grasped it, my mind unable to do anything else. “Have one on the house. I hope you enjoy dresses.” Then she opened her portal book again, sending me and Twilight back to the real world.

I fell to my knees, completely stunned. “No…”

Twilight slowly hugged me. “Nav, we’ll… we’ll help you adjust. It’s not so bad, really! It’s definitely not the end of the world.” I shot my hand out to the side, where my sword belt was, and grabbed a dagger from it.

Before I could slam it into my chest, Flo stopped me. “I will also help you adjust, Nav,” she said. The knife clattered to the floor as I lost control of my arm. “Your entire crew will.”

I pushed Twilight away and stood, slamming my door open. Before I could get to the top and throw myself over the edge, I saw something that absolutely should not have been on the ship: A spider.

Each of his eight eyes widened as he realized that he had been caught, and he tried skittering away. He didn’t stand a chance. I grabbed the orphan I recognized from the area around the temple and started dragging him to the deck.

“I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me, please!” he was shouting. I didn’t reply. “The guards are so mean and would have killed me. I didn’t have a choice!” I didn’t care. If I was going to kill myself, I was going to take an abomination with me.

The two of us made quite a commotion. Me, by slamming a door, and him, by screaming his bloody head off. So when we got to the deck, we had quite a crowd around us. “Well, that explains why we were missing supplies,” Gourd said as I dragged the spider to the side.

I spread my wings and stood on the ledge, holding the spider up over the side by his neck. “Please, mistress! Please! I’ll do anything! Please you any way you want! Be a perfect slave! Don’t drop me!”

My eyes narrowed and my grip loosened. His legs started curling around my arm and he held on in terror. We were well above the ocean, high enough that a fall would surely kill him. And far enough from land that even if it didn’t, he probably wouldn’t survive.

Before I could drop him, Flo said, “Nav, I will not stop you from doing this. But this is an act done in anger. What’s the difference between him and Taya? Both abandoned in dangerous cities. Both at risk of becoming a slave. Both abused. Truly, what’s the difference?” My eyes widened slightly, but then I found my answer.

Taya isn’t a monster that was specifically bred to be evil!

“Arachne said that most of her offspring would be evil. Surely there are some that can be good.”

Should we take the risk that this is one of them?

“Should you take the risk that he’s not? Navarone, you are about to murder a child. And don’t think for a moment that you will follow him, because I will not allow it. If you drop him, his death will stain your soul for the rest of your very long life. I won’t stop you from doing this, but you shouldn’t.”

The spider was just whispering, “Please,” over and over again, shaking in my grasp as he held on for his life.

My eyes narrowed once again. But before I could let him go and shake him off, Kat shouted from behind me, “NO!” She jumped over the ground and ran up to me, grabbing one of my legs. “I’ll take responsibility for him, Nav! I swear it! But don’t kill him!”

I slowly looked away from the spider, down to Kat. She actually looked scared, horrified over what I was about to do. Then I looked behind her, to the crew. Most of them didn’t really seem to give a fuck, but Twilight and her five friends looked scared. Taya’s eyes were wide. Spike was shaking his head, his eyes pleading with me.

My wings sagged and I stepped back onto the deck, then threw the spider onto the deck. “Kat, you take care of him. You have one week to prove that he’s both not evil and won’t be a burden. If he so much as looks at someone hungrily, I’m throwing him over the fucking side. You hear me?”

She hastily nodded, running over and clutching the spider against her chest. “I’ll make sure he behaves,” she hastily said.

I looked back to the crew. “The fuck y’all lookin’ at?” All the redshirts shrugged and went off to do whatever they were supposed to be doing.

Everyone else walked up to me. “Nav—”

“Shut up.” I started walking to the door leading down. “Just leave me alone.” I think some of them probably wanted to follow me to do the opposite of what I said, but the others stopped them.

When I got below and locked my door in Taya’s face, I slid the ring on and just pressed my head against the wall, wondering just what the hell I was going to do.

After a few minutes, Flo said, “I know this is a bad time, Nav, but… your period’s about to start.”

I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if Celestia could have heard my scream of primal rage. Sadly, Flo stopped me before I could break anything and made me just fall into the bed instead. Before I could squeeze my eyes shut, they focused on the book Athena gave me, dropped to the floor in my blind rage. Your Changing Body and You: Welcome to Womanhood!

I tried to kill myself again, but Flo slapped me across the face and forced me to read the book instead.

And so it was that the first of three curses came to pass. In the horror of being forced into a body that I despised, I never once considered what horrible fates might be forced upon me with the other two items.

After all, if something has a good use, it’s easy to forget that in time, it will betray you.

Chapter One Hundred and Seven—The Lost City

Chapter One Hundred and Seven—The Lost City

When I finally forced myself out of my room the next morning, I was still hellishly pissed. The only good news I had was that the period I was apparently having seemed mild compared to what the girls at home used to bitch about. Yes, I was bleeding from my snatch. Yes, it fucking hurt. But no, it didn’t make me feel like punching the first motherfucker I saw.

No, being trapped in a shitty body that wasn’t mine made me want to punch the first motherfucker I saw. But since that first mofo happened to be Taya, I withheld my fists of fury. And of course, right after I saw her, she began hugging me.

“You better not have been outside my room all night,” I said, trying to curb the rage I felt inside of me.

She didn’t answer, so I just sighed and knelt down to hug her back. I realized very quickly that my legs felt weaker than usual and that kneeling down might not be a good idea while bleeding like that, but that didn’t stop me. She was, as usual, soft and very huggable.

After several seconds, she said, “I love you, no matter what you are.” She waited another second or two before saying, “Even if you do smell kinda… funny.”

“I just took a shower,” I said, lifting an arm to smell it.

“It’s not bad!” she quickly added. “Just… different.”

“Whatever. Maybe Rarity put something in my clothes.” Or maybe it was the makeshift solution I had for the whole bleeding from my pussy thing. Thankfully, it wasn’t squirting blood, so I just folded a towel up and used some panties to hold it in place. I figured it would do as a pad until I found something else.

“...Maybe.”

I sighed and let her go, standing up. “So what were the reactions?” I asked, leaning against my doorframe.

“Well, Pinkie wanted to throw you a party,” Taya said.

“Wanted?”

She sighed and said, “We… made her agree not to.”

“Good,” I growled, my eyes narrowing slightly. “That would have been a very poor life decision on her part. Anything else?”

“Well, the naga seemed kinda upset. And Kumani really wasn’t happy. I don’t know about anyone else, because I’ve been down here, making sure no one bothers you.”

That explains it. “Thank you, Taya.” Then I sighed and looked toward the way up to deck. “Well, ready to pay the piper?”

“I don’t like pipes,” she answered.

“Me either.” That didn’t stop me from starting the walk of shame to the deck. She followed me, of course. As soon as I stepped outside, some people on deck looked my way and then immediately looked away. None of the girls were up top, thankfully.

But Watcher immediately walked up to me. “Sir or ma’am?” he asked.

“Sir. With how I feel right now, I will go to my death looking for a way back. I’d rather be called what I am by nature than what I am by body.”

“Yes sir. Gourd thinks we’re about a day away from our target, but it’s hard to tell over the ocean. No landmarks, after all.”

“Good. The sooner we get Brook off this ship, the better. Do you know any pressure canceling spells?”

“Even if you do go down there with her, you’ll still need a way of dealing with temperature, breathing, and being able to talk with them.”

“Breathing water isn’t a problem, with Flo in my head. Temperature is, though, but surely there’s a spell for that as well. With how elementals work, I can just let them into my head and not really have to worry about talking with them. It might not necessarily be the best of ideas, but if Twilight goes with me, we can just use Aqua as a buffer to keep us safe from potentially insane elementals.”

He shrugged. “I still don’t know the spells for it. Twilight might, though.”

Flo said, “An elemental can keep you safe from the pressure and temperature, if you trust her and wouldn’t mind staying inside of her. But they can only do it for one at a time, so you can’t use Aqua if Twilight goes.”

And I don’t trust Brook. “Anything else going on?” I asked.

“Kat’s little spider is proving useful already. With how he can climb, assisting the crew with things regarding the balloon and the masts is easy for him. And Rarity has professed interest in using him to help with her fashion nonsense.”

“That woman is either really into child labor or secretly has a thing for little boys. Either way, I don’t care. If he’s making himself useful and he’s not being evil, what the fuck ever. Our food stores might take a hit, though.”

“Which might not be too much of a problem,” Watcher said. “I have a feeling that Kumani might not be with us too much longer.”

“What? Why not?”

“She was not pleased by the news. You might be able to convince her to stay. She didn’t exactly seem in a hurry to leave, given that we’re in the middle of nowhere, though.”

“...She’s probably still asleep. I’ll definitely talk to her later.”

He nodded and then asked something very haunting. “Sir, do female humans have heat?”

“...No? Or at least, not technically. Why?”

“Because you smell like you’re in heat. It’s a very different smell than the one from mares and the other races I’ve been around, but it’s there.”

“Is that going to be a problem?” I sighed.

“Not for any of my troops. And I doubt it will be a problem for anyone else on the ship. But if you go to any Equestrian cities smelling like that, it might be. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to have a large radius. I only noticed it a minute or so after we started talking.”

“That’s good, at least. If it makes you feel any better, it feels absolutely miserable for me and I’m actually bleeding because of it.”

“No sir, that doesn’t make me feel better at all. Do you need healing?”

“Wouldn’t do any good. This is, unfortunately, a natural thing for women. I’ll just have to hold out.”

He nodded. “Just be wary around predator races. If they smell the blood, things might get… unpleasant.”

“Noted. Anything else to report?”

“No sir.”

“Good. Carry on, or whatever.” He nodded and wandered off. I walked further onto deck, toward the front of the ship.

Ames stopped me before I got there, putting a hand on my shoulder and turning me to face him. “Women in our society do not get trained,” he slowly said. Before I could threaten to murder his family, he offered up my practice sword. “Prove to me you still have a man’s spirit.”

My hand slowly wrapped around the handle of the blade, several conflicting emotions going through my head. First, I was angry that he would even think I was any different and that I would have to prove my ‘spirit’ to him. Second, extremely happy that he’d be willing to go against his code of honor and teach me regardless, assuming I could do well enough. And third, worried that I wouldn’t be able to do very well at all since my legs felt weak and my abdomen wasn’t feeling all that great either.

“Daddy, are you sure this is smart?” Taya asked as I got into a fighting position. “You said you were bleeding!”

The naga lowered his weapon slightly. “You are unwell?” he asked, lifting his nose slightly to sniff at the air. “...Yes, I recognize that scent. It is slightly different, though. Heavier, maybe.”

“It’s a natural part of my new body, naga,” I said. “It isn’t something that can be healed or fixed, unless you feel like waiting a week. And since I very much doubt an enemy will wait on the battlefield, it is something I will have to work around. It hurts, yes, but I’ve been through worse.”

“...So be it. Though I should note that you are without armor, so expect pain.”

“Only if you hit me, naga,” I answered.

He grinned darkly at that boast, lowering his sword entirely. “Your spirit is still very much that of a warrior, Navarone. I will wait until your armor is modified before asking you to fight.”

“Works for me,” I answered with a shrug, passing him the stick. “I have more sensitive areas I need to worry about defending now. Hopefully, it won’t be a problem for long. Surely there’s a spell or something out there to turn me back.” Even if Athena couldn’t do it.

“Perhaps you will get lucky,” the naga said with a nod, taking the weapon. “So are you going to begin looking for a new relationship now?”

“Why? Did Kumani already leave?”

“She is female. You are female. It is not natural or appropriate.”

“And I’m not gay. I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body, naga. My body may be like this, but I’m not. And I’m not going to suddenly start craving dick just because it fits my body better. Unless my mind starts betraying me, I’m going to stick with girls.” Unless Kumani leaves me. Then I might just become a total slut. After all, what’s the difference in a strapon and the real thing? I think Flo face-palmed, but it’s hard to tell with her sometimes.

The naga definitely looked disapproving. “Such a thing will drive you mad, human. Going against your body’s nature will only end in pain.”

I snorted and said, “What’s a little bit of pain added to a lifetime of misery? I’ll survive.”

“Foolish. But so be it. I doubt you have much in the way of romance to give anyway. Perhaps you will learn to accept it in time.”

More likely the other way around. Though I know from experience how hard it is to get rid of a lifetime of intolerance. “Whatever. You see anything dangerous out here yet?”

“No, but my body longs for the water. Should I get the chance, I would like to go swimming.”

“Might can do you one better. Your kind can breathe in this shit, right?”

“Indeed we can.”

“Even the salt water?”

“...I have never tried it. Perhaps?”

“Well, if you can and if we can find a way to survive the pressure, you can go with us down to the elementals, unless they feel like coming up to us. I can only assume they have some kind of setup down there, though there’s no telling what it might be. I definitely wouldn’t mind having you down there with us.”

“Good. I would not mind being more included in things. These past two trips have left me feeling like little more than a guard. At least I finally got to bathe my sword in blood, but I would have prefered to be in the actual action, at your side.”

“Everyone has a place,” I said with a shrug.

“Let’s see if you would say that if you were constantly left behind while others did the important things.”

“Hey, if it meant less people would be trying to stick swords in me or eat me, I’d be down with it. I mean, if you want to get turned into a queen and be forced to wear frilly dresses and have makeup put on you, go for it. I’d rather stay on the ship in peace.”

“...Perhaps both spots occasionally have merit. Though I rather highly doubt that there would be many out there willing to turn me into a queen.”

“Yeah, probably not. You keeping an eye on the spider?”

“When I see it, yes. It seems too horrified to do anything dangerous, though.”

“I don’t care. Evil is evil. Watch him. If he stays decent after a week or two, I’ll start actually trusting him. Until then, he’ll be on as short a leash as I can force Kat to keep him on.”

“You should have given him to me, then. I would make sure he does nothing wrong.”

“Nah. He’s used to obeying women. And Kat volunteered anyway. As cute and cuddly as she looks, he’ll be more likely to misbehave with her watching him than he would with you. I’d rather him fuck up sooner rather than later, personally.”

“Hm. She may look weak, but I imagine she’ll teach him quickly that she’s not. Still, I doubt he will be a problem. And if he is, we can just throw him over the side.”

“Yep.”

“Now, what do you do in your free time? It has been boring on this ship, of late. No longer can I just go hunting or explore the area. Being stuck here is… dull.”

“Read. Or spend time with others. Or play around on the laptop. Have you made any friends on the ship yet?”

“I am now… acquaintances with a few. Many of them are very different from the naga.”

“Yeah, but differences aren’t always bad. I suggest talking to more of them. Learning about them, befriending them, whatever. I have a feeling we’re all going to be on this ship together for a while, so it would be a good idea to start now. I know you know some of the girls from Ponyville.”

“Yes, I do. And I do not desire most of those for friends.”

“Well, there are plenty of others. And if you’re bad at friends, just ask Twilight Sparkle for advice. She’ll be happy to give you a very long and stupid lecture about it. Or you could also read. I have a few books with me and I know several others also have books.”

He nodded. “I’ll figure something out. I never expected traveling to be this mind-numbing.”

“It always is. If you ever get suicidally bored, let me know. We could try our luck in Athena’s realm. I don’t advise it, because Twilight and I almost got ourselves killed there, but it’s an option.”

“It sounds like an interesting challenge. I might be interested.”

“Yeah, but I’m currently not. And I’m not about to let anyone go in there without magic. Do you want to try your luck socializing, then?”

“...I suppose.” He looked around the deck, where a few soldiers and crewmembers were just chilling, either talking or looking over the edge. “I am not very good at it, though.”

“Do you want a hug for confidence?” I asked.

He snorted. “Your weak body is already corrupting your mind, it seems. I do not need a confidence boost, especially not a hug. I suggest you get your armor fixed quickly. Practicing in your new body is important.”

“Right. Have fun making friends.” He didn’t reply again, and just slithered back off. I finally made my way to the front of the ship, where I could watch whatever we were flying toward, not that I expected to see too much.

“Why did you offer to hug him, daddy?” Taya asked when we were both standing up there.

“I figured it would be funny,” I answered with a shrug. “It wasn’t as funny as I was hoping. I gotta find some way to stay amused with this horrible body.”

“Being a girl isn’t that bad.”

“For you, sure. You were born in that body. It’s natural and right to you. I was born as a guy. I prefer being a guy. This body is wrong to me, like being a pony is wrong.” Not as wrong, but still plenty wrong. “And it doesn’t help that everyone back in Equestria knew me as a guy, so I’d have some explaining to do if I ever decided to go back. I would much rather be in the proper body and I will definitely be keeping an eye out for any way to turn back.”

“Will you at least try to adjust?”

“I have no choice but to adjust. That doesn’t mean I have to give up hope of getting the right body back. I might change my mind later, but don’t hold your breath.”

“...Letting me call you mommy would help you adjust faster.”

“And you saying shit like everypony would help you adjust to life in pony areas faster. There might be a time I’ll be okay with it. That time is not now, when the pain is fresh.”

She sighed and fell silent, allowing me to freely look out over the deck. Several minutes passed in morose silence, my suffering on display for anyone that bothered to look. Then a pair of clawed feet disturbed the relative silence, with whoever it was coming very, very close behind me.

I turned, expecting to see Kumani. Instead, I saw Spike leaning in very close, his eyes wide. Of course, I flinched back. “Dude, personal space!”

“You smell…” His claws wrapped around my arms, pulling me even closer. It was then that I noticed his pupils were retracted. I brought a leg up and kicked him back, making him lose his grip on me.

“Taya, grab him!” Thankfully, she reacted quickly enough that she got him before he could reach me again.

“What’s wrong with him, daddy?” she asked, her horn glowing rather brightly from the effort of holding a dragon.

“Male predator smelling blood and new pheromones. Just hold him here. I’m going to go get Twilight.”

“...Okay.”

Spike’s eyes followed me as I walked around him, heading down belowdecks. Several of the people topside were watching me and alternating their looks from me to Spike, but none commented.

When I got to Twilight’s room, I knocked on the closed door. “Kinda busy!” she called from within.

“It’s important,” I called back.

“Can it wait?”

“Spike just tried to rape me.”

The door slammed open and six familiar ponies looked out. “What?!” Twilight yelled.

I quickly held up a hand. “It was pheromones, Twilight. And also, the smell of blood. He needs the spell I needed when I was a horse.”

“...Oh. He should still have better control than that! He grew up around mares!”

“Honestly!” Rarity said, nodding. “Spike is normally so well-behaved! What manner of passions could have caused such an act?”

“I may have been exaggerating slightly,” I said with a shrug. “But he was very touchy and feely and I didn’t want to see where it would go. I figure, my smell is new, since he’s never smelled a chick on her period before. Taya’s holding him up on deck. So yeah, go magic him.”

“...What’s a period?” Twilight asked.

“Long story short, I bleed from my vagina, it hurts like a bitch, and I get overly irritable and possibly really emotional. I didn’t know much about it from my time back home because it’s really nasty.” Each of them definitely looked either disgusted or horrified. “Basically, it’s how our body prepares to have children. Normally, the uterus lining gets ripped out, along with the egg that would have been used that month for breeding. It all comes out, along with some blood. It’s nasty and talking about it makes my skin crawl.”

“That’s sounds awesome!” Rainbow Dash said. Everyone looked at her like she was retarded. “I mean, it sounds awesome. I wouldn’t want it to happen to anypony. But having your body force out blood like that just to help make foals is cool!”

“That’s weird, you’re weird, and I’m out,” I said. “Twilight, fix Spike. And come check on me in two hours in case Kumani has the same reaction.”

“...Why two hours?” she slowly asked, possibly dreading the answer.

“So I can enjoy them, duh. But I don’t want to be there all day, so just find me in two hours.”

Rarity snorted and said, “At least we know you haven’t changed any.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk first?” Fluttershy quickly asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said. “Unless Twilight could send a letter to Celestia, at least.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and floated a paper my way. “I already did,” she said.

I took the page and gave it a cursory read over. Long story short, she couldn’t fix me. “Then yes, there’s nothing to talk about,” I said, tossing the paper back into the room. Twilight grabbed it before it could do much. “So I’m going to go see if I can salvage anything with Kumani. See you.” Before any of them could try to stop me, I started walking away. I was very thankful they let me leave, because I had a strong feeling they were in that room planning on how to make me feel better or something stupid like that.

Down I went, into the bowels of the ship. I saw Brook just sitting there in the very back of the cargo hold, staring at me. She was the typical blue of an elemental, not that I paid her too much attention. Instead, I quietly let myself inside Kumani’s room.

She was, as I expected, asleep. Since she slept on her back and her belly was soft and warm, I sat on the bed and then laid down against it, letting my head rest on her. She didn’t even flinch.

After about half an hour or so, she finally realized she had a guest. Or more likely, she just woke up. Either way, she reached up to my head and patted it. “Nav…?” she murmured.

“Yep.”

Her body seemed to flinch slightly at my voice. “So you’re really still a girl.”

I sighed and said, “Yeah. Not by choice, I promise.”

“But you are still one.”

“And it doesn’t look like I’m going to find a way back any time soon.”

“But you’re going to keep looking.”

“Until the day I die. I know you’re not a lesbo, but I’m still mentally a guy. I’m not about to freak out over dresses or whatever girls do.”

“...I suppose I can stick around for a little while. Besides, we’re in the middle of nowhere anyway. But expect even less sex. It’s boring enough with two girls. But with me having no sex drive? I’d rather do nothing.”

“Understandable. I definitely don’t want sex right now anyway. That would just be nasty, given that I’m bleeding down there.”

“That’s not healthy, Nav.”

“It is for our chicks, unfortunately. Every month or so, they bleed down there for a little while. It’s not going to be fun. And it also hurts.”

“Well, I would imagine so, since you’re bleeding. And I guess that does explain some of the smell. Seriously, I don’t know how you humans can stand it on your world if that’s normal!”

“Because we can’t smell it. Your nose is a lot more sensitive than ours.”

“Lucky you. At least it’s not as bad as the ponies when they’re in heat.”

“Unless you’re a male dragon, at least. Spike had a few problems with it. I don’t know what he was trying to do, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t have been wanted.” Though it might have been a lot of fun in the short term. “Thankfully, we got that sorted out.”

“Good. Now, I’m going back to sleep.”

“...Dragons really sleep a lot, don’t they?”

“After producing and pushing out an egg, yes. I should be back to normal within a week or two. I wouldn’t be surprised if Spike was reacting to our combined pheromones, because I know I’m releasing some, too.”

“Poor guy.” I shrugged and hopped off the bed. “Have fun sleeping, I guess.”

“I’ll do my best,” she answered, rolling over to face away from me. A more obvious dismissal I’ve never seen, so I just left.

Since Twilight should have had plenty of time to fix Spike, I went on back to the deck. Pinkie was up there, waltzing with either no one or Aerie. Since I didn’t want anything to do with her at the moment, I looked around and also saw Spike chilling where I had been with Taya a few hours earlier; Ames trying to talk with a few of the soldiers; Kat, the spider, and Twilight standing where Twilight could study the poor kid; and Applejack and Rainbow Dash training with their guard instructors.

I really didn’t want to deal with most of those people at the time, so I turned to go back down to my room. However, as soon as I got to facing the other way, I found Rarity standing behind me. “Ah, Nav, just the girl I wanted to see.” My blood instantly started boiling. “Do you mind if I begin fixing the rest of your clothing to go along with your new figure?”

“Go for it,” I said, trying to force the rage down. “But just alter them so I can wear them. I don’t want anything else done to them.” She grinned sweetly, but before she could say anything, I very coldly said, “I’m warning you, Rarity. Don’t push me.”

“Remember when you said if you wanted to be a girly boy—” My hand shot out and wrapped around her throat, silencing her immediately.

“Don’t. You. Dare,” I hissed, my eyes narrowing and grip tightening with each word. “I will kill you.”

She hastily nodded, her eyes wide. I glared at her for a few more seconds before letting her go and just walking out onto the deck. She very wisely went the other direction very quickly. Since going back down at that point would look bad and make me feel awkward, I just walked to one of the rails well away from anyone else and just started staring out at the ocean.

Of course, I can never stay alone for long, sadly. Not too long after I got back out there, Spike came right on over. “Hey Nav, sorry about… you know.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I casually said. “Just be more careful in the future, I guess.”

“...I’ll try.” He took up a spot on the railing next to me, joining me in staring over the side. I knew what he was trying to do. Sure enough, a minute or two later, he asked, “So do you want to talk?”

“No. I’m stuck for now. That’s all the talking about it I’m going to do.”

He sighed and wrapped me in a very unwanted hug that I didn’t return. “If you ever need to talk, remember that you have friends,” he said.

“I’m well aware.” I’d much rather keep it to myself. Or tell it to the voice in my head.

After another few seconds, he pulled away somewhat awkwardly. “I’ll… talk to you later, Nav.”

“Alright.” Once again, he waited a few seconds before sighing and walking away.

I thought I was going to be free for some time, but of course, that hope got Dash’d. “Sup, Nav?” she asked, putting her front legs up on the railing so she could stand next to me.

“The balloon,” I answered, pointing up.

“Ugh. You know what I meant! How are you?”

“Eh, alright,” I answered, shrugging. “How about you?”

“Kinda bored, actu—Wait, I know you’re not alright!”

“That’s an opinion. I have to warn you right now, if each and every one of your friends is planning on doing some bullshit thing to try to get me to talk about this, I’m going to be really pissed. Like, even more than I already was.”

“...I’ll be back in two minutes.” She shot off, flying across the deck to talk to Twilight. Then she flew off again to talk to Applejack. And then she flew to the door heading down. After about two minutes, she made it back next to me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” she said, laughing nervously.

“Uh huh. See to it that it stays that way. I don’t want to deal with more of you damn ponies trying to ‘help’ me. It inevitably makes things worse.”

“That’s not always true! What about that time Twilight made us tie you up and then we all told you how much we liked you?”

“That was just stupid and a waste of my time.”

“Well, I didn’t think it was so bad. And your hands didn’t seem to think so, either. I still remember them against me…”

“Dash, you’re being weird again.”

“N-no I’m not! It’s just… well, I still remember my time back with the other humans. Mainly, my time with the… girls there. And now that you’re one—”

“Are you hitting on me?” I asked in disbelief, actually turning to face her.

She quickly looked away, blushing. “Well…”

“Un-fucking-believable,” I said in disgust before turning and just walking away.

“Wait!” I didn’t even think about stopping until she jumped in front of me. “Look, the others thought it would be a good idea.”

“What did I just tell you about what I thought about their ideas?”

“...That they were bad?”

“Yes. So why did you think listening to them would be a good idea?” She looked away again, sighing. “You’re lucky you’re too adorable to stay mad at. Just don’t hit on me while I’m dating.”

“I’m not adorable!” she angrily said, putting on her adorable angry face.

“It’s cute that you think that,” I said, reaching down to pinch her cheek. She jerked back and nipped at me. “Aww…”

“Oh, you wanna go?” she asked, jumping into the air and using her wings to push herself up at my face.

I leaned in to rub my nose against hers gently. “Oh Dashie, didn’t I already tell you? Don’t hit on me while I have a girlfriend, silly!”

“That’s it!” She tried tackling me, but I very quickly dodged. Since she disengaged her wings to drag me down, she flew off the side and immediately started falling.

I quickly looked back on deck and saw Pinkie still dancing. Then I looked over the side to see Dash flying at me, looking quite upset. I smiled, stepping back away from the side. As soon as Dash got over, I jumped aside and called, “Pinkie, trade partners!”

Dash, of course, kept flying and missed me again. So she was looking back at me when Pinkie snatched her from the air, pulling her down to dance. I held out my arm and caught Aerie as she flew over to me.

“Masterful,” the air elemental whispered as we began to dance, with me taking the lead.

“I get a lot of practice,” I said over Dash’s struggles to get away from Pinkie. “I don’t suppose you air elementals know of a way to change someone’s gender?”

“We don’t. Though if we did, I wouldn’t change you anyway.”

God, you’re such a bitch. Why are all elementals like this but you, Flo?

“I’m starting to wonder the same thing,” she said in my head.

After a minute or two of dancing with solid air, Rainbow Dash finally got the right idea. “Change partners!” she called, glaring at me.

I gulped as Aerie left my arms… and Pinkie quickly entered them, letting her elemental drag Dash away. “Just like old times!” Pinkie said with a giggle as she took the lead.

“Didn’t I usually lead back then?” I asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Hey, when we trade again, can you drag Dash below and do dirty things to her?”

“Oooh, oooh, can I bring Gilda?”

“Go for it. Just don’t bring me.”

“Silly Navi, you’re dating somepony! I wouldn’t do that! Doppel might, though.”

“She better not. The only rule I gave her is that she wasn’t allowed to go after anyone that was in a relationship.”

“You told her that she couldn’t go after anypony like that. But what if they came to her? I don’t think she made anypony mad, but I know she never had to be picky.”

Dammit, Doppel. “Well, whatever. I’m not going to blame her for being a cum-guzzling cock-whore. She can’t help it.”

“Yeah. And she really has fun with the crew, too!”

“As long as she still has time to do her other duties, she can do whatever she wants with the crew. Gotta stay occupied somehow, after all. Anyway, think it’s a good time to swap?”

“Oh, Aerie already took her to my room. See you later, Navi!” Before I could tell her not to call me that, she spun me and darted off. I caught myself on the railing and looked around the deck. Unfortunately, Twilight, Kat, and the spider were already walking toward me, so I couldn’t just head below without looking like a dick. Instead, I just leaned back against the rail, letting my wings hang off the side.

“So Kumani didn’t try to keep you?” Twilight asked when they were close enough.

“Nope. What do you need?”

“He’s proving his worth,” Kat said.

“The week’s not done yet,” I told her. “And come on. Don’t tell me he doesn’t have a name.”

“He doesn’t, actually,” Twilight said. “Apparently, they use their coloration to tell each other apart.”

“We wanted to ask you about some of our name ideas,” Kat said, smiling.

I looked over at the kid, who refused to meet my eyes. “Why not just call him Spider? He’s the only one of his kind here, so it’s not like there’d be any confusion.”

“That’s so impersonal!” Twilight said.

“Hey, it worked for me,” Kat told her. “I mean, my name is short for Katrina, but no one would know that just by hearing it.” She leaned down to her little spider friend, putting one of her paws on his back. “But it’s your choice, honey. We’ll let you be called whatever you want to be called.”

The spider slowly looked down, not used to making choices. Someone else spoke up, “Anansi.” We all looked over to see Zecora standing there. “That is a name that might fit you,” she said with a shrug. “Do you produce poison yet, young one?”

“Yes, mistress,” the kid said, bowing slightly. “But it is weak.”

“It doesn’t need to be strong,” Zecora said, pulling a vial out of her back. “Can you put some into this?”

“Of course, mistress,” he said, gently taking the vial and attaching one of his fangs to it.

“I recognize that name, Anansi,” I said.

“It is a name with much history attached to it,” Zecora said. “Many stories, many emotions… And it is fitting for any spider.”

“Eh. Doesn’t really matter to me,” I said with a shrug. “A name’s a name. As long as it’s short and easy to pronounce, it’s good.”

“And it’s not your choice,” Kat said. “It’s his.”

“Well, he doesn’t have to pick now,” I said. “It’s a name. Might as well give it some thought to pick a good one.” And if I end up having to throw him over the side, I don’t have to try to forget his useless name.

The kid pulled the little vial from his mouth and passed it to Zecora. “I would like to be called… Spider.”

“...Wait, really?” I asked. “Why not Anansi? That sounds a lot cooler.”

The kid bowed low to my direction, then said, “High mistress, Anansi is a name with history, a name of legends. What deeds might this subject do that could ever be remembered alongside the deeds of such a legendary name-owner? I am a spider. I am your spider. So I shall be Spider.”

Kat sighed, running a paw down her head. “Good job, Nav. You scared him into thinking he had to pick Spider.”

“Hey, I didn’t do shit! That was just a suggestion.”

“You tried to throw him over the side yesterday! He’s probably terrified of you! Of course he’d take whatever suggestion you gave!”

I sighed and asked, “Does he know what hugs are yet?”

“...I’ve given him a few,” Kat said. “Why?”

I knelt down and wrapped the spider up in a hug. His eight legs spasmed around against my back, which felt absolutely horrifying, but I didn’t show any indication that I might be afraid. “I’m not going to hurt you, kid,” I quietly said. “There’s no reason for you to be afraid of me. You just got really unlucky yesterday. And my name isn’t ‘high mistress,’ it’s Navarone.” After a few seconds, he went completely catatonic.

“Good job, Nav,” Twilight sarcastically said as I let the terrified kid go. He fell on his stomach, unable to catch himself.

“...Oops.” I didn’t really feel too bad about it, though. Kat quickly kneeled next to him, trying to soothe him or whatever. “Kat, try to train him away from bowing to every chick he sees.”

She glared up at me. “That wouldn’t be such a problem if you didn’t try to kill him!”

I shrugged. “These things happen. I was in a bad mood at the time. You know how it is.” Thankfully, she knew exactly where that line of discussion would lead, so she turned her attentions back to the kid. “Well, I’m going below. Good luck, Kat.” Zecora walked with me on the way to the door.

“You’re going to have to work hard if you want him not to fear you,” she said when we were away from them.

“I don’t really care if he’s afraid of me or not,” I replied with a shrug. “I don’t like spiders and I don’t want him on the ship. But he hasn’t done anything wrong, so I can’t get away with killing him. Too many goody four shoes on the ship that would get all uppity about it.”

“Surely the one inside of you does not agree. Such a thing would be insanity!”

“Was that a rhyme?”

“Purely accidental, I assure you. But that would be an evil thing to do!”

“Now you’re just fucking with me.” She smirked. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. No, Flo doesn’t like it. But thankfully, she’s leaving that decision up to me. Also, do you include genderbending in your list of voodoo powers?”

“Twilight has already told me of your plight. Sadly, such an act is considered heinous to my kind, for it goes against nature. We don’t have any methods of reverting you.”

I sighed and muttered, “I should have just died at birth.” Thankfully, we were at my room, so I didn’t have to deal with any fallout from Zecora’s extremely shocked reaction. “See you later,” I said, slipping into my room and very quickly shutting the door.

Much to my surprise, I managed to go for three hours without getting bothered by anyone. And that ‘anyone’ just happened to be the sexiest maid I had. “Lunch is being served, mistress,” she said when she pushed my door open.

“It’s master, Doppel.”

She blinked and then shrugged. “Lunch is being served, master.”

“Not hungry, either way. Thanks, though.”

“You need to eat, master. You haven’t since you got back from the monkeys.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, Doppel. You’re not my real mom!”

She rolled her eyes and said, “I may not be your real mom, but I’m not above spanking you. And you know I’d enjoy it, so then we’d both get in trouble with Kumani. Let’s not get to that point.”

I sighed and nodded. “Fine. But only if you bring something here. I don’t want to leave my room because I know I’ll get ambushed by someone and forced to deal with it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being social,” she disapprovingly said.

“I know. I’ll give you a hug if you bring me something.”

She rolled her eyes again. “Fine. But only because you have really good hugging arms. And it better be a cuddle!”

“Of course, of course,” I quickly said, smiling. She stared at me a few more seconds before nodding and walking off.

A few minutes later, she walked right back in, a tray on her back. I reached for it, but she slapped my hand back, then set the tray aside. “Hug first, then food,” she said. “I know how wily you are.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, opening my arms for a hug. She eyed me cautiously before nodding and glomping me, sending me back onto the bed. Of course, I wrapped my arms around her and held her.

“Mmmm… It’s nice to be held like this,” she sighed, her wings twitching. “Without any expectations, I mean. I miss when we used to do this…”

“You might have your chance again soonish,” I said. “A certain dragoness isn’t overly happy with my forced change.”

“Her loss.” I let the hug go on for about a minute before carefully picking her up and setting her next to the bed. “Thank you, master,” Doppel happily said, nuzzling me as I sat up.

“And thank you for making me eat,” I said, grabbing the tray. Nothing on there looked particularly appetizing and I really didn’t feel hungry, but I knew eating was important.

“You made me eat when I wasn’t hungry, so it’s only fair that I return the favor,” she said with a shrug.

“Yeah, but can changelings even get fat?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen a fat one, but most of us don’t have that much food. Why, master? Did you get a thing for chubbies?”

“You know you’re sexy no matter how fat you are,” I said. “It’s just that I can get fat. And I don’t want that to happen.” Either way, I started to eat.

She, of course, watched in fascination. “No matter how many times I see other races eat, it’s always interesting,” she said. “Chewing. Tasting. Swallowing. So… different.”

“You know, there are fetishes out there that involve food.”

“Not that kind of interesting,” she quickly said. “Just different, and interesting because it’s different.” I shrugged, since I really wasn’t into foodplay, and just kept eating. When I was done, she asked, “Would you like me to take the tray back?”

“If you want.”

She took it and set it on her back, but didn’t go anywhere. “So… why master and not mistress?”

“Because I’m mentally a guy and there’s no reason to pretend otherwise right now. I’d much rather go by what I am rather than what I look like.”

“You shouldn’t define yourself by what you have between your legs, master,” she said.

“...That’s the point, Doppel. I’m defining myself as a man despite not having a penis.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You also shouldn’t define yourself by what you don’t have between your legs. If you’re a female now, you should get used to it. Accept it for what it is. There’s no reason to hide in the past. Everyone on this ship will follow you no matter what you are.”

“I don’t see how calling me master or mistress really matters, Doppel. You’re used to saying master. I’m used to hearing master. Why would you want to change something that we’re both used to when there’s no problem with it?”

She sighed and shrugged. “Alright, master. But mistress sounds sexier, just so you know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. See you later.”

“Of course.” She walked on out, letting the door close behind her. I went back to doing nothing, finally.

Well, until Applejack opened the door. “Hey, Nav.”

“Hi,” I said, looking up from the book I had been reading. “You need something?”

“You mind if I sit in here? Don’t want to bother you, just want somewhere quiet to read.”

Weird. “Go for it,” I said with a shrug.

She walked on in and kicked the door shut, then sat down next to the bed. “Thanks,” she said, pulling a book out of somewhere. I went back to reading and she very surprisingly stayed silent. Or at least, she did for a few hours. “‘Bout supper time,” she finally said around dinner time. I jumped slightly, having forgotten she was there. “You want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good.” She shrugged and left, closing the door back behind her. She didn’t come back. “Applejack is a strange pony,” I said.

“I’m sure there was a good reason for that,” Flo replied. “Even if we’ll never figure it out.”

“Bitches do be trippin’, I suppose…”

“Nav, you’re a bitch now. You can’t talk.”

“Bitch, please. It takes more to being one of those than having a vag. There’s an entire mindset that I lack. If I get stuck like this for too long, I might eventually figure it out, but until then, I ain’t no ho.”

“So sensitive!”

“Bah. I suppose I have that to look forward to, at least. Multiple orgasms might be fun. Just gotta get Kumani over her distaste for it.”

“Or just leave her. I believe any chance at a healthy relationship vanished when you permanently changed and found that she wasn’t a lesbian. It already wasn’t healthy, but now I fear it might become toxic.”

“Just let me know if you see it getting too bad. You know I’m not exactly a master at relationships.”

“Yes, I’m aware. And of course I’ll tell you, Nav. I don’t want you to get hurt. Just… don’t expect it to last.” Truth be told, I never really did, but whatever. It’s not like it would haunt me anywhere down the line, after all.

The next day, the inner rage burning inside of me had reached more of a low simmer. I was still rather displeased, but it was starting to dissipate as the usual depression and hopelessness took over. After all, it’s hard to be angry when you’re not used to feeling much of anything.

When I went on up to the deck, Gourd approached me. “We’re about half an hour out, I think,” he said. “It’s hard to judge distances, but Twilight came up a few minutes ago and told us we were nearly there.”

“Excellent. Is there any danger of leaving the ship in the water? Or would it be better to stay in the air?”

“As long as there’s not a storm, we can stay in the water. That’s probably what I’ll do, so we can check the balloon over for wear and tear. Do you know how long we’ll be there?”

“Hopefully it won’t take too long. But honestly, I don’t know. We can probably take as long as you need. Just know that unless things go catastrophically wrong, our next destination will be the Antarctic. So be ready for it to get colder than it was a few weeks ago.”

“I’ll tell the crew to be ready for it, I guess.”

“Awesome. You know where Twilight went?”

“She’s up at the helm,” he said, nodding to the stairs going up.

“Thanks. See you.” He shrugged and followed me up the stairs to the helm, where I found the purple horse I was looking for. “Yo Twilight, we getting close?”

“Pretty close, yes. Aqua says we’re definitely almost there. Do you want to go down with us?”

“Absolutely. Ask her if she can bring up an elemental that isn’t as sociopathic as Brook so I can get down there without having to worry about her trying to kill me.”

“That… might be a problem. But once we get to the bottom, we won’t need to worry about anything else anymore, because there are apparently pockets of air down there, and plants to allow us to breathe. Apparently there are even other ponies down there!”

“What? Like, ponies as in ponies, or ponies as in your racist catch-all for other sapient life?”

“Both! The elementals rule over the seaponies, who rescue sailors in downed ships. Those that are too far from the surface get ferried below, where they live in peace and harmony.”

What is this, Dragonlance? “Sounds miserable. But as long as they don’t try to force us to stay, I don’t really care.”

“You aren’t even interested in learning about the seaponies?”

I blinked a few times before shrugging. “Why would I be? We seem to be finding new sapient life every time we turn around. What’s one more? I mean, cool I guess, but it’s not like it’s that surprising anymore.”

“...I guess. You get jaded really easily, Nav.”

“It comes from being let down too many times,” I said, tousling her hair. “Think we can bring the naga down?”

She glared at me for a moment before shaking her head quickly, making her hair go back to normal. “We probably can, but one of you will have to use Brook to get down.” Before I could say not it, she added, “And it’ll have to be you, so she doesn’t leave another little present in him.”

“Dammit. Why can’t Aqua just bring another two elementals up instead?”

“Because these are… a little more paranoid, it seems. And they like their spots at the bottom of the ocean. Getting them to move to save the other elementals might be problematic, not that Aqua isn’t trying. It might be better to bring Taya than the naga, since she’s actually seen Discord.”

“I don’t want her down there. And if there are sailors down there, I want the naga as protection, just in case. He’s a lot more intimidating than two cute girls and you.” It took her a second to catch the insult, but I was already talking again. “I doubt we’ll have any problems, but having him there reduces the chances. Besides, I told him he could come. I mean, could you say no to his cute face?”

“...I think those hormones might be messing with your brain, Nav.”

“Probably. I’m more huggy than usual, at least. And that bleeding thing is getting really annoying now. Been through three or four towels now, even with my more viscous blood. It’s pretty nasty.”

“It definitely sounds nasty. Please don’t tell me about it again.”

“But Twilight, don’t you want to be a good friend? Why don’t you care about my girl problems?”

“Because you’re only telling me about them to make me feel awkward instead of actually wanting to get help? Come on, Nav. I know how you work by now.”

“Yeah, remember that next time you get Dash to try flirting on me. Or getting Applejack to do whatever she was trying to do last night.”

“What Rainbow Dash did was Rarity and Pinkie’s idea, thank you very much. I asked her not to, but you know how they are. And Applejack didn’t tell us she was going to do anything, so you can’t blame me for that.”

“I’m still waiting for what Fluttershy’s gonna try. I have a feeling it’s going to be more subtle.”

Twilight shook her head. “Rainbow Dash got us to cancel all the plans we had, don’t you worry. Though it would have been really cute and you would have loved it.”

“Yeah. Sure. And Spike is deeply in love with me. Pigs fly. Airplane food is actually alright.”

She just sighed. “You’re always so difficult.”

“It’s all been practice for being a woman,” I said, smiling. “Gotta keep up the tradition, after all.”

“...Are all females like this where you come from?” she asked, sounding like she dreaded to hear the answer.

“No. Guys just like saying that. There are good girls, bad girls, and naughty girls, just like there are good and bad guys. But the human mind specializes in seeing only the worst and generalizing based on those, which is why everyone thought the crime rate was rising even though it was rapidly decreasing when I left. People were just more exposed to bad things due to things like TV and computers, so it’s more present on their mind.”

“...Okay. Does that mean you’re going to change and start being really nice?”

“Psh, no. I don’t change who I am, Twilight. Especially not over something so minor.”

“If it’s so minor, why are you so upset about it?” she asked.

“Because fuck you, that’s why. I’m gonna go make sure the naga is awake. Don’t seduce any of the crew, now.”

She rolled her eyes and didn’t reply as I walked off, back into the bowels of the ship. The naga’s room was right across the hall from Kumani’s, so I got to see Brook silently staring again, not that I paid her any mind. I would deal with her later, when I wasn’t alone. Maybe once I had the naga’s rippling muscles next to me, keeping me safe from all harm…

I pushed his door open, because I honestly wasn’t expecting him to be jerking off or anything. He didn’t disappoint, and was just reading a book he found somewhere. “I remember again why I don’t like reading,” he said, closing the book with a snap and tossing it onto his bed. “It’s boring. And the words run together in confusing ways. I dislike reading.”

“Well, we’ll be getting to where we’re going within an hour,” I said. “So get ready if you still want to go.”

He reached over and grabbed his sword that was leaning against the wall. The massive thing rested comfortably across his back, with the belt running over his huge chest. “I am ready.”

“You might want to bring a jacket or something. I don’t know how cold it’s going to be, but I know we’re supposed to be in caves or something. I can cuddle with Twilight if I have to, but I don’t think you’d appreciate that very much.”

“Perhaps it would do your mind good,” he said slithering up to me. “Having a proper male to hold you. As I have said, this refusal to follow your new nature will bring you nothing but pain. Maybe holding onto me will awaken your proper desires.” He stopped right in front of me, making sure he was displaying his chest properly.

“You’re not my type,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Grab a coat or not, I don’t care. Just do it quickly, because we still need to talk to Brook.”

“I will be fine,” he said, not moving back.

“Aren’t you married?” I asked. “Why would you even want to try to seduce me?”

“I would not be seducing you, Cain. I would simply help you return to nature. After all, I’m quite sure I would split you in half were we to try anything.”

“I’m sure your wife would look at it the same way. Now let’s go. Craning my neck to look up at you like this is annoying.”

“You will cave eventually,” he said, following me out. “They always do.” So what do the naga do with their own gays? Somehow, I suspected I didn’t want to know the answer to that. I had a feeling it would be somewhat reminiscent of a straight camp, which tend to be epicenters of gay sex and abuse.

...Not that I had ever been to one.

Anyway, he followed me to Brook, where we both took up positions in front of her. “So my queen has returned,” she said.

“Does that mean you’re going to bow down and start doing whatever I want you to?” I asked.

“What authority does a queen have compared to a god?” she replied.

“Gods are immortal and don’t feel pain. Spike killed a part of you and you screamed as it died. Doesn’t seem very godlike to me.”

“Insolence will get you nowhere,” she said, barely reacting.

“And lying will get you just as far. Everyone on this ship knows exactly how far your divinity goes.”

“Lesser beings need something to believe in, Navarone. Should you not know that from your time with the humans? If you really lived back then.”

“The Scandinavians were doing just fine without a god,” I said with a shrug. “Better than fine, in some cases. And of all the races in the world, I have only met two so far that have anything like a higher power to believe in. Monkeys and spiders. The monkeys are a small, stagnant race and the spiders are a large, hateful race full of infighting. Doesn’t seem to me that a god did either of those any good.”

“I am the reason those monkeys survived, Navarone.”

“And Arachne is the reason you were required. But I’m not here to discuss the merits of religion. We’re almost there. Get ready to go.”

“I have nothing to ready. And I am well aware that we are almost there. It feels like two of my sisters are already on the surface, waiting on us.”

“Good, we won’t have to wait on them. Get up on deck before we get there.”

“I am not some peasant to be ordered around!”

“You’re free to stay behind if you want,” I said, turning to leave. “Not like I give a fuck.”

She didn’t reply as the naga and I let ourselves out. Ames did, as we were heading up the stairs. “Are you sure it is wise to antagonize her?”

“It’s probably not, no. But these elementals need to be taught humility. They need to remember what it’s like to be afraid, to be alive. Otherwise, how else are we going to convince them to help us fight Discord?”

“That is a fair point, I suppose. But you are doing more than just trying to remind her that she can fear.”

“Yeah, well, she’s also a bitch that tried to kill someone close to me.”

“Oh ho! So I should use Spike to awaken your proper desires!”

“God, you are such a fucking pervert. Next I bet you’ll try to get me between you both, your hard, strong body holding me against his warm, lithe one while you use your tail to gently tease me and he uses his tongue to tickle my lips.” He noisily cleared his throat. “Well, that’ll only happen in your dreams. Spike’s a friend, not a pervert like you.”

“Says who?” Spike asked, stepping out of a door in front of us. “And what are we talking about?”

“The naga’s trying to make me interested in boys. I told him you wouldn’t help him.”

“Well—”

“I mean, sure we had to pretend back with the monkeys, but I know you hated that as much as I did.” He didn’t reply. “Anyway, we’re going to be there soon. You should go fishing with Gilda, Spike. And hey, see if she’s interested in the horizontal tango. Griffins are good lays.”

“...I’m going back to bed,” he morosely sighed, turning right back into his room. He slammed his door behind him.

“Wonder who peed in his cornflakes,” I muttered, continuing the walk to my room. Ames didn’t reply, so we got to my room in silence. Since we were going into the fucking ocean, I didn’t grab any weapons but Excalibur. I also grabbed my goggles, so I could see without hurting my eyes trying to look through an elemental. There was nothing else I wanted to bring since I didn’t want to risk getting anything wet, so I just took all that and went back out of my room. “Why are you following me, anyway?” I asked the hulking figure.

“...I don’t know. I just realized I was. I will see you on deck, human.” He turned back and slithered on out.

Everyone’s acting so weird lately. I just shrugged and walked over to Taya’s room, then knocked on her door. It pulled open a few seconds later. She was using her magic so she could be lazy and just chill on her bed. “We’re nearly there,” I said.

“Can I go with you down below?” she excitedly asked.

“Unfortunately, no. Only a few can go, and there are other things down there besides the elementals. I’d rather have someone large and hulking at my side than another cute and cuddly one. It’s better to dissuade attackers than it is to fight them, after all.” She sighed and looked down. “That said, if we end up being down there long enough, I’ll see if I can get an elemental to bring you down. Hopefully, though, we can get in and out of there in a day or so. I really don’t want to be down there for very long.”

“Me either. It feels almost like… we’re wasting our time, kinda. Why don’t we just drop Brook off and go get the next one?”

That’s not too bad of a question, actually. “Because if the water elementals that are already free are pissed that we’re freeing more, they won’t help us anyway. Freeing two more will only make them angrier. We need to make sure they understand that fighting back against Discord is possible and necessary. Otherwise, we’ll just be wasting our time.”

“...What do we do if they don’t help us?”

“...I’ll figure something out. I’m going topside. Feel free to join me after you eat breakfast.”

“Did you eat breakfast?”

“Look over there, a distraction!” I said, pointing behind her. She didn’t even flinch. So I just quickly grabbed her door and slammed it shut, running up the stairs to the deck. Thankfully, she didn’t follow me.

Not so thankfully, that was because she teleported ahead of me. “Daddy, this isn’t healthy,” she said, giving me a very disapproving look.

“Neither is teleporting everywhere. I already know I need to take you running, because you get winded way too easily.”

“You’re part tree! Of course I get tired faster than you do!”

I reached down and tousled her hair. “Then we’ll just have to work on that, honey. I’m sure we can find some time to do a few laps around the deck. And you can ask Doppel for good breathing exercises.”

She blinked a few times before rapidly shaking her head. “No! You always do this! You’re coming with me to go eat and that’s final!” Before I could distract her again, she teleported the two of us down to the kitchen.

“No seconds, Nav,” Sunny said. “You’re the one that put the rule up, so you should know better.”

“Hey, that wasn’t me,” I hastily said. “I didn’t know that rule was in place, either. I thought we weren’t on rations.”

She shrugged and said, “It came in a few days ago. I figured it was you that said it. Either way, orders are orders. Now what can I get for you, dear?”

“He already ate?” Taya asked, looking at me in confusion.

“Sure did,” Sunny answered with a nod.

“Then why didn’t you just tell me you ate?”

“I never said I didn’t. You just assumed.” I knelt down to hug her for a second before standing back up. “See you later, Taya.” She finally let me go back up to the deck in peace.

“What was that all about?” Twilight asked when I got up there.

“Just Taya being silly,” I said with a shrug. “You know how she is sometimes. We there yet?”

“Does it look like we’re there?” she asked.

“We’re in the middle of the fucking ocean. How the fuck should I know? I mean, we’re not in the water yet, so I assume we aren’t, but you never know.”

“Well, you assumed right. But we’re close. Probably about five minutes away.”

“Good. You mind talking to Spike? He seemed kinda upset by something.”

“I was just on the way to tell everypony I was leaving soon anyway. Do you mind taking over at the helm?”

“Yeah, Flo can guide us in,” I said, nodding. “Just make sure to tell Watcher, too. I’ll want him to know we’re leaving so he knows he’s in charge.”

“I can do that. See you in a few minutes.” I got out of the door so she could walk past, and then went up the stairs to the helm.

“We’re getting pretty close,” the dude on the wheel said.

“I heard. I’ll be guiding us in.”

“Yes ma—Wait, do you want sir or ma’am?”

“Sir.”

“Yes sir.”

Things got quiet at that point. Flo assured me we were heading the right way, so I didn’t have to correct the guy until we finally got where we were going. And then, all I had to do was tell him to slow down and lower the ship until we were finally stopped in the water.

“Well, according to Flo, this is the place,” I said.

“Doesn’t look like much to me,” the helmsman said with a shrug. “All these water elemental things. Seems like a bunch of hooey to me.”

“You have a magic horn that can do anything.”

“Yeah, so?”

Before I could tell him to keep an open mind, two fountains of water shot over the side of the ship and landed down on the main deck. “Looks like our guests are here,” I said before vaulting over the front of the helm, landing in front of one of the new elementals. “Howdy, ladies,” I said.

“Hello again, Navarone,” the one that I assumed was Aqua said. “This is my brother, Ice.”

Oh wow, so some of you do come with penises. “Nice to meet you,” I said, nodding at him. “I don’t suppose either of you know how to change someone’s gender?”

“I’m afraid not,” Ice said, taking on a humanoid form. “Aqua told us of your predicament. Our mages have already told us that such a thing is not possible for them.”

“Well, I was planning on killing myself soon enough anyway,” I said with a shrug. “Guess this just gives me a good enough reason to do so. Ice, meet the naga. You’ll probably be carrying him down, if you don’t mind.” I nodded at the hulking form that was standing behind both elementals, his arms crossed.

Neither of them turned back, though. “What did you just say?” Aqua slowly asked.

“I was introducing your friend to the naga,” I said. “Naga, no reason to be shy. Come say hi.”

Aqua surged forward, her head touching mine. Ice turned back to the naga, at least, but I couldn’t hear whatever they were saying over the sound of Aqua talking in my head. “Is this true, Flo? Does the last human truly desire death?”

“...Yes, sister, he does. Given his life, it is a desire I can understand. However, he and I both know that I won’t allow it.”

“I’m standing right here,” I said.

“Should the others learn of his desire, they may attempt to replace you,” Aqua said. “I happen to have a feeling that would end poorly for all involved. So keep your desires to yourself. Though don’t think I will forget.”

“...How much do I have to pay for you to not tell Twilight I said that?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, I know exactly how she would react, and then how you would react to her reaction,” Aqua said. “So I shall stay silent. For now. But remember that I know, and remember that we will not let you harm yourself. We’ll be watching.”

Before I could make a perverted comment about showing myself off, Twilight happily shouted, “Aqua!”

The elemental pulled away from me and turned to Twilight. “I am here, Twilight Sparkle. Is Brook in the cargo hold?”

“She was supposed to be up here by now,” I said as Twilight jumped forward to hug her elemental. After a few moments of awkwardness, Aqua returned it. “But she’s kind of a complete and total twat, so I’m not surprised.”

“Yes, Ice and I are here to talk with her about that,” Aqua said. “Alone. We should not take long.”

“Have fun,” I said. “And don’t destroy my ship. I need that for things.”

“We’ll be careful,” she said, nodding. “Ice! Let us go give our sister a proper family greeting.”

“Coming, sister,” he said. Together, they flowed down the stairs toward the cargo hold.

“I do not think I want him around my body,” Ames said when they were gone.

“Dude, you were just talking about coiling up around me,” I said. “What’s the difference?”

“I distrust him.”

“Well, your choices are Brook or Ice. One’s a twat that might infect you with herself. The other is a guy. Take your pick.”

“...I shall take Brook,” he said. “After all, I am supposed to protect you. If I use her instead of allowing you to use her, I will be protecting you from her.”

“Man, whatever. Twilight, you speak to Spike?”

“He was in bed. I didn’t want to bother him.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. None of your friends coming up here to see you off?”

“They said they’d be up in a few minutes. Aqua told me her talk with Brook might take a little while, so I figure we have some time to spare.”

“Then if either of you haven’t eaten, I suggest doing it now. We don’t know what manner of cuisine they’ll have down there.”

“I ate when I woke up,” Twilight said.

“As did I.”

I shrugged. “Whatevs. I’ll be waiting by the railing. Maybe I can catch a glimpse of where we’ll be going.”

“Have fun,” Twilight said. I just walked over to the side, Ames following me.

“I would not mind hunting in such a vast void,” Ames said, peering into the black depths with me.

“It’s definitely fucking awesome,” I said, nodding. “I only ever did it once, though. We might have time for it before we leave, though. I definitely wouldn’t mind spear-fishing again.”

“Why use a spear when you have hands?”

“Because I don’t have a strong tail that makes swimming really easy. My ancestors and I were not made for swimming. It’s fun, but only if I have the right equipment for it.”

“And a spear is part of that equipment?”

“If I’m planning on getting any fish, yes. I’m not about to wrestle a fucking shark like Gilda. We have things called flippers that we attach to our feet that allow us to swim faster. And we also have air tanks and an inflatable suit that we use to regulate our position in the water, by either making us go lower or higher. Of course, we also need masks to see and a regulator connected to the air tanks to breathe. Even then, staying down too long and too deep will kill you. Give you the bends, where you get bubbles in your blood. Or nitrogen narcosis, where you essentially get high off nitrogen.”

“...And your people voluntarily did this?”

“Shit dude, I voluntarily did that. Despite all the things that could go wrong, it was a lot of fun. Well, until the pressure gets to you and it feels like your head’s about to explode. Still, the sights you can see are amazing. Truth be told, I can’t wait to get down there again.”

“How did your species survive, again?”

“By being badass enough to know we can beat the shit out of any challenge that we run into as long as we pour enough experiments at it. We may lose people trying to figure out if something will kill you, but you better believe we’ll learn from the mistakes of those that died.” It also helps that our race was the only sapient one out there, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Your loyalty to your race is always amusing to me,” he said, patting me on the back. “I would quite like to meet more of you some day, to see if they truly live up to your description.”

“Memories rarely do,” I sighed, looking out into the ocean. Thankfully, he shut up until the elementals got back on deck. By that point, all of Twilight’s friends, Applejack, and Taya were also on deck. Taya was next to me, but she’s gotten good at reading my mood, so she wasn’t talking. Or she just realized that nothing really needed to be said. Either way, she was pressed against my leg.

“Are you ready, Navarone?” Aqua asked, moving up next to me.

“Yeah. I’m taking Ice, the naga’s taking Brook.”

“Very well. We’ll be going quite deep, but you’ll be completely protected from the pressure while inside of us. So don’t move. Just let yourself be dragged along.”

“Alright, I can do that. What kind of lighting are we dealing with down there?”

“The magical kind. You’ll all be able to see.”

“Then let’s do this.”

She nodded and motioned to Ice. “I love you, daddy,” Taya whispered, hugging my leg.

“I love you, too,” I said, patting her head. “I’ll see you soon.” She let go and I walked over to Ice and Ames slithered to Brook.

The male elemental bowed slightly. “I want you inside of me,” he said, spreading his arms.

“Then I’ll be gentle. After all, I imagine it’s your first time.”

“With a human, yes… I’ve heard they’re so different!”

“I’m just gonna love proving you’re right.” I put my goggles on and stepped into his hug, letting him absorb me. Oh baby, I love the feel of you all around me.

“So warm,” he sighed, his body quivering slightly. “Everything down there is so cold! And I’ve never had anyone fill me up like this before…”

Try not to move too much, then. It’ll make adjusting easier.

Flo finally face-palmed. “Navarone, for the love of whoever. Do you ever listen to yourself? And Ice! Don’t encourage him!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sister,” he said. “I’m just trying to make sure your host will not be hurt on the way down. If his wings are sticking out, bad things might happen.”

And I’m just trying to help him get used to me. There’s nothing wrong with that.

“Ugh!”

You’re so weird, Flo. She muttered darkly. Since she was inside of my head, I heard everything clearly, but she threatened to do things to me if I printed them here. Ready when you are, big boy.

“Then let’s get this ride done quickly. I just know the others want a piece of you!” If Flo had teeth, she would be grinding them. As it was, she was just slamming her head against something inside of my mind.

The sensation of Ice moving was… different. And when he launched himself over the side, I almost freaked out until I realized he was still covering me entirely. Then he began to descend into the depths.

So why you? I asked. Aren’t there two others down there?

“Because I’m just about all the support you have for wanting to help fight Discord. The other two are… reluctant.”

Well, we’ll just have to persuade them otherwise. I don’t suppose they believe in democracy?

“I doubt it, but we could propose a vote.”

Well, we persuaded Brook, who seemed about as much of a queen bitch as a bitch can be. Surely these two can’t be that bad in comparison.

His silence was not reassuring.

As we sank deeper, I started noticing more and more life. Fishes were the most common, of course, but plenty of everything that swam was down there. Thankfully, everything left us the fuck alone. I would have asked why they didn’t bother us, but I honestly didn’t care.

And besides, I was starting to see something far more interesting ahead of us, an outline of something appearing out of the foggy ocean ahead of us. It began as little more than a hint of shapes, but quickly started resolving into what looked like actual buildings. Soon enough, I was able to see individual buildings, along with roads separating them.

Most of the buildings themselves weren’t too strange, but the decorations on them ranged from shells to metal trinkets to what looked like bones to coral to who knows what else. Gardens of seaweed and other underwater plants grew in many of the yards and on a few of the roofs, with what looked like seahorses gardening a few of them. And after looking more closely, I could see that the main population was, in fact, made of seahorses. Large ones, of course, with upper bodies that reminded me very much of the ponies.

They were actually kinda creepy, in a way. There looked to be three races, as with the ponies. One had a horn, one had larger fins, and one was just shafted. You know, same as the ponies.

Aside from them, a few other races littered the area. I saw octopi, squids, more fishes, a few kinds of sharks and dolphins, and in one place a fucking whale. There were also a number of other things that I didn’t pay that much attention to, because I didn’t expect it would matter and I honestly didn’t care that much.

What really caught my attention was the very large building at the center of the city, what looked like a castle or something. It rose from the bottom of the ocean and went up several hundred feet, with towers and useless walls and all that other fun shit, even though they were all completely useless underwater. That’s where we were headed, of course.

“Welcome to Atlantis, Navarone,” Ice said as we got closer. “My own personal hell.”

If that wasn’t ominous, I didn’t know what was.

Chapter One Hundred and Eight—Flying South for the Winter

Chapter One Hundred and Eight—Flying South for the Winter

And uh… what exactly does that mean? I asked, dreading the answer.

“You are a very welcome ally, Navarone,” Ice answered as we got closer to the castle. “Mist and Naiad have kept me a prisoner here for a long, long time.”

God, don’t tell me they’re as bitchy as Brook!

“Not that bad, no. They have had each other to remind them that they aren’t gods. We will talk more later, though. After all, I would not want to poison your mind against my… loving sisters.”

Well, you’re doing a piss poor job at that, man. They aren’t going to try to keep the rest of us here, are they? Because I’ll tell you now: It won’t work.

“If they refuse to let you leave, there isn’t much you can do.”

You’ve never seen teleportation at work, have you? He didn’t reply. Given that we were floating over the castle walls at that point, heading toward the main door, I wasn’t too surprised. If his sisters could hear him, he’d want to stay quiet. Though he could probably just talk straight into my head, so I guess he just didn’t have anything to say.

The castle was lit up better than the rest of the city, with bioluminescent lights of some kind stuck onto the walls. I had no clue how deep we were, but I had a feeling it would be pretty dark without the city around us.

Flo cleared her throat to get my attention and said, “Now might be a good time to tell you that I know Naiad.”

“She’s changed,” Ice said.

Do you know her well enough for it to be useful to us? I asked.

“Some time ago, yes. But now… The Naiad I knew wouldn’t lock a brother up.” I smirked at that, especially when added to his name. Flo just sighed at my sense of humor.

“She might if she thought it was for my own good,” he said. “Thankfully, Aqua helped me.” We were floating in front of the grand entrance at that point, the doors as gaping as Doppel’s vagina. “Maybe meeting an old friend will put her in a good mood.”

I certainly hope so. Are we going in or what?

“We are waiting on Aqua and Brook. Your naga friend was much larger than you. She’ll have to move slower to compensate.”

There’s no reason to wait for either of them. I’m the leader of the ship. Twilight’s only coming because of Aqua. The naga is only coming for protection.

“You misunderstand. We aren’t waiting for the pony or the naga. We’re waiting for my sisters. Their passengers aren’t important. But I don’t want anything discussed without all of us there to hear it.”

Makes sense, I guess. How long do you think we’ll be down here?

“Honestly, I don’t know. Hopefully it won’t take very long. Unfortunately, though, unless you have more evidence of the element of chaos than what you showed the purple one, they may not believe this Discord is the same demon as the one we faced so long ago.”

“I faced him on the field once, brother. I know it’s him.”

Anything as evil as this Discord fellow is deserves to get his shit wrecked anyway. He tortures for the sake of torture, is cruel because it’s funny. Who wouldn’t want him dead? Especially elementals that are supposed to revere all life.

“Times have changed, human. And we have changed with them, for the worse. But there’s Brook.” He turned around so I could see Brook approaching with the naga inside of her. He didn’t seem overly happy at the moment, but I didn’t care that much. I was also able to see Twilight hanging out in Aqua next to me.

Then what are we waiting for?

He started moving by way of answer, into the inviting doors. The other two let him take the lead, for whatever reason, so I got the first look at the castle’s interior. Unsurprisingly, it was fairly bare. After all, being full of water isn’t exactly conducive to having decorations. It also had almost no one else inside. I saw a few seaponies that watched us pass by with excited eyes, and a few squids that barely paid us any notice, but the castle lacked the life that Canterlot had. Or perhaps it was the lighting, because most of this castle was dark and gloomy instead of bright and inviting.

Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign.

Instead of taking us into what was probably the throne room, we veered off down a side hall. “Unfortunately, we don’t really have that many chambers for surface dwellers down here,” Ice said as we moved. “So we’ll be putting you in the main chamber for now. More rooms will be cleared out later, if you stay long enough to need them.”

What kind of population are you looking at down here? And are they dangerous?

“They’re harmless. Everyone knows full well what happens to those that misbehave. As for the population, about fifty or so, of various races. Given the choice, I think most would very much prefer to be on the surface.”

Then why not take them to the surface?

“I asked my sisters the same thing many times.”

Oh man, this is going to end poorly… He didn’t reply.

After a few minutes of navigating through halls, he started going up a staircase that ended in no more water. Ice reached a hand inside of himself and pulled me out. As I’ve found from my test runs, the transition from breathing water to breathing air again is painful. He kept a hand on my back until I had all of the water expelled from my lungs. Watching it seep back into his body was also pretty cool. Twilight was going through the same procedure next to me, but it took her longer because she wasn’t as used to it. Ames had no problems at all, since he’s a freak.

Finally, I sat up and looked around. We were in a large chamber with several doors connected to it. Heads were poking out of each door at our noisy arrival and everyone else in the main hall was definitely staring at us. Much to my consternation, I saw that the vast majority were male. Most of them were either diamond dogs or ponies, either earth pony or pegasus. Also in attendance was a single griffin, two changelings, and a minotaur. I had a feeling Twilight was going to be very glad I brought Ames.

“When will we talk to the others?” I asked Ice, my voice hoarse from coughing.

“At their convenience,” he said. “I’m going to take Aqua and Brook to them now. It was a very wise decision, getting Brook’s support. And from what Aqua told me, you had a hard time of it.”

“This damn body is proof of the hard time,” I replied. “Tell Mist and Naiad to hurry up. I don’t want to be down here for long.”

“I don’t think that would be wise,” he said. “But the sooner we meet them, the sooner they will get here. Goodbye for now, Navarone.”

“See you,” I said with a nod as he began flowing back into the water. Aqua and Brook followed him. While they were leaving, I pulled the sword belt off my shoulder, followed by my shirt. It was wet and annoying, so I wanted to twist it dry.

While I was doing that, Twilight was looking around the room. “This place is… strange,” she said.

“Company,” Ames growled, looking ahead.

I turned that way to see everyone in the room approaching us. Most of them were staring at either me or Twilight, though a few were watching the naga carefully. And a few were also looking at him lustfully; them getting closer meant I could see more details on them, which meant I could tell the griffin had pink highlights on his head feathers. Oh boy, this is gonna be fun.

“Howdy,” I said, dropping my shirt and gripping my belt in such a way that drawing the sword would be easy.

“Never seen one of you before,” one of the dogs said. “But I bet I could make you feel better than anyone else ever could.”

“I’m spoken for,” I said. “And so is Twilight. And also the naga. So if you’re here looking for a quick lay, I suggest turning right back around and walking away.”

Sadly, none of them stopped. “So far from home…” the dog continued. “Your little boyfriend will never see you again, bitch.” I almost took that as an insult before I realized he was a dog. “You might as well forget all your old lovers. You’re in our world, now.”

The naga and I drew our swords at the same time, both of us holding them up in ready positions. Twilight quickly jumped forward, holding up one of her hooves. “There’s no need for violence, guys! Look, mister…” She looked the dog fellow up and down before continuing, “...dog, we’re only going to be here for a day or two.”

“Ha!” Each one began cracking up at that, oddly enough. “Is that what they told you? That they’d find you a ship passing by and give you a free ticket out of here? Nobody leaves this prison! I’ve been here for ten years. The only exit you’re gonna get is a one-way ticket to a watery mass grave.”

“We know the elementals in charge here,” Twilight said. “We’re here to talk with them. In fact, I bet we could even get all of you guys home!”

“Hold on, now,” I said. “Show of hands, how many of you are pirates?” About half of them made a half-hearted movement. “Yeah. I’m not going to bring a horde of cutthroats onto my ship. So why don’t you all just back the fuck off, hm?”

The lead dog’s eyes narrowed. “You’ll change your mind, bitch. It may take a year or two, but you’ll learn. And when you do… Oh, what fun we’ll have together.” He turned his back on us. “Leave ‘em alone. Maybe getting ignored’ll make them give in easier.”

“Suits me just fine,” I said, sheathing the sword.

Twilight glared my way. “Do you always have to make enemies everywhere you go, Nav? Now who am I supposed to ask about the seaponies?”

“I don’t know, maybe the seaponies?”

“...I could tell you,” a hesitant voice said. I whirled on him, drawing my sword, to find that it was the gay griffin.

“Really?” Twilight asked, instantly excited.

I grabbed her tail as she ran at him, holding her back. “At what price?” I cautiously asked, stepping in front of Twilight.

“N-no cost!” he quickly said. “Just… someone to talk to would be nice… Someone that doesn’t just want to use me…”

Twilight picked me up and moved me with magic. “Navarone, I’m an adult,” she said. “I can make my own decisions, thank you. And I’m going to talk to him about the seaponies!”

“Whatever,” I said with a shrug, pushing my sword back into its sheath. “You get raped, don’t come bitching to me.”

She gave me a very sour look before looking away, turning her nose up. “Come along, sir,” she said. “Let’s leave my paranoid friends alone so we can talk…”

When they were a few meters away, the naga grunted and said, “I don’t know which one I feel more sorry for.”

“And I don’t care,” I answered, grabbing my shirt. It was dryer, at least, but I knew it would still be annoying to put on. Since I knew no one down there would be trying anything, I left it off. Besides, it felt nice, having a bunch of people surreptitiously staring at me.

“You travel with a changeling,” a new voice said, right next to me. Once again, I jumped back, half-drawing my sword. The two changelings were somehow standing next to me, neither having made any noise.

“I do,” I said. “She’s my maid. What of it?”

“...A changeling that lives openly?” the other one asked, showing me that both were male. “Have times changed?”

“Or are you just apathetic?” the other asked.

“Both. Chrysalis attacked the Equestrian capital and got herself captured. A peace treaty soon followed. Now what do you want?”

“To be anywhere that is not here,” one said.

“We survive off… lust,” the other added. “It is disgusting and slimy, but there is no love down here.”

“Our shape-changing makes us little more than valuable commodities. We want to leave. Quickly. We will pay any price.”

“And if what you say is true, you can get us out.”

“...I’ll see what I can do,” I said. “But if you do get out with me, I’m going to leave you locked up around the masts on our ship until we get where we’re going, then I’ll be dropping you off immediately. I refuse to allow anyone any chance to sabotage my ship.”

They both nodded and one said, “Acceptable. Being imprisoned alone would be a better life than being used as a sex toy by thirty different people.”

“I’m sure. As an aside, the changeling I have with me actually prefers lust, so don’t expect any sympathy from her. And don’t worry about food while you’re on the ship. Apparently my mind is different or something, so I can attach more emotions to memories than usual. Feeding you guys will be easy.”

Their eyes lit up and both smiled, their tails wagging slightly. “Can… can I have a small taste?” one whispered, stepping forward. “Just a little bit of love! It’s been so long…”

The other grabbed that one by the tail and yanked him back. “Ignore him,” he said. “He’s been here a little longer than I have.”

“I understand. I’ll fill you two up if I can get you to the ship. So what does everyone do for fun around here?”

“Us. Or him,” one said, pointing to the griffin talking to Twilight. “We occasionally get books that aren’t completely destroyed by water, but it’s hard to read without much light. But of course, neither of us know how to read.”

“You guys should learn that before you head back to the hives,” I said. “Anyone we need to watch out for?”

“No one would be stupid enough to do anything to you unless you ask for it,” one said. “The rulers here watch everything. You break one of the rules, bad things happen. You break another one… I hope you can swim.”

“Well, that’s a plus. But aren’t you two worried about that dog? Didn’t he say he wanted us ignored?”

“Any chance of getting out of here is worth a little extra roughness if we ever spend more time with him. And that griffin likes it when they’re rough, so he’ll probably beg for punishment.” The naga snorted, but thankfully didn’t say anything. “But if we’re leaving, it’s not like it matters.”

“True. Hopefully the elementals will let me take you two. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to leave anyone in this place, pirate or not. I just don’t really trust most of them on my fucking boat. Two will be easy to control. Adding more would make it problematic.”

“We’ll obey whatever order you give, as long as it gets us out of here,” one said. “So you don’t need to worry about us ever hurting you.” Needless to say, I wasn’t planning on trusting either of them very far, but we needed to head back to Equestria to stock up on supplies if our next stop was going to be Antarctica. There’s no telling how long it might take us to dig out the two elementals there, and I didn’t think there would be a convenience store down there.

“So… what’s your name, anyway?” the other asked.

“I’m Navarone,” I said, nodding. “Naga don’t give out their names. And that over there is Twilight.”

“And you said you were both taken, right?” he asked.

“I am, yes. And you’re not going to hit on Twilight. You are going to get on my ship. You are going to keep to yourself. Then you are going to get off my ship. If someone offers to fuck you, by all means, have fun. But we have enough crew, so don’t expect to stick around.”

“Right, of course… I can wait until we get to shore, no problem.”

“Good. You do know the changeling passcode to talk with spies, right? They’ll probably shoo you off if you don’t use it and getting to a hive without their help might be hard.”

“...It’s been a while. Remind us.”

“Get them somewhere private and say intelligentsia, sentient, drone. They’ll reply with egg, larva, foal. Then you ask for suggestions on how to get to a hive or whatever. I don’t know, once you’re off my ship, I don’t care anymore. I just do suggest going back to a hive, because they have a new food source.”

They both nodded. “We need to report back to the queen anyway.”

“Hey, tell her I said hi, and that I’ll probably be coming to visit in a few weeks or months. Well, assuming she’s still in the capital, anyway.”

“...You know Queen Chrysalis?”

“Oh yeah, I met her when she attacked. I was one of the ones that helped stop her and then forge the treaty later. Let me tell you, she’s a monster in bed. Anyway, that’s not really important. So what brings two sentients to the middle of the ocean?”

And so we shot the shit for about half an hour. Twilight seemed to be getting on just fine with the gay griffin, but I made sure to keep my eye on them anyway. Since our back was still to the wall, it wasn’t hard to make sure no one got too close. And thankfully, my clothes finally dried off enough that I could cover myself again.

Finally, five water elementals pulled themselves out of the staircase. Once again, everyone in the room looked their way, expecting even more new playthings. Instead, they all got surprised by an extra two elementals. All five of them turned to me. Suddenly, I have a bad feeling about this.

“Human Navarone,” one of the ones I didn’t know said, flowing forward. “I am Mist, co-ruler of these waters.” She held a tendril out at hand level that I somewhat cautiously shook.

The other moved forward then, saying, “And I am Naiad, the other ruler of these waters. We welcome you to Atlantis.”

“Greetings, Naiad and Mist,” I said. “I’m Navarone. This is my bodyguard and that is my friend, Twilight. And I have an elemental in me named Flo.”

“A friend I am eager to catch up with,” Naiad said with a presumably false smile. Flo snorted, but didn’t say anything. “But there will be time for that later. Tell me, are any of you hungry? Or have any needs that we can help with?”

“We’re fine,” I said. “I’d much rather get straight to business so I can get back to my ship.” And out of this rotting, sunken castle. “You two,” I was looking at the changelings, “go stand somewhere else. This is private.”

“Please, Nav,” Mist said. “No business we have is private from our subjects. They are fully welcome to stay.”

“If it’s just the same, we have business elsewhere anyway,” one of the changelings said before walking away. Smart. Good. The other went with him.

It was about that time Twilight walked over, with the birdbrain following her. “So are we finally ready to talk?” Twilight asked.

“Send your friend off, and yes,” I said.

“We just went over this,” Naiad said. “It’s perfectly okay for them to hear.” I narrowed my eyes slightly at the griffon.

He took the hint and said, “It’s okay. I have a date anyway. See you later, Twilight.”

“You always scare everypony away, don’t you?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a good skill to have. Naga, make sure no one gets to close.”

He pulled his sword out and said, “That will not be an issue.”

“This is ridiculous!” Mist said. “This is our kingdom, Navarone. Who are you to place rules upon our subjects?”

“Just a private businessman, making sure his interests are being met. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“And what is your… business?” Naiad asked.

“Freeing your sisters and killing the element of chaos.”

“That’s what we were afraid of…” Naiad sighed.

“Why would the only human want to kill the element of chaos?” Mist asked. “You should be protected! Not… running about the world doing dangerous deeds!”

“If the whole world is expecting someone else to act as a hero, no one will ever become the hero. Someone has to act. Circumstances just came into place that made me the one that had to make a move. So here I am. And besides, I have no desire of being coddled and locked away as a prize. The only thing you can do for me is change me back to a guy or give me your support.”

“I’m afraid your gender is locked,” Mist said. “We don’t know how you could be changed.”

“And our support is problematic,” Naiad said. “We believe that if we begin acting, it will draw the attention of chaos. We want as little of him active as possible.”

“It’s far too late for that,” Aqua said. “Discord is following Navarone’s ship very closely. He’s already influenced many things around them, including forcing my host and her friends to stay aboard the ship. If Navarone’s here, you can rest assured that chaos knows you are as well.”

“...That is inconvenient. But still, I’m sure he will leave us alone if we don’t bother him.”

“Maybe you don’t know what chaos means,” I said. “Motherfucker’s crazy. He hurts people just to hurt them. The way I figure, he’s more likely to attack you if he thinks you’re leaving him alone. Especially since word on the grapevine is that he wants to die.”

“He didn’t seem to have that mood so long ago when we fought him, Navarone,” Naiad said. “You can ask Flo all about that. She should remember, having been there on that battlefield. Something with a death wish does not fight back as he did.”

“Unless he thought death was impossible at the time,” I said.

“Then what makes now different?” Mist asked.

“You didn’t have any humans helping you, back then. If you want something destroyed, you ain’t never gonna find anyone better at it than one of us.”

Ice jumped in, then. “And we have a responsibility to protect and guide all life, sisters. We shouldn’t need to be reminded by one of our creators, but now that he is here, perhaps it is a sign. We were made for this purpose. Why continue to shirk our duty?”

“Because we also have a responsibility here, to our subjects,” Naiad said.

“The greater good, sister,” Brook said. “Your subjects are but one small part of this very large world. And would they not do better with other waters to guide them? Think of how many of us are trapped. There are thirteen still alive, but only five here. We have a responsibility to them, as well.”

“Indeed we do,” Mist confirmed. “But new responsibilities are just as important as old responsibilities. We rule over these seaponies. We could never risk abandoning them.”

“I left my subjects behind,” Brook said. “And Aqua left her followers behind when she was imprisoned. As did every elemental, for that matter. And look how the world has fared. Civilizations and powers stronger and larger than those in our time now exist. We are not needed to rule, sisters. We are needed to guide, to advise. Our job as rulers ended when the first true nation was formed. Nomadic lifestyles like we preferred are rare. There’s nothing left for us to rule. So we must become saviors instead.”

“They rule fine without us, but require us to come and save them?” Naiad asked, a smile on her face. “How could they have come so far, then?”

“The same could be asked of you, elemental,” I said. “How well were you doing when chaos came and destroyed all you held dear? How well were your creators doing? How well has every civilization since then done? They require your aid just as you required aid when he came for you. The difference is that now, there actually is someone that can help them. That someone is you. Would you be so selfish as to deny them aid that you yourself were denied? Water elementals are supposed to be loving and protective, yet you would let the world burn?”

“And yet, you aren’t speaking of just freeing the waters,” Mist said. “You already have a traitorous air elemental on your ship. And Aqua said the cost of her help was saving the fires as well. They attacked us so long ago. What would stop them from attacking again?”

“Well, you kinda outnumber them three to one,” I said. “And we would free the waters first, so you would have all of your numbers present. Besides, that was back when the numbers were higher. If they attack you now, we’d be talking about pure extinction. Surely even a war-loving fire would prefer peace to total extinction.”

“You could be surprised,” Naiad said.

“No he wouldn’t,” Ice shot back. “You know the fires as well as I, sister. They have the same desires that we do. They just act on them differently. They would not attack while chaos was looming. Remember all the peaceful dealings we’ve had with them.”

“It is easy to speak of peace when you never fought, Ice,” Naiad harshly replied.

“Let’s not make this unpleasant,” Mist calmly said. “Even if we did agree to help, we don’t want to expose our people to the surface world. Isolation means safety.”

“Oh, it’s too late for that,” Twilight said. “I sent a letter to Princess Celestia about the seaponies as soon as Aqua told me. She’s already researching spells to resist pressure and allow breathing underwater so she can send diplomats.”

Mist and Naiad both turned a very dark shade of red, but stayed silent. I said, “Ladies, your arguments are going up in smoke. There’s no reason for you not to help us. Is there something you aren’t telling us? Some reason you don’t want to help?”

Flo broke in, using my voice. She looked over to Naiad and said, “Sister, you cared for me when I was hurt. You ferried me away from battle at the risk of your own life. You can tell us anything. We are all family here.”

Naiad moved forward until she was right in front of me, then reached a tendril out to my ear, entering me. “We are afraid, Flo,” Naiad quietly said in my mind.

“As are we, Naiad. But we can’t let fear hold us back from doing the right thing. If we don’t act, the consequences will be just as bad as if we don’t try. And if we succeed, that’s the end of it. We’ll be in peace.”

“How can you be sure? From everything those from the surface have told us, Celestia is an opportunistic tyrant eager to snatch whatever power she can. If she sends diplomats here…”

“You can just as easily send them back. But then, why would you? Navarone and I have had many, many dealings with her. She is dark, yes, but cares deeply for her subjects. She is a good ruler. And as Brook said, our time is over. The races we shepherded must make their own paths now, with us acting as mere guides rather than as rulers. But just the same, they will need help truly destroying chaos. Stopping him is one thing. But destroying him? We aren’t even sure how it could be done… Perhaps we can find a way, if we combine our knowledges. We will never know unless we try.”

“...I will convince Mist. You and your followers can wait here while I speak to her privately.”

Actually, can we go back to our ship? And take the two changelings with us?

“Why would they want to leave? All of their needs are tended to. What more could they want?”

Changelings eat emotions and prefer love, Naiad. There is no love to be had down here. They’ve been forced into selling their bodies for lust. They need to be freed.

“Then I will allow it, though I can’t imagine why they’ve never mentioned it to us before.”

Excellent. How quickly will you have an answer for us?

“I don’t know. Mist can be stubborn. And I am still unsure as well. Expect it within a week.”

A fucking week?! We could be to Antarctica by then! That was probably an overestimation, actually. But unless things went very wrong, we could at least be on our way there.

“Nothing is stopping you from leaving, human. Your friend has Aqua in her head, and she can act as a messenger.”

Good. Then we’ll be gone before the day is out. Talk to your sister.

“Farewell for now, Flo,” Naiad said before pulling out of my head. “Come, Mist. We have things to discuss.”

“...Very well, sister,” Mist reluctantly said. They both began sliding back to the stairs as the other three elementals moved up to us.

“Well?” Ice asked when they were underwater.

“Naiad agreed to appeal to Mist,” I said. “They said we should have an answer within a week. I’m not going to wait around. Twilight, can you teleport people to the surface?”

“I should be able to. I’ve been studying up on teleportation even more, lately. I want to see if I can learn how the monkey anchored a location.”

I looked around the room until I found the dull eyes of the changelings, both of whom were looking at me. When they saw me looking, they started walking over. “We’re taking those two with us,” I said.

“What is it with you and those disgusting bugs?” Twilight asked.

“Hey, changelings are fucking adorable. It’s not my fault you’re racist.”

“I’m not—Look, I invited the griffin!”

“I don’t see him here with us.”

“He turned me down,” she said. “Apparently he quite likes it here.”

Psh, what a slut. “Just because you like one race doesn’t mean you can’t dislike another.”

“He’s right, Twilight,” Aqua said. “You are letting your bad experiences color your entire perception of their race. You stereotype them based on Chrysalis’s evilness.”

“But… they’re evil!”

Since the two changelings were close enough, I grabbed one of them and held him up in front of her. “Just look at him, Twilight. How can something so cute possibly be evil? Adorable little fangs to gently tickle you with. The holey legs to hold onto while they cuddle you. The harmless little horn. Tufty ears that flop around when they move. The large, soulful eyes that cry out for love. Broken and holey wings that make you just want to hold them close and keep them safe…”

“I don’t know how I should feel about this,” the changeling I was holding said.

I casually tossed him aside and continued, “I don’t know what your problem is, Twilight. You’re just weird.”

Her face had grown steadily redder while I was talking until I finally tossed the changeling off. When I said that last line, she blinked a few times. “Me?! You’re the one that’s weird! Did you even listen to any of what you just said? All those things make them creepy, not cute! Ponies are cute, not changelings! Look at my rubbable tummy. The floppy ears! My soft, squishy body! My happy, loving eyes. And if I had wings, they’d be soft and feathery, perfect for holding somepony close!” Thank God she doesn’t have those. God, can you imagine an alicorn Twilight? Horrifying.

“You’re trying too hard,” I said. “Face it, Twilight. You’re just jealous.”

“Jealous? JEALOUS?! What is wrong with you?”

“Ahem,” Ice broke in. “While this is amusing, were you not in a hurry?”

“Oh yeah. Twilight, what are you waiting for? Teleport us up.” She sniffed and looked away. “Oh come on. What if I promise to rub your belly when we get up there?”

“It’s gonna take more than that, mister!”

“Three hugs?” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “Five? Five hugs, to be collected whenever you want. And a belly rub, of course.”

She stiffly nodded. “That will do.” Since the naga came back over when the two elementals left, we were all clustered together closely enough to be teleported easily. “I’ll see you later, Aqua.”

“Goodbye for now, Twilight,” she replied.

Ice tried saying something, but we teleported out before he could say more than a word. Thankfully, the sun wasn’t in our eyes because of the balloon, but it was still far brighter than anything the changelings had seen for years. They both hissed, slamming their eyes shut.

“That was fast,” Watcher said. “Are they going to help us?”

“We’re waiting for an answer. Tie these two to the masts, if you would. Give them freedom of movement, but make sure they don’t get off the deck.”

“Yes sir. Prisoners?”

“No, passengers. Passengers that I don’t trust. We’ll be heading back to Equestria to pick up some supplies and maybe a miner, then we’ll be moving to Antarctica. We’ll drop these two off in Equestria.”

“Easy enough. I’ll have them secured soon.”

“Good.” Since I could see Gourd up near the helm, I started walking that way until Twilight grabbed me with magic.

“I believe you owe me something?” she said.

“And you’ll get it as soon as I get us in the air,” I said. “I just want to get us moving quickly.” Her eyes narrowed, but she nodded and let me go. It was still fairly early in the morning, so the deck was mostly empty. Getting up to the helm was simple enough. “Next course is Equestria,” I said when I got up there. “We want to pick up some supplies and maybe a miner before heading to Antarctica.”

Gourd nodded. “I’ll set us a heading to a port city, then. We just need to wait until Gilda and Rainbow Dash get back.”

“Did they take a radio?” I asked.

He shrugged. “No clue. I didn’t ask.”

“Well, as soon as they get back, get us moving. How long should it take?”

“Two or three days, I imagine. And it might take us a little while in town, if we absolutely have to find a miner. Not too many ponies would want to leave their homes, especially to go to a place that nopony knows much about.”

“If all else fails, we can find books about it. Anything to report?”

“Nah, it’s been pretty quiet.”

“Good. I’m going below. You need anything, feel free to find me.”

“Yes sir.”

I walked up to the railing leading to the deck and jumped over it, landing on the deck. “You ready, Twilight?” I asked.

She smiled happily and nodded. “I’m following you.”

I sighed and started walking down the stairs to my room. Of course, as she said, she followed me. As soon as I stepped into my room, she grabbed me with magic and set me on the bed, then hopped up across my lap. “God, you ponies are such tummy sluts, I swear.”

“Well, you’re a regular slut. What’s the difference? And I’m not feeling any rubbing!”

“I don’t coerce people into fucking me,” I said, starting to gently rub her tummy.

She quietly moaned and said, “Y-you know you like it…”

“I just think it’s funny how much you guys enjoy them. Do this to a human, they’ll just think you’re weird.”

“I should t-turn you back into a pony and l-let Spike rub your belly, then! S-see how you like it.”

“Fuck no. I don’t like being a woman and I don’t like being a pony. But my times as a female pony were the absolute worst points of my life. I never want to do that again for any reason.”

She snorted, but stayed silent so she could more fully enjoy herself. After a few minutes, she sighed and finally fully relaxed. “I missed this,” she quietly said.

“All you ever had to do was ask,” I said.

“I know… But you always seem so busy. And when you aren’t busy, you seem to want to be alone. I know how you are when you get like that, so I just leave you alone. But now, since I get five hugs whenever I want, I don’t have to!”

“You’re sadistic.”

“No, just opportunistic. Besides, I know you like hugging mares.”

“Eh. It’s more fun when I’m not wearing a shirt, because of how furry and soft you are.”

“I’ll be sure to remember that.”

“Wonderful. Now are you done having your belly rubbed?”

“Hm… Nope. Only when you admit ponies are cuter than changelings.”

“Never!”

“Then I hope that stamina of yours keeps going strong…”

“I don’t know why you’d want me to admit to a lie. Sure, a few of you can occasionally be cuter, but on average, the opposite is true.”

“You’re so difficult!”

“Hey, I’m not the one refusing to let someone stop rubbing their tummy until that someone lies. You need to look in a mirror before you call me difficult.”

“I have looked in a mirror, and I saw something a lot cuter than a changeling looking back.”

“I think all that time reading in dim light has messed up your eyes, because you obviously need glasses.”

She snorted. “Fine, then. I’ll let you get away with admitting we’re the sexiest race alive, instead.”

“Like hell. You might be sexier than the changelings’ normal bodies, but you’ll never be as sexy as dragons.”

“What?” Spike gasped, standing in my doorway. I hadn’t even noticed him standing there. Twilight blushed and quickly rolled off me, standing up.

“Twilight was trying to get me to lie,” I said, brushing some of her purple fur off my pants. “I mean, you can’t deny that dragonesses are sexier than mares, right?”

“...Oh. Dragonesses. Nav, can we ta—”

A crew member brushed past him and said, “We got a small problem, sir.”

“What kind of problem?” I asked, jumping up.

“There’s a water thing on the deck that’s asking for you.”

“How’s that a problem?” Twilight asked.

“It came with an escort,” the crew fellow said.

I sighed and grabbed my rifle and one of my daggers, sliding it into a pocket. “Well, let’s go see what they want.” I walked past everyone and started heading to the deck. Spike sighed and didn’t follow, but the other two did.

When I got to the deck, I found Ice up there, looking at the tied up changelings in confusion. “What do you need?” I asked him.

“Why are these two tied up?” he asked.

“Because I don’t trust anyone that might have been a pirate,” I said. “They seemed okay with it, so that’s where they’ll stay until we get to Equestria.”

“...I don’t like it, but this is your boat, not mine. Although I would like to extend a request to go with you.”

“Sure, as long as you don’t mind staying in the cargo hold. We’re going into the cold, after all, and I don’t want you living up to your namesake.”

“I have no intention of freezing,” he said. “I just want to get out of the ocean and away from my sisters.”

“With Flo in my head and Aqua in Twilight’s, you won’t be alone for a while,” I said. “But whatevs. I’ll definitely welcome any help in dealing with the two waters we dig out of Antarctica. Aqua’s initial reaction to us was… less than welcoming.”

“I’ll certainly be able to help with that. Is there anything else you might need help with on board? I’ve been doing nothing for a very long time.”

“Ask Gourd or Watcher,” I said, pointing to the two. “I leave the day-to-day stuff to them, usually.”

“Very well. I suppose introducing myself around will be a good idea as well.”

“Sure. Also, did you have some kind of escort or something?”

“Ugh. My sisters are overly protective of me and forced some guards to go with me.”

“Well, tell them to fuck off. My crew has shit to do and I don’t want them nervous about armed outsiders off the side of the deck.”

“FLYERS, HO!” our lookout shouted, pointing off to the side. I looked that way and could just barely see two shapes flying our way.

“On second thought, don’t waste your time,” I said. “Gourd, get us in the air!”

“...Air?” Ice asked.

“Aye aye, sir!” he called back.

“You sure that’s them, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“We’re literally in the middle of nowhere,” I said. “Who the fuck else could it be?”

“...Look at your luck,” she said.

I rolled my eyes and chambered a round. “I’ll stay out here to be sure, then, if that makes you feel any better. But even if it is someone else, we still need to get in the air.”

“What do you mean, in the air?” Ice asked.

“Dude, this is a fucking airship. As in, it flies.”

“...What strange technologies have been created since last I set foot on land?”

“This wooden thing? Technology?” I snorted and shook my head. “Look who’s talking, Mr. Nanomachines. This thing wouldn’t even rate as a blip on the radar when I’m from.”

“What’s a radar?” Twilight asked.

“I rest my case.” The ship juddered and I nearly fell, but Ice shot a tendril forward and grabbed me. “Thanks. Gourd, what the hell?”

“Sorry, sir!” he called down. “Small problem in engineering. We got it fixed, no problem.”

“Make sure it stays fixed. I don’t want us falling out of the fucking air.”

“I agree with you there,” he said.

“You can let go, Ice,” I told him. His tendril pulled back. “Anyway, go introduce yourself around. Make sure they know you aren’t Brook, because she earned herself an unpleasant reputation here.”

“Alright, I can do that. Oh, and do you mind if I make someone a host if I grow close to them?”

“Go for it. Just make sure to tell them everything it entails. I know Aqua and Flo didn’t tell either of us that they could take over whenever they wanted.”

“It wouldn’t have changed my mind,” Twilight said, “but it would have been nice to know.”

He nodded. “Simple enough. Thank you for letting me come.”

“That’s what she said. And no problem.”

“But… no one female said th—Oh.” I didn’t know elementals could blush, but this fellow managed it.

Twilight sighed and said, “Get used to it. Nav here is a pervert. He looks for any excuse for a bad joke and just sticks it in.”

“If you know what she means,” I said with a smile. She rolled her eyes and Ice blushed even harder. “Alright, I’m going to talk to the changelings, make sure they’re comfortable. Ice, talk to Gourd and Watcher. Twilight, keep being nerdy.”

“I’m not… Well, okay.”

Strangely enough, Ice reached out and hugged me. “Again, thank you,” he said.

“Dude, why are you hugging me?”

“...Do you not like hugs?” he asked, still holding me.

“I’m asking why you’re hugging me.”

He pulled back, even redder, and said, “I was told hugging was a human way of expressing gratitude. Is that not the case?”

“I don’t know, I guess?” He pulled me back to keep hugging me. Twilight giggled. “Dude, you’re being weird.”

“I am feeling gratified,” he said. “So why is hugging you weird?”

“Because it’s fairly fucking obvious I don’t want to be hugged.”

He jerked back. “My… my apologies, Navarone. But how was it obvious?”

“...How much time have you spent around people?”

“Very little,” he said. Oh God, I just invited a socially awkward elemental to my ship. Great. “Is there something wrong with me hugging you?”

Before I could tell him the obvious answer, Gilda and Dash landed on the deck. Gilda had several strings of fish that hit the deck with wet thwaps. “Yo Nav, wanna cook out?”

“Hell yeah. Gilda, Dash, this is Ice. He’ll be traveling with us.”

“Hey,” Dash said, nodding.

“Sup. Nav, you got a knife on you?” I pulled the dagger out and tossed it her way. She started cutting into the fish.

“I’ll go grab another one and start helping,” I said, heading to the deck.

“But… what did I do wrong?” Ice asked as I walked.

“Ask Twilight,” I said over my shoulder. “She’s down with that friendship bullshit.” Spike was in my room for some reason. “Hey Spike, you interested in a cookout? Gilda brought some fish and we could use your fire.”

“I thought you said you hated fish.”

“No, I hate fishing. Fish is awesome. Especially fish from the ocean.” I set the gun down and grabbed another knife. It wasn’t a proper fish knife, but it would do. “You in?”

“...Sure, I guess.”

“Good.” Maybe this’ll help him get outta that funk. “Then grab a knife and let’s go.”

“Nav, I have claws.”

“Whatever. But don’t whine to me if you fuck your claws up.” He rolled his eyes and we started walking back out.

When we got up to the deck again, Twilight was still talking with Ice about stupid stuff I didn’t care about. Dash was talking to one of the changelings and Gilda was still slicing fish open. The naga was nibbling on one of the fish that hadn’t been cut open yet.

“Dude, how do you eat that shit raw?” I asked, grabbing one of them and slicing into it.

“It tastes just fine to me,” he said with a shrug. “Cooked also tastes fine, though.”

“Fuckin’ weird, man.” Thankfully, I had learned to clean fish at that point, and taught Spike to do it as well. Soon enough, we had all of them cleaned up and ready to be cooked. While Spike was doing that, I walked over to one of the changelings. “We’re heading to Equestria now,” I told him. “Should be there in a few days or something. You won’t be out here long.”

“Why does everyone here call you sir?” he asked.

“Long story that ends with me getting cursed with the body of a female. I’m actually a guy. You hungry?”

“Immeasurably, sir.”

“Alright, just steal my love as you normally would, then,” I said, leaning in and thinking happy thoughts. He touched my forehead with his horn and sucked some love out. “Not too much, now,” I said after several seconds, pulling away. He sighed when I broke contact. “I actually lose emotions in my memories when you take that stuff,” I said. “I let Chrysalis play around in there and almost went fucking crazy. You’ll have to wait until later to get your fill.”

“Alright, I can wait. Can you tell your… maid that we’re here? I would like to talk to another changeling, one that’s been to a hive recently.”

“Sure, after I feed your friend.” I looked over at him to see him patiently waiting, staring at me hungrily. The way he was sitting and with his tail wagging as it was, he reminded me of a fucking dog. “Is he uh… is he okay? Like, mentally?”

“He was down there for a while,” the changeling said. “So for a long time, he was the only thing most of the guys would have sex with. It… got to him a little, I think.”

“Sucks for him. Well, see you later.” He didn’t reply as I walked over to the other changeling.

“Do you really think we’re cute?” the fellow excitedly asked.

“I mostly said that to fuck with Twilight,” I answered. “You hungry?”

“Oh, definitely! Please, give me love!”

“Alright. Just take it like you normally would,” I said, leaning in and thinking even more happy thoughts.

He rushed forward, touching his horn to me, and immediately started sucking. “Oooh, baby… It’s been soooo long… Yes, yes!” Alright, this is really creeping me out.

I let the guy go a little longer than his friend, but his body still sagged with disappointment when I pulled away. “You can get more later,” I told him. “But feeding you guys drains me.”

“H-how long later?” he asked, his eyes wide.

“Probably tomorrow or something,” I said.

He hastily nodded. “I can wait! And you taste soooo good…”

“Thanks, I guess. Now, I’m gonna go…”

“I’ll wait for you,” he quietly said, watching me back away.

Weird as fuck, I thought to myself as I headed to the stairs going down.

“Just be wary of him,” Flo said. “He didn’t seem like the dangerous kind of creepy, just the slightly obsessive kind.”

“Which can turn into the dangerous kind. If you were a slutty bughorse, where would you be?”

“In a stallion’s bed, getting railed from behind while my tongue lolls out and drool seeps down my chin,” Flo answered.

Hot. Since I didn’t want to interrupt that, though, I knocked on her door. A tired-looking Doppel opened it a few seconds later. “Yes, master?” she asked.

“We got two changeling guests on the deck that would like to meet you,” I said. “Dug ‘em out of a sunken city.”

“Ooh, more changelings! Ever since Eva and Ganger left, it’s been kinda lonely here. I’ll have to talk to them. But why didn’t they come down here to meet me?”

“Because I don’t trust either of them. I got them tied to the masts.”

“That’s cruel!”

“Not, like, completely constricted. More of a leash or something to make sure they don’t leave the deck.”

“Oh. Well, let me just get cleaned up and I’ll go talk to them.”

“Doppel, you’re sexy even without getting cleaned up.”

“Oh, you! I still need a shower, though. I’ll be up when I’m done.”

“Alright, cool. See you later, then.” She nodded and went back on into her room, shaking her sexy rump. I watched for a second or two before heading back up, where the fish was done. “You work fast, Spike.”

“Well, fire breath is hot,” he said with a shrug.

“No complaints from me. Think we should invite Kumani?”

“She didn’t help catch or clean or cook,” Gilda said. “That means she doesn’t get to help eat.”

Spike shrugged. “Fair enough to me.”

“Just don’t tell her that I agreed,” I said, grabbing one of the fish. The other two smiled and we started eating. Soon enough, most of the fish were gone, devoured with the bones tossed over the side for good measure.

“I think that calls for a nap,” Gilda said, stretching languorously.

“You earned one,” I said, using a knife to pick something out of my teeth. “Hey Spike, you want to do something fun?”

“You bet I do!” he quickly answered, perking up. “Can I pick?”

“No. Go find Rainbow Dash and ask her to teach you all the ins and outs of flying. You’ll love it, I promise.”

“...That doesn’t sound fun. Hey, why don’t you teach me?”

“Because she knows that shit better than I ever will. I fly enough to get by. She flies like a pro.”

“Hey, I could teach you,” Gilda said. “In fact, let’s do that right now.”

“Works for me,” I said, nodding. “Have fun, Spike.”

“But—”

Gilda grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him up. “Come on, big guy. Let’s get you started.” He just sighed and followed her as they walked to the front of the ship. Good, maybe he can get laid. That would do him some good, I bet.

Thankfully, that cleared my schedule entirely. I grabbed the leftover fish and brought it all down to Kumani’s room. I found her in there, struggling to go over some of the old papers we had worked on while I was teaching her to read. “Brought you brunch,” I said when I walked in.

She looked up with a smile. “Smells like fish. I haven’t had any of that in a while.” I tossed one at her and she snatched it out of the air with her mouth. “Definitely fish,” she said, nodding. “Cooked by… dragonfire?”

“Yep.” I set the rest down on her desk. “Having fun trying to read?”

“It’s getting easier. I believe I have most of the letters down, now.”

“Want some help?”

“Sure.” She grabbed me and sat me on her lap, so I could read over whatever she was trying to read. “Hm. You smell salty.”

“I went down to the bottom of the ocean earlier. That’s probably why.”

“Probably. Anyway, shall we?”

And so we did.

A few hours later, she was about ready to stop. That was understandable. She was doing well and you can only look at words and letters so long before you go mad. “So you want to go fishing?” she asked.

“Ship’s moving and in the air,” I said. “I probably can’t fly fast enough to keep up to it. You’re welcome to go if you want, but I can’t.”

“...There really isn’t that much for us to do together on this ship, is there?”

“Not really, unfortunately. I guess we could practice combat together, but I still need to get my armor modified for my new body.”

“Hm… There’s another kind of wrestling we could practice, if you’re up for it…”

“...If by that you mean sex, no. I’m currently bleeding down there and it hurts and it’s nasty and I don’t want anyone near that.”

“Oh. When will you stop bleeding?”

“No fucking clue. Less than a week, but I know almost nothing about human vaginas other than that they feel good when you put your dick in them.”

“...Why not?”

“Well, how much do you know about dragon penises?”

“Uh… That they feel good in my vag, I guess. Alright, I guess I can understand.”

“You can, but at the same time, it’s different. There’s a lot more to vag care than there is to penis care. Thankfully, Flo happens to know most of it, so I shouldn’t end up with any kind of nasty infection.” I hope. God knows I don’t want a blue waffle. “But they’re hella nasty when compared to dicks. Thank God I can’t get pregnant. I’d rather stay abstinent than risk having to force a child out of that thing.”

“...Yeah, I can understand that. Now let’s stop talking about it.”

“Gladly. So… what do normal people do in relationships?”

“I dunno. I’ve never really had one…”

“Huh. Well, I guess I can go drop my armor off now that there’s almost no chance I’ll be getting fixed any time soon.”

“And I guess I might as well drag Spike out flying, teach him the ropes.”

“Good luck,” I said, nodding. “Last I saw, he was with Gilda, learning from her.”

“Hey, maybe my job will be easier then. Still, I bet there are differences between wings like mine and feathers.”

“There are a few, but not many. I’ve had practice with both because magic.”

“Eh, I think I prefer you with feathers. They’re fun to run my claws through.”

“And it’s fun for me, too. Those leathery wings didn’t have the same nerve clusters as these, so no wing molestation.”

“What a shame that would be,” she commented, reaching down to tweak at one of them. “Now, I’m gonna go find Spike and you need to get that armor done so we can do some fighting.”

“Yep. See you later, I suppose.”

She pulled me in for a short kiss and said. “Later.” She walked out first so I could watch her ass as I walked up to my room behind her.

Thankfully, my room was devoid of supplicants, so I didn’t have to worry about appeasing anyone. Instead, I just started pulling the armor off the ceiling. It all came down easily enough. Since it was annoyingly hard to carry without putting it in something, I used my blanket as a bag and just carried the entire set down to the makeshift smithy.

Smiles was reading a book in there and Jak’s door was closed again. The bat horse jumped when I dropped the bag to the floor with a loud clatter. “I need this resized,” I said.

“I uh… I heard about what happened,” he said, tossing his book aside.

“I’d certainly hope you would have, since that was a day or two ago and this is a small ship. When can you have this armor fixed?”

Once again, I got pulled into an unwanted hug. “And I just want you to know that I’m here for you, Nav.”

“Smiles, knock your shit off or I’m going to kick you right in the dick.”

“What—”

“Right. In. The. Dick.” He immediately pulled away. “When can you have this armor fixed?”

“...Less than a week. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yes. Tell Jak we’re heading back to a port city to get some supplies, so he can get all the metal he can find there, as long as he can afford it. I’m not going to pay for his pet projects until they start benefitting the ship.”

“Yes si—ma’am.”

“It’s sir, Smiles. I just happen to have the wrong genitals. I’m still very much a guy. Come find me when the armor’s done.”

I turned to go, but he quickly said, “I need to measure you.”

“Well, make it quick,” I said, turning back.

“You’re… gonna need to lose the clothes,” he said.

I rolled my eyes and started stripping down. “I don’t know why,” I said. “Aside from the boots, I’m not planning on wearing any of this without some kind of clothes underneath.”

“I need to know a base measurement,” he said. “And… why are your… your mammaries on your chest?”

“Our babies are considerably more helpless than yours, so we evolved to have the milk dispensers in a place that we can easily hold babies against. Your babies can stand within two or so days of being born. It takes ours months to stand. So reaching crotchtits is easy for you guys, but not so much for us.”

“Oh. That’s weird. Why would your foals be more helpless than ours?”

“In this time period, I couldn’t tell you. In ours, it was to support our large brains. They took more development time, so a child is helpless for years, making sure his parents take care of him in his vulnerable child-state.”

“...How do you know all this, anyway?”

“I was a student before I got pulled away. And some of it is just common sense, when you start thinking about it. Anyway, start measuring.”

“What about that?” he asked, pointing to my panties.

“Not taking them off,” I said.

He shrugged and walked over to a desk, pulling out a tape measurer and a notepad. “Hold still, then.” He walked back over and started measuring me. It was a lot more awkward since he didn’t have magic. After a minute or two, he asked, “Sir, are you in… heat?”

“Humans don’t have heat, Smiles. However, you could say that I’m in anti-heat. We can successfully breed at any time, but there are times when we’re more likely to succeed or less likely to succeed. Right now, I’m at the point where my body should be the least likely to succeed, if I remember right. It also hurts like a bitch and makes me irritable, so I suggest you hurry up and stop ogling me.”

“...Yes sir.” He didn’t ask any more questions, aside from having me move around occasionally. Finally, he said, “All done. You can put your clothes back on, if you want.”

“...If I want? Are you saying you want me to keep them off?”

He looked away, blushing slightly. “W-well… You know I’m gay, sir. So it’s not like I’m attracted to you or anything…”

“Oh, I see how it is,” I said, picking up my clothing. “You just wanted me for my body.”

He flinched and his head jerked my way. “N-no! It’s not like that!”

“Well, you’re not interested in me now, are you? And you just said you weren’t attracted to me. So is looks all you really care about? And now that I don’t look like a man, you don’t want me?”

“No!”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I… I thought you didn’t want me to want you!”

“Oh, I didn’t. And I don’t. But just because I’m a chick doesn’t mean you can’t be gay for me.”

“...What?”

“Dude, I don’t know. I’ve been in a weird, trollish mood today. I’m just gonna get dressed and go. Make the alterations on the armor, and just change it to fit me. Don’t make it all girly or emphasize my body or whatever stupid thing you armorers do.”

“...Of course not.”

“You better not, Smiles. I’ll kick you in your dick.”

“I know, sir.”

“Good.” Since I was now mostly dressed, I nodded once and walked out, fully expecting to get back in a few days and find nothing more than a platemail bikini that offered more protection than the old one did, because videogame logic.

Since I had nothing else to do that day, I just went on into my room and read for a while. It was nice.

Several hours later, I decided to take a break and head to the deck to see what all was going on. Kat and the spider dude were up there. She was teaching him to swab the deck, if you know what I mean. Truth be told, I didn’t want anything to do with them at the moment, but they had already seen me and going back in would just be rude.

So out I walked, heading to the very front of the ship. Of course, Kat intercepted me halfway there. “Hey Nav, I wanted to talk to you about… Spider.”

“Shit, did he really pick that name?” I asked.

“Yes. But he insists that it wasn’t your fault. Or at least, that he didn’t do it because he was afraid of you.”

“Don’t they always say that?”

“...Yes. But I’m going to take his word for it, because what else can I do?”

“Spank him and tell him to stop being afraid of women?”

“It’s hard to tell when you’re being serious or not sometimes.”

“Yeah, I get practice. So what did you want to talk about, then?”

“Ways to help him adjust. He’s still deathly afraid of females and very subservient to them.”

“Give him to Watcher, Gourd, or Jak. All three of those are guys that are in positions of command that have things he could do and all three are nice enough to take care with him. But I suggest Gourd, because there are a lot of things Spider could do to help out on the ship.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” she said, nodding. “I guess I’ll ask Gourd if he can use Spider, then. Sands know I don’t have much for him to do…”

“Teach him to read,” I said with a shrug. “It’s always good to have everyone on board being able to read. That’s why I’m teaching Kumani.”

“I can do that in our spare time, then. But don’t you think it would be better if… say, you taught him?”

“No. And I’m not going to, either. I don’t like spiders, Kat. I will tolerate him because he is sapient, but if he couldn’t talk, I’d throw his ass over the side in an instant. Keep that in mind before you ever ask me to do anything with him.”

“Why do you hate spiders?” she asked. “Is that not racism?”

“No, that’s speciesism. Big difference. And even then, it’s hardly that. After all, I’m tolerating him just fine. I’d even let him date my daughter, though I’d probably be extremely passive-aggressive about it. I just happen to want as little to do with him as possible.”

“Again, why?”

“Because my mother was absolutely terrified of all bugs and she raised me almost alone. So whenever a bug would show up, she’d scream in terror at it. That irrational fear transferred to me, and since I know it’s irrational but I’m still afraid, I’m angry about it. That angry fear equates to hate.”

“Oh. You really should get that sorted out. Perhaps this is a chance to do that!”

I rolled my eyes, having had this conversation before. “I’m quite alright with my irrational hatreds. They keep me warm at night, when I’m cold and have no one to cuddle with.”

“...You could cuddle with me instead.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, if Kumani ever leaves. But until then, I’ll stick with my irrational hatreds. Find someone else to teach him to read, or do it yourself.”

She sighed and nodded. “Very well. I’m sure there’s some male on this ship that wouldn’t mind teaching him to read… I guess I should start looking. See you later, Nav.”

“Good luck,” I said, nodding. I continued my walk to the front in silence, happy to have that fleeting moment of social contact gone.

We stopped in some random port city two days later. The two changelings very excitedly watched it approach from the sides of the ship. “How’s it feel?” I asked the sane one.

“Like coming home,” he quietly answered. “I thought I would never see land again…”

“Well, you got a long way to go before you get to the hives. And despite peace between the ponies and changelings, ponies are still wary of them. I suggest using a disguise when you leave.”

“So it’s the same as usual,” he said, nodding. “At least Doppel told us how to find other changelings.”

“Yeah. It would be a pain in a city of that size.” I pulled my key out of a pocket and unlocked his bindings. “You’re free to go as soon as we get close enough. Take care of your friend. I think he’ll need the help.”

“Yes sir. And thank you. If you ever need help, just find me and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Stay out of trouble, man.” He went back to watching the city approach as I walked over to his friend, the less sane one.

“So close,” he whispered when I got close.

“I bet you’re looking forward to it,” I said.

“More than you could possibly know. Just imagine… being a pet. For three years, being a pet and doing whatever anyone wanted… Being whatever they wanted… Pirates. Sadists. Monsters… And in the end… I liked it. Became addicted, in a way… Is that wrong?”

“No, it’s not.” I unlocked his binding thing. “You did what you had to do to survive. There’s never anything wrong with that. You’re free to go as soon as we get close enough. Just go in disguise.”

“...Thank you.”

“Anyone woulda done the same,” I said with a shrug, turning to go. He didn’t reply.

And that was the end of those two.

While we were in town, I dropped off a package containing all the human books I had translated in my spare time. I also sent a few letters, though I made sure to tell the receivers not to reply. Jak dragged Smiles down to the junkyard and looted as much scrap as they could carry. And of course, Watcher sent out word that we were looking to hire a miner for a dangerous and cold operation.

Our first few applicants very quickly decided against going with us when they learned that our previous miner had been violently murdered by ghosts. The next few decided against it when they realized just how cold it would be. One fellow saw the giant spider and just turned around and walked away.

Finally, we got a visit from a representative of a large mining company. We were currently docked at the skyport when she flew in. I was on deck, watching the naga and Spike fight. She was a well-dressed and relatively professional-looking businesshorse that looked upon their display with just a twinge of distaste.

“Can I help you?” I asked, walking over to her.

“Are you… Watcher? Or Navarone?” she asked.

“I’m Navarone,” I said, nodding. “You don’t quite look like a miner.”

“I represent a company called Miners Without Borders. Do you have some place we can discuss a possible partnership?”

“Yeah. Just come with me.”

“Very well.” I walked past Spike and Ames, heading to the door going down. She skirted widely around them, making sure she wasn’t anywhere near where they might hit her. Since I expected Watcher was in his room and that room was considerably more professional than mine, I led her there.

Thankfully, my expectations were proven accurate. “Watcher, you got a minute?” I asked.

“What do you need, sir?” he asked. I stepped inside, letting the representative enter behind me. She took a spot in front of his small desk while I leaned on the wall.

“Hello. I am Ms. Crabapple, here on behalf of Miners Without Borders. My company has learned of your interest to mine in the lands far to the south and that you are looking for miners to assist you.”

“You’re close,” Watcher said. “We need a miner to help coordinate our efforts. My team is good at many things. The correct math behind planning tunnels is not one of them. We know what we want and we know where it is, but getting to it is problematic.”

“I can work with that,” she said, nodding. “We are interested in expanding our operations. That continent is not officially owned by anypony, so it is fully within our right to mine there freely. However, it is dangerous and the startup capital required to outfit an airship like this one is immense. We will give you the assistance needed in procuring your artifact if you will protect us in the initial setup phase, as well as allowing us to use your airship to transport our sensitive equipment.”

“What kind of contract are we looking at?” Watcher asked.

“It will take us at least a full month to have all of our equipment operational in the area at which we were looking, and perhaps two weeks extra to have our own airship fully fitted for the journey. So you would be helping us for about a month and a half.”

I shook my head. “No abouts, ma’am. Give us a concrete time.”

“Mercenaries with a schedule,” she said, smiling. “I like that. I will have to consult with my superiors, but I can guarantee that it will not be more than two months.”

“Are we gonna get anything else out of it?” I asked.

“If all goes well, you will be given the opportunities for future work with our company,” she said. “And I have been authorized to pay five thousand bits upon the completion of the job.”

I looked over at Watcher. “Thoughts?”

“Two months is a long time, sir,” he said.

“We still got a few days before they give us an answer anyway,” I said, tapping my head. “And once they do and we get the two from the ice, they still have to deal with the ones in the water. Way I figure, a town like this doesn’t have many freelance miners. Even fewer that would be willing to head down where we’re going. I don’t want to sign my soul out to a company, but the money’s nice and two months of simple guard duty will be even better after dealing with the giant fucking spiders.”

“All good points. But it’s still technically Gourd’s ship. We’ll need to talk to him.”

“Yeah, fair enough.” I looked back to the lady. “When can you have a contract drafted up?”

“Give me a few hours to talk with my superiors,” she said. “I can be back before nightfall. If you agree to the terms, we can have the ship loaded with the mining supplies in less than three days.”

“Alright, awesome,” I said, nodding. “Just find me, Watcher, or Gourd when you come back tonight, then.”

“I will do that. It will be a pleasure working together, Navarone.”

“I certainly hope so.”

When she was gone, I went to go find Gourd. Watcher beat me to him and was already talking about it. I just settled back to listen and jump in when needed. “Why this ship?” Gourd asked.

“Because this ship is already outfitted for it,” Watcher said. “It’s fairly obvious, looking at it from the outside. And since we’re looking for a miner anyway…”

“Yes, yes. Do we know any details yet?”

“She said she would come back later, after we had a chance to talk to you and she had a chance to draft a contract,” Watcher answered. “As Nav pointed out, we almost definitely won’t find a miner willing to go with us unless we go to a mining town and ask. And even then…”

“I know. I’m not complaining, Watcher. The money’s nice and it’s a good opportunity. But this is the south pole we’re talking about. Do you really want to be down there for two months? Most of my crew is already moody enough. I don’t need to make them depressed by keeping them in darkness for two months.” Oh shit, I forgot about that.

“We have unicorns and we have pegasi. It won’t be that hard to change the weather,” Watcher answered him.

Gourd sighed and shrugged. “Alright. The ship can handle it just fine. I made sure that little hiccup was fixed, so we’re flying high and strong. We’ll just need to spend a little extra time on maintenance. Be sure to ask that representative if any proper engineers are coming.”

“We’ll do that,” I said, nodding. “Though you can meet with her, too.”

“...I suppose I might as well. After all, I’m gonna be the one to have to explain it to the crew.” Good, that means I don’t have to.

“Tell them to absolutely stock up on books, luxury items, and warm clothing,” I said. “I’ll be doing the same for everyone else. It’s gonna get really boring really fast down there, especially since it’ll probably be way too cold to go out safely. And if any of the crew feels like getting into some illicit relations, they better have some protection. I don’t want to deal with pregnancies at all, let alone for two months.”

“Noted,” Gourd said, nodding.

“Already taken care of,” Watcher added.

“Then I’ll make sure to tell everyone on my end,” I said. “I don’t want anyone bored enough to try their luck in Athena’s realm.”

“I know some ponies who would kill for a chance there,” Watcher said.

“Then don’t tell them about it, because chances are, they’d die for a chance there. I’m gonna go talk to our passengers before that lady gets back here. I’ll see you two then.” They both nodded and I wandered off.

Twilight and her six friends were, of course, somewhat displeased upon learning my plans, but thankfully calmed down well enough when I explained why we were doing it. Most everyone else didn’t care that much, though Ames and Doppel were more depressed than the others. After all, neither of them could really survive well in the cold. Many of them grabbed some gold and went into town to pick some stuff up for the extended trip. Thankfully, Rarity had been able to sell off some of her spider silk outfits and picked up a nice profit that she shared with her friends, so none of them needed to borrow gold from me.

The businesspony came back as she said she would, bearing a briefcase with a contract. Watcher and I read the terms while Gourd pelted her with questions. To make a decently lengthy story short, we signed the contract. Seven weeks of our lives would be spent working for Miners Without Borders, which I still thought was a pretty stupid fucking name.

They began loading up the next day. Our ship was mostly full of food and other various supplies, but they wormed drills, pickaxes, shovels, miners, and other things of that nature wherever they could fit them. A lot of it ended up lashed to the deck. Included in that ‘a lot of it’ was a very large drill that looked quite out of place on our airship.

Finally, three days later, we were ready to depart. All of my crew was accounted for, Miss Crabapple and her miners were on board, our ship was full to the brim with supplies and equipment, and spirits were neutral at best.

So began a trip that would quite possibly haunt me for the rest of my life.

Chapter One Hundred and Nine—Ice, ice, baby!

Chapter One Hundred and Nine—Ice, ice, baby!

The day after we left, I woke up to a very welcome surprise: A complete lack of blood flowing from my funhole. That was good, because I was running out of towels. But it was also kinda bad, because it meant I had been stuck in the wrong body for around a week. Longer, if you count the time spent in South America.

But it at least put me in a better mood, a mood that Flo decided to ruin. “There’s a small problem with going that far south,” she said while I was getting ready for the day. “It will be too far for me to do anything except guard your rest.”

“That certainly sucks. But I have a feeling that I’ll be asleep for most of the trip, anyway. That’s one reason I didn’t care too much that it would take us almost two months.”

“I rather doubt that will be the case,” she said. “Naturally, yes. But you have magic on your side. Twilight might not allow you to sleep if she’s stuck on guard duty.”

“I’m not above slapping her shit. Luna kept telling me that keeping me awake with magic was a bad idea. I can only assume that there’s a good reason why, a reason I don’t really want to find out.”

“Most of the unicorns on the ship would probably make you stay up, actually. It’s only fair, after all. You signed them up for the trip. You should suffer it with them. And besides, I have a feeling Ms. Crabapple and her employees might be less than pleased if you were constantly unavailable, given that you’re technically the leader of the ship.”

“...And I don’t really want to mess with her security detail, even if there are only three of them.” One very large diamond dog, one griffin, and one minotaur that thankfully didn’t recognize me as a forerunner or whatever. Each one looked like they had seen their fair share of action. None could really do much of anything to me or my crew, but still.

When I got up to the deck, Gourd called down from the helm, “We’re going around South Equestria this time, right?”

“Fuck yes we’re going around,” I called back. “I’m not about to fight hordes of giant spiders while we have civilians on board.” Many of which were on deck, actually, because there wasn’t any room for them to sleep inside. Needless to say, they all heard that little exchange and very quickly nodded, adding their agreements.

“Just checking,” Gourd said. “We should be there within four days.”

“How long until it starts getting cold?” I asked. “We’ll need to find space somehow for some of these guys to get inside, if they have to sleep in that.”

“We can use a shield to keep the worst of it out,” he said. “All the wind and the snow. The cold can be staved off with blankets. I know Crabby packed plenty.”

“It’s Crabapple,” the mare said, stepping out from the hole heading below. She was one of the only ones in the mining group that had an actual room. “My miners are being paid to deal with the cold. They will manage. What was that about spiders?”

“The big landmass south of Equestria,” I said. “It’s mostly covered in an extremely hostile race of giant spiders. We actually have a less hostile one on board, but I told him to stay out of sight as much as possible so your miners wouldn’t freak out.”

“You should have informed me of this, Navarone,” she coldly said.

“Spider is a member of my crew. His presence here is non-negotiable. And he’s a child, so he’s mostly harmless anyway.”

“...Oh. A child.” She sounds almost… disappointed? “Very well, then. He shall not be a concern. And you said that the others are hostile?”

“Extremely.”

“Then I suppose a visit would be ill-advised. I doubt there is much to mine there anyway.”

“Silk. Someone on my crew makes clothing and she made a small fortune off selling the stuff she made from the silk we gathered. If you could get a few spiders to constantly make silk for you, there’s no telling how much you could make. It would be hard to feed them and keep your secret hidden, though.”

“...Interesting. How much would you charge for going back and capturing some of them for us?”

“There isn’t enough gold in the world. Besides, I left on… decent relations with them. I’m not about to ruin that by attacking them.”

“Very well. I’m sure I can find somepony that would be interested in it.”

“Their funeral,” I answered with a shrug. “When we get to Antarctica, how long will it take for your crew to set up so we can get to where we need to dig?”

“A week at most. It is hard to know for sure, with the conditions down there. You will, of course, leave most of your crew behind, to protect us.”

“Right. We only need so many people blasting rocks to get us to our goal.”

“Which is what, exactly? If we are going to be partners, I would like to know what my partner is looking for.”

“Fair enough. Come with me.” She didn’t comment as I led her back into the ship, and then to my room. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anywhere else to keep Ice since the cargo hold was now open to the miners. So he was just chilling in my room.

Get it? Chilling? Because his name is—Yeah, fuck you, too.

Crabby didn’t even notice him when she walked in. Probably because he was completely silent and it was dark. “So why did you need privacy?” she asked.

“Meet Ice,” I said, pointing to him. As soon as I said his name, he lit up slightly, going into a more active state.

“Hello, Miss Crabapple,” he said, bowing slightly.

She stared at him, the first expression other than boredom or disdain on her face that I had ever seen: Surprise or wonder. “What… are you?”

“What he is isn’t important,” I said. “What is important is that there are two more like him trapped under the ice. We’re going to get them. That is why we needed your company.”

“And what exactly does he… do?” she asked.

“He’s a helper,” I said. “Long story short, they can do a lot of things. And they happen to be useful to me, so I’m going to get them. If it makes you feel any better, Celestia herself knows I’m doing this.”

“Yes, I’ve read about you in the papers. Sir Navarone, defender of harmony and several other titles. I suppose they give the ‘sir’ title even to female knights. I was wondering why you turned mercenary.”

“I imagine several people are. Is your professional curiosity sated?”

“Yes, now that I know you won’t be competing against us in the mining scene. I take it you want this kept quiet?”

“You take it correctly,” I said, nodding. “Though that means poor Ice here is gonna be stuck in my cabin instead of actually being able to help around the ship.”

“Why does it matter if anyone knows about me?” he asked. “You told Spider that as long as he was careful, he could move around on the ship.”

“All of my miners have non-disclosure agreements,” Crabby said. “It would be a simple thing to just tell them not to say a word.”

“...Wish I had known that. I wouldn’t have had you watching me sleep last night. Ice, you’re free to do whatever. Just, you know, remember where we’re going and how cold it is.”

“I understand,” he said, nodding and turning slightly pink. “It will be nice to make some friends…”

“No it won’t,” Crabby said. “Is there anything else you need to show me, Navarone? Or tell me about? Perhaps some magical automaton that’s liable to go crazy?”

“No, Jak isn’t finished with that yet. He’s working on it, though, don’t you worry.”

She pursed her lips before saying, “It’s a shame we need this ship. I’m going to go find this spider. I’d rather know what it looks like before it runs into my miners.”

“Have fun with that,” I told her, nodding.

“Unlikely. I despise children.” She walked off, heading down the hall.

“She isn’t very nice,” Ice said.

“Just needs to get laid,” I replied with a shrug. “Well, feel free to mingle, then. I don’t suggest getting too close to the miners, because we’re not taking any of them with us when we leave.”

“Hmmm… I think I’m going to get to know Miss Crabapple!”

“Good luck with that. She seems like the type to get very angry at people that bother her over trivial things like friendship.”

“But doesn’t everyone need friends?” he asked, honestly seeming confused.

“...You’ve been talking to Twilight too much.”

“Well, you did tell me to ask her about friendship.”

Oh boy. “Like I said, good luck. I’m washing my hands of it.”

“Do you need some water?” he asked. “I have plenty you could use. Though they don’t look dirty…”

“Wow. You are out there, man. Go make friends.”

“...You know, we could become better friends. I-if you want, that is.”

Ugh. “I know someone you’ll get along with perfectly, actually. Let’s go find her.”

“Okay!”

Flo, are there other elementals like this? I mentally asked as I led the way out into the hall.

“He’s young… comparatively speaking. And without knowing for sure, I’d say that Naiad and Mist kept him very sheltered. Male water elementals are rare, after all.”

Why would being male matter? You can’t tell me that you guys reproduce with something as mundane as sex.

“Rare things are usually protected. And male company is always welcome, with or without the possibility of reproduction. Our hosts are usually of the opposite gender.”

“So who are we going to meet?” Ice asked.

I knocked on Fluttershy’s door. It opened a few seconds later, the timid buttery mare inside looking up at me in surprise. “Oh, Nav! Did you… need something?”

“Fluttershy, this is Ice. He wants to be your friend.”

“Hello, Miss Fluttershy,” the water fellow said, moving forward.

“Oh! Hello… Nav, have you been avoiding me?”

“Fluttershy, if I had been avoiding you, why would I come to your room right now? I would just send Ice your way. That’s just silly.”

“So do you want to stay and talk with me and Mr. Ice?”

“Look over there, a distraction!” I pointed behind her and didn’t even look to see if she fell for it before running away back to my room. When I got there, I firmly pushed the door shut and locked it.

“That was rather rude,” Rarity said.

I jumped and turned around, seeing her in my room. “How did you—I just left!”

“Then I suppose I just missed you. I was just going to ask about clothing and blankets for our trip south.”

“Well, ask away.”

“It was mostly concerning the miners. Despite our destination, it seems that many of them don’t have proper coverings. I was wondering if I should make warmer clothing for them with the silk that I have.”

“Ask first. Like, ask them first. Or ask Crabby. I’m okay with you doing it, as long as you focus on my crew and the soldiers first. After all, we’re the ones protecting them. They have unicorns to put up a field base as soon as we get there, but if there’s any fighting, we’ll be doing it, probably outside.”

“That’s certainly understandable. I’ll have to recruit Fluttershy to help me get them out in time, though.”

“Well, you knew we were gonna be headed south soon…”

“Actually, I didn’t. You have made it a point not to tell anypony anything, Navarone. You are unhealthily keeping to yourself, wallowing in misery and self-loathing. As somepony who has been there, I know the signs.”

“That’s nice. I think Crabby was looking for Spider, so if you want to talk to her, look for him.”

“You need an outlet, Navarone. Preferably somepony to talk to.”

“I have one. She lives in my head. Why do you think I’ve been in here so much? I’ve been talking to her.” Come on, buy it…

“He’s lying,” Flo said through my mouth.

“Don’t listen to her!” I said. Rarity lifted an eyebrow. “Flo likes making me suffer. She’ll take any chance she can get. Now…” I unlocked the door and opened it for her. “...feel free to go talk to Crabby now.”

Rarity walked over and sat on my bed, staring at me. “So let’s talk, then.”

“Look over there, a mirror!” Once again, I was out the door before I had a chance to see if she looked. I didn’t go very far, though, because Taya’s room was right next door. Thankfully, she wasn’t diddling herself, because I let myself in without knocking. At least this time I made sure to look around before locking the door.

“Daddy, what are you doing?” Taya yawned, just having woken up.

“Avoiding people,” I answered with a shrug, walking in further so I could hug her. “And making sure my adorable, loving daughter is feeling okay.”

“...What did you do?” she asked, just sitting in her bed and accepting the hug like the cuddle slut she is.

“Nothing, nothing.” Rarity started knocking on the door, then. “Just ignore that.”

She sighed, slowly face-hooving. “I know you’re in there, Nav!” Rarity called through the door.

“She doesn’t actually know that,” I whispered.

“Daddy, you can’t use me to hide from everything.”

“Sure I can! Or at least, the things like this that I want to hide from.”

“If you don’t go out there and talk to her, I’m going to start calling you mommy.”

I flinched, instinctively hugging her tighter. “C-come on, Taya. Don’t joke about that! We can talk about this…”

“I’m not joking about anything, mommy.”

“Surely there’s something else you want. It doesn’t have to be like this!”

“She’s going to get bored soon and leave, mommy. And then… Well, I think you know what’ll happen.”

“Oh come on. There has to be some kinda price. Just name it!”

“...Anything?” she slowly asked.

“Within reason. You know my limits, my loving, wonderful daughter.”

“Remember when you first found me, and we… slept together?”

“Yeah. How could I forget?”

“Can we go back to doing that? I… I never had bad dreams, with you right there. And since we’re going further and further south, into the cold…”

“That’s perfectly alright,” I said, nodding. Especially now, since I don’t have to worry about morning wood. “Just, you know, these beds are really small.”

“I know, daddy,” she said, finally hugging me back. “Now, shhh.” She pulled away and her horn lit up. I jumped in surprise when I realized I was invisible. She hopped off the bed and walked over the door, opening it to reveal an irate Rarity. “Yes?”

“Where’s your father? I know he came in here!”

Taya looked behind her, beholding an empty room. Rarity also poked her head in. “You know how he is,” Taya said with a shrug. “He probably just opened and closed my door to make you think he came in here.”

“...Perhaps. Well, if you see him, tell him that his friends very much want to speak with him. He has been avoiding the subject for far too long.”

“It isn’t the human way to talk about things like that,” Taya said, shrugging. “What is there to say, after all?”

Rarity sighed and gently brushed her hoof down Taya’s hair. “You really don’t spend enough time around ponies, dear. I know Nav is your father, but you should spend more time with your own species.”

Taya pulled away, used magic to push Rarity away, slammed the door, and then locked it. She turned back to me and made me visible again. “Problem solved,” she said.

“Yep. When did you learn that invisibility spell?”

“Twilight taught it to me when we all pooled our magic together to cover the ship when we went to scare the spiders. It’s really hard and I can only hold it for a minute or two on my own, though.”

“Just need more practice with it, I guess. It’s definitely a useful spell. Anyway, Rarity’s probably fucked off by now, so I’ll let you take a shower.”

“Daddy, are you saying that I stink?”

“I’m saying that you need a shower. It’s good to take one when you first get up. Helps you keep your eyes open. And also, yes, you stink. See you later, dear.”

When I hopped up to head to the door, she hugged me. “It’s not that bad, is it?” she asked.

“I love you, stinky or not,” I said, patting her on the head with one hand while using the other to hold my nose shut. “But if it’s all the same, I’d prefer you clean. So yeah, have fun.”

She sighed as I walked on out. Truth be told, she really didn’t stink. I’m just a bad person that wanted to be alone. But, you know, she also needed a shower. Unfortunately, I didn’t get my desire, given that Smiles was in my room when I got there.

“Seriously? Again? I swear, I need to put a fucking sign on my door that says do not enter. I was gone for less than five minutes!”

“Well sorry,” he said. “I was just gonna tell you that your armor is ready. You need to come try it on.”

“Well, that’s a plus,” I sighed. “At least you aren’t here to bother me, like Rarity was.”

“I could if you wanted, sir.”

“Shut up, Smiles,” I said, walking back out. He followed me as we went to the smithing room. “If I get there and the armor is pink, I’m castrating you.”

“I know.”

“And if it accentuates my chesticals, I’m giving you to Rarity and letting her play with you.”

“...Chesticals?”

“Boobs. Breasts. Tits. Mammary glands. These things on my chest, Smiles.”

“Oh, those. Speaking of which, what do they even feel like?”

“Like a fist to the face,” I said. “Wanna try?”

“...No sir.”

“You sure? I’m having a special today. Touch both and you’ll get a kidney punch to go along with your face punch!”

“...I’m not interested, sir.”

“Good. You’d still fuck me in the ass though, right?”

He sighed and said, “Nav, I’m sorry for harassing you like I did. I know it was wrong. That’s why I stopped. You don’t have to get revenge…”

“I know, but it’s funny. And now you get to feel awkwardly uncomfortable. Everybody wins!”

He sighed, but said, “To answer your question, yes.”

“Which question?”

“Yes, I would still fuck you in the ass. But only from behind, so I don’t have to remember you’re a girl.”

“Oooh, kinky!” Thankfully, we got to the armory, so I didn’t have to continue that awkward conversation. And my armor was sitting on a table, so I started putting it on immediately. “Any modifications that I should know about?” I asked.

“Just size, sir.”

“Good.” I went silent as I continued putting it on until I was finally done. “Yep, fits like it should,” I said, nodding. “How’s Jak’s project doing?”

“He moved it onto the deck last night,” Smiles answered. “I warned him it was gonna get cold, but that didn’t stop him.”

How did I miss that earlier? “Well, that’s on him. As long as he doesn’t get frostbite, whatever. Did he fix up my armor, or was that you?”

“I did most of it, under his supervision. All of my practice was with pony armor, not… biped armor.”

“Well, ya did good. Now, I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing.”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Then I’ll let you get back to it. See you later, Smiles.”

“...Yes sir.” I walked off yet again, content in the knowledge that my steel armor was once again ready to be used. Even if, you know, I had a set of carbon fiber armor that was considerably stronger. It was also more giving, which led to problems.

Thankfully, my room was finally empty when I got back. I peeled the armor off and hung it back on the ceiling where it belonged, then pulled out a book. Before I could start reading it, Flo said, “Rarity was right, you know. Not about you talking, but about needing an outlet. You’ve been using fighting practice and sex as band-aids for a while, but with Kumani not really interested and with all the miners and their equipment on deck, there’s not much you can do.”

I tossed the book aside, walked up to the door, closed it, dropped my pants and panties, and walked to the bed. Then I furiously touched myself, just to prove Flo wrong. It took a while, but I’ve fucked enough chicks to know where their right spots were. When I was done, I cleaned myself up, put the panties back on, grabbed the book again, and settled down. I’ll give the monkeys one thing: Those silk panties were freakishly comfortable against my new contours.

“You have problems,” Flo said.

“And you don’t?”

“Just because I might have some problems doesn’t mean that I can’t point out that you have some as well. Though I already know you know.”

“Then why say it?”

“Because reminding myself that I’m the normal one in this relationship keeps me sane. I’m really looking forward to the day I get freed. Being able to see you again will be nice.”

“Note to self: Make sure to free you last and make sure the other elementals will protect me…”

“But I thought you liked being more huggy! I just want to snuggle you, Navi.”

“And you call me the weird one. You better be willing to put out or I’ll have to limit your hugs.”

“Like you could stop me. I’ll team up with Taya and Twilight. We’ll hold you down and hug you forever.”

“Ugh. You people are weird.”

“Maybe, but you love us anyway.”

Feh. I finally started reading my book, happy to be left alone.

It took us exactly as long as Gourd predicted for us to get there. Thankfully, the weather was actually clear instead of extremely cloudy. If we had been dealing with both darkness and clouds, finding the spot Crabapple wanted us to annex would have been impossible. Even without cloud cover, though, it was colder than the ninth layer of hell down there. Temperatures were easily in the negative forties.

Because of that, Watcher and I ordered that everyone stay inside the ship unless they absolutely had to be on deck. The halls were cramped with all the miners in there, but at least no one would die of exposure. Unfortunately, I was stuck on deck since I was in charge. Not so unfortunately, I was standing cuddled against Kumani, who didn’t seem bothered by the cold in the slightest. Hell, she was actually putting off heat.

“Nice and clear out here,” she said as we flew over the icy terrain.

“Dark, though. And cold,” I replied. “I can honestly say that I hope we don’t have to do any fighting down here.”

“Well, it’s a long shot, but…” She pulled one of my naga daggers out of its sheath and used it to pierce her underbelly, where the scales were the weakest. “Try drinking some of my blood.”

“What.”

“Look, dragons are magic. We have some interesting properties. I know drinking dragon blood does really, really weird things to some of those that have tried it. So just… try it. It might keep you warm.”

“...Okay, but I want you to know this is weird.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I just sighed and leaned in to her belly, taking a lick at the blood. The first sensation I felt was absolute pain, since it felt like the stuff was on fire. But I was used to that from all the time I spent eating her out, so I kept licking it up and swallowing it. Thankfully, my tongue was completely numb from the cold and then the heat, so I didn’t taste it.

When it stopped bleeding, I pulled away. I actually did feel a fire in my stomach, making me wonder if I would have diarrhea for the first time in years. Instead, that warmness started spreading throughout my body, leaving a tingling sensation as it went. “It’s… working,” I said, my eyes widening at the feeling.

“Whoa, really? I just wanted to see if I could get you to taste my blood!”

“...Why?”

“I dunno. So you actually feel warm now?”

“Warmer, yeah. Thanks, babe. But I don’t plan on making a habit of it.”

“Good. That kinda hurt. Though your tongue did feel nice…”

“Let me stop you right there. I am not and will never be into anything involving blood.”

“Just sayin’,” she muttered, rubbing at the spot with one claw while the other passed me the dagger.

I licked off the small bit of blood still on the tip before sheathing it with a click. “Looks like we’re slowing down,” I said, looking back to the helm. “We there?” I called.

“Just about,” Gourd called back. He was the only one up there, because he didn’t believe in making someone do something he didn’t want to do himself. “You lovebirds having fun?”

“I would,” I said, “but she’s too afraid her tongue will freeze to my snatch. That would be pretty awkward for the miners to walk up on, so we’re behaving.”

“You are some kinda twisted,” Gourd called back, shaking his head. “Mind going down there and telling everyone we’re just about there? I think Watcher wanted to do a short scouting op.”

“Easy enough.” I pocketed my gloved hands to preserve at least a little warmth before walking to the doors heading down. Kumani didn’t follow me, since she was out there as our quick responder in case anything happened. As soon as I opened the door, I got a number of groans and gripes from the miners that felt the painfully cold wind shooting in. Of course, I paid them no mind, though I did close the door as quickly as possible. “Almost there,” I said, not walking further in.

Watcher was standing near the door, thankfully, so he just nodded. “I’ll get a team ready. You mind if I send Spike with ‘em?”

“Go for it. The cold doesn’t even bother Kumani, so I assume it won’t bother him either.”

“Good. I’ll have them ready in five.”

“Tell them to pack flashlights. It’s dark out there.”

“We all have the same eyes you do, Nav,” he said. “We’re ex-night guard, after all.”

I just shrugged. “Whatevs. I’m going back up.”

“See you in five, then.” I nodded and popped the door, to the sound of more groans and whimpers. “If you didn’t like the cold, you shouldn’t have signed up for this damn trip,” I said, stepping back out and pulling the door shut. “Damn crybabies. Watcher’s getting his team together,” I called up to Gourd. “This the place?”

We seemed to have stopped, at least. “Yes sir,” Gourd said. “Looks pretty clear to me, though Celestia knows I don’t have eyes like yours.”

“I’m not seeing anything either,” Kumani said. “Want me to take a quick look around?”

“Make it really fast,” I said, nodding. She spread her wings and jumped off, flying around the ship a few times before landing.

“Nothing. As far as I can tell, it’s perfectly clear. Why this spot, anyway?”

“Surveyors picked it,” I answered with a shrug. “We get paid no matter what they find here, so it’s not like I care. Crabby said there was a lot of metal under us, so I figure they just want to be close to where they’re working.”

“Makes sense. Just keep the tunnels heated and they don’t even have to worry about building an actual base.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind helping found Raven Rock down here. Mind, I wouldn’t want to actually live here, but a nice little mining colony would be neat.”

“...What?”

“Never mind.” Thankfully, the doors opening and a few people stepping out into the frigid cold saved me from having to explain myself further. Out walked Spike, two of the pegasi, and Watcher. Three of them flinched from the cold, but Spike didn’t seem to mind it, as I was expecting. “Bitter, ain’t it?” I asked, smiling.

“I’m far, far too old to be in this kind of weather,” Watcher said. “You three know your jobs. Get to them.” The two soldiers nodded and took off, not wasting the time or breath in the freezing air to reply.

Spike looked down at Watcher in concern. “If this is bad for you, you should go inside!”

“If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you. You have a job to do. Do it.” Spike sighed and took to the air, flying to catch up to the two scouts that had left him behind. “Children,” Watcher sighed, shaking his head. “For all his tough act, Spike is still young.”

“Why do you think I haven’t given him much to do?” I asked. “He’s mature in some ways, but childish in others. I don’t trust him with too much just yet.”

“Good. Maybe in a few years, but not now. Anyway, it is cold up here. I didn’t even realize how bad it would be.”

“Intellectually, I knew,” I said. “But I’ve never felt anything like this. If we have to fight anything out here, what are we gonna do?”

“It’s possible to put up a weather shield for a short time. And our pegasi can keep the skies clear. I think Rainbow Dash was some kind of weather pony back in Ponyville. Fighting out here will be hard, but possible. We’ll have to melt off the snow and ice around the base and rebuild it with something more stable, if whatever’s under the ice isn’t stone.”

“I definitely don’t want to be fighting on ice, that’s for sure. Did we ever find out what exactly we’re supposed to be protecting them from?”

“I asked. Crabapple didn’t say. One of my troops started a pool, though. The main contenders are undead, penguins, and boredom.”

“I’d put my money on boredom. I doubt there’s anything hostile out there. Maybe a few curious animals that we’ll scare away or kill for food.”

“I hope it’s undead,” Kumani said, smiling. “I’d love to burn those with dragon fire. What about you, old man?”

“I’m not a betting pony,” Watcher answered grimly. “I’ve never been this far south. Never even heard rumors about it. That’s a sign, to me. In a world full of this many species, surely we would have heard something about this area, even to just stay away.”

“You didn’t know anything about South America or Africa,” I said. “The cats were living right next door to Equestria and no one even knew what they were.”

“Not true,” Watcher replied, shaking his head. “A few of us knew. We just didn’t know the information was important until the expedition had already left. And we knew very clearly to stay away from South America. Here, it’s just a… void. A discomforting lack of information. I’m not a betting pony… but it’s not a bet to say there’s a reason we haven’t heard anything about this area.”

If that didn’t spook me out, I don’t think there’s much else that could. Either way, the scouting group got back a few seconds after he finished, so they took our attention. “Nothing to report,” one of the soldiers said. “This place is empty, as far as we can tell.”

“Think we should check to see if the ground’s stable?” I asked.

“Yes, that would be wise,” Watcher said, nodding.

“Kumani, stay here this time, please,” I said.

“Hey, I didn’t know we were right over a mining shaft.”

“Yeah, and we don’t know that we’re not this time, either. So let’s just assume it’s going to break and send us careening to a more lethal death if it gets too much weight on it.”

“...Are you calling me fat?”

“That’s my cue to bail.” Before she could reply, I jumped over the side. Thankfully, she didn’t follow me down. The two guards did, though, which gave me the chance to see that they were the same two that fell into the hole with me before. “You two get all the shit duties, don’t you?” I asked when we were on the ground.

“We’re specialized in cold ops with limited movement,” Nightshade answered.

“And besides, being a scout is more fun than sitting on the ship,” Shadow Fall added.

“I’d rather be warm than in this shit,” I muttered, slowly walking around. All I heard in the massive wasteland of snow and bitter cold was the crunch of snow under my booted feet and their hooves as they followed me. After nothing happened for a few steps, I started kicking some of the snow off the top to see if I could get a look at the ground. Turns out there was nothing under the snow but ice. “Thoughts?” I asked, turning to them.

“Seems fine.”

“We can’t check anything else without magic. And didn’t this place already get surveyed? I think it’ll be fine.”

“Good enough for me,” I answered with a shrug. “Let’s get back to the ship.” They both nodded and we took off, flying back up. “It’s fine, as far as we can tell,” I said when we got up there.

It seemed Miss Crabbypants came up top to see what the holdup was, because she replied, “Good. Bring your ship in close and we will begin unloading immediately. I’d rather get this done before night.”

“...Before night?” I asked, looking up.

“Yes, before night.”

I shrugged and called up, “Gourd, bring us lower. We’re going to start unloading.”

“You got it, Nav,” he called back, kicking the ship into whatever gear it is that brings us down.

“Make sure your miners work quickly,” I told the chick. “We don’t want to risk getting caught in a storm with them outside.”

“I am well aware, Navarone,” she said, walking back to the door. When she got to it, she started calling instructions down. Soon enough, a few grumpy miners came out on deck and started grabbing the shit they left sprawled around on deck. When we got low enough, they started tossing some of it off the side while the rest of it went to the sides, to be lowered down more carefully.

Of course, Crabby demanded that all of our guards be on station, since loading and unloading the ship would be our most exposed moment. Thankfully, Watcher and I both actually agreed with that, and so it was done. As expected, most of them didn’t like it. Also as expected, Watcher and I didn’t really care that they didn’t like it, since both of us were out in that shit, too.

Though I did have the benefits of a hot dragoness standing next to me, her blood and body keeping me warm. Not that I was really a fan of having her blood in me, but still.

“You know what would be fun?” Pinkie asked from her spot next to me. I didn’t want her there at all, but I couldn’t really force her to stay below. I figured, you know, the -40 degree weather would do that.

“Getting my dick wet,” I said.

“But you don’t have a—”

“Finish that and I’ll cut off your tail.”

“We should play some music from the ship’s speakers!”

Kumani nodded and said, “Yeah, that does sound fun. Might get these lazy guys to speed up.”

“You know what wouldn’t be fun?” I asked.

“Getting my tail chopped off?” Pinkie replied.

“Blasting loud music, in the dark, over a massive, flat field made of ice. If the lights on the ship weren’t projecting our presence enough, the music would probably do it. We don’t want to make it easier for whatever we’re guarding against to find us. And God help us if the noise breaks the ice under us or something.”

“Who’s God?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll tell you now,” I said.

“Really?!”

“Sure, why not. Half of my species hates the other half, so they made up a thing called religion. In charge of this religion is a person named God, who has ultimate power over absolutely everything. And this God person is an absolute dick, so it’s a good thing he either doesn’t exist or just doesn’t care enough to do anything. A lot of people worship him since they believe in ancient stories made up by sheepherders in a time before writing.”

“Huh. Then why do you thank him all the time?”

“...What part of anything I’ve done makes you think I’m a smart person? Besides, I grew up around it and I don’t like change.”

“But I grew up around rocks and I don’t like them!”

“Yeah, but your parents and grandparents didn’t tell you that you would be tortured for all eternity if you didn’t like them. Because that’s very much what happens when you don’t believe in God like a good little peon. Stockholm syndrome is fun, ain’t it?”

“...That doesn’t sound like fun,” Pinkie slowly said, looking at me dubiously.

“Now you’re thinking with religion,” I said, smiling. “Imagine sitting in a building for an hour while someone older and supposedly wiser tells the entire room full of people that are all smiling and nodding that each one of them is a monster, an evil, horrible monster that deserves to burn for all eternity. And then you sing songs praising the person that made you that way, for the privilege of going against our very human nature so we don’t get tortured when we die.”

“...I don’t want to imagine that,” she said, looking away.

“Yeah… If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have to imagine it. I lived it.” I heard a crack on the deck and jerked my head to the cause. One of the miners accidentally slammed something into one of the siege weapons on board. “You break that, you better know how to repair it!” I shouted at him. He flinched and quickly moved away from the heavy weapons. “Damn groundies,” I muttered, my wings twitching. “What were we talking about?” I asked.

“...Cupcakes,” Pinkie answered.

“Bleh. You know muffins are better.”

“I’ve never had either,” Kumani said with a shrug.

Pinkie’s head snapped to her so quickly I almost thought it broke before I remembered that it was Pinkie. “We’re going to have to change that,” she quietly said, her eyes wide and a smile coming to her face.

“No giving the dragon diabetes,” I said warningly.

“If Spike can eat ten tubs of ice cream with no problems, Kumani can eat a few cupcakes, Nav!”

“Don’t know if I want to, though,” she said, pulling me close. “Nav here is sweet enough as it is.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Pinkie sighed, shaking her head. “She never let me taste…”

“You know what we should do?” Kumani asked.

“Is it fun?”

“We should use Nav to glaze the cupcakes!”

“Alright, that’s just disgusting,” I said, breaking in. “So you better find me some alcohol first so my inhibitions are lowered.”

“I’ll go find Zecora,” Pinkie quickly said with a smile, before I could tell her that I was probably joking.

“What better way to warm up?” Kumani asked, lifting me up for a hug.

“I thought you didn’t like sharing.”

“Eh. Besides, I never said I’d be sharing them. I mostly just wanted her to go away.”

“Well, it worked. And do you mind putting me down?” She let go and I fell back to the deck. “You know, if they had your mighty muscles helping them unload, it would probably go faster.”

“Yeah, it probably would,” she said, not moving.

“You want to go help them out?” I asked.

“Not really.”

“What if I offer to kiss you?”

“You know I could just steal all the kisses I wanted, right?”

“Yeah, but then it wouldn’t be as fun anymore. It would be an all the time thing, not a special thing.”

She rolled her eyes at the sappiness and said, “Alright, I’ll go help them. But I’m collecting when I get back!”

“Of course, of course…”

With Kumani’s help, the unloading went a lot faster. I watched in some manner of awe as the unicorns with the miners very hastily put up a partially pre-built housing area. Of course, most of what they had to do was stack parts together and add bolts, but it was still really interesting to see an entire building get built so quickly.

“It won’t last very long,” Twilight said, looking at it. “A few snow storms and I bet it’ll collapse.”

“It isn’t made to last long,” Crabby replied. “Just to get my miners off the ship and working while the unicorns begin building the more permanent structure around the mine itself.”

“Hold on,” I said. “You’re going to make the miners live on top of the mine?”

“That is standard, yes,” she said, nodding.

“...Do you ever sometimes lose entire mining crews, just having them die in their sleep?”

“Once or twice,” she said. “I believe the cause was some kind of ghost, since nopony saw what did it.”

“Wow. You guys are… Wow.”

“What, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“Alright, you know how you breathe to live, right?” I asked.

“Nav, I’m not a foal.”

“Right, sure. Then you know that there are other gases out there that will kill you if you breathe them, right?”

“Of course. You made some yourself and put them in some cannisters.”

“Yeah. Some of those poisonous gases occur naturally, underground. Those gases rise up above the air when they’re released. So if there were miners sleeping above the mine, in a place with poor ventilation, and some of their friends happened to hit those gases…”

“...They would die,” Twilight gasped, her eyes going wide.

“Which is why my crew is going to be sleeping on the ship,” I said, nodding.

“That’s preposterous,” Crabby said. “If such a thing was true, somepony would know about it!”

“Oh yeah, because you guys are so science-oriented,” I said. “You still believe Celestia makes the fucking sun move. Of course you don’t believe in poisonous gases. Whatever, though. As long as I get paid, I don’t care. Don’t expect me to go down into the mines without a little mockingbird next to me, though.”

“...Why a mockingbird?” Twilight hesitantly asked, thankfully ignoring what I said about Celestia.

“Because my people had a way of detecting that gas back before we had the technology to do so. Put a bird of some kind in a cage and carry it with you. It’s smaller, needs less air to live. So if it suddenly stops singing…”

“...You found poison,” Twilight said, sighing and hanging her head. “I should have known it would be morbid…”

“Yeah, you should’ve.”

“How do you even know all this, anyway?” Twilight asked.

“I read a lot. If you want to improve the survivability of your miners, I suggest putting them in a separate building. Attach the two with a covered hallway so they don’t freeze, and have a way to seal off the mine.”

“I will bring that up with my supervisors the next time I see them,” Crabby sarcastically answered. “Now, I have business to attend to.” With that, she stretched her wings and jumped off.

“She doesn’t seem like a very nice pony,” Twilight said.

“Just needs to get laid.”

“...Aqua doesn’t think that would help.”

“Eh. We won’t have to deal with her too much. Our job ends soon enough, after all. Also, how can you still hear Aqua?”

“She moved closer. And she said she’s also more powerful than Flo because she’s in her native element rather than trapped in stone.”

“Lucky you. It’s quiet in my head. I’m already feeling lonely.”

“You can always talk to your good friends,” she said, moving closer to me with a big ol’ smile on her face.

“I lost those when the stones broke,” I said.

She blinked a few times before she got it and her smile dropped. “Ugh. I meant us, Nav. While it’s nice to see you spending more time with Taya, we know you’re just doing it to avoid us. And she probably knows it too, which just does wonders for her self-esteem. We’re your friends, but now that you have this big ship and all these soldiers, you’re pretending like you barely even know us.”

“...Sorry, what was your name again? It’s been bothering me for the longest time.”

“Nav, I’m being serious!”

“Hi, Being Serious. I’m Nava—Ow!” She fucking bit me! Right on the arm! I mean, the heavy jacket I was wearing absorbed most of the damage, but still! “What the hell, Being?”

Being Serious narrowed her eyes and said, “Nav, if you don’t stop this right now, bad things are going to happen to you.”

“Stop what? Why would my good friend do anything bad to me? You should be nicer than that, Being.”

...It took me three hours to remove all the snow she stuffed into my clothing. Most of it melted, leaving my room a nasty, cold, wet mess.

Three days later, we finally saw another living thing. It had been eerily quiet and calm up to that point, with no clouds forming and no movement at all on the wastes. We didn’t even feel any wind. Every one of us knew that was unnatural, so tensions were starting to get high on the ship. Thankfully, the miners were blissfully unaware of all that, since they were underground or in their hab all the time.

Anyway, back to the penguin we saw. It was way off in the distance and we only noticed it because Gilda drew the short straw when it came to watch duty. “Hey Nav!” she called down from her spot on the balloon.

As it turns out, I also got really unlucky when drawing straws. “What?” I called back.

“The fuck is that thing?” she asked, pointing toward it. Turns out she was picking up some of my curses. Fuck sounds better than buck, apparently.

I looked up to see where she was pointing, then followed her talon. Since I couldn’t see whatever it was for shit at that distance, I pulled up my rifle scope and looked through that instead. I didn’t have the actual rifle up there, because I figured the stuff inside it wouldn’t take too kindly to ‘fuck you’ degrees of cold.

Anyway, I zoomed in as far as the scope could go to get a better look at the thing. Most of it was black and I saw a tiny bit of orange at the top. I put apples and oranges together for the fruit salad and realized it was a penguin. I just couldn’t see the white half because it was standing god knows how far away on an icy, snowy plain.

“It’s a penguin,” I called back.

“Think it’s edible?” she asked.

“Give it a few minutes, see if it comes closer,” I said. “If it doesn’t disappear, we’ll find out. I wouldn’t mind some fresh meat.” But wouldn’t that sorta be cannibalism? Sadly, Flo didn’t sarcastically answer me.

“Works for me, I guess,” Gilda said, probably shrugging. “Want me to keep an eye on it?”

“Nah. I got the scope on it. You keep looking for other things.”

“Eh, whatever.” She started doing that while I just watched the penguin fuck around for about ten minutes. There wasn’t too much for it to do, since it was a penguin in an icy place. I was in the middle of wondering how it got food when Gilda called down, “Can I go get it yet?”

“Go for it,” I said. “But if it starts talking, don’t hurt it.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“I’m serious, Gilda. I’m okay with hunting. I’m not okay with murder.”

“I know, Nav. Don’t be such a dweeb about it.”

“What did I say about that word?”

“Hey, it’s been a few weeks since I said it! Now shut up and let me fly.” I didn’t reply, but she didn’t wait for me to anyway.

How the penguin reacted to Gilda flying at it was unexpected. First, in that he noticed her at all. For penguins, death comes from below or laterally, not from above. Second, in that he started waving a flipper at her. Then she snatched it from the ground and started quickly flying back.

When she landed, she hit the deck and then dropped the dazed penguin in front of me. “There, happy? I didn’t kill it.”

“...Did it talk?” I asked.

“Yep. I don’t think it liked being carried, either.”

The penguin slowly sat up. When it saw me, its eyes jerked open and it yelled, “Wack!”

“Dude, chill,” I said before I realized. Gilda gave me a short glare for the accidental humor. “We don’t bite, only nibble.”

“Psh, speak for yourself,” Gilda said. “I don’t nibble, I just suck. And then swallow, of course.”

“Slut. Penguin, do you understand what we’re saying?”

“Wack wack wack!”

I slowly looked over to Gilda. “You said it was talking.”

“You don’t understand that? He said yes and asked for your name.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Dude, why would I be joking? How can you not understand him?”

“Because he just keeps saying wack!”

“No, he’s saying wack.” She paused for a few seconds before blinking and adding, “Oh yeah, you don’t speak bird.”

“God dammit, Gilda.”

“Wack wack wack wack wack wack.”

“He says his name is Gunter.”

“Well, take Gunter back to where you found him. I don’t need a fucking Amber Alert: penguin edition added to the list of bullshit I have to deal with.”

“Alright, whatever.” She shrugged and grabbed the penguin again before taking off. A minute later, she was back on board. “He said you remind him of his ice king or something, whoever that is.”

“Fucking penguins. Got an entire civilization down here with their own king, but they can’t even speak common. Whatever. As long as they stay on their side of the frozen wonderland, I don’t even fucking care.”

“If they start bothering us, can we eat them?”

“...I’ll think about it.”

“Awesome. I’ll keep an eye out, then.” She went back up to her roost on the top of the balloon. I just shook my head and went back to watching the endless ice for anything out of place.

Finally, after we were there for about a week, the large mining hab was finished. That meant a few things. First, that the mining could truly begin in earnest. Second, that excavations for the elementals could also begin. Third, that my ship left, leaving me behind with most of the soldiers.

I volunteered to lead the detachment left on the base because I figured I wouldn’t have to go outside as much and I couldn’t use Flo to find the elementals anyway. Guess which one I told the others. Most of the unicorns went with them, since they needed to blast rock and ice out of the way. Ice also went with them, though we weren’t planning on melting the elementals until we had them back in the base.

Unfortunately, Spike drew the short straw for being the dragon that got to stay behind. So Kumani went with the ship as a heavy lifter, meaning I didn’t have anything to relieve the burning sexual desire I almost constantly felt. Though to be fair, I couldn’t have fucked her anyway since it was so damn cramped in the mining building. The stares I kept feeling from the miners and Crabby’s security detachment didn’t make me feel any better about that.

But I was able to zone them all out with my laptop, though my attention kept getting demanded by a bored Spike or a moderately irate Ames. The naga wanted to spar, even though there was absolutely no room for that kinda bullshit. The biggest empty space in the entire place was about five feet by five feet, and he can take up about half of that with his tail alone. I just showed Spike porn and that shut him up for hours, though he would often cast very quick and furtive glances my way.

That was life for two weeks. The ship would come and go, filling me in on the progress it was making. Thankfully, the weather finally stopped being constant and started to get pretty ugly, but Dash led our group of pegasi and broke that shit up quickly. I don’t think the weather gods liked that, so they responded with more and more clouds. After four hours of cloudbusting, even Rainbow Dash was exhausted.

Oh, the weather outside was frightful, but the fire inside’s delightful. And since we had no place to go, we let it snow.

Snow it did. The amount that fell was disturbing and also kinda ridiculous, but we were at the south pole, so I wasn’t expecting anything better. When the ship got back, they melted all that shit off of us.

Then it snowed again, covering us anew. That was the pattern for the first three weeks there. No snow for the first two, then nothing but snow for the third. It was miserable.

But it was better than what came after. “We have a problem,” Crabby told me. At that point, I had been kept awake by magic for nearly an entire week, and I was starting to feel a little… jittery. I dreaded to think how I would feel in a month.

“What kinda problem?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“We’re not finding any ore here,” she said.

“Sounds like a problem, alright,” I said. “Your problem, not mine.”

“But we found something else.”

“What kind of something else?” I sighed, getting bored.

“A door.”

“A door? Where does it lead?”

“We couldn’t open it. Magic works on it, but it’s not budging and we can’t seem to melt it open.”

“Then go around it. Or under it.”

“There’s nothing around it. And I decided to wait for you to check it out to begin going under it.”

“Why would I check it out? It’s a door, not a monster.”

“Some of my crew heard… whispers.”

“So it’s a whispering door, now.”

She narrowed her eyes. “As your boss, I order you to investigate this door, Navarone. You and your team have done nothing so far but use up our resources. So start doing your job!”

“Fine, geez.” I turned the laptop off and set it aside, then grabbed my sword belt. “The reason we ain’t done nothing is because there ain’t nothing for us to do.”

“I’m well aware. But now that there is something for you to do, you are going to do it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Lead the way to this scary door.”

“Grab a jacket. It is much, much colder in the mines.”

Ugh. “Give me five minutes to get changed, then. I’m not about to go down there in a skirt.” ...As it turned out, skirts were also really comfortable, as long as you didn’t mind showing off occasionally.

“Very well. I shall be waiting at the mine entrance.” She walked off.

One thing I quickly realized is that there were almost no female miners and there were no private rooms. Everything was communal. That made for an awkward time when I changed, because just about every single straight guy stared. Of course, I’m a complete and total slut, so I made sure to put on a little show each time.

Unfortunately for them, I didn’t have the time to be doing anything fun like that. They still stared, but they didn’t see anything but me changing into something a lot warmer.

“You going somewhere, Nav?” Spike asked when he realized I was changing.

“Yeah. Miners found something. I’m gonna go check it out.”

“They found something? Something cool?”

“I’ll let you know when I get back,” I said.

“Can I go with you?”

“Nah. Danger’s more likely to come from out there than under us. But be ready to come and help me if I need it. You start hearing screams from the tunnels, grab everyone you can and bring them to me.”

“Uh… Alright, I guess. But don’t you think you should at least bring someone? I know I’m really bored up here…”

“I’ll be fine, Spike. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“...I’ll be listening at the mine entrance,” he said. “You need any help, just call for it.”

I rolled my eyes and buckled the sword belt on again, finally in warmer clothes. The heat was already making me sweat, so I just said, “Whatever. I’m going down, now. Let everyone know where I am.”

“Sure thing, I guess.” He watched nervously as I walked on over to the mine entrance, where Crabby was impatiently waiting. It was a good thing Taya was with the ship, or she would probably come with me whether or not I wanted her to.

Which, as it turns out, would have been a really, really bad thing.

“Are you finally ready?” the chick asked.

“Ready enough, yeah,” I said, nodding. She turned and led the way into the mine without a word. “Did you find anything else down here at all?” I asked. “Or has it been completely empty?”

“We found a few bones that we didn’t bother looking at before just melting. Mostly just ice, frozen dirt, and stone. Some of the workers have started having nightmares about failure, too.”

“Sure they’re about possibly failing?” I asked.

“There’s nothing else to have nightmares down here about,” she said. “As far as I can tell, we didn’t even need your crew for protection. The ship was nice, but we don’t really need the rest of you.”

“Company’s always nice. And I think Doppel is helping keep your miners’ spirit high.”

“...Yes, she is. What she does is disgusting, but it seems to increase productivity. I might look into hiring a changeling full time.”

“Good luck finding one that feeds off lust. They’re pretty rare. Might cost a pretty penny.”

“And yet you have one.”

“I’m also a close personal friend to their queen, and I’ve saved her life. She didn’t mind doing me a few favors.”

“What does it say about you, that one of your favors was asking for a female servant that survives off lust?”

“Hey, I never said I asked for Doppel. That said, I’m definitely glad I got her. She’s been a lot of fun, and not just for sex.”

“Right. Of course.”

I rolled my eyes, though I honestly didn’t care what she thought. “Anyway, doesn’t this mine seem really basic?” I asked. “No carts, not many lights, no heating. No lift.”

“Yes, this mine is basic,” she answered, nodding. “It also just began a few weeks ago. We brought enough supplies to get started, but not do much else. And since the mine is still in its survey stages where we’re looking more at what we’ll find than anything else, it won’t get that much more advanced for a while. Why sink too much gold into a project that won’t take off?”

“Fair enough, I guess. But then why were you willing to pay me and my crew so much?”

“Because if this mine does take off, we believe we’ll make that money back very quickly. The ore down here is supposed to be very high-quality.” That raised a little flag in my head, but I didn’t pay it too much mind. “And we needed to get started quickly, because we believed a rival company was going to make a move as well.”

“So you needed to stake your claim so they couldn’t beat you to it.”

“...And we needed protection from them, in case they decided to push a claim anyway. Having a big-name hero here with a very well-armed ship and an experienced crew would be a good tool for convincing them that trying anything would be a bad idea.”

“Oooh, now it makes sense. It sure woulda been nice to know that beforehand.”

“You were told what you needed to know. But normally, a contract alone would take a week to draft up. I completed it in a day because of that urgency. I almost hope they do come down here, just to see the looks on their faces when they find out that you’re here.”

“I don’t like being used.”

“Then you shouldn’t have signed a contract. We’re coming up on the door now.” I could see a group of miners ahead of us, standing in front of a bend in the hallway. If I had to guess, I’d say they were burning through the ice before realizing there was something to the side, then burning that way.

As soon as we got close, one of the miners quietly said, “The whispers stopped…”

“Good,” Crabby said, making them all jump in surprise. “Hopefully that means they’re afraid of our guards. Navarone, check it out.”

“Sure thing,” I sighed, walking past the miners. They all caught their breath as I turned the corner and discovered a massive vault door with three numbers carved into it, and then a sign in what looked like… Russian! “616?” I read aloud from the numbers, reaching my hands up to trace them.

“You can read that?” one of the miners asked. “They’re just scribbles!”

Oh God. Just what did we find? “This is a human installation,” I slowly said, backing away from the door. It seems something I said was a trigger, because I heard a loud click from the door, making one of the miners yelp in surprise.

After the click, something in the wall slowly started sliding down before breaking and falling off. Inside of that little panel was a hand-shaped pad. As if in a dream, I slowly pulled my right glove off and put my hand onto the pad. After a few tantalizing seconds, I heard another click and the door started rumbling.

“What did you do?” Crabby demanded as I pulled my hand back.

“Opened it,” I said, moving to stand in front of it. How could it possibly still have power, after so many years?

“How? Nothing we did could make it budge!”

“I had the magic touch,” I said as the door finally started slowly opening, making the most horrendous screeching sound I had ever heard. Everyone in the tunnels flinched and covered their ears in pain as the ancient human mechanisms forced the door open.

After nearly a minute of excruciating pain, the doors were either fully open or stuck. Either way, when they stopped, I heard a sudden hiss and then a massively loud bang, followed by howling, as a rush of air slammed past us, rushing to fill the empty space that was apparently inside the vault.

“What did you do?!” Crabby screamed at me as we all did our best not to get sucked into the doors.

“It was vacuum sealed!” I shouted back.

“Make it stop!”

“I ca—” Just like that, it stopped, the inside apparently full of air. “Well then.”

“The door is open. Great,” Crabby said. “Now go make sure there isn’t anything dangerous inside.”

“Nothing dangerous could be living in there,” I said. “The entire place had no air. Nothing to breathe. It was completely unlivable.”

“I don’t care. Go check it out!”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Do any of you guys have a flashlight?” I could see just fine in dim lighting. Hell, even mostly dark places. But complete blackness was really hard to see in.

One of the miners held one up. “Here, ma’am. Just put in a new power crystal this morning. It ain’t gonna fail you.”

“Thank you,” I said, taking it. “Let’s see what we have, then.”

I clicked the flashlight on and started walking into the chamber on the other side of the door. My initial review of the place told me that it was a bit small. Really small. There was no way all the air that came past us could have only gone into that room. So I started tapping on walls, listening for any points that might have been hollow. Each wall was made of metal and was completely nondescript, so they weren’t giving me any hints.

When I found nothing, I stopped in the middle of the room, tapping my foot in some manner of confusion. That’s when I realized the floor was hollow. I slowly looked down and tapped my foot against it, harder. The echo seemed to go on forever. Since I knew it was the floor that led somewhere, I started tapping my feet around looking for a hatch around all the rust. That brought up a small flag in my mind as well. If there’s rust, there has to be oxygen. I could only assume it rusted over some time before the place was sealed.

After a few minutes of searching, I learned the hard way why you don’t stand on rusty metal. I was walking back into the mining tunnel when I heard the first crack. My entire body had the exact opposite reaction it should have and I froze, my eyes looking down.

Then I heard another crack. My head shot up and my body started moving just in time for the entire floor to break under me, sending me into the darkness right in front of the mining crew.

Chapter One Hundred and Ten—The Haunted

Chapter One Hundred and Ten—The Haunted

One thing I quickly learned about that shaft is that it was way too narrow to use my wings effectively. I was able to slow my fall, but only barely. Not nearly enough to stop me from slamming into something, though. I hit the side of it and apparently it was hanging in the middle of the shaft, because my body was only partially on it.

My luck continued to hold, so I started slipping and immediately began scrambling around for handholds. All I found was a cord or something, but my hands were slick with sweat from both holding the hot flashlight and panic, so I lost my grip on it and continued falling further.

This time, I was able to correct myself better, and landed on something else. Unfortunately, in my panic, I had dropped the flashlight. Apparently it fell on whatever I landed on, and my foot slammed down on it when I landed on whatever I was on. It slid from under me and I slipped, trying to catch myself again. Once more, I completely failed to do so and continued falling.

Finally, finally, I hit the bottom… just in time to hear two tremendous roars from above. I snatched the flashlight up, took a moment to marvel that it was still working, and quickly discovered that I was in an elevator shaft and that I managed to hit both elevators, breaking the cords. So much for magnetic elevators. Damn Russians.

Since I had no time to act and the bottom doors were open, I jumped through them just as the first elevator slammed to the ground, creating a shockwave that forced me back. Then the second one landed before I could fully recover, pushing me on my ass. There was no dust from the fall, thankfully. It was probably all knocked back by the wind forcing its way in.

After getting back up and finding the flashlight from where it had fallen, I looked back to the way I came in, the elevator shaft. Both the doors were gone like they had never even been there. “What the fuck…?” I whispered, walking up so I could feel for any seams. There wasn’t a damn thing. “Guess I’m not going back that way.”

Since that option was closed off, I did what I probably should have done first and looked around the rest of the room that turned out to be a hallway. The elevator doors were at what should have been the end. As I was looking, I saw a few flickers of light from the ceiling, as though the lights wanted to turn on. That should have been impossible, and it seemed they agreed, because the flickers died out.

“Weird as fuck…” I pulled out my sword and scratched a crude arrow into the wall, pointing down the hall. After all, I’d be exploring anyway, so I might as well have some way of telling anyone following me where I went, or more likely, telling myself where I already explored once I got teleported out.

So deeper into the tunnels I went, wondering just how the place was still intact after God only knows how long. I figured an earthquake, some ice movements, or who knows what else would have fucked it sideways. Still, it might be able to give me some more information about humanity’s demise, so I figured it would be worth exploring.

Oddly, I began getting a feeling of dread down in my stomach as I walked. I had no idea what was causing it until I stopped walking and it became obvious: My footfalls were making no noise. As a test, I tried tapping my foot down. It gently echoed down the hall. I shrugged and started walking again, dismissing it as a sign of stress. The sounds continued coming, so I just forgot about it.

Then I noticed a second set of footsteps coming from behind me. I turned back, aiming the flashlight back and expecting to see Spike or someone behind me. There was nothing there, but the footsteps continued coming, sounding like heavy boots. After a few seconds, I could tell they were right behind me, and then I could actually hear breathing.

My eyes widened and I flinched back against the wall, letting the footsteps continue trudging past me, their owner breathing laboriously. Taking that as a hint, I aimed the flashlight down at the floor.

On it was blood. Not dried blood, no. This stuff was wet and still very fresh. As soon as I realized it was there, the footsteps faded away, making me look up in surprise. When I looked back down, the blood was gone.

...I chose to believe it was a mix of stress and the magic keeping me awake. The other option was one I didn’t even want to think about yet.

I slowly started walking again, heading further down the hall. No footsteps followed me, but I did see something on the floor up ahead. As I got closer, I realized I just found what was left of the person that was walking past me. The skeleton’s pearly white bones stood out against the dark floor.

I couldn’t tell you how long I looked at it, the first true sign of the humanity-that-was. No mysterious locked box was this. No ancient mage hiding in a dimension. No insane spider bitch. This was a true human skeleton, locked forever in an expression of pain.

Finally, I looked back up and jumped back in horror, a pained apparition standing before me. “Forgive me, Ava…” it whispered before falling into the skeleton. “I couldn’t… save you…”

“...I suddenly have a bad feeling about this,” I quietly said, continuing to walk. The apparition began crying as I left it behind. I didn’t look back.

However, I soon heard something running ahead of me, running toward me. Once again, the flashlight showed me nothing, so I just stood back against the wall and let it pass. A few seconds later, something else passed, heading the same way. I just continued walking, even when the screaming started.

After about five minutes of walking, I found another doorway, one that looked like it had been blasted open. The floor on the other side had been scored and marred by something, but there didn’t seem to be any actual doors left. I just shook my head and kept going, but stopped as soon as I passed the threshold, my eyes widening at the scene before me.

“Come on, come on,” the frail fellow before me whispered, striking a match several times against a well-used scratcher. “Light, dammit!” Finally, it did, and he lowered it down to a fuse. I looked behind me to see that the door was still intact. As soon as the flame hit the fuse, the scene disappeared.

A few seconds later, I heard the roar of an explosion. I slowly turned back and started walking again. As I walked, a faintly whispered, “Artyom, my love…” came to my ears. I just ignored it.

However, I couldn’t ignore the fact that as I got closer to the end of the hall, I could definitely see more light ahead. A quick test of turning the flashlight off revealed that it was not a mirror, but actual lights. I pulled out my sword and continued more warily, trying to make less noise.

When I finally got up to the light, I clicked the flashlight off and stepped into the lit room, then instantly became inundated with sensations. The room was well-lit and boisterous, full of people that were all smiling and talking animatedly. Some manner of classical music played in the background.

The room appeared to be some manner of ballroom, as a number of people were dancing. Well-lit chandeliers graced the ceiling, casting a warm glow across the room. My eyes seemed drawn to a couple standing next to the door that I came from, though neither were talking.

After a few seconds of watching, I heard a loud clinking coming from the middle of the chamber. “Your attention, everyone!” someone called. The sounds slowly petered out as everyone turned to the fellow in the middle. “We’ve just had word. The first bombs have dropped. December will forever be known as the month the world truly died… But it didn’t take us with it! Waiters, pull out the best alcohol in the house! I believe we all need a drink now.”

The mood in the hall seemed… rather mixed at that news. Some people seemed happy, some seemed sad. The couple next to me began quietly talking. “I told you I would save you, Ava,” the guy whispered, pulling her close.

“But to what fate have we consigned ourselves, Artyom?” the girl asked, seeming numb.

“Whatever fate we choose, my love. As long as we’re together, what’s the worst that could happen?” Personally, I had a feeling that I could answer that one for him, but before I could, the entire scene just faded away, leaving nothing but darkness behind.

When I flipped the flashlight back on, I beheld several more skeletons, each in poses of pain. Several were missing limbs. I took a deep breath and pushed on, walking further into the large room. As soon as I got away from the doors, though, they slammed shut. I whirled around to see that once again, it was like they were never there.

“Living, breathing…” something whispered above me. I shot the light up that way to reveal nothing but limply hanging chandeliers that couldn’t even muster a sparkle for the new light on them. “Human.”

“Still alive, taunting us,” another voice added.

“We can fix that.” Oh god.

Thankfully, nothing happened at that point. I breathed a sigh of relief and started looking around, hoping that was just another echo. After all, I really had no other choice but to go forward. After a quick look around, I realized there weren’t even any other doors but the one opposite of where I first walked in. I sighed and used my sword to etch another arrow into the floor before walking on.

The hallway this time was short, but I heard crying all around me as I walked through it. At this point, there was no doubt in my mind that the place was haunted as hell. All that was left to determine was whether or not the ghosts were hostile.

I was hoping they weren’t, but something in me just knew they would be.

When I got out of that short hallway, I beheld what looked like an immigration station. There were two booths with a fence that had been knocked down. All of the glass in the booths had been removed as well, though it seemed strangely absent from the floor. As I passed the two booths, I saw another vision.

“You can’t go through here,” an angry looking guard said to a familiar looking fellow, one I had seen a few times times before.

“I just want to use the elevator,” Artyom said, calmly holding up his hands.

The guard’s hands gripped his sub-machine gun tighter and he said, “Then use a different one! We’re using the room past here for food storage!” My mind instantly flashed back to the skeletons.

Artyom didn’t seem too perturbed, so he apparently didn’t know. “It won’t take long, I just—” The guard jerked his gun up and the vision disappeared. I heard a few gunshots, though. I just shook my head and kept going.

When I got past the booths, I entered yet another hallway. The sounds of running came at me again, but I just kept going, not even stopping. An icy chill hit me when the sounds passed through me, but they didn’t continue past me.

“Why did you leave him?” Ava suddenly whispered. I couldn’t see her anywhere around me, so I just kept going. It isn’t like there’s anything I could have done for her anyway.

The next room I came upon seemed like a processing room. Three doors led away from it, though two of them slammed shut as soon as I entered, leaving only the one to the left open. As I started walking to it, another vision hit me.

“This is where you will be assigned your tasks,” a well-dressed fellow said to a small crowd of onlookers. “This bunker is a city, and cities need workers of all kinds to run. Our staff will take account of your past experience and send you where you will be most useful.”

“Why can’t we pick ourselves?” one fellow in the crowd asked.

“Because you are all late to the bunker. There are already several thousand people down here, so most jobs have been taken. And besides, this is an extension of God’s Holy Russian Empire, sir. Democracy has no place in this bunker.”

Back up. God’s Holy Russian Empire? What the absolute fuck happened?

Either way, the vision disappeared again. I shook my head clear and walked up to the open door, then made an arrow in front of it. Onward I walked, wondering what new sights the place would have in store for me.

When I got several meters down the hall, my flashlight started flickering. “Don’t you dare die,” I whispered, jiggling it slightly. As I was paying attention to that instead of where I was, I didn’t notice until too late that I was entering a new chamber. The light solidified and I cast it around the room, looking around.

There were several holes in the floor and the roof seemed to be completely black. A few seconds after I started looking, I heard a hissing sound and started smelling… something. Gas, maybe? Weird. And no exit?

It clicked when the door started sliding closed, squealing loudly. My eyes opened wide and I sprinted for the door before it could fully close, just barely squeezing through. The flames started before the door closed all the way, coming from the floor and shooting to the ceiling. With the flames came more screams, howls of pain that continued even when the door was finally shut.

“...Yes, these ghosts are hostile,” I said, my eyes wide, staring at the door that almost led to my doom. Since that option was closed off, I turned back around and walked to the processing room. The door to the middle was now open. The arrow I drew in front of the left door was completely gone, so I just carved one into the floor in front of the center door and walked through, going much more slowly so I could watch for potential traps.

This hallway seemed to slowly curve upward, which I was hoping was a good sign. “I don’t know, Arty,” I heard from my side. “The left door just… it scared me…”

“It’s okay, honey. We’re safe here. The people seem friendly, the bunker seems nice… You’re just stressed because it’s the end of the world.”

His attempts at humor seemed to fall flat as his lover just sighed.

Since I couldn’t see them to get a closer look, I just kept walking. Just a few seconds after I passed them, I heard someone running toward me yet again. “I should have listened,” Artyom was whispering like a mantra, sprinting past me.

“Sure would be nice if I was seeing all this in a more linear time-frame,” I muttered, once again moving forward. Artyom’s footsteps continued to ring past me down the hall.

Finally, I came to a set of doors leading to yet another shaft. The elevator wasn’t there, but there was a service ladder. I took a deep breath, put my sword away, and started climbing, the flashlight in my mouth pointed up.

After several meters going up, the light started to flicker again and I cursed my luck, reaching up to grab it. As I pulled myself in closer to the wall to hold myself steady, I suddenly felt something go shooting past my body, heading down. Less than a second later, I heard a massive crash below as the elevator presumably hit the ground. If I hadn’t moved in closer to check the light, it probably would have taken off my wings and maybe the rest of my body…

I just took another deep breath and started climbing again, the flashlight once again behaving. Since the shaft seemed like it could only hold one elevator, I wasn’t worried about another one slamming into me.

After several seconds, I got to the top, where the door was thankfully already open. I dragged myself out and took a quick look around the big welcoming center. There were a few ancient banners set up, as well as a large desk with several computers and other things on it. A lot of chairs lined the walls, with small tables in front of them where it looked like magazines should rest.

I pulled my sword out to make another mark on the floor when a vision suddenly hit me. “You’re bringing in how many new mouths?” an angry man asked, glaring at the fellow I saw in the job area a few minutes ago.

“You signed the form, sir. Most of these will be class D’s, low-level labor. They know their place. Some of the girls are real lookers, too. Bishop Igor will love them.”

“What do you propose to feed them? Our farms keep malfunctioning!” Before the other one could answer, the elevator doors slid open. Their facial expressions instantly changed. “Ah, welcome! Welcome to the last bastion of humanity!”

Just like that, the vision disappeared, revealing a skeleton on the floor right where the guy had been standing. I shook my head and started walking, thinking about what he had said. Last bastion of humanity. And the place was a horror show, it seemed. Is that truly the legacy we should have left?

Of course, none of the computers worked. I would have been surprised if they had, truth be told. The only signs or books I could find were in languages I couldn’t understand, which was odd because I could understand the ghosts perfectly.

Although something Watcher said came back to me, at that point. Ghosts don’t haunt places. They haunt minds.

There were several doorways in the welcoming hall. All but one of them was closed, though. I sighed and scratched out another arrow pointing to it and started walking again. The very short hall I entered led to a large movie theater. The door I entered was at the top right. I walked on in and of course, the door sealed behind me.

After taking a minute or two to look around, I realized there were no open doors left. I practically fell into a dilapidated seat, just wondering where in life I went wrong. When I realized there was another light source in the room, I looked up to find that a movie was starting. I clicked the flashlight off and sat up to watch.

The image that popped up seemed… familiar. It took a few seconds to realize I was looking at my dad as he shotgunned a bottle of rotgut. I… remembered that, actually. The memory came back to me as the video kept playing. “Whatchu lookin’ at, kid?” my dad asked when he pulled the bottle away. His cheeks were rosy red and he was smiling. “Ah, I know what you want.” He handed me the bottle with a smile, about an eighth of it still in there. “Little guy wants to be like daddy!”

What happened next is burned into my mind, because it reminded me why I didn’t really like being drunk. Namely, the horrid taste of cheap liquor followed by… nothing. There’s a reason you don’t give three-year-olds alcohol.

A whisper came from the ceiling at that point. “What a loving father… So giving, so kind…” I flinched slightly at that.

The next memory was when I was… oh, five or so. My sister and I were always big influences on each other, since we were twins. At the time, she had the more dominating personality, so I ended up growing my hair long so I could be more like her. My mom happened to find that adorable, so she got us matching outfits.

I made the mistake of not knowing it was wrong for little boys to wear dresses. When my mom happened to take my sister and I out in public like that and we bumped into my uber-religious grandparents, they quickly corrected my knowledge. Painfully. I had actually forgotten that memory. Repressed, probably.

Another voice from the ceiling. “Ah, grandparents. Isn’t it nice to see them loving their grandchildren so?”

The next memory was when I was eight, I believe. It was in elementary school. The teacher held up a card with a simple equation: 6*4 = ? “Class, who can tell me the answer?”

It came to my mind instantly, as I remember it doing at the time. Before eight-year-old me could control himself, he said, “Twenty-four. Why can’t we do things that we didn’t cover twenty times already? Everyone here knows how to multiply!”

Present-me facepalmed, remembering what came next. “Just because you understand it doesn’t mean your classmates do. And there’s no need to be snippy. I’m sure twenty extra problems will remind you of that.”

There were giggles around the class as I looked at her, unbelieving. “But… I got it right! I don’t need the practice! These… stupid-heads do!”

“You know, I think he’s right,” she said, smiling and nodding. “Everyone but Anon, do twenty extra problems.” And that sealed my fate as the least popular person in school for a long time. Then she put the icing on that wonderful fate. “And Anon, you get to do all the problems in the chapter, since they’re so easy for you. Maybe that will teach you a lesson.”

Past me just looked down, horribly confused. What lesson? What am I supposed to learn? This math is easy!

The ceiling whispered at me again. “What an awful teacher, punishing excellence like that. Surely such a thing was an isolated incident, never to be repeated.”

Quite the opposite, as I remembered. First, Jane and I complained to my grandparents, who were the only ones who really cared that much, despite being abusive dicks. They brought it up with the principal, who backed the teacher up completely. After that, every teacher in elementary school was completely against me, no matter what I did.

But the next scene was starting. It was one of many times when I was horribly sick. My dad didn’t believe in going to the doctor because that shit was expensive. That resulted in me throwing up on a teacher at least once, but that’s not what was showing. No, this is the aftermath of me with pneumonia.

I had been given two horribly nasty liquid medications and a grainy pill that you were supposed to swallow, but would dissolve very quickly if you didn’t swallow it immediately. Given that I was about nine at the time, swallowing pills was not something I was good at.

My dad was a very pragmatic man. He scoffed at the warning labels on the medication that said not to take at the same time. So he made me use the horrible liquid medications to swallow the pill. When I didn’t get it down with the first one, he forced the other liquid thing into my mouth.

I added my father to the list of people I threw up on.

“So caring,” the ceiling tauntingly whispered. “Trying to make you strong. Trying to make you tough. If only it had worked.”

...It wouldn’t have made him love me, either way.

The next scene came up, showing first year of middle school, when I finally got a new round of teachers that didn’t know they were supposed to hate me. Because of that, one approached me after a few months, making me stay after class. “Anon, how many of those shirts do you have?”

I looked down at the shirt I was wearing, an old ratty thing that I had been wearing all week since I didn’t have anything clean to put on. “W-what do you mean?” I nervously asked, not meeting her gaze.

“You’ve been wearing one just like it all week,” she slowly said. “I know some of the students noticed…”

I suddenly wished my sister was there, because I had a feeling she could have told the truth. Could have told the lady why laundry never got done, why our parents never made PTA meetings, and why both of us behaved perfectly so the teachers never had to threaten to call our parents.

But she wasn’t there. At the time, I was ashamed by such things. Too ashamed to tell the truth. “I have… I have a few, ma’am,” I quietly said, hoping it would convince her to stop.

“How many is a few, Anon?” she asked.

“I d-don’t know… And since my mom does laundry all the time, it’s hard to keep track!” That last part was quickly forced out, an obvious lie. But past-me thought he nailed it.

Looking back, I realized the teacher very obviously didn’t buy it. Unfortunately for the both of us, wearing the same shirt a few days in a row wasn’t enough justification to call child services, so she had to drop it.

“Such loving parents,” the voice in the ceiling said. “Taking care of you and your sister like that. And such a kind teacher. If only she had pressed a little further, dug a little deeper…” All she had to do was ask to meet them once, past-me told myself. Ask to meet them once, and the words would just start flowing and never stop.

She never did.

The next scene was really familiar, one that had replayed over and over in my mind. Sometimes I wish it had happened differently and that I had been standing just a few inches to the left. That time was, of course, when I got shot.

When it ended, the ceiling said, “What lovely and loyal friends and family. No wonder you wanted to go back to see them, to save them…”

I looked down, unable to concentrate on the screen. When Pinkie and Rarity started talking, I realized the scenes were now showing my life in Equestria. My eyes squeezed shut, unable or unwilling to continue watching my own suffering.

When the last image faded and the screen went dark, the ceiling just chuckled darkly before cutting off. A sliding sound alerted me to a door opening. I wearily stood, walking over to the door, my sword dragging next to me since I really couldn’t muster the strength to lift it. I barely even had the strength to hold the flashlight up. It wasn’t the same door from which I entered, though, so the only good thing is that I was moving forward.

When I stepped through the door, it felt like a veil of sorts was lifted from my mind. I blinked several times and shook my head, before looking back to see that the door was gone. “What the hell?” I whispered. Since no one answered, I just looked forward again to find that I was once again in a hallway, though this one was short. I made another arrow in the floor before continuing on, slightly more alive.

As I said, that hallway was short, but the door beyond it led to another thing like a hallway: A catwalk. I cautiously put a foot on it, trying to see if it would hold me. As I did that, I leaned in and shined the light around, trying to get a good view of what was in there. The distance to the ground was really short, so I stepped fully onto the bridge, not worried about a mere two meter drop.

All around the catwalk was a diorama of what looked like the bunker itself, a full 3D map. Before I could study it, another vision appeared. Artyom and Ava were standing in front of the map. Artyom was smiling and pointing out all kinds of things. “Look at the size of that park! There aren’t any like that in Volgograd anymore. And that cathedral! I can’t wait to see it…”

Ava wasn’t listening. Her eyes were fixed on something else. I followed them down and realized she was staring at the job assignment center, where there were three doors. On the map, only two were shown. In fact, as I studied more of the map, I realized that there were several places where it looked like there should have been rooms of some kind. Ava didn’t get the chance to point them out before the vision ended.

I started looking for some kind of exit. The elevator shaft I fell down had several connections on a bunch of different floors, but the chamber I was in was horrifyingly far from all of them. After tracing several potential paths, I realized it might well take me days to find my way out.

“Son of a bitch,” I whispered, slowly walking along the catwalk to look at more of the massive place. “How the hell did they build this in secret?”

The bunker answered me by crying. The light started flickering again, too, so I figured it would be a good time to move on. I continued moving down the catwalk until I hit the end, which was another elevator, and the elevator was actually at the right floor. I used my sword to pry the thing away from the wall, jiggling it slightly until the elevator started rocking. When I could, I pulled the sword back out and waited for the cord up top to break. After a few seconds, it did, sending the elevator falling a single floor down.

Since I wanted to go up, I stepped onto the top of the elevator and walked over to the service ladder. It took me up a floor, as it was supposed to. I just wish it had taken me higher.

The doors were open, so I just let myself out, then carved another arrow into the floor. That done, I finally looked up and damn near dropped the sword in surprise. It seemed that I found the park that Artyom mentioned. Another skeleton was right in front of me, reaching its arm out as if trying to reach for the elevator.

Just like that, another vision hit me. My eyes widened as the area lit up brightly and green life and beautiful flowers sprouted out of the ground. The elevator pinged open, releasing Artyom and Ava. They both started smiling in wonder as soon as they saw what lay beyond the elevator, even Ava’s crushing doubt curbed by the beauty of the park before them.

As they were stepping out of the elevator, a little girl in a cute dress stepped past me to look at them. They didn’t seem to pay her any mind, though I looked down at her. She was facing away from me, so I couldn’t get a look at her face… Until suddenly just her face shot directly toward me, an act that would have broken her neck, and started screeching. I immediately flinched back, seeing her completely black eyes and impossibly sharp teeth.

The rest of her body jerked toward me and I began backing away, my eyes wide in complete horror. She started walking closer, her legs moving awkwardly as though they were broken. Bubbling viscous fluid started pouring from her eyes as she continued wailing. One of her hands shot up and extended toward me, grasping the flashlight. It immediately died and the vision ended.

Leaving me in the dark.

Alone.

With the dead.

I fucking ran, expecting pain and death from every angle. Finally, after several lifetimes, the flashlight kicked back on, once again illuminating my surroundings. I stopped, my breathing manic, and started looking around.

The very first thing I noticed was a small skeleton sprawled out in front of me, the tattered remains of a dress like the one that little girl was wearing. Both of her legs had obviously been broken and dried blood dotted the bottom of her dress. I refused to think about those implications.

My eyes automatically looked away, but a soft sniffling stopped me from walking away. I very noisily gulped and looked back, dreading the sight that would curse my eyes. Where the skeleton had been was a little girl, crying her eyes out. It seemed that she was afraid to make too much noise, though, because she seemed to be holding her breath as much as possible.

I very dearly wanted to move on, but something inside me forced me to kneel down next to her. My hand caressed her head. My mind wanted to feel a smooth skull, but it felt like coarse hair. “Pokoysya s mirom, ditya Bozhye,” my mouth automatically said.

Another very loud and pained shriek graced my ears and I spun around to find the ghost of the girl behind me, reaching toward me with impossibly long arms with horrifyingly sharp fingers. Not fingernails, but actual fingers. I lifted Excalibur to ward her off, but the flashlight lit up even brighter, making the ghost child flinch back and stop screaming.

As soon as she stopped, a growl cut through the suddenly still air. It came from behind her, so her neck broke once again to look back. I didn’t have that kind of problem, so I just looked over her head.

Once again, the room lit up, though the lights were much more dim, as though several had blown out. The girl flinched and suddenly disappeared, then I felt gentle hands gripping at my pants. “Don’t let him get me, please!” whoever it was whispered.

The owner of the growl suddenly appeared from the bushes, a grim looking fellow with a nasty looking hammer covered in gore. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. “Ava. You have something of mine there.”

A voice not my own erupted from my mouth. “You will not take her!”

He whipped the hammer back and let it fly. I ducked and suddenly the scene was over, leaving nothing but a quiet whimpering behind.

My eyes slowly looked around the area again, the flashlight illuminating everything I tried to see. Strangely, the skeleton was gone, leaving not even a pile of dust. I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath before slowly releasing it and once again walking.

“I’m so sorry, Arty,” Ava whispered through the air. There was no reply.

The flashlight I had wasn’t an overly good one, and with every step I took, it felt like the darkness pushed in a little further. It also started to get colder, mist beginning to form with every shaky breath I took. Some items started materializing from the gloom several meters ahead of me. Since my sword wasn’t doing any good, I went ahead and put it away as I continued walking.

As more of the objects appeared and I got close enough to pick up details, I realized I was in front of a playground. The happy laughter of children began to fill my ears as I walked through the park, a smile coming to my face. Oh, I just can’t wait for Artyom to finally decide to have children!

The errant thought stopped me dead in my tracks, the laughter stopping with it. As I tried to sort out what happened, another vision struck me. Ava and Artyom were walking through the park with all the children on it, marveling at the carefree attitudes the children possessed. Such a thing doesn’t seem possible on the day your species died, after all. The kids didn’t understand or didn’t care, just happy to have something as simple as a jungle gym to play on.

Ava in particular seemed to be paying close attention to them, still smiling like she had been when she first stepped off the elevator.

Then all the ghosts stopped and every single one of them was instantly facing me. As one, all the apparitions whispered, “We will make you one of us.” Then they all vanished, cutting the vision off.

...Getting away from the park was starting to sound like a better and better idea. I started walking again, heading in the same direction. My paranoia sense was kicking and I felt eyes watching me from every angle.

Every angle… On an impulse, I slowly craned my head and the flashlight up above me. The light didn’t reach all the way to the ceiling, but I saw several feet dangling above me. I slowly craned back down and fought back from sobbing as I continued walking.

Finally, another wall started becoming apparent in front of me. A wall with… windows. A wall that I soon realized was attached to an entirely separate building, which appeared to be the cathedral Artyom mentioned. I very, very much wanted to go around it, but as soon as I started walking away from the doors, I began hearing another growl. I slowly corrected my steps and started heading toward the door, making the noise stop.

So with a deep breath and a feeling of much trepidation, I stepped over the broken doors of the ancient building. The first thing that greeted my eyes was a defaced statue of Jesus. Like, literally defaced; someone cut the front of his head off and left the rest alone. That didn’t seem to bode well, but I just pushed forward, stepping over broken stain glass, trying not to pay attention to the sobbing I heard all around me.

As soon as I stepped through the doors of the chapel itself, another vision hit me. The place was packed with believers, all standing and singing a glorious song. Their words were all in Russian, oddly enough, but it fit.

When the song ended after a few seconds, a greying old man stepped forward, a smile on his pleasant face. “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. And a special welcome to our newcomers.” His eyes moved to a certain place in the crowd, where Artyom and Ava were standing. Arty awkwardly waved while Ava just looked down. “I am High Patriarch Francis.”

I hope he doesn’t want to see us. I’ve heard stories about bishops… Once again, the thought widened my eyes.

I didn’t have too much time to think about it, though, as the patriarch turned to me next. “And even more of a welcome to you, interloper. Don’t you worry, though. You’ll find yourself fitting in very soon.”

This time, every single ghost instantly faced away from me. “We’ll drag you to this hell with us.” The vision died off, leaving me in a room full of shattered pews and several bodies bent in prostrated positions. The sobbing sound picked up again as I started walking through the chapel, toward the back from where the preacher would normally enter.

All of the doors had been torn down, so I just let myself inside one of them at random. It seemed like a storage closet with a skeleton on the floor, but I saw a smaller door further in that was actually closed. I took a very deep breath and walked over to it.

As soon as I touched the wooden handle, the thing turned to dust. I shined the light inside and saw a skeleton with a chain around its neck, holding it against the wall. In front of it was a metal dog bowl with the name ‘Christine’ across it. Also around the room were several sex toys.

I turned to go, but stopped as yet another vision struck me. “Igor, I have heard many startling rumors,” Francis said, stepping into the closet that was suddenly full of dark clothing, bibles, and a number of other church-like things.

Behind Francis stepped a nervous little man wearing the same clothing that was dotted around the room. “I assure you, there is nothing to be worried about, High Patriarch! Please, that is just my private prayer room!”

“Women have gone missing, Igor. I heard a young man whispering to another about the glances you were giving his wife. Men are weak, Igor. I trust your faith. Truly, I do. But I don’t trust your body.” With that final statement, Francis threw open the door.

As soon as it opened, the girl inside started begging to be released. And of course, Igor stabbed Francis dead in the back. “Goodbye, my old friend,” Igor quietly said, holding his hand over Francis’s mouth. “It truly is a shame that the rebels broke in to assassinate you like this…”

When Igor finally released the guy’s mouth, Francis very faintly whispered, “Satan’s curse upon thee, Igor…”

Igor just shook his head, smiling faintly. “You foolish old man. God died one hundred and thirty years ago in Stalin’s glorious revolution. But then, I suppose some old relics just don’t know when to quit. Unlike you, it seems.”

Francis’s eyes glazed over and his body was still. Igor chuckled faintly, then casually reached forward and grabbed me around the neck. Before I could even think to resist, he threw me into the room with Christine. My body slammed into the skeleton, shattering it, then the collar slammed shut around my neck as if controlled by a will of its own.

“You’re pretty enough,” a dry voice whispered right next to my ear. A sandpapery tongue licked my cheek and I felt something grope me. “Angelic, even. Breaking you will be a ball!” He laughed darkly as I finally started struggling to break free of the chain.

Finally, I remembered that I had a fucking sword, and ripped it out of its sheath and broke the chain in half with it. Instead of standing, I just started scrambling out of the room, knocking the dog bowl out as I fought to free myself. The vision ended as soon as I got out of the room.

As soon as I did, I collapsed, exhaustion seeping into my bones. But since I knew falling asleep in that place would guarantee death, I forced my eyes back open and struggled to stand. As I did so, my hands found the flashlight. I stopped and put the sword away again, the chain dangling from my neck. I took another deep breath and started walking out once more.

Something stopped me, some strange inkling. When I turned back to try to figure out what it might be, my eyes fell upon the dog bowl. The name on it had changed. In dull metallic lettering, the name ‘Ava’ proudly read off from the front.

I turned and started walking away without another thought. When I got back to the chapel, I noticed something I didn’t before: The pulpit. Strangely, amid all the destruction and horror around it, the pulpit was left completely untouched. There was even something laying on top of it.

I took the item and held it up to the light. Turns out that it was a rosary made of what looked like fine gold. Before I could put it back, the pulpit collapsed into dust, fading away before my very eyes. So instead, I pocketed the thing, figuring I might as well take a better souvenir than the new necklace I picked up.

After looking around the chapel again, I realized that all the doors and windows were sealed except for one behind me, leading to another room in the back area. I sighed and started walking to it, making another scratch in the floor.

When I got to the next room, I realized that it was more of an office. Yet another vision hit me when I stepped inside. “It feels… strange, to abandon my flocks in the motherland,” Francis said, slowly walking around the room.

“The world is forsaken, High Patriarch,” someone told him. “And you will be needed here, to guide the remnants.”

“I know, my child. But I have many problems with the way the bunker is set up, even now. Why is it set to depressurize in three hundred years if no one can tell it not to?”

“So we can be remembered, High Patriarch,” the fellow said with a smile. “So even if the Holy Russian Empire goes up in flames, a small part of her will always be alive down here, waiting for someone lucky enough to find it, to find our history.”

The vision ended and I was left alone in the room again. However, I noticed something strange in one of the wall patterns. I walked over to it and kicked the ruined plaster in, finding a hidden ladder. After taking a moment to consider the risks, I realized that leaving the building would probably end in death. Since that was the case, I made another mark on the floor and started climbing.

Up and up and up… I knew I had to have left the park way behind at some point, because I probably went damn near fifty meters up. Finally, I found a hatch at the top of the long tunnel. It was sealed, but I fixed that with a few applications of curses and grunts of exertion.

When I finally pulled myself free, I realized I was in some manner of command room, with dozens of panels and screens connected to the who knows how many cameras. Then I had another vision, of just two people in the control room. “Sir, we… got a message.”

“A message? From who? Did the motherland survive?!”

“No, it’s from the… Americans, sir. A bunker in the middle of the country. Apparently they still have access to some satellites and are sending messages on every channel that might be receiving.”

“Bah. What could those heathens want? Wasn’t destroying the world enough for them?”

“They’re saying that the war is over, sir. That there were no winners but Discord, as if that was a name. They want help in rebuilding the world.”

The leader narrowed his eyes. “Close the channel. Tell no one of this. Russia goes its own way!”

“...Yes sir. But I should tell you that they weren’t the only ones sending messages…” The vision cut out at that point, revealing the dead room once again. A single skeleton sat in one of the chairs, the back of its skull missing. Before it was a single corroded revolver. I lifted it up and popped the revolving part out to find that there was just a single brass shell in there, completely empty. I sighed and tossed the thing aside.

When I did that, I heard a small amount of crying coming from the skeleton, then it whispered, “We should have listened… Why, Stalin? Why?” Finally, there was a single gunshot.

I shook my head and started walking again, heading to the only open door in the place. When I poked my head out, I found that I was in the middle of a hallway going both left and right. I stepped on out and looked both ways, moving the flashlight around. When I pointed it to the right, it started to flicker slightly.

Left it is, then. I marked the floor and began walking that way, wondering just where the hell in the bunker I was. A map of some kind really would have been nice, since that diorama was horribly incomplete and didn’t even show the control room I was just in.

I passed several more skeletons, each that whispered at me as I passed, making sure to keep my distance. It felt like I had finally left the sad story of Ava and Artyom behind…

Finally, I found the end of the hall. Not the natural end, mind, but it looked like someone had taken several sheets of metal and welded the hall shut. After tapping on it, I realized that I probably couldn’t cut through it very easily. A few indentations on it from the other side gave me the hint that someone had tried shooting it at some point to no avail.

As I was standing there wondering what to do, a door to my left silently slid open. I didn’t even notice it until I turned, deciding to head back the way I came. When I saw it open, I jumped for a moment before taking a deep breath and nodding.

In I went, wondering what new horrors awaited me. This room seemed to be a large dormitory, with two dozen beds lined up. Several had skeletons upon them. As I looked around, another vision struck me.

“It feels… empty,” Ava said, looking around the room.

“I know we don’t have it all to ourselves,” Artyom said. “But we just got here. Everyone else is probably at work.”

Oh, if only we had a private room… “I guess,” Ava said, nodding. “So which bed is ours?”

“I’m not certain we get to share. But I doubt anyone will mind if we do.”

“As long as we tell them we’re married, they can’t keep us apart,” she said, nodding. “Such is not God’s will, after all.” And it gives us a chance to finally bring life to the world!

The vision disappeared and I continued looking around. It wasn’t until nearly a minute had passed that I realized I heard her thoughts in my head again. “Why does this keep happening?” I whispered, my eyes widening.

The light started flickering again, so I looked down at it as I walked. Looking down helped me spot a metal wire just a few inches away from my legs, hanging suspended in the air. I immediately stopped, recognizing a trap. My eyes slowly looked up and then around, trying to spot what the trap might be connected to.

Finally, my eyes spotted a shotgun in the arms of a skeleton sitting on a bed a few feet away. The shotgun was pointed directly at the wire and there was a string attached to its trigger.

I went around the two beds with the wire attached and walked over to the gun. The thing looked too broken and corroded to fire, but when I reached my hand down there to pick it up, the trigger snapped back and the gun discharged, throwing the bones all across the room.

As soon as it fired, the shrieking started. The skeleton that got thrown apart by the blast suddenly pulled itself back together and stood, staring at me with literal fire in its eyes. “Now this I can fight,” I said with a dark grin, my blade clearing its sheath. The skeleton made a horrific howling noise and charged, its bones clanking across the ground. I quickly bisected it.

However, that didn’t kill it. The two halves hit the ground and started moving toward me. Then I heard some clicking and clacking from all around the room and looked around to find the other skeletons getting up. Some were holding various makeshift melee weapons. My grin deepened and I lifted the sword again, finally having an enemy I could put in its place.

They all bumrushed me at once with no form or coordination at all. Because of that and because of how many there were, most of them slammed into each other, knocking themselves down. Those that didn’t fall came on.

One slammed a large metal pipe down toward me, but I sidestepped it and forced the sword through its arms, removing its ability to do much. Another reached out and grabbed the hand with the flashlight, and I kicked him back, my foot completely breaking through the dry bones. His hands still grasped my arm, but they weren’t connected to the rest of his body anymore.

Another one came at me from behind, his loud footfalls announcing his presence. I whirled around and took off the top of his skull, making it instantly collapse into a pile of bones. A disturbing wailing sound signalled its more permanent death, giving me a clue of how to actually fight these things.

Since the hands of one of them was still on me and struggling to break my grip on the flashlight, I knew the individual parts could still move even without being attached to the body. I turned back to the main mass of skeletons just in time to catch a rotten bar of wood to the face. It broke apart after hitting me, with some of the dust getting in an eye and half-blinding me.

In response, I chopped straight through the skull of the ghoul that dared attack me, sending it back to the depths of hell where it belonged. That’s when I learned why it’s a bad idea to let yourself get ganged up on, because one of them grabbed the chain leading to the collar around my neck and yanked back, making me lose my balance.

I fell into the skeleton pulling on me and shattered it, my weight proving too much for its ancient bones. However, that didn’t do a thing to the others that I hadn’t dealt with yet, and I already felt something trying to tear at one of my wings. I yanked them both back and then slammed them down, using the force to help me stand quicker.

“Bloooooood,” something whispered, something that wasn’t one of the skeletons. In response, I lashed out with my sword, just swinging it wildly around and breaking skeletons left and right. None of them got killed, of course, but most of them were so broken up that they could barely fight back. Seeing that, I jumped onto one of the beds and started hopping over them to the only open door in the place. Thankfully, I didn’t trigger another trap and successfully escaped from the hellish room.

When I looked back in to see if anything was following me, I found that the room was right back to how it was when I first walked in, down to the original trap being in the same spot. This place is going to be the death of me… I had no clue where that thought came from, if it was me or Ava.

I just turned back to the hall I was now in and started walking. It wasn’t the same one as from before, so the hall was clear from both directions. The light didn’t change on either side, so I just shrugged and started going in the same direction as before, hoping the hall would take me somewhere.

Then I remembered I hadn’t left a mark in front of the door, so I turned back to do so. However, I didn’t even see a door anymore. I just sighed and etched an arrow onto the floor before walking again. This time, the halls were completely silent again. Not even my footsteps made noise. I tried tapping the sword against one of the walls to find that it, too, was affected.

The silence was… eerie. When I found another skeleton, I expected the silence to end, but it didn’t. The normally loud dead were now completely quiet.

As I walked along, I realized soon that it was getting… warmer. My brows furrowed as I wondered what could cause such a thing. Of course, I didn’t stop, even when I started seeing more lights ahead of me. And then I started smelling things, things that brought back… memories. Steak. Ribs. Smoke. Someone was having a cookout.

When I got closer to the light, I realized that it led outside. That was actual sunlight ahead, not artificial or ghostly light. Instead of being wary, I started feeling intrigued and curious. When I finally stood in the doorway, I looked out upon a clear summer day, at a large family gathering of mine.

I saw my sister and several other children playing to one side in a pool. The adults were all talking with each other. My grandfather was cooking the steaks to what he considered perfection: horrible well-done nastiness. The only saving grace is that he didn’t put ketchup on them.

But still, the memory was one I remembered well. It pulled me forward involuntarily and I felt myself begin to shrink to fit the mold. My feathers disappeared into my body and my clothing changed to match what it was supposed to. Even my gender changed back as I walked over to my sister, following the memory as it was supposed to go.

“Come on, Anon!” she happily called from in the pool. “Just jump on in!”

My legs strained to obey, but the rational part of my mind started fighting. This isn’t real. This memory isn’t happy. You remember how it ends. Look. Truly look around.

I did, then. My eyes opened wide and my wings shot out as I gazed upon the room. It was a rec center and the pool that I was standing in front of had massive metal spikes at the bottom, several skeletons impaled upon them. Some of them still had clothing on them. As I looked down on them in horror, my feet mere inches from the side, blood started pouring from their wounds. Faster and faster it came, filling the pool up to the top in mere moments.

“Come on, Anon!” a voice happily called. “Just jump on in!” Something yanked at my collar, forcing me closer to the pit. I scrambled back, bumping into a table. Then I reached around to the chain to find a hand trying to pull it. Not bones, not a person, but just a normal human hand, completely removed from its body.

When I tried pulling it away, it refused to budge. I had to actually use my sword to cut its fingers off, making it release me. As soon as it fell to the ground, another vision hit me. “Ladies and gentlemen, let us say grace,” Bishop Igor said from his spot at the front of the tables.

On the table before him was a leg, a human leg. Each of his followers had some kind of human body part on a plate in front of them and they all bowed their heads in unison.

“Dear Ivan. Thank you for this wonderful meal. We won’t waste it, don’t you worry!” There were several chuckles around the room as they all looked back up at him, smiling. “Now go ahead and dig in, folks!” His eyes shot to mine and he added, “Don’t worry, dear. You’ll be on the menu soon!”

The vision disappeared, leaving nothing but the tables and several bones scattered about the room. I took a deep breath before nodding and looking back to the pool, just to sate my curiosity. The blood was gone, but in its place was black tar, a full pool of it. The viscous fluid bubbled and steamed and then started shaking. Whispers started coming from all around me, half-heard mutters that seemed to have a common theme: “Run.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, a figure began rising from the depths of the hellish pool. The whispers immediately ceased. As soon as I saw the top of the head pulling its way out, my entire body froze, just watching it. More and more features became apparent as it rose, including a pair of completely white eyes that seemed to glow; a mouth with no lips that looked more like a circle full of rotating, whirring teeth; no nose; a rotting leather shirt made of what had to have been human skin; a nametag etched into it that read “Ivan” in a sketchy, twisted script; long arms, one of which ended in a butcher knife instead of a hand and the other of which ended in a callused hand that constantly twitched, sending the gooey slime everywhere; legs with three joints; and completely covered in bubbling pitch.

With the way his mouth was just a gaping wound with no tongue, it was completely impossible for him to either smile or speak. So instead, I could only tell he was pleased through his eyes, which seemed to shine with a sadistic glee. His challenging roar confirmed my suspicions.

My flashlight chose that moment to start flickering, which is probably the only thing that saved my life. I had been completely frozen in place, trying to process just what exactly it was that I was looking at, but the flickering gave me a real problem I could deal with. In response to Ivan, I turned and fucking booked it. There was no way in hell I was going to fight that thing.

One of the doors on the far side of the room was open. As I started running, I heard him giving chase. He used his butcher knife arm to cut through everything in his way, so I started vaulting over metal tables to hopefully slow him down. It didn’t seem that they gave him too much resistance, though, as I heard him behind me all the way up to the door.

...The door that thankfully slid closed behind me as soon as I stepped through it. However, it seemed that particular apparition wasn’t so easily dispelled, as it started beating on the door and slashing at it with his knife. The door was metal, but I could also hear it giving in. I considered stopping and trying to fight him, but only for a second. If the skeletons didn’t seem to mind getting pieces cut off, I doubt this abomination would either.

“Nope, nope, nope, nope…” I kept muttering, just sheathing my sword and then running down the hall. The light I was holding had no consistency, no solid area it lit up, so the ghosts chose that moment of frantic lighting to begin truly invading my mind.

As I ran from hell’s butcher, pain began to assault my senses. The stench of rotting corpses and drying blood trickled through my nose. Faces, garbled and destroyed, rotting and broken, glared at me from my peripheral vision. Bloody hands and crackled fingernails clutched at me, trying to slow me down as I ran. Several made grabs for the chain still around my neck, but none were able to hold onto it fully. All around me, I heard a mix of laughs, screams, sobbing, and chanting.

“One of us. You’ll be one of us. You’ll be one of us. You’ll be one of us. One of us. One of us!” On and on it went, growing angrier and more hateful the further away from the butcher I got.

Finally, the sound of an explosion behind me cut out their screams as the butcher freed himself from the room. That only increased my speed, the horror I felt serving to drive me on and on.

“Freeeeeshhhhh. Meeeeeeaaat!” something behind me howled, louder than any of the voices could have been. With that, the chase truly began.

Since I saw the hall ending in front of me, I dove into the first door I saw, one leading to the right. I hoped—prayed—that it would lead to another hall or somewhere I could hide. Maybe another elevator shaft, since the dude couldn’t climb without hands.

But no, instead it led to the exact opposite place I wanted to be: a butcher’s shop. And of course, the visions chose that very moment to assault me. The happy couple from before stood in front of me, with a smiling man with a somewhat bloody apron on the other side of the counter.

“Freshest meat in the bunker,” the butcher said with a smile. “Name’s Ivan. You two look new here.”

“We are,” Artyom said with a nod. “Everyone here seems so nice! I’m so happy we decided to come.”

You decided, you mean. You didn’t even ask me. “Well, here’s a little something extra, on the house,” Ivan said, reaching under his counter and plopping something down. “Consider it a welcome home gift.”

“You don’t have to, really!” Ava said, smiling somewhat awkwardly. Lord only knows what kind of meat he serves...

“It’s nothing, ma’am. Just a gift.” The way Ivan was smiling… it didn’t reach his eyes. The man seemed hollow, an empty shell.

“Thank you for it,” Artyom said.

“Always nice to meat new people,” Ivan said, nodding. His head suddenly shot toward me and he added, “And to kill them.”

Just like that, the vision ended and another roar came from almost right behind me. I vaulted straight over the counter and body-slammed the half-open door there, trying anything to get away from the butcher following me.

However, I very obviously did not think my decision through. After all, what do butchers normally keep behind their counters? If your answer included a large walk-in fridge covered in swinging meat hooks with human bodies on them, you’d have one fucked up mind. And you’d also be correct, because that’s exactly what I found when I walked in. I don’t mean human skeletons, either. These were fresh and had obviously been harvested recently.

Ivan the butcher followed me in, his white eyes boring holes through me. For some reason, The Final Countdown started blaring through my head, even though it seemed wildly inappropriate. I slowly drew my sword, starting to circle. Ivan matched me, lifting his blade in a fighting stance. His empty hand grabbed one of the empty hooks and ripped it from the ceiling, grabbing onto the chain part so he could use it as a weapon.

I began speaking, pumping myself up. “I have fought a demon king. I’ve killed assassins. I’ve been a father and then a mother. Courted princesses. Been tortured and raped. Beat every challenge to come before me. I refuse to die in this bunker, felled by an abomination.” Ivan just roared, and since I realized my circling had taken me exactly where I wanted it to, I turned and booked it, slamming the door shut behind me.

This door was made of sterner stuff, since it was actually designed to withstand who knows what, and it locked from the outside. So I locked it, put my sword away, and once again began running. Of course, I heard the sound of him banging on it before I even locked it, so I knew it would only hold him for so long.

I was just hoping it would be long enough for me to get away, though I knew I would have to fight him eventually. I just absolutely refused to do it on his home turf.

This time, the ghosts kept their distance from me, though the oppressive silence returned as I ran and ran. Finally, after going through several more living quarters and passing through several halls, I stopped running. Despite my insane stamina, I hadn’t seen the sun in weeks, hadn’t eaten in days, and was running solely off magic. Exhaustion was starting to creep into my bones.

Unfortunately, I knew that even if I could safely sleep without the butcher or the ghosts coming for me, I would probably never wake up. No sun, no food, and no magic meant I would probably hibernate until I died.

So I trudged onward, hoping I’d find my way out soon or that someone would notice my predicament and teleport me free. At that point, though, I wasn’t holding my breath. I knew I had been down there for at least three hours, probably more. That was time enough for the ship to get back and for them to be told of what happened. Thinking about that reminded me that I hadn’t left any marks on the floor in a while, but then I immediately decided against it when I realized that the butcher could probably use them to track me.

Besides, I had no plans to ever come back.

After about half an hour of mindlessly walking and doing my best to ignore everything around me that didn’t seem immediately threatening, I came to another elevator shaft. I began counting my blessings as I looked up and down, trying to find the elevator. It was below me, so I cut the cord, making the thing fall down a few more storeys. That way, the cord couldn’t break while I was moving down and whip me across the back. Then I jumped over to the ladder and started to climb.

The first thing I realized was that this ladder was not at all steady. I had several rungs break off as I climbed up, but that didn’t stop me from climbing anyway. After all, I needed to get away from that maniacal butcher.

However, a new feeling of dread started entering my stomach as I moved up the ladder. Below me, I could see a foul light start emanating from the door that I left. A few seconds after I saw it, the butcher burst into the shaft, the pitch that was covering him now on fire. His eyes had taken on a hellish green glow while the flames consumed his body, and teeth were moving faster and faster as he howled up at me, the sound knocking off a few more rungs above me.

Then he slammed his knife arm into the wall, followed by the meat hook in his other hand, slowly climbing up like that.

“Oh hell no.” I drew my sword and pushed off from the wall, holding the sword steady as I dropped past the butcher. Since his knife and hook were embedded into the wall, he could do nothing but howl as I fell past him, my sword slicing him in half from his head down to his crotch.

Awful ichor began flowing from his body the moment I cut into it, the flames dying everywhere my ancient sword cut. His body fell from the wall, hitting the ground less than a second after I did. When I slung as much of the gunk from my sword as possible and put the blade away, I started climbing again. By the time I was a few meters up again, nearly jumping from rung to rung, the butcher was already putting his body back together. I bought myself a few minutes, but I had a feeling it would never be enough time.

When I got to the very top, Ivan’s body was emitting flames again, but he wasn’t climbing the wall yet. I launched myself over at the open door leading out of the shaft and immediately started running, hoping I could put more distance between me and the monster.

However, I didn’t take into account the other monsters. As I ran, everything started getting colder and colder and I saw yet another light ahead, though this one was more pale and seemed… emptier. Didn’t stop me from running toward it, though, as I hadn’t seen any side paths yet and I refused to turn around.

I didn’t even pause when I got to the room, just burst straight in and then immediately stopped, a grand vista of snow and ice before me. Am I finally… free?

I wouldn’t be so lucky. “Beautiful shot, Anon!” my uncle whispered happily, watching the deer struggle to rise. Another memory. I remember this. “Guess all that practice paid off, huh?”

My mouth involuntarily said, “Sure did!” The rifle that appeared in my hands felt heavier than I remembered as my uncle led me closer to the deer, whose eyes were rolling frantically about as it panicked, knowing its body was broken but in so much shock that it was unable to feel the pain.

“Not quite perfect, though,” he said. “That happens, sometimes.” We got up next to the deer. “And when it does, you have to take responsibility.” He reached down to his belt and pulled off a large dagger. “Are you a man, Anon?”

“I… I guess?” I asked, starting to feel the same dread I felt at the time. I didn’t know… He told me the deer would die instantly!

“Then take responsibility.” He pushed the knife into my hand. “End it.”

“What… what do you mean?”

He knelt down next to the deer, pulling me forward then pointing to the deer’s neck. “Right across, quick and clean,” he said. “She won’t feel a thing, but the longer you wait, the worse it’ll be.”

My eyes looked to the old dagger, a relic passed down in the family for so long we didn’t even know how old it was. “R-right across?” I asked.

“Right across.” I gulped and closed my eyes, moving the dagger down. Five seconds later, it was done, my eyes still closed. “Now, the hunter’s tradition. Open your mouth, Anon.” My lips slowly parted, my body trembling. “Bring the knife to your mouth.”

I slowly did so, but this time, I remembered who I was, where I was. My eyes slammed open and I looked down at the ground. Taya was on the ground before me, her body broken from a shot and her neck sliced open from a dagger. Her delicate blood graced the dagger on its way to my lips, staining the ancient metal a brilliant crimson.

In my horror, I threw the dagger away. It skittered across the floor and I fell back, pushing myself away from the body of my daughter. “Trust… broken,” something hissed in my ear. “Life… taken!”

This isn’t real. Just an illusion. And yet, when I forced myself closer to her body, I could feel the warmth radiating from her. The blood still pooling around her neck was wet. The pain in her eyes was evident, though they were glazed over in death.

“Daddy, why?” her voice whispered in my ear.

“I didn’t… I didn’t know!” I shouted, looking around the room. “I was seeing things!”

“One of them, now… Locked forever here to suffer…”

“No… No!” I ripped my sword out of its sheath, my eyes narrowing. “Locked here, maybe. But you won’t be alone.” I began lifting the sword up and was just about to slam it into my chest when something froze my body.

Another vision struck me. “How’d they get a forest down here?” Artyom asked with childlike wonder in his voice.

Ava walked up to one of the trees and tapped her hand against it. “Metal,” she said. As if they’d actually bring part of Siberia’s forests down here. “Merely an illusion.”

“But an amazing one! Look at the mountains, at the snow… There’s even animal tracks!” As he said that, a few birds flitted over his head and he watched them fly by, giggling in glee. “Amazing!”

“It’s… actually nice,” Ava was forced to agree, a smile coming to her face. “I wonder if it’s a playground, too.”

Artyom’s head turned to me. “Only for the most dangerous game.” The vision disappeared and I heard another howling. I looked around and found that Taya’s body had vanished, taking the blood with it.

“...This place is gonna kill me,” I breathed, putting my sword away with shaky hands. I suddenly heard the baying of hounds and knew I needed to move before something else found me. I started sprinting into the dilapidated metal forest, looking for any sign of an exit. All of the snow had long since melted away, leaving a hard dirt ground and metal bushes in my path.

As I ran, I continued finding more skeletons and hearing more whispers, alongside the sounds of something running behind me and a hunter shouting orders. After a few frantic minutes of running and trying to keep distance between us, the first dog jumped out in front of me. I didn’t even slow down, just put my foot on its back and used that as leverage to jump over it, forcing the ghoulish animal to the floor and running off before it could nip at me.

I kept running until I tripped and fell into a pit full of skeletons, what I realized had probably been a lake or pond at some point. All the dry bones I landed on broke and scratched at my skin and clothes, cutting me and slicing open my outfit. I started scrambling around, looking for a side of the pond that wasn’t too steep to climb. A few more seconds later, the dogs started smelling my fresh blood and their howling increased in volume as they all homed in on me. The hunter began laughing.

Before I could get to one of the edges, something grabbed the chain around my neck, yanking me down. I whirled around, slamming my fist out and through the skull of the skeleton that had grabbed me. It broke, of course, and the spirit released it. However, the other skeletons started animating, grabbing at my legs and my body, trying to drag me down.

They lacked any kind of muscles, though, so I was thankfully able to slowly overpower them. It cost me a lot of time, though, time I very desperately needed. It was only when I was out of the pit did I remember that I had wings, but a quick shine with my flashlight up to the ceiling told me that the tops of the trees were very sharp and there was almost no room between the ceiling and the trees.

So I continued to run, hoping the hunter didn’t have any kind of gun. An arrow suddenly appearing in the ground next to me answered that hope, telling me that he didn’t need a gun to kill me from afar. Another dog materialized in front of me and once again, I stepped on it to jump over it, forcing its head into the dirt.

As I ran away this time, another vision hit me. Now is not the fucking time, god dammit! Several horrified refugees ran along with me in the woods, whimpering in fear every time they heard a dog. After a few seconds, a large man appeared directly ahead of them, wielding a bow the size of a pony. They all stopped in fear at the sight of him.

His mouth was bloody, as though he had just been chewing on fresh meat. There was a garland of ears around his chest, dangling and jumping about as he moved. At his side was a massive wolf with fangs the size of fingers, dripping blood and saliva. Scars of all kinds covered all visible parts of both the dog and its owner, criss-crossing their features like some kind of horrid tribal tattoos.

The man drew his bow back with a dark grin and launched an arrow longer than my arm right into the chest of one of the refugees next to me, then burst from the woods to cut off the fellow’s ear. The rest of us scattered, with the dog following me. Just like that, the vision ended with the massive wolf still on my heels.

Seconds later, I heard its feet leave the ground and whirled around to meet my death face-to-face. However, something extremely unexpected happened. The butcher from before grabbed the wolf around the throat and slung it into the ground, then jammed his butcher-knife hand through the thing’s neck. His whirring mouth reached down and tore off a strip of grimy flesh before he turned back to me.

My savior glared at me, pure hate in his eyes, and then erupted into a brilliant red-orange flame. Then he started moving toward me, lifting his knife again…

...Before a massive arrow blossomed from the back of his head. I turned and booked it, deciding to let the two of them duke it out. The sounds of fighting diminished as I ran and ran, looking for any kind of possible exit.

Finally, I found the edge of the forest and a crack in the wall, something that was definitely not an official exit. As soon as I started crawling through it, a vision hit me. “Come on, Artyom,” the fellow whispered to himself, pausing at the edge of the crack, looking out into the forest. “Gotta get through this forest… Ava is counting on me. I have to activate that elevator!”

Some shouting came from behind him, toward the direction I was moving. He gulped and got the rest of the way out of the crack, leaving the place at a dead run. It wasn’t until he was gone that I noticed he had been bleeding. The vision ended and I continued crawling.

After nearly a minute and several close calls where I thought I’d have to turn around because of my wings, I hit the end of the makeshift tunnel, though I almost immediately regretted it.

Before me was a field of fire, a battleground where hundreds, thousands, of demons fought. Their shapes were varied and strange, though all were equally grotesque. A few semi-normal shapes lurked among them, fighting with beasts even more horrid than others. A centaur fought several monsters at once. Hordes of undead squared off with hordes of weaker demons. Blasts of magic fired from several hands and horns. A force of frantic and fanatic female demons went wherever a radiant male demon pointed, killing all as they went.

And before me stood a large demon of fire, holding a wicked glaive in both of her hands. “This land was mine, ape,” she hissed, bringing the bladed staff down at me. I jumped right the fuck out of the way. “I owned it, my warriors conquered it! You will not take it from me!”

My sword instantly appeared in my hands and words not my own came from my mouth. “I’ll take it and I’ll take you, fire! You will help me!”

“I would sooner die!” She whirled her glaive around toward me. I blocked it with my sword, but the force of it pushed me back and knocked me off balance. One of her legs lashed out and kicked me square in the chest. “Weak! Puny! How could you have ever united this land behind you?”

“My mind.” I reached a hand down and grabbed a throwing knife that shouldn’t have been there, throwing it at her. She blocked it effortlessly and pushed forward again. However, it pissed her off enough that she became somewhat sloppy.

I ducked under her next swing and stepped in, so I was too close for her to hit. My sword then slammed forward. She jumped to the side and batted me away with the haft of her weapon, but my icy blade still cut into her, killing some of the flame on her body.

“I will give you to my demons and laugh as they tear you to pieces!” she roared, jumping forward for another attack.

However, the vision instantly ended and her form was replaced by the butcher, still damaged slightly from his fight with the hunter. The fight that ended, by the way, with the removal of the hunter’s head that was now in the butcher’s free hand.

Since my sword was still in my grasp, I used it to block the butcher’s attack, then slid it down his arm. The flames died down where the mighty blade sliced him, but I wasn’t paying attention to his other hand. He beat me upside the head with the hunter’s head, knocking me straight down and making me lose my grip on my sword.

He pounced down at me, bringing his horrifying mouth to my face and trying to rip off anything he could. His fiery body burned me even through my clothes, though that didn’t stop me from lifting up my hands to hold him back. Ivan didn’t like that one bit, and lifted his knife hand to slice at me. By the time he did, though, I lifted up both of my legs and kicked him up and away, then rolled over to grab my sword.

I got up and turned back to him just in time to get hit in the chest by a flying head. As soon as it touched me, it started biting, trying to rip through the singed fabric. My entire body was in pain by that point, so I was in no mood for that shit, and just grabbed him by the hair and ripped him off, throwing him away.

When I finally recovered, the butcher was back on me. The flashlight chose that moment to start flickering, so the fucker kept blinking in and out of focus as I dodged and parried all of his blows. If his eyes hadn’t been glowing and his body hadn’t been emitting light from the fire, there’s no way I would have lasted even a second like that.

As it was, I was actually… winning. Mind, holding onto the sword with a bloody and burned hand was nearly impossible and he kept doing more damage to my clothing every time he got near, but it seemed that he didn’t actually know how to fight. When I finally did some damage by cutting off his hand, I thought the fight might be winding down.

Still, cutting off his free hand didn’t seem to bother him at all, and he just lifted his now useless arm and slung his blood at me, getting it all over my face. The liquid began eating into my skin and I screamed, jumping back and struggling to wipe it off while still fending him off. Several frantic seconds passed as I fought almost completely blind, going solely off the heat I could feel to dodge and strike at random. He was still throwing blood at me, but most of it was hitting my clothes instead of my face or any exposed flesh.

Finally, I cleared my vision. He was swinging at me yet again, bringing his fire arm up to bear. I let all my rage come to the forefront, all the pain and hate I felt, and used that to completely ignore the horror of the action I was about to do. Then I stepped inside his swinging arc, bringing me right up next to his burning body and whirring mouth, and stabbed him straight through the gut with Excalibur.

More ichor shot from his mouth and I ripped the sword up, cutting through flesh, bone, and evil organs, until finally it went through his head again. The butcher fell back on the floor, bleeding horribly.

But since he got up before, I wasn’t going to count on that to keep him down. This time, though, I decided to take a more… proactive approach to dealing with him. I stepped in and slammed my sword down on his knife, cutting right through it. Then I brought it down on both parts of his neck, cutting his head off. One part, I kicked against the wall, sending acidic ichor and brain matter flying everywhere. The other part, I stepped on, crushing beneath my heel.

Then I cut off both arms and both legs, then cut them again at the joints so it would take him even longer to come back. Finally, I pulled out one of my daggers and cut out the fucker’s black, beating heart. I dropped it on the floor and crushed it as well, making a wail of pure pain and anguish erupt from what was left of his body.

Finally, I spit right on his remains. “Rot in hell, bitch.” I cleaned my blades and turned my back on him, walking off. “Bring me your worst,” I said aloud, walking off and shining my flashlight ahead of me. “They’ll end up like him, I swear it.”

I would come to very, very much regret saying that.

Chapter One Hundred and Eleven—The Damned

Chapter One Hundred and Eleven—The Damned

For two hours after my last encounter with the butcher, the bunker seemed… placid. I was hesitant to say that the place was cowed, but I no longer ran into bodies and there were no more visions. Even the halls seemed to clear up, with me not running into any more obstructions.

That should have been my first hint.

What finally tipped me off was the fact that I was following the same hall for two hours. That simple, obvious fact finally clicked and I looked around. “There’s no way this place is that big.” I walked over to one of the side walls and put my head against it, looking ahead. No curvature…

I backed away from the wall and pulled out my sword, then slashed it against the wall, leaving a gouge in the metal. Then I put it away and started walking again. Ten minutes later, I found that same gouge.

“I see how it’s gonna be,” I said, my eyes narrowing. Since I had no choice, I continued walking. There was a door I passed a few times, a door that just screamed ‘trap’ to me. When I got to it again, the lights inside suddenly turned on. If I had any other choice, I wouldn’t have stepped inside. As it was…

The smell of pine filled my nose as I entered the new room. My eyes quickly adjusted to the strong new light and I realized I was in the living room in the house I lived in as a kid. In one corner of the room was a large, sparsely decorated Christmas tree. My sister was sitting next to it, staring at the pile of gifts under the thing. My parents may not have cared that much about us, but they knew how to splurge for Christmas.

“Come on, Anon!” my sister said. “Hurry up so we can open presents!”

My mind blanked for some reason, the nostalgia of the event eroding my sense of self-preservation. I stepped forward, my naked feet rubbing harshly against the rough carpet. It was only then that I noticed I was in pajamas, not that my mind thought there was anything amiss. Jane wasn’t even watching me, seeming more intent upon the presents. I sat on the floor next to her and snatched one of the gifts up, pulling at the bow on top of it.

That’s when I heard the click. I blinked, instantly returning to the present, and noticed I was holding a live hand grenade, its pin now in my other hand. “Oh fuck!” I tossed the thing away and sprinted for the door, having to jump to my feet. The thing violently exploded two seconds later, before I could make it fully to the door.

A breath of hot air and then fragments of pain threw me back out into the hall. I hit the ground painfully and then slid right into the opposite wall, clunking my head. If I had to guess, I’d say I faded out of consciousness for a few seconds, but clawed my way back as quickly as I could. I refused to give the horrors that cursed the bunker access to my dreaming mind.

Thankfully, there were no secondary explosions behind me, so I carefully felt around my body for any damage. My back was bleeding and I suspected I’d have a major bruise on my forehead to add to the damage the acid had already done. But I could still see and I could still stand, as evidenced by me forcing myself to my feet a few seconds later.

I reached up and popped my neck with an awful crack before shaking myself limp. Tears came to my eyes from the pain that caused, but I just set my shoulders and walked right back into the room. The place was a nearly empty armory, the few guns left looking corroded and ready to break. I had a feeling any of them would misfire if I tried using them, not that there were too many left.

The place I had been sitting in front of before was a crate. I looked inside and found that I had removed the last grenade from it. Just my luck that the last one left would actually still be good and ready to explode. Fucking Russian engineering.

There was a door at the far side of the room that was actually open, so I started walking that way. However, I didn’t get all the way there before another one of the visions hit me, lighting the room back up.

“Come on, come on, where’s the explosives?” Artyom asked, rummaging around. “There’s gotta be something left!” After a few seconds of looking around, he found the box of grenades. “...One left. Not strong enough to get through anything. Someone else might need it more.” He went off to search more boxes while I fought to stop myself from strangling the motherfucker, ghost or not. His vision ended not long after.

I just shook my head and continued walking to the door. This one had been blasted open from the outside, so I figured it was probably the spearhead of the force that raided the armory, not that I really cared too much. I was looking for the exit, not to play Ghost Buster.

On the other side of that door was yet another hallway, though this time, the door I left was at the end of it. Since I wasn’t presented with a choice, I just started walking. As I passed through the hall, I heard sounds of shooting and screaming and passed several skeletons, many of which had holes through bones. A pitched battle had been waged down that hall, with a poor end for the defenders. In the confines of the small hall, it was painfully loud.

At the end of the tunnel was a small room. If I had to guess, I’d call it a break room. I didn’t have to guess, though, and I also didn’t care, so I just walked right on in. As soon as I stepped inside, another vision hit me.

“You hear the rumors?” one uniformed dude asked another, nursing a cup of coffee. “There are other survivors.”

“Other survivors across the world, maybe,” the other guy said. “What does it matter to us? War’s over. The only winner was Satan, earning billions of souls. Those survivors leave us alone, we leave them alone. The end.”

The other one shook his head. “No, not the end. They want to rebuild. And they want our help.”

“...How are they looking to do that?”

“I don’t know. The commander realized some of us were listening and shut his trap. But I got a feeling something’s gonna happen.”

“Well, if it happens, it happens. Our job is to keep God’s peace, nothing else.”

“Right, right…” And then the vision ended, leaving me once more in the dead stillness of the bunker.

“All these fucking visions… Why not show me to some ancient vodka, huh?” I asked. “At least then if you killed me, I wouldn’t have to feel it.” The bunker didn’t seem very willing, so I just sighed and continued walking. There was a door right on the other side of the break room, so I just went through it and continued following the hall down. This time it was a very short one, with a door just a few steps away.

My breath caught when I entered the next area. This wasn’t just another hallway or command station, no. This chamber was massive, spanning several storeys with walkways on each. Catwalks spanned the gaps above me, allowing the visitors a way to get from place to place easily.

I had entered the mall. It seems that the Russians hadn’t been so quick to cast off capitalism as I thought. Though without knowing more about how life had been back then, I really couldn’t say much.

Either way, the mall was a very large area that encompassed more than just a shopping district. Attached to it were an amusement park, the industrial areas, the storage areas, and a small medical and science area. I knew all that because of the map that was right outside of the little security room.

After looking at the map for several seconds, I finally found what my eyes were looking for: An emergency exit. Not an exit further into the bunker, no. From what I could tell on the map, this was a way out. Unfortunately, it was far, far away, on the other side of the science area. Once again, it might well take me a full day to get there, if I kept running into blockages and problems.

A possible shortcut came to mind and I looked up, wondering if I could fly. Sure, both of my wings were damaged from all the fighting and problems I had run into, but I’d make sure they carried me if push came to shove. However, my mind went back to the Googleplex and its mall.

I grabbed a chunk of debris from the floor and tossed it up. It bounced off some netting and hit the ground a few seconds later, telling me that I wasn’t going to be flying. And I also seemed to be at the far end of the mall, so I was going to be doing a lot of walking.

So I started walking. In the gloom and darkness, I could barely see twenty meters in any direction, even with the flashlight. There was some kind of oppressive force of darkness stopping the light from going much farther. Still, I had to thank whoever made the light. If it had died falling down that shaft, I probably would have died with it.

Though as another vision hit me, I couldn’t help but wonder if that would have been a good thing. “Look at this place, Ava!” Artyom said, looking up at all the floors in wonder. “Have you ever seen anything like it?”

“No.” Nor do I really want to again. So much wealth and opulence. God wants us to live simple lives, not full of such trappings. “It’s… something.”

“It’s amazing,” Artyom said, laughing in delight.

Several passersby watched us with strange looks. Why are they looking at us like that? Is there something wrong for showing interest in their creations? The vision cut off, once more bathing the room in a vast darkness. I continued walking once again, wondering what new horror the place would throw at me. There were already sounds of hundreds of others around me, walking and talking, a gentle muted roar that I knew from my times in cities and malls.

It was a strangely… healthy sound for a place so broken and damaged.

I have to say, I wasn’t that surprised when I ran into the first barricade. Despite being very tall, the mall wasn’t really all that wide. The metal shield before me went all the way to the top of the current storey, meaning I couldn’t just fly or climb over. As a test, I tossed another piece of debris at the top. It bounced off.

I sighed and started looking for a way around. Instead of a ladder that would allow me to skip a lot of potential future trouble, I found a shop with broken windows. Judging by the mannequins, I’d say the place had been a clothing store. All the clothing had long since rotted off of them, but they still proudly stood in their places, memorials of a place long forgotten and longer still dead.

As soon as I set foot within the clothing store, I was hit by another vision, Artyom pulling a smiling Ava behind. Oh, the dresses outside were so pretty! But surely they’re too expensive…

“I’m sure they won’t mind if you try anything on,” my love told me, grinning from ear to ear.

“We definitely don’t,” one of the shopkeepers said, also smiling. “Should you need any help finding anything, just let one of us know.”

“We will,” I assured them, nodding. But I don’t think Arty will be spending much time looking at the dresses… As he led me away, the vision ended.

I blinked when it was over, having been fully absorbed into the setting. And then I shouted in shock, jumping back. Arrayed in a circle around me were all of the mannequins. There was a sound behind me and my breathing picked up as I whirled around. The mannequins behind me had moved closer, lifting their arms.

I slipped through a gap between them and ran a few steps before turning back again to find that all the mannequins moved in even closer to me, their arms raised. I started backing away, unwilling to take my eyes off them. None of them moved as I tried to put my back on something solid. After a few seconds, I bumped into something smooth and felt an insane burst of noise straight into my brain, making me scream in shock.

I jumped away from it and turned to see, not thinking about the danger. Turns out I bumped into another mannequin, which made me realize I had left about ten right behind me. Just as I realized that, I felt them grabbing me, pure pain shooting straight into my skull as the silent monstrosities screeched staticky sounds.

No mortal could survive that for longer than a few seconds. I felt my body start seizing up before I managed to push myself away from them all and burst into a run, trying to get absolutely anywhere that wasn’t around them. My destination of choice ended up being a window leading outside. There was glass covering it, but that glass completely disappeared when I burst through it.

Finally, I did what I should have done and ripped my sword away from its sheath, turning to face the monsters. However, each of the mannequins had moved back to their original spots. Feeling at least slightly safe, I let the sword fall from my hands and I fell to my knees, hands clutching at my pounding head. Without moving them, I could feel blood from my ears and it dripped from my nose onto the floor.

“This place is going to kill me,” I panted, out of breath from fear and pain.

“And?” a voice scratched at me, adding more pain to my ears. “You seek death. What does it matter if it comes for you here?”

I leaned over and grabbed my sword, then used that as a crutch to pull myself into a standing position. “I die… on my terms,” I groaned, standing. “No one is allowed to kill me but me.” I started walking again, since I was now apparently on the other side of the barricade. The ghost didn’t reply.

The pain in my head slowly subsided to more of a dull throbbing every few seconds and I put the sword away, my arms feeling too weary to carry it. Honestly, the place was starting to get to me. The appearance of another barricade did nothing to put me in a good mood. Thankfully, there weren’t any mannequin stores to either side this time. One side was boarded up and I didn’t feel like cutting through it, so I just went to the other side.

When my feet passed the threshold, a heavenly scent wafted up to my nose. My weary mind latched onto the smell of pumpkin spice and I took a few involuntary steps forward, another vision of sorts coming to my mind.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” a smiling shopkeeper asked, his arms behind his back.

“What’s that wonderful scent?” I replied, looking around the room. It looked like we were in a coffee shop or something, and it was just the two of us.

“It’s coffee,” he answered. “Pumpkin spiced, freshly brewed. It’s something we imported from America.”

“Doesn’t that seem… wasteful?” I asked. “Should we not seek to live our lives plainly?”

“My dear, God gave us pleasures like these for us to enjoy them. It seems not partaking would be more of a sin, does it not?” Maybe… “Would you like to try a cup?”

“I really shouldn’t…”

“Please, I insist. I made extra and don’t know what to do with it. Just wait here a moment.”

I awkwardly stood there as he stepped over to a machine. Surely if it was sinful, the high patriarch would have banned it. He seemed like a good man, a good leader. I might have to bring Artyom here later to see what he thinks…

Finally, the fellow turned to me, holding up a mug. “Please, try some. It’ll be hot, though.” My body took the cup and looked at the dark contents within somewhat hesitantly. After pausing to consider, I started lifting it to my mouth…

And the vision ended. Right in front of my face was a cup of some orange-red fluid that was bubbling slightly. I threw it away from me and it immediately began eating through the floor. There’s no telling how it didn’t damage the cup, but I also didn’t really care.

“We will end you,” something whispered next to me. “It’s only a matter of time.”

As I walked to the back of the coffee shop, looking for an exit that didn’t take me back into the main room, I thought back to the offer I was made in Stalliongrad. Namely, the amulet of true-seeing. Why oh why did I have to take that stupid book? Athena is a useless bitch and her books just paint more mysteries than they solve. That amulet would be so nice right now.

But alas, I had no way of getting it now. So onward I forged, deep into the bowels of the desecrated coffee shop. There in the back, I found exactly what I was looking for: A service path. It would hopefully let me leave the sad tale of Ava behind and skip a lot of the obstructions.

The door was locked, but I remedied that with the power of stabbing. Thankfully, it was a wooden door instead of one of those pesky metal ones. After looking both ways for any potential danger, I started walking down the path that would take me closer to the exit.

Nothing is ever as easy as it should be. The going was good for about fifteen minutes or so. There were the occasional obstructions and skeletons that wept or screamed at me, but nothing that was too bad. Better than mannequins that raped me with static or clerks that served me acid. I was starting to get thirsty and hungry, though, so I had a feeling those things would start getting used against me soon enough.

Finally, though, I hit the end of where I could walk. Before me was a brick wall that went up to the ceiling. The mortar had long since rotted away, so I started pulling bricks down. I quickly realized that there was a metal wall on the other side of the brick wall.

“What was even the point of that?” I muttered, tossing a brick behind me. The last door I had seen was a few meters back, so I just sighed and turned around. Imagine my surprise when I saw Ivan charging at me down the hall, his mouth dripping ichor. All the scars from what I had done still graced him, even as they still healed. “Fuck me…”

One of my hands reached back and I grabbed another brick, drawing my sword with the other. When the dude got close enough, I chucked the brick right at his face. He didn’t even flinch as it crushed into him, breaking some of his teeth. I lifted the sword to block the blow from his damaged knife, cursing myself for not breaking it the rest of the way. His other hand reached out and grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer.

My off hand drew a dagger and slammed it into the arm that was holding me. He roared but didn’t stop pulling me closer, his mouth moving in to bite. I kicked him back, cutting out with the knife at the same time. That put another hole in my shirt, but he lost his grip on me since his tendons no longer controlled his hand. Before he could recover, my sword slammed into him for the third time.

This time, however, I was thoroughly sick of his bullshit. I spun him toward the brick wall and slammed him into it, the sword still inside of him. The bricks started falling onto the creepy bitch and I slid my sword out, letting him get crushed under the weight of some bricks. In the end, his head, hand, and knife were sticking out, still struggling. I cut off his hand and kicked it down the hall. I cut the knife off at the base and threw it after the hand. Then I chopped off his head and grabbed its struggling form by its greasy hair and left the body behind, walking to the closest door I could find.

That happened to be a store that sold Christian goods, a place that I’m sure was popular back in the day. I took the head to the biggest metal cross that was still there and impaled it on the top. The thing’s mouth whirled frantically at me as I backed away, unable to make noises since it no longer had lungs.

I smiled at its anger. “The power of Christ compels you, bitch. Maybe it’ll compel you to stop being a dick. Have fun down here for the rest of forever.” With that, I walked back into the main mall area, feeling relatively good about myself. As I continued walking to the amusement park, I smiled, a verse coming to mind. “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” Quite literally, given that the mall was shaped like and felt like a valley, and there were shades of death all around me. “...I shall be the evil others fear, for god has abandoned me. Thy rod and staff abuse me, but I rise above and triumph regardless.”

I have never felt more emo than I just did. Holy shit. Either way, it pumped me up more, helping erase some of the tiredness that was beginning to seep into my bones. The ghosts around me went silent for nearly five minutes as well. And it was just them, too, not the rest of the abandoned place; my footsteps were actually making sounds.

This is normally the place where I’d say that should have been a sign of something, but my good luck actually continued for nearly a full hour, though I had to take several detours around dangerous or blocked off places. A theory began forming in my mind. The bunker had a limited amount of energy, and pulling forth things like the butcher used up a lot of its energy. There was no way of confirming it, but thinking it made me feel better.

Either way, after several hours of trudging through the mall, I finally crossed into the next section: The amusement park. And it was fully lit up and running. Even better, there wasn’t any kind of netting above me. I smiled, spreading my wings, and then immediately reconsidered.

If I get caught by something on the ground, I could fight. If I got caught by something in the air, I would fall and probably hurt myself. And, after taking a moment to look around the amusement park, there were plenty of things up there that could catch me. Flags, moving rides, flying undead birds that were starting to swarm toward me, and that’s all I saw before I fucking booked it to the nearest building.

Imagine my surprise when the building I ran into was a house of horrors. I almost turned around to try my luck with the skeletal birds that were somehow flying, but decided just about anything would be better than getting torn to shreds. Besides, there was no way the haunted house some ghosts could come up with would be anything near as bad as the one Luna and I made so very long ago.

...Though it might end up being more lethal.

However, before I could start walking through it, one of the visions kicked in. That was all I had time to notice before I was standing at the end, bleeding from a cut on my arm. “What the absolute fuck?” I asked, looking around me in surprise. “What happened?”

The bunker didn’t answer my questions, of course. It never did. Since there was nothing else for me to do but go on, I did so, clutching at the wound to try to stop the bleeding. After all, I didn’t want the smell of blood in the air.

As I walked, watching the skies for more birds, another vision hit. “We really should get that looked at, honey,” Artyom told me, looking in concern at my arm.

“It’s nothing, dear,” I told him reassuringly. “I just need to cover it and it’ll be fine.”

“Still, someone should be told of that danger. We need to find an employee. What if a child gets hurt?”

“...Yes, we should tell someone. Let’s ask him for directions.” My gaze was suddenly directed toward a smiling clown.

Oh god, oh god, I know exactly where this is going. Please, no, please…

Sure enough, the vision ended, leaving the clown standing there. Smiling. This was no evil clown, born of darkness and hate. This was a normal clown, a fellow that seemed to want to just bring a smile to my face. One of my feet involuntarily moved back, ready to sprint away.

“Well hello there, little girl!” he said in a happy voice, his smile deepening. His makeup seemed to stay in one spot while the rest of his face moved, strangely enough. “Would you like a flower?”

“N-no thanks,” I hastily said.

He took a step closer to me. “Now don’t tell me you’re afraid of clowns, little lady. Nothing scary about me at all!”

God, how can I get rid of this bastard? “Uh…”

“Hey now, don’t you worry. Did you lose your parents, little one?”

Does he really think I’m a little girl? “...They told me we were on the way to the doctor,” I said after thinking for a few seconds. Maybe he’ll give me a shortcut.

“Well, that’s no good! But don’t you worry, we’ll find them. You stay close to ol’ Popsy the Clown now, alright? How else would you hear my amazing jokes?”

“...Alright.” He held out a hand that I stared at. Should I take the risk? Call me a fool, but I slowly wrapped my fingers around his.

“Now come along, dearie! We have an epic journey ahead of us!” Curse my inherent trust of strangers. Ponyland has made me soft. Either way, he led me off, swinging my arm back and forth. “Do you like jokes, dear?” he asked a few seconds after we started walking down the empty thoroughfare.

“Sure.”

“Wonderful! Say, do you know what material this clown-suit is made from?”

Crushing loneliness, broken dreams, and oceans of tears? “No, what?”

“Poly-jester!” God fucking dammit. The cheesiness of it got me to smile, at least. “Ah, such a pretty smile… You know, I think I might go with you to the doctor. I mean, I’m feeling a little… funny.” I face-palmed, a smile across my face. He giggled at my predicament.

I figured it would be my turn, though. “Hey Popsy, what do you call a man with no arms that gets in a fight with his cat?”

“Oooh, that’s a hard one… Hm. Do you call him by his name?”

I smiled and nodded. “Claude!”

He burst out laughing. “Oh, my dear, maybe one day you’ll be a clown, too! But just be careful; you have really big shoes to fill!” I know I shouldn’t have laughed at that, but for some reason, it just made me start giggling. “See there? Nothing to frown about at all. You know, I bet your parents wouldn’t mind if you took a little detour… Wanna go on some rides?”

My eyes widened, but before I could tell him hell no, he picked me up and tossed me into the seat of a small roller coaster we had been passing. I struggled to get out, but he hopped in next to me and pulled the bars down, locking us both in place.

“Just sit tight,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. “You’ll love it, I promise!”

I saw my life flashing before my eyes as the ancient and rickety thing began to move, then pick up speed. Imagine my surprise when the thing actually hit the end without either of us dying. Or at least, without me dying or him disappearing. Sure, I felt like I was going to die several times, but that was just the normal roller coaster feel.

My fingers lost their death grip on the safety bar when we slowed to a stop. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked, pulling the bar up. “Want to go on another?”

“I… I really should uh… meet my parents,” I said, not wanting to trust this ghoul for any longer than I had to.

“Well, it’s a long walk to the next district. I’m sure we can have all kinds of fun on the way!”

“...Fun. Right.” I need to ditch this clown. Get my defenses down, then murder me while I’m unwary.

“That’s the spirit! Now, shall we?” Before I could say anything, he hopped out of the car we were in and grabbed me, then set me on his shoulders so I was piggybacking him. “Onward!” He started walking off, making me clutch awkwardly at his bright orange hair. “Careful up there, dearie! You’ll learn what it’s like to spend half an hour doing your hair one day, trust me.” Sexist bitch.

“Sorry.” I didn’t even mean to apologize, it just sort of happened. Damn place is getting to my mind.

“Say, do you like animals?” he asked after a few seconds of walking.

Eyeing the skeletal birds that were circling us but not attacking for some reason, I said, “...Not really.”

“Well, that’s a shame. But I can make other things, don’t you worry!” He pulled out a used condom and started blowing it up and then I realized that it was a balloon and I’m just a slut. When it was full, he tied it off and then started twisting it in all kinds of shapes. Finally, he held it up. “A hat for you, my dear,” he said, passing it to me.

“...A hat?” I mused, taking it from him.

“Yes indeedy! A perfect fit for that pretty little head of yours, I bet.”

Truth be told, I didn’t want the thing anywhere near any part of me, but playing the ghost’s game seemed a wise idea when he was carrying me with a vise grip around my legs, holding me in place. I sighed and put the hat on my head. “It fits,” I told him.

“Wonderful! Just sit tight and let me make you something else.” Despite myself, I watched his hands flow about as he blew up another and then began folding it. Not too long after, he blew up yet another and started folding it as well. Soon, he held up a green flower. “For you, dear. To match your pretty eyes.”

“That’s… actually really neat,” I said, taking it from him. “Thanks.”

“No problemo, girlie.” After a few more seconds, he looked down at his wrist, where a broken watch was sitting. “Oh my, I can never tell if this thing’s right or not. I know it is twice a day, but it’s so hard to tell when… I suppose that’s what I get for throwing it out the window.”

He waited for me to ask the obvious question, so I bit and asked, “Why’d you throw it out the window?”

“I wanted to see time fly!” God dammit. I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling, though.

...And that’s how things went. The skeletal birds above us circled menacingly, but they kept their distance. The clown continued cracking jokes and dragging me onto rides, each one larger and more convoluted than the last. Truth be told, the entire thing was both terrifying and amazing at the same time. Despite several chances to kill me, his hand never once turned hostile.

Things were going so well, in fact, that after a few hours, I fell asleep on his back. It was an absolutely stupid mistake, but his rhythmic gait and being extremely tired both put me over the edge and I just passed out.

I never expected to wake up again, which is why I was very surprised when I woke up with the clown standing over me, smiling. I was lying on a bench and we seemed to be under the last working light in the entire amusement park.

Needless to say, I bolted upright immediately, then softly cursed when the pain from all my wounds hit me at once. “Relax, my dear,” Popsy said, gently patting me on the shoulder. “You’ll be safe for a little while longer, don’t you fret.”

“...What?” I asked, looking up at him. That was the first time he broke character. The dude was still smiling, but it seemed forced. The makeup on his face was starting to flicker, as though he was losing himself.

“This is where I have to leave you, girlie,” the clown said, sighing softly. “And I’m so, so sorry for what’s going to come and what you’ve been through.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, standing.

“All this. The horrors you’ve seen. The horrors that lie ahead. We aren’t all bad. And we were able to protect you for just a little while. We’ll stop Ivan from following you, but we can’t do anything for the places ahead. Just don’t let the others lead you to section E, past industrial.”

“...What’s section E?”

“Even prisons of the damned have places to store the worst inmates possible,” he sadly said. “Goodbye, girlie. I hope I never see you again.”

“Popsy, wait!” Instead of waiting, he faded away. The light above me began to flicker before slowly fading out. I pulled my flashlight back out as the place was wreathed in darkness, looking around for any signs of the friendly ghost.

The amusement park was abandoned and silent, save for a few rattling sounds that I couldn’t place. After a few seconds, I jerked my flashlight up, looking in the sky above me. Hundreds of skeletal birds were still flying. As soon as my light flashed on them, they surged toward me.

I spun around and booked it into the medical area, cursing my horrid luck. Thankfully, I made it into the confines of the next area. Not so thankfully, the birds followed me. But instead of attacking, they broke apart as soon as they passed the bounds and their bones just slammed into me. That was annoying, but thankfully not flesh rendingly dangerous.

Before the bones even hit the floor, another vision assailed me. An older fellow in a doctor outfit was talking to the lady behind the counter. “If we get any new guests today, can you send them to me? I would like to… talk to them.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea… doctor?” the secretary asked.

“As long as they can be convinced, there’s nothing illegal or wrong about it,” he answered with a smile. “I’ll treat them as needed and talk to them while doing so. Nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“...Of course not, doctor,” she sighed, looking away. The vision ended at that point, leaving me alone in a ruined hospital waiting room. There were a few metal pots that looked like plants had been there at some point. I shined my light around, looking for anything of interest or that might be dangerous. Several hallways led off.

After examining my choices, I picked the largest hall, since I assumed that would be the one that led through the research/medical place. Since even if there were signs, they probably would have been in Cyrillic text, I had no clue if I was actually going the right way. I could only hope I’d be able to stay on the ground floor and not have to go up to find god knows what. Thankfully, the medical/research place was supposed to be small, so I was hoping it wouldn’t take me very long to get through it.

I should have learned long ago that hope is a commodity I’m not allowed to have.

The first sign of trouble was the massive metal bulkhead that blocked me off from getting further through the tunnel. My suspicions that the place was blocked off and didn’t just end mostly came from the scorch marks on the wall like they came from a welding torch and the scratches that looked kinda like fingernail marks.

Personally, I didn’t want to think about what would make someone want to try scratching a steel wall. I also didn’t want to think about whatever may have dragged them away. Since there was nothing else for it, I just sighed and turned back. As I was doing so, I caught a flick of shadows behind me that I instantly turned toward, aiming the light at. Of course, there was nothing there.

I drew my sword and began looking for a side passage. “Whoever thinks they might be stalking me, know that I killed your butcher three times. You may have infinite lives, but I have an infinite amount of fucks to not give. Go ahead and try me.”

Several doors were open along the sides of the hallway I was in, but after looking in them, I saw that none of them had any exits. And worse, most of them contained dismembered skeletons, the bodies of which were usually on beds.

As I walked, looking for another way out, my mind couldn’t help but drift to what might have happened to the people in the bunker. I know I didn’t want to think about it and I tried my hardest not to care, but the place was the direct proof I needed to say that humans once existed on the planet. Despite myself, I started thinking about their downfall.

Whatever happened was obviously violent and involved infighting. One guy mentioned that the farms kept going down and I had seen plenty of evidence of cannibalism. I knew that cannibalism can technically be fatal if you eat a guy with prions, but it probably wouldn’t have caused the brutal insanity I had seen in other places. Or was that just the true height of human cruelty?

People removed from hope and given insane leadership are willing to do truly insane and horrible things. There was evidence of that all throughout history. That Bishop Igor fellow seemed like a right proper dick, so I could see him leading them down the wrong way. Ivan wasn’t much better, and it seemed the hunter I ran into was also a villainous sort.

But could so few truly seed a downfall as brutal as the one that occurred within the bunker? Somehow, I had a suspicion that I’d find out sooner than I’d want.

My thought train came to an end when I found a side path that went both left and right. The left side was clear, with nothing blocking the halls and no signs of anything odd. The right side was littered with bones and a miasma of death seemed to be seeping from it.

Needless to say, I went right. The place was trying to get me killed, so the safe way would seem like the unsafe way. Or at least, that’s what I was hoping would be the case.

Whispers started coming to my ears as I walked. Half-heard mutters and faint conversations assailed me, but I paid them no mind; Morrowind prepared me for dealing with things like that. What was more disconcerting was the rattling I began hearing around me. It wasn’t coming from the bones I was stepping on, since that was more akin to snapping.

After about a minute of hearing it, I stopped and tried to pinpoint which direction it was coming from. The damn tunnels were echoing too much to make that possible, though. I did, however, notice that the bones seemed to be… moving. They were rolling back, to some point behind me.

Since there could be anything back there, I shot my head and body back, trying to see whatever was making the bones drag across the floor. However, when I looked back, there was nothing there. And by nothing, I meant literally nothing; the bones were gone, the hall was gone, the light didn’t even shine.

I spun and began fucking sprinting down the hall. Something within me was afraid of that void, and I had a feeling that getting caught in it would be a bad thing. The rattling picked up and I started to feel a suction behind me as well, something trying to pull me back. After taking a quick look ahead to make sure the path was clear, I put the flashlight in a pocket and just booked it, picking up as much speed as I could even with the vacuum.

That turned out to be a mistake, as I tripped over some kind of bone on the floor. I was forced to put my plan into place sooner than I was expected, jamming my sword into the floor as I fell and holding on for life as the suction picked up.

“I can save you,” a voice whispered in my ear, bypassing the roaring wind that was screaming at me. “Pull you out of this pit.”

At what cost? I have no interest in your deals!

“Cost? My dear, there is no cost. There might be… side effects, but I’ll be there to guide you through all of them.”

I’d rather die.

“Then die you will. And when you die, you’ll be here, with us, forever. And that butcher you mentioned would like to spend a little quality time with you, I believe. You’ll have a fun time moving your blessed sword when you’re incorporeal. Accept my help or suffer eternally.”

Now or later, I’ll suffer anyway. I won’t give you the satisfaction of winning like this.

I took a deep, deep breath, used the strength I got from sleeping to pull myself forward, and wrenched my sword out of the floor, casting myself into the void.

“You lose, Anonymous,” a voice said before blackness consumed me.

There’s no telling how long I was out. When I woke up, I was lying on a hospital bed and completely naked save for the collar and broken chain still around my neck. A mostly normal fellow was standing over me with a needle in one hand. The ‘mostly’ part came from having shadows where his eyes should be. “Let’s give you your medicine now,” he said with a smile, lowering the needle down to me.

I wasn’t having any of that, and knocked his hand away from me, then rolled off the bed on the other side. His smile hadn’t faded, so I kicked the portable bed at him. It slid right through him and he took a step to me.

“You need your medicine, dear,” he said, lifting the syringe.

“Like hell I do!” I slid away from him along the wall, looking for any kind of exit. Imagine my surprise when there were no doors leading away at all. All that was in the room was me, the doctor, the bed, and the syringe. Oh, fuck me.

As I was distracted by that realization, the doctor grabbed the chain attached to my neck and poked me in the back with the needle, then pressed the plunger, instantly filling the area all around the needle with pain. My body started seizing up as the drug worked its way through my system, but I wasn’t about to go down without causing some damage to this motherfucker.

One of my wings shot out and slapped the guy back and I whirled around, the needle still attached to me. It went flying out and I punched the mofo right in the face. His head jerked back and he lost his grip on the chain, but he quickly recovered, having taken no damage and still smiling. “Your medicine has been administered. Rest, so we may see the effects.”

“I will not be a subject,” I hissed, putting both of my hands around his throat.

“You already signed the contract,” he said, holding up a paper. On it, Ava’s name was printed at the very bottom. “Now rest.” His hand shot out and phased into my head. I instantly lost consciousness yet again.

This time, the body I woke up in wasn’t my own. I was still just as naked and considerably more female, but I had no control over my actions. It was nice to see such a large bosom on me, but the person controlling me seemed less interested in them than I was. “Where am I?” she asked, sitting up and looking around. I appeared to be in the same room, once again with no exits.

An intercom clicked on and said, “In our experiment room, Miss Ava. Would you kindly count to ten for us?”

The lady did so, slowly counting. When she finished, she asked, “Where are my clothes?”

“We removed them, as they would interfere with some of the tests. Please stand.” Ava did so, her sexy legs stretching out and then down. She was able to stand easily. “Now, please tell us what you’re feeling, as you feel it.”

“...Okay.” Her body suddenly started to walk. “What? What’s happening? I’m not doing that!”

“That is a side-effect. Please, what do you feel?”

“...Nothing,” she said as her body slowly walked around the smallish room. “This is strange. When will it stop?”

“When the testing is over.” Ava suddenly stopped walking and her arms lifted. Her fingers slowly started stretching and then flexing normally. “Full range of motions.” Her arms lifted above her head, and then lowered back down. She slowly got to her knees and then her arms lifted up. She started doing pushups. After ten, she stopped. “Please lie back on the bed, Miss Ava. It seems that the first set of tests with the new nanomachines was a success.”

“...Nanomachines?” she asked, her body walking to the bed automatically. “I thought the primate banned those!”

“You thought wrong, Miss Ava,” the voice said. “Now rest.” Our eyes closed and that was the end of that vision.

The first thing I noticed when I became conscious again was pain. The epicenter of the pain was where the motherfucker poked me with the needle, but it had spread all throughout my body. “The subject seems to be… resisting,” a voice said.

“I’ll… kill you…” I groaned, pushing myself up. It hurt, but the floor was cold and I refused to be on the ground in front of someone.

“Sit!” the voice ordered. My body struggled to obey, but it seemed that Flo was actually finally fucking doing something and fighting whatever the dude put in me. “Subject has foreign entities defending her body. Higher dose recommended.”

“I recommend you shove it up your ass,” I replied, finally getting to my feet. I reached up and loudly popped my neck, staring the scientist right in his shadows. “Kill me.”

His right hand lifted and another syringe appeared there. “Administering higher dose.”

My left hand shot out and wrapped around the hand with the needle and I pulled him toward me. Then I slammed my right arm into his elbow, shattering his arm. The syringe dropped and I grabbed it before it fell, slamming it into the dude’s neck and pushing the plunger. “Higher dose administered,” I hissed. “Now go back to hell where you belong!”

His head slowly turned to me and I let the syringe go, backing up. “Going back on the contract is unwise, Miss Ava.”

“I never claimed to be wise.”

His body jerked forward and something poked into my stomach, then a similar pain spread through the front of my body. “Higher. Dose. Administered,” he slowly said, his shadowy eyes staring into me.

“When I escape, I’m going to forget you,” I hissed. “A scientist that rots in obscurity. Enjoy the time while you have it.”

“Rest,” he ordered, pushing me back. My body obeyed, continuing backwards until I hit the wall. Then I slid down, becoming numb once again.

My eyes opened again and I was once more in Ava’s body. This time, she didn’t move. “Rise,” the intercom said. Ava’s body sat up. “We will begin more advanced tests today. There is a chance you won’t remember any of what is about to happen.”

“Why?” Ava asked.

“That is one of the points of the tests,” the intercom answered. One of Ava’s arms lifted up. “This may seem distressing. Remain calm.” Ava’s arm began to… change. The fingers elongated and stretched in ways they absolutely shouldn’t.

“What are you doing?!” she screamed as they manipulated her body. I could feel the bones moving, but there was no pain.

“We’re testing,” the intercom said. “Is there any pain?”

“Stop!” The changing immediately stopped and the arm reverted. “I never agreed to this!”

“The contract you signed agreed to medical testing. We are doing medical testing. You did, in fact, agree to this. Now, was there any pain?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore!” Ava shouted, struggling against invisible bonds.

“Rest.” Her eyes closed and that was that.

When I woke up again, my body felt like it had been in a fire. The desire to die was worming its way into my mind yet again, but the desire to murder was still stronger. To that end, I slowly pushed myself to my feet.

“I did not tell you to rise,” the eyeless doctor said.

“I will not bow,” I hissed, standing to my full height. The guy was taller than me, but that wasn’t important at the moment.

“All subjects will be brought to order,” he replied. “Perhaps an implant is needed. It will give us more reception.” He lifted another syringe in one hand and a scalpel in another.

“Flo, if you’re listening, now would be a good time for an adrenaline boost.” I don’t know if she was listening or if it was just the anger and rage inside of me, but I felt something surging in me. My first move was kicking the dude between the legs, though I didn’t expect that to do much.

When it didn’t, I grabbed the hand with the syringe and broke the arm the same way as I had before, then slammed the needle into one of his shadow eyes, depressing the lever. He swiped at me with the scalpel, perhaps annoyed. I blocked his arm with one of mine, then slid my arm around it and pulled up, lifting him to his tiptoes.

From there, I punched him in the face and let his arm go, sending him to the floor. He lost his grip on the scalpel and I scooped it up, slamming it into his other shadow-socket. A hole slid open in the wall and two large guys with no faces entered.

“The patient is being uncooperative,” the doctor calmly said. “Restrain her.”

I smiled slightly as the two large guys lifted their hands to grab me. One lunged while the other hung back. I dodged around the one that lunged and feinted toward the other. He fell for it and lifted his arms to block, but I sprinted for the door. Something snatched at one of my wings and ripped out a handful of feathers, but that didn’t stop me from bolting.

However, as soon as I got out of the room, I realized there was no reason to run. All of my things were suddenly back on me, so I was no longer naked and unarmed. I ripped my sword out and turned to murder the shit out of some undead, but the flashlight revealed nothing behind me. Once again, I was standing in an empty hall.

The pain was still there and it felt like something was trying to tear my insides apart, but at least someone wasn’t trying to shove stuff in me again. I took a deep breath, then let it out and put the sword away. After deliberating for a moment about which way to go and then realizing it probably didn’t matter, I set off once again.

“Hold on, Flo,” I whispered as I walked. “Keep fighting that shit. As soon as we get outta here, Ice’ll help you win.” If we get out of here.

Things calmed down in the bunker again after that. There were still the normal whispers and I felt eyes all around me, but nothing big happened. I guess experimenting on me and summoning three bigger ghouls was enough to drain it for a while. Or maybe the few good ghosts were doing their best to help me out.

Either way, the corridors of the hospital district were soon enough replaced by the sprawling amusement park and that’s when I realized I went the wrong fucking way. After sighing and contemplating suicide again, I turned back around and started walking before the birds could find me.

Several hours and detours and boobytraps and boring visions later, I was staring at the entrance of the industrial district. Which, if I was lucky, would be the last stop before escaping. I needed to escape quickly, too. The magic sustaining me was making the hallucinations worse and I could feel myself becoming more and more jumpy as I went further in. My hands were shaking and the flashlight seemed to flicker slightly with every step I took. It didn’t help that I was also very thirsty and getting very hungry.

Anyway, as soon as I stepped through the doors to the next district, another vision hit me. “What do you mean, you’re going back?!” I demanded, trying not to make too much noise.

“You heard the others,” Artyom whispered. “The elevator is locked from the bottom. Someone has to activate it for the doors to open!”

“You’ll be killed!”

“Maybe. But I have to try, my love. It’s either this, or die like rats while we wait for a locked door to open. Just think: When we get out of here, we can live in peace with the Americans.”

“If they’re really there,” I bitterly answered.

He grabbed me and pulled me into a gentle kiss. “They’ll be there,” he said when he pulled away. “I’ll always love you,” he added, caressing my face gently.

“I’ll always wait for you,” I whispered as the vision faded, tears coming to my eyes. Then my mind came back to me and I quickly shook my head, clearing out the tears.

That’s when I heard the first of the loud bangs, then heard klaxons wailing. Several more bangs started happening and then the lights above me flicked on, revealing part of the industrial complex that made up this corner of the bunker.

I was standing on a fully enclosed catwalk above a large number of machines of indeterminate purpose. Each had gauges and sensors and were starting to kick back into gear. Chains leading from the floor to the ceiling started moving. Engines kicked on. The catwalk I was on started vibrating slightly, but not enough to make me worry.

Since my only choice was to go forward, that’s what I did. The other wall didn’t seem that far off, so I was hoping I could get there without the catwalk shattering under me. Even if it did, as long as my damaged wings still worked, I could just fly to the exit.

There were a few ladders and doors leading out of the enclosure I was in, but I didn’t see any exits outside the one on the other side of the catwalk, so I just kept walking. Also, I probably should have been questioning how the machines were all running, but honestly, I didn’t care. I just blamed the ghosts and tried not to think about it.

When I got to the middle, I found a large hole in the floor of the catwalk. I backed up a few steps and then vaulted over it, then broke into a sprint since I had a feeling adding sudden pressure to something that’s already broken was a bad idea. Sure enough, more of the catwalk started falling through behind me. I got to the door shortly after, so it wasn’t much of a problem for me.

On the other side of the doorway was a hallway of hallways. Then I looked up and realized that I was looking at alleyways, not hallways. In front of me were several buildings that were separated by large crevasses in the forms of alleyways. The buildings went from the bottom of the room to the very top, so I couldn’t fly over them, and the alleys were too narrow to fly through.

I sighed, took a moment to pop my neck, and started walking down the first alley I saw. A few meters down, I realized there was a blockage ahead of me that I couldn’t climb, so I turned around and started walking back. There was another blockage behind me, one that definitely hadn’t been there before.

Now, I was planning on just ignoring the buildings, since I was sure they had to be death traps. Why else would they be activated, after all? But with both sides blocked by unclimbable materials, I walked through the open door on one side of the alley.

I immediately regretted that decision when I realized I was standing in a meat processing plant and there were several industrial-sized grinders running at full speed. “I should have just died at birth,” I sighed. That was yet another mistake, because on the sound of my voice, several more of the apparitions spawned, all in various states of decay, and began rushing toward me.

Excalibur quickly came to my hands and I bisected the first one, removing his legs. The others ignored his sacrifice and continued charging. One reached out a hand that he quickly lost, then slammed his arm at me like a club. It didn’t really hurt that much, but it knocked me off balance while I was trying to cut the head off another one.

That was all they needed to drag me to the ground, unfortunately. These weren’t skeletons, with no muscle or coordination. These were proper ghouls, hungering for flesh and letting their hate coordinate their efforts.

Unfortunately, those efforts happened to include trying to fucking eat me. I fought like a fucking deer, but despite heavy losses, they finally managed to force my sword away from me and force both of my arms to the ground. My only saving grace is that they seemed to have other animalistic urges as well.

So while they were fighting for precedence over who got to tenderize and then add extra flavoring to their meat first, I was struggling very viciously with the bastard pinning my body down with his. He was missing several teeth, but those he had were filed down and sharp. His pale-white eyes stared down at me with no emotion.

“If you don’t fight them,” I said, “they won’t let you have a turn. Probably won’t give you any meat, either.” That put some emotion in his eyes and his grin faltered. “That’s how things work down here, right? The strongest get everything they want? Prove to them who’s strongest.”

His grin came back. “While they argue, I’ll just take,” he whispered, his voice strangely calm and even. That wasn’t quite what I meant. But either way, he let go of my arms to undo his belt and that’s when I ripped out one of my daggers, burying it into his skull. He shrieked in either pain or anger at the deception, and all the others turned back to us.

Since they didn’t bother removing my sword or doing anything with it, I just grabbed it from where it had been lying and rolled to my feet, making a desperate swipe at the first bastard that came near me. It cut him in twain and the remaining five backed off slightly, unwilling to rush me now that I was armed and pissed.

The one with the knife in his skull ripped out the unenchanted weapon and staggered to his feet before rushing me with the dagger. I knocked the dagger away from his hand with my sword and then buried the blade into his sternum. He croaked as I kicked him back off, sliding the blade through his side to do more damage.

One of the five thought that I might be distracted by his friend’s valiant sacrifice. I taught him the error of his ways, kicking him between the legs and then slicing through his arms as he reached for his private area. He roared in anger or pain, so I shoved my blade through his neck.

The other four rushed again and I backpedaled, knowing I couldn’t let them get me on the ground again. One of them was holding a metal pole that he struck out at me with. I blocked it and pushed back, throwing him off balance. Before I could strike him, another one grabbed my sword arm.

I grabbed his hand where he was grabbing me and twisted it and my body around, throwing him off guard and slicing partially through his body where the sword hit him. That got him to let go and I jumped back again as the pole dude swung at me. I bumped into one of the others, who had gotten behind me to try to grab me.

He succeeded in wrapping his arms around my torso and he began trying to bite through my coat to get to my shoulder, since my neck was still covered by the collar. Since it was a really heavy coat, I ignored him for the moment and sliced through the fourth guy, who tried coming at me from my non-sword arm. It was a bit of a reach and it made me turn, but that ended up being a good thing since the pole guy was slamming his weapon down. Instead of cracking my skull open, it broke the head of the guy trying to bite me.

That made him let go and he fell backwards and right into the meat grinder that I hadn’t even noticed until then. It was a foot or two away from me and inlaid into the floor, making me wonder what the fuck kind of safety regulations the fucking Russians that owned the place had. He tumbled in and was ripped to shreds. I was a little too busy to get any satisfaction from that since I was fending off the guy that grabbed me earlier.

Since the grinder was so close, I tossed my sword aside and grappled the ghoul. He grinned, thinking that he had the advantage since he was stronger. I disabused him of that notion by spinning with him and then kicking him backwards a few feet, right into the grinder. The look of surprise on his face amused me right up until a metal pole slammed into my back, almost knocking me into the grinder myself.

I spun around in time to see it coming at me again, giving me time to jump to the side, out of the way. The monster wielding it took a few steps closer, swinging it overhead down at me. I stepped back until the pole hit the floor, then slammed my foot down on the top of it. His grip was apparently weak, because he lost hold of it.

That surprised him long enough for me to punch him right between the eyes. He backed off, clutching at his face, so I grabbed his pole and slammed it into the side of his head, knocking him into the grinder.

After taking a moment to look around to ensure that all the bastards were down, I nodded and tossed the metal pole aside and went to grab my sword and dagger. Both were looking pretty nasty, so I jammed them into the nearest monster’s body and then wiped the blood and gore off on its shirt.

With my blades put away, I took a moment to consider why a butcher would need to exist with a meat processing plant. Then I took another moment to consider why a meat processing plant would exist in a place that didn’t have a sustainable meat supply. Then I stopped caring and started walking, looking for the exit.

The building wasn’t overly large and the trail of bodies let me find the side I walked in from easily, so finding an exit on the back of the building was simple. A sigh came to my lips when I realized my only option was to go into the next building; both paths to my left and right were closed off yet again.

Then I took a closer look at the barricades and realized I could climb one of them. I poked my head into the next building and found that it was full of wood chippers. I sprinted for the barricade and started scaling it as quickly as I could.

As I climbed, I began to hear more rattling and then whispers from behind me. I knew looking back would be a bad idea, so I just kept fucking climbing. However, I couldn’t stop myself from looking back when I got to the top, right before I threw myself over the side. There were several chains floating out of the building I left behind, seemingly attached to things.

One of them suddenly pointed at me and then I heard what sounded like a child screaming. All of the chains started pointing at me and that’s when I jumped off the top, using my wings to float me down safely on the other side. The screeching stopped as soon as I touched down, but the rattling picked up and I heard something hitting the barricade. Needless to say, I fucking booked it, heading down the street and then taking the first turn I found that led deeper in.

That pathway was clear, so I sprinted down yet again, but I could still hear the rattling even when I got down to the far end of the street, where a building cut me off. There were no side exits, so I just went through the doorway, hoping I wouldn’t run into anything less dead than it should be.

Or worse, having something run into me.

The building I entered was full of pipes and the temperature within was nearly stifling. Several of the pipes were rusted through and large amounts of filthy water were pouring out. The entire place was steamier than Cadance’s sick fanfictions and I very dearly wanted to take off my heavy clothing. I powered through, knowing I’d need them once I left the place since all the sweat and the cool temperature would make me very cold very quickly.

If I had to guess, I’d say the building I was in had something to do with water filtration. The water got boiled to clean it, then sent to where it was needed. Though how there was any water left after so long, I had no clue. Once again, I blamed the ghosts.

I could probably also blame the ghosts for the pipe that burst right over me, shooting scathingly hot steam down at me. It hurt worse than fire and added to the large number of other serious injuries I had, but I kept going since I had a feeling that stopping at that juncture meant death or worse.

The water filtration place wasn’t very big, at least. When I got out of it, I took a moment to wipe away the water that was pooling where the steam hit me. My hand came away very bloody and that’s when I realized that steam will just absolutely ruin your day.

It didn’t help my mood that the screaming was starting again behind me, though the chains didn’t seem close enough for anything to see me. I took off sprinting again regardless, not wanting to be around when whatever it was got through the plant.

At this point, my internal map of the place was completely gone. There were large buildings leading up to the ceilings on all sides, several roads were blocked off, and I was just sprinting as quickly as I could to get away from whatever was chasing me. I started to hear some kind of chanting from behind me, intermixed with the chains, but I couldn’t make it out and was purposefully ignoring it.

After taking a few more streets, I was forced to enter another factory. The chains were getting closer, somehow catching up with me. As soon as I stepped into the next building, I immediately felt relief from the sweat and blood that was pouring down me. Hellishly loud turbines shot air all around me, presumably circulating the air within the bunker.

That was all well and good, but none of the turbines were covered. There were several dozen very large spinning fans of death all around the room, each pulling or pushing at me. The temptation was there to turn around and walk out so I didn’t get sucked up and chewed to bits, but the rattling was even louder, so I knew I had to push through.

My first few steps were slow and careful, as I was making sure I wouldn’t get pulled off my feet or something. After I realized that I’d be safe as long as nothing actually pushed me, I started walking at a more normal speed, watching out for anything that might want to push me.

The rattling and chanting got louder and I started to make out actual voices in the chanting, though I couldn’t tell what was being said. Each one sounded like the voice of a child. The chanting eerily stopped, but I didn’t have time to wonder why before the screeching started back up, sounding like it was coming from right behind me.

I fucking booked it, sprinting through the turbine factory. The rattling increased in volume until I had to turn around to look or risk getting hit by chains. I saw just one of the chains floating toward me, something nearly invisible at the end. “Run!” it pleaded, ghostly tears dripping from its face. “Run and hide!”

Despite its words, both of its arms were opening to try to grab me. I ripped my sword out of its sheath and sliced right through the ghost. It screamed, but continued reaching for me. I dodged to the side from its clutching grasp and tried cutting at the chain instead. The links cut and the entire chain broke all the way back. The screeching immediately stopped and the ghostly child disappeared.

I started running again as all the broken links got sucked up into the turbines, emitting an ungodly shrieking noise and the sound of rending metal. But even above that, I could hear the horrid wailings of whatever was holding the chains as it realized I freed one of its slaves.

The chase resumed, but it resumed with me out of the building since I found the exit. A ghostly child stood at one end of the new alleyway I found myself in, waving me toward him. The other side was empty. Needless to say, I sprinted to the empty side, not even considering listening to a ghost kid.

As soon as I got to the next crossing, I turned right and started running that way, casting the occasional glance back to check for chains. They were behind me as I was turning again, and that’s when I realized I turned right down into a dead end. The place was barricaded all the way to the ceiling and there were no doors leading anywhere. The rattling was picking up and I had a feeling that going back would end with me face-to-face with whatever was controlling them.

That’s when a small panel opened up in one of the walls and the ghost kid waved me toward him. After considering my options, I sighed, put my sword up, and ran over to the panel. It was really low, so I had to get on my hands and knees to enter. As soon as I got inside, he closed the panel again and disappeared, leaving me in another factory. “Some answers would have been nice,” I muttered darkly, taking off at a run again to look for exits.

That run quickly turned into a walk when I realized I was standing on a catwalk above an absolutely massive grinder. This thing made the ones in the meat processing plant look like wee little babies. Judging by the large amount of empty boxes all around, as well as all the trash, I figured I found my way to either the recycling area or the trash area. Either way, the thing was so large and powerful that I could actually feel a suction down there.

And I was over it.

On catwalks.

That were rusty and in some cases broken.

My ‘running’ turned into very meticulous and careful steps. I would have flown, but my wings had seen better days and I didn’t want to risk the suction since I was missing so many feathers. Thankfully, there were doors on all four sides, so getting out shouldn’t have been too difficult.

One of these days, I am going to remove the word ‘should’ from my vocabulary.

Several of the chains broke down a door on the far side of the building and then immediately started screeching. Seeing a chance to perhaps get rid of a few of the chains at the same time, I took a risk and started running to the center of the catwalks on the other side of where he was entering.

That risk almost didn’t pay off, given that one of my legs broke through the damn catwalk. Thankfully, it didn’t feel like any metal pierced my skin, but I immediately realized I was stuck. I set about getting free as more of the chains pushed inside the building.

They started screeching as soon as I pulled myself out of the trap. I considered ditching my plan, but decided that if I didn’t take the chance, I’d probably not get another. So I continued running to my target, which was a couch sitting on the edge of the catwalk right in front of an exit.

Three of the chains started surging straight toward me, which is what I was hoping they’d do. Whatever was guiding them seemed content to stay on the other side of the door, which I was very content with. As soon as the chains got very close to me, I kicked the couch off the side. As expected, they broke right through the cushions of the couch and continued flying toward me…

...Up until the weight of the couch dragged them down, into the grinder. All three chains followed the couch into that moving mass of death, getting torn to shreds and dragged further and further in. Of course, I turned to the door and sprinted through as soon as I saw the chains getting pulled in.

Upon looking both ways to decide where to go, I saw one of the kids at one end of the long stretch waving me toward him. Despite everything warning me that it was a stupid idea, I decided to run toward him, putting my fate into his ephemeral hands. As soon as I got to him, he pointed left, then disappeared. I shrugged and went left, honestly not caring that much anymore. If the little bastards wanted to thank me for freeing them, I was happy enough to take their help.

There was yet another one at the end of the long path I was on, once more waving me on. I picked up the pace to get to him before he could disappear, hoping the chain bastard behind me was still having trouble with the grinder. This one pointed me straight ahead, so I just continued running, drawing ragged breaths and wishing I could stop from all the pain that was burning across my body.

Unfortunately, stopping didn’t seem to be an option in my foreseeable future, because another of the kids was in front of me, pointing me to the right. I followed his finger and kept pushing forward. At the end of this stretch was no child, so I just kept going straight until I hit a blockage. By that point, the chains were once more rattling, so I figured entering another building to hopefully lose the bastard was in order.

The building I entered this time looked like a simple warehouse, thankfully. The urge to go slowly and not take chances was in my mind, but the need to get away from the chains overtook that very quickly. I was getting strange vibes from the place and that’s when I realized it reminded me a lot of the warehouse where Taya and I fought Miguel.

If that wasn’t a sign to get the hell out quickly, the sound of chains entering the building behind me was. I slowed down long enough to pull my sword out before speeding back up. It sounded like the mass of chains were in the building now and the remaining children were once again chanting. However, this time I heard an overtone of growling, something angry and evil accompanying them.

I was starting to think I made an enemy. That didn’t bother me, as long as I could get out of the bunker before he could do anything to me.

The chain I suddenly found wrapped around the collar on my neck proved that unlikely. It suddenly yanked back, tripping me up and almost making me lose my grip on the sword, but thankfully not choking me because of the collar I had on. Soon enough, it began reeling me backwards, pulling me to some uncertain fate even as I struggled to break free.

I. Will not. Die here! With that thought of defiance, I lifted my sword up and started randomly slicing around behind me, trying to hit the chain and break it. I heard the sound of the blade hitting the chain a few times, but I didn’t get a good enough hit in to actually break it.

That’s when I rolled over onto my stomach so I could get a better view at what was happening. With that view, I was able to start hitting the chain more effectively. It still took several hits to break, but I finally broke through it and immediately pushed myself up, sprinting the other way. The monster roared and the chains started rattling like crazy, seemingly shooting off in random directions.

One of those random directions happened to be directly at me, and I felt the ghostly grip of a crying child freeze my left arm all the way through, making it completely useless. The painful icy sensation started working its way through the rest of my body, numbing everything it hit. I yanked back from the kid and slammed my sword down on its chain, thankfully slicing through it in one hit. Once again, the rest of the chain shattered as the child was freed.

And once again, I fucking booked it, finally finding a door out of the building. Another child was standing on one end of the alley, waving at me. I awkwardly ran to him, my left arm flailing about because of the numbness. At that point, I was thankful the power and the lights came back on, because there was no way I could hold both the flashlight and my sword.

This child pointed me left, so that’s the way I went. However, there was no other child ahead of me. That’s when I realized how it worked: Save a child, get a single hint. From the rattling I could still hear behind me, it didn’t sound like there were too many children left. Maybe five, if I was lucky. I’d need to make the hints count.

...Assuming the kids were actually trying to help me.

The directions I got from the last kid led me straight to another building. When I stepped inside, I realized I was in a little bunkhouse, presumably for workers that needed to take a break or something. As soon as I entered, a vision I really didn’t have time for kicked in, showing Ava cowering in the corner, holding a battered kitchen knife. The sound of chains and crying from outside was very noticeable and Ava flinched every time one of them made an extra-loud sound.

The vision then ended, though the sound of the crying and rattling was still very much present and getting ever closer. As soon as I started moving again, the screeching picked back up. I’m making way too much fucking noise, Christ. So I fucking booked it, running to the far side of the building where a door was open.

Sprinting might not have been the best choice. Three chains burst into the room from all around me. One from behind, one from the door on my left, and one from the door I was running at. The two that weren’t in my way didn’t concern me that much, since the main threat was the one I was actually running at.

The ghost child seemed to be crying steam or something as he reached out at me for a hug. I dodged around his fumbling grasp and grabbed the chain with my left hand, which had thankfully regained feeling. That turned out to be a better idea than I was expecting, because it suddenly started pulling back out of the door very quickly, helping me get away from the others.

Right before it pulled me out of the building, I brought my sword down at the part in front of my grasp, shearing the chain and sending me flying through the door, unattached to anything. I caught myself with my wings and started sprinting toward the ghost child that was now waving at me.

When the slave master realized he had lost yet another of his pets, he roared in rage, making his remaining pets whimper and cry in fear. The one to which I was running flinched, but didn’t disappear until he pointed me off in the right direction. At that point, the chains went silent, and that’s when I knew I was probably in some real trouble.

The very loud sound of stomping confirmed that newfound knowledge. I heard what sounded like a whip being cracked and jumped to the right just in time for a chain to slam into the ground next to where I had been standing, completely silently. When it whipped back, I saw that it had actually left an indentation into the ground, not that I was spending much time paying attention to it; I was a little busy ducking into the nearest open door I saw.

That almost turned out to be a big mistake, since I was once again on a large set of catwalks. This time, however, the catwalks were suspended over massive vats of chemicals of some kind. The mistake came from slamming into the railing as soon as I ran in and almost falling over.

I recovered by spreading my wings and taking off, flying over the suctionless vats. The chain bastard was hopefully stuck to moving around the catwalk.

I learned that hope is a bad thing when a chain wrapped around one of my legs and started pulling me back. However, I wasn’t going to go without a fight, putting as much strength into flapping my fucked up wings as I could. The tentacle-chain monster didn’t much care for that, and started whipping the chain I was trapped on up and down, possibly trying to throw me into one of the large vats.

That would end very poorly for me, so I very much wanted to avoid it. On one of the upswings, I stopped flapping my wings and just rode the motions of the chain as it flung me up, then did a backflip of sorts so I was upside down, facing the chain. My sword flicked out and sliced the fucker in half, making it lose its grip on me.

At that point, I was falling head-first directly toward one of the large vats of some kind of bubbling liquid. My wings shot out and I pulled out of the dive, soaring right to one of the doors. I folded my wings before I got to it and hit the ground at a dead run, sprinting toward the child whose chain I just severed.

The little bastard disappeared after pointing me in the right direction, as they always seemed to do. Don’t they think I wouldn’t mind a little company? Ungrateful bastards. Either way, I ran off yet again, hoping to put more distance between me and whatever was holding the chains. I realized at that point that I still hadn’t even seen the damn thing, and resolved at that point to keep it that way, if possible.

It didn’t want to make that possible, it seemed, for I heard the whip sound again and dodged to the left. The chain left yet another indentation, but instead of sliding back toward the guy, the thing shot at me and tripped me, making me lose my grip on my sword.

When I realized what happened, I scrambled toward it on all fours, grabbing it as soon as it was within reach. That turned out to be just in time, as one of the ghost kids grabbed me around the middle, sobbing in anguish as he tortured me with his icy death-grasp. I screamed in pain and shock, then rolled to try to get the fucker to let me go. It didn’t work, but I did get inside a doorway, cutting line-of-sight off the owner of the chains.

As soon as that happened, the ghost flinched away from me and let me slice its chain, freeing him and leaving me numb from the waist down. That still left my upper body and wings to fly off, though. Getting into the air was normally hard without being able to jump or run, and doubly so when my wings were fucked, but the stomps were getting louder and I refused to get caught on the ground by whatever it was.

So I took off and got my first real look of the facility I found myself in. My first guess was some kind of metal processing place, since there were several pots of what looked like lava being carried around the building by a conveyor belt that was raised well off the ground. I flew toward what looked like a good hiding spot, hoping I could stay hidden until my legs were good to move again.

That hiding spot happened to be next to where the conveyor belt was constantly passing by with loads of boiling hot metal. The heat felt like it was making me blister, but I could hear the monster entering the building and I knew that moving again would be suicide.

So I tried to control my breathing as I cowered in silence, listening to his stomping footsteps all around me. As I waited, the ghost child that I just saved appeared in front of me. He put a finger to his lips and then peeked over the side, looking around. One of his hands casually brushed against my legs, making them both flinch as they woke up, but he waved me down.

After about thirty seconds of the monster stomping around and getting increasingly louder, the boy looked at me and then pointed to one of the metal buckets, then pantomimed pushing. My eyebrows shot up and I frantically shook my head no. He nodded his head yes and faked pushing one again.

My shoulders sagged and I stood up as quietly as I could, moving toward the conveyor belt. He held up a hand and peeked over the side, then started counting down with his fingers. My nerves grew and grew as the count got shorter until I was shaking like crazy.

When his outstretched hand became a fist, I body-slammed one of the heavy and insanely hot bowls of molten metal, knocking it off the belt. Before I could travel too far on the conveyor belt, I jumped back into my hiding spot and waited.

The wait was over before I even realized it started, since the roaring became so loud so quickly that it passed beyond the spectrum of human hearing. All I could do was feel the sound waves reverberating through the air and the facility, shaking the entire building. When the vibrations stopped, the boy pointed to my sword and then pointed over the side. I sighed and hopped off, raising my weapon to defend myself instantly.

As it turned out, there was no need to; all that was left of the guy holding the chains was a nondescript slag-heap of quickly cooling metal. However, all three of the remaining children were still attached to that heap by their chains. I took a deep breath and then cut the chains holding them hostage.

As soon as the last one broke, the metal form of the monster next to me imploded. I didn’t give any kind of fucks what that meant, since I was in far, far too much pain. I grabbed the nearest metal pipe to use as a walking stick and limped my way out of the building.

As soon as I got out, another vision hit me, the sound of crying coming right back to me. Tears sprang to my eyes as I hobbled away from the cursed factory district, down a lane that was sprinkled with blood and lit by fire and rapidly cooling metal. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered over and over as I walked, the tears flowing freely from my face. “I couldn’t save you… So sorry, so sorry…”

The vision ended when one of the ghost children appeared before me, holding out a hand. I ignored him and hobbled along, too tired and in too much pain to even care. He grabbed me by the arm anyway. And then another appeared and grabbed me by the other arm. Then the rest of the children I cut free from the monster appeared as well, each taking hold of me.

They slowly and gently picked me off my feet and started carrying me, taking me away from the destroyed factory district. I was in no position to fight back, so I really hoped none of them had plans to hurt me.

Thankfully, it seemed that they were more of the exceedingly rare good ghosts, and carried me over to a very long ladder at the far end of the factory area. I had only been carried for about five minutes, which didn’t feel like anywhere near the amount of time I needed to recover from all the shit I had been through.

They set me down on my feet at the base of the ladder and each pointed up. My wings sagged and I put the sword up, then dropped the metal walking stick. With that, I unceremoniously began to climb as all the children below me faded away.

My body was broken and battered. My mind was jumpy and weak. Climbing that ladder felt like it took as long as ‘just five more minutes’ when you accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hit snooze.

When I finally, finally got to the top, I found myself in yet another dark hallway. I sighed and pulled the flashlight out, clicking it on. Then I started walking—or hobbling, if I’m honest.

It didn’t take me long to get to the end. And by the end, I meant The End: There was nothing fucking there. Not only was it a dead end, but it was a dead end with a skeleton sitting there. I collapsed right next to the skeleton, and honestly started crying in a mix of helplessness, pain, and just plain giving up.

Before I closed my eyes for a very long time, another vision hit me. “Artyom, you promised…” I whispered. “Please, open the door! Please, come back to me!” The vision ended and that’s when I realized I was sitting at the door Artyom had been trying to open.

I closed my eyes.

I blinked in and out of consciousness several times over the next few minutes. Flashes of my friends, crew, and Taya came to my eyes, though none of them seemed to make any sense. I figured it was probably my life flashing before my eyes, since not even I can take so much damage and come out of it completely on top.

Then I opened my eyes, a breath of fresh air coming to my nose. Not stale air that felt like it had been in a bunker for millions of years, but clean air, air from outside.

I flinched and looked around, then realized something was lying on top of me. I almost freaked out when I realized that something was soft and furry and also my daughter.

“Nav?” a familiar voice asked.

“...Spike?” I hoarsely whispered, my throat for some reason feeling horribly parched.

“You’re back!” he shouted, ripping me out of bed and into a hug. That, of course, woke Taya up, who immediately joined in on the hugging when she realized what happened.

“What do you mean, back?” I asked, accepting the hugs since my entire body felt like it was bandaged.

“When we found you, you were completely crazy!” Spike said, pulling away from me. Taya was still too busy hugging me to say anything, so she didn’t add her two cents. “We tried everything to bring you back, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, Zecora got together with that weird bird lady and they did something to you and it worked!”

“...What the hell even happened?” I asked.

“We were kinda hoping to ask you,” he said, rubbing at his neck.

“Humor me,” I answered. “I’m in enough pain that I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. So by all means, what the hell happened?”

He grinned and sat down at the foot of my bed, and then began to talk.

Chapter One Hundred and Twelve—Through the Eyes of a Dragon

Chapter One Hundred and Twelve—Through the Eyes of a Dragon

When you left to go underground, I went to all the troops that were inside and told them you were heading below. That didn’t take long and most of them didn’t really seem to care, but the naga narrowed his eyes and said he should have went with you.

As soon as I told the last pony, I walked back over to the entrance to the mine and just waited, listening. I told you I was going to listen for you at the entrance, and I meant it. Not too long later, I heard something breaking several hundred meters in, then the sound of shouting.

Without even pausing to alert the others, I started running through the mine, following the echoes and the shouting. The mine wasn’t very deep, so it didn’t take me long to get to the end. “What happened?” I shouted, looking everywhere for you. The mean pegasus and several miners were there, but I didn’t see you anywhere…

“The floor collapsed under her,” Crabapple said, tapping a large metal door. “And then this slammed closed.”

“Then open it!” I told her. “We have to save her!”

“If we could open it, I already would have, dragon,” she said, glaring at me. “Navarone opened it herself. She said she had the magic touch, whatever that meant.”

“But… Nav doesn’t have any magic.”

“Then I suppose we’ll have to wait for a unicorn to open it, now won’t we?” she asked, turning around and starting to walk off. “Start digging around it. Maybe we can still salvage this operation.”

“What about Nav?” I demanded.

“Her safety is her concern, not mine,” Crabby said, not even turning.

I felt my face becoming hot and my eyes narrowed. She was walking away, though, so she didn’t see it. Since that wasn’t doing me any good and it was making some of the miners look away in fear, I turned back to the door, thinking about what you would do in that situation. I know you wouldn’t leave anypony behind, and I wasn’t about to let you go without a fight.

There weren’t any obvious places on the door where I could get a grip on it, so I started shooting fire at it, hoping I could melt it. “We tried that,” one of the miners told me. “Tried fire, tried ice, tried lightning, tried teleporting to the other side… Only your cute boss could open it. She just put one of her paws on that little pad there on the side.”

“...This?” I asked, walking up to the hand-shaped pad on the wall.

“Yeah, that thing,” he said, nodding. “Pulled her glove off and touched that. Then the door opens and something exploded and pulled a lot of air in.”

“...Wonder how I didn’t notice that.” I put my claws against the pad, tensing for an explosion. Nothing happened. “How did you open this thing?” I muttered, trying my other claws. “Do you know how deep it goes?” I asked, turning back to the miners.

They all shrugged and one said, “Probably pretty deep. But we have to keep digging. We can’t upset Miss Crabby. Can’t you just get somepony to teleport her out?”

“But what if she’s hurt? I need to help her!”

“Don’t know what to tell you,” the miner sighed, shaking his head. “We tried a lot of things to open that door. Good luck. Come on, guys. Let’s get back to work.” The miners all shrugged and went back into the hall they had dug. The sound of digging and working soon resumed while I tried everything I could think of to open the door.

My claws did no damage to it, there were no hinges to attack, my fire did nothing to it, and punching it didn’t work. I was about to start body slamming it when I heard shouting coming from back up the tunnel. As much as I needed to help you, I did promise you I’d help defend the mine, and those shouts sounded urgent.

So I sighed and whispered, “I’ll be back, I promise.” Then I started running back to the surface, wondering what all that noise was. As soon as I got there, I saw the naga, his large sword raised. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“Where’s the human?” he asked me, looking back down the mine. “There are monsters coming.”

“Nav’s… She fell down a shaft and nopony can get to her,” I told him.

His eyes narrowed and he growled, “What? Fly down to her!”

“There’s a door blocking her off. We couldn’t open it, no matter what we did. We’ll have to get somepony to teleport her out.”

“That is… troubling. I believe we’ll need her enchanted blade.”

“Why? They’re just monsters, right? I mean, we have plenty of trained soldiers and you…”

“These are undead, dragon,” he hissed. “And I cannot fight in the cold. Go join the others outside. I will guard the door.”

“...What’s fighting undead like?” I hesitantly asked.

“I will let you know as soon as any get inside. Now go! And don’t forget your damn sword.”

I gulped and nodded, running over to where I left my sword and shield. Using them felt weird after all of Kumani’s lessons, but they were a gift from you and… Well, using them may have felt weird, but it also felt right. With both of them on me, I ran over to the heavy doors leading outside and forced them open, joining the other guards on our makeshift snowy battlements.

“‘Bout time you showed up,” one of the stallions said. “Where’s the boss?”

“Nav fell down a mine shaft and we can’t get to her,” I told him. Everypony’s heads shot straight toward me when I said that, shock in their eyes.

“What do you mean, can’t get to him?” one asked. “You have wings!”

“The shaft is blocked by a heavy door. Believe me, I tried everything I could. We’ll have to wait for a unicorn. Twilight’ll know what to do, I bet.” Some of them sighed and looked out at the approaching fiends. They were moving slowly and I could barely even see them. Normally, everypony always glows in the dark when I look at them, but these things… didn’t. I could only tell they were there by some movement I could barely see. “So… how do we fight these?” I asked.

“With magic,” one guard sighed.

“But none of us are unicorns,” I slowly said.

“If they don’t have arms, they can’t fight,” one of the guards said, taking command. “And if they don’t have legs, they can’t walk. Can’t fight, can’t walk, they aren’t threats. So break arms, break legs, then move on. There are only a few dozen and they’re scattered, so they shouldn’t be that much of a problem. These look like common shamblers, so there’s no chance of disease or any overly dangerous attacks. Just hold your ground. Squad two, head to the back, make sure nothing’s coming from behind us. Report back when you check it out.” The two guards nodded and started running around to the back of the base. “Spike, vanguard. Nothing can get through your scales, so front and center.”

“Are you… sure?” I asked, moving to the center of the group.

“Yes. Mostly pony undead, a few diamond dogs. Single minotaur. None have weapons. You’ll be fine, and we’ll be backing you up. Is this your first fight?”

“...My first big fight, I guess.”

“Deep breaths, then. You are surrounded by the most well-trained guards in Equestria. Most of us have fought undead before. Follow your orders, stand in the center, attack legs, and you’ll be fine.”

“Right.”

“Say it, Spike.”

I took a deep breath and slowly said, “Follow your orders, stand in the center, attack legs, and I’ll be fine…”

The two scouts came running back around. “Clear on this side,” one of them reported.

“Excellent. Looks like the first one will get here in about half a minute. Take up positions on the battlements, Spike in the middle! They get to the edge, break their legs as they try to get over the wall. Spike, you cut whatever you can off them. I know you’re a dragon, but resist the urge to bite, or you’re going to have a bad, bad day.”

“...Right.” I really wanted to ask why I shouldn’t bite, but the first undead was right in front of me, now. Before I struck my sword down on top of its head, I couldn’t help but take a moment to study the broken pony. Glassy blue eyes stared back at me with a hollow expression fixed in pain. Her teeth were yellowed and broken, perfect for biting. Most of her flesh had rotted off, leaving a few scraps of furless skin hanging onto her skeletal frame.

I… hesitated, a mix of fear and revulsion stopping me. But then I remembered what the guard told me. Follow orders, stand in center, attack legs, I’ll be fine. Then I remembered what you and the naga taught me, all the training we did. It all kicked in and… my sword came down, slicing through her front legs as she struggled to get up onto our low wall.

She groaned and slid back off the wall, her legs remaining stuck onto the wall… before they started moving. I shouted and jumped back, surprised by that. “Get back in line!” the guard yelled. “They’re hooves, not claws! Harmless! Push ‘em off and keep going!”

After taking several deep breaths, I stepped back up and used my shield to awkwardly push them off, not wanting to touch them. Both flopped around on the ground next to their owner, but I couldn’t keep watching them because a skeleton stepped in front of me, trying to climb the wall.

That one looked a little bit more flimsy, so I remembered your training and waited for him to get up onto the wall, then slammed my shield into him, breaking him into several pieces and sending each one over the wall.

“There you go!” the guard said, taking a second to break the paw of a diamond dog trying to get over next to him. “Nothing to it.”

It really… didn’t seem so bad. The manticore we killed together had more blood, and that wasn’t so bad. These undead were weird, but dealing with them was easy. Just cut, push, and wait for the next one. After about half an hour, forty or so undead were squirming around in front of our base, moaning and groaning in imaginary pain.

“So now what?” I asked, looking over the side.

“Five bits says dragon fire can kill them,” one of the guards said.

“Let’s find out,” the guy in charge replied. “Spike, light them up, would you?”

“Won’t that really stink?” I asked, not really wanting to smell that. As it was, the undead didn’t really have any kind of smell. It was weird, since they were mostly rotting bodies, but I guess since it was so cold, they weren’t rotting that quickly.

“It’s better than having to babysit them out in this cold,” the commander said. “Just burn them.”

“Alright, I guess,” I said, shrugging. I walked over to the side and stuck my head over, then shot down flames. The undead began cooking and melting. After a few seconds, I heard a popping sound, followed by several more, and stopped. “What was that?” I asked.

“Their skulls popping,” the commander said, waving his hoof in front of his nose to try to block the smell that started seeping up. “Keep hitting them. Looks like some of them stopped moving, so I think it’s working.”

“Really?” I poked my head over the side to see several of them no longer moving. “Cool!”

“...Sure. Just keep burning them so we can go inside.”

“Alright.” More flames shot down at them until none of the undead were moving anymore. The front of our wall was scorched and there was a deep hole in front of us, but that didn’t really matter. “So now what?” I asked when they were done.

“We go back inside so we don’t have to smell this,” the commander said, walking back to the door and letting himself inside. The other ponies aside from those on duty followed him. I shrugged and joined them inside. The commander was waiting for me inside and while I closed the door, he asked, “So what happened to Navarone?”

“I, too, am interested,” the naga said, slithering up to us.

The mean lady in charge of the mine joined us and said, “I am more interested in the undead. Are they dead, and are there more?”

“Yes and maybe,” the commander said. “Now, Navarone?”

“I asked her to investigate something we found,” Crabapple said. “It was a door. She was able to open it somehow. The room inside was small. After a few minutes of looking around, the floor underneath her broke. Before we could get to her, the doors slammed shut.”

“And the doors can’t be opened?” the commander asked.

“Correct. We could not open them and this dragon couldn’t, either.”

He nodded and looked aside. “Squad three, get down to the tunnels. Watch the door, see if it opens. Report to me immediately if it does.”

“Yes sir,” they both said, nodding. Then they started trotting off into the mine.

“We’ll wait for the ship to get back to get to Navarone, then,” he said, shrugging. “I have a feeling there ain’t nothing in this world that’s dangerous to that human. Nav’ll be fine.”

“It is my duty to protect her,” the naga rumbled, looking over toward the mine. “I do not like this.”

“You’re welcome to go check the door out,” the commander said, nodding to the tunnels.

“Very well, though I can’t stay long. I do not like the cold.”

He started slithering off and I began following him, hoping I could figure something out. The commander stopped me before I could move far, though. “Not you, Spike,” he said. “Head outside and help keep watch. I want to know those things are coming before they’re five minutes away and dragon eyes are supposed to be good.”

“I… couldn’t really see them very well,” I admitted, scratching at the back of my head. “Normally, everypony I look at glows in the dark. Those didn’t, somehow.”

“Interesting. I’d still rather have you out there, since you can’t get cold. So just keep the two on watch company.”

I sighed and nodded. “Alright, I guess…” He nodded and I went back outside. The two guards out there were grateful to have me, since I’m apparently so much warmer than they are. It was nice to have the mare snuggled up against me, but… Well, I’d prefer someone else with me instead.

The ship got back several hours and shift changes later. I really wanted to fly up to meet them and tell them what happened to you, but the mare pressed against my side made me stay back. She seemed awfully content with me next to her, for some reason.

A minute or two after the ship stopped above us, one of the guards opened the door and said, “Spike, get in here. And Rose, don’t even think about it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the mare sharply said, taking a step away from me. I blinked a few times before shrugging and going inside. The stallion shook his head and pulled the door closed behind me.

Twilight and Watcher were standing with the naga and Crabby. “So Nav fell down a shaft hidden by a door only she could open,” Watcher slowly said, looking at the mean old mare.

“That is correct. What are you going to do about the undead?”

“They were taken care of easily, but if they attack again, the same might not be true. I will take command here until Navarone can be retrieved. We broke one of the elementals out today, so our job should be finished soon.”

“But how are we going to get Nav?” I asked. “Did you try teleporting her?”

“I did,” Twilight said, nodding. “But it’s like something is blocking me. Or… well, we thought Nav was dead once. As much as I hate to say it, he could well be dead.”

I shook my head. “She’s not dead. I know she’s not. Don’t you think Celestia could help us?”

Twilight nodded. “I was going to write up a letter for her soon. I’ll need you to send it, of course. And somepony will need to tell Taya.”

“I will leave that to her teacher,” Watcher said. “I certainly wouldn’t want to tell her any bad news.”

Twilight sighed and hung her head, but nodded. “Alright, I’ll tell her. We’ll also need to tell Ice and Aerie. Maybe they can help us get the door open or something.”

“How’re we gonna get Ice down here?” I asked. “Can we… teleport him?”

“Aqua says he can survive a few minutes in the cold. Long enough to get him down here.”

“Then go write the letter and tell them,” Watcher said. “Oh, and you should probably also tell Nav’s dragon.”

“Tell me what?” I asked.

Everypony looked at me with a strange look in their eyes before Watcher slowly said, “I meant Kumani.” A blush came to my face, but no one mentioned it.

Twilight just nodded and said, “I’ll be down in a few minutes, then.” She teleported away, leaving me with the others.

“Spike, your fire was able to kill the undead?” Watcher asked.

“Yeah. Oh, I forgot about that! Wait ‘til Twilight hears, she’ll be so proud!”

“I rather doubt that,” Watcher dryly answered. “Now come with me. We need to set up wards around the perimeter to detect any undead.”

“Why do I have to go?”

“Because it’s cold and you’re warm. Crabapple, do you have any complaints of sickness from your miners?”

“Nothing but the normal illnesses you find in cold places or mines. My physician has reported nothing abnormal.”

“Check with him again. Tell him to keep an eye out for ponies coughing up black phlegm, having nightmares or abnormally bloodshot eyes, or randomly fainting. Let me know immediately if he reports them.”

“Very well. Go set your wards, commander. I will see to my miners.”

“Come on, Spike,” he said, walking off to the door. Since there wasn’t really any other option, I followed him. As soon as he got the door shut, he hopped off the side of the wall. Once again, I followed. “Now, I need to ask you something. Do you smell anything weird in the mine?”

“What do you mean? A bunch of sweaty stallions live there and most of them don’t shower enough. It always smells weird.”

“Not that, Spike. Do you smell anything that shouldn’t belong? Anything rotten?”

“Aside from the undead today, no. Why?”

“Dragons have stronger senses and would pick it up before we would. If there’s a necromancer out there, one that’s still active, he could be slowly infecting the crew and the miners. If that is the case, I need to know immediately. I was told the undead you faced today were the weaker kinds, which means they weren’t carrying infections, but where there are weak undead, there are strong undead. And that usually means a necromancer, unless it was already killed or left the area.”

“If there is one, what do we do?”

“Leave and not look back. Inform Princess Celestia so she can send a proper battle group to kill it. Although if we can save Nav and get his ring and sword, we can probably kill it, assuming we can track it. I doubt there is one, though.”

“Why?”

“No victims. Most necromancers want to practice their craft. Not many things come down here. And if there are living penguins, there’s a good chance the necromancer cleared out. Otherwise, there would be undead penguins.”

“Why would somepony want to hurt penguins?”

Watcher sighed and looked at me. “Spike, stop saying words like somepony. It’s bad enough those terms exist in the first place. A dragon using them? Just stop.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

He rolled his eyes and began to explain how it was racist or silly or something. I wasn’t really paying attention, thinking about something he said.

“Wait, what do you mean if we save Nav?” I broke in.

“Spike, there’s a very good chance that Navarone is dead. I and everyone else in the crew very much hope not, but it’s a real possibility that you need to be prepared to deal with. If we can’t get that door open and not even Celestia can teleport him out or even tell if he’s alive, we’re going to have to move on.”

“I know she’s alive, though!”

“And why do you keep calling him a her? You know he hates that.”

“...I got used to it while we were with the monkeys, and he hasn’t asked me to stop.”

“Your funeral. And you need to learn that your gut feeling isn’t always right, Spike. Sometimes, it’s even the opposite of what you think it is. Nav’s tough and he’s survived some stuff I didn’t think was even possible, but he isn’t invincible.”

“Well, none of that will matter, because I’m sure the princess will be able to help her. I bet Twilight has that letter ready, too.”

“We still have wards to place,” Watcher said. He had already placed a few, I think. Or at least, I got the weird feeling under my scales I always get when unicorns use magic around me. “Fighting the undead didn’t bother you, did it?”

“Well… some of them looked really creepy. It felt weird to be killing something pony-shaped. But Nav told me something once. ‘If it attacks you, it loses its right to sapience’. I’m not really sure what that means, but I think it fits here. And besides, they were already dead, right? I was just helping make sure they didn’t hurt anypony.”

“Just remember that you were fighting the weakest of the undead. When we get attacked tomorrow, expect to see stronger ones.”

“What makes you think we’ll be attacked tomorrow?”

“That’s how the undead and necromancers usually work. Small groups of weak undead like these travel around, scouting. If they find something living, they attack it. When they get killed, their deaths alert the necromancer that something living is nearby. He then sends attacks toward them to see how they react. And if there isn’t a necromancer, the other undead will sense that fighting occurred nearby and start moving toward us. The more of them we destroy, the stronger the sense will become, pulling them from further and further until all the undead are killed, the living leave the area, or the undead win.”

“That doesn’t sound very fun,” I slowly said.

“There’s a reason necromancy is banned.”

We didn’t talk much anymore, until the last ward was placed. When it was and we started going back, I asked, “So what if there’s not a necromancer?”

“Our job ends when the contract ends. We’ll continue defending the mine until we can leave. At that point, it will no longer be our problem.”

“But won’t the miners be in danger?”

“Not if Crabapple hires guards. And if they do end up in trouble, it won’t be our problem. There’s something you need to get into your head, Spike: We aren’t heroes. We aren’t the good guys. We also aren’t the bad guys. We have a goal and we’re going to accomplish that goal. Once our contract is done, Crabapple and her miners will no longer be our problem and neither I nor Nav will care about them or what happens to them.”

“That’s not true!”

“If thinking that makes you feel better, feel free. But if you hold Nav on that high of a pedestal, don’t come crying to me when something finally knocks him off of it.”

I don’t know what his problem is. You really need to talk to him, Nav. And what does putting somepony on a pedestal mean?

Anyway, we got back to the mine at that point and I didn’t feel like talking to him anymore, so I just went back in. He stayed out to talk to his sentries, I guess. As soon as I stepped inside, Twilight thrust a piece of paper at me.

“Send this to the princess, Spike,” she told me.

Before I could stop myself, I looked around to ask you for permission, but then I remembered that… Well, I shrugged and sent the letter away. “When do you think she’ll come here?” I asked.

“Princess Celestia is very busy and I’m not certain what time it is in Equestria right now,” Twilight said. “If she needs to come by personally, she’ll get here as soon as she can. Until then, all we can do is wait.”

“Shouldn’t we try to open the door, though?”

“Ice, Aerie, Kumani, and Taya are all trying to figure it out right now,” she said, nodding. “I was planning on joining them after I got that letter sent.”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

“Not so fast,” she quickly said before I could start walking to the mine. “Spike, Watcher needs you up here. I know you want to help, but you need to stay up here for now. And I know you had a busy day, so you need to get some rest.”

“But what about Nav? What if I can help?”

“You already tried, Spike. And you can help more by being ready to… to fight, as much as I hate to think about it. If we have to leave the mine behind, we can’t help Nav at all. You need to be ready to help Watcher defend us. That’s the best way you can help Nav right now.”

As much as I wanted to go and try to help you… I knew she was right. I hated it, but Watcher needed me more. My shoulders sagged and I sighed. “Alright. But tell me if anything happens! I want to help her.”

“We will,” she said. “I’ll see you later, Spike. I have a strange door to study!” She sounded way too excited by that, which is when I remembered that she was getting to study some abandoned ruins while also helping a friend.

Since there wasn’t really anything else for me to do, I just walked over to my bunk, next to yours. Despite all I had done that day, I didn’t really feel tired. My eyes kept drifting open and I found myself staring at your empty bunk.

That was a long night…

I broke in at that point. “As… interesting,” and kinda creepy, “as it is to hear everything that happened, can you stick to the important parts?” I asked, rubbing Taya’s back gently. It sounded like she had fallen back asleep at some point.

“Oh yeah, sure. I mean, you did ask what happened…”

“I meant a more general overview. By all means, keep going, but stick to the important parts.”

“Okay, I guess…”

Twilight and most of the others went back on the ship the next day, heading on to the next elemental. Taya stayed behind, refusing to leave. Watcher wanted her with us anyway, to help us fight if we had to. We also kept one of the other unicorns from Watcher’s group.

With three unicorns to work with, Watcher was able to keep up a spell around the mining base that kept the temperatures outside not too unbearable, not that I really minded either way. The cold was fine for me, though I did prefer the warm.

...Some of the mares still stood next to me while we watched out for anything.

Not too long after lunch, Watcher’s head jerked up from whatever he had been reading. “We got company,” he loudly said, hopping up. All his guards joined him as he started walking to the door. Taya and I shared a look, since we didn’t know what we were supposed to do. She shrugged and started following as well. Since everypony else was doing it, I grabbed my sword and shield and joined them. The naga grunted as he was left behind, though he pulled out his sword just in case.

Right before Watcher got to the door, it slid open, one of the sentries looking in. “Undead, sir,” he said.

“We know. Numbers? Types?”

“A little over sixty. Got fliers and a few tools, but no sappers.”

“Easy enough.” The sentry stepped back, allowing us to get outside. We all did so, and I closed the door since I was the last out. “We’ll let them get close. I’ll deal with the fliers. Spike, middle. Taya, far right. Black, far left.” Taya and the guard unicorn went to either side and Watcher stood next to me at the center. “My wards aren’t picking them up anywhere around us, but check out our sides, Nightshade.”

She spread her wings and jumped up without saying a word, flying around the building while the small horde grew closer. After a few trips, she landed back in her spot on the line. “Clear. Just one group.”

“Taya, fire works well. Don’t bother with lightning or ice. And don’t do a thing until I tell you.”

“Alright.”

I pulled my sword out and shifted my shield somewhat nervously, seeing some of the undead spread their decayed wings and jump into the air, actually managing to fly. Some of the diamond dogs in the group had weapons. Most were rusty and notched, but that doesn’t mean they can’t cut. My scales kept me safe from regular undead, but ones with weapons…?

“You’ll be fine,” Watcher quietly said. “Just stand in the middle and let them come toward you. Take out what the unicorns miss. Either use fire or the sword. We’ll clean them up either way.”

“Right. Just stand here… and wait.”

“But not for long,” Watcher said, suddenly grinning. I felt the light itching under my scales and then some of the monsters flying at me burst into flames from the inside, falling to the ground. They hit right in front of the wall we were on, knocking some snow onto us. It slid right off when it hit me, but the others weren’t so lucky.

“Thanks for that, sir,” one of the guards muttered, wiping the stuff from his face.

“If you’d prefer, I can let them get to us next time,” Watcher replied.

“Nav’s bad habits are rubbing off on you, sir.”

“Nah, he’s just reminding me what it’s like to be young. Not too much wrong with that, is there?” The guard snorted, but didn’t reply. He also didn’t really have time to, since the walking dead were really close to us. “Taya, Black, light them on fire!”

The enemies weren’t organized or in any kind of line, so the fire from both sides of our line wasn’t too effective. If we had more unicorns and Watcher had them start sooner, I doubt any of the undead would have made it to us.

But we didn’t and they did, so I lifted my shield to block a rusty pickaxe being wielded by a mangy undead dog. The force it used to swing the pick at me was enough to shatter the rusty weapon when it hit my shield. All the training I did kicked in and I pushed back with my shield, then slammed my sword down into his skull.

Since that didn’t kill it, I kicked it away from me and breathed fire down at it. That kept the ugly thing down. However, he was replaced by an undead pony trying to crawl over the edge. I sliced off its front legs and pushed it back over, leaving it to harmlessly shift around in front of the wall.

After about half an hour, the small area in front of our wall was full of undead like that, just writhing around with either missing limbs or broken limbs. Taya and the guard unicorn started burning them when it was clear that the main threat was over.

“So why are these things so dangerous again?” I asked, using snow to clean my sword. “They haven’t even hurt anypony yet!”

“Because this is just the beginning,” Watcher said. “Back when necromancy used to be more popular, there would be hordes that would fill the horizon, they were so large, full of different kinds of undead. Some that exploded, some that flew, some that could use some weak magic, some that could use tools. Plenty of other types. And there were thousands of them. These small numbers here aren’t that bad, especially since they’re going up against trained soldiers. But remember that we are in the middle of nowhere. All the bodies this necromancer got had to be stolen or bought, unless there were more expeditions down here than I thought. I don’t really expect the numbers to pick up that much, but I do expect to start seeing more types.”

“Well, if there aren’t more numbers, does that mean they won’t really be that dangerous?” I asked. “I mean, these were really, really easy.”

“Wait until you see a group of fliers, each carrying a sapper, and then tell me they’re easy. They could destroy this wall and half the base with no problems. When the ship gets back, I’ll be taking Gilda and Kumani on a scouting trip.”

“Why can’t I go?”

“Because someone needs to stay here to help defend, and I don’t trust Kumani to follow orders. Nav trusts you and I’m starting to trust you. Besides, if we got a reply from the princess while we’re flying, you’d probably torch me.”

“Heh, yeah… Why do you think she hasn’t responded yet, though?”

“Could be busy. Could be interference with the communication. She could have gotten the message while she was asleep and not noticed it yet. What’s most likely is that she’s doing research and doesn’t want to get back to us until she has a solution. Twilight did tell her that there are undead down here, right?”

I shrugged and replied, “Dunno. She seemed pretty excited about that door. She might have forgot.”

“Then let’s go write a letter. It’s a different time, so if she was just asleep before, she might notice it now.”

“Anything that helps Nav is good in my book,” I answered with a nod.

He looked around the battlements to his group. “Regular sentries, back to your duties. Everyone else, get back inside as soon as those bodies are burned.”

There were a few salutes, but most of the guards were too cold to really care all that much. Watcher and I just went on ahead back inside, with him seeming to slump slightly when we left the cold air behind. “Are you sure you should be out in that?” I gently asked.

“I shouldn’t. Nothing should, aside from you dragons.” He started walking over to your bunk. “I left all my paper on the boat, but Nav keeps plenty of it around. I always see him writing something…” He started using magic to poke through some of the bags around and on your bunk.

“Should you really just… you know, take stuff?” I nervously asked.

“Here, let me just ask Nav. You mind if I borrow some paper, sir? What’s that? You’re too busy needing to be saved by the person I’m writing a letter to? Guess that means you don’t mind.” After a few more seconds of searching, he found some blank paper and one of those neat pens you invented. “Here we are.” He clicked the top and started writing with magic. It took him nearly a minute to write the entire thing. When he finished, he folded it up and passed it to me, dropping the pen back in your bag. “Send this to Celestia.”

“Alright.” I took the letter he was holding up for me and lit it on fire, sending it to the princess. “Now what?”

“Now I go get under some blankets. If she responds, let me know.” With that, he walked off to the bunk he claimed. I started to turn to sit on mine, but I stopped when I saw something sticking out of the bag he pulled the paper from. Since I knew you wouldn’t want anypony to possibly find something they shouldn’t, I took it upon myself to examine the paper more closely.

It was something written in your neat handwriting. Pages and pages and pages… When I realized what it was, I immediately… Ahem, I immediately put it back, not even considering taking a look at your personal thoughts and opinions. I would never betray your trust like that, Nav.

…

Several hours later after I sat around and did absolutely nothing I shouldn’t have, Watcher unexpectedly put his hoof on my shoulder. “Put those papers down and get outside,” he told me.

“What’s going on?”

“Your turn on the watch and there’s a single undead coming. Take it out so I don’t have to send a unicorn.”

“Just one?”

“Yeah. Sometimes they travel alone like this. It’s just a common walker, according to the wards.”

“Alright, I guess.” I grabbed my sword and shield again and made my way to the door. When I got out, I saw that the sentries already waiting were staring at the slowly approaching undead.

“Hey Spike, wanna have some fun?” one of the sentries asked when I got outside.

“...What kind of fun?” I cautiously asked.

“We were talking about how many snowballs it would take to knock that thing down. We can’t leave the base because it’s so cold out there, but you could.”

“So go hit it with snowballs!” the other sentry said, a smile on his face.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked.

“Psh, what’s the worst that could happen? Do you really think a skeleton pony could get through your scales?”

“Hm… I guess that could be fun,” I replied, shrugging. “How many do you think it’ll take?”

“Three bits says you knock the things head off with a single hit,” one of them said.

“Four says it doesn’t even notice no matter how many you hit it with.”

“Let’s find out,” I said, smiling. Then I vaulted over the battlements, walking toward the skeleton. As I walked, I scooped up a clawful of snow and breathed a tiny amount of steam on it to make it icy instead of snowy. After that, I compacted it, making a cheap-shot snowball that hits as hard as a rock.

Speaking of that, I don’t think Rainbow Dash ever forgave you for knocking her out of the air with one.

Anyway, when I got about five meters away from the skeleton, I reared my arm back and slung the iceball right at the thing. It slammed into its head and snapped it right off. For some reason, I found that really funny, and burst out laughing as the main body continued slowly walking toward me. Unfortunately, I knew I needed to kill it, headless or not, so I hit the body with a nice blast of fire, killing its bones.

But… My eyes moved to the skull, still moving about and trying to get to me. A grin came to my face and I picked it up by the back, so it couldn’t bite me. I walked back to the base, carrying it. When the two sentries saw it, they burst out laughing too.

“Well guys, it took me a single snowball to break off his skull,” I said, putting the moving skull on the wall. “Can we keep him?”

“Now, now,” one said, smiling. “You know how much of a responsibility pets are. You gotta feed him, clean up his messes, hide him from Watcher… But then, who could say no to that cute little face?” He reached up a hoof to poke the skull on what was left of its nose, but the thing snapped at him, making him jerk his hoof back. “Aww, so adorable!”

“Did you think of a name yet?” the other one asked.

“I was thinking…” I started, but was interrupted by the door to the base opening.

“You take care of that—The fuck is this doing here?” Watcher asked, using one of the words you told me not to say.

“Can we keep him?” I asked, putting on the smile that Twilight could never resist. Watcher was stronger, apparently, and hit the skull with a small blast of fire. “Aww…”

“If you want a pet, try picking one that doesn’t eat ponies,” he said. “I encourage having fun, but not when having fun is dangerous or puts my soldiers at risk. And don’t think I’m not aware that you two were encouraging him.”

Before I could answer, I felt a burning sensation in my stomach, followed by the annoying sensation of a letter materializing inside of me. It quickly exited me, as normal, and I caught it before it could go anywhere. “Answer from Celestia,” I said, recognizing the paper she uses.

“Good timing,” Watcher said, tugging the paper from my claws. “If it needs a reply, I’ll let you know.”

“Can I read it?”

“If there’s nothing too sensitive in here, yes,” he said. “But since some of what I requested were dark and illegal spells, I doubt that’ll be the case. I’ll give you the gist.”

“Make sure to tell me anything about Nav.”

“Right, right. Stay out here and keep an eye out. And you two, you’re going to be keeping him company for an extra rotation. Consider that your punishment for playing with the undead.”

“Aww…” they both groaned as he went back inside, closing the door behind him.

“So now what?” I asked.

“Well, we should go back to watching…” one slowly said.

“But his wards would tell us anything’s coming well before it gets here,” the other added.

“And we’re going to be out here for an extra rotation now.”

“So I hope you don’t mind being close and personal.”

“What?” That’s all I had time to say before they were both standing next to me, pressed against my sides.

“You’re warm,” one answered with a shrug.

“Troops in the field have to share heat,” the other added.

“And since you have all the heat, you can share with us.”

“But… neither of you two are pretty enough!” I hastily said, pushing them back.

“Hey, when you’re in the field, you take what you can get,” one said.

“Just close your eyes and pretend. That’s what we do when it comes to that.”

“You two are weird!”

“And you’re warm, so let us cuddle with you.” They both moved up against me again. I just sighed in defeat and went to watching the horizon.

Thankfully, Watcher came back out not too much later. As soon as they heard the door opening, one of them jumped away from me and started walking to the other side, pretending he was just making a round.

“Well, Celestia can’t find Nav either,” Watcher said. “She also can’t teleport down here and be able to teleport back, since the sun never shines down here. She’ll continue searching up in Equestria, but we’re on our own down here. She suggested we talk to Athena.”

“Wait, why didn’t we do that sooner?” I asked. “Let’s just get the book!”

“It’s in Nav’s chest.”

“So? We can just break it open!”

“It’ll destroy everything inside if tampered with.”

“Oh. That’s—”

“And then it’ll explode.”

“...Huh. You’d think she would put really important stuff like that in a place we could actually get it, in case something happens.”

“I will certainly make that suggestion if we find him.” He held up a scroll. “Now, send this to the princess.”

I took it and did so, then said, “So what does that mean, exactly?”

“It means, in Nav’s eloquent terms, that we’re fucked sideways. Or rather, he’s fucked sideways. There are a small number of people that can open the door. One was apparently Nav, who got trapped inside. One is probably Athena, who we can’t access. One might be Celestia or Luna, neither of which are available. And finally, there’s Twilight, who is busy with the elementals.”

“Wait, why can’t Luna help?”

“Because if we asked Luna to help save Nav, we’d very probably need to ask her to help save us from Nav. And given her history, I don’t even want to think about what her price might be. Now, I’m going back inside. If Celestia replies, let me know.”

He started going back in, but I quickly stopped him. “What about the undead?” I asked.

“I’m to keep her updated,” he replied, not even turning back around. With that said, he stepped back in and closed the door.

As soon as it shut, both of the stallions were back up against me again. Once more, I sighed and went back to looking around.

Once again, I broke in, still rubbing at Taya’s back. “Really now, how much of that was actually necessary, Spike?”

“Well… the two stallions made me kinda uncomfortable.”

“They were just messing with you, dude. I’m getting tired, so get on with it. Oh, and you better not have read my fucking journals. You’re not too big for me to spank you yet.”

He got all shifty-eyed and said, “Nav, I would never do that!”

“Uh huh. Then I’m sure they’ll all be in the right order when I look through them again?”

“Of course! They uh… Er, I might have taken them to my room for… safekeeping, though. So… some might have gotten moved around while I was carrying them?”

I just sighed and shook my head. “Spanking later. Keep going. But please, relevant things only.”

He sighed and continued.

The next day was really more of the same. Another group of undead began approaching the base a few hours before lunch. Once again, Watcher got us all outside. This time, we had Gilda with us. “Fliers,” one of the sentries said. “And it looks like they’re carrying sappers.”

“Just great,” Watcher sighed. “Spike, Gilda, fly up and intercept them. Gilda, distract them while Spike uses his fire to kill them.”

“I’m tough, but I can’t last long out there,” Gilda said. “Moving around like that’s gonna make it worse.”

“Then do it quickly,” Watcher said. “If those things get close, we won’t even have a building to warm up in. Just make sure you aren’t too close when you’re hitting them with fire.”

“Alright, but first dibs on cuddling with Spike.”

“Wh—” Before the word could even leave my mouth, she had already jumped up and started flying off.

“Lucky,” some of the guards muttered, eyeing me with smiles.

“Off you go,” Watcher said, nodding to the fliers. I sighed and spread my wings, taking off as well. The undead were steadily moving toward us, unable to go too quickly on mostly rotten wings. Honestly, I was surprised they were able to fly at all. Twilight would probably tell me it was magic. You’d probably tell me it was bullshit.

Anyway, by the time I got to them, Gilda already had them turning to follow her. Since they weren’t paying attention to me and we weren’t directly over the base yet, I hit them with some fire. Thankfully, I remembered Watcher’s warning about not being that close.

There were only five fliers, three of which were carrying really fat things that were so distorted I couldn’t even tell what they used to be. My fire hit all five of the fliers, since they were close to each other, and sent them all tumbling to the ground. As they fell, the three fat things blew up, pushing me several meters back and almost making me fall out of the air before I corrected myself.

“Nice shot, big guy,” Gilda said from behind me. “Now let’s get back to the base.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said, turning around to fly that way. “What is it with everypony and cuddling me lately?”

“Well, you’re cute. Nothing wrong with wanting to cuddle with a cute guy, is there?” My ear spines shot straight down and I felt a really annoying heat all over my face, making her start giggling. Fortunately, we weren’t that far from the base, and we landed before she could say anything. As soon as we did, though, she hopped up on her back legs and hugged me from behind. “Mmm, much better,” she sighed in my ear.

“Don’t take too long,” Watcher warned. “We still got the others to deal with.”

“Hey, I don’t see you exposing your under-wings to this bitter cold,” she said, hugging me tighter. “Besides, as strong as this big guy is, I don’t think he would mind fighting like this.”

“Very funny,” Watcher said. “Get off him when they get close.”

“Fine, fine… Clam jammer.” Those last words were muttered, though I didn’t know what they meant anyway. At least she got off me when the undead got close.

Fighting them was more of the same, so I’ll spare you the details. Once again, none of us were injured.

“This is getting annoying,” Watcher said, helping burn the undead bodies. “We’ll have a bit more help when we deal with it tomorrow, though.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“The miners apparently have a supply ship coming. Crabapple didn’t get the news until just recently, but it appears that their airship is complete. However, we’re still on contract, so we’ll have to stay on station until that expires. Either way, it’s coming in tomorrow, so I’ll have our ship stay here so we can make sure this place stays defended.”

“Well that’s good, at least.”

“It just means that there’s more that can go wrong,” he quietly said.

Before I could reply to that, Gilda jumped back on my back. “Hey big guy, wanna go explore the mines?”

I was going to ask her why should we want to do that, but Watcher said, “Save it until you’re back on the ship. I don’t think it would be wise to risk Crabapple’s ire.”

“But there aren’t any mines on the ship,” I slowly said.

“You are seriously jamming my clam, old pony,” Gilda growled.

“The rest of us feel the same way,” he said. “Tease him all you want, but leave it at that.”

“Tch. The ship’s coming back tonight. It can wait ‘til then. See you tonight, big guy,” she said, hopping off my back and walking inside.

“How are we gonna explore mines on the ship?” I asked Watcher.

He blinked a few times before asking, “What starts with c, ends in t, and is filled with a white, milky fluid?”

“Uh, a coconut?”

“What starts with f, ends in k, and comes with a lot of heat and excitement?”

“Firetruck?”

“...What’s long and hard and full of semen?”

“A boat, duh. What’s the point of these?”

“Have fun with Gilda tonight, Spike,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m going back inside.”

Nav, old people are weird.

“That night, Gilda—”

“Whoa, I don’t want to hear about it,” I quickly said, holding up a hand.

“How did you know what was going to happen?” Spike asked, blushing.

“Clam jam means the same thing as cock block.”

“What do chickens have—”

“Cock is another word for penis.”

…

“I don’t get it,” he slowly said after a few seconds of thinking.

“Gilda straight up said Watcher was trying to stop her from fucking you. That’s what clam jam means. When she tried to get you to explore the mines with her, she was going to use your penis to explore her vagina.” He blinked a few times. “Sexually.”

“Oh. Then why didn’t she just say so?”

“Because there are things you don’t say in polite company. Christ. And I thought I was dense sometimes… Whatever. Keep going. Remember, important things only.”

“You’d probably think the next day was pretty important…”

As Watcher said, the ship stayed docked over the mining base the next day. When I woke up in my bed on it, I was confused for a few seconds before I felt the griffin curled up around me. I almost shouted in fear before I remembered what happened. Even after that, though, I very quickly pushed myself away from her, feeling dirty.

She didn’t even wake up, so I left my room, shaking slightly, and went to take a shower, just… thinking. Thinking about someone else… When I got out, for some reason my steps brought me to your room, where I found Taya on your bed. She was curled up and holding one of your gauntlets, asleep.

Since I didn’t want to disturb her, I just went onto the deck and jumped off, flying down to the mining base. When I got down, Watcher was outside, doing sentry duty. “So did you enjoy your spelunking?” he asked with a weird smile.

“We didn’t go exploring,” I quietly said, my voice seeming hollow. “We just had sex.”

“Sounds like you were exploring her body,” he replied.

“I… didn’t get to do much of that. It was mostly her on top of me, holding down my arms.”

“Heh, yeah… I remember my first time with a griffin. You’re supposed to fight back. Rough her up a little. Half of sex with griffins is establishing dominance. But still, they’re always a fun lay.”

“I guess. I really just feel… empty.”

“Oh. Well, not everyone likes one night stands. Empty sex is fun for some people, but not everyone. Just give it some time, you’ll feel better soon enough. Maybe do a few laps around the base or some pushups.”

“Those don’t seem very fun…”

“And sitting around moping about it will just make it worse. Do whatever you want, just be ready to go on sentry duty in a few hours. I’ll be sending the ship off to escort the supply ship in soon, so we’ll need to be ready for anything.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“You better be. And go get some food.”

“Breakfast would be nice, yeah. Just come get me when you need me.”

“Of course.”

A few hours later, I was back outside and the undead were attacking again. It was a smaller wave than usual, but this time there were five of the exploding things. No fliers, thankfully, so we just got to watch the five things slowly waddle toward us until one of the unicorns hit one with fire, making it explode and take out a chunk of ice. They also took out most of the other undead around them, leaving almost nothing for us to do.

While we were still cleaning up the bodies, the two ships appeared from the clouds above us. “Orders, sir?” one of the guards asked Watcher.

“Go inside and tell Crabapple the ships are here. The supplies are her problem, not ours. And stop burning those bodies!”

“But some are still moving,” Taya said.

“I know. If Crabapple is coming outside, I think it’s a good idea she knows the full extent of the threat. Keep an eye on them. They start getting close, push them back.”

The two unicorns shrugged and started watching what was left of the undead. I did the same, because I really didn’t want to get attacked by them. It was then that I realized I didn’t even know how they attacked somepony. “Hey Watcher?”

“What, Spike?” he asked.

“How do these things even fight? Most of them haven’t gotten close enough yet.”

“Teeth, bludgeoning, clawing, using weapons, blowing up… Anything they can do, they will. They’re harmless against a well-trained and well-armored force, but they’re great for causing panic against the uninformed and the untrained. Haven’t we been over this?”

“I dunno, maybe?” Before he could find something to hit me with, the door to the base opened and Crabapple walked out.

“The supply ship is finally here?” she asked, looking up.

“Yes. And it’s not all,” Watcher said, pointing to the crawling bodies.

“I pay you to kill those things,” she pointedly said. “So kill them.”

“They’re already dead,” Watcher replied.

“Then kill them again. I’m not going to begin moving supplies until those things stop moving.”

“Spike, light them on fire,” Watcher said, still staring at Crabapple. She was staring right back, not bothered in the slightest. I just looked to the undead and used my firebreath to kill them. “These things aren’t going to stop coming,” Watcher said. “Not until every one of them is put down.”

“Then I have good news for you,” she said. “We have no plans to renew your contract. In fact, this mine is almost definitely going to be shut down upon the end of your contract, if not sooner. The only metal we’ve found is that cursed base the human died in.”

“Nav’s not—” I started, but she didn’t even pay me any mind.

“The fact of the matter is that we’re leeching money on this endeavor. If we don’t find anything by the time your contract is over, we’ll pull out entirely and sell the location to an archaeologist. Maybe they can get the door open and find more permanent guards.”

“That’s good news,” Watcher said. “Celestia herself professed interest in the base, so I imagine she would be willing to pay for the information. After all, it claimed one of her only personal friends.”

“Then she’s welcome to it. I’m going to go get my miners. Can you send someone to the ships and have them move in closer? I believe the threat is gone.”

“Simple enough,” Watcher said. She nodded and went back inside. “Nightshade, get up to the mining ship, have them pull in closer. Shadow, head to our ship. Tell Gourd to pull up to overwatch. There weren’t any fliers in this batch. If they’re coming in late, I want to know before they trigger the wards.”

“Yes sir,” they both said, hastily saluting before taking off.

“What about the rest of us?” Gilda asked, idly preening one of her wings.

“Go inside, if you want, but be ready to get back out here if needed.”

“Easy enough. I got some beauty sleep to catch up on.” One of the mares next to her snorted. Gilda answered that with a sharp punch to the shoulder before walking to the door. When she passed me, she trailed her tail around my waist, making my ear spines droop. When she got behind me, she slapped the tip against my… my backside, making me flinch and blush. For some reason, everypony giggled.

Right after she walked in, unhappy looking miners started walking out. After the first few got out, they all stopped, staring at the grounds in front of the base in shock. “Sweet Celestia,” one whispered, his eyes wide.

“What happened out here?” another asked.

“What do you think we’ve been under attack from?” Watcher asked. “There’s worse things in this world than diamond dogs or monsters, fellas.”

“What… what did this?” one asked.

“Undead,” Watcher said with a shrug. “See those craters out there, each the size of this base?” All the miners’ mouths dropped. “Yeah. So unload the ship quickly so we can get back to doing our jobs.”

“She does not pay us enough for this,” one muttered, spreading his wings. The other pegasi joined him, while the earth ponies and unicorns almost jumped off the side before they realized how deep the hole in front of the base had gotten from all the undead we burned down there. Instead, they walked to one of the sides and jumped down there, walking back out in front of us to the plain under the ship.

The pegasi on the ship started throwing boxes down, where the unicorns caught them and placed them on the backs of the earth ponies. They brought them over to the base while the unicorns caught more of the stuff being dropped. When the earth ponies got to the base, they made a staircase of boxes and started carrying them up and then into the base. They started a chain of ponies until everything was inside, not that there was really too much.

“Why didn’t they bring much?” I asked Watcher when the last of the miners stepped back inside.

“We’re leaving soon,” he replied. “And this was probably more of a proof of concept than anything. They wanted to make sure their ship was working fine down here before putting too much of value on it.” He was silent for a few moments before smiling and saying, “I think I’ll suggest they head up to the Crystal Empire. They have the ship and there’s already a mine there…”

“But didn’t Nav say that mine was haunted?”

“Crabapple doesn’t seem to mind the dead. I’m going back inside. Everyone else but the sentries are free to do the same.”

Almost everypony took him up on that offer, leaving just me, Taya, and the two sentries on duty. I really wanted to go back inside, but at the same time… “Spike?”

I looked down at Taya. “What do you need?” I asked.

“Can you fly me up to the ship?” she asked, nodding up at our boat.

“Sure. I was thinking of heading up there anyway. Come on.” I gently wrapped my arms under her and lifted her up, then spread my wings and took off. “Couldn’t you just teleport?” I asked while we were on the way.

“Daddy always told me I should save my energy if possible. You never know, he said. Besides, teleporting that far is hard.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” It didn’t really seem that far to me, but I knew it would have if I still didn’t have my wings. Honestly, I don’t know why I ever got on something that could fly without wings. I mean, I know you would save me, but when you weren’t around…

Well, we got up to the deck fairly quickly. Kumani and Kat were up there, staring at the supply ship. “When’s that thing gonna leave?” Kumani asked when I set Taya down.

“Watcher said the miners were gonna load some stuff on it, and that it’ll probably leave some time tonight,” Taya said. “Why?”

“Just wondering,” she said, crossing her arms.

“Wonder if they have anything for sale,” Kat said.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “It’s just a supply ship. Though a few ponies on board might be willing to trade anyway.”

“I’m gonna go check it out,” Kumani said. “You want to come?” she asked Kat.

“Sure. At least it’ll get me off this boat for a little while. Spike, if you see Spider, tell him I’ll be back soon.”

“Sure thing,” I said, following Taya down to the door leading belowdecks. Taya ended up in your room and that’s when I realized my footsteps were taking me to the same place. But I forced myself onward, going to my room instead.

Since Gilda hadn’t been kind enough to… to change my sheets, I did so, changing and washing them. I didn’t want to smell them anymore, not after that. While I was doing that, I found some of the girls, which ended up with me finding the rest of the girls, aside from Twilight. They cornered me and forced me to talk, though getting my mind off things for a little while was nice.

As that day ended, I found myself alone on the deck of the ship, sitting on the rails and just watching the snow fall. Most of the crew was asleep, though the crew of the mining ship seemed to be preparing to leave. They moved quickly and awkwardly in heavy coats, seeming to want to get everything done quickly so they could get back below.

I was so focused on them or just zoned out in general that I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone until Kumani asked, “What are you thinking about?”

“W-what?” I asked, flinching toward her.

“Brooding is unbecoming of a dragon,” she said.

“I thought you said dragon moms were called broodmothers until their eggs hatched.”

She blinked a few times before chuckling. “That’s not what I meant. Tell me, why are you here? Why did you come on this journey?”

“Nav asked me if I wanted to go. She thought it would help me find my place in the world.”

“I see. Do you think your place would be with other dragons?”

“My place is by Nav’s side. She’s my friend, and she needs me.”

“Spike, Navarone is dead. As much as I hate to say it, he—or she, whichever—is not coming back.”

“That’s not true! I know she’s alive.”

“Nav told me himself that he can’t survive without food or water for very long. It’s been days. We can’t get him out. The unicorns can’t get him out. The door can’t be opened. Even if he is somehow currently still alive, he might as well be dead.”

“I don’t believe it. We’ll save her.”

“Well, I do believe it. And I’m leaving, too.”

“What? Why?!”

“Because the others don’t trust me and I don’t think many of them like me. I came because of Nav and because he told me there would be chances to make money. Nav is either dead or a girl, neither of which attract me. And I see no chances for more gold on this trip, or at least not for me. Watcher and Zecora wouldn’t let me get any shares. I hear that wicked mare’s mutters, constantly whispering about dragon greed. So I’m leaving. You’re welcome to come with me, if you want. I’ll find a place for you with the dragons back home.”

“Why would you just… leave Nav like that, though? I thought you two were together.”

“I was thinking with the wrong place when I decided to come with him. Nav is… was really good at sex. I only ever knew him while I was in heat. When that wore off, I discovered that we have almost nothing in common. He’s smart, I’m not. I’m strong, he’s not. And there will be a time when I want hatchlings and he won’t be able to help with that. Especially now that he’s a girl, which I’m really not attracted to. It was cute when it was reversible, but I’m not a lesbian. Even if he was still alive, I didn’t see the relationship going very far.”

“Oh…”

“It was just a stupid mistake anyway. Especially when we got on this boat. I’ve heard the whispers from some of the girls we got in that crystal place. They really don’t like me. But I don’t care. I’m leaving on that supply ship and you can come with me.”

I quickly shook my head. “I’m staying here. If Nav can be saved, I’m going to do it. And if not, then I’m going to help my friends with what Nav was trying to do.”

“Suit yourself,” she answered with a shrug, then spread her wings.

Before she could take off, I quickly said, “Is there anything I should tell her?”

“Her…?”

“Nav. Do you want me to tell her anything?”

“...If he’s still alive, tell him to stay safe. And to never take that bug queen up on her offer. I could smell the corruption on her.”

“Uh, alright. I’ll tell her, I guess.”

“May your hoard grow ever larger,” she said, then jumped off the side and flew over to the supply ship.

“So yeah,” Spike said. “Kumani left.”

“Huh. Well, I can’t really blame her. Ah well.”

“You… aren’t sad about it?”

“Not really. I mean, I expected we’d last at least a year, but I’m not really that sad that we didn’t. She was right; we really don’t have much in common. And it was obvious she was less than enthusiastic about my sudden lack of a dick, so whatever.”

“Huh… What about what she said about the dragon greed stuff? Was that ever really a problem?”

“Yeah. Or at least, sort of. She was very possessive and any time someone tried flirting with me, Kumani made sure to remind me who I belonged to. My dick enjoyed that, but the rest of me, not so much. She was useful to have on the ship, but I didn’t think she would be very happy for very long. It’s probably for the best that she left. I guess it means I can start utilizing my maid again.”

“I could—I mean, there are plenty of… others on board that would be happy to help!”

“Yeah, I could fuck Dash or Pinkie, or maybe Twilight or Kat. Probably Gilda, too. But as much as I hate to say it, this body sometimes craves something a bit… harder. And longer. Doppel can help with that.” I went silent for a second before snorting. “Maybe I can finally fuck Smiles, too. Not too many on board I can fuck without pissing Watcher off.” Spike was sitting there, a very strange look on his face. He opened his mouth, but I asked, “So did anything else big happen? I don’t really know how long I was down there. That place… time mixed together. Did you guys find me right after Kumani left?”

“...No. We didn’t find you until we were just about to run away.”

“Run away?”

“Two days after Kumani left, things got bad.”

I was kinda surprised, but no one seemed that upset that Kumani left. Zecora said something about dragon loyalties being hard to earn, but that didn’t seem right to me. I mean, I would never leave you…

But everypony else just shrugged. I hate to say it, but I think she was right: None of them seemed to trust or like her. It kinda made me feel sad, because she had been so nice to me and all the others. Or at least, she had always been nice when I was around. Pinkie was the only one that even seemed to care, and even then, she didn’t care that much.

The next day was quiet, thankfully. A few small groups attacked us, but just two or three at a time. Watcher smiled once, though he denied it when I mentioned it. The naga was even more moody than usual, though that was probably just from being stuck inside for weeks.

The day after that was not quiet. Well I mean, it started quiet, but Watcher told me that the days always start like that before things go bad.

So uh… This is the day I killed a dragon. A really big dragon. A big, undead dragon.

It started as the usual little battles did. Watcher’s wards went off and he got us all outside. The usual suspects were there, along with an extra addition. This one was long and thin, some kind of mutated dog or something.

“Disease spreader,” Watcher said with distaste, staring at it. “At least it’ll be harmless down here in this cold. Normally those things shoot clouds of toxins into the air. But it’s so cold here that anything they shoot out would be harmless. Still, Black, kill it as quickly as you can.”

“Yes sir.”

“Taya, you focus on the fliers. I’ll take care of the exploders.”

“Alright.”

Fifteen minutes later, that was done. The main groups were dead, though a few stragglers were still coming toward us. It was at that point that Watcher flinched, half-turning his head behind us. “More of them,” he muttered. “Taya, clean up here. Everyone else, let’s go to the back. We got company.”

We all followed him around to the other side of the base, wondering what else we’d have to deal with. Once again, it was more of the same. Mostly the normal ones, no fliers but a few exploders. They were no match for us, really. I was starting to wonder why somepony would waste their time even making undead.

But when that group was finished, Watcher muttered a word you really like and said, “We have a problem. They’re coming at us from the front and the left. Black, take Taya and squads two and three to the front. Spike and the other two squads, come with me.” We all split up and moved to the two sides.

“How many are there?” I asked as we picked spots on the battlements.

“I don’t know. But if they’re coming at us like this, I expect we’re going to be seeing a lot more. But there really can’t be enough of them to threaten us, as long as they continue like this. Though this could be the sign of the necromancer, in which case we might be in some trouble.”

“How would we know if it’s the necromancer?” I asked.

“Trust me, you’ll know. Enough questions. Just concentrate on putting them all down as you see them.”

“...Alright.”

Before that group could even get to us, Watcher said another bad word and looked to the back of the base again. “Even more of them. Spike, these are nothing but crawlers. Jump down, let them all come to you, then use your fire to kill them.”

“W-what?”

“You have scales. They can’t even hurt you. But I have to take care of the other side, so get down there so they’ll all focus on you. Squad two, make sure none of them get close to Spike. Squad one, on me.”

Before I could ask him why I had to jump down, he hurried off to the back with his squad, leaving me with an earth pony and a pegasus. “You heard him, Spike,” the pegasus said. “Down you go.”

I sighed and muttered, “Being a soldier sucks.” They both nodded and smiled as I jumped over the side, holding the shield up in front of myself. Seeing a living target, all the undead that were drawing in started moving straight toward me. There weren’t that many, less than twenty, but it felt… bad standing before them alone.

But then I remembered that I had two well-trained and experienced soldiers behind me, ready to help me if I needed them. That made me feel a little better, at least. Then one of the undead got close enough and I hit it with a burst of flame, dropping it. Seeing it die and realizing that I could probably easily win made me feel a lot better and I lowered the shield, picking targets as they got closer.

None of them got within two meters of me, I’m proud to say. Before I could begin celebrating, more of them began shuffling out of the snow and I felt my smile drop. I readied myself for combat again, but Watcher said, “Spike, get back up here.” I turned and jumped back up onto the wall, using my wings to propel me.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Bad, bad things,” he said. “The miners broke through the very wrong ice and now we’re under attack from the inside and three corners. I’ll hold here. Taya’s inside, with the naga. Take my place on the wall, to the back of the base.”

“Got it! Are the miners okay?”

“Not the time!” he said. “Get to your spot!” My eyes opened wide and I jumped to follow the order, running along the battlements to the back of the base. Some of the undead were already halfway to the wall, so I hopped over the side and took up position in the front of the battlements again.

Soon enough, I was hitting more undead with fire. Really, it was just simple stuff, until I noticed one of them was an exploder and really close. My eyes widened when I realized it was too late and it was already on fire. I just had time to duck behind my shield before it blew up.

Surprisingly, the shield held, though I slammed back into the icy wall. Every part of my body not covered by the shield and the arm holding it really hurt, but nothing was broken and I could still fight.

“By the night, be more careful!” one of the soldiers behind me yelled. “That tore a hole in the wall!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even—”

“Keep fighting!” the other one yelled. I gulped and turned back to the undead, lowering my shield. My entire body was shaking, but after quickly looking around, I realized there weren’t any more exploders. I took a deep breath and continued shooting flames out.

Not too much later, they were all dead in front of me and I pulled myself up onto the battlements, not really feeling like jumping or flying. There was definitely a noticeable gap in the wall where the exploder took out a chunk, but I didn’t think the undead would be able to use it against us. I was more worried that Watcher would be upset, and when he came around the side of the base, my eyes widened.

“Everyone alright?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” the pegasus said. “Spike got a little gung-ho and torched an exploder too close by mistake. No harm done.”

“I-I didn’t mean to!”

Watcher looked from me to the hole in the wall, then back to me. “I don’t think I need to tell you to be more careful. That was almost you, after all. Move to the right side. More are coming in.”

“Can we get a signal to the ship?” one of the troops asked.

“Since Kumani left, no. Not unless Spike here can send a message to Twilight or Gourd instead of Celestia.”

“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I know it’s possible, but the princess only showed me how to do it with her.”

“Then you need to ask her how to do it with others later. We’re in trouble here and we might well need help. Now take your positions on the wall. This side is clear… for now.”

I nodded and the other two saluted and we started walking around to the other side. We each had to jump over the hole in the wall, but we made it there with no problems. Then we got into position and just waited.

You know, you and the naga both told me about something I never really believed in until that day. When you get into a real battle, you enter a strange state of mind. Everything around you seems to slow down and reflexes take over. Against the undead, that was simple. With how easy they were to take down, I found myself… wanting to fight something better. Something tougher. I was in fight time, and I wanted a reason to be there.

An hour later, I had my reason. The group I was in had just taken out another few undead. Nothing major, just an exploder and few crawlers. But when we got them killed, we all heard Watcher’s shout of surprise. Before we could go and ask what was wrong, we all felt the ground shaking under us.

Since our side was clear, we all ran around the base to the front, where Watcher’s group was standing. We were joined by Black’s group a moment later. That’s when we found the source of Watcher’s shout: A very long neck attached to a very large head was moving out of the mist in front of us. After a few steps, we found that it was also attached to a very large and undead draconic body.

“Welp, we’re screwed,” one of the guards said, for some reason sounding happy.

My sword jerked out of its sheath and Watcher pulled it over to himself, muttering something. His eyes lit up for a second or two and he passed the sword back, letting me take it from the air. All the soldiers were probably considering running, and so was I. After all, it isn’t every day that you have to fight something like that.

“Spike, take that sword and attack that thing.”

“What?! Why me?”

“It’s a dragon. It breathes fire. You’re a dragon. You don’t mind fire. Do the math.”

“That equation ends with me dead!”

“If you don’t try, we’ll all die! Now go fight that thing! We’ll keep the lesser undead at bay.”

As much as I absolutely did not want to get anywhere near that monster, I knew there was no choice. If we ran, we would freeze. If we let it destroy the base, we could never save you. If I couldn’t beat it, its magic resistance would probably stop the already tired unicorns from hurting it. So I took a deep breath and spread my wings, taking off.

I knew I had a few things going for me against that thing, which was at least three times the size of the ship. It was undead, so it was stupid and couldn’t move very quickly. But I had a feeling that if it hit me, I would definitely never see you again.

Letting it hit me was not an option.

When I got about fifty meters away from the thing, its mouth opened wide. I held the shield up in front of me since I was expecting flames to come out. Instead of flames, however, it shot a cloud of… I really don’t know how to describe it. The stuff was black and acrid and left an icy chill on the shield and my arm.

But instead of blocking it, as I expected the shield to do, it just acted as a short buffer, letting the breath seep around and hit me. When that breath hit me, I felt myself… changing. In a way, my body seemed to rejoice in it, since it seemed to make me stronger. When I told Watcher about it after the fact, he said the dragon was breathing raw entropy at me, making me age. A normal pony, he said, would probably have turned into dust with the amount of the poison I got into me.

But dragons live forever. As he poured what should have been death into my body, I grew. The shield’s straps broke off my arm and I let the sword drop from hands too large to hold it. Soon, I was around the size of the ship, and that’s when the dragon’s breath stopped.

Normally, such a drastic change would have made me stop in horror and shock. But as I felt myself changing physically, my mental state also seemed to change. I saw a large dragon before me and I knew that dragon was the enemy. I knew my job was to kill him. Panic left my mind and fight time entered. The opponent was still larger than I was, which meant I needed to be careful. But I was also big, so fighting him was an option.

Since I had grown so large and didn’t stop moving, by the time the dragon’s breath attack stopped, I was right up on him. His claws reached out to slash at me and his head darted in to bite, but I twisted and slammed my tail—which had grown spikes at some point—into him. That attack hit his head and knocked him back, but undead don’t feel pain. His claws wrapped around my tail, spikes and all, and then dug into my scales. I roared in pain and turned my head, shooting fire at him.

That didn’t seem to faze him too much, so I jerked my tail and jumped into the air, spreading my wings and taking off. That forced him to let go, which meant my blood started spreading across the battlefield.

I waited in the air for him to start flying, but then I saw his back and realized he would never fly again: one of his wings was missing, torn straight off. When I saw that, a dark smile came to my face and I flew over him, then landed on his back. He groaned and tried reaching me, but it seems that dragons become more and more quadrupedal as we age, which meant his claws couldn’t reach me.

Since I was relatively safe on his back, I started clawing at whatever I could, trying to do as much damage as possible. I ripped off scales, tore into his skin, destroyed his other wing, and then realized far, far too late that I forgot one very important thing.

Dragon necks are flexible.

Since my head was busy breathing fire into one of his open wounds, his teeth latched onto my chest and ripped me off his back, slamming me into the ice. One of his claws pinned me down while the other raised up in the air. I had a feeling I was about to die, but then I saw something flying toward him from my peripheral vision. When I looked, I saw one of the exploding undead things flying straight at him, propelled by magic. As soon as it got close enough, it burst into flames and exploded, distracting the dragon.

That was enough for me to escape, since the claw holding me down loosened up. I grabbed it with both of mine and twisted as hard as I could. It made a sickening popping sound at the elbow joint, and that’s when I remembered something you showed me once. I pushed myself out from under him and then let go of his arm with one claw, then brought my arm down to slam onto his elbow from the back, breaking the arm.

Apparently being undead made his bones weaker, because the two bone fragments broke through his scales, putting a big hole there. Seeing an opportunity, I jumped up, still holding his arm with one hand, and twisted and pulled on it. After a few seconds, it completely tore free at the joint. Thankfully, I wasn’t expecting all the strength I had to suddenly send me on my back, since the undead thing slammed its remaining claw at me.

So I was on my back on the ground when the thing tumbled down, unable to catch its balance with a missing leg. Once again, I foolishly thought I had an easy victory at that point… right up until the arm I was still holding grabbed me. I shouted in surprise as its claws sank into my thigh, shaking and trying to tear whatever it could away.

Since I knew I had to use fire to kill it permanently, I did just that, hitting the disembodied arm with as much fire as I could. After a few seconds, it was little more than a crispy hunk of bone. Thankfully, my own fire didn’t hurt me, so I was able to easily pry the thing away from me.

While I had been distracted with that, the enemy dragon was getting back to its feet. It could no longer use its front arms to attack, but that didn’t stop it from lunging at me, baring its teeth. I dodged to the side and reached out, grabbing at its neck. The teeth missed me and I successfully grabbed onto its neck, making me realize I had no idea what I was planning to do.

After less than a second of thinking, I decided if I could tear off an arm, I could tear off a head. My claws let go of its neck and I snatched at one of the sets of horns on its head, then twisted as hard as I could. The dragon actually roared and started shaking his head, trying to make me let go. But I had gotten that far, so I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Instead, I kept twisting and jerking, using my full body weight to try to twist his head around.

After a few seconds, his wing slammed out and he pushed back, standing up on his back legs. That wasn’t something I was expecting, but I still held on when his remaining front arm grabbed me by one of my back legs. Then he yanked forward, making me dig my claws into his neck even further. It felt like my leg was about to break, but I knew I couldn’t let go.

He yanked once, twice, and then finally, he yanked so far that he gave me enough force and weight to break his neck. The arm holding me jerked and then fell down as he lost his balance and fell onto his back. Since the neck was already broken, I let go and jumped off until he landed, then got right back to him, twisting his head around and around. It still writhed and tried to bite me, and his body was reanimating without the need for his head, but by the time his arm could move again, I had already found the weak part of his neck and used that to tear his head off completely.

Even with that, his body still struck at random, trying to do any kind of damage to something living that it could. His head also tried biting me, but I was tired of that. Since I knew no amount of fire would ever destroy that thing’s skull, I spread my wings wide and jumped into the air, flying straight up until all I could see was the white from the ground and the starry sky above me. Finally, I lifted the head up high and threw it to the ground as hard as I could.

When it started falling, I flew down, matching its progress with the hope that it wouldn’t hit the base when it landed. Thankfully, it didn’t, and slammed into the ground with enough force to crack the thing like an egg.

With its rotten contents exposed, my fire made short work of the animated head. The body was still a very dangerous threat, but without its head, it was mostly harmless. But just in case, I grabbed it by its arm and broke that one, then tore it off and threw it as far as I could. At that point, it could no longer walk, so I figured it wouldn’t be any kind of problem.

So I turned my attentions back to the mining base, where a small horde of undead was still slowly advancing. My eyes narrowed and I torched the remaining undead, turning the entire field to the left of the base into an instant sauna. Several meters of ice melted straight into steam, which was really neat.

As soon as Watcher realized the threat was gone, he turned to his troops and started yelling something. Two of the squads and the other unicorn rushed inside, probably to make sure Taya and the naga were still alright. Since I couldn’t smell any remaining undead, I walked over to the base, feeling time return to normal. As it did, I felt all the pain that I had been ignoring during the fight immediately push into my mind and I groaned, practically collapsing in front of the base.

Watcher immediately rushed over. “Spike, speak to me!” he demanded, standing right in front of my very large face.

“...I don’t like undead,” I groaned.

“No one does,” he answered, smiling slightly. “How badly are you hurt?”

“I just need some… some sleep. And can you heal me?”

He shook his head, the smile disappearing. “I’m afraid not. Throwing that exploder as far as I did took a lot out of me. And dealing with the others… You’re much older and much bigger, Spike. I can’t heal you. We’ll have to wait for Zecora to brew you up a cure for that poison. Then we can cure you up easily.”

“I can wait,” I sighed, closing my eyes.

“I’m gonna see what I can do with your wounds,” he said. “So please don’t flinch around too much.”

“No promises,” I muttered, rolling slightly so he could see as much of the damage as possible. You always told me it was better not to look, so I just let him do whatever he could. It felt like he was rubbing ice against me, but I didn’t know for sure. At the very least, the horrible stinging stopped, so that was a plus.

When he stopped and nothing else happened for a few minutes, I opened my eyes to find my sword and shield sitting on the ground next to me. Watcher was also there, and he nodded when he saw me looking up. “I did what I could. You’ll hold until they get back, which shouldn’t be too long. And apparently the fighting you and that dragon did opened a few other caves down there. More undead are pouring out. Taya, the naga, and Crabapple's useless security guards turned it into a rekilling ground.”

“I could help them,” I said, lifting my arms to push myself up.

“You can’t even get your head inside,” Watcher said, smiling. “They’ll be fine. Black’s helping them and the ship should be here in less than an hour. Just relax, Spike. You got yourself a story to tell your hatchlings one day.”

I snorted a patch of steam and muttered, “I’d be happy just to get to tell Nav…”

“Well, if you don’t get some rest, you won’t be able to do either. So just relax, see if you can get some sleep. It’ll make the time go by faster.”

“That an order?”

“If that makes you feel better, sure.”

I sighed again and let my eyes close, doing my best to tune out the pain.

“And that’s how I killed a really big dragon.”

“That’s pretty fucking awesome,” I said, nodding. I was getting really tired, and didn’t feel like moving too much. “Then Zecora healed you?”

“Yeah. Or at least, she de-aged me. It took her a while to cook up the potion. And of course, Twilight and her friends were all over me, talking about how cool it was that I got so big.”

“That seems like something they would do, yeah. I assume Taya dealt with the bastards inside?”

“Yep. Well, not just her. Apparently the naga definitely had some fun in there.”

“And this was the final straw for Crabapple?”

“Yeah. Every single one of her miners demanded to leave after the attack in the cave and when she saw what was left of the big dragon outside—still moving, of course—she was very willing to agree.”

“How did you and Taya take that?”

“No one told us until I was shrunken and healed…”

The two of us were back in the mining base comparing stories when we noticed that there was a growing lack of anything in the base. Miners were ferrying supplies outside, for whatever reason. It was around that time that Watcher approached the two of us. “We have a small problem,” he quietly said.

“What kind of problem?” Taya asked.

“What’s going on?” I added. “Why are the miners taking everything outside?”

“We’re leaving,” he said.

“What?!” Taya and I both shouted.

“We can’t survive another attack like that and the second elemental is freed. It’s been a week. If the door hasn’t opened at this point…” He sighed, shaking his head. “You have an hour. I’ll send someone down to get you when it’s time.”

“We can’t just leave him!” Taya yelled, jumping to her hooves.

“You have one hour to open the door,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s all I can do. The dragon’s body is still out there and still moving. If it slams down and opens another pocket of undead, it could kill even more miners. We just can’t stay. You know I want to, but I just can’t justify it. So make the most of the time you have. And please, for all of us, find a way to open it.”

“We will,” I said, grabbing Taya. Since she had shorter legs, I picked her up and started running into the mine, carrying her toward the horrible door that stole you away. As soon as we got there, I dropped her and breathed fire onto the thing for as long as I could. She joined me, blasting it with fire from her horn.

Fifteen seconds later, nothing had happened and I had to stop. Taya seemed to sense that it wasn’t working as well and also stopped. Instead, she hit it with lightning, then acid, then a burst of noise so loud that it felt like my ears were about to explode.

Twilight and Ice joined us at some point, though I felt like I was in a trance the entire time, too focused on getting the door open to pay attention to who else was with me while I was doing so. Each of us took turns doing whatever we could. Taya and Twilight used magic, Ice did… something, and I did the only thing I could do: brute force it.

None of it did anything.

At the forty-five minute mark, I think we all realized it was completely hopeless. Whoever made that door made it so well that it was completely impossible to budge. We knew the rest of the metal around it was the same, because the miners had dug up other parts that we assumed were connected to the door. Absolutely nothing any of us did would even put a scratch in it.

At that mark, we all found ourselves standing next to each other, just staring at the door. “Not like this,” I was whispering, shaking my head. “Not you…”

“It’s a human door,” Ice quietly said. “I’m a human machine. I can open this. How?”

“We’ve had problems,” Twilight muttered. “You’ve hurt me, I’ve hurt you. But we’re friends, and friends don’t leave friends behind.”

“I will never let you die without me,” Taya very quietly said. I think I only heard it because of my dragon ears, but I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. “You won’t be alone.”

When she said that second part, a very bright flash came from her horn and her body… changed. All three of us stared in wonder as she became a human, though she was shorter than you and Twilight were. When she was fully turned, she walked up to the door, though I knew she had to be cold without any clothes on.

“I’m not leaving,” she said, standing in front of it. Then she said something in some strange language I never heard. Apparently it was a phrase in some language you taught her.

As soon as she said that, we heard a click from the door and the panel with the handprint lit up slightly. All of our mouths dropped and Taya slowly looked down at her hand before looking back up to the panel. After thinking less than a second, she slapped her hand onto the device. It was a poor fit since she was so small, but there was another click and the door hissed slightly as the locks disengaged.

All four of us shouted in wonder as it slowly slid open, though Taya was the first to run past it since she was closest. However, she immediately stopped, seeing a massive gaping hole in the floor where you fell.

That didn’t stop me, though, since I had wings. I pulled her away and jumped down. Twilight didn’t let me fall very far, though, using magic to grab me. “Spike, we need to get ropes!”

“Nav could be hurt down there!” I said. “I have to get to her!”

“And risk the door closing on you, too? That won’t help him!” She started pulling me up.

However, I saw something she could not. “Twilight, wait!” I shouted, making her stop. “There’s a door here!”

“Really? But that doesn’t make any sense!”

All three of them looked over, and Ice actually lowered part of his body down to look. “...This is an elevator shaft,” he said. “There are doors on each level. This must be the highest level directly under the top.”

“Then let’s open it,” Taya said. “Daddy wouldn’t let himself fall far. Maybe he got one of them open and is waiting for us.”

“Yeah! Twilight, hold me steady,” I said, reaching out.

“We really should get the others…” she said as my claws forced their way into the middle of the door.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked, ripping the doors open.

As soon as I did, the must of hundreds of rotting corpses hit my nose, followed by the most horrifying screams I have ever heard. Twilight was so startled that she dropped me and I would have fallen to my death if Ice hadn’t caught me; I was so scared that I didn’t even think about my wings.

After the screams came horrible, horrible visions, though thankfully they didn’t last very long and after they left, I couldn’t remember any of them. When the last one passed, everything was… quiet. My eyes finally forced themselves back open…

And that’s when I saw you lying on the floor, a dried pool of your strange blood under you. Every single part of you that I could see looked damaged. Since Ice was still holding onto me, I grabbed onto him and swung myself toward you, using my wings to break his grip and land into whatever room you were in.

Your face was bloody and disfigured, destroyed by what Zecora said was acid. There was some kind of rusted collar around your neck that I immediately broke off and tossed aside. Under that were horrible bruises. Your hands and arms were sliced and cut up. All in all, I honestly thought you were dead and that all of our hard work had been for nothing…

As tears starting coming to my eyes, it seems you got your second wind. You jerkily inhaled, your eyes fluttering open. Instead of their usual beautiful green, they were a pale blue. Still, they looked up at me in wonder. Then your voice said a word… some strange word. It sounded like Artyom or something, whatever that meant.

Right when that word left your mouth, you collapsed once more. I very carefully picked you up and ran back to the door, letting Ice carry us up.

“After that, Twilight healed you up, but you didn’t wake up,” he said. “You were alive, but nothing we did made you respond. When we got you back to the ship—with a lot of rejoicing from the crew, the girls, and the soldiers—Zecora said there was something very, very wrong with you. Apparently your aura didn’t feel right or something, whatever that meant.”

“It meant I was possessed,” I said. “While you were dealing with the dead on the surface, I was dealing with the dead underground. One of them took a liking to my body, it seemed, and it possessed me.”

“Yeah, that’s what Athena said when we used your thumb to open the chest to get her book. I was so happy to have you back that I didn’t really pay much attention to what they were talking about. You woke up a few times and demanded in some weird language to see Artyom, whoever that was. You calmed down whenever I was there, so I just started sitting with you at all times.”

“Weird. Artyom was some human guy. Wonder why Ava would think that was you.”

“I dunno. Maybe she was trying to tell you something?”

“Doubt it. The bitch was crazy and dead. How long was I like that?”

“A few days. We still haven’t gotten back to Equestria, actually, though we’re pretty close.”

“The elementals?” I asked.

“The two we picked up went on to meet with the others in Atlantis, but Ice is still with us. He said he wanted to be here in case you needed him.”

“Cool. What time is it?”

“It’s… pretty late, I think. I was starting to drift off when you woke up…”

“Well, I’m pretty tired, too. As good as it feels to be alive and out of that horrible, horrible bunker, I think some sleep would be nice.”

“Aren’t you gonna tell me what happened to you?” Spike asked.

“You don’t want to know. No one wants to know.”

“Oh come on, Nav! I told you everything that happened to us!”

“We can talk about it in the morning, but don’t expect to hear it all,” I sighed, leaning back into bed. “But for now, go to bed, Spike.”

“Alright, fine.” He stood and walked over to my bed, then joined me in it.

“...Spike, why are you getting in my bed?”

“My room got claimed since I was spending all my time in here anyway. And… Well, after all that’s happened, I’m worried you might wake up possessed again, so it would be best if I stay here.”

“Right. Sure. Whatever. Just don’t sleep-grope me or Taya.”

“Of course not,” he said with what sounded like a smile. I was too tired to turn my head that way to check, though.

Before I finally drifted off, though, I did have one more thing to say. “And… thank you for helping me through that, Spike,” I quietly said.

“It’s like I said, Nav,” he just as quietly answered, turning and pulling me into a hug. “I would never leave you.”

For some reason, that felt really comforting.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirteen—Good to be Back

Chapter One Hundred and Thirteen—Good to be Back

As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt myself get pulled into another hug, this one watery. I hugged Flo back, just as happy to have her with me as she presumably was to have me not dead. “Miss me much?” I asked.

“That should be my question to you,” she said, sliding back so I was laying down comfortably on her. “I was there the entire time. Seeing everything, but not being able to help… Much, at least.”

“Hey, you pulled your weight,” I said, nodding. “Stopped me from killing myself once, I think. And you stopped whatever that scientist bastard was doing.”

“That nearly killed me,” she sighed, hugging me tighter. “But I survived. And better yet, Ice was able to help me repurpose the inert machines. I’m stronger now in your body than ever.”

“Oh God, now you can abuse me even more!”

She touched me in my no-no place and said, “You know you like it, my adorable little human.”

“Hey, if you start pulling that ‘my little whatever’ crap that Celestia does, I’m going to turn into a total slut just to spite you. Every port we stop in, I’ll find a new species.”

“What’s bad is that I know you’re serious. I think we’ve been over this, but sex by itself isn’t unhealthy. But doing that to yourself is just bad. Still, now that Kumani is gone, you’ll have to find some way to not be so pent up. Though you should know that I’ll be next on the list of elementals you’re freeing.”

“Who ever said that? There’s still the ones underwater, not to mention the other one under land. We could get you last. It would serve you right, for abusing me like you do.”

“I already discussed it with Ice, who talked it over with the others through Aqua. It will take some time to free the ones in the water. Since you’ll be in Equestria anyway, we all decided it would be best if the girls get a chance to spend some time at home. At the very least, it’ll give them a chance to say goodbye. When all the others are free, they’ll meet you on the eastern side of Equestria and the ship can bring them to me. And don’t even try to deny that you need a break after that, too.”

“You’re right, I can’t deny that. I shouldn’t even be alive after that. Spending a week or two doing nothing will be very nice.”

“It might be longer than that. But now that you’re awake, Ice can do a final checkup and then go join the others.”

“And I have to deal with everyone fawning over me like I was a baby. Again.”

“Maybe you should stop getting into situations where you end up helpless, then. They all know you’re tough, but after seeing someone carrying you back when you’re covered in injuries, they’ll start to think you’re fragile. Especially when they remember that you’re technically a woman now. Like it or not, most guys have an innate desire to protect girls.”

“Unfortunately. It just means I’ll have to smack some bitches around. Get back on my feet quickly, or whatever. And I definitely need to make sure Spike remembers I’m a guy and not a girl. Several parts of his story were worrying.”

“And how do you propose to do that?” she asked. “Or better yet, why do you propose to do that? Until such time as a cure can be found, you’re a girl. Isn’t it better to just accept it instead of fighting it?”

“No, no it’s not. We’ve had this conversation before, I believe. And the why is relatively simple. Spike’s still young. You saw how he reacted after fucking Gilda. I don’t want him to get it in his mind that fucking me might be better since I’m a good friend. That would end up rather awkwardly if he realizes he can’t do the whole friends with benefits thing, not that I’d really want to fuck him anyway. I knew him when he was just a kid, after all, and that would seem really, really fucked up. So I need to make sure he remembers that I’m a guy.”

“So once again, how do you propose to do this?”

“Well, first thing’s first, I need to spank him for reading my journals. He didn’t seem to like Gilda being dominating, so hopefully he won’t like it when I do it.”

“That seems like the opposite of a good idea,” Flo said, distaste evident in her voice.

“It also reminds him that lying to me doesn’t work and reading my journals is a bad fucking idea. I can’t just let him get away with it. After that, I don’t really know what else I can do. I’m already going to be fucking mares. I can’t really stop wearing girly clothing, since the panties are the only underwear I have and most of what I wear chafes if I don’t have those on. My boobs aren’t too big, but I need at least some support for them, too. So I’m open to suggestions.”

“You could cut your hair, though that might not be the best idea, given your plantlike status. Exercising wouldn’t work, since I don’t think you can really grow buff. Getting into another relationship might work, but there’s really not any girls on board that would be good for you.”

“Are you saying that as a mom or as a form of advice?”

“...Either way, the point is true. Despite what you promised Taya, Fluttershy would be a poor decision. She would love you, yes, but she would stifle you. Try to change you. You would come to despise her. And of course, the guards and the crew are off limits. Applejack doesn’t like you. I don’t think I need to explain the other mares. There’s Kat and Gilda, but I think you’d have problems handling Gilda in the long run, and I think Spider is there to stay with Kat.”

“So relationships are out, not that I really mind. What else is there?”

“Keep trying to get him laid?”

“Sounds fun to me. Bet we can find a sleazy bar or nightclub when we drop the miners off. Maybe I can bring some of the others, too. Lord knows I’m feeling pent up after so long.”

“Just remember that before you do any of that, you need to spend a lot of time with Taya. I can give you all the bliss you need, now that multiple orgasms won’t be as problematic, so there’s no excuse for you to neglect her anymore. Especially after what you both just went through.”

“That was certainly one of my plans. I’m definitely going to have some explaining to do. How much do you think I should tell them?”

“Nothing. Save it for Celestia. Ice was horrified when I showed him some of what occurred. I don’t think most of the ponies could handle it.”

“I’ll tell Taya some. Not much, but some. She wouldn’t let me get away with saying nothing, after all. But yes, I definitely need to tell Celestia to drop the sun on that place.”

“Are you sure that’s wise? If you do end up bringing more humans back, they might be able to glean some important information from that place.”

“If they could fucking survive. You saw how effective my enchanted blade was down there. No information is worth the losses they’d take, both to their sanity and their numbers. It’s better to just destroy that place and forget it ever existed.”

“You know, it’s possible that an elemental could explore it safely.”

“Maybe. But I’m not gonna let you risk it. We can send Brook, since no one likes her anyway.”

“That’s actually somewhat touching.”

“Does that mean you’ll go back to touching me?”

“So much for the moment… That would be a bad idea. Remember, you’re in a bed with Taya and Spike. Do you really want to get off with both of them there? Because Spike’s already poking you with a sleep boner. If he smells you getting off, bad things might happen.”

“...Well, it would be fun in the short term. But getting fucked in front of Taya would be awkward, especially when I have to kick Spike’s ass afterwards. Anyway, I guess we can hold off the destruction of that place for now. But I’m still going to tell Celestia what happened with it so she knows not to send anyone down there.”

“Of course. She’ll need to make sure Crabapple doesn’t sell the location to anyone else, after all.”

Things fell silent, after that. I guess neither of us could really think of anything more that absolutely needed to be said. The obvious elephant was still in the room, but I think by that point, we both knew how reluctant I would be to ever really discuss what happened. All I really needed was time. She knew me well enough by that point to realize it.

So we just laid together in silence, watching the passing clouds of the glade.

The next morning, I woke up to both of my arms feeling very asleep. A pony was curled up around one, holding it very tightly. On the other side, a dragon was holding me, not giving my arm any room to move. As tempting as it was to slowly pull myself free and see if I could get them to cuddle together without me, I had a feeling it would be a bad idea.

Since Taya was looking far too cute to disturb, I started flinching the arm closer to Spike instead. Both of his arms were wrapped around my body, holding onto me, so any movements would definitely be noticeable. After about fifteen seconds, he started making some noises. Figuring I was on the right track, I started moving faster.

Half a minute later, he moaned and jerked, waking up. When he flinched, I felt something push into my leg and that’s when I realized I had been rubbing his… dragon pride. Him jerking was him… humping.

Once I figured out what I had been doing, I immediately stopped. He groaned and whispered, “Keep going…”

My face slowly turned to meet his, disbelief in my eyes. His eyes were closed and that’s when I figured he was probably still asleep. Either way, I was done playing that game, and ripped my arm up and away, carefully bludgeoning him off the bed. It felt awkward as fuck with my arm completely asleep, but he fell off just the same.

Once he hit the floor, he shot upright, looking around. “W-what?” he coughed, turning to me. “Oh, Nav! I was just dreaming about you,” he said with a pleased smile.

“Spike, you were just humping me,” I slowly answered, trying and probably failing to hide my disgust.

“Huh?”

“You were rubbing your dick against my hand and moaning,” I answered, shaking my arm and hoping it would wake up.

“Oh. Was that bothering you?”

I gave him my best ‘nigga you serious’ look and slowly said, “...Yes?”

“Um. Sorry, then. Do you uh… do you want breakfast?”

“I’ll get up when Taya wakes up. I can eat then. It’ll be good to get on my feet again, that’s for sure. Until then, go get some fresh air. Looks like you need it.”

“You… sure you don’t want me to stick around? You could tell me about what happened.”

“Nah. Doesn’t look like you’ve been out much. Like I said, get some fresh air. Maybe let them know I’m still alive. Just tell them not to bother me.”

“Alright, I guess.” He slowly stood, his dick already sheathed again, thankfully. “Just call me if you need me.”

If you’re going to be on deck, how the hell are you gonna hear me? “Sure, whatever.” He lingered a few more seconds before sighing and walking to the door. Thankfully, he let himself out and pulled the door shut.

As soon as he was out, I let myself ease back down and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. Taya was still asleep and I knew she needed her rest, so I’d definitely let her have it. Honestly, I was in no hurry to get out of bed anyway. It was warm, my body was tired and in pain, Taya was looking really adorable, and I think Flo was probably dosing me with some kind of lazy mind drug.

She denies and resents my claim, for what it’s worth.

Unfortunately, I have terrible ‘friends.’ My eyes were closed and I was trying my best to drift back off when I heard my door very quietly ease open. Since I knew there wouldn’t be anything threatening, I decided to just stay as I was. After a few seconds of not hearing anything walking, I opened my eyes slightly, then jumped back at the massive amount of pink right in my face.

“Morning!” Pinkie whispered as loudly as she could without waking up Taya.

I looked down at her legs to see how she got up to me without making noise. All four of her legs were floating off the ground and that’s when I realized she was probably riding Aerie. “Not even going to give me a good morning kiss?” I whispered back, looking up to Pinkie’s face.

“You haven’t brushed your teeth in over a week!”

“And I haven’t been kissed in over a month,” I answered with a smirk, hoping I’d make her go away.

It didn’t work. She just sighed and whispered, “The things I do for friends…” before leaning in and very gently pressing her lips to mine. Sadly, that was some of the only friendly contact I had in a while, so I felt myself trying to lean into it. Pinkie saw that and backed off as I tried to push in, making sure the kiss stayed pure and light.

After a few seconds of cat and mouse, I quietly groaned and leaned back so I wouldn’t disturb Taya too much. “Don’t make me beg,” I whispered.

“Oh Nav,” she happily said, shaking her head slightly and smiling. “We’d make you scream. But not with Taya right there, silly! So can we hear your story? Can we, please?”

“Maybe later,” I said. “But Taya… And besides, we still need breakfast.”

“Does she need a good morning kiss, too?” Pinkie asked, looking down upon the somehow still sleeping Taya, smiling more gently.

“She’s been worried sick,” I quietly replied, half-reaching for her with my moveable arm before stopping. “Let her sleep. Tell the others not to bother me until we’re up. And no kissing her, at least not on the lips.”

“Well technically, she’s legal…” Ugh. The one thing I don’t like about Equestria’s laws.

“Out, Pinkie.”

“Aww… Well, that just gives me more time to make you a super-special breakfast!” She giggled and Aerie started flying out, though Pinkie’s tail was flapping a lot more than it should have been. Of course, I made sure to get a nice view.

And then that was that. She made sure we weren’t bothered again, which meant Taya could actually sleep in. Since I’m a bad person that can’t enjoy the little things in life, I had Flo put me back under so I could play with some dreams. It seemed Dash was still asleep, so I made sure to turn her innocent dreams of joining the Wonderbolts into a massive orgy, though sadly I left before I could get involved.

It took Taya’s lazy ass nearly an hour to wake up. My body probably needed the rest, since I had been up by magic for so long and because of all the damage I had taken, but I really wanted to talk with Watcher and learn where we were and what we were doing. Well, more specifically than ‘on the way to Equestria for some R&R.’

When she did wake up, she began hugging me around my body instead of just my arm. “Daddy?” she whispered.

At that point, Flo had already woken me up again, so I was alert and whatever. “Yes, dear?” I quietly asked, hugging her back with the arm that wasn’t asleep.

“I missed you so much!” she practically wailed, holding me even tighter.

Oh boy, didn’t see this one coming. “I missed you too, Taya,” I softly replied, rubbing at her back again. “So, so much…”

“What… what happened?” she asked, looking up at me.

“While you were dealing with undead up above, I had my own undead infestation down below. Oh, and remind me to punch Watcher. The dead do not haunt minds. They most definitely haunt places, and that bunker was hellishly haunted.”

“So… what actually happened? You were hurt…”

“I’ll tell you later, Taya. I promise. But I feel like I haven’t eaten in weeks and I definitely need a shower.”

“No, no… Spike made sure you stayed clean. He said he had practice, from the monkey place…”

“How nice of him,” I sarcastically said, wondering what he did to me when I was either out of it or fawning over him because of Ava. “The point remains that I need food. I also need to get checked up by Ice, Zecora, and maybe Athena. I need to tell someone what happened, get some of this off my chest… But can you wait a few hours?”

“...Okay, daddy. But you’re going to tell me!”

“Yes, I am. Now, can you let me up? I think it’s about time I got on my feet.”

She hugged tighter for a second or two before relaxing and moving, hopping down off the bed. I slowly sat up, testing my body to see how it would react. It seemed to be going good, so I started stretching my cramped body. The arm she was hugging felt like pins and needles since it was just waking up again, but otherwise, it felt great to be moving. Once I stretched properly, I started doing my normal routine of popping stuff.

“Daddy, that habit is nasty,” Taya said as I cracked my knuckles.

“Yeah, it sure is,” I replied, nodding and continuing to pop stuff. “But it’s sadly necessary. When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” She rolled her eyes, but didn’t reply as I stood, finally letting the blanket fall off me. As I expected, there were a few bandages around my body, arms, and legs. I had no clue why, given that I could be healed by magic, but whatever. Aside from those, I was completely nude. “Tch. No wonder Spike was holding me like that.”

“Well, he was really worried about you,” Taya said with a shrug. “Is it bad that a friend wants you to feel comfortable?”

“Eh. If I had a hot female friend, I’d probably be copping a few feels, too,” I sighed, walking over to my drawers.

“I don’t think he would do that. You’re still… technically a boy, right?”

“True enough.” I pulled open one of the drawers and pulled something out. “What do you think?” I asked, holding up the panties. “I’m feeling… pink today.”

She looked at the pink, lacy panties somewhat dubiously before turning her unimpressed eyes back to me. “Daddy, are you sure you’re still a guy?”

“Hey, I have the ghost of a married Russian woman in my head and I almost got turned into a sex slave for an undead priest. Excuse me for letting that warp some of my perceptions of what’s normal.” I snorted as I started putting the panties on, pulling them up my legs until they were snug around my body. “Besides, it’s not like anyone’s going to be seeing them.”

She just rolled her eyes as I opened another drawer. I started pulling out pants, but then remembered the bandages around my legs. Wearing pants wouldn’t work well with the bandages, so I pulled out one of the ruffled white skirts and put that on instead. “Really, daddy? Really?”

“Hey, how do you expect me to get pants on around these bandages?”

“You have shorts!”

“...Oh yeah. Well, the skirt’s already on, now.” I shrugged and pulled out one of my old shirts, modified to fit me. But once again, I remembered the bandages, so I sighed and put that one away, pulling out one of the blouses Rarity made. It was looser, after all. I set it aside and slipped on an annoying bra. They were uncomfortable and annoying as hell, but it was better than getting an aching back from lugging around some useless mounds of flesh. When I had that on, I slipped on the blouse and turned back to Taya, who was face-hooving and shaking her head. “What?”

“Until you start dressing like daddy again, I’m going to start calling you mommy,” she said.

“Hey, I have a good reason for putting all of this on! The skirt and blouse, for the bandages. The bra for my back. The panties so no one peeks up my skirt. And it’s all suprisingly comfortable, save for the bra, so don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

“Mommy, are you asking me to play dress-up with you?”

“If you keep giving me lip, yes. I will march you right down to Rarity and have her design matching outfits for us. Don’t think I won’t! And don’t think I forgot that you asked to start sleeping in here with me. That sounds like a perfect time for a slumber party, where I can teach you all about makeup and we can talk about boys. So keep calling me mommy, go ahead. But don’t be upset when I start acting like mommy instead of daddy.”

She grit her teeth and forced out, “Fine, daddy. That’s a very pretty skirt you’re wearing.”

“Why thank you, Taya. Now, shall we go get breakfast?”

Her eyes rolled, but she nodded. “I’m hungry anyway. And where’s Spike?”

“He was being weird, so I told him to fuck off. After a few days of being in here, it sounded like he needed some fresh air.” I walked over to the door and let myself out, finally getting outside of my room. And of course, I immediately bumped into Spike, who had apparently been standing on the other side of my door. “Dude, what the fuck? I said get fresh air, not stand outside my door!”

“Well… how would I know if you were calling if I was on deck?” he asked.

“Did you seriously wait out here for over an hour?” I sighed, massaging my temple.

“I got a quick breakfast,” he muttered, looking away.

“Well, go get some fresh fucking air. By which I mean go to the deck.” He sighed and nodded. “Come on, Taya.” I pushed past Spike and started walking further in, to the kitchen.

Before the two of us got very far away, Spike said, “That’s a pretty outfit, Nav.”

I ignored that, as well as his subsequent sigh of defeat.

It wasn’t until I got to the kitchen that I remembered Pinkie’s threat of a ‘special’ breakfast. Before I could tell Taya that I wasn’t hungry anymore, the door burst open and a pair of pink legs dragged me in. “You’re finally awake!” Pinkie happily shouted, hugging me. Taya was allowed to more freely walk in, at least.

Normally, there isn’t any kind of table or anything in the kitchen, since that would get in the way of everything, but Pinkie made an exception. As soon as she had me inside, she pushed me into a chair and Aerie or Pinkie’s special magic pushed the chair in. Taya took up residence on the other side, since both of us were beyond the point of trying to question Pinkie.

“So what’s on the menu today?” I sighed, watching Pinkie move about the kitchen.

“Well, I know you don’t like too many sweets and you made Taya pretend to hate them, too—”

“Did not!” Taya quickly shot back.

Pinkie reached her hoof up and tousled Taya’s mane, giggling. “Keep telling yourself that, Taya,” she said, then turned back to the kitchen. “So I made you waffles, and some of my own special syrup mix!”

“Isn’t your syrup mostly sugar?” I asked.

“Well, usually… But you’ll be fine!” She pulled two large plates out of one of the cabinets and set them before us. Then she grabbed a waffle iron right as it started going off, popping it open and removing two very large Belgian waffles. She used a spatula to flip one to my plate and the other to Taya’s, then put a very large pitcher of syrup on the table in front of us. “Now eat up!”

Taya lifted the pitcher with magic while I reached to one of the drawers behind me and pulled out a fork. When I turned back, both waffles were covered in butter and syrup, ready to be devoured. “Normally I don’t much care for stuff like this,” I said, poking at the food with the fork before looking up to Pinkie and smiling. “But today, I think I’m in the mood for something… sweet.” I winked and my eyes began to move down her body, toward her flank.

She giggled and said, “Then eat your breakfast. You can have dessert later…”

“As sweet as this is, why would you want dessert?” Taya asked.

“Because I want to feel really, really full,” I said, looking back to Pinkie’s eyes.

“Don’t you worry about that, Navi!” Pinkie happily said, her smile widening. “Mistress Pinkie will take care of all your needs.”

“Can’t wait,” I whispered, starting to eat. After a few bites, I realized Pinkie was staring at me. “What did I tell you about watching me eat?”

“That it’s creepy and I shouldn’t do it?”

“So why are you watching me eat?”

She was silent for a few seconds before slamming forward and hugging me, knocking me out of the chair and onto the floor. “You were dead!” she cried.

None of the wounds behind the bandages had been hurting up until then, but that seemed to wake them up and make them start aching. Telling Pinkie that wouldn’t be a great idea, so I just hugged her, softly petting her mane with one of my hands. “I wasn’t dead,” I quietly said. “Close to it. And I prayed for it. But I survived. I’m here, Pinkie.”

“No… Aerie told me they took you!”

Alright, that’s kinda creepy. “She lied. Yes, I ran into ghosts that hated me. Yes, they tried to kill me. Yes, they did a lot of damage. And finally, one of them took over my body. But I survived, Pinkie. You know that nothing will keep me down.” Until I decide to do it myself.

She was quiet for another few seconds before whispering, “Oooh, I missed you so much!”

Before I could answer, the door to the kitchen opened and Ice slid in. “Spike said—Oh my. Uh… am I interrupting something?”

“Breakfast,” I answered, using one of my hands to push my skirt back down from where it flared up when I hit the floor. Pinkie was still wrapped around me, so I was only able to do so much, but still.

“Uh huh. Do you usually eat breakfast on the floor and with a mare wrapped around you?”

“Depends on who you ask,” I replied with a shrug. “According to the Canterlot newspapers, I’m always covered in mares. However, I don’t tend to eat breakfast like that. Pinkie just decided today would be an exception. I don’t approve.”

“Then you shouldn’t be so cute,” Pinkie said, licking at my ear.

“Sorry, I can’t help that,” I replied, rolling over so she wasn’t on top of me. Before letting go, I kissed her on the forehead and whispered, “I missed you, too,” into her ear. When I finally let her go to stand, her normal smile was back and she was hopping up. “So what did you want?” I asked Ice, sitting back down so I could hopefully enjoy what was left of breakfast.

“I assume Flo told you about our… discovery?” he asked.

“She did.”

“What discovery?” Taya asked, suddenly interested since it probably involved my health.

“I’ll tell you later,” I said. “Go on, Ice.”

“I need to check you out again,” he said.

“You check me out every time you see me,” I said, smiling. “I feel you undressing me with your eyes.” A few seconds of silence later, I actually turned to look at him to see what his problem was. Once again, I found out that elementals can most definitely blush. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“N-no!” Ugh.

“...So you need to evaluate my medical condition,” I slowly said, trying to get him past the awkward moment.

“Er, yes… That. Say, I have a question for Flo. Ask her if it’s… if it’s possible for someone to have two elementals…”

“She said no,” I immediately answered. “Now, if you would?”

“...Oh. Okay, I guess.” I turned back to my breakfast as he flowed into me, sinking into my pores. It was a strange feeling, but I had been there and done that enough times for it not to bother me too much. After about a minute of being inside me, he oozed back out. “Everything checks out,” he said.

“Good. Pinkie, you got any more of these kickass waffles? Flo usually needs plenty of materials to fix me up, and she’s had to do a lot of fixing.”

“That’s not necessary,” Ice hastily said. “Now that you’re conscious, the damage can probably be healed by magic.”

“Oh. Pinkie, you got any more of those kickass waffles? They taste awesome and I’m still hungry.”

She giggled and snatched up my plate. “Coming right up, Navi!”

“...Navi?” Ice said. “That’s a nice nickname…”

“That you aren’t allowed to use,” I said, leaning back in the chair.

“Oh…”

“But then, neither is Pinkie. She just does it anyway,” I said with a shrug. “So I’m good and healed. Flo told me you’d be leaving after you checked me over.”

“Do you not want me to go?” he asked. “I’m sure I can work something out—”

“No, don’t let me keep you,” I hastily said. “Your sisters need you, I’m sure. We’re still over an ocean, right? I’m sure you can get down from here.”

“Well, I don’t need to leave right away…”

“The sooner you get to your sisters, the sooner you guys can bust out those underwater. Sooner that happens, the sooner we can get Flo out. And I’m quite in a hurry to see Flo again. You do want to see us reunited, don’t you?”

“Ah… yes. Yes, of course. It’s just… Well, I’ve never been alone down there. In the ocean. The big, big ocean…”

“You’re a big boy. I’m sure you can handle yourself,” I said. “See you in a few weeks.”

“Are you sure I can’t… get a host first? I wouldn’t feel as alone if I could talk to someone.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. But not Spike.”

“...Why not? Isn’t he really close to you?”

Dammit Ice, stop being creepy. “He fucked Brook up when she turned him into a host. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Oh!” He immediately surged toward me and wrapped me in a warm, watery hug. “Thanks for looking after me, Nav…” I didn’t reply, though Taya was staring at him rather strangely. He noticed that and looked down to her, still hugging me. “Say, would you like to be a host, Taya?”

I looked over to her, narrowed my eyes, and shook my head slightly. She quickly said, “No thank you. Daddy told me about it and I… I’m not ready for that.”

“Aww… Are you sure? It’s really fun!”

“She’s quite sure,” I said as Pinkie put the plate back in front of me, once again covered in a waffle. “Thank you, Pinks.” I thrust my arms out of Ice’s body and started pouring more syrup down. “You’ll have to find someone else.”

“Okay, I guess. I can do that…” He didn’t go anywhere, though, just stood there hugging me.

After a few bites, I sighed and regretfully asked, “Is there anything else you need?”

“Well… If you get hugged, aren’t you supposed to hug back?”

Pinkie leapt forward and hugged the guy. He wasn’t expecting it, so she seeped through his body and ended up hugging me through him. “Yay, a two-fer!” she happily said after pulling her muzzle out of Ice. Then she shoved her face back in and started blowing bubbles, making him actually giggle. I continued ignoring them, just eating.

When I finished and neither had let go—in fact, they started talking about something that I wasn’t paying attention to—I sighed, wondering where I had gone wrong in life.

“Daddy, you know they won’t let go until you do it, right?” Taya asked, just looking at me.

“I know, dear,” I sighed. “But if you give a mouse a cookie…”

“Oooh, we’re getting cookies?” Pinkie excitedly asked.

“But I can’t eat…” Ice said.

“Little help here, Taya?” I asked, smiling at her. That smile disappeared when she hopped down, walked over, and started hugging me as well. “Et tu, dear?”

“You know you like it, daddy,” she happily said, snuggling against me.

“Pinkie, I need you to help me with something,” I said.

“What with?” she asked.

“First, a hug in payment.” I turned as much as I could and hugged her, petting her mane a little.. “Alright, now I need you to tickle Taya for me.”

“Okay!” Pinkie released me and turned to Taya, a sharky grin upon her face.

“What? No!” Taya had time to shout before Pinkie’s hooves were against Taya’s sides, tickling her as best a pony could. Despite repeated tickling wars with me, Taya wasn’t very resistant to tickles, so she quickly fell against Pinkie’s ministrations, leaving her on the floor with Pinkie continuing to torture her.

Ice was still hugging me, of course, so I finally hugged him. “There, you got hugged back,” I said. “Now let me go. We’ve been over how I feel about hugs before.”

“...I thought you said you liked them.”

“When I want them.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m a woman now, Ice. I don’t have to make sense. In fact, it would be against my gender’s code to make sense. I’m sorry, but that’s how it is.”

“Isn’t that… sexist?” he asked.

“Nah, I can’t be sexist, I’m a woman. Only men can be sexist. So stop oppressing me, you cis-gendered agent of the patriarchy.”

“I-I don’t know what that means!”

“No one does. Back in my day, people got upset because there was nothing to be offended about, so they started inventing things to get pissed about. Not important. What is important is that you stop hugging me now.” I let him go to show him how it’s done. He sighed and released me. “There. Now, you need to get going.”

“Alright, I guess… But I still don’t understand why you don’t want me to hug you.”

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand,” I said, nodding.

“I hope so… I’ll try to find you before I leave, I guess.”

“That’s really not necessary,” I hastily told him.

“I know, but I don’t want you to worry. For now, I guess I can go look for a host.”.

Ugh. “Sure, whatever.” He gave me one last look before leaving. I was too busy watching Pinkie make Taya giggle, squeal, and writhe about on the floor to pay any attention to him, though. When he got out of the room, I patted Pinkie on the back. “That’ll do for now,” I told her. “You did good.”

She hopped away from Taya, beaming at me. “I got a lot of practice with Fluttershy!”

“I bet. Thanks for breakfast, too. It was definitely worth eating.”

“No problemo! It was fun to make! But uh… it was kinda hard making sure the kitchen stayed empty for this long. So you two might wanna go.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” I said, leaning down and picking Taya up. She was getting heavier and heavier, but she still wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t hold her for a few minutes, as long as I wasn’t flying. “See you later, Pinkie.”

Taya pouted as I carried her out, which was really adorable and probably had the opposite effect that she wanted. As soon as we got out, she petulantly said, “You can put me down, daddy.”

“But you look so cute!” Her eyes narrowed and she teleported to the floor. “Well fine, if you’re going to be like that. Let’s go find Zecora, shall we?” I took her silence as consent.

The halls of the ship were relatively crowded with miners, though I assumed most of them were probably on the deck, enjoying the weather and possibly the sun. There were also a few guards out and about, all of whom surreptitiously watched me with smiles. I figured they were happy to see me up and about again. Or maybe they were watching to see if I’d give them an upskirt shot.

We got to Zecora’s pad fairly quickly. Her door was surprisingly open, so we let ourselves in. She was alone, thankfully. “Got a minute?” I asked her, leaning against the doorframe.

“For you, I do,” she answered, making me flinch slightly. “Sorry, that was an accident. I trust that if you’re out of bed and without your dragon at your side, you are feeling better?”

“Your trust is well-placed. I know I got possessed, but can you give me any other details? And is Ava gone for good?”

“I know little of the dead. Possessions are… difficult. Her active presence will probably haunt you no more. But passively…” She looked me up and down, nodding. “Passively, she already seems to be influencing you. Before this trip, would you have worn that?”

“...No, I wouldn’t have. Fuck. Do you know what all problems I’ll have?”

She shook her head. “It’s impossible to say. I did not know this ‘Ava.’ It’s possible you will just become more feminine. You might take on some of her other mannerisms.”

“Is there any way to fight it?” I sighed, not wanting to turn into a religious nutjob again.

“Perhaps.” She reached over to an alchemy set and grabbed a bottle full of some orange liquid. “Drink this,” she said, passing it to me.

I shrugged and did so, forcing the horrid mixture down my throat. When I finished, I passed it back to her, coughing. “Why’s it always terrible?” I groaned.

“That’s how you know it’s working,” she said. “Come by every day for a week to get more of it. It might not remove the symptoms you already have, but it will stop new ones from appearing.”

“I’ll take it,” I replied with a nod. “Other than that, I’m good? I’m sure some of the wounds I had were probably cursed or something.”

“They were, but they were taken care of. Now that you’re awake, healing is possible. Taya could do it now, if she wanted.”

We both looked down to her, but she said, “Daddy wants an excuse to wear his skirt and panties. I wouldn’t want to take that from him.”

“Hey, looking pretty is excuse enough for me,” I said, smiling. “You don’t have to be jealous, Taya. I can beautify you if you want!”

“Ugh. Tell me that’s a symptom,” she said, looking to Zecora.

“I’m afraid we both know better,” Zecora said, giving me a very disapproving look. “But at least I know he’ll never be as pretty as I.”

I tousled her mohawk with a smile and said, “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

A voice behind me cut off whatever her response would have been. “Actually, that would be me, sir,” Watcher said, stopping in the hall outside her room. “Or is it ma’am now?”

“It’s my foot in your face if you don’t call me sir or nothing,” I answered. “Status?”

“Halfway to Equestria. Another two to three days, depending on the engine. Gourd says we got some problems from spending so long in the cold. It was never tested, so I say we did good to come out as well as we did.”

“He’ll have plenty of downtime to get his shit together when we get to Canterlot,” I said. “Zecora, do you need to do anything else to me?”

She reached over to a table and picked up a vial of some kind of clear fluid. “Drink this.”

Well, she’s sort of a doctor. I shrugged and downed it. It tasted just like water. “So what does that do?” I asked, handing the vial back.

“It hydrates you,” she said. “Your voice sounded hoarse.”

I smirked and started patting Watcher’s head. “I guess you could say I’m feeling a little—”

“If you finish that, you’ll regret it,” Watcher sighed, pulling away from my hand. “Now come on. We need to talk.”

“Yeah, we do. Thanks for the help, Zecora.”

“It was a pleasure to be of assistance,” Zecora said, bowing her head slightly. “You always bring such interesting cases my way.”

“Glad to know you care so much for my well-being. Let’s go, Taya.” Zecora smiled and happily waved as Taya and I followed Watcher.

“Taya doesn’t have to be there,” Watcher said.

“I’m aware,” I replied. “But she’s not going anywhere.” In fact, she got closer to me when I said that, brushing against my leg. She was warm and fuzzy, so that didn’t bother me any. We got to Watcher’s pad quickly enough, since it was just a few doors down. When we did and when I thought about it being his pad, I thought of something. “You have any family, Watcher?”

“What?” he asked, taking his normal position at his desk.

“You know, kids? Grandkids? Anything like that?”

“If I had any family, I wouldn’t be on this ship. Where did that come from?”

“My mind makes weird connections,” I said with a shrug. “Anyway, what’s our status?”

“We accomplished our primary and secondary missions down south,” he said. “We got both elementals and successfully protected most of the miners. We had a serious problem with undead.”

“Yeah, Spike gave me the very long and mostly unwanted story last night. Troop morale?”

“High. We had to retreat, but we’re experienced. Nothing could survive against that and we were just happy to get out of there. The miners are another story, but they aren’t our problem. Having you up and about will put everyone’s mind at ease.”

“Good. You got a list of shit I need to leave out of my lockbox? Aside from the book, that is.”

“You said your laptop is a repository of information. Is there anything we could use?”

“The laptop is staying in the box. I’d rather it be destroyed than fall into anyone else’s hands, hooves, claws, or talons. There are schematics for country-destroying bombs on that thing. Not that you could build them with your tech level anyway, but it’s better not to have a goal to work toward.”

“Fair enough. What about your magic artifacts? If you died, someone else could use your ring.”

“Eeeeh… I really don’t want to risk losing that, or having anyone steal it…”

“It’s up to you. But that book must stay out of the chest. This is the second time we needed it but couldn’t access it. Twilight has it right now.”

“I’ll get it from her later, then. As scary as Athena is, I’ll need to talk to her soon.”

“Scary, sir? I’ll grant creepy, but why is she scary?”

“You didn’t have to go through her maze of death. And when you look at her, you see a bird-like human. When I look at her, I see a horrifying perversion of a normal human. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s completely insane. Every time I go in there, I keep thinking she’ll get annoyed at a question and just remove the oxygen around my head or something.”

“She’s just lonely,” Watcher replied with a shrug. “But fair enough. Some of those undead we dealt with were certainly creepy, as a pony used to normal ponies. Now, about Spike…” He stopped, seemingly uncertain how to go on.

“What about him?” I asked. “He seems to have a crush on someone, but it’s not distracting him from doing his duty.”

“Right. Someone,” he said, making air quotes (which is weird as fuck to watch when hooves are involved). He rolled his eyes and continued, “I meant more along the lines of his performance. He did a good job against the undead, but he needs to work on his discipline. I understand that there’s only so much a nondragon can teach a dragon about things of that nature, so I want to send him to Reginald when we get to Equestria.”

“I’ll talk to them about it,” I said. “But I won’t make Spike go if he doesn’t want to and I can’t make Reginald take him if he doesn’t want to. He definitely does need to learn some discipline, though. I’m actually worried about going around him during my period. Er, heat. Whatever the fuck you call it. Definitely gotta get him to stop using that sword, though. He has claws, now.”

“Swords have advantages and disadvantages. Learning to use a weapon requires more than just learning the art of that weapon. It also requires discipline, exercise, and other things. However, it is true that he needs to learn more with his own claws. Now that Kumani is gone, the only training partners he could really use are you and the naga.”

“Hey, Spike’s getting to be as strong or stronger than I am. He’d be better off with Jak or the naga. Anyway, that’s him. What can you tell me about the two elementals we bailed out?”

“Absolutely nothing. We kept them frozen until we got a few hundred miles north of Antarctica, then just dumped them both over the side. Ice melted them while they were in the water, then spoke to them himself. The way I figure, those two aren’t really important at the moment. No hosts, no power, late to the party, and we didn’t need to do any convincing since the numbers are already against them.”

“Good enough for me. Ice is looking for a host now. With luck, no one will agree to it and he’ll leave and be completely gone. He was interesting at first, but he’s gotten annoying.”

“He also saved your life,” Watcher said. “But yes, he seems very fascinated with making friends. And he’s also interested in you.”

“That’s the part that’s annoying. Anything else that I need to know?”

“The princess will want to know you’re alive and active. She was wanting to teleport down as soon as we got far enough north, but I suppose she doesn’t have to now. You should use Spike to send her a message.”

“I can add that to the massive list of shit I need to do, then. Man, getting lost underground in a place full of ghosts that want to kill or rape you is really inconvenient.”

Taya pressed up harder against my leg when I said that and Watcher pursed his lips. “Imagine how we feel,” he said. “Celestia would have been extremely upset if I had returned without even a corpse to show. This expedition might well have fallen apart without you to lead. I can keep Gourd’s crew and my troops together, but not the others.”

“Eh, you’d manage,” I replied with a shrug.

“I wouldn’t,” Taya quietly said. Great, something else I need to deal with. That’ll take more care, though.

“We would help you,” Watcher just as quietly answered. That’s a plus, I suppose.

“So, anything else?” I asked, hoping he’d just let me leave.

He looked down at my crotch and said, “That is sheer enough that I can see you’re wearing something pink underneath. You might want to—” I reached up my skirt with both hands and pulled the panties down and then off, thanking myself that I didn’t bother putting on shoes. Instead of expressing his disappointment with me in words, he very slowly facehoofed. “Never. Do that. Again,” he sighed after about fifteen seconds of silence.

“...Fair enough. I’m blaming the ghost for that one.”

“You have things to do,” Watcher said. “Go do them.”

“Yeah, that’s… that’s a good idea.” I wadded the panties up and walked out. When we got a few steps down the hall to my open room, I tossed them in.

Taya said, “Daddy, you have a problem.”

“I know, dear. I know. If you were Twilight, where would you be?”

“Studying Athena’s realm.”

“Then let’s go—” Before I could get any farther, someone hug tackled me from behind and then was immediately forced away from me and into the wall by Taya’s magic.

“Lemme go!” Dash shouted, struggling to get to me.

“Not until you learn not to tackle everyone!” Taya answered, using magic to pick me up off the floor and set me on my feet.

“Well maybe Nav should learn not to abandon us!”

“Given the choice,” I said, popping my neck, “I wouldn’t have. I went through fucking hell.”

“And you’re gonna tell me all about it!” Dash said, glaring at me. “You can’t get outta this one!”

“You’d be surprised at what I can and cannot do, my little Dashie,” I said, booping her on the nose. She nipped at me, just barely missing. “Now now, there’s no need for that,” I said, pulling my hand back. “I’m planning on telling some people some of what happened.”

“Oh no, you’re gonna tell me all of it!” Dash angrily said.

“Me too!” Taya added.

“We’ll see,” I said. “Either way, it’ll only be after I talk to Athena and then send Celestia a letter. So just chill.” I leaned in and hugged Dash, making sure my breasticles were pressed against her, then whispered, “And if you wanted a hug, all you had to do was beg.” Then I nibbled her ear slightly, making her gasp. When I pulled away from the hug, I started walking off. “Taya, you can drop her.”

Dash slid to the floor and Taya started following me to Twilight’s room, leaving Dash behind. Thankfully, she learned her lesson or had shaky legs, so she didn’t follow me. Since the ship wasn’t exactly very large, I made it to Twilight’s room quickly enough. Sure enough, Athena’s book was on a small pedestal in the middle of the room.

“Taya, wait here,” I said. “I shouldn’t be but a moment, and if anyone comes looking, you can tell them where I am.”

“...Alright, daddy,” she said.

“And if you see Spike walk by, hold him here. I still need to send a sexy letter.”

She gave me the flattest stare possible as I turned to the book. I walked over and opened it, almost wishing the tentacles reaching out would ravish me instead of just dragging me in. After all, it had been a while since I got laid…

Soon enough, I was in Athena’s realm, looking around at mounds and mounds of books and also Twilight’s ass as she bent over to study a rune carved into one of the shelves. Since I really wanted to get in and out of there quickly (if you know what I mean), I turned around and hopped over the rail down to the lower level, then used my wings to glide down.

Athena met me before I landed, looking up at me creepily as I did so. It wasn’t until I landed that I realized she had been staring up my skirt. “I see your new body is treating you well,” she said, reaching a hand out and rubbing at the ruffly skirt.

“I see you quite like my new body,” I shot back, shuddering slightly at her closeness. “Or do you stare at everyone’s privates?”

“If you are in such a hurry to show everything off, you should not complain when someone gazes upon it.”

“Who was complaining?” I asked, shrugging. “I like people looking, after all. It’s… flattering.”

Before I could even flinch, she was behind me, running her gloved hand over one of my wings and correcting feathers. “I will keep that in mind. Why are you here?”

“To ask a question, of course,” I answered, trying to hide my revulsion at her touch. “Did you kill that ghost in me?”

“The dead cannot be killed. They can be suppressed and ignored, fought and banished, but never killed. I know the method of banishment, but I know not if we were successful. Time will tell. Take the medicine Zecora gives you and come to me if there are any more problems.” She stopped molesting my wing and reappeared in front of me, leaning in very closely. “And Navarone?”

“...Yes?” I asked, surreptitiously leaning away from her.

“Don’t let Twilight in my world alone again. She is annoying.” With that, she waved her hand slightly and I appeared right behind Twilight, presumably so I could remove her from the premises. Since Athena could pop my head like a grape without even thinking about it, I decided helping her with her Twilight problem would be a wise idea.

So I reached out to Twilight’s flanks and grabbed her cutie marks, pulling her back into me. It just wasn’t the same without a dick to press against her, but it still felt nice. Especially when she jumped and her tail flinched, going up my skirt and pushing against me nicely. “Time to go, Twilight,” I happily said.

As soon as she heard my voice, she sighed and relaxed, hanging her head. “I thought you were… Never mind.” Her head turned my way and she smiled. “You’re finally awake!” And then she looked down, to where I was still holding her ass. “...So are you going to let me go?”

“You’re nice and squishy and it feels nice in my hands. Why would I want to let go?”

She pulled her tail free and slapped me with it, stepping away from me. “So why is it time to go?”

“Don’t you want to hear what happened?” I asked. “I’m only gonna tell the story once, and that once is coming soon.”

Her eyes opened wide and she nodded. “Everypo—one wanted to know!”

“Everyone?” I asked, smiling.

“Yes. Everyone. Now let’s go!” She happily hopped over to the book, using magic to drag me along behind her. When we got there, she looked back and the smile instantly disappeared. “Uh, Nav… Are you wearing… anything under that skirt?”

“Nope.” I reached up to the book and opened it, dragging us both through. Taya was sitting there, minding her own business, when Twilight and I stepped out of the book. I picked the book up and said, “Well, time to find Spike. Just got to send a quick letter, then I can finally get this demon off my chest.”

“...You ran into demons?” Twilight asked.

“Figure of speech,” I said, tousling her hair. “But yes. Sort of. You got any paper I can use?”

“Of course,” she said, using magic to hand me some paper and a pen. “I should probably also send the princess a letter. With everything that’s been happening, I haven’t even remembered to tell her you found another one of the elements.”

“I did what now?” I asked, using the pedestal the book had been on to write out a quick letter.

“You had the element of honesty in one of your pockets,” Twilight said. “Don’t you remember?”

“...No. What else did I have?”

“A broken flashlight, a weird metal collar around your neck, a letter in a language no one could read, even with a translation spell, and your weapons. Strange that you wouldn’t remember finding the element…”

“Did I have a rosary?” At her look of confusion, I added, “A cross?” Another blank look. “A… a necklace with beads and a shape like this.” I made a cross with my fingers.

“No, nothing like that,” she said, shaking her head. “The only necklace you had was the element.”

“...Weird. And you said the flashlight was broken?”

She nodded. “Completely shattered. I did a test on it to see what might have caused it. Whatever happened, it broke in the initial fall, or shortly after it. So I suppose it’s a good thing wherever you were was lit up.” What in the world?

“Right. What about the letter?”

“Well, we sent it to Princess Celestia to see if she could decipher it. If Aqua and Ice couldn’t do it, I figured nothing we could do would work. I’m sure she’ll let you see it when we get to Canterlot.”

“Yeah, probably. Well, my letter’s finished. You ready?”

She blinked in surprise, looking at the paper I was now holding. “I… how did you write while we were talking?”

“I’m good at multitasking, I guess. Now hurry up.” She rolled her eyes and started writing, which gave me a chance to look over my own letter.

‘Dear princess sweetcheeks, long time no see. Heard we’re coming by for a visit, so I got a quick question for you: You want me to make you my personal pretty pony pet again? Pick one: Yes, maybe. Love, your master.’

“Ready,” Twilight said, making me look up. She was using magic to place a pen aside and roll up her scroll that was probably full of ass-kissing, like usual.

Since I was going to try to pawn her off on someone else, I rolled mine up as well. “Great. You feel like carrying mine and yours to Spike, then? I’m feeling kinda tired all of a sudden, so I should probably get back to my room.”

“Oh, of course. Do you know where he is?”

“I told him to go up to the deck. It looked like he needed some air. And can you talk to him? He’s being weird again and I don’t really know what to do with him.”

“I noticed it too… I’ll speak to him, I guess. But don’t you start telling your story without me!”

Dammit. “Then talk to him later. I want to get this damn story told. And don’t invite anyone else. I don’t want many people to know about this.”

“...Alright. I know it’s probably painful for you, and I know you don’t like talking about yourself in the first place. I’ll see you in a few minutes, Nav.”

“And definitely don’t tell Spike. I don’t need him all over me, awkwardly trying to comfort me.” Then again, I don’t need anyone doing that.

“I just said I wouldn’t tell anypo—one. Now go on back to your room. You do look kinda pale.” That’s because I’m white, you racist bitch.

“See you in a few, then,” I said, stepping out of her room. She and Taya both followed me, since my room was closer to the exit to the deck than hers. Dash was, of course, sitting right in front of my room, glaring at me as I approached.

As soon as Taya and I entered, Dash followed us in and kicked the door shut. “So get talkin’,” she demanded. Then her eyes saw the lacy pink panties on my floor and she started blushing.

“See something you like?” I sensuously asked, running one of my fingers down her back.

“N-no!” she stammered, looking away.

“I’ll remember you like pink and lacy things,” I sweetly said, tossing Athena’s book onto my dresser and sitting on my bed. When she looked up at me with a scandalized expression, I opened my legs so she could get a good view and then made a show of crossing them, making it look like an accident. Her mouth dropped, of course, and I giggled. “Having a little trouble there, Dashie?” I asked.

Her ears flicked back and she started trying to look anywhere but me. Taya came to her rescue, sadly, and jumped up on my lap. “Daddy, stop teasing her,” she said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” I said, petting her. “I’m not doing a thing.”

“T-t-then start talking!” Dash said, regaining some of her bravado.

“Not quite yet,” I told her. “We still have one more guest joining us for my impromptu show. And Taya, not on the lap, please. I actually am feeling somewhat tired.” She sighed and moved over onto the bed as I pulled my legs up and onto it, then scootched back so I could sit with my back against the wall and my legs up. That let me get a good view of everyone and allowed me to pull a blanket up.

“Comfortable?” Taya asked. I patted the spot next to me and she hopped into it, happy to be close.

“I am now,” I said, putting my arm over her shoulder and pulling her close. She’s warm and comfortable to have nearby, so that was actually true.

“You want me on the other side?” Dash asked, smirking.

“Depends. Are you a loving daughter that wants to see me get better?” I asked.

“Well, I’m a loving daughter to someone… Though I haven’t seen either of my parents in a while.”

“You should do that when we get back. But there’s not enough room up here, so nah. Besides, I thought you liked being on the floor.”

She opened her mouth to angrily retort, but my door opened and Twilight walked in. “Oh, Rainbow Dash. Nav, I thought you said…?”

“She already had permission,” I told her, shrugging. “Close the door and let’s get started…”

I couldn’t and didn’t tell them everything, of course. There are, after all, some things that pony ears were just not meant to hear. That wouldn’t stop me from telling Celestia, but that would have to wait.

Of course, after I described the first vision, Dash and Twilight were both practically in my lap for trying to hug me. Taya had to summon me a magazine to slap them with every time they tried getting touchy-feely on me. Now, I know mares are extremely emotional and like to comfort or whatever, but hugs wouldn’t make me feel better.

Either way, it was a very riveting tale that none of the three of them probably should have heard. For better or worse, though, Taya didn’t seem to much care about Ava and Artyom’s fate and Dash wasn’t that into the girly romance stuff. Twilight was more interested in why they were trying to escape to the suicidally cold place. It’s good, because that was what I expected to be one of the most traumatic parts of what I told them.

When I finally finished my little story, Twilight immediately said, “Aqua says you didn’t tell the whole story.”

“You can tell Aqua that I know what she does to you at night when you’re sleeping, and if she wants it to stay quiet, she’ll learn to mind her place,” I replied with a smirk.

“...What?” Twilight slowly asked, her eyes going unfocused. “Aqua, what do you do to me at night?”

After a few seconds, I said, “Yeah, she would say that. Of course she doesn’t want you to know.”

“So what didn’t you tell us, mommy?” Taya asked, pulling slightly on my skirt with her magic. Twilight and Dash smirked.

“Maybe I missed the part where I get you fitted for silk panties,” I answered. Taya’s ears flicked back and she looked away. “Now girls, I’m tired,” I said. “I think we’re still south of the equator and I was kept awake for far too long on magic. You mind letting me get some rest?”

“I’m not gonna leave you alone,” Dash quickly said. “Not after that!”

“What, scared?” I asked. Her eyes narrowed and I knew I scored a hit. “I’ll be fine. I’m just tired and could really use some peace and quiet. It’s still early, but for my first day back, it’s been interesting.”

“You’re sure you’re alright?” Twilight asked.

“I probably never will be,” I answered with a shrug. “But you know I’m different, Twilight. I don’t deal with my problems like a pony would.”

“Yeah, you don’t deal with your problems!” Dash said, jumping to her hooves and glaring at me.

“No, I deal with them like a human,” I lied. “We’re different. Very different. And it’s time for one of those differences. So please, out you all go.”

Before I could stop them, both Twilight and Rainbow Dash stepped up to the bed and hugged me, adding their warmth to Taya’s. It felt strangely nice, so I didn’t mind returning the hugs.

After a few seconds, they both pulled away, though Twilight actually backed off first. “You’re gonna tell us the full story later, though,” Dash told me.

“We’ll see,” was my answer for that. There were several details I left out that wouldn’t have ended well, like the butcher and almost being raped.

“I can always just get Aqua to tell me,” Twilight said with a smile.

“I’m pretty sure Aqua agrees with Flo that there are some things that are better left unsaid,” I replied. “Now out, please.” They sighed and said some pointless farewells before walking out, leaving me with Taya. I put my hand on her and said, “You too, dear.”

“What? I’m staying right here, daddy!”

“Taya, I’m going to touch myself in ways that you aren’t allowed to see. So please, find something else to do for a few hours. I’m pent up and I need release, alright?”

“...Oh.” She sighed and hopped off the bed. “I’ll see you later, daddy.”

“I love you, dear,” I said as she walked out. She didn’t reply, just closed the door. “Am I a bad person for lying?” I asked, sliding forward onto the bed so I was laying down.

“You’re a bad person for a number of other reasons,” Flo said. “So you might as well add lying to the list.”

“I’m glad to know you’re so supportive of me,” I sighed, resting my eyes.

When a gentle knocking came at my door about half an hour later, I figured it was Spike coming to try to comfort me or some bullshit after hearing from Twilight what happened. As tempting as it was to tell whoever was there to fuck off, I instead chose to stay silent, hoping he or she would either think I was asleep or catch the hint.

The door gently opening taught me the error in that line of thought. Since I’m bad at learning from my mistakes, I kept my eyes closed and made sure my breathing was even and slow, so whoever it was would think I was asleep. When I didn’t hear any walking, but the door closed back, I assumed they left.

Once again, I was proven wrong. The sound of breathing right in front of my face made sure I realized that. I opened my eyes to reveal Pinkie floating above me. “That’s really creepy,” I quietly said. She silently fell to the bed, standing so that I was between her hooves. “...Pinkie?”

“Do you want to have sex?” she asked.

“Do you even need to ask?”

“Well, you were saying all those innuendos in the kitchen, but then there was that one time when you were using those and you didn’t want to have sex and then I felt bad and you were upset and… Well, Aerie says it’s much better to just ask.”

“She’s right. And I do. Is she going to be joining us?”

Pinkie’s lusty smile made me shiver under the blankets. “Oh no, I have you allll to myself…”

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f “sex is over” to skip)

Before I could say anything, she kicked the blankets aside and kissed me, almost instantly worming her deliciously sweet tongue into my mouth. While she kissed me, her hindlegs began pulling down my skirt, forcing it down between my legs. One of her forelegs started pulling my shirt up until she realized it was a button-down.

She gave up on that and pulled away, still smiling. “I want that off,” she quietly said, sliding down so she could continue removing my skirt. I immediately started undoing buttons, though she distracted me by kissing my right ankle once she got the skirt off. That was confusing, until her kisses started trailing up. Ankle, several on my shin, a few on my knee, and then she started working up to my inner thigh, each kiss leaving an electrifying tingle on my poor leg.

By the time I got the shirt off, she was teasing my honeypot, kissing and licking all around it but refusing to actually touch it. Her playful eyes peered up when I unbuttoned the bra and peeled it back, cursing myself for having to wear it and cursing her for not giving me what my body was now craving.

When she saw that my chest was now bare, she pulled herself up, rubbing her fur delightfully against my bare skin and putting her face right in front of me. Before I could tell her to get back to my cunt, she took one of my nipples in her mouth. Her tongue traced around it, making my breath hitch in surprise.

I reached my hand down to rub at one of her ears, but she pushed it away with a hoof, looking up at me with her hungry eyes as she continued to do gentle circles around my nipple with her tongue. That look told me she was taking control of this one, for better or worse.

After she made sure I understood where we were at, her foreleg moved to my other nipple. Not the actual hoof, but the fur. She used that to caress me, making the sensitive bud point straight up and making me bite my lip to try to stifle any sounds.

One of her back legs started doing the same thing to my wet clam, though it made sure to rub just the fur over it, leaving me with no actual stimulation. I groaned in response, struggling to move myself down to feel her truly pressed against me. Her leg pulled back every time I tried, though that didn’t stop me. What did stop me was the feeling of her blunt teeth pushing against my nipple, the pressure increasing slightly every time I tried to resist.

After a few attempts, I just gave up, whimpering slightly at the growing need I felt in me. Of course, that made her giggle and push up slightly with her back leg, making me arch my back slightly at the increased stimulation.

With her tongue around my nipple and the soft teasing she was doing down low, I was already starting to pant. It had been so long since I felt anything like it, but all I knew at the moment was that I needed her to do more.

I opened my mouth to tell her, but before a word could leave my lips, she quickly pulled up and kissed me, grinding her wet slit onto my stomach. I moaned into her mouth, trying to tell her, but she giggled in response and pulled back just enough to get at my ear. “I want to hear you beg,” she softly whispered.

“Please…” I weakly answered, moving one of my hands down to try to give myself some manner of relief.

She saw that and grabbed it, pulling it up to her face and sucking slightly on the fingers. “Please what?” she asked, looking me in the eyes.

Why do they always make me spell it out? “Please fuck me…”

She let my hand go and quickly kissed me on the nose before sliding back down my body. Despite myself, I cried out when she finally took my clit into her mouth, treating it like she had my nipple. When she heard that, she gave it a very hard suck, making my back arch back even more. She pulled away from my little nub and gave my clam a lick from the bottom all the way up to the top, ending with the clit again.

My hands gripped at the bedsheets as she did that several times, making me grind my crotch against her. It felt amazing and she definitely knew how to treat a girl, but she was still teasing me, refusing to get inside me.

Well, it worked once… “Inside!” I begged.

“Because you asked so nicely,” she said, using her front legs to reach under me and grab my ass, pulling me into her face so I couldn’t get away. When her tongue finally pierced my folds, I didn’t want to get away from her. As pent up as I had been and as badly as she had been teasing me, I instantly came, releasing a small amount of fluids into her awaiting mouth. She pulled away, licking her lips. “So soon?” she teased, smirking. “My my, we’ll have to keep practicing…”

“So… nice,” I panted, trying to ride the waves of pleasure tearing through me as long as possible. With her so suddenly pulling back like that, it was hard. The afterglow left me smiling, though. “So what’s next, mistress?” I asked, rubbing at one of my nipples.

Her playful smile turned more into a smirk as she pulled a strap-on out of nowhere. “I’m gonna take you for a ride!” she replied.

“Will you be gentle?” I asked, eyeing the large stallion toy with some amount of concern.

She leaned in close for another small kiss before moving back next to my ear again. “No.”

My smile very quickly matched her own.

(“sex is over”)

Nearly an hour later, Pinkie and I lay on the bed, trying and failing to catch our breaths. One thing I quickly learned from her is that multiple orgasms are absolutely amazing. Being a girl still sucked, but at least the sex wasn’t horrible. “I think… I think Zecora might say something… about too much exertion,” I panted.

“Well… we can invite her next time… She can watch and… make sure you don’t do too much…”

“I think she’s taken,” I sighed, putting one of my arms around Pinkie and pulling her close to my naked body. We were both covered in sweat, though it was more visible on me.

“We can invite Watcher, too,” she said, smiling her cute little smile.

“...Nah.” I kissed her on the nose. She lifted her head, trying to make it a more personal kiss, but I pulled back. “This was fun,” I said.

“We can always go again,” she whispered, her fluffy tail moving to a place that felt quite good.

“No, no,” I said, letting her go and rolling onto my back. “Too tired…” She sighed and hugged me tighter, not answering.

So we were like that when Spike walked in about a minute later, holding a plate of some kind of food. That plate immediately fell to the floor when he caught sight of us. My legs were open and facing the door, the toys we used were scattered about the room, Pinkie was still winking and rather visible, and the smell in the room could only be described as musky.

Needless to say, it was obvious we had sex.

Pinkie and I both looked up when the door opened, so we got to see the look on Spike’s face very quickly change from one of joy to one of abject horror, followed by the food tray hitting the floor. By the time the clatter from that ceased, Pinkie had the blankets over the two of us.

“So uh… what do you need?” I slowly asked, not really sure how to handle it. I mean, Spike had seen me naked plenty of times, but I don’t think he had ever walked in on me like that.

“You… Pinkie… Did… did you…?”

“Yep,” I answered, nodding. His ear spines shot down. “Several times. So what do you need?”

His mouth moved a few times, but nothing came out. When it finally looked like he was going to have some kind of success, my pretty little maid pushed past him. “Master! You’re finally awake!” She jumped over to my bed and hugged me through the blanket.

I smiled and rubbed her head, hugging her back. “Sure am, Doppel. Sorry I didn’t invite you, but Pinkie didn’t give me much of a choice.”

“Oh, it’s okay. There’s always next time! Hey Spike, you just gonna stand there?” The growing redness on his face made it seem that he really didn’t know how to take what he was seeing. The growing redness between his legs meant a certain part of him did. “Uh… Spike?” She pointed down at it.

His head slowly moved down to look at where she pointed. As soon as he realized he was getting hard, his face turned much more red and his head jerked back up. Both of his claws moved forward to cover himself and he turned away, trying to hide it. “IHAVETOGO!” With that, he dashed off toward his room.

“What has gotten into him recently?” I quietly asked.

“He’s a teenager,” Pinkie answered with a shrug. “And you can definitely smell what we did. Given his dragon nose… Well, you’re lucky he didn’t just come in here and ravage you himself!”

“...Why me?” I asked, almost dreading the answer.

“Because he likes you, duh!” Doppel answered. “You’re his best friend. I can always taste the happiness when he’s around you. So he’d want to ravage you so you can both be happy!”

“Weird. Well, let me up, Doppel. Someone has to clean up the mess he left.” Thankfully, he didn’t bring soup, but I still couldn’t just leave it in front of the door.

“I’ll get it, master!” she happily said, using her wings to buzz off me. “That’s my job, after all. And besides,” she said, looking over her shoulder and smirking. “I can tell you need the rest.”

“Thanks, then,” I said, leaning back. After so long of not being able to use her because of Kumani, I had forgotten what it was like to have a maid. To put it short: It was nice. Especially when she decided to flick her tail out of the way when she bent over to pick up Spike’s mess.

Yep, I thought to myself as I pulled Pinkie in close under the blankets, both of us molesting Doppel with our eyes. It’s good to be back.

Chapter One Hundred and Fourteen—Homecoming

Chapter One Hundred and Fourteen—Homecoming

Of course, like it or not, I could only avoid actual work for so long. Lounging around with Pinkie and Doppel was somewhat fun, especially after what I had been through, but I needed to deal with the miners and I needed to get some fresh air.

Because of that, I shooed Pinkie off after another few minutes of resting. Doppel had already departed with Spike’s mess, so I didn’t have to get rid of her. After the intense exertion Pinkie put me through, I realized most of the wounds I had were superficial, so I removed the bandages and took a quick shower to remove the musky smell.

Since Taya wasn’t around for me to torture this time, I dressed much more professionally, putting on my big girl panties (stark white, though also silk since that’s all Rarity had). I also made sure to put on some long pants and a shirt, deciding to skip the bra since I didn’t expect to be doing all that much. Finally, I strapped a dagger to my side.

When I was good and ready, I strode out of my room and knocked on Taya’s door. It seemed that she had been waiting, because as soon as my knuckles touched the door, magic tossed it open. “Ready to go, daddy,” she said, happily noting my lack of a skirt or blouse.

“How did you even know that was me?” I asked.

“You’re the only one that knocks so high on the door,” she answered with a shrug.

“Well, I’m feeling a lot better now. Guess there were just a few aftershocks left from that ghost thing, or something. Anyway, I have some people I need to talk to. You can come with me, if you want.”

“Like I said, ready to go,” she answered, stepping out of her depressingly bare room and closing the door with her magic.

“You ever think about taking up painting?” I asked as we started walking toward the smithy.

“Why painting?”

“To put some life in your room. It’s pretty empty at the moment.”

“...I guess. Maybe I can do something with magic?”

“Maybe. Anyway, this is our first stop.” There were a few miners waiting outside the smithy’s door, presumably for minor fixes on tools or something. Since I technically owned the damn place, I walked right on in like it.

Smiles was sitting on the floor, a strange look on his face. I didn’t want any part of that, so I just started walking past him to Jak’s door. He didn’t let me get there, though. “Ice wants to talk to you,” Smiles said.

“Then I’ll find him after I talk to Jak,” I said.

“No need to wait,” Smiles said, blinking. When he opened his eyes again, they were blue instead of the normal gold of a batpony. Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

“I found a host!” Ice happily said, smiling. “Having four legs is strange, but I can get used to anything.”

Great. Two weirdos in one little package. “Well, you found your host. What did you want to talk about?”

“Well, mostly just to tell you I found a host. But now that I have a body… There are so many things I want to try! Can we have sex?” Direct, much? Taya and I were both rather taken aback by that.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked.

“Hey, you and Sunny said the same thing!” He stopped for a moment, his eyes going unfocused. “Oh… OH!” Just like that, his eyes went gold again.

“Sorry about that, sir,” Smiles awkwardly said, looking away and rubbing at his neck. “He’s uh… really curious. About everything.”

“If you can stomach the thought of your body being sullied by a girl, find Doppel and put that curiosity to rest. If he starts asking random people on the ship if they want sex, I’m going to have to crack down on you since I can’t do anything to him.”

“...Yes sir,” he sighed, still not looking at me.

“Part of taking one of these things into your head is working out a partnership,” I said. “He is usually there to help you, not the other way around. Remember that, and don’t let him get you in trouble. I suggest not giving him control until he understands how things work, or at least won’t make a damn fool of himself.”

“I will definitely be doing that,” he said, nodding.

“Good. Is Jak in his room?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t want anypony to see what he’s working on. Especially you.”

“You see, when you say that, it makes it sound like he’s working on something overly dangerous,” I said, crossing my arms.

His ears flicked back and he looked away again. “Can you… not do that?” he asked. “It uh… it makes me feel weird.”

I rolled my eyes and stopped pushing up my boobs. “Fine. Tell Jak I stopped by to ask about his golem.”

“Oh, that? He already has the body finished up on deck. He was just a few runes away from finishing it when he got a special request.”

“...Then why the hell did he stop? Unless this request is helping the ship, I want him finishing that damn golem. The sooner he gets it done, the sooner he can start making more. Then the next time we get boarded by spiders, we all hide belowdecks while the iron golems wreck shit.”

“I’ll be sure to let him know, but I don’t think he’ll agree. It isn’t every day he gets to work with… materials like these.”

“Whatever. Tell him quickly. I have other shit to do today.”

“Er, alright. Say, what happened while you were gone, anyway? I don’t think anypony knew…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Already told the story once and don’t feel like telling it again.”

Taya decided to chime in, sadly. “He was in an underground bunker haunted by cursed humans that hated him for being alive and wanted to kill him so he’d be there forever like them.”

“That’s the short version, yes,” I sighed, hoping Smiles wouldn’t think hugging me would be a good idea. He did start leaning up, but I put a hand on his head before he could do anything. “Remember what I told you about hugs, Smiles?”

“...That you aren’t a pony?” he slowly asked.

“Correct.” He stopped straining against my hand, thankfully, so I let him go.

As soon as I did, he jumped up and hugged me. “But I am,” he whispered with a giggle.

Since he was on his hind legs to hug me, that meant his balance was currently very messed up. I used that knowledge and grabbed him, spinning my body around and making him fall. He almost dragged me down with him, but his lack of fingers made escaping his grasp easy.

“Don’t forget to tell Jak,” I said as Taya and I left the room. He was too busy rubbing at his newly aching head to respond.

When we were walking down the hall toward our next target, Taya asked, “Was that really necessary, daddy? You don’t mind when I hug you!”

“That’s because you’re adorable and not obnoxious. Smiles is only occasionally adorable and almost always obnoxious, so getting hugs from him is usually annoying.”

“Oh.” Before we could go any further, she hopped up and hugged me, wrapping her front legs around my waist.

“Really, Taya?”

One of the miners in the hall snorted and said, “Well, you were kinda asking for it.”

I sighed and knelt down to hug her back. After a few seconds of hugging, she let me go and we continued walking. “And daddy?”

“Yes, dear?” I sighed.

“I am not adorable.”

“Are too,” I replied. “The cutest filly out there. And every time you say you’re not, you get even cuter. So just remember that.”

She snorted quietly and muttered something under her breath, so I made sure to tousle her hair before knocking on the door we were now standing in front of.

A somewhat irate Crabapple answered a few seconds later. “Oh, you’re awake. What do you want?” she asked.

“I was mostly wondering if your company would try to back out of the contract since you guys didn’t find anything.”

“Contracts are legally binding,” she coldly answered. “The job of you and your crew was to protect us while we conducted preliminary mining operations. Your crew protected us while we conducted preliminary mining operations. The board will be very disappointed that we didn’t find what we were looking for and that we lost a few miners, but you will be paid.”

“Excellent. Did Watcher tell you about the Crystal Empire?”

“He did not.”

“Well, you got the ship outfitted for cold weather journeys, now. You might want to turn your eyes north instead of south. There’s a new pony city up there and they have absolutely no way of mining or obtaining much of anything, save for importation. Tell your board if they want to recoup their losses, they could look for jobs up there.”

“I will do so. We’ll need to do something after this disaster. Is there anything else you need?”

“Nope, I’m good. Though if you could ask your miners to stop crowding the hall, that would be nice.”

“We’re passing the equator and it’s blindingly hot out there. You might not notice it…” her eyes flicked to my mostly hairless arms, “...but we do. I can tell them to go outside, but after what they just saw and had to go through, I think it’s fair they have some time to relax.”

“True enough. And there’s nothing going on right now, so they’re not too much in the way.” I shrugged. “Whatever. That’s all I needed.”

“Then I shall speak to you later.” With that, she closed her door.

“Did you know we were passing the equator?” I asked as I started walking to the door leading to the deck.

“I haven’t been on deck since we left,” Taya replied. “And I didn’t really care where we were.”

“Well, I’m certainly tired of being cooped up inside,” I said. “If it gets too hot for you, go inside.”

“I managed just fine before, the first few times we passed it. And after so long in the cold, this’ll be nice.”

We were already heading up the stairs, so it’s not like I was going to stop her. Thankfully, the deck was nice and shady since there was a giant balloon over us, so I didn’t have to worry about wincing too badly from the sun. Because of that, I was able to quickly glance around to discover who all was on the deck. Namely, Ames, some of the crew, some of the miners, Gourd, and Kat and Spider were scaling the masts.

Ames was at the front of the ship facing forward, so he hadn’t seen me yet. I didn’t want to deal with him at the moment, so I went up the stairs to the wheel to talk to Gourd.

“Finally awake?” he asked when he saw me coming up.

“Figured I was pretty enough to stop beauty sleeping,” I answered with a shrug. “Heard the ship had some problems.”

“You heard right. But we’re flying steady. Watcher’s plan was that we’d stay in Canterlot for a few weeks. Is that still the plan?”

“Yep. Plenty of time to get this thing fixed, right?”

“Oh yeah. Now that we’re out of the snow, we’re fine. Just don’t ask me to push the engines that hard.”

“Certainly not planning on it. If we have to, we can get Dash and Smiles to bust up clouds for us so we don’t have to work too hard.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue, but I’ll let you know if it is. How long are we planning on stopping when we let these miners off?”

“Just long enough to drop them off and get paid. I kinda wanted to stay longer, but honestly, I’d rather be home. Or at least, to as close a home as I’ve had for years.”

“Understandable. It’ll give the girls a chance to spend some time with their families before they have to go off again, too.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. I’m gonna see what I can do about leaving them behind. They’ve been useful, but they really don’t belong with us.”

“That they don’t. How do you plan on convincing Celestia?”

“Hopefully by fucking her silly. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to resort to trying to reason with her, and that just doesn’t work on women.”

“Remember what you are now, mommy,” Taya somewhat unhappily said.

“Hey, when have I ever been reasonable?” I asked. She huffed and looked away. “Alright then. I wouldn’t be surprised if I couldn’t convince her. If not, oh well. If so, awesome. How much do you think fixing the ship will cost?”

“Dunno for sure. Few hundred bits, maybe?”

“Well, my plan was to give you what you needed to fix the ship from the money we’re getting from the contract and split the rest up among the others. I ended up not being there to help defend, so I don’t get any of it.”

“Well, that’s hardly your fault…” he said.

“I also don’t need any of it. Didn’t earn it and don’t need it means the others get it. I’ll leave it up to Watcher to divvy out, since he was the one in charge and knows who earned it.”

“Seems fair to me. So what happened to you, anyway?”

“Fell down a deep hole and found some things that wanted me dead. Story of my life, you know?”

“Yes, I know how you feel,” he quietly said. We shared a silence over past pains for a moment before he asked, “Still, I gotta know, what left that weird burn across your face?”

“Either acid or steam. I don’t know which you’re talking about, since they’re all mostly gone now.” Thank you, Flo.

“You didn’t mention acid in your story, daddy,” Taya said.

“I didn’t want Dash or Twilight to know. I ran into some more… solid things down there, other than ghosts. One was a butcher that had acid for blood and wanted to put me on the menu. The steam came later, when I was running away from a slaver or something that wanted to put me on a leash.”

“...I think that place should be forgotten,” Gourd slowly said.

“I think that place should be destroyed,” I replied. “That’s something else I need to talk to Celestia about. But I definitely don’t want anyone going down there. If they almost killed me… Well, I don’t want to know what they’d do to a pony.”

“I doubt the princess wants to find out, either. She’ll probably just quarantine the whole area and blame it on the undead we found.

“Good riddance, though I feel bad for the troops that’ll have to quarantine the place.”

“If she found troops willing to guard Tartarus for the rest of their lives, I imagine she can find a few that won’t mind the cold that much.”

Before I could ask him about the Tartarus troops, a large hand on my shoulder cut me off. “Human, we need to talk,” the naga quietly said.

Oh boy, here we go. “I’ll talk to you later, Gourd.”

“Of course, Nav. Have a good… talk.” Just like that, the naga put his other hand on my other shoulder and picked me up, slithering back down the stairs.

“This is really unnecessary, you know,” I sighed, crossing my arms as he carried me down into the ship.

“I was told you were tired before, so I did not disturb you. You seem fine now, but I will not allow you to tire yourself before we may speak.” It seemed he was carrying me down into his room for some nefarious purpose. Taya was still following me, though, so I knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything too bad.

“So what do we need to speak about?” I asked as we crossed the threshold into his chamber. He set me on his bed and closed his door before answering.

“A few things, starting with what happened to you. What happened to you?”

“Fell down an elevator shaft into a haunted human bunker where almost everything wanted to kill me.”

“And you fought them?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t be alive right now without your training, yeah. They did not like my enchanted blade.”

“And yet you were injured.”

“I was down there for almost a fucking week, fighting every step of the way. No shit I was injured. Those motherfuckers didn’t just attack me. They attacked my mind. Gave me flashbacks. Made me do things… In my mind, I opened a present next to my sister. In real life, I was arming an explosive that went off before I could get far enough away. In my mind, I was given a cup of coffee. In real life, it was acid. Mannequins shot raw pain into my mind. That place was hell.”

“A hell you should not have had to venture through alone, Cain,” Ames slowly replied, putting his hand back on my shoulder.

“Should and would build no bridges, Ames,” I coldly replied. “Many things that shouldn’t have happened did and many things that should have happened didn’t. The past is the past. Focus less on what should be and focus more on what you’ll do in the future.”

“It was my job to protect you. And once again, I failed.”

“A lot of people seem to think that their job is to ‘protect’ me, like I’m some kind of damsel in distress. Yeah, I get into problems. There are times when I need help. But I think I’ve done more than enough on my own, protected myself more than enough times, to know I don’t need a damn guard. At least, not all the time. You’re free to continue protecting me, since I know it’s an honor thing with you. But don’t expect me to go out of my way to accommodate you.”

“I don’t. You are, after all, a warrior. Your survival attests to that. But even warriors have battle-brothers. Or…” His eyes flicked to Taya for a moment. “...battle-sisters or daughters. I would like to be by your side in any situation you expect danger. Truly, I grow weary of light duty. The fight against the undead warmed my blood, but most of that trip was mind-numbingly dull. At least with you, I wouldn’t have been bored.”

“If you had been with me, it’s likely neither of us would have survived,” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “I don’t think you can climb ladders or fit into some of the places I had to go. In an open battlefield, I would gladly have you by my side. But something like that? You would have no place in that kind of fight, Ames. Besides, I had no food or water the entire week I was down there. You can’t tell me you would have survived that.”

“...Perhaps. What did you have to fight?”

“A few skeletons, a demonic butcher with a knife for a hand, several ghouls, a demon dog, and a slave-master. Mostly, it was me running the fuck away or finding other problems.”

“Retreat is… a viable option at times. Especially when your opponents are already dead. Did you have any trouble with them?”

“Yeah. One on one, or with just me against a small number, it’s not that bad. But one against five is fucking hard. They ganged up on me like that a few times and did a lot of damage.”

“Then I will have to find some way to simulate group fights for you. Truthfully, if you find yourself in a situation like that, retreat is the best option. One warrior cannot fight several if the several are working as a group. But you can increase your awareness and your reflexes to make surviving possible, at least. Any other problems?”

“Fighting without being able to see. I got blinded by blood, once.”

“If you can’t see, all you can do is rely on sound and hope you are lucky. There is no way of practicing for that.”

What, no Jedi-like warrior tricks you can show me? So much for being true warriors or whatever. “At least I’m not alone, then,” I said. “Other than those, I didn’t really have much trouble with fighting. No one I dealt with down there really knew how to fight well in melee.”

“At least it gives me some idea of where to take your training now. You’ve learned most of what you can learn from me.”

“Well, at least there’s that. You need to talk about anything else?”

“I do. I trust you have learned by now that Kumani has departed?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t too surprised.”

“Then you know that now you can begin your search for a proper mate. A proper male mate.”

“I’m not having this discussion with you, Ames,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “First, I’m staying away from relationships for a while, if possible. Second, I’m still a guy and I still very much prefer the touch of a female. Third, there are absolutely no guys on the ship I could go for and not have it be weird. You’re married, so that’s out. Smiles is gay. Jak’s far too old and I think he’s also married. Watcher’s far too old, he’s with someone, and he’d probably immediately leave if I even tried asking him. The crew and the soldiers are off limits. Spider’s a kid and a fucking spider. Spike knows full well I’m a guy and I knew him when he was a kid anyway, so that would be creepy. So fuck that shit.”

“...I see. And your carnal relations? I assume those will not continue?”

“What I do in the bedroom is none of your business, Ames. I’m done talking about this. Is there anything else you need?”

“...No.”

“We’ll probably be passing by your clan’s home on the way to Canterlot. If you want, we can drop you off as well so you can spend that time with your family. That’s what I suggest, because I’m not planning on leaving Canterlot or the ship that often and I have a feeling you’d get bored.”

“I will think about it. I trust you would pick me up before continuing the journey?”

“Yeah. Get me an answer before we get there.”

“I will.”

“Good. Then I’m going back to the deck. I need some fresh air.”

“I suppose I shall stay down here and try reading again, though it is rather difficult.”

That reminded me that he had trouble in the past with it. “What exactly are your problems?” I asked. “Do you have trouble seeing things that are up close?”

“No. The words… do not read correctly. The letters are jumbled, strangely ordered. I’ve always had trouble.”

“You might have dyslexia, dude. Are the letters out of order?”

“That is what I just said.”

“Yeah, sounds like dyslexia…”

“So there is a name for it. How do I cure it?”

“Not a fucking clue. I’ll do some research, see what I can find.” I wouldn’t be surprised if a certain laptop has the information.

“It does,” Flo whispered.

“It would be appreciated. There is little else to do on this blasted boat.”

“Then I suppose I shall see you later,” I said, standing. He didn’t reply as Taya and I left.

A few days later, we were pulling into the city to drop the miners and Crabapple off. They were all very happy to get away from our ship, and most of us were very happy to have them gone. It meant more room on the ship for us and less wait time at the kitchen.

It also meant we were getting paid, and word had somehow leaked out that I was planning on giving everything to the crew and troops. Since they all knew we were headed to Canterlot for a few weeks, the morale on the ship was higher than usual, not that many of them showed it.

Crabapple, Watcher, and I were all in Watcher’s office that last day as her miners gathered up all their shit and started unloading. “So how we gonna get paid?” I asked, leaning against the wall somewhat awkwardly. “Five thousand coins is pretty heavy.”

“Well, coins are the currency,” she said. “Unless you feel like converting it to salt, as if anypony would ever accept that here.”

“Two of my troops can carry it easily enough,” Watcher said. “Or one, with magic.”

“Send Spike and a few pegasi,” I said with a shrug. “He can carry it, they can fly interference. Where they picking it up?”

“I will fly with them to the bank,” she answered. “And with that, our business will be concluded, unless you wish to extend your contract as our private military.”

“Not interested,” Watcher and I both said. I continued, “Our interests happened to coincide. Nothing personal, but we’re not really cut out for defense. And fuck the cold. If I ever see snow again, it’ll be too soon.”

“Agreed,” she answered, shivering slightly. “There is one more matter that I need to discuss before I depart. One of the stipulations of the contract was a nondisclosure agreement. If a reporter asks you what work you did for us, what will you tell them?”

“I’ll ask him what the fuck he’s smoking,” I said with a smile. “If someone wants to ask me about the work I did for you instead of what happened with Luna, that reporter’s a stupid piece of shit. And then I’ll tell him that if he doesn’t stop asking me questions and get out of my sight, I’ll find an excuse to have him arrested.”

“...I see now why reporters had a hard time quoting you,” Watcher said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “My team and I are used to dealing with reporters. They’ll be no problem for us. Besides, we’re going across the country as soon as we get our money anyway, and we’ll probably be gone from there before word even hits anyone about our part in your… venture. We’ll be sure to remind the others to stay silent.”

“Excellent. Aside from your payment, that is everything. It was a pleasure doing business.” She sounded more relieved than anything. After being in her position, I could certainly understand that.

“If you’ll just wait on deck, we’ll have some troops meet you,” I told her. “Shouldn’t take too long.”

“I will need to remove some bags from my room anyway. I’ll meet your soldiers topside.” She turned to go, but stopped, then turned back. “This may be… preemptive, but are you hiring? After this debacle, getting away from this coast might be wise.”

“We’re a mercenary company,” I said, crossing my arms. “Unless you’ve been hiding some impressive fighting skills this entire time, I don’t think you match our required skillset.”

“...Very well.”

“We will, however, offer you a free ride to Canterlot,” I said. “Least I can do, for getting us a contract like that. And I can put a good word in with the princess for you, if you want. No promises, but at least you’re not on this coast anymore.”

“That would be… more than acceptable. Hopefully it won’t be required. I will know within a few hours, if you’re going to be in town that long.”

I looked at Watcher, to find him staring at me with a somewhat similar expression. “Think we can wait a few to get some supplies?” I asked. “Gotta be low on food after that.”

“We are and I think we can. Let some of the troops and crew put their hooves on land again.”

“I’ll tell Gourd. You get Spike and some pegasi to the deck to pick up the money.”

“Understood.”

I looked back to Crabapple, who was wearing what was probably the first real smile I had seen on her face the entire time I knew her. “You don’t get word to us by… oh, nine or so, we’re leaving.”

“Of course. I understand a full schedule. Thank you, Lady Navarone.”

“No problem. Just please don’t ever call me Lady again.”

“Very well. Until tonight, then. Maybe.”

“See you later,” I said, nodding. She finally left, heading down the hall to her room.

“We could use a manager,” Watcher said.

“To do what?” I asked. “We have a supply officer. We have you, me, and Gourd. If we ever need a public relations officer, I can turn on the charm and I’m sure even you could put a smile on that dour face. We don’t need another mouth to feed, we don’t need another civilian, and we definitely don’t need someone like her on board for longer than necessary.”

“All true points. And I suppose helping her get a job in Canterlot would be better for her in the long run. Anyway, we have things to do. Go talk to Gourd.”

“And you go find Spike and some troops,” I said as I walked on out. He didn’t reply, not that I would have really stopped to listen. Or could have stopped to listen, since the ship was actually bustling with activity again. Most of the miners had done their best to get off the ship as quickly as possible since it was kind of starting to stink from a bunch of mostly unwashed guys everywhere, but plenty were stuck dealing with luggage and equipment that they needed to pull out of storage. Thankfully, Gourd’s almost always on the deck during the day.

Sure enough, that’s where I found him this time. He was watching over the miners as they went about their jobs, making sure none of them broke anything topside. “You need something?” he gruffly asked me when I approached.

“We’re staying here a little longer than planned,” I told him. “Decided it might be wise to stock up on supplies. And we might be taking a passenger to Canterlot.”

“If we’re taking one, you mind if I put out word that we’re taking passengers in general? Fast and well-protected airships can make some good money pulling fares.”

“Go for it. I want to be gone at nine, though. And no fucking reporters. Apparently part of the contract we signed was a nondisclosure agreement, so I don’t want any of the crew talking to reporters.”

“Got it. We’re used to giving them the runaround, after… how we obtained the ship.”

“I could see Celestia wanting to keep that under wraps. You know where the supply officer is?”

“Yeah. I’ll go talk to him, tell him to get looking. It’ll give me a chance to put out a quick bulletin about passengers.”

“Make sure you tell him to be back by nine.”

“Of course, Nav. We want to get to Canterlot just as much as you seem to. I’ll go find him right now. You might want to get back below, though. You’re lookin’ kinda… pale.”

“I just spent over a month inside with no sun. My skin colors with melanin, which needs sun to get darker. I’ll be pale until I get more sun.”

“Ah. We…” he looked back over himself, at all of his fur. “...don’t have that.” He looked back to me and smiled. “Just do me a favor and drink some water, then. We all know you went through some trouble and you don’t want to worry anyone by passing out on us.”

“Water’s always good,” I said with a shrug. “Just go talk to the supply guy.”

“Yep. See you later, Nav.”

“See you.” He started walking off and I turned to go to the side of the ship. When I turned, I found Rainbow Dash and Gilda right in front of me.

“We couldn’t help but overhear…” Dash started.

“...That we’re staying here for a while,” Gilda finished with a smirk.

“You have until nine,” I said, crossing my arms. Dash’s eyes moved in on my breasts, which got pushed up when I crossed my arms. They still weren’t overly substantial, even with that boost, but I wasn’t wearing a bra at the moment, so they were more noticeable. “My eyes are up here, Dash,” I said.

“I’ve made my choice,” she replied, still looking.

“Ugh. Do whatever you’re doing quickly,” I said, turning away. “I’ll wait if I have to, but I’ll sic Pinkie and Applejack on both of you if you make us wait.”

“Don’t you worry,” Gilda said, grabbing Dash’s tail and spreading her wings. “When have we ever let you down?” I just snorted and started walking away. She took that as her cue to jump up and fly off, dragging Dash with her.

Before I could go to the side of the deck, another voice called me. “Hey Nav!” I rolled my eyes and turned to Spike, who was on deck with three of the batpony pegasus guards.

“What do you need?” I asked, walking over to him.

“Do you know what we’re doing?” he asked. “Watcher just told me to get up on deck, but he didn’t say why.”

“You’re following Crabapple and then picking up a package,” I told him. “A very important package. Way we figured, having a dragon to help protect it on the way back was a good idea. As badass and scary as batponies are, their reputation isn’t as solid outside of Canterlot as that of dragons.”

“If it’s so important, then why aren’t you going?” Spike asked.

“Psh. Because I have people to send instead of me. Perks of being in charge, man. Hey, when you four get back, feel free to head into town if you want. We’re leaving at nine, so you have a few hours off if you want.”

The three guards smiled at that, but Spike blinked a few times. “What about you?” he asked. “Are you uh… ‘going to town’?”

“Nah. Oh, and while you’re gone, don’t tell anyone about what we found down there and don’t tell anyone about the miners.”

“Didn’t you sign an NDA?” one of the guards asked.

“Exactly.”

“NDA?” Spike asked.

“Nondisclosure agreement. It means you’re not allowed to talk about what happened. So don’t talk about what happened. And there’s Crabapple now, so listen to her. Nightshade, don’t you have seniority?”

“Yes sir,” she said, nodding.

“Then if Watcher didn’t put anyone in charge, it’s you. That package is your pay, so make sure it gets back here.”

That got all three of the guards smiling again, so she nodded and happily said, “You got it, sir.” The three of them started walking toward Crabby, who was coming out on deck and blinking slightly at the brightness now that our balloon wasn’t blocking the sun.

Spike, however, was not. “We’re getting the gold?” he asked, his voice incredulous.

“Keep your fucking voice down,” I said, not wanting any of the miners to hear it. Most probably wouldn’t give a fuck or even be paying attention, but I wasn’t about to put it past any of them to want five thousand bits. “Go talk to Crabapple, not me. That’s an order, Spike.”

“I’m not a soldier!”

“Then I guess you don’t want a soldier’s pay?” He blinked a few times before sighing and walking over to Crabapple. Whatever his problem was, he needed to get it fucking sorted.

A few minutes after I got to the side of the ship, Ames slithered up next to me. “You don’t want me going with the troops to get the money?” he asked.

“Did you suddenly sprout wings?” I asked, not looking back.

“Fair enough.” He pushed something into my side. “Then we have plenty of time to practice.” I shrugged and took the practice sword he was holding for me. I didn’t have time to put on armor, but really, I didn’t need it that much anymore. After so much practice so often, I learned the most important lesson of all when it comes to sword fighting: How to not get hit.

Not that it’s worth much to any of you bastards that are reading this (I’ll fucking cut you), but I suggest against trying to fight like that without a bra. I used the arrival of the large bag of bits as an excuse to call it quits, not that Ames was overly sympathetic with that. I pulled the rank card again to make him shut up.

When they landed, two of the guards were holding the very large bag of money between them. All the miners were gone at that point and the ship was clear, so I wasn’t too worried when the bag made a very obvious clinking noise when it hit. “Where do you want these, sir?” one of the ones carrying it asked, panting slightly.

“I’ll take care of it,” I said. “You’re all dismissed.”

“You’re… you’re not going to carry that yourself, right?” Nightshade slowly asked. “I mean, no offense, but…”

“That’s what he’s for,” I said, jerking a thumb at the naga.

“Why not me?” Spike asked as Ames moved forward to grab the large bag.

“No offense to you, Spike, but you’re a dragon. I saw how you got around my gold hoard at home.”

“I can control myself!” he shot back, taking a step forward.

“I know you can. But you don’t wave a steak in front of a starving man, no matter how loyal he is. The naga can carry it just fine.” I turned to Ames and said, “Let’s go find Watcher.”

“That won’t be a hard search,” he grunted, following me. “It seems he’s always in his room.”

“When you get to be his age, you’ll understand,” I said. Spike was grumbling behind me and almost definitely watching us walk away. I didn’t want to treat him like that, but what I said was true; he’s a dragon and you don’t show a lot of gold around dragons without a very good reason.

“Perhaps, though naga seldom live to be that age. True, surviving to be an elder is a sign of a truly great warrior, but dying in battle is seen as a greater honor, especially if it’s in defense of the clan.”

I am so glad I didn’t grow up in that kind of culture. We were in front of Watcher’s open door by that point, and we were able to see he was in there with one of his subordinates, the only female unicorn. I’m pretty sure she also happened to be his second in command.

“If you’re sure, sir,” she said as I made my presence known by leaning against the doorframe.

“As sure as I can be,” he said. “But keep an eye out. Let me know if you see anything else. If nothing else, we can point it out and hope for the best.”

“...Alright, sir. But for the record, you said the same thing about Luna.”

“Noted. Dismissed.” She nodded and let herself out, walking past me and the naga without too much of a glance.

“We made bank,” I said, walking in after she left. The naga hovered by the door, the large bag over his shoulder. “Where do you want the gold?”

“In the corner, for now,” he said, nodding at the only empty corner in his room. Ames tossed the bag over there. “I’ll deal with it after I get word from Gourd about the repairs.”

“Bitchin’. Did anything else come up?”

“No. Sentinel and I were discussing something personal.”

“I meant anything else. I know how the chain of command works. If you need me, I’ll probably be on the ship somewhere. Oh, and Gourd’s looking around for other passengers, so don’t murder the first person you see that you don’t recognize.”

“Of course. Just make sure he doesn’t get enough, so you can get Spike his own room again.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice, man. I swear, something about me makes everyone cuddle against me. Taya’s nice and soft, so that’s perfectly fine. But Spike is all scaley and hard and also a dude.”

“Is it traditional for human… children? Children to sleep with their parents?” Watcher asked.

“It’s not unheard of. It usually stops as they get older, though. Though now that we’re over the equator and back into summer, I don’t suppose it matters that much.”

“It would raise some brows here. Incest is rare, very rare, but you are known to be… loose.”

My eyes narrowed slightly, even though I knew he wasn’t insulting me. It still angered me to think that there might be people thinking I was fucking my daughter. “I’ll keep it quiet. See you later, Watcher.” He nodded as I left.

“Back to training?” the naga asked.

“Need to get something out of my room first,” I said, stepping into it. Once again, he hovered in the hall, too tall to enter without bending over. I pulled my shirt off and walked over to one of my drawers.

“Should I be seeing this?” Ames slowly asked, not taking his eyes away from me.

“You’re married, so I know you’re not lusting over me. And if you are, you’ll keep it in check,” I answered, pulling on a bra.

“Your confidence in me is comforting,” he sighed, looking away as I finally pulled my shirt back on.

“Monogamy and marriage is extremely important for you guys, right?” I asked. “I know that one bitch got killed for what she did to me. Wouldn’t the same happen to someone who cheats?”

“Yes. It would. And it is likely I would split you in half should I ever forget my vows anyway.”

“Don’t worry. I would never let that happen. One of my rules is no one that’s married.”

“That is a very good rule to have. Though it’s also very disturbing that you even have rules. Sex should be—”

“Let’s go practice,” I said, pushing past him. He snorted and began following me again.

Sure enough, a very unhappy Miss Crabapple came aboard right at eight, with an escort of two miners carrying a few bags. I was sitting on one of the masts at the time, looking down at the city with my scope. As soon as I realized she was there, I swooped down. “So?” I asked.

She sighed and quietly said, “It was… suggested I find employment elsewhere. It seems a scapegoat was needed for the debacle, and I happened to be the perfect target. Though I imagine you might be a target as well, should you stay in the city for long.”

“They’d be hard-pressed to lift a finger… or hoof against me,” I said. “But that wouldn’t stop them from trying. Welcome aboard. No one’s claimed the room you had, so feel free to take it back. We’re leaving in an hour, so if you have any goodbyes to say, say them quickly.”

“No family. Few friends. These bags are… all I have, really.”

“...I see. Listen, if you need anything, just find me. That includes someone to talk to, because I’ve been there.”

“Getting rejected from the perfect life you had?” she bitterly asked. “Forced to leave everything behind but what you can carry? Being told… your special talent isn’t needed?”

“I was ripped from my life. I’m… not from around here. An out of control spell brought me here and with only what I had on me, so no chance to pack. Another spell grafted wings on my back. And for the coup de fucking grace, I got cursed into the body of the wrong gender. So if you’ve been wondering why everyone’s calling me sir, it’s because I’m definitely not supposed to be a girl. So yeah, I’ve been there.”

“...Then how do you go on?” she quietly asked.

“You look forward. You always look forward. No more ‘could have been’. No more regrets. You have one life to live. Don’t waste it being miserable. We both have long journeys ahead of us, fraught with their own dangers and pitfalls. And when we fuck up or when life fucks us over, we’re going to keep going anyway, because wasting time thinking about what could have been only slows you down.”

“And that works for you?” she asked.

Hell no. “I’m still standing here, aren’t I?” I asked. “Female. Winged. The only one of my kind in existence.” Technically. “Cursed and alone, I still stand and I still move forward.”

“That is… something to think about,” she said, at least slightly less unhappy. “It will hopefully bring me some comfort tonight, as the shock wears off.”

“Well, if you ever want company, just find me,” I said. “I’ll probably be awake. Now, you should probably get settled in.”

“Yes. Would you two help me a little longer?” she asked, turning to the miners.

“Can’t,” one of them said, having already set all of the stuff he was carrying down. “I’m going to go ask somepony to marry me.” Before anyone could reply, he galloped off to the main tower of the sky dock.

“...At least somepony took your words to heart,” Crabapple said, gathering up the bags he left. “Shall we?” she asked the other one.

“Of course, ma’am,” he said, nodding.

“I shall see you later, Navarone,” Crabby said. “And… thanks.”

“No problem,” I said as she walked off, the miner following her.

The next day we were well on the way to Canterlot with a few passengers. None were overly noteworthy and most were opting to stay in their rooms, having made the journey enough times that the sights of the wasteland didn’t excite them.

Taya and I also opted to stay in my room. Me, because I didn’t really want to be seen by the passengers and have them spread the word that I was a chick when they got to Canterlot. Taya, because she’s antisocial and possibly emotionally dependent upon me.

It seemed she hadn’t slept very well the night before, which was partially expected since she wasn’t sleeping with me. Given that she was asleep on my lap, I figured I definitely needed to figure something out to help her sleep in the future. Either way, she seemed to enjoy me gently petting her, though I zoned out rather heavily while doing it, just… thinking.

A knock on the door forced me to zone right back in, though. “Yeah?” I called, not bothering to stand.

The door opened and in walked a beaming Spike. “Nav, I have something… What happened to Taya’s hair?”

I blinked and looked down at the sleeping filly on my lap. Her mane and tail had both been braided. “...I have no idea,” I slowly said. “It… wasn’t like this when she fell asleep!”

“So you braided it,” Spike said.

“I have no clue how to braid hair,” I said, looking up at him in confusion.

“Obviously you do, unless you’re saying somepony else did it.”

“It definitely wasn’t me!”

“So what, a ghost did it?” Spike asked, smirking.

My face paled. “...Flo?”

“It wasn’t me,” she replied. “Which only leaves…”

“Ava,” I growled, my eyes narrowing.

“...So it was a ghost?” Spike asked.

I sighed and carefully lifted Taya up, setting her on the bed. Somehow, she managed to stay asleep. Or maybe she was just faking. Either way, I stood and walked over to where I left Athena’s book. “Coming?” I asked.

“Uh…” I shrugged and opened it, not really caring. After all, I wasn’t planning on staying long. As usual, the tentacles ripped me into the dark book world.

Not as usual, I was immediately hugged from behind, a finger pressed against my lips. “Shhh,” Athena whispered before I could protest. Her other arm was wrapped around my stomach. That was the first time I got to feel how horrifyingly bony her body was, something I never really wanted to learn. She held me for nearly a full minute in complete silence, her head pressed against one of my wings. Finally, she whispered, “You smell nice.”

“...Thank you?”

“Why did you come here?” she asked, still holding onto me and making me seriously question some of my life choices.

“I just accidentally braided someone’s hair and I have no idea how it happened.”

“Some of the ghost’s memories and habits may have passed onto you. If she frequently braided hair, it’s not impossible that you could do it in moments wherein you aren’t paying much attention.”

“So when I zone out, I might do things she did.”

“Correct.”

“...Is there any way to avoid that?”

“Don’t zone out. Is there anything else you need?”

I might regret this, but… “Athena, do you want a hug?”

“...That would be nice.” Her grip on me eased up, so I turned around and carefully wrapped my arms around her, trying not to squeeze too tightly for fear that she might break. Once I had a good grip on her that wasn’t hurting her, I wrapped my wings around her as well. She sighed in contentment when I had her wrapped up. “It has been a very long time since I had friendly physical contact with something living…”

“Well, this world isn’t exactly the most accessible of places,” I said, my gaze going to a paper golem that was blankly staring at me, as if daring me to hurt its mistress.

“It makes me realize what I lost,” she quietly said, pushing me away. I let her go, of course. “But then, I’m not the only one here who has lost a big part of their humanity.” I very much wanted to tell her that I didn’t lose myself in the search for power. I didn’t lose my humanity to hide away forever. I didn’t run away. But there are things that are better left unsaid to those that are as powerful as she is. “Tell me, have you been learning magic?”

“I tried. Couldn’t figure it out. It’s not like it’s possible to turn me into a guy anyway, so I figure, why bother?”

“If I suddenly turned hostile to you right now, what would you do?”

“Try to seduce you, probably. I can’t imagine there would be a thing I could do to you, even if I did know magic.”

“I will… keep that in mind, should I ever desire more friendly physical contact with something living.” Ugh. “However, in time, you could learn to resist me with magic, at least long enough to escape. Swords and spears are no danger to me. Surely you must desire that power.”

I shook my head. “Power means little to me. It might be interesting to have, but I really doubt I could learn it without a dedicated teacher that isn’t also my daughter. I could probably make Celestia teach me, but I’m not going to be in Equestria for long and she’s busy being a ruler.”

“There is little to teach. Either you can think the required way or you cannot. Once you truly understand the mindset required, you have learned most of what there is to learn.” She stepped forward and put both of her hands on my face, one on either cheek. I just barely stopped myself from shivering at the feel of her weird claw-thing pressing against my flesh. “You can do it. It’s harder for adults to learn than children, but you can learn.” And just like that, she disappeared. “New books are here,” she whispered into my mind. “Leave me.”

This woman really, really worries me. Of course, I acquiesced to her desire, turning back to the pedestal with the book and opening it. The tentacles pulled me out and deposited me, strangely enough, in Spike’s arms. “Spike, why are you holding me?”

“Er… When you went into the book, it started falling. I grabbed it since I didn’t want you to get thrown around inside. Then I just held onto it. Then it opened again and here you are.”

“Weird. Put me down.” He carefully did so, though I had no clue why he was careful about it. “Now what did you need?” I asked.

“I have something to show you!” he happily said, some of his earlier excitement returning. “Come on.”

I pulled Athena’s book from his claws and set it back where it had been. “For the record, no one in there feels whatever happens to the book.”

“...Oh.”

“Anyway, lead the way,” I said. We both left, with Taya still somehow asleep on the bed. As we walked down the hall, I resolved to get her a teddy bear or something so she’d have at least something to snuggle with when I’m not around. “So what am I going to see?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise, but I’m sure you’ll love it!”

Despite the promise of some kind of surprise, my mind went back to Athena and Ava. Athena, because she was scary and rather worrying. Ava, because I couldn’t help but wonder if I was showing any of her other mannerisms. Without knowing her, it would be impossible to tell. It just meant Flo and I would have to pay more attention and try to isolate the things we knew weren’t like me.

With Athena… The way she reacted when I joked about seducing her was very, very frightening. That lady was seventeen different kinds of creepy and I didn’t want to put any part of me near any part of her, dick or not. And then there’s the whole magic angle, which I imagine she’d incorporate into anything she did.

But Spike was holding something up for me, so I had to cut my trains of thought short. “I forgot, Celestia sent you something,” he said.

I took the letter he was holding and opened it. A quick read showed that it was just the letter I sent her, with the ‘yes’ option circled. I smiled and put it away, suddenly looking forward to getting to Canterlot.

“What was it?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” He probably wanted to ask about it even more, but he suddenly stopped in front of a familiar door. “The smithy?” I asked.

“Yep!” Spike happily answered, pushing the door open and gesturing for me to enter. “Ladies first!”

“Spike, I’ll turn you into a lady if you don’t stop that shit.”

“But the stones are broken…”

“I would use a knife.” His eyes widened as he caught my meaning, but by that point, I was already walking through the door. I stopped after entering, because I honestly didn’t know what I was looking at. “Is that… armor?” I asked, staring at what looked like a black carapace.

“Yeah!” Spike answered, stepping up next to me. “After I fought that dragon, there were a whole lot of scales left that hadn’t been destroyed, so we all decided to do something with them. So first, we made you armor!”

As if I didn’t have enough suits of armor. Still, the thought was nice. I stepped up to the chest piece and put one of my hands on it, feeling the seams between the molded scales. “I would have thought dragon scales would be less malleable. Especially after being on a zombie.”

“Jak had some problems working on it,” Spike replied with a shrug. “But I think it looks great!”

“It definitely looks scary,” I said, looking at the other pieces. The entire thing was black, since that was the color of the original dragon. It was also made for my female frame, which put it a step above the other two sets I had. Despite being modified, the metal armor was still uncomfortable in a few noticeable places. And of course, the human-made armor was fitted for my male body as well, making it tight across the chest. This wouldn’t have that problem, presumably. “Any special properties?” I asked.

“Dunno. I mean, it should be good against fire, right? All dragon scales are.”

“And it won’t… I don’t know, turn on me? You got these scales from a zombie, Spike. You sure it’s even safe?”

“Well, none of them have tried to hurt Jak yet. And they didn’t do anything while I was pulling them off.”

Yeah, but you weren’t covered in them. “Well, I guess I should try it on…” I said, hoping I wouldn’t have to tear it off. “So where’s Jak and Smiles?” I asked as I removed my shirt.

“On deck, I think,” Spike answered. “If you really think the armor’s dangerous, I could go get Twilight. If it tries hurting you somehow, she could save you.”

“And let her see my innocent body? I’ll be fine.”

“...You’re letting me see your innocent body.”

“How many times did you see it while we were dealing with those damn monkeys?” By that point, my pants were also off, leaving me almost entirely naked.

“Well, you didn’t really seem interested in showing me much on your own…”

“And I can’t imagine you’d really be looking. You know I’m still a guy.” I grabbed the greaves of the armor and started pulling them on, going slow in case they started to catch or got too tight suddenly.

“What I know and what I see… aren’t always the same things.” If I turned around, I imagined I would see his eyes very intently watching me in certain places as he said that. Of course, I didn’t turn around, just finished pulling the armored pants up. They fit my body almost perfectly. It’s like… pants. Much softer than I’d imagine dragon scales to be.

“Screw your cognitive dissonance,” I said, pulling up the breastplate. “I am what I am, not what my body is. I would say you need to get laid, but Gilda already told me all about that.” Long story short, she was impressed by his body, but not so much impressed by his passiveness and general dislike of the situation. “Sounds to me like you need more of an emotional connection. You try making other friends on board?” I started working on how to get the chest piece on.

“Well… I’ve been helping Jak and Sunshine around the smithy some, since my fire is useful here. Sunny is always smiling and he’s really close, but it’s kinda creepy sometimes. And he gets really hoovesy at times. And I spend a lot of time with the naga, but I still don’t even know his name! Doppel… I went down that road before, and I won’t do it again. Aerie is also really creepy, so I have to avoid Pinkie a lot. The other girls are all there for me, but… Well, they feel betrayed that I left them like I did.”

“There’s always Kat and the soldiers,” I said. “I know they had to be impressed by how you handled yourself against the undead.” After twisting and turning it in several ways, I finally figured out how to open the armor so I could put it on around the wings. Turns out it was split on the left side, using a nearly invisible seam to open. Soon enough, it was on as well. The pauldrons looked much easier, thankfully.

“Nobody really knows much about Kat,” he slowly said. “There’s Spider, who’s always with her, but she seems lonely… I could talk to her, I guess. But what about you?”

“What about me? You can have more than one friend.” Both the pauldrons got on, so I started pulling up the gauntlets.

“Aren’t you lonely, now that Kumani left?”

“Nah.” After the gauntlets, I reached for the boots. “Turns out that I’m bad at relationships. And really, it got in the way of a lot of stuff. Kumani was useful and fun, but having to deal with her was draining at times. No offense, but you dragons are fucking possessive as hell. I think I’ll enjoy my freedom for a little while.” With the boots on, all that was left was the helmet.

“...Oh.”

“So feel free to talk to Kat. She probably needs someone to distract her from Spider anyway. I think half the crew is arachnophobic and the other half doesn’t really like kids, so having someone else around would be nice for both of them.” The helmet wasn’t all that difficult to figure out, though it was closed-face. When I got it on, I had a very disturbing feeling of being watched, but I shivered it off. “Fits… well. Strangely so.”

“Jak got the measurements from Rarity, and I double-checked them while you were possessed. What do you think?”

I finally turned back to him and found that he was predictably smiling. “Light me on fire.”

“What?!”

“Hey, you thought it was fireproof. Makes sense to me. Let’s find out.”

“But that’s… I don’t want to hurt you!”

“You won’t.” If we’re right.

He gulped rather noisily before sighing. “Alright. Ready?”

“Yep.” What he didn’t know is that I made sure I was standing right next to the barrel Smiles had to quench metal in. If it turned out that the armor wasn’t fireproof, I’d be jumping in it.

As soon as he got my assurance, he took a deep breath, then released it and asked, “Are you sure?”

“Just do it.”

He shrugged and spit a burst of flame at me. It hit the armor and I could feel the pressure and a tiny bit of the heat, but most of it just washed over me and died. After a few seconds to make sure I was just fine, Spike’s worried expression disappeared. “It worked!” he shouted, a smile lighting up his face.

“Yep. Let’s see how well I can move in this stuff.”

“Should be just fine,” Spike said and I started to walk around the room. “Jak’s really experienced and he had to use runes to hold the scales together, so he made sure you could move normally in it.”

“It’s definitely light, which makes sense. After all, you guys have to be able to fly. And I know it can mostly stop a crossbow bolt, because I shot Kumani with one before.”

“You… you what?”

“It was at one of the Europe competitions, so she didn’t get hurt. Doesn’t block my sword, but I shouldn’t have to worry about that. I wonder if it’ll help me deal with the cold.”

“I know I never feel cold.”

“Yeah, but you’re a heat generator. The fire in you keeps you warm. I doubt these scales would help me out, unless that would come from the whole ‘undead’ part.”

“Well, we can’t really test that out here,” he said with a shrug.

“Yeah. I can walk just fine, so at least there’s that. It’s definitely tighter than I’m used to, though.”

“It’s uh… not that noticeable. But Rarity definitely seemed to think you were smaller than you actually were. Or maybe she was just making clothes that were really tight for some reason. But you can probably just wear a cloak over it or something, right?”

“Yeah. Well, it fits and I can move well in it. Thanks for this, Spike. It’s nice to have armor I can comfortably wear in this body.”

“You’re welcome. I definitely don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Me either. Also, something you said earlier, that this was the first thing you did with the scales. Is Jak doing something else?”

“Nav, that was an entire adult dragon covered in scales. There were enough to make armor for all the soldiers and then some. I just asked him to make your set first, since the soldiers already have armor they can wear just fine.”

“...Well, at least we’ll finally all have matching armor. I’m gonna go put this in my room and then make sure Taya doesn’t freak out when she finds her hair braided.”

“You don’t want to spar in it?” he asked.

“Not right now. We’re going to be at Canterlot for two or so weeks. I doubt I’ll need to do much fighting. I’ll have plenty of time to practice later, when there aren’t passengers on deck.”

“What’s wrong with passengers?”

“I don’t really want word of my… affliction spreading too far. I already get enough trouble with the press and people bothering me. I don’t want the attention a gender swap would bring.”

“What would it bring?”

“I dunno, reporters? Suitors? People trying to see what I look like? People trying to sympathize with me? Trannies looking for a poster child? Just people in general bothering me. I don’t want to deal with it. My main plan is staying on board the ship for most of the stay, aside from when I go to speak to Celestia. Even then, I might use Doppel as a scapegoat.”

“That’s boring. Can’t we at least go hunting?”

“We’ll see. But for now, I’m going to go back to Taya. I shouldn’t leave her like that anyway.”

“Nav, she’s not a foal. The way you treat her is… kinda weird, sometimes.”

“Man, everyone’s always on my case about Taya. Either I’m too distant and need to spend more time with her or I’m too close and I need to back off. Maybe you and everyone else should let me and Taya decide what we should do.”

He quickly held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Hey, I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I thought. There’s no need to be upset.”

Honestly, I wasn’t mad at Spike anyway. I knew he was probably just repeating what others had said. It just meant I needed to smack some bitches around. After Taya woke up, of course. “I’m not mad at you, Spike. I’m mad at everyone who forced me to be a father after I told them I would be a terrible one, and then complained when I was a terrible one. I mean, really, what did they all expect?”

He was silent for a few seconds, since there really wasn’t a good answer for that. Finally, he said, “Well… it’s not too late to be a good mother.”

I grabbed one of the knives that Smiles or Jak was working on and held it up. “What was that, Spike? Did you say you wanted an impromptu sex change?”

“N-no!”

“Because it sounded to me like you just asked me to make you a pretty little dragoness. Oh, I bet Rarity would be so happy to play dress up with you again!”

His little ear tuft things shot straight down and his eyes went very wide. “Never!”

“Then stop treating me like a fucking woman.” I set the knife back down and started walking to the door. “I’m going back to my room.” He didn’t try to stop me that time.

Thankfully, the halls were clear, so no one tried to stop the strangely dressed tall person wandering around the halls. Not that it would have mattered, since all I had to do was take off my helmet to be recognized, but meh.

When I got to my room, Taya was still asleep on the bed, though now she was curled up instead of spread out. Since she was out of it, I closed the door and started taking off the armor. At that point, I had three sets of the stuff on the ship, so I was really running out of room. Thankfully, we had a large room in the cargo bay that was no longer being used, so I resolved to just dump the old metal armor in there so I could keep the new dragon armor on my ceiling.

That could wait, though. The stuff is heavy and there’s a lot of it, so moving it would take a few more trips than I was currently willing to give it. Besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if a passenger or two was staying in that room.

Since this was a cartoon world and I was due for a reminder of that, Taya began stirring as I put up the last of my armor. “Daddy?”

“Right here,” I said, sitting down next to her. “Sleep well?”

“Bleh. Wait, my head feels… heavy.” She reached a hoof up there and felt the braid. “What…?”

“Yeah, I sort of accidentally braided your hair,” I said with a shrug.

“You accidentally braided it? I didn’t even know you could!”

“I can’t. Ava can. Some of her passive memories came out, I guess, and now your hair is braided. And also your tail.”

She turned her head to look at the only thing that always followed her, then swished it. “Weird. Does it look nice, at least?”

“Yeah.” It made her look even more adorable, but I knew saying that would make her want to undo it. “Do you know what a teddy bear is?”

“Uh. Some kind of ferocious bear that likes eating people?”

“Sort of. Replace people with monsters and ferocious with cuddly. I’ll show you when we get to Canterlot, I suppose.”

“I really don’t want to go to a zoo.”

“That won’t be a problem. Now, you should go get ready for the day. Brush your teeth, take a shower, eat, all that good stuff.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes, because you don’t want cavities. Trust me, I’ve had a few. And I know after a few days of not washing, all that fur will get greasy and nasty looking.” At least, if she sweats a lot. “I’m not having a greasy and nasty daughter when we can do something about it. And you need to eat since I’m sure you’re probably hungry.”

“Ugh, fine. But only if you’ve eaten too!”

“So demanding. Go take a shower and we’ll talk.”

She rolled her eyes while hopping off the bed. As soon as she hit the floor, she stopped. “What about the braids?”

“Pull them out if you want. It’s your hair, not mine.”

She just hmm’d as she walked out. With all my shit essentially done for the day, not that I had anything really planned in the first place, I just fell back on my bed and wondered how much longer it would take to get to Canterlot.

We ended up dropping Ames off near the naga’s cavern. He told us not to fly over it or too close, because most naga don’t like flying things. He also advised me that it would be wise to stay on board and not go with him, what with the whole wrong gender thing. The other naga wouldn’t have accepted me as easily, he said.

I wasn’t planning on going there anyway. We had a schedule to keep with the passengers, after all, and I was tired of being stuck on either the ship, a bunker, or a fucking mining outpost. As little as I expected to travel or go out while in Canterlot, at least I wouldn’t be completely stuck inside.

Finally, the day of days came. Saying it like that makes it sound dramatic, but I had been away for nearly half a year at that point. The girls had been away for about five months. A lot can change in that time, especially since I left the place in all kinds of turmoil.

Since I’m nice, I made sure to drop Twilight’s five friends off in Ponyville before we went to Canterlot itself. Rainbow Dash offered to carry a message for me to Lyra and Bonnie, so I made sure to have her tell them I was back in town, though I probably wouldn’t be stopping by unless I needed to get some money.

The others were just happy to finally be home, though I think Pinkie was really tempted to stay with her parents while we were in the area instead of going back to Ponyville. Still, it was nice to have them off the ship, even though that did leave me with Twilight.

As for the rest of us, we were all headed directly for Canterlot. The passengers were eager to depart, Gourd was eager to get their money, most of the guards wanted to see whatever family they might have had, Twilight probably also wanted to see her family, and I wanted to fuck Celestia again, for old time’s sake.

“So we’re finally home again,” Twilight quietly said, watching Canterlot rapidly grow closer.

“Yep. Figured you’d want to stay in Ponyville,” I replied.

“I have… things to discuss with the princess,” she said. “And I wouldn’t mind seeing my parents. I’ll go back to Ponyville while we’re here, just not right now.” She paused for a few moments, just watching the city. “It’s like… nothing really changed.”

“It always seems like that,” I said, turning my back on the city. “But if I’ve learned anything…” I started walking back to the stairs to get my bags. “...it’s that homecoming’s a bitch.”

She didn’t have any reply to that.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen—Welcome Home

Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen—Welcome Home

While I was headed down to my room, I was stopped by Crabapple. “We’re almost there?” she asked.

“Yeah. You want to come with me to give your report about the mine to the princess? She’s going to want to know what your company knew about it. That’ll be a good chance for you to drop your resumé off, too.”

“My… what?” she asked, blinking.

“Your resumé. You know, the paper that describes all your past work experience, education, name and residence… It’s what you use in a job application.”

“I have never heard of such a thing. To get a job, you show the employer your cutie mark and tell her what it means. You either get hired or not.”

I just shook my head. “Fucking Ponyland. Whatever. You coming or not?”

“I’m quite sure Princess Celestia doesn’t have time for my report, or for me in general. I think it best—”

“Yeah, you’re coming,” I said, nodding. “Meet me topside in five.”

“But—”

“Don’t bother dressing up.” Before she could make a rebuttal, I walked past her to my room. However, Crabapple is not so easily cowed, it would seem, so she followed me.

“I will not waste the princess’s time,” she told me before I could close my door.

“I know her. You don’t,” I said. “Trust me when I say that you won’t be wasting her time. If you really don’t want a job with her, you don’t have to come. But if you do, meeting her in person’s probably the best way to do so.”

“...I came here to start a new life. I suppose starting it in a bold and daring way will definitely be new. And if things go poorly, I suppose I truly do have nothing to lose.”

“That’s the spirit. Topside in five.” She sighed and wandered off, allowing me to close the door.

There wasn’t too much I wanted to do in there, since I was already mostly prepared. I grabbed a bag that had Athena’s book and a change of clothes, just in case, then slung that weird enchanted cloak over my shoulders so I could use it to hide more of my feminine body. No matter what I did, my ‘cover’ would probably be blown as soon as I opened my mouth, but the constantly shifting cloak would serve as a good distraction to keep everyone’s eyes off my body and on the cloak. After a moment of thought, I collapsed the balancing baton and threw that in one of the cloak pockets. Aside from a dagger and a few throwing knives, it was the only weapon I had on me.

Since I was pretty much ready at that point, I went back to the deck. The passengers were milling about on one side, where they knew the airship would dock. Most of the soldiers were below, because they still needed to get paid by Watcher. Kat and Spider were at the front of the ship, watching the famous and beautiful Canterlot slowly grow larger and larger. Twilight was standing some distance away from them, though she was also facing toward the city.

I joined her, since I still needed to speak to her. “What are you doing first?” I asked.

“Going to speak to my parents,” she said, not looking back. “I’m sure they’re worried sick, even though the princess is relaying all of my letters to them. After that, I’ll go to the mage tower to drop off the magical items we got from Athena’s realm. Or at least, the ones I was able to identify and decided were of no use to us. I’ll probably also find the runemaster and tell him about what Jak is doing.”

“Sure that’s smart?” I broke in. “I don’t want a ton of people crowding the ship and trying to figure out what’s going on. And I definitely don’t want a fight to break out over access to Athena’s book. You know firsthand how dangerous it is.”

“True. But then, should it be our choice who gets entry and who doesn’t?”

“Going into that book is practically suicide unless they’re accompanied by you or me. It may not be our choice, but surely you wouldn’t let anyone risk it.”

“...It is dangerous. I suppose it’s probably for the best that I not mention the book, then. Besides, the knowledge within has its own dangers. Either way, after I drop off the artifacts, I believe Celestia and I need to have a rather long discussion about my status as the element of magic.”

“Is that something you can even renounce?”

“I don’t intend to renounce it. I intend to learn real magic, so the name is true.”

“Good luck. Just don’t come to the palace until tomorrow, if possible.”

“Why’s that?” she asked, finally turning to me.

“Because my goal is to fuck Celestia silly, and I don’t think that’ll help you much.”

“I should’ve known it would be perverted,” she sighed, looking back to the city.

“Yeah, you should’ve. When are you heading back to Ponyville?”

“I don’t know yet. I’ll at least visit before we leave again, though. You’re welcome to come with me, when I do. I know you don’t want your… affliction being known, for whatever reason.”

“I might just do that.” Or I might just completely stay away. “I’ll see you later, Twilight.”

“You going in already?” she asked. “We haven’t docked yet.”

“These wings mean I don’t have to wait. But no, I need to talk to Kat before I leave.”

“Alright. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, if you’re still around the palace.”

“Maybe. I’ll be hiding, that’s for sure. Either way, later.” She didn’t reply, though that wasn’t overly surprising. After all, it’s hard to imagine she really approved of me saying I’d fuck Celestia. So I just went to talk to Kat, instead.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” she said when she heard me approach.

“It takes a while to get old, that’s for sure,” I replied. “But get nearly killed there a few times, and it starts to lose its luster.”

“I imagine…”

“You’re welcome to go into the city, Kat. But let me talk to Celestia before you take Spider with you. And even then, expect plenty of stares. I don’t know if there’s ever been a cat delegation here, and I know there sure as shit hasn’t been a spider delegation, so no one will have ever seen either of your kind.”

“I certainly would like to do some exploring here. But I suppose it can wait for a few days.”

“Good. And I hope I don’t need to tell you this, but stay out of crime while you’re here. You want to buy anything, come to me for gold. I’m friends with the guards here and I don’t want that soured to keep you out of trouble.”

“I’ll stay clean,” she said, nodding. “Do you think you could introduce me to the princess?”

“I could, but that would probably be a poor life decision. She might not know what you look like, but I bet she knows who you are. She might not be as forgiving.”

“...It seems once more that mistakes from the past haunt me.” Gotta pay for it somehow.

Saying that would have been mean, though, so I held my tongue. Spider, however, did not. “What mistakes?” he asked.

“I mistreated someone,” Kat quietly answered, her eyes finding mine. Understatement of the century, perhaps?

After that, I kinda wanted to see how Spider would react, but my attention was nabbed from behind. “Are you ready?” Crabapple asked.

When I turned to her, I found that she had disregarded my instructions and put on something nice. Or at least, something that could possibly be considered nice, I guess.

“I’d say we’re close enough,” I replied, stretching my wings. We were already over the main city, at that point, just heading to the skydock.

“Then shall we?” In response, I jumped off the side, flying toward the palace. Crabby joined me a moment later, her older body easily matching my lazy pace.

“You ever been to Canterlot?” I asked as we flew.

“Once. Ages ago, it feels like. I never thought I’d be back like this.” You aren’t the only one. “It’s almost like nothing changed.”

“Nothing ever seems to, in this place. Immortals don’t like change, I think.”

She didn’t reply to that, not that there was too much to say. We made it to the castle in less than five minutes, so the silence didn’t stretch too long. When we got to the front gates, she stopped. “May we see the—” She stopped, but I didn’t. One of the guards at the front gate was a night guard, surprisingly enough. When he saw me, he jerked his head slightly, telling me to go on, so on I went without a word. She sighed and followed. “I see you’re known here,” she said.

I just snorted, not wanting to talk in such a public place. There were servants and a few courtiers about in the front room, all of which stared at me with wide eyes as I passed. Thankfully, none had the courage to approach.

After so many times there, I knew the way to the throne room by heart, so that’s where I led us. There wasn’t a line, oddly enough, and another of the guards in front of the throne room door was another night guard.

“She’s not here, sir,” that guard told me. “She should be eating lunch, at the moment. I believe you know where her private room is?” I nodded and started walking off yet again.

Crabapple paused to thank him, then fell into step behind me. “Is interrupting her meal really a wise decision?” she whispered as she walked. Since I still didn’t want to talk, I just giggled. She sighed and rolled her eyes, hanging her head slightly.

Celestia’s private dining hall thing isn’t that far from the throne room, wisely enough. After all, taking too much time to walk back and forth would be inefficient. When we got there, I just let myself in, pushing the door open wide. She was on the other side, of course, devouring something healthy for once.

“Miss me?” I asked, a smile finally on my face. This room, after all, was bereft of other company, so I wasn’t too worried about my voice.

“More than you can know,” she answered as I let myself in. Crabapple followed at a slower pace, immediately bowing when she got inside. “Who’s this?”

“The leader of the miners we were guarding,” I said. “I figured you’d want to know what the company knew about the spot before you go there to blow it the fuck up.”

“Very thoughtful of you,” Celestia drily answered. “Though I can’t imagine she was overly pleased to leave her family behind.”

“I don’t have a family,” Crabapple said. “Not that I would mind leaving them, if the princess needed my report.”

“And she doesn’t have a job anymore,” I said, walking to the other side of the table and taking a spot. “I figured you might know someone that could help with that.”

“Maybe,” Celestia answered with one of her small smiles. “Please, join us, Ms…?”

“Crabapple,” the old lady said, eying one of the chairs apprehensively. “I ate before coming.”

“And I don’t eat that alfalfa shit,” I said. “That doesn’t mean you can’t sit.”

“You know I can request something more to your liking,” Celestia said, once again looking to me.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be on the menu later,” I said with a wink. She rolled her eyes, since Crabby was still there.

“Princess, do you want that report now, or when you’re… not busy?” Crabapple asked. “I wouldn’t want to disturb you.”

“I very much doubt the report will be disturbing to me,” Celestia answered. “Though Nav’s tale of what he went through might be. Just keep to the basics. What the company knows isn’t honestly very important. But please, sit. Mares our age shouldn’t be forced to stand, you know.”

Crabapple seemed to sag slightly before taking one of the chairs closer to Luna’s side and sitting down. “There isn’t that much to tell, thankfully,” she started with. “Miners Without Borders is, as the name suggests, a company that has mines across several countries. We were looking to expand to a place where we didn’t expect any competition, so we turned our eyes south. First, to the land mass directly under ours. We sent a small scouting team and they never returned, so we decided to try elsewhere, going further south. We sent a small team down to what Navarone calls Antarctica. Within a week of scouting, they found a location rich in very good quality iron, what we later learned was probably steel or something else. We didn’t know there were undead and we didn’t know there were ruins there.”

“...Did your company sell the information to anypony else?” Celestia quietly asked. “Perhaps trying to eliminate or damage a rival?”

“I… could see them doing that,” she said, looking away. “That expedition was damaging to the company. We sank over twenty thousand bits into it and got nothing back. I wouldn’t be surprised if our company sold the location to several other companies to recoup the losses and damage others at the same time.”

“Well, that simply won’t do,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “I’ll be sure to get into contact with the guards in that area and have them speak to the heads of the company. It would be inconvenient to lose more ponies to the undead menace.”

“What… If you don’t mind me asking, what are you going to do with them?” Crabapple asked.

“That depends entirely upon Navarone,” she said. “Or rather, what he tells me about the bunker. Killing undead is easy for trained soldiers, but dealing with the cold is not. And dealing with an undead dragon? It would be much better to quarantine the area and label it on all maps as dangerous than actually eradicating the undead. But as of right now, I have the incomplete story.”

“No promises about that story being helpful,” I said with a shrug. “But I definitely ain’t gonna tell it while you’re eating.”

“Nor would I ask you to. Nav, I trust you still know the way to my chambers?” Oh, I like where this is going.

“You know it.”

“Head there now. I need to speak to some ponies, then I shall join you.”

“I’ll warm myself up for you,” I said, standing.

“We’re going to have a long conversation, I believe,” she said, narrowing her eyes slightly. “So keep your mind focused.” I was already to the door at that point.

“Of course, of course. See you later, Crabby.”

“It’s Crabapple!” she called as I started walking down the hall. Since I was back in the hall, I didn’t reply, not wanting my voice to carry. Surprisingly, though, most of the halls were completely empty. True, the palace was rarely ‘bustling’, but I just couldn’t imagine why there were almost no servants or guards around. I only saw a few on the long way to Celestia’s room, and there wasn’t even anyone right outside of her door.

The doors were unlocked, so I just let myself in. Her anteroom was the same welcoming place it always was, with no new additions. I didn’t stop there, though, instead going straight to her bedroom. It was also the same as it usually was, comfy and warm. There was only a single new addition, a small mirror that hadn’t been there the last time.

I didn’t care what I looked like, so I just tossed my pack to the floor, removed the strange cloak, and fell back onto the bed. “What do you think?” I asked aloud.

“She seemed more stressed than usual,” Flo said. “Less playful, or at least she was around Crabapple. What happened to her sister is taxing her. I imagine the newspapers are trying to find any sign of weakness, so she’s cracking down. Be wary about teasing her, Nav.”

“No promises, especially not if she starts it. But I suppose being more careful is wise. Think I should… get a little more comfortable?”

“No. Her response to the letter said yes, but you should wait for her to tell you she’s ready.”

“Oh, you’re no fun. But fine, I’ll chill. For now. But if she doesn’t put out, you better.”

“I’ll be sure to give myself watery tentacles, just for you,” she sarcastically answered.

“Oh baby, you know I like being violated!” That statement wouldn’t have been nearly as awkward if Celestia hadn’t picked that moment to walk in.

“Am I interrupting?” she asked, levitating her crown and neck bangle off. As she took steps inside, her four shoes stuck to the floor.

“Just practicing,” I said, scooting over and patting the bed next to me.

“I can’t wait to see how good you got,” she answered as she joined me on the bed. “But later. You owe me a story.”

“You want to preemptively cuddle? I know you’ll start hugging me before I get past the first few words.”

“Given the choice, I’d rather just pull the information from your mind. I know it was a painful experience and I’d rather you not have to relive it. And this way, I can get all the information and study everything as it was, which is the reason I need to know in the first place.”

“What do you mean?”

“When dealing with such dark and powerful magic as necromancy, one does not wish to take chances. With that many undead plaguing the area, I know there are a few possible ways they could get there. One is a powerful necromancer, probably drawn by either the solitude or the monstrous darkness that resides within that bunker. Another possibility is that the bunker itself indirectly created the undead. That option is very unlikely, but I need to check on it.”

“Then go for it. That’ll save some time anyway.”

“Indeed. There are still many preparations to be made before the Gala, after all.”

“Oh shit, it’s that time of the year again, isn’t it?”

“It is. You came at just the right time. The Gala will be in a few days.”

Fucking hell, not again. At least I don’t have to go this time. “That sucks. But if it’s coming up, why isn’t anyone in the palace? The place is empty.”

“I gave most of them the day off, ostensibly to let them relax before the Gala. But really, I knew you didn’t want any of them to discover your… condition, so I decided the easiest way to do that would be to remove them from the palace.”

“Awesome. And that means we can be as loud as we want!”

She finally rolled over on top of me, her large furry body pressing against me delightfully. “Indeed. But only after I get the information I need. So ready your mind.” Her horn lit up and she touched it to my forehead.

In an instant, we were both in Flo’s glade. “Welcome,” the watery soul said.

Celestia looked around, a small hint of surprise on her face. “So this is what Luna meant when she said his dreams were strangely calm. Interesting. Are all elemental realms like this?”

“All water hosts have similar areas. I preferred staying on land, so this is how I fashioned my haven. Most are much more wet.”

“Very, very interesting. It’s a shame it took me this long to meet one of you. But small talk will have to wait, I fear. Are you able to show me what I need to see?”

In response, Flo shot a tendril of water at Celestia. It split in two before hitting her head and sinking into her ears. Both of her eyes turned blue and her mouth went slack.

“So uh… is she out of it?” I asked.

“For a few moments, yes,” Flo answered. I smiled and started to walk around behind her, but Flo grabbed me with another tendril. “No misbehaving in my glade.”

“It’s not misbehaving if she wants it!”

“Don’t make me give you a spanking, Nav.”

“...Would you please?”

“Ugh.” The tendril of hers holding me sank into my head. The next thing I knew, we were back in the real world, Celestia deeply inhaling and then sagging on top of me, putting most of her weight directly on me.

“I like having you on top, but you’re kinda heavy,” I said, pushing her up slightly.

“Such pain, such suffering,” she whispered, her hooves wrapping around me for a more complete hug. “Such darkness, such misery!” Her hug became tighter, almost painful. “And the spirits… The hateful, piteous spirits…”

“Piteous?! After what they did to me?”

“They did unto you because someone else did unto them, Nav. That place must be destroyed as quickly as possible. I shall send somepony to do it immediately.”

“Psh, who? That place is the gateway to hell, and it’s massive. If anyone tried going inside, I don’t imagine they would ever come back out.”

“I know full well who to send.” She finally released me and removed herself from the bed. “Please, wait in the antechamber. This might take a few minutes.”

“Hey, I don’t mind watching you get dressed and powdered up. It’ll just give me more ideas to punish Taya if I ever have to again.”

“There is something I must do, and I must be alone to do it. So please, wait outside.” She grabbed me with magic and pushed me through the door, then closed it behind me.

“What’s that about?” I asked, walking over to one of the more comfortable couches.

“With her, there’s no telling. Maybe she’s writing a letter to send to a dragon?”

“I guess that would be one way to do it. As long as that place gets destroyed, I don’t really care.”

“What happened to sending an elemental to try to glean information?”

“Ask Celestia, not me. I doubt there’s much there, though. You know they refused to help the others, so we couldn’t find much history of what happened after the war. At best, we’d just find some really, really sad tales of life as the place was crumbling down around them. Of course, I say best lightly.”

“True enough. And I doubt we would be able to find much, anyway. The equipment down there seemed to be mostly destroyed. Not to mention, it would still be a risk.”

Before I could reply, Celestia’s door opened and she said, “It’s taken care of. As much as I would really like to stay and… play, there are things I need to take care of. You’re welcome to stay here until tonight, when we can have some time together. Or, if you’re needed on your ship, I can send you a message with Spike when I’m done for the day.”

“I think I’ll just wait in your room, if you don’t mind. With Flo, I can fall asleep whenever I want and do some dream governing.”

“Then you’re welcome to my bed. You needn’t worry about defending yourself; the defenses about the room have been strengthened since the assassins attacked Cadance.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, finally standing up. “You go have fun, now.”

She snorted and started walking to the door. “Unlikely.”

Before she could make it there, I jumped forward and snatched her into a hug, followed by stealing a kiss. She met it with equal fervor for about fifteen seconds, when I pulled away. “I missed you,” I whispered into her ear, still hugging her.

“And I, you, my precious human. I will continue missing you in the hours until we next meet.” Finally, she pushed me away. “Until tonight,” she said with a nod.

“See you then,” I answered, watching her ass sway as she walked away. When she was finally gone, I let myself into her room and then back down on her bed. Before I let Flo put me under, I noticed that her new mirror had moved, not that I paid it much mind.

Several hours later, I was stolen from my life as a dream fighter and forced back into the boring world of everything else fighting. Celestia was back, it seemed, and was staring at me as I opened my eyes. “Kinda creepy there,” I said, sitting up.

“It’s been so long since I got to see you sleep that I wanted a reminder,” she replied with a shrug, using magic to start pulling off her jewelry.

“Like I said, creepy. So, you down to fuck?”

“Not quite yet. First, I want to run a magical diagnostic check on you to see if I can find anything out about the spirit that possessed you. I was told it was still causing you problems.”

“It’s been a few days since I noticed anything happening. I accidentally braided Taya’s hair.”

“I know little about the undead or about ghosts, but maybe I’ll notice something Athena did not.” She stepped in close and shoved her horn at my face again. As soon as it lit up, I lifted my face up and licked it, making her blink. Before she could react, I started sucking on it. “Really?”

“I really, really want to fuck something,” I said around her horn.

“Well, be more patient,” she said, extricating her horn from my mouth. “I’m not able to see anything wrong with you, anyway. Do you want to see the letter Twilight found on you? We weren’t able to translate it.”

“If you weren’t able to, why would I be able to? I don’t speak Necril.”

“Are you just saying that so we can do things sooner?”

“No, of course not. That’s just silly. Let me just get out of these clothes…”

One of her hooves stopped me from standing up. “I had a… slightly different idea, if you don’t mind.”

“...What kind of idea?”

“Well, it has been a very long time since I last had a female… friend.”

I broke in before she could continue. “I’m not a girl. I just happen to have a vagina.”

“Right. That makes you female.” Stop oppressing me! “Twilight has written me a few letters about slumber parties. I was wondering if you would be interested.”

Ugh. “What exactly would that entail?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“Oh, a few fun things. Gossiping. Pillow fights—scantily clad, if you like. Maybe truth or dare. Make overs. Playing dressup. I would say ghost stories, but I think you’d win. And we might… have another guest.”

“None of that sounds anything like fun, unless I can use the truth or dare thing to fuck you.”

She smiled really wide and batted her eyes. “Pretty please?” I sighed and fell back onto the bed, thinking. She did a hoof pump motion, because that was pretty much a sign that she had won.

Until… “On one condition,” I said, having thought up a fun little plan that she probably wouldn’t agree to.

“And what condition is that, my pretty little human?” she asked.

“That Gala’s coming up, you said. I want to fuck you during it.”

“I suppose I can take a break from the proceedings…”

“Oh no, you’ll be there the whole time. I’ll just be invisible.”

When she got it, her eyes went wide. “I… I couldn’t. After what happened with Luna…”

“Then no slumber party,” I said with a shrug.

She bit her lip and looked away. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure. But no slumber party until you say yes. So I take that to mean we’re not having sex tonight?”

“Well… I was never really attracted to other mares…”

“I’m not a girl. I’m a guy that happens to have a vagina. If it helps, you can just close your eyes and pretend.”

“You are not making this easy, Nav.”

“And you’re not telling me what you want, aside from a sleepover. I did that stupid baby shit with you and hated every minute of it. I’m not going to do something like that again without getting something out of it, or without making you do something you hate too. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. I thought you were okay with me having the wrong body, but if not, oh well.”

“It’s not that, it’s just…”

When she didn’t continue, I knocked her hoof away and stood, then pulled her into another kiss. One of my hands went to her ears and started scratching behind one of them, while the other grabbed the hoof that she was reaching up with.

After a few seconds, I pulled away. “Tell me to leave,” I whispered. Before she could answer, I kissed her again. If it worked for Braeburn… “Tell me you don’t want it,” I said when I pulled away again. Before I could kiss her one more time, she used magic to push me back onto the bed. A smile came to my lips, since I figured I got my way, and my hands went down to my pants to pull them off.

“I agree to your terms,” she breathlessly said. “I’ll let you… toy with me during the Gala. The sleepover will begin as soon as I get back.”

God fucking dammit. “Can’t we at least… I don’t know, cuddle first?”

She gave me a very flat stare. “I know you. Cuddling would lead to your fingers in naughty places, which would lead to other things. I’m going to go get our other partier.”

“Oh come on. It’s been a few days since I got any action. You can’t just leave me hanging like this!”

She snorted and said, “At least your transformation hasn’t changed your large… appetite.”

“Nothing changed but what’s between my legs. And on my chest, I guess.”

“Good. I will see you in a few minutes.” Before I could try to get her in bed again, she teleported away.

“So on a scale of yes to no, how much of a mistake did I just make?”

“I’d say a solid yes,” Flo answered. “But just think of all the fun you can have during the Gala!”

“I just have a feeling that no matter what I do, it’ll never make up for the suffering I’m about to go through.”

“She was very quick to accede to it, so I imagine she agrees…”

Every single one of my fears was realized when Celestia’s door slammed open. “Navi!” Cadance yelled, rushing me for a hug. I was too shocked to react, so she hopped on the bed and viciously hugged me as Celestia walked in, making sure to close the door behind her. It only took Cadance a few seconds to realize my body had a new addition, making her pull away and poke my chest. “Nav, what are these?”

“You know how I had cursed stones that changed your gender?” It took about two seconds for it to click, and as soon as it did, she did her best to suppress her giggles. “Yeah, I don’t need this.” I started to stand to leave, but Cadance snatched me up in another hug, finally bursting out into laughter. “Cadance, I swear to god!”

Luckily for her, Celestia stepped in, using magic to pull the giggling pink hussy away from me. “Cadance, this has not been an easy time for poor Nav. I don’t think laughing at his misfortune is a good way to make him feel better.”

“Make her feel better, you mean?” Cadance asked, trying to hide a smirk.

“Fuck this, fuck you, I’m out,” I said, standing. Sadly, Celestia pushed me right back down with magic.

“Cadance, I brought you here because I assumed I could trust you to be more understanding.” Celestia walked over to where I was forced onto the bed and sat next to me, wrapping her wing around me. “Nav is quite displeased about his change. Teasing him will just make it worse.”

“Sitting right here,” I said, trying not to grind my teeth too hard.

Celestia continued anyway. “So I decided it might be best if we had a little sleepover to try to make him feel better.”

Cadance’s eyes instantly lit up. “A sleepover?! I’d love to!” Celestia let the magic holding her go and she shot toward us, wrapping us both in a large hug. “Oh, Nav, you’re gonna ha—Wait, it’s still Nav, right? Did you pick a girlier name?”

“Are you sure it’s not too late to kill myself?” I sighed, not knowing who I was talking to.

Cadance just giggled and continued, “You’re gonna have so much fun! Back when I was in school, I went to a ton of really fun slumber parties. Eeeeeee!” Her horn lit up and she fucking teleported away.

“God, what have you done?” I asked Celestia.

She shrugged and said, “I know the theory. Cadance has the practice. And since she was here for the Gala anyway…”

Before I could refute the point, Cadance teleported back in, a few things held in her magic grip. “Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! But since you’re our host, you can pick what we do first, auntie.” She very carefully set all the things she brought aside, then covered them with my abandoned cloak so I couldn’t see them.

“I’ve already decided to nix any kind of scary stories, because Nav would win, based on… her recent experiences.”

“Really?” I sighed. “You’re going to call me that?”

“It’s a slumber party,” Celestia said, pulling me tighter with her wing for a moment. “You agreed to it, knowing the possible ramifications. So play along.” My body sagged slightly and she nodded, happy that I was going to do it her way. “So I thought we could talk about gossip, first.” She picked me up with magic and set me down on the floor, across from Cadance. She hopped up herself and picked a spot equidistant, forming a triangle of sorts. “So Cadance, how are things in the Crystal Empire?”

“Hold on. Before we begin, Nav has to look the part.”

“And what exactly does that mean?” I asked, dreading the possible answers.

“Take off your clothes, silly!” she said.

“Oooh, yes!” Celestia quickly added. “Let’s see what the infamous Rarity decided to clothe you in under your usual outfit!”

Ugh. Since I did technically agree to it, even if it was possibly under duress, I removed my shirt, showing off the very sexy red bra I was unfortunately wearing (chosen to hopefully get Celestia hot). Cadance’s smile grew when she saw it, making me roll my eyes. When I removed my pants to reveal the very tight naughty-red panties I was wearing, she actually squeed again. That left me with just my bra, the panties, and my socks.

“There, happy?” I asked, trying to put as much misery as possible into my voice.

“You know, red is usually a… sexy color,” Cadance playfully said, her smile turning to a smirk.

“Yeah well, I wasn’t exactly planning on attending a sleepover. Though if you really want, we can make it sexy. Some girls back in my world used to practice kissing at their sleepovers.” That’s… probably not a lie. I think. “They also told all kinds of naughty stories.”

“Well… We can probably do at least one of those,” Celestia said, her eyes still caught on my panties. When I saw her eyes down there, I opened my legs slightly and leaned back. She quickly caught her breath and looked back to Cadance, a small blush on her face. “Now that we’re all prepared, how are things in the Crystal Empire?”

Fuck gossip. I did my absolute best to tune that bullshit out, though they each took every chance they could to drag me into the conversation.

When Celestia finally had enough of gossip, or perhaps when they ran out of things to talk about, they decided to take a very short break so Celestia could use the bathroom. As soon as she was gone, I sighed and fell back onto the floor, rubbing at my face.

Before I could bemoan my fate, Cadance carefully sat on my stomach. “You know, Nav, you’re going to be here all night,” she matter-of-factly said.

“I’m well aware,” I sighed, looking up at her. The smile that had been on her face since she saw me was now gone.

“You can either spend all night hating this, or you can at least try to have fun. I know you don’t want to be doing this and I know you don’t like what happened, but you are doing this and it did happen. So have fun with it when you can.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she just continued. “And if you don’t want to do it for your sake, do it for Celestia’s sake. When was the last time she got a chance to relax and have fun with friends? And I don’t mean sex, I mean clean fun.”

Before I could reply, Celestia walked back in. This wasn’t the normal Celestia we all know and love, no. This was the smoking hot human Celestia that only I ever (biblically) knew. And of course, she wasn’t wearing any clothes, not that I’d trust any fabric to hold back her glorious bosom. “Well, this party just got good,” I said from my position under Cadance.

Celestia grinned and her horn lit up very brightly. That light quickly transferred to Cadance, who immediately lost her balance and fell down on me. Normally, that would be at least slightly upsetting, but since Cadance turned into perhaps one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen, I didn’t have any room to complain.

“Alright, this just isn’t fair,” I said when I got a good look at her. “Luna’s like a delicate and beautiful flower, Celestia’s fucking sexy as hell, and now Cadance is angelically pretty. Are all princesses in this place really just that lucky?”

Cadance blinked a few times before very slowly lifting her hands in front of her, looking at them in shock. “I’m… I’m a human!”

“Yep. And I’m very seriously rethinking my status on going after married girls, especially since you’re already all over me.”

Celestia chuckled and pulled her off me. “Down, girl,” she said. “And what do you mean, it’s not fair? You’re pretty!”

I snorted and said, “Yeah, pretty plain. I’d be called cute at best, though that’s honestly pushing it.”

For better or worse, Cadance got over her shock rather quickly and started smirking again. “Well then, we’ll just have to fix that.” Her horn lit up and she started pulling over one of the boxes she brought in earlier.

“I believe that can wait,” Celestia said.

“Aww, but I wanted to make her really cute!” Cadance said, trying and failing to use puppydog eyes. Gonna need some more training with that human body. But man oh man, would I love to see you trying…

“Well, I don’t think there’s any reason to ruin the makeup by doing this later,” Celestia said, using magic to grab one of her pillows. Before I could ask what she meant, she took it in her hands and slammed it into Cadance. “I believe a pillow fight is in order,” she said with a small smirk.

“I’ll try to watch the horns,” I sarcastically said, rolling over to dodge the swing Celestia was making at me. Before she could recover, I grabbed the pillow and snatched it from her grasp, then jumped up to beat her upside the face with it. She went down, a very surprised look on her face. Before I could even start to celebrate, I felt a pillow spank my ass and then hit my stomach, held by a light blue aura. “Hey, no magic!”

“Well, I don’t know how to walk, so it only seems fair,” Cadance said, attacking Celestia before she could get a pillow to attempt to defend herself.

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing you crawl,” I said, hitting Celestia again as she was trying to get up. “No promises my intentions would be pure, though.”

“Tch, pervert. Though I wonder what Shining Armor would think of this body…” As she was saying that, she was hitting one of Celestia’s arms as she tried to sit up, making the old lady fall right back down.

“I bet he’d—” Celestia interrupted what I was going to say by grabbing my pillow as it was coming down on her and snatching it away, then throwing it at Cadance, who was also about to hit Celestia again. That shocked lovebutt into dropping her pillow, which Celestia then grabbed before it hit the ground and slammed it into me.

“Well, that was quite fun,” Celestia happily said, somehow thinking it was over. Cadance very quickly disabused her of that notion, throwing the pillow right back at her with magic, and throwing me a pillow from the bed while she was at it.

Or maybe she was throwing it at me, but the end result was the same: While Celestia was reeling from Cadance’s throw, I capitalized on her weakness and slapped her upside the face with my new weapon, sending her back to the ground. I sent Cadance a thumbs up. She replied by hitting me in the back with a pillow, knocking me on top of Celestia as she tried to get up.

“I hope you realize, of course, that this means war,” I said, narrowing my eyes slightly.

Cadance giggled and grabbed another pillow from the seemingly endless pile on the bed. “Come at me, sis,” she happily said, her face twisting into a cute little smirk.

And so the battle raged. Boundaries drawn and redrawn, fortresses made and defiled, temporary pacts formed and betrayed. Truly, epics could be written about the war fought that night. But I’m lazy, so I’ll just give a more direct version.

Celestia was the first to bow out. After all, she was old and weary of the world. Also, swinging around those massive boobs was annoying and she was probably tired of me ‘accidentally’ falling into them.

That left the battlefield to me and Cadance. Pillow fighting experience and magic met treelike stamina and professional weapons training. Every thunderous blow traded left red marks on our tender and pale bodies. Every agile dodge sent beautiful flesh jiggling. Every inch gained or lost brought one side closer to ruinous defeat and the other to glorious victory.

Finally, after a long and grueling battle, I had Cadance—who had at some point figured out how to walk—against a wall, holding one pillow and waving it violently in the air to try to keep me back. After being forced to back away several times, I finally used one of my pillows to catch hers as it swung, then tucking it under my arm and wrapping my arm around both of hers, as they tried to free her pillow.

One of my weapons was disabled, but the other wasn’t. I held it high, ready to strike the final blow, but hesitated. “I’ll let you free, with but a single boon,” I said, smiling since my victory was assured.

“What could you possibly want from me, monster?” she asked, still fighting to free her arms and the pillow they held.

“Just a simple kiss, my dear,” I said, tightening my grip around her arms. “That’s not so much to ask, is it?”

“And betray my Shining Armor? Never!”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Such a shame. Then you shall die for your love.” As I started to swing the pillow down, she jerked her arms one last time, catching me off guard and freeing her pillow. She brought it up and slammed it into my face right as mine connected with her head. Both of us went down, because it’s a cartoon world where stuff like that happens.

“Well, that was certainly entertaining,” Celestia said from her position on the bed.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if I had bruises tomorrow,” I sighed, sitting up and rubbing at my head.

“What’s a bruise?” Cadance asked, also sitting up and rubbing at her head.

“If you keep that pretty little body, you’ll find out,” I said as I turned to Celestia. “Or do you feel like healing us?”

“No, no. I think that’s a good way to burn off a lot of your extra energy,” she said. “Now… How about dress up time?”

“You see, you say that, but I really can’t imagine you’d have clothes to fit us,” I said. “I know you put a lot of planning into this, but there’s no way you’d have our measurements.”

For some reason, the smile that came to her lips when I said that was not at all comforting. “While it’s true that I don’t have clothes to fit all of us and that I don’t know any of our measurements, I do happen to know somepony that knows your measurements.” My wings immediately sank, sensing a disturbance in all things good. “If things had been as they should, I would have skipped this part, though that would be rather disappointing. As it is, a certain fashionista has been making you all kinds of outfits, Nav. And when I had Twilight ask about it, she was all too happy to let me borrow them.”

It’s times like these that I wish I had just stayed with the monkeys. As much as I wanted to tell her to fuck off, Cadance’s shark-like grin told me all I needed to know about how willing they’d be to let me skip that part. Still, I knew I had to make the effort. “Can’t we just talk about this?” I asked, putting on what used to be my most winning grin.

To answer me, Cadance grabbed me with magic and pulled me up to her so she could unbutton my bra (when Rarity asked how I wanted it designed, I told her to put a button up front in the middle so they’d be easy to remove). “Am I gonna have to help you remove those, too?” she asked, looking down at my panties.

“Only if you make me beg,” I morosely replied, too depressed at the moment to even try to make it sound sexy.

“Is she always like this?” Cadance asked, turning to Celestia.

“Yes, though she does try to behave herself in public.”

“Says the person who molested me with her hair at a large party!”

“Hey, you both enjoyed it and deserved it!”

“Well, I don’t see you molesting me now.”

“And she’s not going to,” Cadance said, grabbing my legs so she could uncover my poor feet. “You know, your hands and feet are softer than what I was expecting from a soldier…”

“My tree stuff keeps calluses from forming.” And also Flo, but there’s no need to mention that. “Though I don’t know how you’d know about that, since you aren’t used to hands.”

“I don’t know what calluses are,” she said, her predatory eyes moving to my panties. “It’s just that Shining Armor feels so hard sometimes, but your hands are so soft.” She lifted me up with magic and used her hands to steal away the only garment I had left to protect my innocence.

“Is that really necessary?” I asked.

“Hey, we’re all girls here,” Cadance said, putting me back down. “So, where’s all the outfits?”

The expressions on my face and on Celestia’s face had an inverse relationship as she used magic to open her closet and pull out at least ten different outfits. Rarity, what the absolute fuck are you even doing?

“Where oh where should we begin?” Celestia asked, smiling at the look of profound horror upon my face.

“Ooh, let’s find one her little dragon special somepony would like!” Cadance happily said, hopping up to peruse them more easily.

“That won’t be necessary,” I said. “She left a week or two ago.”

“Oh. When’s she gonna get back?” Cadance asked.

“Probably never. I don’t know since I was almost dead and not around at the time.” When I said that ‘never’ part, it clicked with her. As soon as I finished speaking, Cadance was hugging me.

“I’m so sorry!” Cadance said, actually sounding remorseful for some reason.

“As nice as your body feels against mine, I have to say I’m not upset about it,” I said, patting her on the back to prevent my hands from going places they shouldn’t.

“There’s no need to put on a strong face for us, Navi,” Celestia slyly said. “And I bet I know just how to make you feel better. Cadance, how does a full makeover sound?”

“I think it sounds like something that would make any girl feel better after being dumped,” Cadance said as she pulled away from the hug. The frown from her faux pas was replaced once more by a scary grin.

“Oh, but isn’t it always better to give than to receive?” I quickly asked, trying to get away from it. “And wouldn’t that be such a nice gift to give our host?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Celestia breathed from behind me, right before she wrapped her long arms around my shoulders and pulled me back onto her lap. “The night is still young and there are so many outfits to try on… I think we have time to give you a new look to fit each of them!”

If Flo hadn’t been giggling at me, I would have assumed I just fell into a nightmare. As it was, the two of them spent three fucking hours dressing me up in every single outfit they had and painstakingly putting makeup on me to fit each one.

It was hell.

Finally, finally, they ran out of clothes for me to put on. The last one they had me put on was a lolita dress. Not the fake child porn kind of lolita, but the old-fashioned, black, Victorian-style lolita. To fit that, they used a lot of dark makeup in an attempt to make me look gothic or something. I can’t imagine it looked very good with my green hair.

When the two of them were finally done, they took a step back to admire me. “Black isn’t really my color, but I might have to commission a dress like that,” Cadance said as she circled around me to get a look at all sides. “For somber occasions only, of course.”

“I don’t know about that,” Celestia said, nodding and smiling at my suffering. “But it’s certainly nice to look at. Why don’t you do a little curtsy for us, Nav?”

Why don’t you suck my clit? “I think I’ll pass,” I coldly said, turning away. The dress swished annoyingly when I did that, making me grimace.

“Oh, you’re so adorable,” Cadance said, chuckling.

I closed my eyes and started counting to ten, just thinking about all the revenge I was going to get on Celestia when the Gala came. When I hit the magic number, my fists unclenched and I pulled the dress down so I could step out of it. “We’re done, right? Mark that off the list.” Of course, that left me in some very racy lingerie, but at least the dress was finally off.

“Yes, yes, we’re done with that,” Celestia said, using magic to collect the dress and hang it up properly. “Which moves us on to the next part of the night,” she said, sitting down and patting the floor next to her. Cadance happily joined her. I thought for a moment or two before joining her as well. That immediately taught me that sitting down with a thong on isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing in the world if you aren’t used to it, but at least I wasn’t in that dress anymore.

“So what’s next?” Cadance asked.

“Truth or dare,” Celestia said. “I believe the guest of honor should start. So, Nav?”

Finally, a chance of revenge at Cadance. “Truth or dare?” I asked the princess of love.

“Truth,” she merrily answered.

“Describe a typical sex session between you and Shining Armor,” I said, smirking.

Her face immediately turned bright red and her eyes went wide. She began stammering something or another, trying to avoid any real answer. After a few seconds of that, Celestia put a hand on her shoulder. “Come now, Cadance. We’re all girls here. Just tell us.”

Cadance took a very deep breath and looked away, thinking. After a few seconds, she said, “W-well… Since we’re both very busy with running a kingdom and taking care of a foal, we don’t really get to… do much very often. When we do…” She took another deep breath and slowly let it out. “When we do, I let him pick out the toy we use, then I strap it around my hips. He uses magic to lube it up, then I penetrate him and ride him like a mare until he begs me to stop. Then I sit on his face until he gets me off. When we finally go to bed, I get to be the big spoon and sometimes keep the toy in all night.”

Celestia had a very, very ‘what the fuck’ look on her face. I was just smirking like crazy until she finished, when I said, “Fucking hot. How long does he last?”

“You only get one question!” Cadance shot back. “And now it’s your turn! Nav, truth or dare?”

“Dare, of course,” I said.

“I dare you to take a date to the Gala!”

“Done. I’m already going with Celestia,” I said, my smirk only growing.

“Wait wait wait,” Celestia said, finally recovering. “You ride Shining Armor? Not the other way around?”

Cadance sighed and said, “Yes, auntie. A certain friend of ours suggested it.” That second part was said while glaring at me. “My husband had a few issues regarding sex, so Nav gave us some advice. Now please, can we stop talking about this?”

Celestia turned to me and asked, “If you suggested that, why wouldn’t you ever let me do that to you?”

“Because I don’t want nothing up my fucking hershey highway,” I answered with a shrug. “That’s a one way street, baby. So Celestia, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” she said. “But I’ll say right now that I won’t betray any state secrets.”

Shoot, there goes that plan. “Ugh, fine. Have you ever had sexual thoughts about your sister? Or has she told you about any thoughts about you?”

“Yes and yes,” she said. “While I’m not attracted to mares, there is a… comfort involved in having somepony around as long as she was. When you live so long with only one person as a constant, you come to… rely on them in some ways. And I suppose you know by now that we aren’t biologically related anyway, so it’s not like it would matter too much… Not that she knows that, though.”

Now, I wasn’t too shocked by that. Cadance, though… “You had sex with Luna?!”

“Dear me, no! But thoughts about it? On occasion, over the centuries. If you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

“I already do,” I said. “I’ve had sexual thoughts about both of you, after all.”

Celestia snorted and said, “Nav, truth or dare.”

“Truth.” As much as I wanted to say dare, I had a feeling she might try to use that to get me to do something I really didn’t want to do.

“Ooh, I actually get to make Nav tell the truth,” Celestia sultrily said. “Hm… Do you have your sights set on any mare—or stallion—now that your pretty dragoness left you?”

“Not really. A few that I definitely wouldn’t mind doing illicit things to, but relationships don’t belong on the road, and I have a feeling we’re still going to be gone for a while. Besides, I’m not going to stop looking for ways to fix my body, so I’d have to find someone willing to deal with that.”

“But when you finish your little quest?” Cadance asked.

“It’s not your turn,” I said. “So Cadance, truth or dare?”

“Tru—Ugh, dare.”

“Is Shiny here in Canterlot right now?” I asked.

“No. He’s taking care of the kingdom at the moment.”

Damn. Although… “Alright. I dare you to wear a vibrating plug at the Gala.”

“A… a what?” she asked.

“Oh dear,” Celestia chuckled, covering her face.

“A buttplug that vibrates,” I said. “I can take you to get one tomorrow.”

“That’s disgusting!”

“You picked dare,” Celestia said, patting her on the shoulder. “But just think: You can get one for Shining Armor, too!”

“Yeah. They even make them remote controlled, so you can turn it up whenever you want,” I said. “So if he starts talking to a pretty mare, you can just bump up the power and remind him who his ass belongs to.”

“...Are they discreet?” she quietly asked, a blush growing on her face.

“Oh, definitely,” Celestia said. “Why, if somepony was wearing one, you would never even notice…” Her little smile told me exactly what she was currently hiding. “Though if you turn it up on full power, the noise might be noticeable in a quiet room. But if you’re at the Gala and wearing a dress, no pony would notice.”

Cadance sighed, her wings and shoulders sagging. “Then I guess we’re going shopping tomorrow, Nav,” she said. Fuck yes. “Truth or dare, auntie?”

“Hm. Dare. But nothing sexual during the Gala. Nav and I already have… plans.”

“Ugh! Do I even want to know?”

“The reason I’m sitting in this room right now is because we made a deal,” I said. “I get to do sexual things to her, invisible, at the Gala. In return, I’d be a good little girl and have fun at her slumber party.”

“Really, auntie? Why would you agree to that?!”

Celestia rolled her eyes and answered, “The Gala is always boring. I look for ways to liven it up each year. This is how I’ll do it this year. So what’s your dare, Cadance?”

“Ugh… Fine. I dare you to go on a public date outside of the Gala.”

That got Celestia to actually flinch slightly. “Oh… Er… Nav, how long are you going to be here, again?”

“Few weeks, probably.”

“...Do you want to go on a date?”

Fuck it. “Sure. No promises it’ll lead to anything.”

“I understand. We can make plans later.”

“I absolutely refuse to go to the Loveboat,” I immediately said.

“Hey, Shining Armor took me there once!” Cadance said. “That place was fun!”

“Yeah, if you’re a teenager. I accidentally took a lesbian there a year or two ago. Worst mistake of that week.”

“...You accidentally dated a lesbian when you were a guy?” Cadance asked, actually surprised.

“We were looking for a place to eat and picked one at random, not realizing it was a place for couples. Before we could leave, one of our friends that happened to be there on a bad date forced us to join her. One thing led to another and before the week was done, I almost turned a lesbo bi.”

“...Weird.”

“Anyway, my turn,” Celestia said. “Nav, truth or dare?”

Time to live on the wild side, and fuck me for it. “Dare,” I said, already dreading what she’d say.

“I dare you to try anal,” she predictably said.

“God fucking dammit. Fine. Never let it be said I didn’t try everything at least once before I say never again.”

“I doubt that’ll happen,” Celestia sweetly said. “The first time is difficult, but it gets progressively better.”

“Shining Armor said the same thing,” Cadance confirmed, nodding. “He tried it on me a few times, but he… didn’t last long enough to make it feel good.”

“You two really need to work on that,” I sadly said, shaking my head. “Cadance, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” she said, then whispered, “Though I bet I’ll regret it…”

“Do you know what swinging is?” I asked.

“It’s when fillies and colts get on a swing set, duh.”

“Well, so much for that…”

“What’s your definition of swinging, then?” she asked.

“It’s when you swap sex partners,” I said. “Sometimes married couples do it to spice things up. But it’s probably not something you and Shiny should do, so instead, I dare you to show Shining Armor all those fanfictions you wrote about him as a teenager.”

Her eyes immediately went wide. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You wrote things about Shining Armor?” Celestia asked.

“Sure did,” I said, nodding. “One involved a male vampire, a sexually loose male partner, and a bdsm club.”

“Twilight said she wouldn’t tell anypony! And I didn’t change it to Shiny until after she read them!”

“I have my ways,” I said with a smirk. “So make sure to show them to him.”

She sighed and looked away. “I guess I’ll have to dig them out of my old room here… Knew I should have burned them when we actually started dating…”

“So… what else did that story entail?” Celestia asked me.

“The vampire and the loose partner double-teaming poor Shining Armor, not that he minded too much. I don’t know much else, though.”

“It’s weird that you even know it at all!” Cadance growled. “I didn’t tell anypony!”

“Funny how that works out,” I said, leaning back.

“I believe we have time for one more round,” Celestia said, since it seemed obvious that Cadance was getting a little upset. “It’s late, after all, and I still have a kingdom to run. It’s your turn, Cadance.”

She sighed and said, “As much as I want some revenge for that, auntie, truth or dare?”

“I believe there have been enough strange dares passed around tonight,” she said. “So truth.”

“What was your first time like?” Cadance asked.

Celestia blinked a few times, her eyes going unfocused. “That was… a long time ago,” she quietly said. “It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t fun, and it only happened because I wanted to do anything to feel better after a battle went very poorly. I don’t even remember the stallion’s name, but he didn’t enjoy it that much either. It… didn’t make us feel better.”

“How long ago was that?” I asked.

“It’s not your turn,” Celestia answered. “And I believe that’s the end of the game, since I’m rather tired. Besides, you should never ask a lady her age.”

“I already know you’re only around sixty-two hundred years old.”

“That’s more than I know, then,” she said. “Luna and I stopped keeping count some time ago. Now, let’s head to bed.”

“Aren’t you going to turn us back first?” Cadance asked.

“There will be plenty of time for that in the morning,” Celestia said, standing up. “I’m going to go freshen up, first.” She walked over to the bathroom, leaving me and Cadance alone again.

“You know she’s wearing a buttplug right now, right?” I said, standing.

“No way!”

“She always does,” I said as I began removing the sexy panties.

“That’s really, really weird. And more than I ever wanted to know.”

“Hey, maybe you’ll like it,” I said with a shrug. “We’ll certainly find out tomorrow, when we go get you one.”

“Ugh. Are you really so shameless?”

“She asks as I strip down in front of her. You should know, since you lived with me for nearly a year. And that was before Spike and I had to pretend to be married.”

“Wait, what?”

“Down in South America, the two of us got captured by some monkeys that turned me into a queen. To avoid getting married to any of them, Spike and I pretended to be a couple. That involved us doing… many things together.” She smirked and started giggling again. “Hey, laugh all you want. That helped him get his wings, so I don’t mind it so much.”

“Spike has wings now?”

“Sure does. Got them saving me from giant spiders. He actually burst into flames when they came out.”

“That’s really cool… And possibly romantic.”

“Nothing romantic about it,” I said, shaking my head. “Those things were going to rape and torture me. If he didn’t save me, I probably would have found a way to kill myself.”

Before she could respond to that, Celestia extricated herself from the bathroom. “I’m ready for bed,” she said, walking over to said bed. All of its pillows were back in place, at that point, so she just fell onto it.

“And I suppose I should also go freshen up before going to bed,” Cadance sighed, standing.

“Have fun with that,” I told her, hopping up and walking over to the bed. Cadance snorted when I fell on the bed as well and cuddled up next to Celestia, making sure I pressed myself against her boobs. “You’re the best, Princess Breastia,” I happily sighed.

“Do I need to leave you three alone?” Celestia sweetly asked.

“I wouldn’t say no, but I think that can wait.”

“Until after our date?” she asked, one of her hands going to a place I considered inappropriate but not unwelcome.

“Isn’t it uncouth to put out after the first date?” I whispered, running one of my hands down her wing.

“No pony ever said I wasn’t naughty,” Celestia answered, leaning in and kissing me goodnight.

Before we could continue our illicit actions, Cadance joined us in bed, putting me in the middle. Since Celestia and I were currently facing each other, Cadance became my big spoon, pressing her breasticles into my back and pushing her body fully against mine. Celestia’s horn lit up and the light turned off, then the soft, satiny blanket pulled over the three of us.

“Good night, auntie,” Cadance yawned. “And ‘night, Navi.”

Fucking blue beaned. God dammit. Flo, think their dreams will still be in the dream world?

“Don’t even think about it,” Flo said.

Before I could promise to not think about it, Celestia’s horn lit up again and the pall of sleep fell over me yet again. Of course, I appeared in Flo’s glade. As soon as I did, I broke out of that and into the dream realm, looking around for a few specific dreams. When I saw Celestia’s and Cadance’s dreams, a wicked smile came to my lips.

“Welcome to wet dream central,” I whispered, flying toward Cadance’s dream.

Needless to say, I ended up getting even more revenge on both of them for making me dress up like that, though Flo most definitely did not approve.

When the sleep spell wore off the next day and I was allowed to wake up, Celestia was already gone, leaving me alone in bed with a furry and horsey Cadance. I waited for a minute or two to see if Celestia was still around and just in the bathroom or something, but the complete silence seemed to say otherwise.

When I tried to get up, I realized that Cadance was definitely holding onto me and seemed rather unwilling to let go. I tried pulling away again, but she pulled back and pressed her hips forward, then whispered, “Five more minutes and we can go again, honey.”

I smirked and pressed my ass back against her. “Why not now?” I asked.

Her eyes shot open and she pushed me across the bed. “N-Nav?”

I turned over and ran a finger down the bed, smiling prettily. “The same. So you wanna go again?” I sweetly asked.

“Ugh. I need a shower…”

“So do I. Meet me back here in half an hour and we can go shopping.”

“How about an hour, so I can eat first?”

“Oh, you don’t want to make a day out of it? Too cool to hang out with the human, now? I see how it is.” I sighed and rolled away from her and then off the bed, letting my wings sag as I walked to the bathroom.

“Oh, fine. If you’re going to be like that, we can hang out all day.”

I instantly perked up and turned back around. “Nah, I was just fucking with you. I got stuff I need to do today. I’ll meet you in the main dining hall in half an hour.”

“Why do you have to be so difficult?” she asked, shaking her head.

“Because it’s fun. See you soon!” I giggled and let myself into the bathroom, swiftly closing the door behind me.

An hour or so later, the two of us were walking the streets, heading to The Crop. Cadance vehemently denied knowing anything about the store, though I was pretty sure she was lying. After all, the toys she used on Shiny had to come from somewhere.

Going to that place is always definitely an experience, and since I don’t want anyone that might possibly be reading this to know what I got to torture Celestia with, I won’t record the experience in this instance.

Not that there are any such people, right? (Spike, if you’re reading this, I’m standing behind you with a knife.)

So another half hour later, we were walking somewhat aimlessly around the streets of Canterlot. I was walking perfectly normally, but Cadance’s back legs didn’t seem to want to bend correctly. “It feels so weird!” she whispered to me when we were a few blocks away.

“That’s why you’re practicing now,” I said, patting her gently on the back. “You don’t want to be walking like that at the Gala.”

“...Walking like what?” she quietly asked, stopping.

“Like you’re trying to attract every stallion on the street,” I said. Her ears immediately shot down, a small blush coming to her face. “...Let’s try flying,” I said, spreading my wings. The two of us flew up. Since I could see my ship nearby, I started flying to it. “This shouldn’t be as bad,” I said.

“I can feel it pulsing around back there!” she hissed. “Every flap jostles it!”

“This is what you get for playing truth or dare,” I sweetly said.

“I knew I should have dared you to do something weird like this… Where are we even going?”

“My ship. I’m going to drop these bags off and start on my errands for the day.”

She snorted and said, “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I came?”

“Wow, already? You’re just as fast as Shiny!”

“Ugh! What is wrong with you!?”

“I’m perverted. Why do you want to come with me?”

She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s not like I have anything else to do. And I want to get used to this… this thing in me away from too many ponies.”

“I should tell you that I’m going into the Everfree, then. I probably won’t stay long, though.”

“I know how you are in that place. I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, whatever. I’m definitely not planning on spending too long there anyway.” At that time, I hit the deck, finding it almost completely empty of anyone.

Almost isn’t entirely, though. “You talk to the princess for me?” Kat asked.

“...Fuck. I knew I forgot something.” Thanks, Flobama. She popped me a good one for that, but I didn’t make any reaction. “Let me drop these bags off and talk to Spike, and we can go talk to her,” I said.

“What do you need to ask her?” Cadance asked.

“If she can send out a memo about our giant spider guest,” I said.

Cadance’s ears shot down again. “G-giant spider? You actually have one? Here?” That last word was barely a squeak. Just as she asked that, I saw something moving above her. I looked up there and saw Spider using a thread to lower himself to the deck right in front of Cadance. As soon as she noticed him coming down, she squealed and jumped behind me. Of course, Spider was also spooked and jumped to hide behind Kat.

“See, those are the kinds of reactions I figured he’d get,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Well, we need to get him off the ship anyway,” Kat said. “According to the captain, we all need to clear off soon so he can get some ponies here to repair the ship. We’ll need rooms somewhere else for a few days.”

“Fuck. What’s everyone else gonna do?”

“All the bat ponies already left,” she said. “Zecora went with Watcher. I think Jak went with his assistant. Gilda flew off to Ponyville. It’s just me, Taya, Spider, Doppel, Spike, and some of the crew left. I have plenty of bits after Watcher paid me, but getting a room for Spider might be… problematic.”

“If push comes to shove, there should be room in my house. I can stay at the palace and set you two up there.”

“He’s… not dangerous, is he?” Cadance finally asked, standing up on her hind legs to peek over my shoulder.

“He’s just a kid,” I said. “And he’s almost definitely more afraid of you than you are of him.” At that point, he was also peeking over Kat’s shoulder at Cadance. “Now, he is dangerous, but then, so are you and I. He’s not about to hurt anyone.”

“Oh…” She cautiously stepped out from behind me. “Do you want me to go talk to Celestia, then? You can talk to Spike and I can tell her about your problem, then get back here quickly.”

“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “Tell her that he’s shown no sign of being like the others.”

“Alright. Though why can’t you just let them stay at your house?”

“Because I let some friends live there until they can afford a place that’s large enough for them and their kids.”

“That was… really nice of you,” she said, actually sounding slightly surprised. “Well, I should go speak to auntie again, I suppose… I’ll see you soon.” She spread her wings and jumped up again, awkwardly flying away.

“She seemed… jumpy,” Kat said.

“She’s trying out a new toy, if you know what I mean,” I replied. “I’m going below.”

“Are all ponies really that horny?” she muttered as I walked away.

When I got below, I bumped into a tired Doppel. “Oh, hey master,” she yawned. “When did you get back?”

“A few minutes ago. I’ll be leaving again soon, though.”

“Oh, then I have a message for you. Watcher said to make sure to talk to Spike about going to Reginald’s cave.”

“I was just about to do that,” I said. “How would you like to live in the royal palace for a few days?”

“That place is alright, I guess. It’ll probably be more fun this time, though. The last time, you wouldn’t let me do anything.”

“You’ll have more freedom this time. Go pack whatever you want. Even if you don’t end up at the palace, apparently we all need to vacate the ship, so I’ll have you all move to either a hotel in Canterlot, the palace, or maybe our old house.”

“Works for me,” she said. “If you want to talk to Spike, he’s still asleep.”

“Not for long,” I said. “See you later, Doppel.”

“Of course, master,” she said, slowly walking back to her own room while I went to mine.

Taya was still lazing about on my bed, also sleeping. I decided to let her stay there for now and dropped the bag full of toys off while I went down to Spike’s room. When I let myself in, I saw that he was definitely still asleep and his lower half was out of the blanket, giving me a sight I didn’t want.

I carefully tossed the blanket over him before shaking him. He grunted and grabbed my arm. All I had time to do was look surprised before he yanked me down on top of him, gently petting my hair. “I am not a teddy bear,” I hissed, pushing myself right back off of him and flipping his mattress.

That woke him up. “What?” he asked, jerking upright and sleepily looking around. When he saw me, he blinked. “Oh, you’re back.”

“Yeah. Take a quick shower and eat. We’re going on a field trip.”

“Where?”

“To talk to Reginald. If possible, you’re going to be staying with him for a few days.” More like a few weeks.

“What? Why?”

“We gotta clear the ship and I figure he can use that time to fill you in about more dragon stuff. It’ll be good for you. So take a quick shower and eat.”

“Where are you gonna be staying?”

“Probably the palace. Perks of being the princess’s booty call.”

“...So while you get to live in luxury, I have to live in the middle of the Everfree in a cave?”

“Spike, I’m a defenseless woman. If I went to live out there, I’d be raped and eaten instantly.” He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Then stop treating me like one. Yes, I get to stay in the palace. Celestia doesn’t have a lot of meat and a ton of gems to feed you, so you need to live somewhere that does. Thus, you’ll be staying with Reginald, if he doesn’t mind. So again, take a shower and then eat. Meet me on deck when you’re done.” At that point, I left, though I think he still wanted to continue the conversation.

With Spike awake and getting ready, I walked back to my room where Taya hadn’t stirred. I gently shook her awake, hoping she wouldn’t have the same reaction Spike had. Thankfully, she didn’t, and woke up rather easily. “Daddy?” she asked, following my arm up.

“Yep. Sorry I didn’t get back last night,” I said. “I definitely wasn’t expecting what happened.”

“What did happen?” she quietly asked, sitting up.

“A sleepover,” I sighed. “It was awful.”

“Oh. Did anyone tell you that we have to get off the ship?”

“Yeah. I sent someone to talk to Celestia. We’ll probably stay at the palace, unless all the rooms are full. So pack whatever you think you might need, because I don’t think we’ll be back on the ship until it’s fully repaired. We’ll probably be leaving when I get back from meeting with a friend.”

“Can I go?” she asked.

“Did you suddenly sprout wings?” I asked.

“...No.”

“Then I’m afraid not. It’ll give you time to take a shower, eat, and make sure you’re fully packed, at least.” I started grabbing the dragon armor Spike made and stuffing it into the weird cloak thing.

“Why are you packing that stuff?” she asked.

“I’m going to ask that old friend to look it over, see if he feels anything weird coming from it. He’s one of the few people I know that’s qualified to do that. He’ll also be able to tell me if it’s a good or bad idea to wear it.”

“...Just who is this friend?”

“Reginald the dragon.” It didn’t take me long to pack the armor, and thankfully it wasn’t overly heavy.

“If you don’t trust it, why did you wear it before?” she asked.

“Because sometimes you have to do stupid things for friends,” I said. “Spike did a lot to get me this armor, so I had to at least try it on once for him. But I haven’t worn it while fighting yet and I won’t until I ask this guy about it.”

“Are you gonna bring him the other things you found?”

“Nah. He’s a dragon, not a mage. I’m heading topside. Make sure to take a shower and eat before packing.”

“Ugh. Why do I always have to take a shower when I wake up?”

“Well, you can take one before you go to bed, if you prefer. They just always helped me wake up, so I waited until morning. But you’re going to be taking at least one shower a day, while we have the water for it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

“Yep, sure is.” I grabbed my sword, my rifle, and a few magazines. “See you when I get back, dear.”

“Okay, daddy,” she answered as she hopped down and I walked out.

A little less than half an hour later, Cadance was back on the ship, swaying her hips slightly. “Are you sure this thing’s always… supposed to be on?” she asked, panting slightly.

“Enjoying it a little too much?” I asked with a smirk. Kat and Spider were on the other side of the deck at the moment, so they weren’t hearing anything they shouldn’t.

“Yes.”

“Then turn it down a little. Edging yourself can be a lot of fun, especially when you know it’ll be a while before you can actually cum. If you keep yourself frustrated and on edge until you get home to Shiny, the first orgasm you have will be mindblowing.”

“...Edging myself?” she exasperatedly asked.

“It’s when you get right on the edge of an orgasm but then stop what you’re doing so you don’t actually cum. Since you have that thing in anyway, you might as well try it.”

She pursed her lips and her horn lit up. A second later, she visibly relaxed. “You’re a horrible, horrible influence on me.”

“Sure am. What did Celestia say?”

“You’re all welcome in the palace, though she said you would have to pay rent.”

“Did she say how much?”

“Just that you would be walking funny, whatever that meant. So are we going to the Everfree now or what?”

“I need to tell Kat and then we have to wait for Spike. He should be up soon.”

So I went to tell Kat the good news and that she needed to pack some stuff. She responded as I figured she would and took Spider back down. A minute after she left, Spike came up, carrying a rucksack, the crossbow, and a quiver of bolts. “Ready to go?” I asked him.

“I guess. Hey Cadance. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for the Gala,” she said. “And I didn’t have anything else to do, so Nav said we could hang out and have a girl’s day out!”

“Hey, why does she get to say that?” he asked.

“She doesn’t,” I answered, swatting her behind. She jumped a lot more than she should have, probably because of the toy, and glared at me. I just smiled sweetly and asked, “Shall we?”

Spike spread his wings, making Cadance smile. “Cool, huh?” he said. “I actually got them saving Nav!”

“He told me,” Cadance said. “I thought it sounded rather romantic, myself.” A large blush quickly covered Spike’s face.

“N-no! It was just… helping her. Him! Helping him!”

“Ugh. Let’s go,” I said, walking over to the side and jumping off. I knew they’d join me eventually, so I just started flying toward the forest at my normal speed. Sure enough, both of them joined me in the air a few moments later. “Hey Spike, make sure to stop by Ponyville to show off your wings before we leave,” I said. “I’m sure everyone there will love to see them.”

“Think they’ll recognize me?”

“You haven’t gotten that big yet.”

We continued the pointless small talk all the way up to Reginald’s cave, where we landed an appreciable distance away. “I think I’ve met this dragon before,” Cadance said when we were down.

“He was at the Gala when I got stabbed,” I said.

“Oh, yes. Auntie Celestia asked me to introduce myself. He didn’t seem that interested until I mentioned you.”

“Weird. I need to talk to him alone for a few minutes, though,” I said. “It shouldn’t take too long. Wait out here.”

“Sure it’s safe?” Spike asked.

I looked at the scorched skeleton of some Everfree predator and said, “Yeah, you’ll be fine. See you in a few.” He shrugged and pulled his crossbow up as I started walking toward the cave. I heard the two of them start talking behind me, but I didn’t really care to listen.

It didn’t take me long to get into his cave. Once again, as soon as he realized I was there, his head snaked out. “I smell a new visitor,” he rumbled. “Is it a thief?”

“I know it hasn’t been that long,” I said.

“New smell, new voice… yet familiar body,” he said, his head moving in close. “Could that be… Navarone?”

“It is. How do I smell?”

“Sweet. Smells and voices do not just change. Are my eyes deceiving me, or is it my ears and nose?” To punctuate that, he shot his tongue out at me and stopped it mere inches from me, then schlicked it back in. “My taste, too, is off. What manner of sorcery is this?”

“It’s a curse from your old friend Discord,” I answered. “He turned me into a female.”

“Now that is something that chaotic soul would do,” he said, pulling away. “Speak, friend, and tell me my original name.”

“Friend, if that’s what you mean. Then you learned it was Reginald when you spoke to Luna.”

“Navarone, indeed. So you have confirmed that Discord is free?”

“Yeah. Celestia finally realized it after he stole the artifacts that locked him away. I’ve been away from Equestria, trying to find them and other things.”

“Excellent! Now that the threat is known, I shall rejoin Luna and we can hunt that madman down!”

“That… might be a problem,” I said, scratching at my neck. “Luna’s kinda… in prison.”

Reggie blinked and very slowly moved his head down to mine. “What. Did. She. Do?” he rumbled.

“You really, really don’t want to know.”

“I will either learn from you or I will learn from Celestia, and I would rather hear it from the lips of a friend, Navarone. Did she side with Discord?”

“No. And I say ‘prison’ lightly, because I don’t actually know where she is. But I was told she was in a place where she belonged. As to her crimes… Come on, man. Please don’t make me tell you.”

He lifted his wings and said, “Should you stay silent, I will fly to Canterlot immediately.”

I sighed and said, “Can we talk a little more comfortably, then? This isn’t exactly a fun topic and I don’t want to crane my neck.”

One of his hands carefully wrapped around me and he started lifting me, then stopped. “Your body feels… different,” he said, opening his claw and looking down on me.

I cupped my boobs and said, “Female. We’re shaped differently.”

“Ah, I see.” He continued lifting me up to the tall spire he used to talk to guests. “So tell me, Navarone. What did Luna do?”

“Promise you won’t get mad.”

He blinked a few times. “Why… would I get mad?”

“She… mistreated me.”

“Mistreating is a very wide statement. What actions could she have committed against a friend that would put her in prison?”

“...Do you know what rape is?”

It took him a few very long seconds to reply in a voice that I was not comfortable with. “I do.”

“Luna kinda… raped me.” He immediately started growling. “A few times.” Smoke started coming from his nose. “And tried to kill me a few times.” Both of his claws clenched, cutting through the stone. “And I don’t suppose you happen to know what love poison is?” The spikes he had on his neck started sticking straight up. “Oh, and she used her power of dreams to make all the ponies dream about fucking me.”

Things got very silent in that cave for about half a minute before he roared, “SHE WHAT?!” The force of that shout was almost enough to knock me off the fucking spire. For one brief moment, I very seriously thought he was going to kill me. “Where is she?” he hissed, his vestigial eyelids blinking and his pupils retracting.

I immediately jumped off the spire and flew over to his face, wrapping my arms around his snout. “Reggie, calm down,” I said, hoping a hug would have some kind of effect on him.

“I demand the truth of the matter,” he said, shaking his head once. “I trust you and I trust Luna. You would not lie, but she would not do such things!”

“Hey, I understand that you’re mad, but you can't do anything like this! You’ll kill somebody!”

“‘Twould merely be justice!”

“Murder is vengeance, not justice.”

“And you? You do not desire to rend her flesh and snap her bones? You, who is the purported victim of these crimes?”

“I can’t lie: I’m a predator. I want her punished for what she did. But violence isn’t the way to harm a princess, Reginald. Reputation is key. And her reputation was destroyed when she publicly confessed. That was enough for me.”

“Then why is she in prison?”

“Because she broke the law. Whether or not her actions were enough for me, they weren’t enough for the law. She is being punished, Reggie. There’s no need to hurt her.”

“I would still very, very much like to… have a discussion with her. A long and pointed discussion. Do you happen to know the penalty for such crimes in the dragon horde?”

“I uh… I heard the penalty for rape was… getting raped to death.”

“You heard correctly. And the penalty for murder?”

“...Um. Getting… murdered to death?”

“Close enough. There was talk of inducting her to the dragon horde in times long past. Her sister would not hear of it, but I remember such times well. Who knows where Luna is?”

“...I’ll tell you, but you have to do me a favor first.”

His eyes narrowed and he carefully grabbed me with one of his hands, yanking me away from his face and setting me back on the spire. Once I was away from him, I was able to get a better look and see that he had mostly calmed down. Or at least, it looked like he calmed down.

“Please do not sit on my face again,” he said. “Your smell is… enticing. Things might end poorly for you if you do so again.”

“Um. Noted.”

“Tell me this favor, Navarone. I very much wish to have a discussion with that mare.”

“You remember Spike?”

“I do. His scent is mixed with yours, in fact.”

“Yeah, he’s waiting outside. Lately, he’s been kind of a dick. We’re going to be in Equestria for a few weeks, and I wanted him to stay with you while we’re here. If there’s anything you can teach him about discipline or how to hold back the monster inside him, I would be very grateful.”

“That is… usually something each dragon must learn on his own.”

“But most dragons live with other dragons for some of their lives. Spike hasn’t. He’s almost as tall as I am now, he’s definitely stronger than I am, and he has wings now. I’m not asking you to do any miracles. I’m just asking you to help him if you can.”

“...Very well. I feel some responsibility for his fate, anyway. Come back to me when you are prepared to leave. I shall… attempt to help him in the interim.”

“Awesome. Oh, and one more thing, if you don’t mind.” I spread my wings and flew down to the cloak I dropped when he picked me up the first time, then opened it. “What do you think of this?” I asked, holding up the breastplate.

“It looks like dragon scales,” he said, reaching a claw out to it.

“Your eyes are working well,” I said. “We ran into an undead dragon in Antarctica. Spike got some of its entropic aging breath, turned into a giant, and then wrecked that dragon’s shit. My crew looted some scales and started making armor from it. I wanted to know if it was safe.”

He lowered his claw and stared at me. “That story is… strange. First, an undead dragon?”

“Yeah. There were a ton of undead down there, all surrounding an ancient and horrifyingly haunted bunker that almost killed me. The dragon was probably the most powerful thing my crew encountered. I was trapped in the bunker, so I didn’t see it myself.”

“That is… discomforting. Did you track down the necromancer?”

“No. We left, since I was almost dead when my crew finally saved me and we were only down there to protect some civilians. Celestia said she was sending someone to take care of it, though.”

“Good, though it sounds like a story I would be happy to hear later. You said Spike gave you this armor?”

“Yeah. He didn’t even think about it being cursed or anything.”

“...Do you remember what I said about dragon scales?”

“They’re really good armor?”

“A dragon giving scales to another is one of the greatest signs of love a dragon can give.”

“I’m sure Spike wasn’t thinking about that when he did this.”

“Are you, now? Your new form is fair and your scent is enticing. Could it not be that he is falling for you?”

“No, it couldn’t be. And if it is, I trust that’ll be something you teach him to forget while he’s staying with you.”

“Yes, that would be wise. As to the armor, I have no idea. Despite popular belief, dragons are not magically sensitive. In fact, we are magically resistant. If you wear that armor, expect some degree of protection from magic.”

“What about lightning?”

“Stay away from lightning, though I don’t know why you’d even ask. That… is not good for us. At all. But that’s a dark story for another time. As far as I know, that armor is safe, though I’d be somewhat wary of using it around other dragons. Some would not wait to hear the story of how you obtained it and would be rather displeased that you had it at all.”

“I will keep that in mind,” I said, stuffing the armor back in the cloak and tying it up. “So let’s go talk to Spike, shall we?”

“Very well,” he said, reaching down and grabbing me for whatever reason. With me in hand, he started walking out.

“You know I can walk, right?” I asked.

“I’m well aware. But you’re also smaller and thus slower than I am.” That was a good point, so I didn’t refute it. Since he set me down when we got outside anyway, I figured it didn’t matter. “And you brought more company than just a dragon,” he said.

“Hello again, Master Reginald,” Cadance said, bending her neck slightly.

“Hello, anomaly,” he replied. “And greetings, Spike. You are going to be spending some time with me.”

“I guess,” he answered with a shrug. When he said that, he seemed to shrink slightly, clinging more tightly to the crossbow.

“Hm. I will see you in some time, Navarone,” Reginald said. “The day is young yet, and I believe Spike and I need to have a talk.”

“Alright. See you later, Spike.” Cadance trotted over to me, her horn lighting up.

When she got to me, Spike said, “Nav, can we—” Before he finished whatever he was going to say, Cadance’s horn lit up much brighter and the two of us teleported back to the ship.

When we hit the deck, I loudly popped my neck and shook my wings. “Warn a guy before you do that,” I said. “Long distance teleportation is always weird.”

“Sorry. I just really wanted to get back so I could… adjust this thing.”

“Still bothering you?”

“The flight over there was not fun at all.”

“Then follow the lady’s instructions for it. Go downstairs to the bathroom, gently pull it out, clean it and use the bathroom, relube it, and pop it back in.”

She shuddered and nodded. “That’s a good idea. Where’s the bathroom?”

“I’ll show you,” I said, walking over to the stairs.

When I got to them, though, the captain was walking out. “Ah, Nav, there you are.”

“Yep, it’s me. I’m working on getting everyone off the ship. I should have it clear of all my people within the hour.”

“Excellent. I decided to do a full checkup, since we’re going to be here for a little while. Where will you be, if I need to contact you?”

“We’ll be staying in the palace. Let me know when the ship’s done.”

“Will do, sir.” Then he finally looked behind me and his eyes widened. “Princess!”

“Please, relax,” she said. “I’m here as a short guest, not as a princess.”

“Well, you’re certainly welcome,” he said, bowing.

“And no bowing, please,” she sighed.

“Of course, of course,” he said, his ears flinching. “I’m just… gonna head up.” He finally walked past me and made sure to skirt around Cadance before heading up to the wheel. By that point, though, we were already heading into the bowels of the ship, to Kumani’s old room.

“Here you are,” I said, opening the door to the large bathroom down in the cargo hold. “I’ll be heading up to deck when I got everyone packed and ready. I’ll probably need some help to get everyone to the palace, if you don’t mind.”

“I can do that,” she said, walking past me and into the bathroom. “I’ll be up momentarily.” With that, she pulled the door shut and I walked up to my room. Taya was, of course, sitting on my bed with a bag next to her and a book under her nose.

“Why are you always in here?” I asked. “I mean, it’s not a problem, but you do have your own room.”

“It smells like you,” she answered without looking up.

“Creepy.” I pulled open the bag I took to the castle yesterday and pulled out the dirty clothes, then started pushing some clean clothes in there. I didn’t know how long we’d be in the palace, so I made sure to pack plenty. When the bag was mostly full, I opened my chest and put the laptop, its charger, and the magic key in there. All that done, I figured I was as ready as I could be, so I grabbed that bag, the bag of armor, and the bag of illicit toys and stood. “Ready?” I asked.

“Yep.” She floated the book she was reading to her bag and pulled it closed, then hopped down. “So how are we gonna get to the palace?”

“Either fly or teleport, depending on Cadance,” I said, walking out and then heading up to the top.

“Why her?” Taya asked.

“Because she’s here with me,” I said. “Somewhere around here, at least.” She wasn’t on deck yet, that was for sure. I figured it would take her a few minutes, anyway. “I’m gonna go find Kat and Doppel, then. Wait up here.” I set my bags down and walked back into the ship. Doppel and Kat were in their respective rooms, and I quickly had them both heading to the deck, since they were ready to go.

By the time we were all in place, Cadance came back up, seeming to walk slightly easier. “Are we all set?” she asked.

“Yep,” I said.

“Good, good. Could you take Doppel and fly there yourself?” she asked. “Teleporting more ponies is hard, so I’d prefer to do it with fewer of them.”

“Sure, if you can take my bags,” I said.

“Those are easy. Just leave them.” I nodded and left them, then stepped away from the group with Doppel. “You’ll be in your normal room,” Cadance said. “The others will be around you, so it shouldn’t take you long to find us.”

“It won’t,” I said. “See you all soon.” Taya waved as Cadance’s horn lit up and they teleported away. Gourd’s head poked down from the wheelhouse at the sudden popping noise. “We’re heading down now,” I said. “As soon as Doppel and I take off, you’re clear.”

“Then I’ll see you when the ship’s done, Nav,” he said with a nod. “Have fun at the palace.”

“Right. Fun. See you, Gourd.” With that, the two of us took off, heading toward the palace.

It wasn’t an overly long flight, and I knew exactly where the room was, so we were able to go in through the window, all ninja-like. Cadance was waiting in there with Taya, trying to engage the poor filly in some kind of discussion.

“So which room is mine?” Doppel asked.

“You’re next door, where you and Chrysalis stayed,” Cadance said. “Nav’s in here, Taya’s on the other side, and Kat and Spider are sharing a room on the other side of Doppel.”

“Awesome. Thanks for the help, Cadance,” I said.

“No problem. If you need anything else, find a maid or ask Celestia. I would stay, but I ran into Twilight when I was here earlier and told her we could spend some time together when I got back to the palace. Though you’re welcome to come too, Nav.”

“Nah, I won’t interrupt your time together. I know she likes monopolizing you as much as possible.”

“Yeah, she does…” Cadance sighed. “Well, I’m sure I’ll see you before the Gala in a few days, anyway. Oh, and be sure to wear a pretty dress for it!”

“...I’ll think about it,” I lied. “See you later, lovebutt.” She waved and then lazily teleported out. “Well alright then,” I said, stretching. “Doppel, you’re free, but don’t make trouble.”

“Of course, master,” she said with her airy little giggle that just implied she was ready to ruin as many marriages as possible. I knew she was just faking it, though, so I didn’t press her. “Though you do sound rather stressed…”

“Just a little blue beaned,” I told her. She winced slightly in sympathy.

“What does that mean?” Taya asked.

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I said, tousling her hair.

“Or you could tell me so I’ll understand now,” she said, using a hoof to fix her hair.

“It means I spent a lot of time being really horny with no relief,” I said. “But that’ll change soonish.”

“...Oh. Why’s it gonna change?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I said, tousling her hair again. She bore it with a petulant silence that time, dying a little inside. “I’m gonna go see if Kat wants a tour around the city.”

“Can I come?” Doppel asked. “I’ve been to Canterlot a lot, but I never really learned my way around.”

“Sure, though expect to get stared at a lot more than usual if we do go. With me, Kat, Spider, and you, we’ll be Canterlot’s own little freak show.”

“...Maybe I should go on my own, then,” Doppel said. “In disguise.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of that room and then down to Kat’s.

She opened it on the first knock. “Yeah?”

“You want to go on a tour?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I do, but your princess doesn’t want Spider leaving this room until tomorrow. She’s sending word out today about us and asked us to stay out of sight until everyone had a chance to hear.”

“Oh. That’s actually a pretty good idea. Canterlot is… not a very welcoming place to outsiders at times. Especially ones that go outside of their accepted attractiveness levels.”

“I see. Well, it would still be nice to see the city later. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Maybe. And the party of the year is coming up in a few days, too. Celestia might give you invites. Or she might not. Anyway, if you want anything, let me know.”

“Celestia already sent a maid by with that note and instructions to help us however we needed.”

“Oh. Well, if you want any company or anything, let me know. If not, I suppose I can go crash in my room and recover from last night’s ordeal.”

“It sounds like you need the rest, then,” she said with a shrug. “I will see you later, Nav.”

“Alrighty, then. Have fun with Spider’s hot white wads.”

She rolled her eyes and walked back into her room, gently swinging the door closed. I just chuckled and walked back to my own room. When I got there, I found that Doppel had already left. Taya, unsurprisingly enough, hadn’t. “So now what?” she asked.

“Now, we chill,” I said, reaching down to my bag and pulling out the laptop. She joined me on my bed moments later and the two of us merrily chilled.

For the first twenty-four or so hours of homecoming, it wasn’t that much of a bitch. I knew that was only a sign that the things to come would be worse, though.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixteen

Chapter One Hundred and Sixteen

When it was further into the day, I figured it was time to get the rest of my errands in Canterlot done. “So where are you going now?” Taya asked as I got dressed into less casual clothes.

“Unicorn tower,” I said. “Then a few other places all over Canterlot. It’s going to be a lot of flying.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” she asked, looking around the relatively bare room.

“You have a giant palace at your disposal, complete with its own library, swimming pools, gardens, mazes, kitchens, and statues. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

“Can we do something when you get back?” she asked.

“What do you want to do?”

That one stumped her. “Um…”

“Think of something while I’m gone,” I said. “It’ll probably take more than an hour or two. And don’t forget to eat lunch.”

“Hey, when was the last time you ate?”

“This morning,” I lied. Thankfully, her horn didn’t light up. At that point, I was ready to go, having everything I was planning on taking with me. “I’ll be back when I’m back, I suppose.”

“Do you know where Twilight is?” Taya asked as I walked to the window.

“With Cadance, probably. Oh, you should find them and do fun girl things with them!” I got the flattest of the flat stares for that. “It’ll be fun!” The flat stare intensified. “I promise!” I think her eyes were starting to break. “I’ll see you when I get back, Taya.”

“...I’ll miss you, daddy,” she said, her creepy stare shattering.

“Then I’ll be sure to hurry.” With that comfortless statement, I defenestrated myself and flew off, quickly gaining air. The unicorn tower isn’t that far out of the city, but the city is fairly large, even though a good portion of it hangs off a fucking mountain. Either way, it only took about seven or so minutes to get there. Passing through the guard station out front and getting inside didn’t take very long either, though I did get hit by a bolt of magic that dissipated through my ring.

When I got inside, a different secretary was on duty, though this one was just as female. “Can I help you, Sir Navarone?” she asked.

“Yeah.” She blinked at my voice. “That’s what I need help with. I need to talk to the time traveling guys, anyone who might be able to break a curse, anyone that might know about magic artifacts, and anyone that might know about gender magic.”

“I can grant you access to the mages that know about curses and those that focus on gender studies, but I need to talk to some of the administrators about letting you back to talk to the time unicorns.”

“Well, they’ve granted me permission before. I don’t see why they’d deny me again.”

“In that case, it shouldn’t take long. But you might as well talk to the others, first,” she said, walking over to the teleporting pad. I followed her and stood on it, removing my ring. “I’ll send you to the curse mages and artificers first, since they’re on the same floor. When you’re ready to talk to the gender mages, go to the top floor.”

“Alright, easy enough.”

“Second floor.” With that, she pulled the lever thing, teleporting me up a level. The directory on that floor listed the artificers and the curse guys on the exact opposite levels, since my life is suffering and it’s not like it was going to get better anyway. Since I had the gender stones on me and getting those fixed was my main hope, I started walking down to the magic item guys.

When I finally got to their room on the very far side of the building, I just let myself in because I’m a bad person or whatever. One of the unicorns within looked up when I walked in. The others were all too busy poring over several magical items that I recognized from Athena’s realm. “You!” she shouted, making all the others look up.

“I get accused of being me a lot,” I said, nodding. “You guys mind—”

Before I could continue, all of them teleported across the room to surround me. “Twilight told us you helped her obtain these artifacts,” the one that ended up in front of me said. “Where did you find them?”

“I’ll tell you if you try to help me with my problem,” I said, crossing my arms.

“An acceptable trade,” he said, nodding. “What ails you, Sir Navarone?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the grey stones. “These used to be pink and blue and they would swap the gender of whoever touched them. Now they’re grey and I’m stuck as the wrong gender. Are they fixable?”

“Excellent question,” the leader said before teleporting back across the room. The others all followed him, surrounding the table of artifacts. “Bring them over here and we shall look at them.”

“You could have just taken them with you,” I said, walking over to the table.

“It’s unsafe to handle any magical artifact unless you know what might possibly trigger it. Since you are already holding them, I know they won’t be bothered by your hand. Since they were in your pocket, I know they won’t be bothered by inanimate objects.”

“Those are very good points,” I said, setting them carefully on the table so they didn’t risk rolling and hitting the other artifacts. “But they’ve been handled by magic before. Simple telekinesis, at least.” After I said that, I backed away from the table so I didn’t get in the way of whatever the fuck they were doing.

“It’s still better to be careful,” the lead dude said as someone else stepped in front of the stones. That chick’s horn lit up and a light aura surrounded the two of them before seeming to get sucked in. A moment later, a bolt of magic shot out of both of the stones and hit me.

It took the researchers far too long to recover, but by the time they did, I realized what happened: I was back to being a guy. “Yes! Fucking YES!” And then another bolt shot out and turned me back into a woman. “God fucking dammit.”

“What… just happened?” the lead guy asked.

“They turned me into a guy for about two seconds and then turned me right back,” I sighed, my body sagging.

Everyone’s attention was drawn to one of the chalkboards on the far side of the room as a high-pitched squealing noise came from it. When we looked over, we all saw something being carved into it. “You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?” it read.

“That… chalkboard is not magic,” someone said as they all eyed it in wonder.

“That’s someone reminding me that my life is a cruel joke,” I growled, snatching the stones up and shoving them into a pocket. “Thanks anyway.”

“What do you mean?” the leader asked, grabbing me with magic to stop me from leaving. It was then that I remembered I forgot to put on my ring.

“These gender stones were made by a demon of chaos. They worked well for a while, but their curse hit me a few months ago. I was hoping it would be an easy fix, despite every other expert I spoke to saying it was impossible. I forgot that hope was a commodity I’m not allowed to own.”

“That’s… really, really depressing,” someone behind me whispered.

“Well, the stones are unfixable,” the mare that cast the spell on them said. “They have no detectable magical properties at all.”

“We just watched them shoot magic!” the leader said.

“I’m well aware,” she replied. “But I wasn’t able to detect it, aside from by sight. Diagnostics turned up nothing. As far as I can tell, they’re just normal rocks.”

“I’m not that surprised,” I sighed. “If you guys find anything else that swaps gender, let me know.”

“I… guess we can do that,” the leader said. “But before you go, where did you and Twilight find all these artifacts?”

“In a pocket dimension inhabited by an extremely ancient mage. Twilight actually has several more artifacts she didn’t give you, too.”

“She does? Where?”

“I dunno. I just know we got a lot of stuff out of that place and that’s nowhere near all of it.”

“...I see. Where’s the portal to the pocket dimension?”

“You don’t want to go there. You do not want to go there. That place is extremely dangerous and if you make one mistake, you can get killed by a magic resistant golem, a glob of ink, mindless husks, living books, or worse. Getting through the maze is damn near impossible and it almost killed both of us.”

“If you both survived, couldn’t you escort others through the maze?” he asked.

“No. If either of us go through, even with other people, we go straight to the end. The mage there is ornery and unhelpful. The true prize is in surviving the maze, though I wouldn’t hold your breath on that.”

“But it can be done. Who are you, to hold the keys to a locked museum of artifacts?”

“I am the one entrusted with the portal,” I replied. “I am one of the few that survived the gauntlet. But tell you what. If you really, really have a deathwish, come find me at the palace tomorrow. Bring whatever you want, because whatever you bring carries through with you. Which means, of course, bringing a large bag, some food, and some water, because it took us hours to get through it. I’ll give you a night to think about it and to decide if an extremely large possibility of death is worth whatever you might find. Anyway, I’m leaving now.”

They were all silent as I walked out. I didn’t expect to see any of them the next day.

My next stop was all the way across the building, but I didn’t bump into a single person in the halls as I walked. That wasn’t really too surprising, because all of the researchers were busy researching and most everyone else stayed away from the tower. When I got there, I first put my ring on and then let myself inside.

And I was immediately glad that I put the ring on, because as soon as I opened the door and put my foot in, one of the ponies within shot a black wad of magic at me. “And that’s why you knock,” he said with a smirk.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” I said, walking in the rest of the way. “I need your help with something, if you don’t mind.”

“...How are you not a frog right now?” the guy that shot me asked.

“Magic nullifying ring. Is it possible for you to tell if someone is cursed?”

“How much do you want for that ring?” the guy asked.

“There is not enough gold in the world. Or enough anything else.”

That guy seemed somewhat dismayed, so someone else asked, “What makes you think you were cursed?”

“Because I was born with a penis. I touched a magic artifact that stopped working afterward. I no longer have a penis. The princesses seemed to think the artifact was cursed.”

“We… don’t really deal much in artifacts,” he said.

“I already spoke to the guys that do deal in artifacts. They said I was shit out of luck. I was hoping you might be able to do a curse removal or something and see if that does anything.”

“Oh, sure. That’s easy enough. Just take the ring off, if you don’t mind.”

I shrugged and did so. Before that fellow could even charge up his horn, the first guy shot that spell at me again. “Ha! That’ll teach you to knock!” he laughed as I easily sidestepped it. “Oh come on!”

One of the others smacked him in the back of the head. “Stop embarrassing us,” she said. He rubbed at it and muttered, looking away.

The nice guy’s horn lit up and a white spell hit me. “Depending on the magnitude or strength of the curse, the removal process could take a while. If it ends up taking longer than five minutes, you either aren’t cursed or the curse is beyond anything anypony here can fix.”

“Well, it’s probably going to be pretty powerful…”

“Maybe. You’d be surprised how weak magic can become with time. If it’s a magical artifact, it’s probably rather old. Those are very rare. Where did you even find it?”

“The Everfree Forest. It was in a magical room hidden somewhere in there. I later learned that they were created by a demon that likes playing pranks. They successfully worked for a while, but stopped while I was in the wrong body.”

“Bummer.” More boring and pointless small talk happened while we waited. When the time finally ended, nothing happened. I expected nothing, and yet I’m still let down. “Well, that’s that,” the guy said. “Do you have your uh… dongle back?”

“Nope. I kinda didn’t expect to, though.”

“Well, sometimes curses wear off on their own. If it actually is one, don’t give up hope. It’s entirely possible that one day you’ll wake up and be right back to normal.”

“That would be nice. For now, I guess I’ll go talk to the gender guys.” Everyone in the room flinched. “What?”

“You don’t want to do that,” one of the mares said. “They… aren’t what you think they are.”

“Well, I still gotta try.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” On that ominous note, I let myself back out and started walking back to the teleporter, removing my ring as I walked.

When I got to the teleporter pad, I said, “Top floor,” and pulled the lever. It deposited me all the way up there, whereupon I quickly remembered that the higher up you went, the more useless the mages were. The directory didn’t have that much on it since I was in the actual tower at that point and the area wasn’t very large, but everything there seemed really, really strange. Gender studies was right at the top of the list, which thankfully meant I didn’t have to walk very far to get there.

Just a few moments later, I was standing outside of the room. Remembering what the lady told me, I slipped my ring back on and let myself in. A very… frantic looking stallion was the only fellow in the room, and he looked up when I entered, surprise on his face. “Ah, brother! Welcome!”

“Uh… Hi.”

He blinked at my voice, but got over any shock quickly enough. “How can I help you today, brother? Is the matriarchy oppressing you? Is that princess trying to keep you down? I know she thinks she owns you, with all the time you’re forced to spend around her!” Oh my God, it’s a men’s rights activist. I took a better look at him and sure enough, he had what looked like a neckbeard and there was a trilby on the table next to him.

“I uh… I got the wrong room,” I said, backing out without breaking eye contact. A look of supremely profound disappointment came over his face when I said that. It almost tempted me to try talking to him, but I didn’t want to do that to myself. As soon as I got out of the room, I pulled the door shut and ran to the teleporter, immediately zapping myself to the ground floor.

The secretary looked over when I appeared. “You’ve been granted permission again, Sir Navarone,” she said. “They’re in the first room on the left when you step into the hallway.”

“The first room? I had to walk half an hour to find them, last time.”

She nodded. “That was probably a year or two ago, then. They recently completed a large experiment that raised their reputation a lot.”

“Yeah, I… heard about that. Maybe they can help, then.”

“Good luck,” she said as I walked to the back doors. They yielded easily to my superior human might, and I opened the first door on the left. When I stepped inside, I found myself out in the hall again, making me sigh. Then I turned and knocked, because apparently that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Sure enough, the door opened on its own and I let myself in again, this time to the proper room. It also happened to be the exact same room as before, despite being in a different place. They all looked up from their places around one of the tables when I walked in and most of them smiled. “Sir Navarone!” the leader called, hopping to his hooves. The others started whispering to themselves as he approached and I walked in further. “We were wondering when you would visit us again.”

“I’ve been busy,” I said. “And once again, I need your help.”

“Did your… voice change?” he asked.

“Among other things. I need to go about a year back in time.”

“Well, I wish we could help you, but that’s sadly impossible.”

“You sent me back untold eons in time before. What’s a single year?”

He sighed, shaking his head. “If it were that simple, we would be a lot more active than we are nowadays. Going back short jaunts accurately is simple enough, up to around a week. We’ve done extensive testing and found that anything further than nine days is nearly impossible to control. Past that nine day period, it’s impossible to pinpoint a time. A month has a deviation of ten years. A year is longer. After we sent you back the first time, we realized we very, very badly misaimed, since we had to use the spear of destiny to age you. We were over two thousand years off, though it’s probable the inclusion of the other three weakened the spell to make it more accurate.”

“What about five months?”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid you don’t understand. The deviation is forwards and backwards. It’s entirely possible that you could end up twenty years in the future. Time magic is hard to control and extremely dangerous. Starswirl the Bearded was one of the only unicorns to ever make the attempt, and he only mastered it to a week. Since that time, several thousand years ago, we’ve only improved it by two days.”

“What’s so bad about going to the future for a day? Can’t I just promise to stay hidden or whatever? I only need to go back for an hour, to any time within the past two years. Surely that’s not so much to ask. You guys should be able to get it right on the second or third try, right?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t.”

“I will give you ten thousand bits if you do this.”

“That kind of money won’t be useful if we break the mage’s law and end up in jail,” he said. “We know the possible consequences of going to the future and we know it’s possible, now. We’re not going to do it again.”

“But didn’t you go back once? Back when I first met you guys?”

“Yes, I cast a spell to go back in time a few years. It wasn’t specific. I just knew it was five years because I remembered the incident and I had been keeping track. In short, I got lucky.”

“...Fifteen thousand bits, a magic key that unlocks anything, and the promise to break you out of jail if you get arrested.”

He sighed and asked, “What’s so important that you’re willing to do so much to go back?”

“About three months ago, I had working magical artifacts that changed your gender whenever you touched them. About two months ago, they were no longer working. However, I was currently under their influence at the time. So I am now a female. I would rather not be female.”

“That is… unfortunate for you. Was anypony else affected?”

“Everyone around me, when I go into heat. No one’s used to my pheromones, so things… get awkward. My girlfriend left me because she wasn’t a lesbian. Everyone’s acting weird around me and it’s getting annoying. I will write you a blank check and you can write whatever number on there you want, and I will pay it. Send me back in time, man.”

“As tempting of an offer as it is and despite how much you helped us, I can’t. And no pony else here can, either. All I can promise is that we’ll continue improving the magic required to go back. After the experiment we did with you, we got a lot of interest and a lot of support, so we can actually properly research things now.”

“If you’re only at nine days now, by the time you can send me back a year, I’ll have been a fucking girl longer than I was a guy!”

“Well… Once we pick up the trick, I expect the time we can travel will increase exponentially. I don’t know how long it’ll take, though.”

“It will never be soon enough, but find me whenever you do. I don’t care how you track me down, just do it.”

“Of course, Sir Navarone,” he said, nodding. “I don’t suppose you have the time to talk with us about the trip to the past you took?”

“Only if you can answer another question about it for me.”

“Ask away,” he said, nodding.

“I left some clothes back there. Would it be possible to home in on them and cast a spell to open a portal between the two times?”

“...Perhaps. Why would you want to?”

“Because humanity is currently extinct. I want to know if it’s possible to bring some of them forward to build a colony here so we get a second chance.”

“...Let’s go for a walk, Sir Navarone,” he said, walking over toward the door. I shrugged and started following him. When we got into the hall, he closed the door behind us with magic and then opened it again, walking through. Since what was on the other side of the door was just more hall instead of the room, I followed him again. “Alright. It’s possible, but we can’t do it here. And I certainly can’t do it now.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“We can’t do it here because the standard policy is that nothing other than the caster is allowed to cross between times, and definitely not permanently. However, in such a situation like this, I think that policy is highly unethical. So if you can find me a location to cast that spell, where the other humans won’t be noticed for some time, I will find other unicorns that agree with me and we can cast the spell for you.”

“...Then why can’t you agree to cast the other spell on me?”

“Because while I would be willing to help you, I wouldn’t be able to find many others that would be willing to do so. Going back in time to save a species is one thing. Risking going into the future on accident to save your… genitalia is another. I have to warn you, though, it’ll probably take us a while to home in on the items you left behind. Even then, there’s going to be a small deviation. The only reason we can do it at all is because we already transported you in those clothes, so they’re marked with magical residue.”

“Spells have far too many fucking bullshit rules.”

“There are times when I agree. But they are still very useful. I regret that I couldn’t help you, but surely there are others here that could. Have you tried the artificers?”

“Yeah. And the curse guys. I even tried the gender studies guy.”

“...How’d that work out for you?”

“I immediately walked out. I tried talking to a mage that was nearly as old as time itself and was not able to get any help. Long story short, I’m fucked.”

“Where did you find that mage?”

“A pocket dimension inhabited by things that want to kill you. Don’t worry about it.” He shrugged. “If there’s nothing you can do to help me, I guess we’re done for now. I have other shit to do while I’m in town.”

“Then I won’t keep you. Let me walk you back to the lobby.”

“I really hope that’s not you trying to hit on me,” I said as I followed him back through the door.

“Just saving you half an hour of walking,” he said. “Good luck, Lady Navarone.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to need it,” I sighed, my wings sagging.

My next stop was the bank, where I checked to make sure I was still being paid for all the books I was writing, and that all the gems from the changeling mine were being dealt with appropriately. I also picked up a few checks, so I could get things I needed in town without carrying a ton of gold.

After that, I stopped by my publisher’s company to drop another book off, since I didn’t have much else to do in my spare time aside from trying to be a good father. The secretary at that place gave me a packet full of letters and envelopes from someone that actually managed to figure out who the publisher of the books was.

That might merit some explaining, so I’ll say that I went out of my way to make sure I would never let anyone figure out it was me writing the books. Or at least, I did my best to hide it as well as possible and still have them about humans. I made sure my name wasn’t on them anywhere, which meant a pen name, and I made sure every reference to myself painted me as the opposite gender. Of course, that didn’t fit anymore, but it made sense at the time. And the only stipulation I had for the publisher is that their name never appeared on the books either, so no one would think to ask them.

I’m paranoid, alright?

Anyway, I took the letters with some small disdain and shoved them into a pocket so I could put them somewhere back in my room to forget about later. Then I went to my next destination, actually feeling somewhat nervous. Despite the nerves, I knew what I was doing was right.

That became somewhat easy to forget when I entered the doors, though. “Welcome to clown college!” a smiling pony shouted as he jumped over the front desk, shooting confetti into the air. “How can we make you smile today?”

...Maybe this was a mistake. “I was uh... I was wondering if you guys needed... I don't know, donations or something.”

“Our laughter jar is always open! I know my suit sure is threadbare! All the polyjester is wearing out!”

I guess some things never change. “I meant more in terms of gold. Or gems.” Or maybe sexual favors, if you get me drunk enough.

“Ooh, I could use some of that to go to the doctor. I've been feelin' kinda... funny!”

As soon as he said that, another clown wearing some kind of doctor's clothing kicked a door open and jumped through. “Feeling funny, you say?”

“Well, more like feeling kinda sad, I guess…”

“Oh, sad? What's wrong?”

“I think I broke my funny bone!”

“I have just the treatment for that!” The doctor clown reached into the room behind him and pulled a massive cannon out, as if that made any sense. While the first clown was still marveling at it, two nurse clowns ran out of the room and threw the guy into the cannon. “YOU'RE FIRED!” The doctor pulled the cannon's cord and shot the guy through a conveniently placed window, then looked at me. “So, are you looking for a job? It's a fun job, but you'll have some large shoes to fill!”

“...I'm just gonna look around the campus, if you don't mind.”

“Well, if you need anything at all, just pout and we'll be there to help!”

“Right.” He gathered his nurses and they started pulling the cannon back into the tiny room. I just shook my head and started looking for some kind of financial office or something.

For better or worse, the 'campus' wasn't overly large, so the place I was looking for wasn't too hard to find. When I let myself in, there was an older stallion sitting behind the desk, a massive blue frowny-face painted onto his lips. “Can I help you?” he asked, his voice extremely low and dull.

“I was wondering if you guys accepted donations,” I said.

“And why would you like to make a donation?” he asked, his voice sounding more and more resigned.

“A clown helped me when I was in a very dark place, and I always pay my debts,” I said.

“What kind of donation would you like to make?”

“Preferably gold,” I said. “Or rather, a check. I can't imagine I have much else that you guys would want. Maybe some old training weapons for some more literal slapstick humor, but that would probably be unpleasant.”

“The commonly accepted donation is laughter. Would you like to make a donation of laughs, as well?”

“No, I doubt you could get me to laugh. To be honest, I don’t even like clowns. But I know you ponies do, and, as I said, one saved my life, so I figured I would repay him.”

“Not all ponies do,” he sadly said, shaking his head. “How much would you like to donate?”

I shrugged, pulled out one of the checks, filled it all out on his desk, flipped the paper over, and stood, keeping one finger on the back of it. “Turn this over in ten minutes,” I said. Instead of making any kind of vocal answer, he just stared at me. Since that was kind of creepy, I started backing away until I was out the door.

Then I walked to the nearest door I could find and flew off, my good deed done for the day. After all that Popsy had done for me, just leaving a tip didn’t really feel like enough, but there wasn’t much else I could do. I mean, the original dude was dead. I figured the best I could do for him was leave a donation to the pony clown college.

That was really the last ‘errand’ I had to do for the day, but I just rode the winds above Canterlot for around fifteen minutes, scouring my mind for anything else to really do. Honestly, there isn’t much there I’m really interested in. If I could find him, I could visit Fancy Pants, but I’d be more likely to just run into him at the Gala if I ever took a break from Celestia. Vinyl or Octavia might have been in town, but there would be no way for me to know where they were. Every one of my crew members disappeared without leaving any contact information, so I couldn’t talk to Watcher or Jak.

So unfortunately, I was left with only the most boring thing left in my arsenal: Spending time with my daughter. Still, that gave me the chance to get her a teddy bear or something, so at least we didn’t have to stay in the damn palace until Celestia could summon me to her chambers to fuck me in the ass.

I had my own special plan to avoid that, even though I knew she would be very gentle. I just didn’t want her to have the satisfaction. With things as they were, I didn’t know if I’d be able to enact that plan, but I was certainly hoping. Living in the palace, I’d only be able to avoid her for so long before she made time when she knew I was there.

Anyway, I flew directly up to my room’s window and let myself in. Surprisingly, Taya actually wasn’t in there. That gave me a chance to change into something less formal and more comfortable, not that I had been dressed overly formally in the first place. It also let me grab and hide a few weapons about myself without Taya staring judgmentally at me, as if I should be ashamed for daring to try to protect myself when she was around to do the protecting for me.

When I was good and ready, I turned to the door to find that a maid was standing there. There’s no telling how I didn’t hear it open, but whatever. “Princess Celestia would like to know if you are available,” she quietly said.

“I’m not,” I said. “I promised my daughter I’d spend time with her when I got back.”

“I shall tell her you’re… busy, then.” She turned to go, but stopped and turned back. “Sir, did you… change something?”

“Yeah, I’m a woman now. I mouthed off one too many times at Celestia, so she cut it off and is keeping it as a trophy.”

“Um… That’s not… That’s not true, is it?”

“No. God no. I got hit by a curse and nothing can fix it. Or at least, nothing I’ve found so far will fix it.”

“...There are some ponies that might call such a thing justice, you know. Many newspapers have reported that you’re a marizer.”

“I had a lot of sex, but I have never bothered a mare that didn’t want it. If someone tried calling this justice, I would have a few unpleasant words to say to them. And then a few unpleasant punches to give them.”

She shrugged. “I have a report to give to the princess. Farewell for now, Lady Navarone.” She left before I could correct her, though after a second of thought, I realized that it honestly didn’t fucking matter. If not even the unicorns could turn me back, I figured I was probably going to be stuck as a girl for a long, long time.

Anyway, I waited a few seconds after the maid left, so it didn’t seem like I was creepily following her or whatever, and then went down to Taya’s room. Since we weren’t on the ship anymore and I couldn’t relatively easily hear through the walls, I knocked on her door. After all, I didn’t want to barge in on her doing something I didn’t want to see.

Imagine my surprise when no one answered. After about a minute, I just let myself in to find the place empty. Since she wasn’t there, I walked down to Kat’s room, because I didn’t expect Doppel would be in her room. Now, I wasn’t expecting to see Kat getting freaky with Spider or some kind of orgy if I walked in, but to be polite, I knocked first. Kat opened it a few seconds later.

“You know where Taya is?” I asked.

“She’s in here,” Kat said, pushing the door open further so I could see. Sure enough, there she was, sitting across the room from Spider. “We were just… talking.”

“She was telling me about the march, back in Egypt,” Taya said, standing. “You never really talk about it, so…”

There’s a reason I don’t talk about it. “Well, did you still want to do something together?” I asked.

Given that she was already walking toward me, her answer should have been obvious. “Of course. I even came up with something to do.”

Kat scratched at the back of her neck. “Before you go, can you show me where the library is?” she asked. “If we’re going to be stuck inside all day, we might as well have something to do.”

“Sure. It’s not that far of a walk. He coming?” I asked, looking over to Spider.

“Not today,” she answered. “I don’t think your princess wanted him out yet, even in the palace.”

“Fair enough. And she’s not my princess,” I said, starting to walk down the hall.

“Do you not serve her?” Kat asked as the two of them joined me in the hall.

“I do her favors occasionally. Sometimes we trade services. But I never paid taxes and I’m not certain I’m even technically a citizen.”

“So who is your ruler, then?” she asked.

I almost said my dick, but then I remembered that was no longer possible. “I’m a free man, I suppose,” I said with a shrug. “It’s nice.”

“Could you not claim your own kingdom, then? Become a king, or queen?”

“Couldn’t you?”

“I suppose I could… But I doubt there would be many that would choose to follow me. You, however, have a… habit of finding those that are useful to you and earning their trust and affection. It seems you’ve turned into something of a leader. I am a mere…” Kat eyed a passing servant and changed what she was about to say. “...agent. Should you ever found your own land, I might be happy to serve.”

“And so casually throw away your homeland?”

“My homeland is ruled by one that enforced the laws that kept me a slave. King Johnson is no abolitionist. He didn’t care for the plight of slaves. He freed us because he saw an opportunity for power. If he supported Celestia’s ideal of freedom, he knew she would help him if he needed it. And when he finally took over, he knew he had to actually put what she wanted in motion. We were freed as a political move, nothing more. So yes, I would casually throw away my homeland, assuming I saw something better on the horizon.”

“Wow. You must really hate that bastard to consider me a viable alternative.”

“What was that, daddy?” Taya asked. “Did you just call yourself a bad person?”

“No, just a bad leader. Or maybe a bad king. I can do military stuff, but I don’t think I’d have the patience to be a ruler. Dealing with those monkeys made me want to slit my wrists at times.” Though I have to admit, seeing the trust they had in me and watching things get better around me felt really, really good.

“That is what advisors are for,” Kat said. “And I imagine you would gain the patience in time.”

“That’s more time than I want to give it. Anyway, this is the library.” Hopefully, Kat had been paying attention as we were walking. She had a pretty good track record about it and getting lost isn’t a very catlike thing, but you never know. We all walked in, though she immediately stopped, just looking around. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… been some time since I saw this many books,” she said. “I don’t even think that crystal place had this many.”

“Well, this is the heart of imperial power,” I said. “There’s gonna be a lot of books here.”

“And I can just take some?” she asked.

“You can check some out,” I corrected. “Talk to the librarian there, behind the counter.”

“I shall certainly do that. Thanks, Nav.”

“No problem. Oh, and if you’re interested, I’m planning on visiting some friends tonight, after Taya goes to bed. If the place I’m going is open, it’ll probably be a lot of fun, if you’re interested.”

“Why can’t I go?” Taya asked.

“Because you’ll be in bed, silly,” I said, tousling her hair. She rolled her eyes.

“I’ll probably be in bed, too,” Kat said. “After all, I want to explore the city tomorrow, and I’ll need plenty of sleep for that.”

“Fair enough. You remember the way back to your room?”

“I should. If not, I can ask one of the ponies. As long as I do not run into another one like that nurse, I should be fine.”

“Blackberry was… special.”

“We have another word for that,” she muttered, walking off toward the librarian. I shrugged and walked back out, with Taya following me.

“So what did you have planned?” I asked her.

“Well, you know how you told me I should start trying to do some art?”

“I think I actually said painting, but yeah. You want to paint?”

“Not quite…” Her devious little smile told me we were probably going to be doing something painful. Or at least, I was going to be doing something painful.

“You know, this isn’t as painful as I thought it would be,” I said. In short, she was using her magic to heat up metal to make it very easily malleable, while I used my hands and fine motor control to mold it. Of course, she was also using magic to make sure none of the super-hot metal was hurting me, because that would be a good way to ruin my day. There’s no telling where she got the idea for it, but it was a neat idea.

...Even if I wasn’t good at it. “Daddy, what is that?” she asked.

“A wad of metal,” I said without even pausing to think. “It was supposed to be a flower, but there’s a reason I told you to do the painting, not me. I’m bad at art.”

“Well, can’t Flo do it?”

“She already said no,” I sighed. “She refuses to risk cutting into parental bonding time.”

“That’s stupid. She can control your hands and you can control everything else. We’re still spending time together. She’s just helping you not suck at it.”

“Hear that, Flo? She said the same thing I did.”

“You are a terrible influence,” Flo said with my mouth.

“But you love me anyway,” I said with a winning grin.

“Not as much as me,” Taya said, pressing against me.

“True. So how about it, Flo? You feel like being nice now, or are you going to continue being a big meanie-head?”

“I’m going to really, really enjoy being free,” she said within my head as she took over my hands. “Dealing with you will be so much easier.”

If you can get through Taya.

“Oh, don’t you worry about that,” she replied, chuckling darkly.

Man, I really am a bad influence on you.

“So where are you going tonight?” Taya asked.

“The night guard bar, if they’ll let me in. I got a few friends in the guard I wouldn’t mind seeing again, especially now that I’m not a knight anymore. I might invite Doppel if she’s back when I leave.”

“I could wake myself up with magic, you know.”

“First, that’s a terrible idea. I went through that haunted bunker hyped up on magic and it was absolutely horrible. Second, you’re too young. It’s a bar. They probably wouldn’t even let you in. Third, you’d be really bored, since you’re antisocial and wouldn’t talk to anyone. Bars are to talk to people and have fun, usually.” Or to just get drunk, which I might end up doing. I mean, the guard is mostly male. Surely there would be one or two willing to fuck, even if they did know me back as a dude. Since I wasn’t a knight anymore, it wasn’t fraternizing with the lower ranks.

“Daddy, how do you get so good at coming up with excuses?”

“Lots and lots of practice,” I answered, trying to tousle her hair before realizing Flo was controlling my hands and that they were covered in molten metal.

“How do you… practice that?” she asked.

“By being forced to do a lot of things you don’t want to do. Eventually you come to realize that you can get out of it without hurting anyone’s feelings too much if you have good reasons not to. And that’s when you start trying to come up with excuses.”

“Oh. Why does everyone say you’re such a bad influence when all you do is tell the truth and not try to hide how weird life is?”

“Because kids are supposed to figure that out on their own, I guess. Maybe it’s because I’m making you cynical. I don’t know. You should ask someone why the next time they say it.”

“If I remember. So what are you making?”

“A water lily,” Flo answered with my mouth. “It’ll be grey and lifeless, but it will still be a nice memento of my old glade.”

“Hard to believe my fingers can actually make something like that,” I said, watching her work.

“When they know what to do, it’s not that hard. It’s just the same as singing or dancing. Anyone can do it, if they have the skills or practice. Or, in my case, a perfect memory and total control over muscles. If you ever decide you need more bits, I can start recreating human art for you.”

“Oh man, we can do some of that hyper realistic freaky proto renaissance Jesus art and make all the ponies throw up every time they see it.”

“You have severe problems,” Flo said. “I think I would rather make things that the ponies would actually enjoy. And since it would be my hand making them, I would determine what we’d make.”

“Well, if we ever have any free time while we’re here, I guess we can paint a few things, see if anyone’s interested. Painting never was my thing, but it would be interesting to have some human art in circulation. Not like anyone cares about my books anyway.”

“What about the fan mail you got?”

“...Totally forgot about that. I should read that, I guess.”

“You got fan mail?” Taya asked. “Also, it’s really weird listening to you two talk.”

“Yeah, I bet it would be. It’s funnier when I’m talking to her out loud and she’s talking in my head and I’m walking around where people don’t know about her. But yeah, I did get some mail from what might have been a fan. Several letters from the same person, anyway. I was just going to throw them away without looking at them, honestly.”

“No, you’re going to read them when we get back,” Taya said.

“I guess I probably should. I mean, he went through all the trouble of finding the publisher. Least I can do is see what they say.” She didn’t say anything, so I just let Flo keep shaping the metal as I looked around.

Taya and I were in Canterlot’s semi-hidden scrap heap. Celestia did her best to keep Canterlot looking nice, but a city of any size produces a lot of trash. Some of it, like the metal, gets recycled. Until it does, it sits in the scrap heap, open for anyone to claim it.

“It’s gonna be getting dark soon,” I said after a few more minutes. “We should probably start heading back soon.”

“Probably,” Taya said without moving.

“Did I tell you about the time some thugs tried ambushing me in Canterlot?” I asked.

“Yeah. You also told me that no one that says they’re going to teach you a lesson will help you with magic.”

That’s probably not quite how I put it, but I guess it’s accurate. “Yeah… Well, did you want to hear any other stories, I guess?”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing more about what happened the first time you were in Egypt.”

“A lot of bad things that don’t matter anymore. You want war stories, ask Miguel.”

“...I killed Miguel.”

“And that’s what comes from war,” I said, nodding. “Monsters like him. Soulless. Murderous. Good only for killing. That is what fighting and wars make, Taya. That is not something anyone should want to know about.”

She turned her head to look at her flank. “So what does that say about my fate?” she asked.

“Your cutie mark isn’t war, Taya. It’s two lightning bolts. Lightning is electricity, which powers machines. Machines can create. Lightning has heat, which brings life when used in moderation. Lightning is beautiful and can be used in a light show. If you truly choose to be defined by that mark, be defined by the mark, not what you say it represents. Even now, you’re using what could be combat magic to create rather than kill. This flower symbolizes what you can do with your talents, Taya. When our journey is done, I truly hope you don’t forget this flower and what it means.”

Taya was silent for several long seconds before her horn stopped glowing. “It’s getting late, daddy. We should go back.”

Flo held the rapidly cooling flower with one hand and shook the metal off the other, making sure it stayed away from Taya. When that hand was clean, she repeated the process with the other, leaving a clean and very interesting looking flower behind. As an afterthought, she pressed some of the remaining metal into a long stem.

“We probably should,” I said when the flower was complete. I doubt it would win any art contests, but we also didn’t put very much time into making it. If Taya ever wanted to do something like that again, we’d probably be more thorough.

As it was, we started walking back. When the metal was cooled and hardened, I very gently placed the flower in Taya’s hair. She didn’t comment.

Since eating in the palace would have forced me to interact with Celestia and I didn’t want to do that just yet, we grabbed something to eat on the way. I didn’t really want to, but Taya actually forced something into my mouth and then I had to pay for it anyway.

The distance to the palace wasn’t overly large, but having to actually walk instead of fly made it even longer. It felt even worse, given that a lot of ponies were staring at me for some reason. I didn’t think news of my new gender would already be out, but the ponies in Canterlot were used to me, at that point. They’d have no other reason to be staring.

When we were almost to the palace, an annoyingly familiar mare suddenly showed up behind me, hugging me. From the weight and the white legs I could see around my neck, I immediately thought… “Celestia?” I asked.

“Not quite,” Fleur chuckled into my ear. “I have quite the surprise for you, my succulent little human…”

“I’m considerably taller than you are,” I said. “Now let me go before my daughter atomizes you.”

She slid down and started circling me, her tail trailing around my waist. “How would you like to come to a party of mine?”

“I’m leaving soon and until I do, I’m going to be very busy. Also, I got hit by a curse. I’m a female now, so I doubt you’re interested.”

“Hm… Not quite. Last year’s accidental… meeting with the princess woke up a new desire. However, that’s not quite the purpose of this little party. You see, my good friend Rarity has told all the mares of Canterlot about a wonderful human art style called anime, or something like that. She told us how fans back where you came from held large parties where they dressed up as characters. Since you’re the only human here, I thought I could bring you, so you could show us all about it!”

“What Rarity failed to mention is anime was something enjoyed only by the fringe groups. Namely, the nerds, losers, foreveralones, and generally just people that couldn’t hack it in civilized society. I did not fall into any of those categories, and never developed any interest in anime.”

“She… did fail to mention that, yes… But the invites are already sent, the venue is already planned, bits have changed hooves, and human anime is in. As are, according to my… husband, human books. But anyway, you are going to be there, aren’t you?”

“Nope.” I patted her on the head, then said, “Give Fancy Pants my regards. Come on, Taya.”

Before I could even get a step away, Fleur was right back in front of me, a very… disturbing look on her face. “It would not behoove you to make me an enemy, Navarone,” she quietly said.

“I already have. Twice. Remember a certain stallion a few years back at the Gala? Luna’s escort?” She blinked a few times. “You’re speaking to Egill right now.” When she heard that, her eyes widened and started twitching. “And then later, when you hosted Rarity and a stallion model with no cutie mark? You tried to seduce him and then drug him. Well, you’re speaking to him, too.” Her eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth to say something, but I put a finger on her lips and leaned in. “If you even think about doing anything, I will straight up just slit your throat. Close your mouth.” Her lips shut. “Turn around.” She very, very slowly turned around, her eyes not leaving mine until she couldn’t see me anymore. “And walk away.” She stalked away.

“Was that really a good idea?” Taya asked.

“No, probably not,” I said, continuing to walk to the palace.

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I cannot abide useless people,” I said. “Fleur is a trophy wife that forgot she was supposed to pretend to be in love. I doubt there’s any more depth to her than that. She cheats on Fancy, she’s annoying, and she wouldn’t leave me alone. So I dealt with that. Now she’ll hopefully be leaving me alone.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then I might have some problems. But no matter what connections she might have, I believe I can one-up her.”

Thankfully, Taya let that kill the conversation. We were mostly silent all the way to our rooms. “So when are you leaving?” Taya asked when we both entered mine.

“Well, it’s already night, now. Celestia will probably be turning in soon, which means she’ll send a messenger by for me. I need to be gone before that messenger gets here.”

“Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone?”

“Because I wouldn’t mind spending time with her, for one. I just have something else I need to do first. Second, she’s being nice enough to let us stay in the palace. The least I can do is see her when she requests me, if I don’t have any big plans. But if I’m not around to get the message that she wants me, I can’t really go see her, now can I?”

“Daddy, that’s kinda silly. You know the messenger is coming, right?”

“Yeah. But I can say I didn’t. It’s a lie, but she can’t really call me on it. Now, I need to get changed.”

“You never worried that much about clothing when you were still male,” Taya said. “This would be at least the third time you’ve changed today.”

“I didn’t have a freakily obsessed clothing designer making stuff for me when I was a guy. Rarity did make my clothes, but I managed to tame her into making what I wanted her to make. Now, she makes more or less what she wants. Also, Ava.”

Taya rolled her eyes. “Well, let’s see it,” she said, sitting down.

“Nope. You’re free to go talk to Kat, if you want. But I’m getting changed by myself.”

“Ugh, fine. But only after you read some of the fan mail.”

“If you’re going to be like that,” I muttered, walking over to where they were still bulging out of the pocket of the pants I discarded earlier. The secretary that gave me the letters said they were in chronological order, so I grabbed the first one and opened it. To make a long letter short, he or she (it wasn’t signed) really enjoyed my writing and wanted to know what my inspiration was, despite me putting in every book that I was just a translator.

The next letter was talking about a specific book and how it touched him or her. As much as I wanted to roll my eyes, the reason I copied a lot of the early books is because I felt the same way. The third letter asked about me, actually. The writer wanted to know more about me. The fourth had some speculation about who I was, assuming I was a pony writer, despite that being very obviously false. The fifth letter spoke about another one of the books and how he or she really liked it.

“There, that’s five of them,” I said, tossing the rest of the pack of letters aside. Taya was busy reading through the fourth one that I had dropped on the floor. “I can read the others later.” Yeah, right.

When she carefully folded it and set it aside, she started grabbing the last one with magic. “Why not now?” she asked. “These are good for you, daddy.”

“Because,” I said, picking her up and making her drop the letter in some small amount of surprise, “I’m busy.” I started walking to the still-open door. “Later, I won’t be busy. But now, I need to get dressed before Celestia starts looking for me.” I set her down outside the door. “Goodnight, Taya. I will definitely see you in the morning.”

“Can’t I read the last one, at least?” she asked, trying to fly it toward herself.

“Knock yourself out. Love you, dear.”

“I love you too, daddy,” she said, snatching the letter through the door as I started closing it. When it was finally shut, I immediately slid my ring on and locked the door.

Since that made me about as safe as I could be in the palace for a short amount of time, I let out a sigh of relief and started changing. I didn’t want to do too much, since I wasn’t quite ready to openly advertise myself as a girl. So no skirt and no blouse. It was mostly just my normal casual clothes with the sexiest panties I had underneath. For someone else's benefit, of course. I also grabbed a small bottle of lube, since I was going to be looking for a certain someone while I was out.

After I determined I was probably as ready as I’d ever be to meet a group of people to tell them a horrible secret, I pushed the window open, removed my ring, and jumped out. Honestly, I expected to be immediately teleported into Celestia’s warm embrace as soon as I removed my ring, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I soared out, into the night air.

Canterlot, as per usual when night falls, was already clearing out. Most of the ponies were off the streets and those that weren’t seemed like they were hurrying home. There were a few younger ponies in groups that were obviously headed toward clubs or bars or something, but they were few and far between. Most would have already been there, I figured.

Since I had never actually gone to the night guard bar alone by air, it took me a few minutes to find it. That was probably a good thing, because those few minutes gave me time calm my nerves. Despite having been a girl for so long and knowing a few groups were okay with it, letting the night guards know was… unnerving. I knew they wouldn’t care, but the nerves were still there.

I was also just a touch worried that a few more of them might try to join me. Truthfully, I would have loved to have an army with me, but we didn’t have room for them and we didn’t have room for their supplies. The miners were uncomfortable the entire time they were on the ship, and I wasn’t going to do that to any of my troops. That was just a minor concern, though.

Anyway, after I found it and stalled for as long as I figured I could justify to myself, I landed in the street next to the alleyway the bar was down. As soon as my feet touched the ground, two night guards seemed to appear from thin air in the alley. “We were wondering when you’d come by, sir,” one said.

“It’s not sir anymore,” I replied.

“Knight or not, it’s still sir,” the other said, smiling.

“No, as in, I don’t have a penis anymore,” I said. “I got cursed and now I’m a female.”

“No buckin’ way.”

“Can I see?”

“Jesus, really?” I sighed, crossing my arms. That drew their attention to my chest, where they noticed my mosquito-bite boobs.

“A-are those…?”

I rolled my eyes and lifted my shirt and bra, showing them off. “Yes.” One of them reached a hoof forward to poke at them, but I slapped it away and pushed everything back down. “Touching a lady’s tits without even buying her dinner first? Your mother would be ashamed.”

He rubbed at his hoof and looked away. “Sorry, si—Er, ma’am.”

I snorted and said, “Nah man, I’m kidding. You know I’m a slut.” Flo facepalmed as I lifted the shirt back up and said, “Feel free, just be gentle.”

They didn’t need any second thoughts and both immediately lifted a hoof to carefully poke and prod at the boobs. “So why are they up here instead of under your stomach?” one asked.

“Human babies can’t walk for a while after they’re born, so human mothers hold them up to their chest so the baby can get to the milk. It would be harder to hold them to our stomach and still be able to do anything with the other arm. So they’re on our chest.”

“Why are they so much larger than a mare’s?”

“No clue. But honestly, mine aren’t that large. I’ve seen some the size of my head.”

“By the night,” they both whispered, looking up at me with wide eyes. One added, “Can yours grow bigger like that?”

“Maybe with magic, but I wouldn’t want them to. Let’s see you carry two bouncing sacks of flesh on your chest and try to fight.”

“Well, we both have bouncing sacks of flesh between our back legs and we manage just fine.”

“It’s different. Yours doesn’t really do too much moving. Mine…” I suddenly jumped, showing off how they moved. “They move a lot. It’s worse when they’re larger.” Since both had pulled their hooves back at that point, I pushed my shirt down. “But you don’t care about biology. Is the bar open?”

“Yeah, of course. Not many of us are there yet since it’s so early, but it’s open. And knight or not, you’re welcome to enter, ma’am.”

“No need to call me any honorifics, now,” I said. “I don’t have rank anymore. Speaking of which, I won’t get into any trouble if I try flirting with any of the guards now, will I? I know last time I did, some of them were upset.”

When I said that, one of them slowly started to smile. The other said, “Well, you’re not a knight, so it should be fine…”

The one that started smiling said, “So uh… mind if I help break that new body in?”

“A friend already called first dibs. But if he’s not here tonight, I’ll see what I can do about organizing an orgy or something. That would be a fun way to relieve some stress, I think.”

“You uh… sure that’s a good idea?” the other one asked. “I mean, with your reputation…”

“What about it? I already got forced into one orgy in Canterlot a few years back. What’s wrong with another one?”

“Well, as much as I’m going to kick myself for saying this, a lot of stallions have a… way of treating mares they’ve slept with. You may not be a knight anymore, but you might become one in the future again, or get some other kind of position of power. Having sex with all the guards might backfire on you.”

“Ugh. Too many people that can’t tell when something’s just sex…” I sighed. “Fine, I’ll behave. Mostly.”

The one that had been smiling kicked the one that did the explaining. “You just had to open your mouth!” he said, turning and walking to the trap door heading down. “Good job!”

The kicked one rubbed at his shoulder and started following the other one. “Just trying to be nice, dude.”

“Nice guys get friendzoned!” he called as he climbed down into the bar. I chuckled, following them both.

The bar hadn’t changed at all in the time since I left, though the mood in the place seemed more… somber. My first thought is that it was caused by the place being emptier than it had been the first time I was there. However, when I actually got further inside and all the guards looked up and then immediately turned their heads away, I understood why.

They were ashamed.

Now that was something I hadn’t quite anticipated and honestly didn’t know how to deal with. Before I could make a disastrous attempt that would probably end up with me sold as a pet in Neighpon, a familiar cute batmare hopped out of her chair and walked over to me. “Let’s go for a short walk,” Blossom quietly said, walking right past me and up the staircase out. I shrugged and followed her, since I liked watching her tail sway.

“Are we going to do any talking on this walk?” I asked when we were outside and the door was closed.

“How long are you gonna be in town?” she asked.

“A few weeks. Hey, if you don’t want me to be in the bar, I can go. They uh… didn’t seem to want me there.”

“All of us failed to protect you from Luna. When we finally had her prosecution down with all the witnesses we could find, she disappeared. Celestia assured us she’s being punished, but refuses to say where. We… thought she went after you.”

“Haven’t seen hide nor tail of her. I haven’t even seen her in the dream world. I don’t know why you guys would be ashamed. If a ruler did what Luna did to me in my world, the military would almost definitely help cover it up, not spearhead the investigation into it.”

“We let it happen!”

“Did you know about it until she confessed?”

“...No.”

“Then you didn’t let it happen. It happened and you were ignorant about it, so you didn’t punish it. There were signs you could have watched out for, but you didn’t even think about it.”

“We did think about it. Princess Celestia warned us all to watch for possible signs of corruption, in case Nightmare Moon reappeared. But we failed to notice any wrongdoing…”

“Luna is a manipulative princess with around five thousand years of practice at getting her way. I’m a pretty decent actor and pretend with the best that nothing’s wrong. You guys didn’t fail. I don’t know what it would take to convince you of that.”

“For some of us, you can’t,” she sighed, looking down. “But for others, spending time in the bar would certainly help.”

“Well, that’s what I came by to do. Been a little while since I got to see my favorite guard captain, after all.” She snorted. “Since Shiny isn’t in town, I guess you’ll do instead.”

“Shining Armor isn’t a guard captain anymore. He’s a prince now.”

“Oh, I guess he finally revoked his captainness, then. I was only up in the Crystal Empire for a week or so.”

“You went up there?”

“Oh yeah. Found it as they were being attacked by Sombra. We wrecked his shit, I got what I was there for, and then we left.”

“Huh. Well, let’s get back to the bar while we can. I have to get on duty tonight.”

“Want a little snack before you do?”

“I already ate tonight, though I wouldn’t mind a taste of something fresh some time before you leave. As… horrible as it is to do that, it’s also liberating to have somepony else know. Better, somepony that doesn’t mind if I… you know.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.” We had only walked around the block a few times, so we were now on the way back. Since everything that needed to be said for the moment was said, we fell silent.

Until she finally realized, at least. “Is it just me, or is your voice higher?”

“Oh boy, that’s a long story. A story I don’t want to tell more than once. When we get down there, let’s tell all the bat ponies a story…”

A few hours and more than a few drinks later, the bar was kicking back into gear. Most of the bad mood was gone, most of those that were off duty were some kind of impaired, everyone had molested my boobs at least once, I had told several stories about my time away, and everything was going well.

The only problem is that my target wasn’t showing up. A few other people of note did appear, like Quisling (who made sure to get a snack), some of the troops from my ship, and a few of the night guard’s griffins. If I didn’t have literally all night to wait, I would have been somewhat upset.

As it was, he finally showed up about an hour after I was finally tired of waiting for him. I saw him enter, of course, but made sure not to pay him much mind. He would approach me, there was no doubt of that. All it would take was time.

Then I remembered I was dealing with Smiles. So as soon as he walked in, he immediately walked to my table. “Hey, sir. I didn’t expect to see you down here.”

“Well, I had to do something for fun,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “Celestia’s asleep, so I can’t do her. Figured I’d come here and visit some good friends.”

“Oh. Well, you could have come by my place.”

“If I knew where you lived, maybe. Everyone left the ship in such a hurry that no one left me any contact details. Anyway, I need you to do something for me, so don’t leave without telling me.”

“What do you need, sir?” he asked.

“I’ll tell you later. Nothing bad, so don’t worry.”

“Well…” He looked around before shrugging. “Everypony I was close with seems to be on duty. I don’t mind doing it now.”

I shrugged, grabbed my glass, drained it, and stood. Almost everyone immediately noticed, which disturbed me more than it should have. Guess I was the center of attention longer than I thought. “Time for me to go, guys.” There were a few groans. “I know, I know. Business comes first, though. I’ll be in town for a while. I’m sure I’ll have time to stop by again.” A chorus of goodbyes saw me out the door and into the dark night.

Smiles followed me out, of course, and closed the door behind us. “So where are we going?” he asked.

“Your place. We need to talk about something.”

“Did I do something wrong?!”

“No, no. You’ll understand when we get there. Just lead the way.”

“You aren’t making me feel comfortable, sir,” he sighed, walking out of the alley and spreading his wings.

“You’ll live.” We both jumped up and started flying. “So where’s Jak staying?”

“With me.”

“I can’t imagine he’d be okay with sharing a bed.”

“Oh, that’s… not a problem.”

“You got a hotel or something, then?”

“...You could say that.” He was definitely flying toward one of the larger buildings in Canterlot, one that I had never been to. “You see, my parents are… Well, rich is a mild term…”

“So your parents are loaded. Big deal.”

“They also own the largest hotel in Equestria, which is where we’re going now.”

“Lucky you. Why join the military if they’re loaded?”

“To do my part, I guess.”

“...And why did you join my crew if they could take care of you?”

“Promise you won’t be mad?”

“God dammit, Smiles.”

“Spending time with you wasn’t the only reason! I also wanted to explore some, see the world. I thought I was going to get to when I joined the guard, but then I got assigned to Canterlot…”

“Yeah, because your parents are fucking loaded. Ten bits say they bribed the guard captains so you were assigned to be around royalty.”

“I… never even thought of that. Do you really think they’d do that?”

“I don’t know your fucking parents, dude. Do you think they’d do that?”

“Uh… I dunno. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.” We were landing and I didn’t really care anyway, so I just dropped the point. We stopped outside of a set of large brass doors, both engraved with several pleasant images. When the doorman saw Smiles, he hastily saluted and then started pushing the doors open. “Thanks.” Smiles and I started walking in. “Don’t worry about meeting anypony important. They’re all asleep at this time of night.”

“When have I ever worried about meeting anyone important? The first time I met the griffin king, I insulted him. Same for the changeling queen. Hell, I just straight up made an enemy of the wife of one of the more powerful solar knights.”

“Fine. Then I won’t worry about you meeting anypony important.”

“Why would you be worried? It’s not like they think we’re dating, and if you tell me you told them we were, I’m going to kick you between the legs and leave.”

“...That would really hurt,” he quietly said, shivering slightly. “And it won’t be necessary,” he hastily added, shying away when he saw me lift one of my legs for a kick.

“Good. So where’s your room?”

“We can’t talk here?” he asked, looking around the giant anteroom of the hotel. This place was fancier than even the palace, with gold paneling and sapphires covering the large chandeliers, giving the room a blue tint. Each wall seemed to have dozens of pictures and paintings, usually of important ponies or nice scenery. Aside from us, there was only a single person behind the counter and a single guard.

“No, we can’t.”

“Oh. Well, if you or Taya or anypony else on the ship needs a room, I can get that set up right now.”

“Nah, we’re staying at the palace.” That perked the ears of the lady behind the counter up, but she didn’t say anything. “And this is private, so let’s just go to your room.”

He shrugged. “Alright, I guess. It’s kinda messy, so I hope you don’t mind…” he said as he started walking to the large spiral staircase in the right corner of the room.

“I doubt it could be worse than my room back home,” I replied.

“I saw your room back at your house. It was pretty clean.”

“I meant my real home. The one I had before Bitchlight Spankle stole me.”

“...Oh.” Thankfully, that killed whatever conversation he might have wanted to have, so he was silent as we walked through gilded halls and past highly ornate sitting rooms. Finally, we stood before a surprisingly plain door. “Well, this is it,” he said, pushing it open with his hoof without even twisting the handle. He let me in first, perhaps hoping I’d catch the blade from whatever assassin might lurk within. My augmented eyes saw most details of the perfectly clean entry-room before he even flicked the lights on. “Yeah, sorry about the mess…” he awkwardly said, walking past me and further in.

You call this a mess? Jesus, I guess I’m more of a fucking slob than I thought. “No problem. Not like I was really expecting anything better.” He flinched slightly, which made me smile to myself.

“You want anything?” he asked.

“Dude, I’m already kinda drunk. I don’t think I need more.” I followed him anyway, though, because it seemed weird to be talking to him from the door when he was in some kind of kitchen or whatever. I quickly saw that he was at a nice little minibar, though I don’t think he had any alcohol back there.

“Alright, I guess. So what did you need?”

“Long story short, Celestia bribed me into doing a weird sleepover thing with her and someone else. We got to playing truth or dare and Celestia’s kind of a bitch. So I need you to fuck me in the ass.”

“Oh, that’s not so—What.”

“Well, she dared me to try anal. I’m pretty sure she meant with her, but I’m not going to give her the satisfaction. So—” Before I could continue, he fucking jumped across the room and grabbed me, then started dragging me somewhere else. “Uh…”

“Less talking, more me cornholing you!”

“How does that word even exist with ponies? Can’t you guys digest that stuff perfectly?” We got to his bedroom, so instead of answering, he threw me onto the bed and then jumped on top of me, trying to kiss me. I put both hands on his head, stopping him. “Hey, I may be drunk, but I have rules that you are going to follow.”

His quick breathing slowed down slightly and he nodded. “Alright, what are they?”

“You’re going to go slow, you’re going to be gentle, you’re going to use plenty of lube, you’re going to stop if I tell you, and you’re going to be gentle.”

“You already said that one.”

“Because it’s fucking important. I have done something like this exactly once, with Luna. She locked me into something called a sybian and left me in it for hours. My ass felt funny for nearly a day afterward. So yeah.”

He took a deep breath and stood, sliding off me. “Alright, I can do those things. Usually I’m a bit more… aggressive. But I can be gentle.”

“Good.” I pulled the lube I brought out of my pocket and tossed it at him. “If I like it, we can do it again later. If I don’t, you’re never going to mention it again.” His ears started twitching. “So no pressure.”

Suddenly his eyes turned blue. “Can I help?” Ice asked.

“Hell no. You aren’t experienced with ass fuckings. Unfortunately, Smiles is.”

“Hey, I know all the theory!”

“Too bad. Smiles has wanted it longer than you have. Just sit back and watch.”

He sighed and muttered, “I never get to have any fun…” Then the eyes went back to their normal gold and Smiles took back over.

“That’s so weird,” he said, shuddering.

“You never get used to it,” I said with a shrug. “Anyway, shall we?”

He nodded and asked, “So… I don’t suppose you already… Er, cleaned yourself out?”

“That won’t be an issue. My biology is very different. I’m as clean as possible.”

“Alright. No need to worry about diseases between species, so we’ll only use a condom if you want.”

“Any difference in feeling?”

“Not for your first time. If you were more used to it, you might notice something. It wouldn’t feel as good to me, but… culminating inside scares some first-timers.”

“Did you really just call it culminating? Jesus, dude. I’ll be fine without. I just hope you have some way to warm me up.”

“Yeah, I got something. And this lube’s just fine. As nice as your hands would feel putting it on, I’m more experienced and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Whatever, man. Just tell me what to do. The sooner I can get this stupid dare over with, the better.”

“Well, first thing’s first: Get out of those clothes.”

“Easy enough.” I stood and started taking stuff off. “I was actually planning on doing some kind of stupid strip tease, but then I started drinking and now I don’t really care anymore.”

“No offense, but I’m really not that attracted to mares anyway. I’m doing this because I know you’re a stallion underneath and I promised myself I’d tap dat ass as soon as I got a chance. Nice panties, though.”

I rolled my eyes as I tossed them aside, standing before him naked. “Well, now what?”

“Well, you’re drunk and I really want to get to the good part, so I’ll skip basic foreplay. If we do it ponystyle, we’ll lose some length, but that might not be a problem. So on your… hands and legs? Is that right?”

“Hands and knees,” I said, getting on the bed like that, with my ass facing him.

“Dear sweet Celestia, dat ass,” he whispered. When I looked back, he was staring at my ass and biting his lip.

“I know it’s not that sexy,” I said. “If it was, I’d carry a mirror around so I could look at it.”

“It’s exotic,” he said, reaching a hoof out to gently caress one of my cheeks. “Smooth. Hairless. And mine!”

“Creepy. So you gonna fuck me or what?”

“Relax,” he said, gently patting the cheek he had been caressing. “Look the other way.” I did so, rolling my eyes. “You aren’t the first stallion I deflowered, don’t you worry.”

(Guess what. ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip)

“You aren’t—ah!” He chose that time to lean in and fucking lick my asshole. “Not my fetish!”

“Well, you don’t like anal at all, so deal with it,” he said. “This is a good way to make you loosen up, and you said you’re clean. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you go to the bathroom, aside from showers.”

“That’s because I don’t. Those down there are reserved entirely for fun.”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about,” he said. “You’re perfectly clean, after all.”

Before I could make another rebuttal about how nasty it was anyway, he leaned back in and continued rimming me. I really wanted to get him to stop, but I had very little experience dealing with anal without having fingers, so I figured that was how he stretched his toys out. So lacking any other option, I let my head hang low and just bore it.

It felt… slimy, at first. Good, but slimy. “You’re a lot different from stallions,” he said after a few seconds of just tasting the outside. “We have holes that push out, kinda like donuts.”

“I know. I’ve fucked plenty of mares.”

“Yours is nice and different, a cute little innie…”

“I should have just let Celestia ravage me…”

He chuckled and went back to it. This time, his tongue actually pushed inside, making me gasp and instinctively try to pull away. To deny my escape, he grabbed my hips with his hooves and held me steady, forcing his tongue deeper. My hands clenched at the bed sheets as my wings slowly spread, my arousal showing despite my personal disgust. After I didn’t move for a few seconds, his hooves were replaced by leathery wings to hold me still.

One hoof went between my legs instead, rubbing at what we both wished was a penis. Instead, he was stuck with my boring vag, rubbing it and letting me feel that it was actually getting wet. I immediately realized he had no idea what he was doing when he started aimlessly poking it.

To help him out, I pushed one of my hands down there, grabbing his hoof and pressing it against my clit, then rubbing it in circles. He got the message and started doing that, so I pulled my hand back and just started rubbing at one of my nipples instead. With three points of stimulation, even if the analingus felt weird and unwanted, I was starting to pant. Or maybe because it felt weird; the wrongness felt good, in a way.

Either way, after about a minute of exploring my body with his tongue with the kind of kiss I never expected, he pulled away, smacking his lips. “Not bad. Definitely clean.” He stopped rubbing at my crotch and shuddered slightly. “So… wet. Weird.”

“Hey, I don’t go calling your horse cock weird. Now hurry up. That felt good.”

“Hold your monkeys.” As much as I really wanted to slap him for that, I realized it probably wouldn’t do any good. Instead, I arched my back slightly to push my ass closer to him. As little as I wanted what was about to happen, I knew it was going to happen, so I wanted it to be over with.

In the few seconds after he said that, I heard a pop and then a weird schlicking sound that I really didn’t want to turn around to see. If I had to guess, I’d say he was putting the lube on. The very cool sensation of his slick and wet hoof pressing against my smallest hole confirmed that. He proceeded to coat the area with lube, though he couldn’t get inside.

Finally, he very unexpectedly mounted me, putting a lot more weight on me than I was used to. Both my arms collapsed before I could hold them steady, pushing my upper body to the bed. “That’s a much better angle,” he said from over me, his hooves going to either side of my head. “I get more penetration and you feel more. Good idea.” Before I could tell him to go fuck himself, he decided to go fuck me instead. Or at least, he pressed the head of his mighty stallionhood up against my opening. “Ready?”

“If we’re going to wait for that, we’ll be here forever. Just… you know.”

“Hardest part’s the first step,” he said, slowly putting pressure on me and spreading my cheeks. “Just… gotta…” My eyes widened and I gasped as the head broke through. His weird wings hugged me tight and he stopped, letting my body get used to that unwelcome intruder.

It felt… big. Warm. Slick. Intruding. Slightly painful. Wrong.

And it was moving. Smiles was pushing it further in, apparently thinking I was used to it. He wasn’t going fast, but it was definitely a battle my body wasn’t enjoying. “S-slower,” I hissed, making him stop.

“Really?” he asked. “It’s barely even in!”

“Body’s different!”

“...Right.” He sighed and started moving slower, giving my ass canal enough time to actually accept the large intruder. It still hurt, but at least it didn’t sting as it had been.

Flo finally made herself known, at least. “I could ease the pain, you know,” she whispered.

If it gets too bad, do it. But I want to know how it really feels so I can give Celestia a more honest excuse about why I’ll never do it again.

“That’s weird, but I’ll respect it,” Flo said before going silent again.

His horse cock was slowly pushing its way further and further in, and my body was naturally trying to pull away, even if I couldn’t really move that much in the position I was in. After a few inches, my shoulders hit his hooves and then I was stuck, unable to move any further. He chuckled at my predicament, moving his hips side to side to grind on me. That made the feeling of wrongness shoot back up, because it actually felt good for a short moment.

Then he started moving in again. “Does it hurt?” he asked.

“T-too big,” I said.

“If you had told me sooner, I would have some stuff that would stretch you better. But on such short notice…” That did nothing to make me feel better, so I just put one of my hands back on my clit and started rubbing that, hoping it would make the process go smoother or at least offset the pain with some pleasure.

Sure enough, that extra little bit made me relax slightly, enough that he could finally get the last inch in. Then he just waited, jiggling his hips around to make it pulse inside me and remind me how violated I was.

“The first insertion’s always the hardest,” he whispered, starting to withdrawal. “Hopefully, there won’t be too much blood… After all, yours is really sticky and might hurt me.” Thanks for the concern, dick.

Honestly, and as weird as it is to say it, him pulling out felt like taking a shit. A really hard one, but my abused hole felt a lot better when he was mostly out, leaving just the head inside. When most of his furry body removed itself from my back, I turned my head. “What are you doing?”

“Adding more lube,” he said. “I want it to feel good and you can never have too much of this stuff.” I just sighed and turned my head back. “If it makes you feel any better, there isn’t any blood!”

“Why would people even want to do this when the most fun place in the world is just a few centimeters away?” I sighed. “Far too much work for far too little fun…”

“It’s an acquired taste,” he answered, tossing the empty lube bottle aside and putting his weight back on me. “You gotta get into it before it feels good. But when you do, it feels really good! It just takes a few times for it to not hurt. For stallions, at least. Dunno about mares.” He started pushing back in. It didn’t hurt as bad that time, thankfully. I suppose some of the lube stuck inside and adding more really did the trick.

“Celestia definitely prefers it,” I said, then immediately flinched when he jumped slightly, pushing in several inches at once.

“S-she what?” he asked.

“Celestia loves getting fucked in the ass,” I told him, shaking my hips slightly to try to ease the pain. “Luna didn’t, though.”

“You… you know the strangest things…”

There was no answer to that, so I just stayed silent. Talking was hard anyway, with something jammed into a hole that was supposed to be one way only. I was taking it like some kind of a champ, despite that. At least I wasn’t bleeding.

He was going faster that time, so the invasive hunk of meat maxed out sooner. When it did, he immediately started pulling back out. That’s when I knew we were finally started, unfortunately.

Despite my body being somewhat used to it, the new speed, and the extra lube, what we were doing didn’t feel any real kind of good. It stopped hurting, but it just stayed uncomfortable. As he continued plowing me, the only real good part I could say was the delicious wrongness the act gave me. Rubbing my clit was the only part doing anything for me, though.

Still, Smiles was definitely enjoying it. He picked up speed quickly and started truly pounding my tight ass a few minutes in, his breath picking up just as quickly as his speed did. Every time he thrusted in, I felt his sack bump against my somewhat wet vag, delivering an odd and not unpleasant sensation. The suction as he was pulling out also felt alright, but then he ruined it by thrusting again.

Thankfully, it has been a while since our resident gay stallion got any. Not much longer than ten minutes in, his pace started getting erratic, which felt even worse. I figured he was close, but then he whispered my name and actually fucking bit the back of my neck. Before I could complain, he thrusted in one last time, as deep as he could get, and twitched. I knew it was coming before the flare on his dick shot out and the first torrent of uncomfortably hot juice hit me.

As much as I wanted to push him off, I really didn’t want cum all over me, especially not in my hair. That stuff is hard to clean out. So I let him cum balls deep into my ass, filling me to the brim with his useless seed. Honestly, it felt… alright. Surprising at first, since I wasn’t used to having any extra fluids up there, but it wasn’t too bad.

Finally, his flare died down and he started pulling out, his softening dick giving me one last little suction. As soon as his head left me, I felt a trail of cum start dripping down onto my cunt, combining with the few juices I was releasing. Smiles fell onto the bed next to me, sighing in delight. “Well, how was it?” he asked as I slid down more fully onto the bed.

“A once in a lifetime thing, probably,” I said, shrugging slightly. “Uncomfortable, not fun, I’m nowhere near cumming, and my ass is leaking jizz.”

“Oh, it’ll stop that once your gape closes. Lying on your stomach should help.” I rolled my eyes and laid flat instead of on my side. “Anal is really, really something you need to do several times before it really feels good. And I don’t know much about… mares and anal. Or human females and anal. If you were still a stallion, your cum would be all over the bed. As it is…” He shrugged. “Sorry.”

“Well, I did Celestia’s stupid fucking dare. That’s good enough for me. I’m going back to the palace.”

“What? Why? Don’t you want to… I don’t know, hang out?”

“No. I’m going to go take a fucking shower so I can get all this sticky stuff off my ass.”

“...I have a shower here.”

I stood and started gathering my clothes, thanking whoever that most of the cum had stopped leaking. Most of my ass was still covered in lube, though. I figured that would wash off the clothes just fine, and I left my window in the palace open, so I could just fly straight there.

He sighed and said, “You’re gonna be walking funny for a little while.”

“I know. I’ve seen plenty of people waddle after taking it up the ass. The stallion I fucked actually couldn’t move his legs for half an hour.”

“Nice. I’ve done that once or twice, but it’s been a while, so…”

“I’m not complaining. I came into this expecting to hate it. I didn’t hate it, but it’s not something I want to do again.” I had been getting dressed as I was saying that, so I stood before him full clothed at that point. “You mind if I go out the window?” I asked.

“Just use the balcony,” he said, nodding toward it.

“Spoiled bastard. Not even my room at the palace has a damn balcony.”

“Hey, you can stay here if you want!”

“Psh, yeah right.” I started walking to the glass doors heading outside. “See you when the ship is done.”

“...Alright. And uh… thanks for this.”

“Shut up, Smiles. You tell anyone but Celestia, I’ll deny it.” He sighed and looked down. I nodded and threw the door open, jumping out and away, into the night.

(“Sex is over”)

Chapter One Hundred and Seventeen—Another Gala Down

Chapter One Hundred and Seventeen—Another Gala Down

The next day, that same maid as before walked in while Flo was painting a masterpiece. As it turned out, Luna did end up supporting the arts a lot when she was trying to rebuild her image, so there were a few art stores open at night that were happy to sell me some basic stuff. Flo was painting The Persistence of Memory when the maid walked in.

“Princess Celestia wants to… to… My word, what is that?”

“Human art,” Flo said without turning. “What do you think, as a pony?”

“It’s… weird. And I don’t mean to offend, but it’s disturbing. What kind of mind could… create something like that?” I could field that question, so Flo gave me the reins.

“Shortly before this artwork was originally created, mankind went through the worst war it had ever experienced. Tens of thousands would die in less than a day. When it was over, the world was left reeling. The written word became nonsensical. Art became surreal. It can be summed up in a few simple thoughts. Before that war, man thought of man as civilized. All our inventions, all our science, all our art… And then we killed each other on the grandest scale imaginable. The reality of our humanity came crashing down on us. Nothing made sense anymore. Civilization seemed like a farce. So it was reflected in our art. That is the kind of mind that creates something like this. One that was lost in irreality.”

“Dear sweet Celestia,” she whispered, turning away.

“Ah yes, Celestia,” I said, finally turning to her. “Did she have a message for me?”

“She… she wants to… see you. In the breakfast room. E-excuse me…” The poor maid left without another word.

“Are you at a good stopping point?” I asked Flo.

“I can copy the entire painting from memory. We’ve been at this for an hour and we’re halfway done. Even if I wasn’t at a good stopping point, would it really matter?”

“Yeah, if we wanted to spite Celestia a little more.”

“Which we don’t. Let’s get you cleaned up, shall we?”

She put the paintbrush down on the easel and stood, walking to the bathroom. “You know I can do this myself, right?” I asked.

“Of course you can. But sometimes it’s nice to play.”

“Fine. But only because seeing my female body fills me with horrible feelings of revulsion.”

“You need to work on your self-esteem.”

“And you need to work on minding your own business.” She rolled my eyes and continued doing whatever she felt like to get ready. Thankfully, I didn’t have to bitch slap her for trying to put on makeup or perfume. Though that might have been because I didn’t have any makeup to put on.

When we got back into my room, she relinquished control of my body. It’s probable that she knew I would find a way to punish her if she made me go to Celestia in a skirt. I might be willing to do some role play with Celestia involving stuff like that, but I wasn’t going to show it off to the palace.

So I dressed simply and quickly, because I was actually starting to feel somewhat hungry. As tempting as it was to bring Taya to make Celestia suffer, I figured that wouldn’t be very nice to either of them. I would still rag on Celestia for it, but I left without knocking on my daughter’s door. She was probably still asleep anyway.

Down the memorized path I went, ignoring the servants that were just as content to ignore me. As I walked, I imagined possible conversation chains that I might soon have, even though I knew that was unhealthy and unproductive. Still, it kept my mind occupied and off the fact that I was walking strangely.

Surprisingly, the door to Celestia’s dining hall was already open, so I just let myself in. I was going to let myself in anyway, but I felt less like a dick for doing so. “Ah, so the human deigns to join me today,” she said with her normal smile.

“Blame fatherly duties for missing you yesterday,” I said, sitting down in one of the seats next to her.

“Oh, so you missed me?”

“Sure, if you want to think that.” Her horn lit up and the door to the hall closed. “Oh, you want privacy? Are we gonna be doing something naughty?”

“Not here, no. I would like to eat first. Though it might not be wise for you to…”

“And why is that?” I asked, grabbing something from the table.

“Because I would certainly hate to test your lack of needing to go to the bathroom.”

“That won’t be necessary at all,” I said, starting to eat.

“Oh? If I remember correctly, you owe me a dare…” she coyly said, grabbing an apple to munch on.

“That ol’ thing? I completed it last night.”

Her magic slipped and the apple hit the table. “What?”

“Your dare never specified who. So I went to one of my crew members. He put it where the sun doesn’t shine and if I ever do that again, it’ll be too soon.”

She sighed and asked, “Must you steal every shred of sunlight in this world from me?”

“You reap what you sow,” I replied with a shrug, continuing to eat.

“Well… how was it, at least?”

“Uncomfortable. Annoying. I was farting cum the entire flight back to the palace.” She sprayed apple all over the table before she could stop herself. “Like I said, it’s not something I want to repeat.”

“It’s-it’s an… an acquired taste,” she said between pounding on her chest to try to expel the rest of the apple.

“As always, if something takes effort to enjoy, it’s probably not worth it. I have a perfectly good fun hole and plenty of people willing to play with it. Why go through the trouble of getting used to something else?”

“Novelty. And sometimes the feeling of doing something so wrong is so right.”

“Weird. Well, I won’t be doing it again any time soon.”

“You’re no fun.”

“You’ll get to see just how much fun I am tomorrow at the Gala,” I said with a smirk. She pursed her lips and went back to eating. “Oh come on. Don’t tell me you’re already regretting it.”

“It wasn’t a deal I wanted to make in the first place. I also didn’t want to go on a public date, but we’re stuck with it. Just remember to check on Cadance some time tomorrow night to make sure she’s doing her part.”

“Of course. I’ll slap her ass and see if she jumps more than usual. That just means I’ll have to take a break from you…”

“I’m sure that won’t be hard. Now, the maid I sent to find you has informed me that you are mentally disturbed. Would you care to explain that?”

“Not really.”

“Ah, right, forgive me. Explain that.”

Fuck. “I’m letting Flo paint some human art. It’s going pretty well, too. We have about half of one painting done. I suppose I’ll take it by some art place when it’s finished or something.”

“I would like to see it, first.”

“Are you going to burn it, too?”

“Now, now. You know I never burned any of your books, Nav. I keep them in my hidden collection. The same would be true of any art you’re making that might not be good for my little ponies.”

“You do realize how condescending you sound right now, right?”

“Several thousand years of taking care of them all does that, I suppose.”

“It also makes them damn near incapable of solving problems without you. There was a time when I thought Twilight and her friends were literally retarded, but then I realized that’s just how almost all ponies are, because they’re so used to someone else cleaning up any messes.”

“...True, in some ways. But would you rather them go down your path, to war and violence?”

“I admit to not knowing much history, but how have the griffins fared? The changelings? Other herbivorous races? I doubt war would come so quickly as that. Maybe, in time. But it seems most of the races alive today lack the burning ambition that most violence requires.”

“You are not going to ruin my breakfast,” she said, using magic to force a large slice of cake into my mouth before I could say something else. “You need more skin on your bones, anyway.” I did a decent imitation of Taya on her. “What? You’d look cute with more curves!”

“You just want an excuse to be fat,” I muttered, looking back to the table and trying to swallow her diabetes bread.

“I never heard you complain before!”

“Hey, more cushion for the pushin’ is good up to a point, but I don’t exactly have a dick to shove in you anymore. My time back on the farm told me that you’re heavy for a horse your size.”

“Oh?” she seductively whispered, her eyes going doey. “And what are you gonna do about it?”

Thankfully, I knew where she was going with that. “I guess I’ll have to take you out back and ride you until you drop.” She shivered in delight at the thought. “Oh, you seem excited. Hm, it sure is a shame I don’t have a saddle… I guess I’ll have to ride you bareback again. I’ll be sure to bring some reins and a riding crop, though. I wouldn’t want to let you… disobey.” It’s sad to say, but the blush that slowly covered her while I was talking really was cute. She definitely saw my dirty grin, but didn’t comment on it before her horn lit up and I was suddenly sitting on my bed. “Well, that was rude.”

“And strange,” Flo said. “But it gives me more time to work on the painting, I suppose.”

Personally, I was okay with that. However, it seemed Celestia had different ideas. Just as I was going to tell Flo to take over, I found myself teleported yet again, and this time I fell flat on my ass since there wasn’t a chair under me. When I had a chance to actually look around, I saw that Celestia and I were in a very large open field that looked like it might well be part of the ‘wastes’ between the east and west coasts.

“Uh…” Before I could ask, a pair of reins and a riding crop appeared before me. “What…?” Celestia kneeled down next to me and opened her mouth wide. “Oh boy, we’re actually doing this…” Since I had no clue where we were and she was doing the silent treatment/dumb animal thing, I took a moment to untangle the reins and then inserted the bit into her mouth. She silently bit down, grinning. I just shrugged, grabbed the crop, and straddled her back, hoping that riding without balls wasn’t too painful.

As soon as I was settled, she burst off at a gallop. That wasn’t supposed to happen at all, so I pulled the reins back, careful not to jerk them, until she slowed down. Then I gently prodded her sides with my feet, motioning her forward at a slower pace.

It had been a long damn time since I rode a horse like Celestia wanted me to, and I had never done it extensively. It was mostly a novelty thing back then. It had presumably been a long damn time since Celestia got ridden, so at least I wasn’t alone in my rustiness.

Every time she started trying to be naughty or too flighty, I would give her a hard tap with the crop. Her wings flinched each time and she quickly went back to behaving. We had a fairly good system going after about ten minutes, with her appropriately obeying her human master.

Until she spread her wings and jumped into the air, making me grip on tight in surprise and fear until I remembered that I had wings too. Even then, that was not what I wanted her to do. But since she had done it anyway and I had no clue where I was—meaning she could leave my ass behind in an instant—I decided to play along.

Riding her in the air was an entirely different experience. There was no pain from her bare hooves pounding onto the ground and the motions her body made under me were completely different. It actually felt… disturbingly good, feeling her move under me like she was doing. It was at least enough to make me feel slightly better after my pussy got horribly abused when we were on the ground.

When Celestia found a calm river fed into by a short waterfall, she started circling, looking for a decent spot to land. The area she found was actually very pretty, but I’m pretty sure she chose it more for the calm water than anything else. Either way, she landed in a large field covered in flowers next to the river, then trotted up to it.

As soon as we got to the edge, I patted her side and slid off. “Open,” I said, reaching for the bridle. Her mouth opened and I pulled the device off of her. She turned down to the water and I gently patted her neck, looking around more, as she drank. The water was fairly clear, so I wasn’t too worried about her getting sick. Mind, I wouldn’t want to drink it or even swim in it, but she was definitely welcome to. “This really is a nice spot,” I quietly said, looking back toward the field.

She didn’t answer with words. Instead, her muzzle pulled up to touch my hand, where I had been petting her neck. It looked like she was smiling, but with my hand in the way, it was hard to tell. That was easily fixed by rubbing her cheek instead, proving that she was. Then she pulled her head away again and put it over my shoulder. The intent was obvious, so I hugged her.

“Guess it’s a good thing the Gala’s coming up,” I said when I let her go. “Everyone expects their princess is getting ready, I suppose. And if not, well, fuck them. Let’s go for a walk.” That we did, walking side by side into the large flowery field. As we walked in silence, my mind got to thinking. Unfortunately, those thoughts turned dark very quickly. “You know, this field is really nice… but even now, I can’t help but wonder. What used to be here? Are we walking on the ruins of a human city?”

She didn’t answer, as expected. However, she did move a little closer to me, which I suppose is all I could really ask for.

“That thought should be sad, I suppose,” I continued. “Today’s society is built on the graves of millions of my people. There are none left. I’m some mutant clone. Athena sold her humanity for knowledge. Arachne lost humanity to hubris. I should be sad about that. But I can’t feel anything…”

Her ears began twitching and she moved closer again. I stopped and looked down, unable to think about anything other than what could be under us. What monstrous tomb or ghostly entities awaited underground, just waiting for the chance to come out? In the end, I just sighed and sat down on a patch of grass. After a moment of thought and checking for ants, I went from sitting to lying. Celestia joined me, gently putting her head on my stomach.

“It’s odd, I suppose. As much as I should be sad or angry, I can’t really feel much about… being stuck as a girl, either. I suppose a sense of loss or regret, but really, it’s just par for course, now. I got fucked in every other aspect of life, after all. Why not force me to get fucked just to have sex, too?” As much as she might have been dying to say something to that, she held her tongue. I had a make or break question for her, though. “How long can you really expect to survive after you truly stop feeling anything?”

Surprisingly, she managed to not answer with words. Instead, she chose actions, though those actions weren’t really in keeping with an animal: She sat up and kissed me.

When she decided she was finished and pulled away, I sighed and said, “Well, that fills me with a feeling somewhere, but I don’t think it’s the one you wanted. Sure is a shame I’m a good person that wouldn’t take advantage of a mindless animal…”

She finally chuckled and her horn lit up. “Good thing I’m not so mindless,” she whispered, starting to pull my pants down. As soon as they were around my knees, she stopped. “You’re bleeding!”

“I’m what?” I asked, sitting up and looking down. Sure enough, I was bleeding. Her horn lit up brighter, but I quickly sighed, “Don’t bother.”

“What? You’re hurt!”

“No, I’m not… Human women go through something called menstruation where… Well, you don’t want to know the details, but it results in a bleeding vagina. It’s unfortunately completely natural. Now that I think about it, it’s that time of month again. No wonder I was feeling so fucking melancholy.”

“That’s…”

“Fucking nasty, I know.”

“That wasn’t how I was going to put it, but… yes. How long does it last?”

“A week.”

“A week?! How will we—Hm. And you’re sure you don’t want to keep trying anal?”

“Hey, I can still use a strapon. There’s nothing wrong with you, after all. I’ll just have to keep something on it so blood doesn’t get everywhere.”

“Hm.” Her horn lit up and my pants slid back up. “You know, I could also turn you into a mare. If you’re like this now, you might well be in heat as a pony…”

“That’s something to consider later, I guess. I hate being a mare, but it wouldn’t be completely horrible as long as it didn’t last too long.”

“You can be a mare and I can be a human… I bet I could ride you, too!”

“I doubt it. I’m taller than most ponies, and I can barely ride them. You’re taller than I am as a human, so there’s no way you’d be able to ride one. Unless we swapped bodies, I guess. But I don’t want to be ridden and I really don’t want your body.”

“That’s a shame…”

“Hey, I can still ride you like this. I would just want to wear some kind of pad. And it’ll definitely hurt worse.”

“Worse? Does riding hurt?”

“Oh god yes. Not when you’re flying, but on the dirt? Jesus. Every step jolts my body. It’s even worse, since there’s no saddle or anything to use as padding. And it’s been so long since I really did it and I was never an expert at it anyway, so it really, really messes with me.”

“Then why didn’t you stop me?”

“Just because it hurts doesn’t mean it’s not fun. And you seemed to be enjoying yourself, so I figured it didn’t matter that much.”

She sighed, easing her head back down on my stomach. I shrugged and laid back down onto the grass, one of my hands going up to her head and scratching at her ears. It’s amazing how quiet it was in that field. The only noise that reached us was from the gentle trickle of the water.

That was a nice day…

As much as Celestia and Cadance both tried, I absolutely refused to wear a dress to the Gala. Celestia’s magic was strong, but invisibility is hard, so she couldn’t keep me invisible the entire time. She told me the spell would only last about an hour. Apparently she couldn’t use ‘real magic’ to make me invisible because she would have to constantly be concentrating, which would be hard with me doing illicit things to her while also trying to talk to ponies at the Gala.

Celestia and I started the night in a small room outside of the large room where Celestia usually stands during the Gala. “Any last thoughts?” I asked, checking on the toys I had in my pockets.

“I made this deal with you, but don’t think I won’t get you back if you get us caught. And if you thought your reputation was bad now… Well, if you get discovered, don’t expect to find any special somepony in the next two hundred or so years that isn’t me.”

“And yet, I don’t feel any concern about that,” I quietly said, popping my knuckles one last time before we were on. The smile she gave me for that let me know that she got the message.

“I made sure to add a grandfather clock to the other end of the hall from where we’ll be standing. Keep an eye on it. The Gala starts at six, which is in five minutes. You may begin then. Finish whatever you’re doing in forty-five minutes. The spell should last slightly less than fifteen minutes longer, but I want a margin of error.”

“I’ll give you ten,” I said, crossing my arms. “The deal was ‘during the Gala’. You’re lucky I’m not making Twilight and Cadance cast spells on me, too. I can clean up any mess you make, but the smell is on you. As is my smell, for that matter. It drove Spike rapey, so I hope you didn’t invite any predators.”

“I didn’t, this year. Kat and Spider will probably be attending, but I don’t think they will bother you.”

“Ah, want some of the attention off of you. Smart. Doppel? Jak?”

“If your maid attends, it will be in her own form. I don’t know a Jak.”

“He’s my blacksmith, a minotaur.”

“You… have a minotaur? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t realize that would be a problem.”

“...He’s on your crew, so it shouldn’t be a problem. But it’s discourteous to have an event like this and not invite any visiting minotaurs.”

“Dude’s probably back on the ship now anyway. Got a message a few hours ago that it’s done. It’s not too late to send someone for him?”

“No, I’m sure he knows. If he wants to come, he’ll come. Anyway…” She took a deep breath, her horn lighting up. “It’s time. Do you have everything on you that you want?”

I grabbed my crotch to check, then shook my head. “I’m afraid not.”

She snorted, rolling her eyes. The light from her horn shot at me and I disappeared. “Grab onto my tail. I don’t know how experienced you are, but it’s hard to walk when you can’t see your own legs.”

“I’m fairly experienced,” I said, walking over to her and wrapping one hand around her tail. “But I won’t say no to a chance to walk close to your ass.”

“At least I know you like what you see,” she said, her voice sounding rather resigned. “Let’s get this over with.”

“That’s the spirit,” I said right before she opened the door. Together, we walked to what was surely going to be the best night ever.

We got into the large room with about fifteen seconds to spare. That gave me a small moment to scan the crowd, all of whom looked up at Celestia when we entered. As usual, the vast majority of them were ponies. The only exceptions I saw were Kat and Spider, who were next to one of the back walls. A small gulf surrounded them and all the ponies around them kept casting furtive glances their way.

I also saw Fancy Pants in the crowd, so I knew he and his wife were probably there. Fleur would probably be staying away from Celestia, though, so I doubt I’d see much of her. Even if I did, hopefully she was taking my threat to mind.

But all thoughts of sizing up the crowd disappeared when Celestia began talking, since that was my cue to get to work.

About fifty-three minutes later, I was happily walking back. The halls were mostly clear since the Gala was going on, and I was still invisible, so I was able to easily get to my room. The few ponies that were in the halls looked up as I silently passed, sniffing quietly at the air and looking around. None really stopped to question it, though, so there weren’t any problems.

I made sure that Taya knew she wasn’t allowed in my room during the Gala, so I didn’t have to worry about her seeing the door invisibly open and then close, or wonder why I suddenly appeared out of thin air, wearing a wet double-headed strapon and covered in sweet smelling fluids. All of it and the other toys went with me into the shower. I didn’t even bother taking my clothes off when I got under the water.

Cleaning up was simple, thankfully. I got all the sex toys cleaned as well as I could without boiling them, got myself as physically clean as possible, then got out. It felt good to be cleanish again, after walking back as wet as I was. It was also nice to finally get a chance to get myself off, even though I was currently disgustingly bleeding.

When I got done with all that, I got dressed again, put my sword and dragon armor on (so I couldn’t get stabbed in the back again, though I didn’t use the helmet), threw a dark cloak over my shoulders to hide the tightness of the armor, and went back to the Gala. Little had changed since I left, though Celestia now seemed at least slightly more able to hold a conversation, despite the toys I left behind.

To remind her that I was still there, I revved the controls, making her flinch slightly and look around. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to enjoy the moment, because I was immediately swarmed by nobles, each one with ‘Luna’ on their lips. I crossed my arms and just waited, looking around at the ones in front of me in silence.

After a few minutes, they all petered out. “You, talk,” I said, nodding at one of them.

“Is… Are the rumors true?” the nobleman asked.

“Rumors are rarely true. But please, indulge me. What rumors?”

“That you… killed Princess Luna?”

“Absolutely not. She broke the law and will be punished by the law, not by me. However, she disappeared. If she makes any attempts to find me and break the law again, I will defend myself. It will not end well for her. That’s all I have to say about that.” I nodded to the mare next to him.

“What… what was it like? When she… did what she did?”

“Imagine… crumpling a piece of paper into a ball.” The mare blinked. “You have total control over that paper. You can make it into something beautiful if you want.” I reached a hand out and softly caressed her face, making her flinch. “Write a poem on it. Fold it into any shape…”

Both of my hands went to her cheeks, making her breath catch. “Um…”

I continued, my hands pressing tighter against her. “But instead, you ruin it. Make it something ugly.” My hands slowly left her face and returned to my sides. “The paper knows you’re the artist, the writer, its master. It wants to be molded into something beautiful. But instead, it’s destroyed.” She looked away. “Ruined. Tortured with knowing its master betrayed it…” A tear fell from her face. “But it’s not over, no. Paper that’s written on can be cleaned with special inks. Paper that’s been folded can be unfolded. Paper that’s crumpled…”

“Please...”

“Paper that’s crumpled can never be smooth again.” She squeezed her eyes shut and looked down. “That is what being raped is like. Ruined forever, no matter how clean you might look from a distance. Any other questions?” The nobles very quickly cleared away from me. When I looked to make sure they were all gone, I found Kat and Spider standing behind me. “Enjoying the party?” I quietly asked.

“That was… an apt description,” Kat said, looking away. “One maybe even these spoiled ponies can understand.”

“You can never truly understand what you haven’t been through,” I said, walking over to her.

“They are luckier than the three of us, then,” she said. “Each crumpled and shattered...”

“That’s far too much of that,” I said. “Again, are you enjoying the party?”

“No. I spent too many years of my life with these formal sessions as my hunting grounds. There’s little enjoyment to be found here.”

“Nothing’s stopping you from leaving, you know.”

“It pays to acclimate the elite to your presence in a new place. Especially when you have someone like Spider with you. Though I have had a few propositions to join some ponies in small sitting rooms. Alone.”

“It’s a party,” I said with a shrug. “Enjoy yourself.”

“...Perhaps I will do that. Later. For now, I suppose we should part ways. I doubt the princess would be pleased if we monopolize each other’s time.”

“She can suck a fat one, but you’re right. I’ll see you later, Kat.”

“Until then, Nav.” She gathered up her pet and they wandered off, leaving a wake of whispers behind them.

My next and only other target for that night was Cadance, to make sure she was upholding her dare. I also wanted to see her in her natural element, to see if she was being a good politician or whatever it was she did. I had seen her at the previous Gala, but that one kind of went to shit.

I started wandering around the main areas of the palace, looking for her. Thankfully, most of the nobles seemed to have gotten the message that I wasn’t to be bothered. Several of the stallions flinched as I passed when they smelled my pheromones, but thankfully, none commented.

All of the Wonderbolts were out in the patio area, talking with each other and some nobles. I made sure to sneak out before any of them saw me, because I really didn’t feel like explaining what happened to me again. I also didn’t want to risk any of them wanting to fuck, given my bleeding vag status.

Fleur was surrounded by a string of noblemares, each in some fancy and over-the-top anime-esque dress. Thank god, she was facing the other way when I found her. Not so thankfully, as soon as some of the mares in her group noticed me, I was immediately pointed out. By that point, I was already disappearing around the corner.

Ducking into a very convenient side room is all that saved me from getting captured by their group to talk about anime. The door was closed before they could round the corner to catch me, meaning they all ran past. When I heard the last one pass, I breathed a sigh of relief.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t alone, a stifled moan catching me off guard. I turned around to find Cadance rocking from foot to foot. “Ah, there you are,” I said, smiling. She was alone in the room, so I figured I was about to have some fun.

“N-Nav?” she whispered, finally opening her eyes. It was then that I realized she hadn’t even noticed me walking in.

“Sure is,” I said, nodding. “You don’t look so hot,” I said, my smiling deepening.

“I’m… trying that e-edging thing. It’s hard!”

“As hard as Shiny’s big, long cock?” I asked, slowly walking up to her. She flinched at that thought, one of her hooves half-reaching to an area that would give her relief. “Just think of him finding you now. Finding his naughty wife like this, publicly teasing herself. Oh, I bet he would mount you in an instant and just take you then and there…”

She moaned quietly, humping slightly. “I-I n-need to g-g-go!” She started walking past me to the door, but stopped when I put my hand on her back.

“Hm. I bet he would punish you first, you dirty girl. Since you like exhibitionism so much, I bet he would spank you in front of all the ponies. Punish you like you deserve. Maybe he’d even take you in front of them.”

“N-Nav, please!”

“Please what?” I asked, taking the last step up to her and hopping onto her back. I leaned up next to her ears and whispered, “Please keep tormenting you?”

“No!”

“Please keep teasing you!”

“Ugh, no!”

“Please keep reminding you that the dare was meant to be public?”

Her horn lit up and threw me off and thankfully into a chair instead of a wall. “This is bucking hard!” she yelled, rounding on me. “Let’s see you do this!”

“But that’s not my dare,” I said, leaning back into the chair. “If it’s too hard, turn it down. But the dare is supposed to take place at the Gala. We’re in a side room, not at the Gala.”

She grit her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “You are awful.”

“Ain’t I just?” I replied with a cheeky grin. That grin disappeared when she shoved her ass in my face. “Uh…”

“Turn it down,” she commanded.

“I’m… not really sure that’s something I should be doing,” I said, looking around her ass to her face.

“If you can tease me, you can turn it down. Consider that… punishment for bothering me in the first place.”

“I’d really rather not…”

“I will not hesitate to sit on you, Navarone,” she answered.

I just rolled my eyes and reached up her dress to turn the dial on her toy down. She sighed in relief as I pulled my hand back. “There, happy? God, I need to wash my hands…”

“Let’s go back to the party, Nav,” she happily said, stepping away from me.

“I think I’ll pass,” I answered as I got to my feet. “There’s nothing else at the Gala I really need to do, aside from occasionally tweak some toys on Celestia.”

“Too bad. Everypony knows we’re friends, so you’re free to escort me back. That way, nopony will suspect anything like they might if they thought I had been alone. All you have to do is come back with me. Then you’re free to leave.”

“You are so demanding,” I sighed, shaking my head in rueful remorse.

“You just earned yourself a dance,” Cadance said, using magic to pull me along behind her.

“Oh come on!”

“Don’t make me drag you to Celestia’s room,” she warned. “I bet she still has some dresses there.” I didn’t reply to that, because I knew she wasn’t bluffing. “That’s what I thought. I hope you remember your dances!”

Flo, why do you keep letting these things happen?

“Because watching you suffer is so much fun,” she replied with a giggle.

You’re going to be such a handful when you get free.

“Oh, you know you love it,” she said. “Just be happy I’m not forcing you to reply to Cadance.”

Ugh.

Unfortunately, I quickly discovered that Fleur’s posse hadn’t gone too far in their search for me, so Cadance and I bumped into them on the way back to the Gala. As soon as the mares realized I wasn’t running, they surrounded both of us, Fleur at the head.

“Hello, Princess,” Fleur casually said, barely bending her knees.

“Hello to you, Fleur,” Cadance happily answered, a small smile coming to her face. “Have you been enjoying the Gala?”

“Indeed I have, Princess. In fact, we were just looking for you. And your human friend, of course.” As if bored, I pulled out a knife and started using it to pick at my teeth. Fleur’s eyes twitched, but she didn’t relent. “I have an invitation for the both of you.”

Before Cadance could answer, I pulled the knife away and said, “I believe we’ve spoken about this before. My answer hasn’t changed.”

“Oh? You know, Equestria’s foal services might not appreciate the answer you gave me…”

“Ugh, Nav, what did you do?” Cadance asked.

“I vehemently declined her invitation with the warning that she was not to solicit me with any more.”

“That’s a mild way of putting it,” Fleur said. “Do you want to hear the exact wording, Princess?”

“I lived with Navarone for a few months. I imagine I know the gist of what he said.”

“What she said, you mean,” Fleur said with a small titter.

“...Yeah. Nav’s answer won’t change, but I would be delighted to attend one of your parties, assuming I’ll still be in town.”

“I’m afraid it won’t be the same, without its guest of honor… It’s a party about famous human customs, you see.” I rolled my eyes.

“Human customs?” Cadance asked. “Nav, why don’t you want to go?”

“Because they weren’t famous. They were infamous. I didn’t take part in any of the ‘customs’ she was talking about. I didn’t like any of the customs she was talking about. Most people didn’t, actually. They’re a niche interest centered around the nerds and losers. I’d rather not see how the ponies are portraying it, thank you.” That got a lot of whispers from the ponies around me, but Fleur was just smirking.

“Oh?” she asked. “You wouldn’t want to make sure we’re doing things correctly? That we don’t fall down the path of those… nerds or losers?”

I shrugged. “Not my problem. I’ll be leaving in less than two weeks anyway. You guys can do whatever the hell you want, as long as it doesn’t involve me.”

“Well, I think it sounds like an interesting experience,” Cadance said. “I’ll be sure to come, if I’m still in town.”

“Small victories, I suppose,” Fleur said with a sickly sweet smile. Somehow, I had a feeling things weren’t over between the two of us. “I won’t keep you any longer, Princess. I’ll be sure to send the details later.”

“Until then, Fleur,” Cadance said, bending her head slightly. The mares parted before us as we continued walking. I put my knife away with a comforting click. When we were a few halls away, Cadance snorted and quietly said, “I detest that mare.”

“Then why go to her party?”

“I said I’d go if I was still in town. I’ll make sure to leave the day before, if I’m not gone sooner. Did you know she doesn’t even love her husband?”

“...You don’t say.”

“She sleeps around at every chance she gets. At the Gala last year, she had sex with Celestia! You probably didn’t hear about that, though, since you were bedridden at the time.”

“Yeah… Just do what I do, then.”

“Purposefully antagonize her? No thank you. It’s better to just pretend to be polite.”

“And then talk about her behind her back?”

“Of course. We’re mares, Nav. That’s what we do.”

“You’re a mare. I’m a woman. Sort of. Speaking of that, why do you even want to dance with me?”

“Because it’s hard to dance with somepony shorter than you, if you’re not the lead. It’s rare that Shining Armor and I get to dance. He wouldn’t mind this, though, since we’re just friends. And it’ll help distract me from… what’s in me.”

“Fair enough, I guess. Just don’t tell Shiny so he doesn’t get jealous.”

“I doubt he would. After all, we’re just friends.”

“Yeah, but people in relationships have a weird thing about jealousy. How would you feel if he started dancing with Captain Midnight?”

Her magical grip on my hand tightened slightly before she shrugged. “Fair enough, I suppose. Though I don’t think Captain Midnight is actually one of his friends. She doesn’t really seem to like anypony, actually.”

“She’s been through some shit,” I said with a shrug. “And damn, how far away from the dance floor were we?”

“I made sure to go the roundabout way back, to minimize our time on the actual Gala floor. I know how you feel about those ponies, after all.”

“Just remember your dare.”

“Yes, yes, I know. I’ll get back to it after our dance. You’re free to stay around with me after that, if you want.”

“No thank you. I’ll probably just head to the gardens or something to rest. I could always use more time away from everything.”

“That’s… tempting. It’s a shame I took this stupid dare. Remind me never to play that game with you again.”

“No promises.”

We finally got to the end of a hall and in front of a fairly unassuming door. “This should lead right to the main dancing area,” she said, putting her hoof to the handle. "Are you ready?”

“I doubt you’ll twerk or grind on me, so sure.”

“...Do I even want to know?” she sighed.

“Nope. Shall we?” She pushed the door open and dragged me out onto the dance floor, where all the couples were in the middle of a dance. We joined them fairly easily, though it took us both a moment to find a rhythm. Me, because it had been a while. Her, because she wasn’t used to dancing with a biped. We got into it quickly, though.

While we were dancing, my eyes found Octavia in the band playing music. We shared a secret smile, though I knew she wouldn’t get the chance to talk during the Gala. After all, she was booked to play music and would probably be busy all night.

I shared four or so songs with Cadance, mostly to be nice. It was also funny watching her face twitch slightly as she had to oddly position her body to make up for the height difference. That wasn’t usually a problem, but with what she was currently wearing, it made things awkward. That also reminded me to tweak Celestia’s controls, though she wasn’t on the dance floor with us.

When Cadance got suitably bored of it, or correctly sensed that I was bored of it, she finally pulled me off the floor, leading me over to a table. “You know, when you get like this, you really are fun,” she quietly said. “Now that Kumani… left, are you looking for somepony else?”

“I… may have eyes on someone,” I said. “But it’ll have to wait until after I’m done with the journey I’m on.”

“Why? I imagine I know exactly who you’re looking at, and I don’t see a reason to wait.”

“Because I’m a horny, horny bastard. I can’t ask this person to come with me and I won’t be able to stop myself from having sex for however long it’ll take for me to get back.”

“That is a sad, sad fact. But it is a fact. Still, I very much suggest you tell this pony. It’s always for the best to have your options open on the very low chance he or she doesn’t feel the same. And in case the worst happens, at least your feelings will finally be on the table.”

“I’ll think about it. No promises. Now, you need anything else before I bail?”

“What’s that armor made of?” she asked. “It feels strangely cool against my fur.”

“Dragon scales. We got them off of one that was already dead, so don’t worry.”

“That… doesn’t really make me feel better.”

“Can’t win ‘em all,” I said with a shrug. “See you later, lovebutt.” She snorted and shook her head, walking away. I started going the other way, but Fancy Pants was standing behind me. “What’s with people waiting behind me?” I asked. “That’s kinda creepy.”

“I apologize for any ‘creepiness’,” he said. “I didn’t want to interrupt, though I was about to try to get your attention. Did your voice change?”

“Let’s go for a walk,” I said, moving past him, toward the doors leading to the gardens. He fell in step next to me without another word, knowing I wanted privacy. The few nobles that hadn’t gotten word yet that asking me questions was a bad idea quickly changed their minds about trying when they saw me walking with Fancy. I had no idea what made him so influential, but it was really useful at times.

Soon enough, we were outside and headed to the beautiful palace gardens. “I believe we’re as alone as we’re going to get,” Fancy said after about a minute of walking in silence.

“Yeah… Did your wife tell you what happened?” I asked.

“She said she ran into you a few days ago,” he said. “I took it from her tone that it was an unpleasant meeting.”

“That’s a word for it. I do apologize, but she managed to trigger my apparently infamous human temper. I’m hoping that’ll be the end of it, since she was trying to invite me to an anime party.”

“Ah, yes. That. I will attempt to stop her from bothering you again, though I imagine a hint of your vaunted anger would be more than enough to discourage her.”

“It didn’t. She asked me again at the party, interrupting my talk with Cadance.”

“I see. I shall definitely have a discussion with her about leaving you alone. I know you value your privacy. Perhaps it shall work.”

“Hopefully. Now, about my voice. I don’t want the news about this spread too quickly, though I know it’ll spread. Basically, I got cursed and now I’m a female.”

“...I see. And it is unfixable?”

“So far, it seems like I’m stuck.”

“I suppose that explains your scent, too. I was wondering what that was. You’re handling it well, I assume?”

“As well as can be expected. I only tried to kill myself about five times because of it. I’d say that’s a pretty good number.”

“Uh… huh. Are you in heat at the moment?”

“It’s only similar in that it happens once a month. Humans have something… different. You really don’t want to know. But when it’s over, I’ll be willing to help you get revenge on your wife, if you want.”

“I’m afraid not. A few months ago, maybe. But now… Do you know what a beard is?”

“Facial hair, not that I’ll be growing one any time soon. Why?”

“Ah. Well, it’s nothing you need to worry about. So, do you happen to know where Princess Luna is?”

“No. Celestia refuses to tell me.”

“At least somepony knows where she is. From everything I heard, she vanished. There were many rumors that she went after you. But if Celestia knows, I can only assume the worst.”

“Oh, she’s definitely still alive,” I told him.

“No, no.” He looked up, toward the sky. My eyes joined his and I realized he was looking at the moon. “I can only assume she was imprisoned again. Though after your disappearance, there were many that said she killed you. Thankfully, the griffins cleared up that little rumor for us. Everypony was panicking, with you disappearing right after Luna’s confession.”

“I could have planned things better, I suppose. But the confusion helped me disappear, in some ways. It’s definitely nice to be home again, even though it’ll only be for such a short while.”

“Coming home always is nice, yes. Though I, and many others, can’t help but wonder where exactly it was you went. And, of course, where you’ll be going next.”

“First, Stalliongrad. Then the new Crystal Empire, with Cadance and Shiny. Then, Gryphus. Then the land south of Equestria, where nothing that enters ever returns. That’s where we found Spider. Then we came back to Equestria for a short time to pick up some supplies and some miners, then we went as far south as it’s possible to go. Finally, here we are.”

“And what, might I ask, was the goal of these trips?”

“You might ask, but I’m afraid I can’t answer. If Celestia hasn’t released the news yet, there’s probably a very good reason. I can only say that trouble is brewing. Big trouble. There’s a reason the elements of harmony went with me.”

“...I see. I offer you my horn, if you’d have it.”

“I’m afraid not. Our ship is fairly full and I wouldn’t take you away from your life here. You’ve earned your retirement.”

“But I’d rather have one last grand mission before I retire.” That’s what every old warrior says before dying on a mission. “A final chance to make a difference. I may be getting up there in age, but I’m not so old that I can’t be of use.”

“Oh, I know. The war games taught me that. But there’s limited space and you’re needed here. There might come a time when things start getting… chaotic. If that happens, you need to be here to keep the nobles in line. If you want your glorious mission, ask Celestia about Antarctica. She might be planning on sending a cleanup team down there. I don’t know if she’s taken care of it yet or not.”

“I… suppose I can do that. Though truly, I’d rather fight by your side than hold down the fort or… clean up.”

“By that, I mean deal with some remaining undead.”

“...Undead?”

“Yep. I’ve had a busy few months. Ran into all kinds of ghosts and zombies. The southern part of the world is covered in them. Celestia’s supposed to send someone to clean it out.”

“Then I shall certainly talk to her about it. Getting away from Canterlot for some time would be nice.”

“Be careful what you wish for. I imagine you’d quickly start wishing for some of the comforts you had here that you definitely won’t have in the field. Good food, a nice bed, someone to share it with, nice music, books… Equestria doesn’t have too many comforts, but I would be loath to leave them behind if I didn’t have to.”

“True. And that reminds me of something. You are a scholar, are you not?”

“Not really. I’m more of a warrior than anything else. I have read a ton of books, though. Why?”

“Have you heard of the books from another world? They seem like something that would greatly interest you.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of them. Your wife mentioned you read them. You’re a fan?”

“That is a word for it. I’ve read many of them. They don’t seem to interest most ponies, however. Have you read any of them?”

“I wrote them. Or rather, translated them.”

“...I thought as much. You mentioned other books in the forewords of some of the ones that were printed. Books that didn’t end up largely printed. What happened to those, such that they didn’t get printed?”

“Celestia banned them. All books and art I bring from my world have to go through her to be allowed to be published en masse. She can nix any of them if she wants.”

“That is… sad. I don’t suppose you have the originals of those she decided to ban?”

“Nope. She kept them for her personal library. Most of the best works are there, of course.”

“Of course. What causes them to be banned?”

“Making monarchies look bad; explaining gravity and how the planet revolves around the sun naturally, meaning she doesn’t control it; books full of violence; her being in a bad mood; and a few other things that she doesn’t tell me about.”

“I could get you in touch with a few private collectors that would be quite pleased to own copies of those forbidden texts, Nav. Many would put a large price tag on them.”

“That is definitely something I’ll keep in mind, the next time I have access to Celestia’s room and she won’t be there for a while. I wouldn’t mind having a few extra copies of some of those books around. Just know that I’ll probably be slowing down on the books, since I’ve started trying my hand at art.”

“...Do you have anything painted yet?”

“Yeah. The first piece was anonymously donated to the art museum here in town after Celestia deemed it acceptable. Depending on how it’s received, I’ll start trying to sell them after this one. It only takes a few hours to copy each painting, whereas it can take days to transcribe a book.”

“That is… astounding. How do you do it?”

“Technology. I have copies of all human books on a device in my room. I have a… robot of sorts in my head that helps me write and paint flawlessly. It’s hard to explain and it’s not important. It just means that I’ll be able to get some easy money from art.”

“Not that you really need much more, if what I’ve heard is true.”

“Yeah, I don’t. But keeping an airship flying can be expensive. So is raising a daughter.”

“Something I never had the honor of knowing. Are you going to have any private showings for your art? Or allow anypony to proofread your writing before you send it to the princess?”

“I wasn’t planning on it. If you’d like to do me a favor, though, I’ll be willing to let you get the first look at the paintings, aside from Celestia.”

“I would be honored. What favor do you need of me?”

“Sell it for me. Museums, private collectors, rich friends, whatever. Keep a twenty percent seller’s fee and just put the rest in the bank for me. That way, no one has to know I’m the artist.”

“And my wife and I have the connections to make sure the art moves quickly. Very well. When should I expect the first piece?”

“Dunno. I’ll have them dropped off as I finish them. Since I don’t have much to do over the nights, I might be able to get some to you tomorrow. Maybe.”

“I certainly look forward to it, then. Your books are interesting enough. I can only imagine what your art might look like. If you don’t mind, there are a few parties here tonight that might be interested in obtaining them. Would you like me to speak with them now?”

“Go for it. I certainly wouldn’t want to keep you to myself all night. Unless you want me to, though you already said you weren’t interested in that.”

“Between you and me, I would much rather be in bed right now than here. And I would much rather be speaking with you than dealing with some of those rich old nobles inside.”

“Amen to that. I’ll be staying out here all night or heading back to my room.”

“It’s tempting to do the same, but somepony has to keep my wife in check. We will have to get together again before you leave, Lady Navarone.”

“Yeah, don’t… don’t call me that, please.”

“Noted. Goodbye for now, then.”

“See you, Fancy.” He nodded one last time and veered off to head back to the palace. I continued deeper into the gardens. When I got as deep into the place as I figured I could get, and where I almost definitely knew I wouldn’t get found, I pulled my cloak off and then unbuckled my chestplate. Soon enough, my upper body was bare, allowing the warm summer night air to gently caress me. If I hadn’t been vag bleeding, I would have pulled off the lower part as well.

As it was, I set the cloak down as a blanket of sorts and lied down on the ground, enjoying the serenity of the Canterlot gardens after the bullshit of the Gala. It was, as always, a nice night; Celestia wouldn’t ever let it rain on her perfect party, after all. The only problem is that the small clearing I found was eerily silent. With all the pets Celestia had, I was expecting more ambient noise. Still, silence was better than being surrounded by the little bastards, so I wasn’t complaining.

That was the first hint I had that I wasn’t the only predator that stalked the night.

My eyes closed and I cast my mind out, just thinking. Some thoughts were about what Fancy said, some were about what Cadance said, and some were about my possible future. Flo was strangely absent, so I figured she was going to let me make any decisions on my own.

Decisions that would have to wait, given the furry mass that pressed against my chest. I immediately pushed it away and tried to back off before I realized it was a bat pony. “Jesus, Blossom! You scared the hell out of me.”

“You’re hurt,” she said, her nose flinching. “I smell your blood. What happened? Was it that stallion?”

“...Just how long have you been following me?”

“A few minutes. I was nearby when you stepped outside. Then I smelled your blood. Do I need to bring you a medic?”

“I’m fine, but thanks for the concern.”

“You’re bleeding. That isn’t fine, Navarone.”

“Your nose must be really sensitive. And why did you put your head on my chest?”

“To make sure you were still breathing. Now, who hurt you?”

“Ugh. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain, but this is a human thing. Our females… bleed for a week once every month.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It would if I explained the biology behind it, but it’s really nasty. So just don’t worry about it.”

“...Very well, though it seems unnatural.”

“It does to me, too. Anyway, how’s your night been?”

“Miserable. I hate the Gala and I hate nobles. But as the most senior officer present in Canterlot, I have to be on the palace grounds anyway.”

“Well, get used to that. I have a feeling you’ll be the most senior officer for a long time, assuming you stay in the guard.”

“Tch, don’t remind me.” She lifted her head and looked into the trees around us. “Navarone is fine. Return to your posts.”

The only signs of movement I caught were shifting masses of darkness, but that was enough to tell me there were other night guards up there. “Did you really pull people off their stations to check on me?”

“I said we would watch your back, and I meant it. And this way we can talk without having to worry about being overheard. Though I would rather see the wound first, so I know you aren’t trying to protect someone. And so I can get a taste, if you don’t mind.”

“Uhhhhh… You sure about that?”

“Fresh blood is always much tastier than that from bags. And I was on my way to get something to eat when I found you, which is why I was able to smell you so well. I can’t help that I’m hungry, and I know you’re willing to help.”

“Alright, I guess.” I pulled my legs up and started removing my greaves. The boots were already on the ground next to me, so soon I was completely naked before her.

“...Really?” she asked, looking down at my vagina.

“Hey, you asked to see it,” I said. “What did you think I meant when I said only our females bled like that?”

“That’s… a fair point.” Her eyes continued staring down, but a red tinge started entering her sclera.

“Well, now you’ve seen it.” I started reaching for my greaves, but one of her hooves stopped me. “Blossom…?”

The red tinge around her eyes started becoming deeper and deeper and she smiled, her fangs very noticeable. It seemed that the gums were retracting or something, because they looked larger and scarier than usual, though her tongue moving across her lips took my eyes away from them. “Time to feast,” she hissed, her head shooting down toward my lower half.

I flinched aside and put a hand on her head to stop her. “Woah now.” She pulled her head back up, glaring at me with raw hate. “I’m perfectly willing to do this if you aren’t in full bloodlust mode. But I don’t know if you want me or… or just…” Her eyes started glowing and I felt myself getting lost in them, my words slurring. “B-Blossom…”

“Open your legs,” my mistress lovingly ordered.

The roaring in my ears was cut off by Flo’s calm voice. “Awaken, Navarone.” I blinked and came awake to find that Blossom was still staring, waiting for me to break.

Jesus, she’s strong.

“Yes, she is,” Flo said. “I can keep your mind free from her, though.”

...Don’t. I’m going to ride this train as far as I can. If she starts hurting me, then help me resist. But until then…

“This is a horrible idea,” Flo sighed. “But very well.”

“Open. Your. Legs,” Blossom ordered again, her eyes flashing. Flo released my mind and I fell to Blossom’s mental assault.

(Sexy times ahead. ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip [I wouldn’t blame you])

My legs slowly moved aside, as though my body was still trying to fight her. Perhaps it sensed that a stronger predator was near or maybe my mind was just so cloudy that it was hard to move. Either way, Blossom quickly obtained access to my sensitive love canal.

Sensing my submissiveness, she lost any sense of urgency she might have had. Her head moved in slowly and she loudly inhaled, taking in the scent of the blood. Her tongue lolled out as she took in the apparently sweet scent. Then, faster than my eyes could see, both of her hooves shot in and grabbed my legs, forcing them wider apart. Her mouth opened wide, revealing her fangs, and her head shot in…

...Only to stop right before biting down. As much as I thought I should have been scared, I knew my mistress wouldn’t hurt me if I obeyed. Sure enough, her tongue carefully licked the inside of my right thigh, getting the few droplets of blood that had gotten there while she waited for my acquiescence. She giggled huskily at the taste and moved to my left thigh, her tongue moving closer and closer to the source of her desire.

“Beg for it,” she whispered, kissing my clit but not going any lower.

“Mistress, please!” I said, looking down at her. “Use me to sate your hunger!”

That was apparently all she needed, though I’m surprised she was able to wait that long. Either way, her tongue instantly went on the attack, slurping at my wet pussy like a dog drinking water. It helped that to her, she was drinking her life-giving fluid. We both moaned, her at the taste and me at the sensation of her tongue filling me.

“So sweet…” she muttered around licks, doing her best to lap up every drop of both blood and sex juices. Each thrust of her tongue made me moan and shake, as she brought me pleasure and eased the cramps within me.

And I wasn’t the only one feeling better and better about what she was doing. The increased blood flow and contractions in my uterus gave her much more of a snack, which in turn made her work harder for more. She was in some kind of strong bloodlust, and seemed almost animalistic. But she was taking care with her fangs and every twitch of her tongue sent me to higher plateaus of pleasure, so I didn’t care.

Much too soon, though, I felt myself reaching my real peak. She either used her vampire powers to hijack my tolerance or menstruating made me more sensitive, but Blossom made me cum much faster than I ever had. Just three minutes after she started devouring my pussy, I came and shot more blood out at her.

My loving mistress swallowed every drop that came out and then pulled away, licking her lips and snout of all the glistening amber fluids that covered her. “You taste so good, my succulent morsel,” she whispered, her head going back in for more.

I noticed something then and fought back against her control to ask a question. “M-mistress, can I n-not please y-you?”

She sat back up and chuckled. “Do not worry about me, pet,” she said, carefully caressing my thigh with a hoof. “I can’t feel horny. Your blood is all I need.” Can’t… what? That’s all I could think before her eyes flashed again and she said, “Don’t fight back again.”

“Never, mistress,” I unwittingly whispered, my eyes blanking for a few seconds before focusing back in. When they did, I almost wish they hadn’t.

Blossom’s appearance changed. Normally, she’s a cute little bat pony with sexy fangs. At the moment, she was taking on a much more bestial appearance. Her snout elongated and more fangs started jutting out of her mouth, though none of them were as long and sharp as the two primary fangs. Her tongue also got much longer, thicker, and pointier. And her eyes finally went completely red as she became totally consumed by the bloodlust.

All of those changes were enough to show me how much of a monster she actually became. Though I have to say, she was still at least slightly cute. “You’re beautiful, mistress,” my body quietly said, one of my hands carefully caressing her furry face.

“And you’re delicious,” she hissed, her head moving back down to my snatch for more. With her tongue’s change, it seemed to have gained a lot more strength and dexterity. She actually shoved it inside me, making me moan and flinch in shock. Since I was still sensitive and her tongue was doing seemingly everything right in its search for more blood, I quickly came again, giving her just a little more of what she wanted.

Unfortunately for both of us, ‘just a little’ of what she wanted wasn’t anywhere like enough for her addled mind. “I need more!” she growled when she pulled her tongue out with a disgusting schlicking sound. “Bleed for me, toy!”

“I l-live to s-serve,” I stuttered, barely able to speak from the afterglow. As much as I wanted to help her, though, I couldn’t. It seemed that cumming like that seriously slowed down the flow of blood. It also killed all the pain from PMSing, but I couldn’t really concentrate on that anyway.

After another minute of trying fruitlessly to get what she wanted, she snorted and grabbed my legs. “I know where I can get more,” she whispered, dragging me down. Soon, she was right next to my head. Both of her eyes flashed again and I moved my head back, giving her access to my throat. Before I could even brace myself, she sank her fangs into my carotid and then started sucking.

It didn’t take her long before she took so much that I just passed out.

(“Sex is over”)

When I finally came to, it was to something soft rubbing against my side, tickling me. I tried to pull away from it, but I could barely move. As soon as I tried, I immediately felt a burst of pain in my head, making me groan. “By the night, you’re awake!” Blossom yelled, pushing herself away from me.

“My head,” I whispered, struggling to lift a hand to block out any possible light. “What kinda party did we have?”

“Don’t move,” she quickly said, grabbing my hand and pushing it back down. “You’re… probably suffering from blood loss.”

“It’s just my period, Blossom. I’ll lose a little blood, but not enough to actually hurt me.”

“I lost control,” she whispered, looking away.

“Oh right, I remember now… That was a lot of fun. We’ll have to get together again before this week is over.”

“Are you joking? I’m a monster! I almost killed you!”

I sighed and said, “Come closer, Blossom.”

“What if I… lose myself?”

“You won’t. Please, talking isn’t easy. Come closer.” She slowly did so, holding a hoof to her nose so she couldn’t smell me. “Closer…” She moved even closer, though she started looking nervous. When she was close enough, I pounced, hugging her and making her actually squeak. “Relax,” I whispered, carefully petting her back.

“You don’t need to be moving,” she said, not making any attempt to push me away. “You… you need to be r-resting…”

“You are absolutely not a monster,” I calmly said.

“But—”

“You lost control when smelling new prey. You were hungry and I seemed vulnerable. It’s perfectly normal for you to want to take advantage of that. And I most definitely enjoyed it.”

“I… don’t remember any of it. I remember finding you here and then suddenly I was drinking from your throat…”

“Your eyes went red and your face changed a little, then you started trying to eat me out. You didn’t seem like you were all there, and I didn’t want you to do something you didn’t really want to do, so I tried to stop you. But then you did something to my mind and that’s when I lost myself.”

“Why… don’t you hate me?”

“You did what you did on accident, while Luna did what she did on purpose. Also, you’re really adorable.” She finally pushed me away, glaring at me. “What?”

“I am not adorable. I am a fearsome member of the night guard and a monster on top of it!”

“As any parent knows, every time you deny being adorable makes you even more adorable. Next I’ll start pinching your cheeks.”

She rolled her eyes. “You obviously aren’t as upset about this as you should be.”

“There’s nothing to be upset about. We’ve all lost control at least once.”

“But I almost killed you!”

“And I almost killed someone the last time I lost control. Shit happens. You didn’t kill me and you learned from it. Thus, there’s nothing to be upset about.”

“Then why do I still feel bad?”

“Because you need some time to think about it.”

“I don’t think time will help. I’ll still be just as much of a monster tomorrow as I was today.”

“Well, it won’t hurt. And I can’t stand up anyway, so you might as well chill here in case someone comes by.” I patted the grass next to me. “When was the last time you just watched the stars with a friend?”

“I… have a job to do…”

“Your troops will cover for you. If Celestia bitches, just blame me. I know you’re stressed. You need some time off.”

“I really shouldn’t...”

There we go. I patted the ground next to me again. She sighed and plopped down on it, making sure not to touch me. When she was situated, I grabbed the cloak from where it got tossed aside and threw it over the two of us, though I don’t think it covered all of either of us. “There.”

After a few seconds, she said, “This feels weird.”

“It’s only weird if you make it weird. And I won’t tell anyone, so feel free to actually relax.”

She fell silent for about fifteen minutes, when she finally said, “I’m sorry, Nav.”

“For losing control?”

“Not just that. Leading you on. When you left, I… mentioned something about a coming home gift, implying it would be sex.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind having sex.”

“I would. I’m a vampony. That technically means I’m dead. I have no blood flow, which means I can’t get horny. Thus, I have no interest in sex. I implied we would do something, but I never would have.”

“Then why say it?”

“...I don’t know. Heat of the moment? The feeling of acceptance? Wanting to taste you again?”

“You wouldn’t have to promise to sleep with me to do that, Blossom. I let changelings feed on me whenever they need it. Why would you be different?”

“Because I drink blood?”

“And they eat emotions. Each is dangerous to lose, when you lose too much. But you’re careful, so I don’t mind. Well, until now. I’m going to need to drink a lot of fluids and eat a lot to make this up. But I still don’t mind doing it, because you needed it.”

“I don’t understand that. Why would you risk yourself like that for me?”

“Well, if one of your troops needed something that you could give them, wouldn’t you give it to them?”

“I would, but you barely knew me when you found out my secret. And then, you were all too happy to help.”

“Maybe I’m secretly a nice person. Just don’t tell anyone, or they might get the wrong ideas.”

“You are very weird, Navarone.”

“I’ve been told that.” She didn’t reply to that, so we were silent for nearly a minute before I sighed. “I really am going to need some water, though. I can barely move and my entire body feels dry. You mind helping me get dressed and back to the party?”

“I doubt you can walk. How about I just bring you some water, and then help you get to your room?”

“That also works. Though I don’t mind spending more time out here, if you want. I just need some water, first.”

She snorted and pushed the cloak away. “I’ll be back soon, Navarone.” She opened her wings and flew off into the night.

After a minute, I sighed and said, “If I knew she couldn’t feel horny, I wouldn’t have bothered hitting on her. That takes all the fun out of it. And I guess that also explains why she was so hard to get.”

“Or maybe she just isn’t interested in you,” Flo said.

“Oh come on. I’m the hero. What sexy girl isn’t interested in me?”

“Applejack.”

“Those hips are overrated.”

“Pinkie, though she wouldn’t mind sleeping with you.”

“That’s all I really want.”

“Rarity.”

“That stuck up cunt? No complaints.”

“Cadance.”

“Married, so she doesn’t count.”

“It’s hard to come up with examples if you keep shooting them all down. What about the mares under your command on the ship?”

“I wouldn’t even if they were interested. Abusing authority and all that.”

“That didn’t bother you before, when you were a knight.”

“It started bothering me as soon as I realized they might look at it like that. But that’s enough about mares.”

“Oh? Would you prefer stallions?”

“Don’t even go there. Though I might pay Big Mac a visit just to tease him. After all the times he’s caught me, surely he’s wondering by now.”

“You’re sadistic.”

“Ain’t I just? Now, I don’t suppose you can help fix this blood loss problem up, can you?”

“I can’t, for two reasons. One, I can’t work with nothing. Once you get that water, I can start helping. Two, you did this to yourself. Despite knowing it was a bad idea, you let this happen.”

“And yet, the only complaint I have is that I don’t remember any of it.”

“Slut.”

“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

She snorted right as a heavy waterskin hit me on the chest, dropped by a descending bat pony. “Drink up, Navarone,” Blossom said, landing next to me.

“Speaking of that, how are you feeling?” I asked as I pulled the stopper off the flask.

“Unpleasantly full,” she answered. “Your blood is really thick. I drank way too much of it.”

“Hope you enjoyed it,” I said. “I put a lot of work into making it.”

“Very funny,” she dryly replied, though she didn’t sound very amused. “Now drink up. I want to get you to your room so I can go back to my duty.”

“Sure you don’t just want to get me on a bed? Grass is nice, but—”

“Please stop,” she sighed, facehooving. “You already know this isn’t going to happen again, not unless I really lose control. Why keep trying?”

“Because your reactions are funny.” I set the now-empty waterskin down and carefully sat up.

“I’ll have to remember that and stop reacting,” she said, shaking her head. “Are you ready to head back?”

“I need to get dressed first,” I said as I reached for my greaves. “Unless you want me to go back completely naked and leaking blood.”

“...How did you wear pants without any problems?”

“I put some pads in them so blood doesn’t leak out. It’s nasty, but it’s better than being stuck in a bathtub for a week out of every month.”

“I can’t believe human bodies do that. Why? Do other humans find it attractive?”

“Hell no. Most guys find it hella nasty, me included. I can explain it on the way, if you want, but it’s kinda nasty.”

“I think I’d be happier not knowing.”

“Probably.”

I had all my lower armor on, so she tossed me the cuirass from where it had been knocked aside. “All of your armor is so much more complicated than ours.”

“And a lot more protective. My arms and legs are actually guarded. That’s probably why it’s more complicated.”

“Our armor is supposed to be the best, but I wouldn’t be surprised if yours is stronger. And it felt lighter, too.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. This stuff is made from dragon scales. I haven’t had to test it out yet, though. I hope I never have to, but I know better.”

“You should come spar with us some day. My troops could use the practice against bipeds and you could probably use the practice in general. Maybe it’ll distract you from all that blood.”

“Or I might distract the guards. I’m apparently putting off some pheromones that get noticeable the more time I spend in one place. If a stallion came by, he might try something.”

“It’s not like you wouldn’t enjoy it. You ready to go now or what?”

“Hey, I’m not a complete slut. I like sex, but I wouldn’t put out at the drop of a hat. Especially not when I’m like this. But yeah, I’m ready. Hopefully I can stand.”

She snorted as I carefully got to my feet. “I wish I had the skills to knock someone on their back after sex before I got turned. Rising through the ranks might have been easier.”

“...That’s not really a thing here, is it?” I asked.

“That depends entirely upon who you ask. Can you walk?”

I took a few shuddering steps and then nodded. “Yeah. I could probably make it back by myself, but if someone waylaid me, I might be in trouble.”

“I doubt anyone wants to attack you, but I’ll walk you to your room, just in case. We all remember last year’s party, after all.”

“Awesome. And this way we can use each other as an excuse. You, for skipping work. Me, for skipping boring conversations. Everybody wins.”

“At least I’m not the only one that shares a dim view of the worth of nobles and their words.”

“There are a few here that are alright, but not many. And when you grow up in a world that doesn’t have them, it’s easy to see why they’re useless and annoying. I figure that view would be harder to sustain if you grew up here.”

“It is. I didn’t start realizing it until I had to protect them often. Entitled pigs. Most of the stallions tried flirting with me.”

“...So did I.”

“You flirt with everyone, and you were about equal in terms of rank. You also didn’t expect me to reciprocate because of your rank. I nearly had to tear Blueblood a new breathing hole when he wouldn’t leave me alone, once.”

“You should have. It would have saved me some trouble.”

“I’d prefer not to lose my position, thank you. It’s a shame my guards weren’t on duty at the front door last year. He would have had a harder time getting to you, given he had an arrest warrant on him.”

“For being a prick?”

“For abandoning his duties. It probably would have been a light sentence, but it would have given us time to learn he meant you harm.”

“Shame. But I’m still alive, so I guess it’s not too bad.”

“Even if you were bedridden for a month. Also, you’re walking very slow.”

“I happen to be missing a lot of blood. The only way to really speed it up to would for me to ride you, and I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“...Is your window unlocked?”

“Are you really in that much of a hurry to get rid of me?”

“I’m in that much of a hurry to get you to a bed. If this is as fast as you can walk, you need to be resting.”

“...So you want me to mount you?”

“Don’t make me kick you.”

“Hey, you’re the one saying you want me to ride you!”

“I’m gonna kick you if you keep up.”

“Fine, fine. You’re no fun sometimes.”

She rolled her eyes and kneeled. “Just get on. And watch the wings.”

“You’re lucky I’m so short,” I said as I carefully sat on her back.

“Short compared to who? You’re taller than all the ponies I’ve ever seen, aside from Celestia.”

“Short compared to most other humans. Good thing I’m wearing armor. This would be a lot more uncomfortable otherwise…”

“Stop complaining,” she said, spreading her wings. “And we’re never going to mention this again.”

“Why do so many ponies dislike the idea of being ridden? Hell, Celestia loves it.”

“I do not need to hear about your illicit relations with the princess.”

“I don’t mean sex, though she likes that too. I meant actually riding her, like this. She loves that shit.”

“I don’t need or want to hear about that, either. It’s demeaning and I don’t like it. Now where’s your room?”

I shrugged and started directing her to it. With as many times as I ended up flying there, I made sure to keep the window either unlocked or open every time I left. Since she was very obviously not interested in talking or me being on her, I decided to hold my tongue once she got headed in the right direction. Soon enough, we were both in my room.

“Thanks for the ride,” I sighed, practically falling into the bed.

“Given it’s my fault you’re like this, it’s only fair I help. Expect a blinding headache tomorrow. I’ll have someone come by with food and more water. That’ll help abate it.”

“Works for me. Sorry about—”

“You paint?” she suddenly asked, seeing some of the art supplies I still had lying around.

“Sort of. It’s more that I copy pictures from my world. I’ve been working on books for a few years now. You remember the Art of War?”

“I do. And The Prince. I knew you wrote, but I didn’t know you painted. Have you completed anything?”

“Yeah. Donated it to the museum here in town. One of my friends volunteered to sell them for me today, so I might start getting money for them instead.”

“...Don’t you already have enough money? Why not keep donating them?”

“Do you know what a charity is?”

“A kindness done by one person to another.”

I slowly nodded. “In my world, we have organizations called charities that donate money and services to those in need. They could be hurt, homeless, suffering from any kind of catastrophe, or anything like that. The charity collects money and doles it out to those that need it. I was thinking about founding one here, if I could get the money together for it.”

“That is… a nice thought, but shouldn’t the communities take care of their own?”

“They should, but that isn’t always possible. Look at my crew. Each of them was horribly displaced from their community. If I hadn’t helped them keep their boat, they would have had to provide for themselves and their children while dealing with the trauma of being slaves for so long. They’d have nothing and have to start from nothing. Instead, with some charity, they managed to get an airship and start a business.”

“Isn’t that a rare case, though?”

“Rare or not, isn’t it the responsibility of those that have to give to those that don’t?”

“...Maybe. Good luck convincing those nobles. I have to get back to my duty.”

She started walking to the window again, but I hastily said, “Why were you asking about painting, anyway?”

“You just don’t strike me as an artist,” she said with a shrug. “I’ll be sure to send someone by with food. Hopefully it’ll be someone you won’t flirt with.”

“Make it a beautiful mare. No way I’d ever flirt with one of those.” She just rolled her eyes and jumped out the window. “So what kind of painting do you think she’d like?” I asked Flo as I started removing armor.

“I think she might be fairly upset if you gave her a painting.”

“Yeah, but you know she wanted one. It was kinda obvious. After how pissed she was after… that, I suppose it’s the least we can do.”

“That was your fault, not mine.”

“Hey, you let me do it. I don’t see what’s so wrong about a quick painting. You know she has a cute smile.”

“And you know she doesn’t want to sleep with you.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t do something nice. She has very few friends and I don’t think any of them know about her condition.”

“Ugh, fine. But I get to pick what I paint.”

“Alright. You know chicks better than I do. Just nothing that might piss her off, please.”

“Of course. She already almost killed you once. No reason to let it happen again. Either way, it’ll have to wait until after you get better. Once you eat, I’ll probably put your body to sleep so it can heal.”

“Works for me.”

Before I could annoy her even more, Cadance appeared in the middle of my room with a loud pop. A large pitcher of water and some plates full of food appeared with her, held up by her blue aura. “A guard asked me to stop by,” she said with a bright grin. “She said you were feeling under the weather.”

“Yeah, it was kinda sudden. I don’t know why she’d ask you to do it, though.”

Her smile deepened. “She said you wanted a beautiful mare you wouldn’t flirt with.”

“Well, she got half of them right,” I said with a shrug.

“Do you want this water in you or on you?”

“In, preferably. If you want to throw it on me, let me get a t-shirt first.”

“Just for that, I’m going to feed you.”

“Ugh. What is it with women and punishing me by feeding me?”

She used magic to gently push me back on the bed and walk over. “You’re just so fun to tease,” she said before bringing some food down for me. “Now open wide for the train!”

What did I ever do to deserve this?

Chapter One Hundred and Nineteen—Too Many Pinkies

Chapter One Hundred and Nineteen—Too Many Pinkies

Of course, my first thought was that we found another crazy changeling hiding in the Everfree. My hand immediately went down to my dagger and I stepped forward. “Pinkie, step away from the changeling.”

“That’s not a changeling, silly!” one of the Pinkies said, giggling. “That’s me!”

“...Alright, how is that you?” I asked. The other Pinkie was looking at me strangely, as though she had never seen me before. Which might have technically been true.

“This is the mirror pool! It can make copies of anypony. Oh, I bet it can copy you, too!”

“First, that’s retarded. Second, cloning me would probably be the worst possible thing that could happen to this world. Third, why the hell did you think it would be a good idea to clone yourself?”

“Because when I have to leave again, she’ll be able to do everything in Ponyville that I couldn’t! And then Aerie can tell me all about it once she puts herself into Pinkie 2.0!”

“That is literally the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I give it less than six hours for everything to go to shit. It’ll be fun.”

The other Pinkie flinched and her body jerked. “Fun?” she asked, her eyes going wide.

“...Pinkie, how much does this thing know?” The other Pinkie started hopping around the place, just chanting ‘fun’ over and over.

“I dunno,” Pinkie Prime said, shrugging. “Anyway, can we keep her?”

Oh yeah, now you ask me. “Sure, why not.” At least until Twilight can tell us how to get rid of it. I reached to the back of my head and pulled out the blue scrunchy holding my hair in a ponytail. “Just put this around your tail so I can tell you’re the original.”

When the real Pinkie grabbed it, the other stopped jumping around and landed in front of me, looking up to my face. “Are you fun?” she sweetly asked.

“Only if you know what sex is. Do you know my name?”

She shook her head. Then her eyes went wide. “New friend time! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”

“Navarone. Pinkie Prime, are we heading back to town soon? I’m getting a bad vibe from this place.”

“No no, not prime,” the fake abomination said. “It’s Pinkie Pie! You know, the food! Also, what’s sex?”

The real Pinkie just giggled. “Don’t worry about it, silly,” she said, wrapping a leg around her doppelganger’s neck. “Now let’s go back to town. We have a long day ahead of us!”

“A long day of fun?”

“Yep! Come on, Navi. Let’s get going.”

“Oooh, Navi! I like that name!” the fake one said. “Come on, Navi!”

“Don’t call me that,” I sighed, knowing it wouldn’t do any good.

“What was that, Navi?” she asked, her ears flopping around as she struggled to hear whatever I might say.

“I said not to call me that.”

“Nope! Navi it is, Navi! It’s too cute not to use!”

I wish I could hate you to death. Either way, I fell into silence, cursing myself for having the ill fortune of not being a stillbirth. As we exited the cave, the real Pinkie started briefing the fake Pinkie on all her friends and responsibilities. The fake Pinkie seemed very excited about most of what she was being told, but didn’t seem too happy to have an air elemental all up in her shit. Given that Aerie was apparently not around at the moment, she was saved from having that thrust upon her.

The real Pinkie stopped on the outskirts of town. Of course, we stopped with her, but I only did because both Pinkies grabbed me before I could walk too far away. “Want to do something fun, Nav?” the real Pinkie asked. At that point, I only knew it was her because of the scrunchy around her tail.

“Can’t,” I said. “Taya will be waking up soon and she’s in a new place. I don’t want her to panic or something, so I want to be there when she does.” That was mostly a lie. I really doubt she’d panic, but I also really wanted to get away from Pinkie.

Of course, she also knew I was lying, but she couldn’t really call me on it. Fatherly duties and worries trump all, thankfully. “Then who else is supposed to show Pinkie Po around town?” she whined. “If I do it, everypony will think she’s a changeling and then she can’t have any fun!”

“She could pretend to be Doppel,” I said with a shrug. “I bet all the stallions would love her, then.”

“Bad Navi!” the real Pinkie said, gently swatting me with a hoof. “Pinkie Po is too innocent!”

“What would all the stallions love?” the fake one asked. I guess we were calling her Po now, or something. Pinkie’s gonna Pinkie.

Sadly, the real Pinkie gave me a look that promised retribution if I started corrupting her clone, so I kept my mouth shut. She just said, “Don’t you worry your beautiful little head about it. But we have to say goodbye to Navi now.”

“Aww, do we have to? Can’t we just go with her?”

“You could try Bon-Bon,” I said, prying the fake Pinkie away from my leg. “She’d know immediately that this isn’t a changeling, and can at least point you in the right direction. Or you could just send her in and let her figure everything out on her own. It would be fun!”

“I like fun!” the fake Pinkie immediately said, looking toward the real one with hope in her eyes.

“Then fun it is!” the real one shouted. “Have at it, Pinkie Po!” She waved a hoof into town and the other one immediately started bouncing that way, a playful gleam in her eyes.

I spread my wings and jumped into the air immediately, because I knew Pinkie would probably want to talk to me about something. Sure enough, as soon as I got up, she lunged toward where I had been standing, trying to hug me or something. By that point, it was too late and I was already flying toward Vinyl’s pad, pretending I didn’t hear her calling me.

As I flew over town, I noticed the fake Pinkie already talking to other ponies. That wasn’t my problem and I knew it would make all kinds of trouble later, so I just ignored her and flew right to Vinyl’s house. Since everyone was so trusting in most pony areas, her door was unlocked, so I just let myself in and went up to where Taya was just getting out of bed.

“Good timing,” I said, letting myself in. At that point, I really needed a shower, since bleeding from your vag is very unsanitary.

“So… what did you do all night?” Taya asked as I walked to where I left my clothes.

“Painted some down in the foyer. Then I spent some time wandering around since my hands were getting cramped. Found Pinkie and let her do something really stupid. I hope you feel like spending the day either indoors or in Whitetail Woods.”

“...What did she do?”

“Made a magic clone of herself. Now there are two Pinkies out and about, and I’d much rather stay away from the area until Twilight does magic on the fake one to make it disappear.”

“What makes you think Twilight would do anything?”

“This is Twilight we’re talking about. She’s pretty much the embodiment of anti-fun.”

“What about that time—”

“Embodiment, I say! Now, I’m going to go take a shower, and then we can see what Vinyl has in her house that’ll work for breakfast. Well, you can take a shower while I see what she has.”

“I took one last night.”

“Well fine, then. You can go see what she has for breakfast. Either way, I’m taking a shower. See you in a few.” Thankfully, she stopped contradicting me and let me shower in peace. When I got out and went to the kitchen, though, she was just sitting at the table, not making any attempts to cook or eat anything. “So… not hungry?”

“There’s no breakfast food here,” she said with a shrug.

“Anything’s a breakfast food if you’re in the right mood,” I replied, going to the fridge. When I popped it open, I saw plenty of stuff just sitting there. “All kinds of leftovers in here, Taya. Mind, I wouldn’t trust anything except for the stuff we made last night, but there’s plenty of that, too. You just need a better imagination.”

“What’s wrong with having a bad imagination?”

“You wouldn’t be about to eat if I didn’t have one. So there’s that.” I started heating the stuff up, because no one likes refrigerated food that isn’t pizza. While it heated, I sat at the table as well. “So, any thoughts on what you want to do today?”

“You’re the one that wanted to come to Ponyville, daddy.”

“And you’re the one that agreed to go with me. If you don’t think of anything, we’ll just go running. You’re looking a little pudgy there, dear.”

“I am not!”

I reached in and pinched at her belly, grabbing some skin. “See this? This is pudge. And your stamina is awful.” I let her cute pudge go and sat back. “Going jogging sounds like a good idea.”

“...It doesn’t sound very fun.”

“God no. Exercise isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be miserable. After all, pain is weakness leaving the body.”

“You’re not making it sound any better, daddy.”

“I wasn’t trying to. But the things you need to do often aren’t the things you want to do, and like it or not, you need to exercise. All the magic in the world won’t do you any good if someone manages to get too close. Being able to run away is important.”

“Or I could just teleport away.”

Or you could stop being a recalcitrant little bitch and just do what I say. “Too bad. We’re going running after we eat. You know you need exercise when you can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch your breath.”

“There were hundreds of stairs! It took us five minutes to get to the top!”

“That’s beside the point. You ain’t gonna finagle your way outta this one, Taya.” She looked away quite sullenly, crossing her forehooves. It was convenient that she decided to see things my way at that point, since the food finished warming up. I put it and some plates on the table and said, “Eat lightly. You don’t want to exercise after eating too much.”

“So if I eat enough, I don’t have to exercise?”

“No, it just means we’ll walk around Whitetail Woods for an hour before we start. We can’t do too much with you anyway, since you’re new to this and I don’t know what a good regimen is for an adorable filly—” to which she rolled her eyes, of course, “—so it’ll just be a way of finding your limits and learning what we need to work on. It’ll be good for you. Put hair on your chest.”

“My chest is already covered in hair, daddy.”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“Your chest doesn’t have hair on it.”

“That’s because I’ve been wounded so badly that hair doesn’t grow anywhere on my body except for my head, because that’s where the princesses spent the most effort reconstructing. And also because I’m a chick. And once again, because it’s a figure of speech. Now, are you gonna eat, or do you want to start the day hungry?”

She sighed and started eating, but almost immediately stopped. “You need to eat, too.”

“I don’t need to.”

“And I don’t need exercise. I’ll start running if you start eating normally.”

“Oh come on. Eating takes so much time.”

“You can drag me outside and into the woods if you want, but I’m not running unless you start eating.”

“If I start eating, that means you’ll have less to eat.”

“Good. You said I was getting pudgy and that I had to eat lightly. So get a plate, daddy.”

Ugh. Fucking teenagers, man. Flo, advice?

“My advice is to get a plate. She’s right, you do need to start eating. Especially since you still aren’t fully recovered from losing all that blood. It wasn’t just a little you lost, Nav. That much would probably put a normal human down for several days.”

“You are far too bossy for a daughter,” I sighed, getting up to get a plate. Taya just smiled viciously as she started eating again.

The walk/run through the woods went about as well as expected, with me learning quickly that Taya is not at all good at physical stuff. She spent far too much time lounging around with magic books and not enough time doing things that aren’t lounging around with magic books.

We were only out of town for around three or four hours. Most of that time was just spent roaming the woods normally, since Taya didn’t have the endurance to do anything else. So we got back to town around lunch time. It was also around the time that it was getting destroyed by a massive horde of Pinkies.

Of course, we didn’t realize there were a ton of Pinkies until we actually got to the market and saw about ten of them jumping from place to place, chanting “Fun” over and over. I think both of our mouths dropped.

It took me several seconds to say what we were both thinking: “What the fu—”

“NAV!” I stopped what I was saying and looked up to find Rainbow Dash floating right above me. “What do we do?!”

“Why the hell are you asking me?”

“Twilight’s not here and you always know what to do! There are way too many Pinkies for anypony else to deal with.”

“Then quarantine the fuckers. Who else is here?”

“Everypony but the real Pinkie and Twilight. We’re all in town.”

“Get them all together, find the biggest building in the town, and start stuffing it with Pinkies. Keep Rarity and Fluttershy on the doors to make sure none get out. Taya, you help Dash. I’m gonna go find the original.”

“How could you find the original in all this mess?” Dash demanded, finally landing.

“I have my ways. And you have your job. Now hurry up before they actually break something important.”

“Ugh, fine! But you better hurry!” She shot off in some random direction.

“Taya, follow her. No time for debate.”

“Hey, I’m not gonna say no to getting to magic a bunch of Pinkies.” She started trotting after Dash, a slightly disturbing smile on her face. That wasn’t any of my business, though, so I started looking for pink with a dash of blue.

As I walked, I surveyed the damage the Pinkies had done to the place. Most of it was superficial, thankfully, and nothing the town hadn’t suffered through before thanks to Pinkie or her friends. There were several bands of roaming Pinkies, each chanting fun and accosting any of the ponies or me that they saw. I got around them by ignoring them. Most of the ponies got around them by panicking and running away.

Finally, I found the original sitting by herself in a cafe, looking positively miserable. I joined her and spared a glance for the menu, then figured it was unlikely that a waiter would be coming by anyway.

“So how ‘bout that weather?” I asked, leaning forward in my seat. She just sighed, her head flopping down to the table. “The forecast says we’re gonna be seeing a metric fuckton of Pinkies. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“I dunno,” she grunted.

“It certainly seems like you would, Pinkie. You’re the only one that knew where that weird clone lake thing was.”

“Aren’t the others all me, too?” she asked, her eyes barely flicking toward me before seeming to give up. “I bet they know…”

“I kinda doubt it. They seem legally retarded, whereas you’re only the fake retarded.”

“Well I don’t!” she snapped. “How can I know I’m me and they’re not, huh?!”

“Because you’re wearing the blue scrunchy that I gave you this morning.”

“Coincidence! Any of the others could have put that on.”

I hopped up and walked around behind her, grabbing her tail’s dock. “This one still has a green hair stuck in it. Green like my hair. You know, where this came from. Come on, Pinkie. You’re the real one. This isn’t that hard.”

“That could just be coincidence, too!”

“God dammit, Pinkie, you’re starting to piss me off.”

She suddenly looked really serious and said, “You shouldn’t say that.”

“What? Dammit? I cuss all the time. Get over it.”

“No, God. He’s a meanie-head and you had to suffer because of it.”

“...You’re the real Pinkie, Pinkie. None of the others would know that.” She blinked a few times before realization clicked in her eyes and she jumped up to snatch me in a hug.

“You’re right! I am the real Pinkie!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Now, we need to go.”

“Not until you hug me back!”

I rolled my eyes and hugged her back, secretly delighting in the way her squishy body molded against mine as I hugged her. Not that I would ever tell her that, of course. Hugging mares just feels good, is all.

Anyway, when I let her go, she finally backed away, smiling from ear to ear. “Dash and the others are quarantining the fake Pinkies. How do we get rid of them?”

“I dunno.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?! You’re the one that knew about the clone pool!”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t know how to get rid of them! Ask Twilight. She’s the magic one, silly!”

God dammit, Pinkie. “Christ. She’s not even in town yet and there’s no telling when she’ll get here. We need to make sure we have all the fake ones locked up and then find a way to keep them there until Twilight can get here.”

“Who’s Christ?”

“I’ll tell you later. Let’s go.” I started walking toward where I was hoping Dash and the others would be locking the fake Pinkies. Given that I didn’t see any of them as we walked, I assumed they were doing their job well.

“So how are we gonna keep them there?” Pinkie asked as she skipped next to me.

“I have something in mind,” I said, trying not to smile. Flo, of course, face palmed, but didn’t even waste the time to convince me that it was a bad idea.

“What do you have in mind?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh, you’ll see. You’ll see…”

“Oooorrrr… you could tell me!”

“Nah. So, how the hell did one turn into a hundred?”

“One wasn’t enough, silly! So I went back and made two more, and then they made four more, and then it sorta got outta hoof. Aerie thinks it’s funny, though!”

“Wait, why didn’t Aerie just tell you that you’re the real you?”

“She doesn’t talk much. She just sometimes tells me to do something that’s fun.”

“Here’s a tip in the future: If Aerie tells you to do something, you probably shouldn’t do it.”

“She’s telling me to not listen to you.”

“See there? You probably shouldn’t not listen to me.”

“I… should not not listen to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay!” She continued bouncing next to me in silence for a few seconds before stopping. “Wait, what?”

“Don’t worry about it. We’re there.” Or at least, we were in front of the building that Applejack was tossing a Pinkie into while Rarity and Fluttershy stood next to the outer doors. “Get them all?” I asked.

“Well, we missed that one,” Applejack said, nodding to the one next to me. “I’ll fix that right up.”

“This is the real one,” I said, putting a hand on Pinkie’s back.

“How can you tell?” Rarity asked. “And when did you even get in town?”

“Last night. I can tell because of this.” I reached back to her tail and lifted it up, showing off the scrunchy.

“While I can’t deny that’s an adorable fashion accessory, it hardly means anything,” Rarity said, waving a hoof.

“I put it on her this morning right after she made the first clone,” I said, dropping Pinkie’s tail.

“She made these?” Applejack asked.

“Sure did!” Pinkie happily said as she practically bounced in place. “Aerie said it would be fun and Nav didn’t tell me not to!”

“Now that ain’t quite true,” I broke in, holding up a hand. “I didn’t know you were going to make clones. And I told you upfront that I knew it would end in disaster in about six hours. Coincidentally, that was about six hours ago. But hell, I didn’t know how to get rid of the damn thing and I figured killing it would be bad form. But anyway, that’s beside the point. We got to deal with this. Where’s Dash and Taya?”

“Looking for any more,” Applejack said. “But no, that ain’t beside the point. Pinkie, you said Aerie told you to do this?”

“No! Well, mostly no. She just said it would be funny.”

“...Y’all ever consider… I dunno, not listening to her?”

“Hey, Nav said the same thing! Why wouldn’t I listen to her?”

Applejack slowly looked around the area we were in, which had all kinds of minor damage from the storm of Pinkies. “Does the phrase ‘property damage’ mean anythin’ to you? Those Pinkies destroyed all kinds of stuff at my farm!”

“Applejack, please,” Rarity said, stepping in and putting a hoof on her shoulder. “We can assess proper blame after the Pinkies have been dealt with. Until then, we need a way to keep them occupied until we can deal with them.”

“Unless you guys have changed your position about wholesale slaughter, which you probably haven’t, we’ll have to get Twilight or Celestia to deal with these things,” I said.

“How’re we supposed to do that?” Applejack asked. “Did Spike come back with you?”

“Nope. Fluttershy, I hope you can fly fast. Get to Canterlot, track down Celestia, and tell her what happened.”

“M-me?” she squeaked. “Rainbow Dash can fly much faster!”

“Yeah, but I’m going to need her. My record from here to Canterlot is twenty minutes. Beat that and I’ll give you a very warm hug when you get back.” Her wings shot out, ready to fly. “That’s the spirit. Get going.”

She gulped and started flying off toward the city in the mountain. Strangely, her wings seemed somewhat stiff, but I didn’t stop to look for long because Dash and my daughter got back, with a single giggling Pinkie held in Taya’s magic grip. Rarity pulled the door open and Taya tossed the doppelganger inside.

“Where’s Fluttershy going?” Dash asked, watching her fly off.

“Canterlot,” I said.

“Why’s she going? I could get there and back in a snap!”

“Because I need you,” I said. “We gotta distract these things somehow. Pinkie, Rarity, go look for more Pinkies. Applejack and Taya, secure the doors and other exits. Make sure nothing that isn’t us gets out.”

“Can’t I help you?” Taya asked.

“Nope. Me and Dash got this one covered,” I said, tousling Dash’s hair. She smacked me with a wing and then tossed her hair back into its disorderly place. Taya sighed and kicked idly at the ground.

“So what are y’all gonna do?” Applejack asked.

“You don’t want to know,” I said, walking up to the door. She rolled her eyes and Rainbow Dash and I let ourselves into the belly of the beast.

As soon as we stepped inside, several dozen sets of baby blue eyes focused quite intently on the two of us. Dash’s ears drooped slightly, but I just smiled and started walking through the center of the group. Each Pinkie that was in my way moved aside as I strode to the stage of Ponyville’s gathering hall. Dash, of course, followed me. It was… eerily silent.

Soon enough, the two of us stood in front of the horde of Pinkies. “Celestia, that’s creepy,” Dash muttered, watching the Pinkies watch us.

“Pinkie Po, would you kindly come forward?” I asked, trying to put on a kindly smile. The named Pinkie bounced forward until she was standing on the stage in front of us. “Thank you, dear,” I said, rubbing her hair.

“Are we gonna have fun, Navi?” she asked, looking up at me hopefully.

At the mention of fun, a gentle murmuring began in the crowd, each of the Pinkies wanting to get in on the fun action. “We sure are,” I said. “Dash, turn around.”

“...Nav, what are you doing?” she asked, not moving.

“I’m going to teach the Pinkies about the joy of orgies.”

“Nav, you’ve had some bad ideas in the past. Teaching Scootaloo about convection. Tying twenty balloons to Fluttershy’s tail that time we went camping. Hay, even hitting Twilight with a spoon for twenty hours straight wasn’t very smart. But this… this is the BEST IDEA EVER!”

“Good. Now turn around.” She smiled widely and did so. I lifted her tail out of the way. “Pinkies, take note. This is a vagina.” They all ooh’d at that. Pinkie Po reached a hoof up to carefully poke it, but I grabbed it. “Just a moment, dear.” She sighed and lowered her hoof. “You all have one of these. You also all have a mouth with a tongue. If you apply your tongue to another Pinkie’s vagina, you will have a lot of fun.” They all gasped and immediately started moving, but I quickly held up a hand. “Just a moment, please!” They all stopped. “Pinkie Po, would you kindly apply your tongue to Dash?”

She leaned in, but then stopped and looked at me. “Navi, do you have a vagina?”

“No. Now, would you kindly?” She shrugged and bent her head back in. “Other Pinkies, you may now begin.” The pandemonium immediately started, of course. I dropped Dash’s tail and walked up so I could look her in the eyes. “I’ll be outside if you need me,” I said.

“W-wait, y-you’re just gonna l-l-leave me?!”

“Yeah. Have fun.” She instantly got an angry look on her face and she opened her mouth to rebuke me, but only a moan came out. Given that, I spread my wings and took off, flying toward the door. When I got to it, I took one last look around the room, taking a deep breath. “I love the smell of orgies in the morning.” That important line said, I stepped outside, slamming the door shut before Taya could poke her head inside. “Bar the door, please. Nothing in, nothing out.”

Taya sighed and her horn lit up, coating the door in a thin orange aura. “So what did you do?” Applejack asked. “And where’s Rainbow Dash?”

“Remember your past misconceptions about my personal life?” I asked. She blinked a few times before very slowly face hoofing. “Dash is acting as the catalyst, you could say. But long story short, you uh… you probably don’t want to go in there.”

“...Daddy, what did you do?” Taya sighed.

“Something naughty, dear,” I said. “Now, what kind of damage did these things do?” I asked Applejack.

“You are some kinda awful, I swear,” she sighed, shaking her head. “But I should be used to that by now, I reckon. They tore up all kinds-a stuff on the farm and from the looks of things, they broke a lot of stuff here, too. I don’t reckon you’d know who’s gonna pay for all that, do you?”

“Nope. Does this constitute a natural disaster?”

“I don’t think any part of Pinkie is ‘natural’. And I sure don’t think this was entirely her fault, neither.”

“Hey, don’t think I had anything to do with this,” I quickly said, holding up my hands.

“I ain’t so quick to point hooves as that, at least not at you. Now, we all know Pinkie ain’t exactly the shiniest apple on the tree, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say she’s smart enough ta know an army of Pinkies is a bad idea. So what’s that air thing in her head doing up there, is my question.”

“Me?” a voice innocently whispered between us, making all three of us jump. As Aerie continued speaking, she gathered a few leaves and some dirt to give her more of a body. “I didn’t do anything, laborer. Where are my dear sweet Pinkies, anyway? I would quite like to… see them.”

“You aren’t putting yourself into them,” I said, crossing my arms. “We’re going to find some way to get rid of them, and I’m not quite certain that would be good for you.”

“Oh, I hardly feel the need to take any of them as hosts. I just want to see what kind of trouble they’re up to.” She giggled at that point, then continued, “But I was only asking in an attempt to be polite. I already know where they are. If you’ll excuse me…” The air holding the dirt and leaves dissipated, leaving them to fall on down.

Applejack, though, wasn’t quite satisfied. “No, you ain’t excused! Get back here!” There was no answer from the wayward elemental. “Ah’m startin’ ta seriously dislike that thing,” she muttered darkly, glaring at the doors leading to the Pinkies.

“I’m starting to dislike all these damn elementals,” I sighed, massaging my temple. “But look, Taya and I have this covered. If you need to go back home and start picking up the pieces, I understand.”

“I should, but I ain’t goin’ nowhere until I’m sure Pinkie’s alright.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s alright, but fair enough.” I walked back to the door and leaned against it, crossing my arms again.

“So what brings y’all back to town, anyway?” Applejack asked, probably just trying to pass the time.

“Got chased out of Canterlot by a high class bitch,” I replied with a shrug. “I was going to come back anyway to see some friends, so I figured I could come back ahead of schedule.”

“Sure ain’t like you to run away from a fight.”

“Not anymore, it isn’t. I’m not a knight anymore, so I can’t threaten to arrest reporters if they hound me. I also can’t threaten them with bodily harm without getting in trouble. Those are the tools she’s fighting with, so there’s not much I can do but run. I’ll be heading back soon enough, though.”

“Didn’t figure there was much in a small town like this to keep you anymore.”

“The peace and quiet is nice, and so are the people here. But the peace and quiet also gets really dull at times. Or at least, it does for me.”

“I’d prefer dull and boring ta busy and excitin’. I’d much rather stay here and let you and your airship go on your merry way, without any o’ my friends.”

“You’re welcome to take that up with Celestia. God knows I don’t want most of you there, either. I’m sure if you annoy her enough, she’ll let you stay here.”

“Ya know I can’t do that, Nav. Duty’s a heavy, heavy thing. I’ll talk to her about it, but… I can’t ask her to let us stay.”

Yeah, you can’t, but what about the others? “Your choice,” I said with a weary shrug.

Taya finally spoke up, the first time she had bothered since we started. “You’ll have your chance soon,” she said, looking up.

When we met her gaze, we saw Celestia’s chariot coming in very quickly. “Well, looks like I owe Fluttershy a hug.”

“You really shouldn’t tease her, Nav,” Applejack absentmindedly said as we watched the chariot approach. “Everypony knows you and the princess have a… thing. Fluttershy just… I dunno. Though she’s hardly the only one…”

“Is it really well-known that Celestia and I have a thing?”

“...Is that all you got outta what I just said?”

Before I could reply, the chariot of the sun landed right next to us, the guards pulling it quickly skidding to a stop. Celestia quite regally stepped down from it, walking to us without even thanking the guards. “Hello Navarone, Applejack, and Taya,” she very neutrally said. “I heard there was a… disturbance.”

“I reckon that’s a word for it,” Applejack said, scratching idly at her head, making her hat tip.

“I think it’s more like a ruckus, honestly,” I said, shrugging.

“Closer to a fracas,” Applejack replied, “but that’s just me.”

“So there is a problem,” Celestia said. “I heard it involved Pinkie.”

“It involved a lot more than one Pinkie,” I said, gently rapping on the door behind me with my knuckles. “I don’t reckon you knew there was a cloning pool in the Everfree?”

Celestia very slowly started to face hoof, and then I realized her hoof was going higher. She carefully removed the crown from her head and then threw it as hard as she could at the nearest building. “Well then, let’s get started,” she sighed. “I trust you know where the original is?”

“Uh… Princess? Your… crown?” Applejack said before I could reply.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nav, the original?”

“Yeah, she’s with Rarity, looking for any Pinkies Rainbow Dash missed.”

“And you’re positive it’s the original? Absolutely positive?”

“Oh yeah, it’s her. The others are fucking retarded. Pinkie’s only normally retarded.”

“Excellent. What about Rainbow Dash? I trust there was a reason you sent Fluttershy?”

“Distracting the Pinkies,” I said, tapping the door again.

“Then shall we see to it?” she asked, taking a step toward me.

“Ah…” I jerked my hand back and forth in front of my neck, a gesture she probably had no idea about. “Taya, Applejack, you want to go look for Rarity and Pinkie? Or look for more Pinkies? I think we got this.”

“I’m good,” Taya said, not moving.

“Yours wasn’t a request,” I said. “Go look for Pinkie and Rarity.”

Her eyes narrowed, but she sighed. Applejack just shrugged and said, “Come on, Taya. I bet I know where they went.” With that, Applejack started walking away. After a few seconds, Taya joined her.

When she left, the spell on the door dissipated. After they were far enough away, Celestia quietly asked, “So why are you sending Taya away?” Celestia asked.

“First, because the distraction method I chose was an orgy. Second, because I want answers. You know about the pool.”

“I have had to do many things I was not proud of in order to protect Equestria in the past. You know that our capital used to be in the Everfree. There were several… facilities there that had all manner of uses. Most were lost or destroyed. This is one that was lost, but thought destroyed.”

“That’s about what I expected. Is it magic or natural?”

“The clones are magical in nature. But enough. I must deal with them before the others return.” Her horn lit up and lifted me out of the way. With that, she pushed the doors open and stepped into a room that smelled of musk, sweat, and sex. Thankfully, she cast a muffling spell as soon as the doors opened, so the moans didn’t leave the building. I could hear them when I followed behind her, though.

Rainbow Dash was surrounded by five Pinkies, all trying to get at her. Given how she tasted, I could understand that. And of course, all the other Pinkies were too busy to notice us, for better or worse.

“If you want to join them, I wouldn’t tell anyone,” I said, crossing my arms. “You’re already half naked, for you.”

“I was thinking the same of you,” she said, not even looking at me. “I’m surprised you didn’t.”

“Still on my period. I don’t want to make the last thing any of them taste be blood.”

“How noble of you.” Her horn lit up much brighter and Rainbow Dash disappeared with the cracking sound of teleportation. “And now she’s home. Close the doors. I suggest being on the other side when you do.” I stepped back and kicked the doors shut, staying inside. She slowly turned her head toward me. “Are you sure?”

“I would be no less or more guilty if I waited outside. Make it quick.”

“They’ll feel nothing,” she said, turning her head back toward the writhing mass of Pinkies. After a few moments, her horn lit up very brightly and they just started… disappearing. When the tenth or so had vanished, I stepped next to Celestia and gently hugged her as tears started quietly leaking down her face.

Finally, the last one was gone. Celestia seemed to lose all strength in her legs and she just sagged to the ground, dragging me with her. At that point, she lost all manner of decorum and just started bawling. Given that she had murdered several dozen completely innocent people, I could understand that. And of course, I was perfectly happy to comfort her, so I just quietly hummed and slowly rocked back and forth with her.

After several minutes, her tears stopped, though she was still very sniffly. Before she could say anything, I said, “They went out the way I would want to. And they lived a very happy life. I wouldn’t want anything more.”

“I… wouldn’t want it to happen at all. I didn’t want it to happen at all. Why, Nav? Why…?”

“She wanted there to be a Pinkie in Ponyville while she was on the airship. Aerie would report back on all the fun stuff the fake Pinkie was doing.”

Celestia’s horn lit up again and pushed me back, then she curled up into a ball, shaking. Flo didn’t even have to tell me that I just made Celestia realize that was her fault. That didn’t stop me from immediately cuddling up against her anyway, though, braving the marecum-covered floors to big spoon her.

“I don’t know what happened after she made the first one,” I continued, “but she went back and made another one, which apparently made even more.”

“I’m a monster,” she whispered.

“It was you or me,” I whispered back, hugging her tighter. “One way or another, it was our burden. It was what had to be done. Yes, that makes us monsters. That doesn’t make it wrong.”

“But it was wrong.”

“What other option was there? Tartarus, where they’d be killed by someone else? Mind wipe and reintegration, which is worse than murder? Giving them to Chrysalis, a fate worse than death? It was you or me, Celestia. One way or another, they would have died in this room.”

“If I didn’t make Twilight and her friends go with you—”

“Pinkie knew about the pool anyway. How much longer do you think it would have taken for her to go to it even if she had stayed here? You don’t know her as well as I do, so I’ll tell you right now that it would be less than a year. One way or another, she would have gone.”

“I… I… can’t do this. This… this is what Luna did. This was her job… Clean up messes. Clean up inconsistencies… Deal with problems.”

“Do you know how Luna felt, following your orders to deal with problems like this?” She didn’t reply. “The first time you told her to kill, she cried for days, with no one to comfort her. It couldn’t be you, because you were counting on her. It couldn’t be her subjects, because she was the one you wanted feared. Luna wasn’t naturally a sociopath, Celestia. She became one. Remember how you feel right now the next time you think about telling her to do something.”

Her horn faintly lit up again and something tugged free from my waist. Before I could check, she lifted the knife up to her throat. I just barely grabbed it before she could do anything, though I wasn’t wearing the ring and couldn’t stop her. “Let it go,” she whispered, her head slumped to the floor.

I tossed it aside and pushed myself up so I was straddling her. “I will never let go,” I said, putting one hand on her cheek. She just barely shifted her head when she felt my touch, which gave me enough room to sneak my other hand to her other cheek. She blinked as I carefully lifted her face up so she could look at me with both eyes. “I won’t let you leave me.”

We stared at each other for what felt like half a minute before she pushed her head up and kissed me.

When we got back outside, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, Taya, and the four chariot guards were standing in front of the building, waiting. Applejack was holding the crown, which Celestia took with magic. “Silly me, dropping something so important,” Celestia said with a small chuckle.

“You didn’t—” Applejack started to say, but I cut her off.

“So where’s Fluttershy, anyway?” I asked.

“She was quite tired from getting there so quickly, so I left her with Twilight,” Celestia said. “They’ll be coming back to Ponyville shortly. Thank you, Applejack, Taya, and Rarity, for helping stop this crisis. Be sure to pass my thanks on to Rainbow Dash as well, after she… recovers.”

“Recovers from what?” Rarity asked. “Did the Pinkies make her sick?”

“Extreme sexual exhaustion,” I said, smirking. Rarity facehooved and Taya rolled her eyes. Pinkie, of course, was looking more and more depressed by the second, but was currently actually staying silent.

“I hate to ask for more help after how much you’ve done, but would you three help fix up any damages in town? The crown would, of course, reimburse your efforts.”

“We’d be happy ta help, Princess,” Applejack said. “Won’t need no money for it, neither. Ponyville looks after its own. But why just us three?”

“Pinkie is free to join you, of course,” Celestia said. “However, Nav and I have unfinished business. Guards, hook yourselves back up. We have a small trip to make.” They all saluted and started trotting to the royal chariot.

Applejack was not so easily assuaged, however. “What do y’all need to do?” she asked.

“We must make sure this incident does not repeat itself,” Celestia solemnly said. “While I very highly doubt the perpetrator would be the same, I would not want just anypony to have access to the artifact that caused this.”

With that last statement, Pinkie finally burst into tears, wailing about being sorry or whatever. Celestia, of course, went to her side immediately. I stopped caring before she made it and walked to Taya instead, who has been eying me up since Celestia asked her to help with the town.

“I want to go with you,” she predictably said.

“Your magic’s going to be a lot more useful here than it will be where we’re going,” I said. “Stay here. Help Applejack with what she needs. We should be back in an hour or two, if all goes well.”

“Ugh, why can’t I ever go with you when you do fun things?”

“In this case, because you’re actually needed here. We’re going into the Everfree, and if anything tries messing with us there, Celestia will straight up atomize it. They’ll need your magic here. We won’t.” And if it means I don’t have to worry about you in the forest, even better.

Her eyes narrowed and her horn lit up. A second later, something forced me to bend down, then she jumped up and hugged me. Of course, I hugged her back, which thankfully made her magic dissipate. After nearly half a minute, she let go and pushed me back with magic. Before I could say anything, she walked away to stand next to Applejack.

I wanted to comment on that, but Celestia said, “Ready, Nav?”

“...Yeah. See you when we get back, Taya.” She didn’t reply, which left me to just stare at Celestia’s ass as I followed her.

When we got to the chariot, she told the guards where to go and asked, “Trouble with Taya?”

I waited until we were moving to say, “Yes.” I sighed and sat when we actually got in the air. “I didn’t want to be a parent, Celestia. I really am trying, but Christ. I lost count of the number of times she’s tried to seduce me.” Her eyes jerked open and her mouth dropped. “She didn’t even know what incest was. And then said it didn’t count because she’s adopted. I guess that’s one good thing about being a chick forever.”

“Nav, why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” she asked, putting a hoof to one of my shoulders.

“What could you have done? I had me, Cadance, and Doppel all telling her that incest was wrong and she still tried. It took a vicious spanking to make her back down, and… Christ, I never wanted this…”

I could tell that she very much wanted to respond, but we were already starting to land. We didn’t have to go very far, after all. “We’ll talk before you leave,” she said, wrapping her wing around me for a small hug. Soon, we were bouncing and bobbing over the uneven ground as the guards struggled to slow down. Since I didn’t like breaking my teeth, I bailed a few seconds after we touched down, using the speed to catch some wind to fly out of it. I landed right next to the chariot as it stopped. “You always must show off, mustn’t you?” Celestia asked, smiling.

“Gotta keep you interested somehow, right?” I said, spreading my wings to show off my sexy plumage.

“Mine are bigger,” she mocked, stately stepping down from her chariot. “One of you stay with the chariot, please.” Since they were still unhitching themselves, the guards didn’t salute or whatever. They did all reply with affirmatives, though. One stayed next to the chariot while the rest followed as we started walking into the forest. “Are you sure you remember the way?”

“I don’t, but I know someone that does,” I said, tapping my skull. She nodded smartly, hopefully trusting in Flo.

Right before we actually got into the woods, the guards stopped. “Princess, are you sure you should be going in there?” one of them asked.

“Our destination is within,” she said, looking back at him. “It is vital to the security of Equestria that we get there. If you are afraid, you may stay with the chariot as well.”

The guard’s eyes narrowed slightly and he shook his head. “We follow your lead, Princess.”

“Excellent. Navarone, lead the way.”

I continued walking as the three guards took up positions around their beloved princess. “You know, I think this is actually the way Luna and I went the first time we came in here.”

“On your hunting trip?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah. Before she went crazy and tried murdering me with an animal.”

“Well, hopefully it wasn’t the Everfree that corrupted her mind. I would quite hate to be in your hooves if I started trying to harm you.”

“If you did, I’d bend over and beg for more.” Every one of the guards forgot they were supposed to be guarding and just gaped at me. The blush on Celestia’s cheeks told me I scored a point, though she didn’t reply. If Flo wasn’t too busy giving me directions, she probably would have slapped me upside the face. Though, as she’s telling me as I write this, she doesn’t like abusing me, she just does it for my own good. Anyway, since silence returned, I asked, “Anything big happen since I left?”

Before Celestia could answer, one of the guards asked, “Is it wise to be making noise here… sir?”

“The Everfree only tries to hurt you if you plan to hurt it. If you go in with violence in your mind, it’ll send all kinds of hell after you. But if you just go in there for a walk, and ignore the monsters inside, they’ll happily ignore you.”

“There’s no way that’s true,” he said, slowly shaking his head.

I stopped in front of a tree and pointed out a bug on there. “See this thing?” I asked. “It’s extremely poisonous. One almost killed me while I was exploring in here a few years ago.” I gently reached out and stroked it. The thing curled around my finger and started walking over it, before I set it back on the tree. “If you tried crushing it, you would die before you got two steps away.”

He just shook his head and kept walking. One of the other guards tried reaching up to poke the bug before a golden glow stopped his hoof. “Just because you can does not mean you should,” Celestia gently rebuked him. “While Navarone is correct about the nature of the Everfree, you should never forget that he also has safeguards against poison and animals alike. He would have little to fear here even if his mind was centered on violence.”

One of the guards snorted and muttered, “We all know what his mind is on.”

Flo whispered a warning and I ripped a throwing knife out of a sleeve, throwing it into one of the trees. The guards all jumped, and then jumped again when they realized my knife was sticking out of a gecko that had blended into the tree. “Yeah, keeping you safe,” I said, walking over and wrenching the knife out. “I suggest you pay less attention to my ass and more to your surroundings.”

“We’re supposed to be impressed that you killed an innocent lizard?” one of the guards sneered.

I pointed back to the tree, where his blood was eating through the bark. “Its bodily fluids are very acidic and will eat through organic material like nothing you’ve ever seen. They’re fans of spitting, usually toward larger creatures.”

“Navarone, stop showing off,” Celestia said, patting my shoulder with a hoof. “I’d like to get there today, please.”

“It’s hardly showing off,” I said as we continued to walk. “Just explaining my position.”

“Then explain it while walking, please.”

“Oh, I’m done, now.”

“Of course you are,” she sighed, just shaking her head. “Tell me, how did you learn this place’s location?”

“Pinkie led me right to it. She asked me to come with her to the Everfree this morning, but she didn’t say why. She found a path I had never seen before that led to a cave I never saw before that contained the cloning pool. Next thing I knew, there were two of her. I figured it would be funny for a day and then I’d contact you and get it sorted out, but it stopped being funny much sooner than I thought.”

“There are times I wonder why I made you a knight,” Celestia sighed.

“Technically, that was your sister, so you can blame her for that if you want.”

“That makes me feel a little better, I suppose. How far in is the pool?”

“About twenty minutes or so. Nearly halfway there.”

“Couldn’t we have flown?” one of the guards asked.

“I walked when I got here the first time, so that’s how I know how to get to it. You can’t see landmarks through the tree cover.” He just shrugged and things got quiet again for a few minutes. Since I don’t really like awkward silences, I said, “Going through here with Pinkie was more fun. She’s a lot cuter than most of you and she was singing.”

“Would you like my guards to start singing?” Celestia asked. “I’m sure they would be happy to.”

“Your voice is prettier. And you know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you getting caught in that song magic.”

“It has been a while…” she mused. “But I would much rather hear you, personally. Ever since your… change, your voice is so cute!”

“Oh, so that’s why you made me scream your name.” One of the guards cleared his throat quite noisily, looking away.

“Well, you’re hardly able to return the favor anymore, so I suppose one of us had to pick up the slack.” That made two of the guards start snickering and almost instantly pissed me off, but I forced it down so I could think of a clever response. Before I could, though, she asked, “Is there supposed to be a briar patch in our path?”

“The cave’s just on the other side,” I said, regretting not being able to come up with a good response in time. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ll be flying over it again.”

“Want us to clear it, Princess?” one of the guards asked.

“I have an easier solution,” she said, her horn lighting up. As we continued to walk toward the thorns, she burned a path right through it for us. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much smoke, so we walked right through with no problems, right up until we got to the hole. “So this is it?” she asked.

I heard some cracking behind us right after she asked that, so I looked back and saw the briars already growing back to cover our path. “I fucking hate the Everfree, sometimes,” I sighed, turning back and shaking my head. “Yeah, this is it. It’s a straight drop for a few meters before it starts zigging and zagging. Goes a few dozen or so meters that way,” I said, pointing. “There are some cracks in the roof of the main cave room.”

“I’ll see it all when we get there,” Celestia said, nodding. “Guards, remain here. Navarone, let us continue.”

“Are you sure, Princess? What if there are monsters down there?”

“Then I shall keep Navarone safe and sound, so you needn’t worry about her safety.”

“Yeah, right,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Because I’m the one that keeps a bunch of big, strong stallions around day and night.”

“I’ve heard plenty of the night guards say they would love to be your… ahem, personal guards. If you’d like, I need only say the word…”

“I don’t need more night guards lusting after me, thank you. Now let’s get this over with. I have shit to do today.” With that, I jumped down the hole, spreading my wings to slow my descent. Celestia followed me moments later and together, we continued into the darkness. Well, it was darkness at first, but she magicked up some light for herself. And of course, she also pressed herself against me as we continued walking. “Oh, now you’re all friendly.”

“You were hardly acting polite yourself,” she shot back.

“The guards expect me to be a dick. You’re supposed to be the kind and loving mother-figure.”

“I’m fairly certain the truth of our… relationship is rather well-known, at this point. Among the guards, at the very least. I’m sure most of them find it comforting to know their princess is just a normal pony, too.”

“Somehow I doubt that. But if you want, I can ride you on the way back. I bet you’d like that.”

She shivered in delight. “More than anything. But not quite yet.” After she said that, the cave opened up and we were able to see the pool in all its beautiful glory. “So, this is it,” she said, stopping at the mouth of the cave.

“Yep. I didn’t get a chance to explore earlier, but I would quite like to.”

“Before you do… Nav, I want your honest input. What do you think I should do with this pool?”

“Put wards up around it. Block all entrances with local boulders. Mark the spot on a secret map. The future is always uncertain, Celestia. There’s a day you might need a lot of soldiers. Or you might need someone to send to Chrysalis but you run out of prisoners. Any use you get out of this thing will almost definitely be evil, but evil can be used for good.”

“...You think I should keep it as a backup weapon.”

“Precisely.”

“Go explore. I have to check on something. If you find anything, call me.”

“Simple enough, though I doubt there’s much here to find.” I continued walking into the cave while she stayed at the entrance, just staring down at the pool.

Since I was planning on saving the best for last, I started my exploration by looking around just the main chamber, avoiding the stream leading to the cloning pool. As I kinda expected, there really wasn’t much around the cavern. No side paths, no hidden relics, no hints of a lost civilization. Hell, I didn’t even find any small animals or bugs, or hints of them. So soon enough, I found myself walking back to the stream leading up to the pool. Before I checked it out, I looked back up at Celestia and saw that she was reading a letter or something. That wasn’t any of my business, so I went back to pretending to know what I was looking for.

When I got to the stream, I started following it toward the source. As I somewhat expected, the stream just led to a small crack in the wall that I definitely couldn’t fit through. “What do you think, Flo?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“I’m very tempted to extricate myself from your body to follow it, but I don’t know what risk that would entail, if the stream even can copy me. I have the feeling that even if I did get to the end, I wouldn’t understand what I was even seeing. There are many things in this world you don’t and can’t understand, Navarone. This will remain one of them.”

“I bet there’s a certain someone that can explain it to me,” I said, turning back to where Celestia had been standing. That’s when I saw that she had moved to stand right next to the pool, peering into it.

“Perhaps she could. But just because you have come to an… understanding does not mean you should push for information she does not want to give. Especially since the information is useless to you. I suggest dropping it.”

“Tch. Whatever. Not like it really matters, I guess. God knows we don’t need more of me running around. Let’s go see what’s on sunbutt’s mind, then.” Flo didn’t answer, so I just walked over to Celestia. She didn’t look up as I approached, so I got behind her and grabbed her flanks, pulling her ass into me. “Any thoughts?” I asked, practically hugging her booty.

“I’m considering throwing you in there so I can keep one of you around all the time. I quite doubt you’d like that, however.”

“Your doubts are well-founded. I meant more about what you decided, though. Destroy this place or hide it?”

She sighed, stepping away from me and slowly walking around the pool. “My heart is telling me this place is evil and should be destroyed without a second thought. But my mind… My mind, forged from six thousand years of survival and plotting, shaped in war and hardened in politics, tells me this place must be preserved. Living this long has taught me that you are correct, that evil can be used for good.” She stopped walking and looked up to me. “Speak of this place to no one. I’ve already placed the wards. Let’s go.”

She started walking to the entrance, but I walked up to her and put my arm around her neck. “Have you looked around this place?” I asked. “I mean, looked beyond the pool?”

She stopped, then turned her head. “What am I looking for?” she asked.

“This place is beautiful,” I said, lifting a hand to scratch at her ears. “No one expects us back in Ponyville so soon…”

“I… suppose we may spare a few moments… By the sun, I spoil you so.”

“You know you like it, Celly…”

By the time we got back in town, most of the place was back in order. Fluttershy and Twilight were back as well, helping put the finishing touches on some things. The place had gotten quite adept at dealing with structural damage since Twilight first appeared in town, and they put all those skills to good use when rebuilding the place.

They were all happy to see Celestia there, too. Most hadn’t seen her when she first showed up, because they had been too busy hiding from the Pinkies. It seemed word had spread of how she fixed the problem, though, and the citizens were all too happy to shower her with praise while forgetting that it had been the rest of us that quarantined the Pinkies in the first place.

Some time during the small festivities, I managed to corner Fluttershy alone, away from her friends and anyone else she might use as a social crutch. “So I heard you got a pretty good time to Canterlot,” I said, smiling.

“Oh, well… You said it was important and I didn’t want to let y—ANYPONY… anypony down.”

“Well, I seem to remember a certain promise I made before you left. Think that might have anything to do with it?”

“P-promise?” she asked, a blush creeping up her face. “I-i don’t remember any p-promise!”

“Oh? And here I was thinking you cared more than that. Well, if you don’t want the hug…” Her ears flinched and her body perked up. “Hm, it seems like you might be interested after all.”

“W-well, if it wouldn’t… be a bother… A hug would be nice.” That last part was whispered so low that I barely heard it.

As soon as I heard that, I bent down and tightly wrapped my arms around her. She flinched when I touched her, but soon relaxed and nearly melted into my arms. That’s when I wrapped my wings around her, cuddling much tighter. She sighed in pleasure as I began petting her mane and whispering, “Such a good pony,” over and over. Since I promised her a good one, I let it go on for five or so minutes, which felt awkwardly long.

For better or worse, I was saved by Celestia. “Ah, Navarone, there you are,” she said. “And there’s Fluttershy as well, it seems. Is there… something I need to know about?”

“I told Fluttershy I would give her a hug if she got to Canterlot quickly,” I said, patting Fluttershy on the back one last time before letting go. “So there’s her hug.”

“Hm. You should be careful, Nav,” she said as she pulled me to her with magic and then kissed me deeply, making Fluttershy squeak in horror. After a few seconds, she pushed me away and said with a smirk, “A mare could get jealous.”

“If your jealousy is anything like Kumani’s, I bet I would enjoy it a lot. But don’t worry, you have nothing to fear. Fluttershy’s just a friend that likes hugs.”

“It’s nice to know you’re such a good friend. I’m about to head back to Canterlot. I wanted to remind you that you need to come back soon for our date.”

“I’ll be back in a few more days, don’t you worry,” I said. “And my period should be over by then, which is even better. Is Twilight here in town to stay, or is she going back with you?”

“She’s here to stay, unless she takes a train back to Canterlot. I’m leaving after we finish talking and I’m not telling her, so she won’t be riding back with me. She’s asking many questions I don’t want to answer, so it’s better that she stays here.”

“I’ll see what I can do to keep her here, then,” I said, nodding. “She needs to spend time with her friends anyway. I’ll see you when I get back to Canterlot.”

“I’ll be waiting,” she said as she spread her wings. “Goodbye to you as well, Fluttershy.” She took off without waiting for a response, flying toward the center of town.

I watched her fly for a few seconds before turning back to a very terrified Fluttershy. “A-are y-y-you and the p-princess…”

“We’ve come to an understanding,” I said with a shrug. “She knows I’m going to be away for a while and she knows that I… am a slut, put bluntly. I can do whatever I want until I’m done with Discord, but as soon as I am… Well, she’s getting her turn.” Her mouth and ears dropped. “Yeah, we’re going to keep it quiet for as long as possible. So if you could keep that to yourself, that would be great.” I patted her on the shoulder and said, “See you later, Fluttershy.”

Her back legs gave out and her ass hit the ground as I walked away, looking for Rarity or Pinkie. After a few minutes of searching, I found Taya and the rest of Twilight’s small gang (minus Dash), all hanging out in the same area. Of course, Taya immediately stepped to my side.

Twilight was the first to say something to me, though. “Nav, have you seen the princess? I needed to speak with her.”

“Just missed her,” I said with a shrug. “She left a few minutes ago.” Twilight kicked the ground and muttered something unpleasant, turning a glare toward Canterlot. “Hey Rarity, you doing anything important?”

“I needed to get back to my shop, actually, and see if there was any damage there.”

“Well, I have something more important, so come on.”

“Navarone, there are plenty of mares and stallions both that would be perfectly willing to help with that.”

“Oh ha ha. Come on.”

“Ugh, very well. But this better be important. I haven’t gotten to spend much time with my family yet and this is cutting into what little we have left.” Welcome to my world, bitch. I led her away from the others anyway, not that most of them really noticed us leaving. “So what is this big emergency?” she asked when we were away from them.

“I just circumspectly turned Fluttershy down in one of the harshest ways possible, mostly on accident.”

“...I see. Where is she?”

“Keep walking this way until you get to Drury Lane, then turn left. That’s where I left her.”

“I will take care of her, Navarone. But I will have words for you later, missy!”

“Look, I fucked up. She wasn’t supposed to see what she saw, but she did, and Flo didn’t tell me I was fucking up, so it just sort of happened.”

“...Flo. That’s the name of the… thing in your head?”

“Yeah. She keeps me human, but she’s been distracted. Look, just go take care of Fluttershy. You can yell at me later.”

“Indeed I can. Go home, Navarone.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” I sighed, turning toward Vinyl’s house.

After we got several meters away from Rarity, Taya asked, “So… what did you do, again?”

“Told Fluttershy it wasn’t going to happen.”

“...Daddy, what did you promise me a few months ago?”

Ugh. “I don’t know, a pony? It’s been a long day.”

“You promised me that you would give Fluttershy a chance at the end of our trip.”

Oh yeah, that. “If I didn’t find anyone else. If I happened to find someone, as I did, then that’s out the door.”

“Well, which tramp is it this time?” she demanded, glaring at me. “That dragon already left you. How long do you think this next one will last?”

“I think Celestia’s in it for the long haul,” I said. Of course, her face quickly paled and most of the anger was replaced with shock. “But of course, I still have a while to truly decide. We’re keeping it open until I’m done with this trip.”

“But you can’t…” For some reason, she stopped. After a few seconds of silence, she just quietly asked, “Why her? After everything she’s done, why?”

“I dunno. Why’d you stay with me?”

“I don’t… You made me feel… safe. Warm. You were patient. You were kind. You saved me…”

“People fall in and out of love for all kinds of reasons, Taya. I can’t say that’s what I feel for her, but hey, might as well give it a shot. We’re both going to be living for a while. Might as well spend that time happy, I figure.” We walked in silence for a few more seconds before I smiled and said, “It helps that she has a nice ass.”

Taya just groaned.

When we got back to Vinyl’s sweet pad, she was chilling in the front room, sipping at some mead. “Dude, were you in town today? That shit was mad wack, yo.”

“I’ve been teaching you too many bad habits,” I sighed, shaking my head. “And yeah, I helped clean it up. There were far too many Pinkies out there, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah. But just think what they would be like in bed! I mean, all of them there, all alike, all so Pinkie, and I really shouldn’t be talking like this in front of a filly, should I?”

“Nope. But if you want to know about that, ask Rainbow Dash. I needed to distract them and she was all too willing.”

“Bucking. Hot.”

“I know, right? Anyway, Taya’s probably hungry and I need to eat even though I’m not. You cook yet?”

“Psh, no. Octavia was going to start soon, though.”

“...Octavia’s here?” I asked.

“Yeah. I told you we were gonna get another guest. She’s here for a day or two, before she heads back home.”

“Cool. We gonna make any more music?” Taya groaned, so I smiled and continued, “Playing the piano back at Flankfurt was fun.”

“Yeah, we can probably do that. After we eat, though. Everything was shut down today because of the Pinkies, so I’m starving.”

“Well then, why don’t we go help her?”

“Psh, this is my house. I’m letting you stay here out of the kindness of my heart. Seems only fair you cook for me.”

“Yeah, but you’re the hostess. You’re supposed to provide for your guests. I seem to remember doing that when you were in my house.”

“You humans have some weird rules. Well, get to cookin’,” she said, clapping her hooves together and smirking. I arched an eyebrow and her smirk faltered. My lips pursed slightly and she started nervously sweating. I crossed my arms and she gulped. As soon as I opened my mouth, she flinched and yelled, “FINE, I’ll bucking help you cook!”

“...Help?”

“Ugh! I’ll cook! Sweet Celestia, Nav, you’re evil! But if you get food poisoning, don’t come crying to me!”

“No promises. I’m sure you can figure something out. Octavia and I can supervise.”

The mare herself appeared when I said that. “Volunteering me for something already, Nav?” she asked with her coy little smile. “And what’s this I hear about Vinyl cooking?”

“Hey, I can cook!” Vinyl shouted, at least trying to defend herself.

“Making sandwiches doesn’t count,” Octavia said, her smile deepening. Vinyl’s ears drooped slightly and her eyes got shifty. “But as it seems I have been volunteered to assist you, I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“If you don’t want to help, you don’t have to,” I said. “I’m sure we can sit in the dining room and watch her slave over a hot stove for us.”

“Oh, now you’re just being mean,” Vinyl said, crossing her legs and pouting.

“Hardly,” Octavia said, passively waving a hoof. “We’re just trying to teach you to be a responsible adult. Learning to cook is a part of that.”

As soon as she finished saying that, Vinyl reached up and slowly removed her purple glasses. “You monster. Trying to turn me into an adult? What is wrong with you?!”

Octavia just giggled, so I stepped in. “I think what she meant is that she wanted you to learn to survive without restaurants. Because, you know, what if they all shut down due to some strange circumstances such as a hundred Pinkies out of nowhere?”

“...I need to hire a sexy changeling lust maid,” Vinyl slowly said, idly scratching at her chin with her hoof.

“Good luck with that,” I said, tousling her hair. “But until you do, get to cookin’.”

She just sighed.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty—The Calm Between the Storms

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty—The Calm Between the Storms

The next day in Ponyville was much calmer than the one that preceded it. There were no giant hordes of roving Pinkies trying to eke out as much fun as possible before Celestia vaporized them. There was also no single roving Pinkie, since she was too busy being depressed or interrogated by Twilight or something.

Unfortunately, after Pinkie failed to provide any useful answers, Twilight came to me. That was after my morning run with Taya, so I didn’t have my habitual excuse of looking after my daughter to escape her. And since Taya was feeling vindictive, she didn’t even try to stop Twilight when I was grabbed by magic and taken to the library.

“There are times when I wonder if that elemental in your head is even doing anything,” I said when Twilight carefully placed me in a chair.

“Hey, I asked first!”

“Yeah, and I said no.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Details. I just want to talk, anyway, so it’s not like it’s really that intrusive.”

“Oh yeah, sure, that’s what you want. Are you sure you don’t want another anatomy lesson, Miss Sparkle? Maybe another one of our special sessions, hm?”

Her face instantly turned a fiery red and she averted her gaze. It was a good thing Taya hadn’t followed us, because that might have been somewhat awkward. Or maybe not, since I pretty much already corrupted her.

“If that’s what you want, I wouldn’t complain,” I smugly said, leaning back in my chair and clasping my hands behind my head. “I know all the mares want me, dick or no dick.”

Both of her eyes flashed blue and she looked back at me, all traces of emotion on her face gone. “My host has a number of questions she would like to ask you about the cloning pool Pinkie used, Navarone,” Aqua said. “Aerie refuses to allow Pinkie to discuss it. Were you put under a similar compulsion?”

“Not really. I mean, I kinda doubt Celestia wants me talking about it too much, but I’m willing to discuss it. I am not, however, willing to tell you where it is. Some things are better off lost.”

“Indeed they are,” Aqua said with a nod. “Though Twilight disagrees. Are you going to continue teasing her, or will you answer her questions?”

“I’m never done teasing Twilight,” I said, leaning forward to poke her on the nose. “It’s too funny. I do have a question, though. What’s the status of the waters? How close are you to being done?”

“It’s been less than a week. We’ve barely begun. I will keep you updated as things move along. Will you at least answer questions?”

“Oh, of course. Just expect there to be a lot of teasing while doing it, just because Twilight’s so adorable sometimes.”

“Understandable. There are times when I think these ponies are made to be cute, though some of the thoughts she has can be anything but. I suggest being careful the next time you mention an anatomy lesson. At least, if you have anything else to do that day.”

“...Well, now I have something to do when my period ends.”

“I just can’t imagine how Flo hasn’t died from mortification while in your head. I am going to have a very long talk with her once she’s freed.”

“Hey, don’t think you’ll change me,” I said, leaning back in the seat again. “I’m quite happy as a slut.”

She just rolled her eyes. When they went back to their neutral position, they were once again purple. “So shall we begin?” Twilight asked, back to smiling.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Just don’t expect me to answer everything.”

“Of course. Where’s the cloning pool?”

“Can’t answer that.” Her smile immediately dropped. “Blame Celestia, not me. She almost definitely doesn’t want it studied.”

“I don’t want to study it. I want to destroy it, or block anyone from getting to it.”

“She doesn’t want it destroyed and she already has it blocked, so that’s taken care of.”

Twilight sighed and asked, “Is there any reason in particular she doesn’t want it destroyed?”

“Ask her, not me.”

“...Do you know the answer?”

“You’ve gotten much, much better at knowing the right questions to ask.”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Do you know the history of the pool?”

“Not much. Celestia definitely knew about it and I’m willing to bet she’s used it in the past. She said it was part of the old capital before the Everfree claimed it. More than that, I don’t know.”

“There aren’t any records of it here, I know that much. I would have found them… Was there anything else in the cave?”

“Nope. The thing was definitely carved out, or at least the entrance was, but I couldn’t find anything else. The pool was fed into by a stream that came in from outside the cave. I couldn’t see the actual source.”

“That’s not overly helpful… Is there anything else you can tell me?”

“Yeah. Drop it. Absolutely nothing good will come of it. Celestia’s got it taken care of and the place is warded, so going in would get you caught instantly.”

“Unfortunately, that’s my conclusion as well. I don’t understand why the princess would let something so evil stay around, but we both know she isn’t as clean as we once thought.”

“Hey, I never thought she was clean. Now, I didn’t expect her to be so perverted, but as soon as I learned how old she was, I knew she had done some shit.”

“...Either way, I need to get back to Canterlot to speak to her again. I’d also like to check on Spike. Do you mind taking me to where he is?”

“It would take hours to walk there and I’m not about to do it with something as tasty as a pony, at least not without my weapons.”

“I will… definitely remember that you think I’m tasty. But I was planning on giving myself the butterfly wings before we left, so I could fly. It’ll be cheaper and faster than a train.”

“I don’t really want to be that guy, but—”

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Twilight said, looking down at my crotch. I reached up to slap her, but when her eyes looked back up, I saw they were blue.

“You get this one free, Aqua,” I warned. “But next time, I’ll slap Twilight’s shit in anyway.” She blinked and went back to purple. “Twilight, you need to drop this thing you have with Celestia. Nothing good will come from it. If she doesn’t want to teach you magic, she isn’t going to. Annoying her won’t make her change her mind. Annoying her about everything else won’t do anything, either.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed slightly and she said, “Apparently, Celestia isn’t ready to trust me. At least, not with this. She said she’s been testing me and trying to prepare me, but I’m not there yet. So I’m going to keep asking her until she tells me what I have to do.”

“You ever consider, I don’t know, doing the same shit you were doing before? You said she was testing you. Seems to me like you should just keep doing the stuff you were doing, because that’s what she’s testing you on.”

“...That’s what Aqua said.”

“Funny thing about these million year old elementals in our heads, Twilight: They’re pretty fucking wise sometimes. You should try listening to her.”

“I always listen! I just… don’t always take her advice.”

“I suggest doing so this time. Nothing good will come of bothering Celestia, and then I’ll have to listen to her bitch about you after we fuck.”

“You… talk about me?” she asked, her eyes widening slightly.

“We talk about the things that stress us,” I said with a shrug. “If you happen to be causing her stress, we’ll talk about you. And from the last few times we’ve done naughty things to each other, I know that she’s tired of you annoying her. You need to chill the fuck out and leave her alone. Don’t you still have a ton of artifacts to study? Now would be a good time to do that.”

“I know. It’s just… This is the only time I’ve had to actually talk with her in a while and she doesn’t have much time to spend with me.”

“She’s also taking on all the responsibilities Luna and Cadance both had again, so she’s even busier than usual. Just leave her alone and let her summon you when she’s ready.”

“...She always has time for you.”

“Yeah, well, when you start sticking things inside of her, maybe she’ll be much happier to make time for you. But look at me now: I’m in Ponyville, just the same as you. She does have some time for me, but not all of her time can go to me.”

She sighed. “Fine. But I still want to see Spike. And I have some stuff on the ship that I need to pick up, since I wasn’t planning on staying in Ponyville just yet.”

“Then we’ll go to the ship first, because there’s some stuff I want to get if we’re going into the Everfree. I just need to tell Taya I’m leaving.”

“She could come with us, you know. It would be good practice for her.”

“Let her cast the spell on herself, you mean?” I asked. She nodded. “She’s strong, but I doubt she’s that strong. Flying also takes time, energy, and muscles. She just went running with me, so she’s low on energy and her muscles are also weak. I’m not taking a weak, tired flier over the Everfree. In a more controlled environment, sure. There, no.”

“Alright, I understand. Though the wings you can get with magic don’t really use muscles. Hopefully it won’t take that long to do everything we need to do. How far away is Spike?”

“Flying? Just a few minutes. About the same distance as Canterlot.”

“Excellent. Go tell Taya and then meet me back here. I would like to get started soon.”

“Sure.” I left the library and walked back to Vinyl’s pad, thankfully not getting distracted by anyone in town. Well, aside from the occasional stares from stallions that were probably wondering what that smell was.

When I got to Vinyl’s warm abode, Taya was sitting behind a turntable in the front room, looking down at the records somewhat dubiously. Vinyl was standing in front of her, presumably waiting for the filly to do something. “I… don’t think this is for me,” Taya said, looking up.

“You didn’t even flick them on yet,” Vinyl said. “Just try it.”

“You should,” I said, nodding. “Unfortunately, I’m about to go to Canterlot and then the Everfree with Twilight, so I can’t stay and listen.”

“Can I go?” Taya asked.

“Sadly, no. We’re gonna need to move quickly and you’ll slow us down.”

“I could just burn a hole in the Everfree!”

“Which would piss it off and make it send a ton of stuff after us. I’m not in the mood to kill everything in that damn forest.”

“Daddy, you’re far too superstitious.”

“It’s cute that you think that. We should be back in a few hours. Now Vinyl, listen to Auntie Taya. Make sure to follow all her rules and go to bed when she tells you.”

“Tch, yeah right,” she said. “I’m a rebel without a cause, gonna fight against the mare no matter what she says!”

“What if she tells you to eat junk food and to never go to bed?”

“...Well, sometimes the mare knows what she’s talking about, I guess. Have fun in the evil forest, Nav.”

“No promises,” I said as I turned to go. “Learn well, Taya.” She just hmphed.

“If I can teach Luna, I can teach you,” Vinyl said before I cut her off by closing the door.

I got back to Twilight’s house easily, since I had wings and the skies above Ponyville are usually clear. She was waiting for me outside, already sporting her cute little butterfly wings. Several ponies were staring at them, but people were used to Twilight being strange. “Ready to go?” Twilight asked when I got to an acceptable speaking distance.

“Yep. Got Taya babysitting Vinyl, so things should be good there.”

“Alri—Wait, what?”

“I said let’s go.” Before she could contradict me, I spread my wings and jumped into the air. She joined me a few moments later and we started flying toward Canterlot, unfortunately making smalltalk on the way. We weren’t really in a hurry, so we made it in half an hour.

When my feet and her hooves hit the deck, the large iron golem that had been lying on the ground sat up and glared at us with glowing red eyes. “Pass. Word,” it rumbled.

“Pseudo sleep,” I said. Its eyes closed and he slowly lied back down.

“Nav… What is that?” Twilight asked, looking at the thing with a mix of horror and fascination.

“The golem Jak’s been building,” I said. “He got it mostly done. The password is pseudo. I’m going to assume he won.”

“Won what?” Twilight asked as she poked and prodded the golem.

“Jak had to go through Athena’s world with that thing. That was her requirement for teaching him.”

As soon as I told her where he went, her head jerked toward me. “She said that?!”

“Yeah. I thought it was really dickish, too. Well, you get what you need and I’ll get what I need.”

“...One of the things I wanted to get was the book.”

“Well, it’s staying here. Jak needs it more than we do, I bet. But you’re welcome to take that up with him, if you can find him. Either way, I’m going down.” Before I could get to the door, it opened and Gourd walked out, blinking at the harsh light. “Howdy.”

“Oh, that’s who I heard up here,” he said. “Are you here to stay this time?”

“Nope. We’re just getting some stuff we might need in Ponyville. We should be out in no time.”

“Oh… It’s really quiet on this ship. Maybe I should find an escort or something…”

“Your money,” I said with a shrug. I didn’t even know those existed in Canterlot, but I’m not that surprised. Although I did kinda think he was in a relationship with one of the other unicorns, but whatever. “Did Jak come out okay?”

“It took him a lot longer than you and he got all kinds of hurt, but he made it. He’s all healed up now and spending as much time as possible in that book.”

“Good. Now, I got shit to do today.” He nodded, so I just walked past him.

When I got to my room, I didn’t waste any time grabbing the shit I figured I’d need. The gun and some mags, the sword, the dragon armor, and my cloak to go over it. I also grabbed another set of clothes because fuck doing laundry when you don’t have to. It took me about fifteen minutes to get ready for war, though I honestly really doubted I’d need the armor. Still, better safe than sorry.

One thing that I didn’t do and probably should have done was check my cloak pockets. As it turns out, not doing so was a very smart idea.

After I got dressed in the armor, I went back out to the deck, where Twilight was already waiting with a few small bags. “Nav, don’t you think you’re going a little overboard?” she asked.

“Honestly, yes. But I’m not going to risk running into trouble over the Everfree. I’d rather be overprepared than underprepared.”

She shrugged. “Good point. Are you ready?”

“Yep.” We both walked over to the side and tossed ourselves off, flying back toward Ponyville. “So when are you gonna learn some long distance teleportation?” I asked.

“I can already do it,” she said. “Just not more than once. Watcher’s guards did teach me a neat trick with teleporting several small distances in quick succession, but that’s an emergency technique that can be just as draining as teleporting in one big jump.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” That cut off the conversation until she jumped back to smalltalk, which is pretty meh. Another half hour later, we got to her library, where we dropped off all the shit we didn’t need to take into the Everfree. She also picked up another bag, presumably something for Spike.

“Are your wings ready for more?” Twilight asked.

“I can keep going for hours, Twilight. You know that.” It took her a second, but a blush quickly started to seep down her face. “But I wouldn’t say no to a wing massage when we got back. Or maybe some mouth-preening…” Her blush just got deeper and deeper. “Maybe you can show me just how hard that horn is, too.” And her ears drooped. “Man, being a girl has some advantages, I guess. I never coulda used that horn line back when I still had a dick. And now I see what you meant by those wings not using muscles. If you were a pegasus, those things would be stiffer than I was the last time we—”

“LET’S JUST GO!” she yelled, spreading her wings and jumping into the air. I chuckled and joined her, though she did her best to look everywhere but at me as we flew toward the Everfree. She didn’t have much choice after we got over it, because she didn’t know where Reginald’s cave was. At least she didn’t try using smalltalk on me, that time.

Some amount of time later, we were circling above Reginald’s cave. “You took him here?” Twilight demanded, glaring at me. “He came here a few years ago and the dragon tried to kill him!”

“No, Reginald tried to scare him. We already went over that with him. Spike was stealing and acted like a cunt about it, so Reginald put the fear of god into him. Spike apologized for it and now they’re cool.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Alright, Nav. I trust you on this. But if we go in there and Spike’s hurt, you’re gonna get it.”

“Oh baby! I hope you use a paddle!”

“Ugh!” That was enough to get her to shut up so we could land, at least. When we did, Twilight finally saw all the bleached skeletons out in front of the gaping black hole. “Uh… Nav, he won’t… attack me, will he?”

“Nope. These are the bones of things from the Everfree that tried to attack him. You aren’t going to try to attack him, are you?”

“...No.”

“Then you’ll be fine. Let’s go.”

I started walking toward the cave, but Flo stopped my feet in their tracks. “Nav, I think you’re forgetting something,” she said. “Something you definitely shouldn’t be forgetting.”

“And what is that?” I asked. Twilight started to say something, but I held up a hand to forestall her.

“You’re on your period. These are dragons. Remember what happened the last time?”

“...You go ahead, Twilight. I can’t go in there.”

“What?! Why not?”

“Well, remember how Spike kinda tried to rape me the first time he smelled me on my period?”

“He wasn’t trying to rape you, Nav. You said so yourself. He was just… curious.”

“Right. Sure. Well, there’s a giant dragon in there. I don’t want him getting curious about my vagina. How long do you think you’ll take?”

“You’d be perfectly fine, you know. But I probably won’t take too long. I just want to see what… Reginald, right?” I nodded. “I want to see what he’s doing with Spike.”

“I kinda want to know, too. I guess I’ll just wait out here. Take your time but hurry up, and all that.”

She snorted. “Yeah, okay. See you in a few minutes, Nav.” I watched that booty shake while she walked into the cave, and then looked away after about half a minute because you never know when something’s gonna come out of the Everfree. Approximately no time later, I found the remnants of a large critter and sat on its skull facing the forest, just waiting.

About twenty minutes of silence later, I heard some scratching behind me that said someone was coming from the cave. Since I figured it would be Twilight, I just waited until it was right behind me, then asked, “You ready to go, Twilight?”

“Half right,” Spike said. I finally looked over and saw him holding a box of shiny cupcakes. “She’s still in there, talking to Reggie. She just told me to come out here for a few minutes, then cast some spell on me.”

“Oh.” There wasn’t enough room on the skull for both of us, but he ignored that and sat next to me anyway.

He sat for nearly a minute, presumably waiting for me to say something, before giving up and saying, “So… How’s Ponyville?”

“It’s alright.” I went silent again, because I knew what he wanted me to ask and I wasn’t going to ask it.

“It’s been boring here,” he said after another long wait, confirming my suspicion. “Reggie just keeps talking and talking and talking. We almost never actually do anything.”

“Have you been listening?”

“Sometimes. His stories are kinda neat, but he mostly just talks about being a dragon and stuff. A lot of the rules are really silly. Like, why can’t I have a relationship with something that isn’t a dragon? Kumani did it!”

“Yeah, but she was breaking the law to do so.”

“Well, maybe I want to break the law, too! Didn’t you tell me that laws should only be followed if they make sense?”

“Well, that law does make sense. Unless you want to start porking Celestia, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone that would live as long as you do. And even then, you’ll outgrow even her. Sex would be kinda hard.” And not the sexy kind of hard.

“There’s more to relationships than sex, Nav.”

“If you really and truly think it’ll work out well with this girl or guy or entity, see how you feel when we leave for the changeling hive. If you still think so, just straight up tell the chick you’re interested. It’ll probably end poorly, but you know, what’s life without its speed bumps?”

“What’s a speed bump?”

“Don’t worry about it.” He sighed and finally shut up before grabbing another one of those weird cupcakes. “Those sapphires?” I asked.

“Yep,” he said with his mouth full. “I would offer, but…”

“I don’t want to break my teeth, yeah. So, did Reginald actually teach you how to fight yet?”

“Sorta. Kumani was doing more, but we could actually spar. Reggie’s just explaining stuff to me. I figured out how to make spikes come out of my tail now, at least.” He thrust the cupcakes into my hand, then jumped down off the head and walked a few steps. When he saw that I was looking, he lifted his tail and sure enough, spikes shot out of it.

“Well, you can live up to your name now,” I said. He smiled and sucked the spikes back in before sitting right back next to me, pressed up against my hip. “I don’t suppose Twilight told you what happened with Pinkie?”

“Nope. Did she have some kinda party? Because that wouldn’t really be weird.”

“Nah. Don’t worry about it, though.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have worried if you hadn’t brought it up…” After a few seconds he shrugged. “So, do you want to spar?”

“I don’t have a practice blade on me. Besides, you wouldn’t want to hit a lady, would you?”

He snorted. “You sure were going out of your way to make me think you weren’t one. And we don’t need weapons. I just won’t use anything sharp so we can go hand to claw.”

“What, wrestle?”

“Yeah. Sounds fun to me!”

“...Spike, you’re bigger than I am now. I’m pretty sure you’re stronger now, too. Despite popular belief, women are, on average, weaker than dudes, and technique only really matters so much in a hand to hand fight. Your strength would come out on top.”

“So? It’s still good practice. Or are you just lazy?”

“Lazy and in pain. I’m on my period and I’m getting cramps mixed with being stupidly horny. There’s a reason I’m sitting instead of standing.”

“...Oh. Anything I can do to help?”

“Not without pissing Twilight off enough to fuse my vagina shut, no. I need to be very thoroughly fucked. At least, it worked last time.”

“Uh… Well I mean…”

“Yeah, I know, not the most pleasant of images. And I really don’t want to let any pony do it, because of all that blood. It’ll end in a day or two and I’ll be back to normal, though.”

“I… could—”

“I should visit that vampire again,” I said, leaning back. “She had a lot of fun. Sort of. And so did I…”

“V-vampony?” Spike whispered, his ear tufts drooping.

“Yeah. She got to me hungry and went to fucking town on my vagina. Then lost it and sucked out half my blood. I’m still not fully recovered from that… Maybe seeing her isn’t the best idea.”

“Did… did you tell the princess on her?”

“Psh, no. Why would I do that? She isn’t hurting anyone.”

“She sucked out half your blood!”

“Ahem,” Twilight coughed, finally making herself known. “Who sucked your blood, Nav?”

“That is not a question I’m going to answer,” I said before hopping off the skull. “Time to go?”

“Aqua, you really need to stop taking his side,” Twilight said, her eyes flicking to the right. “No, that doesn’t make me feel any better!” … “Ugh, fine.” Her eyes flicked back to me. “Yes, it’s time to go. Mister Reginald regrets that he can’t see you, but understands why you can’t. And his nose is a lot more sensitive than Spike’s, so let’s get out of here quickly before he smells you all the way out here.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said, spreading my wings. “I’ll see you later, Spike.”

“Wait!” I lowered my wings slightly. “Why can’t I come back to Ponyville, at least? I have my crossbow, so I can hunt. There’s plenty of room at your house and the library both. There’s no reason for me to stay here!”

I sighed and lowered my wings the rest of the way. “Spike, there’s no easy way to say this. In the week or so before we got to Canterlot, you were kind of a dick. At best, annoying and clingy. I think you’re missing… something in your upbringing. No offense to you either, Twilight, but you’re not a dragon. Reginald is. He’s an old, wise dragon that can really help you out. Not just with… your puberty or whatever, but with what it really means to be a dragon. The stuff you can’t just learn overnight. You’re perfectly welcome to come back to Ponyville, Spike. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But I really think being here would be good for you. You already seem more mellow than you were before.”

“...When was I a dick?”

“When you helped bring the money back and then I got the naga to carry it to Watcher’s room, for one. And Watcher told me you had some discipline problems while I was away. So I’ll say again: In the end, it’s your decision. The boat’s done, so you can go back and stay there if you want. Or you can stay in Ponyville. Or you can stay here and learn, which is my suggestion.”

Before Spike could respond, Twilight sighed and said, “Nav’s… sort of right, Spike. I don’t think you’re too clingy or being a jerk, but Reginald can teach you. And it’s important you learn. You spent time learning from Kumani, but she was young, too busy fawning over Nav, and female. Reginald can help you a lot more than she could, and you can learn all kinds of interesting stuff about history while you’re at it. I wish he would let me stay, but he said no…”

“You both… really think I should stay?” Spike slowly asked, looking at me.

“Yes, we do,” I said, nodding. “That’s not to say you can’t visit Ponyville or Canterlot, but I think you should spend most of your time here.”

“...Okay. Does that mean I can come back to Ponyville today?”

“You should… probably wait until my period’s done,” I said. “If you don’t mind, at least. Twilight’s got that spell on you, but dragons have some magic resistance and I don’t want to risk it wearing off.”

“It won’t,” Twilight said. “But it still might be a good idea for you to wait.”

Spike sighed and nodded. “Fine, I’ll wait a few days… But if I have to wait for that to wear off, it better be because we’re gonna spend time together!”

“If I’m still in Ponyville, sure,” I said. “I just went there for a few days to get out of Canterlot. I’ll be heading back soonish.”

“Cool. It’s a date, then.” I blinked. “Er, not a date, but… you know what I mean.”

“Sure. See you later, Spike.” He lifted his arms for a hug, but I was already shooting my wings out to catch air, so I pretty much left him hanging. Twilight chilled on the ground for a few more seconds to talk to him while I circled the small clearing. Finally, she joined me in the air and we started flying back. A few seconds after she did, she opened her mouth, but I said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Her mouth promptly closed.

Well, for a few seconds, anyway. “Too bad,” she eventually said. “Spike was raised by ponies, like ponies, Nav. He’s going to be more ‘clingy’ than you’re used to, especially since he’s your friend. More so, given the dragon jealousy he has. If he’s going to stay among ponies, that’s not a bad thing.”

“If.”

“...Yes, if he doesn’t, it could be somewhat of a problem. But you’re going to be alive for a while, Nav. I have a feeling that the two of you will be together for a very long time, or at the very least, you’ll stay in touch. You have to ask yourself, if he doesn’t change and stays just as clingy, what will you do?”

“Continue being his friend. It’s annoying, but not enough at the moment to make me cut contact. The thing is, he needs to remember that when I’m on that ship, I’m not just his friend. I’m also his commander. If I give orders, he needs to obey them. No backtalk, no dark muttering.”

“He’s not a soldier, Nav!”

“I know he’s not. But neither are you, and yet I have a feeling that if we got in a fight, you’d follow my orders.”

“Well… yes. You have more experience than I do and you’re… more knowledgeable about it. Of course I would do what you told me.”

“Yeah. Spike’s been giving me and Watcher lip both in and out of combat situations. If we’re in private and it’s not really important, whatever. But when he’s fighting zombies and Watcher tells him to do something, he needs to fucking do it. Or when he’s carrying a large bag full of money and I tell him to give it to someone, he needs to give it to someone.”

“Yes, he does. But that doesn’t have anything to do with him being clingy or a jerk.”

“Not about being clingy, no. But undermining my authority in front of the troops kinda makes him a dick. And Watcher’s old and crotchety. Making him repeat himself is mean.”

“If we weren’t flying, I’d kick you.”

“Good thing we’re flying, then.” And that I’m wearing armor.

“This is why you should ask me before doing anything like this with Spike, Nav. You’ve been here for so long, but you still don’t know what it means to be a pony.”

“There are no words for how cheesy that is.” She darted closer to me and kicked me. Given my previously mentioned armor, I barely even felt it. “You’re lucky you’re so adorable, or that might make me mad.”

“You are so insufferable sometimes!”

“You know you love it, babe.” She groaned, which made me laugh. It also made us both shut up until we got back to the library. Since it was a public building, even if she didn’t specifically govern it anymore, we just let ourselves on in.

I started to grab the few bags I left near the door so I could leave, but Twilight stopped my hand with magic. “Do you have anything else planned any time soon?” she asked.

“Not really. Why?”

“I had something I was working on before… we went up north,” she said. “I wanted your opinion on it. It might take a little while, though.”

My mind quickly went to Taya, who I should probably get back to liberate from Vinyl. However, I knew she could cook if needed and there were plenty of bits in my room that she could use to buy food if it came to that. So I just shrugged and said, “Sure.”

She beamed and said, “Right this way!” She started prancing to the basement door. When she got there, she magicked up a key from who knows where and shoved it right in.

The librarian dude, who hadn’t been paying much attention until then, looked up and asked, “So you were the one with the key to that?”

“I was,” Twilight said, nodding. “And I’ll be the one keeping the key to it, since there aren’t any books down here.”

The librarian shrugged and said, “It doesn’t really matter. I was just wondering what was down there.”

“Just a few of my things. You coming, Nav?” I left my bags there and pulled off my helmet, setting it down next to them. That done, I followed Twilight into the darkness that quickly turned bright when she flicked a switch. Before I had time to look around, her horn lit up and the door closed, then locked. “We wouldn’t want to be disturbed,” she said to my questioning glance.

That was enough to make me finally look around the room, at least. I… didn’t actually see anything out of the ordinary. “So what are we looking at?” I asked, rubbing my finger along one of the beakers in her lab.

“Oh, we need to go a little deeper first,” she said, walking toward a random, mostly nondescript wall. It was blank, but there were a few pictures and sconces on it. She reached up and pulled one of the sconces down, which opened a staircase leading down.

“Alright, now you’re getting into creepy territory,” I said. “If you’re hiding insurrectionist stuff down there, I’m out.”

“That’s just silly,” she said as she began walking down the stairs. “I just really wanted this to stay secret.” I sighed and followed her, wondering just where in life I went wrong. Thankfully, this staircase wasn’t particularly long. Not so thankfully, it ended in a small dungeon.

“Twilight, what the fuck.” In the center of the relatively small room was a table with a few straps that looked perfect to accommodate nearly anything of any reasonable size. Along one wall were a number of rungs that looked like they were supposed to hold things. Under those rungs were a few locked chests. Strangely enough, there was a mirror on the ceiling. “Are you fucking torturing people down here?”

“No, of course not! Nopony else has even seen this…”

“I’d fucking hope not! This is the kind of shit that gets you institutionalized, Twilight! Jesus, why would you even—” Her horn lit up and I immediately stopped talking, because one of the chests opened. When it did, I saw something large, pink, and floppy. That’s when it clicked. “...Oh.”

Twilight started walking further in, to stand on the other side of the table. I didn’t move. “After… what we did with Luna, I started thinking about making this place,” she said, a small blush on her face. “It took me a while, but I eventually did. It didn’t get finished until after you had left, and even now, I’m missing a few… tools.”

“Congratulations, you built a sex dungeon. You went way past creepy and got all the way into disturbing.”

“Hey, it’s private! It can’t be disturbing if nobody knows about it!”

“You fucking showed me!”

“Well, of course. Who else is supposed to teach me?”

I blinked a few times. “You… want me to teach you? What, the ins and outs of BDSM?”

“Yes!” Should have seen that one coming. Always the nerdy ones.

“Well, get on the table,” I sighed, my wings sagging slightly. “Guess I can show you a few things.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You’re the one on the table, Nav.”

Oh boy. “That’s… a nice offer, Twilight, but I’m still on my period.”

“Nav, I heard you say you needed to… have sex. And you’ve been flirting with me all day! You can’t have it both ways. Either flirt with me and put out or don’t flirt at all.”

“Maybe you don’t understand what a period is. I’m bleeding from my vagina.”

“So? If we’re using toys, it won’t matter.”

“Twilight. That’s gross. Don’t be gross.”

“Oh come on! You let some fake vampony do it!”

“Uh huh, right. Fake. And I didn’t let her do it. It just sort of happened.”

“Then just let this happen! You know you’ll enjoy it.”

“Oh yeah, I will. And I’ll be happy to play with you later, when I’m not bleeding from my vagina. But right now, I am, and I’m not doing anything sexual. Give it, like, two days. But you have no idea what you’re doing as a dom, so I’m not going to let you experiment on me while I’m liable to get pissed off and in even more pain. If you’re really in that much of a hurry and you really want to experiment on a chick, I can go get Dash.”

She blinked a few times. “Why Rainbow Dash? She’d never let someone else be in control of anything!”

“Dude, she’s the biggest power bottom I’ve ever seen. Like, holy shit. She’s into all kinds of degradation. That said, she’s probably a little too advanced for you at the moment.”

“And she’s also my friend. I wouldn’t want to use her like that.”

“Oh, what, I’m not your friend? I see how it is. Fuck you too, Twilight.”

“That’s not what I—Why do you always do this?!”

“Because you’re fucking adorable when you’re flustered. I’m leaving now, Twilight. I’ll be back when my period’s over.”

I turned to go, but the door slammed shut. “I don’t think so,” she said. My hand immediately went to my pocket for the ring, but she stopped me and then turned me around. When I finally faced her, I found that she had a mean smile on her face. Then she slowly floated me toward her and planted a kiss on my nose, followed by whispering, “And you’re cute when you’re scared.” Finally, she dropped me. “See you later, Navi!” After that, she teleported out.

“...What just happened?” I quietly asked, not moving from my position on the floor.

“She just got you good,” Flo answered. “Well, assuming the door isn’t locked. If it is locked, then you just got rape dungeon’d, since you don’t have your key.”

I sighed and sat up, rubbing horse spit off my nose. “Here’s hoping it isn’t locked,” I muttered as I walked to the door leading up and out. Sure enough, it wasn’t. Moments later, I was out of the library and heading back to pretend to be a good father.

Well, I was trying to do that. I got halfway across town before another sphere of magic grabbed me, this one light blue. “There you are, Miss Navarone,” Rarity sweetly said from behind me. “We need to have a conversation, I believe.” Oh boy, here we go. “Come along, now,” she said, dragging me along behind her. When she actually turned me to face her, I noticed with some small amusement that she had a scrunchy around the dock of her tail.

“I can walk, you know.”

“Yes, yes.” Of course, she didn’t let me go. I wasn’t really expecting her to, even though I wouldn’t have actually run off. There was no stopping what was coming, only delaying it and making it worse.

When we finally got to Rarity’s garish abode, she quietly closed the door behind us and then casually tossed me onto her couch. “That wasn’t very polite,” I said, leaning over and rubbing at my aching ass. I had a knife and some other stuff back there that did not mesh well with being dropped.

“You’re right, it wasn’t. Now, I’m giving you a choice of three things, Navarone. Attend Fleur’s party in an outfit of my choosing, spend a day with me in Ponyville in an outfit of my choosing, or go to Fluttershy right now and apologize.”

“...Is killing myself an option?”

“After our time in the Antarctic, I am now aware that it’s possible for somepony to be resurrected. Should you decide that self-harm is an option, I shall see to it that you will be brought back, one way or another. So no, it is not.”

“What about… none of those? I mean, really now, what are you gonna do to force me? You’re too cute and cuddly to try to hurt me, and you already learned your lesson about that anyway.”

“The weapons of a lady are not those of base violence, Navarone. Should you fail to take one of my choices, I will make you suffer. Fluttershy told me who you chose above her and that it’s to be a secret. Loose lips can put that in the public eye. And when we leave again on that airship, I will be going with you, despite what we all think of the idea. But go I shall, and I will be most uncooperative. And so too shall most of the rest of us. Pinkie and Applejack, at the very least. Perhaps Rainbow Dash. I will spread what you did to Fluttershy, and that you did it knowingly. The others will support me. You do not want three unhappy mares aboard your ship, Navarone. That is not to mention what other harm I might do in the interim.”

My eyes narrowed very slightly as she named threat after threat. When she finally went silent, I slowly said, “What would a day with you in Ponyville entail?”

“I would find a very gorgeous dress for you and we would go on a spa trip, out for tea, shopping, and whatever else I might think of.”

“Well, good luck finding a necromancer,” I said, pulling out one of my daggers. She just impassively watched as I started to slam it into my chest, but was stopped by Flo yet again. “God dammit, Flo! You never let me have any fun!”

She answered using my own voice, so Rarity could hear: “I am not above letting Miss Rarity spank you, Navarone. You know she has to have experience with Sweetie Belle.”

“Indeed I do,” Rarity said with a nod. “And I can find a hairbrush quite quickly, I assure you.”

“Hah, jokes on you!” I said with a smirk. “I’d bleed all over you and get turned on at the same time!”

“What was that threat you made on me so long ago?” Rarity mused aloud, tapping at her chin with a hoof. “Was it perhaps to drag me into the market and spank me where all the ponies could see? Hmm, or would that turn you on as well? Maybe we should find out.”

“Oh, you’re no fun,” I sighed, putting my dagger away. “Fine, fine, I’ll go talk to fucking Fluttershy. Where is she?”

“At her home. Hopefully she’s no longer crying.”

“God, I hope so, too. I hate dealing with crying people. What exactly do you want me to say?”

“At this point, she knows full well that you knew about her crush on you, so you need to apologize for telling her in such a blunt way that you chose Celestia right after hugging her as you did.”

“Alright, that’s doable. Maybe not less painful than spending a day with you, but certainly less annoying and time consuming.” And reputation destroying. “I don’t suppose you’d want to come along for moral support?”

“If you need me to hold your hand while you apologize, I would certainly be willing.”

“I meant for her.”

“...She has her own sources of comfort. Speaking of which, I suggest staying in your armor when you go to speak with her. Some of her animals were… not pleased with what happened. Including her bear.”

“Her bear’s a dude, right?” She gave me the flattest possible stare she had for that. “Hey, if I got forced into having feminine wiles, I might as well fucking use them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have someone to go speak to.”

“You’re excused. For now. After you speak with Fluttershy, I also suggest you visit Rainbow Dash. I haven’t seen her since… the Pinkie incident. I would check on her, but I’m afraid I lack wings.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take care of that too. Unless her bear tears off my wings, anyway.”

“Oh, don’t be such a foal. Wings grow back!”

“...No they don’t. Or at least, they normally don’t. Mine probably would, eventually.”

“Then don’t be such a foal. I shall see you later, Navarone.”

“Right. Later, Marshmallow.” She hmphed at the nickname and slammed the door behind me when I finally got outside. “So, Flo, didn’t you say you wanted to spend more time in control?”

“Oh no, you aren’t getting out of this one, mister,” she said, probably shaking a watery finger at me. I sighed and started walking. “You just had to lead her on, even when I told you it was a bad idea. Well, now you’re going to own up to it. I’ll help you, but I won’t do it for you.”

After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?

“Helping you be a more mature and well-rounded adult? Yes, this is how I repay you.”

I never asked for this.

“You’re welcome.”

And I definitely wasn’t thanking you. She answered me with a cruel giggle. Though she wants it known that it was a cute giggle, thank you, and that I need to stop being a baby. I also want it known that I’m going to tear out your eyes if I catch you reading this.

It was a long, lonely walk to Fluttershy’s cottage all the way out on the edge of the Everfree. I could have and probably should have flown, but I didn’t want to go at all, so I really wasn’t in a hurry.

When I got in front of the forlorn cabin, I was having some very conflicting feelings. I knew that what I was about to do was a good and probably necessary thing, but I really didn’t want to do it. I also didn’t want it to be necessary, but I couldn’t help it if the ponies were fucking pussies. The eerie silence within and all around the place didn’t help my feelings in any way.

My hand slowly reached up to knock upon the door, my gauntlets echoing dully on the old wood. After the last polite knock, silence reigned for nearly fifteen seconds, before a quiet shuffling from the other side slowly got louder and the door swung open. On the other side was a large bear that only just fit inside Fluttershy’s small domicile. As soon as it saw me, it started scowling.

“Is now a bad time?” I facetiously asked. That scowl turned into a growl and the thing fell onto all four legs, an attack position if I ever saw one. “Is the Missus in?” I was only tempting fate, but I figured if he tried mauling me, I’d have an excuse not to have to talk to Fluttershy.

A small whisper from within stopped the bear’s slow advance on me. His head turned back and another tiny whisper came out. He sniffed and turned his head back to me, standing back up on his hind legs. When he was at his full height, one of his paws gripped my shoulder and his head leaned in. Since he most definitely had my attention at that point, the claws on his other paw pushed out and he poked me in the chest with one finger, then raised that finger to his throat and slowly drew it across, presumably telling me he wanted to cut my throat. With that message given, he moved out of the way and used the paw on my shoulder to thrust me inside.

Fluttershy was lying across the couch, a despondent expression on her face, though she didn’t turn to face me. She was holding what I assumed from the glare to be Angel, cuddling him tightly. Strangely enough, there were no other animals present. She apparently noticed how my gaze sought for them despite not looking at me, and sadly said, “With nopony to care for them, most of my critters left… A few stayed nearby.”

Flo, is it too much to ask for you to just stop my heart right now? Given her lack of response, I could only assume yes. “That… sucks. Listen, Fluttershy—”

She finally actually turned to me, her normally warm teal eyes now dull and empty. Despite myself, I stopped what I was going to say, so she took that as a sign to speak. “Do you want anything, Nav? Tea, maybe?”

“...I’m fine.” I sighed, my shoulders and wings sagging. “Fluttershy, I’m really sorry about—”

“It’s okay, Nav.”

“Oh, really? And here I was, thinking you’d be upset. Maybe get really sad, mope about in your house, have your bear try to scare everyone away. But no, if you’re okay, that’s cool.” She looked away again. “Fluttershy, my people… My family didn’t deal with problems. I’ve known for ages that you had a crush on me. Hell, I figure you never lost the crush you had from before the first time we had this talk. I just… didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought all you wanted was to ‘fix’ me, to change me, and I didn’t want anything to do with that.”

“Everypony needs comfort,” she whispered, still not looking at me. “Everypony needs love. Everypony needs somepony to care for them, Nav. And you’re so… different. So unlike a pony. I thought… we could be outsiders together.”

“But you’re not an outsider. You’re just an introvert living in a very extroverted place. I can’t deny that it makes you different, but it doesn’t make you an outsider. If you were actually seriously looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you could find one within days. You’re beautiful by pony standards, extremely nice, good at cooking, and you have that cute, shy girl thing that a lot of guys just adore. I understand that you’re probably afraid, but just because you’re afraid of those you consider ‘on the inside’ doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid of people like me, actual outsiders. And it definitely doesn’t mean you should consider me the only viable alternative, especially given how bad of a person I am.”

“You’re not—”

“Fluttershy, I am an awful, awful person. I have my moments, but look at what I just did to you. There was no excuse for that, and it wasn’t until after the fact that I ever considered it might be a bad idea. Hell, the only reason I’m here right now is because Rarity threatened to do awful things to me if I didn’t. That’s not the kind of person you want anything to do with. There ain’t no one that can fix me but me, and I’m not in any hurry.”

Her eyes slowly closed and her head slumped down on the couch.

“If…” I stopped, looking away. “No. No ifs. I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I really, really am. I’ll… see you later.” The house was once more wreathed in absolute silence as I slowly walked to the door and let myself out.

After finally extricating myself from Fluttershy’s humble abode, I slowly spread my wings and leapt into the air, wanting to get away from that depressing business as quickly as possible. Judging by Flo’s complete silence, I suspected I probably screwed up. That wouldn’t really be surprising. I am, after all, a terrible person.

Since Rarity’s instructions were still guiding my mind, my wings took me to Rainbow Dash’s floating manor. The place was, somewhat surprisingly, exactly where it was supposed to be. It seemed that not even a few months of neglect could make the thing shift from its position. I wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that she had Twilight anchor it in place with magic or something silly like that.

When I finally landed, I knocked on the door. My hand went right through it, since the place was made of fucking clouds. After I realized that, I just let myself in. “Dash, you here?” I called, not wanting to intrude on her doing anything inappropriate with Gilda when I wasn’t willing to join them.

There was no response, so I continued walking in. The place looked about as clean as it normally did, which meant she was probably either there or had just been there recently. I figured if she was anywhere, at that point, it would probably be her bedroom.

And sure enough, that’s where she was, gagged and tied up in some very sexy lingerie with a few buzzing toys stuck in places. She looked up at me with a massive blush on her face and moaned.

“Alright, give me two grunts for ‘I wanted this’ and three for ‘Oh god please help’.” She grunted twice. “Oh, good. Gilda? One grunt is yes, I guess.” She grunted once. “Hot. Does this have anything to do with the Pinkie thing?” Another grunt. “Alright, cool. Rarity just wanted me to check on you, since we hadn’t seen you since yesterday. Tell Gilda I said hi when she lets you go.” She grunted one more time as I turned to yet again let myself out.

But I stopped and turned back, then walked up to the bed. She eyed me with well-founded worry, since I took all the controllers attached to the toys and turned them up.

“Have fun, Dashie,” I said as I turned to go again. This time, however, there was someone waiting in the door.

“Going somewhere?” Gilda asked with a brutal smile, holding up a long string of rope. I met her smile with my own.

Twenty minutes later, I left Dash’s house with an even bigger smile on my face, an extremely unhappy Gilda tied up next to a smugly satisfied Rainbow Dash. When I left, she was buzzing more than Dash, though I had to do some things I wasn’t proud of to find all the toys needed for that. I also left a note for a certain friend of ours.

Since I didn’t have any desire to be on ground zero when Gilda was untied, I stopped by the library after leaving. When I got there, the new librarian was still just chilling at the front desk he set up. “Do you know if Twilight’s here?” I asked.

“I am hardly her caretaker, Lady Navarone,” he said, not looking up. “If she is, she’s probably upstairs.” I shrugged and started walking to the stairs, but he continued, “And the next time you depart, please do not forget your things. This is a library, not a storage facility.” When I looked back at him, he was pointing to the bags and my helmet I left sitting next to the door.

“Oh yeah. Totally forgot about those. Yeah, I’ll grab them when I leave.”

Twilight was thankfully sitting in her room, writing something down. She barely spared me a glance when I walked in, though she actually looked up when I started talking. “Rainbow Dash is baking a cake or something,” I said. “She said she wanted you to try it when she’s done, since you gave yourself wings and all.”

“...Rainbow Dash is baking?” she asked, one of her eyebrows lifting.

“I know, I was surprised, too. She said it should be done in about three hours, and to just let yourself in since she can’t really hear anyone knocking and sound doesn’t carry well through clouds.”

She shrugged. “Alright, I guess. Though why she wants me of all ponies to taste it, I don’t know.”

“I know, right? I guess she just doesn’t like the rest of us enough. Or maybe she’s just planning a surprise for them and she knows how well you can keep secrets. Either or. Anyway, I need to go rescue Taya. See you later.”

“Right. See you, Nav.” As soon as I left her sight, the biggest smirk possible spread across my face.

Flo just sighed.

When I got downstairs, I grabbed the shit I left on the floor and departed, finally heading back to Vinyl’s house. I was hoping I would actually make it that time, and I finally fucking did. That was good, because I was really tired of being in that black dragon armor in the summer sun.

When I got inside, I saw a visibly pained Vinyl watching Taya work her music tables with the exact opposite of proficiency. The noises coming from them could at best be described as unique. At worst, I’d say they were one of the most painful things I’ve ever listened to. I was very grateful my ears weren’t as sensitive as a pony’s.

Since I absolutely refused to listen to that longer than necessary, I walked over to them and flipped the off switch. Vinyl actually visibly slumped in relief and Taya finally looked up from the no longer spinning records. “Sorry it took so long,” I said. “I got sidetracked a lot more than I wanted to.”

“You need to learn to start saying no.”

“But then life wouldn’t be as much fun. You want to go do something after I get changed?”

“We could go practice! Though you might not want to get changed if we’re gonna do that…”

“Taya, it’s fucking hot outside, in case you didn’t notice. I don’t want to be running around in this armor in the heat while also bleeding from my vag and cramping.”

“You’re so lazy, daddy. Wanna just go on a walk, then?”

“Works for me. You want to come with us, Vinyl?”

“...No thanks. I uh… I need to rest my head for a bit.” She seemed kinda winded after the pain Taya put her through, so I wasn’t really surprised.

“Alright. I’m gonna go get changed, then. I’ve been in this armor for far too long.” While I was walking further into the house, Vinyl fell back onto the couch, both hooves going to her forehead to gently massage it. Taya finally hopped off the bench behind the music table and did who knows what.

When I got up to my room and removed the armor, I looked over the clothes I had grabbed. I shouldn’t have been as tempted as I was to put on a skirt and blouse and just let all the ponies find out about what happened, but I really didn’t want that to happen just yet if I could fix it. Given that, I just threw on some normal clothes. At the very least, I was happy to be out of my armor and without as many heavy weapons weighing me down.

Soon enough, I went back to the living room, where Taya was staring at Vinyl, who was making a very pointed attempt to not look away from the ceiling. As amusing as that was, I didn’t really want to watch them, so I just gathered up my daughter and departed, letting Vinyl rest in peace.

When we got outside, Taya said, “I don’t think she liked my music.”

I guess you could call that music, for a given definition of music. “Can’t win ‘em all. And you also can’t be good at something the first time you tried it. Remember starting out at magic?”

“Yeah. It… was difficult. I guess music’s the same way.”

“Everything is. That’s the way of the world.” We went silent for a few seconds before I asked, “So, is there anything in particular you wanted to do?”

“Not really.”

“Alright. Want to get tickled?”

“...Not really, no.”

“Okay, just checking.” And so we started walking through the town, perusing the carefree peasants as they went about their day. Well, until we were accosted by another filly about two hours into our long fucking walk.

“Nav, you’re back!” Scootaloo yelled, pouncing from her speeding scooter onto my face. That immediately sent us both onto the ground before Taya could catch us, which at the very least gave me a chance to realize that Scootaloo was just glomping me instead of attacking me.

I did a quick body check and realized that I wasn’t damaged or hurt at all, which meant that pony physics were in effect. Since I was fine, I just patted her on the back and said, “Sure am. Kinda figured you woulda seen me by now.”

“We’ve all been in school until now,” she said, letting me go and sitting on me instead, a big ol’ creepy smile on her face. “And we really need your help, too!”

“We who?” I asked, knowing what she was going to say and already dreading the answer.

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders! Or ex-Crusaders. I don’t think we ever came up with a name… But we need your help!”

Ugh. “What do you need?” I sighed.

“We have a new friend that needs you,” she said as her tail started to swish back and forth. If I still had a penis, I would be a lot more concerned about that, but it wasn’t too problematic at the moment. “Just come with me to Applebloom’s farm!”

“...This new friend wouldn’t happen to be Applejack, would it?” I asked. “Because if Applejack needs help, she’s just gonna have to deal with it for a few days.”

“I said new friend, Nav! Now come on!” She finally hopped off me and galloped over to her scooter. She was buzzing off before I could even get to my feet.

“So we’re just gonna keep walking, right?” Taya asked.

I sighed and started following Scootaloo, hating myself on the inside for it. Taya also sighed and joined me. Of course, Scootaloo’s gotta go fast, so she didn’t even try to wait for us. We continued on at a more sedate pace, taking much longer to get to the farm.

When we finally made it, none of the three girls were anywhere in our immediate field of view. The only one that I could see from the front of the farmhouse was Big Mac, who was for some reason plowing a field. He didn’t even look up when we got there, but he did when we approached him. “You see Applebloom or Scootaloo anywhere?” I asked.

“Eeyup. They’re…” He blinked a few times and his ears twitched. “Y’all alright?”

“Just peachy. Or apple-y, whatever you guys say here. Scootaloo just said she needed my help, and… What?” The way he was looking at me, I figured I had something on my face or was bleeding and just hadn’t noticed it.

“You uh… your voice ain’t right.”

“Oh, yeah. I kinda got cursed and turned into a girl. My voice is higher because I have a vagina now instead of a dick.” His eyes widened and a large blush immediately spread over his face. “Yeah, I was pretty angry, too. I assume they’re in the clubhouse?”

“G-girl?” he said.

“Yeah, girl. Mare. Female. Ass and titties. Vag. No dick. You know, like your sisters?”

“I uh… I…”

“Don’t tell me you can’t talk to girls.” His eyes shot away from me and his ears lowered. “Ugh. Are they in the clubhouse?” He shook his head. “Well, great. Where are they?”

“B-b-barn…”

“Thank you. Come on, Taya.”

We both turned to go to the barn, but Big Mac actually stammered some more stuff out. “Y-you smell n-nice…”

Oh god. “Thanks, Big Mac. I’ll see you later.”

“Y-you too.” Thankfully, he actually let us leave that time.

We didn’t get all the way to the barn before we were accosted by yet another one of the Apple clan, with Applejack coming out of the house to walk to us. She met us a few meters away from the barn. “You need something, Nav?” she asked.

“Scootaloo pounced on me in town and said she and the others needed my help for something,” I said with a shrug. “I have no clue what it is. Hopefully it won’t take long and it won’t involve cutting off my fucking toes. Big Mac said they were in the barn.”

“Alright. You and Taya are welcome here, of course. But if I find out you’re hittin’ on my brother, there ain’t nothing out there that’ll keep you safe from me.”

“First, I’m not gay. I may occasionally partake in the dick, but only because my body really needs it and only when the giver is good at it. Second, tell him that, not me. He told me I smelled nice, which is awkward farm boy talk for ‘you’re hot, let’s bang’. Third, he’s your brother and you already don’t like me. I really don’t want you hating me. Fourth, isn’t he a fucking virgin? I’m not about to take that from him, especially since it would be boring for me.”

She shrugged. “Don’t know if he’s a virgin or not. Ain’t none-a my business. I didn’t figure I’d need to give him this talk, but I reckon I ought to, now. Have fun with the girls, Nav.”

“Yeah, right. Fun. See you later, AJ.” She tipped her hat as we went back to entering the barn.

Before I could actually push the door open, though, Taya said, “Why did you say Applejack doesn’t like you, daddy? She’s never said anything like that to me.”

“Applejack is, unlike most of her friends, a relatively mature adult,” I said. “Because of that, it took me a while to realize that she really, really doesn’t like me. She manages to tolerate me because I’m not a complete dick and I haven’t done anything mean to her or her family, but for some reason, she just absolutely does not like me. I think it’s because she’s the element of honesty and I’m a dirty, dirty liar.”

“I think you just like being a victim.”

I tousled her hair and opened the barn door, entering the comfortably cool shady interior. Inside were three familiar fillies and a pudgy orange one that wasn’t as familiar. They all looked away from the giant pumpkin in the middle of the barn and toward me when I stepped in. The familiar ones all smiled in delight and started bouncing toward me. The unfamiliar one just gaped, her eyes going wide.

“What took you so long?” Scootaloo asked, stopping right in front of me. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both continued to either side of me to hug me around the waist.

I put one hand on Applebloom’s head and one on Sweetie Belle’s. “It’s hot out and I wasn’t in any mood to get sweaty, so I just walked. Also, Taya’s really out of shape so she can’t really run for long anyway.” Taya scoffed while I knelt down and dragged all three of the fillies up in a hug, making them giggle in delight. Now, I didn’t really like kids, but I wasn’t going to go out of my way to be a dick to them. Especially since those three were the only fillies that didn’t show too many signs of creepy crushes on me after what Luna did. “So who’s this?” I asked, looking at the one I didn’t know.

“That’s mah cousin, Babs Seed!” Applebloom said, pulling away from my hug and trotting to her. Scootaloo also pulled away from me since she likes to pretend she’s ‘too cool’ for that stuff, but Sweetie Belle was content to stay in my warm grasp. “Babs, this is Sir Navarone. He gave us our cutie marks!”

“You know I’m not a knight anymore, Bloomers,” I said. “And I didn’t give them to you. I just helped you realize what your talents were.”

“Details,” Scootaloo scoffed, waving a hoof. “What matters is that you can do it for Babs, too! What’s her special talent, Nav?”

I patted Sweetie warmly on the back before letting her go and standing so I could walk over to Babs. “It’s hard to tell anything about her when she can’t even tell me hello,” I said. “I know I’m not that scary, am I?”

“You’re not scary at all!” Sweetie happily said.

“I… know you,” Babs finally said, letting me hear her god awful accent. Oh, you poor thing. What is that, Jersey? New York? Jesus.

“Well, I’m kinda famous,” I said. “I’ve been in a few papers, I think. And in a few magazines. It’s not too surprising that you’ve heard of me.”

“No, I… I remember you from… somewhere…”

There will never be an end to the hate I feel for you, Luna. “I don’t know from where,” I said with a shrug. “I haven’t been to many pony cities on the continent outside of Ponyville and Canterlot. Unless you’re secretly a changeling, I don’t know how you’d know me.”

Scootaloo impatiently broke in, thankfully. “Know you, shmo you! What’s her special talent, Nav?” The other two leaned forward, smiling in glee.

“I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest,” I said with a shrug. “I knew the three of you for months before I figured it out. I just met Babs here and I don’t know enough about her to be able to even guess.”

“She likes—” Applebloom started, but stopped, a confused look on her face. “Er… What do you like, Babs? I guess we uh… we never really asked…”

“That’s definitely the most important step of finding your special talent,” I said. “But even if I do know what she likes, I can’t help you. Remember, I got in a lot of trouble for helping you three. I don’t want to make even more people upset.” The three of them sighed and kicked at the floor in disappointment. “Yeah, it’s a shame. I wasn’t able to tell Taya what hers was, either.”

“You didn’t even know, daddy.”

“Didn’t I, though?”

“No, you didn’t. You didn’t even want it to be in combat magic!”

“Taya, your cutie mark is two lightning bolts, not combat magic. We’ve been over this.” She sullenly muttered some stuff that I pretended not to hear while I looked back to the girls. “Either way, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

“What if Applejack said you could?” Scootaloo answered, hope infusing her voice.

“I still wouldn’t, in case someone else got mad. Besides, that would take away all the fun you could have trying to find it with her.”

“...Most of what we did kinda wasn’t fun,” Sweetie Belle awkwardly said, scratching at her neck with her hoof. The others looked away and nodded.

“But you had fun doing it together,” I said. “And that’s what’s important. You three wouldn’t be such good friends without those experiences, would you?”

“We probably wouldn’t be friends at all!” Applebloom said, suddenly more excited. “Nav’s right, girls. We should help Babs ourselves!”

“Yeah!” the other two shouted, presumably happy to find something they can do together.

“You can help!” Babs quickly and somewhat nervously said, flashing me a flimsy smile.

“She’s right!” Applebloom said. “We were just putting the finishing touches on our float for the Summer Harvest Parade!” Her southern twang got especially bad on those last few words, making me almost flinch. I didn’t know if it was from nostalgia or just feeling sorry for her.

Either way, I regretfully knew what I had to do. I somehow summoned a smile onto my face and said, “How could I turn down those cute smiles? Of course I’ll—”

Before I could finish, the barn door slammed open and a very irate Twilight stepped in, glaring at me. “You’re coming with me right now, mister!” she yelled, grabbing my wings with magic and dragging me out.

“Well, maybe later, girls,” I said, trying and probably failing to sound regretful. “But Taya will stay to help!”

“What? I never—”

“See you later, Nav!” the three girls called, with Sweetie Belle wrapping a leg around Taya’s shoulders. Given that Twilight and I teleported away after we got out of the barn, Taya wasn’t able to follow us anyway.

We didn’t get too far, though. Twilight pushed me onto one of the beds in Applejack’s house before I could even realize where we were and held me there with magic. “What is wrong with you?” she asked, trying not to yell.

“A lot of things,” I said. “Can you be a bit more specific?”

“You left Rainbow Dash and Gilda tied up with… TOYS in them!”

“That’s only kind of true. True, I did leave them like that, but Dash was already tied up when I got there. Gilda tried to do that to me, but I was wearing armor and turned the tables on her. Didn’t you see my note?”

“It’s not even my birthday!”

“It said happy early birthday. Come on, Twilight.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not my birthday. But I am in heat. And after that, I need something to help me. So I hope your tongue isn’t bleeding either.”

“I never—” She shut me up by jumping on top of me, her sopping wet crotch right in my face.

“Get to it!”

Ugh, the things I do for friends.

Some unknown amount of time later (and an abrupt entrance by a confused Big Mac wondering just what all that moaning was, followed by another ‘nope’ session), Twilight finally let me go. “Now I hope you learned your lesson,” she said as she hopped off me.

“That mares in heat don’t take kindly to the idea of consent?”

“That friends don’t tie up friends and shove toys in them!”

“So… only do that to strangers? Got it.” She slapped me with one of her butterfly wings, which was funnier than anything else. “Wrong lesson?”

“You are the most perverted… being I have ever known. I hope you’re proud!”

“More than you could know, Twilight. More than you could ever possibly know. Applejack did let you use these beds, right?”

“Yes, I asked. I suppose she didn’t tell Big Mac, but then, I also didn’t tell her what we’d be doing on them.” She shrugged. “I’m a little burnt out on shame. I think you’re rubbing off on me.”

“But I don’t have a dick anymore. I can’t rub off on you!”

“And on that note, I’m going back to the library. I will see you later, Nav.”

“You call me the pervert and here you are fucking me and leaving. I see how it is.”

“Like I said, you’re rubbing off on me.” She used her magic to slap my ass, winked, and teleported away before I could say anything.

“I’m a terrible fucking influence.”

“But it’s fun,” Flo said. “And isn’t that what matters?”

“I suppose. Think I should find a bathroom before hunting down my daughter?”

“Absolutely. Your face is uh… wet.”

“Here’s hoping I can find one, then.” I left the room and immediately bumped into Big Mac on the other side. I just can’t win, can I? As soon as he saw me, his face got even redder and his eyes jerked away. “Thanks for watching out for the fillies, Big Mac. I wouldn’t have wanted them to hear or see that. Unfortunately, a certain horny pony just couldn’t contain herself. Can you point me to a bathroom?”

He very loudly gulped and slowly pointed to the right, still not looking at me. I started walking, fully expecting him to say something. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t. Because of that, I didn’t mention the very large boner he had been completely failing to conceal. It wasn’t hard to understand why, given Twilight’s juices all over my face. Ponies quite like their hormones, after all.

With his mostly useless directions, finding a bathroom was relatively easy. I washed up as well as I could without taking a shower, then set off to find my filly. Thankfully, I completely avoided both Applejack and Granny Smith. I didn’t want to see Applejack because she might be mad at me for getting pseudoraped by Twilight in her house and I didn’t want to see Granny Smith because she was weird and annoying.

I figured the girls would still be in the barn, but they sure weren’t. The big pumpkin float thing was still there, so I knew they hadn’t fucked off in it. My second guess was their clubhouse thing, so I took to the air to find it. Sure enough, that’s where they all were. Taya was looking about as uncomfortable as she usually does when she’s with other people and I’m not there. Babs was doing her best to talk to her, but Taya was doing her best not to say much, it seemed. The others were presumably brainstorming fun things to do with Babs to help her get an ass tattoo.

“Well, I survived,” I said, formally announcing my presence. Babs and Taya both looked up with hope in their eyes. “Did you finish the float?”

“It was already mostly done,” Scootaloo said with a seemingly nonchalant shrug.

“It’s definitely done now, though!” Applebloom said.

“But we would have liked your help,” Sweetie Belle sighed.

“Blame Twilight,” I answered with a shrug. “You know how she is sometimes. Anyway, Taya, do you want to stay here, or would you like to go help Vinyl?”

She blinked a few times, not knowing anything about Vinyl needing help, but she eventually nodded and said, “I uh… I think she… needs me? I should go with you.”

“Then I’m afraid we have to go, girls.”

All four of them “Awww’d” at that, surprisingly enough. I don’t know if they were sad that I was leaving or that Taya was leaving, though.

“But we didn’t even get to play together!” Applebloom said.

“I know, I know. But Vinyl did say she needed my hands and Taya’s magic for something. Since we’re staying with her, it’s only fair that we help.” They all sighed, so I said, “But I might be at the parade. You can see me then, right? Well, you can see me from your float anyway.”

“Yeah! We’ll be at the front, of course,” Scootaloo said. “I made sure that this thing can move!”

“...As long as you’re careful,” I said. “Anyway, we need to go. I’ll see all of you later.” Taya immediately jumped up to my side, happy to get away.

Before we could bail, though, Sweetie Belle asked what I had been waiting for one of them to ask the entire time. “Wait, before you go, is something wrong with… your voice? You sound different!”

“Yeah, about that… Well, long story short, I made enemies with a demon and he cursed me, turning me into a mare.”

“You’re… a mare now?” Scootaloo asked, her eyes going wide.

“Well, I’m a female human, essentially. I don’t like talking about it.”

All four of them looked very confused, but Babs broke out of it the quickest. The confusion on her face went straight to abject disappointment, which hopefully meant that I murdered the shit out of her crush on me.

The others weren’t so sad, though. “So… can we play dress-up next time?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“You won’t have any clothes to fit me, silly,” I said, tousling her hair. “I’ll see you girls later.”

And just like that, the three of them got over it. “Bye Nav!” they called, waving. With that, the two of us left and I resolved to avoid them as much as physically possible.

About half a kilometer down the road toward Ponyville, Taya finally asked, “So what did Vinyl need help with again?”

“I was lying.”

“...Oh. I thought so. Just checking.”

“Taya, lying is wrong.”

“Okay, daddy.” She pushed up against me the rest of the way to Vinyl’s pad.

Time for a message from your sponsors!

It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? I’ve been a busy little god of chaos, too. Stealing the elements, placing them all over the world, setting traps, setting traps off, making deals…

Putting all the pieces in place.

Most things were going according to plan, as they are wont to do. Those that weren’t were being corrected. Locals on one popular island were riled up. Locals on another were completely ignored, because some would recognize me. I didn’t even have to touch locals on the last island, since they were in a perpetual state of war anyway.

All in all, everything was going just peachy.

Which was dreadfully, horribly, frightfully dull. Especially since the heroine of our story is currently sitting and waiting on her perky little rear.

So I decided quite quickly that it was time for an indirect intervention, using my new ‘favorite’ pawn. It was time for a magic duel, though I imagine Trixie’s opponent wouldn’t be using much herself.

Unfortunately, Trixie is nearly useless, and would need a few extra days to prepare. I suppose that would give our protagonist long enough to escape her yucky bodily functions, though, so at least the fight would be slightly less biased.

Not that I really expected Trixie to win, of course…

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One—Trixie's Challenge

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-One—Trixie's Challenge

Time passes strangely quickly when you have nothing to do. It seems somewhat counterintuitive, I know, but having two days of absolutely nothing going on was… amazing. I didn’t even have anyone trying to jump my bones, aside from a very pissed off Gilda. She was trying to hurt me more than anything, but I… dissuaded her.

The Summer Harvest Parade went off without a hitch, though I didn’t go. Staying inside and being lazy was easier. It also helped me avoid more fillies (and possibly colts, for all I knew) that had crushes on me, since pretty much everyone from the town was there.

The day after the parade, one good thing and one bad thing happened. The good thing is that my period ended. I was heading to Twilight’s library when I was informed of the bad thing, by the mare I was looking for.

“Hey Twilight, can we go back to the library?” I asked. That should have been enough of a hint for her, but she shook her head.

“We don’t have time,” she rather gravely said. “We need to talk. In private. Where are you staying?”

“With Vinyl. What’s going on?”

“Lead the way to her house. This is important.”

I sighed and started walking back to the house. We were about halfway to Vinyl’s pad, so it would take us a few minutes. “Well, my period’s done,” I said. “So whenever we get this out of the way, we can celebrate.”

“If today had gone differently, that would be right on the top of my list of things to do.” She shut up after that and I figured I wouldn’t get anything else out of her.

Must be something that’s actually important. Just fucking great. It didn’t take us but a few minutes to get to Vinyl’s house. Very thankfully, Taya was gone for the moment, off to Rarity’s house for some chores. Namely, to get some of my clothes fixed.

Being a parent is nice sometimes.

Anyway, I led the way to my room. “So what’s going on?” I asked.

“...Have you been painting?” she asked.

“Yes. You said there was something important?”

She blinked and shook her head, looking away from the painting. “Fluttershy’s been kidnapped.”

My hands both went to my sword and I pulled it free. “Let’s go kill some bitches, then.”

She grabbed my hands with magic and shook her head. “It’s not that simple.” A scroll appeared next to her and floated over to me. “Read this.” She let both of my hands go, so I put the sword away and opened the scroll.

Trixie has taken your yellow friend. If you want this useless pony back, come to my new castle. Trixie believes you know where it is. Bring your pet ape. Know that Trixie works with a powerful being now, and he is watching you. Should you attempt to tell anypony what Trixie has done, or bring anypony else, Trixie will make sure your yellow friend never sees the sun again. You have two days.

A short tuft of pink hair was taped to the bottom, presumably from Fluttershy. I looked at it for a few seconds before my head slowly tilted back up. “You’re certain this is Fluttershy’s? And that she’s actually been kidnapped?”

“That’s definitely Fluttershy’s hair,” Twilight grimly said. “And Angel brought me this letter. We’ll check her house before we go for sure, but… I think we have to go.”

“It’s quite obviously a trap.”

“But we can’t let Fluttershy get hurt.”

I sighed and nodded. “I know. Who’s Trixie and why does she hate us?”

“...Really? You don’t remember?”

“The name rings a bell, but that’s all I can say. It’s been a long few years.”

“She’s the blue unicorn we did a silly magic competition with a few years ago. She tried casting her own spell, which went out of control. She’s the reason you have wings.”

“Oh yeah! So she’s still alive, huh? And she’s after us now. Twenty bits says that powerful being is Discord.”

She snorted and said, “No bet. Not that we should be betting about that anyway. What do you suggest we do, Nav?”

“Go in armed to the teeth. Straight up murder her as soon as we can. No talking, no competing, no cooperation. Straight up execute her.”

“...I don’t like that plan. Nav, she may be… working with Discord now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be convinced to turn against him. If she is working with him, she knows him. We need to know what she knows. I definitely agree that we need to be ready to fight, but I don’t think that should be our first choice.”

“She kidnapped Fluttershy, Twilight. This is a very high risk situation. Knowledge is good, but do you really think we should risk letting Fluttershy get hurt?”

“Fluttershy’s our friend, but we’re talking about the fate of every sapient being on the planet. I don’t want to risk letting her get hurt, but learning more about Discord might be worth it.”

“...Did Aqua feed you that line?”

“No. She doesn’t agree.”

“Unfortunately for her, I do. We can… try reasoning with her first. But if she starts attacking, all bets are off. I’ll happily put that bitch down. Now, how are we going to get out of town without getting followed? You know Taya’s gonna want to go.”

“Then don’t tell her you’re leaving. Just leave her a note. She can’t follow us if she doesn’t see us leave.”

“Absolutely fucking not. I may be a terrible father, but I’m not going to go into a possibly dangerous place without at least telling her myself that I’m leaving.”

“Even though you know she’ll probably try to follow you when you tell her it’s dangerous?”

“Psh, I never said I’d tell her that. I’ll tell her… part of the truth. Go back to the library and get ready. I’ll meet you there once I speak to her.”

“Be careful with what you say, Nav. If Discord’s really watching us—”

“I know he is. He manipulated Taya into almost getting me killed a few months back. I don’t think he’ll mind too much if I tell her just part of the truth.”

“...You’re going to explain that on the way. Get ready quickly. I’ll be at the library.” Before I could respond, her horn lit up and she teleported out. As soon as she bailed, I started packing up. Two sets of clothes went into a bag, along with a few knives. My armor went on, since carrying it in a bag would have been annoying. Then I grabbed my sword, gun, the magazines for it, and all the rest of my knives. When I was geared up, I swung the cloak over my shoulders, grabbed the bag, and went on my way.

Well, until I bumped into Vinyl in her front room. “Whoa. Is there a fight happening or something?”

“Or something,” I said. “I’m really sorry, but can you watch Taya for a few days? Something came up and one of my friends is gonna get murdered if I don’t go deal with it.”

Both of her eyebrows shot up. “Well now, can’t really say no to that, can I. What’s going on?”

“I can’t say. Being watched. Don’t tell anyone what I just said, either.”

“My lips are sealed. But that friend better not be Octavia. Or anypony else I know and like.”

“It’s not. I’ll see you when I get back. And uh… Taya might not be too happy.”

“I’ll keep her entertained. Just… Well, she’s technically legal, but—”

“Hell no.”

“Just checking. Good luck, Nav.”

“I’m afraid I’ll need it. Later.” With that, I let myself out and started walking toward Rarity’s fancy boutique. All the ponies definitely gave me stares with my scary armor, but my helmet was on my belt so they could all tell it was me. That put them enough at ease that they all smiled at me. I don’t know if that should have been reassuring or not, but I definitely didn’t return their smiles. A friend in danger didn’t really seem like cause to be in a smiling mood.

I made it to Rarity’s gaily decorated abode quickly, since none of the ponies that saw my face decided to stop to try to talk to me. There was no reason or time to knock, so I channeled my inner JRPG character and let myself in. Rarity was merrily sewing some shirts and talking to Taya, who was lying on the couch looking bored out of her fucking mind. I didn’t stop to listen to what they were talking to, of course.

“Taya, I need to leave town.”

They both looked up, but Taya reacted first. “When are we leaving?”

“I as in me. Not you.”

She just scoffed.“Real funny, daddy. So yeah, when are we leaving?”

“I as in if you go, someone will literally be murdered.” For some reason, Taya still looked pretty determined.

Rarity’s eyebrows shot up at that tidbit, though. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“I can’t talk about it. And you can’t talk about it either.”

“I most certainly can! I—”

“The person I am going to save will be killed if this is spread. This person is more your friend than mine. Keep your mouth fucking shut. Taya, Vinyl knows I’m leaving. You can stay with her or with someone else, but if I catch you following me, I’m going to tan your hide so red that Big Mac will think you’re his long lost sister. And then you’ll be grounded for at least a year.”

Rarity’s eyes narrowed slightly and she said, “I hardly think threats are necessary, Nav.”

“When you become a parent, by all means, govern your child as you’d like. Taya, do you understand?” Her teeth were grinding, so she just nodded. “Trust me, I really want to take you. And given the choice, I’d bring a fucking army. But a life is at stake and I’m not going to risk it. Don’t worry about me,” I said, tapping my armored chest. “I’ll be very well protected.” With a magic blocking ring, magic resistant armor, and Twilight.

“But not by me.”

“Unfortunately, no. Now…” I swooped in and pulled her into a hug before she could even try to fight back. She took it like the little hug slut she is, and even returned it as hard as she could. Oh yeah, I bet you like that, don’t you. Take all the cuddles, you good little girl. “I love you,” I whispered. She whispered something I couldn’t hear back. I pretended (and hoped) it was a proclamation of her own love and let her go. “I’ll see you when I get back, Taya.”

“Okay, daddy,” she sadly said.

I turned to go, but Rarity asked, “What, no goodbye hug for moi?”

“You already said you don’t like the vag, so no. See you when I see you.”

“Hugs and friendship should hardly rely on such base urges to exist, Nav.” I lifted an eyebrow. “But fine. Be that way.” She turned her head up at me, so I just started walking. “Hm… Perhaps I shall bring your daughter when Fluttershy and I go on our spa trip!”

Good fucking luck. “Up to her,” I said as I opened the door. When I turned to shut it behind me, Taya was grimacing in distaste.

With the most important part of leaving completed, I started going to Twilight’s library. I withered several more stares before arriving. Twilight was in the front room, some saddlebags on her back. “You ready?” she asked.

“We’ll need to pick up some food before we leave,” I said. “And we’d move a lot faster if you gave yourself wings again.”

“We would, but that spell is very draining. I doubt Trixie has been idle in the five years it’s been since we last saw her. I want to be ready for anything, so we’ll go the long way.”

“Fair enough. We’ll still need food.”

“I already got some, though I uh… kinda assumed you wouldn’t be eating. If you think we’ll need more, we can stop by the market before leaving.”

“I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”

She nodded and we both stepped out and were immediately set upon by Pinkie. “So where you going?” she happily asked, bouncing up and down right in front of us.

“A place you can’t follow,” I said. “And I’m saying that to the serious Pinkie you have in there, not the regular one. Don’t follow and don’t ask.”

She immediately stopped bouncing. “It’s something big, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Twilight confirmed with a nod. “And we can’t tell you more.”

“Then I’ll keep Rainbow Dash distracted until you’re too far away,” Pinkie said with a large smile. “Though I think Gilda’s doing a pretty good job herself.”

“Just in case,” I said. “I have a feeling she might follow me to the ends of the world if she thought I was leaving without telling her again.”

“Probably!” Then she pounced forward and pulled us both into a hug. “Good luck! And I’ll see you both when you get back.” And with that, she let us go and started bouncing away.

I readjusted the rifle’s strap and started walking. Twilight joined me immediately and so began our journey. Many tales could be written and songs could be sung over the deeds and words we shared on that trip. The bond between us grew and grew as we got closer to our destination, though we never really got as far as we could have. But truly, our journey was epic.

All too soon (about ten minutes later), we were standing outside of Fluttershy’s house. “That walk always seems to take so long,” I said as she knocked on the door.

“You just like making everything dramatic,” Twilight answered as we waited. After a full minute with no answer, we let ourselves inside. “So what are we looking for?”

“Fluttershy. Most of her animals fucked off while we were on the airship, so I doubt she’d be with them. I’ll check upstairs. You look out back.” She nodded and started walking to the kitchen. I went up the stairs and poked my head in her room.

Right there on the bed was Trixie, lying in what a lesser man might consider an alluring pose. What remained of her horn was floating in a horn-like shape over her forehead, almost like a lava lamp. Her skin seemed to be stretched tighter than it should have been and I swear her legs had more joints than they were supposed to. Her eyes looked mostly empty. Strangely enough, the creepiest thing was her complete lack of facial expression.

“I’m looking forward to our date, ape,” she said with a warm, breathy voice. “Your precious friend will be kept quite safe, I assure you.”

“I think she’d be a little safer if she was on that bed instead of you.”

“Perhaps. Get here soon. I can barely wait.” And just like that, she disappeared, leaving not even an impression on the bed behind. I went back down the stairs and then out back.

“She’s not out here,” Twilight said when I stepped out.

“Yeah, I know. Trixie was in her room.”

“What?! She didn’t hurt you, did she?”

“No. But it’s too late for her, Twilight.”

“How can you tell?”

“Her eyes were empty. No sign of expression on her face at all. Something inside of her checked out a long time ago. There’s no telling what Discord did to her.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I was afraid of that…”

“It… actually is kinda sad,” I said, patting her back. “Trixie seemed like a bitch, sure, but not an evil one.” Then I shrugged. “Oh well. Let’s go kill her real quick and grab Fluttershy.”

“You are far too comfortable with this.”

“That’s only because Flo doesn’t let me have nightmares anymore. If it makes you feel any better, I can watch your dreams after we deep six this bitch.”

She started blushing, and said, “Given what happened the last time you were in my dreams, I’m not certain I want you there.”

“Hey, you had fun!”

“I do not want to sleep with Celestia and Cadance, thank you very much!”

“Tch. Coulda fooled me, the way you were moaning.”

That made her face turn an even brighter red. “Anybody would moan, the way Celestia was—I’m not having this conversation! Let’s just go!”

“Alright, fine. Do you remember the way to the castle?”

She sniffed quite noisily and started walking off, her nose held high. I followed, chuckling.

“So can you at least tell me the theory?” Twilight asked. “We can’t really… practice right now, but I couldn’t find many books about it.”

“There probably aren’t any books about it, not unless you feel like visiting Athena. And that bitch scares me, so no thanks. But yeah, I guess we could talk about it. Anything in particular you wanted to know?”

“Just start from the top. Pretend I don’t know anything.”

“Alright, I guess. BDSM is all about respect and boundaries.”

“The one on bottom respecting the top’s orders?”

“Other way around,” I said. “The dom absolutely must respect the sub and all of his boundaries. It’s a relationship that only works and is only fun when the dom doesn’t push their authority too far. Pressing against boundaries is fine, but breaking them can seriously hurt the sub, both physically and mentally. You have to establish all of this beforehand. That’s one of the reasons I said Dash might be a little too advanced for you.”

“But if the… dom is in charge, why don’t they get to set the rules and boundaries? That seems so counterintuitive.”

“Because, again, it’s all about respect and having fun. If the dom just does whatever he wants, it’s pretty much rape. The sub probably won’t have any fun and will likely be traumatized. That’s why you have to know what they want and why you have to be ready to stop the moment they use the safe word. Let’s put it this way. Say I still had a dick and started fucking you in the ass, raw.” Her eyes went wide. “I might enjoy it, but you’d be begging me to stop immediately. You wouldn’t like that one bit, but I’m the dom and I don’t care what you want. How likely would you be to do anything with me again?”

“...Not very.”

“Precisely.”

“But… isn’t the point of the dom to be in control? How is that really in control?”

“The sub gives the dom power within a limited range and with a killswitch to make sure the dom doesn’t go too far. The dom still very much has the power in that situation, but it’s a limited power. It lets both parties get off.”

“That’s… a lot different than I thought it would be,” Twilight slowly said.

“You don’t even know the half of it. Wait until we get into what kind of knots are safe to use versus what kind will leave your partner half-dead.” I almost sighed when she magicked forth a pen and some paper to take notes.

“So has Aqua raped you yet?” I asked.

“No. She says that’s gross and that if I want to get off, I should just tell you.”

“...So she straight up refuses to actually get you off, even when you’re in heat?”

“I didn’t even think to ask her then, actually. And she says that she wouldn’t because it’s unhealthy. I should apparently get a special somepony since that would be better for me.”

“Man, I’m glad Flo isn’t that reserved. Though it can be pretty annoying when she asks to borrow my body to have sex.”

“I only did that once!” Flo quite indignantly said with my mouth.

“And you never said no the other times I offered,” I said with a smirk.

“...It was an interesting experience,” she petulantly answered.

“Aqua wants to know how it’s possible for a host to corrupt an elemental.”

“Now that’s not fair,” I quickly said. “Flo’s the one that asked me for sex when I first met her. If anything, I bet she’s the one corrupting me.”

“Oh, you wish,” Flo said, again using my mouth. “I know you have a corruption fetish. I bet you’ll be wet the entire time you’re fighting Trixie.”

“There’s corruption and then there’s corruption,” I said. “Turning little miss blueberry over there into an abomination is horrifying. Turning Twilight’s bookwormy ass into a professional dom is hot.”

“...Please never say ‘bookwormy ass’ again,” Twilight said. “That gives me… all the wrong images.”

“Fair enough.”

“I still don’t see why you won’t let me ride you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“You’re wearing armor, Nav. And I’m not really used to physical exertion. You should know that.”

“I know, but I offered to take it off. I mean, I’m not heavy. I’m pretty much fucking skeletal. Hell, the only reason I haven’t straight up starved to death is because of Flo and this stupid tree thing.”

“...You’ve been like that for so long I forgot what you actually look like when you’re healthy.”

“Yeah, me too. But Taya’s trying to get me there again, don’t you worry. The point remains, I’m not fucking heavy. You could easily carry me and barely even notice.”

“Or you could stop being such a foal and just deal with it. You made this walk before without complaining.”

“Well, yeah. That was before I got wings. Now, fuck walking.”

“I don’t like it either, but you don’t see me complaining!”

“Yeah, but you have four legs. That distributes your weight a lot better than just my two. Your legs start hurting half as quickly as mine do.”

“I’m still not letting you ride me.”

“What if I promise to scratch you behind the ears?”

“...Maybe for just a few minutes.”

“And then she shoved her horn right up my—”

“Ugh, why are you still talking about this?!” Twilight groaned from under me.

“Hey, you’re the one that asked why Celestia always spends so much time with me,” I said, shifting slightly to keep my balance. Lying on her back was hard, but not impossible. I don’t think she really liked it, but being able to see the setting sun was neat.

“I meant more generally! You didn’t have to tell me what you did to her the last time you saw her…”

“What I did to her? Psh. She wishes I had a horn for that. I gotta say, it’s pretty fucking amazing what a horn can do when you put it right against the g-spot. I’m gonna have so much fun when I get my dick back. One of the few good things about being a chick for so long is finding out what really, really gets them off.”

“Sometimes I wonder what else is going on in that mind of yours, aside from sex and violence.”

“Not much,” Flo said with my mouth.

Nobody asked you. “Disregard her,” I said. “She still hasn’t quite learned her place.” And just like that, Flo shot my right wing out, knocking me flat off Twilight’s back and into the dirt. “No respect, I fucking swear.”

“Aqua says you need to respect yourself before expecting it from others,” Twilight said, using magic to pick me up and set me on my feet.

I didn’t reply.

“So who gets first watch?” Twilight asked when we were setting up camp.

“Nobody. Put up a ward and we’ll let Aqua and Flo just listen. They can’t sleep anyway.”

“That seems… irresponsible,” Twilight said.

“The last time we came this way, we didn’t even bother with a ward. Hell, this looks like it’s pretty close to the same place we stopped, too. We’ll be fine.” Given that we were in a large clearing in the middle of one of the most peaceful forests I had ever seen, I wasn’t expecting too many problems. It’s not like we were sleeping on top of an ancient human burial ground or anything.

“...If you say so,” Twilight sighed, shrugging. Then her horn lit up and she pulled out a sleeping bag. “So are we going to tell spooky stories and make smores, or should we just go to bed?”

“I’d probably make you piss yourself if we started telling stories. Let’s just go to bed.”

She shrugged yet again and laid the sleeping bag out. “Good night, then. Sleep well, Nav. Though… isn’t it summer?”

“Yeah, kinda. I’m not going to be staying awake, though. Flo can put me out, and even if she couldn’t, I could just enter the dream realm anyway.”

“...Right. Forgot about that. Well, sleep tight.” With that, she slipped inside of her little bag thing. I quickly slid out of my armor and then removed all the clothes I had under it before sliding in behind her. “...Nav, what are you doing?”

“It’s gonna get fucking cold tonight, and if you think I’m not gonna take advantage of an adorable source of warmth that likes cuddles, you’re outta your mind.”

“...Good night, Nav.”

“Night, Twilight.”

“You need to cook anything?” I asked in a pause while brushing my teeth.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” Twilight said, stretching. “I definitely could cook what I brought, but I think we should get moving sooner rather than later. I also definitely think you should eat, but I could hardly make you.”

“And you already said you didn’t bring anything for me and I also didn’t bring anything for me. If I get hungry, I’ll just grab a squirrel or something.”

She shivered slightly and used magic to pull an apple out of a bag. “So are you going to get dressed any time soon?”

“Eh. I was wrong about it getting cold last night. I was nice and toasty against you. I think I’ll bask in the coolness for a while, unless you really can’t stand looking at my naked body.”

“If that was the case, I’d just bend some shadows around you so I didn’t have to see it. I was more concerned with mosquitoes. Didn’t they get you bad last time?”

“Last time I wasn’t half tree. The bastards barely notice me anymore.”

“Lucky you. The few of the buggers that get through my coat are so annoying.”

“Tell Aqua to fix their bites up for you. It’s just a chemical reaction in your skin, so she can easily stop that shit. And turn your blood toxic while the mosquito is suckling, to kill it.”

Twilight’s eyes went unfocused as she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” … “What do you mean, it builds character? That’s sadistic!” … “Oh come on, that was one time!” … “Yeah, well what about the time you—Oh, I know you didn’t just bring that up!” Her eyes moved to mine. “Can I trade elementals with you?”

“Aqua, stop being a bitch. You’re stuck inside Twilight for now, so you should start helping her instead of being Celestia 2.0. I know you didn’t really want a host all that much, but you have one now. Start making the most of it, at least until we meet back up with your main body.”

Twilight’s eyes turned blue and she asked, “Did Flo say that, or were those words of wisdom from the human?”

“Don’t hardly matter who said what,” I replied, grabbing my panties from where they had been dropped. “Good advice is good advice and wisdom is wisdom. It was me that said it, but Flo sure didn’t disagree.” After checking the pearly white panties for any kind of bug, I started pulling them up. “So take a chill pill, calm the fuck down, and start actually helping Twilight. She happens to be a friend of mine, so if I find that you aren’t being as nice to her as you should be, I’m going to spank you so hard that parts of you actually turn red.”

“It amuses me that you must always resort to threats, Navarone,” she said. “Especially when they have no basis in reality.”

“That ain’t the sound of you being nice to your host.” Her eyes rolled once before returning to purple. “You done eating?”

Twilight blinked a few times before shivering. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that…” Then she looked over to where her apple had been floating before Aqua took over. It had fallen to the ground with no magic to hold it. She sighed and used magic to throw it further into the woods, since it was now covered in dirt. “At least I brought more…”

“So, you ready for the weirdest news you’ll probably ever hear?” I asked.

“I rather seriously doubt that,” Twilight said. “But given that it’s coming from you, I imagine it can’t be all that normal.”

“Your doubt disappoints me. Anyway, Taya seriously wanted my dick.”

She stopped and her entire body jerked toward me. “What?!”

“No shit. When she went into heat the first time, she literally begged me to fuck her.”

“That’s horrifying! Why would she ever want that?”

“Well now, that’s just insulting!”

“Ugh, you know what I meant! You’re her father, Nav!”

“She didn’t know what incest was. Even after I explained why there was no way in hell I would, she begged me for it. I gotta say, that was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever dealt with as a father.”

“...Why would you even tell me about that?” she asked.

“You always talk about being my friend and being there for me, Twilight. Friends tell friends weird shit, don’t they?”

“I know, but… I know…”

“Yeah. You, Celestia, and Cadance are the only ones I’ve told. I actually had to spank Taya to get her to stop trying to seduce me. And even then, I think she only stopped because she was afraid and not because she realized it was wrong.”

“Do you think I should… say something to her? Try to tell her why it’s wrong?”

“At the moment, it doesn’t matter. I don’t exactly have a dick to give her. Also, Cadance already tried. And wouldn’t that be hella awkward?”

“Yes, but not as bad as her trying to… do things with you. Especially with as strong as she’s gotten. If she really tried, she could probably make you do anything she wanted.”

“There’s more to authority than raw strength,” I said. “Being strong helps, but she would never even try to do that to me. Still, if you think it would be a good idea, feel free to talk to her. Just do it circumspectly. I’d rather not give her the idea that anyone else knows. I figure that would be embarrassing.”

“It would be. Of course I’ll be discreet. Though I have to say, I never thought I’d have to talk somebody out of incest again.”

“...Again?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So, really, how many… people? How many people have you had sex with?” Twilight asked.

“Shit, I don’t even know. I guess it also depends on what you count as sex, and if you count stuff that you don’t really remember. Let me think…” Flo whispered something, so I repeated it, “A little less than twenty-five, depending on what you count.”

“What about the stuff you don’t remember?”

“Then it probably jumps up to around eighty-five.” Her eyes went wide and she gaped. “That was a major orgy. I was drugged for it, so I have no idea what or who I did. I just know there were a ton of ponies left in the room when I woke up and left.”

“And you didn’t report that?!”

“Nah. I probably enjoyed it. Or at least, judging by all the dry fluids on me, I did.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, it kinda was. But I’m not nearly as much of a whore as I’m made out to be.”

“...Twenty-five is a lot.”

“To you, maybe. How many have you had sex with, Miss Twatlight Spankle?”

“Two, technically.”

“You poor girl. I can arrange an orgy for you, if you want.”

“Ugh. No thank you. It’s bad enough you did that to me in my dreams.”

“Hey, I behaved myself last night!”

“I woke up to you thrusting your hips against mine several times!”

“...Flo, what the fuck were you doing with my body.”

“That’s none of your concern,” she answered in my head.

“And you call me a pervert,” I muttered. Twilight giggled. Flo didn’t respond.

Finally, we stood gazing upon the burnt-out shell of the castle we had been to so long ago. My arms were crossed and I was staring at it, contemplating just why Trixie would pick such a bad location for a fight. Twilight was staring at it worriedly.

“So what do you think we should expect?” Twilight asked.

“She knows we’re coming. She presumably knows about my ring. She knows you’re Celestia’s student. She knows we’re pissed. I say we should expect the worst. Including true magic, since she’s been studying under Discord.”

“...I don’t know how to counter that.”

“Killing her would probably work.”

“Do you think protective spells would help?”

“I’ll be wearing my ring. Hopefully I won’t need more than that. You’re free to use some spells if you want on yourself, though.”

“It would definitely make me feel better,” she said, her horn lighting up. After a few seconds, she grimaced. “I forgot that this is where she messed up that new spell. Magic is still behaving oddly here.”

“Even after so long?”

“New spells are very powerful. There’s a reason they’ve been banned without a group of at least five master magi to review them. The magic around this area could be strange for generations.”

“Strange doesn’t mean impossible.”

“Correct. However, the flows are… different. It’s like I’m trying to… knit a scarf, but the colors of the thread I’m using keep changing. Getting in a magic duel here would be difficult.”

“Then let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Lord knows I don’t want you throwing a rubber chicken at her instead of a fireball.”

“...Maybe she’d laugh so hard it breaks her concentration.”

“Always nice to stay optimistic, yeah,” I said, tousling her hair. She flipped it back into place with practiced ease and started walking toward the castle. I stepped up next to her immediately, drawing my rifle and pumping it. “Think we should go for the invisible bait and switch again?”

“Do you think she’d buy it?”

“Good point.”

“Also, you might want your helmet.”

“Even better point.” I always forget that damn thing. I pulled it from my belt and slid it right on, though. “So, how traumatized do you think Fluttershy’s gonna be?”

“That’s a question I really don’t want to think about. If Trixie’s been… doing things to her, very. If not, it shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Here’s hoping, then,” I quietly said as I lifted my rifle up so I could peer through the scope. “Courtyard’s clear.” Then I thought of something and clicked on the thermal, making sure there wasn’t anything invisible waiting for us there. It was also clear. “If she doesn’t actually approach us, want to just try to get Fluttershy and bail? If we can get in and out quickly enough, we can get Celestia here to nuke this place.”

“That seems like a good plan, minus the nuking part. Princess Celestia could definitely get Trixie to surrender. Or capture her, if it comes to that.”

“So look for Fluttershy, pop blueberry in the head with a bolt if we see her, and get out as quickly as possible. Want to place bets on it going wrong?”

“Not particularly.”

“My money’s on it going to shit as soon as we step inside.”

“Please keep your pessimism to yourself,” Twilight sighed, her head lowering slightly.

“Fair enough.” We were getting close to the portcullis anyway, so I figured talking might give us away. I zipped my lips and readjusted the rifle against my shoulder. It was pretty much ready to fire, though it was hardly a comfortable fit given how fucking long the thing was.

As soon as the two of us got into the courtyard, the gate actually collapsed behind us. Twilight looked back in shock while I raised my rifle up, looking around the courtyard for a target. The place was barren, but surprisingly not overgrown. I wouldn’t say it was well-kept, but it had been given some kind of attention recently.

I absolutely do not like this. “Inside?” I quietly asked as I shifted my aim slightly to the large doors leading into the keep proper.

“Just a moment,” Twilight whispered, her horn lighting up. I heard a few subtle clicks and part of the keep started glowing brightly. “There. That’s a hidden door.” She started walking to it, but I shot my hand down in front of her to stop her.

“What do you think she’s gonna expect we do? Why would she put a secret entrance out here for herself if the main entrance is right there? If she wanted to go somewhere specific in there, she could just teleport.”

“...Don’t you think there’d be a trap in the front door, too?”

“Oh god yes.” I opened the valve on my rifle to let out the pressure, then popped the mag and the round so I could set it to shotgun mode. “If there’s something a little more physical on the other side, we can take care of it.”

“I really want to study that thing when we get back.”

“I’ll think about it. Front door?”

“Front door. Though I still think this is a mistake.”

“Noted.” We both started walking toward the front door, so I pushed the mag back in so I could use it as a regular weapon as soon as I needed. When we got up to it, Twilight gently pushed them both open with magic so they wouldn’t make any noise.

While the outside was somewhat kept up, the inside was very obviously burned out. There wasn’t any furniture left and the wooden floors were rotting in some places and burned in others. Even the rock walls look like they had been partially melted.

We shared a short look before stepping in together…

…And appearing somewhere completely different. Instead of a creepy old woman’s wet dream, we appeared in a large circular arena. The sky above us was a pallid blue with no source of light, but I could see everything perfectly fine. After a second or two of looking around, I realized that there were no shadows, no exits, and no one else there.

Well, until a few more seconds passed and a small explosion of sound happened in the very middle of the arena. Right after, Trixie appeared in the flesh on a stage that slowly started to rise from the ground. “Welcome to Trixie’s world!” Trixie happily called from the middle of the arena, jumping up to her hindlegs and waving her forehooves up in the air. Somehow her voice carried all the way to us, even from where she was standing. Shortly after she said that, she fell back down, a vicious smile on her face. So why wasn’t she smiling earlier?

“Where’s Fluttershy?” Twilight yelled from where we were standing, taking a half-step closer to Trixie.

“Oh, you will get your yellow friend back, as soon as you fight Trixie and her favorite pet!” A few of the fragments of her horn lit up and she summoned forth the shape I remembered as her alphyn friend, the one that absolutely hated her. The poor bastard was wearing a collar, but I was too far away to see what it said. “Phinny, it’s time to play!” He growled at her before turning toward us, baring his teeth.

“Trixie, please, there’s no need for this!” Twilight said. “If you just come with us back to Canterlot, we can—”

“It’s far too late for Canterlot, horse!” Trixie screamed. The fragments of her horn started to float faster as she got angrier. “Ponykind abandoned Trixie, so Trixie abandoned ponykind! Trixie has new friends now! Better friends!”

“Please! Celestia can—” Trixie answered with a fireball. Twilight struggled to raise a shield fast enough, but I was already firing at the alphyn speeding toward us. The focused air smacked him in the face and threw him back several feet. I slammed the slide back and racked a round, pumping the rifle quickly for a more lethal shot.

As I figured, a column of earth shot up in front of the alphyn, blocking my shot. The creature bounded right through it, crushing the stone. I was kind of expecting that to stop him, so I was pretty fucked given that he was only a few feet away and closing faster than any normal dog could.

Twilight was currently preoccupied with dodging ice arrows and throwing a lightning bolt, so I slid into a fighting stance and waited until the alphyn was right on me. I quickly slammed the rifle butt right into his face, letting all of his momentum slam the gun right out of my hands and also crush his nose. He didn’t actually stop, though, and slammed me to the ground. However, being in a lot of pain meant he couldn’t actually pay attention long enough to hold me down.

I rolled over and practically jumped to my feet, just in time to avoid a lick of flame shooting from his mouth. The gun was useless at that range and it was several feet behind me on the ground, so I whipped out my sword and brought it down on him. Sadly, he jumped to the side and swiped at me with his talons. Unsurprisingly, they did nothing with my heavy armor.

Before I could swing at him again, Twilight slammed into him from the side, making him emit a very dog-like yelp, and an arc of lightning hit my blade. Normally, that wouldn’t be much of a concern since the armor I was wearing wasn’t metal. However, something Reginald said came back to me right around the time the electricity hit my armor.

Dragons and lightning don’t get along.

The electricity lit up my entire body like a fucking Christmas tree. The only reason I didn’t die offhand is because the arc was just a passing blow, something sliding off Twilight and onto my blade. However, it still made me drop the damn thing and I smelled my feathers and hair singeing.

Flo shot a surge of adrenaline and dopamine into my body to help me ignore all the pain and grab the sword anyway, just as a burst of sound so loud it might as well have been a force hit me, throwing me back and probably giving me some permanent hearing loss. I turned to face Trixie and saw that she was either laughing or trying to talk. Since I couldn’t hear a fucking thing she was saying, I had no idea which.

I was still wearing my ring, so technically speaking, I was protected from magic. I guess no one told her that, though, because that lightning and sound both tore me up. Still, I started charging her, hoping she’d use something on me that I could block.

Sure enough, she tried a fireball on me. Between my fire resistant armor and the ring, it burned away against me quickly and easily. Her smile dropped slightly, but then she tried something else. When nothing happened, I assumed it was a telekinetic spell that completely failed. At that point, I was just about twenty meters away, so I was hoping I could get there before she did something that could actually affect me.

Unfortunately, she did, throwing up a shield of earth over and around me. However, it was very thin, so I sliced through it with my sword and broke the rest with my charge.

...The charge that took me right into a fucking boulder flying at me. It slammed me backwards, almost making me lose my grasp on the sword. The rock lifted above my head for another blow, but a magical pickaxe slammed out of my head into it, breaking the rock above me.

Twilight slid to a stop right next to me, throwing a shield up while I struggled to stand. She blocked something from Trixie while I turned to check on the alphyn. He was quickly charging us for round two. A bright flash from right behind me told me Twilight hopefully teleported off, giving me all the room I needed. I lifted my sword and started charging as well, wanting to throw the creature off with a new tactic of sorts.

Apparently it was also fond of showing off. I veered left at the last second and held my sword out to slice the thing in twain. Unfortunately, it slid under, using its talons to try to take out my legs. If I had still been charging, it would have worked perfectly. As it was, we both did really cool looking but very ineffective moves. He was on his feet and facing me by the time I could turn around and get ready to fight.

He said something or snarled, and Flo translated because apparently she can read lips: “I want her dead as much as you do!” Before I could tell him to throw some friendly fire her way, he shot a blast of fire right at my face. Even with a closed helmet and fire retardant armor, I instinctively ducked, missing whatever he said next because I wasn’t looking at him.

Since he was gonna be like that, I took a defensive stance. “What can we do?” I asked, trying not to sound too retarded since I couldn’t hear myself.

“Try not to die,” Flo translated. “Duck.” I dipped down without even thinking about it. Trixie flew over my head, propelled by who knows what. Before I could thank him, he pounced at me, going for my face. I dropped the rest of the way to the dirt, hoping he’d soar over me.

I had no such luck. Instead of passing me completely, he decided human wings sounded like a good snack, and started chewing on one of those since they were unarmored. Before he could do more than bite into one, Twilight threw him off me with magic.

I have to say, of everything that could have happened because of that, what actually happened was exactly the opposite of what I needed. The blood from my wing mixed with the blood from the alphyn’s broken nose and started dripping down onto my armor. From the dark carapace I was wearing came a dark, evil laugh. I felt dozens of pin pricks in my flesh as what felt like needles poked into me.

A dark red filter came over everything I was seeing and I could feel the helmet start to change shape around my head, the nose growing and becoming more bestial. My hands went unbidden in front of me and started pushing me to my feet.

Flo, what the fuck are you doing?!

“This isn’t me!” she yelled. “Your armor is… it’s possessed!”

“What the fuck do you mean, possessed?!” I yelled, forgetting to say that in my head. Whatever was controlling me finally stood tall and looked down at my hands, bending them and turning them over to get a better look.

“I don’t know. This armor… It’s made from a zombie!”

“God fucking dammit, Spike!”

Seemingly satisfied, the armor bent down to grab my sword from its resting place. I caught something in my peripheral vision coming straight toward me. The armor saw it too and waited until the alphyn was close to snatch it by its throat, lifting it up despite its momentum and weight.

The armor seemed to chuckle at the monster’s struggling. “This one is a suitable subject,” it whispered from the front of the helmet. “Master will be pleased.”

The alphyn didn’t like that one bit and used its remaining breath to blow fire right at my wings. That hurt me a fuckton, but the armor didn’t seem to care. It lifted my sword up to stab it, but another arc of lightning hit the sword’s tip before it could hit the thing. Of course, that shocked both me and the alphyn, but it also seemed to break the armor’s hold on me.

The needles seemed to withdraw from me and I regained control over my body. By that point, though, control didn’t matter too much since I was still getting fucking shocked. The flow was much longer this time, at what felt like an eternity but was actually only five or so seconds. As soon as it stopped, I let go of the sword and the alphyn, dropping to my knees and then face. The only reason I didn’t hit the dirt is because I happened to land on the alphyn.

I was too far gone at that point to be of any use to anyone, so Flo didn’t even bother trying to get me back up. Hell, I could feel the blood from whatever the armor had done starting to leak out and pool in my armor. It was all I could do to keep my eyes on Twilight and Trixie as they fought. The alphyn was a comfortable enough pillow for that, at least.

It was definitely Trixie who used the lightning against me, because she was turning back to Twilight when I was able to actually see shit again. Of course, Twilight hadn’t been idle, throwing spikes of purple light Trixie’s way. They were all bouncing off some kind of shield, though.

As soon as Trixie was facing Twilight again, she finally retaliated, throwing a disc of some kind. Twilight didn’t waste energy on a shield, jumping aside and letting it soar past her. My eyes watched its path and how it started to turn as it spun until it was finally coming at Twilight’s back. Before I could try warning her, it deflected harmlessly off a transparent shield Twilight had apparently put up around herself.

Once again, she hadn’t been just waiting, and shot a masterful lightshow up in the air that made Trixie flinch back. Twilight had been expecting it, and cast some kind of sound spell right above me, making the sound of something drawing a sword. Trixie turned my way again, the pieces of her horn glowing to finish me off, when suddenly a wave of earth lifted up behind her and blocked a horde of beetles that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

They started scrabbling around the ground, trying to get through or around it, when Trixie turned back and saw what had transpired. She collapsed her earth shield backwards, crushing all the bugs and turning back to catch a blast of water right to the face. That confused her until Twilight followed it with a very strong and cold wind.

After a second of thought or surprise, Trixie pushed back with a large burst of hot air. Twilight’s eyes narrowed and a grim smile appeared on her face as she exerted more pressure on the cold air. Trixie licked her lips and pushed back as well.

Ten seconds later, a fucking tornado started forming on the arena floor. Twilight nodded and suddenly shot more air at it, pushing it toward Trixie. Trixie smiled and blew a blast of cold air on it from the side, pushing it at us. I could already feel it starting to pull me across the ground. I instinctively tried to wrap my arms around the alphyn to try to stabilize myself, but I wasn’t strong enough. Surprisingly, though, it wrapped its talons around me instead.

As soon as Twilight realized what Trixie was doing, she immediately stopped her flow, trying to kill the tornado. Trixie saw that and increased the power she was sending it. Twilight threw up some kind of magic wall between Trixie and the air, trying to kill the tornado without having to actually blow it apart from the inside.

Unfortunately, that seemed to distract her from the real threat. Trixie took advantage of the moment and grabbed a rock right next to Twilight. When she found that it ignored all the shields, Trixie simply smacked her in the back of the head with it. Thankfully for me, the tornado immediately died. Not so thankfully for me, Twilight passed the fuck out, leaving us the losers since I couldn’t even stand.

Enough time had passed that I could at least hear some things again, since I heard the alphyn quietly say, “She wanted you both alive. We’ll take her down when she least expects it.” I really wanted to reply to that, but Trixie finally looked at me with a smile that made me very uncomfortable, and started walking toward us.

“Trixie has been looking forward to this for a long time, ape,” she said as she walked closer. “Good boy, Phinny! Your mistress will have to give you a nice treat when we get these two back home.” The alphyn didn’t respond. “And don’t you start thinking you’ll be escaping, ape. Trixie knows you didn’t tell anypony where you were going, and you’re blocked from being magically tracked while in Trixie’s keep.”

“So you won,” I whispered, trying to get my broken body to work. “What do you want? Ransom? Power? Celestia won’t give you shit.” She would be very interested in getting all three of us back, though.

“Oh, Trixie knows she won’t. But Trixie already won what she wanted. You and your mistress. Well, ex-mistress. You’re Trixie’s, now.”

“And what are you going to do with us, huh? Kill? Torture?”

“Hm. Trixie hasn’t quite made up her mind. But first, she must ensure her two new pets don’t die. Phinny, remove the ape’s armor while your beloved mistress tends to Twilight.”

The alphyn carefully set me down as he stood, standing over me. He made no sound as he started pulling my armor off, starting with my helmet. “So what now?” I asked when Trixie was standing over Twilight.

“Welcome to suffering,” he said, pulling off my boots. He grunted when he revealed several holes in my pants. Thankfully, there wasn’t too much blood, which hopefully meant the wounds were superficial more than anything. At least, the ones caused by the armor instead of him.

About ten minutes later, all of my armor had been completely removed, leaving me to face the world in my regular clothes. He even pulled off my ring, and set it on top of my sword. When he was finished, Trixie dumped an unconscious Twilight next to me. Before I could ask what she was going to do to us, parts of her horn lit up very bright and the ground around us dissolved, turning into a dungeon in what I was assuming was a burnt-out keep.

“Phinny, take the ape to Trixie’s bedchambers. Trixie shall… deal with him there.” Oh my god, she still thinks I’m a dude. I kinda wanted to tell her, but the alphyn was already lifting me onto his back. I hadn’t noticed it until then, but that dude was definitely larger than your average pony. The only reason I kicked his ass in the fight is because of my armor.

Unfortunately though, the fight was over. He carried me through the halls that had been very richly appointed with what I could only assume were magically spawned items. I tried to study them as much as I could to get the probable impending rape out of my mind.

Well, no, I doubt she’d touch me when she finally realized I was a chick. She’d probably just have me dragged back to the dungeon. Either way, I didn’t want to think about it.

“Your yellow friend is safe,” Phinny said after a few minutes of silence.

“Fluttershy?” I for some reason asked. It’s not like I expected Trixie to have captured another yellow friend.

“The yellow one. I don’t care about her name. She’s safe.”

“Probably scared out of her mind.”

“Asleep. That blue horse said her master commanded it. The yellow one doesn’t even know she was taken.”

“That’s… weird.” He didn’t reply. Given that he said his kind rarely talks, I suppose I should be surprised he said as much as he did.

But we were also coming up to a much fancier area with better lighting and plenty of blue flowers in blue vases. I could only assume that was the precursor to Trixie’s room. When he pushed open a door right in the middle of all that blue, I was proven correct. Finally, he set me on the floor next to her very plush four poster bed. Also blue, of course.

“What, I don’t even merit bed privileges?” I joked, trying to take my mind off things.

“She would be very unhappy if your blood soiled her bed. You wouldn’t like her when she’s unhappy.”

“I don’t like her now.”

“...Be careful of what you say and where you say it, ape.”

“If you call me ape again, I’m going to start calling you Phinny. My name’s Navarone.”

“I shall call you whatever she commands. I suggest you do the same for me.”

“I have a feeling these next few hours are going to be really, really shitty.”

He didn’t reply, so I just tried making myself as comfortable as I could with holes all in my body and crispy, featherless wings. Needless to say, that wasn’t very comfortable.

I somehow managed to feel even more uncomfortable when Trixie let herself in about ten minutes later. “Phinny, leave us! Wait outside of your mistress’s door.” The alphyn stood up and walked right out. The door slammed shut behind us and Trixie walked right to me. “Trixie is going to heal you, ape. If you attempt to attack her, Trixie will add on to Twilight’s punishment. Trixie suggests you do not attempt to attack her.”

Ugh. “I won’t attack you, mistress,” I sighed.

“You learn quickly, ape. Good.” Parts of her horn lit up and she pressed her forehead against my arm, sending a wave of very soothing relief all through my body, though it didn’t help my feathers regrow. As much as I wanted to jump up and kick her shit in, I was more defenseless than usual without my ring. She pulled away and said, “Rise.” I slowly stood, trying not to make any sudden movements. “Trixie remembers what you did to her hair, ape,” she said with only a small tinge of bitterness. “And Trixie remembers her promise to make you forget all about your precious Twilight Sparkle. Lie on the bed.”

I achingly sat back onto the bed, then pushed myself away from her until I could lie flat on my back. She jumped up and positioned herself on top of me, smiling deeply. I knew exactly what was coming before she kissed me. That was a fight I knew very well, so I kissed her back, catching her off guard. She pulled away and I almost stopped her with a hug, but decided that wouldn’t be wise.

“Well well well, it seems the rumors Trixie heard were true! You truly have become insatiable, ape.” She smiled darkly. “Trixie will put those rumors to the test.” One of her forehooves started tracing down my chest. “Let’s see what you bring to the table, first…”

It went lower and lower and I felt a smile coming unbidden to my face as she finally reached down my pants and felt… nothing. There was a short moment of complete silence as she tried to process what just happened. Finally, she pulled her hoof away and jerked my pants down with magic and spread open my legs.

“You’re a mare?!”

I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling, but she was too shocked to punish me. “You can blame your bastard master for that one,” I said. “Discord turned me into a chick and left me like this.”

“But Trixie thought… How can… PHINNY!” The smile on my face only grew when I realized she was shit out of options. I was hoping she’d just throw my ass back in the dungeon or whatever, but at her glare, I realized that very likely wasn’t going to happen.

The alphyn quickly entered the room, anyway. “Yes, mistress?” he calmly said, the first words he had said to her yet.

“The ape is a mare!”

His eyes slowly turned toward me, and looked at my spread legs with apparent disinterest. “I know. I knew as soon as I smelled her.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?!”

“You did not ask, mistress.”

Trixie started grinding her teeth very noisily before turning back to me and noticing the smile on my face. She practically snarled and turned back to the alphyn. “Trixie promised you a treat! This ape is yours. Take her back to your room and mate with her to your heart’s content!”

Oh god, what? HELL NO!

I immediately lifted my legs and started to use them to grab Trixie, but her horn lit up and stopped me. “Remember, ape,” she warned, glaring down at me. “If you attempt to hurt Trixie, Trixie succeeds at hurting Twilight.” She threw me off the bed without a backwards glance and said, “Take your prize away, Phinny.”

He lifted my passive form up and put me on his back yet again. As much as I really wanted to fight back, I couldn’t do a thing while Trixie watched. He started walking out.

Right before we passed through the door, though, Trixie said, “Wait.” Phinny immediately stopped. “Trixie almost forgot.” She floated a necklace over toward us. When it got close enough, I saw that it was a collar. She locked it around my throat with a harsh click. The pendant on it immediately lit up with a pale blue light. “Now leave Trixie.”

Just like that, we finally got out. The door closed behind us and I immediately reached up to pull the necklace off, but the alphyn said, “Don’t. It’ll hurt. A lot.” I decided that taking his word for it was better than actually trying and didn’t bother.

“So, what? You’re going to rape me?” I asked.

“I have absolutely no desire to have sex with you,” he said.

“That’s… good. And somewhat insulting, but also good.” I slid off his back and pulled my pants up so I could follow him. “So now what?”

“Now you follow me,” he said. “And I suggest you keep up. Our shared mistress is watching.”

Well, she can eat a dick. But not mine, because I’m currently without one. Thank god for that, too. Finally did me some good.

Anyway, we continued in silence until we got to the alphyn’s room. I was honestly surprised she even gave him a bed, though it wasn’t really much to look at. “And now we just wait?” I asked as he closed the door behind us.

“I’m afraid not,” he said. “I have no choice but to follow her orders.”

“So? She didn’t give any.”

“She ordered me to mate with you.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “I don’t like you and I don’t want you. But we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. The choice is yours.”

I clenched my fists and felt my head lowering and my teeth baring. “I don’t think you and I are going to do anything any kind of way.”

“I see you’re choosing the hard way.”

Before I could get myself hurt in what I knew was an unfair fight, Flo said, “Just do it, Nav. You know what his fire can do. I can pull your mind away so you don’t even feel it.”

My fists slowly unclenched and I sighed. “Make it fucking quick,” I bitterly said, dropping my pants.

“I like this as little as you do, ape. I have a mate and younglings of my own. Remove everything and get on the bed.”

I couldn’t stop my teeth from grinding as I did what he commanded, lying as flat on my back as I could with my wings. He snarled and began approaching. As soon as he got close, he hopped onto the bed and rolled me over onto my side, pulling me against his furry chest. I felt his tongue start making broad strokes on my back and then something flickered on my chest.

Yet another interlude from your great and powerful god-king, Discord!

I’m really not in the habit of being surprised by an outcome. But I have to say, I didn’t actually expect our trepid heroine to lose. Of course, Trixie’s stupidity and arrogance would be her eventual undoing, so the fight was hardly over, but it was interesting to see that she actually won.

I decided to pay her a personal visit to congratulate her, so I appeared down in her dungeon where she was playing with her new teddy bear. “It seems you won, my dear,” I happily said from behind her. She whirled around with shock on her face, but it quickly turned to happiness when she realized it was me. “You’ve done well, Trixie.”

“It was hardly any challenge, master. Trixie hardly… I hardly had to exert myself at all!”

“That’s to be expected, after training from yours truly. And it seems you’ve gotten yourself two prizes, too.” My gaze looked past Trixie and onto the table behind her, where a large purple stuffed unicorn resided. I’m sure if Twilight could be crying, she probably would be. It’s not every day you find your body turned into an inanimate object that can still feel, after all.

And it’s not every day you find yourself incapable of housing the elemental that had been residing within your mind.

“I own her and the ape both, now, master. Shall I dispose of the ape like you wanted?”

“No, no. Keeping her locked here is good enough, I suppose.” I slowly walked up to Twilight, who would probably be trembling in fear if she could move. As it was, her happy eyes stared at me impassively. “I quite like what you’ve done with this one, too. The ring around her horn is definitely a nice touch.” Probably a necessary one, too. She could still think, just not move, so she could probably cast as many spells as she wanted.

“Yes, the ape was wearing it. She hardly has need of it now, since her new mistress would never mistreat her… unless she deserved it.”

“I’m sure,” I absentmindedly said, running my talons over Twilight’s mane. It didn’t take me long to find the wet spot and I extracted the elemental in her quite effortlessly. “It’s been too long… Aqua, is it?” I quietly mused, holding the ball of red water up to my gaze.

“What was that, master?” Trixie asked as she walked closer.

“Nothing, nothing,” I said as I summoned forth a vial in which to place the rapidly changing elemental. “I have two gifts for you to give to your new pet human.” I reached out and pulled a box forward. “I think you’ll like her new uniform.” It should be enough to anger our poor heroine to the point of dealing with Trixie permanently, as needed.

Trixie took the box with a large smile on her face. “I was going to have her go naked, but playing dressup with your pets can be fun, too. What’s the other gift, master?”

“This,” I said, holding up the vial of what was now yellow liquid. “Make Navarone drink this as soon as possible.”

“What… is it?”

“A curse.” Or a gift, depending on what you thought of elementals. “It destabilizes quickly when not in a host, so make sure she drinks it soon. And make sure she drinks it, Trixie.”

“Of course, master! I would never let you down!”

“I know you wouldn’t, my dear,” I said as I patted her back with my lion’s paw. Of course, I didn’t have the same fear of letting her down, but that wasn’t important just yet. “Now, it is time for me to depart, Trixie. I have much to do in order to keep Celestia from finding that you took her student and lover.”

“Her… her lover?” Trixie whispered, her eyes wide.

“Oh, yes. In fact, I believe they’re close to making it official, not that it really matters. Celestia is quite close to your new pet human. For good reason, from what I’ve heard. Navarone knows her way around a mare.”

“That is… unexpected. Well, I will take no sloppy seconds from Phinny, so I suppose I shall simply have to do without. At least until I attach my toys to my new favorite cuddle buddy.”

“Have fun with that. I’ll be seeing you soon, Trixie.” Before she could continue taunting me with things I couldn’t feel, I departed into the shadows once more so I could watch the incoming carnage.

Right after whatever it was flickered, Phinny stopped licking me. “Good, she’s not watching,” he said. “She said to my heart’s content. My heart prefers not to touch you.”

“Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I tried pushing myself away from him, but he gripped me tightly.

“We are not out of the water yet, ape. She is no longer watching, but she might start again. Unless you’d prefer to actually start mating, I suggest lying still.”

I stopped fighting. “So now what? You just spoon me until night?”

“As long as she doesn’t give us a direct order, we are free to do as we please.”

“I’m not planning on following any of her orders, thank you.”

“That collar you’re wearing doesn’t give you much of a choice. She tested that on me.”

“Then what’s your plan? I can’t do shit to her without my ring and my weapons. But if you can get me out of here, I can get back with help.”

“It’s too risky. If you escape and cannot get back before she notices, the others will be harmed. And of course, that’s assuming you even know where we are. We are no longer in the castle in which we last fought.” Then where the fuck are we? “We must take her on directly.”

“Then how do I get this damn collar off? Or get to my stuff?”

“Your ring is likely being used on the purple one. I will attempt to smuggle some of your belongings to you come night, but I doubt I can do much this early. We will be here some time before Trixie gets comfortable enough. And consider this your moment of reprieve, because she will notice quickly that we did not mate and change her order appropriately.”

“...How would she notice that? What’s she gonna do, check your bed for cumstains?”

“If she knows much about my anatomy, she’ll be wondering why you have no problems walking.”

“God, do I even want to know?”

“We have large knots.” Ugh. “I doubt she knows much about us. With as small as you are, it would be… uncomfortable.”

“I am going to enjoy killing that whore.”

“I have a proposition for you, ape.”

“Not like we have much else to do. Lay it on me.” He pushed me on my stomach and then got on top of me, lying on me. “That is not at all what I meant,” I quickly said, fluttering my wings to try to make him move.

He rolled back off me. “Yes, I was wondering what that had to do with my proposition.” He pulled me back into a spooning position with his rough talons. “So are you interested?”

“Yes. Please just don’t lie on me again.”

“I want Trixie. If I drag her with me to Tartarus, I will get full control over her. That is what I seek to do.”

That’s tempting. “How would we go about doing that?” I asked.

“If she violates the familiar contract, the terms are void. I can fight against her as I would desire.”

“So what’s the contract? Shouldn’t be hard for us to figure something out.”

“She has to either try to kill me or order me to do something that would kill me.”

“...Huh. How pissed off do you think she would be to try to kill you?”

“She would order me to cease the action far before that point. I will have to get you your weapon and armor and have her order me to attack you. Even then, it’s a long shot.”

“Or we could free Twilight and get you to attack her instead. She’ll have to be pretty pissed to try to actually kill you instead of just unsummoning you, though.”

“It is impossible to send me back, now. Not without breaking the contract. Our mistress made sure of that. However, freeing your friend would also be difficult. Without you to warm her bed, our mistress will likely use her new favorite toy.”

“Oh great, so instead of me getting raped, it’s Twilight. That woman has problems.”

“I rather doubt our mistress will use the purple one in that way. And even after that, we must still remove these collars before we can even attempt to hurt her.”

“...So how do we do that?”

“The only way I know how is to get an entity not wearing one to remove it.”

Flo finally opened her fucking mouth. “Fluttershy. If you can wake her up, she can take it off.”

“Where’s Fluttershy?” I asked. “And can she be woken up?”

He growled, a deep reverberation I could feel rumbling in his chest. “She could,” he said after a few seconds. “And I know where she slumbers. But there are many defensive wards in this castle. Traveling to her room might be difficult.”

“Are we talking the kinds of defenses that alert Trixie or that blow you up?”

“I do not know magic, ape. I can go some places easily. Others, I cannot.”

“Can you go to Trixie’s room easily? Or the dungeons?”

“I can go to our mistress’s room as needed. I can go to the dungeons when ordered.”

“If you can get me my ring, we can get past most defenses. Then I can put it on Fluttershy to wake her up. She can get the collars off us, then we can see about dealing with Trixie.”

“Your entire plan seems to hinge on the ring being in our mistress’s room come night.”

“It’s either there or in the dungeon, with the rest of my stuff. Where else would it be?”

“Then it seems we have a plan of sorts.”

After a few seconds of silence, I asked, “So… what do we do while we wait?”

“We shall likely be called to serve our mistress within the hour. Until then, we are free.”

Well, shit. There’s no way Celestia’s asleep yet, so I can’t go into the dream world and ask her for help just yet. “Well, want to talk about anything?”

“No.”

Weak. “Want to… do anything, then? What do you even do when you aren’t with Trixie?”

“Wait.”

“...Well, you want to actually have sex? Might as well give Trixie no reason to be suspicious.”

“No.”

“Then fuck it, I’m going to sleep. Wake me up when something happens.” He didn’t reply, so I closed my eyes and slowly entered the dream world. I skipped Flo’s glade and went straight to the anteroom, looking around for anyone that I knew. Unfortunately, no one on my crew was asleep and I didn’t know most of the soldiers well enough to find any of them. The only person I could find that could get permission to talk to Celestia was Fluttershy, and I didn’t want to freak her out by showing up in her dream prematurely.

I cast my search farther, peering through as many dreams as I could find, hoping to find anyone that might be able to help me. Again, I didn’t know any of the people I was searching, but I was just hoping I’d be able to find someone that I could tell was a maid or something in the castle that was just taking a nap.

It was only when I looked too far that I felt a very familiar presence and realized I was also being noticed. Before Luna could say a fucking word, I ducked out of the anteroom and back into Flo’s glade.

“You’ll have to speak to her eventually,” Flo said. “And she might have a way to contact Celestia.”

“Eventually is not now. And she’s in some kind of prison. Why would she have a line to Celestia? Hell, even if she did, would I really want to let her help me?”

“It’s better than being Trixie’s pet.”

“Tch. The alphyn’s just the right temperature to cuddle with. I’ll survive until night falls and I can contact Celestia.”

“Your hubris will truly be your hamartia, Navarone.”

“Only tragic heroes have those. My life might be a comedic tragedy of horrors, but I’m hardly a hero.”

“We’re all the hero of our own story,” she said, trying to sound sagely. Before I could flip her off, she said, “The alphyn is trying to wake you up.” She thrust me out of the dream and into the waking world.

As soon as I came to, I realized his method of waking me up was licking my back again. “Do I taste good or something?”

“Yes. Our mistress summons me, ape. Remain here and remain unclothed.”

“I’ll keep myself warm for you, big guy,” I said as I turned over onto my stomach.

“With no blankets, that will be unlikely.” He hopped off the bed and left without another word. As soon as he stepped out, the amulet around my neck lit up a pale blue again, presumably a sign that Trixie was watching. If she was seeing through the actual stone, she was just getting a faceful of either my chest or the bed.

When something very slowly stroked one of my barren wings, I jumped and spun, looking for whatever caused it. There was nothing there, unsurprisingly. Flo, if this place is haunted, just stop my heart. For the love of god, don’t make me deal with that bullshit again.

“No promises. But that’s probably Trixie. Just lie back down and ignore it.” I sighed and did so, though she started poking and prodding other parts of my body instead. Nothing intimate, but it did get pretty annoying.

I endured her unwanted ministrations for about fifteen minutes before Phinny finally came back. On his back was a box that for some reason sent a shiver of dread down my spine. “Our mistress has a gift for you, ape,” he said.

“Is it a bullet to the back of the head?” I asked as I rolled over. “I’ve been looking forward to one of those for ages.”

“I don’t know what that is.” He reached around and grabbed the box with one of his talons, then threw it at me. “This is your new uniform. Put it on.”

“Can I pretend it’s the box instead and balance it on my head?”

“Our mistress already dislikes you, ape. Going out of your way to earn her ire would not end well for you, especially given the fate of the purple one.”

“...What did Trixie do to Twilight?”

“You shall see when you equip your new apparel. You are to wait on our mistress tonight.”

I sighed and finally opened the package, already hating myself for it. Within was, you guessed it, a maid outfit. “Alright, I’m gonna have to ask how she made this so quickly,” I said, not looking up from the frilly thing.

“Perhaps the note attached has the answer,” Phinny disinterestedly replied.

When I flipped the thing around, I saw the note on it. I pulled it off and opened it up.

Trixie searched Twilight’s memories and found quite a few delicious things about you, ape. Trixie hopes you do not enjoy your new position as her servant. Trixie expects you to be on time, wearing only what Trixie has given you. Failure to follow Trixie’s commands will result in punishment.

Well, more punishment aside from that given by your beautiful new necklace.

Love, your mistress.

My eyes slowly lifted up to meet the alphyn’s. “What would I have to do to get you to kill me?”

“You are far more useful to me alive than you are dead, ape. It used to be my job to wait upon our mistress, though she did not give me a uniform. Get dressed quickly. Your time of service approaches.”

“...Flo, you’re in charge. I’m talking to Luna.” Before the alphyn could ask what the fuck I meant or Flo could respond, I entered the dream realm once again.

Once more, the sparsely populated starry vista surrounded me. Of course, there were no lights anywhere near me, and I could barely see any out in the distance since it was day. Finding Luna once was entirely by chance, given that she had to actually be in the anteroom and nearby for me to even notice her. Finding her again would be impossible without help.

“Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender,” I said, crossing my arms. Three of the pale white phantoms appeared around me, staring at me. “Give me a log of everyone that’s accessed this machine in the last five minutes.”

“Anonymous: Admin. Unknown manual override user: Admin.” Why the fuck do they know my name, but not hers?

“Is unknown manual override user still present?”

“Affirmative.”

“Ping her.”

Two of them disappeared. The remaining one’s eyes lit up red for a moment before turning yellow. “Ping delivered. No response yet.”

“I can’t imagine she would really know how to respond to that. Take me to her.”

One of its hands wrapped around my arm and we shot through the starry vista before we were standing in front of a very dumbfounded Luna, who was staring at the phantom that was requesting a ping reply.

“Discontinue artificial intelligence defenders,” I said. The two of them disappeared and Luna whirled toward me. “Sup.”

“What… Nav…” She took a deep breath to try to calm down before saying, “What were those?”

“That’s a weird story that I don’t have time for and you might not believe anyway.”

“Try me.”

“Don’t have time. I need to—”

“This could be extremely important, Navarone! Those things look just like the vagrants!”

“Luna, I am literally being tortured right now.” Her mouth dropped. “So if you would kindly shut the fuck up and listen, that would be great.”

“Who dares?!” she yelled.

“Maybe you should try shutting the fuck up and listening so I can tell you.” She pursed her lips. “Are you done?” No response. “Twilight and I got captured by one of Discord’s cronies. If you can talk to Celestia, tell her to go the fuck to sleep so I can tell her where we are.” Or where we were, according to the alphyn.

“She wouldn’t need to know where you both were to teleport you out. I shall tell her posthaste.”

“She’d need to get Twilight and Fluttershy, too. And I figure capturing this bitch is a little better than letting her roam free.”

“Fluttershy is also there?”

“Yeah. Go tell Celestia to go to sleep. I ain’t the only one gettin’ tortured here.”

“...Very well. But I would like to speak to you. Can we meet in the dream realm again later?”

Ugh. “If Celestia actually gets here to save me, sure. I reckon I’d owe you that.” She actually smiled before vanishing. “Sucker.”

Now, even if Luna could immediately tell Celestia to go to sleep and Celestia straight up passed out in the middle of whatever she was doing, it would still take a few minutes for her mind to show up as dreaming. Thankfully, ponies seem to dream all night instead of just in their REM cycle. That in mind, I popped out of the anteroom and into Flo’s glade.

“How are things going out there?” I asked.

“Trixie’s dress code is better suited for a bunny ranch than a professional dining area,” Flo said. “And as fluid as I am, moving in heels is not enjoyable. At least your period ended, or we’d be leaving stains wherever we went.”

“So super tiny skirt, no panties, high heels, and presumably stockings?”

“...Correct, along with a few other accessories. It seems her goal is to humiliate you before anything else. I suppose she doesn’t yet realize you have no shame. That said, I haven’t even seen her yet. How are things on your end?”

“I found Luna and told her to tell Celestia to go to sleep. That tells me that prison or no, she still has a line of communication. I’m heading back now.”

“Wait, before you go, I need to feel jealous of something.”

“...Why?”

“So your eyes will turn green instead of blue.”

“I’m gonna cheat on you with Aqua until we all get back to the ship so Twilight doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.”

Flo was silent for a few moments before saying, “Yes, that did it. Now go speak to Celestia. Hopefully she can save us before we have to save ourselves.”

I smiled and left her fancy garden, returning to the world of dreams. A quick search told me that Celestia’s dream wasn’t up quite yet, so I settled back for what I was assuming would be a short wait.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take that long for Celestia to fall asleep. As soon as she heard that two of her precious elements of harmony and her ex-boy boytoy were in danger, she probably dropped everything. I entered her dream without bothering to ask for permission, because fuck da police.

As soon as I appeared next to her, she hugged me tight. “What happened?” she quietly asked.

“Twilight got a message from one of Discord’s cronies yesterday. They had Fluttershy and said Discord was watching us. If we told anyone what was happening, Fluttershy would be hurt. So we came to the specified location, fought a duel, and lost. This crony happens to be Trixie, someone Twilight and I fought in the past.”

“...I remember that name. What has she done to you?”

“She has an alphyn with her that she told to rape me.” Celestia gasped and pulled me tighter. “He didn’t. She left a small loophole in her order so he didn’t have to actually touch me.”

“Thank the heavens... “

“Kinda insulting, though. I have no idea what she did with Twilight, but I know it can’t be good. Fluttershy’s supposedly being kept in some kind of magical sleep field, but we haven’t seen her yet.”

“I already tried scrying you. There is some powerful magic blocking me from seeing you. Where are you?”

“I can tell you where we were, but I have no clue where we are. You remember the castle that burned down in a mysterious fire a few years ago that Twilight and I might or might not have been involved in?”

“...The castle where you fought Trixie the first time.”

“Yeah. That’s where we were supposed to meet. Twilight found a magical door on the outside, but I told her to ignore it and we went in through the main door instead. As soon as we did, we got teleported to some strange dimension where we fought.”

“I see… And how did you lose?”

“The black zombie dragon armor Spike gave me is fucking possessed. As soon as some blood spilled on it, the thing took over my body.”

“That is… unpleasant news.”

“Yeah. The thing also reacted very poorly to lightning.”

“Yes, dragons and lightning don’t mix. Strange, considering they fancy themselves the rulers of the sky, but no matter. I will go to the castle and start investigating immediately.”

“You sure you should go alone, Celestia? You’re hella powerful, I won’t deny that, but it’s a large risk.”

“Putting together a group of specialists would take time, Nav. Time you three might not have.”

“If Discord wanted us dead, I doubt we’d still be alive. Trixie seems content to play with her toys for a little while. And I already have a few plans to fight back. Trixie’s stupidity and arrogance will be her eventual undoing, so this fight is hardly over.”

“As much as I like your confidence, I think it’s best if you wait for me if you think Trixie won’t actually harm you.”

Before I could tell her that I really didn’t care for being the damsel in distress, an unwanted guest appeared. “I see you found her well, Nav,” Luna said after appearing from thin air.

Celestia let me go and used some magic to carefully put me on her back. “Indeed he has, sister,” Celestia said. “I will be heading to his last known whereabouts shortly.”

“It would be unwise to go alone, ‘Tia,” Luna said, her gaze flicking from Celestia to me a few times.

“...Nav had the same observation. As I told him, putting together a team that specializes in search and rescue as well as ancient magic and combat might be difficult.”

“Not if you know where to look,” Luna said, finally turning her eyes to me.

“Yeah, I do kinda have a ship full of badass ex-guards,” I said, rubbing that special spot on Celestia’s neck that she just loves so much. “And it’s already in Canterlot. All you have to do is find Watcher and he can probably get most of his team together quickly. Tell him I’m being raped by an alphyn and they’ll—”

“YOU’RE WHAT?!” Luna yelled, taking a step forward.

Celestia raised a hoof and said, “He’s not, dear sister. That was apparently an order of his captor, but the alphyn out-foxed her, as they are known to do. Navarone has yet to be harmed at all.”

“That’s mostly true,” I said. “Aside from getting my ass kicked in the initial fight, I’ve been fine.”

“How did you lose?” Luna asked. Ugh. Why does she even care?

“I think there are more productive things to be discussing,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I disagree,” Celestia said. “There are more productive things to be doing. I shall see you soon, Navarone. And goodbye for now, Luna.” Before either of us could say a word, the dream shattered, tossing us both into the anteroom.

I had gotten plenty of practice catching myself from crashing dreams after all the times I gave Fluttershy naughty dreams, so I stabilized quickly. Unfortunately, Luna reacted faster than I did, so she put herself in front of me before I could leave. “I believe now might be a good time for a discussion,” Luna calmly said.

“Flo can’t control my body for long, Luna. Time is warped here. I have no idea how long it’s been since I left and I don’t know how long she can hold it. I need to get back quickly. If she loses control in front of Trixie, there’s no telling what might happen.”

“...So be it. But I want a discussion.”

“We can’t always get what we want. You helped me, and I’m thankful you did. But I have no idea when we’ll both be in this place again.”

“One week from now. Give or take a few hours. Apparently you know how to find me.”

“But only if you’re in the anteroom.”

“Then I shall wait, though I can’t wait long. I am… busy.”

“My life ain’t exactly a walk in the park either. If I have time, I’ll be here. If not, won’t that be a shame.” She sighed and I took that as my cue to vanish, heading back to see what new horrors awaited me.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two—Trixie's Comeuppance

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Two—Trixie's Comeuppance

When I reappeared in Flo’s glade, I asked, “How are things lookin’ out there, Flo?”

“Rather poorly. Trixie managed to extract Aqua somehow. It seems you’re going to start cheating on me a lot sooner than you thought.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

Before I could ask what she meant by that, she appeared right next to me. “...Flo, now’s really a bad time to check on things in here.”

“I am not Flo,” Aqua said, turning a light shade of red.

“Flo, what the fuck did you just do?”

“This part of my body needs a host to survive, Nav,” Aqua said. “Twilight is… unable to house me.”

“Oh my god… Did…”

“She’s alive. Sort of.”

“The fuck do you mean, sort of? Either she’s alive or she’s dead! And she better not fucking be dead, or I’ll choke that bitch to death with her own entrails!”

“She is alive, Navarone,” Aqua said, putting a hand on one of my shoulders. “Trixie turned her into an inanimate object. Twilight’s spirit is still within, so she yet lives, but I cannot survive within her.”

“...How in the hell?”

“I do not know. Nor do I know how and why I am still alive. Sister, Chaos knows full well we are here. He pulled me out of Twilight.”

“...I feared as much,” Flo slowly said.

“Welp, you’re both fucked,” I said as I shrugged and fell backwards into an armchair that appeared behind me. “Wake me up when I have to take over again.”

“If he wanted me dead, he would have killed me, human,” Aqua said, slithering over and onto me. “And I suggest you take over your body again so you can allow Flo to rest in case your captor begins truly torturing you.”

“Oh come on. I have two of you fucking parasites in me now. I’m sure that between the two of you, you can keep control over my body indefinitely.”

Aqua very quickly turned a darker red. “I am not your slave, human. You will not order me around.”

“You want to get out and walk? The door’s right there,” I said, waving my hand to the sky. I didn’t actually know where the door to my body was, but I assumed she could figure it out if she was so damn smart.

Since she was currently all around me, I was very quick to notice when she picked up heat. “It is very unwise to anger something that has control over your central nervous system, human,” Aqua quietly said, raising her head so that it was well above mine.

Of course, I stared up rather impassively. “You forget who owns him,” Flo said as a lot of the light in her glade vanished instantly. “You are a guest here, sister. This is my domain. If he annoys you, don’t talk to him anymore.”

“You must teach the lesser races respect, Flo, or they will never learn it.”

“And you must deliver it yourself before you should ever expect it,” Flo shot back. “Now both of you shut up. It’s hard enough dealing with Trixie without your catfighting in the background.”

Didn’t complain about the pussy before.

“I heard that!” I snorted and closed my eyes, trying to close myself off from the world. I felt Aqua slide away from me, so it seemed she was willing to do as Flo asked. Unfortunately, the silence didn’t last too long. “She wasn’t wrong, Nav,” Flo finally said. “I can’t keep control forever. And if, as Aqua suggested, things take a turn for the worse, I’ll need to be ready to help you then.”

“So, what, you want me to just be Trixie’s perfect little slave?”

“Don’t let your pride get in the way of what’s smart, Nav. Yes, I do want you to be Trixie’s perfect little slave. I have been managing so far. I know you are capable. Unless you want your body to collapse unguided soon, you will have no choice anyway.”

“Remind me to never lose again.”

“I will certainly do my best to keep that from happening. Now pay attention. I’ll let you watch through your eyes for a few minutes before you take back over.”

“What a privilege,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

“I’m starting to wonder if there really is a correlation between gender and sass,” Flo said. “I don’t remember you being this bad before.”

“You know you love it, babe.”

“It’s actually starting to get somewhat annoying. But you’re a cutie pie in a bad situation, so I’ll let it go for now.”

“...Definitely gender related.” She didn’t reply again, and just opened a window to my eyes, which definitely didn’t happen to correlate to my soul.

I was currently standing next to a very fancy table for two, currently only set up for one place. Trixie was sitting there, of course. Phinny was sitting on the ground at her side, staring very disdainfully at a bowl of dog food set down for him. Thankfully, Trixie had already eaten whatever she had, so that wasn’t my problem. I had a feeling that Flo fed her, though.

“Trixie is going easy on you today, ape,” she said after dabbing at her chin with a nice napkin. “Tomorrow, you will make all of Trixie’s meals. There will be instructions in the kitchen, since Trixie knows your limited ape brain couldn’t figure out what to do otherwise.”

“What if my limited ape brain can’t read?”

Right as I finished speaking, parts of her horn lit up and I floated closer to the table. Before I could ask what she was doing, something pushed my back down so I was partially lying on the table, then spread my legs slightly. A paddle appeared out of god knows where and she started spanking my ass with it. Apparently Flo was either feeling vindictive or thought I deserved it, because I felt all ten of those smacks with a bright red ferocity.

When Trixie finally fucking finished, I actually felt tears forming, even though I’m very used to dealing with pain. “Trixie did not say you could speak, ape. But since Trixie is a more loving mistress than your precious Twilight Sparkle, she will answer anyway. Trixie made sure to put pictures on those instructions so even the least intelligent pony could manage. Since you’re so far below even that, you might have difficulties, but Trixie is sure you will manage. If you can’t, Trixie will just have to punish you more. Now, Trixie is going to her chamber. Clean the table and join her there, ape. Trixie suggests doing it quickly.”

“Yes mistress,” I said through gritted teeth, doing my best not to reach over there to try and strangle her.

“Phinny, you may show the ape around if she needs directions. She is yours to play with tonight, of course, so don’t let her sleep without filling her up. If she misbehaves or speaks out of turn, punish her as needed.”

“...Of course, mistress,” Phinny quietly replied. Trixie nodded once and teleported out. Of course, my necklace immediately started glowing, so I finally removed myself from the table and winced slightly as the skirt brushed against my cherry-red butt. I’m going to enjoy killing you so much.

When I got over the pain, I began grabbing all the plates and shit Trixie had, as well as the silverware and whatever. I didn’t know exactly what all I was supposed to clean, so I just grabbed all the dishes on the table and stacked them all up. Thankfully, I was still fairly used to dealing with dishes for a family of three or four, from when Cadance was chilling in my house.

By the time I got everything in hand, Phinny was standing at the door waiting to go. “Come on, then,” he said.

“So why does she want me in her room?” I asked when we got into the hall.

“I don’t know. And may I remind you that I’ve been authorized to punish you for speaking out of turn? Working some aggression out would be a wonderful nepenthe for this accursed state we’re in, having to deal with such an officious mistress. I’m afraid a slattern such as yourself might well enjoy it, but I suppose we both need some relief.”

After Flo told me what three of the words he said meant, I replied, “Your vocabulary is a lot better than what I’d expect from a demon out of Tartarus.”

“I have had many masters, ape. Only the most powerful… or dedicated, I suppose, could hope to summon me for long. The most powerful are usually also the most learned. It’s amazing what you pick up when you are treated as an equal rather than as a… pet.”

I would have replied to that, but the pendant on the collar was still lit up, so Trixie was presumably still watching. Besides, he might have been serious about punishing me and I really didn’t want to get spanked by talons.

...Or at all.

Thankfully, Trixie wasn’t completely retarded, so the kitchen wasn’t that far from the dining room. As soon as we stepped into the kitchen, the amulet around my neck stopped glowing. I assumed Trixie didn’t really care to watch me wash dishes.

“So how old are you, that you’ve had several masters?” I asked.

“Old is relative, ape, and my kind do not measure time in years.”

“Alright, so you’re pretty fucking old.”

“I suggest shutting your mouth and washing dishes. Our mistress would be displeased if you take too long because I have to punish you.”

Since he very obviously didn’t want any kind of conversation, I just sighed and started washing the dishes. There weren’t all that many and Trixie also isn’t a complete slob, so that took me about five minutes. The alphyn stared at me the whole time, which was a little disconcerting. If I thought he had been staring up my skirt, it would have been at least slightly less annoying. As it was, it was just creepy.

When I finished, I finally got to stare back. “So now what?” I asked. “What do you think little miss blueberry wants me for?”

“As I already said, I don’t know. Now come. The longer you take, the more upset she will be.”

“And the more upset she is, the more rosy red my ass will be.”

“Are there not some apes that view such thing as a sign of a good mate?”

“There’s not exactly many people here that I’m in a big hurry to start mating with. Especially if she keeps hitting me.”

“Then I suggest thinking of a loophole for the command she gave me earlier. If you want to get any sleep, I’m afraid we are going to have to mate.”

“I don’t sleep during the summer.”

“That is strangely convenient.”

“Yeah. But I mean, if you want to—”

“I do not.” Truth be told, I didn’t really want to either, given that he had a knot, but teasing people is always funny.

Although teasing someone that was probably twice as strong as you are and that doesn’t have many compunctions about hitting you isn’t always wise. I decided to leave him alone as we walked the rest of the way to Trixie’s pad.

It seemed he actually didn’t have the same idea, surprisingly. “How do you walk in those?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.

“The heels? Balance and being very careful.” And forcing me to sway my hips a lot more than I’d like in such a tiny skirt. “I was a queen a month ago, so I got a lot of practice then.”

“...If you are a queen, why are you here?”

“It’s a long story. I thought your kind didn’t talk much?”

“We don’t. But your kind obviously does. I want you at ease for what is to come.”

“You mean for Trixie or for…?”

“For what is to come.” We were finally nearing her room, so he said, “Remember not to speak out of turn, ape. Is there anything you might need from your possessions?”

“My weapons. Failing that, it’s cold in these damn stone halls and if I’m going to be wearing this skimpy fetishistic bullshit, I’m going to need a cloak or something to keep warm.”

“I shall see what I can do.” He knocked on Trixie’s door, so I didn’t reply. It opened a few seconds later and Phinny let himself in.

“About time,” Trixie nastily said from her position on her bed. Horrifyingly enough, what looked like a stuffed version of Twilight was on the bed next to her. Aqua sighed. “What do you want, Phinny?”

“It is cool in this castle for those without fur, mistress,” he said, bowing his head. “I would like permission to get the ape’s cloak so it won’t catch a cold in the night.”

“Well well, look at this!” Trixie said, a smirk coming to her face. “It seems my two pets are starting to get along! But I don’t see why she would need a blanket when she has you, Phinny.”

“I am large, but she is long, mistress. If you would prefer a maid that is ill to prepare your food, I can attempt to warm her by myself. But otherwise, it would be best if she had some manner of blanket.”

“Ugh, very well. Go to the dungeon and get her stupid cloak, Phinny. Then return to your room and warm yourself up for her. The two of you will be doing a lot of…” She paused to chuckle rather ominously before finishing with, “...bonding tonight.”

“...Yes mistress,” Phinny said before backing out. Since I hadn’t really stepped in her room yet, I finally did so, waiting for an order or a chance to kill either her or myself.

“Close the door, ape,” Trixie said after Phinny got out. I did so without a word, then stood still again. “Trixie’s master has told her much about you. Are you missing your dear sweet Celestia?”

What? “...My place is here, mistress,” I neutrally answered.

“Trixie is pleased that you are learning, ape. Now, Trixie’s master also informed her that you know your way around a mare. You will prepare Trixie for bed.”

Oh god. “Is there… anything specific you would like, mistress?”

“Prepare Trixie for bed! Trixie will not repeat herself again!”

You have got to be retarded, I swear. “Of course, mistress.” Flo, suggestions?

The least favorite elemental in my head decided to try to be helpful. “If she wants to act like a child, give her a stern talking-to about treating others equally and put her to bed without a hug.”

Emphasis on try.

Thankfully, Flo wasn’t as retarded. “Start with brushing her teeth.”

“Would you like me to brush your teeth, mistress?” I asked, though I couldn’t force anything like enthusiasm in there.

“That is part of getting Trixie ready for bed, is it not? Of course Trixie does, ape! Hmph!” Finally, she got off the bed and started walking to one of the other doors in the room. “If Trixie began punishing you for being stupid, Trixie imagines she would never stop!” I didn’t see any safe way of replying to that, so I just followed her into her bathroom in silence. “In the morning after breakfast, you shall bathe Trixie. It will be a nice way to begin the day. But for now, prepare your mistress for bed.”

Ugh, we have something in common. Time to start taking showers at night again. I approached the sink and quickly washed my hands so she couldn’t bitch at me for trying to corrupt her with my nasty ape germs or whatever. Then I grabbed her annoyingly large horse toothbrush and readied it for her horrid mouth.

“Did you just wet the bristles before applying toothpaste?” Trixie rather testily asked.

“...Yes?”

“Barbaric ape.” She ripped the toothbrush from my hands, swatted my behind, then scraped all the toothpaste off. “Do it again, and properly this time! Be grateful Trixie isn’t punishing you for wasting toothpaste!”

“Thank you for your mercy, mistress,” I quietly replied as I seethed inside. How am I the barbarian? Who the fuck puts toothpaste on and then wets it? Christ. But I did as she asked, because I unfortunately didn’t have much of a choice. When it was done to her specifications, I turned back to her, holding the brush up. “Are you ready, mistress?”

“Yes. And you better not make Trixie gag!” Not even if I still had my dick. She opened her mouth and closed her eyes. I pretended to be a dentist and started brushing her teeth. Thankfully, I had a small amount of experience with Taya, back when I first met her. She didn’t really know what to do, so I had to demonstrate.

That small amount of experience translated to just enough to get me by with Trixie, it seemed. I was slow and gentle so I didn’t risk making her gums bleed or make her gag. Soon enough, that awful business was done and she was rinsing her mouth.

Without my help, thank god. Then she pushed me out so she could do the things a mare apparently has to do privately. I had a feeling I knew what that meant, so I didn’t even say a word until her door was closed.

When it was, I walked over to Twilight’s pillow and whispered, “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m going to assume yes. I have a plan A and a plan B. Plan B is already in motion; Celestia’s on her way. I’m going to begin plan A when Trixie falls asleep. When I take the ring off your horn, wait. This damn collar I have makes me defenseless against her, probably even with the ring. But I’ll need it for plan A.”

She didn’t reply, not that I really expected her to. I poked her a few times to see if she’d do anything at all, but it seemed she was either gone or just completely incapable of responding.

“Do you enjoy Trixie’s handiwork?” the blue bitch asked as she removed herself from the bathroom.

“I… didn’t know such a thing was possible,” I truthfully replied, not looking away from Twilight.

“For any normal unicorn, it isn’t. But for the Great and Powerful Trixie, it was mere foal’s play. She can hear everything around her and feel every touch. Trixie imagines she can even see.” Trixie chuckled again and said, “I’m going to quite enjoy my new cuddle buddy. It has been… quite a while since Trixie shared a bed. And since you cannot assist Trixie in her more base needs, Trixie knows somepony who shall.” Oh god. “Now, finish preparing Trixie for bed!”

Honestly, I had no idea what else she wanted me to fucking do. Me, I brush my teeth, take off all or most of my clothes, and fall in bed. And that’s assuming I even feel like brushing my teeth. But I knew I needed to make her nice and relaxed so she would be too tired to do anything to Twilight, so I quickly looked around the room to try to find anything I could use.

My eyes quickly found a set of hair brushes. One was definitely for a coat while the other was probably for the mane. I grabbed both and sat on the bed. “Would you join me, mistress?” I asked, setting the coat brush on the bed and patting my lap.

“...Very well, ape. Trixie shall see if you truly know how to treat a mare.” Given a daughter and a few years working on a farm back home, I know all about mares. But dealing with bitches is a completely different ballpark.

She hopped up onto my lap. The added pressure on my sore ass made me wince, but I lived and started carefully drawing the brush through her hair. It had gotten somewhat raggedy because of the fight, so I slowly put it into a reasonable shape, doing my best not to hurt her. If I had a knife, I would have happily driven it through the back of her skull while she was relaxed, but instead I just brushed her hair.

When it was good and straight, I swapped the brush to my other hand and started brushing her tail. That got her attention. “W-what are you doing, ape?!” she demanded, pulling her tail away from me and turning to glare at me.

“Preparing you for bed, mistress,” I said. “It is very relaxing, from what I’m told.”

She snorted and turned back, releasing her tail. “Fine. But no funny business!”

Not even if you paid me. I slowly dragged the brush down her tail again, though. And since I really wanted her to go to sleep right after I left, or even before I left, my spare hand lifted up to her head and started playing with her ears. Of course, they both flinched at my touch and she jumped again, but she didn’t try to rebuke me this time.

Her tail was fairly long, but it was also rather straightforward. I had it finished in no time and picked up the other brush. When I stopped doing things to her tail, Trixie lowered her head to the bed, sighing in delight. My other hand continued playing with her ears while I started brushing her blue coat with the second brush. She moaned quietly as the brush went further down her back, which was a sign to me that she had been under a lot of stress or whatever.

Not that I really cared. It wasn’t going to stop me from doing my best to kill her.

Strangely enough, it felt like I should have been talking to her while I was brushing her down. I guess that’s because I used to do that with the horses back home and that’s what I did with Celestia whenever she asked me to brush her. Aside from the occasional moan or whimper from the worst pony in the room, it was silent.

Well, until I finished her back. “Would you like me to brush your tummy as well, mistress?” I quietly asked, slightly hoping she would just tell me to fuck off so she could sleep.

“Trixie did not tell you to stop,” she sighed. Her ears were just drooping down and letting me scratch at them in peace, so I knew she was getting tired. But I still had to follow her commands, so I slowly shimmied out from under her then slid off the bed. She finally opened her eyes when I got to standing and had time to look confused before I rolled her over, revealing her soft underside. “...You better keep your hands decent, ape,” she quietly warned, followed by a yawn.

“Of course, mistress,” I replied, very slowly drawing the brush down her chest and then onto her belly. Of course, she gasped as soon as she felt the transition, meaning that not even the great and powerful Trixie was immune to my bellyrubs.

That wasn’t the point of the exercise, though, so I brought the brush back up and slowly pushed it back down, smoothing out her coat as best as I could. Soon enough, both of her eyes slid shut again and a small smile came to her face. Her tongue wasn’t lolling quite yet, but I imagine it was getting close.

Her body sagged when I stopped brushing her front, but I was finished with it and there was nothing left for me to do. But since she wasn’t quite asleep just yet, I swapped the brush from hand to hand again and started turning her into a tummy slut. The hand with the brush started working on her legs, though there wasn’t really much fur to work with there. Either way, she definitely enjoyed my tender ministrations.

Luckily for Twilight, Trixie enjoyed my attentions enough that she was snoring softly when I finally finished. As tempting as it was to grab Twilight and book it, I had a feeling that would end poorly if Trixie woke up before I could get the collar off or find the exit to her damn palace.

So instead, I gently pulled the blankets up around the worst pony there and tucked her in. She probably woke up a few times during that process, but didn’t open her eyes. I imagine using as much magic as she did in the fight tired her out. When she was finally settled, I walked over to the door and turned out the lights, then stood and waited for about five minutes.

When Trixie was hopefully well and truly asleep, I pulled the heels off and tip-toed over to her bed again. Trixie was on one side and Twilight was on the other, so I carefully reached over Trixie and started pulling the ring off Twilight’s horn. As soon as it was off… nothing happened. Twilight presumably either got the message, had fallen asleep herself, or was actually completely incapable of doing magic.

I was hoping it wasn’t the last one.

Since I didn’t know what defenses the castle might have, I slipped the ring on as I grabbed my heels and left. I kinda wanted to leave the damn things there, but I figured I’d trip on them or something when I came back without the collar. Or, god forbid, Trixie woke up in the middle of the night and wanted some milk or something.

Though she’d probably try to make me get it.

While I walked back to my room, awareness of a debate going on inside of me was forced onto me. “So Flo thinks Trixie might be redeemable,” Aqua said. “What do you think, Nav?”

“I think I’m surprised you’re asking me,” I replied.

“Despite your opinion of me or mine of you, I know you are intelligent. Being forced to live in your body, even if only temporarily, shows me that clearly. I also know that in the end, what is done with Trixie will likely be your choice. So I ask again, though by this point I already know the answer: What do you think, Nav? Should we attempt to capture and redeem Trixie? Or is she a lost cause?”

“Starting this expedition, I thought she was lost. It’s obvious her body has changed. Discord did… something to her. When I saw her expressionless face in the apparition she sent, I thought it truly was a lost cause. But now, I realize that it’s pretty much only her body that’s changed. She might well not be a lost cause.”

“But…?” Flo prompted, knowing I wasn’t quite finished.

“But just because I think it might be possible to redeem her doesn’t mean it is possible. Trixie is hellishly dangerous and there’s no telling what she might be capable of. She was getting trained by Discord, so she probably has some propensity for true magic. Dealing with her isn’t a risk that I think it’s worth to take, redeemable or not. Especially if there’s a chance Discord would rescue her.”

“And the alphyn?” Aqua asked.

“I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a prisoner just as much as I am. But in fight time, when it’s me or him, I’ll be the one walking away. I just hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“I meant his request, Nav,” she said. “You say Trixie is too dangerous. Is she too dangerous to give to him as well?”

“If I give her to him, he’ll drag her ass to Tartarus, which is on the opposite side of the world. That makes her no longer my problem, unless Discord wants to go through all that trouble of freeing her. Personally, I get the feeling he’s in the mood for throwing away pawns. That’s why we’re still alive and why you’re in my head instead of dead, Aqua. He wants Trixie to lose.”

“That was… our thought as well,” Flo said. “Though we don’t know why.”

“Me either. He trained this bitch for what, five years? Why just throw all that time away?”

Aqua snorted. “To one that never dies, five years isn’t a particularly long time.”

“True enough. I still can’t help but wonder what he’s getting out of this. With Miguel, he presumably wanted to show me that he could get to anyone around me, even Taya and someone I barely knew. With Blueblood, he wanted to show me that he could even get to royalty. When he appeared in the museum in Stalliongrad, he wanted to show me that he could be anywhere. But this… I don’t get it.”

“Understanding chaos is an exercise in futility,” Aqua said. “We tried for a long time but never succeeded.”

“Understanding your enemy is the first step to killing him,” I replied. “And I’m going to be doing my best to kill him.”

“It is usually the goal of a water to cool hot heads,” Aqua said, trying to sound disapproving.

Flo wasn’t having any of that shit, though. “Don’t tell me how to live my life, mom.”

“By the waters, it truly is too late for the both of you,” Aqua sighed. “I never thought I’d see the day when I actually wanted my own host.”

“I probably don’t need to tell you this, but you do know that Twilight—and ponies in general really—are very sensitive, right? They forgive easily, but when you offend them or are mean to them, it actually hurts them.”

“I am… aware. It is difficult to remember that, at times. Sombra was very different, and so were the few I had long before him. This is only the second time I had a host that didn’t feel obligated to obey me. Even Sombra owed me some respect, since I saved his kingdom. It’s a very large adjustment.”

“And one I suggest figuring out sooner rather than later, if you want to keep your host. See her as your friend, not as your servant.”

“I am unused to friends, Navarone.”

“So was I,” Flo said. “But you have access to Twilight’s memories. You know she’s been studying friendship for a while. Perhaps you could learn something from her.”

“...Perhaps. But it seems we’ve reached our destination. I suppose I have time to ruminate on it.”

We had definitely gotten to the room I was supposed to share with the alphyn. Since I definitely wasn’t expecting him to be doing anything inappropriate, I let myself in and wasn’t disappointed. Though I was somewhat confused by one thing. “Why are you under my cloak?” I asked.

“She told me to warm myself up for you.”

“That’s not what she… never mind. Anyway, I got some good news. Trixie fell asleep, so I got my ring and stopped Twilight from getting molested.” Though who knows? She might have enjoyed it. “How long do you think we should wait to go get Fluttershy?”

“A little while. We have to bond.”

“...Why? I mean, you’re not a bad dude, but once we deal with Trixie, we’re probably not gonna see each other again.”

“That was also one of her orders. It likely will not matter, but just in case, I suggest listening well and remembering the things she phrases as orders. If we do not follow them, we will receive pain.”

“That’s retarded.”

“Indeed, but it is also true.”

“Ugh. Can’t I just take these damn collars off while wearing my ring?”

“If they are tampered with by someone wearing one, our mistress receives an alarm. If she realizes what we plot, we will be in much trouble.”

“So even with the ring, we can’t risk it. Fuck. So how do you want to bond?”

“Questions. You said you don’t sleep in the summer, but you were sleeping earlier. Which is it?”

“I can sleep. But that wasn’t technically sleep. I was Princess Luna’s knight for a while, so she gave me access to a magical artifact that lets me access dreams. I went to tell Princess Celestia of our predicament, so she’s on her way right now.”

“That is… not good news for me. She does not like familiars and she definitely does not like anything that is supposed to be in Tartarus out of it.”

“If you’re with me when she gets here, or already gone, you’ll be fine. I’ll just tickle her under the chin, remind her how much she loves me, and then tell her you’re my friend. She’ll be cool.”

“That disturbs me more than a month of serving our mistress ever could.”

“You just don’t understand our love,” I said, trying to sound overly theatrical. It worked, because he actually snorted out a laugh. Since it seemed he was slightly more relaxed, I walked over and snatched my cloak off him so I could wrap it around myself. I was not expecting the uncomfortably large dog cock that was hiding under it, though, so I stopped. So much for not warming himself up for me.

“What? You’ve been waving yours around my face all day, ape. Don’t be so shocked when I return the favor, accidental or not.”

“...Fair enough. I just… where’s the knot?”

“It only appears when I am near release.” He finally rolled over so it wasn’t out in the open. “That is hardly what I meant when I said we would ask questions, though.”

“Tch. A question’s a question. Bonding over physical differences and similarities is still bonding.”

“...True enough. So then what of you, ape? I know you used to be a male, unless that was a different one. You have a similar scent, but it’s noticeably different. What happened, or are there two of you?”

“Just me, for now. You can blame that blue bitch’s fucking master for turning me into a chick. I’m looking for a way to turn back, but I’m stuck for now.”

“I see. Well, at least you’re stuck in a fair form that tastes and smells nice.”

“Alright, creepy, but okay.” I walked over to a wall and sat against it, making sure to fold the cloak over my legs so I could at least pretend to be a proper lady. “So you think my uh… form is fair?”

“Yes.”

“Any particular reasons why? I thought you found me ugly.”

“Smooth, hairless skin has some… unforeseen benefits to it. And I have been alone, away from my mate, for over a month at this point. You are not exactly making the utmost effort to cover yourself, so I can hardly be blamed if my eyes wander and take in more than they should.”

Victim blaming cis scum. “If I recall, you were the one that told me to strip down, and then stay naked. You were also the one to start licking me. Seems to me that you can definitely be blamed for letting your eyes wander.”

“...Well, you aren’t complaining.”

“It’s flattering,” I said with a shrug. “But I’ll feel a lot better when I have proper clothes on and my weapons back.”

“You are free to put on your other clothes,” he said, nodding at them. “And check the pockets of your cloak. I believe I felt one knife in there.”

“And she let you just take this thing?” I asked, laying it out in front of me.

“Yes. You were there when she told me I could. Our mistress is not overly intelligent. Are you not going to change, then? I can’t imagine the… outfit she gave you is overly comfortable.”

“It isn’t. I’ll change after I check the pockets.” I started doing just that. Thank god, I found some jerky in my pockets that I had completely forgotten about. It had been days since I last ate and Trixie didn’t seem to be in a hurry to feed me, so I tore into that as I continued looking.

The next thing I found was a backup knife. It was well-made, but small enough that it could hardly do much damage. “Well, at least you have a single tooth now,” the alphyn said. “Though that doesn’t seem nearly as menacing as the much larger one you had earlier.”

“It’s not. But it’ll do until we can get to the dungeon for the rest. Let’s see what else we have in here…”

Before I could get back to eating, his eyes moved to the jerky. “And is that meat?”

“Yes, it is. I eat meat. What about it?”

“It has been… a long time since I’ve had a proper meal…”

“You don’t say.” He continued staring at it, reminding me of an old dog my grandparents had. He would always sit next to you at the dinner table, silently begging for any scraps. This guy was too sapient for good puppy-dog eyes, though. Well, that’s what I thought until he turned his eyes on me. “Ugh. You can have what’s left if I can pet you.”

His front legs twitched, but then he realized what I said. “What?”

“Dude, I haven’t eaten in days. You got to be weird by licking me, so now I get to be weird by petting you.”

He sighed and slid off the bed, then walked over and sat next to me. “I never imagined I would have to debase myself in such a way for food.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t play red rocket with you unless you really want it.”

“I don’t even want to know.” I smiled and held up the jerky. He snatched it out of my hand with one of his talons and started gnawing it down. While he was seemingly distracted, the hand closer to him started scratching at his ears. They both twitched once before going still. He did bare his teeth, but I resolved to ignore it until he started barking.

When he finished what little was left of the jerky, he actually lowered his head to give me better access, but didn’t say anything. I started moving my hand further down, scratching at his neck and back. We both ignored his leg when it started pumping slightly.

Since he was enjoying that and not likely to go for my throat, I continued searching my pockets with my other hand. Most of them were empty, but the very last one I searched had our salvation within it. When I first felt it, I didn’t quite know what it was. “Why is there a necklace in here?” I whispered, feeling around for the amulet.

That’s when I realized what it was.

I slowly pulled the alicorn amulet out of my cloak and stared at it in horrified wonder. “Dear god…”

That got Phinny’s attention and he pulled himself out of his stupor. “What?”

“This amulet! If we can get this on Twilight, she’ll become more powerful than Trixie could ever be!”

His eyes widened and one of his talons shot up to my mouth, blocking me from saying anything else and stopping me from scratching his back. “Do not say her name, ape,” he very quietly whispered. “The collars detect it. If she awakens now…”

We both sat in silence for nearly a minute, just waiting for either of the collars to light up. When he deemed that enough time passed, he removed his talons from my face. I said, “That would have been a very good thing to know before we came up with the plan to deal with her, dude.”

“...I assumed you would have figured it out.” He finally stood and walked back to the bed. “So this amulet is powerful, then?”

“Yeah, if you’re a pony, or have pony-like attributes. It gives unicorns a huge magic boost. It’s also cursed, but using it for just a small amount of time won’t hurt much.”

“So we cannot allow our mistress to obtain it.”

“Correct. And we also still need to get these collars off so we can be useful.”

“Also correct. I cannot lay an unwanted talon on her while wearing this thing, and it’ll be hard to drag her to Tartarus without touching her.”

“Good to know. Think we’ve bonded enough for her stupid mandate?”

“I am… not certain.”

“Want me to keep petting you?”

“I can’t imagine why you would possibly want to. I recall you saying that I was ugly when we first met.”

“Did I?” Flo whispered something and I smiled. “I remember saying that you were uglier than I am. Since I’m a pretty sexy motherfucker, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ugly. It just means I’m hotter. You’re a pretty handsome dude, I gotta say.”

He snorted. “That still doesn’t explain why you would want to pet me. My coat is bristly, my mane is shaggy, and I have the power to rip you limb from limb if I desired.”

“Eh. I could explain it, but you wouldn’t like the answer. If you don’t want it, you don’t want it.”

“I would prefer knowing than staying ignorant. Why, then, would you like to pet me?”

I sighed, leaning back. “Alright, I suppose I should start this off by saying I know you’re not a dog. That said, you look a lot like one, minus the very long ears and the talons.”

“I am well aware of this, ape.”

“Yeah, yeah. What you ain’t aware of is that humans and dogs have a special kind of relationship, at least on our end. When my people were still young and surrounded by predators of all kinds, we found an unlikely companion in one such predator, what we then called wolves. Our fire kept them warm and scared away their own predators at night. In turn, they helped us catch prey and protected us while we hunted. But dogs where I come from aren’t sapient, so in time, they became completely subservient to us. Wolves slowly became dogs, our most loyal and loving of pets. The bond between humans and dogs is very, very deep, and while I know you can talk and you don’t know or care about that relationship, just seeing you makes me think about it.”

“...I see. You were incorrect; I did not find that insulting. It is humbling and honoring to work at your side given such a history, as long as you remember that I am not inclined to be subservient to you.”

“I wouldn’t even dream of forgetting it. So, do you want me to pet you some more?”

His ears twitched again and he replied, “No. I believe we have bonded plenty enough. It is time to go find the yellow one.”

“I’m definitely gonna want to change first.”

“Then change. Nothing is stopping you.” I sighed and slid the amulet back in one of the pockets before standing and stripping down again. Of course, the alphyn watched my every move, not that I really blamed him. I made sure to bend over right in front of him to pick up my shirt and my panties, too. When I finally turned back, his face was actually slightly red.

“Ready?” I sweetly asked, bending over one more time for my cloak.

He cleared his throat and said, “Yes.”

I tossed the cloak over my shoulders and pulled it tightly against me. “Then let’s go. I’m sure Fluttershy’s just dying to see us.” Well, if she wasn’t too busy being asleep, that is. I started walking out and he followed me, of course. “So when you said we had to go find her, you didn’t actually mean that we had to find her, right? You know where she is?”

“I know where she was. Assuming that’s where she still is, I know where to go.”

“Then lead the way.”

“...However, I am not the one with the ring that defends against magic in a maze full of magical defenses.”

I rolled my eyes and said, “Then direct the way. I don’t care what we do, as long as we start moving.”

“The night is young yet, ape. There is no need to be in such a hurry.”

“There is if you want to keep our precious mistress all to yourself, because you just know Celestia wouldn’t let you drag her blueberry ass to hell.”

“...To the right.”

“Thank you.” I started walking the directed way, the cloak trailing me and making me shiver slightly every time it bared featherless wings to the cold. Of course, Phinny also followed me. “Would it kill that bitch to put a fucking heater in this place? You just had to burn off my damn feathers and now I’m freezing.”

“You were attempting to stick a sword in me at the time, so I consider that fair play. That said, I… apologize, ape… Navarone.”

“Oh wow, I actually got you using my name.” We got to an intersection, so I stopped.

“Left.” We started walking that way. “I know those on this side of the portals prefer actual names. I generally strive to give respect when respect is given. So for now, you are Navarone.”

“Neat. And you know, I didn’t particularly want to put a sword in you. It was strictly business, I swear.”

“I’m sure.”

“And it didn’t help that my armor is kinda possessed by an ancient evil entity that seems to want to extinguish all life.”

“I’m sure that wouldn’t help, yes. It seems that such an artifact would not be worth using.”

“Well, I didn’t learn about that until a few hours ago, or I wouldn’t have been using it. I’m probably going to beat the shit out of the person that gave it to me and then dump it in the ocean.” Or sell it to the unicorn tower. Surely nothing bad could come from that.

“That seems the wise course of action, but I can tell you right now that there are—or were, at least—many mages that would be quite interested in such an artifact.”

“It’s like you’re reading my mind, man.” The conversation tapered for a second and I awkwardly asked, “You… you can’t actually read minds, can you?”

“That is not one of the gifts my kind possesses.” Oh thank god. We got to another intersection and I stopped again. “Straight ahead.”

I continued walking, but as soon as I took another step, a wall of air slammed into me. With the ring on, all of it flowed right into my cloak instead, making it smack the alphyn in the face. I just chuckled and walked right on to the other side. As soon as I got out of the intersection, the flow of air stopped.

“Think you can follow me?” I asked.

“I… very seriously doubt it.” I removed my ring and tossed it across. He caught it and just stared at it.

“Put it on one of your talons. That should work.”

“It is… strange that you would trust me with such an important artifact, especially given that you have no way of knowing if I truly want to assist you.”

“Should I trust you?”

“Absolutely not.” He slipped the ring on and started walking across. When he got to me, he pulled the ring off and held it up. “But that doesn’t mean I will betray you.”

“Good.” I took the ring and put it back on, then continued walking. “So why did the alphyns end up in Tartarus?”

“We didn’t. Tartarus ended up around us. We made… deals some of us weren’t proud of in order to survive. But now we have one of the few free states left in that hellish domain, so perhaps it was worth it.”

“That depends entirely upon what you had to give up in the deal.”

“Yes, I suppose it does.”

We walked in silence for another few seconds before I asked, “So what were you doing with this bitch for a full month before she sent us the message?”

“I have no desire to speak or think of the things I did.”

Sounds kinky. At least half of the elementals in my head sighed. I assumed it was Aqua. “So what’s Tartarus even like?”

“Roving bands of dark and evil creatures constantly war with each other for any reason they can. Resources, land, imagined or real slights, or just on a whim. A few communities like mine have common defense pacts and come to each others’ aid when needed, though there are many times when we’re all too busy dealing with our own problems to assist each other. Tartarus is not—”

A jet of flame shot up right in front of me and he grabbed my cloak to yank me back. Right as he pulled me away, a fountain of fire erupted from the stone where I had been standing.

“That would’ve been a shitty end to a bad day,” I said, flexing my wings slightly under the cloak. “Though the ring might have made it just dissipate.”

“Perhaps.” He stood up on his hindlegs and grabbed me around the waist, then tossed me onto his back before I could protest. Then he sprinted through the hall and passed over the flame spout area before it could trigger.

“If I could’ve been riding you the whole time, why was I walking?” I asked when he stopped.

“You didn’t seem that enthused about me riding you earlier, so I assumed the offer would have been rejected out of a feeling of fair-play.”

“Well, I’m not really a fan of being raped,” I said as I slid off him. “But I do remember asking if you were interested after that.”

“The puppies in my community have an interesting concept called ‘no take-backsies’, or something of that nature. I posit that it applies here. Shall we continue?”

I started walking again and he followed. “So how did you know the flames were coming? That was a fast fucking reaction.”

“I heard the trap trigger. Our mistress is not half as clever as she would like, nor as skilled in magic. It appears that most of what she knows is sleight, and even then she’s too arrogant to put it to good use.”

“If she’s good enough to beat Twilight, she has to be pretty fucking good.”

“She did not beat the purple one in magic, ape. The first time we fought, our mistress used a headbutt. Today, she used a rock. The purple one was overconfident the first time and did not treat the fight with the care it deserved. This time, our mistress was covered by a passive shield that the purple one could not penetrate.”

“Wait, she had a shield?”

“We both did. There is an enchantment of sorts on my collar such that certain objects cannot pass through without being blocked by a shield of earth. She has a similar shield on herself, though I do not know how it is maintained. Surely you noticed that in the fight.”

“...I thought she was doing that actively. How the fuck are we supposed to fight that?”

“Overwhelm it. Pure strength is a brutish solution, but one that works wonders at times.”

“Cool. I’ll let Twilight handle that. I’ll just sit back and look pretty.” I only found it a little insulting that he didn’t reply. Then I turned my head and realized why he didn’t respond. “Jesus!” He was hunched over in pain, clutching at his ears with his talons. I hopped over next to him and knelt down. As soon as he saw me in his peripheral vision, he whimpered in pain.

Since he was clutching at his ears and I couldn’t hear anything wrong, I had to assume it was some kind of white noise that only his dog ears picked up. I grabbed his talons with my hands and tossed them out of the way, silently thanking him for not trying to fight me, and then stuffed my fingers into his ears.

That blocked off enough of the sound that he could at least think again, so he looked up at me with watery eyes, then slowly stood back up so I could follow him with my arms. When we were both situated, we started awkwardly walking on, both hoping the noise could fade away quickly.

After we got a few dozen meters down the hall, Phinny stopped and slowly pulled one of my hands away with a talon. A few seconds later, he sighed in relief and I pulled both hands away. “That was more than mildly unpleasant,” he said, shivering in pain.

“I guess it ain’t always advantageous to hear those traps coming, huh?”

He snorted. “Having dexterous digits that don’t end in sharp points would be a blessing, I imagine. Assuming, of course, you’re bipedal.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I actually got into a few debates with some griffins about having hands that can hold tools and weapons versus talons that can be used as tools and weapons.”

“What did those debates decide?”

“That some griffins are fucking idiots.” He tried to hide it by looking away, but I saw a small smile on his face. “Let’s keep going.” Once again, he fell into step behind me as we continued. “So when you guys get summoned by a unicorn, is it random? Or do you have some way of choosing who gets picked?”

“The first time is semi-random, based partially on things we choose and stipulations the summoner lays out when they summon us. They can pick from a greater alphyn and a lesser alphyn and an age group from either. We have a pool of our kind that are assigned to be summoned, and are placed into those categories. The summoner will get one of us that fit into his or her specifications. Then we and the summoner are bound, so the summoner will always get the first one he or she summoned, unless he or she drags another one of us out of the abyss. Then it will be a random choice between all the ones that have been summoned.”

“And you just got the short end of the stick with Tri—the blue bitch.”

“Yes.”

“And you have to follow every order they give unless it’s one that would kill you?”

“Unfortunately. I have done many, many things of which I am not proud.”

Sounds even kinkier. One of the elementals, also probably Aqua, smacked me in the back of the head. “Well, if I knew magic, I’d summon you and we could go bar hopping or something. Get you so drunk you’d forget all those big words you keep using.”

“I don’t know what bar hopping is or what being drunk would entail. I’m also not certain I would want to be summoned again. After… this, I think I will attempt to have my status as a familiar revoked.”

Tch. Some wingman you are.

“Not like you would need help to get laid,” Aqua said. “Just open your legs a little and I imagine all the stallions you could ever want would be all over you.”

Yeah, if I wanted stallions. “Understandable,” I said. “I wish I could tell everyone looking for my help to just fuck off. Life would be a lot easier.”

“Do you not have freedom of choice, Navarone? If you would like, I can drag you back to Tartarus with me as well. I can’t promise life would be overly easy there, however.”

“I always have the choice to say no, but I have the responsibility to say yes. And I think I will definitely pass on going to Tartarus, especially with someone that said he and his kind exist as familiars to try to kidnap people and turn them into slaves.”

“It is not… entirely unheard of for a being brought into Tartarus to enjoy limited freedom in our community. Still, it was an offer made mostly in jest. After seeing you in action, you do not seem the type to be subservient to another, and my kind have rather rigid castes.”

“Yeah, fuck that. I work better when I can be pointed at a problem and told to deal with it. Although being a leader can definitely suck sometimes. There’s a reason I got away from being a queen as quickly as possible.”

“Aside from being forced to wear heels?”

“Oh my god, don’t remind me. Ugh, dressing up is just the worst. Don’t even get me started on the fucking makeup. Those fucking monkeys spent an hour a day getting me ready. Being a girl sucks.” If you know what I mean. Aqua face-palmed.

“Yes, I can certainly imagine it wouldn’t be easy. Especially if your kind go into heat and have live-births.”

“We do have live-births, but we have a process that’s different from heat. It involves a lot more bleeding from our vagina and leaking egg stuff than it does getting horny.”

“Our females bleed as they go into heat. Most dog-like races do.”

“You learn something new every day, I guess. Either way, it’s fucking disgusting and I hate my vagina. I really want my dick back.”

“Part of being happy is accepting one’s self, Navarone.”

“Being happy is overrated. Happiness doesn’t fix problems. Contentment doesn’t get things done. You want something changed or fixed? Get mad. Get pissed. Humanity has gotten more things done in anger and in spite than they have ever done because they were happy. You want to know what contentment brings? Complacency. My lifespan was multiplied by ten, and I still won’t live long enough to be happy. I’m not gonna be like the damn ponies, too placid and accepting to ever try to act. Fuck that. Life sucks and that pisses me off, and because I’m pissed, I’m gonna try to make it better.”

“You have problems.”

“I have humanity.”

“Then humanity is a problem.”

“Strangely enough, I can’t say you’re wrong. One thing I’ve noticed about my kind… and myself, for that matter, is that we always seem to want more. We all have our vices and it seems we can never have enough. Money, power, sex, violence, knowledge. It seems so hard to be happy just with what you have.”

“Foolish.”

“Maybe. It kept us going, though. We wouldn’t have gotten to the moon if we didn’t want it enough.” He just snorted and we continued in silence for several more seconds. Finally, I said, “Before I was forcibly introduced to other sapient races, I honestly thought that need for more would be a requirement for rational thought. If you could think, you’d automatically want. It… astounds me that other races don’t have that burning need in them. I can’t help but wonder what it is about my kind that we have such a thing in us.”

“Some races do, Navarone. Dragons, for example. And it seems our mistress had an overwhelming need for beating the purple one.”

“Dragons, I’ll grant you. But I don’t think a goal or a desire is the same as what humans have in them. I don’t really know, since I haven’t really thought about it that much.”

“Hm. Stop.” I froze in place, since I didn’t know exactly what he meant. He slowly walked past me, looking at the wall to our right. “Let me use your ring.” Since it seemed we weren’t right in front of a trap, I set my foot down and passed him the ring. He put it on and straight up punched the wall. I winced in what I thought would be shared pain, but his talons went right through. “As I thought.” He removed the ring and tried poking the wall. It acted like just any other wall.

“This’ll be a conundrum,” I said. “But one I’ve solved before. The ring can work on two people if they both have it on. I put it on the tip of my finger, you put it on the tip of your talon. We both go through carefully.”

“Sounds simple enough. Let me judge the size of the hole.” He slid the ring back on and stuck his arm through, then walked around until he figured out how big the thing was. It would be easy for us to walk through side by side, so that’s just what we did.

When we got through, I put the ring back on and asked, “So how much further do we need to go? This shit’s getting ridiculous.”

“She should be at the end of this hall. It has been… easier to get to her than I thought.”

“We aren’t there yet.”

“Indeed we aren’t, but we can see the door from here.” It was a very plain door, too. “Hopefully there won’t be many traps in this hall.”

“You just had to fucking jinx it.” I started walking and he followed me, of course. Within the first few feet, my eyes caught some movement down the end of the hall and I jumped to the side. The alphyn saw my reaction and followed me, so the long spike that shot out missed us both. “Don’t think my ring woulda stopped that.”

“I rather doubt it,” he replied as it started slowly retracting.

Thinking quickly and possibly stupidly, I jumped to it and grabbed the thing, hoping it was strong enough to carry me. Somewhat surprisingly, it was and did, slowly pulling me all the way down the hall and completely bypassing all the pressure plates. When the part I was holding started sliding into the wall, I let go and got ready to move in case there was another trap under me. Thankfully, there wasn’t, so I turned back to the alphyn with a smile on my face.

“Cheater,” he called.

“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it. Trigger the trap again and do what I did.”

He rolled his eyes and got low to the ground, then crawled to the pressure plate for the trap. After checking to make sure I was out of the way and that it wouldn’t hit him, he triggered it again. Sure enough, the thing shot out. When it stopped, Phinny jumped up and wrapped both pairs of legs around it, letting it slowly pull him to me.

When we were both at the end of the hall, he asked, “So how are we going to get back?”

“That’s future me’s problem. Is this a magic door?”

“I don’t know.”

I shrugged and reached out a hand to open it. Unfortunately, it was locked. Even worse, it started talking. “Anyone that seeks to open this door must answer my riddle. There are two sisters—”

“Celestia and Luna.” The door clicked and I opened it without a problem. When I looked over, the alphyn was looking at me very strangely. “I’ve heard that one before.” He just shrugged and I walked in. Fluttershy was lying on a very nice and comfy-looking bed in the middle of the room. There was some kind of light above her that was shooting down slow moving little stars, covering the entire bed. I could only guess those were keeping her asleep and probably keeping her from starving.

“She looks quite peaceful,” the alphyn said when he joined me at her bedside.

“She usually does,” I said, crossing my arms and wondering how I was going to go about getting her to wake up. “So what do you think?”

He started slowly circling the bed. When he got to the foot, he stopped and said, “There is an inscription here. ‘Only true love’s first kiss can wake this fair maiden from her eternal slumber.’” He looked back up to me. “Drag her out of the bed?”

“Drag her out of the bed.” I slowly put my hand on the bed to make sure it wouldn’t fall asleep. When nothing happened, I reached both arms over and grabbed her front legs. She didn’t respond at all, so I started pulling. She slid right out of the blankets and then off the bed, hitting it with an uncomfortable sounding thunk.

She didn’t wake up.

“Well, I’m out of ideas,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Can you get your ring on her?”

“How? Bitch doesn’t have talons or fingers. Her ears are too wide. Using her tongue risks choking her. It doesn’t work on hair.” He walked over and flipped her onto her back, then gently poked one of her nipples. “Too small.”

“It worked on just the tip of my talon and the tip of your finger, did it not?”

I shrugged, pulled the ring off, and put it on one of her nipples. Sure enough, nothing happened. “I wasn’t expecting this to be so hard.”

“...Want to try kissing her?”

“A week ago, I would have tried it. But a few days ago, I kinda… crushed all of her hope.”

“That is very, very inconvenient.”

“You’re telling me.” I prodded her with my foot, trying to think of something. Piercing her ear was an option, but she’d wake up and be in a ton of pain. Forcing it around her ear was also an option, but again, it could hurt and worse, it might get stuck. “It just had to be a kiss, didn’t it? Sex would have been so much…” I stopped, my eyes slowly trailing down her body.

“What?”

“God, I can’t believe I’m about to do this…” I knelt down next to Fluttershy’s posterior and pulled apart her lower lips, then held up the ring.

“By the fire, don’t tell me you’re actually going to…”

What do you know, the ring fit around her clit perfectly, because fuck me, right?

Or fuck her, I guess.

As soon as I put the ring on, I pulled my hand away and backed up. Sure enough, because my life is designed to suck, both of her eyes slowly opened and she weakly groaned.

“Welcome back to the world of the living,” I said, crossing my arms.

“W-what?” she whispered, lifting her head and looking around. “Oooh, I’m so sore…”

“Well, you’ve kinda been asleep for a few days.”

“...What?” And then she finally noticed that she wasn’t exactly at home. “Where are we?!”

“It’s kinda a long story. You got kidnapped, Twilight and I came to rescue you, we kinda failed, and now we need your help. Actually, that wasn’t a really long story, was it?”

“K-k-kidnapped?!” she squeaked, finally sitting up and widening her eyes like crazy.

“Well, ponynapped, whatever you guys call it. Can you take off this collar?”

“I… I don’t understand! Who would ponynap me?”

“Someone that wanted to get to Twilight. Not important. Can you take off this collar?”

“T-Twilight… where is she?” Fluttershy finally looked around the room and winced slightly when she saw Phinny.

“She’s busy, and sent me and Phinny to get you. I’ll explain everything if you can just take off this fucking collar.”

Her eyes finally went to it and she blinked. “Um. Nav, why are you wearing a collar?”

“That’s part of the everything I’ll explain when you take it off. It’s enchanted so that only someone not wearing it can remove it.”

She rather noisily gulped and then reached up to very carefully undo the nasty thing and take it off my neck. When it was finally gone, I sighed in relief, then stuffed it into a pocket. Then I reached over and removed Phinny’s and stuffed it into a pocket as well.

“Alright, I said I would explain. You should just get more comfortable, because it kinda is a long story. Here, sit on this bed.”

She slowly rolled over and shakily got to her legs. Since they hadn’t really moved in a few days, I imagined they’d be really, really sore. As soon as she was standing, though, she stopped. “I… I feel funny… back there,” she said, turning her head to look at her ass.

“That’s something else I can explain,” I said. “Just lie on the bed, please.” She gulped again and slowly got onto the bed, though she gave the stars a very worried look first. “Alright, there was a spell on you that put you to sleep. I had to cancel it somehow and I had a difficult time getting the ring on you without hurting you. Unfortunately, it was a perfect fit on your clitoris.”

Her eyes very slowly went wide and after a few seconds, she opened her mouth to squeal, but I shot my hand out to her vag and pulled the ring off before she could make a sound. The squeal turned into a yawn and she only had time to look surprised before passing back out.

“Alright, let’s go,” I said, putting the ring back on.

“...Are you sure it is wise to just leave her here, Navarone?” the alphyn asked.

“Well, it’s better than taking her with us. You saw how she was.”

“...Yes, we do not need a milquetoast impeding our battle against Trixie.”

I almost asked him what milk or toast had to do with anything, but then Flo explained it and I rolled my eyes. “Now you’re just showing off. Let’s go deal with that blueberry cunt.”

“This is going to be very, very satisfying. How are we going to do it?”

“Well, first we have to get to the dungeon so I can get my weapons. Then I go into the dream place to talk to Twilight and tell her that I’ll put the amulet on her. Then I do so and she kicks Trixie’s ass. Everybody wins.”

“I see a few downsides to that plan. If you fight Trixie without me there, I cannot get an order that would kill me. Same for beating her too quickly.”

“Well, we have to overwhelm her shield. But which is more important, do you think: All of us getting free from that bitch or you getting to keep her?”

“While that is a good point, I would still very much prefer to keep her.”

“Unless you want to wake them both up before trying to fight or wait until morning, I don’t really know what else we can do. And either way, we need to get to the dungeon. Hell, maybe Twilight can give us an answer.” Since it seems that the two supercomputer artificial intelligences in my head can’t.

“Perhaps. Let us retire to the dungeon, then. It would be good to arm you quickly in case she awakens.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice.” I started walking to the door. Soon, we were both standing in front of the long hallway from hell. “Thoughts?”

“How quickly can you run, Navarone?” the alphyn asked, lowering himself to a quadrupedal sprinting stance.

“Not as fast as you, but hopefully faster than any traps. Just remember, though: If we book it, you’ll be stuck at the end until I share the ring.”

“A risk we shall have to take, unless you feel like dragging the bed out here and using it to catch all the traps.”

I looked behind us for a second and turned back. “It wouldn’t even fit through the door.

“Then shall we?”

“On three?” He nodded. “One. Two. THREE!”

We both fucking sprinted down the hall, triggering god knows how many traps behind us. Thankfully, they were designed to stop things from getting to Fluttershy, not to stop people from getting away. I still felt a few things pulling at my cloak, and when we got to the final fake wall, I found that it was partially in tatters. All my stuff was still in it, though, so it wasn’t too much of a loss.

“Not too shabby,” I said, scratching at his neck without even thinking about it. He tensed slightly, but didn’t comment. “So you ready to go?”

“...Yes. The ring?”

I started to hold up my hand, but then I noticed something I thought was weird: The floor wasn’t under us anymore. Then we started falling and I realized that maybe not all of the traps were there to stop people from getting to Fluttershy.

The tunnel we fell into started curving almost as soon as we got into it, so I had a feeling we wouldn’t splatter onto the floor. Or at least, I wouldn’t, because the alphyn ended up under me when the thing curved.

That fear was rendered moot when the thing turned fully horizontal and we shot out of a hole in the wall of a prison cell that wasn’t even closed. “What the hell was that?” I asked when we stopped moving, rubbing at my even sorer ass.

“That was a trap door,” he rather uselessly replied. “But there’s some good news, at least: We’re in the dungeon now.”

“Wow. Way to go, Trixie.” Of course, I wasted no time getting out of the cell in case the door was supposed to automatically close eventually or something. “Why do you think she didn’t even bother closing the door?”

“Because she isn’t exactly the most intelligent being out there. It’s probable she left this door open in case she forgot about that particular trap and got caught in here herself, and never even expected anyone to get that far.”

“Not gonna hear me complain. Where’s my stuff?”

“Right this way,” he answered, finally leaving the cell and walking down the narrow pathway leading to the only lit torch I had seen the entire time. We walked past a few rows of cells before getting to a large closet and what I figured was the exit. We went into the closet, which is where all of my stuff ended up being.

I immediately went to my gun and released the pressure in it, then checked it over for damage. There was no way I was going to trust the scope on it until I sighted it in again, but at least it wasn’t cracked. I detached it and set the rifle down, then walked over to my armor. “What do you think?” I asked, standing over it.

“You said it was cursed.”

“It is.”

“And it protects you from both my fire and my claws.”

“It does.”

“Is a possible curse worth your life?”

“You have to answer that question, too. If I’m in control, I won’t kill you. Hurt you, if I have to, but I won’t kill you. If that thing gets in control, it will.”

“Well then, how does it take over?”

“I think it did so when the blood from your nose mixed with the blood from my wing and touched it.”

“Simple. I don’t make you bleed and you don’t make me bleed. If I’m told to attack you, I’ll go for your armor only.”

“And I’ll just punch you in your face a lot until you stop being a dick.”

“So put it on.”

I sighed and felt my wings sag a little. “Alright. It’s been a while since a guy actually told me to put on clothes, though.” I removed the cloak and started putting on the dark armor.

“For one that finds her new body a curse, you seem to be partaking in its pleasures more than would be expected.”

“If it feels good and everyone is consenting, it can’t be wrong. I’d much rather punch a girl in the back of the throat with my dick than get rammed in the cooch by a stallion, but I’ll take what I can get for the moment.”

“It is… different to see one who is so open to discussing such things. Especially in such a vulgar manner. Those back in my community are much more conservative.”

“They were where I came from, too. But then I came to Equestria and became a long-haired, free-loving hippy, minus all the parts about peace and brotherly love or whatever.”

“Peace…” He sighed, shaking his head. “Peace is a word I rarely get to use. Rarely get to think about. I think I would enjoy peace.”

“Sometimes you would. But once you bite the bullet, once you become a real veteran… Once you’ve fought enough, been through enough, killed enough, you find yourself missing it. Peace is nice, but very, very overrated. And besides, there’s nothing that keeps a community organized and together like saying there’s a group right next door that wants to kill them.”

“You are a disturbingly cynical individual.”

“Being neglected as a kid does that to you.” I finished with strapping on my sword and slowly putting on my helmet. “Anything else I need to know before we start fighting her?”

“If she gives me an order that frees me from her, I will be able to return to Tartarus when I please. If your purple friend is less kind than you are and actually attempts to harm me, I will leave empty-taloned.”

“Trust me, Twilight’s plenty kind. But she’s also racist, as much as she tries to deny it, so she might not be happy to let you take away a pony. I’ll see what I can do, though.” I swooped my cloak back onto my shoulders and then grabbed my rifle and its scope. “Shall we, then?”

“Let’s.” He led the way back out of the closet and then the dungeon. “So what manner of weapon is that around your shoulder? I rarely get much interaction with bipeds on the other side these days, so I don’t know much about weapons anymore, but that looks and acts nothing like what I do remember.”

“This is a gun,” I said, unshouldering it and holding it up. “It holds a canister of sharp projectiles and uses compressed air to fire them at extremely rapid speeds very accurately and over a distance of around three hundred or so meters.”

“Impressive. When was this invented?”

“Several million years ago. Then Discord killed off humanity and pretty much everything was lost.”

“...What?”

“It’s a long story. Basically, there’s this demon or entity or evil thing that calls itself Discord. It killed off my people some ungodly length of time ago. Then it killed off or imprisoned most of the constructs my people left behind to shepherd the new races we invented. Then some stuff happened and some time passed and finally it killed off the alicorn race, save for Celestia and Luna. Now it’s active again and I’m getting some stuff together to try to stop it.”

“That’s not a very long story.”

“Fine. It’s a long story when told in a way that isn’t extremely abbreviated.”

“The same could be true of almost anything.”

“Fuck you. Anyway, the purple chick we’re going to save accidentally summoned me from the past or something stupid like that.”

“Why didn’t you use this gun in the fight before? You did have another ranged weapon, but it appeared rather shoddily made and had nothing of the finesse of this one.”

“I didn’t have this weapon before. I went back to the past and got it and some other stuff. That’s part of the long story that isn’t so long when it’s abbreviated.”

“It seems you have led a very interesting life.”

“Yeah. It reminds me of an old curse from back in my time. ‘May you live in interesting times.’ It wasn’t until after I started living in them that I realized what a curse it truly is.”

“My kind knows that as well, I’m afraid…”

Since that seemed to start a lull in the conversation, I thought, Flo, I’m gonna go see if Twilight’s asleep. Assume direct control. Just like that, I was pushed back into the garden of my mind. Before Aqua could do or say anything bitchy, I went into the dream world.

Unfortunately, I forgot that she could attach herself to me like a nasty little parasite, and didn’t have the decency to care when she wasn’t wanted. “If you are going to visit my host, I would like to attend,” she said.

“Would like to or are going to?” I asked.

“Yes. Is she here?”

I sighed and looked around, thinking of Twilight to make her dream come to the forefront. There were only two lights even remotely close to me anyway, so I figured she was there. Sure enough, one of the two was Twilight’s. As tempting as it was to bust into Trixie’s dream and try to give her a heart attack by nightmare, I didn’t really want to risk waking her up.

Especially since she was having an erotic dream already.

Surprisingly, Twilight wasn’t having a nightmare. I know I had terrible dreams the first time I got raped. But then, I guess Twilight didn’t actually get raped, just almost raped. Either way, I let myself in, interrupting the tea party she was having with her pony friends (I wasn’t invited, apparently).

“Oh Nav, you came!” Twilight happily said when I appeared. She blinked and suddenly I found myself both female again and in a yellow sun dress, then Taya appeared by my side. “We didn’t think you’d have time…”

“To be fair, I kinda don’t,” I said as I walked up to her. She blinked again, not quite understanding, and then I laid my hand on her head. The dream-confusion slowly left her eyes and was replaced by clarity.

“Dear Celestia,” she whispered, backing away and shivering. The fake ponies disappeared around us and the sky became slightly darker. “I think I preferred dreaming…”

“Yeah, most of that was a lot nicer than where we actually are. Minus the part where I’m a chick and in a dress.”

“...It looks nice on you. Just once before we leave again, I’d like to see you wearing one out in Ponyville.”

“That’s nice. Now, I need you to concentrate on me. Remember that we’re in a dream and anything you do or think can change it.”

“...Right. Why are you here, though? I thought you said Celestia was coming…”

“I’m impatient. The alphyn and I are coming. I have the alicorn amulet with me. When we get to Trixie’s room, I’m going to put the amulet on you and then you’re going to wreck her shit.”

“As much as I really, really want to hurt her for what she did to me, why do I need to? If Celestia’s coming, I can just stop her from doing any magic.”

“Because we aren’t in the castle anymore. I have no fucking clue where we are and neither does Celestia. She’s just going to the castle to look for clues. We could be in a place where Trixie has complete control. We have to be careful. Also, remember that the alphyn is innocent. He has no choice but to follow Trixie’s orders. Try not to hurt him too much, but be ready to pretend to kill him so Trixie won’t order him at you.”

“...Alright. But I could just send him back to Tartarus where he belongs.”

“He said he wants to see the end of this just as much as we do. He’s not that dangerous to me since I’m back in my armor and you can just truss him up with magic.”

“...Alright. But Celestia doesn’t really like familiars that much. If he’s still here when she gets here, she’ll definitely send him back.”

“Noted. There’s one more thing I need to tell you. Trixie has some kind of innate magic shield that blocks all attacks.”

“I know. Overwhelming it would be hard without the alicorn amulet. It should be easy with it. I’ll just need you to be ready to step in and tell me if I’m going too far. That amulet corrupts you quickly and it’s supposed to be very addicting.”

“I’ll be there for you, don’t you worry. And I’m wearing the ring, so I can give you a spanking if you don’t behave.”

“Joy of joys,” she sarcastically replied.

“Also, can you cast that teddy bear spell on other people?”

“It’s possible, but I wouldn’t do that to anyone. This is awful.”

“Can you still feel things?”

“Yes. See, feel, hear. Presumably taste. I just can’t move at all.”

“...Could you do it to Rainbow Dash? I absolutely guarantee that she would love that in sex.”

“You’re disgusting and Rainbow Dash is my friend. I wouldn’t do anything like that to her.”

“But you straight up asked me to help you practice BDSM?” The sky turned a shade more red. “On second thought, there are better places to have this conversation. We’ll be there soon, Twilight.”

“I’m definitely looking forward to it. I remember having an itch on my nose before I fell asleep and just thinking about it is annoying me.”

“Well, you’re going to need to be awake when we get there, so…” Before she could say anything, I pulled up a handgun and shot her in the face. The dream dissolved just like that and threw me back into the anteroom, thankfully away from Trixie’s dream. “So did you just come along for the ride?” I asked Aqua.

“I wanted to ensure she was okay. She looked okay to me.”

“You could have said hi. Or, you know, told her you weren’t dead.”

“...I suppose I probably should have, now that I think about it.”

“Aqua, you’re kind of a bitch. No offense.” She didn’t reply, so I popped myself out of the dream realm and into Flo’s glade. “Flo, I’m back. Twilight’s good.”

“Excellent. Putting you back in control.”

I blinked once and then realized I was in the middle of a step, which almost turned into a trip before I caught myself. Then I noticed the alphyn was talking. “...and that was the last time I was forced to cheat on my mate. I suppose it was fun in the short term, but the memories still haunt me to this day.”

Jesus Christ, Flo, what the fuck did you even ask him? She started to say something, but I followed up with, You know I was just asking to be polite; I don’t actually care. She just sighed.

“I’m not really a fan of cheating or being an accomplice to it, either,” I said. “I don’t have many morals, but I stick to the ones I have. You tell her?”

“No. My kind don’t talk much.”

“I bet you really hate being away from home, man.”

“Not always. Adjusting back and forth can be difficult, though. Thankfully, Trixie talks to hear her own voice and rarely expects or wants a reply, as you found earlier, so adjusting won’t be that hard for me. I imagine it will be for her, though.”

“Yeah. I would tell you to send me some postcards detailing her progress, but I can’t imagine the Equestrian Postal Service runs through Tartarus.”

“And writing with talons is not a simple task, nor one I ever learned. It has been many full moon rotations since I even picked up a book, let alone read one.”

“That sucks, but makes me think of something. You ever been summoned by a changeling?”

“No. There is a special branch of my kind dedicated to dealing with those abominations.”

“Now when you say dealing with…”

“My kind works with them just the same as with ponies. It just takes a special kind of training to avoid being turned into a love hound. Now, we are nearing her chamber. Are you going to speak with the purple one in her dreams?”

“Already did, while we were walking. She’s awake and ready.”

“That is a very interesting skill. How did you speak to her while we were walking?”

“Hard to explain.” I could see Trixie’s door at that point, so I didn’t elaborate. “Are you ready?”

“How are we going to do this? Do you have a plan aside from putting the amulet on the purple one and backing away?”

“Yeah. I’m going to sprint away instead of just ‘back away’. She’s kinda pissed. Even with a magic resisting ring, getting in the way of that wouldn’t be smart.”

“Well then, shall we?”

“Let’s.” I very slowly opened Trixie’s door just a tiny amount and waited. When nothing happened, I opened it a tad bit more, just enough that I could slide inside, then eased it shut enough that I could just barely see. All four of Trixie’s legs were wrapped around Twilight, who had at some point found her way under the blanket. As tempting as it was to pull out Excalibur and test Trixie’s shield, I figured freeing Twilight would be more intelligent.

Unfortunately, Trixie’s legs were in the way of Twilight’s neck, so even if I got the necklace around her oversized head, it probably wouldn’t take effect. Since doing it the easy way wasn’t an option, I walked back to the wall and flipped on the light. Trixie flinched, but didn’t wake up, so I walked back to the bed, pulling out my sword.

She made no response, so I lightly tapped her on the side of the head with the flat of my sword. That got her to flinch again and slowly look my way with bleary, red eyes. “Yo, what’s up?” I asked, nodding. She squawked and pushed Twilight away in a scramble to get out of bed. Since she was now awake, I brought the sword down right on top of her, doing nothing but summoning a rock out of nowhere to block it.

She hit the floor on all four legs and smirked up at me. “Your treasonous plan will not work, ape! Trixie sees a simple spanking isn’t enough to teach you a lesson. Perhaps you need to be caned. Or maybe Trixie should give Phinny several rejuvenating spells and let him play with Twilight while you watch. What do you think of that, hmm?”

I just looked behind her, where Twilight was now back to a pony. Trixie saw my look and turned around, confused. “I’ll pass, thank you,” Twilight said, her horn lighting up. Trixie squawked again as she was covered by a blanket. She started trying to fight her way out while I walked over to Twilight and dropped the amulet around her neck. “Thank you.”

The blanket flashed and then burned away. Trixie appeared out from under it, glaring up a massive storm. “PHINNY! GET IN HERE!” I assumed she was trying to use the collars, but it didn’t really matter since he was standing right outside. That was an order he couldn’t ignore, so he walked right in. Trixie had time to give him a confused stare before a wall of flames engulfed her from below, and then some kind of transparent red box covered her from above.

“Trixie, you are not very intelligent,” Twilight sadly said, shaking her head. Trixie was slamming her hooves against the invisible wall, trying to get out, while the rocks under her blocking her from the flames slowly turned red-hot. “It never, never should have come to this. But you tortured Nav and had him raped, you killed Aqua, and you turned me into… that! I’m sorry, Trixie, but it’s time for you to go to sleep now. And I’m afraid you’re never going to wake up. The feeling of oxygen deprivation should hit you soon, as the flames eat more of the air. It’ll be relatively painless.”

The alphyn and I shared a very disturbed look. “Uh, Twilight?” I said, looking back to her. She was staring grimly at Trixie, who was actually starting to clutch at her throat.

“Yes, Nav?” Twilight asked, not looking away.

“This is… cruel. Even for me, this is pretty fucked up. I can make it quick, if you just break her shield.”

Twilight seemed to have an internal debate for a few seconds before sighing and hanging her head. The fire dissipated and Trixie collapsed to the ground, panting. Then some kind of ice spike slammed into her from above, grinding down onto a rock shield before eventually shattering the stone.

“P-Phinny,” Trixie hoarsely whispered. “K-kill!”

Twilight’s horn lit up immediately and another spike appeared right next to Phinny’s throat. “Don’t even think about it,” Twilight said.

“That would kill me, Trixie,” the alphyn said. “My shield is gone, as you can see.”

“Trixie… ORDERS you, Phinny! Save me!”

The alphyn’s eyes lit up red and his body pulsed white. “You have broken the accord, Trixie,” the alphyn said, bending down to an attack position. “I obey you no longer!”

“Yep, she’s yours,” I said, crossing my arms.

Twilight looked sharply up at me. “What?”

“I made a deal with him,” I said. “He helps me get to you, he gets Trixie if she breaks the agreement. She broke it, so she’s his.”

“But… that’s even worse than what I was doing!”

“Yeah, but I’m a fucking monster, so I don’t care. Phinny, she’s yours.”

“Thank you, Navarone.” He started walking to Trixie, but she screamed and parts of her horn lit up. Before she could cast any kind of magic, I jumped forward and kicked her right in the broken horn. She continued screaming as all the little parts hanging in the air shot all around the room, completely disabling her magic yet again.

“She’s all yours, buddy.”

“I… don’t know about this, Nav,” Twilight said as the alphyn walked back up to Trixie. She was staring up at him with absolute horror in her eyes, at the moment. The alphyn was just grinning, baring his fangs in delight.

“A deal’s a deal,” I said with a shrug.

When the alphyn got close enough, Trixie finally pounced away from him, jumping toward Twilight. I stopped her with a boot to the gut, though, kicking her away from Twilight and back onto the ground. “P-please, d-don’t do this to me!” she whispered, giving me a very tear-filled look. “I’ll… I’ll show you where your friend is!”

“The alphyn already did.” The alphyn that was standing right behind Trixie now, too. “Take her away.”

“Please, ape!” Trixie howled. The alphyn grinned and put one of his talons on her back, but I held up my hand and knelt down next to Trixie. Her eyes had so much hope in them…

“My name is Navarone. Remember it. And remember what happens when you cross me.” I stood back up and nodded at the alphyn. Trixie finally started crying as they were both absorbed into the earth. I turned back to Twilight with a wide smile on my face. “Well then, shall we?”

She had a look of abject horror on her face at the moment, actually. “How can you call ME cruel?!”

“Hey, just because I’m also cruel doesn’t mean I can’t point out that you are as well.”

“You… you just sent Trixie to Tartarus!”

“Yep. Oh, and she didn’t kill Aqua, by the way. She’s in my head now.”

“You… you…” Twilight took a very deep breath and slowly let it out, then reached up to the amulet and pulled it off, dropping it on the floor. “I can’t promise not to tell Celestia about this, Nav,” she said.

“I’m going to tell her myself.” I knelt down to grab the amulet and started to stand back up, but Twilight put a hoof on my shoulder to stop me.

“Nav, that was wrong.”

“Was it really?” I asked. “If we had done it your way, she would have died. If we had given her to Celestia, she probably would have been given to Chrysalis. And there’s no way we’d both be having this conversation if I didn’t make that deal with the alphyn. And because we have no way of knowing where the absolute fuck we are right now, it could be weeks before Celestia finds us. I can’t say it was a good thing to do. But all of our choices were bad. I picked the choice that was the best for us.”

“And the familiar!”

“He was being tortured just like us,” I said. “He’d been here for a month now, being experimented on by Trixie. There’s no telling what else she did to him, since he wasn’t in a hurry to explain. He has a wife and kids that he doesn’t want to be away from. So yes, this choice was also the best for him. But I don’t see how that’s a bad thing, since he’s not a bad guy.”

“He’s a familiar! He’s from bucking Tartarus, Nav! Of course he’s evil!”

“That’s racist.” She dropped her hoof and looked away, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around her. “I know it’s hard,” I said as something slipped out of my ear and presumably into hers. “But it’s a tough, nasty decision that had to be made.”

“I… I know, Nav. It’s just… why did it have to be this way? If…”

“Life’s unfair. You can say if all you want, but that’s never going to change what actually is. Trixie was given a bad hand in life and she handled it poorly. And as much as I know you need to keep rationalizing this, we still have a friend that’s in danger. I had to leave Fluttershy behind because she would have just gotten in the way, but now we need to go get her.”

Twilight took another deep, shuddering breath and then let it out before gently pushing me away. “You’re right. Let’s go. And… keep that amulet hidden. I already feel myself wanting it.”

“Aqua can probably help with that,” I said as I slipped it into a pocket. “You think we should check for any magic items in here before we go?”

“Fluttershy might be in danger, Nav. We should get to her as quickly as possible.”

“I may have been… overstating things. I left her snoring on a bed past a hallway full of traps. Ain’t nothing gonna get to her and she isn’t going to wake up until she gets pulled off that bed.”

“Ah. Then yes, I am… quite interested in what Trixie has in here. But before we start, do you need any healing? I know she had her familiar… mistreat you.”

“Him? Nah, that big puppy didn’t lay an unwanted talon on me. Trixie was too fucking retarded to tell him to actually have sex with me, and he didn’t want to cheat on his mate, so he barely even touched me.”

“...So she didn’t have him rape you and she didn’t kill Aqua. And she didn’t even touch me inappropriately, though she really, really wanted to. Nav, I think we got off easy.”

“Oh yeah. Especially since Discord stopped by for a visit.”

Twilight blinked and then her eyes went wide. “Sweet Celestia, that was Discord! He was right in front of me!”

“Was he sexy?” She gave me a very flat look for that. “Hey, you never know. Evil’s supposed to be sexy, or so I heard.” She rolled her eyes. “Just sayin’.”

“He wasn’t. In fact, he was rather horrifying. He was… an amalgamation of animals. I think he’s called a draconequus.”

“That’s retarded. He’s just a chimera.”

Twilight shrugged. “I might be wrong. It’s been a while since I read that book. But there was a statue of something like him in the palace gardens.”

“Not like him, no,” I said, shaking my head. “That was him, according to Reginald. That’s what the elements of harmony did to him, and that’s why I absolutely do not want to get hit by those damn things.”

“...They turned him into stone?” Twilight whispered, her eyes widening.

“Yeah. Doesn’t seem very harmonic to me.”

“...Sometimes evil must be stopped at any cost. Didn’t you just demonstrate that with Trixie?”

“I’m not saying it was bad. I don’t know the situation, I don’t know the specifics or what was lost. But you saw the end, Twilight. We were in that book world together when Celestia and Luna hit him with the elements. Did he strike you as the kind of person to go into that without knowing what was happening?”

“True. But still…”

“But still, we weren’t there. Celestia and Luna were the last alicorns for six thousand years because of him, Twilight. He killed humanity. Killed the elementals, and god knows what else. If any motherfucker deserves to be stoned for eternity, it would be that one.”

“...Let’s just loot the room.”

Her tone brooked no argument, so I walked over to one of the drawers and pulled one out. She walked over to the dresser and started rooting through it. There was actually nothing in the top drawer, so I pushed it closed and opened the middle one. There was a disturbingly large purple dildo in there. I blinked a few times and pushed that one closed, then opened the bottom one, which contained all the rest of her sex toys.

Since I’m an awful, awful person, I grabbed the largest toy there then opened the middle drawer and grabbed the purple one. “Hey Twilight, catch,” I said, tossing it at her. She looked toward me just in time to grab the dildo with her magic. Before a look of disgust could come to her face, I held up my black double-ender. “En garde!”

She slowly looked up at me, her face turning red. “You… you’re joking, right?”

I jabbed toward her a few times, smiling widely. “Nope!” She slowly face-hoofed before pointing the toy at me.

“Alright. You brought this on yourself, though.”

Her toy thrust itself at me and I knocked it away, then jumped forward to try to hit Twilight. Her toy shot back in front of me right at the last second, though. Since my weapon was diverted, she tried hitting me with hers, but I dodged aside and let it soar past, then smacked Twilight across the face with my toy.

Twilight stood there in silence for a few seconds, my dildo pressed against her face. Then the light around her horn disappeared and she backed up. “I’m sorry, I just… No.”

“Ugh, fine.” I tossed the toy aside and added, “But we’re doing this when we get back to Ponyville, and we’re both going to be naked.”

“Now that, I can agree to. But we are not going to use someone else’s toys for that. There’s no telling where she stuck them, or worse, when she last washed them.”

“All good points. You find anything?”

“No. I… don’t think she really had much. I don’t think this place has been here long, wherever we are. It’s obviously magical in nature, since there are lights without any fixtures. I doubt she had the chance to accumulate much.”

“Then fuck this. I have the magic collars in one of my pockets, so you can play with those when we leave.”

“Oh, those. I believe I know how she made them, but I’ll want to look just in case. It might be possible to reprogram them.”

“Have fun with that. You want to go get Fluttershy and find the way out of this place now?”

“Yes. You said you know where she is?”

“Yeah. We’ll just have to stop by the alphyn’s room first, since that’s where we went from. After that, Flo or Aqua can direct us.”

“Excellent. Then lead the way.” I started doing so, leaving Trixie’s old room behind. “Do you know when Celestia should get to the old castle?”

“Nope. It’s probably been two or three hours since I told her, though it barely feels like that. I’d say a max of eight hours. She was going to try to get my crew together so she didn’t have to go alone, just in case.”

“That’s good, but I hope she gets here soon. This place might start collapsing without Trixie here to hold it together, and it would take me a few hours to find the focal point to hold it together or the escape point to get us out.”

“Well, when she brought us here, the first place I saw was the dungeon. Think we can get out from there?”

“...Maybe. I’ll have to study it to be sure. We can look after we get Fluttershy.”

“Bitchin’.” Silence creeped in at that point and I spread my wings to stretch them. “Actually, now that I think about it, I could use some healing. My ass is probably bruised after what she did. And can you do anything about my missing feathers?”

“I can heal your butt, but not your feathers. What… what did she do?”

“Spanked me for speaking out of turn. And when I was fighting the alphyn, he toasted my wings.”

“...Ouch. Well, take off your ring.” I did so and she healed my poor booty. “So I take it you don’t like spankings?”

“They’re okay if they’re done properly, but I would much rather be giving them. Rarity’s good for that, by the way. She really likes them.”

“More than I ever wanted to know, thank you…”

“Eh, it’s okay. She doesn’t like the pussy anyway.” I slid my ring back on and continued walking.

“Do you… really have no shame?” Twilight sighed.

“You should know better than that by now, Twiley. I have some, I just don’t let it show. If I did, I wouldn’t tell you that your brother and his wife asked me for a threesome.”

“...Please stop talking.”

“Hey, I said no!” Her horn lit up and two corks appeared out of nowhere, then fitted themselves into her ears. I just chuckled as we continued in silence once more.

Well, up until we got to the alphyn’s room, where she peeked inside, then dispelled her ear things. “You don’t want the clothes?” she asked.

“Hell no. I’m a slut and even I think that skirt was too tiny. And man, fuck heels.”

“I’ll let you do almost anything you want to me if you wear that for me and my friends.”

“Tch, fuck no. I can already do almost anything I want to Celestia, and the only person I need to debase myself toward is her. I’d rather keep it that way.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you’re missing out.”

“Not really.” I started walking again and she fell in step behind me. “The last time you had complete sexual access to me, you apparently accessed the pleasure nodes in my brain and fucked me so hard I literally could not move for half an hour.”

“I… Really?”

“It was when you were love poisoned. That remains one of the most horrifying things I have ever felt or done.”

“...I wonder if I could perfect that spell. I don’t really want to be known for that, but there is a certain… market for books about such topics.”

“Write it under a pen name. Problem solved.”

“True. Hm. Miss Grey. Miss Shady Grey. I could probably think of at least fifty things to put in there, after all that we’ve done and talked about!”

I didn’t even think about saying it, so I just said, “Sounds good. Let me know if you need help practicing most of it.”

“Of course. I could even name you as my partner. I bet you’d love all that extra attention, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, probably. But I’d still rather you didn’t.”

“Well, nothing’s on paper yet. It’s still just an idea. I might have to talk to some ponies, though…”

“Have fun with that.” We were coming to a certain intersection, though, so I put my hand against her chest. “Wait here.”

“What? Why?” I started walking so I could show her rather than tell her. Stopping where she stopped allowed her to be spared getting smacked in the face with a cloak. When I got to the other side, she teleported next to me. “That’s interesting. How did the two of you pass that earlier?”

“My ring. It didn’t activate when I tossed it across, so the alphyn just put it on and followed me.”

“Interesting. Are there other traps?”

“Yeah. Another one we’re both going to need to teleport across later, and then a long hallway of them you’ll have to teleport across to get to Fluttershy.”

“This is a lot of work. Did she really expect to need these?”

“Man, I don’t fucking know. Coulda been Discord that put these here. Don’t hardly matter, either way. All we gotta do is grab Fluttershy and get the hell out, then forget this ever happened.”

“Right.”

“And of course, when we get back to Ponyville, we tell everyone we won and that we never got close to losing.”

“...Yeah. I really don’t want anyone to know I was an inanimate object.”

“Or that I was forced to wear a maid outfit and then bent over a table for a spanking. Although I gotta say, you were more adorable than usual as a teddy bear.”

“And you were sexier than usual in that outfit.”

“Oh? Are maids your fetish, Miss Twilight?”

“N-no! It’s just… It accentuated your body quite nicely, is all. And what you were doing to Trixie was… looked really nice.”

“Twilight, do you want me to brush you when we get back.”

“Oh Celestia, yes! She looked so happy!”

I reached back to scratch her ears and she sighed in delight, lowering her head to accommodate me. “Of course I’ll brush your mane and coat, Twilight. But you’re gonna put that horn to good use either before or after.”

“Worth it,” she whispered, smiling faintly.

Anyway, we continued in relative silence, bypassing the fire trap with ease and getting around the fake wall by her blowing the thing down. Soon, we were standing in front of the still-open trap door leading down into the darkness.

“This leads to the dungeon,” I said, nodding at it. “On the far side over there is Fluttershy, still on the enchanted bed.”

“Did you really have to leave her asleep on that thing, Nav? We have no idea what it could be doing to her!”

“How do you think Fluttershy would have reacted to us giving Trixie to the alphyn? Or worse, killing her?”

“...Good point. So how do you want to get her?”

“Teleport across the field of traps, grab her with your magic, and then teleport back. Or just grab her from here and float her over here. As long as you don’t touch the floor, I don’t think the traps will trigger.”

“Blinking would be easier. I’ll be right back.” She teleported down the hall, right next to Fluttershy’s bed. She walked around it to study it and I heard her snort slightly when she got to the foot and saw the message there. Finally, she wrapped Fluttershy in an aura and teleported back next to me. “So how did you wake her up earlier?” she asked.

“I uh… I kinda… put my ring around her clit.”

“You what.”

“It wouldn’t fit anywhere else! I tried her ear and I didn’t want to use her tongue in case she swallowed it. Unless you wanted me to give her a new earring, the clit was the only option.”

“...Let me see your ring, Nav.” I took it off and held it up. Twilight grabbed it, lifted up one of Fluttershy’s wings, and slid it on the far tip, all the way down the feather. It messed the feather up, but when it finally hilted, Fluttershy slowly opened her eyes. “Only place… Yeah right!” ...And then Fluttershy fell, since the magic holding her up was dispelled.

That wouldn’t have been such a problem if Fluttershy wasn’t right over the open trap door. As it was, she fell down and immediately started screaming and panicking.

“...Oops.”

“Oh good job, Twilight,” I said. “You just had to go and wake her up!” I sighed, shaking my head, and then jumped down the hole after her. Twilight immediately followed. When we all got into the prison cell, Fluttershy was in the fetal position, rocking back and forth with tears streaming down her face.

I looked over at Twilight and jerked my head to Fluttershy. She nodded and started trying to sooth the timid mare, after of course removing the ring from her wing. I started looking around for anything that might indicate that this was a focal point or whatever. But of course, I’m not any kind of mage and I don’t really like magic, so I wasn’t all that surprised when I didn’t find a thing.

By the time I was bored of looking, Fluttershy was done with her little panic moment. Of course, I may have made sure those two events coincided, but I’m not about to say that. Anyway, I walked back over. “So we gonna blow this joint or what?” I asked.

Twilight floated my ring to me and said, “I’m going to look, but I can’t promise anything. We might very well be stuck here until Princess Celestia comes for us.”

“Well, here’s hoping,” I sighed, crossing my arms.

Twilight started sniffing or magicking around the dungeon, breaking open cells as needed to explore. While she did that, Fluttershy gently poked one of my wings under my cloak. “Nav, what… what happened to your feathers?” she quietly asked.

“Fire.”

“Did… did it hurt?”

Bitch, the fuck you think? “Yes. Still kinda twinges, actually. Fire damage is a bitch to heal.”

“...I have some balms back home. When we get there, I can put those on. They might also make your feathers grow back faster!”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll just go ask Athena. She’ll just run her hands over them and fix them right up.”

“Well… it would still be good for me to check.”

I almost told her that it wasn’t necessary at all, but Flo quickly said, “She’s lonely, Nav. And she’s even more afraid now than usual. Most of her animal friends left her and she just got kidnapped. She needs some company in her house, for at least a little while.”

“...It’ll be nice to be sure,” I said, reaching a hand down to scratch at her ears. The smile I got back almost made promising to waste my time with her worth it.

Then Twilight called out, “Over here, girls! I think I found a node!”

I looked back up and started walking over there. “Did you really just say ‘girls’?” I asked. “Like, seriously?”

“Nav, you have a vagina. Stop pretending you don’t. Now, I think I can manipulate this just right to get us out of here, but it might send us back to that arena instead. Is your ring off?”

“Yeah, I’m good. You ready, Fluttershy?”

“Yes. I really, really want to go home…”

“Hold onto me, then,” Twilight said. I put one hand on her back and one on Fluttershy’s back. Fluttershy put a hoof on one of Twilight’s back legs. When we were both ‘secured’, Twilight’s horn lit up brighter and we fell through space, reappearing in the large arena where we fought and lost to Trixie. “Well, shoot!”

“Hey, at least we got one level higher,” I said, letting them both go. “Do you remember where we started in here?”

“No, but it was on the outer rim. That’ll make looking faster. Just give me a few minutes.” She started walking away from the center. I shrugged and sank to the ground, happy to be off my feet for a few minutes.

“So, Fluttershy. How awkward are you at sex talk?” Her eyes went wide and both of her ears flopped down. “That’s what I thought. So, you need any help getting all your animal friends back?”

She gulped and quietly said while looking away, “I’m… I’m a v-virgin, Nav…”

“That’s not what I asked, Fluttershy.”

Her eyes locked with mine. “I don’t want to be a virgin anymore.”

Oh shit. “W-well, I’m sure I can find you a nice stallion that—”

“No!” I raised an eyebrow. “W-well… Later. When I… when I want a special somepony. But for my first time, I… I want somepony that… can feel what I feel. That knows what I feel. That can… that can make me feel… really good.”

Why do I have a feeling I know where this is going? “I can point you in the right direction, then. There are plenty of mares in Ponyville that would be all too happy to help you.”

Fluttershy sighed and looked away, apparently realizing what I actually meant. Or at least, hopefully realizing what I actually meant.

Twilight saved me from that problem, anyway. “I found the next node!” she called.

I achingly got up to my feet. “Shall we, then?” Fluttershy started following me, of course. “So this is the way home?” I asked.

“I certainly hope so,” Twilight said. “I could keep searching if you wanted, though. There might be teleport nodes all over this arena, leading to Celestia knows where.”

“Actually, I kinda doubt she does,” I said. “If she did, she’d probably already be here by now.”

“...Anyway, we can risk this being the one, or I can keep searching. But if this isn’t the right one, I can just take us right back and we can try again.”

“Then let’s fucking do it,” I said, putting on hand on her back again and the other on Fluttershy, who of course put a hoof on Twilight.

“Alright then, hold on.” Twilight’s horn lit up again and we fell through the earth once more.

“...about here,” someone was saying when we reappeared. Then I heard several people jumping or wincing and finally looked around. Watcher was standing next to Celestia right in front of us, and both were wearing surprised expressions. From what little I could see without turning my head, we were back in the burnt out castle.

“Well, it worked,” I said.

“And you were right,” Celestia said to Watcher. “Very good timing on the unlock, too. I can’t remember for the life of me why I let Luna have you, now.”

“I’m not complaining,” I said. “Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“...What about Trixie?” Celestia asked. “Did you just escape?”

“Her familiar dragged her to Tartarus,” I said with a shrug. “No great loss.”

“I would have liked to have a discussion with her,” Celestia said. “But Tartarus or Chrysalis’s dungeon would have been her eventual destination anyway. Watcher, would you like to continue studying this castle?”

“No, Princess. The magic used here is different and studying it might be dangerous. If the pocket she made starts collapsing, it might well bring parts of the castle down with it. Better to get out while we can and accelerate the process by knocking this castle down. If anypony were to stumble upon it now…”

“Yes, you’re right. And that could very well happen, with the magic out here acting strangely due to that failed spell. When I get back to Canterlot, I’ll dispatch a demolition team with instructions to dismantle the building from the outside only.”

“Are you sure?” Twilight asked. “There’s no telling what we might find inside. It might be worth risking.”

“No amount of knowledge is worth a life, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Learning more about our enemy is important, but most definitely not worth dying for. Now let’s get out of this castle quickly.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice,” I said, turning for the exit. That turn showed me that there were at least two full squads in the room. We all started filing out, eager to get back into the moonlight.

“Luna outdid herself tonight,” Twilight said with a smile, looking up.

“I get that you’re happy to see the sky again, but do you really gotta bring that up?” I asked.

“Right, sorry. I forgot about your… past,” she said, blushing slightly.

“I meant the part about Celestia and Luna controlling the sun and moon, but that too I guess. You can’t tell me that Aqua hasn’t told you the truth yet.”

Celestia smacked me in the back of the head with a wing, then pretended she was just wrapping it over my shoulder. “Come, Nav. Let’s retire to the ship, shall we?” She didn’t give me a choice, teleporting us both up to the deck. “Let me get a look at your wings,” she quietly said, releasing me with her wing so she could use it to lift up my cloak. “...Oh my.”

“I don’t really know what you were expecting,” I said with a shrug.

“...I was expecting them to need preening. But this… Hm, I can deal with this.” She wrapped her wing back around me. “Come along, dear. You can tell me alllll about your trip while we… relax.”

She started leading me down into the bowels of the ship. Instead of taking me to my room, like I expected, she took me deeper, into what used to be Kumani’s room. I don’t know how she knew there was a bigger bed there, but she definitely took advantage of it. First, she unwrapped me like a present, then carefully set me down on it, stomach first.

“So why didn’t you get word to me when you were told about Fluttershy?” she asked as she carefully positioned herself on my back. I started to answer, but the words stuck in my throat when I felt her quite forcefully kissing one of my wings. “No, please. Don’t let me stop you.” I gulped and started to try again, but then I felt something itching in my wings and I turned my head. She used magic to force my head back down though. “No peeking. I’ll let you see when I’m done…”

I sighed and resolved to ignore it for now. “Discord was watching. He was actually there, Celestia. He spoke with Trixie in front of Twilight.” Saying that while she was slowly kissing and licking my barren wings was difficult, but I managed.

“Hm… And how did you lose the initial fight?”

“Twilight and I were holding our own f-fairly well.” Christ. Flo, can you help me out? She just giggled and did nothing, so I figured I was on my own. “The… The alphyn wasn’t able to do a thing to me. The fire and talons just bounced off me, and I was able to dodge most of what he did anyway. Same for Trixie’s magic. But they both had… shields on them. Some kind of shields that used rocks to protect them. So they could barely hurt us and we couldn’t hurt them…”

“Until the lightning?” she prodded, then started sucking on my wing, making me whimper slightly.

“Y-yes… That ignored the ring and fucked me up the first time. After the alphyn got a lucky hit on one of my wings, the blood hit my armor and it… came alive. It took over my body with some kind of needles and wanted to kill the alphyn. I had him in my hands, ready to plunge my sword into him, when Trixie hit us both with lightning. That p-put both of us out of the fight and then Trixie eventually surprised Twilight with a rock to the back of the head.”

“...Yes, I could see Twilight failing to protect against that. I will have to remind her that even powerful unicorns must watch out for the more mundane things. I assume that was hardly the end of it. She didn’t let you just have free range over the dimension she had.”

“She… turned me into a maid. With a horrifyingly skimpy outfit.”

“I really hope you saved it.”

“In your dreams.” In response, she targeted the largest pleasure spot on my wing and suckled on it like a fucking baby. “B-bitch!” Her only response was a giggle. “I… I g-got to speaking with the a-alphyn. He made me a deal. He helps me take out Trixie if he gets to keep her.”

“And you took it.”

“I did. I don’t regret it.”

“...What’s done is done.”

“You don’t like it.”

“You made a judgment call. I don’t agree with the choice you made, but I don’t disagree with you for making it. And I definitely understand the reasoning behind it. No, I don’t like it. But I like that you’re here, I like that you’re safe, and I like that you’re squirming.” And just like that, she started licking me again, perfectly fulfilling that last like of hers.

“And I love that you’re on top of me, Sunbutt,” I whispered, finally feeling myself relax for the first time in what felt like days.

“Then hopefully you won’t mind that much that your feathers are gonna be pink,” Celestia said.

“What?” I finally turned my head to find that, sure enough, all the feathers in the wing she was fucking with were coming in pink. “What are you doing?!”

“Oh, just making sure you promise me something,” she said. “It’s nothing too horrible, I promise.”

“...If you’re using this as blackmail, I imagine it’s going to be worse than horrible.”

“You told Luna you would speak to her in a week in the dream world, didn’t you?”

“...I did. I guess you want me to actually do it?”

“No, I don’t. Unless you’re going to tell her you forgive her, I don’t want you speaking with her at all, aside from an absolute emergency. Promise me you will seek no contact with her and your wings will be as beautifully white as mine.”

“Hell, you don’t gotta ask me twice. I didn’t want to anyway.”

“Excellent.” Her horn lit back up and she forced me to face the bed again, followed once more by her sexy kissing.

“So I gotta ask why not. Before now, you seemed all about me and her talking, trying to make up or whatever.”

“A few reasons. One, because I don’t want anypony to know where she is and she might talk about it. Two, because I don’t want anypony to know what she’s up to. Three, I know you don’t want to talk to her and I’m not going to let you do it just because you feel obligated because she helped you. Finally, I honestly, honestly don’t want her around you anymore. Ever. I know that won’t be possible when she comes back into the public eye, but until then, I want the two of you to have as little to do with each other as possible.”

“Works for me.”

“I thought you would agree. Now, I believe that’s enough talking. Let’s put our mouths to better uses, hm?”

It’s good to be back.

It’s time for a wonderful outro from your Glorious Leader!

When I said I wanted our beautiful heroine to deal with my ex-apprentice permanently, I did not mean sending her to pony hell. For the record, I meant for Nav to kill her.

But things don’t always go the way they’re planned. As I sat back and watched Trixie begging for my help, I realized that sometimes, plans don’t have to be perfectly executed to go well. And besides, perfection makes things boring.

As the tears streamed down her face, I felt a smile tugging at my lips. A new plan was already forming in my mind. A certain fire elemental was active in Tartarus. All it would take was a catalyst and I could make an already warlike continent burn red with the fires of dozens of armies, all fighting for the prize of escape.

A catalyst that the elementals would hand to me on a silver platter.

Trixie’s tears continued to flow as my apathetic laughter echoed through her mind.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Three—Return to the Capital

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Three—Return to the Capital

Celestia was very thorough in healing my wings, making sure every single feather was back in place. This had the effect of locking us both away for the entire trip back to Ponyville and also feeling extremely good. There at the end, she was just lying on my back and mindlessly blowing air through my feathers.

“Sometimes you’re the best, Sunbutt,” I happily sighed, ruffling my feathers for her.

“Hm, only sometimes?” she whispered. I saw some light from her horn and felt something caressing my hips.

“Yes, only sometimes,” I replied, doing my best not to shiver at her touch. “And as much as I want to let you ravish me, we should really check up on the ship.”

“I believe they’ll come and tell me when we get to Canterlot. Or maybe they won’t. Does it really matter?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” I turned around under her and kissed her on the nose. “Taya’s in Ponyville and I can’t exactly leave her there. I’m also not quite ready to come back to Canterlot. Besides, you need to get some sleep.”

“Oh, staying up too late with magic only affects you if you do it several days in a row. But yes, I do suppose you need to be with Taya.”

She didn’t move for several more seconds, staring down at me with a smile on her face. “So…”

“How do you feel about the Wonderbolts, Nav?” she asked.

“I met Soarin’ and Spitfire a few months back. They’re both alright. Spitfire totally offered to bang me, but I doubt that offer’s still good now that I’m a chick.”

“I meant their shows, not the team.”

“Oh. Kinda boring, honestly. I mean, seeing the stuff they can do is neat, but I wouldn’t pay money for it. Well, unless Taya wanted to go, I guess, but I wouldn’t pay for myself.”

“Hm. Well, do you know what’s public but not out in the open?”

“...Doppel’s vagina?” Her look turned very flat. “So you’re saying our date should be a Wonderbolts show. It would be fairly convenient. Hide in plain sight and all that. That’s if you want to hide.”

“Well… It might be wise, given our current arrangement. Should we decide to make it official, we can sing it from the rooftops for all I care. But until we finally do so, I think it would be best to stay silent so there won’t be more questions when you leave.”

“Alright then, I suppose a Wonderbolts show would work. It definitely fulfills Cadance’s stupid dare. When’s the next one?”

“In about five days. It’s in Canterlot, so you’ll need to be back in the palace by then.”

“I can definitely leave this place behind that quickly. God knows it’s getting boring. Now, shall we return to the top?”

“Just a moment,” she whispered before going in for another kiss. Since she was currently lying on me and too heavy to easily move, I let her do unto me as she would, and bore the indignity with pleased stoicism.

Finally though, she broke the kiss and then slowly pulled away from me. It was just in time, too, because the door opened and in walked Twilight. “We’re at… Do I even want to know why you’re naked?”

“Celestia was healing my wings,” I said with a shrug.

“...And you had to be naked for that?”

“She had to touch them,” I said. “You know how my wings are. I didn’t want to cream my pants.”

Twilight slowly face-hooved, so Celestia decided to step in. “Have we arrived at Ponyville, Twilight?”

She looked back up and then stepped the rest of the way in so she could close the door behind her. “Can I be frank here?” she asked.

“You’re much better as a Twilight than a Frank,” I said.

Both of them gave me a long-suffering glance before looking back at each other. “You know you can tell me anything, Twilight.”

“What is going on between you two? Princess, I know you… have needs, just the same as any pony, but you’ve been neglecting everyone else to spend time with him! The entire time both of us were in Canterlot, you avoided and ignored me while spending your time locked away with Nav. When I was younger, you always told me I had to take responsibility and be dutiful, but you seem to be spending more time with Nav than you are taking care of Equestria.”

Celestia sighed and hung her head. “You… are not wrong, Twilight. But I’ve spent almost all of my life governing this country. Putting everypony else first. Is it really so bad that I take some time for myself now that so many things take care of themselves?”

“You mean letting others take over your responsibilities! Rarity told me what happened when you sent us to Detrot. You’re just using us so you can take time off!”

“...At times, yes. But other times, I send you on a task so you can learn a lesson from it. But once again, is it truly so bad? Do you know how long it has been since I truly took a day off? Cancelled everything? It has been over a century. I still take care of my country very well, Twilight. I’m just finally finding the time—and realizing the need—to take care of myself.”

“By using Nav. The one your sister self-admittedly abused and tormented.”

“The very same. It isn’t common that I find a mind that has the potential to be as dangerous as mine or Luna’s. I’ve found two in recent memory. You are one and Nav is one. It just so happens that he has the mind of a male, and I met him when he was older than just a filly. It is no real surprise, at least not looking back, that we eventually grew close. It could be said that we are too close, given our history. Making a real relationship work between us will be difficult given our past and the immense generation gap, but I believe it’s possible and I believe we’re both willing to try.”

“But you’re letting him sleep around and do as he wants!”

“For the moment, neither of us have laid true claim on the other. I know that Nav has needs and he knows the same of me. We are going to be separated when he resumes his journey, so I see no reason to hold him to a pointless promise he would find difficult to maintain. There is a separation in his mind between sex and love, so I have nothing to fear.”

Twilight sighed and looked away. “I can… understand some of your reasoning.” Her eyes moved back to meet Celestia’s. “But that doesn’t explain why you’re avoiding me!”

Celestia sighed and turned her head to me. “Navarone, would you mind giving us a moment?”

“Sure. Let me just get dressed and grab my armor real quick.”

“I’ll take care of the armor,” Twilight said, not looking away from Celestia. Seeing that I was definitely not wanted by at least half the people present, I hurriedly got dressed and got the hell out of there, though Celestia snagged a quick kiss before I bailed.

God, I feel like Twilight caught Celestia cheating on her with me or something. Ugh.

“Well, she kind of did,” Flo said. “Not sexually, I hope, but Celestia is certainly spending more time with you than she is with Twilight, something that Twilight probably never expected would happen. Of course Twilight would be jealous.”

Feh. At least she had given me time to get dressed, so I didn’t get to the deck wearing nothing. A few crew members and guards were up there, but most were presumably asleep. Still, the ones that were on the deck wanted to know what exactly happened. A quick glance over the side told me that we were actually anchored over Ponyville, but if I wanted to wait for Twilight, I’d be waiting for who knows how long.

So for the crew’s benefit, as well as for Fluttershy who was also up there, I told the abbreviated and censored story of what happened. I can’t imagine most of them were overly pleased to have had to cancel whatever they had planned to save us when we kind of saved ourselves, but none of them said that to me.

Not too long after I finished the story—which didn’t really mention any of the indignities we suffered, of course—Twilight decided to show her face back on deck. She was levitating a bulging bag of armor behind her. “Ready to go?” I asked as she passed me the bag.

“Not quite. I’ll be staying with Celestia for now. I might be in Canterlot for the rest of the time we’re here, actually.”

“I’ll be heading back there soon myself, probably. Guess I’ll see you when I get there, then. Welp.” I turned to Fluttershy. “You ready to head home?”

“I… don’t know,” she whispered, looking away.

“You’re perfectly welcome to stay here,” I said, putting a hand on her back. She flinched slightly at my touch before seemingly relaxing. “And there’s a nice bed in the library that’s not being used right now. That’s right in the middle of town.” She didn’t seem overly receptive to either of those. I sighed and knelt down next to her. “How would you feel about some company, Fluttershy?”

She slowly looked up. “You… you’d stay at my home?” she quietly asked.

“That’s not a promise I can make,” I said. “I have a daughter I have to take care of. But I have a really nice friend that’ll make you feel safe and help protect you.”

Flo sighed. “Are you sure about this, Nav?”

“…Who?” Fluttershy asked.

I held a hand up to my head and let Flo slither out onto it. “The one that’s been guarding me for so long,” I replied as I moved her up to Fluttershy’s head. She eyed the water warily, but didn’t make any attempt to stop Flo from entering her brain.

Fluttershy’s eyes flashed a pale blue for a moment before returning to their pleasant teal shade. “…Hello?” she whispered, her eyes darting away from mine. Then she flinched and shivered slightly as Flo presumably responded.

While they were doing their introductions, Twilight asked, “Nav, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Nope. Lord knows I don’t want her out of me for long, either. But I think Fluttershy could use some company. Hopefully I won’t need Flo’s advice until we leave.” I readied myself for an internal passive-aggressive comment that never came and almost asked why before I remembered that I just removed the source. “…It’s gonna take some getting used to.”

“It’s more peaceful at times, at least,” Twilight said. “Are you two ready?”

Fluttershy was still looking out into the distance, so I poked her on the nose, making her flinch yet again and look back to me. “Time to go home,” I said, spreading my wings. “You ready?”

“I… think so? Um. You can’t… hear what she’s saying, can you?”

“Nope. And if you want to talk to her privately, just think things at her. But remember that she’s a naughty elemental, so expect her to whisper all kinds of dirty suggestions in your ear.” Fluttershy started blushing almost immediately, so I quickly added, “Like rolling around in the mud or not washing your hooves after dinner. Filthy, filthy girl.” That suitably confused her, so I looked back to Twilight, who was just shaking her head in disappointment. “See you later, starbutt. Tell Celestia I said the crow caws at midnight. She’ll understand.”

“…What does that mean?” Twilight asked.

“Like I said, she’ll understand.”

“Uh huh. I’ll see you later, Nav. And don’t call me starbutt again or I’ll make your butt regret it when we start writing our book.”

“I look forward to it, starbutt.”

She sniffed and looked over to Fluttershy. “I’ll probably be back in town in a few days, Fluttershy. If you need anything at all, just let someone know and I’m sure they’ll be all too happy to help.”

“I know… But I think I’ll be fine.” She actually cracked a small smile and I realized my idea might have been smarter than I thought. I just hoped she didn’t grow to depend on Flo, because I was definitely going to get her back as quickly as possible.

She’s mine to depend on.

Anyway, since Fluttershy got over her little bitchfit thing, we both spread our wings and jumped over the side. Celestia definitely did a good job on my wings, though they still felt pretty tender from the other stuff she did to them. Honestly, it might have been worth having pink feathers just to be able to actually fly, not that I’d ever tell her that.

Or any of the ponies, actually.

Even with Flo in Fluttershy’s head, I didn’t want her to go back home in the middle of the night all alone. We flew to her bachelorette pad next to the Everfree together, our naturally slow speeds harmonizing quite nicely. She didn’t say a word until we landed, though, which was nice.

Unfortunately, she ruined that niceness by what she actually said. “Do you… want to come inside?” she quietly asked when we stood in front of her door.

Oh boy. “Uh…” Dammit Flo, where are you when I need you? “You… probably shouldn’t mess your sleep schedule up anymore. And uh… Angel definitely missed you. I don’t want to get in the way of all that, you know?”

“I just slept for three days… And you won’t get in the way, I promise.”

“I know you slept for a while, but Flo can put you right back out. It’ll be a good way to keep your schedule in order. I can… come by tomorrow.” With a nice, loving daughter that can act as a buffer from any unwanted advances. “Besides, I know Taya’s worried sick about me. I really need to go let her know I’m okay.”

“…Alright. I know she’s always worried about you… Oh, if you come early enough, I can make us all breakfast!”

Why can’t I ever win? “Sounds nice, but Taya might sleep later. She does that sometimes. Anyway, I’ll see you in the morning, Fluttershy. Goodnight for now.”

“Goodnight, Nav…” I really think she wanted to say more, but I hoisted the heavy fucking bag of armor and took off before she could build up the courage.

It was a short but lonely flight back to Vinyl’s house, where I was hoping Taya was still staying. Since no one in Ponyville believes in home security, I let myself right in the unlocked door and quietly ventured on down the hall to our room. Sure enough, Taya was curled up on the bed, her nubile filly form unhidden by any of the lofty blankets surrounding her. There was a somewhat pained expression on her sleeping face.

I slowly lowered the bag of armor to the floor and then stepped up to the bed to gently caress Taya’s slumbering belly. Surprisingly, the adorable scrunchy face she had eased down until she was just passively sleeping again, the nightmare or whatever hopefully forgotten.

Either way, it was nice to finally be back. I just kinda wish I had something to actually do or someone to talk to until morning. Lacking anything better to do, I sat on the floor next to the bed and entered the dream realm, opting to fight nightmares and nonsexual dreams to stave off boredom.

Some unknown amount of time later, I felt a small spike of pain that dragged me out of teasing Big Mac with Luna’s sexily-clothed body. When I opened my eyes, I found that my head had been knocked into the floor and I was being glomped by my overly cute daughter.

I spun in her grasp and hugged her back. “I missed you,” I quietly said. “And that trip was not fun.”

“I missed you more,” she replied. “Where did you go?”

“Fluttershy was kidnapped by one of Discord’s cronies. Twilight and I had to save her. Fuck Discord.”

“But you won. You got her back, right?”

“Yeah, but saying we won is slightly inaccurate. I mean, in the end, yeah. But we definitely lost the initial bout. We had some bad luck and apparently that dragon armor is actually cursed. The zombie from the dragon took over.”

“It didn’t hurt you, did it?”

“Sorta? I mean, it shot needles into me, probably to hit my nerves or something, but it didn’t hurt too bad. Barring some experiments from Twilight, fuck putting that shit back on. It just ain’t worth it.”

“Good. You shouldn’t even let her do that, though!”

“It… should be harmless as long as it can be controlled. But I was wearing my ring and in the middle of a fight, which aren’t very good lab conditions. Still, that won’t be something I do any time soon. Twilight’s back in Canterlot at the moment.”

“…I was gonna ask her some magic questions.”

“Well, the reason she’s back in Canterlot is also to ask magic questions. So I guess you can be comforted that she’ll be able to help you better when she gets back.”

“I kinda doubt she’ll be asking the kinds of questions I’d be asking… Oh well. So are we just gonna lock ourselves in today so no one else can try to take you away?”

“If only. I need to go see Pinkie and then Fluttershy. You’re welcome to come with me, if you want.”

“Of course I do. But… didn’t you just save Fluttershy? Why do you need to go see her now?”

“Because she’s kinda traumatized. And I’m going to bring Pinkie because Fluttershy tried seducing me.”

“...So why do you need Pinkie?”

“Do you know what a ‘town bicycle’ is?”

“No.”

“Good, you’re too young for all that. I think Pinkie can and will help Fluttershy.”

“...Daddy, what’s a town bicycle?”

“A slut that’ll sleep with anyone in town. Thus, everyone gets a ride.” She sighed and shook her head. “Taya, you’re silly. Anyway, I need a shower and you need to eat breakfast.”

“And so do you, daddy.”

“Only if you exercise today. Are you going to exercise today, dearest daughter of mine?”

“...Maybe.”

“How about we do that before going to find Pinkie, then?”

“Do we have to?”

“Hey, if I have to get in shape, so do you. I think that’s pretty fair.”

“Yeah, but you only have to eat! You make me run for hours.”

“Those were only the preliminary stages. Now that I know how terribly out of shape you are, it’ll only be about fifteen to twenty minutes a day for a little while. Just enough to get you active and out of breath a few times. That time’ll go up after a few weeks, when you get used to it.”

“Why can’t I just do whatever Doppel does? She was almost always out of breath whenever I saw her on the ship, and I never saw her running.”

She has to be joking, right? “Because running builds up a lot of muscles and shit and it helps with your stamina a lot. I want you to be able to run away from whatever you might need to, after all.”

She sighed. “Fine. I spoil you so much, daddy…”

“I’m sorry I’m too cute to say no to, honey. Now let me up. It’s been far too long since I last had a shower, and lying with Twilight and then an alphyn got me all sweaty.”

“What’s an alphyn?” she asked as she let me go and stepped away.

“A demon out of Tartarus. I can tell you about the trip while we’re exercising. For now, I guess just head to the kitchen and look for something to eat. I’ll be out when I’m out.”

“Okay, daddy.” She watched as I sat up off the floor. Before I could stand, she darted in and kissed me on the cheek. “I missed you…”

“I missed you too, dear,” I said, rubbing her hair. “See you in a few minutes.” She smiled and happily trotted on out while I went to the bathroom.

After taking a long shower (long only because I took the time to do inappropriate things to myself), I joined her downstairs. Unsurprisingly, Vinyl was either still asleep or just not there. What was surprising is that Taya was actually cooking. She even had an adorable apron on, though I don’t know why ponies had those in the first place.

“Oh wow, you must have really missed me,” I said as I slid into a chair at the table. There was already a plate there and across from it, hopefully for us. “Unless you’re poisoning it to force me to stay near you so you can administer doses of the antidote.” Her nervous chuckle didn’t make me feel very comfortable at all. “...Did I mention recently that you’re my favorite daughter?”

“Daddy, I’m your only daughter.”

“You’re my best daughter, then.”

“...Still your only daughter.”

“If I had to pick from any of the daughters I’ve ever had, I’d pick you for sure.”

“I’m also the only daughter you’ve ever had, unless you aren’t telling me something.”

“Damn. Well, I guess you’ll have to settle for something simpler and more disappointing…” I paused so she would have to ask.

Of course, she didn’t disappoint. “And what’s that, daddy?”

“That I love you.”

She finally turned to me with a smile on her face, levitating the pan of eggs with her magic. “That’s not disappointing at all,” she happily said as she trotted to the table. Since she’s a horse and has to do horse things, she nuzzled me affectionately as her magic divvied up the eggs on my plate and hers. And since I’m a human and have to do human things, I rubbed her ears with joy until she stopped and went to her place at the table.

When we finished and cleaned up (not that Vinyl particularly cared about having a clean kitchen), we finally left the house and started heading to Pinkie’s pad. I probably shouldn’t have brought Taya for what I was about to do, but it saved me time from having to go back and get her after I grabbed Pinkie. Besides, it gave me a chance to unsuccessfully try to spoil my daughter some more by giving her extra sweets.

While Taya was once again staring dubiously at some horrifying cupcakes, I ascended the stairs to the second story of Sugarcube Corner, hunting the ever-elusive Pinkie. I had a feeling that she would know I was coming for her as soon as my feet touched the stairs, so I had to be quick if I wanted to take her before she took me.

I stalked my way down the hall toward her room, listening for any potential disturbances. My eyes passed over the slumbering twins in their shared bed, since they posed no threat to me. I sought out darkened corners and hidden places for the pink menace before moving on to the next room, where the twins had been originally produced. Alas, there were no signs of pink in that room aside from a lacy pink strap hanging from the lower drawer that I hastily looked over.

That left only one room. The one room I dreaded to search. The one room where she had the most power. Her room.

And what do you know? She was sleeping on the bed. Well damn, that was a waste of fucking time. I entered her domain uncautiously, though stopped when I realized there was something off. She seemed to be asleep, but her breathing was normal, unhindered by slumber’s sweet embrace. It was as though she was lying in wait, perhaps hoping I’d attempt to take her unawares.

So I just shrugged and said, “Pinkie, you awake?”

She grunted once and rolled over toward the window.

“I know you’re awake, Pinkie.”

She groaned and covered her head with a pillow.

“Don’t you want to ask me about the ominous mission Twilight and I went on?”

One of her ears twitched and turned toward me.

“Well, I guess not.” I shrugged and turned to go. “I’ll just go tell Rarity instead. She’d love to hear all about it.” Before I could take a step, Pinkie rocketed out of bed and managed to somehow plant herself in front of me, a wide grin on her face. “That’s what I thought.”

“So what was the big secret mission, Navi?” Dammit Pinkie.

“Discord sent someone to kidnap Fluttershy and we had to get her back. We did so. Twilight’s heading to Canterlot now.”

“Oh, oh! You know what this calls for?”

“You to keep listening so I can explain why I need your help?”

“Nope! It calls for a party!”

“Let’s go with my suggestion.” She sighed and deflated slightly before nodding. “Fluttershy very strongly hinted that she wants me to take her virginity.”

“What.” Wow. Not even Pinkie has anything to say about that.

“I know, I didn’t know how to handle it either. She said she wanted a chick to do it since they could feel what she feels and make sure she has a good time. I was hoping you could… I don’t know, handle it?”

“...I’ll go talk to her. Alone.”

“Alright, that works. And a warning, in case it becomes relevant: Fluttershy’s kinda traumatized from what happened, so I let her hold onto Flo for me. I figured that would be a good way to comfort her without actually being there and having her try to seduce me.”

“No problemo. And after I talk with her, we’re going to have a party!”

“Shouldn’t we wait until Twilight gets back?”

“We can have another party then!”

“...Pinkie, I think you might be addicted to parties.”

“And you might be addicted to sex, but that isn’t a bad thing. Making people happy is good, and you forced me to take enough bits at that party that I can throw parties pretty much whenever I want. And since you said Fluttershy’s traumatized, she probably needs one!”

“...Uh huh. Well, I’m going to take Taya running, then head back to Vinyl’s house to lock myself in my room. Let me know when you’re done with Fluttershy and I’ll head by her place to check up on her.”

“Yep yeppers! Oh, and never tell anypony about this.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice. I’ll see you later, Pinkie.” Before I could bail, she jumped up and snatched me into a hug, then let go and ran off before I could reciprocate. I just shook my head yet again and followed her down the stairs to collect my daughter. She managed to devour the cupcake, at least, though she looked like she was questioning where she had gone wrong in life. “Ready to work off all that sugar?” I asked with a pleasant smile on my face.

“...You’re evil, daddy,” she sullenly replied, staring up at me with a leaden gaze.

“Love you too, dear,” I said. “Shall we?”

She sighed and slowly stood. Mrs. Cake waved at us as we left, probably happy to have her only customers gone. Although given that she wasn’t making any money, that might not have been the case.

Since Taya had just eaten, I decided to go easy on her at the start to give her stomach time to settle, then started kicking up the heat as I told her what happened with Trixie. I figured telling her that I wouldn’t slow down but I would keep talking would be a good incentive to make sure she kept up. Sure enough, she kept up to hear me, though she was pretty much unable to ask any questions. That was just fine by me, because I didn’t really want to answer any.

It took me about fifteen minutes to tell her what happened, which was good because that was also about the time I wanted her to run. “So yeah, you’re hellishly out of shape,” I said when we stopped. She practically collapsed onto the ground, trying to catch her breath. “I mean, that was some pretty basic jogging. I suppose I should get you on a good sleep schedule, too. Hm. I’ll need to talk to Twilight about your horsey circadian rhythm and see if you have the same cycles that humans do. A diet probably won’t be necessary… This’ll be fun.”

“Sadist,” she coughed, still trying to remember how to breathe.

“Yeah, well, you know. You’re trying to make me fat, so I might as well do my best to make you skinny.”

“Not fat. Just…. healthy.”

“Hey, I’m not having too many problems. I mean, if I didn’t have this hair thing, I would probably immediately die, but I have this hair thing. Although if I actually did put some skin on my bones, I might turn out kinda pretty. Hm. Flo, what do you… Fuck.”

“What?”

“I kinda let Fluttershy hold onto Flo for me. I figured I could handle a few days without her. I feel… incomplete.” The last time I didn’t have Flo was in the bunker, and I could actually feel some dread starting to invade my mind as I felt those haunted halls return to my thoughts. I shivered slightly and continued, “Whatever. Let’s get back. You probably need a shower now that you’re covered in dirt and sweat.”

“...My legs hurt,” she said, not even making an attempt to stand.

“Welcome to exercise. If you think they hurt now, wait until tomorrow. Let’s go.” She groaned and forced herself up. “Besides, you have magic. Can’t you just magic them better?”

“I’m a lot better at blowing things up than fixing things, but…” Her horn lit up and wreathed her body in its aura. A few seconds later, she sighed in relief and let the light die down. “Magic is amazing.”

“It sure takes a lot of the hard work out of exercising, I suppose. Which is a shame, because that would put hair on your chest.” She opened her mouth to retort again, but I pre-empted with, “Don’t you dare.” She giggled and we finally started heading home.

Vinyl either hadn’t gotten out of bed yet or she had already left to do who knows what, so we just went back to our room. Taya showered and then started doing whatever abnormal fillies her age do when their parents are around. I started to get the painting stuff out, but then remembered that it would be kind of hard without Flo. So instead I just pulled out the laptop and fucked around for a while.

That’s how Pinkie found us when she let herself in through the window. Since that window happened to be over the bed, she promptly fell on top of me. “Nice of you to drop in,” I sarcastically said, closing the laptop and thanking no one that it wasn’t damaged. “How did things go?”

“Pretty good!” Pinkie happily replied, not making any effort to remove herself from my lap. “Aside from being the most awkward thing ever.” She finally turned around on her back, so her belly was presented to me. “And she wanted me to give you something!” She held up an adorable cat that looked like it was smiling at me.

“...Is this a metaphor for pussy or something?” I asked, not even thinking about taking the cat.

“Nope!” One of her legs reared back and she threw the cat at my face. It latched onto me and I almost started panicking before I felt something wet sliding into my face. When Flo was once more inside me, the cat fell off.

“You know that she could have just ridden in you, right?” I asked, poking Pinkie in the belly because I knew it would make her giggle.

After giggling, she replied, “Aerie wouldn’t let me, so I borrowed a kitty! Party in Sugarcube Corner in an hour and you’re invited!”

“Are you gonna take the cat back?”

“Nav, it’s a cat. It’ll go back if it wants to.” She finally rolled off my lap and hopped up. “See you soon!” And just like that, she hopped back out the window.

“Hope Vinyl’s not allergic to cats,” I muttered as I set the thing on the windowsill.

“What was that all about?” Taya asked.

“I had Pinkie do a Pinkie thing for me,” I said, waving a hand. “Not important. You ready to head back to Canterlot?”

“What about the party?”

“Like I said, you ready to head back to Canterlot?”

“...Yes.”

“Awesome. Can you start packing, then? I should see if Vinyl’s here.”

“There’s not much to pack… What do you want to do with these paintings?” I finished off a few of them, and they’d be nontrivial to move.

“Hm. We’ll probably have to go by train anyway. I’ll see if Vinyl can spare some blankets or something. If not, we’ll have to… ugh, talk to Rarity. Just pack everything else up and we can deal with those later.”

“Okay, daddy! When we get to Canterlot, do you think I can talk to the princess?”

“I don’t know, probably. See you in a few minutes.” As soon as I stepped out of that room, I asked, “So Flo, what brings you back so soon?”

“I never want to be in that mare again. Her mind is… not fun. And don’t you ever do that again without asking me first.”

“I missed you too, babe.” She just snorted. Vinyl’s door was slightly open, so I poked it open a little more and peeked in. She wasn’t there, so I wandered on down the hall to the main room. Surprise surprise, she was actually reading a fucking book on the couch. “Sup, honeybuns?” I asked, plopping down next to her.

She jumped in surprise, looking up. “Oh hey, you’re back!”

“Yeah, got in last night. And just about to bail again, too.” She took a deep breath, but I kept going. “We’re heading back to Canterlot.”

She let it back out. “Got me worried there for a second. I’m not a foalsitter, dude. I don’t mind doing it in an emergency, which it better have been, but not again.”

“...I know she didn’t give you that much trouble.”

“I’m not a filly pony. Or a colt pony, either. But no, she wasn’t any trouble. Didn’t see her around here much, though. I figured as long as she came back at night she was fine. Now what was the big emergency? And why are you heading out again?”

“A servant of the ancient demonic entity that killed off my entire race kidnapped Fluttershy. Twilight and I had to get her back. And I’m just heading to Canterlot now to escape a Pinkie party.”

“Oh, cool. Though you know Pinkie’s gonna be mad, right?”

“Yeah, I know. If you’re interested, you can take my place. Just wear clothes, stand on your hind legs, and hide in a corner. They’ll never notice the difference.”

“Think I’ll pass, though I wouldn’t mind going. It’s soon, right?”

“In an hour, at her pad. Can I have some blankets?”

“Dude, I use those to keep me warm. And fall’s coming! Why do you even need blankets?”

“Gotta transport those paintings. I’d prefer to have them covered.”

“Oh, that? Just take the curtains in your room, then. Nopony’s gonna stay in there any time soon and I stole them from a hotel anyway.”

“...Why would you steal curtains when you have enough money to buy a small town?”

“Terrible service. Also, I was so high and drunk I barely even remember. I think that’s actually when I decided to stop using that stuff myself. Anyway, yeah, go for it. I should probably get matching curtains anyway, I guess.”

“Be careful, Vinyl. You’re starting to turn normal.”

“Celestia help me,” she whispered, her eyes going wide under her glasses.

“I would recommend that you come to Canterlot with me and we can do stuff there, but I guess you have curtains to buy and tax forms to fill like a boring normie.”

“B-but… those taxes are due in a week!”

“Yeah, sure. Enjoy your book, nerd.”

“You wrote this!”

“No, I translated it for money. Some other geek wrote it. Anyway, I got shit to pack. When you see Octavia, remember to thank her for making you an adult.” I finally hopped up and started walking back to my room.

“I’m not an adult!” Vinyl called after me, though she didn’t get up. When I looked back before getting to the hall, she was angrily reading the book. I just smiled and kept going.

Most of our stuff was packed when I got back into our room and Taya was just staring at one of the paintings. “Why are you even making these, daddy?” she asked, though she didn’t look up.

“For the fun of it. Much faster turnaround than books, that’s for sure. Anyway, we can use the curtains to move them. Just make sure to tie them up well.”

“Tie? As in… knots?”

“Yes, as in knots. How else do you tie something?” She slowly turned her head to me. “...Taya, do you know how to tie any knots?”

“...Maybe?”

“I should have put you in the filly scouts. Their uniforms are adorable and knowing how to tie knots is useful. Then you could have taught me, because god knows I can’t do more than a few simple ones.” I shrugged. “Just bundle them up and I’ll tie them. Surely there’s a soldier or two at Canterlot that’ll be willing to teach us some.”

“So are we leaving right now?” she asked as she carefully yanked down the curtains and started floating them to the paintings.

“As soon as we get those bundled, yeah. Unless you have a particular reason to stay longer, that is.” I paused for an answer that she didn’t give. I smirked and asked, “Taya, do you want to go to a Pinkie party?”

“What?!” Her head jerked to me, her eyes wide. “No!”

“It’s okay, dear. You can tell me if you do. I won’t judge you out loud for it.”

“I don’t want to go to a stupid party!”

“You don’t have to be ashamed, Taya. I mean, you’re a pony. Normal ponies like Pinkie parties. That’s just how it is. If you really want to go—”

“I don’t!”

“Good, then let me just tie those up and we can go.” She snorted very contemptuously at me as I grabbed some rope from the bondage kit Vinyl had in her guest room. Why she had that in there, I didn’t ask. I just figured that was the room she normally had Octavia in. When both the pictures were nicely bundled up, I nodded. “Well then, shall we?”

“Are we gonna try and be sneaky?”

“Hm… Pinkie’s probably still setting up her party. As long as we’re fast, we should be able to get to the train station without trouble. We need to leave, like, now, though.” I grabbed my bag of clothes and painting shit, then the bag of armor. “You mind carrying the paintings?” She carefully lifted them up with magic, not even looking away from me. “Kinda wish we could have stayed longer, but at the same time, I figure now’s as good a time as any. Here’s hoping Spike doesn’t show up looking for me, though…”

“Why would he? I thought you left him with some dragon in the Everfree.”

“I did. But Twilight made me visit him and he puppy-dog eyed me, so I said he can visit. Oh well, whatever. Let’s go.”

“I think you’re growing soft, daddy. Or maybe you’re just a big softie for a certain purple dragon.”

“I admit it. I’m totally in love with him. Spyro owns my heart and I can’t give it to another.”

“...Who’s Spyro?”

“Oh, were you talking about a different purple dragon? My bad. Disregard that entirely.”

“Daddy, you’re weird.”

“Your face is weird.” She blinked. “And also really cute. Now no more stalling.” I finally exited the room and she followed at my heels, though slowly to make sure the paintings didn’t slam into the doorsill.

When I got to the main room, Vinyl looked up yet again. “Wait, you’re leaving right now?”

“Yeah. I thought we just went over this. Man, if your memory’s going, you really are getting old!”

“Oh ha ha. I thought you were going to wait a little while or something, maybe do something before you left.”

“Dude, that party’s in less than an hour. If you don’t go to a Pinkie party, the Pinkie party comes to you. I escaped her once by going to the moon. I just hope I can escape her again by getting to Canterlot.”

“...You went to the moon?”

“A few times with Luna, yeah, before she showed how crazy she was.”

“Cool. How was it?”

“Eh, it was alright,” I said with a shrug. It was obvious she was waiting for more, given the arched brow. “Nice view, I guess. Humbling. Also, she made me cuddle the whole time we were up there.”

“Huh. So when are you heading out of Equestria again?”

“Few weeks, probably. It’s nice to be back, but I’m itching to move again.”

“I hear that.” She finally tossed the book aside and hopped up. “It was nice having you here, Nav.”

“Hell, it was nice being here.” She actually hopped up for a hug, so I somewhat awkwardly returned it while trying to hold two bags. She either didn’t think I was a huggy person or she realized how uncomfortable it was, so she didn’t make it last long.

Instead, she snatched my poor daughter up in a hug. “And it was nice having you too, squirt,” she said, giving Taya a gentle noogie. Taya bore it with silent horror, not quite sure how to respond. When Vinyl finally let go and backed off, she grinned even wider at the look on Taya’s face. “Man, your dad’s right: You really are cute.” She looked back to me. “You need help getting to the train station? Or you need bits for a ticket? I imagine you were probably planning on going back in a chariot…”

“I brought plenty just in case and I think we’ll be fine. You’re welcome to come if you want, though.”

“Nah. I think I’m gonna go get ready for a party. Without you there, it might even be fun.”

“Hope so. The girls need some nice R&R, especially after what happened with Fluttershy. Just be careful with her, because she’s apparently going after mares now.”

“Oooh, the shy ones are always the kinkiest… Now I have something to look forward to! Though I’m surprised you aren’t going after her yourself.”

“She has some very deep-seated mental issues that I want no part of. Also she thinks she’s in love with me.”

“Oh. Yeah, I can see why you’d want to avoid that. Well, I might see you in a few, if I decide to come up to Canterlot. And if not, see you next time you’re around.”

“Hopefully sooner rather than later. See you, Vinyl.” She kindly saw us out and then Taya and I were on the move, walking through Ponyville with the seasoned steps of travelers, well used to leaving behind friendly territory.

It was impossible to avoid all attention, but thankfully, we didn’t run into anyone that actually cared enough to ask where we were going. It was around the middle of the day, so I figured everyone that might have really cared was at work. We safely made it to the train station and got tickets heading to the capital. We got relatively lucky, with the train getting there in about fifteen minutes and leaving ten after that.

Taya demanded more details about what happened with Trixie, so we spoke about that until the train got there. As soon as we got safely seated in one of the cars with our stuff stored in another car, a colt trotted up and handed me a message.

“What’s this?” I asked, unfolding it. When I looked back up, he was gone. I shrugged and read over it.

I know. - P

“Oh god,” I whispered.

“What is it, daddy?” Taya worriedly asked. I turned to the window as the train started to move and saw Pinkie standing on the platform, staring directly at me with no expression at all on her face. My eyes widened slightly in fear as we sped up and thankfully quickly left her behind.

“I… I think we might be safe,” I quietly said, relaxing and sitting back, only to jump in fright. There was a pink balloon tied to the seat in front of me.

“Where did… What?” Taya asked, just as dumbfounded as I was.

“...Pinkie knows,” I said.

“But… she’s back there. We’re here, safe. She can’t make us party now!”

“With her, anything’s possible. But I think we’re safe. I think this—” I waved a hand to the balloon. “—is just a message.”

“...Daddy, Pinkie scares me.”

“She scares everyone, dear.” As tempting as it was to pop the balloon, I had a feeling that would be a bad idea. Instead, I opened the window and pushed the thing out, then closed it back up just in case. “That’s more than enough about her, though. So what did you do while I was away? Vinyl said you weren’t in much.”

“Oh, you know. Sucked a lot of dicks.” My head shot to her so quickly I felt and heard it pop. She giggled and said, “Just blew some stuff up around the Everfree.”

“Alright, you aren’t allowed to say that anymore. Ever.”

“Not even if I actually did?”

“Especially if you did. Jesus. You need to have more self-respect than that.”

“Why? You don’t.”

“Yeah, but I have no reason to have any. You’re actually really skilled in what you do and you have several promising career paths ahead of you once we finish up here. I’m just a washed up slut-turned-merc. After this is done, you already know I’m probably just going to crawl in a hole and die.”

“I know that’s not gonna happen, daddy. I’d crawl in behind you to drag you out, then force you to stay alive.”

“And you called me a sadist.” I shrugged and leaned back in my seat yet again. “Still, dying like that’ll be harder than it should be, since Flo is very vehemently opposed to the thought for whatever reason.”

She decided to finally speak up using my mouth. “Me and the rest of the water elementals. The sole remaining human will not find it so easy as that to escape us. I wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that some of my sisters already have plans for you.”

“Hey, I’m not the only one left! What about Athena? Or Arachne?”

“Athena is trapped in her realm and Arachne is monstrously dangerous. Besides, neither of them were active in humanity’s heyday.”

“We don’t actually know that,” I quickly said. “They were both apparently alive back when humans still had some pretty powerful magic. For all we know, Discord got rid of all that and censored history so well that we don’t even remember our true golden age.”

“...Neither of them were active in the period immediately leading up to humanity’s demise, which is what I and the rest of the elementals consider humanity’s golden period. And they wouldn’t be so easily led anyway. Their force of will is much more… adept than yours.”

“So you’re saying I’m a pussy and you’re all planning on manipulating the shit out of me.”

“I am not. I doubt that Ice will try. Naiad and Mist are likely planning something. Aqua and Brook definitely have their own plans. As, of course, does your lover, and many others. Your life will not be as empty as you’d like, I’m afraid.”

“Never doubt the indomitable human will when it comes to spiting others. Especially when it comes to those that are incapable of understanding spite.”

“I kinda wanna feel it,” Taya said. “You talk about it a lot and it sounds neat. Do all humans have it?”

“As far as I know, yeah. Some don’t really do anything with it, though. I’m just hardly the ideal specimen when it comes to humans, so I care considerably less about releasing my anger.”

“...Daddy, did you just call yourself a terrible person?”

“Nope, that definitely isn’t what I did.” She pursed her lips to take a moment to consider, so I decided to interrupt her with a hug. “I really did miss you,” I sighed into her furry back. She shuddered slightly in my grasp as she felt the caress of my breath in her fur, but didn’t fight back against the hug.

She did, however, ask, “Why are you trying to change the subject?”

“Because you’re cruel and would throw me out of the train if you thought I said I was a terrible person. Or worse, teleport me back to Ponyville so Pinkie can get me. If we’re gonna play the question game, why do you never hug me back? Do you not like my hugs?”

As soon as I pointed it out, she flinched slightly and hugged me back. I think she was about to say something, but I used that opportunity of weakness to strike, dragging her across my lap and leaning down to blow a massive raspberry on her belly. She immediately burst into giggles and squeals and tried to fight her way free. But I finally distracted her from thinking I said something she didn’t like, and I wanted to keep it that way, so I started tickling her like crazy.

When I finally finished, she was absolutely not amused, and was pouting as far away from me as she could get in the small room we had. “Taya, why do you have to be so cute?”

She just hmphed at me.

When we got to Canterlot, she was over her adorable little tantrum and back to her typical ‘dead inside’ self. “So are we going back to the palace or are we staying on the ship?” she asked.

“Depends on you,” I said with a shrug. “If you like palace beds, we can stay there. If you prefer the extremely hard and lumpy beds on the ship, we can go back there.”

“...So you’re saying you want to stay at the palace?”

“Have you ever tried the food there?” She rolled her eyes. “Just sayin’.”

“I don’t remember your bed being all that hard or lumpy on the ship.”

“That’s because there’s a cloud in it. Perks of having wings. It’s probably pretty lumpy for you, though, since you should fall right through clouds.”

She shrugged. “It’s better than mine.”

“Then I’ll have to find a nice cloud to put in yours.” Then maybe she can stop trying to sleep on my bed when I’m not around. Dealing with horse hair everywhere gets annoying. “Anyway, palace or ship?”

“Palace, I guess. I think you’d be going there a lot anyway.”

“Yeah, probably. We also need to drop these paintings off at Fancy’s house.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard. Where does he live?”

I blinked a few times, the realization coming to me that I actually had no idea where that guy lived. “Uh.” Thankfully, the Canterlot train station had a directory/map for just such an occurrence. We made our way over to it and quickly learned where Sir Fancy Pants resided. I would say it was the fancy part of town, but this was Canterlot. There isn’t any place in Canterlot that isn’t fancy.

“So why are we taking these to him?” Taya asked when we got underway. “Doesn’t his wife kinda hate you?”

“I don’t know about hate,” I said with what would have been a dismissive hand wave if my hands weren’t full. “But the dude himself is alright, even if his wife is a little annoying. I think he has a low-ranking chick on the side that he actually loves, anyway. That’s the only reason I can think for him marrying her.”

“Why not just marry the low-ranking lady, then?”

“In Canterlot, everything is about politics and your image. The upper class nobles marry other upper class nobles, or the most beautiful ponies they can find otherwise. It’s generally more about status than love. Fancy Pants is, I assume, just another victim of politics.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah. You better watch out yourself, though; if Celestia and I do end up sticking together, you’ll be the ideal target for all kinds of rich young stallions and mares alike.”

“Ugh. You’re just dating her to torture me, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.” She sighed and we continued our journey in silence, aside from all the people we passed that were whispering about me. Since I was so used to it, that didn’t bother me at all.

When we got to Fancy’s fancy pad, the servant at the door practically dragged us in. “We really don’t need to see him,” I said, trying to stand my ground against the butler’s grasp. “Just tell him that Navarone left some stuff for him.”

“Lord Fancy Pants is not in, Sir Navarone,” the stallion said. “But his lady wife has standing orders to show you to her immediately should she be in when you visit.”

I immediately dug my heels in. “That’s not necessary. I’d really rather just drop these off and get going.”

“It really is necessary, sir.” He tugged once and the shitty soles in my shoes gave in, letting him slide me across the floor. Taya, for her part, watched impassively. “Having a job is very beneficial to my well-being, and the lady of the house is not well-known for her forgiveness when it comes to servants that disobey… unless they are willing to beg forgiveness in a way that would ruin a stallion’s marriage.”

“Dude, Fleur’s a fucking bitch,” I said, trying to sound at least somewhat consoling. “It’s not like she would know I was here, anyway.” He didn’t respond. “Ugh. Taya, would you mind…?” I asked with a smile.

She smiled back ever so sweetly at me. “Daddy, do you remember tickling me on the train?” My smile immediately disappeared. “I think I’ll just wait here.” She sat down next to one of the fancy statues in the entrance hall and set the paintings against the wall and took the bags from my hands with magic. I sighed, resigned to my fate, and let the butler drag me into the depths of the manor.

Honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he bypassed a few sitting rooms and instead took me directly to a large bedchamber. The door was closed, so he loudly knocked on it. A gentle murmur on the other side was enough to make him open it and quietly announce, “Sir Navarone is here, my lady.”

“Send her in,” Fleur answered.

“The lady will see you now, sir,” the butler said with a small bow to me, finally releasing my arm from his hooved grasp. Since I somehow didn’t think I had much of a choice, I entered the lavish room. The butler pulled the door closed behind me as I tried to take in everything as quickly as possible.

Fleur was lying on a very large bed, covered in silk sheets and nice pillows. There was a gentle smirk on her slightly red face as she beheld me. Mirrors and dressers lined the walls, each telling a story of the vanity of their mistress. As I foolishly got closer, I could see a mirror above her bed as well, facing down. A single book case stood on the back wall, though I didn’t bother trying to decipher the titles of the smut likely contained within.

“Lady Navarone, how nice of you to see me,” she said, pulling one of her hooves out from under the blanket to wave me even closer.

“I wasn’t exactly given much of a choice,” I replied, crossing my arms. “I was just here to drop some stuff off for your husband when your butler started dragging me up here.”

“How kind of him. I’ll have to be sure to reward him somehow… Perhaps you’re wondering why I requested your presence?”

“Not really. You can have almost any stallion or mare in the city, if you wanted. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on me.”

“Ah, the eternal curse of a mare’s mind is the need for what she can’t have. You should know that, my dear lady. And you… You are doing your best to show that I can’t have you. It only makes me need you more. Sending your little pet changeling out to pretend to be me was quite an interesting move. It was definitely not one I had anticipated, and I’m disappointed to say it was one that worked out quite well for you. But don’t think this war is over, my beautiful Navarone.”

“The only reason it isn’t over is because you won’t leave me alone. It isn’t one I particularly want to fight. I quite like your husband and would rather not be at odds with his wife.” Even if she is a massive slut.

“He quite liked you, too. Before your… transformation. But we needn’t bring him into this. We’re married in name only. I know it, he knows it. All of Canterlot knows it. You don’t want to fight, so just submit. Give me a night of wonderful passion and I’ll never so much as whisper your name again. And aside from the noises our lovemaking produces, I would never tell a soul you gave in. Just be mine, and all this will be over.”

I smiled sadly and shook my head. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. It’s just not in my nature to submit.”

“Ooh, I’d let you be on top… Dominate me all you want. Teach me a lesson for everything I’ve done!” She moaned richly and arched her back, moving her one visible hoof to her forehead. “Punish me, mistress!”

Wow, she’s really getting into this. “You’re absolutely beautiful, my dear. But I’ll fight you to the end. And don’t think for a moment I’ll lose this war. My kind are quite adept at winning.”

She let her hoof lie at rest again and went back to smirking. “Perhaps. But you aren’t the only one winning battles, Lady Navarone.” She finally tossed her blanket aside, revealing Doppel between her legs, getting a snack. My mouth dropped before I could stop it. Fleur chuckled at my reaction. “Did you truly think I would let her continue to sully my name and body? She’s been here for a day now, servicing me like a true professional. Willingly, I might add.”

“Doppel, what the fuck?”

The named changeling finally looked up from her duty, sweet juices dripping from her muzzle. “Oh, hi Master!” She noticed the very unpleasant expression on my face. “Um… She seduced me!” I narrowed my eyes and her ears drooped. She took one last lick before standing up and hopping down to stand at my side, still slightly dripping.

Fleur, of course, was quite amused. “By all means, take your wonderful pet back.” She looked down at Doppel, who was refusing to meet anyone’s gaze. “You’re welcome back at any time, my dear. All you have to do is beg for me.” Then her eyes moved up to mine. “That offer goes for both of you.” I felt my teeth start grinding and she chuckled oh so gracefully. “I believe you know the way out, dear Navarone. Unless you’d like to stay and finish the job?” She opened her legs slightly wider to accommodate my size.

I turned around without a word and left. Doppel followed behind me, trying to make herself seem small and quiet. One of Taya’s eyebrows lifted when she saw Doppel, but she didn’t say a word as we left the large palace and the paintings behind.

After a few blocks, Doppel finally decided to speak up. “Master, I can explain…”

“I don’t actually care,” I said with a shrug. “I was just putting on a show for Fleur. She’s annoying, but I finally realized she’s treating this more as a game than anything else. Might as well play along. Any good in the sack?”

“Master, you don’t even know. If I were you, I’d be in her bed in an instant.”

“Don’t tempt me. Now, Taya and I are heading back to the palace. Are you staying on the ship or there?”

“I’ve been in the palace, for now. The princess likes having me there, I think. And I know her servants do.”

“Somehow I doubt they’re for the same reasons. Unless you’ve actually managed to seduce her?”

“I haven’t, but having me there makes the servants happy, which makes her happy. Everypony wins.”

“...Did you just say everypony?”

Doppel airily chuckled and said, “Mistress Fleur made me say it after I said everyone. With what she was doing at the time, I couldn’t say no.” God dammit, Doppel. I should not want to give in this badly.

“Whatever. You’re also welcome to go back to Ponyville, if you’d like. I don’t really know if you made any good friends there you’d like to visit. If so, I’m not going to keep you from them. I doubt I’ll really need your services that much after tonight.”

“What’s tonight?” Taya and Doppel both asked at the same time.

“Just something I want to try. Don’t worry about it.” They presumably shared a look behind my back before shrugging. “Just let me know before you go if you decide to.”

“Alright, Master.” I heard her wings flicker and then something tiny perched upon my head. “Fleur may have been fun, but I prefer you,” she quietly whispered before making herself comfortable.

I don’t know why, but that made me feel pretty good.

Celestia was all too willing to accommodate us once again when we got to the castle. Our rooms were almost exactly as we had left them, aside from being cleaned and whatever else maids tend to do with rooms. Of course, Celestia herself was too busy dealing with Twilight to really talk with us, but I suppose it was the thought that counted.

Doppel quickly went to her room to sleep off whatever Fleur had done to her and to hopefully take a shower, leaving me and Taya to entertain ourselves. “Well… we’re back in Canterlot,” Taya said. “Now what?”

“Now we do whatever we want,” I said with a shrug. She looked out to the window while I walked over to the dresser, where some papers were. A quick glance showed me that they were letters, which is when I remembered they were those mysterious fan letters I got from the books I wrote. After a brief internal debate, I decided to pop the next one in the series open.

Letter six was a basic explanation of how he or she figured out who my publisher was. He or she apparently accessed some records or something and found which companies suddenly printed out a lot more books and began earning a lot more money around the time I released my first few books, then cross-referenced that list with a list of books each company produced. The fan picked the one that didn’t have any books listed but somehow earned a lot of money anyway.

Fairly ingenious, if somewhat creepy. I don’t know why he or she decided to tell me. Maybe it was just to help me hide better, or something.

Since Taya was just kind of staring into space, I went ahead and read through the next couple of letters. One was just a letter gushing about a certain romance book that Flo forced me to write, ending with begging for more of those. That was my first hint as to the actual gender of my nameless fan. Another was actually a very thoughtful critique of a thought-provoking piece of satire, which was somewhat surprising.

The last one said she wanted to meet me, and finally specified that it was, in fact, a mare. Aside from the gender, though, no other details were given. And she said she had no clue who I was, though she had a few thoughts. It was dated about a month before I got back to Canterlot.

Needless to say, I folded that one up and hid it away before Taya could get a look at it. I really didn’t want to meet anyone that was crazy enough to try to track me down. Getting raped again would suck.

Life so rarely gives us what we want.

Just when I decided to start tormenting my daughter again, someone knocked upon my door. My first thought was that it was a messenger from Celestia, so I opened it up. Sure enough, there was a maid on the other side. “Can I help you?” I asked, fighting the urge to put on a winning smile.

“You have a visitor, Lady Navarone,” she said. “Would you please accompany me?”

“Uh. Sure, I guess, though I’m not really dressed for anyone fancy. Just a sec.” I turned back in and said, “Someone apparently wants to see me. Be back in a few, Taya.”

“Okay, daddy.” She hopped up on the bed and languidly stretched out.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the maid. “Right this way, my lady,” she said, turning to walk down the hall. I followed her, pausing only to pull the door shut behind me. Unsurprisingly, the maid stayed silent for the rest of the walk to the sitting room she had apparently chosen to house the guest, whoever it might be. “Your visitor is waiting for you within, Lady Navarone. Should you require anything, you need only ask.”

“If you could stop calling me lady, that would be nice.” She made no reply, so I just shrugged and let myself into the sitting room. “Oh come on!” Inside was my apparent nemesis, Missus Fleur de Lis. “Are you really going to hound me even here?”

“I saw your paintings.”

I crossed my arms. “And?”

“My… husband seems oddly convinced that a large number of books that were released recently come from you.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Fleur, what do you want? I don’t have much time to spend with my daughter and I’d much rather be doing that right now, thank you.”

“Did you write the books from another world?”

“No. I translated them. Same for those paintings you saw, which I asked your husband to sell for me. Though it’s more that I repainted them. Why? I don’t imagine you spend too much time reading, with your thighs always wrapped around the nearest stallion.”

“I spend considerably more of my nights alone than with stallions, believe it or not. I have a proposition for you, Navarone.”

“Oh, I think I already know what your propositions usually entail.”

“I will stop playing this game in an instant if you agree to have tea with me tomorrow at a neutral location. Civilly. Just you and me. No more reporters, no more talk of the party, no more sending your daughter anonymous love letters, and no more enmity.”

“...What was that third one?”

“Do we have a deal, Navarone?”

“...Alright. If you’re fucking with me, I’m done playing around.”

“Noted. Is there any location you would prefer?”

“I don’t know shit about Canterlot. You said neutral, so not your pad and not the castle.”

“Very well. We shall meet at Sun Cafe. Is noon fine for you?”

“I’ll keep my schedule clear.” The good news is that she couldn’t really do anything to me while I was wearing the ring. That said, I resolved not to drink anything she gave me herself. “Is there anything else you needed?”

“We can discuss everything tomorrow. Until then, Sir Navarone.” It wasn’t until I was walking away that I realized she actually called me sir instead of lady.

Flo?

“I believe you might have found your nameless fan. She has the resources and time to do what she did to find you and all the time in the world to read, given her lack of wifely duties. Give her a chance. At the very least, it’s relatively unlikely she’ll attempt to kidnap you, since it’s well known at this point that you two are feuding.”

“Yes, that makes me feel so much better. If Doppel’s still in town, I’ll send her ahead of me. She can scout things out well enough.”

“And I rather doubt Fleur would blame you for being cautious after all she’s done.”

“And if she can, fuck her. I’ve been dealing within the laws, but if she betrays me tomorrow, the gloves are coming off.”

“...Unwise, perhaps, but it would make dealing with her simpler.”

“And faster.” She didn’t have any real replies to that, so I got back to my room in peace.

Taya looked up from her bundle of blankets when I entered. “Who was it?”

“A messenger. I gotta meet with someone tomorrow. Alone, sadly.”

“That’s stupid. I’ll just go invisibly.”

“No, that is stupid. It’s in town and it’ll be a public place, so I won’t be in any danger. And you know the night guards are watching me whenever I leave the palace, so I’m good.” Speaking of them, I might want to hit up the bar tonight. “Hopefully it won’t take long. I’m sure you can find something to do without me for a while.”

“Maybe. But I’d rather find something to do with you instead. Who are you even meeting?”

“That’s a good question.” A question I could technically answer, but wasn’t going to. With Taya’s ridiculous paranoia, there’s no telling what she might do if she knew I was meeting the enemy.

“...And you’re just going to go?”

“Part of being an adult is doing things you don’t want to do and might not be safe. You do them anyway because you have to.”

“What are you getting out of it? Why do you have to?”

“I just might be losing an enemy. And that’s all I’m going to say about it.” I walked up to the bed and grabbed the bundle of blankets she was in, then started wrapping them tighter around her so I’d have a Taya burrito.

“What are you doing?!” she asked in a panic, trying to fight her way free.

I dug out my ring and slipped it over her horn, then forced her legs still while I fully wrapped her up. “Well, you remember how you didn’t help me escape Fleur earlier?” I asked with a smirk when she was fully encased.

“Because you tickled me!”

“Details,” I said, waving a hand. Since she was pretty stuck unless I helped her out, I walked over to one of my bags and pulled out a small case. “I hope you don’t mind being pretty, dear.”

As soon as she saw the makeup within the case, she started begging.

It didn’t do her any good.

That night, after we had eaten (without Celestia, since she was still busy with Twilight) and after I put Taya in bed, I found Doppel, who was pretty wide awake from sleeping all afternoon. “Turns out I have a job for you after all,” I said. “I’m gonna need your help tomorrow, if you don’t mind giving it.”

“Not at all, Master,” she happily said. “What am I gonna be doing?”

“Scouting and playing guardian angel. Fleur came by earlier and offered me a truce of sorts, and wants to meet alone tomorrow to talk. I figure I can go in with you and have at least some backup in case something goes wrong.”

“Sounds pretty fun! It’s been too long since I got to spy on anyone. But didn’t you also say you needed me for something tonight?”

“I do.” We were currently in her room, so I didn’t feel any compunctions against saying what I was about to say. “Do you… know what a familiar is?”

“Something mages summon, right? Some weird dog-like thing?”

“Yeah. Think you could turn into one?”

“I saw one once…” She closed her eyes to concentrate and slowly morphed into a much darker, slightly smaller alphyn. “Hm. Why do you want a familiar?”

“I ran into one while I was out of Canterlot. His body… interested me.”

“His?” she coyly asked, a smirk coming to her doggy face. “My oh my, Master, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“...If I’m going to be trapped in this forsaken body, I might as well try some different things out.”

“Well I hate to disappoint you, but the one I saw was a female. I’ve no idea what their males look like. So unless you’d like to show me…”

I sighed and held out my hand. She happily grasped it and started absorbing the memories I gave her. As she got more and more images, she changed her body to better fit Phinny. Soon, the large beast was standing before me.

“This body is… interesting,” she growled, stretching slowly to try to feel everything. “So tell me, ape, what did you want to do with this?”

“Look, you made me do that stupid roleplay thing with Sweetie Belle. Don’t make me spell it out.”

“Oh come on, that was one time!”

“Yeah, and I still feel dirty because of it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But I want to do it my way. Let’s make things realistic…” Before I could tell her no, she grabbed me and pushed me to the bed. “Remove your clothing, ape.”

“Are we really gonna do this?” I sighed.

She held up a talon. “I will not ask again, ape.” God dammit. This is all your fault, Flo. She just laughed at me while I slowly stripped down. When I was finally fully nude, Doppel-as-Phinny stepped forward and breathed in deep right next to me. “Intoxicating,” he whispered, shivering slightly.

Before I could mention how creepy that was, he pushed me again, making me actually fall onto the bed. “...Be gentle,” I resignedly said, knowing he would likely be anything but.

“If we have to do this, I, at least, will have fun,” he replied, using his talons to spread my legs. Oh boy, here we go.

(Sex incoming. Ctrl+f “I am a functional human being.” to skip)

He snorted contemptuously at my beautiful flower. “It appears you’ve had plenty of other paramours, ape.” One of his talons eased down between my legs and slowly pulled my lips apart, revealing their pink contents and making me shiver in anticipation. “I suppose you will still be satisfactory. Though once I’ve had my fill of you, I imagine your other lovers will be disappointed.”

“I’m hearing a lot of talk, little puppy,” I said, pushing myself up a little. “If all you’re gonna do is yammer away, you might as well send that blueberry bitch back in here and let her complain.”

One of his set of talons caressed my inner thigh before lightly slashing it, drawing a few beads of blood and making me cry out in surprise. “If you open your mouth again, I’m going to find a proper use for it, ape,” he growled. I’m not the type of woman to require two black eyes, so I quickly nodded, eyes wide.

His mouth stretched into a feral grin and he pushed his head in to lap at the wound. When he tasted my blood, he shivered in what might have been delight. Since his head was already right there, he moved it closer to my most intimate of areas to take a nice big whiff.

"You smell so sweet, my delicious little morsel,” he breathed, pushing hot air against me and making me whimper in fear mixed with pleasure. “So helpless, so weak… I do not wish to betray my mate, but it has been some time since I had release. It is fitting that one such as you should service me.”

At that point, I was actually starting to get scared. The room seemed to be getting darker and I felt my mind regressing to a fight or flight state. Before my body could make up its mind, his long, flat tongue finally slurped my folds, making me gasp in surprise.

He immediately pulled back. “Stay silent, or I’ll make you stay silent.”

I decided very quickly that I did not want to be made to stay silent. When I tilted my neck to the side, I could see his full red rocket standing proud, out of its sheath.

He took my silence the correct way, as my sign of submission, and once against sniffed heavily at my vagina. “So… perfect,” he sighed. “I believe I might just drag you back to Tartarus with me and share you with my clan.” I flinched and he chuckled before finally returning to licking at me.

With every twitch of his tongue, my legs jerked and my body shook, trying to stay silent at the waves of pleasure he was providing. His tongue was shaped perfectly to hit every nook and cranny of my body, quickly bringing me close to release despite the fear and small amount of pain I was feeling.

After about a minute of long, slow licks down all of my slit, he leaned in close and shoved his tongue inside, then started quickly slurping right at my g-spot. One of my hands pressed on his head, unconsciously trying to guide him. The other clamped over my mouth, trying and partially failing to force myself to stay silent as he made me cum.

He casually slapped the hand I put on his head away and continued violating me with his long tongue. I rode the orgasm as best I could, though there’s only so much a girl can do when her partner continuously assaults her. My legs were shaking, my toes were curling, my body was begging him to stop while my mind was begging him not to.

Finally, I couldn’t help it. “P-please!” I cried out, both my hands going to the bed to try to support me. They gripped at the blankets so tightly that my fingers turned white.

And just like that, he pulled away, leaving me a shuddering, panting mess. Since I already gave in and made a noise, I finally let out a few moans as my body went through aftershocks, waves of pleasure still occasionally overpowering me.

Instead of letting me recover, his talons roughly grabbed my hips and flipped me over. “On your knees, ape,” he growled, pulling me up to his preferred position himself. Before he could do anything, I grabbed a pillow and clutched it tight, internally begging him to be gentle despite knowing he wouldn’t. “Your body is delicious in every way, ape. Perhaps I should rethink helping you against our mistress. I imagine she would be happy to let me play with you whenever I want, however I want.”

He mounted me, putting his talons on my butt and rubbing his large dick between my cheeks. It was already wet and slimy, some kind of natural lube that his species apparently had. It slid between them easily, making me loudly gulp.

“Something wrong, ape?” he mused aloud as he prodded at the one hole I didn’t want him to touch with one of his talons. “It almost seems like you’re trying to tell me what to do. Is there some reason I shouldn’t use your body however I like?” To accentuate that, he took the talon away and gently poked my back door with his meat stick.

“P-please, not there,” I begged. I was too afraid to turn and look, but I really didn’t want that thing in my ass. “Anywhere but there, please!”

“Oh? And what do you have to trade, ape? I could take you however I want.” He pressed harder, barely poking the tip in and making my entire body tense up. He chuckled in delight.

“I… I’ll be yours, I swear! I won’t fight it, I promise! Just please, not there!”

“Hm…” He thought it over for a few seconds before easing out. “You are mine, ape,” he finally growled, suddenly hilting my pussy with his wonderfully shaped cock. I cried out in a mix of pain and pleasure as he gave himself a moment to settle. “Say it.”

“I-I-I… I’m—” He started slowly pulling out, making me gasp in pleasure.

“You’re what?” he growled, leaving just the tip in.

“I’m yo—Ah!” He hilted me again and finally started fucking me in earnest. With every deep thrust, he pulled my body back into him, pushing as far into me as he could get and making my body shake with delight. I was still sensitive from his tongue lashing, so he almost immediately brought me to orgasm again. “Oh, m-master!”

He slapped my ass, forcing a cry of pain out and leaving a bright red talon print on it, then continued fucking me. “I don’t care about your pleasures, pet,” he growled. “You’re mine to use how I want. Stay silent!”

Since he wasn’t at all interested in hearing me, I buried my head into the pillow and moaned into it, keeping my pleasure to myself. With every thrust, he brought me lower and lower into lust and spread me in a way I had never been spread before. The shape of his pride and joy was truly amazing, hitting every one of my pleasure nodes in just the right way.

In a way, I was ashamed at how easily I had given in, how easily I surrendered and let myself be his toy… But the shame brought me to new levels of pleasure. True submission, being used as an object of pleasure, being forced down and fucked and spanked and fully and thoroughly used…

I came again, crying into the pillow as the pleasure overwhelmed me. My body started bucking back onto his without him pulling me as I let myself be fucked. He growled and spanked me again. “So the ape likes this, hm?” he taunted, slapping my ass a third time. He left the talon there and prodded at my other hole. “How long before you beg me to use this one how I like, too?” He chuckled and pushed the talon in all the way, making my body tense up before slowly relaxing and accepting it.

Instead of taking advantage of my meekness, he finally leaned over my body, covering my back with his warm, furry stomach. His dick finally stayed almost all the way inside as he did deep, small thrusts. He rode me like a true animal, making me his bitch. I hated myself for loving it, but love it I did, and my body responded to it. The weight of him, the smell of him, the feel of his fur against my back as he covered me fully…

I came again as his teeth gently bit down on the back of my neck. His meat throbbed in me once before I cried out in pain as it expanded, then moaned in pleasure as I felt a blast of warm liquid shooting in me. He lightly thrust again and another wad of cum dumped in me, swimming in my barren womb and warming me up. After the third shot, his teeth slowly pulled back and he lightly licked at my neck.

I finally eased my head out of the pillow, gasping for breath and trying to comprehend what just happened to me. “A… Are you d-done?” I slowly breathed out.

He growled and weakly tried tugging himself out. I gasped in pleasure, but nothing happened. We both slowly looked down. His body was knotted to mine. He grunted. “I suppose I shall keep my pet warm for now.” He grabbed me around the chest and pulled me close, his warm belly covering my sweaty back. “I grow weary, but it has been some time for me. I believe I’ll toy with you again in the morning.”

“I… I am yours, m-master,” I slowly said, my whole body shaking in the rich afterglow.

Somehow, I knew he was grinning. And somehow, I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.

(“I am a functional human being.” No you fucking aren’t, you’re reading My Little Pony fanfiction)

When we were finally disentangled from the lewd act, we sat on her bed in silence. “Sooooo…” Doppel eventually said.

“Let’s not talk about this again,” I said.

“Well… it’s what you asked for.”

“I wasn’t anticipating awkwardly sitting there for half an hour waiting for your knot to shrink enough to pull out!”

“Think of it as a bonding experience. My penis bonded to your vagina!”

I snorted a laugh before I could stop myself, then shook my head. “I’m going to the bar. I think I need a few drinks.”

“Ooh, can I come?”

“You already did. It’s still slightly leaking.” She burst into giggles, so I said, “If you want. I doubt they’ll mind that much. Just know that we’ll be going to a bar full of off-duty guards, so don’t do anything illegal.”

“I would never!”

“Also, there might be another changeling there. So, you know, try not to get preggers or whatever.”

“Don’t you worry about me, Master! Oh, can I pick what you wear?”

“I’d prefer wearing clothes, thank you.”

She giggled airily and replied, “But just think how many stallions you could get if you let me make you cute!”

“I’m not looking to pick anyone up tonight. Besides, if the captain heard I was sleeping with her troops, she’d crucify me.” Or drink me dry. “You’re free to dress as cute as you’d like.” She instantly started smiling, so I added, “In your own body, mind. If you pick someone up, feel free to do whatever you or they want. But until then, stay as yourself.”

She sighed and nodded. “Okay, Master… Just give me a few minutes to get ready.” I shrugged and hopped up to grab my clothes from the floor. She started buzzing around her room, so I stepped out, spooked the hell out of a passing servant when he saw me naked and leaking, then went into my room to clean up.

Soon enough, Doppel and I were on our way to a fun bar, great company, and a good night.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Four—The Herald of Change

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Four—The Herald of Change

Doppel and I made it back to the palace as the sun was rising. Her legs were very shaky and she was stumbling slightly. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d be slurring slightly, but my legs were unfortunately fine. Captain Blossom hadn’t been there, but I knew anything I did would have gotten back to her eventually, so I behaved myself like a good little girl.

Taya was still asleep when we got in, unsurprisingly. It was still ‘fuck you’ early, so I didn’t bother waking her up. Before I could ask Doppel if she wanted to find something else to do in the city until we had to meet with Fleur, I got yet another message.

When I opened the door to find a maid standing there, I crossed my arms. “If Fleur wants to see me again, tell her to fuck off.”

The maid cleared her throat slightly before saying, “Princess Celestia would like you to join her for breakfast, Lady Navarone. Shall I tell her you are with your…” She looked behind me, where Doppel had fallen onto the bed with her ass hanging in the air. “...escort?”

“Psh, Doppel wishes she was getting paid for this. Is Celestia in her breakfast room?”

“Of course. Shall I tell her you are on your way?”

“She’ll figure it out when I get there. I know the way.”

“Very good, my lady.” She bowed and left, wagging her cute little tail behind her. If she hadn’t been so insistent on calling me a lady, I wouldn’t have been so insistent on staring at her ass.

Anyway, before I got into the creeper territory, I turned back to Doppel. “I’m apparently having breakfast with the horse queen. I would offer, but you don’t really like watching normal people eat.”

“And I need to take a long hot bubblebath,” she sighed.

“I probably need one too, but fuck that. Too much work. Remember that I’m going to need your help at noon.”

“Of course, Master. Or is it finally Mistress, like that servant was saying?”

“I’d prefer Nav. But if you must be annoying, it’s still Master.” She giggled and slid off the bed to start walking toward the bathroom, though I don’t know why she was in my room to do that. Anyway, I began walking down the hall. Surprisingly enough, I was actually feeling somewhat hungry. It was probably just the booze, but I still wanted to fill that void.

The halls were unsurprisingly empty. Most of the servants were probably still asleep or doing things in important areas, and the visiting hours weren’t in so not even normal people were wandering the halls. It was a quiet walk that not even Flo wanted to interrupt.

Celestia was already in the dining room when I entered, though she didn’t have any food yet. She smiled when I stepped in and used magic to push out one of the chairs next to her. “I thought it might take you longer to get ready since you’ve been spending your nights here painting.”

“Last night was spent getting drunk at the night guard bar. And I also helped Doppel get a train run on her.”

“You… murdered Doppel?”

“What? No, I got half the guys in the bar to fuck her, one after the other. What did you think getting a train run on someone meant?”

“...Tying them to train tracks?”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Like the other definition is any better!”

“Hey, at least it isn’t a prelude to murder. Anyway, how you been, babycakes? Miss me much?”

“More than I’d like,” she sighed, lowering her head onto the table. “I’ve begun teaching Twilight magic, against my better judgment. I feel that she isn’t ready, but at the same time, I feel she needs to know anyway. And unfortunately, she’s horribly stubborn and I’m out of practice.”

“Well, she already knows the theory. All it takes is forcing yourself to apply it.”

“If it was as simple as it sounded, making it die out would have been impossible. You yourself know how difficult it is.”

“Yeah, shit sucks hella hard.”

She rolled her eyes. “Once again, I haven’t the slightest what you just said, yet somehow I feel you share the same sentiment.”

“Close enough. So are we gonna eat or am I gonna have to throw you on the table and make you breakfast?”

“As nice of a thought that is, I told the servants to wait a few minutes before sending the food out because I assumed you would take longer. Had I known you would be getting here this quickly, we would already be eating. Besides, I doubt you could throw me.”

“No, but I don’t think I’d have to beg too much to get you to hop up for me.”

“True.”

“So anyway, if Twilight’s been bugging you, why isn’t she here? I figured you would have invited her, too.”

“I slipped her a sleeping aid last night. She’ll wake up in a few hours, giving me some peace and quiet. I hope the immunity she slowly built up before has slipped back down in her years of absence from the palace.” Guess she doesn’t quite know about Aqua yet.

“Ah. I suppose she can eat breakfast with Taya, then.”

“Indeed, should they awaken at the same time. Now tell me, why are you back in town so soon? I thought you were staying in Ponyville longer.”

“Fluttershy went full creepy and then Pinkie was throwing a party, so I figured it was time to bail. Besides, we still got a date in what, four days?” She nodded. “Figured I could get here early or something. Hope you don’t want me to dress up all fancy-like for you.”

“I would be so very, very happy if you went in a nice dress. I would definitely make it worth your while…”

“No thanks. God, what is it with everyone and wanting me to wear dresses? I can assure you that I am not at all attractive.”

“You might not be attractive, but you are beautiful.” Before I could tell her that was too cheesy for even an Italian, she leaned in and smooched me.

And of course, Twilight picked that moment to walk right in, still yawning. “Good mor—Really?”

Celestia jumped away from me as though burned, staring at Twilight in shock. “Oh, Twilight! Um… Good morning. How… are you feeling?”

“Tired still.” She started walking around the table to the other seat. “Please, don’t stop on my account.” Celestia cleared her throat somewhat nervously and then used some magic to ring a hidden bell. Moments later, servants began bringing food in for the three of us, though I imagine they only expected to be feeding two at most. “Ever so good at changing the subject, it seems.”

“There was hardly a subject at hoof, my dear Twilight,” Celestia said with a warm smile. “Although now that you mention it, I did have a question for Nav.”

“And what might that be?” I asked, almost instantly wary.

“Can you take a look at the dream machine? I’ve been hearing more reports of nightmares recently and I believe that without my sister here to maintain it, the machine might have fallen slightly off course.”

“I don’t know a thing about it and I don’t have a horn to use as a makeshift I/O device. At best, I’d be able to talk to it through Flo. Which, now that I think about it, isn’t a bad idea. It might have some records stored hardware side that I can’t access on the network. At the very least, it might have a timer or something that can count higher than the long double that gave the AI problems.”

“...It’s like you’re speaking in a language that’s merely similar to Equestrian,” Celestia whispered, shaking her head slightly in wonder.

Twilight was also pretty curious. “So you’re saying Flo and Aqua could interact with Luna’s dream device? Why?”

“Because it’s a human machine made to assist the dreams of human-designed species, like you guys. In theory, I could get it working on the dreams of other species, if I knew how.”

“Human-designed…” Celestia whispered, her eyes looking away from me.

“Do you mind if I help you get it running for other species?” Twilight asked. “Just think how close it would bring all the species if we all had the same dreams!”

“But at what cost?” Celestia asked, losing her faraway look. “We don’t know what manner of power source it has or if increasing its workload like that would drain it faster. Luna has said in the past that there are fewer and weaker dreams in the ponies far away from Canterlot. This device has some manner of limit, and I fear that increasing its net would decrease that limit.”

“So?” I asked. “Dreams are usually nice, yeah, but they aren’t something you guys really require. Might as well see what you can do to reap all the benefits you can from it while you have them. And since I’m the resident dream expert at the moment, I get to decide what’s done with it.”

“...Then what are you going to do with it?” Celestia slowly asked.

“First, I gotta see what can be done with it. I’ll decide from there. And yes, Twilight, you’re free to come with me when I play with it some time tonight.” She did a cute hoof-pump. “But for now, I’m still slightly drunk and hungry.” I grabbed something off one of the many platters the servants brought in and started eating. The other two joined me, of course.

“So what else do you have planned for today?” Celestia asked a few minutes after we started. I assumed she was trying to get me to do something with Twilight to spare her some time.

“Got a meeting with an enemy at noon,” I said with a shrug. “Hopefully I can put the matter to rest.”

“...An enemy?” Twilight asked. “Who do you know in Canterlot that doesn’t like you?”

“Fleur, perhaps?” Celestia asked. “I can’t imagine her being so willing to end the matter, after some of the whispers I’ve heard.”

“She’s the one that approached me with the offer of a cease-fire. I’m supposed to meet her alone today at a cafe. Of course, I’ll be sending Doppel ahead of me.”

“Naturally,” Celestia said with a nod. “It’ll be interesting to see how it turns out, I suppose. Any other plans?”

“Fix the dream machine. Maybe do some stuff with Taya. Most of my time will just be spent bumming out. Don’t worry, I won’t do much to get between you and Twilight. I know how highly you think of your bonding time.” The look she gave me promised retribution in the future. I think it was worth it.

“I don’t know, Nav,” Twilight said. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you when you talk to Fleur? I could go with Doppel.”

“Fleur isn’t the kind of person to do something to me directly, and she has to know I’d tell some people where I was going and who I was meeting. I’ll be fine. The only reason I’m taking Doppel is because Taya would worry if I went alone, but she’s too indiscreet to come with me.”

“Well… if you’re sure. I’m not quite confident Doppel is the best choice, but if you trust her…”

“You seem to be forgetting that she was a professional spy before she was forced to be my maid. And what you probably don’t realize is that she was spying on me while she was my maid.”

“Did she… tell you that?”

“No, I’m just not literally retarded and know how to think.” She blinked a few times, a small blush coming to her face. “I realized it as soon as Chryssy left her with me.”

“...Chryssy?” Twilight sighed.

“Yeah, she’s a big cutie pie,” I said with a shrug. “Might as well give her a cute nickname. Like Sunny-D or Twatlight Spankle.” I think they were both a little offended by that remark, so I decided it might be time to bail. “Anyway, this was fun.” I started to stand, but a purple aura forced my chair back in.

“Leaving so soon, Navi?” Twilight asked with a smirk.

Celestia’s smile quickly matched hers. “Cute nicknames aren’t the only way to show that somepony’s a cutie pie, schmoopy.” I shivered at her tone and that awful name. “In fact, I can think of one perfect way for us to show you how cute we think you are…” In a horrifying flash, we were back in her room, where she pulled the closet door open and removed one of the outfits she had from the awful sleepover. “Twilight, would you care to do the honors?”

“I hope you don’t mind being pretty, Navi,” Twilight said with a smile.

As soon as I saw her pull out some makeup, I started begging.

It didn’t do me any good.

Some time later, Doppel and I were sitting on a roof a few blocks away from Sun Cafe. It was thirty minutes to showtime and we were discussing plans. “So do you just want me to go in there and wait, Master?” Doppel asked.

“You’re gonna need to be a unicorn, first. Young rich spoiled mare or stallion, up to you. You’ll fit right in. Go with blue eyes. If the time comes and it seems safe, change them to green. If you have a bad feeling, change them to red.” That would be a lot less noticeable than a walky-talky.

“Easy enough. What should I do in the meantime?”

“Order some tea or something.” I handed her a small bag of bits. “You should be able to drink that without getting sick, right?”

“We don’t really get sick from eating normal stuff, we just don’t get any nourishment from it. I guess if we ate too much, though… But that won’t happen.”

“Right. And here.” I handed her a book I also had in my pocket. “That’ll give you something to do, so you aren’t just sitting there staring at people.”

“What, I can’t flirt?”

“I know you. Flirting would lead to fucking, which would lead to you not paying attention. I really hope I don’t need a chastity belt.”

“Don’t worry, Master. I’ll behave.”

“Good. I’d hate to have to not spank you when you get back.”

“Ooh, you’re going to reward me for helping?”

“Only if you beg.” I turned to look over the cafe again real quick and flinched. “Damn, she’s early!” Doppel and I both ducked down behind the large sign on top of the shop we were on.

“Are you sure it’s her?”

“Fleur’s pretty fucking noticeable.” I pulled my scope out and eased up to get another look. She was sitting at a table, letting a waitress take her order. “Yeah, that’s definitely her.” I got back down behind the sign. “You’re the spy, here. What do we do?”

“You wait here.” She morphed into a nondescript, stereotypical snooty Canterlot unicorn. “This will be my disguise,” she said. “Fleur would probably take note of any stallion that doesn’t pay her much attention. I’ll go down a few blocks away, find a place to change, then slowly amble down to the cafe. I’ll be there by five ‘til.”

“I’ll check then. I’d like to be right on time, or something close to it, so don’t make me wait too long.”

“Don’t you worry, Master, I won’t let you down.” She morphed into a pegasus instead of a unicorn and spread her wings to go, then stopped. “But if she does catch me, I can’t promise not to be seduced again.”

“I understand.” She nodded once and hopped off the side. I eased back against the sign, trying to get more comfortable. “Being famous sucks.”

“You know you love it,” Flo replied.

“Some of the perks are nice, yeah. But a lot of the downsides are just miserable. And having a super-powerful sort-of girlfriend sucks.”

“You should remember that before teasing her next time.”

“Yeah, but usually her punishments are fun and sexy. Not, you know, making me go for a walk around the castle in a fancy evening gown while covered in makeup.”

“Well, now that she knows how to get at you, I suggest being careful. Next time it might be a walk around the city, instead.”

“I think she knows how well that would end for her. Now, thoughts on how I should handle Fleur?”

“With a paddle.”

“Alright, normal thoughts for how I should handle Fleur?”

“Tactfully. She invited you here for a reason. Hear that reason out. Just be diplomatic and do your best to not mention the knives you have hidden about your body. And you should at least pretend you were raised somewhere other than a barn.”

“Pretend I was raised in a cave. Got it.” She smacked me. “By wolves?” Smacked me again. “By extremely abusive parents and I became like Genie?” Third time’s the charm. “You never let me have any fun.”

“That’s because your definition of fun is just begging for punishment. If you weren’t such a punishment queen, I wouldn’t have to punish you.”

“I think I accidentally surrounded myself with sadists. I bet you’ll lock me in your ‘fun’ cave when we free you.”

“No, I’d lock you in Twilight’s fun cave, since she already has one made just for you. You’ll love every minute. ”

“Oh boy.” I leaned up and peered over the edge, using the scope to get a better view of the cafe. Doppel was already making her way there. Surprisingly, she was managing to not walk like a complete slut. She didn’t have quite the same haughty gait that most of the Canterlot ponies did, but she was managing a decent enough facsimile. I didn’t really want to blow my cover, so I eased back behind the sign. “Being careful is boring.”

“But smart.”

“Yeah, yeah. Time?”

“11:50.”

“I shoulda brought tobacco back with me,” I muttered as I peeked back over the edge. Doppel was at the cafe now and a waitress was walking toward her. Fleur was watching the skies somewhat anxiously, probably expecting me to fly in.

“Smoking isn’t cool, Nav,” Flo said. “You just have an oral fixation.”

“I just want something to do during down time, aside from mares. And, you know, it would help me die faster.”

“Maybe I need to start telling Celestia every time you have a thought like that. I bet a little negative reinforcement would help keep your mind pacified.”

“Maybe, just maybe, you should eat a whole bag of dicks.” Doppel’s eyes turned green, but it wasn’t quite go-time yet.

“I’m sure if such a bag was presented, you would be all too happy to devour them yourself. That is, if your thoughts last night were any indication.”

“Hey, I can’t help that I’m horny and this shitty body likes dudes. I’d be just as happy with a mare between my legs. Or you, for that matter. The way you seem to be acting, I’d imagine you’d be all too happy to comply.”

“Maybe. You seem to be quite a negative influence upon me.”

“If you’ll recall, you were the one that asked for sex when we first met. When, you know, I was inches away from dying.”

“And somehow I doubt it would have been a request you would have denied if circumstances were different.”

“Denied it, no. But actively asked for it? That’s what a slut does, right there.”

“Tch. Three ‘til. Time to make your move.”

“Oh yeah, way to change the subject. Maybe you got something to learn from Celestia after all.”

“Don’t compare me to her.”

“I don’t know, you have a lot of similarities. You both like making me suffer, you’ve both drained my cock dry, you’re both hella old, you’re both holier-than-thou… I imagine you two would get along perfectly if I wasn’t in the way… Or maybe you’d kill each other.”

“And yet you don’t seem to be in any hurry to date me.”

“God, do you know how creepy that would be? You know literally everything about me. There’s no way in hell a relationship could work between us.”

“Such is the curse of an elemental,” she sighed. “Forever are we above, forever are we alone.”

“Sucks for you,” I said, taking one last look at my upcoming battlefield. Doppel was still showing green and Fleur was staring into her teacup. “Shall we?” Of course, Flo didn’t have any choice in the matter, so I didn’t bother letting her answer and just jumped over the side.

Since Fleur was expecting me from the air, I hit the ground in front of the shop I had been on and sauntered down the road, hands in my pockets and hunched over slightly. It was my way of being invisible back home, but I don’t suppose it worked as well in a place where I was the only human. Still, old habits are easy to fall into.

She was looking up behind her when I silently slid into the seat across from her. She sighed and turned back, then jumped in surprise when she saw me. “Yo, what’s up?”

She sighed in relief. “You… surprised me.”

“In my line of work, it pays to not be seen until it’s too late. Why am I here?”

“Because I invited you out for tea,” she said with a smile. “Would you care to join me for a cup?”

“I’ve had more tea in a week in this damn place than I would have had in a lifetime back home. I really, really wish coffee was a thing here.”

“Hmm, coffee? Is that another of your… human things?”

“Yeah. Anyway, why am I here?”

“As I said, because I invited you. Would you care for anything, Sir Navarone?”

“An explanation of what you want would be great.” Her smile almost instantly disappeared.

“I would… prefer to discuss this over some manner of equal grounds, but if you aren’t interested…” She used magic to lift her cup and sipped rather daintily before continuing. “I have an interest in the books you wrote, as well as other… human things.” I slowly pulled out one of the letters she wrote and put it on the table. Her eyes grazed over it for a moment before returning to mine. “Yes, I wrote those letters.”

“So you’re a fan.”

“I am. Your human books have a… charm that our books lack. And I’ve learned that you also helped many musicians by giving them human music. And now you’re starting to redistribute art.”

“All true.”

“And, after another, more heated, conversation with my husband, I learned that you have written other books that our dear princess deemed… inappropriate for ponies.”

“...And?”

“I, like my husband, want those books. And more.”

“What you want and what is beneficial to me to provide are very different things. Yes, I disagree with how Celestia is ruling her subjects. But I think I would find it rather unhealthy to try to get in the way of what she wants done.”

“I had a feeling you would say as much.” A sly smile once again came to her face. “But I have another proposition in mind. How would you feel about a sponsor?”

“I don’t know why I would need one. I spent time writing those books because I didn’t have anything else to do. I don’t have any further need for money and I don’t care if they really get read.”

“...I see. Then how would you feel about a discussion?”

“That depends entirely upon what we’d be discussing. And if it would actually be a discussion instead of an interrogation.”

“Well, you’d hardly be forced to answer. But if you’d prefer, we could make something of a game of it. A question for a question, perhaps?”

“There’s not too much about you that I’d like to know, but alright, whatever.”

“Excellent. Then let’s clear the obvious elephant in the room. Sir Navarone, why do you dislike me?”

“Because you’re a fucking cheating slut. Having sex with anything that moves, no problem. Doing it while married? Awful.”

“Then may I suggest that your first question be why?”

“That’s what I was planning on asking anyway. Why are you a fucking cheating slut?” She took a long moment to say anything, probably thinking of a way to answer tactfully.

“Politics in Canterlot are… rather severe, Sir Navarone. For a mare or stallion that are not the first in their family line, finding a place can be… difficult. Generally, marriage and siring offspring are the most viable courses of action. However, when one finds his or herself… biologically incapable of such a thing, finding a mate is quite difficult. Secrets such as those are usually held tightly to one’s self. Another thing that might surprise you about the Canterlot elite is about how… closed-minded they are to certain things, and how damaging to a reputation and one’s power they can be. The head of a family is expected to marry high to have foals. But when one’s desires do not conform to those that would bear foals, such a thing is difficult. A powerful stallion can discover many secrets when his own dark secret is at risk. Proposals and arrangements are easy to make and easier still to agree to, when neither side has much of a choice.”

Holy shit, he actually is gay! “Huh. That answers part of the question, but not all of it.”

“...Part of the arrangement we made is that I find… certain stallions with tastes similar to his own. One can assume many things about a stallion that would turn down a mare such as myself, after all. There are many difficulties with such a task, as most stallions expect what they’ve been so freely offered. I’ve taken to accepting any manner of comfort I can find, though these days, there seem to be fewer and fewer willing to provide me such a thing.”

So Fancy is gay and uses his hot, slutty wife to smoke out other gay guys so he can have his way with them. Interesting. “Well, that explains things.”

“And I hope it’s an explanation that doesn’t get shared.”

“I’m not in the habit of sharing secrets.”

“Nor am I. True friends are hard to come by in the upper circles and harder still to keep.”

“I’m not here to be friends.”

Her lips pursed. “Hm. Tell me, why do you deny me? I know you do not desire stallions. If a mare freely offers, why would you turn her down?”

“No deep dark secrets here, I’m afraid. You’re married and I don’t fuck anyone in a relationship.”

“Even if the marriage is one of convenience rather than love?”

“Marriage is marriage. Call it a human thing, if you want.” That’s not quite accurate, but she doesn’t have to know that.

“I find that somewhat difficult to believe. Many of the characters in the books you wrote were all too willing to sleep around, married or not.”

Fuck. “Then call it an honor thing. A moral thing. I don’t fucking care what the term for it is, I’m not sleeping with a chick that’s married.”

“You are very vulgar, Sir Navarone.”

“I’m not a knight anymore. It’s not sir. Now why am I here? The real reason, not some bullshit about sponsorship or questions. You asked me to come here for a reason.”

“Is it so hard to believe that a fan of your work would like to meet you?”

“You’re a high ranking Canterlot mare. I know you have an ulterior motive.”

She sighed. “I want to discuss some of the things you wrote and talk about what you might write in the future. Truly, there is nothing more to it than that.”

“We’ll see.”

“Now, why did you say you were a female in the forewords of your books? Most were published before your… affliction.”

“I didn’t want to be found. I figured any extra layers of protection I could add would be good.”

She smiled so sweetly. “How amusing it is, then, that your vaunted gender is the reason I sought you. Had you been yet another stallion, I wouldn’t have bothered.”

Dude, weak. “Well, you found me. What you’re going to do with that information remains to be seen.”

“I am also not in the habit of sharing secrets. You did your best to hide it, so I shall keep it hidden.”

Maybe. “Why’d you seek me out if you thought I was a chick?”

She shrugged. “I wanted a friend and I thought the author of such books would be willing to at least hear me out.”

“Maybe she would have been if you hadn’t been so persistent in seeking to ruin her life.”

And that got her to chuckle. “Oh Nav, you should know that’s not how wars are fought in Canterlot. At least, not our little war. If I truly wanted to ruin you, I’d have you arrested for murdering… Oh, what was his name? Calix, I believe? Princess Celestia would be hard-pressed to protect you if everypony knew that you were a murderer.”

“I had a feeling this was just a game to you.”

“Oh, it was a lot more than that, Nav. Such… games, as you call them, decide the balance of power here in Canterlot. You’ve inadvertently risen far above where you should be. Only part of your status is because of your relationship with the princesses. Part of it is your uniqueness. But much of it is because of how you act and what you’ve said and done. You’re lucky everypony knows you’re under the protection of the night guards, or you would likely have crooning cronies surrounding you at all times, no matter how abusive you were to them.”

“I hate this city.”

“Everypony hates this city. But we play the game Celestia gave us. If we start trying to rise above our station, she begins to take notice and starts playing games of her own.”

So Celestia took a note from Louis XIII. Wonder who her Richelieu was. “...That makes a lot more sense.”

“I hoped it would. Just remember that I never desired to ruin your life or even truly harm you in our little tussles. It’s all about reputation and minor annoyances, something I truly thought you understood.”

“I began figuring it out yesterday, when you gave me Doppel. I just didn’t realize the rest of the people here played by the same rules.”

“They most definitely do. It is quite useful to have… let’s say allies in higher circles, should you stay in Canterlot for an extended period of time.” I just snorted. “Now, it’s my turn. You said you have no interest in money, power, or fame. Why did you start writing?”

“To share the works of my people,” I replied with a shrug. “Most of the books I translated were ones I enjoyed when I was younger. Some of them are books that were just famous for one reason or another. Truth be told, I didn’t expect to pick up an audience.”

“Given the subject of some of your novels, I find that belief understandable.”

“Which, of course, raises the question of why you became a fan.”

She paused once again, looking down into her cup. I thought for a second she wasn’t going to answer before she quietly began talking.

“I detest this life of mine, dear Navarone. I hate my beauty, I hate that I married for convenience—though I’ve come to stop hating my husband—I hate the ponies in this city, I hate the gaudiness and flashiness of this city itself. I… hate.” She sighed. “Is it truly so strange to you that I would seek any method of escapism I could find? Fleeting moments of comfort from stallions. Books and art. Surrounding myself with the weak and playing them off each other. Games such as the one we played. I found a strange joy in your books, when reading about the rich in your world that seemed to have the same problems. I find myself transitioning from the beautiful Daisy Buchanon to the awakened Edna Pontellier.”

“...Finding yourself is good, but I suggest you keep Edna’s fate in mind.”

“The best part about reading is that you can learn from the mistakes the characters made. I have no desire to throw myself under the waters. To more fully answer your question, I became a fan of your works because I can sympathize more with your characters than I can with any pony character.”

“Is that why you want more romance novels? More self-inserting escapism?”

“...Perhaps. But it is not your turn to ask a question. What would it take to convince you to write more instead of painting?”

“A fan asking me to. I figured there weren’t all too many people religiously reading the books I put out. Truth be told, I was surprised when your husband told me he was.”

“I introduced him to them.”

“Well. Any requests? More romance, maybe? You seemed to enjoy Pride and Prejudice.”

“I did, but I’d prefer something that makes me think. Something… sad, perhaps.”

“I’ll do you one better. Tess of the d’Urbervilles, Wuthering Heights… and maybe The Scarlet Letter. Two of them won’t make too much sense without understanding religion, but they’re all some kind of romantic and all quite depressing. I wouldn’t be surprised if I can have them done before I leave. I’ll make sure these go to my ah… other publisher, because I rather doubt Celestia would be all too happy to see these on the market.”

“All the better,” she said with a dark smile. “Though I don’t suppose you could let me read them first?”

“If you have a printing press hidden in your basement and can make me a copy before you smudge the original with your filthy hooves, sure.”

“I take offense to that,” she said with a small smirk.

“Too bad. I trust you know how to get a hold of books I send through the less official channels?”

“Such matters hold no secrets from me, I assure you. We have more than a few forbidden items hidden in our home.”

“I’d be more surprised if you didn’t, though Fancy Pants seems to be a very… faithful subject.”

“He is still sore from having to have a wife, though that is no fault of the princess. I am not the only one that seeks comfort wherever it can be found.”

“Life sucks for those on top.”

She sighed yet again and looked down. “It is… relieving to never have to work a day in one’s life. But at the same time, finding purpose in such a life is impossible. There are times I feel I merely exist to wait until my demise. And when I go, what will be said of me? I am beautiful now, but beauty fades. If I die of age, I’ll be but a husk and my beauty will be forgotten. What else is there?”

“When someone is gone, all that others remember them for is who they were, not what they were. Your beauty doesn’t define you. Sleeping around, instigating fights from the shadows, attacking those that don’t sleep with you. Those are what people will remember.”

She flinched slightly. “...I’m afraid you are right.”

“It’s never too late to change. You have wealth. You have power. As it is now, you’re squandering both of those, holding lavish parties for people you don’t care about and then trying to play them off each other. What do you and your husband—what does all of Canterlot—contribute to the world? You said you hate everything here. Well, what’s keeping you here? What’s stopping you from changing something? And using your wealth and power to get other people to do the same?”

“My position—”

“Means nothing. You said you hate everything here. Did you really mean that? Or are you just looking for an excuse to hide from what you could be doing?”

“I… don’t know…”

“At the end of the day… At the end of your life, will you be able to look back and say you had a life worth living? Or will you look back and only see a slowly decaying body merely existing until it shuts down?” She slowly looked down yet again. “Nothing will change until you change it. And if you hate what you have, don’t you owe it to yourself to try something else?”

She was silent for another long moment before uttering, “It is… an undertaking.”

“No one said you had to change all at once. And, for that matter, no one said you had to change at all.”

“...What can I do?” she asked, finally looking up.

“Man, fuck if I know,” I said with a shrug. “You don’t like being a petty bitch, so maybe try being a kind lady? Feed the hungry, help the poor, build sacrificial altars in the name of the elder gods, start a charity, fund helpful inventions.”

“...What was that third one?”

“Start a charity.” I resolved then to translate some Lovecraft and have it sent to the secret publisher. “Those are just things you can do outside of Canterlot, in places where people actually go hungry. Closer to home, you could start all kinds of social reforms. Get gays like your husband accepted. Find a way to stop the petty politicking. Find ways to bring all the sapient races closer.”

“...None of that sounds easy,” she sighed.

“Change never does. And it isn’t easy, I can assure you.”

“Do you have… suggestions?”

“Having your husband come out, and encouraging his ‘friends’ to do the same, would help with the first one. If enough came out at once, no one can really do anything or say anything about it. Besides, it’s perfectly legal here, right? It would just be a little faux pas. Boo fucking hoo. No clue about the petty politicking. That’s your problem. For bringing the races together… As much as I’ll regret this, what about a Miss Universe pageant? Like the Miss Equestria thing, but for all races. I dunno, I don’t really care.”

“Hm… Convincing Fancy to do that would be difficult… But I know just the ponies to talk to about the Miss Universe idea.”

“And that’s another thing. Stop saying that ‘pony’ bullshit. Be like every other race and say anyone or anybody. That anypony bullshit is straight up exclusionary.”

She finally smiled. “I will… keep that in mind.”

“Cool. Now, I lost track. Whose question was it?”

“...We’re still playing that game, hm? I believe it might be yours.”

“Alright, then. How did anime become big here?”

“Blame your friend Rarity for that. Personally, I despise it.”

“Well, at least we have that in common.”

“Indeed. But because it’s popular at the moment, I must cater to it. Or rather, I once thought I had to cater to it. Now, I’m quite regretting the bits and time I spent planning that accursed party. Now, my question. You’re going to be here to help me change, right?”

“Psh, hell no.” She blinked in surprise. “That shit is far too much work. And it’s not my problem. Besides, I’m leaving soon and won’t be coming back for who knows how long. I’m sure you’ll manage.”

“But… you must be able to do something!”

“Sometimes getting the ball rolling is all anyone really needs. If you actually get started, you’ll forget you ever wanted my help. Now, you want anything else?”

“Surely you have books that can help me, at least!”

“Yeah, some. Some that Celestia already blacklisted. I’ll see what I can do.” I finally stood and pushed my chair back in. “If there’s nothing else…?”

“One last question…” I arched an eyebrow. “Will you be my friend?”

Ugh. “Only if we can start over and put that stupid feud bullshit behind us.”

She stood up as well and I offered her my hand. She bypassed that entirely and hugged me. After a moment of internal debate, I hugged her back. “It feels… warm,” she whispered.

“I gotta say, this is pretty fucking gay,” I said into her furry back.

“We ladies have less to worry about when it comes to that,” she said, though that didn’t stop her from releasing me. “Would you care to join me for tea? As friends, not as cooperating enemies.”

Flo finally decided to get me back for taunting her earlier and said, “I would be delighted to.” Oh, you bitch. She just giggled as Fleur clopped her front hooves together in glee. Since I was stuck with it now, I forced a smile to my face and sat back down across from her.

Doppel was giving me a very sly look with the kind of smirk that told me she was thinking I was out for some pony poon. I surreptitiously gave her a signal that she could bail, so she left a coin on the table and saw herself out.

Leaving me alone with a ‘friendly’ Fleur de Lis, who was already starting to chatter up a storm.

God fucking dammit, Flo.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Five—Sweet Dreams are Made of This

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Five—Sweet Dreams are Made of This

It took me three hours to escape that blasted woman after Flo betrayed me. One of those hours was spent at that cafe, with her gossiping at me. I tried to pretend to care, but she was smart enough to realize I was just pretending.

Didn’t stop her from talking my fucking ears off anyway.

The next hour was spent wandering around town. She walked uncomfortably close to me, too. Apparently it was to show everyone that we had made up and were now great pals. I’m sure anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together could see the pained look on my face, but she seemed happy anyway.

The last hour was spent in one of her sitting rooms, discussing Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and Kohlberg’s stages of moral development. And let me tell you, neither of those are overly interesting topics. Honestly, I would have rather kept listening to who was cheating on who.

Finally though, I pulled my ‘get out of everything free’ card and mentioned my daughter. She was all too happy to let me leave at that point, but still offered to walk me to the palace so she could meet my adorable Taya. I turned her down, of course, mentioning that she had been out all day and the sun probably wasn’t good for her fur.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but she bought it anyway. Or maybe she realized I was tired of dealing with her and was just trying to be polite about it.

Either way, I got back to the palace in a somewhat unpleasant mood. And I still had a few hours before I was supposed to start working on the dream machine thing, so I didn’t really have anything to do. Taya wasn’t waiting in my room and there were no messages for me, so I just pulled out some paper and started writing the books Fleur requested.

“Life lesson time,” I said to Twilight when we were both in Luna’s main room. “Don’t fuck a chick who paints her walls fucking black.”

“Yes, because that was definitely on the top of my to-do list,” she sarcastically answered. “It’s not like I had much of a choice the last time the option presented itself.”

“Hey, I told you straight up what would happen.”

“Like that helped. I was in heat and the pheromones in here were so strong I couldn’t say no. I didn’t even get a chance to look around, then. How does she even see anything in here?” There were practically no lights in Luna’s room, leaving the entire place very gloomy.

“Enchantments on her eyes, like the ones on mine, I guess. Want to dig around her drawers before we find the dream machine? I bet we can find some hot panties or a diary.”

“...Do you want to risk any traps? And why would you even want her panties, after what she did to you?”

“So I can let someone jerk off over them and put them back, duh. If she ever comes back, she’ll have all kinds of nasty crust in there.”

“That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. Let’s just find the dream machine.”

“Fine, fine. You might as well at least look over the books on the shelves, see if there’s any you’d want to read. She probably had access to all kinds of things you don’t, and she also got all those books we found in the old castle.”

“...True. I’ll look over these while you find the machine. Just let me know when you do, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” She rolled her eyes and magicked up a light while I wandered deeper into Luna’s abandoned domain. I actually would be really interested in finding a diary or something so I could tell just what the fuck was going through her mind, but I kind of didn’t care enough to look for one. Especially since, as Twilight said, there might be traps.

The machine wasn’t in her bedroom or in her unrealistically large closet. I did find her weird sex table and all the toys in her closet, though. Christ, why did I think anything with her was a good idea?

“Because you were young and inexperienced,” Flo answered. “You’re still young, but at least you’re slightly more experienced.”

“I imagine the good feelings on my dick also helped. God, I really want a blowjob now.”

“I’m afraid the only participation you’ll have with one of those is on the giving end, unless you opt for a rather pointless strap-on.” Since I was still in the closet, I slowly looked toward the box of sex toys.

A smile came to my lips when I remembered a certain thing Twilight and I discussed.

She was still looking over books as I crept back into the main room, my hands behind my back. “Find it?” she asked, looking up.

“Nope. Catch.” I tossed one of the dildos at her and held up the other one like a sword. “En garde!”

She reflexively caught her toy and looked at it in confusion. “Really? Now?”

“Why not? This side of the castle’s fucking abandoned now, so it’s not like anyone’ll hear us. And you know she kept these things clean. Probably had a servant do it for her.”

“Don’t you… you know, hate her? Why do anything with her toys?”

“I don’t hate the toys, just her. Now come on!”

“As… interesting an experience as that would be, I’m afraid I will have to decline for now. When we are safely ensconced away in my own area, with my own toys, and we are both properly nude and lubed, I shall consent. But for now, I have plans after we finish with the device and would quite like to get this over with relatively quickly.”

“Man, you never let me have fun anymore,” I said, tossing the toy aside.

She set hers down with some distaste on her face. “As I just said, we can do it later. I’ll likely be in Canterlot for a while, and I suspect you shall be here as well. I have… private areas here and devices we can work with. I’m sure that, given Celestia’s attempt to dose me with a sleep aid, she’ll be all too happy to give me some time off.”

“...So Aqua told you about that, huh?”

“She did.”

“Can’t imagine you’re all too happy.”

“I’m not.”

“Would a hug make you feel better?”

“Unlikely.” I walked over and knelt down to hug her. After a moment or two, she slowly hugged me back. “Am I… not good enough?” she quietly whispered.

“You’re the element of magic,” I replied. “You’re the best at this. But everyone needs time off, even Celestia. You need to learn to recognize when you’re going too far so you don’t drive her to the extremes. How would you feel it someone hounded you day and night about something you didn’t want to talk about, and refused to take any hints?”

“I’d… want them to stop…”

“Celestia is your teacher, Twilight, but she’s also your friend. Or at least, I guess she technically is? Not really sure about that, honestly. Either way, she’s someone you care about. You need to learn to think about her as a person instead of just as a teacher.”

“That’s—”

“A nice, slutty teacher that likes to bend over for her students’ friends…”

She pushed me away. “Way to kill the moment, Nav.”

I shrugged. “It was getting sappy. I’m gonna go check out the rest of the rooms. Tell Aqua to stop being an uber-cunt and tell you when you’re being annoying.”

“I don’t think she appreciates being called an uber-cunt, Nav.”

“If she stops being one, I won’t have to call her that. Pretty simple stuff, Twilight.” She lifted a hoof to massage her temple while I walked away, heading toward one of the offshoots that I had never actually been in.

The first one I looked in was not only empty, but seemingly cursed so that no light or sound at all was allowed in. I pulled my head out of that one and checked the room next to it, since I didn’t feel like dealing with Luna’s creepy shadowmagic at the moment.

The other room had a ‘scrapbook’ feel to it, like she was using it to catalogue her life or something. I had a feeling that if I went in there and started walking around, I’d have a major epiphany and realize Luna was actually a tortured soul all along and not all bad, so instead I put on my ring and went back into the cursed room.

With the ring, I was able to see that it was some kind of personal treasury. The statue was there, along with a few bookcases, safes, and a very pissed off looking apparition of shadow. When I finally noticed it, the thing surged toward me. I had enough time to shout in surprise before it slid harmlessly around me, bouncing off the ring.

Of course, that shout alerted Twilight, who ran to the door. “What’s—Dear Celestia, shadow magic!”

“Bad time for a letter!” I shouted, running toward her. The shadow thing also noticed her and started surging. She couldn’t see it in the darkness, though, so she had no idea what was coming.

Somehow I beat the shadow and tackled her out of the room. She ended up falling back on her ass and sliding a few feet with me just sort of awkwardly hugging her, since tackling horses is fucking hard. “...Nav, why did you tackle-hug… What is that?”

I let go and turned around to look at the door. The shadow thing was pressing part of its body against it, making a horrifying mockery of a face. After a moment, its mouth opened and it wheezed, “Enter. Not. Mortals. I. Am. Doom.”

“That’s doom,” I said, looking back at her. She rolled her eyes and shot the thing with a beam of light. It absorbed it and then started laughing. “Well, you tickled it, at least. See if you can keep it laughing until it dies.”

“Your snark isn’t helping,” she said as she finally stood back up. “I assume your ring blocks it?”

“Seems so.”

“Hm. Think it can affect physical objects?” I reached over to a conveniently placed couch and tossed one of the pillows inside. It passed right through the shadow, and we could hear it hit the floor somewhere inside. “It seems not, or it didn’t see a need to.” Her horn lit up and a rope appeared. “Go tie this to the statue.”

“What makes you think the statue is in there?”

“...Nav, is the statue in there?”

“Be right back,” I said, grabbing the rope. She just sighed.

The shadow thing started chuckling as I walked toward it, which sounded really creepy and kinda annoying, like rocks grating against each other. It stopped laughing when I stepped right through it without a moment’s pause, though. Then it started spinning around me, trying to do… something. I paid it no mind and tied a shitty knot around the statue, one I was hoping would hold.

And just like that, I was walking back out, the end of the rope in my hand. “I hope you’re gonna be the one pulling, because it took three guards to move that thing,” I said.

She grabbed the rope with magic and started slowly pulling, presumably trying not to break the rope or disentangle the knot. “Was there anything else with this statue in the vault where you found it?”

“Oh yeah, all kinds of shit. We only grabbed the magical stuff, though.”

“Hm. It might be wise to send some historians there to salvage what they can. With Celestia’s apparent attempts to censor the past, there’s no telling what they might uncover.”

“Some things are better off forgotten, but I agree. As long as I’m not in that group of historians, of course.”

“Right. You’re too busy having sex with another relic.”

“Hey, your mom isn’t that old!”

“...Now that I think about it, have you ever actually met my parents?”

“Uh… I saw them at the wedding, but I don’t think I actually spoke to them. It would probably be pretty awkward. Oh, hi Mrs. Twilight’s mom. I have tasted your daughter’s nipples. Nice to meet you.”

“...Well, at least they’d stop sending me letters about finding a special somepony.” The statue finally appeared from the shadows, dragging some of the ever-watching shadow creature out like puffs of smoke. “Do you think Celestia knows her sister is using dark magic to protect her room?”

“I dunno, maybe? We should probably close that door and put a sign on it or something so a maid doesn’t wander in and get raped by tentacles of darkness.”

“Why does your mind always go right to sex?”

“Why does your mind always go right to pointing out the faults in what I said instead of agreeing with the good points?”

“...Close the door. I’ll find some paper.” I walked back over to it while she waltzed over to a writing desk. The shadow thing was banging on the wall of light separating it from us, trying to break through. The door was on its side, unfortunately, so I had to reach through to grab it. As soon as my head got stuck through its body, I started hearing dark whispering. But since I didn’t care enough to listen, I just grabbed the handle and slammed the door shut behind me.

“That thing is hella creepy.”

“Indeed it is. The princess will probably send someone by to deal with it eventually, or at least seal this door in a more permanent manner. Until then…” She floated the sign over and fastened it to the door with a tack.

‘Danger: Opening this door might result in getting raped by tentacles of shadow. Love, Navarone’

“I like how you signed it with my name.”

She shrugged. “I was using your wording, so I thought it was appropriate for everyone to know who to quote.”

“And you signed it with love.”

“Love sounds better than lust.”

“Depends on how you say it, I guess. Anyway, the Morpheus statue.”

We both turned to it and she flew it further into the room, so it wasn’t right in front of the door, and started untying the rope. “This knot is pretty bad, Nav.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying. If you want to learn how to tie better ones, I saw a book about it on one of her shelves.”

“...That’s probably for tying up people.”

Her face got a small red tinge and she tossed the rope aside. “Anyway. Why did you call this thing the Morpheus statue?”

I pointed to the writing on the front. “That’s Greek for Morpheus.”

“...Greek?”

“An ancient language from back in my time.”

“Ah, yes. I forgot your kind had more than one language. And who was Morpheus?”

“The Greek god of dreams. One of his incarnations was as a demon, which is what the statue is of.”

“Right. Now what’s a god, again?”

Oh boy. “Humans had things called religions, which were ways of worshipping the ideas of higher powers, called gods. Most religions had their own edicts that had to be followed, set forth by the god that the religion worships. Explaining it all would take a long and detailed conversation and ain’t no one got time for that.”

“So humans worshipped gods like Morpheus? To what end?”

“So when they died, the gods would take pity on their souls and save them from an eternity of suffering or something like that. Depends on the religion, really, and I don’t know too much about Greek mythology.”

“Oh. Do all humans worship gods?”

“Nope.”

“...Weird. Why do some of them do that, but not all of them?”

“That’s part of the long explanation that ain’t no one got time for. You ready to get started with the statue, or are you just gonna keep yammering?”

“Forgive me for trying to learn more about a part of your culture that you’ve been very close-lipped about in the past.”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again.”

“Ugh. You’re lucky you’re cute, or I might start getting annoyed.”

“And you’re lucky your tongue can eat carpet so well, or… Well, I don’t actually have an or. So, how do you want to proceed?”

“You said Aqua and Flo can connect to this thing, right?”

“Probably can connect. And Luna was able to use her horn as a primitive I/O device.”

“I/O?”

“Input/Output. It’s a computer term for something that can input information to the computer from the user or output information to the user from the computer.”

“And how did she do that?”

“She just sort of plugged her horn into that hole.”

“Did she… use any spells?”

“I didn’t see her horn light up, but my hand was covering most of it at the time.”

“...Hm. And what happened when the two of you went into the device?”

“We both entered a copy of this world and were immediately faced by our greatest fears. I got dropped in the ocean, she got put on the moon. After we regrouped, we went to this device’s physical location, which was her room, and did some stuff there. Finally, we went to where the device was originally stored and plugged into it. That gave both of us control over it.”

“And you think I could get that control?”

“Yeah, if you let me guide you through it and I helped you beat the machine.”

“...Beat it?”

“It fights you the whole way. As long as you close your eyes when I tell you to and resist the urge to open them no matter what, you should be good.”

“Nav, I’m not a filly. I can take a few scares.”

“I killed all of my and Luna’s loved ones.”

“...That’s somewhat disturbing, but they’re just fakes. It’s not like we can really get hurt.”

“About that…” I said, rubbing at the back of my neck.

“...We can actually get hurt?”

“According to Luna, yes. Apparently we can’t actually die, but there are worse things than death, whatever that means. Our bodies remain out here, so I assume if we die in there, we fall into a coma that we never get out of.”

“Oh… Is it like that in dreams, too? When you’re visiting them?”

“Nope. If you get killed there, you just get booted out and back into the… big dream realm. Anyway, are you ready to try connecting to it?”

“Uh… Are you sure we shouldn’t try using Flo or Aqua first?”

“I really doubt they could add you to the list of recognized users, so we’ll almost definitely have to do that manually. But if you’d prefer… Flo, what do you think?”

“If I can talk to the laptop, I believe I can talk to this.” She took over my mouth and continued, “Aqua, I have more experience with human relics. Do you want me to attempt to interface with it?”

“By all means, sister,” Aqua replied through Twilight’s succulent mouth. “But of course, I would like all the information you obtain.”

“As always, if I think what I find is important, I will be all too happy to share it with my sisters.” Of course, we all picked up on what she actually meant by that, which made me smile. Neither of them replied, though, so I held my hand up next to the plug. Flo slid out of me and slithered on down, oozing into the hole.

As before, her entire form turned jet black. “Is that normal?” Twilight asked.

“It’s what happened when she linked with my laptop. So what do you want to do while we wait?”

“So why do some humans worship gods but not others?”

I walked over to the bookcase. “Let’s see what we have here…”

“Oh come on, Nav! Compared to all the other stuff we talked about, how is this really so bad?”

“You know, you could just ask Aqua. She was in my mind and probably read all my thoughts and shit.”

She paused for a moment and then said, “Aqua didn’t get too many of your memories, Nav. Flo told her to stay away from the ones that didn’t concern her.”

“Well, at least there’s that.” I stopped scanning over titles when my eyes found a particular one. Hello there, mister banned book. I thought you were in Celestia’s personal library… Maybe a naughty princess was making copies without telling me.

“So why won’t you tell me?”

“What did I just say about learning when to take a hint? If it’s something I don’t want to talk about, it’s something I don’t want to talk about. As in, don’t ask me about it. How would you feel if I kept bugging you about that time you talked someone out of incest? Or the time you genderbent half the palace? Or hell, the time you and Fluttershy took down the goblin king and ended his reign of tyranny?”

“Wait, what?”

“The point is, sometimes people just don’t want to talk about things. You always claimed amnesia about the goblin thing, but the others you just don’t want to talk about.”

“Seriously, what goblin thing? What are you talking about?”

“Like I said: You always claim amnesia. And either way, you aren’t talking about it. Just like I’m not talking about religion. Ask me again and I’m going to shove my tongue in your ear.”

Her eyes went unfocused. “Aqua, what goblin thing is he talking about?” I smiled and turned back to the bookcase. “What do you mean, you don’t want to talk about it? I know he’s lying!” There’s another banned one. “Ugh, why do you always take his side?!” And there’s one that Fleur would like. “I am not cute! I am a powerful student of Princess Celestia!” My oh my, Luna was a naughty little princess. The Pony Sutra? Fun stuff. “AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT GOBLINS ARE!”

Since it had been a little while, I looked back at the machine and found that Flo was moving and not black anymore. I walked over and let her slide back up my arm. So?

“Too much corruption. I’m amazed it even still works. But there are some booleans I can change. Right now it’s set only for… Well, the technical term is strange, but essentially it’s only set for ponies. Gotta be some kind of genetic algorithm. I have no idea how they’re keeping track of the races, but I’m fairly certain I can set it so other races dream.”

“We’ll have to test it on Doppel or something first, to see if we can change it and then to see if we can set it so they only have good dreams.”

“Are you certain it’s… wise to—”

Twilight started talking over her, because she has no home training and also couldn’t tell Flo was even speaking. “It might not be the best idea to just turn it on all of a sudden.”

“...Right. That,” Flo said. “It might disturb the other races.”

“If the ponies can handle it, the others can, too. As long as, you know, I don’t accidentally set it to mind-melting nightmares.”

“Do you even know how to set it?”

“Not a clue. But Flo can probably jury-rig something up. If all else fails, we can get Celestia to ask Luna, and then you can do it.”

“True.” We stood in silence for a moment before she sighed. “Do you… think you could walk me through it?”

“Help you get admin access?”

“Help me get dream access. And then maybe… teach me?”

It’s not really my place to give her access, but it would be good to have more than one person able to send dream messages. “Don’t tell Celestia or Luna about this.” She beamed. “But I’ll wait until we’re on the ship again to start teaching you. The sleep you get when your mind is dream walking is much less restful, and that won’t help you learn magic from Celestia.”

Her smile dipped slightly. “That’s… weird. What makes it less restful?”

“I don’t know for certain, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was because you get less REM sleep. But I think ponies are actually constantly in REM, so it might just be because your mind is actually active instead of resting.”

“What’s REM sleep?”

“Stands for rapid eye movement. Humans sleep in cycles of an hour and a half. You only have dreams for a small portion of that cycle, which is called REM sleep. If that cycle is disturbed, you’ll wake up feeling like absolute shit because you didn’t complete a cycle.”

“...Weird. So you’d need to sleep in increments of an hour and a half?”

“If you want to wake up rested instead of feeling like shit, yeah. Seven and a half or nine hours is good for most people. Ten and a half for kids.” I shrugged. “Depends on the person. And the cycles can be changed, but polyphasic sleeping’s a bitch to keep track of and I don’t care enough to keep talking about it. You ready to do this?”

“Yep! What do we need to do?”

“First, get comfortable,” I said, walking over to one of the couches and tossing some cushions in front of the statue. She knelt down on them and I walked back over. “Now, put your horn right in front of the hole.”

“...Are you sure you’re talking about the statue and not yourself?”

“That’s later.” She smiled and lowered her horn right to the entrance. I gently grasped it with my hand. “Gird yourself, Twilight. Horrors are coming.”

“I’m ready. I think.”

“You’re not. Plug your horn in.” She took a deep breath and closed the gap.

I blinked and then nothing happened.

“So uh… Maybe it does need a spell?” She didn’t respond at all. “Twilight?” I let go of her horn and poked her. She didn’t move at all. Huh.

My immediate guess is that we got into the dream world and Twilight’s mind was pulled away to deal with her greatest fear. Since I had already conquered the place, I didn’t have to worry about that, and stayed where my physical body had been.

“Think I should help her out, or what?” I asked as I stood.

“It would be nice, yes. And the sooner you can get this over with, the sooner you can fix the machine and get back to writing or painting.”

“Yes, because those are really things I look forward to.” I closed my eyes, focused, and snapped. When I opened my eyes again, Twilight was in front of me, looking rather confused.

“Where… What happened?”

“I got bored of waiting, so I brought you here,” I said. “This was easier than dealing with whatever you might have been afraid of.”

“...Thank you. And… thank you for not barging in on it, too.”

“I’ve seen your dreams, remember. Which means I’ve seen your nightmares. I have a pretty good idea of what it was.” She blushed and looked away. “If I want to see Spike cuckolding you, I can hit up Sweetie Belle’s dreams and just toss you in.”

“...What?”

“Nothing. Let’s do the next step.”

“Does Sweetie Belle actually have a crush on Spike?”

“Is that really what you took away from what I said?”

She giggled. “Nav, I know how to deal with you now. It’s usually obvious when you’re just looking for a reaction.”

“Well, time to work on my game, I guess. Gotta start doing more reaction-worthy things. I’ll have to arrange for you to walk in on Doppel railing me with your brother’s body.”

“Ew. Anyway, now what?”

“Touch your horn to the other Twilight’s horn, if you know what I mean.”

She smirked. “No, I don’t know what you mean. Please explain it.”

I pointed to the Twilight chilling on the floor. “Put your horn against that thing’s horn. God Twilight, I didn’t know you were this retarded. Do you need me to hold your horn while you do it so you don’t fuck up and chip it?”

She shivered. “Ooh, chipping a horn would be awful… But no, I believe I’ll be fine. What happens after I do that?”

Um. How to explain this… “Everything you’re afraid of will start spawning in this room and I’ll kill them all with an assault rifle, leaving a very bloody mess all over the place.”

“Oh. What’s an assault rifle?”

I summoned forth another AK-47 and held it up for her. “This here’s a kalashnikov, a gun that fires bullets at a very fast speed. The actual definition of an assault rifle depends on whether you’re talking to a democrat or a republican, but it’s essentially a long arm that’s capable of doing immense amounts of damage very quickly.

“What are—”

“Shut up and put your horn against the other horn. We ain’t got all day. Time in the dream world is iffy and we are quite capable of starving to death if we take too long.”

“...Right.” She walked over to the other Twilight and touched horns.

A moment later, a disappointed Celestia appeared and I immediately shot her. Then (male) me in armor, and I only paused for a moment before shooting. Sombra also appeared and I deep sixed his ass. Then Trixie, a giant spider, one of the paper golems from Athena’s place (which I killed by dumping acid on it), Pinkie, Nightmare Moon, regular Luna, Chrysalis, another random changeling, a large being made of fire (which I killed with water), a naga, an older stallion that seemed rather disapproving, and the female me, dressed like a fucking slut.

Then I heard her start coughing behind me. “What is that smell?” she hoarsely and horsely asked, still struggling to breathe.

“Gunpowder. And probably some burst lower intestines. I get being afraid of the me in armor, but why the slut me?”

“...What?” She finally looked over the bodies on the floor and seemed to pale slightly, despite knowing they were fake. “Um… I think I know why…”

“Well?” I shouldered the AK and propped my leg up on Celestia’s body.

She sighed. “Ever since I was a filly blossoming into a mare, I was… anxious about some things. Namely… sexual things. Just the thought could make me hyperventilate. Even today, thinking about it makes me feel… nervous, sometimes. And I associate you with sex more than anything else.”

“Wow. So I’m just a sex object to you? I see how it is.”

“No! That’s not—” She saw my smirk. “Fine, you got me that time. So now what?”

“Now we get to go on an adventure,” I said. “Unless I can cheat and Luna was just trying to show off.”

“What do you mean?”

“Take my hand,” I said, holding it out for her. She shrugged and grabbed it. I thought about the room full of artifacts hidden deep within the other human bunker and tried to force myself there.

Nothing happened.

“So…” she started.

“Didn’t work.” Then I thought about where Luna took us in the first time. We appeared in the dark in an instant and my body involuntarily froze when I heard Twilight move. Oh dear god, I’m back in the bunker.

Even though I should have been able to partially see, darkness consumed my vision and I started hearing the whispers come back. My breathing started picking up pace as I spun my head around, trying to pinpoint where the noise was coming from.

Then Twilight summoned a light and saw me. “Nav, what’s wrong?”

As soon as I realized I wasn’t actually alone, I took a deep breath and practically fell to the ground. “I… thought I was back in the bunker,” I quietly said. “This place… preys on your fears. And it doesn’t help that the layout is practically the same… This is an underground bunker…”

She wrapped me in a warm hug. “This time, you’re not alone. I’m here and Flo is here. Haunted or not, we can beat this.”

“I know,” I sighed, not standing or returning the hug. “I’m just so, so tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of wandering listlessly through barren, metallic halls. Tired of the whispers, of the darkness, of the monsters waiting and watching…”

“But this is a dream, Nav. A dream you are in control of. Make this place whatever you want and it’ll have to obey your will.”

“All I want it to be is a glass of cold whiskey and a gun with a single bullet. But life has a way of never giving me what I want.” I slowly stood back up and stretched. As I did so, the room started lighting up until it was practically bright as day.

“Is that… you?” she asked.

“Yeah. And so is this.” I knelt down and touched the floor. Grass began spreading out from my fingertips, shooting up from the metal floor until it covered all the ground before us. I stood back up and started walking along the path, trailing a hand along the wall. As we walked further down, the walls started sprouting flowers and leaves, turning into a blooming wall of bushes.

When they were both converted, I turned my gaze up to the dull roof. Twilight squawked in surprise when I stepped onto her back to stroke the ceiling, making it turn a pale blue all the way down before us. By the time I hopped off her back, it looked like we were in an outdoor hedge maze.

And then a beholder floated around one of the corners we were coming up to. I vaporized it before it could even turn toward us and just kept walking.

“What… was that?” Twilight asked, following.

“Beholder. Something from my mind, probably.” I slid my hands against my sides before I realized I didn’t have any pockets, then made pockets to jam my hands into. “Enjoy the scenery. It’s going to be a long walk.”

“How long?”

“Dunno. We made it in an hour or two when I was running a few kilometers per hour. I guess if we were in a real hurry and you trusted Flo, we could probably make it in a few minutes.”

“How?”

I snapped my fingers and summoned a jet bike from Jet Moto. “Flo, you got control.” I hopped on and patted the back of it for Twilight.

“What… is that?” she asked.

“A good mode of transportation. We’ll get there before we can get spooked too much, hopefully.”

“It’s floating.”

“Sure is. You gonna hop on or what?”

“Is it… safe?”

“Dunno. Flo’s driving and she’s like an overprotective grandma with perfect memory of our path, so probably.”

Twilight sighed and used magic to pull a helmet from nowhere. She strapped it on and then awkwardly got on behind me. It was a tight fit and she had to wrap her forelegs around me so she didn’t fall off, but we were both quickly situated.

“Are you sure—SWEET CELESTIA!” Flo popped the boost immediately, shooting us forward at an insane speed and making Twilight hold on so tightly it hurt.

Since it was actually fucking terrifying to watch the place zoom by at ridiculous speeds, I let Flo take full control and slipped back inside my mind until she slid the bike to a stop. “We’re at the catwalk,” she told me.

“You’re the best, Flo,” I said before taking control back. The bike was gone and Twilight and I were sitting on the grassy ground, with her holding on for dear life. “Twilight, we’re there.”

“I… I think I… may have wet myself…”

“Gross. Are you gonna let go or what?”

“What was that?”

“A good mode of transportation. You’re actually kinda hurting me, Twilight.” Her grip slowly eased up until I could pull away and stand, stretching again to get the kinks out from where Twilight tried to break me in half. “You know, if you were really that afraid, you should have just had Aqua take over and escape to your center.”

“I… can do that?”

“Oh yeah. I let Flo take over when I’m doing boring things, like having sex with Doppel or talking about your feelings. I just retreat inward and cut off any contact with the outside world. She also occasionally takes over at the worst possible moments, like…” My eyes went unfocused and I said, “Disregard that, I suck cocks.” I blinked and shook my head. “Like that.”

Flo took over and said, “He’s lying.”

I cleared my throat. “She’s just trying to confuse you. Don’t listen to her lies.”

Twilight smirked and shook her head. “Nav, you’re really silly sometimes. So, are we where we’re supposed to be?”

“Almost. Just gotta get over there,” I said, pointing to the far end of the catwalk.

She nodded and stood, tossing off the helmet. “So what is this place?” she asked, looking around.

“If I had to guess, I’d say this was either some kind of cryogenic storage facility or a place to store a lot of chemicals. Those vats down there could definitely hold a lot of fluids, but the pods on the walls make me curious.”

“I don’t know what cryogenic means.”

“Oh well.” We both started walking to the end, where the door was already open and waiting for us. “This was a lot easier than last time.”

“You also have experience and a lot more control. And, of course, Flo.”

“Luna had experience and control last time. But she’s also kind of a bitch, so she didn’t really use either in any useful way.”

She stopped and grabbed my hand with a hoof, making me also stop. “Nav, can we… talk about Luna?”

“No.” I pulled my hand away and kept walking. “Let’s get out of here quickly.”

She sighed and continued following me. “I know you’re not happy, Nav.”

“And talking won’t make it better. I’ve tried. And remember, it’s not too late for me to turn this dream mobile behind. This is a very prestigious privilege you’re about to get, Twilight. One you probably shouldn’t have. And it’s one I definitely don’t want to see you abusing.”

“Nav, I’m not a foal. I probably won’t use this power much anyway, since you said it isn’t like real sleep.”

“You say that now, but entering dreams can be… addicting. You can do whatever you want to whoever you want and there aren’t any consequences because to them, it’s just a dream. Luna gave me this power to bust nightmares, which I do, but I also spend a lot of time just messing around.”

“Isn’t that abusing your power?”

“Absolutely. But I don’t do anything that might hurt anyone. The only person I ever gave nightmares was Diamond Tiara, because she was trying to get my dick and it was creepy.”

“Huh. And… will I be able to see if anyone’s having… wet dreams? About me?”

“Wet dreams, yes. You can see what they’re about by peeking in. I’ll explain it all once I start teaching you. You can also, as I’m sure you know, change dreams. So if they weren’t having a wet dream…”

“Yes, I know that full well, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She rolled her eyes. And since we were coming up on the storage room thing, I didn’t bother teasing her any more. Once we stepped inside. “...That’s unexpected.” Copies of Luna and I were sitting right in front of the other statue. Luna’s horn was jammed in and my hand was around it.

“So… why are you both sitting there?” Twilight asked.

“This is the last step of getting control. Luna plugged her horn in with my hand around it. I didn’t figure we’d be stuck here. Huh.”

“So… what do I do?”

I shrugged. “Try putting your horn in Luna’s vag.”

“No.”

“Ugh, fine. Try putting your horn against hers.”

“Easy enough.” She walked over and pressed her horn up against the Luna’s, then spasmed as she locked into place.

“Weird. Flo, thoughts?”

“I’d say it worked for Twilight. The question is, how do we get out?”

“Seems simple,” I said, walking up to the other me. I put my hand against his head and found myself sitting back on the outside. “Alright, that was fun.” It felt like my legs had fallen asleep, so I stretched them out.

“So… now what?” Twilight asked, looking to me.

“We let Flo screw around with the settings to see if she can get it to work with other races, and set it to good dreams. Then I’ll test to see if I have access to Doppel’s dreams.”

“Can you enter dreams while you’re awake?”

“Yeah. Flo’s the only thing in control of my body at that point, though. Something else I can teach you when we start.”

“I’m really looking forward to it. It sounds like a really useful and fun skill.”

“It is. Now…” I held my hand up next to the dataport on the machine. “Flo?”

“Do you want me to try to activate all races, or just changelings to test?”

“All. If we fuck up, well, what’s a night of bad dreams?”

Twilight said, “To those not used to dreams at all, a nightmare might make them afraid to sleep for a while.”

“Fear’s good for you,” I said. “Just activate it.” Flo sighed and slid out of me again, speeding on down to the machine. “Alright. Twilight, what time is it?”

“Uh.” She looked around the room until she found a clock, then floated it over. “It’s getting late. Late enough that Doppel might be asleep. Or if not her, a griffin or another changeling you might know. One of the naga, maybe.”

“I’ll find someone.”

“Good, good. So, how does this machine work?”

“No fucking clue. I’ve been wondering the same thing for a while. There were some really smart people there at the end of the world, I guess.”

“Do you know why it was made, at least?”

“I can make a few guesses. My main thought is that it’s used to protect minds from Discord at night. But it got deactivated at some point and he didn’t actually take anyone over. My second thought is that it was only supposed to be on long enough for all the human-created species to gain sapience, to help guide their evolution.”

“So… We weren’t created with sapience?”

“I dunno. I honestly have no clue what happened after humans died. Hell, I can only assume you guys were made by humans instead of evolving naturally. But based on some things I was told in the bunker, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. But again, I don’t know how or why.”

“How do we learn?”

“Two ways. Find all the elementals and see if any of them have answers, or go to the bunker we were just at in the dream and see if it has any answers.”

“What if it’s… haunted?”

“Then the answers can go fuck themselves, because I sure as hell ain’t going in there.” Flo started slithering back up my arm, so Twilight stopped asking stupid questions. “You get it activated?” I asked when she was inside of me, if you know what I mean.

“I think so. We’ll have to test it. And the sooner, the better.”

“Alright. Twilight, I’m heading into the dream world. If you don’t mind sticking around, I could use your help getting this machine back in Luna’s creepy room.”

“Should we put it back there?” she asked. “We’re the only ones that know how to use it now that she’s gone. Does it matter if it’s out in the open?”

“Luna may be a psychopath, but I don’t think she’s a complete idiot. If she had it locked up, there was probably a reason. Besides, Celestia will probably be coming by to remove that creepy shadow thing soon anyway.”

“...Can we wait until she does? I can’t use magic through the miasma of darkness in that room, so you’d have to figure out how to get it in there yourself anyway.”

“Fuck. Whatever, then. Not like anyone’ll be coming up here anyway. Now, I’m heading in. Should be out soon.”

“Alright. Good luck.”

Like I need luck. I closed my eyes and let the darkness consume me. Soon, I stood before Flo. “Anything else you can tell me about the machine?” I asked.

“It’s… complicated. Far more intricate than the laptop. I had to manually flip some bits to… Well, the details aren’t important. I don’t really know much about it and I don’t think I can do much interfacing with it. I’m fairly certain I got dreams on, though.”

“Then let’s find out,” I said. Just like that, we were floating in the anteroom of the dream realm. What were usually thousands of lights were instead tens of thousands, all around me, of all different types and intensities. “I’d say that’s a good sign.”

“But can you access them?” Flo asked. “Find someone we know.” My thoughts went to Doppel first, but I couldn’t find anything from her. Then I thought about Gilda with a similar result. Finally, I thought about Spike and found my head turning. Since it seemed I found his dream, I took a step toward where I was now looking and found myself in front of a golden ball.

Carefully now… I slowly reached in and gingerly peeled the smoke away, then peeked inside. A younger Spike was using my stomach as a pillow. We were both staring up at the sky and he was pointing out clouds or something. Strangely enough, the me in there was also a chick. There wasn’t anyone else in the dream so it was definitely his. I let the smoke go and backed away.

“Yep, I can access his dreams. That’s one race. Let’s try this…” I thought of Ames and my head turned another way. When I scooted over there, I saw another golden dream that I poked open. Ames was chilling in there, fighting his way through hordes of other naga. He looked like he was having fun, so I backed out. “And there’s him.” I thought of Chrysalis, felt my head turning, and then immediately decided I didn’t want to see her dreams anyway, so I thought of Bloodbeak. My head turned yet another way, so I nodded. “I have access.”

“So it seems,” Flo said. “How do you think Luna will take it?”

“Poorly. We used the machine without asking her and modified how it works without any input from her. I can’t imagine she’ll be very happy at all.”

“What a shame.” She didn’t sound very remorseful. “Do you want to do any dream policing while you’re here? Or maybe actually enter one of them?”

“I’ll check on it periodically tonight. But for now, I should probably talk to Twilight and tell her she’s free to go to bed or whatever.”

“Good plan. Then shall we?”

I opened my eyes and started to stand, only to quickly discover that something strange happened while I was out. My arms and legs were restrained and I wasn’t wearing any clothes. “Oh good, you’re back,” Twilight said, hopping up onto the bed and straddling me. “So, I know you said you wanted to ruin her panties, but I hope you’ll settle for ruining her bed!”

“I don’t mind one little bit,” I said with a smile.

Her horn lit up and a riding crop switched me. “Your mistress didn’t say you could speak. Now, how shall we begin…?”

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Six—The First Date

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Six—The First Date

In the three days after Twilight and I flipped on the dream machine for all the races, Celestia got unsolicited messages from Chrysalis, Luna, Bloodbeak, and the dragons asking what the fuck the ponies did. Personally, I found it extremely amusing that all of them turned straight to blaming the ponies.

I stopped laughing when Celestia made me write the response letters explaining it.

But aside from having to draft up some letters to a few very angry and confused rulers, I had most of that time to myself. And Taya, of course, was a nearly constant fixture to my side. Since I honestly didn’t want to get caught in any more intrigue or adventures while I was in Canterlot, I did my best to stay locked up in my room aside from when it was time to eat (which Taya made me do a lot), to take Taya running (which I made her do a lot), or to fuck Celestia (which didn’t happen a lot, sadly).

I used that time reasonably well, I guess. The books Fleur wanted were easy enough to finish, and I had them all sent off to my super secret publisher. And since writing books looked like it was a good way to spread some nice little dissent, I started writing a few more rabble-rousing ones. I also made sure to sneak some of the others I wrote out of Celestia’s room, since she still had copies of all of them. The ones she didn’t have, Luna apparently took.

That was probably a bad idea, but I figured, you know, whatever. What was the worst that could happen, right?

Things were going pretty good, up until the stupid public date Cadance cursed us with. A simple appearance at a Wonderbolts show, Celestia said. Public but private and it’s something friends could go to without arousing too much suspicion. And technically a date, so it fit.

A simple appearance, she said. I thought it would be like the stupid play she took me to ages ago, or the opera with Luna. No guards, no fanfare, no fuss.

That’s what I get for thinking, I guess.

“So what’s with all the activity?” I asked when I met her in the throne room. “There are guards and servants all over the place.”

“Why, we’re going out, of course,” she said with a flash of a smile.

“So? They didn’t make anything about it the last time we went somewhere.”

“Let’s go for a short walk, my dear friend,” she said, stepping down from her dais and walking toward me. Her guards started to follow, but she lifted a wing and they stopped in place. We continued to walk out, where the guards eyed her again before shrugging and remaining at their posts. We stayed in silence until we were out of earshot of anyone that might be around. “I’m sure you’ve heard some of the… rumors.”

“I haven’t. Or at least, nothing about this. Fleur talked my fucking ear off the last time I saw her.”

“Well, I don’t suppose I’m surprised you haven’t heard anything concerning yourself. After what happened with my sister, there are many that assumed you would dislike me. And then with Luna’s disappearance, and the sudden appearance of many books you did not get permission to print, there were… whispers of discontent. When you came back to Canterlot and immediately closeted yourself away with me, many thought I was… forcing you to stay against your will.”

“So this date has a dual purpose, doesn’t it?”

“I’d be a fool not to take the chance to show everypony that there are no ill thoughts between us.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. Everything Luna did to me was something you let happen, and I haven’t forgotten that. Same for Kat. I have plenty of ill thoughts. I just happen to not act upon them.”

“...Of which I am thankful. Cadance’s silly dare forced my hoof, but I would have asked you to attend something public like this before you left anyway, to quell any rumors. I’d rather my subjects assume we’re dating than think I’m mistreating you.”

“If you want, I can get your pretty saddle and those pink reins you like so much and ride you there. That might let them think we’re dating.”

“I’ll do that if you wear a pretty dress.”

“Tch, wear a dress while riding? Hell no. It’d ride up like crazy. As much as I like giving everyone a free view, I’d rather not do it on a date. I can wear sexy panties for you, though. But only if you wear a vibe.”

“...Remote?”

“Wireless, of course. I get the remote.”

She sighed. “As enticing as that sounds, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline this time. It will be a public event, after all, and not one I can justify wearing a dress to. It would not do to be… leaking where everypony can smell.”

“...If you wear the panties, I’ll wear the vibe.”

She blinked a few times. “I… forgot you can do that, now. Not this time, though. But I’ll definitely be giving you one later. It will be a much better way of making you come to me than sending a maid.”

“God, you are such a slut.”

“Takes one to know one,” she said with a smirk.

“Maybe. At least I don’t want to be ridden like a common animal.”

“True. You’d prefer to be ridden like one in heat. But anyway, I expect you to be on your best behavior today. It will be relatively private, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be getting watched. I know you usually enjoy making me suffer, but I can’t allow it today. Things need to go smoothly.”

“Ugh, fine. No molesting you, then. But you better behave yourself, too!”

“Of course. This is for my benefit, after all. We’ll have plenty of time to tease each other in public later, when it won’t matter as much. And of course, since I know how much you hate being in the limelight, I’ll be happy to help you unwind however you want tonight.”

“Sounds good to me.” Wonder if she’d be upset if I brought Twilight. “Given our… extra attention, do I need to dress up or anything?”

“I see no real need. Most of my subjects would be more surprised to see you in nice clothes than without, and it would be wise to give them what they’d expect.”

“Cool. When do we leave?”

“Within the hour. Feel free to return to your room to prepare. I can send for you when it’s time.”

“I’m as ready as I’m gonna get. Taya already knows I’m leaving and has voiced all the disapproval about it that she can.”

Celestia pursed her lips and stepped into a conveniently located sitting room, then used magic to pull me in behind her. When we were safely ensconced away, she pulled the door shut and sat down on one of the horse couches. “When I came to Ponyville to deal with Pinkie, you told me Taya was giving you… trouble.” I sighed and sat on a couch across from her. “You said she wanted to… sleep with you.”

“She did, yes. I don’t know if she still does. But I know she doesn’t approve of you and I know she didn’t approve of Kumani.”

“How did you… become aware of her desires?”

“I looked in her dreams the first time she went into heat and saw her doing things with me. When I spoke to her about it the next morning, she tried to… talk me into making her dreams a reality. She was less than pleased when I declined. She kept it to a low simmer for a while, but when we were in the Crystal Empire, it… exploded in her again. I had to spank her. She hasn’t tried anything since.”

“It’s a shame you had to hurt her, but sometimes that’s the only way to resolve such a situation. Do you think it might be some form of jealousy? That you’re giving other mares attention you never gave her?”

“In some ways, yeah. But she didn’t even know what incest was, and when I told her, she claimed that it didn’t count because I’m not her real dad.”

“Well… It wouldn’t technically be illegal, but I certainly can’t advise it. And I most definitely understand why you’d be reluctant about it. Have you… tried finding her a special somepony, perhaps?”

“I don’t think she’s interested. And with us on the move, she’d lose him quickly.”

“True… If she begins to act up like that again, do you have a plan?”

“Cry.”

“Do you have an effective plan?”

“If talking her out of it didn’t work and if spanking her didn’t work, I don’t know what else I can really do, aside from just not fucking her. Maybe if I gave her the other thing she wanted, but that’s not going to happen.”

“What did she want?”

“Me to date Fluttershy. She—and everyone else, for that matter—seems to think it would be a good idea. And she definitely doesn’t want me dating you.”

“Why wouldn’t she want that?”

“Probably because of all the shit you did to me in the past. Just because I’m able to put it to the back of my mind doesn’t mean she is.”

“That is a shame… Do you think some mare-to-mare bonding would help?”

“That would probably do the exact opposite of help. If you want a precious foal you can spoil and love, you’re going to have to look somewhere else.”

“My eyes already look to the Everfree for that, you needn’t worry. I rather doubted Taya would ever come to call me mommy, but should the relationship between you and I last, I hope she will at least come to call me friend.”

“That’s a slightly more realistic hope. Though I gotta ask, what’s in the Everfree? You gonna clone yourself a foal or something?”

“Not quite. Don’t worry about it.” I shrugged. “Is there anything you think I can do to help with Taya?”

“The only thing I can think would be to let her see us together. Or at least, that’s the only thing I can think of that doesn’t involve you getting hurt. A lot.”

“...What do you mean? Do you think Taya would hurt me?”

“I honestly can’t say. I’d like to hope she wouldn’t, but something tells me that if you offered to let her torture you in exchange for forgiveness, she wouldn’t hesitate too much in taking you up on that offer. I uh… I kinda failed as a parent. A lot.”

The look on her face definitely had some shock in it, though there was also a hint of agreement. “Surely she wouldn’t truly…”

“I honestly don’t know. And of course, there’s no guarantee she’d actually forgive you afterwards. She is… sadistic, in a way. A child with too much destructive power and not enough knowledge of what pain really is. Or maybe too much knowledge. Either way, that’s not a road we’re going down.”

“Nav, has she… threatened you? Or hurt you?”

“After the Crystal Empire, we came to an understanding,” I coldly replied. “She learned how poorly such an attempt would go for her.”

Celestia sighed and slowly walked to my couch, then used magic to push me back so she could lie on top of me, cuddling and squishing me. “Had I known how she would take to your custody, I might not have pushed so strongly for her to stay with you. I’m sorry I did this to you, Nav, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your warning.”

“What’s done is done,” I said before kissing her on the nose. “I’ve come to love Taya, even if she is kinda a bitch at times. Being a parent is hard and worrying and yada yada, but it’s not all bad.”

“It’s relieving to hear that. I hope I’ll one day know the joy.”

“Have fun with that. Now get off me. You’re fucking heavy.”

“Hmm, I don’t know…” She leaned in and licked me across the face. “You’re comfortable and you taste good. I might just keep you here for a while.”

“What if I promised to pay you in kisses?”

“Why take a few later when I can take all I want now?” To prove the point, she actually kissed me instead of nastily licking me.

“Because I’m too cute to torture like that.”

“While I won’t deny that you’re adorable, I don’t know if you’re that cute.” She stole yet another kiss before I could come up with a reply.

“What if I said you’re too pretty to be a bad girl?”

“Many of my less intelligent servants thought Nightmare Moon was beautiful.” She kissed me one more time.

“But I’m not stupid. I don’t usually make those kinds of mistakes.”

She smirked. “You thought Luna was beautiful.” And of course, she got another short kiss.

“There are, of course, exceptions to the rule.”

“And what makes you think I’m not one of them, hm?” She tried to kiss me again, but I leaned in and kissed her first.

“Because you’re too naughty to be bad,” I whispered when I pulled away.

“And what do naughty ponies get?” she asked with a small smile.

I quickly showed her.

“Ah, Princess, are you… alright?” one of the stadium guards asked when we got there. Her flanks were slightly red and she was walking somewhat tenderly, so I suppose they had every reason to be concerned.

“I’m feeling just fine,” she said with a smile. “Our seats are this way?” We were on the staircase to the VIP section, with two of her guards behind us. Scores of peasants were watching our every move and I imagined several reporters were just waiting for a sign of weakness to descend upon us.

“When the stadium master heard you were coming with your…” His eyes flicked to me for a moment before returning to the princess. “...guest, she arranged something more fitting for you, Princess.”

“That was very thoughtful of her, but it really wasn’t necessary,” Celestia replied, still wearing a smile. “But if it’s already made up for us, I suppose we shall make use of it.”

“Your highness,” the fellow said with a small bend of his knees. Then he looked away and shrilly whistled, getting the attention of a busboy or something, who flew over to us with a nervous look on his face. “Take the princess to her seats.”

The young guy slowly traced his eyes up Celestia’s body until he was looking at her eyes, with his body seeming to shrink on itself all the while. Since that obviously wasn’t going anywhere, I stepped next to him and put a hand on his back. “She’s not in the habit of biting, kid,” I said. Nibble, maybe, but only on wings and nipples. “Ain’t nothin’ to be afraid of.” Unless you piss her off, then god help you.

Celestia’s personal guards both rolled their eyes. The stadium guard prodded the nervous colt, making him actually start walking, head hung low. Celestia followed, a bemused expression on her face. I just shook my head and walked next to her, wondering why everyone was always so afraid of someone so cute and cuddly.

Then I remembered the time she tried to wipe my memories and stopped wondering.

When she bumped against me and gave me a smile, I started wondering if she could read my mind. Then she winked and looked back to the poor colt we were following. I kinda wanted to say something, but figured it would be better not to.

Celestia’s (mostly) personal box ended up being in the center of the stadium, in full view of everyone that wanted to look. There definitely wasn’t any chance of hiding any illicit acts, so I wiped that thought from my mind quickly.

Because she’s a lot more popular than I am, Celestia got the nicer seat. She probably would have let me take it if I asked (or let me sit nestled against her), but I was content to sit in the less fancy one next to her. The two guards took up positions at our backs, pointlessly making sure the box we were in was safe.

“Gotta say, getting the royal treatment ain’t always bad,” I remarked, leaning back as much as I could in the seat. It was nice and cushioned, though it didn’t have any kind of recline. And it was nowhere near as ornate as hers.

“It isn’t,” she agreed with a small nod. “It’s something you’ll have plenty of time to get used to.”

“Tch. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with uppity nobles in the VIP section. Those bastards would be shoving their lips so far up your ass I’d still be trying to dig them out tonight.”

“That’s not a mental image I’m overly happy to have, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Surprised no reporters or anything have made their way up here.”

“We’re being magically eavesdropped on now, don’t you worry. And several are taking pictures.”

“Thanks for telling me that now.”

“You’re welcome. Would you like anything before the show starts?”

“Nah. Taya’s already trying to fatten me up. I don’t need stadium junkfood helping her.”

“Oh? Trying to watch your figure, hm?”

“Bah. The only reason I ain’t starving to death is because of that damn tree thing.”

“...Yes, you are disgustingly thin. Maybe I should join her in fattening you up. I think it would be good for you.”

“The only sweet thing of yours I’d like to eat is—”

“Ah, it’s starting,” she happily broke in, stopping me from talking about her super secret cake stash. She looked around the stadium near us to catch the eye of a food guy, then lifted a hoof. He blinked before shrugging and tossing her two bags of popcorn. She grabbed them both with magic and floated them over. I reached out to grab one, but she pulled it out of my reach. “You said you didn’t want any, remember?”

“Fine, be that way. You need to eat twice as much to keep your figure, anyway.” She nearly choked on the popcorn she was in the middle of shoving in her mouth, but since she shoved one of the bags at me, I think it was worth it.

But what she said before was accurate; the show thing was starting. The Luna-sounding announcer was doing her spiel quite happily, and made sure to mention how the sexiest princess was there to see the show as well (though she failed to mention the sexy part). I didn’t merit a mention, apparently, but I know a number of the peasants sitting around the stadium saw me anyway. Celestia, for her part, pleasantly waved and whatnot with one hoof, while the other shoved more popcorn in her face.

Since it was obviously the cool thing to do, I tried tasting it. As I expected, the stuff was shit. To substitute for not having any salt, it was drenched in butter. But since Celestia got it for me and I was apparently there to look pretty and play nice for the cameras, I forced myself to eat it anyway.

At least it served as an unpleasant distraction from the boring Wonderbolts show. Oh look, they’re taking a left turn. And then another left turn. And then another left turn. Ugh, how do people like fucking racing? Of course, it didn’t help that these guys were going so fast it was hard to follow them at times, and they all wore the same colored uniform so it was even harder to distinguish them, aside from the trails they left in the air.

That Soarin’ fellow won the opening race, and after that, they started with the actual show. “What did you think of that?” Celestia asked as they started to set up.

“It certainly takes skill,” I diplomatically answered. “That said, flying in a circle isn’t something I find overly entertaining.”

“Sometimes the simpler things are nice to enjoy. And there’s always the stallions… I’ve heard gossip that Soarin’s one of the most eligible bachelors in Equestria, now.”

“Lucky him. I’d prefer Spitfire. I can definitely appreciate what that spandex does for her body…”

“I’ll remember that.” Score. “I’m sure we’ll have the chance to meet both of them after the show, anyway. We can talk about… all sorts of things.” Oh man. Orgy time? Can’t wait.

The next half hour went by fairly slowly, with Celestia occasionally commenting on shit the flying horses were doing. She also got a few more snacks and made me partake each time, though I passed on the corn dogs that were actually just corn mushed into the shape of a dog.

Some time in the middle of another performance thing, a guard quietly stepped up next to Celestia and whispered something as close to her ear as he could get. She frowned and took the letter he had with him and snapped it open.

It didn’t take her very long to read it and her frown deepened even more when she finished. “It seems I’ll never be allowed more than a few moments of peace,” she sighed. “Though I suppose this should be expected, after what’s happening in the south…”

“What’s going on?” I asked when she stood.

“An unpleasant spirit is haunting Tallahorsee and it seems another might be in Mareami. This happens sometimes when they’re pushed out of one area and into another without being properly dispelled.”

“...Do you have to deal with it now?”

“I do. Bake-kujiras will drive my ponies to the point of panic immediately, and it seems there are several out and about.”

“Bake-whats?”

“Ghost whales, accompanied by their own fleets of ghost fish and birds. Now excuse me. I must go to the palace and get Twilight and a few other things.”

“Do you need me?”

“No. Nor would I be quick to request your presence against the undead after… your experiences.”

“Hey, I ain’t got no problem with—”

“So you say. I’ll see you in a few days, Nav.”

“...See you, sunbutt.” She smiled slightly, then her horn lit up and she popped away, leaving me with three guards that shrugged and immediately departed as well, presumably all heading back to the palace. I was also somewhat tempted to leave, but I didn’t have anything else to do anyway, so I just sighed and leaned back into the seat, thinking.

“It’ll be like this all the time, you know,” Flo said. “If you actually start dating her, you will never come before her country.” I opened my mouth to respond, but she pushed it closed. “And remember that you’re probably still being eavesdropped on.”

I’d be surprised and a little disappointed if she did put me first. We’re both adults with responsibilities and whatever. I mean, hell, Taya would come first for me.

“Taya is generally a little less demanding than a country. I’m just warning you that if you do decide to stick with Celestia, be prepared to have your moments interrupted often, when you can even have moments. And you’ll definitely have to be more polite, then. It would be bad for her if you misbehaved too much after the two of you make it public.”

There are no good options in this world, are there?

“There’s always the future. Other options may present themselves. And of course, there are always options you overlooked or ignored in the past.”

I’m not dating Fluttershy.

“I wasn’t referring to her. Perhaps in the future you’ll consider this mare more of an option. Though I suppose, given Celestia’s likely plans, such a thing wouldn’t be well-received by her.”

Which likely plans?

“Oh, just a suspicion of mine. Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about.”

My pretty little head worries about a lot of things. Especially any of Celestia’s potential plans.

“You’ll have plenty of time to be worried about this one later, if it ever comes to fruition. The way things are going, she might well reconsider.”

You’re being pointlessly vague and hiding things from me when you have absolutely no reason to. You know how much I hate that.

“I know. But frustrating you is one of the few sources of amusement I have at the moment, so I make sure to take full advantage of it whenever I can.”

You’re sadistic.

“And you’re masochistic. We make such a good couple.”

Oh? Are you saying you’re one of the ones I overlooked?

“We would be an awful couple. I know more about you than you do and I’m a few years older, besides. I’m more like the mother Freud always knew you wanted.”

Comforting. Speaking of which, since I’m going to be alone tonight now…

“Only if you beg so sweetly.”

Deal. Now, you think I should blow this joint, or keep up the act and wait for it to end?

“Wait for it to end. Don’t make it seem like you were just here because Celestia was keeping you here. And besides, it might give you a chance to hit on Spitfire some more.”

That is a very good point. But you’re not just saying that so you don’t have to molest me, right?

“I can molest you when you fall asleep tonight, since yesterday was the last day of summer.”

Huh. Figured these guys would be resting after the Summer Wrap Up thing in Ponyville.

“They’re paid to perform. If they don’t perform, they don’t get paid. Well, unless sponsorships and ads are a thing here.”

Meh. I’m honestly kinda surprised I didn’t notice it was Summer Wrap Up, or that Twilight didn’t mention it. But we were both in the palace all the time and stuck in our own little worlds, so I don’t suppose it’s too surprising it just passed us by.

...Though you’d think I would have noticed Celestia missing, or that she would have invited me had she gone to the festival out in Ponyville.

But none of that was really an issue. Honestly, I wasn’t that interested in going and I know Taya wouldn’t have cared. So I decided to focus back in on the show, where the Wonderbolts were bolting around doing wonderful things.

Each member had their own special vapor trail. Some left clouds with lightning shooting out, some left smoke clouds, and some left normal fluffy white clouds. They were using the trails to make glyphs in the sky and write some messages. I didn’t really know enough about any of them to know who was who, though.

When they finished that segment, all ten of the present Wonderbolts lined up facing the audience and the announcer started talking again. “For the next part of the show, we’ll need some pegasus volunteers from the audience!”

Of course, the crowd pretty much exploded. Hundreds of hooves immediately started waving, trying to get picked by their Wonderbolt of choice. I sighed and leaned back again, having a bad feeling Celestia was supposed to be one of the ‘volunteers’ and that I was going to get snatched in her place.

Sure enough, as nine of the fellows shot off to get their pick of the normal ponies, one of them flew directly at me and alighted on the railing in front of me. “Sup, Nav?” he said.

“Not much,” I somewhat reluctantly replied. “Let me guess: You’re looking for Celestia.”

“I was training all week to deal with somepony of her… size.”

“Well, luckily for you, she had to leave to take care of something. You’re free to choose someone normal.”

“‘Fraid not. Spits would be a little upset if I didn’t take you instead.”

“Hey, she can come get me herself. I’d be her volunteer any day, especially if it meant getting to ride her.”

He smiled. “I’ll certainly tell her you said that. Now come on.” He held out a hoof that I begrudgingly took, letting him drag me into the air. “It’s nothing embarrassing, so don’t worry.”

“Gettin’ embarrassed ain’t what I’m worried about,” I replied when he let me go so my wings could take the slack. Since he was apparently lazy, he quickly snatched up a small cloud to stand on. I sat down on his back because there wasn’t room on the cloud. We waited there for the others to take their volunteers. “So what are we doing?” I asked before the others could get back.

“You really don’t have to sit on me, you know.”

“Yeah, but you’re comfortable and I didn’t really want to leave my seat. So, what are we gonna be doing?”

“Holding hoops and making an obstacle course. Shouldn’t be tough for the great Navarone, right?”

“The hardest part will be watching you instead of one of the cute mares. But I guess there’ll be time for that after the show.”

“Yep.” He used a wing to push me off since the other athletes were either back with their volunteers or on the way back. I was somewhat expecting it, so I caught myself quickly as he lowered himself to where I was trying to stay in one place. “You uh… aren’t that good at flying, huh?”

“My wings are very different. Longer and placed in a bad spot. Hovering is hard.”

“...Wish I had known that. You aren’t that heavy. Hold on.” He held out his front hooves, so I grabbed them again and stopped flapping. He grunted once but then fell silent as the announcer started to talk.

“Our wonderful volunteers will be helping the Wonderbolts put on a show!”

Stage pegasi started flying out, all holding various items. One handed me three hoops, which I hung around my neck so I could keep hanging on to what I assumed was Soarin’. The other horses got lights, ropes, balls of varying sizes, and a few other things that I don’t really feel like listing.

When we all had our shit, the announcer continued, “Volunteers, your goal is to make a challenging course for the Wonderbolts. If you don’t know what the purpose of your item is, ask your Wonderbolt.”

“You know what hoops are, right?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, it’s a pretty difficult concept,” I sarcastically replied. I started swinging back and forth until I got enough momentum, then let go and landed on the small cloud. When I got there, I took one of the hoops in my hand to judge its weight, then tossed it a few feet up.

“Think you can use two of them?” Soarin’ asked from behind me. “We were thinking the princess could use all three, but…”

I took the other two in hand and started juggling them. His eyes bugged out and his mouth dropped. “One at a time is challenging enough, I think,” I said with a smirk.

“Well… that’s a trick I wasn’t expecting from you.”

“I got all kinds of surprises up my sleeves, flyboy. We doin’ this or what?”

“We’re supposed to wait for the others, but…”

He grinned and spread his wings before shooting off through the hoop that was in the air. He was going fast enough and timed it right, so he passed right through before it could hit him. I caught it and tossed the next one up, which he watched pass, then spread his wings and rocketed to the next one, whereupon he slammed into it because I threw it a little higher. The thing flew away and he rubbed at his nose.

“What… How did I hit it?!”

“You didn’t think I would make this easy, did you?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s gonna be like that, huh?” he asked while one of the stagehands flew me back the lost hoop. It was actually dented, not that it really mattered.

“Is that a problem?” I asked, turning to him with a small smile.

“The Wonderbolts live for challenges,” he flippantly replied. My smirk just grew.

By the end of that volunteer segment, all the hoops had several more dents and each of the Wonderbolts had an aching nose. Somehow, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be volunteered for anything at any of their shows in the future.

As tempting as it was to just straight up leave when we were told to go back to our seats, I decided to behave and go back to the special VIP area and sit back in my spot. Then I looked over at Celestia’s better chair and sat in that one instead, because fuck da police.

There was only one more section of the show anyway, just another few outro races to wrap everything up. Those finished quickly enough and as soon as the announcer said the show was done, the pegasi that got selected as volunteers were immediately swarmed. Paparazzi and whatnot, probably.

They were all smart enough to leave me alone.

I did get two other guests before I could leave, though. Spitfire and Soarin’ both landed in my booth. “‘Sup, Nav?” Spits asked. “Where’d the princess go?”

“Some shit’s going down in the south and she had to go take care of it. Apparently it was some kind of emergency. She’s probably already teleported there.”

“That’s a shame. We were looking forward to having her up there with us again. But then, you did a good enough job keeping us alert.”

“Is that a bit of a red nose there I see, captain?” I asked, reaching out to boop her.

“Very funny,” she replied, gently swatting at me with a hoof.

“Well, I’ve heard I give excellent wing massages, if you’re interested in a bit of repayment,” I said. “I don’t have any plans tonight…” At least, not anymore.

“Well well… That might be an offer I’d want to take.”

“Before you do, I suppose it would be polite to tell you… I’m kinda a female now.” They both blinked. “It involves a demon and a curse and yada yada, I have a vag now instead of a dick.”

“Um. Seriously?” Spits asked, cocking her head slightly.

“Yeah. If you’re not interested anymore, I understand.” She looked away and idly rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “Oh well… You’re probably pretty busy, captain and all.”

She jerked her eyes back up. “I mean… It’s not…”

“Hey, not being attracted to a gender is perfectly understandable. Not everyone is bi. But just know that if I get my penis back, I’m coming for dat ass.”

She finally smiled. “Only if you can catch me. But I might not run too hard. I’ll see you around, Nav.” And just like that, my chance at getting laid that night spread her wings and left.

“Fuck,” I cursed, slamming my foot into the ground. Then I noticed that Soarin’ was still standing there. “You need something?”

“So you’re… a mare?”

“I’m a woman. Female human. I’d prefer that not spread around too much, too. If you don’t need anything, I’m heading back to the palace.”

“Well… If you don’t have any plans, I’d love to hear the story. Maybe over dinner? Call it my treat, to make up for dragging you out as a volunteer.”

“Sure, I guess. Better than sitting back in the palace, bored as hell. You know Canterlot better than me, I bet. Where we going?”

“I know this place that has some awesome pie.”

“...Pie actually sounds really good right now. You need to get outta that uniform first?”

“Nah. Let’s go.” We both spread our wings and took off. When he realized how slow I was, he flitted back and matched my speed. “So what did you think of the show?”

“Pretty cool stuff, but I’m honestly not all that interested in most of it. I respect the skills, but it’s just not my thing. More of a fighter and a lover, I guess.”

“Well, I don’t know much about one of those. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing you in a practice fight, though. Unfortunately, the princess doesn’t really hold tournaments anymore, outside of the Europe parties.”

“She’d probably ban me anyway. She tried doing that with the Europe things. I gave her a cute grin and tickled her behind the ears to let me back in.”

“Sounds nice.”

“According to most ponies, it is. Belly rubs, wing massages, ear scratches. You guys have all kinds of adorable hotspots.” Since I was kind of expecting to be followed, I stopped flying and turned around. Sure enough, all manner of reporters and paparazzi were following us.

“What’s wro—oh.” I started pulling out a dagger and moved forward slightly, making them all scatter before Soarin’ grabbed my arm and pulled me into him. “Hold on tight.” When I saw his wings flex, I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and he shot off, leaving those bastards in the dust before they could regroup. He stopped halfway across the city and let me go. “Sorry about that. They follow us after shows sometimes.”

“Some were probably after me, too. They should know better, but some people are just gluttons for punishment. Anyway, shall we?”

“Yeah.” We started flying again, heading further into the city. “I’m always really hungry after these shows. Spits doesn’t like us eating too much before them. Says it’ll make us sluggish.”

“It can, depending on what you eat. And needing to pee definitely won’t help. Nerves can also make you sick if you eat, but I don’t think that’s really a problem for you guys.”

“For the newer members, it can be. I didn’t think you were an athlete, though.”

“I’m not. But it’s the same for a battle. The only difference is that you’re always nervous, experienced or not. If you fuck up, you lose the race and maybe upset some fans. If I fuck up, I die.”

“Understandable. This is our stop.” He started landing, so I followed him down. We were in a nice little plaza without that many ponies around. The few present saw us land but barely even reacted, aside from a few double-takes when they saw Soarin’s outfit. After a short moment to get his bearings, he started walking to a small diner on a corner.

Since he was finally silent for the first time, Flo decided it was time to make a point you probably should have fucking made as soon as it came to your attention, Flo.

Excuse me, I’m still a little bitter.

“So you realize you just agreed to a date with a stallion, right?” she asked.

This isn’t a date, Flo. He just asked me out.

…

Holy shit, I just agreed to a date with a stallion.

“This is how it all starts, you know,” she conversationally said. “First you start dating stallions, then you start dressing up like a girl everywhere, and then you end all your nights leaking cum from a different guy as you shamelessly fly back to the castle, minus the panties you let him keep as a trophy.”

That escalated quickly.

“Like your breathing when your paramour of the night starts pounding you?”

Christ, I get it, woman. Jesus. He probably didn’t even mean it as a date, anyway. Just being nice, or whatever.

“Then why’s he pulling out your chair?”

It was at that point that I realized we were actually in the diner. I had zoned out when Flo decided to tell me she thought it was a date and didn’t even notice that we made it in. Since the bastard was pulling out a chair for me (I think), I walked around to the other side of the table and sat down, leaving him awkwardly standing there before shrugging and joining me at the table.

“I’m kinda surprised you agreed to join me,” he said as he started pulling the headpiece of his uniform back.

It’s not a date, it’s not a date, it’s not a date… “Well, you said you were interested in how I became a chick. I figured you probably have a few interesting stories, too. Besides, it’s not like I have a lot going on right now anyway. Honestly, I’m surprised you asked me to join you. I’m sure you have all kinds of groupies you could be fucking right now.”

Before he could answer, a cute waitress announced herself and took drink orders. He got some kind of shake. I got water, because I’m lame. When she walked off, he said, “You don’t have to go cheap on me, Nav. I said it was my treat.”

“My stomach’s about the size of my fist. I get something too heavy, I won’t be able to get any pie. Or much else, for that matter.”

“Huh. For something as tall as yourself, I figured you’d have a bigger appetite.”

“I have a voracious appetite of a different sort. So yeah, why are you here instead of with a few groupies?”

“Because sometimes a stallion just wants some pie, voracious appetite or not. Besides, good company can be worth a few cute mares. But it’s better when that good company is also cute.”

“Well, at least I have one of those down.” The waitress came back with the drinks and asked for our orders. Because she’s a sexist pig, I got to pick first. “Celestial salad, no flowers. And a slice of whatever your best pie is, because Soarin’ will bug me all night if I don’t.” Celestial salad is just Ceasar salad, minus the brutal murder.

“You’ll love it,” he said with a smirk. The chick turned to him, so he said, “The biggest quiche you got and the rest of the pie she ordered.” She wrote it all down and walked off, making sure to swing her tail so Soarin’ could get a good look. Of course, he was back to looking at me, but I got to appreciate the view. “So yeah, how’d you get so cute?”

“I’m going to assume you’re asking how I became a chick. I pissed off a demon of chaos and he used a cursed artifact to permanently change my gender.” Because that was the reason he wanted to talk to me in the first place, I expanded on it, detailing the exact story and the circumstances and all that fun stuff.

When I finished, he leaned back and said, “Seems like you’re making the best of a bad situation, to me.”

“By avoiding as many people as possible so not many people learn I’m a chick? I’ve been looking for a way to turn back, but it’s starting to look like I’m shit outta luck.”

“Well… you can always embrace it. Start dressing nice and don’t bother hiding it. Trust me when I say that it’s a lot easier to have everything out in the open than stressing about a big secret.”

Ugh. “Sounds like personal experience.”

“It is. Let’s just say I really didn’t want to be a Wonderbolt when I was a colt.”

“...You didn’t want to be one, but here you are. How did that happen?”

“It’s… kind of a long story.”

“I told you mine. Only fair you tell me yours.” He grimaced slightly, but was saved for the moment by the arrival of food. When the sexy waitress left, though, I put the pressure back on. “You already implied it’s something others know. Ain’t gonna hurt nothin’ by telling me.”

“Alright… I’ve known Spits for a while, now. She always wanted to be a Wonderbolt, but she was afraid to go to the academy alone. I was a good friend and quick enough to get in, so she asked if I’d apply with her. Sure enough, we both made it. My first week there, I just messed around, since I didn’t really want to be there anyway. Hay, even getting in pretty much gave me a free ride to any weather job I’d want. But then we met the captain at the time, and I… kinda got a massive crush on her. All kinds of sexy, the perfect attitude, a perfect voice… Everything that could be right about her was.”

“I can’t imagine she was happy to find out.”

“I figured the same thing. After I met her, I started actually trying. It was a long, grueling period, but I thought it would be worth it when I proved myself to her.”

“Proving yourself to someone that doesn’t even know you like them isn’t really a good idea.”

“I was young. At the end of the academy session, Spits and I were the last two candidates left. We were in. Less than a day later, I learned two very important things.”

“Let me guess: She was married.”

“Not quite, but she might as well have been. The first thing I learned is that there’s a very strict no-fraternization rule in the Wonderbolts.”

“Ouch.”

“The second thing is that she was a lesbian.”

“Double ouch.”

“Who tried to seduce Spitfire while she was still in the academy and it wouldn’t be against the rules.”

“Triple ouch.”

“Who also had a crush on me the whole time.”

“Oh come on!”

“Yeah, that one was a joke. Probably. Either way, that’s how I became a Wonderbolt for all the wrong reasons.”

“...So why are you still one?”

“Contract. Or at least, the first five years were because of a contract. After that, it kinda grew on me, I guess. It’s a lot of work, but it pays well, I know it, and I get invited to all the best parties with all the best food.”

“So nothing about the love of the sport or liking competition?”

“Nah. Who cares about flying in circles? Even now, it still sometimes makes me dizzy.”

“Wow. Gotta suck, doing something you don’t really like that much.”

“Eh, it pays the bills. And the maneuvers we do are fun sometimes. It’s just the races, really. Besides, you can’t tell me you like fighting for your life.”

“There was a time I’d tell you that I hated it. But after a while, it… wormed its way into my mind. I got pretty decent at it. Fighting makes me feel… alive. I probably shouldn’t talk about killing to a pony. Not after what happened with Luna. But to a predator, that kinda stuff is what makes me tick, even if I think it’s barbaric.”

“...You don’t think it’s barbaric, do you?”

“I don’t. Killing is fun. Makes my heart start pounding in all the right ways. Coming out on top in the most basic fight there is gives you the biggest boost you could ever imagine, makes you feel strong. And there is absolutely no better feeling than when you come out of a battle the victor, unscathed. I don’t consider it wrong in the slightest.”

He looked down to what little was left of his quiche, which let me attack the pie with a small feeling of happiness digging at me. He may have wanted it to be a date, but I figured I ruined it pretty nicely.

And fuck, that pie was pretty awesome. “This is some bomb-ass pie, dude.”

“I know, right?” He pushed his main plate away and started devouring his pie with gusto, just shoving his face into the tin and eating it like a virgin trying to eat a chick out.

“Something tells me you’d like a pie eating contest.”

“They’re the best,” he said around mouthfuls. “You ever do one?”

“A few times. Perfect chance for free pie, but I don’t really play to win. If you pile that shit in too quickly, it’s hard to actually enjoy it.”

He swallowed the last bite and sat back, rubbing at his tummy. “I learned to eat fast in the dining hall. If you take too long, you won’t get to finish. Better to barely enjoy something than go hungry, especially when you need the energy.”

“True. I learned to take my time when I was starving in the Egyptian desert. Getting food was rare enough that it was worth it to take your time with it. And before that, when I was having to hunt to get meat in the Everfree, I took my time with it to savor the taste.”

“...You eat meat?”

“I like how your mind filtered out the Everfree part and where I mentioned the desert and went straight to me eating meat.”

He blinked and shrugged. “It seemed like the most pressing thing, I guess.”

“I do eat it, yes. Didn’t you notice when I said that I was a predator?”

“I was too busy thinking about eating pie.”

“Man. When my grandmother used to say the quickest way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, I thought she meant by using a knife so you bypassed the ribs. Maybe there’s something to it after all.”

“You used to be one. You should know just as well as me, right?”

“True enough. I don’t think I’ve ever really had anyone I was interested in cook for me, though.”

“Me either, actually. Though I haven’t been on many dates, which might be why.”

“Same. The dragon I dated probably couldn’t cook and Luna was too busy being a psychopath. Haven’t really dated anyone outside of those two, but the stallion I met in Appaloosa might disagree with that. I didn’t try his cooking, though.”

“You’ve really been all over the place, haven’t you?”

“Oh yeah. At this point, I’ve fought and bled on every continent except for Asia. Fought cats in Egypt, played with sheep in Israel, killed naga in the wastelands, killed a griffin assassin in Gryphus, destroyed a crime syndicate in Germany, wiped out some giant ants for the changelings, killed all kinds of weird shit in the Everfree, killed another assassin in Russia, fought an ancient evil king in the new Crystal Empire, fought giant spiders down south, and most recently fought a horde of undead at the bottom of the world. It’s been fun.”

“Ever been hurt? I don’t really see any scars.”

“Healing magic took care of all of those. I’ve been beaten to a pulp several times. Brought to the edge of death and all that. That part isn’t as much fun, trust me. Hell, I’ve lost all my feathers more than once. Now that sucks. They itch like crazy coming back out and your wings are all weird and gross-looking until they do.”

“And I bet not being able to fly wasn’t much fun, either.”

“Eh. Not having to preen was a big bonus, but getting turned on by every gentle breeze against them wasn’t fun. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem now, though. I got plenty of people willing to help me scratch that itch.”

“I imagine… And you probably have plenty of ponies willing to fly you around, too.”

“Yeah. And a dragon, though he’s currently in the Everfree.” Well, two dragons, if you count Spike.

“Oh yeah, I actually remember hearing about that! Didn’t you bring him to Canterlot?”

“Yeah. He’s a pretty chill dude. It’s actually kinda strange, for a dragon. Most of them are really volatile.”

“I noticed that at a few of the Europe parties. I do my best to avoid them, now. What about changelings?”

“About half of them are too stupid to have many feelings. The others are bred to be too obedient to get that angry. There are a few that are smarter, but not many. Griffins and cats are both dangerous and relatively volatile, though. I think it’s just the whole being a predator thing. They’re both mostly obligate carnivores, so they have the murderous mindset. I’m a full omnivore, so I’m a bit more sane.”

“Well, at least there’s that…” The waitress brought the bill, which he pushed back. “Add it to my tab.” She shrugged and took it back, then said her pointless niceties before fucking right back off. “Sometimes being famous is nice,” he said with a smile.

“Sometimes. Got any other stories you want to hear?”

“A few, if you don’t mind telling them. But I’d rather hear them outside, if you don’t mind. This suit gets really warm without fresh air blowing through it.”

“Fine with me, though I hope you have some stories of your own. Talking about myself gets boring.”

He stood, his smile growing wider. “I have a few about my time in the academy you might enjoy.”

“I think I’d like a story about the Wonderbolt Academy.” I hopped up myself and joined him as he walked to the exit. “So where are we going?”

“There’s a nice park nearby. After all that exercise with my wings, stretching my legs will feel nice.”

“Then let’s go.”

And so we went. I already know all my stories, so there’s no reason to rewrite them. His stories were mostly short, so they were hardly worth recording. I did notice that there were a strangely large amount of couples at the park, but there wasn’t really a reason to comment on it.

When I finished with the last story he wanted to hear about (the time I brought Christmas to Ponyville), he found a nice little hill to park himself on, facing the setting sun. “Comfortable?” I asked, not joining him.

“A little. Sunsets are always nice. I usually have to watch them from the academy, so it’s nice to get a ground’s eye view of it.”

“Dude, we’re on the side of a fucking mountain.”

“You know what I mean.” He patted the ground next to him. “Want to join me?” I sighed and sat next to him, though I couldn’t help but ask myself why. “You seem more like a sunrise kinda mare to me, though.”

“I’m surprised I seem like any kind of mare to you, aside from the whole having a vagina thing. And the voice, I guess.”

“And the hair,” he said, reaching back and gently tugging on my ponytail. “Not many stallions have hair this long.”

“The point is, it seems weird that you’d think of me as a chick.”

“I’m progressive,” he replied with a shrug.

Or secretly gay. “...But yes, I do prefer sunrises. The night is… no longer a friend.”

“That’s not the reason I was thinking, but it does make sense.” He finally fell silent as the sun continued to sink below the horizon. After a few minutes, he sat up a little. “It’s been a long day.”

“It’s been a long season, for me. I don’t really get to sleep in the spring or summer. Tonight’s the first night in a while when I’ll actually get to rest.”

“Because of the tree thing?”

“Because of the tree thing. Kinda looking forward to it, honestly.”

“I can imagine. When do you need to get back home?”

“Soon. I’ll lose a lot of energy after the sun goes down.”

“Huh. Well, I guess I’ll fly with you, just in case.” He started to stand.

“You don’t need to do that,” I said as I also stood.

“I don’t mind. I’m the reason you were out this late anyway. You’re staying at the palace, right?”

“Yeah. But you really don’t have to—”

“Don’t worry about it. You ready?” I sighed again and nodded. “Then let’s go.” We both spread our wings and took off. Just to be extra careful, he grabbed my hand with a hoof. I gave him a questioning glance and he just smiled.

I’m kind of an idiot.

Since he’s a world-class superstar athlete, it didn’t really take us long to get back to the palace. He insisted on walking me all the way up to the front door, of course. It’s not like I was about to collapse or anything, but I guess some people just like being careful.

Or, you know, I’m an idiot.

“I had a lot of fun today,” he said when we got as far as he was going.

“Well, you did win,” I said. “And you got to do all kinds of neat maneuvers.”

“I think you know what I meant,” he replied with a knowing smile. “We might have to do this again sometime.”

“Maybe, though I don’t know what other stories you might want to hear.”

“Oh, I’m sure we can find something to do.”

“Eh, probably…”

A small silence seeped in before he said, “Goodbye for now, then.” I started to turn to go, but he quickly hopped up and kissed me. It wasn’t a very long one, but it was enough to make me freeze in shock. Before I could recover, he had already taken off, flying away faster than I could even think to catch him.

“Have a good time… ma’am?” one of the sun guards asked with a smirk.

His smile disappeared when I kicked him in the crotch.

When I got back to my room, my mind was still reeling and I didn’t even notice Taya before I fell onto the bed with her. “So what were you up to, daddy?” she asked from next to me, making me flinch in surprise. “Celestia left a few hours ago. I thought you’d be back sooner…”

“...Taya, I think I just dated a stallion.”

She stared at me in surprise for just a few seconds before bursting into laughter.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Seven—Back to Adventure

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Seven—Back to Adventure

Right after I got out of the shower on the next day, a knock came upon the door. Since I figured it was probably just Taya (who I didn’t let stay in my room the night before because she was laughing at me), I opened it up without bothering to cover up any of my body.

The maid on the other side was definitely not expecting to get a full view of my sexy naked body, but she didn’t have any complaints. In fact, she barely gave it a cursory glance. “You have a guest, my lady.”

“Can you stop calling me that?” I sighed.

“It is only proper for a lady of your stature. And it’s quite obvious from here that you’re a lady… my lady.”

I hate you. “Ugh. Who’s my fucking guest?”

“Lady Fleur. Shall I tell her you’re on the way, or would you like me to send her here?”

Christ. What the hell does she want? No way she could have read any of those books yet; my publishers are good, but notthatgood. “Send her here, I guess. I probably have too much damage control to do to make this take longer than necessary.”

“She shall be here shortly, then.” With that, she curtsied and walked off, leaving me to close the door. After that, I set about getting dressed. No reason to give Fleur any ideas, after all.

Right when I got my shirt pulled on, a much firmer knock came upon the door. I casually opened it, already mentally preparing myself to deal with Fleur’s bullshit.

I wasn’t quite prepared for the ferocious hug that greeted me, though. “Oh Navi, you two make such a cute couple!”

“...What?”

“It’s all over the papers!” she said as she finally let me go. “You and Soarin’, out on a date!”

I blinked a few times before walking over to my sword, pulling it out, and walking toward the door. There were a few reporters that I needed to have some conversations with. Unfortunately, Fleur apparently disagreed with that notion, and used magic to gently close the door.

“Um… Nav?”

“Yes, Fleur,” I quietly answered, gripping the pommel so hard I could feel my knuckles slightly cracking.

“Was… was it supposed to be a secret…?”

“It wasn’t a date!”

“He… kissed you.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be a date! He said he wanted to talk to me about something and that we could do it over dinner! I figured it’d just be two guys shooting the shit. Then that fucker takes me to a park and tries being all romantic and shit, then flies me home and fucking kisses me! It’s not supposed to be a secret, because it wasn’t supposed to be a fucking date!”

“...Oh.” She was silent for a few seconds before slowly continuing. “So a stallion asked you out to dinner… A cute stallion like Soarin’, mind. And he asks out a wonderfully eligible bachelorette like yourself… And then takes you to a park while the sun was setting… And then flies you home while holding your paw… And you didn’t realize it was a date?”

“I… kinda had suspicions,” I sighed, walking over to the sheath and putting the sword up. Then I turned back to her, angry again. “But I didn’t expect him to be gay!”

“Nav, oh Nav…” she giggled. “You’re a mare now! Like it or not, some stallions aren’t going to think about what you used to be, only what you are now! Maybe you should start doing the same, you know. Soarin’ is quite the catch, after all.” I gave her a disturbingly flat stare. She sighed. “I can bury the news. But telling Soarin’ is your problem.”

“It won’t be a problem. The dude probably wakes up covered in bitches anyway. I doubt he’ll even bother hunting me down to ask for another date. And if he does, I’ll just say no.”

“I don’t think he has any pets, actually. Especially not dogs; they’d be hard to keep in Cloudsdale.” I fucking hate this place. “But would it really be so bad? I certainly don’t want to push you into anything, but I would like to understand.”

“I’m still looking for a way to turn back. Until I succeed or give up searching, I’m not going to get into any kind of relationship. It wouldn’t be fair on the off chance I was successful. And I have a reputation to uphold. A reputation that doesn’t paint me as gay. After what Luna did with her stupid dream bullshit, I’d rather the stallions of the world not think I’m on the market. It’s bad enough that so many mares are fine with doing stuff with me.” Although it can be fun sometimes. “If I realized beforehand that he was asking me on a date…” Thanks, Flo. “...I wouldn’t have agreed.”

“...I understand that position. Stallions can be quite demanding. So can males of other species.”

“So can the chicks. They just usually aren’t demanding sex.”

“True, I suppose. Though I know a few that would beg to differ.” We fell silent for a few moments before she sighed again. “Well, you know what always calms me down after I get upset?”

“Sex?”

“Sometimes. But I was thinking more about shopping. Shall we? My treat!”

More like Fancy’s treat. “There’s nothing I need and nothing I want. I’m still mentally a guy, so shopping for me is the opposite of therapeutic. You’ll pay one bit for a two bit item you don’t need. I’ll pay two bits for a one bit item I do need. But in general, I’d rather not have to buy anything at all.”

“Have you ever tried it in a therapeutic sense? Just browsing and picking up whatever you happen to like? True, I can’t imagine you’d find much clothing that would fit you, but there’s plenty of other stuff you could get!”

“I haven’t, but I’ve been with my mother while she did. It was miserable then and I bet it would be miserable now.”

“Well, of course it was then. You weren’t doing it for yourself! Now, we can go at your own pace and go wherever you’d like.”

“...Fleur, I’m not going shopping. It would be like taking you sparring with me. You wouldn’t enjoy fighting and I wouldn’t enjoy buying shit.”

“I might enjoy it. After all, I’ve never tried it. If I go sparring with you, will you go shopping with me?”

“I’m not going shopping. And I’m definitely not taking you sparring. I don’t want you to get hurt. Besides, don’t you have some campaigning to do? Or shouldn’t you be convincing your husband to come out?”

“He already said he would talk to his ‘friends’. And I’ve been waiting for your new books to come out before I do too much.”

“You won’t have to wait too much longer. I sent them to the publisher already.”

“Good, then I’m sure you could use a break. How shall we spend the day, Navi?”

“Shouldn’t you be burying the news about Soarin’?”

“Oh, we can do that on the way. Now, I would suggest a makeover, but it seems you already dyed your hair. And I must say, I quite like it. Orange is in this season, after all.”

Fucking fall. “That’s more a byproduct of my biology than something I did, but whatever. You know, another thing you could be doing right now is convincing more nobles not to be fucking twats. Start a book club or something with like-minded individuals and spread the wonderful news of humanity.”

“I’ve already begun that process, actually. And I’ve already spread word about your Miss Universe pageant. It seems Princess Cadance was also interested in such a concept a few months ago, but she never really pressed it. I’ll reignite that interest and ensure the concept goes places.”

“You’ve been a busy little bee, haven’t you?”

“Indeed I have, and I feel like a little break would be quite nice. Also… there appears to be a bat pony at your window.” I blinked and turned around to find that there was, in fact, one there.

Since Smiles (probably) wouldn’t be bothering me if it wasn’t important, I sighed and walked over to open it for him. “Message from Ice, sir,” he said, gripping the window seal with his front two hooves to hold himself steady. “The others are free and they’re all heading back to the city to talk, now. He’s thinking they’ll be here within two days.”

“Good. Better than good. Spread the word, starting with Gourd. If you can find Watcher, even better. I want everyone but the elements of harmony back in Canterlot at the very least and ready to go within that time frame. I’ll deal with Spike tomorrow.”

“Yes sir. It’ll be good to be in the air again.” He went silent for a second before reminding me why he’s annoying. “So how was your date?”

I slammed the window shut and turned back to Fleur. “I need to make preparations to leave. There’s a lot that needs to be done and not too much time in which to do it. If I survive, we might hang out when I come back. If not…” I shrugged. “These things happen.”

“Leaving so soon? It feels like you just got back!”

Feels like it’s been months, to me. “I go when and where I’m needed. I certainly wasn’t planning on being gone before Celestia gets back, though it might be for the best after what happened with Soarin’.”

“You know, he might be willing to go with you…”

“But I wouldn’t be willing to take him. He’s not a soldier and we have enough fast fliers. Just another mouth to feed. And also, I’m not dating him. Christ, we didn’t even have sex!”

“...Have you ever actually been with a stallion?”

“Yes. The flares hurt. Was with a dog once, but the knot sucked. Been with a dragon, and holy shit is their cum hot. I heard cats and griffins had spikes on their dick, so I’ll pass on them.”

“Strange. I heard griffins had knots like dogs. I’ve never actually seen one’s… pride and joy, so I can’t say.”

“Well, with the body of a large cat, I figured they’d be hung like a large cat, which have dicks about the size of my thumb. But talking about dicks isn’t something I really wanted to do today. I need to take Taya running and then get ready to go.”

“You know, I don’t think you’ve ever really introduced me to her…”

“She probably doesn’t like you. She seems incapable of treating old enemies like new friends, and heard me talking all manner of unpleasantness about you. It probably ain’t such a good idea to try to meet her just yet.”

“If you try to shelter her away from anypony she might not like, she’ll find herself having very few friends. Or at least, that’s how it would seem to me.”

“Alright, fine.” Maybe she can make you take a hint. “She probably isn’t awake yet, but that’s easy enough to fix. Although truth be told, I’m also surprised you’re awake this early. Isn’t it, like, barely past dawn?”

“The early pony gets the crispest hay,” she replied with a shrug. “But if she’s still asleep, I suppose you should let her continue to rest. Fillies and colts need plenty of sleep, after all.” She sighed and seemed to sag a little. “And I was hoping for such a nice day, too… Well, up until the party tonight, at least.”

“That’s tonight?”

“Indeed it is. Did you truly read none of the invitations I sent?”

“Not really, no. You know, tonight might be a good time for you to scout out more people interested in change. Find more stallions interested in the gay stuff or mares interested in the lesbo stuff. I imagine finding freethinkers would be harder, though.”

“I have my eye on more than a few already. I’ve been watching mares and stallions both for years now, trying to find secrets and weaknesses for all the wrong reasons. It will be nice to finally use them for good causes.”

“Just make sure it is a good cause. A lot of the bottomfeeders in Canterlot will latch onto anything someone more popular starts doing. You might think you have a decent and good movement started only for it to swerve and lose momentum when something more popular comes around. Or worse, when Celestia takes note and starts playing games.”

“The thought has come to my mind, yes. My plan was to establish a strong base of just a few upper elite that’ll stay the course, then slowly branch out to make sure all those we have converted are coming to us for the right reasons. It might eventually snowball out, but hopefully by the time it does, all of the highest ranking members of the elite will be with us for the right reasons.”

And there was a time I thought you were just a slutty trophy wife. “You’ve definitely thought this through. Gotta admit, I’m kinda impressed.”

She smiled. “I’m glad to see you approve. If you would like to be there when I have the first book club, it’ll be today, before the party. My plan was to see who might be interested in a revolution of the mind and have them scout the party with me.”

“I would, but preparing a ship full of mercs takes a lot of work, especially with just two days to work with.”

“If it’s anything like organizing a large house for a party, I imagine it would be quite time-consuming… If there is any way I can assist, I would be all too happy to help.”

I was getting to the point where I wanted to just tell her to fuck off, but I finally thought of something. “...How do you feel about spiders? And cats?”

“I quite like cute little kitties. But I’m not so much a fan of spiders. Why?”

“I promised two of my crew members a tour of Canterlot, but I’ve been too busy to deliver on that. One’s a cat and one’s a giant spider. If you’re really bored, you can show them around. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a lot in common with Katrina, too.”

“That would certainly be… interesting. Um. How giant is giant?”

“About the size of a normal filly, I guess. He’s still pretty young.”

“Well, I suppose that’s certainly something I could help you with. Where are they?”

“Two rooms down. Just tell ‘em I sent you. Oh, and don’t worry about the spider’s venom. It just makes you really, really sensitive.”

“Um. As in, anything that touches you feels magnified?”

“Yeah. The one time I was hit by it, I almost came just from the wind.”

“Hm. I’ll be happy to help you, Nav.” Her horn lit up and she pulled me into her for yet another hug. “Hopefully I’ll see you again before you leave, but in case I don’t, goodbye for now. And thank you for giving me a chance.”

“I do what I can,” I said, returning the hug. “And I’ll definitely miss you.” Probably not, actually. When she finally let go, I said, “And don’t forget to talk to your reporter friends about Soarin’. I’d like that little thing swept under the rug quickly.”

“I rather doubt it’ll be forgotten that quickly, but it might be possible to have it stop being reported. Also, might I suggest not bringing a sword with you the next time you want to speak with the media? It might do your reputation with them some good.”

“Fear is powerful.”

“And hate is dangerous when your reputation is key. But I suppose I can train you on proper court rituals when you return. Should you start living here, knowing how to live here is useful, even if you very rarely choose to demonstrate the proper mannerisms.”

“That certainly gives me something to look forward to,” I sarcastically replied.

“It’s definitely not all it’s advertised to be,” she sighed. “But every life has its hardships, it seems, even if they’re more like tests of tolerance than hard work. Now, I should get the tour started quickly if they want to see everything in time for my meetings. I shall hopefully see you again soon, Navarone.”

“Same to you, Fleur. See you when I see you.”

And just like that, she was back out and I could relax. Never thought I’d be so happy to see Smiles.

“You’re lucky he came by when he did. I was just about to help you agree to spend some time with her.”

“Why do you hate me, Flo?”

“Because you’re cute when you’re suffering. But just think: In a few short days, I’ll be able to make you suffer in person!”

“I bet you’re looking forward to it, too.”

“I’m definitely looking forward to being free again. Making you suffer is just a fun side benefit. I’m making myself wet just thinking about all the hugs I’m going to give you.”

“Slut. So what should I do now that I’m finally leaving soon and Celestia’s not here?”

“Paint something for Midnight.”

“...Forgot about that. Might as well go ahead and get started before Taya wakes up.”

“Set up the painting supplies. I’ll take over when you’re ready.” After doing it a few times, setting up didn’t take much time. Flo started her next masterpiece moments later.

“So what are you painting this time?”

“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”

“If it’s a portrait of her, she’ll probably kick me.”

“I’m aware. And yes, I know she also wouldn’t find a picture of Dracula funny.”

“If I knew how to sew, I’d give her the Count and let him teach her numbers. Oh, maybe I should write the Twilight series for her!”

“If you wrote those books, you’d probably give mare-heavy towns like Ponyville a collective orgasm. Especially the ones that have things for predators. Also, Twilight might kill you for ruining her good name with such trash.”

“...I’ll get started on them as soon as you finish the painting.”

She didn’t waste any more time.

Taya was happy to hear the news. I wasn’t the only one tired of being in Canterlot, but at least I had a good reason for it. She was less happy about still having to run, though. I also wasn’t too happy about having to eat, but I got over it.

While I was back to painting, another bat horse came up to my window. Taya noticed him this time and let him in. “Watcher wants to know your plans for the elements of harmony, sir,” the soldier said.

“I’m planning on leaving them here for now. We can pick them up after we come back from the changeling hive. Chrysalis already said she doesn’t want too many people knowing where the main hive is and she hates Twilight, so I’ll just save us the trouble and leave them. I’m also gonna talk to Celestia about leaving them when we head to Africa, but I’m pretty sure she’s gonna make them come with us no matter what.”

“And the naga?”

“Gonna pick him up on the way to the hive. Probably do the same for Spike, too. They’re both on the way.”

“Have you sent a message to let Chrysalis know we were coming?”

“Celestia made me send her a letter a few days ago. I told her then, though I didn’t say why. I’d rather her not know.”

“Good. He also said you can’t take your boyfriend with us.”

“When you get back to the ship, smack him upside the head. If he gets upset, tell him I said it was okay.”

“Yes sir. Any other orders?”

“If he hasn’t already, tell Watcher to dig up any maps he can find of the rest of the world. There’s no telling where the hell we might end up, and I’d rather not unknowingly find a large undead menace waiting for us next time. Africa’s the next definite goal, though.”

“That’s part of what he’s been spending his time doing. He says we should be fine unless we plan on doing something stupid, like going into Tartarus.”

“Welp, thanks for jinxing us, dick. Might as well tell him to go ahead and start looking for maps of that place, too.”

“He said it, not me,” he defensively replied.

“Yeah, yeah. I ain’t got no other orders, though. I’ll probably start moving back to the ship tomorrow. Until then, the palace has much nicer beds and mares that don’t get too angry when you flirt with them.”

He smirked. “The ones on the ship don’t mind, if you’re a handsome stallion.”

“If you can bed Rainbow Dash, I’ll be impressed. Until then, keep your good luck to yourself.”

“Yes sir. You mind leaving your window open, in case Watcher has any other messages?”

“Yeah. It’s a nice enough day out anyway. Just announce yourself when you get here, in case we zone out or whatever.”

“Yes sir. See you later.” I nodded and he hopped back out to fly to the ship.

“He is kinda handsome…” Taya quietly said.

“Man, all those damn guards look almost exactly the same. To me, anyway. I guess if you’re also a horse, you can see more differences. Whatever.”

Before I could go back to painting, Taya asked, “So what is that, anyway?”

“I dunno. Flo’s being all mysterious. It’ll be a gift for a friend, though, so I know she won’t make it too bad.”

“Is it a friend I know?”

“You’ve met her once. She’s the captain of the night guard.”

“Oh yeah, the lady with the fangs. She looked kinda funny.”

“She sure doesn’t tell many jokes. She’s really adorable, though. Not quite as cute as you, but she tries.”

“...I somehow doubt she really tries that hard.”

“She doesn’t. She just gets flustered when I tell her and it’s funny.”

“Some day, someone’s gonna find a way to get you flustered and they’re going to use it on you all the time. Normally, I’d be upset that someone’s messing with my daddy, but I might just sit back and watch.”

“As long as you’re as cute then as you are now, I’ll find a way to get through.” She rolled her eyes and let me finally get back to painting.

Celestia got back to the palace not too long before dinner. Of course, I didn’t actually know about that until she sent one of her slaves to me with an invite to supper. Taya was finally back in her room doing whatever girls do in their free time, like lighting farts or whatever, so I went alone.

When I got there, Celestia and Twilight were having some kind of talk about where the ghosts came from that they quickly stopped discussing when they saw me. “There’s no need to censor yourself for my benefit,” I said as I eased myself into the chair opposite Twilight. “Hell, I’m interested in anything you can tell me about that bunker.”

“Don’t you worry about it, Nav,” Celestia warmly said with her typical smile. “We took care of the ones down south. Hopefully that’ll be the end of them.”

“The ones here, maybe. What about elsewhere?”

“If any others come into Equestria, I’ll take care of them,” Celestia very diplomatically replied. Note how she specified that it had to be in Equestria. “Did anything interesting happen while we were away?”

“I accidentally went on a date with a stallion. And the elementals are done, so we’ll probably be leaving soon.”

“Aqua told me about that,” Twilight said with a nod. “She did not mention your… date. How do you accidentally date somebody?”

“I’m an idiot and Flo’s a jerk. After Celestia abandoned me, Soarin’ said he wanted to talk about how I got turned into a chick, and asked if we could do it over dinner. I didn’t realize he was asking me out on a date until we were already eating.”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you got to date a stallion before I did…”

“Did you have fun, at least?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, actually. He was nice and we both had interesting stories to tell. The food was also pretty good. And surprise surprise, he wasn’t actually all that interested in sex. I just wish he had realized it wasn’t supposed to actually be a date. But you know, whatevs.”

“You seem a lot more casual about it than I thought you’d be, given your previous attempts to hold onto your reputation,” Celestia said.

“Eh. It is what it is. Sucks, but you know, whatever. I’m leaving in two or so days now, so I’m perfectly content to not give a fuck. Well, as long as he doesn’t come back hoping for another date. Then we might have some problems.”

“If you had fun, maybe you should go on another,” Twilight said. “Nothing really wrong with that, after all. Even if you were still a male, you know nopony in Equestria really cares about sexuality. Rarity told me about Braeburn, so I don’t really see a problem here.”

“The problem is that fuck you, Twilight,” I said, flipping her off. “Anyway, how did expelling the ghosts go?”

“Fairly well,” Celestia replied.

“Except for the part where they were screaming your name,” Twilight casually replied. Celestia very slowly turned her head from me to Twilight. “What? I already told you I wasn’t going to lie to him. I’m not going to risk us missing one and it finding him unprepared.”

“...They were screaming my name?” I slowly asked.

Celestia sighed. “They were. And they were saying a number of things in a dead language that we understood after casting the translation spell. The undead in the south are not pleased that you escaped their grasp.” She fell silent up until I started to ask a question, then quietly continued, “I would go so far as to say you would be better off dead than falling into their hooves again.”

“Being dead might well put myself in their hands. I think whoever you sent to deal with them fucked up. I definitely would have preferred them down there not doing anything to roaming around the world looking for me.”

“Well, the ones we encountered certainly won’t be doing any more looking,” Celestia said. “Now, I think Twilight and I have gone long enough without any good food.” Her horn lit up and a hidden bell rang, followed by servants bringing in food. For better or worse, that killed all discussion until we finished eating.

After, though… “So what’s the plan for getting Flo?” Twilight asked.

“Since Chrysalis hates you and your friends, I’m leaving you guys here,” I said. “I’ll pick Spike and the naga up on the way. She should already know we’re coming, but I’ll be stopping over Appaloosa first and sending a scout in to get permission.”

“Don’t they dislike you?” Twilight asked.

“I never said I’d be going down there. It just happens to be the closest pony town to the hive. A place I can leave some people if Chrysalis doesn’t want everyone to know where her base is.”

“And if she decides not to help you?” Celestia asked.

“Then things get harder. But not impossible. Flo is about a kilometer or two away from the hive. All we really have to do to get her is dig down. Starting underground would save us time, but even if Chrysalis goes full bitch on us, we can still get Flo. I don’t anticipate that being a problem, though.”

“She might not lend assistance, but I doubt she would stop you,” Celestia said. “It sounds like you have a good plan.”

“I hope so. Now, there’s something else I wanted to discuss. Twilight’s friends.”

“You don’t want them on your ship,” Celestia said with a nod.

“I don’t, no. And I’m pretty sure Twilight can back me up on why.”

Twilight sighed. “You are right… in some respects. A few of my friends are… not good at taking orders and doing things conventionally… or the way you’d prefer. But we do need to be there, Nav. And I would like to think that I, at least, have proven my worth. I know Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash have as well. I imagine that, should we stay on your ship, Fluttershy and Pinkie will also both prove themselves.”

“Oh, I’m sure they might,” I said. “But until they do, they’re a drain on resources and my nerves. Yeah, I know you’re really useful. I’m talking about your friends, not you. Applejack and Dash are training with the soldiers, which is good. And yeah, Rarity’s been useful with clothing and cooking. But we could do without them and we can definitely do without Fluttershy and Pinkie. I got a feeling the road’s only going to get more dangerous, and keeping them all safe is going to be more trouble than it’s worth. So far, I’m the one that’s found the only elements of harmony we’ve seen. So tell me again why you guys are on board.”

“Because you can’t use them,” Twilight said. “We can. And so far, those are the only things we know of that can stop Discord.”

“Stop him, not kill him,” I shot back. “We can keep him in stone until the sun blows up, but that ain’t killing his ass. I want that motherfucker dead more than he wants to die, and I figure he probably wants to die pretty hard. You can use them fancy stones on him all you want, but it ain’t gonna do me no damn good.”

“They also worked on Nightmare Moon,” Twilight said. “And I have a feeling you’re going to run into more than a few evil beings on the trip. If nothing else, they might work on a fire elemental, if one proves to be too recalcitrant to help us.”

“We gotta find them all first, and ain’t none of you done that yet.”

“Because you don’t let us off the ship much or really use any of us. We’ve only even found two anyway. We couldn’t have found one of them, because the bunker only opened for you. The other was with the spiders, and you refused to take any of us.”

“Which was my bad, I’ll admit. You woulda been pretty useful with your teleportation shit. But Kat and Doppel were more important at the time, and we didn’t want to bring too many people. Especially not a colorful purple one that’s been known to attack people in underground cities.”

“Wha… That was one time! And you saw what those changelings were doing!”

“Yeah, yeah. The point remains, none of y’all are probably ever gonna be useful enough for me to bring when I’d have a chance at finding one of those necklaces. And even if you are, why bring one of you when I have someone that can probably do the job better? You’re the only one that’s really irreplaceable. I need a hard-hitter, I got five earth pony soldiers. I need a fast flier, I got Gilda. I need fine magic control, I got several very well-trained unicorns. I need to deal with an animal, I got several well-trained unicorns that can blow it up. I can’t imagine I’ll ever need to plan a bloody party.”

“And if you do?”

“Then congratulations, you found the one possible reason I might ever really need one of your friends. But I reckon I could figure something out. Flo has pretty much every piece of human knowledge in her head right now. Kat’s very familiar with the court life. And if all else fails, Celestia’s just a dragon-fire message away.”

“What about Aerie? Don’t you think she would be upset to leave her host behind?”

“Probably not. Airs are about getting new experiences. Being in Pinkie’s head in Ponyville and on the boat at the same time gives her more to work with. And I got Ice in Smiles and Flo in me, so we don’t really need you to talk with the others. But again, this ain’t about you. You’re perfectly welcome. It’s the others I don’t want on board.”

Celestia finally spoke up. “That’s a shame, because I’m afraid they’re staying. I asked you to allow them there for more than one reason. The elements of harmony represent all of Equestria, Navarone.”

“This isn’t an Equestrian mission.”

“It’s a pony ship with a pony crew doing a job that benefits all ponykind. It’s not specifically an Equestrian mission, but it’s a job that very heavily overlaps with our interests. I’d be a fool not to send representatives of my own with you. And those six girls need experience of the world, Nav. I’d rather them get it with your crew than on their own.”

“Why the hell do they need that? They live in Ponyville. That place is hella sheltered, constant disasters or not.”

“Twilight and her friends have the most powerful weapons in the world. I will not always be able to tell them when they should or should not use them. They need to learn what true evil is and how to recognize it so they will know when their weapons should be unleashed. Some evils can be fought or saved without utilizing such dangerous tools, and they need to learn when and how to do so.”

“So we’re babysitters.”

“...I prefer the word teachers.”

“Yes, I’m sure you would. It’s pretty obvious Discord wants them on our boat as well, else he wouldn’t have hidden the elements in the first place. Why give that bastard what he wants?”

“Because what he wants happens to coincide with what I need,” she answered. “And what you need, like it or not. A few thousand years of experience tells me that you’ll probably have a need for them before your trip is over. Even if it is just for more friendly companionship than what you’d get from your soldiers. You can’t tell me they haven’t already livened up the trip.”

“We’re perfectly capable of keeping ourselves entertained.” Though I have to admit, having them there did add some much-needed life to the place. Especially Pinkie, as much as I hated to say it.

“Entertained, perhaps. But there is more to being healthy than being physically well, Navarone. As much as you probably hate to think it, you are not a soldier. You need comfort, and no one else on board is able to truly provide it. Doppel gives you a bandaid. Taya, a balm. The naga and Spike give placebos. Your friends… the elements of harmony… give you healing. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“I’m perfectly okay with being unhealthy. I’d rather not risk their lives or the lives of my crew dealing with them. And hell, most of them don’t want to be there anyway. Applejack’s all kinds of pissed about it.”

“I had a conversation with her,” Celestia said. “In fact, I had a talk with all of them. I’ll have another talk with them before you leave, to make sure they don’t give you any trouble. As much as I hate tethering them to such rules, I know it’ll make things easier for you and your soldiers.”

“It would be even easier without them there.”

“Unfortunately, I’m afraid that’s not a choice.”

“...We could always refuse to take them.”

“Just the same as I could refuse to let you return to Equestria. But I’d rather not have to do that, and I think there are many ponies that would prefer you here.”

“Man, why do you have to be such a bitch about this?”

“Eh. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover.”

“More like a child.”

“Closer to a mother.”

“You’re a damned sinner.”

“I’d say saint. I know I don’t feel ashamed.”

“You’re my hell.”

“You know I’m your dream.”

“Tch. Nothing in between.”

She smiled quite sweetly. “You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“You’re lucky you’re too much fun to have sex with or I’d just leave them here and take the damn consequences.”

“At least I have one redeeming quality, dear.”

“Bah. I have a painting to finish. Anything else I need to know about the ghosts?”

“You already know more than I’d like,” Celestia said. “I don’t believe there’s any more you need to know.”

“What about stuff I’d like to know?”

“If you like knowing they’re after you, you’re crazier than I thought,” Celestia replied with a small smirk.

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Now, I reckon I’ll see you two later. Gotta get this thing done before morning.”

“Good luck, with your hair like that,” Twilight said.

“Flo can control me in my sleep and Taya can give me a small boost to keep me going. I’ll be fine.” I finally pushed myself back from the table and stood. “I’m sure I’ll see you both tomorrow, unless you want a midnight snack.”

They both said their goodnights or whatever and I wandered off, heading back to my room. Surprisingly enough, it was empty. I figured there would be someone waiting to bother me about who knows what, but I got off easy. Thankfully, it let Flo work on the painting in peace. It was at the point where I could finally tell what it was a painting of: a large field of flowers under a night sky with a full moon shining brightly above it. If Blossom didn’t like it, I figured it would at least fetch a pretty penny.

Aside from Taya stopping in to say good night and give me a nice energy boost, I was left alone that night. It let me finish the painting at around three in the morning, so I was perfectly happy about that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just immediately move it because it really needed to dry. So I policed dreams for about an hour until it was ready.

Finally, I carefully wrapped the thing up in Vinyl’s curtains and started carrying it to the guard barracks in the palace. I didn’t actually know where her office was, but I figured about half the guards would be willing to help me. More, if I was willing to show a little leg.

Sure enough, one of the nice batponies was very willing to show me right to her office. Unfortunately, he refused to see any leg. But gays are perfectly accepted in Equestria, so I knew I couldn’t get upset with him for it.

Of course, Blossom wasn’t in her office. From the stories I’d heard about her, I don’t think she spent much time in there at all. She was more proactive, out looking for crooks and whatnot herself, or inspecting the troops.

So I leaned the painting up against her surprisingly ornate desk and wrote her a quick note. Nothing too fancy, just explaining that I was leaving her a going-away gift and that she was hella cute and yadda yadda. You know, the basics.

Of course, it’s pretty hard for me to have nice things. As soon as I turned around, I jumped back in surprise, because she was standing at the door in her full armor. “One of my guards said you were looking for me,” she said, not moving. “Did you need something?”

“I was just dropping something off,” I said. “Now that it’s here, I’ll get out of your hair. I know you’re busy, after all…”

Her predatory eyes flicked to the painting for a moment before looking back at me. “And what did you bring me?”

“A goodbye present. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” I started awkwardly walking to the door, but she stepped in and kicked the door shut behind her.

“It’ll just take a second to unwrap it. And if you were trying to get in and out quickly and quietly, I’m sure it’s something that I’ll be upset about. Let’s do this the easy way so I won’t have to hunt you down.”

“The joke’s on you. If you start spanking me, I’ll get excited and cum.”

“Pervert.” She walked up to the painting and poked gently at the covering. “A painting? Let me guess: It’s an erotic picture of me and Celestia?”

“Oh damn, that would have been a pretty good idea… Wish I had thought of that.”

She snorted and pulled the covering back. When she saw the scene beneath it, she blinked in surprise. Of course, she wasted no more time uncovering the rest of the masterpiece. “This is… beautiful.”

“I like your suggestion better, though. Want me to take that one back and paint you with Celestia?”

She turned back to me with what looked like a genuine smile. “I can’t believe you painted this.”

“Believe it or not,” I said with a shrug. “It’s yours, either way.”

“I don’t really have anywhere to hang it, aside from above my coffin…”

“What about in here? The walls are pretty bare. Might as well add some life to the place.”

“When I was a lower-ranking officer, I was told that I should make my office similar to myself. I’m lifeless, so I thought my office should be as well.”

“You may be dead, but I wouldn’t say you’re lifeless. You got plenty of troops that like and respect you, a good position with good benefits, all the blood you could drink, the sexiest human in Equestria as a friend, and the best anti-aging solution ever. You just gotta look on the bright side of life… Or unlife, I guess.”

“It’s hard to see the bright side when I can never feel the sun’s warmth again. Or when I remember that I live a forsaken, loveless life. Or when I look in a mirror and see only my empty armor staring back at me.”

“It means you never have to wear sunglasses or worry about a sunburn. And you don’t need to worry about dating creeps or having your heart broken. And there’s no need to ever be self-conscious, because you can’t see yourself anyway.”

“You’re horrible at this.”

“Yeah, but at least someone likes you enough to try. That’s a sign that you aren’t as lifeless as you’d like to think. It may not be a life you particularly wanted, but it’s the one you have. Might as well make the best of it. But I’m not here to talk philosophy, just deliver a gift. It would look nice behind your chair, up on the wall.”

“Thank you, Navarone. It… means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome. I figured you would like a painting, after what you said. Now, do you need blood before I go to bed?”

“No. You can’t give me more just yet anyway. After what I… You need more time to recover, even if you don’t think you do.”

“Eh, it wouldn’t be as much fun with my period over anyway. I’ll see you later, Blossom.”

“You said this was a goodbye present. Where are you going?”

“Back on my ship, pretty soon. It’s time for my journey to begin again.”

She nodded and shot toward me, pulling me into a hug before I could even try to react. Her armor shielded me from her fairly cold body, so returning the hug didn’t feel too weird. “Things will certainly be less interesting without you around,” she said.

“That’s not always a bad thing.”

“It will be this time…”

“...Are you saying you’ll miss me?”

“Yes, I’m going to miss you.” She finally pulled away from the hug. “It’s been a long time since I had somebody I could call… friend.”

“Well if you want, we can hang out when I get back. I’m sure we can find something to do at night. I’ll even keep the flirting at a minimum.” Certainly more fun than hanging out with Fleur.

“That’s something to think about. Goodbye until then, Nav. May the shrouds of darkness keep you safe.”

“Creepy. See you later, Blossom.” I finally turned to go and she let me leave. Before I rounded the corner out, I took one last quick look behind to see that she was looking at the painting, a small smile on her face. I think you did good, Flo. She didn’t reply, but I felt a nice warmth in my mind.

The next morning was a late one, because Flo figured it would probably be good to recuperate all the energy I lost by staying up so late. It gave me extra time to give all the changelings wet dreams about Luna, so I didn’t complain.

When I finally did wake up, it was to Taya sitting on my stomach and staring down at me. “Finally awake, daddy?”

“Yeah, finally awake,” I yawned. “You need something?”

“I don’t, but he does.” She looked to her left, where Watcher was sitting there, reading one of the manuscripts I hadn’t sent off yet. Well, I assume that’s what he was doing before Taya said something. Then he looked up.

“Finally awake, sir?” he asked when he saw me looking.

“Yeah. What do you need?”

“Did you speak to the princess about the elements of harmony?”

“Yeah. She told me to eat a dick, essentially.”

“Unsurprising. She isn’t in the habit of changing her mind. At least we don’t have to take them to deal with Chrysalis. Will you need assistance getting all of your things back to the ship?”

“Taya can probably teleport all the stuff we have up there. Getting herself that far might be more difficult, but we can just walk to it and let her climb the ladder, if needed.”

“Excellent. I don’t suggest trying to paint on board, sir. The fumes might get to you.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Seems like my books have an unexpected audience anyway, so I’ve been writing more of those. It’s fun to tweak Celestia’s cute little nose, after all.”

“There are times I wonder about you. Smiles says the elementals should be on the coast some time tomorrow morning. We could probably have them come down a river straight to us, if you want.”

“I don’t. I’d rather not have them too close to Canterlot for too long, personally. The less time Celestia can spend around them, the better. For now, at least.”

“...Very well. Then I suggest being on the ship tonight, since I know you’ll be sleeping again. Or if you’d really prefer, we can send a skeleton crew to pick them up and have them come back to get us.”

“Honestly, I want to get out of here. I’m tired of being in Canterlot. I doubt we’ll need many people in the hive, though. If anyone wants to stay here, they’re welcome to do so, as long as we don’t need them to dig or whatever. We’ll be swinging back to pick up the girls anyway, so we can grab everyone else at the same time.”

“I’ll spread the word. I imagine a lot of my troops want to see a hive, though. We’ve been to many strange and magnificent locations, but never a changeling hive.”

“This one definitely has a strange beauty to it, but Chrysalis might not want too many people knowing where it is. And if she does let you in, I don’t want anyone near the food halls for any reason. They’re… horrifying.”

“I’ll make sure of that.”

“And hopefully giant ants won’t attack this time.”

“That would certainly be inconvenient. Do you have any other orders?”

“Nah. I’ll hopefully be back on the ship before night falls. Well, unless Celestia decides to molest me, of course.”

“Of course. I’ll see you tonight, sir.” He walked on out, leaving me and Taya to ourselves.

“So why are you still sitting on me?” I asked.

“You’re warm and kinda comfortable.”

“As bony as I am, I doubt that. Anyway, hop up. Time for you to go running.”

“...I don’t think I want to move, now.”

I quickly rolled over, dislodging her and sending her to the floor. Luckily for her, she rolled over mid-air and landed on her hooves. “Let me just get dressed and we can go running.”

“Daddy, why do you like torturing me?”

“Because you’re cute when you’re suffering.”

“I thought you said I was always cute.”

“I did. You are. That means you’re also cute while suffering.” I pulled myself out from under the blankets and started throwing clothes on relatively quickly. “Anywhere in particular you want to run?” I asked.

“Into bed. Is that a choice?”

“Nope. I would suggest the guard training area, but the day guards own it now and they’re all dicks. We could hit up the maze or find a park in the city.”

“Can’t we just call today a lazy day?”

“Nope. It’s gonna be hard to run on the ship, so we’ll have to get you going while we can. The maze would be hard with all its corners and shit, so let’s hit a park.”

“Daddy, why do you say so many bad words?”

“Because I had poor home training.” And also I’m a terrible person. “Let’s go.”

And so we went. The streets weren’t all that crowded, thankfully, and I didn’t see a single reporter. It seemed that having friends in high places was definitely worthwhile. Or maybe they either all got better at hiding or realized trying to interview me was a bad idea.

Since I don’t really get out all that much, I only knew where one park was, which happened to be the park where Soarin’ dragged me. It was nice enough, large and open, with plenty of places to run, so I figured it didn’t matter all that much. I know Taya didn’t care, since she was too busy hating the world and everything in it.

...I quickly started feeling that same hate when a familiar blue stallion landed next to me while we were running. “Hey Nav,” Soarin’ said, falling in step next to me.

“Hi,” I somewhat coldly replied.

“Didn’t figure I’d see you out here again.”

“Gotta take my daughter running somewhere.”

“Huh. Didn’t know you had a foal.” He looked back to see Taya laboring to keep up. “Shouldn’t she be in school?”

“Yeah, probably. But we travel a lot, so I figured home school would be easier.”

“Well, you’re a pretty smart mare, so I guess that works out.” I didn’t reply. “Say, you doing anything tonight?”

My feet unconsciously started moving slightly faster. They both matched my pace. “Yeah. Leaving Canterlot.”

“Oh. Heading back to Ponyville?”

“Nope. Heading out to Appaloosa on my ship. Gotta visit the changeling hive.”

“Ah. When are you coming back?” Once again, I started moving a little faster. Taya grunted, but they both followed.

“For more than a few hours? Dunno. Our little vacation’s over and we’re heading back into the world.”

“Huh. Well, are you doing anything up until you leave?” He was starting to breathe a lot heavier and Taya was starting to lag behind.

“Gotta pack and get my stuff moved. Also have to say some goodbyes and make sure all my crew’s settled. I was just taking Taya out for a run before I got started with that.”

“You’re definitely… good at that.”

“Having trouble keeping up, there? I thought you were an athlete.”

“I’m a flier, not a runner…”

I rolled my eyes and slowed to a stop. “Taya, keep walking. You know what happens if you stop moving after running.” Actually, she didn’t. I didn’t either, but I heard it was bad for you. She groaned and kept going, though at a very reduced speed and she tried to act as dramatic as possible to garner sympathy.

“I’m surprised you can run like that,” Soarin’ said.

“I’m surprised you can’t, flier or not. I figured Spitfire would have you guys in all kinds of good shape.”

“You learn how to shirk really well once you’ve been doing this a few years. That’s actually why I was out here in the first place.”

“And here I was, thinking you were out hunting for me.”

“Nope. But you can keep thinking that, if you want. I’m sure that’s how the reporters will spin it, if there are any watching.”

“They sure like their fucking tabloids, if what I’ve heard is any indication. Thankfully, I have friends in high places. I doubt they’ll report about it again. And with no new material to work with, it shouldn’t matter anyway.”

“I’m used to having weird things said all about me. Figured you were too, but not like… that.”

“It ain’t the first time they’ve done their best to rub my name in the dirt. Pretty sure it ain’t gonna be the last, either. Maybe next time I’ll give them a good reason.”

“As long as you’re careful. Reporter or not, I don’t want you to actually hurt anypony.”

“I’m not in the habit of attacking those that don’t deserve it.” That said, reporters usually deserve it. Or at least, the ones that hound me. “Unless they ask, at least. It’s amazing the amount of people into BDSM I’ve run into.”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“Maybe if you ask real nice, I’ll show you when I get back. Don’t worry, it’s a good kind of pain.”

“I didn’t know there was a good kind of pain.”

“You’d be surprised. Now, you need anything before we head back to the palace?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind flying…” His eyes darted to Taya for a moment. “Er, walking you back. Gotta shirk somehow, and Spits would prefer hearing I was with you than that I was just in the park.”

“Alright, whatevs. But don’t expect a goodbye kiss this time. I had to kick a guard in the dick to make him stop laughing at me.”

“...You assaulted a guard?”

“Ain’t the first time. Let’s go.”

We collected Taya on the way to the park exit. She, of course, greeted the presence of our partially unwanted guest with the same casual apathy she displayed for almost everything else. For his part, he did his best to engage her and break that apathy.

When he realized what a futile effort it was, he asked, “So uh… when did you assault a guard?”

“I think the first time was right after Luna went full crazy and stabbed me with her horn. They tried to stop me from seeing Celestia, so I kicked their asses and went in anyway.”

“...While you were bleeding?”

“No, she stabbed me in a dream world thing. I felt all the pain, but nothing actually happened to my body. Those same guards actually tried to stop me again later, but then they realized what would happen and decided to do things the easy way.”

“I didn’t realize you were so… tough.”

“Dude, I was a royal knight. They don’t give that position away to just anyone. I’m also a royal savior or whatever and the defender of harmony. It also helps that a good chunk of the royal guards are honestly just for show and aren’t good at fighting or war. And, you know, you guys are a prey race and I’m a predator.”

“I don’t know how I keep forgetting that.”

“It’s because he’s too nice,” Taya said.

“Or because I’m cute and cuddly,” Flo said through my mouth, because it’s her job to make me suffer.

Soarin’ snorted. “We haven’t cuddled yet, so that probably isn’t it. Can’t deny the cute part, though. I bet you find a lot of mares, and probably a few stallions, that like the whole predator thing.”

“Dude, you don’t even know,” I sighed, my mind going to the big white horse waiting for me at the palace. And then my mind took a darker turn. “And of course, there are those that like to tame big strong predators, too.”

“Which do you prefer?”

“The ones that don’t stab me in the chest with a horn.”

“...I can understand that.”

“Of course, other predators playing with me can also be fun. Dragons and griffins, mainly. Avoid cats like the fucking plague.”

“I’ve been with a griffin before. It was an… interesting experience. Not the first time I’ve done it in the air, but it was the first and only time when I was dressed like a mare.”

“...It was a chick, right?”

“Oh yeah. She wanted to use a strap-on, but I absolutely refused.”

“Huh. Well, I still haven’t technically joined the mile high club, but I did do it a few times on a cloud.”

“Most pegasi I know say that doesn’t count, since they usually live in the clouds anyway. But if you’re interested—”

“I’m really not,” I hastily interjected.

He shrugged. “Just saying. I know both stallions and mares that are really good at it. Gives them a nice thrill. Especially with earth ponies, since they’re totally dependent on us.”

“Weird.”

That killed the conversation for about half a minute before I remembered Taya was there, when she asked, “Daddy, what’s the mile high club?”

God dammit. “People who’ve had sex while flying,” I said.

“Isn’t that… dangerous?” she asked.

“That’s part of why people do it,” I said. “The thrill and excitement. Some people aren’t really into it as much, though. I’ve done enough weird stuff, myself.” Though if I still had a dick, I wouldn’t mind trying it.

“I’ve never really thought about that,” she slowly said, looking somewhat pensive. Oh great, now I gave her ideas. God dammit.

“If I have to come in and untie you after you did something dirty and fucked up, I’m going to be really pissed,” I said. “Just a warning.” She blushed, but didn’t say anything. Soarin’ just shook his head.

For better or worse, that killed the ‘real’ conversations. After that, it dipped into small talk up until we actually got to the palace.

“I never get tired of seeing the palace,” Soarin’ said, staring up at the large thing.

“Far too garish for me,” I said. “But then, look at the person who probably picked the colors. Her hair proves she’s just begging for attention.”

“You are far, far too comfortable with the princess,” he said, shaking his head.

“You learn to stop seeing people so formally when they jump your bones as often as they can. Especially with all of her kinks. If you ever get a chance, try to get a good look at her ass. Twenty bits says she’ll be wearing a plug, but it’ll be hard to see.” His eyes slowly widened as I spoke and his face got quite red. “Anyway, we gotta get ready to go. I’ll catch you later, Soarin’.”

Before he could muster up a response—or worse, try to kiss me—we let ourselves into the protective enclosure of the main palace. As soon as we got inside, one of the day guards at the inner doors smirked at me. “No goodbye kiss this time, ma’am?”

I looked at his partner, who was a reassigned night guard. “What’s his name?”

“Pointy Hat, sir.”

“...Seriously?” He shrugged. “Well, expect wet dreams involving a lot of stallions tonight, Pointy.” His mouth dropped. “And for the next several nights, probably. Maybe some other races, too. The servants that do laundry are gonna hate you.”

“B-b-but—”

“Yes, your butt. Being penetrated. A lot. And since I can control dreams, I’ll make sure you enjoy it.” He whimpered. “Sweet dreams. Come on, Taya.” We left the two of them behind, with the night guard snickering like crazy.

Packing our stuff was fairly easy, because we didn’t really have too much to pack. Getting it sent to the ship was even easier, because magic is occasionally awesome. Getting ourselves to the ship was slightly harder, because Taya’s stubby legs are slow as fuck. Thankfully, we got out before Celestia could send me a summons for anything.

When we finally got to the ship, it was actually starting to bustle again for the first time in days. The crew looked relatively happy and the soldiers looked even better. We were finally starting to move again, and everyone was pleased about it. God knows I was looking forward to getting shit started again, too.

Gourd found me before I could find him. “Ship’s looking good, sir. We’re clear to fly as soon as we’re all aboard.”

“Excellent. Set sail for the coast as soon as possible. One way or another, I figure someone’s gonna have to wait on someone else. If we’re going to be on the ship anyway, we might as well be waiting on them.”

“Yes sir. Watcher gave me the expected passenger list, so we’ll head out as soon as they’re all accounted for.”

“Good. I’m headed below to get all my stuff stowed away. If you need anything, just let me know.”

“I could use a back rub.”

“If you need me for anything I’m willing to do, just let me know.”

“Worth a try,” he said with a shrug.

“Ask Spike when we pick him up. He has some practice with it.”

“I’ll think about it.”

That was that, so we went on down below. Thankfully, my room no longer stank of sex and shame, so I didn’t feel too bad having Taya in there. It didn’t stop her before, but I kinda felt bad about it.

Of course, knowing me, it was only a matter of time.

“So what are we doing now?” Taya asked.

“Waiting. Then we’ll be heading to pick up a bunch of waters, then headed to Chrysalis’s main hive again.”

“So I’ll finally get to meet Flo in person?”

“Soon, yeah. You’ll probably learn pretty quickly that—”

“She’s the best elemental anywhere,” Flo broke in. “Just totally awesome. You’re gonna love her.”

Taya slowly lifted an eyebrow.

“...That distance makes the heart grow fonder,” I finished for myself.

“How will she feel when she’s inside me?”

“Judging by my dreams, you’ll cum almost—Wait, hell no. You aren’t gonna be a host. At least, not to Flo.”

“It’s cute that you think that,” Taya said with a bright smile.

Flo, I’m telling you right now: If you take my daughter as a host, you aren’t staying in me.

“I know, Nav,” she said. “And I have absolutely no plans to take your daughter as a host.”

“Flo says she doesn’t like you enough,” I said with a shrug. “She thinks I’m prettier.”

Taya stuck her tongue out at me, so Flo took the reins again. “I’ve always only had one host, and I’m going to keep it that way. What your father and I have is special, and I wouldn’t want to water down the experience by having another involved. And none of my sisters would take a young child as a host, because we passively slow down aging. You’ll have to wait until you’re older.”

“But… if I have you in me, I can always know if he’s safe! And where he is! And he can know the same for me…”

“Be that as it is, I’m afraid I can’t take you as a host. Maybe when you’re older, I can speak to one of my sisters, if you truly want one of us within you. But until then, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Taya looked down for a moment, before her horn lit up and she teleported out.

“Good job, Flo.”

“There’s no easy way to tell an adorable filly no, Nav. She’ll get over it.”

“Yeah, probably. Now, let’s get situated…” I started going over the stuff Taya teleported in. It was mostly all over the floor, so I started putting it all where it belonged, or at least in a location that fit it all better.

Right when I finished, I felt a small jolt as the ship kicked into motion. When I looked out the window, sure enough, we were finally moving. A smile stitched itself across my face when I realized we were finally leaving Canterlot behind. Again.

We’re coming for you, Flo.

“I can’t wait…”

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Eight—Into the Queen's Dark Hole

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Eight—Into the Queen's Dark Hole

Making a day guard dream about having sex with a lot of dudes was more fun than I thought it would be, and I originally thought it would be pretty fucking fun. I was looking forward to the next few nights, though Flo was trying to convince me not to since she’s ~~a spoilsport~~ not a child. Though I suppose I should remind her that a child wouldn’t make someone dream about sex. That’s what a~~n immature adult~~ pervert does.

One of these days, I’m going to learn how to stop her from taking over my hands.

When I woke up, we were already above the rendezvous place. I didn’t waste too much time getting out of bed and ready for the day. Somewhat surprisingly, Taya wasn’t out and about. But then, I figured she was probably still pouting and being angsty, so I went up to the deck.

The pitter-patter of eight horrifying feet behind me told me that Kat and Spider were up and about near the steering thing, so I walked to the captain, who was standing at the front of the ship and just looking down. “Any news?” I asked.

“Not really,” he replied, sparing me just a glance before looking back. “We’re where we’re supposed to be, but that blacksmith guard says they aren’t here yet.”

“I can’t imagine they’re really used to rushing, at this point. What’s a few days to an immortal? I just hope they have enough empathy left to realize that we don’t want to be sitting here for fucking ever.”

“They better get here soon enough, either way. We can stay in the air as long as we need to, but I’d prefer not to need to for very long.”

“Hell, we’ll have to land to pick them up anyway. Why are we up here and not down there?”

“Dealing with small winds buffeting the ship is better than dealing with constant waves. We can land when we need to and then get back up. Besides, if we don’t know how long we’ll be staying down, we’ll have to deflate the balloon, and getting that thing pumped back up again is annoying.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Did everyone decide to come, or did we leave anyone in Canterlot?”

“All but four of the guards are accounted for and all the crew’s here. We’ve done nearly a hundred runs over the wastes so far, and we’ve only been attacked once. We repelled that one easily enough, even with just the seven of us. I don’t expect any problems.”

“Good. And I imagine anything we run into out there will be scared off by the naga once we pick him up, anyway. He said his clan did their part in making the monsters of the wastes afraid of civilized areas.”

“Fear is powerful, but death is stronger. If we scare the monsters away, they’ll come back as soon as they think our backs are turned. But if we kill them, they’re gone for good.”

“...I keep forgetting you guys were pirate prisoners for a while.”

“We don’t. Sometimes, it seems that staying on this ship is both therapeutic and damaging.”

“Yeah, I bet that fucking sucks. I know having to be around Luna for any length of time was pretty bad. The wounds Kat put on me are slowly knitting closed, but it’s a long, lonely road.”

“It’s not that lonely for us. And it doesn’t have to be, for you.”

“There are some things a man has to fight alone.”

He finally actually turned to look at me. “To us, you aren’t just a man. You’re a leader. A savior. A friend. And friends don’t let friends suffer alone.”

“That’s pretty gay, dude. I’m going to go find Watcher, see if he has any news or whatever. See you later.” I saw him shaking his head sadly before I turned and walked back to the door leading below. That gave me a chance to see that most of the guards were on the deck as well, doing exercises and all the other boring stuff guards usually do.

That meant no one was in the main hall leading to Watcher’s bachelor pad, so I slipped through and quietly knocked, hoping I wouldn’t wake him up or interrupt him doing the nasty with Zecora.

The door magically opened a few moments later, revealing Watcher also doing some basic calisthenics. “You need something?” he asked when he saw who it was.

“Any news. And if we’re leaving anyone important behind. Gourd said we got eleven of the guards with us.”

“I told three to stay behind for news and to find some things for me. The last one stayed because he had the resources he needed to translate that elemental book in the Canterlot library.”

“The wh—Oh yeah, the air elemental location list. How’s that coming?”

“Better, now that he has all the resources he needs at hoof. Not like it’s going to matter for a while anyway. I can’t imagine you’re in too much of a hurry to free the airs, after what happened in Ponyville. And from what the others have said about them.”

“How did you know about—Wait, you’re Watcher. Never mind. Yeah, I’m not really in a hurry to have more of them floating around. But since you do know about it, how do you feel about the cloning pool?”

He stopped doing pushups. “There’s a cloning pool?”

“...What were you talking about when you mentioned something happening in Ponyville?”

“The air elemental damaging a few buildings and striking the Apple farm while you were harvesting. What are you talking about?”

Oh boy. “You probably aren’t going to like hearing this. Or at least, if you have any moral compass left. Long story short, there’s some kind of magical cloning pool in the Everfree that makes a complete copy of your physical form, with almost none of the actual memories. Somehow, Pinkie knew about it and Aerie convinced her to go clone herself. Within six hours, there were hundreds of Pinkies roaming throughout the town.”

“...How did I not hear about this?”

“Celestia wanted it kept really, really quiet. She had to murder the shit out of all the clones and that’s not the kind of persona she wants to project.”

“Yes, I imagine so. Where’s the pool?”

“In the Everfree. I showed it to her, and she practically admitted to having used it to create soldiers before.”

“Did she destroy it or hide it away?”

“Hid it, at my advice. I was wondering if you had any thoughts.”

“...Destroying it would have been the right thing to do. But hiding it was the smart thing to do. That’s truly the extent of it.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that’s what you would say. Maybe we should get someone that isn’t absolutely fucked up on this ship and start asking them before we do things.”

“I suspect very little would ever get done, were we to do that.”

“Yeah, probably. Anyway, what kind of exercises would you recommend for Taya? I’m trying to get her in some kind of shape so she can run away if needed.”

“There’s not exactly much room to do laps on the ship, but she could manage. Basic things like pushups and crunches are good. One of my troops used to be a drill instructor before he realized how boring it was and went back to active duty, so you could ask him. Grey Boulder.”

“One of the earth ponies, then?”

“Yeah. The biggest one.”

“I’ll give him a talk. Taya’s all angsty right now and I suppose getting her mind off being a teenager’s a good idea.”

“There’s definitely a reason I never had kids.”

And a reason I never wanted them. “Understandable. Anyway, any other news?”

“Nah. But I do suggest checking up on Jak, if you have a moment. Gourd says he hasn’t been out of that book in over a day. He seems like the type that’ll get so focused on something he’ll forget about eating.”

“Should be Smiles’s job, but I guess he doesn’t really have a way through the book. Where is it?”

“His shop, probably. Ask Smiles.”

“Ugh, that means I have to talk to Smiles… Maybe he’s still asleep. I’ll go check, I guess.”

“Good luck. If you need to, smack him on the nose with a newspaper. It works for you, at least.”

“Only because I gave you permission to. It shouldn’t come to that. Usually threatening to kick him in the dick works.”

“I suppose there’s at least one good thing about being trapped in the body of a female.”

“Dude, have you ever been kicked in the cunt?” He lifted an eyebrow. “That shit hurts just as bad as being kicked in the balls. It’s just a smaller target that’s harder to hit just right. And I can also get kicked in the tits, which also hurts like hell. And I’m just thanking god there ain’t no one that can get me pregnant, or I might never have sex again. If abortions were an option, maybe, but I already know Flo ain’t gonna put up with that shit.”

“Oh, human females can’t autoabort?”

“...I forgot you guys can do that. No, we can’t. There’s a special procedure where… actually, it’s pretty nasty. We have to do it by hand.”

“I like knowing many things, but please don’t go into detail.”

“Yeah, I felt the same way after I looked it up. Anyway, I’m gonna go find Jak. Have fun.”

He snorted. “Yeah. Right.”

Since he was gonna be like that, I went ahead and left, heading down to Jak’s shop. It seemed that Smiles was being lazy again, as I didn’t feel any excess heat start picking up on the way. It seemed the fires were off. Though I suppose having no one to work for gives you plenty of time to finish up your backlog.

When I got there, the place was actually empty. I wasn’t about to push my luck, so I went on into Jak’s main workshop, where the book was resting on a table. After mentally preparing myself to deal with Athena’s crazy ass, I opened it up and got sucked inside.

A quick look around told me the upper floor of her weird library didn’t have anyone or anything moving. But when I turned to hop over the railing, Athena was standing inches in front of me. Before she could say a thing, I mused aloud, “You must have been from a culture that stood very close to people when talking and encouraged physical contact.”

“The Greeks fit that description, yes,” she said, not missing a beat. “What information do you require from me this time, Lady Icarus?”

“I get the wing thing, but why Icarus? That doesn’t really seem… accurate.”

“The way the sun gazed upon you when you brought her to me, I believe you might have flown quite close to her more than once. I wonder how she perceives your… transformation.”

“With annoyance. She enjoyed me having a dick. But she’s also enjoying me not having one, so at least there’s that.”

“So again I ask, what do you require, Lady Icarus?”

“Where’s Jak? He hasn’t been out in a while and I don’t want him to starve.”

“There is no hunger in my domain. He may waste away, but will never die. You never wondered why husks roamed my halls, always seeking but never finding? Undying yet dead, lost but not aimless? They are the bodies of those who suffered deathblows in my home, but will never find peace.”

“...Even after Twilight and I wrecked their shit?”

“Perhaps you gave some peace, but the only true death here is vaporization or being returned to the world of life and rot. You may have disabled some for a time, but they’ll slowly shamble back together as the magic seeps its way deeper into their very souls.”

“Spooky. Anyway, where’s Jak?”

“He is below, with his automaton. It is as yet incapable of handling stairs, so it remains there. Staring at me. While I sleep.”

“Fun stuff. I’m gonna go say hi.” Before I could even blink, the two of us were standing next to Jak. He was poring over a book, maybe trying to find wisdom from the ancients, or maybe trying to learn how to make toilets that work properly. You never really know, with him. “Hey Jak, you still alive?”

He blinked once before slowly lifting his large head up to gaze upon me. “Forerunner. While I was navigating the maze of this realm, I found many history books pertaining to the human race. This is one such book.”

“Cool. You need anything? Watcher said you’ve been in here for a while.”

“I excused myself to sleep, though I did not leave my workshop. She has plenty of foodstuffs hidden away, though all of it is preserved. I will be trying to instill extremely fine control in my golem so it may be used to obtain more delicate things.”

“Maybe you should be working on that instead of reading history books.”

“If this history didn’t pertain to writing glyphs, perhaps. According to Athena, this book was written several thousand years before your birth. It might well be something that would interest you, as well.”

“It’s always good to learn from history, but magic really ain’t my thing. I have faith in my sword and my armor. I don’t have faith that some mysterious force will come to my aid when I need it. I gave up believing in miracles a few years ago.”

“These runes are hard magic, forerunner. Magic you can see, magic you can feel. I share the same suspicions when it comes to magic that is performed, though I admit to having faith that I could learn it if I so chose.”

“Well, feel free to carve some good ones into my metal armor. I’m getting rid of that dragon scale shit. It’s haunted.”

“...How so? Is it dangerous?”

“Hell yeah it’s fucking dangerous. That shit came alive on me while I was fighting and took over my entire body.”

Athena placed an arm around my shoulder and leaned in really close to me. “I would like to see a piece of this armor, my lovely Icarus.”

“Twilight has it,” I replied, trying to fight the revulsion I felt from her touch. “She wanted to do experiments on it. I kinda have a bad feeling she’s going to get me to wear it and then try to make it take over again.”

“Yes, that seems like something she would do.” Athena seemed to lose interest in me and wandered away, letting her arm slowly trail off me until it went limp. Before she disappeared from sight, she said, “Bring a piece to me when you can.”

“That lady really worries me sometimes,” Jak quietly said before looking back to his book. “I am well, forerunner. I am not so old or so focused that I would quickly forget to take care of myself.”

“Just be wary about this place, then,” I said. “I don’t know what it is, but it always seems…”

“Off?” he finished. “Yes. It drove her mad, though I suppose she had plenty of time to fall into it by herself. But her madness is reflected in this place. Orderly but chaotic, always moving and yet so dusty and frail that it seems immobile. Rife with danger. Remember, forerunner: I walked the maze, too.”

“True enough. Well, if you don’t need anything, I’m heading back.”

“If I need something, I will be perfectly capable of getting it for myself. Though I suppose your concern is noted.”

“Alright, cool. See you later, Jak.”

“Forerunner.”

I really had no need to talk to Athena, so I walked over to the stairs and let myself out. Eerily enough, aside from my own footsteps, I didn’t hear any other noise. I just opened the book and let the calamari take me on home.

My chores for the day were done, so I went back to my room. After a moment’s consideration, I left the door open and just pulled out my laptop. That way, anyone that wanted to talk to me would have to make the choice between bothering me from something I was interested in or not getting whatever they wanted.

I had a feeling I knew exactly what most people would choose.

I gotta say, though, the one who actually chose to visit me was a surprise. Spider managed to creep halfway to my bed before I noticed him, but he froze when my head jerked up and I suddenly lifted a knife above my head. As soon as I realized it was just the creepiest fucker in my crew, I relaxed. Slightly.

“What do you need?” I sighed, putting the tool away. His beady black eyes (probably) watched the knife until it slipped away, then (likely) moved up to my face before jerking back down. It’s hard to tell when someone doesn’t have pupils, after all.

“Canterlot was nice, high mistress,” he quietly said.

“Glad you liked it. And you don’t have to call me that.”

“It… comforts me, high mistress.” Weird. “The caring one… Kat, said I should ask you something. If you would find it acceptable, I would like to do so.”

“Depends entirely on what you’re going to ask, I guess.”

“Why does the high mistress dislike me?”

Oh boy. “Spider, I don’t dislike you at all.” Technically. “I don’t even know you. However, I was mistreated by the spiders while we were there and some of them said some things that made me… wary of the rest of you. So far, you haven’t done anything that’s made me worry too much.” I also haven’t really been paying attention.

“The caring one told me to ask if there was any way I could earn your favor…?”

“Continue behaving, I guess. I don’t really need anything.”

“...Earning favor is much easier here than it was back there.”

“Yeah, I bet no one here’s asked you for sex.” And if anyone has, Kat and I are going to be having a long talk about it.

“The… caring one got upset when I tried… pleasing her. The royal dragon was very confused and pushed me away. The black prey bug seemed excited, but refused after a moment. Is… is it truly… not something that is done here? The use of lowlings for pleasure?”

“It’s very uncommon and kinda illegal, I think. Depends on what you mean by lowlings, I guess. The age of consent in Equestria is a lot lower than I’m comfortable with, but I don’t think many people really take advantage of it. Having sex with servants and people ranked lower than you is kinda fucked up and heavily discouraged, but I’m not certain it’s actually illegal. Just stop asking to please everyone.”

“The caring one said the same thing. It is… a habit.”

“It shouldn’t be one that’s too hard to break. You might should ask Kat to teach you to fight. I could see that helping. Maybe give you more of a backbone, too.”

“She… was going to ask you to help with that, high mistress.”

“Seems to me that you’d benefit from an assassin’s fighting style much more than mine. Chitin is tough, but brittle. You don’t have much of a place in an upfront fight. But your web, poison, and ability to climb anything would make you very useful at sneak attacks.”

“She didn’t think you would want me to learn stuff like that…”

“You’re behaving. That means you’re part of the crew. You’re free to learn whatever anyone here is willing to teach. And besides, I’m still learning from the naga how to fight, whereas Kat’s already a master at her craft. You’d be better off learning from her than trying to learn anything from me.” Unless it’s how to be a slut. Though Doppel would be better for that.

“High mistress… if you are unable to fight as well or kill as well as others, why are you in charge?”

“Leading isn’t about your ability to kill. It’s about your ability to make others want to follow your orders. Being able to kill can instill fear in someone, but rarely loyalty. You make someone afraid, they’ll try to stab you in your back. You make someone loyal, they’ll follow you anywhere. That said, there are better leaders on board. Honestly, I have no idea how or why I ended up in charge. It just sorta accidentally happened one day and I’ve been rolling with it ever since.”

“The outside world is… different.”

“Man, you don’t even know. Kat teach you to read yet? Once you start doing that, you’re gonna figure out quick how different things really are.”

“I have been learning. It is difficult with my eyes, but it is… doable.”

This fucker hesitates far too much. “You could always try closing all but two of them. Honestly, I don’t really know how they work. Either way, it’s definitely a thought. If you want to try any different books, let me know. I keep a collection with me, but they might be a bit… out there for you.” And if it keeps your creepy ass from bothering me for a while, even better.

A sudden sensation of the ship moving was my first warning something was off. The next was a guard’s head poking in my door. “We’re headed down, sir. Elementals are here.”

“Excellent.” I set the laptop aside and hopped up. “Spider, head back to Kat. I have to greet our guests.”

“Yes, high mistress.” He seemed to bow slightly before scuttling back out the door. The guard quickly took a step back to avoid him and let the creepy bastard enter the hall undisturbed.

As soon as he was gone, I sighed. “Do I really have to go greet these things?” I asked the guard.

“I think Watcher might be upset if you don’t.”

“Do you want to pretend to be me for a few minutes? Just stand on your hind legs and don’t smile. Should be easy.”

“My voice isn’t as cute as yours… sir,” he said.

“Fuck you.” I finally started walking out. He chuckled and followed along behind me as we walked up to the deck. We weren’t all the way down yet, but it looked like all the guards and crew members that were awake were on deck. “Status?” I asked Gourd, since he was right by the door.

“Looking good and heading down. Sunshine said they’d be here soon. They… aren’t all gonna be like Brook or Ice, right?”

“God I hope not. But they’re both going to be here, unfortunately. Speaking of which… where the fuck are we gonna put them all?”

“I was wondering when you’d ask that,” he replied with a smile. “Some of them will fit in the cargo holds. Aqua and Ice are staying with Twilight and Sunshine Smiles. The others will flatten themselves down and stick to the bottom of the ship. That’s apparently a thing they can do.”

“That’s cool I guess, as long as they don’t peek into any windows. Though honestly, I guess it doesn’t much matter. Not like they really feel anything anyway.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Flo said.

The captain shrugged. “Doesn’t really matter much to me, honestly. I don’t always get to have as much fun as you do.”

“I’m sure you have enough fine magic control to give you a decent enough facsimile.”

“It’s never as good as the real thing. Speaking of which, if you’re open to the idea…”

“It’s an offer I’ll keep in mind,” I said, actually meaning it. There were few enough dudes I could fuck on board with no consequences and I figured the captain was probably one of them. I’d have to be pretty desperate, though. “Any thoughts on how to greet them?”

“Warmly. Aside from that, I have no clue.”

“Well, hell, I already know most of them. Not like I can really fuck it up too badly.”

“Great, now we’re screwed,” he sighed.

“I like the optimism, but I’m still thinking about it. I’m gonna go see if Watcher has any final thoughts.”

“Good luck. I’m heading up to the wheel. I might have a few extra seconds if things go poorly.” Thanks for the vote of confidence.

When I got to Watcher, he was, unsurprisingly, watching over the front of the boat. “Trying to get a glimpse of them before we land?”

“Trying to get a glimpse of any hostile intentions. From what you, Twilight, and Smiles have said, these things are very used to getting their way. When they realize that we… or perhaps you, are running the show, they might be somewhat reluctant to assist us.”

“I’d be perfectly willing to let them give the orders, if I thought they’d give orders that would get shit done. Waters are fucking bleeding hearts. Revere all life and all that jazz. Being peaceful is all well and good, but sometimes that shit just don’t work, and you gotta be willing to fuck shit up.”

“Human speech is really interesting. But I share the same assessment. I would not want to take orders from something as old as they are purported to be. Even if they are empathetic or caring for all life, I don’t trust them to hold the lives of individual troops in a high regard when it comes to what they might consider the greater good. And to them, I might be one of the individual troops. Nor do I trust them to have the same goals as ours. If they try to push you or take over, don’t even give them a chance to solidify any power.”

“I have no intention of it. I’d like you backing me up, if you don’t mind.”

“That’s the plan.”

Before I could reply, the helmsman’s magically augmented voice cut in. “WE’RE LANDING. GRAB ONTO SOMETHING.” I put both my hands on the rail and Watcher’s horn lit up to anchor him down. Thankfully, we slid into the water easily, so the precautions weren’t needed.

When nothing immediately happened, I relaxed. “So now we play the waiting game, it seems.”

“That’s the way of soldiery, sir. Hurry up and wait. But I told Smiles not to have us start landing until they were close, so it shouldn’t—” Several large tubes of water suddenly shot over the side and landed on the deck, making whatever he was about to say pointless. My hand immediately shot to where my sword should have been, but I thankfully left it in my room.

Soon, the elementals all took proper shapes, most emulating humans. Man oh man, a deck full of Cortanas. “Welcome to the Second Chance,” I said before any of them could speak up. “For those of you who have yet to meet me, I am Navarone.”

Two of them started to surge forward slightly and I heard them whisper something about humans, but the one closest to me stuck her hands out to block them. “Hello again, Navarone. I trust you have been informed about our planned itinerary.”

“If by your route, you mean the one my crew and I came up with, yes. We’ll be leaving for our destination as soon as you’re all aboard and ready.”

“We are all present.”

“Gourd, take us up!” I called across the ship.

“You got it!” he called back. Shortly thereafter, we started ascending.

“And I trust you know your accommodations?” I asked.

“We do. Though Aqua reports that Twilight is missing.”

“As are all of her friends. For the time being, you’re welcome to shove as many of yourselves into their rooms as you’d like.”

“Many of my sisters would like a turn in your room, perhaps interviewing you. The ones that were trapped are quite interested in how a human came about in this late age.”

“I’m not a fan of interviews. Or fangirls.” Unless they’re sexy. “I might consent to answer a few questions, though. For now, feel free to get comfortable. Meet the crew, find a place to idle, or whatever. We’ll be making a few detours before we head to the hive, but nothing that’ll slow us down too much.”

“Are we free to make hosts of the crew?”

“If you explain every aspect of being a host and are given permission beforehand, feel free. And by every aspect, I specifically mean the part about being able to take over their body at will.”

“Such conversations are usually standard, but I imagine Flo took a few… liberties with what she told you. Desperation brings lies more easily to one’s lips.”

“Yeah. Sure. That was the reason.” Flo smacked me, of course, but she at least did it gently. “So are we gonna do formal introductions, or are we just gonna learn who’s who when we do?”

“I am Brook, as you should know. Though I suppose it is difficult for you to tell us apart. You also know Mist, Naiad, Aqua, and Ice.” Each of the named elementals nodded at me, telling me who was who. Though Ice was kinda obvious. “The ones you don’t know are Cascade, Waterfall, Rain, Raine, River, and Carl.”

“...Did you just say Carl?”

“I did. Do you have a problem with her name, Anonymous?”

“...As long as you don’t call me that again, I won’t mention... hers. The two Rains are gonna be somewhat difficult, too.”

“Unlikely. You won’t often see one without the other. Now, as virtue of being the oldest, I am the technical head of this water elemental group.” Of course it would be the bitchiest one. “You will, I’m sure, want to stay mostly independent of our control. Just know that we want to stay mostly independent of your control as well. And by your, I don’t just mean when we’re on this ship, Navarone. We know of your future plans involving the past.”

“That’s something we can discuss later, if it ever becomes pertinent. I can’t see the need to give any of you guys orders that you wouldn’t want to follow anyway, so I’m perfectly willing to let you stay independent. I just don’t want to hear too much bitching if we do things you don’t like.”

“I rather doubt you’ll have the chance to do much of that before my sisters and I can have a long conversation with Flo.”

“You’re perfectly welcome to, but don’t expect it to do much good. At least, not if you’re thinking about trying to get her to rein me in.”

“We shall see. But it certainly wouldn’t do for the resident human to die. Athena is unreachable and Arachne is still a monster, so neither of those can have near the impact that you can.”

“I ain’t checkin’ out just yet, don’t you worry.” Aqua snorted. “Now, I don’t reckon there’s really a need to be standing around, yammerin’ about. Y’all need anything, I’ll be below.”

“Ah, interesting. So you drop into an accent when you get annoyed. I figured I would have noticed that by now.”

“Given your tendency to annoy me or piss me off, yeah, I figured you probably would have. You know, what with you threatening to murder one of my friends and all.” She flinched back and turned a shade darker. “Once again, feel free to introduce yourselves around, ladies and Ice,” I said to them all. “We’re probably going to be spending a lot of time on this boat together, so you might as well meet everyone sooner rather than later.”

Unfortunately, they were all between me and the door leading down. That meant I had to try to walk around or through their group to get where I was going. It was going well right up until the point where I started, when Brook stopped blocking the two elementals from surging toward me. Creepily enough, they both wrapped around my body in an interlocking fashion until they covered all of me but my head.

“We’d like to ask questions,” one of them said, whispering it right next to my ear.

“So many questions. About all kinds of things,” the other added.

“You pulled us from the ice.”

“So we also want to thank you.”

“And she’s Rain.”

“And she’s Raine.”

I sighed and started walking again, dragging their wet bodies with me. “This is gonna be a long fucking trip. Gourd, we’re flying to the mountain in the Everfree.”

“I’ve seen it,” he said with a nod. “We’ll be there shortly.”

The other water elementals started petering off to talk to the crew, leaving me to my two new tormentors. Well, them and Watcher, who ignored the attempts the elementals made to talk to him so he could follow me. When we got down to my room, he stopped at the door. “Brook called you Anonymous,” he said.

“She did indeed,” I replied.

“One of the prisoners that I believe had contact with Discord said that word. When I told you before, you recognized it and said it was a human thing. What does it mean?”

“Well, hell, I suppose it’s time someone found out. When Twilight brought me here, I lied about my name. I didn’t know if she was hostile or not, so I gave her a fake name, just in case. What you just heard was my real name.” Or rather, the real-fake name that I put in here so Celestia doesn’t learn the real one.

“I see. Why would it be in the mind of that prisoner, then?”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing.”

“Hm. This is… worrying.”

“Yeah, kinda. But I have a more pressing, present concern in the form of two clingy water elementals that don’t know what personal space is.”

They both giggled and one said, “Certain liberties can be taken with such a unique specimen…”

“And you’re warm,” the other happily added, squeezing tighter for just a moment.

“I’m afraid that’s something I can’t help you with,” Watcher said with some measure of distaste. “I believe I should have a talk with Brook, actually. Excuse me.” He left before I could excuse him, leaving me with two elementals that wanted to know all about me.

Life is hard.

When we got to Reginald’s cave, they still refused to let me go. Thankfully, they didn’t restrict movement, or I’d be pissed instead of just really annoyed. I flew on down to the ground alone, aside from the two of them.

“If you two don’t get off me by the time I go to bed, I’m going to have you burned off,” I warned as I walked to the cave.

“If you take us both to bed, you might not want us gone,” one said.

“We both have such pretty voices. You’d love to hear us sing…”

“And we’d quite like to hear you hitting a few high notes, too.”

“It might take a few training exercises first, though…” The two of them started giggling.

I can’t tell if they’re talking about fucking me or actually training me to sing. I also don’t know which would be worse.

“I certainly won’t allow either,” Flo said. “They’re trying to take you from me and I won’t let that stand. Anything these two upstarts can do, I can do better!”

Alright, if you three want to get in a contest to see who can give me the most orgasms, I won’t complain. Much.

“Slut.”

Just sayin’.

By that point, we were walking into the main cavern of Reginald’s cave. Thankfully, the two pests finally stopped giggling, but I could still feel them gently writhing around my body. They weren’t doing anything sexual, but it still felt really weird.

Of course, no one goes into that fellow’s cave without him knowing, or at least, not for long. I only got a few dozen meters in before I could see Spike sitting on top of a mound of treasure, idly kicking his heels. Moments after I saw him, Reginald’s massive head snaked out of a side tunnel. “Visitors?” he rumbled. “Ah, Navarone. You’re covered in water.”

“Yeah, I kinda am.”

As soon as he said my name, Spike finally caught sight of me. And after I finished talking, his face lit up with a smile and he hopped down to sprint toward me so he could hug me. I probably should have ended up on my back, but the elementals braced me and then wrapped themselves around his body, too.

“I was waiting forever for you to come back!” Spike happily said, still holding me. “I didn’t think you’d bring an elemental, though.”

“These two won’t leave me alone.” I finally reciprocated his hug, hoping it would give him incentive to let me go. Sure enough, he did.

“So are we finally going back on the ship?” he asked.

“Yep. We’re here to grab you. Gonna get the naga next. Then we’ll head right to Chrysalis’s place.” Well, after a quick stop in Appaloosa.

“Finally!”

Reggie took a step closer. “So you return once more to the road. And you’re going to visit little Miss Moonbeam?”

“Yeah. There’s something I need near her hive and I figure it’s better to ask before I start digging for it.”

“Yes, that would be wise. As much as I would like to assist you in your journey, I have one of my own to plan. Who knows where Luna may be found?”

“Celestia, of course. They have some kind of communication going on. I hope you’re a little more calm now.”

“I am. And I must thank you, Navarone. If you had not made me wait, I fear I might have done something hasty and ill-advised. My blood still boils at the news, but I will confront her calmly before ripping her limb from limb.”

“That’s all I can ask. Just, you know, don’t mention to Celestia the whole killing her part. Though the common theory in Canterlot right now is that she’s back on the moon, so you might not be able to do much to her anyway.”

“We shall see. There is more than one place prisoners of her power can end up. I just hope I do not find her hidden away in Canterlot, living in luxurious isolation.”

“If you do, smack Celestia’s shit up for me.”

“I will most definitely be displeased as well.” He turned his giant eyes to Spike. “Gather up your belongings. When I depart, I’ll be sealing off my cave.”

“Oh, right!” He spread his wings and took off, quickly flying deeper into the cave.

Reggie looked back at me. “So why are you covered in water?”

“Long story. These things are sapient and apparently like my body or something. If they don’t knock their shit off, I’ll knock their shit up.”

“I will never get over how interesting your speech patterns are. You seem to use the word shit for a lot more than we do.”

“Yeah, English is kinda bad about reusing words for stuff. Fuck and shit are both used for a ton of stuff. And then we go around and make words that mean the same thing. Shit’s crazy.”

“I take it English is what humans call common?”

“Yeah. The ponies call it Equis because they’re still going through that nationalist, exceptionalist phase.”

“Inspired by the leader they believe to be moving the sun. Though I suppose the illusion was somewhat lessened when that old lich ruined Equestria-that-was, not that it really did much in the long run.”

“...Was that lich’s name Grogar, by chance?”

“It was, yes. He rained ice down upon the ponies and forced most of them to move. Did you find out about him in your journeys?”

“Yeah. And if he actually went full lich, I bet that bastard’s still kicking.”

“I would not be surprised.” He snorted smoke and shook his head. “There were many times that Luna and I sought permission to wipe his filthy dark magic from the face of this land. We should have done it anyway.”

“...You know, another thing I found was one of Luna’s diaries. What Celestia made the two of you do ended with Luna absolutely despising herself.”

His eyes narrowed and he grit his horrifyingly large teeth. “That white horse has much to answer for.” Spike was finally walking back, so Reggie gently grabbed me and started walking to the exit. “I hope for the sake of her kingdom that she’ll be able and willing to answer my questions. She can’t be everywhere at once, and there are few settlements able to withstand a full grown dragon’s attack.”

“I can’t imagine any answers are worth genocide.”

“Young human minds and old dragon minds work very differently, my friend,” he said as he set me down. Spike was hurrying to keep up on his stubby legs. His bag, crossbow, and quiver were bouncing with every small bound, up until he remembered that he could fly and sailed the rest of the way out.

As soon as the entrance was clear, Reginald grabbed his large door and covered the entrance to his cave, then blasted it with fire. As close as I was standing, I really should have been singed, but the elementals moved to cover the rest of my body, blocking any damage.

Soon, the deed was done. “Is there anything else you need from me?” Reginald asked.

“All I can do is ask that you not hurt anyone. I was mistreated, but violence begets violence. The cycle has to stop somewhere. I can definitely say that there’s a time and a place for killing and maiming, but this isn’t it.”

“I shall… take your words into consideration,” he said. Then he swung his head to Spike. “As I suggest you do with mine.”

“As many times as you said those same things to me, I don’t think I’ll forget them any time soon,” he sarcastically replied.

“See that you don’t. Now, I will wait until the two of you are aboard your ship to leave. The downdraft from my wings would be discomforting.”

“Thanks for the thought,” I said with a nod. “And I’m already looking forward to seeing you again. One of these days, we’ll have a talk without a schedule, and we can discuss what really happened in the past.”

“Perhaps. Farewell for now, Navarone. Friend.”

“See you when I see you. Come on, Spike.” I didn’t wait for any other response, and just took off for the ship. Spike followed me a few moments later, probably saying his goodbyes or whatever. As soon as I landed, I held my arms up. “Alright, your free ride is over. Get off.”

“You know, your heartbeat picked up quite nicely when that dragon held you,” one whispered in my ear.

“Does a certain human have a thing for a large dragon?” the other asked.

“Or perhaps it’s dragons in general?” Of course, they waited until Spike landed next to me to ask that, making him blink in shock.

“Or, you know, I freaked out because the fucker’s hand is huge and could crush me on accident.”

“Perhaps,” one said while the other chuckled. Either way, they both finally slithered off me and fucked off to who knows where.

“Weirdos,” I muttered, shaking my head.

“So what’s with those two?” Spike asked.

“Like I said, they’re weird. And they like humans, I guess. Anyway, welcome back on board. Twilight and her friends aren’t here, so things are going to be quiet for a little while.”

“Princess Celestia let you leave them behind?”

“Psh, if only. Chrysalis hates them, so I just left them temporarily. We’ll be picking them up when we leave the main hive.”

“Oh. So, what have you been up to?”

Ugh. Even with those two gone, it’s still gonna be a long bloody trip. Most of the crew that were on the deck were staring over the side at the massive dragon under us, but the helmsman was still at his place. “We’re heading to Stone Falls,” I called up at him. “Gotta pick up the naga.”

“Aye aye, sir. It’ll take us a good few hours to get there.”

“Let me know when we do.”

“You got it.” The ship kicked into motion, so I started leading Spike below while answering his questions.

It didn’t take all that long to get to the naga’s place. Answering a bunch of questions made it feel longer, though. At least Taya finally came out of her funk long enough to go with me down to the naga cave. That was a simple pickup, since one of the naga scouts saw our ship and sent word to Ames. He was waiting for us by the time we got to the cave’s entrance.

Thankfully, he didn’t care about what happened, so I didn’t have to answer a bunch of stupid questions. Unfortunately, almost every single one of the elementals decided it would be fun to watch the two of us spar. Normally I don’t mind people staring at my body, but their gazes were a lot less sexual and a lot more… protective.

“It’s been a little while for me, naga,” I said. “I hope you’ll be gentle.”

“I know you like it fast and rough, human,” he said with a smirk. “And with the way you’re dressed, you’re just asking for it.”

“Protection takes half the fun out of it. But from the looks of your stance, it’s been a little while for you, too.”

“Not so long that I can’t give you what you deserve.”

“Well then, what are you waiting for, big guy? Give it to me.”

“With pleasure!” He suddenly shot toward me, stabbing with his massive wood. I dodged toward his weak side and slashed with my blade, trying to catch him under his extended arm. He saw it coming and twisted away.

Since playing defensive is a good way to get stabbed, I followed him, staying well inside his possible swing arcs, and tried going for his large neck. He lifted his sword to block it and then used one of his hands to push me back so hard I fell on my ass. He swung his sword down, but I scooted back and opened my legs wider, making his blade hit the deck.

While he lifted it for another swing, I hastily got to my feet. By the time I was up, he was already slinging the blade in a wide arc in front of him. I jumped back from it and then jumped in for a stab. He used his freaky snake body to pivot away from it, leaving his lower body in the same spot. So I sliced down, finally biting flesh… and catching a greatsword to the face on his backswing.

Of course, I went down hard. Before he could either taunt me or tell me where I went full retard (or mention how I killed him at the cost of killing myself), half the elementals on deck surged toward us. One immediately put her hands on my head, one covered my body entirely, and the others all started accosting the naga while I was being ‘taken care of’. I kinda wish I could hear what they were saying, but I had a pretty good guess.

As soon as the one with her hands on me killed my pain, she let go and said, “She is well, sisters.”

“He does not need to be coddled!” the naga growled.

“She is the only remaining human, the last hope of their race!” Brook shot back. “She must be protected.”

“Oh hell no,” I said, struggling to free myself from the one encompassing me. “Y’all ain’t gonna pull that shit on me! And bitch, you better get up off me!” The elemental holding me down finally relented, seeping away and reforming herself as a humanoid, letting me stand. “Any one of you bitches tries pulling that shit again, I’ll have you evaporated. I got a dragon on board and plenty of unicorns that would be all too happy to make you steam. Don’t tempt me.”

“You need us too much to risk harming a single one of us,” Brook contemptuously answered.

“You know my species,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “You know what spite is. You saw it in play. You better believe I wanna kill that Discord bastard, but don’t think I won’t have you killed if you cross me. He may have killed my species, but you almost killed my friend. Don’t think for a second I’ll forget that and don’t think for a second I’ll let you start any of your fuckery on this ship. You try me, I. Will. End. You.”

“Words spoken in haste and anger,” she said, shaking her head. “We will be watching, Navarone. Do not think we will let you come to harm.”

“Taya, if any of these try to stop us from sparring again, light them on fire.”

I didn’t have to look at her to know she was smiling. “With pleasure, daddy!” Brook’s eyes narrowed for a moment before she and her sisters went back to their original positions.

I nodded once and grabbed my sword from where it fell, easily falling back into a fighting stance. The naga matched me and we began again.

It took all night, but we finally made it to Appaloosa. Early fall or not, the weather was just as hot as I remembered it the last time. And despite kinda sorta wanting to see Braeburn’s reaction to my involuntary changes, I didn’t bother getting off the ship. The crew didn’t suffer from that decision, however, and most of them went and enjoyed the normally-famous earth pony hospitality. Especially Smiles, because I made sure to tell him to ask around for Braeburn.

I was considerably more interested in the response Doppel was bringing from Chrysalis, myself. Honestly, I kinda wanted to see the pretty little bug queen again. As much of a bitch as she is, she has a strange… charm.

Or maybe my mind is just somewhat addicted to her devouring my feelings.

Either way, a smile came to my face as soon as I saw Doppel flying back to the ship. “So what did she say?” I asked as soon as she touched down.

“Queen Chrysalis said we’re all welcome,” she replied with a grin. “She isn’t even all that worried about any of the ponies knowing where the hive is. She just wants to meet us on the surface before any of us go down there.”

“That’s easy enough,” I said. “I doubt we’ll need all the ponies with us anyway, so we can probably leave most of them behind. And honestly, no offense to the changelings, but I’m not really sure I want to risk twenty ponies down there without me or any intelligentsia watching them.”

“Won’t most of them be at the dig site?” Doppel asked.

“Most of the time, probably. But Watcher and Gourd were talking like some of the guards would want to go sight-seeing. Which I suppose I can understand, because the hive is definitely beautiful.”

“Queen Chrysalis probably won’t mind assigning guides,” she said with a shrug. “And since you’ll be living in the palace, you probably won’t need me much. I’d be happy to take them anywhere they wanted to go.”

“Yeah, but don’t you want to see family or any of your friends again? It’s been a while since you were last home, hasn’t it?”

“No, I don’t want to see any of them ever again,” she very matter-of-factly said. “Ooh, I wonder if she would let me show them the breeding chambers…”

“The what?”

She blinked a few times. “You uh… You didn’t know about those?”

“...No?”

She awkwardly cleared her throat and looked away. “Then don’t worry about it.”

“Every time you start talking about the hive, I get a little more worried.”

“Nothing to worry about at all, master!” she happily said, looking back at me. “Think we should get moving?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to Watcher, see what he thinks. I wasn’t expecting Chrysalis to be fine with letting everyone down there. I would tell you to start packing, but I don’t guess you really wear clothes all that much.”

“I’d definitely get stared at a lot down there if I did… And not the fun kind of stares, either. Or at least, not many of them. But I do need to mentally prepare myself for it. The hive is very different from the outside world.”

“Different is definitely a word you could use for it. Anyway, I’m heading below.” She turned tiny and flew up to my head so she could plop down. I rolled my eyes and walked on down to Watcher’s room. When I got there, she fluttered away and I let myself inside.

Thankfully, he was alone and not doing anything I didn’t want to see. “Got a reply from Chrysalis,” I said. “We can apparently bring everyone we want. She just wants to talk to us on the surface before we go below.”

“Well, that’s interesting news. Most of my troops really want to see the hive. I didn’t think she would let us, though. But then, if we’re going to be digging, she might not expect us to do too much sight-seeing.”

“Well, we still don’t really know how happy she’s going to be to see us at all. She’s usually all too pleased to assist me with anything, but I upset her a little the last time I spoke with her. And if she knows that we don’t have direct ties to Equestria anymore, there’s no telling what she’ll try to do.”

“She’s too smart to attempt to hurt us. I very highly doubt that this is a trap.”

“Well, not a trap designed to hurt us, at least. She was very interested in making me king, the last time she saw me.”

“...Oh. Well then. I suppose if all else fails, you can attempt to seduce her to gain access.”

“I’ll probably be doing that even if everything goes right. I just kinda don’t want to marry her. Especially now that I can’t even put my dick in her.”

“That’s understandable. Just uh… be careful with letting her put her ovipositor in you.”

“Um. What?”

He blinked a few times. “You don’t know? I guess she didn’t show you the breeding chambers. Though for all I know, those are just rumors. They only use the stallions once, then occasionally let them go, but they’re pumped so full of… something that their reports are usually really out there.”

“Alright, what the fuck?”

He sighed. “From how I understand it, changelings have two primary ways of giving birth. Normally, they can keep one egg inside of themselves until it hatches. But when the population is low, they need a higher birth rate than that to pick themselves back up. So they use an ovipositor to put an egg into another species, usually ponies. We still aren’t sure why they only use stallions once, though.”

“That’s extremely disturbing and I would have preferred never knowing it. Now I kinda wonder why Doppel wanted to show some of the soldiers the breeding chambers.”

“Some questions are better left unasked. If she offers, my troops will be saying no. Now, we need to gather them all up so we can go.”

“I’m not welcome in Appaloosa. It’ll have to be some of the troops that stayed on board.”

“Then I’ll go tell them. Though I have to ask, what did you do here?”

“The last time I came here, they had one of the diamond dog miners as a prisoner. I spoke with the undercover changelings and got Chrysalis involved, because he was trying to attack her and her people. They didn’t like that I gave a dog away to what they considered monsters, even though that dog attacked what they thought was a perfectly normal pony. And I was also kinda being a dick. But only kinda.”

“...What you consider only kinda, or what normal ponies consider only kinda?”

“Well, I don’t like being talked down to or considered an animal, even if it’s by accident. But I mean, if some dude walked off a train wearing clothes and wielding weapons, would your first thought be that he’s a pet?”

“No, probably not. I suppose I can understand some amount of frustration about that. And these back-country earth ponies are usually the most racist ones out there, so I can’t imagine that helped, either.”

“Some of them seemed to be, some of them didn’t. At least they weren’t as bad as the crystal ponies up in Cadance’s new place. They absolutely despise dragons and really look down on almost everything else, too. They learned to be cool with humans after I helped deep six Sombra, at least.”

“If I remember my history correctly, the crystal ponies are earth ponies that were even more racist than usual, so that makes sense. They’ll have to learn to get over that quickly if they want to make it in the new world. Anyway, I’d rather get to the hive sooner rather than later. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll begin talking to my soldiers.”

“You’re excused this time, but don’t let it happen again,” I replied with a smirk. He rolled his eyes and I let myself out, knowing my job was done.

Appaloosa wasn’t all that big, so it didn’t take too long to pick everyone up. The hardest one to obtain was Smiles, and that’s only because he was balls deep in Braeburn. I kinda wish they just left him there, but I’m not allowed to have nice things.

At least they didn’t let him cum, so he had to help Jak work on something while hella blue-balled.

About thirty minutes after we left Appaloosa, we arrived over the hive. Chrysalis and her entourage were all standing below us, right at the edge of the hole leading down. Since I’m a nice guy, I flew on down to meet her. Watcher sent me an escort of two guards, probably just to make an appearance.

Of course, Chrysalis smiled widely as soon as she saw me. “So the prodigal human returns to me once more,” she warmly said.

“I just can’t stay away, Chryssi,” I replied. “Sometimes, Doppel just isn’t enough bugpony for me.”

“Well, it’s certainly nice to know you’ve been thinking about me. Though I’d definitely prefer to hear that you’ve been thinking about my offer instead.”

“I’m afraid it’s an offer that’s impossible, at the moment. I can’t be a king because I don’t have a penis anymore.”

Of course, that got her attention. “What?”

“I pissed off some dick named Discord and he used a cursed artifact to turn me into a female. I’m still trying to find a way back. But until I do, I can’t really be a king.”

As soon as I said the name Discord, her smile just disappeared. “Discord. You’re sure?”

“Yep. He stole some stuff called the elements of harmony from Celestia and hid them along my path. I’m here to grab something else that’ll hopefully help stop him.”

“...Discord. And you want to help stop him?”

“Yeah. Dude’s a fucking prick. Turned me into a chick, killed off the alicorns apparently, killed off the human race, messed with Taya, and honestly, he’s really kinda ugly. I want to fuck that bitch up.”

“...I see. Well, all the resources of the changeling kingdom shall be at your beck and call. I… and the entire changeling race… have a large desire and need to see him stopped.”

“What did he do to you guys?” I asked, hoping to finally hear more of that story.

“He created us,” she quietly replied.

“He what now?”

She shook her head. “We can talk later. Let’s get you and your troops into the hive. There’s not enough room to accommodate them all in the palace, but there are other places they can be housed.”

“We’re going to need some help getting them all down. Most don’t have wings. Some can teleport, but without knowing where they’re going…”

“I can send more drones to the surface to assist. If you would like, you may come with me while I get them.”

“Works for me. I doubt Watcher or Gourd will need my help moving a few people. Shadow, Fog, head up there to let them know what’s what.”

“Yes sir,” they both said with nods and spread wings. Right after, they took off.

I turned back to Chryssi with a smile. “Well then, want to show me your moist, dark cave?”

“Happily.” She spread her cute dragonfly wings and started flying into the tunnel. Half of her guards and I followed. We took the same curves and zig-zags as last time and finally ended up back above the large hive. “Welcome back to Alpha Hive, Navarone,” she said with a large smile that perfectly showed off her fangs.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Nine—Return of the Dead

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Nine—Return of the Dead

Aside from several dozen more lights, the hive didn’t seem to have changed at all. The buildings were the same, there wasn’t any real noise, and changelings still walked the streets like normal. Although as I got closer, I did notice one strange thing.

“Is that a pony on a leash?” I asked as we flew. The stallion’s tail was wagging as he happily followed the guard leading him.

“It is,” she confirmed. “I found that it was inefficient to have all the changelings come to one or two sections of the city to eat, so I started sending the food to them. All it takes is letting the love poison wear off from its original target, and then using it on a guard. Then we just have the guard tell the pony that they always wanted a perfect pony pet. It seems to… change their minds, and they exude love for anything that gives them affection. And of course, the guards can play with their pet how they like.”

“That is extremely creepy. Is the mental change permanent?”

“I don’t know. I also don’t care. When Celestia gave me these prisoners, she told me I could do with them as I would, as long as I didn’t harm any of their bodies permanently. This may harm their mind, but I believe it is a change for the better. After all, these ponies were prisoners for a reason. It is likely their original minds had little worth saving.”

I might have to keep Kat on the ship… “Whatever.”

“You do not approve? And yet it was your idea to give us these prisoners in the first place. Is this not less cruel than keeping them locked up and constantly away from their poisoned loves?”

“I’m not evil, Chrysalis. Not like you and Celestia. I’m definitely not a good person, but I’m not evil. I don’t like seeing anyone suffer. I know you and your kind are parasites, but I just wish there was a better way. A more mutually beneficial way. Because this idea I had was evil, and it makes me feel dirty. I definitely don’t approve, despite knowing it’s the only way we have.”

“If you live as long as we have, you’ll come to understand that Celestia isn’t evil. She’s amoral. The needs of the many over the needs of the few. It benefits her ponies to have us placated more than the loss of those prisoners hurts her ponies.”

“I like that you stopped trying to hide that you’re evil.”

She sighed. “When I was first given this curse, I never expected my future to be laid out like this. I tried to be a kind mother. Truly, I did. But seeing so many of your children starve hardens your heart. And in time, I came to enjoy the suffering of those that caused my children to die. I may have become evil, but never think for a moment that I started that way.”

“I never did. But I gotta say, this conversation escalated far too quickly, for us not even having made out yet.”

“That can certainly be fixed, my lovely little human.”

“Please don’t do that ‘my little whatever’ bullshit Celestia uses on her horses. It’s really degrading.”

“It’s meant to be endearing, not condescending.” She finally started landing, since we were getting close to the palace gates. “But I can certainly see how you could consider it that way.” When we hit the ground, she fluttered her wings once before continuing to walk inside. I followed, of course; what else was I supposed to do, after all? “So what brings you to the hive, Navarone? Doppel told me that you need to dig for something. You told me you need something to defeat Discord. Did you find proof of some manner of artifact near here?”

“Not an artifact. A prisoner. The last time I was here, giant ants attacked. When we followed their tunnel, we found a big cavern with a giant spider in it. That thing chased me and ended up cracking open a tunnel that I fell through. On the other side was an ancient prisoner, bound by Discord for ages. She believes that she and her sisters can help us beat him.”

“...When we scouted through there the next time, we didn’t see any offshoots from that cavern, aside from the one leading to the ant nest.”

“It’s a self-repairing prison, according to her. The damage healed itself.”

“I see. And you’re sure you weren’t just delirious?” she asked. “Getting hit by a giant spider could do that.”

“Oh, I’m quite positive. I found several of her sisters already. They’ll be the ones freeing her.” We were walking deeper and deeper into the palace. All the changelings we passed eyed the two of us, but none seemed to bow or make any motion of obeisance.

“They have their work cut out for them,” she said with a small snort of derision. “We collapsed those tunnels and that cavern after we looted everything of value from the ant tunnels.”

Oh boy. “Why?”

“Our food supply supports our current population and the current land we have right now is sufficient. Leaving that tunnel open would risk other monsters accessing our home, with no one to guard the old ant mound. Collapsing it was the best option. Should we ever need to greatly expand, we can clear it and smooth it out ourselves, then retrofit the old ant mound to better suit our needs.”

“But in the meantime, I’m shit outta luck,” I sighed.

“Not entirely. As I said before, the might and resources of the changeling race are behind you. If it needs to be cleared, it will be cleared. However, you will not be needed for the clearing process. I will grant you diggers and permission to mine in my territory under the condition that you stay in the hive with me until the task is finished… and longer, if you so desire.”

“Alright, I can agree to that.”

“Excellent. Now, I wasn’t expecting to house so many ponies for so long. We do not have enough mushrooms prepared to feed them all for a week or two. They might be better off staying on your ship, if it’s not an inconvenience.”

“That’s understandable. I know a lot of them were looking forward to seeing the hive, though. I’m sure they won’t be too pissed about it as long as they can come down here every now and then.”

“They shall be granted that. I can find guides as well, so they needn’t fear getting lost or… worse. But they will likely see some disturbing sights. I still remember Twilight’s reaction when she saw the feeding chambers.”

“She isn’t here. The ones I have right now are more diplomatic. They already know about the feeding chambers anyway, but they don’t know about the… pets.”

“Hm.” She finally stopped at a door and opened it. There were two sapients on the other side, tinkering with some wires in some kind of box. “I need you two to lead a group of…” She turned to me. “Is thirty enough?”

“They can make repeat trips, if not.”

She looked back to the others. “Lead thirty drones to the surface, and then to the ship. Talk to…” She looked at me again.

“Watcher. He’s a dark grey unicorn, probably wearing armor. Older, white hair.”

She looked back. “Talk to him and tell him that his ponies are welcome in the hive, but Navarone and I will need to have a talk with him before they can explore. Use the drones to ferry all those that would like to enter the hive to the front of the palace, then lead Watcher to the throne room.”

“Yes, your majesty,” they both replied, sketching quick bows. We continued on our way through the halls as they hastened to obey.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t bred a competent ambassadorial party yet, so I have to use those that aren’t doing important tasks.”

“What about the guy you sent to spy on the governor in Detrot?” I asked. Disturbingly, the halls we were passing through were bare of anything. No decorations, no light, no color. It was a stark contrast to the brilliant castle I had just left behind.

“He has already been reassigned. Though I can’t help but wonder how you know about him. He said his cover was blown by one of the elements of harmony. One that he found himself quite obsessed with. I didn’t know Celestia had them trained so well.”

“Long story. What about the two that were trapped in Atlantis?” We hadn’t even passed any changelings on the way. I didn’t really figure she had much of a need for servants, though. Everyone else would be at their assigned stations, unwilling or unable to leave until their hours were over.

“They’re still recovering. In fact, I imagine they’d be quite happy to see you.”

“Well, I am pretty hot. I’d be happy to see me, too.”

“They definitely remember how you called them cute,” she said with a smirk.

“I mostly said that to annoy Twilight,” I replied, feeling a small blush come to my face. “But changelings are kinda adorable, honestly.”

She snorted. “And of course, all of the other changelings would also like to see and thank you, now that you’ve brought dreams to us.”

“If you’ll believe it, that was actually Twilight’s idea. Not the changelings in particular, but giving dreams to all the races. Celestia was against it.”

“Yes, I can certainly imagine that she wouldn’t want her ponies to share anything nice. Do you have little Luna’s power to enter dreams?”

“Yeah. I’ll probably be doing some dream policing while I’m here, if you don’t mind.” Her ears twitched. “We usually try to keep nightmares away and foster good dreams. Or at least, Luna does. I often go for wet dreams.”

“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me. But I would greatly prefer you not entering my subjects’ dreams. Especially if they are having a nightmare.”

“Uh, alright I guess. That’s definitely the natural way, at least. I might poke into the food ponies’ dreams, though. That should give me a decent indication of their mental and emotional states, to see if their subconscious is affected by the love poison as well.”

“Do you really want to know?”

“I don’t, but I feel a… need to. It’s my fault that they’re here. If they’re truly miserable, I should try thinking of another way for you guys to get food. Criminals or not, I don’t like causing suffering.”

“Hm. When such thoughts consume me, I try to think of the greater good. Yes, they might be suffering on the inside, but they’re helping changelings. And Celestia called for volunteers from prisons, so it’s not like they can really complain.” We finally saw a single drone hastily moving through the halls. He didn’t even look at us as we passed each other.

“And are the ponies in your breeding chambers also volunteers?”

“...We no longer use free ponies for that. And those we used before were pumped so full of opiates that they never felt any discomfort, not that there would have been much… Well, for the mares, at least. The stallions likely would have felt some initial pain, not that we often sought those out.”

“...Do I even want to know where you got opiates? Or how you know what those are?”

“Our females naturally secrete them from ovipositors that seem to only affect other races. Those we use to hold our eggs always seem extremely blissful and happy to do whatever you tell them to.”

“Your race scares me more and more every time I learn about it.”

“There is more reason than one that we live in the darkness, Nav. I left all this information out on purpose in our previous talks about the changelings. There is security in secrecy.”

“And probably a kind of solace,” I quietly said. “How many people do you know outside of changelings that are willing to hold a conversation with you? Celestia and Luna, maybe? One or two dragons? Are you worried about scaring me away?”

We walked in silence for several seconds before she scoffed. “Of course not. I’m not ashamed of what I am. If it drives you away… All the better. I have left very few alive that have seen me in a moment of weakness. If you left me and never returned… I suppose it would be one less to worry about. Besides, I’ve already seen the worst your species has to offer. I and mine pale in comparison.”

“I love you too, Chryssi.”

“I despise that nickname. My name is only one more syllable. Use it.”

“I thought your real name was two syllables.”

She stopped and very slowly turned her head to face me. “I suggest you consider your choice of words much more wisely in the future, Navarone,” she coldly replied. “There are two types of beings that know my real name: Those who are dead and those I will one day kill.”

“I’ve called you friend before, Chrysalis. And I meant it. I really want to know more about you and your past. But if you don’t want to tell me, if you never want me to know, say the word and I won’t ask. But I won’t judge you out loud for anything you’re willing to tell me.”

She stared at me in silence for an uncomfortably long time before turning her head back and continuing to walk. “So I take it Watcher is your second in command?”

“Something like that, yeah. I convinced one of Luna’s night guard groups to go with me when I left. Watcher’s in charge of it. The dude’s hella efficient. He’s definitely been around the block more than once and he’s been invaluable. The crew follows their captain, the soldiers follow Watcher, but they all follow me. Though honestly, I have no idea why. I kinda got a feeling Watcher could be leading the show a lot better than I could.”

“Perhaps. Not having met him, I couldn’t say. But if he is competent, I’d say it’s likely he’s letting you gain experience in leading. He would step in should you do something catastrophic, but until you do, he’s content to let you call the shots.”

“Sounds about right. And of course, the others I have with me probably wouldn’t follow his orders.”

“Like your dragoness toy?”

“She left after I got a vagina and then got lost in an abandoned human bunker full of horrible spirits that wanted me to join them in their hell.”

“It’s just like a dragon to leave your side when you need him most.”

“...Kumani’s a girl.”

She snorted. “Him, her, what does it matter? Dragons are unreliable. I’m not in a hurry to trust any of them again.”

“Well, I didn’t really need her all that much anyway. Or at least, there wasn’t anything she could do to help. Where I was, nothing could help me.”

“Oh? And where was this horrifying bunker?”

“The very southern tip of the planet, surrounded by a ton of regular undead. Celestia apparently sent a cleanup squad after we left to deal with it all.”

“Hm. There’s nothing I need down there anyway.” We finally entered the throne room from a side door that practically disappeared when she closed it behind us. I had actually never been there before. It was the only place in the palace aside from her own room that had decorations. Some kind of subterranean flowers lined the walls and glowing mushrooms were growing from alcoves near the ceiling. The walls were actually glittering from what I first thought was glass but then realized were actually gemstones.

We continued walking to her throne up on a tall dais. It was some kind of black stone with plush green cushions. I was only a little disturbed by the chain leading to a manacle attached to one of the legs. I would have been a lot more disturbed if there had been someone attached to it.

“I don’t think you’ve ever seen this room before, have you?” she asked as she fluttered up to take her place on the chair.

“I haven’t. It’s nice.”

“Nice compared to Canterlot?”

“Compared to that overdesigned pastel hellhole, just about anything’s nice. I fucking hate Canterlot. Don’t get me wrong, mind; that hallway we walked through was really dull. But this place is simple yet pretty. I like it.”

She smiled. “At least I’m not the only one that shares that opinion of Canterlot. My eyes see colors as fairly muted, and yet even I found that place far too colorful and bright.”

“That’s interesting. How do you know you see color differently than me? Or the ponies? Doppel didn’t even know what a smell was.”

“We might have this discussion later. As long as you’re willing to put out, at least. I still remember the last two times we met. A beautiful queen like myself is not used to being turned down.”

“It certainly wasn’t easy. And I regret it, now that I don’t have a penis anymore. We’ll have to figure something out.”

“I already have plans. Do you or your second in command require anything? Food or drink? I know how you surface races like gorging yourselves.”

“Hey, that’s not entirely fair. Every time I see you, you demand love from me.”

“I hardly make any demands. And I eat to satiety, then stop. I and my spies have seen ponies eat well past fullness, often becoming nice and plump for their efforts. Like Celestia. Before our… treaty, such ponies were usually our first targets, as it was harder for them to flee and easier for us to break them.” Before I could comment on that, she idly mused, “Though breaking the stronger ones is also rather fun…”

“Well, I’m not looking to get broken. And plumpness has its benefits, not that I can really take advantage of them anymore. Nothing like being able to grab her tail with one hand and use the other to make that booty jiggle while you rail her from behind. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m on the opposite spectrum. I’m pretty much emaciated.”

“So you’re saying that you would, in fact, like something to eat?”

“Nah. My body’s different. I don’t really need to eat that often, though Taya’s doing her best to make me. That mushroom shit you have is just awful, though, so definitely fuck that.”

“We started letting the ponies cook, so it has improved. One of them was a chef in his past life.”

“...How did a chef end up with a life sentence?”

“His forte was meat of sapient creatures.”

“Shouldn’t have asked…”

“Changelings are fairly inedible and the pony food sources are too valuable, so we only let him use mushrooms.”

“How would you even know that… actually, never mind.” She chuckled. “Alright, your giggle is far too adorable to be coming from something as evil as you are. What’s your secret?”

“Practice, of course. I have a proper evil laugh too, but nothing throws opponents off as much as doing something cute.”

“...You’re joking, right?”

Her smile deepened. “As I’ve said before, I wasn’t always evil.”

“I swear, everyone here has such interesting fucking stories to tell, but no one ever tells them. Luna’s apparently the amazonian warrior goddess, Celestia’s the political queen of the world, you’re you, Reginald’s apparently Luna’s warrior buttbuddy… Jesus, why aren’t there whole books full of your stories? Aside from Celestia’s whitewashing, of course.”

“That is the main reason. I was just as instrumental as all three of them in recreating civilization, yet I was completely forgotten. And don’t even get me started on Reginald. That monster abandoned my changelings when we needed him most and I will never forgive him.”

“Well, history forgot about him, too. And after he learned about what Luna did, he went off to hunt her down.”

“I’m disappointed he’s even alive, but then, killing him would be difficult. I’d like to have his mind broken and make him a willing food source just so I can make him lick my hooves every morning when I wake up, but he’s too dangerous for that.”

“And too large.”

“Yes, and too large… Now, do you mind being manacled to my throne when your second in command comes in?”

“Uh. I’d really rather not.”

“Just wondering.”

“...You’re not gonna be trying to do that weird shit to me the entire time I’m here, are you?”

She smiled ever so sweetly. “That depends entirely upon you, my dear Navarone. There are many things I’d be all too happy to do to you, but you are too useful to risk upsetting. But I happened to learn a fun spell that allows a nonchangeling to turn into a different species. I believe Celestia has used it on you in the past. I was considering toying with it…”

“I really, really don’t like being a pony,” I said, shuddering slightly and ruffling my feathers.

“Hm. I was considering using it to do some more public things without you losing any face. I suppose we can discuss it more later.”

“I mean, if you really want me to fuck you in public with a strapon as a horse, I’m willing to do that for you. I can be a good friend.”

Her smile dipped slightly. “As I said, we can discuss it later.”

I kinda wanted to keep teasing her, but the arrival of Watcher and Taya unfortunately ruined it. Just like they ruin everything else.

Watcher did the good diplomat thing and stopped a respectable distance away to bow lightly. Taya wasn’t having none of that shit, though, and just walked right on up to stand next to me. Chrysalis barely gave her a glance before nodding to Watcher. “Welcome to the hive,” she said. “I assume you are Watcher?”

“Yes, your majesty,” the old guy said, standing back up. “Has Navarone already discussed our plans with you?”

“He has,” Chrysalis said with a nod. “There are a few problems. We collapsed the tunnels where the… prisoner was found, so they’ll have to be dug out again. My changelings will assist. However, it will still likely take at least a week, even with your magic, and I don’t have enough pony food to sustain so many extra ponies for that long. I would prefer your troops stay on the airship until it’s time to dig, or until they would like to visit the hive. Navarone will stay with me in the hive as a liaison.” The only liaising we’ll be doing is in the bed. Unf. “If any of your soldiers would like to go sightseeing in the hive, they’ll need a guide. And they’ll also need to keep an open mind. The last time we had ponies here, some of my changelings were attacked.”

“My soldiers all have more common sense than Twilight Sparkle, your majesty. And none of us have any interest in seeing the food hall. Though I did notice a strange sight on the way in. I assume you’re using some ponies as mobile food distribution?”

“Astute. It is more efficient to bring the food to my changelings than have them go to the food. You needn’t worry about any of my changelings mistaking your troops for food, though. As long as they don’t cause trouble again, at least. I must say, I’d be quite disappointed if Navarone brought even more trouble to the hive.”

“We’ll be docile, as long as we’re left alone,” Watcher evenly replied. “We’ve all fought changelings at least once, and have no desire to do so again. Your kind are difficult and worthy opponents. We all prefer you as valuable allies than dangerous enemies.”

“Just as we prefer the ponies,” Chrysalis said with a nod. “If you would like, I can direct you toward the miners and let you assist them with planning the new tunnel. While you do that, your soldiers can get the full tour to get it out of the way.”

“That is acceptable, your highness. They’ll probably want to break into groups, though.”

“All the changelings know the city perfectly, so I have plenty of guides. And there are only so many locations they can go that are worth seeing, or wouldn’t cause a drop in efficiency to see, so it shouldn’t take too much time away from the guides.”

“Then by your leave, I will take Taya and my second in command to the miners.”

“Why do you need Taya?” I asked. She, of course, looked surprised by that as well.

“She will help with the digging,” Watcher said. “And of course, I believe the queen would like to have you alone. Or at least, I imagine that’s the kind of liaising she meant.”

“Again, astute,” Chrysalis said. “Return to your soldiers. I will have a runner bring you to the miners.”

Watcher bowed again. “Yes, your highness.” He stood back up and started walking out.

Taya sighed. “Daddy, why do you get to do everything without me?”

“This time, you can blame Watcher. But when you get to be my age and have a kid of your own, you’ll understand.”

“...I don’t think I want any foals.”

“Alright, so maybe you won’t understand. Either way, Watcher needs your help. Go be a big girl and help him.”

She hung her head and started walking back out as well. When she got to the door, she turned back to Chrysalis. “You better make my daddy squeal.” Before either of us could respond, she walked on out.

“Well, that was creepy,” I said, ruffling my feathers again.

“Your daughter is disturbingly mature for her age. I think I’m going to have her unfriendly eyes in my head the entire time I’m ravishing you…”

“So you’re saying you’ll be thinking of her the entire time you’re fucking me? I see how it is. Maybe I should go with Watcher and send her to you…”

“...Would you actually let me ravish your daughter?”

“If she wanted it and you were gentle, yes. I’m a terrible, terrible parent.”

“I don’t see how. It’s obvious you just want the best for your daughter. So of course you’d be willing to let me do it.”

Oh yeah, that’s totally it. “Uh huh. So, are we gonna send someone for Watcher or what?”

Her horn lit up and a small chime went off somewhere in the throne room. A few seconds later, a changeling entered from another hidden side door. “There are ponies in the front courtyard. Take the one called Watcher and whoever else he wants to the mining building. They have permission to use the miners to dig where they want.”

“Yes, your majesty,” the changeling said with a bow. It shortly exited the throne room from the main door, and then Chrysalis’s horn lit up again, making the chime go off.

Of course, another changeling appeared from yet another hidden door, making me wonder just how many of those things she had. “There is a group of ponies in the courtyard. Find fifteen sentients and take them to act as guides in the city. Do not take them to the food halls and do not take them anywhere the food ponies are not allowed. Listen to everything they say and report anything suspicious to me when their tours are finished.”

“Yes, my queen,” the fellow said before scuttling out.

“So now what?” I asked.

“Now, we have a long, hard conversation,” she said, fluttering down from her throne to land next to me. I leaned in for a kiss, but her horn lit up and we appeared in a sitting room that I hadn’t seen before. A very gaudy couch sat next to an empty fireplace and a large bookshelf full of shitty romance novels stood against the wall. When she gazed around, she pursed her lips and summoned a decent chair for me, setting it across from the couch. “I imagine a pony in Celestia’s castle probably just fell to the floor,” she idly said as she walked to the couch. “Sit.”

“When you said we were going to talk, I was kinda expecting sex,” I commented, walking to the chair.

“I can’t help but wonder what kind of thought process led you to that conclusion.”

“...Really wanting to have sex?”

“Pervert.” She took a moment to settle herself in amongst the plush cushions. “Though I suppose calling this a conversation is somewhat of a misnomer. I will be talking. You will be listening.”

“Well, you’re already doing better than Celestia, at least. She usually forces me to cuddle when she wants to do that.”

“Cuddling is not conducive to this type of… discourse. And I fear I might want to strangle something during the coming talk, so it might not be wise for you to be within my grasp.”

“If you try to strangle me, I can’t promise not to spank you.”

“Noted. Six thousand years ago, the alicorn race practically ruled the planet. Discord came and started destroying us. Some, he drove insane. Others, he broke into three, the original ponies.” She sighed and looked into the dark fireplace. “And he turned some into changelings.”

“Man, what a dick.”

“Celestia was a prodigy of healing magic at that time, though she was practically still a filly. I was her teacher, a midwife. A midwife that… wanted foals, but could never have them. We had heard of Discord’s actions, of course. And we saw their aftermath and did what we could to help the survivors. But a mother went into labor and we were the only pair in the area left to help her. It was a hard delivery… I still remember her pain and Celestia’s worried face. The mother didn’t make it, but the foal did. The last born alicorn. Little Luna herself… though that wasn’t her name at the time.”

“Oh, so that’s what Celestia meant when she said they weren’t actually sisters.”

“I don’t believe she ever actually told Luna. We barely had time to clean her before Discord himself showed up at the front door with an army of his monstrosities behind him. I knew I couldn’t do much, but I had to protect them… I made Celestia take the foal and run.” Her hooves started shaking slightly and her voice deepened. “When I finally met Discord, it was… a monster. You call me evil, you call me cruel. Discord is apathetic. Life means nothing to it. But it knew my weakness. It knew that I was barren and that I wanted foals of my own. It knew that and took advantage of it…”

As much as I kinda wanted to try to comfort her, I had a feeling that might end poorly. There wasn’t really much I could do anyway, aside from try to hug her or something.

“He offered me an army of foals. To make me the mother of all changelings.” She went silent for several long seconds. “I agreed,” she finally whispered. “With that came more caveats than I could have ever expected… He made me the mother of monstrosities. Parasites that survive by sucking happiness and life out of the world. Beings designed to be a mockery of all my kind once stood for. All for his sick amusement.”

Fuck it, yolo. I slid off the chair and hugged her. She barely seemed to notice, though her voice didn’t waver as much when she continued.

“There is nothing good about my kind, Nav. Changelings exist to destroy. All they… All we do is take from the world, and give nothing back.”

“That’s pretty much true of everything,” I quietly said. “Only you can define what’s worth leaving in this world, and only you can leave it. But I mean, it’s kinda hard to give anything back to the other races when you’re living in the darkness.”

“...A part of me hoped we would die like this. Isolated and alone, where no one would mourn us. Where we couldn’t hurt anyone…”

“If that’s really what you wanted, you wouldn’t have helped Celestia and Luna beat Discord. You wouldn’t have followed the ponies in the Great Migration after Grogar fixed the ice caps. You sure wouldn’t have attacked Canterlot.”

“Only a part of me wants that,” she sighed. “Discord did… something to me. I’m cursed with life. The changelings have died out before. But even without them… I can’t die. Can’t starve, though I can go so hungry I’d like to. I slowly brought them back from just myself.” Well, that explains why some of them are so stupid. “Call it selfish if you want, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be the only one of my kind left…”

Even if your kind is evil and parasitic? “I know exactly how you feel,” I sighed. “It’s… lonely.”

“I agreed to this fate. You did not,” she said, pulling away slightly.

“That doesn’t make you any less of a victim. You may have agreed to it, but only because he tricked you, capitalized on your weakness. You don’t have to be the monster you think you are. You don’t have to be the monster you see in the mirror. You might have been alone once, but you have a kingdom now. You have a stable food source. And right now, you have someone willing to help you remember who you were once. It’s not too late to be Moonbeam again.” As soon as I said that name, she flinched.

“I… tried. The last time you were here. Do you remember?”

“Yes. You were doing well.” Not really, but baby steps.

“It’s not… I’m so used to having to yell and hurt my subjects to make them follow orders correctly that I… slipped into bad habits. I tried, but without someone here… It’s been so long since I tried to be a good mother that I honestly forgot how…”

“Being nice isn’t something you forget. It’s something you repress. You just gotta get back in the groove and it’ll come naturally.”

“That’s why I wanted you to stay, Nav…”

Oh boy. “Well, I’m here now. Any time I’m not giving to Taya is yours, until we finish mining. I want to help you, Chrysalis. I want you to be happy.”

She was silent for a few moments before relaxing. “It’s weird, how I always seem to find wisdom and comfort in those that are so young…”

Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, baby. “Spending so long on one mindset narrows your perspective. It’s not because I’m young, it’s because my mind is so alien. Where you see closed doors, I see opportunities. You can change. All it takes is doing it.”

“Which is no small thing, of course.”

“But do you think it’ll be worth it?”

It took her a while to say something, and when she did, she finally returned the hug. “I think it’ll be worth it to try.”

“Good.” We fell silent for around a minute. “So uh… when I let go, are you gonna kill me for using your real name?”

“If I had time to properly dispose of the body, I would,” she sarcastically replied as she used magic to lift me to my feet, placing me a meter away from her. “As it is, we have royal duties to which we must attend.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to keep cuddling?”

“What I want is so very rarely what I need,” she said, standing. “Our destination is on the far side of the hive, so we need to leave now.”

“We could just teleport, you know,” I commented as we started walking.

“I am rarely as lazy as the ponies. And spending time above the hive is wise. It occasionally enables me to find problems before they become serious. This will also enable us to see how the ponies are doing.”

“Alright, whatevs.”

She shook her head sadly. “Navarone, you are ranked too highly to use such… subspeak. You should stick to speaking properly.”

“Chillax, girlie. Ain’t no thing but a g-string.”

“There are times when your obstinate refusal to see sense infuriates me.”

“That’s part of the reason I do it, silly. You’re cute when you’re mad. And when you’re not.”

“...Somehow I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking you to stay by my side.”

“You know you love it.”

“Feh.” We were nearing the end of a hallway. Instead of a staircase or even a wall, there was just an empty doorway leading outside. She stopped at it, just staring into the hive. After a few moments, she quietly said, “Thank you for listening, Nav.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“...And if you tell anybody else, I’ll wipe your mind and use you as a cuddle pillow.”

“There are worse fates.” She snorted, spread her wings, and jumped out of the window. When her skinny ass was out of the way, I joined her in the air. “So how’s the electricity going? I see some more lights this time.”

“It’s going well, though we’ve hit a few bottlenecks. It’s difficult to generate without enough running water or a stable heat source. We don’t have any coal or oil. We’re using magic in some places, but I would rather avoid it.”

If only you could use pump stacks to bring magma up here. “All you really need is heat. Wood can work on a small scale. Or, if you have enough time and care little enough about the lives of some drones, you could divert an entire surface river toward the cave. Or just start mining out and try to find more underwater rivers to tap into. Or, god help you, just dig deep enough until you actually find magma, then harvest it down there and use wires to transfer the energy to the hive.”

“Part of why I was so quick to agree to help you is because I was considering opening that tunnel back anyway to see if diverting the ant water source would be possible. We’ll just do it ahead of schedule.”

“Might want to make sure you aren’t going to kill Appaloosa, though. I don’t know where they draw their water, so if you divert something too badly, you might seriously mess with them.”

“That will be taken into consideration.”

“I mean it, Chrysalis. Part of being a better person is respecting your allies.”

“I said that it will be taken into consideration, Navarone.”

“Yeah, and what you meant is that you’d immediately disregard their needs.”

“Do not put meaning in my words where there is none. You don’t like those mudponies anyway.”

“That doesn’t mean they deserve to have their livelihoods destroyed.”

“Tch. It won’t interfere anyway. Do you really think even ponies would be dumb enough to build on top of a giant ant mound?”

“...Is that a trick question?”

“Fair enough.”

We were starting to come up on one of the walls of the cavern, which kinda made me wonder just where we were headed. There weren’t any buildings or changelings out here, but there did seem to be some kind of well-worn path heading to where we were going. “If you’re taking me to a rape dungeon, please be gentle and know I don’t like anal at all.”

“Noted.”

When we got close enough, I was finally able to tell that the path led toward an ornate door inlaid into the rock. It was the only side passage I had seen in the hive that had a doorway, so I figured it had to be something special or important. Or, as I kinda suspected, it actually was a rape dungeon, and she just wanted to be able to lock it behind her.

Whatever it was, I felt some kind of foreboding building up in me as I got closer.

“This shouldn’t take too long,” she commented as we started landing. “But I ask that you not speak unbidden while we are inside. This is a place of resting.”

“...Alright I guess. Don’t really know why you want me around if I can’t talk, but whatever.”

“You may speak when spoken to, but silence rules within.” We touched down and she inserted one of her hooves into the lock. After a few seconds, the door clicked and she slowly pulled it open. When it was wide enough for the two of us to fit inside, the lock released her and we walked on in.

Rather than the electric light that seemed prevalent in the main hive, this place was lit by candles and lanterns. My head started aching as soon as I got in, so I figured some of them were probably heavily scented, though I couldn’t smell anything offhand. The right and left walls each had a single column. The left one had dozens of tiny words carved into it from top to bottom. There was only a single changeling in the entrance room, and he bowed as soon as he saw Chrysalis.

We continued walking, and as soon as we got close to the changeling, he stood and started leading the way further into the strange area. The arched doorway led straight to a larger room, also lit by candles and lanterns. A changeling so old that his carapace looked somewhat grey stood in front of a column in the center of the room. His horn was glowing and a small spot on the very bottom of the column was lit up to match. The younger changeling from the door led us to him, then bowed again and walked back to the entrance room.

It didn’t take too long for the old guy to finish. When he did, he turned and saw us. He didn’t even bother bowing. “It is done, your majesty.”

“We will put it in the Hallway of Remembrance shortly, elder. Take us to the records. I need to review them.”

He nodded once and started walking to the only other door in that room. I decided to walk behind Chrysalis so I could stare at her ass, since it’s not like I was doing anything anyway. The next area branched off into three doors. The old guy and Chrysalis started walking to the one on the left. I took a second to look at the other two. The one on the right was some kind of studded metal door and I felt a strange heat coming to my skin when I gazed upon it. The other door was made of white marble, and seemed to draw my eyes.

I unwittingly felt myself walking toward that one, the sense of foreboding I felt disappearing. Something about it seemed to pull me in, make me wonder what was on the other side, though each step I took made my head seem to pound more and more. I heard someone calling something from the other side, something that sounded kinda like my name.

When I got to it, I saw that it had the same lock that the previous door had. I started to turn to ask Chrysalis to open it for me, but the thing slowly swung open on its own. Despite knowing that was a bad sign, I couldn’t stop myself from walking in, the headache growing worse and worse.

This next passage was a long hallway, lined by the same kinds of columns from the main room and the one in the center of the other room, but each of these were covered in words. There was no light, though my eyes ached from the pounding in my head anyway.

But that didn’t matter, because my feet were taking me to the end of the long hallway instead. The columns weren’t whispering to me. They weren’t calling my name, bidding me ever forward.

The heat I felt from looking at the other room was starting to be replaced by an eldritch chill that seemed to crawl over my skin and settle into my bones as I wandered further into the darkness. I felt myself wanting to stop and wished Flo would help me or kill the agony in my head, but my body was moving on its own, dragged by something outside my understanding.

Or perhaps by something that wanted me dead.

As I got closer to the end, the whispers started growing louder, though I still couldn’t really understand what they were saying over the pain in my head. I did start making out more voices, though. Many, many more. Dozens. Hundreds. Thousands. And whatever they were saying slowly started to coalesce as all the voices began to join as one.

When I finally got to the end of the hallway, I beheld a great abyss, a chasm of darkness with no end in sight. No roof, no walls, no floor, no light. And the voices were finally coherent, making me realize something very horrifying.

Ava and Nav sound eerily similar.

The voices were just chanting “Ava” over and over again. Thousands in unison, each one a screw digging into my already aching head. My hands went to both sides of the doorway, trying to hold myself up against the tide of thoughts crashing into me.

After battering me for what felt like an eternity, the restless spirits finally started falling silent. But I still felt their eyes upon me, until the last voice ceased its whispering. My head suddenly stopped hurting and I felt a sense of clarity.

Then all the voices spoke up at once. “Return to us, Ava. Die with us, Navarone.”

The voice was too compelling. I felt my fingers slipping from the doorway and I started falling into the pit of darkness.

Something arrested my fall moments after it started and dragged me out of the darkness, only to drop me on the floor. My eyes barely registered a look of rage across Chrysalis’s face when she moved into view, before she saw my eyes. “What…? Nav?”

One of my hands grabbed her closer hoof and she flinched back, trying to pull away. “What is this place?” I hissed.

“This room is where we remember our dead. That… chasm is where we throw their ashes. Why are your eyes blue? And why are you so cold?”

“I’m possessed,” I sighed, letting her go and relaxing on the floor. “When I went through that bunker in the south, some kind of spirit hooked onto my body. She… takes over occasionally. And it looks like the undead can influence me through her.”

“Well, they almost killed you. That fall would have been quite lethal. Though I don’t know why the changeling dead would bear you any ill will.”

“It’s a long and sad story that I don’t want to talk about while I’m on the floor.” I started to stand, but she put a hoof on my chest.

“I will send you back to the palace. I’m not going to risk them tricking you into the crematorium next. Though I don’t know how you even got the lock open.”

“With enough concentrated hate, anything is possible. Are my eyes green again?”

“Yes. I will see you shortly.” Her horn lit up and I teleported right onto her comfy bed.

“Well, that was a nice way to get out of doing stuff,” I said, relaxing.

“I would hardly call it nice,” Flo replied. “You nearly died. I couldn’t even take over to stop you. You might not be so lucky, next time. I suggest staying away from cemeteries and memorial halls.”

“Well, if she had told me that’s where we were going, I definitely wouldn’t have gone, just in case. Remind me to punch Watcher again, too. Haunt minds my ass. Also, is there a reason you’ve been so quiet? Dealing with Chrysalis was weird on my own.”

“You did a good job on your own. That’s mainly the reason I stayed silent. If you don’t need my advice and my commentary might be distracting, why would I speak up? You took a few risks that I probably wouldn’t have tried, but they paid off. But that isn’t what should be concerning you right now. We absolutely must find some way to deal with Ava. It might be time to risk going back into Athena’s maze.”

“If she didn’t know how to get rid of it, what makes you think there’s a book in there that’ll tell me how?”

“Not tell you how, no. But maybe there’s one that will lead you to someone who can. In the… visions you had in the maze, Grogar seemed disinterested in harming others unless they sought to harm him. There’s a chance he might be willing to help you, if he’s still alive.”

“And there’s a chance he might disintegrate me on sight. And even if he wouldn’t, I’d still have to get to him, and if he’s still alive, he probably picked the most dangerous place possible to put down his new base so less people would bother him. Something definitely needs to be done, but I don’t think going to Grogar is the right idea.”

“It’s the only idea we have.”

“There might be a coven of necromancers in the mage tower.”

“Necromancy is banned. And even if it wasn’t, I rather doubt there would be any ponies that know more about it than Celestia or Athena. At least, not any with a normal life span. Grogar is supposedly a lich, so he’s had plenty of time to dedicate solely to necromancy. He’d probably know more than anyone else that we know about. It’s not a good option, but it’s the option we have.”

I sighed. “God dammit. Think I should send a letter to Celestia first?”

Of course, Chrysalis chose that moment to walk in. “A letter about what? And to whom do you speak?”

“An artificial intelligence created by humans that lives in my bloodstream. I want to ask if Celestia knows where Grogar the lich is, or if he’s still alive.”

“He hasn’t been alive for a long time, but I believe he is still active. The last I heard of him, Celestia sent him an ultimatum demanding that he go to Tartarus. That was… ages ago. Why would you want to see him?”

“To see if he can pull this asshole ghost out of me. Celestia couldn’t, an ancient goddess of knowledge couldn’t, and she refuses to leave on her own. But I’m not gonna go into Tartarus for it.”

“Wise. It sounds like you have been busy since last we spoke.”

“Oh yeah. Found a magic antique store that gave me stuff to help in my fight against Discord, got attacked by an assassin from Discord, helped Cadance kill Sombra in the Crystal Empire, found out the secret behind South America, became a queen, was a pawn in the clash of goddesses, got cursed by Discord into a female body, found Atlantis, got sucked into an ancient evil human bunker, and then got embroiled in Canterlot politics.”

“So the Crystal Empire is back… Interesting. Well, you might as well start from the top.”

“Want to lie down? This bed is pretty comfy.”

“I know how your dirty hands like to reach and grab. I would like to stay unsullied for the moment, thank you. It will make claiming you all the more sweet when it’s time.” She used magic to drag another ornate and fluffy couch over so she could drape herself over it.

“Hot. Don’t really know how to begin.”

“The important things that happened after we last saw each other in Stalliongrad.”

“Alright. Once upon a time…” She used magic to slap me. “Just joking, god. A few days after you tortured me by telling Kumani why I left, shit got weird…”

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty—As if There Wasn't Enough Weird Shit

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty—As if There Wasn't Enough Weird Shit

By the time I finished telling Chrysalis all that had transpired since last we met, it was nearing night. The only reason I knew that is because she had the only clock in the hive in her room; it’s pretty hard to tell time in a cave.

“It’s definitely been an experience,” I said. “Not one I’m eager to repeat.”

“I can certainly imagine why. Being a queen is a stressful thing, especially to have it cast upon you so suddenly. I think I would quite like to meet this Brook, too.”

“Unfortunately, she’s currently too useful to murder. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be anything left for you to meet.”

“Oh, I’m well aware. I just want to ask her why she thought to make herself a goddess instead of a queen.”

Flo hijacked my mouth. “I can actually answer that. Or at least, I can make a speculation. We were created by humans, but we were never meant to be permanent fixtures. We weren’t meant to lead, we were meant to guide. That is why we cannot do any of what I once considered our miracles without payment; our creators didn’t want the sapient life that flocked to us to rely totally on us. I believe the goal was to wean them away from human influences, which might also be why the dream machine shut off. If we act as gods and goddesses rather than direct leaders, we can try to guide our subjects while still granting them autonomy.”

“...There is merit in that,” Chrysalis said with a nod. “Though I don’t understand fully why your goal was to guide and not lead. It seems foolish.”

“Humanity died off,” Flo replied. “They didn’t want to guide anyone down a path that they knew led to failure. Especially if great strife and conflict would result from it, leading to a resurgence of Discord’s power.”

“I see. So you believe he grows stronger the more fighting there is in the world?”

“Absolutely,” I said, though I think Flo would have said the same. “Judging by some of the history we’ve found, every time he makes a grand reappearance, it’s due to some great act of violence or something like that. Though it’s unclear if he’s the cause of the strife and just revels in it or if the conflict is what gives him the power. Given his nature and age, I’d say he’s some kind of spirit. Given the name he gave himself and the role he takes, I’d say his power waxes and wanes with the rise and fall of discord in the world. When there’s peace, the dude’s weak. When there’s war and everyone’s fighting everyone else, he’s strong.”

“So when I attacked Canterlot…?”

“We don’t know when he got free,” I said. “I know his prison was in Canterlot, though. So for all we know, it might have been your fault. But it could have just as easily been something else. I know I’m hardly blameless. Maybe he felt one of his old enemies around and about and broke out to investigate. Maybe it’s just my mind or my species that’s discordant enough to give him power. Hell, if we’re going to list all the maybes, maybe he brought me here as some kind of cruel joke and is just playing around with everyone.”

“...Discord is a master puppeteer.”

“Exactly. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he delivered the catalyst for your invasion, trying to get more power by making you attack the ponies. There’s also the rebellion in Egypt and a bunch of other stuff that’s happened that caused violence. Shit’s been mad cray, yo. So no, I don’t blame you for him escaping. And I don’t think Celestia does, either.”

“The thought hardly worried me. Now, I grow hungry. And you likely need to speak with Watcher. Return to the palace as soon as you are finished.”

“I could feed you.”

“I know. But I also have things to take care of. I am a queen, after all. You can satisfy my needs later.”

“...Alright, I guess. And I assume you don’t want Taya coming back with me?”

“We are going to be flying around the hive quite a lot in the coming days. Having to bring drones to ferry her about would be annoying and inefficient. If you believe she would be of use, I will deal with her. Otherwise, I’d prefer that she help the miners.”

“Okay. Where’s the mining guild or whatever? I assume Watcher is still there.”

“I suggest standing.” I did so without a word, knowing better than to question something with magic. Sure enough, she teleported me out without another word. I appeared right in front of a bat pony that proceeded to bump into me before he could stop himself.

“I know you guys like bumping and grinding, but not on my virginal body, please,” I said, tousling his hair.

“Didn’t see you there, sir,” the guard said, lowering his head and backing away. “Are you looking for Watcher?”

“Yeah. Is this the miner place?” I hadn’t really had a chance to look around yet, so I finally looked away from the guard. We were in front of a short and relatively narrow protrusion sticking out of the ground. The guard had just been walking out of a doorway, and I could see a spiral staircase leading down behind him. Oddly enough, the place was on the ground floor of the hive, and yet it had an entire block to itself.

“Yes sir, this is it. Not much to look at from the outside, but the place is a damn maze on the inside. Very intricate and kinda impressive. Whatever else you can say about the changelings, they can definitely make and stick to a plan.”

“I gotta ask, what is it about my swears that made you guys start using them? I’ve heard Watcher and Gilda both using fuck, and now you’re using damn. What’s up with that?”

“We don’t really have many words that fit, and you use yours so often with such enthusiasm that we just kinda pick them up, I guess.”

“Fucking weird. Whatever, bitch. Where’s Watcher?”

“Back on the ship.”

“God dammit.”

“None of us know the first thing about mining, so we all figured we’d just get in the way. There are enough changelings to have the entire tunnel dug out in days anyway. I’m just the go-between for Watcher and the miners. Though we probably could have just used one of the smarter changelings for that, too. Or a dumber one, with notes.”

“What about Taya? Is she also up there?”

“As far as I know.”

“Good. Unfortunately, Chrysalis is addicted to my hot bod, so she wants me to stay in the caverns tonight.”

“In the caverns… or in her cavern?”

“Alright, maybe it’s not so unfortunate. Do we have an ETA on the dig?”

“Anywhere between three and seven days. The tunnel is perfectly sealed up, but the changelings aren’t certain if the cavern we’re looking for also collapsed. If it did, or if parts of it came down, that’ll be the seven days. They should be able to have the tunnel cleared in three, assuming nothing goes wrong.”

“Which is something you always gotta assume,” I sighed.

“We’ve noticed the same thing, sir. Do you have any messages? Or do you want Watcher to send guards? I think Spike and the cat both wanted to come down to make sure you’d be alright.”

“I don’t need guards. I’m going to be with Chrysalis almost the entire time I’m here, and she’s kinda evil. I don’t want guards having to listen to the conversations that are going to inevitably pop up between us. I definitely don’t want Spike to hear it. Just do me a favor and bring my sword down some time tomorrow. Doubt I’ll need it, but just in case. Oh, and have Taya prepare a few sets of clothes for me and bring those as well.”

“Yes sir. Need anything else?”

“Is Watcher just going to keep the ship up there? Or is it going back to Appaloosa?”

“Pretty sure he’s going to keep it here, in case we’re needed or something happens. He mentioned something about giant ants? I don’t know. I’m pretty happy to be stationed down here, at least. I hate being in the wastes. But it’s nice and cool underground.”

“And plenty of changelings probably willing to fuck you for the slightest chance at some fresh love or lust.”

He smiled widely. “I wasn’t going to mention it, but yes.”

I smiled right back. “Just remember that a good chunk of them are probably actually dudes. They can change their gender at will.”

His smile dipped. “They… can?”

“Oh yeah. I still remember the first time Doppel turned into a dude when I was balls deep in her ass. I didn’t realize what that floppy thing was until it was leaking cum all over both of us.”

“...Um.”

“Have fun!”

“I hate you so much sometimes, sir,” he sighed, shaking his head.

I turned and started walking off. “Watch out for trannies,” I called over my shoulder as I left. He didn’t reply.

Chrysalis probably wasn’t expecting me back all too soon, so I decided to take a look around the hive, maybe see what changes had been made. And it was also kinda nice to be away from her for a little while, because she always smells funny. I think changelings don’t know how to shower properly since they can’t really smell anything.

There were more changelings out than usual, and almost all of them were flying. Since it was getting late, I figured most of them were probably heading home or something. After about a minute of watching them in the skylanes above me, I started to notice a pattern. All the changelings flying in one direction stayed around a certain height. That way, there would be no worry of collisions. The same pattern existed in the intersections, meaning they didn’t have to worry too much about stopping, aside from having to ‘change lanes’ when they turned.

After I figured out that pattern, I realized it was pretty unnecessary with such a big, empty headspace above them. Why confine yourself to lanes when you could go directly where you wanted without much need for traffic? It would be more chaotic, but also more efficient, and Chrysalis seemed to be all about efficiency.

It was about then that I saw a group of changelings in armor flying well overhead, in the upper area. That led me to figure they probably used that space for military and emergency purposes. We used the upper space when Chrysalis took me on the patrol to the ant tunnel and it got a lot of use when the ants attacked, so that was definitely it.

That mystery presumably solved, I went back to wandering aimlessly.

Not seeing any signs in front of the buildings was somewhat disconcerting, but since most changelings didn’t know how to read, it wasn’t all that surprising. But you’d think they could at least put up pictures showing what was inside. Then again, if changelings can follow pheromone scents and know someone’s profession based on that, they didn’t really need signs to tell them what was inside certain buildings. And given the lack of visitors, putting up signs was a waste of time and resources.

Before I could ruminate more on the differences in culture, something tapped twice on my butt. I turned around and, as I expected, a changeling was standing there, staring at me with a creepy, unblinking gaze. “You are Navarone,” it said.

“Yes, I am. Did you need something, or did you just want to cop a feel?”

“We require assistance and one of the mages assigned to our expedition group thinks you can help.”

“I’m not here for an expedition.”

“We do not believe it will take long. The location is very nearby and all we need is for you to deliver something.”

“Nah, no one ever needs something that simple. Not from me. What’s the catch?”

“All those that attempted to explore the location to which you need to make a delivery were paralyzed and put to sleep. We removed them with magic and when they got a certain distance away, they woke up with temporary amnesia. Attempts to move the item into the area via magic failed. We believe you are better suited to this task.”

“Why? Does this stuff only affect changelings?”

“The location is a resource-heavy copse of mushrooms that we’ve ignored until now, due to not needing the minerals within. Due to recent events, we have discovered a use and need for them. We believe the mushrooms are passively releasing some manner of airborne toxin that incapacitates their victims. From the reports we have, you are immune to plant and animal toxins. If this proves false, we will pull you away with magic and find another way to obtain what we need.”

“Alright, yeah. That actually does sound pretty easy.” Though I already had a feeling it was just going to go wrong or get overly complicated. “What do you need me to deliver?”

“An enchanted item that will bathe the location in flames.” And there’s the complication. “We believe this will kill most of the mushrooms and burn away the toxins from the air.”

“If you couldn’t move the item into the area with magic, are you sure a magical item will work?”

“No. But from experimentation, it will not explode in the area prematurely. If it fails, we’ll have you deliver a toxin of our own to kill off the mushrooms. We can wait for the poisons to dissipate naturally, then.”

It sounds easy. Flo?

“You might as well. Even if it’s some manner of animal releasing the toxins, it should be relatively harmless to you. If nothing else, I can assist and ensure nothing goes wrong.”

The fellow took my internal conversation as hesitation, and added, “You will be compensated, if required. We would not seek to waste your time without something gained.”

“I’ll help. You guys got a long rope or something I could tie around myself in case I get into the mushrooms and then the poison takes effect?”

“Yes. Come with me.” As we started walking, the thought finally occurred that he might be trying to lead me away to hurt me or something, but I pushed that away. I was in the hive and Flo usually had pretty good sense motive checks, so I wasn’t too worried.

I did notice something while he was talking, though. “You have a good vocabulary. I figured changeling schools wouldn’t focus too much on that.”

“I attended a university in Equestria. Most sapients and upper sentients do.”

“Sapient’s another name for Intelligentsia?”

“It’s the name used by the sentients. And the sapients that don’t think too highly of themselves, not that there are many of them.”

“Huh. I didn’t really figure there was much class rivalry here.”

“I imagine you wouldn’t.”

From an outsider looking in, it’s not that obvious. And if all I see is what Chrysalis shows me… “Now that the food supply is relatively stable, hopefully the different classes will slowly stop existing.” He didn’t reply. “You don’t think so?”

“I do not.”

“Why?”

“A large, expendable source of labor that doesn’t know how to say no is extremely valuable. And worse, it would be against the interest of the sapients to mold the three together, because they would lose their status as special and valuable.”

Oh, so that’s the score. “And you don’t think Chrysalis would step in?”

“I do not.”

I probably wouldn’t have too much faith in her either, actually. “You don’t think she has your best interests at heart?”

“I think she has what she thinks are the best interests for the species as a whole at heart. That might not necessarily coincide with what I think are our best interests. It’s an unpleasant dichotomy at times.”

“Yeah, I know all about that. It’s hard, being a human in a pony’s world.” He didn’t reply.

We were still in the city, but we were getting near its outskirts, where I could actually see the ceiling of the cavern. The buildings around us were still squat, plain, and ugly, but that’s true for pretty much all of the hive. Eventually, he turned down an alleyway that sloped down. When we turned the corner around the building, I found that it was a ramp leading deeper into the cavern. The building continued down with us, with the occasional door leading inside. Soon, the muted sounds from the hive were replaced by the dull echoes of our footsteps.

“Do you miss Equestria?” I finally asked.

“No. It’s too loud, in every sense of the word. There are too many… sensations. The colors are too vibrant. The ponies touch too much. The lights are too bright and the sky is too open. And the noise is… awing. Those of us who spend too long there come back changed… if they come back at all.”

“Well, at least there are some that still want to come back. Seems like a lot of the ones I meet on the outside are all too happy to stay there.”

“Selfishness is not generally a trait the hive fosters. Unless you’re a sapient and you are allowed nearly anything you desire.” It’s funny how it’s almost always those on the bottom that hate the class system.

The dude really didn’t seem to want to talk, so I finally left him alone. It was nice having an opinion to listen to that wasn’t Chrysalis’s or Doppel’s, though.

After about five minutes of walking down, we came upon a door carved away from the building. We went through it and followed a short tunnel that opened up into a decently sized cavern. A small group of changelings was right on the other side of the tunnel and a large copse of mushrooms so tall they looked like trees grew on the far side. There’s no telling how old they were or what kind they were, but I could tell that several of them were different colors.

“So he agreed?” one of the changelings asked.

“I did,” I replied. “I’m supposed to take a magic bomb into the mushrooms?”

“Correct.” The changeling’s horn lit up and a small wooden orb floated from a pillow up to me. “When you get to the center, twist the top, place it on the ground, and leave. It should explode half an hour after you place it.”

“That’s not gonna damage the resources you guys need, will it?”

“No, the copper will be fine.”

“Alright, cool. Do you have a rope or something?”

He nodded and turned to a group of drones. “Outfit him with a rope.” They leaped to obey, quickly grabbing a rope and looping it around me a few times before tying it. The thing was long enough that they should easily be able to pull me from one side of the cavern to the other without any difficulties. “Are you prepared?”

“Just one more thing. There aren’t any animals in there I should worry about, right? I mean, I figure there shouldn’t be, but…”

He shook his head. “As far as our magic scans have shown, there is only fungi living within the copse. But animals should ignore you anyway, correct?”

“Yeah, probably. But when you’ve been attacked by demonic undead that want to steal your soul, you stop worrying about things that should be and concern yourself more with avoiding things that might be.”

“True, I suppose. But we believe it to be clear. If you’d like, you may carry a drone and use it as bait or a distraction.”

“...I’ll be fine.” Honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d offer. I decided to just start walking toward the shrooms. Feeling the rope trail behind me was a little weird, but whatever.

Soon enough, I got to a flag set up in the dirt. I assumed that was the closest you could get without being affected by the sleep stuff. That didn’t worry me too much, so I just kept going.

When I got to the base of the first mushroom, I very strongly considered twisting the cap on the thing and throwing it inside, so I didn’t have to worry about running into anything. But I didn’t know its radius or if it absolutely had to be in the center, so I sighed and kept going.

The mushroom forest got pretty thick fairly quickly, so it wasn’t too long before I had to start pushing between the stalks to get through. They were soft and mushy, so it wasn’t too annoying, but there’s no way the changelings would have been able to see me from outside. I decided that getting out as quickly as possible after setting the timer would be a good idea, in case something went wrong.

Finally, I saw a bioluminescent mushroom in front of me, unlike any of the others. When I pushed past it, I found myself in a small glade, surrounded by them, including a fairy circle of much smaller mushrooms in the middle. Those usually denote central areas of the infestation, so I figured that was as good a place as any.

Before I could set up the bomb, I heard a small giggle. “Aww shit,” I sighed, my wings and shoulders sagging.

“Welcome to the deep, tree sister,” something whispered. I almost set the timer then and there so I could book it, but I’m an idiot.

When I didn’t respond, a shape started rising out of the circle. The thing’s ‘hair’ was a mushroom top, making it look like she was wearing a funny hat. Her face was vaguely humanoid, though her eyes had no pupils and her mouth didn’t open when she spoke. She had some kind of bumps on her chest that could be seen as breasts and her back had leaf-like wings jutting out. Her arms ended in finger-like protrusions, though they only had one joint each. Her legs weren’t jointed at all, though she didn’t have any trouble bending them. And they ended in hooves instead of feet, because why not, right?

Before I could come up with some kind of response in my head other than ‘what the fuck are you?’, she lunged forward and hugged me warmly, letting me feel how strangely squishy her body was. “Ahh, you smell of warmth and sunlight, dearest sister.”

Since I didn’t know what to do or what this thing was capable of, I decided to humor it and gently hug her back. Flo, what the absolute fuck is this thing?

“I have no idea. Just play along, see what you can learn. If she becomes hostile, her body is squishy enough that you can kick her in half, drop the bomb, and run.”

Joy of joys.

A few seconds after the hug got awkward, the abomination pulled away. “What brings you to my darkness, sister? Is your grove blighted? Do you need me to whisper to the fungi?”

“I am merely visiting, sister. But I’m afraid I have a portent most dire. There are those that seek to intrude upon your beautiful copse and destroy it.”

“Is that what those silly parasites are doing?” she mused, staring down the path from which I came. “I was merely putting them to sleep. Perhaps I should start killing them instead. They would make such wonderful fertilizer!”

“I spoke to them as I came here. They seem mainly interested in a few minerals in the area. Do you think you could bargain with them, perhaps? Allow them to take what they need and leave you be? I’m afraid there are a good bit more of them than there are you, and I would hate to see a sister be harmed.”

“...Perhaps. Or perhaps it’s time for me to wander the lands again. I’ve been asleep for so long and I’m sure it’s changed. I’d certainly hate to see my beautiful grove go to waste, though…”

“You know the cycle of life and death better than any, my dear,” I said. “Nothing is permanent and if they do harm your copse, more will grow in time. Besides, half the fun is planting your grove anew so you can watch and shape its course.”

“There is wisdom in your words.” She chuckled. “Oh, you tree sisters are always so wise… Would you care to travel with me? It has been so long since I felt the warm sunlight.”

“I’m afraid not. I have more of your sisters to meet in the dark. I would happily show you to the surface, though I’m afraid I should warn you that we’re in a desert.”

“I can travel at night and rest in the day, finding moisture as I need it. Come, dear sister. Let us depart. Perhaps the parasites will leave my home be. Perhaps they won’t. I will find a new place to call home. Maybe near a lake.” She put one of her ‘arms’ around my shoulders and waved the other in front of us. The mushrooms obediently bent aside and she pulled me on through. Thankfully, she didn’t question the rope.

“There are some of the locals outside,” I cautioned. “They will not seek to harm you as long as you leave them be.”

“And I have no desire to hurt them. As you said, dear sister, I know the cycle of life and death better than any. I do not break it unless something seeks to harm my home.”

I really didn’t know what else I could say and still keep up the charade, so I decided that silence was the best solution and just kept my mouth shut. We were coming up to the end of the grove anyway, so it didn’t matter. When the last few mushrooms bent out of the way for us, we were fully clear. It was at that point that I noticed that every one of her footsteps left a few small mushrooms behind, as though she made them grow just by being there.

The changelings didn’t know what to make of us at all, and were just staring in silence as we approached. Before they could say anything to aggro the bitch, I said, “I’m going to show her to the surface. Wait here.” I tossed the explosive ball to the mage before one of them could ask if I set it up and we kept walking. Surprisingly, none of them said a word. One of the drones was even nice enough to untie the rope from around me as we walked.

“Such strange looking creatures,” the mushroom lady said when we started going up the ramp. She finally let me go, at least. “It’s strange, what time has done to the animal kingdom. I can’t wait to see what else awaits me!”

Shit’s definitely hella weird, I’ll grant you that. “There are all kinds of wonderful new species out there, but many of them have been the same for some time. There are also all kinds of new dangerous species. I hope you’ll take care in your travels. It’s a big world out there, and not nearly enough of it is friendly.”

“I’ll be perfectly fine. My cycle of death is tied with your cycle of life. Should something strike me down, I’ll arise, just the same as you.”

If only. “It’s still such an inconvenience. And there are considerably worse fates than being struck down. There are many mages that might want to study you and lock you away.”

She chuckled once more. “Dearest sister, you forget our abilities! I would wipe her mind and make her such a loyal servant… It’s been quite some time since I had caretakers for my home. I hardly get any visitors. It makes me feel unappreciated, at times.”

“Well, you and your grove are both beautiful, sister,” I said. “I’m glad to have found you in the darkness.”

“And I’m glad to have been found by such a pretty tree sister. I would love to gaze upon your home as well, but I fear I might bring corruption to it. Though the season of decay is now upon us, so I hold enough sway to keep my stalks at bay.”

“I am between homes, as it happens. I decided to travel some time and distance before I strike the earth again. The sights you can see are amazing, should you give it time.”

“And I can’t wait to see them again.” We got to the top of the ramp, so I stopped and looked up.

“There’s a hole somewhere in the ceiling that leads up and out. Do you need assistance to the surface?”

She shook her head. “It hasn’t been that long since last I flew.” She looked to the side, at the building we were next to, and ran one of her hands over its smooth surface. “It’s strange that creatures willing to carve homes out of stone rather than tear down trees would be so willing to harm a beautiful copse.”

“Their priorities are quite different from ours. There’s no telling how their strange minds work.”

“True.” She turned back to me and pulled me in for a hug. I matched it, of course. She really did feel kinda neat. Once again, she waited until it felt kinda awkward to let go. “I wish you well in your travels, tree sister.”

“And I wish you luck in yours, sister of the deep.”

She smiled and spread her wings. Strangely enough—as if there wasn’t already enough strange shit about her—the wings didn’t even move as she started flying. She left some kind of dust in the air after her, and I decided it was best to not breathe in it.

When she was most of the way to the top of the cavern, I said, “Flo, what the absolute fuck was that thing?”

“I still have no idea.”

“Welp, that’s probably gonna be the weirdest thing I’m gonna find for a while.” I started walking back down the ramp.

“I wouldn’t jinx it.”

“Nah, you know I like playing it rough and wild. Think I should let the changelings blow up her mushrooms, or try to get them to work around it?”

“Assuming the spores are gone, I’d at least ask if they can work around it. They actually are beautiful, and the area can be used as some manner of park or something. But if the spores are still there, destroying it might be the only option.”

“That works for me. Hopefully she didn’t have time to set them to kill,” I said. “Maybe we can send that mage first.”

“As much as I’d appreciate the irony, that’s probably not a good idea. Perhaps they can do a remote test.”

“Eh.” I kept on walking. “So do you think I’m a bad person?”

“A bad person would have vaporized that mushroom lady.”

“I meant, like, in general. Am I generally a bad person?”

“Oh. Kinda. Bad is a strong word, though. Disinterested is closer. I wouldn’t call you good, but I definitely wouldn’t call you bad.”

“Alright, cool.” We walked the rest of the way in silence.

When I got to where I wanted to go, the changelings were still standing around, unsure of what to do. “What was that thing?” one of them asked.

“I have no fucking clue,” I said. “But I think it was generating the poison. You can probably get what you need now.”

“Excellent. And even better, we can preserve the mushrooms. Queen Chrysalis wanted them saved, if possible.”

“She knew about this?” I asked.

“Indeed she did, though she didn’t know we were having difficulties. I suppose including that walking mushroom in our report might be wise. Would you mind waiting until we test it? If the spores are still lingering, we might have to destroy the grove anyway. We desperately need the minerals within.”

“As long as you do it quickly. I need to get back to the palace soon.”

He nodded and turned to a random drone. “Go to the mushrooms and then come back.” It immediately started walking and didn’t even look at the flag when it got to it. It successfully made it to the grove and back. “Good. We’ll start preparing the dig site immediately.” He turned back to me. “Thank you for the assistance, Navarone.”

“Happy to help. I’m heading back to the palace, I guess.”

“Do you need a guide? The path is fairly straightforward, but for one that doesn’t know our city, getting lost is possible.”

“The palace is pretty noticeable. I’ll just fly.”

“Very well. It has been a pleasure working with you.”

Man, you didn’t do shit. “If you say so.” He blinked, shrugged, and started giving orders to the drones while I left. I was fairly used to the walk at that point, so it passed quickly enough. Soon, I was back in the open, where I could fly to the palace in peace. Since I didn’t really want to get into any more adventures, I decided to do just that.

Of course, when I got there, I had no fucking clue where to go. Thankfully, I have a guardian Flo, so she pointed out the right window and I let myself in, then walked to Chrysalis’s personal bed chamber. As tempting as it was to strip down and drape myself invitingly over her bed, I figured it probably wasn’t too great of an idea. Instead, I just chilled on the chair she stole from Canterlot and waited.

It didn’t take too long for her to return. “I somewhat expected you to be stripped down and draped invitingly over the bed,” she commented as she walked in.

“I thought about it, but I figured you’d want to unwrap me yourself. Or just cuddle, if you’re gonna be a tease.”

“Now, now, if I was going to tease you, I’d get off myself, then bring you to the edge and stop. A few times, maybe. And if you were a really good little filly, I might get you off before we went to bed. Or I might just cuddle up so close that you can’t help yourself.”

“Well, I would offer to throw you on the bed and ravish you right proper, but I’m afraid I lack the equipment at the moment.”

“And I would offer to use my ovipositor to teach you a lesson about anal, but the opiates can last for a day and they’re mildly addictive. But I happen to be a changeling, so silly matters like gender and sexuality mean very little.”

Flo decided to whisper a very important point to me, one that I’m glad she thought of. “Before we start, I have to know… You can get pregnant from anything. Can you get anything pregnant?”

“That’s what magic is for. Before, I wanted you to father a brood. Now, I know you have no desire to become pregnant… Or do you?”

“I most definitely do not. I don’t want or need any damn parasites growing in me, leeching off my life force.”

“...If that’s truly how you view children, I pity you.”

“That’s how babies are. Remember, I’m a mammal. You’re some kind of weird bug thing. So while you get to lay nice eggs, I have to deal with a live birth, something growing inside of me and using my energy and my food to survive and grow. I don’t want any part of that.”

“Well, I suppose you have no fear of it. It would be hard for a one of a kind species to find itself pregnant. At least, without my assistance.”

“And of that, I’m extremely grateful. Now then, shall we commence?”

She smiled and slowly morphed into a diamond dog. “How about some roleplay? You can be Navarone and I can be a miner taking revenge…”

“As long as you don’t do anything permanent, I’m fine with that. Though—” She cut me off by grabbing my arm and physically tossing me onto the bed.

Some things are not worth remembering.

I woke up the next day feeling very sore and full of regret. Flo, why does roleplay always involve either me getting raped or me raping Sweetie Belle?

“Because you’re very bad at saying no to people. But hey, at least you technically enjoyed it. Or at least, a part of you did.”

I thought you were supposed to support me through traumatic experiences!

“I know your every thought as you’re having them. If any part of that last night had been traumatic, I would have pulled you from consciousness and put a stop to it. You’re just being melodramatic. I think you might finally understand what it means to be a woman.”

Fuck you too, Flo. She just giggled at me.

Thankfully, Chrysalis turned back after she was done, so instead of being held by a bestial dog person, I was being cuddled by a horrifying bug abomination. After a moment of wondering why I always ended up waking up first, I decided it wasn’t worth figuring out and just relaxed, letting my body get some much needed rest.

When she finally woke up, she made sure to let me know by gently nibbling at my ear. I wasn’t quite sure she was doing that on purpose, though, so I waited to see if she would do something else. After a few seconds of that, I felt her pull back and then she started kissing the back of my neck. My wings twitched in response and my back unconsciously arched away from her, giving her better access.

She took advantage of it and continued kissing down, stopping at the base of my wings to play with that sensitive spot. When they both fully extended and were twitching uncontrollably, she moved on, kissing my lower back. I wanted to tell her to go even lower, but I knew that’s just what she wanted.

Finally, she used magic to carefully lift me up and place me on my back, and used one hoof to gently knead at my lower belly while the other caressed a wing. “Good morning, Nav,” she barely breathed out.

“It would be a better one if you went all the way,” I just as quietly replied.

She grinned and rolled off of me, then pointed down at something I’m fairly certain a female shouldn’t have. “I’ll eat my breakfast if you eat yours,” she said.

[Sex incumming. ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip]

I licked my lips and looked it over. “It’s been a while since I actually tasted one of those. As long as you’re gentle and let me go at my own pace, I’ll try.”

“Then don’t make me wait.”

I wrapped one of my hands around the tip and slowly drew it down, caressing her length and making a bead of pre leak out. She was obviously ready, so I lowered my head over it and carefully kissed the top, letting the fluid press against my lips.

I was expecting it to be salty, but licking it off proved that it was slightly sweet. The love she was consuming probably had something to do with that.

“Need me to lend you a hoof?” she sarcastically asked.

“If you were extremely confident the second time you sucked a dick, congratulations, you’re a massive slut. We can either do this my way or no kind of way.”

“Tch. Amateur.” I stuck my tongue out at her. She rolled her eyes, so I used that tongue to lick the tip. “You should know how to give a perfect one. You used to have one of your own, so you know what to do and what not to do. I don’t see what the issue is.”

“The issue is that I have a gag reflex and you didn’t exactly make this thing easy to swallow.”

“You’re just being melodramatic.” She shrunk the hunk of meat for me, though. Sometimes, having a changeling as a lover is amazing. Other times, it’s horrific.

Since it was at a more manageable size, I finally let the tip slip inside my mouth and ran my tongue around it once. She shifted slightly, pushing it a little further in. The actual dick didn’t really have a taste, aside from a slightly fleshy one. Since it wasn’t too bad, I tried taking in more, letting it press against the back of my throat. I didn’t have any kind of reaction, surprisingly, so I slowly sucked more in until my chin was rubbing her heavy balls.

“There’s a good mare,” Chrysalis sighed, putting a hoof on the back of my head. I’m going to pretend that Flo is helping me and that I’m not actually this good at being a slut. From the giggle in the back of my head, I figured that was probably actually true.

Since breathing is still a very important part of being alive, I slowly inhaled through my nose as I eased her futa cock out of my throat.

“Nice depth, but more tongue,” Chryssy commented. “And remember to keep sucking, too.” I gave her the bird as I slowly eased back down, trying to wrap my tongue around as much of it as possible. The most sensitive part was the head, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect the shaft.

When I got down to the base again, one of my hands played with her sack and I sucked hard as I pulled back. It made a nasty slurping sound, but she seemed to appreciate it anyway. This time, I let it flop out of my mouth for a moment to catch my breath, before wrapping my lips around the tip and giving it a nice suck, followed by circling it with my tongue. She finally moaned and humped a little, pushing more of it back in.

That was a sign to me that she was ready to start getting serious. As if, you know, my lips around her shaft wasn’t enough. Since Flo was helping with the gag reflex, I figured I could probably go a little crazy. She’d probably also help me breathe if I somehow managed to fuck that up, too.

So I just straight deep-throated her, holding it for a few seconds before easing back out, once more sucking the whole way and trying to do more than just wildly flail my tongue around. “There you go,” she whispered, finally easing back and relaxing. Since she seemed to like it, that’s what I started doing. Every time my head bobbed back down, I’d twist it slightly so my tongue could more easily focus on another part of her.

After a few seconds of that, she started to weakly hump in time with my bobs, hopefully trying not to push too far so I could still have control. I started to pick up the pace after about a minute, since I got a good rhythm and figured it out.

Thankfully for me, she wasn’t too accustomed to having a penis, so she really couldn’t last all that long, whether or not I was good at giving head. I was under no illusions that I was any good at it, but I was still kinda surprised that she only lasted about three minutes. When I felt her meat start to twitch and she began humping even more, I gave her one last stroke before slowly pulling out and using my hand to stroke it, so I could aim it away from me.

Chrysalis had other ideas. She used magic to hold me in place and then took control of my hand, using it and magic both to get herself off. I had time to see her head flaring up before I decided closing my eyes and mouth was a good idea. She moaned one last time before I felt a thick and warm string of fluid hit me right on the forehead and start to slide down immediately. Since I wasn’t exactly an amateur when it comes to a guy releasing spunk, I kept my eyes closed and waited. Sure enough, a second and then third string of cum splashed against me, one on my cheek and one across my chest.

When she was finally done, she let me go and sighed in relief, then chuckled as I sagged down a little. “Oh, you look so natural while you’re coated in my juices,” she happily said.

“Fuck you.”

“You already did. Now, I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Hey, what about me?”

“You may take one after I’m finished.”

“No, what about you eating me out? You said you would!”

“No, I said I would eat my breakfast if you ate yours. Given that you’re wearing it, it’s quite obvious you didn’t feel up to eating it. So I guess we’ll just have to wait until lunch!”

“I am going to go through every drawer in this place and wipe cum on everything I can.”

She chuckled sweetly. “If that’ll help you get off, by all means…” I wanted to retort, but her horn lit up and she disappeared.

I just sighed and sank to the bed. After a few seconds, I used the blankets to clean myself off, because it was starting to cool off and get uncomfortable.

The silence quickly got annoying, so I said, “Fuck you, Flo.”

She just laughed at me.

[“Sex is over”]

When we were ready to start the day (or at least, as ready as I could be given that I didn’t have a change of clothes), we first made our way to the throne room. It was much easier this time, because she wasn’t trying to show off. Instead of going the long way around, we flew out the opening at the end of the hall and went in the main door, since that led almost directly to the throne chamber.

“So what do you spend a normal day doing?” I asked when we got there.

“I spend the first few hours listening to reports I specified that I needed the night before, here in the throne room. Then one of my delegates gives me a list of petitioners that need to see me, to either ask for permission or to fill me in on a report I might find important. I usually spend most of the rest of the day going to them to see what they need.”

“Why go to them and not have them come to you?”

“It’s considerably more efficient for me to attend them than for them to come to me. It also allows the common changelings to see me considerably more often, so they know firsthoof that I am taking an active role in governing.”

“But couldn’t you see more petitioners in a day if they came to you instead?”

“Yes. If I had enough projects going on, I would revert to that system, unless an emergency just occurred. That is why I was so active after the ant attack the last time you were here. I believed it was important to be seen. And this method also creates somewhat of a competition for my time. Only those that truly need or deserve my attention will get it.”

“Makes sense, I guess. Now, are you always this sexy?”

“Yes.” With that answer, the doors opened and the boring work of royalty began.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-One—War Games: Changeling Edition

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-One—War Games: Changeling Edition

The first few petitioners that came to see us were the normal boring things. Some people talking about and asking for permission to fix various things that were breaking down, some that wanted permission to open a state-run brothel, some that wanted funds for an expedition to griffonland for trees, and some that needed to report on some sciencey shit. You know, the normal things. Chrysalis used me as a moral compass, even though I’m pretty broken as well.

Then something of interest caught my ears. “I’m here to report on the ponies you wanted escorted yesterday, your highness,” the changeling said after bowing.

“Stick to the points of interest,” Chrysalis replied.

“We escorted ten ponies in armor and three unicorns without. Most of the unicorns were interested in our magic, so they were taken to the school. Things went well. One of the pegasi wanted to see our alchemists and had a very high interest in poisons. Two of them had interest in our architecture and were shown many of our more impressive structures. One earth pony was interested in our military, but wasn’t overly disappointed when we told him we couldn’t show him our training facilities. Instead, he and another viewed our waterworks systems. Two were interested in the armory and were shown there.”

“Did you run into any issues?” Chrysalis asked.

“No, your majesty. We assumed when the ponies saw our mobile food sources, they would be offended.” His eyes flicked to me for a moment before continuing. “Two groups of armored ponies ran into the pet ponies. One pegasus petted the pony before continuing on their way. The other group had an earth pony that spoke to the food pony by name. Apparently, the guard was the one that arrested the food pony, and was quite pleased to see him paying back his debt.”

“Interesting,” Chrysalis said. “But unimportant. Did they get their fill of exploration, or will they be returning to tour again?”

“Some were interested in more of the city than we had time to show, and would like repeat performances.”

“Granted. Unless something of note occurs, do not keep me updated.”

“Yes, your highness,” he said with a bow, then let himself out.

“It is good to know your soldiers are better behaved than Twilight Sparkle,” Chrysalis said without looking at me.

“She can definitely be a naughty filly. I usually spank her to teach her a lesson. I think she started to like it, though.”

She shook her head. “I’m beginning to wonder if there is anyone you have not slept with. Next!” The doors opened again and another changeling walked in, carrying a bag.

When he got close enough, he did the normal bowing thing before looking back up. “Your majesty, I represent the miners. We were recently commissioned by the ponies, under your authority, to dig out the—”

“I know,” Chrysalis snapped. “Get to the point.”

“The preliminary estimate is three days. After speaking with… some blob of water, we believe three days is all we will need.”

“Is that all you required?”

He lifted the bag. “One of the ponies requested that I give this to Sir Navarone. It contains some of his belongings.”

Chrysalis floated it over to me. “Inform me immediately when the tunnel is finished. You are dismissed.”

He bowed and walked out, but I was still checking the bag. A quick look showed me it contained clothes, so I closed it back and sat it down. As soon as he got out, I said, “You really shouldn’t snap at people, Chrysalis. It’s kinda rude.”

“Noted, though I dislike having my time wasted. Next!”

In walked another changeling, who blinked when he saw me. He didn’t stop his walk, though, and properly bowed. “Your majesty, I am with the team that was tasked with obtaining copper. We succeeded, with help from Sir Navarone.”

“What was the issue, again?” Chrysalis asked.

“Fungus spores, my queen. They were disabling our drones. They did not affect Sir Navarone and he was able to do… something. I’m not sure what he did.”

Chrysalis turned her head to me. “What did you do?”

“Man, I have no fucking clue. There was some kind of weird-ass mushroom lady living at the center of the copse. She thought I was some kind of weird-ass tree lady and treated me like a sister. I got her to leave.”

“...There are some very strange things in this world.”

“I know, right?”

Chrysalis shook her head and turned back to the scientist. “If the copse is safe, preserve as much of it as you can. I would hate for this… mushroom to return and cause trouble. Send the ore to the refineries. Dismissed.” He bowed and departed. When he was gone, Chrysalis looked back to me. “When did you help him?”

“Yesterday, after I spoke to the miner guys.”

“Your assistance was appreciated, though I highly doubt a mushroom would give us much trouble.” She looked back to the front. “Next!”

Once the two of us finished our lunch break, Chrysalis took me to fly over the hive. “It’s surprising how few people there are down there,” I idly commented as we flew. The roads were almost empty and there were only a few fliers around.

“Most changelings work,” she said with a shrug. “Is it different in Equestria?”

“...Sort of. I guess it depends on where you go. Ponyville is largely agrarian, so you see a lot of people out and about during the day, doing chores for their farms and other jobs. Canterlot is obscenely rich, so a lot of people there don’t have to work and can do whatever they want. The other pony cities I went to had fewer people out, not that I really payed much attention.”

“All the changelings work, here. That is part of the reason I decided to use mobile food distribution. There is always something damaged that needs to be fixed, something new to be made, or items to move, so all drones stay busy. The few that have time off rarely wander far from their barracks.”

“Hm. Where I come from, most places have five work days and two off days. All non-essential jobs are off the same two days in a row. It’s considered the time of rest and lets people make friends or grow closer. Essential jobs usually have shifts, so someone is constantly on duty and no one gets too run down doing it.”

“There is wisdom in that. If my hive had more options for entertainment, I would consider using the two days off idea. As it is, I do not want the few available entertaining locations to be swamped.”

I shrugged. “Makes sense. So where we goin’?”

“One of the few places where there are few workers. Consider it a surprise.”

“...To me, surprises are usually ambushes or Doppel deciding to be a guy.”

She smirked. “Well, this surprise won’t physically hurt you, though I don’t think you will enjoy it as much as you’d enjoy Doppel…”

“She liked doing it back when I still had a penis.”

“Somehow, I doubt you complained much.” She started to descend. “Well, unless she tried sticking it in you.”

“I don’t particularly mind giving a blowie. I just really don’t want it in my exit hole. But that was never an issue, once I made myself clear.”

She landed right in front of a relatively small building and turned to look at me. “Changelings are remarkably obedient to the one who obtains their loyalty. I somewhat wonder what you did to destroy her bond with the hive. No amount of sex alone could pervert her so.”

I snorted. “It did plenty to make her perverted.” She rolled her eyes. “I have this bad habit of treating servants like real people. For some reason, pretending they have feelings makes them happy.”

“Whatever you did, she stopped reporting the truth less than a month after I gave her to you. I debated having her resocialized whenever she came back to the hive, but ultimately decided against it. What’s one slutty spy?”

“I would have been quite displeased to discover you were abusing my maid. That’s my job.”

She shook her head and walked into the building. I followed, of course. It was yet another dark building with hallways leading away from the main entrance. All the doors were closed every way I looked. Chrysalis picked a direction and started walking. I didn’t bother reading the directory.

After passing several nondescript doors, she stopped in front of one and pushed it open. The occupant within looked surprised for an instant before buzzing right past Chrysalis and tackling me. Thankfully, changelings are fairly light and this one apparently just wanted to hug me. Creepily enough, his tail starting wagging as soon as he latched onto me.

“I see you remember your savior,” Chrysalis happily said. “Navarone, this is one of the changelings you pulled out of the ocean.”

“I kinda figured,” I said, rubbing the changeling’s back.

“I knew you’d come back,” he whispered.

“What do you mean, come back?” I asked. “I sent you guys home. You’re the ones that left.”

He looked up, still holding onto me. “I knew you’d come back for me. Wouldn’t leave me in the dark…”

What? “The hive is pretty dark, dude. Did you somehow forget that?”

Chrysalis used magic to tug him away from me. As soon as he pulled back, his legs started flailing to try to get to me again. “He is… not quite right in the head,” she said.

“I’m fine!” he yelled as he continued to struggle. “I just… I need…”

“What you need is time,” I said, grabbing one of his hooves with my hand. He immediately calmed down. “And to not be locked up,” I added, looking at Chrysalis.

“None of the patients here are locked in,” she replied. “Any of them can walk through the city as they like, though they must be accompanied by a guard to ensure nothing happens. There are many that choose not to leave.”

I looked back at the changeling. “Dude, go for a walk.”

He shook his head and somehow strengthened his grip on my head. “I don’t need a walk. I just need you.”

“I… don’t think you need me,” I slowly said as I tried to pull my hand back.

He refused to let go and just stared right in my eyes with a disturbing intensity. “Your eyes could swallow all the light in the world. Steal all the breath from everyone. Make the strongest changeling fall for you instantly. What hope did I ever have?”

That… shocked me. Chrysalis’s horn lit up brighter and removed his hoof from my hand and then pushed him into his room. I held up a hand as she started to close the door, stopping her. “There is no life in my eyes, changeling. No hope in my mind, no love in my heart. I’m emptier than the darkest night. I brought you from the depths, but don’t look to me for salvation. Don’t look to me for love. All I bring is pain and suffering.”

“You brought me life,” he quietly said.

“A life of wallowing in the dark, hiding from your pain and relying on someone else to give you purpose.”

“You are my purpose!”

“Then consider yourself free from it.” Chrysalis slammed the door shut. It was heavy and stone, so I turned to her and asked, “Why did you bring me here?”

“He’s been mopey and begging to see you. I was hoping you would either kill him, bring him to his senses, or take him with you.” She started walking back to the entrance.

“And you didn’t think warning me might be a good idea?”

“I thought it would lessen your reaction if you knew the situation.”

“Tch. It’s been a long time since someone told me my eyes were beautiful. That woulda shocked me no matter what you said.” She walked right past the exit. “...Where else are we going?”

“To see the other one. He is more sane, but might be disappointed if you don’t visit.”

“Ah. So what kind of help are you giving these guys? Horseland doesn’t have any psychiatrists.”

“I’m giving them time off,” she said with a shrug. “What more do they need?”

“...Someone to talk to?”

“They can talk to anyone they want to. Each other. Guards. Passersby. Me, if they can get an appointment.”

“How often do changelings commit suicide?”

She stopped in front of a door and turned to stare at me. I just stared right back. After half a minute, she turned to the door and pushed it open. The occupant flinched at the small change in light, then jumped up to bow. “Your highness. And Lady Navarone! It is an honor.”

I snorted. “I didn’t figure you’d train them to bow to me, Chrysalis.”

She slapped me with a wing and said, “Rise, subject. Your savior was in the city and I decided to bring… her to visit.”

“Thank you, my queen. Lady Navarone, what brings you to the hive? Do you need any assistance?”

“Stop calling me lady. And my needs are being taken care of.”

“I’m happy to hear that. If you need a spy or sailor or just another pair of hooves for anything, by all means, let me know. Oh, and as much as I hate to do this to him, I advise against going to see… the other one.”

“...That woulda been good to know five minutes ago, before I saw the other one.”

He winced slightly. “He didn’t hurt you, did he? Or… touch you?”

“He was all kinds of huggy and thought he loved me. He even said something about my eyes.”

The poor changeling sighed and shook his head. “I told you that he wasn’t quite right… Did you let him down gently, at least?”

“Psh, hell no. That shit’s hella creepy, dude. I don’t want no goddamn cracked freaky bug thing lusting after my lady parts.” He winced again, looking down. “No offense, of course. He was obsessed. I told him to chill the fuck out because don’t no one want to deal with that shit.” Chrysalis was giving me the strangest fucking look, for some reason. “I mean, how would you feel if some creepy fucker said you were his life’s purpose and that he was swallowed up by your eyes? That he needs you? I’ve been raped for less.”

His head shot up. “Neither of us would ever touch you, not like that. Not if you didn’t want it. We both… know what that’s like. You saved us, ma’am. We’re more grateful than you can ever know. But he was… down there for a long time. Long enough to become… addicted, a little. It only makes sense to me that he’d become just as addicted to whatever saved him. Especially if it was a really cute female.”

“Yeah, well, the joke’s on you two fuckers. The only thing cute about me is the fact I’m so short, and I’d kick a fucker right between the legs if he decided to comment on it. I saved both of y’all ‘cuz it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted two more goddamn changelings following me around. I reckon you might should oughta drill that through your buddy’s head.”

“...I was hoping he would realize it himself. But there isn’t much for us to do except sit here and think. If all he’s thinking about is how much he wants you, I suppose it’s unlikely for him to realize how insane it sounds.”

“You need to get that fucker outside, dude.”

He sighed and nodded. “Yes ma’am, I do. I suppose I’ll try to walk with him at least once a day now. But there are so few guards that ever stop by, so it’s hard to get permission to leave.”

I slowly turned to look at Chrysalis. She steadfastly ignored me. My head panned back to the other guy. “That’s gonna change. If there’s anything you guys need that might help you get better, let me know right now. I’ll see what I can do.”

“...Somebody to talk to would be nice. Usually, it’s just me, him, and a guard. No other changelings ever made time to talk with us. At least, not much…”

Once again, I slowly turned to look at Chrysalis. She was rubbing one of her front hooves against her carapace, pretending to ignore me. I turned back to the guy. “I’ll see what I can do. Anything else?”

“No, my la—ma’am.”

“I have a name, dude. I’m not some foppish noble or arrogant prick. Hell, I’m only technically a woman. The only reason I have a vagina instead of a dick is because I pissed off the wrong person. So chill. And tell your friend to stop obsessing over me, because it’s kinda gay. Especially that weird shit he said about my eyes.”

“I… What? Only technically… but…”

“Yeah, I probably should have mentioned that. Oh well. If you don’t need anything else, I’m leaving.”

He quickly shook his head. “No, my la—ma—Sir! No sir! I don’t… I don’t want to bother you…”

“Alright. I’ll see what I can do for you and your friend. Don’t no one deserve to go through this shit, especially not and be stuck with themselves. You have Chrysalis’s word that things will get better.” Of course, the named queen flinched, but she didn’t contradict me.

The little changeling stared at his queen for a moment before turning back to me and nodding. “Thank you. Even seeing you again was nice.”

“Happy to help, I guess. You should go talk to your friend. He might be a little distraught right now.”

He nodded yet again. “I’ll do it right away.” He followed us as far as the exit, then continued walking down the hall to his friend’s place while we walked out.

As soon as the front door closed behind us, I turned to Chrysalis. She beat me to talking, though. “I don’t appreciate using my word for anything without my permission, Nav.”

“I didn’t figure you would. Those guys need help, Chrysalis. All people that go through trauma do. If there ain’t enough guards in your crimeless city to take care of them, ya need to remove the guard restriction entirely. I ain’t gonna say you should straight up assign them friends or whatever, but making sure they get someone to talk to would be good.”

“I can’t believe I’ve never heard your accent before… It’s so…”

“Southern?”

“Adorable!” I blinked in surprise. “Keep talking! I want to hear more of it.”

After taking a second to compose myself, I spoke again without the accent. “It’s a holdover from where I was born.” She actually pouted. “It usually only comes out when I’m annoyed, pissed, or really tired. Don’t you have changelings that can use any accents? If you’re really desperate to hear it, get them to do one for you.”

She smirked and shook her head. “It’s not the accent in particular, it’s that you have a southern accent!”

“Weirdo. None of that changes my point. Those two need to be able to get out and they need someone to talk to. Taking care of your sick and downtrodden are very nice and important things to do. So take care of it.”

The smile slipped off her face. “I will see what I can do. Generally, I don’t consider the life of one individual changeling worth very much. Healing those that are merely mentally and emotionally disturbed seems like a waste of resources.”

“But it’s the right thing to do. Stop thinking of your subjects as resources. Think of them as people.”

She looked away. “There was a time when I did.”

“And now that you aren’t so desperate, you can start doing it again. Maybe not the drones, but you should consider them that way anyway. Life is replaceable. People are not.”

“It… hurts. You know our history. You know… some of what I’ve done.”

“And you won’t get better unless you become more than what you were. Shit happened. You’re past it now. If you want to be Moonbeam again,” she flinched, of course, “you need to let go of Chrysalis.”

She finally looked back to me. “The past is not so easily forgotten.”

“You don’t have to forget it. Just don’t let it own you. If you want to change, do what you think is right, not what you think is smart. If a changeling dies, you already make sure the body is treated right. And if a changeling is injured, you should make sure it can get better. But emotional or mental wounds are deeper and more hidden than physical wounds. It doesn’t seem like many people here in this crazy horse world know how to treat them. Give them some people to talk to and let them leave the building whenever they want. Station guards here to go with them, if you’re paranoid.”

“...Alright, Nav. I’ll take care of it when we return to the palace. Our next stop is back to the military training area. Ditto has made a few changes based on the recommendations you gave him. I would very much like to have you in disguise when we go there, though. My changelings are… not intelligent. I want you to see everything they’re doing without speaking or being asked to comment, so you can get more of a full picture. I also don’t want to risk them acting any differently.”

“What kind of disguise did you have any mind? I’m kinda recognizable. I mean, I’ve pretended to be a cat before, but…”

She looked away and rubbed at the back of her neck for a moment before shrugging and looking back. “I want to turn you into a pony or a changeling.” My wings twitched. “If you choose pony, I will put a leash on you and pretend you are my personal food pony. I will not feed on you and will instruct my subjects to leave you be. I have my worries about making you a changeling, but I don’t think it would be too much of an issue. I will just treat you as an aide, in that case.”

I mulled it over in my head for a few seconds before asking, “If I turn into a changeling, can I change into a male?”

“Of course… if you can figure out how to change. I will let you stay in that body as long as you’d like, though from what I have learned, I will likely require several hours to change you back.”

“Then let’s do that. But I’m going to fuck you or someone else before I let you turn me back into a human.”

“Of course. But you are free to stay as a changeling, you know. You can change into your own normal body, or anything else you’d desire.”

“You fed on Shining Armor for three days and he was nearing the breaking point. How long would it take for me to drain Taya? I couldn’t survive as a changeling.”

“There are… other emotions you could take. Lust, for example.”

“From what I’ve seen, taking different emotions as a changeling seems to… change you. Anger makes you go mad. Lust seems to turn you into even more of a slut, which I don’t need. Love doesn’t seem to do anything to your mind. I’m not going to risk it. I’d rather keep my freaky tree stamina.”

“So be it. Would you like me to turn you now, or do you want to return to the palace first?”

“Palace. It’ll take me a few minutes to get used to the body and learn to change shapes. Better to do it in privacy.”

She nodded. “Then shall we?” We both spread our wings and took off. “It has been some time since you ate. I will have one of the palace ponies on standby should you need it. Eating love is… different from eating normal food. I will teach you to do it first.”

“Alright. I should be able to figure it out easily. I was able to do some basic magic when I got body swapped with a unicorn.”

“...There’s a body swap spell?”

“Yep. I never want to be Taya again. It felt way too weird. I also don’t want to be Rarity again, because I almost got raped and she did get raped. I had to murder someone in her body and then explain to Celestia just who it was she had sex with.”

She actually started giggling so hard that she fell several meters before she got back in control. “I’ll have to… ask Celestia how that went,” she said, still fighting giggles.

“Coincidentally, that’s also how one of the ‘elements of harmony’ found your changeling in Detroit. That was me in Rarity’s body.”

“That makes much more sense,” she said. “I suppose I should tell him who he should really be sending his lust letters to.”

“...I’d really rather you didn’t. They annoy Rarity so much. She’s had a few suitors in the past, but none that begged her to sit on their face and shove a vibrator where the sun don’t shine. She got really mad after getting the first one.”

“I don’t know who Rarity is, but I’ll abstain, if allowing it to continue causes a pony to suffer.” We finally flew into the windows of her giant hive palace. There was no one in the hallway aside from us. “Return to my chambers. I shall be there after I take care of a few things.”

“Alrighty. I’ll warm myself up for you…” She rolled her eyes and hopped back out the window. I continued down the hall, having been there enough times to know just where to go. “So what do you think?” I asked when I was safely ensconced in her room.

“Choosing changeling was the wiser move, but it has risks. Remember that you will be hit with several new senses, including pheromones. Nourishment might be difficult, but I will ensure that things go smoothly.”

“What in particular was unwise about choosing pony?”

Flo giggled. “You know she would make you wear all kinds of sex toys. And you’d be her pet, so you couldn’t say no.”

“...Wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.” I heard a wet smack in my head. “Just sayin’. It’s not like anyone would know it was me, unless we ran into Taya or something.”

“Which you just know would happen. Remember, you aren’t allowed to have nice things.”

“Yeah, I know… Though I bet Taya would use magic to discreetly turn the toys up just to make me suffer.”

“I hate you so much.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Just for that…” She took control of my body and jumped onto the bed. Before I could ask what she was doing, she instantly gave me a scarily intense orgasm.

Once I finished riding the throes of pleasure, I slowly sat up so I could remove my wet pants. “One of these days, Flo. POW! Straight to the moon! Then you’ll have to talk to Luna and it’ll be awkward because she tried to kill you that one time and she’s also a total cunt.”

“It’ll be worth it, just to make you suffer.”

“Sadist.”

“Slut.”

I stuck my tongue out. She made me taste straight alum.

When Chrysalis walked in, she was probably pretty confused at the horrible faces I was making. To her credit, she didn’t comment on them. She just tugged on the leash tied to one of the holes in her back leg and a familiar pony pet walked in. “Are you ready?” she asked.

I sat up and stared at the pony. “I know this guy from somewhere,” I said. “Do you know what he did?”

She shrugged. “I was given the records of those that were more violent. This fellow did something to displease Celestia, but I don’t know what.”

Flo said, “He ambushed you in a back alley in Canterlot. You threw a knife into his leg.”

“Oh yeah. This is a guy that was paid to attack me in Canterlot. It ended poorly for him and his buddies. One of them died. One ran. This one and a griffin both got caught. He seemed a lot less happy then…” At the moment, he was just smiling and wagging his tail, looking at everything around the room.

“Being stabbed is an unpleasant experience,” Chrysalis said. “Are you ready to transform?”

“Just let me finish getting undressed,” I said as I started pulling my shirt off. A moment later, I stood before her, completely naked. “Alright. What kind of changes are there? I know I’ll start sensing pheromones.”

“It’s been so long that I don’t even remember. Prepare yourself.” Her horn lit up so brightly that I closed my eyes. When I felt my body finish changing, I opened them and found a startling array of color all around me. “Ah, it worked. Though I didn’t realize you were such an attractive member of your race.”

“Fuck you.” I looked around the room and saw even more strange colors. “Things look weird. It’s like the air has colors…”

“Those are pheromone streams,” she said, walking closer and tugging her pet along. “After enough time, you pay no mind to the colors and instead see what they represent. Are you hungry?”

I lifted one of my gnarled hooves in front of my face. The thing was, of course, holey. “Not particularly. I feel strangely hollow, though. I don’t think I’ve ever actually cut a changeling open. What’s under this chitin?”

“That hollowness is hunger. We have a sort of… reservoir in us. Hunger doesn’t give us pain, as it would a pony. Devouring emotions fills that reservoir.”

“Cool, cool. What’s under this chitin?”

“Your fleshy interior.” She untied the leash with magic and used it to guide the prisoner in front of me. “You can’t change until you eat.” I stared at the pony. He stared right back, a much happier expression on his face. “First, you must get him to express love. Pet him.

I rolled my eyes and walked around to his side. His head swiveled to follow me. When I started petting him, he sighed in contentment. Then he leaned forward and started licking my face. Before I could pull back, Chrysalis’s horn lit up and held me there.

“Do you feel it?” she asked.

“...No, actually. I don’t feel his tongue or the wetness at all. But I really don’t want my face to be sticky.”

“That isn’t what I meant. Keep petting him and look at the pheromones around him.” I did so and started actually watching him. “His aura should be pink.”

“It is.” I concentrated and saw a tiny amount of black mixed with yellow as well. “Among other things.”

“The yellow is horror and the black is hate. A part of him is still conscious and aware of what’s going on, but it’s held in check by the love poison. Poke the pink with your horn.” I shrugged and did so. The pony stopped licking me and started rubbing his face on my chest instead. As soon as I popped the aura bubble around him, stuff started pouring into my mind and I gasped. “It is much more difficult with an unwilling host.”

There wasn’t a real… taste. Nothing passed my lips, after all. But it felt… right. My entire body seemed to warm up as the love pooled up inside of me. After a few seconds, the fellow pulled away from me, but I barely even noticed. I was still processing what exactly happened. The hollowness was gone and all the colors I was seeing became more vibrant.

Then the fucker mounted me from behind. He didn’t have enough time to even try to insert himself before Chrysalis smacked him right the fuck off. “Don’t even THINK about it, you pastel pony whore!” The stallion whined in fear, shrinking up and looking away. She glared at him for another moment before looking at me. “Changelings usually get what they need quickly and move on. Those that feed on lust take longer. The pets are conditioned to mate with the changeling if enough time passes. This one is frequented by male changelings, since there are more guards in the palace, so it seems he was a little overeager to take advantage of such a fine specimen. I might send him to the breeding chambers as punishment.”

I let that information process as I continued trying to figure out what eating that love did. After a few seconds, I blinked. “Wait, so changelings can have sex in public?”

She nodded. “I don’t see why it would be banned. Few take the opportunity. Usually, it’s only those that take advantage of all the services the pets offer. Had you chosen to be a pony instead, I would have forbidden any of my subjects from touching you… unless you wanted it.”

“Huh. What about the children?”

“What about them? Sex is natural. Why hide it? Nothing is done to those that are too young.”

“Hm. Whatever.” I looked over at the pony pet. “So now what?”

“Well, if you’d like, I can show you how to transform and you can do to him what he was going to do to you.”

“Pass. I’d like to learn how to change, but I don’t want to do a thing to someone that can’t say yes.”

“Very well.” She used magic to toss the pony out the door and then shut it behind him. “First, can you use magic? You said you have done it before, when in the body of a unicorn.”

I closed my eyes and envisioned the room, like I did the first time I ever used magic. After a few seconds of trying to lift one of my shoes, I opened my eyes. The shoe was right where I left it. “Doesn’t look like it.”

“Hm. The rare intelligentsia that can’t use magic. I wonder if that’s because you aren’t actually a changeling.”

“Dunno. So how do I transform?”

“Let’s start with a body modification. Hold up one of your hooves.” I lifted my right one and she mimicked me. “Look at it and envision it how you want it. Color, texture, appearance.” Her hoof quickly morphed into a hand.

I tilted my head slightly and imagined a freaky pink tentacle, because I figured it would be easier than a hand. Sure enough, my leg actually turned into a freaky pink tentacle thing.

“...That isn’t a hand,” she said, lifting an eyebrow.

“It’s easier.” I closed my eyes and thought of myself. My actual self, not the horrible mockery of myself the ponies made me.

“Hm.” A few seconds after Chrysalis made her sound, I opened my eyes. “You messed up your hair. And you forgot your wings.”

“No I didn’t. This is the real me. Fuck the wings and fuck that shitty grass hair.”

She looked down. “You did forget something, though.” I quickly remedied that. She smirked and asked, “Are you sure you aren’t inflating it a little?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, crossing my arms and flexing my new footlong. Er, old footlong.

“Of course, of course. We can have our fun later, after we visit the military base. Turn to the form you would like to have when we enter the base. I would recommend being a female changeling, because the more intelligent soldiers would bend over backwards to help you. But the choice is yours.”

After one last regretful look at my dick, I turned into a male changeling. “I doubt I’ll need their help.” After a few moments of thought, I modified my eyes to look like a drone.

She immediately shook her head. “It won’t work and it’s a terrible idea.”

“Oh. How do I turn back to natural, then? I don’t really know how I looked…” She snatched a pillow from the bed and hit me with it so hard that I actually fell on my ass. Sure enough, I saw a brief flash of green and felt very female again. When I stood back up, I turned back into a dude.

“You still look very feminine, but that matters little. I’ll rub enough pheromones on you that none of the soldiers would even think to flirt with you.”

“Sexy.” She smacked me with the pillow again, but not hard enough to make me revert. “So why can’t I go as a drone?” I asked as she walked up to me.

After she started rubbing her body against mine, she said, “Pheromones. You might not know what they all mean, but the others do. It’s obvious to us all that you’re high ranking. And even if you could disguise yourself as a drone, I wouldn’t allow it in a military base, whether or not you were my assistant.” Feeling chitin rub against chitin is kinda weird, even if I barely felt much of anything. After a few more seconds, she said, “There. We’ll fly, so you can get a chance to use your wings. They’re very different, but it should be a quick adjustment.”

“Alrighty.” We started walking on out. “Just so you know, I don’t want any more children. So if we do bang, you better use protection or self-abort, if changelings can do that.”

“We can. It’s called crushing our eggs.” When we got to the hall, she spread her wings. “Our wings are much smaller than those of a pony. They’re considerably smaller than yours. We fly by beating them continuously, like a humming bird.”

“Sounds tiring.”

“They’re also much lighter, so flapping them constantly is easier. If we get in the air and you find yourself unable to adjust, just turn back to normal and we can fly near where we’re going and walk the rest of the way.”

“Works for me. Shall we, then?”

“Go first. I shall follow.” I shrugged, spread my wings, gave them a few test flaps, then jumped out the side. It took me a few moments of falling before I got the hang of it, but soon enough, I was right back up to the window. “I didn’t think it would give you any issues.” She gracefully joined me in the air and we started off. “Speaking of your children, if you would like to see them, you may. They don’t know who their father is, not that they would recognize you in this form anyway. At this point, they’re old enough to speak.”

It was… kinda tempting. But on the same vein, I’m an absolutely terrible person. “I think I’ll pass. Maybe if we have time leftover from making you not evil, I can see them.”

She snorted. “Wouldn’t a ‘good’ mother want the father of her children to be as involved in their life as possible?”

“...I’m making you a good person or ruler, not a good mother.”

“You’re trying to make me good, are you not? Good in all things.”

“That means baby steps.”

“Which you didn’t get to see.”

“Would you rather them have no father or a bad father? Because you gotta remember, I’m a terrible person and an even worse father.”

She chuckled. “Shall we ask Taya about that, hm?”

I nervously swallowed. “W-we don’t need to do that, now…”

“It wouldn’t be too hard to find her, you know. I’m quite interested to see what she thinks about her father’s transformation.”

“Oh look, we’re here!”

“In fact—”

“Oh look, we’re here!” We both landed in the large military building, with her still chuckling at my suffering. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t actually tell Taya on me, but I also really didn’t want to risk it.

That girl is fucking sadistic sometimes.

“Consider the matter closed… for now. Come.” She started walking and I made sure to follow behind her, since I was pretending to be a changeling. I didn’t want anyone making any assumptions about why I was walking at her side, after all. “You are allowed to ask questions, if you desire. Just not too many.”

“Do I have to use niceties when talking to you?”

“If you don’t want to risk Ditto attempting to draft you, yes.”

“Alright. I’m going to do very dirty things to you tonight, your majesty.”

“I look forward to it, subject.” I noticed a particular door with a large amount of pheromone trails on it. When she entered it, I took a moment to actually study the trails. Each was a different color. Chrysalis left a greenish trail behind. Several were red. A few were black. One was pink, but it was a lot smaller. Then I realized she probably wouldn’t wait on me and stepped into Ditto’s office. “We’re here for the training exercise,” Chrysalis said.

Ditto immediately stood. “It will begin on your word, my queen. Would you like me to take you to the troops?”

“No. Begin the exercise in three minutes. I will be there momentarily.”

“Yes, your majesty.” He bowed and walked out of the office, brushing past me like I wasn’t even there.

“Why did I need to be disguised, again?” I asked. “He didn’t even look at me.”

“That’s the point of a disguise, subject. Come.” She walked into the hall at a more stately pace, and went back to the window we entered. We jumped out and flew down to the ground floor, but didn’t enter yet. “We will be getting up close and personal in this exercise. Defend yourself if necessary, but remember that your primary job is to observe. By the way, your new name is Camo.”

“Okay. What exactly is going to happen?”

“Under this military base are several floors made into various landscapes. We’ve placed captured monsters in each one and my soldiers are going to pacify them. I wish I could train against griffins or ponies, but that would be slightly more difficult.”

“Well, the ponies have yearly wargames. You might could ask Celestia about doing some joint training, since you guys are all buddy-buddy now.”

“Hm.” She finally stepped inside, leading me into yet another dull building with long stretches of hallways. “Ditto will be leading. We will be acting as civilians the soldiers are escorting.” She looked my way for a moment before smiling darkly. “Civilians with teeth, of course.”

She entered a door leading straight down into darkness, though I could see several pheromone trails leading in. I made sure to stay as close as possible to her so I didn’t miss one of the steps. And if I did, I didn’t have far to fall before hitting something fun.

It didn’t take too long to reach the bottom, at least. We entered an unlit barracks with three rows of six soldiers each standing at attention in front of us. Ditto was at the far right of the first row, making nineteen. It seemed each soldier stood a little straighter when they realized Chrysalis was there.

“You will be escorting my aide and I,” Chrysalis said. “Keep us safe. We will defend ourselves if need be. I hope the need will not arise. Ditto, begin the exercise.”

“Squad one, point. Squad two, guard the queen. Squad three, rear guard.” What about me? “Move out.” The front line of troops started moving down yet another staircase on the far side of the barracks. Chrysalis nodded once, then prodded me behind them. I shrugged and followed. The next squad fell in behind me, then Chrysalis followed them. I was already going down, but I assumed the last squad followed her.

The sight at the end of the staircase was… surreal. I don’t know how they managed to put a fucking desert underground, including the desert sun, but they managed. I’m talking full Saharan with sand everywhere, not the boring Arizonan desert with its shitty red dirt and weird plants all over the place.

At first, I thought it was some kind of illusion magic. But then I started feeling the heat seep through my carapace and into my fleshy bits. The fact that there wasn’t a roof had to be an illusion, but the heat was real.

“Keep an eye on the sand,” Ditto said as he came down the staircase. I turned to look at him and realized the stairs were gone, as was the wall they were inlaid into. “This exercise is live and we found some very unpleasant monsters.”

Each of the soldiers nodded, but my mouth dropped. “This is live?” I choked, turning to Chrysalis.

She smirked. “Indeed it is, Camo. Don’t worry. They’ll protect you… If you keep up.” She nodded back behind me and I turned to resignedly follow the first squad.

Flo, if shit hits the fan, make me a weapon. Go full fucking tyranid if you have to.

“Oh, don’t worry. If things get bad, we’ll be walking out, no matter what. Chrysalis might have an accident, though…”

Avoid that if you can. I’ll need her to turn me back, because convincing Taya or Celestia I’m not actually a changeling might be annoying. Also, I really want to put my dick in her again.

“I hate you sometimes.”

I know.

Changelings, apparently, do not sweat. They just get really hot very quickly. I found myself panting in the heat only twenty minutes after we started. Most of the soldiers were faring the same way. It sapped our strength and awareness, which is probably why we didn’t notice the sand moving on its own until it was just a few feet away.

When the large worm shot out of the sand, the only reason we didn’t lose half of the first squad is because of their uneven spacing. As it was, the thing managed to devour the changeling right in front of me before any of us could react. Thankfully, it just kept sliding through the sand, trying to get down before its exposed body could be hurt.

It failed, luckily. As something grabbed my tail and yanked me back, two changelings from first and three from second jumped forward and turned into giant ants. They immediately started biting that fucker apart, making it thrash around in the sand.

I decided not dying was the better part of valor and turned my ass into a fucking tortoise, then hid in my shell. After a minute or so of feeling the sand jerk around, everything finally went still, aside from heavy breathing. That’s when I turned back into a normal changeling dude. Or at least, what I hoped was a normal changeling dude.

The worm had been hacked to pieces and a very nasty changeling was wiping ichor off himself. After a quick count, I figured that was probably the fellow that got swallowed. I’m surprised that ichor shit isn’t acidic.

“Don’t tempt fate,” Flo cautioned. I considered that a valid point and stopped thinking about it. “Though you could have helped, you know.”

It’s their exercise, not mine. I’m here to observe, not assist. I observed them killing the shit out of a worm.

“And then you covered your eyes.”

No one asked for your opinion.

“Move out!” Ditto called. “You can clean yourself on your own time.” The filthy fellow sighed and fell back into formation as we started walking yet again.

Fuck, it is hot. Flo, think they’d be mad if I turned into a camel?

“They can be mad all they like. Do it.” I shrugged and suddenly grew several inches. All the changelings stared for a few seconds, but none commented and they all went back to walking and watching. Meanwhile, I instantly started feeling cooler. Or more likely, caring less about how fucking hot it was.

The next monster we ran into was some kind of horrifying scorpion thing. But it had arms ending in hands and a human-like face attached to its main body. It looked freaky as hell and moved far too fast to be natural. “What is that?” I had time to ask before it was on us.

It went right for the second squad and grabbed one of the changelings. As it brought its stinger down, the changeling morphed into a tortoise and blocked it. The scorpion tried to let go and get a better target, but this tortoise decided to bite, holding on for dear life.

Meanwhile, the other changelings of squad two turned into naga and slithered up to the bastard. While he was distracted with the tortoise biting him and fucking his hands up, they started grabbing his legs. As soon as the thing realized he was surrounded, his tail started flailing wildly before something stopped it in its place, presumably magic.

At that point, the only defenses the guy had were his small teeth. The naga casually ripped off his legs and the scorpion started howling. That made the naga start laughing as they tore into this body, taking apart whatever they could find. Soon enough, there was nothing left of whatever the hell that was but greasy body parts strewn over the sand.

Well, that was fucking horrifying. Flo?

“Pabilsag,” she said. “Part human, part scorpion. Another legend from another time.”

Go figure. All the changelings turned back to normal and our dark party continued its march.

Twenty minutes later, we got to the end of the hellish desert. I can’t even call it an ‘end’, because another staircase just appeared in the air in front of us and the first squad started walking down. We were in that awful place for an hour and I think most of the changelings might have had heatstroke.

Then we stepped into a jungle. This time, the heat was wet and nasty, not dry and arid. There wasn’t any wind kicking up sand, but vibrant vegetation moved all around us, replete with signs of life.

One particularly large sign of life started growling as soon as I got into the jungle. My eyes met the black cat’s hellish pupils and then he pounced. I lifted my front hooves up to try to stop him before I could even think about it. Then both of them turned into large scythes and my entire body became plated and spiky.

The dingonek’s scaled body met my plates and swords and pushed me back several inches before he stopped and disengaged. I rose to my new full height of three meters, well above his head. Its eyes seemed to widen and it spun about to run, but I lunged forward and slammed both scythes into his back.

They pierced right through his heavy armor and I ripped his scales aside, then brought in my razor sharp teeth to rip out his spine. When I had half the bones free from his back, my mouth just tore straight through the bone and swallowed the mouthful whole, leaving a torrent of blood dripping from my teeth. Needless to say, the dingonek collapsed and started twitching.

With him dead, I took a moment to actually study the body Flo put me in. As I said before, my arms were scythes, my entire back was covered with jagged spikes, my bottom half was a tail shorter than a naga’s, and I think my teeth were longer than my normal forearm. There was absolutely no doubt that she turned me into a tyranid. I tried chuckling, but it only came out as a horrid rasping sound that made the changelings that were staring at me jump back.

“That is enough, Camo,” Chrysalis said. “Though I’m impressed with the improvisation.”

I slowly lowered my body back to a more natural stance, then warped back into a changeling. “Thank you, your majesty.”

Ditto stared at me for a few seconds before saying, “You will show me that form again when we return to the base. If you survive. Move out, same formations!”

I had no intentions of not surviving, that was for fucking sure. And the way the others skirted around the body of the dingonek, I figured they’d be treating guarding me with a little more respect.

Or a little less care, since I could apparently look after myself…

In the desert, we could follow the top of the dunes. There wasn’t a path, per se, but the way was clear and you never had to wonder if you were walking in a straight line, because you could just look back at the footprints.

Jungles, however, are fucking awful. There’s nothing like a road you can follow, so there’s no way of knowing if we were going in circles. Everything’s alive and almost everything is wet. Worse, everything’s always moving, even things that aren’t hostile. Most of the troops were already very jumpy due to being attacked three times already. Adding in everything looking like it might be reaching for them just compounded the effect.

I’m just glad that I couldn’t smell all the rotting vegetation I could feel squelching under my feet.

“Hold.” The entire patrol stopped whatever they were doing at the single word from the fellow on point. “Massive ant mound. Better to go around.”

“Why not above?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“We’d have to turn into birds to get anywhere in this vegetation,” Ditto said. “Do you know what lives in jungles?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Spiders that can eat birds. We go around.” The changelings up front started going around the large clearing we were coming up on. Two of them kept an eye on it, just in case any ants detected us and thought we would make a good meal.

It should be said that this wasn’t a giant ant mound, but rather, a large ant mound. Giant being pony-sized, large being pencil-sized. These were bullet ants, which could still easily fuck someone up… if they could get through our carapaces.

Thankfully, they seemed content to ignore us. They probably either realized there were too many of us for them to handle or they realized we weren’t food.

Of course, there are downsides to having a bug-like carapace. After all, where there are ants, there are those that feed on ants. And where there are very large ants, the things that feed on them have to be exponentially larger…

Since I was near the front of the patrol, I didn’t notice anything was amiss until the shouting started. I turned back to the third squad and beheld yet another well-armored giant thing slurping up a changeling with a giant fucking tongue. “Is that an anteater?” I whispered, blinking a few times.

No one answered, of course. The changeling that was getting eaten turned into a buffalo before he could make it into the actual mouth, so all he did was body-slam its armored face then fall to the ground. That gave the other changelings time to jump to action, at least. None of them could transform into much that could penetrate its armor, but second squad was apparently full of mages. One of them gathered all the water in the area and tossed it onto the thing while the others peppered it with lightning.

After a few seconds of that, the giant thing fell to the ground, smoking and leaking blood from its eyes, mouth, and nose.

“Throw a fireball at it and move on,” Ditto said. “We need to move before the ants realize we killed their predator.” Each of the changelings in squad two threw a large ball of fire at the thing, just to be sure, before we all started moving in what was hopefully the right direction. I had no fucking clue where we were going or where we had been, at that point.

Seriously, fuck jungles. I was all too happy to see the next staircase materializing from the air and from the speed at which the first squad ran to it, they felt the same damn way.

When I stepped into a frozen taiga, I immediately wanted the jungle back. We were all covered in droplets of water that started freezing to us as soon as we stepped into the frigid environment. Compared to the jungle’s constant movements around you, this place was eerily still.

And God help me, the cold reminded me of the undead I had so recently escaped.

I immediately shifted into a bear, because fuck the cold. My furry hide felt amazingly warm compared to the short time of previous frigidity. The troops around me stared for a few seconds before shaking their heads and moving on.

They were just jealous I thought of it and they didn’t.

This time, the first creature we wondered upon was an elk. It looked up from the snow it was pawing at and just turned around to wander away. None of the changelings said a word, so I ignored it. Surprisingly, this actually didn’t end up stabbing me in the back.

Despite being hellishly cold, the taiga was also strangely beautiful. Tall evergreens loomed over us on all sides and snow covered the ground, somehow having snuck through the branches. Mist fogged at everyone’s breath and most of the changelings quickly grew covered in frost from the dew droplets we hit in the jungle. The pale sunlight reflected off it quite nicely, though none of them took the time to appreciate its beauty.

Probably because they were all fucking freezing. Well, except for Chrysalis, who decided to become a large lady bear, because she actually has common sense.

Half an hour later, I realized our enemy in that biome was apparently just the cold. We hadn’t run into any monsters when the next staircase appeared in front of us. I assumed that meant they’d strike while half of us were off that floor, so I was looking forward to seeing what the last squad would do.

Imagine my surprise when that actually didn’t happen. We all got to the next area without any issues.

This staircase deposited us in a cave. At first I thought we were done, but then the changelings started moving out yet again. After that, I took a moment to wonder if they magicked up a whole cave environment, or just dug it out naturally and left it alone. Then I turned back into a changeling because I was getting hot.

All the others took a moment to shake their bodies to divest them of the rapidly melting ice. It silently splashed around the cave we were in as a few changelings in group two sent out lights to flank us. That was probably unnecessary, but being able to see farther is always good in a combat environment.

It definitely saved us from the first ambush. I wasn’t even looking at the ceiling, but one of the scouts apparently was, because he called for a halt. “Up above, ten meters ahead,” he said. One of the lights immediately zoomed to that area, revealing ten large gel-like creatures up there. “Ugh, slimes.”

“Fire for effect,” Ditto said. Just like that, second squad opened up with fire balls, knocking those creepy things right off the ceiling, then melting them on the floor before they could start moving toward us. “Disgusting things. Keep moving.”

Flo?

“You read about them in an underground monster manual once. They land on something that walks under them and drown them, then dissolve the body. It’s quite gruesome.”

Yeah… Our column continued moving, though we all sidestepped around the horrid slimes. Once more, I thanked whoever that I didn’t have to smell it.

The lights did not help save us from the second ambush. No, what saved us from that one is the ineptitude of those doing the ambushing. Thirty weird frog-like things jumped up around second squad, croaking creepy war cries and launching stone spears at us. I was worried at first, because it sounded freaky as hell and the spears looked threatening, but then they just bounced off the squad’s carapaces.

The changelings just watched as the frogs ran up and started tapping them. I want to say punching, but there wasn’t enough strength behind those little pushes. Chrysalis looked up from the four prodding her and asked Ditto, “Did we actually waste time capturing froglodytes?”

“No, your majesty. They must have snuck in the cave somehow.” He backhoofed the one that was attacking him, sending it sprawling onto the cave floor.

“I thought as much,” Chrysalis said, rolling her eyes. “Soldiers, eradicate this filth.”

They leapt into action, not even bothering to change form. Each one just started crushing the little frog things. After half of them were dead, the rest got the message and started breaking off. Chrysalis smirked and each one that ran was immolated from the inside.

Ditto sniffed in distaste. “If these things were living here, they would have dealt with every other monster, or they would have already been killed. Keep moving.”

I had no idea how such uselessly weak creatures could kill some of the horrifying shit I’ve seen in this world, but none of them questioned it and they kept moving at a faster pace, seemingly unworried about their surroundings. I still made sure to keep watch, because I didn’t want to get blindsided by the kind of monstrous shit that lives in the dark, hidden places of the Happy Sunshine Horse World.

Thankfully for us all, we got to the next staircase unchallenged. I doubt the frog things had anything to do with that, but I also wasn’t about to complain. The next staircase took us outside the cave, to a mountainous area. We were actually on the side of a mountain, looking down toward a large beach followed by an even larger ocean, probably about a kilometer away.

“This will be the last room for today,” Chrysalis announced when she arrived.

“But your majesty, what about—”

“The last room,” she said again, staring right at Ditto. He bowed his head, then called for us to begin moving.

The column started moving immediately, then just as quickly stopped when something shot out of the rocks to our right. Something taller than I was as a tyranid pulled itself free from the mountain and lifted a club the size of five changelings up with it. I had never seen a mountain troll in real life, and was honestly wishing I’d never have to see one. This one ran a massive hand down his face to dislodge any loose rocks, then balefully gazed upon us. When he saw that we were changelings, he roared so loud that I could feel the mountain shake, then swung his club along the ground faster than any of us could dodge.

All of first squad went flying through the air, cast aside in this guy’s opening strike. Third squad immediately jumped forward. Half of them morphed into manticores and the others turned into teenaged dragons. Two of the dragons went for his arms, trying to wrestle them into submission. The third used his claws to start swiping at his iron-hard chest. The manticores began swooping around his body and jabbing him with their stingers. Nothing they did would be fatal since they didn’t actually have any poison, but they did act as giant mosquitos that enraged the fucker.

While third squad acted as a distraction, second squad surrounded the queen. Some kind of magic bubble went up around them and then all the changelings stuck their horns together.

The troll decided not to wait on them. Despite looking like dragons, the changelings had only a fraction of the actual strength of one. Even at full strength, teenage dragons would have nothing on a fully grown mountain troll. The fucker threw his right arm to the side, immediately dislodging the dragon there, then grabbed the one attacking his other arm by the tail and used him to beat the changeling slashing his chest. Both of them reverted forms and he tossed the one in his hand aside.

The manticores surrounding him decided to get out of dodge as he started to swipe at them. Squad two had not been idle, and a chunk of ice started gathering in the air in front of them. After a few seconds, it started taking the form of a large spike as it continued to grow. As soon as the way was clear, they shot the spike toward the fellow. The first few inches shattered against his naturally hard skin and bones, but after nearly a foot of ice ground off, it began piercing his flesh.

Of course, he chose that moment to bring his club back up and break the spike off halfway, leaving a small chunk of ice embedded into his chest. Then he lifted that club up and slammed it into the shield. The manticores started hounding him again, but trolls are sort of sapient and this one knew exactly who the queen of the changelings was. He was out for blood.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t let him get it. “Flo, how big do you think we can get?”

“Not big enough to be a hive tyrant, unfortunately. I have something else in mind, anyway. Fly above him.” I shot into the air, knowing I needed to hurry. He kept lifting his club up the same way to strike at the same place and all of his attention was focused down there, so getting above him was relatively easy.

Once I was safely in place, Flo waited until his arms started moving back down, then changed my body back into a large tyranid warrior, this time with massive leathery wings. I wasn’t expecting them, though, so I just plummeted down on top of his head. I reflexively tried wrapping my legs around his head to stop from sliding off, but only succeeded in wrapping my long naga-like tail around his neck.

When I was fairly secured, I looked at my scythe arms, then took a deep breath and slammed them into his eyes, as far in as I could get them. I was in the perfect position for it, so I soon felt my arms come to a halt as I hit the back of his skull. He had been in the process of lifting his club back up, and it came all the way to the ready position again before he actually realized what I had done. Even with two gaping wounds in his brain, his arms let the huge club go and he tried feeling his face to see what was blocking his vision.

It didn’t take him long to realize there was something wrapped around his head and neck. One of his large hands grabbed me, ignoring the bony spikes on my back, and tried tugging me off. My tail kept me in place, but him tugging still moved me enough that my blades began swishing around in his brain matter, fucking him up even more.

After two tugs, he finally groaned in pain and gave one last tug that ripped my arms and body free and gave all the changelings a shower of blood, eye jelly, and brain as the serrated blades pulled out.

Even then, the fucker still had the strength to toss me aside and lift his hands back to his ruined face. I caught myself in the air, since I was much more used to those wings, and slowly lowered myself back to the ground as his body finally realized the extent of the damage and he started to collapse.

The changelings in front of him booked it, getting the hell out of the way of his large body as it came tumbling down. When his corpse finally hit dirt, I slithered over and started going to town on his neck with my massive scythes. Even though he should be dead, I didn’t want to risk anything. The changelings that hadn’t been injured rushed to find those who were and check on them.

Chrysalis came to stand next to me, watching me at my work. “That’s highly unnecessary, Camo.” I tried talking, but tyranids didn’t really evolve complex vocal cords, so I just growled and hissed instead. “Your queen commands you to stop.”

I slowly pulled up my bloody scythes, turning to face her. She casually stared at me. I lifted one of the blades to my mouth and ran it through my teeth, letting the delicious blood and brain seep down my throat. She didn’t say a word, so I leaned in close and hissed again.

“Turn back to a changeling, Camo. This form of yours is most unappealing.” With a flash of green flame, I did as she asked. “You did a good job of bringing this beast down.”

“Do not trick me again, Chrysalis,” I quietly said. “You should have told me this would be dangerous.”

“I have no intention of letting you come to harm. If things become problematic, I will teleport us out instantly. You’ve handled yourself marvelously. Ditto would probably offer you a commission, if I wasn’t going to tell him at the end of this. This troll was the most dangerous thing on this level, so just deal with it for a little longer.”

“Tch. We should be flying. It’s faster and there are fewer things with wings that can attack us.”

“I have considered the same thing. We are too light and individually weak to be on the ground. Feel free to ask him when the exercise is over.”

“I plan on it.”

“Good. What is that shape you keep taking? I’ve never seen anything like it, not even among the demons in Tartarus.”

“Something from stories back in my world. It’s called a tyranid. I could probably make it look a lot scarier and be a lot more dangerous, if I had more power.”

“It looks dangerous and scary enough as it is. Should we field a few of those, there will be no army willing to stand in our way.”

“The tyranid remind me of the changelings in a lot of ways. They have a hive mind and their sole purpose is to consume other life. Don’t fall down that path, Chrysalis. The tyranids are mindless consumers, enemies to all life. What you were, just a short time ago. In a world like this, being friendless and combative is a bad thing to be.”

“Why do you think I have been so quick to accede to the many demands Celestia made upon me? Or so quick to agree to the peace the griffins asked for? I even sent an emissary to that wretch of a love princess.”

“Speaking of her, she apparently has some way of feeding changelings using love magic. I didn’t get the details because I didn’t care, but you might be interested.”

“I am extremely interested and you should have told me this immediately. I will send her a letter as soon as we get out of this stupid project. There’s no love lost between her and I, but if she has something that may help my people, I would kiss her hooves to get a glimpse at it.”

“I doubt she’d go that far. Just talk at you about love for hours. She likes doing that. It’s annoying.”

“I can only imagine. Now come, it’s time we moved on.” She stepped past the troll’s body and walked up to the largest concentration of changelings. “Ditto, are we set to keep moving?”

“Yes, your majesty. Three dead, and none of the changelings in the first squad can walk anymore. We stabilized the worst of them, but our mages are tired after holding that shield.”

“For their valiant sacrifice, I shall heal the wounded,” Chrysalis said. “Give me a moment.” She began walking around the changelings, healing each one that was injured. After seeing Taya and Twilight heal me enough times, it was obvious that Chrysalis actually had a lot of experience with that kind of magic. Her patients didn’t seem too drowsy or weak after the healing process. Each one looked fully ready to keep going for several hours.

Of course, it could also be that Chrysalis is hellishly old and incredibly powerful.

After five minutes of awkwardly standing around, Chrysalis stepped back in front of her general. “It is done.”

“Thank you, your majesty. Third squad, take point. First, watch our backs. Second, you have the queen and her aide. Move out.”

We continued moving in pretty much the same formation, though third squad was missing a person and they were in front now. The bodies laid where they fell, so I assumed they didn’t bother recovering their dead. Or maybe a cleanup crew was going to come in behind us, now that we had dealt with all the monsters. After all, we left a lot more bodies than just our own.

After that awful troll, we got to the bottom of the mountain with no real issues. It fed directly into a beach, so we started padding across the annoyingly loose sand. Every step brought me up to the first hole in my leg, so I morphed into a fawn. That made me light enough that I rarely sink and when I did, my skinny legs easily slid out. Once again, none of the changelings commented.

About halfway to the ocean, the sand started trembling. I immediately shifted into a giant sea turtle and put most of my extremities into my shell. The changeling squads all circled up, surrounding the queen and watching outward. Seconds later, a giant enemy crab practically jumped out of the sand. One of its claws was huge while the other was only the size of a normal changeling. As soon as it saw us, the thing turned to face the mountain and started skittering across the sand toward us.

I want to say the changelings had some kind of epic battle with the thing. It would make what happened sound a lot cooler. But I’m afraid that isn’t the case.

Once it got within five meters, one of the changelings bounded forward and turned into an elephant with tusks, then ducked his head down and rammed the crab. When they were stuck in place, the elephant shot his head up, catching the crab under its side legs by the tusks and flipping it onto its back. After that, the changelings just piled on top of the thing and struck its weak spot repeatedly for massive damage.

It was kinda sad, really.

Once they cracked its shell and ripped out its gooey parts, we continued moving toward the ocean. So if he could turn into an elephant, why couldn’t I turn into a hive tyrant?

“An elephant is, at most, four meters tall. They probably have the same amount of biomass as the tyranid I turned you into before. A tyrant is at least twice as large, with probably more than four times as much mass. They also have more arms and extremities than you’d know what to do with. Consider yourself lucky I didn’t just turn you into a hummingbird to let you peck at their eyes.”

When you get free, I am going to embarrass you in front of all your family.

“And I’ll be sure to embarrass you in front of Taya.”

Bitch.

“Whore.”

I kinda wanted to stick my tongue out again, but it would have looked funny if any of the changelings were watching me and I didn’t want to embarrass Chrys-Chrys. We were coming up on the ocean anyway, so I figured I should pay attention to my surroundings instead of thinking of ways to make Flo suffer.

A few minutes after we killed the giant crab, we all stood in front of the water. There wasn’t a staircase leading out and there wasn’t a boat, so I didn’t really know what we were supposed to be doing. Then I saw all of second squad staring intensely out into the ocean and assumed they were magicking something up.

Sure enough, a decent sized boat slowly rose out of the eerily calm ocean, finally making a few waves on its surface. It was an old-fashioned viking thing with a single mast and a nasty tattered sail. I don’t know why the ship originally sank, but I was honestly somewhat wary about getting on a boat that already failed its one purpose. Unfortunately, all the cool changelings were doing it and Flo really wanted me to be popular, so I regretfully spread my wings and flew over to the wet ship. All the water inside was draining out, at least, so we probably wouldn’t sink too quickly.

The changelings arranged themselves around the edge of the boat. No one manned the oars. When we were all on board, the ship silently began to glide across the water. Strangely enough, it almost immediately started to rain, with clouds appearing from nowhere.

“How’s it raining in a cave?” I quietly asked, staring up at the clouds as though they’d answer.

“Shachihoko,” Ditto just as quietly replied. “Prepare to repel boarders.”

Creepily enough, all the changelings morphed into me, wings and all, then reached to the edges of the boat. They all grabbed handles that I thought were just handholds and pulled them, revealing their true purpose. Soon, each clone of me was wielding a rusty saber, hidden on board for just this purpose.

They armed themselves just in time, too. Four massive tiger fish shot out of the water and latched onto the sides of the boat. Of course, when I say tiger fish, I mean they had the head of a tiger with scales and the body of a fish. They held on by digging their serrated side fins into the ship’s railing.

“Push them back!” Ditto called. Just like that, the din of battle began.

Since it was currently accepted, I morphed into myself and grabbed a sword from in front of me. After a few tugs, the crappy blade came loose and I joined the battle against the nearest fish. There were far more of us than there were of them, but the fish things were a lot larger than us and it seemed they were hungry. Because of that, I jumped into the air and used the other changelings as a distraction. There were plenty of handholds on its back, so I flew over to it and held on with one hand, using the other to poke and prod around, looking for weak spots. If I had my own sword, I’d just stab the fucker and call it a day. Unfortunately, I just had a piece of shit that broke as soon as I jammed it under a scale.

Thankfully, it had the desired effect. The fish thing started thrashing madly, trying to dislodge me and the sword. The changelings took advantage of its pain and all jumped forward to take out its weak points. Two stabbed its eyes and two sliced through its fins, making it start sliding back into the water. I dropped the sword’s handle and jumped back onto the deck as it fell beneath the waves.

The other changelings were handily dealing with their own fish, so I walked up to Chrysalis, morphing back into a changeling as I did so. “Why that body?” I asked.

She barely spared me a glance before turning back to the battle. “Better sword handling skills. Dogs and cats can barely grasp blades. There’s also the wings, which makes movement much easier. And I may or may not take a few of them back to the castle with me every night.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” Soon enough, the last fish slid under the waves. “The swords should be magically shielded. Only half lasted that whole battle.” Those that did were slid back into their holding areas while the changelings all turned back. Thankfully, there were no injuries among the changelings.

“Add that to the list of things to mention to Ditto.” Right after she said that, the final staircase appeared. She lifted a hoof up and slammed it into the ground. The down staircase disappeared and one next to it leading up appeared. “We are done here.” The soldiers all bowed and let her enter the staircase first. I followed immediately behind, so I could get a good view of her ass the whole way up. The changelings behind me probably didn’t approve, but I was too busy looking at a sexy bug butt to care.

It took us fifteen minutes to get to the top. When we did, all the random soldiers immediately went to their bunks. Chrysalis kept walking, so Ditto and I followed. We retraced our steps out of the building, then flew up to Ditto’s office.

When we got there, Chrysalis magicked the door shut while Ditto walked to the other side of his desk. “Ditto, this is Navarone,” she said, nodding at me. When she said that, I turned into myself.

“That is a changeling, your majesty,” Ditto replied.

“Because I turned Navarone into a changeling. I wanted him to see how we operate, without any of my subjects knowing he was there.”

“I see.”

“And he has a few comments and concerns. Navarone, if you would?”

Honestly, I didn’t really feel like listing them all out. But I knew it might help, so I started from the beginning. Thankfully, I don’t have to do it again, because fuck you. An hour later, Chrysalis and I were flying back to the palace.

“I had never thought to transform into a fictional creature,” Chrysalis said. “How did you know it would work?”

“Because to me, you’re all fictional creatures. In a world with magic and turning people into other species, why couldn’t I become something that probably doesn’t exist here? It’s still a biological critter, even if it might not be one that you could run into in the streets. And besides, you can modify your own body at will, into anything you need it to be. Why couldn’t I just modify my entire body at will to look like a tyranid? That way, it doesn’t matter if I could or couldn’t turn into a fictional species.”

“Fresh perspectives are very valuable. I should have wiped your mind and made you a servant a long time ago.”

“Bad Chryssi. We’re trying to turn you good, remember?”

“I said should have, not that I was gonna!”

“Uh huh. See to it that it stays that way. I would hate to have to not spank you.”

“Tch. Spare me,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You’d only hurt your hand. Besides, I’m far more interested in spanking than being spanked. Now, how about we make a detour to see your children?”

“Is Taya in the hive? If so, I might deign to see her…”

“The children we sired together. Don’t say you’re ashamed of me…?”

“We didn’t have them together. You tricked me and used my sperm against my will.”

“Against your will? It was freely offered!”

“...If you’ll recall, you had to drag me to your room with magic.”

“You certainly didn’t put up a fight, and were all too willing to accommodate me.”

“I also had several mood-altering spells on me!”

“Excuses. No male can deny my grace and beauty. There was never any doubt that you would succumb to me. There is no shame in it. Really, you’re only punishing yourself and your children. Them, by not having a father. Yourself, by not engaging in the joys of parenting.”

“I hate children.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I’m afraid we would never really work out… I’d certainly be willing to try, though.”

“It’s an offer I’ll keep in mind,” I drily replied. Especially if she really wanted to learn how to not be a complete bitch. I could see myself spending a few years in or around the hive. Especially if I could temporarily be a changeling with infinite food and a penis.

“Though if we got married, I would need a title for you. We can’t both be queen…”

“Queen consort, maybe?” I asked.

“Maybe. Here we are…” We finally landed in the palace, on her floor. “There are some things I need to take care of. It’s nearing night, so I will be back shortly. Wait for me in my room.”

“You got it. Don’t get too tired, of course. I’m gonna wear that pussy out on my own.”

“Uh huh.” She rolled her eyes again and hopped back out the window while I walked down the hall to her bedroom.

“So now’s your chance to voice your disapproval,” I said when I was on her bed.

“Oh, no. I quite like your idea,” Flo said. “I’ll be sure to help, too, since you might have difficulty with it.”

“God, I’m rubbing off on you so hard.”

“Not as hard as I’ll rub off in you,” she cheekily said.

“God, you are such a slut.”

“I learned from watching you.”

“And I’m so proud,” I happily sighed.

When Chrysalis got back, she waltzed over to the bed and fell into it. “Ruling an empire is hard,” she said as she snuggled up against me.

“Is it worth it?”

“Sometimes. I assume you want to turn back tomorrow?”

“You assume correctly. You seem tired anyway, so I don’t want to wear you out by making you do that much magic.”

“Right. That’s the reason.” She let me go and rolled onto her back. “Go ahead and ravish me, then,” she sarcastically said. “Let’s get this over with so we can go to sleep.”

“Happily,” I said as I rose from the bed. Flo?

She chuckled and my body started to change. I wasn’t going to be human for this one, unfortunately. I had something else in mind, something I always wanted to do but never thought I could. Chrysalis’s expression changed from bemused to interested to slightly horrified as my body grew and split, grew and split. Soon, I stood before her in all my glory.

“Um.” All my dozens of tentacles shot toward her at once.

(Sex incoming. ctrl+f “Sex is over” if you’re a pussy)

She definitely wasn’t expecting this one. I put slimy tentacles through all the holes on each of her legs, making sure she couldn’t move at all and completing my old wish of filling all those holes with dicks. Before she could speak out against my rough treatment, I slid another tentacle into her mouth and then down her throat. As much as I wanted to taunt her, I didn’t have a mouth at the moment and was relegated to stroking her body with five more slimy tentacles, covering her with their strange goo.

She moaned eagerly and started suckling on the appendage in her mouth, so I decided she had been teased enough. The tentacles holding her back legs in place pried them further open and lifted her back end up, letting me penetrate her waiting depths with the largest tentacle I made. She moaned again and bit down slightly before continuing to suck.

I wasn’t really expecting her to get into it so quickly, honestly. I quickly flipped her onto her stomach and pulled her ass end up yet again. This time, I lifted her tail out of the way and snaked another, smaller tentacle into her buggy ass, so I could explore all three of her holes at the same time.

Her entire body flinched with every thrust I made, since both tentacles plumbing her lower depths were doing so in unison. After a minute, she gave up trying to please the tentacle in her mouth, and just snaked her forked tongue out under it so she could freely drool. As hot as that was, it didn’t help me get off, so I started humping with that tentacle as well.

Because she seemed to be getting used to it, I started mistiming the thrusts. First I’d pump her pussy, then her ass, then her pussy again, then her mouth, then her ass. There was no way she could last long under that assault, and her body quickly clamped down on my slimy tentacles, squirting her love juices all over me.

I ignored it, of course. I wasn’t in it to get off just yet. I only included the barest minimum of sensory nerves in the tentacles, at the moment. I just wanted to fuck her in every way she could be fucked. My tentacles continued driving themselves into her.

In fact, I still had plenty to spare. I went ahead and decreased the size of the one prodding her ass and slipped in another two. Between the three of them, there were always two inside while the third thrusted. After another few seconds, I started twisting them around each other, as well.

Of course, I still had more. I sent one down to her clit to rub at it and play with the little pincers she was hiding there. They were currently spasming like crazy, trying to guide or move the large thing violating their owner. They settled for grasping at the smaller tentacle playing with her clit.

She still hadn’t cum a second time yet, so I started writhing the tentacles holding her legs down. She told me the holes down there were mildly sensitive, so I figured that would help. I also started morphing the shape of the ones inside of her, adding several nubs and ribs.

As soon as she felt my new additions, she moaned and came again, her entire body jerking in my grasp. Since she was trying to be naughty, I dedicated tentacles to spank each cheek. She said she didn’t feel it, but it still made me smile on the inside. After the first few strikes, her carapace actually started to turn slightly red and she began grunting in pain mixed with pleasure.

Think I should go true cave explorer? I thought to Flo as I began elongating one skinny tentacle.

“As amusing as it would be, it’s not worth the risk. We don’t know much about her body and you probably don’t want to find the end of that hole.”

Ugh, fine. Instead, I used that newly long tentacle to wrap around her belly so she’d stop jerking forward so much with every thrust into her folds. She gurgled appreciatively and that’s when I figured I should probably ease up on the throat fucking. Changelings probably can’t throw up, but I didn’t want to risk it.

Things took on a fairly steady rhythm. I filled her holes to their sexy limits and then pushed just a little more to make her uncomfortable. She still loved every second of it, even though tears were streaming down her face from having her face stuffed for so long. Or at least, I took the fact that she wasn’t using magic to throw me off to mean she enjoyed it, because I never gave her a chance to say anything.

After about half an hour of continuous stimulation, I decided she probably had enough. Both of her eyes were rolled up and she was barely moaning anymore, so I finally gave each tentacle proper nerve endings and a small hole for the grand finale. Let me tell you, going from not having a penis to having a dozen that are all being used to great effect is mind-numbing.

Left alone, I would have frozen up from shock and pleasure. Thankfully, Flo had my back and continued my game of tenderization. It just so happened that now, I was feeling just as great.

After the new feeling, it took me barely a minute to erupt. I pointed all the tentacles that weren’t inside of her toward her face and finally let loose, burying her in creepy green goo. She groaned as it coated the insides of her throat, booty, and vag, but could barely fight back as it slowly slid down her throat.

When I was sure she cleaned her plate, I slowly withdrew the tentacle from her mouth and wrapped it around her chest. I eased her into bed and then cuddled up against her from behind, all my other appendages still lodged inside of her.

She offered no complaints, of course. She was too busy panting in exhaustion to say a word. That’s how I came to fall asleep against the cum-splattered bug queen.

(“Sex is over” and so is the chapter)

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Two—About Time

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Two—About Time

All that changing seemed to take a lot out of me. When I finally woke up, Chrysalis wasn’t in her room and I had that strange hollowness in me again. I also wasn’t a tentacle monster anymore, but I kinda expected that. My first order of business was heading to the bathroom. My body may have been changing a lot, but some parts of me were probably still covered in sex fluids or something, and I didn’t want to risk running into any ponies that might smell it.

Chrysalis was soaking herself in her luxurious bath. All the goop from our activities was gone, so I assumed it was more for relaxation than getting clean. Her eyes briefly opened when she heard me walk in, but closed right back. “So you’re finally awake,” she murmured.

I shrugged. “Even great heroes get to sleep in sometimes.”

“Well, this so-called great hero has made his queen very sore. You may bathe yourself next door. I will be here until I can walk easily again.”

“...Was it worth it?”

“Absolutely. And you will never do it again. I shall turn you back before we greet the day. Leave me.”

“Sure you don’t want me to massage your insides again?” I asked, turning one of my legs into a tentacle and holding it up. “Might help you relax…” She threw me out the door with magic and slammed it behind me. I giggled the whole way into the bathroom next door.

Being able to transform hooves into hands makes cleaning a horse-like body a lot easier. Normally, showering as a pony takes half an hour just because it’s damn near impossible to actually do anything. This time it only took half an hour because I had a feeling Chrysalis would be in the tub for a while. Sure enough, when I got back to her room, she was still locked away in the bathroom.

“Think we went too far?” I asked as I hopped into the bed.

“Nah, she enjoyed it. And she could have stopped you at any time. Probably. And after going full diamond dog on you, I think she deserved it.”

“Alright, cool. I wouldn’t mind doing it to Celestia or Twilight, though…”

“Well, it’s the same spell they use when they turn you into a pony. All it would take is turning you into a changeling instead. Though you might not want to do it to Celestia. There’s a very good chance you’ll regret learning what emotions she exudes.”

“...I think I’ll stay human forever, actually. Some secrets are better off not known.”

“It could be pretty advantageous, though. Especially the ability to change at will.”

“And has the downside of requiring stealing emotions. I can’t have sex with the crew because Watcher would kill me and I can’t just drain Taya because I would kill her.” It also has the downside of secretly being a creepy bug thing that everyone’s afraid of.

“And they aren’t afraid of the real you?”

“I’ve earned my place in horseland. There are probably those that still fear me, but there are more that don’t. Though the whole lusting after me thing is kinda old.”

“Well, if you weren’t such a slut—”

The bathroom door slammed open and Chrysalis walked out in all her regality. “I’m tempted to punish you for this,” she said, limping over to the bed. “Perhaps show you in person what it’s like to have that much penetrating the wrong hole.”

“Hey, you told me to ravish you!” I quickly said. “Besides, you wouldn’t want to hurt innocent little me, would you?” I rolled over onto my back and tried my best to look as cute as possible.

She stared impassively. “You being adorable only makes me want to break you more.”

“...Alright, that’s not something a good person would say.”

She lifted her hoof up to my stomach and started rubbing it, making me flinch slightly. “I’m working on it, my dearest subject. Now what would you like to do on this fine morning?”

“Getting turned back would be nice,” I said, turning away from her wandering hoof.

“Oh, you don’t want to eat first? I thought you might enjoy it.”

She pulled her hoof away, so I rolled back over. “I don’t enjoy taking what isn’t freely offered. You said yourself they feel some revulsion, deep down. I don’t want anything to do with that.”

“Some of them feel revulsion,” she said, slipping her hoof back onto my belly. I tried to turn away again, but she held me in place with magic. “Some seem to enjoy being perfect little pets. Not many, though. Sometimes I wonder what it must feel like, to be so happy. To fit into your place so utterly. Do you?”

“...No. Can you stop that?”

She didn’t. “The next time you come to my hive, can we try it? For a day, maybe. You’re immune to love poison, but I doubt I am.”

My ears drooped down. “The last time I was involved with love poison, I got raped by Twilight. It remains the third most horrifying sex I’ve ever had.”

“The potion given to her was made from an adult pegasus in heat. It was designed more as a lust poison than a love poison. I will go out of my way to ensure that wouldn’t happen.”

“...There’s also the problem of me getting away. In order to break love poison, the lovers can’t gaze in each other’s eyes for an hour. You’re pretty powerful, both politically and magically. If I tried to get away, you could order me hunted down or teleport me back, if I couldn’t get my ring on in time. Or, you know, true magic.”

“True…” She sighed and finally stopped molesting my stomach. “Very well.” She narrowed her eyes and my body suddenly morphed, turning me human again. Then she reached up and booped me on the nose. “Get ready for the day, unless you plan to greet it nude.”

“I doubt your changelings would mind, but if any of Watcher’s crew saw me, he’d get all pissy with me.” I sat up and walked over to the bag of clothes Taya prepared for me. “Thankfully, I have a loving daughter that…” I opened the bag and saw nothing but pink. “I’m gonna force feed that little slut the nastiest vegetables I can find.”

Chrysalis poked her head over my shoulder and instantly caught a case of the giggles. “The great hero Navarone, decked out in a tiny pink skirt and a pretty little blouse… I’m sure my changelings will be so happy to look up to you now!”

I closed the bag and stood. “I’m going nude. Watcher can suck it.”

“...Really?” she sighed.

“I get stared at anyway. If I’m next to you the whole time, no changeling will try anything.”

“As amusing as it would be, I’m afraid I won’t allow it. Where are the clothes you wore originally?”

“Over there,” I said, waving to the wall where I threw all the dirty clothes. “But I’ve been wearing them for a while and sweated a lot in the heat.”

“We can’t smell anyway.”

“...I can.”

She rolled her eyes, grabbed the clothes with magic, then flashed them with some kind of ray. “There. Better?” She floated them to me and thrust them in my face. They actually smelled like vanilla.

“Much. Thank you.” I finally started getting dressed.

“Did you really just call your daughter a little slut?”

“You can’t prove a thing.”

She smirked and floated a lacy pair of panties out of the bag. “They really aren’t bad clothes, you know. Though I’m surprised you have them at all…”

“I have a fashionista on board that likes to see me suffer. She recently came upon a source of fresh spider silk and went a little overboard.”

“I advise staying on her good side,” she said, slipping the awful things back into the bag. “It would be wise to have the one making your clothing happy. Otherwise, things like this happen.”

“If she wasn’t so fun to tease, I’d agree.” I finally slipped the last shoe on. “And I’m ready.”

“Excellent. Let’s go.” We started walking out to the hall. When we got to the window leading into the hive, she said, “Meet me in the throne room. I shall be there shortly.”

“Alright. Can I cuddle one of the guards to make him feel awkward?”

“Yes.” She hopped out the window and flew up. I jumped and slowly descended. When I got to the ground floor, I let myself inside and walked straight to the throne room. As tempting as it was to confuse the shit out of a changeling, I decided not to mess with them, and instead just sat in the uncomfortable stone throne.

Though that seemed to confuse them enough. Half a minute after I sat down, a retainer walked in and bowed. “Your majesty, you have a few… special guests. Would you like me to show them in?”

“Give me a few minutes,” I said with a shrug. Maybe she has enough pheromones in this chair that they can confuse anyone that sits here with her.

“Yes, your majesty. Would you like to begin seeing your other petitioners?”

“No. Give me a few minutes.”

“Very well. I will come at your call.” He bowed again before walking right back out.

Sometimes I wonder about changelings.

“How many times has Chrysalis used you to sub in for her?” Flo asked. “Before, they treated you exactly like her. It’s possible he just assumed it was happening again and was acting accordingly.”

Neat. Wonder if I could get them to bring me tons of bitches.

“They’d probably bring ponies that would be all too happy to act like them.”

...Never mind.

Chrysalis finally decided to show up, walking in like she owned the place. “It is unwise to sit in my chair,” she said as she walked closer. “Some changelings might assume things.”

“I noticed. I told him to wait a few minutes.” I got out of her way and let her plop her skinny booty down. “Apparently you have special guests.”

“Hm. I was not made aware of this.” Her horn lit up and I heard a bell ringing. That retainer fellow walked in immediately. “What guests are here for me?” she asked.

“I’m… not really sure, your majesty. I don’t know what they are.”

“...Send for the elite guards and have them hold positions outside the palace. And then send the guests in.” He bowed and left. “Navarone, your ring?” I slid it on. “I very highly doubt these guests of mine will be trouble. But if they are, duck behind the throne. Things will get very unpleasant very quickly, and I will not have you in the way.”

“You know I can handle myself, right?”

She smiled. “You have not seen me truly fight, Nav. If things get dangerous, I will eradicate the menace immediately. I don’t want you in the way.”

“Right. I keep forgetting you’re older than Celestia.”

She shrugged and stared at the door. “Over such a timeframe, a few years matter very little.”

Flo finally broke her silence. “I believe you have nothing to fear. The guests might be my sisters.”

...Might? You don’t know?

“They didn’t exactly have a chance to tell me. And at such a close range, I can’t tell for sure exactly where they are. But I believe it’s them.”

What would they even want?

“If I had to guess, I’d say they were going to offer to advise Chrysalis.”

This’ll be good.

Sure enough, five water elementals oozed into the room moments later. I recognized Brook and Aqua, but not the others. Aqua and one of the randoms stopped a few meters into the room. Brook and the other two continued on. Brook stopped at an acceptable distance while the other two slithered right up and then onto me, which made me realize quickly they were Rain and Raine.

Chrysalis watched them with a raised brow before turning to Brook. “I take it you are a water elemental?” she asked.

“You are correct,” Brook said. “My name is Brook. Those two are Rain and Raine. The two behind me are Aqua and Naiad.”

“Why are those two accosting Navarone?” she asked, sparing me a glance. The two of them giggled.

“Because Navarone saved them and they are fond of him. It does no harm and he hasn’t asked them to stop, so I see no need to put an end to it.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Very well. Nav has told me you seek to free another of your kind nearby, but I have already given permission for that. What do you need from me?”

“How much of our history has Navarone discussed with you?”

“Very little. He has informed me that you are ancient enemies of Discord. That is all I know. I can assume that if you are so old that not even I have heard of you, you must truly be ancient.”

“We are. Ancient and wise. Did he tell you that we are able to leave a part of ourselves inside a host and communicate directly with him or her?”

“Yes. I have heard him communicating with the one within him.”

“With age comes wisdom, Queen Chrysalis. With great ages comes great wisdom. You are a queen with a history of troubles, beset on several sides with enemies. Only recently have you fallen into a life of peace. My sisters and I would like to offer you an advisor. One of us would take you as a host and assist you in any way possible.”

Chrysalis leaned back in her seat and lifted a hoof to her face. “That is an interesting offer, Brook. Tell me, did Celestia take it?”

“So far, you are the first to whom this offer has been made. Navarone and Flo have spoken to us at length about Celestia, and we believe it unlikely she would take one of us as an advisor.”

“And yet you thought it likely that I would do so?” Chrysalis asked.

“They have not spoken to us of you.”

“But he has spoken to me of you,” Chrysalis said, leaning forward again. “He told me you threatened him and a friend of his, Brook. That doesn’t seem very peaceful to me.”

Brook turned a slight shade of red. “Peace at a reprehensible cost is still peace. You are not unfamiliar with that concept, I’m sure.”

“I knew full well what I was doing was wrong. My act was primarily of desperation, not a warped sense of right and wrong.”

Brook seemed to sigh and turn back into her normal blue. “I am not here to debate morality. You are young and would not likely understand—”

My turn to jump in. “Being young isn’t what makes her not understand, Brook,” I said. “Being sympathetic does. You’re so old you lost sight of what it means to be human. The rains and Aqua were trapped, so they lost a few years. But you’ve been free and in charge for far too long and you’ve become so warped by it you don’t even know right from wrong anymore. You see lives as numbers to control, not people to rule.”

“I did what I thought was for the greater good,” Brook said. “Your opinion on the matter is biased.”

“And yours isn’t? How many years did you pretend to be a god? Think that didn’t go to your head a little?”

Her ‘eyes’ narrowed and she leaned forward slightly. “My mental well-being has nothing to do with this conversation, Navarone,” she said.

“I disagree,” Chrysalis said. “How can the blind lead the blind? You tell me you can assist me in being a better ruler, but you are too far removed from anything a normal sapient being would call good. What advice could you, or another of your kind, give me that would make me better? You count yourself blameless and perfect, but that is not what a queen is. I have made mistakes. I have lost lives that could have been saved. I have done wrong. And I can admit it. To me, that is the mark of a good ruler. I make mistakes and I learn from them. I do not make mistakes and make excuses for them. The time of the elementals is over, Brook. I have no need of your ‘help’. I suggest you take a long look at yourself before deciding someone else is worse off.”

Brook was starting to turn all kinds of funny colors, but with a main shade of a very dark red. “I would not necessarily be the one acting as your advisor. Naiad is wise and has been ruling for as long as I.”

Chrysalis looked past Brook and stared at the two elementals behind her. “One that has ruled as long as you is just as likely to be lost. A long life has warped my sense of right and wrong. I will freely admit it. You have not had long lives. You have likely had lives so full that you can’t even count the years. I have no interest in taking such a being inside myself. The only reason I am allowing another to be freed near my territory is because I fully trust the one that asked. I do not need or want your assistance. I do not need or want something living inside of me, seeing my memories and second-guessing my actions. I do not need or want something living inside of me that has so little sense of right and wrong that they can’t even see that threatening an innocent bystander only harms the greater good.”

Brook flashed a very bright red before turning icy blue. “There are other alternatives,” she quietly said. “Those that have not ruled for eternity. Rain and Raine were trapped in ice, unable to sense time as it passed. Aqua—”

Chrysalis held up a hoof, stopping Brook’s excuses. “I am not interested.”

Brook’s body started quivering slightly. Naiad watched that for a few seconds before moving forward. “Perhaps I can suggest a compromise, Queen Chrysalis. I spoke at length with the two changelings that lived in my underwater kingdom. They told me there is a subspecies of changelings, the drones. Given their… limited capabilities, one of my sisters could move inside and take it over indefinitely, since it would likely be incapable of fighting back. If you would like an advisor that has no way of exercising authority over you, and cannot see your memories, that is an option.”

Chrysalis leaned back again and lifted a hoof to her chin. After a few seconds, she said, “Wait in my anteroom. I will discuss this with my current advisor. But know that if I do allow this, I will place rules upon you.”

“That is acceptable,” Naiad said. “Come, sisters.” Brook lost her form and fled the room as quickly as possible. Aqua and Naiad sketched a shitty bow before departing. One of the rains groped my ass and then they both slithered off without a word.

When they were gone, I let out a shiver. “I hate those two creepers.”

“It seems the feeling is not mutual. You have lived with one for a while now. What do you advise I do, Navarone?”

I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “From what Flo told me, water elementals are generally kind and revere all life. From personal experience, that’s fucking bullshit and Flo is smoking crack. That said, these things are hella old and really well experienced. And on the off chance any of them actually are still kind, you could use them as a moral compass in lieu of me.”

“Hm. Given the options, who would you suggest?”

“That is the question,” I said, nodding. “Naiad suggested it, so she might have an ulterior motive. Aqua has her hands full with Twilight. Definitely not Ice or Brook. I don’t really know the others that well yet. Flo?”

She took a moment to consider before saying, “I am likely biased, but I would suggest Naiad. She has ruled, but Mist and Ice kept her more grounded. She is also an old friend, so it would be easier for us to keep in contact with Chrysalis, should it be necessary.”

“Hm.” I shrugged and said, “Flo suggests Naiad.”

Chrysalis snorted. “Does that suggestion come to assist us, or out of loyalty to her sisters?”

“I reckon that’s up to you to decide. Honestly, it doesn’t matter too much. As long as whoever we pick stays in the drone, there won’t be any issues. She can make all the suggestions she wants, but she can’t do a damn thing in that body to enforce them. Just don’t pick Brook, because she’s a total tool.”

“She is not useful enough to be classified as a tool. I will take my chances with Naiad.” Her horn lit up and I heard a bell chime from a side room. Moments later, a drone walked in and bowed. Her horn lit up brighter and another bell chimed from the main entrance. The doors opened and yet another drone entered. “There are things made of water out there,” she said. “Send them in.” It bowed and walked back out. Soon after, the elementals made their entrance. Thankfully, my two stalkers kept their distance.

“I trust you made the right decision?” Brook asked without prompting.

“I did not,” Chrysalis said. “Naiad, you may take this drone. Spend the day familiarizing yourself with the hive. I will have need of you when Navarone leaves.”

Naiad bowed slightly, but said, “I will know everything the drone knows, your majesty. There is no need for me to familiarize myself with anything it would know.”

“Drones know very little, water. He knows how to follow the correct pheromone trail to get to where he is ordered. I doubt he knows enough to recognize a building on sight. As a royal drone, you will be mostly invisible in my hive. Stay out of the way of my citizens, but learn as much as you can about what they know. And do not speak unless it is to me.”

“...Very well, your majesty.” Naiad drifted over to the drone and shoved her entire body into it. After a few seconds, most of her flowed back out and the drone twitched. “This shape is…” The drone shivered and actually started to speak. “This body is strange, its memories confused and muddled. Such a poor, pitiable soul… I would not wish this fate even upon the element of chaos.”

Chrysalis snorted. “After what that thing has done to me, I would wish any ill fate upon it. We will discuss the rules of this arrangement later. Leave me.”

Brook, Aqua, and Naiad’s main body left without a word. The rains both waved at me and one said, “We’ll see you soon, our precious little human…” Then they bailed. The drone followed in their wake.

“Creepy bastards,” I muttered. “So now what?”

Her horn lit up and a louder bell went off. A sentient walked out of a hidden side door. “Tell the elite guards they may return to their posts, then begin sending in petitioners.”

“Yes, your majesty,” he said with a bow, then walked out.

A few moments later, a party of three sapients walked in. “The delegation from Lost Gamma, I assume?” Chrysalis said.

“We renamed our hive Gocco,” the fellow in the lead said. “But we were once called Gamma. We have come to discuss terms for returning to the changeling empire. We would prefer doing so without a nonchangeling present.” His eyes flicked to me for a moment.

“Then you are free to discuss them with an empty room,” Chrysalis said. “Navarone is my current advisor. If he cannot be here for the negotiations, there will be no negotiations.”

“So be it. Should we return to your leadership, would we be guaranteed a stable food source?”

“Yes,” Chrysalis said with a nod. “Surely you noticed our arrangements on the way in.”

“We noticed that this hive has food. That does not mean we will get any of it.”

“You will. I will not let my subjects starve, not when food is available. It will stretch the other hives slightly, but we will survive.”

The random changeling nodded once. “And you are now friends with the ponies?”

“I wouldn’t say friends. We are no longer enemies, nor should we ever have been. We are also no longer enemies with the griffins, though their opinions of us remain low. As long as you release all the food and breeding ponies and griffins you currently have, those alliances will transfer to your hive.”

“And upon what conditions would you accept us back into the hive?” he finally asked.

“Releasing your pony and griffin slaves; swearing loyalty to me; submitting your tithe in soldiers, mages, and thinkers; and allowing my archivists to go through all the records you have kept. I will likely also swap groups of changelings into and out of your hive, to more quickly integrate you back into the fold.”

The changeling’s ears drooped at that last one. “I find that last condition disfavorable, Queen Chrysalis. We have bred out drones, and would not want to risk tainting our hive with more of them.”

Chrysalis slowly leaned forward. “You bred out the drones?”

“Yes. We’re currently working on breeding out the sentients as well. We have a higher than average number of magic users, based on our old records, and we have no changelings incapable of rational thought.”

“Has your hive efficiency decreased?” she asked.

“Yes. However, happiness has increased, despite a general lack of food.”

Chrysalis nodded once. “This bears studying. I will not move populations around. Your hive will be integrated into my kingdom, with all the perks that involves, as well as all the responsibilities. You will return to your hive and inform your ruler, then come to a decision. When you have done so, return.”

“If we decide to rejoin the hive, will we retain our old leader, as a form of governor?”

Chrysalis leaned back again. “That will be decided based on the records you provide me, as well as a few other factors. However, if he is a descendent of the one who decided to abandon my rulership in the first place, he will be replaced, though he will be allowed to keep an advisory position.”

“That is acceptable, Queen Chrysalis. Are there any other details of which we should be aware?”

She smiled. “I sent an open offer to all the rogue hives after our treaty with the ponies. You are the first to reply. I will certainly keep that in mind, especially if you agree to my generous terms. However, if you deny my offer, I will not make returning to the fold as easy should you decide to ask again.”

The lead changeling looked to one of his followers for a moment before turning back to us. “We left your leadership to seek a more friendly relationship with the ponies because we believed obtaining food would be easier as friends than as enemies. We were wrong. There are few that are freely willing to donate their life forces to creatures like us. You have done what we could not. Your offer will likely be accepted. I, at least, will push for it.”

Chrysalis nodded. “Return to me when you have a favorable answer. I look forward to greeting you again as a friend and subject.”

The fellow bowed. After a second, his two companions did as well. “And we look forward to rejoining our brethren.” With that, they all stood back up and walked on out.

When the door shut behind them, I asked, “How many rogue hives are there?”

“Two in the mainland. All three of the hives across the sea went rogue. I haven’t heard any news about them in a long time, aside from what my messengers reported when they delivered my offer. I knew Gamma was considering sending a delegation, but I wasn’t expecting it to arrive this quickly. The others will likely come around in time.”

“Is there anything particularly valuable in the rogue hives?”

“Apparently, yes. Ever since I signed the treaty with the griffins, I have considered working on breeding out the drones. Now I know it’s possible. I can study how Gamma did it and see the benefits and detriments on a closed society. I believe I can also find valuable resources in the hives across the sea, though transporting them without using powerful magic would be difficult.”

“You could make boats.”

“I could. Now that my kind has come out of the darkness, so to say, it would be wise to do so anyway. Truly, we have little need of trade. However, we do have need to be seen by the ponies and other races. They need to know we exist and that there is no need to fear us. Having us enter the world of trade would get us seen more than anything else.”

A thought came to me, one I knew I’d regret. “I’m probably gonna kick myself for this later, but do you remember hearing about a changeling that got caught at the Miss Equestria pageant thing?”

“I do.”

“In my world, there’s this thing called the Miss Universe pageant. Women from all over the world compete in it. It’s basically the Miss Equestria thing, but on a global scale. If this world had something like that and the changelings competed in it, that would also be a great way to be seen, especially if it blows up in popularity. I spoke to Cadance about it and she got some interest stirred up, but it didn’t go anywhere. I also spoke to some fluffy Canterlot noble about it. She seemed a bit more interested.”

“That is a very unconventional idea, coming from you. However, it is a good one. I will send a missive to the organizers of the Miss Equestria pageant, as well as Celestia and perhaps this fluffy noble of yours.”

“Her name’s Fleur de Lis. Her husband is Fancy Pants.”

“Ah, I remember him. Yes, I will do that soon. Being at the Europe party and the Gala helped our image already. Anything else I can do will be good.”

“Well, you could also get caught making out with Celestia. That shot Fleur’s reputation through the roof.”

She slowly turned to glare at me. After a few seconds, she just as slowly turned back to face the entrance. Her horn lit up and another bell went off, signifying the entrance of the next petitioner.

Right before lunch, a very familiar petitioner came to see us. Or more likely, came to see me. Spike nervously walked into the throne room, his claws bundled together in front of him. His wings were twitching slightly with each step. Thankfully, he had the sense not to wear a sword. Or he possibly had it taken when he was allowed in.

When he got just a few meters away, he paused for a moment before flinching and quickly bowing. He held it for an uncomfortable amount of time before Chrysalis decided to have pity on him. “Rise, dragon.” He shot back up and almost went unbalanced, but caught himself. “You are familiar, but I believe you have grown since I last saw you. Remind me of your name.”

“I’m Spike, your majesty,” he said. Thankfully, he seemed to relax slightly by her casual demeanor.

“That was it. Congratulations on earning your wings, Spike. Tell me, why do you come before me?”

“W-well, I actually wanted to… speak with Nav. If that’s not a problem, I mean!”

“I am going to recess soon for lunch. Navarone need not join me. Wait in my anteroom. He will join you shortly.”

Spike finally smiled and quickly bowed again. “Thank you, your majesty. See you soon, Nav!” With that, he quickly walked on back out, no longer nervous.

When he was out, Chrysalis looked over at me. “What do you think he wants?”

“Probably to check on me. Twilight had all manner of unkind things to say about you after what happened here before. She probably made him think you were dangerous or something.”

She snorted. “I am extremely dangerous. I assume she also made him think I would harm you?”

“Man, I don’t know. Twilight’s really, really racist. There ain’t no telling what she said. I know Spike was worried about me being down here, though.”

“Assuage his fears. The sentient that shows in petitioners knows my schedule for the rest of the day. When you are done with Spike, come and find me.”

“You got it, Chryssi.” She grabbed me with magic, dragged me over to her, and kissed me. Since I’m a slut, I let her tongue in my mouth and shivered as it slid down my throat.

After about half a minute, she pulled away. “I’m going to do that every time you use that awful nickname.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Chryssi.” She forced me in for another kiss. This time, she used one of her hooves to grope my ass. When she pulled away, I said, “This isn’t a punishment for me, Chryssi.”

She sighed and said, “I’m also going to blue bean you once for every time you say it.” My eyes widened right as she pulled me back for another kiss. This time, she didn’t give me a chance to talk after pulling away. “I’m going to eat. Speak to Spike.” With that, she magically abandoned me.

“Well, if she does decide to use cum denial on me, at least I know I have a loving water elemental that’ll be all too happy to fix that for me.”

Flo’s giggle did nothing to comfort me.

Neither did Spike’s big ol’ hug when I stepped out of the throne room. I returned it anyway, though. “I was getting kinda worried about you,” he said.

“No reason for it,” I replied, pushing him back. He was still grinning. “Chrysalis wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and all the changelings are incredibly polite.”

“I know, but after they attacked Canterlot…”

“Out of desperation. They aren’t desperate anymore.”

“Yeah… I don’t know. It’s just so… dark down here. I know they’re supposed to be our friends, but they still seem kinda menacing. And didn’t something bad happen to you the last time you were here?”

“What, the giant ants? That was just bad luck.”

“And the giant spider?”

“That led to Flo. But yeah, that was also just bad luck.”

“You have a lot of bad luck. Everypony knows it. You haven’t had anything bad happen to you since you came down here?”

“No, of course… Well, okay, nothing that the changelings caused. I ran into more ghosts, but that was entirely Ava’s fault.”

“...I knew we should have guarded you. They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

“No, no.” Just almost killed me. “They definitely weren’t happy to see me, though. Hopefully it’s taken care of. And besides, it’s not like you can really hurt ghosts.”

“You did, though. Back when you were in the bunker, right?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. But that was with my sword, either way. I don’t think you have an enchanted weapon just lying around.” Though he probably could have pulled me away from the abyss.

“True…” He took a moment to look around the palace anteroom for a moment before focusing back on me. “What do you even do down here, anyway?”

“I’m helping Chrysalis and the changelings with whatever they need. That’s usually either advice, help with solving problems, lots of kinky sex, or killing things that need killing.”

“You have… sex with Chrysalis?”

“Dude, you don’t even know. Anyway, I’m fine, Spike. Thanks for the concern, but it’s not really necessary. Though I’m kinda surprised Taya didn’t come with you.”

His ear spines twitched slightly. “That might be because I didn’t tell any of them that I was coming.”

“Yeah, that would do it. Well, do you need anything else?”

He brought his claws together again, somewhat nervously. “I wouldn’t mind just… I dunno, hanging out. We haven’t really had much time to spend together recently.”

“True. And I did kinda want to talk to you about what you discussed with Reginald.” His ears twitched again. “You want to walk? The hive is very large and there’s plenty to see.”

“Well… I wouldn’t want to get in the way.”

“You won’t. Most of the changelings fly. As long as we either stick to restricted airspace or the ground, we’ll be fine.”

“...Alright, I guess. Twilight might be mad, though.”

I smirked. “Then don’t tell her. Let’s go.” I started walking out. He immediately followed. “I just have a warning. You might see some ponies doing weird things. Ignore them.”

He blinked. “Ponies? In a changeling hive? What are they…” His eyes widened slightly and I swear he turned a little green. “Are they… food?”

“Yeah.” His eyes went even wider and he grabbed my arm. “None of the changelings are gonna hurt you, Spike. The ponies here are all criminals. Really, really bad criminals. The kind of people that should be sentenced to Tartarus. They chose this as their punishment instead. They’ve been hit with love poison and exude love for everyone around them, so they’re also harmless.”

He relaxed a little. “But the changelings could… dragon-nap me and use me as food?”

“Spike, you’re a dragon. Literally everything is food to you. But I don’t see you taking bites out of random people or objects.” He smiled slightly. “Just because you can eat anything doesn’t mean you’re going to. The changelings don’t need you as food. They won’t take you as food. They have all they need and they’re not going to expand their selection on the unwilling.”

“I don’t think random ponies would taste very good.”

“Not uncooked. Are you alright now?”

He finally let go of me. “Yeah. I just… I don’t think I’ll go too far away from you…”

“You were fine before you got to me, right?”

“...Yeah, I guess I was, though I was kinda nervous. You’re just really calming.”

“Weird. You ready?”

He finally smiled. “Yep. Are we gonna go see anything in particular?”

“Nah.” We finally stepped out of the palace gates. “I don’t really know the city all that well, myself. I mostly stare at Chrysalis’s ass whenever we go places.” The guards standing at the front doors twitched, but neither did anything. “I know where a few neat things are. How do you feel about mushrooms?”

“They taste alright, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

“Alright, cool.” I started walking toward the mushroom cave. “You were with Reginald for a while. Did he tell you any history, or was it all dragon stuff?”

Spike sighed. “Mostly dragon stuff. There’s a lot of dragon stuff, apparently.”

“I figured. Anything useful, at least? Aside from being able to make your tail spikey.”

“Kinda sorta, I guess… A lot of it was about managing myself. And not falling in love with other races…”

He sounded rather sour about that last one. “That rule is probably there for a reason, but the heart wants what it wants. If you make a go at a pony, I’ll probably support you, unless you go full retard and try to get Rarity again. You’ll live a lot longer than any pony, but better to have loved than something something.”

“...Something something?”

“Yeah. Long story short, you want to bump uglies with a pony, I’ll be your wingman, as long as I don’t think your choice is retarded.”

He gave me another small smile. “What if it’s… not a pony?”

“Same thing. But I mean, you know the things they can do with their vags. I haven’t found another race that can replicate it yet.”

That got him blushing. “What if I already have somepo—one in mind?”

“Then I’ll help you, as long as I don’t think your choice is retarded. It’s pretty simple, Spike. The way you were talking before you went to see Reginald, you did have someone in mind. You ever gonna tell me who?”

“H-here? With all the… changelings?”

I looked around. We were currently getting into the midst of the city itself. The only group of changelings moving around was a small guard patrol lazily flying well above us. “Even if the changelings did care, which they don’t, there aren’t any around. Most of them are working right now.”

He sighed, grabbed me, and started pulling me closer. Right before he mashed his face into mine, he moved me slightly right so he could whisper in my ear. “Rainbow Dash,” he very quietly muttered.

When he finally pushed me back, I saw that he was blushing like crazy. I blinked a few times and slowly said, “She’s a lesbian, dude.” He blinked. “Like, she isn’t interested in dudes at all. You’re barking up the wrong tree, man.”

“What?!”

“Dude, how do you not know this? She munches carpet like crazy. You’re shit out of luck, with her.” His entire body seemed to sag. “I gotta say, I really wasn’t expecting that.”

He kicked at the ground and sighed. “What were you expecting?” he morosely asked after a few seconds of silence.

“I dunno. The way you’ve been acting, I kinda thought it woulda been me or something.”

He flinched back and his eyebrows jumped up. “What?! You’re a guy! And a bro! I love you, but not like that!”

“Oh. Cool.”

He shuddered and then relaxed a little. “I’m just… I don’t know, I don’t interact with stallions much. I treat you like Twilight treats her friends, I guess. Is that weird?”

“Sometimes. But if it’s what you do, it’s what you do.”

“If it ever bothers you, just let me know, Nav. I don’t want to annoy you.”

“Alright. So I gotta ask, why Rainbow Dash?”

He sighed and sagged even further before saying, “She’s loyal and awesome and funny and she’s always helped me out. She would take me flying before I had my own wings and she never treated me like a pet or much like a foal. I think she also tried to warn me about Rarity a few times, but I never got the hints…”

I nodded. “Decent reasons, I guess. Is that why you didn’t want to sleep with Gilda?”

“Yeah… I knew she’d tell Rainbow Dash and then… Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“I hate to be the bearer of that particular bit of news. She told me ages ago. I’m really surprised you didn’t know.”

“How would I? I never asked!”

“Eh, true.” I looked up and down the street we were on. There were still no changelings present. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, you want to get your dick wet?”

“...What?”

I wrapped one arm around his shoulder and waved the other forward. “There’s a brand new brothel out there just waiting for us. If you want to fuck a professional changeling hooker, all we have to do is go find it.”

“Uh… I didn’t… I didn’t bring any bits…”

“They don’t have sex for money, Spike. They have sex to harvest your lust. Or love, possibly. I was there when they were discussing plans for it.”

“Uh… I’m not so sure, Nav…”

“Well, we don’t have to.” I let him go and shrugged. “I just figured it would make you feel better. Sex releases a lot of endorphins and helps keep you healthy and happy.”

He looked away and started fiddling with his claws again. “Well… Do you remember how you mentioned… threesomes?”

“Yep. You could probably grab two changelings, if you wanted. Or three. Or ten. I wouldn’t judge at all, unless I walked in on you and found a changeling with my body sucking your dick.”

He flinched again. “I meant you… and me, with a changeling. Just to try it, you know?” After saying that, he looked away.

Oh boy. “Spike, as much as I hate to say it, I’m in a girl’s body. If we end up in a threesome, there’s a chance we might end up doing some strange stuff.”

His ears started twitching a lot, but he said, “S-sex is natural, right? And it feels good and is healthy and stuff. If we d-do that, it wouldn’t be… wrong, right? We’re not in relationships and we’re both friends, so… it’s okay. Right?”

“Alright, cool. Just wanted to make sure you were okay with that. Let’s go find that whorehouse.” He fell into step behind me once again as we continued wandering into the city.

A few hours later, I found myself back at Chrysalis’s side. I was hot, sweaty, blushed, extremely satisfied, and no longer worried about Spike feeling depressed.

“And what took you so long, hmm?” Chrysalis mused, barely sparing me a glance.

“Remember the brothel you approved?” She looked back at me and lifted an eyebrow. “Spike was feeling down, so we went to test it out. I say you should put that thing on the surface and let ponies come to it.”

“That was the end goal. I just haven’t decided where to put it. In the interim, they’re practicing here. Though since you have me, I hardly expected you to make use of their services…”

I shrugged. “Didn’t figure you’d be interested in Spike. The main goal was to get him laid. I was just a bonus.” She rolled her eyes. “So anyway, what are we up to now?” I actually got lucky and found her flying to her next destination, so I didn’t even need to head back to the palace.

“We are going to the school. There is a joint magic and technology demonstration in which I am interested.”

“Neat. What is it?”

“A way of laying railroad tracks in sheer rock and a way of moving a train using your human technology mixed with our magic.”

“Magitec sounds pretty cool to me, but I’d prefer straight technology.”

“...Magitec. I will keep that name in mind. When we properly debut in the outside world, it will be on boats and airships that rely only on magitec, not on wind. My race shall not be shackled solely by magic. We shall not stagnate and rot. We will progress and leave the rest of the world behind.”

“How about you progress and help the world move forward?”

She pursed her lips and didn’t answer.

When we got to the large school, there were already several guards present. They immediately parted before us and we waltzed right on into the main entrance. There was a single changeling waiting directly inside for us. “Where is the demonstration?” Chrysalis asked.

“Auditorium 3F,” she answered with a bow. “Do you need me to guide you, my queen?”

“No. Come, Navarone.” We started walking left. Most of the doors were shut, but the few that weren’t contained several smaller changelings being lectured by an older one. In some cases, they were working on projects.

But we didn’t pass too many doors before turning right and heading down another path. We were apparently in the three section. Getting to F took a while, probably because all the rooms we were passing were soundproofed auditoriums. Guards were posted at a few, but not many.

When we got to F, Chrysalis quietly bypassed the guards and entered. She didn’t seem to want to disturb the presentation, so we both sat in the back without anyone even noticing we were there.

It was already underway on the stage. A group of drones were using the modified version of the railgun Celestia’s pet inventors created to shoot rails into the stone stage, locking wooden planks into place. As soon as they shot the first one, I covered my ears to try to block the horrible racket. Even after that, I flinched every time.

When the planks were in place, they began adding metal rails. If I had to guess, I’d say they were steel, but I don’t know metals and it was too far away anyway. Them nailing that to the stone stage was loud enough to make even Chrysalis flinch.

Honestly, I don’t know why they bothered. It was only about five meters of track, since the stage wasn’t exactly huge. And better yet, they could have done most of it beforehand and just demonstrated a single bolt or two with the railgun.

Anyway, when it was all in place, the main presenter chick started talking. “As you can see, this machine allows rails to be easily placed in sheer stone. It is durable, lightweight, and simple enough that even drones can be trained in its use. This alone would allow us to more easily move supplies across our hives using our underground routes. But combined with our other invention, moving supplies and changelings around is now a complete nonissue.”

As she was speaking, a group of five sapients was floating in a small train car. It looked kind of like a normal conductor’s machine, but it didn’t have a smokestack and it had to have been at least half its size.

“This is a train that uses an electric motor. We don’t yet have a stable source of electricity without magic, but with it…” The sapients carefully lowered the car onto the tracks. One of them hopped in and a few seconds later, it started to move. “We can use magic to generate enough electricity to activate this small engine and move this small car. With enough resources, we could build larger cars and entire trains that run off this motor, allowing us to get between hives very quickly without the use of magical teleportation.”

The car slowly petered to a stop as it started to run out of track. The fellow inside hopped back out and joined his companions, who were all watching the crowd. One of them finally noticed us and blinked, then surreptitiously pointed us out to the others. The speaker didn’t notice.

“And, adhering to the new socialization directive, we can offer rides to ponies in nearby settlements. Our trains will move faster and cleaner than theirs. The rides are less bumpy and less hilly since our tunnels are straight and focused. There is also no chance of being attacked by bandits since we’re working in tunnels. The only issue is that we have very few tunnels in places that ponies frequent. We already have a full-sized working prototype. At the moment, we are only waiting on permission to build tracks to our closest sister hive to test it.”

Chrysalis stood up. “You have it. Begin constructing the rails and planks you need to make the tracks. You will have a timeline to me in two days.”

To her credit, the sapient leading the demonstration didn’t blanch for long. After a few seconds of stunned silence, she bowed and said, “Yes, your highness. Is there anything else you require?”

“I am interested in how this machine works. Is it simple?”

The demonstrator stood back up and nodded. “Surprisingly so. It uses two electromagnets to pull and push a circle of metal around a central axis, creating energy we can use to move the train. One changeling can power a small engine for several miles at a time. I believe that if we use larger trains, it would take three to seven changelings to power it, depending on the distance traveled. They could swap out as needed, and could change with a fresh batch of changelings upon reaching their destination.”

“Excellent, though that will put a slight strain on our magic users. Can it be made more efficient?”

“Every piece of technology can be improved upon, your majesty. However, we are working with…” Her eyes flicked to me for a moment before returning to Chrysalis. “...memories. Half-forgotten and half-useless memories that were spread by just a few changelings. Perhaps if the one that experienced these events spent more time looking at useful books than at skirts—”

Chrysalis held up a hoof, shutting her up. “You have done well with what you have. Improve it as best you can while the tracks are being built. If you need more resources, submit a proposal when you submit your timeline. But you will only build enough to set up one track, to and from the nearest hive, until we test it thoroughly.”

The lady bowed again. “Yes, my queen.”

“And put one of your sapients on a way to generate electricity without magic. Magitec is all well and good, but sparing even one magic user would be useful.”

“Of course, Queen Chrysalis…”

Chryssi nodded once and we started walking out. Once we were back in the hallways and walking to the exit, she asked, “What did you think?”

“That’s an interesting way of combining magic and tech. I’ve been on pony trains where they ran out of coal or had a malfunction and had to actually pull the damn thing. It’s an interesting idea, that’s for sure. And it’ll be even more interesting to see it working in bulk.”

“Interesting and very useful. Oftentimes when changelings need to move from one hive to another, they must disguise as ponies and use their trains. Or if they aren’t in a hurry, they can walk or fly our tunnels.”

“That would suck. Also, I’m not a fan of being insulted.”

“Would you like me to send her to our bedchambers tonight? You can do unto her as you’d like.”

“First, that would only prove her right. Second, I don’t like rape. Third, that’s not a nice person thing to do.”

She shrugged. “Baby steps, right?”

“Right.”

She smiled darkly. “So, you want to go see your babies?”

“That’s actually pretty high on the list of things I don’t want to do.”

“I can make this relationship go both ways, Nav. You are trying to help me remember how to be good. I would happily do the same for you. Neither of us are as good as we should be.”

“The difference is that I don’t care. I’ve been sliding down this razor since I got to Equestria and the fall has only gotten slicker, easier, and less painful.”

She shivered slightly. “That is a very disturbing mental picture. Come on, let’s go see your little ones.”

“Nah. I’m not joking, Chrysalis.”

Her horn lit up and we both teleported into her room. “Why do you not want to see them? I don’t want to hear you dodge around it by saying you’re a terrible parent. There’s a reason. What is it?”

I immediately pointed behind her. “Look over there, a distraction!” She didn’t even flinch. My hand dropped back down. “Alright, what are you gonna do to me if I don’t answer?”

“Nothing.”

“...Oh.” I sighed and sat on the bed. “It’s not just that I’m a bad parent. It’s that I’m afraid of being a bad parent. I don’t want anyone to turn out as… broken as I am. I wasn’t raised right and I know it. I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids, because I knew I wouldn’t have any idea what to do. And the ones you had… I’m ashamed. Not of you, but that I wasn’t there. That I had them without knowing and wasn’t there for them. You say it’s normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Children need parents, and I knew I couldn’t be there for them. Knew that I wouldn’t be there for them, even if I could.”

She smiled. “I am giving you the chance to be there for them now, Nav. Forget about the past. Forget what you should have done. Think now about what you can do.”

I slowly shook my head. “I’m leaving tomorrow, Chrysalis. I’m not going to show up only to leave them again. It’s better that they never know.”

Her smile disappeared. “Better for them, perhaps. But not better for you.”

“As a father, I have to do what’s best for them. This is it.”

And just like that, her grin reappeared. “That shows you aren’t as bad of a parent as you think, Nav. You may not want to see them, but at least you still want the best for them. Over even yourself.”

It was more that I was afraid to see them than wanting to protect them, but whatever got her off my back. “Can we just… not talk about it? There’s a reason I push it aside. It’s not easy to discuss.”

She walked over and pulled me into a hug. “The hardest things to talk about are always those that are most worth discussing.” After a few more seconds, she let me go. “Does Taya know yet?”

“That I have kids? I don’t think so.”

“No, that you never wanted kids. Does she know?”

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah. And she’s bitter about a lot of things. Most of what I was afraid would happen actually happened with her… And more, besides.”

“Well. I can’t help you be a father, but I could always try to teach you to be a mother. A parent is a parent, no matter the gender.”

I shook my head. “What I really think I need is someone to help me raise her. But even then, I’m afraid it’s too late. And hell, no offense to you, but you’re not all that great of a mother yourself.” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “You don’t raise your kids. You pawn them off on others. I know you have a kingdom to run, but still.”

She averted her eyes and sighed. “That is unfortunately true. I have not been the mother I have always wanted to be. I’m afraid it might also be something that I’ve forgotten…”

“Well, it’s never too late for you to find some useful sapients to run your hives and retire to an advisory position. Ooh, or you could get married to Celestia to cement your alliance!”

She looked back at me with disgust. “You are one sad, strange little being.” Her horn lit back up and we teleported to the throne room. Of course, I immediately fell on my ass as she walked over to her throne. Moments later, her horn lit up and the flow of business continued.

The day of days and moment of moments came quickly and early the next morning. Chrysalis and I were chilling in the throne room, waiting for the next petitioner. She was all happy and smiley while I was all mopey and upset that she fucking bluebeaned me three fucking times, the bitch. And worse, Flo just laughed at me the entire time.

So only one of us was in the mood to really deal with shit at that point. When a commotion started coming from the other side of the door, I was content to ignore it and hope that it sorted itself out. Chrysalis, however, did some magic to signal the fellow that was supposed to be on the other side of the door.

As soon as it started to open, a blast of water slammed into it and the regular doorman flew in. Before either of us could react, that same blast of water slithered straight toward me. Right before it reached my feet, it exploded into a humanoid shape that snagged me in a hug. The force should have knocked me back, but her watery tail continued around me and reinforced my legs and back, keeping me steady.

“Oooh, it’s so good to be free!” Flo said both in my head and out loud. I could see a few guards running into the throne room through her body, but Chrysalis waved them down.

“Oh, that was today?” I asked.

She pinched me. “You knew full well it was going to be today.” Then she went back to hugging me. “And it’s so nice to hold you in person again… By the five, I feel so free!” Her body shot out in all directions, thinning her out and encompassing nearly half the room, before looping around and covering me entirely for a few seconds.

“I thought you’d enjoy it. Is everyone back on the ship?”

Flo scoffed. “I can feel your happiness, Nav. You don’t have to hide it for Chrysalis’s sake. Stop being so taciturn.”

I rolled my eyes. “Woo hoo.”

“If you keep it up, I’m going to release a lot of dopamine in your brain and make you unable to hide being happy.” Chrysalis started giggling.

“God, Flo, you’re such a bully. Way to embarrass me in front of my side girl.”

“SIDE girl?” Chrysalis growled. That gave Flo the cue to start giggling. “If I’m your side girl, just who is your main mare? After everything I’ve let you do to me, I should be the only girl in your life at all!”

I finally broke out of Flo’s grasp and turned to face my glowering bug queen. “Well, it was nice of you to host us, Chryssi. Unfortunately, it’s time for us to get back to traveling. So…” She started standing up. “Um…” She started walking toward me. I began slowly backing up, until I bumped into Flo, who wrapped me in another involuntary hug that I couldn’t escape.

When Chrysalis reared up on her back legs, I flinched back slightly. Then she very gently wrapped her forelegs around me and began kissing me. As strange as it was, it was also really relaxing. Being loved on while it feels like you’re relaxing in a cool bath is oddly satisfying.

Then she pulled away and slapped me. If she hadn’t turned her hoof into an actual hand first, I probably would have been a little more upset. “You may leave me,” she said, waving a hoof and turning to walk back to the throne.

As much as I wanted to reach over there and cop a quick feel, Flo physically carried me out of the palace. “It’s so nice to see all of this in person,” she happily sighed when we were out into the hive proper. “Your eyes perceive things very differently than mine, so it’s nice to finally, finally, finally see things as I should!”

“And I really am happy you’re free as well,” I said. “It’s been a long time coming, and I definitely feel better about the coming years, now that you’re actually by my side. Also, can you put me down.” She smiled and started spinning and doing the opposite of putting me down. “Flo? Come on, man.”

She took me by the hands as she sped up, letting the rest of my body freely spin around her. I don’t know why she was treating me like a child, but if that’s what gets her wet, whatever.

I want it known that she hit me for writing that.

After spinning me just long enough to get me dizzy, she actually tossed me into the air. I had just a moment to panic before she shot her body forward to ensnare me again. When we hit the ground, she picked me right back up and snuggled me long enough for my dizziness to end before setting me on my feet and letting me go. “I just wanted to hear you say it,” she said. “Go get your stuff from Chryssi’s room. All of your troops are already on board, so we can leave as soon as we get out. I’ll begin leaving as well.”

I looked up for a moment before looking back at her. “How exactly are you going to get out?”

“I’ll climb the wall, like my sisters.” She pointed up and to the left, where I could just barely make out a large mass of water slowly slithering up the wall. “I can dig into the rock fairly easily, but it will take me time to get out.”

“Neat. I’ll see you on the ship, then.” I spread my wings to take off, but she grabbed my arm before I could. “What?”

Her smile deepened and she said, “Nothing. It’s just really, really nice to finally hold you again. I’ll see you on the ship, Nav.” With that, she let go. She didn’t turn to start climbing until I took off. Even then, though, she didn’t quite leave me. “No, I’m not trying to be creepy,” she creepily said in my mind. “And no, I’m not going to touch you in your sleep without your permission. And yes, I am a mind reader. Don’t make me come up there and hug you some more.”

“I didn’t say a goddamn thing.”

“I am not being passive aggressive!”

“Using what you think I said instead of what I actually said in order to get upset is, like, the definition of being passive aggressive.”

You know, I can honestly say that I didn’t think a water elemental could stretch that far. I can also say that being forced to breathe liquid because you were hugged so hard that you slipped inside of someone’s body is the opposite of fun.

Not too long after that, we were back on our way to Equestria proper, to pick up the passengers we left behind. The horrible feeling of unease I had in the back of my mind since the journey originally began was left behind in that dark cave, strangely enough. Perhaps Flo’s optimism was rubbing off on me in some strange way.

But I can say that it did me no good on our journey into the heart of darkness.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Three—Short Cooldown

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Three—Short Cooldown

As soon as I got to the ship, I had Spike send word to Celestia that we were coming so she could tell Twilight and her pals to be ready to bounce as soon as we arrived. We had already spent far too much time in Canterlot and I really didn’t feel like getting sucked into more stupid bullshit.

I didn’t have time to get a response from Celestia before I got snuggled by Taya. That was a worthy distraction, so I wasn’t too upset about it. I had a feeling I knew what Celestia would say anyway. So down we went, into the depths of depravity. Namely, my room.

Right when I was starting to make Taya squirm adorably (by rubbing her cute little belly, of course), Flo rudely barged in. Taya barely had time to push my hand away before Flo washed over both of us, absorbing us in a strange, watery hug.

“So is this gonna be your thing?” I sighed when my mouth was clear.

“Yes,” Flo happily replied, gently patting me on the head with a small tendril of water. “So, are you going to introduce us properly?”

“Taya, this is Flo. The full one, not just the one living in my head. She’s apparently more of a cuddle slut than you are.”

“I’m not a cuddle slut!” Taya grumpily said.

“You were literally just cuddling me.”

“...So?”

Flo giggled and pulled us closer together. “Oh, it’s so good to finally hold you both!”

“Psh, gay.”

She rolled her eyes and forced me to say, “I love you too, Flo. It’s so nice to finally be held!”

Taya smirked and said, “Psh, gay.” Instead of forcefully taking over her body, Flo just giggled and started tickling her. Since that was something we could all enjoy, I joined her.

Well, all of us enjoyed it except for Taya, that is. Sacrifices had to be made, though…

Once we were done torturing my adorable daughter, Flo took it upon herself to drag me around the ship so she could get proper introductions to everyone. I don’t really know why she needed me to do it, but we all know she likes to ~~make me suffer~~ see me interacting with my friends.

Since she had just been to the deck and thus knew some people were still up there, that’s where we went first. The first thing I saw was Spike leaning against one of the railings, watching the door. As soon as he saw me, he started walking over, holding a scrap of paper. “The princess sent a response,” he said when he got close enough.

“I figured she would.” I quickly read over it. Basically, she said it was cool and she’d have the girls ready in Canterlot when we got there, but that she needed to talk with me before we left. “Good.” When I looked back up, he was uneasily looking over my shoulder. “Spike, this is Flo. She’s the one that’s been living in my head for a while.”

“Oh. Uh… Well, I need to go, Nav…”

He started to back up, but Flo shot a tendril over my shoulder and grabbed his arm, making him flinch and squeeze his eyes shut. “I am not Brook, Spike,” she gently said, slowly moving closer. “I am a friend to all life, not just the life I consider important. I don’t ask you to forgive Brook, but I do ask that you not fear us all because of what she did.” By the time she finished, she was pretty close to him.

That argument didn’t seem to be having a great effect, so I walked through her to stand between them. “She’s telling the truth, Spike. She’s been in me for a while now, and I know she wouldn’t hurt someone that didn’t deserve it. If you don’t trust her, trust me.”

“Well…”

“Besides, Brook didn’t even hurt you. She just threatened to kill you if we didn’t act like a couple.”

“And that wasn’t… so bad, I guess… I dunno, it’s just… When are we gonna find an elemental that isn’t creepy or made of water? Aren’t there, like, a hundred elements? Why do we have to keep finding the ones that are dangerous to dragons?”

That one actually stumped me. Flo said, “We’re elementals, not elements. We represent the four basic elemental effects in the world: Water, air, earth, and fire. You should not expect to meet a walking chunk of barium.”

“...Oh. I was wondering where water was on that table Twilight gave me.”

God dammit, Spike. “We’ll work on the fires after we get the waters,” I said. “Probably. Besides, what about Aerie? She isn’t dangerous to dragons.”

Spike shivered. “She’s creepy. She… touches me in… places.”

“Uh. So did Doppel.”

“Not these places…”

Some questions are better left unasked. “Oh. Well, yeah. We’ll probably be getting some fires soonish I guess. Either way, the only water elemental you need to be afraid of is Brook, and even then, you need to remember that you can just evaporate her wet ass.”

“...I can?”

“Dude, the bitch is made of water. You’re made of dragon.” He chuckled. “I mean, I’d prefer you not evaporating her just yet, but if it becomes necessary, you most definitely can. The same is also true of Flo, but you would very quickly come to regret that decision. Neither of us are above spanking you.”

“...You might hurt your hand.”

“I’m also not above getting the naga to spank you.” His eyes went wide. “Yeah. Or maybe letting Aerie play with you some more.” He shivered again. “You’re a dragon, Spike. There’s not much that should make you afraid. Worry about Brook, not the others. And even then, I doubt Brook would hurt you without what she thought was a good reason.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So yeah, this is Flo. She’d be willing to touch you in all the right ways, if you ask nicely.”

Flo shot forward and absorbed me so I couldn’t say or hear anything else. They said a few things until I decided enough was enough and stuck my head back out of her chest just in time to hear Spike asked, “So you know everything she’s thinking?”

“I ain’t no she,” I said. “And yes.” I pulled the rest of myself out of Flo. “And you ain’t never gonna learn none of it, neither.”

When I started that last part, he started counting on his claws. “That’s… four negatives? Don’t those all cancel out?”

“Now look here, you skanky-ass little ho—” Flo decided to cover my mouth again, because she doesn’t believe in properly expressing one’s self.

“I know what Nav is thinking and feeling as he thinks or feels it, yes. I know everything he knows, including things he has told no one else. I know all that he is ashamed of, all that he fears, and all that he worries over. I know his greatest prides, his bravest moments, and his moments of triumph. I know him as no other ever could, and love him with all my power because of it, even though I know he hates me for it at times.”

Spike looked suitably impressed, and took a few seconds to respond. “What’s a skanky-ass little ho?” he finally asked.

Flo sighed and released me again so I could say, “It’s an insult. Or a compliment, depending on how true it is. Basically, it means you’re a slut.”

“Oh. Like you?”

“My ass isn’t slutty, thank you very much. But the rest of me, sure.”

He lifted a brow. “You didn’t seem to mind when I—”

“The changelings were distracting me.”

“...You also didn’t mind when they—”

“The changelings were distracting me.”

“Well, with that many of them—”

“You shut your whore mouth, Spike.”

He looked at me for a few seconds. I continued glaring at him.

After a few seconds, he cracked a grin and said, “Like yours?”

I hurt my hand, but it was worth it.

The next ~~victim~~ friend on Flo’s list of people to meet was Kat, who was surprisingly lacking her spidery companion. Flo refused to carry me, so I had to walk up to her like a normal peasant. She was relaxing on some of the rigging leading up to the balloon, so she didn’t bother looking down at first.

“Why do cats like resting in hard to reach places?” I asked when I was under her.

“So fewer humans can reach us,” she said, waving a paw. “Though if you’ve come to offer back or ear scratches, I suppose I could come down. Or invite you up, whichever.”

“If you ever want me to pet any part of you, you know where I sleep. And it’s starting to get cold, so I might like something warm and fuzzy to snuggle with at night.” She snorted. “But I’m mostly here to introduce you to Flo, the water thing that’s been living in my head.”

That got her attention. She rolled off the rigging and deftly landed on her feet in front of me. “So that was the point of coming to this desert.” She turned an appraising eye over to the elemental standing beside me. “You’re the one living inside our human, hmm? Do you mind if I touch you? I’ve long wanted to know what one of you felt like, but I was wary of feeling the others after… some of what I’ve heard.”

“We’re like water,” Flo said. “But by all means.” Kat slowly reached a paw out and poked Flo. Flo instantly turned a slight shade of red and snagged Kat’s arm. “Just remember that curiosity killed the cat.” Kat’s eyes widened and Flo shot one of her arms to Kat’s head, then pushed tendrils into her nose. Kat tried using her other claws to scratch Flo off, but they just got absorbed as well, until Kat was unable to move either.

I kinda wanted to step in and say something, but I also was pretty interested in seeing how far Flo was actually going to go. Kat’s eyes were starting to roll into her head and her struggles were slowly becoming less frantic. Finally, her eyes flashed red, then both them and Flo instantly turned an icy blue. The water holding Kat let her go and Flo quickly leaked out of her nose, fully releasing her and making Kat sag.

After a few seconds, Kat shivered and shot back upright, then looked around in confusion. “How did I get down off the rigging?”

“We hit a bad air draft and you fell,” Flo said. “I healed you.”

“...Thanks. Must have been a bad gust,” Kat said. “Which one are you, anyway? There are so many water things roaming around now and I can almost never tell them apart.”

“I am Flo,” she answered with a nod of her head. “I am the one attached to Navarone.”

“So that was the point of coming to this desert.” She blinked in confusion, but shrugged after a second. “You’re the one living inside our human, hmm?”

“I am. It’s interesting, knowing what he knows and seeing what he sees.”

Kat flinched just a little. “I bet you see a whole lot of mares, then.”

“Among other things. His sexual habits are not as prevalent as he pretends, nor as widespread as the rumors make them out to be. There are times when I act as his conscience and there are, of course, many times he ignores me.”

“The right thing to do isn’t always the best thing to do,” I said with a shrug.

“There is truth in that,” Kat replied. “Though it seems she might know a little better than either of us.”

“...And the right thing also isn’t always the thing that feels best to do. Sometimes it’s nice to just tell someone the truth, you know?”

Kat nodded. “I know that very well. That’s why I was enslaved.”

“Was it worth it?”

“No. It was a kitty’s mistake punished by a monster’s law. Being enslaved for calling a rich noble fat was definitely not worth it. But after murdering him and proving my worth to the assassins that saved me from public execution, I was able to speak much more freely. Sometimes.”

Wonder how many more sex scenes I’ll have to go through before unlocking the rest of her backstory. “Yeah, being a slave fucking sucks. I probably didn’t have it as bad as you, but it was still pretty shitty.”

“Oh? What secrets are hidden in your dark human past?”

“Well, most recently, I was magically forced to follow some bitch’s orders because Twilight had to smart off at the mouth and get us both captured. That ended with me in a French maid outfit and almost raped by a dog. It wasn’t fun. Before that, I was pretty much Celestia’s slave for a while. Occasionally well-rewarded and lavished slave, but still a slave. I was in Egypt because I had to be, not because I wanted to be.”

Kat’s mouth tightened slightly. “I… did not realize.”

Flo snorted. “Would it have stopped you if you had?” That made Kat flinch even harder and look away. Flo grabbed my arm and gently tugged me. “There’s the naga. I would like to speak with him.” Kat sighed and turned to the railing. When we walked away, she was staring out into the desert.

“So what did you do to her?” I quietly asked when we were a few meters away.

“Nothing that will hurt her. Physically.” That didn’t stop me from wanting to know, but I had a feeling she wasn’t about to tell me. And we were getting closer to Ames anyway, so even if she ever would tell me, it could wait.

The naga was actually conversing with Jak, who was apparently taking a much-needed break from Athena. One of them heard me walking up and they both stopped whatever they were discussing to watch us come closer. “So you’re finally back from the dark den,” Ames said. “I take it you found what you were looking for.”

“This is her,” I said, poking my watery leash-holder. “Her name is Flo. She’s been living in my head and making me say and do stupid things for a while.”

Flo elbowed me. “Nav likes blaming me for his mistakes. Really, I’m the only reason he ever does anything smart.”

Jak snorted. “Then you must not stay very busy.” Ouch, my feelings. “The wee lass has a decent head on her shoulders. Sometimes. When she cares to use it.”

“Dude, why are you still calling me a chick? That shit’s old.”

“I’ve seen you when you weren’t in nothing more than your knickers, girly. If that body’s a human male, I doubt that I’m half-human. I dunnae care what your mind is. You look like a lass, so I’ll call you a lass. This big fella here shares the sentiment, I’m sure.” He clapped the naga on the shoulder.

Ames grit his teeth. “You… have the mind of a warrior, Nav. But your body is that of a female. Of that, there is no doubt. Even with your reputation… You will not be allowed to marry one of our females when we return to the clan. Though I doubt there would be any young warriors who would fight for your hand, either.”

“I’ve had my fill of cold, fishy genitals anyway. That bitch was nasty, like eating three day old sushi.” The three of us with heartbeats shivered at the thought. “But like, fo rizzle, Imma bitch slap the next one of y’all motherfuckers that acts like I’m a chick.”

Ames and Jak shared a short look. Flo giggled and said, “She’s just PMSing.”

So apparently, you can smack a water elemental’s head off. The orgasm she gave me for doing it was an unfair punishment, though. And not letting me go change my panties immediately afterwards was even worse.

When we were both recovered (easier for her, since her head popped right back out of her body as the water I slapped away reabsorbed into her), we started heading back down below. There was no one else on the deck that she really cared all too much to meet. Gilda wouldn’t have cared, the captain had already met her, most of the crew and soldiers were annoyed by the elementals pestering them about becoming hosts, and everyone else was below decks.

We did, however, run into Doppel when we were heading down. She winced slightly when she saw me.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

“Not… particularly,” she slowly said, eying me up and down. “I just uh… I see you… spent a lot of time with Queen Chrysalis.”

“Well, yeah. I was advising her.”

Doppel shook her head. “You don’t understand, Nav. I’ve never seen any of the changelings in her harem this covered in her pheromones. Most drones probably couldn’t tell you apart from her if you were both standing side by side. To changelings, that’s a sign of a married couple.”

“...Huh. I’m going to go take a very long shower. No way in hell am I going to go into Canterlot smelling like bug queen musk.”

“That’s probably a good idea, master. But you should probably take at least one shower before we get back to Canterlot anyway, since it’ll take a few days.”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh and by the way, this is Flo. She’s the one that’s been living in my head and the reason we even came here.”

Doppel smiled and bowed slightly. “Any friend of my master is a mistress to me! Especially if she’s been living in him!”

Flo chuckled and said, “We’ve become very acquainted already, my pretty little pet bug. You might not know it, but I’ve explored every inch of you already. And I’d always be happy to do so again…”

Doppel actually blushed. “M-master, what have you let her do to me?”

I shrugged and said, “Anything she wanted. I let her take over occasionally so she can have some fun.”

“And what fun it was,” Flo breathed, reaching a tendril out to caress Doppel. “If Nav’s going to take a shower, perhaps we can spend some quality time together…?”

Doppel eyed the tendril before quickly nodding. “I think I might like that, Flo.”

Flo smiled and moved in to absorb all of Doppel’s body, who just let it happen. Before her head could be completely submerged, Flo said, “Please, call me mistress.” And just like that, Flo started ferrying Doppel right back down the stairs.

Jesus Christ, I really did pervert you!

“Maybe. Or maybe I just like the sound of a woman with all her holes stuffed.”

Is that an offer?

“No, you just get to watch. I like making you suffer. Well, until you deserve to be punished.”

Bitch.

“Skank.”

All things told, it was a nice shower, but I really missed the size of the ones in the changeling palace. Tiny little cabin bathrooms are hell.

The big meeting thing convened the next day in our war room. It involved me, Brook, Watcher, Gourd, Flo, and Zecora. In the middle of the room was a table with a large world map that was missing a lot more than it should have been.

“How are we flying?” I asked as soon as we were all in place.

Gourd nodded and said, “It would take a lot of doing to pull us out of the air. We’re flying straight and true, no issues at all. Still set on provisions. We’ll check again when we get to Canterlot and get anything we might need while we’re there.”

“Excellent. Now, this is Flo. She’s the one we came to get.” Watcher and Gourd nodded at her. I don’t guess they thought any words were necessary, since they kinda sorta already met. “With Flo out of the ground, there’s just one more left. I assume we have a location?” I asked, looking at Brook.

“We do. It is, in part, why I asked Zecora to join us. We are going into Africa, a place that is, in this cycle, thoroughly unmapped. We are able to direct the ship straight toward our sister, but we don’t know what we’ll find once we get there. We also don’t know how long it will take for us to excavate to the point of freeing her. That said, we know that we waters will be fully capable of freeing her without assistance, assuming the lack of previous mining attempts and any booby traps from the element of chaos.”

“How?” Gourd asked.

Brook’s head tilted slightly. “Given eons, unguided water can shape the planet. Given seconds, guided water can shape a parcel of it. We would not risk cutting through rock where there is already a mine, but if it is undisturbed land, we will cut through it ourselves.”

“At least there’s that,” I said. “We’re still left with a problem, though. What’s there and on the way there, and is it safe? Zecora?”

She stepped up and studied our map. After seeing how woefully lacking it is, she shook her head sadly. “There are many tribes and cultures in my homeland. Some are peaceful, some are warlike, some are nomadic, some are stationary. I can guide us around hostile villages and to friendly villages, but nomads are nomads. Each is led by some manner of shaman. Some are more skilled than others. I can guard us against most of what we will face.”

I looked over to Watcher. He said, “Perhaps you’re forgetting that we’re in a flying boat. Is there anything dangerous that can fly? Because we can just fly high and none of their magic would affect us anyway.”

Zecora wryly smiled. “And perhaps you forget, my dear, that you seek to enter my homeland. Do you remember why my land is so unexplored by you ponies?”

It took a second, but Gourd finally flinched and growled, “I remember! We used that damn place as a port dozens of times and my magic never worked right there!”

Our zebra nodded. “Right you are. Your pony magic is fickle in my home. Perhaps your boat can fly there. But perhaps it cannot. How much of its flight is magic and how much of it is science?”

Watcher shook his head. “How did I never hear about this? Nav, isn’t Taya from Egypt? Did she ever mention it?”

“Dude, she didn’t even know how to do magic until I brought her back to Equestria. But the old king guy that we deposed was collecting unicorns. Maybe it’s only fucked in lower Africa.”

“Perhaps,” Zecora said with a shrug. “But it will do what you want just as often as it will backfire. Would you risk flying into it, knowing your unicorn crew would be unable to use their magic to keep themselves in the air should an emergency arise? Or spend the entire time wondering if the magic in your ship will fail?” She shook her head. “If we want to go into my homeland, it will be on hoof.”

“Not quite,” Brook said. “Our sister would not have strayed far from water. Rivers do change the landscape, but we could likely follow one into the continent and get close to where she was. Close enough for my sisters and I to safely leave the ship to reach her ourselves.”

“Gourd, is the ship equipped to float down a river?” I asked.

“Depends on how deep it is,” he answered. “But even without our magic, we can likely use the balloon to raise our boat out of the water enough to keep it moving forward, no matter how shallow the water becomes. I just wouldn’t trust it too far above the ground, in case something goes wrong.”

“Hm. Watcher?”

He shook his head. “I don’t like it, sir. This place is unexplored for a reason. Brook, can your sisters leave us at the coast and go inland themselves? We could fly to the closest spot to your sister, to minimize your exposure.”

“No. It would be a great risk to us. We know not what new magics have been created since our… exile. My monkeys have the skills to permanently harm me, if they had been so inclined. Zecora’s magic seems similar. As unpleasant a notion as it is, we require protection. For now.”

Watcher sighed and nodded. “Then it’s our only option, like it or not. Our flying options will likely be limited as well, so hopefully we don’t run into bad weather.”

“Our ship can handle it,” Gourd said.

“Fighting in wet armor sucks,” I said. “But we’ll manage. Brook, where do we start? The Nile? Senegal? Niger?”

“The Congo.”

Of fucking course. This is all your fault, Flo. Surprisingly, she didn’t comment. “Zecora, where are we going?”

She walked forward and pointed at part of the western coast. “The river the ponies know as the Congo starts around here.”

“What do you know it as?” Flo asked.

“The translation is Heart’s Vein. She carries her depleted children into the heart of our home.”

“I really hope we don’t run into too many of her children on our trip,” I sighed. “Friendly or not, I’d prefer our journey be nice and boring.”

“As do I. I will need to stock up on supplies in Canterlot. Disease spreads quickly to those who are unaccustomed. I will keep as many of our crew from becoming ill as possible and I will cure those who do.”

“Good. Gourd, do you have everything you need?”

“I don’t know, Nav. I’ll need to talk to my crew. Before, I thought we were ready for anything. Now, I need to check on some things. But what we don’t have, we’ll get in Canterlot.”

“Keep me apprised. Watcher, you good?”

“Yes sir. My troops will fight true, with or without magic. But all the same, I’d prefer having it.”

“Same, as much as I hate to say it. Brook, is there any additional information we might need?”

“No. We will guide the ship’s path to our sister, Navarone. Any information you require will be given to you.”

“Good. Then I’m going outside. This damn war room is always stuffy.” There was a general noise of agreement from all those present who could actually feel things and we all filed out.

As soon as I got to the deck, Zecora stepped up next to me. “Do you remember your offer to bring me home?” she asked.

“I do. I made that offer before realizing our ship couldn’t fucking fly you there.” And she took it without warning me that it couldn’t.

“My home village happens to be on the Congo. Should we venture far enough into the continent, we will likely pass by it.”

“...Convenient. Then I guess I might well be a man of my word, even if it is on accident. I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me what actually happened, or are you going to keep it bottled up until moments after I do something stupid that I wouldn’t have done if I had known? Or maybe wait until the reveal would be most dramatic so you can look cool?”

She looked over to the side of the ship and then walked up to the railing. I followed her, since that seemed like the right thing to do. “It is a fairly simple tale, truly. I have been wary of telling it for fear of your… loyalty.”

“I’m loyal to my friends, Zecora. No throne or country. There are times I wonder about the rest of the crew, though.”

“I share the same concerns. That is why I have so far kept my silence. The one who displaced me was a pony trader named Pertz. He convinced my village that he was a demigod and had them cast me out when I tried to prove he was a liar.”

Flo, do I live in a shitty TV show? Be honest. She didn’t reply. “What a dick. Are we gonna deep six his ass?”

“We are going to do nothing to his behind. I am going to disprove his claims of godhood the hard way. With your assistance, my people will not be able to deny me.”

“Well I mean, do you really want to go back? They kinda kicked your ass to the curb for no real reason.”

“I have grown in my travels. I no longer feel the need to act as their shaman. But even though they exiled me, I still cannot bear to think of them following an abusive, insane pony. If my presence is required after he is banished, I will… consider staying. Otherwise, I am content as I am.”

“Cool. I’d much rather have you here than with them, anyway. Why did you think this would cause a loyalty issue?”

She grimaced. “Pertz told me he was a royal trader sent from Canterlot. At the time, I did not know what that meant. Later, I realized he was probably in my land under Celestia’s authority. I question whether the crew would support me if they knew that.”

“Tch. If they don’t, I’ll put that dickwad under myself. It wouldn’t be the best solution, but I bet it would work.”

“As a last resort, perhaps. But now you know my past. Are you content?”

“Not really, but I know enough about your issues in the Congo to not really worry about it anymore. I can get you drunk to learn more about the rest of your history.”

“And perhaps in doing so, reveal more about your own, you mysterious being from the past.”

“Nah, man. Chicks dig a mysterious past. I can’t tell anyone, or I stop being interesting.” She snorted. “I don’t need your judgement.”

“Perhaps fillies enjoy mystery. Proper mares prefer knowing their partner won’t up and leave them.”

“Of course a woman would say that. But you gotta realize, women don’t know what they want. If they did, they’d probably be horrified.”

She shook her head. “You have so little faith in us.”

“Well, most chicks haven’t really given me a reason to have faith. Luna was literally insane and couldn’t decide if she wanted me as a pet or a lover. Chrysalis is just about the same way, minus the completely psychopathic part. Celestia definitely seems to prefer me as the lover, but there was that whole thing a while back when she pretty much made me a slave. Pinkie’s insane, Twilight’s creepy, Kat’s a murderous rapist, Doppel’s a total slut, Gilda’s…” I quickly looked up and saw a cat-like tail twisting down from one of the masts and decided against saying that. "...Gilda. Taya has all kinds of things wrong in her mind. Don’t even get me started on Flo’s crazy ass. Bitches just be trippin’.”

“That list is far from all-inclusive. It seems that you picked the examples that most support your hypothesis and disregarded the rest.”

“And it seems to me that you’re also trippin’. I’m sorry you have to hear this from me, Zecora, but I’m afraid you also don’t know what you want.” She closed her eyes and shook her head sadly. “There’s no cure, sadly. You’ll have to learn to live with it.” She face-hoofed. “At least you can finally fit in with all the popular girls. I bet Rarity would love to talk fashion with you!” She decided to walk away. Typical woman. Always running when they start losing.

“There are times I wonder about you,” Flo said in my head.

“There are times I wonder about me, too,” I quietly replied.

Some time during the next day, when I finally had some time to just chill in my room by myself, I was interrupted by one of the more annoying and unwanted members of my crew. He was definitely living up to his namesake, smiling from ear to ear when he let himself in without knocking.

“What do you want, Smiles?” I sighed, already tired of dealing with him.

“I wanted to thank you for introducing me to Braeburn. That was an awfully fun trip…”

“Yeah. I bet it would have been better if they let you finish.”

His smile faltered slightly. “Yeah… That’s kinda why I stopped by. Ice and I got to thinking and we came up with what could be a… mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“Let me stop you right there. If the next words out of your mouth involve the two of us having sex, I’m going to do awful things to you that aren’t sexy at all.”

And that got his smile back to its normal size. “I don’t think that’s true at all… ma’am. After all the times you’ve threatened me, you’ve almost never actually hurt me.”

“True, true. I might not. But she will.” He managed to look back in time for Flo to completely envelope his lower half.

“Hello, brother,” she icily said.

Smiles flinched and said, “Oh, dear sister… How may I assist you?”

“My human has repeatedly made his desires—or rather, the lack thereof—clear to your pony. If you or this Smiles character continues to bother Nav, I will make sure your host regrets it. And I’ll have a long conversation with Naiad as well, so I doubt he would be the only one that regrets it.”

“Dear sister, please. We only want to propose—” His entire body spasmed and Flo sweetly smiled. “T-that’s…”

“Precisely what you were proposing to do to him, was it not?”

“Well—”

“Put Smiles back in control.”

“He is my host, not—” His body jerked again and Flo tilted her head slightly. Ice coughed and said, “As you wish.”

Smiles jerked and looked down at where Flo was holding the back end of his body. “W-what are you—”

“Exactly what you want to do to someone else. That’s fair, is it not?” Flo asked.

“That’s not—”

“This is exactly what you did to Navarone!” she hissed, leaning in closer. “And if you even think about doing it again, I will find you and make you just like one of your old Canterlot toys! All you’ll think about is finding a stallion to play with you, just like all you want to do now is find one to play with. You are going to leave Navarone alone. You will not try to sleep with him. You will stick to your hooves or Ice. Am I understood?”

Smiles quickly nodded. “Yes ma’am! Now p-please…”

Flo’s eyes narrowed and she pulled away from his body, making him sag. Then she grabbed one of his ears and forcefully led him out the door, making him whine in pain. When both of them were out, she reached in and pulled the door shut again.

“That’s certainly one way to deal with it,” I said, looking back down to my laptop.

“I’ve been looking forward to that for a while,” she happily replied.

“Is there anything else you’ve been looking forward to for a while that I should know about?”

“We’re going to party with Pinkie and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m also going to discuss a lot of fashion with Rarity and probably get her off your back. And of course, I’m going to do all kinds of naughty things to Rainbow Dash, if she remembers me from Luna’s dream party.”

“I’m okay with two of those. I don’t think I want you talking to Rarity, though. You’d probably just make it worse.”

“All the better. You’re so cute when you’re annoyed. And you’re even cuter when you’re annoyed and in a pretty dress.”

“Yeah, go fuck yourself. Also, you aren’t allowed to talk to Celestia. I really don’t think I’d like where that would go.”

She chuckled. “Well, you’re certainly welcome to tell me what I may or may not do, but don’t think that will stop me. Celestia and I are due for a heart to heart conversation. Whether or not I rip hers out remains to be seen.”

“I very seriously doubt there’s much left to remove. If you’re really going to be a bitch about it, fine, but I refuse to be anywhere in the vicinity when it happens. And if you get incinerated, I’m going to make a lot of really bad decisions just to spite you.”

“Noted. But Celestia wouldn’t dare harm me, unless it was in self-defense. She would have all my sisters to deal with, after all, and she isn’t sure of our power. But if you’re there to tickle her behind the ear, she’ll do pretty much whatever I say anyway.”

“I have no interest in being in a clash between giants. Especially not when one of them lives in my head and the other feels so good to have sex with.”

“I didn’t know Celestia lived in your head…”

I rolled my eyes. “Flo, you’re usually pretty boring to fuck. No offense to you, but you’re a robot and it kinda shows when we have sex. You’ve been learning, though. You’re definitely better than you were.”

“...Then perhaps I need more practice.”

“Maybe. Doppel would be all too willing to help you study, I’m sure.”

“Hmph. And not you, my dearest, faithful host?”

“Nah. You’re not pretty enough. Maybe if I get really desperate.”

“I am not above spanking you. I can easily turn one of my arms into a paddle.”

“Tch. I think you know the real reason.” Namely, that I was kinda tired of sex at the moment. Chrysalis took a lot out of me, and not in all the good ways. If I had to guess, I’d say she had been draining me without letting me know, so I needed some time to recover. “You could always teach Taya all the life lessons she could ever want.”

“No. It has been a while since we properly made love. Perhaps I’d be better than you remember.”

“Maybe. Either way, it’ll have to wait a bit. Though you could also just rape Smiles some more.”

“You can’t rape the willing. And I was only doing that to teach him that it’s impolite to put things where they aren’t wanted, after it’s been said several times that they aren’t wanted there. Besides, that’s quite rude. Definitely not something I would want to do to anyone.”

“So what do you call giving me random orgasms?”

“Precious gifts. You seem to go out of your way to obtain them from others, so I figured it would be nice to give you some myself.”

“Bitch.”

“Skank.”

“Slut.”

“Ho.”

“Whore.”

“Sexy beast.”

I rolled my eyes and went back to doing fuck all on my laptop.

The day we got back to Canterlot was an overcast and rainy one. Even rich Canterlot assholes need to occasionally water the grass, I suppose. We stopped right next to the palace, since I’m important enough to get away with that, and I flew down to meet Princess Celestia by myself. Watcher was busy gathering his remaining people, Gourd was busy hunting down supplies and testing the ship, and the rest of the crew was probably busy being normal people. I thought about bringing Spike, but I decided I didn’t care enough and Celestia would likely try to get frisky anyway.

The guards probably didn’t want to let me in, but I was wet from the rain and a single look at my face made them decide to stay quiet. They knew it was a losing battle, anyway, and the consequences for even trying it might be dire.

I figured, given what time it was, that Celestia would be in her throne room. There wasn’t a line at the moment and the guards only gave me a glance when I started letting myself in, so I just kept going. Sure enough, the great white horse was conversing with her chief of staff when I walked in. Celestia looked up long enough to see me, then went right back to her conversation, though it seemed like she picked up a hint of a smile. Since interrupting would be rude, I just chilled next to the door until they were done.

When they finally got done talking about the new maid outfits, the fellow in charge of the employees spun around and finally realized I was there. That made him jump slightly, but then he blinked, shrugged, and walked out. I started walking up to Celestia’s dais.

As soon as I got to an acceptably close distance, she asked, “How many of those things are on your ship, now?”

“That’s a very racist way to talk about ponies, Celestia,” I replied.

She rolled her eyes and specified, “The watery things. I believe you called them elementals. How many are there?”

“Twelve on my ship and one more in Africa. That’s where we’re heading as soon as we pick up Twatlight Spankle and her buttbuddies.”

She barely stopped from cracking a wider smile. “Thirteen has been considered by many to be an unlucky number.”

“The only people that talk about luck are those who fail enough to need it. That’s how many water elementals there are.”

She shook her head sadly. “You have a very negative outlook at times, Nav. Maybe you need some cheering up!”

“I think I’m fine, actually. I’m also awfully tired of being sedentary. I’d like to talk about whatever you wanted to talk about so I can get moving again quickly.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly. “How much time did you spend with Chrysalis?”

“Far too much. I think she drained me a little. I’ve been feeling off since I left. I figure I need some time to recover. She’s a damn emotional vampire.”

“Hm. Well, at least it seems that she didn’t drain you of even your will. Though I suppose she drained you of your knowledge. It’s vampony, not vampire.”

“Eternal, actually. But when I come from, it’s vampire. I think mine is a bit more historically sound.”

“...Where did you hear the term eternal?”

“Luna. Seriously though, what did you want to talk about? We have a long trip ahead of us and I’d like to get it started sooner rather than later.”

“Very well. Prepare yourself.” Her horn lit up before I could do anything and we teleported onto a dark raincloud. It was on the top layer of clouds, so we only felt its coolness instead of the wet from the rain. “There. Much more private.” She happily laid herself down and snuggled into the cloud.

I crossed my arms.

She sighed and used magic to make me sit down in front of her. “Doesn’t that feel more comfy?”

“Look, I’m pretty emotionally dead right now and I’m really not in the mood for the bullshit cutesy crap you do with your ponies to try to seem harmless. What do you want to talk about?”

The smile on her face disappeared. “One of my royal traders in Africa went missing several years ago. He’s—”

“Let me stop you right there. His name is Pertz and he went down the Congo to look for ivory.”

She frowned. “Close. Pertz was not sent to look for ivory, however. How do you know of him?”

“Celestia, you read Heart of Darkness after I rewrote it.”

“His name in the book was not Pertz.”

“Alright, here’s the dealio: Zecora was a shaman that got exiled from her home village after this Pertz guy showed up and made the zebras there think he was a god or something. She wants us to go there and oust the douche. I suppose you want me to bring him back?”

“You suppose correctly. His last shipment was around a year ago and all missives have stopped. I want to know why and I want him back in Equestria. Especially if he’s been acting as a… god. I want to bring the light of civilization to Africa, not drown them in superstitions.”

“That’s racist as fuck, but I don’t even care. I’ll try to bring this dickwad out, but no promises. My promise to Zecora is more important than any responsibility you might think I have to you.”

“That is fair, Nav. She is part of your crew and I assume this is the condition she laid upon you to join you.”

“Sorta. First she wanted me to help cure her of rapping all the time.”

Celestia shook her head. “Nav, we have hooves. We rap against everything we walk upon.”

“If I could feel anything right now, it would be an intense burning hatred. Fine, she wanted help to stop from rhyming every time she wanted to talk. Does that offend your delicate horsie sensibilities less?” She smiled and happily nodded. “Go fuck yourself. Anyway, we got that taken care of. The second thing she wanted was a ride back to whatever third world hellhole she came from. That happens to be somewhere along the Congo. I figured since we were going there anyway, we could help her with her issue. Least we can do, after all she’s done for us.”

“Once again, understandable,” she said with a nod. “However, if it’s at all reasonably possible, I would very much like Pertz back here in Canterlot. Alive. If you find any evidence of misdeeds, he will be tried accordingly. If Zecora’s report is true, it’s likely he will find himself in one of Chrysalis’s hives.”

“I’m sure she’ll be ever so happy to hear that,” I sarcastically replied.

“Hm. When you finish with Africa, what will you do?”

“Now that… that’s a very good question,” I said, leaning back. “Honestly, I’m not sure what the elementals are planning. After we get the last water, I want to get the fires and then the earth. But I can’t do it without the waters helping and they might not want to.”

“I find myself wanting to meet one of these… elementals. Face to face, not face to a screen, or through a proxy.”

I smirked. “Be careful what you wish for. The one in my head wants to meet you, too. And she probably won’t be very nice.”

“Perhaps I am due for some rudeness. If you bring her to my dining room, I shall converse with her there. There is no need for secrecy, so hiding her will be unnecessary.”

Flo chuckled in my head. “I’ll be waiting when you’re done…”

“I think I can do that,” I said with a shrug. “But remember that you brought this on yourself. And I am not mediating this meeting. You’re gonna get the full, unadulterated Flo.”

“And she will get me. I don’t expect you to make an attempt to rein her in. The one and only time Flo and I have taken time to converse, it was very… interesting.”

“Yeah, I bet you aren’t used to being told off by someone old enough to make you feel like a child.”

She smirked. “It has been a while since somepony could make me feel like a filly.”

“Well, if you find out that you like it, I’m sure Twilight can find some age regression spell that would let you keep your memory. Then I can treat you like Taya or something.”

“I usually prefer being the mother, not the child. But if you’d like, I can find some way to let you be my mommy…”

“Go to hell. Now, is there anything else you need?”

“Information about Chrysalis and the hive, if you’re willing to give it.”

“I’m willing to take questions. Whether or not I’ll answer depends entirely upon the question.”

She pursed her lips. “I’m interested. What has Chrysalis done to earn your loyalty?”

“Not raped me. Or let me get raped. Or put me in a position where such a thing happened.”

“Is that truly all? I doubt your loyalty is so easy to earn.”

“I may be a bad person, but I’m not a dick, Celestia. Aren’t friends supposed to look out for friends?”

“It has been a long time since I would associate the word friendly with Chrysalis. I warned you time and again, but I must do so again. I wouldn’t trust her, Navarone. I know she doesn’t trust you.”

“Oh? How many people do you think she’s told the true story of how she became Chrysalis?”

“Her ‘true story’?” she scoffed. “Thousands. Most of them males of various races, so she could play the sympathy card.” She waved a hoof. “I assume she used the typical one where she was corrupted by love poison? Or maybe she decided to use the unrequited love mixed with a genie angle. Or maybe—”

“Moonbeam made a deal with Discord and he turned her into the mother of changelings.”

Her mouth slowly dropped.

“That one not so common, huh? She was a midwife. You were her student. You were both at a house, delivering Luna, when Discord came knocking. She made you run with Luna while she confronted him. He cut her a deal that she took. I assume she quickly came to regret it, since she helped the two of you defeat him.”

She managed to regain her composure while I was talking and said, “Perhaps I was mistaken. And perhaps you’re a marked stallion. You will keep that story to yourself. Doing so will help ensure your lifespan remains long.”

“I’ve already been warned, trust me. What other questions do you have?”

“What is her technological progress?”

I smiled. “She’s making trains that run on a mix of magic and electricity. Three magic users can make the thing run from one hive to another, pulling several cars at once. No smoke, no hills, no weird bumps, and no risk of bandits or monsters. She also has a good supply of copper for wires and other metals for other things, since their currency is just lumps of metal. And gold’s also a good conductor, and they don’t give a shit about its value. She’s also considering making boats and airships that run off similar magitec so she can begin trading with the world to let her changelings be seen in a less hostile light. The hives are also lit up with electrical light.”

She didn’t look all too happy about a lot of that. “I see. And would you happen to know how this engine of hers works?”

“You could ask her, you know. They’re allies, Celestia.”

“That was a yes or no question, Nav.”

“Then yes. I’m just sayin’. You two could get married to really cement it.”

“Would you be willing or able to explain it to my engineers?” she asked, completely ignoring my brilliantly sexy idea.

“No, but I’d be willing and able to explain it to you. I don’t like your asshole engineers.”

“They don’t like you, either. Very well, then. Explain it to me like I’m five.”

“Where’s your mommy and daddy, little one? Do you need me to help you find them?”

She grabbed some cloud with magic and smacked me with it.

“Alright, you have two electromagnets on rods around a central axis with metal interspaced evenly between them. Use a little magic to power them and they’ll start spinning. That spin will generate electricity that’ll be used to power the train. Do it on a large enough scale and you’ll be set.”

“I see. If it’s so simple, I wonder why my engineers haven’t managed to discover it…”

“Probably because they don’t like you, they don’t like me, and they really don’t want to be working for you.”

“Or because their minds work on a different level.”

“Or because there are only two of them and probably hundreds of changelings. Do note that this is only something I happened to see while I was there. I have no idea what else they might be doing. I was acting as Chrysalis’s advisor and this wasn’t very high on her list of priorities at the time.”

“It might be time to pay one of her hives a personal visit. She has been a visitor at my palace and at my parties several times recently, so perhaps she would allow it.”

“I kinda doubt she’s ever in too much of a hurry to come visit you. But you know, whatevs. You do you, man.”

She lifted an eyebrow for a moment before saying, “Be wary of what you say, Navarone. You have… fans in Canterlot. And elsewhere. A few of them have already begun mimicking some of your speech patterns. I’d wager it won’t be too long before some of your colloquialisms are used in everyday speech, even among regular ponies.”

“Cry me a river. You got any other questions?”

“On what did you advise her? I imagine she has considerably more experience than you. Why would she want your assistance?”

“This and that. I’m not certain she’d want me discussing her reasons for using me.”

“Very well. Did anything of note happen while you were in the hive?”

“Two things, both weird. I ran into a very strange creature made of mushrooms while I was helping changelings clear an area for copper. She spoke to me like I was a very strange creature made of trees. When I explained that the changelings were going to destroy her mushroom copse, she decided to leave and explore.”

“I… see. I did not realize there were still madremontes roaming the world. Or that there were some made out of mushrooms rather than trees. That is certainly a thing of interest and possibly one of concern, but I will deal with it should the need ever arise.”

“What’s a madremonte?”

She sighed. “A guardian of nature. They usually enroot themselves in a forest and guard it. My sister and I have had issues in the past with a few of them. She actually befriended one of them long ago, but they lost touch in the ravages of time.”

“Neat. The other thing of note is more personal. Chrysalis took me to where the changelings lay their dead to rest and some kind of evil spirit tried luring me to my death. I’m still very much haunted and it seems they can partially control my body through Ava. I’m thinking I might need to talk to a very powerful necromancer to help me.”

“...Or a very powerful lich. But they are few and far between, these days. My sister and I made sure of that.”

“I’m willing to bet Grogar’s up and kicking.”

She flinched very slightly. “If he is, he is in Tartarus. Necromancy is an evil magic, Navarone.”

“There’s no such thing as magic that is evil. Magic is neither good nor evil. Its morality depends entirely upon its use.”

“As a magic user, I can safely say you are incorrect. There are dark things in this world, Nav. Binding your soul into an object so you can never be destroyed is evil. Raising the dead and unleashing them upon innocents is evil. Destroying an entire continent’s ecosystem in some mad attempt to make ponies leave the area around your base is evil.” She shook her head. “If your only choices are living with this spirit or finding something like Grogar to assist you, I’d say your only choice would be living with it.”

“Living with it will likely mean dying because of it. But I am in no hurry to go to Tartarus to find Grogar. I’m still looking for alternate solutions. Something just has to be done or it might well kill me. And worse, condemn my soul to join hers, locked in some prison for all eternity.”

“That is… not an ideal scenario.”

“No fucking kiddin’.”

“I am hesitant to do this, but I believe she is ready. I also believe a well-rounded education is very important, even if it delves into things that are… unwise to explore. I will grant Twilight the use of a few forbidden texts, on the condition that you watch her carefully. And if she conducts any experiments into necromancy, I want her supervised by a soldier. With luck, she’ll be able to eventually help you in removing your dark spirit.”

“Do you really think she’d want to? That’s some pretty dark shit, Celestia.”

“Yes, I do. She was quite pleased with learning the smattering of dark magic I taught her before sending her to the Crystal Empire. It’s a dangerous line she will be treading, but I trust that with the help of you and her other friends, she will stay true.”

“Whatevs. I guess if she can get this damn thing out of me, it’ll work. Now, any other questions?”

“One. Would you perhaps be interested in a little… roll in the clouds, so to say?”

“No. Besides, as funny as it would be, I kinda don’t want our fluids leaking into the clouds and then down on Canterlot.”

“True enough, I suppose. I shall teleport us back to the castle, then. Twilight and her friends are ready to go on my word. When we get below, lead Flo to my dining hall and then I shall send her and Twilight to the ship when we are done with our discourse.”

“Flo’s already waiting for you. Remember, she’s in my head.”

“...Very well. I will have everypony on your ship when we are done with our talk.” Before she teleported us down, she quickly leaned in and kissed me. After a few seconds, she pulled away with a smile. “It’s good to see you again, Navi.” And then we teleported back down to the throne room, with both of us on the floor.

I assume she thought I wouldn’t comment on what she said if she put us in a public place. She obviously didn’t know me as well as she thought. “Don’t call me that, sunbutt.” Both of the guards flinched and glared at me.

Celestia smirked as we both stood. “I think it sounds cute. Do you think we should obtain a stallion’s opinion?”

“No, I think you should go fuck yourself. Anyway, I’m—”

She gagged me with magic and turned to the guards. “Don’t you think Navi is a cute nickname?”

My mouth might have been forced shut, but she didn’t stop the rest of me from moving. I turned and stared at the guards with the dullest expression I could, and then loudly popped my knuckles.

It seemed my suspicion was correct. Both the guards nervously gulped. One cleared his throat and said, “N-no, your majesty…” Fear is powerful.

“Hmph. Well, it’s not going to stop me. Now, I need to go have a conversation with Miss Flo. I look forward to our next meeting… Navi.” She used magic to blink away before I could tell her to kill herself.

I kinda had a feeling the guards wanted me to leave, so I just walked on out without even glancing at them. Since there wasn’t anything else I really needed to do in the palace, I started heading to the main entrance. Getting to the ship before I could get sucked into more bullshit was my primary goal.

Of course, I’m not allowed to have nice things. As soon as I got a few steps away from the throne room, I was accosted by a very disturbed looking day guard. As soon as he jumped in front of me, he bowed and wailed, “PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!”

“...Who are you?”

“The dreams… I can’t stop dreaming about it!” He jumped up, grabbed my shoulders, and started shaking me. “Why are you doing this?!”

Since he was already shaking me and his helmet got knocked loose when he jumped, I leaned back and then slammed my head against his, making him let me go and reel back. It probably hurt me just as much, but my forehead against his nose meant I came out on top.

Before he could recover, I jumped behind him, grabbed his tail, and kicked one of his back legs out from under him. One of his front legs was on his face and one of his back legs was down, so when I pushed in his back knee, he crumpled to the ground. Then I grabbed both wings by their lowest joints and pulled them taut, making him completely stop for fear of me breaking them.

“Alright, so who are you and why do I care?” I casually asked.

“P-pointy Hat, sir!”

Who the fu—Oh yeah, that guy! “I gave you those dreams for one night, soldier. Then I kinda forgot about it because I didn’t care enough.”

“Liar!” I pulled slightly tighter, making him gulp. “I-I mean… I’m still dreaming them, sir…”

“Well, that’s not my fault. I don’t control what people dream unless I’m actually in the dream, and I haven’t looked at yours. Everyone’s set on dreams that would make them happy. So I guess getting fucked up the ass by dragons and diamond dogs makes you happy. Slut.”

“B-but—”

“Yes, your butt. Being penetrated. A lot. Guess you like that, don’t you?” He whimpered and his back end flinched slightly.

“You… you can help me, sir! Give me good dreams again! Please, I beg of you!”

“Eh. If I remember tonight, I’ll take a peek. If it looks like you’re having a nightmare, I’ll step in. Otherwise, it sounds like a big ol’ dose of not my problem. I’m not going to help someone hide from his deepest, darkest desires.”

“But—”

“We’ve already been over this. Your butt, being penetrated a lot.” He sagged, seemingly giving up. “I’m going to leave now. Sweet dreams.” When I let go, he didn’t even move, aside from letting his wings fall down to the floor. I shook my head and continued to the exit.

My streak of not being allowed to have nice things continued, though at least the rain had stopped. Fleur was standing at the outer gates, watching the front doors of the palace. As soon as she saw me, her face lit up. Unfortunately, I couldn’t pretend to not see her, so I sighed and continued walking to meet her. As soon as I got in range, she happily hopped up to hug me. I awkwardly patted her back, wondering how I could get away from her quickly. The Taya excuse always worked, but I figured I could at least wait to hear what she had to say.

“Thank Celestia you’re back!” she said when she let me go.

“I’m not going to be back for long. Chances are, we’re leaving in a few hours.”

“That is… not as long as I had hoped. But long enough to assist me with an issue. I really need your help.”

I slipped my hands in my pocket, slouched slightly, and started walking into town. She followed, a smile on her face. “I’m listening,” I said when we were out of the guards’ earshot.

She was silent for a few seconds before saying, “I have accidentally discovered a secret that I should most definitely not know. The captain of the night guard is hiding something very dark and very dangerous.”

“...And how many other people have you told this secret?” I slowly asked.

“None, for two reasons. One… she knows that I know. I discovered it last night, so she hasn’t yet had time to do anything nor have I had time to fully process it. Two, I very dearly need advice. This is something that should not be, yet I cannot help but feel that the princesses know.”

“It’s something you’re going to continue telling no one. It’s something you’re going to forget.”

She looked up at the sky, where we could barely see the sun setting behind the minimal cloud cover. “The night is coming, Nav. And with it will come… her. She knows that I know and I’m quite worried I know exactly how she’ll react.”

“Your guess is incorrect.” We were coming up on a pair of guards, one of which was a reassigned night guard. Fleur ducked slightly behind me, but I walked up to them. “I need to know where Captain Midnight lives,” I said to the night guard.

“Do you have a crime to report, sir?” he asked. “You can do that with any of us.”

“She’s a friend of mine and I’d like to visit her before I go,” I said. “But I never got her address. I don’t think she bunks with the most of the guards.”

“1875 Croglin Grange, sir. Do you need a guide?”

“No, I know where that is. Thanks.”

“Happy to help,” he replied with a nod.

When I turned to start walking toward Croglin, Fleur gripped my arm with a hoof, but didn’t say a word until we were away from the guards. When we were, she hissed, “What are you doing?!”

“You don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to, Fleur. But if she knows that you know, I think it would be prudent for me to speak to her quickly and assure her that you’re not going to say a word. Assuming, of course, you’re not going to say a word.”

She either heard the hint in my tone or saw my hand clutching my dagger, but she quickly nodded. “My lips are sealed. She… she isn’t dangerous, is she? I mean, I know she must… obtain nourishment somehow…”

“She isn’t. How did you find out?”

“I am accustomed to knowing everything about everypony. Captain Midnight was an anomaly, an anomaly that I sought to correct. Suffice it to say, I have decided that some anomalies are not worth correcting.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet.”

She was silent for a few more blocks before asking, “And how did you discover her secret?”

“She told me. Once again, you don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to.”

“I… She won’t… she won’t hurt me, will she?”

“No. She’d have to go through me first.” From the way she smiled, I’m pretty sure she thought I would be willing to put myself in harms way to save her. I would be doing it to protect Blossom. But I suppose protecting Fleur would be a bonus, or whatever. “I very highly doubt it will come to that, though.” I wasn’t on my period, so Blossom wouldn’t be smelling fresh blood. Hopefully that meant she wouldn’t go berserk.

“I certainly hope not. I’d hate for either of you to get hurt on my behalf.”

Then maybe you shouldn’t have been sticking your nose where it didn’t belong. “She may be very skilled and have some interesting abilities, but I’m just as skilled in other areas. It would definitely be an interesting fight.” One that would make me regret leaving my sword on the ship.

At least that made her shut up.

When we got to Blossom’s creepy-ass house at the end of a creepy-ass street, we found a single very well armored night guard standing directly in front of her door. He saluted as soon as he saw me.

“I don’t recognize that insignia,” I said, looking his armor over. “It’s not night guard and it’s not day guard.” His badge was an eagle, strangely enough.

“I am a member of the Deathwatch, sir,” he calmly said, lowering his salute. “We normally never leave Tartarus. My presence was requested here by Princess Luna, before she fell.”

“Do you trail Captain Midnight, or just guard her home?”

“Her home.”

“Is she currently in there?”

“Yes.”

“Cool. Am I allowed in?”

“You are. Your companion is not, unless I am given approval by Captain Midnight. The only order I have for you is to not enter her inner sanctum without being invited, Navarone. I will put this trust in you.”

“It’s a trust I won’t abuse. Fleur, wait here. Or go home.”

“I shall remain here, Nav. Knowing this business is over with will be very comforting.”

The guard stepped back and pushed the door open for me, then moved aside so I could enter. To save him some trouble, I pushed it shut behind me and pretty quickly regretted it. My weird eyes can see pretty well in the dark, but this place was nearly pitch black. The only thing stopping me from having a panic attack about being back in the bunker was the presence of two small cracks of light that framed a sealed skylight. It didn’t help that the entire place smelled somewhat moldy.

It gave me enough light to barely see around the entrance room. It was unsurprisingly bare. The floor was some kind of hardwood and seemed to creak with every step. Two dusty couches sat next to each other in one of the corners. If I had to guess, I’d say neither had been used in a while. A single bare coffee table sat between them. One of the walls had what looked like some kind of mirror, but I could see several glints from the floor in front of it that told me the thing was shattered onto the floor. Against another wall was a table with something on it. I couldn’t identify it from where I was, so I walked over and picked it up.

It was some kind of stick. A very hard stick. I don’t know what its purpose was, but one end was very sharp. The door slowly eased open behind me while I was contemplating it. Around its midway point, the thing let out a creak and I whirled around, automatically lifting the stick up in defense.

Blossom’s bright eyes opened as wide as they could when she saw me holding that thing. “By the night, she sent… she sent you…”

“What?”

She backed up a step and almost slammed the door shut, but then closed her eyes and quietly walked into the room. “I… I ask that you give me a chance, Navarone. Let me go to Tartarus. I will do it willingly. You don’t have to kill me. I can still serve.”

I blinked a few times and then looked at what I was holding. It was a wooden stake, perfect for plunging into a vampire. When I realized that, I quickly put it back on the table behind me.

“I won’t fight you,” she said, opening her eyes again. “I just ask that if you do choose to kill me… Please make it quick.”

“I’m not here to hurt you, Blossom. And I’m not here to take you to Tartarus, either.”

“Are you here to… to help me escape? I won’t run from it, Nav. This is my due.”

“Fleur found out your secret. I’m the only one she’s told. And I’m the only one she’s going to tell. I’m here now to tell you that it’s been taken care of and that you don’t need to hurt her.”

She blinked. “Fleur… didn’t tell anyone? But I thought… She tells everyone everything!”

“Not this. She’s outside right now, scared out of her mind. She assumes the princesses know and doesn’t want to say anything she shouldn’t because of it.”

“I’m… surprised.”

“Well, I hope you’re not disappointed. I’m curious though. How did she find out?”

“I made a mistake while apprehending a very inebriated deer last night. It was a creature I hadn’t tasted before and… Fleur witnessed it. It is a mistake I will not be making again.”

“Good.” She looked away, so I walked over to one of the nasty couches and took a seat. “So—”

“How did you get in?” she asked, looking back at me.

“The Deathwatch guard told me I could come in, but that I couldn’t go into your inner sanctum without your permission. I was only here for a minute or two before you came in. He made Fleur wait outside.”

“...I wonder why he let you in. I was told his orders were to allow none but Princess Luna herself into my home.”

“You don’t have to talk across the room, you know. There’s another couch right here.”

She looked at it for a few seconds before walking over to it and lowering herself into the dusty thing. “Normally, visitors wait for permission before making themselves at home.”

“Somehow I doubt you have many visitors. Also, it’s pretty dim in here.”

“I can see perfectly fine.”

“You’re also a fucking vampire. We’ll need to open the skylight before we invite Fleur in.”

Her eyes opened wider. “What do you mean, invite her in?! She isn’t going to tell anyone and I’m not going to ever bother her again. I’m going to do my best to forget she even exists!”

“She’s nervous because she thinks you might be dangerous. If you show her you’re a perfectly normal pony that’s only more adorable than average, she probably won’t feel any risk in keeping your secret.”

She slowly lifted a hoof to massage her temple. “It’s too early in the night for this…”

“I can spare some blood if you need a quick pick-me-up.”

“No. No, if we’re going to bring Fleur in, I’ll… accept your offer when she’s in here. When she… found me last night, the deer was in pain. I want to show her that it’s not a painful process, and that I don’t accept it from others unless absolutely necessary. Even then, I’ve only taken it willingly from two sources.”

“Luna?”

“Once. I was so ashamed…”

“...I wouldn’t be.”

“I said was.” She cast a quick look over her abode. “What do you think needs to be done before we invite Missus Fleur in?”

“I don’t suppose you can sweep up that broken glass?”

She winced slightly. “No. I… don’t have a broom. Or any other cleaning supplies. I don’t spend much time here, aside from when I sleep…”

“Shit. Well, what about the skylight? Is it nailed shut or just closed?”

“If I’m awake, the sun must be down, or near enough to it…” She closed her eyes, then burst into some kind of dark smoke that drifted up to the ceiling and then over to the opening. When she was right under it, she regained her normal form and started flapping her wings. That made it easy enough to open the roof, letting the little bit of remaining light from the setting sun in. She flinched slightly again, but landed while leaving it open. “There.”

The extra light gave me a much better view of her house, allowing me to discover that there were cobwebs all over the place. A rat quickly scuttled away from the light. Blossom eyed it for a moment with bared fangs before shaking her head and returning to the couch, which had a bat-pony shaped imprint in the dust from where she had been sitting before. She paid it no mind and fell right back into the imprint, sending up a small cloud of dust.

“...Next time I come to Canterlot, I’m bringing Doppel and we’re cleaning your house,” I said.

“No you’re not. Can you think of anything else I might need to do before greeting this awful mare?”

“Well, do you have any flowers or anything? We could put them on the table. Or maybe put one in your hair.”

She gave me a very dour look. “I may technically be dead, but I know I do not stink.”

“That’s not what I… Whatever. Without taking a lot of time to clean this place, I guess we’re pretty much done. I’m not sure we can convince Fleur you’re entirely normal, but at least we can make her realize you’re mostly harmless. But you’re probably going to have to tell the guard to let her in.”

She nodded and stood. “Should I be nervous?”

“Nah. Fleur won’t tell anyone no matter what happens. This is just to give you peace of mind that she won’t, so you don’t have to take my word for it.”

She rolled her eyes and walked over to the door. When she got there, she took a short moment to compose herself before opening it. The guard was still standing in front of it, with a very nervous Fleur looking like she was wondering whether or not she should just go. “She may enter,” Blossom quietly said. “If she would like.”

The guard stepped aside without a word. Fleur gulped, took a deep breath, and joined us in the musty house. I saw her nose immediately scrunch at the slightly moldy smell, but she didn’t say a word about it. Blossom slowly pushed the door closed behind her, making Fleur flinch.

“No need to just stand there,” I said, patting the couch next to me. I had conveniently sat to where I would act as a sort of buffer between Blossom and Fleur, so neither would have to worry about the other.

“Make yourself at home,” Blossom dully said as she walked back to her couch, not even sparing Fleur a glance. Fleur eyed the couch with no small distaste, but sat next to me anyway.

“Thank you for your… hospitality,” she replied, almost managing to hide the disgust in her tone.

I shook my head. “Cut the crap, Fleur. We all know this place is filthy. We all know you’re terrified. She can probably hear your heart beating and I can definitely feel you clutching onto my arm.”

“You… you can’t actually do that, can you?” Fleur asked, eyeing the captain.

“I can, but not because you’re afraid. Normally, it’s a dull thump that I put in the back of my mind to let me know where everyone is. I can never hear Nav’s. But yours… Right now, it sounds like you just ran a marathon.”

“Then… it’s true. It really… It really is… You’re one of them.”

Blossom looked away.

“She is,” I said. “And that secret is going to stay quiet. If she was dangerous, neither of the princesses would have let her stay as the captain of the night guards.”

Fleur gulped again and nervously said, “You didn’t see her last night, Nav. She… Dear Celestia, she—”

“I made a mistake,” Blossom said, locking her eyes with Fleur’s, making the mare flinch. “It is not usually a painful process. Nor is it a process I usually use on something living. Most of my… nourishment comes from blood donations. I can subsist off a single bag a night. However, sometimes there are fewer donations available than others, and I must… make do. And sometimes when I do… accidents happen.”

Fleur still looked pretty conflicted, so I started talking. “She’s fed off me before, Fleur. Three times. Once I was asleep, so you know it’s so gentle that it doesn’t even wake someone up. And I’m willing to let her do it right now, to prove that to you.”

Fleur’s eyes opened wide and her grip on my arm tightened even more. “No! I wouldn’t… I couldn’t ask that of you, Nav! I trust you, I do!”

“All the same, she does need to eat,” I said. “And this serves a dual purpose.”

“No. If… if I am to truly believe it hurts nopony, I would have her do it to me.”

Blossom’s eyes opened slightly wider and my eyebrows shot up. “Are you sure about that?” I asked.

“No… but I’m sure that I will trust her if she does.” I shrugged and looked at Blossom.

“I question the wisdom,” Blossom said. “But very well.” She slowly stood and walked over to Fleur, who looked just about ready to bolt in any direction. “You might feel a minor sting at first.”

“Will… will it scar?” she asked.

“Only if you jerk away. But that will not be an issue. Look into my eyes!” Blossom’s eyes flashed and Fleur jumped once, then instantly relaxed. “Bare yourself to me.” Fleur lifted her head and leaned in further, pushing her neck toward Blossom. She leaned in and licked the area around the carotid for a few seconds before quickly thrusting her fangs in. Fleur didn’t even flinch. Her eyes were closed and she had a small smile on her face.

After a few very long seconds, Blossom removed her fangs and began licking Fleur’s neck again. To my wonderment, the wounds quickly sealed shut, looking like she had never even been hurt. One of my hands went unbidden to my throat, where Blossom has visited three times. Of course, I couldn’t even feel the bumps from what should have been small scars.

When the captain finally pulled away, Fleur sagged and then leaned onto me. I held her up, of course. It didn’t take her too long to recover. When she did, she lifted a trembling hoof to her neck, trying to feel for blood. She pulled it away clean. “What… How did…?”

“My spit has healing properties,” Blossom said as she sat back down.

“You uh… have some blood on your chin,” I said, pointing at my own. Fleur gripped onto me again as Blossom extended her weird vampire tongue to lick it off. “Alright, so was it painless?” I asked.

“...Yes. Strangely calming, in fact.”

“Alright, cool. And are you still afraid of our adorable night captain?”

Blossom sighed. “Why do you keep calling me adorable, Nav? You know I’m a killing machine and even more of a predator than you are.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re a cutie pie,” I said, reaching out to boop her nose. She bore it with a resigned stoicism, though that didn’t stop her from glaring at me.

Fleur finally smiled. “No, I don’t think I’m afraid anymore. You have… different needs, but if what you said about getting blood from donations is true, then I don’t believe you make a habit of harming anypony. Especially if those you take live donations from feel so calm when you do it. I do have a question, though. If your curse is such a nonissue, why is it secret?”

Blossom grimaced and looked away.

I didn’t know the actual answer for that, but I could take a few guesses. Before Fleur could backpedal out of politeness, I said, “So no one would be encouraged to bother her. You wouldn’t believe how many fetishists want to experience new things. I know that from experience. Sleeping with a vampire would be one hell of a new thing. She also doesn’t want anyone coming to her begging to be made into a vampire. And of course—”

“I’m illegal,” Blossom said, rudely cutting me off. “Undead are banned in Equestria. Even the sapient undead. I’m not even supposed to be in Equestria, let alone be the captain of the guard…”

Fleur smiled even wider. “I’m actually happy knowing that the guard captain is a tireless vampony. Well, now that I know you better. I’m sure you have all manner of useful skills and powers you can use to protect everypony!” Blossom blinked. “And Navi is right, you know. You really are quite cute. I bet we could fix your dark reputation up quickly if you let me help!”

“NO!” Fleur flinched at the outburst. Blossom seemed to withdraw into the couch slightly before shaking her head. “No. I must spend as little time as possible around… normal ponies. None of them can ever know.”

“They already know you have fangs, dear. If you just spend some time around them, I’m sure you can make several friends. And then it won’t matter as much if your secret ever got out, because they’d be there to help and defend you!”

I don’t know if a vampire can go any more pale, but Blossom might have managed it. Her eyes quickly went to mine for support. I shrugged and said, “Up to you. But the last time I was here, you mentioned how your social life was dead. Ponies are extremely social creatures, but you have no one to talk to. Having a few friends would be good for you. Fleur would be able to introduce you to the people in Canterlot worth being friends with. Not for their power, but for their personalities. So if all you want out of this is Fleur’s assurance that she’ll stay silent, you have it and we’ll leave. But if you want an improvement to this…” I waved my hand around her room, encompassing the lonely, dark mess. “…then Fleur can help you. And I’ll leave. Because unfortunately, I do kinda need to go.” I think Flo was keeping me awake. Otherwise, I’d probably have fallen asleep on that nasty couch already.

Blossom bit her lip and slowly looked around the room.

“Attending one party won’t hurt you, will it?” Fleur asked. “Many of my companions have expressed an interest in meeting you face to face. You’re usually very absent at the royal parties…”

“I suppose one… wouldn’t hurt,” Midnight finally said.

“Cool,” I said, standing. “I’m gonna head out, then. I’ll see you both the next time I’m in Canterlot.”

Of course, that was Fleur’s cue to jump up and hug me, since that’s just the kind of person she is. When she let go, I absentmindedly brushed off the dust from her coat that got onto my shirt. “I’m looking forward to it,” she said with her typical smile. “And uh… sorry about the dust. I suppose I’ll need to take a shower before bed.”

“Yeah. See you, Blossom.”

“May the shadows shroud you, Nav. And… thank you.”

“Creepy as fuck. And no problem.” With that, I finally started leaving that nasty fucking house.

Before I could close the door, I heard Fleur say, “Now, what kind of cute dress should we get you?” As much as I wanted to hear where that particular conversation was going, I really did need to get back. The Deathwatch guard paid me no mind at all as I walked away from the house and then jumped into the air.

By the time I got to the ship, I really should have been in bed. Flo wasn’t back yet and neither were the girls, so thankfully they weren’t waiting on me. Most of the guards were on deck, either staring out at Canterlot and talking or training. Gourd was up near the wheelhouse, so I landed next to him.

“Anything happening?” I asked.

“No sir. Why do you smell like must and mold?”

“Because I just got out of a tomb. Weird, long story that also isn’t important. As soon as everyone gets aboard, cast off.”

“Aye aye. Are you heading to bed?”

“Oh yeah. I should have been there at least half an hour ago, but people in Canterlot are so needy. If anything big comes up, handle it. If anything you can’t handle comes up, you better be prepared to hit me with an energy spell to wake me up.”

“I know. Goodnight for now, Nav.”

“See you in the mornin’.”

None of the guards were all that interested in talking and no one else was between me and my bed, so I just got to my room, locked the door, stripped out of those nasty fucking clothes, and fell into the mostly uncomfortable bed.

“Flo, you better not get yourself killed.”

“We’re having an extremely civil conversation. Assuming you consider extreme passive aggression and very veiled threats civil.”

“It’s the basis of civilization, so sure I guess. Have fun or whatever.” With that, she finally let me fall asleep. Though of course, I immediately beheld her again anyway. “Want to go torment a day guard?”

“Happily.” Just like that, we entered the dream world and began searching for that Pointy Hat fellow.

“Are we bad people?” I asked as I gazed upon his red dream.

She waited until I gently peeled it open to answer. “Yes.” Of course, he was dreaming about stallions. Not that it was my fault, of course. I meant what I said; I really only did mess with him once. But that’s because I only had to do it once. Every night after that, he did it for me.

“I’m okay with that.”

“Me too.” Since we were both fine with being terrible people, I went on to find other dreams to play with.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Four

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Four

When I woke up the next morning, a familiar purple horse was sitting in my room, staring somewhat dubiously at a book bound in leather. As soon as I sat up, Twilight looked over to me. “So you’re finally awake.” She barely gave my naked chest a glance.

“So I am,” I said. “And you’re finally back on the ship.”

“So I am…” She looked back down to the book for a moment before going back to staring at me. “Do you know anything about this?”

“I’m assuming this is one of those forbidden texts Celestia said she was going to give you. She wanted me to have someone watching out for you if you did experiments.”

“I… understand why. After looking into it, this book is evil. I’m somewhat cautious about even reading it.”

Since just sitting up was kind of uncomfortable, I bared the rest of my flesh and turned so I could lean against the wall. “Well, unless Celestia’s planning on giving you a test about it, you don’t have to read it. You got plenty of other shit you could be doing, anyway. Learning about that evil armor, learning about dream stuff, really kinky sex, writing about really kinky sex, or I guess being a normal, boring horse.”

She looked back down at the book and gently put a hoof on the cover. “It’s going to be a long trip… And I know you’re still possessed.” She looked back again. “Do you want me to learn this, Nav? Be honest, please.”

“...Yes. I almost died in the hive because of Ava. The only necromancer that I know of is Grogar, and if he’s still alive, he’s in Tartarus. Celestia, Zecora, and Athena couldn’t get this thing out of me. But none of them have spent any special amount of time learning this dark magic. Someone who really studies it might be able to save me.” She looked back down at the book, uncertainty painted across her face. “If it was just an inconvenience, I would tell you to lock that book away and never look at it. But I don’t think these ghosts just want me dead, Twilight. I think they want me locked in their hell for all eternity. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. At this point, I don’t believe any kind of god could have been cruel enough to make this place. But I know that there is something after death, a special kind of hell that not everyone experiences. I don’t want that hell. If the choice was reading that book versus risking letting me die, I’d take my death any day. But if the choice is reading it versus my eternal soul…”

She sighed and nodded, looking back up at me. “And despite everything, I’m curious. I read Grogar’s journal, the one we pulled out of Athena’s realm. I want to know what drove someone to shattering his own soul and binding it to an object. Maybe I’ll find answers in these books.”

“It’s a lot to ask and I hate to ask it, Twilight. But if anyone can figure this magic out without an actual teacher, it’s you.”

“And I will certainly try.” She lifted the book with magic and looked back to me. “But I do want to learn how to use the dream magic, as well. I went through the trouble of attuning myself to it. I might as well learn how to help you keep nightmares down.”

I nodded. “I’ll show up in your dreams tonight. With Aqua’s help, it should be extremely easy. Assuming, you know, she actually does help.”

“She will,” Twilight said. “After watching you do it when we were… with Trixie, she’s interested as well. And of course, there are several other things I need to do. Experimenting with your dragon scale armor will coincide with learning about necromancy, since it’s probably powered by that dark magic. I also believe I’ve successfully modified Trixie’s collars and I would like to test those. And I still have more magic artifacts from our time in Athena’s realm to look over. None of the ones I’ve studied so far have been any kind of useful, sadly.”

“That’s probably why they were left there.” Or why their previous owners didn’t make it.

“Likely.” She shook her head sadly. “I have so much to do and so little time…”

“You could pawn the artifacts off on Watcher or another of his unicorns. They’re very experienced and would be able to learn the proper procedures for dealing with them. Some of them are probably bored enough to do it, too.”

“That’s a good idea! I’ve been meaning to talk with more of them, anyway. I’ve learned that experience means a lot more when it comes to magic than knowledge does. Losing to Trixie twice did a good job of teaching me that.”

“And I bet the changelings also helped.”

She pursed her lips slightly and didn’t reply to that. “I can take over Kumani’s room to use as a lab. If I have to be supervised by a soldier anyway, I can let the unicorns supervise me while I supervise their attempts to study the artifacts.”

“Cool. If you find any sex toys, let me know. I still haven’t been to her room since she left.”

“Noted. Speaking of which, I did happen to bring mine. And I most definitely remember a promise you made.”

“And so do I. Just give me a few days. Chrysalis drained me some and I need some time off.”

Her eyes opened slightly wider and she took a small step closer. “She didn’t hurt you, did she?”

“No. Just drained me. I don’t even know if she did it on purpose.” Though to be fair, that might also have been the changeling hookers. There were definitely a lot of them, since we were their only customers. She really didn’t need to know about that, though. Not since Spike was there.

“It… it took my brother a few weeks after she drained him, Nav. You remember how he was directly after we saved him. Wild. Reckless. Then he would shift straight to melancholy. It took him being around friends and Cadance to get better. Locking yourself in your room won’t help.”

“Yeah, probably not. You need anything else?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’m going to tell Flo on you if you don’t come out of your room.”

“Twilight, that’s not how being a dom works. If I’m being a naughty boy, you have to punish me yourself. But seriously though, fuck off. After what I did last night, I really need a shower.”

She slowly lifted an eyebrow. “You’ll sleep with the princess, but not me?”

“What…? No, I was with—No. I don’t need a shower because of sex, I need one because I was somewhere nasty. I was helping two friends resolve an issue between them.”

That got her back to happy. “Did you write a friendship report to Princess Celestia?”

“McFucking kill yourself.” She giggled, surprisingly. “You have spent far too much time around me. I love it. Anyway, if I feel up to it, I’ll head up to the deck when I’m clean. Now, unless you feel like being a makeshift loofa, bugger off.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means I’ll lather you up with soap and use you to wash my body. Basically, you’d be an adorable and squishy wash cloth.”

“Huh. Didn’t you say two ponies in one shower isn’t fun?”

“Yeah. But you’d be a loofa, not a pony, so I wouldn’t care as much.”

“...I think I’ll pass. It’s an offer I’ll consider later, though, should we ever come across a fairly large bathtub. I believe I know a shrinking spell or two. It would be an interesting experience.”

“For both parties. I bet Dash would love it, too.”

Twilight shivered slightly. “After seeing her… tied up with Gilda, I can’t help but wonder what else she’d like. I thought you were joking about her interests, but now… It’s not my business, though.”

“You could totally ask her to help you test Trixie’s collars, you know.”

“...I could. Hm. I’ll talk to you later, Nav. As much as you think you need time alone to recover from Chrysalis, please at least try to get out. I promise that it’ll do a lot to help.”

“I promise that I might.” But probably not. She sighed and walked out, shaking her head.

“She isn’t wrong, you know,” Flo said, doing her best to butt in where she wasn’t wanted. “And you’re only upset at me for saying that because you don’t want Twilight to be right about something friendship-related.”

“Shut up, Flo. You aren’t my real mom!”

“No, but I could probably replace all of your memories of her with me and make you think I was.”

“...Is that actually something you can do?”

“I don’t know. Hold on.”

Wait, no!

“Too late. What did you get for your tenth birthday party?”

I don’t… I don’t remember ever raising a puppy… What the hell did you just do?

“I’m just checking a feature I never really thought about. Those extra nanites we picked up in the Russian bunker had a few features I never tested. One of them was erasing memories. I was able to rework that into replacing them. So instead of your parents embarrassing you in front of your friends and family by making you put on the dress they got for your sister, you got a puppy.”

Put that memory back or get the hell out of my body. And just like that, something clicked and I regretfully remembered what really happened.

“It wasn’t intended to be a permanent change, just a test to see if I could,” she quickly said. “I knew you would be upset.”

“You’re goddamn right. The only reason I’m not demanding you get the fuck out right now is because of trust. Don’t make me regret that.”

“You know me, Nav. There’s no need to warn me. I have never done anything to outright hurt you and you should know I never will. I am not my sisters. And in interacting with all the vibrant personalities on the ship, hopefully my sisters will remember what it is to revere all life.”

“What about all those times you hit me?”

“Let me rephrase that: I have never done anything to outright hurt you that you didn’t deserve.”

“Fair enough.” I finally got out of bed, wrapped a towel around myself, and went to take a shower.

An hour or two later, I was chilling in my room, trying to decide if getting on my laptop would be worth the effort. At that point, I knew whatever was draining me was probably getting worse, because I really wasn’t feeling much of anything.

For better or worse, an insistent knocking at my locked door made me get up. From where the knocks were coming from, I was able to narrow who it was down to three suspects. Sure enough, Kat was standing on the other side. “Yeah?” I sighed when I saw her.

She blinked at my weary tone, but didn’t say anything about it. “I wanted to confirm something you told Spider, just so I know I have it from your mouth. Do you really want me to teach him my combat style?”

“You saw the spiders we fought in the hive. And you saw how they moved around. And you know his capabilities better than I do, at this point. Do you honestly think the spiders would make good upfront fighters?”

She leaned against my doorframe and contemplated for a moment. “Against conventional cat fighting techniques, they would stand a chance. We usually use lighter weapons that have less of a chance of piercing their natural armor. However, against dogs or naga… Or humans, I suppose, no.”

“Their strength lies in stealth, from what I saw. Stealth and maneuverability. That seems right up your alley.”

“Indeed it does. That said, I truly wanted you to teach him something.”

Since I’m not too terrible of a person, I snaked my head out the door to check on something before saying the next thing. “Kat, I’m gonna be clear, since you don’t seem to be getting it. I will tolerate him. I will spend time around him if I have to. I will talk to him civilly. I will treat him like a crew member and I will not discriminate in any way against him. But I don’t want him here, I don’t want to like him, and I don’t want to spend time with him. I want nothing to do with that thing. Stop trying.”

Her eyes narrowed and she pushed back off the doorframe. “He’s a kitten, Nav. I don’t care if you like him or not. I just want you to be nice to him. I don’t want him afraid of overstepping any bounds because he’s terrified of the ship’s leader. Someone his age shouldn’t be stepping on his claw-tips out of fear. And after what was done to him, the only way to help heal his mind is to prove to him that you, the female leader of this ship, will support him and be nice no matter what. I’m not asking you to do things with him for the sake of a spider, Nav. I’m asking you to do them for the sake of a kitten. A tortured soul, just like you. Just like Taya, when you first found her. The only difference between them is that he isn’t cute.”

I sighed and dragged my feet back to my bed so I could fall into it. I really didn’t feel up to telling her she was pretty much right. And I also didn’t really feel up to telling her that I didn’t care that she was right, since I had no interest in spending time with that thing. “I can’t teach him fighting, because I’m still learning and I doubt my style would help him. I can’t teach him to read, because I could only teach Taya since she later told me she was already learning before she was orphaned. Patience is a virtue that I lack.”

“Something creative would be better than something deadly anyway. He’s already doing well enough with reading. What about something artsy? Or music-related? I know you were painting back in Canterlot.”

“I wasn’t. Flo was, through my body. Same for playing the piano. And we don’t have any art supplies on board, since I figured the paint fumes would fuck with everyone in these tight quarters. I have basically fuck-all creative skills.”

Since my life is suffering, the actual Flo slithered in under Kat and regained her form next to me. “After my discussion with Celestia, I made arrangements to have a keyboard brought onto the ship,” she said. “I know we have speakers, but I assumed hearing more personal music would raise morale, were it ever needed.”

“Well there you go,” Kat said with a smirk toward me. “If she can play the piano through you, she can teach him to play it through you. You don’t have to actually deal with him and he still thinks he’s dealing with you, so it’s a win-win.”

That did leave a question, though. “Flo, how did you get a keyboard up here? Did you actually go to a shop and buy one?”

“I asked one of your soldiers to do it while we were waiting for Twilight. I temporarily put myself in him and told him what to get, using bits I knew you wouldn’t care about losing.”

“Alright, whatevs. I’ll agree to it on the condition that Flo deals with him through me. I already have more stupid bullshit to deal with than I’d like. And it ain’t startin’ today. I don’t even feel like talking, let alone being shunted into the back of my own body.”

“That’s acceptable,” Kat said. “If you feel sick, do you want me to go get Zecora?”

“Nah. It’s more of a spiritual thing than a physical one.”

“Then what you need is a friend.”

“No, what I need is a bullet to the back of the head. But that isn’t going to happen, so I’ll make due with nothing instead. Get the door before you go.”

“You were there for me when I was injured,” she said, taking a step inside.

“You wanted me there when you were injured. At the moment, I’m content being by myself.”

Her whiskers twitched a few times before she looked over to Flo. “You see into his mind, water. Do I have your blessing here?”

“I will be by his side, Kat. He will not rid himself so easily of all company. Leave.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Alright. I’ll see if you’re feeling any better tomorrow, Nav. I have a feeling we’ll all get busy when we get to Africa, so I’d like you to start helping him soon.”

“See you whenever,” I said, lying the rest of the way back down. It’s amazing how quiet cat feet are; I barely heard her leaving.

As soon as she was gone, Flo immediately swooped over my body, staring down at me. “This depression is worsening,” she said.

“I know. I have a feeling Celestia already did a magical diagnostic check on me, so I doubt Chrysalis did something like that. Can I even get sick?”

“Perhaps. There are places in your body I cannot normally go. Remain still.” Without giving me time to ask anything, she lost her form and fell on top of me. Just like that, she fully absorbed into whatever orifice she could find. As usual, it felt pretty fucking weird and not even a little sexy, despite where a good chunk of her ended up.

She told me not to move, but I took that to mean I could still talk. “So why can’t you normally just go wherever you’re needed in my body?”

“Because I exist primarily in your blood. Even though your internal body is very morphed, your blood still doesn’t go absolutely everywhere. And I found the issue. You’re being eaten from the inside by fungus.”

That should have been alarming, but I couldn’t really muster too much of a response. “Well that sucks.”

“Indeed. If I had to guess, that mushroom madremonte you found got spores in you somehow. Possibly while she was flying away, though you did try to avoid breathing it in. I doubt this would do anything to a normal human, but you are… different. I’m honestly curious about how you aren’t in pain.”

“Don’t jinx it. Just get them out of me.”

“I want you to speak to Zecora, first. I believe I can get them out without damaging anything else, but honestly, your body is so strange that my attempts might damage you. It’ll be damage I can repair, of course, but now that we know these things are here, I’d rather minimize what you go through so it’ll be fixed faster. I also don’t know if these are spores that can be spread by you to someone else, which is an extremely important concern. We need to find some way to test that before they’re killed.”

“Fair points. Any idea why they’re making me even more depressed than usual?”

“A few thoughts come to mind. I know they’re in your brain, but they aren’t actually eating it away. I believe they’re doing something to change it. The mushroom lady did say she could turn people into slaves, so it’s possible that’s what it’s trying to do. I already killed the spores up there, so that issue shouldn’t get worse.”

“Alright. Think going to Zecora can wait? I really don’t feel like it.”

“If I didn’t think you were joking, I might smack you.” I was already getting up when she said that, so I wasn’t all that worried.

“If you can influence my brain enough to make me forget something, why weren’t you able to tell I was infected with this shit?”

“That is a very good question. I’ll keep more of an eye out from now on. It wasn’t something I expected.”

The ship isn’t the largest place in the world, so I got to Zecora’s room relatively quickly. She and Nightshade were working on a potion, with the bat pony crushing something in a mortar and Zecora heating something over an alembic. “Ladies,” I quietly said, practically falling against the doorframe.

Nightshade looked over and nodded, “Sir.” She didn’t pay me any more mind, probably knowing I was there for Zecora.

The mare herself looked up at me and furrowed her brow in some concern. “You look bloated. Are you unwell?”

A sliver of Flo shot out of my mouth, meaning I couldn’t talk if I wanted to. “That is my fault,” she said. “I am in his body at the moment. We need a poison that will kill fungus. We also need you to check and see if it’s contagious.”

Zecora turned back long enough to lower the heat before hopping up and walking to her dresser. “I assume some manner of fungus infected Navarone. I will need details.” She grabbed what she was looking for and turned back to me, holding up a corked glass jar. “I will also need you to breathe out into this.”

Flo retreated back into my body as Zecora handed me the jar. I popped it open, took a deep breath, then pushed it all into the jar before recorking it. Zecora took it back and walked over to a small potion station she had set up.

While she started doing stuff to it, I said, “When I was in the hive, I ran into what Celestia called a mushroom madremonte.” That gave Zecora pause, making her look up for a few seconds before going back to what she was doing. “I assume she somehow put spores in me by accident. Or on purpose. I don’t know, she was a walking, talking mushroom. Shit was weird.”

“Hm. If she could infect you, she could infect others.”

“Others aren’t my problem,” I said. “Unless they happen to be on this ship. That’s why I need to know if I’m contagious.”

“There are two tests I have in mind,” she said. “The first is short-term.” She set several chemicals on her station. Two of them got mixed into a third flask, which she then hung above a burner. After it had a few seconds to heat up, she took my breath, uncorked it, then held it over the flask with the opening down, so the chemical vapors spread up. She held it like that for thirty seconds with no obvious effect. “And the short-term test passed. Excellent.” She set aside my jar and grabbed the one that was heated up, then held it up for me. “Drink this.”

I walked over and took it. “I assume it tastes bad?”

“Very likely.”

Bottoms up. I downed the uncomfortably vile substance in one shot, then shivered up a storm.

When I looked back over, Zecora and Nightshade were both giggling like crazy. “What?”

“I can’t believe he did it!” Nightshade said between giggles.

“...What did I just do?” I slowly asked. By way of answer, Zecora grabbed a small mirror and held it up for me. My entire body was slowly turning green and my hair was turning pink. “What the fu… Was that even to kill the fungus?”

Zecora shrugged. “I wanted to see if you would drink anything I gave you, just because I told you to.”

“If the fungus hadn’t eaten my brain to the point where I’m literally incapable of feeling emotions, I would be very pissed right now.”

Zecora and Nightshade both blinked a few times. “It’s… eating you?” Nightshade slowly asked.

“Yes. Flo stopped it in my brain but it’s still working on my body, because she doesn’t want to risk damaging me any more.”

“I did not realize,” Zecora said, instantly dropping her smile. “I assumed it was dormant.” She turned right back around to her workstation. “Nightshade, go to the kitchen and gather cinnamon, oregano, and rosemary. If they have any milk, get five hundred milliliters. I’ll prepare the base.” Nightshade didn’t waste any words and scurried past me. “Navarone, sit.” I took Nightshade’s place, since that was the only open chair. “If you’re wondering, the effects of that potion will fade over time and should be gone entirely in two or three hours.”

A part of me was kinda wondering, but at that point, I was incapable of caring too much.

“You’re probably also wondering why I’m using common household ingredients.”

“Not really. There’s a reason I drank that potion without asking. The reason I brought the people I brought is because I trust them. If you tell me cinnamon rolls will kill fungus, I’ll take your word for it.”

I could barely see a blush on her face as she continued to work at her station. She dropped a small spoonful of green powder into a flask that hung over a flame, along with a decent dash of water. Without the rest of the ingredients, I guess that’s all she could really do, since she turned back to face me right after. “It was unfair of me to take advantage of that trust. Truly, I always wondered why you were so quick to accede to my medical advice.”

“Because you know your shit. If you came to me for advice on how to get a girl off, I’m sure you’d do what I told you.”

Her ears twitched a few times. “Living alone in a forest for several years gave me plenty of practice in that matter. How many days has this fungus been in you and how quickly did it begin debilitating you?”

“Shit, probably been about a week now. It didn’t really start affecting me much until I got back on the ship. That said, I was a lot more active in the hive and might not have noticed it until I got sedentary again. These past few days have just been a grind, though. I didn’t even feel like getting out of bed today.”

“So it’s rapidly progressing. As far as I was able to tell, it’s not contagious. However, I would like to see its effects in a closed environment. Ask your elemental if she can isolate any spores and extract them.”

Flo stuck her head back out of my mouth. “I believe I can, but I’d like to know your plan.”

“I have a few ant farms I keep stored in Fluttershy’s room. I’d like to put spores in one of them and see what it does. Can you safely get them into a jar?”

“Bring me a jar.” Zecora hurried to obey. Soon enough, she was holding up a closed jar for us. “Nav, open it and hold it up for me.” I did so and Flo flowed into it, forming an airtight seal around the top. I could barely see some stuff sliding through her body and then into the jar, where they got expelled. As soon as she pulled away, I slipped the lid down over the jar of weird fungus and tightened it. Flo slid her full body back inside of me.

“Excellent,” Zecora said with a smile, taking the jar from me. “Unfortunately, we can’t test the poison on these. That said, I can guarantee that even if it doesn’t work on the fungus, it won’t actually hurt you. Though it’ll taste absolutely awful.”

“Go fucking figure.”

Flo asked through me, “How do you know of the madremonte, Zecora?”

She finally sat back down in her chair and thought for a few seconds before replying. “There are many tribes in the lands around mine that are very close to nature. There are stories of bipedal nature goddesses that some of those tribes worship and obey with unerring loyalty. They will fanatically defend their territory with every ounce of power they have, but will never leave their borders for anything. I was invited as a guest to one such tribe where I was allowed to meet one of those nature goddesses, who told me what she really was and asked if my tribe would like to host one of her sisters. I declined the offer and was sent on my way.”

“How likely are we to run into one of their territories?” Flo asked.

“Unlikely, but possible. There is a good chance that if we do pass through their territory, we’ll be left alone unless we try to disembark. Attacking every traveler that passes through your domain, especially if your domain contains a major river, very quickly makes you many enemies. They defend their territory against aggressors. As long as travelers stay away from their sacred groves, they will usually be allowed to pass through.”

That made me grin. “Sounds to me like we want to run into them. I’d rather pass through indifferent borders than aggressive ones. And friendly ones might just slow us down.”

“There is some wisdom in that thought,” Zecora said with a nod. “However, it is also wise to have friends in many places, both high and low. Assisting the villages we pass by if they ask us for help would not be unwise, especially given our return trip, when we might be low on supplies.”

Nightshade’s return put a lid on that discussion. Zecora was right, but I still didn’t want to get slowed down helping every savage we ran into. The bat mare passed the ingredients over one by one and Zecora quickly added them to the brew.

“What kind of poison is this?” Nightshade asked after the milk had been added.

“A fungicide,” Zecora said. “Usually, I’d prefer the oil of oregano and rosemary, but in a pinch, their leaves will hopefully do the trick. All of those ingredients can kill fungus, as can the kelp I put in the original mixture. With luck, they’ll be able to kill the one currently residing in our human. If not… we will use a considerably more lethal poison.”

“Lethal to him?” Nightshade slowly asked.

“Lethal to anything. We shall allow it to kill the fungus and then give him an antidote before it begins shutting his body down.”

“Wouldn’t matter,” I said. “I’m pretty immune to poison. I could probably drink all the weird chemicals you have and come out fine.”

“...I would like a sample of your blood when you are cured,” Zecora slowly said. “I remember your body fighting the bites of the timberwolves, and I would like to see if I could use it to make a cure-all of sorts.”

“Knock yourself out,” I sighed, leaning further back into my chair. “The only use it’s gotten recently is filling up a vampire, so you might as well…”

They both slowly turned to look at me. “A vampony, sir?” Nightshade asked, taking a small step closer.

“I ran into some weird shit in that underground bunker,” Flo said through me, covering my tracks. It wasn’t technically a lie, after all, even if it wasn’t what they thought it meant.

“I have faced a single bloodsucker,” Zecora quietly said, turning back to her potion. “It was an unpleasant scene.” She finally turned the burner off and used tongs to pass me the bubbling concoction. “This one will be truly vile. My apologies.”

“It’s also boiling hot,” I said. “I’m not drinking that.”

Flo saved me from that awful fate. She shot her body back out of my mouth and then into the flask, absorbing all the white fluid into herself. When she was fully saturated, she oozed back into my mouth, meaning I didn’t taste it or feel the burn.

In my mouth and throat, at least. As soon as the mixture got into my main body, I felt a sharp pain as Flo let it go.

“Nightshade, hold onto his hand. If you feel his skin start bubbling, immediately dose him with hemlock, concentrated apple seed paste, and your namesake. I shall be back as soon as I place these spores in an ant farm.”

“Of course, Zecora,” Nightshade said, grabbing onto me.

“Don’t tell Fluttershy,” I quickly added. “This room already feels crowded. Having her in here trying to baby me would be awful.”

“I want you to get better, not get nursed,” Zecora said before leaving.

“So what’s in apple seeds?” I asked.

“Cyanide,” Nightshade answered. “A few of them won’t hurt anyone. A lot of them, though…”

“Huh. Can’t you build up an immunity to poisons?”

“Yes you can, though it’s dangerous and rarely worth it. Though if what you said about your blood is true, it shouldn’t matter.”

“I’m just curious about the Apple family. Usually when they eat apples, they eat them whole. And they go through bushels at a time. I’m just wondering if they might be immune to cyanide.”

“Maybe, but unlikely.” She started gently stroking my hand. “I’ve never really thought about it before, but I don’t think I’ve seen another single smooth, soft sapient race. Naga and dragons are both scaley and hard.”

“I don’t guess there are a lot of us. It seems a lot of people like exotic things, too.”

She stopped stroking me and went back to just holding my hand. “With us around, you will never need to worry about unwanted attention again. Some of us have been in… similar situations, in places that rarely see ponies.”

“Having people watching my back is relieving. I just hope that none of you forget that I’m able to help you as well.”

“Giving us a purpose again did more for the ponies in this squad than anything else you could have, sir. When we got reassigned to Luna’s night guard, we were pulled back to Canterlot and kept on guard duty while she tried to reintegrate. Several of us were already thinking about quitting when things started getting bad.”

“...Are your old missions classified, Nightshade?”

“Some. We have done evil things in the name of Equestria, sir. We’ve also helped save it more than once. But I’m one of the newer members of the squad. The mare I replaced got sent deep undercover in Ponyville, to watch over and protect the Elements of Harmony. And you, back when you were more of an unknown. I was only with Watcher for two years before we were reassigned to Canterlot. If you want details on our missions, you’d be better off asking one of the older members. Just not Sentinel or Watcher.”

“That might be worth doing. It’s gonna be a long trip and I’ve been curious about the history of the people I have with me. Zecora’s the only other one on the ship with a history interesting enough to learn.”

“She is a very fascinating mare,” Nightshade confirmed with a nod. “One that is very friendly but doesn’t seem to ever open up.”

“She’s better about it now that she doesn’t have to rhyme anymore. I imagine being forced to talk like that for so long would make anyone prefer silence.”

“Which was the goal,” Zecora said, stepping back into the room. “Are your insides healing, Navarone?”

Flo stuck part of herself back out and said, “The fungus is dying. I should be able to break it down after it’s dead and heal the damage it did. I just didn’t want to take the risk while it was still alive.”

“Wise. I would advise you to ask your sisters to check the rest of the crew, if such a thing is possible. I do not believe it was spread through breathing, but I noticed an immediate reaction with the ants when I introduced the spores to them. Regardless, Navarone should remain here until all the fungus is dead. Should they adapt to combat the poison, we will need to know immediately. Nightshade, continue holding his hand.”

In addition to holding my hand, Nightshade also gently poked my belly, making it squirm and wobble. “Is that what having an elemental inside you does?” she asked.

“I never noticed before, but apparently,” I said. “I can’t even feel her, but I do feel that my clothes are tighter than usual.” Does this Flo make me look fat?

“No, but I do make your ass look big,” she answered in my head. She pushed back out of my mouth to answer Nightshade with, “We aren’t small. I can’t just fully absorb into his body without being noticeable. I could change my placement around to make it less obvious, but I saw no need.”

“So you could control his appearance, essentially?”

“In a way. That said, it’s not good for his skin and could likely leave stretch marks were I to stay in it for too long. Assuming, of course, I didn’t take measures to avoid such a thing. I could make Nav a very sexy woman, if I wanted to.”

I bit down, making her retreat back into my throat. “Thankfully, she doesn’t want to,” I said. “And there’s no one here that might be interested in such a thing.”

“I’m happily straight,” Nightshade confirmed with a nod. Zecora just rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face.

“So you want to go ahead and get a blood sample?” I asked, doing my best to change the subject from what the cruel and mean Flo could do to me.

“I doubt the fungus is in your arm, so yes,” Zecora said. “Would you prefer a needle or a gentle dagger prick?”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as it’s not a cursed dagger, at least.”

“I have that hidden away, though I imagine it would be ideal for extracting blood.” She pulled out a wicked curved dagger and an obsidian bowl. “If you do not mind, I would like to perform a ritual with the blood before experimenting on it. There will be no effect on you.”

“What will you do with it?” I asked as she set the bowl next to the mortar Nightshade had been using.

“A small magical test to see who blessed you. I have been curious for some time, since you are a Pathfinder.”

“...A what?”

“One that the dryads of the Everfree allow to explore freely. Were you interested, you could have made a pact with them to open safe paths through the forest.”

I was silent for several long seconds before I shook my head and said, “This world is fucking weird, man.”

“To an outsider looking in, perhaps.” She took my arm and placed it on top of her blood bowl. “This will sting.” She placed a towel over my arm then reached under it to gently slice my arm, making me flinch very slightly. Nightshade actually gripped my hand. “Did the dryads not make you the offer?”

“I didn’t even know dryads existed here. They never appeared to me.”

“...Then perhaps I was mistaken.”

“From my understanding, animals don’t see me as another animal. They see me as more of a tree, I guess. They’ll attack those around me but won’t even look at me twice. I always figured that was my case.”

“We shall see. If it is blessed, I will be able to tell you which dryad was responsible, and where in the forest you may find her to ask. If not, I would like to go with you into the forest to ask the dryads just what they think you are.”

“Why are you just now mentioning this?” I asked. “Why not, you know, when I was asking you shit about the Everfree when we were in Equestria?”

“Because you were reporting to the princesses and the dryads asked me not to give them away. Now I know where you stand.” She gently pressed the towel against the cut and pulled the bowl away. “And I have begun to… open up, now that I am no longer cursed. Something else you told me helped.”

“No clue what it was, but that’s good.”

“When you asked when I would tell you about my home, you said something that made me realize why I withheld some information. It made me feel a kind of power in what was otherwise a mostly powerless life. But that is not fair to friends and companions. And you helped empower me again, so I no longer feel the need to hold back information I once guarded as sacred.”

“Neat. What’s your favorite fetish?”

“Being spanked. Now remain silent. I am about to perform the ritual.” She set the bowl on the floor and encircled it with her own body. After a few seconds, she started whispering to it. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but it made my ears itch. After nearly a minute, she stopped whispering and just waited. When nothing happened after another minute, she stood. “It seems your blood was not blessed. That makes me all the more curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” I said, slightly shifting the arm she cut.

“But satisfaction brought it back. I may want more of your blood in the future. For now, this is enough. Is the fungus still dying?”

Flo pushed back out and said, “Yes. I’ve begun breaking down the dead fungus and using its materials to fix the damage. I’ll need more protein to fix the brain damage, though.” Not caring about stuff is okay I guess. Flo slapped the back of my head and said aloud, “Spike can cook something meaty. Or Nav himself can, once the fungus dies off.”

I ain’t going anywhere but my own room until I’m not green and pink anymore.

“He isn’t going anywhere looking like that,” Nightshade said. “Zecora, can I stop holding his hand yet?”

“Yes. Find the dragon and ask him to cook something, but don’t say why, just that Nav needs it. While he cooks, bring one of the water elementals here. Having them inspect the crew sooner rather than later would be wise.”

“Alrighty. That shouldn’t take long. Nav, if you make her use a new poison while I’m gone, I’ll be very upset.”

“I’ll miss you too, Nighty.” She sniffed at me and walked out. When the door closed behind her, I relaxed back into the seat. “So Celestia asked me to do something interesting while we’re in Africa.”

“Does she want you to scout out more of my people for her to subjugate?”

“She wants me to capture Pertz and bring him to justice.” She stopped fiddling with my blood and looked over to me, surprise etched across her face. “Turns out Celestia didn’t know he was pretending to be a god. If your testimonial is true and we find him pulling the same shit when we get there, he’s destined to one of Chrysalis’s hives to be used as food.”

“...I see. And how did you reply to the princess?”

“I told her that I’ll let you decide what to do with him, but that really only narrows it down to two choices. If you want him to die, we’ll kill him. But if you want him to live, he’s coming back to Equestria with us where, if he’s lucky, he’ll get a trial before being sentenced to changeling food.”

“Thank you for telling me this, Nav. I do not want to hurt him, and knowing he will be punished for his deeds will be comforting.”

“I don’t like people abusing their power. I might hurt him a little.” Or maybe a lot. “But if it’s at all reasonably possible, I’ll keep him alive.”

“If you bring him pain, I can bring him healing. Between the two of us… Well, he might find himself surprised what he can live through. I certainly feel no need to work years of pent up rage and anger out on him. But if someone were to do it in my stead…”

There wasn’t much I could say to that, so thankfully a water elemental entering cut off a need for words. “You need assistance?” the elemental asked, staring at me. It wasn’t one I recognized offhand. It didn’t even comment on my new look.

Flo stuck herself out of my mouth so she could talk. “Navarone was infected by a fungus while in the changeling hive. We aren’t positive if it’s contagious or not, so it might be best if we checked the crew.”

In response, the elemental dove at Zecora and quickly entered the extremely surprised mare. A few seconds later, she oozed out. “This one is clear. I will inform my sisters and we will scour the ship.”

Before she could leave, I said, “The ponies, especially the soldiers, won’t like it. If they start getting uppity, send Watcher to me. Same for the naga.”

“Very well.” She finally left.

So which one was that?

“Carl. She doesn’t talk much.”

So you know I gotta ask—

“Don’t.”

What’s the deal with airline food? She smacked me again and we went back to waiting for Zecora to unquarantine me.

That night, I was back to being apathetic because of extreme and untreated depression instead of fungus eating me. I was also no longer green and pink, with only Watcher having seen me in that state. None of the crew were infected with mushrooms, thankfully.

When I fell asleep, things were actually kinda starting to look up. The best part is that Flo didn’t even want to keep creepily cuddling me.

Instead, she just watched me sleep.

When the darkness claimed me, I found myself in the normal glade, with a strange addition: a few mushrooms poking out of the grass here and there. “I thought it was fitting,” Flo said. “I did use their resources to rebuild the damage they did to you, after all. So you’re part weird mushroom lady now.”

“Joy of joys. You think Twilight’s asleep yet? I’m looking forward to teaching her how to make wet dreams.”

“You really like torturing Rainbow Dash too much.”

“Hey, I didn’t say I was going to target her…”

“You were thinking it. Give me a moment and I’ll go talk to Twilight. If she isn’t asleep now, she will likely be shortly. But do note that dream time is very different than normal time. You could probably police a few dreams in the time it will take.”

“Might as well.” I had gotten pretty good at escaping dreams, so with just a thought, I was back in the open dreamscape. There were a few specks of light around me, but none that obviously needed attention. After thinking about a few people in Ponyville, I quickly found myself among a few more dots. Then after realizing I always defaulted there, I thought about a few of the Crystal Ponies and found myself up north. Shiny was already asleep, but Cadance wasn’t there.

There were plenty of nightmares there, though. That made sense, given the whole Sombra enslavement thing. That in mind, I resolved to visit them again and got to work.

It didn’t take Twilight too long to fall asleep. Magic and/or an elemental in your head makes it easy. Knocking first was probably polite, but she wouldn’t know what to look for anyway. I just eased myself in and immediately found myself in a wet dream of a more literal sense.

“So this is a normal water elemental’s realm?” I asked as I walked to the center of the swamp-like spring.

“I’m normal,” Flo petulantly answered, materializing next to me.

Aqua snorted. “From a different perspective, sister. It is rude to question the home in which you find yourself a guest, but now that you are in my home, I can freely offer to help you redecorate.”

Flo flipped Aqua off and turned her nose up.

“So anyway, where’s Twilight?” I asked. Aqua pointed to our right, where the purple mare was relaxing in the cool waters, a small smile on her face. Her eyes were closed and her ears were under the water, so she probably didn’t realize we were there.

Since she looked so peaceful, I teleported over and blew a massive raspberry on her stomach, making her jolt back and get water all up her nose. When her legs started flailing around, I jumped back and just watched.

It took her several long seconds to recover and she was still sputtering when she finally looked up to glare at me. When I booped her on the nose, she launched herself at me. I opened a portal to Aqua in front of myself and sent Twilight colliding into her elemental, which then necessitated another few long seconds as she recovered from that.

This time when I booped her, she just glared as hard as she could.

“So are you ready to begin learning?” I asked.

“Can I glare at you for another minute?”

“Knock yourself out. But I’ll help you smile instead. Just yell bubbles as loudly and angrily as you can.”

She blinked a few times, then tried it. Sure enough, she sounded happy on the second syllable and couldn’t hide a smile.

“There. Feel better?” I asked.

“You’re awful. So how do we begin?”

“First, let me tell you what to expect. When you break out of this dream, you’re going to find yourself in what Luna called the dream anteroom. It houses the subconsciouses of all ponies when they sleep. And all other races, now. When you get there, close your eyes and don’t move. The entire place is very disorienting for a beginner and I want to be able to show you things at my own pace. Even taking a single step could get you lost.” She opened her mouth, so I said, “Getting lost isn’t dangerous. It just means I have to find you.” Her mouth closed. “I’ll explain everything else when we get there, including letting you meet artificial humans.”

“Artificial humans?” she asked, tilting her head.

“This machine was built by humans. They added admin commands that allow you more control over dreams. You’ll understand when I show you. For now, the hardest part. With Flo’s help, I was able to do it instantly. But under my own power, it took me months to figure out how to do it instantly. I’ll leave it up to you whether you want to let Aqua do it or learn it the hard way.”

“What exactly do I need to do?”

Long story short, it took what felt like three hours for her to break out. When she did, I quickly joined her in the anteroom and set my hand on her back.

“When I open my eyes, what will I see?” she asked.

“Mostly darkness, with a few motes of light. Each of those lights represents a dream. Distances here can be deceiving, in some ways. That’s why I asked you to keep your eyes closed. From what I can tell, geographical location determines where in the anteroom you’ll find someone’s dreams. But looking around can be extremely disorienting. Let’s see…” I thought about Rarity and my head turned that way. “Think about Rarity.”

Her head slowly turned and she gasped. “I can feel something!”

“That’s her dream. Open your eyes, but don’t take a step.” She did so and beheld Rarity’s golden dream. “Different color dreams mean different things. Yellow is a happy dream. White is typical. Red is sensual. Black is nightmare. Blue is sad. I’ve seen green, but I never really could figure out the theme for that one.”

“What about the shape?”

“Not quite sure about that one. My theory is the soul, but Luna wasn’t sure either. Now, the next thing we’ll cover is movement. It’s very different. You can cover leagues with a single step, essentially teleporting from dream to dream. While still thinking about Rarity, take a step.” She did so and shot forward. I joined her in front of Rarity’s dream, the gold shape quickly becoming like a gold boulder.

“Oh my…” She finally decided to take a look around her and shivered slightly as all the specks shot around her vision. “This place is… amazing.”

“Yeah. Tonight, we can go two ways with the training. We can either go over the basics of entering dreams or we can try to figure out more of the human admin commands. I want you to get plenty of regular sleep, so we’ll only be doing one for tonight.”

“Well… I can get here whenever I want, now. But you won’t always be here to teach me about dreams. I’d like to go ahead and learn about those.”

“Alright. The first thing to learn is looking into dreams. Very gently put your hoof against the yellow smoke.” She did so, letting it rest on the surface. “Now pretend like you’re pushing bubbles aside.”

“So weird,” she whispered, opening a small hole in Rarity’s dream. “Can I just look in?”

“Yeah.” I joined her and together, we peered inside. Rarity was in the back room of a fashion show starring just Rainbow Dash and Applejack, who were dolled up in some very pretty dresses and smiling up a storm. Twilight pulled away, giggling. “You’ll see a lot of weird stuff in dreams, Twilight. I’ll warn you right now that entering or even looking in the dreams of friends can be a very big mistake. Dreams can show you the darkest thoughts a friend has had, even if it’s not something they really believe. Some of it hurts.”

“I… never really thought of that,” she quietly said, letting the hole close. “Nav, have you… have you seen anything like that?”

“Yes. A lot of it. And so has Luna. It doesn’t hurt as much when it’s coming from people you don’t know. But now… I try to stay away from Fluttershy and Applejack’s dreams. And Pinkie’s, but I did that anyway. I suggest finding a different dream for a few reasons. One, this one isn’t large enough. The only place for us to hide is in the crowd, and we can’t really do much there. Two, Rarity’s really insecure. If we accidentally mess something up in there, shit can go downhill quickly and you aren’t ready for dealing with a nightmare yet.”

“So where should we go?”

“I have an idea,” Flo said to me. “Celestia.”

Not a bad one. “Take my hand.” I offered it and she immediately grabbed it. Just like that, we sailed across the land of dreams, stopping in front of the white dream of the great horse queen. “What do you feel when you look at this one?” I asked.

Twilight let go of my hand and stared at it for a few seconds. “...Princess Celestia?”

“Yep. Here’s another lesson: Dealing with the dreams of people like us. Well, sort of like us. I don’t think she can actually dreamwalk, but her dreams are warded and she’s very powerful in there. We can’t even see what she’s dreaming without being inside. It’s better to ask permission, like this.” I traced, ‘Celestia, you mind if we come in? - Nav and Twiley’ on there.

“Can we do that for any dream?” she asked.

“Yes. But most people don’t know enough to even look for them, let alone how to reply.”

“How do you reply?”

“The words the outside person writes will appear in the sky. Just make clouds that spell what you want to say. Like she’s doing now.”

‘Not tonight. This dream is not to be ruined.’

“Fair enough. Let’s see… Cadance, maybe?” Twilight’s head turned toward Cadance. “We can try. Take the step.” She shot off and I joined her in front of the white dream. “Cadance’s dreams aren’t warded. But she does have the problem of being your old babysitter, so you might see some stuff you don’t want to.”

“I’m probably gonna see it eventually, Nav. Either with you or without. At the moment, dreams are too interesting not to study!”

“Then let’s take a look inside.” We both peeled away the smoke and saw a large game field. Shining Armor was the star player, running with a handegg. Or I guess hoofball, if you want to be particular. Cadance was one of the cheerleaders. “Alright, we can work with this. Her memory about this must be pretty clear, since we can see so far.”

“This is pretty normal, Nav,” Twilight said. “Are human dreams usually less clear?”

“You could say that. If I ever dreamed anymore, I’d invite you in one day. Well, if I ever dreamed and I wanted you to suffer, anyway. Alright, the main thing you need to know when you get into this dream is that you’re going to immediately be fighting against Cadance’s will. You aren’t part of the dream, so breaking away will be easier. But if you lose, you’ll become part of it and be stuck here until she wakes up, even if the dream turns into a nightmare.” She opened her mouth, so I continued, “If you die in a dream, you get knocked back into the anteroom. Same if she wakes up.” Her mouth closed. “But that won’t be an issue. If you start losing, Aqua can jolt you back. Basically, when you go in there, remember who you really are. Remember why you’re there. Remember that the anteroom exists and that you’re in a dream. Ready?”

“I… think so. What will she do to me if I lose?”

“Like I said, you become part of the dream. Basically, you become whatever she wants you to be. Since that’s teenage Cadance, you’d likely end up as a filly in the stands, cheering on your big brother. As an interesting aside, if you do completely lose yourself, you remember what happened when you get out. I’ve ridden through a dream like that once just to find out.”

“What happened?”

“Strangely enough, I got married to Rainbow Dash. Not really sure how it happened, because that was back when I was still a guy. Anyway, see the empty soccer field in the back?”

“Yeah.”

“Look at that and pull yourself inside.” She took a deep breath and entered her first dream. I jumped in behind her and then waited, staring at the very confused-looking purple filly in front of me.

After several long seconds, she quickly grew into the dorky purple pony we all know and… Well, that we all know. “That was weird,” she whispered.

“It gets easier to fight back over time. It’s harder when you’re already a part of the dream. You take over your dream representation’s body and have to fight out of whatever role you were taking. Anyway, we’re in a dream now. Look at the sky.”

She looked up and quickly noticed the white holes that were filling in. “That’s where we came in?”

“Yeah. The color shows what kind of dream it is. If we were to go over to Cadance right now and start messing up her cheerleading routine, it would probably go black. If we start making out in front of her, it might go red and shit would get weird.”

“Weird how?”

“I lived with her for a while. That mare has some weird fucking fetishes. You don’t even know. But anyway, the point is that the sky is the indicator of how the dream is going. If it starts changing, everything else will start changing around you to match.”

“What about us? Can they change us, too?”

“Not usually. Or at least, not mentally. They can take a sword to you, though. Or accidentally summon something that will. But once you win the initial battle, they can’t mentally change you.”

“Hm. But I can change the dream however I want?”

“Not quite. You can do just about anything here, including changing your body.” To show that, I became her but kept my voice. “You can’t directly change the type of dream. It can be very easy to indirectly change the type of dream, though. I’ve accidentally changed something from a wet dream to a nightmare to a good dream to a nightmare again in seconds, just by changing a few things about myself and the world. And of course, it can be hard to predict what exactly will happen when you change something in a dream. Killing the monster in a dream doesn’t always fix the nightmare, for example.”

“Interesting… So how do I do anything like that?”

“Just believe you are something else and you will be. We’ll start simple. Give yourself wings. Actual pegasus wings, not butterfly ones.”

“...Simple. Right.” She closed her eyes. “Me, an alicorn…”

“It’s easy, Twilight,” I said. “Open your eyes.” She did so and beheld me in her body with pretty purple wings spread out. “It’s not something you need to imagine. It’s just something you need to take as fact. When you stretch some muscles in your back, wings will spread out behind you.

“Hm…” She took a deep breath and stood up on her tip-hooves, then slowly eased down. As she did, wings grew from her back and spread out. “I did it!”

“Sure did. It’s just like lucid dreaming. And as an interesting note, you don’t even need wings to fly.” I made my set disappear and then started floating.

“...I can do this in my own dreams, can’t I?” she asked.

“Sure can, if you’re lucid enough. At Luna’s dream ball, she had an area set out with all the outfits you could want, letting the people there try on anything they wanted. She also had a way to try on different bodies, so you could look however you want. And there was a place you could travel the world, seeing all the sights.”

“Amazing.”

“I don’t think we can do the world travelling thing ourselves. I’m not really sure how she did that one. I’ve tried to replicate it, but I can only get to places I’ve been before. Anyway, that’s really it, in terms of what you can actually do. We can walk over to Cadance if you want and fiddle with the dream, but I don’t really want to start messing with dreamers until you can get out easily, or until we get a dreamer a bit more lucid.”

“Why not? If we make it a nightmare, you can protect me and then we can run off to hide again until I can get out.”

“Alright, we can do that. But a word of warning: If she wakes up, we can get thrown from the dream. If there’s another dream nearby, it’s very possible to end up thrown right into it before we can correct ourselves. And we know Shiny’s sleeping next to her, so we could end up in his.”

“That wouldn’t be so bad. Did you get a look at his dream?”

“Yeah. Red. Don’t wake her up. His fetishes are worse.” She hung her head and sighed very deeply. “Alright, how do you want to handle this?”

And that jerked her head right back up. “What?! Why do I have to decide?”

“This is training. When you go into a dream, you usually want to be discreet. After all, how do you feel knowing I was in your personal thoughts and playing with your mind?”

“...Okay, yeah. So, discreet.” She looked over the playing field again, taking in the crowd and the players. “Can we make a white dream a yellow dream?”

“Oh yeah. All it takes is a catalyst.”

“Can I change your body however I need it?”

“No. Or at least, not without a whole lot of effort.”

“Alright. How about this, then? I go up to the announcer’s box and announce a big enemy player joining the game. Then you show up as that player and let Shiny beat you. After I make the announcement, I become a cheerleader on the other side and lead a routine that Cadance can beat.”

“Subtle. Can I bang you under the bleachers afterward?”

“Only winning hoofball players get to buck the cheerleaders, Nav. That said, I bet we can do all kinds of… things here, can’t we?”

“Yeah. I’d advise against doing it in someone else’s dream, though. Quick word of warning: An orgasm here means an orgasm in real life. So be ready to wake up to a wet bed.”

“Noted. Are you ready to make Cadance’s dreams?”

I morphed from Twilight into a large black stallion, then gave myself a uniform of Shiny’s opposing team. After a thought or two, I also changed my voice. “What do you think?” I asked.

She took a moment to walk around me, looking at everything. “Can you do diamond dog instead? I remember seeing one playing for an enemy team when Cadance dragged me to a game.”

“Even better.” I changed again, this time looking like a big and muscular dog. The ones in the mine I slaughtered all had diseased eyes that looked really fucking creepy, so I matched those and then snarled.

“Dear Celestia… It’s perfect.” Since she approved, I gave myself the appropriate uniform. “Alright Nav, don’t make it obvious, but definitely lose. If you can, try to make it climactic. Cadance always liked stuff like that.”

“Alrighty.” She flinched at my voice. “Yeah, I never was a fan of that either. And as another side note, you probably don’t want to ever fuck one of these. They have large knots.”

“...Okay. Go wait over there. I’ll get in position and call you when it’s time.”

“Sure thing.”

To make a long story short, when we finally got out of that dream, Twilight was wearing a sexy cheerleader outfit under a sky of gold. When we got to the anteroom, she turned to me, beaming. “That was so much fun!”

“And you did really good. I usually just dick around because I’m a bad person, but that was an excellent job.” For some reason, that got her blushing. “Now we have a choice. You should really get some actual sleep, because it’s probably about halfway to morning, if I had to guess. But if you want to keep going to dreams, we can. Or I can show you the human stuff, which shouldn’t take all too long since I don’t know much yet.”

“I don’t really want to go back to my own dreams yet… This is far too interesting and I can just get some magic to keep me awake in the morning. It shouldn’t hurt for a few days, just until I get the hang of it.”

“Shouldn’t hurt you, but I’m still wary from the last time it happened to me.”

“...Understandable. But I do want to keep going.”

“Alright. Let’s start with the weird thing, since it shouldn’t take too long.”

Twilight looked around for a moment before staring at me. “Weird compared to what, exactly?”

“Fair point. Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender.” Three humans appeared in front of me, making Twilight jump. “List active users.”

“Anonymous: Admin. Unknown manual override user: Admin.”

“Give me details about this dream,” I said, pointing at Cadance’s.

“Race: Sub-equine, mark one. Status: Clean. Dreamstate: Rapid eye movement. Computer note: Sub-equine race constantly in rapid eye movement state. Admin note: Anonymous: Taffy pony always dreams about making me fall in love. Remember to make those dreams weird whenever possible.” Twilight giggled.

“Give me details about unknown manual override user.”

“Race: Unknown. Status: Online. Location: One meter due relative north. Programmer note: Why do I have to even program this in? Who the hell is gonna be able to override this damn thing when we’re all dead anyway? And for that matter, why is race even listed here? Admin note: Anonymous: Luna, if you figure out how to listen to this, go fuck yourself.” Twilight snorted.

“Twilight, wait here. Defenders, follow me.”

“Uh. Where are you going?” she asked.

“Across the world, to show you another command. When they show up, say pong Anonymous.”

“Um. Okay?”

I thought about Spike and took a step that way. The defenders followed me. “Ping unknown manual override user.”

Two of them disappeared. The one that remained said, “Ping delivered. Response delivered. Location: Several kilometers due relative north-northwest.”

“Take me to her.” It blinked and I reappeared in front of Twilight. The third defender joined us a moment later.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“A way for two users to find each other quickly. The only issue is that you and Luna have the same admin name, so it’ll be hard figuring out who’s who if she happens to be here at the same time.”

“Huh. Can I try something?”

“Knock yourself out.”

She nodded and looked at one of the robots. “I want to rename the uh… online unknown manual override user.”

“Input new name.”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

All three of them blinked. “Unknown manual override user will be renamed to Twilight Sparkle. Confirm order.”

Twilight nodded and said, “Confirmed.”

“Twilight Sparkle is online.”

Of course, I was smiling. “Good thinking on that one, Twilight. It never occurred to me. Rename Anonymous to Navarone. Confirmed.”

“Navarone is online.”

“Excellent. Twilight, you want to mess around with them any more?”

“Maybe. What does Anonymous mean to a human?”

“I don’t know why they’re calling me that. Maybe it’s a side-effect of not being plugged directly into the machine when I got access. I don’t really know any more commands, but you’re free to play with them all you want now.”

“Can I access them in actual dreams?” she asked.

“Unfortunately, no. Also, two points of interest. First, they aren’t actually intelligent. They’re artificial intelligences that can be given basic tasks and used to get some information. You can ask them questions and they can try to answer, but they won’t be able to hold a conversation. That’s compared to artificial general intelligences, like the elementals, who have actual sapience. Second, if you ever run into one of these things in a dream, run the fuck away. They’re friendly in the anteroom for some reason, but they’re hostile to you and Luna in actual dreams. You can tell they’re there by a red outline around one of the inhabitants as you’re looking in.”

“Why would they be friendly here and hostile there?”

“No clue. I tried asking, but the ones here didn’t know. Luna said they would hound you across the anteroom, other dreams, and even your own dreams if you manage to aggro one. Shit seemed hella fucked up, so I suggest avoiding it.”

“Alright. How common are they?”

“I’ve seen exactly one. Luna’s seen so few that it took her a while to remember they even existed. There are three hundred that are delegated to the dreams of all ponies. So yeah, they’re pretty rare.”

“Huh. Why do they even go into our dreams?”

“To defend against Discord. No idea how successful they are. Or were. Oh, and there’s one more command that I haven’t really tested fully, but kinda want to. These things have a lockdown feature that lets you stop anyone from getting into or out of a dream. But I don’t know if it keeps the dreamer asleep or not.”

“Ooh, that sounds interesting. But also kinda evil, if we use it wrong. Do you want to test it?”

“Not without the permission of whoever we test it on. I have no clue if it would work on one of us, so it would have to be one of our crewmates or something.”

“Alright, I’ll ask my friends tomorrow. Who do you suggest?”

“Rarity or Rainbow Dash. On the off chance we do keep them trapped for a while, their dreams are the easiest to keep gold. Then Fluttershy and Applejack, but I really don’t like going in them. I’ve never even looked into one of Pinkie’s dreams and I’m never going to.”

“It might be better if we both speak to them. You can probably explain better what we’re going to do.”

“Well, for the most part, it’ll be simple. We’ll get their dream golden and then we’ll lock it down. Then we’ll go about our night normally, checking on the dream every now and then to make sure it’s still gold. Then when the night ends, one of us stays and monitors it and the other wakes up to monitor the subject. If they’re still asleep after… Oh, say three hours after their usual time, we can try waking them up manually. If that still doesn’t get it, we’ll remove the lockdown and come to the conclusion that it actually does keep them asleep.”

“Works for me. Who will do what?”

“I’ll wake up and monitor her body. I can get in and out of dreams instantly, so we won’t keep her awake longer than necessary by you being slow at breaking out. It also gives you time to practice that.”

“Okay, sounds like a plan.” She looked at the defenders for a moment before asking, “So now what?”

“I don’t want to put you in a nightmare until you’re better at getting in and out of dreams and keeping your mind when you get into one. Unless Aqua will help with either.”

“She will, but I don’t want to get put into a situation where relying on her is my only chance,” Twilight said. “If you think I’m not ready, I won’t push myself. For now, you’re the boss here.”

That made my eyebrows lift. “You’ve really grown, Twilight. I remember a time when you’d rush through anything to learn more, at whatever risk.”

“Ponies… and people, change, Nav. There was a time I was like that, but my friends helped me learn. You did more than your fair share, of course.”

For some reason, that made me smile. “Then let’s find a simple dream we can play around in.”

“Oooh, can we give one of my old teachers nightmares? That mare was always so mean to me!”

I tousled her hair and we happily went off to play.

Twilight and I were screwing around in dreams until the sun came up. It was a lot of fun and seeing a new, more innocent perspective on dreams made me feel happier than it probably should have. Of course, that didn’t really help me when it came time to wake up. We were there so long that I got no real sleep. Naturally, I woke up feeling like death.

But I decided to give Twilight a few minutes to be awake before I decided to join her in the world of the living, so she quickly got to my room to jolt me with life. It wasn’t a real substitute for sleep, but it sure as hell felt like it.

“We have got to do that again tonight,” Twilight gushed, nearly bouncing in place.

“We’re going to. Remember, we want to test the lockdown thing.”

“Oh yeah! I don’t think Rarity or Rainbow Dash will be awake yet, so we’ll have to find something to do until then. Well, if you’re feeling better.”

“I am. Turns out my brain was being eaten by fungus that I got from an underground madremonte that I found in the hive.”

Her smile slowly disappeared as she took a few seconds to process that. When it clicked, she blinked. “Wait, huh?”

“Madremontes are apparently some weird nature spirits that guard groves of trees. There’s an underground version that guards mushrooms. One was living near the hive and I found it while I was there.”

“I… I actually remember reading about something like that. Was it bipedal with wings like leaves?”

“Yeah. Well, this one released spores when it flew. I happened to breathe some of those spores in I guess and they grew into fungus that started attacking me. Flo didn’t catch it at first because it stayed out of my blood.”

“That’s weird. Is there any way I can study it, or did Flo kill it all?”

“Zecora saved some that she put in an ant farm in Fluttershy’s room. But at the moment, I think you have enough on your plate.”

“Yeah, maybe…” Her horn lit up and a familiar collar appeared. “Do you mind putting this on? It shouldn’t hurt.”

I took the collar we grabbed from Trixie’s realm and held it up. “You sure about this?” I asked.

“Pretty sure. Before you put it on, don’t willingly do anything I tell you to do. Okay?”

“Alright.” I carefully put the thing around my neck and then flinched as it seemed to lock into place.

Twilight nodded once and said, “Stand.” I didn’t even think about it. My body just stood on its own. “Did you do that, or did the collar make you do it?”

“The collar.”

“Excellent! Sit.” I sat back down on the bed. Her horn lit up and a notepad and pen appeared. She took a second to write something on it before showing it to me. ‘Raise your arms.’ Nothing happened, so she said, “Read this.” My eyes scanned over the message again. “Interesting. Alright, read this and follow its directions.” I read it again and then lifted my arms. She floated the pad back around and wrote something else. “Lower your arms, by the way.” I did so as she floated the pad back around. ‘Take off the collar, if you can.’ “These are actually instructions, if it’s something you can do. I think I got the pain response off, but I’m ready to heal you in case I’m wrong.”

Since I’m pretty sure she wanted me to make the attempt, I started fiddling with the clasp. Every time I think I had it, my fingers just went limp and the necklace slid away. “Looks like I can’t. And I’m not in pain, either.”

“Oh wow. I’m really glad I got that one right… Do you mind if I tell you to have an orgasm? I want to see if it can actually access your brain or if you’ll just start… well, doing it manually. That seems better than telling you to feel pain.”

“I need a shower anyway. Go for it.”

She nodded and said, “Have an orgasm.” My body laid back on the bed, I spread my legs, and started reaching for my personal area. Right before I could touch myself, she said, “Stop.” I did, of course. “So it is limited. That’s probably a good thing. Two more things to test. One is something that’s impossible. So uh… What’s something impossible that’s safe for you to test?”

“Uh. Kissing my own elbow, maybe? That’s something I don’t think it’s possible for any human to do.”

“Alright. Kiss your own elbow.” My arm lifted up and my head bent down to try to kiss the elbow. After a few seconds of failing, I stood up and started walking to my sword. Twilight realized what was happening as soon as I put my hand on it and yelled, “Stop!” Thankfully, I did. “Okay, no more impossible orders!”

“Agreed.” I went and sat back on the bed. “What’s last?”

“Take off the collar.” My hands went back to the clasp and this time successfully removed it. “Excellent! I really didn’t know if that one would work or not.”

“Looks like it did,” I said, holding up the necklace. “So who all can give the person wearing this orders?”

“Just me, but I could likely tune it so that anyone could. Or someone else. I really don’t think the world needs magic items like that, though.”

“I agree. I also don’t think these really need to exist, but I have a feeling you aren’t going to start abusing them.”

“Nope. I was thinking about using them for… well, writing our book together, but then I remembered a few of our conversations about the balance of power during things like that. I don’t want to hurt you or risk making you do something you aren’t willing to do, so I’ll probably just put these away.”

“Wise.” I reached over and hung it on her horn. She rolled her eyes and teleported it away. “So what happens if you put it on and try to give yourself orders?”

She lifted a hoof to explain, then froze. After a few seconds, she lowered her hoof and her horn lit back up to teleport the thing to us again. She fitted it around her neck and said, “Sit.” She immediately sat down. “Huh.”

“What if the person wearing it is asleep and you start giving orders?”

“That is… another really good question.”

“And would it work on something naturally magically resistant, like a dragon?”

She nodded. “It would work, but I believe he would be able to try to fight it.” Her horn lit up again and the light moved to the clasp of the necklace. She fiddled with it for a few seconds before furrowing her brow, then grinning. “Take off the necklace.” Just like that, her magic worked and it popped off. “I’m not too worried about testing it on Spike or someone that’s sleeping.”

“Understandable. So now what?”

“Well, I read through a good chunk of the necromancy book yesterday. I’d like to talk to Watcher and get a unicorn assigned to me so I can begin running magical tests today. In a few hours, I’ll take a break and then we can talk to Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Then I’ll go back to necromancy and when I get done for the day, we can start working on the book, then end up in the dream world to test the lockdown function.”

“Works for me. We’ll probably end up in Africa later today, so you won’t be able to do too much magic soon. Just remember that.”

“What about dream things?”

“Pretty sure we can do that. I don’t think it counts as magic.”

She nodded. “Then at night, I can work on dreams. In the day, I can try to run tests and maybe see why magic doesn’t work as well in Africa. You’ll probably need to keep watch on the deck, since we’re going to be so low.”

“Yep. Oh, and unfortunately, I also have to deal with Spider some. But that shouldn’t get in our way much. Kat’s just being a bitch about it, so I need to spend some time with him.”

Twilight smiled. “That’s good, Nav. You may not think it, but he needs support from all of us. Especially you.”

I don’t think it, I know it. I just don’t want to. “Sure I guess. And don’t forget to eat.”

“Of course.” She teleported the necklace away and then moved forward to hug me, rubbing her warm and furry body across my naked one. “Thanks for helping me with the dream magic, Nav. It means a lot.”

I hugged her back, so I could feel more of her around me. “No problem, Twiley. I reckon it’s the least I can do, given how long you put up with me back in the day.”

“Some days were easier than others.” She finally pulled back and poked me on the nose. “But it was worth it. I’ll see you in a little while, Navi.” She teleported away before I could tell her to go fuck herself.

Since she was gone, I fell back into bed. “So you actually can teach, right? I don’t want that spider showing up and then just sitting around for an hour or two.”

“I can. I already have a lesson plan in mind, too. With his extra legs, things will be interesting.”

“Extra legs but no fingers. I imagine that’s a worse handicap.”

“Perhaps. We shall see. If I had a guitar, though, I would prefer to teach him that.”

“Well, we don’t. I’m gonna go take a shower and then poke Taya a few times. I didn’t see her at all yesterday, which is probably unhealthy since she’s my daughter and lives literally next door to me.”

“Probably. But a shower will be unnecessary.”

“Why? I may not have done anything yesterday, but it’s still healthy.”

“This is why.” She slid under my door and then assaulted me with her body, probably cleaning everything that might have been dirty and making me feel pretty uncomfortable, given that she was completely form-fitting. “And now you’re cleaner than you’ve ever been. Well, aside from the last few times I did this.”

“...And yet I still feel so, so dirty. And why are you still around me?”

“Because you know you like it.”

I started liking it a second later when someone opened my door without knocking. That someone turned out to be Spike, who immediately blushed when he saw Flo clinging tightly to my body in a way that did pretty much nothing to hide what was underneath.

Because he had absolutely no right to complain about anything he might see when barging in unannounced, I didn’t bother covering up to stop disturbing him. “I assume there’s a reason you just let yourself in?” I asked.

He took his eyes away from my wet body and gulped. “Y-yes… I thought you were… feeling bad. Twilight said you were awake, so I figured I’d check on you.”

“I’m feeling a lot better, thankfully. Flo’s just trying to prove she’s useful by being a shittier version of a bath.” She immediately shoved a thick wad of water exactly where I didn’t want one while talking to Spike, stopping me from telling him to bugger off and making me blush.

“That’s good. What was wrong?”

“I was… infected by something,” I said, trying to stop from shaking. I knew Flo would start vibrating if I didn’t behave, so I just said, “Zecora helped me.”

“It wasn’t contagious, was it?”

“Nah. That’s why the elementals were checking everyone yesterday.”

“...They didn’t check me.”

“You also incinerated Brook. They probably weren’t in a hurry to risk the same fate. Anyway, I’m kinda completely naked right now and you’re leaving my door open for anyone walking by, so…”

He did the exact opposite of what I wanted and walked further in, then closed the door behind him. “Sorry about that. So I heard we’re gonna be hitting Africa some time tonight. You want to get some practice in? You know, just in case?”

“That… actually wouldn’t be a bad idea. It’s been a while since I had any practice and shit might go south quickly when we get there. Now that said, I do have another point for you to consider: Magic’s messed up in that place, so we’ll be the only two ranged fighters, aside from anyone we put on the ballistas. We’d be better off doing combat shooting drills than we would practicing with swords.”

“...Huh. You’re right, actually.”

“And for that matter, you can breathe fire. So we might be even more better off letting someone else use your crossbow while you torch any motherfuckers that try to board. That way we’ll have three people with some kind of ranged capability, even if yours is only relatively short.”

“Yeah, that’s really smart. But who else would know how to use a crossbow? The naga, maybe?”

“He has one of his own, but he doesn’t use it for combat. I was thinking Kat. She’s small enough and she’s expressed interest in getting one for herself. Teaching her would be smart.”

“What about Gilda, too? She has talons.”

“Not built right and I don’t think she has the patience for shooting. I’m pretty much relegating her to tearing things apart and flying fast. Jak’s gonna be either busy with his golem or on a ballista. Doppel might be able to turn into something, or her changeling magic might not work. And even if it does, I’m not going to ask her to go into combat, because I know she doesn’t have training for it and I don’t think she’s killed anyone.”

“So Kat it is. When are you going to teach her?”

“You are going to go find her and ask her if she wants to learn. If she does, the two of you will start now. And tell her to send Spider my way in… oh, fifteen minutes. I have business with him.”

“...Why do I have to do it?” he asked.

“Because I have shit to do today. You, on the other hand, were bored enough that you came by to see if I wanted to practice. That tells me you probably ain’t got much of shit to do. So I’m giving you something. Now go do it.”

“Can I use your crossbow? Er, gun? Whatever it is.”

“Hell no. Teach her with yours, since that’s what she’ll be using. If she gets proficient enough with it, I’ll see what I can do about making her one of her own.”

“Okay, I guess. But if she starts touching my wings weird again, can I stop?”

“Yes. Alternately, rub her belly and see how she likes it. Either or.”

“...I think I’ll just stop.”

“Whatevs. Then get to it, Spike. The sooner I get started with Spider, the sooner I get finished.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know how Kat does later, I guess.”

When he was finally gone and the door shut behind him, Flo extricated herself from my body. “You’re very warm,” she happily said.

“And you’re very slutty. Go get your stupid keyboard while I get dressed.”

“Only because you’re so cute,” she said, reaching over to pinch my cheek. If I thought smacking her or fighting back would do any good, I might have bothered. Unfortunately, the last time I tried that, she read my mind before I could do it and molested me with watery tentacles.

When that little annoyance left, I hurriedly got dressed and then settled down to wait. I had absolutely no interest in what I was about to do, so I figured I could let Flo handle all of it while I retreated back into dreams to do some more policing.

And sure enough, that’s just what I did. Every few dreams, I’d pop back into my own mind and check on things. Spider was being his usual spidery self and Flo was being her usual annoyingly ~~motherly lovingly~~ joyous self, only now she was using my body to do it and probably confusing the shit out of Spider.

So that was my life for what I guessed was two hours. If there was any justice in the world, I would get two extra hours added to the end of my lifespan to make up for it. But since I figured my life would stop rather suddenly at the end of someone’s sword instead of slowly at the end of an era, I didn’t reckon it mattered too much.

When that creepy little bastard was finally gone, I jumped back into my own body and stretched. “So, thoughts?” I asked.

“He can learn. But I’m sad to say he was a little disturbed at how nice I was.”

“It disturbs me too, sometimes. Did he mention the eye color change?”

“No. I’m not certain he perceives color as we do. And he might also not have ever looked you in the eyes. My primary concern is that he might mention something about our lessons when I am not in control and possibly realize something is off.”

“If necessary, just take control during all my dealings with him. You wouldn’t hear me complain. If that isn’t an option, just act as my cheatsheet. And if that isn’t an option, he can fucking cry about it.”

“I doubt it will be an issue any time soon. He is traumatized and will likely take repeat sessions to get over his fear of you. That said, I believe he might be a very social and curious child once we get past those blocks, so when he is no longer afraid, he might start approaching you more freely. That is when it will become an issue.”

“Maybe I’ll get over my aversion to being a good person by then. Or maybe not. Whatevs. Let’s go check on Taya and see why she hasn’t said anything to me in a while.”

“If she’s upset, do you want me to take over your interactions for her, too?” she sullenly asked.

“...Would you?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought.” I walked next door and knocked on her door. After several seconds, she didn’t answer. “Taya?” Still nothing. After half a minute, I tried the handle. Sure enough, it was locked. I knocked louder and said, “I’m getting my key. I suggest opening this door before I get back.”

“Are you sure she’s even in there?” Flo asked.

“We didn’t get the keys to these doors after we killed the pirates. The only way she could’ve gotten out after locking it is teleporting, and she doesn’t have anything in there to protect. And if she isn’t there, then letting myself in won’t matter anyway. If she’s schlicking, then she can at least say not to come in.” Or cum in, if you know what I mean. I heard the wet slapping sound in my head that I recognized as Flo facepalming. Or maybe her smacking her head against my brain. One or the other.

When I got to where I left my magical artifacts, I noticed that the ring was very horrifyingly and conspicuously absent. It wouldn’t be the first time I left it in a pocket or something, so I didn’t immediately start panicking. Figuring out what Taya was doing took precedent. So I grabbed my key and went back next door.

The door wasn’t open, so I sighed and knocked one last time. “I’m about to come in.” Still nothing. I rolled my eyes, stuck the key in, and opened the door. Sadly enough, I was kinda expecting what I found on the other side. “Alright, so you remember when I said I’d be pissed if I had to come in and untie you because you were doing something stupid to get off?”

Given the tears falling down her face at the moment, I don’t think that was on her mind. Well, the tears and the fact that she was still vibrating. I sighed again and walked over to start untying her. I kinda wanted to remove both the vibrators first, but that might have made her bed even more of a mess. Instead, I untied her legs to get circulation flowing, removed the gag so she could actually get some air (though she was unable to talk), and then pulled the ring off her horn.

It lit up, so I immediately put the ring back on it, making her groan. “Don’t do anything, Taya. You can’t stand after being tied up that long. And you don’t want to take those things out yet, trust me. Just sit tight.” She was finally able to start sobbing, at least. I quickly turned off the toys, bundled her up in her blanket, and then carried her to one of the showers. I’m sure more than a few of the people we passed wondered what exactly was going on, but they knew better than to ask.

When we got there, I set her in the tub, pulled the blanket and ring off, and then turned the water on. “Okay, now you can pull them out. I’m going to go get some water and food.” She hastily yanked the toys out with magic, with exactly the effect I knew it would have, and then curled up so she could cry in the shower.

Before I could leave to get her water, Flo showed up carrying a flask and a plate of leftovers. I grabbed the flask and pulled Taya’s head away from the floorboard, then lifted the flask up to her mouth. She immediately seized it with magic and drained it dry. Flo handed me the plate and then left, completely pawning the awkward situation off on me. Thankfully, Taya stopped sobbing after getting water, but she was still crying.

“Alright, not sure if you’re listening at the moment, but I’ll go ahead and get this out of the way: I’m not actually mad. A little disappointed, but honestly, not even that. I understand. That said, I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you not to do that again. I mean, you know, feel free to do most of it again, but not the ring part. When it comes to self-bondage, leave a guaranteed escape route. But there’s probably a better time to go over that bit. Yeah, I’m not mad, Taya. Not sure if you feel like eating, but I have food here whenever you’re ready.”

Somewhere during that painful spiel, the tears stopped flowing. A few seconds after I stopped, she tried saying something that came out as a croak. She coughed a few times and hoarsely asked, “How did you k-know?”

“I didn’t see you yesterday and I didn’t see you today. And every time I passed your door, it was closed. I decided to check on you. I would have done it yesterday, but I had to deal with a big problem. I would have done it sooner today, but I had to deal with a spidery problem. I wish I realized you were in trouble, because I would’ve told everyone else to fuck off.” She seemed to brighten up a little, at least. “Look, I know it’s probably awkward and weird or whatever, but if you do plan on doing something like this later, warn me. You don’t have to straight up say you’re doing weird kinky stuff. Just ask me to check up on you in a few hours or something.”

She didn’t reply. Given what she just went through, I kinda doubt she had any plans on making that a repeat performance. Though I suppose it probably felt extremely good, if you discounted the building stomach pressure and the horrible panic.

Flo brought in another flask and handed it to me without a single word. I set it next to the bathtub. “I imagine you’re not really in much of a mood for conversing at the moment. There’s more water right here when you want it and there’s food on the sink. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. Otherwise, I’ll let you take all the time you need in here. You’ll probably be able to walk pretty decently in fifteen or so minutes.”

She whimpered.

“Alright. I love you, honey. If you ever want to talk, remember that you know enough about me that I can never judge.” She whimpered again, so I finally left, closing the door behind me. “I don’t need your silent judgment, Flo,” I said as I walked back to my room. She continued silently judging me anyway.

Two hours later, Twilight brought Rainbow Dash and Rarity to my room. Taya was lying across my lap with a blanket over her, but she didn’t even open her eyes when they walked in. Given that she was probably very sore at the moment with the kind of ache magic couldn’t heal, I didn’t blame her.

“Is now a bad time?” Twilight asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Nope. Did you already explain the basics?” I asked.

“Just that we want to run a dream experiment.”

Rarity nodded and said, “I think it sounds interesting. I didn’t even know Twilight could do dream magic!”

Dash snorted. “I can’t believe you’re teaching her but won’t teach me!”

“I’m teaching her because I can teach her,” I said. “I can’t teach anyone that isn’t attuned to the artifact. It’s not my fault you didn’t take the initiative required.”

Dash’s eyes narrowed and her wings flinched. Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “So do you want to tell them what we’re doing or not?”

“Sure, sure. There’s a feature in the dream world that no one has tested. It lets a dream be locked down, allowing no one but the person who administered the lockdown to manipulate it. What we want to test is whether or not it stops the dreamer from waking up. Now that there are three dreamwalkers running around, it’s important for us to know what some of the abilities we have do.”

“So why me and Rainbow Dash?” Rarity asked. “Fluttershy seems like a more likely candidate.”

“Because your dreams are easier to control,” I said. “Even entering Fluttershy’s dreams can send her into a nightmare if you aren’t careful. You two usually have good dreams and if you don’t, they’re easy to make good. The plan was to enter your dream before we locked it down, make it a good dream, then watch it periodically after locking it down to ensure it’s still good. That way you won’t risk being trapped in a nightmare or something.”

Dash scowled. “After all the things you’ve done to me in my dreams, I don’t know if I want what you consider a good dream.”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything you didn’t enjoy.”

“Every single one of the Wonderbolts?!”

“When I left, it was just the female members. You can’t blame me for what it became!”

“Oh yeah, sure. What about the time you made us get married, for whatever bucking reason?”

“That one was all you. I just let the dream happen to see where it would take me.”

“Uh huh. And the one with the princesses, Gilda, Pinkie, Nightmare Moon, and that weird water lady?”

“That wasn’t—Wait, shit, I do remember that. Yeah, that one was definitely me. But it didn’t become an actual nightmare until after I left.”

“They all started fighting over me! I ended up having to—”

“Ahem,” Twilight coughed, making Dash’s sick fantasies stop flowing from her mouth. “When in your dreams, I’ll be there to ensure everything goes smoothly. I’ll be the main one overseeing your mind while you’re asleep, to make sure you keep happy dreams. Once the initial phase is over, Nav won’t be able to get in.”

Dash scoffed. “I don’t want him in there at all. Count me out.”

“I don’t want to move Taya. Rarity, can you boop her on the nose for me?” Rarity smiled and gently poked Dashie on the nose, making her glare at me even more. “Thanks. Anyway, what about you? Does that sound like something you might be interested in trying?”

“It mostly depends on one thing,” Rarity said. “You said this might make me unable to wake up. I assume you don’t think it will keep me asleep forever, or you wouldn’t have asked. But how long will I be asleep?”

Twilight fielded that one. “We decided to use three hours after your normal waking time as a baseline. If you aren’t awake by then, Nav will try to physically wake you up. At that point, we’ll count the experiment as concluded and remove the lockdown, letting you wake up. So about three hours more than normal.”

Rarity nodded. “Then I’ll do it. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately and three extra hours sounds delightful. Navarone does have a… history of doing things in my sleep, but nothing as raunchy as what it appears he’s done to poor Rainbow Dash. And with you there to supervise, I believe I’ll be fine.”

Dash rolled her eyes and muttered, “Better you than me…”

“Then we’ll see you in your dreams,” I said.

“While you’re there, there’s something I’ve been curious about. I’ve heard of a thing called lucid dreaming and was wondering if it might be something that’s teachable.”

“It sorta is,” I said. “Do ponies remember every dream that happens, or just some of them?”

“Just some,” Twilight said. “There are some nights when I sleep and just seem to wake up.”

“Then keep a dream journal,” I said. “That’ll help you remember dreams, which will give you more of a basis to know when you’re dreaming. Once you realize that you’re in a dream, you can start doing whatever you want in it. It’s easier for some than for others. If you have difficulty, Twilight or I can probably visit your dreams once a night to help. Depending on the dream, that could either wake you up or help get you on the right path.”

“Well, a dream journal is something I’ve been considering for a while. I suppose it’s finally time to commit to it, then.”

“Make sure to record your dreams as soon as you wake up, so they’re still fresh in your mind.”

Rarity nodded. “One of my dreams last night was quite vivid. I think I’ll go jot it down now, unless you need to explain anything else.”

“Nothing I can think of. Twilight?”

She shrugged. “You know more about it than I do. If you have any concerns before tonight, come to me or Nav and we’ll talk it over.”

“Very well. If not before, I’ll see you both tonight.” She happily trotted out, leaving Dash and Twilight behind.

“So how’s your research going?” I asked.

“Well. I was already able to perform a successful experiment. It’s not much, but it’s a start. With enough practice, I might be able to do more tests on your dragon armor.”

“Cool. If you can get the evil spirit out of it, I might be able to actually use it again.”

“I’ll see what can be done. I had a different solution in mind, though. But I told the unicorn guard working with me that we would only break for half an hour, and that time is getting close. I wouldn’t want to make him wait. So I’ll see you later tonight, Nav.”

“Peace out, homie.” She smiled and left, leaving just one.

Dash waited until she was gone before walking a little closer and quietly asking, “So you remember the night guard captain?”

“Midnight Blossom? Yeah, what about her?”

“Can you make the next one about her?”

“I don’t know, Dash. You were doing your best to make me look bad in front of Rarity and Twilight. Maybe I should stop doing you little favors…”

She groaned. “Come on, Nav! You know I don’t want to risk having Twilight in my dream when you get there!”

“Yeah, yeah. Probably won’t be tonight, but expect Blossom soonish.” She did an adorable hoof pump. “But I might have a little bit of fun with her interpretation, as revenge.”

“Tch. Do your worst. Nothing can beat what Chrysalis did to me that one time…”

“You mean that time you came to me gushing about how awesome it was and how you wanted to come with me the next time I went to the hive?”

“...Yes. Anyway, whenever you want to cash in on all this, just let me know and I’m yours!”

“I know. If you want a decent facsimile for a hive experience, ask Doppel to teach you all about the breeding chambers. That’ll be fun for both of you.”

“Uh… I need to uh… go do something. Talk to you later!” She bolted out the door. As soon as she was gone, Taya’s horn lit up and the door closed and we went back to chilling.

Some time later, Spike let himself back in, once again without knocking. Taya was lying at my side, reading a book, so I can honestly say I wasn’t doing anything dirty. Still, it rankled.

“Spike, did anyone ever teach you to knock?” I asked.

“Um. Yes?”

“Then start fucking doing it. In fact, get out. Get out, close the door, and knock.”

“Oh come on, I’m already in here!”

“Yeah, and I’m telling you to get out. Don’t make me sic Taya on you.” She looked up and her horn lit up. He couldn’t see it, but he sighed and left anyway, closing the door behind him. A few seconds later, he knocked. “Who is it?”

“You know who it is!”

“Not with that attitude I don’t.”

I imagine he sighed again before sullenly saying, “It’s Spike.”

“Come in.” He opened the door back. “I wasn’t expecting you. Did you need something?”

“What do you mean you weren’t—You just…” His shoulders sagged and he shook his head. “I taught Kat the basics of shooting. She picked it up really fast. I think she might be as good as you!”

“I’m not surprised in the slightest. Did you ask if she was interested in getting one of her own?”

“Yeah. She wanted to know if she could have mine. For some reason, she thought I didn’t need it anymore.”

“I’ll draw up plans for something Jak can make her. It’ll probably take him a while and he might need special facilities to make some of it, though. For now, let Kat hold onto yours. I’m going to want everyone ready to fight at a moment’s notice while we’re there. You’re a dragon, so you’re always ready to go. For those of us with external weapons and armor, that isn’t so easy.”

“I was already gonna let her hold onto it. And you know, there’s a spell to turn you into a pony. Do you think there might be a spell that could turn you into a dragon?”

“Yes, because there’s also a spell to turn me into a changeling.” Taya’s ears perked up. “Chrysalis tested it when I was in the hive. That said, you’d have to figure out how to change the spell to turn me into something else, and then you’d have to break through the new magic resistance I got to turn me back. Griffin or something like that would probably be easier.”

“You should totally let Taya or Twilight try!” he said with a big smile. “That would be so cool!”

“I could figure it out, daddy,” Taya said. “And the unicorns on the ship taught me and Twilight how to do something weird to combine our magic, so we could definitely turn you back.”

“Feel free, if you want. I guess it would be fun or something. Just wait until we get out of Africa, because I don’t want to risk getting stuck that way while we’re there.”

“Okay, daddy!”

“So why couldn’t you teach Kat?” Spike asked.

“I was busy. Keyword being was. I guess it might not be too terrible of an idea to make sure my gun is still accurate.” I rubbed Taya’s back for a second before standing up and stretching. “Is Kat still on the deck? If so, I might see what she’s capable of.”

“She was when I left. But her paws are kinda sore from pulling the string back so much. I never really noticed, but…”

“But you have scaley dragon hands, yeah. Hers are probably going to hurt worse in the morning. Oh well.” I grabbed the gun, a few magazines, and a small crate of extra bullets. “You’re free to join me, Taya.”

She shook her head. “My legs still feel… funny.”

“Then I’ll see you in a bit.” Spike was still standing in the doorway, so he quickly backed out of the way when I walked over. For whatever reason, he decided to follow me to the deck. The normal assortment of guards were up there, doing whatever they could to alleviate the boredom of travel. Gilda was flying next to the balloon, staring down at the ocean. Pinkie and Aerie were flying on the other side of it, doing their weird thing. Kat had apparently went back down at some point.

“We were shooting from the top to the front of the ship,” Spike said. “It was the longest place we could find and I figured she would mostly be shooting down.”

“I bet the extra wind made things difficult. You’re lucky she didn’t hit a guard.”

“We made sure they were all out of the way before we shot. It looks like they filled in the space pretty quickly, though.”

“I don’t need any long shots. Just enough to make sure this thing is still on. From mast to mast will work. Hopefully that won’t give the wind enough time to fuck up my aim.”

“Can’t you correct for it?”

“After a few shots, probably. Assuming this thing was accurate to begin with. But pneumatic weapons lack a lot of the speed and damage a gunpowder weapon would have, meaning it’ll be less accurate over long distances and in wind like this. This gun is accurate up to two hundred meters. A good rifle using gunpowder bullets is accurate up to two kilometers.” His eyes widened. “But ammo for those would be irreplaceable here. Or at least, so hard to replace that they might as well be.”

We walked over to one of the masts and I set the crate and most of the magazines down. One of them went into the rifle and I chambered a round. No one was in the way, but I wasn’t going to shoot the mast just yet.

“What were you guys shooting at earlier?” I asked.

“Boxes a unicorn held up with magic. We lost most of the bolts over the side, but we have so many and Sunshine Smiles said they were easy to make.”

“Easy to make when you have the materials. They’re still time-consuming, especially the wooden ones. Go find more boxes. I’m sure someone will be willing to hold them up for me. Should only take a few rounds.”

“Okay.” He walked off again and I began casually inspecting the rifle. It had gotten several scuffs and dents since I first gotten it, but the thing was definitely made to last. Just like everything else in that bunker, for that matter. I was more worried about the scope than anything. The rifle had been dropped several times and I was concerned that the scope might be losing integrity. It probably wouldn’t have been as much of an issue with the stock scope, but the modified one I got stuck out more. But it was removable, so if it failed, iron sights were an option. The ponies could probably make a half-decent regular scope if I asked, but that would be a last resort option.

But it (probably) hadn’t failed yet, so that thing was staying on.

Spike got back with a few boxes and one of the ship’s unicorns a few minutes later. It was the one that had a crush on me, so she was all too willing to assist.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long to ensure that the rifle was still on and that I was still a pretty alright shooter. I didn’t want to waste the bullets or time doing much more.

“Without a way to recover these, I don’t really want to keep going,” I said after expending the last of the first magazine.

“Why?” Spike asked. “These are smaller than bolts. Shouldn’t they be easier to replace?”

“Mine have to be perfectly uniform or they won’t work properly. To do that consistently, you’d need a mold, which I don’t think we have.”

“I could catch them!” the unicorn happily said.

Flo, what’s her name?

“You’re a terrible person. And Amber Night.”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Amber,” I said. “These things aren’t like arrows. They come out of this gun very fast. I wouldn’t even ask Twilight to try catching these things.”

“Can I at least try?” she asked.

I shrugged and loaded up another mag. “Tell me when you’re ready,” I said.

Her horn lit up even brighter and she stared at the end of my gun. “Ready.”

As soon as I pulled the trigger, she flinched and the light around her horn flickered before dying, letting the box fly away in the wind. The bolt actually did stop before it could hit the box and it dropped to the deck right around the same time Amber did.

I pushed the gun at Spike and he barely had time to grab it before I got to her. The first thing I did was check her pulse, which was still beating. Then I held my hand just in front of her nose so I could feel her breath. She seemed to be passed out. Still breathing, but out of it. The captain came running right before I could tell Spike to go get him. “What happened?” he asked, kneeling down to check on her.

“She tried doing something a lot harder than she thought,” I said. “I told her not to, but…”

“But she wanted to impress you. First guess is magical coma. She’ll be out for a day or three.” He used magic to gently lift her up onto his back. “Despite what those pirates believed, not all unicorns are created equally powerful, Nav. It’s certainly possible for us to grow stronger, but we all have different starting points. The longer we go without doing anything heavy, the closer it gets to that starting point. We might have to start training again, if we want to avoid this in the future.”

“I’m not sure I want you guys in fights at all. You’ve done your time in hell. Let the ones who volunteered for it take your place.”

He shook his head. “For our sake more than yours. We have all the knowledge of the magic. I don’t want to risk any of us trying something we could do years ago without remembering that we haven’t actually done enough to be able to do it now. Being useful in a fight is just a secondary bonus.”

“Alright, man. I’m not gonna deny that I’d like having more of you able to blow shit up. Sorry about accidentally putting one of your crew members in a coma.”

“She’ll live. I’m gonna go put her in bed. I’ll have someone check on her every few hours. You want to apologize to someone, apologize to her.”

“That’s the plan. Before you go, are we making good headway?”

“Yeah. We’ll hit the coast some time early in the morning. We’ll probably get to the river around lunch and we’ll start setting things up then.”

“Ballin’. Let me know if things change.”

“Of course.” With that, he finally walked off, the mare hanging limply on his back.

I grabbed the bullet from where it fell and quickly checked it over. Sure enough, it was completely undamaged. She still shouldn’t have done it, but to be fair, I was kinda impressed that she was actually able to. So I guess she got her wish.

“I saw Twilight do that once,” Spike said when I got my rifle back from him.

“Were you scared?”

“More for the other ponies around me. I don’t know how, but she swapped the genders of half the ponies in the palace, and made them think they had always been like that!”

“Huh. Guess you got lucky.”

“...Sometimes I wonder. I mean, none of them could be convinced anything happened. Maybe I actually was—”

“You are what you are. Ruminating on the past only makes you suffer more.”

“Yeah… And they didn’t try to convince me anyway, so I’m not really too worried. Does that mean you’re finally ready to accept being a mare?”

“I’m not a horse.” I started walking back to the lower level. Of course, he followed. “But I accepted that shortly after it happened. That doesn’t mean I’m done looking for a way back.”

“So… you’re ready to start looking for a coltfriend?”

“Just because I occasionally participate in cock-related sex stuff doesn’t mean I’m interested in participating in cock-related relationships. And I’m not particularly interested in relationships at all. Even if I was, there’s exactly one guy on board I could go for and that’s the captain. So stop pressing your heteronormative hangups on me, man.”

“...I don’t know what that means.”

“It means that if I’m going to accept being a girl, I’m going to accept being a lesbian one. So no, I’m not interested in a coltfriend. Or a marefriend, at the moment.”

“Oh. Okay. Coulda just said so… Anyway, I need to go talk to Twilight. She said she wanted my help with something.”

“Have fun.” He continued deeper into the ship and I went to my room.

Taya looked up when I walked in, of course. “That was fast.”

“I didn’t have to do much. And I accidentally sent the mare that was helping us into a magical coma, so we had to stop.”

“Oh.” She went back to reading while I started putting things back up. When I finished, I joined her on the bed and we finally got back to doing fuck all.

Twilight finally came back an hour or so before dusk. Taya was curled up at my feet, sleeping. She probably didn’t get all too much rest with her holes stuffed and vibrating, so she definitely needed it.

“Is now a bad time?” Twilight quietly asked.

“Nah. What do you need?”

“Your help with something.” I tenderly got out of bed, not wanting to disturb my adorably slumbering daughter. Since I had a feeling I knew what Twilight wanted help with, I didn’t bother putting on shoes. When my door was shut, I followed her down the hall to her room. “I spoke with Rarity a few minutes ago. She’s still ready to help.”

“Coolio.”

“I also spoke to Rainbow Dash.”

“You don’t say.”

“I do say. Is abusing your powers really wise, Nav?”

“Dash and I have an understanding.”

She pushed her door open and we went in. When it was closed behind us, she said, “I know. I can read between the lines better than some pon—people think I can. Giving her wet dreams isn’t what I meant. Giving her wet dreams about ponies that aren’t interested in her is.”

“Oh. It doesn’t hurt anyone. Dash knows how to separate fiction from reality. Honestly, it’s about the same thing as having sex with a changeling. I know you’re super racist, so that probably still sounds bad to you, but it’s really not.”

“...Have I been one of the ponies she dreamed about?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” She looked down. “As I’ve said before, you see very different sides of your friends when you look in their dreams. That includes which of their friends they think should be in deeper relationships with each other. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve looked in dreams and seen all kinds of weird pairs. You and Dash, Rarity and Applejack, Dash and Fluttershy, you and me, Luna and Fluttershy. All kinds of weird shit.”

“...Who thought you and I would be a good couple?”

“It pops up mostly in Rarity’s dreams. But I also see it a lot in Applejack, Dash, and about half the ponies in Ponyville. Also Cadance, sometimes. We were living together for a long time. Wouldn’t take much for some people to assume things because of it.”

“Huh. Do you think a good way to make Rarity have a happy dream is to ask her to make wedding dresses for us?”

“That would definitely do it. It would also work if you were Celestia, Fluttershy, Dash, Doppel, or Smiles. She really likes playing matchmaker and she doesn’t seem to have a favorite pair.”

“How much of that will I see if I start looking in my friends’ dreams?”

“Most happy dreams are about themselves. This is more rare. But if you fall into their dream and act like they want you to, they’ll often ask you where your partner is. Surprisingly enough, when I asked Cadance about some of the pairings I found in dreams, she admitted most would make really good couples. Then she told me to stop being creepy and to stay out of her dreams about fucking your brother in the ass.”

Twilight slowly closed her eyes and I swear I saw her lips counting to ten.

“Hey, you know she was writing this shit about your brother when they were young. I confirmed it the last time I spoke to her.”

The numbers started going past ten.

“And I can also say that after a few suggestions from a certain human, Cadance and your brother both have a very great love of strap-ons. Well, your brother more than her.”

She was in the forties.

“When Celestia found out, I thought her wings would be stiff for days. Then I suggested that Cadance get him a vibrating buttplug so she can make him hard whenever she wanted to throughout the day. Both of them loved that idea.”

Her ears started twitching as she got to the seventies.

“Of course, I also made Cadance get one. Celestia made some suggestions, since she’s pretty much always wearing one. In fact, Cadance got to wear it during the Gala. I didn’t get to spend much time with her there, because I was busy being invisible and fucking Celestia. Still though—”

She put her hoof to my mouth. “It’s time for you to stop.”

“Alright.” She lowered her hoof, thankfully. I didn’t want it close to my mouth since it was probably filthy. “So you ready to start?”

“Yes. Please disrobe. I’ll get the paper set up.” While I got undressed, she used magic to pull out a traveler’s desk and then set several thick sheets of paper on it, followed by a few pens. “I’m going to be entirely truthful about every aspect of our relations in this book, Nav. I will not use names, but I will use races and genders, to give any potential readers ideas about what is possible and suggested for which race. To that end, I’ll give you a choice. I can either turn you into a pony for our sessions to protect your identity or I can leave you as a human and let any potential readers know who my subject was.”

“I have some information you might want, then. Chrysalis was able to modify the body changing spell to turn me into a changeling. Spike asked about turning me into a dragon earlier and Taya mentioned it being possible. So I’m wondering if it would be possible to turn me into other races as well.”

“If Chrysalis was able to modify the spell like that… Absolutely. I’ll send a letter to Princess Celestia asking her opinion on the matter first thing in the morning, though I’ll certainly not mention the reason. That will give me a whole new scope of races to work with!”

“And another gender, if we go the changeling route. I can totally become male.”

“...So you can. But for now, I’ll ask again: Do you want me to change you into a pegasus?”

“On one condition: Don’t gag me.”

“Of course. I will act as the dom for this, but for now, I’m learning. I want you to tell me immediately if I’m going too far or if I’m not going far enough. I also want you to suggest different things to try, since I doubt I’ll think of much and I know you have more experience than I do.”

“That’s the plan. Go ahead and turn me.” Her horn lit up brightly and I felt my body changing to its weakest and most pitiful of states. When the horrid transition was complete, I shivered for a few seconds before recovering. “Alright, I’m going to list a few basic things to start. Listen to them all and let me know which sound interesting.” She nodded. “Pet play. Age play. Orgasm denial. Spanking. Sensory deprivation. Cuckolding.”

“I’m not quite sure what some of those are. Age play?”

“It’s when I pretend to be younger than I am and you take care of me. It doesn’t always involve sex. Sometimes it’s a purely emotional thing. That said, it can also be used to simulate pedophilia, not that I’d suggest it or be particularly interested.”

“Me neither. Sensory deprivation?”

“You blindfold me, tie up my legs, and plug my ears. It also usually involves gagging as well, so they can’t taste. Then you add various sensations. Melting wax on one nipple for heat, ice on the other for cold, and of course vaginal stimulation. Basically, it forces them to focus on their feeling of touch by making it so they can’t use anything else to escape.”

“That sounds fun, but it’s also a little advanced. I don’t want to gag you just yet. Cuckolding?”

“That’s more for people in an actual relationship. But it’s basically when you let someone else be my dom while you watch. Or, alternately, make me watch while you turn someone else into a sub.”

“What if I make another sub toy with you?”

“That’s also an option.”

“An option I will keep in mind for later.”

“There’s also public humiliation or public strutting, which can go along with pet play. But we aren’t doing that until we get to a city where neither of us are known and where guards won’t get pissy about it.”

“...Would you actually be willing to do that?”

“If I don’t get recognized, sure. You can add in cuckolding if you let random stallions take advantage of me. But that’s in the future.”

“Indeed it is. I’m noting a pretty distinct lack of knots in your list, though. I thought a lot of BDSM involved tying the sub up.”

“Don’t get me wrong: You can tie me up and straight up make me your bitch if you want. Make me eat you out, use a strap-on to pound me, use a vibrator to make me beg. I’m talking about specific fetishes, not general BDSM stuff.”

“That’s where I’d like to start, if you don’t mind. Some of those sound interesting and I’d like to get into them later, but I’d like to start slow, to give potential readers a more general baseline of what to expect.”

“Alright. The few knots that I do know how to tie are mostly BDSM things. Or basically, how not to cut circulation while you’re banging.” I lied on my back in the bed and went spread-eagle. “Start with my back legs.”

Super weird and kinky sex with the adorkable Twilight Sparkle was fun, but also somewhat slow and annoying. She was being extremely analytical about a lot of it and spent way too much time writing and not enough time taking my pussy to Pound Town.

But we both got what we wanted out of it, so I guess it wasn’t too bad. When she was done, she turned me back and we cuddled, falling asleep together.

As soon as I got into the dream realm, I popped out and then found Twilight. Just to test something, I wrote her a message. ‘Sup, honeybuns? You mind if I let myself in?’

After nearly a minute, she replied, ‘By all means.’ Just like that, I entered. “It worked!” she happily said, rearing back and clopping her front hooves together.

“I swear, ponies are made to be fucking adorable,” I said, shaking my head. Twilight blushed, though she was still grinning. “Anyway, you ready to blow this joint and go fuck with the marshmallow horse?”

“Yes. But we aren’t going to mess with her. We’re going to make sure she has happy dreams and then we’re going to do an experiment.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sometimes her happy dreams are about having a train run on her by countless royal guards.”

“Uh huh. Sure. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

I had actually only seen it once, and that was just before Valentine’s Day. To be fair, though, a lot of single mares had wet dreams that night, Twilight included. I might have tweaked a few of them to be more fun, but I just as easily might not have. Not like anyone could prove anything, after all…

“So getting out is just the same as last night?” Twilight asked.

“Yep. If you want, I can poke you the whole time so you can get practice doing it while distracted.”

“Maybe later, when I have a better mastery of it. For now, let me just concentrate.”

Since I knew it would take Twilight a while, I started chasing Aqua around the dream with funny hats and lingerie, since I knew it would annoy her. Sure, I could make it automatically appear on her body, but doing it manually was a lot more fun. Especially when she started to kill me and I jumped back into the dream right behind her to begin the process anew.

Finally, Twilight managed to escape the dream, making Aqua poof away right as I pounced at her with a tiny g-string and heart-shaped nipple stickers.

“You’re a terrible, terrible person,” Flo said as the dream dissolved around me. “I absolutely love it.”

I know it, babe.

When I appeared in the anteroom next to Twilight, she looked around and sighed in delight. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over how amazing this place is.”

“Everything can become routine when you deal with it long enough,” I said. She looked down, so I tousled her hair and continued, “But sharing things with others can always breathe new life into them.”

She looked up at me with a big ol’ smile. “Nav, I’m not the only one that’s come a long way.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, little Miss Twilight Sparkle.”

“Of course you don’t, my most favoritest human friend. Now let’s go see to Rarity!” She took my hand and dragged me over to Rarity’s white dream. “What do you think?”

I walked closer and pulled some of the dream-stuff aside to look in. Rarity was at the Gala in a very pretty dress, surrounded by some of the most elite ponies in Canterlot. I had no clue what they were talking about, but she was a major part of it.

“Three things come to mind and all are doable,” I said. “First, the obvious one is getting a sexy hunk of a stallion to start flirting with her and then dancing with her. Second, to let her see me and you dancing together as well, then speak to her and thank her for helping us get together and making us such nice dresses. Third, to have Princess Celestia come and talk to her.”

“How do we do the first and third ones?” Twilight asked. “Can we just ask a dream… character to help us?”

“Nah. Well I mean, we could, but it would be easier to make our own character. It’s the same concept I use in Dash’s wet dreams. It’s easier when you’re making someone you know, because you can just push what you know of their personality onto them. But with a completely new character, you have to invent a personality. Usually I keep it simple, because most dreams are simple and short. Give them an appearance, a few basic characteristics, a purpose, and maybe a name. Then you just will them into existence and let them get to work.”

“Huh. Is that also something I can do in my own dreams?”

“Yeah. Say you wanted to feel all your holes completely and totally stuffed. Just summon three copies of Big Mac and give them the purpose of fucking you.”

“I wasn’t actually thinking of using it for sex, but I’m honestly not surprised that’s where your mind went. Do you mind if I make the stallion for Rarity?”

“By all means. We can appear on the far side of the room so you can take your time. You know Rarity better than I do, so once we get started, I’ll follow your lead. But remember that this dream is probably going to last a lot longer than usual, so put some good thought into him.”

“That’s the plan. Are you ready?”

“Just one more thing to mention. Remember that dreams are fluid. We can make this plan, but by the time we put it into fruition, things might already be changing. For example, her mind might make another stallion to do just what we’re planning. Or she might hear an ill-timed whisper behind her back that spirals the dream into darkness. By all means, make the plan and do your best to stick to it, but know when to give up and when to start adjusting.”

“As long as you’re by my side, I don’t think I’ll have any issues.”

“Gay as fuck. Follow me in.” I looked at a clear spot on the far side of the party and pulled myself into the dream. Twilight appeared next to me as I made myself female and put on one of the dresses Celestia forced me into during her shitty sleepover. After a few seconds of thought, I added the makeup as well. By the time I turned to Twilight, she had conquered Rarity’s influence over the dream and was looking around.

She grinned when she saw me. “That’s a very pretty dress, Nav.”

“Rarity actually made it for me. No fucking clue why, because there’s no way I’d ever wear something like this, but it was nice of her.”

“The green matches your hair and eyes. Do you have any suggestions of attire for me?”

“Nope. Figure something out.”

She shrugged and started dressing herself up in a fairly plain outfit. “I don’t really want to waste time with frivolities and this is close to something she made for me in the past. Now let me start making her a coltfriend…”

While she was concentrating on that, I started watching the flow of the dream. Rarity was still with Fancy Pants and his cronies, so that seemed to be going well. We were in one of the side rooms, so Celestia wasn’t present. That meant we’d have to create her ourselves. None of Rarity’s Ponyville friends were present but me and Twilight and as far as I knew, no one in the crowd knew either of us. All things told, everything was looking perfect.

Right as I came to that conclusion, a large blue stallion appeared in front of us, dressed in a very fine tuxedo. He ignored me and Twilight and immediately walked over to Rarity. “And now we wait,” Twilight said.

“I’ll go ahead and warn you now: If you did it right, things are probably going to start shifting around us. We might suddenly appear on a dance floor with a few couples all around us. Dreams don’t always follow logical sense, after all.”

“I’ll be ready, as long as you lead the dance.”

“I always knew that I’d be the man in this relationship.”

She smirked. “I’ll keep that in mind the next time I make you beg to cum like a mare.”

“...That was under duress.”

“It’s a good thing I used magic to soundproof my room, or I’m sure the others would be disturbed at how loud you cried for me to rut you like a filly in heat.”

“That’s just disturbing. And if you don’t stop teasing me, I won’t hesitate to turn this into a wet dream.”

“You can dish it out, but not take it? Well actually, I know you can take it. Just like a pro, with all that moaning going on.”

“Slut.” She stuck her tongue out at me, then jumped in surprise as our surroundings seemed to dissolve for a second. I quickly stuck my hand on her back so we didn’t get separated, not that it would be hard for me to find her again. After a few seconds, everything was back in order and sure enough, we were on the dance floor. “Showtime.”

She didn’t reply, aside from hopping up on her hind legs to start dancing with me. It was probably super awkward for her, but we had done it a few times when we were still living together and just wanted to screw around. Neither of us were wearing dresses back then, though…

Thankfully, all the dream characters didn’t pay any attention to us, aside from taking the effort to float around us. Rarity’s dream was already picking up a gold tinge since she was dancing with her Romeo, so the dancers were moving perfectly to avoid any possible mishaps. Of course, they were all rotating around Rarity and her beau, so it wasn’t all too difficult for Twilight and I to work our way next to her.

Since it was Rarity’s dream, I was going to go at her pace, within some limits. To that end, Twilight and I stayed in her orbit for one very long song before Rarity finally noticed us. The smile on her face deepened a little and the dream twitched on us again, resolving in her and her dream guy chilling at a table in front of the gardens. There were two seats opposite them where Twilight and I were supposed to be sitting, so I pushed my will on Twiley and forced us both into them, then gripped one of Twilight’s hooves before she could say anything.

“It’s nice to see you here, Rarity,” I said with a sweet smile.

“And it’s always nice to see two friends,” she answered. “This is Zion, a stallion I met a few hours ago.”

The stallion finally looked away from Rarity and smiled toward us. “It’s nice to meet you two. You make such a beautiful couple.”

Before I could say anything, Twilight jumped in. “Rarity’s actually the pony that set us up. We were friends for a while before she helped us realize how we really felt and we’ve been together ever since!” I reached over and gently scratched Twilight behind the ear, making her head lift up a little toward my hand.

“I was delighted to help, dears!” Rarity said, beaming even more.

“And the dresses you made for us were also wonderful,” I said, carefully brushing at mine.

“You made those?” the stallion asked, seemingly impressed.

“Well, I don’t mean to brag…”

“It’s not bragging if your work really is great,” Twilight said. “In fact, Navi and I were kinda wondering… Would you maybe be interested in making… more?”

“Anything for my friends! What did you have in mind?”

Twilight looked up at me, seeking approval. I grinned down at her and then turned to Rarity, gripping one of Twilight’s hooves with both of my hands. “Wedding gowns.”

Rarity gasped, holding a hoof up to her mouth, and the entire sky lit up a brilliant gold. “Yes! I would love to!”

She jumped up, sending her chair tumbling into nothingness, but I held up a hand. “Rarity, please! There’s no rush. Our love will last as long as it takes, don’t you worry.” Twilight leaned over and nuzzled my side, a dreamy smile on her face. I wrapped an arm around her. “Enjoy your night with your handsome date. You never know, you might just find yourself making an extra dress, soon.”

She blushed ever so slightly and nodded. “Of… of course. But I’ll get started in the morning, I promise!”

“Thank you, Rarity,” Twilight said before cuddling up to me even more. “You’re always so generous. It means a lot to us.”

“I’ll always help a friend in need,” Rarity happily said.

Twilight flinched slightly and the stallion stood up. “Would you care to let the lovers have the rest of the night to themselves, my lady? I think I’d enjoy a moonlit walk through the gardens.”

“Oh, of course, of course!” Zion’s chair disappeared and he was suddenly standing right next to her. “I’m ever so happy for you two!” Rarity said one last time before the dream twitched again. I grabbed Twilight and teleported us into a tree several meters above Rarity and her fake boyfriend.

“I think that went well,” I said.

“I didn’t tweak his mind just right,” Twilight said, staring down at the stallion. “I wanted him to ask her to dance again, not go for a walk.”

“Don’t overthink it too much. He’s Rarity’s toy, now. You gave him the basics, but she’s expanding on him as they spend time together. Also, what the fuck kind of name is Zion?”

“I was in a hurry. Do we still want to try to bring in Celestia?”

“I don’t think we’ll need to. But keep it in mind later, if the dream starts losing its golden hue.”

“Right.” She looked around and adjusted herself on the branch. “I thought you said I couldn’t affect you.”

“You can’t do anything to me easily. It takes some time and practice to move another dreamwalker. It takes even more time and practice to change one. And if they’re actively defending against it, it’s a lot harder.”

“Interesting… Before we go, I have a question. This stallion asked her into a pretty private part of the castle. Do we need to worry about this becoming a red dream?”

“Are you worried about it?”

“Well… I wouldn’t say worried, per se, but I thought the goal was to make this golden, not red.”

“To Rarity, finding a stallion that she can fall in love with and make passionate love to is pretty much the ultimate happiness. Yes, she might make something of a mess on her bed, but it’ll still be a happy dream. That’s why you get bronze-colored dreams: Happiness mixed with sensual.”

“Oh. So are you ready to go?”

“Not quite. I’m ready for you to go, but I wanted to do another experiment with locked down dreams before we leave. I want to see if a dreamwalker can escape one that someone else locks down.”

“Yeah, that would actually be pretty important to know. But it’ll probably take me a little while to get out.”

I shook my head. “We need to leave quickly. Having a dreamwalker in a dream automatically makes it more vivid and fluid. Things will change a lot faster with one of us present than it will if we’re both gone. Let Aqua take you out, then lock the dream down and come in to let me know. The command for the defenders is ‘access subroutine artificial intelligence defender’. Ask them to lock this dream down so that nothing but you can get in or out.”

“Alright. Aqua, do you mind—” She vanished. A few moments later, the sky turned a much darker gold and I swear I felt a weird weight hit my chest. Shortly after that, Twilight popped back in next to me. “Alright, can you get out?”

I focused and tried to jump out of the dream. Sure enough, nothing I did let me leave. “Doesn’t look like it. Also of note is that the sky got darker and it feels like the gravity got stronger.”

“Huh. I didn’t notice the darkness and I don’t feel any different.”

“Neat. Head back out and disable the lockdown. I’ll jump out immediately if the light dims again.”

“Alright. Aqua?” She disappeared again. Not much later, the sky got brighter again. I hopped out and reappeared next to Twilight, once again male and wingless. “I suppose that answers that question,” she said.

“Guess so. Do your thing.”

She nodded and looked back at the AIs. “Lock this dream down again. I want nothing to be able to get in or out but me.”

One of them said, “At once.” All three of them surrounded it and put their hands against it, turning the thing a few shades darker again.

As an experiment, I walked over and tried to peel the smoke back to look in. I couldn’t. Then I tried punching it, like I usually have to do to get into Celestia’s dreams. Instead of hitting anything, my fist just stopped a few centimeters in front of it.

“Well, the lockdown definitely works,” I said, turning back to Twilight.

“That’s good to know, but I can’t imagine it ever really being useful.”

“Luna forced her way into my dreams several times. I was able to fight her off, but being able to lock her out entirely would have been nice.”

“...True. And now that there are three of us, we can use it to make sure one of the other two doesn’t jump in while we’re trying to help the dreamer.”

“That shouldn’t be necessary, given the number of dreamers we have to look out for, but it’s not a bad idea.” To be honest, I was really thinking more about using it to keep Luna locked up if I ever needed her gone. If it kept the dreamer asleep and it made it so the dreamwalker couldn’t leave, it could be used as an impromptu holding device. But Twilight didn’t need to know about that.

“So what should we do now?”

“Two choices. Dick around in dreams some more or practice doing stuff in your own dream. Dicking around will give you some practice, but not as much as purposefully trying stuff in your own.”

She tilted her head slightly. “For some reason, Aqua really wants us to go to other dreamers, not to mine.”

She probably doesn’t want me to fuck with her anymore. “Well, feel free to remind Aqua that it’s better for you to learn how to get into and out of dreams on your own accord. That’s something you can practice in your own dream.”

“Would you be there with me?”

“If you wanted me to be. I’d get booted out whenever you managed to escape into the anteroom, but we need to check up on Rarity every now and then anyway.”

Twilight nodded once. “Then let’s do that.” She paused for a few seconds and then blinked. “Wait, how do I get back to my own dream? My head isn’t turning toward it.”

I grinned. “Alright, you know how you got here? You need to do the same thing to get into your own dream. So it’s double the practice.”

“Huh. I guess that means it’s even more important for me to learn.”

“Guess so.” I teleported so I was lying on top of her back. “I’ll just chill here until you get it.”

“I love the emotional support.”

“Love you too, babe.” She sighed and started concentrating yet again.

After several hours and one small tweak to Rarity’s dream, our elementals told us that morning had arrived. “So what should I do?” Twilight asked.

“Keep screwing around in here,” I said, finally looking up from where I had been applying makeup to a very pissed Aqua. “I’ll have Aqua tell you every time an hour passes, and you can check up on Rarity then. After three or so of those, I’ll coordinate with Aqua and try to wake Rarity up. Then we’ll go from there.”

“Sounds like a plan. Then I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Yep. Flo, would you kindly?”

I awoke with a jolt. Twilight’s legs were still clamped around me, so I carefully pulled myself away. Her lingerie was soiled with a few bodily fluids and I felt pretty nasty myself, so I skipped putting my clothes on and just grabbed one of her oversized pony towels so I could take a shower.

Once I was clean, I went to my room to get dressed. Taya was awake again, though she was still chilling on my bed. “You know what time it is?” I asked.

“...Breakfast time?”

“Well, that wasn’t the original plan, but that’s probably not a bad idea. Since you were indisposed, I completely forgot to eat.”

“Um. What was the original plan?”

“Exercise time. Since you were indisposed, you definitely weren’t exercising.”

“...Trying to get out of those ropes was really tiring.”

“I bet running a few laps around the ship will be, too. Let’s go eat so we can get to it, hmm?”

“B-but… I’m emotionally traumatized! I should be… um, recovering or something.” I lifted an eyebrow. “M-my legs are still kinda shakey…” I crossed my arms and she looked away and whispered, “I don’t wanna.”

“Cast the translation spell on yourself. I have a gift.”

She grinned, possibly thinking she was getting out of it. “Okay, daddy!” Her horn lit up and a light quickly suffused her ears. While she was doing that, I was pulling out my laptop and looking for something.

A minute later, I found it and a beautiful, topical song started playing. “Listen closely, Taya. This song is your gift.”

She was just staring at the wall in confusion until the chorus kicked in:

“No, you can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometime you find

You get what you need…”

A very blank look came over her face. I said, “You might see where I’m going with this. But just in case, I’ll go ahead and let the rest of it play.” The look on her face grew a little more sullen as the song kept going. Every time the chorus kicked in, she seemed to die a little more on the inside.

When the song finally faded away, she sighed and stood up. “Let’s go eat and then run, daddy.”

“That’s my girl!”

And so we did. Seeing Africa slowly crawl by in the distance while we ran was kinda neat, but I was so jaded by traveling at this point that I didn’t really pay it much mind.

Three hours after I woke up, I found myself standing next to Rarity’s bed. She was still slumbering away, a silly grin plastered across her face. Aqua was standing on one side of me and Flo was on the other. I’m pretty sure the only reason one of them wasn’t doing awful things to me is because the other was there.

And I gotta say, I’m glad. If it was just Flo next to me, there’s no telling what that awful woman would do. It was a good thing Aqua was there to keep her in check.

But anyway, Rarity should have been awake about three hours prior, give or take an hour or so. “Aqua, is Twilight standing by?”

She dimmed a little for a few seconds before saying, “Yes. She’s in the anteroom in front of Rarity’s dream.”

“Excellent.” I started gently shaking the mare on the bed, trying to wake her. She was all kinds of floppy, but no kinds of wakey. “Alrighty. Would one of you kindly jump in there and try to forcefully wake her?”

Flo extended a watery tentacle up Rarity’s nose. After several dull seconds, it retracted. “By all rights, her body should be awake. I believe this dream machine has the capability of holding a pony’s mind hostage.”

“It looks like it. This is something we probably shouldn’t tell anyone. Like, ever. Aqua, ask Twilight to get rid of the lockdown.”

“Very well.” She dimmed again. After a few seconds later, she said, “It is done and Twilight will be waking up shortly.”

“Good.” And Rarity was also stirring. As soon as she was able, she stretched out on the bed and yawned. Aqua and Flo decided to leave before possibly freaking her out, so the only one Rarity saw when she pulled away her sleep mask was me.

“Oh, Nav. Why are you… Oh, I remember, now.” She sleepily smiled, then yawned again. “That was the best dream ever…”

“Glad you thought so. Twilight and I put a lot of work into making it that way. We’re done with our experiment now, so you’re free to write the dream in your journal if you want.”

“That’s one I never want to forget.” She finally sat up and used magic to float a small journal and pen over. “You two are always welcome in my dreams, if that’s how they’ll turn out!”

“It’s hard to put that much effort into every single dream, unfortunately. And of course, we had a small cheatsheet for you, so it was easier to hack.”

“I’d imagine so. Though it seems weird that you two would finally get into a relationship for my benefit. Still, I’m happy for the both of you, though I’d certainly urge not rushing into marriage.”

“Rarity, we’re not actually dating.”

She chuckled. “Oh, I know. You’re just so cute when you’re flustered. But you two would be a wonderful match.”

“Go fuck yourself.” I patted her tummy a few times and then started walking out. “See you later, marshmallow.”

“Until then, sweetie.”

Twilight managed to get undressed and was almost to me by the time I finally got out of Rarity’s room. “Well?” she asked.

“She woke up as soon as you removed the lockdown. She also remembers a good chunk of the dream.”

“Technically speaking, one test could do nothing but show that we had a lucky coincidence.”

“But realistically speaking, I’m calling this one proven. The dream lockdown does what we thought it did.”

“Agreed. Are we in Africa yet?”

“Sorta. We’re flying down the coast now, heading toward the river. We should be there shortly.”

She nodded. “If you don’t mind, I want to run some tests while we’re there. It’ll probably involve me and Taya being on the deck. If at any time you think things might become unsafe, I’ll take her downstairs immediately.”

“Ask Dash or Applejack to suit up and watch over you.”

“That’s a good idea. Now, I’m going to go take a shower and get breakfast. You’re welcome to join me in both, if you’re interested.”

“Kind of you to offer, but no thanks. I already ate and showered. I also need to find Watcher and Gourd to make sure things are going smoothly.”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later, Nav.” I nodded and she started heading back to her room while I went to the deck.

We arrived at the Congo right around the time the captain predicted we would. Somewhat unsurprisingly, there was a village pressed right up against the coast. Thankfully, the river opening probably spanned a kilometer and a half and the village was only on the south side. We stopped at the north side and started lowering the ship there so we didn’t have to deal with the natives. That said, Gilda and two of Watcher’s scouts kept their eyes on them the whole time and we stayed on full alert.

It felt weird to be in armor again after so long of being out of it. I’m not really sure if it was a good weird or a bad weird. Seeing Kat smiling darkly and occasionally stroking the crossbow was definitely a bad weird, but seeing the naga casually running a whetstone over his blade while staring over the side was a good one. Watching Gilda curl and flex her talons while hungrily staring at the village of gorillas and smaller monkeys was creepy, while hearing one of the guards telling a joke to the amusement of Spike and the other guards around him felt good.

It was a very strange dichotomy, one I wasn’t used to feeling while in my mental fight mode.

Zecora helped to break it when she walked over to me. “Many of the more intelligent races we’ll encounter in the first leg of our journey will likely be very territorial. Most will be primates. I’m sure you know of their nature firsthoof.”

“And I know that a good show of force will likely make them back off. Fear is powerful.”

“Indeed it is. Should it become necessary, I know the ways of this jungle and will be happy to assist in scaring them off with as few casualties on either side as possible.”

“That’s what I’d prefer. Do whatever you can.”

“I’ll begin preparing several mixtures. We can likely use the ballista bolts to deliver several magnificent effects that seem like magic but are actually just chemical reactions. That will likely be enough to scare many of them off.”

“Prepare quickly, then. The captain told me we’ll likely be ready to start moving again in an hour.”

“I shall be ready in time. Until then.” She walked back down.

Spike took her place. “Do you think they want to make you queen, too?”

“I fucking hope not. If a gorilla wanted to kidnap me and make me his blushing bride, I very highly doubt telling them I’m already in a committed relationship would work. I’m pretty sure one of those things would split me in half.”

“Yeah, probably. But don’t worry, Nav. We won’t let them lay a hoof on you.”

“They don’t have hooves.”

“...We won’t let them touch you.”

“I wasn’t particularly worried. Well, unless these guys happen to have magic. But Zecora’s on full alert this time, so if they do try to pull some stupid bullshit, hopefully she can wreck them. And if she can’t, I bet Flo will tear anyone apart that tries to hurt me. If not her, then the other elementals, to protect their last living creator.”

“I didn’t actually think of that… I bet you’re the most protected one here, aren’t you?”

“Probably. Hey, maybe this time, they’ll want a dragon king. Wouldn’t you love being married to a big gorilla babe that just loves being on top?”

“That sounds kinda scary, actually…”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. If you weren’t a dragon, she might well break your pelvis. I guess it would be a hell of a way to go.”

“Well, I’m not too worried, either. I know you’d come for me.”

“Yeah. I might let you have some fun first, though.”

The timely arrival of Jak cut off whatever Spike’s response might have been. “Oi dragon, get over here!” Half the deck looked over at his loud tone. He was limping to one of the siege weapons we had pointing over the side. Smiles was walking next to him, awkwardly holding a toolkit.

“Did he always have a limp?” Spike quietly asked.

“No. Go help him.”

“Alright.” He walked over there and the deck went back to relatively silent.

By the time the unicorns and pegasi were done with whatever preparations they needed to make, a good chunk of the villagers were on the river’s shore, staring up at us. None of them seemed to be holding any ranged weapons and from what I could see through my scope, they looked more scared than angry. I had a feeling they wouldn’t be following us up the river.

Finally, the ship started sinking in the air, slowly drifting closer to the water. Since we didn’t know how deep the river was, the plan was to stay just above the water and try to fly as far as possible. If the magic faltered, we wouldn’t have too far to fall before hitting water. If it didn’t falter, well, at least we were careful.

When we were around five meters above the surface of the river, the captain started ringing the ship’s alert bell. When he had everyone’s attention, he called out, “We’re about to start making headway into the continent. All nonessential and noncombat crew, please head belowdecks unless you have permission to be up top.” A few ponies started filtering down, leaving me, the guards, the naga, Spike, Gilda, Flo, Twilight, Taya, Applejack, and the captain. “For those of you that are left, prepare yourself. Nav?”

“We’re heading into the heart of the unknown, people. Fliers, keep your wings closed. Unicorns, use magic only in emergencies. Earth ponies, keep being awesome. Captain, take us down the river of darkness.”

“Aye aye, sir.”

And just like that, our trek finally began anew.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Five — Heart’s Vein

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Five — Heart’s Vein

Once the coastal village and all its inhabitants were behind us, the feeling on the deck went from tense to mostly relaxed. At the moment, we were in a fairly flat, plain-like area, so we had good sight lines. I could see the start of the jungle several kilometers ahead of us, so I knew the feeling wouldn’t last.

Gilda was already in one of the masts, since her eyes were probably the best on the ship. I was on the right side of the ship, covering that side with my rifle. Kat was on the left, covering it with Spike’s crossbow. We each had one guard squad with us, with another squad stationed at the back of the ship. The naga was standing in the very front of the ship. Watcher let Spike act as a wanderer, since his infrared vision would probably spot any life in the jungle before anyone else could. Of course, Spike had no clue what infrared vision even was. After all, how do you explain to someone that what they’ve been seeing all their life is abnormal?

Twilight and Taya were near the center of the ship, doing… something. I don’t know, I’m not a unicorn. Applejack was sitting on her haunches next to them, looking fairly unimpressed with the proceedings. Given the choice between an exciting exploratory mission into an unmapped and possibly dangerous continent and going back to farming apple trees, I’m honestly surprised she wasn’t at least a little happier with where she was. But I guess some people are content with being boring background characters.

Jak and Zecora were busying themselves around one of the ballistae. It was one on Kat’s side of the ship, so I couldn’t hear what they were discussing and I wasn’t in a hurry to take my eyes off the horizon for long to watch them. Jak knew plenty enough about siege weapons to not need my help and I couldn’t help Zecora anyway.

Flo was standing next to me, with two of her tendrils absentmindedly playing with my hair. As much as I hate to admit it, it felt good so I didn’t say anything, even if I wasn’t sure how she pulled it out of my helmet. “We’re going to be on this river for a while,” she said.

“Can you tell yet how far away your sister is from the river?”

“No. We also won’t be sure when the best time to leave is. We’ll just make a judgment call eventually. But Africa happens to be a very large continent. It’s entirely possible my sisters made the wrong guess about the river. We’ll make it work, though.”

“I’d certainly hope so. I still don’t see why you guys even need us. Seems like you could just flow down this river faster than we could fly down it and not get seen anyway.”

“Faster, definitely. Safer, not necessarily. There are weird things in this world, some of which can harm even us. Besides, this allows us to assist Zecora.”

“Eh. Don’t matter much to me, I guess. I’m fairly confident that if we have to fight anything, we’ll kill it before it can do us any damage. I just hope it won’t come to that.”

“We feel the same. Bloodshed is pointless when getting along is so much easier.”

“If you were a pony, I’d rub your belly because of how adorable that was. Unfortunately, a certain giant white sun-ass horse probably made several of the tribes along the river unfriendly with her imperialism. Or at least, unfriendly to pony ships.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Celestia didn’t mention them being unfriendly and she did say this Pertz fellow was sending trade shipments down this river.”

“Was. They mysteriously stopped. We don’t know if that’s because he went AWOL or if they’re getting waylaid by pissed off tribals. She also said she was trying to spread the light of civilization here. Look at how that turned out for us. And note how many pony colonies we’ve run into.”

“Fair points, I suppose. Which is why we’ve chosen to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.”

“Tch. More like prepare for and expect the worst. Anything better will be a pleasant surprise.”

She stopped playing with my hair and patted me on the shoulder. “It’s hard to take your pessimism seriously when your hair is braided so cutely.”

“Did you—” I actually reached back and felt that sure enough, she braided it. After taking a few seconds to wonder why I couldn’t have just been aborted, I let the braid go and went back to watching the plains. “I guess that’ll keep it out of my way more easily.”

“I think next time, I’ll do pigtails!”

“If you do that, I’ll have a threesome with Rain and Raine just to spite you.”

“You know I wouldn’t let you cum, right? And I’d tell Twilight not to let you for a little while, too.”

“Slut.”

She pinched my cheek before slithering off to do whatever she does when she isn’t torturing me.

Despite going at half speed, we got to the jungle fairly quickly. It wasn’t quite like a forest, which would just gradually build up until you couldn’t tell when you left the plain and entered the forest. No, there was a clear line of demarcation between these two.

Even with the river being as wide as it was, our balloon still brushed against several trees. After about half a kilometer down the river, the captain called for a stop and walked over to me. “We can’t keep hitting these trees, sir,” he said. “Our balloon is made of some stern stuff, but if we get a blowout here, we’re sitting ducks.”

“Our options are going higher or lower,” I said. “Unless the unicorns can do enough magic to keep the trees out of our way without blowing us up.”

“I was thinking we could have two or three of us on the balloon, cutting back the trees,” the captain said.

“If they fall, they’re fucked. Flight’s gonna be wonky here. We’re low enough that they’ll probably survive the fall with maybe a broken bone or two, but getting them out of the water before something gets them will be the trick.”

Flo decided to show up again. “You forget our utility, Nav,” she said. “We can slice the trees away easily, or just push them aside as we get close. Some of us will need to be on the sides to prevent any of the ponies from getting smacked in the face by a branch. Some will be on the balloon, to protect it.”

“What about Aerie? Think she could also help?”

“Of course she could. Whether or not she will, though…”

“Talk to your sisters. I’ll handle Aerie. Well, if it’s okay with the captain.” We both looked his way.

“Perfectly fine with me, sir. I’m interested in seeing these things in action.”

Flo nodded. “We won’t disappoint.” Since most of her sisters were still chilling on the hull, she flowed over the side and quickly disappeared from view.

“Be ready to move,” I said. The captain nodded and walked back up to the wheel. “Hey Applejack!”

Applejack, Taya, and Twilight looked over to me. “Whaddaya need?” AJ asked, trotting up to me.

“Can you go find Pinkie and ask her to send Aerie up to the deck? Unfortunately, I need her assistance.”

“Ya sure you wanna trust that thing?”

“No. She’s a psychopathic lunatic. And Aerie isn’t much better. But when I said I needed her assistance, unfortunately, I meant it.”

“Then I’ll go wrangle ‘em up. It’ll be good to get outta this heat for a second anyway.”

“Farm girl like you not like the heat?” I said, trying to smile. It was kinda hard, because I was feeling the heat too.

“I’m used to some heat. I ain’t used to some heat in armor and weather that’s so humid it feels like I’m underwater. See y’all in a sec.” She trotted back to the stairs and quickly disappeared from sight.

A minute or so later, I felt a slight breeze that quickly coalesced around my wings, stroking the feathers with a cool embrace. “I heard a friend needed assistance,” Aerie said, her voice gently tickling my ears.

“I do. We need a clear path to fly down. Too many trees means flying is dangerous. The waters will be helping, but I’d prefer someone that can fly up there. Would you mind lending a hand?”

“Hm… Sounds boring.”

“If we can’t save all the waters, we sure as shit can’t save the fires. The last water is on this continent and we need to go down this river to get to her.”

“Hmmm…”

“Also, you can play with Spike again.”

“Deal! I do so enjoy the way he squirms.”

“But only after you’re done clearing stuff.” She giggled and the breeze around my wings vanished, leaving a strange ache in my loins.

Applejack finally got back to the deck and looked around for a moment before walking up to me. “Did she come talk to you? She said she would, but…”

“She’s supposed to be clearing for us now. Thanks.”

“Here’s hopin’ she don’t decide to drop something right on top of us, thinking it’d be funny.”

“Amen to that. We got the waters helping, so hopefully they’ll keep her in check. Just keep an eye on Twilight and Taya. Most of the people on deck are smart enough to get out of the way. Those two are so used to magic that they’d probably try to put a shield up and not even think to move.”

“Yep. I’ll watch ‘em. If I have to, I’ll protect ‘em myself. This armor means I won’t feel much’a nothin’.”

“Don’t put too much faith in that. It’s still a whole lot better to not get hit.”

“True enough. Talk to ya in a bit, Nav.” She started walking back to my daughter and the purple one.

When I looked back up to the captain, he was staring at me. I sent him a thumbs up. He tilted his head slightly. It took me a second to realize he had no clue what that meant. When I did, I waved forward and nodded.

He understood that, and we started moving. As soon as we did, a wall of water shot up the sides of the ship, slicing all the branches that were touching us. Some of the elementals stayed on the sides while others continued up to the balloon. They all lost their humanoid shapes and became straight blobs of water as they stretched to fuck up any branch that might get close to us. A wave of birds and other animals quickly started spreading away from our path as the destruction spread down the river.

One of the elementals happened to stop right next to me and hung over the side. I wasn’t sure which one it was. “I imagine we’d make a hell of a sight for any locals,” I said as I turned my eyes back to the underbrush.

“Hopefully as a curiosity and not as a threat,” she replied. “You do not know me.”

“I don’t. Not all of you guys have gone out of your way to introduce yourselves to me.” And them living on the bottom of the ship isn’t conducive to me taking the first step.

She turned a small hint of pink. “Some of us are shy.”

“Are you one of the shy ones?”

That light pink immediately went bright pink. “...My name is River.”

“Nice to formally meet you. If you ever want to talk, you don’t need to feel shy around me. Well, unless you want to.”

She picked up just a hint of green, turning her into a slightly sick-looking color. “It’s just… you’re…”

“Several million years younger than you and practically a baby in comparison? A being ripped out of time and placed where he doesn’t belong? A tranny?”

“My savior. And one of my creators. Your existence is overwhelming. I am not the only one who feels that way. Many of us were trapped for a long time. You alone had the power to motivate our sisters to act. When our family left us behind, one of our creators saw that his children were in danger and acted to save us. That you went through such hardships to do so proves your devotion. Some of us feel incapable of repaying our debt, and it humbles us, who once saw ourselves as goddesses. We have no desire to waste your time, father.”

I blinked. Flo, do you guys really see me as a father figure?

“This is the first I’ve heard of it. I do not, and I know Brook, Ice, Mist, and Naiad do not. I doubt Rain and Raine do. But Cascade, River, Waterfall, and Carl do not usually voice their opinions during our talks.”

I laid a hand on the water holding River to the ship. “I’d be happy to make time for you guys.” Her watery form started quivering slightly, so I pulled back. “If you ever want to talk, just find me. Though I can’t promise I’ll have anything interesting to say.”

She stayed silent and slowly turned blue again as we continued down the river.

We traveled for two hours before encountering the next snippet of sapient life. And by snippet, I mean two monkeys that swung onto our deck from a vine on one of the trees we were passing. One was a large baboon that was carrying a smaller monkey on his back, of a type I didn’t recognize.

As soon as they hit the deck, my gun was on them, Spike jumped in front of them and readied himself to blow flame, the guard squad on my side surrounded them, and Ames swung his monstrous sword threateningly. Kat and her squad looked our way momentarily before realizing we had it covered, then they went back to watching for more trouble.

While we were getting ready, the smaller monkey slid off the baboon, who held up a wooden spear toward Spike and hissed menacingly, showing off some massive fangs. The smaller one hovered close to the large one’s back, slowly looking from pony to pony before settling on Ames. “Why are you destroying our trees?” he called out with a surprisingly deep voice.

“Because they’re in our way,” I said. “We can’t go too high and we need to follow the river. Destroying them is the only way we can keep moving.”

That told the monkey who the ship’s leader was, I guess. He turned to me and said, “We can ask them to move if you give us time.”

I kinda want to know, but honestly, I’m not surprised by much of anything anymore. “You have ten minutes.”

“It will take five, traveler. EEE!” The baboon grabbed the smaller one and bounded off the side, jumping right back into the trees.

“Captain, stop the ship!”

“Aye aye, Nav.” We quickly slid to a halt.

“River, tell your sisters what’s what. And Aerie, if you can find her. Ask them to stay where they are, in case we need them, but to stop destroying trees until they get back in our way.”

“At once.” She oozed up the balloon to spread the word while Zecora walked over to me.

“Is this a madremonte?” I asked.

“Unlikely. These kinds of monkeys use trees to get across the river and to hide from ground-level predators. Their druids will likely commune with the tree spirits and ask them to sway their branches.”

“Why not ask the dryads?”

“Because dryads are a special kind of spirit that exist only in the Everfree. Or at least, that’s what I have found so far. I do not make a habit of communing with nature. Many spirits are fickle and most have no use for those of us that are sapient.”

“If the trees don’t listen to the druids, how pissed will the monkeys be if we keep destroying them?”

“Very. But I doubt they’ll do anything. They may be primitive in some ways, but they are not stupid. They can see that we have metal armor and they can certainly see that we have a dragon. Compare that to their wooden weapons. However, it is still wise to avoid making enemies, if possible.”

“That’s why we’re letting them get their shit together. Well, that, and to give the elementals a chance to rest. I don’t think they can get tired, but just in case.”

“We’ll have to have the monkeys clear the path on the way back out, too…”

“It won’t matter if they’re enemies, then. I’d still rather not fuck up their home, but if we’re in a hurry, that sure as shit won’t stop me. As it is, we have all the time in the world.” Not that we’d need it, though; the tree branches ahead of us were quickly swinging out of our way, all down the river. “Get us moving, Gourd,” I called up to the wheel. He saluted real quick and we started back up. “Watch those treelines. I am not in the mood to get ambushed by monkeys.”

“Don’t like being a queen, sir?” one of the guards catcalled. Several of them laughed.

“Sorry, what was that? It sounds like you’re asking to be assigned as Rarity’s model.” Several more of them laughed at that. “And hell no I don’t want to be a queen again. You don’t know hell until you’ve had to be forced into a tight dress, covered in makeup, and then get forced to spend hours with tiny monkeys awkwardly hitting on you. Shit was awful.”

“You prefer tiny ponies hitting on you?” one of them asked.

“At least you guys have decent sized dicks. If I’m gonna be forced into a woman’s body, I might as well enjoy some of the perks. Even if the flare sucks.”

“Wait, humans don’t have flares?” one asked.

“I’m very much not in the mood for an anatomy lesson. When I find a way to get my dick back, I’ll let you all watch me cum on Doppel’s face.”

Some of them probably wanted to reply to that, but the same set of monkeys jumped back on our ship the same way. Our reaction this time was less severe, but several of the guards moved to intercept them should they try anything.

“Is there something else you need?” I asked.

“Information and trade, if possible,” the smaller monkey said when he slid off the larger one’s back.

“Zecora, you got an African shopping list?” I asked.

She shook her head. “My knowledge of the plants in my home continent is restricted to the plains around my village. I have all the basics I need, otherwise.”

I looked around the deck. “Anyone want a souvenir?”

None of the guards seemed interested, but Twilight stepped forward. “Rarity would. And I’m interested in the magic you used to make the trees move.”

“I know nothing of the druidic ways,” the monkey said. “Their secrets are only for their order.”

“Go get Rarity,” I told her. She sighed and started heading down. “What information do you need?” I asked the guy.

“Many of us are interested in why a pony ship is traveling down the river. Many more of us are interested in why you allowed us to move the trees, rather than paving blindly ahead.”

“This isn’t a pony ship. It happens to have a largely pony crew, but I’m the leader and I sure as hell ain’t no horse. The flag we’re flying isn’t an Equestrian one. I let you move the trees because I’ve seen a lot of cultures with a lot of customs and a lot of traditions. I figure these trees are probably important and I’d rather not mess you guys up if I can avoid it. Also, because we’re probably coming back this way on our return trip and I’d rather you guys not be pissed when we do.”

“There is little we could do against warriors such as yourselves, but thank you. Why are you traveling down our Heart’s Vein? Perhaps we could help you.”

“We’re hunting a pony criminal named Pertz.” The baboon flinched and made some kind of symbol with his hands. “The leader of the ponies found out what he’s doing to obtain his trade goods and she’s very displeased. We’re here to drag him to a trial back in Equestria. Information about what’s ahead would be nice, if you have it.”

The little monkey looked around the ship again before settling his gaze back on me. “If you want to take Pertz away, you might need more spear-hands. He has seduced a tribe of elephants and another of hippos.” I slowly looked over at Zecora, who had a very ambivalent expression. When the monkey continued, I turned my gaze back on him. “And he turned his once-peaceful tribe into a dark blight of war. They’ll likely be happy to accept any ponies as visitors, but they might not like the demon-ponies that serve you.”

“Bat ponies are way too adorable to be demons. Do you think the tribals would continue serving him if we proved that he’s not a god?”

“...He’s not a god?”

“Hell no. That little shithead’s just a normal pony that got a little bit too much power. That’s why I’m here to arrest him. The only pony that could actually be considered a god sent me to do it.” Even then, I refuse to worship anything that can be tickled into submission.

The monkey shook his head. “I truly do not understand quadrupeds.”

“No fucking kidding.”

“If they could learn to live as one with the land, as we do, perhaps our spear-hands would not be needed.” Applejack lifted a hoof to say something, then realized her hoof had metal armor on it. She shook her head and lowered the hoof. “Perhaps metal instruments of war and destructions would be unnecessary.” Spike looked at one of the ballistas and then looked down. “Perhaps my kind could live once again in peace.” Twilight almost said something, but then caught sight of Taya’s cutie mark and decided better of it.

But I shook my head, then took off my helmet and one of my gauntlets. “You and I share similar blood, brother.” His eyes widened when he realized what I was. “There is no calming the heart of discord within our kind. We were built for fighting. Tell me that none of your kind raised a weapon against another before the ponies came. Tell me so I can call you a liar. Ponies didn’t bring violence and conflict here. They just changed it. And I’m sure your kind changed quickly to match it. Such is the gift of our simian blood.”

The baboon grinned, showing off his large fangs, but the smaller one looked somewhat sickened. “You consider this mindset a gift, sister? The ability to kill without feeling?”

“Stagnation is a curse forced upon the world by those who feel no conflict. Progress and change is a predator’s tool. Revel in it, and excel the way only one born with this burning need in his heart can.”

He shook his head. “We may share some blood, but I feel no relation. It sounds as though you are lost, sister.”

“I am lost in time, yes. Once upon a time, my people ruled this world. Now, we are no more. Only our influence remains. But lost in temperament? In the past, perhaps. I’ve found my place, now.”

“Leading a ship of sell-spears, doing dirty work for a dark pony goddess?”

“Leading a ship of powerful and experienced soldiers, helping a beautiful pony princess correct mistakes. This one will save several lives and end an evil man’s influence.”

“Perhaps you should take a look at yourself and reconsider what you call evil.”

“I am not evil, little one. I solve problems. Violence just happens to be my preferred method.”

It’s probable that he would have had a response, but the arrival of Twilight with Rarity and Pinkie nipped it in the bud. Of course, both of them practically leapt across the ship to ogle him. “You’re so cuuuute!” Pinkie yelled, reaching a hoof out to poke him. The baboon snatched that hoof and glared at her, making her grin take a guilty turn.

Rarity took that warning and stopped herself from trying to hug the poor guy. Instead, she backed up slightly, cleared her throat, and turned her smile down a notch. “So I hear you want to trade,” she said.

The monkey cast a suspicious stare at Pinkie, who was shaking her hoof to try to dislodge the baboon. Then he looked at me for a moment before sadly shaking his head and turning back to the white horse. “If you have any items of interest, we’d be happy to compensate you.”

“I have plenty of spider-silk fabric I’d be happy to part with, if you have anything of interest…”

At this point, Pinkie was pulling backwards, trying to make the baboon let go. Spike was watching with some concern, but no one else was paying them any mind.

“We’d be very interested,” the monkey said. “Dyes, jewelry, exotic foods, ivory, fur, leather… I’m not quite sure what a pony would want.”

“What’s leather?” Rarity asked. Pinkie was resorting to using her puppydog eyes on the baboon, who was steadfastly ignoring her.

“Don’t worry about it,” I quickly said. “I can guarantee that you aren’t interested.”

Rarity tutted. “You said that about anime, dear.”

The monkey shrugged and said, “Leather is dried animal flesh. We usually use our… What’s wrong?”

Rarity was looking kinda sick. “N-nothing…”

“...We usually use our predators. There are many animals that think we are easy prey. We prove them wrong, and use their bones to make tools, their fur to make clothing, and their skin to make rope.”

“That’s very… macabre,” Rarity evenly said, trying to hide her disgust and succeeding in only showing distaste.

“We survive.”

“...Well, I’d certainly be interested in… some of what you have. Would you mind coming to look at my fabric?”

“Happily.” He looked over to his guard and Pinkie. She was back to using her full body weight to pull away from him and also shaking her hoof. The baboon didn’t even seem to be struggling. “Let her go.” He did so and Pinkie fell backwards and rolled a few times, because she’s controlled by cartoon physics. The small one looked back at Rarity and said, “Shall we?”

“By all means! Come along…” She started walking down. The small monkey jumped back onto the baboon and they followed her.

“Spike, go with them,” I said.

He blinked in surprised. “But—”

“Go. Protect Rarity.” He shrugged and followed them down. I didn’t expect them to do anything, but having a dragon there would ensure it.

“Your tale cowed them well,” Zecora said when they got through the door. “Fear is useful when you don’t expect to return often.”

“I’d say it had the intended effect, yeah.”

Pinkie hopped up next to us. “Ooh, is Navi telling stories again?”

I poked her on the nose. “It’s dangerous for you to be out here. Go back below.” I finally put my gauntlet back on, followed by my helmet.

Of course, she went all frowny on me. “But then I’ll miss story-time! You always have the best ones…”

Zecora gently wrapped a hoof around Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m afraid it’s already too late,” she said as she started walking, dragging Pinkie along toward the stairwell. “But it was a dark tale, unpleasant to hear. Perhaps, if you behave, I will tell you a story later from my people. A tale of a shaman in love.”

“Is it a happy story?” Pinkie hopefully asked.

“That depends entirely upon where I decide to end it. But that story’s tapestry is still being woven, and it seems pointed to a satisfiable ending.”

Pinkie sighed happily as she started walking down the stairs, alone. “I like happy endings…”

Zecora turned her back on Pinkie and started walking back to the main deck. “Satisfiable is not the same as happy,” she quietly replied.

After we dropped off the monkeys, we didn’t run into any more wildlife. We successfully made it to night with no issues at all. Which, as it happened, brought an issue that I hadn’t really considered.

Watcher, Brook, Gourd, Zecora, and I convened in the main planning room when the sun finally went down. We hadn’t quite gotten above the equator yet, so I was being kept awake by Flo at the moment.

“Flying good?” I asked as soon as we all got settled.

“Yes sir,” Gourd replied with a nod. “But as expected, our magic started getting finicky a few kilometers down the river. The ship hasn’t had any issues flying yet, but I’m not confident enough to pull us out from over the river.”

“And security isn’t an issue,” I said. “We got plenty of stares and we ran into those monkeys earlier, but nothing attacked us and nothing looked more dangerous than we could handle.”

Watcher nodded. “As expected. The farthest most jungle races have gotten into metallurgy is copper. Our steel will beat it any day.”

“Unless you anger the druids,” Zecora quietly said. “Though our elementals will likely be more than enough defense against their trees.”

“We can hold the line,” Brook said. “As long as you can defend us from direct magic attacks.”

“Which brings us to the point of this meeting,” Gourd said. “We had our heavy hitters on defense today. You, Kat, the naga, and Spike were all out. That’s all of our ranged combat capability, minus the ballistas that aren’t pinpoint accurate. We also had three of the five squads. We can’t use magic to keep you guys awake, so we don’t have any ranged defense at the moment. We’ll also be missing more than half the actual crew soon, in case the flight spell fails and we have to go into the water. Do we want to stop for the night in a place we’re pretty sure is safe, and have the two squads watching the deck in case of intruders? Or do we want to take the risk and keep moving further in?”

Watcher looked to me, but didn’t say anything. I turned to Brook. “How far are we from your sister?”

“If we stop at night and continue at our current speed just during the day, it’ll take us at least four more days until we get to a point where I’ll feel comfortable moving on our own. Do not forget that we can act as defenders as well. There are enough of us that we can focus on the branches and on defense. And of course, our eyes do not work as yours do, so there is no need to worry about the lack of light.”

“Noted. Zecora, what are the chances of us running into anything overly hostile if we continue at the present pace overnight?”

“Given the monkey’s words earlier, I am no longer certain if there are still peaceful tribes in the plains. We’ll likely see the jungle begin thinning out soon, though we’ll hit more patches of trees later. Soon, we’ll pass into the lands of the lion kings. They’re territorial, but will have no means of enforcing their will on a boat, flying or not. They’re likely busy with their own politics, so they should have little cause to bother us.”

“As long as Simba keeps to his little hill, I’m happy,” I said.

“Last I heard, Simba had vanished after Mufasa’s death,” she said. I hate this place.“One called Taka rules. But that is of no concern to us.”

“Tch. Hopefully Kerchak won’t bother us, then. I’d hate to run into the missing link.”

She lifted an eyebrow and slowly said, “We passed through Kerchak’s territory earlier. That coastal village was one of his.” Flo, would you stop me if I tried killing myself again? “I’m surprised you even know these names. I didn’t think Celestia would consider it pertinent.”

“Alright, whatever. Can you answer the original question or not?”

“This ship is very well armored. It is bristling with weapons and it’s very obviously a warship. I believe the chances of us running into anything that will risk attacking us this night is low. And in the jungle, anything we pass that sees us destroying trees in front of us with water will think long and hard about their chances of success.”

“Watcher?” I finally asked, since we had the information needed.

“Security-wise, I believe we’re good to go. If we are attacked, I’m confident that my soldiers, along with the elementals, can drive them off. Flight-wise, I’m less confident. If we hit a patch of anti-magic that’s stronger than usual, we could fall out of the sky. Only three crew members will be up and active, compared to the four during the day.”

“Not so,” Gourd quickly interjected. “Nav put one of them in a magical coma a day or two ago and she still hasn’t woken up. There were only three out today, myself included.” Watcher blinked.

“And to add to that, what the fuck could the crewmates during the day do about that, anyway?” I asked. “Gourd?”

He shrugged. “Basically nothing. If we go down, we go down. All we can do is make sure we didn’t hit the riverbed and that there are no holes in the hull. Three can do that nearly as well as four. There’s only so much ground to cover, after all.”

Watcher nodded. “Then I say we keep moving.”

“Agreed. Gourd, get your crew ready. Watcher, get your troops ready. Brook, get your elementals in place, if they aren’t still there. Zecora, decide if you’re white with black stripes or black with white stripes.” Gourd and Watcher nodded and walked out. Brook probably didn’t like being ordered around, but it was something she was going to do anyway, so she just left. Zecora got a very confused look on her face, then lifted up one of her legs to stare at it. I left before things could get weird.

Somewhat surprisingly, both Taya and Twilight were in my room. “What do you two need?” I asked as I started to remove my armor.

“I’d like to report our initial findings, if you’re interested,” Twilight said.

“And I want to be tucked in,” Taya said.

“I’m not particularly interested in your magical findings, unless you have a way of fixing it. Do you honestly think I’d understand more than the occasional word?”

“...Fair point. I’d also like to discuss the dream magic, but you can meet me in my room for that when you’re done with Taya.” And by that, she meant that she was going to fuck me again.

“Of course. I’ll be along shortly.”

Twilight nodded. “Goodnight, Taya.” With that, she walked out, leaving me to finish removing my armor.

“Can you actually do dream magic here?” Taya asked.

“It’s not actually magic, so probably.”

She furrowed her brows. “What do you mean, it’s not magic?”

“Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s magic, Taya. The device we’re using as an interface was created by humans. We didn’t have magic there at the end. It’s pure technology. That said, I have no idea how it works, either.”

“Then how do you know it’s not magic? Maybe they figured it out.”

“And just because you don’t want to be wrong doesn’t mean you can throw logic out the window. Which is more likely: They used crazy weird technology to plug directly into the minds of races they purposefully built using more crazy weird technology, or they rediscovered the power of clapping your hands and believing in a time when hope was dead and no one believed in any powers anymore?”

She shrugged. “You can’t explain it either, daddy. I’m just saying it might be magic.”

“See, shit like this is why people believed a magic sky-wizard created everything. But whatever. You’re technically right. I can’t explain it and I guess there’s a small, theoretical chance that it might be magic. But I can’t do magic, and I can use the dream thing.” I finally tossed the last piece of armor on my bed, since I wasn’t expecting to be sleeping there.

“I know you could if you tried, daddy. And real magic can move mountains, if you just have the faith for it.”

I scoffed. “Maybe. I’ve never seen faith do anything to a mountain, but I have seen what it’ll do to skyscrapers.” She blinked. “Let’s get you to bed.” I picked her up and put her over one of my shoulders, then carried her next door, to her room. She had been too lazy to make her bed, so I just plopped her down in it. “I kinda doubt you want the covers up, because even I’m feeling pretty hot here.”

She nodded. “The magic air flow stopped working, I think.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll survive. But if you want, I can shave you in the morning. I bet that’ll keep you cool.”

She looked down at her flank and then back up to me. “Would my cutie mark still be there if you did?”

“Yes. Twilight fucked up a spell before I met you that made her completely bald, and she still had it. She just made us promise not to talk about it, because it was hilarious and she hates fun.”

“I bet she didn’t think it was funny…”

“She threatened to shave both me and Spike because we were laughing so hard. He escaped by having no hair. I escaped by hiding in Luna’s tail.”

“She didn’t see you in Luna’s tail? It’s not exactly large…”

“Oh no, she saw me. But when she got the razor close to Luna’s butt, she quickly realized she made a mistake. Luna did something to her to disable her magic, then teleported her across town so she had to walk back, completely hairless. I’ve never seen a pony turn so red before, and it wasn’t just the sunburn. She was still pretty fucking red after Luna healed that part away. Not quite sure if it was from anger or embarrassment, but either way, Luna regrew her fur, threatened to burn it off if she lifted a razor to me again, then left.”

“...What happened to Luna, daddy? Why did she go crazy?”

“You can only go unappreciated for so long before it starts to get to you. She jumped at the first show of affection from someone, which happened to be the corrupting influence of whatever Nightmare Moon was. Then she jumped at the second showing of affection when she got back, which happened to be me. There’s a darkness in her heart and a stain on her soul that I wish I knew about before I met her. I would have handled things very differently.”

“Do you think she could still be helped?”

“Luna has love in her heart. She cares for her subjects. She cares about her guards. She can be helped. That was never the question, not to me. To me, it’s whether or not I could bring myself to try after what she’s done to me.” I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, avoiding her horn. “Goodnight, Taya. I’ll make sure you have sweet dreams.”

“But not like Rainbow Dash?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I patted her tummy before walking over to the exit, killing the lights, and shutting the door.

The halls were abnormally empty, for the time of day. It was technically dark, but it was fairly early in the night. Normally, bat ponies, Twilight’s friends, the crew members, or one of my weird friends would be out and about. But most of them had been on watch since we got to Africa, and they knew they’d have to be on watch all day the next day, so they were presumably getting what rest they could. Twilight’s friends were probably depressed about having to be inside all day, minus Applejack, who was definitely depressed about having to be on the ship at all.

All of that just meant I got to Twilight’s room with no interruptions. She was already on the bed, sporting her black lingerie and holding a riding crop with a hoof. I let myself in and eased the door shut behind me.

“I can’t turn you into a pony tonight,” she said. “Or the rest of the time we’re here, for that matter.”

“I’m aware. So what’s going to happen to the honesty in your book?”

She idly swatted the bed with the crop before shifting slightly. “The book doesn’t have to be in chronological order. There are things a human’s body can do that a pony’s can also achieve. And there is something I would like to begin working on, if I have your permission. It would be an ongoing process.”

“I’m listening.” She pulled the blankets away from part of her bed, revealing a row of buttplugs ranging in size from small to plump. “...I’m still listening.”

“I want to start training you to tolerate, if not enjoy, anal. As I discovered myself, it’s something you have to start slow. Not all mares will enjoy it, even if they give it every chance in the world. But I want you to try.” She lifted the smallest of the toys up. “I’ll start you here, to stretch you out. Every night, some time during our session, I’ll toy with that hole to test you. I’ll stop as soon as you tell me to, as long as I know you’re actually giving it a chance. During the day, you’ll leave one of these in you, unless you have my permission not to. If I find that you remove one without permission—and a very good reason, of course—you’ll go up a size or two until I believe you’ve learned your lesson.” She set the toy down. “Of course, I don’t expect you to do this without something in return. I know it’s a large mental block for you to overcome. For every week of good behavior on your end, I’ll wear a discreet remote controlled vibrator for a single day that you can play with as much as you want.”

“...Can I pick the day?”

“Yes, but it can’t be two days in a row and days won’t carry over if you don’t use them.”

I sighed and nodded. “Deal, on the condition I can back out whenever I want.”

She finally smiled. “Of course, Nav. I wouldn’t ask you to do it if I expected you to completely hate it and I wouldn’t demand you keep doing it if you found it intolerable.” The smile dipped slightly and she slapped one of my thighs with the crop. “Just remember, of course, that I’m the dom here.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I started disrobing. “I just have one request for tonight. Keep this session relatively short. It’s fucking hot.”

She smirked and slowly trailed the crop down my smooth stomach. “I think I want to see you sweat, my pretty little human. But I’ll keep that request in mind.” She hopped off the bed and pushed me toward it. “On your hands and knees. Let’s see how stretchy you are…”

By the time I got to the deck in the morning, we were past the jungle. The sun was beating down on the front of the ship and I resolved to stay under the balloon for as long as possible. Around us was a large savannah, lit a dull orange and yellow from the rising sun. There were trees, of course, but they were mostly out in the distance. Several animals were roaming around, foraging in the morning light, but none were paying us any mind and none of them seemed sapient.

Zecora was standing on the right side of the ship, looking over the side with an unreadable expression. It was the changing of the guard, so everyone else was milling about, waiting to be assigned their spots. They weren’t all that pressing at the moment, so I walked over to the beleaguered zebra.

She heard my boots loudly clomping over, of course. “It has been many long years since I beheld my home,” she calmly said.

“I’m glad we could give you the chance. No one deserves to be exiled.”

“Not I… and not you.”

“I was given a chance to make peace with the one person that truly mattered.”

“I was not. Nor will I ever be. The only one that truly mattered to me is long since gone. But I will finally have the chance to revenge myself upon the one who took him from me.”

My hands tightened around the grip of my rifle. “Say the word, and he won’t make it back to Equestria. Or if you’d prefer, Kat can make sure he survives the trip, but wishes he didn’t.”

She shook her head. “He will live. Making him a slave to the changelings is enough for me.”

“I guess with age comes wisdom, or something. Or maybe tolerance.”

She shook her head. “Time cools anger. I spent a very long time wanting to hurt him. In the end, I decided I would be better served helping those he hurt instead.”

I shrugged. “This is your subplot, not mine. We’ll resolve it your way, if that’s at all possible. So how long do we have before we get there?”

“Less than a week. It is likely that we’ll lose the support of our elementals before we arrive.”

“Well that’s shitty. But with luck, there won’t be any fighting anyway. Assuming, you know, we can actually prove this guy isn’t a god or anything.”

She pursed her horsey lips. “There are two options for dealing with him, depending on his mental state. If you tell him that you are a divine messenger here to return him to the sun goddess, his slaves will likely expect him to go with you. If he remembers that he’s not actually a god, that won’t end up working. The other option is going in with the intent of disproving his godliness, which I can definitely do. And if I can’t, then your ring can.”

“I can see a third option, a sort of addendum to the first one. According to that monkey we met earlier, the bat ponies we have are demonic. With my dragon armor, I look evil. We could very well act as a crew of demons here to punish him.”

“...Truly, my goal was to disprove the idea of ponies as gods entirely. Making my tribe believe the ponies have demons as soldiers would be counterproductive.”

“Fair. Kat’s people are probably known here. The naga are almost definitely known here. Same for dragons. Those three, me, you in disguise, Applejack as a normal pony, and maybe a single squad as support. They probably have no idea what a changeling is, so we can have Doppel as a backup Celestia in case shit goes south, if she can transform here. She won’t be able to do magic, but I bet Pertz will piss himself if he thinks she came for him personally.”

She nodded. “That sounds like a viable group. Shame we can’t bring Gilda, Twilight, or Watcher.”

“I know, right? Gilda’s a good fighter, but a griffin’s strength is in her wings. Twilight’s magic would be useful, but I’m not going to risk her being unable to do anything and just getting in the way. Watcher could come, but if we’re going to be stuck with a magicless unicorn, I’d rather it be one that’s younger and can run faster.”

“Of course, your team does have one problem: You. None of them will know what you are and it will make them suspicious.”

“We’re flying down the river in a warship. They’re gonna be fucking suspicious no matter what we do. But I don’t look like a demon and I can handle myself in a fight. And those monkeys we passed were spearchuckers, probably unused to seeing swords. No one is used to seeing a rifle. So I can probably get in there with my main weapons without it being much of a bother. And of course, it’s entirely possible that Pertz has heard of me. As far as he knows, he’s still on the good side of the princess.”

“All true. Then I believe we are prepared.”

“Hope so. Though you might want to bring it up with Watcher to see if he has any thoughts.”

She nodded. “I believe I will go see if he’s awake now.” Before leaving, she cast another long look out over the plains. “It doesn’t feel like home anymore…”

“Home is where you feel you belong, not where you were born. It took me too long to realize that.”

“Wisdom does not come from age. It comes from living life. I will see you later, Nav.”

She turned to go, but I said, “Just a sec.” She stopped. “What would you do if I rubbed your belly?”

“Probably enjoy it.” She finally left.

Apparently Spike showed up some time while we were talking, because he asked, “Why don’t you ever rub my tummy?”

It seems that he got a good poker face from somewhere. Or at least, I hope he did, because the other explanation is that he’s actually that retarded. “Spike, you’re a dragon.”

“...So?”

“So you have scales.” I reached out and poked his arm. “Did you even feel that?”

“Well… Barely.” He gasped and grinned. “Oh, I could rub yours!”

“No.”

“Why not? I’ve given you massages before. You always seemed to like them.”

“That’s—” ...actually not a bad point. “Remember the last time you gave me a massage and I ended up very horny?”

“Yeah. It was funny.”

“Maybe to you. Now that I have Doppel, I guess I could go for it, but I’d still prefer not to.”

“Well I mean… I could handle it. I remember another time when I gave you a massage, you said not to touch your wings unless I was willing to go the rest of the way. Well, I found a few books about it and I know the basics.”

I didn’t really have an immediate response to that, so I stared out into the plains for a few seconds. Finally, I asked, “Why me?”

“What do you mean?”

When I looked back at him, he seemed pretty confused. “There are a lot of chicks on board that would be willing to have sex with you and some that might be interested in more. Why on earth would you be doing this with me instead of them?”

“...Because you’re my friend, and making you feel good makes me feel good. I have all my life ahead of me to find a dragon to love, one I can grow with. But before too long, I’ll be too big to do stuff like this with you.”

“No offense bro, but that’s kinda gay.”

He shook his head. “Nav, you can’t just blow sappy and friendly stuff aside by calling it gay.”

“You’d be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Spike.”

“Hmph. You owe me anyway. And I wanna collect by rubbing your belly!”

“Man, I don’t owe you shit. I have a very accurate debt memory, and you aren’t on it.”

“...Aerie came to my room last night.”

I flinched slightly. “Alright, yeah, fair enough. But of all the things you could do, why on earth would you pick that?”

He shrugged. “You wouldn’t let me do it any other way and I think it’ll be funny to watch you squirm like you make ponies do.”

“Weirdo. Fine. But not now. Maybe tonight.”

He decided to mock me with a claw pump. “See you then, Nav!”

When he left, I saw Ames hovering next to me on the other side, a sly grin on his face. “I don’t need your judgment, you giant fucking fish monster.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I put a finger on his lips to shut him up. “If the next words that come out of your mouth involve accepting the right gendered lover or finding happiness in being a subservient mate, I’m going to go have sex with Pinkie or Twilight on your bed. Or maybe Gilda, so you’ll find feathers everywhere. I’m not in a relationship, I’m not looking for one, and I enjoy sex regardless of the gender or species of the person I’m with.” Since he has some terrifying teeth, I decided to remove my finger, even though I was wearing a gauntlet.

“I advise cleaning your armor more often, human. Your finger smells strange.”

Let’s see, which mare was that…? “Noted. Now, do you have any words to say other than unwelcome advice about my relationship status? Or do I need to go warm your bed up for you?”

“Truly, the way of other races confuses me,” he sighed, shaking his head. “You need not flaunt your… un-naga-ness on my bed. It begins to seem to me that other races do not share our race’s innate aversion to such accidents. Our population is low. Our enemies are many. Diseases run rampant. Our people must breed. Personal desires take a back seat to obligations to the clan.”

“...So you think killing them is a viable alternative to them providing nothing to the clan but free labor?”

“Not doing your duty to breed means you have betrayed the clan. Why keep one that can only provide labor when you have others that can provide labor and children?”

“So what happens to the elderly? Those too old to breed and too weak to provide labor?”

He shook his head. “To a naga, elderly are a gift. There are so few that survive to an age old enough to become infirm. Their wisdom must be as preserved as possible, and respect is due to those who have done their all.”

I nodded. “Other races do not share your aversion to homosexuality, naga. My people numbered in the billions. Ponies seem to be the dominant race, and their population is stable enough that elderly are common. Same for all the other races. I understand disliking it. I grew up around people like your clan, and for a while, that’s how I felt because of it. I got over it. Love is love, man. Sex and breeding are nothing but a byproduct of it, for the most part. And trying to force someone to love who they don’t feel any desire to love is just asking for misery. Your people might have a stable population, but I imagine a good chunk of it is unhappy.”

“Perhaps. The survival of the clan comes first. The life of a naga is about sacrifice and glory. It seems other races are not the same. If having children is less of an obligation, there is little reason for such disgusting relations and desires to be disallowed. Discouraged, perhaps, but it might not be the place of an outsider to question what works for a society as powerful as that of the ponies.”

“To most ponies, it’s not even something outside the norm. People that question it seem rude.”

“Hm. I have been advised to act as a good example for our clan when out in the world. Unwarranted rudeness does my clan no honor. And if you, who lives your life with a great personal honor, find such a thing normal or even preferred, then I see no reason to doubt it. At the very least, I suppose living in such a land gives me an opportunity to see whether or not it truly causes unhappiness.”

“I’m glad to see you’re keeping more of an open mind.”

“I find such things disgusting, truly. But if they are commonly accepted and the act of decrying them is considered rude, then I shall keep my peace. The only openness in my mind on them is my attempt to see whether such a couple could truly be called happy. Since happiness does not matter to a naga when compared to the goodwill of the clan, it won’t affect my opinion one way or another.”

“Well, it’s a step in the right direction, at least. You weren’t invited to a lot of events in Ponyville because I knew how you would react if you saw some of the lesbian horses doing lesbian horse things.”

He snorted. “I likely would not have attended anyway. Pony games and parties do not amuse me.” The captain finally started ringing his bell thing, signifying the end of the changing of the shifts. “May your eyes not fail you, battle sibling.”

“Let your reflexes ring true, I guess,” I said with a shrug. He nodded as though that was a perfectly valid response, then left to get to his post. I readjusted the rifle in my hands and started watching the savannah again.

After about half an hour, Flo slithered up to me. “My sisters are wondering if you want us in position again.”

“If you guys had stopped those monkeys yesterday, I wouldn’t mind having you guard us. But you let them get to the deck twice without even warning us they were coming.” She flinched and turned slightly yellow. “Too many of us were relying on you to do your weird elemental shit to spot possible threats that we weren’t watching well enough ourselves. If you guys are incapable of properly guarding the ship, I’d rather have my troops fully alert.”

“...I’ll tell them their services aren’t needed at the moment.”

That was definitely mean of me, but Flo would have known my thoughts on the matter anyway. I figure, you know, why try to hide it? Partial points for being honest and all that.

“We certainly did not mean to let you down,” Flo sighed in my head.

“Most people don’t. You can tell your peeps to keep their eyes out if they want, but don’t ask us to depend on you guys if you aren’t going to pull through for us. And certainly don’t tell us that your eyes can see differently and then just ignore the monkeys that fly at us.”

“You aren’t wrong, Nav. We just didn’t even realize we had let you down.”

“When you advertise yourselves as goddesses, it doesn’t take many mistakes to start making people wonder. I trust you, Flo. But it seems that your sisters might not realize they have limitations.”

“...I will have a discussion with them.”

“I hope, now that you’re reunited with your family, you won’t forget what you guys really are.”

An icy chill immediately shot down my spine. “And what exactly are we?” she testily asked.

“Just as flawed as we are,” I said. The icy chill vanished. “Only a million years older. You and your sisters can make mistakes and you can learn from them. You can have opinions that differ. You are imperfect. I don’t know if some of your sisters realize that yet.”

“They do not. And it worries me that our so-called leader spent so long posing as a goddess. As I said, I will have a discussion with them. Some points will have to remain until after we rescue our last sister, when we are all together again.”

“Do you think anything will change?”

“I do not know, unfortunately. I know you will be in a hurry to get your… plug removed, but perhaps you should take time tonight to talk with River, Waterfall, or Cascade. They represent a faction among my sisters that none of us realized existed. You have a unique position to find out their thoughts for the future.”

“I’ll try to do that. But you’re right, I’m also in a hurry to get this thing removed. It feels wrong. But not as bad as I thought it would, at least.”

“It is something to which you agreed, so I will not assist you with it unless there’s an emergency. Now, I am with my sisters. Let me concentrate on them.”

“Good luck, babe.” Some warmth in my head was the only answer she gave.

We were finally given justification for our paranoia around midday. We were passing through a fairly nasty swamp-like area at the time, which annoyed a lot of us anyway. There were a lot of mosquitos that seemed to find the weak spots in armor. Not mine, of course, since they didn’t know I was there, but they annoyed the shit out of the ponies.

That annoyance got upgraded to terror when a very large swarm of them suddenly hit the ship from all directions. At that point, none of us realized we were even under attack. You sure coulda fooled the ponies. Apparently, even trained guards panic when hundreds of bugs are trying to suck your blood at once.

Spike, the naga, and I were the only ones not affected. Me, because of my tree thing. Spike, because he has scales. My only guess for the naga is that his cold blood kept them away. So as soon as I took stock, I shouted, “Spike, fire! Go for swarms!” After a second, he started blasting them apart. “Naga, shake ponies to knock them off!” He grabbed the nearest bat pony and started shaking the shit out of him. “Everyone unarmored, get below!” Taya, Twilight, Kat, and Gourd all started sprinting for the doors, heads and ears low. They’d definitely bring some of the mosquitos in with them, but it was better than getting drained dry. Zecora wasn’t on deck and Jak was joining the naga in shaking ponies, ignoring the mosquitos attacking him.

Then the water elementals slithered over the side and started engulfing ponies. The mosquitos they hit dissolved and all the wounds on the ponies instantly healed up. Between them and Spike, the deck cleared off enough for everyone to notice the very large dragon-like head peering over the side. It opened its mouth and another group of mosquitos shot out. The naga ripped a bolt out of one of the loaded ballistas and threw it into the thing’s side right as I shot it with my own gun.

His bolt did a lot more damage than my bullet, but neither did much at all. It roared and shook its head to dislodge the bolt, then took a bite out of the railing to clear space for his head. The ponies were distracted by the mosquitos again, so the naga and I drew our swords and charged it.

Thinking me an easier target, it slipped its head through the hole in the railing to snap at me. I jerked to the left and then jumped over the side, spreading my wings. Too late, I realized that I couldn’t fly for shit. Falling gave me a better view of the rest of it, at least. This wasn’t an actual dragon, but more like a dinosaur. Its back didn’t have any wings and it wasn’t covered in weird spine things like normal dragons. Its scales were also a lot more smooth.

Since I was falling, I reached out and wrapped an arm around its neck to try to slow my fall. It barely did anything and I couldn’t get any purchase on it, so I impaled its neck with my sword. After sliding for a few more seconds, I finally jerked to a halt. Of course, it started roaring and swinging its head around to try to dislodge me. It was all I could do to keep ahold of my sword. After about five seconds of riding it, the monster pulled its head away from the ship and then down to try to bite me.

I used the momentum from his neck jolting around to pull my blade out and fall even further down. When I hit its back, it roared again and twisted its head around even further to try to bite me again with its awful blunt teeth. My choices were to jump into the water (where I’d sink from the weight of the armor), move back even more and hope he missed, try to stab his mouth, or get eaten.

The naga decided for me. Since the monster’s neck was in a perfect loop at the moment, Ames leapt off the fucking side and used his massive greatsword to cleave right through the thing’s neck, completely decapitating it. The large head continued its fall, but it was unguided so I easily avoided it by backing up. I couldn’t avoid the spew of filthy swamp water as the naga and then the head hit the water, and I definitely couldn’t avoid the fountain of blood that shot out of its neck shortly after. The helmet prevented the blood from obscuring my vision, at least.

Thankfully, the rope ladder descended from the ship right as the monster’s legs started giving in, so I didn’t end up at the bottom of the swamp. I jumped to it and paused just long enough to sheathe my sword before starting the long climb. The naga joined me on the ladder after I got halfway up. That made the ladder even more wobbly since he didn’t have legs, but I still managed.

When I got to the deck, several of the soldiers were looking over the side, watching the monster’s head bob up and down. Zecora was just getting out and Twilight was tentatively poking her head out. She looked at me and I shook my head. Just like that, she went back in and closed the door.

Zecora surveyed the damage for a moment before joining the soldiers at the hole in the rails. When she saw the monster, she nodded once. “Ninki nanka,” she said. “There is little known about them, but I’m positive that’s one of them.”

“Will we run into more?” I asked.

“They primarily live in swamps. They’re very large and live long enough that there are rarely more than one per swamp. I doubt we will see another.”

“Good. This one spewed mosquitos at us. Will we need to worry about diseases?”

“Absolutely. I will begin brewing cures for all common jungle ailments immediately. You and the naga will also need it. You, for the water and the blood. The naga, for the water.”

“Then get started. I do not want any of my troops dying of malaria.”

“Of course.” She started walking below right as the naga pulled himself over the deck.

“So what did I just kill?” he asked.

“Zecora called it a ninki nanka,” I said. “Looked like a loch ness monster, but it didn’t ask for tree fiddy.”

“I have no idea what that means. I’m just glad my sword finally got to taste blood again, especially against such a beast!”

“I hope your sword enjoyed the taste more than I did. Some of it got in my mouth and that stuff was pretty awful.”

He snorted. “Then perhaps you should have been less concerned with riding it and more concerned with killing it.”

“I thought battle brothers were supposed to team up on enemies. I was just giving you a good shot at it to share the honor of killing it.”

That made him bark out a laugh. “I think I know better than that, human. Still, the courage of tackling such a monster is commendable. Now, I would advise getting cleaned up. You and your armor are filthy and it would not do to let it or your blade rust.”

“Agreed.” Before either of us could move, I got engulfed from behind by an amorphous blob of water.

A few seconds later, it pulled away from me and reformed as Ice. “My apologies for the delay,” he said with a smile. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Thanks for the cleanup job,” I said. “Though I’m kinda surprised Flo didn’t do the honors.”

“She’s below, helping make sure all the mosquitos were killed and trying to find everypony they may have bitten.”

“...Did you just say everypony?”

He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, despite being unable to feel itchy and having no fingernails. “It’s something I picked up from my host.”

“Whatever. Tell them to let Zecora know who all might need medicine, so she can make enough. And find the captain and tell him to get us back on the move. I want to be gone before something bigger comes along and starts trying to eat this thing’s body. Then tell Kat, Twilight, and Taya to stay below until they get medicine in them.”

“Of course. Oh, and one of my sisters told me to tell you to be more careful. None of us want you getting hurt.”

“I have no intention of getting hurt.” His smile deepened and he left without another word. I wanted to mutter something, but since he went out of his way to help me, it didn’t really feel fair.

Ames watched Ice move away for a moment before shaking his head and going back to his post at the front of the ship. He was quickly replaced by Spike. “So is the ship safe?” he asked.

“As far as I know. Take Kat’s side of the ship until she gets up here.”

“Alright. Just let me know if you need anything else!”

“Yep.” He wandered on over there and I took up position next to the damaged railing.

While nothing else was going on, I hollered up, “Gilda, you doing alright up there?” I couldn’t really see her in the mast, so I had no clue if she was messed up. When I said something, she poked her head over the side.

“Oh yeah! Those bugs didn’t get up here. Wish I had been part of the action, but at least I got a front row seat.”

“Have you been bitten by any mosquito at all?”

“Nah. I ate a few that got too close, though.”

I have no clue if those diseases can spread like that. “If you start feeling odd, let Zecora know immediately. I don’t care if it affects that whole tough girl machismo shit you got going on, I do not want diseases spread through the ship.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get sick. I got it. You need anything else, supreme overlord?”

“Nah.” Her head disappeared and things went back to silent.

A few minutes later, the ship started moving again and then the captain walked over to me. “We don’t really have the wood to fix that railing at the moment,” he said.

“I’m aware. You got some spare rope? I figure tying it off would work until we get to a friendly port. We should be safe at the moment, so someone could do it now.”

“Yes sir. And even if we did have wood, it would be hard to fix it properly without magic. I’ll go get someone to deal with it.”

He started to turn away, but I said, “If you’re heading below, ask Watcher to join me up here.”

“If he isn’t busy, yeah. Though I can’t imagine he’d be doing too much.”

“What I need isn’t urgent, but I’d still like to get his mind rolling.”

“I’ll tell him.” He finally continued down.

Soon after, Watcher wandered up, half-armored. His hollow eyes flinched slightly when he saw the sun, but he continued out and slowly walked over to me. “What do you need?” he quietly asked.

“Dude, you look like shit. You feeling alright?”

He sighed and shook his head. “...No. I’m old and I’m pretty sure I caught something yesterday. Zecora’s cooking me up something that should help at the moment, but she’s also doing it for half the rest of the crew.”

“Alright. As long as you’re dealing with it, that’s good enough. Do you have the details of what happened earlier?”

“With the… nanki thing? I don’t know, I was half out of it when one of the squad leaders reported it.”

“Yeah. Long story short, it was something covered in scales and none of your ponies had any means of fighting it. No magic, so they couldn’t do that. I don’t think it would have even felt a hoof. The pegasi couldn’t fly to distract it.”

“I am well aware of our limitations, sir.”

“I’ve been thinking that it might be time to tackle those limitations. Pony bodies are definitely not suited for combat, but there’s gotta be some place to attach blades or spikes or something.”

He went cross-eyed as he looked up at his horn. His eyes returned to me and he said, “For nonunicorns, we could put a spike on their helmet. But I’m not sure I like the idea of training my soldiers to headbutt enemies.”

“Understandable. But I guess it’s a last resort option for actual unicorns.”

He scoffed. “Not unless you want them doing blood magic for the rest of their lives.”

“...Wait, what?”

One of his hooves reached up to tap his horn. “These things are very magical in nature, Nav. As you’d expect, I’m sure. If a unicorn kills something sapient with their horn, their magic becomes… cursed might be the best word for it. You lose all ability to do beneficial or harmless magic, and the combat or dangerous magic you do is considerably stronger. However, doing it saps your life energy. Doing too much at one time will kill you. As opposed to normal magic, which can just sap your energy and make you tired or knock you out. Needless to say, such a thing is uncommon.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet.” I wonder if Blueblood knew that. “So that’s not an option. What else is there?”

He looked over my shoulders, to my wings. “Those are fairly maneuverable. We could put something on them.”

“What, like wingblades?”

“...Maybe.”

“Hell no. If you cut something while flying and you hit bone or armor, you’d break your wing and fall out of the air. If you tried cutting something on the ground and you hit bone or armor, you might impale your wing on bones or otherwise damage it, making flying impossible. And if your blade gets stuck, you’ll end up entangled with the enemy. Even if they did work properly, coating your wings with blood is an easy way to make sure you can’t fly until they get cleaned.”

“Even bat wings?”

“Alright, maybe not for you guys. The point remains, no. Once you start feeling better, bring it up with Jak. Your experience and his weapon knowledge means you should figure something out. Preferably something that all ponies can use, not just unicorns or pegasi.”

“Yes sir. It’s been something in the back of my mind for a long time anyway. I’ve had a few ideas, but nothing too great. Do you need anything else?”

“Nah. Go lie down. And make sure you’re one of the first to get that medicine.”

“Yes sir.”

“And if you want, I can assign a young, attentive mare to help you with everything you need.”

“Pass. I’m not that sick yet and I’m not old enough to be lecherous.”

“Give it time.” He rolled his eyes and walked off.

Things went silent for a few hours, thankfully. Zecora brewed up nasty potions for everyone, myself included. An unfortunate side-effect of the potion is that it turned the coats of all the ponies bright blue. But she assured everyone that it would wear off in less than a day. Probably. Definitely less than a week.

The guards weren’t too happy with that, but Rarity was overjoyed to style the blue Twilight’s hair. Taya didn’t really seem to care, as usual, though she was quick to avoid Rarity.

While I was mentally preparing myself to deal with Twilight’s pitiful attempts at domination, a slightly pink elemental joined me and Taya in my room. “Hello, Navarone,” she quietly said.

“Hello. River, right?”

“Yes. And this is Taya.”

“It sure is,” I said, rubbing the named filly on the head. “Is there anything in particular you needed, or do you just want to talk?”

She was watching my hand on Taya’s head. When I finished speaking, she said, “I would like to… talk.”

“Cool. I’d like to start with a question, then. How much did you know about humans before you met me? Flo didn’t know about us at all.”

Her eyes flowed up my arm and stopped at my eyes. “Your existence was not a secret. But it was also not discussed. We acted as… goddesses. Many of us did not like being reminded that we were created by a species greater than ourselves. Some of us did not know. More of us did.”

Way to not answer the fucking question. “So how much did you know about humans before you met me? If you don’t want to answer, you can just tell me.”

“Little. I knew that your kind created us. I didn’t and don’t know why. Only Brook had met any of you. Now I know that you saved me and that your kind is selfless.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. But I do think that no one should be imprisoned for an eternity and I’m very happy to have all you guys free.”

“You did not have to save us.”

“I promised Flo that I would help her sisters. I keep my promises. And after the waters, I hope to free the fires.” Her body quickly turned yellow. “I did not think it would be a popular decision.”

“Convincing some of my sisters would be difficult…”

“The war is over. The world has changed. You have a common enemy. At the moment, no one knows how to kill Discord. But I’m hoping that the past and the present can put their heads together and figure something out.”

“After what it did to us… and to you, I agree. I avoided the war. I detest violence more than many of my sisters. But I believe the fires should be freed as well. You have already saved your daughters. I would happily help you save your sons.”

“And the airs?” She looked away. “I happen to share a similar opinion, unfortunately. Some things are better off forgotten. After the fires will of course come the earths. How much do you know about our enemy?”

She flinched a little. “We have… many enemies.”

“But only one is worthy of the title. You know exactly what I’m talking about, River. What do you know about Discord?”

She sighed and moved over to the window, then lifted a hand to it. “None of us know much about it. The name we gave it was Chaos. From the descriptions we have heard from the ponies, it has gained a personality of a trickster. In our time, it was chaos incarnate.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I said. “You don’t know the history.”

She turned back to face me. “Do you?”

“Some. Before humans made you guys, we were the sole sapient race on the planet. We were either preceded by an even earlier race or we were the first, one or the other. But Discord showed up at some point. He apparently found magic threatening, so he waged an all-out war on it until it was dead. Instead, humanity turned to technology. Eventually, we made weapons that could destroy the world.”

She turned a very dark blue. “That’s awful!”

“Yes, it was. And terrifying. The first prototypes were used as weapons of war. They were full city-busters and made a proud nation bend its neck.”

One of her hands stretched over to caress my face. “There is a deep sorrow in your soul, Navarone. I believe part of it is caused by the knowledge of what your kind has done to itself.”

“Yeah, probably.” I reached up and pulled her hand away from my face. “Discord eventually got bored and decided the only way he could die is if all discord in the world stopped. To that end, he instigated a war wherein those weapons would be used. However, not all humans died. Apparently enough survived to keep him kicking.”

She probably wasn’t happy that I rejected her attempt at sympathizing with me, but she didn’t say anything about it. “And I assume he didn’t enjoy this.”

“Not in the slightest. My guess is that he did something in one of the bunkers, the one down south where I got trapped, that drove some of the inhabitants insane. He probably tried repeating the process in other bunkers. I don’t know how successful he was.”

“Not successful enough, I imagine.”

“Correct. Some of the survivors made you, and then put things in motion for other sapient races to be made. I assume the water elementals were supposed to keep the peace, so Discord stayed weak. Airs and fires were supposed to keep him alive by instigating some fighting. Not sure what was up with the earths.”

“That all seems… likely. But why would they want Discord kept alive?”

I sighed and pulled Taya into my lap. She was all too happy to comply and eagerly plopped down on me. “My guess is spite. Some of them knew about him in the end. I guess they knew he wanted to die and decided to kill us to do so. Because of that, they tried to make sure he stayed alive but weak.”

She jerked back, turning somewhat orange. “That’s incredibly irresponsible!”

“Humans seem to be experts at playing with fire and we very rarely learn when we get burned. But the other option was letting sapience die. I said it was spite, but it just as easily might have been the all-consuming urge for humanity to survive. Our species was doomed. Discord had our number; if we stayed alive, he would eventually get strong enough to guarantee we died. Building new species gave us something to sacrifice ourselves for, to create something that would survive past us. But we’re imperfect and we know it, so we knew whatever we made would eventually give Discord strength. That’s why we tried to minimize it by giving the new species special guidance.”

“But it didn’t work,” she slowly said, drawing slightly closer.

“...No, it did not. But I’m not positive that was our fault. This is pure speculation, but the spider things we recently discovered added a missing piece: How Discord got strong enough to manifest himself to the airs. The queen spider bitch in South America was a human around three thousand years before I was born. Discord gave her immortality and then forgot about her. She survived the great war and had a lot of evil children. I assume that gave Discord the added power boost he needed to begin manifesting and influencing the airs.”

“I see. And you believe he had an agenda when he began attacking my kind?”

Taya sighed softly when I started rubbing her ears. It gave me something to do while thinking of a response. Finally, I said, “Revenge is most likely, if he has or had any humanity in him. We kept him alive. That pissed him off and made him want to hurt the tools we left behind to control him. Alternately, he wanted power so he could try killing himself again. I don’t really know. After you guys disappeared, my knowledge of history pretty much stops.”

“And I’m afraid that I am incapable of filling in any gaps…”

“Is that because you can’t share what you know or because you don’t know anything?”

She turned somewhat yellow. “What I know isn’t worth sharing. Brook, Mist, Naiad, and Ice shared their experiences with us. What Brook told us corroborates your spider idea. The other three were useless. Little happened under the sea.”

“Ah. Sorry if I sound accusatory. Brook and Aqua were not kind. Mist and Naiad seemed like the kinds to hide things.”

She nodded and turned somewhat black. “Those are both true, I’m afraid. And all four want you protected. There was… talk of holding you against your will.”

I was silent for a few seconds, watching her turn a host of colors that ended in pink. “And how did that talk go?” I slowly asked.

“Five of us wanted to keep you safe, no matter the cost. Seven of us decided to watch and wait. We will ensure your safety, but we will not impede your freedom.”

Five. Aqua, Brook, Mist, Naiad, and who?

“Raine,” Flo said.

Go figure.

“I’m very glad you saw things the right way,” I said. “I make mistakes. I get hurt. I fuck up. But I laugh. I survive. I win.” She smiled and brightened. “Your sisters don’t know what it means to be alive.” I pulled Taya into a hug. “I love. I live. That is all a man can do, and they will not take that from me.”

River finally reached out and hugged me. “And I will guarantee it, father!”

The smile that came to my face had little to do with her hug. Well, I suppose that’s one way to get a few water elementals on my side…

“So it is,” Flo said. “But be wary when trying to manipulate them. Remember that your opponents are considerably more experienced than either of us.”

For now, it means that if things come to a vote, I have five that will generally be on my side and four that will generally be on the other.

“If. Brook knows now that she will likely be on the losing side of any vote involving you. Thus, she’ll probably try to avoid them.”

Well, if she goes full retard, it’s not like you guys are forced to obey her. Tell her to eat a dick and form your own water elemental group, with blackjack and hookers.

“That is certainly true. I doubt it will become an issue. At the moment, we are grouped together for a singular cause: Freeing our brothers and sisters and then dealing with Discord. Once that is done, we will be free to disperse. Brook’s goals align with yours. The only thing in question is her methods. Anyway, Taya is currently engulfed in water.”

I immediately pulled her away from River, letting her breathe. She finally slipped out of my lap and just sat next to me instead, still not saying anything.

River seemed to realize something was up and stopped hugging me. “Would you be interested in speaking to any of the rest of us?”

“Happily,” I said. “But not tonight. I have one more thing to do before I go to bed.”

She turned dark pink again. “I didn’t know! I’ll stop bothering you and go.”

She started to turn, but I quickly grabbed one of her hands and she stopped. “I make time for people,” I said. “Unless it’s an emergency, don’t feel bad about talking to me. I’ll let you know if you’re interrupting something important.”

She brightened up, but was still pink. “Alright. But I don’t want to keep you up too long, so I’ll leave you. Good night, Nav.”

“Night, River.” She finally left, and turned an even brighter pink as the door closed behind her.

Taya finally scoffed. “I’m a better daughter than that blob could ever be.”

“You’re certainly cuter,” I said, booping her on the nose. “Even if blue isn’t your color.”

“So if I dye my coat blue, I’ll be less cute?”

“You’d grow into it.” I grabbed her for another hug. “Also, do you see now why being able to run is really important?”

“...So I don’t get eaten by mosquitos?”

“So you’ll have an option if magic ever fails you. And so you can more easily keep up with a fast-moving group in a combat situation. I understand your strength is your magic, but that doesn’t mean you can neglect your body.”

She sighed and hugged me back. “I know, daddy…” We were silent for a few seconds before she quietly asked, “Would it help me escape ropes?”

When I started laughing, she huffed and walked out.

Since I was finally alone, I walked on over to Twilight’s room and had stuff put in me for a while. It was fun.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Six — After School Special

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Six — After School Special

That morning, after we all got settled into our positions on the deck, Zecora walked over to my place next to the broken railing. Together, we watched something slightly smaller than an elephant slowly walk through the plains. The thing had a single horn coming out of its nose, like a rhino, but it was covered in fur and had stripes down its back.

“Emela-ntouka,” Zecora said. The animal yawned, showing off its large and flat teeth. “Despite its outward appearance, it doesn’t eat meat. However, it will kill anything that disturbs it. Including elephants.”

“Then I say we don’t disturb it.”

“A wise course of action.” She turned to look at me. “If my memory is correct and if things haven’t changed, we are nearing a tribe of very powerful and very well-respected shamans. We absolutely cannot offend them. I doubt they will bother us, but if they make an effort to speak with us, we need to stop.”

“Are they on the river?” I asked.

She nodded. “They have guards from all over Africa, as well. It is the one place where Pertz has never gained ground, and it’s very likely the last place on our trip that I would consider safe.”

“Unless we piss them off.”

“Unless we anger them, yes. This location is where many novice shamans go to start and complete their training. It is likely I would be recognized should I enter, so if I am not needed, I will remain below. It’s better that my presence in Africa not be known until after it is too late for Pertz.”

“No problem. I’ll send someone to get you if you’re needed. I guess you can go nurse Watcher or something.”

She rolled her eyes. “That old stallion doesn’t like being nursed. He’s almost as bad as you are.”

“At least I’m adorable, so looking after me is tolerable.”

“To Spike, perhaps. You will know their land when you see it.”

“Coolio. You mind letting the captain know before you head below? I don’t want him getting worried if someone lets themselves on our deck. I’ll tell everyone here.”

“Of course. I’d also advise telling the water elementals.”

“I imagine Flo is already taking care of it. Hopefully these guys won’t ask for anything weird, like unusual slaves to keep around as novelties.”

“Shamans are not very materialistic. Few of us care for status. Fewer of us care for slaves. Their most likely request would be food or conversation. Wisdom is hard to come by, and warriors often have their own unique version to share.”

“Well, I don’t mind talking. I certainly wouldn’t mind getting some wisdom in return. Any guesses on how far out they are?”

“Two or three hours, likely. If you should meet one face-to-face, be wary of their power. Celestia believes those she sees as inferior to have no abilities that could threaten her. She is very incorrect. These beings possess many powers and abilities. Some can even see into the future.”

“Huh.” I thought back to what Luna told me a very long time ago, about how it was possible to see into the future with the right tools. I couldn’t help but wonder if she came here to study.“Think they’d be willing to share what they see?”

“Sometimes. Now, I must warn the captain and return below. If you do have to meet with them, I will need to have a few potions brewed to counteract the effects of some of what you may inadvertently inhale. Many shamans use various herbs to enhance their abilities. To one not accustomed, their effects may be… traumatizing.”

So they use psychoactive drugs. Fun. “Then I won’t keep you. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll have moved their settlement.”

“Perhaps.” She looked down the river for a moment before turning and walking to the staircase leading up.

Flo, you got all that?

“Yes. I’ve already begun warning my sisters. And Ice. I believe these shamans might represent the threat my sisters and I have been concerned about. If they truly do have magic, hopefully they will leave us alone.”

And if not, hopefully they at least won’t try to hurt us. I’m going to go ahead and warn the troops. I figure if we don’t look like we’re threatening them, they won’t try anything on us.

“Likely. But Zecora seems to think they’re safe, so I don’t think they’ll be an issue.”

Just in case, I went ahead and knocked on some of the wooden railing in front of me. That superstition fulfilled, I started walking around to warn the guys on deck about what we were going to run into.

I don’t think any of us, Zecora included, suspected what we’d really find.

We spotted the shaman town around midday. The ground for nearly a mile around it was charred black. Even the river had a much darker hue, as though something had actually stained the ground at the bottom. To my eyes, it seemed like there was some kind of pall of darkness over the place, but no one else noticed it.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” one of the guards next to me muttered.

“Keep it to yourself,” I absentmindedly replied. But I felt it, too. This place was absolutely creepy.

All the huts were made of some kind of leather and many were decorated with bones. At the center of the town was a large gibbet with an old zebra locked inside. Guards of various races dotted the area and several were watching us. A single elephant with two very large, carved tusks was wandering around the outskirts. Ashes shot up into the air with every step he took. Several people with beads, bones, and various detritus tied into their hair seemed to glide from hut to hut, not sifting the ashes at all. None of them looked up at us.

Shit was weird.

And shit got even weirder when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to look and saw a cat I didn’t recognize standing directly behind me. He had a wooden staff in one hand and was covered in a dark cloak. As soon as I realized he was there, his stench hit me and I just barely stopped myself from gagging.

The guards noticed him at that point and they all jumped back, then got into defensive stances. The cat paid them no mind and just stared into my eyes. “Can I… help you?” I calmly asked as I took my hands away from my gun.

“Death rides in your wake, soulless one,” the cat quietly replied. His eyes glanced over my shoulder for a moment before returning to me. “Your presence is demanded below. You will bring the entity that guides your path and you will bring our lost sister, the one who will translate our customs. Three will go and three will return. Or perhaps four will return, if you will allow yourself to see.”

“Alright, let me stop you right there. Can you be more specific about who I’m supposed to bring? I don’t really want to deal with stupid riddles if I don’t have to, especially if I might get them wrong.”

He blinked. “Oh. Sorry. Bring Flo and Zecora.”

“Cool, I can do that. We’ll be down in a few minutes.”

He nodded. “Good.” Then he looked around the ship. “So uh… You have any food? And maybe an actual shower?”

“Sure thing. Hey Spike, take this guy to get a shower and then show him the kitchen.”

Spike sighed. “Why do I have to do it?”

“Because I told you to. Now stop bitching and do it.” He sighed and rolled his eyes, then beckoned the cat to follow him. They walked down together.

“Flo, get ready to go,” I said aloud. “I’m gonna go put my weapons up and get Zecora. Maybe she can make sense of this bullshit.”

She didn’t reply, but one of the guards did. “Are you sure you should go down there, sir?”

“I probably shouldn’t, but that dude showed up on the ship without anyone noticing. I’d rather not test the rest of their abilities. Besides, I’ll have Zecora and Flo. What’s the worst that could happen?”

The squad around me shared looks amongst themselves as I started heading below. My first stop was Zecora’s room.

She looked up from her alembic when I entered. “Is there something you require?”

“Shit got weird. Some cat shaman magically showed up on our deck and asked for you, me, and Flo all by name. We’re heading down to the village as soon as we all get ready.”

Her lips compressed slightly as she took that in. “I see. Did he say anything else?”

“Well, he said death rides in our wake and then called me soulless. He also said that three of us would go, but four might come back, if I allowed myself to see. He tried using some kind of stupid riddle crap to tell me who to bring, but I told him to stop his shit and speak like a normal fucking human. It all sounded like some quasi-mystical bullshit made up to sound important but probably doesn’t actually mean anything.”

She nodded. “That is the way of the shaman. Obfuscate as many things as possible so you can hide behind riddles if your advice is wrong. Thanks to your words and some of my own life experiences, I realized such things are wrong.”

“Well, at least there’s that. Any thoughts?”

“No. I will ready myself quickly. I ask, but do not require, that you leave your weapons here. Going in unarmed will make the guards less wary of us and we likely couldn’t defend ourselves against the shamans anyway.”

“I was planning on dropping everything off. Don’t let Twilight or Taya know we’re going. They weren’t on deck, so they don’t know. If they find out, both will demand to go.”

“Very well. My potions aren’t quite complete and I can’t leave them to simmer without me. They are beyond Nightshade. Hopefully they won’t be needed.”

“Yeah, hopefully. I’ll be on deck when you’re ready.”

She nodded. “I will not be long.”

I set all my weapons down in my room. After a moment of thought, I decided to leave Twilight’s toy in. She probably wouldn’t have considered that an important enough reason to take it out and I really didn’t want her to bump me up a few sizes at once. It felt uncomfortable enough with being the right size.

Flo was already waiting on the deck. She slid up to me and slowly engulfed my lower body and wrapped my upper body in a hug. Zecora showed up about a minute later.

When all three of us were ready, one of the crew unicorns tossed the rope ladder over. “Good luck,” she said with a smile as Flo started dragging me down the ladder.

“Here’s hoping we don’t need it,” I replied. The land below us looked foreboding enough that I figured we probably would, though.

As soon as we hit the dirt (or ashes, as it was), a nearly skeletal dog approached us. He pointed at me with a slender paw and then patted himself on the chest. When he started walking away, I figured we were supposed to follow him.

So I didn’t appear weak, I stepped out of Flo and took the lead, right behind him. Zecora and Flo joined us and we walked into the mass of yurts. As we got closer and then into the tents, the stench got worse and worse. I figured it would be rude to say anything, so I just started breathing with my mouth instead. Flo couldn’t smell and Zecora was probably used to living in a third world shithole, so neither seemed bothered by it.

What was more disconcerting to me is the pressure I started feeling in my head as we went deeper and saw more of the shamans. Each one stared at us. Or rather, after taking a moment to actually examine them, they were staring at me. The darkness around the place seemed to deepen as the pressure increased, adding to the rest to bring my paranoia to ridiculous levels.

Finally, we stopped in front of a very well-decorated yurt. This thing was covered in carved skulls of more races than I’d ever seen. Each was covered in strange spirals and odd patterns. It also looked like there were faint motes of light hidden inside each eye socket and it felt like they were all focused right on me. That was the only source of light in the deep darkness that was now surrounding us.

The dog we were following reached behind me and slowly waved his hand over my shoulder, then pointed us to the tent’s flap. I shrugged and let myself in. Flo and Zecora followed, of course.

Together, we beheld a single ancient zebra. His eyes were totally black and all of his teeth had been replaced with silver. Shadows were whirling around him, even though there was a steady source of light in the room. His face was covered in some kind of paint, with symbols covering his fur. He stared up at us from the far corner of his mostly empty yurt, then slowly pointed to a place in front of him. “Sit, lost traveler. Sit, entity. Sit, soulless one.”

His voice was like fucking gravel. It shocked me, so Zecora made the first move. She sat in front of him, slightly to the right. I shook myself out of it and sat next to her, in the middle and in front of a small brazier. Flo joined me on my left.

When we were down, he began talking again, though his voice changed completely. “I stand between the living and the dead. I walk the path of life and death, guiding lost souls to eternity. I see those that others cannot. I hear things most ignore.” His head tilted slightly and he pointed at me. “Soulless one, you should not be. You are empty. You are dead inside. You are a prison.” His gnarled hoof lowered. “One who should have long ago escaped this world is locked in your barren body. The dead want her. And they want your abomination of a body to cease its stringed movements.”

“Well, you can have Ava. But I’m gonna have to draw the line at making my body stop moving. Also, why do you call me soulless? I mean, I’m not the best guy in the world, but I’m not that bad.”

He blinked and shook his head. When he started speaking again, his voice had changed. “You have no soul. No anima. Your body is a simulacrum, a mere animation of that which once was. You are held together by some strange magic and a will not your own. You are a golem. A soul tried hiding in you to escape its current prison, but found itself locked in a new one. She cannot escape.”

“Uh… huh.” I idly looked at Zecora and then at Flo. Both were watching the old guy. “So can you get her out of me?”

He reached down to a small bag next to himself and removed some mushrooms. He lifted them up to his eyes before nodding and tossing them into the brazier in front of us. They immediately burned a bright green and the tent quickly filled up with their smoke.

Zecora sighed and muttered, “Things are about to get strange.” Compared to what, exactly?

“She cannot escape your empty body, Anonymous,” the zebra said. “She pulls and pulls at her binds, but the necklace connecting you keeps her in place.” After a few seconds of breathing in the smoke, I started hearing crying behind me. The guy’s voice changed yet again as he continued, “She does not know that for her, escape would mean an even darker fate, though it is one that could be temporary. Those of the first race that survived after the end of their species suffered a cursed existence. When those billions of lives were snuffed out in so short a time, the lines between reality and irreality were frayed. Many of those who had died began seeping over into reality, then became trapped there. Your prisoner will remain bound to you until your body dies. Then she will remain shackled to reality until one such as I can free her.”

The crying was much louder now, and it sounded like it was directly behind me. Zecora finally gave in and decided to look. When she did, she grabbed my arm with a trembling hoof.

I sighed and looked back as well. Some kind of spirit was floating behind me, pulling on a chain that went from a shackle around her neck to a ghostly shackle around mine. “Well ain’t that some shit,” I quietly said. When Ava realized we were looking at her, she gasped and started pulling harder. “Can she understand us?” I asked.

“Perhaps. She could certainly understand you, if you spoke in the language you both shared.”

“Flo, can you translate for us?” She didn’t answer, so I looked over at her. Instead of being blue and human-like, she was very grey and just shaped like a blob. Every few seconds, a bolt of light shot out from her center and prodded the outside of her watery shell. “I’m gonna go with no.” I wasn’t quite sure how to speak English instead of horse-ish, so I looked back at the shaman. When I did, my mouth dropped.

He wasn’t surrounded by shadows anymore. Now, I could clearly see that they were spirits of various types of creatures. Each one had an arm or a leg inside of him, presumably to control him. Once they realized I could see them, the largest one slowly floated in front of me.

“I am death.” It had the shape of a human. “I am the ferryman between light and dark.” Its visage had vaguely skull-like features and its body looked very bony. “I shepherded your race and all those that followed into the afterlife.” Though it spoke, its mouth didn’t move at all. “Your kind created me, gave me a shape.” Its head moved in closer and a green light started shining from its eye sockets. “In its fear of the unknown, humanity created an afterlife worth fearing.” One of its arms reached out behind me and grabbed the chain connecting me and Ava. “Your soul already resides within that afterlife, Anonymous.” He lifted me up by the chain and held us both off the ground, choking me and making Ava start sobbing. “And yet this body remains animated.” I had no idea what touching him would do to me, so I clawed at the shackle around my neck instead, trying to get air. “As long as you stay soulless, the great enemy who created you will have power over you.” His eyes looked over my shoulder, then back at me. “This great enemy is mine, as well as yours.” He dropped me and Ava. “You are soulless. You have a soul shackled behind you. Two problems. One solution.”

“W-what?” I gasped. I knew he was talking and I knew it was important, but it felt like my mind was starting to change. The lack of oxygen didn’t help, of course.

“Find her where reality is malleable, Anonymous. Speak to her where you have power. Find one who has power over the dead. Speak to her where the souls of the lost reside, where no truly living being can travel.”

My eyes looked back up, but everything I saw made me fall to the floor in shock. All the spirits were slowly circling now, moving incrementally closer. Zecora was watching them with an unreadable expression on her face. Her eyes were now fully black, just like the old shaman. Various symbols dotted the air around her and the stripes on her fur seemed to dance and writhe as I watched.

She hurt to look at, so I moved my vision back to the shaman. There were no spirits around him now, so he was slumping down slightly. After a few seconds of me watching him, he pulled another handful of plants out of another bag and tossed them onto the fire. They were consumed in a blue flame and yet another cloud began filling the room.

“W-w-what is this?” I whispered as I lifted a hand to my face. My fingers were twisting and moving on their own accord. My entire body felt like it was shaking and my mind was going a mile a minute.

Zecora finally spoke, and said, “Many herbs exist that will give any being true sight. But there are side effects. We will likely be hallucinating for at least a day, shown things that do and do not truly exist. Our bodies will feel as though they are miles away, controllable but unresponsive.” She looked over at me. “I advise against looking in a mirror.”

“Oh god… Can you… can you fix this?”

She shook her head. “I am just as lost as you are, now. I will not attempt to make a potion in this state. I might poison us as easily as I might cure us.”

I looked over at Flo again. She was still just a blob. “Flo, can you hear me?” No response. One of my hands carefully caressed her and she started oozing over to me. I looked back up at the spirits, many of which were less than a meter away.

Death finally lifted a hand, stopping them. “You will return to your ship,” the large spirit said. “Continue on your journey. But remember this, Anonymous. Remember my words. If you want to truly exist, you will heed them.”

“Go to hell,” I growled. For some reason, that made him laugh. He started spinning around the old zebra again before seeping into the guy. The other spirits joined him moments later. After that, the old guy slowly disappeared, just dropping right out of reality.

“Can you walk?” Zecora asked. She was already standing up, somehow steady.

I very carefully stood, which made the whole room start dancing. Closing my eyes didn’t help, so I looked back at the mare and did my best to ignore the strange shapes dancing around her. “Hopefully. Will they let us just leave?”

“Yes. We must return before we peak. We likely have fifteen to thirty minutes. Then our minds will be gone for two or so hours.”

“...Gone how?”

“Hold onto my back. When we get outside, things will be strange.” She looked over at Flo, who was still grasping my arm. “Will she follow us?”

“I… think so.” My first step was more of a stumble, since my feet didn’t seem to want to cooperate. But when I actually concentrated on it, I was able to follow Zecora to the closed tent flaps. Sure enough, Flo continued holding onto me and moving across the ground. Normally, she didn’t collect any kind of dust or dirt from the ground. Now, though, she was quickly caking herself in detritus.

Once we got to the flaps, Zecora looked back at me. “You will see many things soon, Navarone. Remember that you survived the poultice I gave you after the cursed dagger. This will be nothing worse.”

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that while I’m tripping balls, bitch. I can fucking taste colors. I don’t need to remember watching Kumani rip the wings off my back so she can hold me forever.”

“...Right.” She looked back to the tent flap for a moment, took a deep breath, then turned back to look at me. “I suppose I should warn you that this is the first time I’ve actually—”

I pushed past her and out of the tent. The darkness that was infusing the place before was gone, replaced by a harsh sunlight that pushed into my overly sensitive eyes. After taking a second to wince back, I gripped Flo slightly tighter and finally stepped into the light.

Despite the darkness being gone, it was actually worse in the camp now. Every one of the shamans had at least one spirit trailing behind them. None of them were touching the shamans, but all were following and each one was staring at me. Or rather, they were staring at the bright spirit chained to me.

The spirits weren’t even the really weird part. Each shaman had different moving symbols around them, all representing god knows what. My eyes were noticing patterns where normally I wouldn’t see anything and each one seemed to draw me in until I could wrest my gaze away.

Someone in the camp was playing drums and I could feel each beat reverberating down to my very soul. Or lack of one, according to the grim reaper lookalike. That’s actually what knocked me out of the shock and made me come back down for an instant.

Zecora was standing by my side, slowly taking in the whole camp. Flo was still an amorphous blob. I took a deep breath and started carefully walking to where our ship was anchored. Each time I lifted a foot, my mind seemed to soar, only to be brought back down when my shoe hit the dirt.

One of the guards walked right in front of me as we were leaving, close enough that I brushed against him as we passed. My body jolted upright as his fur brushed against my arm, sending a flash of sensations through my mind. He didn’t even notice and just kept going without paying me any mind.

After an eternity that probably only lasted ten minutes, we got out of the hellish camp with its freaky skulls and strange inhabitants. “Think you can climb?” I asked when we got to the ladder.

Zecora didn’t answer after several seconds, so I looked over at her. Her eyes were fixed on the ship, open wider than they had been yet. I took a deep breath and followed her gaze, then almost immediately regretted it.

Hundreds of spirits were floating above us. “What in the fuck?” I whispered.

She didn’t look away, but answered, “This is a ship of great violence, Nav. It ferries a crew of veterans with an impressive kill count. You murdered a clan of pirates to claim it. Before you did so, they killed many. Many spirits made from violent means often find themselves attached, willingly or not, to objects that had an impression upon them immediately before dying.”

“Great, so our ship is fucking haunted. Just what I wanted to find out. I’m haunted, the ship’s haunted, my sword’s probably haunted, my armor’s definitely haunted. Next thing you know, I’m going to get pregnant and have a miscarriage or an abortion and then my fucking vagina’s gonna be haunted. Great, just fucking great.”

If she was coherent enough to talk, I figured she was good to climb. I attached Flo to one of my legs and started pulling myself up the shitty ladder. From its extra erratic motions, I figured Zecora was right behind me.

The climb normally isn’t all that bad, due to my weird alien-esque physiology, but this time it was awful. Every time the ladder moved, the landscape below me scattered like crazy until I could get my focus back, and we were jolting the ropey piece of shit a lot. I was actually out of breath when we got over the top, so I just pulled myself over and fell onto the deck, not even trying to keep myself up.

For some reason, I was very surprised when several people immediately ran to my side. Spike got there first, and knelt down so he could prop me up. “What happened?” he asked, flashing his ungodly horrific teeth. I flinched back, so he leaned forward to examine me better. “What’s wrong with your eyes?”

Now, I should mention that dragons usually look scary. That’s a given, since they’re pretty much killing machines. But Spike is different, since I know him pretty well. At the moment, though, he was freaking me out. I could see spirals on each individual scale, his teeth were shining brightly in the sunlight, I could see a faint haze coming from his mouth as combustible gas escaped, and his wings were stretched over me in what he might have thought was protective but just seemed enclosing to me.

Needless to say, that gave me absolutely no chance to catch my breath. Zecora came to my rescue when she got over the side by pushing him back. “Give her room, dragon,” she said. “All of you, back away.”

Everyone on the ship knows about Zecora, so she usually commands a lot of respect. Especially since we just got back from some weird shit that she would know all about. They all backed off, though Spike took a second or two longer to pull away from me.

“What happened?” he asked again, staring at her now.

“We were given a substance that is relegated to only the most powerful shamans. Nav and I are hallucinating very powerfully right now, and will be doing so for nearly a day. It would likely be wise for us to get to our rooms.”

With Spike away from me, I quickly calmed down and sat up. “Tell the captain to keep us moving. Watcher’s in charge until I’m better. Find River and ask her to come to my room, find… Cascade I guess and ask her to watch over Zecora, then find Naiad and tell her that Flo got fucked up.” When I started to stand up, Spike quickly put a claw on my shoulder to support me. I shivered and immediately stepped away. “You’re probably the third most terrifying person here right now, Spike. Each scale looks razor sharp, you look like you’re about to cook me, and your eyes are seriously creeping me out. So please stay away.”

I had a feeling that if I was looking at him, he’d appear very hurt. As it was, he just sighed and said, “Okay, Nav…” One of the guards thankfully jumped forward to walk next to me as I started going below. I put a hand on his back to keep me steady.

Thankfully, the bat ponies didn’t have horrifying teeth. Their eyes were creepy, but the rest of their bodies were adorable and overall nonthreatening. Even if, you know, all of these were well-trained and very experienced soldiers.

The only person in the hall was Rarity, and she gasped when she saw my eyes. “Nav, are you okay?”

As soon as she said something, the world seemed to shift and I saw a… flicker. In an instant, I knew exactly what to say. “It’s not too late, Rarity.” A flash of purple and green came into view for just an instant.

She blinked. “W-what?”

My eyes seemed to zoom in on hers and she flinched back. All I saw was blue as her pupils shrank to pinpricks and locked onto mine. “He will forgive you, if you ask. The pain you caused, the scars he bears, the confusion in your minds. It will all go away with a few simple words. Take the plunge. Bring the one with whom you shared your pain, for she will help bear your burden.”

“I… I don’t…”

The world shifted again and everything seemed to whirl. Despite standing still, my body started falling until the guard caught me. “Let’s get you to your room, sir,” he quietly said, gently pushing me onto his back. Rarity didn’t even watch us leave. She just stared at where I had been standing.

Strangely enough—as if shit wasn’t already strange enough—Applejack was in my room, apparently waiting on me. When she saw the guard carrying me in, she jumped forward to help deliver me to the bed, then put a hoof to my shoulder.

“What happened?” she asked. “Y’all alright?”

Once again, the world flickered and her face became bestial, with blood-red eyes, sharp fangs, and an elongated snout. Despite that, I didn’t feel any fear. Instead, I took her hoof in my hand and said, “When my life is given as yours, remember the truth.”

She furrowed her brows and looked at the guard. “What’s wrong with him?”

The guard shrugged and said, “He got drugged by some tribals.”

Applejack turned back to me and froze. My eyes ensnared hers and my world became red. “When we share a silence in the darkest of lands, the night will come for us upon wings of blackness. Truth will fall to lies and be lost until the brightest of fires is caged.”

My eyes lost focus and I fell back onto the bed, letting the room swirl and dance around me. Applejack quickly backed away. “I… was gonna ask somethin’, but now might be a bad time.”

“The metal master dances with the shadow of time,” I said, seeing a minotaur surrounded by books. “Ask the princess-to-be to ferry you through the portal into death’s pocket.”

“Alright, I’m not sure how you knew I wanted to speak to Jak, but thanks. I think. But I don’t know who the princess-to-be is.”

She waited for a response, but my tongue suddenly felt too heavy to move. I lifted my hands up, only to find they were twitching and shaking too badly to touch anything safely.

After a few seconds, she quietly said, “Take care of yourself, Nav.” With that, she left, leaving just me and the guard.

“You uh… you want me to leave, sir?” he asked, taking a short step backwards.

“You killed them, Grey Boulder.” He froze as I burned. “None of them escaped that school. You held the torch. You fanned the flames. You listened to the screams. The sun wanted exactly one light extinguished and ordered them all to die to cover her sin.”

“I…”

My head slowly turned to him and he flinched back. Gold shrouded my vision as his eyes zoomed in. “Your time of redemption will come. You will save one thought lost and nearly lose yourself in the process. Upon your return from the trip to the lands of deepest darkness, retire to the land of your birth and foster love with the one you forsook long ago.”

Something entered the room behind him, making my eyes shift and breaking the spell on the guard. He fucking bolted from the room, leaving me alone with a water elemental.

“I have been told you are unwell,” River said.

I leaned back into bed so I didn’t have to watch her constantly moving body, then slowly exhaled a scarily large breath. When I was more properly centered, I said, “Yeah.”

“Mind or body?”

“My body feels… energetic. Sensitive. Out of control. Far away. My mind is… coming and going. I said some things to… I don’t even remember anymore. Things that made no sense. I think I scared some people.”

She moved closer to my bed and reached a tendril out to caress my forehead. “You are feverish. And your eyes are straight black.”

“I was drugged. I think.” My body suddenly felt icy and I asked, “What time is it? Did we free Flumen yet?”

Her tendril jerked back. “Only we knew the name of our lost sister. Did Flo tell you?”

“...No. I’m adrift in the river of time.” The cold disappeared and was replaced by heat again. “I feel Blaze locked in the tropical volcano, Char bound in the lake of fire, and Nestorats embroiled in the madness of war.” The heat waned and my vision dimmed slightly. “I see Slab embedded in the mountain to the east. I sense the talons of chaos stroking fate and provoking madness. The pawns are coming together, led by the soon to be free puppet.”

She moved forward and leaned over me, forcing my eyes to lock with hers. “Nothing you’re seeing is real, Nav.” Both my arms lifted up to hold her body. She said nothing as they slipped inside and her cool form molded to fit them. They instantly stopped twitching. “Flo is lost at the moment. I will soothe your soul in her place.”

The water around my arms slid down and engulfed me entirely, until my entire body was submerged in blue. After several seconds, blue turned to brown and she rolled off me and onto the floor.

“It’s gonna be a long damn ride,” I sighed.

The entrance of another caught my ears and then my eyes. Twilight looked at River with some concern before looking over at me. When she saw me, my eyes opened wider and I saw… infinity might be the closest word for it. She seemed to age a hundred years in an instant, growing several inches taller and sprouting two large, purple wings. Despite her age, she still seemed young, though much wiser. The crown on her head was fitted with a strange purple star.

Then she spoke and the illusion shattered. “Aqua told me something happened to you, Zecora, and Flo. What happened to this elemental?”

The strange feeling overcame me again and I said, “There will come a time for a choice, princess of magic.” Her brows furrowed, then her face seemed to relax as my eyes focused on hers and the world became purple. “You will be forced to decide between doing what is right in the most evil way possible or losing one you care about. Will you sacrifice yourself for your friend? You, who will live for eons, who is the chosen of the sun, who will command respect and love. Will you choose to live with the evil choice you made, or will you choose to live knowing you failed to save one you loved?”

When that was over, I fell back and started coughing. A dark black smoke came out of my lungs with each cough, until Twilight rushed over to me.

“Nav, what did you just do?” she asked.

“Don’t know,” I hoarsely replied. “I’ve been… doing that. Four times now. I just… I see something about a person and start talking. The shame on Rarity, the bestial features on Applejack, the horror on Grey Boulder, your wings and crown…” She put a hoof on my shoulder and leaned closer in to my face. I reached around her neck and hugged her. “I’m lost in time, Twilight. I keep slipping, getting lost! I clearly remember your coronation, but your wings aren’t even there yet! I can’t… I can’t stay centered!”

She put a hoof on my shoulder and carefully pushed me away so she could look at my eyes. I could barely meet her gaze, since I was watching all the symbols around her. The book, the crown, the heart, the skull, the ring… I could see the struggle in her face between wanting to be alone to learn and wanting to spend time with her friends, the inner war between two desires. I could see the fight between her fear of her own body and her need to give in to her budding sexuality. I could feel her dejection from Celestia avoiding her and her questions.

“What happened to you, Nav?”

“We were… we were drugged by a zebra shaman. He gave us something Zecora called true sight.” I looked over her shoulder and said, “Celestia loves you, Twilight. She wants what’s best for you, even if you can’t see it.”

She shook me slightly and said, “Focus, Nav! What happened? Where’s the shaman?”

“Disappeared. He was taken away by the souls of the dead. Long ago, at my first Halloween here, I explained humanity’s relationship with death to you, Twilight. I met him. I met the grim reaper himself, created by humans out of fear of our own demises. Your friends want you to be happy. They understand you’re not like all of them and know you need time to yourself to read. Don’t think you’re neglecting them.”

“You met… death itself?”

“And he showed me that Ava is still trapped in me. She’s chained to my body, unable to leave because I’m soulless, a mere simulacrum of the true Anonymous.”

She blinked. “Is that your name?”

“When I die, there will be nothing waiting for me. I am a puppet. But that can be fixed. I think… I’ll need your help.”

“You’ll have it. Now, can you tell me anything at all about the visions you’re having? Are they true, or guaranteed to happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you see anything about yourself?”

My head slowly panned across the room. On my sword, I saw the crown of the once and future king, along with a veil of darkness. My ring was being worn by a strange talon and the symbols etched into it were burning. The gun was cracked and held together by some kind of putty and duct tape. The baton I got from Athena’s realm was slowly spinning in circles.

When I lifted my right hand up, I just saw my fingers twitching randomly. When I lifted my left hand, I saw a ring embedded on one of my fingers. “Zecora said… not to look in a mirror,” I said.

“I’m going to assume she had a good reason for saying that. Do you remember what you told Rarity, Applejack, and Grey Boulder?”

“No. It just came out.”

She stood there for a moment and a few sparks came out of her horn. When they stopped popping out, she sighed and said, “I’m going to go get some paper and a pen. I’d like to write down any prophecy you say. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

My voice left me again, so I couldn’t ask her to wait. She walked out, probably planning the best way to study my horrific suffering. Of course, as soon as she stepped out, a smiling Pinkie stepped in. She didn’t say anything at first, just walked over to the window and opened it.

“Aren’t they so pretty?” she finally asked, looking out.

“...Who?” I asked.

“The air dancers,” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I didn’t start seeing them until Aerie became my best friend forever, but I love watching them swim through the air! And now you can see them, too.”

I turned my head to look toward the wall, where Ava was clutching at the chain. “Can you see her?”

“Yep! I knew you wouldn’t believe me, so I didn’t tell you. I’ve seen others, too. They follow you a lot.”

Something suddenly flew through the open window. I couldn’t really tell what at first or if I was even really seeing something, but then I noticed that there was a certain fluctuation in the air around Pinkie, right before her hair started moving slightly.

“Aerie said you were telling fortunes, so I came to get mine!” She hopped across the room to my bed and stuck her face right in front of mine. “Am I gonna win the lottery, Navi?”

My mind clicked again and the world seemed to shift. “You are happiness, mare of pink. You win the lottery every time you see someone smile.” Her eyes seemed to zoom in even more and my world became a pretty baby blue. “But that’s not enough for you, is it? You attempt to fill your life with mindless laughs and friendly banter, but your heart is missing something. Something it will never find, should you stay your course. The thing in your head will make finding true love impossible. You will never be lonely, yet you will always be alone. There will come a time to choose between your friend and your love. Between one seen as monstrous and one seen as beloved.”

The world whirled and my body seemed to seize up. The twitchiness ramped up until my whole body was shivering. Pinkie watched with an unreadable expression on her face until my body stopped.

“That was a horrible fortune,” she quietly said.

“But interesting,” Twilight butted in from where she was standing at the door, writing something on a mobile desk. “Close to the one he gave me, minus the princess part.”

Pinkie gasped. “You’re gonna be a princess?!”

“He seems to think so.” She put her pen down and walked over to my bed to put a hoof on my forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Like death,” I gasped. “I can feel them watching me from the window…” Sure enough, when I looked over there, several ghosts were very much staring at me.

“Who is?” Twilight asked, also looking over there. Of course, she didn’t see anything.

“The air dancers, silly,” Pinkie said, jovially tousling Twilight’s hair.

“Air… dancers?” she asked, looking to me.

“Spirits,” I replied, still staring at them. “They follow the ship. Some, we killed. Some, the pirates killed. Harmless, I guess…”

“Huh.”

“They’re really pretty!” Pinkie said, walking over to the window. She booped one on the nose and it seemed to dance away, making Pinkie giggle.

My eyes slowly moved to Twilight’s, a silent entreaty for help. She rolled her eyes and said, “Pinkie, would you mind leaving Nav alone? He’s really sick right now and anyone else being in the room increases the chance of him having an… episode.”

She sighed. “I guess. Being trapped in the ship is just so boring, though!”

“You’ll live,” Twilight said, then pointed to the door. “Now out.”

Pinkie sighed one more time and left. Aerie followed behind her, having not said a single word.

When they were gone, Twilight looked down at River, who was still blobbed up on the floor. Her head tilted and she said, “Aqua will be by shortly to pick her up. Flo is still just like her, but they’re pretty sure it’s temporary. All the same, they’d like to have them around the other elementals.”

Right as she finished, everything in my mind became clear for an instant. It felt like all my mental problems were solved, all my worries were gone, and everything was right in the world. Then my vision went black.

“Uh. Nav, why are your eyes grey?”

The next two or so hours were awful. Strange and occasionally awful visions came and went randomly. My body was in full panic mode the entire time, pumping adrenaline through me and making me struggle to breathe. A small lucid voice in the back of my head kept having to remind me who and where I really was. I wasn’t in control of my body and could barely move, so at least I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else.

When I came to, I was naked and coated in sweat. The good news is that I was still in my bed. The bad news is that the world was still wavy. In fact, it actually got worse, the fake patterns reaching deeper and deeper. I turned my head to look around and the lag between moving my head and my sight changing made me hit my head on what I found out was Twilight.

She looked over when I hit her and I guess she saw my eyes back to their normal color. She smiled and asked, “Feeling better?”

“No.”

She slid off the bed and said, “Yes you are. For the last few hours, you couldn’t answer any questions. You’re coherent enough to respond, now. And you had all kinds of interesting things to say, too!”

I slowly sat up, shivering slightly at the feel of air against my wet skin. “What happened?”

“You entered some kind of strange fugue state and said several things that sounded prophetic. I wrote it all down word for word. Most of it sounds crazy, but I’ll send a copy to Celestia and one to the unicorn tower to see if they can make any sense of them. Are you still… lost in time, so to say?”

I blinked a few times, staring at her. Then I saw something and flinched slightly. “Your wedding will be beautiful. Cadance will officiate. I… I can’t see who the groom is, though.”

She shrugged. “That’s something to look forward to, at least. You seem a little bit more stable than you were before the fugue state. I had someone speak to Zecora before she also entered that state and she said it would start tapering down slowly. Maybe your tree biology is making it faster.”

“How’s Flo? And River?”

Her head tilted for a second and she said, “The same, though some color is starting to return. Zecora was still in that strange state last I checked.”

“Ship?”

“Fine. Some kind of flying monster attacked, but Kat and Spike killed it. It’s getting close to night and I know Spike said he wanted to check on you before he went to sleep. Do you mind? I know he’s worried…”

I fell back onto the bed and sighed. “I think I can handle him now. Does Taya know?”

“Not yet, though that might change before I go to bed. I just knew you’d be worried about her worrying about you, so I was going to wait until you were mostly better to tell her. And I know how you feel about being...” Babied? “...nursed. I imagined that would do little for your already fragile state. Now really, how are you feeling?”

“I’m still seeing… things. Everything’s shifting and spiraling. Patterns where there aren’t any. My mind is still pretty far out there. I’m stuck thinking about… things I’ve said. And done. And why I’ve said and done them…”

“Well, I’m here for you, Nav. If you need to tell me anything—”

“I’ve never felt like I belonged.” She blinked. “And I don’t just mean here in the horse world. Back in my own time, too. I distance myself from everyone, putting a barrier up no matter who they are. And now, no one even knows my real name. I’m so used to being abandoned or left behind that it doesn’t feel like anyone’s worth getting to know, because they’re just going to leave me, too. Or I’ll leave them…”

She was silent for several long seconds before quietly saying, “I felt like that, once. Judging by what little I know of your foalhood, your reasons are likely much better than mine.” She stopped talking for another few moments before sighing and saying, “Friendship is hard, Nav. And dangerous. You force yourself to open up in ways you never thought you could. You make yourself vulnerable.” She looked away for about half a minute before turning her eyes back to my soul. “And you become stronger for it. For a long time, I believed that ponies were the friendliest race of all and that we could change the world for the better because of it.” Her head started shaking a little and her voice became slightly strained. “You and Spike taught me that isn’t true. All sapient races crave friendship. All sapient races crave acceptance. Everyone craves and needs love. For a very long time, I was afraid to admit that to myself.”

My mind told me to do something, so I lifted a hand to hold her cheek.

She smiled and leaned into it. “You’ve opened so many of us up, Nav. For the first time ever, I feel like I belong in the world, not just in Equestria. I feel like we as ponies belong to a collective group of sapience that can get along. Because of you. And I want you to know that you belong right there with us. And not just know it, but feel it. Nav, humans are the parents of all sapient life in existence. And like any good parent, knowingly or not, happily or not, easily or not, you taught your children how to get along. Whether or not you think it, you taught us by example. You came into this world alone and afraid. Fully ignorant. But only once have I seen you treat any race differently, and that was out of fear instead of ignorance. I don’t think you’ll ever realize the amount of respect you command among all the elite of the world because of that.”

For a while, all I could do is sit there in silence. Finally, my hand fell back. I don’t know if I was tired or if my body and mind were in a collective shock.

She chuckled and gently pushed me back onto the bed, leaving a hoof on my shoulder. “I know thinking is hard for you at the moment. And I really doubt you would have told me what you just did if you weren’t drugged. But you have friends that love you, Nav. Me. Spike. Celestia. Cadance. Chrysalis, as weird as that is to say. You have a daughter that loves and needs you. I understand being afraid of being abandoned. But if it happens, it happens. I know you’ll think this is a mindless platitude, but enjoy the time you have while you have it. Keeping a barrier up seems easy, but it’s exhausting. You have friends that want to help you. You have friends that want to hear what you have to say. You have loved ones that you can confide your fears in.”

My mind took a dark turn toward the haunted bunker from hell and my eyes seemed to open wider. She saw that and moved her hoof from my shoulder to my cheek.

“I know you think ponies are weak, Nav. That we can’t handle big problems. In some ways, that might be true. But for you, as friends, we’re as strong as you need us to be. Because friends share strength. You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to tell us, but we want to hear anything you can say. You’re important to us, and I want you to understand that.”

She finally shut up. Everything about me felt stunned. Her eyes were drawing me in, their sincerity doing something I thought could never happen to me again. For the first time in a very, very long time, my heart seemed to… feel again.

“I…” Words failed me, so I turned to her for strength in the only way I currently could: pulling her into a hug. Of course, she practically fell on top of me, but she hugged me back. “I can’t… talk right now, Twilight. I can’t think. I can’t… I can’t go back there. Not now. And I might forget this, when I’m… okay again. But I’m going to make a promise that I want you to hold me to. When I’m back, I want to tell you about me. If I forget, tell me… tell me it’s what Jane would have wanted. I might be angry, but I’ll listen.”

“I will, Nav. You might not feel like you belong right now, but I hope I can help you realize you always did.”

“I hope so, Twilight. I’m… tired. Of being alone. Of… pushing others away.”

“Then it’s time to let your friends help prop you up. We’ll share the burden to finally let you rest.”

Holding onto her was proving too much for my beleaguered body, and honestly, it felt like everything that needed to be said had been. Those two things in mind (at least, long enough for it to count), I let her go.

She pulled away from me, a large smile on her face. “You look relaxed, Nav.”

“I feel like I’m… soaring.”

“Having a weight lifted from your shoulders is like that.” Her eyes pulled away from mine and glanced at the window, where the sun had gone down. “Unfortunately, it’s late.” She looked back at me. “Aqua could keep me awake in theory, but refuses to do so when I don’t have magic in reserve. I’m not going to leave you unwatched. Can you handle having Spike in here? Or do you think he’d scare you? He really wants to make sure you’re okay and I think letting him see you in your moment of weakness would make him feel more… trusted, I guess?”

“I can handle him. The visuals are getting worse, but I think my mind is back. Mostly. For now. Just send an elemental or something if I start screaming.”

“Of course. I’ll be here when he first comes in, at least. Aqua, do you mind?” Her head tilted and she nodded. “Do you care if he sees you naked or not?”

“No.”

I felt her slowly redressing me with her eyes, from bottom to top. When she got to my head, she asked, “Do you still feel terrible about being a mare?”

“Yes. Mostly accepted, but I can’t handle this bullshit monthly subscription to Satan’s waterfall that I never ordered.”

“What in—Oh. That.” She went silent for some time, possibly thinking of something to say. Sure enough, she eventually nodded slightly and said, “A few months after I first got into Celestia’s special magic school, I had to take a combat class where younger unicorns are paired up with older ones to show them the ropes. I got a teenaged colt that didn’t think too highly of mares. On our first sparring match, he refused to even put up a shield, thinking I couldn’t hurt him. I put him on the ground, breaking his ribs. After calling for the medical teachers, my professor walked up to the colt and said something I’ll never forget. Mares go through heat every month. Mares give birth. Mares send their sons to war. Mares watch their fabled beauty decay. Mares are made of pain, and that is their strength. That is our strength, Nav, even if you don’t feel like you’re truly one of us.”

I was silent for a few moments before blurting out the first thing that honestly came to my mind. “That’s fucking retarded.”

She flinched back a little, but couldn’t really retort since Spike walked in.

He saw me and a relieved smile came to his face. My eyes glanced at his teeth, but quickly jolted to his eyes. When I looked at Twilight the first time, I thought I saw eternity. I thought I saw agelessness. But when I looked into Spike’s green eyes, I saw a truly endless chasm. In some places, it was deeply dark, and in others it was so bright that it hurt to see.

Occasional spires of land seemed to shoot up from the bottom of the chasm, linked together by bridges of action. On each spire, I could see Spike standing with another being, followed by a bridge being forged to span another stretch of eternity. As the spires became more numerous, Spike grew and grew, becoming ancient and huge.

The figures seemed to range from species to species, some familiar faces and some unknown. I appeared more than once, as did Twilight, Celestia, and Luna. After enough spires rose and were left behind, I began to notice a trend. The appearance of me or Twilight prefaced light in his life. Luna and Celestia brought darkness.

Never once did he appear on a spire alone.

After thousands of spires passed, a touch from Twilight brought me back to the present. I came to, gasping for breath and wresting my gaze from Spike’s.

“Are you okay?” Twilight asked, trying to get me to look at her.

I couldn’t, though. Mere seconds after I was able to look away from Spike, my head forced my eyes back onto his and my world became green. “Born in captivity, raised for obedience, trained in servitude. Pawn of the greats. Remember that being king of the skies means being the slave of the sun and moon.”

Even as I said it, I knew my words would hurt him and I tried stopping myself. One of my arms clutched at my chest, trying to forcefully pull the words away before they could come out.

Nothing I did could stop the flow. “Your path is not forked. No great choice awaits you. You mold yourself to another and become their hands. The sun, the moon, the mother, the outsider, the gold, the warrior, the lover. You will know many masters. They will draw your path and you will blindly tread it.”

The hand at my chest moved to my face, but refused to cover my eyes or mouth. It felt like tears were coming from my eyes, but I couldn’t rub at them or look at my hands to check.

And the words kept coming. “You will be evil. You will be good. You will become a villain. You will become the hero. You will be, for ages and ages. You will question and you will bicker, but you will do. You will hate yourself and those who guide you, but you will do. You will love. You will lose. You will pretend to live, but never truly make it. You will fall into deepest darkness and soar in brightest light. Your future is vast and endless, true spawn of man, but never for a moment think that it is your own. There is one more chance to claim it as your own, but you already know the choice you will make. The last true choice you will make.”

Just like that, the green left my vision and the world became red. Spike fell backwards, clutching at his chest, but I could barely see him. My eyes were burning and my chest felt like it was on fire. Both of my hands covered my eyes as I writhed on the bed, mouth open for a silent scream of agony.

I’m sure Twilight had a big moment of panic, not quite knowing who to help, but she quickly decided that physical pain was more urgent than emotional trauma, so she ripped one of my hands away from my face and gasped in horror. “Your eyes are bleeding!”

Apparently that shocked Spike back out of his little mini-crisis thing and he rushed over to the bed. After confirming that I was, in fact, fucked up, he jumped to a drawer, grabbed the first shirt he saw, tore a strip off, and then rushed back to tie it around my head to cover my eyes.

I heard Twilight run out while he applied pressure to the makeshift bandage. A minute later, two sets of hooves rushed back in. One was Twilight, who said, “He was looking at Spike and then it just started happening!”

Watcher’s medic, a stallion named Black Fate, said, “Zecora’s also having several very strange effects. I’ve been watching her with an elemental for the past two hours.” He quickly walked over to my bed and said, “Let him go, Spike.”

“Are you sure? She’s—”

“I’m a medic, Spike. I need to see the wound.”

Spike’s grip on me eased, but Twilight cleared her throat and started talking before he could let me go fully. “Nav’s been seeing things about everyone he’s looked at so far. The side-effects have gotten… considerably worse.”

“I know. Zecora had some very unpleasant things to say about me. But Rarity came to check on her. When Zecora looked at her, she had nothing to say. So I tested it with Applejack as well. It appears that once the drug tells the so-called prophecy it has for a given individual, it has nothing more to say to them. Navarone will very likely not enter a prophetic state upon seeing me.”

After a few seconds, Spike finally let me go. “Just be careful, sir,” he quietly said.

The medic gently removed the cloth from my eyes. I didn’t try opening them. “Can you hear me, sir?” he asked.

“Yes. Do you want me to open my eyes?”

“If you can.” I slowly opened them both, wincing slightly at the light. Bleeding apparently made them even more sensitive. “Does everything appear to look alright?”

“I… think so. Shit’s still wavy as fuck and I can still see things that aren’t there.” I flinched slightly at the spirit that appeared over his shoulder. “Your son doesn’t blame you. He knows whose fault it was.”

His mouth tightened. “Zecora already told me, thank you. And plenty more besides. Close your eyes again.” I did so. I heard him reach into a bag, then uncork something. He started carefully washing my face with a wet rag, getting all the blood out. “Have you had a seizure yet?”

“He did,” Twilight said. “After looking at Pinkie.”

“That was Zecora’s latest side-effect. She’s seen fewer ponies, I suppose.” When all the blood was gone, he took out a dry towel and wiped the excess water away. “These effects are getting worse and worse. I tested the black smoke she coughed up and found that it was poisonous. I can’t in good conscience quarantine them while they’re in this state, but I recommend something like a blindfold. It’ll probably stop the visions they’re seeing.”

Twilight sighed and said, “As interesting as this is, it would be for the best. I don’t want either of them hurt. And that last one was… particularly unpleasant.” Spike coughed quietly.

Black Fate pulled something else out of his bag and said, “Spike, do you mind? Without magic, knots are slightly more difficult.”

“Yeah.” A few moments later, he gently lifted my head off the bed and loosely tied something around my eyes. “Too tight?”

“Just fine,” I said, opening my eyes to try to see. Whatever it was, it blocked all my sight, for better or worse. My body still felt far away and my mind was still rolling, but at least I wasn’t seeing weird shit anymore.

The medic put a hoof on my shoulder. “I plan to spend the night in Zecora’s room, sir,” he said. “She doesn’t have your… innate resistances. Or experience, apparently. If you begin feeling ill or start having any kind of pain, send someone for me immediately. And of course, have at least one person with you. Preferably two, but one will do for now. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He increased the pressure on my shoulder for a moment before letting go and backing up. “Call me if you need me, sir.” With that, he walked out.

“Does it still hurt?” Spike asked.

“Spike, I’m… sorry about what I just said. I… I don’t even know what it means.”

He put one of his claws on my shoulder, but didn’t say anything. Twilight did, though. “Nav’s been saying a lot of stuff. Zecora, too. I spoke to Applejack and everything she told me sounded like nonsense.”

“Grey Boulder? Pinkie? Rarity?” I quietly asked.

Spike’s grip tightened on that last one and he started talking before Twilight could respond. “Rarity spoke to me earlier, actually,” he said. “She brought Fluttershy. She finally… said some things about what she did to me.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, what you told Rarity wasn’t really a prophecy. It was just… good advice.”

“What did you tell her?” Spike asked.

“No clue,” I sighed. “What I said to you is already fading.”

“He told her to talk to you,” Twilight said. “It’s good to know she took the advice. She’s been walking on eggshells ever since you left with Nav. I didn’t show her the note, but I think she knew. Only time will tell if what you said to the other ponies comes true. Unfortunately, prophecies are usually impossible to decipher until they’ve already come to pass. If, of course, these are actually prophecies and not just flights of fancy brought on by a psychoactive drug.”

“Magic exists in this world, Twilight,” I said. “Magic that you and Celestia know nothing about. Zecora seems to think these drugs open the doorway to another realm, or something like that. I know I can damn sure see dead spirits. After learning about true magic and seeing what the monkeys can do, I’d advise keeping an open mind.”

“Oh, I am,” she said. “Keeping an open mind doesn’t mean mindlessly believing something we have no proof of. You and Zecora can see what you think are spirits, but you’ve told me before about human drugs that made people see things. For all we know, this is the same.”

“...And for all we know, those human drugs were the same doorways. We lived in the same world, after all, just across time.”

“Very true.” She fell silent for a few moments before saying, “I need to get ready for bed. Spike, can you watch Nav for a while? When you need to sleep, find someone else to watch him.”

“I can do that, Twilight. If she isn’t seeing things, it probably won’t be too hard.”

“Good. Nav, do you need anything before I go?”

“Don’t let Aqua control your dreams tonight. You’ll dream about infinite, messy, greasy hay burgers.”

“...Goodnight, you two.” She walked out and closed the door behind her.

For a minute or two, all I could hear was Spike slowly breathing. Finally, he gingerly sat down on the bed next to me. Before he could speak, I said, “Gilda wouldn’t be opposed. You just need to be more active in it.”

“Um. What?”

“I can feel it, Spike. I can feel your need, your desire. It’s in the way you move, the tint of your voice. You need release, but you’re a predator. You need to fight for it. Ever since you learned about Dash, you’ve been thinking about your time with Gilda. Do it. Tame her. But know that she won’t be yours. It’ll just be fun for her.”

“And you can just… just sense that?”

“...Yeah. I guess I can.”

“Cool! What else can you tell?”

“More than you’d like to hear. More than I’d like to say.”

He went silent again for a little while. Eventually he said, “You already told me some stuff I didn’t want to hear. Might as well say the rest.” Things got quiet for half a minute. I put my hand on his back and he stiffened slightly. Another thirty seconds went by. He cleared his throat.

“You’re nervous.” He shifted. “Not about me being out of my mind. About me. You’re a dragon. Raised by ponies. You know I’m different from them. Less touchy. Less feely. You don’t know how different, even now. Every time you do something near me or to me, you feel like I push you away. You want my approval but don’t know how to get it. You’re afraid that I’ll keep pushing you away until I’m too far to follow. You consider me one of the best friends you’ve ever had, but you’re worried that to me, you’re just another person.”

He sat there for another minute before speaking up. “Yeah. That… that sounds about right.”

My hand slipped off his back and found one of his claws. “I am different from ponies. I do think you’re strangely touchy and feely sometimes. And you don’t know how different I am from the ponies. But I rely on you, Spike. In a lot of ways. When I was alone in this world, you helped me adjust. When I was new here, you helped teach me how to live. I’ve helped you and you’ve helped me. You’re a friend to me, Spike. Don’t worry about changing yourself to make me comfortable. I became friends with Spike, not with Navarone’s ideal version of Spike. You will do things that annoy me. I will do things that annoy you. It will take more than either of us would do on accident to end the relationship we have.”

The silence returned with a vengeance. After a few minutes of silence, he just said, “Oh.”

“I can keep going, if you want. I didn’t even mention the part where you’re even more confused about how to act around me now that I have a vagina. Or the part where you like how I smell so much you’re worried about losing control whenever you see me.”

“Hey, I can’t help that!”

I let go of his claw and put both hands behind my head. “Fucking predators, man. I guess we’re all ruled by some animal instincts, but you guys have it hard. Kat has all the sadism of a cat with the intelligence of a man. Gilda has the sadism of a cat with the power of an eagle and the intelligence of… well, she’s not really all that bright, but she’s still at least sapient. And all of you are slaves to pheromones. Sucks to suck, I guess.”

He snorted. “You’d know a lot about that, wouldn’t you?”

“Sucking? I’ve been on the business end of that several times, yes. Two princesses, a queen, several common peasants. So yeah, I might know a thing or two. And I might have distributed some sucking as well. But there’s nothing wrong with that, now is there?”

“You tell me, mister straight human with the body of a mare.”

I shrugged. “I do what’s fun. If it feels good and everyone consents, what does it matter?”

“I’ll be sure to remember that if you ever get your real body back.”

“Is that an offer I hear there, Spike?”

He went silent for a moment before shifting on the bed. “If I’m ever going to do something like that, it would definitely be with a friend that I trust.”

“Uh huh. Well, I promise to be gentle while making you scream my name. Though you’d probably have more fun with Rarity, now that she apologized. I know she likes being spanked. You could work off a little of your frustration with her…”

“No.” The way he said that, I decided not to keep pushing. Besides, another wave was hitting me. My body started shaking like crazy. “You cold?” he asked.

There was no way I could answer him, though the answer was no. It felt like spiders were crawling up and down my entire body and something was yanking on my spine to make my entire body move. After several seconds, he jumped off the bed and just like that, it stopped, leaving me panting.

“What happened?” he asked, putting a claw on my shoulder.

“Don’t… don’t know,” I gasped, one of my hands going to my chest. “Where’s Red? I need her to…” My voice tapered off as I realized something.

“...Who’s Red?” Spike asked.

“I don’t know.” I knew exactly who she was, but I hadn’t met her yet. And I knew that it would be at least a year before I did meet her. I also knew that she would replace someone I grew very close to, for the most part.

“What did you need her to do?” he asked.

“Bring me water,” I slowly said, trying to get her out of my mind. “My entire body feels dry all of a sudden.”

“I’ll be right back, I promise.” As soon as he let me go, I completely forgot who Red was. By the time he was out the door, I forgot I had even mentioned her.

Sure enough, he did get right back to me with a large pitcher of water and a glass with some kind of straw. He started to pour me a glass, but I dropped it and held my hand out for the pitcher instead. He knew I couldn’t see it, but he sighed and handed it to me anyway. Moments later, it was empty and I felt much better.

When I handed it back, he asked, “So why did you ask for Red?”

“Who?”

“You wanted her to get you water.”

“...I did?” He sighed and walked away for a moment before coming back, presumably having put the pitcher down. “I’m sorry, Spike. This stuff is fucking with me hard. For the first hour, I was completely lost in time. I guess I’m still getting aftershocks.”

“You need to try to relax, Nav. Stop thinking so much, you know? It might help.”

“Have you ever tried to relax, Spike? It’s a paradox. This shit has me all over the place. Thankfully I can’t see anymore, or I’d still be seeing all kinds of awful stuff, but my body still feels really strange.”

“Hm.” He reached over and carefully stroked my lower leg. “Did that hurt?”

“No. Feels… tingly. Other people touching me feels really weird.”

“Uh huh. Remember how you said I could rub your belly?”

“Now… might not be the best time.”

He grabbed my feet and twisted, spinning me over so I was lying on my stomach. “I’ll start back… Nav, why is there something… something in your butt?”

“Twilight is sexually dominating me and wanted me to get used to anal and I probably shouldn’t have told you that.”

“Huh.” He straddled my back and moved my arms so they were on either side of me, then leaned back. I heard him take a deep breath before feeling a small blast of heat on my back. When it disappeared, his extremely warm claws started prodding my back. “Too hot?”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Used steam to warm my claws up. Doppel suggested it.”

“...It’s not too hot.”

“Good.” With that, his claws stopped prodding and started kneading, making me gasp. “I’ll stop when you tell me to,” he said. “Belly rub or not. But if I don’t get there today, I will later.”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to reply. At that point, my entire body felt amazing and he had just started. Of course, I knew I would probably enjoy it a little too much…

But what better way to help someone relax than giving them an orgasm? Or two. Or five...

He rubbed all around my wings before slowly moving his claws up them. He stopped right before the feathers, though. “Nav?”

“Don’t ask. Just do.”

[Sex incoming, if you hadn’t guessed. ctrl+f “Sex is over” if you’re afraid of the most fun two adults can have together]

He let go of the left wing so he could use one hand to hold my right while slowly tracing it. Every now and then, he’d correct a feather that was out of place or brush off an imagined piece of filth. It felt amazing and I was holding back moans before he even finished that portion.

Once all the feathers were preened, he hugged it for a moment to get his claws back, then I felt another small burst of heat. When he gripped the wing again, his claws were freshly warm. He started running both hands through the inner wing, slowly rubbing every cluster of nerves.

After the second one, I wasn’t holding the moans back anymore. It would normally feel pretty fucking ballin’. But on the drugs, my entire body was strangely sensitive, so that ballin’ turned straight orgasmic. My legs started twitching very quickly and when he hit the biggest node, I actually came.

This wasn’t a normal female orgasm, that cut through my entire body and made me completely warm. This was mind-blowing, something that made all of me stiffen up and start shaking in pleasure. I swear it lasted half a minute, especially since he kept rubbing that cluster the entire time.

When it was mostly over, he chuckled and shifted, letting his engorged dragonhood press against my back. “Remember when you said that I didn’t know how to act around you? Sure it isn’t the other way around?”

“Kill yourself,” I happily sighed, fluttering the wing he was holding.

He laughed again and let that wing go, only to grip the second one to repeat the process. My body was still sensitive after the first one, so I flinched in shock. He… he spanked me, planting a bright red mark on my ass and making the plug in me jerk around. “Now you lie there and take this massage like a good mare, Nav. Stop jerking around.”

“No… no promises.”

“Well, I like watching you jiggle, so I don’t mind spanking you more.” And I don’t mind being spanked, with the plug back there… Good lord, that was intense! Not that he needed to know that, of course.

He went back to rubbing my wings, so I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. The next orgasm hit when he was halfway through and it was just as strong, making me actually cry out. My legs squeezed against nothing and my body tried pulling away from him, but he let go of my wing and spanked me again until it was over. Of course, each slap strangely made me feel better and better, which might have been why he did it.

Once those throes of pleasure left me, he finished up the wing and moved on to my lower back. Of course, that meant he was now straddling my ass. Because of the drug and the previous orgasms, my body was extremely sensitive, so the lower back rub made me moan and probably made me even more wet between my legs.

Thankfully, that’s not too large of an area, so he quickly moved on, straddling my thighs to rub my butt. “It’s strange,” he said as he slowly pressed against the tender flesh. “So much of your body feels hard, but then this area is nice and squishy. Other races are fun.” I saw no need to reply to that. Dragons had their fun points, but I definitely prefered squishy to leathery.

When he finished playing with my lower cheeks, he started fondling my thighs. That place was extremely sensitive, so my legs automatically opened, granting him access to the warm wetness within.

Which he completely ignored, of course. He massaged the back of my thighs and then moved on to my lower legs, making me grunt. There wasn’t much for him to do on my legs at that point, so he finished up by trying to give me a foot fetish.

I’m really not into feet at all, but the way he was rubbing them almost made me wish I was. It felt amazing, even though they weren’t particularly sore. And the warmth against my soles heated up my entire body even more.

Once he was done molesting my poor feet, he carefully spun me over onto my back, so my wings wouldn’t get twisted up. When I was properly situated, he gently sat on my stomach. “You have a nice smile, Nav. You should do it more.”

“You have a nice go fuck yourself,” I replied, trying and failing to hide the silly smile I had. “You should do that more.”

“Nah. Not when you and Gilda are around.” As much as I wanted to flip him off, my arms didn’t want to move at the moment.

He started with my shoulders. They were already pretty loose from the back massage, but I guess he wanted to be thorough. Once he gave up on that, he moved to my upper chest. The muscles there don’t do too much work for me, so he got them loosened up quickly.

Then he moved to my breasticles, of course. My nipples had been hard since he started, and he damn sure made sure to take advantage of that. Despite being made for ripping flesh, his claws were extremely gentle as they slowly rubbed my nipples and areola, making me quietly whimper.

Truth be told, I never paid those weird protrusions much attention. As a guy, they served no purpose. But as a girl, apparently I had been extremely neglectful. Those things were super sensitive and I could feel my body tremble as he played with them. Honestly, I wanted to tell him to start sucking on them, but I figured that would be rude.

And, you know, I doubt I could have found my voice anyway.

Once he finished the boob job, he scooted back further and started rubbing my stomach. It felt pretty fucking meh, all things told. Or at least, the upper stomach did. Once he started getting lower and lower, it actually started feeling good. Not something I’d go out of my way to get, but still strangely neat.

When he finished there, he stopped for a moment. “Thoughts?” he asked.

“Don’t waste your time in the future.”

“Worth a try,” he said. “We can come back to a certain part of you later.” Apparently he decided to skip over my fun hole and upper thighs so he could concentrate on fully teasing me first. So I guess he decided to go for my knees and shit, because there’s totally enough nerve endings there to make it worth it, right?

Right guys?

I wonder about Spike sometimes.

When he got a complete lack of results down there, he moved back to the place I had been craving his touch since right around the time he started. “I’m feeling kinda tired—”

“I’ll cut you,” I broke in.

He slowly eased my legs open and leaned in. I could feel his warm breath pushing against me, making me squirm and moan. He chuckled, throwing more warm air against me, and then let my legs go.

Since apparently I hadn’t suffered enough, he started slowly rubbing my left inner thigh, massaging it to loosen up my tense muscles there. Every touch tingled and made my sensitive flesh crave more. He moved to the other thigh and I actually came again, sending more juices trickling out onto the bed. He whistled lowly and continued massaging my inner thighs.

When he did as much as he could there, he stopped for a second. “So are you sure—”

“I have a knife. I will—Aah!” He replied by shoving two fingers in me. My legs immediately tightened around him, trying to stop him from escaping.

He giggled and started giving my insides a proper massage as well. The need that had been building inside of me the whole time was finally being fulfilled and my body showed it by squeezing that poor claw of his as much as it could. When he had enough playing around, he curled his fingers and pulled up, rubbing against my g-spot and making me scream in pleasure.

Right as he did that a second time, another wave of visions and convulsions hit. I was already shaking so badly from what he was doing that he didn’t even notice I was seizing up from the drugs. As scary as it was, it also essentially turned him into a vibrator.

The pleasure was so intense that I couldn’t even prophesize properly. I could see the battle in my mind clear as day, the horrible life-and-death fight between me and Nestorats, the blood of the deep warrior leaking next to me as he paid his debt, and then the clarion call of victory as my army celebrated. I could see the armies of the damned spread beneath me as we marched on Mount Oberon.

I could see the choice I would be given as we prepare to assault the fastness of the sun. But god help me, I couldn’t see the options I would take.

All of that hit me right as I was in the middle of the strongest orgasm in my life. After such a horrible day and after going so hard for so long, my body and my mind had enough. I blacked out from pleasure and fell into one of the best nights of sleep I’ve ever had.

[“Sex is over”]

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Seven—Drugs are Bad, M'Kay

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Seven—Drugs are Bad, M'Kay

When I woke up, it was still dark outside. The world was still wavy, but I was seeing fewer strange symbols around me. Ava was still attached to my neck and a quick look out the window showed that I could also see the spirits swimming through the air around us.

Spike was asleep on the floor, curled up in some makeshift bedding. There’s no telling why he thought he needed a blanket, but whatever. I didn’t want to wake him and I really didn’t want to be cooped up in my room anymore, so I grabbed a towel and a set of clothes and started silently padding to the closest shower.

The halls were empty, of course. The few soldiers and crew members that were awake were probably on the deck, making sure nothing accosted the ship. Everyone else was sleeping. It felt like it should have been eerie for my drugged up mind, but everything felt very right.

The water from the shower felt amazing. Each drop was tingly and sent ripples of sensations out through my entire body. While I was paying attention to what I was feeling, my body cleaned itself on autopilot. I suppose once you do something enough, you can just do it without even thinking about it, even while you’re drugged up.

Or maybe especially while you’re drugged up. I didn’t even notice that I was done until I was drying myself off. What brought me out of autopilot was drying between my legs, when it clicked that I was trying to dry something that was no longer there. My mind jerked back on in an instant, making me flinch slightly.

Then I shook my head and finished drying off my body. I let my hair stay wet, since there was so much of it. That shit took ages to dry and it wasn’t worth my time. Instead, I let it hang limply and got dressed so I could walk around the ship without eliciting any inappropriate responses.

Once I was adorned in the proper clothing, I quietly ambled on up to the deck. In one way, it felt strange to be up there without weapons or armor. But in another way, it felt very right, like having weapons at the moment would be wrong.

The guards were all intently focused outward and I wasn’t wearing shoes, so I was moving too quietly for them to really hear. None of them noticed me until I walked up to the front of the ship. As soon as my presence was noted, Watcher’s second in command walked right up to me, a mare named Sentinel.

“Can I help you, sir?” she tersely asked.

From her tone and the way she was standing, I picked up on something I should have noticed a while ago. “You don’t like me,” I said, looking down into her eyes. She didn’t make any kind of response. “You think I’m… unprofessional. Too young to be leading. Irresponsible. And a bad influence on… the one you admire.” That actually made her flinch very slightly. “You’ve plotted against me. Tried to poison Watcher’s opinion of me.” I looked back out into Africa. “No, I don’t need any help. I’m right where I need to be. The spirits are calling.”

“...Sir, I believe you should be lying down. You seem paranoid and your eyes are still black.”

“Your first born will be a filly. She’ll craft beautiful glass figurines.” Her head tilted slightly. “Return to your post, Sentinel. You’ll be needed soon. And tell Dense Fog to aim low.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Your safety is your own problem. If we get attacked, I’m not risking my neck for you.” I said nothing, so she went back to her proper post. The other guards shared looks, but none of them spoke up.

About ten minutes later, I looked to my right, where Ava was connected to me. “Can you understand me?” I asked. Her eyes flickered and she grasped the chain. “I can see you, for the moment. Can you hear me?” After several long seconds, she actually nodded. “Can you speak to me?”

She tried pulling on the chain again before seemingly giving up on it. “Why am I attached to such a blasphemous fallen angel?” she asked with a Russian accent so thick I could barely understand it.

“The same reason I’m attached to a Russian ghost: You did something and now we’re stuck like this. Also, I’m not an angel.”

“You were not… sent by God to save me? And the others in the bunker?”

“No. I was there because of a coincidence.”

“There is no such thing as coincidences, only God’s handiwork.”

Yeah, okay buddy. “Whatever you want to call it, the result is the same: We’re stuck. Those shamanic ghosts think that can be fixed, but it sounded like they wanted us to become one.”

“More blasphemy spouted by the great enemy. Don’t let yourself be seduced by them.”

Her English is surprisingly good for that bad of an accent. “Uh huh. And what do you have to say about talking purple unicorns that can do magic? Or talking blue pegasi that can fly? Or giant talking spiders?”

“...The lord works in mysterious ways.”

“By that logic, he can work through the great enemy, too. What makes you think this isn’t his way of freeing you from your prison? Because tugging at that chain hasn’t done either of us any good. Me, I’d prefer not being attacked by ghosts all the time. And I figure you’d prefer a second chance at an actual afterlife instead of being stuck in this hell.”

“I would certainly expect the jailor to be reluctant to lose her prisoner.”

“I want you gone. Preferably completely gone, but if there are actual advantages to having a soul, I might be willing to consider somehow melding us. That would likely be better for you, since it might let you get to some kind of pleasant afterlife.”

“I am destined to be in Heaven with Artyom no matter what I choose.”

“Yeah, how’s that whole being dead thing working out for you so far? Or is your so-called heaven not all it’s cracked up to be?” She didn’t respond. “You were trapped in that bunker for a very long time. If you get cut off from me, what makes you think you won’t be trapped somewhere just as unpleasant for even longer, until you get another lucky break?”

“And why would becoming one with you have any different outcome?”

“Because freaky ghosts wouldn’t be actively hunting either of us. If I die of natural causes, you’d probably be free to go to an afterlife. That seems better than definitely being stuck here forever.”

“...You are extremely sinful. I might be tainted by association.”

“God’s pretty big on the whole forgiving thing.” When he’s not murdering the shit out of you for wearing mixed fabric or making girls that get raped marry their rapists. “And you’re already associated with me by even being attached. I don’t know how this would be worse. Besides, the goal of Christianity is to spread.” Like a disease. “Shouldn’t you be leaping at the chance to try to convert me or the ponies?”

“...I will think.”

“Take your time. I figure we probably got plenty before it’ll matter.” And if I can find her in the dream realm, then I can keep trying to convince her.

My main concern about possibly taking her soul is how much it would change me. Just having her attached gave me several new mannerisms and abilities. She obviously had all her mental faculties, so there’s a chance she would just jump into my body and take over entirely, essentially killing me.

But that would have to be a concern for another day. Possibly something Twilight, Zecora, or Athena could help me figure out. Even if I did know, stressing about it while I was still tripping seemed like a bad idea.

While I was talking to Ava, one of the water elementals apparently snuck up on me. After a few seconds of nothing more being said, Ice asked, “What language was that?”

“English. How’s Flo? And River?”

“English… I will have to learn it from you later. Flo and River are both slowly regaining their color. We believe they’ll be fine in a few hours. Who were you talking to?”

“Ava. The ghost that attached herself to me in the bunker. This drug lets me see her.”

“Interesting. Could I see her through your eyes?”

“Perhaps. But Flo and River both tried getting into me and you saw how that turned out for them. I’d advise staying away from me. In fact, I’d ask that you leave anyway. Your constant movement is not helping keep my mind at ease.”

“Ah. My apologies. Should you require anything from us, Aqua has made herself at home in Twilight’s room tonight and I will be staying with my host. I believe Cascade is still with Zecora at the moment, as well.”

“Brook will be needed soon, but she will know when and will join me on her own accord.”

“Oh. Is something going to happen?”

“Yes, but your presence is not fated. Rest well and easy, Ice.”

“Huh. Well, farewell for now, Nav. I would hug you, but… Well, you know.” I turned back to face the wastes and he left after a few moments of staring.

About fifteen or so minutes after Ice left me, we started approaching a large copse of trees. My currently enhanced eyes picked up a few things the ponies couldn’t see. I took a very deep breath and I felt the drug kick in even harder. I had a small inkling of what was about to happen, but I wasn’t entirely positive. So I let the drug take over.

I smiled and softly said, “Deep Fog, load incendiary on your ballista.”

“Um. I’m going to have to ask you why, sir.”

“I’m not quite sure yet.” That wasn’t entirely true. I could see the ambush coming quite well, but I didn’t know what exactly would be attacking us yet. “But that’s an order, I’m afraid. Do it and be prepared to fire very low.”

“...Yes sir.” Since Sentinel didn’t contradict me, he started loading the heavy incendiary round that would destroy the shit out of some trees, if fired at their base. When it was loaded, he started turning the elevation crank so it could fire fairly close to straight down.

By the time he was finished, we were very close to the trees. I casually walked over to stand next to Sentinel, who barely spared me a glance. “Do you have any pointless orders for me too, sir?” she asked.

“I have one that isn’t so pointless.”

“And what is that?” she sighed.

“Take two steps away from me.” She rolled her eyes and did so.

As soon as she moved, I jerked my hand in front of where she had been standing and grabbed the intruder by the throat. It squawked in surprise as I lifted it up and slammed it onto the deck, making the spirit visible. All the ponies on deck jumped in shock as the dwarf-like thing was revealed.

It had the general body shape of a monkey, minus any tail. It was covered in fur and its face was much more elongated, with large fangs jutting out. As soon as I slammed it on the deck, its claws started reaching for my arms to scratch me, but I positioned myself above it and met its pearly white eyes with my black ones, making it freeze.

After several long seconds of a staring contest, I calmly said, “Prepare to repel boarders.”

“Against invisible opponents?” Sentinel asked.

“No. Would you kindly stomp on this thing for me?” She immediately crushed its head with one of her shoe-clad feet, splattering my face with its blood and chunks of bone and brain. I tossed its body off the deck and stood back up. “Would you care to give the order?”

“Prepare to repel boarders!” Sentinel shouted. “Squad four, protect the helmspony! Squad five, the door!”

Before squad five could move, I pointed at Deep Fog. “Stay right where you are.” Sentinel huffed, but nodded at the guy before running to the door leading down. I sidestepped to the closest ballista to me, one that happened to be loaded with a boarding round, so the bolt had a metal hoop at the end where a rope could be tied.

The ponies got in position just in time. Some kind of strange imps jumped out of the trees and landed on our deck. Each one had teeth and fangs that shined like iron and feet that were just hooks of bone. Their bodies were covered in patchy fur and their arms ended in horrific claws that seemed to twitch toward living things. Their blood-red eyes locked on every target they could before advancing on all the living things on deck. After a quick headcount, I realized there was one for every one of us.

The one attacking me was probably the largest one there. He squared up to me and would have almost been able to look me in the eyes if he wasn’t too busy trying to slice my face open with his claws. I leaned away from the blow like I was barely paying attention, then ducked under the next one from his other hand. He tried a kick next and I grabbed the hooked foot, then slammed the end of his hook right into the ballista bolt’s hoop.

The monster had time to give me a very confused look before I pulled the lever on the ballista, shattering his pelvis and sending him flying away with the bolt.

My side was having very mixed results in the fight. The three ponies guarding the helmsman had two of their attackers down and were about to start pummeling the third. The two guarding the door were holding theirs back. Poor Fog, though, was having a very difficult time of things. His opponent had him on the ground and was starting to lean toward Fog’s neck with his fangs.

I grabbed one of the regular bolts and walked over to them. Right before the vampire could get a taste, I slammed the rod through his chest, piercing his heart. From the looks of things, that wasn’t necessary to kill this certain type of vampire, but I figured it wasn’t a bad idea anyway. Since he was dead, I made sure to push the body away from my pegasus and said, “Now would be a good time to fire that incendiary round, soldier.”

Deep Fog stared at me like I was fucking nuts, which seemed fair to me. After all, I was doing stuff that to them probably seemed fucking nuts. He sighed, shook his head, and said, “Yes sir.” I started walking toward Sentinel’s squad while he did that. The explosion from the bolt started knocking down the trees around us, one of which contained the nest of these things.

As a unicorn, Sentinel has much less experience in hoof-to-claw combat, so she wasn’t faring too well. Her earth pony partner was handling himself much better, but he couldn’t really disengage or beat his opponent to help her out, so she was pressed up against the door and struggling to stay alive.

Well, right up until I knelt down and pulled the vampire’s feet out from under him. Seriously, I have no idea what evolution was thinking with these guys. Giving them feet with absolutely no traction seemed like a terrible idea to me. But it worked out well for Sentinel, because it let her deck-stomp that motherfucker.

Once her opponent was dead, she helped her last squadmate beat the shit out of his, then ordered him to make sure the rest of the ship was secured. When he saluted and started helping the others throw bodies off the side, Sentinel started staring at me.

“You knew that was coming,” she said.

“This drug is… showing me things,” I said. “Flashes of events. Hints of knowledge. I knew something was coming, but I wasn’t sure what. It’s not really letting me say too much, either. Whenever I try to predict something, it comes out in a riddle. I’ve never seen or heard of either of those monsters before, but I know one was a tikoloshe and the others were asanbosams. One’s a water spirit and the others are a kind of vampire.”

“And the incendiary round?”

“Burned out their nest.” One of the elementals rushed over the side of the ship and went straight to one of the few injured ponies to heal him. We ignored her as she worked.

“You should have told me,” Sentinel said. She sounded a little upset.

“You wouldn’t have listened. You would have forced me to go below.”

“...Your assistance was welcome.” She looked away for a moment before looking back. “And for the record, I never doubted your combat ability. Or your combat leadership skills. I doubt your ability to lead a proper military expedition.” I stared at her. After a few seconds, she shifted slightly. “And you are correct. I don’t like you.” My gaze beat down on her, making her eyes dart away for a moment. “And I do… admire my commander. We all do.” Another several seconds of silence went by. “But I might admire him… a bit more than is proper. And I probably shouldn’t have said that.” Fifteen more seconds passed us by. “Why are you staring at me?!”

I blinked. “Sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?”

She jerked back a little. “Tch. I’m going back on watch.”

As tempting as it was to watch her cute butt stalk away, Brook stopped in front of me and I had to pay attention to her instead. “You should be resting,” she said.

“With many rulers, it is a gradual thing,” I said. “For you, it was not. It was a conscious choice. I can see her soul still attached to you.”

“The cryptic nonsense the drug is trying to spout is unnecessary. Return to your bed.”

“Felicia the Hallowed.” Her entire body instantly turned white and her face disappeared. “The living are an enigma, Brook. We truly are. But making yourself empty and callous to stop yourself from feeling pain at their passing is unwise. To some of us, self-sacrifice is important. It isn’t emotional, it isn’t something we think about. It’s just an unconscious decision that we are going to save someone no matter what. Mourn their passing and revel in their memory. Do not kill your emotions to hide your pain. Do not refuse to live out of fear of living.”

Truth be told, I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. The drugs had taken over shortly after I got on deck and for the most part, I was just along for the ride. Whatever I was talking about was definitely having an effect on Brook, though.

“Your words are empty,” she finally hissed, though we both knew that was a lie. “Fight this magic, Navarone. Anonymous. Remove its roots on your mind!”

“It will wear off soon, water of life.” She flinched back yet again. “To one that is ageless, such a time scale seems barely worth noticing. Do not fear the truth, for it will set you free from a prison in which you long since forgot you resided. You are your own warden, and only you may unlock your cell.”

“Listen to yourself, Anonymous. You’re speaking nonsense.”

My hands reached out and attached themselves to where her face should be. “Gaze into my eyes, Brook! Know my words for the truth they are! Hide not from your past, hide not from your loss! You are the last water precursor left. You are the progenitor of your family. You are the oldest among sisters, the last of the greats, the wettest of the wet. In this time of much turmoil, they need your guidance, not your coldness. They need your love, not your emptiness. They need Brook, water of life, goddess of motherly love, sister of patience. They do not need Brook the analytic.”

She pulled away from my hands and slapped me across the face.

I ignored it. “Despite what you believe, you can feel love for your subjects and still lead them. You can order them to sacrifice themselves and still mourn their loss. There is much, much more to being a good leader than giving the right orders. But you already know that. You tried to forget it. You refused to meet Celestia because of it. Chrysalis shocked you because of it. It will never be too late for you.”

She turned blood red and coldly said, “It was too late the instant she gave her life for me.”

The world suddenly seemed to whirl around me and I felt myself falling. A tendril of water caught me right as my hands slammed onto the deck to keep me up. Before she could pull me to my feet, I threw up. I thought it would be normal bile, but this stuff immediately started smoking and then it burned a hole through the deck. As soon as she saw that, she yanked me away and brought more water to my mouth to rinse away any possible leftover acid.

When that was done, she gently set me on the ground and then lowered herself through the hole the acid made. Given the lack of screaming, I figured there probably wasn’t a bed directly under me, so it wasn’t really something I needed to worry about at the moment.

The drug finally released me, so I figured my work up there was done. Judging from the sliver of light I could barely see on the horizon, the sun was going to rise soon. I had a feeling I would be in no real shape to actually fight or stand guard while under the influence of that shit, but I really didn’t feel any need to head below just yet. Taya wouldn’t be awake, messing around with the laptop would wake Spike up, schlicking would probably wake Spike up, and there really wasn’t all that much else I could do.

A few minutes after Brook vanished, one of the crew members slid up next to me. “I heard you were giving fortunes yesterday, sir,” he said.

“I was. Most were apparently unpleasant.”

“Are you… still doing that today?”

“No. That phase seems to be over. But I’m still noticing things. I’m still able to see through time. I just don’t understand much of what I do see.”

“...Oh. Can you tell me anything?”

I looked over his shoulder at the variety of ghosts holding onto his tail. I stared at the female spirit clinging to his neck, crying ectoplasmic tears. I watched his eventual death of old age. I saw scars appear and disappear. I could feel life return to his eyes and then slowly fade with time.

“The ones you killed haunt you still, waiting for some form of absolution. The one you held dear clings to you, crying. You’ll die of old age, but it’ll come after a life of much pain. You will find love again, but you’ll lose her in time.”

“Huh. And all that’s guaranteed?”

“I don’t know. I can just tell you what I see. Zecora might still be pretty deep in the throes of this shit. Ask her. But know that telling actual fortunes has a very steep physical price on us. My last one made my eyes start bleeding.”

“Oh! I didn’t know. Sorry for trying to make you do that, Nav.”

“Chillax, bro. Ain’t no thing but a g-string.”

“...I don’t know what that means.”

“It means don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t be out here if I thought this shit was going to hurt me more. Now, you should go talk to Sentinel.”

“Why? Is she the one?”

“Psh, no. But she’s in a bad mood and might be down for an angry roll in the hay. Or maybe not.” I shrugged. “Whatever.” We were right next to one of the masts, so I jumped onto the rigging before he could reply and started climbing up. He probably wanted to stop me, but I wouldn’t have listened and he sure as shit wasn’t going to go up there to pull me out. I climbed the net all the way to the crow’s nest.

Truth be told, the view from there wasn’t much better than the view from below. A few extra meters only really adds so much when you’re already so far above land, after all. But the isolation made the trip more than worth it.

Fucking mini-horses, always up in my shit… Since they didn’t have fingers or magic, they couldn’t easily get to me up there. They could yell at me all they wanted, but I sure as shit didn’t have to listen.

Though after vomiting acid, coughing up poisonous smoke, and bleeding from my eyes, it might not be bad to have someone around.

But that could wait until an hour or so after sunrise. As it was, I watched the landscape before me dance around, then watched time glitch several times, letting me see battles taking place on the plains. Watching tons of different races vie for land and resources was surprisingly interesting. Right as I was thinking about going down, I saw a small skirmish between three human tribes.

That one wasn’t expected. I couldn’t stop myself from watching until the end of that fight, where a single survivor was all that remained. He reached down to pick up a weapon from one of his friends, then slowly turned to look at the river. After a few seconds, he looked up and met my eyes. They stayed locked on mine until he faded from view.

“Spooky,” I muttered to myself, shivering slightly.

“What was?” Gilda asked, making me jump.

“When did you…”

“Like, half an hour ago,” she said with a shrug. “I’m on watch.”

“And you didn’t… I don’t know, think to say hi?” She shrugged again. “Do you mind if I pet you?”

“Do you mind if I claw you?”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

“Then yeah, go ahead and pet me.”

I spent the next several minutes making Gilda purr. It was adorable. But I didn’t tell her that, because I had a feeling she would have molested me and I didn’t really want to have to take another shower.

When I was finished with her cute little belly, I started climbing down. Before I could get a meter away, her head popped over the side. “So what was spooky?” she asked.

“I saw a group of humans killing each other and the last survivor stared at me until he disappeared.”

“Oh. Spooky.”

“I know, right?” She pulled her head back and I continued climbing down.

When I got down, everyone in the day group was in their proper positions, minus me and Spike. I was completely unfit for service at the moment, so they could fuck right off with trying to make me do anything. There was no telling what Spike was doing, but I resolved to find out.

Well, right after I got done dealing with Ames, who decided to waylay me before I could get below. “Are you feeling better, sister?” he asked.

“Somewhat. Not better enough to hold a sword or fire a gun. I’m heading back below so I don’t get in the way up here.”

He nodded. “Then rest well and easy. Battling on while unwell is a guaranteed way to ensure you stay unwell.”

“I certainly plan on it.” He turned and went back to his position, so I continued below unabated. When I slipped into my room, Spike was still asleep on the floor. After a short mental debate, I decided to leave him there. But just to fuck with him, I carefully draped a pair of panties over one of his ear spines.

That done, I sidled out and quietly closed the door, then walked to Taya’s room. Surprisingly, it was cracked open. I knocked, which pushed it open the rest of the way. She was sitting on the bed reading a book, and smiled when she saw me.

That smile disappeared when she saw my eyes and she gasped. “What happened?!” she demanded, jumping across the room to get a better look at me.

“Long story,” I said. She jumped up and put her front legs on my chest to prop herself up. I guess she was trying to get a better look at my eyes or something. “Zecora, Flo, and I got summoned to talk to some locals yesterday. We got drugged and shit got pretty weird. I was seeing into the future yesterday. I’m still seeing weird stuff now, it’s just not as clear.”

“Like… what?”

I slowly looked her over to take everything in. When I did, I sighed and leaned down to hug her, then I lifted her up and carried her to the bed. I laid down and continued hugging her until she shifted awkwardly.

“I see that you feel detached,” I said. “Not a part of the ship. Not a part of the crew. Not a part of… my life. I see that you think I don’t love you. I see that you think I don’t like spending time with you. I know that you feel guilt for killing, despite what you told me. I know you feel haunted by the ones you killed. I can feel that you’re scared of your own power, while still thrilled at how strong you are. I can see when you were born and when you’ll die. I can see your sorrow at the death of your parents. I can see oh so much, Taya. But all I need to see is you. I came here to see you. I’m feeling very lost right now, Taya. Very lost and very alone. I love you, and right now I need to be with you.”

After several long seconds of silence, my daughter hugged me back. “I love you too, daddy…”

And I knew that it was true.

Strangely enough, spending several hours with her was extremely centering and helped calm me down while the drugs worked their way out of my system. I still saw a lot, but being around someone I trusted and loved was enough to make me feel safe, no matter what or who the visions were showing me. And of course, Taya enjoyed having her belly rubbed for nearly an hour while I just stared at the ceiling, not even realizing what I was doing.

About two hours after I joined her, Twilight slowly pushed the door open and stepped in. “I was wondering where you went,” she said. “I found Spike in your room, somewhat… indecently attired. I very much hope that was coincidence and not a sign of something inappropriate.”

“Well, you found me,” I said, my hand leaving Taya’s stomach. “I’m still drugged up, but it’s much weaker now.”

“That’s excellent news! Do you still feel impaired, or are you just seeing distortions?”

“Both. My body feels heavy and you look very slanted. But I can’t see Ava anymore and the only symbol I can see on you now is the crown.”

“Well, at least it seems to be wearing off. Can you hear Flo yet, or is she still indisposed?”

“As far as I know, she’s still out of it. I haven’t heard anything from Zecora, though.”

“Zecora’s a few hours behind you, it seems. I checked on her when I couldn’t find you. I assume from your change of clothes that you showered. Did you run into anyone else that gave you more prophecies?”

“Not… quite.” Her head tilted slightly. “I went out on deck after I woke up and saw some stuff about Sentinel, and told her that her firstborn would be a filly. I also predicted an attack on the ship and helped fight it off. I told a crewman that he would remarry and then die of old age. And I told Brook some stuff about her past that I had no way of knowing.”

She blinked, then looked pensive. “Aqua was wondering why she was upset. What did you tell her?”

“That Felicia the Hallowed sacrificed herself of her own free will and that Brook had no reason to try to kill off her own feelings. Her sisters need the loving water precursor, not the analytic machine. I have no idea who that is or what it meant, though. She definitely got upset and ran as soon as she could justify it.”

Twilight’s eyes turned blue and she slowly face-hoofed. I guess Aqua just wanted to express her displeasure, because I’m pretty sure that was something she could have done internally. “And why did you do this?” she asked around Twilight’s hoof.

“I dunno. Blame the drugs.”

She lowered the hoof and looked back up at me. “Do you remember anything about this Felicia person?”

“Nope. Do you?”

She shook her head. “I do not. I imagine Brook would be the only one of us who would. Mist and I are the second and third oldest, so we shall speak to her. Expect whatever you did to have consequences.”

“She’s not gonna… hurt me, is she?” I slowly asked.

“No. Good consequences or bad, she will not harm you.” Her eyes flicked to Taya for a short moment, who was presumably glaring at her. “I imagine such an attempt would end poorly for all involved.” She sighed and sagged a little. “Truth be told, I imagine it might well have been for the best. I’ve had a sister discreetly watching Rarity since your words to her yesterday. She already spoke to Spike and seems to be much happier. It seems the drug likely intends positive effects, not negative ones.”

Twilight shivered and took back over, then said, “Tell that to Spike.” Aqua didn’t reply, or at least not to us. “They’ll handle Brook. I think you did the right thing, either way. Now, do you feel comfortable in here, or do you want me to help you move somewhere else?”

“I’m fine right where I am,” I said, putting a hand on Taya’s chest. “If no one’s replaced the medic watching Zecora, find Doppel and tell her to watch out for Zecora. That way, it won’t have to be a soldier that should be on watch or sleeping.”

“Rarity, Fluttershy, and I think Cascade are with her at the moment. They don’t have much else to do at the moment, so they’re happy to help. Applejack and Rainbow Dash are taking your place on the deck. Pinkie’s doing her thing somewhere.”

“At least they’re finding something to do,” I sighed, leaning back. “This really is no place for them, for several reasons. You know that, right?”

She also sighed and looked away. “It feels… wrong,” she said after a few seconds. “It feels like we should still be in Ponyville. I do think we’re growing as ponies here, but I feel like our place isn’t with you. But then, I’ve felt very disconnected from things for a while.” She looked back at me. “Where we’re supposed to be is exactly where we end up, I suppose. Fate’s funny like that.”

“I like to say I don’t believe in fate, but it seems disingenuous to say that after spouting tons of prophecies. And with your ass tattoos, I guess fate is kinda proven in a way. For you guys, at least. I guess that’s why ponies are so closely aligned with order.”

She grinned. “Good to know you’re keeping up with your philosophy. Ponies are born with skills that they grow into. It just takes time. Pluto and Day Carts both agree on that.”

“Humans are not,” I said. “And I wouldn’t go so far as to say ponies are either, but then, I’m not one. I’m definitely not arguing tabula rasa versus innatism while I’m tripping balls, though.”

She flinched when I called her an innatist. “I don’t believe in that innatist drivel! I’m a nativist, Nav.”

“Whatevs. Point remains, humans are neither. We’re genetically disposed toward certain behaviors, but most of what we learn and how we act is gained when we’re a kid. You can get around bad genetics with good training and you can get around good genetics with shitty parenting. Anyway.” I scooted over on the small bed, creating space for the purple horse. “Get up here so I can rub your belly too.”

“...Some debates aren’t worth having,” she muttered as she jumped up and settled in.

Taya probably didn’t enjoy sharing my belly rubs, but I had two hands anyway, so she could suck it. Making two ponies sigh in delight is more adorable than one, and adorableness is good when you’re trying not to freak out. And easing back to sleep with two safe, warm mares next to me was nice.

What was not nice was being woken up by a massive splash of water that made all three of us cry out. It turned out to be a newly reanimated Flo, but I think a more gentle approach would have been preferable.

She immediately engulfed us, though I like to think I got the most attention. She just told me that pride comes before the fall. I told her that it’s called summer these days and then she hit me.

Anyway, after two of us got done trying and failing to flail around, we sat in a warm, only slightly uncomfortable silence. Shortly after that silence started, I realized that nothing was shifting randomly anymore and all the symbols were gone. The heaviness was still there, but I think that’s just because I was covered in a big fat water elemental.

I want it known that she also hit me for that.

“Looks like I’m free,” I said, prompting a small squeeze from my stalwart watery companion. “I wonder… were you drugged, or were you just reacting to what was happening in my mind?”

“That’s a good question,” Flo said. “One to which I’m afraid I don’t have an answer. I remember nothing from it. But now that I’m back with you, I can see everything you saw while you were under its influence. I must say, it has quite an interesting take on things.”

“You say that like it’s alive,” Twilight said, shifting slightly in Flo’s grasp.

“Isn’t it?” she asked. “I believe the first drug Navarone was given gave him true sight. It was some form of plant, and I don’t consider it sapient. But the second drug was some kind of fungus, and we already know what those are capable of. I believe this one jacked Nav and Zecora into some kind of global consciousness that’s completely alien, something animal minds weren’t made to comprehend. I know from experience that some fungus lifeforms nearly span full continents, and that was back when I was active in the world. It seems possible and in some ways probable that such a thing could exist, especially if it’s allied with the spirit of death.”

“That’s a very… unique take on things,” Twilight slowly replied. “But could a mushroom truly be capable of rational thought?”

I fielded that one. “Absolutely. I met an actual mushroom lady recently. Spoke to me and everything.”

“Oh, right, the madremonte. Well, it’s an interesting theory. I’ll have to talk to Zecora about it.” She rolled off the bed and out of Flo, then walked up to the door. “I’m going to go check on her right now, since you’re fine. If you start feeling any aftereffects and need any help, please let me know.”

“‘Kay. Have fun.” She waltzed on out, leaving me and Taya covered in Flo. “So can you get off me now?” Flo oozed off me, but stayed on Taya. “Did you pass the deck on your way down?”

“I did. They seem to be handling themselves well, and it’s nearing night now. You might as well stay below. And I somehow doubt Sentinel would appreciate a guest appearance tonight.”

“She can fucking cry about it. I run this ship, not her, and I haven’t swung my sword at someone in too long.”

“...You killed something last night.”

“No, the drugs killed something last night. I was just along for the ride. And I didn’t kill it with my sword, either. It’s weird, but I feel like I’ve been idle for too long. When’s the last time I actually got to kill something?”

“South America,” Flo quietly answered, cuddling Taya tighter. “Unless you count your time in the changeling army.”

“That wasn’t me either,” I said, slowly meandering to the door. “I feel like I haven’t swung a blade in too long, even in practice. Or pulled a trigger in anger.” I looked back to Flo and my daughter. “Is it bad that I feel that way?”

Taya immediately nodded. “Yes.”

“But not too unusual,” Flo said. “This isn’t an effect of the drugs, if that’s what you’re asking.”

She knew that wasn’t what I was asking. “We’re north of the equator, right?”

“...We are,” Flo said. “And you might be needed on deck. You were last night, even if Sentinel wouldn’t admit it. I will join you, once you have readied yourself.”

“Then I’ll go get ready.” As soon as I let myself out, Taya jumped out of Flo and quickly joined me as I went into my room. Spike was gone, as was the little nest he made on the floor. He left the panties on the pillow.

My daughter didn’t say a word until I was fully geared up. Once I was, she stood in front of me and just stared for several long seconds. I’m also fully capable of being weird and creepy, so I stared back.

Finally, she asked, “How much of that was true? What you said when you were drugged.”

At the moment, I didn’t remember any of the actual prophecies I had told. I honestly didn’t remember much of anything until after I woke up on my bed with Spike on the floor, honestly. But I knew exactly what she was talking about.

I knelt down and put my hands on her shoulders. “Taya, you are my daughter. You are my daughter. I love you. I’m not… I know I’m not the best at showing it. In fact, I’m probably pretty close to the worst. But it’s true.” One hand brushed some of her hair aside, then cupped her cheek. “I love you, Taya. And I will, no matter what. I will always protect you, I will always trust you, I will always put my hope in you, and that love will always persevere.”

She pulled away from my hands and slowly panned her head around the room, either unable to meet my gaze or trying to find something to say.

I didn’t give her time to think. “Those drugs showed me something, Taya. I don’t remember exactly what, but I remember the gist. I’m tired of this.” Her head jerked back to me, only to see my hands encompassing the room. “This emptiness. This loneliness. I’m tired of this darkness seething inside of me and eating at me. When we get out of Africa, when you have magic again and we aren’t always on guard, I want to have some long conversations with you and some of my friends.” Probably separately. “Nothing changes until we change it. I’ve said this before and I think it failed. Help me change, Taya. Help me love you better.”

Her eyes seemed to tremble for a few seconds before she looked away. That aside glance didn’t last long and she was soon staring back into my eyes. “Okay.”

I waited for more and got nothing. After about half a minute, I shrugged and said, “Alright then, cool. I’m going to the deck.” She said nothing as I walked out. Flo joined me at the stairs up and we carried on to the crunchy outer layer of the ship. “So that went well,” I said right before we walked out.

Flo did not reply.

Up on the deck, all seemed to be going fairly well. Kat was standing with her squad, idly looking over the crossbow in between watching over the side for any possible problems, not that we were really expecting any. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were sitting next to each other near the broken railing, talking about something or another. Their squad was rolling some kind of dice on the deck, occasionally looking around to make sure nothing was happening. Ames was practicing sword forms with Spike, since there wasn’t really much of a chance of any kind of surprise attack with no trees anywhere in sight.

None of them noticed me and my presence didn’t seem that urgently needed, so I walked up the side stairs to talk to the helmsman, who happened to be the mare I accidentally put in a magical coma. “Good to see you awake,” I quietly said, walking closer to her.

She smiled and leaned on the wheel slightly. “And it’s good to see that you’re feeling better. I heard something strange happened.”

“That’s a word for it. We flying fine?”

“As far as I know,” she replied with a shrug. “Honestly, most of us expected to have fallen into the river by now.”

“I figured a unicorn would have a little more faith in magic,” I said, putting a hand on a stretch of railing.

She poked at her horn with one of her hooves. “It’s hard to have faith when our magic doesn’t work. Or at least, doesn’t work properly. Didn’t you try flying earlier?”

“Yeah. It didn’t work very well. But that’s expected, for me. These wings are very much unnatural. I’m still not entirely used to them. Besides, I’m not allowed to have nice things.” She looked away and muttered something. “What was that?”

She looked back and smiled all nice and big. “Nothing!”

Flo sighed and said something in my head. “She said that you could have her, if you wanted.”

Of course she did. “Anyway, I’m here to join the watch for a while. If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be up here.”

“Alrighty! I know I’ll feel safer with you watching over me…”

“Good to know at least a few people here appreciate security,” I quietly said, unholstering my rifle. I absentmindedly stroked her back as I walked past, making her quietly squee. Flo chose not to comment on that.

The guard squad that was positioned up top idly watched me as I slowly walked around, looking for things to shoot. None of them said anything, even though Flo told me I gave one of them a horrible prophecy the day before.

For better or worse, night fell without me firing a shot, as I kinda expected it to. The guards changed quickly, without Spike or Ames even realizing I was on deck. Or if they did realize it, they didn’t say anything to me. With the new guards came a zebra that looked positively exhausted.

Zecora went straight to me, so I assume someone told her I was planning on being on the deck for a while. Her eyes were no longer pitch black. Instead, they were slightly bloodshot. “How you feeling?” I asked.

“Tired. But… better.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. Did you manage to get any sleep at all?”

“I don’t… I don’t think so. I can’t imagine sleeping would even be possible while in that state!”

“It was. Well, I passed out the first time, but the second time was when I was coming down and covered in mares. You think they’d sell us some of those plants if we asked? I’d love to sneak that shit into Celestia’s breakfast.”

Her look of exhaustion turned into one of horror. “There would be no survivors.”

“Nah. I’d tickle her under the chin and then play with her horse pussy. We’d be fine, though we might drown in mare cum.”

That look of horror disappeared and she shook her head. “No. And that’s disgusting. Now, did you see anything important?”

“I dunno,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t remember jack fucking shit about what I saw.”

“He did,” Flo replied. “I remember it all. He spoke to Ava, discovered Twilight will be a princess, managed to stop an attack on the ship, revealed some of Brook’s past, and told several prophecies. It was quite an interesting experience.”

Zecora looked over at her. “And is that all you remember, elemental? Did you have no visions of your own?”

“Now that… I do not know. I know that Nav doesn’t remember any of his. It seems safe to say that if I did have any, I likely wouldn’t remember them.”

“Hm. I remember mine perfectly, but such a thing takes a special kind of mental training. Despite not having actual experience with the drugs, I was trained on how to interpret their visions. I suppose that helps me remember what I saw and attach meaning to it.”

“Twilight wrote down all of Nav’s,” Flo said, laying a watery appendage on my shoulder. “I believe she’s planning on sending copies of everything he said to Celestia and the mage tower at Canterlot. I’m sure she would be happy to share them with you, if you ask.”

“I will do that, after I get some rest. I cannot remember what I said word for word, but it might be wise to add the gist of my prophecies to her list of what you said. At the very least, it will be interesting to compare similarities.”

“If you find anything important, let me know,” I said.

“I will.” She looked away, at the land around us. “I believe we are two or three days away from my old home, now. I see landmarks that I recognize.”

“Then get plenty of rest,” I said. “I ain’t going down there without you, not without a good reason.”

“Then I shall head to bed. I believe running into trouble at this juncture is unlikely, but keeping an eye out would be wise anyway.”

“And at this rate, I might be interested in making my own trouble,” I said. “I wouldn’t mind some fresh meat.”

She wanly smiled. “Unwary hunters in Africa often find themselves the prey. I will see you come the morrow.” She finally left, slowly stalking down the stairs.

That just left me, Flo, and the creepy mare up top. The two guard squads were down in the lower portion of the ship. Sentinel probably heard me talking, but she didn’t think I was worth bothering with.

“So when’s your relief?” I asked Amber, the chick at the helm.

“Oh, some time in the morning,” she said with a shrug. “I woke up just before you came out, so they said I could stay up here for a while. It’s been a while since I was able to do my part, so I don’t mind.”

I’m sure that’s the only reason. “Then I suppose I’ll be keeping you company for the night. I like holding the line.” At least, it’s certainly better than going on the attack.

“I’m happy for the company,” she said, her tail shaking slightly.

...At least you’re here to make sure she doesn’t do anything lewd. Flo did not reply. But she also didn’t have much time to, because another elemental oozed over the side of the ship next to us.

“I would like to have a discussion with you,” Brook said, placing a hand on my shoulder. Before I could politely decline, she started dragging me across the deck, to the back of the ship. Flo wordlessly followed, which was my sign that I probably wasn’t going to get out of it.

When we were away from the mare, Brook set me down next to the railing and stood in front of me, so I had basically no way to escape that didn’t involve falling into a river at what would probably be a deadly height. “So I take it you don’t want to discuss the weather,” I said in a voice I hoped was calmer than how I felt.

“It’s a lovely day,” she replied. “Discussion over.” I immediately tried sidling away, but she pushed a hand onto the railing on both sides of me, cutting off my escape. “I made an error in judgment, Anonymous. That isn’t, perhaps, a completely accurate statement. I made one error in judgment long ago that resulted in many errors in judgment. I am not angry because these errors were pointed out. Nor am I angry at you for facilitating the drug that did it. This is not a discussion of blame, nor is it a discussion that should cause you distress.”

“...Is it one we couldn’t have?” I asked. Flo slapped me on the back of the head. “Just asking, geez.”

“I should not have hurt Spike,” Brook said, turning a much darker shade of blue. “I should not have threatened him. And I would have carried that threat through. I should not have used my power over him against you. I should not have tried to force you into something you did not want. And I should not have been supremely unpleasant to deal with.” Her color returned to a much more natural shade of blue. “For all of these, you have my apologies.”

I stayed silent for a few long seconds. Not because I was speechless, but because I wanted to let her stew. When she finally shifted down a few shades of blue, I said, “I don’t think I’m the person you should be apologizing to.”

“You are one of them. I wronged you. And I want to know that the words you spoke to me under the influence of that drug made me think. They made me… remember. You created me to love, Anonymous. I was one of the originals. I forgot myself and my place in the world. I long ago forgot what it meant to truly care about someone and not just care about keeping the living alive.”

“And uh… you’ve remembered that now?” I hesitantly asked.

She turned a light shade of pink and hugged me. “I have, Anon. I haven’t been pink in so, so long…”

“It suits you,” I quietly replied, hugging her back.

Before that day, I didn’t even know water elementals could cry.

Several hours into the night shift, two more waters approached me and Flo. “We’ll be leaving the ship soon,” Aqua said. “Our last sister is getting very close.”

“We’ll damn sure miss you,” I said. “Any thoughts about how long it might take you to get to her?”

“If all goes well, less than a day,” the other one said. I think it was Cascade. “But if conditions are not ideal, it could take longer.”

“It’ll take us probably another day or so to get to Zecora’s village anyway,” I said with a shrug. “So we can probably meet you back wherever we drop you with no problems. Or if you get done soon enough, you could probably join us in case we need backup.”

“We will come at your call,” Flo said, gently stroking one of my wings. “We can travel down the river faster than your ship can fly it. Should you require aid, we will help.”

“Good to know. When are you guys leaving, exactly?”

“An hour,” Aqua replied. “We will tell Sentinel as well, to warn her that she will lose our eyes. Ice will tell his host. I have already informed Twilight.”

“Totally tubular. Also, Brook spoke to me.”

“Good. I will see you when we return, Nav. Flo, be ready.”

“Of course, sister.” Cascade slid over the side and Aqua started moving to the front of the ship, where the bat horses were.

“Gonna suck to have you guys gone,” I said, turning back to face the wastes.

“And I will hate being away from you,” Flo sighed as she draped herself over me. “Especially with danger looming on the horizon. It almost feels as though some twist of fate is conspiring to keep us apart when you might need me the most.”

“Remember how I said it feels like we’re living in a cartoon or some bullshit? You being away from me means one of us is going to get in trouble and the other is going to be the big hero by showing up and saving the other at the last second.”

She giggled and started playing with my hair. “I hope I get to be the big hero. You fit the damsel in distress role so well.”

“Yeah, okay, miss ‘stuck in a rock prison for millions of years’.”

“Antarctica.” I huffed. “The monkeys.” I rolled my eyes. “The spiders, when you were the monkey queen.” I shrugged. “Trixie, the second time.” My wings twitched. “Sombra, at the end. Miguel. Blueblood. The giant spider when you found me. The gay river serpent. Chrysalis, the first time you met her. When Taya fried you. The dingonek. When you got shot. I’m sure there are others, of course.”

“...Shut up, Flo. You’re not my real mom.”

“No, but I love you more than she did.”

I sighed and leaned against the rails. “The sad part is that’s true.” She stopped playing with my hair and hugged me instead. “You’re definitely as overbearing as a proper one.”

“I know you hate it, but that’s just how I show my love for you. You’ll come to accept it some day.”

“Alternately, you could come to accept my needs and stop making me feel uncomfortable.”

She was silent for a few seconds before saying, “Nah. This is more fun.” Then she hugged me tighter, to really make me suffer. “You don’t mind if I keep cuddling you until I have to leave, right?”

“I’d prefer you didn’t, but I understand that you’re only asking rhetorically and don’t really care how I feel as long as you feel justified by pretending I’m normal and care about what normal people feel comforting.”

“Good!”

And so she cuddled against me for an hour. It was annoying.

When the elementals finally left the ship, I felt myself actually relaxing. I know Flo is supposed to be all kind and loving and shit, but having her actually near me can be draining. And I’ll have you know that she actually didn’t hit me for that. She did sigh in disappointment, though, but I’m very used to being a disappointment.

...She did hit me for that.

Anyway, that left me with just the creepy mare on the top floor of the ship. And Flo in my head, of course, but that’s a given. I looked alone, and that was enough to push Amber into some kind of action. She called me over shortly after Flo left.

“What do you need?” I asked, casually slinging my rifle. She was still facing the way the ship was pointing, but her eyes were occasionally darting to me.

“Well, I’ve been standing like this for a while. And… well, my neck kinda hurts. Do you think you could maybe… I dunno, rub it?”

In response, I slid one leg over her back, so I was basically sitting on her. She flinched in shock, then squeaked when I began slowly massaging her neck. Once she realized what was actually happening, her tail started wagging and she sighed in delight.

Now, I didn’t have anything like Spike’s skill at massaging, but my soft fingers gave me several advantages ponies didn’t have. Or at least, they gave me much finer points to tease and prod with. I quickly had the poor mare cooing in contentment as I eased the pain of a night on watch.

I stopped much too quickly for her comfort, which was around her shoulders. It was tempting to keep going further down, but I honestly didn’t want to give her too much of a wrong idea and teasing mares is funny when they can’t do anything to me.

She turned to presumably thank me or ask me to keep going, but before she could, someone on the lower deck called out, “Flyers!”

I had my rifle up before I was off her back, then stood next to her. “Keep your head down. Call if any get close.” Her head ducked almost below the wheel and she eased over to press against my side. “Hostile?” I called down.

“Unknown! They’re coming this way!” I followed that trooper’s gaze and saw them myself. Whatever they were, the three of them certainly looked evil. Each had one eye, large ears, several pointy teeth, bat-like wings, smooth skin, long arms that ended in very pointy fingers, legs that ended in sharp talons, and a large… phallus hanging limply between their legs. When they sighted our ship, they immediately made a beeline for it.

Two of them went to the lower deck and one of them decided to head up top. I was hesitant to shoot, because I wasn’t sure if they were hostile. Their looks seemed to indicate that yes, they definitely were. Splitting up also didn’t help their case. But we were getting close to Pertz and I didn’t want to risk attacking any of his people unprovoked just yet.

These guys didn’t give me a choice. The one heading toward us swung about in the air at the last second and kicked me square in the chest with his large taloned feet, denting my steel armor and throwing me back. Amber yelled in surprise and the wheel jerked, throwing the guards on the lower deck around.

The bat thing landed and grabbed the mare by her tail, then yanked her away from the wheel. She immediately started struggling to get away, but hooves aren’t very useful when you’re on your stomach and the thing above you has twice your reach and hands. He quickly pinned her as I got up and he readied his member for use before I tackled him off. I would have shot him, but I dropped the gun when he tackled me and I didn’t have time to pick it up or draw my sword.

We hit the deck with me on top. His one eye narrowed on me and he used his long arms to try swiping at me. I took the blows on my armor and punched his teeth with a gauntleted fist, cracking several of them. He snarled and grabbed my arms, then twisted us over so he was on top. When he leaned in to try to bite me, I headbutted him with my helmeted head. He roared and let go of my arms to grab at his head, leaning back as far as he could.

Amber, who had been recovering from what had almost happened, finally got a hold of herself and ran over. She spun around and kicked him right in the back, pushing him on top of me again. But he was in so much pain that I just rolled him off and jumped up. While he was moaning in pain, I put my boot against his chest and drew my sword.

“Get back on the wheel,” I told Amber. She jumped to obey, hurriedly getting us back over the river. From the silence down below, I took it things were going well. “Sentinel, status?”

“Clear, sir!” she called up. “Bodies over the side. Need help?”

“I got him pacified. You mind coming up here?” A few seconds later, she was standing next to me and looking at the fellow with me. “Thoughts?”

“Rapist monsters,” she said, shaking her head. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“...Really?”

“Well, no. I just never really expected to see one actually designed around raping.” She prodded his side, making him flinch. “I say we just put it down.”

“If it isn’t sapient, I agree,” I said. She shrugged, so I took my foot off its chest and kicked it, making it yelp. “Can you talk?”

It grunted. I lifted my sword up and started to bring it down on its neck, when it quickly shouted, “No!” My sword stopped. Despite its guttural sound, that was very much a word.

My foot went back on its chest. “So you can talk.” It stared at me. “But you’re not very talkative.” It didn’t reply. “Well, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to talk to someone that just beat the shit out of me, either. But I ain’t got no use for a silent rapist. Sentinel here probably considers you just as useless. So unless you can think of a reason for me to spare you, you’re about to come to a grisly end.”

It was silent long enough for me to lift my sword up again, making it growl one word: “Pertz.” That got my attention. The sword stopped and went back at my side. He fell silent until I started lifting the sword again. Then he finally started actually talking. “He master. I scout. I take. He like. You no kill, or he mad.”

“Uh huh.”

Sentinel and I shared a look. “He’s too stupid,” she said, shaking her head.

“Well, I happen to think it’s rude to stop by someone’s house without sending word that you’re coming,” I said.

She scoffed. “Do you really think this thing will go back to Pertz, or remember enough words to deliver a useful message?”

I looked back at the demon thing. “Does Pertz have medicine? Healers?”

He nodded. “Great shaman. Make feel good.”

“Good. I need you to remember something important for me. I’m going to let you go, but you have to go back to Pertz, okay? You have to tell him that the sun is coming to visit. Can you remember that?”

He hesitated for a while before nodding. “Sun coming. Tell Pertz.”

“And you won’t forget?” He hesitated for even longer. “That’s what I thought. Well, I think I’ll make sure you go back to Pertz.” Before he or Sentinel could react, I sliced off half of his penis. She gasped in surprise and he was silent for several long moments before screaming. “I bet he’ll go see that great shaman now, don’t you think?”

Sentinel stared at the wound for an uncomfortably long time before slowly nodding. “Yes sir, I imagine he will. Do you want me to throw him off?”

I sheathed the sword and removed my foot. “You get one arm, I’ll get the other.” The bat didn’t even try to resist as we dragged him to the side and then tossed him off. Before he hit the ground, his self-preservation kicked in and he started unsteadily flying. Sentinel turned to go, but stopped when I spoke up. “I imagine you have an opinion about what I just did.”

She didn’t turn, but said, “I am a very opinionated mare, Nav.” She hung her head for a moment before turning her head back to look at me. “And my opinion of you is rising.” With that, she turned back and walked away.

As I grabbed the dick to toss it over the side, Amber happily said, “That was a perfect punishment, Nav.”

As someone that once had a bologna pony, I wasn’t sure I agreed. I also didn’t quite agree with permanently disfiguring someone as a punishment. But I learned to silence my conscience a long time ago, so I quickly got over it, tossed the one-eyed trouser snake over the side, and went back to standing watch.

At least the ice sword minimized the blood.

Thankfully, the weird bat monsters put a damper on Amber’s horniness, or at least her desperation, so she didn’t bother me again. Honestly, I was starting to wonder how long she would let me string her along before actually expecting something, but I figured it would be in poor taste to ask.

Morning came with an adorable changeling in a somewhat ruffled maid outfit carrying breakfast up for me. “A certain pony told me you haven’t been eating,” Doppel said when she arrived. “That same certain pony authorized me to threaten you if you didn’t, and gave me permission to carry through on that threat.”

“You can tell Taya that no magic means I can tickle her all I want,” I replied as I took the tray off her back.

She blinked before shaking her head. “It was Rarity, actually. She said she’d design whatever outfit I described for her and then make sure you wore them the next time we went to Canterlot. Well, assuming you didn’t eat.” Which I was already doing, so it was a moot point.

“She likes being controlled by a strong stallion. Do with that information what you will.” I turned away from her and walked to the far end of the ship, then sat with my back against the rails. Apparently she decided to follow me, and sat next to me, then started picking idly at her skirt. “Do you need something?”

“You’re my master, master. The better question is, do you need something?”

I ate in silence for a minute or two. She continued picking at her skirt and occasionally looking up at me. When she looked up again, I met her gaze and she immediately looked away. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing.” She started to get up, but I put a hand on one of her hooves. It wasn’t enough to stop her or even impede her, but she eased back down.

She hadn’t brought much food up, so I continued eating as she sat there, staring at the deck. When I finished, she tried jumping up to grab the tray and leave, but I put my hand right back on her hoof, stopping her before she got up. “Doppel.” She slowly looked up at me. “What’s wrong?” She started to look away, but I gently cupped her cheek and made her face me. “Talk to me.”

“When… when you were… when you needed me, I wasn’t there. When you had to rely on someone… you couldn’t rely on me. I was… I…”

“You were with a stallion.” Her eyes dropped and her lower lip trembled. “Doppel, nothing changes until we change it. I am going to ask you a question. Do not tell me the answer, not now. Wait a few days. Think.” Her ears started twitching. “You aren’t in the hive anymore. You have choices in life, now. I will not pick for you and I will not judge you either way. You can either choose to serve me or you can choose to serve yourself. You can stay as a… vessel of pleasure. Collect stallions and mares alike. Fulfill your growing needs. Wear out your body in the most enjoyable, sensual acts possible. Or you can serve me. I will rely on you. You will assist me. You will still have needs and you can still meet those needs, but I… or someone else, perhaps, will come first. As your master, I give you this choice. Live for me or live for you. Which do you want?”

She stood there in silence for a very long time before carefully pulling away from my hand, grabbing the tray, and walking away. When I was done staring at her ass (and giggling to myself about how funny she was walking), I stood up and turned to the wastes so I could watch the scenery.

“Flo, I’ve been idly musing,” I said after some time of quiet. She grunted. “You already know it all, but talking out loud helps me, I suppose.”

“For what it’s worth, it’s an interesting thought,” she said.

“Africa was the birthplace of humanity, or so the theory of evolution goes. And in this day and age, it’s a place where magic doesn’t quite work properly. There’s also a lot of empty space here. If opening a portal to another time is possible, would it be worth having my kind live here? As the cradle of our rebirth? Celestia would be no threat, not without magic against our technology.”

“Perhaps. You would have to find a place to cast the initial spell, and then find a way to move them here quietly. And while Celestia’s influence could be a bad thing, it also has… uses. Especially if you decide to become her official consort.”

“Yeah. It might be something worth talking to… some others about.”

“You think Twilight wouldn’t tell Celestia your plan?”

“I think Twilight has earned my trust. Or at the very least, has earned the right to have trust placed in her.”

“You did promise to have a talk with her while you were under the influence. And you gave her the name of your sister to invoke should you prove… reluctant.”

“Of course I did… I thought this choice was mine alone to make, once. Save humanity or let them rest. But this is a large world. This choice will affect everyone. Is that something I can truly decide on my own? Is that fair?”

She didn’t reply for some time. After slowly calculating, she asked, “Is it fair that they weren’t given a true chance? The world turns, Nav. Things change. Life survives. Life adapts. The world will not end if humans are brought forward in time. Change is the greatest constant in life. And, despite what some of my sisters believe… and despite what I once believed, change is beautiful. It’s exciting. It’s important. A being that cannot change cannot survive.”

“True. But still…”

We fell into silence for longer this time. Eventually, she spoke up again. “You are a catalyst, Nav. A harbinger of great things. Evil or good, I don’t know. But they will be great. They have been great. Your choices have changed this world. Your choices will continue changing it. From curing Twilight’s racism to changing the entire system of government in two nations, you have changed this world. And you have changed with it. You talk like the choice of bringing humanity back is something every race needs to decide. But in the end, even after they talk and talk, the choice will be yours. The unicorns are loyal to you. The idea is yours. Nothing will happen without you. Save the great minds a headache and do what feels right to you. It will be the right choice, no matter what it is, for you will be the one who made it. As a catalyst, that is your right. That is your destiny.”

I spat over the side. “Fuck destiny.” With that, I finally started walking back to my room.

“You were right about one thing, at least,” Flo said. “You barely survived the crucible of the world and are now being reborn in humanity’s original cradle. I have a feeling that by the time we leave, you might be something approaching human again.” My wings twitched, so she chuckled and added, “In mentality, at least.”

There was no need to respond to that.

Once I got to my room, I quickly stripped out of the armor and started looking for some very light clothing. I was tired of being hot and wanted something cool. My eyes lingered on some of my older clothes, but I sighed and decided on a sun dress instead. It killed me a little on the inside, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t airy.

Since my armor had gotten dented against the bat things, I took the breastplate and walked over to the blacksmith’s room. I passed some of Twilight’s friends on the way and exchanged pointless pleasantries with them (and a thump on the nose in Rarity’s case), but made it without any time consuming distractions.

Unsurprisingly, Smiles was the only one there at the moment. Jak was almost definitely dealing with Athena’s insanity. Thankfully, I didn’t need Jak for a quick repair. Smiles was reading when I stepped in and didn’t hear me enter, so I set the armor on the table next to him, making him flinch and look up. “This got dented,” I said.

He blinked a few times, looked me up and down, then his eyes flashed blue for a moment. He quickly shook his head until they turned gold again and said, “Alright. I’ll have it fixed in an hour or two. What happened?”

“We got attacked by some kind of weird flying bat things. One kicked me.”

“Oh. Did anypony else get hurt?”

“Nah. I’ll come by in a bit and pick it up.”

“I can leave it in your room when it’s done, if you’d prefer.”

I shrugged and said, “Sure. Not like you got much else to do.”

He slowly looked around the room and that’s all I really paid attention to before I unceremoniously left. Just because he wasn’t currently being creepy didn’t mean I felt like giving him a chance to be.

When I got back to my room, what I considered an unlikely duo was waiting on me. Applejack was making herself at home on the bed and Rarity was rubbing at a slightly red nose. I entered and crossed my arms, waiting.

“That was quite rude of you, you know,” Rarity said when she realized I wasn’t going to make the first move.

“So was lifting up my skirt to see what kind of panties I was wearing.” None, for the record, which is why I thumped her.

“A fashionista has a right to know if her friend is properly matching her—”

Applejack reached over and put a hoof on Rarity’s side, making her stop mid-lecture. “I ain’t much one for beatin’ ‘round the bush, Nav. What in tarnation were you talkin’ about two nights ago? Ain’t nopony’s tellin’ us nothin’, aside from you gettin’ drugged.”

“Well, truth be told, there isn’t much more to tell. Zecora and I went to talk to a big-wig zebra shaman. He drugged us, I spoke with the spiritual incarnation of death itself, he sent us back to the ship, and then Zecora and I told prophecies about pretty much everyone we saw for the next day or so. Flo also got hit, but it just seemed to knock her out.”

“Huh. Well, that explains why I ain’t bein’ told nothin’. I don’t get that at all.”

“Prophecies, you say?” Rarity quietly asked, finally lowering the hoof from her nose. “What you told me didn’t seem very… prophetic.” I shrugged. “Well, I say that, but… I did happen to do what you told me I should. And it was very… effective.”

“Good. I have no idea what I told you.” She blinked. “I don’t remember any of it. Zecora does, but that’s because she has training.”

“So you ain’t gonna be no kinda use tellin’ me what it meant?” Applejack asked.

“Nope. Ask Zecora or Twilight.”

She softly snorted. “Well, it weren’t no kinda nice prophecy anyway. And I don’t reckon it really matters what it meant. If it happens, it happens, nasty or not.” She shrugged. “Ain’t no use in trying to understand fate and destiny.”

If you have no ambitions in life, sure. “Any other questions?” I asked. Rarity’s mouth opened, so I quickly edited myself. “Any other questions about the prophecies?” She shut her mouth and rolled her eyes. Applejack shrugged. “Alright, cool. AJ, you want to cuddle and let me rub your belly while Rarity watches and is jealous?”

“Maybe later.” She hopped off the bed and stretched. “If you’re down here, somepony’s gotta take your place up top. I reckon that somepony’s probably gonna be me. Unless you’re headin’ up there?”

“I was on watch last night. I’ll probably rest my eyes a bit and let Smiles repair my armor before heading back up.”

“Alrighty. See you in a bit, then.” She walked past me and left, leaving a noticeably irate Rarity.

“Don’t you glare at me in that tone of voice,” I said, putting my hands on my hips. She started glaring harder. “Don’t test me, woman.” She bared her teeth. “Keep it up, I dare you. I will cuddle the everloving shit out of you.” She scoffed. “I will tickle you under the chin and call you my prettiest little pony, then brush your hair and cuddle you. Just fucking try me!”

“Do it, filly. The princess sent a letter saying you wouldn’t!”

I was on that bitch in an instant.

When Smiles walked into my room two hours later, he was probably extremely confused about why I was cuddling with a very pissed off Rarity. I had her tail in one hand and she was too afraid of me ruining it to try running, so she was taking her cuddles like a good little girl, the slut.

“So should I ask, or just set the armor down and leave?”

Rarity huffed, crossed her forelegs, and looked at the ceiling. I smiled and said, “Just put it down and walk away.” He did so. Right before he got to the door, he turned back, opened his mouth, closed it, turned back around, walked out, and pulled the door shut behind him.

“I hate you,” Rarity muttered.

“And I thought we were friends,” I said, gently rubbing her tummy with the hand that didn’t have her tail.

“You make me do things I hate and I torture you for them. That’s hardly friendship!”

I patted the belly. “It’s a give and take relationship. Now, when I let your tail go, what are you going to do?”

“Fight the urge to strangle you and settle for slapping you instead.”

“Wrong answer.” I’m a lot faster than she is. As soon as I let her tail go, I rolled over on top of her, pushed her fully onto her back, lowered my head to her stomach, and blew a loud raspberry on it. She quickly started squealing and shaking her hooves, trying to dislodge me. I did that until her hooves started slowing down, then licked her on the snout and ran like hell.

She was too confused and tired to say or do anything, so I made it to Zecora’s room before she even poked her head out. Zecora’s door was ajar, so I let myself in and quickly scanned around. There was a single surprised mare in there who was looking up from some notes, so I closed the door behind me and casually nodded. “Sup?”

Apparently she decided that it was above her pay grade, so she got over her surprise and decided against asking. “I am reading over the notes Twilight took while you were in the trance-state.”

“Neat. I got some intel you might be interested in. Don’t know if it’s important or not.”

“Any information is likely more than I have.”

“Last night, we got attacked by some kind of flying bat monsters. One eye, big teeth, batty, had a penchant for rape.”

She nodded once. “Popobawa. Disgusting monsters.”

“Right. Well, we took one alive. He had some interesting stuff to say. First, that he’s working for Pertz as a scout. Second, that Pertz has a great shaman working for him.”

“Both things of note… I can’t imagine you got much more.”

“Nah. I did tell him to deliver a message, though. He’s to tell Pertz that the sun is coming.”

She pursed her lips slightly. “I see. So you let him go.”

“After… dismembering him. I figured it wise to make sure he went to the shaman.”

“Hm.”

“You disapprove.”

She nodded. “I do. I consider it unwise to warn someone who consorts with monsters that we are coming and that we were sent by Celestia. But it is done. I am more concerned at the moment with the fact that he has a shaman by his side.”

“You can whoop his ass, right?”

She tried hiding her small smile by looking at the window. “Perhaps. I have neglected my combat skills of late. But members of my profession do not fight each other, so the point is moot.”

“...Would their shaman still consider you a shaman?”

Zecora sighed. “Should the worst come to pass, I will be ready. But I fear that if he has resorted to recruiting even the popobawa, we will likely be unable to fight our way out.”

“At this rate, I think we have to disprove his godliness. We can’t just go in there and walk out with him. The dude will still be deified. And if we kill him, he’ll be a martyr and still deified. We need to make his slaves lose faith.”

She looked back at me, all traces of a smile gone. “I agree. And if we can’t, it is likely that every one of his subjects will need to be killed. I would not ask such a thing of you, nor anyone on this ship. But they will be dangerous. Belief is not so easily put aside, I’m afraid. Unveiling him as a scam is the best way.”

“Well… here’s hoping we don’t fuck up, I guess.”

“...Indeed.”

We fucked up so hard.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Eight — Pertz

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Eight — Pertz

We started seeing signs of habitation far before Zecora said we were almost to her original village. It was mostly zebras living in yurts and huts along the riverside. Each place had a small farm around it and oftentimes, someone was working the land as we flew over. In each of those cases, they stopped what they were doing and stared as we passed.

Once Zecora said we were a mere twenty kilometers from her old village, the peasants below us started sending runners as soon as they spotted us, presumably to tell everyone what was coming. At that point, the crew I hand-picked for landing started readying themselves. For some of us, that was easy. All Kat had to do was strap on her daggers, a rapier (that I had never seen her use, actually), a small pack of bolts, and find a good way to keep the crossbow holstered. Ames just needed his sword. Spike didn’t even need that, though he might have wanted to bring his anyway.

For the rest of us, we needed to get armored up. Applejack still wasn’t entirely proficient in armor, but she managed it easily enough anyway. The single bat pony squad (Sentinel’s, per Watcher’s request) geared up quickly in their old night guard armor, though it looked somewhat odd with my red hand symbol instead of Luna’s cat eye. I kinda wanted them to use the dragon armor Jak made before we found that it was haunted, but I didn’t want to risk it in case we actually did have to fight. And I wore my standard metal armor, because I figured that would be very imposing to people that didn’t have steel. I also had my ring, just in case Pertz found a way to circumvent the lack of magic.

Zecora wore a single ratty cloak with a hood that covered her entire head. She drank a potion that made her eyes start glowing a faint yellow under the hood. I’m not sure if they were weapons or not, but she also had a bandolier of potions strapped to her chest and two saddlebags with even more potions in them.

Around ten kilometers from her old village, we started seeing kayaks and other small boats on the river. Soldiers in what looked like bronze or copper armor were patrolling the area. They were a mixed bag. Mostly zebras, but as we started getting closer, we began seeing more species. A few rhinos, one or two hippos, a small amount of elephants, and some cryptids that I didn’t recognize.

Given the number and types of troops he had, I was starting to seriously doubt our ability to fight our way out if it became necessary. If it were just zebras, we’d be fine. Ames and I could cut our way through them like butter, as long as we were able to keep moving and not get surrounded. But rhinos and hippos are vicious as hell and elephants are huge enough to be problems, armor or not.

When we were just five kilometers away and could barely see the overgrown village, a large bird with a long beak landed in front of Ames and squawked. As soon as it made that noise, the thing started emitting sparks of static electricity.

Zecora pressed her hoof against my side to get my attention, then ran over to it. I followed right behind her, since it was presumably important. She didn’t make any hostile moves, so I assumed the thing wouldn’t attack us.

Sure enough, it started talking instead, though its beak didn’t move at all. “What is your business here?” a female voice asked from inside of it.

“We were sent by Princess Celestia to speak to Pertz,” I replied. “I am Navarone. He may know of me.”

“He may. The flag you fly is not one of the sun. Nor is it the one of our god. How do I know you speak the truth?”

Shit, I should have gotten Celestia’s seal or something. Zecora took the reins, though. “The waters we tread are dangerous ones, witch doctor.” The bird’s eyes narrowed slightly. “The symbol of the sun is an unwelcome one in many areas. As is the symbol of your god. I advised them against flying either. The unknown is better than that which is hated.”

“It has been long since one of your ilk has shown themselves here, shaman.” The bird looked back at me. “Were you the ones that attacked our scouts?”

“No. We were the ones that your scouts attacked. I decided to let the survivor go as a show of goodwill. And to deliver a message, of course.”

“He delivered a warning, not a message. Pertz has no desire to speak to those who attack his subjects.”

The naga snorted. “I imagine his list of new souls to talk to is very low, when his subjects attack everyone unfamiliar on sight.”

“A god has no need to waste his time on frivolous conversations.”

“Your so-called god has very much upset his ruler,” I said, putting my hand on the pommel of my sword. “He will speak to us, or he will answer to Celestia. And I can guarantee that no matter how powerful you think he might be, she’s stronger. I would greatly advise you save yourself some casualties and tell him to meet us when we land.”

The bird was silent for several seconds before more static started pooling out of it. “He will hear your words.” With that, the thing dove off the side and flew back toward the city.

Immediately after it left, Zecora whirled to me. “That is not a shaman, Nav! This is bad. Very, very bad!”

“Yeah, you called her a witch doctor. What’s the difference?”

“Shamans strive for order and peace in all things. We need balance and seek to end conflict. Witch doctors seek power by any means. And only the strongest can summon and control the great impundulu. He doesn’t have a shaman, he has a powerful monstrosity!”

“...Huh. Can you kick her ass?”

She calmed herself slightly and leaned back. “Perhaps. I will return momentarily.” She left without another word, walking back into the depths of the ship.

The naga shook his head and muttered, “Blasted magic users.” I kinda agreed, but didn’t see any reason to voice it. Instead, I walked over to the helm, where Watcher and Gourd were both standing.

“What was that thing?” Watcher asked when I got close.

“Some kind of witch doctor or something,” I said. “Zecora’s pretty worried about it. She thinks things might go poorly if we have to fight.”

“Given the number of troops he has, I agree,” Watcher said. “I very highly suggest against antagonizing them too far, sir.”

“Noted. Gourd, do you think we should land? Or would we be better off continuing to fly and hoping we don’t need a quick extraction?”

“I suggest landing,” Gourd said. “If you do have to fight, you don’t want to climb that ladder under possible enemy fire, or while being harassed by flyers. And if you have to drag in an unconscious Pertz, getting him up the ladder would also be difficult. If I can find a suitable place to land, I’ll do so.”

“Can you keep the ship prepped in case we need to extract quickly?”

“Of course. How long do you think this should take?”

I shrugged, which was kinda pointless since it didn’t show up very well in the armor. “No clue. This’ll mostly be Zecora’s show. We’re here as muscle and to get her in. If shit hits the fan, we might just deep six this asshole and book it.”

Gourd blinked a few times before looking at Watcher. “He means they’ll kill him and run if things go bad,” the old man said. “I think. And the princess’s order allows for that, if necessary.”

“She’s very understanding,” I said with a smile they couldn’t see. “I’m going to go talk to the shore party. Watcher, you coming?”

“Yes sir.” We walked down the stairs to the center of the ship, where everyone that was heading down was congregated, aside from the naga who was at the front of the ship and Zecora who was still downstairs. The three soldiers saluted quickly before going back to stretching. Applejack was nervously toying with her hair. Spike was flexing his claws. Kat was sharpening a dagger.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s almost showtime,” I said. “The goal is to get in and out quickly. But we’re pretty sure that’s going to go to shit, so the goal is to not get separated. I kinda doubt that’ll happen, too. Kat, you’re in charge of Spike and Applejack.” Spike’s mouth opened, but I silenced him with a short stare. “Sentinel, you’re in charge of your squad. I’ll try to keep the naga and Zecora with me. We’ll rearrange as needed. Regroup spot is the ship. Do not speak to the natives unless spoken to. Do not show fear. Applejack, there’s a chance they’ll think you’re our liaison, since you’re the only normal pony we’re taking with us. If that’s the case, refer them to me.”

“Yep. Why you bringing me, though?”

“Because you’re the most reliable normal pony we have here. You have common sense and won’t do or say something stupid. You can also fight and get around fine without magic. That’s why Pinkie and Rarity are currently distracting Dash.” By forcing her to dress up in all kinds of adorable dresses, from what Rarity was saying. “The reason we’re bringing you at all is because you look like a normal pony and I don’t want them to think we’re just bringing what the locals think are demons or non-ponies.”

“I reckon that makes sense,” she said with a nod.

“If we end up having to fight, we should all head for the ship. If we’re separated, don’t try to find the others. Just get to the ship as quickly as possible. Try to avoid combat if at all possible, but if you get forced into it, eliminate the hostiles by any means necessary. That means you might have to kill, Applejack. If you’re not okay with that, I’m willing to leave you behind.”

She looked away for a few moments before looking back. “I put this armor on knowing I might have to do that. I ain’t gonna let nopony down.”

“Gourd is going to try to land us in the water, so we don’t have to climb up the ladder while under attack. Zecora is going to try to take care of their mage, if it becomes necessary. I’ll back her up if my ring helps me against their magic. If he’s awake when we grab him, you’ll guard him, Sentinel. If we have to knock him out, Spike can carry him. If we kill him, leave the body. Questions?”

Kat nodded. “A lot of tribals have customs involving guests. They might feed us and expect us to spend the night in their hospitality before talking business. Should we eat their food or sleep in their village?”

I turned to Watcher, hoping he could field that one. “Don’t,” he said. “I knew Pertz before he came here. He was paranoid then. Spending a few years here likely only compounded it. He’ll be suspicious and poison or late night assassinations would be an easy way to deal with you. If you’re there that late, try to return to the ship and stay here.”

“Anyone else?” I asked.

“Why aren’t I going with you?” Spike asked.

“Because you’re a heavy hitter and Kat’s physically weak,” I said. “If she needs heavy lifting done, you’re doing it. I’m keeping the naga with me because he’s the best fighter we have and I’m probably going to be right in the middle of the village with Pertz.”

Before I could ask for more questions, Zecora joined us with another bag of potions. When she realized no one else was talking, she set the bag down and said, “We cannot leave the witch doctor here, whether we leave with Pertz or not. And I might not be able to kill or incapacitate her myself.”

“Will she have magic defenses?” Kat asked.

“Likely,” Zecora said with a nod. “Witch doctors specialize in making fetishes from lost souls that give them many extra abilities. They can also act as armor.” She reached into the bag and took out two milky-white potions. “Dripping these over weapons will allow them to pierce most magical defenses, at the cost of making them worthless against any physical armor stronger than cloth. On a sword, the effect would last around fifteen minutes. Thirty on a dagger. A bolt would be a single shot.”

I pushed one into a pouch on my belt and passed the other to Kat. “We’ll plan her assassination as needed,” I said. “Pertz is the primary target, Zecora. I know I said I’d help you save your people or whatever, but I wasn’t expecting this many fucking people. This shit’s gonna be dangerous enough without purposefully going after their secondary leader.”

“Noted, and I understand.” She pulled out an orange potion and passed it to Spike. “This will increase the intensity of your flames for an hour. It’ll also make you emit a heat that will be painful for anyone within a meter of you, so be wary when drinking it.” He gulped and nodded. She pulled out a red one and passed it to me. “This fills the imbiber with a great strength and nullifies pain, but you can’t talk or reason. Everyone that you don’t know will be seen as an enemy and a target.”

“This one goes to the naga,” I muttered, also pushing it in the pouch. “Do you have any potions that don’t have drawbacks?”

“I’m afraid that is rarely how it works,” she said. “Balance in all things. But the ones I am carrying around me are all entirely negative, if it makes you feel better.”

“It does not. You got anything else in your bag of wonders?”

She pulled out three green potions and handed them to Sentinel and her two soldiers. “These make quadrupeds fleet of hoof. Should you need to run, drink these and you will be able to move much more swiftly. Unfortunately, it dims your eyesight, so you won’t be able to see as far.”

“Seems dangerous,” Sentinel said. “How long does it last?”

“Three kilometers,” Zecora said. “Or two hours. Whichever happens first.” She closed the bag and tossed it on her back, then slowly looked around our group. “I should mention now that should the worst come to pass, allowing yourselves to be captured alive would be most inadvisable. I feel no need to go into the indignities that will likely be committed upon you, but know that they will be more than slightly unpleasant. It is unlikely that even the water elementals would be able to save us. Should we have to fight, and should we begin to lose, fight to the death.”

“Sounds like good motivation to avoid a fight to me,” I said.

“Indeed. And of course, you shall not call me Zecora while we are there. My name will be Peregrine.”

Before anyone could reply, the ship’s bell started ringing. When it stopped, Gourd shouted, “We’re going to land. Brace yourselves!”

“We’ll leave the ship as soon as we can,” I said. “For now, hold onto something.” Our group broke up as everyone went to find something to brace themselves with. For most of us, that ended up being the railing on the side.

Since Ames was being antisocial, I walked to stand next to him. He saw me and put a hand on my shoulder to help support me for the landing. “Are you ready for combat?” he asked.

“As ever. But the point of this is to avoid combat if at all possible. These guys have a lot of bad motherfuckers that I don’t want to have to deal with. I’d much rather disprove Pertz as a god and then get the hell out. That said, I’m going to want you and Zecora by my side as much as possible. If the fighting does start, the three of us will probably have the best chance of getting to Pertz and taking him down. Oh, and here.” I pulled out the red potion and passed it to him. “If the shit does hit the fan, drink this. Zecora said it’ll make you stronger, but you’ll attack anyone you perceive as hostile. Just stay with me and I’ll direct you.”

“I will be by your side, sister of battle.”

That was all we had time for before we touched down in the river. Thankfully, Gourd knows his business, so we didn’t bounce too badly or hit the bottom. Everyone milled around until the ship slowly ground to a halt next to some shoddily made docks, where a welcoming party of three armored hyenas and a gorilla was waiting for us. The gorilla had a large wooden shield and a spear tipped with bronze.

One of the crew members lowered a gangplank and I was the first on it, walking down to speak to them. “I am Navarone,” I said. “And this is my ship. We are here to speak to your leader.”

“Any emissaries from the goddess of the sun are welcome in the village of our god of trade,” the gorilla grunted, placing one of his hands on his chest. “Though you don’t look like those that came before.”

“The river is a dangerous place,” I said, placing a hand on the pommel of my sword. “The last group that was sent did not return. She decided to send a more… battle-ready crew to determine why.”

The gorilla’s eyes gazed over the group standing behind me, those of us in the shore party. His eyes lingered on some people and passed over others. Finally, he looked back at me. “Your use is not mine to determine. But the river must have truly degraded for the goddess of the sun to send so many demons.”

“She does not do things by halves. If the first attempt fails, she will ensure that the second does not. And if the second attempt still falls short, she will come personally to punish those who dared attack her subjects.” Hint hint.

“You serve a wise goddess. Come this way.” He turned and started walking away from the ship, toward land. The hyenas eyed me for a moment before following him. My group joined them, though as soon as they got to land, the hyenas stopped so they could flank us.

I passively noted that Spike stood very close to Applejack, presumably to shield her if necessary. Sentinel’s squad quietly surrounded Zecora. The naga fell in on my right shoulder and Kat took my left.

This village was very different from the shaman place. That one had no permanent structures, despite presumably having been there for a while. This town had several huts with thatched roofs, a few wells despite having a river, and children were running between houses, cavorting freely. Several female zebras were sitting in whatever shade they could find and spinning thread, tanning leather, sewing, and doing other menial tasks. We passed a few training grounds that had soldiers practicing all kinds of combat, though I didn’t see them doing any magic.

The only free pony in the entire village was right in front of a large group of wooden cages, bound together by leather ropes. Each one had a different creature in it. A lion, three of Celestia’s royal guards, a very battered unicorn mare, a few hyenas, several zebras, one wounded popobawa that flinched when he saw us, a very large and wizened elephant, a warthog, a meerkat, and two rhinos. Seeing the royal guards gave me a very bad feeling in my gut.

Pertz was a bright yellow unicorn with a cutie mark of a trading scale. He was standing in front of the unicorn’s cage, just staring at her. A female zebra that was covered in tattoos, had no tail, and was wearing a creepy mask stood next to him, watching us. The same bird we saw earlier was sitting on her back, also watching us. It was still emitting random sparks of electricity, which the zebra ignored.

The gorilla walked up to Pertz and bowed down. “My lord god, these supplicants have come to show obeisance, and deliver a message from the goddess of the sun.”

Pertz finally turned to face us and I could instantly tell something inside of him checked out a very long time ago. His eyes had a manic look in them, the same kind of look I saw in Miguel and similar to the one I saw in the king of Egypt. There wouldn’t be any talking this guy down, that’s for sure.

“Visitors from Celestia,” he slowly said in an off-puttingly high voice, which was not at all what I was expecting. “Why do you come here?”

“She hasn’t heard word from you in a long time,” I said. “She was worried about you. It would please her to have you return to Canterlot for a short amount of time, so she can speak to you in person.”

He was silent for several long seconds before turning back to the cage. “Do you hear that? She wants us to come home.” The mare flinched and whimpered. He turned back to me. “I am going nowhere.”

“It wouldn’t be a long trip,” I said. “We made it down the river in less than a week. We made it across the ocean in a similar amount of time. You wouldn’t be away from your post long.”

He slammed a hoof on the ground, making the area around us start shaking for several seconds. When it stopped, he said, “I am going nowhere.”

“Shall I dispose of them?” the zebra asked, tilting her head slightly. “Or would you prefer them in your cages?”

He shook his head, though his eyes didn’t leave my helmet. “Many of the servants of Celestia are milquetoasts and will need no convincing to depart. They will spend the night here to recuperate from their assuredly arduous journey, then leave in the morning. They will carry a message to Celestia.”

“Some of her servants are cowards,” I said, putting my hand back on the sword’s pommel. “I am not one of them.”

The gorilla gripped his spear tighter and squared up in front of me. “You dare speak back to your god?” he growled.

“I fear no god or king,” I said. The gorilla thrust his spear toward me, but the naga grabbed it before it could hit me. The hyenas started growling and circling and Pertz’s horn lit up.

Surprisingly, Zecora broke the stalemate. “There is no need for mass bloodshed,” she said, stepping forward. “Dueling is the way of war, and this village has long since turned from its peaceful nature. Select your champions and we will select ours. Should you win, we will peacefully depart. Should you lose, you will return with us.”

The witch doctor bitterly laughed while the gorilla yanked his spear back. The witch shook her head and said, “Such is the weakness of the shaman! You desire equality, even if you must stoop into our violence to obtain it. Kill them all, Pertz. That will send your princess her message.”

“Do you fear me, witch doctor?” Zecora quietly asked, turning her glowing yellow eyes directly onto the bitch.

“My power is absolute. I have no need to prove it to you!”

“Shows of power are always necessary when surrounded by brutes,” Zecora said, turning her head to gaze around the camp. “Such displays keep the weaker willed in line. That is the way of the witch, is it not? Rule by fear and power, not respect and love?”

Pertz wryly smiled. “So it is, shaman. What is your name? Your voice seems… familiar.”

“I am called Peregrine. My assistance was requested for this journey down our Heart’s Vein.”

“We will meet your challenge. Five champions. Five duels to the death or until one surrenders.” He looked at one hyena and said, “Lead them to the arena. I will join them there shortly.” The hyena bowed and then started jogging away. My group followed.

When we were away from Pertz, I waved Zecora forward. “So what the hell was that?” I asked. “That wasn’t unicorn magic.”

“It was not,” she said. “It was also not my magic, or the witch doctor’s magic. If I knew how he did what he did, he would not have been a threat to me.”

Oh boy. “So what do you expect in this duel?” I asked.

“His best warriors, though I doubt he would throw away every member of a race at once. So it will likely be one or two of each race. An elephant, a rhino, a gorilla, a hippo, and likely his witch doctor.”

“Fun. Rules?”

“Melee only, for the most part. No throwing weapons, either.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“But it’s the rule. Or so it was, once upon a time. Should he use the witch doctor as a champion, magic will be allowed. But she would only deign to fight me. And even if your ring would work against her, I must be the one to defeat her.” I kinda wondered why, but I figured it was probably just an honor thing. This world is stupid like that.

The arena wasn’t too far from where they kept the prisoners. There was probably a correlation there, one that I didn’t think too hard on. The place wasn’t all that large, unsurprisingly. There were a few stands on all four sides, and the sidelines were large enough that competitors could comfortably stand around while waiting for their turn.

When the hyena wandered off, I turned to face our group. “Thoughts?”

Sentinel shook her head. “I have no interest in being a part of a pissing contest against savages, sir. Especially not ones with hides thicker than my armor. If you need me to fight zebras, I can. But there’s not much I or anyone on my squad can do against a rhino, elephant, or hippo.”

“Noted.”

Kat drew her rapier and looked down the blade. “I can handle an elephant, Nav. It certainly wouldn’t be the first this rapier has claimed. No amount of toughness would help any of you against one of them. Speed is needed, and I have the most here.”

The naga gently pressed against Kat, making her stumble back. “You are weak, kitty. What use are you against something that large?”

“Finesse beats brute strength any day, big guy. Or have you not learned that from our bouts?” He silently rubbed at a large bruise on his hip. “Being able to quickly hit a small target with perfect accuracy means a lot.”

“Then you’ll get the largest thing we fight,” I said. “But you better not get fucking crushed. I sure as shit don’t want to have to deal with Spider alone.” She smiled and bowed. “Naga, can you handle a rhino?”

“Of course. I could also handle an elephant or a hippo. Weaponless animals are cake to bring down.”

“Good. Spike, you’ll fight a hippo.”

His eyes widened. “What?! Why me?”

“They have no piercing weapons, so your scales will be impenetrable. You’ll just have to do your best to not get trampled. Use your teeth, claws, tail spikes, and fire if it’s allowed.”

“It’s not,” Zecora hastily said.

“Then don’t use your fire. But use everything else and tear the thing apart.” He gulped and nodded. “I’ll fill in the gaps and take whatever’s left. Sentinel, keep an eye on the stands. Make sure none of them try cheating if they start losing.”

“Of course, sir.” She looked around and then said, “It should go without saying that when we win, we need to negotiate the release of the pony prisoners as well.”

“We’ll worry about that when we can.” She nodded.

Zebra villagers were starting to filter into the arena, taking places in the stands. I suppose it wasn’t too often that they got to see actual fights. They probably usually only saw slaughters, though they might have expected this to be one. I certainly intended for it to be that way.

About fifteen minutes after we arrived, Pertz appeared on the other side of the arena. Sure enough, he had a hippo, a rhino, an elephant, the same gorilla, and his witch doctor. He and his mage started walking toward us, so Zecora and I met him halfway.

“I never learned your name, armored stranger,” Pertz said when we got close to him.

“I am the human Navarone,” I said. After a moment of thought, I removed my helmet. His eyes widened and his breath seemed to catch. “You may have heard of me.”

He recovered quickly, I’ll give him that. “I have. Blueblood sent me many letters about you. So did several of the other nobles. It will be good to put you in your place.”

“We shall see about that,” I said as I put my helmet back on. “I have chosen my champions. Are your troops ready to die?”

“My holy champions are ready to win,” he growled. With that, he whirled around and marched back to his side. Zecora and I walked back to our area.

The first one he sent out was the rhino. Ames drew his sword and slithered out to meet the foe.

There wasn’t any kind of indication that the round started. The rhino just suddenly started charging. Ames grinned and slid right around the beast. It grunted and skidded to a halt right in front of us, showering most of us with dust and rocks. Applejack and Kat apparently saw it coming and decided to hide behind Spike. The rest of us just turned away and let it ping off our armor.

When the rhino was facing the right way, he started walking toward the naga, who was still waiting near the center of the arena. The rhino chuckled darkly and said, “So you can dodge, naga. But how long can you stand against me? I am the boulder tumbling down the mountain. I am the avalanche that eradicates a city. I am the wave that eats away the shore! And you will fall to me, naga.”

Ames chose not to participate in the smack talk, which probably pissed the rhino off. There’s nothing quite like being ignored when you’re trying to build yourself up.

Instead of charging this time, the rhino got within goring range of his horn and tried stabbing the naga. Ames lifted his sword up and blocked the stab with the flat of his blade, which pushed his upper body back slightly. I had a feeling he was just judging the rhino’s strength.

The rhino pulled back and tried a sweeping attack that the naga ducked away from. Since that failed, the beast reared back and thrust both legs forward. Ames finally responded by quickly shifting away and swinging his sword in for an attack, which the rhino just barely blocked with his horn.

He swung his head to the side, throwing the naga off balance, then tried another sweeping attack. Ames grabbed the horn with one hand and pulled. The rhino felt him pulling and jerked his head back, which is what the naga wanted. He used that extra momentum to pull himself harder, letting his entire body fly forward.

The rhino saw that and twisted, trying to make Ames let go of his horn. He chose to twist the wrong way, because the naga landed on his back and immediately started wrapping his tail around the rhino’s neck. In response, the rhino sprinted forward and shook his head around to try to dislodge his unwanted passenger. Ames started trying to bring his sword down to stab the bastard in the back of the skull.

The rhino started bucking, making Ames hold onto one of the rhino’s ears with one hand and stopping him from stabbing the guy. Instead, his tail started tightening, though I had no idea how much pressure it would take to make a rhino choke. The horned fellow was definitely starting to panic, though, whether or not his windpipe was actually cut off. His movements got more frantic, enough that one particularly wild buck made Ames rip the guy’s ear off.

The rhino howled in pain and stopped long enough for the naga to finally get his sword ready. But he recovered and turned what should have been a killing blow into something that sliced into his horn instead. It didn’t cut it off, but it got close and the sword became stuck inside.

It gave the rhino the opening he needed, though. He finally reared back and started to fall on his back in an attempt to crush the naga. Ames smiled, grabbed the guy around the horn, and twisted around so he was sitting on the rhino’s underside when he hit the ground. The sword slammed into the dirt and cut the rest of the way through the horn, leaving it in the naga’s grasp.

Before the rhino could recover or start moving, Ames slammed the horn into its neck. His entire body jerked and his legs started flailing, so Ames pulled the horn out and slammed it in several more times, until the rhino finally stopped moving and his blood leaked out into a large pool in the dirt around them.

Ames uncoiled his tail, yanked the horn out, and slid to where his sword was. He slung the dirt off it, put it in its sheath, and slithered over to us without another word. The horn was glistening with blood, so he started rubbing his trophy off in the dirt to clean it.

Pertz stepped forward with an unreadable expression on his face and slammed one hoof into the ground. The dirt rose up around the rhino’s body and then completely engulfed it, dragging it down into who knows where. When the body was gone, he walked back to his side and the hippo moved forward.

“That’s you, Spike,” I said. “Remember that your wings don’t work and that you can’t use flames.”

“And remember that hippos are deceptively fast,” Zecora said. “Even on land, they can likely outrun you.”

“But you eat gemstones,” I said. “So you can tear through him like butter if you can get your teeth on him.”

Spike nervously rubbed his claws together before nodding and stepping up. The hippo sized him up from across the arena. When he realized he’d be fighting a dragon, he actually started looking kinda nervous.

For Spike’s part, his body started morphing as he neared the center of the arena. His claws doubled in size, sharp spines shot out of his back, spikes ripped from his tail, his currently useless wings flared, and his neck elongated sharply. When he grimaced, the hippo could see all of his very sharp teeth.

When Spike’s transformation was complete, the hippo stared in silence for a moment before shrugging and charging. Spike’s eyes widened at the unexpected speed and he dove out of the way. The hippo stopped much faster than the rhino and started charging again, making Spike dive once more.

That repeated a few more times until Spike was sure of the thing’s speed. Across the arena, Pertz was smiling, thinking this a sure victory for him. I knew better, and watched as Spike finally stood his ground against the hippo. Instead of diving to the side as it charged, he stabbed forward with his claws and then elegantly spun around it, impaling its chest and completely dodging the blow.

It wasn’t until the hippo disengaged that I noticed Spike also stabbed him in the side with his tail spikes, leaving a small hole between his ribs. The hippo noted the pain with a loud snort and charged forward with his mouth open. Spike backed up a few paces, took a moment to judge its speed and the distance between them, then sprinted forward.

Even my eyes widened at that one. I started to yell a warning, but Spike dove under the hippo. He timed its leg movements perfectly and somehow squeezed under the fairly low animal. When the hippo was right over him, Spike pushed up, pressing his back spines into the thing’s relatively unarmored stomach.

None of us were expecting that one, least of all the hippo. When he cleared Spike, he slowly ground to a halt, not quite realizing what just happened. Then his stomach burst open, spilling his guts on the ground and making him start screaming.

But he didn’t surrender.

Spike slowly pulled himself up off the ground, nervously watching the injured hippo. He didn’t seem to notice the blood dripping down his back. After about fifteen seconds of pained screaming, Spike looked over to us. I lifted up my head and drew my finger across my neck, hoping he’d understand that meant to finish it. He sighed and started walking toward the hippo.

When it saw Spike, it started trying to crawl away. It either couldn’t talk or its throat was too sore, so it didn’t try to surrender.

Spike stopped right next to it and looked back to me. I nodded. His shoulders sagged and he reached down to its neck, then used his claws to rip out its throat. The hippo quickly finished dying and Spike walked back to our side, shaking blood off his claws. As he got closer, his body started reverting to its normal form.

When he finally got to us, he didn’t say anything and didn’t meet anyone’s gaze. Applejack silently started rubbing the blood off his back with a towel she got from who knows where.

While she was doing that, Pertz was moving forward to deal with this body as well. The unreadable expression he was wearing started dipping into anger, but it wasn’t quite there yet.

“So if we win one more, does that mean it’s over?” I quietly asked Zecora.

“No. All parties will fight, regardless of the number of total victories. And neither dueler is allowed to surrender until their blood has been shed, so we can’t just beat the next one and immediately surrender to end this farce.”

“Dueling is fucking stupid,” I muttered as Pertz walked back to his place.

This time, it was the elephant that moved forward. I suppose they wanted what they thought would be an easy victory. When Kat started walking forward with just a rapier in her hands, they all grinned, thinking they had it. That was an understandable belief, given that each of the elephant’s tusks was longer than Kat’s entire body and thicker than her legs.

Even the elephant seemed to smile as he walked toward her. “Turn around, little kitty. Stomping you is barely worth the effort.”

“Ten years ago, an assassin killed King Babar in the middle of a pitched battle. Perhaps you’ve heard of him.” The elephant stiffened. “I see that you have,” Kat said as she lifted her rapier. “This is the blade that pierced his eye. And this is the paw that wielded it.”

“You slayed my king!”

“He was one of many,” she said with a cute little shrug. “The fight was too easy to be memorable, but I believe I remember enough to foresee how this battle will go.”

“YOU KILLED MY KING!” The elephant lost all pretenses of smugness and charged, baying his trunk like mad. Of course, an angry opponent is exactly what Kat wanted, because he’d lose a lot of wariness and caution. It also gave him a speed and strength boost, but Kat was still faster.

When he got close, she jumped out of his way. He tried grabbing her with his trunk while he passed, but she slapped it away with the rapier. “Too slow!” she said with a chuckle while she lifted her sword back up.

He bayed again and whirled on her, trying to use his trunk to grab her. She dodged back and kicked dirt into it. That made him stop trying to grab at her. Instead, he jumped forward to try to stab her with one of his tusks. She ducked under it and poked him in the foot, though he didn’t pay it any mind. Since she was low, he tried swinging his trunk along the ground.

She did a fairly sexy backflip over it and pulled a knife out at the same time. While he was trying to recover from that, she sliced his ear open with the knife and put it away again before he could even turn.

“You ready to surrender yet?” she asked as his blood started sprinkling onto the arena.

“Vengeance will be mine!”

I rolled my eyes. “Kat, stop toying with him!” She dodged away from another of the elephant’s blows and stuck her tongue out at me. “Fucking sadistic cats, man...”

Spike walked up next to me and asked, “Is she really just… playing with him?”

“Yes. She could have ended this fight as soon as it started.” I shook my head and sighed, “But that’s not her way.”

The crowd was also starting to get antsy. They wanted to see action, not someone tiny dodging away from someone huge while occasionally stinging him with mosquito bites. Of course, the crowd’s pleasure wasn’t exactly my concern, but I really didn’t want them to do anything stupid.

I also didn’t want Kat to risk getting clobbered by what should have been an easy conquest.

But thankfully, it seemed that she was quickly growing bored. Elephants aren’t exactly the best fighters, honestly. They’re great for shock and awe, but they’re not all too nimble and they usually aren’t extremely violent. This guy had a lot of energy and he was throwing out blows that would probably fuck Kat up if they ever hit her, but she was effortlessly dodging and could likely do so until he wore himself out.

And every blow she dodged just enraged the elephant more and more, until his eyes were bloodshot and he was continuously emitting an awful noise from his trunk.

Finally, Kat got the attack she wanted from the guy. He drove his trunk straight down into the ground, trying to slap her. She quickly sidestepped. When he yanked it back up, she stepped on it and sunk the claws on her lower legs into it. He didn’t even realize Kat was stuck there until she was right in front of his face.

He just barely had time to look surprised before her rapier impaled his left eye, making Spike gasp and grip my arm. She ripped the rapier out, tossing corneal fluids all over the arena. Before his trunk slid down to the ground, she had his other eye impaled and repeated the process of tearing it open. When both were mangled, she slid off his trunk, backed up a few meters, and waited.

The pain probably knocked him flat before blood loss did, but the eyeless elephant quickly fell to the ground, leaking blood and other fluids onto the arena. After nearly a minute passed and he was still sort of breathing, Kat walked back up to him and jabbed her rapier through one of his eye sockets, then twisted it around until he stopped twitching.

With him dead, she slung the juices from her rapier, sheathed it, then started walking back. Before she got a meter away, she stopped, pulled out a very large dagger, and walked back to the body to she could remove one of the tusks. By the time she rejoined us with her trophy, an extremely pissed off Pertz had started making the elephant’s body disappear.

“Mine’s bigger,” she happily said to the naga, hefting the tusk she could barely carry.

“Size isn’t everything,” the naga grumbled, stroking his trophy.

Kat cackled and said, “Just because your wife tells you that doesn’t mean it’s true.” The two ponies in Sentinel’s squad giggled and I kinda wanted to see what the naga would say, but the next enemy champion was walking forward. Of course, it was the gorilla.

“I suppose that’s my cue,” I said as I started walking forward and drawing my sword.

“Good luck!” Spike nervously called. I didn’t see a need to respond to that.

The gorilla didn’t attack immediately, surprisingly. He stopped several meters away, pointed his spear at me, then turned to bow to Pertz. I kept walking with every intention of stabbing him in the back while he was being an idiot, but he got up before I had the chance.

“I will teach you fear, heretic,” he growled.

“I learned that from a far better teacher than you,” I said. “Your story ends today, gorilla. I’d tell you to make peace with your god, but you probably already sucked him off before you came here.”

That really got him riled up. He sprinted forward and jabbed his spear directly at me. I neatly sidestepped and then brought my sword up in a fast arc, cutting the spear’s head off. It was made of wood, so he had no right to be so surprised by that.

Unfortunately, he recovered before I could cut his head off instead, and swung his shield at me. My reflexes failed and I got knocked on my ass and pushed completely out of breath. He jabbed me right in the chest with what was left of his spear, which knocked me onto my back and dented the armor yet again.

He tried swinging it down on my head, but I rolled over and pushed myself back to my feet before he could attack again, then finally went on the offensive. Since he knew how strong my sword was now, he deflected my first slice with his pole and backed up, then tried blocking a stab with his shield. My sword went right through it and the arm on the other side, since wooden shields aren’t the most sturdy of objects and trying to block a heavy pointy metal object is stupid, magical or not.

So he started screaming in pain and pulled his arm away. The shield uselessly clattered to the ground right around the time the cold enchantment kicked in and he started shivering. He tried swinging the pole again, but he was shaking so hard and in so much pain that I casually bisected it further, leaving him practically nothing.

He finally dropped what was left of the stick and started backing away. “Ready to die for your god?” I sarcastically asked, stepping closer. His eyes were full of fear and pain and his one good arm was holding his injured one against his body.

When I got close, he whirled around and started running toward Pertz. “Protect me, please!” I immediately caught up to him and brought my sword down on his back, slicing through part of his spine. He dropped to the ground and started crawling. “My god, please! PLEASE!”

I slowly walked up to the gorilla and put my foot on his back, making him stop and start whimpering. I looked Pertz dead in the eye as I brought the sword down in an arc, cutting the gorilla’s head off. When I looked back at our group on the sidelines, Zecora nodded. I reached down and grabbed the gorilla’s head, then held it up for everyone in the audience to see.

“Is this how you protect your subjects, Pertz?” I called out. “Is this how you save those that beg you for mercy?” I dropped the head. “Your so-called holy warriors have been turned into mere holey corpses. Would you care to cut your losses and admit defeat? Or should we turn another one of your misguided slaves into mincemeat?”

He stepped forward and some kind of magic amplified his voice. “This is the price one must pay for failure, outlander. No more, no less. I did not save him because I couldn’t, I chose not to save him because he failed me. And I choose not to silence you not because I can’t, but because proving you wrong serves a better purpose!”

I put my sword away and held my hands out to my side. “I’m calling you out, Pertz. Silence me if you can. Prove your so-called divinity!”

“Do not tempt me, outlander!”

“I’m not tempting you, Pertz. I’m daring you. We cut four of your best soldiers down without breaking a sweat. I will let you be the fifth, here and now. I won’t even use my sword.” To punctuate that, I unbuckled it and let it fall into the dirt next to me.

He actually looked tempted and I thought for a moment I’d get to beat the shit out of him and call it a day, but his witch doctor ruined it by stepping forward. “He has nothing to prove to you, weakling. You have beaten your champion and now it is my turn to fight. Remove yourself from the arena!”

It seems Pertz was using her as some kind of common sense metric, because he turned around and walked back to his side without even making the gorilla body disappear. “Coward!” I called out. He didn’t reply, so I grabbed my sword and went back to our lines, shaking my head. As soon as I crossed over the edge of the arena, Zecora started walking in, but I stopped her before she got too far. “Do you want to use my ring?” I asked.

“I do not,” she said. “We have already won this fight. If I begin to lose, I will surrender. But I do not believe I will lose. I knew this witch doctor, once. This fight was over the moment she agreed to it.”

“Ballin’. You gonna kill her or try to take her alive?”

“...I will try to kill her, though it will haunt me forever.”

“Alright, cool. Kat and I will be watching from the sidelines. If you do anything stupid like turn your back on her before she actually surrenders or unmask her and pause in surprise long enough for her to do something dangerous, we’ll kill her for you. I’m about done with playing around.”

She shook her head. “This zebra died a long time ago. All that’s left is this monster in her body. There’s nothing surprising about her, nor is there any reason for me to turn my back on her before the job is done.”

“Oh. Then I’ll see you when it’s over.” She finally went away without another word.

As soon as I stopped, the naga slid over to me. “You made several mistakes in that fight, human.”

“I underestimated an opponent with wooden weapons. And I relied too heavily on my armor to stop possible damage. I knew the actual spearhead would have hurt me, but I wasn’t overly worried about the shield or the stick, so I let him get hits on me.”

“...At least you know your mistake.”

“Yeah, now shut up. I want to see a spooky voodoo battle.” He snorted and fell silent.

At the moment, there wasn’t too much to watch. Zecora was standing several meters in front of the witch doctor. For once, the crazy bitch wasn’t advocating murdering someone. She was just standing there, waiting. After nearly half a minute, her bird flew off, away from the arena. I guess using it was against the rules or something.

Either way, that acted as the start of the match. One of the witch’s hooves caught on fire and she lifted it up to her face. She did something and a green fireball shot away from her and toward Zecora, who caught it and casually tossed it aside. “You underestimate the power of balance,” Zecora calmly said, her hoof smoking.

“You underestimate the power of destruction!” the witch shouted back. The eyes of the mask started glowing off white and then a burst of lightning shot out of its mouth. Zecora countered faster than I’ve ever seen anyone move and threw one of her potions at the bolt. The lightning shattered the potion and a glob of smoking green goop plopped to the ground.

Zecora shook her head. “Proper training and plentiful practice provides more strength than bartering your soul ever could.” She picked some dirt off the ground and blew air into it. The stuff flew away and then started whirling around, creating a small dust cyclone that quickly built up size and strength. It shot off toward the witch.

She ignored her hair flying everywhere and lifted a hoof to the mouth of the mask. It elongated and she sucked the cyclone in, dust and all. Her body vibrated rapidly for several seconds before she spewed it back out as a spear of rock that flew across the arena at Zecora.

Our zebra spun, slinging her cloak up and letting the spear impact it. As soon as it did, the rock became flexible and then quickly broke back into dirt. When Zecora was facing the proper direction again, she threw another bottle at the witch doctor. In response, the witch pulled out a single hair and threw it like a knife. It somehow flew true and hit the bottle, piercing it and making it explode into some kind of confetti.

Instead of falling to the ground, each piece of paper froze in the air and then shot directly toward the witch. She managed to jump aside quickly enough to dodge most, but some of them sliced open her right flank.

She wiped some of the blood off and stared at it for a second, then managed to convey a glare through a wooden mask. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!”

Then whose blood are you going to bleed? Jesus.

Zecora chuckled and said, “I merely do unto you what you have done unto others, witch doctor. It is unwise to give that which you cannot take.”

The witch lady growled and rubbed the blood over her mask. It seared in instantly and the expression on the mask changed from one of anger to one of pain. Then both of her front hooves shot into the ground and she started yelling. A few seconds later, the arena started rumbling and then the ground in front of her began cracking. Finally, what looked like a herd of zebras made of dirt rose out of the cracks and started stampeding toward Zecora—and everyone behind her, which concerned me more.

Zecora slammed a hoof down on the ground in front of her, making the herd split and break away from her. They continued running on either side of her, pushing them toward the crowd around her. As soon as they got to the edges of the arena, they exploded into dirt, showering everyone on both sides in filth.

When the dirt started settling in front of Zecora, another ball of fire shot at her, thrown by the witch doctor. Zecora casually backhoofed it, pushing into the sky. Then she spat in the dirt, put her hoof above it, and then tossed that hoof in the air. The water expanded and flowed around her hoof. She waved her leg around for a moment to give the spit momentum and then pushed it at the witch.

She tried shooting lightning to stop it. Instead, it electrified the water, which made it probably hurt even more when it slammed into her. Zecora still had some control over the water, because she used it to pull at the witch’s mask. It was somehow stuck on the mare’s face, so a portion of it broke away instead of coming off entirely.

When that mask broke off, some kind of green smoke started pouring from its mouth. The witch ignored the pain she was in and tried clutching at that smoke, doing her best to drag it back in. But holding smoke in with hooves isn’t exactly the best way to go about it, so it quickly evaporated and left her howling in rage.

She jumped up and then slammed all of her hooves on the ground, making the water instantly evaporate into steam. Then her entire body burst into green flames and she reared back onto her hind legs. Both her forelegs shot a continuous stream of green fire at Zecora.

Her eyes actually widened in surprise and she threw a burst of dust up from the ground. It solidified as a thin wall of stone, but even that started smoking. She used the time it granted her wisely and pulled out another vial, which she tossed at the ground in front of her feet. It exploded in a puff of blue smoke and she disappeared into it right as the flames broke through.

The blue smoke instantly evaporated in the fire and Zecora reappeared several dozen meters away. The witch didn’t notice, though; she was enraged and focused very singularly on that one spot. It backfired quickly when her flames turned cyan and started burning out.

In her anger, she didn’t notice that her flames were disappearing until her hooves went back to normal. The pain on her mask immediately turned to surprise as all the flames around her body just instantly snuffed out. That’s when Zecora’s next vial finally hit the witch doctor on her side.

It exploded in a burst of green and some kind of vines immediately started growing around the evil witch. She tried struggling, but the vines responded by going right for her mask. She gave up trying to cast a spell to use both hooves to hold the mask on, doing her best to stop them from prying it off.

After several long seconds of a shitty tug of war, the vines turned spiky and started pushing spines into the mask, making the mare scream out and give up on holding it. Instead, she started frantically beating her back legs into the ground, starting some kind of small earthquake.

But Zecora wasn’t idle in that time. While the witch was fighting with the plants, Zecora pulled out a small knife and a very thin slice of leather from one of the naga’s kills. She sliced into one of her legs and rubbed it over the leather, then used the knife as a shitty quill to write something onto the parchment. When her message was completed, she awkwardly walked on three legs to the struggling witch doctor and slapped the paper onto her mask right as the earthquakes started rustling the stands.

Some kind of unearthly wailing began coming from the mask itself as the area around the parchment started leaking green smoke. The witch froze and the earthquake immediately stopped. Her head tilted up as she tried to look at what was causing the smoking, then she started screaming in horror and doing her best to peel the parchment off.

At that point, it was burned in and there wasn’t much she could do but try to beat down the green flames that started licking at the mask. Its expression started wildly changing as it burned away. Finally, the vines covering the mare got to her legs and forced them down, so she fell into the dirt and just screamed as the mask burned.

Zecora watched on with her glowing yellow eyes until the mare was immobilized, then carefully ripped off a piece of her cloak and used it to staunch the small wound she had from her dagger. By the time she finished that, the fire had burned its course and all that was left of the mask was a smoking husk that Zecora very easily yanked off the witch doctor’s face.

It revealed a surprisingly young looking zebra with tears streaming down her face. I don’t know if they were from pain, rage, or sadness, but she was glaring up at our shaman with all the anger she could muster.

Zecora stared down at her for an uncomfortably long time before gripping the edge of her cloak with one hoof and then yanking it off, revealing herself. Several zebras in the audience gasped and some started yelling, but our eyes were on the witch.

When she saw who really bested her, several emotions shot across her face. Confusion, surprise, fear, sorrow, and then right back to anger. When Zecora saw where it ended, she shook her head. “You were my sister, once.” Back up, what? “You were my family. I loved you, but—”

“You didn’t care about anything! All you wanted was power!”

Zecora sighed and gently caressed the witch’s smoking hair. “My dear sister, I am… I was a shaman. My path did not allow me to show strong emotions. But I loved you very dearly. And I still very much do.”

“All you ever did was ignore me!”

“I gave you advice, sister. It was my mistake in thinking you were old enough to understand it.”

“You gave me riddles, Zecora. Meaningless stories around meaningless messages, all shrouded in so many mysteries that they were impossible to understand!”

“That is the way of the shaman,” Zecora sighed, shaking her head again. “It is a path I fell away from, sister. But once, I thought it was the path I wanted for myself… and for you.”

“I don’t care about balance! I don’t care about equality! I only want power!”

“And that is why you will die,” Zecora said so quietly I could barely hear it from the sidelines. She lifted a hoof above the immobilized witch’s head and waited for some kind of response. All she did was glare.

But before Zecora could bring it down, I shouted, “Wait!” Zecora slowly looked to me. “She’s family, Zecora! She’s your fucking sister! We’ve already won this stupid duel. Just let her surrender!”

The witch spat on Zecora’s hoof, the one that was still on the ground. “I will never bend my neck to you!”

Zecora lowered her hoof and said, “Nav, there is nothing left of the sister I once knew. The path of the witch doctor is not one that allows redemption. It is not one that allows change. All that she was died when she sold her soul to the spirits. The only thing this mare can do is bring suffering.”

“...I lost my sister,” I said. “She is gone. Forever. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. If you truly believe your sister is already dead, that there is no way for her to come back, then I won’t stop you again. But if you think this will haunt you, you have the power to walk away right now.”

Zecora looked back at her baby sister, who was struggling to free herself from the vines. Then she looked at the mask. “Without this, you have no power,” she softly said, then stomped it into the ground with one of her hooves. Between catching it on fire and breaking it in half with blunt force, she probably wouldn’t be wearing it any time soon.

When it broke, the witch started screaming again.

I guess Zecora realized that was about the only response she would get, so she sighed. Then she lifted up one of her hooves to look at it, the one that she sliced open for her parchment spell. After an uncomfortably long silence, she lifted that hoof up high, so everyone could see it. “My blood has been shed,” she called out, looking around the audience. “I yield.”

“COWARD!” the witch on the ground yelled when she realized she was going to get to live. Zecora looked at her sadly, shook her head, and started walking back to us.

Ames put his hand on my shoulder and quietly said, “I have a feeling you will regret this, human.”

I passed Zecora on my way to the center of the arena. She didn’t even spare me a glance. When I got to her sister, I paused a moment to cut the vines around her before continuing to walk to the center. She immediately grabbed what was left of her mask and scurried away from the arena. Pertz stared very disdainfully the whole time and when I stopped, he didn’t move.

“You have lost four duels out of five, Pertz,” I called. “By all rights, you lost five out of five, but I’ll give you the last one out of the goodness of my heart. It is time for you to return with us to the princess of the sun.”

He took a few steps forward and looked around the audience. “Who among you would have me leave?” he asked. Silence greeted him. “Who among you would allow these outsiders to take me?” None answered. “Who among you will fight to the death to keep your god here, where he belongs?” The audience roared. He continued looking at them for nearly a minute before raising a hoof, making them slowly grow quiet. Then he looked back at me. “You have your answer, pawn of Celestia.”

“What god needs normal peasants to defend him?” I asked. “What god demands people fight and die in his name? And what god refuses a direct challenge to his power?” I drew my sword and pointed it at Pertz. “No god of mine. No god of any kind. If you choose not to return to Equestria, I challenge you here and now, Pertz. Prove your overwhelming power. Prove your divinity. Show your subjects what power you really have!”

The audience immediately started baying for blood. Pertz let them go for another minute before his eyes lit up a fiery red and he slammed one of his hooves into the ground. The entire fighting part of the arena lifted up a full meter, pulling straight out of the ground.

“I will remove you from existence, heretic,” he growled.

“I gave you the chance to do this the easy way,” I calmly said. “Remember that, when it comes time for your trial.”

He fucking vanished, with no indication that he was teleporting. I usually take that as a surefire way I’m about to get attacked from behind, so I immediately spun around, swinging my sword in an arc behind me.

I just barely stopped my blade in time from actually hitting him. He grinned very menacingly before pressing his hoof against my chest. “And I gave you the chance to walk away,” he replied. “Remember that while you rot in your cell.” He lightly pushed, chuckling.

Nothing happened.

He blinked a few times and pushed slightly harder. I looked down at his hoof and saw that it was glowing the same color as his eyes. Since it was doing nothing, I pulled my sword away. He also pulled his hoof back.

“What. Are. You?” he asked, the light around his eyes growing brighter with each word.

“I am someone with skills tailor-made to bring people like you to justice,” I said, sheathing the sword. “So you have two choices. Now that you know your magic won’t work on me, I can beat the everloving shit out of you and drag you back to my ship, then let a professional torturer play with you until we get back to Canterlot. Or you can willingly come with me and we can avoid all that unpleasantness.”

He vanished again and reappeared several meters away. His horn lit up and a fireball flew at me. I let it impact my armor and dissipate, then started walking toward him. His eyes opened wide and he tried hitting me with a spike of ice that also dissipated, then lightning that did nothing.

By that point, I was about a meter away from him. He tensed up and I lunged forward to grab him, then he disappeared and ended up somewhere else in the arena. I held my hands up and started walking again. “I can do this all day, Pertz!” I called as I walked. “I wasn’t expecting actual magic from you, but that doesn’t do much to me either.” Or at least, I don’t think it does. “Cast your spells, use your magic. Doesn’t bother me at all. But when I get my hands on you, it’s going to hurt. And the longer you do this—” He interrupted me with another fireball. “—the more I’m going to make it hurt.”

The anger in his eyes was starting to be replaced with panic. He tried several more spells, each that I effortlessly walked through. When I got to him, he teleported yet again.

I lowered my arms and looked around the arena. “How much do you think it’ll take?” I called out. “They see you failing against me, Pertz. Their faith is dying as we speak.” Or at least, I certainly hoped it was. If I had to drag him back through a mess of pissed off soldiers, shit might get bad.

Pertz discovered my weakness right as I got to him again. In desperation, he threw a rock at me. The magic around it died as soon as it hit my armor, but it still impacted it and made a very audible noise. His surprise let me finally punch him in the face with the hand wearing the ring, which his magic didn’t block.

Unfortunately, that knocked him out of his stupor and he blinked away to the other side of the arena yet again. When he was situated, he teleported in a boulder and threw it at me. Dodging it would have been easy, but instead I drew my sword and cut it in half, breaking the magic over it and letting it fall on either side of me.

“You’re starting to seriously piss me off,” I said, stalking toward him. “Celestia wants you alive, but I’m getting tempted to settle for just giving her an apology.”

He grinned and summoned several spears. My shoulders sagged as all of them shot to me at once. I chopped the first one in half and dodged the spearhead coming at me, ducked under the second one, grabbed the third one out of the air and used it to bat the fourth one away, then spun to narrowly let the fifth one glance off my armor.

When the immediate threat was gone, I held the spear I was holding up and carved the head off with my sword, then spun around to start dealing with the ones that ended up behind me. I slapped the first away with my sword, grabbed the second and slammed it into the ground, then sliced the head off the third. Right as the one in the ground started pulling up, I sliced its head off as well.

I knew those spearheads could still very much fuck me up, so I started running at him before he decided to use those against me or summon anything else to throw at me. Instead of doing that, he slammed a hoof against the ground, sending a crack careening right at me. Of course, I jumped to one side before it got to me and kept running along it, hoping nothing bad came from it.

When it missed me, he grimaced, almost as though he had expected me to be stupid enough to just stand there and take it. I got almost close enough to hit him when he disappeared again. “Fucking shit!” Sure enough, he reappeared on the other side of the arena.

I growled, put my sword up, and pulled up my gun. He eyed it with some apprehension before deciding it wasn’t a threat and throwing another useless fireball at me. I aimed at his chest and emptied an entire magazine into the motherfucker.

The first five stopped against a magic shield with no effect. The sixth made him flinch, the seventh made his knees bend, the eighth made him lift a hoof to his head, the ninth shattered the shield and dropped all of nine of the bolts to the ground, and then the tenth impacted his left shoulder.

He yelled in pain and the red light around his eyes died out. The audience around us erupted in anger, so I swiftly reloaded. Flo, kill or kidnap?

“You already have him down. Cut off his horn, grab him, and run.”

“Everyone, to me!” I shouted, trying to scream above the crowd. My group of soldiers started pulling themselves over the side of the arena and then rushing to Pertz, which is where I was running. I got there first and immediately chopped his horn off, making him start howling. Since it might be useful later, I shoved the horn at Kat, who slipped it into a pouch. “Spike, hold him. Kat, Applejack, guard him. Sentinel, rear guard. Zecora, interdiction. Naga, we’re cutting a path out. Pop your potions!” The audience was already rushing us, at that point, so the naga drank his red potion and his eyes went unfocused, Spike drank his orange one and started glowing slightly, and Sentinel’s squad drank their green ones and seemed to blur.

“Rules of engagement?” Sentinel asked so fast I barely understood her.

“Kill all who attack,” I said, raising my gun up.

That was all we had time for before the battle began. I started picking targets off with my rifle, though its scope wasn’t really suited for up close engagements. As soon as the chamber pinged empty, I slung it and drew my sword, since shit was starting to get hairy.

Ames was laying into everything around him with his giant blade. Despite the fact that I focused on fighting, I quickly realized he was actually using his greatsword one handed and using half a zebra as a club in the other. He’d use his massive hunk of metal to chop three zebras in half in one swing and then smash a skull with the body in another. He cut such an imposing figure that the majority of berserk zebras coming from that way started trying to flow around him and come at us from another side.

Unfortunately for us, they were coming from all sides, so scaring them away from one avenue didn’t help all that much. Sentinel’s squad was moving so quickly between targets that I could barely see them, though. They set up a very clear line and any zebra that got over it had their face kicked in before they could get a single step further, then before the others around them could react, the batpony was already away and onto the next target. Soon, they started steering clear of that side as well.

Spike looked like he was so scared that he was about to piss himself, but he was holding onto Pertz regardless. And since he was the primary target for the zebras, every one of them that got past us rushed straight for him. But despite his fear and despite his distaste for it, he fucking toasted every bastard that tried getting to him. Normally his fire breath is green and extremely hot, but now it was orange and came out as actual lava. It coated the people he hit it with and completely fucked them up instead of just charring them.

Applejack, for her part, watched his back. Enough got past us that he couldn’t toast them all before they got to him, even if his head was on a swivel. But once the zebras got that close, they weren’t paying attention to anything except for Spike and Pertz. That made it easy for Applejack to use her sexy applebucking thighs to send her back hooves right into their skulls with the kind of accuracy that only a decade or two of practice can provide. She probably didn’t like the feeling of blood on her hooves, but she damn sure did her duty.

Kat saw that Spike and Applejack had Pertz covered and sidled up next to me, holding her rapier in one hand and a dagger in another. We fought side to side. Since the zebras were more interested in saving Pertz than they were fighting, our job wasn’t really all that hard. Several zebras did try to fight, but I sliced their legs off when they tried to kick, dodged when they tried to body slam, stabbed them in the chest when they tried to bite, and just generally made their life a living hell, assuming they had any life left at all when I was done. I couldn’t really see much of what Kat was doing, since she was in my blind spot, but I imagine it was pretty similar.

Zecora was fucking everywhere in that fight. Whenever Kat and I started getting overwhelmed with numbers, she’d appear and throw up a wall of stone to redirect them long enough for us to thin the numbers out again. Or she’d throw some kind of acidic potion at a crowd, cutting through them and making them shriek in pain as they melted. And when Sentinel’s group started losing ground, she threw another vine potion on the ground in front of their line that quickly grew and started snagging legs and stopping people from moving easily.

The naga didn’t lose any ground, so she didn’t have to help him. Most of her time was spent helping Spike and Applejack pick off anyone that got past us.

After what felt like thirty seconds but was probably closer to five minutes, the assault ended. The village wasn’t all that big, despite the influx Pertz probably brought, so they didn’t really have the numbers to attack us for long. Truth be told, they probably didn’t have the numbers to survive attacking for as long as they did. We probably left over two hundred bodies around us, both dead and too wounded to keep fighting, and the naga had to actually push us a path clear through them.

“Similar formation,” I said as we started moving. “With one difference. Zecora and Kat, you two are the most stealthy guys we have, at least in this camp. You two can blend. Go rescue the pony prisoners and try to get them to the ship. While you’re at it, bust everyone else out as a distraction. But you two getting out alive is more important than getting the pony prisoners out, so ditch them if you have to.”

“...Why are we saving them?” Kat asked.

“Because chaos in an enemy camp we’re running from is good,” I said. “And I bet the others will make a lot of fucking chaos. And you can get out stealthily with wounded prisoners more easily between the two of you than you can with all of us. Also, the naga would kill them in his enraged state.” She opened her mouth, so I continued, “And because I’m ordering you to.”

She closed her mouth and rolled her eyes, then nodded.

“We will meet you at the ship,” Zecora said. “But if we do not make it before you are forced to leave, wait for us five kilometers north of the shaman village. I will ensure that we have a way of making it that far quickly.”

“You’ll have three days,” I said. “I don’t like leaving people behind, but I don’t think we can afford to wait forever, not unless we kill everyone in this fucking camp.”

“Which should not be necessary,” Zecora said, though she turned back to stare at the group of dead zebras we left behind, many of which she probably knew once. “But I think it likely that you will have to fight your way out.”

“Then let’s get fighting. Naga, start moving faster. Sentinel, you guys are flankers. Applejack, watch Spike. I’ll get the rear.”

Zecora and Kat hurried off toward the prisoner cages, which weren’t too far from the arena, but were the opposite direction from the ship. And the zebras that fled were raising the alarm in the town, so we wouldn’t have time to free the prisoners and escape without fighting while guarding injured ponies, which wouldn’t be fun. The two of them would have a much better chance of getting out by themselves, even if it did leave us uncomfortably shorthanded for a running retreat.

Thankfully, the naga still had the sense to head directly for the ship instead of trying to go through the village, which was starting to burst into life. He also had the sense to drop the body he was using as a club. He was still holding his sword with only one hand, so I could only assume he was just waiting to get a new club.

The first attacker tried coming from above, but one of Sentinel’s troops was watching up there and called out the popobawa before he could get too close. I shot him out of the air and he thudded into the ground to our left. After that, I kept the rifle up instead of my sword. My sight lines were pretty decent at the moment, since we weren’t trying to go directly through the village.

The next challenge was a bit worse, though. Two elephants charged us from the village, followed by a rhino. Before I could lift my gun to start taking potshots, one of the guards called out more fliers.

I muttered some unpleasant words, then called out, “Naga, take the left elephant. Spike, the right. Sentinel, distract the rhino! I’ll get the flyers. Applejack, try not to die.” They hurried to do my bidding as I started sniping. This time, there were three of the bastards and they were coming in much faster.

When I knocked the first one out of the air, they shifted their attention from trying to save Pertz to trying to take me out. I injured one of the other two before they got on me, then I dropped my gun and drew my sword out with a slice attack that sliced the leg off the injured one.

The survivor darted out of my reach momentarily, then landed and came at me with his claws bared. I completely ignored those claws and just stabbed him through the chest. He choked up blood and uselessly batted his claws against my breastplate for a second before I pulled my sword up and cut him from his heart to the top of his head, then kicked him back.

His body thudded to the ground. That threat gone, I slammed my sword into the ground in front of me, then pulled my rifle up to lend fire support to the others. Ames had one elephant dead already. It was missing a leg and was partially decapitated. He was squaring off against the rhino while Spike tried burning a hole through the other elephant’s tough skin.

The naga looked like he had his business taken care of, so I started shooting Spike’s elephant. I knew my gun wouldn’t be able to completely penetrate its hide, but if I hit an eye, it would probably die. I emptied one magazine into it, but before I could reload, Spike finally got his aim right and hit the fucker right on the tip of the trunk with his lava. The elephant immediately started choking and slamming his trunk into the ground, trying to put it out so he could properly breathe again.

That gave Spike the time he needed to time his next shot right, and torched the fucker’s eyes. His normal flames would probably make an elephant blind forever and possibly kill it, if he got lucky or the blast was sustained enough. His enhanced flames burned straight through the eyes and toasted the elephant’s brains.

Applejack got a front row seat to that one, since she was standing behind Spike. She very messily got to see what she had for lunch when that one went down. Spike seemed like he was about to join her, but then looked over at the naga and rushed to join him.

By the time he got there, it didn’t matter. Ames waited until the rhino was charging him and then brought his sword straight down, slicing through the horn and cutting the rhino’s face in two. Before the momentum carried the rhino’s body through him, he slithered right out of the way. The rhino slid all the way to Spike’s feet before grinding to a halt.

We all stood there for a moment, just breathing (and retching, in Applejack’s case). Finally, I slung up my rifle and grabbed my sword. “Let’s move.” The naga started slithering again, Applejack shrugged off Spike’s attempt to comfort her and then both of them started following, Sentinel’s troops started darting around our flanks, and I brought up the rear.

We just left behind several hundred thousand dollars of ivory, I bet.

“It’s worthless if you can’t live to sell it, and stopping to try to cut it off and carry it would be detrimental to that cause,” Flo replied.

I’m just saying. That would be a nice retirement… if I wasn’t already loaded.

The next attack was a pack of hyenas, twenty strong. I wasn’t expecting those assholes to be as fast as they were. They came out of the town and were halfway to us before the warning was called. Spike finally dumped Pertz on Applejack and pushed her behind him, then bared his claws. The naga didn’t wait and just started sliding to them. I began taking potshots. Sentinel’s group surrounded Applejack.

I stopped five, though all of those probably survived. My gun is strong, but it doesn’t shoot through metal armor that well, bronze or not. Either way, injuring them too much to keep fighting at the moment was enough for us. Five split off to try to deal with the naga while the last ten went right for Spike.

He immediately burned three of those to death with his lava breath and used his claws to tear another two apart. The last five scattered around him and tried getting to the ponies. I took out one when it got close to me. Sentinel’s squad each crushed one. The last one managed to touch Pertz before Applejack spun around and crumpled his helmet in.

I didn’t give them time to breathe this time, since I knew the attacks would only get worse as the enemy had time to prepare. “Keep moving!” We all fell in and I pulled my gun back up to take potshots at more flying bastards trying to get to us. I don’t know where Pertz got so many creepy bat rapist things, but they were really annoying and left a trail of bodies anyone could follow, even if they lost sight of us.

The good news is that we were able to see the ship at that point. The bad news is that the ship was under siege and I had almost all of the heavy hitters with me. Thankfully, they had the good sense to pull up the gangplank shortly after we left, so the only things able to get up there were the popobawas and a few climbers. But they couldn’t get off the ship, because they were surrounded by hippos and crocodiles.

Those hippos and crocs noticed us as we started getting closer, too. And worse, another wave was coming out of the city. Two more very pissed off rhinos, one of which was being ridden by a gorilla with a spear, were charging right to us. I snapshotted the gorilla twice, making him tumble to the ground, then started shouting orders.

“Naga, Spike, front! Sentinel, distract left rhino! Applejack—”

“Don’t die?” she cut in.

“Cut the sass.” Everyone hurried to follow my orders. I was absolutely not looking forward to trying to kill two rhinos, but making myself the rear guard kinda made that my responsibility. The naga and Spike rushed forward to start picking off the crocs and hippos that began coming for us while I started running to the rhinos with my sword drawn.

Sentinel’s squad appeared right next to one of them and started harassing it. Extra speed may have given them better jumping skills, because one of them got on its head and started rapidly kicking at its eyes. The other two hounded its legs, not that it really felt that too much. Either way, he veered off while trying to get the one pony off his head.

The other turned to me when he saw me charging and I thought I saw what might have been a grin on its face. After all, it probably didn’t expect much from someone my size coming at it. Right at the last second, I dipped to the left and swung my sword right at its knee. My sword slammed into it and caught for a second before slicing through. I dipped a little too far, though, so instead of cutting his leg off, I just cut it so deeply that he buckled and tumbled to the ground. When I ran up to try to finish the job, he started thrashing around, so I backed off until he finally managed to get back on three of his legs. The fourth was limply flopping around and he had to be in a shitton of pain, but an animal that big probably has methods of dealing with even the most grievous of injuries.

So I went to his side before he could fully recover and sliced his spine in half. He didn’t have a way of dealing with that particularly grievous injury, and fell to the ground with a croak.

The other rhino managed to get the pony off his head and was playing what had to be the most frustrating version of whack-a-mole ever, one where the moles are adorable bat ponies that are kicking you wherever they can appear, then disappearing before you even realized you got hit.

They were doing such a good job distracting him that he didn’t notice I was stabbing him until one of his lungs was cut in half. I was trying for his heart, but I didn’t want to get too close and my sword wasn’t really long enough to get all the way there from outside his rib cage. Thankfully, my sword leaves the kind of cut that causes ridiculous pain, so his insides started freezing when I pulled it out. By the time I managed to cut his throat, I probably didn’t even have to.

Before I could check on the progress of the fight for the ship, a loud baying caught my attention. I looked to the village and saw a massive elephant with a full war carriage on its back. It was full of small monkeys, each of which had several small spears that looked like they were designed for throwing. It was almost within throwing range at that point.

“For the love of god,” I sighed, slinging blood off my sword.

I knew I had to close the distance to that bastard as quickly as possible, before the monkeys could fill me full of spears. But before I could start running toward it, a massive bolt pierced its chest and then exploded, taking out a large chunk of it and sending the monkeys all flying. They were running away to the village before what was left of the elephant even hit the ground.

When I turned to where the bolt came from, I saw Jak reload a ballista before picking up a hammer and slamming it down on a monkey trying to scale the side. He turned to yell something and Smiles started twisting the crank on the ballista, aiming it closer to the ship. When he stopped, Jak pulled the lever and shot clean through a hippo.

Since they seemed to have their shit handled, I finally looked down at the ground fight. Spike and the naga are good fighters, but hippos are giant, fast, ridiculously strong, and in this case, they had the numbers. Crocodiles are fast, have sharp teeth, a predator’s instincts, and even more numbers. So unfortunately, they were quickly getting overwhelmed.

Sentinel’s group shot off before I could order them to and started helping. I didn’t bother with my gun and just ran in with my sword to protect Applejack, who was surviving by running and trying to make hippos collide with each other. She couldn’t keep that up forever, so I started slashing the fuckers that were distracted by her cute butt.

I didn’t have to kill most of them, thankfully. The way Applejack was running (in abject terror), just slicing up one of their legs meant they couldn’t catch her, and that they were out of the fight. They were all so focused on getting Pertz that none of them really paid any attention to me.

Well, up until what I thought was Applejack’s mindless running brought her to the docks, that is. One of the crew members lowered the gangplank long enough for her to get up with Pertz, then immediately picked it up before anything could follow her, either friend or foe.

Most of what was following her were foes, but there was one friend in particular who would have really benefitted from a higher vantage point to shoot down from. Instead, I was stuck on the ground with a group of very angry and very strong animals. Since fighting in the middle of a group of enemies by myself was a good way to force my daughter to pick out a tasteful tombstone, I Scooby Doo’d my way to Ames and Spike, who were fighting back to back to try to stay above the tide of enemies.

My help was enough to finally make the enemies wary. We made a nice little triangle of fire, ice, and steel and anything foolhardy enough to get near paid for it very dearly. Between me helping Applejack, what the naga and Spike had done before I got to them, and what Jak was doing, it honestly felt like we could hold there indefinitely.

Unfortunately, we didn’t really have ‘indefinitely’. The village was still stirring, though I could barely see chaos unfolding inside it. Another group of zebras was making their way toward us, so I knew we didn’t have too much time before overwhelming numbers started picking us off.

My little group was about thirty meters from the ship, and those thirty meters were controlled by ten hippos and probably twenty crocs, spread out. There were more on our other sides, but whenever I took my eyes off my side long enough to really see what was going on, one of the crocs tried nipping at me and I got to add another tally to the number of souls haunting my ship. Because of that, I had no idea what Sentinel was doing.

With the arrival of Pertz on the ship, my crew finally got their shit together. I could hear Jak shouting orders from where I was and guards started loading all the ballistas on the side facing us. I couldn’t quite tell what they were loading, but I could make a pretty good guess.

I quietly said, “Spike, on the count of three, swap sides with me.”

He coughed a few times and then hoarsely replied, “Yes sir.”

“One.” We both tensed up. “Two.” The enemies closest to me got ready. “Three.” Spike and I seamlessly swapped sides. Two crocs immediately tried going for him and a hippo tried chomping on me. I stabbed my sword through the back of the thing’s throat, taking out its brain, and ripped my blade out before it could fall and slam its mouth shut.

Right after that, I heard several loud explosions on Spike’s side and felt a searing wave of heat hit me. While my ears were still ringing, the naga grabbed one of my arms and started dragging me toward the ship. Spike was clearing the way through the survivors with his breath and the naga was swiping at whatever was trying to charge us from behind when the second volley hit where we had been standing, fucking up another large group.

The survivors finally fell back, demoralized as fuck and not willing to risk getting burned, blown up, or stabbed. We got to the ship’s gangplank right as the group of zebras got to where the second explosion went off, shepherded in by familiar blurs. That’s when I realized Kat was on one of their backs and saw the cloaks on some of the ‘zebras’ billowing enough to reveal that they were just ponies.

So we got to the deck as they were getting to the dock, and the crew member in charge of the plank started pulling it back. I immediately rushed to him and slammed my foot on it, keeping it in place. The blurs stood guard at the front of the dock while the ponies dropped the cloaks and rushed up the plank. When everyone else was on board, Sentinel’s group joined us.

“Holy Christ almighty!” I shouted. “Gourd, air, now!” Another group from the village was starting to run for us, now. These guys seemed unnaturally fast and were closing the distance a lot faster than I was comfortable with.

But the airship started picking up out of the water, so I figured we might finally be home free.

“Is Pertz secure?” I asked aloud, not really knowing where anyone was. Neither him nor Applejack were on the deck, so I figured he was.

Watcher appeared next to me and said, “As far as we know, sir.”

“He could do some magic that we weren’t familiar with. Take my ring and—”

Something on the ship exploded. Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched the tail of our ride start going up in green flames. We stared aimlessly for a few seconds before the crew started rushing to put it out. Before they could, another fireball hit our balloon and we immediately started falling from the sky.

We weren’t too high up and we were directly above the river, but the impact was still bone jarring. At least half of us ended up on the deck and Gilda actually tumbled out of one of the masts, though she thankfully landed right next to Spike, who was able to miraculously snatch her out of the air.

As soon as we touched down, Gourd immediately started yelling orders and Watcher joined him. One crew member immediately went below to check for leaks, four of them continued trying to put out the fire, and the last two started rolling up what was left of the balloon so it wouldn’t be in the way. Two of the guard squads joined the fire brigade, one went downstairs, and Watcher and Sentinel stayed up top.

Zecora joined me at the rails, staring back at her sister with a new mask. They just stared at each other. I don’t know if they were magically dueling, having a staring contest, or just trying to telepathically ask each other where in life they went wrong. Either way, that wasn’t fixing anything, so I rushed over to Jak. “I need that bitch with the mask dead,” I said, rooting around in one of my pouches. Before I could find the potion I was looking for, Kat handed me hers.

“We’re low on incendiary, lass,” Jak said, holding up one of the explosive bolts.

“You don’t need it, if you can hit her,” I said. “Pour some of this over the bolt before you shoot.” I handed him the potion.

“I’ll do my best, but she’s a wee target a long way away.” If he couldn’t hit her, I’d have to try sniping her with my rifle. It was a pretty long shot, though. Long enough to be difficult.

But he apparently has experience, so he loaded a regular bolt and poured some of the white potion on it. The metal bolt head changed to glass. Jak looked at me and I shrugged, so he started calling instructions to Smiles.

A few seconds later, he pulled the lever and the bolt flew off. The witch doctor saw it coming and lifted a hoof to try making it stop, but it pierced whatever ward she put up and slammed right into her chest. The fires on the ship immediately died out and her mask fell off as she flew several meters back and then landed in a crumpled heap. After that, her body started burning green. The mask started floating and all the smoke from her body absorbed into it. When all that was left was the shattered bolt, the mask disappeared.

“So… now what?” Kat quietly asked.

“Pick your poison,” I said with a shrug. “Fight to the death, give in to despair, or let yourself starve. Your choice, really.”

Of course, my prediction didn’t quite prove true. Right as I finished saying that, some kind of roaring caught everyone’s attention. It took us a second to figure out where it was coming from, but we soon realized it was coming from the river. By the time one of the guards came back up to report a ridiculous leak in the hull, we saw the flood of water coming at us with all the fury mother nature could provide.

“Welp, guess nature picked for us,” I said. “It’s been fun working with you guys, but—” And then I realized they were all water elementals. “Oh.” They slid around and under the ship, then lifted us off the river’s floor. Before any of us could really comprehend what was happening, we started moving down the river faster than we flew up it.

Flo?

“We picked up our last sister and got here as quickly as we could. We should be out of Africa in a few days.”

“Gourd, Watcher, a moment, if you can,” I called out. They started making their way to me, so I turned to Kat and handed her my ring. “Find a way to get this on Pertz and make sure it stays on Pertz. Then talk to Zecora and see what she can do about keeping him asleep for a few days without killing him.”

“You got it, Nav.” She ran below right as the two leaders got to me.

“As you can see, shit went south,” I said. “I can explain later. The elementals got their sister out and are ferrying us down the river. Flo’s thinking it’ll be just a few days before we get to the ocean. She’ll probably be able to give a more accurate time table later, but if they keep this pace up, expect three or four days. Watcher, any injuries?”

“Nothing serious from the fighting,” he said. “We lucked out on that front. I know there were few broken bones from the landing. My medic and Fluttershy are already working on them. I’ll talk to Zecora when she gets a moment and see what she can do for them.”

“Good. And when you both get more than a moment, talk to her about personal stuff. We just killed the shit out of her sister and, like, more than half of her entire village. She might be a bit… you know.”

“Yes sir.”

“Gourd, what can you fix and how long will it take?”

He sighed and shook his head. “It’s bleak, sir. Without the tail, we can’t steer. And without the balloon, we can’t fly. I’ll talk to Rarity and see what she can do with it, but I wouldn’t expect to fly until we can get to a friendly port. And we have a large hull breach that let in a lot of water. My crew reported that the elementals are stopping more water from getting in and cleared out what was already in there, so we might be able to use the boat as a… well, actual boat until we can get to a port sophisticated enough to have what we need. But I’d honestly like it repaired before we head into open waters, elemental or not.”

“Alright, this time, can you answer my question? What can you fix and how long will it take?”

“We can try to fix the balloon. If we can, expect it to take at least four days, most of which will need to be spent near the coast so we can use magic. We can patch the hull if the elementals can keep it dry. It should take a few hours, but we’ll need to use magic on it as well, so that’ll be another coast job. We can’t fix the tail at all, so the elementals will have to help us steer until we can get to a port. Aerie if we’re flying, waters if we’re floating.”

“Shit fuck. Get Rarity out here as soon as possible to look at the balloon. Tell her fixing it is top priority and that she can use whatever she can find to make it happen. And find Twilight and ask if she knows any magic that can help. Tell them to put their heads together and get this shit fixed. I do not want to have to fucking sail to Europe and sit in a shitty coastal town for a few days.”

“Yes sir. Do you need anything else?”

“Not from you, Gourd. Keep me updated.” He nodded and ran off to dictate more orders. “Watcher, I want a full squad watching Pertz at all times. With us moving this quickly, I don’t think we’ll have too many more problems out here. Especially since we’re going out the same way and everyone knows what we’re capable of now.”

“Yes sir, and I agree. I already have one squad watching him now. What were you saying about his magic?”

“It’s nothing like anything I’ve ever seen before. Same for Zecora. But my ring worked against it, so I’m having Kat find a way to affix it to him now. I trust her to make it work.”

“Good. Now what about the ponies you brought back with you?” We both looked at the three royal guards and the random mare that were watching the movements around the ship with confusion in their eyes.

“That’s a very good question,” I said. “Let’s find out.” Together, we walked over to them. When they saw Watcher, the guards’ eyes lit up and they saluted.

“At ease,” he casually said. “I’m ex-guard, now. Who are you and why were you in that town?”

“We were prisoners, sir,” one of the guards replied. “The princess sent us with a trade ship. Our job was to deliver a letter to Pertz and demand a reply. He… didn’t like being ordered around.” One of the other guards scoffed. “We’ve… been there for a while.”

The mare was silent, so I looked at her. “What about you?”

“S-silver Quill, m-ma’am,” she squeaked, then went back to silence.

“...And why were you there?” Watcher asked after a few seconds.

She looked down and said, “I was the secretary on the trader ship…”

The guards nodded. “The trader didn’t take to… being in a cage. So Pertz gave him a jug of water, then broke two of his legs and told him to walk home. After that, the rest of us decided being in a cage wasn’t so bad, all things told.”

“Man, what a prick.” One of the guards snorted. “Alright, we’ll get you guys situated with some food and maybe some rooms later, once we get this mess cleaned up. But rooms are in short supply, so you might find yourselves double bunked. If you want to formally lodge a complaint, I’ll formally tell you to shove it up your ass. We’re heading back to Canterlot as soon as we get our shit fixed, so you guys should be home pretty soon.”

They all sagged in relief and the mare started crying, so I started walking away. Watcher joined me and we walked to the far side of the ship together. “Thoughts on them?” he asked.

“Probably telling the truth. It sounds like a Celestia thing to do, doesn’t it?”

“Yes sir. And provincial guards are tough, so we can put them on duty to replace the squad watching Pertz. No armor, but they’ll survive.”

“Give them a day to recuperate, then put them in the rotation. You’ll be in charge of the guards until we get rid of them. Pass the order on that none of them are allowed to see or talk to Pertz, just in case.”

“Of course. We didn’t risk all that just to have him killed on the way home. Or worse, have him freed.”

“...I can’t overstate how nice it is to work with someone that’s actually competent. Thank you for being you, Watcher.”

“Yes sir. Do you need anything else?”

“Not at the moment. Put two squads on duty and tell the rest to get some rest, food, and showers.”

“Happily. When we get some time, you’re going to tell me what exactly happened.”

“Of course. It certainly could have been handled better. I definitely made a terrible judgment call, even if it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. But whatever, live and learn and all that. Now, I’m going to go take a shower.” He lazily saluted and wandered off to talk to his soldiers.

Zecora found me before I could head below, though. “I want to thank you yet again, Navarone.”

“For fucking what?” I asked. “Getting us knocked out of the air? Fucking up our steering? Almost making us get stuck here?”

“For making me remember love, even if it was for just a moment. For bringing me home, even if it was a bittersweet return. And for helping me bring Pertz to justice, even if it came at such a cost.”

“...Zecora, we just killed a good two to three hundred members of your village. Are you really okay with that?”

She shook her head. “They stopped being mine a long time ago, Nav. Now, they are merely familiar faces with unfamiliar voices. And in many cases, unfamiliar faces with unfamiliar voices. We did the land of my birth a favor by removing a blight from its face and helping drain a good chunk of its pus. The survivors of the arena will know that Pertz is no god. They will spread the word, and news of his defeat will travel far and fast. We did a good deed today, and I do not regret it in the slightest.”

“And the sister thing?”

Her smile dampened slightly. “Her actions proved that she is no sister of mine. I gave her the chance to pick herself up. She chose the path of darkness yet again. You merely did what had to be done, though I suppose I do regret that it came to it. I am now the last member of my family. And in a way, I am perhaps the last true member of my tribe.”

“Nah, man. You’re a part of our tribe, Zecora. As long as this ship is flying and I’m leading it, you have a place here.”

Her smile picked back up and she actually hugged me. I was covered in blood, so I didn’t really feel right hugging her back, but I did it anyway. “It feels very nice to belong again,” she whispered in my ear. I didn’t reply, so she cut the hug off a few seconds later. “Thank you again, Navarone. Truly and deeply, thank you.”

“I’m happy to help, Zecora. I mean, I’d be a lot happier if I wasn’t singed, covered in blood, and forced to limp back to Equestria, but I’m still pretty happy, all things told.”

“Of course. And I shall happily be by your side until you no longer have need of me.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Those potions were really useful. We’ll have to keep more on hand. They didn’t have nearly as much of a negative effect on the naga as I thought.”

“He was fighting it,” she said. “His honor-bound mind didn’t allow it to take full effect, so I believe he was able to retain limited mental faculties. Though when it wore off, he instantly became so weary that he retired to bed immediately.”

I looked around and sure enough, he wasn’t there. Neither was Spike. “Did Spike’s also knock him out?”

“No. He carried Gilda down. I believe they’re vigorously… celebrating at the moment.”

“Ah. Well, I’m going to take a shower. If you ever do start feeling regret about that shit, come talk to me. I’m very much used to regret.”

She smirked. “It sounds as though you should be talking to me.”

“Nah. Letting stuff fester inside until it becomes a mental illness is easier. See you later.” She bowed her head slightly, which I took as a sign to go.

It felt good to finally be done with that business.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-One—Visitors

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-One—Visitors

I was actually so badly wounded that Flo didn’t even keep my consciousness up, so I slept like the dead. It was pretty nice, actually. Honestly, human minds aren’t made to be constantly going at full tilt, and it kinda wears on me.

When I woke up, I found myself in yet another hospital bed. After having been in a few, I’d come to recognize them from their general lack of comfort and the segmented backs to fit my wings.

Instead of a daughter as a guest, I had an adorable bat pony guard captain, who was sitting off to the side and looking over some paperwork. While she was wearing her normal armor, she had the surprising addition of a white flower behind one of her ears.

I tried to comment on it, but my throat was extremely dry and it just came out as a croak. That’s when a small twinge of pain hit me and I groaned. Blossom immediately dropped her paperwork and burst into smoke to appear by my side instantly. Before I could try moving, she put a steady hoof on my chest.

“Be calm,” she quietly said, her glowing eyes beating into mine. Just like that, I instantly calmed down and eased back, the pain leaving my mind. She pulled her hoof back and nodded. “My apologies at using my… abilities so freely,” she said. “A few things have changed and I feel… slightly more comfortable now. But you are still injured and you can’t move too freely yet.” She put the hoof back on my chest and stared down at me again. “Release.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then worked some moisture into my mouth so I could talk. When I opened my eyes again, she had backed away a few steps. “I don’t mind, Blossom... and thank you. I know I… I know I lost my wing. I can’t feel it now. I guess it can’t be… reattached?”

“It has been,” she said, looking under me. “There were… complications. It has been slightly over a day since it was severed and slightly less than twelve hours since it was reattached. But it was a wound caused by a demonic blade, so it will… take some time to heal.”

“What does that mean for me?” I asked. “I mean, will it heal?”

“In time, yes. But it will likely take at least a week to be moveable without a splint. Perhaps three to be flyable. And you’ll require daily doses of healing magic, likely administered by Celestia, for at least two weeks. It was a very unpleasant wound, Nav. You’re lucky to be alive. From what I understand, demonic energy of that potency usually leaves its victims dead or worse.”

“That’s pretty shitty. It’s the only thing I have that hurts, so I assume the rest has also been patched up. How about Celestia and that weird guy?”

“The princess is fine, though she is missing a few patches of fur. The inquisitor has already begun conducting investigations into the cause, both who was guilty and where he or she obtained the knowledge required to summon such monstrosities. He has his own jurisdiction, but I will likely be kept informed of the main points of his investigation as a courtesy.”

“Neat. So what kind of losses did we end up taking?”

“In terms of residents of the tower, only two dead. Seven are too brain damaged from corruption and being lost in music or asleep for too long to properly function. A few mares and a female griffin had internal injuries from… an unpleasant demon. All things told, for an infestation of demons, the tower got off lucky. We had three guards killed and two more injured by the fire demon after you collapsed. One has already succumbed to the unholy magic, though the other will probably pull through. After holding the large shield up for almost three days, Shining Armor was too weak to fully hold the demon in a bubble, and demons are too magic resistant to truly be put down for long by a standard guard unicorn. Thankfully, they were able to hold it off until the inquisitor could successfully unsummon it.”

“Jesus. I thought Shiny had it covered when I went down…”

“He did, but then it saw you getting away and started burning even more intensely. Apparently, it really wanted you dead, and tried to fight its way to you.”

“...Four dead, trying to save me.”

Her ears fell and she immediately stepped back up to me, this time putting a hoof on one of my hands. “Four dead doing their jobs, Nav. If that demon had killed you, it would have turned on them anyway. Their… our job is to protect everyone. If we have to put down our lives for it, we’ll happily do so. We would have done the same for anyone.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. It’s just… they didn’t do it for anyone. They did it for me. God, fuck that demon.” Fuck that fire elemental, more like. I sighed and took her hoof with my hand. “Thank you for being here, Blossom. Do you know when I can leave the hospital?”

“We’re actually in the medical wing of the palace. You’ll probably be allowed to leave tomorrow morning, as soon as Celestia examines you. I believe, from what the doctor said, that your wing is fine as long as you don’t attempt to move it quickly or strain it. It’ll likely ache, but they can give you either magic or medicine for that.”

“Good.” My eyes finally went to the flower. “So you know I gotta ask…”

She sighed as she let go of me to brush at the flower with a hoof. “A suggestion from Fleur. She advised that it would… assist in repairing my image, so to say. Speaking of which, I might… need your help with a matter, if you would be willing.”

“I’m always happy to help, Blossom. What do you need?”

She looked away and fell silent for a few seconds before looking back at me, somewhat sheepish. “Fleur is hosting a party in a few days. She has heavily advised that I attend, and I have already made plans to that effect.”

“Cool. Knowing Fleur, you’ll probably need a dress or something. Is that what you need help with?”

“No, that’s… already covered.”

“Ah. Need lessons in manners? I don’t act like it, but I can definitely turn on the charm if I care enough.” She shook her head, her ears shrinking down again. “Oh. Well, what do you need, then?”

“...A date.”

“Oh. That makes much more sense. Do you want me to go as your date or do you want me to help find you someone else?” When she looked away, I saw a strange tint of something on her face. “Holy shit, are you actually blushing? Can vampires even do that?”

And that got her to glare at me, though the tint was getting more noticeable. “I am not blushing and eternals can’t do that anyway. S-stupid…” She looked away and kicked at the ground for a moment before looking back. “Before this curse, I was fully dedicated to my work. I knew that to advance and to stand out, I had to cut out any kind of hope for a relationship. I still had… occasional romps, as a means of stress relief, but nothing serious. And after the curse, I knew I could never… never really love again. I couldn’t… can’t risk it.”

“That still hasn’t answered my question, Blossom. Do you want me to be your date or do you want me to help you find someone? We don’t have to go as a couple, you know. We can definitely go as friends. And hell, you don’t honestly even need a date.”

“I do, for this one. Fleur told me it was a requirement, and that it was okay if I didn’t want to go. I told her that I would think about it and get back to her, but that I would... consider attempting to find one. That was before the demons showed up in the tower and all of my attention got shifted to that.”

She fell silent for a few seconds and looked away. “...Blossom, do you want me to be your date to the dance?”

That weird tint came back over her face and her ears started twitching. “Well, that would certainly be the easiest option…” She went back into silence, ears still twitching.

“Blossom, will you be my date to the dance?”

“...Yes.”

“Alright, cool.” Silence took over for a few long, awkward seconds. “So I should probably tell you that I didn’t pack much clothing. I have nothing nice with me. I also have absolutely no bits on me, so I’ll have to head to the bank before I can do anything.”

She breathed a small sigh of relief before nodding. Her ears also finally went back up. “I will speak with Fleur. She will probably be able to help you make arrangements. She was actually quite anxious to be among the first to visit you while you were injured, but all non-guard visitors were being turned away until you woke up.”

“Huh. How did she even know I was hurt? I figured Celestia was trying to keep that shit under wraps.”

She actually smiled, showing off her fangs. “She failed. I imagine her original plan was to hide it and the fact that there were demons, but it’s kind of hard to hide a battle between the defender of harmony and the queen of demons, especially when it was right in front of half the guards in the city and at least half the researchers in the tower. It spread by word of mouth before the first newspapers could even start printing.” She awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “In… semi-related news, the entire city… and probably the entire nation… knows you’re female now. And um… a few other details.”

I stared at her for a few very long moments. “You’re going to have to explain that one,” I finally said.

“Well… we didn’t really have a medical tent set up and we didn’t have time to set one up after what happened to you. So when the two medics we had ordered you to be stripped so they could look for extra wounds, well… everyone nearby saw you. Naked. They also saw… um… Well, here’s the drawer of everything you had on you, aside from clothes.” She walked over to a cabinet and pulled out the drawer, then held it up so I could see the contents.

It had the standard stuff. Knives, my ring, my key, a buttplug, some loose coins, and the weird balancing baton thing.

When I got my fill of it, I pointed at one of the knives, “I need you to go ahead and use that to stab right through my throat.” She silently put the drawer back, so I pointed at my carotid. “Right across here is fine.”

She walked back over with a strange half-smile on her face. “I’m honestly curious, Nav. Why were you wearing that during a battle with demons?”

“Because I’m stupid and making deals with adorable unicorns is a bad idea.” She slowly lifted an eyebrow. “Alright, you know Twilight Sparkle?”

“To my detriment, yes. Shining Armor’s sister and Princess Celestia’s student.”

“Alright, so she’s been curious about some things. I’ve started teaching her the ins and outs of bondage and domination.” Both of her eyebrows went up, that time. “So as my dom-in-training, she asked that I acclimate myself to some of the more… tawdry activities. In exchange, I get to put a vibrator in her every so often and play with it all day. So far, I’ve spent most of my time regretting it.”

“Uh… huh. You live an… interesting life, Nav. So I take it you and Miss Sparkle are dating?”

“You take it wrong. She and I are friends that happen to find interesting and unique ways of handling the various stresses that come of traveling and fighting. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship I’ve shared with a few individuals.” But I wasn’t as opposed to the idea as I once was. Twilight changed quite a lot over the years. And so did I.

“Ah. Well, all the ponies now know you are a female. So take that how you will.”

“With extreme anger and disappointment, followed by the typical self-loathing that always rides in the back of my mind.”

She blinked a few times, then shrugged. “At least we share that.” The clock on the wall started making noises, which got us both to stare at it. “Ten. I need to return to work.” She looked back at me. “Are you well, Nav? Do you require a doctor? Are you in pain?”

“It twinges if I move, but it doesn’t really hurt all too much otherwise. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m well, but I don’t think a medical doctor can really cure hating yourself or wishing that you had just died at birth.”

Her ears twitched for a few seconds before she carefully put a hoof on one of my hands. “I’m your… friend, Nav. If you really feel that way, you know you can talk to me. Right?”

“I’m thankful for the offer, but being cursed with this female body doesn’t mean that I find emotional support more useful than practical solutions. I’d much rather have a way of making everyone forget what they just learned, but I also understand that such a thing is impossible. So instead I’ll settle for hating myself even more.”

“...Why not settle for what I can give you? Support from friends is extremely important, Nav. I only just recently started learning that again. I spent so long hating myself that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Now, the guards under me are noticing how I’m changing. I’m smiling, Nav. I’m nicer. I’m less about business and more about getting to really know my guards. You helped me learn how to care again. You helped me stop hating myself. Won’t you at least let me hear you out?”

God fucking dammit, I have got to get out of this cycle. I slowly forced myself to take her hoof back in my hand, which actually made her warmly smile. “When I was growing up, I was invisible. Small, young, white. Neglectful parents that didn’t care and almost no friends to notice me. That’s the way it was for several years. And in a way, that’s how I prefered it. Invisibility is safe. It means you avoid problems. And then I come here. Now I’m the center of everyone’s attention, almost all the time. I’m different. An anomaly. To the ponies, I reflect all of humanity. They see how I act and assume that’s just how all humans are. So I’m the center of attention and I represent an entire race of people and I’m fucking up and they’re catching me in all my worst moments and ignoring all the good shit I’ve done and it’s fucked up, Blossom! Luna destroyed me in every way she could and then ruined everything else with her stupid fucking dreams and these god damn wings on my back mean I can never be me again and I can never sleep right because they’re always in my way and it feels like everyone I meet wants to use me because they figure, fuck it, he’s different, he can get away with anything but no, being different means you get away with it legally but no one will ever forget. I can’t remember when I started wanting to die, but that want has never left me. The only reason I haven’t already killed myself is because I have a daughter that I never asked for and didn’t want and can’t take care of but she’s stuck with me now because if I leave her, she’ll probably be one step behind me. And Celestia’s watching everything I do all the time because she can and because no one could or would stop her and she always has little funny things to say about it all to let me know she’s watching, but thinks I don’t feel threatened by it because it’s supposed to make me feel like I have a safety net, but all it does is freak me out because she could do whatever she wanted to me at any time and no one could do anything, because she made Luna disappear and is still talking to her and knows exactly where she is after she admitted to doing horrible things to me. This world is fucked, Blossom. Almost no one is good and just about everyone likes watching me fail. I’m legally a national hero and still half the small towns I go to treat me like an animal or a monster and watch me suspiciously and try to fuck me over. Luna tried to hit me with love poison once to make me her love slave, Cadance tried to hit me with her bullshit spell more than once to make me a love slave, Celestia tried to wipe my mind to make me happy and she tried to hit me with love poison, Bloodbeak put a knife to my throat, Chrysalis scares the shit out of me because I know she’s evil but she’s trying to hide it from me so I don’t turn my back on her, the cat king’s a slaver asshole, the minotaurs want to keep me as a pet, and that covers all the so-called civilized races on the planet. When I first got here, I tried to be a decent person. I tried to forget my invisibility, because I knew it was gone forever. But then one thing happened and another thing happened and now every time I open my fucking mouth I’m on the front page of half a dozen newspapers and god knows how many stupid fucking magazines and now that they know I’m a chick they’re going to follow me even more closely because of course they are. And I’m tired, Blossom. I threaten one reporter and five more take his place. I talk to another for a few seconds and a dozen more leap forward. I ignore them and they just follow me. I get Fleur to talk to them and they’re off my back for maybe a day before something else happens and I open my mouth again and then the leeches are back. I’m starting to lose my patience. I’m tired of threatening them. I’m tired of dealing with them. I’m tired of being hounded and followed and annoyed and bothered and hunted and used. So there’s your fucking dose of hearing me out, Blossom. Shit’s fucked and it’s going to stay fucked and I’m tired of it but that’s the way life is because life is fucking suffering.”

Her warm smile didn’t last long. In fact, it was very quickly replaced by a look of concern, followed by one of anger, and ending with one of cold calculation. Several seconds after I finished talking, she placed her head on my chest and wrapped her cold wings around me. “You might think it means nothing or you might think it means everything, but you have friends, Nav. Despite everything, there are those that care for you. We’re the ones who matter, and reporters won’t turn us against you. I really doubt it makes you feel better and I understand. It’s a… less than desirable position in which to be.” She pulled away and put a hoof on my shoulder. “I joined the guard to prevent injustice. Your paparazzi leeches have gone unchecked for too long. That changes tonight. Damage cannot be undone, but more can be prevented. I will do everything in my power, both legally and illegally, to help keep reporters away from you.”

She started to pull away, but I grabbed her hoof. “Don’t risk yourself for me, Blossom. I can probably protect you from Celestia if she finds out your secret, but not if she finds out because you’re breaking the law.”

“I choose my fate, Nav. And if I choose to risk myself for a friend, I will. I’ve existed with this curse for so long, but I’ve never truly lived with it. You’ve helped me learn how to, so I’m going to help give you peace. Those reporters are breaking laws. I am going to punish them. If they continue breaking laws, they will be arrested. I will just give them one chance to learn their lessons.”

“...If you get into any trouble at all, tell Celestia to talk to me. I will make sure nothing happens.”

“It would be my due. I will take whatever punishment she gives.”

I pulled on her hoof, making her come closer. “No you fucking will not. You will tell her to come to me. I will speak to her. She will do nothing. Now nod your head and say yes, Nav.”

She actually smiled again, though it was a small one, then nodded and said, “Yes, Nav.”

I looked into her eyes for a few more seconds before letting her go. “Let your guards know I’m alright. I’m sure some of them will be happy.”

“They all will. Even the day guards, at this point. After finding out you led the demon queen away from Princess Celestia so it couldn’t harm her, then almost sacrificed yourself fighting it, most of them have forgotten their negative opinions of you. Especially since Shining Armor really seems to like you, even after making him look bad twice by saving his wife.”

“I wasn’t trying to make him look bad, I was just trying to keep Cadance safe.”

“Bringing Pertz to justice also helped. Especially when Celestia revealed that you saved a few guards that were imprisoned while you were at it, putting your own crew and life in danger. A few of the day guards are still upset at you or scared of you because of the war games, but their opinions mostly seem to have flipped overnight.”

“Neat, I guess. So when is the dance?”

“Three days. Fleur will likely come by in the morning to see if you’re up and accepting visitors. She can give you more information.”

“Cool. Thank you again for being here, Blossom.”

“Of course. The princess told me what tends to happen when you wake up in hospital beds alone, so I made sure it wouldn’t happen again. Three hours earlier, and it would have been Shining Armor.”

I smiled and said, “I’m glad it was you. You’re a lot cuter than he is.”

She rolled her eyes, of course. “I’ll try to come visit you again later tonight, if I have time. If not, I’ll be sure to see you tomorrow night.”

“Cool. I would offer to let you nibble on me before you go, but I probably just lost a lot of blood.”

“You did, and I ate before I came just in case you were in heat again. I might take a small snack before the dance, to sooth my nerves and to bring us more in sync, but it wouldn’t be much of one.”

“...Bring us more in sync?” I slowly asked.

“It is hard to explain,” she said with a shrug. “But essentially, I can exert some small control over your mind after dominating and feeding on you. I can’t make you do something you don’t want to do, but I can make it easier to keep you focused. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I shrugged. “Alright, I guess. I’ll see you later, Blossom.”

“Until then, Nav.” She walked over to where she left her papers and gathered them before walking out.

So what’s the damage? I finally asked, getting that question off my chest.

“It could have been a lot worse,” Flo said. “But that’s not saying it’s good. The blood loss wasn’t too bad, since I was able to staunch it almost immediately. But there’s something wrong with it. Despite what Celestia’s doing, it isn’t healing properly.”

“Huh. Is there something we can do about that?”

“I will inform her tomorrow. I don’t know what more she can really do, though. You’re lucky to still have a wing at all.”

“Well, if it doesn’t work, it’s not doing me any good. If magic can’t get it, do you think you can fix it up when you get back to me?”

“Likely. We are still two days away from the port Gourd has selected for our repairs, and until we arrive, my sisters will need my assistance. But as soon as we drop the ship off, I plan to return to your side. I am finally free and my sisters know my side in their debate, so there will be nothing that might stand in the way of me being near you.”

“Excellent. You make a much better bed than Celestia. Speaking of which, why am I awake? Isn’t it fall?”

“It is. I woke you up so you could speak with Blossom, since she seemed very tense about something. You are well enough that you could likely move, minus your wing. We’ll take Celestia’s judgment on that.”

“Works for me. In that case, you want to put me back to sleep?”

And just like that, I was back in her glade. “Happily,” she answered, seeping up my pants. “What you said to Blossom was good, by the way. Telling her was the right choice.”

“You mean the part where I told her she was cute?”

“You’re not too injured for me to start giving you random orgasms again. Telling friends your worries and your pains brings you closer to them. It lets them know that you trust them. I’m happy that you did it, especially with Blossom. She needs to know that you trust her, more than any of your other friends. And even more, she needs to know that you’ll support her no matter what.”

“Well, of course I will. She should have known that as soon as she told me her dark secret and I didn’t do anything about it. I will protect her from Celestia because it is the right thing to do. I might actually try to talk her into coming out to Celestia soon anyway, because Celestia is going to find out at some point and I’d rather it be when I’m there and can do something about it.”

“That would likely be wise. I’d also suggest having Fleur there as well, so she can explain her lack of fear.”

“I’m not really sure Fleur would be all too comfortable being around Celestia after what happened, but I’ll try to get her there. So what are your thoughts on this dance thing?”

“That it’s stupid. Just another social event set up by Fleur. I believe your efforts on her were likely wasted, sadly; it seems she immediately fell back into her habits. Go to support Blossom, but don’t expect much of substance.”

“You have so little faith in people,” I said, rubbing her wet body. “Maybe she fell into old habits… or maybe she has an ulterior motive. At this point, neither would honestly surprise me. I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow, because she’ll likely be among the first in line to see me. And what about Shiny? He said he needed to talk to me. Any thoughts?”

“No. Talk to him and see what he has to say. And thank him for saving your life, of course.”

“I’ll be sure to rub his belly extra softly,” I sarcastically replied. “Now, the last order of business. Would you mind going ahead and shutting my brain down now? That would be great.”

“How about no?” She started lowering me to the ground, then plopped a good chunk of her body onto my chest so she could stare down at me with a smile. “Reporters are reporters, Nav. Your reputation is unimportant. Ponies have been reporting garbage about you for so long that I really doubt many of them believe much of it these days. I’m sure plenty will believe that you’re female, but I doubt they’ll believe the other part. And if they do, so what? It’s your body and you have every right to enjoy it however you please.”

“...I want to enjoy my penis again.”

“Alright, so, it’s your body and you have every right to enjoy it however you please, within the realm of physical possibilities. Though you can certainly take advantage of it here in the dream world.”

“I know, but it’s just not the same. You wouldn’t understand, Flo. You can’t even enjoy sex.”

She sighed and lowered herself slightly. “I definitely understand your frustration, Nav. And I may not personally understand, but I do understand through you. There’s a physical vulgarity and barbarity to it that you enjoy. Something base and primal. Something that you find lacking from your current sex life.”

“Yeah. I don’t know, as a female, it feels like my job is to be pleasured. As a guy, it felt like it was my job to cause pleasure. It feels… different. And I don’t like it. I mean, it feels good and all, but it feels like there should be more, you know?”

“I do. And I understand. Perhaps this is a point you should raise with your partners. If you are going to do something, you might as well do it to the utmost and enjoy it as much as possible.”

“Hm. It’s something to consider, at least.” We both fell silent and she eased down onto me the rest of the way, engulfing me up to my neck. “Think we should go nightmare busting?” I asked after a few minutes.

“No. I think we should stay right here and bask in each other’s comforts.”

“‘Kay.” And so we did. It wasn’t too bad.

I woke up feeling… relaxed. For the first time in a long time. Despite supposedly feeling safe on the way out of Africa, I knew an attack could come at any time, so I never really found myself unwinding. Canterlot wasn’t home, per se, but it was a lot closer to it than I had been in a while. It allowed me to really let go, because I knew almost nothing could physically hurt me right in the seat of Celestia’s imperial power.

Except for Celestia herself, of course. And demons, apparently. And Luna. And hired thugs. And maybe I relaxed a little too soon, but it still felt good. I can’t live life constantly on edge.

It was still stupidly early in the morning, unsurprisingly. Despite that, someone had opened the window and drawn the blinds, so I could get some fresh air and see some things outside. Whoever picked my room had the nice idea of giving me a view of the mage’s tower. It was missing its pink bubble and appeared to have returned to some amount of normalcy. Or whatever passes for it, there.

The wind pushing in from outside was slightly nipply, so I kept the blankets up and just used one of the handle things on the side of the bed to jack myself up, so I was actually sitting something close to upright.

Shining Armor probably wasn’t expecting to walk in on me smiling and staring out the window. And he had probably never actually heard me humming before. The notepad in my hand that Flo was drawing on also likely surprised him, because she was perfectly recreating the scene outside using a pen that had been on the bedside.

“You seem well,” he said after a few seconds of shocked staring. He let himself in the rest of the way and pushed the door shut behind him with magic.

“I feel well, too,” I replied, turning my gaze to him instead of the window. Flo carefully ripped the top sheet out of the notepad and set it on the bedstand and started drawing something else. I didn’t pay it any mind, but Shiny was watching my hands. “It’s good to have some time off, even if it’s because I’m hurt.”

“How’s your wing?” he asked, walking up to stand next to the bed.

“Still aching,” I said, gently flapping the uninjured one. “I don’t think it’s healing right. I’ll ask Celestia to look at it more closely when she gets here.”

“That’s not good at all,” he said, his smile dipping slightly. “Demon weapons are usually poisoned, from what I understand. I’m sure she would have looked for that, but maybe she missed it.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing too bad,” I said with a shrug. “I mean, the thing was severed. I’m just happy it’s healable at all.”

“...Right.” He lifted one of his hooves up to my forehead. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“Fairly, yes. Am I flushed?” He pulled his hoof away, looking strangely concerned. “I suppose I am a little warm. These blankets are heavy.” I pushed them down, baring my chest since I wasn’t wearing anything. Of course, his eyes went right to my breasticals. I chuckled and said, “Now you’re the one who’s blushed, Shiny.”

His ears shot straight down and his eyes went right back to my face. “S-sorry, I—”

“You’re seeing a naked human female,” I said. “It’s understandable to be curious. I take no offense.”

“You… you just seem so… so calm. Almost… happy? It’s just… you’ve never really been… I don’t know, calm around me. You always seem wired, like you’re ready to hurt something or you’re just ready to move.”

“People change, Shiny. And I’ve certainly been trying to. I’ve lived too much of my life on the edge. I’m tired. Of moving, of fighting, of hurting, of running. Of… anger. It’s not a happy life. It’s not a good life. It’s stressful and painful and awful and it makes me want to die. My life is horrible, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find joy in it, you know? It’s a hard battle and I’m still fighting, but I like to think I’m starting to change.”

He was silent for a few seconds before actually smiling again. “I’m really happy to hear you say that, Nav. Cadance told me you were taking what happened fairly well. To be honest, I didn’t believe her. After this and Luna disappearing and your dragonessfriend leaving and… all the things that happened, I truly thought you would be in a bad place. I’m happy for you, Nav.”

Thanks for reminding me that everything is shitty. “You said earlier that you wanted to talk.”

“Yeah. I had another topic in mind when I said that, but a few things came up since then that are more pressing. Did Celestia tell you what you were getting into in Africa?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “She found out I was heading there and asked me to bring Pertz back to Equestria if at all possible.”

“Did she tell you anything about him?”

“That he was a trader and that he hasn’t responded to her messages. That was all she said.”

He pursed his lips for a few seconds. “She didn’t mention that he had contacts in Canterlot that also went rogue?”

“She did not. Would it have mattered?”

He stomped a hoof down. “He was in contact with Blueblood and the pony that sent thugs after you, Nav! She sent you after a monster that hated you without ever having met you!”

“...Oh. Yeah, he did mention something like that.”

He closed his mouth with an audible snap. “I see. And did she say what exactly she meant by the fact that he hadn’t responded to her messages?”

“Nah.”

“He took the ship she sent down the river captive. I assumed my soldiers were dead until she told me you rescued them.”

“I found three. I don’t know how many there were. They told me the trader on the ship was murdered. I also saved the secretary or whatever that chick was.”

“Thank you, Nav. That means a lot more than you know to me. Celestia did not tell you that Pertz was dangerous and willing to attack other ponies. She did not tell you that he hated you. I will absolutely remember that. What did she tell you about the demons?”

“Not much of jack fucking shit,” I said with a shrug. “I mean, when we saw them, she explained who was what and what some of their powers were. But she didn’t know who all was there until we started running into them. She also didn’t explain that her inquisitor guy seemed half demonic himself, not that it really mattered.”

He shook his head. “It does matter. I’ve expressed that point to her many times. Those who use evil to fight evil cannot be trusted and should not be given power, because it is only a matter of time before they start seeing things that are good as evil. There is evil magic in this world, Nav. Magic that requires pony sacrifices. I suspect that he has used it in the past. I think he is dangerous and should be brought to heel.”

“I said something similar and he didn’t seem that interested in hearing it. You ever get the feeling that… I don’t know, Celestia’s too old, or something? I mean, that many years has gotta warp your perspective. She’s had me do some very dark things, and has practically admitted to some pretty dark shit, too. And man, I found some old history books in my travels that paint a very different picture of this place.”

He used magic to pull the couch over and plopped down in it, smiling. “I’m very happy to hear you say that, Nav. Would you mind sharing some of what you know?”

“Bring me some water and we’ll talk.”

He chuckled and stood back up. “Just had to wait until I was comfortable, didn’t you?”

“Making you suffer is fun. Bring a pitcher, if you can. It helps me heal faster.”

“Of course. I’ll also see about getting some food.”

“Excellent. I’ll see you in a few minutes, Shiny.”

“Shouldn’t take me long at all.” He walked on out, leaving the door open. I could actually see a guard standing on the other side of it, though I didn’t think much of it.

When I couldn’t hear his hooves anymore, I looked down at what Flo had been drawing. It was a smiling portrait of Shining Armor. At first, that was all I really saw. Then I actually looked at it deeper and I realized how much depth Flo managed to put into it. Something about the set of his face and his posture just yelled ‘honor’ to me. The way his eyes looked and the shape of his smile seemed to scream earnesty. Just looking at it made me feel like I could trust him. It made me really think about how he was as a pony, in all my interactions with him.

And that made me smile.

That’s how Celestia walked in on me. As soon as I realized she was there, I carefully pulled that drawing out and placed it next to the other one. “I’m happy to see that you’re awake,” she said, smiling wide.

“I’m happy to be awake,” I replied. Flo started drawing again, but Celestia didn’t pay it any mind. “Did you have any issues with Ariel?”

“Some,” she said, brushing at a patch of furless skin. “Nothing I could not handle, knowing that he was the last. You should not have tried to fight Nestorats alone.”

“I know. I was planning on flying out of her reach. That didn’t go over so well.”

“I’m aware. How do you feel?”

“Hungry and thirsty. Flo says the wing isn’t healing properly. I figured you could look at it.”

“I most certainly can, but I’d like to talk about something first. Shining Armor has been asking questions about things to some ponies to whom he doesn’t usually converse. Some of the things about which he has asked are things I would rather stay… unknown. Not every pony needs to know everything. Should he decide to ask you anything, I’d like you to practice extra discretion, and to let me know whatever he asks about.”

“This, coming from the one that encourages making and keeping friends? That doesn’t seem the slightest bit hypocritical to you?”

Her eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly. “I like ponies being friends, Nav. I dislike ponies prying where they have no business. He is a prince, but not of Equestria. He and his wife have elected to keep their own counsel, refusing my attempts at guidance. They are free to do so, but in doing so, they should learn very quickly that they have no right to question my country. There are too many voices here right now asking too many questions I’d prefer to go unasked.”

“Celestia, I left my world in a very… tumultuous time. If I have learned anything from my own people and from what I’ve seen here, it’s that the truth will set you free. You have no need to fear questions if you wear the answers openly. From what I’ve seen, your cult of personality is based on lies and mistruths spun over six thousand years of ruling. And it’s starting to crack, piece by piece. Science is starting to spread, little by little. And I imagine one of the very first things scientists start figuring out is that the sun doesn’t move. When they realize that, all your power and experience will shoot straight down the drain as ponies realize that you lied to them about keeping the sun in place for thousands of years. You have the option of preempting that. These questions you’re hearing are your opportunity. Tell the truth. Tell all the truth. You have done absolutely horrible things. And through those horrible things, you have created the most stable country in the world, with a good economy, a good standing army, and peace. But the lies have to stop, because your ponies are starting to lose faith. They’re starting to doubt. They see corruption. Soon, the murmured questions will turn into day-to-day conversations. Then they’ll turn into open accusations. Then they’ll turn into swords and spears at your front gates. The time for a choice is coming very rapidly, Celestia. Will you find yourself on the right side of history as someone that continues to lead ponies down the right path, or as a broken relic that’s cast aside?”

Her look turned somber very quickly, of course. “Ponies and humans are not the same, Navarone.”

“No, they’re not. And neither are ponies and dragons, or ponies and griffons, or ponies and cats. But every sapient race I’ve found prefers the truth over lies, Celestia. And they all hate it when they feel used. You’re lying to them and using their ignorance to stay in power. If they don’t discover it tomorrow, they’ll discover it eventually. A year. Ten. A hundred. They’ll find out, Celestia. And if it’s not from your own mouth, admitted freely, it’ll turn everything on its head. You’ll have loyalists and you’ll have rebels. And even when you put down the rebels, those that stayed loyal will always remember what you had to do to make it happen, and what they were fighting for in the first place.”

“It will not happen. I did not come here for a lecture, Navarone.”

“No, but you’re getting one anyway. Let’s talk about Discord for a second, shall we?” Her eyes narrowed even more. “Lying creates discord in relationships, Celestia. It fuels anger and hate. It keeps things like that monster powerful. He’s already returned now. Looking at his past actions, what do you think his endgame is? He killed off humanity entirely. He killed all but a handful of elementals. And then race after race rose into power after them and were erased so fully that there aren’t even memories of them now. He killed all but two alicorns, creating a race of changeling monsters in the process. That thing uses stresses and weaknesses in societies that are already present to fracture them beyond repair. From what I’ve seen, he pulls at strings and twists at minds. He preys on things like lies, because they fuel him and make him stronger. And he’s free. Right now. All revolutions start as quiet questions, Celestia. Whispered by the disenfranchised in back rooms. Then they progress. Some revolutions end in victory for the loyalists. Some end in victory for those revolting. All of them end in victory for Discord. Especially when both sides grind themselves down so much that it’s easy for him to waltz in and finish off the rest.”

She was silent for several long seconds. “I am not being used.”

“Bloodbeak thought the same thing. When a puppet is having its strings pulled by a grand master puppeteer, it looks to all that it’s moving of its own accord. Even to the puppet. Look at how events have played out in the past, Celestia. Think about how Discord might have been freed. Just what exactly made his seal so weak? You may think you aren’t being used, but remember who put you in power in the first place. And remember that despite his appearances, he has a plan. He told you to take over for a reason, Celestia. He let you win for a reason. Are you playing your game… or are you playing his?”

She stared at me for what felt like a very long time. Finally, the silence was broken by the door opening. Shining Armor walked in, levitating a large pitcher of water and a tray with a glass and some basic food that he figured I could probably eat.

We both stared at him, and he seemed almost surprised to see Celestia there. But say what you will about him, he’s a pretty well-trained officer, so he got over the surprise and smiled. “Good morning, Princess. I’m surprised to see you visiting Nav so early.”

“I could say the same, Prince. I have come to examine his wing. I thought it prudent to do so earlier rather than later. Given that he is complaining about it, I believe I made the right choice.” She turned back to me. “I am going to ease you over, Nav. Are you ready to be moved?”

Flo set the pen and the pad on the table next to me and I nodded. “Go for it.”

While Celestia carefully flipped me over, Shiny moved to the couch and set the tray and pitcher down on the table, picking up the stuff I was drawing with magic so it wasn’t in the way. Thankfully, Celestia was extremely careful, and made sure to hold my wing steady with magic. She also did me the kindness of lowering the bed back down, so she didn’t break my spine.

When I was fully on my stomach, she lowered the blanket down to my hips and walked over to stand next to me. “How’s it look?” I asked.

“Scarred. I am going to do something… interesting. Some demonic weapons have latent abilities, and you were not wearing your ring when you were hit. I am going to do an acceleration spell on it, something that will cause any magical effects to shoot forward.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Shiny asked. “If it’s necrotic, the entire wing may rot!”

“I’m gonna go with Shiny on this one,” I quickly said. “Flo told me she can probably fix whatever it is if you can’t. I’d rather have a wing left for her to fix.”

“I do not believe your wing would fully decay,” she said. “But it is your wing, and if that is your choice, so be it. I will just pour more healing into it and hope for the best.”

She carefully pressed her horn against the area that was sliced and I felt a warm glow suffusing the wing. I sighed and let my body relax even more, enjoying the feeling. But of course, it didn’t last too long, since there’s only so much one can do.

“Hopefully that will fix the issue,” Celestia said, pulling away. “I believe it will likely still ache for a few days, and it’ll need to be bound in a cast or a splint before you leave. But you should be able to leave as soon as that’s done.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “Can you flip me back over?”

“Of course.” Her horn lit back up and she did just that. “I do so enjoy seeing you on your back…”

“You’ll have plenty of chances for that later, when there are fewer visitors present,” I said. Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Do you know when a doctor will be here to splint me?”

“It will likely be an hour. There are other wounded that require attention, so my personal staff has been pushed. You are a fairly low priority case, compared to the others.”

“I’m in no hurry,” I said with a casual shrug. “I have company and I’m sure others are aching to visit, and it’s not like I have any plans anyway.”

She smiled. “I’m happy to see you so relaxed, Nav. Unfortunately, I have a kingdom to return to. I promise to think on what you said. It… perhaps has some merit.”

“I’m happy to hear that. I’ll look for you when I get out.”

She nodded. “Until then.” She looked over to Shiny. “The trial will be tomorrow, if you are fully recovered.”

“I am, Princess.”

“Then I will send for you when it is time. If you are interested, the documents can be sent to you.”

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She nodded and then teleported out.

“What trial?” I immediately asked.

“For Pertz. She asked me to come here a few days after you left, since I had expressed many times when I was still the captain that I wanted him to face justice. I’ll be making sure he stays harmless through the trial. Now, shall we continue our discussion?” He used magic to push the door shut.

“Pass me that drawer,” I said, pointing to the one that had all my shit. He did so without a word and without looking at the contents. Not that it mattered, since he probably already knew all the sordid details. I popped the ring out and slid it over my finger, then nodded. “There’s a chance she’s watching you, too.”

“There is nothing she can do to me. Or to you, for that matter. We are not discussing anything illegal.”

“We don’t have to be, Shiny. She’s had me do some stuff that’s pretty illegal in the past. And she’s done plenty of other stuff.”

“Let’s start with the past and work our way forward. You said you found some old history books. What can you tell me about those?”

I want to say that I started something great that day, but that feels… cliche. And I’ve watched too many movements start strong and fizzle out. But as I spoke, I watched Shining Armor’s countenance slowly darken and fall, and I knew that there would be a reckoning, one way or another. I had a very strong feeling that if Celestia didn’t straighten herself out, Shining Armor would eventually turn into the revolutionary out of her nightmares.

After I finished, we sat in silence for about a minute. Finally, he said, “You confessed to a murder.”

“I did.”

“And a few assaults.”

“I did.”

“And a genocide.”

“...I did.”

He fell silent again, his eyes slowly scanning around the room. They came to a stop on the things I drew and he slowly floated them over. One was his picture, bright and honorable. One was an outsider’s perspective of Equestria, peaceful and happy. One was Celestia, who had been posed as calculating and dark.

He looked over them for some time before looking back at me. “You are a good person, Navarone. A good person caught in a bad situation. I am happy to find that you’re trying to better yourself, in any way you can.” He fell silent again, still looking at the pictures. He eventually looked back to me. “When you’re done with your adventure, come live in the Crystal Empire. My wife and I need somepony like you.”

“And Equestria doesn’t?”

He looked back at the middle picture, the one of the view outside my room. “I think it was too late for Equestria a long time ago. I just never want it to be too late for my new home.”

“Never give up on trying to make the world a better place, Shiny. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. And I don’t think it’s too late for Celestia, either. Don’t turn your back on your people. Be a shining beacon for them to look up to. Be incorruptible. Prove to Celestia and the ponies of Equestria that you don’t have to be secretly evil to run a country. Be open and honest. You and Cadance can change Equestria, I guarantee it. And I believe that between the three of us, we can change Celestia for the better.”

He flew the drawings back to the table beside me, next to the empty food tray. “We live in interesting times, Nav.”

“Interesting times make for the best stories. Are you going to be the hero, or are you going to be the onlooker? The writer, or the storyteller? The world needs a change. You are a person in a position to help change it.”

“I am. And I am going to. I will spread the information you gave me, Nav. And when I go back north, I’ll stop by Gryphus and talk to the king about the books you gave him. He is wise, and will likely have an interesting perspective on them. I’ll also try to get a copy.”

“Good. And as much as you might find the idea distasteful, talk to Fleur de Lis, the wife of Fancy Pants.” He slowly lifted an eyebrow. “Trust me. She’s working on a revolution of a different sort, but might be able to point you in the right direction. Just tell her I sent you, if necessary.”

“I mean… I trust you, but… Fleur?”

I was saved from having to explain by a knock on the door. He sighed and shook his head, then used magic to open it. The mare herself waltzed through, an extremely concerned look on her face. She ignored Shiny completely and literally leapt across the room toward my bed. “Are you alright?!”

“Very much so,” I quickly said, holding a hand up. She took it without a second thought, pulling it close.

“As soon as I heard what happened, I tried visiting, but I was turned away…”

“The doctors were extremely busy keeping me and several others alive. I just woke up last night, but I faded back out pretty quickly. Celestia stopped by earlier and told me that I was free to go as soon as the doctors came back by and gave me a splint.”

She sighed and seemed to relax slightly before moving closer and pressing my hand against her cheek. “After what happened, many of us were worried that the great hero would be no more. What little is known of demons is bad, and I heard you took the brunt of the wounds while fighting them.”

“Such is my place,” I said, shrugging. “I am a warrior, not a mage or a civilian. I place myself in harm’s way so others don’t have to.”

“And all the citizens of Canterlot are in your debt,” she said, gently pressing my hand back on my stomach. Flo reached back over and grabbed the notepad and the pen again, which Fleur ignored. “I discovered some libel being printed shortly after your sacrifice and have already put a stop to it.”

“It’s not libel if it’s true,” I said. “And unfortunately, it most definitely is.”

Her ears twitched slightly, then she shrugged. “I discovered some secrets of yours that I knew you would most definitely rather keep private being printed shortly after your sacrifice and have already put a stop to it.”

“Thank you, Fleur. I’m very tired of my private life being aired publicly. The ways in which I choose to use and enjoy my body are of no concern to others, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone else.”

Shiny finally spoke up. “I haven’t seen any newspapers in a while. What happened?”

“Oh, it was simply awful,” Fleur sighed, shaking her head. “They all printed that after Navarone sacrificed herself so that Celestia and the onlookers would be safe, it was discovered that she was female and into the most base and tawdry acts imaginable.”

He was silent for a few seconds before looking at me. “I mean, well, you know…”

“No one asked you,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Just because it’s true doesn’t mean I want it spread. I enjoy sex. Who doesn’t? That doesn’t mean I want everyone thinking they know exactly what I’m into. Or worse, thinking the fact that they know what I like means they’re entitled to do it with me. Anyway, that’s been taken care of. What’s been done can’t be undone, but more damage has been prevented.”

“Indeed it has,” Fleur said with a nod. “And I’m happy to help. Do you happen to know how long you’ll be in Equestria?”

“Several days,” I said. “Maybe up to two weeks. My ship is across the sea for repairs after a bad battle. Celestia needed my help against the demons, so she brought me here.”

“...Another battle?” she quietly asked.

“A bad one, at that. I brought Pertz to justice.” At the mention of his name, her ears shot straight up and her tail seemed to shrivel. “He did not come willingly.”

“He wouldn’t have,” she coldly replied. “When is his trial? I would very much like to attend.”

“Tomorrow,” Shining Armor said. “Likely early. We’re expecting trouble, so I’d recommend avoiding it.”

“I will be there,” she said with a nod. “I want to see his face when he gets sentenced.”

“Well, you’ll see us both as well,” Shiny said with a shrug. “I’m going as a guard. Nav will likely be asked to testify, or might end up as a guard as well.”

“Then there is no need for me to be concerned,” she said, laying a hoof on one of my legs. “I know I’ll be safe with the sword and shield of Equestria present.”

“After all the trouble I went through to haul that motherfucker back alive, he better not get his ass killed on the home stretch,” I said. “My crew and I killed upwards of three hundred people to bring him back.” Fleur stiffened and Shiny blinked. I shrugged and added, “I’m sure Celestia and Shining Armor can keep him on lockdown, though.”

“I certainly plan on it,” Shiny said, recovering from his shock quickly. “That monster deserves a life in prison.”

“How… how long did you have to… recover from that?” Fleur asked. “Before fighting the demons, I mean.”

“I don’t know, three days? Maybe four. There were time zone shifts involved. The dude had some pretty strong soldiers, too. Rhinos, elephants, hippos, crocodiles. A small pack of hyenas. Tons of zebras. A few gorillas. Several rapist bat things called popobawas. It was definitely a fight.”

“And you killed… three hundred…”

“Or so. As a guesstimate.”

She was silent for several long seconds before quietly saying, “You are a great warrior, Nav.”

“Nah. I’m getting there, but for the moment, I just have a really good crew.”

“Your good crew didn’t fight Nestorats,” Shiny said. “You fought her and held your own. In fact, you even beat her. She injured you, but you killed her at least twice. You have most definitely become a good fighter.”

“Maybe. It’s certainly a shame I had to prove it to Pertz, anyway. I really did try doing it the easy way.”

“That will be taken into consideration at his trial,” Shining Armor said with a nod. “He has much to answer for. I suspect he will either be placed in Tartarus or given to the changelings.” He finally slid off the couch and took a second to stretch. “I need to go speak to some ponies before I begin preparing my own evidence for the trial. I would like to speak to you again before I leave, Nav.”

“I shouldn’t be hard to find,” I said. “But before you go, Fleur, Shiny wants to know if you know any ponies that might be useful for an investigation of his.”

“I didn’t know you were still working as a guard here,” Fleur said, smiling at him.

“It’s a personal investigation,” he said. “One to whom I would prefer discussing only with those I can trust.”

“And you can trust her,” I quickly said. “I certainly do.”

She looked back at me, her smile deepening. “I’m happy to hear that, Nav! What manner of investigation is it?”

“One of corruption,” Shiny finally said. “Princess Celestia has done many questionable things in the past, both recently and distantly. I need to speak to those who would have knowledge of such things.”

“Oh, most of those ponies have tragic accidents,” she said, casually waving a hoof. “Dying in strange fires, falling to freak storms, running into trouble in back alleys… things of that nature. I do know a few that have managed to survive, and I also know a few that have truly ancient libraries that haven’t seen visitors in hundreds of years. I’ll need to ask around, see who is still alive, in town, and willing to talk. Most find staying silent a much safer proposition.”

“...Thanks for the support,” Shiny quietly said. “If you feel that your life is in danger for helping me, you will have a place in my new kingdom.”

“Oh, I know plenty of my own secrets,” she said with a small smile. “I feel no danger where I am. And there is still a battle to be won here, so this is where I shall stay. Navarone shall surely keep me safe.”

“I’ll certainly do my best. If you have a tragic accident, Celestia’s going to have a very difficult time remembering how to breathe when I’m through with her.”

“I’m ever so happy to hear that,” she said, placing a hoof back on one of my arms. “I’ll speak with you later, Prince Shining Armor. I should have a decent list of ponies with whom you can have a discussion.”

“Again, thank you. And goodbye for now, Nav.”

“See you when I see you, Shiny.” He nodded and strolled out, leaving the drawings back on the bedstand.

Fleur took his place on the couch with a delightful sigh, then listened for a moment to hear his hoof falls. When he was far enough away, she grinned. “He is such a sexy hunk of a stallion. I tried to seduce him so many times… and only once tried getting him to one of Fancy’s little private parties. He declined every invitation.”

“Yeah, I would ride his ass until he screamed my name and painted the bed,” I said, making her blush. “Assuming he wasn’t married, of course.”

“That’s a worry you likely won’t have much longer with me,” she said. “Which brings me to the second point of my visit. I spoke to Captain Midnight this morning, before she retired to bed. She told me you accepted her invitation.”

“Not quite,” I said. “She made me ask her to the dance as my date. It was honestly super adorable. She was blushing and everything.”

“...Can one such as her even do that?”

“Man, I don’t know. Like I said, it was adorable. But yeah, I’m planning on going. I don’t have a suit or anything like that, though. I’ll need to stop by the bank before I can get bits to pay for one, too.”

“I have a request, one that I know you will not like and one that you do not have to accept.” She fell silent, as if waiting for permission to continue.

“Okay.”

“This event is going to be a special one for me and my husband. It is essentially his coming out party, so to say. He and many of his companions are going to expose themselves. I spoke to a few mares that have more feminine tastes and some of them also agreed to do the same. So I would like for you to wear a dress, to show off your femininity, while dating Captain Midnight, who will also be wearing one. Consider it a way of showing support to those who are about to risk so much.”

“You are asking a lot,” I quietly said.

“I am aware. I will help you obtain either a dress or a suit before the party, and I will not be upset at either answer you choose. You being there will be plenty of support. I would just like it known that you are not afraid of the taboo of same-sex relationships among those with much power. The issue matters less to one such as you anyway, given your lack of ability to have foals, but it is still something many of the richer ponies keep in the back of their minds. But it would mean a lot to Fancy and I both if you were to agree to wear a dress.”

“Well…” I didn’t really want to, but as I thought about it, all the reasons I wanted to avoid it seemed to evaporate. Everyone knew I was a chick at that point, so I didn’t have any reason to hide. I had plenty of practice walking in heels and a dress, so that wasn’t an issue. I was going to have a very scary date, so I didn’t need to worry about stallions making too many advances on me. The only thing I had against it was not really wanting to, but I also didn’t want to wear a suit, so that seemed like a moot point regardless. So I shrugged and said, “Alright. I’ll wear a dress.”

She actually squeed and clopped her hooves together, smiling very widely. “Perfect! As soon as the doctors let you go, we’ll go straight to a place to get you measured. I know you can’t have brought much other clothing via teleportation, so I’ll be sure to have a full wardrobe made!”

“As long as I have some input as to what’s actually in that wardrobe, we’ll talk. I may have a vagina and the world may know about said vagina, but that doesn’t mean I want nothing but pink and lace and bows.”

“I’m fully aware of that, silly. You’re a warrior, Nav, and shall be dressed in a manner indicative of such. For the wardrobe, at least. I already have so many plans for your dress for the dance!”

Oh boy. “Whatever. So how hard was it to get Fancy to agree to come out?”

“Not very, surprisingly. It’s something he’s been considering for a while. There’s nothing wrong with it, so to say. It’s just extremely taboo for a member of a rich and high ranking family to have no foals, and admitting homosexuality means you have no plans to continue your bloodline. We’ve already planned a divorce, though we’ve yet to discuss it with an official. I shan’t be tied to marriage much longer!”

“Cool. Any plans to get remarried?”

“Not at the moment. Marriage is a dreadfully dull affair. I may perhaps look for a partner in the future, for somepony I can fall in love with. But for the moment, I’m happy to learn to be myself. Fancy has agreed to shore up my funding where I fall short, so I needn’t worry about giving up my efforts to change Canterlot.”

“Good. You already have a place to stay?”

“Indeed! A smaller home on one of the back roads. It actually happens to be fairly close to Captain Midnight. A happy coincidence!”

I’m sure. “Hard to hold large parties in a small home.”

“But much easier to hold small parties outside of the limelight, so to say. For a time, that is my plan. This coming dance will very likely be my last lavish ball for a while. I’m quite happy about that; planning them is ever so tiresome. It’s also a lot more expensive, and while I know Fancy would be happy to assist me in affording them, I’d rather lean on him as little as possible.”

“Wise. Do you know what he’s going to do?”

“Likely something similar. Play the field, strike where he can, and continue finding young stallions to sate his desires.”

“...How young?”

“Oh, around your age. He hasn’t told me much, but I know his target demographic. He enjoys their relative innocence and making them squirm under him, I believe. Of course, he doesn’t do anything they don’t agree to, but… Well, it’s impolite to gossip about one’s own spouse. Needless to say, there’s a very large chance he would have been all too happy to invite you to one of his personal parties, if you had shown even the slightest hint that you might be interested.”

“Huh.” I shifted slightly on the bed and tried to think of a response that wasn’t full of abject horror. After a few seconds, I gave up. “That’s creepy as hell.”

“I can see why you might consider it so. That said, I’d advise learning to deal with stallions and their desires. There is a chance some will approach you at the dance, and there’s a better chance they’ll approach you outside of it as well.”

“During the dance, I’ll have the scariest date there. I’ll threaten them with an adorable bat pony guard captain. Outside the dance… well, I usually have a hidden group of off-duty bat ponies guarding me. I might request that they go slightly less hidden. I’ll talk to Blossom about it and see what she thinks.”

One of her eyes twitched ever so slightly. “Should you really… call her that? It seems… unfitting, for a mare of her nature and status.”

“Yes, I should really call her that, unless we’re doing something official. I see it as a sign of respect. She is a mare with a different nature and she is a mare with a status as a highly feared guard. But despite those, she is still my friend. I can see past the fear and her nature and still see her as Blossom. She is a person, not her status or her curse.” She actually smiled, so I made sure to ruin it with, “And she’s too fucking cute not to call Blossom.”

She was still smiling, unfortunately. “You are a good friend, Nav. And a good person. Thank you, truly and fully, for giving me the chance to really get to know you. I am starting to be happy again. My smiles feel less fake every day. My life is changing, and Canterlot is changing with it. Soon, things will truly begin moving once again.”

God dammit, I think I’m actually starting to like Fleur. What the fuck happened? “Cool beans.” I have no idea why that made her burst into giggles.

The entrance of a doctor with three nurses saved me from having to deal with more small talk, thankfully. “Ah, you’re still awake,” the guy said, smiling. “The princess told us that you are allowed to leave, as soon as your wing gets splinted. Are you ready for us to begin?”

“By all means,” I said, quickly removing the ring. It and the drawing pad went back to the table next to me. I vaguely noticed the sketches being floated away, but the doctor’s horn was also lighting up and I started to shift.

“It shouldn’t take too long, but you’ll need to be on your stomach. If you begin feeling any discomfort, let us know immediately,” he said. “And Miss Fleur, would you please move away from the bed? We might need the extra space.”

“Oh, of course! My apologies.” She hopped out of the couch and pushed it away with magic, then slid back onto it and started perusing the drawings.

When I was fully on my stomach, thankfully with no pain, one of the nurses very slowly pulled my bad wing down with magic. “We’re ready to begin, doctor,” she said.

“I will pour healing magic into it, Navarone,” the doctor said, walking over to where I could see him. “That will prevent any possible separation, though it might not prevent pain. The nurses will comb over for any possible problems and then splint and cast it. Are you ready to begin?”

“Go for it. I’m used to pain.”

“Used to it or not, let us know if we’re causing it,” one of the nurses said. “If any of it hurts, that might be a potential trouble spot. And if the location of separation still hurts, that’s a sign that it isn’t healing as quickly as it should.”

“Nurses, please begin,” the doctor said, lowering his horn to my forehead.

Two sets of hooves started very carefully probing my wing. Normally, it would have felt good. But the entire thing seemed fairly numb. I could still feel them running over it, but I didn’t feel any pain or pleasure from it. After about five minutes of feeling me up, they stopped. “We didn’t feel any issues,” one of the nurses said. “Navarone, how do you feel?”

“Fine. None of it hurt.”

“Then proceed with splinting it,” the doctor said, his voice sounding slightly strained.

The nurse holding my wing with magic slowly straightened it fully out, so I could barely feel a bit of pain. “That one hurt,” I said before they could do anything else.

She eased up slightly and asked, “Now?”

“None. Doesn’t hurt anymore.” She nodded and one of the others pressed a chunk of wood with a cushion on one side over the top of the wing. It didn’t hurt, so she held it in place while the other wrapped one layer of gauze of it. When it was in place, another splint was put in place under the wing, then both were wrapped in three more layers of gauze.

“Do you believe you’ll need a cast, Navarone?” the doctor asked.

“What are the benefits of it?”

“With just a splint and gauze, it can possibly slip and allow the wing to take damage or heal improperly. But it also allows much more freedom, it’s much more comfortable, and as long as you don’t move too much or too quickly, it’s easier. A cast is a lot less comfortable, itchy, and hot, but it’s a lot safer and you’ll be more likely to heal properly. It’s recommended for patients who are active.”

“Definitely the cast, then. Canterlot is a mixed bag for me. Either I do nothing the entire time I’m here or I end up having to fight people.”

He pulled his horn away and took a few deep breaths before nodding. “Then we’ll prepare one. The nurses will put it on. At this point, the wing should begin to fully heal. If you begin noticing any problems, return to Princess Celestia or the medical wing immediately. You took a very nasty wound from a very nasty opponent, Navarone. It’s entirely possible that your wing may still be lost. Stay hopeful, but be prepared for the worst.”

“I always try,” I said. “How long should it take to get a cast together?”

“Just a few minutes,” he said. “We were expecting you to get one, so we already prepared the materials. As soon as it is in a cast, you will be free to leave.”

“Excellent. Thanks, Doc.”

“Happy to help. And good luck, Navarone. You still have a long road ahead of you.”

Don’t I fucking know it. The doctor and two of the nurses left. The last nurse to stay was the one holding the wing in place. “I’m going to slowly ease off, Navarone,” she said. “Let me know if there is any pain.”

“You got it.” My wing very slowly started drooping down as she pulled her magic back. To test myself, I started exerting my own strength, keeping it in place. Soon, I was all that was holding it up. “Feels fine. Heavier, though.”

“It’ll be even worse when it’s casted,” she said. “But we’ll only cast the wounded part, so you will still have the full range of motion. Just be careful, of course. And don’t try to fly.”

“Not planning on it. Walking all around the city will suck, but I’m sure I can find plenty of ponies to keep me company.” Fleur chuckled, of course. “And if push comes to shove, I’m sure I can find a few ponies to ferry me around.”

“Like Soarin’?” Fleur asked.

“He’d likely be strong enough,” I said with a shrug. “But probably not. I think he lives in Cloudsdale, so I doubt I’ll even see him.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d be ever so happy to visit,” she said. “Especially since you’re wounded. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a handsome stallion doting on you?”

“I certainly think so,” the nurse said, blushing slightly.

“I do not. I ain’t no damn charity case. I’m happy to have help when needed and I’m happy to let doctors do their job, but I damn sure don’t need no fucking flyboy hanging around my pad, getting in my way and calling it help. I may be injured, but I’m not an invalid.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t let him dote anyway,” Fleur said. “It’s absolutely adorable, I assure you. They’re so happy to help, so pleased to see you smile. I’m not saying you should take advantage of the fellow, but there’s never anything wrong with letting somepony pamper you…”

“I very heavily disagree,” I immediately replied. “But then, I suppose that’s what comes from an upbringing like mine.”

“What was it like?” she asked. Thankfully, the other two nurses entered, saving me from having to refuse to talk about it.

“Are you ready, Navarone?” one asked.

“Yeah. I really want to get out of this bed.”

“Then let’s get you started…”

It took them about five minutes to get the cast set properly and another five minutes to fully put it on. They were extremely careful, so I felt almost no pain at all. Soon, the area around the wound was covered with plaster. The tops and bottoms of the splints were sticking out, so I still had some air flow in there, but not much. I had a feeling it would probably drive me absolutely crazy, but I was hoping Flo would help negate that.

“Can you stand?” one of the nurses finally asked, shaking a few fallen feathers off one of her hooves.

“I certainly hope so,” I replied, carefully rolling over. The injured wing flopped slightly, but it didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel the splints slipping. When I was situated, I dropped my legs off the bed and sat up. “Still no pain. Looks like everything went well.” Finally, I stood up, letting the blanket fall completely off. Everyone already knew I was a chick at that point and it was just mares present, so I really had no reason to try to cover up.

“Slowly take a few steps,” one of the nurses said. She stepped closer to me while the other two backed up. I carefully did as she asked, walking about a meter before stopping. “It looks like you are ready to check out, Navarone.”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll need my clothes.”

“Over here,” one said, using magic to pull out another drawer. It revealed one of the spare sets I brought with me. “Everything you had on you is here, minus your armor and sword. Princess Celestia had those cleaned and taken to your room.”

“Excellent. Thank you, all of you. I’ll just take a moment to gather everything and be on my way.”

“Just call if you need us,” one of them said, placing the drawer back in the cabinet. “We won’t be far.” They all bowed slightly and left, leaving me alone with Fleur.

“Finally free,” I sighed, walking over to the clothing drawer.

“That’s good to hear. Were you planning on selling these drawings?”

“Nah. They’re not worth much, if anything. Just some junk I did while sitting here.”

“I would not call it junk,” she slowly said, lifting them back up in front of her. “Each of these is… brilliant, honestly. More expressive than many of your other works.”

“Keep ‘em if you want ‘em,” I said with a shrug, pulling the drawer back out. All the clothes had been washed, thankfully.

“Do you need assistance getting dressed?”

“Nah. All my shirts are designed for wings. The one good thing about dresses is that I can just pull them up without having to worry about these stupid things.”

“Not the only good thing. They catch eyes quite well. Or at least, some of them do.”

“I do that well enough just by being different, trust me.” I started putting shit back on. As liberating as being completely nude felt, showing off my obviously feminine body felt awkward. I wasn’t really looking forward to wearing a dress in front of a full party.

“That’s certainly true, I suppose. You know, it’s strange. I have to actually keep reminding myself that you’re not a pony. Or of this world at all, for that matter.”

“Never forget it for a second,” I said, finally turning around to face her. It felt good to hide my hideous body away from prying eyes, even if her eyes probably weren’t particularly prying. “Human minds are very different from pony minds. Or at least, they appear to be from a human.”

“I disagree. I believe that you were raised in a different world and that you were raised very differently from the common pony, but I believe that our minds are quite similar. You should not choose to distance yourself from us, Nav. You know there are those among us who would happily call you friend… and more.”

“...Yeah.” I pulled out the other drawer and started shoving shit into pockets. My hand hesitated at the plug, but after a moment, I just grabbed it and quickly pushed it into another pocket. It was clean, and I couldn’t help but wonder what the person cleaning it was thinking about while doing so.

When all that garbage was situated, I slipped on my shoes and turned back to Fleur, who had taken several steps closer. “You mean a lot to me, Nav. You mean a lot to all of Equestria. You may be different, but you are our hero. To me… and to almost all of Equestria, you are one of us. For your sake and ours, don’t deny it. Revel in it. Revel in our closeness. Don’t hide from it.”

“I’m going to start trying, Fleur. I really am. I’m tired of living a distant, unhappy life. I can’t promise to be the perfect hero that Equestria needs, but I’m going to try to be a lot more friendly and open. Being miserable sucks hella hard.”

She smiled and nodded once. “Good. Then shall we go get you a beautiful dress?”

“Sure, I guess.”

She just barely avoided squeeing and settled for grabbing one of my arms with magic and pulling me along.

I knew I was going to soon regret everything I had ever done.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Two—Trials and Tribulations

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Two—Trials and Tribulations

Fleur got me out of the hospital wing before letting my arm go. I have a feeling she wanted to get me out before I saw anyone that might have been injured because I failed against Nestorats. The thought was appreciated, if unnecessary.

When we got to one of the side areas of the hospital, she pulled me closer and placed my hand on her back. “Your hands are quite delightful, Nav,” she said, flexing the muscles under my hand. “Have you ever considering becoming a masseuse?”

“Yes. But I don’t want to make a living by touching ponies. That shit’s weird.”

“Hm.” She smartly stepped away from my hand. “Understandable, I suppose. Anyway, come along! A certain Photo Finish owes me quite a few favors.”

“...I recognize that name.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t interested in fashion at all. Though she is a household name, in some places…”

“You drugged her a few years ago, didn’t you? At a house party, with Rarity and a male model.”

A blush almost immediately came to her face. “I… I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about!”

“And then you got Rarity and that model arrested for treason.”

Both of her ears shot down. “You… you must have me mistaken…”

“I happened to be a pony model once, you know.”

“I… see.” I stared at her for another few seconds, watching the blush slowly creep down her face. “I… I have made mistakes in my life, Nav. You… you know that. I was a very different mare, once. Jealous, vain, exceedingly bitter… I have done many things that I regret. That was… perhaps one of the worst things I’ve done.”

After a few more seconds of staring, during which her eyes sank to the floor, I quietly said, “I am no stranger to sins and regrets. Shall we move on?”

“...Happily.” She started to walk off, head still down, so I swooped in and hugged her. She flinched, but leaned into it after a few seconds. When she got too comfortable, I let her go and we continued on, her head held high once again.

God dammit, Flo. Why did you let me start actually liking her?

“Because the happier you two are together, the more likely she is to put you in a beautiful dress, of course. And that makes you suffer, which makes me happy. Everybody wins.”

Except for me!

“Wearing a beautiful dress makes her happy, which makes you happy, because she’s your friend. So you also win, silly.”

I hate you.

“I love you too, my adorable little human.”

As much as I wanted to keep bitching at her, I knew she would start punishing me if I continued. She denies it, but I know her better. So instead I asked, “Why are we going to a photographer to get me clothes?”

“Because she knows who’s who when it comes to fashion, of course. And she can very easily and cheaply commission any manner of outfit we need. Since you need several, this is the easiest solution. I know money is hardly a problem for either of us, but I find it wise to take recommendations from those who know their trade.”

“Makes sense, I guess. She won’t try to take pictures of me wearing any of these things, will she?”

“Unlikely, but possible. Generally speaking, fashion magazines showcase fashions for the everyday mare. You… aren’t exactly an everyday mare.” We walked a few more steps, then she added, “But if she offers to send you to Shutter Speed, say no.”

“‘Kay.” I kinda wanted to ask, but I also didn’t really care. “As long as I don’t end up in any kind of fashion magazines or whatever, I’m good. And as long as she doesn’t dress me up like some kind of retard, of course.”

“Then you have little to fear, I imagine.”

We finally got to the front entrance, where all the common ponies entered and left the castle. I don’t know why she decided to use that path, when we could leave from any one of them, but Fleur’s all about drama and making herself known, or at least, the habit was so ingrained in her that she did it without thinking.

As soon as I got to the doors, both of the guards shot their superfluous spears down. “Just a moment, Navarone,” one of them said. “Princess Celestia and Captain Midnight have both authorised us to give you two personal guards, if you would like them. They are not required, but will be assigned to you if you are interested.”

“I can see Captain Midnight offering them, but Celestia? Did she say why?” I asked.

“You have had… difficulties in Canterlot in the past. And you will not make many extra friends by bringing in Pertz. You are currently injured and lack mobility. She believed you might benefit from having some ponies guarding you. She doesn’t believe any guards will be necessary, but for your peace of mind and hers, she decided to make the offer.”

“Huh.” I turned to my current companion. “Thoughts, Fleur?”

“They wouldn’t hurt,” she replied with a shrug. “You are currently… mostly unarmed. Having royal guards with us would ward off any possible attackers, and remind the common ponies, and many undesirables, how much power you truly wield in this city. That is never a bad thing.”

“It can most definitely be a bad thing, but the good outweighs it.” I looked back at the guard that spoke. “I’ll take them, if there are any that wouldn’t mind going with me.”

“Yes sir. You’ll find that the day guards are much more professional than the night guards you’re used to working with.” I kinda wanted to bring up how badly the unprofessional night guards curb stomped the day guards during the war games, but that would have been impolite and I didn’t want to wreck the reputation that I just got restored. So instead I stayed silent. “I’ll go arrange it right now. Please wait right here.” He bowed slightly and walked off, leaving just one guard at the door.

“So why do you carry spears?” I asked the remaining one. “I mean, you don’t even have hands. Can you actually stab anyone with those?”

“We learned to not ask questions, sir. My personal guess is that they’re just for show. We’ve never actually been trained with them.”

“Might be good for a charge,” I quietly said. “Let me see.” He passed the spear to me with a shrug. I hefted it to get its weight, then walked over to his side. “Hold still.” Fleur and the guard both watched as I carefully slid the dull end of the spear in a small weak spot under the guard’s armor. The thing was easily twice as long as he was, so I didn’t push it too far in, just far enough in so it didn’t sag down. The end result was about a meter of spear sticking out in front of the guy, ready to be stabbed into someone in front of him. “Yeah, that would be great for a phalanx, if you strapped it into place.”

“I… don’t think my spear is supposed to go there, sir,” he slowly said.

“If you were charging an army of changelings, would you rather do it with only your hooves to fight, or would you rather have a sharp, pointy stick in front of you?”

“Well, I mean, I’d rather have the stick…”

“Good, then you have some common sense. What humans would do back when we still used spears is make what’s called a phalanx. It would have ten or more people side to side in front, holding shields and keeping spears in front of them. Those spears would act to guide attacking enemy soldiers into a killing lane. From there, ten men behind the men with shields would stab into that lane, creating a fairly efficient killing ground. It worked great against disorganized masses of enemies that came at you from the front.”

“That sounds… really smart, sir. But what did you do about mages? Or other humans with wings?”

“We didn’t have those. This was purely infantry, or essentially earth pony versus earth pony. I imagine infantry battles here would be very different, given those factors. Still, having a formation when dealing with weapons like yours is usually better than charging in a disorganized mess.”

“Hm… What about the war games? The way you and the night guards fought was extremely disorganized.”

“No, it just seemed that way to an outsider looking in, one who isn’t used to thinking in terms of small unit actions. Those tactics wouldn’t work in a full scale battle. The goal of tactics like that is to avoid a full scale battle for as long as possible to wear your enemy’s numbers down, so when you do have a large battle, you’ll have the upper hand. Anyway.” I pulled the spear back out of his armor and held it up for him. “I suppose that’s the difference in a predator’s thinking versus the prey’s thinking. Or a warlike species versus a peaceful one.”

He slowly took the spear back, though he didn’t look away from me. “As far as I know, the griffins fight about the same way we do.”

“Huh. Well, cats and dogs fight more like humans. Maybe it’s just more of a mindset. When you go through two wars in the span of twenty years where millions of people died, I guess you start to realize winning a fight quickly and efficiently is a lot better than winning it honorably.”

The guard flinched slightly when I said millions, and his eyes moved to his spear. “Millions dead… using spears?” he quietly asked.

“Oh god no. We don’t have mages, so we made up for it with science. Namely, the sciences of bombs and explosions. There at the end of the second war, one of the combatants made a single explosive that destroyed just about an entire city. And they made two of them. For reference, imagine sitting on the mountain in the Everfree, facing Canterlot, then closing your eyes for ten seconds. When you open them, the entire city is just gone and all that’s left is a storm of fire and poison that travels for hundreds of kilometers, slowly and painfully killing almost everyone it hits.” He didn’t seem interested in imagining that at all. “Before that, we did it more piecemeal, with about fifty to five hundred kilogram bombs that could raze entire city blocks. That’s the kind of mindset that I approach fighting with. That is my legacy. And that is why anyone that tries to fight a war against me is going to lose.”

Both the guard and Fleur looked somewhat disturbed. Given how many of the books she read, Fleur probably already knew at least some of that. I guess hearing it directly from my mouth gave it something more of a grim reality.

So I reached out and booped the guard on the nose. “How long do you think it’ll take to get my escorts?”

“Already here,” the other guard said, walking back up to his post. He was leading two more nondescript day guards, neither of which were carrying spears. “Have you had escorts before, sir?”

“Not out and about in Canterlot, no.” Or at least, not overtly.

“They’ll follow almost any of your orders, of course. You’ve led troops before, so you know what is and isn’t acceptable. For the most part, they’ll follow behind you and whoever you’re with and step in if they think any situation might be dangerous.”

“Sounds simple enough. Here’s hoping they won’t be needed.”

The main guard nodded. “That’s always our main hope, sir. It’s been nearly five years since we’ve actually had to protect somepony, and that was just because Blueblood brought it on himself.”

“I hope you let the other guy get a few hits in before you stepped in.”

He grinned. “No comment. Be safe, sir.”

“Hope so. Shall we, Fleur?”

“Happily.”

She led the way into the city. As soon as we got out of the gates, she started prattling gossip out. Unimportant bullshit about who was secretly seeing who and various scandals. At the time, I figured she was just mindlessly talking to pass the time, but now that I think about it (and now that I’ve seen the newspapers), I realize she was saying all that shit to give the tabloid writers stuff to talk about instead of me.

Fleur is a lot smarter than I give her credit for.

I have absolutely nothing to say about my time with Photo Finish and those… people she had measuring me. Flo is telling me to stop being a baby. I’m telling her that I feel violated and very uncomfortable with all the places measuring tapes were shoved. Of course, she doesn’t pity me because she’s literally a soulless machine.

She didn’t have a reply for that.

The trial for Pertz pretty much started just after the crack of dawn. Ostensibly that was so both sides would have plenty of time to submit evidence, even though everyone went into it knowing the dude was guilty. The real reason, or at least, what I figured was the real reason, was so fewer of his possible supporters would be willing to show up. A lot of the rich assholes didn’t tend to wake up until later, so the hope was that they wouldn’t attend.

As my escort of two guards led the way into the courtroom, I saw that hope was very much dashed. The rows were packed with rich assholes and a few off-duty guards here and there, either placed there by Celestia to keep the crowd from getting rowdy or just to see that bastard get nailed to the fucking wall. There were still enough rich fucktards that I was glad I wore my armor and had my sword on me.

Since I was probably going to act as one of the witnesses, I got to sit right up front, next to Shining Armor. The guards left me when I got in place, since they were only there at Celestia’s order, presumably for show.

“I didn’t think you were going to make it,” Shiny quietly said when I sat down.

“What’s the point in sitting around a courtroom for half an hour just waiting? I’d rather get there on time, since fancy and important things usually start late anyway.”

He snorted. “In your world, maybe.”

Before I could reply, the fancily dressed guard at the front of the room stomped a hoof on the ground. “All rise for Princess Celestia of Equestria.” All the little horses started standing, so I joined them since it was the cool thing to do. Right after he said his little thing, Celestia entered from a side door and walked to the large box in the front of the room.

When she was in place, she nodded smartly. “As you were, everypony. And Nav.” We all returned to our seats. “Bailiff, would you please send for the prisoner? And Shining Armor, would you please contain him as soon as he enters?”

They both said, “Yes, Princess.” Both their horns lit up. The guard’s magic made a bell ring in the back. Shiny’s put a bubble up in front of the back door. A few moments after that, the door opened and Pertz walked through, head held high despite the chains covering him or his missing fur and horn. Before he could do anything, the bubble surrounded him and started pulling him down the path.

As soon as the audience saw him, they started muttering. Some sounded dark, some sounded shocked, and some sounded pleased. Pertz ignored them and fixed Celestia with a cold stare as he was floated forward.

When he was in front of her podium thing, Celestia calmly said, “Pertz, you are accused of murder, assault, treason, ponynapping and unlawful imprisonment, disturbing the peace, genocide, rape, stealing, tax evasion, use of unlawful magic, and smuggling. If you would like to save us all several hours of our lives, feel free to plead guilty. Otherwise, pretend you’re innocent and we can bring in all the witnesses. If you would be so kind as to plead guilty, I’ll let you pick from a few punishments. If you drag this out, I’ll pick for you.”

“I have done nothing wrong, Princess Celestia. This monstrous brute assaulted me and stole me away from my trading station,” he said, turning his head slightly to me for a moment. “I demand that he be punished.”

“So you’re choosing the hard way,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Very well. The witnesses will address each of the crimes in time. Prince Shining Armor, would you like to go first?”

“Happily, your highness.” He stood and walked up to the bailiff.

“You know the drill, sir. Head up, back straight.” Shiny did so, standing very rigid. The bailiff’s horn lit up and he started walking around Shiny, poking him in various places with it. “This spell robs the one imbued the ability to lie. Prince, what is your name?”

“Shining Armor.”

“And your profession?”

“Prince of the Crystal Empire.”

“Please take the stand, Prince Shining Armor.” What, no test to make sure it works? Whatever.

Shiny walked up the rest of the way to the stand next to Celestia. I don’t really know who was supposed to ask him questions, because Pertz didn’t have a lawyer and there wasn’t a prosecutor. Celestia answered that one by asking, “What crimes has Pertz committed that you are personally aware of, Shining Armor?”

“Assault and murder, treason, ponynapping, and smuggling.”

“And how are you aware of these?” Celestia asked.

“On the last shipment Pertz sent back, one of my troops found a disturbingly large quantity of illegal items. He was shipping back ivory, strange poisonous mushrooms, and one living zebra. I have the official cargo manifest here.” His horn lit up and a paper appeared floating in the air next to him. “It was signed and stamped by the guard leader on duty.”

Celestia floated it her way and quickly read over it. “As well as the products he was supposed to ship. That adds pony trafficking to the list of crimes. This proves smuggling. What about the others?”

“After his attempts at smuggling, I was ordered to send a squad of guards on another boat to bring him back to Equestria, since it was decided that he had been away from home for too long. The guards never returned. My assumption was that he assaulted and murdered some and ponynapped the rest, though I have no proof. None of the guards were able to send out any kind of distress signal due to the lack of magic in the area. Of course, attacking any royal guards is treason.”

“Thank you, Prince Shining Armor.” She looked over to Pertz. “Do you have anything to say about this?”

“Those items you claim were smuggled were requested by ponies in power, Princess. I was assured that there would be no problems.”

“There is one pony who can give permission to break certain laws, Pertz,” she replied. “And that pony is not the one who gave the permission. Have you nothing to say to the other charge?”

“This prince has no proof,” Pertz said, shrugging.

“Hm. Prince Shining Armor, you are free to return to the audience.” He slid out of the stand and walked back to the bailiff, who repeated the process. He then returned to his spot next to me. “Next, Silver Quill. Would you mind coming to the stand?”

My eyebrows raised slightly. I hadn’t noticed her in the crowd and I didn’t realize Celestia took her off my ship. But sure enough, the mare stood up and slowly walked to the front of the room, very carefully avoiding stepping near or looking at Pertz. She also stopped in front of the bailiff, who repeated what he did to Shining Armor. Soon, she was seated behind the podium, though she chose to look only at Celestia instead of looking around the room.

When she was settled, Celestia calmly asked, “What crimes has Pertz committed that you are personally aware of, Silver Quill?”

“Treason, assault, murder, ponynapping, unlawful imprisonment, disturbing the peace, and genocide.” Honestly, I was surprised she made it through the whole thing without stuttering. I’m also surprised (and happy) that she didn’t add rape to that list.

“Can you tell us the details of these crimes?” Celestia asked.

“I was the secretary of the trading ship that was sent to bring him back to Canterlot. There were three guards and a merchant on my ship. When we arrived at the village Pertz corrupted, his subjects forced all of us into cages. The merchant demanded to be freed at once, so Pertz ordered his legs broken and told him to walk home. I… I don’t know what became of him after that, but I never saw him again.”

Celestia nodded. “That covers treason, assault, murder, ponynapping, and unlawful imprisonment. What about disturbing the peace and genocide?”

Silver Quill took longer to reply this time, and eventually looked to me instead of Celestia. “I was a prisoner there for months. While there, I witnessed… awful things. He made us watch as he ordered attacks on neighboring villages and he made us look at the… at the awful trophies his monstrous goons brought back. He destroyed a peaceful land and killed as many of the inhabitants as he could…”

“Well then.” Celestia looked back to Pertz, who was glaring at the poor mare on the stand. “And what do you have to say to these accusations, Pertz?”

“I never laid a hoof on those guards, your highness. Or the merchant. And I never killed any of the innocent villagers around me. I can hardly be blamed for the actions of others, can I?”

Celestia sighed. “Pertz, if you continue insulting my intelligence, I’m going to end this farce of a trial and just send you to Tartarus. I’m honestly doing this more to appease your noble friends, but they’re going to complain no matter what the outcome of this trial is, even if you turned into a demon in front of us all and murdered somepony. So please, continue testing me.” He chose to remain silent, though there was a lot of muttering going on behind me. “Oh, are you done?” He grit his teeth. “Good. Silver Quill, you may return to the audience.”

She stepped off the stand and walked to the bailiff, who removed the truth spell on her. When it was gone, she looked back at the princess. “Can I say something, your majesty?”

“Of course, Silver. Just please, keep it quick.”

“Happily.” She finally looked at Pertz. “You’re a monster and I hope you die painfully.” There were some gasps as she looked at me. “Thank you for saving me, Navarone. You are a true hero, and I owe you my life.” And finally, she looked at the audience. “Any of you that think this… filth should suffer any fate but being put to death are delusional and should try living outside of Equestria for just one day.” Instead of taking her place back in the crowd, she just walked out of the courtroom, leaving even more whispers behind her.

“And on that note, Navarone, would you mind stepping forward?” Celestia asked.

“Not at all,” I said, hopping up. “Anything to help put this piece of shit away forever.”

Pertz growled. “You would invite this monster to testify against me? After what he did to Prince Blueblood? And me?”

Celestia nodded. “I will happily hear testimony from Navarone, royal savior, defender of harmony. And Navarone did nothing to Blueblood. A changeling spy poisoned them both. Navarone’s unique biology allowed him to ignore the poison. It’s hardly his fault if Blueblood didn’t have the same defenses. After that, Blueblood challenged Navarone to a duel and then summarily lost. Then he attempted to murder Navarone in cold blood at a party. So I don’t believe Nav did anything unlawful to Blueblood to disallow him from speaking out in this trial. Nor did he do anything unlawful to you.”

By that point, I had already been enchanted with the stupid spell thing and was sitting behind the podium. It was definitely meant for ponies, so I was sitting up about as high as Celestia. I preempted Celestia’s question with, “I know he’s guilty of assault, treason, kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment, disturbing the peace, genocide, rape, and use of unlawful magic.” I was actually kinda surprised that the spell let me say that he was guilty of rape, since he wasn’t technically the one doing the raping, but I didn’t retract my statement.

“By all means, explain,” Celestia said, nodding me on.

“When I got to his village, I identified myself as an agent of the crown, and he seemed to recognize me. Despite that, he denied my authority, refused my orders, and tried to fight me. There’s your treason. When I first met him, he was standing in front of several dozen cages full of all different kinds of sapient creatures. Silver Quill and three royal guards were among them. I think some of them were fairly highly ranking people in their own villages, which gives you kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, and disturbing the peace by kidnapping leaders. When he denied my authority, he accepted a duel, on the grounds that if he lost, he’d go with me. He got his shit kicked in hard and he still refused to go, then attacked me with some magic that I’m pretty sure is absolutely not legal. At the very least, it wasn’t natural. So there’s your assault and unlawful magic. When I beat the shit out of him, his subjects all swarmed me and my soldiers, then got killed pretty much to a man, giving you your genocide.”

“That’s all but rape,” Celestia said. “Please explain that one.”

“Oh, right. This wasn’t really him, but it was one of his subjects. He employed some kind of weird African bat creature that are about as large as I am called a popobawa. They did their best to rape one of my crew members. And from what my local guide told me, that’s pretty much their thing. He made use of them, knowing this. Don’t really know if that counts, but, you know, just in case.”

“It does,” Celestia firmly replied. “Though the genocide one is pretty iffy.”

“Well, I have secondhand evidence for that one,” I said with a shrug. “Pretty much every little village we passed through knew of him and that his warlike army was killing pretty much everyone they could find. The last village we passed through actually named me a hero for stopping him.”

“Hm. And for reference, how many soldiers attacked you and your party?”

“My guess is over three hundred. We probably killed or critically wounded the vast majority of those. I had eight others with me. It was very much a one-sided bloodbath. I think the worst injury we got was a pretty bad bruise, or maybe light burns from some friendly fire. Their numbers included hyenas, gorillas, rhinos, zebras, crocodiles, hippos, popobawas, elephants, and one very pissed off witch doctor.”

“I see. Thank you for your service, Navarone.” She finally looked back at the piece of shit. “And what do you have to say in defense, Pertz?”

He took several long seconds to compose himself, though he spent most of those glaring at me. Finally, he looked back at Celestia and said, “When you sent me to Africa, you told me to send back trade goods and spread civilization. I did both of those. I do not tell you how to rule Equestria. Why do you want to tell me how to obtain goods that you yourself requested?”

“You know, it’s strange. I seem to recall you missing your last three scheduled shipments. And then kidnapping or killing the party I sent to ask why.”

“I had difficulties obtaining goods for some time. You told me that I was allowed to send goods back on my own schedule if I had troubles.”

“With the caveat that you send me a missive if you had difficulties twice in a row, Pertz. I did not give you permission to take over an entire village, I did not give you permission to install yourself as a… as a superstitious god, and I most certainly did not give you permission to learn or use any manner of outlawed magic.” He opened his mouth to reply, but she slapped a hoof against her podium thing. “You will be silent or you will be silenced.” His mouth closed in a grimace. “You took a royal duty, given in good faith, and perverted it monstrously. You absolutely destroyed any semblance of civilization in the heart of Africa and you ruined any chance that they will ever trust ponies again. You assaulted my subjects and the instrument of my will. You defied my authority. You caused so many atrocities that naming them would take over an hour. You ruined lives. And before you were even sent to Africa, you conspired with Blueblood and other nobles against me. You hid your wealth to avoid paying any taxes. You hosted parties of illegal extravagances. I ignored them because you were behaving, despite that, and every pony has a vice. But you, and many of the nobles in this room, are guilty of so, so much. And it has finally caught up with you in particular. What say you?”

“I say that you have gone mad with power, Princess Celestia. I am innocent of all crimes. I have done many of the things you accuse me of, but none of them were criminal.”

“Enough.” She slapped a hoof against the podium again. “You are to be banished to Tartarus at first light tomorrow. Until then, you will be locked in solitary confinement in prison tower C. No visitors will be allowed. Prince Shining Armor, please escort him away.”

“Happily,” he said with a grim smile. His horn lit up brighter and the bubble jerked toward one of the side doors. Before Pertz could begin yelling at any kind of unjust treatment, a magical gag covered his mouth.

“Bailiff, please remove your spells from Navarone.” I stepped down from the stand and let the bailiff do his thing. “Navarone, go with Prince Shining Armor to assist him. I will join you shortly.”

“Of course.” Shiny had already made it out, so I hurried to the door they left from and quickly caught up. As soon as I got next to him, I slid my ring on. “So that went swimmingly,” I happily said, patting his back.

“I certainly won’t complain about the results,” he replied. “But the method… well, it left something of a sour taste in my mouth.”

“Yeah, justice isn’t as sweet as people say,” I said. “Honestly though, this was a foregone conclusion. Celestia may be a tyrant, but she’s not a stupid one. She knows that, given a trial with a jury and an actual judge, he might get away with it. He’s guilty of some pretty fucked up stuff. Better to have him in Tartarus than getting off because he has friends in high places.”

“True. But a proper trial with a proper jury and a proper defense is still better, even if he has a chance of getting off. I’d rather everypony have a fair chance than be left to the whims of one pony, ageless ruler or not.”

“And for the most part, that’s true. Everyday pony Joe Blow gets arrested, he’ll never see Celestia. He’ll be tried according to the crime he committed by a jury of his peers. But a jury of this dickwad’s peers would let him off, because they’re assholes. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a vindictive rich piece of shit that has a grudge against you, trust me. They can usually bend the law in whatever way they want to get their way. At that point, your only hope is to have a richer friend watching out for you.”

Shiny sighed, hanging his head slightly. “Such is the curse of nobility, I suppose…”

“Nah man, that ain’t about nobles. It’s about money. A rich business owner has a lot more sway than a destitute lord. Money brings power, and power corrupts. It’s possible to be rich without being a piece of shit, but it’s really easy to be rich and a piece of shit. Especially if you were born into it and raised with it.”

His ears started twitching. “You aren’t really making me happy about being a rich prince, Nav. Or about having a growing princess…”

“She isn’t the one you need to worry about. The nobles in your place are corrupt as fuck, dude. I could tell that in a brief conversation with just one of them. I bet they’ve already started trying to rebuild and consolidate their power. They’ll take whatever they can get and leave you as puppets, if they can. And then they’ll give themselves all the advantages and shit all over the poor people. It’s a cycle in human history and it’s a cycle in pony history.”

“How do I… how do we even stop them from doing something like that?”

“Get yourself a Cardinal Richelieu. Namely, someone who can put all the nobles on their heads and occupy their time with so much bullshit that they can’t come after you.”

“...So an advisor.”

“Yep. I’ll be honest, Shiny: You really can’t rule both the rich people and the commoners. You can either choose to rein one in or rein the other in. There’s just not enough time in the day to do both and you need full support from at least one group. You have to rule one and find ways to manage the other. Which is what the advisor is for. They can be your manager.”

“Hm…” He finally fell silent, just contemplating.

Pertz was struggling in his bindings, but there wasn’t really anything he could do in that bubble. He had no horn, he was chained up, he was in Shiny’s stupidly overpowered bubble, and I had my ring on so I could step in if it even looked like he might break free.

After a few minutes of quietly following next to Shiny, I finally asked, “So where are we really taking this guy?”

“Prison tower C. Didn’t you hear Celestia?”

“You need to learn to think like a politician. A piece of shit politician, at that. This guy just called her insane in a room full of his friends. She told that same room full of friends that she knows how many of them were breaking laws and could be easily and quickly arrested. She also throws this guy in prison with no real due process. Then she tells them all exactly where he’ll be and that he’ll be alone, in solitary confinement. I’m pretty fucking sure she’s setting a trap to see if they’ll stage a rescue attempt.” Pertz started struggling harder.

Shiny took a few seconds before slowly nodding. “That makes sense, actually…”

“And why do you think she’s setting this trap, instead of just arresting them all?”

“To… make sure she gets as many as possible?”

“And?”

A few more seconds passed as he thought. “To justify it?”

“Bingo. If anyone tries springing this shithead, they’ll be in the upper crust, believe me. Or they’ll be working for someone up there. Celestia has a lot of power, but that doesn’t mean she wants to just step on everyone’s feet, and throwing a dozen high ranking and rich nobles in prison just because she says she has proof of a few small illegal things would piss a lot of people off. But if she has proof that they tried springing a known dangerous traitor that’s on his way to Tartarus…”

“She’ll have every reason in the world to arrest them!”

“And seize their properties and titles, increasing her own power by getting rid of people that want to oppose her.”

Before he could reply, a loud crack from a teleporter went off right behind us. I ripped my sword out as I spun, getting ready to stab someone. Shiny hopped forward, then slung around, keeping me just in front of him, so my armor could tank any blows.

Thankfully, it turned out to just be Celestia. “Extremely astute, both of you,” she said with a small grin. “At least a quarter of the nobles in that room have plans that are far above their station. I believe several of them might actually be stupid enough to attempt to rescue him. Which is why he won’t be there. Prince Shining Armor, you may leave. Navarone and I will continue escorting Pertz.”

Shiny didn’t move. “I’d rather go with you, Princess. Just in case.”

“I know his abilities far better than you do, Shining Armor. You needn’t worry about our safety. And of course, Navarone is fully protected as well.”

“Yeah man, chill,” I said, finally putting my sword back. “This dude tries anything, we’ll put his ass under, no problem. Just keep heading to that prison tower thing. It’ll need to look legit to fool anyone, after all.”

“...Alright. But where will he be kept?”

“He’s going straight to Tartarus, actually,” Celestia said. “He is extremely dangerous. I refuse to take any chances. Nav and I will take him to the gate as soon as you leave. He’ll be tossed in as soon as we get there.”

“Well, alright. Be careful, Princess. I know you’re powerful, but if he’s really as dangerous as you say…”

“He won’t be a problem, Shining Armor. Please don’t leave any of your bubbles in the prison cell. If anypony does try anything, I want to be able to enact my countermeasures without worrying about hitting your magic.”

“Of course, Princess. I’ll see you both later, I guess.” After a few seconds of looking at Pertz, he shrugged and trotted off, horn no longer glowing.

“Let’s carry on, then,” she said, her horn lighting up. Pertz started moving as she turned and began walking. I followed next to her, the criminal trailing behind us.

“That was pretty good timing. Were you watching Shiny?”

“Pertz, actually. I was making sure he didn’t do anything. I was going to wait longer, but that seemed like a good opportunity.”

“Well, at least you know how to make an entrance.”

“Yes, a few thousand years gave me plenty of practice.” We turned down a side hall. “Now, would you mind removing your ring?”

“We gonna teleport?” I asked as I pulled it off.

“Not quite.” Her horn lit up brighter and my sword pulled free. Before I could do anything, she used it to slice Pertz’s head off. My mouth just dropped. She casually slung the sword clean of blood and then slid it back in my sheath, letting the body just fall to the floor. After a few seconds of shocked silence, her horn lit back up and his twitching body disintegrated, taking all the blood with it. “I’ll see you at dinner, Nav. I have some plans to make.” She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, then teleported away.

After several more seconds, Flo quietly ahemmed. “So that just happened.” It knocked me out of my stupor.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess it did.” I wiped a small splatter of blood off my arm and started walking down the hall.

“As much as I detest the thought, it… was the best decision, all things told,” Flo quietly said.

“Yeah, it was. We don’t need him becoming a demon in Tartarus, or more bullshit that I have to deal with when I go to get the fire there. Still… summary execution, man. Jesus. That’s some cold blooded shit.”

“Well, Celestia’s pretty cold blooded. Yes, this was a very dark outcome, but are you truly surprised to see her do something like this?”

I walked in silence for a few minutes. “Honestly, not really. But why the hell did she have to use my sword to do it?”

Flo didn’t reply.

My goal was to spend all of that day in my room, hoping to not have to deal with reporters. I also only had one set of clothes at the moment, since the others weren’t done. The armor wasn’t really the most comfortable thing out there, so staying in was a much easier alternative.

I was doing pretty good with that goal up until around six or so, when a gentle knock sounded against my door. It wasn’t until it was open that I realized I was just wearing panties, not that it really mattered anymore.

The maid on the other side certainly didn’t seem to care. It was the one that had already seen me completely naked, so I don’t suppose a small piece of cloth really fazed her. “Princess Celestia says you are to join her at dinner, Lady Navarone. I believe she needs to talk to you.”

I took a moment to think over those implications before nodding. “Alright. When?” She probably wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to say anything about the dude she violently murdered in front of me.

“As soon as you ready yourself. Would you like me to escort you, or do you know the way?”

“I know the way, thank you.”

She bowed slightly before trotting off, moving to her next task. For once, I didn’t take a moment to watch her ass as she left. Instead, I just threw on the one set of clothes that I had and went to meet Sunbutt.

Of course, she was in her own personal dining hall. Food had already been served, surprisingly, but there was a place set out for me and it didn’t appear that she had begun eating yet. “So kind of you to join me,” she warmly said as I sat myself down next to her.

“And it was kind of you to invite me. Palace food is definitely better than travel fare, even if it is cooked by a dragon in a puffy pink apron.” The jury’s still out on why Spike chooses to keep wearing that thing. “Of course, I need plenty of food to help my wing keep healing.”

“Which is, in part, why I invited you. I’ll need to check it before we retire. Does it still feel fine?”

“Yeah. Several loose feathers, but I guess that’s what comes from being in a cast.” I made a show of shaking it, which knocked a few feathers out. She lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. “I’m saving up for a human feather pillow. Gotta be the most unique one out there.”

“I’m sure.” Her horn lit up and food started levitating, which I took as a sign to mean the meal was truly ready to begin. “I’m sure you’re wondering why the table is already set.”

“I was just assuming you got impatient.”

She was silent for several seconds, either chewing or thinking. Finally, she said, “I have a task for you. It might lead to some dark and highly immoral things. If you don’t want it, I will not blame you and I’ll find another way to accomplish it. If you do accept it, it is absolutely imperative that it be accomplished according to my guidelines.”

I met her silence with some of my own. After nearly half a minute, during which I actually got to eat some, I quietly said, “I’m listening.”

“I want you to guard prison cell C tonight. Before you go, I’ll show you a few pictures. If any of those ponies try anything, I need you to kill them. If any other ponies try doing anything, capture them if possible and kill them if not.”

I was silent for a little bit longer before lifting an eyebrow. “How is this dark or immoral?”

“Because if any of the ponies on my list are there, I need you to kill them, regardless of whether or not they try to surrender or run. They must die.”

The silence came back as I contemplated and ate. Honestly, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Anyone that attempted to break Pertz out really had it coming. But I knew I was being used. “Why?”

“Because what you told Shining Armor today wasn’t entirely accurate,” she said with a sigh. “Arresting nobles that attempt to free a traitor condemned to Tartarus is a decent way to seize their titles, but it’s not a particularly good way. After all, they’ll still have rights and can still appeal to an actual court, who would likely be susceptible to bribery. If any of the ponies on my list are foolhardy enough to risk freeing Pertz, they must be put down.”

“Why me, then?”

“Shining Armor is returning to his kingdom tonight, so the only other pony that knows Pertz isn’t in that cell is going to be gone. Your sword is the one that killed him. When it’s magically tested for victims, they’ll find Pertz next to all the nobles you also killed, which will be your alibi. You will say that you couldn’t sleep and decided to check on the defenses. While there, you found that he had been freed and was trying to escape. You killed him first, then whoever was aiding him. If it happens to be somepony that isn’t on my list, I will come and rip some information from their minds, then deal with them personally.”

“Sounds like you’re asking me to essentially murder some bitches for you.”

“I am not. I am asking you to stop an attempted jail break… and don’t take prisoners.”

We continued eating in silence for nearly a minute. “This doesn’t sound like you, Celestia. At all. This isn’t how you operate.”

She looked away. “I have advisors.”

“This reeks of Luna.” Her ears flinched very slightly. “Did you speak to Reginald?”

Her eyes narrowed and she looked back at me. “I did. He was slightly displeased when I declined to confirm or deny what you told him. His anger was somewhat abated when I told him where Luna was, though he still wasn’t pleased that he is incapable of getting to her.”

“Hm. And who came up with your plot for the nobility?”

She sighed and hung her head. “It was, in fact, my sister. What happened with Pertz was also her idea.”

I let silence kick in again. After a few more minutes, I sat back. “I will guard the cell, but I won’t be a murderer, Celestia. If they attempt to fight me, they will die. If they attempt to run, they will die. But if they attempt to surrender, I will not put them down. I will let you put them to the sword. If you want people murdered, let the blood be on your own hands. I’ll let you use my sword if you must, but I won’t stain my soul with more unnecessary blood.”

“I can accept that.” She sipped at a cup of tea for a few moments before setting a hoof on the table. “You are extremely popular right now, Navarone. I want you to know that there is almost nothing you could do at the moment to ruin that. If this fouls up in any way, you will be free from any public reprisals. That said, your actions have had… consequences.”

The way she said that, she wanted me to ask. So I crossed my arms and waited, because I wasn’t going to accommodate bad behavior. If she wanted me to ask, she should just explain it to save me from having to read her mind.

After about a minute, she finally continued, though she removed her hoof from the table. “Killing some of the last thugs that attacked you made the nobles wary. It also made them curious about human behavior and actions. That led to many of them reading the books you had printed and the… anime. From what I understand, some of them have picked up some rather unsavory habits. If you get attacked again, it will likely be from considerably better trained soldiers, probably actual mercenaries. And they won’t have any intentions of leaving you alive. Given your record, I doubt any intelligent mercenaries would be interested in attacking you, but I want you to be wary regardless.”

“Okay. Do you expect there to be issues?”

“Not if tonight goes the way I expect it to. If even one noble meets their end tonight, the rest will be cowed for a generation or two. Especially when I strip all the titles from their corpse, interrogate their family, and seize all but ten percent of their wealth for being a traitor.”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll need to scout out the prison cell. I have no idea where it is or what it’s like, and if I’m going to plan a trap for some peeps, I’ll need to have my eyes on it.”

“Wise,” she said with a nod. “I believe that if they make an attempt, it will likely be early in the night and all at once. But just in case, I’d like you to remain there all night. If they attack early, I shall clean up the mess in case another group attacks. I left a… doll of sorts there that will allow you to communicate with me. If they attack, slay them all and call for me. I will come.”

“You made a fucking voodoo doll?”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t call it that. Voodoo is just a… Actually, yes. It is a voodoo doll. There, happy?”

“Hey man, I’m just asking. Respect the dark arts. That shit’s spooky.”

“Which is something else I’d like to discuss. Later.”

“Sure, sure. And I’m also gonna eat up dat pussy later. But for now…” I finally stood. “I’m gonna go do some recon.”

“Always the romantic.” She stood as well. “Before you go, let me pour more healing into your wing.”

“Happily,” I said, turning so it was facing her. She walked over and carefully pressed her horn again part of it that wasn’t covered by the cast. It lit up and a wave of healing overcame me. “How’s it looking?”

“The diagnostic magic comes up clean. As far as I can tell, you’ll be able to take the cast off in a week and probably immediately fly.” She pulled her horn away and used magic to make me face her. “But I still want you to be careful. Especially tonight. I’ll have a folder sent to your room that contains the photographs of the nobles that might attend, along with a short dossier detailing what I know of their abilities. Most are unicorns, of course, so wear your ring. I’d also advise your armor, in case they bring muscle.”

“So don’t be retarded. Got it.” She rolled her eyes. “Celestia, I’m a soldier. If I’m going into what might be a fight, chances are, I’ll be wearing my armor. Can I use my gun?”

“Yes. But it’ll be close range, so it’ll have limited effectiveness.”

“Better to have it and not need it. I’m gonna go get geared up. I’ll leave after I get the dossier. I’ll burn it all in the morning.”

“Good. Hopefully I’ll see you later tonight. If not, I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll definitely make time to talk to you tomorrow at length about the visions you had, as well as a few other things.”

“‘Kay.” I started trying to walk past her, but she stopped me with magic and leaned in to kiss me.

It didn’t last too long, for better or worse. “I definitely missed you, Nav. Maybe we’ll have time for… some other things tomorrow.”

“Maybe. We’ll see. Anyway, later.” She didn’t seem too enthused by my answer, but I was starting to seriously rethink some things. Celestia’s fun… when she’s not being a ruler. Or being influenced by Luna. But she was having me do some pretty dark shit, and doing some herself. And I knew she had done much worse.

I was having a hard time reconciling it in my mind, and didn’t know if I should keep trying. There were certainly other options out there, including the old fallback of ‘none of the above’.

But for the moment, she accepted the answer, and even smiled after a few seconds. “Until then.” She finally trotted out, leaving the mess on the table behind. I followed behind her, making sure to go the opposite way to be dramatic, even though I actually needed to go the way she was going. I got to a side hall and turned, then waited a minute and finally started going the right way.

Being a national hero doesn’t mean you magically get to avoid the occasional social awkwardness, I’m afraid.

Sure enough, when I got to my room, there was already a packet waiting on my bed. I popped it open and dumped it on the desk. Six different paper clipped packages fell out. I spread them out on the table and realized that I pretty much just became a shitty spy from the eighties.

After I got over my small personal disgust, I started reading them. Two mares, four stallions. One of the mares was a pegasus, one of the guys was an earth pony. The rest were unicorns. I didn’t recognize any of them or their names, though all seemed like rich assholes. Celestia didn’t give a reasoning about why any of them wanted to free Pertz, though she did mark two of the stallions as the most likely duo to come by. They were both unicorns.

I didn’t bother learning their names, because that would put a hole in the story Celestia gave me. It would be better to just recognize them and kill them if needed.

When I was done looking at the pictures, I pulled my armor back on, then grabbed my sword and gun. When I was all situated, I pulled off a glove and slid the ring on. I doubt anyone would want to fight me after beating Pertz and his entire village, but just in case anyone tried, I was going to make sure they’d be harmless.

After I got everything situated, I put all the photos back in the packet and tossed them in a drawer. I didn’t expect anyone to go through my stuff, but I’d have them burned in the morning regardless. Once that was done, I walked out and immediately realized I had no idea where the fuck the prison tower even was. I sighed and started looking for a guard to get directions.

“So does this make me a hypocrite?” I asked as I walked.

“I was wondering when you’d come to that conclusion,” Flo replied. “And yes, it does. Selling out Celestia’s illegal and immoral activities and then helping her do more of them is fairly hypocritical.”

Way to pull that punch. She scoffed, of course. “You didn’t say whether or not this was the right thing to do.”

“I didn’t. There is no right or wrong thing here, only what you do.”

“Don’t pull that cop-out bullshit on me, Flo.”

She was silent for several long seconds before I felt some kind of cold touch on my back that quickly spread around to my stomach. It took me a few steps to realize she was pantomiming hugging me. “This is exactly how you started down your path, Nav. You did dark things for Celestia because you believed that they needed to get done, and that you might as well be the one doing them. You wanted to spare others the horrors of going down that path. And as she was telling you what to do tonight, I could see that same internal struggle in your mind, and it resolved in the same way. You’re doing this because you believe it’s an evil task that needs to be done. You chose yourself as one to do it, to spare a pony from it.”

I continued walking in silence. She was right, of course. I knew she was. I knew it as soon as Celestia told me what she needed done. And yet… “What other choice is there? Honestly, what other option do I have?”

And that made it her turn to be silent. I found a guard not too long after and got directions to the tower. He smiled when he gave them, probably thinking I was just going to check on the defenses, like a good hero.

When I was about halfway there, Flo finally responded. “You have a reputation and you have a silver tongue. These nobles are honestly incapable of hurting you, given your armor and your ring. Luna believes the best way to deal with them is to kill them. She’s an insane psychopath. If she thinks it’s the best way, that obviously means there’s a path of peace that might not be as efficient. Violence is not always the proper answer, Nav.”

“Well, I was certainly going to talk to them before just attacking. I absolutely refuse to be Celestia’s junkyard dog. If she expects me to kill no questions asked, she’s going to be sorely disappointed.”

“Of course. But you don’t have to kill them even if they do attack you. Beat some sense into them. If Celestia wants them dead, she can kill them herself. Just beat seven kinds of hell out of them first.”

“Not too terrible of an idea, all things told. Talk them down first, beat the shit out of them if that fails, kill only if necessary.”

“Precisely. Assuming, of course, anyone shows up.”

Given the feeling in my gut, I suspected someone definitely would.

Apparently the designers of Canterlot watched too many bad movies, because the prison towers were all really close to each other and were maybe a five minute walk to Celestia’s personal bedrooms and about another five minute walk to the armory. Normally, that would be a really stupid placement, but I suppose in a world where the princess has enough magic to vaporize someone in an instant, I guess it wasn’t as bad.

The hallway leading up to the prison tower was thankfully very long and lined with bare walls and floors. There weren’t even any windows, which made sense. The place was probably built to hold the worst of the worst, if Celestia was sending Pertz there. It was also completely unguarded, which didn’t really surprise me; Celestia probably told the guards to take the night off. Instead of torches, there were just magic ambient lights shoved into the wall every few meters.

At the end of the hall was a door, a chair, and an adorable Celestia plushie. Since I had no reason to bother her at the moment, I ignored the doll and just sat. “Should I even bother checking the door?”

“Just in case they already beat you here, I suppose…” I shrugged and leaned over to try the handle. It was locked, unsurprisingly. I leaned back and settled in to wait.

About three hours after I got there (most of the dead time was spent fighting dreams while Flo paid attention to the real world), someone intruded on us. Flo told me as soon as she heard the hooves coming, so I hopped in front of the door and pulled up my gun, ready to deal with a bitchy, pain in the ass noble.

Imagine my surprise when it was Captain Midnight Blossom who rounded the corner. She stared at me for a few seconds before continuing forward. I slung my rifle and crossed my arms.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Nav,” she said as she came closer.

“Same. I figured you’d be out patrolling.”

“I was. Then I heard that the princess ordered the guards assigned to Pertz to take the night off. I came here immediately to find out who was watching over him.”

“She’s expecting trouble, so she asked me to make sure nothing happens. I’m slightly more capable than the average guard, so she figured I’d be a good choice for guarding him.”

“You’re considerably more capable than the average guard, I’d say,” she replied with a small shrug. “But guarding someone, especially someone dangerous like Pertz, is not a one-pony job. Anything could happen. That’s why we assign guards in pairs.”

“Celestia did not deign to give me a partner. I’ll be fine alone.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “You are a strong stal… person. But can you truly stay up all night without rest? And expect to successfully fight?”

“You forget the perks of my biology,” I said, reaching back and flipping my ponytail over my shoulder. “I can go all night.”

“In spring and summer. It’s fall. That hair is orange.” I silently flipped the hair back. “I think I’ll join you.”

“I think you’ll go back to your duty, Captain,” I slowly said. “Celestia is expecting visitors, and I am to greet them according to their station.”

One of her ears twitched and she turned her head. “It seems that some of your visitors are coming now.”

Her ears were much more sensitive than mine, apparently. I heard them a few seconds later, then muttered a curse and pulled up my rifle. “Get behind me,” I said, stepping forward.

“Not a chance,” she replied, taking up a stance next to me.

I really didn’t need her there for what was about to go down, but it was a little bit late for that and I probably couldn’t make her leave if I tried. Especially not with time to spare, as the new visitors were already rounding the corner.

There were four of them. Three were nobles that Celestia told me to expect, the female unicorn and two of the male unicorns. The last was a large, fully armored diamond dog carrying a long pole-axe and a small shield. I quietly pumped my rifle as they walked closer.

“Visiting hours are nonexistent, I’m afraid,” I called down the hall. “I’m gonna have to ask you to turn around and walk away.” They continued walking. “I’m not certain you understand. If you think you’re going to be seeing Pertz tonight, you are extremely mistaken.”

One of the male unicorns said something so quietly that I couldn’t hear it and the party stopped. He continued forward, coming to a halt a few meters in front of them and still several meters away from me. “My dear Navarone, I’m afraid you’re in our way. Our friend is on the other side of that door, and we’d quite like to see him again before he goes.”

“Princess Celestia, in her infinite wisdom, did not grant Pertz visitation rights,” I said. “He is a very dangerous man, and absolutely must not be disturbed for any reasons. You’ll have to ask Celestia for special permission if you’d like to see him. Otherwise, I’m afraid that I can’t allow it.”

One of his eyebrows lifted. “Since when do we need permission to bid a friend farewell? I thought Celestia was all about the magic of friendship.”

I smirked. “Just because she built this nation does not mean she has to be a paragon of its values. Now I heavily advise that you turn around and walk away while you are still able.”

“Are you… threatening us?” he quietly asked.

“No. Now I’m threatening you. Leave or I will kill every single one of you. And then Celestia will posthumously strip your titles and your wealth, leaving your families destitute and on the streets. So please, do this the easy way. Turn around and walk away.”

He rolled his eyes and turned his head. “Would you kindly stomp this disgusting freak?” he asked.

The diamond dog lifted up the mask of his helmet to look at me more closely. “You… Navarone? Hero of cat-land?”

“The very same. I’m also part of a naga clan,” I said, baring the naga steel. “And I wiped out the Dog Father’s organization in Germaneigh and I killed his operation here in Equestria and I brought Pertz to justice, killing hundreds in the process.”

He lowered his helmet, looked at the unicorn, shrugged, and said, “I quit.” He thumped off, leaving the three unicorns somewhat dumbfounded.

“Now you see, he has the right idea,” I said, putting away the knife. “You know I brought Pertz to justice. I personally dueled him and beat the hell out of him. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say he was probably stronger magically than any of you before he left.” The other unicorn guy and the chick shared nervous looks. “So if I can beat him, and his entire army, what do you think I’m going to do to you? Now, Princess Celestia doesn’t have to know you were here. Walk away and that’s it. But if you try and fight me, I’ll just give her the bodies and let her do the rest. So, what’ll it be?”

They were silent for some time. It looked like the two standing in the back were starting to edge away. The one up front was glaring at me, and his horn finally lit up. “We’ll take our chances!” A ball of fire shot directly toward me. Blossom jumped back, trying to avoid it. I let it impact me dead on. When it cleared, his mouth dropped.

“See, now you done fucked up,” I sighed, shaking my head. Before he could react, I lifted my rifle up and shot both of his accomplices, dropping them both before they could make up their mind to either run or fight.

He flinched when the gun made noises, then looked down at himself in surprise. “You missed!”

I lowered the gun, smiled, and whirled my finger slightly, giving him the hint to turn around. He slowly looked behind himself and saw two dead unicorns. His mouth dropped, so I pulled out my sword and started walking.

It took him a few seconds to notice I was moving. When he did, he jumped back and his horn lit up again. I was honestly surprised when instead of trying to do something to me, he teleported Blossom in front of him, held in a magic grasp. “If you don’t stop moving, I’ll kill her!” he shouted.

I stopped, of course. Not that I really thought he could kill her, of course, it just seemed like the dramatic thing to do.

“I am leaving here with Pertz,” he growled. His horn lit up brighter and one of the spikes I shot into his companions lifted up and pointed at Blossom’s neck. “And you aren’t going to stop me.”

“No, I’m not,” I said. “But I don’t really think I’ll need to.”

“Oh? And who do you think is going to get here in time to save her? If you touch that contraption at your side, she dies!”

“What makes you think I’m going to save her?” His mouth snapped shut. Blossom’s eyes were glowing and her fangs were starting to get longer. I smiled ever so sweetly at the stallion. “Exactly one living person is leaving this room tonight, and it won’t be you. Blossom, it’s time to feast.”

She vanished into smoke, making the guy cry out in fear. Before he could do anything else, the smoke jerked to his neck and she reappeared on his back. He started rearing, but she bit down on his neck before he could get too high up and yanked out. His carotid tore and blood started fountaining from his neck. She turned into smoke again and reappeared in front of him, suckling at the wound as he collapsed to the ground.

Before the life left his eyes, I slammed my sword into his head, breaking Blossom out of her bloodlust. She backed away, breathing heavily. One of her shuddering hooves lifted to her mouth, which happened to be covered in blood. It was pretty much all over her front half, honestly.

“Fucking noble filth,” I muttered, pulling the sword out and rubbing it over his body to clean it. “Wasting my god damned time.” I spat on the body for good measure, then sheathed my sword. “Well, that’s three fewer you have to guard,” I said, turning back to Blossom. She was staring at the body in horror, the hoof still on her mouth. “What? Shit, did we accidentally just turn him into a vampire?” Before she could answer, I pulled the sword back out and stabbed him through the chest. “Didn’t even think about that!”

She grabbed my arm before I could pull the sword back out. “I just killed somepony!”

“What? No, that was my sword. Trust me, I had a reason for stabbing him before he died all the way.” Since she wasn’t worried about him becoming a new vampire, I rubbed the sword back on his body and put it away again. She didn’t let go of my arm, though. “Is that… a problem?” I also noticed that she reverted back to saying somepony.

“I… I swore to Luna that I would never… never suck somepony dry…”

“Well, you didn’t. See all that blood on the floor? And, you know, all over you? And look here…” I walked over to the dude and stepped on his chest, making more spurt out. “Still plenty of blood in there. He’s hardly dry.” She still seemed somewhat unsure. “Come on, this guy was a total douchebag. He was literally threatening to stab you. Why wouldn’t you want to kill him? Because you swore an oath to a psychopath? Fuck that bitch. There were no witnesses, he’s dead, my sword’s the one that killed him, no biggie.”

“...True. I merely… assisted in the take-down, I suppose. That was actually… the first time I’ve ever used my abilities in a fight.”

“Cool. I’d say they work pretty fucking well. How did it feel?”

“Good. Very, very good. It seems that the richer ponies are, the better tasting their blood is. I believe it has something to do with their level of activity and their diet. Needless to say, his tasted… delicious.” She actually licked her lips, then tongued one of her fangs. “I’ll have to be careful in the future.”

“Yeah, that’s a slippery slope you don’t want to start sliding down. Anyway, you need to go now. Head to my room and take a shower, then go back to your patrols. I’m calling in a cleanup crew and going back on watch.”

“...Cleanup crew?” She looked at the pool of blood on the floor. “This one is… fairly conspicuous.”

“Don’t worry about it. And Blossom?” One of her eyebrows lifted. “Thank you for standing with me.”

She smiled, showing off her red-tinged fangs. “What are friends for?” Just like that, she burst back into smoke and drifted down the hall.

When the smoke was fully gone, I walked over to the Celestia doll and picked it up. I really didn’t know what to do, so I just started tickling its belly. About fifteen seconds later, Celestia teleported in next to me. “What do you—Oh.” She took a few steps down the hall so she could get a better look at the bodies. “Hm. I really didn’t expect her to be here. Oh well. I assume there was no trouble?”

“They had a mercenary with them,” I said. “A large male dog. Fully armored. He had a halberd and a buckler. He decided to leave when they made it clear they were looking for a fight. Didn’t want to face me in battle.”

“A very wise mercenary.”

“There was… another issue.” Her head slowly turned to me. “Captain Midnight Blossom came in before they did, to see why her guards had been ordered to take the night off. She was there when they came, and saw me kill them.”

“I assume they attacked first, then.”

“They did, of course. Threw a fireball at me. When that did nothing, the bloody one took Blossom hostage with magic. I cut him down, but she got covered in his blood. I told her to go take a shower.”

Her lips tightened for a moment before she shrugged. “Captain Midnight is very loyal and very strict about the law. If she believed you were in the wrong, she would have asked you to sit in a cell until it could be sorted. If she left, then she saw no issues.” She turned back to the bodies, a somewhat calculating look on her face.

“What do you think about her?” I asked. “The captain, I mean.”

“I appreciate her service. I believe Luna trusted her slightly more than she should have, and gave her far too much leeway outside of Shining Armor’s jurisdiction, but those actions paid off. Captain Midnight is a fine and professional soldier that does Canterlot proud.” She seemed to zone me out and started walking around the bodies, avoiding the blood. “So two with bolts and one with a sword…” She lingered at the one I cut up. “One head wound, one neck wound, one heart wound. Was he… especially resilient?”

“Blossom happens to be a friend of mine. I was… somewhat displeased that he tried holding her hostage.”

“Ah. Understandable.” She pointed at the neck. “This one isn’t frozen.”

“That was the first one. He was pissed that I killed his friends and wanted a… ugh, taste of me, so to say. It basically got me close enough that I could slit his throat with a knife. He wasn’t quite dead and I remembered you said you wanted them killed with the sword if possible, so I stabbed his heart. That didn’t kill him immediately either, so I said fuck it and just cut through his brain.”

“Excellent. I’m not asking because I don’t believe you, I’m asking in case it’s brought up in some manner of court. You just killed three of the richest ponies in the world, Nav. Between the three of them, they owned enough land to make Chrysalis jealous.”

“Why the fuck would they come here by themselves, with just one mercenary as a guard?”

“Because I don’t make a habit of allowing hired swords in my city, Navarone. I didn’t tell anypony in the press that Pertz would be in town until the day before the trial and I made sure to schedule his punishment extremely close to the trial, so they wouldn’t have time to get any of their personal troops here. They came themselves because almost all nobles go through several self-defense and advanced magic courses, enough to make them more than a match for any group of common guards or any manner of prison cell.”

“Oh. Huh.” She looked back at the bodies and lifted a hoof to her chin. “So this might end up in a court?”

“If you had just killed them by yourself, yes. But with Captain Midnight and the mercenary to back you up, it shouldn’t come to that. We won’t be able to claim you killed Pertz as he was trying to escape, but that is just a minor issue.” Her horn lit up and the bodies and blood disappeared. “I’ll put them on ice, to be dealt with in the morning. I’ll also arrange to have that mercenary found and detained, if Captain Midnight hasn’t already handled it.” She turned back to me finally. “I want you to very seriously consider something for me, Nav.”

“What, the consequences for killing rich assholes?”

“No, the benefits of killing rich assholes. Do not turn me down offhand, Navarone. What I’m offering is an extremely important opportunity, one that you don’t have to take. But I want you to think on it for a while, regardless.”

“...Okay?”

“Between removing these three and Pertz, a huge amount of land just opened up, along with estates, wealth, and hundreds of opportunities. By all rights, I can make you a lord… or a lady, in this case. An actual member of nobility, with a clear heraldry and a title that will follow your family line. Which would mean Taya and her children, of course. You already have the money and influence for it. This would just make it official, and guarantee that it would all pass down to Taya in the event that something happens to you.” I opened my mouth to reply, but she pushed a hoof on it. “Don’t say anything, Nav. Think about it. Don’t deny it offhoof because you can’t stand the idea of being ritzy. Think about the benefits. All of them. And think about what it could mean… for us. Okay?” After several seconds of thought, I slowly nodded. She smiled, then teleported off.

“So that’s never gonna happen,” I casually said, placing the doll back on the floor and sitting in the chair again.

“Let a mare dream,” Flo sighed.

“Dreams are for winners, Flo.” I could practically feel her rolling her eyes as I went back to the dream world.

Half an hour later, Flo jolted me awake with such a shock of adrenaline that I literally jumped out of the chair. That threw Blossom off me and I whirled on her, my sword in my hand before I even knew what I was doing. When I saw her there, a light blue haze overlaid my vision and my body started shaking slightly. Blossom looked on in shock as Flo pulled back the adrenaline she dumped into my body, calming me down without making me completely crash.

“What the hell was that?” I hissed when I had control of my body again.

“I just… wanted to surprise you,” Blossom quietly said. “It looked like you were sleeping, so I floated over and, well, poked you with my fangs…”

Flo coughed lightly in my head. “I thought it was an attacker and didn’t take time to assess the situation.”

“I was not fully asleep,” I said, putting my sword away. “Long story short, I have an entity in my head that’s always vigilant. It can hear intruders coming. If you had just normally walked up, I would have been ready. When the thing in my head realized you were there, it went into overdrive and pumped me full of energy. So basically, please don’t do that again.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” she said, finally standing back up. “It appears the cleanup crew was thorough.”

“Yep.” She didn’t reply for several seconds, probably waiting for more. “So did you need something? Or did you just want to say hi?”

“I’m here to stand guard with you, Nav. And saying ‘no’ isn’t an option. I will either stand guard with you or I will stand guard at the other side of the hallway. I know you don’t need me, but Pertz is dangerous and I’m not going to risk him getting free.”

It’s tempting to tell her that Pertz is dead, but… I shrugged and ruffled her mane. “Happy to have you with me, Blossom.” Of course, that made her glare at me, but she looked too adorable for me to regret it. After a few moments of glaring, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, putting her hair back in its proper place.

Since it seemed she was there for the long haul, I sat back in the chair. She plopped her ass on the floor, though I’m pretty sure that was against normal guard regulations. “By the way, the dance is tomorrow… Well, I guess it’s actually just tonight, now. Are you prepared for it?”

“Yeah, Fleur got me set up. The clothes are supposed to be delivered today. I don’t actually know where it is, so you’ll have to meet me and take me there.”

She nodded. “Of course. I’ll have a chariot take us, since you still can’t fly. Fleur partially planned it with me in mind; it doesn’t begin until an hour after Celestia lowers the sun.”

“Coolio. I’ll be ready.” She nodded and we fell back into silence. After about a minute, I shrugged and asked, “You wanna play I Spy?”

“Nav, this entire hall is grey and empty.”

“Alright, yeah, fair enough.” I started slowly kicking my legs back and forth. She awkwardly cleared her throat. “So… Why don’t you like being pet?”

“It’s depony-izing. And I can’t feel it anyway.”

“Oh. Well, if anyone walks in, we’ll probably end up killing them anyway. Can I pet you, just to let you try it?”

She rolled her eyes. “No. And don’t ask again, or I’ll break into your mind, make you think you’re a pony, and then spend all night rubbing your tummy.”

“...‘Kay.”

The awkward silence returned again. After another minute or two, she quietly asked, “So… wanna talk about stallions?”

“Sure.”

And so we did. It was boring.

No one else showed up that night. After we talked about dudes, we discussed some other stuff. Our pasts, our heroic deeds, our not so heroic deeds, I let her meet Flo and get filled up by her watery greatness. We also discussed some future plans and where she thought she might be going with Fleur’s friendship.

About an hour before the sun came up, we were pretty much out of things to talk about. The silence was back, but it wasn’t awkward anymore.

I knew it had to be broken, though. There was one more thing I needed to discuss with her, something that actually somewhat concerned me. “So. Where do you see yourself in fifty years, Blossom?” I asked.

She didn’t reply for a while. I know she heard me, because both of her ears started twitching. After about a minute, she quietly said, “I’ve asked myself that many times.”

“As it stands right now, you can’t stay in the guard. Celestia would find out your secret.”

“She would. I’ve thought about that.”

“Traveling is possible, but difficult for someone with your curse. You can only avoid the sun for so long.”

“It is. I’ve thought about that as well.”

“And when you muster out of the guard, you’ll probably have that enchantment removed. But the fangs would remain.”

“...They would. That is also something I have considered.”

“Then I have something new for you to consider. After the dance, let’s talk to Fleur. I want you to come out to Celestia.”

Both of her ears shot straight down. “She would kill me!”

“No, she will kill you if she finds out on her own. If Fleur and I are both there, and you’re wearing my ring of magic immunity, she won’t and can’t kill you. I’ve spoken to Celestia about you before. She very much values your service and your skill and thinks you’re a good commander. If I am there and vouch for you and Fleur is there and vouches for you, I think she won’t kill you. She might not allow you to remain in the guard, but I don’t think she’ll kill you. And we’ll tell her to talk to Luna and the night guards themselves. If we all support you, I know she’ll allow you to live and I’m almost positive she’ll allow you to keep your position. And of course, the longer you wait, the less happy she’ll be when she finds out.”

She remained silent again, though her ears were going haywire. For a second, I thought I may have broken them or something. Finally, they returned to normality and she hastily shook her head. “No, I can’t. I… just can’t!”

I slid off the chair and put both my hands on her shoulders, to make her look me in the eyes. She actually seemed horrified. “Blossom, you have friends. We want you to be happy and we want you to be able to live openly. We are your strength when you find yourself lacking. With us by your side, you are plenty strong enough to do this. If you truly don’t want to tell her, we won’t force you. But if Fleur was able to find out your secret, you can bet your ass that Celestia can. And if she does, we probably won’t be able to help you. So please, while I’m in town and while Fleur is still at the height of her power, let us help you. Let us give you strength.”

She carefully bit her lip with one of her fangs, looking away. After a few minutes, she lifted a hoof to one of my hands and carefully pulled it away. “I… I need to go, Nav. I’ll stop by your room tonight…” Before I could try to stop her, she burst into smoke and drifted off, leaving the hallway feeling strangely empty.

When the smoke was fully gone, I sighed and fell back into the chair. “Flo, you really need to start taking over when I begin fucking these things up.”

“I cannot force someone to do something they absolutely refuse to do, Nav. And hearing the words coming from you would mean infinitely more than anything coming from me. Try as I might, I would lack the kind of earnesty that comes from true friendship.”

“Man, that’s some bullshit and you know it. My voice has just about no inflection in it. Literally anything would be an improvement.”

“No, literally anything would remove the earnesty. If your only tone is monotonous, suddenly putting something there would make people doubt your sincerity. They’d think it was fake. Also, your eyes would change color.”

“Fuck, forgot that part. Fine, whatever. What do you think she’ll do?”

“Now that, I don’t know. It’s hard to read her. She’ll probably come around, but she might not. I’d advise against speaking to Fleur about it unless Blossom changes her mind.”

“Yep. Ah well, whatevs. At least we got to actually talk about some shit. Next time, I should offer to help her practice making out.”

“Nav, she’s a corpse. She probably tastes bad.”

“Maybe. Think I should offer to let her practice eating chicks out, instead?”

I got smacked for that one, unsurprisingly. “I have no idea how your mind always manages to stay in the gutter.”

“It’s a talent, trust me. One that was well-cultivated.” She sighed in utter disappointment.

Another hour later, two day guards came by with a note from Celestia. It was sealed with her stamp and had her typical cutesy shit in it, so I figured it was legit enough. They took over guarding the empty room and I met Celestia for breakfast, carrying the voodoo doll with me.

“So can I keep this?” I asked when I sat down.

She eyed the doll for a moment before shrugging. “After I remove the enchantment, yes. But I refuse to give you the power to toy with my body however you like, whenever you like. I assume the rest of the night was uneventful?”

“You assume correctly. Three of the six on your list are down.”

“Half is honestly more than I was expecting. That is excellent news.”

“...Ponies are dead, Celestia. Do you really consider that good news?”

She sighed and leaned forward to put a hoof on one of my hands. “Nav, moralizing doesn’t work very well when it’s coming from the person who killed those ponies. Yes, given the choice, I’d rather them be alive and working with me rather than dead because they were working against me. But they were working against me, they couldn’t be turned to work for me, and now they can’t work against me anymore. I do not celebrate the fact that they are dead, Nav. I celebrate the fact that three extremely powerful and popular nobles that worked against me are no longer capable of working against me.”

I sighed and leaned back, pulling away from her touch. “This shit is getting fucked, Celestia. I know you value Luna’s advice and I know you want her to feel included after her thousand year absence, but why the fuck are you following her advice? She is evil and psychotic. You are better than this.”

“Once again, this moralization is coming slightly late. I am aware that my sister is flawed, but—”

“Evil, Celestia. Not flawed, evil. There is a very vast difference. A flawed person can recognize mistakes. An evil person gets told they made a mistake and says the person who pointed it out is wrong. She is a murderer, a torturer, a rapist, a traitor—”

Celestia slammed a hoof on the table, clattering all the silverware. “She is my sister! For over five thousand years, she was my sister! My hooves, my eyes, my ears, my nose to the ground! She was my sword, my spear, the instrument that made my will a reality! And in time, she became wise to the ways of the world, Nav. The true, dark, unpleasant world. The world I strived to hide from my ponies, the world she helped keep at bay for them! And you would have me undo all the work we both did! You would have me undo six thousand years of history, Navarone. Both by ignoring her advice and personally selling myself out. Do you see the irreality in that demand? The complete disregard for what we have accomplished? Can you even comprehend what you have asked of me? Do you know how wholly and completely this would shatter not just my sister and I, but the entirety of all pony civilization?”

I slowly leaned back forward and placed my hands on the table. After a few seconds to compose my response, I quietly said, “You have six thousand years of history, Celestia. Behind me, I have tens of millions. Billions, maybe. I have cycle after cycle of life birthed and life eradicated. I know human history. I know elemental history. I know of some cycles in between. Forget emotion, because this isn’t about that. Forget yourself, because this isn’t about you. And this isn’t about Luna. This is about the future of life itself. Literally all life. Discord wants to die, Celestia. He tried to kill himself by completely eradicating all of humanity. He couldn’t kill us all before we made new life. But don’t think that means he stopped trying. Each cycle begins with a new form of life growing into power and each cycle ends with that form of life being eradicated almost to a man. Following your path of lies and darkness and evil—yes, Celestia, evil, because that is what you are, deny it or not—gives him power. It gives him the ability to eradicate you in the end. If that is what you want, I have no place in this kingdom. If you would prefer living in your small kingdom and keeping the peace by evil methods, then I will take my leave and continue on my journey to try to save all life. But if you want to live in the wide world and help me save it, I will happily find a place at your side.”

She stared at me for some time. Finally, she pulled her hoof off the table. Her horn lit up and a piece of paper and a pen appeared. She placed it on the table and slowly wrote out a letter. When it was done, she set the pen on the table and looked back up at me. “I am about to set in motion a series of events that will very probably destroy all or most of my power, Navarone.”

“Your ponies love you, Celestia. Because of that, they deserve to hear the truth. I believe they will, in the end, find it preferable to lies. You will have plenty of friends at your side, myself included.”

Her horn lit up brighter and nothing happened. She eyed my gloved hand before standing, walking over to where I was sitting, and kissing me deeply. It lasted nearly a minute, and when she was done, she sat back in her chair and magicked the letter away. “And so it begins.”

“Where did that letter go?”

“Chrysalis. I requested an immediate audience. We will sequester ourselves for some time, I imagine.”

“Oh, I doubt it’ll take long,” I said with a small smile. “I had a conversation or two with her as well.” Her ears twitched slightly. “Oh, and she prefers Moonbeam now.” That actually made her mouth drop. “Not everyone revels in being a bad person, Celestia.”

And it snapped shut. “I am also not one of them. But I need to speak with her about more than just that. And I need to eat before she replies.” She shuddered. “The food in the hives is absolutely awful.” With that, she finally shut her trap so we could start eating.

She didn’t get to finish before a letter materialized next to her. She floated it up and read over it, then set it on the table without commenting on it. When she finished shoveling mounds of food into her corpulent body, she gracefully patted her mouth with a napkin and picked the letter back up. “Chrys… Moonbeam has agreed to my request.” She fell silent and read over it again. “She actually signed it as Queen Moonbeam.” She looked back over to me. “What in Tartarus did you say to her?”

“Oh, this and that. She wanted to change. All it took was a catalyst. When are you going to see her?”

“As soon as I speak to my advisors and let them know I shall be gone for the day.”

“Ah.”

“Yes…” She sighed and her wings flapped once. “I was looking forward to discussing your prophecies and a few other things with you.”

I shrugged. “I’ll be here for a little while. There’s plenty of time.”

“True. And if all else fails, I can discuss them with Twilight or Zecora. I’m sure both would be happy to talk.”

“Yep. Say, when you see Chrysalis, can you give her a kiss for me? And maybe a swat on the ass?”

“No. I’ll see you when I get back, Nav.” She hopped to her feet, then seemed to shrink back for a moment before shaking herself. “And thank you. Truly and deeply, thank you. Moonbeam was not the only one looking for a catalyst.”

Before I could reply, she trotted out.

At least I got to watch her sexy ass bounce.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Three — The Great Outing

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Three — The Great Outing

The first thing I did after getting back to my room was put the little Celestia doll thing out of the way, on the bed. Then I stripped out of my armor. It was hot and uncomfortable, even in the late fall chill. The third thing I did was get a fire going in the small fireplace each room seemed to have. Thankfully, it was magic, so I didn’t need wood and making it work and stay working was simple. Then I threw the packet of pictures and notes into it, letting it all burn.

“So, thoughts?” I quietly asked.

“The world is turning for the first time in a long time, Nav,” Flo said. “In more ways than one. I very sincerely hope we are correct about Discord’s nature. If not, we could be condemning Celestia for nothing.”

“And if we are right, she would have condemned herself and all her people. She’s wily. If anyone can bounce back, it’ll be her.”

“True. And my sisters and I will talk with her about taking one of us as an advisor, if she’d have us. And perhaps talk to Luna as well. Having one of us to temper her obvious insanity seems like a wise proposition to me.”

“Yeah, if you can ever find the crazy bitch. If she’s somewhere that not even Reginald can get to, it’s gotta be somewhere bad. And I imagine she’ll be there for a while, too.”

“Perhaps. I imagine if my sisters and I speak to Celestia, we can get the location from her. Especially if we promise to assist her sister in repairing her mind. Where one can go, another can follow… should they prove determined enough.”

“Tch. Good luck with that. I’d just as soon leave her to rot.” Since I had nothing else to do until the stupid dance thing, I slid onto bed. Something felt off, oddly enough. After a moment, I looked at the stupid Celestia plush. “So what’s Taya doing?” I idly asked, cuddling the doll.

“I don’t know. I left the ship a few hours ago. I should get to Canterlot soon, at the rate I’m moving. If I had to guess, I’d say missing you and practicing magic with one of the guards.”

“That was pretty much my guess, too. I was just going to get you to hug her for me.”

“Well, I did hug her before I left, but I did it for me instead of you. Still, you can pretend.”

“I am pretending. It’s just not the same.” Stupid Celestia plush… “Dolls don’t make the same sarcastic and biting comments. They also don’t hug back, or do awkward and cute things that make you smile.”

“Or watch you while you sleep, try on your clothes when you’re not there, or constantly think about having sex with you.”

“So yeah, they do have some upsides. It’s also not nearly as warm.”

“I’ll be sure to remember how much you missed cuddling when I get there.”

I scoffed and rolled slightly before remembering the cast on my wing. “You’re not an adorable filly that also happens to be my daughter. She’s warm and soft and loving. You’re cold and wet and mean.”

She was silent for a few seconds, then I felt something caressing my inner thigh. “I can also do things to you that she cannot.” That caress moved a little higher. “Things you so dearly crave.” Something else brushed against my chest, making me shiver. “I can give you all manner of delights. Don’t be so quick to deny me my cuddles, my lovely little human. They’ll bring you a much… baser joy than hers.”

“You’re just j-jealous…” My legs started to shift without me even thinking about it. “But it… it has been a little while…”

She finally started touching where I wanted her to touch, and I felt something weird brush across my face. “Well guess what?” she quietly whispered.

“...What?”

“You’re gonna have to wait.” All the sensations immediately stopped, leaving me breathing heavily. “I think I learned quite a lot from Chrysalis, don’t you?”

“F-fuck you!”

“You wish, silly!” She mimicked patting me on the cheek, making me growl. “Oh, you’re so adorable. Maybe if you beg, I’ll let you have some fun…”

“Nope, you’re not Twilight. You’re not sexy enough to beg to.” She chuckled. “I’m sure I won’t have to look far to find someone willing to give me what you’re not kind enough to. And of course, I can always visit Celestia’s room. I know where she keeps some things…”

“Oh, by all means,” she said. “Feel free to find a mare or stallion that would be all too happy to spread the word of how you approached them like a mare in heat. Or go into Celestia’s room alone and spend enough time there to give all the guards no illusions as to how you’re spending your time.”

“Yeah, well, joke’s on you: The shower head’s detachable, and I can still pretend it’s you.” I set the doll down and went to go take a nice, hot shower.

Flo was totally ~~jealous~~ apathetic about my desire to spend time with a lifeless object. It’s hardly my fault that the shower head is the only one who understands me...

The clothes Fleur ordered for me came around midday, in several large packages. The castle servants collected them from whoever brought them and delivered them to me, so I didn’t even get to see who brought them. It also means I didn’t have to tip them, so I wasn’t complaining.

Thankfully, Fleur didn’t renege upon her word; most of the clothing I got was normal stuff. Namely, shirts and pants. There were three sets of blouses and skirts, I guess on the off chance I ever needed to look like a chick.

And then there was the dress.

The motherfucking dress.

All things told, it really wasn’t that bad. Or I should rather say, I’m surprised it wasn’t worse. I guess the gay dude that Photo Finish took me to took one look at my hair and decided I could go with a ‘fall’ look, because the entire dress looked like a forest floor in late autumn. Every few inches had a new color shade, varying from light orange to red, fitting my hair. From the outside, it looked fairly form fitting, so what few curves I had would be in full view. One of its saving graces is that it didn’t come with high heeled shoes. I was already so much taller than the average pony that they presumably figured regular sandals would work. It was one of the flowy dresses with a small tail that dragged at the ground, so I’d have a trip hazard anyway.

So it looked like a nice dress… to see on someone else. I really didn’t want to see myself in that piece of shit at all. But everyone already knew I was a chick and I already agreed to it, so I figured if it ended up being too bad, I could have Flo censor the worst of it in my memories.

To that end, I decided fuck it, I might as well go full retard. Two hours before I figured Blossom would stop by to get me, I started putting on make-up. Fleur also had a kit of that sent to me, though I can’t imagine she thought I actually knew how to use the stuff. The monkeys unfortunately trained me well, and Flo was able to fill in where my own memory failed me.

When I finished the makeup, I started working on my hair. I honestly wish I had literally anything else to do, but a completely clear schedule meant I had time to spend on beautifying. That meant my hair actually got braided, using some of the bullshit Ava implanted on my mind. Braiding my own hair wasn’t exactly easy, but between fits of laughing at me, Flo was able to help.

By the time I was done with all that, I had about half an hour before I figured Blossom might show up. Getting into a dress wouldn’t take me nearly that long, so I chose to chill for a little while, staring at the mirror and wondering where in life I went wrong.

Pondering about my personal failings can eat up minutes really easily. When the time came, I sighed and finally started putting on the dress. “It’s not too late for you to kill me, is it?” I sighed as I pulled it on.

“I’m afraid it’s always been too late for that,” Flo said. “You aren’t allowed to have nice things, remember? That’s why you’re in a beautiful dress, covered in gorgeous makeup, with lovely braided hair, waiting for a date to an adorable vampire bat pony night guard captain. I bet your parents would be so proud!”

“That their son was a tranny or that their son was taking a horse on a date?”

“Yes!”

I eyed one of my knives, feeling my fists clenching. Unfortunately, Flo wouldn’t let me do the honorable thing, so I slowly loosened my fists, then slid the slender silk gloves on over my ring. I’m really surprised I wasn’t also given stupidly risque lingerie, but I guess Fleur decided that having none would be sexier for any potential dates. Or she didn’t want it to show under the form-fitting dress.

“Do you think I could at least get away with carrying a few weapons?”

“Nope. You’ll have to trust any guards there. And your date, of course.” She chuckled and made me feel like someone was patting my head. “Remember, Nav: Words are weapons. Use them wisely.”

Before I could tell her to go fuck herself, someone knocked on my door. I immediately flinched, but I only considered jumping out the window for a second. Instead, I walked over and answered it. Of course, it was Blossom.

As soon as she saw me, she blinked. “What the buck?” Her dress was a lot simpler. It was blue, slightly darker than Luna’s fur. She had no makeup and her hair looked just about the same. The only other difference is that instead of her standard guard shoes, she had some kind of nice sandals and long socks on each leg. So basically, she made me look ridiculously overdressed.

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” I shot back. “We’re going to a fancy party, right? So I dressed up.”

“You… you’re wearing a dress. And is that… is that makeup?”

“Yeah. Fleur asked me to.”

“...Fleur asked you to put on makeup.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Well, not so much that part. But the dress, yeah. I figured, you know, fuck it. Everyone knows I’m a chick at this point. And there doesn’t seem to be any way to turn back, so it’s not like I have anything to lose. Might as well go all in.”

She contemplated that for a few long seconds before asking, “Who did your makeup?”

“Me. Long story, don’t ask.”

“...I won’t ask if you do mine.”

Um. “Alright, I guess? Come on in.” She stepped in, kicking the door shut behind her. “We might be a little late, though.”

“Being late is fashionable at these things.” She awkwardly stood there for a little while, shuffling her hooves. “So…”

“So what? Come on over.” I walked to where I set the makeup case down. It didn’t have too many options, but I figured I could prettify her up quickly and easily. Horse faces are definitely different from human faces, but I’ve seen plenty with makeup and it didn’t look different enough to matter much.

“I’ve never… had this done before,” she awkwardly said, coming over to stand next to me. “And with my condition, it’s not like I can do it myself anyway…” She looked at the mirror she was standing in front of. All that greeted her was an empty dress.

“Well, there’s a first time for everything and all that.” I popped open the case and said, “Try not to move and do what I tell you…” She actually gulped and then stood stock still. “I guess it’s a little easier when you don’t have to breathe and your heart isn’t beating, huh?” She rolled her eyes and I got started.

About fifteen or so minutes later, she was actually dolled up pretty nicely, making her even more adorable than usual. I had to stop myself from pinching her cheeks. Or, you know, demanding she get on the bed so I could have my way with her. When I was finally finished, she slowly looked back at the mirror. This time, she got to see makeup around her face and an empty dress. She sighed and looked down.

“You don’t need a mirror to tell you jack shit when you have friends. And your friend is telling you that you’re beautiful, Blossom.” That made her smile, though she was still looking down. “Now how about we go get gawked at by a bunch of rich assholes?”

“You’re really pretty too, Nav,” she quietly said. “Thank you for doing all of this for me…”

“I am always willing to help friends, Blossom. I won’t say happy to help in this instance, but I’m definitely willing.” Her ears started twitching slightly, but I didn’t pay them any mind. “Now, have you eaten tonight?”

“Yes. And I don’t… I don’t think I’ll need to get any of yours before we go.”

“Cool. Then shall we?”

“Yes. I have a chariot waiting on us, actually. Hopefully they didn’t mind waiting a little extra.”

“If they do, I’ll just wink, shake my hips, and rub their ears. That’ll make them happy again.” She actually grinned, showing off her cute fangs. “So lead the way.”

“I think if I lead the whole way, your eyes will be in a very wrong place.” She stepped into the hall and waited for me to close the door, then walk next to her. “So let’s just walk together.”

“For what it’s worth, you were absolutely correct. I would have been staring at the ceiling the whole time.” She rolled her eyes again. “Hey, it’s really detailed! You can’t blame me for what the architect did.”

“I don’t know how I always get tricked by your bait. I should really see it coming by now, but you still get me every time.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re being silly.” She snorted. “So before we get to the chariot, let’s go over some shit real quick.”

“Such as?”

“First off, whether we’re going as a couple or as friends. That’s going to be a thing we’re asked and I’d rather go ahead and settle the bill, so to say.”

Silence set in for a few long seconds before she slowly asked, “Has Fleur told you the reason for this dance?”

“So her husband can come out.”

She quickly nodded. “Between the two of us, we are going as friends. To everyone else, we are going as a couple.”

“Alright, cool. Then that brings up two points. First, when we dance—there is no if, because we aren’t allowed to have nice things—I’m taking the lead.”

“Agreed. I know just the bare basics, and those basics are just about following. Point two?”

That made it my turn to be quiet for a few moments. “Aw, fuck it. At some point tonight, I’m going to pet you. Probably play with your ears, pat your head, stuff like that. It’s going to happen. I’m just warning you now.”

“If you make it the whole night without petting me, I’ll make it worth your while.”

God dammit. “Sounds kinky. I’ll do my best, but it’ll probably happen. Ponies are just too adorable, and I tend to get touchy with those I really like. I haven’t done it yet because you pretend it’s really offensive just to be difficult, but that might change tonight, just on accident.”

She didn’t reply for a few moments. Before doing so, she shook her head. “Are all humans this strange, or just the ones that go through Tartarus, almost get killed several times, and get genderswapped?”

“I don’t really have much of a frame of reference for that. But I’m perfectly normal. I think you’re the strange one here.”

She might have wanted to continue that debate, but we passed a pair of guards that both immediately started gaping when they saw us. So she chose to glare at them instead. “Is there a problem, troopers?” she snapped.

That made them both shoot to attention. “N-no ma’am!” one hastily said.

“See to it that it stays that way. And I’m not on duty, so don’t come to attention.” They both gulped and we continued on our way. I imagine their eyes followed us until we turned a corner. “Tch, stallions.”

“Hey, I’ve met plenty of licentious chicks in my time. That is most definitely not a gender-specific thing. In fact, I’ve probably met more sex-hungry chicks than I have dudes.”

She looked at me for a moment before shrugging and looking back ahead. “Maybe. Or maybe you just haven’t been a mare long enough to run into too many straight sex-hungry stallions. There’s always plenty at these parties, in my experience, and not all of them are happy to have their mare of choice decline.”

“Hm. Well, I certainly prefer a more feminine touch, but I’ve been known to partake in pleasures of a more masculine sort. But I imagine doing such a thing while on a date is fairly rude, so I’ll happily stay by your side. So unless you decide to go for a threesome—”

“I won’t.”

“Just sayin’. They may not like hearing a no, but that’s all they’re going to get from me tonight.”

“I’d advise you change your inclinations entirely. Once a pony’s reputation in Canterlot is tainted by being too easy, either mare or stallion, that reputation tends to stay tainted. From what I’ve heard, you already have many rumors around you. Giving proof to those rumors would be unwise, should you choose to seek a relationship in the future. Stick to friends and toys, because they won’t talk. Don’t give it up for any stallion or mare that slips you an invitation.”

I sighed, my shoulders slouching slightly. It says something about my character that people have to constantly remind me not to be a slut. Flo snorted. “That takes half the fun out of it… Fine, I guess. But you’re my friend and you just told me to keep it to friends, so I hope that tongue of yours is still plenty willing!”

Blossom smiled back at me. “I did promise you a reward tonight if you behaved, didn’t I?”

The quiet returned for a few moments as I pretended to consider what she said. Finally, I rolled my eyes. “So much for friendship being unconditional.”

She actually chuckled. “Friendship is. Extra benefits are not.”

I wanted to shoot something back, but we finally made it to the chariot pool. A few off-duty guards were milling around and one was talking to the two night guards hooked up to one of the chariots. Blossom only paused for a moment, then set her body in her typical command stance and walked up to them.

Needless to say, we both got ogled even more. And these guards were off duty, so there was nothing she could do about it. There was also nothing I particularly cared to do about it anymore, honestly. I’ve found myself resigned to my fate, for better or worse.

“My apologies for the delay, guards,” she said when we got close enough. The off duty guard that was talking to them dipped as soon as she spoke, probably finding somewhere to stare at us from beyond yelling range. “Are you still willing to take us?”

“Of course, Captain,” one of them said with a nod. “With… um, Lady Navarone’s injury, you’d have to walk otherwise.”

“I may be a woman, but I am no lady,” I said with a sweet smile. “So if you call me that again, I’ll see to it that you join my predicament.” The other guard snickered and Blossom gave me a sidelong glance that probably advised me to be nicer. “But I thank you for the concern and the assistance. Shall we head underway?”

“You’ve been on a boat too long,” Blossom said, stepping onto the chariot. Before I could follow her, she lifted a hoof out for me. I eyed it for a second, wondering if she was actually serious. Then I remembered that I already said fuck it and that I was going all in, so I gingerly took it and allowed her to help me step aboard. To be fair, with that dress, it was probably wiser that I allowed her to help me anyway.

“I believe I’ll soon be on that boat for a while longer. I certainly feel my presence is needed there much more than in Canterlot.”

Blossom let my hand go and placed her hoof on the front of the chariot as the guards started to take off. “That depends entirely upon who you ask,” she quietly replied. The others probably didn’t hear it, which told me that I wasn’t meant to reply.

I did want to ask who thought I was better off in Canterlot, though. Three thoughts came to my mind: her, Celestia, and Fleur. Honestly, they probably all prefered I stayed there, though Celestia was likely the only one who knew why I couldn’t.

Not that it mattered. I decide where I belong, and Canterlot wasn’t it. There were certainly benefits and I had friends there, but I was most definitely needed elsewhere. And honestly, I most definitely wished I was there. I found myself missing my daughter more and more.

“So is there any intel about this party I should have before we get there?” I asked.

“You know the nobles you killed last night?” she asked.

“No. I mean, I remember killing them, but I have no clue who any of them were.” Or at least, as far as she knew, I didn’t.

“Well, they had plenty of friends. If you go far enough back in bloodlines, almost every rich pony in Canterlot is related.”

“I feel like that explains some things.”

The guards pulling us laughed, but she didn’t even crack a smile. “Some of those friends are going to be here. Be very careful about what you say, Nav. Weapons will do you nothing but get you arrested here, with the kind of charges not even Princess Celestia can easily ignore.”

“If she can ignore Luna’s charges, I’m sure she can ignore just about anything.” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “That said, I didn’t bring any weapons for a reason. I have no intention of fighting. This is Fleur’s party. I’m here for her and her husband, not to pick fights with rich assholes.”

“Well, just know that some ponies might well accuse you of murder. After what happened with Blueblood, Pertz, and those three nobles, many of them are probably wondering if you’re some manner of assassin working with Celestia to weed out her troublemakers. I hope you have a thick skin and a good ability to talk around issues. Bluntness will get you nowhere here.”

“You would be very surprised at how far obfuscating bluntness and fake stupidity has gotten me. But I’ll play your pretty little socialite for the night. After dealing with the directness of combat for a few weeks, some time off with some more subtle warfare will be nice.”

She gripped the rail harder for a moment before easing off. “I know you are intelligent, Nav. And I know you’ve hidden that from most of the ponies in Canterlot for a long time. If you want any manner of future here in this city, tonight is your time to shine. Show these ponies you’re more than a warrior.”

“Oh, I very much plan on it…” I quietly replied with what I liked to think was a very sinister grin. The effect was somewhat ruined given that she wasn’t even looking at me, but it felt good anyway.

Apparently Fleur wasn’t using her own house for this party. We put down in front of a mansion that was definitely larger than hers. This place was decked out in all kinds of opulent shit. The gardens were covered in blooming flowers, with small birds and bees flitting between them even though it was dark. Two massive flags hung out in front, one with Celestia’s mark on it and the other with the same mark Fancy Pants had on his armor during the war games. Several towers jutted out of the palace, symmetrically placed on both sides. Every other one seemed to have a pegasus at attention, though none of them wore any kind of armor that I could see. The ones without pegasi had more flags, all smaller than the two at the front.

A few nobles dotted the areas in the gardens that I could see, and a few more were entering when we arrived. It took a moment or two for the word to spread, but when they all realized that someone was coming in on a royal carriage pulled by actual guards, conversations halted so everyone could see who had arrived.

I’m ashamed to say I found a sick joy when all of their mouths dropped. Between Blossom actually showing up to a party and me dressed like a chick, each one of the nobles was absolutely floored. In the dark, it was hard to tell where eyes were pointing, but it looked like several of them were looking back and forth between me and Blossom. It was a lot more amusing than it should have been.

When the chariot stopped moving, one of the guards looked back at his captain. “We’ve arrived. Do you have any other orders for us, ma’am?”

“Return to the palace for now. The party ends in three hours. Come get us then.”

The guards looked at each other for a moment before they both looked at her. The other one said, “Are you sure you don’t want us to stay, ma’am? Nav’s injured, neither of you are in armor, and, well…”

“This is a party of the elite. There is nothing to fear here but hurt feelings and dashed reputations.”

One of them looked at me. Or rather, my chest. “The Gala two years ago was also a party of the elite…”

I rubbed at the spot where Blueblood stabbed me and grimaced for a moment. Then I said, “Blueblood was corrupted by a demon of discord. I don’t think something like that will happen again. We’ll be fine.”

They looked at each other again before shrugging. “We’ll come to get you in three hours, my lady.” Before I could tell them to go fuck themselves again, they took off.

“Well then, shall we?” Blossom sweetly asked, putting on a blank smile.

“Let’s, my dear.” I spent enough time as a queen to know how to lock an empty smile on my face. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that to be a skill Blossom had, but whatever.

We walked toward the palace together, both of us going fairly slow. Ladies never had a reason to hurry, after all. And of course, hurrying in my dress would have been pretty difficult anyway. Somewhat surprisingly, none of the nobles spoke to us, so we got to the doormen without stopping.

“Captain Midnight Blossom and Navarone, Royal Savior and Defender of Harmony,” one of them said, smiling. “We’re pleased that you decided to come. Would you like to be announced?”

“No, thank you,” Blossom said. “Our entrance will likely attract plenty of attention on its own. More is unnecessary.”

The fellow that spoke bowed his head for a moment. “As you command, Captain. If you need any assistance or have any requests, there are plenty of servants to accommodate you. Missus Fleur de Lis requested that you both seek her out when you arrive. If you need help finding her, one of us will happily join you.”

“The offer is appreciated, but we’ll be fine,” I said. The way I figured, finding the most social person at the party probably wouldn’t be all too difficult. Especially given how fucking tall she is compared to most of the ponies.

The dude bowed his head again. “Then please, feel free to enter at your leisure.” The other guy slowly pushed the doors open for us. Blossom looked up at me for just a moment before we both finally entered the ridiculously stupid party.

The first thing I noticed was a strange cacophony of really nice scents. Someone obviously had a large buffet set up somewhere, but I also picked up a heavy undertone of perfumes and colognes. The second thing that hit me was the heat. It felt like there was some kind of magical heating, because a fireplace wouldn’t suffuse even the entryway like that.

And then I got to see the guests. The ones inside were apparently either more subtle or higher ranking than the ones wandering about outside, so none of them openly gaped at us. But we definitely got a few heavy looks, and this time a lot more of them were directed at me. I saw some anger instead of surprise, and those looks tended to last slightly longer before their owners turned their attention back to whatever they were doing before. There were maybe a dozen couples in the first room alone, so I couldn’t help but wonder just how many little horses Fleur invited to the shindig.

The room itself was a lot more fancy than the outside, surprisingly. A few magical globes of light slowly circled around the ceiling, leaving almost no shadows. Each wall was lined with alcoves that had large flower pots full of all kinds of magically-grown flowers. One side seemed dedicated to things that grew during the day, and had a portrait of Celestia as a centerpiece. The other was governed by things that bloomed under the shadow of the moon, and had some ugly donkey-looking portrait on the wall.

Flo has informed me that was a rude thing to write, and that I should call Princess Luna by her proper name.

My surprise at seeing a picture of Luna still up disappeared fairly quickly as I forced myself back to calmness. Showing any signs of weakness in front of that many vultures wouldn’t be wise.

Just as I forced my hands to unclench, a couple approached us. “Captain Midnight, we’re all quite surprised to see you here. We were under the impression that you thought such gatherings were… distasteful,” the stallion said with a wide smile.

“Ponies change, my lord,” she replied. “Fleur approached me privately recently and we’ve become friends. She requested that I attend a few of her parties. I decided that I have lived aloof for long enough. It is for the good of all ponies that the guards meet and learn more about those we serve.”

“I am pleased to hear that, Captain,” he said, bending his knees ever-so-slightly. “There are many among the nobility that were of the opinion you thought very little of us. I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear you merely prefered your own company.”

Blossom’s eyes narrowed very slightly, but before she could say anything, the stallion’s wife said, “And you as well, Sir… or shall I say, Lady Navarone. It isn’t often that we see you attending a party in Canterlot. Especially one hosted by Lady Fleur de Lis…”

“Fleur and I had a very personal and private talk a few months ago,” I said. “After that, it was decided that silly feuding is beneath us. She is a very intriguing mare. When she decided to invite me to a party as a friend, I took her up on it. I may be a warrior by trade, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy some of the finer things—and people—in life.”

“You’ll certainly find no finer delicacies than here,” the stallion said. “Though truth be told, it seems that you’re both lacking a certain… guest for this particular party. No offense to either of you, but did you have difficulties finding dates? If you’re interested, I know plenty of stallions that would be quite happy to meet either of you.”

“We had no difficulties at all, actually,” I said, gently laying my hand on Blossom’s neck with a smile.

The look on his face went from welcoming to shocked very quickly. “I… I see. My apologies, then.” He looked away for a moment before his eyes found mine again. “Ah, excuse me, please…” He quickly made himself scarce, though his wife remained.

“What a pleasant fellow,” I calmly said, removing my hand from Blossom. She just barely stopped herself from snorting, and covered it up with a cough.

His wife watched him leave for a moment before looking at me. “There are not many mares… or mares that were once stallions… that would so freely admit to dating another mare.”

“I see no reason to hide it,” I said with a shrug. “What two or more adults freely do with their own bodies is of no concern to others, as long as all parties are consenting. And the heart wants what it wants. To deny it based solely on the gender it prefers is denying yourself happiness. We have one life to live, so we must live it as fully and as happily as we can.”

Blossom lightly brushed a wing against my arm. “You just love that thing I do with my tongue.”

“Also true.”

The mare seemed to be following along with what I was saying, until Blossom threw in her filthy talk. That broke the illusion and the mare blinked. “You have a… very progressive mind, Lady Navarone. Perhaps we can talk more later. I believe I should go tend to my husband.”

“Until later then, my lady,” I said, bending my neck. She answered with a bend of her knees and then hurried off after her husband. “That doesn’t count as petting, by the way.”

“I’m well aware.” She started walking deeper into the house. I followed, of course. We were supposed to be a couple for this thing, and all the other couples were together. It would look weird if we allowed ourselves to be separated, I guess.

And of course, I didn’t really trust her to behave on her own.

The next room was set up as the dining hall, it looked like. There were rows of food along each wall and several round tables set up in the center of the room. Where most of the couples in the previous room were standing in one spot, many of the couples here were roaming about seemingly randomly. But as I watched more closely, I noticed that there was a very specific order to it, like a ballet of fat people revolving around food.

So basically, any southern family at Thanksgiving.

I knew that song and dance very well. “What do you think?” I quietly asked my date.

“Regular food tastes like ashes,” she softly replied. “I think I’d rather avoid eating.”

Oh yeah. That. “I’ve eaten today. I can last a while on that.”

Before I could start trying to lead the way through, two fairly rotund unicorns with a few plates floating around them stepped in front of us. “It’s not common to see soldiers at a party like this,” the stallion said.

“We live in uncommon times,” I replied. “And on the same vein, we’re hardly common soldiers.”

“That is certainly true… ah, Lady Navarone,” he replied. “Truth be told, the food itself is worth the attendance.” To punctuate his statement, he took an uncomfortably large bite of some kind of spinach bun.

“Truly, Lady Fleur has quite a taste for delicacies,” his wife agreed. I thought about pointing out the alfalfa stuck right in between her front teeth, but decided I didn’t care enough.

My date took a small step forward. “It seems that many of the nobles of Canterlot have quite an eye for the finer things in life,” Blossom said.

“That is an eye and a taste that I regretfully lack,” I said. “My diet is… different from that of a pony. In respect of that, Fleur warned me beforehand that it would be unwise for me to partake, so Blossom and I ate before coming.”

“Surely there’s something here you could eat,” the lady insisted. One of the plates floated up in front of me. “Cupcakes directly from a bakery in Ponyville?” Sure enough, the plate definitely had some shit that came directly from Sugarcube Corner.

“I have a strict sugar limit,” I said. “My body can’t process it nearly as well as a pony can.” She sighed and plucked it from the plate to eat it whole.

“Blue oat grass, perhaps?” the husband asked, floating over another plate that was covered in some kind of fluffy blue grass.

“I can’t eat grass at all. It makes me sick.” He looked down for just a moment before gobbling all that shit up.

“Maybe delphinium, then?” his lardass whale of a wife asked, floating up a flower by the stem.

“Same for flowers. I can’t even stomach the taste of them.” She lifted an eyebrow before biting off the flower part and leaving the stem.

“What about hay?” the fatso piece of shit asked, proffering a plate of, sure enough, hay.

I just barely managed to keep my tone civil, and replied, “Hay is dried grass. I can’t eat grass, I can’t eat hay.” The dude shoved that down his gullet, too.

“So what can you eat?” his wife finally asked.

“Meat.” Blossom’s ears twitched. The husband and his wife looked somewhat sour for a short moment. “It is my nature, just as it’s a cat’s nature to hunt mice or a dog’s nature to hunt cats. And I put that nature to good use. There are many monsters in the Everfree. I hunt them and other monsters.”

“And yet…” his wife quietly said, looking me up and down.

“...You seem so skinny,” her husband finished, eyeing my stomach.

“A healthy weight for humans and a healthy weight for ponies are two different numbers. I eat to satiety and stop. That way involves less killing.”

“I suppose it’s easy, being a pony,” the wife said, moving one of the plates in her magical grip. “Hunting isn’t a necessity, nor is risking our lives to obtain a meal. I certainly can’t complain…”

“And I certainly wouldn’t trade places,” her husband said with a nod. “There are far too many flavors in which to partake. I doubt I could live without trying them all!”

“Meat has its own flavors,” Blossom said. “Though I imagine it tastes quite differently to Nav than it does for us.”

“That is true,” I said. “I have the fortune,” ill or not, “of being friends with some powerful unicorns. Some of their spells allow for body trading or body changing. I’ve tasted pony foods in a pony body. I wouldn’t trade them for what I can eat. The benefit of being raised in a society of meat eaters is that you see no taboo in eating it. I know that Luna, at least, enjoyed eating meat. I found that out much to my misfortune.”

“So ponies can eat it…” the stallion slowly said.

“We can,” Blossom said with a nod. “Though it’s not the most healthy thing. I’d advise against it, for the most part.”

“I believe we’ll take our leave for now, my ladies,” the mare said, a strange look in her eyes. Both of them left, giggling slightly to themselves.

“So how long will it take for a news report saying two ponies turned feral after eating too much meat?” I asked.

“Judging by the look of them, tomorrow,” Blossom replied with a shrug. “Now let’s keep moving. The smell of cooked food makes me nauseous.”

I gingerly placed a hand on her back and slowly led her through the dance of dining. We didn’t grab any food, but getting to the other side was still no simple task. It involved some dodging, dipping, thankfully no diving, some ducking, and some more dodging. It was nothing I was unfamiliar with, given my past, but doing it in a dress was different.

The next room we entered seemed to be the main wing of the palace. There was a massive window on one side of the room that showed the front gardens and gates. The other side had a grand staircase that branched off on two sides. It led up to a second floor that had a loft where several noble couples were standing around, doing typical horse noble things.

There were a lot fewer nobles on the lower floor, which is where we happened to be. The rich marble from the dining hall was replaced with lush carpet, so the noise in that room was much more muted. The smell of food was replaced with the smell of perfume. The scent quickly grew stronger, to the point of being disgusting, as a couple walked over to us.

The stallion immediately struck me as a douchebag. I’m not gonna say it was the polo shirt or the khaki pants. Nor was it the spiky hair or the sunglasses he had pressed up over his horn. What made me think he was a douchebag was the way his mare simpered over him while he completely ignored her, and the extremely slutty dress she was wearing.

I hate it when I’m right.

“So what brings two lovely mares like yourselves to a party like this?”

“An invitation,” I coldly answered. I used to have a penis. I knew the game, and I had a feeling this dude’s mare wasn’t going to stop him from trying to play it on us.

“So how you likin’ it so far, huh?” he asked, looking down to Blossom.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” she asked.

“I’ve seen hundreds of pretty mares. But I guess I left quite an impression, heh.” He reached up and popped his collar, then lifted a hoof to look it over. “Yeah, I hear that a lot.”

It’s amazing how easy it is to remember disgust. “I’m sure you’ve heard of me, though,” I said, crossing my arms.

His eyes immediately shifted to a place they were most definitely not welcome, and he replied while still looking there. “Can’t say that I have. But I know a pair of fun-loving fillies when I see them. You two wanna ditch this place and come to my place? I think the four of us could have… all kinds of fun…” The chick hanging off his body had been essentially rubbing herself against him, but when he said that, she turned her gaze on us. I couldn’t tell if it was empty because she was stupid or empty because she was afraid of being replaced.

Either way, I didn’t have to bother answering. “And what kinds of fun could we have with a stallion, hm?” Blossom asked, pressing her side against my leg. I smiled and warmly placed a hand on her head.

The dude actually smiled wider. “I’m sure I could come up with a few things… But honestly, I might be happy just to watch! Well, if you don’t mind letting me possibly make a guest appearance… Though of course, you’re free to watch instead…”

“You’d have to offer quite a lot for me to tip all that way,” I said, poking at my chin with one of my index fingers. “I mean, I used to be a stallion, too. I can’t imagine doing something like that with one…”

“Well, there’s certainly a first time for everything,” he said, his grin dropping to a smirk. “I’d happily be your first. And I bet you would love it enough that I’d be your last, too.”

“Bold claims, sir,” Blossom said. “And what makes you think I’d let you take her away, hm?”

“Oh no, you misunderstand me,” he chuckled, lifting a hoof to his chest for a moment. “You’re both welcome! I’ve heard mares like you two just need a good stallion to set them straight. I’d be happy to put that to the test!”

Holy shit, I thought he was just a horny douche. He’s actually a real piece of shit. Time to end this. “I’m afraid we’ll have to decline, sir,” I said, slightly tightening my grip on Blossom’s back. “I’m quite alright being with Blossom here.”

His grin immediately vanished. “I must insist you… reconsider. Maybe you don’t know who my father is.”

“And I guess you don’t know who I am,” I hissed, drawing myself to my full height and shooting out my unbroken wing. He leaned back for a moment, eyeing me up.

Then he leaned forward again and smirked. “I think you’re a broken, lucky, ex-knight slut that tries to go through all the mares in the palace… and plenty more, besides. I’m quite surprised to see you next to a common night guard instead of another noble, though.”

Blossom finally did what she should have done a while back, and smiled. “And what makes you think I’m a common guard, hm?”

He was glaring at me, but finally looked down when she finished. He looked at her eyes first, then his eyes shot down to her mouth for just a moment before surprise took over and he found himself staring right down at her fangs. His eyes slowly opened wider.

“Your father’s influence won’t keep you out of jail forever, colt,” Blossom snarled. His ears flinched. “If I catch you harassing another mare, I’ll make sure the charges stick.” That made his ears shoot straight down and his eyes widened. “I’m not on duty right now, but if I say the word, a group of guards that are will be on you in an instant and drag you right to the dungeons. Now leave us alone.”

He quickly realized he had somewhere else to be and left without another word, his breathing sex toy following without a word. “So…”

She sighed and said, “He’s another one that thought guards existed to serve the people in every way we can. I disabused him of that notion. And then did it three more times. I have no idea how he didn’t recognize me. Typical loser noble brat that uses daddy’s money and power to do just about whatever he wants.”

“Oh, one of those pieces of shit. Yeah, I kinda figured. I can’t help but wonder what my reputation must be like among these people for him to call me out like that.”

“That’s what we’re here to fix,” she said, finally continuing to walk. She led me to the stairs and we slowly went up. After the first few steps, I realized she was going slow for my benefit, which was definitely thankful given that I could barely take one step at a time in that awful dress.

It seemed that someone was waiting for us at the top. This mare lost her husband somewhere in the crowd, it seemed. Or he was off doing his own thing. “Lady Navarone, it’s a delight to see you at this party,” she said, bending her front knees slightly.

“I’m happy to finally make an appearance at one,” I said, smiling. I had no idea who this chick was, but as I got closer, I noticed her dress seemed… somewhat threadbare, actually. For some reason, that surprised me. “So far, it’s certainly been an interesting affair.”

“From what I understand, you certainly happen to have a habit of making matters interesting. Or perhaps you just have a knack for finding interesting events.”

That’s certainly the understatement of the year. “I suppose uniqueness attracts uniqueness, so to say. Or another way of putting it, strange attracts strange. I am, after all, a stranger in a strange land.”

“Not so much a stranger, these days,” she said. “A knight, once upon a time. And from other whispers I hear, an artist and a writer… And of course, a servant to our great princess.”

“Your whispers are inaccurate. I am a… translator. Not a writer. But those are whispers I’d prefer not to be heard.”

She looked to the side for a moment before looking back, her smile seeming somewhat more strained. “Those are quite rewarding positions, I’m sure.”

“Indeed. I’ve obtained a wonderful daughter, a beautiful house, dozens of friends, and all manner of memories.”

“And you seem to be no stranger to hard times, as it were. I’m sure the monetary requirements of all those means you’re hardly poor off.”

“I don’t tend to measure wealth in terms of money,” I said. “But I suppose in the eyes of one who finds themselves starving, it’s easy to see that way. I’m happy to have what I have, money or not. But yes, I am fairly well-to-do these days.” Though honestly, I had no idea how well I was actually doing. Between the changeling mine and the royalties, the number had to be growing at a pretty fast rate.

“And yet…” Her eyes poked down at Blossom for a moment before looking at mine. Blossom rolled her eyes and settled in a very bored stance. “...I didn’t hear you mention a lover.”

“I haven’t been lucky enough to find someone to settle with yet,” I said. “But I’m certainly looking.” I put my hand back on Blossom’s back. Her wings twitched, but she didn’t say anything.

The mare eyed my hand dourly for a moment before putting on a smile and looking me in the eyes again. “I have a son or a daughter that I’d be happy to introduce you to. Both your age, I believe, and both proper nobles. Neither are any kind of… simple warrior or guard. And of course, it would be nice to add a true lordly title to your already glowing list…”

“I think I’ve had my fill of nobles in a relationship for a while,” I said. “I still have some truly awful memories about my time with… Luna.” Her ears flinched. “Though I am certainly honored by the offer.”

“I… see. Well, I suppose I can make the offer again in a few months. Once you’ve grown tired of…” Her eyes flipped down to my side again before returning to mine. “...simple guardsponies.”

Blossom started walking away without a word. As much as I wanted to tell that greedy bitch off, I decided my date had the right idea and followed her. The mare didn’t follow us, so Blossom soon slowed down enough for me to walk next to her. “Her whole family line is destitute,” she quietly said when I caught up. “They’ve been trying to get a rich commoner family to marry into theirs so they could get money. They were using their noble name to bait them. The Everglots are fairly well known for it.”

“They should try fish merchants.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Never mind. Do you even know where we’re going?”

“Yes. I heard Fleur’s heartbeat when we got close. I’m leading us to where it was when I first heard it. We’ve had too many distractions since then, so she’s probably moved without me noticing.”

Everything about you is fucking awesome, Jesus. “Hm.” She led us into a large hallway and gently tapped on one of the first doors we passed. No one answered, so after a few seconds, she carefully pushed it open.

The room inside was dark, which wasn’t an issue for us. Though given that it was an issue for pretty much everyone else, I don’t know why she bothered walking in; it was obvious no one was in there.

Imagine my surprise when someone asked, “Would you mind getting the light, dear?”

I flipped the light switch as I stepped further inside. A couple was lounging on a couch near the back of the room. Both were unicorns, of course. “Why were you sitting in the dark?” Blossom asked, completely forgetting all decorum.

“The last pony that left got the lights,” the stallion said with a shrug.

“And you didn’t… ask her not to?” Blossom asked.

The mare shrugged. “Didn’t see any reason to. We figured somepony would be along to turn it back on. We’ve only been here fifteen minutes.”

“Would… would you care to join us out in the main party?” I slowly asked, wondering if that was a question that was okay to ask.

“It’s hardly worth the bother,” the stallion said, waving one of those little personal Chinese fan things. Magic took hold of it and he started fanning himself. “Wandering about, holding conversations, standing. Much easier to just stay here and let pleasant conversations come to us.”

Of course, that also forces you to stay there when unpleasant ones find you… “I… see.”

“Would you care to join us for a while?” the mare asked, waving to a couch.

Blossom looked at me and I sent her a very small shrug. These two were fucking weird and I wasn’t sure I was down for it. Her curiosity got the better of her and she tilted her head to the couch. I sighed and started walking to it. I sat on one side and Blossom draped herself across it, putting her upper body in my lap. My hand immediately went to her neck, but I just barely stopped myself from stroking it.

“It’s quite a surprise to see such a hard-working guard as yourself here with us, Captain,” the stallion said. “And it’s stranger still to see a true hero here with us, Lady Navarone. Especially wearing a… dress, though I don’t mean to offend.”

“I found myself forced into another body,” I said. “It wasn’t voluntary, but I’ve learned to accept the past and to live in the now. I see nothing strange in wearing a dress.”

“But still… I’ve heard Captain Midnight never takes a night off. And I’ve heard you’ve been off, living the busy adventurer’s life.”

“That isn’t entirely true,” Blossom said. “I’ve taken a few nights off, but I certainly do have plenty of off time saved up. Keeping everypony safe is very rewarding.”

“But ever so tiresome, surely,” the mare said. “Long hours, hard work, constant training… I couldn’t stand it.”

“The life of a soldier certainly isn’t for everypony,” Blossom said, shrugging. “Time off is certainly delightful, especially when I can spend it in good company.” The wing closer to me fluttered, pressing against me for a moment.

“And the life of an adventurer is a dangerous one,” I said, carefully shifting my injured wing. “I’ve been in more deadly confrontations than I care to remember. And I’ve worked harder than I ever thought possible to stay alive. But the rewards are very worthwhile, all things told.”

“For you, perhaps,” the stallion said, almost disdainfully. “I’d much rather stay at home. Hard work is hardly worth it, I’ve found.” I finally peeked at his cutie mark. It was a couch. His wife’s was a bed.

I chose not to comment on that.

“I couldn’t live a sedentary life,” Blossom said. “Staying at home is so… dull.”

“And yet nopony ever sees you in the day,” the mare said. “It’s always at night and always when you’re working.” Blossom’s ears twitched very slightly. “Though I can certainly understand. Avoiding the sun does wonders for a mare’s complexion, after all. Yours is most definitely worth preserving…”

“I’m uh… How do I put it…” After a few seconds, Blossom looked to me for support, like I was supposed to have an answer for her.

Flo did, thankfully, and chose to voice it. “She’s very photo-sensitive,” Flo said through my mouth. “Too much light hurts her eyes.”

“Yes. That. It’s why I joined the night guard,” she said with a nod, looking back to the nobles.

“Understandable,” the stallion said. “I certainly prefer to stay inside during the day as well. Though I also prefer staying inside during the night, too.”

Why did you even come to this party? “I’m surprised to see you here, then,” Blossom said, taking the thought right from my mind and saying it in a much kinder way.

“We debated coming versus staying at home,” the mare said. “In the end, we decided to come, but so far, it’s been an exhausting affair. Honestly, we might leave soon.”

“Well, it was a delight meeting you,” I said, putting a slight bit of pressure on Blossom’s neck. She took the hint and slowly pushed to her hooves.

“And you as well, Lady Navarone,” the stallion said. Where a normal person would stand up to shake my hand or maybe even hug me, both of them just stayed in their places as we left. I considered flipping the light back off, but I decided against it.

When we got outside, Blossom pulled the door shut and closed her eyes for a moment. She slowly lifted her head and seemed to sniff the air for a moment, then her ears shot up. “I hear her.”

“Do you also smell her?”

“No, somepony has a nosebleed. Or at least, that’s my guess; it’s a small amount.” She started walking further down the hallway. I followed my date, of course.

The two of us went through a door that apparently led to a balcony. It looked like it was just a small opening that connected two hallways. My guess is that it was there to let the rich people get some fresh air without having to strain themselves by opening a window. An eave covered the main walkway, but there was an uncovered patio where a single stallion was standing. He stroked a flower hanging on a vine on the side before turning to look at us.

“And what brings you two here, hm?” he asked.

“We’ve been looking for Fleur,” I said.

“That is Lady Fleur de Lis to you,” he coldly said. “And I do not mean here, on this balcony. I mean here, at this party. I was told this party is for nobles only. Not commoners.”

“It seems you were told wrong,” I said.

“So it seems, more’s the pity,” he shot back. “I’ve heard that commoners occasionally get invited to events like these. We typically use their uncultured ways as a means of amusement.” He smiled. “Perhaps that is why you were so graciously extended an invitation.”

My common and uncultured ways are about to fucking wreck your ass. Thankfully, Blossom jumped in. “We may be of common blood, but there is little common about either of us. I’m sure everypony in the realm knows of Navarone’s exploits. And of course, I am the Captain of the Guard.”

“And yet, it matters so little when put next to a noble. I can’t help but wonder how you would have fared if you had strong bloodlines behind either of you. Just think of all that happened while Shining Armor was guard captain! Nightmare Moon, defeated. Egypt pacified. The changeling invasion foiled! The Crystal Empire brought back into the fold.”

“And in all of those, Shining Armor did practically nothing,” I said. “His sister beat Nightmare Moon with the help of five commoners. I pacified Egypt. I helped Celestia beat Chrysalis, and then I helped forge the peace between the two nations. And I defeated Sombra in hand to hoof combat after spearheading the campaign against him.”

His smile turned dark. “It’s amazing what a semi-intelligent commoner can do when directed by a wise noble.”

Oh, you’re fucking dead. My hands balled into fists, so Blossom decided to take back over. “And of course, Nav also brought Pertz to justice. And he helped the princess defeat several powerful demons. And he’s saved Princess Cadance’s life several times.”

“Bringing a crazed and weakened monster to justice means little to me; I’m sure the ravages and diseases of that awful jungle brought Pertz to his knees well before he was dragged back in chains. And the way I recall, she was running from demons and had to be rescued by Prince Shining Armor. Saving a princess would be quite a feat… if she wasn’t more than capable of saving herself. Alicorns are quite powerful, after all.”

Something in my head seemed to click and my eyes took on a strange haze. When I felt whatever it was come over me, the asshole’s breath hitched and he leaned back. “Noble blood and common blood both flow the same,” I darkly said, taking a step forward. “They both flow easily, they both flow red, and for me… they both flow freely. I killed Pertz as he tried to flee. I killed three of his noble friends as they tried to free him. I killed them as they tried to fight me. I cut down each one, letting their rich and noble blood shower me. And I cut down Shining Armor and his entire army in the war games. I broke his army and I shattered his will. I defeated him during the competition at Flankfurt without breaking a sweat. I broke past his guards and killed Princess Celestia at the Gala several years ago. If you continue to test me, I will end you as I have ended so many others. Your title is worthless. Your blood means nothing. It will flow, as others have. You will fall, as others have. All your wealth, all your titles, all your precious fancy blood… will mean nothing if I come for you. Remember that.”

He gulped and opened his mouth to say something. My eyes narrowed and he decided better of it. Instead, he quickly rushed past me and through the door we came through.

Whatever came over me just as quickly vanished and I leaned back. Blossom cleared her throat and said, “That was the second scariest thing I have ever heard somepony in a cute and frilly dress say.”

“What was the first?”

“After we spoke in the hospital wing of the palace, I went to find Fleur. She was already asleep, but was happy to speak when I stopped by anyway. As soon as I told her why I was there, she got dressed and we went to have a conversation with some reporters. To put it shortly, I am never going to get on her bad side.”

“Ah.”

“Of course, you shouldn’t have said it. This is supposed to be the debut of the new you, not you threatening a bunch of nobles again.”

“I’m okay with many things, Blossom. I can tolerate a lot. But I will not be called a liar and I will not be called weak. Well, unless I’m actually lying, then I’m okay with being called a liar. And being called a weak liar with that smarmy bastard’s tone? No thanks. If that’s all that awaits me in my new life in Canterlot, I’d sooner cut that life short and move on than keep dealing with it.”

“...Understandable. There are certainly times when I can’t help but wonder why I bother protecting ponies who see themselves as so much better than me. To many commoners, nobles are just nuisances.”

“That’s why my people killed all of ours.” Her eyebrows jerked up. “Anyway, shall we continue? We still need to find Fleur.”

“...Of course. She’s further this way.” We went back into the manor and continued down the hallway. A few nobles passed us, too deep in conversation to really pay us much mind. After that last motherfucker, I certainly wasn’t complaining. At that point, I honestly wanted to find Fleur and then go into hiding until her husband was ready for his announcement.

That hallway led into another large room. This one was also dominated by a large window that has a really good view of the garden. Several more paintings, mostly of famous and probably dead unicorns, dotted the walls. The far side was covered by a full mirror, which did a good job of reflecting most of the ponies in there.

When Blossom saw that, her ears started twitching. “Let’s keep moving,” she quietly said.

As funny as it was to see a walking dress in the mirror, I really didn’t want her secret to come out that way. Fleur wasn’t in there, so we had no reason to bother staying.

Well, Blossom didn’t. “Lady Navarone, I would like to speak with you,” a mare said, quickly stepping up next to us. “Alone.”

“Very well. Go ahead and keep looking, Blossom. I’ll catch up.”

“I’ll find her, Nav. I’m sure she’ll be happy to speak to us.” She nodded to the noble who was borrowing me and left, continuing alone into the den of darkness.

“Shall we go onto the balcony?” I asked. “I believe it will be more private there.”

“This room is fine,” she said. “Though let us go further in.” We walked toward the mirrors. When we got to them, she put her flank to them and faced me. “How well do you know the princess, my lady?” she asked.

“Pretty decently, I’d say,” I replied. “Princess Celestia and I have become friends. I also know Cadance fairly well.”

“How long have you known them?”

“A few years, for both. I just arrived here around five or so years ago. Twilight Sparkle used some kind of spell that brought me here from the past.” She lifted an eyebrow. “I met Celestia a few months after I arrived. I didn’t meet Cadance until around a year after I got here.”

“And Princess Luna?”

My eyes narrowed very slightly. “I don’t want to talk about Luna.”

“That is… understandable, I suppose. What manner of creature are you, truly?”

“I am a human,” I said. “My species used to own the planet, but I’m afraid that changed.”

“And are all of your kind immune to magic? Or winged?”

“No to both. I happen to be an exception. I must admit, I’m happy to find someone interested in my people. But I feel that it isn’t just idle curiousity.”

“You feel correctly, Navarone. There are many among the nobility that are quite worried. Celestia threatened us all when she sentenced Pertz. And some of us feel that you are her chosen tool for… dealing with us, so to say.”

“Princess Celestia feels very secure in her power,” I said. “Or at least, she does as far as I know. She has the confidence of the people and the army answers directly to her. That said, some nobles have ideas above their station, so to say. She’d very much prefer to deal with them in a peaceful way. But some people believe they are above the law and have no need to take orders from anyone, even the rightful princess. Pertz was one of them. I happened to be in a position to bring him to justice. That isn’t always the case, though.”

“You just happened to be there. In the middle of Africa.”

“Yes, I just happened to be there in the middle of Africa. There is more going on in this world than you and the rest of Canterlot know. I was going there for different reasons, and while I was in the area, Celestia asked me to help her with something. So I did. I happen to be of the opinion that people who abuse their power need to be put in their place.”

“And did you happen to be in the right place to deal with Prince Blueblood, too? On more than one occasion.”

“Blueblood got poisoned by a changeling spy to get Cadance out of Canterlot where she’d be vulnerable to getting snatched by Chrysalis. Then he was corrupted by a demon of chaos. He tried to murder me at the Gala and was put down for it.”

“What an interesting coincidence,” she sarcastically replied. “And I’m sure Calix was a similar situation. That’s why he disappeared in the middle of a group of guards on a long and lonely stretch on the road to Catro. And why all of those guards and Emerald all refuse to speak of what happened.”

“...I’m sorry, are you accusing me of something?” I asked, trying to sound insulted.

“I’m accusing you of being an assassin, purpose-built to bring down Celestia’s problem nobles,” she said, stretching up to her full height. “I’m accusing you of being involved in a conspiracy to put several of us in situations where we look bad and then putting us down like dogs so none of the commoners suspect anything. I am accusing you, Navarone, of killing my husband.”

“And mine,” another mare hissed, one that apparently snuck up on me while I was talking to the one bitch.

“And my wife,” a stallion growled, next to the other mare.

“When our partners tried to save Lord Pertz from an unjust fate, you killed them in cold blood,” the original mare said.

“I killed three traitors who were going against Princess Celestia’s will after they tried attacking me,” I said, crossing my arms. “I warned them plenty of times what would happen, but they thought they’d fare better than Pertz himself. One of them even tried holding Captain Midnight hostage, which ended poorly for him. I prefer avoiding violence if possible, but they left me no choice. I am a part of no conspiracy. I just kill traitors that attempt to hurt me or my friends. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m afraid I can allow no other outcome when I am threatened.”

“You could have stood aside,” the stallion said, stepping up next to the original mare. “They only wanted Pertz. They had no issue with you!”

“I couldn’t let a traitor go free,” I said. “Not after what he did. Not after what I saw. I should have put him down when I saw what he had done instead of bringing him in alive. Yes, his trial was a farce, but it was also pointless. He was undoubtedly guilty. If you choose not to believe that, especially after the truth spell that was cast on the witnesses, you’re delusional.”

“Anypony that sees Celestia as anything other than a threat is the delusional one,” the mare said, slapping a hoof against the floor. “And we will not live a life of fear!”

“And what exactly do you intend to do?” I asked. “Do you think three ex-nobles will be enough to bring down Celestia?”

“No. But I think three ex-nobles will be able to deal with Celestia’s tool while she’s unarmed and unarmored.”

Before anything else could happen, a loud and feminine voice cut across all the other noise in the room. “Oh Naaav!” Fleur called out, practically jumping across the room. She got to my side very quickly and carefully hugged me. “You’re so beautiful! I knew this dress would be perfect!” Then she saw my face and gasped. “And your makeup is perfect! I knew you’d find that kit handy.” She finally dropped the hug before I could muster up the will to return it and looked to the nobles around me. “I do hope you don’t mind, but I simply must borrow my dear Nav for a few moments. We have so much to discuss and there truly isn’t enough time!”

“Actually, we—”

“Great!” Fleur quickly began pulling me away. “My apologies, truly. You can have her back soon!” The other nobles in the room, the ones not in the plot to murder me, were all staring at that point. As quickly and loudly as she moved, it was definitely an attention grabber. Soon, she had me bundled out of the room, where I saw Blossom finally managing to catch up. “So how was the flight over?” Fleur asked before either of us could talk. We continued walking, so I assumed she was leading us somewhere private.

“Calm,” Blossom said, catching my eye for a moment and shaking her head slightly.

“And breezy,” I said. “I didn’t do much with my hair, thankfully.”

“Yes, open chariot rides can just ruin a mare’s mane. Thankfully, the weather is nearly perfect tonight, so your dress was just fine. And I do so adore the way it looks on you, truly!” She pushed open the door to a side room and continued, “In fact, I may commission one for myself soon.” When we were all inside, she pulled it closed with magic and then locked it. “Dear sweet Celestia, you almost got murdered,” she breathed, turning back to me.

“Yeah, I fucking noticed,” I said. “Shit was about to get real bad real quick.”

“I heard some of what happened, but I need the details,” she said. “Several of my nobles are in an upheaval and I need the full truth to placate them. If the princess truly is targeting us, we need to know. But if somepony is lying to turn everypony against her, I need to get the word out immediately.”

“Nav and I dealt with some traitors,” Blossom said with a shrug. “There’s not much more to it.”

“That is not true,” I said. “And I know you’re both smart enough to not repeat all of what I’m about to say. Right?” They both looked fairly worried for a moment, but finally nodded. “After Pertz was imprisoned, Celestia gave me an envelope with six nobles in it. She told me that she believed any of those six would be coming to break Pertz out. And if they did, I needed to ensure that they failed. She knew someone was coming, and she guessed right. Three of the six showed up. Three nobles and a diamond dog mercenary came to free Pertz. I warned them to leave. They told the mercenary to attack me. He refused and left. They tried attacking me. I killed two of them. The last one took Blossom as a hostage and threatened her. She wounded him and I finished him off. Then Celestia came to inspect the bodies and cleaned them up.”

“So they attacked you first,” Fleur said.

“Correct. I warned them repeatedly that doing so would be unwise.”

“He did,” Blossom said with a nod. “They were of the opinion that Pertz was weakened in his time in the jungle and that three against two would be more than even odds. They were trying to free a traitor and paid the price.”

“I probably didn’t have to kill them,” I said. “But leaving them alive would be even more problematic in the long run. Fleur, Celestia is not targeting all nobles. She knows who is working against her and who is not, and she believed this show of force would be enough to cow the others for a few generations, especially when she stripped the titles from their families. I need you to make sure that is true. Right now, we absolutely need all the nobles behind her, or at least not working to cast her down. I can’t tell you all the details, but shit’s about to go haywire for a while and we need—I cannot stress this enough, we literally need—all the nobles behind her. I’m talking about the fate of all civilizations in the world right now, Fleur. Get these assholes placated and make them stop their shit and rally behind Celestia, or at least stop working against her. Work for yourselves if you have to, but don’t try to usurp her and support her in the coming trials.”

Fleur was silent for a few long seconds before slowly sighing. “That goes against quite a lot of what you told me before, Nav.”

“Not really. Help your husband, try to build up unity between the races, work for equality and shit, but remember that a storm is coming and Celestia is your rock in the water. Keep doing whatever you want, as long as you don’t try to usurp Celestia’s authority. She’s about to go through some really hard times and it’s fairly important that she stay on top.”

She pursed her lips for a moment and said, “It would be much easier with you by my side, Nav. You have a certain kind of respect that I lack. I am certainly more powerful in some ways, but my reputation has taken some dings from what my husband has asked of me. Between the two of us, we could run Canterlot.”

“You’ll have to make do without me,” I said, putting a hand on one of her shoulders. “My job is one of the most crucial of all. Celestia is going to work on international relations soon. She needs her home in order while she’s gone. I’m working on finding things, and Celestia’s authority and power have been my main backbones on that journey, so I also need her in power. I can’t be here and there at the same time, and I’m needed there a lot more than here. I need you to fix this for me, Fleur. Keep Celestia in power. Keep working on your own goals. Placate these asshole nobles and get them to quit their shit. Stability and peace are crucial right now.”

She sighed again and placed a hoof against my hand on her shoulder. “I trust you, Nav. But can you give me any information about what’s coming?”

“It’s a long story. Humans used to be the dominant species on the planet. We… created? Awoke? I don’t know, something evil and chaotic rose to power during our reign and killed us. I am among the last. We engineered other races, of which ponies were one, and created beings to guide them. This evil entity was still active then and tried to kill off the other races as well. This cycle continued for a while. The last time it did, it killed all of the alicorns but two: Celestia and Luna. They stopped it with Chrysalis’s help. It’s back and active. Celestia’s trying her thing to stop it and I’m trying mine. So unless you want another few races to go extinct, it’s pretty important that we unfuck ourselves quickly. This thing is currently sitting idle as far as we know, but when he gets bored and we don’t have anything in place to deal with him, that’s it, we’re done. So the last thing that needs to be on Celestia’s mind right now is some kind of uppity noble getting plans above their station. We got bigger fish to fry.”

“...Oh.”

“So yeah, that’s why I can’t be in town right now. I don’t even need to be here now. Celestia just needed my help to put Pertz away. I have revenge to plan. This motherfucker killed my people and he turned me into a chick. I’m going to do more than end this demonic piece of shit: I’m going to make him a fucking unperson. There won’t even be a mention of this bastard anywhere by the time I’m done. He will be totally and utterly forgotten.”

“And you’re… sure about all of this?” Fleur asked.

“Yes. You want your mental and emotional revolution of Canterlot, now’s the time for it. Get the nobles concerned with helping people and not with being selfish fuckheads. Make them honest, make them good. Make them truly noble. The rest of what you wanted will come in time, then. It’s time for you to take charge, Fleur. Can you do that for me? Will you?”

She nodded. “I will do it for all of us. Regardless of the reasoning, demon or not, this is what I knew was coming. Now I just have a less selfish reason for doing it. I suppose the time for my great crusade has come. And it will begin tonight, when my husband finally unshackles himself. That will be the first of many truths to come.”

“Baller as fuck.” I finally pulled away from her and stretched. “So is this thing gonna happen soon or what?”

“...Soon, yes. I was waiting to speak with you, because… Well, I don’t suppose the reasoning matters now.” She sighed a third time and said, “It is strange, feeling urgency. I haven’t felt anything like it in a long time. I… like it, truthfully. I have purpose, finally.”

“Well, I’m glad at least one of us is happy about our possible imminent doom,” I said with a smile. “Shall we go collect Fancy, then?”

“I just have a question first, a personal one,” she said. “And I don’t mean to offend and if you tell me no, I’ll never discuss it again. But you said your one hangup about… relations with me was that I was married. When that is no longer the case…?”

“We’ll talk,” I said.

“Very well. I am, if nothing else, a patient mare. Let us go obtain my soon-to-be ex-husband. And Blossom?”

My vampire date flinched. She had been staring at me with a strange look on her face. Her eyes jerked to Fleur. “Yes?”

“Do not leave Navarone’s side again while we are here. Until I can make alliances and speak to several ponies, she will be in danger.”

“I will guard her,” she said, coming to attention. “Er… him.”

“It’s her,” I said. “I’m in a dress, wearing makeup, and supposedly in a lesbian relationship with you. I figure at this point, it is what it is, and it is that I have a vagina.”

“And while I am here, you will be safe,” Blossom replied. “My apologies at leaving you in the first place. Had I known—”

“Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened. You can let me pet your belly later to make up for it.” She snorted. “It’s going to happen and we’re both going to love it, just you wait.” She rolled her eyes. “Let’s go get this announcement done then, shall we?”

“Happily,” Fleur said. “It’s a long time coming. I just hope Fancy isn’t having a cold tail…”

“If he is, we’ll light a fire under his ass,” I said. “I made a point to dress up all fancy-like for this bullshit, so he better not pussy out.”

“We already made an agreement,” Fleur said. “If he tries to back out, I’ll expose him and all of his friends. It shan’t be an issue.”

“Good. All the truth does is set you free,” I said. “Let’s go.”

Fleur started walking to the door, but Blossom turned into mist and rematerialized at it. “Let me,” she said. “Just in case the nobles followed us.” She pulled it open and we all casually piled out. No one was in the hall, so Fleur took the lead. Since she knew where we were going, neither of us saw a problem with that. Blossom and I fell in next to each other. We were still doing the couple thing, so I placed a hand on her back.

When Fleur got a meter or two ahead of us, Blossom whispered, “I envy that mare.”

“We’re all prisoners to something,” I quietly replied. She chose not to reply.

When we got to the first room, we got to truly see her at work, too. She immediately dipped off to speak to nobles, throwing out some flattering words here, some mindless niceties there, and playing the crowd like a fiddle. We met her at the other side of the room and she took the lead again without a word.

“Some prisons are better than others,” Blossom muttered. I definitely couldn’t deny that.

That process continued two more times without anyone else trying to interact with the two of us. Fleur continued doing her thing while we just made an appearance. Finally, we got to the end of the line, so to say. It was the grand dance and meeting hall, taking up two full floors. One was the floor itself and the other was a viewing balcony. Since we were on the upper floor and everything else was on the bottom floor, we took the first staircase we came to. Fleur managed to look stately going down it, while Blossom and I just looked like soldiers pretending to be pretty ladies.

“You two find a place to stand near the stage,” Fleur said as we walked. “I shall go obtain my husband. We should be out soon.”

Blossom and I went on to stand over to the right of the stage, while Fleur took one of the side doors next to it. “So after this, we can leave, right?” I asked. “I’m not a fan of possibly getting murdered.”

“You will be safe while I am here,” Blossom replied. “And of course, I imagine you’ll be safe from unicorns whether I’m here or not.”

“Yeah, probably. But that doesn’t mean I’m safe from being stabbed. Especially in this dress.”

“You’ll be fine. After what’s about to happen, I imagine all the nobles will forget about you for a few hours anyway.”

“...True.”

We only had to wait for about another minute for Fancy Pants and his wife to come out from behind the curtain on the stage. From the way it was moving behind them, I figured there were several more ponies behind it.

Fancy’s horn lit up and a loud bell rang once. Soon, everyone started turning their attention to the stage. After half a minute or so, Fancy took a deep breath and started talking. “Hello to all of you. I’m happy to see so many kind and familiar faces tonight. Thank you all for attending the party my wife so wonderfully planned. Unlike many of her parties, this one has a great ulterior purpose.”

A great amount of muttering started happening in the audience, and several of the rich horses looked at me for a few moments, until he started talking again.

“The word noble has many meanings. To most of us, it is just a title, a thing that separates us from the common ponies. It is a gift of the blood, something that sets us apart. But it has another, better meaning: It means to have a high moral standing and to uphold great ideals. We are supposed to be above others, not solely by blood, but by our actions. We must be virtuous, and abstain from dark deeds. Gluttony, lust, greed, laziness, pride, wrath, envy, lying… All these and more must be beneath us. With that in mind, I have decided that I can no longer live a lie.”

The muttering quickly picked up in volume as he paused. It seemed that not many people had any idea what he was talking about. After a few seconds, Fleur’s horn lit up and the bell went off again, silencing them.

Fancy didn’t let the silence last long. “I am a homosexual.” The room instantly flooded with gasps. Fleur put a hoof on his side.

Before anyone in the audience could shout out any questions or whatever, the curtains parted and a dozen more nobles stepped out, some male and some female. Each admitted to the same thing.

As soon as the last one did, Fancy continued talking, “I know there are others like me out there. Others that are living a lie and tired of it. There is nothing to fear in coming out. The truth shall set you free. Taboos only exist if everypony finds shame in something, but the only shame in life is living a lie. Be who you are. Be happy about who you are. If those you love do not support you, they do not share your love. Cast them aside and find those who will love you for who you are. And if you are afraid, speak to me. I was terrified, but with the help of my wife and my friends, I overcame that fear. I am now free. The only regret is how long it took me to come out.”

“What about your marriage?” someone called out.

Fleur took a step forward to field that one. “We are having it absolved soon. We never truly consummated it, so it shall be easy for us.”

Fancy stepped forward as well and said, “Before Fleur and I were married, I struck a deal with her. She knew beforehoof that I was gay. I gained a smokescreen. What she gained is her own business.”

“I am infertile,” she said, making even more ponies gasp. “I agreed to take the blame for us having no foals if the question was ever asked.” Fancy looked at her in shock. She sadly smiled back at him. “I, too, am tired of living a lie. When I am no longer tied to you, I do not wish anypony to attempt to court me without knowing the truth.”

Fancy looked at her for a few moments longer before nodding and looking back into the crowd. “This is a night of revelations, everypony. It is a night of freedom and happiness. Be who you are, not who others believe you are supposed to be. Now, I believe I shall finally do what I should have never stopped myself from.” He turned to one of the stallions on the stage with him. “Would you care to join me in a dance?”

“Happily, Sir Fancy Pants.” Fancy took one of the guy’s hooves and led him onto the floor as music started to play. They quickly fell into the rhythm and started dancing. They stayed alone for about fifteen seconds before I shrugged, took Blossom in hand, and walked over to join them.

That opened the floodgate. I know a lot of nobles were reeling from the news, but coming out like that wasn’t illegal and with so many people doing it at once, it could hardly stay too taboo. Couples, both straight and gay, joined us as we danced.

After a few sets, the mood in the room was much closer to what it had been before the announcement. Since neither Blossom nor I actually liked dancing that much (especially in a dress), we dipped out when there were enough couples going. Instead of leaving the room, we took up a position back near the stage, where we could watch.

“So, thoughts?” I asked, staring at Fancy with a different guy on his arm. Or front leg, in this case.

“I think noble society is stupid,” Blossom said. “So what if somepony is gay? It means nothing to a commoner.”

“To a noble, it means you can’t pass on your blood,” I said. “Which is a pretty big deal, usually.”

“Tch. Whatever. You want to get out of this room? I’m sure we could find something actually interesting to do here.”

“Just a sec. Fleur’s walking over.”

She was heading to us alone, somewhat surprisingly. Despite being infertile, I figured she would have had a few possible suitors lining up already. I guess that’s what comes from being a complete slut for so long, though.

When she got to us, she reared up to gently hug me. “Thank you, Nav,” she said. “I knew you would be able to support him tonight.”

“All I did was help get the ball rolling,” I said, hugging her back and secretly enjoying her fluffy warmth. “But I’m definitely happy to help.”

“I know he’d like to talk to you before you leave, if possible,” she said, then let me go to slide back to the ground. “But after this announcement, I’m sure there will be quite a few nobles lining up to speak to him. It might be some time before he can get to you, so if you need to leave, he’ll definitely understand.”

“I am happy to wait for a friend,” I said. “Though I do kinda want to get out of here soon. At the moment, it seems that he’s happy right where he is.” All three of us turned to look at him. He was slow dancing with a stallion, a large smile on both their faces. “I can’t understand why anyone ever thought hiding who you really are would be healthy or good. With one life to live, there is no time to waste trying to be someone else to appease others. But I guess that’s just the opinion of an idealist.”

“I think it’s a good opinion to have,” Blossom said.

“As do I,” Fleur agreed with a nod. “I shall let him know you need to get back to the palace soon, then lead you to a sitting room. He’ll finish this dance and then join us.”

“Thank you, Fleur. It’s a little past my bedtime, though I’ll happily stay if Blossom wants to.”

We both looked at the bat mare. Her wings fluttered slightly and she shrugged. “I’m uncomfortable in a dress. I certainly wouldn’t mind staying, but I believe we’re nearing the three hour mark that I gave our guard escort; they should be here to pick us up fairly soon.”

“Then I shall go speak to Fancy. Wait right here.” She departed, slipping through the crowd of dancers with practiced ease.

“So how do you like wearing a dress?” Blossom asked.

“It’s not as bad as it could be,” I said. “And it’s… liberating for everyone to finally know for sure that I’m a chick. It also feels really good that everyone is so accepting of it. I honestly expected to have people making fun of me. It’s weird. I still have a guy’s mind, but there’s something about being… being pretty that I like, I guess. Maybe it’s just because I’m a slut.”

“Probably. I’m glad you’ve finally accepted who you are, even if you aren’t necessarily happy about it.”

“...Well, if Fancy Pants can do it, so can I. Maybe one day I’ll finally be happy about it.” I slowly ran my hand down my side, feeling the soft fabric. “At least the clothes are usually really comfortable. And I definitely like the way the tight ones rub across my—”

“Are you ready?” Fleur said, skipping back.

“Yep. Lead the way.” She used a much more sedate pace to lead us down a large hallway. Blossom and I continued walking side by side, my hand once again on her back. “This is a lovely party, by the way.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” Fleur replied. “I truly do wish you had joined us at the anime convention. Everypony would have been so overjoyed to have your support. And of course, Rarity would have been happy to make you a wonderful outfit.”

“Rarity just likes making me suffer. She takes any chance she can get to do so.” Fleur chuckled, possibly thinking I was joking. I decided not to disabuse her of that notion. “But anime really isn’t my thing.”

“Nor mine, truthfully. But no matter. Here we are…” She pushed a door open and led us into a very nice and lush sitting room. A fireplace was going on one side and a large mirror dominated the other. Three couches sat in a small circle in the middle. I sat on one and Blossom carefully laid across my lap again. Fleur took up residence on another. “You two make such a beautiful couple.”

“Thank you,” Blossom said with a small smile. “Several of the nobles we ran into tonight didn’t seem to agree too much.”

“Then they’re wrong,” Fleur said, casually waving a hoof. “You’re both stunning and seem absolutely perfect together. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were actually dating!”

“She won’t let me pet her, though,” I sighed. Blossom rolled her eyes and Fleur giggled.

“Then the next time I visit, I’ll happily let you stroke me however you like,” she said. “I’ve heard good things about your belly rubs…”

“They’re all true,” I said with a smirk. “Maybe we can let Blossom watch so she can feel jealous.”

“Let’s not and say we did,” my date said, weakly slapping me with a wing.

Before I could call her adorable and snuggle her close, the door opened and Fancy Pants joined us. “My apologies for the delay,” he said with a large grin. “I was sharing a moment that has long been denied me.”

“No problem at all,” I said. “I’m sorry to take you away from the party and the dance. But I need to leave soon and I figured you’d want to talk, so…”

“I am happy to talk,” he said, walking over to the final couch. “To the one who gave me the chance to come out in peace, I will happily make time. The first thing I would like to say is a thanks, for talking to my wife behind my back and getting her to sell out my secret. The second thing I would like to say is a thanks for getting her to talk me into coming out.”

“You’re welcome to both,” I said with a nod. “I hope you can find happiness now. And so can dozens of other people who repressed and hid their nature over the years.”

“We will. The dozen others that publicly came out with me tonight are just the beginning. I spoke to at least fifty others that will come out over time, to help encourage those that were too afraid to do so tonight. Soon, the club that I fostered over the years will be unnecessary, though I believe I’ll keep it going anyway. As its clientele is both male and female, you are most definitely welcome.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, though I’m not a true lesbian; I’m happy with both, though I do prefer females.”

“Regardless, there is a place for you there should you desire it. It is not just sex, though that is a part of it. And of course, all the patrons are masters of secrecy, so anything you do or say would be completely private.”

“Noted. If I’m ever interested, I’ll ask you for more information.”

He nodded. “The next thing I’d like to discuss is the truth of what happened last night. I have heard that three nobles attempted to free Pertz. All three were cut down by your blade, and their families were stripped of titles, land, and wealth. What truly happened?”

“That’s pretty much it,” I said with a shrug. “Fleur already asked. Celestia had a suspicion that some nobles she thought were traitors would attempt to free Pertz. She asked me to make sure they failed. Sure enough, three of them did try. I tried to talk them down. They attacked Blossom and I. I killed them all and Celestia declared them traitors. That’s pretty much that.”

“For trying to free Pertz, they are most definitely traitors. But I’m afraid I must warn you that traitors or not, hurting them might have consequences.”

“Yeah, I know. Their widows already tried to kill me tonight.”

His eyes widened and he shot off the couch. “When?! How?!”

“About an hour or so ago, before the announcement,” Fleur said. “I managed to save her and got her away from them. They’ll likely try again, if I had to guess; I’d imagine they think they have so little left to lose that any attempt at revenge is worthwhile.”

“They will soon find themselves disabused of that notion,” he growled. “Captain, by your leave, I’d like to lead a contingent of guards to where they are hiding and arrest them before the night is out.”

“You have it,” Blossom said with a nod. “I will make the arrangements when the two of us return to the palace. Be careful; one of those mares is a professional duelist.”

“I may be old, but I am still plenty able to fight,” he said. “If they try to resist, I will put them down. Violence should not answer violence, but I will not allow them to harm my friend.”

“If you want, I can gear up and go with you,” I said. “I specialize in taking down unicorns.”

“I remember full well what you did to Shining Armor,” he said. “But no, you cannot go. A knight has the authority to arrest somepony. You are no longer a knight. And you getting involved might only make things worse, since it will seem like you’re getting revenge. I will be able to arrest them with no issue.”

“...Alright. But be careful. I can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt on my behalf.”

He smiled and bowed. “I shall come to no harm, my lady.” My wings twitched slightly. “Now, I’m afraid I must take my leave. I must dress myself for a battle. Fleur, can you handle the rest of the party without me?”

“Of course, Fancy. I shall easily take it in hoof. If anypony asks where you are, I’ll just tell them you were exhausted from the ordeal of finally coming out.”

He nodded. “Excellent. Farewell for now, Lady Navarone, Captain Midnight. I shall see you both later.” With another bow for both of us, he trotted out, pulling the door shut behind him with magic.

“I wonder when I’ll get used to being called a lady,” I mused aloud.

“Your reactions are so cute,” Fleur said with a small smile. “Though when your injured wing twitched, I think you lost a few feathers…” I looked to my side and sure enough, a few white feathers were stuck on Blossom’s dress. I idly picked them away.

“Now we actually have a good reason to leave,” Blossom said. “I was going to try to detain them myself, but it’s probably better that a noble lead the task force, especially one as respected as Sir Fancy Pants.”

“What if they already fled Canterlot?” Fleur asked. “Nav could still be in danger.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “Tonight, I am in a dress with no weapons and surrounded by their allies. Later, I’ll be armed and ready for a fight. Trust me, I don’t die easily.”

“No, I suppose you don’t,” Fleur said, looking to my chest. “Many of us were surprised when you recovered from what Blueblood did.”

“That was probably the worst injury I’ve had, but certainly not the only one,” I said. “I’ve been stabbed, shot, burned, poisoned, dropped, beaten, crushed, and who knows what else. It takes more than some kind of pissy ex-noble trash to put me down.”

“I suppose knights of Equestria must be tough. Or perhaps it’s humans that are tough.”

“Humans are survivors,” I said. “We can come back from almost anything, and we’re usually stronger for it. But anyway, I’m tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night and it’s fall, so my body really needs it. If you wouldn’t mind…”

Blossom slid off my lap and Fleur shook her head. “By all means. I’d certainly hate to keep you up. I know you’ve had a busy schedule and I know how little you like these parties. Thank you both for attending. It really means a lot to Fancy and I.”

“I’m happy I could help you both,” I said, standing. “I know what it’s like to try to live a lie. Nobody deserves that. It’s good that you’re both finally free.”

“It certainly feels liberating,” she replied. “Do you need me to show you the way out?”

“If you don’t mind,” Blossom said. “I know I certainly got turned around in here.”

“I’m happy to have your company,” I said. “By all means, lead the way.”

She did, with gusto. I probably didn’t need her to find the way out, but with her guiding our path and mindlessly chattering with us, all the nobles that might have wanted to speak to me shied away.

Soon enough, the three of us got to the entrance of the great manor. When we all stepped outside, we saw that our chariot was already waiting on us. “It was a pleasure, Fleur,” I said, rubbing at her ears.

She beamed up at me. “The pleasure was all mine, dears. I’ll call on you at the palace in a few days, Nav. Fancy Pants might come see you tomorrow, too.”

“I’ll be waiting,” I said with a nod.

“And I’ll come see you tomorrow night, Blossom,” Fleur said. “To discuss moving arrangements, if you’re still willing to help.”

“I am. I’ll be in my office early tomorrow night and early the next morning. And of course, you’re welcome at my home when I awaken.”

“I believe I’ll stop by your home around when you awaken,” Fleur said. “I’ll be sure to bring you a snack, too.”

Blossom’s ears twitched and she uneasily grinned. “That would be nice.”

Fleur happily nodded. “Then it’s a date. Tata for now, both of you!” She did a weird horsey curtsy and then went back into the party.

“Well, that was certainly a night,” I sighed, turning to walk to the chariot. Blossom joined me without a word.

When we got there, one of the guards asked, “How was it?”

“Interesting,” I said. “Fancy Pants and a few dozen nobles admitted to being gay and I almost got killed.” Both of their heads shot toward me, of course. “You’re free to say ‘I told you so,’ if you want.”

“Er… Well I mean… I did kinda tell you so…”

“Yeah, yeah.” Blossom stepped into the chariot and held out a hoof for me. I took it and let her help me up. “Just take us back to the palace.”

“Of course… my lady.” The other guard chuckled and I couldn’t help but grind my teeth as they took off.

When we got back to the palace, there was no one else at the chariot pool. That wasn’t too unusual for that time of night, so we didn’t think much of it. Blossom helped the guards unhook themselves and they wandered off to the barracks, quietly talking about how cute we both were.

Once they were out of earshot, Blossom turned to me. “So you made it all night without petting me.”

“I did.”

“Do you know what that means?” she asked, grinning slyly.

“That I get a fun reward?” I hopefully asked, my uninjured wing unconsciously spreading. She waved me lower and I bent down, letting her whisper in my ear. My eyes widened and the wing shot fully out. “Yeah, let’s go back to my room!”

Before we could start moving, someone cleared a throat behind me. Blossom’s eyes went as wide as saucers and I slowly turned around. Princess Celestia stood before us, wearing a very interesting expression. “Hello, Navarone, Captain. Am I interrupting something?”

“Um. No, Princess,” Blossom said. “Nav and I… Er, Navarone and I were just… getting back from something.”

“From a party,” I quickly said. “Fleur wanted two more of her friends there, so we both went.”

“As friends!” Blossom quickly added. “We went as two friends, there to see another friend!”

“Hm. That is a very beautiful dress, Nav. And your makeup is absolutely gorgeous. I’m surprised to see you dressed up so nicely to go to a party with a friend.”

“It was a fancy party for fancy ponies,” I said with a shrug, trying to hide any nervousness. “And I figure, you know, fuck it. Everyone knows I’m a chick at this point. Why bother hiding it?”

Celestia finally grinned. “I’m ever so happy to hear you say that, Nav.” She looked over at my date. “It was nice to see you, Captain. I believe Nav and I have something to discuss on my bed. I’m sure she’ll be happy to speak more with you later.”

“Of… of course, your highness. I’ll uh… I’ll talk to you later, Nav! I mean, Navarone…” Just like that, she fucking bolted, leaving me alone with Celestia, whose eyes quickly turned lustful.

“I’m going to enjoy this so much,” she breathed, stepping closer and leaning in.

She did not wait until she got me onto her bed.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Four—Navarone Goes to Canterlot

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Four—Navarone Goes to Canterlot

Thankfully, I managed to dissuade Celestia from picking my clothes for the next three months in advance. For some reason, she seemed to absolutely adore the idea of dressing me up like a doll in front of everyone. Smacking her in the nose with a thoroughly used dildo got her mind off of it, and we both went to breakfast in normal clothing. Namely, a shirt and pants for me and nothing but a crown for her.

I gotta say, I was surprised to see Chrysalis waiting there for us. “So you finally deigned to join me,” she said, tapping a gnarled hoof on the table. “I don’t even eat and I still managed to arrive first.”

“You didn’t wake up to a horny princess dry humping you,” I said, sitting next to her. “Tonight, you two can share the bed and we’ll see who gets here first.”

They both smirked. Chrysalis actually leaned over and stuck her tongue in my ear while Celestia said, “We already made a deal. We each get you every other night while she’s here. Last night was my night. Tonight is hers.”

Oh boy. “Don’t I get a say in this?” I slowly asked, trying not to shiver at the nasty wetness I now felt.

“No,” Chrysalis breathed in my ear, this time actually making me shiver. I couldn’t tell if it was in fear or delight.

With that, Celestia rang her little morning bell and food started getting carted out. Chrysalis decided to behave, though she eyed the food with disdain. When the servants were gone, I asked, “So what brings you here, Chrysalis?”

“Moonbeam, Nav. I am casting my old self behind.” Her wings fluttered for a second and she shrugged. “Well, most of it. I am here to speak to Celestia more formally about several matters. After striving for hundreds of years to hide the past, finally releasing the truth will be difficult. We both have records that go back to the very beginning, so we’re going to work together to put them together in as cohesive a narrative as possible.”

“Sounds fun. I’ll be sure to stay as far out of the way as possible. Or at least, I assume,” I said with a glance toward Celestia, “that my official business here is done. Am I needed to slay any more demons or uppity nobles?”

“You are not,” she said with a nod. “As of now, I have no more official business for you. The inquisitor might want your help, but I believe he has things under control. And honestly, no offense to you, but I believe you’d be of little help now that the fighting is over. He knows what questions to ask and how to conduct an investigation about demons. And until the other nobles make a move, you won’t be useful against them. Unless you want to help draw them out, of course.”

“That won’t be necessary,” I said with a grin. “The widows of the ones I killed tried to murder me last night.” Her eyes widened. “Fancy Pants should already have them in chains now.”

“That is an… interesting development. You should have discussed this with me last night.”

“You didn’t give me a chance. My mouth was too busy—” Moonbeam loudly cleared her throat. “Either way, it’s not like it matters. Fancy should have them behind bars now, and they’ve already been stripped of titles. And now that I’m no longer a knight, I can’t really do much anyway.”

“Unless I name you an agent of the crown and give you my seal,” Celestia replied. She lifted a hoof to her chin and tapped it a few times before shrugging. “No matter.” Her hoof went back to her side and her horn lit up to grab a fork. “For now, it is a non-issue. But if your life is threatened again, tell me immediately.”

“Can I tell Moonie instead?” I asked. “She’s a lot scarier.”

Moonbeam threw one of her legs around my shoulder and cuddled me. “Every time you call me that, I’m going to blue bean you.” I hate everything.

“To answer the question, no,” Celestia said. “While she is certainly scarier, it is not her place to protect you from pony nobles. However, I’m not opposed to allowing her to take the shape of a personal bodyguard, should she have spare time.”

Moonie and I shared a glance. She rolled her eyes and looked back at Celestia. “I’ll have to decline,” she said. “I believe our human can take care of herself. Given the proper arms and her ring, of course.”

“Which I don’t plan on going anywhere without,” I said. “Though I also don’t really plan on going anywhere in general. I’m tired of getting stared at, and now that I’ve pretty much come out as a chick, I have a feeling the reporters will return in force. Since you have no jobs for me, I think I’ll just stay in the palace.”

“After the business last night, that’s understandable,” Celestia said with a shrug. “Thankfully, Captain Midnight was there to help you. I’m happy that you’ve befriended her. Positions of power have a way of changing ponies, and she never seemed to be the most social. It’s good that she’s changing. I believe I’ll broach the subject of her fangs the next time she brings me a report. They’re good for striking fear into others.” Moonbeam snorted, of course. “But they’re hardly fitting for the captain of all the guards.”

“If she likes them, that’s her prerogative,” I said. “I say let her keep them.” Celestia shrugged again and the conversation pretty much dipped off. That gave us both time to eat, at least.

Of course, we weren’t the only ones that were hungry. After I leaned away from the table, Moonbeam gently poked my stomach with a hoof. “You have had your fill. Would you be interested in helping me obtain mine?”

“If you explain why I can’t call you Moonie, yes.”

Her ears actually twitched. She slowly pulled her hoof back and looked down at the table. After several long seconds, she looked back at me. “I accidentally hurt the last person I allowed to become close enough to me to call me by a familiar name. I hurt her badly and I regret it to this day. I discourage any forms of familiarity or closeness because of it.”

I reached over and grabbed her hoof, taking it back to my stomach. “I’m not too afraid of losing something that I’m not going to have it,” I said. “Learn from your past, but learn the right lessons. Don’t avoid making friends so you can’t hurt them. Avoid putting yourself in a position where you have to hurt your friends.” I lightly tugged on her hoof, pulling her close. When her head was near enough, I gently took her horn and pressed it against my forehead. “Eat, Moonie.”

She did, and her eyes widened. “L-love…”

“For my friend.” She tried pulling back, but I tightened my grip on her horn. “For you.” Her ears dropped. “You’re leaving your old self behind, Moonie. That means old habits. You can let yourself have friends. You can let yourself have feelings. You can let yourself let go.” To demonstrate, I released her horn.

She very slowly pulled back and lifted her head to look at me. Without saying a word, she hugged me.

You know, I gotta say, Celestia probably felt pretty fucking awkward, just sorta sitting there and not saying anything. It wasn’t a short hug, either. Buggy chitin doesn’t really feel that comfortable, honestly, and the angle made the chair kinda dig into my back. The only reason I didn’t cut it short is because moments like that are probably important or something for a recovering evil tyrant.

Finally, the bug horse released me from her oppressive grasp. I got in a more comfortable position and popped my neck. Doing so gave me a look at Celestia, who was casually filing a hoof. When she noticed we were done and could see her again, her eyes went wide for a moment and she made the file disappear with a flash, then went back to her casual smiley self.

“I feel… full,” Moonbeam said with a delightful sigh. “You mean… so much to me, Nav. It’s a shame I have to bluebean you four times tonight.”

“Son of a—”

“Ahem.” Celestia cleared her throat, cutting me off. “Moonbeam, would you mind heading to the planning room? I’d like to speak to Nav for a few moments before we convene for the day.”

“Of course, Celestia.” She stood and hugged me again, though this time she shoved her tongue in my ear for a few seconds before giggling. “I’ll see you tonight, Navi…” With that, she teleported off, leaving my ear all wet and nasty.

I shivered and grabbed a napkin to wipe that shit off. “I don’t get why people do that,” I said. “It’s uncomfortable and nasty and not even a little bit sexy. It probably doesn’t taste good, either…”

“I was wrong about you and Chry… Moonbeam, Nav.” Celestia leaned back a little in her chair and sighed. “And I was wrong about Moonbeam in general. I truly thought that after Discord corrupted her, she forever fell from the light. Honestly, I thought she had some manner of spell over you for the longest time that I couldn’t detect. There were times when I considered digging and tearing at your mind to find the truth… or what I thought to be the truth. But now I know you were right. Now I know that she really does consider you a friend.” She fell silent for several long seconds before actually choking. Just like that, she started crying. “You… you can’t know… how happy that makes me, Nav.” She used magic to push all the plates and cutlery away from her spot at the table and she laid her head down and actually started sobbing.

...Alrighty then. Now it’s my turn to feel awkward. It seemed like the right thing to do, so I went over there to comfort her. She was on my uninjured side, so I was able to throw a wing and an arm over her shoulder, hugging her as she completely lost control.

After about a minute of crying and sobbing and being all girly and emotional and shit, she tried talking, though it was hard since she was still crying and sobbing occasionally. “I… I abandoned her, Nav… When she needed me most… I left her alone. I let her… I let her hold her past, her darkness… I forced her to walk alone. I felt… I thought… she helped him, Nav! She… she became a monster for him! But… but she never really… she never lost herself. And I… I never really let her… She was like a mother to me and I never even gave her a chance! I turned my back… on my teacher. My friend… My Moonie!”

She finally pulled away from the table and buried her head into me, once more sobbing uncontrollably and just barely failing to stab me. Oh great, now I’m going to have to go change. Fucking fantastic. I patted her back and gently rocked her until she calmed down enough that she could hear what I was going to say. Of course, I didn’t really know what to say, but I had a feeling that I’d either figure it out as I went along or Flo would fill in where I couldn’t.

“We… the both of us, you and me… We’ve spent our lives living in the past, Celestia. We have both made mistakes. We have both suffered. We have both caused suffering. But the past is just that: the past. You may have hurt Moonbeam. You may have helped create Chrysalis. But it’s not too late to help Moonbeam become herself again. It will never be too late to live in the now once more. We both must turn our heads from the past and look forward. We both must turn our heads from the darkness and gaze into the light. We must turn our back on lies and walk with the truth. Will you allow yourself to change? Will you resolve to walk that path with me, Celestia?”

There was absolutely no hesitation. She pulled back, tears still gleaming in her beautiful eyes, and said, “Yes.”

“Alright, cool.” She looked at me for several more seconds, probably expecting something else. Maybe another chunk of wisdom, maybe more comfort, I don’t know. “I’m gonna go take a shower and change.”

She did not let me go. “How do you do it, Nav?”

“Um. With soap and water?”

Of course, she didn’t even grace that with a reply. “How are you changing this world so much?”

“Flo called me a catalyst of change,” I said with a shrug. “I was raised in a wholly alien way with a completely different mindset while dealing with totally unique problems. When I was put in a position of power, even if that power was only found on the wrong side of a sword point, it enabled me to use my uniqueness to affect the world. A strange person in a strange land inspires strange things, I guess. Can you let me go now? I’m already covered in your tears and slobber.” Her horn lit up and all of that nasty disappeared from both of us in a flash. “Why even waste time showering?”

“Because it feels nice.” She finally pulled away, allowing us both to stand up. But instead of letting me leave or teleporting out herself, she put a very heavy hoof on my shoulder. “You are my friend, Nav. You are there when I need you and you helped me reconcile with one I thought long lost. You showed me the darkness in one I once trusted. Your wisdom, while juvenile at times, is powerful when it needs to be. You have become my rock in the storm. I… feel there is so much more that I can say, but I don’t believe it is necessary. So I will end with this: Thank you.”

“No probs, toots. Ain’t no thing but a g-string.”

She put her other hoof on the other shoulder, and I quickly felt them both go to my cheeks. My legs barely kept from buckling under her horse-like weight. “If you pass off my heartfelt admonition of friendship to you with your hip urban lingo that you know I can’t understand again, I’m going to break your neck.” I decided not to reply. After a few more seconds, she removed the second hoof and the original one went back to my shoulder. “Let’s try this again.” She lightly cleared her throat and said, “So I will end with this: Thank you.”

I covered her hoof with my hand. “I am happy to be your friend, Celestia. I’m not good at the sappy shit, you know that. But despite all the fucked up shit you’ve done to me and despite all the slightly unpleasant things I’ve done to you, I still find myself happy to see you. I still enjoy being around you. You are my friend, and I do not regret that.”

Her ears twitched slightly as she remembered a few things. “If I could undo the past—”

“You can’t. But we’re not thinking about that anymore, Celestia. We’re both looking forward.” Except when it comes to Luna, because fuck that bitch. I may not be looking at the past anymore, but I damn sure learned my lessons.

She sighed and looked away. “It seems I truly do have much to learn about friendship…”

“I have an awesome idea.” She looked back at me, lifting an eyebrow. “You should send me letters through Spike about what you’ve learned of the magic of friendship.”

“Very well,” she immediately said, nodding once.

“Wait, shit, no—”

“But only because you asked, my dear friend,” she said, leaning forward and nuzzling my face, cutting me off. “I’ll be ever so delighted to send you letters about what I learn. It’s truly a brilliant idea.”

“You know I was just—”

She pressed the tip of one of her wings against my mouth, silencing me. “Thank you for the idea, Nav. Now, forgive me, but I believe I’ve kept Moonbeam waiting for too long. I’ll see you soon, either for lunch or for dinner.” Before I could even tell her to go fuck herself, she teleported out with a large, shit-eating grin on her face.

“Shut the fuck up, Flo,” I pre-emptively said.

That just made her laugh harder. Thankfully, I was pretty sure that Celestia was just joking.

But somehow, I felt like I should know better.

Flo arrived in Canterlot around three or so in the afternoon. I was letting her paint another picture with my body, because she enjoyed that a lot more than writing books, when she slid under the door and snatched me from behind.

The ensuing confrontation ended with six ponies accidentally snuggled, four guards and two maids. It also caused some minor property damage that Flo was able to fix herself, thankfully.

It also ended with me feeling a hell of a lot more safe, because it’s hard to stab a dagger through something that can literally tear it apart at a molecular level, and I can easily wear her around my body like clothing. Of course, I’d also be wearing normal clothing, because she’s partially transparent.

When we returned to my room after snuggling her last set of guards, I sat back down on the painter’s stool. “So, do you want to keep going, or go out on the town? Maybe see Canterlot with your own eyes?”

“I did that the last time I was here, actually. I toured the city some before seeing Celestia and some more after, though I did it very clandestinely. Truthfully, the city isn’t that impressive to me. I’d prefer to keep painting. But I want to try something, if you don’t mind.”

“By all means.”

She motioned me away from the canvas, so I moved back. Several watery tendrils sucked in all the paint on the palette, then slid back into her body. She quickly became a kaleidoscope of colors before throwing her body at the canvas. When she slid off, the whole painting was complete. The cover painting for Bacchanale stood before me.

“Holy shit.”

Flo moved over next to me to survey her work. “This makes things easier, huh?”

I slowly turned my head to look at her. She was glowing a bright pink. I sighed and grabbed my bag of bits. “Let’s go get some more art supplies, I guess…”

By nightfall, she managed to do twenty more. Thankfully, she let me copy more books while she did her bullshit freaky art shit. I finally finished one by the time I appeared on someone else’s bed.

A green glow took one of my legs and one of my arms. A golden glow took the other leg and arm. Both stretched out across the bed and forced me down. Before I could really contemplate too much about where I was or what was going on, Celestia and Moonbeam both hopped on the bed with me, staring down at me with small smiles.

“So we got to talking,” Celestia said. “We’re all friends, and friends do so love to share.”

“And while she could take you one night and then I could take you the other night, that seems… somewhat selfish,” Moonbeam added.

“So we’re both just going to play with you at the same time,” Celestia finished.

“...As long as I can walk in the morning, I will allow this,” I said.

My clothes just fucking vanished. That heralded the start of a very satisfying and filling night. And of course, we were all late for breakfast the next morning.

Two ponies called on me around noon the next day. Flo was currently done with her bullshit retarded art stuff and was up to thirty paintings. The only reason she stopped is because she ran out of canvases and I didn’t want to go to the bank to get the bits it would take to hire someone to bring another thirty back to the palace.

Of course, I was chilling on the bed, writing again, when the maid knocked on the door. Without even taking a second to ask, Flo opened the door. We both saw several conflicting emotions on the maid’s face before the most pressing one took over: fear. “Did… did you rob an art museum?”

“No, I did not,” I said, setting down the pen and the book I was writing in.

“So… where did all these paintings come from?”

“Me,” Flo said, making the maid jump in surprise. “I painted them.”

“Y-y-you can talk?!” the maid squeaked, eyes wider than Celestia’s ass.

“And many other things,” Flo said, lifting an arm that started morphing into various shapes. “There are many mysteries in this world, Rose Dancer.” The maid’s eyes went even wider, somehow. “Yes, I do know your name. And plenty more besides. But I’m sure you came here for a reason, did you not?”

“W-what… what are…”

“I am a water elemental,” Flo answered. “I am bonded to Navarone, his protector and supporter. He saved me from a fate worse than death, so I will stay forever by his side.” Even when I don’t want you there. “Especially when he doesn’t want me there.”

The maid took a few deep breaths before finally relaxing a little. “I… I see. Do you… have a name?”

“I do. I am Flo.”

“Well… I am pleased to meet you, Miss… Flo. If you are a guest of Lady Navarone, you are welcome in the palace, and if you need anything, please feel free to let me or any other servant know.” Flo bowed her head for a moment. The maid finally turned her attention back to me, considerably less freaked out. “Lady Fleur de Lis and Sir Fancy Pants are here to see you, my lady. Would you care to join them in a sitting room, or should I bring them here?”

“Well, it absolutely reeks of paint in here, but I’m selling the art through them anyway. Send them here. We might move to another room if the smell gets to them.”

“Very well, Lady Navarone.” She bowed and left, pulling the door closed behind her.

Flo turned back to me, a smile on her face. “Your wings didn’t twitch nearly as much when she called you a lady this time. You’re improving.”

“Literally kill yourself.” That just made her smile more. “Can you do anything about this smell?”

“No. I can suck up liquids better than your slutty lips, but I can’t do much for smells. An open window is the best I can do, I’m afraid. You really should have thought of that before you started painting where you sleep.”

“No, I did think of it. I just figured being constantly high from paint fumes would be fun.” She rolled her eyes. After a second, I found myself wondering if there was a point to lying to someone that could see my thoughts.

“There’s not,” she said as someone else knocked on the door.

Once again, she opened without even letting me say anything. “Come on in,” I said, finally sliding off the bed. “Though you’ll probably want to go somewhere else soon.”

“Hello… dear sweet Celestia, what is that?” Fancy said as they walked in. Fleur looked like she was about to go in for the hug, but used one of her hooves to cover her nose instead.

“That is paint,” I said. “We got thirty more done for you.”

“...We.” He finally looked at Flo. “I… see. And who might you be… ma’am?”

“I am Flo, the water elemental,” she replied. “It is through my power that Nav has been able to replicate human art and books. Now that he has finally freed me, I am able to do it far more quickly.” Both of the ponies were looking at the appreciable number of paintings placed against the walls.

“If this is the result, I wish he had done so sooner,” Fancy said. “When will these paintings be ready to sell?”

“They should all be dry enough to transport by nine tonight,” Flo said. “Once these are gone, Nav and I will go obtain more materials and a new place to paint and I shall begin the process anew.”

“That’s amazing!” Fleur said. “How long does it take you to do a single one?”

“Seconds.” Both of their mouths dropped. “Preparing and breaking down the canvas takes longer.”

“That’s… astounding…” Fancy whispered. “And… you’re a water elemental? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“There’s a reason for that,” I said. “Let’s go somewhere else. I’m getting lightheaded and Fleur’s still too afraid to drop her hoof to hug me, which just ain’t right.”

“Then please, lead the way,” Fancy said, waving a hoof out the door. “I believe at this point, you might well be better acquainted with the castle than I.”

“Maybe. I’m probably allowed more run of it than you, at the very least.” Flo and I took the lead, letting the two of them follow. Fleur used magic to close the door to my room, sealing the horrible scents inside. And of course, she hugged me after that. “A more proper hello to you both,” I said, hugging her back. “I trust things have been going well since the party?”

“Correct,” Fancy said with a nod. His wife let me go, back to being all smiley and shit. “Word about my orientation spread far and quickly. However, I believe that my wife was… extremely good at her profession, and already smoked most of the rest that were hiding; no one else has come out that wasn’t planned.”

“Give it time,” I said with a shrug. “Though as you said, Fleur was definitely good at her task, even if she did catch one or two false positives.”

“There is strength in honor and loyalty,” Fancy Pants said. “It was up to her to find one that would deny her. It was up to me to find out why. Those that were true to their wives or had a strong personal honor were kept as close friends and allies. Those that had alternative interests were kept… slightly more close.”

“And I got my fun, either way,” Fleur wistfully sighed. “Though now that I find myself forced back into the game of romance, I shall likely find it regrettable.”

Flo reached a watery tendril back to her and morphed the rest of her body so it was all facing her while still walking the right way. “Romance is not required to live a fulfilling life, Fleur. Learn to live for yourself before trying to live for another.”

The mare sighed. “True, I suppose. I just do so adore the idea of truly falling in love with my own prince and being held by his strong hooves every night… I know it’s an unrealistic thought, especially given what I know of the world, but alas, the heart wants what it wants…”

“That’s why you have to learn to shut it down,” I said with a shrug. “I died on the inside ages ago and I’m perfectly okay with being lonely for the rest of my life.”

“That seems… unpleasant,” Fancy said.

“It very much is,” Flo replied. “That is why he has been trying to rekindle his aching heart.”

“Shut up, Flo. You aren’t my real dad!”

She giggled and reached a tendril out to pinch my cheek. I slapped it away, of course. She was about to try again, but I entered one of the palace’s many sitting rooms that exist away from the one Celestia made just to torture me.

I snagged the first couch. Surprisingly, Fleur hopped up next to me and then plopped across my lap. Fancy took the chair opposite and Flo just sort of oozed around the room, looking about.

“You may now pet me,” Fleur said, grabbing one of my hands with magic and putting it on her neck.

“Oh yeah, I did say I’d do that.” So I started petting her soft body, rubbing it in most of the right ways.

Fancy smiled. “Should you find your way back to male, I’d love to try, should you not mind me possibly getting excited.”

“We’ll talk. Anyway, you never did say why you came by. Can I help you with something?”

“Perhaps,” he said. “We came to discuss a few things. First, I wanted to tell you that the three ex-noble widows have been arrested. They denied everything, of course, but we forced the truth spell on them and they refused to say any more, which is taken as an admission of guilt.”

“If that’s the case, what’s the point of the mind reading spell?” I asked. “Why not just use the truth spell and ask if someone is guilty?”

“Because sometimes, questions aren’t that simple. Asking if somepony is guilty doesn’t tell you what they’re guilty of, first. But usually, that spell is used to determine the where’s and the why’s. Where are the stolen goods? Why did you attack that pony? Things of that nature, that are not yes or no. But regardless, the small remainder of their wealth has been confiscated and the three of them are now in the high security prison, awaiting sentencing.”

“Ballin’.” His wife’s head was now in my lap and she was cooing softly in contentment. “Am I gonna need to testify against them?”

“No. According to the witnesses, you didn’t even see the dagger they were about to use to stab you in the back. They will testify for you. There is no need for the victim to be present.”

“Even better. Did they put up a fight when you took them?”

“One did. We subdued her easily, however. Thankfully, this was the one that wasn’t a duelist. The others surrendered easily, knowing that attempting to fight would only increase any possible sentencing.”

“Smart on them.”

“Indeed. That leads to another of the things I needed to discuss with you. Captain Midnight and I spoke after I brought those three in. We are of the opinion that while you are in the city, you should be openly accompanied by one or two guards. Not so much for your protection, but to remind the citizens that you enjoy the princess’s personal grace and can wield her power how you see fit. We both believe that would deter any attacks on you, saving the lives of ponies and saving you trouble.”

“...As long as they’re pegasi. I doubt I’ll go out much and it won’t matter until my wing is healed, but I don’t want to have to walk to deal with any slow groundies.”

“Of course,” he said with a nod. “That is standard for all targets with wings. The princesses, you, any griffin ambassadors. Visiting grounded races like the minotaurs or diamond dogs get unicorns and earth ponies.”

“Then I’m okay with it.“ Fleur finally rolled over on her back, giving me some very interesting ‘come hither’ eyes that I chose to obey. My hands quickly caressed her belly and she softly moaned.

“Excellent. It also helps the princess’s image, making the ponies believe she’s taking an interest in the safety of one of her close friends. Anyway, the last thing I’d like to discuss is entirely different in nature. My wife has told me that you need her assistance in a very important matter.”

“That’s true,” I said. “I also happened to tell that same wife that some things are better left not shared.” Like my hands, which I pulled away as punishment. She viciously pouted.

When she got done being totally adorable, she said, “I believe I read in one of your human books that your married couples are, in some cases, considered one person. You advised me against spreading this news. You did not say I couldn’t tell myself, however…”

Oh god dammit. “Well, whatever. Yes, I did say I needed her help keeping Canterlot pacified for a while. Shit’s probably gonna go haywire here in the coming months, more than it has been recently. I need Canterlot stable.”

“...There was talk of demons and extinctions,” Fancy quietly replied.

“Damn. I guess when you do something stupid, you disregard the little guns and just straight go full retard,” I said, looking down at Fleur.

She rolled her eyes and replied, “Something that large affects us all, Nav. If what you’re saying is true, and I fully believe that it is since it’s coming from you, it should be the responsibility of everypony… No, everyone, to deal with it. Or to at least assist with it. This chaotic demon must be stopped.”

“But on the same vein, it feeds on panic and discord,” I said. “If word gets out and people freak the fuck out, which would be totally understandable, it’ll grow stronger. And of course, ponies are prey pack animals. If a few start freaking out, it can quickly start a chain reaction that’ll send the vast majority into a panic. I’ve seen it happen more than once in Ponyville.”

Fancy’s head lowered for a moment before lifting back up. “That is true, in some occasions. But from the way you speak, you believe there is a war of sorts coming. Do you not believe it better to have preparations? Or to have more ponies assisting you and the princess?”

“Me, no. I already have a full crew and my ship probably can’t really sustain many more. Celestia, sure. Every noble that actively supports her and stops plotting against her is good. And of course, they need to stop plotting against each other as well. This is a time for unification. Tell your peeps to unfuck themselves, and to turn their time and attentions to making the world a better place for everyone instead of just themselves.”

He slowly nodded. “That is something that I have been attempting for some time, with very limited success. I’m sad to say that power corrupts, it seems, and often causes those with it to desire ever more.”

“Your speech at the party the other night was perfect,” I said. “Nobles are supposed to embody virtues, not sins. Thankfully, it’s much easier to get people to follow a good example than to scare them into being good, so hopefully you set the stage when you took the first step. Honesty is one of the seven great virtues of my world, the others being temperance, charity, diligence, humility, patience, and kindness. Find nobles or great heroes that fit the mold and praise them among your friends. Spread the idea that acting virtuously is the only way a noble should act. The best part is that, in time, the commoners will probably start emulating that.”

“Many of them already seem to live good lifestyles,” Fleur said. “Rarity, at least, is among the most generous of the ponies I know.”

Unless you’re a human. “And there are plenty of lesser nobles that also do,” Fancy said. “But among the upper ranking nobility, plotting, planning, gossiping, and in some cases, outright criminality is common. It is, in fact, how they or their families typically became upper nobility.”

“Tch, ambition,” Flo contemptuously said, finally joining the fray. “Contrary to common belief, surviving in a safe, pleasant stability is far better than stabbing others in the back to achieve a less safe, slightly more pleasant stability. It’s much better to be content with what you have, when it is more than enough to keep you stable.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” I replied. “You don’t have proper emotions, not the way those of us with blood do. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not particularly ambitious either, but I can usually understand their reason for wanting more. It was the human condition, after all. I suppose we couldn’t help but put a piece of ourselves, however small, in whatever we created.”

“...Whatever you created?” Fancy Pants quietly said, his voice turning it into a question of disbelief.

“You and I are human creations,” Flo said. “Along with almost every single other race currently in existence, at least in some respects. As far as I and Athena know, humans were the first race, the great engineers that created all those that followed. After Discord wiped out enough that it was guaranteed that the human race would have too little genetic diversity to go on, the remaining human scientists began bioengineering various life-forms that would slowly pick up enough intelligence to become sapient as time went on. It seems that they correctly guessed that Discord would survive them, so they made something of a slow burn with their creations, ensuring that a new sapient race would emerge to power around the time a cycle ended and the genocide began again. From what I and my sisters can tell, the extinction events weren’t complete in some instances, so there are several groups of sapient beings left.”

“I keep forgetting that I haven’t told everyone that yet,” I said with a shrug. “I came from the past, as you know. My species got wiped out shortly after the two of us went back by this same demon that we now call Discord. We created elementals like Flo to guide the early races and try to teach them to avoid some of our mistakes. Shit went haywire when the demon turned them against each other. He destroyed most of them and imprisoned almost all of the rest. Then we lose track of history up until he attacks the alicorn empire, leaving three survivors: Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis, though he corrupted her and turned her into a changeling. Now, just slightly over six thousand years later, he’s back.”

“That is… a lot to take in,” Fancy slowly said, looking down.

I shot some finger pistols at him. “That’s what your stallion said last night.” Flo popped me in the back of the head with a tendril.

“It’s a strange coincidence,” Fleur said, using magic to force one of my hands back on her tummy. “That one of the first race happened to come back around when the demon became free again, I mean.”

“The world is full of those,” I replied with a shrug, my hand going on autopilot to rub her belly again. “Humanity is the harbinger of all life as you know it. It only seems fitting that one of us should be here when the demon of chaos comes to reap humanity’s children once more. Or, to put it less poetically, it’s only fair that if one of us created this bastard, it should be our job to put him down. And I damn sure want revenge. But yeah, it’s definitely a strange coincidence. I don’t know if it was strange timing or if my arrival weakened his prison or what.”

“You have a very interesting way with words,” Fancy Pants said. “But you’re telling us quite a lot of… frankly, unbelievable things. I do trust you, and I most definitely remember our shared trip to the past, but much of what you’re saying is honestly quite ridiculous, at best.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable,” I said, waving the hand that wasn’t making Fleur whimper in delight. “It doesn’t really matter if you believe me or not. Most of this is just basic history. What’s important is, first, that you don’t spread it. Second, that you take what I said to heart and get the nobles to unfuck themselves. I mean, they tried to fucking free Pertz. The one who, in front of a courtroom, practically admitted to ordering a genocide, a mass rape, a regicide or two, and tons of other bad things. Three of those motherfuckers thought freeing that evil pony would be a good idea. If three of them acted on it, at least a dozen of them were thinking about it. That is, quite frankly, unacceptable.”

“I happen to agree,” Fancy said. “That is why I made a point of arresting their widows personally. And despite my misgivings with much of what you said, I do agree with the goal you have laid out for me and my wife. It is time for all of us to go back to living up to our title of noble. And as you said, an example to follow would be considerably more useful to us all than scaring them with what you say is the truth.”

“Yeah. So if you know of any…”

He slowly eased back, leaning against the couch more. “I have someone in mind. While not always honorable or honest, this fellow has been unyieldingly polite to everypony he has met and has had a fervent devotion to the princesses. He built himself up from nothing and has come quite a long way, sacrificing his safety and his time for the good of Equestria. I believe he would be a perfect example.”

“Sounds like he might be,” I said with a shrug, going back to paying more attention to his adorably squirming wife. The noises she was making kinda made me wonder how she would sound in bed.

“There is one small issue with this fellow, though,” he said. “He is still technically a commoner.”

Flo chuckled and said, “That won’t be a hard thing to fix, at the moment. Three powerful noble families just got cast down. Their land and titles all for the taking, now.”

“She’s right,” I said. “Celestia mentioned something like that. You should talk to the princess about this guy, see if she’d be willing to elevate him.”

“I’m of the opinion that he wouldn’t be interested,” Fancy sighed.

“Want me to talk to him?” I asked. “Sometimes, personal convictions have to be sacrificed for the good of everyone. If he’d be good as an example for all of us to follow, he should take an opportunity to be a noble. Assuming you can get him that opportunity, of course.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem,” Fancy Pants said with a smile.

Two seconds later, Celestia teleported in, an even wider smile on her face. “Hello, Navarone.”

And just like that, it clicked. “Oh, you son of a—” Flo covered my mouth with a tendril, giving Celestia a chance to speak.

“I believe you said it yourself, Nav: In times of great strife, personal convictions must occasionally be put to the side for the good of us all. There will be many who won’t like this outcome, but they will come to accept it. Yourself included.” She eyed my chest and then one of my wings for a moment before looking me back in the eyes and continuing, “In time, even the greatest or most unbelievable of changes can be accepted as a true part of us. I would grant you the position of a noble lady of Equestria. Your castle near Ponyville will become your stronghold and the Everfree Forest, your fief. I am not offering this to you because I want to be with you, Nav. I am not offering this to you because of the mistakes I have made toward you. And I am not offering this to you because you are no longer a knight and I want you to be a part of Equestria. I’m making this offer of power and responsibility to you because you have shown that you deserve it. You have earned this in service of Equestria and all ponykind. And I believe that, by becoming a true noble lady, you will be of more service to us all just by the ideals you have come to represent. Flo, release him.” The water around my mouth receded, finally. “What say you, Navarone?”

“My reputation is shot, my image, tarnished. The people think I’m a slut, Celestia. Hell, they know I am. And half the nobles hate me. The ones that tried to kill me actually said I was your personal assassin. How’s it going to look when you give me the title of one of the ones that I killed?”

Fleur fielded that one, surprisingly. “Like you earned it in service to the crown,” she said. “Defeating traitors is pretty noble. And even if they may say otherwise, everypony knows that the three of them were traitors. I believe their widows just wanted petty revenge on you and tried to justify it to themselves.”

“And the sluttiness?” I asked. “Think of yourself, Fleur. How can either of us be considered good role models when both of our reputations have been ground through the dirt?”

She shrugged. “You’d be surprised how quickly and easily the ponies forget tabloids, Nav. Yes, we do have slightly tarnished reputations, but how many ponies have actually mentioned anything you’ve done? Reporters can easily be swayed to your side, should you choose to handle them with tact rather than fear and violence. Once that is done, the written word is putty in your glorious, sensual hands.”

“She is correct,” Celestia said. “Remember when you published those pictures of me with her?”

“You don’t know that was me,” I very quickly said.

“Nav, Taya told me you took those pictures for her.” God dammit, Taya. “Not that it would have taken much thought to figure out, regardless. Back to the point: After that, I issued no response and continued on my way. Reporters crave reactions, because they can turn that into a story that the masses will mindlessly devour. If you give them nothing, their source of news dries up and withers away and they find something else to talk about. Everypony knows what I did to Fleur, but it isn’t in the forefront of their minds because it is no longer on front pages. You will be the shining beacon of light in the murky gloom, your good deeds on display for all to see and your past misdeeds forgotten. Fleur and I will see to that, Nav.”

Flo slid up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. “You have many plans for your future, Nav. Noble titles can be rescinded. Or, better still, passed on to your next of kin. I do not believe such a thing to be beneficial to your long-term future, but I believe in the short-term, this would be a wise move for many reasons. You can use it to bring legitimacy to your ventures on the airship, should the need to be associated with Equestria ever arise. And you can use your power in many ways at each Equestrian port you find yourself in, if it is ever needed. And, in the long run, it grants you the ability to do with the Everfree as you would, should the desire ever strike you.”

I slowly leaned back in my seat, my eyes going unfocused and my hand once more idly stroking the pony in my lap. Two of the three living people in the room eagerly awaited my next response. The third one continued softly cooing as I made her my tummy slut.

Finally, after I don’t even know how long, my eyes met Fancy’s. “I don’t Fancy being tricked, Pants.”

He widely grinned. “I’ve yet to meet anypony who does, Lady Navarone.”

I slowly and deeply sighed, then looked at Celestia. “When’s the ceremony?” Celestia proceeded to do the most adorable thing any pony ever could: Prance in place, whinnying in glee. When she got over it, I said, “You’re never allowed to do that again. That was so cute I think I almost had a heart attack.”

Just like that, she lifted Fleur out of my lap with magic and plopped herself down instead. “The ceremony will be in a week and a half,” she said, setting Fleur down next to her husband. “That is when your ship should arrive back in Canterlot. Your crew will all attend, and Taya will stand at your side.”

“How do you know more about my ship’s status than I do?”

“Because I wrote Spike a letter before asking Fancy to do this.”

“Fucking… whatever. I want you to know that this is bullshit and that all four of you are horrible people for doing this to me.”

Celestia rolled over onto her back and rubbed her head against my hand. “You’ll come to enjoy it in time, Nav,” she said.

“There truly is nothing to fear,” Fancy said. “The life of a noble is not one without responsibilities, of course, but there won’t be many that you haven’t already been doing. The main difference is that you can now have official vassals.”

“Man, who the fuck is gonna want to be my vassal?” I asked. “I’m gonna own the fucking Everfree. No one’s gonna want land there!”

“But some will flock to you anyway,” Celestia said. “Land or not. I’m quite sure you’ll figure something out. And in time, I might have more plots of land readily available for you. I would offer you Ponyville, but I have other plans for that.”

“Man, I don’t even care. I’m not planning on doing much of anything with this shitty fucking title. I can be the stupid symbol thing you want, but all three of you better be doing the legwork on using my example, because I don’t wanna do jack fucking nothing for this shit.”

Celestia tilted her head slightly. “That was a double negative, I think. Does that mean you’re going to be the perfect lady to inspire the masses?”

“Literally kill yourself.” Fancy and Fleur both blinked in shock. Celestia just grinned and carefully booped me on the nose with a hoof. “Hey, that’s my action! Stop appropriating my culture!”

“No.” She booped me again, then stuck her tongue out.

I quickly snatched it and pulled it tight, making her eyes widen. “The only reason I’m not tearing this out right now is because I expect to put it to good use tonight,” I said. “Now, if you boop me again, you and I are going on a ride through Canterlot. I’ll make sure to get ginger root from the kitchens and the crop from Chrysalis’s room.” Her ears sank straight down. I released her tongue and then booped her for good measure.

“So what’s the ginger for?” Fleur asked.

I started rubbing Celestia’s belly and replied, “Humans domesticated horses, which were mindless animals in our time. Sometimes, we’d take them to races or shows. Having an upright tail and a lively gait gave them extra points in things like that. So to cheat, humans would either carve out a ginger root and shove it up the horse’s ass or they’d use a swab and dab some oil in the vagina or the ass.” And that made all the ears in the room drop. “Of course, it was against the rules, but people still did it.”

“That’s… barbaric,” Fancy quietly said. “And you did things like this?”

“Me? Nah. The horses my family had were too old for shows. Shit was hella fucked, though.”

Fleur and Fancy shared a short look, then turned their gazes back at me. “Well, this was certainly an interesting conversation,” Fleur said. “But I believe it might be time for us to head home. We’ll need to talk to some ponies about arranging an art show anyway, if we want to get those paintings sold in a reasonable time frame.”

“Paintings?” Celestia asked, her ears perking back up. “Have you finished more?”

“Flo did,” I said. “There’s thirty in my room at the moment.”

“I see. I shall call on you soon to ensure they are appropriate. It certainly wouldn’t do to scare more of my little ponies.”

“Now see, I’d take that a lot more seriously if you weren’t wearing a dopey grin and blushing while having your belly rubbed,” I said. “I mean, Flo painted these things. Most of them are waterfalls, springs, lakes, or swamps. I’m the one who paints the hyper realistic proto renaissance creepy decaying Jesus pictures.”

Celestia shivered. “Whatever that thing was that you gave me was disgusting, unnatural, and should have been burned. Instead, I hung it above Luna’s bed.”

“Oh, that? That was just Saturn Devouring His Son,” I replied with a shrug. “You just have no taste.” Celestia scoffed, but didn’t say anything.

“We can send somepony by in the morning to collect them,” Fancy said. “Or rather, those that are left after the princess has her say.”

“Works for me,” I said. “It was good seeing you again, Fleur. And go fuck yourself with a cactus, Fancy.”

They both grinned. Fancy bowed his head for a short moment before replying, “I only used your words, my dear lady.”

“Yeah, well, half of what comes out of my mouth is complete and total bullshit anyway. You should never use my words, they’re total garbage.”

“And yet, they worked so well at convincing you,” Celestia said.

“Shut up, Celestia. You aren’t my real princess!”

“Oh? Then who is?” she asked with a filthy little smirk.

“Cadance. She’s best princess. You’re just some shitty knockoff brand.”

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Fleur quickly said. “It’s been a pleasure!” She galloped to the door and got out before anyone could reply. Fancy joined her moments later, deciding that being somewhere else might be wise.

The look on Celestia’s face made me agree, actually. “Well, this was fun,” I said, trying to inch out from under her. “But I think it’s time for me to—” The door slammed shut. Flo apparently used my distraction to leave as well, closing the door behind her. “...to leave.” I finished inching my way out from under her and quickly started going for the door. The handle lit up with a golden aura before I could touch it and then literally melted. “On second thought, let’s stay for a while and talk…”

“My dearest Lady Navarone… Hm. What do you want to be lady of, Nav? Lady of Flowers, maybe? Lady of Butterflies? Bows and Ribbons? Pink?”

“Um… I’m gonna go with none of the above.”

She finally smiled very sweetly. “Well, we have some time to decide.”

“...Yeah. So uh, I got a… thing. I got a thing planned. You mind um, unmelting the door handle, maybe?”

“You embarrassed me in front of one of my vassals, Nav. Do you know what happens to those that embarrass their princess?”

“They get a medal and a five hundred bit reward?”

Her horn lit up and dragged me over to the couch. “I’m afraid that’s incorrect,” she said, draping me over one of the couch armrests, stomach down. “They get punished.” She used magic to carefully pull down my pants and then summoned up a paddle. “Please do remember that you did this to yourself.”

“That really doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“I know.” With that, she started. It was not enjoyable.

My body was not feeling all that great the next day. Between what Celestia did and then what Celestia and Chrysalis both did that night, my body was hurting. And of course, both of them refused to heal me.

Flo also refused to heal me, because I either deserved it or consented to it. So I was just lying face down on my bed, completely naked, with Flo covering my body in water to keep me decent.

“My life sucks,” I groaned at some point.

“No, just your lips,” Flo said. “And I certainly didn’t see Chrysalis complaining.”

“Man, I just got press-ganged into being a fucking lady. Like, an actual noble lady. Ain’t nothing ‘bout that shit right. And if you’re just gonna keep mocking me, you can get right the fuck up out my head. I ain’t about that life, dawg. I got enough peeps pushing me down. I need more supporters, not more haters.”

“Nav… you know you’re not black, right?”

“I’m black where it counts,” I muttered, trying to sink further into the bed.

“I’m sorry, but you don’t have the Oakland booty,” she said. “And I swear by the four, if you say anything about abandoning Taya, I’m going to spank you, too.”

“Flo, that’s racist.”

“I learned all the stereotypes from you, Nav.”

“Man, what the fuck ever. Point is, this shit’s mad ridic, yo. I don’t wanna be a chick, I don’t wanna be a lady, I don’t wanna have to be the one to fight and kill this ageless and undying genocidal demon, I don’t wanna deal with more crazy fucking ponies, I don’t wanna do so much… I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a few years and let it all sort itself out, you know?”

“I know, Nav.” She slowly pulled herself off my body and laid a hand on the cast around my wing. “I think going for a flight would help put your mind at ease, Nav. You find it relaxing, you know?”

“Maybe… But my wing is still fucked.”

“Maybe. But I bet I can heal it all up right now. What do you think?”

I sighed and shrugged. “Celestia’s been doing her magic to it and nothing’s come from it, so whatevs. Go for it, I guess.”

She slid her watery goodness under the cast, pressing up against the wing. “I must say, given that you lost it, having it reattached and back to whole this quickly is fairly astounding, for those without an elemental’s abilities.”

“Magic is a hell of a drug. For some reason, I can barely feel your water.”

“Hm.” A few seconds later, the cast started dissolving. When it was fully gone, she gasped.

I looked back and shouted in surprise, flapping the leathery bat wing that greeted my eyes. Dozens of feathers scattered across the room, finally freed from the cast. “What the fuck?!”

Another hand grew out of Flo and forced me back onto the bed. The original two straightened out the wing so she could examine it more closely. “Nav, remain calm.”

“Easy for you to fucking say!” I knew she was right, though. Freaking out about whatever the fuck that was did me no good. My heart rate started to normalize as she inspected the limb.

“What do you feel?” she asked, running another tendril of water across the limb.

“I… I feel the water,” I said. “But it’s not like it was against my feathers. It’s… it really is like the wings I had as Luna’s knight. This is insane. Do you think this shit will spread further?”

“I do not know. You feel no pain?”

“I don’t. What do we even do about this, Flo? Everyone’s gonna freak the fuck out and if it continues to spread, there’s no telling what it could do to me.”

She carefully wrapped the place where my wing got bisected in her cold grasp. “And you don’t feel this?”

“I feel your hands. I don’t feel any pain.”

Her grip released me and she pulled me up to a sitting position. “I am going to give you a choice, Nav. It isn’t a pleasant one and it has no right or wrong answer at this moment. If you allow me to remove the wing, I am almost positive the corruption will disappear and that it will grow back normal, likely within two months. Or we can take our chances and hope it spreads no further.”

“...Let’s talk to Celestia. And maybe Inquisitor, if we can find him.”

“Very well. Please, allow me to find the princess. I believe that until you decide, it would be wise to remain out of sight.”

“Alright.”

She waited a few more seconds, then put a hand to my cheek. “I will always be with you, Nav. No matter what happens and what choice you make.” She pulled away and sped out the door before I could tell her that I already knew that.

“Well, this is a new one,” I sighed, spreading the demonic wing. “I wonder if I can even fly like this…” No one answered me.

Five minutes later, Celestia and Moonbeam both teleported in. “Lie down,” Celestia told me, though Chrysalis was already using magic to push me into the bed. They both pressed their horns against the place where I got hit by the halberd. “Definite appearance of corruption,” Celestia said.

“Yet diagnostics pick up nothing,” Moonbeam replied. “But spells were always unreliable against demons, Celestia. That’s why you created the inquisitors.” They both pulled away from me. “I believe magic will show us what spells could not.”

“True. But his mind is very different, as we’ve already found.” They both looked at my hair for a short moment before looking back at each other. “I have an idea, one that might enable one of us to do a much deeper diagnostic check.”

“Let’s hear it,” Chrysalis said with a nod.

“I know an area of effect spell that swaps the minds of those in the area. If one of us casts it with Nav, the other could then access the more familiar mind in his body, giving us the full range.”

Moonbeam looked around the room for a moment before seeing a few spare bits. She floated one over. “I shall take the side of Luna, if you take your own,” she said.

“I think that’s fair. Sun, I get his body. Moon, you do.” Moonbeam nodded and tossed the coin up with magic. It hit the floor a few moments later, showing moon. Celestia’s horn lit up and a stick of chalk and a spellbook appeared. “Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four,” she sexily said as she moved the chalk to the floor.

Moonbeam took the book and set it on my bed while Celestia drew up the magic circle. “So uh… what exactly is going on?” I asked.

“You are going to swap bodies with Moonbeam,” Celestia said. “True magic enables a caster to do a lot more with somepony’s body than spells do, but only if the mind and body types are familiar. That means you need to know their psychology, the way they think, how they feel, what their brain is made up of, how their body works… So much knowledge is required. Your body is a hodge-podge of tree and human and pegasus because we knew very little about your body while we were trying to save you and we didn’t have time to learn. Now, we know a lot more about your body, but your mind is still extremely foreign to us both, because you haven’t allowed us to fully study it. We’ve both gotten a few glimpses, but not enough to know what truly makes you tick. But Moonbeam and I both started as normal alicorns, so we know more than enough about our minds to be able to test anything about each other.”

“Magic has a lot of stupid rules,” I absentmindedly said.

“This spell is very simple,” Chrysalis said, standing. “Is the circle complete?”

Celestia took a few moments to finish off some last second marks, then nodded. “It is.” Moonbeam grabbed me with magic and set me down in the circle, then stepped into it herself. “Are you ready, Nav?”

“Man, I guess.” Moonbeam nodded and her horn lit up. A second later, my consciousness filled up the bug queen’s body. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “My oh my, the things I see, the pheromones in the air…”

Moonbeam in my body slowly looked over her hands, then breathed in deep. “I… I forgot what it was like to… smell.” She looked at Celestia and sniffed slightly. “Are you wearing perfume?”

“I am. I’m sure Nav wouldn’t mind if you borrowed her body for a little longer, if we find that things have run their natural course with her wing. And if you’d choose such a thing, of course.”

“...Of course.” She finally stood and stretched. “I would not mind putting it through a few tests, as well. Humanity has interested me for some time now. I’d be delighted to know how well they perform.”

“It wouldn’t really be a fair test, at this point,” I said. “My endurance is so fucked up by Flo and the tree thing that it wouldn’t mean anything at all.”

“Ah. Well, I might perhaps still like to borrow it, or the body of a pony, for some time. I’d like to taste again at least once.”

“I don’t mind that in the slightest,” I said with a shrug. “And if you don’t want me embarrassing you, I can easily turn into something inconspicuous.” To demonstrate, I turned into Philomena and flew over to perch on Celestia’s shoulder.

“...You picked up transforming very quickly,” Celestia slowly said.

“She has had practice,” Moonbeam said. “But we digress.” She went over to the bed and fell into it. “If the corruption is still active, we must find and destroy it.”

“Of course.” I hopped off Celestia and turned back into a queen. Celestia walked over next to my body and kissed the part of my wing that got cut up.

A kiss? Really? As Celestia was doing her thing, Flo oozed back into the room and then up my legs, filling in each hole as she went and making me shiver in a strange, perverse delight. “I think you look good in black,” Flo quietly told me.

“Suddenly, I feel like listening to rap music too loud and avoiding large bodies of water.” Flo sighed in utter disappointment. “So is this true magic? Just kissing?”

“Well, if friendship is magic, love must be, like, super magic or something,” Flo said. “So I guess?”

“Weird.” I removed the weird crown from my head and placed it on Flo’s. “I can feel that stupid thing shift every time I move. I have no idea how she keeps it on.”

“The grace and poise of a proper queen,” Flo said. “Something lacking in the simple ways of a warrior. Though I’m sure you’ll grow into it in time. Perhaps spending a few days as Queen Moonbeam would do you good.”

“Perhaps shutting your fucking face would do you good, hm?”

I felt something coming from Celestia and I managed to look at her before something pressed against my lips. “Take your own advice,” she said, pulling away from my wing. “This is difficult enough in silence.” With that, she released me and went back to making out with my body.

Since I didn’t really want my body to get eaten by some kind of demon corruption, I decided to stay silent. Flo also presumably wanted what was best for me, so she didn’t even sexually tease me, though I knew she wanted to. And I’ll have you know that not only did she not hit me for writing that, she actually confirmed it.

So I just kinda stood there for about three more minutes while Celestia did her weird kissy kissy thing. When she finally pulled back, she lifted a hoof to her chin in thought. “Very interesting.”

“What did you find?” Moonbeam asked.

“It appears that the demon corruption has hit the main body right at the wing joint, here,” she used one of her wings to point to where the bat wing connected to my back. “And it just completely stopped. By all rights, it should be spreading to the rest of the body, but it’s not.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I have a few guesses,” Celestia said with a shrug.

“As do I,” Moonie said. “I believe it is the tree physiology fighting the demon magic. Or rather, the tree physiology stopping the demon magic. I’ve heard of dozens of corrupted animals, but never any corrupted plants. It’s entirely possible that the tree changes that have taken over much of the rest of her body haven’t hit her wings yet, since they’ve never been injured to the point where it was necessary. They are still both governed by the typical animal rules, meaning corruption is possible. But the rest of her body is blocked off by the tree characteristics.”

“That’s fucking retarded,” I sighed, shaking my head.

“Do you want a full demon body or not?” Celestia asked. “Because if you want, I’m sure we can find a way to bridge the gap and let it corrupt the rest of you, too.”

“Look, I’m just saying, if we chop it off and it regrows as a leaf or something, I’m gonna be super pissed,” I said.

She rolled her eyes and looked back at the wing. “That was my main guess as well,” she said with a nod. “Demonic energies can corrupt much, but I’ve never heard of it changing plant matter. I believe that if we left it as is, you will be safe.”

“Will it, like, try to strangle me while I sleep or something?” I asked. They both slowly looked at me and raised one eyebrow each. “What? It’s a fucking demon wing!”

“...That is a fair point,” Moonbeam said. “But no. I am of the opinion that it will continue to obey your orders. If the corruption reached your brain, it might take over. But a localized corruption like this should be safe.”

“And you’re both positive that it’ll stop there?” I asked. “Because Flo’s pretty sure she can painlessly remove it and help it grow back in a few months with no corruption. I’d be without flight for a while, but it’s better than waking up one day half demon.”

“I am positive that you’ll be fine,” Celestia said. “If it has not spread further by this point, it won’t spread further. Now whether you can fly or not, I can’t say.”

“...Alright. I happen to need wings for the moment. I can remove it later, when things calm down and I won’t be on an airship for a while. But I want you to promise me that if I go full demonic, you either cure me or kill me, not put me in Tartarus.”

“Agreed,” she immediately said, nodding. “You’d likely start as a lesser demon. As long as I found out soon enough, you’d be nearly harmless to me. Not that it will be an issue, of course.”

“...Of course. So now what?” I asked.

Moonbeam looked down at her new body for a moment before shrugging and looking back up. “I’d appreciate borrowing your body for a few hours, but if you are in a hurry to have it back, I understand. I haven’t been able to taste in… some time.”

“I’m okay with that. I want it back tomorrow, though. If I’m going to keep those wings, I’ll need to learn how to use them before the airship gets back.”

My body nodded. “Of course.”

Celestia looked at the leathery bat wing for a moment. “How are you going to practice?” she asked. “Do you need my help?”

“Nah. I’ll try it myself, first. But if I can’t figure it out, I have a friend in the Wonderbolts. I’ll send him a letter. I figure if anyone can teach me how to fly again, it’ll be one of those guys.”

“...Is that the stallion you accidentally dated?” Celestia asked. Moonbeam lifted an eyebrow.

“Hey, you abandoned me during our date, so I figured I could totally get a side piece.” She rolled her eyes. “But yes, yes it is.”

“Well, enjoy your time with him,” she said before looking back at Moonbeam. “We’ll recess for today, so you can take time to play with that body. We’ll meet back up at dinner and swap you both back then.”

“Very well. I shall see you tonight, then.” Celestia nodded and teleported away. Moonie’s face concentrated, then she went cross-eyed to try to look at her forehead. “Ah, right.” She looked over at me, then. “By your leave, I would like to visit the city.”

“Only if you wear something over the wings and bring Flo with you,” I said. “I trust that you won’t go full retard.”

“Perish the thought,” she sarcastically replied. “You are welcome to join me, as long as you wear a different body.”

After a few seconds of thought, I turned into Gilda. All the ponies I could think to turn into might know some people in Canterlot, and it would be awkward if I ran into someone. I figured the chances of Gilda knowing anyone in Canterlot were low. “Ready when you are… dweeb.”

“Of course. You would pick a griffin.” She rolled her eyes. “I suppose it no longer matters, these days. Very well, then. Shall we?”

We did. It was okay.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Five — Cloudsdale

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Five — Cloudsdale

The way I figured, even if I could fly with two mismatched wings without extra training, there was still a hell of a lot an actual, proper flyer could teach me. Rainbow Dash was a natural, and never really learned enough to be able to properly explain how she does what she does. I assumed a veteran Wonderbolt would have experience with several flying species. So I sent Soarin’ a note that night, after Moonbeam and I got back from our night on the town.

Sure enough, I received a celebrity guest the next day around noon. The typical maid did her standard knocking routine. Flo did her standard rude routine and opened it without asking me first. The maid, whose name was apparently Rose Dancer or something, bowed and said, “A member of the Wonderbolts is here to see you, my lady.”

I was already fully dressed to greet the day, including a cover over my wings, so I hopped up and asked, “Where is he?”

“If you would care to follow me, I will take you to him.” She bowed again and then walked out. I followed her. Flo elected to remain behind.

“Is it Soarin’?” I asked.

“It is, my lady. He’s… quite handsome.” Why not hoofsome? “I heard the two of you were dating.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” I hastily replied. “We went to dinner together once. I think he had the wrong idea and… well, the news took some gossip and ran with it.”

“So he didn’t kiss you?”

“...Like I said, he had the wrong idea.” She smirked, but stayed silent. When we got to the palace entrance and I saw him, she bowed again and went on her merry way. Does she just wait around until someone wants to find me, or does she have some kind of super-pony senses?

Soarin’ widely grinned when he saw me, and met me halfway. “I heard you were back in town, but I thought you’d be too busy to have time to see me,” he said.

“It’s rare that I’m too busy for friends,” I shot back with a grin. “But I’ve definitely been busy. Though I imagine you have been, too. Surely Spitfire’s been trying to kick you in some kind of shape.”

“Round’s a shape,” he said with a shrug. “How have you been? I heard you got hurt.”

“You heard right. I’ve definitely been better. One of my wings got cut off while I was fighting the demon queen. It’s healed back up, but there was a… complication. I was wondering if you’d be willing to help me get back in the air.”

“Anything for you, Nav. I’ve never heard of a complication quite like… having a wing cut off, but I’ve helped a few fliers, both experienced and not, come back from broken and dislocated wings. Is there any pain?”

“No, not so much. But the complication is a little bit weirder than that.”

His head tilted slightly. “What’s wrong with it?”

I looked to my side, where I could see a pair of guards idly watching us. It was tempting to ask him to go for a walk with me to show it to him privately, but the guards were well on their way to trusting me and Celestia was the one that told me the wing was safe, so I just mentally said fuck it and pulled the drape off my wings. Soarin’s mouth dropped. “It was corrupted by demonic magic.” I flapped both wings a few times and said, “They still act like they should, but I’m not comfortable going for a flight without someone really experienced there with me.”

His mouth slid shut and he nodded. “I understand completely. I’ve… I’ve never even seen mismatched wings like this, but I think I can get you flying straight. And I’m definitely happy you came to me with this instead of trying to figure it out yourself. You might have gotten hurt again.”

“That, and I’m a weak flyer to begin with. I was wondering if you could give me tips or something.”

“Hold still.” I did so as he slowly circled me a few times, looking me up and down. Soon enough, he stopped in front of me and said, “Your body was not built for those wings.” He lifted one of his wings and pointed at my hip. “They should be around here, I’d say. Maybe a little bit higher. And they should circle around your body like a dress, not hang limply down. It’s obvious for any experienced and learned flyer that you’re not built for it. No offense to you, but I really don’t think you’ll ever be a strong flyer, though there are certainly tricks we can try to help you out. Of course, the more you work at it, the better you’ll be.”

“Cool. Do you have time to help me today, or do we need to wait? I’d like to get back in the air, but I understand if you have stuff going on.”

“Don’t worry about it. If you come up with me to the academy, I can talk to Spitfire. She’ll give me all the time I need to help a national hero, and if you want, she’d probably be happy to assign you somepony else.”

“I certainly wouldn’t mind her hooves all over me… Unfortunately, she already made her disinterest clear.”

“Well, she wouldn’t have time anyway. She’s too busy working on our own recruits. We have a few really promising ones this year. Shame that filly from Ponyville didn’t apply, but oh well. Anyway, the academy would be a good place for practicing; the clouds there are reinforced, so falling only means a bruised ego instead of a broken body. It’s also a lot more private than the average area. The only ponies that would see you would either be Wonderbolts or our recruits.”

“Well I mean, getting there is the main thing. Being able to fly at all is most of what I need. Everything else is just filling in the pie, as far as I’m concerned.” Of course, he licked his lips. That dude loves him some pie. “But sure. Despite being here for five or six years, I still haven’t seen Cloudsdale.”

His eyebrows shot straight up. “You haven’t been to Cloudsdale yet?”

“Nah. Never had a reason to.”

“Well buck it, then. Wanna make a day of it? That place is awesome. I can show you the weather factory and everything!”

“Sure. The way Dash always talks about it, the place has gotta be pretty neat. I’ve been all cooped up in the palace anyway. Starting to get bored out of my mind.”

“Awesome. And you have to fly to get everywhere there, so it’ll be extra practice. Are you ready now, or do you need to get anything?”

“Well, I left all my bits in my room. I’ll need to go get them, just in case.”

He waved a hoof. “Don’t worry about it. I can cover you.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot we were both loaded. I’ll get the next one, then.”

His smile turned sly. “We’ll see. Now, how do you usually take off?”

“Like, flight-wise?” He nodded. “Jump into the air and flap my wings real hard. I prefer jumping off of something high, though. It’s a lot easier.”

“And in this case, it’ll end with you splatting into the ground if your wings fail and I’m not fast enough to get to you.”

“That is a very good point. Then shall we head out?”

“Yeah.” We started walking to the main entrance. “So did you really fight the demon queen in hoof to hoof combat? I heard about it, but I’ve heard so many other rumors about you that I never know what to believe.”

“I didn’t. I fought her in hand to hand combat. Or more accurately, sword to glaive combat. She cut my wing in half and when it healed, it was corrupted. She was a very dangerous opponent, and regenerated constantly and eventually overwhelmed me. Shining Armor and the royal guards saved me.”

“That sounds really bad. Your life is… pretty dangerous, Nav. Are you sure you really want to keep doing things like this?”

“Nah. I never even wanted to start. Unfortunately, I have a really important job that I have to finish before I can retire. Don’t get me wrong, now: Fighting and killing are both really fun. But I really prefer not getting sharp things shoved at or in me.”

“I can definitely understand that second part,” he said with a nod. “We’re technically part of the Equestrian military, but we thankfully almost never get called to service. Anyway, here we are.” We were finally outside, in the largest courtyard the palace had. “You want to try taking off on your own?”

“Yes. The rest would be pretty pointless if I can’t even get in the air.” He shrugged. I took a few deep breaths and slowly spread my wings. When I was good and ready, I hopped up and thrust down. My feathery wing went down a lot faster than my bat wing, possibly due to different weights and what they were made of. I fell back to the ground, not having gone anywhere.

“Interesting. That’s something I hadn’t thought of. Your wings have different wind resistances,” he said. “The feathery one can allow some small air flow through it and around the edges, but the demon wing can’t. That’ll be difficult to compensate for. It’ll probably also make hovering in place almost entirely impossible, instead of just difficult for you. Flying up will likely be harder, but flying forward should be the same. I would suggest, once you get the hang of it, to make a habit of jumping from ledges to get in the air.”

“That was already my main goto,” I said. “This just enforces it. Let’s see…” Flo, can you help a brotha out?

“No, but I’ll happily help a sista.” I rolled my eyes and jumped back into the air. She was able to accurately adjust my wings and I got into the air. Since I knew staying there would be hard, I quickly got some altitude and began circling.

Soarin’ wasted no time in joining me. “You should have waited to try this until we knew you could land,” he said.

“Well, if we go straight to the academy, I can faceplant into the clouds if necessary.”

“True. But if you get stuck, I’ll laugh at you for a little while before helping.”

“Noted. Lead the way, flyboy.”

He looked at me with a grin. “If you get to call me that, I get to call you… I don’t know, let’s go with Navi.”

“Let’s not and say we didn’t.”

He shrugged and looked back forward. “Maybe some day.” With that, he finally picked a direction and started angling up. I followed him at an uncomfortably sedate pace. Now that I was in the air, Flo was no longer helping me and I had to try to keep myself afloat. It was not easy. I kept dipping down and just barely catching myself before heading into a dive. I don’t know if he was going higher to try to get to Cloudsdale or if he was making sure he’d have time to catch me if I spiraled out of control. “So how long are you in town?” he finally asked.

“Another week, maybe. Probably not much longer. My ship got damaged in Africa. It’s at a drydock for repairs. But Celestia needed my help, so she brought me here. As much as I needed the break, I’m looking forward to getting back to my duty.”

“Especially since this break hasn’t been very relaxing, from what I’ve heard.”

You can say that again. “It’s had its moments. Cloudsdale isn’t several hours away, is it?”

“Nah. At this speed, maybe half an hour. If you don’t mind holding onto me, I can probably cut that to ten minutes. If you’re in the air like this, you can obviously fly. You’ll just need some more practice to keep it even.”

“I certainly don’t mind riding stallions,” I said. “Or do you want me under you?”

He smiled and said, “Top or bottom, doesn’t matter much to me. But we’d probably both be more comfortable with you under me…”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. Go ahead and grab me.”

“Stop flapping your wings for a sec.” I did so and started gliding. He darted behind me and carefully grabbed me under the arms. “You ready?”

“Let’s do it.” He shot off, easily going about three times as fast, even with my extra weight. At that speed, talking would be impossible, so I didn’t even try. Instead, I opted to watch the landscape under me. We passed over several farms, one village, a forest or two, and came close to a mountain.

Finally, all the cloud cover just suddenly disappeared and a magnificent city appeared in the sky before me. Rainbow rivers led to waterfalls leading down to the surface. Towering structures of all kinds dotted the massive cloud city, impossible architectural feats made possible by the texture and weight of the building material. Thousands of pegasi flocked around, going about their standard city business. Even from where I was, I could see several armed patrols of pegasus guards leisurely soaring above the city.

When it was fully in view, Soarin’ slowed down. “You ready to fly on your own again?” he asked.

“Hope so. Drop me.” He did so and I fell into a dive. I shot my wings out and slowed my descent, then used them to flip me around in the air so I could easily pull up. That weird maneuver ended with me back up at his level, with both of us going at a much slower pace.

“So what do you think of the city?” he asked.

“I think it’s pretty fucking neato, man. When I come from, rainbows didn’t work like this. I don’t know how you guys did it.”

“I dunno. The guys at the weather factories might know, if you wanna ask them. Anyway, the academy is about half a kilometer above the city. I just wanted to let you get a really good look at it.”

“This is certainly a pretty good fucking look. It’s one of the nicer cities I’ve seen here. The Crystal Empire has it beat, but not by much.”

He grinned, of course. “I want to see that place, some day. Maybe the upcoming Equestria Games will be hosted there.”

“I hope so, but I kinda doubt it. I don’t know if their economy is in the right place to host something like that.” And if it was anything like the Olympics, hosting it would just put them in a massive amount of debt for years.

“Eh, if not, I can always get Spits to send me up there to do a recruitment speech.”

“Nope. That’s a straight Earth pony town. There’s no one there to recruit.”

“...Huh. That’s not common.”

“Yeah, I bet. They’re the descendents of the original earth pony clan. Kinda racist, but they tolerate all three pony types these days.”

“Well, you won’t have that problem in Cloudsdale,” he said. “Xenophobia is pretty well bred out, here. We’ve been trading directly with the gryphons for a while, and have a good relationship with them. And word of your abilities and history as a warrior spread to all the commoners here as well, so you’ll have no issues.”

“At least there’s that. What about hero worship? That shit’s super annoying.”

He shrugged. “Heroes and celebrities are common in Cloudsdale. The Wonderbolt academy is on the outskirts and the main pegasus guard training ground is in the center. The only unicorns or earth ponies that have the ability to visit usually have enough money or magical skill to cast extremely high level spells. If you’re in a tavern, you might get approached, but you’ll be fine on the streets.”

“Good, so it’ll be like a changeling hive.”

“I’d also like to visit one of those some day, now that we’re officially allies.”

“I would heavily advise against it, but you do you.”

He shrugged again. “Maybe we can go to one together some day. I heard there’s one near Ponyville.”

“We’ll see.” It would be funny to see his reactions, that’s for sure. And maybe if I asked just right, he’d let me put a leash and collar on him for funsies.

“After the city, the academy is going to bore you,” he said. “It’s very utilitarian.”

“I figured. Military bases usually are. But don’t worry, I’m used to being disappointed.”

He chuckled and said, “Then you’re not used to being around me.”

“We might see about that, if you play your cards right.” His smile just deepened and he didn’t reply.

We finally crested the top of the last bit of cloud and we both beheld the academy. A few groups of trainees were doing drills and some of the more experienced members were either judging them or watching them. I didn’t see the telltale flicker of Spitfire’s fiery mane anywhere, so I figured she was inside. The few buildings on the large cloud were small and squat. It looked like there were three sets of barracks, an administrative office, something that might have been a hangar, and a mess hall.

“Most of the really experienced Wonderbolts don’t actually live here,” he said, taking off toward the administrative office. “We have housing in either Cloudsdale or nearby. A barracks is a little too… cozy and close for some of us.”

“Understandable. I’ve done a stint or two in one.” Full of bored, horny miners. “They can certainly get claustrophobic.”

“That’s a word for it.” He alighted on the cloud in front of what I figured was the administrative office. I came in for it and badly misjudged my new wings. Thankfully, I didn’t face plant, but I did fall on my ass. “Yep, that’s definitely something you’re gonna need to work on.” He held out a hoof for me, surprisingly. I didn’t really need it, but I took it anyway and let him pull me up.

“That’s what we’re here for, after all,” I said. “Shall we go talk to the boss?”

“I’ll talk to her,” he said. “You should wait outside her office. She doesn’t like friends outside of the Wonderbolts seeing her in her training captain mode.”

“Sure, I guess. Lead the way again.” He nodded and we both went inside. He nodded at the secretary, who barely paid either of us any mind, and continued down one of the halls. Hundreds of trophies and pictures lined the walls and dotted the waiting room. The hallway was lined with more photos and plaques, each detailing some famous race. We passed several offices on the way, though no one was in any of them.

Finally, we got to a long line of chairs leading up to a door. One mare was waiting in one of the chairs, a teal pegasus in a trainee outfit. Soarin’ led the way up to the closed door. The mare looked between us in wonder before quickly looking down.

“Is Captain Spitfire in?” Soarin’ asked.

The trainee hopped to attention and saluted. “She is.”

“At ease… Lightning Dust, right?” The mare pulled the salute down and nodded. “If we’re not in uniform, you don’t have to salute us. Or stand to. Do you know if she’s seeing somepony in there?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then she probably won’t mind me going in. Nav, wait here.” I shrugged and he just let himself into Spitfire’s personal office.

As soon as the door shut behind him, the trainee looked at me. “You’re Sir Navarone, defender of harmony, right?” she asked.

“I’m no longer a knight or a sir,” I said. “But the rest, yeah. And you’re Lightning Dust, a trainee, right?”

“That’s right. What… If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your wing?”

I looked over my shoulder to the corrupted one and sighed, looking back at her. “What happened is impatience mixed with too much cockiness,” I said. “I was fighting the demon queen to protect Celestia when I struck what I thought would be a distracting enough blow for me to disengage for a second. Then, without stopping to check or even think about possible consequences, I backed off and stopped thinking about the battle. Turns out, the blow I struck was done using a steel weapon, not an iron one, so the demon barely felt it and was able to strike back almost immediately. In my arrogance, I allowed her to strike me and slice off my wing. Celestia healed it, but it was corrupted by the darkness in that demon’s weapon.”

She looked away. After a few seconds, she quietly said, “I’ve been… running into similar issues.” When she turned to look back at me, I could see uncertainty painted across her face. “Shouldn’t those of us with amazing skills show them off? Isn’t that the point of being gifted with them? Isn’t that… the point of being a Wonderbolt?”

“Absolutely. But never at risk to others. Showing off and being daring are great, and if you want to risk yourself, do so. But never put others at risk for a mistake you made. After I lost my wing, I was out of that fight. The demon queen overwhelmed me and I had to be saved by guards. Four of them died because I took an unnecessary risk. I knew that I could have held her off indefinitely, but I wanted to try to take an easier way. If I had just lost my wing, I would consider it fair and try to learn from my mistake. But four good men are dead. That is the tradeoff you have to consider, Lightning. Are you risking yourself, or are you risking others? And if you’re just risking yourself, are the things you’re doing even worthwhile? Showing off is all well and good and it’s pretty much what the Wonderbolts are for, but if you’re not impressing anyone, it’s pointless.”

“...I never really thought about it like that. Risking myself is… it’s just something I do. It’s who I am. I love risky flying. I dunno, I guess I just… never thought that some ponies don’t live like that!”

“They don’t, and they usually can’t understand those that do. You’re in the right place for fancy and risky flying, but you have to be careful around other people. If you’re working with a group, make sure to ask what they’re okay with. If you’re putting on a show, make sure to speak to the planner about appropriate or allowed risks. If you’re training, take into account that other trainees might not be as skilled as you. Don’t get cocky. Stay patient. Showing off is perfectly fine, but putting others at risk is not.”

“That’s something I’ll have to think about, Navarone. Thanks for the advice.”

“Happy to help. I was also young once, so I know the drill. But almost getting killed a few times put a damper on it, especially when they were caused by someone else taking a stupid risk.”

She slowly nodded as the door opened and Soarin’ extricated himself. “We’re good to go, Nav. And Lightning, Spits is ready to see you now.”

The mare’s eyes lit up again and she nodded. “Thank you.” She let herself into the office and kicked the door shut behind her.

“Ready to hit the town?” Soarin’ asked.

“Yep.” We started walking back out of the offices. “Didn’t you say it was against the rules for Wonderbolts to have sex with each other?”

He shrugged. “We’re technically a military branch, so a lot of the guard rules apply to us. We’ve had members in the past retire to be together. If the relationship goes south and either pony wants to come back, they can do so freely after passing the standard physical exam.”

“I was definitely wondering why that was a rule. Way I figured, it seems cruel to put both genders with peak physical performances and with loads of stress in the same barracks and expect them not to get down and dirty. It makes sense if it’s more of a military thing.”

“Yeeeeah… Most Wonderbolts have broken that rule. No hints about who, though.”

“That is completely understandable,” I said with a nod. We were coming back up to the reception area, so I left it at that. I wasn’t about to pry about who was breaking rules in front of the secretary, because that was a good way to ensure the news spread everywhere. There was also the fact that I didn’t really care. After all, I only actually knew two of them by name.

When we got back outside, he asked, “Do you want to see any more of the academy? There’s not really that much to look at, but I know it all by heart.”

“Nah. A military base is a military base. This place looks a little bit more interesting than the changeling one I toured, but not by much. Besides, I tend to be a distraction. Your recruits need to train, not fawn over me.”

“Fair enough. So, what do you want to do first? If you’re hungry, I know a great lunch spot. Or we can go straight to the tour. The weather factory isn’t too far from here, and they have a food court there anyway.”

“I ate breakfast and I don’t really need more nutrients at the moment to heal up, so I’m fine on food for a few days. Let’s do the weather thing.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “You may be okay without food for a few days, but I hope you don’t mind if I eat while we’re out.”

“Hey, I can eat, I just don’t have to. I’m down for whatever. Just remember that it’s all on your ticket today.”

A small grin split his face. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s head on to the weather factory.”

“You got it.” He spread his wings and effortlessly took off. I spread my wings and effortfully followed. “Looks like I might be a pretty big distraction anyway.”

After a second, he followed my gaze. We were looking at the main batch of recruits, all of whom were watching the two of us. There’s no telling what was going on in their minds. First, that I was there. Second, that I was there with Soarin’. Third, that I had a fucking demon wing. Or fourth, that I was absolutely terrible at flying.

“Should I flash my tits?”

“I didn’t know you had any pets. Hay, I didn’t even know you could train tits. I never tried catching one.”

“...I meant my breasts. Flashing your breasts is a thing human females do at crowds to distract them.” Or to show off how slutty they are. Either or.

“Oh. Then no. But if you want to flash me, I wouldn’t turn you down.”

We both grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.” We were getting out of range of the recruits anyway.

The weather factory wasn’t all too far from the academy. Apparently, they would use the Wonderbolts to recruit pegasi in a few towns to provide water for the weather. It was considered a civic duty for each pegasus, but some are always more reluctant than others, so a Wonderbolt was sent in as a sort of celebrity guest to knock some fervor into the locals, and to assist where they fell short.

The tour through it was uneventful, honestly. I got to touch actual rainbow fluid, but I was warned very quickly not to try tasting it. Not only does it burn like fire going in, apparently it also burns like fire going out. Even if I didn’t usually have to worry about that, I decided not to take chances. The stuff was super thick, like molasses or blood. But it wasn’t sticky at all, so it just slid right off my fingers.

I also got to see a weather machine that would make George Bush jealous. The ponies apparently used it to generate tornados, which they used to clear out dense forests when they wanted to build a new road through it.

One of the things they showed me was a lightning maker. Honestly, I was expecting to see a giant Tesla coil. Instead, it was a long, glowing pillar of glass. Every few seconds, it would shoot a bolt of lightning from the tip in a random direction, though each one only went about five meters. There was a large fence around it with several warning signs, each promising a gruesome death for anyone that got close enough without protective gear.

“So what’s the point of this?” I asked our guide. “Seems dangerous to have something like this just sitting around.”

“It has several applications,” the pegasus replied. “First, it allows our scholars the ability to study lightning in a relatively tame environment. Second, it lets us recharge our magical batteries very easily, allowing us to reuse them quickly. Third, we can bottle spikes of lightning and use them as weapons or light shows.”

“You can bottle this shit?” I butted in. “That makes no sense. How?”

“With a magically enhanced bottle,” he said. “We keep a large storehouse full of them. I would offer to show it to you, but it’s under heavy and strict guard. Getting permission to enter can take up to a week. The process is simple, but it can be dangerous if proper precautions aren’t taken. Generally speaking, getting permission to view the bottling process can also take up to a week. And, unlike unicorn or earth pony cities, we don’t look fondly on bending the rules for celebrities or heroes.”

“No skin off my back,” I replied with a shrug. “Preferential treatment sucks when you remember that it comes with being seen as a living abomination and a complete freak of nature.” Soarin’s ears twitched, but the guide didn’t react. “So what’s next?”

As it turns out, a large, fancy restaurant was next. It was the last part of the tour, so the guide left us at the entrance. “So why is this here?” I asked Soarin’ when we were seated. “Are tourists common enough to warrant this?”

“It’s not just tourists,” he said. “This place works as the food court for the workers at the factory and it’s a fairly high profile place for more well-to-do pegasi in the city itself. All the food here is prepared using weather. Lightning for heat, rain for water, snow for ice cream and food storage. Most of the vegetables served here are also grown from clouds. They haven’t gotten the trick for growing fruit up here yet, though.”

“Well, what would you recommend?” I asked. “I can’t eat flowers or grass.”

Surprisingly, an answer came from a waiter that had apparently been lurking behind me. “What are you capable of eating, Lady Navarone?” he asked, stepping into view.

“I’m an omnivore,” I replied. “I can eat any meat and almost all vegetables. It’s just grass and flowers that I can’t, really.”

He actually grinned. “Mister Soarin’ gets partial credit. We have just about every vegetable, flower, grass, and fruit under the sun here, most of which was grown locally. What he failed to mention is that we also get meat directly from several local griffin farmers. There are enough griffins living here to warrant having some on hoof at all times, and our chefs cook it quite often. So if you happen to be interested, I can bring you the special griffin menu.”

“I am definitely interested. I love the feeling of meat inside of me.” The smile on the waiter’s face took a hit. “Wait, that came out wrong.” And his smile came back full force. “Yeah, give me the griffin menu.”

“Right away, ma’am.” His eyes turned to my companion. “The usual for you, sir?”

“Yep. You guys know me too well. Oh, and all of this is going on my tab.”

“We strive to please.” He bowed for a moment before heading back to the kitchens or wherever he was going.

“That’s always a welcome surprise,” I said, leaning back a little in my chair. “Not too many ponies are okay with meat eaters.”

“Cloudsdale has a lot of griffins,” Soarin’ said with a shrug. “It’ll be interesting seeing you eat meat. It’s still really easy for me to forget that you even do that.”

I used a finger to pull one side of my mouth back, showing off my canines. He blinked when he saw them. “This is without enhancements,” I said after I let my lip go. “With them, it’s honestly kinda excessive. I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

“We have, but you didn’t show me your teeth. They’re uh… something.”

“That they are.” The waiter dropped the meat menu off and said some more pointless bullshit before dipping again, letting me look it over. Unsurprisingly, all the meat they had was bird. Turkey, chicken, peacocks, goose, duck, phoenix, several types of parrots, seagull, and about a dozen other small birds that probably wouldn’t have even been a snack. “I had no idea phoenixes were edible. Or legal to eat…”

“They have phoenix?” Soarin’ asked, completely in disbelief.

“Apparently. That’s damn sure what I’m gonna get, too. Hopefully it won’t break your bank too hard.”

“I mean… that’s not the concern. I just… I didn’t know you could actually kill phoenixes. I thought that when they died, they turned to ashes and then came back. How are you supposed to get any meat out of that?”

“I dunno. We can ask.”

His ears shot down, but before he could reply, the waiter reappeared. “Have you decided, ma’am?”

“I’ll definitely try the phoenix,” I said, handing the menu back. “Though we were both curious. How do you get meat out of it? I thought when it died, it turned to ash.”

He shrugged. “I’m afraid I honestly don’t know. That’s a very famous trade secret of our chefs, so I don’t think they would tell you, either.”

“That’s a shame, but I understand. I have no idea how to cook something like that, so just tell them to make it the most popular way.”

“As you wish, ma’am. Is there anything else?” Neither of us needed anything else, so the dude departed back to the kitchen once more.

“Now I’m even more curious,” I sighed.

“Well, trade secrets are trade secrets,” Soarin’ said. “I know we Wonderbolts have a few. And I bet you warriors do as well.”

“Not really. I want everyone on my side to be able to fight to the best of their ability, so they don’t get hurt in a fight. That, in turn, increases my survivability. Combat isn’t about the individual, or even the individual group. It’s about everyone on your side being better than as many people on their side as possible. That way, every fight, from a duel to a skirmish to an ambush to a full battle is skewed toward you. One person can win one fight. One person cannot win one war. Keeping trade secrets as a warrior is a good way to lose a war. It’s the job of a great warrior to train new fighters in everything they might need to know.”

“That makes sense, I guess. But having trade secrets is good for us. It means ponies will want to come see our shows instead of somepony else’s.”

“From a purely monetary standpoint, that’s a good idea,” I shot back. “But from the standpoint of a consumer, or in this case a fan, keeping secrets is a good way to limit competition. Making your opponents as competitive as possible gives you a reason to keep advancing and striving to better yourself, instead of allowing yourself to plateau and stagnate before you’re ready. That creates a better show for the fans.”

He shrugged. “I leave things like that to Spits. What you said makes sense, but it doesn’t really matter too much to me; I’m getting pretty close to retirement age, these days. Hitting my skill ceiling doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Like I said, that’s the perspective of a fan. Steady and skilled competition drives advancement. That’s one of the reasons ponies are so far behind on technology. But that’s another topic entirely and I’m sure you don’t care.”

He shook his head. “I actually really like hearing your perspective on things. It’s extremely different and always interesting. A lot of ponies treat me like a celebrity and just say whatever they think I wanna hear. You don’t, and I like that.”

“Come on, who doesn’t love mares who cuddle up to you real close and simper and nod at everything you say? They usually fuck the best.” Although now that I think about it, all the mares I’ve ever had sex with were extremely opinionated and strong-willed.

“Unlike most celebrities, I’m not really looking for an easy lay. At least, not anymore. I’ll still have some fun with the occasional groupie, but having a connection is better, in my mind. Sex is great, but sex with somepony you want to make happy is better.”

I shrugged. “Fair point. Truth be told, as someone that’s had both and has been both genders, sex as a woman feels so much better just for the multiple orgasms, but it’s so much more satisfying as a guy, able to give multiple orgasms. I mean, I know I’m perfectly capable of giving another girl multiple orgasms, but it just isn’t the same.”

“Well… I’ve never been a mare, so I can’t really say it feels better or not. But if I can make my partner feel good, I’m satisfied. And in hindsight, we really probably shouldn’t have been talking about this in a public restaurant.”

“No, probably not.” All the tables around us had fallen completely silent. We were right at the lunch rush, too. “But everyone already thinks I’m a total slut, so whatever. I’m used to it.”

He snorted. “I don’t. I’d hardly call you the perfect model of a proper lady, but definitely not a slut. But then, who wants a pampered, prissy little perfect lady? After so long in the Wonderbolts, I’ve found that I like mares of action.” Jesus, I just hit every one of this guy’s fetishes, don’t I?

“Making a prissy little perfect lady lose all decorum certainly has its perks, but I definitely prefer low maintenance partners. I don’t want someone that’s going to try to stifle me or demand constant attention, like a lot of proper ladies. Someone with a personality and with their own life suits me just fine, especially if their life happens to merge pretty well with mine.”

“A mare after my own heart,” he quietly said with a smile. “Or a female human, that is. What are female humans called?”

“Women. Or a woman, when it’s just one.”

“Woman,” he slowly and quietly said, as though tasting its effectiveness. “I’ll remember that. But you’re definitely right. I want to be a part of my special somepony’s life, but I want her to have one outside of mine. Independence and a sense of responsibility are attractive.”

“Thankfully, in a world with cutie marks that define your special talent, that’s not too difficult to come by,” I said. “In my time, everyone was left to drift along, trying to find meaning and purpose as they could. A lot of people decided to just tie themselves to someone else’s life, figuring it was easier than finding their own way.”

“No, that happens here too,” he replied. “It’s likely not as much of a problem among the common ponies, but it happens a lot among the rich or the famous. When your special talent is being rich, you don’t really have much going for you.”

I guess that explains Diamond Tiara’s cutie mark. “In about a week, I’ll be elevated to the actual nobility.” His eyebrows lifted. “I wonder how many moochers will try flocking to me when I’m single, rich, and have a title.”

“You’re becoming a noble?”

“Yeah. Celestia and Fancy Pants talked me into it, the fucking bastards. Almost every bit of it is going to suck. Especially since I’m just getting the fucking Everfree as my fief.”

“The… Everfree Forest? Why would anypony ever want that?”

“Beats me, man. I dunno what the hell I’m gonna do with it. Probably fuck all. I don’t want to be a noble, I don’t want a title, I don’t want a fief. Hell, I don’t even particularly care about being rich. Too much responsibility and work.”

“Well… I feel like it deserves a congratulations, anyway. And probably a celebration, if you’d be interested.”

“I wouldn’t be, unless it would be the kind of celebration that helps me forget for a little while. I’m probably gonna have to put on a super fancy dress and wear makeup and smile. That shit blows.”

“I’ve never worn a super fancy dress or makeup, but smiling isn’t too bad.”

“Tch. I’m used to not being allowed to have nice things, so at least I’m inured. But complaining is therapeutic.”

“...Even if the pony you’re complaining to is jealous?”

“Hey man, you want my life, you go ahead and take it. Enjoy dresses, bleeding for a week every month, fighting for your life, and being a noble lady.”

“Well, jealous about some of it. Being a noble would be nice. The only way I’d ever become one is if I married into it.”

“Fleur de Lis is going to be single soon. She’s looking for a prince charming now.”

“Huh. I was thinking about someone else, but having options is nice. It’s not really something I would go out of my way for, so to say, but it would be nice.” He shrugged. “But it looks like our food is on the way.”

Sure enough, I could actually smell some cooked meat. Before, it was just grilled fruit and vegetables. I looked over at the source and saw a griffin holding my plate in one talon and the pegasus waiter holding Soarin’s quiche on his wing.

“You have excellent taste, Navarone,” the griffin said, setting the plate on my table. “Phoenix is a delicacy my family has been preparing for generations.”

“I certainly hope it’ll be as good as it smells,” I said with a nod. “I love trying old family recipes. They always have wonderful character.”

“Indeed they do, my lady. And every generation adds its own twist. I would love to stay and chat more, but I’m afraid I am needed in the kitchen. Please, tell the waiter what you think. I’d love to hear the thoughts of somebody so traveled.”

“Happily.” He sketched a short bow and went back to the kitchen, while the waiter dropped off Soarin’s plate. “I’m surprised the chef himself came out,” I quietly said.

“It’s partially policy and partially interest,” the waiter said. “Ponies aren’t allowed to handle meat dishes here. We have a special griffin waitress that usually handles them, but the chef wanted to speak to the great Navarone.”

“Fame has a few perks here and there,” I said with a shrug. “I’ll be sure to let you know what I think.” The waiter did another shitty small bow and dipped after a few more pointless niceties.

“I’ve never actually tried meat,” Soarin’ said, looking at my steaming plate. The meat was actually orange, surprisingly. I had been waiting for it to cool, but it had been about a minute or so since it was delivered and it showed no signs of stopping. “I can’t imagine it would taste nice to a pony.”

“Luna seemed to like it,” I replied, poking the phoenix steak with a fork. A few juices seeped out. “But then, she’s also an insane psychopath, so take that with a grain of salt.”

He shivered. “No thanks. I tried salt once and swore off it.”

“That’s not what I… never mind.” Since the meat wasn’t cooling, I just used the knife to cut a small slice off. It went through it like diarrhea through one-ply, and I lifted it up to my mouth for a heat test. It was hot, but not painfully hot. When I bit down, my mouth exploded with flavorful steam.

Soarin’s eyebrows shot straight up and that’s when I noticed steam dripping out of my nose, too. “What the buck…” he whispered. “I’ve never seen anything like that!”

I took in the flavors and slowly exhaled, shooting more and more steam out of my nose. It seemed that the longer I had it in my mouth, the more I filled with steam. When I finally swallowed it, I left my mouth open and watched it trickle and finally die out. “Holy fucking shitballs.”

“Too hot?” he asked.

“Hell no, that shit’s the bomb diggity, man. It’s like an angel came in my mouth!”

“That actually sounds really unpleasant,” he replied as I took a larger bite.

It was not unpleasant at all. When I was done, my nose was dripping with whatever kind of juices the meat had in it and I had a pleasant warmth deep in my stomach. Or what would have been my stomach if I was still human.

“That looked like quite an experience,” my companion said. “You may have enjoyed that more than I liked my quiche.”

“Dude, you tore that poor thing apart. But yes, this shit was hella dope. Like, fo rizzle mah nizzle.”

“...I don’t know what that means.”

“That I liked it.”

“Oh. Good. Do ponies ever say things that you don’t understand?”

“Sometimes. ‘Friendship is magic’ makes no sense to me, for example. And ‘please stop rubbing my belly’ just goes right over my head. And I still have no idea what they mean when they say ‘you are a valuable friend and mean more to me than you could ever know and I hope we will stay close for as long as we both live’.”

“Well, at least we have some slang that confuses you.”

The waiter showed back up before I could think of a reply and asked, “What did you think, ma’am?”

“Tell the chef that I liked how his meat tasted in my mouth.” One of the waiter’s eyebrows slowly lifted. “That came out wrong. Uh, tell him his cock is amazing and makes my body super tingly.” Soarin’ barked a laugh. “Shit, no… Damn, tell him he satisfied me in a way no other man could.” Three of the stallions at the tables around us burst out laughing. “Fuck! Use some fancy waiter talk to tell him it was good!”

“Your wish is my command, my lady.” He took the plates and quickly beat feet, not even asking if we wanted dessert.

“It might be time for us to go,” Soarin’ said, still struggling not to laugh.

“The benefits of having a tab. I’m ready when you are.” His wings shot out and he leapt across the table and over me, then pulled my chair out before I could move.

“You got me last time,” he said, walking around to hold up a hoof for me. “But you won’t stop me from being a gentlecolt this time.”

“Dude, what the fuck.”

He shrugged, but didn’t move his hoof. “Every ma—woman deserves to be treated like a lady sometimes. Especially one that’s actually going to be a Lady soon.”

“...I’ll allow it this time, flyboy,” I said, taking his hoof. He gently pulled me out of my seat, beaming. “But if you try it again, I’m putting you in a dress and we’re going for a walk around Canterlot.”

“Only if you can catch me… Navi.”

We walked side by side to the doors. He very wisely chose not to hold them open for me.

“So now what?” I asked when we were back in the city itself.

“Well, there are a lot of sites to see,” he said, looking over to one of the skyscrapers to our right. “And we have to fly to get to most of them. You think you can do it?”

“I think I need to learn how. Lead the way.”

His wings spread out and he shot up in the air again. I followed him at a much shittier pace, though at least I did make it up.

Once upon a time, the pegasi were a super militant group. All of the pegasi trained to be warriors of some kind, though most ended up taking on different jobs once they hit a certain age. But it resulted in a very utilitarian mindset that was matched in their architecture.

However, at some point that mindset started to greatly change. They retained the nobility and honor of their old culture, but picked up the standard peace and pacification traits of the other two pony tribes. They still produced a higher than average number of guards due to their history, but the average pegasus is about on par with the standard earth pony, in terms of aggressiveness.

Luckily or unluckily, depending on your viewpoint, clouds are super easy to mold into new shapes. As the culture changed, the buildings and architecture changed with them. When I come from, cities often had relics of the past that depicted cultural traits that were abandoned a long time ago. Because that was impossible in Cloudsdale, it produced an interesting uniformity in city structure that also promoted a strange uniqueness because of the pure pliability and weight of its main building materials.

Unfortunately, the effect was pretty much ruined by Flo singing A Whole New World to me. There were a lot of good sites, but it was tarnished by realizing I accidentally agreed to another date with the same fucking stallion.

There are times I seriously consider replacing Flo with River. Then Flo reminds me that she can rewrite my memories on the fly and make me think I had always been a pretty girl that loves pink and dresses and I decide that stockholm syndrome love is still love, so I keep her.

She hit me for that. Like, I think it left a bruise this time.

The sun was setting by the time Soarin’ had shown me the last thing on his list. We got a lot of stares the entire time. I had a feeling that even more ponies would be watching me that I now had a demon wing. It was beyond bothering me too much, at that point, so I didn’t pay it any mind.

“So what do you think?” he asked when we were idly floating above the city.

“I think it’s a magnificent place. I really like the idea of having clouds as your main building material. It allows for a lot of flexibility. And I bet redecorating is super easy. Mind, the defensibility is absolutely garbage, but that matters less when you have no enemies capable of getting to you.”

“Yeah, our main defensive tactic was moving the city a little bit further up whenever our enemies made a big enough ladder, then laughing at them as they had to build it a little bit bigger. It didn’t work so well on the unicorns, but it was supposedly great fun against the earth ponies.”

“That’s twisted. I love it.”

“Yeah, I figured you would.” Silence fell back on us again as we soared over the towering clouds. “I really do like the view the princess gives us when the sun sets.”

Ugh. “Unfortunately, that means I need to get back. Due to my… condition, I can’t really stay out too much past night during fall and winter.”

“Yeah, I remember. You want to head back to the palace? You probably couldn’t make it at your speed, but I’d be happy to carry you again.”

“Honestly, nah. My wings are getting tired and I really don’t feel like getting carried. As I’m sure you know, it’s kinda uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I understand.” He looked around a few times before pointing to a building. “That’s a pretty nice hotel, if you want to stay here.”

“I left my bits home and I’m damn sure not going to make you pay for that. You got a couch, right?”

“I do. And I got the whole day off from Spitfire, so I don’t really have anything else planned tonight. You can stay at my place, if you want.”

“Cool. Lead the way.”

He grinned and banked off, leading the way to a group of mansions. Though to be fair, all of the cloud houses were mansions. When your building supply is infinite and your building space is huge, the size of your house means practically nothing. So in that regard, the place he took me to was actually kinda humble. The only kind of outside decoration was something that displayed the official Wonderbolts logo, emblazoned in one side with his personal emblem.

“You might not believe it, but I almost never have mares over,” he said before he opened the door. “Their places are usually closer.”

“Well, I’d invite you to my place, but it’s near Ponyville and I let a local lesbian couple rent it for a while, until I get back from this trip.” Less rent and more just live there and look after the place, but whatever.

“I don’t mind, it’s just not common,” he said, finally opening the door. The way he was saying that, I was expecting his place to be something of a mess. And sure enough, there were a few dirty uniforms here and there and several take-out buckets next to the couch. “I would apologize for the mess, but this is how I unashamedly live, so it feels hollow.”

“Hey man, it’s whatever. I have an actual maid, even though I never asked for her and don’t actually pay her.” I said I would when she started, but I never really got around to it. I just gave her money whenever she asked. “So I can’t judge and I wouldn’t be interested in it anyway.”

“I do need to clean up, though. One of us is going to be sleeping on the couch. Might as well not make either of us sleep in it.”

“Alright, let’s drop the media-friendly act. We’re both adults. You wanna just fuck and cuddle tonight? I mean, the newspapers are gonna say we did anyway and we’ve both been hinting toward it all night. I’m totally down if you are. But if not, I’m taking the bed and you get the couch.”

He blinked a few times. “Well, at least I never have to worry about you beating around the bush. So, buck it. Ever since the first time I saw you, I wondered what you looked like without clothes, male or not. Now, I’m absolutely interested in having sex with you. I’d also be interested in more.”

“No offense to you, but it’s a bad time in my life for a relationship. Sex is great and let’s totally do it, but I’m not looking for anything more right now.”

“I understand. Friends it is.”

“Yep. Now let’s fuck.”

He did not treat me like a lady at all. It felt pretty amazing.

Now that I had the confidence and practice to actually get back in the air, Canterlot became much more tolerable. Getting around with a fucked up wing sucked. Being able to fly past most of the people that might have bothered me was much better. Of course, I didn’t have many reasons to go out, but it was still nice.

Two nights after my trip to Cloudsdale, Captain Midnight Blossom finally came back to my room. I was asleep when she got there, but Flo let her in and they apparently watched me sleep for about fifteen minutes before Flo finally woke me up. Both of them refuse to tell me what they did in that time, so I can only assume it was a scantily clad pillow fight followed by a fast make-out session.

When my eyes opened, I beheld two glowing yellow orbs very close to my face. Then I noticed the fangs. I didn’t freak out this time because there was no real reason to be afraid of the friendly neighborhood vampire these days. “Blossom. You’re very close tonight.”

“Flo thought it would be funny,” she replied with a shrug, though she didn’t move. “I had a few questions, if you wouldn’t mind answering them.”

“Happy to help. Have you already eaten tonight? I think I can spare a little blood.”

“I have, thank you.” She sniffed lightly at the air and her eyes moved down my body. “Though I believe you’ll soon have a snack ready for me regardless… Are you on your cycle now?”

“Not yet. Jesus. Flo, do you know when I’m due?”

“Tomorrow, actually. Remember, they have much more powerful noses. And Blossom’s is stronger still.”

“...Yeah. Well, shit. I’m borrowing your tongue tomorrow. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Happily. I still owe you your present for not petting me during the party, after all. But that is good for one time only. I was going to let you rub my belly, but I’ll substitute this instead.”

God fucking dammit. Choices, choices… “Why not both?” I asked.

“Nope. One or the other. Anyway, that’s not why I’m here. At the party, you told Fleur that we were under attack by a demon of chaos. Is that true?”

“Yes. He’s not currently doing anything, but he is free and we know he’s watching events unfold.”

“And he’s been active in the past?”

“Oh yeah. He killed off my race, then the race of beings we created to guide the new races we made, then that cycle happened a few more times until we get to today, when he killed almost all of the alicorns.”

“...And you think he’s going to try something similar soon.”

“I have no reason to believe he wouldn’t.”

“But you’re going to stop him.”

“I’m damn sure gonna try. Better than sitting here and waiting for the end. I’ve never actually felt like I had the world on my shoulders until literally right now. So thanks for that, I guess.”

She stared at me for another few seconds before finally moving away. “I have two offers for you, Nav. The first is my dark curse. Truly, it is a blessing in disguise, when you choose to look at it so. Enhanced strength, better smell, better sight, better hearing, dozens of miscellaneous powers. But it is permanent and you must feed daily or risk becoming an animal. I do not offer this lightly. I believe that it could possibly help you on your journey.”

I wasn’t even a little bit tempted. “No thank you.”

She bowed her head for a second before looking back up at me. “The second offer is myself. I will quit the guard right now and I will travel with you. I can feed off animals if they’re available. I will follow whatever order you give me. If the world is in danger and you’re trying to save it, I will help you in absolutely any way necessary.”

I finally sat up and gently put a hand on her shoulder. “Blossom, thank you for the offer. I want you on my ship. But I need you in Canterlot. Your skills would be very useful on my journey, but they’re invaluable here. And having command over all of Equestria’s armed forces is extremely useful.”

She pulled away from my hand and looked down. “I feel… useless here, Nav. Like I’m living more of a lie than I already was.” Her eyes focused back on mine with a stark intensity. “I refuse to die when I could have done something to help save everypony!”

“...In a few days time, I will officially be an Equestrian noble. On that day, you will tell Celestia that you are a vampire. If, and only if, she casts you aside, I will take you as a vassal and protect you from whatever she tries to do to you.”

Her glowing eyes watched me for several very long seconds. Finally, her head very weakly nodded. “Deal. If my princess, the mare I swore eternal fealty and loyalty to, finds my presence undesirable, my place is no longer here anyway. If Princess Celestia casts me aside, I will be your vassal. If she strikes me down, at least I’ll go to the grave with the truth on my lips.”

That took a lot less convincing than I thought. “If she wants to strike you down, she’ll have to go through me and Fleur. Mind, Fleur probably won’t slow her down, but I will stop her in her tracks.”

She was silent for another few very long seconds before suddenly bursting forward and hugging me so hard I fell back on the bed. After a moment of stunned silence, I hugged her back. She stayed quiet for nearly a minute, just holding me tight. Finally, she whispered, “I owe you everything, Nav.”

“Friends owe friends nothing,” I said, slowly rubbing her back.

“You taught me to live again. You gave my self-worth back. I… I have pride in myself now. You have been the moon in my darkest of nights. For all of that and more, I owe you.”

It’s far too early in the morning to deal with this, god damn. Flo sighed judgmentally. Thankfully, Blossom didn’t notice or didn’t pay her any mind. “I want my friends to be happy, Blossom. I want them to love themselves. Some fucked up shit happened to you and it was awful, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still love who and what you are. You owe me nothing for helping you realize that life is still worth living. If anything, I owe you for allowing me to see the light return to your eyes. But friends owe friends nothing. I am, and always will be, happy to help you.”

“I…” She fell silent for several more seconds before sighing. “I wish I could cry… I’m not… I’m not a wimpy mare, not really, but… but I wish I could cry right now, Nav.”

“Flo, can you come leak on her face?” For what it’s worth, I actually didn’t mean that sexually.

It actually made Blossom giggle, though. She finally pulled away and stared down at me, smiling softly. “I believe you might be the best friend I’ve ever had, Nav.”

“That’s kind of sad.”

She looked over to Flo. “Can I mind wipe her and make her proud of being such a good person?”

“Hold on, now…” I quickly said, grabbing one of her legs.

Flo turned pink and nodded. “Only for an hour or two.”

Blossom turned to me faster than I could look away and light flooded from her eyes, then completely overwhelmed my will.

The good news is that I don’t remember any of what happened after that. The bad news is that Flo apparently used her weird painting skills to paint a portrait of me and Blossom in the girliest dresses they could find. I only got to see it once before Flo gave it to Blossom as a present.

At least shame had been beaten out of me ages ago.

The day my ship returned to port was a very relieving day for me. After I had spent so long in the open air, staying in the palace felt incredibly confining. I knew that I could have gone wherever, but at the same time, I knew that I’d have to return to the same lonely palace eventually. Even with Celestia, Flo, and Moonbeam to keep me company, it lacked the hustle and bustle of an active mercenary ship.

No one actually told me my ship was back, either. Flo and I were doing our thing in my room when something loudly popped next to me. I looked up from the book I was writing and had time to see a purple mass of fur pouncing at me. Taya brought me down to the bed with her hug, a hug that I viciously returned.

“You don’t know how much I missed you,” I sighed into her hair, gently rocking her side to side.

“I bet you know exactly how much I missed you,” she replied. “I love you, daddy…”

I slowly rubbed her back. After a few seconds, I said, “You can call me mommy if you want, Taya.”

She finally looked up, eyes wide. Then her eyes went over my shoulder and she gasped. Her horn lit up and my demon wing jerked out, extending to its full length. “What happened?!”

I rolled over slightly and set her down. She uneasily let me go so I could stand and stretch both wings. “The reason I had to come to Canterlot was to help Celestia fight demons,” I said. “Someone in the mage’s tower accidentally summoned one and that one brought in more. When I was fighting one of them, it cut this wing in half. Celestia was able to reattach it, but it was corrupted by the demon’s magic. They ran some tests and found that the corruption has stopped. So now I’m part human, part tree, and part demon.”

She was silent for several long seconds. “Why couldn’t I have come with you, then?” she finally asked. “The princess knew you were going to be fighting. I could have helped you!”

You could have gotten in the way. You could have made me worry more about protecting you than myself. You could have been hurt, instead of me. “Magic has very little effect on demons on this side of Tartarus,” I replied with a shrug. “It takes a ridiculous amount of power to damage them. And even then, they can heal up so quickly that it takes a lot of energy to keep them down. Even with three very experienced warriors, we had a difficult time.”

The silence came back with a vengeance. Finally, her eyes went back to the wing. “Does it hurt?”

“No. And I can still fly, though it’s harder.”

Her eyes found mine again. “What changed, daddy? Why can I call you mommy now?”

“Because I accept this now,” I said, waving a hand down my body. “I’m done fighting it. If I find a way back, I will become a man again. But I do not believe that will happen, so I am going to accept who I am. And who I am is a woman.”

Taya just stared at me for a little bit longer. Finally a huge smile spread across her face. “I’m happy for you, mommy.” And with that, her horn lit up and she floated me back over to hug me again. When my arms wrapped around her, she sighed in delight. “I almost forgot how you smelled… Your bed lost your scent a few days ago.”

Is that creepy or flattering? “All you ponies smell the same to me. I’m still not used to the idea of unique scents on people.”

“Most ponies smell pretty similar,” she said. “But you’re not a pony. You’re different. It made me uneasy at first, but now it makes me feel safe…” She slowly breathed in and held it for a few seconds before sighing out. “Then the accident happened and it became softer, less harsh. When you became female, Twilight and her friends talked about how your smell changed a lot. They also talked about how Spike reacted. It’s different, but I still love it. I can still tell that you’re you. I can always tell that you’re my mommy.”

Alright, I’m still not sure if this is creepy or flattering. “I need to take more showers, I guess.” She pulled away and stared at me, eyes wide. “What? When a human can smell another human, that’s usually seen as a bad thing. And it’s pretty hard to be stealthy when ponies can smell me coming.”

“You never need to be stealthy when I’m around, mommy. If anyone tries to hurt you, I’ll turn them inside out.”

Try as I might, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. “I love you, Taya.”

She sighed one more time and pressed herself back against me. “I love you too, mommy…”

We stayed like that for a minute or two, until I felt the need to ruin it. “So have you heard the news yet?”

“What news?” she asked.

“We’re becoming nobles.”

Her ears shot straight up as she pulled away again. “What?!”

“Yeah, my bad. I kinda got roped into it and you’re getting dragged in by association.”

“...How? And why?”

“To answer those, I’ll have to explain some basic politics and some of the other shit I’ve done while in Canterlot. As usual, all of this shit stays between us.”

“Right.”

I started by bringing up Fancy’s sexuality and why he hid it, then went to the trial of Pertz and how Celestia murdered him. That led to me killing the three super fancy nobles and the problems that happened at Fancy’s coming out party. Her eyes went hard when I mentioned discussing Discord with Fleur. I ended with Fancy Pants and Celestia talking me into becoming a noble.

“I know neither of us really want this, Taya. But me becoming a noble is probably for the greater good. And since we’ll get the Everfree Forest, we won’t get too many people coming to try to get our favor. We’ll have a lot of power with an extremely small court, essentially. It’s hardly ideal, but it’s about the best we can do under the circumstances.”

She was silent for some time before nodding once. “You deserve this, mommy. You deserve more than this, but this is a start.” She smiled and buried her face into me again. “When we beat Discord, we can finally go back home and you can live with the respect and honor you deserve.”

Not what I was expecting, but it’s better than being angry. “Don’t forget that this title will pass onto you.”

“No it won’t, mommy. You’ll live forever. I’ll die of old age well before you even start aging again.” Well, that’s morbid.

Flo finally moved forward and placed a hand on Taya’s head. “I would not be so sure of that, child. My sisters and I will not take a host at your age, but when you grow, you may well find one of us more willing to accommodate you. Even with that, you may not live to see your mother on her deathbed, but you will find yourself lasting much longer.”

Taya shook her head. “I can’t live longer than her. Mommy doesn’t need me, but I need her.”

Um. “Taya, you can survive without me,” I said, brushing her hair with my hand. “I mean, I’m totally awesome and all that, but you’d definitely survive.” She didn’t reply. Flo and I shared a look over her head. She shrugged, so I figured that was good enough for the moment. “The ceremony to make me a noble is tomorrow,” I said. “We’ll both need to be dressed up for it.”

Taya’s horn lit up and a letter appeared. “The princess sent two letters in a few days ago,” she said. “One was for Rarity. One was for you. Spike was curious about why she sent you a letter if you were in Canterlot, but he just gave it to me without opening it. I didn’t either, but I was curious.”

“Oh boy, here we go,” I muttered, taking the letter and opening it. “Let’s see…”

‘My dearest soon-to-be Lady Navarone, I know you and Taya will need the proper clothing in which to join the nobility, so I took the liberty of asking your close friend Rarity to assist you. By the time you get this letter, she should be finished with her preparations. She has already been generously compensated. There is no need to thank me. Love, Sunbutt.’

“She actually signed it as Sunbutt. Wow.”

Taya slid it out of my yielding hands and quickly read over it. When she was finished, she looked back up at me. “Mommy, why does Princess Celestia hate you?”

“I’ll let you know when I have an answer, dear,” I sighed, reaching around her underlegs and lifting her off me. “Let me get ready and we can go find my apparently ‘close friend’ Rarity.”

Taya rolled over and just laid on her back. “I think she’s still on the ship. She’s been in her room ever since she got that letter. Pinkie and Fluttershy apparently heard a lot of creepy laughter, but the only one she let in was Spider. I guess now I know why.”

I started grabbing up all the shit I needed to make myself seem like a functional person. “Creepy laughter sounds right, coming from her. I swear she’ll turn into a crazy cat lady one of these days.”

“...Rarity only has one cat.”

“Give her time.” I debated taking a weapon or two, but in the end, I decided against it. “I need to go to the ship anyway. I’m sure Watcher and Gourd need to talk. And of course, Twilight’s friends are always super needy.”

“Actually, Rarity is the only one left on the ship. Twilight went to see her parents. We dropped the others off at Ponyville before coming here.”

“Well, that makes it easier. Where’s the ship parked?”

“At Princess Celestia’s personal skydock. I walked here from there and teleported in once I got to your door.”

“Then lead the way. I have no idea where that is.” She hopped off the bed and pulled the door open with magic. The two of us walked and Flo slid down the hall. “Did I miss anything big?”

“Not really. We got the ship repaired. Twilight and I picked up a few rare magic books in some of the shops in the city we docked in. I think Rainbow Dash and Gilda got in trouble with the guards, but they outran them and then hid on the ship until we left. Kat said someone was following her, but she got away and also hid on the ship. The naga cut the paw off a dog thief, but it was ruled a self-defense and the paw was reattached.”

“Sounds like everyone had some fun, then. I’ll have to punish Gilda and Dash, which I’m sure they already know is coming. Kat will definitely need a talk. She did tell me she might bring some trouble with her and I need to make sure she’s still safe.”

We walked in silence for a few moments until Taya turned her head back. “But you don’t need to talk to the naga?”

“Nah, he did the right thing. Fuck pickpockets. Besides, heat of the moment and all that. I’m surprised someone tried stealing from a naga, though.”

“Oh, she didn’t. The naga was with Doppel, who was disguised as a noble. As soon as the thief tried grabbing her purse, the naga snatched her by the hand, dragged her a block away to a group of guards, held the paw against the wall, and sliced it off before they could do anything.”

“...How was that self-defense?” I slowly asked.

“The guards were ruled as defending themselves by not trying to arrest him.”

“Alright, yeah, I can see that. I’ll talk to Watcher about it first, then.”

The silence came back as we continued to the private dock. I was kind of surprised that the castle even had one of those. As far as I knew, Celestia didn’t even have a personal airship. If she did, our time in the middle east would have been the perfect time to use it. It was also kind of surprising that she had never let me use it before, but whatever. And since she had wings, I kind of wondered why she even needed a personal skydock.

After going up a few sets of stairs, we finally got to a grand entrance near the top of one of the palace towers. Two of my soldiers were standing guard on the other side of the door, on the platform leading up to the ship. They came to attention as soon as I stepped outside. “At ease, guys. You know better than that.”

They looked at each other for a short moment before looking back. One of them said, “With the news, we thought it was prudent to keep up appearances.”

“Jesus, you guys already know? Why didn’t Taya?”

“Word came right after she left, sir,” he replied with a shrug. “The princess summoned Watcher and Gourd both. They told us and asked us to be on the lookout for you.”

“Damn. She works fast. I’m looking for Kat, Gilda, Rarity, and the naga.”

“Gilda’s at Ponyville. The others are all on board, as far as I know.”

“Then I’ll deal with her later. Thank you. Come on, Taya.” We started walking again, but before we got too far away, I stopped. “By the way, it’s ma’am now. Spread the word.” Their mouths both dropped. I continued on without letting them recover. Flo split off and slid down the side, probably to find one of her sisters.

Since I knew dealing with Rarity’s dramatic bullshit would take a lot longer than I’d like, I stopped by Kat’s room first. She was in there with one of the elementals, sharpening a knife. Her door was open, so I stopped outside it and knocked on the edge. Both of them looked up. Kat smiled, but didn’t stand up. The elemental, who I decided was probably Cascade, turned pink.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, Nav,” Kat said. “But your wing is looking a little bit off.”

“Yeah, it got corrupted by a demon. Weird story. I heard you ran into some trouble.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle.” She slid the knife into a holster and stood, stretching her lithe kitty body. “So you’re becoming a real proper lady now, huh?”

“You aren’t brushing this one off, Kat. I know how you cats avoid things. What happened and will it be a problem?”

She rolled her eyes. “A goon from the local syndicate was moonlighting as a set of eyes for one of the guilds I left behind in my old life. I lost him in the city and didn’t get back to the ship until I knew he was gone. It’s not a problem.”

I stared at her for a few more seconds. I knew it wouldn’t do any good, because she was a lot better at that game than I was, but it still felt prudent. Finally, I nodded once. “Fine. But if you see anything out of the ordinary when you’re in a city, stop whatever you’re doing and get away until you’re sure it’s safe. You pissed off a lot of very dangerous individuals. I know you’re good, but there’s always someone better. That’s something you need to keep in mind when you’re alone.”

“Trust me, I know. That’s why I got away from that goon as soon as I saw him tailing me. I thought about killing him, but I figured that might cause some problems.”

“You figured correctly. And yes, I am apparently becoming a real proper lady now. It fucking sucks, but it is what it is.”

Kat reached back over to the knife she had just been sharpening and pulled it out. I lifted an eyebrow. She held it in one paw and drew it across the other, making her immediately start bleeding and making Cascade gasp. Kat pressed that bloody open palm over her heart and bowed low, holding the dagger out before her with the other palm. “I swear a blood fealty to you, Lady Navarone. Direct my life as you will.”

I honestly had no idea what to do. There was obviously some kind of ceremony or something that I didn’t know about. It seemed like the right thing to do, so I carefully pulled the knife away from her. “I accept your oath of fealty, Katrina. I will direct you to the best of my ability, and reward you for your service as best I can.” She looked at me expectantly, then at the dagger. “Alright, I don’t really do the whole ceremony thing, Kat. We’re in private, so let’s just leave it at that, okay?”

She blinked a few times, then slowly took the knife back from me. “You were supposed to slice your palm, and then we’d press them together with yours on top, to show that your blood always comes before mine.”

“That’s disgusting and sounds like a good way to spread disease. Cascade, can you help her?” The poor elemental had been inching over ever since Kat cut herself, so she instantly pounced and healed her. “Thank you. Kat, I appreciate this. And I’m happy that you’re with me until the end. As my vassal, you and your safety are officially my responsibility. I order you to come to me if you have even the slightest inkling that you might be in danger from those assassin clans. We’ll deal with them together.”

She blinked yet again. “I… I was not expecting that.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. After this adventure is over and we save the world, if you want to be free of my service, I will free you from your oath. If you choose to stay by my side, you will have a place. The entire Everfree Forest is becoming my domain, so I will have plenty of land to grant you and Spider. We can talk to Zecora about taming it later, when it becomes relevant.”

She clenched her newly healed paw. “I am with you until the end, my lady.”

“Don’t start that shit with me, at least not in private. Now, I need you to steal some things for me.”

“Oh, wow. You’re jumping straight into it, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah. Celestia has a private library hidden in a secret chamber in the palace library. I don’t know exactly where it is or how to get in. I’ll let you borrow my ring and my key. If you can safely get in, bring me every book you can find that I wrote. Don’t take any weapons with you. If you get caught, run if you can and surrender if you can’t. I’ll make sure you stay out of trouble.”

She just looked at me for a few seconds before slowly asking, “If you can make sure I won’t get in trouble, why can’t you just get the books yourself?”

“It’s a long story that involves a lot of censorship. Bring me those books before we leave Canterlot. If you need help, ask Doppel. She can scout the place out for you and possibly find you an easier way inside.”

“Very well. May I bring Spider?”

“Yes, but keep him out of sight. You can be seen by guards until you start breaking in. I don’t want him seen at all. They’ll look at you funny. They’ll actively watch him.”

“I understand.”

“Only look at the books you find long enough to determine if they’re something I wrote. If it is not, leave it exactly where it is and don’t look at it anymore. I don’t care how tempting it is, leave the other books alone. There is dark, dark shit in this world, and that ring won’t protect you from everything. I don’t know what she has in that place and I damn sure don’t want to find out. Find my books and get out.”

“Of course. Stealing is not typically how I operate, but I know enough to know that I should only take what my client, or in this case my patron, wants.”

“Good. Hold onto them until you know that I am alone or with people you trust, then deliver them to me.”

She pressed the paw she cut against her chest and bowed again. “Your will be done, Navarone.”

“Thank you, Kat.” She straightened back out, smiling. “Do you know if the naga or Rarity are still on board?”

“Rarity is, but I’m not sure about the naga. I don’t talk to him much.”

“I’ll go check.” I nodded at the elemental at Kat’s side. “It was nice to see you again, dear.”

She flushed pink again. “And you as well, father.”

I still didn’t want to deal with Rarity yet, so Taya and I went deep into the bowels of the ship, down to where the naga resided. His door was also open. He and Doppel were leaning over a heavy book. He was slowly sounding out words when I knocked on the side of the door.

They both looked up, of course. Doppel’s face split into a grin and she flew across the room to hug me. “You’re back, Master!”

“Sure am,” I said, hugging her back. I almost corrected her and told her to call me mistress, but I decided it could wait until the naga wasn’t right there. “I heard you two had some fun while I was away, too.”

Doppel flinched slightly and the naga snorted. “It was hardly fun,” he growled. “I dealt with a thief. The pony guards did not approve, but they also did not stop me. I consider that the end of that.”

“It was awful,” Doppel whispered, shivering slightly against me.

“That is not quite the end of it,” I said. “Pony laws are not quite as draconian as naga laws. I advise you remember that the next time you deal with a criminal in pony lands. By all means, catch them, but do not punish them yourself. You got away with it this time because you’re fucking horrifying and those guards were probably pissing themselves, but the next batch of guards you run into might not be so chickenshit. I can probably get you out of some trouble come tomorrow, but I don’t want to have to abuse my authority like that.”

He grunted. “So be it. Next time, I’ll just drag the criminal to the guards and let them see the failures of their own weak laws. There are few thieves in the naga caves, for those that steal are dealt with promptly and brutally.”

Doppel finally let me go and flew back to land on the ground. “It’s actually true in changeling caves as well. Drones are encouraged to subdue any changeling they see committing a crime. Given the disparity in numbers between drones and all the other classes, attempting to subdue the criminal usually ends up with the criminal getting crushed, or worse.”

“Well, you’re not in the naga caves or the changeling caves,” I said. “This is happy go lucky sunshine and rainbow pony land. Their laws and customs are different. You should know this by now, naga.”

He rolled his eyes. “I am well aware. However, just because I know they are different does not mean I know how they are different.”

“You have sixteen retired guards on board you can ask. Either ask one of them or ask one of them to accompany you whenever you travel in pony cities.”

He sighed. “Very well. I suppose, as a direct representative of the naga, I should do my best not to shame my species in the eyes of the ponies. I shall learn the proper laws of the land and attempt not to overslide my bounds next time.”

“Good. We’ll probably be back in the air in about two or so days. If you have any business to do in the city, do it quickly. I need to speak to Rarity.”

“Have fun, Master.” The naga just grunted and went back to his book. After a second, Doppel buzzed over and joined him. Taya and I went back up the stairs to look for the dreadful white menace.

“So, wanna place a bet on how frilly this piece of shit dress is gonna be?” I asked.

“I’m gonna go with very.”

“Well, it’s hard to have a bet if all participants bet on the same thing.” Knowing Rarity, my expectation was very pink, very frilly, and very annoying.

But strangely enough, the closer we got to her room, the darker the ship seemed to grow. It wasn’t too obvious, but the light definitely seemed to be a lot dimmer in front of her room than just a few meters down the hall. I could hear a small amount of shuffling on the other side, and what sounded like some kind of muttering.

Despite the small amount of trepidation I felt, I confidently knocked. The shuffling and muttering immediately stopped. A few seconds later, the door slowly eased open and a very harried dress horse poked her head around the side. Her bloodshot eyes and haunted expression greeted my raised eyebrow.

As soon as she saw me, she started chuckling. Deep, throaty laughs that slowly picked up in volume until it was honestly somewhat uncomfortable. Finally, it turned into a straight cackle that seemed to go on for a full minute.

“So uh… I heard you were making something for me,” I cautiously said.

Her laughter immediately stopped and she just stared at me. “You.” It was a direct accusation, one I didn’t know how to reply to. “You, a noble.”

“Um. Yes?”

“A high-class, virtuous noble, invited and welcomed to all social circles.” She giggled again, still not opening the door even farther. “A high-class noble with heraldry and land and a direct line of ascension!”

“Wait, line of ascension?”

She didn’t pay that any mind. “The boorish and rude Lady Navarone! Owner of the savage Everfree and brutal warrior that won the hearts of all Equestrians!” Her door slammed open and she squared up in front of me, now glaring. My eyes couldn’t even glance over her shoulder to see what was behind her. “Lady Navarone! Friend to Lord Fancy Pants and Lady Fleur de Lis, richest being in all Equestria, writer of dozens of novels and painter of dozens of paintings! You. A true noble lady!”

She glared for about fifteen more seconds before her eyes seemed to crack. The anger left her and was slowly replaced with sorrow. The laughter started again, but this time she fell to the floor and curled up into a ball, trying to laugh around tears.

Well, this is inconvenient. She was in the way of the rest of her room, so I couldn’t get in to get my clothes. Her body was just long enough that stepping over her would be uncomfortable and I couldn’t fly over her in that tight space. Taya could probably teleport us over, but I wasn’t sure if our clothes were done or if they had even gotten started. Drama and tears are Rarity’s specialties, so I had a feeling she could keep up her show for long enough to be annoying. Playing her game was unfortunately my best shot at getting out of there quickly.

That did not mean I had to play by her rules, however. I looked next to me, where Taya was watching Rarity with a bored expression on her face. “Taya, activate cuteness.”

She looked up at me and blinked. “Really? Now?”

“Yes.” I pointed at Rarity. “Do your thing.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, then focused back on Rarity. After a second of mental preparation, her eyes welled up and she plodded toward the balled up mare. “You… you aren’t mad at mommy, a-are you?”

Rarity slowly looked up at Taya. She noticed the tears pooling at the poor filly’s eyes and flinched, then slammed her own eyes shut. “No, no, you won’t use her against me!”

Taya softly whimpered. “W-why are you angry with mommy? She’s just trying to do what’s b-best for me…”

Blue magic grabbed both of Rarity’s ears and pressed them flat against her head to try to block out my adorable daughter’s voice.

It did not, however, protect against the weak nuzzle Taya did to her. Rarity flinched again and tried hiding her face behind her forelegs. So Taya just softly brushed her side with a hoof, making Rarity whimper.

There isn’t too much cuteness you can do against someone fighting back like that, but Taya had a trump card. Her horn lit up and magic dragged Rarity’s forelegs away, then forced her eyes open just in time to see Taya actually start crying. “W-why are you d-doing this?” she forced out between tears. “W-we just want our p-pretty dresses!”

For a moment, I honestly thought Rarity was going to have a heart attack. But she finally recovered and instantly hugged the poor filly. “There there, dear. I made the dresses, I promise! I did, and I did a truly outstanding job. You’ll be the prettiest little filly anywhere, believe you me! Please, there’s no need to cry!”

Taya immediately calmed down and her voice returned to its normal dead tone. “Okay.” She pushed away from Rarity and walked back to my side.

Rarity watched her go with a disturbed look on her face. “How in the world…” she slowly whispered, shaking her head.

“That’s the power of cute,” I said. “So, are you done with your tantrum now?”

Her eyes went from Taya to me. With that change came a glare. “You are a monster.”

“Yeah, well, I’m a monster who’s about to be a noble.” Her teeth started grinding. “And I’ll need an outfit made by the best fashionista in Equestria to attend the ceremony.” Unfortunately, Celestia sent a message to you instead of Photo Finish.

That did little to abate her anger. She angrily sniffed. “You may enter, Taya. And get your stupid human butt in here, Navarone.”

“Ouch, my feelings,” I said, rolling my eyes and stepping inside. Taya followed without a word.

Since I outplayed her drama with Taya’s cuteness, Rarity’s game was done and she knew it. Her horn lit up and the light returned to normal in the room. I kinda wondered how she managed to make it seem darker to my augmented eyes, but I decided I was better off not knowing. On the far side of the wall were two large packages.

Rarity grabbed the larger of the two with magic and thrust it at me. “Take it and go.” She gently took the smaller one and held it up for Taya. “Here you are, dear. If you’d like my assistance in putting it all on, you are free to stay. I’d be delighted to help you.”

I rolled my eyes and put my package down. “Taya, hold her down on the bed, would you?”

Rarity’s eyes went wide as Taya lifted her up and pressed her against the bed, on her back. “Don’t you dare harm me, you wretch!” she hissed, struggling to move any of her legs. Taya was holding each one down and had another spout of magic against Rarity’s horn, preventing her from doing anything. “Unhoof me!”

“This is for your own good,” I said, approaching the bed with an outstretched hand. She eyed it with trepidation and actually started trembling as it approached. She howled as it gently stroked her soft belly and she started spouting off all the amusing pony curses she knew.

Of course, no one can resist my stomach rubs for long. After her curses ran out of steam, she was forced to lie back and enjoy it like the little tummy slut she is. She whimpered in joy and one of her back legs started trying to kick, though Taya wouldn’t let it move too much. Soon, Rarity’s tongue was lolling out and she began panting, with drool dripping down one side of her face.

About ten minutes after I started, I pulled the package over with a foot and grabbed it by the strings. “Taya, can you teleport the two of us out?”

“Easily. Just say the word, mommy.”

I looked back down at Rarity, who was doing her best to glare at me with a dopey expression of joy on her face. “Thank you for the clothes, Rarity. I’m sure they’ll be exquisite. And don’t worry, there’s no need to thank me for the belly rub. Taya, shall we?”

Her horn lit up brighter and we both appeared on the deck of the ship. Before I could say anything, she fucking booked it into the palace. I followed her as quickly as I could, knowing that being anywhere near ground zero would be a bad idea for anyone that didn’t want to be in a disgustingly pink dress.

For better or worse, Taya hadn’t been keeping up with her jogging while I was away, so she quickly found herself out of breath and had to slow down about halfway to my room. “It’s always nice to help Rarity relax,” I idly commented as we continued our walk. Taya was probably too out of breath to reply. Either that or she just didn’t have anything to say. “I’m sure she’ll be very grateful toward both of us. She seems to really enjoy seeing you act cute, so you might want to be ready to do it the next few times we bump into her.”

My loving, adorable daughter rudely snorted, and left that as her only reply.

It felt good to have her back at my side.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Six — Ennobling

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Six — Ennobling

On the way back to my room, Taya and I bumped into the maid that typically bothers me. Of course, she was on her way to bother me yet again. “Lady Fleur de Lis would like to see you, my lady,” she said with a bow.

“How do you always know when people are here for me?” I asked. “Like, are you telepathic or do the guards just hunt you down when someone comes to see me?”

She smiled sweetly. “A proper maid never fails to serve her mistress. I took the liberty of allowing Lady Fleur to wait at your door. I hope that is acceptable.”

“It is. Thank you, Rose Dancer.” She bowed again and trotted off, humming a happy tune. I shook my head and we continued on our way.

“Can we trade Doppel for her?” Taya asked.

“No.”

“Okay.”

We weren’t too far from the room when the maid found us, so Fleur didn’t have to wait too long. A large smile split her face when she saw us coming, and she skipped to meet us. As soon as she got to us, she carefully pulled the package from me with magic and hugged me. “Ah, Nav, it’s nice to see you again!”

“It’s only been a couple of days, you know,” I replied, hugging her back. She was just the right kind of soft and squishy for me.

“Minutes, hours, days… They can all go by so slowly, if you have nothing but dull company to spend it with.” She dropped the hug and turned on my daughter. “And you must be Taya!”

“I am,” my loving daughter dully replied.

Somehow I had a feeling that Fleur would get tied in a knot if I let their meeting take its natural course, so I decided to take the reins back. “So what did you need?” I asked, continuing the walk to my room. I needed to speak to her privately and I figured if she was hunting me down, she probably also needed something.

Fleur didn’t miss a beat and followed, still carrying my box of clothes. “Do you remember the idea you had for an all-race beauty pageant?”

“Remind me,” I said, opening my door and letting myself in. The other two followed me and Taya casually pushed the door closed with magic.

“When we first became friends, you suggested that I look into a world-wide Miss Equestria show. Though I suppose it wouldn’t be Miss Equestria, at that point. Basically, take all of the races in the world, or all of the races that chose to participate, and bring them into a beauty talent show to try to bring more unity to everypony.”

“Oh yeah. That. What about it?”

“Well, Queen Chrysalis approached me yesterday and said you spoke to her about it as well. She asked if I would support her in assisting to host such an event.”

“Cool.”

“Indeed! I said yes, of course, though I admit to knowing little about the requirements of such a thing. Truly, Queen Chrysalis… scares me a little, but I believe her heart is in the right place. If… do changelings have hearts?”

“I dunno, probably?”

“Well, no matter. I told her that I would do my utmost to assist her, though I believe she actually intends me to do most of the work.”

“Good luck. I believe in you.”

She stood there for a few moments longer, possibly waiting for more. When nothing else came, she awkwardly cleared her throat and placed my package on the desk. “I was wondering if you could perhaps help me.”

“Dude, I’m leaving in a few days. And now that my ship is here, I’ve got a lot of shit to do and not much time in which to do it. If you’ll recall, I’m about to be made a noble. That shit’s happening tomorrow. I still haven’t spoken with the leader of my guards or the captain of the ship, I haven’t spoken to Celestia about what’s gonna happen tomorrow, and I also have some very important plans with Blossom tomorrow that I actually need your help with.”

“Even if you can’t lend your physical support, having your name involved would be an incredible boon, Nav. Everypony in the world knows who you are. Simply put, you’re famous and in high standing with every race that I know of. Ponies, griffins, changelings, naga, cats, sheep, minotaurs… And even more, I’m sure. If you can’t assist me in helping put the event together, can you at least give me permission to use your name when needed?”

“Sure.” She nodded smartly. “Alright, what are you doing early tomorrow night?”

“Celebrating my divorce, which will be happening some time tomorrow morning.”

“Wrong answer. You’re helping Blossom early tomorrow night.” She slowly lifted an eyebrow. “She’s telling Celestia she’s a vampire.” The eyebrow dropped and she gasped, lifting a hoof to her mouth. “All three of us will approach her. I’ll pacify her and make sure she can’t hurt Blossom. You’ll act as the voice of the people and tell Celestia you aren’t afraid. If Blossom gets kicked out of the guard, I’ll make her a vassal and she’ll come with me.”

“What if… what if the princess hurts her?”

“She won’t.”

Her ears twitched a few times. “Are… are you sure?”

I reached over to my bed, where a knife was sitting. I pulled it out and held it up. “Celestia will not harm Blossom, Fleur.” Her ears shot straight down and I put the knife back up. “If things start getting ugly, hide. Teleport yourself out if you can. But I very highly doubt that will happen. Celestia is usually a fairly reasonable person. Blossom is a good guard and has been for years. The worst case scenario I’m envisioning is her getting kicked out of the guard, which I could totally understand.”

“...Yes, especially if what she said about undead being illegal is accurate. Of course, I have no reason to doubt her.”

“She was sanctioned by Luna, not that it means much these days. Like I said, I highly doubt it’ll come to violence.”

“Hm. Having her assistance would be very useful for me in the coming months, but I imagine you would also find her invaluable. Hopefully the princess will recognize the value of having an immortal as the captain of her guard.”

“If not, whatevs. Don’t make me no difference, as long as I don’t have to actually try to fight her.”

Fleur was silent for a few long seconds before slowly asking, “Could you?”

“Fight her? Yes. Win? Psh, hell no.” Fleur blinked and Taya snorted. “Even with my armor, my weapons, and wearing my ring, she would probably beat me. But if I can get the ring on her, I can possibly buy Blossom a few seconds to run. Best case scenario of Blossom having to run is her dying tired.”

“...Ah.”

“Yeah, so let’s stay optimistic here.”

“That’s… Yes, let’s. What time would you like to approach the princess with this?”

“As soon as Blossom gets her lazy ass out of bed tomorrow night. I’ll be a noble and can make her a vassal with all the protections that entails, not that it’ll matter much if Celestia goes violent on us. I don’t know what time tomorrow I’m getting all noblefied, but it’ll probably be early. If you want to meet up some time after that and before talking to Celestia and take some time to relax and possibly celebrate your divorce, we probably can. I still haven’t spoken to my main people, so I don’t know what my schedule will be tomorrow.”

“I would… like that,” she said with the barest hint of a blush. “Blossom will actually be helping me move tonight, along with a few of my soon-to-be ex-husband’s servants. I would ask for your assistance, but I know you can’t stay up too much past dark.”

“I wouldn’t want to help anyway. Moving fucking sucks. I mean, I probably would, but I’d complain the whole time and probably make Taya do the bulk of my work.” My loving daughter rolled her eyes, then hopped onto the bed.

Before Fleur could chastise me for using my daughter as free labor, someone knocked at the door. Taya decided to take Flo’s place and used magic to open it without asking. Gourd and Watcher both walked in. Watcher sketched a quick salute for Fleur’s benefit, but he dropped it without waiting for me to return it.

“So we’ve heard some interesting news,” Gourd said.

I looked back to Fleur. “It was nice seeing you again, Fleur. Come find me after the ceremony tomorrow. If I have time, we can talk more.”

“Of course, Nav. It’s been a pleasure.” She looked to Taya with a smile. “It was nice meeting you, Taya.” She got no reply after a moment of waiting. Her smile dipped slightly before she turned to Watcher and barely bent her front knees. “Hello and goodbye, Mister Watcher.”

“Ma’am.” With that, she went on her way with a hearty gait.

As soon as her tail flicked out of the door, Gourd closed it with magic. “So how do you know her?” he asked Watcher.

“Her husband wanted to know if I was gay, so he sent her to seduce me back around when they first got married. I took her up on it and collected more than once. She remembers a few certain stallions that have showed her an exceptional time.”

“Jesus, and you call me shameless,” I said, shaking my head. “Whatever. So I’m becoming a noble. What’s changing on the boat and what all am I gonna need to do tomorrow?”

Watcher looked at Gourd. “Rock, paper, scissors?”

“Sure.” Their horns lit up. A few seconds later, a rock appeared above Gourd and scissors appeared above Watcher.

“Me first, I suppose.” They looked back at me and Watcher continued talking. “Nobles may have a personal group of guards that act as guards of their land, property, and body. They may also have a number of vassals that enjoy several privileges. A noble may have one vassal for every five square kilometers of land they possess. They may have one guard for every square kilometer. You own the Everfree Forest. The entire Everfree Forest. You may have… Well, truth be told, nobody knows how many guards or vassals you can have. An accurate measurement has never been taken of the forest and it slowly expands every few years. But you may certainly have enough vassals that every single pony on the ship could be one.”

“That seems like a lot of people to trust,” I said.

“Yes s… ma’am. Celestia and I decided that it would be best to name a vassal and call him or her the captain of your guards, and employ the rest of the guards as your bodyguards.”

“I agree with that,” I said with a nod. “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that’ll be you.”

“Yes ma’am, it would. However, after we’re done saving the world, I will retire from your guard and ask that you let Sentinel be in charge. I will likely be happy to remain as your vassal, but my fighting days are coming to an end.”

“I’m perfectly okay with that. Anything else on your end?”

“For the immediate future, no. Gourd?”

My boat captain nodded. “The Second Chance is yours now, my lady,” he said with a bow.

“...Nah, I’m not letting Celestia force you to give me your ship.”

He stood back up, shaking his head. “You misunderstand. This was my decision. I’ve been speaking about it with the rest of the crew, too. We put it to a vote. Six out of seven of us agreed that we’d ask to be in your service after this whole thing was over with. The one that disagreed said we should just say buck it and do it now.”

“Dude, why? Like, come on. I gave you a boat, I gave you a second chance, I gave you a chance to live in peace. Why the fuck would you want to be under my banner?”

“Um. Because you gave us a boat, a second chance, and a chance to live in peace?” Taya giggled.

“...Alright, yeah, I walked directly into that one. What happened to being a passenger ship and all that?”

“Nav, no one wanted to hire us before we got all the scary military-level upgrades. We’re literally a floating war ship. The only ponies that might want to hire us would do it to essentially be pirates. I’m not going to be a privateer, no matter whose banner I’m flying under. At this point, we’re much better off being a trade ship, but none of us even have the startup capital to get that going. We want to work with you because we know you can support us and we know you can use us. We help you make more money, you help us stay in the air. I’ll become your vassal and my crew will become yours, under my command.”

“Fuck both of you. I’ll make you vassals tomorrow, after Celestia ruins what was left of my life.” They both nodded and Watcher actually smiled. “Yeah, yeah, you act all happy now, but wait until I tell you one of our future destinations. We’re going to pony hell.”

“You’ll get to see all your new friends again,” Watcher sarcastically replied, rolling his eyes. “When?”

“After we get the other two fires, because I damn sure ain’t going up in that bitch without them to support us. The waters still haven’t told me where the other two are, but if they manage to be in a worse place than we’ve been to so far, I’ll be extremely disappointed in myself for saying this because that meant I jinxed us.”

“You really should know better, mommy,” Taya said.

“Shut your adorable fucking face, dear,” I replied. “Do you two know if I have any kind of paperwork I need to do after this shit is done?”

“I’ve only seen one ceremony,” Watcher said. “She had to sign her name in the big rainbow book. As far as I know, that’s all you have to do that’s ceremony specific. Taya will stand at your side. Gourd and I will stand behind you, to be made your first vassals. I will have an honor guard ready, a squad of my soldiers. Two of the pegasi will accompany you everywhere until we leave the city.” I lifted an eyebrow. “Celestia’s request. Apparently there was an incident.”

“There was. Three nobles tried to rescue Pertz. I killed them. Their widows tried murdering me the next night, at a party.”

“Some party,” Gourd muttered.

“I assume there’s more to it than that,” Watcher slowly said.

“Celestia sentenced Pertz to Tartarus after an obviously biased trial. She literally started it by asking him to plead guilty to save herself some time, because it was a foregone conclusion.”

“Well, it was,” Taya said with a shrug.

Watcher’s smile disappeared, though. “She should not have done that.”

“She was doing it on purpose, to antagonize the nobles she knew were plotting against her. After the trial, she sentenced him to Tartarus in front of them all, then said he would spend his night in solitary in prison tower C.” Watcher slowly face hoofed. “What?”

He shook his head, dropping his hoof. “Prison tower C is a myth. That’s where she sentences every pony that’s too dangerous to let live before having them disposed of. I imagine Pertz is no longer alive.”

“Yeah, she murdered him in front of me, using my sword.” Gourd gasped and Watcher sighed, shaking his head. “She gave me a list of nobles and told me to kill them if any of them tried freeing him. Sure enough, three did. They attacked me, I killed them, their widows tried killing me, Fancy Pants arrested them.”

“I’m assigning three guards to you, starting tonight,” he said. “They will stay with you or at your door at all times.”

“Alright. Anything else?”

“Rarity has something for you,” Gourd said.

“Already got it,” I replied, waving a hand at the package Fleur left on the desk.

Watcher nodded. “Then you probably already know about Gilda and Rainbow Dash, the naga, and Kat?”

“I spoke to the naga, I’ll deal with Dash and Gilda, and I spoke to Kat. She swore fealty to me.”

“She did, but the naga didn’t?” Gourd asked, his eyebrows lifting up.

“Naga aren’t about that life,” I said with a shrug. “They belong to their clan first and foremost. The naga has two blood debts to me that he wants to see settled. Aside from those, he owes me nothing, although I’m actually a member of his clan. What will I need to do to officially make Kat a vassal?”

“Swear her in as one,” Watcher said. “You’ll learn how tomorrow, when you make us vassals. Or you can have her attend and swear her in there as well. Though it’s not like it honestly matters. Vassals have very few extra privileges in the law. She’d be fine as she is now.”

“If this shit is becoming official, I’m keeping all my business open and honest,” I said. Taya snorted and that reminded me that I literally just ordered Kat to break the law for me. “Mostly.” Watcher raised an eyebrow. “...Well, as long as doing so is convenient. If Kat is going to be my servant and vassal, she is going to have all the same protections and whatnot that my other servants and vassals will. Way I figure, that’s only fair.”

“Remember that she’s an assassin with a price on her head,” Watcher said. “If you have her in your employ and any of the nobles here in Canterlot find out about her past, you will instantly make dozens of high ranking enemies. You’ll also have to worry about her old employers wanting revenge.”

“I will not allow myself to become a hostage to good manners and high society,” I said. “If who I choose to associate with earns me enemies, so be it. I will encourage Kat to practice caution, but I will not cast her aside because politics deem it convenient.”

“Noble, if unwise,” Watcher said with a shrug. “You were warned.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“You’ll probably find suitors of both genders approaching you, but mostly stallions,” Watcher said. “Please turn them down gently. I understand that you don’t consider most nobles worth your time, but you’re going to be one of them now and you can’t afford to make enemies this early. For the most part, you’ll be far enough removed from Canterlot that a few small feuds won’t bother you, but if you truly anger a noble, even a low ranking one, you’ll find that their allies become your enemies as well. Noble blood in Canterlot runs deep and most of the families are interconnected somehow. If you anger enough of them, you’ll find them all against you. Should you ever attempt a project outside of your own realm, you’ll find making headway… difficult. And they’ll be able to make many other things difficult for you in the long run, as well. The Everfree will not be an easy location to tame. Trying to do so without extra support will make it all the worse.”

“Noted.” He nodded. “So do you think I should even make an attempt to tame the Everfree?”

“I believe that doing so would be extremely difficult without permission from the spirits of the forest,” Watcher said. “Zecora has told me enough to know that. And getting their permission will likely not be easy. But if you can do so, you can build a city that’s impossible to attack, export goods that are unobtainable anywhere else, charge whatever kind of tax you want on traders coming and going, and essentially expand your operations at your own pace, free of any kind of outside influences. I believe that if you wanted, you could create a magnificent city there and become the most powerful noble in Equestria. The political power and amount of wealth you could obtain would have rivaled that of the griffin king before he decentralised his power.”

“That sounds like a yes to me.”

“Yes ma’am, that is a yes.”

“I’ll talk to Zecora about it. Anything else?”

“That’s it from me,” Gourd said with a shrug. “Though I will have some personal paperwork for you to fill out tomorrow that will dedicate a small amount of funds that Watcher and I can both access for anything the ship needs. Depending on our first destination after we leave, I can probably stock up on trade goods that’ll fetch a good price. I’ve been abstaining until now, but I believe, as long as our destination is tame, that we can make a nice profit.”

“Get it to me after I make you vassals,” I said with a nod. “I don’t know how much guards typically make. When you two get that paperwork written up, start with taking out all the back pay for the guards and your crew. I’ll give them three days, starting tomorrow, to relax in Canterlot. We leave after that. Include Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Gilda, the naga, and Spike, but don’t pay them any more until I speak to them.”

Watcher bowed. “Yes, my lady.”

“Not in private. If you gotta say anything, ma’am works. In public, go full retard if you want, though I’d prefer you didn’t.”

“Yes ma’am. And I have nothing else, either.”

“Alright. If you two have any personal uses for that money, feel free to take out what you need. The ship comes first, of course, but there’s probably plenty to go around. I honestly have no idea how much is in there.”

“I overheard some nobles talking,” Gourd said, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Word among the bankers is that you’re probably the richest patron your particular bank has.”

“Cool, then we’ll have plenty for the ship. Do what you guys need with the money.”

“I do have a suggestion,” Watcher said. “Find and hire an accountant or secretary before we leave. Let him or her keep up with the bills your keep has and keep track of the money you have. You’re a noble now. You can’t afford to rely on hearsay and rumors to know how much money you have.”

“And if we’re going to start trading on the side, we’ll need one to keep track of profits,” Gourd said. “That way, we can easily know what route is the most profitable and what goods we need to move to make the most.”

“Fuck, I don’t know a thing about that shit,” I said. “I’ll look into it. I have enough sources of income that I should have done this ages ago. I’ll go to the bank in two days to speak to them and get some advice. This is probably something I should have done as soon as Chrysalis gave me that fucking mine, but whatever. If you guys see Kat today, tell her to come see me before the ceremony. There probably won’t be time to get her to dress all fancy-like, but I’m okay with that. Also, spread the word about my demon wing thing so I don’t have to explain it a dozen times. And if you want, feel free to tell everyone to swap over to whatever bullshit female terms they’d typically use for me.”

Watcher nodded, but Gourd asked, “Why? What changed?”

“My dick changed into a vagina.” He lifted an eyebrow. “I have a long life ahead of me. The sooner I accept it, the easier it’ll go. If I find a way back, cool. If not, it is what it is. I’m tired of fighting unnecessary battles. I am a woman and I have to find a way to be happy about that, or I’ll spend the rest of my life miserable.”

“I’m proud of you, Nav,” Watcher softly said, actually smiling. “I really am. You’ve taken a lot of bad hits, but you’re finally learning to roll with them.”

“I’d say I learned that lesson a long time ago, when I got brought to Equestria, but yeah. I’m trying to make the most of a bad situation. As time goes on, I’m finding that being a girl isn’t necessarily worse, just different. And truth be told, despite my distaste for the idea, I know being a noble will be essentially nothing but beneficial. I’ve spent too much time being unhappy. I’m finally, finally learning how to just accept and learn to like what I have, even if it’s something I never thought I’d want.” It doesn’t hurt that most of what I have is pretty fucking awesome.

Right as I finished saying that, Taya hugged me from behind. I turned and hugged her back. Gourd snuck up behind me and also hugged me, surprisingly enough.

“So I guess we’re just doing a human sandwich now?” I mused. I couldn’t hug both and Taya was squishier, I continued hugging her.

“I hate to ruin the sandwich, but that won’t stop me,” Watcher said, joining the two of them. “But if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.”

“...Your fur is softer than I imagined,” I quietly said as he pressed against me.

“Just because I’m a soldier doesn’t mean I can’t keep myself well-groomed and clean,” he replied. “And when you grow up pink, it pays to stay clean.”

Gourd snorted a laugh. “Why?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Gourd shrugged and released me first. Watcher abandoned me shortly after. That left me with two cold spots. Taya decided to hold on longer, so I let her go and looked back at my soon-to-be vassals, though I left a hand on her head. “We’re headed back to the ship, unless you need anything else,” Watcher said.

“Nah. For the moment, I have everything I need. I’ll probably look over the outfits and then go find Celestia. I’m sure she’ll have some gloating to do before the ceremony.”

Watcher smirked. “I heard she liked being scratched behind the ear. If she starts gloating, try that.”

“I just might. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

Watcher saluted, still wearing a grin, and Gourd nodded. With that, they both left, leaving me with a huggy daughter. I grabbed her again and fell onto the bed with her on top of me.

When she was done having her back rubbed, we finally got to looking at the packages Rarity so generously gave us. When I opened mine, my mouth actually dropped.

The white dress had dozens of extremely ornate designs, detailing every one of my deeds. Helping the naga, depicted by me standing in front of a farmer with a brutal dagger in one hand. Acting as Santa Claus in Ponyville, shown by a wrapped present. The Egypt campaign, depicted by me flying toward a pyramid. Guarding Twilight when she did her water shit, depicted by me next to a unicorn with a sword in my hand. Bringing Spike to the dragon migration, depicted by a dragon eye overlaid on a diamond. The defense of Emerald Script, shown by me standing with wings bared in front of two cowled cats. My tree powers, shown by my body overlaid with an oak leaf. The Maris competition, depicted by me standing on a pile of bodies with a sword in my hand. The changeling invasion, depicted by me standing on a dome. The dream machine, depicted by a picture of the statue. My discoveries in the Everfree, depicted by a pair of stones, a key, and a ring. Finding Reginald, depicted by me on a dragon. Beating Blueblood, depicted by me shooting him with a crossbow. Defeating the diamond dogs, depicted by a blur of shapes raining fire. Saving Cadance, depicted by me shooting a cowled griffin. Finding Excalibur, depicted by me killing a giant spider with the sword. My victory at Flankfurt, depicted by me squaring off against a cat. Saving Skyla, shown as me wearing nothing but a blanket squaring off against two cowled ponies. The war games, depicted as me with large fangs and bat wings, in my night knight armor. Blueblood’s attempted assassination, depicted as a horn through my chest and lightning shooting over my shoulder. Lyra and Bon Bon’s wedding, depicted by me standing between a pony and a changeling. Sombra’s defeat, with me standing over a dark pony, my hands raised to fight. The book world, depicted by the book overlaid with a feather. All of the shit in South America was sewn in as though it was all in a web, including our victory in the ambush, my assassination of the priestess, becoming a queen, and then making Arachne back down. Antarctica, depicted with a skull and crossbones. The victory over Trixie, depicted by me and a unicorn standing against another unicorn and an alphyn. Beating Pertz, depicted by just a picture of Africa with the Congo drawn in. My fight against the demons, depicted by what I later learned was the main symbol used to purify a demon’s sign. Finally, my ascension to a noble, shown by me wearing a tiara.

“This is beautiful,” I whispered, doing my utmost to actually take the thing in.

“It’s better than mine,” Taya matter-of-factly said. Her white dress had a few events, but her life was considerably more empty than mine. My dress had no blank spots. The blank spots on hers were filled in by lightning bolts.

I honestly didn’t know what to say about the dress, other than that it wasn’t at all what I was expecting. No frills, mostly white, a good length that wouldn’t trip me, and it was loose enough in the legs that I could easily move.

“I can’t believe this,” I muttered, setting it on the bed and slowly running my hand down the front. It was completely unlike anything else Rarity had ever made for me, aside from my direct requests. And even then, I had to watch her on those, because she typically added embellishments when I wasn’t looking and could stop her.

“Well, she also left a note,” Taya said, using magic to pull it out of the box. “I guess this is just what the princess asked for.”

“Probably.” I took the note and started opening it. “I bet this is just her complaining about how basic it is. Though I don’t know if you can really call this simple.”

Then I read over the note.

I slowly put it on the dress and lifted a hand to my face.

“What’s wrong, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Nothing, dear. Aside from the fact that now I feel like a total bitch.” I picked the note back up and started reading aloud. “My dear friend Navarone, I hope you love your outfit. I honestly and truthfully consider it my greatest work ever. The outfit Princess Celestia commissioned for you would have looked truly awful. I believe she wanted you to wear it as some manner of punishment. I will not allow that, not for one of the most important days of your life. She may be upset with me, but I don’t care. I will not allow one of my best friends to look back on such an important moment with disgust, because they were forced into that moment looking anything other than their absolute best.

“I know there are times you think I dislike you, and I know there are times I think you dislike me. But we both know that we are friends. Friends with differences, friends with problems, and sometimes barely even friends at all, but I don’t think we ever truly could dislike each other. With that in mind, I am more honored than you could understand to make this dress for you. You are a true hero, and should look the part when you are finally recognized for it.

“I know you are not vain and dislike talking about your past deeds, so please, let my outfit do the talking for you. On this day of all days, allow yourself to feel pride. You have helped so many. There is no way for all of us to repay you. I hope this dress will act as a reminder of how much you are owed. Wear it with pride, for you have earned it.

“I am so happy for you that I could cry. Or laugh. When I see you, I suppose we’ll see which. Either way, I doubt I could properly express myself, so I took the liberty of doing it in a letter. I hope you take no offense.

“Love, your dearest friend Rarity.”

I slowly put the letter back on the bed and just stared at it.

Taya nodded and said, “Yep, you probably should feel like a total bitch.”

I slapped her with the letter, then walked over to my nightstand to grab the key and the ring. “Stay here.” She did so and I walked back to the ship alone.

When I got there, Kat was on the deck and it looked like she was going to start walking in. “I was just about to find you,” she said. “Watcher said you needed to speak to me.”

“...Yeah. Be at the ceremony with Watcher and Gourd tomorrow. I’ll make you an official vassal, so you get all the same rights and privileges.”

“Happily. Perks are always nice.”

“Also, you might need these,” I said, holding up the ring and key. She quickly snatched them and shoved them in a pocket before any of the guards could look our way, not that any of them really cared. “Get those back to me when you can.”

“Of course. Watcher also said we were going to be here for a little while. Is that right?”

“Yes. But try not to procrastinate.”

“I won’t. I was going to commission something from some metalworkers if we had time.”

“If you need extra bits, let me know.”

“I shouldn’t. I still have all the money from the Antarctic contract. I’m heading to that district before they close, unless you need anything else from me.”

“I don’t. See you tomorrow, Kat.” She nodded and started ambling down into the castle. I went down into the ship. Most of the crew and guards were gone, presumably celebrating their return to actual civilization. The halls were completely empty and mostly silent.

Rarity’s door was open this time. I could hear shuffling in there before I planted myself in the doorway. She was using magic to pack a few bags. If I had to guess, I’d say she was planning on going to Ponyville now that her packages were delivered.

It didn’t take long for her to notice me. When she did, she lifted an eyebrow. “What do you want?” she asked. I held up the letter. She eyed it for a moment before looking back at me. I lowered it and walked in. “Stay back, you fiend!” That was the only attempt she made to stop me, so I just snatched her in a hug.

A few seconds later, she slowly hugged me back.

Half an hour or so later, I found myself standing in front of a smirking sun horse and an unamused bug horse. “So what’s gonna happen tomorrow?” I asked.

“You are becoming a noble,” Celestia answered, her smirk turning into a full grin. “And you’ll be wearing your adorable noblemare’s dress. I can’t wait to see you in it!”

Moonbeam snorted and shook her head. “And you think I’m sadistic.”

“At least Celestia lets me cum sometimes,” I muttered.

The bug horse used magic to swat my ass. “Just for that, you don’t get to cum the next three times we’re together.” Celestia giggled.

“Sadist. Anyway, I meant the ceremony. What all do I need to do?”

“Very little,” Celestia said. “I have a script, but you do not. My script will be a slightly modified version of the standard one, but there’s still nothing in particular that you’ll need to know going into it. What will happen is that I will say a few words, you’ll repeat some back to me, and then I’ll teach you how to make vassals and you’ll swear in Watcher and Gourd. Most of the paperwork will be handled for you, as will all of the pomp and ceremony. Basically, all you have to do is show up. Your part in the ceremony should be over in less than fifteen minutes. And I know I probably don’t need to say this, but please come unarmed and without your ring.”

“...Why without my ring?” I asked.

“So you can swear your vassals in. Typically, I’ll use magic to seal a noble to their word of serving Equestria, but I won’t for you. That’s the slight modification I made. But you’ll still need to swear in your vassals.”

“How do I swear in vassals who aren’t unicorns, then? I don’t have magic of my own.”

“I’ll give you a magical seal with your heraldic symbol on it. Non-unicorn nobles use that to swear in new vassals. It will need to be attuned to you tomorrow, but that’s part of the ceremony. Relax, Nav. Everything will be taken care of. Tomorrow is your big day and I will ensure that nothing goes wrong.”

“I’m the most relaxed I have been for a very long time, Celestia,” I said. “I’m not worried at all, I’m just trying to get a feel for what’s going to happen. You needn’t worry your pretty little head about me being nervous.”

Her cruel smile turned warm. “I’m happy to hear that, Nav. I believe that I will be able to turn in early tonight, if you’d care to join me. I can’t imagine Moonbeam would mind if we spent some time together, just the two of us.”

“I’m afraid I can’t,” I said. “I have spent too long away from my daughter. I’d be delighted to join you, but I’d much prefer her company, no offense to you.”

She nodded. “I understand completely. The two of you are perfectly welcome to join me for dinner, should you be so inclined. I shall send a summons for you tomorrow, when it is time for the ceremony. Be prepared for it at ten in the morning.”

“I’ll be ready. And I will need to speak to you tomorrow night, before I go to bed. Please make some time available. It’s pretty important.”

She nodded again. “Of course. If it’s late enough, I’d be happy to discuss it over dinner. Perhaps just the two of us…?”

“I’m afraid not. We’ll have two other guests, though if all goes well, they shouldn’t be there long. After they leave, we’ll have the night to ourselves.”

“Then I hope all goes well. Now, I’d love to continue, but Moonbeam and I really need to get back to work. She’ll have to return to her hive soon, after all.”

“Then I’ll see you both later,” I said with a nod. “Night, Moonie.”

She smirked and turned into Taya. “If you really prefer your daughter’s company…”

Celestia used magic to slap her in the back with a book. “No.”

“Goodnight, Chrysalis,” I coldly replied. I left without waiting for her to reply. As soon as I stepped out of the sitting room they claimed as their work space, my escort of three guards fell into step behind me.

It was actually starting to get late, so I knew that I’d need to think of something to do for dinner. Once it became night, I’d pass out unless Taya gave me some energy or Flo kept me up. Without those, Taya would be on her own for food. She could probably manage, but I wouldn’t want her to have to.

And of course, she’d probably demand that I eat before going to bed anyway.

I looked over my shoulder at my gaggle of guards. “Any of you know a restaurant close by?”

“The kitchens are currently open,” one said. “That would save you a trip.”

“I really don’t want to sit in a cafeteria right now.”

“Then use room service. Your room has one of those magical bell cords, right?”

“...I forgot about that. Any of you guys hungry?”

“Watcher would be… somewhat unhappy if we ate on duty.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“...I could eat.”

So when we got back to my room, we all got food. It was pretty nice.

Around three in the morning, when I was most definitely asleep, something slowly eased down my back, lightly pricking at my skin and giving me goose bumps. Normally, that wouldn’t even be enough to wake me up, but Flo must have forced some adrenaline into me, because I went full retard, tossing Taya out of my arms and elbowing whoever the hell was behind me in the face.

Before my assailant could recover, I shot up and tackled her, dragging her to the floor and almost beating the shit out of her before I realized it was just a horrified Kat.

That didn’t stop Taya, who vaulted across the bed and lit the room up with a flash of horribly bright light, then shot a lance of fire under me. Normally, I’d find myself looking at a very crispy kitty. Thankfully, this particular kitty was still wearing my ring. Before Taya could hit her with something else, I held up a hand and calmly said, “Taya.” My daughter stopped immediately, though her horn was still lit up and ready to go.

I stood and held up a hand for Kat. She eyed it for just a moment before taking it and letting me haul her to her feet. “You’re quick, Nav. More so than I thought.”

“Yeah. Did I hurt you badly?”

“Nothing that will not heal on its own.” She removed the ring and held it up for me. I took it, of course. “I have successfully breached Celestia’s library.” She waved a paw to my desk, where she left a few books and my key. “Doppel took Spider back to the ship already.”

“You work fast, Kat. Any problems?”

“She will know that her library was breached. I do not know how long it will take her to realize. All of her traps were magical in nature, so your ring made short work of them. I left no trace that I could tell, but I am not sure what manner of defenses she might have that I could not detect. The three of us split up after the raid and went our separate ways. Doppel and Spider rendezvoused elsewhere and I wandered for a while before coming here. I believe there will be no problems.”

“I hope not. Taya, hit her with some healing.”

“It’s really not—” Taya healed her anyway. “...Thank you.”

“After the ceremony, Watcher and Gourd are getting me some paperwork that will allow them to take funds from my account to pay for shit they and the ship need. If you want, I can get them to add you to it as well. As my vassal, you’d be able to take what money you need.”

Her eyes widened for a moment before she winced and her ears shrank down. “No thank you. I would be too tempted to abuse it. I appreciate your trust in me, but I’m not worthy of that much.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Come to me if you need anything and you find yourself short. Now, go get some rest. The ceremony will probably be around ten tomorrow.”

She nodded. “I’ll see you in the morning, Nav. Sorry for waking you like that.”

“Man, what did you even do? I just felt something on my back and freaked.”

One of her paws lifted and her claws extended. “Lightly ran this down your back. I think those little bumps you get are cute.”

“Oh. Well, goodnight, Kat.”

“My lady,” she said with a small bow. She started heading out, so I fell back into bed. Taya joined me a moment later. Just like that, I was asleep again.

The next morning, my daughter and I had a staring contest. In her mind, it was a battle of the wills. In my mind, it was a battle against my patience, which was rapidly running out. Finally, I lowered my hands to the sides of the chair. “Taya, you can choose the easy way or the hard way. Either way, this is going to happen. One way involves a lot more time and pain for both of us. Don’t take that path.”

“Don’t make me do this, mommy.”

“Trust me when I say you won’t be doing it alone, dear. I will go get Twilight if I have to.”

She eased back in her own chair and her eyes went unfocused. Finally, they returned to mine. “Why do we have to?”

“Because that’s just the way it is. It’s expected of us, and today, we’re going to give them exactly what they expect. Now please, make this easy on both of us.”

She went silent for a few very long seconds before muttering, “I don’t wanna…”

“Too fucking bad.” I popped the makeup container open. “Look up.” Her head tilted to the ceiling. “Don’t play dumb with me. We’ve done this before.” She sighed and lowered her head back, then just looked up. I started applying the stuff and giving her directions as needed. She bore it with a sullen silence.

Soon, my daughter was transformed from an adorable little filly to an adorable little filly with makeup on her. It made basically no difference in my mind, but I still haven’t figured out what actually makes ponies attractive or not. To me, it was pretty much just like putting makeup on a horse.

When I was done, she turned her baleful gaze to the mirror and sighed in utter disappointment. “Why, mommy?”

“Because life is suffering and it only stops when you die,” I answered. “We still have an hour and a half, so you can get in your dress now or wait, up to you.”

She slid out of her chair and plopped her ass down on the bed. “I’ll happily wait. And watch you put on your makeup, of course.”

“Of course.” I was planning on doing it anyway. There wasn’t really a justification for doing it at Fleur’s party but not for the big ceremony to turn me into a noble, so I figured I was better off just doing it and getting over myself instead of trying to come up with an explanation for Celestia.

Once it was all good to go, I leaned back in my seat and just stared at myself. Honestly, I really had no idea what to think. My hair was light orange and down to my ass at that point, finally so heavy that instead of being super curly, it was mostly straight. My face was feminine and covered in makeup, making me look closer to my sister than me. One of my shoulders sported a demon wing and the other, an angelic wing.

I slowly lifted a hand to the mirror and slid it over my face. “I don’t even recognize myself anymore,” I whispered.

A knock at the door cut me away from self-pity. Before I could put on some more clothing or even think to stop her, Taya used magic to open it. Watcher, Gourd, and Kat all entered. Watcher was in his armor, Gourd was wearing a ship captain’s outfit, and Kat was wearing a set of heavy silk armor. All of their outfits were emblazoned with my red hand symbol.

Before Watcher could complain, I said, “Sorry for being mostly naked. My oh-so-sweet daughter is in a bitchy mood because I made her wear makeup and doesn’t seem to like waiting for permission to open doors.” She snorted, of course.

Since I cut that off at the start, Watcher just shrugged. “We’re usually completely naked anyway. Do you have everything you need for the ceremony?”

“Yeah. Once I braid my hair and get dressed, I’ll be good to go.”

Gourd shook his head. “Leave it down. It looks much better.” Everyone looked at him and he shrank back a little. “I-in my opinion, that is…”

I let that silence last a few more seconds to make him feel awkward. When his ears started twitching, I said, “I wouldn’t be making you a vassal in an hour if I didn’t value your opinion. Down it is.” He breathed a sigh of relief. “But you’re brushing it for me.” I tossed the brush at him. He reflexively caught it with magic.

“Um…”

“Did I fucking stutter?” He thought for a second, shrugged, and then walked over to my side and started running the brush through my hair with magic. “Did you two get that paperwork squared away?”

Watcher’s horn lit up and a small stack of paper appeared next to him. “We’re gonna need your signature a few times. It can’t actually take effect until we become vassals, but you can go ahead and sign everything now.”

“Float them on over,” I sighed, holding out a hand. He handed them to me and made a pen appear as well. “Alright, give me the abridged version of what I’m signing,” I said as I turned to face the desk. Gourd scrambled to follow me with the brush as Watcher walked up to stand at my other shoulder.

He explained what each page and signature meant as I signed them off. It pretty much boiled down to them getting an allotted three thousand bits a month. Their account would be refilled at the end of the month. Once they used the full three thousand, they could no longer obtain more until it reset. The unused money wouldn’t stack, so the highest it would ever go was three thousand. And that number, they assured me, was probably going to need to be adjusted every so often. That was just the amount they would need to catch up on all the costs they had up to that point.

So basically, as soon as they became vassals, I’d almost instantly lose three thousand bits for back pay, supplies, repairs, possibly trade goods once we had our next destination, and a few other odds and ends. Given that I already sank upwards of ten thousand bits into the expedition, it didn’t really seem like too big of a deal. I honestly had no idea how much I had in the bank, but I’m pretty sure each book I published was five hundred for the book itself and then royalties, and I had published at least a hundred books at that point. That put me at a base fifty thousand bits just from books, with god only knows how much in royalties that were being automatically deposited. Then there was the mine, the inventions and their royalties (like the pen), and a few other odds and ends.

So basically, it would take me a while to miss three thousand bits a month.

By the time I finished signing all those papers, we had about forty-five minutes left before the ceremony. None of us actually knew where it was supposed to happen or how long it would take to get there, so I knew my daughter and I needed to finish getting ready quickly. “So who knows how to help a lady get dressed?” I asked.

Watcher rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof. “I’m pretty good at helping them get undressed…”

“I can help,” Kat said. “Part of my training before… Well, I know how to assist noble ladies in a variety of ways.”

“Good. Help Taya, please. I can get dressed on my own.” My daughter sighed dramatically and hung her head. “Save the theatrics for when I’m making you do something on your own. I’m also putting on a fancy fucking dress, so I don’t wanna hear it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, mommy.” She turned to Kat and put on what she probably thought was a happy expression. “Don’t you just love dressing up and feeling pretty?” she asked with something approaching enthusiasm.

“Yes, actually,” Kat said. “So you’ll get no sympathy from me.” She walked over to where Taya’s dress was hanging and grabbed it. “Now let’s get you looking pretty!”

Kat had my daughter suitably in paw, so I walked over to grab my dress, but two sets of magic snatched it before I could touch it. I looked over at Watcher and Gourd and lifted an eyebrow.

Gourd shrugged. “We’re already here anyway. Might as well put us to use.”

“Fine, whatever,” I said. “Go ahead and do your thing. But don’t expect to make a habit of this.”

“We wouldn’t dream of it, ma’am,” Watcher said. His magic gently grabbed me and lifted me up while Gourd’s magic controlled the dress to slide it under me. Watcher lowered me into the dress and Gourd pulled it up around me until I was properly suited.

“That was very unnecessary, for what it’s worth,” I said as I began walking around the room to get a feel for the thing.

“You’re going to be our lady soon,” Watcher said. “It’s pretty much in the job description of a vassal to help their lords and ladies however possible, even when unnecessary. Usually, help is requested. Sometimes, we have to act on our own. Generally speaking, we won’t be doing anything we haven’t already been doing. But taking someone as a vassal implies an extra level of trust than just having someone as an employee, so to say. For example, should you ever become hospitalized for any reason and Taya is not around, the longest serving vassal present will be in charge of you and your forces until you awaken. Basically, it means we have the right to be a lot closer to you and we’re generally expected to help you before you even have to ask for something. In this case, that means helping you get dressed so you don’t risk falling on your face or ruining your beautiful dress.”

“Uh huh.”

Gourd shrugged and said, “I just wanted to play dressup.”

“At least you’re honest.” I had a pretty good feeling for how the dress moved at that point, so I turned to my daughter and Kat. Sure enough, Taya was in the dress, though she was staring at the little sandals Kat was holding up with disdain. “Taya, I swear to god. I know you’re a teenager, I know it’s literally programmed into you to be difficult right now, I know you really don’t want to do this. Life is just a long series of things we don’t want to do, occasionally dotted with a few things that aren’t shitty. So go ahead and learn how to tolerate the shitty parts now, because they don’t stop coming. Now put on your fucking shoes before I have all three of my soon-to-be vassals collaborate on how to make you more miserable.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. I narrowed my eyes. She rolled hers and used magic to put the sandals on.

Watcher’s horn lit up and something else lifted out of the package. I never actually looked in the box, so I honestly didn’t know there were heels in there. He floated them over to me with a grin.

“Taya, you can take your sandals off now.” Gourd burst out laughing as Watcher floated the heels back to the package. Taya smirked and used magic to remove hers. “Hey, this isn’t a win for you. I told you full well that I ain’t gonna make you do nothing I ain’t gonna do, and I damn sure ain’t putting fucking heels on again. That shit sucks hella hard.”

“I love you too, mommy.”

“Kat, pinch her cheeks for me.” Taya had time to look surprised before Kat was pinching her cheeks and cooing. I let it go on for a few seconds before saying, “You can stop if you want.” She didn’t stop, so I let it go on until Taya’s horn lit up. “That’s enough.” Taya’s eyes looked a lot more dead than normal, but her suffering is fun for everyone, so I didn’t take it to heart. “I figured a guy woulda been here for us by now.”

Everyone waited about fifteen seconds, expecting a knock. When none came, Watcher grunted. “I figured that would have done it. Celestia’s losing her touch.”

“We can give it five and try again,” Kat said with a shrug. “It is a little early.”

We all waited another ten seconds before Watcher shook his head. “They didn’t even go for the meta-conversation about it. What is the world coming to?”

We discussed how often shitty cliches actually happened in the real world until someone finally knocked on the door. Kat gracefully leapt across the room to answer it. One of the day guards stepped in and bowed for a moment. “Princess Celestia has—” He looked up, saw me, and stopped for a moment. “...You look very nice, ma’am.” His eyes were looking me up and down. I almost pretended to get offended before remembering what my dress had on it.

“Thank you,” I replied with a nod. “I’m also very impressed with this dress.”

“Er, sorry, ma’am. Princess Celestia has asked me to lead you to the hall where the ceremony will take place. If you are not ready, we can wait another five minutes before going.”

“We’re ready now,” I said. “We’ll be right behind you.”

“Just a sec,” Watcher said, holding up a hoof. “Nav, this is a good chance for you to start practicing. You’re about to be a noble lady. You need to speak a lot more politely and softly. I know you’re going into it as a soldier, but you need to start projecting yourself as a lady. You’ll need a lot of practice to stop from just slipping into your normal mode.” He looked back at the guard. “Forget you heard all of this, by the way.”

He nodded. “Of course, sir.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Watcher,” I said. “Sort of. I don’t want to look like I’m ashamed of what I am. But I want it to come out on purpose, not on accident.”

“That’s wise,” he replied with a nod. “Act like a lady normally, but when you get serious, revert back to talking like a soldier. Guard, repeat your conversation.”

The poor guy blinked, then thought for a second. “Uh. Princess Celestia has… You look very nice, ma’am.”

I very lightly curtsied. “Thank you, sir.”

He smiled and continued, “Princess Celestia has asked me to lead you to the hall where the ceremony will take place. If you aren’t ready, we can wait before going.”

“I am prepared. We would be happy to accompany you.”

“Then please, follow me,” he said with a bow.

“Just a sec, again,” Watcher said. “See there, Nav? If you act like what ponies expect a noble to act like, they’ll treat you like one much more readily. That’s extremely valuable, especially in a place like Canterlot.”

“Noted, though that matters less with how famous I am. Let’s go.”

The guard led the way out. I followed behind him and everyone else followed me. It was me, Taya, Gourd, Watcher, Kat, my three personal guards, and the random redshirt leading us. Since most of them were horses, the walk was not quiet. Even without metal shoes, hooves make a lot of noise against stone or marble floors. At least no one really spoke, so there was that.

Much to no one’s surprise, the guard took us to the royal overlook, the same place Cadance and Shining Armor got hitched. The doors were closed and two more day guards stood outside them. “Are they ready yet?” our guide asked.

“Not just yet,” one of the door guards said. “All the guests should already be there. The ceremony should begin in about five more minutes. You’ll need to enter in ten minutes, ma’am.” He tapped the door with one of his back hooves. “The princess will open these when it’s time.”

“Then I guess we wait,” I said, grasping my hands in front of my stomach. “This would be much worse if I was actually nervous.”

“How are you not?” one of the guards asked. The other two normal guards stared at him in shock and he flinched slightly. “I… I mean, if you don’t mind me asking…”

“I don’t mind at all,” I replied with a small smile. “Once you’ve stared death in the face a time or two, things that once brought fear to you seem to lose some of their power over you. I’ve stared death in the face considerably more than a time or two. I’m still afraid of plenty, but little ceremonies like this are nothing to me. If something goes wrong, so be it. But Princess Celestia has assured me that nothing will, so I have even less to fear. My mind is comfortably at ease.”

The two guards at the door shared a glance for a few seconds. Finally, one of them broke it and looked back at me. “My lady, I’d like to… apologize, on behalf of all the day guards.”

“Apologize for what?” I asked. “You have never wronged me.”

He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof. “Some of us may have… made things slightly more difficult for you in the past. We might have followed some regulations to the letter that we should have been more lenient about. And some of us might have… maybe said some unflattering things about you.”

Once he finished, I slowly walked forward until I was standing in front of him. He didn’t look up, so I gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He very weakly flinched and finally looked up, though his ears drooped down. “I accept your apology, though I must offer one of my own. My behavior was not always as pleasant as it should have been. I am striving to leave my past mistakes behind me, and I’d like the day guards to understand that I’m trying to better myself.”

His ears straightened and he covered the hand on his shoulder with a hoof. “Apology accepted, ma’am. And thank you.” My smile deepened for a moment before I backed away, since standing that close to a horse always feels awkward to me.

One of my personal guards softly snorted and muttered, “Why isn’t she like that with us?” One of his companions swiftly kicked him in the leg. He flinched and continued muttering much more quietly.

We pretty much just chilled there for another few minutes until the doors opened, revealing row after row of ponies in the crowd. My eyes followed the red carpet leading up to the great white horse herself. Oddly enough, Twilight and Flo were standing all the way up there with her.

“That’s your cue,” one of the day guards whispered.

I calmly folded my hands in front of me and began slowly walking down the aisle. Everything about the situation felt very wrong, but I had been feeling wrong for years. I pushed down my revulsion at wearing a dress in front of a huge crowd, the feeling of wings hanging at my back, the heaviness of my long hair pulling at me, and the growing feeling of warmth I felt in my head as Flo rejoiced in how awkward I felt.

For what it’s worth, she wants it known that she was feeling happy for me, not because I was feeling awkward.

When Celestia saw my dress, she hid her surprise fairly well. Her eyes tightened just a little and her smile took a very minor hit, but neither lasted long and she went back to serenely smiling. I knew I’d probably hear words about it later, despite it being absolutely not my fault this time.

Before I knew it, I was standing directly in front of her. She stood in silence for about ten seconds, just slowly looking over my dress and letting some of the noise from the crowd die down. I didn’t even realize it while I was walking, but they were all cheering.

Finally, Celestia’s eyes met mine. “Navarone. Your exemplary service to the nation of Equestria has been noticed. It is time to reward you for all the ponies you have helped. It is time to promote you as an example to others, to show what comes of good and extraordinary deeds. Are you prepared to spend your life in service to Equestria, its rulers, and ponykind everywhere?”

“I am, Princess Celestia,” I replied. I didn’t go out of my way to be loud, but magic picked my voice up and amplified it so the whole room could hear.

“Are you prepared to live a noble life in service of justice and honor?”

Psh, hell no. “I am prepared to try, Princess.”

“Are you prepared to defend those who follow you, and lead them to live righteous lives?”

“Yes.” Though they better be doing their fair share of defending.

“Are you prepared to use the land you will be bequeathed to the betterment of the realm?”

“I am.” Eventually. Maybe.

“Are you prepared to hold the next in your family line accountable for all the oaths you have taken today? And to have your next in line pass down the oaths to her children?”

“I am.” Though there’s no guarantee Taya will ever actually inherit any of it.

She moved one hoof closer and asked much louder, “Navarone, are you prepared to be uplifted to the ranks of the nobility?”

“Yes, Princess Celestia.”

“Then I grant you the noble title of Lady of Nature, ruler of the Everfree Forest.” She leaned down and tapped me on the head with her glowing horn. The light infused my body and I felt an immense heat in me for about a second before it disappeared and the light oozed out of my body. Celestia straightened back up. “As your noble seal, I grant you these.” Twilight’s horn lit up and floated a pillow over. It had a ring and a round metal emblem, both with the hand symbol on them. Celestia’s horn lit up and she grabbed both from the pillow and floated them in front of me. She took my left hand with magic. Her smile turned into a smirk and she slid the ring on my ring finger. Just like that, her face returned to its motherly look and she floated the seal to my other hand. “Turn to your followers, Lady Navarone.” I did so and Celestia walked up next to me. “Who will be first?”

“Watcher.” That was pretty much predetermined; Kat was irresponsible and Gourd wasn’t interested in the responsibility. Watcher stepped forward to stand before us.

“Lady Navarone, hold up your emblem and repeat after me.” I held up the heavy metal seal thing and she continued speaking. “Do you swear to serve and protect me to the best of your abilities?” I repeated that, of course.

Watcher pressed a hoof against the seal. “I do, my lady,” he replied. The emblem lit up and transferred some light into his hoof.

“Do you swear to forego all other oaths and serve only me?” I repeated again.

“I do, my lady.” Another band of light shot into him.

“Do you swear to treat my employees fairly and never quarrel with your fellow vassals?” Once again, I repeated.

“I do, my lady.” Another piece of light shot into him and the emblem went dark.

“Then you are now my vassal.” I repeated that last part and Watcher bowed again and backed away. “Now swear in your other vassals,” Celestia said, moving back to her original spot.

I did that whole process again with Gourd and then Kat. When that was done, I turned back to Celestia. Flo was now holding a large book, one that had the colors of all the Elements of Harmony on it. Celestia used magic to pull it in front of her. “Sign the Book of Nobility, Navarone,” she said, summoning forth an inkwell full of golden ink and pulling a single feather from her own wing.

I took her feather and dotted it into the ink. The entire thing instantly turned gold and the inkwell fully drained. I moved it over to the book, which opened on its own to the last empty page. None of the other entries interested me, so I just pressed the feather against the page and very slowly signed it. When I finished the last letter, the quill absorbed into the book and then it snapped shut.

Celestia floated it back over to Flo and started speaking again. “You came into this world alone and afraid, Navarone. You came to us rough and scarred. In your time here, you have wildly transformed, farther than I or anypony ever could have imagined. You have become great, in every sense of the word. With your newfound power, continue striving forward and continue bettering yourself, so that may we all follow your excellent example. Leave now, Lady Navarone, and continue your service to us all.”

Since it seemed like the proper thing to do, I curtsied before turning around and leading my little procession of vassals, guards, and one very bored daughter out. The crowd picked up its cheering again and dozens of photographers snagged photos of me on the way out. Hopefully I didn’t give them any particular weaknesses to exploit for their next bout of yellow journalism.

When we were all back in the hallway, the two day guards pulled the doors closed behind us. I let out a breath of air I didn’t realize I was holding and leaned against the wall for a moment.

“Okay, Nav?” Gourd asked, stepping up and lifting a hoof to one of my hands.

“I honestly don’t know,” I quietly replied. But I pushed off the wall and turned to my followers. “Watcher, Gourd, take those documents to the bank. Get what you need.”

Watcher saluted and Gourd bowed. “Do you need anything else?” Watcher asked.

“Not at the moment. If anything comes up, I might be difficult to find today. I’m going to spend some time with Fleur and there’s no telling how that might go.”

“We’ll be fine, ma’am,” Watcher said. “Don’t forget to take some time soon to hire an accountant.”

“I will today, if I have time after I deal with Fleur. If not, then I’ll do it tomorrow. Kat, walk with me for a bit.” Watcher and Gourd fucked off and the rest of us started heading back to my rooms.

“Do you have a task for me?” Kat asked.

“Sort of, but it’s nothing big or too important. You said you don’t have many sets of clothes.”

“I don’t. I left almost all of my casual clothes behind in Egypt when I betrayed King Jim. I’ve been replacing them as needed.”

“How much fancy shit you got, and how much of it can you hide weapons in?”

“Not much and all of it. Of course, you also must remember that I am a weapon.”

“You are not a weapon, you are my friend and vassal.” She blinked. “But I was thinking that you would make a very good secret guard. No one here knows your past or your skills. If they see a cute and cuddly kitty following me around, dressed all fancy-like, they’d never think you were armed and dangerous. And since you’re my vassal, I can probably take you places I couldn’t bring normal guards. Would you be okay with that?”

Taya teleported in front of me, forcing the whole procession to a stop. “Why can’t I do that?!”

“Everyone knows you killed Blueblood and got a cutie mark for doing it. The goal of this is to be stealthy, not wave it in front of everyone’s face. By all means, help protect me and everyone else, but it’s hard to be a secret weapon when everyone knows about you.” I finally walked around her and we continued on our merry way, though Taya was muttering up a storm.

“I would be happy to serve you that way,” Kat said, now that Taya’s outburst was dealt with. “I honestly thought you wouldn’t have too much use for me.”

“I hope I never need you. But in case you didn’t hear, I was almost murdered at a fancy party a few days ago. No one there had guards, but there were probably a few vassals here and there.”

One of the guards Watcher assigned me spoke up, saying, “It’s actually your legal right as a noble to have us wherever you want us, my lady. But it’s their legal right to deny you entry if you do have us.”

“It may be my right to have you, but that doesn’t mean I should exercise that right. Not that I don’t trust you guys to protect me, but I’d rather not give other people the impression that I think I need guards around them. It’s an insult. But if Kat doesn’t look like a guard, no one can be insulted.”

“That… does make sense.”

Of course it does, I said it. “There’s not too much of a hurry at the moment,” I said. “I’m not expecting there to be trouble any time soon. Right now, the only people that might want to hurt me are probably cowed. But you rarely expect to have trouble until it’s on you, so I’d like to be prepared. Whenever you get a chance, get someone to make you some fancy clothes. I’ll leave it up to you what you get. If you need more money, let me or Gourd know and we’ll get you sorted.”

“I’ll speak to Rarity when we all get back on the ship. I don’t know how she’s doing so much with the limited tools she has, but she’s managing.”

“Yeah, she’s a fucking trooper,” I said, running a hand across my dress. “That’s all I needed for now. Are you gonna be on the ship?”

“I’ll be sleeping there, but most of my time will probably be spent around the city with Spider. Canterlot is a fascinating place.”

“Yeah, it has its moments. Enjoy, don’t molest any pegasi, try not to get arrested.”

“Of course. If you need me for anything, just let me know.” She bowed for a moment before dipping off down a side hall. Which is funny, because I happened to know that side hall went pretty much nowhere. She’d likely be wandering around the palace for a few minutes before she could even find someone to ask for directions.

But I let her do her thing and continued on my way. When we got to my room, the guards took up their positions outside while Taya and I went to change. “So what are we doing for the rest of the day?” Taya asked.

“I am going to track Fleur down and spend some time with her. She just got divorced. I know it’s what she wanted, but it’s still a very big and very final step. I need to make sure she’s doing alright. Then I need to head to a bank and get an accountant, then I need to confront Celestia about her captain of the guard being an unholy undead abomination.”

“When did we start liking Fleur?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out. But she’s on my side now. Or I’m on her side, whatever. Point is, she’s not the vapid slutty noblewoman that I thought she was. She’s a surprisingly intelligent slutty noblewoman that uses all manner of cunning and conniving to maintain her personal status quo. Very charming, very nice, interesting to talk with. Anyway, we like her now, but I’m not really sure when I actually started liking her instead of just pretending to so she would leave me alone about it.”

Taya sat in silence for about a minute, just staring at me as I changed out of that super fancy dress. I didn’t really know what to do with it, so I just laid it across the bed to be dealt with later. Finally, she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t understand adults, mommy.”

“I don’t understand adults sometimes either, dear. What do you need help understanding in this particular instance?”

“Why did you have to pretend to like her to begin with? Why not just tell her to leave you alone once you two stopped fighting?”

“Two reasons. First, because Fleur is very powerful in her own ways and having her as an ally is more useful than having her just neutral. Second, Flo wanted to see me suffer so she made me spend more time with Fleur. In that time, I realized I actually didn’t completely hate her. Eventually, I actually started liking her. It’s amazing how different people can be when you actually give them a chance to be themselves.”

“...That sounded a lot like something Twilight would say.”

“Shit, you’re right. I’m spending too much time with you adorable miniature horses.” I finished putting on a much less proper set of clothes and stretched. As nice as that dress was, it felt good to be wearing pants and a regular shirt again. “Are you going to be fine here on your own, or are you heading back to the ship until I get back?”

She blinked. “I thought I was going with you.”

“Oh. Well, that’s probably for the best. The plan was to have some freaky-deaky lesbian horse sex with her, but I’m on my period and I really didn’t want to make her deal with that. Do you actually want to go?”

“I can deal with her if it means getting to spend time with you.”

“Cool. Then get undressed unless you want to go looking all fancy-like.” Her horn lit up and she teleported out of the dress. A second later, it crumpled to the floor. “And don’t just leave it there. Rarity finds very inventive ways to punish people who treat her work poorly.” She rolled her eyes, but used magic to drape her dress across mine on the bed. “Alright, you ready?”

“Yes. Are we going to bring the guards?”

“I’ll put it up to them. I’d prefer not to, but I’m sure they have their orders and if I’m not fucking Fleur, then privacy won’t matter as much. And, you know, after almost getting murdered, might be nice to have them around.”

“That’s why I’m going, silly!” she replied, beaming.

“Uh huh.” I rolled my eyes and walked to the door. She hastily followed. When we were back in the hall, I looked at the guards. “I’m going to go find Fleur. You guys can come if you want or you can take off.”

“We’re coming,” the squad leader said. “We all know what Watcher would do to us if anything happened and we weren’t there.”

“...What would he do?” I asked. I had a few guesses, but I wanted to hear what they thought.

“It would start with yelling, possibly move to castration, go to forced PT until we couldn’t move anymore, and probably end with throwing us overboard when we’re above the ocean. All the same, I’d much rather shadow you for a few hours, especially if somepony actually has it out for you.”

“Glad to know my safety is foremost on your mind,” I sarcastically replied.

“We live to serve,” he said with a very theatrical bow.

“Sure you do,” I muttered, brushing past him. I happened to have Fleur’s new address, but I had no idea if she was home or not. But I figured if she wasn’t, I could probably track her down from there fairly easily.

It ended up being a moot point, because I bumped into her at the main entrance. “Looks like I decided to come by just in time,” Fleur said with a big ol’ grin.

“Looks like it. I was just about to head by your pad. Hope you don’t mind company, but my highest ranking vassal is concerned about my safety.”

“He has every reason to be,” she said with a nod. “I don’t mind at all. And now that you’re finally a true, proper lady, it’s only fitting that you be accompanied by strong, tough stallions.”

One of my guards looked at her own rump. “I’m a mare, actually,” she said, turning to look back at Fleur.

“...Being accompanied by strong, tough mares is also suitable. Shall we away to my new home? I’d love to give you the tour.”

“Sure. The palace has its benefits, but I’m not a fan of all the bowing and scraping.”

“Oh? I heard you were quite the maid chaser…”

Ugh. “That was one time. And she was blackmailing me! All I did was finger her a little.”

“Well, it seems you left quite the impression. From what I understand, the princess had to make sure a mare with more feminine tastes was assigned to your room so your maid would not seek to… ahem, blackmail you again. Though it seems that backfired on her quite heavily after your affliction.”

Taya snorted. “You sure know a lot about maids.”

“It pays to know who is assigned to who in the palace, dear,” Fleur replied, her grin turning sly. “The servants in Celestia’s personal palace are notoriously difficult to bribe, but they do so enjoy gossiping. Why, I’ve heard some unscrupulous ponies could easily listen in on their conversations and hear all manner of interesting details about the most famous ponies in the world.”

“So you eavesdrop on maids to learn secrets?” Taya asked.

Fleur pretended to be shocked and offended. “I would never do such a thing! I am a proper lady, not some… some blackmailing maid!”

“But you just said—” I cut my daughter off with a hand on her head. She looked up at me in confusion.

“Forgive my daughter,” I said, patting Fleur’s neck. “She is used to me, not the indirectness of polite and proper conversation.”

“I see. There is a reason many nobles consider that a filly should be seen and not heard. Colts and fillies occasionally have difficulties keeping some things they have heard silent. It can take them some time to learn how to speak circumspectly, so to say.”

“Why would I wanna learn that?” Taya asked. “Shouldn’t I just say what I want to say?”

“Unfortunately, no,” I said. “Part of growing up is learning when to say what. There’s certainly some merit to speaking only the truth and only what you’re really thinking, but getting and keeping friends and allies can be difficult. A lot of the time, people will lie just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or just because they need that person to think or feel a certain way. And sometimes, speaking around issues is important, because some things don’t need to be said. Learning what those things are is also a part of growing up.”

Taya looked ahead and glumly replied, “Growing up sucks.” All three of my guards laughed.

When we got to Fleur’s pad, she gave us a tour of the place. This house wasn’t anywhere near as opulent as her old place, and it wasn’t decorated at all. I guess Fancy Pants kept all his shit or she hadn’t had time yet to fix it up. There weren’t too many boxes lying around, so I was going for the first one. I had a feeling Flo was already planning on what paintings to give her.

Once we all had the grand tour and she offered to feed us (I turned her down because she probably didn’t actually know how to cook), she very gently and politely asked to speak to me privately. I had been waiting for it the whole time, so I told everyone to cool it in her new living room while she led me elsewhere.

“I’m surprised you waited this long,” I said as soon as we were far enough away from the others.

“I’m surprised you brought them.”

“Well, I don’t get to spend nearly enough time with my daughter and the guards told me they’d come even if they had to secretly follow me, so I figured that was a moot point. I hate to saddle you with them, but you know how it is.”

“Indeed I do.” She pushed open a door to a room she hadn’t shown us in the tour, what I was expecting was her personal bedroom. When we got inside, I found that it was actually an office. “I’m afraid I don’t have a chair made for a biped yet, but that will change soon. Please, sit wherever you’d like.”

“This is not what I was expecting,” I said as I picked a couch to chill on.

“Well… I mentioned before how I wanted to… celebrate my divorce. And I’d certainly like to do so in a carnal manner of some sort, but not with your daughter and guards in the next room. I will not be fast and I will not be quiet. Should we ever be together in that way, I will make it a long and enjoyable experience for both of us.”

“Truth be told, now that you aren’t married anymore, I could definitely see us having some fun. But I’m currently on my period, so there would be blood and I didn’t figure you’d be too interested in that. I didn’t feel too bad bringing the others, because of that.”

“It would be… a very different experience. But I would handle it. Anyway.” She sat on the couch opposite of me and took a moment to settle in. “With everything finally moving so quickly, it feels like I haven’t had any time to just relax with a friend in some time.”

“Yeah, you’ve had a lot on your plate. Moving, getting divorced, convincing me to ruin my life even worse, the beauty pageant thing, and probably a bunch of other shit.”

“I’ve certainly been busy. And yet… I feel strangely fulfilled. I’m not used to it.”

“It’s called happiness, Fleur.” She very weakly flinched. “What?”

“I… I don’t deserve happiness. Not after everything I’ve done. Not until I’ve made up for so many mistakes…”

I sighed and walked over to her couch. She decided not to look at me, so I sat next to her and started rubbing her back. “Happiness isn’t something you earn, Fleur. It’s not something you ever ‘deserve’. It isn’t something to be held hostage and only felt when you’ve accomplished something huge. Happiness is something you make for yourself. It’s a sign that you’re doing something right. You like being busy, you like doing these new things, you like being who you are now. Being happy doesn’t make you a bad person. And you can be happy even if you have regrets. Something something learn from your past mistakes.”

“Did… did you just say ‘something something’?”

“The point is, you’re happy with your new life and you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Hell, it’s a good thing. Happiness is infectious, and the world always needs more of it. And don’t think it means you stop changing, either. Now that you finally know how to feel happy, it only gets better as you refine your interests deeper and deeper until you truly look forward to getting out of bed every morning.”

She sat in silence for several moments before sighing. “You… always seem to know what to say, Nav. Life seemed so dull before I met you. Even before we became friends, you posed an interesting challenge to me. I’m glad I found somepony so happy and good to help guide my path.”

“...I’m not either of those things. Though I’m slowly working on the happy part.”

She pounced forward, knocking me back onto the couch and straddling me. “If you don’t consider yourself good, I would be interested in seeing the being you do consider good.”

“I’m a pretty shitty person, all things told. Is there any reason you’re laying on me now?”

“You’re comfortable.” She pressed her nose against mine. “And because I think you’re cute when you’re off balance.”

“Uh huh. Well, it’s hard to rub your belly when you’re on top of me like this.”

“Oh?” She pushed herself up and then rolled over onto her back, so my stomach was pressed against her back. “It should be much easier now that I’m on top of you like this.”

“You silly ponies are so adorable,” I sighed, moving one of my hands to her tummy. “And you’re sluts for belly rubs, too.” She sighed in contentment. “You know, my hands can do all kinds of wondrous things. Would you be interested in discovering some more of them?”

“Yes,” she instantly breathed, brushing her tail over my legs.

(A good, hard fingering ahead. Ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip)

I didn’t do anything at first. My hand slowly continued caressing her belly, making her coo softly in contentment. Her legs were starting to twitch and her tail was beginning to hike up between my legs, knowing what was coming.

After about a minute of just rubbing her tummy and letting her relax, my other hand moved over and started rubbing lower. She gasped as my hand started tweaking her nipples, warmly rubbing her crotchtits. I’d much prefer to be playing with some nice sweater puppies, but horsey crotchtits weren’t all bad. They weren’t as perky, but you could still shove your dick between them.

...If you had one.

When she started moaning, the hand playing with her nipples moved lower still, while the other hand continued rubbing her stomach. As soon as I started tweaking her clit, her legs opened wider and her back arched, pressing her body more into me.

“Sh, now,” I quietly said. “You wouldn’t want them to think we’re doing something naughty, would you?” She softly whimpered and covered her mouth with both of her front hooves. “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” I whispered, moving my mouth closer to her ear.

Her entire body started shaking as I continued teasing her. And the effort to not make any noise was turning her entire face red, though I couldn’t really see much of it at my angle.

Since she was behaving, I slowly moved my fingers down lower, so I could play with her lips. A fun-fact that no one should ever read because this is a diary you fucking piece of shit is that a mare’s labia is very sensitive. While I was rubbing that between my fingers, she came for the first time. Her body writhed against mine in throes of pleasure as I continued teasing her lips.

When her orgasm finally subsided, I kissed the back of her neck and eased two fingers inside. She squeaked and her lower legs started bending. Then I pulled those fingers up, pressing them against her special spot, and she let a moan out.

I pulled the fingers back and said, “We can’t let them hear, remember? You gotta stay quiet for me, silly. Can you do that?” She hastily nodded, rubbing her hair against my face. I blew it away from my mouth and said, “Good girl. Just sit tight, now…”

Three fingers pressed into her this time, then pulled up to lovingly caress her most sensitive of areas. She was very weakly grunting every time I pulled them up and after a few seconds, I felt water dripping down from her face onto mine. Tears, I assumed.

“You’re so sweet, Fleur,” I said, continuing my two-pronged assault. “Such a nice, pretty mare. Don’t you think so?”

I roughly jerked my fingers up, making her cry out, “YES! OH CELESTIA, YES!” She came again, pushing more fluids out and riding my hand as well as she could. Her body bucking against mine might have given me some bruises, but she couldn’t even think about my well-being at the moment.

Finally, after about a minute of shaking, she finally calmed down and just panted heavily, leaving her entire body pressed against mine. “I’m glad you think you’re so sweet, Fleur. How about you get a taste, hm?” She rolled over and off of me, onto the floor. Her mouth opened invitingly and her tongue lolled out. I moved my fingers over and she greedily took them into her mouth and started suckling, giving me a beautifully sultry stare. I used my other hand to brush her hair back while she cleaned me off.

When she deemed the job done, she pulled away, letting her tongue trail out for a moment before finally sitting back, grinning. “Thank you for the taste, mommy,” she breathed, fluttering her eyebrows.

“Don’t… don’t call me that, please.”

That killed the mood for both of us, though I was honestly done anyway. She blinked a few times before nodding. “Noted.” Then she leaned in and kissed me. I returned it, since it would be hard to deny her after fingering her like that. When she pulled back, she sighed in relief. “I really needed that, Nav. Thank you. If you’d like me to return the favor, I would be happy to, blood or not.”

“I’m fine, Fleur,” I said, pulling myself off the couch. “Shall we head back to the others?”

“Yes, though my legs might be a little shaky.”

“Well, after that screaming, I doubt they have any illusions about what we were up to anyway. Let’s go on ahead and pay the piper, shall we?”

She smiled sweetly and nodded. “Happily.”

(“Sex is over”)

When we got back to the living room, all the guards were slyly smiling and Taya was just staring straight ahead. None of them looked at us when we entered. “Your new house is lovely, Fleur,” I said.

“Thank you, Nav. I hope in time, I can turn it into a proper home. It will be lonely and quiet at first, but I’ll find one or two servants to help liven it up. I’m sure I’ll also have friends over often. Finally being free feels so… amazing.”

“You say that now,” I said. “Freedom seems nice on the surface, but there are always hidden caveats.”

“Of course. But all the same, I firmly believe the benefits will heavily outweigh them. If I were totally on my own, I would be far more concerned. But I have friends aplenty and my ex-husband to assist me in any way they can. So for now, all I can do when I look ahead is smile.”

Must be nice. “I hope everything continues working out for you. After this, you certainly have your work cut out for you.”

“Indeed. Which reminds me, I believe I happen to have an appointment soon with the organizers of the Miss Equestria pageant.”

Either that’s bullshit or you weren’t actually expecting us to fuck today. “Then we’ll get out of your hair,” I said, standing. “I need to stop by the bank before it gets too late, anyway.”

“Before you go, I wanted to know when we were going to meet with Captain Midnight tonight.”

“As early as possible. My sleep schedule goes with the sun. I can be kept up with magic, but the last time I was kept up for too long, I almost got murdered by ghosts and other hallucinations.”

She blinked. “Um. That sounds… unpleasant.”

“Yeah, it sucked. I should be in the palace tonight, when you’re both ready. Probably in my room.”

“Very well. And I would like to hear that story about ghosts at some point.”

No you wouldn’t. “We’ll see. Until tonight, then.” She showed us out the door and we went on our way.

“You work fast, ma’am,” one of my guards said.

“Fingers are amazing little tools,” I said, booping him on the nose.

“I uh… you did wash them, right?” he asked, going cross-eyed to stare at his nose.

“She has a mouth, if that’s what you’re asking.” He shivered and rubbed his nose with a hoof. The other two guards laughed at him. “Don’t be such a baby.”

“Forgive me for caring about sanitation, ma’am.”

“Maybe this time.” Torturing bat ponies is fun. They’re super adorable and only look more cute when they get angry. Of course, it probably makes me even worse of a person, but I’m okay with that.

It took us a little while to get to the bank, since it was on the complete opposite side of the city. Honestly, I was surprised that no one tried bothering me for some kind of stupid bullshit. No reporters, no random citizens, no thugs. It was nice and made me consider having guards with me more often.

As soon as I walked up to the door, it jerked open and almost slammed right into my face. One of my guards grabbed a wing with his teeth and pulled me away fast enough to save my beauty. Before I could thank him, a very irate Silver Quill stalked out, fuming up a storm. She blinked when she saw me.

“Having issues?” I calmly asked, grabbing the door with my hand before it could close back on her.

“I… Did I just hit you with a door?”

“Almost.”

“My… my apologies, Lady Navarone. I’m… not in the best of moods.”

“I can see that. I figured you’d be celebrating your return to civilization.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I wish. It’s hard to celebrate when you have no money left. Everypony thought I was dead, so my bank account was closed. I’m not married and my parents are out of the picture, so the money just defaulted back to the bank. Apparently they burn old account records every six months and my home was cleaned out and sold, so there’s no record that I ever had an account with them. I have nowhere to live. I have no money aside from the back pay the princess gave me herself, and that wouldn’t last me a month here, even if I already had a place to live. I’m very happy to be alive and free, but this homecoming… wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet.” Gears started turning in my head and I looked back at her cutie mark for a moment. “Say, what exactly did you do for that trader, anyway? Like, what were your tasks?”

“I did fairly standard secretary work. I handled all of his trading books, wrote out letters to contacts he had, arranged a few minor money transfers, and a few other things. I don’t suppose you’d happen to know anypony looking for a secretary, would you?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Let’s get out of the door, shall we?” The front of the bank was super fancy, with marble pillars and unicorn guards and crystal windows. It also had a few park-like areas with benches. I walked over to one and sat. My group all followed and Taya hopped up next to me.

“So you think you could get me a job really quickly?” she asked.

“I think I can get you a job immediately,” I said. “You might have heard that I became a noble today.”

“I didn’t hear that, actually. Congratulations, my lady!”

“Thank you. Of course, being a noble comes with having vassals, guards, and other employees, all of whom need to be paid. I’m lazy and bad at math and my other vassals have more important things to do than keeping my books straight, my bills paid, and watching my income. If you want the job, it’s yours.”

“That sounds… almost too good to be true!”

Tch, nerd. “If you take the job, I’ll put you in a room on my ship until you get everything straight and organized, and then let you return to Canterlot or let you stay in my house near Ponyville. Or you can stay on the boat, if you want, though it’ll be hard to keep in contact with the bank while you’re with us.”

“So I… I get a place to stay? Do I have to pay rent?”

“Um… No? You don’t have to pay for food, either, but you’re stuck eating whatever they’re serving at mealtimes.”

One of my guards shivered and muttered, “Always serving stewed carrots…” The female guard slapped him with her wing.

“And you’ll pay me.”

“That typically comes with jobs, yes. I mean, did I not explain it right?”

She flinched back a little. “I’m sorry, I… I’m not used to good things happening to me! Even before… what happened, I was always super unlucky. This… this is unbelievable!”

Why the hell would you agree to go to Africa if you know you’re unlucky? “If you don’t want it, I’m sure I can—”

“I do! I really, really do! When can I start? When can I move in? Is there a dress code? What are my hours? Oh, and how much do I get paid?”

“Now, as soon as we get done at the bank, no, work whenever as long as you get the job done, and I’m not sure yet. The pony economy is so weird that I honestly don’t know how much a normal salary is. You’d be on the same pay schedule as the guards, which I believe Watcher and Gourd set up as bi-weekly. Though you’d be put in charge of that, so you could move it to weekly if you want. Was the pay you got on the merchant ship enough?”

“More than enough, honestly. I’d be happy with—”

“Then that’s what you’ll get, for now. Let’s go talk to the bank people and get the paperwork you’ll need to manage my money.”

“Um. Not that I’m not super happy and very excited, but don’t you think that’s a lot of trust to put in somepony you really don’t know?”

“Taya, do you know Deceit’s End?” She nodded. “The sky is purple.” Her horn lit up. I looked back to Silver Quill. “Do you plan to abuse your new position?”

“No!”

We both looked at Taya’s horn. It didn’t light up. We looked back at each other. “Welcome aboard. Let’s go get that paperwork.” Her smile split her face and she practically pranced at my side as we went into the bank.

Once we got all that shit sorted, I sent a guard with her to help get any supplies she’d need and to make sure she didn’t get thrown off the ship. That left my group shorthanded, but I was going back to my room anyway.

Brook and Flo were there waiting for me. When Taya and I walked in, they were both merged. Once they realized we were there, they split apart. “We have come to a consensus,” Brook said.

“Good. About what?”

“The fire elementals. We will assist you in saving them. Our first stop is the island that you know as Hawaii.”

“Um. What do you know it as?”

“Hawaii. Mist and Naiad had no reason to go to it recently and the ponies have not discovered it, so we have no knowledge of what it is like now. But we do know that the first fire elemental is there.”

“What makes this one the first one?” I asked. “There are two we could get first, aren’t there?”

“Mist knows this one,” Flo said. “We believe getting him on our side will be slightly easier because of that. We’d much rather start there, because of it.”

“Fair enough. Do we know anything about where the second one is?”

“Yes. Getting to him will likely be very easy. Getting his support might be… less so. We’re of the opinion that getting the one in Hawaii on our side will be easier and that we should start there.”

“And you don’t think that should be my choice?” I asked. Honestly, their idea was the correct one, but I really didn’t want them to try superseding my authority.

“Nav—” Flo started, but she got cut off by Brook.

“The other one is in Iceland, the land of dragons,” she said. “If you choose to get him first, we will support you. But it is our opinion that starting at Hawaii is wiser.”

“In this case, you’re definitely correct. The main reason I was asking is so I could have people start finding information about our next destination, in case it was somewhere we didn’t know much about. Once we pick up the first fire, we’ll find Reginald and see if he can escort us. That’ll get us an easy ticket in.”

“That is a good idea,” Brook said with a nod. “Dragons were always very territorial and secretive. You could probably get your ship in with your own reputation, but having him with us would make things much easier.”

“Hm. Not really much we can do to prepare for the unknown… Let Gourd know where we’re going when you return to the ship. He’s looking to make some extra dosh while we’re traveling anyway. He can start planning on goods to pick up.”

“Of course,” Brook said with a nod. “And Aqua mentioned that Twilight was hoping to speak with you. Are you planning on being here for some time?”

“I have no other plans until night falls, so I do plan on being here. You can send her my way if you can find her.”

“I believe Aqua can let her know,” Brook said. “I’ll return to the ship now and then I shall explore the city. Canterlot and its mountain are very interesting, to one who has spent so much time in a jungle.”

“Have fun. Just be careful around the mage’s tower. They mistook me for a test subject once. They might do the same for you.”

“I will be discreet, of course. I’ll speak to you later, Nav.” She lost her shape and slid out the window and then up the side of the palace.

“Well, I always did want to go to Hawaii,” I said, falling onto the bed. “Didn’t expect to go like this, though.”

“What’s Hawaii?” Taya asked, joining me on the bed.

“A small island chain in the Pacific, the ocean where we found Mist and Naiad,” I said. “Though it might not be so small anymore. I imagine after this much time, volcanic activity will have made it a lot bigger. Honestly, I kinda wonder how a fire elemental even got there.”

“Not willingly,” Flo said, joining both of us and engulfing us in her expansive body. “Mist said she knew him. What she did not tell Brook is that she was his warden. Naiad told me Mist kept him there as a prisoner, though I do not know why.”

“...And this isn’t something she thought should be shared with the group?” I asked. “I mean, all of us are going into this together. Going there blind seems pretty fucking dumb, don’t you think? Especially if we don’t know that our only contact with this guy was his actual fucking prison warden.”

“I am aware. But I believe he is still our best option, all things told. And Naiad also agrees.”

“I ain’t getting caught flat-footed on this, Flo. I’ll speak to Mist myself when we’re on the way and get the full story.”

“Very well. I do agree that we should all be on the same page when we get there. Knowing what we’re getting into is important.”

“Good. Do you want to be there when Blossom comes out tonight?”

“I do not think I will be needed, but I will be there until the situation is resolved. Your assumption about me wanting to assist Fleur in decorating was correct. I am planning on painting several things and hiding very lewd and sexual things in each one.”

“I absolutely love what I turned you into, Flo.” She sighed and turned a delightful shade of pink just in time for me to disappear.

I blinked and quickly realized that I was on the bed in Twilight’s room at the palace. Somewhat surprisingly, she was standing next to me instead of on the bed with me. “I hope you don’t mind the sudden entry, but I don’t think either of us have much time to spare while we’re here,” she said.

“I mean, it’s kinda weird, but whatever. Flo will tell Taya where I am, I’m sure.”

“That was the plan. First off, congratulations on joining the nobility, Nav. Even though I’m sure you’re not too enthusiastic about it, it’ll open a lot of doors you never even realized were closed to you.”

“I keep hearing that, but I haven’t seen any proof of it yet,” I replied, finally sitting up.

“You might notice it more in time. Second, can you make time to take me to your publisher some time before we leave? I’ve written enough to publish the first book in our series.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. I wasn’t actually expecting you to ever publish those.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Is that a problem?”

“No, I trust that you kept my identity hidden. I just really wasn’t expecting you to put this out there. But yeah, I can take you to my main publisher tomorrow, probably. Only one person got anywhere near discovering my identity, and the farthest they got was figuring out who the publisher was.”

“Perfect. I’ve already edited it as well as I could, so it should be ready to go soon after they get it. I don’t need the money, but it’ll still be nice to have.”

“You wanna talk about opening doors, money does that a lot more than titles.”

“Sometimes. The last thing I wanted to talk about was your past.”

“My past is a pretty broad topic, Twilight,” I slowly said. “Most of my time was spent in the past, you know.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever Jane would have wanted me to know. I believe that’s how you put it.”

My breath caught when she said that name. I almost did something I would have regretted before several flashes of memory came back to me and I realized how she knew it.

“This… is going to be more than one talk, Twilight,” I sighed, lying back down on the bed.

“I can make all the time in the world for my friends,” she said, plopping her ass on the floor. “I want to get to know you, Nav. The real you. The you that you’ve hidden from us all for so long. I’m willing to let it take as long as it needs to.”

“You’re lucky that you’re the second most adorable of your friends,” I said. “I would never have this talk with the third most and lower.”

“...Who do you consider the most adorable?”

“Rainbow Dash. Anyway, my real name is—”

“Wait, you consider Rainbow Dash more adorable than Fluttershy?”

“Yes.”

“...And Pinkie?”

“Dude, Pinkie’s fucking horrifying.”

“Fair point. Anyway, please continue.”

And so we talked for a few hours. It was a very interesting experience, one I honestly never thought I could let myself have with a pony. But of all the ponies I had met, I believed that I trusted Twilight the most, aside from Taya.

It felt very good to get some of that shit off my chest. For some reason, just the act of telling someone what I had been through made a lot of the pain leave me. It had the unfortunate side effect of letting Aqua also know everything, but I’d deal with that problem if it ever presented itself. With Flo free, I doubted she would be an issue.

When my confession was done, Twilight teleported me back to my room. Flo and Taya had buggered off at some point. It was almost night, so I figured there was no real reason to hunt them down when I’d just have to abandon Taya again to deal with Celestia and Blossom.

So I took a shower and touched myself inappropriately to calm my nerves and alleviate some of the godawful bleeding that comes from being on your period. And also to have an orgasm, of course.

When I extricated myself from the bathroom, Flo was in my room. She immediately surged toward me and used herself to whisk away all the water from the shower. “It’s just about time,” she said.

“Sure is. You mind being stealthy tonight, unless you’re needed? I don’t want Celestia to think she’s being ganged up on too hard.”

“I have no problem with that. Things should go well, regardless. Celestia trusts you at this point. I’m of the opinion that she also trusts your judgment.”

“I hope so. I’d really like Blossom as my vassal, but I’d hate to have to clean her up if Celestia dusts her.” Especially since I’d probably also get punished for siding with an undead abomination.

Before Flo could continue reassuring me, someone knocked on the door. She instantly abandoned my naked body and opened it, because making me suffer is one of her only joys in this world. A large bug pony was standing on the other side. “Hello, water elemental,” Moonbeam said. “I have come to speak with Navarone.”

Flo moved aside, letting Chrysalis enter. She walked in and closed the door behind her with magic. When her eyes beheld my naked form, she blinked.

“Is there something you need help with?” I asked, crossing my arms. I remembered far too late that doing that just made my breasticles even more prominent.

“No. I came to apologize for my actions last night,” she said. “Offering myself to you as your daughter was… more than inappropriate. After Celestia told me that you had a few problems with ponies assuming things in the past, I realized I struck far more of a nerve than I meant to.”

“Oh.” I had actually already forgotten about that. “Apology accepted, Moonbeam. And it wasn’t just random ponies that had the wrong assumptions. Taya also had them. Growing up adopted gave her a disturbing Elektra complex.”

“I… I don’t know what that is.”

“Taya wanted to fuck me.” Her ears shot straight down. “Let me tell you, her first heat? Super awkward. Because of that and because of my reputation as a womanizer, I’m very sensitive to people implying I have an inappropriate relationship with her.”

She actually blushed. “Oh. That explains why she… Oh.”

“That explains what?” Flo asked.

“Well… As a changeling, I can sense and smell emotional states that most would be otherwise unaware of. Every time I’ve seen Taya since she got her cutie mark, she’s been shrouded in lust. Whenever she was with you, it was more intense. I may have… made some assumptions based on that.”

“...Every time?” I slowly asked.

“Yes. Even after you turned female.”

I sighed and slowly ran a hand down my face. “Alright, I thought I had dealt with this. You’re a mother and old and wise and all that. Do you think if she had a chance to get it out of her system, she’d be over it?”

“Do you… Are you thinking about actually…?”

“No, Jesus! That’s disgusting! But you’re extremely good at roleplay. You think you could… you know?”

Her eyes left mine and started jerking around the room. “I… find it very hard to believe you’re actually asking me this, Nav.”

“Yeah, well, I find it very hard to believe that my daughter wants to bump uglies with me, even after all this time and all that I’ve done to try to squanch her desires.”

“I will consider it. If I do it, I will never talk about the experience. I won’t even tell you if I ever did. The fact that I even need to… Hmph. I will consider it, Navarone. Goodnight.”

“‘Night, Moonie.” She nodded before teleporting out. “I don’t wanna talk about it, Flo.”

Instead of replying, she floated over to my clothing drawers and pulled out an outfit for me. It was a very simple yellow sundress. “Wear this tonight,” she said, holding it up for me.

I took it and slid it on. I had no idea why she wanted me to wear that, but I’m sure she had her reasons. “Flo, am I a quitter for giving up on keeping my male image?”

“No. It just means that you’ve come to accept reality, even if it’s not a reality that you like.”

“Okay, just checking. So where’s Taya?”

“On the ship. I told her that you didn’t need to worry about her tonight while you were talking to Celestia and that if all went well, you probably wouldn’t be returning to your room tonight.”

“Cool.” I sat on the bed and we just chilled until another knock came at my door. Before Flo could even move, I said, “Don’t you dare.” She made it halfway there before I could finish saying that. When I did, she paused, looked at me, looked back at the door, and then looked at me again. “You may open the door.” She finished surging that way and opened it, revealing Fleur and Blossom. “Hello. Come on in.”

They entered. Fleur took a second to look around and then asked, “We aren’t interrupting anything, are we? Your guards said Queen Chrysalis was in here…”

“She teleported out.” I hopped up. “So, you ready?” I asked, looking at Blossom.

“Yes, my lady.”

“Don’t call me that.”

She shrugged. “Just practicing, in case things go awry. So how are we going to go about this?”

“I’ll go in first, ask her to put my ring on, then call you guys in when she does. You’ll tell her, Fleur will assure her she’s not worried about you, I’ll step in if shit starts getting out of hand. Worse comes to worse, you run and I try to distract her. If she just kicks you out of the guard, I’ll make you a vassal on the spot. Best case scenario, you two leave and I fuck her for a while.” Blossom flinched. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just… The thought of the princess doing anything like that… It feels weird.”

“Dude, she’s into all kinds of kinky shit. Anyway, not the point. Flo, can you carry my seal? Dresses don’t usually have pockets.” She moved over to where I left it and grabbed it. “Alright, let’s fucking do this.”

I led the way out of the room. Flo was the last one out and pulled it shut behind her. All three of my guards stood at attention when we stepped out. “We’re right behind you, ma’am,” the squad leader said.

“Not tonight you aren’t,” I said. “I’m not leaving the palace, so you don’t need to worry. If I’m not back in an hour, you all have the night off.”

“Where will you be, if Watcher asks?” he asked.

“Celestia’s bed.”

“Oh.” He blinked. “Oh! Uh, yes ma’am. Have a nice night.”

“I plan on it.” His entire face lit up bright red before I continued walking, Fleur, Blossom and Flo all behind me. When we were away from them, I asked, “Where would Celestia be at this hour?”

“Sun room,” Blossom said. “She’ll be finishing up lowering the sun and then she’ll head to her personal dining room.”

“Hell, the sun’s already down. She’s probably there now. And if not, she will be soon. Let’s head that way.” So off we went. Strangely enough, Fleur didn’t say a single word the entire trip. Probably nerves, if I had to guess. Once we got to the dining room, we found two day guards outside it. “Is the princess eating?” I asked.

“Yes, my lady,” one said. “She was expecting you and a few others. You are free to enter.”

“Excellent, thank you.” I looked over at Flo. “Tell them when it’s time.” She nodded and I entered the belly of the beast. Celestia was sitting at the table, sipping at some tea. The food hadn’t arrived yet, but all the places were set. “‘Sup, honeybuns?”

She eased the teacup down. “That was not the correct dress.”

“I ain’t the one who made it. Blame Rarity, not me.”

“Hm. Right or wrong, it was still beautiful. As were you, my lovely lady.”

“Go fuck yourself. Anyway, you ready for that talk?”

“I am. Though you appear to be alone. I thought others were going to join us.”

“They’re on the way. Put this on.” I held up the ring for her.

She did so without question, surprisingly. I took the seat closer to her, facing the door. As soon as I did, Blossom and Fleur entered. “Hello, Captain, Fleur,” Celestia said with a nod. “Navarone said we need to have a talk. What is troubling you?”

Blossom stopped in front of the table and stood at attention. Fleur stood at her side, using Blossom as a shield from Celestia. “A few years ago, I led a force of guards tasked with investigating a few missing ponies from Ponyvania,” Blossom said. “Did you hear about that?”

“I did not,” Celestia said. “You were under my sister’s command at the time. Your orders came from her desk, not mine.”

“My guards and I quickly discovered where the ponies were. They had been taken by an eternal, one that managed to stay hidden for years and was finally stretching his hooves and taking more power. In the ensuing struggle, most of my guards perished, claimed by his dark magic and unholy skills. I was… I was taken captive, to my shame. And while I was enthralled, he made me a vampony.” Celestia’s lips very slightly tightened. “As soon as I killed him and returned to Canterlot, I informed Princess Luna. She allowed me to keep my place as the captain of her night guards. I could not in good conscience stay your guard captain without letting you know, but until just recently, I was too afraid to tell you.”

Silence filled the room. All eyes were on Celestia, to see how she would react. After about half a minute of silence, she used a wing to grab the teacup and lifted it to her lips. She daintily took a few sips and then set the cup down. Fleur opened her mouth, but Celestia cut her off with, “How much of what happens in my kingdom do you think I am not aware of, Captain?” Blossom blinked. “You may return to your duties.”

Blossom stood there for about ten seconds, shock written across her face. Finally, she got over it and bowed. “Yes, Princess Celestia.” She very hastily left, leaving Fleur and I there alone.

Celestia turned her gaze on Fleur. “Is there something you needed, Lady Fleur de Lis?”

Fleur flinched and rapidly shook her head, then practically jumped for the door. When she was out, Celestia lifted a hoof to her horn and pulled the ring off and set it on the table.

“You had no fucking idea Blossom was a vampire,” I said with a smirk.

“I am holding you accountable for her, Navarone,” she quietly said. “And that is the end of it.” Celestia’s horn lit up and the dinner bell rang, signalling her servants to begin bringing in food.

That was a very interesting night.

The next day was a lot more calm. I took Twilight to my publisher and helped her stamp out a good contract, I dropped off all the books Kat stole with my super secret publisher, and then I did practically nothing for the rest of the day. It was nice, after having been busy for so long.

The day after that, I had to answer a ton of questions for Silver Quill to help her get a handle on all my sources of income. The bank gave her the numbers, but she needed more than numbers for her personal records. So I filled in a lot of details, which took a while.

The last day was a day of rest and relaxation, not that I particularly needed more. But after having gone through so much, being able to just spend time with friends and Taya was nice.

Finally, the time came for my ship to leave Canterlot once again. Despite my general distaste for the place, the time off to relax and get over the horrors of my journey was nice. I wish I could have given my soldiers more time, but we had no clue what kind of time scale we were on. Relaxing is important, but saving your entire species from getting wiped out by a genocidal monster seemed like a higher priority to me.

Once everyone we had in Canterlot was accounted for, we moved to Ponyville and picked up Twilight’s friends and finally set off on our next adventure.

For the first time in a long time, I felt nothing but optimism for the coming trip. It felt… right.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Seven—Administrating Sucks

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Seven—Administrating Sucks

We left Canterlot around noon, which gave me plenty of time to do some things I had planned on the first day. There were a few things on my agenda of various importances. The most important one was a discussion with Mist, so I made sure that came first by getting Flo to tell her to meet me in my room.

I kinda expected her to slide through the window, but instead, Mist slid up to my room and knocked on the open door. “Come on in,” I said. At the moment, I was in there alone. The way I figured, if Mist had kept it a secret until now, she might continue to want to do so.

“Flo said you needed to speak with me,” she said, entering my room. “Is there some way I can assist you?”

“Maybe. Close the door, if you don’t mind.” She did so without a word, though she turned a slightly darker blue. “Flo tells me that you happen to know the fire elemental we are on the way to pick up.”

She turned slightly yellow. “Oh. So it seems that Naiad cannot keep her silence. Well, it is no matter and will be public knowledge as soon as we save him. Yes, I do know this fire elemental. His name is Blaze.”

“Hm. And I was told you happened to be his warden. I’m not entirely certain he’ll be happy to see you, in that case. Are you sure it’s wise to get him first, if he might be angry when he sees you?”

She blinked in surprise and turned several colors very quickly before settling on a very light pink. “Naiad must have misunderstood me. I was not keeping him prisoner, I was keeping him protected. We were secret lovers and I didn’t want any of my sisters to… With the war, I was concerned for his safety. I was afraid to share that information for so long, but now… Well, I suppose it no longer matters, these days.”

“Um. How is that even… You know what, never mind. So were you planning on telling anyone this or were we just going to have to figure it out last second?”

She blushed and turned a few shades closer to red. “I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business. If I had a hostile relationship with him, I would warn you. But as it is, our love will shine through and he’ll join us as soon as he sees me again.”

It’s fucking shit like this that gets people killed, oh my god. “In the future, if you happen to have any information about a potentially dangerous situation we’re going into otherwise blind, please share it with the rest of us,” I said. “Just because you don’t think it’s important doesn’t mean it might not pan out to be that way.”

She turned a lot more red. “I see no way this could become a dangerous situation. I will soon be returning to my lover’s arms. It will be a painful reunion, but one well worth having. It will be glorious and sweet and romantic, not any kind of dangerous!”

Are you actually retarded or are you just pretending? “Alright, whatever. Do you mind telling the rest of your sisters the truth? And uh… Aerie? She might be a little jealous.”

“I will happily tell them, not that it’s their business. And that airheaded hussy can be jealous all she wants. Blaze is mine and he will always be mine.”

Alrighty then. “Thank you, Mist. That’s all I needed.”

Her color turned back to its standard blue. “Very well then, Navarone. Forgive my… passion. It has been some time since we have seen each other and I will be happy to see him again.”

“Well with luck, you should be reunited within three weeks.” She turned very pink. “It’ll be interesting to see you together.”

She sighed wistfully and turned to the door. “Never let anyone tell you that love doesn’t hurt,” she said as she oozed out.

When she was gone, I slowly let out a breath. Okay, so, thoughts?

“No.”

No what? Like, she’s not in love?

“No, I have no thoughts.”

That also works. Before I could hop up to move on to my next task, the most bipedal of my vassals entered, carrying what looked like a brand new and very different crossbow. “That looks interesting,” I said.

Kat held it out for me to take. “This is what I commissioned from the metal workers,” she said as I took it. I stood and held it up to my shoulder to get a feel for it. “It’s much smaller and lighter than Spike’s. I had Sunshine Smiles draw it up for me based on the design from the other one and then had metalcrafters with more and better tools build it for me.”

“It’s also curvier.” The thing was just a tiny bit too small for my arms and it didn’t fit very comfortably against my body. “It doesn’t feel right, to me. How do you like it?” I asked as I handed it back.

“It fits me much better than the other one,” she said. “That was large. Bulky. Far too heavy. This is much more… elegant.” She held it up, aiming it at the window.

I slowly walked around her, looking at how it molded against her body. “A smaller, curvier build for a smaller, curvier person,” I said when I was behind her. From the looks of things, she wasn’t even aiming down the sights. “You’re holding it very strangely. Can you actually shoot like that?”

“This is how I held yours and I did well with it.”

“Do you mind if I do something weird?”

“I do not.”

I stepped in closer, so I was pressing into her from behind. My body didn’t fit too well against hers, but it was well enough that I could wrap my hands around her paws on the crossbow and slowly move it to where I would hold it if I was her. “How does this feel?” I asked.

“I… You feel very nice against me,” she purred, her tail wrapping around one of my legs.

“Um. I meant the crossbow. This is how I aim. That’s what the sights up front are for.”

“O-oh. Uh… I thought those were for decoration…” She went silent for a moment. “Why do I need to aim?”

I finally stepped away from her. She lowered the crossbow and turned back to me. “Really? How else are you going to hit anything?”

She shrugged. “I can just tell. I see where the bolt is pointing and just know where it’ll go.”

“Huh. A true predator’s instincts, I guess. How well does this thing shoot?”

“Very. I took several of Spike’s bolts and tested it before paying the other half. It’s yet to draw blood, but I have no problems hitting targets.”

“With luck, it’ll never have to draw blood. But we’re not allowed to have nice things, so I have a feeling you’ll be very happy you invested in it soon. Next time we’re at a friendly port, I wouldn’t mind firing it.”

“Why wait? We can clear the deck and shoot it now. It’s a beautiful day out, too.”

“Nah, I don’t like shooting on the ship. If we were over an ocean, maybe. Here, you never know if you might have a train or a pegasus or some kids just wandering through woods on the other side of that bolt.”

“Oh. Yeah, that does make sense. I’m sure you’ve probably noticed, but cats aren’t good at thinking about the bigger picture. We find something we want to do and we just do it.”

My wings twitched and she flinched. “I’m aware. That is something you will need to learn to curb. I’m happy to have you on my side, but it can be difficult to make use of you when I know how much of a wildcard you can be.”

“I am learning to hold back, but it is a… process.” She sighed and walked over to look out the window. “Fighting one’s own nature is difficult.”

Don’t I fucking know it. “Bettering yourself is always worth it. Of course, you have to decide for yourself if you actually are bettering yourself and not just changing yourself to better fit what I want.”

“What is better for me is what you want,” she said. “You are my lady, my liege, my mistress.” She finally looked back at me. “Your needs and wants supercede mine. Watcher and Gourd would say the same.”

“Hell no they don’t. You are your own person, Kat. What you want for yourself is what matters, not what’s most convenient for me.”

She shook her head and said, “You are our noble now, Nav. What I want for me is what’s most convenient for you. You do not yet understand what it means to be a noble. Your vassals live to serve you. That is the reason we wake up in the morning. We signed our lives completely and totally to you. What I want no longer exists. What Gourd and Watcher want no longer exists. You are now our lives. That is what it means to be a vassal. That is the responsibility you agreed to when you swore us in.”

“That’s bullshit and—”

“I wanted this!” That stopped me in my tracks. “So did Watcher. So did Gourd. The three of us spoke before we all came to your room that day. Watcher outlined exactly what we would be agreeing to. I told you once that if you ever created your own nation, I would come and serve you. I meant it. I will serve you in whatever capacity you will have me and I will become whatever you need me to be. I want to serve you. I want to be yours. None of us took that oath lightly. And none of us plan on rescinding it when this journey is done.”

We shared a fairly lengthy and uncomfortable silence. The certainty and earnesty in her gaze honestly shocked me. It’s hard for me to imagine ever being that loyal to someone. That probably says a lot about my character, not that it mattered at the moment.

I finally asked, “Why?”

“Their reasons are their own,” she said with a shrug. “They didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask. I have a few reasons. The only choices I have ever made in life were destructive. Every time I was allowed to choose my own way, I chose wrong. Every time, I chose destruction. That led me down a dark path, a path that I learned to revel in, despite myself. Now, I want to give to the world. I want to know what it feels to create, not destroy. But even after I became free, all I knew was violence. So I decided that if I couldn’t create, I would follow someone who could, someone who could use my destructive abilities to help others. Someone who could make the right decisions for me.”

“...And you settled on me for that?”

She nodded. “There were no doubts in my mind. Out of everyone in the world I have met, out of all the leaders and the commoners and the villains and the heroes, I feel that you have the most potential. I will follow you in creation. I will follow you in destruction. I will follow you and I will be what you want and what you need.” She stepped forward and placed a paw against my heart. “I will follow this wherever it takes me with no regrets and no reservations.”

“Oh.”

We stood in silence for several more long seconds before she pulled her paw away, blushing. “I’ll… see you later…”

She tried moving past me, but I grabbed the same paw she had against my heart. That stopped her, but she still didn’t look at me. “Thank you, Kat. Your trust means a lot to me. I’m just not… For a very long time, I never got praise. Now that I do, I’m having a hard time handling it.”

The silence came back, but it didn’t last nearly as long. When I released her paw, she turned back and hugged me. That shocked me, and I didn’t have time to hug her back before she left.

Despite still having a few things I needed to do, I couldn’t help but sit in my room for about fifteen or so minutes, thinking about what just happened. It was unexpected, to say the least.

“Is this really what it means to be a noble?” I finally asked aloud.

“What has changed?” Flo asked. “They were already following you. Kat was already becoming what you wanted. How is this different? Making it official with laws and oaths means nothing, not when the result is the same. Do you think any of them took that oath lightly, Nav? You are worthy of it. And the longer you spend in charge of them, the more worthy you will become and the more they will mold to fit what you need. They do it willingly and happily. That is their choice. Trying to fight it means undermining the last choice they made, the choice they made to trust wholly and totally in you.”

I let that sink in for a few moments before slowly sighing. “My life has taken so many turns. How much of who I was is left, Flo? How much of me is something my parents would recognize? How much… Would my own twin sister even know me now? Would she see me as her brother, her blood? Or would I just be a stranger to her?”

“You have left your old life behind, Nav. There is no shame in it. When you first got to Equestria, you helped Luna run a haunted house. Do you remember the mirror room?” I did. Forgetting it would be difficult. “Despite Luna’s insanity, the script she gave you was accurate. You will always be you. Revel in what you are. Don’t think about what you were, don’t think about what you’ll be. Don’t think about what others will see you as. Be someone you can be happy with. By the time you become it, the skin will fit you so well that you won’t even notice the changes. And if it means leaving others behind, either willingly or not, so be it. Life moves ever forward, Nav. Never backward. They might recognize you. They might not. You can’t let your old memories stop you from moving forward, because you will never be able to go back to them. Remember, but do not let who you were shape your path.”

I slowly breathed in. I slowly breathed out.

I stood and walked out. Nothing else I had planned was urgent, so I slowly ambled to the deck, then wandered to the far front of the ship. No one bothered me, though a few of my guards nodded as I passed. I paid them no mind and found myself standing at the tip of the ship, my ship, and just staring ahead.

Some amount of time later, I was forced out of my thoughts by arms wrapping around my stomach and picking me up. My wings and back were pressed against something fairly hard and warm. Flo calmed me before I could begin struggling and my assailant giggled. “I didn’t think you’d be that light, Nav,” Spike said.

“Some of us aren’t made of scales and muscles. You can put me down now.”

Instead of putting me down, he sighed and looked over my shoulder. “I love this view. Standing up here at the front of the ship… It makes me feel like the king of the world, you know?”

“Yeah, it really makes you feel like you’re flying,” I sarcastically replied. “Are you planning on putting me down?”

“I dunno. I’d say you really missed me, if you’re even changing your wing to remind you of me.”

“Spike, put me down.” He laughed again and finally put me down. I turned to face him and found that he was smiling widely, of course. “I’m surprised I didn’t see you in Canterlot.”

“I woulda been there for your ceremony, but no one told me there was going to be one! I stayed in Ponyville to see some of my friends there. I didn’t know you were a noble until the ship came and picked us all up!”

“Well, whatever. I’m a noble now.”

“And congratulations on it, Nav! You really earned it. I just know you’re gonna do so much good now that you have all this extra power. I can’t wait to watch and help!”

“Which is something I need to speak to you and a few others about. You mind finding a few people and getting them to meet me?”

“Of course! Who do you need?”

“Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Gilda, the naga, and you. Tell them to meet me in the planning room in ten minutes. If you can’t find them, I’ll deal with them later.”

“Alright! What are we gonna talk about?”

“Getting paid. I’ll explain in detail when you’re all together, so I don’t have to repeat myself.”

“Okay, I’ll go look for them,” he said with a nod. With that, he turned and started walking back to the ship’s innards. Once he got inside, I stretched and then went directly to the planning room.

Gourd and Silver Quill were sitting in there, using the large table to go over a list of goods and expenses. They both looked up when I entered, of course. “Hey Nav,” Gourd said with a nod. “You need anything?”

“Nah. I’m just doing a small meeting. It shouldn’t take long and it should be quiet. It might also involve Silver, so it’s a good thing you guys are here anyway.”

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, her eyes going wide.

“Not as far as I know,” I said with a shrug. “But you’re my accountant and I’m going to be talking about paying them, so you might have some input. And they might end up coming to you when we’re done talking, so there’s that.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll be here!” I nodded and they both went back to working. I walked over to the large table and leaned against it, so I was facing the door.

About eight minutes later, all of the people I named except the naga were present. He was nowhere to be found, which needed looking into later. Dash was bouncing from hoof to hoof. Gilda was leaning against Spike. Applejack just looked bored.

I crossed my arms and started talking. “A few days ago, I became a noble. When I did, I told Watcher and Gourd to make sure each of you got paid for your services as guards aboard the ship. Did that happen?” They all made noises of agreement. “Good. Applejack, Dash, I know neither of you particularly want to be on this ship, but—”

“I love it here!” Dash quickly said. “Adventuring is awesome!” Applejack rolled her eyes.

“...Applejack, I know you don’t particularly want to be on this ship. And Dash, I know you’re forced to be here even if you like it. You’re both pulling your weight, and I’m happy to keep paying because of it, as long as you’re both willing to keep working. You’ll get the same rates as the guards under Watcher’s command. With that pay will come more trust, of course. You two will be my employees for the duration of the trip, or until you decide you no longer wish to be. Are you interested?”

Dash’s hooves all clicked together and then she lifted one of her front hooves in a salute. “I’m your mare, Nav!”

Applejack didn’t bother with the theatrics and just nodded. “Money’s not bad. I don’t need it, but my family does. I ain’t gonna be salutin’ you, but I’ll keep workin’.”

“I don’t particularly care about getting saluted, but Watcher might.” I looked over my shoulder at my accountant. “Silver, can you add Rainbow Dash and Applejack to the payroll?”

She blinked her way out of her work and looked up. “Sorry, what?”

“Rainbow Dash and Applejack are guards now. Make sure they get paid.”

“Oh. Of course. Anything else?” I shook my head and she continued what she was doing.

“What about me?” Gilda asked. “You make me come up here just to talk about them?”

“Patience is a virtue,” I said. “And you’re next anyway. Now, I know you don’t need the money and I doubt you’re interested in taking orders from a pony. I can’t make you a vassal since you’re a noble lady of another nation and I probably wouldn’t if I could. That puts you in a weird grey area. I’ll pay you if you want and call you a scout, or you can just keep being what you are and I’ll help shore up your funding if you want to get something reasonable and don’t have the bits on hand for it.”

She shrugged. “I don’t really care. I signed on for adventure. Honestly, I was expecting more treasure and less world saving, but I’m still having fun. Those giant spiders were the best! So do whatever. As long as the adventures keep coming, I’m here to stay.”

“That works, I guess. You’re another unique case, Spike,” I said. “I’m willing to pay you as a guard if you want, but there’s a problem. You’re a dragon, so you’ll grow with your hoard. The pay isn’t too terribly great, but it might be enough. It might also be enough to start striking at your greed. So I have a few options for you. If you think you can control yourself, I’ll add you to the payroll as well and that’ll be that. If you think it might be a problem but you still want money, I can have Silver start adding up weeks and keep a track of how much you should have earned and give it to you in a lump sum once the journey’s over. Or you can just forego getting paid, like Gilda.”

He clacked his claws together a few times, just thinking. Finally, he shrugged. “I’m a dragon, Nav. I’ll live long enough that I won’t miss a few bits. But having those bits now might mean I’ll miss spending time with you. So don’t worry about paying me. I’ll keep growing naturally so I can stay on the ship for as long as possible!” Dash and Applejack both smiled. Gilda snorted and rolled her eyes.

“That works for me,” I said with a shrug.

“But I do have a question,” he said. I nodded for him to continue. “You said you can’t make Gilda a vassal. And Applejack and Rainbow Dash are Elements of Harmony, so they probably shouldn’t be your vassals either. But what about me? Could you make me one?”

“In theory, I could. And at the end of this journey, we’ll sit down and talk about it at length. But until this journey is over, I will not make you a vassal.”

His ear spines sank a little. “Oh. Why not?”

“When I offered you a place on this ship, I told you that I wanted you to find your place in the world. Well, our destination after Hawaii is Iceland, the homeland of the dragons. And after that, it’ll be Tartarus. But after that, who knows? There’s still plenty of world left to cover, Spike. You may think your place is at my side, but I won’t let you tie yourself down with oaths that are hard to break until you know for sure. Your life is too long for that.”

His ear spines shot back up and a very light blush hit his face. “Oh… Uh, do you think we’ll see Kumani again?”

“I don’t know.”

“If we do, what are you gonna say?” he asked.

“I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it. That’s all I had for three of you. Dash, walk with me.” Dash flinched and Spike sighed. I walked past the group and she fell in behind me.

We stayed silent until I got to my room. When she followed me in, I pushed the door shut. As soon as it clicked, she said, “It wasn’t my fault!”

I sat on the bed. “What happened?”

“Oh. You uh… you don’t know?” I crossed my arms. “Well, it’s not a big deal…”

“You can either tell me or I can assume the worst and base your punishment on that.”

“Punishment?! But it was Gilda’s fault!”

“What was Gilda’s fault?”

She sighed and hung her head. “We went to a griffin bar that had something called mead. It was like that apple stuff you gave me when you first got here, but with honey. We both drank a lot. When we left the bar, a stallion tried flirting with me. I told him no, he insulted me, Gilda decked him, I may have kicked him a little while he was down, then guards showed up and we flew back to the ship.”

“So you both got drunk on illegal alcohol and then assaulted someone.”

Her ears shot straight and her head jerked up. “You can’t get mad at me for drinking! You made me do it too!”

“Before I knew it was illegal, but that’s not the point. You assaulted someone.”

Her ears started twitching and her eyes got shifty. “I said I may have…”

“I’ll give you three choices of punishments, Dash.”

She jumped forward, getting in my face. “Why are you punishing me?! Gilda started it!”

I put a finger on her nose and pushed her back because her breath stank. She glared at it, but didn’t do anything. “First, what makes you think I’m not going to punish her too? Second, you represent one of the ideals Equestria was founded upon. You are supposed to be above this, Dash.”

“Hey, I’m loyalty, not… I dunno, putting up with insults or whatever! I was loyal to Gilda by backing her up against that jerk!”

“You were disloyal to Celestia, by breaking one of her laws.” She flinched. “You were disloyal to this ship, by putting it in danger as you sought refuge here.” Her ears sank. “You were disloyal to Gilda, by allowing her to break the law and put herself at risk.” She hung her head again.

“What… what are my choices?” she quietly asked.

“You can choose between traditional, weird, or kinky.”

“W-what? What are the actual punishments?”

“Not gonna tell you. You just gotta choose one.”

“Can I… can I think about it?”

“No. Here and now.”

She nibbled at her lower lip for a moment before nodding once, a determined look coming to her face. “Kinky. I can take anything you can throw in me!”

I smiled ever so sweetly. “Why Dashie, what makes you think I will punish you?” Her ears really started twitching. “Let’s go talk to Doppel, shall we?”

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped for a second before she rapidly shook her head. “No! No, anything but that! I’ll take weird!”

“Don’t be racist, Dash,” I said, hopping to my feet. “Now let’s go pay our resident adorable bug pony a visit.”

She sighed and followed me down the hall to my lovely little maid’s room, though her hooves were dragging. Doppel’s door was mostly closed, so I knocked. That pushed it open. We both got to see her with her front half on the bed and the back half sticking out. Her tail was pushed back and… Well, let’s just say it was obvious she had a visitor recently.

“B-back so soon?” she murmured, not even turning to face us.

“Yeah, finally back on the ship,” I said. She gasped and tried spinning to face me, but her back legs didn’t work right and she face planted. “Relax, Doppel. I have a job for you, but you don’t need to get up right now.”

She rolled over onto her back and looked at me. “What… what do you need, master?” she panted.

“Dash here has been naughty,” I said, placing a hand on her neck and pulling her into the room. Dash blushed as soon as she caught a whiff of the place. “You’re in charge of her for a week.”

“A week?!” Dash shouted, turning to me with wide eyes.

“Yes, a week,” I said. “You should have known better. And you shouldn’t have tried lying about it.”

“B-but—”

“Yep!” Doppel said, grinning. Since she was looking at us upside down, it looked a little more sinister. “Your butt, being penetrated! You can count on me, master!” she finished with a salute.

“Good. Two more things. First, if she refuses any of your commands, let me know and I’ll handle her. Second, come find me when you’re cleaned up and can talk for a few minutes. Nothing too important, just a few job specifics.”

“Of course, master. Now get in here, Dashie. Time to clean me up!” Dash’s ears shot down and she took a step back until I poked her in the back. She took a slow, deep breath before walking in further. Doppel grinned even wider.

“By the way, it’s mistress now,” I said right before Dash started. Doppel gasped and lifted a gnarled hoof to her mouth. “See you in a few!” I left before she could reply, quickly heading back to my room. For those that are paying attention (I don’t know why I’m saying this, because I’m just going to kill you now since I’m standing behind you with a knife), you’ll notice that I most definitely left the door wide open.

I figured that would take a few minutes, so I started looking for Gilda. She wasn’t in her room, not that I figured she would be. She also wasn’t in Spike’s room. After a few more minutes of searching, I found her down in Kumani’s old room, with Twilight, Taya, and the guard medic. Twilight was in the process of using magic on a small rodent skeleton. The guard was reading a scroll with strangely shifting writing.

Only Taya and Gilda looked up when I entered, unsurprisingly. Taya smiled and walked over to hug me, a hug that I happily returned. While doing my motherly duties, I looked up at Gilda. “So I heard you and Dash had some issues in Europe.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I got a little mead in us both. When we stepped out for some air, a stallion tried picking Dash up. She said no, so he called her a walking pride parade freakshow. I lost my temper and punched the guy, then Dash started really whaling on him. Someone called for the guards and I dragged her off and carried her to the ship.” She shrugged. “I didn’t think about that being her first time with mead. I didn’t wanna actually hurt the guy, just make him back off.”

“It’s alright. No harm done, just don’t do it again. And if Dash asks, tell her I punished you but don’t tell her how.”

“Uh. Okay. Why?”

“Because she blamed it all on you and then tried lying about it, so I’m punishing her. You were honest and upfront, so I’m willing to let it slide this time.”

“Oh. Cool. How are you punishing her?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Before she could worry about it, Twilight’s horn flashed a sickly dark green and an orb of oily smoke shot into the skeleton. The bones absorbed the smoke and turned black and started leaking more smoke and twitching horribly. A few seconds after that started, the eye sockets picked up a glowing red light and the skeleton got to its feet and started ambling around the table.

“It… it worked!” Twilight said, her eyes wide. Then she smiled and reared back to clap her front hooves together. “It actually worked!”

The rodent’s head shot toward her and then its body followed suit, jumping for her neck. I let Taya go and jumped forward to slap it away. Twilight shouted and fell backwards. The skeleton slammed against the wall and started to shatter, then instantly reformed, just long enough for the guard to shoot it with a beam of light that made all the bones break into dust.

He rushed to Twilight and started looking her body over. She started to stand, but he put a hoof on her chest. “Did it get you?” he asked.

“N-no, I’m… Thank you. And thank you, Nav.”

“Of course, ma’am,” the guard said, backing away and finally letting her stand. “You gotta be careful with these undead. Don’t ever think they’re tame until they follow an order.”

“R-right…” She shook her shoulders a few times before nodding. “Back to square one, I guess. I’m running out of skeletons…”

“I thought you said you were able to raise things already,” I said.

“I can raise minor, impermanent zombies,” she said. “That was the second spell in the book Princess Celestia gave me. The first was how to control them, of course. In terms of undead, zombies are weaker and easier to reanimate than skeletons. I believe it has something to do with having a brain or some other kind of organ, even if they’re partially decomposed. This was what the book called a dire skeleton, or a skeletal minion infused with some kind of dark magic. It’s harder to raise and much more difficult to control than a minor zombie or even a standard skeleton.”

“Won’t a zombie just become a skeleton after long enough?” I asked.

“I thought the same thing,” she said, smiling. “But as it turns out, this magic has some manner of preservative effect on corpses. The only way to effectively kill the basic type of zombie without magic is to damage the brain enough, which is why I believe the brain is what makes a zombie easier to animate than a skeleton. The book does not go into detail, but I’ve started making a few hypotheses. I read through the entire thing and there’s another spell later about raising corpses that don’t have a head, so I assume there is another organ you can use in place of it. It’s all very fascinating!”

“And incredibly evil,” the guard said, not looking up from his scroll.

“I disagree, actually,” Twilight said. That made him look up and frown. “I believe it has been used for many evil purposes and I believe that some of it is evil, but none of this is. The last spell in this book details how to rip a soul from a victim and use it to fuel your own magic or create what’s called a blood golem from it. That is evil and I refuse to learn how. But when you just animate a corpse, the soul is completely absent. It is just an animated body that is compelled to do violence by default. But when controlled, you can put it to any manner of use. Since it has no soul, it can never naturally fight back against the necromancer’s will, so once you place it under your control, it stays that way until you release it, it dies, or another necromancer takes control of it. Just because they’ve been used solely for violence does not mean that is their only use.”

“But their default action is violence,” the guard said. “That makes them naturally violent. When raised, they will attack any form of animal life until they are forcefully stopped or placed under control. It’s true that violence isn’t necessarily evil, but I would much rather have a thinking pony doing my manual labor than an undead abomination that is only held in check by the good graces of a necromancer. And just imagine the possible horrors that could come of making this kind of magic widespread enough that enough unicorns could access it to make undead manual labor worthwhile. It would be chaos, with all the crazy unicorns in the world suddenly summoning monstrosities to attack villages.”

“Devil’s advocate, here,” I said. “I’ve seen what crazy unicorns can do without necromancy. I’d rather be chased by undead than destroyed with lightning. At least I can outrun a zombie. And hell, how often do random unicorns go on rampages? Any of them can learn how to make a fireball, and yet you don’t see random smoking ruins of villages everywhere you go. You can use this shit for evil, but you can use regular magic for more destructive kinds of evil.”

“And yet Celestia chose this to make illegal,” he shot back with. “Why do you think that is?”

I shrugged and replied, “Because she’s an easily spooked, bigoted reactionary that despises anything she finds personally distasteful and refuses to consider the possible upsides for something that could so easily be converted to evil by someone that isn’t her. I won’t deny that basic necromancy makes doing evil shit on accident easier, but I do think low level evil necromantic shit is about on par, danger-wise, with low level regular evil shit. Once you get to the upper levels of necromancy, then you can truly be more evil and dangerous. I couldn’t see one unicorn using regular magic to raze a city, but one unicorn raising all the dead in that city and unleashing them could probably take it out. Or worse, building up a strong skeleton and golem army, arming and armoring them with good steel, and then letting them loose on the world.”

“That is why it was banned,” Twilight said with a nod. “Well, one of the reasons it was banned. If I remember my forbidden history books correctly, two of Grogar’s apprentices appeared in Equestria about three hundred years before Sombra attacked him in the north. They had a full army of undead, and raised as many of the fallen defenders as they could. Even with that, they only took out a few small villages and half a city before Princess Luna stopped them. It was frowned upon before then, but that made Celestia ban it entirely.”

“...When did you learn that?” I asked.

She shrugged. “The next time we were in Canterlot after visiting Athena’s realm. I broke into some of Celestia’s hidden library chambers. I actually found this necromancy book, but I didn’t think to look in it.”

“You naughty little filly,” I said with a smirk. She giggled. “Anyway, back to the point. This shit has great potential for evil, but I could see it being used for some good. Like, for example, unshackling a ghost from someone. At least this actually has a practical use, unlike summoning fucking asshole demons.”

“That’s not entirely true,” the guard said. “I’m probably not supposed to tell you this, but you’re my lady now so it’s not like the princess can hold it against me. After Celestia found that a changeling poisoned Blueblood, she realized Chrysalis would probably attack Canterlot. So she sent us to escort some horrifying fellow called the Inquisitor to one of the larger changeling hives, where we summoned a demon to wreak havoc. She was hoping it would make Chrysalis call the attack off to deal with it herself, but you know how that turned out.”

“Alright, so that’s incredibly evil,” I said with a nod.

Even Gilda nodded and replied, “I hate changelings and I still think that’s pretty fucked up, dude. If one of those things did that to Nav,” they all looked at my wing, “then there’s no telling what they did to a hive.”

He shrugged. “Celestia had us do a lot of evil things. Although it got considerably worse after Luna returned. If there’s some kind of afterlife, I will suffer eternally for the things I have done in the name of peace. Anyway, back to work.” He grabbed the scroll and went back to reading it over.

“And on that note, I need to get back to my room,” I said. “I have people waiting on me.” Probably. “Twilight, if you let my daughter get eaten by a skeletal hamster, I’m turning you into a mindless sex slave.”

“‘Kay.” She started poring over her book again and Taya began using magic to assemble another skeleton. Gilda watched, her tail idly wagging across the floor. I had no idea why she was there, but I learned to stop questioning things ages ago.

When I got to my room, Doppel was trying on some of my longer socks. She looked up when I entered and then went back to seeing how far up her legs they would stretch. I hopped onto the bed and eased back. “So I’m an actual, literal noble now,” I idly said.

“I heard. I bet you hate it, huh?”

“Oh yeah, it sucks hella hard. But since I can have vassals and guards and all that shit now, I decided it was past time I got my finances in order. So if you want to become official, I can have you added to the payroll, so money will be deposited into an account for you at the same time all the guards get paid. Or I can make you a vassal, if you really want to stay with me forever.”

“Hm… For now, I think I just want to get paid. But I’ll think about being a vassal later. Is that okay?”

“Oh yeah, that’s perfectly fine. It’s a huge step and I’m surprised three people already made it.”

“Okay, mistress. Then I’ll take half of what the guards get. I won’t need money as much as they do, but it’ll be nice to have some if I ever do. And these are really comfortable!”

“Yeah, socks are great. Is Dash behaving?”

“Yes. She’s a surprisingly obedient little filly. I think she might actually enjoy this week!”

“Yeah, she’s super subby. Anyway, that’s all I needed. You’re free to go back to doing whatever.”

“Are you whatever, mistress?”

“I said whatever, not whoever. But I mean, if you’re offering…”

She transformed into a shape I knew very well and my smirk turned into a full smile. She… He kicked the door shut and pounced.

Once I was able to walk again, we both wandered on down to the naga’s room. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to seek him out, but he definitely wasn’t in there. “So, thoughts?” I asked. At the moment, she was disguised as Rainbow Dash.

“Nope. He didn’t tell me anything.”

“Huh.” Since all four people were still in Twilight’s new lab, I poked my head in there. A skeletal hamster was trying to run in a wheel, but his bones kept getting caught in the empty spaces, breaking them. They instantly healed up and he tried to continue running. Twilight was watching and taking notes, Taya was sitting with Gilda and talking about the best methods of breaking a jaw, and the medic was using a small magnifier to look into a shimmery emerald. “Hey guys, anyone know where the naga is?”

“Three of us are girls, Nav,” Twilight said without looking up.

“Go fuck yourself. Anyone feel like giving me an answer that isn’t just sass?”

The medic spoke up with, “He said he was going to the blacksmith, if you needed him for anything.”

“Thank you. Keep on keepin’ on, guys.” Twilight snorted as Doppel and I went on our way. My changeling turned into a hummingbird long enough to land on my shoulder, then transformed into a hamster and scuttled down my shirt to nestle herself between my lackluster boobs. I didn’t comment, even though the furry warmth felt strangely good.

When I got to the blacksmith, it was just Smiles doing his normal routine. Well, the normal routine that doesn’t involve sexually harassing guys or trying to have sex with me. In this case, he was using Ice to quench nails. I thought about asking if that damaged him before deciding that I honestly didn’t care.

It was too loud for him to hear me walk in, but his elemental has superhuman senses and was also facing the right way, so he alerted Smiles that he had company and the dude stopped hammering and turned to face me. “Hey Nav,” he loudly said. Then he blinked and rubbed at one of his ears for a second before continuing more quietly. “Sorry, I forget how much that messes with my volume. What do you need?”

“I was looking for the naga. You seen him?”

“Yeah, he’s with Jak in the book world. I was talking to him for a while about uh… being gay, actually. It was kinda weird. The book is in Jak’s room, if you want to see him now.”

“He… spoke with you about being gay?” I asked. Truth be told, I never expected to hear that one. “Was he mean or anything?”

“No, actually. I was surprised. I’ve heard him speak up about it before and it was always pretty nasty, so I kept quiet around him. He wasn’t respectful, but he was at least more open to it.” He shrugged. “I answered his questions as best I could. It started with how I became interested in stallions. He didn’t get the answer he expected, so that turned into how and when I noticed I was into them. It made me think about some stuff I never really paid much attention to. Did you know naga consider that unnatural and disgusting?”

“I did. I told him to stop being a dick about it when he was in Ponyland. I guess he chose to actually educate himself. Props to him, I guess. When I come from, most people preferred keeping their prejudices instead of learning why other people are the way they are. I don’t suppose he asked you about laws, did he?”

“Yeah. One of the things he asked was when it became legal for guys like me to marry other guys. I had no clue about that. Do you know if it was ever illegal?”

“I think so. But I meant laws that actually mattered. Like, the legality of cutting off someone’s hand in front of a squad of guards.”

He blinked. “Oh. No.” He blinked again. “Wait, did he actually do that?”

“Yeah. Anyway, not important. I need to speak to him. Carry on or whatever.”

He shrugged and turned back to his anvil. “Door’s unlocked. Let me know if Jak needs anything.”

“Yep.” The hammer started ringing again, so I went further into the smithy. Jak’s room was a fucking mess, surprisingly. I figured the dude would be something of a neat freak, but he had random scraps of metal everywhere, notes dropped all over the place, unfinished plates of food here and there, unwashed clothes dumped on his bed, and the fucking portal book was on the floor.

“He needs a maid,” hamster Doppel said from my shirt.

“Or a smack in the mouth from someone that is a lot less scared of him than I am,” I replied. She shifted around a little, which tickled and made me squirm. When she was done, I grabbed the book, knocked some detritus off a table, and set it on there. “Now’s your chance to back out,” I said. “Shit’s weird in there.”

“I’m happy right where I am,” her squeaky voice said. I shrugged and opened the book. We both got sucked in and my shirt immediately tore in half as she was forcibly reverted back to her real body. I wasn’t wearing a bra and I started to cover myself before realizing that I didn’t actually care. She hit the floor with a painful sounding thunk and quickly sat up, rubbing her head. “What happened?”

Athena appeared in front of us and placed a finger on both of our foreheads. The one against mine was her natural finger and the one against Doppel’s was the one with the weird metal thing on it, both of which elongated several feet so Athena didn’t have to bend over. Doppel and I completely froze in place and could only move our eyes.

“Navarone. You brought me a changeling. Interesting. I suppose I should warn you that their abilities do not work here.” Her finger slowly traced down my body and stopped at one of my nipples, making my skin crawl. “Is there a reason you come to me with your chest bared?”

Whatever she was doing to freeze my body wore off on my mouth, so I said, “Doppel was disguised as a hamster and nestled in my shirt. Coming here reverted her and it tore the shirt off.”

“Oh.” She looked down and slightly behind me, where the shirt was presumably sitting on the floor. “Interesting.” She suddenly appeared behind me, though she somehow kept both fingers where they were. “Are you aware that one of your wings has been corrupted?”

“I am aware of that, yes. I don’t suppose you could fix it?”

“I could remove it and assist it in regrowing over the course of a few months, but I believe it very unlikely that it would grow back feathery. Such a shame.” She reappeared in front of me. “Is there some way I can assist you?”

“I was looking for the naga.”

Her head tilted very slightly and the three of us appeared next to Jak, the naga, and the metal golem. “You have found him.”

“Thank you.”

Her fingers released me and Doppel and she appeared behind me again, to place both hands on my shoulders. “You are very tense, Navarone. You will see me before you return to the real world.”

“...Okay.” She vanished, though some feeling of her hands on my shoulders lingered. It made me shiver, though that might have also been the slight chill against my bare chest.

“What do you need, lass?” Jak asked, hefting an unnecessarily large wrench. I don’t know why he had it, since I didn’t see any bolts anywhere, but whatever. While he asked that, Doppel was getting to her feet and stretching.

I paid her no mind and said, “I just needed to speak with the naga for a second. It probably could have waited, but I’d prefer to get all of this settled now.”

“What do you need, sister?” the naga asked, making no attempt to hide the fact that he was staring straight at my chest.

“Since I got turned into a noble and everything’s becoming big and official with all its own paperwork, I wanted to know if you were interested in being paid like a guard. I went ahead and had Watcher send some gold your way for all the work you’ve done before now, but unless you want to be put on the roster now, you won’t be getting paid again. If not, that’s cool. If so, I need to know now so I can get you added.”

A flash of fire caught all our eyes and we looked down at Doppel, who was presumably attempting to transform. She tried a few more times to no avail. When she was done, the naga and Jak both went back to ogling my boobs. “I do not need payment, though the money you had delivered was welcome. I will continue without need for paperwork.”

“Alright, cool. Jak, how’s the monstrosity coming?”

“Well, lass.” He smacked the thing in the head with his wrench. “He’s comin’ along real well. I don’t suppose you’re aware that you’re missing a shirt.”

“Yeah, I noticed. How much longer do you think you have on this thing?”

“This one? Oh, I’ll probably never be done foolin’ with this thing!” He chuckled and placed an oversized hand on one of its arms. “He’s my baby, true as true.” I slowly lifted an eyebrow and he started laughing some more. When he finished that episode, he shook his head and wiped a tear away. “Oh lassie, you’re so adorable when you’re confused. This lad here’ll be my eternal prototype, always changing with my whims and thoughts… But I’ll start working on a new one within the week, one we can take outside the book and use however you want.”

“And how long—”

He reached a hand over and tousled my hair, which did basically nothing since it all hung down to my ass and was in a ponytail besides. “Can’t rush perfection, lassie. Now you leave us old fellas to our work. We got toys to build for you!”

I don’t know if I should feel offended because that was sexist or because it was just condescending. I chose to get over myself instead and shrugged, making them both grin because my boobs bounced with my shoulders. “Alright, whatever. See you both on the other side.” Doppel and I started walking away, leaving Jak to his work and Ames to whatever the fuck he was doing.

“This place is really fascinating, mas—mistress,” Doppel said, looking around.

“It’s cool on this side. Not so cool when you’re fighting your way through it with nothing but a knife and a moody, adorable unicorn.”

“Yeah, I bet—Wait, do you mean Taya or Twilight? Because I thought it was Twilight, but that fits both.”

“It was Twilight.”

“Just checking. Yeah, I bet that was unfun.” She stopped next to one of the large paper golems and just looked up at it. “Did you have to fight one of these?”

“Yeah. Be thankful for your carapace. Papercuts are a very serious concern for those of us without fur or armor all over us.”

“Huh.” She hurried to catch up as I walked to the staircases going up. I really didn’t want to see Athena before I left, but I also wanted to be able to come back and not have to deal with the possible consequences of disobeying her.

When I saw her through the book’s natural gloom, she was sitting straight up and just staring at me, hands on her knees. She creepily watched us approach. Or rather, watched me approach. As far as she appeared to be concerned, Doppel might as well have been a gnat.

“What did you need from me?” I asked when I was an acceptable talking distance away. Then I remembered that her culture was much closer than that and what was acceptable to me was probably super rude to her. That said, I didn’t move closer.

She lifted a hand and a bed appeared next to her, then she used that hand to pat the bed. “Lie down, Navarone.” I looked at Doppel and found that she was completely frozen in place. I looked at the bed and slowly lied down on the edge.

She disappeared from view and I got my hopes up just long enough to feel something carefully combing through my hair. “This is too pretty to keep like this, don’t you think?”

I actually quite like it. “I… am open to new ideas,” I said, shifting slightly in discomfort.

She began whistling like a bird as she pulled the rubber band away from my hair and started brushing it. Once it was fully unwrinkled, she started doing a few other things. It was difficult for me to tell what exactly she was doing because I was facing the wrong way, but her bony hands did not feel very nice against my scalp.

When she was finally done, she ran one of those creepy hands slowly down my side, ending at the start of my pants. My eyes involuntarily closed, trying to hide me from what I thought was about to happen as her hand stopped at my hip. Then it suddenly disappeared and I didn’t feel her on the bed anymore. My eyes opened just in time to see her face leaning into mine. She very gently kissed my forehead while grabbing one of my hands with one of hers.

“I always found someone else playing with my hair very relaxing,” she quietly said, pulling back. With that, the three of us appeared next to the portal book and I was suddenly standing again. “I will see you next time, Navarone.”

She let me go and walked around the pedestal, then opened the book to face me and Doppel. We both got ensnared by tentacles and dragged back into reality.

When my changeling reanimated, she gasped for breath and started coughing. While she was getting over that, I placed a hand on my chest and leaned against the table. “What the fuck just happened?” I asked, trying to reconcile whatever the fuck that was in my head.

Before Doppel could reply, the book opened again and spat out a dress that looked like it had been fashioned from what was left of my shirt, along with some other kind of fabric. To get my mind off the absolute horror I was feeling, I grabbed it and held it up to get a look at it. The thing seemed like something like one of the muses in that old Hercules movie wore.

Doppel was all the way or mostly recovered, so she looked at it as well. “Huh. Mistress, what the buck—” She took her eyes on the dress and moved them up to me. Instead of stopping at my face, they went to my hair. “Uh… huh.”

“I’m not even gonna ask.” I slung the dress over a shoulder and walked out. She followed me back into the smithy, where Smiles was back to work.

Once again, Ice saw us when we came back and he stopped his host, but moved up to look at me before Smiles could do anything. “Are you okay?” he asked. “You lost your shirt and…” His eyes also went to my hair. “Wow. That looks really pretty.”

“Thank you. And yes, I’m physically fine. Athena doesn’t believe in personal space and I have a hard time telling her no, because I happen to like all of my blood inside of my body. Although the shirt thing was actually Doppel’s fault, not that it matters. Anyway, I’m going to go curl into a ball and cry for a little while, because that was incredibly traumatizing.”

“Oh. Um. Do you want a hug?”

“Yes.” Sunshine Smiles literally flew across the room to hug me. Ice slid behind me and braced my body to stop me from getting knocked back into Jak’s room. I was honestly too shocked and disturbed at what Athena just did to even be mad about it, so I hugged him back. Warmth, squishiness, and comfortably soft fur is exactly what I needed after being held and touched by Athena’s cold, mutated, bony hands. I sighed into the pony’s back as my body actually started shaking slightly, the tension and fear seeping out of me.

That hug lasted longer than it probably should have, which should have been a sign to myself just how creepy I really found Athena. She was weird, inhuman, and honestly just straight up scared me. And also, Smiles was surprisingly comfortable.

When he finally felt me relax, he softly cleared his throat. “When uh… When I let go, are you gonna kick me in my crotch?”

“No.”

“...Promise?”

“I promise I won’t kick you this time, Smiles.”

He slowly pulled away. While he was doing that, Ice released me from behind. When they were both off me, Ice slid around to my front. “Do you need to talk about it?” he asked.

“No, it wasn’t that bad.”

“...You were shaking,” Smiles said. “You didn’t even do that after the bunker.”

“Yeah, because it actually was that bad. That bitch is all manner of creepifying. Anyway, I’ll see you both later.”

“Wait, if it was that bad, doesn’t that mean you need to talk about it?”

“I dunno, probably?” I shrugged. “See you both later.”

I began walking out, but Smiles planted his plump ass in front of me. “You know you can talk to me, Nav.”

“Smiles, you’re getting dangerously close to being threatened with a crotch kick. Bat ponies are absolutely adorable, but changelings are even moreso, and Doppel actually wants to have sex with me. So I’ll talk to her instead.” He sighed and hung his head, so I booped him on the nose and my maid and I continued on our way.

When we got back to my room, I folded the weird dress up, placed it on my dresser, and then fell into bed. “So do you actually wanna talk about it?” Doppel asked, sitting next to me and placing a hoof on my back.

“I do not.”

She cuddled up against me and sighed in delight. “You’re so comfy, mistress.”

“And you’re so hard and unpliable. But I don’t mind at all, because you’re cute and adorable and love cuddles.” I spun to my side and wrapped her up in a hug. “Also, you’re about as light as an oversized teddy bear, so I could totally just carry you around wherever I went if I wanted.”

“Riding around in your shirt or on your head is more fun.”

“Yeah, it actually felt pretty good. You know, up until you tore my shirt in half. For some reason, I really like the feeling of furry things across my chest. Squishy furry things are better.”

“Hm. Have you ever let anyone cum across your chest?”

“I have not, no.”

“I know half the mares I’ve been with love it when I go for their teats. If you ever wanna try it, just let me know!”

“I will keep that in mind.” I had no intention of keeping that in mind.

Honestly, I didn’t really have all that much on my schedule. Becoming a proper lady added a decent amount of bullshit, but most of it was just administration shit that didn’t take too long to sort out. Even then, a lot of it was just extra work that I only did to help out the people on my ship. But it was finally all taken care of, so I had nothing else to really do the entire way to our next destination.

It felt weird. I spent so much time looking forward to getting back on the ship and on the move again, and when it finally happened, I really didn’t have much to do. Spending so long doing nothing wasn’t really my style, truth be told. Cuddling and fucking Doppel was all well and good, but sometimes a girl needs to just beat the shit out of something with a stick.

The next day, when the naga was finally out of the book, I found him in his room. He was just sitting in the dark when I stepped inside. “You alright?” I asked.

His tail slowly uncoiled and he rose to his full height. “I am better, now that I am out of that strange realm. It is impressive that you held your mind and body together well enough to fight through that book. I am baffled at how you manage to deal with Athena. She… horrifies me, as much as I am ashamed to admit it.”

“Yeah, she’s scary as hell. Some kind of… subhuman abomination of power and bones. I honestly thought she was going to molest me yesterday. When I got out of the book, I had a small mental breakdown.”

“Hm. That is understandable. Should one such as her desire you, there would be no denying her. It would be a distinctly unpleasant experience.” He slid over to the wall, for a moment, just to look away. “Now, I hear talk. Interesting talk.” He grabbed his huge rod and turned back to face me. “Talk that you have given in to your female nature.”

“I have given in to reality, Ames. If that is a problem, it is not too late to drop you off at Stone Falls.”

He stared at me in silence for several long seconds, his hands slowly tensing and loosing on his stick. Finally, he lowered his body and slid forward. One hand released his tool and he placed that hand on my shoulder. “The reality is that you are my equal. Male or female, you are my equal. The reality is that the naga way is not the only way in this world. Despite your change, you did not become weak. You did not become a simpering fool. You stayed strong. You stayed my equal. Traveling has changed me, as I’m sure you knew it would. For better or worse, I am no longer the same naga I was when I left.”

I took his large hand with my own. “It’s for the better, brother. And I know how hard it’s gotta be for you to change like this. I know how… tense and stressed it can make you.” I pulled his hand up and looked him in the eyes, smiling softly. “I bet I know how to help you relax, too.”

He looked down at his hand in mine. “It has been some time. I know I’m a little stiff. Do you think we could be gentle this time?”

“Us? Gentle?” I reached out and took his stick in my other hand to try to heft its weight. “With this thing between us, I don’t think either of us could be gentle. But you love roughing me up, don’t you deny it.”

He laughed softly and pulled the thing away from me. “True. I wager it’s been some time since your body was given a true workout, too.” His hand finally pulled away from mine and he slowly ran it down my side. “Just as I thought. You’re so soft… I believe I’ll enjoy breaking you in again!”

“What are we waiting for?” I asked with a smirk.

Before he could reply, his door slammed the rest of the way open and Flo oozed in, bright red. She slid right to us and slapped us both in the face, then left without a single word.

We both watched her leave in stunned silence. When she was gone, we slowly looked at each other, both rubbing our faces. “What’s her problem?” he finally asked.

“Man, I don’t fucking know. Let me go get some protection and we can get started.”

“I’ll be waiting, little sister.” For some reason, I shivered when he called me that, and went to prepare my body for him.

Having so few specific things that needed to be taken care of made falling back into the rhythm of life on the ship so much easier.

Wake up, shower, eat, check with Watcher and Gourd to see if anything was up, practice with the naga and Spike, eat, spend time with Taya, speak to my soldiers or friends, eat, fool around with Twilight, sleep, practice dream stuff with her.

A standard, easy routine. I somehow managed to put being a noble in the back of my mind. As Flo said, nothing really changed, not really. Or at least, nothing really changed on the ship. I knew whenever I was in a pony city, things might be different. Especially Canterlot. And I knew it had ramifications when the journey was over.

But none of that really concerned me, at the moment. I was back with friends, back with people I liked, back where I was needed, and I was back to a routine.

It was nice.

As with all nice things, it couldn’t last. A week and a half after we left Canterlot, Twilight sat me down on her bed before we started our typical session and said, “Can we try something different tonight?”

“Twilight, we try different things every night. And let me tell you, my joints are still aching from last night.”

“Well… yeah. But I meant different as in… a different species. I’ve been turning you into a pony every night, but I did a little bit of research while in Canterlot and I believe I can turn you into something else now.”

“Oh. What did you have in mind? I’ve done changeling before and that was pretty neat.”

She tapped a hoof on the floor, then shook her head. “I thought about that, but I decided I wanted to try something that hadn’t been done before. How do you feel about being a griffin?”

“I don’t think I’d mind that at all. You sure you can do it?”

“Pretty sure, yeah. Hold still.”

“Wait, pretty sure? Or, like, actually sure?”

She rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. Before I could tell her I was reconsidering, my body started changing. My feet and back half started slowly becoming feline and smaller, more lithe. Then the rest of me also started becoming feline and smaller. I shrank and shrank until I took up less than a quarter of the bed. My hands became paws, my wings disappeared into my back, a tail shot out, my ears elongated…

Yada yada, she turned me into an actual fucking housecat.

When the light around her horn finally died down, her mouth just dropped. She was stunned for a second before I could realize something was wrong. She recovered enough to rub her eyes with her hooves to make sure she was seeing things right. Once she was sure that I was, in fact, a cat, her horn lit up again.

Despite not knowing anything about that body, I managed to shoot off the bed and found myself under it before she could do anything with that horn. If she managed to turn me into a fucking cat on accident, I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out what she would try doing to fix it.

“Nav, can you… can you understand me?” she asked. I tried telling her yes, but it came out to my ears as a meow. She whimpered slightly and continued, “I… don’t know if that’s a good sign. If you come out, I promise not to do anything.”

Given that she was probably the only one on the ship that could fix it, I did as she said and came out. She looked me over for a moment before carefully picking me up with her hooves and setting me back on the bed.

She slowly sighed and said, “Alright, um… Let’s see, raise your right paw if you can understand me.” I raised my right paw. “Okay, good. I’m not going to go into the specifics of what went wrong, but it probably boils down to this: Griffins are a hodgepodge of animals. So I figured to make you a griffin, I had to make you based off the animals they’re based on. I guess I went a little too strong on the cat.”

I hissed at her.

“Okay, more than a little too strong. Regardless, fixing it will be mostly easy. It’ll just take some… uh, some calibrations, so to say. To the spell.” Flo very slowly pushed the claws out on my right paw, which was still raised. “I’ll have it done by morning, I promise!”

Since the claws were still out, I drew that paw across my throat, pantomiming slitting hers.

“Yes, yes, you’re angry. Trust me, I’m well aware. I’ll let you… I don’t know, I’ll let you do something weird to me later to make up for it.” She lifted a hoof and slowly rubbed her temple. “Ugh, it’s gonna be a long night… And you’re no good to me like this. I know you’re still you, but I am not going to dominate a housecat, I don’t care whose mind is in there. And I don’t need you here distracting me. Go… I don’t know, go claw Rarity’s curtains or something.”

I jumped across the void separating us and booped her on the fucking nose as hard as I could. Thankfully, I landed on my feet, then jumped back on her bed and laid across her pillow.

“Nav, I don’t want your white fur all over everything. Doppel turns into enough weird things here that no one would think twice if they saw a white cat roaming around. Just go sit in your room.”

God dammit. Flo, can you come smack her around for me?

A few seconds later, something slowly slid through the cracks around her window. After enough of her was inside, it took on Flo’s standard shape. “I heard you have been mistreating my human,” she said, turning a very weak shade of red.

“No, I’ve been mistreating your cat,” Twilight replied, pointing at me. “Would you mind holding her for a little while so I can work on fixing her?”

“I will handle her. But Nav had a request.” She reached out and smacked Twilight twice. Not too hard, but it was sufficient to show my anger. “There. We’ll be out of your hair now.” Flo held her arms open and I leapt into them.

Thankfully, there are enough weird things on this ship that no one really thought to question why a water elemental suddenly had a cat. She took me to my room and set me on the dresser, then closed the door. Thank you. So how should I get back at Twilight?

“Vibrating panties in public. And nothing else.”

Works for me. So now what?

“How upset would you be if I dropped you off in Fluttershy’s room?”

I’m gonna go with very.

“...And how upset would you be if I dropped Fluttershy off in here?”

Slightly less, but still fairly upset.

“Just checking.” She placed a warm, watery hand on my head. “I have no intentions of informing her. Your belly is mine and mine alone to rub.”

After a few long seconds of thought, I rolled over and presented it. She giggled in evil glee and started lowering that same hand.

Right as it connected, the door slammed open and a frantic yellow horse bounded in. Fluttershy’s eyes took everything in at once and she shot across the room to grab me right out from under Flo’s hands. She squee’d adorably and gently hugged me up against her fluffy chest. Not gently enough to stop me from being absolutely horrified, but it didn’t hurt.

When she was done with that, she started flying out, just staring at me in absolute wonder. She continued flying and giggling for about fifteen seconds before she realized we weren’t going anywhere. Then she blinked a few times and looked back to find that Flo had her tail in a vice grip.

“I will ask you this once, Fluttershy. Give me that cat.”

“That… That wasn’t actually a question.” Flo instantly lit bright red and Fluttershy squealed, hugging me tighter.

“Give. Me. My. Human.” With every word, she grew in size and started towering over Fluttershy, even though the mare was flying. At the last word, Fluttershy’s wings stopped working and she fell to the deck, thankfully on her back so I didn’t get crushed. Flo used another hand to pluck me from Fluttershy’s grasp and set me on her own warm, red head. “Why are you here?”

At the moment, I didn’t really know if Fluttershy could answer that. Her mouth was quivering horribly, her eyes were wide, both her wings were tucked against her body tighter than a virgin, and all four of her legs were curled up in front of her to protect her.

I patted Flo on the head. Might want to ease back a little.

Bubbles started escaping my elemental as she slowly returned to her normal blue self. When she was back to her regular size, she released Fluttershy’s tail and sighed. “Better. Why are you here, Fluttershy?”

“O-one… One of your sisters told me… Nav was a kitty!”

“Which one of my sisters told you this?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know. B-but N-nav… Nav’s a kitty!”

“Yes, Navarone is currently a cat.”

Fluttershy’s eyes moved to mine. “Can I play with her?”

“You may not.” Her eyes immediately went downcast. “What exactly did this elemental tell you?”

“That Twilight made a magical mistake and turned Nav into a cat…” Her eyes finally went to Flo’s. “Why can’t I play with her?”

“Did this elemental tell you anything else? Or just that?”

“That was all. May I please play with her?”

Flo stopped talking to her and just started talking in my head. “Do you mind if I look into her mind to see which sister did it?”

Ask her permission first.

“Fluttershy, I am going to peer into your memory. I am quite interested in which of my sisters told you this.”

“Um. If you do, can I play with Navi?”

Flo shoved several fingers through Fluttershy’s eyes. Since the memories weren’t that far back, it didn’t take her long to suck them back out. “Aqua. I figured.”

She idly scooped Fluttershy up like she weighed nothing and started pacing the room, rubbing Fluttershy’s belly and presumably thinking. I had a very nice view of Fluttershy’s face as her tummy was molested, and almost found myself feeling jealous, since that’s pretty much what my face would look like if she hadn’t burst in.

After about a minute of that, Flo started thinking at me again. “Aqua didn’t even tell her that you were still sapient. So now we get to have revenge on Twilight and her elemental.”

Well I mean, it was just a prank. Remember all that time I spent dressing her up in dreams?

“Don’t defend her, Nav. I’m giving you the opportunity to prank one of my sisters. Be grateful.”

Tch. I thought you waters were supposed to be all high and mighty, above petty revenge and all that jazz.

“Tell that to my sister, who just tried to sic Fluttershy on you.”

Fair enough. That poor mare looked very content at the moment, too. You know, I have been awfully mean to Fluttershy in the past…

“Nav, don’t tell me you’re thinking about it.”

Yeah, you’re right. Why should I let that poor, abused mare have anything nice? It’s not like I broke her heart or destroyed her feelings or emotionally abused her or—

Flo spoke up, saying, “Fluttershy, I need to go speak to one of my sisters.” She set that mare on my bed and very gently placed me on top of her. “Would you mind looking after Nav in here for a few minutes?”

That knocked Fluttershy out of her stupor of pleasure and her eyes widened again. “R-really?!”

Flo put a finger on Fluttershy’s nose. “I can feel every emotion Navarone has right now. If she becomes distressed for any reason, I will know. And if something happens to her, I will make sure that you have nothing but nightmares until the day you die, which I will ensure to be sooner than you’d like. Have fun!” She released Fluttershy and slid out the door.

Fluttershy watched the elemental until she was gone, then her eyes slowly turned to me. Instead of a look of horror like I was expecting, they were filled with glee and she very carefully hugged me, squeeing softly again.

When she was done trying to murder me that way, she set me on the bed and hopped up so she could close the door. Once that was done, she turned back to me, still smiling. “Can you understand me?” she asked.

I tilted my head slightly. Even if I did understand her, how would she understand me?

“It’s okay, Nav. Not many ponies know this, but…” She looked back at her ass tattoo before standing sideways so I could see it. “My special talent lets me communicate with some animals! It’s usually really basic, but I can understand a lot!”

Fuck it, let’s see. I tried saying, “I can understand you,” but it just came out as another meow.

She blinked a few times before shaking her head. “I guess when she made you a cute little kitty, she made you a cute little… um, human kitty? Well, you said all the animals in your time weren’t really intelligent, so maybe the same is true of you? Hm.” She stepped closer and slowly stroked my back. My body involuntarily stood, pressing itself against her hoof. “Well, you still have a cat’s instincts. I wonder why Twilight made you like this…”

Let’s see… She’s impatient, doesn’t test things thoroughly, takes unnecessary risks, thinks too little of her friends, and probably a few other reasons.

Flo snorted. “Are you talking about yourself or Twilight?”

Before I could tell her to go fuck herself, Fluttershy booped me on the nose. “Well, even if you can’t talk to me, at least I can still play with you!”

She moved her head in very close to give me an Eskimo kiss. Since her hair was so long and it was dangling right next to me, I darted to it and started batting it with my paws before she could touch me.

It took her a second to realize what I was doing, since I was doing it under her snout. When she did, she giggled and started moving her head around to let me chase it. Say what you want about her as a person, but that miniature horse loves her some animals. And she knows how to have fun with them.

I got bored with that pretty quickly, since I couldn’t actually grab onto it. Chasing it around was interesting, but not really challenging because she didn’t think I was smart and she was also a fucking pussy. So I hopped off the bed and rubbed myself between her legs. She was just short enough that I could also press against her belly with my back if I arched it right.

She just stood there and let me rub my pussy against her, then eventually decided to start rubbing it herself. Her feathery wings felt very good against my body, unsurprisingly. I probably shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but since she didn’t know I was still me, it didn’t feel too weird.

After a few minutes of letting her mindlessly love on me, I hopped up on the bed and decided to be nice and present my belly. When she saw that, she chuckled and shook her head. “Silly Navi, I know better than that! Even smart kitties don’t let you play with their cute little tummies.” She sighed and shook her head. “Such a shame, too. They’re so soft and fuzzy and warm and comfy and cute and cuddly and… Oooh, it’s worth it!”

I wasn’t expecting her to place her face against me, but she buried her snout into my belly and nuzzled me, basking in the fur. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel anything like having my stomach rubbed as a pony. That’s not to say it felt bad or anything, but it didn’t feel amazing or whatever. When she came up for air, she kept her head against me, just pressing her mouth against my stomach and looking up at me with her pretty eyes.

So I batted her on the nose. Not with claws out, just a playful boop. She smiled widely and subsequently got a mouth full of hair when I shifted. Her head jerked up and she sputtered out, trying to get rid of that weird feeling.

While she was distracted with that, I stood up, carefully did some judging, decided my judgment was probably awful, and let Flo help me jump onto Fluttershy’s head. I only stayed up there long enough to make another judgment and then hopped onto her back. She stifled a gasp as I carefully kneaded her back with my paws, preparing it to lay on. Once again, I didn’t use claws so there’s no way I'd hurt her.

When my new bed was ready, I curled up on her back, directly between her wings. She turned her head to look at me and sweetly sighed. “Even human-like kitties will sleep anywhere, I guess.”

So she wouldn’t disturb me, she very carefully got on the bed and curled her legs under her body. As soon as she got comfortable, Flo silently slid back under the door and scooped me right off the pony’s back. “You may leave, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, but we were just—”

“You were just leaving, yes,” Flo said with a nod. “I believe you know the way out.”

“Um… O-okay. Can I maybe… Kiss Navi on her cute little nose? Just once?”

Flo rolled her eyes and held me up in front of Fluttershy. It wasn’t the most comfortable position to be in, but I silently bore it and just stared at the timid butter horse. She blushed for just a moment before kissing me right on the nose. Before she could pull back, I licked her with my creepy sandpaper tongue.

When she backed up, she had a large smile on her face. “Goodnight, Navi,” she whispered. Her deeds done, she happily trotted out, wings trembling in joy.

So that was super adorable.

“You’re masochistic,” my elemental grunted. She shot out a tendril of water to pull the door closed, then set me back on the bed. “Is your body ready?”

Yes.

I refuse to write what she did to me that night. All I will say is that it was very enjoyable and it might or might not have involved belly rubs.

When I woke up, it was to a furry body. Some part of me expected Twilight to have turned me back by then. But of course, I’m not allowed to have nice things. So as soon as I got up, Flo graciously ferried me down to Twilight’s room.

That silly little mare was sleeping. Several books were strewn all over the place. Flo stopped at the doorway and set me on the floor so I could silently pad my way inside. As soon as I got next to the bed, she helped me jump up and I planted myself on top of Twilight’s chest. That didn’t wake her up, so I slapped her in the face with my paws until her eyes flapped open.

She got to wake up to a very angry looking cat right in her face. “Um. Hi, Nav.” I slapped her nose with a paw. Her eyebrows furrowed and she rubbed at it with a hoof. “So I take it you’re still upset.” I popped her nose again. She looked down at my legs and realized that I was definitely standing on her. “Well, I have some bad news. You see—” Flo ejected my claws and I slapped her nose again. “Ow! I was joking, Nav!” Her horn lit up and set me on the bed next to her. “Don’t be such a pussy.” That just made me hiss at her.

She chuckled and her horn lit up much brighter. Just like that, I was back to being a completely nude demi-human. “About fucking time.”

“Uh, you’re welcome.”

I looked at my water elemental. She got the message and closed the door. I grabbed Twilight by the horn and shoved her head between my legs. She sighed and began making up for what she did.

A few days after Caturday, I woke up to three water elementals staring at me. I was taking a break from Twilight at the moment because Fluttershy couldn’t stop blushing and giggling any time she saw me and if I was going to suffer, I was damn sure going to make the person who caused it suffer as well. So it was just me in my room with three elementals.

The three in particular this time were Naiad, Aqua, and Brook. I wouldn’t be nearly as worried if Flo was also there. As it was, I unconsciously pulled the sheets up a little higher as soon as I saw them.

“One of our sisters has told us something very worrying,” Brook said, her eyes flashing yellow.

“Which one of your sisters?” I slowly asked.

Naiad moved closer and reached over to place a hand on my shoulder. “There is no need to be afraid, Navarone. We are not angry. We merely wish to speak.”

“Then you guys need to work on your people skills,” I said. “Staring at me while I sleep is creepy, grouping up on people worries them, cornering someone while they’re naked is unpleasant, excluding the one sister of yours that I explicitly trust more than anyone I’ve ever known scares me, and I really don’t like people touching me. You can say whatever you want, but the way you’re approaching me is definitely going to make me afraid.”

Brook sighed and massaged one of her temples, her eyes going a dark blue. “We are so bad at dealing with sapients in this new world… Forgive us, Navarone. I know that some of your past experiences have made you wary of this statement, but we are still trying to catch up with the way the world is. In our time, water elementals were trusted and revered just for being water elementals and no one would ever even think to be afraid of us, for our touch brought comfort and healing. We realize that is no longer the case, but old habits die hard, so to say. Would you care to discuss this elsewhere, after having time to mentally prepare?”

“Now is fine,” I said. “But like, fuck, dude. I didn’t want to wake up to this. Work on unfucking yourselves.”

“It is easy for Flo and Ice, because they melded very well with their hosts and were able to instantly pick up on habits and social niceties,” Aqua said. “But most of us do not have hosts to passively learn from.”

“Aqua, you’re in Twilight,” I said. “Stop pretending you aren’t. If you don’t want her, don’t feel obligated. It’s not necessary for communication anymore.”

“I did not say I did not want her. I said that Flo and Ice melded very well. I implied that I did not. But that does not mean I do not want my host.”

Yeah, okay buddy. “Whatever. We got way off topic. What do you three want?”

Naiad finally got to the point. “Mist told us she was in love with the fire elemental.”

“She told me the same thing,” I said. “I told her to tell you guys, because I figured it was probably pertinent.”

“Pertinent is not quite the correct word,” Brook said. “If Mist and this fire elemental share love for each other, that is no concern of ours. We are of the opinion that it is odd, but it is not our business. One of our concerns is the… level of passion she displays toward this fire elemental.”

“Yeah, that was kinda weird. But as long as they aren’t stupid when they’re together, that won’t really be a problem.”

“True. But it might inspire jealousy. Which brings us to our second concern. We have not yet told Aerie. We were debating what her response might be. And in the end, we decided it might be best for you to speak to her or her proxy.”

“Her proxy being Pinkie Pie?”

“Yes,” Brook replied with a nod. “We do not consider air elementals to have hosts. Their relationship is very different. You freed Aerie and you are friends with her host.”

“Friend is such a strong word.”

Aqua snorted. “Nav, you’re friends with Pinkie. Stop pretending you aren’t.”

“Go fuck yourself. When do you want me to tell her?”

“Today. Gourd is of the opinion that we will get to Hawaii in about five more days. It is time for Aerie to learn that the first fire elemental she will have seen in quite some time will not be interested in her.”

“Okay. Out of curiosity, is there any particular reason Flo isn’t with you?”

Naiad shrugged. “I believe she was preoccupied. She was not here when we entered.”

“Ah. Well, whatever. I’m used to being abandoned in my time of need.” I finally pulled the covers down and started to stand, only to realize that all three of them had moved a lot closer. “What?”

In response to that, Brook swooped in and hugged me. Her body melded against mine, pressing against me in what was probably supposed to be a very comforting way. “If Flo is failing you, we can speak to her for you,” she said. “If you feel she does not love you as well as she could, one of us would happily love you in her place.”

Are they being serious right now? Flo answered in my head by cackling at me. “I have something else to add to your list of shit to learn,” I said, crossing my arms inside of the elemental. “Figure out how to take a fucking joke, Jesus.”

Brook flinched away from me, her eyes going several colors before one settled on orange and the other settled on green. “O-oh… Well… It would be much easier if I had a host.”

“There are plenty of people here to choose from,” I said with a shrug. “Shouldn’t be hard to find someone willing.”

Naiad shook her head. “We’ve tried. None of the soldiers are interested, none of the crew are interested, and only the two most creepy of the Elements of Harmony are interested.”

“...Pinkie and Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy,” Brook said, shivering slightly. “Both are quite persistent about obtaining one of us. I like enthusiastic hosts, but I’m not quite so sure I want them begging to have one of us inside of them. We take care choosing our hosts and they are not interested in getting to know us well enough to actually make a choice. The naga was insulted when we mentioned it and Gilda liked it right up until we said that we could see her every thought. Kat is getting close with one of our sisters and I believe she will soon be a host. Jak isn’t around enough to talk to, Silver Quill is still uncertain about us, Spike is dangerous to us, Zecora isn’t interested, Taya and Spider are too young, and Doppel is on the fence.”

“Hm. What about Watcher and Gourd specifically?” I asked. “They might could be persuaded to see the appeal, given their leadership positions.”

Naiad shrugged. “They are hard to catch alone. Gourd was open to the idea, but he would need some convincing. Watcher is old enough that it might appeal to him, or he might have accepted that his time is almost here. Of the two of them, Watcher seems closer in nature to me, these days. Brook, would you care to attempt Gourd?”

“I would be happy to, sister. We shall get out of your hair, Nav. My apologies at waking you in such a manner.”

“Work on that,” I said. “I’ll see you three later.”

Naiad and Brook nodded and seeped out of the room, going right under the closed door. Aqua waited until they were gone and smiled. “Did you enjoy yourself as a cat, Navi?” she sweetly asked.

“It was eh. Do you think you’d enjoy being forced to listen to Twilight talk about friendship for hours?”

Her color took a small hit. “There is very little you could do to harm a water elemental, Nav. I very highly suggest you remember that before you seek to torment me emotionally. I can put a very wide array of thoughts into Twilight’s head. You may do unto me, but I will find worse ways to do unto you.”

“Now you see, that just sounds like the right kind of fun on a boring airship trip. Better watch your back, Aqua. I won’t forget this.”

“We shall see.” With that, she opened the door and left, leaving it wide open so anyone could see my nakedness.

Shame was a commodity I had lost a long time ago, so I hopped out of bed and got dressed. Before I could walk out, my daughter entered my room. “Why were all those elementals in here?” she asked.

“They needed to tell me to do something,” I said. “Would you care to join me in doing it?”

“Okay.” She fell in close behind me as I walked on down to Pinkie’s room. Her door was shut and I had no idea if she was in there or even awake, so I politely and somewhat quietly knocked.

The sounds of giggling I quickly heard on the other side told me that she was probably there. When it opened, that definitely confirmed it. She opened it just enough to peer around, and her smile grew even wider when she realized it was me and she threw it open. Then she noticed Taya and a look of horror replaced that look of joy and she very rapidly jumped out, pulling the door shut behind her.

Hopefully it was in time to stop my daughter from seeing what was on the other side. Rainbow Dash was on the bed and horrifically engorged by a water elemental pulsing around inside of her. A look of pure pleasure was on her face and she was drooling all over the bed.

Surprisingly, Pinkie was actually blushing when she composed herself enough to speak. “H-how can I h-help you, Navi?” she nervously asked.

My eyes slowly moved down to my daughter, who was staring at the door in a mix of shock and interest. My eyes slowly moved back up to Pinkie, who had gone from nervous to sheepish.

“Taya, summon me a newspaper.” Her horn lit up and a newspaper appeared. Her eyes never left the door. I grabbed it, rolled it up, and slapped Pinkie with it. “Bad pony!”

“I didn’t mean to!” I slapped her again. “Owie!”

“Let’s go to my room for a second,” I said, pointing that way with the newspaper. Pinkie sighed and hung her head, then started marching. I followed, then stopped and looked back at my daughter, who was still just standing in front of the door. “Coming, Taya?”

She gulped and shivered. “Yes, mommy,” she happily said, turning to follow.

I shook my head and herded them both into my room before entering and closing the door behind me. “Alright, ignoring all of that. Pinkie, I have some information for Aerie.”

“Uh… Okay. What do you have for her, Navi?”

“The fire elemental we’re going to get is named Blaze and Mist is his lover.”

Pinkie tilted her head slightly. “Why would Aerie—”

My window exploded inward and I got thrown against a wall, then wind started roaring in my ears. “THAT WATERY SLUT IS NO ONES LOVER!”

“Hey, you wanna get mad at someone, I ain’t it!” I yelled over the wind. It slowly died down until a small tornado appeared in the center of my room.

It snatched the newspaper I dropped and she adopted that as her face, using the paper to pantomime speech. “Where is that whore?” she hissed, venom dripping from her newspaper tongue.

“No clue. Probably somewhere on the side of the ship, where they usually congregate. Please don’t destroy anything.”

Aerie howled and the tornado got sucked out of the window. When the last of the noise was gone, the window pulled shut and sealed behind her.

“Man, bitches be fucking trippin’,” I sighed, shaking my head.

“I guess that’s why Aerie would care,” Pinkie mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. Her hair was completely windswept, which honestly didn’t make it look much worse from its typical poofiness. She shrugged and a smile came right back to her face. “Do you wanna join us, Navi? Flo is teaching Dashie and me all kinds of fun things!”

“Pass, for now,” I said. “I’m going to shower, eat, and try to beat the shit out of the naga with a stick. You have fun, though.”

“We will! See ya, Navi!” She happily trotted out, then skipped down the hall.

Flo, you fucking slut. She giggled darkly at me. I shook my head and started looking for a towel. “You interested in practicing shit with me after I shower and eat?” I asked my daughter.

“I uh… I think Twilight needed my help today!”

“Oh. Then I’ll see you when I see you, dear,” I said, bending down to hug her real quick. She followed me to the door and used magic to close it behind us.

When we were an estimated three days away from Hawaii, Watcher called a meeting with me, Gourd, and Brook. Twilight happened to be taking a break from her evil necromantic magic and joined us as well, though I didn’t figure she’d be very useful. We met in the large map room, of course.

“Ship’s flying fine,” Gourd said when we were all situated. “No mechanical or magical issues to report. Supplies are still doing good and Black Fate assured me everypony is still in good health.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said with a nod.

“Quick question,” Twilight hastily said. “I’ve been wondering this for a while. Why is our medic nicknamed Black Fate? Doesn’t that sound kinda… I dunno, bad?”

“It’s a long story,” Watcher said. “It ends with him using medical knowledge and an obscure chemical to blow up the heart of a diamond dog gangster who was threatening the temporary clinic he was operating in the middle of a gang war down in what Nav calls Mexico. What’s our plan for Hawaii?”

“We’ll stop when we get close and send in scouts,” I said. “I was thinking of sending Gilda to scout deeper into the island from up high and have your scouts check out the areas close to where we’ll be coming in. If we determine there’s nothing sapient there, we’ll begin pushing in until we get to where the fire is. Your scouts will fan out ahead of us as we move in, making sure we don’t come up on anything bad.”

“Is there any particular reason you’re sending Gilda?” Watcher asked.

“She has really good eyesight and I think she can fly higher than your ponies can. She can get high in the air and scout ahead. If she finds anything, she can come back to the ship and let us know, so we can proceed more cautiously.”

“You could use us,” Brook said. “Most land-based sapient species live near water. We can scout along the coasts and down any rivers we might find. Judging from the last known size of Hawaii, I believe we can have all of the area explored within one day. It’ll likely be larger now, so it might take longer. It would give you more time to carefully comb the land, so you do not overextend.”

“There’s a reason you didn’t do that in Africa,” I said, crossing my arms. “Zecora’s voodoo bullshit spooked you. What’s different now?”

“It’s a small island,” Brook said, her eyes going brown. “And we will be splitting up. Should we find anything, the chances of being seen are small and if we are, we can easily escape into the ocean. It is possible that we find something that can threaten us, but I believe the possibility so low that the risk is worth taking.”

“Then I’ll let you take it,” I replied with a nod. “I’m not going to rush headlong into this. I will give you and your sisters three days when we get there. Faster would be better, but we should have enough information to begin moving by the third day. Watcher, thoughts?”

“Spike can also scout. I believe that his eyes see heat signatures, so if there’s anything living under tree cover, he could probably see them.”

“And his scales are tough enough that he’d be protected from anything small,” I said. “We’ll send him with one of your scouts.”

“He can see heat signatures?” Twilight asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

“My people called it infrared,” I said, shrugging. “Anything that puts off heat, like mammals or engines, has a heat signature. Things that see in infrared see the heat signature. They don’t necessarily see the object itself, just the heat it puts off. I think dragons mostly see in infrared with a small amount of regular visible spectrum tossed in. That would let them be really good at spotting prey under trees, but it would also let them know that there are actually trees in the way so they don’t get impaled trying to get dinner. There’s no telling how many colors he can actually see. I know at least green, because he’s commented on my eyes before.”

“...That explains some things,” Twilight slowly said. “How did you know this but I didn’t?”

“I dunno. He explained how he saw things to me and I just worked it out from there.”

“Same for me,” Watcher said. “I didn’t have a word for it, though. I believe there is a spell out there that gives you similar vision, but I don’t know it.”

“I do,” Gourd said. “But I never knew it was how dragons saw things. And I don’t know what it’s called. They made us learn it to… Well, they made us learn it. It’s very effective at picking up ponies on a ship’s deck, but you can’t use it to find fish.” He shrugged. “I haven’t used it in a while.”

“Think you can teach some of my unicorns?” Watcher asked.

“I believe I can, but it only works on the unicorn who cast it. There might be another version that works on other ponies.”

“If you teach me, I can figure it out,” Twilight said. “Once you learn enough about spell structures, it’s not usually too difficult to modify them slightly. It’ll take a little bit of experimentation, but nothing dangerous.”

“A lot of your experimentation is dangerous,” I muttered, rubbing my backside. Watcher used magic to summon a rolled up magazine and smacked me with it. “Hey, I meant her necromantic stuff!”

“Sure you did, ma’am,” he gruffly replied. “Let’s get back on topic. If we find anything hostile, what do we do?”

“Depends. If it’s sapient, we can try to talk to it first. There’s no telling what might be there and I’d rather not make a species extinct if I don’t have to. But if it’s not sapient or it decides it doesn’t wanna talk, we kill whatever’s there. I’m not going to risk losing people to try to play nice with a bunch of insane locals. If we run into sapients that aren’t hostile, we talk to them only if necessary and send a note to Celestia so it can be her problem.”

“Fluttershy’s good at pacifying monsters,” Twilight said, shifting slightly. “If it’s a hostile non-sapient creature, we could probably use her to temper it. Or we could just use magic to hold it back. There’s no need to risk fully killing off a rare species, Nav.”

“How many species have we run into so far that can use some weird creepy magic shit that can flow around your spells?” I asked. “Like, what, three? Four, if you count demons. You wanna risk number five being the one that actually gets to nibble on someone, Twilight? And are you willing to put Fluttershy at risk by trusting her skills to work on something that’s probably never seen a pony in the entire time it’s been a species?”

She resolutely nodded. “I trust my friends, Nav. And I want you to trust them, too. If you don’t respect the ponies themselves, respect what they represent. We are the elements of harmony. I believe that the magic that is inside each of us will pull through, regardless of where we are or what situation we’re in.”

I looked at Watcher. He looked at me. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let Fluttershy get eaten because Twilight said it would be okay?” I asked. Twilight started grumbling.

“You have three witnesses that will testify you gave her plenty of warning,” he replied with a shrug. “She can be mad at Twilight all she wants, but we’ll all back you up.”

I looked back at Twilight. “Fluttershy can do her thing, if we run into a pissed off non-sapient creature. I don’t suppose you have any thoughts on how to deal with a pissed off sapient creature?”

“Um. Generosity, maybe?”

I looked at Watcher. He looked at me. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let…” I paused and looked back at Twilight. “Which one’s generosity again?” She just face-hoofed. I shrugged and looked back at Watcher. “How pissed would Celestia be if I let Generosity get killed because Twilight said it would be okay?”

“I think you’re covered, ma’am,” he said.

I looked back at Twilight. “Generosity can do her thing, if we run into pissed off sapient creatures. But really though, which one is Generosity?”

“Ugh, Rarity!”

“...Seriously?” She kicked me and then stalked away, still angrily grumbling. Oh man, my body is going to seriously regret that tonight. Can’t wait. “So are we all set?” I asked, looking back at my group of intelligent followers.

“If it ever becomes pertinent, I’m assigning guards to Rarity and Fluttershy,” Watcher said. “Given that half the purpose of this journey is to find the missing Elements of Harmony, I’m sure that Celestia respects their power and believes that they have special abilities. But on the flipside, half the purpose of this journey is to find the missing Elements of Harmony because something evil and discordant was able to steal them, so I have a healthy dose of skepticism regarding their actual abilities.”

“Agreed,” I said with a nod. “Brook, think you can get a sister to tail them as well? Doesn’t have to be overt or anything, just a friend to watch their back.”

“Happily,” she said with a nod, her eyes turning pink. “A few of us quite like Rarity. And a few of us can stand Fluttershy.”

“Then I think everything is settled. Primary plan is make friends if possible. Backup plan is kill fucking everything if not. Any last minute objections or thoughts?”

All I got was a few heads being shaken. Finally, Watcher said, “I think we’ve planned for all likely scenarios. Everything should go well.”

“Here’s hoping,” I said with a nod.

Everything did not go well.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Eight — Hawaii

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Eight — Hawaii

The day we got to Hawaii was a very grey one. It was windy and there were light showers across as much of the island as I could see. Nothing too serious and nothing that any of us figured might delay our plans. Truth be told, we figured that might help us, since it could mean fewer locals out and about to be on the lookout.

But all the same, I didn’t wanna get fucking wet, so as soon as the first of the islands came into view, I called for a meeting of Brook, Gourd, Watcher, and all the scouts in the meeting room that had been getting a lot more use.

When everyone was in place, I began addressing them from my seat in the command chair. “Alright guys, you should know the basic plan by now. Gilda, you’re going high and far.”

She nodded, her avian eyes glittering with some manner of sadistic glee. “That just means I get first dibs on tasting whatever’s living here.”

“First, that’s super creepy. Second, I want you to avoid combat if at all possible. I know you’re not going to listen to that if you find a decent scrap, so I want you to avoid getting in combat with something overwhelming. You can’t come back and brag to everyone if you don’t come back.”

Gilda chuckled and spread one of her talons to show it off. “I bet these babies can slice up any local that wants to pick a fight with me!”

Why the fuck did I agree to… Never mind. I just shook my head and moved on. “Spike, you’re paired up with Shadow on this one.”

“Shouldn’t I go with Gilda?” he asked. “I can get as high as she can and—”

“No you should not,” I immediately said. “Shadow, take him above the trees. Fog, Nightshade, you two stay on the beaches. Gilda, you can go as far as you want, but report back in every four hours. Shadow, keep the ocean in view. Nightshade, keep the ship in sight.”

My soldiers all saluted. When they did, Spike flinched and then hastily followed suit. Gilda snorted and shook her head.

Watcher used magic to slap Spike. “You aren’t a soldier, Spike. Don’t salute.”

“Uh… Alright, Watcher. Um, why not?”

“Because he said so,” I replied. “Now stop asking questions unless they’re pertinent to not getting killed by locals. Alright, Brook, you guys do your thing.”

“Most of us are girls, actually,” she said.

“I absolutely do not care.” She stuck a watery tongue out at me, so I stopped feeding her any attention. “Try to regroup with each other every two or so hours so Flo, Aqua, and Ice can talk to us here on the ship and let us know what you’ve found.” She rolled her eyes and nodded. “Once we determine the land is safe enough to begin pushing in, the ship will follow behind Shadow and Spike. Nightshade and Fog, you’ll stay on our sides to keep an eye out for things when we start pushing in. Does everyone understand their assignments?” Nods all around, though some were more hesitant than others. “Does anyone other than Spike have questions?” This time, all the heads but Spike’s shook. “Then get to work.”

Just about everyone began filing out. Soon, it was just me and a very nervous looking Spike in the room. “C-can I… Can I ask a question now?” he slowly asked.

“Yes, Spike, you can ask one question now.”

“Why can’t I go with Gilda?”

“Because you’ll be more focused on having sex with her than you will be on the mission.”

“...Oh.”

He stood there, clacking his claws together for several long, awkward seconds.

“You’re dismissed, Spike.” His eyes opened wide and he hastily nodded, then scampered away. “Flo, you mind keeping me apprised of the situation?”

“Of course, Nav. Most of us actually already left the ship. We knew what we would be doing and didn’t see a reason to wait. So far, it seems like a fairly standard tropical island, though my team hasn’t started going up a river yet.”

“Well, let me know. I figure it’s only fair I get to play the knight in shining armor for once.”

She giggled and replied, “You play damsel in distress too well for that, silly!”

Further banter was cut off by Rainbow Dash bursting into the planning room, struggling to slip on her boots. She got about a meter into the room before face planting and sending most of her armor scattering across the floor. “Am I late?!” she yelled, jumping back up and ignoring the fact that her helmet was somehow on sideways.

“Yes. Late and uninvited. Dash, you’re part of the night crew on this one. Why are you here?”

“I thought I… Wait, what? How am I… Nav, I can’t see at night!”

“Twilight’s got you covered,” I said, waving a hand. She hung her head and probably had a despondent expression on her face under the metal helmet. “God, hold still.” I walked over there and yanked the helmet off, then set it on her head properly. “Why are you here?”

“You… You said if I trained with the guards, I could work with them… I wanted to scout! I thought that if you weren’t gonna invite me, I could show initiative and get assigned to go out anyway!”

“Well, I appreciate the enthusiasm, even if it was unnecessary. We’ll have three ponies in the air tonight, Dash. You’re gonna be one of them. Didn’t you read the roster?”

“...The what now?”

I slowly ran a hand down my face, then sighed. “Alright, just about every time we have something planned, we post a roster at least twenty-four hours in advance in front of Watcher’s door. This lists off who is going to be doing what and when, so they’ll know what and when to prepare. Tonight, you are going to be assigned with the other two pegasus guards. You’ll be hit with a spell that gives you a unique eyesight. You and the others will fly close patterns around the ship to make sure nothing hostile approaches.”

She got a slightly confused look on her face and for a second I honestly thought her eyes were just going to flash with a sign that said PROCESSING. Finally, she blinked a few times and asked, “Why wouldn’t you just send me out today?”

“Ask Watcher. He assigned the teams. Maybe because he wanted to see how you’d handle following orders from another guard. Maybe because he wanted to see how you’d operate at night. Maybe because he wanted to see if you were actually reading the roster. I don’t fucking care why. You’re going to go out tonight, you are going to follow the orders you are given, you are going to scout with cool dragon eyes, and you aren’t going to bitch about it. Now pick up this armor and go get some rest. You have a long night ahead of you.”

“...Wait, what do you mean, dragon eyes?”

“The spell gives you vision like a dragon’s. That means you’ll see like they do. You want more information, ask Twilight. Or Spike, when he gets back.”

“Huh. That sounds super cool! Do you think she could cast it on me now?”

“I dunno, probably? That’s something you should ask her, not me.” She grinned and tried jumping for the door, but I snatched her tail and forced her to stop, though it felt like it about wrenched my arm out of its socket. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere until you pick up this mess, missy.”

She stopped struggling against me and looked around. Pieces of her armor were scattered everywhere. “Oh yeah…” She started picking it up and actually putting it back on. After a second of thought, I figured that would probably be the easiest way to carry it, since she didn’t have hands or a bag to put it in.

While she was doing that, Flo tapped me on the brain or something to get my attention. “Now might be a good time to mention that the elementals find her creepy, by the way,” she told me.

I backed up to the table and leaned against it, then crossed my arms. “I had a talk with Brook a few days ago, by the way,” I said.

“That’s the big bad elemental that hurt Spike, right?” Dash asked. It came out kinda muffled since she was currently holding a boot in her mouth so she could try to put it on, but I understood enough of it.

“She is the leader of the elementals that made a few mistakes and apologized for them,” I said. “But that’s not the point. She told me you are interested in becoming a host.”

Her head shot toward me, throwing another boot across the room and cracking a wooden chair. She paid it no mind. “Yeah! Can you order her or one of them to make me a host?!”

“No. Waters choose their hosts with much care. For the most part, they only make hosts out of those they trust and feel they could come to love. Because of that, they try to get to know prospective hosts very well before agreeing. Brook told me that you were attempting to skip that step.”

She guffawed and waved a wing. “That takes too long. I’m not getting younger, Nav! I wanna live forever so I can get even more awesome at flying!”

“Do you want kids?” I asked.

She froze for a few seconds, then continued what she was doing much slower. “I dunno. I never really thought about it. Why? Does an elemental in you make that harder or something?”

“Kids are a lifelong commitment, Dash. Are they something you’d want to rush into with a random stallion you met on the side of the road?”

“Of course not! That’s—”

“The same as asking every elemental to make you a host,” I said.

“But I’m a lesbian. Stallions are… ugh! At least the water things are girls!”

“You’re missing the point, Dash!” Surprise surprise. “This is a lifelong commitment. A much longer life, in this case. They can see your every thought, feel your every mood, take control every now and then, and will change how you view the world over time. Do you want that to be someone you aren’t compatible with? Or do you want to get to know the elemental before you make the choice to have them inside of you for hundreds of years? Because you can’t just get the longer life and better healing, Dash. You get an individual inside of you, a permanent companion. You want that to be someone you like, not someone you find yourself hating.”

She finally stopped hunting for armor and actually sat on the floor to stare at me. After several long moments of that, her head tilted slightly. “How long did you know yours before becoming her host?”

“That’s a poor example. But for the record, about half an hour. Maybe a full hour. And it was a hard transition. A very hard one. We still butt heads, occasionally. You remember how I was when I got to Equestria, though. How much have I changed since then?”

“A lot. You were a much bigger jerk back then.”

“The more different you are from your elemental, the more you change. If everything was reset and I had to pick from any elemental, there’s a pretty good chance that Flo wouldn’t be my first choice.” I’m actually very surprised that she did not hit me or even comment on that. “Ice and Smiles are the best example. Ice got to meet everyone on the ship. He found a few he liked more than others and spent more time with them until he narrowed it down. He made the offer and now Smiles is a host and they’re happy together.”

“Wait, together together? Or, like, friends?”

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Point is, speak to the elementals. Get to know them. Let them get to know you. The real you, not just that you’re desperate to live forever or whatever. They want hosts, not to be used. They want companions. Coming at them as you are is just going to upset them and drive them off.”

Her ears dropped and she looked away. “Did uh… Did Brook tell you that?”

“She said you were being creepy. I didn’t ask for details. I want you to be happy, Dash. And I want them to be happy. So drop the bullshit and just be yourself around them.”

She sighed and hung her head. Her helmet slid off and hit the floor because it wasn’t strapped on. “Alright, Nav…”

“Good. Now stop throwing your fucking armor everywhere. Jesus. That shit’s heavy.”

“Ugh. You’re telling me! I’m the one wearing it!”

“No you’re not, it’s all over the fucking room. Clean this shit up and go to bed, Dash.”

She finally hopped up and saluted. The hoof she was saluting with had a boot. It was looser than she thought and went flying right past my head. “Yes ma’am!” With that, she got back to work and I finally left before she managed to brain me, just shaking my head and wondering which elemental she’d try to molest next.

Leaving that room put me out on the deck. It was still raining, but the balloon kept the worst of it off. Since we were still above the ocean and not expecting any trouble until we began moving inland, Fluttershy and Rarity were on the deck, looking out toward the island. Kat and Spider were near them, pretending to practice. But from the glances Kat occasionally sent at the two mares, I figured she was there to keep an eye on them in case something happened and they didn’t react quickly enough. The non-flying members of Nightshade’s squad were on deck throwing dice. Zecora was hoofing Doppel a potion. Something inside of me told me I should be concerned about that, but I pushed it down and just walked to the very tip of the ship to stare at the island.

I want to say that Hawaii had changed with the years, but I had never seen it to begin with, so that didn’t really mean much. We also didn’t have it mapped yet, so I had no clue how the terrain would compare to what it was in my day. At the moment, what I could see of the place was actually pretty nice. It looked like a fairly typical jungle with crystal clear ocean water, a pure white beach, and what we figured was a volcano way in the distance.

From what I heard, the common theory is that we’d find our guy in that volcano. Personally, I doubted it would be that volcano, but that it would be a volcano. My guess is that our guy would be in a volcano that was spouting all kinds of toxic fumes and possibly even lava, because we’re not allowed to have nice things and the trip had been too easy so far.

My universal musings were interrupted by mares appearing on both of my sides. Fluttershy warmly pressed up against my right side and Rarity stood close to my left. “Why don’t we just fly over all of it?” Rarity asked. “Surely the ship could get high enough!”

“Because we gotta get low eventually to pick up the fire,” I said. “And I’d rather pacify whatever threat there might be when we can work as a team, not when our attentions are divided by dealing with the fire. We could fly over everything, but then we wouldn’t know what was there and we wouldn’t be able to deal with it before it became a problem.”

“Do you think there’s anypony here that would want to hurt us?” Fluttershy asked, pressing against me a little more.

“Any pony? No. Anything? Probably. You know a lot about animals. How many ecosystems have you ever seen evolve that didn’t have natural predators?”

She looked at the island for a few seconds before shrugging. “Predators might not want to hurt us, though!”

“And if they try, you get to tell them no,” I said with a pat on her head. “Twilight told me I had to give you a chance to talk any predators down before I just have someone make it explode.”

“I’d be happy to make a new friend!” she replied excitedly, looking up at me with a large smile. “Especially if it means we won’t have to hurt anything.”

Rarity chuckled and said, “I’m more worried about running into locals, personally. Twilight informed me that I have been placed in charge of first contact, should they prove to be less than understanding of our goals here. I’d be quite delighted if our trip here was entirely uneventful.”

“You and me both,” I sighed, shaking my head. “If shit hits the fan and either of you are needed, you’ll be assigned a guard squad. Probably Black Fate and Grey Boulder, if I had to guess.”

“That’s the… medic and the instructor, right?” Rarity asked. I nodded. “Well, Grey Boulder is certainly a charming fellow. And while I’m not a fan of his name, Black Fate is very calming and definitely collected. I believe that if I should I be required to entrust my life to somepony, they would both be good choices.”

“Bet it doesn’t hurt that you think they’re both handsome, huh?” I asked.

“That is certainly a positive,” she said with a very matter-of-fact tone. “I believe it would be good to have a strong, protective stallion in Fluttershy’s life.” That made the mare pressing against me squeak in shock. “Despite hoping they’re not needed, I almost hope they end up getting assigned to us…”

“Well, there’s nothing stopping you from talking to them anyway,” I replied with a shrug. “Grey’s asleep, but Black is, like, right over there.”

“I believe that would be wise, actually,” Rarity said. “It would put my mind more at ease to know more about the guards with whom I will be entrusting my life. Would you care to join me, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, no. I already trust them. Nav wouldn’t assign them to us if he thought they might let us down!”

“That’s definitely true,” I said. “But it might still be a good idea for them to know more about you than your name. Guards are required to protect you. Friends are happy to watch your back. It may not sound like much of a difference, but it definitely is.”

She shrugged. “I’ll talk to them later, if that’s okay. I really like the view. I never thought I’d get to see a place like this!”

“That’s certainly the upside of adventuring,” I said with a nod. “Jungles, tundras, taigas, mountains, deserts, caves, ancient ruins, forests, new cities… It’s not all boring and bad. I hope one day, Applejack will come to see at least a few of the positives. I know she’s miserable here.”

“Applejack is a... very family-oriented mare,” Rarity said, obviously choosing her words carefully. “She believes that her place is with them, on the farm, and that abandoning them is akin to betraying them.”

“Well, I’m of the opinion that she’s not needed,” I said. “Most of you aren’t. Given the choice, I’d’ve left all of you in the Crystal Kingdom.”

“We’re here for a purpose,” Fluttershy said, her voice actually taking on some force. “Princess Celestia wouldn’t have told us to come if there wasn’t a reason! And as the Elements of Harmony, we have to help protect Equestria.”

“You may not think it of us, Nav, but we are heroes,” Rarity said. “We have very different methods and I believe you may have done more than us at this point, but that does not detract from what we are capable of. You have not kept us very far in the loop with a lot of information about this… Discord fellow, but we have gleaned enough to know that it is very important that he be stopped. It is our place as Elements of Harmony to stand with the other great heroes of Equestria to protect everypony! Some of us are less pleased with it than others, but we’re still going to do our duty regardless.”

“I’m well aware, Rarity. But how much can you really do without the actual artifacts? Hell, you still haven’t gotten yours back, have you?”

“...No. And I honestly don’t know. But the artifacts merely focus our underlying power, according to Twilight. It’s still within us and it can still come out, but directing it is difficult. That is one reason Fluttershy is confident while I am nervous.”

“You found mine in South Equestria,” Fluttershy proudly said, rocking side to side while still pressing against me. “I kinda wonder what it was doing there…”

“And I wonder where we’ll find mine,” Rarity said. “I believe we’re rapidly running out of destinations, are we not?”

“We still have three more after this,” I said. “I know at least one of those will be incredibly dangerous and I’ll do my best to leave you two behind.”

Rarity scoffed and dismissively waved a hoof. “It can’t be that bad, not after some of the places we’ve been!”

“We’re going to Tartarus.”

“Well, I’ve been mistaken in the past. We’re going to be returning to Canterlot before we go, right? I believe paying a visit to a lawyer might be wise…”

“I’m pretty sure Silver Quill can write you a will, Rarity.”

“Then I believe I shall go pay her a visit. I will see you both later.” She casually walked away, head held high. Something told me that was a front and she was probably more than a little worried about being headed to pony hell. To be fair, I was also more than a little worried about being headed to pony hell, so I couldn’t judge her.

That left me alone with Flutterbutter. She placed her forelegs on the railing and lifted herself up so she could get a better view. When she was situated, she sighed in delight. I thought about mentioning the fact that she had wings, but then I remembered that I literally just sent soldiers out to scout for danger and telling her to go flying would be kinda stupid.

Since I already had the elemental talk with Rainbow Dash, I figured it was only fair that I had it with Fluttershy as well. “So Brook told me you were interested in becoming a host,” I calmly said.

“Oh, yes!” she happily replied. “I remember when I was alone after… After I was ponynapped by Trixie. But you let me keep Flo, so I didn’t feel alone at all!”

“Part of becoming a full and complete person is learning how to feel at ease by yourself, Fluttershy.”

“I know… I’m usually happy to be by myself, but I never… I never feel brave when I’m alone, Nav. I need somepony else with me to feel courage. A water elemental would always be with me. They’re so loving and nice and motherly… If I had one inside me, I would have to be brave to protect them! And they could talk to me and be my friend. When Flo was with me, we talked about you a little, Nav. The way she feels about you is how I’ve wanted somepony to feel about me all my life. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t stop myself from wanting it…”

“The reason Brook told me is because you were worrying some of the sisters. The details weren’t my business, so I didn’t ask. But water elementals choose their hosts very carefully. Try not to come off as desperate. They want companions, not to feel like they’re just saving you from something all the time. And while they do want to help you better yourself, they don’t want you to rely totally on them. You still have to be your own individual; you can’t let yourself revolve around your elemental. And while they will probably come to love you, they don’t want to feel obligated to love you because that’s what you expect of them.”

“I… I thought… The way Flo described it, the two of you changed each other so much that you became perfect for each other. I thought that’s how it was supposed to be!”

“We are a very special case,” I said, gently stroking her back. “She was desperate and I was her only way out. We established what we have only after a few years of working things out. Most elementals want that kind of relationship at the start. They want to know they’ll be compatible with their hosts as-is. They don’t want to have to change themselves to fit you better. So if you want to become a host, let the elementals get to really know you, and get to really know them. You’ll both be happier and better off in the long run.”

She stayed silent for a few very long seconds before actually turning her head to me. “It sounds like you gave up a lot to help Flo, Nav.”

“Anyone who accepts an elemental gives up a lot, Fluttershy.” She continued staring at me. I sighed and looked back at the island. “But you’re right. I did give up more than most.”

“If you have one in you for so long is it… impossible to be away from her for long? I know some creatures that have symbiosis can’t survive away from their partners.”

“Yeah, you can give them up with no issue. It’s just lonely, after having that constant presence. You’re definitely right: It’s comforting to always have someone with you. They give advice, they help you solve problems, they’re good friends, and they have a whole host of health benefits. But you can’t just rush into it. Get to know them and all that. Think of it like a relationship. You can be acquaintances with anyone, but true lifelong friendship requires compatibility and really knowing each other. Or you can just fuck anyone you meet, but getting to know someone and falling in love with them is a lot harder and requires someone special. You need to find the elemental that’s right for you, and let them realize you’re right for them. So basically, just really get to know them.”

She sighed softly and looked back to the island. “You’re right, Nav,” she quietly replied. “Now that I think about it, it really is a lot like finding a real special somepony. I’d be dedicating my entire life to having one…”

“Yep. So finding the right one makes things a lot easier.”

“Hmm… Maybe I’ll go talk to one or two of them now, if they’re available.”

“They’re not. Right now, all the waters are scouting. You could talk to Twilight or Smiles, though. They have waters in them and might have other advice to give you.”

A familiar voice from behind said, “I’d be happy to answer any questions.” We both turned and beheld Twilight Sparkle herself. “I’m sure Aqua would, too. But before that, I had a question for Nav.”

“Let’s hear it,” I said with a nod.

“If we happen to have time and we find that the island is safe, can we stop at a volcano? I’ve read reports that say volcanos are the largest founts of Earth magic in the world. I’d like to spend a few hours studying one to see what I can find.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” I replied with a shrug. “But don’t set the fucker off. The last thing I want to do is try to outrun a pissed off volcano with this ship.”

“That certainly won’t be my intention,” she said, nodding. “Though a relatively active one would likely have more magic in it. If there’s one like that here and you think it’s safe, I’d prefer that one.”

“We’ll see. That’s getting ahead of ourselves, anyway. This place is probably crawling with murderous little bastards that think ponies and humans are super tasty. You know we aren’t allowed to have nice things, Twilight.”

“Oh? You seemed to think what I was doing to you last night was a pretty nice thing…” Of course, that made Fluttershy squeak.

“Thank you for doing my laundry, Twilight.” I fucking hate doing laundry. Socks always go missing, even when I do it by hand. Letting someone magically clean it is much better.

“That’s not what I… Never mind. What kind of questions did you have, Fluttershy?”

“And on that note, I need to head below,” I said. “Gotta put on armor in case shit gets hairy. I’ll see you two ladies later.”

“Nav, this ship is always hairy,” Twilight said. “Pinkie and Rarity shed all the time, especially when Rarity runs out of her special shampoo.”

“Twilight, the next time you get overly literal with me, I am going to kiss you right on the fucking mouth.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to kiss me left on the mouth? Or maybe—” She had to stop talking, because my tongue was suddenly occupying her mouth.

A few seconds later, I pulled back. “Keep it real, ladies.”

I started walking away, but Twilight said, “It’s hard not to stay real, Nav. We exist, so we’re always—” Once again, she found her mouth occupied by an intruder.

This time, when I’ll pulled back, I said, “I’ll see you ladies later.”

Before I could even turn away, Twilight said, “Technically speaking, it’s always later. You can’t really say you’ll see some—” I’m ashamed to say that it took about four more iterations of that for me to finally escape. Not only did Twilight not learn her lesson, she managed to get more annoying.

So the last time, I just left after kissing her. Neither of them said anything, though I think Fluttershy was blushing.

When I got to my room, I fell onto the bed. I didn’t really have any plans of putting on armor, at least not at the moment. Getting away from Fluttershy was the goal, and pawning her off on Twilight was a decent enough way to do that. My scouts would be gone for at least three more hours and our ship wasn’t going to move until they all reported back, so there was no reason to get prepared for battle immediately.

Compared to the bed I had in Canterlot, the one in the cabin was pretty terrible. The clouds in it helped a little, but it was still small and unpleasant. It made cuddling a lot more intimate, but that’s about it. But compared to standing out on a windy deck with bothersome miniature horses everywhere, it was heaven.

Of course, since I made the mistake of not closing my door, my heaven was interrupted by the most adorable daughter I’ve ever had. The proper thing for me to say is that she made it better since she’s my daughter and I love her.

I’m a very improper person.

She let herself in and used magic to shut the door behind her. “Are you alright, mommy?” she asked as she walked up to the bed.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“You’re lying down. I thought something might be wrong.”

“Well, I don’t have any chairs in here. Lying down is better than standing.”

“Usually you have a book or you’re writing or on the laptop. You don’t usually just… I don’t know, lie here in the dark.”

I blinked a few times and then looked up at the light. Turns out, it was off. “I didn’t even realize. I’m fine, just… bored, I guess. We’re pretty much just going to be sitting here until our scouts get back. Until they do, I don’t really have much to do.”

“Why didn’t you join them?”

“I was bad at flying before I got a demon wing. I’d slow our scouts down and get in the way. My days of being useful in the air are over.”

She hopped up on the bed and sat on me. “That sounds very pessimistic, mommy.”

“Sometimes, pessimism and realism go hand in hand. Am I comfortable?”

“No, but you’re comforting.” She used magic to grip the demon wing and slowly spread it out to its fullest. “Back when I was first learning magic, I… hurt you. A lot. Do you remember what you told me?”

That was a long time ago, shortly after I found her and got her to Equestria. I hadn’t really thought too much about it. “I dunno. Something about not hurting people, maybe?”

She just sat there for several long and uncomfortable seconds. “It’s… weird, mommy. To one person, something can be so important, so profound, that they try to live according to it every day. But to someone else, it’s just… I don’t know, a passing moment. Something they just said. That entire event… changed me, mommy. It changed who I was, how I thought, how I looked at you and the world… And you don’t even remember it.”

“I was in a whole lot of pain, Taya.”

“It’s not just that, mommy. You cause change. You make people think. And it seems like half the time, you don’t even seem to realize it. Sometimes you’re really irresponsible.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, Taya: Adults are just grown up children. No one gives us a manual on how to behave or what to say or do. We’re just muddling through it like everyone else. So yeah, sometimes I am a little bit irresponsible. Sometimes I say things without thinking.”

She sighed and shook her head. “What I was getting at is that you can’t just give up and call it a lost cause, mommy. This is your wing now. You have to learn how to fly with it. You really have to practice. You have the ability and the skill. Giving up is beneath you.”

“I can fly. But barely. Practice isn’t going to make a shitty situation better. That’s like telling a man with a broken leg to walk it off. The only solution I have is cutting them both off and hoping they regrow into something that can get me into the air. And at the moment, barely flying is better than being unable to fly.”

“Even if it means you’re not useful when you’re flying?”

“It means I can get from the ship to the ground much faster, where I can proceed to be useful.”

Her head tilted slightly and she used some magic to float one of my large knives over. “If I promised to always stay with you and teleport you wherever you wanted to fly, would you let me cut them off so they can grow back big and strong?”

“First, that’s horrifying. Second, that’s morbid. Third, I would let Flo do it, because she can make sure it’s completely painless. Fourth, why is it even that big of a deal?”

“Mommy, I walked in and found you lying here in the dark, moping about how you can’t be useful or fly around. You’re so used to flying now that taking it away from you or making it harder isn’t fair. What’s a few months of letting me help you? I’d be happy to, if it meant you were happy.”

Those are better reasons than I was expecting, at least. “When I think we’ll have a month of down time, maybe,” I said. “But now’s a bad time. Shit might be getting fucked here pretty soon and I’ll need all the mobility I can get. For now, shitty wings are better than no wings.” Her face got all frowny and mopey. “And don’t think it’s because I don’t trust you, Taya. When it’s time, I’ll be relying heavily on you. But that time isn’t here yet. So for now, just chillax and take my word for it that I wasn’t moping. I was just enjoying a moment of silence and stillness in a world so often full of noise and movement.”

She floated the knife back to its place and then joined me on the bed instead of just sitting on me. Given her silence, I assumed she either needed a moment herself or respected the fact that I did. Since she was a pony, I was going with the second one.

Despite untold amounts of time passing, Hawaii didn’t really grow all that much. The main difference is that instead of being a chain of islands, it was now just a single island. That made things easier in some ways and harder in others. Easier, because it meant we had to scout less. Harder, because if we found any problems on the island, we’d have to deal with them instead of just moving to the correct island.

Around the time all the scouts were supposed to be checking in, Flo and her sisters finally had something interesting to report. “We found crude boats on the far side of the island, Nav,” she said in my head. “Looks like intelligent life takes the pot.”

“Just because there was doesn’t mean there still is,” I replied, sitting up. “You got any details, or do you just see boats?”

“Just boats, for now. We wanted to circle the entire island before heading in. There’s no river here, so we believe that the inhabitants will likely be close.”

“Or they’re just not worried about anyone stealing their boats. One of you stay there and watch. The rest of you, start looking for a way inland. I’ll tell Watcher what’s up and tell the scouts that we probably have company here. Stay safe.”

“I intend to.”

I finally hopped out of bed and stretched. “Did she find someone?” Taya asked.

“She found boats. Crude ones. That means some kind of intelligent life.”

“So am I gonna get to blow something up?”

“That’s a tossup. Let’s go find Watcher.” She slid off the bed and followed me to the deck. Watcher was talking with Fog and Nightshade. There were a few other unimportant plebeians up there that I ignored. Watcher chose to stop talking when I got close and all three saluted. “The elementals found boats,” I said. “There’s something intelligent out there.”

“Want me to call Shadow in?”

“Yeah. I want everyone to know we got company here. Probably nothing too advanced, but a stone spear will kill you just as well as a metal one.”

“That it will.” His horn lit up bright orange and he shot a flare off the side of the ship. It flew sideways for a while before shooting straight into the sky. “In hindsight, that might not have been the best of ideas.”

“Let’s hope that the locals don’t have any reason to look up,” I sarcastically replied. “But whatever. They’re probably gonna find out we’re here anyway. Better to let them know we’re here and capable of making fire than letting them think we’re easy pickings. Gilda check in yet?”

“No ma’am. It can be hard for fliers to tell time, though.”

My two scouts nodded. “When your bearings are all over the place, it’s really easy to lose track of how far the sun’s moved,” one of them said. “And she’s too fluffy to easily wear a watch.”

“Four hours is four hours,” I said, crossing my arms. “She knows she’s supposed to be checking in and she knows I’m gonna be pissed if she doesn’t. If she isn’t back in another hour, she better have a damn good fucking reason. If she’s not back in two, we’re assuming something happened and we’ll start moving in. If we still have no sign of her in four hours, we’re going full alert and assuming the locals are hostile. And if we find out they hurt her, talking to them goes out the window.”

“Is Gilda worth that?” Taya asked.

“Any member of my crew is,” I said.

Before that could continue, Shadow and Spike landed next to us. “Did we find something?” Spike asked.

“The elementals did,” I replied. “Crude boats on the other side of the island. There’s something intelligent here. We’ll wait two hours for more information and then we’re moving in. You four, take half an hour to rest your wings and get some food, then head back out.”

“Were the boats wood?” the scout that was with Spike asked.

Flo?

“They were,” she said.

“Yep.”

He nodded and said, “I believe I may have seen some kind of wooden treestands a kilometer or two into the jungle. They were so crude that I couldn’t tell if they were made by something intelligent, but I figured it would be worth noting.”

“Was anything on them?” Watcher asked.

Shadow shook his head. “No. The stands were just on a few trees near a little clearing. I don’t know what they were for.”

“Hunting,” I said. “Humans used similar tactics. Set up bait in a clearing and then get in a stand on a tree on the edge of the clearing. Your prey goes for the bait and doesn’t see you. Easy food.”

“So we’re probably dealing with a predator race,” Watcher said, lifting a hoof to his chin. “A predator race that either has some manner of ranged weapon or is capable of jumping and landing on prey from a tree.”

“Bow and arrow or spears, probably,” I said. “Those were both fairly common in early human hunting tribes. I’m going to go find Rarity and then get armored up. I doubt these things have steel. A large group of warriors in plate will hopefully be enough to give them pause.”

“If Gilda shows up, I’ll send a runner for you,” Watcher said with a nod. “I’ll keep an eye up here for now. If we do have to rescue Gilda, we’ll probably have to do it at night. I say we have at most three more hours of light.”

“Most of us have night vision. And if we find out they don’t have magic, it might be better to just throw up a lot of magical light to scare and disorient them.”

“Once they get used to it, we won’t have the advantage of darkness anymore.”

“What predator race do you know of that can’t see in the dark?”

“Dogs and naga are bad at it, I think. But fair enough. I’ll see you when you get back up here, Nav.” I nodded and finally started heading below. Taya followed, of course.

Rarity was not in her room or in Fluttershy’s room. I found her in Silver Quill’s room, apparently still setting up a will. Or more likely, complaining. They both stopped talking when I knocked, so I don’t really know. “Is something wrong?” Silver asked when she opened the door and beheld me.

“Not yet. I was looking for Miss Marshmallow here.” Rarity rolled her eyes, of course. “We found signs of sapient life. We haven’t made first contact yet, but it looks like you’re gonna be it. And not to jump the gun or anything, but some of our scouts haven’t reported in yet. As of about ten minutes ago, they’re late.” It’s hard to go pale when your fur is completely white, but she managed somehow. “So I really hope you’re going to be as useful as Twilight says you are.”

“Do… Do we know when I might be needed?” she faintly asked.

“Not yet. We’re gonna give the scouts two more hours to report in before we start moving. It’ll probably be some time after that, unless the elementals get lucky.”

“Then I shall… be ready. I hope…”

“Don’t be nervous, Rarity. I’ll make sure your guards get you out if shit goes south. And I’ll be right there with you.” Of course, I might wait a second or two longer than I should to step in, but I probably wouldn’t.

“That is more comforting than you know, Nav.” She sighed and shivered slightly. “Who… who hasn’t reported in yet? Is Spike okay?”

“Spike’s fine. He’s back on the ship now. Gilda’s missing, so far. And I haven’t heard back from all the elementals, but that doesn’t mean anything. I sent Gilda out the farthest, so we’re hoping she’s just late returning. But we know there are sapients out there and we’re pretty sure they’re predators with ranged weapons, so I’m heading to gear up and get back on deck. You’re welcome to join us, if you want.”

“I believe I just might,” she said with a nod. “As soon as I finish up here, that is. I shall see you on deck, Nav.”

“Until then.” Taya and I went back to my room, leaving them to whatever they were up to. “I was really hoping I wouldn’t need my armor in this heat,” I sighed as I began pulling it down.

Taya used magic to take it all off the ceiling at once and place it on the bed. “It’s pretty hot out there. I’m glad I don’t have armor…”

“You say that now. If you ever find yourself in a melee, you might change your tune.” Since it was all in place, I began putting it on. “At least it’s not very heavy. Once you get older, I’ll probably get you some armor. But you’ll quickly outgrow anything I get you now.”

“...Why would I want to wear armor? If anything gets too close, I can just teleport away.”

“Until you can’t anymore. Or until someone surprises you. Or something else happens. You may know how to make things blow up, but you don’t know combat. You have to plan for the unexpected, or one day you won’t be coming home. You’re my favorite daughter, Taya. I don’t want you getting hurt when it can be prevented.”

“Can’t I just hide behind you?” she asked.

“Sometimes. But that won’t always be an option. And again, you never know what kind of unexpected thing might happen. A fight between two people is easy. But real combat isn’t usually like that. You can get surrounded, you can get ambushed, you can get surprised. In my time, it wasn’t uncommon for whole fights to be done in seconds, before the losing side knew they were even fighting. Being protected at all times without using extra energy on magical shields is extremely important. Being uncomfortable for a few hours is better than being dead for a lifetime. Why do you think people like Watcher and Shining Armor wear armor?”

Her head tilted slightly. “I always thought that was because they were guards and they had to look imposing.”

“Guards are supposed to look professional, not imposing. And that’s another reason to wear armor. As much as you might not like it, and I know I damn sure don’t and didn’t like it, looks are extremely important. But the reason they wear armor is to keep them protected even when their magic fails. The reason they learn how to fight in… hoof to hoof combat is in case their magic fails. The reason they have to go through all the same physical training is…?”

“...In case their magic fails,” she sighed, hanging her head.

“Correct. Magic is powerful and very useful. But so is steel. You must never rely so much on it that you let your body waste away. But we’ve been over this plenty of times. Not liking it doesn’t make it any less true.” And I was finished suiting up anyway. “Let’s head topside. Maybe our favorite griffin will be up there.”

“Why would Princess Gilda be here?” she asked.

“The world’s a very strange place,” I replied with a shrug. It surprised me that she liked PG more than OG, but I wasn’t going to debate the point. At least PG was punctual, even if they were both usually pretty bitchy.

Things on deck were mostly unchanged. All the scouts were presumably below, probably either getting food or just resting in their rooms. Watcher and Kat were talking. Spider was getting instructions from one of the crew unicorns about some maintenance on the rigging. A few soldiers were talking to Applejack and Doppel.

There was no sign of my missing griffin.

My daughter and I walked over to Watcher and Kat, first. “Gilda still hasn’t checked in,” he said when we got close. Kat rolled her eyes.

“I figured. Watcher, tell Taya how important it is that she wear armor, exercise properly, and learn how to fight without magic.”

He looked at her and said, “Very.”

“See, Taya?” She sighed again. “Anyway, has anyone teleported Gilda?”

“I haven’t,” Watcher said, shaking his head. “And I don’t think any of my troops have, either. She doesn’t seem to trust magic.”

“Most other races don’t,” Kat said, tensing her claws. “It is… unnatural.”

“That’s not true at all,” I said. “Magic is perfectly natural. It’s just not common because of Celestia and Discord. New rule: Anyone that acts as a scout has to be teleported by a few unicorns, so we can teleport them back if necessary.” Watcher’s horn lit up and Kat disappeared for an instant, only to reappear a meter away. “One down.”

All of Kat’s fur was standing on end and she traded a nasty glare between Watcher and Taya a few times. “I believe I prefer to trust my own two paws.”

“Or my wings?” I asked, brushing her cheek with one of them. That wiped the glare right off her face, as I knew it would.

“...Yes, or your wings.”

“Well, the upside to teleporting is that when a unicorn teleports you once, they’re ‘tuned’ to you, so to say. So they can teleport you whenever they want, wherever you are. It’s great for getting out of bad situations.”

“Or for moving me when I am bathing.”

“I will be teleporting you, not Nav,” Watcher said. “So you don’t need to worry it being misused.”

“Words hurt, Watcher,” I said, shaking my head. “Words hurt deep.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said with a nod. “Staves and stones may crack your bones, but words will hurt forever. On the flipside, the truth will set you free.”

“Watcher, you’re my vassal now. I can boop you on the nose and you no longer have the right to be upset.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, my lady.” I reached out and booped him before he could try to back away. “That felt just as degrading as I thought it would.”

“Well, there’s more where that came from.”

He sighed and shook his head sadly. “Have you heard anything else from the elementals?” he asked when he got over being extremely disappointed.

“Nope. We’re staying on that same schedule, for now. I’ll update you when they update me.”

“They can speak to you in real time?” he asked.

“Yep. Flo can tell me whatever she sees, whenever she sees it. I wouldn’t be too surprised if she could figure out how to hijack my vision and show me what she sees, though I’m not positive I’d be able to interpret it. It’s pretty similar to the radio I have, but only I can hear what she says.”

“Why didn’t we give Gilda one of those?” Watcher asked.

“The range is too far. One of the same problems we had when we brought it underground. They can’t just go forever. Elementals have a much farther range, especially if they’re in water. I was able to hear Flo when I was in Europe and she was still underground.”

“That’s… very interesting,” he slowly replied, poking at his chin with a hoof. “I believe that Brook has been grooming me to be a host. Do you believe I should do it?”

“I believe that I like having one,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t know if you would or not. But I know if you find that you don’t like it, she would leave. Probably wouldn’t hurt to try. They can also give you orgasms randomly, so that’s a big plus.”

“I am not sure I would consider that a positive. In fact, I believe I will make sure that she does not do that before I agree to anything.”

“I did not get that luxury. In fact, I had to learn that lesson the fun way.”

The silence that followed was not entirely comfortable. Finally, Watcher slowly replied, “I can’t help but wonder how much of how you act is you and how much of it is her.”

“Being a host is like being married, in a way. You spend every moment, both waking and sleeping, with that person. There is absolutely no escaping them; they are always there. You will find yourself picking up their mannerisms and they will find themselves picking up yours. Unless you knew me before I got Flo, you’ll probably never know how much of this is me and how much is influenced by her.”

“I knew her before,” Taya said, looking at Watcher. “Most of how she acts is the same.”

“You shut your cute little mouth,” I said, poking her right on the snout and leaving my finger there. She eyed it with extreme disdain.

“Nav, stop fingering your daughter,” Kat said, crossing her arms. “She obviously doesn’t like it.”

“Fingering means something a whole lot different to my people than it does to yours,” I idly replied, removing the offending finger. “Or at least, I hope it does.”

“I refuse to ask.”

“It’s when you shove your fingers—”

Watcher’s horn lit up and I felt something covering my mouth. “It will forever be a mystery,” he sarcastically said. “I think I’m going to go get food while we have a moment of down time. I’ll get back on deck soon.”

“I’ll join you,” Kat said. They both left. When they were a few meters away, Watcher’s horn dimmed and whatever was covering my mouth disappeared.

Since they apparently condoned ignorance and hated cultural exchange, I decided to let them depart for their stone-age, racist ways. My daughter and I continued to the front of the ship. For some reason, I really like standing right at the tip.

A few minutes after we got there, Taya awkwardly cleared her throat and quietly asked, “What’s fingering, mommy?”

“It’s when you use your fingers for lewd purposes,” I said. “Usually putting them inside of someone.”

“...Oh.” She shifted from side to side a few times before awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. “Kat was wrong…”

I slowly turned my head to look at her. She was very stolidly looking at the deck, her face bright red. As soon as my mouth opened, she teleported away. My mouth closed and I turned back to face Hawaii.

“I’m going to assume she was talking in general and had no specific implications in mind.”

“That is wise,” Flo said.

“You’ve been quiet today. Is scouting taking up all your concentration?”

“It is not.”

I waited a few seconds to see if she had anything else to add, but she stayed silent. “I guess not much has happened. No reason to give input, in that case.” Still, I’m used to a lot more snide remarks.

“Well that’s obviously not what you like,” she coldly replied. “Maybe I’m just trying to fit you better.”

Oh boy, here we go. She snorted. “I’m gonna have to have you explain why you’re mad, Flo.”

“You told Rainbow Dash you’d prefer to be the host of one of my sisters. I don’t think any explanation should be required!”

“Oh. That’s not what I—”

“I can see into your mind, Nav. I know exactly what you meant!”

“So do you wanna do this now or do you want to wait until you’re back on the ship?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“There is nothing to ‘do’, Nav. I know why you feel the way you do.”

“And yet you never thought it was important to stop doing any of the shit that pisses me off.”

She fell silent. Soon, I actually stopped hearing anything at all. The ship stopped creaking, the sails stopped flapping, the sounds of conversation behind me died, I could no longer hear the ocean. Then something icy slowly ran down my back and it felt like two hands came to my shoulders.

“I acted the way I thought you needed, Nav, not the way you wanted. I know that you don’t think elementals are perfect. You are correct. I have made mistakes with some of my behaviors. I have done things that are inappropriate. But I have acted solely in a way that I thought would help you, overall. I did my best to be what you needed in this lonely world, Nav. Unfortunately, it is the curse of my kind that we often forget that mortals do not always share our perspective. In my mind, I was what I thought you needed. It just so happened that in your mind, what I thought you needed was an overbearing and occasionally creepy mother figure that didn’t respect you.”

“I had a mother, once. Didn’t much figure I needed another one.”

Silence returned to us once again. After about a minute or two, the hands shifted from my shoulders to my cheeks. “You are not going to like what I am about to say, Nav.”

“I don’t like having to have this conversation at all, Flo.”

“Your mother did not care about you. She birthed you and both she and your father made sure you stayed alive. But you did not have loving, interested parents. They perverted your view of parent-child relationships, Nav. Possibly irreparably. I thought I could… help mend what was broken. I thought I could be what you never knew you wanted, never knew you craved. It is in my nature to love and heal. If I see something broken, my mind instantly goes to how it can be made whole. It did not occur to me that sometimes, people prefer things to stay broken.”

“You tried to fix me.”

“I tried to fix you.”

It may have been pointless to allow that silence to build given that she was in my head and she knew what my response would be before I did. But honestly, finding the right way to word it was not easy. “You know me better than it’s possible for a human to know anyone, even themselves. Did you really think what I needed was a mother that wanted to fix me?”

The hands on my cheeks disappeared and it felt like she was suddenly hugging me. “Yes, Nav. Your childhood was traumatizing. The only way for you to ever improve as an adult was to get over that and begin healing. Instead, you let it form into scar tissue and stay forever blemished. I know you hate being taken care of. I know you hate people trying to fix you. I know you… I know you’re tired of me. I know you think I’m too overbearing and overprotective sometimes. Or that I’m too playful, even bordering on abusive… But I’m trying, really trying, to help you. And it’s working. I can’t take full credit, but you are slowly becoming happy again, Nav. You’re being more positive. Part of what loving, supportive people in your life do is help you grow and change and become happy.”

Silence is a tool, a weapon of the betrayed. It comes in many packages and flavors. Right then, I didn’t know why I was silent or how to feel. Or rather, I didn’t know how I wanted to feel. There was a time when my very first reaction would have been to tell her to get out of my body. There was another time when I would attempt to kill or hurt her to get back at her.

But time changes everyone. Even me, apparently. I felt pissed and hurt and betrayed and so much more, but… I don’t think I wanted to feel that way. Or at least, I don’t think I did. Time changes everyone, but was it really time that changed me?

“You can change my memories, Flo. You can probably alter my mood and my inner thoughts as well. If all you wanted to do was fix me, how can I trust that you didn’t completely change who I was?”

“If I wanted to do that to you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, Nav. I want you to be happy, but more than that, I want you to want to be happy. I will say this: You were clinically depressed when I came into your mind. There was a chemical imbalance in your brain that was causing you to feel bad. I slowly tweaked that over time to cure it, because it was unnatural and I know you didn’t want to feel that way. But that is the only thing I have done and I did not do it all at once because I saw what happened when you asked Chrysalis to try. So yes, I did directly alter the way your brain worked, but only because you went out of your way to try unhealthy methods of doing it yourself.”

Everything I was wanted me to be angry about that. She lied to me about what she could do, she used me to free her sisters, she altered my brain, she tried to fix me, she abused me in all manner of ways. And yet, she was there for me when I needed her, she helped me get over the darkness inside of me, she gave me advice and help, she healed me and kept me alive.

Everything I was wanted me to be angry.

But time changes all people. Everything I was… was gone. It was gone, and I remained. And I got to decide what that meant. I got to choose who I wanted to be, how I wanted to act, what I wanted to feel.

And I made my decision.

“I love you, Flo.”

The iciness around me was almost immediately changed with a warm wetness all across my body, like I was in a steam room. Her embrace grew tighter as she mentally pulled me closer. “I love you too, Nav.”

And in an instant, the entire feeling and mental state just disappeared as something grabbed me from behind and turned me around. I had time to look surprised before a leathery wing slapped me in the face. “Nav, wake up!”

I blinked away the small stars and looked down at the bat pony with his hooves on my armored chest. “The fuck you want, Smiles?” I asked.

He sighed in relief and backed away. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for a few minutes. Ice found a village!”

“That’s good. Go get the captain, we’ll—”

“They have Gilda!”

That took a second to sink in. “They… have her? Have her how, exactly?”

“Um.” His head tilted and his eyes went blank for a second before turning blue. “She’s tied to a pole. I believe she is unconscious.”

“How in the fuck… Whatever. Do you see any evidence of magic?”

“Yes. There’s a fellow wearing bones standing over her, waving a staff and chanting. I can’t tell what it’s doing, but I don’t think it’s good and I’m pretty sure it’s magical in nature.”

“So you can’t get in there to save her.”

“My sisters are saying they don’t want to take the risk.”

“Alright, give me details about the population. Bare minimum; we might not have much time.”

“They’re kobolds.” Flo gasped. “Much smaller versions, though.”

“I don’t know… Never mind, I’ll make Flo explain on the way. Do you see weapons?”

“Stone, bone, and wooden weapons, though the guy standing over her has something covered on his side. Their huts are flammable. No walls or other defenses, aside from the volcano they’re right next to.”

You’ve gotta be fucking shitting me. “Put Smiles back in control.” He blinked and his eyes went back to their normal golden hue. “Head to the helm and plot a course to Ice, then get back to me. I need to be kept informed.”

He stepped back and smartly saluted. “Yes, my lady!” With that, he cantered off to the helm. I quickly followed and went down into the depths of the ship.

Before I got too far, I found Rarity, who was heading to the deck. “You’re up, Rarity. We got sapients, we got a village, and we think they might not be friendly. We’re on the way as soon as we get a course charted.”

“M-might… might not be friendly?” she weakly asked, her voice suddenly hoarse and her eyes going wide.

“They knocked Gilda out and tied her up. Your job is to get her back. So better think up some nice words. You’re defusing a hostage situation.” She very loudly gulped. “I’ll get your squad sent to you soon.”

She didn’t pay any attention as I hurried past her. From the sound of it, she just froze in place. My next stop was Watcher’s room. He had his two squadmates in there and it sounded like they were talking before I walked up. “Gilda come back?” Watcher asked when he saw me.

“No. She got captured by the locals. The elementals found a village. Looks like their chief is doing some kind of ritual on her now. We’ll be headed that way as soon as a course is plotted.”

“My troops will be ready in ten. What are the locals?”

“Something called kobolds, but I have no idea what those are.”

Flo hijacked my face and said, “Kobolds are a smallish reptilian race. Bipedal, fairly intelligent, very loyal, tool using, cold blooded. I believe these might be the remnants of Mist’s old worshippers.”

“After this long?” Watcher asked.

“Kobolds were our main followers, back in our time. Most water elementals had a small clan. Mist just so happened to have lived here. During the war, she was forced to retreat into the sea, but the kobolds couldn’t follow her. That said, I doubt any of them would know what an elemental is, these days. And they have a rudimentary magic, so appearing to them alone would put us at risk.”

“Then we’re doing it the hard way,” Watcher said with a nod. “Plan?”

“We’ll go in friendly,” I said. “If they hurt Gilda, we’re putting that village to the sword.”

“...I don’t know what that means,” he slowly said.

“It means that we kill them all.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll see you topside.” I nodded and began heading up to the deck. He and his soldiers quickly vacated his room and went deeper into the ship to rouse the others.

On the way to the deck, I found Rarity, who was still locked in place. When I got close, her body jolted and she looked at me with fear-filled eyes. “Nav, I’ve… I’ve never done anything like this before!”

“Just be yourself. And if shit starts going downhill, hit the dirt and stay there. Let’s go.” She shuffled behind me with very leaden hoofsteps.

Before I got through the door at the top of the stairs, Smiles started coming down. “We’re on the way, ma’am,” he said.

“Good. News?”

“None yet. The helm said we can’t go full speed due to the number of volcanoes here. We should be there in an hour or two.”

“You still have your armor?”

“Yes ma’am. It might not fit so well anymore, but I still have it.”

“Get geared up. I doubt you’ll be needed, but another pair of hooves on the dirt is always useful. And if Jak isn’t in the book, get him on deck too.”

“Right away.” By that point, I was on the deck. He started heading down, but had to stop and back up because Rarity was still being overly dramatic and slow.

Now that I finally had a moment of peace, Flo decided to start talking again. “My sisters and I would be very appreciative if you did not kill them all should they harm Gilda, Nav.”

“I will take that into consideration.”

“Nav, this is the first time we’ve found any evidence of our old people. We at least want to speak to them, to see what history has passed on.”

“Flo, do you know what happens to small, enclosed communities on islands with no population influx over the course of several million years?”

“...Yes, I do. Given Ice’s basic description, they are likely not the same people they once were. But on the off chance they have any memory or rationality left, we would like to speak to them.”

“If Ice stops being a little pussy, he can go talk to them right now and sort this shit out right proper. I doubt they’ll try to smoke him.”

“My sisters are likely placing his safety, and their own for that matter, above that of Gilda’s. Once upon a time, that would not have been the case. But now, with so few of us and the means to make more of us currently out of our reach, we must take precautions. It will take all thirteen of us to free the fire. This journey will be for naught if we take a loss.”

“There is only one of me, Flo. And do you know what I am going to do as soon as we get there?”

She did not reply. I continued to the front of the ship in silence.

Shortly after I got up there, some loud hoof falls close behind me made me turn back around. Spike and Twilight continued their approach. “What’s going on, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“Gilda got captured by the locals,” I said. Spike’s eyes widened and Twilight’s eyebrows lifted. “We’re going to get her back.”

“How did she get captured? Can the locals fly?”

“I’ll be asking her that as soon as we get her back,” I replied. “I don’t think they have wings, so she was probably doing something stupid.”

“I wanna help!” Spike quickly said.

“Good. You were going to help whether you wanted to or not, but wanting to makes it easier. You’re welcome to join us as well, Twilight.”

She shook her head. “I’ll give you some protection spells, but if you’re going to be fighting, I think I would likely get in the way. I haven’t done any training with Watcher’s soldiers. You don’t know much about magic, so I’ll just say that if two unicorns try casting similar spells at the same time at the same target, things can... get out of hoof.” She sighed and hung her head. “I don’t think they ever could fix that pillar…”

“I’m going in wearing my ring, so those spells won’t do me any good. Ice thinks these things have magic.”

That made her perk back up. “Are you sure fighting them is wise, then? I know your ring will likely protect you, but we have no idea what kind of abilities they might have.”

“Fighting them is the last resort. The elementals want them alive. Apparently they’re kobolds or something and—”

Twilight’s eyes instantly went blue and Aqua said, “You will not harm them.”

“I wouldn’t have to if your brother would stop being such a fucking pussy and get out there and save my soldier. But since he’s choosing to sit this one out, we’re going to fix this my way. And if those kobolds force my hand, my way is going to be almightily bloody.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed for a moment before going back to their standard purple hue. One of her hooves immediately went to her head and she shivered. “That was weird.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda shitty when they just jump in and take over. Anyway, Twilight, give Rarity as many protection spells as you can. And a translation spell, just in case these things don’t speak your horse tongue.”

“You’re… still bringing Rarity?” she asked.

“Yes. You’re the one who said you wanted her and Fluttershy to be more involved. So she’s going down with us, but she doesn’t have any armor. Do what you can.”

“Alright. Is Spike going to be guarding her?”

“No, Spike’s going to be with me. He’s the only one here with any other kind of magic resistance, so I want him on the vanguard. Black Fate’s squad is gonna be guarding her.”

“Alright. How long until we get there? These protection spells have timers. I’m going to give her as many as I possibly can, so they’ll be relatively short timers.”

“An hour or two. I thought the ones you gave us for the spider raid lasted a week.”

“I didn’t give you many since I knew they didn’t have magic and I knew Watcher also gave you some. Watcher needs to save his strength now, so I’ll give her every one she’ll get. And she’ll get some against magic as well. I also doubt this will take nearly as long, so I can afford to save some of my strength in case I’m needed.”

“Ah. Well, once you give her the wards, please head below. I don’t want anyone that isn’t going to be involved in this operation possibly getting in the way.”

She grinned and saluted. “Yes ma’am!”

“Ugh. Just for that, I’m going to be in charge tonight.”

That made her giggle, of course. “You can be in charge… if you can be in charge.” Her horn lit up and forced me to bend down to her level, where she kissed me. Spike rolled his eyes. A few seconds later, Twilight pulled away, grinning widely. “For luck, my lovely lady.”

“I don’t tend to believe in luck, but if it means kisses, maybe I’ll start.” Her horn let me go and she walked away, chuckling some more. When she was next to Rarity, I realized Spike was still staring at me. “You’ll get your orders when it’s time, Spike.”

“Are you two, like… I dunno, dating now?”

“We are not, no. I’m sorry we keep acting like that around you. I know she’s like your mom or whatever.”

“No, it’s not that. Big sister is closer, honestly. I just know you’re doing things and you two keep getting closer. You’re actually closer now than when you were living with us in the Treebrary. I thought… Eh, never mind.”

Smiles was finally coming back up to me now anyway, along with Watcher. They got to me quickly and Smiles saluted again. “Nothing new yet, ma’am.”

“Good. Watcher, your guys ready to go?”

“The last few are gearing up now. Do you want all nine of us?”

“Yes. Since Spike has magic resistance, he’ll be with me. I’ll leave it up to you whether we bring Kat or the naga or not.”

“Naga, yes. Kat, no. If this turns into a fight, it’ll be completely out in the open. I know she can fight conventionally, but I’d rather have her in reserve.”

“Spike, go get the naga. Tell him to bring his sword.”

“You got it.” He hurried off to the staircase.

“Zecora?” I asked.

“She’s picking out potions now,” Watcher replied with a nod. “Her magic might be able to counter some of theirs. I was planning to assign her to Grey Boulder’s group.”

“She’s going with me. If this becomes a fight, I’m going after their mage or leader. You focus on Gilda. Black Fate needs to worry about getting Rarity out. Let Grey Boulder and the naga do crowd control.”

“Yes ma’am. Do we know what the elementals are going to do yet?”

“Flo wants me to not kill all the locals. Aqua doesn’t want me to even hurt any of them. Their say means exactly nothing if they choose not to help us deal with this situation.” I looked right at Smiles for the next part. “If they choose to assist us when we get there, their help will be appreciated and keeping the kobolds alive will be much more likely. But if they choose to continue standing aside, I’m of the opinion that bloodshed is likely.” I looked back at Watcher. “But to answer the question, as of right now, we do not know what they are going to do yet.”

“Then they better sort themselves out and come to a decision soon. If one of the crew gets hurt because they chose not to act, that’s going to create a serious rift of distrust.”

Smiles’s eyes went a dark blue as Ice took over. “I want to save her, Nav!” he said. “But my sisters won’t let me! None of the ones with me are in your camp. They’re all with Mist and they won’t let me go!”

“All it takes for others to suffer is for good people to do nothing, Ice.”

“I can’t do anything, though! I tried as soon as we saw her, but they’re actually holding me here!”

“Dude, your sisters are fucking bitches, Jesus. Who’s in your group?”

“Mist, Naiad, and Flumen.”

“I am going to have a very long and in-depth conversation with Brook very soon about those two. And maybe Aqua, too. If Gilda gets hurt, I am holding them responsible.”

Smiles’s ears fell. “They’re moving her.”

“Her who? They who?”

“The kobolds are moving Gilda.”

“...Where are they moving her?” I slowly asked.

“Uhhh…” He fell silent for a few very long and slow seconds before his head tilted. “Why would they be moving her toward the volcano?”

My head jerked to the guy at the wheel. “HELM, SPEED US UP!” His ears shot straight up and then right back down. Thankfully, he followed my order anyway. The ship very quickly started picking up speed. “Ice, follow them.”

He shook his host’s head. “I can’t. There’s no water up there.”

“You can tell your sisters that if Gilda dies, the kobolds die. Put Smiles back in control.” He bit his lower lip, then sighed and hung his head. When he looked back up, his eyes were golden again.

“So what do we do, Nav?” Watcher asked.

“Shit, I put Smiles back in control too soon. How many of them are moving Gilda?”

“Three,” Smiles replied. His eyes stayed golden, so Ice was just relaying info. “The mage and two very ornately armored guards. Her stake is being carried by magic.”

“I’m going after Gilda and the mage,” I said to Watcher. “You escort Rarity to the village. If they throw her in that volcano, the mage is following right behind her. Hopefully, we can avoid putting the rest of the village to the sword.”

“Be careful, ma’am,” Watcher said. “We know three are going up there, but we don’t know how many are already there.”

“Unfortunately, we only have so many that are capable of standing up to enemy mages,” I said. “Or at least, ones with weird and heretofore unknown magics. And if the rest of the village starts acting up, I can’t have them coming up the mountain behind me.”

“Can I go with you?” Smiles asked.

“Is Jak in the book world?” I asked.

“He’s not. He’ll be on deck soon.”

“Then no. Stay on deck and help him. If we need the siege weapons, he’ll need your help.” That made the adorable little bat pony sigh, of course. “That said, if the ship gets close enough that you can watch me, watch my back. If shit hits the fan and they start coming up, keep them away from me.”

The despondent expression left his face and he saluted again. “I won’t let you down, ma’am!”

“Good. Go find Jak and stick with him. Flo should be joining Ice soon and can keep me informed.” He actually bowed and left. I shook my head and looked back at Watcher. “Any thoughts?”

“Splitting up is a bad idea about seventy percent of the time, Nav. I’ll wager that this is one of the few times it’s not. We have to keep the village controlled and we have to keep that mage controlled if we want to have any chance of getting Gilda out alive. I don’t like it, but I know this is the best shot we have at saving her. And of course, I’d wager that these things probably know something about the fire elemental, so we have to deal with them anyway.”

“I’m of the same opinion, on all fronts. I hate splitting up and I hate that my group is so small, but that’s the way the cards fell.” Over Watcher’s shoulder, I saw Spike and the naga come out of the depths of the ship. Zecora followed shortly after. “Go tell your team what’s up. I’ll talk to Zecora and Spike.”

“Yes ma’am. Be careful with Spike. If he starts thinking with the wrong head…”

“I know.” He nodded and went to do his thing. I waved Spike and Zecora over. The naga also slithered in to join my little group. “You’re with Watcher on this one, naga.”

“Hm. Splitting the group is not usually wise, sister,” he said.

“It is in this case. Watcher will explain.”

“Very well. My sword thirsts. You tend to steal all the glory in these battles. Perhaps without you by our side, there will be some for us.”

“That’s not even a little bit true.”

He shrugged. “You do, at the very least, cut a very striking figure on the battlefield. I have a feeling that despite my size or Spike’s fire or Zecora’s magic, should we ask any survivors of our encounters who they feared most, many might say you.”

“That’s kinda weird, but whatever. Go join Watcher so he doesn’t have to brief everyone twice.” He snorted and slid on over to where Watcher was gathering his troops.

“Why are we splitting up, Nav?” Spike asked.

“The situation changed. They’re moving her. Zecora, you know what’s going on?”

“Watcher explained a little,” she said. “We’re rescuing Gilda from a race of bipedal lizards who have strange magic.”

“Correct. Well, partially. We don’t know if it’s strange magic or not, but it is magic. What’s changed is that they’re moving her away from the village. Our group is going after them. Spike, can you carry Zecora?”

He looked at her for a moment before walking over next to her. “Do you mind if I…?”

“I do not mind.”

He slowly and carefully picked her up. “I… believe I can carry her for a few minutes…”

“I hope you are not calling me fat, Spike,” she said. I couldn’t tell if she was joking. And judging by the blush on Spike’s face and how quickly he set her down, neither could he.

“We’re going after Gilda,” I said. “She has three guards, two random guys and their mage. My ring should protect me from the mage completely. You two try to focus on the others. With luck, this guy will have to focus on me. The goal is to avoid fighting. But if they hurt her or if they push us, we’ll take them down.”

“What about the village?” Spike asked.

“That’s Watcher’s responsibility. With luck, the village will stay placated. Our goal is to save Gilda and avenge her if we can’t.”

“You put a lot of value on Gilda’s life,” Zecora very matter-of-factly said.

“I place a lot of value on loyalty,” I replied. “Why does everyone seem surprised by that? Like, is it common practice for ponies to just fuck each other over when shit gets rough?”

Zecora rubbed the back of her neck before shrugging. “My own village threw me out because a manipulative pony told them to. While I was in exile, I was treated harshly in many places for being a stranger. When I went back, my sister tried to kill me. I know you’re different, but…”

“Nav would never leave anyone behind!” Spike said, stomping a claw on the deck.

“Never is a very strong word,” I said. “It would certainly take a lot for me to abandon someone, though. Humans have a very clan-centered mindset that’s caused by our ape-like brains that… You know what, never mind, it’s not important. Do both of you have everything you need? We should be getting close.”

“Oh, I should get my sword and crossbow!”

“Spike, stop using that sword,” I said before he could move. His wings twitched and his ears fell. “And we’re probably going to be at ranges where the crossbow would be useless. I’m not even carrying my gun.”

“I thought…” He sighed and hung his head. “Okay…”

“You got everything, Zecora?”

She patted a small bag at her side. “I do.”

“Not gonna wear your old ratty cloak this time?” I asked.

“I left that behind in the village. I no longer need to hide who I once was.”

“Alright, cool.”

She shook her head. “You are a very interesting being, Navarone.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“There are many who would question a lot of the things that I say. You do not. I find that fascinating.”

I shrugged and replied, “I know you word things the way you do for attention. It’s one of those shamanistic habits I’m trying to wean you off. If you actually explained any of what you said, I would be interested to hear it. But I’m not going to dig for information when you dangle statements like that in front of me like bait. I don’t like dancing to someone else’s tune. I’m actually very interested in your life and whatever stories you’d be willing to tell, so it’s kinda frustrating that you’re still trying to force me to ask instead of just telling me like a normal person.”

Of course, her eyes were super wide and Spike’s mouth dropped.

After a few seconds, Flo slapped me in the back of the head, making me flinch. “Sorry, I forgot that I’m a lady now. Um. I’m happy that you find me fascinating, Zecora.” I finished that with a very awkward smile that led into a very awkward silence.

Thankfully, it only lasted for several very long and painful seconds before someone called out, “Village, ho!” What’s Doppel doing on deck?

When Flo was finished smacking me again, I turned to the front of the ship where, sure enough, I could see a decently sized village was carved out of the jungle next to a smoking volcano. We were still too far away to see anything, but Spike rushed ahead to the tip of the ship and leaned out as far as he could get.

After a few seconds of staring, he turned back and said, “I don’t see anyone on the volcano. It’s all just red!”

“Jesus, the entire thing is full of fucking lava,” I sighed. “That’s definitely a bad sign.” To me, it was just a regular brown and rocky mountain. But to Spike’s eyes, the entire thing was lit up like a German oven. There’s a chance he’d be useless on it.

Zecora and I joined him at the front of the ship, so we could all look at it. I didn’t really think we’d be able to see our targets that soon, though. “Will it be safe to walk on?” Zecora asked.

“Flo says the kobolds are cold blooded,” I replied. “If they can handle it, we can probably handle it. Good news is, I don’t see any structures on the mountain. That probably means it’ll just be the three of them.”

“When should we start flying?” Spike asked. “We’re probably faster than the ship.”

I looked back to the deck and found Watcher with my eyes. “Hey Watcher, we’re about to head out.”

“Be careful out there, my lady,” he replied with a nod.

“I’m never anything but, old man.” He smirked and rolled his eyes before turning back to his troops. “Grab her and let’s go. We’ll find our targets on the way. Watch the thermals off the mountain; they’ll throw you around if you aren’t careful.”

“I’ve been practicing. Ready, Zecora?”

“Indeed I am, Spike. Please take care. Falling might break a few of your bones, but it would break all of mine.”

“I won’t let you down!” While he was grabbing her, I put a foot to the rails and threw myself off. Since I’m slower than a neckbeard running a triathlon, Spike quickly caught up. He’s not completely stupid, so he matched my pace. Despite our slow speed, we still outpaced the boat. “Shouldn’t we be going faster or something?” Spike asked.

“Dude, my wings are fucked. Maybe you haven’t noticed that one of them is literally a demon wing.”

“...Oh yeah.” He shut up and we continued at our slow speed that was thankfully still faster than the ship.

Once we got over the village, I was able to actually see four figures at the top of the volcano, right at the end of a staircase that had been carved out of the stone. One was a large wooden stake that was floating a foot or two off the ground right on the edge of the inner part of the volcano. All three of the kobolds were looking at her unconscious form, thankfully.

“I see them.” We were about halfway to them, at that point. I could see the mage doing something in the air with one of his hands. The other held a wooden staff and some kind of covered weapon hung at his side. I couldn’t tell what he was doing because the air around them was hazy from all the gasses coming out of the volcano.

“It all just looks like a shimmery mess to me,” Spike replied.

“I see them as well,” Zecora said. “Though I do not recognize that magic yet.”

Looks like it’s your lucky day, Flo. She petulantly sniffed at me, which of course made me giggle.

As we got closer, the arm motions the mage was making got more and more frantic. When we were three quarters of the way there, Gilda came to with a very loud squawk. Her head jumped to several different places. It looked like she saw us, the fact that she was tied up, the volcano, and the three lizard things in front of her.

As soon as she locked eyes with him, she started yelling at him. Of course, most mages don’t really like being yelled at. He casually waved his hand and her stake slid right off the platform and down into the lava.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Nine—Crispy Fried

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Nine—Crispy Fried

For one moment, it seemed that the entire world was silent. The flapping of our wings, the thunder in the distance, the ominous sound of wind spewing from the volcano… It all went silent for one single moment.

And then the noise came back, upset at the time it had lost. Spike began roaring in anger. Avian shrieks of pain started emanating from the volcano. Blood pounded in my skull and my ears. Horrible cackling came from the mage.

Before I knew it, my group landed behind them. They didn’t hear us over the other noises, somehow. Since I had a moment, I slid a gauntlet off and put my ring on. By the time I replaced the glove, Gilda’s agonising screams were silent. It sounded like Spike was crying.

I began advancing. My sword was in my hand, though I don’t remember drawing it. Zecora flanked me on my left and Spike on my right. The kobolds finally turned to us, smug smiles on their hideous reptilian faces. Those smiles took serious dips when they saw us.

The mage stepped forward and began speaking, but stopped when I pointed my sword at him. His eyes narrowed and he waved a hand at me. Nothing happened and I continued advancing. What would have been his eyebrows lifted and he thrust his staff toward me.

Each of his guards drew their weapons, two daggers made from bones. They began circling away from the mage, one walking left and one right. My escorts broke off to face them, leaving me standing against the mage.

He smashed his staff into the rock and left it standing there. He held the hand that had his staff next to the weapon at his side. It detached from its holster and floated to his hand. The head of the metal axe he now held lit up with fire for a moment before just glowing a bright red.

His face twisted into a dark grin as he held the axe up in front of him. When I finally got before him, he recklessly swung his fire axe forward, expecting its magic to deal with me easily. I casually blocked it with my ice sword. Steam appeared where they met and his mouth dropped.

While he was surprised, I kicked him in the chest. He flew half a meter back and hit the ground hard. As small as he was, I’m surprised he didn’t fly all the way back into the volcano. He staggered to his feet before I could completely close the distance and the hand without the axe shot toward me, presumably trying more magic. Nothing happened, so I finally swung my sword at him.

His axe barely lifted in time to block it and more steam shot into the air. He pushed back with what little strength he had and then ducked under the swing and darted forward to try chopping at me again. I spun to the side and clubbed him on the top of his skull with my pommel.

His body hit the dirt again. This kobold’s strength was very obviously in his magic, not his fighting ability. And even if it was, I was taller than him, had a much longer reach with a much longer weapon, and I surprised him by having a weapon that was just as magical as his.

The mage groaned and started to sit up again. I walked to his side and kicked him in the ribs. He gasped as all the air was knocked out of him and he fell back, the hand without the axe clutching at his chest. I finally stepped on the arm that had the axe and increased the weight on him until he was forced to let go.

Once he was defenseless, I sheathed my sword and bent down to grab him by the throat. At that point, he knew his only hope was to beg, so he began trying to speak again. I tightened my grip until he couldn’t force words out, then started dragging him. He tried tearing at my hand with his claws, but he couldn’t find any purchase on my armor.

“Nav, this is wrong,” Flo said, trying to calm my internal storm.

I stopped dragging him.

“He’s helpless. He can’t hurt you!”

I lifted him up.

“He’s obviously important to the kobolds, Nav. You can prevent more bloodshed!”

The kobold realized that he was above the lava pit and his struggling ceased. His reptilian eyes met mine and I thought I saw something in them. Something familiar.

“Killing him will not bring back Gilda!”

What I saw in his eyes was hope.

“No, it won’t.”

I dropped him.

“But it will serve as a lesson.”

Flo had no reply.

When I turned back to the others, I found the two kobolds on the ground. Spike had his claws on one’s neck and Zecora had a hoof on the head of the other.

Before I could tell them to kill the prisoners, the mage started screaming in pain. The two kobold prisoners began quietly crying. Since lava is a little bit hot, it didn’t take too long for the screams to cease. I began walking forward, but stopped when I stepped on something. It was the axe the guy I just killed dropped. He wasn’t going to be needing it, so I knelt down to take it.

“What should we do with these two?” Zecora asked when I stood back up.

The axe lit up with flames as I thought about killing them. It continued burning while I walked closer to them. The kobolds saw that and began shaking in fear, since they presumably knew what it meant. I didn’t want to make Spike a murderer, so I lifted the axe to do the job myself.

Before I could swing down, we all heard something very raspy coming from the volcano. I had no clue what the hell it was. I hadn’t heard anything like that before. It increased in volume and soon I heard something scraping as well. Zecora and Spike looked at each other. I lowered the axe and walked back to the edge to look in.

A mostly skeletal griffin was climbing the side of the volcano. My feet backed me away from the edge and I looked up. A few seconds later, I walked back forward and looked down again, just to be sure.

As the thing climbed, its body began healing. I watched its brain knit itself back together through empty eye sockets. Talons started growing at the end of its skeleton arms. Once its lungs were fully regenerated, the rasping sound became horrible laughter. Skin slowly stitched down its body. Two motes of fire took the place of its eyes. Once the body was complete, feathers and fur began spreading until Gilda was whole once again.

When the last little bit was back in place, she pulled herself over the edge with a mighty heave. “This body is unique,” the fire elemental said with Gilda’s beak. Now that he had a moment of peace, he was able to look himself over. “I believe I like it.”

“Are you Blaze?” I asked.

“I am… Navarone, is it? Her mind is addled.” The flames in her eye sockets turned several colors before settling back on orange.

“I am Navarone, yes. Do you know what I am?”

Gilda’s head tilted slightly and he looked around the mountaintop. His fiery eyes took in Zecora and Spike and their two charges before meeting mine again. “According to her memories, you are a human. But that is inaccurate. Humans are dead. And they did not have wings.”

“Not all of us are. Do you know why I am here?”

“I do not. This… bird-cat I am in was not graced with an abundance of intelligence, nor a large memory. She is a perfect host. And human or not, you will make a good servant. Being able to touch the world again will be nice.”

“Well, you’re definitely gonna get your wish. But if you think I have any intention of being your servant, you are very misguided.”

His eyes went red. “Do not make me teach you a lesson.”

“See that ship over there?” I asked, pointing at my flying fortress. His eyes followed my fingers and beheld it. “That ship is home to thirteen water elementals.” His flame eyes turned bright yellow and his head shot back my way. “Yes, I am here to free you.”

“After all this time… I’m to be freed!” The flames dimmed for a moment and turned blue. “But why would the water elementals help me?”

“Chaos still lives. He killed off most of humanity. He killed off most of the elementals. He’s destroyed a lot more since then. The waters and I are of the opinion that he should be stopped. So we’re finding all the allies we can. I assume you want revenge.”

“More than anything!” he growled. “But I won’t be a slave to a watery tart!” The flames around his eyes grew and went right back to red. “Never again!”

“I ain’t asking you to be a slave. I’m asking you to be an ally. You don’t have to follow orders, but you have to stay with us and help us beat Chaos.”

“...Do you believe he can be beaten?”

“I believe that we have to try.”

He started chuckling and his eyes lost their red hue. While he was doing that, Spike cleared his throat and asked, “Is Gilda okay?”

“Now’s not the time, Spike,” I said.

Thankfully, Blaze didn’t take too long to come to a decision. “Very well, Navarone. I will cast my lot with you. Never let it be said a fire turned away from a fight! After spending so long with those watery nuisances, I’m sure you’ll be aching to see a real warrior in action!”

“I actually met a sister of yours,” I said. “Nestorats.” The motes of fire shrank so far that for a second, I thought they actually went out. “I assume you’ve heard of her.”

“Is she… is she with you?” he weakly asked.

“Not yet. We have one more to get before we seek her out. I really hope you and the other fire we rescue can convince her not to try killing me this time.”

“I’d sooner date a water than even try talking her down.” That’s interesting wording, given what Mist said. His eye flames returned to their normal size and he shrugged. “But that’s an issue for the future. Maybe my sister will be happy to see me again.”

“Dude, I fucking doubt it.”

“If I could breathe, I wouldn’t be holding my breath. Now bring your waters forward to free me from this volcanic prison. I long to tear my way across the world again.”

“Before I do that, I have two questions.” His flames rolled. “Is that kobold mage going to come crawling out of this thing too?”

“He served his purpose.”

I’m gonna take that as a no. “Is Gilda still… I don’t know, alive or whatever? Like, can she take back over?”

“She could.”

“Will her eyes grow back?”

“That is three questions.”

“Can we not do the fucking bullshit dick measuring? Woop-dee-doo, you’re a fire elemental and a warrior and what the fuck ever. Don’t be a piece of shit. Either answer the question or don’t. I don’t need your bullshit attitude.”

One of Gilda’s talons clenched, tearing into the rock under it. “Pride was the downfall of humanity.”

“Yeah, so you better learn from our mistakes and stop being so proud. If you’ll recall, you are the one that got yourself locked in a volcano in the first place.”

He launched himself at me, but something grabbed his tail and held him back. I looked behind him and saw Flo holding him steady. “Please do not antagonize our long lost cousin so heavily, Nav,” she said. “He has had a very rough time of things.”

“Release me, water,” he growled.

She did not release him. “To answer your question, her eyes will grow back. I imagine this is a side effect of being burned almost to death. When she takes back over, she might immediately go into shock. Gilda loves the tough girl act. We’ll soon find out how much of that is real and how much of it is bluster.”

“Oh, it’s very real,” the fire said. “She is a fighter. Even now, she’s trying to take back over. But I am far more powerful.”

“Hm.” Flo looked at me and said, “The village is currently offering no resistance. Rarity is speaking with the chieftain now. I do not know how they will react when you return without their mage.”

“How pissed is Aqua?”

“She does not know. This volcano is poisoning you and Zecora, Nav. You need to get off of it.”

“That is a very good idea. Spike, you’re in charge of these two for now.” He grabbed the one he was holding by an arm and dragged him to Zecora, who released her prisoner to him. “You can fly down if you want. I’m walking down with Zecora and Flo.”

“I am remaining here,” Flo said. She still hadn’t released Gilda’s body. “I wish to have a short conversation with Blaze before my sisters join us.”

“I have no interest in speaking to you, water,” he said.

“I assumed your long time of imprisonment would endear you to the idea of conversation.” She shrugged. “No matter. You do not need to reply, you just need to listen. I will see you soon, Navarone.” Her eyes found mine and she flashed red for an instant. “And we will also have a conversation when I do.”

Oh boy, here we go… Zecora and I started walking down the steps that the kobolds carved into the volcano. Surprisingly, Spike followed us instead of flying down. “So what are we gonna do with these two?” Spike asked.

“Leave ‘em here,” I said with a shrug. “We came here for the fire. The waters are interested in the kobolds, not me.”

“What if they’re mad about… you know, the whole killing their mage thing?”

“Well, I’m pretty mad about the whole killing my griffin thing.”

“...She got better.”

“Their mage ain’t gonna get better. More their problem than mine.”

Zecora snorted. “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, Navarone.”

“I’d rather live in a blind world that ain’t tryin’ to kill no one than a half-blind one that’s still runnin’ around throwing people into fucking volcanoes. I feel bad about some of the people I’ve killed. That mage ain’t one of them.”

“Perhaps,” Zecora quietly said. “When I finally got revenge on those who wronged me, it felt immensely satisfying. For a day. Then I realized what it truly meant. I cannot celebrate the deaths of any, even deaths of those who wronged me. I felt good in the beginning, but now I only feel a lingering hollowness.”

“I’m not celebrating his death. I thought he killed a friend of mine, so I killed him. There is no celebration here, there is simple tit for tat. And that’s all the talking about it I’m interested in doing.”

“It’s hard for you to understand, Zecora,” Spike said. “You aren’t like us. To a predator, killing is like…” He paused for a second to think. “It’s like… I don’t really know how to describe it.”

“A rush,” one of the kobolds said, the first words I had heard any of them speak. His voice was very raspy. But to be fair, mine was as well, from all that time spent standing in the heat of the volcano.

“Exactly!” Spike said. His voice wasn’t raspy at all. But then, I wasn’t exactly surprised that dragons have better heat resistance. “Killing gives us a rush.”

“Which is why your friend was thrown into a volcano,” Zecora said. “Which is why the mage then followed him. Rising above your predatory nature is important. Killing may give you a rush, but down that road lies darkness and death. You believed the mage killed your friend, so you killed him. What will you do if the mage’s friends try to kill you?”

“Try to kill them right back!” Spike happily said.

“And then their friends are angry and try to kill you. Violence begets violence, until you are all that is left. Forgiveness has to begin somewhere, unless you want to spend your life fighting. And in my experience, those who live by the sword often die by the sword.”

“Such a death is worth dying,” the other kobold said.

“Nav said I can’t use a sword anymore, so I won’t be living by that now,” Spike replied. “But that’s okay. I have fire and teeth and claws!”

“I’d rather fight to protect my friends than do nothing and let them die,” I said. “If that means avenging them instead, so be it. It just so happened that Gilda was a little bit less dead than I thought.”

“You do not see the… irresponsibility in that?” Zecora slowly asked.

“Look, the dude’s dead. Talking about it isn’t going to unkill him, Zecora."

“It might prevent another wrongful death.” Who said it was wrongful?

I sighed and ran a gauntleted hand down my face. It removed a lot of soot I hadn’t even realized was there. “If I had known Gilda was still alive, I wouldn’t have killed him. But if he hadn’t tried killing her, this wouldn’t even be a problem. The question shouldn’t be ‘why did you kill him’, it should be ‘why was he throwing a visitor into a volcano’. Way I figure, if a dude is rude enough to throw guests into volcanos, he’s probably a piece of shit in other aspects in life, too. Talks during movies, puts his nasty feet up on your clean couch, takes credit for things other people do, and is just generally an asshole. And honestly, you can’t fix an asshole. All you can do is cut them out of your life. So I did. Look, I bet when we get down to the village, they’re going to be thanking me.”

Somehow, I had a feeling that probably wasn’t going to be the case. Judging by Zecora’s silence, she was also fairly doubtful.

A squad was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. Two were watching the villagers, several of whom were staring up at us. The soldier looking for us saluted when we got to the bottom. “Everything’s going alright so far, ma’am,” he said. “How’s Gilda?”

“Crispy, but alive,” I replied. “Flo’s talking with her now. Apparently, the fire elemental we’re here to pick up is in this volcano and saved her before she burned all the way.”

He winced and the ears of the other two fell. “So the mage…?”

“Joined Gilda in the volcano. Apparently the fire elemental didn’t see a need to save him.”

“...Well then.” He looked behind himself at the village for a moment before looking back to me. “Orders, ma’am?”

“We’re going to join Watcher and Rarity. Spike, let them go.” Spike released the two kobolds, who darted away from us and into the crowd.

“Are you sure you should stay here, ma’am?” he asked. “After… that?”

“If something is going to happen, it is going to happen soon,” I replied. “I would rather be here for whatever may come. Lead the way.”

He saluted for a short moment before turning back to his two squadmates. “Lead the way through.” They started walking into the crowd, who very hastily moved to let us through. “Please stay close, my lady.”

I’m better armed and armored than all three of you. But it was his job to worry about my safety, so I did as he asked and walked right next to him. Spike and Zecora continued flanking me. The end result of all that is that I felt perfectly at ease walking through the village. I didn’t really think I needed to watch my surroundings for danger, so I did it out of curiosity instead.

None of the kobolds around us were wearing clothes, unsurprisingly. A few had piercings, but nothing too intensive. What I thought were the males were just slightly taller and slimmer than the females. Each had a short, stubby tail. They were all covered in scales and most were either green or orange, with a few variations and mixtures here and there. They had elongated snouts full of sharp teeth. Their arms ended in long claws that had scary looking talons. Each foot had claws that were about as long as the ones on their arms, though the talons on those were mostly rubbed down from walking all the time.

The village was very practical. It didn’t look like they wasted much time on decorating anything. From the look of their teeth and the lack of any farming implements, I assumed they were a purely carnivorous race. That meant they probably didn’t have much time to spend decorating. Half the huts looked like they were supported by bone instead of wood, tied with cured ligaments instead of ropes, and roofed with leather instead of thatch or tile. Several of the females watched us from windows, spears clutched in their hands. A few males stared at us from rooftops, unstrung bows at their sides.

Every single villager not staring at us from buildings were staring at us from the dirt roads next to the buildings. We were also being followed by a large crowd. I most certainly did not feel welcome and as I saw a kobold in another building sharpening stone spearheads, I suddenly felt very concerned for Zecora’s safety. She was the only one of us not covered in armor and I couldn’t help but wonder how she felt.

The good news is that we probably would have been just as unwelcome if the mage was still alive. After all, I imagine none of the kobolds had ever seen another sapient race before. Now they had ponies, a dragon, a human, and a bunch of watery things to look at. Realizing you’re not alone in the world is a scary thing, sometimes. I was hoping it wouldn’t turn into a complete bloodbath, but that was still very much a possibility.

“It wouldn’t be, if you hadn’t murdered their mage,” Flo angrily muttered in the back of my head.

Well gee, Flo, if only there were a bunch of life-loving undying entities standing nearby that could have intervened to save my friend from being thrown into a volcano.

She did not reply.

The village was not all that huge. It seemed that the chieftain or whatever was in the center of it. About two or three minutes after we started walking, a water elemental spun her way through the crowd to get to us. Brook plopped herself down in front of me and regained her form before hugging me. Turns out, it wasn’t meant for comfort or anything like that; her body hugged mine and then surged over it. She engulfed Zecora next, and that’s when I realized that she was cleaning all the soot off of us. She hit Spike last and then reformed back in front of me.

“How is Gilda, Nav?” she asked, taking the hand of mine that was not holding the axe in both of hers. I don’t know why she did that, but I let her hold it.

“Alive, no thanks to your sisters. And no thanks to me, for that matter. Blaze saved her while she was in the lava.” She turned a much darker blue. “I would like to speak to you later about Mist and Naiad.”

She sighed and looked away. “It is… time I spoke to them. Until recently, I was in no position to do it.” She looked back at me and one of her hands moved to my face. “But you reminded me who I was supposed to be,” she said, her eyes going light pink. “Do you trust me to speak to them?”

“I do. But if they pull this kind of shit again, I’m going to be very pissed at them and disappointed in you.”

“I understand.” She pulled both hands back and looked over my shoulder, at the mountain towering over the village. “So Blaze is in there.”

“He is. Are all the waters here now?”

“Most of us. I am working on getting the rest here now. We should be capable of freeing him soon.”

“Excellent. I am quite eager to move on.”

“Understandable. I assume if he saved Gilda, he took her as a host. Did you get to speak with him?”

“I did. He was under the impression that I would make a good servant. His tune changed slightly when I told him I had thirteen water elementals. Then he was being a dick, but I don’t play that game and told him to quit his shit. He wasn’t appreciative of that.”

“No, he wouldn’t be. I did not know Blaze. Mist says he was a younger one, which likely means he’ll be more impetuous. Hopefully she will temper him. If not, I might have to put him in his place.”

“Sounds kinky.” She rolled her eyes. “If you need to borrow my sword, let me know.”

“That likely will not be necessary.”

“...Likely?”

“Do you need me to show you where the others are? I believe Rarity is still speaking to their leader.”

“Nah, my guys know the way.”

She nodded. “Then I shall gather up my sisters and work on freeing him. I would like you to be there when it is time. I believe it fitting for a human to be present at the first meeting between water and fire in so long.”

“Of course, Brook. Flo will let me know when it’s time.”

“I will see you then, Nav.” She carried on her way, through the crowd of villagers that had formed up behind us. My soldiers continued walking onward, once again moving us into the heart of the village.

When we got there, we found more armored soldiers. All of these were females, wearing armor made from bones and scales and holding fairly basic spears. Each had a small pack of throwing spears with them. They surrounded a hut with a relatively high roof, upon which perched unarmored male soldiers with bows. Every one of them was staring at the axe I had in my hand. Through the windows, I could see some of my soldiers.

My squad led the way up to the front door, which was open. The one guard in front of it tapped her spear on the ground when we got there. A servant stepped out and placed a claw on her shoulder. They both stood aside and nodded at us, though the soldier was still staring right at the axe.

Not even this hut was that large. As soon as I stepped in, I could hear Rarity softly speaking. We followed the sounds of her voice right to her and Watcher. The rest of his troops were in another room, cooling their hooves and waiting for shit to hit the fan.

The chieftain was a male, I think. Given that all their frontline soldiers seemed to be female, that actually surprised me. He had much more extensive piercings. Most of them were bone, but a few looked like they might have been gold and some were glass. He also appeared fairly young, though I obviously wasn’t the best at judging their ages.

As soon as he saw me, he held up a claw, stopping Rarity’s speech about friendship or generosity or whatever. “What are you?” he asked. “And why do you have that axe?”

“I am a human and I killed your mage.” Rarity’s mouth dropped and Watcher seemed to ease back a little.

“Oh.” He looked back at Rarity and coldly said, “Continue.”

If she wasn’t surprised before (she was), that definitely shocked her (even more). “I… I… What? Nav, you… What?”

“I believe she’s asking why you aren’t concerned with me killing your mage,” I said.

The chieftain looked back at me. “If I thought I could, I would kill you where you stand. But on this day, the sky brings visitors, the fire-rock was given a brand new being as a sacrifice, several new beings show us more powers than we ever believed possible, and legends so ancient we only have rock carvings of them returned to us. You murdered my friend and stole his axe and for that I would carve you in twain and throw you in the great deep. But I must live to guide us through these times.”

“Oh. Well, the being your friend threw in the volcano happened to be a friend of mine. So I threw him in right behind her.”

“Gilda’s dead?” Rarity gasped.

“No, actually. The fire elemental saved her. She got a little bit crispy, but she’s fine now.”

“So what’s the plan?” Watcher asked.

“Head back to the ship,” I said with a shrug. “The waters are doing their thing now and there’s no reason for us to be here anymore.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll get my soldiers and Rarity out.”

“Good. Spike, fly Zecora out again.”

“You got it!”

The kobold punched the closest wall. “What about us?!”

“What about you?” I asked. Watcher was already walking out and using magic to herd Rarity next to him.

“You killed our mage, stole a holy artifact, and now you’re just leaving?!”

I looked over at Spike for a second. He shrugged at me. I looked back to the kobold and also shrugged. “Um. Yeah. I mean, what did you expect?” His eyes very rapidly went bloodshot and his claws clenched tightly. Since he didn’t have an answer, I started walking out. I’m actually surprised we all got to the doors without anyone getting attacked. We wasted no time getting up and into the air. All of Watcher’s soldiers were already flying back, each carrying their squad’s earth pony. The unicorns presumably teleported back.

When we got to the deck, Watcher was waiting for me. He saluted as soon as I touched down. “We’re all present and accounted for, ma’am.” I did a quick headcount and found that was correct. Even the naga was back on board.

“Where was he?” I asked, nodding at him.

“We left him outside the village, in case we needed a distraction,” he said. “As small as they were, we figured he could get a lot of attention. What’s going on with the elementals and Gilda?”

“The kobold mage threw Gilda into the volcano, where she was mostly killed. The fire elemental in the volcano managed to inject himself into her and keep her alive. He climbed out of the volcano in her body and healed it up. I spoke to him for a second. Dude’s a complete dick, but that’s pretty much what we expected. He agreed to work with us, and that’s what matters. The waters are working on getting up there and dealing with him. Brook wants me there when they free him.”

“Will you want an escort?”

“Just Spike. It’s poisonous at the top. Flo can probably protect me from them, but not too many others. He’s immune to that shit anyway.”

“Yes ma’am. Are you really gonna keep that axe?”

We both looked down at it. The thing looked like a fairly standard handaxe. The haft was made of some kind of ebony wood. The blade had carvings of fire on it and was blackened from burning. I closed my eyes and thought about some things that got my blood boiling. When I opened my eyes, it was on fire.

“I am going to keep it, yes,” I said. The fires flickered out as I calmed the anger.

“I did not realize it was a magic weapon. Twilight is going to be interested in studying it.”

“She’s welcome to. Speaking of which, I need to talk to her. She wanted to study a volcano.”

“Now’s the time, then,” he replied with a nod. “Are you sure it’s safe? After killing that mage and talking to their chief like that, they might not be so interested in peace.”

“That guy wasn’t dumb. He knows that if they do a thing, we’ll put their village to the torch. Or hell, since they like lava so much, I might just find a way to punch a hole in the volcano and let them have fun with that.”

His ears began twitching almost immediately, of course. “I will follow that order if you make it, but I will not like it, Nav. The kobolds mean very little to me, but all the same, none of us are murderers. I am okay with revenge. If they had killed Gilda and were violent and wanted to harm us, I would be fine with killing them. But as long as they only use soldiers, I don’t like the idea of destroying the entire village.”

“Fair enough. Genocide leaves a sour taste in my mouth, too. The elementals can look after themselves, and they’d probably be happy to protect Twilight as well. Their protection can be their own problem.”

“That seems fair,” he said with a nod. “I’ll assign a squad to watch the village and let the rest stand down for now.”

“And I’ll go talk to Twilight.” Right as I said that, Gilda landed on the deck. Her eyes were no longer on fire, though they did seem closer to orange than they were. “Then again, maybe not.” Her eyes slowly moved around the ship while I walked up to her. When she finally beheld me, I noticed that her eyes were kinda glassy. “How you feeling?”

She took a second to respond. “...Weird. I don’t… Something happened, but I don’t remember what. Where are we? What happened?”

Oh boy. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

She looked around the deck again before her eyes found mine again. “I think… something about scouting? I remember flying over an island, too.”

“Do you remember being captured?”

“No. But I know I would never let that happen!”

“I was hoping you could fill in some holes, but I guess that’s not gonna happen. Here’s what I know, then. Gilda, we’re over an island called Hawaii in the ocean west of mainland Equestria. I sent you to scout over the island. Something happened and the locals captured you.” She snorted. “They had you knocked out and tied to a pole. Before we could rescue you, they tossed you into a volcano.”

“They… they threw me in a volcano?”

“They did. Then I dropped the guy who pushed you in right behind you.”

“Heh. But how did I live, then? Did someone swoop in and get me?”

“No. You very much should have died. Do you remember why we came here?”

She blinked and her eyes went unfocused again before she finally shook her head. “Something about fire.”

“We came here to rescue a fire elemental. He happens to live in that same volcano. When you were thrown in, he saved you. I watched you climb out of that volcano, Gilda. I watched your body stitch itself back together. Hell, I watched your brain reform.”

“Huh.” She walked over to the edge of the ship and looked down at the volcano. I could barely see the water elementals around the top, but she could probably see them clear as day. “So that fire thing saved me?”

“He did. And I’m pretty sure he’s still inside of you.”

“...How’s that possible? Isn’t he made of fire?”

“Gilda, your entire body just melted and then unmelted. Asking about how shit is possible in a world with magic and ghosts and weird shit doesn’t really mean much. Just roll with it.”

She fell silent for several long seconds, still staring at the volcano. Finally, one of her talons went to my belt and she pulled out a dagger. Before I could do anything, she sliced her other talon off. It hit the deck and a new one almost immediately began growing back. My mouth and her beak dropped.

Then the pain hit her and she dropped the knife and clutched the healing stump with her remaining talon. Her eyes went wide and her head started jerking around. “Who said that?!” she demanded.

“That would be Blaze,” I said. “He’s the elemental who saved you.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do!” She went silent for another few seconds. “She’s earned it. You’re just a blob of fire!” Silence again. “I’m not your slave.” One more time. “...I’ll think about it.” She looked back up at me. “I don’t like this guy.”

“A few points. First, he can hear your thoughts. So if you want to talk to him, just think at him. Second, we can probably get him to leave if you want. That’ll be up to you. Third, he’s a dick. I’d be surprised if you did like him. Let me see your talon.”

It apparently didn’t hurt as much, so she slowly pulled her other talon away so we could see it. Sure enough, the thing was whole again. She used it to pick up the one she cut off. “Whoa.”

“That’s insane. Water elementals don’t have that kind of regeneration.”

Flo took over my mouth to say, “He is currently locked away in a volcano. At the moment, he’s incredibly powerful. Each elemental also grants their hosts different abilities of sorts. Since fire elementals are more combative than most, they’re extremely good at regenerating their hosts. Once he’s freed, the regeneration will still be powerful, but nothing like this.”

“Huh.” Gilda tossed that talon over the side, then grabbed my dagger to hand it back. “Well, I guess that could be useful.”

I slid that dagger back into its sheath. “But it takes a lot of energy to fix you up. And after all that, I imagine you’re about out of it. Go get some food and then some rest, Gilda. Try to get your bearings again and see if you can remember anything else. I’ll need Spike soon, but you can have Dash.”

“...Yeah, okay.”

She started walking off, but I quickly added, “And if you ever want to talk, I’d be happy to listen.” She stopped for a moment before continuing without replying.

Since that was taken care of, I walked back over to Watcher. He was speaking with Rarity and one of his squad leaders. “No, you didn’t fail, Rarity,” he was saying. “In fact, you did pretty much exactly what we needed you to do.”

“You needed me to do nothing?” she asked, deadpan. “I’m ever-so-pleased that I could help.”

“Cut the shit, Rarity,” I said, reaching out to boop her on the nose. She licked my finger before I could pull it away because she’s disgusting. “You kept them distracted and passive long enough for us to get what we needed and then get out.”

“We got what we needed and yet we’re still here.”

“We got what we needed from them. The elementals are still working on their shit. The point is, you were helpful.”

She stomped a hoof on the deck. “You murdered one of them and then used me to keep them from fighting you!”

“That is a huge oversimplification,” I said, waving a hand. “Why is everyone forgetting the part where he threw a random person into a volcano?”

“I’m not judging you, ma’am,” the squad leader said with a shrug. “Who does that?”

“Assholes,” I said.

“You mean like you?” Rarity sarcastically replied.

“Hey, he threw a random person into a volcano. I threw a person who throws random people into volcanos into a volcano. One is murder, one is justice. I mean, what would you do if someone threw Pinkie into a volcano?”

She sighed and said, “We’ve been over this, Nav. I would forgive them.”

“Even if they weren’t repentant at all and they were trying to throw you in next?”

The guard snorted. “I’d try to throw him in right back.”

“See, he gets it!”

She rolled her eyes. “I can certainly say that I see the appeal, but I like to believe I could get over my base instinct and reason with them.”

“Which is why you helped,” Watcher said. “We are soldiers. Our job is to act on those base instincts and deal with those who oppose us in very violent ways. The plan was to destroy the village if they hurt Gilda. You made that unnecessary.”

“And yet somehow, I feel that you wouldn’t have been overly bothered by the alternative,” she said.

“Do you know how hard blood is to get out of fur?” Watcher asked.

Rarity slowly lifted a hoof up to her forehead and massaged it for a moment. “No, I do not,” she finally said. “I swear, it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

“No, just a boulder,” the guard said. “A Grey Boulder. And also Captain Watcher and Lady Navarone.”

“And on that note, I am returning below,” Rarity said. “Goodbye to all of you.” She turned around and walked off without another word. We all watched her leave, of course; her flank was too nice not to watch.

When she was at the door, the guard laughed and said, “I love watching her walk away.”

“I know, right?” I said. “That ass is straight up hypnotizing!”

“If only her attitude was better,” Watcher said with a sigh. Of course, we both looked at him in surprise. “What? I’m your vassal now, Nav. We’re done with the military protocol.”

“True, I guess.”

“Does that mean I can say that Nav’s backside is better than Rarity’s?” Grey Boulder asked.

“You aren’t her vassal,” Watcher said. “So no.” He lifted a hoof up to his chin for a moment before looking at my hips. His horn lit up and I felt myself lifted up for a moment and slowly spun around. When I was back to facing them, he looked at the guard and nodded. “You’re right, though.”

“Very funny, old man,” I said. I’m in armor, for fuck’s sake. Despite that, it felt like my face was burning, but I’m so shameless that it had to be my imagination. “Anyway, I came back to tell you to cancel the patrols tonight. No reason to send out the night crew, now.”

“All right, I’ll let them know. I’ll still have them on the deck, just in case. And I think Rainbow Dash would be upset if she didn’t get to try out her dragon eyes.”

“I can think of a few ways to calm her down, but whatever. I’m gonna go talk to Twilight and then get out of this bucket. Find me if anything important happens.”

“You got it, ma’am,” Watcher said with a nod. He had things taken care of, so I went on my way. They continued talking behind me, but I couldn’t hear them over the hustle and bustle of the ship.

“They’re talking about how they hope you put on a skirt,” Flo said. “Or maybe a short dress. Given how tall you are, they have perfect views.”

“I hate you, Flo.”

“Love you too, Navi!”

I had a feeling Twilight would be down in the hold, doing more magical experiments. That’s where I went first and that’s also where I found her and my daughter. “How did it go?” she asked when I stepped inside.

“Pretty good, all things told,” I said. “Gilda’s alive, we found the elemental, I got a new magic weapon that you can play with all you want, and we’re currently very close to a volcano if you want to go take a look.”

“And the village?” she asked, her eyes flashing blue for a short moment.

“Mostly fine. I can tell you about it all later. We won’t be here for too long, so if you want to explore the volcano, you better do it fast.”

She shrugged. “Alright. Is that axe the magic weapon?”

“Yep. I know it reacts to anger, but I don’t know much else about it.”

“Alright. Leave it here, against a wall. I’ll take a look at it in a day or two. Is it safe down below?”

“The air is poisonous,” I said. “Sort of. The gases coming out of the volcano will probably fuck you up if you stay there long enough. I think Aqua could probably keep you safe, if she cared enough.”

“She does,” Twilight said without even missing a beat. “I’ll head up to the deck and teleport down as soon as I finish up this experiment.” I looked over at the thrashing zombie bird on the table. Its head was detached from its neck and the eyes were trying to stare Twilight down while the body struggled to free itself of the bindings she had on it.

“You have fun with that,” I said, leaning the axe against the wall. “I’m gonna go change.”

I started to go, but some purple magic on my arm stopped me. “Before you go, I do need something,” she said. Her horn lit up slightly brighter and the rest of my body started glowing. She floated me over to herself and kissed me. “There! Now I have my luck back.”

“I think you were just looking for an excuse to kiss me,” I sarcastically replied. Taya giggled.

“I wouldn’t need an excuse for that, silly!” Twilight said. To prove it, she leaned me in and kissed me again, much more tenderly. After a few seconds, I pulled away. Then I leaned in one more time and she quickly kissed me. “Gotta make sure I have my luck!” she said with a giggle. She floated me back to the door. “I’ll talk to you later, Nav!”

I shook my head and walked away. Flo, did I make Twilight addicted to kisses?

“How much time have you spent teasing and tormenting her? I think it’s fair for her to return the favor.”

Whose side are you on?

“Whichever side I happen to prefer at the moment. Right now, teasing and tormenting you seems pretty fun.”

You crude little harlot. Her only answer to that was laughter.

No one bothered me on the way to my room and it was empty, thankfully. That armor was hot as hell and not really comfortable, so I stripped out of it as quickly as I could. We were currently at the juncture where just about anything could happen, so I knew I needed to be ready to hop back up and do shit at any time. Unfortunately, that meant I couldn’t just lounge around naked in my room.

Since I was tired of being hot and completely covered in clothes, I settled on a light blouse and an airy skirt. It was hot and uncomfortable out and I didn’t want any more layers than necessary, so that was all I decided to settle on.

Flo’s giggling did not comfort me. Neither did several of the snide remarks she made that I’m going to choose not to put to print.

And Aerie’s giggling that started up when I was fully dressed most definitely did not put me at ease. It quickly picked up and I felt her all around me, picking at my clothes and blowing them about.

She only teased me for a few very long and uncomfortable seconds before grabbing a shirt from my drawer and using that as her face. “You have found my fire.”

“Yes, I did. The waters are working on getting him out of the volcano now. You’re free to join them or you can wait for him to board the ship.”

“I have waited for so long. I will not wait one instant longer than I must. I will go to him and he will be mine!”

“Leave my shirt here, please. I need that.”

“No you don’t, silly. You like feeling their stares, having them look at you with lust. But your self-delusions are of no importance to me.” The shirt fluttered to the ground and all the light wind picking at my skirt and blouse disappeared in an instant.

Might wanna warn Mist she’s going to have some competition for Blaze’s attention.

“Aerie already warned her plenty enough, trust me. If he wasn’t such a jerk, I would feel sorry for him.”

Did you tell him Mist is coming to save him?

“No, I’m going to let that be a surprise. It’ll be fun.”

I snorted and sat on the bed. Before I could start thinking about shit to do, someone knocked. I jumped right back up and pulled the door open to behold Spike. “What do you need?” I asked.

“Twilight wants me to go with her to the volcano. I guess she’s gonna study it? I dunno. You need me for anything?”

“Nah. Just stay there until I join you guys, because I’ll be going in as well.”

“Alright, Nav. I’ll see you then.”

“Yep.” He walked back up to the deck and I sat on the bed again, leaving the door open.

As soon as I was down, Taya walked in and hopped up to my lap. “Why did you go down without me?” she asked.

“I wasn’t expecting any problematic resistance.” That’s not the only reason, but it was a reason. “And you left in a hurry, so I figured you wanted to stay here.”

She sighed and pressed up against my stomach. “I never get to do anything…”

“Well, Watcher and his guys didn’t get to do anything either. The only ones that saw any action were me, Spike, and Zecora. And you woulda been with Watcher for this one, so you would have been bored.”

Her nubile filly form rolled over onto her back, so her soft tummy was presented. “I belong with you, not with Watcher. Who else is gonna protect my mommy?”

“...Me?”

“Well, yeah. But it’s also my job! I gotta keep you safe and make sure you can always come back to give me belly rubs.” She shifted again, giving me a better view of her vulnerable stomach.

“There are plenty of people who could give you belly rubs, you know,” I said, not moving my hands.

“...Yours are special.”

“That might be true. But how many belly rubs have you gotten from anyone else? Maybe theirs would feel better.”

“Just Flo and Doppel. But your hands are soft and warm and firm! Flo is cold and wet and Doppel is just faking… You love me and you’re the best mommy ever, so your belly rubs will always be the best.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it.” We sat in silence for a second or two before she squirmed. “Hm, did you want something?”

“...Yes.”

“Oh.” Another few seconds passed. Her eyes darted away from mine for a second before returning. “What did you want?”

She sighed and said, “Mommy, will you please rub my belly?”

“Of course, dear.” And so I finally began giving my good little girl the treatment she deserved. Her whimpers and moans of delight made me smile. Take it, you good little filly. Take it like the tummy slut you are! Go on, tell mommy how much you love it.

When I was good and done, she was a cute little mess. Her fur was all displaced and she had a dopey, faraway look on her face.

The look suited her.

She didn’t resist as I fell back onto the bed and pulled her into a hug. “I love you, Taya.”

“I love you too, mommy,” she dreamily sighed.

There wasn’t time to get too comfortable, because Kat chose to enter and disrupt my relaxation time. “Did you not need me today?” she asked.

“I didn’t. The goal was to avoid combat if possible and to kill everything if not. I went mage heavy to facilitate that. You weren’t needed this time.”

“I see.” She looked over at my armor, which was sitting in a corner because I was too lazy to lift it to the roof. It was unblemished because Brook cleaned it. “It appears that you did not have any difficulties.”

“I had to kill a guy, but the rest learned from his example and decided not to repeat his mistake.”

“Yes, that is typically how it works. Especially if he was one of their leaders or one of the tougher warriors. What were the locals, anyway? I still haven’t been out to look.”

“Kobolds. Basically miniature dragons without the fire breathing or wings. They weren’t so tough, thankfully. They had a mage, but his magic didn’t work against my ring. Turns out, they’re weak against being thrown into volcanoes.”

“Um. What’s a volcano?”

“You’ve never… Huh.” I guess it makes sense. It’s not like a slave in Egypt would know anything about volcanoes. “Do you know what lava is?”

“I’ve… heard the word a few times. Isn’t it liquid rock?”

“Basically. Alright, deep down under the earth, there’s so much heat and pressure that rocks melt and become magma. Eventually, the pressure gets to be too much and it has to release, so it goes up. All the ground and rock it displaces on the way up become the basis for the volcano. Magma then spouts out the top, becoming lava. That’s how islands form. We happen to be very close to a semi-active volcano right now. There’s magma in it, but it’s not currently blowing out the top. You’re free to head to the surface and look if you want.”

“I believe I will,” she replied with a nod. “Are we free to go to the island? I wouldn’t mind seeing some kobolds up close.”

“No. They aren’t too happy with us. I threw their magic user into a volcano and then took his magical weapon. All things told, we’re lucky we didn’t have to fight our way out.”

“Oh.” Her eyes looked down to Taya for a moment and a small smile appeared on her face. “You two are adorable.”

“Are you saying that I’m adorable and that she’s adorable, or that we’re only adorable together?” I asked.

“Well, you are definitely adorable. And so is she, when she’s not busy being horrifying. So the first one.”

“Cool. I think. Though I’m really not sure what about me is adorable.”

“I might tell you. Later. For now, your confusion amuses me. I’ll talk to you later, Nav.” When she walked away, I noticed her tail was curling for some reason.

“I’m not adorable,” my precious daughter cutely muttered, snuggling tighter against me.

I chose not to reply.

The next interruption I got was one that I was expecting. Flo knocked on my brain for a moment to get my attention, then said, “It’s just about time, Nav. We’ll be freeing Blaze in a few minutes.”

“Alright, I’ll head down in just a sec.” Taya shifted. “See you soon.” Flo didn’t reply, so I carefully moved my filly off of me and sat up.

“Can I go?” she asked.

“Not this time. The volcano is poisonous. Flo can keep me safe, but the other elementals have to focus fully on freeing Blaze. You’re welcome to watch from the ship, though. With luck, it won’t take long and we’ll all be back on the ship quickly.”

“Okay, mommy.” She hopped off the bed and pulled me off of it with magic. “Are you ready?”

“Not yet.” The heat from the volcano was blistering, so I didn’t really want much of my skin directly exposed to it. I grabbed a nice pair of stockings and pulled them up to my thighs, then slid on shoes. “Flo, think I’ll need my sword?”

“No. Blaze will behave and I can protect you from the locals, should they attempt anything.”

“Cool. Then I’m ready now.” Taya followed me out to the hall and then up the stairs to the deck. The same assortment of soldiers, crew, and Twilight’s friends were roaming around. Some were staring at the volcano, some were watching the village, and a few were actually being useful and doing chores on deck.

My daughter and I walked over to the side with the volcano. From where I was, I could faintly see two purple shapes, presumably Spike and Twilight, along with thirteen blobs of water. I tried leaning in to get a better look, but I don’t really know why since it was so far.

When I turned back to talk to my daughter, I found that Grey Boulder and his pegasus squadmate were behind me. The pegasus was stretching his wings and Boulder was standing at attention, legs closed. Both seemed amused by something, but I didn’t really care what. “I’ll be heading down to the volcano, if anyone needs me,” I said.

“Yes ma’am,” Boulder said. “Try uh… try not to fly over the village.” The pegasus snickered at that, for some reason.

“Why? Are they mobilizing?” I asked.

“No, no,” the pegasus said, trying not to laugh anymore. “Say uh, you need an escort? I wouldn’t mind keeping you company.”

“Nah. I’m gonna be in and out quick, just the way I like it,” I said with a nod. His ears started twitching. “I’ll see you later, Taya.”

“Have fun, mommy!” I turned back and put a foot on the ledge, then leaned into it and dove off.

The flight there was slow but steady. I avoided the village, which cost me a minute or two. As high up as I was, I doubted they could do much to me. But then, I imagine Gilda had the same thoughts. Without my armor or my weapons, I figured avoiding it wouldn’t be such a terrible idea.

Once I got up to the volcano, Flo glided over to meet me where I landed. Before she could get there, I was surrounded by wind again and Aerie said, “I will protect her for now, water. You focus on saving my soon-to-be-beloved!”

“You mean my one-and-only love?” Mist shouted from across the volcano.

“Get roasted, hussy!” Aerie shouted back.

“Blaze will slow roast me for eternity, you air-headed tart,” Mist smugly replied.

Aerie howled, but turned her attention back to Flo. “Free my fire! You can protect your slave then.”

“Very well then, Aerie,” Flo replied with a nod. She turned back to her sisters and continued doing whatever the hell waters do to free someone from a volcano.

“Thanks for the help,” I said, walking over to Twilight.

The wind followed me and Aerie said, “You’re welcome, Navarone.” Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting her to answer.

Twilight was standing next to the edge and Spike was covered in ashes and holding two handfuls of lava. There was a small orb of water covering Twilight’s head. “We having fun yet?” I asked when I joined them.

They both looked over at me. Twilight started to look back at her notes but then something seemed to register in her mind and she quickly looked me up and down. “Wow. You look very pretty, Nav.” When she spoke, the water moved out of the way of her mouth.

“Well, first impressions matter. I figured it would be nice to greet our fire looking somewhat decently.”

Spike shrugged and held up one of his hands. “High five, Nav!”

“No thank you. I prefer my skin attached to my body. How are you even holding that?”

He lifted his claws into the air and let the lava slide down his arms. “It doesn’t hurt at all. It honestly feels like a nice, warm blanket.”

“No, I meant, how are you holding onto it? I know it’s viscous, but I figured it would still be running out of your claws.”

“Magic,” Twilight said. “I wanted to test some of its properties up close, so I flew some close and enchanted it to hold together much better, then let Spike hold it.”

“I also got to go swimming,” he said with a grin.

“And it got you filthy,” I said, brushing my hand down his side and knocking off some volcanic dust. “Ask one of the waters to clean you off before you go back to the ship.”

“But I like watching Doppel bend over to clean up the ship!” he said. Twilight snorted, which just came out as bubbles.

“Too bad. Maybe if you ask nice, the water will give you a happy ending.”

“I would be pleased to assist…” Aerie whispered. Some wind picked up around Spike.

He shivered and quickly shook his head. “N-no! I’ll ask a water!” That made the air giggle, which felt pretty weird around my body. Thankfully, it was a good weird.

“Anyway, you find anything cool around here?” I asked.

“Yes, actually,” Twilight said. “Magic here is acting very strangely. I can feel it resonating in tune with the planet, though I don’t imagine you would really understand that.”

“No fucking clue what you’re talking about,” I said with a shrug.

“Let me think…” She tilted her head slightly for a moment before her face lit up. “Let’s say you had a vibrator in you at all times.”

“Oh yeah, this’ll be good,” I said, smirking.

“Normally, it’s on a very low setting, because you wouldn’t want to get too excited. But when you want to feel cute and you dress up in a nice skirt and no panties around a bunch of cute stallions, you turn it up so it’ll smell like you’re in heat. That’s what it was like when we got to this island for me. Then a few of them pick you up and you give them the controller so they can play with it. That’s what it’s like standing right here, on this volcano. All unicorns can feel magic in the air. Those of us who study magic more can feel it much better and are more in tune with its ebbs and flows. The only time I’ve ever not noticed it was in the dead center of Africa. Right here, it’s… insanely intense.”

“Well, your tail’s not raised, so it’s obviously not quite like having a vibrator in you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Way to take the analogy literally. Slut. What I feel isn’t pleasure. It’s like a resonation deep in my mind. It’s… indescribable for someone who hasn’t felt it. And different types of magic have different types of resonances. This is a mix of earth and fire elements, so it’s strong and fast, like your heartbeat after running.”

“Neat. Can you do anything with it?”

“Yes. Sort of. Tapping into the actual magic here is extremely dangerous, but any earth or fire elemental magic would be greatly enhanced. If I actually tapped into the latent magic in the air, I could create entirely new islands. I could bathe the island and several dozen kilometers around it in fire. But tapping into natural, latent magic removes the normal limit on a unicorn’s body and if I didn’t carefully watch my magic output, I could very easily burn myself out entirely.”

“...Would you explode?” I slowly asked.

“No. But with this much magic, everything within a hundred kilometers would. And if I survived, my horn would turn to ash and I would be in a coma. If I ever woke up, I could never do magic again.”

“That sounds pretty shitty. Don’t do that.”

“Okay.” She turned back to her notes and jotted a few more things down. A few seconds after that, her ears twitched. “Now?” A second went by and she nodded. “Alright, we need to move. It’s time.” We all looked around the volcano. The water elementals were moving into positions around the edge. Flo and Aqua were already next to us.

So we backed up about as far as we could get, because none of us really knew what was about to happen and only Spike wanted to get bathed in more lava. Once all thirteen waters were in position, they stretched out their arms to either side, linking them together. When they were connected, their bodies started flowing into each other until they lost any semblance of individuality. Finally, they began oozing up to form a dome around the top of the volcano.

As soon as their tips touched, the dome immediately sank into the volcano. It didn’t take too long for the lava to begin hissing and spitting out steam. It sounded like the dome was saying something, but I couldn’t tell what.

“Waters are so dramatic,” Aerie whispered, caressing my hair with her gentle wind.

“They definitely can be,” I said.

“Aqua told me to slap you for that,” Twilight said.

“...Are you going to?”

“I’ll give you a spanking tonight. That’s like slapping, right?” Spike groaned and Twilight and I giggled.

“Don’t be jealous, Spike,” I said. “I’m sure Twilight wouldn’t mind spanking you, too.”

“He hasn’t been naughty,” Twilight said.

“I know how to behave,” he said with a nod. “Unlike some naughty little human we all know.”

“Little compared to who, exactly?” I asked with a smirk.

“Well, your chest is tiny compared to Twilight’s, that time she was a human,” Spike replied.

“Go fuck yourself, Spike,” I said, crossing my arms. Of course, that got all three of them giggling.

Thankfully, it seemed that the shit the waters were doing was coming to an end. Their dome was now pure white and retracting out of the volcano. When it was finally level with us, we beheld the fire elemental Blaze.

He was taller than Nestorats, but not by much. His horns jutted and spiralled about half a meter above his head, each one a black tube that ended in sharp points. His head had no definite form and seemed to flicker with every movement. When he realized he was free, he slowly stretched out his arms. They had no joints at all and while we watched, he made a large three headed flail appear in one of his claws with fingernails of flame. He swung it in two wide arcs before letting it vanish. That done, he began walking toward us. Each leg bent the wrong way and steam came from the water elementals under him each time his large talons pressed against them.

Once he finally got to the actual rim of the volcano, the waters began retracting and slowly started forming back into their bodies. He didn’t stop to wait for them and continued walking toward us. Every instinct in my body was telling me to stay the hell away from that guy, but I wasn’t too interested in listening to them. Instead, I started walking toward him.

Finally, we stood in front of each other. Twilight was behind me on my right and Spike to my left. “Welcome back to the world, Blaze,” I said. I tried to force a smile to my face, but I couldn’t.

“So you are a human,” he slowly said. One of his arms shot out, making Spike flinch and Twilight gasp. But he just carefully caressed my face, almost making me flinch back from the heat. “When this is done, my flail will meet your blade, creator against created, and only the strongest will walk away.”

“We’ll see what the future brings, Blaze. But for now, there’s someone who’s been waiting a long time to see you.” I nodded behind him, where a very pink water elemental was standing with a large smile on her face.

He turned and looked, then took a step back. “I-is that…”

Mist held her arms out. “I told you I would never leave you, my love. You are mine forever!” She began moving forward, but Blaze took another step back.

“No! Was it not enough to lock me on this infernal island?! You wretched water, must you hound me even now?!” Um. What?

“Now, now, Blaze. You don’t want to make a scene, do you?” Mist sweetly asked, though she was starting to turn slightly red. “Don’t forget what happened the last time you tried acting out.”

“You forced me onto this island!”

“I just wanted to help protect you. It’s a very dangerous world, and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to my beloved. I know you’re scared and confused, but Mist is here.” She moved forward a little more, prompting him to take another step backward. Since he was getting uncomfortably close to me at that point, I decided to step out of the way. “I had to keep you safe, my lovely fire. After all, we were made for each other! I just had to give you enough time to realize it.”

“You almost killed me!”

“But I slowly nursed you back, letting you build your strength more and more and showing my love for you every day.” She was more red than pink, now. “And I gave you so many worshippers to show how much I cared!”

“You gave me spies and prison guards so I could never try to leave.”

“Why would you ever want to leave me, silly? I knew you couldn’t really want that. I just had to make sure you didn’t try hurting yourself, at least until you realized how much you truly loved me.”

Blaze growled and summoned his flail again. “I despise you, water. But I’m no longer weak. I am not recovering from a battle, not now. Touch me if you dare!”

Mist turned bright red and her form expanded. “THEN MAYBE YOU BELONG BACK IN YOUR HOLE FOR ANOTHER MILLENNIUM!” She surged forward, but was blocked by a huge blast of air that threw her back several meters.

“STAY AWAY FROM MY FIRE!” Aerie howled, working herself up to a full tornado.

I turned to Twilight and Spike, who were watching the scene with horror and strange fascination. “I think this is a family matter, guys.” The howling behind me started picking up in intensity. “Yeah, it’s time for us to go. Spike, grab Twilight.” He wrapped his arms around her middle and took off. I immediately joined him. After a brief struggle against Aerie’s winds, I got off the mountain and picked up as much speed as I could. Flo, let us know when that’s all sorted and we’ll pick you guys up.

She very loudly sighed.

By the time we got back to the ship, everyone on deck was staring over the side at the volcano. I hadn’t looked back and I honestly didn’t want to. “So that could have gone better,” I said when we were all safely on board.

“It… looks like they’re fighting,” one of the guards said.

“They’re a very dysfunctional family,” I replied.

“And I thought my family was bad,” Doppel quietly said.

“Didn’t they have you tortured?” I asked.

“Yeah, but they didn’t actually try to kill me.” She gasped. “Ooh, that one was close!”

“Are they gonna be doing this when we get them on the ship?” one of the crew unicorns asked.

“No. I have an ice sword and a fire axe for any uppity elementals that feel like starting trouble on my ship. If they want to swing around flails or get all big and red, they can wait until they are no longer on a magic flying wooden ship full of people. And I dunno, I guess if Aerie acts up, I can spank Pinkie or something. I’ll figure something out.”

The ensuing silence told me they weren’t too enthusiastic about their odds. To be fair, I wasn’t either. Flo, you tell them to get everything out of their systems now. I don’t want this shit on the ship.

“I’m a little busy now, Nav.”

I shook my head and started walking to the door down. Spike and Twilight followed, so I looked over at the dragon. “You better take a fucking shower, Spike. You’ll regret not doing it if you get your bed all sooty.”

“Okay, mom.”

“And don’t forget to wash behind your weird ear spine things,” I said. “And then get dinner. You never have enough meat on your bones, young man!”

“Are you gonna tuck me in, too?” he sarcastically asked.

“Nah, dragons have sheaths. I can’t tuck you in.”

“Do I even want to know?” Twilight asked.

“Human guys that want to look like chicks will tuck their dick in between their legs to hide their bulge,” I said. “And I’ve heard a story or two about insane mothers who wanted girls but got boys to tuck them in with glue or something and raise them like girls.”

“You could have just said no,” she sighed, hanging her head.

We were now at my room, so I ducked inside. They continued on their way, Spike to a shower and Twilight presumably to her room.

After a few minutes had passed, Taya wandered in. “They’re still going at it,” she said, hopping up onto the bed.

“I told Flo to make sure they got it all out of their systems, so hopefully they’ll tire themselves out and get all the anger done with.”

“How is Blaze even gonna stay on the ship, anyway? Won’t he burn it up?”

“...Hopefully not. I’m sure the waters took that into consideration. Besides, he’s not entirely fire, just mostly. There’s gotta be some corner we can just shove him into or something.”

She pursed her lips, but didn’t say anything about it. A few seconds later, she said something else, though. “I think your guard stallions are perverts.”

“I’m not surprised in the slightest.” She didn’t say anything, so my mind couldn’t help but go to somewhere bad. “They didn’t… touch you, did they? Are you in heat or something?”

Her head slowly turned to mine and her disbelieving eyes met my concerned ones. “Are you being serious?”

“Taya, I can’t tell when ponies are in heat. My nose isn’t that sensitive. Unless they tell me or I can work it out from their behavior, I have no clue.”

“I am not in heat and they didn’t touch me.”

“Oh.” She shook her head and went back to staring at the wall. “So why are you saying they’re perverted?”

She lifted a hoof to her head and massaged it for a second before hopping off the bed. “I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to you later, mommy. And that’s a very nice skirt you’re wearing. Nice and short. And obviously you think it’s a little warm, since you have nothing under it.”

“Taya… Why are you looking up my skirt?”

“I wasn’t.” She walked right on out, ignoring all my followup questions.

Once she was gone, I picked at the skirt for a moment before shaking my head. “Flo, what was she talking about?”

“I’m still a little bit busy here, Nav!” I rolled my eyes and grabbed the Celestia doll I took from Canterlot. It was currently a better and less judgmental cuddle buddy than my daughter. The original plan was to give it to Taya to get her used to the idea of seeing Celestia a lot more and also acting as a teddy bear, but she laughed at me for a while after suggesting it.

While I was contemplating ways to make Taya suffer for being mean, Kat silently slipped into my room. I didn’t notice she was there until the door slid shut with a loud click. She was turning back to face me when I looked up. Our eyes met for a short period of time before hers flicked to the Celestia doll.

“Am I… interrupting something?” she slowly asked.

“My daughter didn’t feel like cuddling, so I had to make do. She also didn’t like the doll I got for her, so I had to keep it.” Her eyes met mine again. “Did you need something?”

“Yes, but I am… not sure how to go about it.”

“Directly. I know that’s not really how assassins tend to do it, but it works out great for me most of the time.”

She paused for a moment before shrugging. “I want to have sex with you. I have never been with another female and I think I might find it a pleasureable experience. But I do not have fingers, my tongue is uncomfortable against bare flesh, and I don’t have toys. I’ve been considering it for a while and finally decided that I could make something work if you were even interested in trying it with me.”

“I’m willing to try it, but right now’s a bad time. Also, next time we’re in Canterlot, you should head to the Crop. It’s a super famous and popular sex toy store. They love seeing unique or rare species in there. They’ll probably offer you a discount if you do some stuff, but they won’t push it if you’re not interested.”

“What… kind of stuff?”

“Well, when I was a dude, they wanted a cast of my dick. Last time I was there, they had a few on shelves. I think it was called the ‘otherworldly ape-beast’ or something like that. And once I got a vag, they asked for a cast of that, too. Let me tell you, getting that made was an interesting experience. I’m kinda interested in seeing how that one turned out, too.”

She sighed and slowly ran a paw down her face. “I will never understand how ponies can be so shameless!”

“Kat, they don’t have hands. If they wanna get off, they can’t just jerk it. They either have to fuck or use a toy. They can also only get pregnant when they’re in heat and automatically abort the fetus if they don’t want it. And I haven’t seen any signs of STDs at all, so there’s literally no risk involved with sex.”

“I don’t know what a lot of that means, but I’ll take your word for it.” She eyed the doll again before walking in further and tossing it aside. Before I could ask why, she slid into bed and hugged me instead. “I’m afraid I’m not your daughter, but I hope I’m good enough for now.”

“You’re much better than my daughter. I can actually kiss you and it’s not weird. Or fuck you.” She grinned and leaned in to make good on that first one. When she was done, I continued, “But we can’t do too much at the moment. Once we’re on the way back to Equestria, sure. But we gotta pick up the elementals after they get done trying to kill each other.”

She leaned in next to my ear and whispered, “Then I’ll only nibble a little…” She ended that with gently biting on my ear and one of her paws went to my feathery wing. Her other paw reached behind me and slowly hiked up my skirt. “Oh my, no panties back here, hm?”

“Yes to the wing and kisses, no to anything lower than the belt,” I said, shifting my legs slightly. “For now.” She sighed and lowered the skirt again. “If you give me until tomorrow night, I can probably make some arrangements and borrow some things and we can make this work a lot better.”

“Cats are not known for our patience…” she purred. The paw that was at my skirt slowly trailed up my back before gripping the back of my head. Her claws bared out and she tickled my scalp to pull me in for another kiss.

When she finally pulled away, I said, “You’ve been waiting this long. You’ll have to wait another day. Channel your inner assassin. I’m sure you’ll find some patience somewhere.”

The paw on my wing suddenly became sharp and she pulled me very close. “I am… trying to fight myself, Nav,” she whispered. “Everything I am is screaming at me to take you in any way I can.”

“Alright, you see, there’s a such thing as too much information and directness. Now I’m feeling a lot less comfortable about this.”

She completely pulled away from me and snarled. One paw went to her face and the other just bared its claws repeatedly. That was kinda creepy, but I slowly eased forward and wrapped her in a gentle hug. The sounds she was making were absolutely inhuman, but I couldn’t judge her for that given that she wasn’t actually a human.

Once she was done making horrible noises, both paws went to her face and she curled in. She began muttering something that slowly picked up in intensity until I realized she was just chanting, “Stupid!” over and over.

I leaned in and kissed the back of her neck, making all her fur stand on end. There was no way for me to tell what else was happening since my face was buried into her fur, but she stopped muttering. Her body slowly relaxed as I continued kissing her.

Finally, she sighed and shifted, so I pulled back. “Forget I asked about this, my lady,” she quietly said before pulling away and standing up. She started to walk off, but I managed to grab her tail before she could get too far, making her stop.

“Kat, what’s happening here?” I asked. “You don’t have to tell me, but I want you to.”

Her shoulders slumped and she jerked her tail away so she could face me. I could immediately tell she had actually been crying while calling herself stupid. “When I first met you, before you even woke up, I decided I was going to make you mine. My predatory nature craved your submission. Your wings and your… I wanted you. So I claimed you, in full view of the camp. I claimed you in every way I could think to, but I couldn’t break your mind. I didn’t realize that until it was too late. Then later, I saw you again and realized I still wanted you, so I tried to make you dependent on me so I could own you in a different way. That failed and you abandoned me yet again… And in the time we were apart, I was able to think. A lot. And I realized that my nature is wrong. But it’s become an… an obsession. I’m trying to fight it so much and when you finally became female, I thought it would be done, I’d be free. But I wasn’t. Then my chance came to bind myself to your service so I could never be the one to own you in the hope that I wouldn’t want to anymore. But I still did. And then you lost your wing and I thought surely, this was my moment. But no, it wasn’t. And my head is all messed up and I want to break you but I know I shouldn’t and I want to make you mine but I know you aren’t and I HATE BEING A STUPID PREDATOR!”

Her claws bared and she slashed the wall, breaking a few of them.

“I HATE THE PHEROMONES!”

She slashed it with her own paw, breaking even more.

“I HATE THE BURNING EMOTIONS!”

She hit it again, breaking the rest off her first paw.

“I HATE THE UNSTOPPABLE URGES!”

And there went the last ones on her second paw.

“I JUST WANT TO FORGET ALL MY FEELINGS!”

She leaned her head back and started to rush in to head butt the wall before I jumped in front of her. Instead, she hit my chest and immediately started crying. I hugged her and stopped her from falling any further, though I didn’t really feel like supporting her so instead I just helped her to the floor.

So instead of breaking her face against the wall and probably either knocking herself out or just earning her an immediate trip to Black Fate, she clutched at me with bleeding paws and cried into my chest for several long and honestly kinda awkward minutes.

When Flo finally cleared her throat in my mind, I decided it was probably time for me to think of something to say. I kinda zoned out there for a while, so I didn’t really have anything prepared. But winging it usually worked out pretty well, so, you know, whatever.

“Alright Kat, I’m gonna level with you here.” She sniffled and stopped sobbing for the most part. “All that shit you said you hated while fucking up my wall is absolutely normal.” That made the sobs stop entirely. “I mean, completely and one hundred percent normal for literally every sapient species, from humans to ponies to cats to dragons. Some races are affected by pheromones a little bit differently, but the rest of that is shit literally everyone goes through.”

“W...What?”

“No shit, completely true. None of that is predator specific. I mean, I’d tell you to read a book, but you spent most of your life being a slave so I can completely understand not realizing that. But no, yeah, that shit’s all normal. You won’t go anywhere and not see that. Unstoppable urges? Shit dude, I got raped by a crazy naga bitch for the same reasons you wanted to do it. Raped by ponies when they were in heat, too. And I almost got killed by my best friend back when I was still in the human world.” On accident, but she didn’t need to know that.

“I… I don’t…”

“And the burning emotions? Dude, you shoulda seen Fluttershy that one time she thought someone was gonna hurt me. She went crazy and beat the shit out of him. And Rarity got super pissed and tried attacking me when I called her ugly. Let’s see… Oh yeah, the naga goes apeshit in battles. Totally horrifying, believe me. And Cadance’s love for Shiny is kinda creepy at times. Oh, and Luna has an intense and burning jealousy for her sister. Hell, the elementals are currently beating the shit out of each other because Mist loves Blaze but he hates her.”

She shifted slightly against me.

“Don’t even get me started on pheromones. As far as I know, all races get fucked up on that shit. Ponies get rapey, humans get clingy, dragons get even more hoardy and jealous, and I don’t really know about the rest of them but I’m sure they all get fucked up somehow.”

Her body finally started pulling away from me, but I didn’t let her go just yet.

“Point is, all that shit you said is completely normal and you’re not odd for feeling any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super weirded out by the part where you said you wanted to break me or whatever and don’t do that or I’ll be very pissed, but the rest is normal.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m really shitty at this sometimes. Flo’s usually coaching me but she’s currently busy and you know what, never mind. Kat, I would not have made you a vassal if I did not trust you. I gave you responsibility because I believe you can handle it. And if you can’t at the moment, I believe you can and will learn how to.”

She fell silent for what felt like quite a while, minus the occasional sniffle. She finally leaned back against me and quietly said, “Thank you, Nav.”

“No problem, Kat.” I slowly patted her back a few times before asking, “How do your paws feel?”

“They hurt like fire.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet.” I pushed myself to my feet and helped her stand. “Go talk to the medic. He probably can’t make them grow back, but he can do something for the pain. I need to go talk to the captain because I’m pretty sure it’s time to pick Flo up. But we’re going to have another talk tomorrow.” Her ears fell. “Don’t worry, Kat. I’m not angry. Yes, I’m a little concerned about you still wanting to break me, but I might have a solution for that.”

“...You might?”

“I dunno, maybe? That’s what we’ll talk about tomorrow. Until then, please remember that you’re not unusual.” Aside from going through your emo stage several years later than average. “Everyone feels things and sometimes they feel them very strongly. Being able to temper your emotions with your thoughts is what makes us above the animals.” Flo snorted. “And knowing when to give in to those emotions…” And throw a piece of shit into a volcano. “...Is also important.” I imagine that made my elemental roll her eyes.

She pressed her body against mine again, though she took care not to put her poor little paws near me. “That means more to me than you probably think, Nav. I never really… I never considered how other races thought or felt about things… Knowing they’re the same is comforting. Knowing I’m not alone is good. And knowing you aren’t angry with me is relieving.”

“I’m happy to hear that, Kat. If the medic asks, just tell him you fell down some stairs.”

“Okay, I will.” Oh man, let me know how that works out for you. She finally walked to the door, her tail back to waggling aimlessly. When she got to it, she lifted up a paw and almost grabbed the handle. “Um…” I went and opened it for her. “Thanks.” She went further into the ship while I went to the deck.

Once I got up there, I realized we were already moving. I went up to the wheel, where I found Smiles and the crazy mare that wanted my vag. “So I see we’re moving,” I said.

“Ice told me they were ready and that you were busy,” Smiles said with a shrug. “We’re heading to the volcano now.”

“Alright, cool. Amber, don’t drop the ladder until you hear back from me. Smiles, let’s go.”

“Um. Where are we going?”

“Down.” I walked to the side and hopped off. He followed me down to the volcano, because what else was he gonna do?

As soon as I got into the air, I noticed how fucked up the top of the volcano was. Before, the lava was at least a dozen meters under the rim. Now, it was leaking on one side, thankfully not the side with the village, and it was cracked and damaged in several other places. The towering fire elemental was still holding his flail and from the dancing flames coming off his body, I imagine Aerie was surrounding him. Three waters were holding a quivering red blob at bay.

Smiles and I landed between the group of waters and the fire. Two waters, presumably Ice and Flo, oozed over to provide us watery masks against the poisonous smoke. After I got over essentially drowning in Flo, I held up a hand and waved to the group of waters. “Brook, over here.” One of the waters holding what I assumed was Mist broke off and joined me as I walked to Blaze and Aerie. “So what just happened?” I asked when we were all together.

Blaze immediately pointed at Mist and said, “She is crazy.”

“Yes, thank you for that,” I sarcastically replied. “Let’s get a little more specific, shall we?”

His body shifted and he slammed the flail into the ground less than half a meter in front of me. I crossed my arms and lifted an eyebrow. Once he realized I wasn’t intimidated, he let the weapon go and it disappeared, leaving a few more craters in the volcano. “During the war, I spared her life. She decided she loved me, so she stalked me, waited until I was injured, saved me, kidnapped me when I said I didn’t return her feelings, brought me here, and held me prisoner until I locked myself into the volcano, where she could no longer get me.”

Smiles rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Shut up, Smiles,” I sighed, massaging the bridge of my nose.

“Yes ma’am,” he quietly replied.

I turned to Brook and that’s when I realized Flo and Ice also followed us over. That wasn’t important, so I asked, “Can you guys unfuck Mist?”

“You mean, make her fall out of love?” Brook asked.

“Yes, that. Or at least, make her not fucking crazy. I mean, fuck, you’re all computers anyway. Can you guys reprogram her?”

“Fuck you too, Nav,” Flo said, giving me a middle finger.

“Thanks for your productive contribution, Flo,” I replied. She blew me a kiss, so I returned her middle finger.

“To answer your question, no,” Brook said. “And even if we could, I wouldn’t.” I slowly looked back at Blaze, who was still burning red hot. Then I looked back at Brook. “...Even though I really want to.”

“Fair enough. Alright, next question. Anyone know if the earth elemental is trapped? And part two to that question: If he is trapped, do we need Mist to free him? Or the other fire?”

The volcano suddenly seemed uncomfortably silent. Brook finally slowly asked, “What are you implying, Anonymous?”

“...That we ask Celestia to lock Mist up until we have time to deal with her craziness later?”

“Oh. That’s a lot… Never mind.”

“Did you think I meant to kill her?” I incredulously asked.

“You did just murder that mage,” Ice awkwardly said, turning slightly green.

“First, go fuck yourself,” I said. “Second, you could have prevented that if you just… Never mind, this isn’t productive. Alright, here’s the dealio: That bitch is crazy and just instigated a fight that scared the shit out of my crew. They’re worried that this is going to repeat itself when we’re, say, flying. Because it’s an airship. And if there’s gonna be a historical reenactment of the elemental war, doing it on an airship is a really bad idea. So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say a lot of us, most notably those of us that actually have to breathe and have bones that can break, are somewhat reluctant to have a ticking fucking time bomb on board.”

“What’s a ticking time bomb?” Smiles asked. Everyone looked at him. He hung his head and said, “Shutting up now…” We all went back to looking at Brook, except for Brook, who went back to looking at me.

“We will need her to save the next fire,” Brook said. “But we will not need her to save the earth. We also will not need Blaze or Aerie to save the next fire, so we can leave them somewhere.”

“Aerie, how did you like Canterlot?” I asked.

“It was wonderful,” she said. “Tall terraces, lovely clouds, flowing falls… It’s an air’s paradise!”

“Good. Can you keep Blaze from destroying it?”

“She will not need to,” he replied. “If it means I am away from that… water, I will behave.”

“Good. I’ll handle getting Celestia to agree to it. Somehow. Maybe. If that doesn’t work, I have backup options.” Here’s hoping fire demons from human nightmares are foal friendly...

“So that handles everything after we drop off Blaze,” Brook replied. “So what about until then?”

“Well, who says you have to take the airship back?” I asked.

She blinked, her eyes going orange. “Oh yeah. We know where the next fire is. I’ll leave Flo, Ice, Cascade, and Naiad with you. The rest will come with me in the ocean. We can probably move faster than you, but we also have a lot more distance to cover since the Panama Canal doesn’t exist anymore.”

“...Wait, really?”

“Yeah, it’s gone. It was completely artificial, so it eroded pretty quickly after the humans stopped taking care of it.”

Well, now I have a really good future investment idea. Flo rolled her actual eyes. “Good to know. Whoever gets there first can wait, then. I still need to find Reginald anyway, so you’ll probably be cooling your heels for a minute.”

“Then I’ll see you on the other side, Nav,” Brook said, holding out a wet hand.

I took it in mine and shook it, making her eyes go pink. “Until then, Brook.”

Once the moment was over, she oozed back to her main group of sisters and most of them started dragging an increasingly angry Mist away. Cascade and Naiad joined those of us who were staying while the others descended the mountain toward the village. “Are they staying here?” Smiles asked.

“That’s a very good question, actually,” I said, turning to look at the group of waters.

“We discussed it,” Flo said with a shrug. “We were highly considering asking you to wait here for a little while so we could talk to the villagers. But we’ll probably beat you to Iceland, especially given your tendency to get sidetracked in Canterlot, so they’re probably just going to stay here for a little while.”

“Whatever.” I looked back to the two new lovebirds. “Blaze, can you climb a ladder?”

“He won’t need to,” Aerie said. “I shall ferry him aboard.” At that point, the ship was close enough for the ladder to have actually reached us, so it wasn’t really that long of a flight. She wasn’t one for waiting for instructions, so they immediately took off.

I had a feeling that would lead to disaster, so I joined them in the air. Smiles followed me up to the ship and the water elementals all converged together and stretched up to grab onto it.

By the time I landed, Aerie and Blaze were already on board, being stared at by several very nervous looking ponies. I walked over to stand in front of the two elementals. “Welcome aboard, Blaze,” I said.

“A flying ship made of wood,” he slowly said, reaching a painfully hot hand out to one of the rails. “You do remember that I am made of fire, correct?”

“Yeah, I was really hoping the waters had a solution for that,” I said. Thankfully, the waters actually did manage to get back up to the deck. “Please tell me you had a solution for that.”

“His feet aren’t made of fire,” Flo replied. “So as long as he doesn’t go into the ship, everything should be fine.”

“Thanks for the proactive solution, Flo,” I sarcastically replied.

“Better than yours,” she muttered.

We all turned back to the glowing ball of fire that was starting to look increasingly red. “So there’s your answer, Blaze. Stay on deck and hope it doesn’t rain.” Of course, that made him go a lot more red. “Alright, I’ll put it this way: Would you rather be a love prisoner of a psychotic water elemental? Because I mean, we can make those arrangements. Mist is still down there, just waiting.” That did absolutely nothing to abate his rage.

Naiad surged forward and put a wet tentacle on my arm. “We’re sorry for the poor arrangements, cousin. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of being made of fire is that accommodations aren’t simple. Which was, of course, the point. It’s hard to settle down when you can’t make a safe home, so you constantly have to keep moving and fighting for new land.” That makes a lot of sense, actually. “The journey to Canterlot is not a long one, and should it rain, we can make sure you do not get wet.”

Aerie shot forward to get right up in Naiad’s face. “You will stay away from him, water! Your siblings have done enough damage to my lovely fire!”

“I can speak for myself,” Blaze softly replied. He lost a lot of his red and was back to what I was hoping was his standard orange state. “I appreciate your thought, air, but do not become that whom you seek to replace.” Aerie gasped in surprise and Naiad actually seemed to flinch. “I will take that assistance should it rain, water. Perhaps it will help repair the damage your bitch of a sister has done to my opinion of your kind.”

Naiad said and held a hand up to him. “On behalf of all of us—”

“Save it.” Aerie giggled and snuggled against her fire elemental. He continued, “Actions speak louder than words, water. We shall see what yours will say.”

My other arm was also grabbed by a watery tentacle and Naiad pulled me away from Blaze, toward the group of other waters. She set me down in the center of them and very calmly said, “Please stop provoking the extremely violent being made of fire on your wooden ship, Navarone. And also please don’t provoke him when you’re not on your wooden ship, either. In fact, provoking people in general is usually a pretty bad idea.”

I slowly reached a finger out and placed it again Naiad’s lips. “Shhhhh.” She turned several shades more red. “Can we talk about the fact that you almost got Gilda murdered because you were too chickenshit to go talk to your own ex-subjects?”

If you wouldn’t have called her red before, that definitely turned her bright scarlet. “Navarone, we literally just talked about provoking others.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t listening.” The tentacles gripping my arms got very tight very quickly.

Flo decided to step in and placed a hand on one of Naiad’s arms. “Please save choking my host for later. Fires respect strength, including strength of mind. They also refuse to take lip. Navarone is not stupid, despite how convincingly she plays the act. For the moment, Blaze is calm and while I wouldn’t say he would obey Nav’s orders, I think he would be amenable to following the ones he agreed with.”

Silence took over for a few seconds before Naiad’s grip loosened and she lost a few shades of redness. Then Ice had to ruin it with, “I gotta side with Lady Navarone for this one. Why didn’t you let me save Gilda?”

Naiad sighed and released me, then smoothed my blouse with those same tentacles. “Because the need of the many outweigh the need of the few,” she coldly replied. “Gilda is one cog in a large mechanism that is working to save the world. I do not like it, but she is replaceable.”

“No one is replaceable,” Cascade replied, placing two hands on my shoulders and pulling me back against herself.

“That’s the path Brook chose,” Ice said. “And that’s the path she realized was wrong and fell away from! It’s our job to protect all life, all the time, not just when it’s convenient for us. Otherwise, what’s the point? How much of ourselves do we lose when we refuse to think about the little picture?”

The accused elemental leaned back and ran a tentacle down her face. When that was done, the scowl on it was replaced with a kind smile. “This is a conversation for family, Nav. We’ll speak to you later.”

“If you let another one of my crew members die, I’m gonna have your sisters hold you down and let Pinkie and Rainbow Dash take turns blowing bubbles in you.” All four of them went silent. Cascade slowly released me. “Alright, that sounded a lot less gross in my head.” They all decided to start leaving without saying another word. “For the record, I meant with their mouths!”

I shook my head and turned to the stairs heading up, only to end up face to air with Sunshine Smiles. “If it makes you feel better, I understood.”

“It doesn’t.”

He sighed and hung his head. “I know…” I started walking and he followed. “I was really impressed with how you handled Blaze, Nav. I can’t believe you just stood there when he slammed that flail down.”

“I have stared down undead abominations that tried to eat me and steal my soul for all eternity. Honestly, it takes a lot to actually scare me these days.” I looked over at Blaze, who was staring down at the volcano. “Besides, he isn’t gonna hurt me. Not yet.”

“What do you mean, not yet?” Smiles asked. We were starting to walk up the stairs and his eyes followed me up. “Oh, and I can see right up your skirt, by the way. I know you don’t care, but a lot of the other guards talk about it and how sexy they think you are.”

Oh, so that’s what Taya was talking about. “Thank you for letting me know. And also thank you for being normal again. The sexual harassment was getting old.”

“I know, ma’am.”

We got to the top and to the helmsmare, who was still the chick who wanted to eat me out. “We’re heading back to Canterlot, Amber. If you see the captain before I do, let him know that he can plot the course back as long as we don’t take longer than two weeks once we hit land.”

“You got it, Nav,” she said. “Say, do you mind keeping me company tonight?”

“Can’t, unfortunately.” I looked out to the horizon, where the moon would have probably been in full view if it wasn’t still overcast. Night had fallen an hour or so ago. “I need to head to bed. Flo’s keeping me awake at the moment, but that’s not healthy for me.”

She sighed and nodded. “I understand. Sweet dreams, Nav.”

“Nah, I’ll just play in someone else’s.” She giggled and Smiles and I started back below. “To answer your other question, Blaze won’t try to hurt me until Discord is dead. No matter how pissed I might make him, he wants revenge on Discord more than he will ever want to hurt me, and at the moment, I’m giving him the best chance to get that.”

“Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense.”

“Unfortunately, trying to use violence against a thing that was probably created because of violence in the first place won’t work. I think. Or maybe it will, I dunno.”

Smiles stopped in his tracks for a few seconds, then had to hurry to catch back up. “Nav, be honest: How much of any of this is planned and how much are you just making up as you go along?”

“You don’t want to know the answer to that, Smiles.” We were back in the ship now, at the bottom of the stairs.

He stopped and grabbed my demon wing to make me stop, so I did him the favor of turning to face him. “Do you at least have a plan to beat Discord?”

“Psh, hell no. Why do you think I let Twilight fuck me to the point of exhaustion every night, and muck about in everyone else’s dreams instead of staying in my own? I’m absolutely fucking horrified and I have a feeling we’re all gonna die horribly. I’m really hoping the elementals have a plan or that the Elements of Harmony can give us more time, because at the moment, we’re dancing to his tune, and I’m afraid I don’t know the steps.” His face very slowly fell. “So make sure to find time to live the life you got, Smiles. We’re gonna try to save the world, but there’s never a guarantee it’ll work. Might as well have some fun in the meantime, right?”

He didn’t reply immediately, so I turned back and continued heading to Twilight’s room. After a few steps, he said, “Can I join you two tonight?”

“Smiles, you’re gay.”

“...So?”

I stopped for a second, then shrugged and said. “Good point. Come on. But just this once.” He grinned and fell into step behind me.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty—New Threads

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty—New Threads

The next morning found me in my room with a bag of ice pressed against my backside. Apparently there are some aches magic can’t heal, which made me seriously reconsider some of what I had planned to let Twilight do to me. The door was closed and I could only count the moments until someone decided to just open it without knocking.

It would be better if Flo was currently on speaking terms with me, but apparently she was still a little upset about the whole murder thing, for whatever fucking reason. You’d think an aeons old being would be over temper tantrums, but the fact that she just hit me for that proves otherwise.

Sure enough, the third person that knocked waited about fifteen seconds before trying the door handle. It didn’t work, so it lit up with a telltale aura of magic and clicked open. I wasn’t facing the door, so I had no idea who it was until Watcher cleared his throat and stepped in, then closed the door behind him.

“So I’m sure you’re wondering why I decided to come in,” he said.

“Because you’re my vassal and it’s your job to make sure I’m safe, so you have no compunctions about violating my privacy if you have reason to believe I might be in danger?”

“Yes, actually.” He stepped in closer to get a better look at my… problem area. “Was Twilight a little rough last night?”

“We invited a third party who decided not to be gentle. It wasn’t bad at the time, but…”

“But you’re finding rough anal isn’t always the best the morning after.”

“Bingo. Though it also wasn’t all that great during, no offense to the third party.”

“Not all mares… or females can get into it. It’s much better for stallions.” Despite the pain, I slowly turned my head to look at him. “...From what I’ve been told.”

“That’s a mental image I didn’t need,” I sighed, turning back to face the wall. “Is there something you needed, or did you just want to make sure I was alright?”

“We’re on the way to mainland Equestria now. Gourd and Silver Quill planned a trade route that should net a profit. It’ll take a little while longer to get to Canterlot, but Flo said we have time to spare. Spike got a letter from the princess about an hour ago and knocked on your door, but didn’t get a response.”

“Yeah, walking hurts and I didn’t feel like waking Doppel up, so I just ignored him until he stopped knocking.”

“Well, I’m not going to be your maid for the day, but I did happen to bring the letter.” His horn lit up and it appeared next to him. He floated it over.

“Does it count as bringing it with you if you had to use magic to make it appear?” I asked. That made him roll his eyes, so I took the letter and popped it open.

‘My dearest Navarone, today I learned that sometimes, listening to the advice of your friends is the best thing you can do. One person can never have all the answers, so it’s always good to listen to whatever wisdom your friends can provide. You never know what kind of situations you can prevent or improve by learning from others! Love, your student, Celestia.’

“Write a letter telling her to go fuck herself,” I said, tossing the thing aside.

“As much as I’ve always wanted to tell the princess to do something physically impossible to herself, I think I’ll pass,” he replied. Then he used magic to float the letter over to himself and read it. “On second thought, I think I’ll go find Spike.”

“Tch. Tell him to come here and bring paper and something to write with. I’ll just send her an actual response. And include a postscript telling her to go fuck herself.”

“You’re truly an exemplary example for us all, Lady Navarone.”

“Eat a dick.”

“I’m going to choose to take that order figuratively instead of literally.” He quickly left before I could decide whether or not I should specify what I meant. Thankfully, he pulled the door closed so no one could just look in and see me wearing nothing but an ice pack against my ass.

About a minute later, Spike timidly opened the door. His breath caught when he saw me, but that didn’t stop him from coming all the way in and then closing the door behind him. “Watcher said you were… aching,” he said.

“I bet he didn’t specify where,” I sarcastically replied.

“He didn’t.” He moved closer and poked one of my cheeks, making me hiss. “Wow. Was Twilight a little rough last night?”

“Dude, she’s like your m… sister, apparently.”

“Like my sister. Not actually my sister. I don’t get weirded out by the thought of you two doing things.”

“Well, whatever. It wasn’t Twilight, not that it matters.”

“Oh.” He poked me again. “Was it Watcher?”

“I’m not into old people, Spike.”

Another poke. “Gourd?”

“No, but he’s my vassal now and I have considered it…”

One more poke, this one closer to the problem area. “Doppel?”

“Spike, I swear to god, if you keep fucking poking me, I’m going to go get a strap-on from Pinkie and show you what it’s like!”

He fell silent. After a few seconds, I looked back and saw that his ear things were twitching like crazy. His talon had been inching toward me again, but it froze in place when I said that. My eyes met his and I lifted an eyebrow. He slowly pulled his claws back.

“Uh huh.”

That made his ear spines fall. “Watcher said you uh… needed my help.”

“I need you to write and send a letter to a fat-bottomed mare for me.”

“What should I say to Mrs. Cup Cake?” he asked, holding up some parchment.

“Spike, don’t be a piece of shit. I’m too butthurt for that today.”

“Hah, I get it.” My gaze beat into him. “B-because… butthurt? And… piece of…” He cleared his throat and readied the pen and parchment. “What should I tell the princess?”

“You better use my exact words for this, Spike.”

“Of course!”

“Dear Sunass, first of all, go fuck yourself.” I paused to let him get all that down. “Second, we accomplished our task of freeing the first fire. In doing so, we met yet another previously unknown native race. This time, it was a lizard-like carnivorous race that call themselves kobolds. Since you’re super racist, I didn’t figure you would be interested in uplifting a race of carnivores, so we’re already on the way home.”

Once Spike got to that point, he looked up, a somewhat concerned expression on his face. “Are you sure you should be sending this to Princess Celestia?”

“Tch, no. She’s gonna be pissed. But that’s all part of the fun.”

“She… she knows my claw-writing, Nav.”

“Yeah, and she also knows you wouldn’t say any of this to her yourself, so don’t worry about it. Now, let’s continue.” He sighed and lowered his pen back to the parchment. “As it turns out, one of the water elementals happened to know the fire elemental, and is apparently insanely in love with him. Because she’s a completely normal woman, she decided the best way to show this love was to kidnap him and hope Stockholm Syndrome kicked in. It didn’t, so now we can’t really leave them together. The fire elemental and the air elemental need a place to stay for a little while, away from the insane water. You mind if they spend some time in Canterlot? I promise to tickle your ears just right if you let them.”

Spike cleared his throat at that part and looked up again. “Twilight is like my sister, Nav. Celestia is like my mom.”

“Well, you’re okay with me fucking someone that’s like your sister. I didn’t figure you’d much mind me fucking someone like your mom.” He snorted out some steam. “Ugh, fine. Take out the part about me tickling her ears.” His eyes stared me down for another few seconds before he bent back down to write. “We should be back in a few weeks, so you’ll have time to decide and fireproof a part of the palace. He’s promised to behave, if it’s worth anything.”

“I’m not sure if that’s worth anything at all,” Spike muttered.

“If you want, you can teleport in and talk to them personally. Just let me know beforehand so I can make sure to be in as compromising a position as possible.” Spike sighed again. “Lustfully yours, Nav.” He face-clawed. “PS: Seriously though, go fuck yourself.”

He finished with a flourish and thrust the letter at me. I took a second to read it over before passing it back. It went on its way with a flash. “You have problems, Nav.”

“That was just punishment for poking my ass.” He crossed his arms. “Mostly.” That made him roll his eyes. “I don’t need your judgment.”

“Fine. Whatever. So why are you in here with an ice pack? Can’t Twilight just heal you?”

“Apparently there are some things magic can’t heal. And Flo is upset because she likes being difficult and using immature methods of punishment instead of airing her differences in a way that’s actually productive.”

“...Silent treatment?”

“Silent treatment.”

He sighed and shook his head, then took a step closer and very gently put a claw on my back. “Ease down, Nav.” I did so, letting him carefully press me fully against the bed. Once I was all the way down, he pulled his claws away and breathed fire onto them to heat them up. “I’ll try to be as gentle as I can.”

“Thank you, Spike,” I sighed as he began kneading my back with his warm claws.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I actually really like massaging you,” he said. It felt too good to talk, so I let him try to explain how there was a right way to take that. “I tried it with Doppel once and her body was too hard and unpliable. Gilda won’t even let me try. Pinkie was too giggly and I couldn’t be gentle enough for Fluttershy. I refused to try it on Rarity and none of the others were interested. You’re tough enough that I can’t accidentally hurt you, but your body is soft enough that I can actually do some good.”

Which he was most certainly doing. Stress has interesting ways of destroying the human body and there’s only so much you can do to unfuck it once it’s been ravaged. His claws were doing a pretty good job of it, though.

“You should make another bet with Gilda,” I quietly said.

He didn’t reply at first. It seemed he had to fully concentrate on a knot in one of my shoulders. After he smoothed it out, he said, “Maybe I will. After what… what happened to her, I bet she needs it.”

“Just be wary, now. She has a fire elemental in her. There’s no telling what that might do to her mentality. If she starts acting strange, let me know.”

“You don’t think he’d hurt her, do you?”

“I doubt it. Just… watch her.”

He fell silent until he got to my wings. One of his talons traced up the demon wing and he asked, “How does this one feel?”

“It doesn’t have the same nerve clusters as the feathery one, so it doesn’t feel nearly as good.”

“Huh. I wonder why. Do you want me to…?”

“Not this time. I’m not in the mood.”

“You got it.” He bypassed the wings and moved to my lower back.

As he worked, my mind wandered. And as it wandered, it kept going back to him. Spike was… is my friend. There were times it felt like I… took that for granted, so to say. And worse, times when I didn’t really consider what he wanted or thought.

“Are you happy, Spike?” I asked.

“Yeah. Like I said, I enjoy massaging you.”

“In general. Are you happy here on this ship? It’s very different from your old life.”

“It’s not always different. I mean, Twilight’s still here. And the princess still writes. I feel like I’m doing good here, too. Like I’m really helping you. Everything Twilight had me do was something she could have just done with magic. But you actually need me, not just anyone.”

“Not everything I’ve done was good, Spike.” His claws paused for a moment. “Not everything I’ve done was right.” He continued, slower. “What I did yesterday was wrong, Spike. It was murder. Did you realize that?”

“I did,” he quietly replied.

“I should not have killed that mage. I should not have killed that person.”

His talons slowly pulled away from my back. “Do you regret it?”

“I am not a good person, Spike. I’m not a saint, I’m not always right. I am human. Killing that man was wrong.” One of his claws pressed against my thigh. “But I would kill him again in a heartbeat.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because everyone has choices to make in life, Spike. That man hurt someone loyal to me, so I killed him. I would have done it for any person on this crew. But that doesn’t change what it was, and it was murder. He was defenseless. He was begging for his life. And I killed him anyway. And I don’t regret it one little bit. You have every right to make a choice because of what I did. Law, or righteousness. Revenge, or forgiveness. The pony code, or the dragon code.”

The talons on my thigh moved lower, to one of my feet, and he started rubbing that. “You told me back in Africa that I should… balance the pony lifestyle with my inner dragon nature. That there were bonuses to both.”

“I did. If you want to go back to serving Twilight instead of me—”

“There aren’t.”

I did not have a reply to that. He breathed flame onto his claws again before continuing with my other foot. Once it was finished, he set it down and knelt down next to the bed. One claw went to my back again, though not to massage it. It was the first time his warm, dry touch ever brought menace instead of comfort. Even his reptilian eyes seemed to take on a darker hue as they gazed down at me.

“Ponies aren’t like us, Nav. Watcher and his soldiers are close, but even they’re different. You and I… understand the world differently. I see that now. We are right. And so are they. I can’t force myself to look at things their way any more than I could force them to look at them our way. I’ve been fighting with that in my mind ever since… Egypt, at least. Maybe longer. But yesterday finally gave me the words to use to explain it, if that makes sense. Predators and prey are different. What you did was not wrong to us. Kat would agree. So would the naga. I know Gilda would. What you did was wrong to the ponies. Zecora disagreed. All the girls would call it wrong. Watcher looked concerned. I think the water elementals are also upset. We’re different, and that’s not bad.”

I do not like where this is going, not one bit. “It may be true that things are split along a racial line, so to say, but there’s one thing wrong with what you said, Spike. I think what I did was wrong. I don’t regret it, but it was still wrong.”

Because apparently being weird and invasive was the today’s thing, he moved his other claw to my face and stuck a talon in my mouth to pull my lips back. “One, two, three, four sharp teeth. Looks like eight tearing teeth. The rest are grinders.” He let my mouth go and shrugged. “I suppose there’s always middle ground, a place for the… meat and plant eaters. Is there a word for that?”

“Omnivore.”

“Oh. Well, that’s one of the reasons I’m happy to follow you, Nav. You have the instincts of a predator but you can see things from the perspective of prey. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re fast, you’re strong, you have your own code, you’re kind when you need to be and merciless when you don’t, you’re charming, you’re… It feels like there’s so much more I could say. But I don’t need to.” He stood again and took his claw off my back. “You said I had a choice to make about what you did. Well, I made my choice a long time ago and I’m sticking to it. If there’s anything you need, just let me know.”

With that, he finally let himself out, closing the door behind him.

I lost track of the amount of time I spent, just thinking and wondering how big of a mistake I made. Or if what happened was the result of one long line of mistakes after another.

Finally, I rolled over onto my side and saw my water elemental next to my bed.

“Flo, what have I done?”

“You have shown Spike the path his nature always yearned. You pulled him away from the path of peace and guided him down the first few steps of the path of the sword.” She placed a hand on my arm that quickly absorbed into my skin. I felt her cool water flow through my body until it got to the place that was aching. She soothed the burn and then pulled herself out, though left the hand there. “Your irresponsibility, your dark choices, have driven Spike to lose what he was. To become another soldier. That is one of the consequences for your actions.”

“...Can it be undone?”

She pulled the hand away and turned to the side. Her color went a few shades bluer before she said, “The world turns, Navarone. I can no more change who Spike is than stop the world in its tracks. You are the one who changes others, Nav. That is not the place of a water elemental. We try to guide, but we so very often fail.” She turned back to me. “We cannot change those who do not want to change. You said you wanted to change. You said you were trying to change. You acted like you were changing. And yet you murdered that kobold. You murdered him and even now do not regret it.”

I sighed and readjusted my wings so I could lay on my back. “That kobold was evil, Flo. If changing means I can’t make people like him pay for his crimes, why would I want to change? And don’t tell me prison is better, because I think we both know that’s a lie.”

“Did he really pay for his crimes, Nav? Or did he pay for the crimes of Blaze? How sure are you that he wasn’t a host? You didn’t give him a chance to speak or to explain himself, so you don’t know. You may have consigned an innocent to the flames.”

“...Was he a host?”

“I don’t know. He is dead, so I cannot ask him. You didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself, Nav. If you had done so, by the time he was finished, Gilda would have climbed out. Celestia could have uplifted their tribe and let them rejoin the world. Now, they hate and fear outsiders and will likely only close themselves off even more.”

“Isn’t that better for you guys?” I asked. “They can return back to your service instead of getting swallowed up in the world.”

She quickly went several shades of red. “We want what is best for them, Navarone. Being locked away alone on an island will only drive them slowly to extinction. Being connected to the world is important. And our time as figures of leadership are over. We have decided that it is our job now to guide, not to lead. We understand now that we were never meant to last this long, and that the world has turned so far beyond us that guiding is all we can do. And it is my goal to guide you to goodness. You are not making it easy.”

“Hey, I already admitted that I shouldn’t have killed that kobold.”

“And yet you did it anyway. And you would do it again. You feel absolutely no regret.”

“Would it matter if I did?”

“It makes all the difference. Regret teaches a lesson. Regret changes the way we behave in the future. What Zecora said yesterday was true, Navarone. Violence begets violence. Your actions have shown Spike what it means to act as a predator. Because of your violent deeds, he will go and commit more. Spike’s violence will, in turn, make Discord stronger, as all violence does. Your role as the leader of this ship should be to inspire peace and unity in the world, not fill it with strife and violence. Law, not righteousness. Forgiveness, not revenge. Pony ways, not draconian ways. There is, perhaps, a time and a place for violence, but only after all peaceful means have been exhausted.”

I finally sat up and held out a hand. She grasped it with one of her own. “Stop me next time, Flo. I am giving you permission to physically stop me the next time I’m about to do something like that. Assuming, of course, you honestly think nonviolence would be the better path and it wouldn’t put me or my crew at risk. Show me the better way.”

“So be it.” Her hand engulfed mine and her body moved down it and then down my arm to encase all of me except for my head.

“...Are you gonna be my clothes today, Flo?”

“That was not my plan, but it will be an interesting change of pace. I had nothing important planned anyway.”

“Cool. Do you promise to keep me decent?”

“Of course. But tantalizingly so.”

“Even better. When someone’s actually looking, make it even more tantalizing. If they watch for longer than a few seconds, you should make it noticeable that you’re watching back.”

“...I love that idea. Why haven’t we done this before?”

“Because until just recently, I hated the idea of having a female body, I guess.”

“Oh yeah. So what’s on the agenda for today?”

We sat there in silence for a few seconds while I thought of anything that needed to be done. There really wasn’t that much, all things told. “I need to talk to Twilight about Kat and I should probably talk to Blaze to make sure he’s doing alright. And checking in on Gilda would be nice.”

“We should start with her.”

“That works for me.” I slowly stood, letting my body get a feeling for how Flo molded around it. She followed me perfectly, so I grabbed the ice pack that was melting into my bed and walked out.

I was not expecting to immediately run into Pinkie and Rarity in the halls, but I’m never allowed to have nice things, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Pinkie immediately hugged me because that’s just what she does and Rarity looked me up and down. “That’s a very interesting outfit,” Rarity said.

Because I’m nice, I hugged Pinkie back. “And it’s very comfortable,” I replied. “Form-fitting but not tight, it emphasizes my lovely lady lumps, and it can stare at you while you stare at it.”

“And it’s tickly!” Pinkie said. She tried to pull away, but Flo grabbed her and began actually tickling her.

“It seems that elementals have a few upsides after all,” Rarity said with a hint of a grin. “Twilight’s description of having one inside of her was not overly appealing to me, personally.”

“Trust me, they’re extremely appealing when they’re all up inside of you,” I said, grinning. “Just ask Rainbow Dash.”

“I should have known that’s exactly where your filthy mind would go,” she sighed while shaking her head. “Once again, I am not particularly interested in having… relations with a female, elemental or not. And truth be told, I don’t even like the thought of having another female living in my mind. There’s barely enough room in here for all my genius and sensibility, let alone that of another perfectly reasonable mare. I understand how you are comfortable with it, but I struggle to see how Twilight survives.”

“Rarity, you’re getting awfully close to belly rub territory.” Flo finally stopped tickling Pinkie and seemed poised to grab her next victim.

She ‘hmphed’ at me. “The day I call you Lady Navarone is the day decorum dies. I weep for the world, when those with manners as appalling as yours are elevated to the highest rungs of society.”

“You’re just jealous,” I said, reaching over to tousle her hair. She slapped my hand away with a hoof before I could get near her and I sighed. “It’s your own fault, really. I did ask you to marry me once, you know.”

She blushed bright red and Pinkie gasped. “You two were gonna get married?!”

“She was joking!” Rarity hissed, glaring at me.

“I thought I sounded very serious, actually,” I said with a smirk. “You just never loved me like Pinkie does, so you couldn’t see the offer for what it was.”

“Well you’re not gonna marry Pinkie now,” Rarity said while slamming a hoof on the floor. “Canterlot can find a way to survive you as a noble, but you and Pinkie both would tear it apart.”

I sighed, placed the ice bag inside a pocket that Flo made for me, and took one of Pinkie’s hooves in my hands. “I’m afraid our love is forbidden!”

She sighed dramatically and lifted her other front hoof up to her forehead. “Rarity just doesn’t understand!”

My clothes giggled and said, “I think she’s jealous. She lost her chance with Nav, so now she doesn’t want Pinkie to be happy.”

A sly smile came to Pinkie’s face and she used her spare hoof to drag Rarity slightly closer. “I know how to share, silly! That way, we can all be happy!”

Rarity cleared her throat and jerked her hoof away from Pinkie’s grasp. “Equestria banned polygamous marriages a few hundred years ago, and I’m afraid I am not interested in being a mistress or letting my... wife have a mistress. So I’m afraid I must learn to be content in my loveless life.”

“Or we could set you up with a stallion,” my clothes said.

Rarity’s ears twitched and a small blush reappeared on her face. “I admit that it has been some time since I last dated. In fact, I believe you remember it, Nav.”

Pinkie gasped again, pulling the hoof away from my hand to lift it to her mouth. “You two went on a date?!”

“Sorta, but not really,” I said with a shrug. “It was an accidental double date back when I still had a penis, except she was dating some clingy and immature guy and I was pretending to date Dash.”

“...You made Dashie pretend to be straight?” Pinkie asked, eyes aglow with wonder.

“It was her idea, actually.”

“And they made an adorable couple,” Rarity said. “To the point where I’ve actually considered trying to set you two up now that you’re both female. I think it would be a wonderful mix!”

“I don’t think Dash is looking for romance,” I said. “And I know I’m not, at the moment.”

“Your hand is already taken, from what I’ve heard,” Rarity said. “Which is the main reason I have not made the attempt. One does not need to look for romance to find it, after all.”

My clothes giggled and asked, “And how’s that working out for you?”

That made Rarity’s blush much more noticeable and probably also changed it from embarrassment to anger. “I fail to see how that’s any business of yours, missy. I could find a date whenever I want!”

The look that came over Pinkie’s face made me think everyone was about to regret what Rarity just said. “Can we do a bet?!” she squeaked, her voice going so high-pitched from excitement that she was barely intelligible.

“I’m not interested,” I immediately replied.

That made her mane partially deflate, so Rarity sighed and asked, “What’s the bet, Pinkie?”

“It’s less fun without Nav… But it’s a bet to see who can get a date with a stallion the fastest!”

“Doesn’t that take the honesty and earnesty out of it?” Rarity asked.

“Nope!”

She rolled her eyes. “What do I get if I win, then?”

“I dunno,” Pinkie said with a shrug.

“And what do you get if you win?” Rarity asked.

“A date with a stallion!”

“...You’re bad at bets,” Rarity slowly said.

“So are we on or what?” Pinkie asked, completely disregarding Rarity’s clear lack of interest.

“Well, I suppose it would be an interesting diversion from an otherwise relatively boring time on the ship. Perhaps toying with stallions will be fun. Very well then, Pinkie.”

Pinkie’s eyes turned predatory and she quickly looked both ways down the hall. A crew mare was mopping down one side, but the other side was clear. She immediately shot down the empty side, toward the staircase leading up.

“You get back here!” Rarity shouted, then jumped to follow her. There’s no part of that I wanted to be involved in, so I continued deeper into the ship. The mare doing her chores stepped out of the way as I passed and I went right to the kitchen. The breakfast rush was over and the place was empty, so I tossed the ice pack into the sink and then went to find my griffin.

She was actually in her room, probably the first time I had ever seen her in there. It was decorated with things from a few of her kills while on the ship and a few baubles she picked up here and there in our travels. Gilda was lying on her bed, staring at the new talon that had grown after she cut off the old one, slowly opening and closing it.

“How you feeling?” I asked. As soon as I spoke, she flinched and her head jerked my way.

“I’m fine. You need something?”

I eased in and closed the door behind me. “You can drop the tough girl act if you want. You just went through some really traumatizing stuff, if you remember much of it. If you’re actually fine or just want to pretend that you are, that’s alright, but I am absolutely okay with never talking about anything you tell me.”

“...I still don’t remember how they got me. But I remember hanging above the heat. And then I remember falling. And then it’s just pain. I woke up back on the ship.”

“And Blaze?”

She lifted the talon that was cut off and it burst into flames. “I think I’ll keep him.” The flame doused and she grinned. “For now. He likes Pinkie way too much, but she can be fun sometimes. I don’t think he likes you.”

“He’ll learn to live with that. Maybe if you ask real nice, I’ll let you punish me in all kinds of fun ways.”

“Nah. You don’t fight back and that takes most of the fun out of it. Once Pinkie realized that’s what she was supposed to do, she became much more fun. Spike’s much better, though.”

Shit, I keep losing fuck buddies. “Alright, whatevs. We probably got a few weeks of light duty, so try to take it easy. Elementals are good, but your anatomy was new to him and there’s no guarantee Blaze got all the bits and pieces in the right area, so to say.”

“Tch. If I take it easy, I’ll never know if everything’s working right. If I don’t push my body as hard as I can, I’ll never know if it’s as good as it’s supposed to be.”

“...That’s a very good point. Just don’t do anything like that when you’re alone, at least not until you know you’re absolutely fine.”

“Sure, I guess. Are you using Rainbow Dash for anything today?”

“Nah. Not using Spike, either.”

“Cool.” She finally hopped off the bed. “You wanna join me and Dashie in the air?”

I spread my wings. “I’m slower now than I was before. This demon wing fucked up my wind resistances.”

“Sucks to be you.” I shook my head and we both left her room. She went looking for the prismatic lesbian while I went to seek the most purple member of my crew. Thankfully, the first place I looked was her room, which is also where I happened to find her.

Her door was closed, but it lit up with a purple aura and opened a few seconds after I knocked. As soon as it opened, she grabbed one of my hands with magic and gently tugged on it, so I entered and beheld her on the bed, an ice pack between her back legs. She was writing more notes about what happened last night, from the look of it.

“I don’t know how you’re walking,” she said as the door closed behind me. “Although I also don’t know why you invited a gay stallion to bed with two mares.”

“I didn’t, actually. He asked if he could join us and I figured you wouldn’t mind another subject.”

She softly snorted and moved the notes to her dresser. “So what did you need?”

“I spoke with Kat last night. Apparently she really wants to make me hers.” Twilight’s ears dropped. “I was wondering if you’d like to train her.”

And her ears went right back up. “Absolutely not!”

“Oh. Are you being racist again?”

“Nav, this is the same person that raped you. A lot, apparently. And she wants to make you hers. Let’s skip the whole thing about how your vassal apparently wants to own you and go into what exactly she means by ‘make you hers’. Does she want to marry you? Does she want to make you a sex slave? Does she want to just dominate you wholly? Did you even ask?”

“...I did not.”

Twilight sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “Nav, you need to start thinking about the relationships you have. Like it or not, you can’t be everything everyone wants from you. Someone will always be disappointed. That’s just how life is. And I hate to say it, but your vassal’s desire to own you is fairly far down the list of opportunities you should explore. I believe there are far more appealing options available to you, especially given your history with Kat.”

“Well I mean, what am I supposed to tell her? You can’t just turn your desires off.”

“Every single one of us has desires, Nav. Most of us don’t choose to tell others our deepest, darkest ones. What Kat told you is something that she should have kept to herself until she knew whether or not that is a feeling you reciprocated. It is one thing to have feelings for another. It’s a very different thing to want to make them yours, whatever that even means. She scares me, Nav, and I hope she at least makes you wary. I know you trust her enough to make her a vassal, but after the things she has done, there are many of us that think you made a mistake.”

“What about that time you tricked me into your BDSM dungeon and then pretended to lock me in?”

“I was almost positive you would either be interested or open to the idea. After your history with Kat, she should have known full well how interested you would be in her owning you. As a matter of fact, we skipped this earlier, but let’s go back to it. How does she, as your vassal, really think it would even be appropriate to ask you that? Legally speaking, she’s as close to a slave as it’s possible to be in Equestria. You don’t have to pay her, but you can give her whatever order you want and she’s obligated to follow them. She’s magically connected to you in a few ways. You essentially own her, in fact.”

“...Are you saying I should dominate her instead, then?”

“No! I’m saying you should have nothing to do with her sexually at all! Any relationship that might form would be incredibly unhealthy. It would be like you as a knight with magical oaths trying to have a relationship to Celestia or Luna. They could force you to do whatever they want and you would have no choice but to obey. In comparison, what the two of us have can be stopped at any moment, should either partner want it. Her desires are unhealthy and unsafe. What she wants to do to you is not good for either of you. My advice is to tell her to stop thinking about it and to never ask you that again.”

I sighed and looked around the room for a moment. She hadn’t really cleaned up and the door had been closed for most of the time, so the sex funk was still in the room. One or two toys dotted the floor here and there and it was pretty obvious that something sordid had happened recently. Finally, my eyes found hers again. “Hiding your desires can make you act in weird and unhealthy ways, Twilight. You should know that firsthand.”

“And indulging in weird and unhealthy desires is no better. We are two perfectly consenting adults who do things safely and carefully. Whatever limitation you give, I follow. Tell me honestly, do you think Kat would be safe or careful? Do you think she would follow limitations or restrictions? Or do you think she would want you to do whatever she wanted, regardless of how you felt? Because remember, she wants to own you. That means you follow her commands, regardless of what they are. You are a person, Nav. You have feelings and those feelings matter. You can’t only think of what others want. You always have to consider what you want and how you feel. Kat wants to own you. Do you want her to own you?”

“...Not particularly, no. And I don’t honestly think she’d be all that careful when we’d be in bed. She likes sharing her claws.”

“Somehow, I’m not surprised. Our time together has taught me a lot about sexuality and the differences between true abuse and carefully planned pain. From what little I’ve gleaned, she doesn’t particularly care about the differences. That might have changed, but I’ve found that reverting back to old habits is very easy when no one is helping you avoid it. Letting her ‘own’ you or even dominate you would be giving her the chance to fall back to her old ways. And worse, make you regress or have a traumatic flashback to when she was originally torturing you. You’ve come a long way, Nav. You shouldn’t risk letting anything make you go back.”

“I’ve changed so much that I don’t even recognize myself anymore, Twilight. I don’t know what to think about what I’ve become.”

“It’s been for the better, mostly. You’re usually nicer, you’re more social, you’ve become a leader. You’ve definitely taken a few knocks, but you’re adjusting and I can honestly say I’m happy to see that you’ve come so far. I hope I get to see you continue improving for a long time.”

“Twilight, I’m gonna boop you on the nose.” She grinned widely as I reached over and booped her. After I pulled my finger back, she used magic to float me over and used a hoof to boop me back. “Do you want Flo to unfuck your ass?”

Her eyes went blank for a moment before she blinked. “Wait, what? How can you… huh?”

“Unfuck as in make it stop aching, not unfuck as in… I dunno, actually. Flo, do you mind…?”

“With my sister’s permission,” my clothes said.

Twilight’s eyes went blue and I fell onto the floor, since Twilight had still been holding me with magic. As I stood back up, Aqua said, “Pain is a reminder that choices have consequences. Twilight chose to let that stallion wear you both out. It is only fair that she ride out the ache that comes from his admittedly impressive stamina.”

“Aqua, remember when I told you to stop being a bitch?” I asked. Twilight’s eyes rolled. “This is one of those times where you could not be one. You’re incapable of feeling pain so you can’t really sympathize. All this is doing is making Twilight unnecessarily suffer.”

She sighed and said, “Very well then. Sister, if you support your host’s anti-consequence views, feel free to heal Twilight. But if you believe that actions should have reactions, let her keep her ache as a reminder that not all carnal relations are wise.”

With that, Twilight’s eyes went back to their normal shade and Flo immediately shot a few watery tentacles down to molest her (or heal her, whichever). The poor mare sighed in relief as the ache subsided, then shivered as her horn lit up and pulled the ice pack off. “Thank you, Flo. I don’t know why Aqua couldn’t just do that. I guess it just requires a full elemental.”

Or your elemental just happens to be a bitch. “I am pleased to assist, Twilight,” my clothes replied. “It should be the goal of all water elementals to reduce the amount of suffering in the world.” Oh, burn!

“Aqua also never acted like clothes for me,” Twilight said, hopping off the bed and poking me in the belly. “Is that comfortable?”

“Yes, actually,” I said. “It’s like a cool hug that you feel across your entire body all the time. I bet it would be great in the heat.”

She shivered in delight. “Ooh, I bet it would be amazing when I’m in heat…”

“That’s not what I meant, but I’m not surprised that your slutty pony mind went straight there. I doubt Aqua loves you enough to help sate your urges, but water elementals can do some very interesting things with their bodies to make you feel very good.”

“She said she doesn’t sate them because she loves me.”

“Then your elemental is sadistic and defective. I think we should make her wear lingerie until she learns her lesson.”

“She disagrees. She also implied that the only reason you’re wearing Flo like that is so you can tease stallions by having her show off as much of your body as possible without letting them see too much.”

“She’s welcome to her own opinions, even if they’re wrong.”

Her head tilted for a moment and then she grinned. “She wants me to turn you into a pony and make Spike rub your belly.”

“I’m glad we already decided not to listen to her, then. That sounds like a terrible and unfun idea.” Twilight’s horn lit up and I found myself ponified. Flo decided she had somewhere else to be and slid out the door.

“Let’s go find our favorite dragon,” Twilight said with a creepy grin.

“Can we not and say we didn’t?” I asked. Her horn lit up again and I got picked up by magic. “What if I promise to rub your belly extra soft?”

“I think it’s only fair to return the favor, silly. You’ve given me so many so selflessly and yet you don’t even know how nice they are!”

“I do, actually. Celestia did it to me once.”

“Oh. Well that changes everything!”

“Really?”

“Psh, no.” She opened the door and started trotting out, dragging me along behind her.

“Does it have to be Spike, at least?”

“Yes. He mentioned once how much you like his massages, so I think he’s perfect for the job!” She carried me down to Spike’s room. His door was open and he was speaking to two of the soldiers. “Spike, I need your help with something,” she said, stopping in the doorway and leaving me where I wouldn’t be visible.

“What do you need?” he asked.

“I need you to rub a belly for me.”

That caused a short pause. He eventually replied, “Okay, I guess.”

Twilight smiled and nodded once, then stepped the rest of the way in and floated me to the bed, so I was lying on my back. “There we are. Rub her belly, please.”

“Should we go?” one of the soldiers asked.

“I think we should go,” the other guy said. Twilight’s horn lit up brighter and the door closed, trapping us all in. “On second thought, maybe we should stay and watch.”

“So who is this mare?” Spike asked. “And why am I rubbing her belly?”

“That’s Nav. Aqua thinks she should be rewarded for all the nice tummy rubs she gives me.”

“And I told her that Aqua is crazy,” I replied. One of Spike’s claws slowly started moving toward my belly. “...What are you doing, Spike?” It stopped right on top of my warm, fuzzy stomach. His eyes met mine. “Who are you going to trust? Me, or a crazy elemental? Come on, Spike.”

A feral grin split his face and his claw connected. I sighed in disgust before the feelings of pleasure overtook me. After all my time as a female, I learned how to just lie back and let pleasure overwhelm me with little to no resistance, so I didn’t bother fighting back against Twilight’s magic or Spike’s warm claw. I let him ravage my poor belly in front of all of them, whimpering in delight and moaning like the little slut I am.

It felt dirty and humiliating, yet oh-so good. I had a feeling that it gave Twilight all kinds of naughty ideas and as I thought about what she might do in the future, I felt myself becoming very unfortunately aroused.

Once Spike realized that, he stopped. “Um. I haven’t given that many belly rubs, but… Uh, is that supposed to happen?” The way I had been placed on the bed, it was pretty obvious that I was most definitely enjoying my treatment.

“...I got next go,” one of the guards said.

“Buck that. He has two claws; he can rub both our bellies!” the other one said.

“B-but you’re stallions!” Spike hastily replied.

“So? Don’t be sexist. You didn’t seem to mind cuddling back in Antarctica!”

Twilight lifted me off the bed and floated me closer to the door. Both guards immediately hopped up onto the bed and presented their tummies.

“Just close your eyes and pretend,” the other guard said.

“But—”

“Don’t be discriminatory, Spike,” Twilight said.

“We don’t have all day!” one of the stallions on the bed said.

“Wouldn’t you do anything for your brothers in hooves?” the other asked.

“We aren’t asking for much.”

“We just want to relax. Looks like it did wonders for our lady.”

“Stop fighting it, silly.”

“Just rub our tummies! We won’t make it weird, promise.”

Spike bit his lower lip for a moment before sighing and hanging his head. “Ugh, fine.” The guards grinned and hoof-bumped each other. Twilight nodded and finally opened the door so she could drag me back to her room.

Her room isn’t too far from Spike’s, so she quickly had me on her bed. “You enjoyed that a lot more than I thought you would,” she casually said, looking me over. “In fact, I’d say you enjoyed it more than you should have.”

“You have only yourself to blame,” I replied, making no attempt to cover myself.

“True. Do you know if we’re going to be near a stallion-majority city on the way back to Canterlot?”

“I have no clue.”

She rubbed her chin with a hoof for a moment before shrugging and turning me back. “I’ll ask Gourd. I believe it might be time for some field experience for our books. That is, if you’re still willing.”

“I am, as long as we’re very clear beforehand about what my limits are. Now, I don’t suppose you’d be willing to finish what you started?”

“Nope.” Her horn lit up brighter and I suddenly found myself on my own bed. Flo immediately slid in through the window and enveloped my body once again.

“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to finish what Twilight started?” I hopefully asked.

“Nope.” I sighed. “I prefer leaving you as a desperate, sopping wet mess. I think it’s funny and cute.”

“Then it’s a good thing I have toys that don’t hate me as much as you do.” I hopped off the bed and grabbed one from its hiding spot. As soon as I tried applying it, I realized Flo was still covering me. Just as I had that thought, I realized the toy wasn’t doing its job. I looked down and found water covering me and refusing to budge. “Why.”

“Because Twilight’s your dom, silly. If she gives you permission to have release, you may. Otherwise, I think you can manage without.”

“You monster!”

“Just think of it as facilitating the relationship you’ve chosen with Twiley. Maybe I should speak to her about orgasm denial. I know that Moonbeam seems to love it.”

“Don’t you dare.” She giggled darkly and I had a feeling that the next time I did something to upset her, I would very dearly regret it. “Besides, I haven’t chosen any kind of relationship with Twilight. What we have happens solely in the bedroom. We have relations. We do not have a relationship.”

“Call it what you like. I think it’s amusing. Not quite as amusing as accidentally dating the same stallion twice, but still very amusing.”

I sighed dramatically and hid the toy again. “Of all the things you choose to protect me from, why a sex toy? Do you know how many times I’ve been stabbed?”

“Better late than never. Now, shall we continue with your itinerary?”

Being a human in an elemental’s world fucking sucks. That just made her giggle again, of course.

I needed to talk to Kat, but I didn’t really want to anymore. That left talking to Blaze, so I finally left my room again and began walking up to the deck. Since life occasionally decides to be fair, I made it out with no interruptions. My eyes took in the sights fairly quickly. Taya was talking to the female guard unicorn that wasn’t Sentinel, Ames was getting his shit kicked in by Blaze in a practice bout, one of the crew unicorns was using Spider as a mobile thread dispenser to repair some damaged rigging, Pinkie was hugging a very disturbed looking male crew unicorn, Rarity was talking to a very nervous looking male guard, Silver Quill and Fluttershy were playing with a few birds, Zecora was standing at the tip of the ship and just watching the horizon, and a water elemental was talking to no one. After taking a moment to look closer at the water elemental, I realized she was probably actually talking to Aerie.

The fire elemental was currently busy, so I decided to join Zecora at the front. Before I could get there, Taya vanished with a pop and the female unicorn hopped in front of me. “My lady, I have a quick question,” she said.

“You don’t have to call me that. Scoria, right?”

“Yes ma’am. Scoria Pitch. Taya asked me about… sexual magic.”

“And what did you tell her?” I slowly asked.

Her ears began twitching and she rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “I don’t actually know much. And I can’t really teach her most of it without… Well, demonstrating. I was just wondering… Um, how should I approach this? In the future, I mean.”

“My daughter is legal. I won’t tell you that you may not teach her. I won’t tell you that you have to teach her. All I ask is that if you know any way of keeping her safe, please make sure she knows those kinds of spells. Things like avoiding pregnancy or pain or anything like that. She is rebellious and curious, so all I want is for her to be safe if she begins… experimenting.”

“That is… very reasonable of you, ma’am.”

“What Taya wants is an overreaction. It’s in her teen blood. So I’ll be as reasonable as I can about things that I know I can’t prevent. If you find out she’s using whatever you teach her to do stupid things, please let me know. Otherwise, help keep her safe and use your best judgment.”

“Happily, my lady,” she replied with a bow. Before I could remind her not to call me that, she trotted off, heading back to the door leading below. I only watched her butt for a few seconds before continuing to Zecora.

With Flo covering my feet, my movement was completely silent. Zecora didn’t notice me until I was next to her and I placed a hand on her side. “What are your thoughts on Blaze?” I quietly asked.

She did not react to my touch at all. The only indication I had that she even heard me was a small noise in her throat. She didn’t seem to be in any kind of distress, so I stood like that for about a minute before she finally relaxed. “I have been thinking.”

“That’s usually a good thing.”

“I spent a long time hiding and obscuring the truth. That is, in part, how a shaman keeps her power. We use riddles and secrecy to hide our capabilities and we dole out parcels of truth here and there to keep our villagers coming back to us. With your assistance, I realized how and why we do so. And in turn, I realized how I lost my sister and how she fell to darkness. I realized how my clan so easily turned on me. Openness and honesty trump secrecy and obscurity. Direct, clear statements beat tempting scraps of truth. The way of the shaman is a way of deceit and dishonesty.”

“I’m very glad I helped you come to that conclusion, Zecora,” I said, rubbing that spot on her back. “There is absolutely nothing more annoying than someone with a holier than thou tone telling you some cryptic bullshit like they have all the answers when they could just cut the crap and tell you what they actually mean.”

“Indeed.” She slowly took a breath in and loudly released it. “For the first time, the voices of my ancestors are clear.”

“...What?”

Her head finally turned to mine and I realized that her eyes had a sickly green tint to them. “The powers of the shaman come from our ancient dead, Navarone. That is our greatest secret. It is why our most ancient and powerful magics are done with the assistance of substances that enable us to commune through time and across the veil of life and death. But it appears that my ancestors approve of my disgust for the dishonesty of the other shamans.” Her eyes looked over my shoulder. “I have been meditating on what I have learned and for the first time, I can see the other side without assistance.”

“Can you make her fuck off?”

Her eyes met mine again. “No. My powers allow me to see the other side, but they will never allow me to affect the other side. We seek to learn from the wisdom of the ancients, not control them. We borrow their powers, not steal them. Theft and control are the paths of the necromancer and the warlock. In time, I may learn to speak with the spirit haunting you. I was attempting to commune with the spirits of the ship when you found me.”

“Any luck?”

“Not until you arrived.” She turned her head back to the horizon and waved a hoof out in front of her. “Many of them gather for you, Navarone. Those added by your sword, claimed by your hand. On this ship of death and damnation, you are a focal point.”

“I would have been very happy not hearing that.”

“One of the duties a shaman has is to reconcile the dead with the living. When we encounter a spirit, it is the duty of a shaman to assist it in moving on. As my powers grow, I will hopefully be able to put the souls of the lost to rest.”

“I am very happy to hear that.”

“Would you care to join me in meditation, Navarone? Perhaps, with you by my side, I can speak to some of the lost souls surrounding us.”

“I don’t think I would be any good at it. I can stand here quietly, but I have no idea what meditating entails. I was never a spiritual person.”

“I will give instructions when it is time.” She moved over and sat, leaving me room to join her. “Join me.” There were still people I needed to talk to, but I figured exorcising the ship was probably pretty important as well, so I sat next to her. “Clear your mind, Navarone. Tune out the sounds of the ship. Ignore the duel between the naga and the fire. Focus only on the rush of the wind, the heat of the air, the smell of the ocean. Let nature claim her daughter’s mind.”

There was nothing about that wording that I liked, but I did as she said. After I became part tree, clearing my mind became much easier. My mind slowly emptied and I tuned out as much as I could.

After a good chunk of time, Zecora slowly sighed out and whispered, “We must choose one, Navarone.” I made no reply, just calmly sat and waited. “Put yourself in that place. Put yourself in that time. Is the weather cool? Hot? Is it bright or dark? Are you calm or frantic? Think back, Navarone. Remember.”

It was a cool night, in the wastes. They all are. The heat quickly seeped out of the ground and was replaced by the chill of the night. And it was dark, almost impossibly dark. That was before I was knighted, before I could properly see in the dark. It wasn’t a new moon, but the pale light it gave me was barely enough to tell what I was doing. My frantic, panicky movements were tempered by the strange inner calm my mind felt.

As I drew that painful line across his throat, I felt a part of me tear away. As I betrayed one of the principles I was told to hold sacrosanct, I felt something in me turn cold. As I murdered my first victim in cold blood, I felt the light in my eyes dim.

The sounds of nature around me disappeared. My breathing slowed to a crawl as my mind dipped into the past. After a few minutes of complete silence, I felt… something in front of me.

“He is here,” Zecora whispered.

I came to with a flinch, the darkness and silence in my mind instantly replaced by reality. As the meditative spell Zecora wove over me faded, I heard a sorrowful weeping drift away. I tried to follow the sound with my eyes, but that just made it slip further away and I saw nothing but the light of day, the blue sky, and the endless ocean beneath us.

“And he is gone,” she said, standing.

“What was that?” I slowly asked.

“The spirit of one who haunts you,” she replied. “By putting your mind in the state it was when his soul bound to you, it enabled him to more easily come forward. He sensed the familiarity, the last moment he ever truly knew before this cursed half-existence took him.”

“Well, great. Now I feel like even more of an asshole. Thanks.”

She held a hoof out for me. “As I said yesterday, violence begets violence.” I took that hoof and let her help me stand. “Violence brings pain and suffering, even after death. As a shaman, I know that better than most. Would you care to tell me the story behind this particular spirit?”

“It was a pointless murder in a pointless turf battle.”

“If he left enough of an impression upon you that he was the first to appear, there is more to the story.”

“...He was my first. I slit his throat while he slept. It was a barbaric death for a defenseless soldier. He was the first of… thirteen, I believe. And then I burned their camp to the ground. With it went children. Mothers. Fathers. A full migration of naga, killed almost to the last. His blood shattered an oath I made in my old life. His river of blood led into what feels like an ocean of it.”

“The dead hold more power over the living than most realize, Nav.” She released my hand and looked back to the horizon. “I would like to try again later, if you would be willing. You would likely feel more at peace if his soul released its hooks on you.”

“Why can’t we just try again now? I’ve almost been killed by ghosts several times. I’d be very happy to get rid of some of the ones around me.”

“Calling forth a specific one takes energy and time. If you killed him at night, it would be easier to summon him then. He has followed you peacefully until now. Unless he gains a lot of strength, you have nothing in particular to fear from him.”

“Do you mind if I boop you on the nose?”

“I do not.”

I reached over and booped her on the nose. “Let me know when you’re ready to try again. It’ll be interesting to see your powers grow, especially if they help clear some of the darkness in my past.”

“It would be my pleasure. I will seek you out when it is time.” Her eyes slid shut and I guess she went back to meditating or something. She was clearly done with me for the moment, so I wandered off, wondering what actions I’d have to do to be able to explore her next dialogue chain.

It seemed that Blaze was currently done with the naga. Black Fate was poking over the naga’s wounds and making sure he was still alive. Silver Quill was now covered in birds and Fluttershy was trying to coax more in for herself. The male guard Rarity had been talking to was making out with the male crew member Pinkie had been talking to. Rarity was watching, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck and blushing up a storm. Pinkie had moved on to Black Fate and was bugging him while he tried to heal Ames.

I decided to start there, to see what kind of result I could expect from sparring with Blaze. My feet carried me to the naga’s prone form and I stopped on the other side of him from the medic. “It appears the resident naga bit off more than he could chew,” I said.

That made Black finally look up. “That he…” He realized what I was wearing and his eyes went wide and a small blush appeared. “Um.” His eyes found a certain part of my anatomy.

I leaned forward and clasped my hands in front of me, making my chest pop out even more. “Is he gonna be okay, doc?” I sweetly asked, putting on my nicest smile.

His ears shot down and he forced his eyes away from my chest, back down to Ames. “Yes ma’am,” he gruffly replied. “Though I did tell him I wouldn’t heal him up if he decided to fight with that fiery monster.”

“Well that wouldn’t be very nice,” I said, trying my hand at a pout.

“And trying to fight that thing isn’t very smart. I say a few bruises is a pretty fair lesson.”

“Oh come now, doc. Couldn’t you heal him? For me?” I simpered. His ears began twitching, so I reached a hand over to play with them. That made them shoot straight up for a second before they drooped down, giving me better access.

Pinkie slapped my hand away with a hoof and glared at me from across the naga. “He’s gonna heal the naga for me, not you! I got here first!”

“Now now, he would never want to disappoint his lady, would he?” I asked with a smirk. “Now why don’t you be a proper gentleman and heal the naga for me, hm?”

“Well, his lady couldn’t reward him like I can!” Pinkie said, throwing a hoof around his shoulders and cuddling against him. “That would be improper, and everypony knows that you’re a perfectly prim and proper little lady.”

“Oh, but there’s so much fun in being…” I licked my lips for effect and leaned forward to trail a finger under the guy’s chin. “...Improper.” His ears really started going haywire. “Why, I can think of all kinds of improper ways to show my gratitude. Mmm, what fun we could have…”

“P-shaw! I know how to show true earth pony gratitude! You can keep your silly human ways.” She pulled her other hoof in and caressed his cheek. “You’d prefer a real mare, wouldn’t you?”

“Surely a seasoned traveler and soldier has had his fills of simple ponies, earth or not. Something more exotic might suit his tastes better. And my oh my, I’ve heard my taste was quite delicious. Maybe if you heal the naga up, you’ll have time to find out…?”

His horn lit up and magic picked both Pinkie and I up. She floated across the naga, next to me. “I think my patient needs some space!” With that, he pushed us as far away as he could, which equated to the far side of the ship.

As soon as he dropped us, Pinkie stuck her tongue out at me.

“Don’t you tempt me with that tongue, missy,” I said. “Put it away before I put it to use.”

She did so as petulantly as she could and said, “You cheater!”

“How did I cheat?”

“You were a stallion once! You know exactly how to get one!”

“Then I guess you just gotta step up your game, Pinks,” I replied with a boop to her nose. “Here’s some advice: Those two aren’t actually gay. They’re just making out because you two weirded them out so much and they wanted to get away from you.”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yeah huh. That crew member has a dead wife that haunts him and that guard used to hit on Fluttershy all the time before I asked him to stop. I don’t think either of them are even bi.”

“Why’d you ask him to stop?”

“Because she asked me to.”

“Oh… Have any of them told you they had a crush on me but were too shy to tell me? That would make it so much easier!”

“No.”

“Oh… Who should I go after then, Navi?”

“I dunno. But I believe in you.”

“Do you believe in me more than you believe in Rarity?”

I reached out and patted her on the head. “Well, I can currently feel that you exist, so at the moment, yes. But as soon as you aren’t within feeling range, that belief will start to waver.”

“But if you only believe in things you can touch, how do you believe in things like justice or mercy or love or parties or fun?”

“Why do you think I’ve spent the last several years horribly depressed? Duh.”

“But depression means you believe in sadness!”

“Nuh uh. Depression is feeling nothing, not feeling sadness. Imagine you’re walking alone through a desert that has no clear beginning and you have no idea how large it is. Occasionally you’ll get calls from people who talk about how lovely the weather is, how vibrant their surroundings are, how happy they are, and invite you to come by. Then they hang up. You know where they are, but you have no idea how to get there. You’re lost, stuck in a desert. People ask why they never see you or why you never want to do anything. When you tell them that you’re lost in a desert, they tell you getting out is easy. They’ve never seen a desert in their lives, so they think escape is simple and give you directions that get you all turned around. Sitting down and letting the sands overtake you is tempting, but you can still faintly remember what it was like before you got to the desert. You remember the grass and the trees and the shade and smiling and you hope you can find it again, but you have no idea how far you have to go or if you’ll ever even get out.”

“Why don’t you ever make me imagine fun things?”

“...Imagine me rubbing your belly.”

She sighed in delight and her tongue lolled out. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…”

“You have fun with that. I need to go talk to Blaze.” She softly moaned, her eyes closed in concentration. It didn’t seem like she was paying attention anymore, so I finally left her side and walked over to the most fiery elemental on the ship.

He was standing next to the side of the ship, staring at everyone on deck. His eyes lingered on Fluttershy and Silver Quill, both of whom were now covered in birds, before finding me and watching me walk toward him.

When I finally stopped in front of him, his eyes met mine for a few seconds before he eyed up my body. Or more likely, the elemental wrapped around my body. Once he got done with that, he snorted in derision. “What.”

“Have you run into any difficulties yet?” I asked.

“I have not had a chance to stretch. Your snake barely got my fire going. Get your weapon. Perhaps you will be a better warm up.”

“I would not. The naga was my teacher for a while. He’s still slightly better than me, but that gap is rapidly closing.”

“I should feel disappointment that one of my creators is worthless in combat, but I do not. When you meet your better in a fight, I will watch you die and feel nothing.”

“Okay. Have you had any other problems?”

His eyes went back to Fluttershy. “These ponies are disgustingly soft.”

“Then don’t pay attention to them.”

“That is difficult when they seek to pester me. That yellow one thought she had the right to speak to me.”

“How dare she,” I sarcastically replied.

“Indeed. I had a feeling several of the other weaklings on this ship would be upset if I torched her, so I just ignored her until she left me be.”

“Feel free to continue ignoring them, then.”

“I would rather teach them their place. The weak exist to serve the strong.”

“Continue ignoring them.”

He spat flame at me. It dissipated inches from my face. I crossed my arms and lifted an eyebrow. “Coddling your crew will only keep them weak.”

“If I had known you were just gonna be a whiny little bitch, I would’ve gotten your brother first.” He instantly lit up bright red. “Let me know if you have any real problems.”

“I will enjoy hearing your last breath.”

“Only if you live that long.” I was done with him, so I left, heading back below.

Once I got to the stairs, Flo giggled and said, “I have a feeling his dick is bigger than yours, Navi. Maybe you should stop having measuring contests.”

“Yeah, well, he only has two people that want his. Everyone loves playing with my lovely lady boner.”

That made her cackle, unsurprisingly.

“So if you were an adorable female cat assassin, where would you be?” I asked.

“In a litter box.”

“Flo, you’re useless.”

“Don’t make me leave you here, naked. I’ll get to your room before you can and lock it behind me.”

The first place I decided to look was Kat’s room. She was not there, which pretty much stumped me. As far as I knew, the only other person she spoke to was Spider. Occasionally one of the water elementals, which meant she might have been in the cargo hold. That’s where I went next. The only ones there were a female guard and a male crew member having illicit relations, because apparently using their own rooms was too difficult. I left them to it and kept searching.

My final stop was the armory, because that’s where I found her. She was there with Ice, Smiles, and presumably Cascade. As soon as I walked in, Smiles lived up to his name and started to say something, so I preempted it with, “You shut your whore mouth, Smiles.” He shut his whore mouth. “And keep your whore mouth shut.”

“That isn’t very nice,” Ice said.

I cut him off before he could say more. “You shut your whore mouth, Ice.” He shut his whore mouth. “You don’t have to keep it shut, though.”

“What makes a mouth whorish?” Cascade asked.

“I have no clue,” I replied with a shrug. “I just thought it sounded funny, so I said it.”

“Sunshine Smiles wants to know if that means he can open his mouth now,” Ice said.

“If he wants, I guess.”

Smiles sighed in relief and asked, “Why aren’t you walking funny?”

“You shut your whore mouth, Smiles,” I replied. He sighed and shut his whore mouth again. “And because Flo healed me.”

“...I forgot I could do that,” Ice slowly said. Then he surged over to Smiles and covered his lower half. The poor pony sagged in relief as the ache in his crotch from wearing two experienced mares out disappeared.

“One of our many advantages, dear brother,” Cascade said, turning slightly pink. “You should try to keep the best interests of your host in mind at all times. It is wise to encourage them to avoid pain, but when they happen to find it anyway, it should be your goal to ease it.”

“Tell that to Flo,” I said. “She likes hitting me for no reason.”

“Each elemental shows his or her love differently,” my clothing replied. “I choose to teach you a lesson the only way you seem to respond. Perhaps if you try heeding my words, I won’t need to hit you.”

“Use better words, then.” She hit me for that. “There you go again, defaulting straight to violence!”

“You should be thankful that I am taking an active interest in your lifestyle, Nav. I could be like Aqua instead.”

“Let’s see, all the health benefits of having an elemental minus all of the annoying sarcasm, life lessons no one asked for, constant intrusions, and randomly hijacking my body just to make me do embarrassing things. Where do I sign up?” She hit me again. “Stop domestically abusing me!”

“Only after your Stockholm Syndrome is complete, silly. It’s not like I don’t kiss the boo-boos better!”

Cascade looked to Kat and said, “As you can see, each elemental is very different and reacts with his or her host in unique ways.”

“Yeah, Flo isn’t always a butt,” I said. “Just usually.”

“As far as I know, Ice has never been a butt,” Smiles said.

“Then so be it.” Kat turned and walked over to Cascade, then held up her two paws. Cascade took them and turned slightly pink. “I… I want you inside me, Cascade.”

“Then I will fill you and make you mine,” the water elemental happily said, immediately turning completely pink. “Is your body ready?”

“I think so… Just be gentle.”

“Don’t worry, Kat. I’ll make sure it won’t hurt. It’s your first time, after all. I want it to be memorable.”

Flo sighed in disgust as Cascade’s body merged into Kat’s. I guess she just hates happiness and cute things for whatever reason. Or maybe she hates the idea of Kat being happy. Who knows?

Once Cascade was all the way inside, Kat slowly stretched out her arms. Her destroyed claws began regrowing until they were fully outstretched, back to their normal length. “I can… feel you inside of me,” she said, shifting slightly. As Flo said once, there’s only so many places an elemental can go when they’re all the way inside you. So at the moment, Kat looked nice and plump. “Ooh, it’s quite delightful…”

Kat’s eyes turned pink for a second before Cascade oozed back out. “Now a piece of me will always be with you,” she said, placing a hand on Kat’s cheek.

“It’s so warm,” Kat panted, her face blushed. “And I still feel so full…”

“That effect will fade in time, dear,” Cascade warmly said. “Enjoy the afterglow while you can.”

“Yep, it’s all downhill from here,” I said.

“Would you like to do the honors, sister?” Flo asked. Cascade reached over and slapped me. At least she didn’t do it as hard as Flo usually does. “It’s very therapeutic, isn’t it?”

“I think I will stick to warm hugs and gentle rebukes,” Cascade replied. “In my experience, the disappointment of a well-respected figure in your life is enough of a changing force. I have never required pain to get my point across.”

Ice smiled and turned to me. “Perhaps you could learn something from Cascade, dear sister,” he said. “There is no need to abuse your host so. It only drives the mortal races away, in the end.”

Flo extended a tentacle to Ice and placed it against his lips. “Shhh. Listen for just a moment.” The room went quiet. “Do you hear that, Ice?” He shook his head around her tentacle. “That’s the sound of the fucks I give.” He blinked. “Notice how it sounds very silent. That’s because there aren’t any.” She pulled the tentacle back.

“That wasn’t very nice,” I said.

She placed another tentacle on my mouth. “Shhh.” I opened my mouth and sucked on it. “Well, I was going to make another example, but I guess you’re too slutty to hear it out.” I moaned around her tentacle and she sighed in utter disappointment before removing it.

“So anyway, is there something you needed?” Smiles finally asked, looking at me.

“I came in here for a reason, but I honestly can’t remember why anymore,” I said with a shrug. “So I guess not. Things got weird, so I think I’m just gonna go.”

“Well, let me know if you remember,” he said.

“If I feel like it.” I finally left. Kat decided to follow me out, and that’s when I remembered why I was there. “Do you mind joining me for a moment, Kat?”

“I was just about to ask if you had a second.” She followed me down to my room, bereft of her new watery companion. When we got there, she entered behind me, though she left the door open. “So what did you decide?” she asked, moving closer to me with a smile.

Some small part of me didn’t want to have to tell her, but I knew it really was for the best. As Twilight said, I didn’t really want to be owned and going down another path like that with Kat would be scary and might put my mind back in a place it didn’t need to be. Sex might not be completely out of the question, but any kind of dominance shit had to go out the window.

So I sat on the bed and said, “I thought about it and came to the conclusion it would be best if we didn’t have that kind of relationship.”

Her ears fell and she just said, “Oh.”

“I’m willing to try sex after we get some proper tools for it, but it’ll be totally equal with no dominance shit at all, and it won’t be a common occurrence.”

One of her paws clutched at the other arm and she looked away, ears still down. “Forget it. Just forget I even asked.” Before I could say anything else, she hastily left.

When I couldn’t hear her paws anymore, I sighed. “What should I do, Flo?”

“Let her go. This is the grave she dug for herself. Consequences exist even in a world with forgiveness.”

“...That sounds very strange, coming from you,” I slowly said. Her watery goodness tightened against me. “You don’t like Kat.”

“I don’t like anyone that’s hurt you.”

“When you met Kat the first time, you did something to her.”

“I did.”

“What did you do?”

“I read her memories, including her intentions with you. I didn’t like all of what I saw, so I left a few strong suggestions.”

“You changed her mind.”

“In a very basic way of looking at it, yes. She raped you back then because she wanted to and she was considering doing it again. She found your fear and pain delicious and was curious despite herself how tasty betraying you and making you hers would be. I don’t think she would have done it, but I decided to point her toward serving you instead of serving herself. That was also something she was considering, so I decided to make it a more likely possibility.”

“Even Brook said she wouldn’t forcefully change someone’s mind.”

“I am not Brook. And that case would be changing a fundamental and strong aspect of one of her sisters who is infatuated with someone who does not return her feelings. This case is protecting my host against a psychopathic rapist. And I did not technically change it, regardless. I just happened to put more weight on an idea she was already considering.”

“The next time you decide to fuck with someone’s brain on my behalf, make sure you’re actually doing it on my behalf. That shit’s fucked. The road of fixing undesirable traits is rarely a good one.”

She did not reply.

Before I could spend too much time in silence, a yellow water elemental joined us. This one didn’t start by yelling at me or hitting on me, so I figured it was probably Cascade instead of Naiad or Ice.

“I have finished sorting through Kat’s memories,” she said while closing the door behind her.

“Did you find when Flo fucked up her mental state?”

“Yes, we discussed that before I sought to make her a host. I did not realize the entirety of Kat’s past mistakes. What she did to you was monstrous.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“I am very shocked that you have not asked Flo to remove those memories from you, Nav. How can you stand remembering what was done to you?”

“I dunno,” I replied with a shrug. “With a lot of PTSD, I guess. Oh, and plenty of unhealthy coping mechanisms, like tons of weird, kinky sex and mucking about in dreams. Can’t forget forming a more caustic and dickish personality so I push people away instead of letting them get close enough to hurt me. You know, the usuals.”

With each word, her resemblance to a smurf grew. By the time I was done, she looked like someone Gargamel would try to turn to gold. “Would that I could take your pain,” she whispered, gently caressing my face with a wet hand.

“I didn’t know water elementals could be masochistic.”

“Now do you see why I hit her?” Flo sighed.

“No. Now I see why she needs love more than violence. There has been talk of replacing you, Flo. I would never support taking a water’s host away from her, but I advise you keep in mind that there are those who would.”

“They are welcome to try,” Flo replied, tightening her grip on me and turning red. “Navarone is mine and I dare one of our uppity sisters to take her from me. What we share is not the disgusting saccharine love one would expect, but it is love nonetheless.”

“So you say, sister. Navarone may love you. But there is talk that she could grow to love another more. After all, you two did not choose each other. You chose her out of desperation, and lied about your capabilities. That is not our way. And after all Nav has been through, do you not believe she deserves honesty and happiness? Do you want to keep Navarone because she loves you, or do you want to keep Navarone because you love her?”

“You and the others may attempt to knock me from my perch at your own peril, Cascade,” Flo very coldly replied. “Go comfort your rapist host.” Cascade shook her head sadly and departed without another word. Flo slowly loosened around me and fell back to her natural blue.

It was too nice of a day to spend all of it rotting away inside, so now that my schedule was finally clear, I decided to head back up to the deck. Now that we were finally at the peak of day, there was a lot less movement and a lot fewer ponies out and about. There’s something about being covered in fur that doesn’t mix well with being right next to the equator, shade from the balloon or not. Thankfully, I had a personal cooling system by the name of Flo, so it didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Jak was using Spike’s fire to burn runes onto a large chunk of metal, presumably the groundwork for his next golem. Doppel appeared to be trying to make small talk with Blaze, though judging by the occasional monosyllabic answer I heard from him, he wasn’t that enthusiastic about it. The naga was doing forms with one of the guard squads, teaching them how to fight against something with arms and weapons. Zecora had gone from sitting at the front of the ship to standing on one hoof on the railing at the front of the ship, somehow balancing herself. A yellow Naiad was hovering behind her, presumably worried for her safety and internally monologuing about the stupidity and suicidalness of the mortal races.

Despite not really deserving it or even needing it, it felt like a lazy day to me. So I ignored everyone and walked up the stairs leading to the wheel deck. Gourd was teaching Spider the ins and outs of moving the ship around and how all the controls they had worked. I didn’t pay them any mind and just went to stand at the back of the ship so I could overlook the ocean. Unfortunately, that gave me a view of Fluttershy flying with a large flock of birds that were carrying a laughing Silver Quill. I didn’t want to get dragged into that, so I put a foot on the rail and jumped off so I could fly up to the top of the balloon, where I had a feeling no one would attempt to bother me.

The balloon is nice and soft, and Flo made a great pillow. Once I was situated, she oozed off my body and just acted as a pillow while singing softly. I had never really considered sunbathing up there before, but given the low likelihood of interruptions, I resolved to do it more in the future.

All was well for about two hours, when I suddenly felt much colder as something blocked the sun beaming down on me. Without even opening my eyes, I said, “You’re blocking my sun.”

“I am your sun,” Celestia warmly replied.

Of course, that made my eyes slam open. Thankfully, we were still on the balloon instead of in the palace. “How did you teleport in so quietly?”

“Your eyes were closed, so I couldn’t get to you. Instead, I teleported to Twilight. She didn’t know where you were, but one of the water elementals told me one of their sisters was up here.”

“Well, you found me. What did you need?”

“I would like to speak to the fire elemental and the air elemental. I believe I saw the fire on the deck, but he did not look that interested in speaking.”

“You mean the big bulky dude that’s literally made of fire?”

“I do.”

“Yeah, that’s the fire elemental Blaze. Finding Aerie might be more difficult.”

“No it won’t,” Aerie whispered. It sounded like she was talking from behind Celestia. Sure enough, Celestia’s tail started going haywire as Aerie began messing with the magic keeping it constantly moving. “I have always wanted to play with this. I see it every time I watch you, but I never decided to approach you.”

“I’d prefer you play with my mane instead of my tail,” Celestia said.

“I will remember that,” Aerie said, continuing to play with Celestia’s tail. “Why did you desire to speak with me?”

“Navarone has informed me that you and Blaze would like to stay in Canterlot for some time. I like interviewing potential guests of my castle before allowing them to stay there. So if you would consent to it, I would like to ask you a few questions. Privately.”

“Very well.” Celestia’s tail stopped going crazy and she found herself lifted off the balloon. “Then let us become private.” All I had time to see was a look of complete surprise on Celestia’s face before she was dragged off the balloon by an insane air elemental.

She’s a big mare and I figured she could take care of herself, so I went back to sunbathing. Despite it being nice and hot out, I don’t think I was getting any sun burns. After taking a second to think about it, I couldn’t remember getting any since I became half tree. Flo went back to her singing and we both zoned out again.

About an hour later, a slightly charred Princess Celestia joined me back on the balloon. This time, she made her presence known by cuddling up against me as soon as she got there.

“So what did you decide?” I asked.

“That I will host the two of them in Canterlot, on the condition that Blaze spar with me every now and then. He’s a very poor loser, but he’ll get better as it happens more.”

“Cool.”

“You know, you could also spar with me.”

“Can we spar tongues?”

“I meant weapons.”

“How about dildos?”

“...Yes, but I still meant weapons.”

“How about proxies?”

“Learning how to better defend yourself requires sparring against those who are better. The naga is good, but Blaze beat him. Blaze is better, but I beat him. I do not want you to die, Navarone. I cannot teach you, but I can help you train.”

“You’re a super busy princess.”

“You have the ability to enter my dreams at will. And since you are obviously afraid of losing to me, that route would involve no witnesses.”

“In dreams, I have the equivalent of real magic. I don’t know if I could avoid using it.”

“You have the equivalent in real life as well, Navarone. After all, life is only a dream.” She reached a hoof up and her eyes narrowed slightly before a flower slowly started forming in it. Her horn did not light up. “Reality bends to the will of those who choose to bend it,” she quietly said as the pink rose took on its full shape. “The waking world is a dream shared by all. Those of us who choose the path of lucidity can shape the dream to our desires. Those who stay unaware of life’s true nature march to reality’s tune. Princes and princesses change the laws of the land as they please. What makes you think the laws of reality are any different? Open your eyes, Navarone. See the dream for what it is, and you can make it what you want.”

“What does that say about fate, then?” I asked. One of her eyebrows lifted. “You’ve spoken about it before, as though fate was a guaranteed thing. If I began fiddling with magic and twisting the laws of reality, doesn’t that mean I could break fate? Or tune it how I want?”

She gingerly placed the rose behind one of my ears. “I can honestly say that I have never tried. I thought you didn’t believe in fate.”

“I don’t believe that humans have fates. That doesn’t mean you mini horses don’t. And if humans do or did have fates, I never saw any evidence of it. I imagine I probably don’t, since I’m some kind of unholy soulless aberration of nature that probably needs to be destroyed before we can truly stop Discord, but some others might.”

“If you ever say that again, your elemental and I will collaborate to come up with very inventive ways of making you suffer.”

“I’m just sayin’, man. According to Death, I’m a walking automaton without a soul. And you called me a construct.”

“What your hallucinations told you have no bearing on reality. Life is what we believe it to be. There was a time I would say your elementals were only machines. But I see beyond that now. They are alive. And you are alive. Whether or not you have a soul, I cannot say. But it doesn’t matter to me. I’m happy to have you as you are.”

“That’s kind of sad.”

She sniffed. “You have gotten me off subject. I want to spar with you when you return to Canterlot, Navarone. It’s imperative that you be as good as you can be with your weapons. Luck, wit, quick thinking, and reflexes have taken you this far. The naga has given you the foundation for true training. Let me build upon that and turn you into a fighter truly worth fearing.”

“This honestly sounds like something your sister would do. You’ve never really brought this up before, Celestia. What happened?”

“I was informed that one of your new destinations is Tartarus, Nav. I know there is no way to dissuade you from your course, so all I can do is help you become as prepared as possible.”

“Did you also hear that I’m going to Iceland next? The home of the dragons?”

“I did. I advise you speak to Reginald, if he is still in his cave. It has been made clear that I and all of my subjects are not welcome to speak to him or go to any dragon territories. I imagine you would be an exception.”

“I hope so.”

“Now, about my offer. Please let me help you, Nav. I know we have little time left, but we can make good use of what we have. For whatever reason, you hate losing to me. But you swallowed your pride against the naga. Just think of me as him, another teacher that is helping you learn. There is no shame. And if that is not enough, I will allow you to do almost anything you choose to me should you let me train you.”

“I wasn’t planning on stopping at Canterlot. I was going to drop off these two, speak to Reginald, and begin moving to Iceland as quickly as possible. I’ve wasted enough time.”

“And your time spent in idleness on this ship is not a waste? Let me take you with me back there.”

“And leave the ship again? This is my ship and my crew, Celestia. I joined you after Africa because you needed my help. But I hated doing it. I belong here, with my friends and my daughter. If this is truly such a big deal to you, I’ll join you in your dreams, but I won’t leave the ship for anything but an emergency. After all, where we’re going, we’ll all have to know how to fight. If I was the only one intensely training, it would do no good. We will fight as a team, with cohesion, against the demons. I won’t learn how to do that from you, and you can’t teleport us all.”

She deeply sighed and laid her head against my stomach. “All I want is for you to be safe, Nav. I will look for you in my dreams tonight. If you are not there, I will come back for you.”

“You’re certainly welcome to try.”

She smiled and pulled herself up to kiss me. “That’s all part of the training,” she happily replied. With that, her horn lit up and she popped away, presumably heading back to Canterlot.

“Well, I guess that’s one way to reply to a letter,” Flo said.

“I guess so,” I replied, easing back down against her watery goodness.

“Your front and back are going to be uneven, you know.”

“Meh.” I went ahead and flipped over anyway, letting my back start getting tanned as well.

“It’s going to be a long flight back, huh?”

“I bet it’ll feel like no time at all…”

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-One—Dawn of the First Day

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-One—Dawn of the First Day

The trip back to true civilization passed quickly and mostly uneventfully. One of our crew members got arrested, but when we proved they were in another city at the time of the crime, we were free to go on our way. Pinkie and Dash wanted to figure out who really did it, but I smacked them on the nose with a magazine until they changed their minds.

Because I really didn’t want to get dragged to Canterlot for another few weeks of bullshit, I trained with Celestia in her dreams. And because I really didn’t want my ship to be haunted, I worked with Zecora to try to exorcise some of the ghosts. I had no luck against Celestia and piss-poor luck with Zecora. Apparently something about being horribly and violently murdered makes some spirits skittish.

Our ship made it to Canterlot in the middle of the night, so most of the crew was asleep. As soon as I woke up, I disentangled myself from Twilight, took a shower, got dressed for the day, and went up to the deck. Gourd was collecting money from one of the passengers we picked up. As soon as the mare counted off the last bit, she hit the gangplank and went on her way.

My captain nodded and turned to head back below, but walked over to me instead. “That was the last of the passengers. We haven’t started unloading the goods yet. Silver’s gonna head down to the markets and try to get the best prices on everything.”

“Send your quartermaster with her,” I said. “You guys will need to know how to haggle and search for prices without her.”

“Good idea. How long are we gonna be in Canterlot?”

“I’ll go ahead and say three days, but that might increase if we start running into problems. I really hope we don’t run into problems.”

“Here’s hoping. Canterlot is nice, but I’m starting to actually like having open ocean beneath us.”

“Nice is a word you could use, I guess. Not the first one I’d go with, though. Anyway, does Celestia know we’re here yet?”

“She hasn’t sent any messengers, but I’d be very surprised if she didn’t know.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll go let her know we’re here and ready to drop off Aerie and Blaze. Whenever you see Watcher, let him know we’ll be here for three or so days. Feel free to let the crew out to see the sights.”

“You got it. Are we still heading to the dragon homeland next?”

“That’s the plan. I don’t know if they have traders or if those traders would be interested in anything we could bring, though. Silver might be able to find out at the market.”

“I’ll have her ask around. But I’ve never heard of any trade or passenger ship going there.”

That’s probably not a good sign. “Well, we’re probably heading to Tartarus shortly after we get back from Iceland, so if they can’t find any products worth selling, don’t worry too much about it.”

“Works for me. Honestly, I don’t think I’d really want to go to Iceland too much anyway. I think I prefer quicker, more profitable routes. Besides, most dragons are weird.”

“They certainly can be. Once I speak to Celestia, I’ll head back here and then quickly head off to the Everfree to talk to Reginald. He can probably give me more information about what to expect in Iceland.”

“Alright. If I get any messages from nobles wanting to speak to you, what should I do?”

“I dunno. I guess tell them I’m not in at the moment. If anyone mentions they’re here to marry me, politely tell them that Taya and I are not currently on the market. For anyone else, take a message. I kinda doubt that’ll happen, though. From what I understand, a lot of Canterlot is elitist enough that they don’t like peasants who get uplifted to the nobility. And even then, I own the most undeveloped and dangerous plot of land in Equestria.”

“You’re also… well, you.”

“Good point. Anyway, I’m off.”

“See you later, Nav.” I nodded and walked over to one of the edges to jump off.

Before I could even level off, I was joined by one of the pegasus guards. He flew up next to me and matched my very slow pace. “You need something?” I asked as soon as I was steady.

“Watcher said to make sure there was always at least one of us with you when you were in Canterlot. He didn’t have any time to give us orders this time, so I just followed.” He wasn’t even wearing armor, not that it mattered.

“Alright, whatever.” I certainly wasn’t about to complain. The more people looking out for my life, the better, especially since I didn’t bring my ring or any weapons.

It was a typically bright and cheery and frigidly cold winter morning in Canterlot. There were almost no pegasi out and about, though the streets were crawling with rich ponies bundled up in winter clothes, trying to avoid slipping on patches of ice before the street cleaning unicorns could do their job. We were flying up high enough that no one really looked up to watch us, but I had a feeling that news of my arrival would spread quickly, if it hadn’t already.

As soon as we landed in front of the palace, the chill in the air was replaced with a nice toastiness. Celestia doesn’t much care for the cold and uses magic to keep her palace and its grounds warm and cozy. I consider that a waste of magic, personally, but I’m used to no one caring what I think.

The guards at the door just nodded at the two of us as we entered. Being a noble was enough to allow access to the palace, in case being the princess’s personal fuck toy wasn’t enough. The main hall was closer than her breakfast room, so I went there first. There was only one guard at the door and he told me that she hadn’t gotten there yet, so we started walking to the breakfast room instead. That door had two guards and they waved me in.

As soon as Celestia saw me, she put her cake-covered fork down and beamed. “So you finally made it.”

“I finally did. When can you get Blaze and Aerie set up?”

“I’ve already arranged a place in the palace for them. I would like to have your ship over the palace before moving them, though. The sight of a floating fire demon might scare ponies.”

“I’ll go tell Gourd to move it, then.”

Her horn lit up and the door locked. I lifted an eyebrow. A chair pushed itself out. “I imagine he’s offloading trade goods. He won’t be able to move for another few hours. Maybe a day, even. Sit.”

“I have other things to do.”

“And a nice, long day in which to do them.” She gazed at my hands before lifting me with magic and placing me in the chair, then pushing me in. “Which means you need to partake in the most important meal of the day!”

“...Cake?”

“Cake can be part of the most important meal of the day, but it doesn’t have to be all of it. As I’m sure you can see, there are plenty of other options available.”

I quickly perused the table before looking back up at her. “What, no meat?”

“If you would like, I can be a part of the menu later. But until then, I must insist that you partake in what is available.”

God dammit, I didn’t want this to become a thing. With the door locked and her being very insistent, I knew I wouldn’t be getting out of the palace any time soon. So I just internally said fuck it and started eating. She smiled and went back to making herself even more obese.

“Things have been fairly quiet in Canterlot since you left,” she said when we were finished. “Despite the divorce, Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis seem to be closer than ever, and they’re cooperating to try to bring the nobles together. It’s a very… interesting and ordered state of affairs.”

“And what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s a long time coming, but I very dearly hope they remember their stations when all of the nobles are at their back. That amount of power has a way of… changing one’s perspective and thought process. Asking them to do this was a risk.”

“I figured having them under control and on your side would be a good idea when you decide to announce the truth about the whole sun thing.”

“If they are on my side. Certain opportunistic nobles might see that as a perfect chance to have me deposed and claim power for him or herself. Something like that is the reason I did my best to keep them bickering with each other, fighting over whatever little scraps of power they could get.”

“...I’ll admit, that’s something I hadn’t considered. But I don’t think it’ll happen.”

Her eyes narrowed very slightly. “You are not a politician, Nav. You are intelligent and you can be devious and you are usually cunning, but you honestly have very little experience in matters such as these. I know you were only trying to help, but I ask that you consult me before doing such things. It was not a terrible idea and it won’t be immediately problematic, but it has potential for longer term issues. We could have tweaked it and possibly used a different noble to unite everypony behind. Notably you, which was part of the reason I made you a noble to begin with. But no matter.”

“I wouldn’t have been interested and I’ve been too busy with the whole Discord thing.”

“Which doesn’t explicitly require you. The things that you are doing need to be done, but you are not necessarily the one that has to do them. I could have pulled you off the ship and helped kickstart a building project in the Everfree. If you spent a few nights a week in Canterlot, it wouldn’t have been difficult for you to get all the nobles on your side. Especially if we swapped or shared bodies occasionally.”

“There’s a spell for sharing bodies?”

“There is, but it has… problems. However, most of those problems can be mitigated with other spells and the assistance of your elemental.”

“Well, either way, I still wouldn’t be interested. And I can’t imagine the nobles of Canterlot would be all too happy to follow a soulless freaky winged ape-thing.”

“Then I would be happy to show you the unimaginable. Ponies are easy to get on your side and lead. And once all the nobles were cemented under you, any… union between us would create a very long-lasting peace.”

“Does that mean you’re going to marry Fleur instead?”

She actually shivered in disgust. “No. Eww, no.”

“That’s racist.”

“It has nothing to do with her being a pony and everything to do with her being Canterlot’s personal bicycle.”

“Oh. That’s slut-shaming.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, that’s all going on the assumption that we get married.”

“Not necessarily. That’s the ideal end scenario, but you can easily become my royal consort instead. It shares many of the same benefits and would have the same basic end result. This was a very long-term plan, though, and I know how you tend to twist and tear at those.”

“...And when were you planning on telling me all of this?” She shrugged. I pushed myself away from the table and stood. “Welp, time for me to head back to the ship.”

That made her chuckle. “The door’s still locked, silly.”

“Do you mind unlocking it?”

“Yes.” I sighed and sat back down. Her horn lit up and pushed my chair back in. “What’s so distasteful about the idea of getting married, hm? Afraid of commitment, perhaps? Or do you just not want to get married to me?”

“Marriage feels very… permanent. People change. Falling into and out of love is easy and it seems like two very long-living people could easily fall out of sorts.”

She smiled and shook her head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Nav. You’re thinking of love as a feeling, something that just happens between two people. No, love is a choice. It’s something that has to be built up and maintained. Should anything ever happen to jeopardize that love, you have the choice of working together with your partner to get around it or letting it overcome your love. I’m afraid that all too often, partners choose to succumb to the hardships of life and let their love for each other die prematurely. But never think that it can’t be maintained across long periods of time, Nav. It most definitely can, should you choose to let it.”

“But love doesn’t require marriage.”

“It doesn’t, no. But it would mean ever so much to me if the pony… or person with whom I fell in love one day asked me to marry him… or her. It’s a symbol of two lives becoming one, and symbols are very important to ponies. And I have a feeling they are to humans, as well.”

I shrugged and said, “Some humans. Have you ever been married before?”

“No, actually. And despite what I said, it would take a lot for me to agree to marry you. I consider it something extremely sacred and special and I wouldn’t want to say yes unless I knew it would last. Some ponies take such things lightly. I would not be one of them, and I would make very sure my partner was aware of that beforehoof.”

“That’s understandable, and something I can agree with. If you’re going to bite the bullet and say those vows, you better fucking mean them. Anyway, can I go now?”

She finally stood. I started to push myself out, but her horn lit up and stopped my chair in its tracks. She walked over with a very sly grin and leaned in very close. “Why are you in such a hurry, Navi?” she breathed.

I unconsciously leaned back, which only made her move closer. “Because usually when I spend longer than an hour in Canterlot, you or Fleur have me do some retarded-ass bullshit and I get stuck here for days. I was trying to avoid that.”

She softly kissed me for a moment and then placed her mouth next to one of my ears. “Well, there is one thing you can do…”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “And what thing is that?”

“Me.”

“...I can make an exception this time.” A flash of gold light went off next to me and I found myself on her bed, suddenly wearing only a grin.

While we were enjoying our post coital bliss and I was mindlessly running my hands through her feathers, I asked, “Why couldn’t we just do this in your dreams? That would be a lot easier and we could do it any night. It would also be more fun than sparring.”

“Because as with most things, actually doing it is so much better. So much more… primal.” She sighed and laid her head against the hand in her wings. “Oh, you spoil me so…”

“Yeah, but we’re both so busy in real life. You with a kingdom, me with world saving.”

“You just want to get out of sparring because you’re tired of losing against me.”

“This is more fun and I’m much better at it.” She chuckled and nibbled at my arm for a moment. “Do I taste good?”

“Oh yes, definitely. I love it when you have more fruit in your diet than meat.” Her body finally rolled over on top of me. She positioned her legs so that most of her weight was on them, but I still couldn’t move under her warm, furry mass. Her pretty pink eyes beat down into my dull green ones. “You need to learn to fight, Nav. Training in real life is much better than training in dreams, but as you said, our time is very limited. There are time dilation fields, but those have some… interesting side effects that I’d rather not risk. I just don’t feel comfortable letting you go into Tartarus.”

“Would you feel comfortable even if I had all the training in the world?”

She sighed and looked away. “No…”

“Boom, problem solved. Now, wanna go again?”

Her eyes met mine again. “Absolutely. I’ll make a deal with you, in fact. If you agree to spar with me all day tomorrow, I will spend all day today pleasuring you in every way imaginable.”

“Don’t you have a country to run?”

“I can take two days to make sure you stay alive.”

“Oh. Well, as tempting of an offer as it is, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.”

She sighed and placed her forehead against mine. Due to how horse heads are built, that was very uncomfortable for me, since her horn was pressing against the top of my head and my entire face was covered by her snout. “If you don’t accept my offer, I’m going to have to take drastic measures. Measures that you won’t like.”

That got my attention, as she knew it would. I leaned to the side, so I wouldn’t be speaking into her nostrils, and asked, “Such as?”

“Nothing that will affect you immediately. And nothing that will harm you in any way. You will be very upset with me, but it would be the closest to comfortable I could feel with you in Tartarus.”

“Celestia, intentional and pointless vagueness is my number one pet peeve. Say what you mean or don’t say anything.”

“Then I won’t say anything. But if you don’t let me train you as much as possible, I’ll have to insist that you have a guide and protector with you when you go into Tartarus.”

“...How’s that a bad thing?”

She sighed again and kissed my nose. “You’ll know in time.” What did I just say? Before I could ask just that, she finally pulled back. “If you aren’t going to accept my gracious and generous offer, I’m afraid I’ll have to get back to running that country. I believe you’re making an unwise decision, but it is your decision to make.”

“I’m glad you understand that. Does that mean you’re going to get off me now?”

“Yes.” And just like that, she got off me. Her horn lit up and my clothes floated over to the bed. “Once you have the ship docked at the palace, I will move Blaze.”

“Alright. I’ll probably be in town for at least another two days, if something big comes up that you need me for. Just please, no more pointless political bullshit.”

“Nothing I do is pointless, Nav. The fact that you are unable to see why I do something just means you aren’t ready to make huge changes to the political landscape here.”

“And with luck, I never will be. On the off chance we can actually somehow stop Discord and I find a way to survive, I’ll probably exile myself to the Everfree. That seems like the best way of avoiding all the mindless petty bullshit that happens here.”

“We shall see.” A golden glow came to her horn and she vanished with a loud pop.

“Should I poke around in her underwear drawers, or would that be rude?” I asked.

“It would be rude,” Flo replied. “Besides, it’s not like you could find anything that would fit.”

“When raiding panty drawers, you aren’t looking for something to fit, you’re looking for something to look at.”

“...What’s the point of window shopping if you basically own the store?”

“I dunno.” It was a good enough point to make me concede and start getting dressed, at least.

As soon as I got ready, I took a quick look around. Celestia’s room had tons of little knick-knacks from thousands of years of life and who knows how many magical artifacts. Looking around was always interesting, but I decided not to take a chance in touching anything without wearing my ring. Instead, I just left her chambers. There was a single day guard at the entrance who only spared me a glance before going back to doing nothing.

Seeing him reminded me that I had to find my soldier before leaving, so I started walking to Celestia’s dining room. Usually, there are nobles and other high-ranking officials wandering around the palace. This time, all I saw was the occasional servant and guard. I kinda wondered if she actually cancelled all the plans she had because she thought I’d agree to her deal. It sounded fairly spur-of-the-moment, but I suppose anyone that skilled at getting her way could make anything sound unplanned.

My guard was still standing at the dining room’s door. Celestia’s guards had wandered off at some point, apparently. “I was starting to wonder if you were poisoned, ma’am,” he said. “I would have checked, but the door was locked.”

“It takes a lot to poison me. The princess was just interested in having a very private conversation and also sex, so we teleported to her room.” His ears twitched, unsurprisingly. “What?”

He shrugged. “I’m just surprised, I guess.”

“About what?”

“I didn’t know her standards were that low.”

“Eat a dick. Let’s get back to the ship.”

He grinned and bowed. “After you, my lady.”

I started walking to a window but stopped. “Wait, eat a dick after me or get back to the ship after you?”

“I live to serve,” he said, trying not to laugh.

“Don’t you tempt me. I will happily find a stallion just to make you own up to that.”

“Well I’m bi, so…”

“Tch. I’m in a hurry anyway.” Dealing with Celestia’s bullshit put me behind my imaginary schedule. We continued on our way, though it sounded like there was more of a spring in his step than there should have been.

The palace at Canterlot is a very open and airy place, so it didn’t take long for us to find an open balcony we could jump out of. As soon as I put my foot on the rails, my guard cleared his throat.

“Is there something else you want?” I sighed, turning to look at him.

“Watcher also asked us to keep an eye out for you doing anything… ahem, unladylike in a place where others might see. Should you really jump from a window? It’s considered very crass.”

“God damn motherfucking son of a… Fine.” I removed my foot from the railing. “Then lead the fucking way, because I have no idea where an exit is.”

“As you wish, Lady Navarone.”

He took the lead and I got to stare at his shaking tail for a few minutes. “I thought me becoming a lady was supposed to make me unapproachable or something,” I finally said. “A lot of people implied those without titles would be too nervous or respectful to talk back to me, but you guys don’t care.”

“Most of us commoners haven’t helped nurse you back from the brink of death a few times. Or got to see you getting beaten around the ship by the naga. Or picked up and kissed by a dragoness. Or turned into a mare to have your belly rubbed. It doesn’t matter how far you rise in station, those you spend time with will always treat you differently, as long as you continue to do so with them. It’s the same in the palace with the princess, though none of the guards or servants would ever admit to it to anyone but each other.”

“Fair enough, I guess. It’s always good to have someone reminding me that I’m only human.”

“And we’re only ponies. Feel free to keep that in mind the next time you feel like giving belly rubs.”

“Yes, I’ll be sure to keep my valiant and manly guards in mind the next time I want to make someone adorably moan in delight as I rub their belly.”

“Be careful who you call manly. Nightshade will pout if you ever imply she’s not feminine.”

“That sounds adorable.”

“Oh, it is. We used to do it all the time. Then she dosed half of us with stuff that made our voices high pitched and dyed our fur and manes pink. She didn’t give us the antidote until we promised to stop.”

“Well, shit. Not like she can really make my body worse.”

“Tease her if you want,” he said with a shrug. “You were warned.”

It didn’t take us long to get to the main entrance of the palace. As soon as we did, I had to stop my eyes from rolling at the sight of Fleur. Refraining gave me a chance to see actual surprise on her face before it fell into happiness and she dragged her two noblemare companions over to me.

“My dear Lady Navarone, I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon,” she sweetly said when she was within socially acceptable speaking distance.

“I just got back into town last night and I won’t be here much longer,” I replied. “I’m giving everyone a few days off before we move on.”

“And where are you heading next?”

“Iceland, home of the dragons,” I said. I did not at all like the grin that came to her face. “I don’t know how long we’ll be there.”

Thankfully, her smile took a hit. It was a minor hit, but it was still a hit. “Well, I was wondering if you could perhaps carry a letter with you. There aren’t many couriers or merchants going to Iceland, so we’ve been having difficulties getting word to them.”

“Word about what?” I asked, already starting to hate myself.

“Why, the new Miss Universe contest you suggested, silly! I was hoping I could go myself, but if you don’t know your schedule, I’m afraid I can’t make that commitment. But I can get you an official flyer and several letters to bring to Clutch Leader Pyrite!”

“Have you ever met him?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I haven’t had the pleasure. He’s only been to one party in my lifetime, and I was unavailable that year.”

“Dude’s huge. Bigger than this entire palace. His claws are longer than me. I don’t think he could read any letters. I’ll try to get an audience with him, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

She sighed and shrugged. “The dragons were always going to be a long shot. Would you mind passing out flyers in other areas you pass through? I’m sure hearing about it from the great Lady Navarone would kickstart every young mare’s interest!”

“And hopefully young females of other species.”

“Of course. I shall have a stack delivered to your ship. How long will you be in Canterlot? I’d love to have lunch one day, if you’re available.”

“I should be free tomorrow and the next day.”

“Would you care to join me at my home for lunch tomorrow?”

“I’d be delighted to, Fleur. Noon?”

“That would be perfect. I’ll see you then, Nav.”

“Until tomorrow, then.” We both happily nodded and went on our separate ways.

When they were out of earshot, my guard said, “I got dibs on guarding you.”

“Dude, why?”

“Because I heard what happened last time and I’d love to hear that.”

“Pervert.” He didn’t reply. Given that we were finally going through the palace doors, I guess I could understand. Since it was now supposedly acceptable, I spread my wings and took off. He joined me in the air a moment later, easily flanking me with my slow speed.

All things told, I didn’t feel overly protected. But I also didn’t feel threatened, so at least there was that.

Captain Gourd and Watcher were both on deck and talking to each other, so I landed next to them. My guard flew over to a group of his peers and started chilling. “What’s the word in Canterlot?” Watcher asked.

“Bird,” I replied. “Celestia wants us to move the ship to the palace once we get all our goods unloaded. She’ll move Blaze then.”

“Good, we don’t have to pay to dock there. Did you get any information about going to Iceland from her?”

“No, that’ll be my next destination. I’m heading to the Everfree to talk to Reginald, if he’s home.”

“You want guards?” Watcher asked.

“Nah. The Everfree does what the Everfree wants, guards or no. Resisting just makes it worse.”

“...I’ll keep that in mind. Will you at least take someone else with you? I don’t feel comfortable letting anyone go there alone.”

“Yeah, I was going to invite Twilight and Spike. Maybe Taya, if she’s awake and can cast the spell to give herself wings. We’re gonna be here for a minimum of three days, if you want to tell most of your soldiers to take off.”

“I’ll let them go in shifts, in case we need any of them. Be careful in the Everfree, Nav.”

“That’s the plan, old man. I’ll see you guys when I get back.” They both nodded and went back to talking about whatever boring peasants talk about while I wandered down belowdecks.

My first stop was Twilight’s room, where I found her drying off with a huge towel. She was facing the door and smiled as soon as she saw me. “Good morning, Nav.”

“Little bit late for morning, but it’s good all the same. You wanna join me on a trip to see Reginald?”

“To talk about getting into Iceland?”

“Yep. I figured you wouldn’t mind picking up some info about dragons.”

“You figured right. I’d be happy to go. When are you planning on leaving?”

“As soon as I invite Spike and Taya, then grab my sword.” Her horn lit up and water started sliding off her fur and landing on the floor in a puddle. “If you could have done that at any time, why’d you wait?”

“Because doing some things by hoof just feels better, sometimes. I bet if you could suddenly do everything with magic, you’d still use your hands for tons of things.”

“...You would never see me rubbing a belly with magic, that’s for sure.”

“Nor would I ever expect it. I’ll be ready when you are, Nav.”

“‘Kay.” She started preparing a bag, so I moved on to Spike’s room. His door was closed and he didn’t answer when I knocked, so I moved on to Taya. Her door was wide open and she was stretched out languidly on the bed. “Wanna go to the Everfree?” I asked.

“How?” she asked right back, adding a yawn for good measure.

“By you giving yourself wings and us flying over.”

“Last time you wouldn’t let me…”

“And this time I will.” She slid out of bed and showed off a great big ol’ stretch. “That’s my girl. I’m gonna go grab my sword. Meet me on deck.”

“‘Kay.”

Once I got to my room, I realized why Spike didn’t answer. He was in my room, fiddling around with the weird balancing baton thing. As soon as he saw me, he dropped it. It hit the ground at a weird angle and shot upright. It went so fast that it overcorrected and slammed into his shin, making him jump up and down in pain. It was amusing, so I just crossed my arms and waited it out instead of trying to help.

When he was over it, he awkwardly cleared his throat and tried to stop blushing. It wasn’t working, so he just asked, “So uh… how are you this morning?”

“Good. You wanna visit Reginald?”

His smile dipped down and his ears twitched. “Uhhh… Do I have to?”

“No. That’s why I was asking instead of telling. Now what did you need?”

“Oh, right. I was gonna ask how long we’re going to be in Canterlot.”

“Minimum three days.”

“That’s perfect! Gilda and I were talking about getting all the meat eaters to a restaurant she knows in Canterlot. I think it would be fun, but we’d probably need you to get the naga in.”

“Sure, as long as it’s not lunch today or tomorrow.”

“Awesome. This is gonna be great! I’ll talk to the others and try to get a good time. See you later, Nav!” He rushed past me and then down the hall. I shook my head and buckled my sword on. There was no reason to bother with armor, so I just went on up to the deck.

Taya was the first to join me, since all she had to do was stretch. Twilight was a minute or two behind, carrying a few books. “So are you sure you’re comfortable with this spell?” Twilight asked my daughter.

“I am,” she replied with a nod. Then her horn lit up and a pair of soft wings appeared on her back. “See?”

“That’s a very good job,” Twilight said with a smile. Her horn lit up and a matching set of wings appeared on her back. “Now can you spread them and actually fly?”

A determined look came to Taya’s face and her wings started slowly flapping. “How fast do they need to go?”

“That’s about as fast as they do go, actually,” Twilight said, demonstrating with her own. “But these wings are not pegasus wings. They don’t really generate lift, per se. Once you have them, you just have to flap them and want to fly, and you do.” To prove the point, she gently took off.

Taya’s head tilted for a moment before she joined Twilight in the air. “I’m doing it!” She had the biggest grin on her face and for a moment, I wondered why I never really let her do it before.

“That you are, dear,” I said, poking one of her back hooves. That’s all I could reach without being in the air myself. “Do you want to do a few laps around the ship before we go?”

“No, I know you and Twilight won’t let me fall. I wanna see the whole city like this!”

“Then let’s go.” I walked over to a side and jumped off. She and Twilight joined me as I stabilized. “I want to see Reginald first, then we can fly as much as you want.”

“Okay, mommy. Let’s go!” She started flying toward the Everfree. Twilight and I joined her.

All things told, it was a very cold day for a flight. Pretty and sunny, but still extremely cold. If I still had a dick, the poor thing would have been in hibernation. As it was, my nipples were doing their best to poke through. I got to find out first hand how awful rubbing them too much with fabric is and I started hating everything before we were even halfway there.

At least Taya had fun, which made the flight partially worthwhile.

Once all three of us were down in the clearing in front of his cave, I started walking to the cave entrance. “What’s with all the bones?” Taya asked.

“This is the Everfree, and the Everfree does not like unwanted guests,” I said. “Reginald happens to be an unwanted guest who is also a dragon, so he doesn’t give a fuck what the Everfree wants, so he torched enough monsters that the Everfree doesn’t really do much to him anymore.”

“How did you figure that out, anyway?” Twilight asked.

“A mix of experimentation and something Luna told me. Once we get inside, don’t touch anything without permission.” They both nodded and we finally went into Reginald’s moist, dark hole.

As soon as we stepped inside, I heard some kind of scratching noises further in. It wasn’t a very long walk and I didn’t want to interrupt him if he was in the middle of something or had another guest in, so I stopped. “Want me to send a light in?” Twilight quietly asked. “If he sees it, he can come out.”

“That might make him think he’s under attack. His ears are good, so he should hear this.” I cleared my throat and shouted, “Hey Reginald, you home?”

The scratching stopped as soon as I shouted and then something large started moving toward us. I was quickly able to tell it was a large dragon, but the other two couldn’t see in the darkness well enough to tell. Soon, however, the great wyrm himself was before us. “Welcome back, Navarone,” he said. “Is your sword sharp?”

“Extremely. It’s also magical.”

“Perfect. Do you mind if I borrow it for a moment?”

I pulled it out of the sheath and held it by the blade for him to take. He reached a claw out and very gently took it from me, then used it to pierce his own scales. Our eyes widened and he hissed for a second before prying up, lifting the scales off his skin.

“What are you doing?” I asked, wondering if we could stop him if we tried.

“It seems that some kind of parasite snuck into my cave and got under my scales,” he said. “It itches like fire. I hate to ask this of you, but could you… perhaps assist me?”

“I’m gonna have to ask you how, Reggie,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Anything able to affect me like this has to be large enough to be… exterminated by claw, so to say,” he said. “Normally, I’d breathe fire into my scales and call that done, but it hurts even worse until it heals, so I’d rather avoid it if I could.”

“So, what, I need to get in there and do something?”

“Yes. It is going to be uncomfortable, but it is the only safe way.”

“Ugh. Can’t Twilight just zap it?”

“It would be risky,” Twilight said. “Most of a dragon’s magic resistance is in his scales. Using magic inside of his scales isn’t something I’d want to try. I might hurt him.”

“Fuck it, whatever. That sword’s the only weapon I brought, so I’m gonna need a knife or something.”

He sighed in relief, blasting us all with steam. “You have my gratitude, Nav. Please, avail yourself to my treasure room. There is something suitable there, I’m sure.”

“Right, right. Oh, and this is my daughter, by the way.”

He turned his large eyes to her and smiled slightly. “Ah, so this is Taya. Welcome to my cave, dear.”

“Hi.”

He waited for a second, but nothing else came, so I said, “She doesn’t talk much.”

“Ah.” I finally started walking around him, to his treasure trove. “If you don’t mind, I shall remain here. Just having the scales open gives me some relief, and moving would agitate it.”

“Twilight, start asking him about Iceland.” She started doing that while Taya and I began searching through Reginald’s vast treasure trove.

“So what are we looking for?” Taya asked.

“I dunno, a knife or something. Preferably steel. There’s no telling what dragon fleas are made of, but I can’t imagine it’ll be anything I want to fuck with.”

“Will this work?” she asked. I looked over there and found she was using magic to hold up a small steel pickaxe.

“That’ll definitely do it,” I said. “I kinda wanna know why he has this, but there’s probably a morbid story there and I really don’t feel like asking about a dead man’s tools.” She floated it to me and we started walking back to the dragon.

The scale he had pried up was on his back, so I started walking up his tail. It flinched when I stepped on it, but he immediately calmed down and let me walk up to where he had the sword. “Do you see it?” he asked.

“Oh yeah.” It was a giant chigger that was trying to eat into the flesh under the scales. “Jesus, this thing’s as big as Taya. Nowhere near as cute, though.”

It had already torn a fairly large hole into the tough skin and part of it was already submerged in Reginald’s body. The head and upper legs were still sticking out as it tried to enlarge the hole enough for the rest of him to get down there.

I adjusted my grip on the pickaxe before jumping and bringing it down right onto the thing’s face. It exploded into gore with a horrific cracking sound, spraying bits of shell and bug goop everywhere. That was nasty, but I had been through much worse. I tossed the pickaxe aside and grabbed the chigger by its front legs. The feeling of its slightly furry exoskeleton against my hands made me shiver in disgust.

With a heave, I lifted the thing out of him, making him sigh in pain. As its body came out, droplets of steaming blood came out with it, instantly warming me all the way up and making me feel a lot more nasty than I wanted to. I dropped it over the side of his body and pulled myself off his skin.

“Thank you, Nav,” he said, pulling the sword away. His scale drooped down, but didn’t quite fall into place.

“No problem,” I said as I kicked the scale until it looked right. He handed the sword back and I slid it into place. “Is there any chance your stream is heated? I feel disgusting now.”

“It is not, but I would be happy to heat it for you. It is something I have done for Luna in the past. What temperatures are you comfortable with?”

“Preferably between… shit, three hundred and three hundred and ten, if possible.” Kelvin, of course. That was one of the more annoying parts of getting used to horse land; they use metric for everything.

“Excellent, then you are the same. Please, hold on tight.” I walked up to his neck and grabbed one of the spines there. He started walking back into the depths of the cave. “Please join us, Taya and Twilight.” It’s not like they were going to do anything else, but Twilight was poking at the corpse of the chigger with a hoof and writing something in a notebook. She finished with a flourish and they both fell into step behind the dragon, then quickly fell behind because he’s a fucking dragon. “So you have come to be granted entrance to Iceland,” he said.

“No, we came to ask questions about Iceland,” I said. “I figured we could just go there.”

“You figured incorrectly. Dragons are fiercely territorial and trying to enter would be unwise. Sneaking in would be akin to suicide. You might be able to get permission to enter, if you were lucky. Very lucky. Your dragon could come and go as he pleased. Getting your entire ship in would be impossible.” We were now at the stream, so he reached up and very carefully wrapped one of his claws around me so he could place me on the ground. “Remain here.”

He shoved his head into the stream and it immediately started bubbling. Taya and Twilight caught up a few moments after he started and Twilight asked, “What is he doing?”

“No clue. Looks like getting into Iceland might be a problem.”

“Well, of course. It’s not like it’s gonna be easy,” she replied. “Nothing ever is, for you.”

“Don’t I know it…” I sighed.

Reginald finally pulled his head out. The water stopped boiling and just steamed as the heat spread through the stream. “This temperature should be ideal.”

“Cool.” I started stripping down. I had bits of blood and bug goop all over, so I was just going to throw all my clothes in and then jump in myself.

As soon as I started pulling off my bra, Reginald cleared his throat. “Should I be here for this?” he quietly asked.

“I dunno, if you want,” I replied as I got the thing off me, exposing my pointy breasticals. His ear spines dropped as I pulled the panties off next “Dude, I’m just a girl. You said you did this for Luna all the time, right?”

“...Yes, I did. But you always wear clothes. Seeing you like this feels… taboo.”

“You’ll live.” I walked over to the water and bent over to stick a hand in. It was a little more warm than I liked, but I figure it would cool off after a few minutes. So I slipped under and rinsed all the bullshit off me. Being able to breathe underwater is a godsend; I spent about a minute down there before I was scooped out of the water by some claws.

“Are you well?” Reginald asked, lifting me up to get a look at my face.

“Yeah. Why, did you find another bug?”

“You were underwater for over a minute. Not many races can hold their breath for that long. I was checking to make sure the water was not too hot and that you did not need assistance.”

“Dude, I’m not a baby.”

He sighed. “My apologies. I know most mortal races are frail and at times I forget how tough they can be.” He lowered me back to the water. That’s when I saw that Twilight and Taya were also soaking in the hot spring. Oh great, it’s the onsen episode...

That didn’t stop me from getting clean, though. I went back underwater and got the last of the sticky crap off me, then slid back up to the surface. Twilight and Taya were sitting on one of the edges, so I swam over to them and forced myself in the middle, because cuddling against mares is awesome when you’re naked.

“So how do we get in?” I asked Reginald, who was staring at the water. “There’s gotta be a trick.”

“It has been over a thousand years since I was last there. Things have possibly changed, but I highly doubt it. Dragons do not much care for change, after all. I’ve been considering going back for quite some time. If there is anything you would like me to do while I am there, I am at your service. Spike may accompany me as well.”

Flo, how dangerous would a dragon be to a water elemental?

“They could be very dangerous. We need the lay of the land scouted before we could even try to sneak in, and we need to know if it would be safe to extract the elemental there.”

“Shit, there has to be some way to get me in there,” I sighed, leaning back. Taya pressed against me, so I unconsciously began rubbing her back.

“Hm. It’s risky, but I could eat you,” Reginald said.

I thought about that for about thirty seconds before very slowly asking, “And how would that help?”

“I’d vomit you up once we got somewhere private.”

“And then I’d be naked, half-digested, weaponless, in unfriendly territory, and again, half-digested.”

“Not necessarily. We could—”

“Vore is not my fetish, Reggie. I’m not letting you fucking eat me.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Fine. The only way to get into Iceland is to be a dragon. And don’t think a changeling could do it, either. You have to be the real deal. They’ll know. So unless you can just magically transform into one, you aren’t getting in.”

“I can do that, actually,” Twilight said.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Of course!”

“As sure as you were that time you wanted to turn me into a griffin?”

“Hey, I apologized for that! And it’s not like you got hurt.”

“Fluttershy’s still blushing around me!”

Taya giggled and asked, “So what happened?”

“Ugh, Twilight turned me into a house cat,” I said. That made Taya laugh and Reginald spew steam everywhere. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. So you can turn me into a dragon. Are you sure it won’t just be a giant lizard?”

“We can try it right now to see if it’ll work,” Twilight said. “Though we should probably go outside first. If there are any difficulties, I can fine-tune the spell while we’re in Canterlot. It’s not like we can really do much until we can get someone entry into Iceland anyway.”

“If you can really turn her into a dragon, that would be amazing,” Reginald said. “Truly, magic has come a long way in my absence from the world. As long as I can sense a dragon spirit in her, I could easily get her into Iceland.”

“Can you turn me back?” I asked. “I know we talked about this before and that was the main concern.”

“It still is,” Twilight said. “But Taya and I both have wings now. If we can’t turn you back, we can fly to Canterlot and get Celestia to help us.”

“And if not, there are many worse things to be than a dragon,” Reginald said. “I would be happy to help you adjust.”

“Don’t get me wrong, being a dragon’s gonna be fucking awesome, but I still quite like being a human. But hell, I guess if I can adjust to having a vagina, I could probably survive as a dragon.”

“Then shall we head to the entrance?” he asked.

“Dude, it’s freezing out there. I may be tough, but I don’t want to go out there while wet and naked.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and she dragged me and Taya out of the water. She flew over next to us and then used magic to hit us all with some kind of heat. The water oozed out of their fur and just ran down my body until I was completely dry. “There,” she said with a nod, releasing me and Taya.

“You need to teach her that one,” I said, tussling my daughter’s hair.

“I will. Now get dressed and we can head outside.”

“Yes to heading outside, no to getting dressed,” I said. “I’ll just have to take it all off anyway. Just keep me warm.”

“Happily,” Reginald said, grabbing my body with his claws. “Remain still and you shall stay warm.”

Dragon. Right. “Then let’s do it.” Taya’s horn lit up and grabbed all my clothes and we all started to the entrance. “So how did you end up with only one of those chiggers?” I asked. “I thought they came in swarms.”

“I noticed the rest looking for weak points in my scales as soon as this one bit down. I immediately toasted the others. I’ve been trying to get under my scales for a few days without causing too much damage to either me or my claws.”

“And you’ll heal fine under the scales?”

“Yes. My body will fight off any manner of infection and heal from most wounds, given time. Should you ever tire of your own body, I would be happy to welcome you among the dragons, if this spell bears fruit.”

“It will!” Twilight panted from next to us. She was doing her best to keep up.

“But at the moment, I’m happy as I am,” I said. “Swapping around just happens to be useful, occasionally.”

“As you say, Nav,” he grumbled.

Since he was huge, it didn’t take long for us to get into the chilly air outside. Twilight and Taya walked over to an empty area and started quietly talking. A few minutes after they started, in which time I managed to get somewhat comfortably situated in his hand, they called us over.

“If you would set her down, we can cast the spell,” Twilight said. “But as Nav fears, if it fails, she’ll… likely become a lizard. Or some other cold-blooded creature. So please be ready to hold her again. In this temperature, staying out too long while cold-blooded would be bad.”

“You better not turn me into a regular fucking lizard, Twilight,” I said. “I’ll make you regret it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Reginald set his claw on the ground, allowing me to step out of it and onto the cold, hard ground. “Are you ready?”

Flo took over my body and said, “I believe it might be best if I vacate Nav for the transformation. Brook’s fate in Spike is on my mind.”

“That’s not a terrible idea. Twilight, would you mind having extra company?” I asked.

“I guess—”

“I can do it!” Taya said, zooming toward me. She placed her forehead against mine, which once again gave me the uncomfortable feeling of a hard horn pressing against the top of my head.

Flo?

“I would be much more comfortable in Twilight,” Flo said with my mouth. “So if you could carry me to her—”

“I said I can do it!” Taya said, pressing against me harder.

“You can carry her?” I asked. “That’s great. Please drop her off with Twilight.” Flo? She sighed in my mind before ejecting from my nose and seeping into my daughter’s fur, where she remained.

“Now go the rest of the way in,” Taya said, backing off. Nothing happened, of course. “Ugh, why do you have to be so difficult?! Just get in me!”

That’s what she said! I waited for someone to smack me against the back of the head, but it never came. Which is also what she said, for what it’s worth. “Taya, take Flo to Twilight, please.” She sighed in utter disappointment before landing and walking over to her teacher. She poked Twilight’s side and Flo scooted down her hoof and into Twilight’s body.

“Having another one is… weird,” Twilight said, shivering. “Anyway, are you ready now?”

“Yeah. Just be ready to back away, because I have no clue how big I’m going to be.”

“Right. Taya, meld flows with me.”

Their horns both lit up and a weird light show started appearing between them. After several seconds of lights swimming between their horns, they carefully pressed the tips together and an explosion came out. The light bathed over all of us and an orb of purple shot into me.

My eyes widened in surprise as my body immediately seemed to burst into flames. The heat seared into me almost instantly, leaving the pain behind. After that, my hands and legs involuntarily stretched and elongated, changing form and shape as my body molded to the will of magic.

Long story short, after only a little bit of pain, I was turned into an actual dragon. Gravity forced me onto all fours, sending Twilight and my daughter scampering out of the way. As soon as I was settled, Taya flew up to one eye and Twilight took the other. “How do you feel?” she asked.

“I feel…” I slowly breathed in and then released it as steam. “Amazing.” My body was coursing with heat and fire, and it almost made me speechless. I had never felt such raw strength before, such power in my body. I turned my head and spat out a bout of flame. “I am fire.” I extended my claws, tearing into the ground beneath me. “I am steel.” I drew one of those claws against my chest, doing nothing. “I am rock.” I spread my wings, the span of which was easily five times what it had been. “I am flight.” I leaned back and managed to stand on two legs so I could stretch up as high as I could get, which put me at about the level of the average tree around us. To see how it sounded and felt, I roared out as loud as I could before looking down and growling, “I am dragon!”

“An adult dragon, at that,” Reginald said. He walked up closer and started circling me, looking me up and down. “A healthy and beautiful white dragoness of… about eight hundred to a thousand years, I’d say.” He was still much larger than I was, probably about three times as big. “You shall pose as my daughter. Dragon families are not incredibly close, but it will allow me to protect you if necessary.”

“Works for me,” I said, finally easing back down to the ground. “And we won’t have to worry about anyone hitting on me, since it’s not mating season.”

“That means little, but it should not be a pressing concern. Expressing disinterest will be enough.”

“Cool. Should we bring Spike?”

“You may, if you choose. He will have to act as your son, however.”

“Whatever.”

“What about me?” Taya asked. “Twilight could make me a dragon, too!”

“Nope,” Twilight thankfully said. “We were barely able to cast that spell on Nav. I don’t think it’s one I could cast on you by myself, let alone casting the one to turn you both back. I’m afraid this is going to be up to the three of them, unless Nav wants to send someone else in her stead.”

“Which I don’t,” I said. “Way I figure, if I’m gonna be stuck doing all this shit to save the world, I might as well see some cool parts of it that I’m gonna save. So I’ll happily go.”

“Never let me do anything fun…” Taya muttered, kicking at the ground.

“What was that, missy?” I asked, gently poking her side.

“Nothing, mom,” she sighed.

“That’s what I thought,” I said, nodding. “So, you two wanna turn me back now?”

“I’m afraid not quite yet,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “After casting the wing spell and then turning you into a dragon, I need to rest for a few hours. I’ll be able to turn you back before we all turn in tonight, I’m sure. And if not, Celestia can help.”

“Oh. Taya, you wanna do something fun?”

“What’s that, mommy?”

I carefully picked her up. “Let’s go for a flight, dear.”

“Oh. Okay, mommy!”

“Reginald, I’ll want to head to Iceland in about three or four days. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes. It will give me time to prepare my cave for departure. Meet me here when you are ready.”

“Cool. Twilight, can you return Flo to the ship? She’ll be able to meld with her own body until I’m human again.”

“Of course, but I’d like to speak to Reginald more, if he’d be willing.”

“I would,” he said with a nod.

“I’ll be back at the ship within a few hours, Nav,” she said. “Whenever you’re ready to turn back, just let me know. I’ll tell the crew to keep an eye out for you.”

“Alright. Then let’s go, Taya,” I said, spreading my wings again. She held on tight as I shot into the air.

It’s rare that I get to see Taya’s eyes light up like an actual little girl’s. Letting her fly with me high up in the sky put some life in her. It made her laugh and smile like a child, not like a cruel little gremlin. Being stuck as a dragon for several hours was worth it, to see her happy…

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Two—Dawn of the Second Day

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Two—Dawn of the Second Day

After showing my daughter the shining, shimmering, and splendid world, I landed on the mountain Canterlot was attached to. Flying close to the ship risked buffeting it with downdraft and landing in the city itself would probably freak out the guards, so I just stopped near it and let Taya off.

“Go back to the ship and grab Twilight,” I said. “I’ll be here.”

She spread her wings with a grin. “I’ll be back soon, mommy!” With that, she soared off toward the city, leaving me alone on the mountainside.

Of course, that mountainside was still very close to Equestria’s capital city and I was still a fairly sizeable dragon, so it didn’t take very long at all for a full group of fifteen guards to show up. They were a mix of day and night, but mostly day. Several of the younger ones seemed very nervous. A few picked at their heavy cloaks, fighting between staring at me in fear and looking at their officer for guidance.

After a very short standoff, one day guard unicorn with a plumed helmet and a fancier cloak walked forward. “Welcome to Canterlot, lady dragon,” he said. “Is there some way we can be of assistance?”

“There is not, no,” I said. “You have nothing to fear from me. I am merely waiting for a few friends to come assist me.”

Several of the guards started murmuring it up. After letting that go for a few seconds, the lead guard cleared his throat, making them all shut up. “I see. I ask you to understand that your presence here makes us… somewhat nervous.”

“And for that, I apologize. Do you know the name Twilight Sparkle, perhaps?”

“I do, though I don’t know her personally. She is Princess Celestia’s student.”

“Correct. Twilight knows of a spell that allows for shape-shifting. One of the shapes she can turn something into is a dragon. My name is Lady Navarone.” His eyebrows lifted. “I imagine you’ve heard of me, as well.”

“I’ve met you, in fact. If, of course, you are who you say you are. But knowing what I do of Twilight Sparkle and Lady Navarone, I would not be surprised in the slightest. Is that who you’re waiting for now?”

“It is. If you would like to keep me company, you are more than welcome. She should be by shortly.”

“I believe we will stay. Forgive us for the caution,” he said with a small bow.

“There is nothing to forgive. You are doing your job.”

“You know, ever since the war games, I had a feeling the princess would make you a noble.” He turned his head to look at his soldiers. “At ease, fellas. Group up and try to stay warm. With luck, Twilight’ll be here soon.”

With dragon’s blood coursing through my veins, I actually managed to forget that it was the dead of winter. The trees around us remembered, though, not that there were many of them. I reached over and knocked one of the barren trees down, then shot flame onto it. It was wet from snow, but I kept the heat up until it caught anyway. “Join me by the fire,” I said with what I was hoping would be a comforting smile.

Judging by the looks of fear in the eyes of a lot of the guards, I figured it had the opposite effect. That’s when I remembered that all my teeth were huge and sharp and that I just reminded them I could easily cook them. But the captain had more of a backbone and joined me in front of the fire, which convinced his men that I probably wasn’t going to eat them.

One that was apparently a lot more courageous and adventurous than most actually slowly approached me. “I… I’ve never… seen a dragon before,” he quietly said, looking at my glimmering scales in wonder.

“Feel free to get a closer look, if you want,” I said as I stretched out my body. “Friendly dragons are few and far between.”

“That they are,” the captain said. “I met one named Spike a few years back while I was guarding Princess Celestia. And I saw another named Reginald up close when he landed at the palace. Those were the only two I’ve ever seen up close. If you’ve ever wanted to study a dragon and Lady Navarone is willing, now is your chance.”

The one that originally approached slowly got closer and actually poked one of my legs. I didn’t feel a thing under the scales. “So smooth,” he whispered. In response, I lifted the claw and held it palm up for him. He traced one of my fingers before tapping the tip. “If you’re perfectly armored, how could ponies ever fight you?” he asked.

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “Go for the eyes, maybe? And I think dragon stomachs have weaker, more thin scales.”

“They do,” the captain said. “But on adult dragons, the difference doesn’t mean much; they’re still thick enough that getting through them is difficult. Truth be told, I don’t even know the last time ponies had to actually fight a dragon, or how they fought them. My guess would be magic.”

“But dragons are very magically resistant,” I said.

“I’ve heard rumors of that, but I didn’t know they were true,” he said. “Then I don’t know either.”

I snorted steam out of my nose, bathing the closest guards in it and making them shiver. “Maybe I should stay this way, then,” I said.

“I bet it certainly has advantages. But then, having guards show up every time you went to a city would get old.”

“It certainly would.”

After the steam bath and enough time talking, it seemed that more guards were comfortable with approaching me. The captain and I watched with some small amusement as most of his men surrounded me and started poking and prodding various places. They were all smart enough to stay away from anywhere that would get them in trouble, so I had no problem with being an anatomy model.

About thirty minutes after I sent Taya off, she flew back with Twilight in tow. One of the pegasus guards was walking around on my back, but most of the rest had lost interest in poking my very unpliable body and were just standing around the fire and trying to stay warm. The two purple temporary alicorns landed next to the burning tree.

“So what did you do, Nav?” Twilight asked. “Or is there some other reason you’re being attacked by a guard?”

The one on my back finally flew off, blushing. “She did nothing,” the guard captain said. “But dragons are not common and very dangerous, so we decided to make sure she wouldn’t… cause panic.”

“And I didn’t mind having a few big, tough stallions around to keep me safe,” I said, trying to keep as much sarcasm out of my voice as possible. Given that Twilight and Taya both rolled their eyes, I’d say I didn’t do a very good job. “Anyway, can you turn me back?”

“Normally, I’d say no and that we’d need Princess Celestia’s help,” Twilight said. “But then I remembered that I was borrowing this from you for study.” Her horn lit up and the alicorn amulet appeared. “I figured this would be as good a time as any to put it to use. Are you ready?”

I took a moment to look back at myself to make sure there weren’t any more guards on me before looking back at her and nodding. “Let’s do it.”

“Taya, let me see if I can do it alone before you try to help,” Twilight said.

“Why can’t I do it?” she asked.

“Because Twilight’s the element of magic,” I said. “If anyone should use the cursed artifact that greatly increases magical strength at the expense of corruption, it’s her.”

“Correct,” Twilight said as she stepped forward and slid the amulet on. Her horn and eyes lit up red for a moment before a blast of energy hit me. The transformation back to human was much longer and considerably more jarring, but after about half a minute of sustained magic, I was finally back to what I’ve come to call normal.

Of course, that left me on all fours, naked, in the snow. Not to mention surrounded by stallions who immediately began staring as I started shivering.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Twilight said. She sounded very stunned, but thankfully had enough presence of mind to pull the amulet off.

“AVERT YOUR GAZES!” the captain yelled, slamming a hoof in the ground. His guards immediately looked away as he trotted forward, eyes stuck firmly on my face. “My lady,” he said as he proffered a hoof.

“Thank you,” I said, taking it.

He helped me stand and then took his cloak off. He used magic to wrap it around me as best he could. “My pleasure, Lady Navarone. Would you like an escort back to Canterlot?”

“I’m afraid I must decline,” I said. “My feet are not hooves or talons. They’d rip to shreds on the ground. I’ll fly back with Twilight and my daughter, though I’m afraid it means I might have to borrow your cloak for quite some time.”

“That’s quite alright,” he said with a bow. “I’d be happy to tell the quartermaster it went to a lady in need.”

“Then you have my gratitude. I’m happy Canterlot is protected by soldiers like you and your platoon, sir.”

“And I’m happy that we have subjects like yourself to protect, ma’am,” he replied. He saluted for a short moment before turning back to his men. “Alright, lads. Back to patrol.” They had the normal grumbles and groans of cold troops doing something they didn’t want to, but that didn’t stop them from getting back in formation and trotting off.

Twilight and Taya had the decency to wait for them to get out of earshot before laughing at me. I was expecting it from Taya, so I didn’t do anything to her. But I just stared Twilight down until she got it all out of her system. “I don’t know what you’re laughing at, missy. Maybe I should shave you and line this cloak with your fur! I bet you wouldn’t forget my clothes after that!”

Of course, that made her start laughing again. I sighed and crossed my arms. Before I could ask why she was still laughing, her horn lit up and a bag appeared. It floated to me and I snatched it out of the air and opened it. Sure enough, it was full of heavy clothes.

“Oh, you done fucked up now! Taya, hold her down!”

Taya’s horn lit up and apparently caught Twilight by surprise, because Taya immediately forced her into the snow. Twilight’s horn lit up, but I broke her concentration by covering her face in it. She shook her head clear and her horn lit up again, but that’s when I shoved as much snow as I could right against her crotch.

Thankfully, Taya was kind enough to muffle Twilight’s scream of shock and then all the adorable pony curses that followed it. I didn’t really want any of the guards to come running back to see Lady Navarone pelting Celestia’s personal student with snow.

While Twilight was recovering and glaring at me, I finally got dressed. The cloak the guy gave me was pretty ornate and had the crest of the royal guard on it, so I doubted I’d use it for much, but at the moment it was warm and I was still shivering.

Once I was finally ready to go, I turned to a miserable and pissy Twilight and my giggly and happy daughter. “Shall we, girls?”

“Aqua is whispering a lot of very fun-sounding things to me right now,” Twilight replied.

“Come on, Twiley. You don’t have to be so cold to me!” That made Taya snicker, of course.

“Those whispers just took a very dark turn. I think I like it.”

“You really need to chill out, silly!” No one is supposed to enjoy bad puns, but Taya’s snickers turned into giggles.

“I’m not sure some of these ideas are even possible, but I think I might have to find out.”

“There’s snow reason to be upset!” And now my daughter was laughing.

Twilight grimly smiled and nodded once. “I’ve decided. Shall we head back to the ship?”

“Yep.” Taya managed to get herself together enough to join us in the air and together, we all flew back to the ship.

I did not have fun that night. It was worth it.

Once Twilight unchained me the next morning, I took a quick shower. When I got back to my room, I found the resident dragon had taken up residence. “I heard you got to be a dragon!” he said in wonder.

“Yeah.” I had a feeling he was going to make it a thing, so I dropped the towel (making him blush, of course) and started getting dressed.

“How… how was it?” he asked, struggling to keep his eyes off my body.

“It was okay I guess. Do you want to go to Iceland with me and Reginald?”

“DO I?!” he shouted, bouncing up and down in joy.

“I don’t know, do you?”

“Yes!” he exclaimed, rushing forward to hug me. I was still almost completely naked, so I’m glad his scales were softer than mine when I was a dragon. Several long seconds after the hug became uncomfortable, he finally pulled back, though he held onto my arms. “When are we going? How long are we going to be there? What can I bring? What are we gonna do? Is the ship coming too? Can Twi—”

I finally put my hand on his face, thankfully shutting him up. “In two days. I don’t know. Nothing but yourself. We’re scouting for the elementals. The ship is not coming. Apparently the dragons are very isolationist and don’t want anyone there that isn’t a dragon, so Twilight is going to turn me into one before we go.”

He finally dropped his arms, so I let go of his face. “So it’s just gonna be us?”

“Yes. Apparently they’d know if we brought a changeling, so it’ll just be us. We might try to find a way to bring the water elementals with us. If we can, that’ll allow us to just break the fire out without even needing the rest of the ship. As a dragon, I’m a fully grown adult. You’re going to be a lot smaller, so I might need your help with scouting. But if I don’t need you for anything, you’re free to wander around and learn whatever you can about whatever you want. Make friends, talk to dragons, learn more about yourself, whatever. You’re finally going home and I want you to have some time to yourself.”

“But… I don’t want to let you down…”

“Which is why I said if I need you, I’ll let you know. But otherwise, you’re free to do whatever. I suggest you make the most of the time you have.”

“Are you sure?” he slowly asked.

“Yes. Now why were you waiting in my room? Or did you just want to ask me about being a dragon?”

“Oh yeah! Gilda and I got reservations at that meat place tomorrow night.”

“You’re growing very close to her.”

He blushed and looked away. “It’s… it’s not like that…”

“Try to remember that, Spike. Don’t let there be a gap between what you know and what you feel. You know she won’t love you back. So don’t let yourself feel any love for her. At least, not romantic love. She is a straight fuckbuddy.”

“...Right.”

“Don’t pull none of that hesitating bullshit with me, Spike.” His ear things twitched. “Either you know this or you don’t.”

“I know…”

“Look at me, Spike.” He sighed and did so. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him slightly closer. “Repeat after me: You can’t turn a ho into a housewife.”

“What do gardening tools have to do with—” I slapped him across the face. Not very hard, but enough to get his attention. He rubbed his cheek before sighing and saying, “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife…”

“And what is Gilda?”

“A griffin?” I slapped him again. “A ho…”

“I can almost guarantee that she is not interested in love or romance, Spike. She does not want that. She is a very proud griffin noble. If she ever marries, it will probably be to another griffin. But again, I don’t think she’s into that. She is an adventurous warrior, kind of a bitch, hard to get along with at times, and is currently possessed by what might as well be a demon made of fire. You do not want to fall in love with her. So don’t.” I finally let him go. “If you want someone that isn’t a dragon, go for Applejack or Fluttershy.”

“But Fluttershy’s afraid of dragons. And Applejack has to have foals or she’ll let her family down.”

“Fluttershy’s afraid of most dragons, but not you. And that’s what Applebloom is for. Anyway, get out so I can get dressed.”

He sighed and walked around me to the door, but stopped with his claw on the handle. “You told me once that love was never wrong, Nav.”

“I was incorrect.” His shoulders slumped and he left, closing the door behind him.

Shut up, Flo. I waited for a response and that’s when I remembered that she hadn’t put herself back into me yet. That became next on my to-do list, right after getting dressed. It was still cold as balls out and it was a little nipply in the halls even with the magical heating, so I dressed for the weather.

Right after that, I went on up to the deck in search of my elemental. Thankfully, Blaze and Aerie were finally gone, punted out to wherever Celestia keeps horrifying abominations. That meant we were now docked at the palace, which we loomed over. The only elemental up on the deck was Naiad, so I went to the upper deck to check there. That deck had Gourd and Kat, who were both holding letters and talking about them.

I needed to talk to Gourd anyway, so I walked over to them. “Did you guys actually get mail?” I asked.

“We did,” Kat replied. She folded her letter up and carefully placed it into a pouch.

“We just got elevated to high society, Nav,” Gourd said. “And we’re connected directly to you. That is going to have some consequences and some benefits. You are not the only one who nobles are looking to cozy up to now.”

“Oh dude, if you ever get invited to any of those fancy parties, try the food. Shit’s amazing. Also, don’t go alone, because I tend to get in trouble when I do.”

“Noted,” he said with a nod.

“But mine was a marriage proposal anyway,” Kat said, shrugging.

“Cool. You gonna do it?”

“I am not, no. I think Watcher might be capitalizing on one of the letters he got, though.”

“...A marriage proposal?” I asked.

“An invitation to teach,” Gourd said. “He let me know where he would be in case something happened. After what you did at the mage tower here, a lot of the very powerful unicorns are interested in you. They sent a letter to Watcher asking if he would speak as a guest in a few classes. According to him, they’re going to use this chance to learn more about you. He brought Zecora as well, so she could do some research.”

“Well shit, they could just ask me. But whatever. I found out yesterday that getting into Iceland is going to be harder than we thought. I’m going to go with Reginald and Spike. The ship will stay here, along with everyone else.”

“I would like permission to go as well,” Kat said. One of her hands found its way to a dagger. “I can be very stealthy, even among the most powerful of predators.”

I shook my head. “We’re playing this one the dragon way, Kat. Gourd, there’s no reason for the ship to be idle in my absence. When I leave, get with Silver and start mapping out trade routes. Go for a few test runs. I don’t know how long I’ll be, but I imagine you’ll have time to cross the country and get back at least once. Take only who you’ll need and let the rest have some time off.”

“You got it, my lady,” he said. Thankfully he just nodded instead of bowing.

“Bring Watcher and any troops of his who know about demons. I want them researching what we can expect to find in Tartarus in every city you guys pass through. Celestia did her best to make that knowledge hard to find, but there’s always scraps she missed. Find them. I want to go into this knowing as much as we can.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.”

“What about me?” Kat asked.

“Let’s see… At the moment, play the social game in Canterlot. Take my room in the palace if you need a place to stay. I asked Fleur to do some stuff. She and Celestia think it’s going well, but I want to know how accurate they are. I have a meeting with Fleur today. I’ll speak to her about you and some of your skills and let her know to speak to you if any nobles are giving her trouble. I don’t want you to kill anyone, but I want them to think very seriously before standing in the way.”

“Should I bring Spider?”

“Yes. Do you know anything about the Miss Equestria contest?”

“Never heard of it.”

“It’s a beauty pageant where they get ponies from all over the world to compete to see who’s the prettiest or whatever. One of the things I spoke to Fleur about was doing one for all the races. I figure it’s only fair to warn you about that before you start working with her. She might very well try to get you to be a contestant.”

Her eyes very slowly opened wider and she actually grinned. “I would love to!”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes!”

“Oh. Then yeah, feel free to speak to her about that as well. If she mentions anything about making me compete, shut her down immediately.”

“Alright. When do you want me to start doing all of this?”

“After I leave. I want what you’re doing to look like something I didn’t order. Fleur is my ally in Canterlot and I doubt it’ll trick anyone, but all the same.”

“As you command, my lady. It’s a good thing I had Rarity make me some dresses. What’s strange is that she also made one for Spider.”

“...She made him a dress?”

“Yes. And adorable pink stockings for all eight legs. I never thought I’d say it, but she made him look cute.”

“That woman has serious mental issues. Anyway, do either of you know where Flo is?”

“I can assist with that,” Naiad said. We all turned to look at her, since apparently she decided to sneak up on me. “I asked her to do something for me today. Would you care to come with me?”

“How far away is she?” I asked. “I need to meet Fleur at noon.”

“You will not be late, though we will be going off the ship.”

“Alright, whatevs. Where we going?”

“Into the palace. This should not take long.”

“Lead the way, Naiad.” Kat and Gourd both actually bowed as I left, which I thought was kinda weird and annoying.

The two royal guards standing at the entrance to the palace also bowed, and one asked, “Do you need a guide anywhere, Lady Navarone?”

“She does not,” Naiad said.

“Though I thank you for the offer,” I quickly added, trying to be somewhat more polite. They continued bowing until we were both inside. “So what did you ask Flo to do?”

“I will get to that,” she said. Despite being made of water and thus having an amorphous shape, she created arms and placed them behind her back. “Do you trust us, Navarone?”

“Us who?”

She looked at me for a moment before looking back ahead and smiling slightly. “My sisters and I.”

“No.”

Her shade went a little bit more blue. “Not even Flo?”

“There are those of you that I trust more than others.”

“Do you trust her wholly and totally, Navarone?”

“There are times I have my doubts about her. It’s difficult for me to trust anyone that old. Some of what she has done and said has not helped.”

“Would you mind telling me what some of those things were?”

Silence hit the hall for a few moments, aside from my soft footsteps. Finally, I asked, “Why?”

“You are intelligent, Navarone. Why do you think I am asking you these questions?”

“I think you want to replace Flo.”

“That is close. If, after this conversation, I believe you and Flo are properly compatible, I will drop this line of inquiry and insist that my sisters do the same. But if I believe you would be better served by another one of my sisters, or even myself, I would like you to consider it.”

I stopped in place. “Flo isn’t in the palace, is she?”

She stopped as well and turned to me. “No, she is not. But then, I never said she was. Would you continue to walk with me, Navarone?” I have a feeling this shit is going to keep happening. I might as well go ahead and get it all out of the way. I continued walking with her. “There are several water elementals that had many varied lives before the war, Navarone. Flo was a young, secluded sister who lived in the middle of this landmass. Brook was one of the rulers of all of us since she was originally created. Mist and I were like gods to huge numbers of subjects. Rain and Raine were similar. And of course, all of us knew humans personally.”

“And after the war, you and Mist were queens and Brook acted like a goddess. Do I really need a history lesson?”

She smiled warmly and placed a cool hand on my head. “Patience, Navarone. I’m giving what I am about to say context.” Thankfully, she pulled her hand back before I could threaten to smack it away. “Flo was what you might call an… ascetic, of sorts. The war just made her even more of an isolationist, especially after she was hurt and I saved her. She was not a lady of the courts. She was not… experienced, so to say, with many things other sisters are.”

“You’re saying that she’s a country bumpkin water elemental and that you would be better for me because you can tell me how to act in a fancy situation.”

“I am saying that, in the game of thrones, it is always a wise idea to have experience on your side. And as the leader of the forces arraying themselves against Chaos, it might be best if the sister guiding you was wiser. Flo is very knowledgeable after her time in your laptop, but knowing how to apply that knowledge is invaluable.”

“Everyone’s just trying to muck through life however they can, Naiad. If your only argument against Flo is that she isn’t fancy or enough of a leader, I think we’re done here. You’re gonna need bigger guns than that.”

Her color fluctuated for a moment before she eased back to blue. “There is much one such as I can tell about who you are and were, Navarone. Behaviors are very easy to read and oftentimes, they’re easy to trace. Despite surrounding yourself with people, you still prefer your own company. You’re terrified of how close your daughter is. You’re afraid of relationships. You are very wary of being hurt. All of those things combined with several more intricate details tells me that you were very likely neglected or abused as a child. I would say neglected, but Brook is thinking abused. I don’t mean to be rude, but would you mind confirming or denying either?”

“My parents were very… absent.”

She sighed and ran a hand through my hair for a moment. “Then you do not know what a truly loving mother is like. And on the flipside of that, you are not aware of what more direct abuse is like. Would you agree with those statements?”

This is starting to get a lot more personal than I’d like. “The love thing, sure. Direct abuse, a little bit less sure. There were bits of that tossed into the neglect.”

“Hm. And tell me, did you ever feel that the love of your parents was conditional? That they might stop loving you at some point if you ever acted a certain way?”

“Naiad, where are you going with this? It’s all shit that I’d much rather stay in the past.”

She paused for a moment, then gripped my shoulder and forced me to face her. “Your relationship with Flo is a very textbook case of abuse, Navarone.”

We stared at each other for some time before I quietly asked, “Did you have a follow-up for that?”

“I was expecting either a rebuttal or a denial.” She released my shoulder and we continued forward.

“I’m gonna go with a denial,” I said.

Her smile took on a very sad note. “She hurts you, she lies to you, she molests you, she lets you be hurt, she doesn’t let you make your own choices, she’s overly controlling, she uses horrible methods of persuasion, she does things to your mind without permission, and she tries to hide it all. Ask Twilight Sparkle or Sunshine Smiles how many times their elemental has laid a harmful hand on them. Aqua and Ice have never and will never harm their hosts. Each elemental has a different way of showing their love, but I’m afraid that Flo has become abusive toward you.”

“I thought elementals changed into what their hosts needed.”

“No, Nav, and you already know better than that. Flo took what she could get, which meant lying to you. She knew that the only way you would accept her is if she did not tell you the whole truth. Your relationship with Flo started as a lie, Navarone. Ideally, you would get to know an elemental before you allow yourself to be taken as a host. I heard your conversation with Fluttershy and heard about your conversation with Rainbow Dash. As you said, picking an elemental is like picking a spouse, in some ways. It must be someone with whom you are comfortable. Can you deny my claims, Navarone?”

“...No.” Try as I might to think a way around them, I really couldn’t. “But is that really all so bad?”

“Yes, Navarone. It absolutely is bad. What I see in your face when you deal with Flo is resignation more often than love. You believe that you have a responsibility to her since you freed her. You believe that you should stay with her for her benefit, not your own. You enjoy the perks of having a water elemental in you, but I believe you could come to prefer one that isn’t Flo. You want to avoid the conflict that would come from denying her.”

“Sounds like you have me nailed to the wall, Naiad.”

She softly sighed and ran her hand through my hair again. This time, she didn’t stop and continued playing with it as we walked. I didn’t say anything. “I want you to be happy, Nav. Not just as the last human, but as a host of an elemental. When one of us abuses a host, all others grow wary of trusting us. Your reaction when Brook woke you one morning attests to that. I don’t want you to think I’m forcing anything on you. I don’t think Flo will ever do anything completely unforgivable, but I believe she might need some time away from a host, to rethink things. And I believe that you would be better served by having a different sister in you. As you said yourself, you gave up much for her. Do you think it’s so unfair to ask her to give you up because of it? She is free, now. You are under no more obligation to her.”

I did not reply for some time. Her hand in my hair felt very calming. After a few seconds of thought, I found myself wondering if she was pushing water through my scalp to influence my brain, but I honestly doubted it. All of what she said were things that had been in the back of my mind for a while. Did I really care for Flo, or did I just want her to be happy? Did I think the slaps and orgasmic punishments were cute, or did I think they were abusive and unnecessary? I told her that I loved her. Did I mean it? How could I really know?

“What do you think I should do, Naiad?”

Her hand moved from my hair to my shoulder again. “I believe you should take some time away from an elemental, Nav. Clear your head. You are going to be a dragon soon anyway, and we won’t be safe inside of you. While you are a dragon, think. If you find yourself anticipating or expecting abuse or cruel remarks, remember that such things are a sign of abuse. If, after all that time, you find yourself missing Flo, then perhaps she is right for you and we misread the signs. All relationships are different. Some can be difficult to understand from the outside looking in. But I worry for you and I worry for her. So if you find yourself feeling alone but you realize that Flo isn’t right for you, speak to me again. I or any sister you choose will be happy to act as a mediator between you and Flo, to either discuss separation or discuss how she can change to suit you better. And if you find that you prefer your own company, perhaps you might be better served without an elemental for some time. Being a host is not for everyone, and this isn’t a fate you freely chose.”

“...How should I tell her that I want to be alone for the next few days?”

“You don’t have to. I am the last water left aboard the ship. I sent the others away last night, to meet with our sisters near Iceland. After this talk, I will be joining them.”

“And Flo just agreed to that?”

“It took convincing, but she did agree to it. Mist and Brook will likely be having a similar conversation with her soon, if they haven’t already.”

“I have a feeling that isn’t going to go over well.”

“Jealousy and rage are more signs, Navarone.”

Don’t I know it… “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“I have one more thing to say.” Apparently she knew her way around the palace a lot better than I did, because we managed to walk in a big loop without running into anyone else. We were coming back up to the skydock now. “The next time you see Flo, look at her. Look very closely. Her default color is no longer pure blue.”

“...And what does that mean, exactly?”

“It means that the dear sister Flo I rescued once upon a time has changed. Flumen is similar. Both spent more time in the ground than any water elemental ever should, and it affected both of them. I want you and Flo to both be happy, Nav. But I’m afraid that asking one broken person to fix another will provide undesirable results. So very often it just results in more pain. So please think about that as well; it is not just for your sake that I come to you.”

“I’ll… see you in a few days, Naiad.”

She stopped me and hugged me. “Go in peace, Navarone,” she whispered. Once that was said, she released me and sped back into the palace, presumably toward the ocean.

It was very tempting to call her an easily manipulated stupid bitch, but… some of what she said rang true to me. That said, I had other shit to do and I had to put it to the back of my mind, but I would definitely be thinking about it and talking to a few others about it.

My next destination was back on the ship, so I walked back over to it. The guards saluted this time instead of bowing, but I paid them no mind and went into the innards of the ship. It was much noisier than it had been, presumably the sound of everyone packing their shit to get off the ship. A few guards and crew members were walking around, adding to the mess.

The mare I was looking for was locked away in her room again. I politely knocked and waited for her to open it with magic. “Ah, Nav. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Rarity asked with what was probably a real smile.

“I’m about to give you what might be a very unique opportunity, Rarity. Do you think you’re up to it?”

“If you’re going to give it to me, I imagine it is a unique opportunity that I am uniquely qualified to handle, so yes. I won’t let you down! Please, come in so we can discuss it.” She stepped back, letting me in. Her magic closed the door behind me. “So do you need another dress, perhaps?”

“I have an informal lunch date with Fleur at noon. I’m expecting it to end with some very lewd acts. Please make me pretty.”

Her face seemed to fall for about fifteen full seconds. It was a little bit awkward. Before I could ask if she was having a stroke, a massive grin split her face and her horn lit up incredibly brightly.

Waterproof mascara, flavored and smudge-proof lipstick, light blush, fast drying finger- and toe-nail polish, and she finished it with a hint of perfume.

“You are a much better sport about this than I thought you’d be, Nav,” she very happily said as I looked at myself in her mirror.

“I asked you to do this, Rarity. I’m not going to complain about you taking time to help me when I want help. As a matter of fact, you did an excellent job. Thank you.”

That got a smile and a small blush from her. “I’m delighted to help, Nav. Seeing you happy with who you are is amazing. For a time, I was genuinely concerned about your mental well-being. But seeing you so… accepting and even happy about this puts my mind at ease.”

“If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it. I think I needed this, Rarity.” Both of her eyebrows shot up. “Back in the bunker, you were right for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t sexual for me, not in the slightest. I never felt like I was the wrong gender and I never really thought that I was gay or into cross-dressing… but I think I needed to become a girl for a while. When I come from, the gender divide was… very strict. Men were taught not to show emotions, to hide what they thought and how they felt. It was expected that I stay calm all the time. But people can’t do that.”

“Certainly not. Everyone has emotions and showing them is healthy, Nav. Did becoming a mare finally show you that it was okay?”

“Exactly that. Women are supposed to be emotional, men are supposed to be logical. That was drilled into me over and over, but back then, I still felt things. I guess I always assumed that if I ever found myself on the other side, the emotions would be so much stronger that I couldn’t hide them.”

She shook her head sadly and hugged me from behind. “You never could, Nav. We saw the sorrow in your eyes, heard the repressed anger in your voice. But we never knew why you were so keen to hide how you felt.”

“Now you do. When I finally found myself stuck as a woman, I felt… the exact same. I had the same logical thoughts and the same emotional feelings. I mean, sure, during my period the emotional side gets weirder, but my biology stops it from being incredibly overwhelming. But I’m finally realizing that hiding who I am and how I feel is dumb. I can’t have friends if no one really knows me, and no one can ever really know me if I don’t wear my feelings on my sleeve.”

“Because those feelings are a part of you, Nav. They’re the part of you we’ve been waiting to get to know for so long. And I must say, I’m very happy that I’m starting to learn who you really are.”

“Good. I’d hate to lose my irresistible charm. Even though I’m changing who I am, I'm afraid of losing all of who I was.” I sighed and brushed my fingers against the mirror. “So little is left, these days…”

She snuggled closer against me and smiled. “I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but being happy with who you are is more important than anything. You always had a massive streak of darkness in you, Nav. Or at least, you have for as long as I’ve known you. And you still do, but you’re finally beginning to brighten. Don’t let yourself think that’s a bad thing.”

“It’s just… all that I really have left. As far as I know, I’m the last remaining human, and I’ve changed so much that I don’t even know if that fits anymore. I feel like I’ve lost myself. It may be for the better, but… it felt like all I had left.”

She spun my chair around and put her hooves on my legs so she could stare at me, face to face. “It may have been all you had left of your old life, but now you have an amazing new one. Do you know why I don’t want an elemental in my head, Nav? The real reason?”

“No, I don’t believe I do.”

“I want to keep changing, Navarone. I want to evolve as I live. I never want to grow stale. New beliefs, new ideas, new lifestyles, new fashions. Change is good. Learn from your past, but let it stay in the past. Learn to accept and revel in new things, especially when they’re better. Were you happier then or now, Nav?”

“...Probably now, all things told. Loving daughter, noble title, loyal crew, good friends, relationship prospects out the ass, healthy sex life, healthy life in general, I get to see plenty of new things, and I’ll never have to work an unwanted day in my life.”

“Then let the last vestiges of who you were die out, Nav. You were granted a unique opportunity to let yourself be whoever you wanted to be. It may sound crude or even cruel, but your old life is gone, along with your family and everyone you knew. You can be whoever you want. So why would you choose to be someone who’s unhappy? I’ve wondered that about you for so long, but I was always too afraid to ask.”

“I… never really thought of it that way, honestly. I guess it just took that a long time to really sink in for me. My family isn’t here. They can’t judge me anymore. I can be who I want. I can be what I feel is right, or what makes me happy.”

“So who do you want to be, Nav?”

“I honestly don’t know.” Her smile grew somewhat wan. “I’ve spent so long being unhappy that it’s going to take me a while to figure out what does it. But I’m old enough now to know that I have nothing to prove to anyone and that being happy is more important than trying to maintain whatever image I thought I had, especially now that I’ve been forced to change so much anyway. If that makes any sense.”

“We all try to cultivate an image. I also never really understood why you seemed to want to be feared or stay aloof from the rest of us. But I do hope you’ll stop. It’s hard to be friends with a person like that.”

“We’ll see, I guess. I’m not quite done with my new path to self-discovery, or whatever you want to call it. I hope I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror some day soon and not feel a pang of sorrow. I hope I’ll continue striving for happiness.” Even if that sounds like the gayest shit ever. “But for now, I have a date soon.”

She leaned forward and gently nuzzled me for a moment before finally backing off and returning to the floor. “Do you have any idea what kind of outfit you’d like to wear?”

“I know it’s cold out, so definitely something that’ll block the weather. A fairly heavy and long jacket. Under that, probably a short sun dress with long leggings.”

“That sounds very cute, Nav. I’m glad you and Fleur became friends… or perhaps more. Do you have everything you need, or do you need me to work my magic?”

“You’re good, but noon is getting pretty close. Thankfully, I have everything I need.”

“Never underestimate my ability to help a friend, Nav. Especially if it might turn an informal date into a much more formal one at a later time.”

“I might consider that when this journey is done, but not until then. For now, I just want a good time with some good company.”

“I would love to hear every detail.”

“Even the icky, juicy ones?”

“...I would love to hear every detail minus the icky, gooey ones.” A look of distaste came on her face for a moment before she shivered. “Ugh, ew. I’m sure you’ll enjoy, but I just can’t…” She shivered again and shook her head. “No thank you. But minus those parts of the relationship, you and Fleur would be an absolutely stunning couple. You’re both so beautiful and striking. And from what I’ve heard of her these days, clever and intelligent. You two would run Canterlot and look wonderful doing it.”

“I bet…” I slapped my hands against my knees before standing. “Thank you for all of this, Rarity.”

“I am delighted to help, Nav. If you ever need my assistance again, my door will always be open to you. But you’ll probably have to look in Ponyville for a few days, because I plan on returning home soon.”

“Then I’ll see you later.”

She bowed and waved a hoof to the door, which she had thoughtfully closed so we wouldn’t be interrupted. I let myself out and went back down to my room, where I immediately started getting dressed for the coming pseudo-date.

Right as I finished, someone short knocked. I found myself humming as I spun to open it. My daughter was standing at the other side. A very strange look came over her face when she saw me. “Um. Mommy, what are you doing?”

“Going on a date.” She blinked. “What are you doing, honey?”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m about to go on a date, silly. On purpose this time, too!”

“...With who?”

“Fleur. It’s nothing big, just lunch at her house, but I thought I’d doll myself up to see everyone’s reactions. So far, it was worth it just to see that adorably confused look on your face.” Namely, very vacant eyes and a mouth that looked like it was about to drop. “You’re just in time to say bye; I’m almost late!” I leaned down and picked her up under her forelegs so I could hug her. “I’ll see you when I get back, Taya.” I set her down and kissed her on the cheek before waltzing out.

She was too stunned to reply.

Thankfully, Watcher wasn’t back and none of my pegasus guards were on the deck, so I was able to hop off and fly away without any company.

Or so I thought. Right after I stabilized, I was joined by Rainbow Dash and Gilda. “Whoa, Nav! Looking good!” Dash said. She took a moment to fly ahead of me so she could get a better look. “Looking real good! You going to see the princess?”

“No, I have another date today. If you ask nicely, I’ll tell you all about it later.”

“Oh, you’re so on. Looking like that, I know you’re planning on having some fun. I wish I could find a cute marefriend like you.”

“There are plenty in Ponyville, you know.”

“Yeah. I’m actually about to head back. Want me to carry any messages?”

“Tell Vinyl I said hi. And if you don’t mind, check in on Lyra and Bon Bon and see if they’re having any problems with the house. I won’t have time to stop by Ponyville this trip, but I might head there when I get back from Iceland.”

“And you totally gotta let me see you as a dragon, too. Twilight made you sound so hot!”

“She’s always hot,” Gilda said with a smirk, carefully bumping into me.

“And being a dragon gives me even more heat. But yeah, I’ll probably be leaving in two more days. You’re both welcome to join me at Reginald’s cave in the Everfree for the transformation. You might see me and Twilight flying there.”

“She actually asked me to go with her,” Gilda said. “She needs more subjects.”

“More… Oh! You bring her bodies!”

“Yep. I found all those little critters she experimented on.”

“Which is weird and creepy,” Rainbow Dash said, falling back from her position in front of me over to my side. “Is your date here in town, Nav?”

“Yep. Not too far from the palace, either. I’ll be there in just a minute.”

“Then we’ll get out of your mane. Race you to Ponyville!” They both booked it, leaving me in the metaphorical dust. I smiled and shook my head, continuing on my way.

It was another typical sunny day in Canterlot, despite the deep chill, so I landed at Fleur’s house looking just about the same as I did when I took off. I don’t think it was quite noon yet, but I had no idea what there was to do around her pad, so I just sucked it up and resigned myself to being early. With that thought, I knocked.

“Just a moment!” Fleur sang out from inside. Her voice was fairly loud, so she was either close to the door or was using some kind of magic to amplify it. I wasn’t in any kind of hurry, so I wasn’t really concerned either way.

That said, it was pretty fucking cold out, so I’m glad she didn’t keep me waiting for too long. The door handle lit up with magic and she swung it open. She was already wearing a smile (and a very cute apron), but when she saw me, her entire face seemed to light up. “Nav, you made it! And you look gorgeous!”

“Why thank you, Fleur. I wanted to see what my daughter thought of me all dolled up and I figured you would appreciate it too, so here I am.”

“I definitely do. Please, come in!” She backed up and opened the door further, allowing me entry. The warmth and smell of fresh cake emanating from within did more than enough to beckon me in. “I’m afraid it’s just the two of us today. I never did get around to finding any new servants.”

“I’m quite alright with that. I didn’t realize you could cook so well, though.”

She casually waved a hoof. “I can bake and do a few basic meals, but I’m afraid you won’t find anything too fancy here. Most rich Canterlot noblemares never learn more than standard baking.”

“Cooking’s a good skill to have. I can feed myself, but I’m definitely no chef.”

As she led the way further in, I got to see more of her house. She had several of Flo’s paintings on the walls, along with more pieces of pony art. I stopped at one of the pieces, some abstract thing.

“I never got why ponies do this,” I said. She stopped and turned to look at the painting. “Or people in general, really. Why can’t you just draw something with meaning?”

She stepped closer to look at the painting. “Hm. I know this artist, actually. He is a fairly recent one. I spoke to him in person and traded one painting for another. Do you know what he wanted, Navarone?”

“Painting-wise? No. What would interest someone like that? They can’t be trying to imitate it.”

“It was one of your original paintings, Nav. One of the very first you drew, that I personally requested Fancy Pants to give to me. He told me that he got into painting because of your work.”

“Did he want to one-up the guy painting old-timey art with his newfangled style?”

Fleur smiled and carefully booped me on the nose. “No, silly. He wanted to imitate you in his own way. He doesn’t paint to sell his art, he paints for the experience of imitating what he sees as the great and putting his own creative twist on it. But he hates your newer work, the paintings your elemental is making. The “Flo originals,” as I call them. He says there’s nothing in them. No soul, no element of something human or equine. But the old paintings that you drew by paw were perfect.”

“Well… She is a machine. It’s not like she actually is one of us. She imitates it well, but she isn’t really… conscious. Just programming that knows how to react and change based on random preset events. None of them really have true creativity or real feelings.”

“What does she think about that? I imagine she has something to say about what you’re thinking.”

“She’s not in me right now. She had to leave me to go to Iceland.”

Fleur sighed and started walking back to the kitchen. “How you live with something like that is beyond me. She sounds obsessive and controlling. Although…” She looked back at me and then to my chest. “She won’t remember this, will she?” she sorrowfully asked.

“...I’m not sure that’s going to be a problem.”

“Well. I do not mean to tell you how to live your life, Nav. But I decided when I met you that I no longer wanted to put up with that kind of behavior directed toward myself. I was Fancy’s whore. To my shame, I learned to enjoy it.” Her head hung and she slowed down. “As you said once, it’s hard to recover from a bad reputation.”

I caught up and placed a hand on her head. “This time, you have me and the princess on your side.”

That perked her right back up and put a smile on her face. “And you’d be surprised how much Queen Chrysalis has helped me!” She started trotting. Her house was very long but not very deep, part of the random allure of Captain Blossom’s side of town. When she finally got to the end of the hallway and turned left, I followed her into what was apparently the kitchen.

There’s no way this bitch didn’t expect that I was coming. The place was straight up spotless and she timed the oven perfectly, as it binged as soon as we walked in.

I wonder if I made a mistake when I agreed to meet her for a lunch date. “Good timing, huh?”

She chuckled and hopped forward to open the oven. I moved over to try to help, but there were no oven mittens. She magicked it to the table. “I hope pegasus food cake is alright,” she happily said. Oh my god, she is the perfect wife. “And I couldn’t find any meat at the market, but I did do my best to avoid grass and flowers.”

“Now I’m ashamed all I have at the moment is a shipboard kitchen. I’m gonna have to give you so many belly rubs to make up for it.”

“That would be acceptable,” she giggled.

“Do you think you could enjoy it enough that Blossom would let me rub her belly?”

“Oh, absolutely. She’s much happier and feels more free now. If you want to stay until night, I invited her over when she awakens. She won’t stay long, but she’ll be happy to see you.”

“I’m sure we can find some way to pass the time.”

“Indeed we can. Warm-ups for the show, perhaps.”

“Then let’s dig in,” I said with a smile.

She lied about her cooking abilities. She was an excellent cook. I started to feel like a rabbit with a noose around its leg. I took a second to remember that she was very, very good at seduction in high society.

“As nice as this is,” I said while we were both pausing for a moment, “I’m honestly looking forward to getting back to my journey. Coming down from a life of adventuring is hard, and coming back for these short periods so I can get a glimpse of normal life is tiring. I want this whole thing behind me, you know?”

“It can be tiring on other people as well, Nav. When you’re in town, I feel like I have so little time to spend with you that I have to cancel everything to accommodate you. You’re worth it to me and I’m happy to do it, but it can seriously slow things down with my new activities. It just so happens, you so very often send me in wonderful new directions every time you return. I like working to your tune. It makes me feel right, like I’m guided by the right person now.”

“A soul so inclined to hold onto something makes it more likely to find something better and move on. I’m happy to be your guide, but I think we both know it might not be permanent.”

“...Perhaps. But I think we both know there’s a chance that it might.”

There was, in fact, a growing chance that was the case. “It very well might. The future is a wild thing.”

“And so are you, my lucky chaotic friend.”

We went back to eating, but that gave me something new to think about. I had considered it in the past and decided against it, but Fleur would be a perfect wife if I wanted to build the Everfree into a city. I just couldn’t decide if I wanted to build it with Celestia to help her power or build it myself to unbalance her.

But I knew that either way, Fleur would be happy to help me.

She definitely had that cake done before I got there, because it was already iced with a thin film of lemon icing. That bitch was one hundred percent after the V.

She was one hundred percent going to get it. I was so wet right then that it honestly scared me.

“So I’ve been thinking about the contestants for Miss Solar," she said. "There are so many races to speak to, some with larger populations and some with… much smaller.”

“Have you come to a conclusion?”

“Do you think you could possibly… maybe… convince Kat to be one?”

The sudden relief I felt was ridiculous and I don’t know why. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem. But to prove to you what she’s capable of so it won’t be challenged, I want to let you borrow her while I’m gone. She has talents such that… how shall I say it nicely… She was a slave assassin thug. Very graceful, very good at talking and convincing, very quiet when she needs to be like a proper lady. I imagine she’ll have no trouble at all convincing all the judges that she’s the perfect kind of lady they want.”

“I merely wanted her before, Nav. But now I need her! Can you send her to me tomorrow?”

“No can do, I’m afraid. Previous engagement for me. You’ll get her the day I leave.”

“So be it.”

“What about Gilda, one of the elementals, or Zecora?”

“Princess Gilda has already agreed. The elementals aren’t life-like enough to take a place in a talent show. They don’t have to practice and all that. I did politely approach Zecora the last time she was here and she declined, but gave me the name of another. And before you ask, I am not interested in Doppel being our changeling contestant. I haven’t decided who yet, but I have a few good candidates.” Figured.

“I’m glad you know what you’re about, Fleur.”

She leaned in forward and her eyes narrowed all sexy-like. She grinned and quietly said, “And I have you to thank for it, Nav.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how grateful are you?”

She slowly shook her head and whispered, “Say the word and I’ll prove it to you.”

God damn it, she’s going to make me ask for it.

I grinned and sultrily whispered, “Bird.”

She leaned back and blinked. Her head tilted a little, then she chuckled. That turned into a deep laugh. It made her stand and then I felt magic grabbing me. She began carrying me into the other room, where there was a bed.

She tossed me onto it and I hit it with a loud pomf, because she likes that shit super soft. “W-what are we gonna do on the bed, Fleur?”

She laughed for about another minute before putting her serious face on. “If you keep doing that, I can’t ravish you.”

“Oh, now you’re the one wanting it!”

She leaned forward and kissed me for a moment before pulling back. “Tell me no,” she whispered.

“Yes, let’s do it.”

She pecked my nose with a kiss before pulling back and hopping off the bed. I had a good feeling, so I started pulling off clothes. “I told you once that I know every way of how to please a stallion. You remarked that I had done them all a lot. You were correct. And what I learned from those encounters was how to please myself. And I’m only a mare. So I think you might regret not giving me a chance before. I would be oh-so-happy to hear you say it before you leave.”

“That’s a very low chance,” I happily said.

She finally plopped back into view, dragon strap-on ready to go. There was a massive grin on her face. “Then I’ll have to try my hardest!”

[Guess what, motherfuckers? Sex is ahead. ctrl+f "Sex is over" if you're afraid of hot mare on humaness action.]

I was already out of my clothes, because I’m a super easy slut who knows what she wants. My body was ready and all that. She leaned in and slowly looked me over, still smiling.

“I’ve wanted to see you for a very long time, Nav. I want to take a moment to soak it in, but there are other things I’ve waited just as long for. This night is for your pleasure, Navarone. Will you grant me that?”

Alright, this is either going to be a good night or a really horrible night. Either way, it’ll be an awesome story to tell. “Happily, Fleur. I appreciate this.”

“Then I owe you nothing and you owe me nothing.” Her furry body moved in and she lied on top of me. The toy wasn’t lubed or anything, so it pressed tightly and comfortably against me, her lovely fur on top. She kissed me slowly, letting her tongue explore my mouth at her own pace. After about a minute of kissing me, she pulled back and took in my scent with a slow inhale. “You smell divine. Lavender?”

“With a hint of mint. Suggestion from a friend.”

“Your friend is wise.” She kissed me for just a second before pulling down, kissing and gently suckling as she went. My cheek, for a moment, then all down my neck, making my heart flutter, then to my chest and finally my breasts. She tenderly suckled on one of my nipples, making my breath catch and then force out a moan.

She slowly teased it, prodding it and sucking and feeling amazing. I was already wet, but Fleur knew sensual spots. She knew a woman’s body. There’s no telling what she could do to me that I had no knowledge of. She kissed her way further until she was right above my thigh, pressed against my lower stomach. She carefully prodded a hoof into my right side and started sucking the other side. Twilight had done something similar to me before, but not with Fleur’s wise intensity.

Somehow, some way, she made me moan from a hickey on my stomach. “Have you ever felt this way before, Nav?” she asked.

“N-no.”

“You have inexperienced partners. I know male and female bodies.” The amount of pride in her voice felt both comforting and worrying.

She continued proving her skill. Once she got below my metaphorical belt, she sucked on my pubic area. It was cleanshaven because my body is a mix-mash of invisible scar wounds, so she had a perfect shot. One hoof went to my right thigh and started slowly massaging it, being super gentle for a hoof.

“F-Fleur?”

“Close your eyes Nav. Explore. Feel.”

If I’m going to be trapped as a female, I’m going to be fucking satisfied. I closed my eyes and let Fleur act on me. Would I let Flo do this to me with no reservations?

That was neither here nor where she was moving her mouth to next. She slowly licked down my pubic area to my clit before just suddenly stopping. I moaned and my legs twitched invitingly, but her mouth moved to my left thigh and began kissing that. My body was so wet that it was leaking onto her muzzle, but she ignored it and slowly licked at my inner thigh. I started whimpering as she got to thirty licks and groaned when she hit fifty. Finally, she stopped for a moment and very gently bit down.

I squirted all over her face. My back arched, my toes curled, and I moaned loud enough that I realized why she didn’t have a maid yet. As soon as I started cumming, she went back to licking the thigh, holding my lower body in place with her hoof and magic. She forced me to ride that orgasm for at least a minute before backing away and letting us both catch our breaths.

“This is going much better than I expected,” she panted, the juices matting her facial fur dripping down onto the bed. Her horn lit up and a pitcher of water I was too busy to see floated over. She also brought a very fine drinking glass with an out of place straw. “Drink, Nav.” She poured water into it.

If she was going to make me squirt like that, I needed that water. When she floated it in, I happily drank it down. “So what does that mean?” I quietly asked.

“That our bodies are similar enough.” The water flew back over to its place on the only nightstand, and then she leaned in for a much more carnal kiss.

She was very tender with my lovely lady lips. I was absolutely not as sensitive as a pony there, which she quickly found out when I only whimpered and didn’t moan.

In response, she moved her attentions back to my engorged and very ready clit. She took it in her mouth and ran her tongue around it before suckling. She repeated that while her hoof continued to massage my thigh.

When I finally moaned, she moved lower, into my sweetest of holes, though unwanted it may be. Her tongue cautiously entered me, trying to decipher my taste like a professional chef. After several joyous slow, careful laps to see if she liked it, she finally began exploring in earnest. My body moaned with pleasure as she poked and prodded everywhere she could get her impressive horse tongue.

Finally, she began narrowing her search down, wonderfully pinpointing just the spot that I liked the most. She finally found the right one and made me gasp for breath as she slowly teased its length. She continued past it until she found herself out of me. She smiled darkly with her tongue still out and stood enough to kiss me deeply. I wasn’t expecting it, but I moaned at the act and the taste.

She chuckled and pulled back. “Can I be rough with you, Navi?”

“I want you to!”

“I respect you for saying that.”

I had no time to reflect on what that meant, as she immediately began muzzlefucking me. Both my hands went to her head to try to help her, but she slapped them away with her hooves and used her horse nose and tongue to hit my g-spot. She once again used magic to hold me in place as she brought me to a level of pleasure I had not felt in a while. I actually started crying and laughing from pleasure, overwhelming my senses.

She finally pulled back for a moment before thrusting her whole snout into me, stretching me much wider and stroking my fun-button so much harder. My body exploded in pleasure and I started hearing messy gulps below me, so I knew I squirted again and she was having her dessert.

When my body was too weak to struggle against her anymore, she finally eased out and fought to catch her breath. After thinking for a moment, I figured she could probably hold it for a very long time.

Once her breath was caught, but before mine was and while I was still crying, she chuckled and asked, “Strawberries and bananas, hm? Perhaps a hint of… watermelon? In winter? I do envy your life in the palace, Nav.”

There’s no way those were guesses. Chocolate covered strawberries, banana splits, and grilled watermelon are the healthiest things Celestia has for breakfast. “Your… your taste is impeccable…”

“As is yours, my lovely lady,” she said with a wink. My body tried blushing even more, but I was still coming down from a retard-moment orgasm, so there wasn’t much more it could do. I think she got the message either way, though. “Oh, Nav... Would that I had a mirror or a camera now, to show you how you look.”

“I… I don’t….”

“But wait, that’s right…” Her horn lit up and the top of her canopy bed released, trapping us in the bed together and revealing the mirror underneath. “I do.”

She hugged me, forcing me to look in the mirror at my bright red face, a dopey looking grin, and eyes that were aglitter.

“Are you ready to tell me you regret it yet, Navi?”

“N-no…” Two intense orgasms weren’t enough to stop me from talking shit. And of course, I had a feeling that denying it meant more fun.

“Well, we’ll see about that. I want you to keep an eye on yourself, Navi. You don’t want to ruin your lovely makeup, after all…”

With the angle she was holding me in, I couldn’t really look too far away. Honestly, I always tried not to think about it. My body and face felt wrong. All my mannerisms were right, but the body they tried them on didn’t like them, so to say. I felt too feminine and that always bothered me, but as I sat there and let Fleur treat me like a true lady for the very first time, I finally felt that it looked right.

Even if I’m still very shocked about it.

“Do I have your permission to use your body, Navi? Do you trust me with it, with no questions asked, relying totally upon my experience?”

I don’t know about that one. But fuck it. She knows my body. “Teach me how to be a lady.”

“With, assuredly, both our pleasures.” She finally hugged me again and kissed my ear as she lined her body up to mine. She either had magical assistance or her years of experience guided her well, because she slowly began easing her dragon-dildo into me. Ten outta ten aim. Gonna give Spike’s crossbow to her.

It’s not like he needed it anyway, though my brain was quick to remind me of the task at hand as her fake penis brushed a few nice spots. I found myself clutching tightly to her back. She softly cooed into my ear as she gently rode me, her comforting fuzzy body pressed against mine.

It was hard for me to really think coherently or talk, but I quietly said, “I… I love how you feel against m-me, Fleur…”

“It’s a perfect fit,” she whispered back.

With that, her hooves went to my shoulders to press me down. It was uncomfortable against my wings, so I stretched them out. Her magic found several nodes on my feathery wing that made my hips buck, pressing her deep into me and forcing a moan from me.

She let me catch my breath for a moment before pulling her body away, making me lose my grip on her. Her magic put my hands on her shoulders and then she started picking up speed. I grunted with each thrust. From the mirror, I could see that my eyes were opening wider every time she pressed into me. It was a strange look, but not a bad one.

But soon, my eyes just went out of focus as she continued picking up the pace and finally starting to thrust. Her body warmly pressed against mine every time, perfectly timed so I would grunt right next to her ear.

Once her pace finally reached a climax, her horn lit up and my legs lifted up and placed themselves around her back, giving her much better access. My grunts turned to moans as she pressed fully against me. I was so sensitive that I almost immediately came again, showering her bed and fur with my juices.

She replied by gently nibbling my ear, making my back arch and my body spasm against hers. My eyes involuntarily looked up and I realized I was drooling slightly between moans and my carefully placed makeup was smudged and running.

I didn’t look very lady-like anymore, but I was starting to feel like it.

“You voice is like music, Nav,” she delightfully sighed. “Sing for me.”

Not like I hadn’t already been, but I continued doing it regardless. After a while, I could barely hold myself onto her body and she let my upper body fall back onto the bed, giving her a nicer angle on my body. I yelped after each thrust, the pleasure so great that it almost hurt on my incredibly sensitive body.

Despite falling, I was still at an angle where I could see my face, and got to watch myself cum, see my fluttering eyes and adorable o-face. For some reason, it somehow turned me on even more. Knowing what my partner was seeing added something wholly new to the experience.

The tapered shape of the toy, along with the harder than normal bumps and spines, was making me feel truly wonderful. For a moment, I couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel with different toys, but I couldn’t keep that thought in mind for long.

She hilted the toy in me and leaned in for a kiss. The suddenness of both acts made me cum and moan as she explored my mouth again. I tried to keep it up with her, but I was panting too much to try to catch my breath.

Fleur finally pulled back with what looked like a weary smile. “How does it feel to be a lady, Nav?”

I moaned before croaking, “Stunning, dear…”

She chuckled as the water floated back over. “You’re taking to it quite nicely. We’re almost done, Nav, but the last step might prove to be the hardest. Drink.” She lowered the cup back down to me and allowed me to drink.

As soon as the cup was empty, she pulled it and herself away. The toy slid free with a sexy schlick and my body seemed to deflate at the sudden cold emptiness in me. The dragon dildo was absolutely glistening from my juices.

“Do you still allow me permission to explore your body?” she asked.

“My body is yours to explore,” I answered, opening my legs for her.

“I want you to think, Nav. Think about how much of a friend I am. Think about how you feel about me. Think about how you trust me. And I very much hope you can think about how I will never let any of this hurt you. Can you do all of that for me?”

“You… want me to feel good.”

“Yes I do.” She set the water down completely and then magic lifted me up. She turned me over and planted my ass in the air. I had left Twilight’s toy at home, because I figured Fleur didn’t need to see it. “This will feel good, Navarone. I won’t let it hurt you and you are going to relax because you trust me. Right?”

“I’ll try,” I whispered, trying to ease into the bed more. The tip of the dildo carefully pressed against my dark hole. It didn’t immediately hurt, but I still had to fight myself from tensing. I knew she didn’t want to hurt me, so my body finally felt… at ease.

Her strap-on very carefully and very slowly pushed inside of me, using my own cum as lube. It did not hurt once, though she didn’t fully hilt me. “How do you feel?” she softly asked, lightly tickling my ear with her tongue.

“So f-full,” I whispered back.

“Relax and close your eyes, Nav,” she said. “Let your body feel.”

She slowly pulled back out of me. For once, it felt like my body wanted it to return and I expected it immediately, but she popped open a bottle of something and poured some on the toy and some on me. It was extremely slippery, so I guess she just wanted more lube.

Once the toy was good to go, she kissed my neck as it eased back in. My body leaned into it until she got to the large knot at the end of the toy. “What do you think, Navi?”

“Don’t… stop,” I panted.

She pulled back out once again and slowly thrust a few more times. After a few, she pulled the toy out and stopped again. The bottle popped back open and spilled more lube. “I’m about to get more rough.”

“Yes ma’am.”

That made her chuckle. She grabbed my hips before pressing in much faster. My breath caught at first, but as I started picking up her rhythm, I began rocking with the thrusts. She was the right kind of gentle, the right kind of loving, the right kind of sexual and the right kind of friend that I felt I could really trust her.

And it paid off. She changed her angle, forcing me to arch my back down as she thrust into me. It wasn’t comfortable, but I finally moaned in pleasure as the toy in me pressed against my g-spot somehow. It wasn’t as strong, but I was so sensitive that I was starting to lose my breath again.

“You were so beautiful today, Nav,” she said. “So pretty. You don’t know how attractive you really are, do you? You’re so pretty that I did all of this just to see you cum. And you’re gonna do it for me one last time, aren’t you?”

As she asked that, her magic began toying with my wing again. I wanted to make a proper response, but it only came out as a shuddering moan as she fucked my ass.

“I have one more trick up my sleeve, Nav.” I saw something light up above me and her bedding retracted to show another mirror. I watched myself moan like a bitch in heat as she pounded me.

When she saw me bite my lip to try to stifle my moans, she growled and finally hilted the toy, slamming me against the mirror and making my body explode into pleasure. Wave after wave radiated through my entire body, shaking it like never before. “W-what’s happening?!” I cried.

“You’re squirting, my lovely lady.” I buried my head in the bed to try to hide the moans or fight it, but she twitched her hips and send another jolt of pleasure into me. She started grinding and I felt my juices just keep leaking down my thighs. I began crying in pleasure again, hiding it against the mattress.

Once my body finally got too tired to keep responding and the pressure in my stomach was starting to get uncomfortable, she kissed the back of my neck again before tugging. The first try didn’t get it, but the second made her toy pop loose. It very slowly and gently eased out of me. When it was finally clear, I felt my body shudder in perverse delight, though I had a feeling I would probably regret it later.

She was nice enough to roll me face-up on the bed. Her horn lit up and the water flew back over. The glass refilled once more and she passed it my way. I drank before she could order me and then continued trying to catch my breath from one of the most ridiculously intense orgasms of my life.

Because of that, she didn’t try to talk to me. She just looked down on me with a very wide grin. For once, it didn’t feel creepy.

My body didn’t take very long to start coming down. I knew I’d be riding the afterglow for a while, but I could talk just a few minutes after she pulled out.

“So do you regret not giving me a chance sooner, Nav?”

“...Yes. But o-only up to where your marriage ended. I should have been with you that night…”

“No matter. You’re too worn out right now, but there’s always the future. Now that you’ve come to accept this body, you must learn how to own it. I want to teach you how to please you.”

“...Thank you, Fleur. I bet you know exactly how much that means to me.”

“After watching you tonight, I believe I do…”

[“Sex is over”]

Once she had her toy stowed away, she dragged me to her bathroom. My makeup had been ruined and my body had been thoroughly fucked, so she took it upon herself to carefully and meticulously bathe me, apparently trying to teach me the proper way for a lady to bathe.

I ended up getting out of the tub smelling a whole lot better than I usually do, though. She had some kind of honey smelling shampoo for my hair and cherry scented soap for my body. Shit was weird, but a good kind of weird.

Honestly, I lost track of time while she was doing things to me. It felt so long, but somehow so short. Turns out the long feelings actually won (if you know what I mean), because several hours had passed by the time I was safely back in my clothes, sans makeup. It wasn’t quite dark, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be long before Blossom would join us.

“How many truly experienced lovers have you had, Navarone?” she asked.

“I dunno. Two. Maybe three. It’s been a while since I’ve had one as a chick. But you’re… something else.”

“Thank you. Do you think you might like to have lunch at my home more often?”

“I think I can fit that into my schedule.”

In response, she pecked me on the cheek.

Since she had been so nice to do all of that for me, I figured the least I could do to return the favor was make tea. I still very much preferred coffee, but that wasn’t an option. So, tea it was, though I had to have her show me where she kept everything.

“You know, Fancy never had much use for me as a wife,” she said, her voice taking a sorrowful tone. “I was taught so many ways to be the perfect bride while I was a filly. All of it went to the wayside when he found out my secret and talked me into marrying him. One of the few things he ever asked me to do was make him tea… One lump of sugar and two dollops of cream. Every time.”

“Do you regret what you did?”

She looked at her teacup, yet unfilled. The kettle wasn’t quite boiling yet. “No. And yes. When I think back over all the could-have-beens and what-ifs, I know that I could have been a completely different pony. I don’t know if the time is wasted if I learned so many lessons from it all. When I was a filly, I wanted a prince to fall in love with me. For a time, the prince I was wishing for was Blueblood. Then I got married and met him and quickly changed my mind about the particular who. But the hope that someone would fall in love with me and rescue me from that life stayed with me for the whole marriage, right up until the last few months of it.”

“Huh. Was I the only catalyst for that change, or were there any other factors?”

“You were the one who taught me that I didn’t need to be saved, that I could save myself. The books you wrote gave me hope. They showed me that I wasn’t the only pony… or person that felt trapped despite being surrounded by opulence. Meeting you in person and realizing that you were the author of those books was a… revelation. The fact that I was able to reconcile with you filled me with resolve. And of course, your words, both written and spoken, empowered me. As much as it shames me to realize it, Princess Celestia did plenty to assist as well, though I’ve heard talk that was your fault.”

“You mean the whole hair rape thing?”

“I do.” Thankfully, I was saved from trying to explain myself by the sound of the kettle going off. I beat her magic to it and pulled it away from the stove to pour for us both. “Thank you, Nav. To be more precise, the incident with Celestia taught me that no pony is immune to being desperate for love or attention. I have a feeling that I was not the target she had in mind, but she took me regardless.” Apparently she took her tea straight, as she lifted it up to daintily sip at it without adding anything to it.

My palate was definitely nowhere near as refined as hers, so I dumped sugar and then cream into my tea. The shit just tasted disgusting otherwise, even after all the years I had been forced to drink it. “It’s lonely at the top, I guess.”

“Princess Celestia put herself on that pedestal. I feel no pity for her. I will support her, but as long as she holds herself so far above her subjects, she will never find love. I’m sure you, of all people, are aware of that.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Well, far be it from me to doubt the consort of Celestia. I, however, would be hard-pressed to love somepony who ordered me around.” Is that jealousy talking? She sounds earnest, but…

“That’s understandable. In fact, it’s one of the biggest reasons things fell apart so hard with Luna.”

She sighed and set her teacup down. “Do you ever feel that Princess Celestia might be more loyal to her sister than she is to the law, Nav?”

“Do you even need to ask?”

“I felt it prudent. Many unpleasant things have happened to you, Navarone. And you’ve done one or two of them yourself. The landscape of power in Equestria would be radically different had you never appeared. It would be even more different had Celestia followed the law to the letter from day one involving you.”

“Things certainly would have been much more dull.”

“Perhaps. Which would you have preferred, Nav? A dull life or a life of adventures both painful and pleasing?”

“I dunno.”

That made her chuckle, surprisingly. “A wise answer, even if you didn’t mean it to be. Life is a fickle thing. What-ifs and could-have-beens are nice to explore, but I find it best to live the life we have, not the one that could be.”

“I just so happen to have magic that can tell me what my life would have been. Once upon a time, I could have been one of the scientists that helped recreate all life on the planet. I would have had a badass soldier for a daughter and presumably a wife, though I never got to meet her.”

“That is… interesting. In a way, you are mimicking what you could have been. From what I understand, you are currently fighting for all life on the planet alongside a very powerful battlemage daughter.”

“Hopefully, I’ll be more successful than the other me was.” Though what she said did get me thinking about fate, in a way. If my fate originally was to save the world, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was destined to do it again. A few signs were pointing to it, but I couldn’t rely on coincidences to point me the right way. One or two similarities didn’t mean anything.

“It seems that he was successful to me. There is plenty of sapient life in the world today, is there not?”

“Yeah, but he died. I’m looking for a happier ending.”

“Ah. That is certainly understandable. Of course, you have many allies on your side, Nav. You will win. You will save the world. You will survive.”

“Here’s hoping, I guess.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the first time I ever really felt like I wanted to survive the coming fight. I always pretended like I would make it, but I honestly expected to fail. What was I compared to what was essentially a god, after all? But for once, I realized that I didn’t want to die anymore.

The sound of distant knocking cut off any more attempts at conversation. Fleur grinned and stood. “That must be Captain Blossom. I’ll ask her to join us.”

“Cool.” She left the kitchen to make the long journey to the door. I took a moment to wonder if it would be polite to set a cup aside for Blossom. She told me that normal food tasted like ashes to her, but she might appreciate the gesture regardless.

In the end, I let my body decide for me. What Fleur did felt truly amazing at the time and I was definitely still feeling part of an afterglow, but aches were already starting to set in. Not moving felt much nicer than trying to get up to get another cup.

It sounded like Blossom was in a hurry. I heard two sets of hooves, one of which was definitely clad in metal, trotting down the hall. Once they got close enough, I could even hear Blossom talking. “It’s got me worried, Fleur. What else is she hiding?”

“Just a moment, dear—”

Before Fleur could tell Blossom to stop, they both rounded the corner and Blossom saw me. Surprise hit her face first, then a large smile. She burst into mist and almost instantly reappeared next to me for a hug. “It’s so good to see you safe, Nav!”

“You as well, Blossom,” I said, hugging her back. She wasn’t too comfortable in the armor, but I guess the warm feelings of friendship or whatever made it all worth it. “But the way you’re talking, something happened.”

That made her pull away, the smile disappearing. “Something did happen. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it, but I guess the princess didn’t think you were in the need to know. Or she hasn’t had a chance to fully process it herself yet.”

“...What exactly happened, Blossom?”

She sighed and started pacing. Fleur sat back down and used magic to place a chair in Blossom’s path. She got the hint and joined us at the table, though she leaned forward closer to me. “I spoke to Luna through a magic mirror last night, Nav. I don’t know where she is or what Princess Celestia has her doing. Apparently she’s had time to do some thinking, because when Celestia let me speak to her, Luna abdicated her throne.”

Fleur had been trying to sip at tea. When she heard that, her magic failed and the cup fell to the table. “W-what?”

“Can she do that?” I asked.

“Apparently. As soon as she said it, she… she changed. I haven’t seen her like this since I was first assigned to her command. Her hair stopped moving and went to a light blue and her body seemed to shrink.”

“What the hell did you say to her?” I quite honestly could not believe my ears.

“Well… That’s the uncomfortable part. Princess Celestia allowed me to speak to her on the condition that I kept to a script that I was provided. Luna realized it immediately and demanded that I speak my mind. I… I did. And I don’t think I need to repeat it. But Luna made Celestia swear not to punish me, then officially abdicated.”

“What did Celestia do?” Fleur asked.

“Screamed, then started crying, then physically threw me out of her room. I heard more yelling before I decided to go back to patrolling, but I don’t know exactly what was said.”

“Holy shit.”

“Talk about a power vacuum,” Fleur muttered, leaning back. Her eyes went unfocused as she thought.

“So why were you worried about me?” I asked.

“I thought Luna might be abdicating so she could come after you and not bring any fallback onto Equestria. But now that I know you don’t even know, I think she might seriously stay exiled wherever she is now. It’s possible she may have finally realized what she did was truly evil.”

“And you didn’t catch any kind of indication of where she was?”

She shook her head. “All I know is that the wall behind her was red, so presumably not the moon. There was no one else around and no decorations that I could see.”

“That could be literally anywhere. Damn.” I looked over at Fleur, who was zoned pretty far out. “What do you think, Fleur?”

That brought her back. “I think that Princess Celestia is very, very vulnerable right now. Someone with the proper ambitions could easily take quite a lot of power, but they would have to act quickly.”

“Then you both need to jump into play and make sure no one gets that opportunity,” I said. “If I haven’t heard of it, this news hasn’t spread. Celestia probably isn’t going to tell anyone. Was anyone else there, Blossom?”

“No, just the two of us. It was in her personal chambers, so there were no eavesdropping guards or maids.”

“Then this news is going to stay buried, but Celestia is still going to be reeling. I know she does not want this to spread, so this has to stay between the three of us. No one must know that Equestria is so close to toppling.”

“Agreed,” Blossom immediately replied.

“As you wish,” Fleur slowly said. I had a feeling she wanted to say more, but I knew she wouldn’t in front of Blossom. What she wanted to say did have merit, in a way; I could swoop in and take power right then if I wanted. I would still have problem areas, but I had enough dirt on Celestia to turn the entire world against her.

Without her sister by her side, she would crumple immediately.

“Blossom, is there any way you can increase the guard on Celestia? I don’t think it would be easy or even possible to kill her, but if any noble finds out about this, they might take the chance. After what she did to some of them, I bet they’re out for blood.”

“Consider it done, though she might not like it.”

“I don’t care if she likes it or not. She’s more useful to me alive, so she better not let herself get killed. I don’t have time to take care of the incredible anarchy that would come from her getting assassinated or even attacked. Thankfully, Fleur and I can’t do anything too direct, because we have to pretend to not even know. If Celestia finds out you told anyone, she will be very displeased.”

“I’m aware, Nav,” Blossom sighed, glumly lowering her head to the table. “But I felt that you had to know.”

“You did the right thing, and I’m grateful that you did it,” I said, reaching over to place a hand on her hoof. That got her to pull her head off the table, at least. “I just can’t believe that Luna truly gave up the throne. Willingly, at that.”

“She was not… she wasn’t completely gone, Nav,” Blossom sighed. Her other hoof moved to grip my hand. “She did regret what she did to you. I could tell even before she left. Celestia forced her to leave because Luna was telling the truth to every question Shining Armor or I asked about you. Luna didn’t run to protect herself, Celestia hid Luna to protect her. Given the choice, I think Luna would have preferred to be punished properly for what she did.”

“...Maybe.” Part of me wanted to believe that. I couldn’t help but wonder if enough of the wounds had healed that I could forgive her now. Had it been long enough? Could it ever be long enough?

I guess the better question is, had I changed enough yet? Or again, could I change enough?

Given my luck, I had a feeling I would find out sooner rather than later.

Blossom weakly smiled again and pulled away. “Despite the bad news, seeing you again was a very pleasant surprise, Nav. I heard your ship was in town, but I didn’t think I’d have time to see you. It’s a shame I need to get to work so soon.”

“I don’t suppose you’d have time to fly me back to my ship?” I asked. “It’s getting about time for me to head to bed and it’s only fair that I get out of Fleur’s hair.”

“There’s no rush,” Fleur immediately replied.

“And I can’t fly you anywhere, anyway,” she said. “I’m working with a squad of cadets tonight. But we could walk you back.”

“I think I’d like that, if you don’t mind. And I know there’s no rush, Fleur, but it is getting quite late. Remember, I sleep and wake with the sun, these days.”

“...Right. I just thought… Well, I suppose you need to tuck your daughter in.” I guess that was the cue for us all to stand up, though it kinda felt awkward. “I’d be happy to walk you to the door, at the very least.”

She led the way, though she walked very slowly. Blossom and I followed side-by-side, and she gently bumped into me every few steps. Normally that would be adorable, but my legs were still shaky from my extended vacation to pound-town. It still wasn’t too big of a problem, at least.

The long walk down the hallway was mostly silent. We all had our own inner demons to think about, I guess. Blossom about how to protect Celestia, Fleur about how to profit from what Luna did, and me about when I could have sex with Fleur again.

And also the thing about forgiving Luna, I guess.

When we finally got to the door, Fleur turned and pulled us both into a group hug. It felt very nice and the two of us returned it, of course. Once she let go, she asked me, “Do you know when you’ll be leaving, Nav?”

“The day after tomorrow, probably in the morning. I have no idea when I’ll be getting back. I’ll try to carry some flyers with me.”

“I would be ever-so-grateful. And when you do stop by Canterlot again, don’t be a stranger.” Her voice got quite deep on that last part and her eyes took on a very nice seductive look.

Blossom picked up on that and cleared her throat. “Thank you for the hospitality, Fleur. But I really do need to get back out there…”

“Right, of course.” Fleur’s horn lit up and the door swung back open, revealing a group of three young looking day guards. Their eyes widened when they saw Fleur and I and all three of them bowed.

Blossom sighed and trotted out. “Stand at attention!” They immediately shot right back up. “We are royal guards. If we stopped to bow to every noble in Canterlot, nothing would ever get done. You bow to Princess Celestia alone.”

“And Princess Luna,” I quickly said.

Blossom’s ears twitched and she nodded. “And Princess Luna. That said, there is a list of nobles that can request our presence. Lady Navarone is one of them, and she requested that we escort her back to the palace. So we will put off our patrol for the night until she is safely at home. Any questions?” All three guards slapped one of their hooves against the ground. Blossom turned back to me. “Are you ready, my lady?”

“I am, Captain Midnight.”

“Squad leader, deploy your guards.”

The earth pony of the group stepped forward, surprisingly. He turned to look at the other two. “Lance corporal, three meters in front. Light the way.” The unicorn nodded and started walking, his horn lit up to shine our path. “PFC, fly overhead. Keep an eye on the streets.” The pegasus saluted and shot into the air. “My lady, would you care to walk with me?”

“Nice try, cadet,” Blossom said. “I will stay with Lady Navarone. I want your mind on the mission, not thinking about getting up her skirt.”

“C-captain, I would never!”

“You’re right, you never will,” she replied. “Rear guard.” His ears dropped and he sighed. Blossom and I began following the unicorn and the earth pony followed behind the two of us.

When we were about a block away from Fleur’s house, I shook one of my legs out and asked, “Can I put a hand on your back? Or is that inappropriate right now?”

“Are you unwell? If you need me to fly you back, I can. I was just using this as a training exercise.”

“I’m fine. Fleur just did a number on my vagina and ass.” She missed a step and stumbled. “Felt great at the time, but being a female has its downsides.”

“I… I see. Feel free to place a hand on my back, Nav.” It didn’t make walking too much easier, but at least she got to be uncomfortable as well.

“So what’s with this cadet thing?” I asked.

“One of the few good things Shining Armor implemented in his time as captain. He decided that before guards can be sworn in, they have to go out on several dozen patrols with experienced squad leaders. This was after an attempt on his daughter’s life, if I remember right. Apparently one of the guards who passed the screening process was unfit for duty and was helping the assassins. This was designed to put more experience on the streets and let dutiful squad leaders keep an eye on the trainees. So far, this is the first group I’ve ever participated with.”

“Is it working?”

“Oh, absolutely. It hasn’t helped knock crime down any, but it’s greatly increased the professionalism of new guards and it’s reduced the number of complaints we get. Crime in Canterlot is practically nonexistent, so that’s the best outcome we could have hoped for.”

Before I could ask more questions or try to get to rub her belly, the pegasus guard landed in front of us. “Captain, there’s an armored diamond dog bothering a deer two streets over.”

“Ugh. Night falls and all the deer and weirdos come out,” she sighed, shaking her head. “Nav, you mind if we detour to deal with this? It won’t take long.”

“It won’t break my heart. But if we get attacked, you better be my hero in not-so-shining armor.”

“Tch. FALL IN!” The unicorn up ahead spun around and trotted back. The earth pony behind us joined the other two. “Looks like we got a standard dispute. Probable dog aggressor, bothering a deer. It’s likely just a dog being a dog and a deer being a deer, so we’ll just break it up and make them disperse. I’ll take the lead.”

“You gonna cheat this time, Captain?” the earth pony asked.

“You learn nothing if I use my powers,” she said, rolling her eyes. “So that’s a last resort.”

“All you have to do is just make us vamponies too!”

She glared at him. “You don’t want this curse, cadet. Now move out and don’t make me repeat myself again.” Their ears dropped and they started trotting, letting the pegasus take the lead.

“So uh…”

“Fleur put it in newspapers less than three days after Princess Celestia said it was okay. The whole city knows.”

“Huh.”

She started galloping to catch up. I followed at a more sedate pace, because I didn’t really figure I had any business getting involved.

I regretted that decision when I turned the corner and saw Blossom opening a can of whoop-ass on both the dog and the deer. The shoes I chose didn’t make running easy, but it didn’t matter anyway since they were both out cold by the time I got there.

“So what exactly did I just miss?” I asked. The three cadets were just staring in awe, so none of them answered.

“Our little puppy here didn’t like being interrupted,” she said with a hoof on his back. “And as I’m sure you’d know if you’ve ever met a deer, they’re one of the most arrogant races out there and don’t like being rescued. Both were inebriated. Cadets, take them to medical and then to gen pop. I’ll continue walking with Lady Navarone.”

A direct order knocked them out of their stupor and all three saluted. “Yes, Captain Blossom!” She walked away from the scene of violence and joined me once more as the three of them started working on getting those poor bastards to a doctor.

When we were far enough away, she giggled. “I love making them do all my paperwork.”

“That is exactly why I hired an accountant. Also, that was fucking awesome.”

“And it felt good! I’m glad I can finally be open about what I am. It means I don’t have to hold back.”

“Which is definitely good, but something something be careful, something something don’t abuse your powers.”

“Did you just say something something twice?”

“The point is, with great power comes great responsibility. I know you were worried before about getting in too deep and making a mistake because of it. The more you use your powers, the more careful you have to start being.”

“...Yeah.” We walked in silence for a few long seconds before she grinned again. “But did you see the way I had that deer by the antlers?”

“You have no idea how wet that made me, Blossom. No homo or whatever, but god damn.”

That made her burst out laughing, of course.

Unfortunately, it did not make her put out when we got back to the ship.

Fortunately, Twilight was still upset about the previous night, and did her best to put me back in my place. It was fun, but Fleur was definitely better.

Of course, telling Twilight that Fleur was better made her try much harder, which made the night last a lot longer than it should have.

Totally fucking worth it.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Three—Dawn of the Third Day

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Three—Dawn of the Third Day

Once I had taken a shower and finally gotten the taste of Twilight’s used panties out of my mouth, I went up to the deck to greet the bright new day. I found out very quickly that we were scheduled for a fucking morning blizzard, apparently. Being on deck was so cold that it was painful, so pretty much everyone that was staying on the ship was either still asleep or in the palace.

The dinner thing with all the predators wasn’t until pretty late that night, so I had nothing planned and nothing to do. It felt both good and weird.

I decided to take advantage of the free time the same way anyone would: By bothering the leader of more than half the world. It was still early enough that she would probably either be “raising the sun” or eating breakfast, so I headed over to her breakfast room. She wasn’t in there yet, so I decided to just get comfortable in her fancy seat.

She didn’t make me wait very long, thankfully. To her credit, she wasn’t surprised at all to see me. “Good morning, Nav,” she said. It sounded like she was trying to be polite, but I heard a… tightness behind her words that wasn’t usually there.

“Howdy. Would you like to join me for breakfast?”

“I would be delighted to.” Surprisingly, she let me keep the nice seat and took the spot I usually sat in. She looked at me expectantly. “Do you know when it’ll be served?”

“No clue. Good help is hard to find, these days.”

She smirked and her horn lit up. The little chime thingy went off and her paid slaves began bringing in food. They also didn’t seem that surprised to see me and brought enough food for the two of us. They even gave me the super nice plates that are usually reserved for Celestia.

Once they were gone, I smiled and said, “I hope that was quick enough for you.”

“It was, thank you. You’re such a gracious host, my lady.”

“I certainly do my best.”

I really wasn’t that hungry, but ate anyway. Palace food is fucking baller as shit and it always has a ton of flavors, even if a good chunk of them are some variation of sweet. While I was eating, I was reminded that I would probably have to make arrangements to have some kind of provisions for the trip to Iceland. I had no idea how often adult dragons needed to eat or how available food would be while we were there, but I knew Spike ate every day.

“So what did you discover about Iceland?” she finally asked.

“That it’s a fucking bitch to get into.”

“I suspected as much, but I was not certain. Do you have a plan? I could make an appeal to Pyrite, if you’d like.”

“I do have a plan, but I’m not sure it’s a good one. Twilight is going to turn me into a dragon.”

Her eyebrows lifted and she leaned back. “That’s… a very audacious plan. She might need my assistance to turn you. She’ll definitely need it to turn you back.”

“No to both, actually. She and Taya were barely able to turn me into one. She used the alicorn amulet to turn me back.”

“Oh, I see. So were you the dragon that landed near Canterlot two days ago?”

“Yeah. Being a dragon is fucking awesome, too.”

“Yes, I’d imagine so. Are you sure this isn’t too much of a risk, Nav?”

“No, I’m not. But I mean, do you really think Pyrite would let my ship in there?”

“I think it’s… possible. It depends entirely upon his mood. However, I think that if I do ask for permission and he says no, you’ll have a much more difficult time just going in as a dragon. So I would suggest following your plan. I doubt it will be dangerous, though I can’t help but wonder how much you can accomplish.”

“Hopefully everything I need to. I’m not really going to be in much of a hurry, though. I’m not looking forward to going to Tartarus.”

“Nor am I looking forward to sending you. That said, if you would be interested in assisting me while you are in Tartarus, I can give you a few tasks. Some of them would be very dangerous and none of them are extremely important, so I only ask that you complete them if it is convenient.”

“I’m always down for some side quests, but there’s no guarantee they’ll get done. Get me the list before we head that way and we can discuss it.”

“Excellent. I should add that each of those… side quests are self-rewarding. For example, one request is that you destroy the illegal red diamond mining operation. If you do so, you’ll be free to loot whatever you want while you’re there. Another request is that you break into the ancient vampony coven and steal all the books you can find. I’m looking for specific ones, but I don’t know their titles. You can keep whatever I don’t need.”

“Huh. I don’t suppose we could summon a demon or two and talk to them, could we? Like, I didn’t even know there was a vampire coven there. I wouldn’t mind learning more about the lay of the land.”

“Oh, absolutely,” she said with a nod. “I was going to summon Nestorats herself, if possible. She could make the journey much easier by waiting for you near Mount Oberon. If she chooses to be obstinate, I will likely summon a familiar, so you can ask it whatever questions you want.”

“Oooh, familiars. Can you summon a specific one?”

“If I knew his or her specific summoning sign, yes. There is a general summoning sign for familiars, but as lesser demons of Tartarus, they have their own summon sign. I could bring a specific one to Equestria if I knew it.”

“Oh. Then I guess there’s no way to bring forth the one I already know.”

“That depends on how well you know it. Demonic summoning signs resonate to those who are closely familiar with the demon in question. The closer you are to a demon and the more you know it, the faster you can recognize, find, and draw or erase their sign. The Inquisitor can draw the demon of hunting’s sign in less than a minute after what happened in Neighpon.”

I refused to ask. “Do you have a list of signs for known familiars?”

“I… might. Somewhere. I’ll look for it while you’re in Iceland, though I don’t know if it will matter. A familiar is a familiar.”

“And a friend is invaluable.” I wonder if Phinny will let me rub his belly… “Tartarus is going to be a very dangerous place. The one I spoke to mentioned that the alphyns allied themselves to a few other native races. I would like to speak to the one I know to see if he would give me permission to use any cities they might have.”

“That is… dangerous. They are still denizens of Tartarus, Nav. Whatever the familiar may have told you was very likely a lie. Alliances of convenience are very common with demons. Rarely do they end in true friendship. Often, one ally will turn on another as soon as it is safe. It would be very easy to betray you when you are in his home. Familiars collect slaves, and the crew you have would be prime targets.”

“I imagine if push comes to shove, we won’t have much of a choice in Tartarus. If it’s as bad as everyone says it is, we’ll need a staging area to fall back to and rest, or supply stops on the way. Especially if the gates are too small to get the ship in.”

“Be very wary of your safe harbors turning against you, Nav. If I am right and you come to them when you are weakened, you might very well regret it.”

“Well, then I guess we can cast a sense motive spell on the bastard when we summon him.”

That was supposed to be a joke, but Celestia’s head tilted and then she nodded. “That would likely work, yes. I know one powerful enough to work on a lesser demon. This trip will be dangerous for you. If you truly might have a safe harbor, I say it’s worth exploring.”

“Baller.”

“What does that word mean, Nav?”

“Easiest translation is ‘good’. Now, I don’t suppose you could help me with something?”

“It’s very… baller that you asked me, Nav.”

“Ugh, you’re like an old person. Now that word is just tainted.” That just made her smirk, of course. “Anyway, I was hoping I could get some advice.”

“Oh, I would love to give you advice, Nav. Please, tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Sorry, I didn’t finish. Can you teleport me to the Crystal Empire?”

Her smile seemed to crack a little. “I’m… sorry?”

“Yeah. I wanted to talk to Cadance, if I could.”

“I… I see. Are you sure I couldn’t assist you?”

I waved a hand. “I was gonna ask you later. But I’m pretty sure I already know what you’re gonna say.”

“Hm. I suppose I could assist you. But aren’t you going to leave tomorrow?”

“Yes. Can you also teleport me back when I’m done?”

She lifted a hoof to her chin. “I… could do both. But it will be very tiring. I want something in return.”

“Alright, what do you want?”

She lowered the hoof and nodded. “When you return, I want to ask you a question. I want an honest answer.”

“Yeah, sure. Can you bring me back around three?”

“Of course, Nav. Just don’t be wearing your ring. I’ll watch through your eyes until you are back at her teleportation chamber, then bring you home.”

“Cool beans, dawg.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “And what does that mean?”

“Good, my friend.”

“Ah. It is, indeed, cool beans, dog.” I groaned. She grinned. Just like that, her horn lit up and I disappeared with a flash.

Thankfully, she was nice enough to teleport the chair as well, so I didn’t immediately fall on my not-so-plush behind. The room I was in was made out of a shimmering blue crystal. A strange symbol was carved into the floor. My chair was sitting in the center of that symbol. As soon as I stood, the chair disappeared behind me, presumably sent back to Canterlot.

Cadance wasn’t expecting me, so I had no idea if she would be free or not. I was hoping she either wouldn’t be too busy or could pencil some time in for a friend. I just didn’t have enough time to send her a letter to see if she was available.

If nothing else, Shining Armor was probably bored out of his mind and could talk. Maybe I’d get to see Cadance tweak the settings on his buttplug.

My last time in the shitty crystal palace didn’t really give me much of a sense for the palace. I had wandered its halls a little, but I didn’t know the way around too much. As soon as I found a servant, I got directions to Cadance’s throne room. When I walked off, I couldn’t help but reflect on how much happier and less jumpy the servants were.

Cadance and Shiny did a lot of redecorating after they got the place, apparently. A lot of the old tapestries and paintings were gone, in most cases replaced by something from the treasury. Either ancient paintings confiscated by Sombra or artifacts that no one claimed, I imagined. It felt like some kind of oppressiveness in the air was gone, replaced by a pleasant calmness.

I’m sure getting rid of all the shitty dark magic traps helped with that.

There weren’t that many guards out and about, either. Canterlot had them stationed all over the castle and you’d occasionally run into patrols. I just passed the occasional crystal guard, mostly unarmored and entirely unarmed. They smiled and nodded at me as I passed.

There were two more in front of the doors of the throne room. Said doors were open and I could hear talking inside. Neither guard said a word as I let myself in and walked up the stairs leading to the dais. Once I got upstairs, another set of two guards were on both sides of me. Cadance was doing her best to look all queenly and shit while talking to a very excited changeling.

As soon as Cadance saw me, her face lit up and her smile became genuine. The changeling stopped talking and looked back. Her green eyes widened and a smile came to her face before her eyes turned straight pink. “NAVI!” Her wings started buzzing and she flew across the room to hug me.

My mind blanked for a moment before I remembered. “Eva!” That got me to hug her back, a smile also coming to my face. “I thought Cadance would have you out doing some work!”

“Nope! I’m like her personal maid now! It’s the best job ever!”

“That’s awesome. I’m glad you found a good place, Eva.”

She pulled away from me and her eyes seemed to retract. “N-Navi…?”

“What’s wrong, dear?”

Her horn lit up and I felt something carefully prod at my mind. Her horn dimmed and the smile returned harder than before. “You’re so happy! You’re so happy I can feel it!” She hugged me once more. “Your smile is really real…”

“A lot has happened, Eva. I lost who I was, in a way. It changed me. I really hope it’s for the better. It feels good right now, but I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.”

“It can’t ever be bad if you’re happy,” she sighed as she snuggled closer.

I patted her back and walked toward Cadance. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything, Cadance.”

“I’m always happy to see you, Nav,” she said. She hopped down from her throne and stretched. “Though I can’t help but wonder why you’re here. Is it just you, or is your crew with you?”

Eva gasped and looked back up at me. “Is Taya with you?!”

“I’m afraid it’s just me this time. I’m in Canterlot between adventures. I asked Celestia to send me here so I could talk to you, Cadance. I need advice.”

Her eyebrows shot straight up. “And you came to me? I’m… certainly flattered, but surely Celestia would have been better to talk to.”

“Not for this. Celestia is a princess before anything else. You are my friend.” Her smile seemed to grow a little more warm. “And a friend is what I need right now, not a princess.”

“Then I would absolutely be happy to give you advice, Nav. Perhaps I’ll be able to finally put my special talent to good use for you, hmm?”

“I’m afraid not. Or at least, not now. If I actually survive this journey, I’ll be in the market for a relationship. But until then, I’m not looking for anything serious.”

“That isn’t going to be an if, Nav. And I’ll hold you to that when you finally settle down,” she said with a nod. “Now let’s go somewhere more comfortable.” She started walking to the stairs. The two guards there stood up straighter. “Nav and I are going to a sitting room. You two will not be required.” They eased back down. I carried Eva behind Cadance until we got downstairs, then walked next to her as she led the way to a more comfortable sitting room. “How has your journey been, Nav?”

“It’s had its ups and downs. You know some of the highlights, I’m sure.”

“I don’t!” Eva happily said. I guess she got tired of being carried in my arms, so she miniaturized herself and floated to my shoulder. “You can tell me all about them!”

“Shiny told me you were doing well, last he saw,” Cadance said. “In fact, he seemed to think you were doing better than he had ever seen. Given what our adorable friend just said, I believe him.”

“I’m… trying a new me. Constantly being an asshole is useful, but it… isn’t fulfilling. Surrounding myself completely by people who care about me helps. My crew and my friends have taught me how to be a less shitty person.”

“It sounds like you’re learning the magic of friendship.”

“You shut your whore mouth, Cadance.”

For some reason, that made her laugh. “Some things always stay the same, I suppose,” she said, trying to stifle more giggles. “Are you enjoying being a noble?”

“Eh. Celestia made me one for propaganda reasons. I’m still trying to decide if I want to use the title for anything or if I just want to completely retire after everything’s said and done.”

“You’re still plenty welcome here, Nav,” she said, gently bumping into me.

“We can be roommates!” tiny Eva said.

“I know, and I’ve thought about that as well. The world is turning for the first time in a while. Right now, I’m waiting to see which side is facing up when it stops, if that makes any sense.”

“It does to me,” Cadance said. “When you cast Discord down, I feel that the world will change beyond all possible imagination.” She said when, not if. Does she really have that much confidence in me?

“It’ll start well before that,” I said. “Celestia is going to announce soon that she doesn’t move the sun. I imagine that’ll really get the ball rolling.”

“Yes… it… will,” Cadance very slowly replied, her hooves slowing to a crawl. “I… didn’t know she was going to tell everypony. When?”

“I don’t know the exact time, but she and Moonbeam have been working on a statement.”

“Who?”

“Queen Chrysalis now goes by Queen Moonbeam,” I said. “I talked her into giving up on her evil ways, or whatever. She’s trying to go back to being who she was, the loving midwife Moonbeam. She’s so adorably bad at being good, but she’s trying and that’s the important part.”

“Hm.” Cadance’s pace picked back up and she used magic to open a door we were coming to. “Please, after you.” I led the way inside. Two crystal couches covered in plush cushions stood across from each other. There was a table in the middle with a small bell on it. One of the walls was just a giant window that gave us a good view of the city. The other walls were bare.

Cadance pranced over to the couch facing the door and plopped into it, leaving me the one facing the city. I sat there and Eva became her regular size to place herself across my lap. “You’ve really turned this place around, Cadance.”

“None of it would have been possible without you, Nav. I will never be able to repay you for all that you’ve done. I know I don’t need to say it, but you mean the world to me. I’m happy to give you whatever advice I can. What’s troubling you?”

“You met Aqua, one of the water elementals. What did you think about her?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t speak to her for long. I had the feeling that she was hiding something. A lot of somethings, in fact.”

“And you know that I’ve had one living in me for a while.”

“I don’t know if you ever actually told me, but yes. I suspected there was… something going on. I lived with you for a while and you would have strange moments where you just seemed to withdraw into yourself. I thought it might be a human thing or maybe some manner of stress or emotional trauma.”

“The name of that water elemental is Flo. Eva actually got to meet her.”

“Yep! She helped Navi save me and the others!”

“Using her knowledge of human therapy and a mind link, she did,” I said with a nod. “Normally, elementals are very careful about the hosts they take. Flo didn’t have the choice to be picky. I was her only way to get free, the only option she had to possibly free her sisters. She made me a host, knowing the possible consequences it would have to both of us as two relatively incompatible minds became one.” My voice slowly petered out and my eyes lost their focus. One of my hands went on autopilot and began petting the changeling in my lap.

“I assume this didn’t end well,” Cadance finally said, bringing me back to reality.

“It had the desired effect,” I said. “All of the water elementals are free, including Flo. But I’ve changed her. And she’s changed me. Water elementals are supposed to be… Well, think of the kindest person you’ve ever met. Now make that person your mother and that’s how water elementals are supposed to be. Kind, loving, all about life and nature and shit. And then think about how I was when you first met me. Combine the two and what do you get?”

“A very interesting mix,” Cadance said. “So Flo changed you and you changed her. I assume that change was for the worse, in her case.”

“It… might have been.” I started going into more detail about some of what Flo had been doing, both the good and the bad. The overprotectiveness, the weird punishments, the times she hurt me, the times she loved me. I tried to come up with as many examples as I could.

When I finally ran out of things to say, Cadance sighed and stood. I thought she was going to hug me, but instead she walked around the couch to stare out across her kingdom. “I do not mean what I am about to say lightly, Nav. And I want you to know right now that I mean it one hundred percent.”

“‘Kay.”

She turned back to look at me. “You are the brother I have always needed.” That… stunned me. My hand stopped on Eva’s back and I leaned back, my wings sagging. I think she was expecting that kind of reaction, because she started walking closer. For once, the smile on her face was gone. “You saved my life at least four times. You have been my savior, my rock. But despite that, you’ve always lacked something. You laughed and you smiled, but there was always a hesitation. There was always darkness. There was always something in you that stopped you from being truly happy. I believe Flo helped find that missing piece of yourself. And in doing so, I believe she may have lost the same thing.” At that point, she was standing right in front of me.

“And yet…”

“She lost a part of herself to save you, Nav. I know you are wary of letting her back into your head, and that isn’t a bad thing. My advice for you is to be there for her as she was there for you. If she truly has changed for the worse, she will need help to change back. She doesn’t have to be in you to do so, but that doesn’t mean you can just turn your back on her. At the very least, think of all that you owe her. Think of all the times she helped you, even saved your life. From listening to you talk about her, I know you care about her. There might be another water elemental you could come to care about more, there might not be. Flo might belong in your head and she might not. But the two of you most definitely belong together, if nothing else. The bond you share with her will survive this if you let it.”

“But should I let it?” Eva flinched, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m afraid I can give you advice all day, but in the end, that is your choice to make, Nav. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. Sometimes, choices require sacrifices. You have done a lot for Flo. She has done a lot for you. Do you still want her in your life despite the bad she’s done? Do you want to give her a chance to change? To truly answer your question, were I in your shoes, I would have this talk with her. If she loves you as much as you love her, she will do what makes you happy, especially if it would make her happier as well. If she chooses not to accommodate you even after you tell her that you feel abused, then she no longer loves you. If she chooses to compromise and work with you, then it’s meant to be.”

I sighed and leaned back. “You and Celestia both said the same thing about love, that it’s a choice. If that’s the case, how do I know if I love someone?”

“It isn’t something you know, Nav. It’s something you choose. I know it’s hard to explain, especially to somebody who doesn’t really have much experience. Passion is a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Combine passion, lust, and love, and you have romance. That is what most ponies mean when they talk about love. But as I told you oh so long ago, there are many other ways one can find love. The two most important, or at least the most relevant, are the love of friends and the love of family. I have the feeling you might not have experienced much of either in your past life, which I find truly heartbreaking. But at the same time, I think it’s beautiful and absolutely amazing to watch you discover it now. I want you to be happy, Nav. I think Flo is like a mother to you. Like all mothers, she’s allowed to make mistakes. And like all sons, you’re allowed to forgive her. You don’t have to do so, but I believe you would be better for it. You can still choose to love her despite what she’s done. You just have to decide if you want to. I can’t make up your mind for you. I think you should, but it is your life and you will be the one who lives with the consequences of your decision.”

I laid back on the couch and cuddled the changeling. “Life as an unfeeling freak of nature was so much easier.”

Cadance giggled and brushed my face with one of her wings. “But unfulfilling, I imagine.”

“It had its ups and downs.”

“Nuh uh,” Eva said. “You were always so empty back then! That’s why Mirror tried talking to you at first instead of seducing you. She didn’t think you felt lust! You never felt anything at all. But as soon as I saw you earlier, I felt your happiness!”

“How did it taste?” I asked.

She pulled herself up and rubbed her nose against mine. Once she had done that, she eased back and held me again. “Amazing,” she sighed in delight.

“Glad to know my emotions are changeling approved. So what do you think I should do, Eva?”

“Flo saved me. I think you should hold on tight and never let go. And if you do give up on her, let me know so she can live with me!”

“What do the rest of you think?”

Her wings started twitching a lot and her voice changed, though not to one I recognized. “We all agree that you should keep her.”

“Um. Eva, who was that?”

“Oh, that was all of us,” she happily said. “We learned how to do that a few weeks ago.”

Weird as fuck. But then, I guess the entire concept is pretty strange. “Neat. You guys haven’t had any problems with other changelings, have you? I don’t think Chrysalis would kill you offhand anymore, but I imagine she would still want you back in the hives.”

“She visited here a few months ago,” Cadance said. She finally decided to move back to her couch. It was unfortunate, because she smelled really good and Eva had the normal changeling funk going on. “I introduced her to Eva. She was very curious, but didn’t make any attempt to do anything but ask questions. Needless to say, she was not surprised in the slightest that you were involved.”

Of course not. “I may have mentioned that you found a way to feed changelings with magic.”

“I’m aware. Unfortunately, it’s a skill I alone seem to have, some benefit of my special talent. She gave me an open invitation to visit her Alpha Hive, an invitation I honestly plan never to accept. She may have changed and she may have apologized, but I will never forget what she tried to do to me and Shining Armor.”

“The hives are beautiful. One day when this is all over, I’d like to take you to Alpha. The lives they’ve carved out for themselves are amazing.”

Her lips tightened slightly, but she shrugged. “I know I’ll be safe if I’m with you and Shining Armor, I suppose.”

“Speaking of, where is he? I figured you’d have him with you in the throne room.”

“He’s… tied up at the moment, I’m afraid. You can probably see him before you have to leave, though.”

“I don’t want to bother him if he’s busy. How have things been going here, anyway? Like I said before, you guys turned this whole place around. I know it had to take some doing.”

“Things have been going fairly well. Shiny took it upon himself to handle and placate the upper nobility and asked that I deal with the common ponies. It’s been working out for us. Every day is a new challenge, but I can’t imagine any of them would be interesting to you. I remember how bored and angry you were when you had to help us right after Sombra was vanquished. I think hearing about what you’ve been up to would be a lot more enjoyable.”

Eva shot up and sat on my stomach, a large grin on her face. “Tell us stories, Navi!”

“I can never say no to adorable changelings,” I said, reaching up to boop her. It made her giggle, of course. I snatched her in my arms again and sat back up. “I guess I might as well start with what happened after I left here the last time. The day after my ship left, Twilight and I got to read a very interesting book…”

I didn’t tell them everything, of course. There was so much to tell and they didn’t need to know a lot of it, like the specifics of what happened in the bunker. When I just mentioned it, Eva flinched and hugged me tighter. I guess she felt my emotions when I thought back to it.

As soon as I finished my semi-sordid tale, Eva hopped down from my lap, only to put her front hooves on my knees and look up at me with her pretty pink eyes. “Navi, can you do me a really really nice favor?”

“Probably. What do you need?”

“An autograph from my hero!”

“Oh, sure. Who’s your hero? I’m sure I can talk to him for you.”

“You, silly! I’ll be right back!” Her wings lifted and she took off. Her horn lit up and she used magic to open the door, then zoomed out of it.

“So why does Eva want my autograph?” I asked.

Cadance looked as confused as I felt, at least. “I don’t know. I mean, you are a hero, but I don’t know why she’d want an autograph. Maybe she can get some lingering love from an object you’ve held and used, or something. I don’t know if you realize how important you are to her, Nav.”

“I mean, I know I saved her life, and the lives of the others with her. And I guess I gave her a place to live and helped her find a pretty good place in the world. Things like that tend to stick in someone’s mind.”

“They absolutely do. Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to ask earlier, but how long do you think you’ll be here? I’m happy to spend time with you, but I’ll have to get back to being a princess at some point.”

“I know, and I’m grateful you could give me any time at all. I told Celestia I wanted to leave around three or so. It’s probably about elevenish now, if I had to guess. I’d be happy to tour the city for a few hours if you end up having to go back to work. I would like to see what you guys have done with the place.”

“I can spare Eva to show you around, though she occasionally gets lost herself. Apparently most changelings have very poor spatial awareness when they aren’t in the hives.”

“That makes sense. They use pheromone trails to get everywhere. Cities like this have either none or very few. As a side note, they also have no sense of smell.”

“I discovered that during a very important party, actually. She thought it would be fun to play with some other foals before and didn’t realize she had a very… distinctive odor.” That made me giggle. “I’ve taken steps since then to avoid issues with it.”

“I haven’t really run into that problem with Doppel, though my nose isn’t anywhere near as sensitive as yours.”

She shivered and her wings twitched. “Yes you have, trust me. Back when I lived with you, she smelled like sex almost all the time. It was torture, especially when I was in heat and Shiny wasn’t there. And when you and the naga started sparring and you didn’t take a shower immediately… Ugh, it was awful. And it was even worse when I started really thinking of you like a brother.”

“Which was definitely shocking.”

“Is it, really? You’ve saved my life several times, Nav. You’re a hero. You’re a good friend. You have so many good qualities, really and truly. A few bad ones as well, but they’re slowly getting smoothed over. In my mind, after so much you’ve done for me and all the times you’ve been there for me, I can really only compare that to family. I never had any siblings, but I think you’d be just like a loving brother.”

“Well… I told you before that you reminded me of my sister.” Her eyebrows shot up. She probably didn’t remember me saying that, because right after I said it, she got super drunk and tried to seduce me. “That’s still very, very true. Hell, that’s the real reason I came here today. I didn’t need a friend, I needed family.” She lifted a hoof to her mouth and her eyes watered up slightly. “That’s why I was shocked. I thought of you as a sister for so long, but I never once figured you’d think of me like a brother.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, then lowered the hoof. Her horn lit up and the table between us moved. With that out of the way, she leapt across the room to hug me. Her horn impaled the couch behind me, but neither of us noticed at the time.

Once we had our moment, she daintily walked back to her couch. Her makeup was now very runny, but I don’t think she regretted it. Her horn lit up and the table slid back into place. When that was done, she smiled again and relaxed. “You never told me much about your family, Nav. Most of what you did say sounded… sad. Can you tell me anything nice about them?”

“I only had one sibling, a twin sister named Jane.”

“A twin?”

“Yes indeed. I see her face whenever I look in the mirror, these days. It’s torture in one way, but… I guess it also makes me feel like she’s still with me.” To see what you lost every day when you step into the bathroom… “I suppose it’s amazing what you can find to fill the void.”

Before she could reply, and I very much think she wanted to, our changeling friend returned. Judging by the pink eyes, Eva was still in control, but her normal smile had been replaced by an uncharacteristically nervous look. She had a full clipboard and a pen flying next to her. “W-will you… sign this, Navi?” she asked, floating the clipboard over to me.

It landed in my hand and I began looking at it. I got to the first word before holding my other hand out. “Pen.” Her eyes went wide and the nervous look disappeared as she passed me the pen. I clicked it and put it on the dotted line, but then looked back down to her. “The others are okay with this, right?”

She immediately nodded, apparently not trusting her voice. That was all I needed, so I signed the adoption papers, officially making Eva my second daughter. I don’t know why she wanted that, but I was completely okay with it. As soon as I handed the signed paperwork back, she tossed it aside and leapt into my arms, crying.

I hugged her and started slowly stroking her back. Cadance caught the clipboard with magic and flew it over so she could read it. Her eyebrows immediately shot up. “My my.” She read more of it and got down to where she saw my signature. “It just needs one more thing.” Her horn lit up and some kind of stamp appeared. She pressed the stamp onto the page, then grabbed the pen from the floor and signed it. “And that makes it officially notarized. You are now… I guess mother and daughter? Well, parent and child, at the very least.”

“Eva, if you want to come back to the ship, you are welcome. Or you can stay here with Cadance. Either way, you will be my daughter. Either way, I will love you.”

“And either way, you will be a noble,” Cadance said. “As Nav’s legal daughter, you are now Lady Eva of the Everfree Forest.”

Eva flinched and looked back at her, tears still dripping from her eyes. “B-but if I’m a lady, I… I can’t be your maid!”

“Correct,” Cadance said with a nod. But she was still smiling, so I figured she had something in mind. “You cannot be my maid, but you can become my lady in waiting. The tasks are virtually the same, but now you can let Poly tell off those hussies that are mean to you because you’re a changeling. Since you are now ranked just as highly, they can’t demand you be punished.”

That renewed her tears and made her start sobbing into my chest. Her horn just barely missed my face and found itself lodged into the hole Cadance made. Welp, guess I have another magic using daughter. And this one can even change shapes. What a life. “Say, Eva…” She sniffled and stopped crying long enough to look up. “How about you show your mommy around the Crystal Kingdom?”

Her face lit up and she jumped off of me and into the air. “I’d love to! Oh, and I can introduce you to all my new friends! Where do you wanna start?!”

“Your room, I think,” Cadance said. “You can show Nav where you’re staying and maybe clean up a little before going out.”

“Not a bad idea. I gotta make sure my daughter is staying in a room good enough for her.” Eva started giggling. It seemed she really liked the thought of me being her parent. “Thanks for the advice, Cadance.”

“I am, and always will be, happy to help, Nav. If you do happen to have extra time here, would you like to see Shining Armor or Skyla? She’s starting to learn to say full sentences!”

“And I bet the first one outta her mouth when she saw me would be ‘I hate you’. I might see Shiny, if he ain’t too busy and I still got time, though. I wish I could stay longer, but I have a meeting tonight and I leave tomorrow.”

“She’ll never like you more if you never see her, Nav,” Cadance replied. “But I’m sure Shiny would be happy to make time. Unfortunately, the time that I was able to make is at an end. If you send a letter the next time you’re in Canterlot for a little while, we can probably make time to visit. I’m sure Eva would be happy to see her sister and I think I might need to have a talk with Celestia, if she’s planning on revealing the truth.”

“Sure. I’ll probably take a short break after I get back from Iceland.” To say goodbye, in case I never come back from Tartarus… “I’ll send you a letter when I get back.”

“Wonderful. Until then, Nav.” Her horn lit up and she lazily teleported away, off to do fancy and official princess business.

Eva immediately gripped my hand with magic and tugged. She wasn’t strong enough to pull me up, but I didn’t waste any more time. “Let’s go see your room, honey,” I said with a grin.

She squeed and zoomed off. I followed at a much more sedate pace. When she realized that she left me in the dust, she moved back and landed next to me, still beaming. Well, up until her eyes turned green. Then the smile dipped a little, but it was still there. “Hey, mom. Long time no see.”

“Howdy, Poly. Or I guess, dear. Not that it’ll change anything, but when I adopted Eva, did I adopt all of you? I don’t consider it a problem, I’d just like to know where the rest of you stand.”

“Yep! We figured it would be a lot easier to keep track of for everyone else.” So I guess I now have five children. So much for never wanting any. “If you don’t want us to call you mom, we won’t.”

“It doesn’t hurt my feelings. How is Mimeo liking being my daughter?”

She smirked. “He said he’s your son, not your daughter.”

“Oh? Those adoption papers said that you were going to become my daughter, not my child. So Lady Ganger and Lady Mimeo are now officially my daughters as well.” That made her chuckle. “I’ll be sure to get Rarity to make each of you new dresses, so you can all fit into your new court life.”

“No thank you. I’m quite fine without frills and lace everywhere, thank you. But putting Mimeo in one would be very amusing. And I’m sure the maids Ganger always chases would love seeing him prettified.”

“Does he ever catch them?”

“Nope. He lacks his mother’s charm.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to teach him the ropes. It’s my responsibility, now. So much to do and so little time… Are you guys going to keep living here or are you going to come back to the ship?”

She sighed and hung her head for a short moment. “We talked about it for a while. Eva wants to go with you. The rest of us think it’s too dangerous. As much as I love seeing the world, I don’t want to see Tartarus. After you get back from there, do you think it’ll get safer?”

“I don’t think it can get worse, so technically. I’ll make you the same offer I made you before, then: If you ever want to come with me, I’ll move the world to make it happen. But if you feel that your place is somewhere else, I’d rather you be happy and feel safe. That’s what’s important to me, Poly.”

“And that’s why you’re our mom now,” she said, pressing up against me.

By the time she pulled away, her eyes were pink again. “So what do you want to see after my room, mommy?”

“Whatever you’d like to show me. I don’t know this city very well. As long as I’m with you, I’m sure it’ll be fun.”

She practically pranced the rest of the way to her room. It was pretty fucking adorable. Her room was also pretty adorable and once again made me realize that I honestly never asked how old she was, at least compared to Taya. The entire place seemed like a preteen girl’s paradise. There were a few stallion-only band posters, a picture of me posed with her and Taya, stuffed animals all over the place, cartoon-esque hearts dotted the walls, I could see spare clothes poking out of her closet, she had her own bathroom, her bed was huge and covered in plush pillows and what looked like a ludicrously soft blanket, and the vast majority of everything was pink.

Oh boy, now I have a goth daughter and a prissy daughter. This is gonna be interesting. “Do you all share this room, or do you each have your own?”

“We all share it! Mimeo loves waking up cuddling his stuffed monkey and don’t ever let him tell you otherwise! And Poly is the one who put up the posters. Cadance told Ganger to make hearts for all the maids, but none of them accepted…”

Ouch. So much for being the charismatic one. “Cadance doesn’t know anything about picking up women. I’ll have to get him up to speed next time I’m in town. Or the next time you guys are in Canterlot. Whichever. And we can see about going to a concert or something as well. I have a lot of contacts in the music industry. We can probably get tickets to anything we want.”

“Oooh, can Taya come?”

“If she wants.” I wonder how she’ll take the news. “Go ahead and get ready. We can talk plenty while we’re out.”

“Yes, mommy.” She trotted to the bathroom and started doing her thing in there. I slowly walked around the room, looking around at all the stuff she had. The place certainly seemed more ‘lived in’ than her room in my house, but I guess we all had a feeling that place would be temporary.

In the end, I found myself on her very comfortable bed. After gently bouncing on it for a moment, I found myself wishing Celestia liked me as much as Cadance apparently liked Eva, because that shit was super nice. Then again, after spending so much time on that airship, just about anything would be nice.

My daughter didn’t take very long to get herself ready, at least. She didn’t put on any makeup, but she apparently had a white sundress in her bathroom that was just waiting to get worn. “It’s gonna be kinda dark out, but that doesn’t bother me!”

“Dark?” I asked.

“Yeah! It’s winter, so the sun almost never shines. It’s just like the hives!”

“Oh yeah. Ready?”

“Yep!” She led the way back out of her room and then into the city, prattling all the while about how she had been and what she had been doing. None of the others chimed in and I kinda started to wonder if she would be ending up as the dominant and only personality at some point. She would lose some of her charm, but it would probably be the best thing for her, realistically speaking.

That was a choice for them, though. Either way, I was happy to spend time with her and see Cadance’s city. The place was doing fantastic. With all the gold going back to the public, the economy was pretty much back where it should be. There were several street vendors out and about, hawking various sundries. The smell of roasted vegetables and fruits was everywhere and I saw a few I didn’t recognize, presumably local stuff that didn’t grow in normal climates. There were a few street performers here and there and we passed one of the random roaming pony songs while she was showing me around.

It was still almost entirely crystal ponies, though. We passed a few unicorns, but no pegasi at all. There were a fairly large number of griffins out and about, but given that griffins were their closest neighbors, it wasn’t too surprising.

Still, even without much in the way of variety in the streets, the city was pretty nice. All the crystal ponies seemed happy, the weather seemed pretty constant due to the big bubble thing, and there was no bullshit sun constantly shining in their faces anymore. It made me kinda sleepy, but not enough to fuck with me too much.

And the best part was the giant crystal statue of me we found in a square. Well, maybe not the best part, but it was a pretty cool part. In it, my fists were raised like I was about to punch someone in the face. I had my typical triumphant smirk on, which is apparently how everyone knew I meant business.

“I wonder how many giant statues I have in my honor now,” I said as I read the inscription.

“There are more?” Eva asked.

“I know there’s one in a changeling hive. As far as I know, that’s all. But I haven’t been back to Egypt in a while and there’s no telling what the monkeys might have done in South America after I left. Or the gorillas in Africa. It always feels kinda weird, seeing myself like this. But I guess I’ve come to appreciate it, in some ways. Being a hero can be very useful.”

Especially when the common people don’t go out of their way to crowd around you and make note of the fact. I was the hero of the city, but no one approached me for anything more than to just shake my hand. I did get a small amount of free food from a few vendors we passed, but nothing too outrageous. For the most part, it was nothing but beneficial. I guess growing up with an extremely dickish and evil king kinda put a damper on hero worship or something.

“Can you take me with you when you and Cadance go to the hives?” she asked. “I wanna see it!”

“Probably. I’ll have to talk to Moonbeam first. Remember, you’re very different from the average changelings and things in the hives aren’t as… normal as they are here.” Her ears fell and she sighed. In a way, I knew how she felt. My homecoming wasn’t exactly the greatest, either. In a way, neither of us really had a home or a family to go back to.

She perked up when I put my hand on her back and the tour continued.

We didn’t go into the library, but apparently it was flourishing now that they had a much better organizational system and scholars from all over Equestria and Gryphonia were coming up north to find books thought long lost.

Needless to say, it was probably the most heavily guarded building in the entire city. Apparently Shiny put all the guards there instead of in the palace so Celestia wouldn’t be able to try stealing any of the books to censor history. Eva was a very common fixture in the library, or so she said. Learning to read was apparently something she always wanted, and when I finally gave her the chance, she took it and ran. Her room would have been covered in them, but the policy for checking out books was extremely strict due to the extra security.

After several hours had passed, I finally deemed that the tour was over. The stupidly hard crystal roads were doing a number on my feet, even through the shoes, and it was probably getting about time for me to head back to Equestria anyway. My newest daughter wasn’t too happy about it, but either she understood or the others talked some sense into her.

It didn’t take us too long to get back to the palace. It was centrally located, super huge, and we were the only people in the air so flying to it was simple. Most palaces had some kind of landing pad for flyers, but this one was built by racists, so we had to land at the bottom and walk in like some kind of dirty peasants. I guess it accomplished the same thing, either way. Eva led me right to the throne room, where Cadance was talking to some random crystal horse about random crystal horse shit.

We stood out of the way until they were done and the crystal pony dipped. When he was heading down the stairs, Cadance stood again. “I was wondering if you were going to make it. You’re pushing your time a little, Nav.”

“I can normally tell when it is by the sun,” I said with a shrug. “Maybe you should put a clock on Sombra’s compensator.”

“His… what?” she asked.

“This big-ass palace sticking straight up out of the city. You can’t tell me he wasn’t compensating for something.”

She lifted a hoof to her temple for a moment before shrugging and lowering it. “I’ve considered putting a clocktower up in the city, but I’d have to either import the mages from Canterlot or hire specialized clockmakers and gear grinders, both of which are outrageously expensive. It will happen, I just haven’t decided when or where. But definitely not in the palace itself, because it would take up far too much room and be way too loud besides.”

“Eh, whatevs. You do you, dawg. But if it is that late, I should probably get back.”

“I believe you have time to see Shiny, if you want. I don’t think it would bother him too much if you just popped in to say hi.”

“Sure, why not? Might as well be polite.”

She smiled and nodded, then looked at my changeling. “Eva, I’m afraid it’s time to let Poly take back over. You’ve been neglecting your duties for long enough, I believe.”

Eva sighed and nodded, then jumped into the air to hug me. I hugged her back, of course. When she finally let go, her eyes were back to green. “I won’t say no to more hugs either, you know,” Poly said with a grin.

So I immediately hugged her again. “You guys hungry?” I asked. “I’d be happy to feed you.”

“We’re fine,” she replied. “And we’d rather get it from Cadance anyway. Taking emotions from your memories drains you, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, probably. But you’re worth it.” When I let her down, she was back to beaming. “I’ll see you guys either the next time I’m in town or the next time you’re in Canterlot. We’ll find something to do, I’m sure.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Maybe by then, we’ll get Lady Mimeo and Lady Ganger some new dresses.”

Cadance gasped. “That does make them ladies! And your daughters! Oh, this is going to be very amusing!”

“Both of them are muttering right now,” Poly reported. “But yes, I think it’s gonna be fun. Eva will be sure to teach them all about making themselves pretty.”

“Sounds adorable,” I said with a grin. And something right up Rarity’s alley. “Shall we, Cadance?”

“Let’s,” she said with a small nod. “I’ll see you later tonight, Poly,” she said. The changeling saluted, then buzzed out a window that was too small for me but just large enough for her. “Right this way,” Cadance said, starting to head down the stairs. I fell in next to her as we walked.

As soon as we were far enough away from the guards, I asked, “So how are things really going here?”

“For once, just about as well as it seems. We did inherit a mess from Sombra, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as we initially thought. Aside from the economy and food, everything seemed to be working really well. Having your soldiers to keep order in the initial days were vital, as were the improvements your minotaur smith helped plan and put into place. Since you left, King Bloodbeak and Princess Celestia have been competing to see who can garner the most goodwill. Queen… Moonbeam would be doing the same, if I would allow her. A large chunk of our infrastructure has been modernized already and most of what remains will be finished in good order. Now that we have food growing in the outskirts of the city, things are going very well and Shiny and I are only expecting them to get better.”

“Any troubles with the nobles? They seemed like snakes."

“That’s because they are snakes. Thankfully, Shining Armor is using a skill he learned from you on them and it seems to be working very well.”

“...Is he threatening them?”

“No, actually. He’s just pretending to be so stupid that he has no idea what any of their sly remarks mean. He takes every single thing they say at face value and makes them feel stupid when they try to be clever. It drives them crazy and they all try to get audiences with me, but we make sure that my schedule is always full.”

“Well, he’s doing me proud. Things still going well between the two of you?”

“Never been better. The stress of ruling our own city has brought us closer than ever before. And we can find some very creative ways to spend time with and for each other.”

I decided not to ask exactly what she meant by that. “Sounds like you guys have a pretty good thing going here. Are you sure you really need my help?”

“We won’t lose the kingdom without it, but we would both be very happy to have you here. You have many talents that rulers find quite useful. And even if you were just here as a friend, I would be happy to have you. At the moment, Eva is the only servant I have that doesn’t treat me like a princess. I never realized how truly alienating power can be.”

“Yeah, that shit can suck hella hard. Why do you think Celestia is how she is?”

“Yes, I imagine a thousand years of loneliness could lead even the nicest soul astray.” Imagine how Athena feels. Or Arachne. Or Discord. “How is she doing, Nav? You said she is going to reveal the truth soon.”

“She… is probably not doing so well.” I reached into a pocket to put my ring on in case she was watching through my eyes. “I’m not supposed to know this at all, but Luna abdicated the throne.”

Cadance missed a step. “Can she do that?!”

“Apparently. Celestia hasn’t told me yet and I’m not going to bring it up to her. And I advise that you not do so either, or mention it to anyone else. She was doing pretty good up until that happened. She seemed very tense this morning. I’m still debating whether or not I want to try talking to her about it yet.”

“Keep your silence. If you found out unofficially, she is likely still reeling and trying to process it. In fact, leaving Equestria soon will be a very wise idea, Nav. It seems that when Celestia loses something, she tries to hold onto all that she has left all the tighter. You are her friend and her lover. I imagine she will be very interested in having you close soon.”

“Hm.” There are certainly worse fates. “The world is turning, Cadance. For the first time in a long time, for better or worse, the world is turning. And like it or not, Celestia is one of the gears that’s making things move. We can either help grease those cogs to see how far the ride will take us or try to jam a stick in them to stop it while we’re facing up. Which option are you going to choose?”

“...After all this time, do you really think rallying behind Celestia is the best option the ponies have?”

“It isn’t about ponies, Cadance. It’s about everyone. As to that, I honestly don’t know. If not Celestia, then who? You’re too new on the scene. Bloodbeak is too old. Moonbeam is too distrusted. Pyrite is eccentric. The cats are unimportant, the sheep are basically a slave race, no one cares about the deer or the cows, the minotaurs only have one city, the dogs are too unknown.”

“There’s always you.”

That made it my turn to miss a step. “Don’t… don’t even joke about that, Cadance. No one wants to follow me.”

“Your crew is the most diverse group of warriors I have ever seen or even heard of, Nav. You’re a hero in every major nation in the world. Moonbeam told me she proposed to you more than once, but you turned her down. Bloodbeak told me he offered to make you a general, but you declined. You’re Celestia’s unofficial consort. You led a successful rebellion against an evil king. You saved the Crystal Empire from another evil king. You saved Equestria from an evil queen. You stopped an eternal war in South America. You helped stop a demon invasion. You’ve done so, so much more, Nav. I think the world would be happy to follow you. The only question is, what will make you willing to lead it?”

I didn’t have an answer to that question. After a few seconds, I decided the conversation was done and I slid my ring off. We continued walking in silence, until I couldn’t help but finally ask, “Where are we even going?”

“Nowhere. We’ve been walking in circles for a little while.” She finally stopped in front of a door and put her hoof on the handle. “Are you really sure you want to see him, Nav?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind. But the way you said that makes me think I’m about to see something I might not need to see.”

“...Remember how I said he was tied up?”

“I don’t think I want to see him anymore.”

She smirked and pushed the door open. I took a look inside. I slowly looked back at Cadance. I took another look inside. When I looked back at her again, her smirk had turned very naughty.

I sighed, walked in, fiddled with a dial on a remote, ignored the accompanying grunt and splatter, then walked back to the door and closed it behind me.

“I would like to go to the teleportation room now.”

“Right this way, Navi.”

“Are you going to tell him what just happened?” I asked.

“Nope! He spent far too long being afraid of you and I wouldn’t want a relapse.”

“...What? He was afraid of me?”

“Oh, yes. For years. It started as fear for his sister, but then he started to fear for his own safety around you. It was actually a problem for a little while and he really wasn’t comfortable letting me stay with you. I don’t know how long it took me to convince him that you weren’t going to do anything. It’s not a problem anymore and I don’t want to make it one.”

“Why the fuck was he afraid of me?”

“...Really? Do you have to ask?”

“Uh. Yeah?”

“Well, before he met you, Celestia briefed him on what happened with the naga. So his first introduction to you was learning that you were from another dimension and destroyed a full camp of bloodthirsty mercenaries almost single-hoofedly and that Celestia hoof picked you for a dangerous mission into unknown lands against unknown enemies, over all of the soldiers and agents he suggested. Then you got back covered in scars and Spike was telling insane stories and you refused to discuss any of it. And then you almost hurt Twilight in front of him. So that was his first introduction to the great Navarone.”

“Not too shabby, all things told. And nothing to really be afraid of there, not really.”

“Then you apparently fought your way out of an entire dragon migration, almost entirely alone and with no magic at all.”

“I didn’t do any fighting at all. I just ran like crazy and hoped for the best.”

“Then you go back to Egypt and defeat two assassins who ambushed you. And you apparently tortured one of them in front of the guards there.”

“Not entirely true, but even if it was, why would that make him fear me?”

“It just showed off your skills even more. Then you embarrassed him by fake assassinating both princesses on the same night, when his security was the absolute tightest, which just showcased your skills even more. Then there was Maris, where you won your first tournament. And as soon as you got back, you defeated Chrysalis, who had his mind imprisoned, and embarrassed him yet again by saving me where he had not only failed, but didn’t even realize I had been missing.”

“That’s still nothing done directly to him, though. I may have embarrassed him a few times, but—”

“Then he found out what happened with the diamond dog miners, how you helped the changelings, his mortal enemies, brutally murder them all. But the start of the true fear was in Gryphus.”

“When I saved your lives against an assassin?”

“When you killed an assassin in front of both of us that neither of us realized was there while pouring blood and seemingly not even noticing. That kind of thing gives most ponies pause, Nav. The next big point was the party in Flankfurt. A lot of things happened there that made him fear you more. The first was how easily you captured the Dogfather. The second was how easily you dispatched many of the Dogfather’s remaining goons in the library. And the third was bursting out of the darkness with a dagger in both hands, slipping through his impenetrable barrier with absolutely no difficulty at all, and attacking him when he felt like he was absolutely and totally secure. Then you went on to win the tournament, getting most kills and tying for the full prize. Alone, I might add.”

“...Alright, I can see why that might make someone nervous. But afraid? Come on.”

“The next big thing was when I mentioned the possibility of a threesome with you. He knew he wasn’t really the best in bed and was horrified that I might use you to replace him as a lover, since you were apparently amazing. I told him time and again that I would never do that and he finally gave me permission to ask. And then you said you would prefer him, which scared him even more. He isn’t into stallions and you terrify him anyway, so when you said you wanted him, he knew he had no way to defend himself if you decided to take him.”

“Okay, that’s just funny.” She gave me a very stern look. “Well, it’s funny to me, at least.”

Her eyes rolled and she continued, “Then you wake up naked in bed with me with no idea what was going on and violently murder two assassins with nothing but a throwing knife, somehow without waking me up in the process.”

“Alright, Imma level with you on that one. I was aware the whole time. Celestia just shrank me to do some really creepy infantilism fetish thing, but it was actually me. I saw them fly in the window, decided they weren’t too much of a threat, and killed them shortly after you fell asleep using my small size and the darkness to hide.”

“...That is extremely disturbing. And in a way, it makes it a lot scarier. I have a lot of questions about that, but I’m going to choose to keep going and do my best to forget what you just told me.”

“‘Kay.”

“The final nail in that particular coffin was the war games.”

“...I can see how some of what I did might make someone afraid of me.”

“Nav, you tore his throat out with your teeth!”

“Hey, I was following a direct order from Princess Luna! Dude straight up brought that one on himself. Seriously, what was he thinking?”

“Ugh. Whatever. When he reappeared in Canterlot after what you did, he was in the process of wetting himself. The only reason he came to your house right after is because he thought it would take you much longer to finish the games. When he saw you at your door looking like you did… It took him months to get over that.”

“...Oh.”

“He started getting better around when Blueblood stabbed you. Luna’s confession was the end of his fear. Before you arrived here to help us against Sombra, I actually heard him quietly wishing you were here. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew you would figure something out. I feel like that was the first time he may have really thought of you as a friend.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.” We continued walking in silence for another few awkward seconds before she cleared her throat. “So uh… Don’t tell him I said any of that. He would be soooo embarrassed.”

“More embarrassed than if I told him what you just showed me?”

“...Please don’t mention either.”

“You got it, sis.” That made her miss another step, but she happily bumped into me on the next one.

We weren’t too far from the teleporting room, so we got there without any more conversation. Before she opened the door to it, she stood on her hind legs to hug me. “It was really good to see you again, Nav.”

“And it was really good to talk,” I said, hugging her warm and squishy body back. “I’ll have to do some more soul-searching, I suppose.”

“And some more heart-searching. I will absolutely keep in mind what you told me, Nav. I am going to hook you up after you beat Discord. So start scoping out targets, because if you don’t give me any, I’ll pick myself.”

“You’d probably pick someone better for me than anyone I could pick.”

“Probably.” She finally dropped the hug and pulled back with a smile. “But sometimes, ponies have to learn what heartbreak is before they can learn what love is. Finding the wrong partner isn’t the end of the world, it just teaches you what you don’t want. So I’ll be happy to help you be with whoever you want to be with for as long as you can stand to be with them.”

“Good enough for me, I guess. I’ll be sure to send you guys a letter the next time I’m around. Just make sure that Shiny’s wearing the appropriate outfit this time.”

She giggled and said, “I’ll commission something special from Rarity. I’ll see you when you get back from Iceland, Nav. Have fun and good luck.”

“Here’s hoping I don’t need it.” Her horn lit up and the door opened. I booped her on the nose one last time before stepping into the room and almost immediately disappearing and reappearing in front of Celestia, who pushed me over and onto a bed before joining me on it. “Hello, Celestia.”

“Hello, Navi,” she happily said before pressing her lips against mine for a moment. “How was your trip?”

“Good. I got the advice I wanted from Cadance, I officially adopted a second, third, fourth, and fifth daughter, and I got to see Shiny.”

“Hm. Do you know the exact moment my clock struck three, Nav?”

“No, but I imagine if you’re asking, it was probably a memorable moment.”

“It was right as Cadance was opening the door to her personal bedchamber.”

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed, Navi…” She kissed me again, this time using a little bit of tongue. “It is good to know that Shining Armor and Cadance are maintaining an active love life,” she said when she finally pulled back. “But it got me to thinking about the question I wanted to ask you, the question I requested when oh-so-generously offering you my transportation services.”

“The question I’ll be oh-so-happy to answer, or discuss. Whichever.” I leaned forward to try to kiss her, but she pulled away. When I gave up, she leaned back in and kissed me again.

Once she was done with that, she smiled down at me and asked, “Where do you see this relationship going, Nav?” Uh oh. “You told me once that you would be willing to give me a chance after your trip was done. As it stands, you seem to be getting very close to a number of mares. Fleur, Captain Midnight, Twilight. Perhaps a few others. If you do not wish to be with me after all, I understand. I have put you through horrible things. But I don’t want to feel like I am stuck waiting for something that you know is never going to happen. I want to know if you are still interested.”

“Well, I’ll tell you right now that Blossom and I are just friends. Occasionally friends with benefits, but just friends all the same.” She rolled her eyes. “Aside from that, though… I don’t suppose you’d take ‘I don’t really know’ as an answer?” As a reply, she kissed me again. “I’m gonna take that as a no.” She kissed me once more. “That’s not a very useful answer, Celestia.” She didn’t kiss me that time. “Alright, here’s the dealio: I legitimately don’t know what I want. I know that’s not the answer you want to hear, but I’m afraid that’s the answer I have. I’ve never been in a real relationship, not a good one. I’m feeling the waters, if that makes sense. I’m seeing what options are available. I do like you, Celestia. I could see a relationship between us working out pretty well. And yes, I do believe we could end up being in love. But at the moment, I don’t know if that’s what I want. I hate to tell you that, I really do. I like being with you and I like being around you. I enjoy spending time with you. But a relationship with you would have issues. I know you know that. And the way things are going, I’m not really sure what’s going to be what when this quest is over.”

“How would you feel if I abdicated my throne, Nav?”

“W-what?”

“I’ve considered it in the past. Tell everypony the truth and then abdicate. Go into seclusion. Just me and a few friends and loyal retainers. Would you still be willing to stay by my side if that is the path I choose?”

“...I’m not interested in you for your power, if that’s what you’re asking. I don’t think you should abdicate, but if you did, I would still be just as interested as I am now. That said, we would have a lot more time for each other…”

“Indeed we would. I would like you to very strongly consider it, Navarone.” She sighed deeply and then pulled herself off of me. “I am about to tell you at least one secret. Nothing of this coming conversation leaves this room, Nav.”

“You got it, babe.” I finally had a moment to look around and I realized we were actually in my room at the palace.

“Discord is the one who put me in power.”

“Oh. I already knew that, actually.”

“...Really?”

“Yeah. I guess I never really described what happened in Athena’s realm. Twilight and I got to act out a lot of scenes in books that pertained to our interests. One of the scenes we got to be in was right after the last battle with Discord against you, Luna, and Moonbeam. We got to see him twist your arm until you agreed to lead the ponies.”

“Huh. And you never thought that might be something you should discuss with me?”

“Dude, I never know how you’re going to react. Remember that time you threw me against a wall for something I didn’t even do?”

“...Fair enough. Anyway, I was going somewhere with that. Discord is the one who put me in power. He did so for a reason. As you said, it is possible and even likely that he has a very long game going on, pulling strings that I never once realized were there. I came to the conclusion that cutting those strings might be wiser than trying to use them for my own ends. It is something that Moonbeam and I have both been considering, actually. We have not yet decided what we will do when the truth is out. One of the options was abdicating.”

“That would be a very interesting choice. Where would you go?”

“I have not decided yet. I would like to go some place where I could not easily be found. Moonbeam and I can provide for a sizeable number of ponies with magic. Feeding her might be problematic, but Discord made her immortal anyway, so it wouldn’t be a problem as long as his magic doesn’t unravel after he is undone.” Jesus, why does everyone have so much confidence in me? “If that is the path I chose, would you consider joining us? Moonbeam and I have agreed to share you, if you would be interested.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that last part.” She shrugged. “I’ll consider it. But I don’t like the idea of leaving the world behind. It would take a whole lot of convincing for me to agree.”

“I understand. We haven’t truly decided that’s what we want to do. Just think of it as one more option in a future full of them.”

“Alright. What about Luna, once she’s done doing whatever she’s doing?”

“...I do not know what plans Luna has for her future. We are no longer as close as we once were, I’m afraid. I do not think she would be interested in joining us, however.”

“Five thousand years is a long time to throw away. I know you’re close to me and you want to be closer, but am I worth estranging yourself from her?”

She turned and walked over to look out the window. “I… asked her to do horrible things for me in those five thousand years. I asked her to become a monster. It took me far too long to realize that a little bit of love and a few encouraging words do not fix five thousand years of psychological torture and one thousand years of abandonment issues. What I did to her is unforgivable. I would not ask her to retire with me, even if you did not accompany us. She needs to find her own path, find her own peace. I hope she will find a place for herself one day, for I am afraid that her place is no longer by my side.”

I hopped off the bed and walked over to put my hand on her back. “What you did may have been unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean she can’t love you anyway, Celestia. She’s still your sister. It should be up to her to decide if she wants to be by your side, not you.”

She pushed me away with a wing and then used magic to push me back even more, onto the bed. When she spun to me, there were tears in her eyes. “She made her choice! And now she can stay there where she belongs, for all I bucking care!”

“...Celestia, what happened?”

She sniffled and looked away. “She… Never mind, Nav. You don’t need to know.”

“I don’t need to, but you’re obviously upset. You already said that nothing we’re talking about leaves this room.”

Her wings sank down almost to the floor and her head dropped down. “Luna… Luna abdicated…”

“Oh. Can she do that?”

“Apparently…”

“Can she… undo that?”

“In theory… but I don’t think she will. I think she no longer wants a place in Equestria. I think she no longer wants to be by my side. I think she knows that she hurt you and she knows that you hate her and she knows that all the ponies fear her. Five thousand years together… gone.”

“Celestia… you lost Luna a thousand years ago. I hate to say it, but she never really came back from the moon. Not really. Even to someone immortal, a thousand years is a long time. It invokes a lot of changes. She stopped being your sister back then. Ever since, it’s just been a stranger wearing her skin. Sometimes, that’s okay. Sometimes, people can reconcile changes like that. But sometimes, they can’t. Sometimes, separation is the best for all parties. I don’t have that kind of history with anyone. I literally cannot imagine it. But when two people change too much, sometimes they just can’t be together anymore. Maybe it’s time Luna walked her own path. Maybe it’s time for Luna to be… Luna, not Celestia’s sword.”

“But that’s what I wanted!” she wailed, looking up and crying again. “I wanted her to come back to me! I wanted her to be herself, not who I willed! I wanted to finally learn who my sister was! I learned my lesson, I just wanted to give her a chance to realize it!”

I took a moment to think of the right way to word what I was about to say. “It’s hard for somebody to be themselves around someone who they think is expecting something from them, Celestia. Five thousand years is a long time. It… cements a personality in someone’s mind. To her, deviating from that would be terrifying. She’d constantly feel like she was letting you down or that you would be judging her. But if she starts new, away from you, she can take time to truly discover who she wants to be, without anyone expecting anything from her. Or to put it another way, you can never truly be yourself around family. You can only be who your family expects you to be. Sometimes, getting away from them is the only way you can truly learn to be yourself. And that is from personal experience.”

She became the third person to almost stab me that day when she suddenly rushed forward and hugged me, crying into my chest. At least she didn’t impale the bed behind me. I just held her and rocked her huge body back and forth, wondering if I would be able to get this over with before I was supposed to meet everyone for dinner. There wasn’t a clock in the room, so I didn’t know what time it was. That said, it couldn’t have been past four yet, so I’m sure I still had time.

I did want to wrap it up quickly, though. Unfortunately, an easy option to do so didn’t really present itself. It was one of those situations where an elemental would have been great. All I had was my shitty self, though, so all I could really do was sit there and get her tears and snot all over me.

Thankfully, Celestia’s a pretty big girl. It didn’t take her too terribly long to get over the fact that she’s an absolute monster that completely destroyed any chance her loving and devoted sister ever had for a decent life. Or at least, it didn’t take her too long to stop crying about it. Once her tears stopped, she was just left hugging me and huddling against my not-so-luscious breasts. I zoned out and slowly started playing with her weird fake hair as we sat together in silence.

“Life is… hard, Nav,” she quietly whispered.

“It’s the hardest thing most people ever do.”

“I just want to lie here… I don’t want to go back to ruling…”

“I’m not in too much of a hurry.” She just sighed and we went back to silence. I zoned back out and just held the princess in my arms, still playing with her airy hair. I can honestly say, I never expected my life would take me here. As I contemplated the sheer absurdity of my life, she slowly drifted off and started gently snoring. Great, now I’m going to be here even longer. God dammit, I need a shrink ray and a baby carrier for all the motherfuckers that just want to cuddle with me all the time.

Thinking about that amused me and helped pass the time until Celestia finally stopped napping on me. When she woke up, she did so with a small flinch, followed by a regretful sigh as she pulled away. “Nav, I… Wait…” She reached a hoof up to her head and grabbed her hair. “Did you… did you braid my mane?”

“Holy shit, I did.” Her hair is usually really animated and flowed like a wave. Now that it was braided, it was still moving, but it moved more like a snake. “Sorry. I’m haunted by a phantom braider. She does that bullshit with everyone who falls asleep on me.”

“Huh.” She let it go and watched it move. “I wonder…” It moved closer to me and then poked one of my boobs. “Oh my. I never thought to…” She slowly looked me up and down before shaking her head. “Later. Although… Do you think you could also braid my tail?”

“Like, right now?”

“No, no. Later. But could you?”

“I dunno. I don’t actually know how to do it myself. The ghost chained to my neck is the one that does it, not me. Flo also knows how, but she isn’t currently in me.”

She leaned in a little closer. “...Really? Flo isn’t in you right now?”

“She is not, no. The advice I wanted from Cadance was related to that.” That made her lean in even more, which made me unconsciously pull back. “Why?”

“And what advice did you seek from Cadance, hm?” Her voice had a very strange tilt to it.

“Whether or not I should let Flo come back.” She picked up just the barest hint of a grin. “Why?”

“And what did you decide from your conversation with our dear Princess Cadance?”

“That I should talk it out with Flo. She has done a lot for me. We’re close. We’ve had problems, but problems can be worked out if both sides choose to do so. So I’ll see if she wants to work on them. If not, that’s that. If so, we’ll work on them. I haven’t decided if she’ll be inside of me when we do. That’s something else we can talk about. Why?”

She suddenly swooped in and kissed me right on the nose, then pulled back and quietly said, “Flo is bad for you, Nav. Those things are parasites.”

“I disagree, but I understand why you think that. But either way, I’m not stupid, Celestia. Drop this now and I’ll pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Nav, please hear me out. I don’t want to make it seem like I want you all to myself.” I rolled my eyes. She lifted a hoof to my cheek. “I want you to be happy, to have what’s best for you. And I think the elementals might not be what you really want. When I first met you, you were so sure in who you were. You wore it like a shroud, something that you would never let leave you. I feel like over time, she completely changed who you were. Is this really what you want, or is it what she wants? I offered once to wipe your mind and make you happy with the world, but you turned me down. Is what she did to you any different? I don’t know what differences you and Flo had, but maybe this is your sign. Use this time to think, now that she is not whispering a siren song in your ear. Are you truly happy with the choices you make now that she is not praising you for making them? If you decide that this change is what you really want, I will be so happy for you. Knowing what you want is amazing and doing it is even moreso. But if your new life seems unappealing to you now, maybe it’s time to leave it behind. I will stand by you either way.”

“...I’ve had my second thoughts,” I sighed, lifting my hand to her hoof and looking away. “Even when she was in me. Relative pacifism feels like a hard thing. I have skills. I know what will work to keep me safe. Why should I try another method that might just hurt me? But I can’t help but feel that it’s the right thing to do. How can I know if that’s a change I like or if that’s just because she wants it to be? I’m trying to keep as open of a mind as I can, but she was in me for a long time. It can be hard to let go, even to the wrong person. I still haven’t decided what I’ll do, unfortunately.”

“Then please, keep my advice in your thoughts.” Of course, it was so much easier to control me when I didn’t have an inner voice telling me not to listen to you. You’re just like your sister.

I decided it wise not to say that. “I will,” I lied. Her horn didn’t light up. She smiled and pulled me in for another deep kiss, then finally pushed me back.

“Thank you for answering my question, Nav. I’ll see you later.”

“See you, Princess.” If she wanted to treat me like that, I would stop calling her by her name. I was hoping she would take the hint.

If she noticed it at all, she didn’t react. She just smiled and nodded before trotting out and collecting her guards. Did she just make them listen to that?

Whatever. I finally walked over to dresser and changed into something more formal. The only meat eating places in Canterlot were fancy and I’m apparently supposed to be a good little lady now.

Once that was done, I took a moment to look down from my window to make sure there were no peeping toms, then jumped out and flew up to the ship. The only one on the deck of the ship was Spike, who was warming up with some calisthenics. I don’t know why, because nobody was going to spar with him in the freezing weather.

As soon as I landed, he looked up and grinned. “Hey Nav. Where you been?”

“I had to talk to Cadance, so Celestia teleported me to the Crystal Empire.”

“Oh, that place is awesome! You should have brought me!”

“Can Celestia teleport you that far twice?”

“...I dunno. Anyway, are you ready for tonight?”

“I think so, aside from it being cold as shit. All my heavy coats are on the ship.”

“Oh, it’s not too bad.”

I looked up at the top of the balloon and shook my head. “Spike, the balloon’s just covered in icicles.” He looked up right as one dripped on him. It turned to steam as soon as it hit him. “You lucky dragon motherfucker.”

He looked back at me and grinned even wider. “You’ll be just like it tomorrow. Looking forward to it?”

“Kinda, in a way. I like going into missions like this, especially with this heavy of an unknown. I think you can get some information about who you are and I can work with the elementals to free Char. If we’re lucky, this will be an easy break before Tartarus in what’s probably a paradise resort for dragons. I don’t want to be away from the ship for so long, but I don’t think I’m going to look back too much.”

“It’s good to see you so optimistic, Nav. Even if it’s… kinda rare.”

“Shut your dick holster, Spike. Now how much longer do we have before this thing?”

“Probably about fifteen minutes. The captain agreed to fly us over the restaurant so the naga doesn’t freeze in the cold.”

“Makes sense. Did we invite Doppel?”

“I forced Gilda to. Oh, and Gilda and Dash apparently went to Gryphonia for us and brought back mead. Dash is going to get a few bottles, but most of it is going to us.”

“Oh boy, this might… get outta hand.”

His head tilted slightly. “What do you mean?”

“The last time the naga had alcohol, bad things happened.”

“I’m sure he’s learned from that,” Spike replied with a shrug. “He’s usually really responsible.”

“His actions are on your hands, Spike,” I warned. “Don’t let him have any.”

“What, you can’t stop him?”

“I could, but I’ll be drinking too. I’m gonna get fucked up. Now I’m going below.” I don’t think he really had a reply to that, so I just went down to my room.

Taya was wrapped up in my blankets in the most adorable way possible. She looked up and grinned when I walked in. “Your bed is so much warmer than mine, mommy.”

“Then we’ll have to get you more blankets.”

“You’d make it even better. You’re always so warm…”

“Maybe tonight, but I’ll be a dragon after that. That said, I’m probably getting drunk tonight, so there’s no telling what might happen.”

“Oh. Is… is it your birthday already?”

“No, I’m quitting that tradition. This is a celebration for the carnivores, for making it so long on an herbivore ship. Predators and omnivores only.”

“But… I’m a pure-blooded predator where it counts!”

“Taya, no you’re not.” She sighed. “We’re going to a place where they bring meat by on skewers and scrape it onto your plate if you’re interested. You aren’t going.”

“Ugh, fine."

"That said, if you'd be kind enough to give me some energy, I'd be quite happy..." Her horn lit up and I was flooded with her loving warmth. "Thank you, honey."

"So where were you all day?”

“In the Crystal Empire. Which reminds me that we have something really important to talk about tomorrow before I leave. Hopefully I’ll remember that after I get trashed tonight.”

“I’ll remember for you, mommy. But something really important shouldn’t wait, should it? You could tell me now!”

“Alright, sure.” I sat on the bed and hugged her, pulling her out of the blankets. “While I was in the Crystal Empire, I adopted Eva.”

“...You what.”

“And Poly.” She suddenly wrapped her legs around me very tightly. “And Ganger.” She started grinding her teeth. “And Mimeo too I guess. They’re all my daughters now.” She immediately opened her mouth, so I said, “They’re your sisters now! Aren’t you so happy to have a sister to conspire with against me? And she’s missing you, too. She was disappointed you weren’t there.”

“I’m the only daughter you’ll ever need!”

And this is why I was going to save this for tomorrow. “But you aren’t the only daughter I have enough love for. Taya, you liked Eva. I know you were sad when she left. She and Cadance are probably going to come to Canterlot when I get back from Iceland. I want you to promise me you’ll give your sisters a chance.” Her grip tightened. “It would mean so much to me.” It stayed tight for a few seconds before relaxing.

“Fine, mommy. But I will conspire with her. I’ll make you regret this in the most loving way possible.”

“I’m quivering in my dress, Taya.” I finally let her go and kissed her on the forehead. “If I’m not back before you go to sleep, you can use my bed. And please remember that I do love you. I just also love Eva. Even if you don’t come to love her as well, at least respect that.”

“...I will, mommy.”

I reached out and booped her on her adorable nose. “Alrighty.” I grabbed a heavy coat and left the room.

As I was putting it on, Gilda came out of her room and walked over. I noticed with a grin that I tried to suppress that her tail was looking… extra poofy. She didn’t comment, thankfully. “You ready, Nav?”

“Yep. Is it time?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna go tell the captain to move the ship. Let the others know to be ready soon.”

“Sure. Naga, Doppel, Kat, Spider, and Spike?”

“No Spider on this one. They got someone to… spidersit him, I guess. Kat figured this party might get kinda… adult.”

“Well, remember that the naga is married. Other than that, everyone else is an open target. I’m not planning on going to bed alone.”

“Tch, Spike’s mine. You can have the ugly knockoff me or the bug.”

Fucking burn. I’m gonna keep that one in mind. “There are always other options. We’ll see what the night brings.”

“I guess.” She finally fucked off to find the captain, so I went down the stairs to get the naga. Thankfully, he was reading another book with Doppel. I was happy to see them finally getting along. “You guys ready to go?” I asked when I stuck my head in the door.

Doppel looked it. She was all dressed up in a cute green dress. The naga actually had a handprint painted around his left shoulder.

“Ready, mistress!” Doppel said, hopping off the bed. “Is it time?”

“Just about. We’re going to move the ship closer so you guys won’t freeze.”

“That is wise,” the naga said, uncoiling. “It is chilly even in the ship.”

“Yeah, it can get drafty,” I said. “What’s up with the handprint?”

“It is how we show availability at festivals. A hand over your left shoulder indicates that you are married. A hand over your right shoulder shows you are single. A hand across your face signifies a widow. There are a few more. I do not have other ways of showing formality in pony lands. This is all I know to do.”

“Cool. And just an aside, there will be alcohol at this party. So before you drink any of the mead, remember what happened the last time you touched it.”

“That was a… different type. But I will be wary.”

“Cool. Head upstairs when the ship stops.”

“See you soon, mistress!” Doppel called as I left.

The ship started moving before I got to Kat’s room. Her door was open and she was combing her face. She was also dressed up, wearing a tight black dress that accentuated her curves in a very nice way. “Just about time,” I said.

“I will be on deck before the ship stops,” she replied. “I have a feeling that tonight will be very interesting.”

“Here’s hoping.” She was good to go, so I finally headed back up to the deck.

No one was on the lower part, but the captain, Gilda, and Spike were at the wheel. I went up the stairs to join them so I could be one of the cool kids. “Shouldn’t be a long flight,” Gourd said. “And the skies are finally clear, so we should be fine to leave the ship freefloating until you guys are done.”

“Excellent. How many people are left on the ship, Gourd?”

“Me, three of the crew, a single squad, technically Jak, Taya, all you predators, and Silver Quill. What are you gonna do about your filly while you’re gone?”

“I’ll give her the option to either stay on the ship or stay here in Canterlot. I can either rent her a place or I can see if she can stay with a friend.”

“It might not be a bad idea to get a house here, Nav,” Spike said. “It only makes sense, with as much time as you spend here.”

“And it would be good for us, too,” Gourd said. “If you get one with a skydock, we can use it as a home base. It’ll be expensive, but it’ll pay for itself over time. Docking fees add up and we can’t move goods through the palace. You can also use it to garrison more troops in between trips.”

“That’s a big investment,” I said. “And it’ll take time to put together. I’ll try to remember to talk to Silver before I go and tell her to get me a list of houses in Canterlot that fit our needs. I guess if I’m going to be a lady now, I’ll need a place in the capital city.” Though it’ll probably be a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

“Dibs on planning the house party,” Gilda immediately said. “The last one was super lame.” I heard a distant howling in the wind that made my skin crawl, but I dismissed it as a figment of my imagination.

“You can plan the private one,” I said. My ears picked up a faint sobbing noise that I did my best to ignore. “I’ll probably have a public one that I’ll let someone respectable plan.”

“Whatever, as long as I get to go first,” she said with a shrug.

“You can duke that out with the respectable person.” It would be interesting to see Fleur try to politick her way past Gilda. It would also be interesting to see Gilda plan a party before Pinkie could.

Kat made her way onto deck shortly after that conversation looking all cute and cuddly. Her thin fur was covered by a light jacket. I guess the layers kept her insulated enough even in the horrible cold. She wasted no time joining us up on the deck. “So Nav’s paying for tonight, right?”

“I thought this was my going away party. Doesn’t that mean you guys get to cover it?” I asked.

“This one’s on me,” Gilda said. “Least I can do for a spot on this awesome adventure boat. Saving the world is pretty fun.”

“Glad someone’s enjoying it,” I muttered.

“And I’m glad that someone else is paying for dinner,” Kat happily said, wagging her tail.

Gourd snorted and said, “Wish I got to go.”

“You don’t even eat meat, Gourd,” I said. “And I’m pretty sure that’s all they actually serve here.”

“No, they do have a salad bar,” Spike said. “Apparently the place was originally founded by a pony and griffin couple. They were sad that there weren’t any places for them to go on a date here in Canterlot, so they came up with this place. It’s pretty much turned into a carnivore only place, but there are still a few mixed race couples.”

“Someone did his homework,” Kat said with a nod. “It’s always good to know the history of the places you go.”

“Yeah, if you’re a nerd,” I said. Gilda lifted a claw up and I pounded it with my fist. The others rolled their eyes.

“And we’re just about there,” Gourd said as the ship started slowing down. “I might be able to teleport Doppel down, but the naga would push my limits. Mysticism was always my weakest school.”

“Doppel can fly,” I said. “She’ll be fine. And the naga will survive a minute or two out here. It’s not that cold.”

He shrugged. “Just offering.”

“That said, you might have to teleport me back up. There’s a chance I’ll leave this party too drunk to fly.”

Gilda hopped up to slap me on the back. “I knew you still had it in you, lady or not!”

Spike scoffed. “Nav’s just an uppercase Lady, not a lowercase lady. Three bits says we can get her to strip down in the restaurant.”

“I’m game,” Kat immediately replied.

“Forcing her clothes off doesn’t count,” Gilda said. “But I’m in.”

Jesus, am I that much of a slut? “This is definitely going to be an interesting party,” I said.

“Wish I could go,” Gourd muttered again.

Cry more. “Learn how to eat meat,” I replied. He continued muttering quietly to himself. It can’t be that boring on the ship, geez.

The ship finally juddered to a halt. “We’re there,” Gourd said. “It’s too cold to be up here. I’m heading back down. Come get me when it’s time to go.”

“Thanks for the lift, Captain,” I said. He lifted a hoof in reply as he walked to the stairs. As soon as he got all the way down, Doppel and the naga joined us on deck. “We’re there, guys. Go ahead and throw the ladder down.”

Kat hopped over the rails to the lower deck and helped the naga lower the ladder. The two of them started descending the hard way. Gilda hopped to the lower deck and went into the ship. The rest of us went ahead and flew down.

I’m not really sure how they got permission to do this, but the restaurant we were in front of was the only building on that street not touching another building. Most of them were built in a neat row, all sharing walls. The one we were going to was painted dark red and styled like a gothic cathedral. It even had stained glass windows, though none of them had actual pictures on them. One doorman stood at the front. His eyes were closed, of course.

Once we hit the ground, I looked up to peek up Kat’s dress under the guise of making sure neither fell. She was wearing nothing under it, so I did my best to watch her carefully. In case she fell, of course.

Before either of them could get all the way down, Gilda joined us with three bulging bags. They clinked with every move she made. Spike took two of them and carefully hung them over his shoulders. As soon as they were ready, I walked over to the doorman, who was facing our group with what was probably curiosity, but it was hard to tell for sure because his eyes were fucking closed. When I got to him, he asked, “Do you have reservations?”

“We do,” I said with a nod. “Spike made them. It should be for six.”

“I made them in your name,” Spike quickly said. “This is Lady Navarone’s party.”

“Ah, yes. We’ve been expecting you.” The stallion stepped to the side and his horn lit up to open the door. We were instantly inundated with the scent of cooked meat. A few ponies passing by on the street quickened their paces and one slipped on a patch of ice in his haste. “Right this way, my lady.”

After checking to make sure we were all accounted for, I led the way into the den of meat. The smell instantly inundated me and at least one part of my body started leaking fluids. I wiped the drool away before anyone could notice and walked up to the hostess, a very cute female griffon.

“You must be Lady Navarone,” she said with a grin. “Your table should be ready momentarily. I understand you have a naga in your party?”

“Yep.” I looked back to the door, where he was just now sliding inside. It was just barely large enough to fit him. “That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“Not a problem, no. He’s just the first one I’ve ever seen come in as a patron. Ever since you reserved a table, we’ve been looking forward to serving such varied and traveled palates. If you have any single problem at all, let me or one of the other hosts know immediately and if you have any suggestions for our chefs, please do the same.”

“Of course.” I guess seeing six out of seven continents kinda does make someone traveled. Though they’ll probably be disappointed in how shitty my palate is.

She made a sound that almost sound like a squee before saying, “We’re gonna learn so much about such exotic diets!”

Alrighty then. I guess we’re a science project now. She rushed off to check on our table, so I turned to my group. They were all looking around, trying to get a mood for the place. We could hear echoes of conversation around us, but there was a wall blocking the actual dining hall.

With the hostess having left, it was just us. Her actual interest in us made me feel like I didn’t want to fuck things up too bad. “I know it’s a lot to ask and I’m not expecting much, but can you guys keep it cool tonight? This is my first outing as a lady and it might be wise to contain ourselves somewhat.”

“Nah, fuck that,” Gilda immediately said.

“You raise a very good point,” I replied. “Let’s have fun tonight.” Spike gently pushed me and Gilda carefully punched my arm. I kinda hoped the other adults of the group might rein me in, but I wouldn’t be too disappointed if they didn’t.

The cute hostess came back before any of them could and said, “Right this way, Lady Navarone.” We all started following as she finally led the way into the actual restaurant.

There were a surprising number of pony only groups in attendance. Given that the salad bar stretched from one end of the restaurant to the other and had tons of stuff that wasn’t actually salad, I could understand that. A few other groups just had token griffins or dogs. One group was just heavily armored dogs. One with a halberd at his side lifted a mug in my direction before downing its contents. A few griffins and unicorns walked from table to table with skewers of meat, cutting off slices for whoever wanted what they had.

The entire place was decked out in dark red colors, probably to disguise any blood that dripped onto the floor from an extra rare dish. All the lights were fairly dim, presumably to add to the whole romantic aspect, even though I think there was only one couple there at the moment, a gay griffin and earth pony mix.

The hostess led us to one of the far corners, a place that was almost completely in the shadows. Everyone in our group could see pretty well in the dark, so that didn’t mean much to us. The entire table was surrounded by a large semi-circular booth. I wasn’t really sure how she was expecting the naga to sit, but he answered that by taking up the one part of the table that didn’t have a booth.

Apparently since I’m the fancy noble who everyone was supposed to protect, I got shoved into the middle, right between Spike and Kat. Gilda and Doppel got the outer layers, because they’re lucky. Not even two seconds after we sat down, a griffin approached us with a huge hunk of meat and a smile on his face.

That set the pace for the night. Various servers with various types of meat stopped by almost constantly to shove stuff on our plates. It was great.

What little I remember of the party was fun. Most of us ate way too much meat and Doppel ate me out under the table to get her fill of lust. All of us except for Kat drank way too much mead. I blacked out shortly after the first bottle, because I’m incredibly skinny and out of practice.

Apparently I ordered Kat to make sure the naga didn’t do anything he’d regret. Doppel passed out. Gilda carried her and Spike carried me back to the ship, since apparently I was too fucked up to climb a ladder or fly.

Kat refuses to tell me what the naga did. I considered ordering her to, but decided against it.

All things told, I considered it about as much of a trainwreck as I thought it would be. So basically, totally worth it.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Four—The Perils of Drinking

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Four—The Perils of Drinking

The morning after was, as far as morning afters go, a pretty fucking shitty one. When my beleaguered mind finally dredged itself back to consciousness, it did so to two separate worlds of pain. The first and worst was my head. The much lesser but still not inconsequential were my lady parts.

I didn’t even try opening my eyes, because I could tell it was bright wherever I was and knowing where I was wouldn’t do me any good until my body was capable of pretending to live again. Instead I groaned and reached out to both sides of me. The way I figured, if my lady parts were aching, there was a pretty good chance I spent the night with at least one someone and they might still be in the semi-soft bed with me.

Sure enough, I didn’t have to reach very far to feel something soft and fuzzy. I poked it a few times before it—or rather, he—grunted. “Get me water, fuzzy thing,” I croaked, trying to sound like something other than a zombie.

“Right here, my lady,” he quietly said, putting something against my lips. It felt like a waterskin, so I did my best to try to grab it before realizing my body wouldn’t cooperate. Instead, I let him slowly drip some down my throat.

Once I had some life fluid in me, I realized what he said and I groaned again. He just called me his lady. Watcher’s gonna fucking kill me. Ugh, at least it’ll put me out of my misery.

When I groaned, he pulled the water back and brushed a hoof against my face. “Are you ready for me to heal you now, Nav?” he asked. I finally recognized the voice. It was Gourd, so at least I didn’t fuck one of the random guards.

“Yeah.” He carefully poked me on the nose with what I figured was his horn and I very quickly started feeling normal again. Still dry and dehydrated, but at least it no longer felt like someone tried using my head to buck apples. Before I opened my eyes, I shivered and said, “Please tell me we’re the only two in this bed.”

“We’re the only two in this bed.” I sighed in relief. “That said, Spike told me they had to drag you back to the ship because you were about a hair’s breadth away from asking a table full of dog mercenaries about twice your size to have sex with you.” I sighed in disappointment. At myself, that is, not that I wasn’t able to have a train run on me by massive dogs. “Gilda wanted to let you, but Spike and Kat thought they would literally split you in half on accident.”

“Did Doppel do it instead?”

“No, she passed out before you left the restaurant. Given what I know about the relations between dogs and changelings, they probably would have literally split her in half on purpose.”

Since I could finally move again, I reached up to clear the crust out of my eyes, then finally opened them to greet the day. The first thing I saw was the waterskin still floating right next to me. I grabbed it and almost immediately drained it.

“Thank you, fuzzy thing.” I started to sit up, but he put a hoof on my shoulder and pushed me right back down. “I gotta say, I admire the enthusiasm, but my honey pot’s feeling a little broken right now. I’m gonna have to take a rain check on round two.”

“Round six, actually.” My eyebrows shot up. “You told me that if I was going to have sex with you, I was going to do it until you literally passed out from pleasure, pain, or alcohol poisoning.”

“Wow. That explains why it feels like I let the whole ship take a turn. God damn, dude. That’s impressive.”

“Thank you. It also means I’ll be spending most of my day in someone else’s bed, because this bed is disgusting and my lower body hurts like nothing you’d believe.”

“Trust me, I believe it full well. Anyway, I got stuff to do today.” I tried sitting up again, but his hoof didn’t move. “So uh… Can you let me go?”

“I’m afraid not just yet, my lady. We need to talk.”

“If it’s about my deplorable behavior last night, can it wait?”

“It’s not about that.”

“Thank god. So what do we need to talk about?”

He finally pulled his hoof back. “I’m going to tell you about my night, starting with when you and the others got back to the ship.”

“Alright.”

“I realized you guys were back because Gilda stuck her head in my room and let off an extremely impressive belch. I didn’t know birds could burp, but she did. Then she asked, in what sounded like a very inebriated voice, if I would kindly… well, she wasn’t actually very kind about it, but she did ask if I would fly the ship back to the castle.”

“Dude, Gilda’s kinda a bitch. Just sayin’.”

“The story isn’t over, Nav.”

“Right, sorry.”

“So I got layered up and went up to the deck. You were hanging on Spike like he was the only thing holding you up, which was probably pretty close to the truth. You were also crying and he was trying to placate you. I’m not really sure what started it, but I think you were trying to tear off your dress.”

“Wow, I guess I felt bad that I made Spike lose the bet.”

“Still not done.” I nodded and let him continue. “I knew I couldn’t just let him deal with that, but getting the ship back to a stable port was a little more important. I didn’t realize it at the time, but Kat and the naga were not on board.”

“God dammit, not again. I don’t remember her drinking any last night, but I know he did.”

“Well, that’s still not the point of the story. As soon as we got moving, Spike literally dumped your crying body on me and went back belowdecks.” I’m going to have to have yet another talk with him about Gilda, I take it. “That’s when I realized what you were crying about and why you were trying to rip off your dress. You kept talking about how it felt so wrong, about how everything felt so wrong, about how you hated wearing dresses and looking pretty and being a girl.”

I felt a pit form in my stomach. “Oh.”

“I couldn’t really deal with that and flying the ship at night in the snow at the same time, so I just made sure you didn’t hurt me or yourself until we got docked. Then I brought you inside and tried putting you in your bed, but your daughter was in there and asleep and I wasn’t about to let her see you like that.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. I brought you here instead, so I could keep an eye on you and try to get you to stop crying. I ended up getting a very impressive list of things from you that you absolutely despise. I started writing it down so I could talk to you about it point by point, but I ran out of paper and then had to reuse what I did have later. It included dresses, being a noble, Celestia, Luna, being a parent, dresses again, having a vagina, periods, skirts, dresses, bras, having boobs, being stared at, wearing dresses, being stared at while wearing dresses, dresses in general again—”

“Yeah, I hate dresses, I get it. So what’s the point of this, Gourd?”

“I’m still not done, Nav.” I sighed and rolled my eyes. “After talking about hating dresses some more, you finally decided that about the only good side of being a disgusting girl was how much sex you could have and about how refractory periods weren’t a thing anymore. And that’s when you went from crying to begging me to have sex with you.”

“Dude, how the fuck did you go from listening to all that to actually agreeing to have sex with me? Did I… I didn’t order you to, did I?”

“No, actually. In one of the only moments of lucidity you had while begging me for sex, you said that you would never, and you said never several times, order me or anyone else to have sex with you, and that if you did, you were preemptively ordering me to nonsexually spank you and then tell Watcher on you.”

“Well… At least there’s that. So did you pity me so much that you actually decided to fuck me?”

“No, I made a deal with you. And since I knew you would try to weasel your way out of it this morning, I reused that paper to make a few contracts that we both signed.”

I smirked. “I was drunk. That contract is meaningless.”

He cleared his throat and continued. “Then I showed you the law saying any contracts signed by the noble and his vassal while the noble is inebriated are, in fact, legally binding. You said a lot of curse words and called me several names, then forced me to get more paper and write up another contract, since I was so clever.”

“God dammit. How many legally binding things did I fucking sign last night?”

“As far as I know? Three. Here’s the last one you made me sign, since you won’t be nearly as upset about it.” His horn lit up and a sheet of paper flew over to me.

I snatched it out of the air and read it to myself.

‘I, Lady Navarone of the Everfree Forest, agree to let Flash Gourd have sex with me until I literally pass out from pleasure, pain, or alcohol poisoning. In exchange, he will provide me with water, healing, and a very thorough explanation of what the actual fuck I did last night.’

My signature was at the bottom. Next to it was a frowny face. He signed it under that.

“You piece of shit.”

“That was the one you demanded, my lady, and I live to serve.”

“Ugh. What were the other ones?”

He floated another sheet over as well and I snatched it out of the air when it got close enough.

‘I, Lady Navarone of the Everfree Forest, agree to tell Flash Gourd exactly how I really feel about dresses, being a noble, Celestia, Luna, being a parent, having a vagina, periods, skirts, bras, having boobs, being stared at, wearing dresses, being stared at while wearing dresses, and everything else that is upsetting me. I will be the perfect friend and burden him with every single one of my problems. In exchange, he will have sex with me. If I break this contract, I solemnly swear to become Sunshine Smiles’s sex toy.’

Our names were signed at the bottom. Mine was almost illegible, but it was definitely my handwriting.

“You fucking piece of shit.”

Before I could tear the thing apart, he quietly said, “I made several copies of that, by the way.”

“What the fuck kind of bullshit law is that? I don’t believe you!”

“I thought you’d say that, assuming you didn’t remember any of it.” His horn lit up again and a very large and heavy book floated over. “Watcher and I have been doing research on laws governing the relationships between vassals and their nobles. We have a lot more rights than we initially realized.” He flipped the well-worn book open to a marked page. “Read it and weep, Nav.”

The passage in question was highlighted. It explained exactly what the law was and that he was absolutely right. “Why the fuck is this a law? How is this fair?”

“Look at the name of the law.”

I did so. It was called the Noble’s Punishment. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Turns out some nobles back in the day used to get really messed up on salt and order their vassals to do really stupid and dangerous things. This law was put in place to curb such behavior.”

“That… is kinda fair, I guess.”

“I’m glad you agree, my lady. So please, burden me with your problems.”

Is it bad that I’m considering going the sex slave route? No one answered me, sadly. “I’m afraid I don’t have any, Gourd. No deep dark secrets here. Just too much alcohol. I don’t really mind any of that.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “You remember how I said you signed three legally binding documents last night?”

“Oh my god, I am never touching booze again!”

He sheepishly smiled and floated the last of the three documents over. I let him hold it in front of me with magic this time.

‘I, Lady Navarone, declare that I do, in fact, hate dresses, being a noble, Celestia, Luna, being a parent, having a vagina, periods, skirts, bras, having boobs, being stared at, wearing dresses, being stared at while wearing dresses, and several other things. If I deny having any problems or hating any of these things after being shown this contract, I solemnly swear to wear whatever Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, or Doppel decide for the rest of their lives.’

Once again, we both signed at the bottom.

I slowly looked up from the document to his smirking face. “Fuck you, Gourd.”

“I worked with pirates for a very long time, my lady. I know how to play this game.”

“You know that these contracts prove you guilty of rape, right?”

“You were literally begging me for sex.”

“While inebriated. That’s rape, where I come from.”

He rolled his eyes. “Either way, this contract is also legally binding. So when you have me arrested, you better come visit me in jail to tell me all about your problems. Otherwise, you and Smiles are going to be getting a lot closer.”

God dammit. This motherfucker right here… “Why the fuck do you even want to talk about this, Gourd? You have plenty of your own bullshit to deal with. You don’t need any of mine.”

“Do you know why I became your vassal, Nav?”

“Because you wanted my hot human vag?”

He blushed ever so slightly. “Do you know why else I became your vassal, Nav?”

“...Because you wanted my hot human ass?”

“So I could try to get you to open up to me.”

“Open up my hot human legs?”

“Ugh, no! Well, yes, but mostly no!” He sighed and massaged one of his temples for a moment before shaking his head. “The day you saved all of our lives is the day we had all resolved to die. We knew that we were up against a pony ship and we knew their magic would have made short work of our ship without us on it. So we decided that we would rather die than capture another pony ship. We were going to go up on that deck and let ourselves be killed. We had hopes at least some of our foals would be rescued, but we decided it would be better for them all to die than to be prisoners of those monsters.”

“Oh wow.”

“You saved us, Nav. You saved our foals. And doing so hurt you. You had already been through so much and helping us just put you through more trauma. But you wouldn’t let any of us help you. When Princess Celestia offered to set us up anywhere in the world, we all asked to move to Ponyville. She declined, but offered to give us a very nice deal in Canterlot instead.”

“Why wouldn’t she let you stay in Ponyville?”

“She didn’t say.” Typical. “But every day we were in Canterlot, we debated when we would go visit you. Thankfully, the princess remembered us when you had to go to Gryphus. We were overjoyed to see you, and yet… you seemed more broken than ever.”

“Yeah, I went through some shit…”

“When you showed up on my boat to commission me, I had honestly given up hope again. You saw what I was doing to myself. The way I figured, if you let the world break you down, how could I ever stand a chance? But then you came back and you needed us and I knew I would let nothing stand in the way of helping you. I stole, swindled, lied, and cheated to get the parts I needed to make this ship what you needed it to be with the budget I gave you.”

“Why didn’t you just ask for more money?”

“Because you said that was pushing what you had and I wasn’t going to do anything to burden you.” Oh. “Watching you change on this journey has been more than I could have ever asked for, Nav. Helping you like this is a dream come true for me and all of my crew. But we all know the darkness is still there. We know you’re having problems. We know this is affecting you in ways you refuse to talk about. We have always wanted to truly help you, but you never gave us the chance. So as soon as I knew I could tie myself to you, I did. And as soon as I saw the chance to force you to open up, I took it. I know you’re angry and I know you don’t want to talk about any of it, but you don’t have to hide behind toughness or words anymore, Nav. I have the law and righteousness on my side and there’s nothing you can do about it. So take your defeat with a spoonful of sugar and then start talking, because I’m not going any-damn-where until you do.”

I slowly ran a hand down my face. “I have really important things to do today, Gourd. I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

“Oh, I didn’t think you considered finding Smiles that important. But if you think so…”

“Ugh. God, can I just order you to put a pin in this?”

He lifted a hoof to his chin for a moment before tilting his head and lowering the hoof. “I’ll allow you to tell me about just one of the things you hate today.”

“I hate people who force me to talk about my problems.”

He shook his head. “No, no. Specifically, one of the things on our contract. If you don’t pick one, I’ll pick for you.”

I sighed dramatically and grabbed the contract again. My eyes immediately picked one name out. “I hate Luna because she raped me and stabbed me in the chest with a horn. She also tried to murder me a few times and she tried to use love poison on me once. Oh, and she made all the ponies have sexual dreams about me.” He rubbed the back of his neck again and looked away. “Yeah, I bet you remember that, don’t you?”

“Those dreams… probably turned a whole generation of stallions bi…”

“Trust me, I know. So yeah, that’s why I hate Luna. Well, some of the reasons. Now can I finally fucking go?”

“You may leave, my lady. But I’m keeping these contracts well protected and we’re going to have a nice, long conversation when you get back from Iceland.”

“Tch. Maybe I’ll get lucky and die there, then.”

“You know what? I think I’m gonna start a list of everything I find out you hate and ask you about each and every one of them. I think I’ll start with how much and why you hate talking about your problems.”

“Oh yeah, I’m definitely gonna do my best to die there.” I finally slid off the bed and winced when my feet hit the floor. I’m gonna be walking funny today. When I looked around for my clothes, I found… nothing but panties. “What did you do with my clothes, dude?”

“You made me disintegrate the bra and the dress. I think the coat fell off in the hall on the way here.”

“You didn’t destroy these, though?” I asked, holding up the lacy panties.

He shook his head. “In one of your other lucid moments, you said you actually liked panties. I don’t know if you meant wearing them, seeing them, having them, or touching them, but you didn’t hate them and didn’t ask me to disintegrate them.”

Well, shit. That’s one set of semi-fancy clothes gone forever. Rarity’s gonna be pissed if she finds out. “Whatever.” I didn’t even bother putting them on. The ship was mostly empty and everyone left on board had probably seen me naked or wanted to see me naked, so I just walked out in my birthday suit. Hell, as far as most ponies were concerned, wearing panties was more lewd than wearing nothing anyway, so they could all suck my clit.

The only one in the hall was motherfucking Amber Night. As soon as she looked up from what she was doing, I swear to god her nose started bleeding. After dying a little more on the inside, I smiled and waved. “Good morning.” She stammered something incoherent as I walked past and ran my hand down her back. She continued squeaking and trying to say something right up until I got into my room and closed the door.

Taya was somehow still asleep. I couldn’t help but wonder how I woke up before her even though I literally passed out the night before, but I wasn’t about to look that gift horse in the mouth. I had dried cum all over my back and stomach, which made me really regret never giving the captain a chance before. But it wasn’t something Taya needed to see and it was disgusting besides, so I grabbed a towel and went to take a shower.

Amber Night was still in the hall. She blushed very hard when she saw me and redoubled her cleaning efforts, trying as hard as possible not to look at me again.

By the time I was physically clean, the halls were empty. I walked back to my room in peace. Taya was still asleep on the bed, wrapped up all comfy-like in the blankets. I wish I had a camera so I could leave a picture of it in my journals, but resolved myself to just adore the moment instead.

Then I remembered that I had shit to do and quietly got dressed.

As soon as I was ready to greet the day, I let myself back out and walked down to the naga’s room. Kat was just easing the door shut behind her on the way out. She pulled it shut and stopped when she saw me. “He’s finally asleep.”

“What the hell happened to you two? Gourd said you didn’t make it back to the ship.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “The naga wandered off. He didn’t take your warning about the alcohol very seriously. I followed and made sure he did not freeze to death.”

“So what actually happened, then? Did you two just get back?”

Her eyes flashed blue for a moment before she shook her head. “I don’t ever want to talk about it, my lady. What happened to you?”

“...I also don’t want to talk about it. Neither of you got hurt or in trouble, did you? That’s all I’ll ask.”

“We did not.”

“Cool beans, fam.”

“...What does that mean?”

“It means good, my friend.” She mouthed the words, as though committing them to memory, and then nodded. “Get some rest and report to Fleur. Pack up everything you need, because the ship might not be staying in Canterlot. You can take Spider if you want.”

“As you command, my lady,” she said with a cute curtsy. “Should I bring weapons?”

“If you think you’ll need them. Please don’t hurt anyone unless you really have to, though. Grab the ring from my room if you want, but do not lose it.”

“As you wish. Did you ask if Fleur would let me compete?”

“I did. She said probably.” Kat actually squee’d and hugged me, purring slightly. It was super adorable, so I hugged her back and just barely stopped myself from petting her.

Once she was done, she pulled back with a large smile on her face. “Thank you, my lady. I won’t let you down!”

“Baller, dawg.”

She suddenly looked very confused. “I’m a cat, not a dog.”

“It’s another human thing. That means good, my friend.”

She slowly shook her head. “If you say so… Anyway, I’m gonna go get some sleep. I’ve had a long night.”

“Sweet dreams.”

“I hope so,” she purred as she walked past me.

I thought about checking on the naga, but decided not to risk waking him. Instead, I poked my head into the room across the hall, Twilight’s new lab. No one was present. I didn’t figure anyone would be, but I wanted an excuse to let Kat get up to her room so it didn’t feel like I was just awkwardly following her.

Once it no longer felt awkward, I went back up to my room, where Taya was still just slumbering away. I popped the gene-locked chest open and pulled out everything but the laptop, then closed it again. There wasn’t much in there that anyone else might need, but there’s no telling how long the trip to Iceland would take and I didn’t want to take chances.

That done, I wandered up to the deck to see if anyone else was up and about. I realized the error of my ways as soon as I opened the door and realized it was probably below freezing. A quick look around determined that no one else was there.

After the feast the night before, I wasn’t any kind of hungry, so I elected to go back into the ship instead of bothering Celestia at breakfast, assuming she hadn’t already eaten. That said, there were still some people on the ship I needed to talk to, so I went on down to the ship’s kitchen. I figured I could find someone there. Sure enough, Sunny was doing her thing, stirring a large bubbling pot of what smelled like vegetable stock.

Her attention was on that, so I said, “Morning.”

She turned her head to look at me and smiled. “Hello, my lady. How was the party last night?”

“Probably fun, but I don’t remember much of it. Do you know if Silver Quill or Spike are awake yet?”

“I know Silver is. She’s always an early riser. Gilda wandered down here looking like a zombie a few minutes ago, but I don’t know if Spike was with her or if they’re even awake now. All she got was water.”

Figures. “Then I’ll deal with Spike later.” The fucking bastard. “Thanks, Sunny.”

“Before you go, are you hungry? I’ve just been cooking to order since there are so few of us left on the ship, and I’d be happy to make you something.”

“Nah, but thanks for the offer. I ate way too much last night and I’m still feeling it.”

“Well… okay, as long as you eat lunch before you leave today. Taya always asks if you’ve eaten and I always hate telling her no…”

“Have you considered… lying?”

She flinched back in shock. “No! I would never stand in the way of a daughter making sure her mommy is well. Especially when said mommy is also my lady and savior!”

“Oh. Have you tried telling her the bad news in a good way?”

“Also no. Usually I just tell her what you like and dislike the most so she can make sure we get more of what you like later and less of what you dislike. I think she’s slowly working your favorite foods out so you’ll never have any excuses not to eat.”

“I don’t know if that’s cute or creepy.”

She shrugged and turned back to her broth. “I gave up trying to figure it out. Have a good day, Nav.”

“You too, Sunny.” Her tail flapped, so I wandered down the hall to the room Silver Quill took over. The door was open and she was not present. The only place I thought she might have been was in the planning room, so I went back to deck to brave the cold to find out.

Sure enough, she had a few dozen pages spread out on the table and was looking through them. A well-used abacus was sitting next to her. She was so engrossed in whatever she was doing that she didn’t even notice when I walked in and closed the door behind me.

“So how rich am I?” I finally asked after watching her work for almost a minute.

She squeaked when I spoke up and almost fell backwards out of her chair when she flinched back. Her very wide eyes stared up at me beyond a small pair of reading glasses. When she realized it was just me, she sighed in relief and floated the glasses off. “What was that, my lady?”

“I was asking how rich I was.”

“Ah. In layman’s terms? Very. But even now, I’m still trying to figure out exactly how rich. I know how much you have in the bank, but determining the values of your properties, assets, and items is a nightmare. There’s no legal precedent for any of the magic artifacts you have and the changelings don’t have any records of how many gems are in the mine you have majority ownership in. I’m probably going to have to go there and try to find the foreman. They also didn’t keep any records of what all went into constructing your house near the Everfree, so I’m probably going to have to find a building appraiser and have it inspected. There is a high chance that I will need an apartment in Canterlot soon so I can have time to determine some of these numbers.”

“Then I have good news and bad news.”

Her body seemed to deflate and her ears drooped down. “You… you’re replacing me…?”

“Um. No. Jesus, Silver, I’m not planning on firing you. I know I’m asking a lot and I know none of it is easy. You’re doing a good job with very limited information and you’re really helping keep my life simple. You don’t have to worry about your job.” She has some self-esteem issues, I swear. That got her ears to perk back up, at least. “The good and bad news is that I’m thinking about getting a large house in Canterlot to use as a home base. It’ll need enough rooms to house the crew and my soldiers and it’ll need a place we can dock the airship and move goods. I want you to keep an eye out for places like that. You’ll probably be staying there whenever the ship goes anywhere, along with a few guards and maybe a servant or three.”

“Oh, I can do that!”

“Cool beans.” Her head tilted. “That means good.” She nodded. “If the ship leaves and you need a place to stay in Canterlot, ask Sunshine Smiles. His family owns a really fancy hotel here. If he can’t get you a place for free, let Gourd know and he’ll hook you up with the bits to stay wherever you need while the ship is gone.”

“That’s no problem, I have the money to—”

“You have the money to do whatever you want with it, Silver. I am asking you to stay in Canterlot and do this for me, so I will pay for it. And it’ll be the same once you pick out the house. You’re free to get your own place if you want or you can stay in my place.”

She stared at me for a few seconds before her ears drooped again and tears came to her eyes. She lowered her head to the desk and started actually crying. Oh hell, what did I do this time?

Before I could go over there and try to hug her or whatever, she looked back up, staring at me with wet and red eyes. “You’re the b-b-best e-employer ever!”

That’s kinda sad. “Thanks. I think. Should I get some comment cards so all you guys can leave anonymous reviews?”

At least that made her smile again. She sniffled and said, “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Good. I probably would have made you get them anyway.” And that got her to giggle. “I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving today, but if you need any more information from me, I suggest getting it soon. I’ll probably be on the ship for a little while, so I should be easy to find.”

“Of course, my lady,” she said with a nod, her tears mostly forgotten. “I believe I have everything I need, though.”

“Dope as heck, bro.” She slowly lifted an eyebrow. “That also means good.” She nodded and I finally went back belowdecks.

Since Taya was still probably being lazy, I grabbed a few full waterskins and took them to Doppel’s room. Everyone else had people to care for them in the morning, but she was left by herself. As far as I knew, she had never gotten super drunk before so she had no idea what was coming for her. I had no idea if changelings could get hangovers or not, so I erred on the side of caution and brought her four full waterskins.

When I got to her room, she was still passed the fuck out. Thankfully, whoever dumped her on the bed dropped her on her side, though I’m not really sure changelings could vomit. I quietly set the water on the nightstand and then moved her trash can next to the bed. She didn’t even flinch the entire time, so I had a feeling she would be out of it for a while.

As I walked to the door, a haunting thought came to me. Can changelings even metabolize alcohol? I slowly looked back at my maid and watched her for a moment. She was breathing, but it was very slow. I nodded and finished walking out.

Since I didn’t have anything else to do until Spike dragged himself out of bed, I finally went back to my room. Taya was still asleep, but I didn’t care anymore. I just grabbed the laptop and joined her on the bed. She woke up long enough to realize it was just me, then she cuddled up against me and fell back asleep as I started dicking around.

It took her another hour or so to wake up naturally. She did so with a big ol’ yawn, followed by hugging me around the waist and putting her head in my lap. I closed the laptop and pet my daughter, making her shiver in delight.

“How was the party?” she finally asked.

“Fun, I think. I only remember the first half hour or so.” A few blurs came back to me while I was on the laptop, but I knew most of the night would be gone forever. “The naga got drunk again and Kat took care of him. Doppel passed out before we left. Spike carried me back to the ship, then dumped me on Gourd to have sex with Gilda.”

“My night was better. I fell asleep. It was nice.”

“Lucky you,” I said, booping her on the nose.

She grinned and rolled over, presenting her belly. “What time are you leaving today?”

“Haven’t decided yet. It’s going to require Twilight, Gilda, and Spike, so it’ll be some time after they all wake up. Gilda was apparently out of bed a few hours ago, but I don’t think she was in any condition to fly. But I definitely wasn’t going to leave without talking to you first.”

“Good.” She finally rolled back over and hopped down. “I’m gonna go get breakfast, mommy. Are you going to join me this time?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll probably be in here if you want to join me again, though.”

“I’ll be right back.” She trotted off down the hall. I popped the laptop back open and went back to rotting my mind with stupid bullshit.

About twenty minutes later, she came back in floating two plates of food. As soon as she got inside, my ring floated off the nightstand and tied itself to her mane. “I brought you breakfast, mommy,” she happily said, flying one of the plates to me. I noticed that there was nothing but stuff I liked on there.

I took a moment to eye the ring in her hair and realized I could either feed myself or be fed. That in mind, I decided to close my laptop and take the plate. “Thank you, dear,” I said, trying to sound grateful instead of angry. She happily nodded and joined me in eating.

When we were done, she floated the ring back to my nightstand, took the plates, and dipped. As soon as I couldn’t hear her hoofsteps anymore, Aerie made herself known by quietly giggling. “She’s so sweet and protective, isn’t she?” the air asked.

“Yeah, she sure is. Do you need something, Aerie?”

“I do not, no. But Blaze would like to speak to you. Alone. He is on the deck. Would you care to join us?”

“It’s not alone if you’re there too, you know.”

“Don’t be silly, Navi! I’m neutral. Blaze may be a lovely and warm fire, but you freed me. I shall be the mediator!”

Oh boy. “Let me grab my coat.”

“No need!” I felt her surround me and then the air around me picked up heat. “I’d be happy to keep you warm in your watery owner’s absence.”

I closed the laptop and stood. “Whatever, I guess.” She just giggled again, so I walked back out and then up to the deck. Sure enough, Blaze was waiting there, his arms crossed. Occasional droplets of water from the icicles on the balloon hissed when they hit him, creating small and temporary craters in his body of fire.

“Greetings, human,” he said in a tone that almost sounded respectful.

“Hello, Blaze,” I cautiously replied. “Aerie told me you wanted to talk.”

“That is correct. My behavior after being rescued was improper. That said, I am not the type to apologize. I merely ask you to take my stress under consideration while you think about my offer.”

“Okay.”

“Become a host to me or my brother that you seek to rescue instead of your water.”

“...I’m going to have to ask you why, Blaze. The waters told me that fire hosts don’t tend to last very long.”

“The waters told you many things, Navarone. How far do you feel that you can trust them? You know what Mist did to me. The… severity of that incident may be isolated, but I guarantee you that all of them have that madness in them. They will go to any length to do what they think is right, regardless of what effect it has on the ones they proclaim to love. I’m sure you’ve seen it yourself, human. How has your relationship with your water gone? How has this Flo treated you? And what does she say in rebuttal even now?”

“Flo has… changed me. There was a time I was certain those changes were something I chose. But these past few days have made me wonder. How much of someone’s personality is them and how much of it is something other people imprint on them? And how can I tell if these changes are something I decided or if something Flo did to me?”

“That is simple, human. What makes you happy?” I couldn’t stop myself from barking a laugh. “What?” he growled, almost instantly becoming irate.

“I never thought I’d hear you say the word happy nonsarcastically.”

“You have been listening to too much water propaganda. Fire elementals do, in fact, care for our hosts. They are our battle brethren, our shock troopers and our clansmen. We do not micromanage their lives with impunity like the waters. We do not seek to change what we see as imperfect. We bolster individuals with our strength. We turn powerful fighters into hive-minded killing machines that are capable of receiving and following orders across entire battlefields at the speed of thought. That is why you should become a fire host, Navarone. My brother or I would turn you into a sister of battle, a true force to be feared. I believe that will be a great boon when we seek to find Nestorats. And we can undo whatever damage the waters may have done to you.”

I took a moment to think. While I was doing so, Aerie caressed my face and began whispering, but I had no idea what she was saying. It was kind of eerie, but I never felt comfortable around her anyway, so it didn’t bother me too much.

“You fought waters in the war, Blaze. Would they brainwash a host? Would they forcefully change violent beings into peaceful ones?”

“Navarone, Mist locked me onto an island in an attempt to do exactly that. She sought to tame me and make me hers. As I said, I was an extreme example, but that tends to be how waters work. They eradicate traits they find distasteful. If their host refuses to change on their own, the water will oftentimes take matters into their own hands. I’ve seen freed prisoners that were honorable soldiers turned into… peacemongers within the span of a year. Brave warriors turned into cowards, all through mental manipulation. Most of them did not even realize how far they had changed until we saved them. Water elementals can manipulate the brain much more deftly than any other elemental. It is very easy for them to subtly release dopamine when you do something they like and cause you stress and anxiety when you go against their wishes. When they put their minds to it, they can slowly change someone until nothing is left of the original but what they consider a bad memory.”

“That is literally terrifying.” I wonder how true it is. And if it is true, I wonder if Flo did it to me.

“The kobolds you saw on the island were once all subjects of fires. They are a very warlike and carnivorous race, by default. But several water elementals captured and enthralled entire tribes of them, turning them from their violent tendencies to a life of peace. Their minds were so far gone that they felt happiness in their broken lives. That is what you risk when you side with a water, Navarone. Peaceful bliss, trapped in eternal happiness, living a life that is not your own. Truthfully, I am surprised the water inside of you is not defending herself. Most despise the truth and will refuse to let any of their hosts hear it. That is why I waited until they were all gone to make my offer.”

“Flo is… not currently inside of me.” He slowly leaned forward. “The other waters realized that she was getting a little bit too controlling and asked her to take a break from me while I was in Iceland.”

“This may be your only chance at freedom, Navarone,” he slowly said. “If you accept my offer, we will protect you. We will restore to you what was stolen.” He reached out a fiery hand. “What do you say, human?”

I looked at that hand for a moment, still thinking. Finally, I came to a decision. “Aerie, you said you are mediating, right?”

“That is correct, my lovely little human.”

“I will use Iceland as a test. I will be Blaze’s host on a trial basis. After all, being able to communicate with the ship and Canterlot might be important. I’ll decide what I want after Iceland. I want you to hold us both to that.”

“As you wish, Navi,” she said with a not-quite-so-cute giggle.

That didn’t really make me feel any better about this, but I tenderly reached my hand out and grasped Blaze’s. He grinned and a wave of fire shot across his hand and into mine. It burned for an instant before jumping inside of me. Once inside, I felt it dig through my veins, tearing at my organs before settling as an intense heat in my head that slowly pounded down to a small heat.

“You made the right decision, Navarone,” he said both in person and in my head. He shook my hand once before releasing me. His head tilted slightly. “You have a very interesting mind, human.”

“Don’t get too comfortable, Blaze,” I said. “And don’t go rooting around where you aren’t wanted. On the off chance this isn’t permanent, I’d rather you not know everything I know.”

“Hmph. So be it. But it will be difficult for me to detect anything your previous elemental did to you unless I am free to look where I please.” I felt the heat in my brain retract to a single point that settled in as something of a dull ache.

“We’ll see how I feel later.”

He rolled his eyes. “As you wish. The pain will recede in time. I guarantee that you will find me a much better match than the waters. If you ever want your wings to be normal again in a timely manner, I suggest finding a way to contact my brother while he is still trapped, assuming he is in a volcano like I was. If he can make you a host as well, you could cut your wing off and have it halfway grown back before the old one hits the ground.” Gee, that would have been really nice to know before I freed you. “Do not forget that I am in your head now. I will not punish impudence as a water would, but that does not mean I would not like respect. The relationship between a host and an elemental is very symbiotic and requires mutual support and respect. I assumed your water would have taught you that, at the very least.”

“It was kinda hard to teach me much when she was too busy slapping me and molesting me.” He flinched back in shock and I thought I heard Aerie gasp.

“She… actually hit you?” Blaze slowly asked. His flames slowly began picking up heat, going from red to orange.

“Yeah. Is that not common?”

“It’s not!” Blaze immediately replied, his entire body immediately turning blue and making me take a step back. “And it’s abhorrent! Hosts are defenseless against their elementals. Striking one is akin to striking a baby.”

“And she… touched you?” Aerie asked, very lightly grazing the crotch of my pants.

“Usually only when I asked, but there were several times she did it to punish me.”

That made Blaze turn white hot, which forced me to back up yet again. I couldn’t feel the heat around Aerie, but I still didn’t want to be too close. “I will have a conversation with your ex-elemental, human,” he growled. It sounded like he was about to go on a rampage, so I decided it might be a good idea to stop talking about Flo. “Do not defend her, Navarone. She will reap what she has sown. As soon as you give me leave to fix what she has defiled, you will realize that it is for the best, regardless of what you might still feel for her.”

“Yeah, but you’re burning so hot right now that I’m worried you might catch the ship on fire. I was just going to change the subject so that hopefully wouldn’t happen.”

“Ah.” I felt Aerie leave my body and surround his. She started whispering again, though I still had no idea what she was saying. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t feel any chill in the air at all. “That is one of the perks you get from a fire elemental, Navarone,” he said as his body slowly reverted to its normal red. “You will no longer feel hot or cold.”

“Cool.”

“No, not cool. I literally just… Oh. I see its meaning in your mind now.”

“Anyway, I totally would cut off my wing and let your brother heal it, but I’m going to be a dragon. Chopping it off wouldn’t do me any good.”

“That is disappointing, but no matter. There will be time later, I’m sure. Another benefit of my kind is that we heal as quickly as demons corrupt. You will not need to worry about further corruption while in Tartarus. Though I do not know if your body could corrupt any further.”

“All the same, I’d rather not risk it.” That said, don’t forget that this is currently a trial basis.

“I will not,” he replied only in my head.

“I think I’ll be heading back below, unless you need anything else,” I said aloud. “Now is feeling like a good time to head to Iceland.”

“Then I shall let you be on your way,” Blaze replied. “Though I will leave you with a warning. Be very wary of letting the waters know you are now my host. That includes their hosts among the crew. I fear they would… not handle it very well.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. I’m already looking forward to that conversation, trust me.” He snorted and left without further ado, taking Aerie with him.

As I walked back down into the ship, I couldn’t help but wonder if I made a mistake. I knew having Blaze in me was the only way I’d be able to communicate with Canterlot and the ship while I was in Iceland, aside from Spike. But Spike had to have paper and I figured that wouldn’t be readily available in a place where all the residents breathe fire. I was also hoping he’d be able to give me a new perspective on Flo and the other water elementals. It felt like there was a lot the waters weren’t telling me, and my drunken tirade proved that something was wrong in my head.

That said, I knew I had to take everything Blaze told me with a grain of salt as well. He certainly wasn’t unbiased when it came to the waters and it most definitely showed. There’s no telling how much of what he told me was true.

Somehow, I had a feeling that I would have a lot of very tough decisions to make after I got back from Iceland. I was absolutely not looking forward to it.

That said, if the lie detecting spell worked on elementals, things would be a whole hell of a lot easier. I resolved to look into that later.

Taya was no longer in my room. I guess she didn’t feel like waiting for me to get back. I didn’t need her at the moment anyway, so I walked down to Spike’s room. I had a feeling he probably wasn’t in there, but I was going to check just in case.

There was no answer when I knocked. Since there was no part of him I hadn’t seen before, I slowly turned the handle and pushed the door open, trying to be as quiet as possible. Surprisingly enough, he actually was in there, passed out on his bed.

Let’s see… I probably woke up about an hour or two after dawn. That would be eight or so. It’s been about two to three hours since then. It’s at least ten or eleven now. I think it’s time for him to wake up.

As tempting as it was to wake him up by slapping him around and then yell at him for abandoning me the night before, I figured I’d get through to him better if he at least had some water in his system before I started yelling. He didn’t think to set any up for himself, so I wandered down to the kitchen to get him some.

He hadn’t moved at all by the time I got back. Since I figured that would be the case, I got an extra glass to wake him up with. Once I had everything else set down on his nightstand, I emptied the glass onto his head.

Spike shot up, sputtering and trying to get the water out of his face. That lasted for about five seconds before the splitting headache hit him and he fell back into bed with a groan. Both of his claws went to his head as he tried to massage away the hangover.

I knew that wouldn’t work, so I grabbed one of those claws and placed a canteen in it. It took him a few seconds to realize what he was supposed to do with it, but he finally grabbed it and brought it to his dry mouth. He emptied it with a flash and I replaced it with another that he chose to nurse.

Once he got over the initial shock, his bloodshot eyes finally opened and beheld my glorious appearance. “Ugh, what the buck did we do last night?” he whispered.

“We didn’t do anything. I don’t know what you did with anyone else, though. That said, Gourd happened to tell me something pretty interesting. Tell me, how much of last night do you remember?”

His green eyes went blank as he tried to process what I said. It took him several long seconds, but he finally blinked. “Bits and pieces. The last bit or piece is picking you up to help you out of the restaurant.”

Blaze snorted. “I don’t believe him.” How good is your lie detecting skill? “It is… very weak, compared to that of a water. We do not do as well in social scenarios.” Then I’ll have to take him at his word, for now. He harrumphed, but let it go.

Thankfully, Spike took my moment of silence as a chance to drink more water and try to get over the horrible agony. “So I guess you and Gilda didn’t do anything?” I asked.

“I… don’t remember. Why?”

“I’m just surprised. I figured she would have been all over you. Alcohol has ways of bringing people together.” Just ask my parents. That accidental pregnancy did quite a lot to bring them together. For a few years, at least.

His head slowly turned to look around the room. My guess is that he was looking for any signs of his paramour. When his eyes found mine again, he shrugged. “I guess not. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. What’s the point if I can’t remember?”

“It’s a good way to pass time, at least. Anyway, we need to leave soon.”

“Already? What time is it?”

“Early afternoon. I don’t want to get stuck in Canterlot for more bullshit. Find someone to take care of your hangover and then get some food in you. I’ll find Twilight and make sure she’s ready to go with us. I know Taya is still on the ship somewhere, probably in her room. She might can help with your head. If not her, Sunny, Gourd, Silver, and Amber are all definitely still on board and might be able to help.”

“Can’t you just… I dunno, ask them to come here?”

“After what you did to me last night, you’re lucky I’m not just dragging you out of bed and taking you to Reginald as you are. You’re also very lucky you don’t remember it, or I’d probably be yelling at you instead of trying to be nice. Now get your lazy ass out of bed and get that tail wagging.”

“Uhhhh… What did I do to you last night, Nav?”

“Ask Gourd, if you’re that interested. He’s probably still giddy that you gave him the chance of a lifetime to force me to torture myself. I’m sure he’d love to tell you all about it. But I’m still pretty fucking pissed, so I’m leaving to find Twilight.” And just like that, I left to go find Twilight. I’m sure Spike probably wanted to ask more, but I really wanted to get the mission underway.

She was not in her room on the ship. That kinda stumped me, so I decided to go check her room in the palace. Thankfully, all my time spent in the palace taught me my way around most of it, so I managed to find it without Flo’s help. Twilight’s door was closed, so I (painfully) knocked on the stone door.

It took her almost a minute to answer and she did so with a large blush on her face. “O-oh, Nav!” she said, almost sounding relieved. “I was… just thinking about you.”

“Cool. You about ready to head to the Everfree?”

“Um. I was just uh… in the middle of something.”

“Ah. How long do you think it’ll take? I don’t mind waiting a little bit longer, but I do want to get this show on the road.”

“Well… I was really close to finishing. Maybe you could… help me?” With the tone her voice took and the way her eyes dipped to half-lidded, I finally realized what she was just in the middle of.

“Oh. Sure.” She sighed in relief and used magic to pull me into the room and close the door behind me. “So you were thinking about me during, hm?” That made her blush even more and she started stammering, so I took her breath away with a kiss. Her entire face and part of her neck was bright red when I pulled away. “I think it’s cute.” Her ears started going haywire.

That’s when I gently kicked her front legs out from under her and did naughty things to her right in front of the door. It was great.

Once I was done… or rather, once she was done, she picked me up with magic yet again and floated me down for a longer, more personal kiss. Once she had her fill of me, she pulled back with a happy sigh. “Thank you, Nav. I really needed that this morning. Would you like me to return the favor?”

“Thanks for the offer, but no. I apparently had a busy night. I don’t remember any of it, but my body does.”

“Oh right, the party thing you guys were planning. Why don’t you remember it?”

“Because Gilda and Dash got some mead for us. We got super hammered. Shit was so cash.” Her head tilted slightly. “That means it was fun.”

“Are you… sure?”

“Yes. Well, no, since I don’t actually remember most of it, but I imagine I probably did enjoy a good chunk of it.”

“Oh.” She finally set me back down, thankfully on my feet. “Well, I’m mostly prepared. I left the alicorn amulet on the ship because I don’t like having it near me and I need to make sure my research assistant is still going to join me. Are you heading right back to the ship?”

“Yep. I don’t know if Gilda is awake, but if not, you can poke her with your horn until she drags you into bed as a cuddle-buddy.”

She shivered slightly. “I really need to fine-tune that spell to turn you into a griffin. Gilda always looks so soft and perfect to cuddle with, but I know she would just laugh at me if I asked. Anyway, if you give me a moment to take a shower, I’ll walk with you.”

“...Why would you want to take a shower now? You’re about to go to the Everfree. Why not just wait until you get back?”

“Because you just fingered me and I don’t want everyone to smell me.”

“I don’t mind waiting.”

She smiled. “Then I’ll be right back.” Her horn lit up and she teleported away with a flash and a pop.

“I hope you don’t mind lesbian horse sex, Blaze. You’re going to be seeing a lot of it. And lesbian sex in general.”

“Consenting carnal relationships are extremely healthy, Navarone,” he replied. “What you willingly do with another is of no concern to me. That said, I would greatly prefer watching you dominate her instead of being the submissive partner, but I understand that the water elementals have conspired together to encourage submissiveness in you. With luck, that will be one of the many habits out of which I can break you.”

There were several things I wanted to say to that, but I decided to keep my peace. Thankfully, he respected that.

Instead, I roamed around Twilight’s room, looking around where I presumably wasn’t wanted. Unfortunately, she didn’t have anything too interesting hidden away, at least not that I could find.

She walked back in smelling faintly of roses while I was looking in an empty drawer. “Are you looking for something?” she asked.

“No, just trying to get caught doing something that’ll get me punished later.”

“Oh. Well, that’s the wrong drawer for that. Better luck next time!”

“Hey, it’s not too late. I might manage to push the right buttons on the walk there.”

“I guess we’ll see,” she said with a cheeky grin. “Shall we?”

“Sure.” We set out back to the ship, side by side. As we walked, I found myself hunching down and shoving my hands in my pockets. “So I’ve been thinking about some things and I want your opinion.”

“I think the bulbed ones make you moan slightly more than the tapered ones.”

“Good to know, but not what I meant. And I want your opinion on this, not Aqua’s.”

“...You’re talking about Flo.”

“So Aqua already briefed you?”

“She did,” Twilight replied with a sigh. “She is very opinionated about the matter. So am I.”

“Which is why I’m asking. What do you think I should do?”

“I think you should give it enough time to realize what you want to do. Becoming a permanent host is something that takes a lot of consideration. Flo didn’t give you much time. In fact, according to Aqua, it’s possible she forced you to become her host. Elementals can change memories and they can apparently manipulate our minds so well we don’t even know it’s happening. It’s a frightening concept and the only reason I allow Aqua in me is because I trust that she wouldn’t do that to me. But if you have even a single doubt about Flo, you’re risking having your personality overwritten, possibly beyond the point of repair. It isn’t about whether or not she’s capable of doing it, it’s about whether or not she’s willing to do it.”

“...Or whether or not she’s already done it.”

Twilight missed a step and then actually stopped, looking down. “That is… another thought the water elementals had. I’ve known you longer than anyone else in Equestria. You have changed a lot, Nav. I’m… none of us are entirely convinced that it was natural. I want to believe you’ve become a better, happier person because that’s what you wanted, but it’s entirely possible that you are only what Flo made you. So my advice for you is to take at least a month with no water elemental inside of you and really look at yourself. Are you who you want to be? Are you happy? You’ll need to decide those for yourself.”

I think Gourd might have given me the answer to those questions this morning. “I’ve been considering taking a month or two off when we get back from Iceland. Tartarus is going to be the most ridiculous boss level ever.” She lifted an eyebrow. “As in, it’s going to be really shitty. I want more information, I want more training, I want more time to relax, and I want to go into it knowing I’m leaving as little behind as possible. I want the business with Flo done with by the time we go.”

“I think that’s a good idea. It’ll give me and Watcher more time to learn about demons and the lay of the land in Tartarus. I’m sure the girls would also like the time off. In case… you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tartarus was going to be stupidly dangerous. There was a very real chance we wouldn’t be coming back. We went back to walking. “So what does Aqua think about Flo?”

“Ugh, don’t even get her started. Aqua has been staunchly anti-Flo ever since we went to Atlantis.” Probably because I mentioned I was suicidal, if I had to guess. Blaze snorted, which left a small wave of heat in my head. “She’s been second-guessing every action the two of you have done since. Getting trapped in your head when we were against Trixie just made it worse. She is very glad I became her host, because it gives her a chance to keep an eye on you.”

“That’s just so she can make me suffer. I’m pretty sure she hates me.”

Her eyes flashed blue and she missed another step before Aqua picked up Twilight’s gait. “I do not hate you, Navarone,” she said using Twilight’s succulent mouth. “I believe that you do not behave in the way the last remaining human should. I believe that Flo has both spoiled and abused you in various ways. I believe that Flo is bad for you. But most important of all, I believe that you should have the right to choose whatever you want to be. However, in choosing whatever you want to be, you must be prepared for and accept the consequences of your actions. It seems that in many ways, you take having an elemental for granted. You want all of the benefits with none of the responsibilities. Flo was entirely reliant on you for too long. You do not truly know what it means to be a host. I believe that if you want an elemental in you, you must first learn more about that elemental. If you want Flo back, you must earn her back. Though I have the feeling she will be the one who needs to earn her way back into your good graces.”

“‘Kay.”

“I dislike that answer, Navarone.”

“Then I’ll start using it more.”

She sighed in either disgust or disappointment. A moment later, Twilight missed another step and shivered. “Do you ever get used to that?” she asked.

“Flo usually asked before she did it to me. She also usually warns me before she gives control back. She didn’t always ask before giving me orgasms, though. It’s usually pretty awkward.” That made it Twilight’s turn to sigh in either disgust or disappointment. “Anyway, you kept saying that I shouldn’t have a water elemental in me. What about a fire or air? Blaze seemed like a cunt-muffin, but he might calm down now that he’s no longer surrounded by what used to be his mortal enemies, the same group of people that also locked him on an island and tried to break him. And we don’t really know anything about the one I’m about to rescue.”

“Aqua immediately started repeating the word no in my head,” Twilight said. “So I’m going to assume that she thinks it is a bad idea. That said, I have a feeling all water elementals will be biased. I will do my best to talk to Blaze while you are gone, if he is willing. I imagine he knows I am a host, but hopefully he will realize I was a scientist and a student before that. I am interested in all of the elementals, fires included. If he does let me speak to him, I’ll try to get a read on his personality. At the moment, I can’t say it’s a wise idea to become a host to a fire, but I wouldn’t rule it out just because a water says it’s a bad idea.”

“I can’t imagine Aqua is very happy with what you just said.”

“She is incredibly displeased, trust me. However, just as I am a scientist and student before a host, I am also your friend before a host. I want what is best for you, not what the water elementals decide is the best for you. As Aqua said, I support your right to choose your own fate, even if that choice seems unwise at the outset. I want you to be happy, Nav. I don’t want you to feel like a prisoner in your own body. If you think a fire elemental would make you happier than a water elemental, I will support you and defend you from whatever the water elementals happen to say or do about it. And if you decide that you are better off without an elemental at all, I will do the same. This life isn’t for everyone. Truthfully, I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did with Flo without either breaking and demanding her to change or ordering her to get out of you. To me, the very thought that you lasted this long lends credence to the idea that she… manipulated your mind against your will, but that isn’t something I can decide and I’m not entirely sure it’s something I would trust the other water elementals to verify. They want you on their side, and I have a feeling that all of them know that if you find proof Flo tampered with your head, you will never give another one of them a chance. If you ever do let them check your mind, I would like to be present and I would most definitely like to have the lie detection spell hoofy. I don’t know if it would work on an elemental since they aren’t technically alive, but it’s better than taking what they say at face value.”

Good to know I’m not the only one that distrusts them. “You’re a good friend, Twilight, and I’m honestly happy to know you.” She gently bumped into me and we continued in a pleasant silence.

When we got to the ship, she went to find Gilda and I went to find the only pony daughter I had. Thankfully, she was in her room, so it didn’t take me very long. Her door was also open, so I didn’t have to interrupt anything naughty. “I’ll be leaving really soon,” I said. “You’re welcome to go with us to the Everfree if you want.”

“I’ll be ready when you are, mommy!” she happily said, hopping off the bed.

“Cool. Twilight probably won’t need your help to cast the spell, but I’ll be happy to have you send me off. Though I might fly the two of you back to Canterlot so you don’t have to deal with the Everfree yourselves.”

“We could handle it!”

“I know. But if I carry you, you won’t have to. And I love carrying my adorable daughters, so everybody wins.”

Her ears twitched when I said daughters, but she didn’t comment on it. Instead, her horn lit up and the butterfly wings appeared on her back. “Do you already have everything you need, mommy?”

“Yep. Kat is going to hold onto the key and the ring. She might need them. You’re free to stay on the ship if you want, but it’ll probably be moving around. If you don’t want to stay here, you’re welcome to stay in my room at the palace, in our house in Ponyville, or talk to Gourd to get money for a room in town. I’ll leave it up to you.”

“I think I’ll stay right here. The guards don’t like me training with them and there’s nowhere else to practice combat magic in the palace. The ship is perfect for it.”

“Cool. Let Gourd know before the ship leaves. I don’t want him thinking he accidentally kidnapped you or something.”

“Alright.”

I reached down and booped her on the nose. “I’m gonna go make sure Spike is ready, then find Twilight. You’re free to wait on the deck if you don’t mind bitingly cold weather. Otherwise, you can just chill here and wait for us to head out.”

“I’ll be here, mommy.” She was handled, so I went on down to Spike’s room.

He was in there, staring at the crossbow, sword, and shield on his bed. “I would suggest not bringing those,” I said.

“It’s the only hoard that I have, Nav,” he softly replied, not looking at me. “The only things of value that I really truly own.” He fell silent for a few long seconds before looking back up at me. “And you gave me every single one of them.”

“I reckon that’s so.”

He sighed and looked at them again. “They’re the only things I could really bring to show off the life I have now. I might finally find my parents, but these will be all I have to show them. But you think I shouldn’t bring them.”

“Blood doesn’t mean a fucking thing, Spike. Family is who you make it. There’s a saying back in my world. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. This ship is your family, Spike. I do think finding your parents would be amazing and I would absolutely love to be by your side when you do, but if you can’t find them, don’t think it’s the end of the world. You’ll still have a place here, at my side. And if you do find your parents and they’re disappointed that you have nothing to show them, then fuck them. Your parents should be ecstatic that their long-lost son found them, not disappointed that he didn’t bring a hoard with him when he did.”

“It’s easy for you to—” he started to say, but froze when he realized who he was saying it to.

“It most definitely is not easy for me to say,” I replied. “I knew my parents. They were pieces of shit. But despite that, I miss them. And despite missing them, I made a place here. It’s a place where the broken and lost of the world can come together. It’s a place for people like you and me, Spike. People with no families, no ties, nothing holding us to this world but each other. I said you’ll have a place here at my side and I meant it. But I would be happy for you if you found your parents and I would be happier for you if they were amazing parents that wanted you to stay. That is a choice you might have to make and I want it to be something you’re thinking about now. If it comes time for a choice, I will not try to sway your mind and I will support you no matter what you pick. You’re my friend and I want you to be who and what you want to be, even if it means you will no longer be by my side.”

He finally looked back at me. It was obvious that he was on the verge of tears, so I walked over and hugged him. He wasted no time in hugging me back. It’s kinda weird that dragons can even cry. You’d think the tears would just evaporate.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a sociopath.

Once he was done with his moment, he pulled away. “Is it time to go?” he asked.

“Yeah. Head up to the deck. I need to find Gourd and let him know we’re leaving and then I’ll see if I can find Twilight. She was looking for Gilda.”

“Then I’ll see you topside, Nav.” We both left his room. He pulled the door shut with all of his stuff still on the bed.

Gilda’s room was a few doors down, so I went to check it out. Her door was open and, sure enough, an unconscious Gilda was struggle-snuggling a conflicted Twilight. “Well, that was supposed to be a joke,” I said, leaning against the door. “I guess she didn’t quite want to wake up.”

“She didn’t,” Twilight whispered. “But she’s so comfy! I just couldn’t wake her up…”

“You should try cuddling with her right after she gets done preening and taking a shower. It’s like getting cuddled by… I dunno, something really soft, I guess. Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. Wake her up, heal her, and get her on deck. If she asks why you’re cuddling, just say the two of you banged last night after she got shit-faced.”

“I’m… not going to do that. I’ll wake her, but I don’t think she would be happy to find that we had any manner of relations.”

“Twilight, call it sex.”

“I don’t think she would be happy to find that we had sex.”

“Thank you. I’m gonna let Gourd or someone else in the crew know we’re leaving. I’ll meet you topside.”

“Alright.” I left her to her dilemma and went to find someone who kept the ship in the air. Gourd wasn’t in his room, of course. Sunny wasn’t in the kitchen. Amber wasn’t roaming around anywhere. As far as I knew, all the rest of the crew was off the ship, so I was kinda stumped. I decided to just say fuck it and leave a note, so I went back to my room, where I found Gourd chilling on the bed.

“Dude, why are you… actually, I don’t care.”

“Too bad, I’m gonna tell you anyway,” he replied before I could continue. “My bed is nasty and I didn’t think you’d be needing yours, so I ended up in here. I gotta say, I like the cloud you have in here. Next time we do anything, we need to do it on your bed.”

“If there is a next time.” Given by how much he’s annoying me with his sappy friend bullshit, that chance is shrinking.

“If, when, whatever. I figured you would have been gone by now, either way.”

“I was actually looking for one of the crew members so I could tell you guys that I’m about to leave and to heal Doppel when she wakes up. I couldn’t find anyone, so I was coming here to get paper for a note, since I know you don’t have any in your room anymore.”

“Not anymore, no, but I’ll be keeping a large stock in there from now on. After all, there’s no telling what other contracts I might be able to get.”

“Go fuck yourself with barbed wire. I’ll see you in a few days or weeks, Gourd.”

“Good luck, Nav.” He smirked. “After all, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen before you can tell me all about your problems.”

“Suck my clit.”

“Already did,” he said, placing his hooves behind his head and grinning lasciviously.

“Suck my nipple.”

“Did that, too. Only one of them, though.”

“Ugh. Suck my… ass.”

“Alright, now that I didn’t do. Sounds kinda gross, actually.”

“Good, then suck my ass. See you later.”

“See you, Nav.” I went next door to collect Taya and finally went up to the deck.

Spike was already there. Taya pressed herself against my side and then cast some kind of spell that made the air around us shimmery. That was when I realized that I walked out without a coat like it was nothing. Thankfully, Taya was looking out for me and made the air warm so no one had to ask why I wasn’t wearing a coat.

“So what’s taking Twilight?” Spike asked.

“Gilda was feeling handsy,” I replied. “And she didn’t want to wake up. They shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“Why’s Gilda even going?” Taya asked.

“To help Twilight get more bodies for her necromancy thing,” I said. “The Everfree has a lot of creatures everyone would prefer dead. Twilight needs test subjects. Gilda needs food. It’s a win for everyone.”

“...What about the creatures?” Taya slowly asked.

That one stumped me for a moment, before my burning need to always be right kicked in and gave me a bullshit answer. “They get freed from the horrible existential nightmare that is life,” I said with a shrug.

Taya took that as an acceptable answer and nodded, but Spike slowly lifted what would have been an eyebrow if he had hair. “That’s kinda… out there, Nav.”

“Yeah, well, whatever. Did you ever ask Gourd about last night?”

“No. I figured if it actually mattered to you, you’d actually talk to me about it instead of being super passive aggressive. You usually confront real problems head on and pass small things off to others, so I didn’t think you cared that much or you were too angry about it to discuss it anyway. Either way, I decided ignoring it and hoping it would go away wouldn’t hurt.”

“Oh.” For some reason, that made Taya snicker. “Well, if you’re interested, when Gourd came up on deck, I was apparently bawling my eyes out. As soon as you saw him, you dumped me on him and went below.”

That immediately made Taya stop giggling. Instead, she glared at Spike, who seemed somewhat confused. “Uh. Are you sure?”

“That’s what Gourd told me. He had to stop me from hurting myself, or so he said. You just followed Gilda.”

“Huh. Well, I don’t remember much after leaving the restaurant, so I guess we’ll have to take his word for it. I’m sorry, I guess. I can’t imagine what would make me just leave you like that, but I hope it was worth it.”

“So do I.” It better have been, given what I’m going to have to go through because of it.

Silence came over us and lasted until Gilda dragged herself out of the ship. She didn’t look too fucked up, but she definitely wasn’t smiling. And as soon as she saw the bright light, she flinched back, but powered through it to join us. “So are we doing this or what?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t too fucked up either, so I assumed she managed to get hydrated.

“We’re just waiting on Twilight, now,” I said. “She didn’t have to grab much, so—” The mare herself walked out of the doorway leading into the ship. “Yeah, we’re good to go. Alright, for this large of a party flying over the Everfree, we need to be careful. Keep hostile thoughts to a minimum. Yes, Taya, I’m looking at you.” I wasn’t actually looking at her. She sniffed and presumably rolled her eyes. “We should be high enough above the forest that it won’t pick us up as threats, but it might not be happy when we land in front of Reginald’s cave. Let me try to handle anything that might approach us, unless things look like they’re getting out of hand.”

“Or I could just teleport us all,” Twilight said.

“I like that option,” Gilda said. “My wings are stiff.”

“Can you do that and still turn me into a dragon?” I asked.

“With the amulet, definitely,” she said with a pleased nod.

“Then we’re flying,” I immediately replied. “Stiff wings or not. I don’t want you wearing that thing for one second longer than necessary.”

“A little corruption never hurt anybody,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. I lifted an eyebrow. “But fine, we’ll fly.” Her horn lit up and cute little butterfly wings appeared on her back. “Since you just have to be difficult about everything.”

“Well, you can always punish me later,” I said. “Anyway, let’s go.”

They all took off while I walked over to the side and jumped off. Most of them jockeyed for positions around me while I just set a steady pace and angled toward the mountain in the Everfree.

The flight should have been very cold, but Taya kept up some kind of heat around all of us, not that I would have noticed without it. Thankfully, everyone kept their thoughts safe enough that no monsters from the Everfree decided to bother us. Or maybe we just got lucky. Who knows?

Either way, we landed in front of Reggie’s cave with no issues. Gilda looked around, seeming somewhat impressed by the number of bones. “I’m gonna go say hi,” I said. A few of them made half-hearted replies, but none seemed interested in joining me. I went into the dragon’s cave alone.

I didn’t get very far in before finding him. “So you are finally here,” he rumbled, rolling off a pile of gold. “I was wondering how long you would make this old dragon wait.”

“Patience is a virtue, one I figured an old man like yourself would have picked up.”

“Hmph. You sound like… never mind. Are you prepared to go to the land of the dragons, Navarone?”

“Yep. Everyone else is waiting outside.”

“Good.” He didn’t move any further, though. After a few seconds, he sighed, bathing me in steam. You know, this is technically his spit. That’s really disgusting, when you think about it. “You and Spike are likely going to learn a few very unpleasant things while you are in Iceland, Navarone. I want you to understand that we only did what was best for all races.”

“And I want you to explain that now so I don’t get blindsided when we go to Iceland.”

He was silent for another few long seconds. His eyes, each one about as large as I was, just stared at me. Finally, he said, “I believe I mentioned a treaty to you, one involving Spike. I did not mention why the treaty existed or what terms were in it.”

“You didn’t, no.”

“It was a peace treaty between the dragons and the ponies, following a… heated disagreement. Celestia… convinced me to tip the scale toward the ponies. You will likely learn far more about it while you are there. I will end with two things: It directly resulted in the creation of the purifiers and the official draconic code and it resulted with the ponies getting one dragon egg every ten years. Forgive me, but talking about it is painful.”

God fucking dammit, he’s just going to leave me hanging. “I don’t suppose you could give me any more information, could you?”

“...No. I hate that I have told you what I have, but I wanted you to hear it from me before you hear the propaganda. I did what I did for the best of both races, even if there are many dragons who do not see it that way.” Well, it sounds an awful lot like you’re a race traitor. “There is more reason than one that I have put off my return to Iceland for so long. But it is time for my self-imposed exile to end. It is time for me to return home. And if you ever want Spike to be able to return to Equestria, you will tell no one that he was born from an egg given to Celestia.”

“...Why?”

He was silent for almost half a minute this time before looking away. “Because escaped hostages are not allowed to run back to their eggnappers.”

“Wait, wha—” Before I could finish asking, he snatched me up and started walking.

“Returning home will be a very interesting experience for me, Navarone,” he said over what I was trying to ask. “Perhaps I have been gone long enough that the others have forgotten or forgiven.”

I’m gonna go with probably not. And given that he wasn’t listening to any of my questions, I decided to stop asking them. One way or another, I was going to get an answer. Then again, it didn’t take too much thinking to come to a conclusion. It wasn’t a very nice conclusion, but it was a conclusion.

It sounded a lot like Celestia bent Reginald’s arm into supporting a treaty between the ponies and the dragons that gave the ponies a hostage every ten years to prevent the outbreak of another war. The dragons couldn’t do anything to the ponies because of all the dragon eggs the ponies had as prisoners. The eggs couldn’t be hatched without some kind of magic, so the hostages could never escape. But Celestia managed to hatch at least one somehow. That meant Celestia was technically experimenting on prisoners, which resulted in Spike being born.

If that was the case, Spike had been a prisoner his entire life, kept ignorant about his people, and was basically brainwashed into being a servant of the ponies. I really hoped that wasn’t the case, because if it was, I might literally murder Celestia. That was just… beyond the pale.

But it sounded exactly like something she and her sister would do.

We got outside while I was still thinking. When Reginald set me down, I noticed that Gilda had departed, but Rainbow Dash had joined the group.

“Sup, Nav?” she asked, nodding at me.

“Nothin’ much, Skittles,” I replied, trying to take my mind off what Reginald just told me. “You see us flying out?”

“Yep. Couldn’t get ready in time to join you in the air, but it wasn’t hard for the Dash to find you!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty easy to miss the only mountain in the Everfree,” I sarcastically replied. She stuck her tongue out at me. “Anyway, are you all ready to see me draconified?”

“Only if you’ll race me!” Dash happily said.

“Sure, I guess. Let me just get undressed.”

Almost everyone present was happy to molest me with their eyes as I stripped down. I knew Dash, Twilight, and Spike would have enjoyed playing with my hot bod. Taya probably also would have enjoyed it, but I chose not to think about that. There’s no telling what Reginald would have liked, and I wasn’t interested in asking. Soon, I was down to nothing.

“You ready?” Twilight asked.

“Yep. Let’s get this over with.” She and Taya walked over and pressed their horns together. They did the same bullshit magic thing as before and soon enough, I found myself turned back into a monstrous killing machine. Well, a dragon, anyway. I guess technically speaking, I was already pretty adept at killing things.

I looked around the clearing with my special eyes and noted with a grin that Rainbow Dash and Spike were having difficulties picking their mouths off the ground. “Having issues?” I asked with a smirk.

Spike recovered before Dash and almost immediately said, “You’re huge!”

“That’s no way to speak to a lady!” I said, trying to sound like I was hurt.

“No, no, I mean… Kumani was… she was like nothing compared to you!”

“That’s… kinda a good point, actually,” Twilight said. “Kumani was a lot smaller than you. There’s no way that relationship would have been acceptable if you were both dragons.”

“Trust me, that’s a conclusion I have already come to. I regret it. That relationship was a mistake. I’m glad both of us realized it and I’m glad she left like she did. Spike, if we run into her, do not tell her who I am. And until I tell you otherwise, don’t tell anyone you were born here in Equestria. Remember what happened at the dragon migration.” He looked down. “They weren’t keen on letting you leave. We’ll find out some information, learn why they didn’t want you to leave, and we’ll go from there. You have my word that we won’t leave without digging into your past.”

“...Alright, Nav. I trust you.”

Before I could do anything else, a blue blur shot toward me and Rainbow Dash landed on my face. “So we gonna race or what, Navi?” she asked, tapping me with a hoof.

“Just say the word, Dashie,” I replied, then used my tongue to lightly yank her tail. She yelped and spun around, but didn’t see anyone. “Feeling kinda… jumpy?” I asked.

“N-no! Just… Whatever!” She spread her wings. “First one to the rainbow falls near Cloudsdale?” she asked.

I’m pretty sure I know where that is. “Sure.”

“Then go!” She shot off before I realized we were doing anything. I spread my wings and almost immediately joined her in the air.

To make a short story shorter, she very handily won. Or maybe very wingidly won. Either way, it wasn’t even a competition.

“I can’t believe you’re slow even as a huge dragon!” she said.

“I can. I have a whole lot of body mass and I don’t know how to use this body that well. You’re fucking tiny and full of magic or whatever.”

“Psh, I’m just awesome.”

“Hey, if friendship is magic and if magic works off the power of belief, then you’re super fast because you have several really good friends who believe in your ability to be super fast. It’s the same with Twilight and magic, Applejack and farming, Pinkie and being insane, Fluttershy and dealing with animals, and Rarity and being annoying.”

“...I think you might have gotten a few of those wrong.”

“Okay, fine, then Applejack with having really sexy thighs. Whatever. Point is, if friendship is magic, you’re never gonna lose a race.” If that’s the case, it kinda explains a lot of what Pinkie can do. After all, she has a ton of friends, which means a ton of people believe in her. It’s no wonder she can do all kinds of horrifying shit that only makes sense in a magical world.

“I think it’s just ‘cause I’m awesome.”

“Sure, let’s go with that. So shall we head back, oh awesome one?”

“Nah, not yet.” She walked over to one of the pools of rainbow and looked into it. “I kinda wanted to talk.”

“Oh. Well I mean, I guess there’s not really a time limit on any of this. What did you want to talk about?” Or at least, I didn’t think there was. As far as I knew, Discord would be fine to wait until the sun blew up. It’s not like he really had much else to do but watch a poor innocent human suffer.

“You, actually.” She fell silent. I knew that if she wanted to talk about me, whatever she was trying to say would probably be hard for her.

“Dash, I am happy to listen to you. And you know that you don’t have to feel weird about anything you want to say. I won’t think any of it’s uncool or whatever. Say exactly what you’re thinking.”

She sighed and hung her head. “Ugh. Way to make me feel awkward.” She finally turned back to look at me. “I’m proud of you, Nav.” A blush actually came up on her face and she rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “You’ve been through a lot and had a lot of tough problems, but you’re handling them like a pro. I’m happy for you and proud of you. I know it’s hard for you to adjust to everything you’ve been through, but you’re doing it and you’re doing a good job.” She looked away, still blushing. “It’s super cool, kinda.”

That would make me feel a lot better if Gourd hadn’t just told me everything she said was wrong. “I don’t know if I’m handling it as well as everyone thinks, but I’m trying. And I’m happy that you told me that, Dash. Thank you.”

That just made her blush even more, which was super adorable. “N-no problem… Navi.”

“You know, it’s really pretty out here, Dash,” I said, looking around. “You ever bring any dates here?” Her ears shot straight up and she began stammering even more, trying to say who knows what. I reached a talon out and pressed it against her nose. “Maybe a big strong predator who could teach a tiny little herbivore her place?” Her eyes slowly widened and her wings quickly stretched out. “You know, Cloudsdale is right there. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them were watching. What do you say, Dashie? Wanna be taught your place while the whole city watches?”

I don’t think she could trust her voice, so she just nodded. The talon against her nose quickly wrapped around her body instead. She squeed in delight.

(Sex incoming. Ctrl+f “Sex is over.” if you’re lame)

Truth be told, I was a little bit afraid of hurting her. I had no idea how strong I was, so I did my absolute best to be careful with her soft little pony body and fuzzy little pony wings. Just being picked up and held was enough to make her moan, though. It felt like something wet was pressing against the bottom of my hand, so I figured she was really into it.

Still, though… “Safe word is coconut,” I said.

“Got it.”

What I did know about Dash is that she was very stretchy. Seeing her with Flo proved that much. I grabbed one of her front legs with one hand and I grabbed her other with my other hand, so I was holding her up like that. I forced her to face Cloudsdale, with her back legs dangling toward the ground.

I lowered her down to my mouth and slowly reached around her body with my tongue, tasting her. She shivered in delight as the tines in the forked tongue prodded both nipples at once, then moaned as the tongue moved up and caressed her chest. Finally, I slapped her across the face with it.

“Beg for it,” I demanded.

“Tch, make me, you overgrown lizard!” she shouted back.

So I went back to work with my tongue. I slowly ran it between her lower legs, very lightly pressing against her lower lips. She moaned and arched her back, then pressed her lower legs together to try to hold me in place. I left the tongue there and moved it to her nipples instead. She gasped as I started circling them and licking them. My draconic tongue was very long and very smooth, but somewhat dry and hot, giving her some very interesting sensations.

When she started panting, I pressed the tongue higher, right against her slit, before shooting it out further to force into her mouth. She gagged on it, but let the large invader slip down her throat. I slowly ran it in and out, throat-fucking her and pressing right into her mare-gina.

Once her legs started trembling, I slurped the tongue back, making her cry out. “Beg!” I ordered again.

“P… please! T-t-teach me my p-place!”

Oh, I do so enjoy Dashie’s voice when she’s desperate. “Your place is to be used as I desire, pony,” I replied. She groaned. I finally took pity on her and popped my tongue back out to very carefully prod her wet axe wound. She gasped again and that’s when I decided to finally impale her.

“Oooh, it’s s-s-so hot!” she cried out.

As soon as I pressed into her, her body seized up and her legs fought against my grasp, but she was unable to get away as I used my tongue to ravage her. She almost immediately came and actually started crying as I viciously assaulted her inner body with my tongue while she struggled to escape. Both her back legs kicked and stretched out, trying to find purchase on anything so she could get away from the overwhelming pleasure.

Finally, I stopped moving the tongue, though I didn’t take it out. Her body slowly calmed down until she was left panting. Her wings were flopped down, limply hanging from her back and her legs were no longer struggling.

Since it looked like I successfully broke her, I began moving my tongue again, making her body flinch like some kind of sexy marionette. She still made the occasional squeak and moan, but it was obvious that I had already broken her. It was actually kinda disappointing, so I resolved to see just how much control over my tongue that I had.

While the tongue was still inside of her, I looped the front of it back out of her body, doubling the width of what was in her and making her lower legs stretch out to the side to try to stretch out her cave. I decided to go ahead and nip that one in the bud by moving both of her upper legs into one of my hands and both of her lower legs into another hand, making her much tighter and forcing her to cry out and start begging for me to stop.

But she knew the safeword and she wasn’t using it, so I ignored her begging and moved the front of my tongue back to her mouth. She moaned in shock when I forced it into her mouth, but she met it with her own tongue.

So I used my extremely long tongue to fuck her candy vag and kiss her at the same time. About half a minute after I started kissing her, I pressed my tongue down into her throat and kept it there, blocking off her air flow. She grunted and flinched, but couldn’t move her head enough to dislodge me.

I began undulating my lower tongue inside of her as she slowly ran out of air. She seemed to get even wetter and almost instantly came as I choked her. Her mind was in complete panic mode and every part of her body was trying to get away from me so she could get air, but she was still riding my tongue as much as she could, too full of ecstasy to care that she was on the verge of death.

When I finally had my fill of skittles (and her body was only barely still struggling), I pulled the tongue out of her mouth to let her get some air. She immediately started coughing, but I didn’t stop playing with her incredibly sensitive pussy, so she was struggling to breathe around her mind-numbing pleasure.

She was completely helpless and knew it. And I knew that she loved every single moment of it, which was more than enough to make me happy. I continued violating her with my tongue for another five minutes (and three orgasms) before I finally decided I really needed to get going.

That said, I couldn’t leave without one last little dig. I slowly eased my tongue out with some pretty sexy slurping noises and let her lower legs go. They were shaking too much for her to stand on her own and probably would be for a while, so I kept hold of her upper legs and turned her to face me. “Now what have you learned, my tasty little morsel?” I asked.

Her eyes were bloodshot, tears were streaming down her face, and her hair was messier than usual. It looked like she was in no place to reply. In fact, all she could do was moan.

“That’s what I thought. You learned that your place is as my pet.” That actually made her very weakly grin. “And as my pet, I think a short post-coital cuddle is due.”

She did absolutely nothing to resist as I laid back onto the ground and placed her against my stomach. She sighed in delight at my pleasant warmth and just pressed her head against my belly, trying to recover. Having her fluid-soaked legs pressing into me was kinda nasty, but I’d live.

(“Sex is over.” You didn’t miss too much this time.)

Dash normally isn’t one for cuddling, but I had a feeling she would have a very difficult time moving after that. She laid against me and let my talons slowly pet her and occasionally play with her hair.

It was easy enough to keep her calm, so I let my mind wander, thinking about what Reginald just told me. He obviously wasn’t as heroic as I thought he was. There was probably also something in what he said about Celestia convincing him to betray his own people. That sounded a lot like blackmail to me, so I couldn’t help but wonder what she had on him.

He also said that the treaty resulted in the creation of the draconic code of honor. It’s possible that whatever blackmail material she had on him was something that broke said code of honor. I didn’t know exactly what all was in it, but I imagine there was probably a lot to it. Spike and I would definitely have to have it explained to us so we didn’t fuck it up while in Iceland.

I’d also have to find a way to get the truth about the treaty while I was there, because I knew Celestia wouldn’t tell me a single fucking thing unless I already knew enough about it. Most dragons couldn’t read, so I doubt I would be able to find any books about it while we were there. Reginald also seemed to think he was one of the oldest dragons still alive, so I didn’t think I’d find too terribly many first-hand accounts, either. Finding out what really happened might require talking to Pyrite, which probably wouldn’t be safe. It would be a last resort, though.

If the dragons wouldn’t let Spike leave after learning he was from one of the eggs given to Equestria, finding his parents could be impossible. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that, but it was a very unfortunate reality. That was a choice he would have to make, though. I wasn’t going to keep the truth from him. He deserved to know everything.

If the mare who raised him did so to keep him in blissful captivity, he had every right to know. And he most definitely had every right to be angry and seek revenge. I really hope he would choose to take the high road, but I wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t.

Learning that your entire life is a lie seems like a very justifiable reason to get upset, after all.

I was interrupted from my musings by the groaning of a little pony on my belly. “That… that was… amazing,” she finally sighed. “I’ve never been… choked like that before!”

“Yeah, I imagine that would be a first for a lot of people. Getting choked by a very long dragon tongue that was also playing with your cooch is probably a pretty unique situation.”

“I meant choked in general, but… yeah.” She weakly kicked her lower legs and shivered. “I can’t believe you made me so sticky!”

“You know you loved it.”

“...Oh yeah. And your claws are so soft…” She splayed herself out and giggled. “And you’re so warm. You’re the best cuddler ever!”

“This best cuddler ever is gonna have to leave eventually, Dashie.”

“Psh, only if I let you!” I slowly reached a talon down lower and pressed it between her bottom legs. “B-but I might not fight much…” I pulled said talon back and went back to petting her. “Mmm…”

After a few seconds, a random thought came to me and I finally looked down at her. Sure enough, her mane was braided. Each color was done as its own strand, so she had a full rainbow braid going on. It was super cute and I wish I could take a picture, but I had a feeling she would try to undo it as soon as she realized.

So instead, I moved my hands lower and zoned out again, hoping Ava would do her freaky braiding thing to her tail as well. Waiting another fifteen minutes wouldn’t hurt too much, I figured.

I tried to think about something, but my mind kept blanking on me. I knew there was a lot I needed to consider, but I also knew that I needed a lot more information before I could come to any real conclusions. It was a really shitty conundrum and I found myself desperately wishing that more people would actually give me the full story instead of just tantalizing hints every now and then.

Fucking pricks.

Either way, it gave Dash more time to recover from our filthy antics. She wouldn’t have been able to walk or fly right after we finished, but I think she was finally up to being able to fly. At the very least, her wings were folded against her now, instead of being floppy and unresponsive.

Her tail was also braided the same way, which was a huge plus. How does no one ever notice this? Is having your hair braided that relaxing or can they just not feel Ava’s ghost touch?

Blaze chose not to reply. He presumably did not give one fuck about fashion.

Once I noticed that her tail was done, I very gently poked her back. “I need to go, Dash. I can’t keep them waiting in the Everfree forever.”

“Ugh, five more minutes,” she sighed, flapping just one of her wings.

“I’m afraid not. If you need me to fly you back, I can, but we need to get going.”

“You might need to get going, but I don’t,” she said. “I smell like… Well, like a mare that just got tongue-bucked by a dragon. I think I’ll spend a little while here, then fly home.”

“What, don’t want to show off your cute hair?” I asked with a smirk.

“My cute what?” She finally lifted a hoof up to her head and felt it. As soon as she realized, she shot off my belly with a gasp. “What did you do?!”

“I braided it, silly! Your tail, too.” Her eyes widened even more and she spun around in the air, trying to catch her tail. She finally got it and just wordlessly yelled. “It’s so adorable!” I said.

“It’s so girly!”

“Yep. And since you’re a good little filly who knows her place, you’re going to leave it just like that. Otherwise, I might not pay you a visit when I get back.”

She looked down at her tail, conflict clear on her face. Finally, she landed on my chest. “I’ll… make you a deal.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll… leave my hair like this. And… and I’ll braid it like this before I see you again. But I want… I want…” She trailed off, looking away and blushing.

“Come on, Dashie. Tell me what you want.” What you really really want.

She seemed even more conflicted before finally sighing and hanging her head. “I want a date,” she whispered.

“Oh. With me, or…?”

“Yes, with you!” she angrily replied, jerking her head back up to face mine. “I’ll braid my hair like a girly little filly if you’ll go on a date with me!”

You know, I can honestly say that I didn’t see this one coming. “I’m going to tell you upfront that I am not looking for a relationship, Dash. If we’re happy together, that’s awesome. But I will not try to lead you on and I won’t be going into this as anything more than a casual date. I will absolutely go on a date with you to give it a chance and see if we both like it, but only if you tell me right now that you understand that it probably won’t lead to anything serious.”

“I understand completely,” she said with a nod. “And I’m okay with that. Being with you is fun, Nav. You’re a good friend. You’re also a really cute mare… well, woman and I’m really attracted to you. My parents always told me that best friends make the best coltfriends, so I put two and two together and… well, here we are. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything, it’ll still be fun. That’s plenty enough for me!”

“Cool. Then think of something awesome for us to do while I’m gone. If you want to wear either vibrating panties or a hidden vibrator while we’re on said date, I promise to make it worth your while. If not, that’s also cool.”

That made her blush, of course. “I’ll… think about it,” she slowly said. “But you better really really make it worth it!”

“Oh, I will. Now hop off. I need to get back.” She finally took off, but only to dart in to my face and lightly kiss me. She pulled back with a blush before I could reciprocate and zoomed off further into the falls.

If I had time, I would totally chase her because I had a feeling it would be really cute and fun. Unfortunately, I had places to be. Also unfortunately, I was a giant dragon next to a very militant pony city and I was really lucky they hadn’t already sent guards. With both of those things in mind, I took off back toward the Everfree.

By the time I finally got back, the two of us had probably been gone for over an hour and a half. Twilight and Taya were poking over a few bodies while Gilda and Spike were roasting something on a bonfire. I landed on the other side of the clearing, trying not to fuck up the fire. As soon as I hit the dirt, Taya pranced over to hug one of my legs.

“What took you so long, mommy?” she asked.

“You know Dash,” I replied, walking over to Twilight with Taya clinging to my leg. “One race never satisfies her. She’s gotta be the best at everything.”

“She’ll learn one day,” Twilight said, though she didn’t look up. “Reginald went back in to do a few last minute preparations. He should be out in a minute or two.”

“Cool. Did I miss anything big?”

“A monster attacked,” Spike said. “As soon as Gilda landed with a string of small bodies, it shot out of the forest.”

“It seems to support your theory, at least,” Twilight said, finally looking up. “Gilda proved that she was a threat. The Everfree sent a monster here to try to deal with that threat. And now Gilda and Spike are… eating that monster.” She shivered slightly, though that seemed a little bit hypocritical to me. How could she find eating meat creepy when she was looking at a row of forest critter bodies that she was about to experiment on?

But whatever. I guess ponies are gonna pony.

Shortly after Spike and Gilda finished devouring whatever the hell they killed, Reginald came thumping back out of his cave. “So you finally returned,” he said. “Are you prepared to depart, Navarone?”

“Yep.”

“Excellent. Spike?”

“I was born ready!” Spike replied.

“Indeed you were, little one,” Reginald quietly replied. “Then back away, all of you. I am going to seal my cave.”

Taya was currently lying on my back, so I walked to the far side of the clearing, where everyone else was congregating. When we were all clear, Reginald moved a huge boulder in front of his huge cave and blew a huge blast of fire at it. The flames seared the rock and partially melted it into place, preventing anyone but a dragon from moving it, if they could even tell that it was there.

“You will need to carry Spike, Navarone,” he said. “You will also need a different name.”

“Will Tiamat work?” I asked.

He tilted his head slightly, thinking. “I suppose,” he finally said with a nod. “You shall be Tiamat, dragoness of the wastes. Let the others think that Spike is your son, but do not say for sure one way or another. Dragons do not like liars, but they do like craftiness. If you trick them into thinking he is your son, you will be fine later when they learn the truth. If you lie and say he is your son, you will lose their trust.”

“Cool. I’ll keep that in mind. Anything else I need to know?”

“Plenty. I shall inform you on the way. Shall we finally depart?”

“Just about.” I reached around and very gently pulled Taya off my back and set her on the ground. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, Taya. I’ll also be as safe as I can. Reginald is huge and he’ll be protecting me, so you don’t need to worry about a thing.”

“I know, mommy. I’ll miss you, though.”

“And I’ll miss you. But with luck, I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I know…” I wanted to lean down to kiss her, but I didn’t want her to smell my vagina breath, even if it was skittle-flavored. Instead, I booped her and looked around the clearing.

“Keep it real, Twiley. And watch out for Taya.”

“Of course, Nav.”

“Gilda, the ship’s probably not gonna be in town too much. You’re free to stay on it if you want or you can grab whatever you need and get a place in town or stay with Dash.”

“Already taken care of,” she said with a nod. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Now I am ready,” I said, looking back at Reginald.

“I’m… I’m not,” Spike quietly said. “Just… just a second, guys.” He slowly walked over to Twilight and whispered something to her. She softly smiled and they walked away from the group, to the far side of the clearing. They talked over there for a few minutes before hugging it out and walking back over. “I’m ready,” he said, sounding very certain.

“Then hop on my back so we can get this show on the road,” I said. He grinned and flew up to my neck, riding me. “How’s it feel to ride a dragoness five times your size,” I asked with a dirty grin.

“Don’t make me smack you with a tree,” Twilight said.

I think Spike wanted to reply, but Twilight kinda killed the mood. Instead, he just awkwardly cleared his throat.

Reginald shook his head with a smile on his face before taking off. Spike and I joined him in the air moments later and we all took off toward the ocean.

It was looking to be a very… enlightening adventure.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Six

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Six

The flight back to my cave was uneventful. There were a few dragons here and there, but none seemed interested in bothering me. It felt weird to finally be basically invisible again, even if I did supposedly look sexier than average.

When I finally got back, Spike was still gone. It wasn’t quite night yet and I was too stressed to just lie down, so I found myself pacing around the cave. After a few iterations, I realized the cave was too short for pacing and my body was feeling sore from the long-ass flight and from getting double-teamed by two virile young dragons. I kinda wish I had asked Brook to help with that, but I didn’t want to be around them for any longer anyway.

Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to go check out the hot springs. I had a feeling they’d help with the aches and stress and maybe let me talk to a few of the local dragons. If Bahamut was having me followed, he was suspicious. I was hoping that doing normal dragon things would make him back off.

So I trudged on down to the closest hot springs, thankfully only about fifty meters or so from my cave entrance. I could actually see it from there, so I was hoping Spike wouldn’t get back without seeing me.

When I got to the spring, it was empty. The water was literally boiling, which would have been extremely unpleasant on my human body. It was with only a little bit of hesitation that I slid into the spring.

As soon as I did, my eyes widened in surprise and I felt my entire body slowly relaxing as the water wormed its way into my scales, heating up my body and making me sigh in delight. For a moment, I wished I had a water elemental in me so I could submerge my entire body and still breathe. I got over that desire quickly enough and carefully swam over to an edge. I set my head on it and let the rest of my body just soak.

I could get used to this, I think.

“It seems that the culture of the dragons has a few things humans embrace,” Blaze said. “Though you seem uncomfortably low on pride or honor.”

How I win fights is a lot less important to me than actually winning them. And running to live another day is a lot better than dying pointlessly. Honor and pride have their places, but not on the battlefield.

“Perhaps not to someone so… inexperienced. But honor is what distinguishes warriors from butchers. When you begin your training in earnest, you will learn.”

I’ve been learning from the naga for a while now. He’s done his best to beat honor into me. Don’t waste my time with that bullshit. I’d rather be a butcher than a warrior any day. The more people that fear my name, the fewer people will want to fight me.

“You would be surprised. When honorable warriors hear that their enemy lacks honor, they’ll fight all the harder, knowing that to beat you justifies their code. It becomes a matter of pride.”

Tch. Perhaps.

Before he could continue whining, I heard a whoosh of air, followed by a gentle splash and stirring of water as someone joined me in the spring. I propped myself up and looked over to find a male dragon about two hundred or so years my senior, thankfully not a purifier. Or at least, he wasn’t wearing armor. I nodded and said, “Greetings.”

“Hello, lady dragon,” he said with a grin. “Are you perhaps the visitor I have heard of? I believe it was… Tiamat?”

“It seems that news spreads quickly here. Yes, I am Tiamat.”

“I thought so. You’re quite… striking.” He finally swam over and planted himself next to me. “Will you tell me about the outside world? I’ve never been off Iceland!”

“I suppose. I’ve seen most of it. Is there any particular area you would like to discuss?”

“Well… We all know about the ponies. What’s Equestria like?”

Before I could even start, another male dragon landed in the springs, this one closer to my age. “So it’s true! There is a new visitor!”

“Hey, I got here first!” the other one said.

I grinned and rolled over onto my back so I could sit more comfortably. “I have plenty of tales to go around. There’s no need to hog me.”

The two of them were still glaring at each other and I started to wonder if I might have to break up a fight. Right as I got ready to say something else, a third male dragon joined us. Of all the problems to have, this isn’t one I was expecting. That got the three of them arguing about who got to talk to me. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

When the fourth fucker joined them, I face-clawed. Before the fifth could show up, I put two claws in my mouth and whistled over their argument. They all turned to me, once again smiling. “I’d be happy to talk to all of you,” I said with a sultry smile. “I have plenty of stories and we still have a few hours until night. You’re all welcome to join me. There’s no need to fight.”

They looked pretty uneasy about that. Thankfully, none of them felt their inner dragon jealousy kick in. The biggest one, which also happened to be the first one, snorted and said, “Fine. But I got here first!” I guess that gave him the right to sit right next to me and put his arm around me, because that’s exactly what he did. It was surprisingly comfortable. The others arranged themselves around me, grumbling about not getting to cuddle up close with me.

Once they were all settled, I started talking, telling stories about my time with the ponies and other races. Most of the stories were heavily modified, of course, but they lapped up every word.

And so did all the others who ended up joining us. By the time I finished the first story, half the spring was full of male dragons jockeying to get closer to me. They were splashing water all over the place and making relaxation difficult, but for some reason… I kinda liked it. I’m still definitely a guy and whatever, but it felt nice having a ton of people who were really attracted to me giving me attention. I guess flattering would be the right word.

Once I was done telling them the second story, which was an abridged version of how I helped save a pony family by helping a naga clan fight another clan, I was literally surrounded by them. At that point, they all started clamoring to hear about something else.

I grinned and scratched idly at my chin. “Well… I’ve been around the world once or twice and I’ve seen all kinds of crazy things, including some no one else has likely ever borne witness to. I’ve seen the strange and horrific magic of a spider goddess in the land far to the south of Equestria, I watched the downfall of a horrible dictator in the jungles of Africa, I helped slay an ancient undead dragon at the bottom of the world, I witnessed the rebirth of the Crystal Empire, I’ve freed slaves held by unjust masters, I’ve fought crime across the world… In fact, one of the only places I haven’t seen yet is Tartarus, and that might well be my next destination.”

A lot of them gasped and several of them started asking about the various things I mentioned.

I happily chuckled and waved a claw. “Please, please, one at a time! I’m only one dragon!”

One of the bigger ones jumped forward. “Tell us about the undead dragon!”

“I suppose. There’s not too terribly much to that story, I’m afraid. That’s part of the reason I’m looking forward to going to Tartarus; I believe the dragon’s master is hiding there and I want to bring him to justice for doing that to my kin.” Some of them ooh’d and some aah’d. All of them leaned closer to listen as I began telling the tale in earnest.

By the time I finished that story, two of the male dragons started rubbing my lower claws. I thought about stopping them, but it felt way too good. I was kinda starting to wonder where all the female dragons were. The fact that I was getting covered in attention made me wonder how interesting or sexy the locals were.

The next story they requested was the one about Arachne. As I told that one, the large dragon that had his hand over my shoulder gently lifted me up and put me on his lap. Before I could protest, he started rubbing my back. It felt too good to stop him, so I just leaned forward so he’d have a better angle. The others watched with jealousy as he made me sigh in delight.

After the spiders, they wanted to hear about the Crystal Empire, since apparently that was a great enemy of theirs back in the day and some of them actually remembered hearing about their parents fighting Sombra. A few of the ones that were watching jealously left and almost immediately returned with a large variety of gems for me.

When I tried taking one in my claw, the dragon holding it forward snatched it back. I got the hint and let him feed me. I made sure to look them in the eyes and use my tongue to take it from their talons, of course. For some reason, that garnered a lot of blushes and several more jealous glances.

For the record, emeralds taste like a weird and disgusting mix of broccoli and salad, rubies taste like venison, diamonds cleaned off the taste of everything else, and amethyst tastes like a weird mix of grapes and plums. All things told, rubies and amethysts were easily the best and I made sure to do my best to be as lewd as possible while eating those.

After that story, I could most definitely feel the large dragon dick of the dragon rubbing my shoulders. It was pressing into my back and every time I shifted, the dragon grunted.

I made sure to shift a lot.

The next story was the one about Pertz. While I was telling it, several of the younger dragons left and came back with various gifts for me, mostly really fancy jewelry. It didn’t take them very long at all to have me decked out like a princess, which apparently made all of them want me even more. I guess at that point, their lust and their greed were both kicking in hard and they all wanted a piece of me.

The next story they got was the one about helping slaves, since I really didn’t want to tell the one about crime since it actually happened during the Europe Party when some of them might have been present. The sun was finally setting at that point, and I really had a feeling it would embolden all of them, so I made sure to make that story as interesting and long as possible so none of them could wander off and try to bring me more shit.

By the time it was done, the two dragons that were rubbing my feet were now just holding my legs and staring at me in desire. The one rubbing my back was now just holding me across the chest, pressing me up against him. All the others were just staring lustfully. The sun was finally down and I was extremely relaxed. Apparently something about being pampered and massaged by dozens of guys while in a hot spring just melts the stress away.

As soon as I finished that story, I made a point of looking at the sky. “My oh my, night already?” I mused aloud. “How time flies when you’re having fun…”

A few of them looked up as well, seeming surprised. I guess they actually did lose track of time. One of the dragons moved forward and took one of my claws. “If you don’t have a place to stay, you’re welcome in my cave tonight!”

That opened the fucking floodgates. The guy holding me tightened his grip and started growling. The two holding my legs pulled on them slightly. Someone else grabbed my other claw. Just about everyone started yelling.

As amusing as it was to watch, I really didn’t want to get ripped apart, though I’m sure whatever gravestone I got would say I deserved it. Thankfully, I had an unlikely savior in the form of a female dragoness, who appeared from behind me and smacked the guy who initially offered me a place to stay. “Are you offering that… that hussy a place in our cave?!”

That killed the arguments and seemed to remind quite a few of the dragons present that maybe they actually shouldn’t be offering a really attractive and mysterious dragoness a place to stay. Especially not since a lot of them were apparently already in relationships.

The dragon who got hit let go of me and stared at his dragonessfriend with guilt in his eyes. “I was just… you know… trying to be a good host! She’s, you know… new here or whatever…”

“Oh, of course that’s all you were doing,” she replied. “She’s new here, huh? And her bright and shiny scales and perfect coloration and dark green eyes and… and… Ugh, I know exactly what you were trying to do! Well, you can either come with me right now or you can sleep out on the rocks!”

He sighed and started filing away behind her in shame. About half the guys surrounding me did the same, though most of them looked back a few times. That definitely helped, but I still had one guy holding onto a leg and one guy holding onto my body, not to mention several others that seemed happy that a lot of the competition was gone.

Before anyone else could offer to host me for the night, I smiled and said, “I do happen to have a place to stay, actually. Now that I’m feeling so relaxed after such a long journey, I think I might retire. I’d like an early start tomorrow.” Of course, that started an influx of people offering to walk me home, but I quickly lifted one of my ring-covered claws. “Please, there’s no need. It’s not too far at all. So if you don’t mind…”

The guy holding my leg very regretfully let go. After a gentle nudging, the guy hugging me also let go, though he did so with a loud sigh.

“I’ll be here for another few days for sure,” I said with a grin as I started swimming to the other edge of the water. “And I’ll be doing quite a lot of flying around, so I’ll need plenty of time to relax. If any of you want to talk anymore, you might find me here tomorrow night.”

I finally got to the edge and hopped out. Since I had been sitting still for so long, I made a point to stretch out my body. All of my body. They got to see every single curve, nook and cranny.

Once I was finally limbered up, I looked back with a small smile. Every single one of them was gaping and blushing. A few were making efforts to hide impressive erections. Some didn’t even have the presence of mind to do that. “So I’ll see you all tomorrow. Sweet dreams~” I finished with a wink. A few croaked some kind of reply, but most couldn’t even manage that. I turned back and started walking to my cave, shaking my tail quite a lot more than I had any right to.

I think I might enjoy it here after all…

When I got back to the cave, I found that it was still empty. It was fairly late and I still hadn’t seen hide nor tail of Spike. A part of me was worried, but I honestly had a feeling there was no way I’d find him if I went out to look. If anything, I figured I’d probably just end up getting in some kind of trouble.

That probably made me a shitty friend, but I was kinda tired and I did tell Spike that he would mostly be on his own, so instead of doing the right thing and going out to look for him, I went to sleep in a pile of the gifts the other dragons gave me. For some reason, it felt pretty nice to know it was all safe.

When I first got to the dream realm, Twilight was still awake and Luna wasn’t online. Instead, I started poking around some dreams. For some reason, there were an inordinately high number of red dreams around me. I decided privacy was for squares and started looking. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority of said dreams were about me.

I decided to increase the number of red dreams. After all, red is still better than black, right?

I don’t think Blaze agreed. I also didn’t really care what he thought, so whatever.

After about twenty or so new wet dreams, Twilight was finally asleep. As soon as I started writing on her bubble, it popped and she appeared in front of me. “We might have a problem,” she immediately said.

“No shit, I may have just started a fucking war.”

“And I may not be able to help you prevent it now. Something happened to Kat when she opened the last archive and she passed out. Diagnostic spells picked up nothing. She was wearing your ring and using your key, so she shouldn’t have activated any magical traps. I left the ring and key with Doppel and Spider and teleported out with her immediately. They got the books we needed, but they couldn’t figure out how to make the key work, so all the doors are unlocked now. If Celestia gets suspicious, she’ll notice what we did immediately.”

“Fucking… God dammit. Has she woken up yet?”

“No.”

“Shitfire.” I closed my eyes and thought about Kat. When I opened my eyes, I was still looking at Twilight. “She’s not dreaming.”

She closed her eyes for a second as well before opening them and shaking her head. “I don’t understand. She was wearing the ring. How could this have happened?”

“Well, the ring doesn’t protect against non-magical traps and I don’t think the key blocks them either. Celestia may have put some kind of poison needle in the lock that activated when it was opened.”

“No, my diagnostics would have picked it up and healing her would have fixed it, or at least had some effect. As far as I can tell, she’s… well, she’s brain dead. Not even Cascade can get a response from her, according to Aqua. She’s still breathing, but...”

“This is literally the opposite of what we fucking need right now. God dammit! Did you at least get any information out of the books?”

“...Some. Not nearly as much as I need, though. I’m not positive about this since they’ve moved around so much, but I believe I know the location of around fifty of the eggs, along with who the eggs originally belonged to. Their parents, I guess. But there are hundreds more I haven’t accounted for yet. I’m going to keep looking tomorrow, but at this point, I don’t know where else to search. We broke into every hidden royal archive I know about. Even if I can find all of them, the ones I’ve found so far are in places so well-guarded that it would take months of preparations to get them all. We need Celestia to agree to end the treaty and return the eggs.”

“Well, that’s gonna be the goal of tonight’s little foray into her dreams. Did you learn anything more about why the treaty was even in place?”

“I’m afraid not. I believe the records about that were kept in the last storeroom and I haven’t had time to go back since Doppel and Spider brought me the books. Have you found anything? And have you told Spike?”

“Yes and yes. I know what I have isn’t the full story, though.” I gave her a quick rundown of the dragon’s side of events. When I was done, I said, “I told Spike earlier today, before I went to find the waters. He left and I haven’t seen him since. I know I need to find him and talk to him, but at the moment, I got a few bigger fish to fry.”

She closed her eyes in thought for a moment or two before shaking her head. “He’s not asleep. I hate that you had to tell him, but I understand that it was for the best. I just wish I had known. I could have… done so many things differently.”

“We both could have. Celestia has a lot to fucking answer for. I’m gonna try and get answers from her tonight, but I imagine Spike and I will also confront her when we get back. Hell, this whole fucking mess is her fault anyway. If she had just told me everything that happened, I wouldn’t have brought Reginald back. If Bahamut takes over, I imagine she’ll get her just deserts. It’s just a shame she’ll probably take the entire planet down with her.”

“You don’t… you don’t think it’ll come to that, do you?”

“I really fucking hope not. I’m in too tenuous of a situation to contact Reginald at the moment. Bahamut’s having me followed by his cultists. I can’t ask him to leave.”

“What about in his dreams?”

“...That is a very good point.” I thought about him, but my head didn’t turn. “Looks like he isn’t currently asleep, but that doesn’t mean anything. But anyone who sleeps for years at a time might not be able to really adjust back to sleeping one night at a time. It’s possible he’ll be awake for months. Until he sleeps, all I can do is present the facts as they are to Celestia and hope that she sees reason. Do you know if she’ll be falling asleep any time soon?”

She shrugged. “Celestia’s been sparring with Blaze all day. It’s kept her so occupied that breaking into the archives was easy. What you said to her last night really set her off. I did let her know that you needed to talk to her tonight, but she didn’t say whether or not she’d accept you.”

“Did you maybe mention that the fate of the world might literally depend on it?”

She blinked a few times. “Um. No. I guess that probably would have been the way to go, huh?”

God dammit, Twilight. “What’s done is done. I’ll lock her dream down before I enter and force her to talk to me, if I have to.” I really hope I don’t have to. “Where is Kat right now?”

“She’s back on the ship. I found Black Fate and Zecora. They’re taking turns watching her. If she’s not awake by morning, I’m going to contact Athena. I’ll try to keep you updated, but if Celestia finds out what we’re doing with the books, I might not be in a position to talk.”

“...How would she stop you from dreaming?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. If that happens, you’ll be on your own. I don’t think anyone else on your crew has the abilities and knowledge required to find the eggs. Maybe Watcher, but he’s traveling north to the Crystal Empire.”

“What the fuck is he doing up there?”

“Research into Tartarus. The library up there hasn’t been censored as heavily by Celestia. He’s hoping to find more information. Gourd is going to head that way in a few days to pick him up and trade.”

“Man. We really, really dropped the ball on this one, huh?”

She sighed and shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault, Nav. There’s no way you could have known what their response to seeing Reginald would be. As you said, this is almost entirely Celestia’s fault. If she hadn’t hidden so much of history, we could have known. Reginald also shares a good chunk of the blame, because he didn’t tell you nearly enough of the story. As it stands, I imagine you would have been much better off just going alone. You could have found the fire elemental today and flown back tomorrow.”

“Hindsight is twenty/twenty, or so my people say. I thought it would be nice for Spike to learn who he was.”

“I don’t think any of us were expecting his life to be such a lie. Do you think you’ll be able to help him find his parents?”

“I honestly don’t know. He looked… so incredibly lost and broken when I told him the news. I need to talk to him again, but finding him might be hard. All he has to do is tell someone who he really is and he’ll instantly be a celebrity. It might also end up with me getting torn to pieces. It would also probably increase the anger here to the point where Bahamut pushes his time scale up and goes to kill Reginald immediately.”

She trotted in place for a moment, which was a lot more adorable than it should have been. “I really hope he knows better.”

“No fucking shit. I warned him before he left to be careful, but he’s in a lot of pain.”

“I can understand that. I know how bad I felt after I learned how horrible Celestia really is. But she’s practically his mother. To learn that she did that to him… I really wish I could talk to him right now.”

You and me both. “Even if he refuses to come back with me, I’ll get him to agree to speak with you in his dreams every now and then. What happened to him wasn’t your fault and I’m going to try to make him realize that.”

She floated over and hugged me. “Thank you, Nav. And thank you for being there for him when I can’t.”

“Of course, Twilight. I’m always happy to help you. Aqua can suck a big fat one, but you’re totes cool.”

She sighed and pulled away. “What did she do this time?”

“She beat the shit out of me.”

Her head tilted slightly and she said, “Aqua says you’re hugely overstating.”

“She slapped me three times. The first time hurt. The second time really hurt. The third time threw me a few meters backwards into the ocean. Then she tried to choke me.”

“She… did not have a reply to that.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. I love all that talk about how Flo abusing me is horrible and about how I should be free to make my own choices. Really makes me wonder what else that harlot is lying about.”

Twilight’s eyes flashed blue and Aqua sweetly smiled. “I am not your elemental, Navarone.”

“Oh yeah, keep justifying your physical abuse. That’s how Flo started, you know. She had to justify it to herself at first. But after enough time, it was just reactionary. I’d do something and she’d immediately hit me without a word. I wonder how long it’ll take for you to take her place, slapping me around whenever I do something you don’t like.”

She smirked. “Oh, I believe my point has been made. I highly doubt more will be necessary.”

“Keep talking shit if you want, Aqua. Once you aren’t useful anymore, we’ll see who has the last laugh. Elementals might be strong, but I guarantee that I have a few friends who are stronger.”

“Perhaps. The future is a very uncertain thing, Navarone. I’ve lived long enough to know that better than you ever will.”

I bet I could find enough air elementals to have this bitch locked away again. That was a thought for later, though. “Either put Twilight back in control or I’m leaving.” She blinked and her eyes opened to their normal purple hue. “Your elemental is an abusive piece of shit.”

“...I’m going to have a very long talk with her about what she did to you, Nav,” Twilight slowly said.

“Good.” On a whim, I thought of Celestia and found myself looking at a white bubble. “Celestia’s asleep. Do you want to be there when I confront her?”

“No. I don’t want her to know that I know yet. With luck, I can get the key and lock the archives back before she realizes.”

“Get some rest, then. It’s time I get some answers.”

“Be careful, Nav. You really hurt her last night. What you said was true and it did need to be said, but that doesn’t mean she was ready to hear it. Or that you couldn’t have said it in a better way. When she finds out that you told Spike the truth and that she might have a war on the horizon… She is not going to be happy with you.”

“I’m not looking forward to this conversation.”

She sighed and floated up to kiss me again. “For luck.”

Before she could pull back, I grabbed her head. “Sorry Twiley, but I’m gonna need all your luck for this one. Hope you don’t mind.” I pulled her closer and actually made out with her for a minute or two. When I pulled away, she looked pretty pleased with herself.

“H-happy to help!”

“Good. Now get some sleep. It’s time.”

She nodded. “I’ll talk to you later, Nav.” With that, she disappeared and the bubble reappeared.

I hopped over to Celestia’s dream and summoned the defenders. “Lock this dream down,” I said. “Nothing but me gets in or out.” They surrounded it and pressed their hands against it.

“Well, here goes nothing,” I quietly said before jumping in.

When I appeared in her dream, it was to blackness. Before I could move, she said from behind me, “What is the absolute worst thing you have ever seen, Nav?”

“Celestia, we really need to talk.”

“Shh.” Something caressed my back and then I felt her breathe into my ear. “Tell me the worst thing you’ve seen.”

“...In person?”

“Of course.”

There were a lot of them, but one in particular came to mind. “Probably the dawn of the morning Miguel and I took that cat town. It seemed like half the city was on fire. We could hear screams everywhere. I didn’t even know blood really had a smell, before then. But it was shed so thick that day it burned itself into the back of my mind. Between that and the fire, it was hard to breathe. You got there on the tail end of that one. You didn’t get to see the horrible shitshow it was. Why?”

“My hooves are not as clean as you think they are.”

With that, I could suddenly see. I beheld a massive battlefield, spanning several miles in width. She and I were a few hundred meters in the air, looking down on it. I couldn’t really hear much of anything where I was, but I didn’t really have to. I couldn’t really tell who was fighting who. All the ponies were working together, so it was obviously after Celestia reunited them. They were fighting alongside changelings, so it was before relations fell apart. It looked like they were mainly fighting against minotaurs and dogs, though I noticed a good number of unicorns and pegasi running sorties for both sides, along with dozens of mercenaries of other races.

Before I could really get a grasp of it, Celestia forced me to look at her with magic. “This was the largest battle I have ever fought in, Navarone. It lasted a week. I literally fought hoof, horn, and wing for one week without rest. No food, no water, no sleep. I fought because I decided to let Luna play at politician. She caused the war you see now, Navarone. That was the last time I let her near any real power. I used her the way I had to use her. Don’t you dare tell me what I did was wrong. You can tell that to all the ponies who died in this battle. And if you continue pushing me, I might let you tell them in person.”

I don’t think Celestia is very happy right now. “So you know how I said we needed to talk, right?”

“The only things I need you to say right now is ‘Yes, Celestia’. Now do we have an understanding?”

“Maybe you have me mistaken for a child, Celestia.” She narrowed her eyes. “I know you’re angry right now and I know I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did. For what very little it’s worth, I’m sorry. But I still think it needed to be said. The truth hurts, Celestia. You don’t need another person telling you that what you did was right. You need someone that’ll make you take a look at yourself and realize what you did had consequences. Luna was your easy way out of a lot of bad situations. It worked at the time, but I guarantee that if you had just done things yourself, correctly, you could have prevented a lot of problems down the line.”

She scoffed. “Like what? Equestria is the most powerful nation in the world. The dogs are nothing. Chrysalis and her changelings are nothing. The cats are nothing.”

I crossed my arms. “Don’t play stupid, Celestia. You know where I am right now. What did you think I would find when Spike and I got here?” Her eyes widened. “Oh yeah, I brought Spike. And we didn’t come looking just for a fire elemental, either.”

“YOU TOOK SPIKE?!

“Uh huh.”

She spun around and kicked me dead in the face. Before I could react, I was back in the anteroom and her dream was black.

“Man, that could have gone a lot better, huh?” I mused aloud. Blaze just laughed at me.

I sighed and hopped back in. As soon as I did, Celestia forced me to the ground. “Why can’t I wake up?!”

“Because I need to talk to you and you aren’t going anywhere until I do. You can either be a grown up and let me say what I need to say or you can sleep until you starve. Your choice.”

“He isn’t safe there, Nav! You don’t understand!”

“I might understand more than you think, Celestia. I understand that he was a prisoner. I understand that you were experimenting on him like a goddamn animal. I understand that you hatched him and raised him in captivity. And I understand that you kept all this from him so he’d be your fucking slave. So tell me, what don’t I understand?”

She sighed and let me go, then sat down. The sky turned white and I finally got a chance to look around. We were now in an empty meadow, away from the world. I sat next to her.

“I really should have known you couldn’t have just left well enough alone. I really should’ve... “ She sighed and hung her head. “I should have killed Reginald myself.”

“Celestia, what happened with the dragons? Spike and I got part of the story, but we didn’t get the whole thing. He’s awfully pissed and I’m kinda getting there. Reginald ditched us as soon as we got here and we got trundled off to meet some bad-ass motherfucker named Bahamut. He’s giving Reginald a week to leave before he leads a coup. Judging by the size of his army, it’ll be a fast one, and then they’ll be coming for you next. I need to know what happened.”

She just stared at me for a moment, shaking her head in silence. “I can’t believe you, Nav. I let you go to Iceland because I thought you were just going to free this… thing. Instead, you dig into secrets that should have stayed forgotten and opened wounds that never healed. I let you go to Iceland to pick up a fire elemental and you started a war.”

“Look, I’ve already gotten shamed for this once. And beat around. You could have prevented this by warning me and asking me to not bring Spike, but you thought keeping it secret was too important. Well, the secret’s out and you got a war brewing here that looks like it’s been three thousand years in the making. I got a lot of pissed off lizards looking at you right now, Celestia, and they seem almightily hungry. I need to know why so we can start fixing this before both of you assholes crack the planet in half and Discord laughs as we all burn to death.”

“...What do you know?”

“I know Pyrite sent Reginald to help you guys fight Discord. Luna and Reginald became friends. According to Bahamut, they became more than friends. A bunch of time passed and eventually, Luna destroyed a ship full of dragon eggs. That nearly kicked off a war, but you and Pyrite came up with treaties. You blackmailed Reginald into supporting yours. It gave you one dragon egg every ten years to use as a hostage.”

She snorted. “Well. It sounds like you spoke to Bahamut himself. Or maybe one of his… purifiers.”

“Bahamut and I had a face to face. It was… uncomfortable.”

“I can only imagine. Well, he gave you a lot of lies with a few sprinkles of truth here and there. Do you want to know what really happened?”

“Don’t waste my time, Celestia.”

She slapped me with a wing and began talking. “Three months before Luna found that ship, it was bound for Europe full of mail and gold. Before it landed, it was taken by pirates. We knew the ship was missing, but ships go missing all the time. Months later, I sent Luna’s fleet to Africa because a group of pirates was getting a little too large for my liking. Before she could get there, she ran into our missing ship. It tried running, but one does not run far from Luna, not when she’s angry. She captured the entire ship, its crew, and its goods. It was hauling one dragon egg, bought fair and square. I’ll give you one guess as to whose it was.”

“...If you’re saying that, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s Bahamut’s.”

“Bingo. He sold one of his fertilized eggs to pirates for a huge amount of gold. That is the ship that Luna intercepted. It had one egg and she didn’t sink it.”

“I kinda got a feeling Bahamut didn’t like someone finding out that he sold one of his own eggs.”

“You are correct. The dragons have always had a code, though it was never official until he made it so. Looking after other dragons is the first thing on it. He sold one of his own children into slavery and Luna had proof. He was absolutely not happy. Before we could fully process what we had on our hooves, he was calling us egg-breaking murderers and trying to instigate an all-out war to cover up what he did. Luna presented the proof to Reginald, who took it to Pyrite. In the end, Pyrite and I both did write treaties, but Reginald knew that the only way to stop Bahamut from seeking revenge was hostages. If we had eggs to hide behind, we were safe. Bahamut’s supporters would never move against us. Bahamut alone would have tried, but he knew he was no match for Reginald and Luna together. So to stop a potential war, Reginald talked Pyrite into signing my treaty. It’s absolutely horrible, but it’s the only way to stop Bahamut from killing us all to hide what he did.”

“Why didn’t you tell all of his supporters? If you showed them the proof—”

“After the treaty was signed, we tried. Reginald went back and tried talking to Bahamut’s primary supporters, but Bahamut found out and ambushed him before he could make it. Luna actually teleported in when she realized what was happening and she managed to barely save Reginald. She took him back to their old stronghold in the Everfree, where he slept for hundreds of years to recover from the battle. She wanted revenge, but I forbade her from going near Iceland.”

“Wow.”

“Indeed. I had hoped Reginald’s return would be the beginning of mended wounds for Iceland. It appears that I might have been mistaken.”

“That’s a word for it, yeah. Bahamut built an entire cult around the dragon code. You’re their Satan. Half of them want to murder you horribly. The other half wants to watch. Reginald coming here kinda woke all that hate up and made them remember how much they really don’t like you. So we got a week to fix this or make Reginald leave, which might put a band-aid on it for another few years. After that week’s up, I don’t think any number of hostages is gonna really help you. Especially not if they find out that you’ve been experimenting with them.”

“...I could have picked much better guardians for a few of the eggs I received. What happened with Spike was not something I ordered. They’ve moved around so much over the years that… Well, one accident is all it took before I had them all tracked down and placed under my own eye.”

“...One accident?”

“Yes, Navarone. One. Spike is the only one that was ever hatched. I counted the remaining eggs myself. I chose to raise Spike. In the event other dragons learned that I had hatched one of the eggs, I wanted it known that I treated the prisoner with the utmost of respect. My plan for Spike was to raise him to maturity, then tell him the truth and send him to Iceland with proof of what Bahamut had done. If he came out as one of the hostages, the purifiers would treat him like a god. I was hoping that if he had proof that Bahamut instigated the war to hide his own wrong-doing, that he would lose all of his supporters.”

“Well, we’re here now. I kinda get the feeling no amount of proof could undo some of what I’m seeing. I think they’re out for blood.”

“...And you took Spike with you. Please tell me he’s safely with you.”

I awkwardly scratched the back of my neck.

“Navarone, where is my son?” she very slowly asked.

“After I told him the truth, he left to get some air. That was a few hours ago. I wanted to look for him, but the purifiers are watching me like a hawk.”

“...Are you prisoners?”

“I get the feeling that showing up with Reginald and then walking into the middle of all the people that really hated him might have been a mistake.” She slowly lifted a hoof to her face. “I’m not saying we’re prisoners, but we’re on short leashes. I know I’m being followed, at the very least. I assume Spike is as well. That said, I don’t think he’d be dumb enough to leave the area without me. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“He’s roaming around alone in the middle of a viper’s nest. And you’re sure he’s fine. I don’t care if you have to look in every cave on that island, Navarone. You go and you find my son. You aren’t coming back to Equestria without him.”

“It’ll be his choice, Celestia. I’m going to tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do. You can hide behind niceties all you want, but he was your prisoner. I’m gonna do my best to keep him safe, but I don’t know if love’s gonna make him come back to you.”

“...If you take him from me, I am going to make you regret it. It may not be directly. It may not be something you even notice. But if Spike turns his back on me, you will absolutely regret it.”

There aren’t many people who can effectively threaten me, but holy shit. “...I’ll do my best to make him come back.”

“Now go find him. I don’t care what you have to do. Find him and make sure he’s safe. And for the love of light, let me wake up!”

I stepped out of her dream and dismissed the guardians. It instantly disappeared and I found myself letting out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding.

“Holy shit.”

I was expecting a reply from Blaze, but I got one from Luna instead. “Troubles with my sister?” she quietly asked.

I jumped and spun, my eyes going wide. “What the—Jesus, where the fuck did you come from?”

“I slink. Would you be willing to talk more, Navarone?”

I really don’t have time for this, but what the hell. “Sure, but only if you tell me about what happened between Reginald and Bahamut.”

“...I don’t think my sister would be happy for me to speak about that.”

“She isn’t happy for a lot of reasons right now.”

“What do you know already, Navarone?”

I shrugged and told her everything I knew about the treaty and everything surrounding it. When I was done, she began pacing.

“Celestia didn’t tell you every detail, but she told you most of the important ones,” she finally said. “What she did not tell you is that I actually suspected the pirate ship was carrying an egg. I was helping Reginald discover who was selling dragon eggs and hatchlings to criminals. We had already captured several dangerous slave-dragons and we were closing in on their source. I happened upon that ship while I was on the way to the pirate stronghold to get more information. Once I had the ship, the egg, and all the prisoners to back me up, we presented everything to Pyrite. Unfortunately, his mind was too addled to be of use. He had enough supporters that he was able to stop Bahamut from attacking us, but he couldn’t make Bahamut’s supporters back down. The treaty was Reginald’s idea. His reasoning is that we already had one egg as a prisoner, the one that Bahamut had originally sold. It was working pretty well to keep them from attacking us, so he was hoping that more of them would keep us safe as time went on and Bahamut’s power grew.”

“That sounds like a huge clusterfuck.”

“It was. Reginald went back after the treaty was signed to attempt to convince Bahamut’s supporters of the truth. He was waylaid and used a talisman I gave him to call for my help. I came in time to save him, but I wasn’t powerful enough to teleport him back myself. Celestia came to my aid, but only on the condition that I leave the dragons to their own devices and never help Reginald again.” She stopped pacing and looked down. “The rift she drove between us is… a very significant part of why I later fell to the darkness within myself.”

Wow. “And have you… told her that?”

She flinched back and looked up at me, eyes wide. “No!”

“Honesty’s a hell of a drug, Luna. You should tell her. She thinks that you don’t blame her for what you’ve become. You should tell her the truth.”

“I… I could never! She would…”

“Do what? Lock you in Tartarus and throw away the key? You’re already at rock bottom, Luna. You ain’t got nowhere to go but up. Way I figure, honesty’s a pretty good way to start your new life. And burying some of those skeletons you got in your closet’s a pretty good second. That sister of yours is a real fucking bitch. I reckon it’s time you might should let her know it.”

Her ears flopped down. “I’m not… I couldn’t!”

“You are and you can. You’re not a little filly anymore, Luna. You’re a grown-ass mare. You don’t have to obey Celestia anymore. You aren’t even a princess anymore, so there’s no need to hold onto decorum. You could waltz right up to her, slap her across the face, and tell her what an absolute piece of shit she is and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you. You may not be as strong as she is anymore, but who cares? It’s better that everything get put out into the open anyway. Stop hiding behind lies. Tell her every single piece of the truth. Make her truly understand what she put you through. If she ever cared for you, even a little, she’ll listen and in the end, she’ll be happy that you told her. Wounds don’t get better by hiding them away, Luna. You can’t just give it time. You need to talk to her.”

She burst into tears and sobbed before disappearing.

“God dammit, can I go just once today without fucking everything up?”

“I think you had her full attention, right before you bored her to tears,” Blaze sarcastically replied.

“So this is why the water elementals hate you people,” I muttered.

“I find myself wanting to help you less and less as time goes on. At this point, the only thing keeping me going is wiping that smug look off Aqua’s face. I despise Mist for what she did to me, but by the flames, Aqua is such a cunt. Lock me in a room with both of them and I’m not sure which I’d try to kill first. It’s amazing how many bonds form because of how much of a witch one woman is, Nav.”

“Love you too, honey buns.” He sighed in disgust.

I had a feeling that finding Spike should probably have been on the top of my to-do list after what Celestia told me, but I’m really bad about priorities. So instead I looked around for Twilight’s dream to see if I could update her. She was no longer asleep, which gave me a bad feeling in my gut. But it left me without other options, so instead, I left the world of dreams and fell into a fitful rest. If I remembered any of the dreams, they probably would have been nightmares.

When I finally woke up, I got to immediately move something from the top of my to-do list to my done list, because Spike was right there in front of me, chomping on sapphires with Kumani, of all dragons. Man, I am the best at dragon wrangling, holy shit. Two for one, bitches!

Both of them looked over when I sat up. “‘Bout time you woke up, Tiamat,” Spike said. Alright, so Kumani doesn’t know I’m me. “It’s getting pretty late.”

“Cry me a river, Spike. Who is this?”

“I am Kumani,” my ex-dragonessfriend said. “Why are you traveling with Spike?”

“Because he needed help to find his way home. It seems the two of you are acquainted.”

“We are,” she said. “He never mentioned you.”

“And he never mentioned you, whelp,” I replied. “How do you know him?”

“We… traveled together in the past.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Come on, Kumani. You might as well tell her the truth. I trust Tiamat. Otherwise I wouldn’t be traveling with her.”

Kumani crossed her arms. “I was involved with one of Spike’s friends. It ended poorly. I ran into Spike this morning and we were catching up. He brought me here to meet you. I’m not really sure why I agreed.”

“Well, duh,” Spike said. “You can’t talk to any of the dragons here about what happened. But we’re different. I already know and Tiamat doesn’t care about the code. And you know, she’s really wise, sometimes. When you can get around the gruff and meanness.”

“You’re about to see some of that gruff and meanness up close and in person, Spike.” He rolled his eyes and chucked a few sapphire chunks at me. I caught them with ease and ate, feeling at least a little better. I was still very irked that he hunted my ex down and forced me to talk to her, but at least I didn’t feel like chomping his head off for it anymore. “Better.” I looked over at Kumani, who was eyeing me with some wariness. “What ails you?”

She scratched the back of her neck. Spike sighed and said, “Her last boyfriend wasn’t a dragon, so she can’t tell anyone here.”

She blushed super hard and glared at him. “That’s private!”

“And now it is not,” I said. “Do you think I am a stranger to such things? It is not so black and white outside of this island. Purifiers are very close-minded. There are some perks to other species when you are young. Not many, but some. But you said this relationship ended poorly. I take it your beloved met a… bitter end?”

“He wasn’t my… beloved. I thought he might have been when I first met him, but I realized that might have just been my heat. When it ended, I realized that I may have made a mistake.”

“We all make poor decisions when we are in season.”

She shivered slightly and nodded. “Yeah. But as time went on, I never really came to a conclusion one way or another. I really liked him, but I felt… I dunno, we weren’t really meant to be. He was a whole lot smarter than me. I like being dumb muscle sometimes, but not when it’s for the one you’re supposed to love. I dunno, that road just seemed to lead to a bad place…”

Well, Celestia and Luna showed us all where that one can go. “I am no stranger to unpleasant memories. I sense you haven’t told me everything.”

Kumani sighed and looked at Spike again. He nodded. Her shoulders sagged and she continued, looking back at me. “The guy I was with changed. A lot. He wasn’t happy with the change. And when I should have been there helping him adjust, I selfishly thought about how it would affect me. That began driving us apart. In the end, he found himself trapped in a place I couldn’t follow. Instead of even trying, I gave up and abandoned him. When he needed me most… I wasn’t there. I failed him and I want to apologize. I don’t want him to love me, but I don’t want his last memory of me to be as someone who abandoned him.”

“...Then you should find him and apologize. The world may be a big place, but you are a dragon. You have the resources to find him. Do it.”

She looked away. Spike put a hand on her shoulder and looked at me. “She’s afraid to.” That made her blush even harder and she smacked his claw away.

“Fear is the mind killer,” I said. “I know how you young ones think. In your mind, you stand in front of a door of possibilities. You want to open it. The only thing stopping you is a worm at the back of your mind, making you doubt. Will you stand in that doorway forever, wondering what could have been? Or do you turn that handle and go to the other side? Will you wallow in regret and self-pity, or will you stand up and admit you made a mistake? Will you, who have lived among the purifiers all your life, allow your pride to stand in your way? Or will you see it for the weakness that it is and do the right thing? That mindset is wrong. Regret is for mortals, young one. We are dragons. We are eternal. You do not stand in a doorway of possibilities. You are already on both sides. You do what you want, regardless of what the purifiers tell you. There is no choice in the matter. To be a dragon is to want and then to do. You want to apologize. Stop pretending there’s something stopping you and go do it.”

It took both of them a while to work up the nerve to reply. Spike managed it first, and he just managed to utter, “Wow.”

I fixed him with my steely gaze. “Do you have something to add?”

He rubbed the back of his neck before looking at Kumani. “I uh… I think I know where he is. Or at least, where you can find him.”

Kumani tore her gaze off me and looked at him. “Where?!”

“Canterlot. Celestia made him a noble, so he’s been spending a lot of time there. If he’s not there right now, it probably wouldn’t be hard to track him or wait for him.”

“In… Canterlot?” she slowly asked, her eyes going wide.

“Is that a… problem?” Spike slowly asked.

“It’s expensive. Very expensive. And while I was gone… Well, my hoard was stolen.”

“I believe I may have a solution,” I said. “Before Spike and I left, I was approached by a very frilly pony. She asked if I would be interested in participating in a beauty contest. Despite my stunningly good looks, I declined, but told her I would ask around for others while I was here. If you seek her out and tell her you are interested in competing, she would be happy to help you. It would give you time in Canterlot and it might give you a chance to get some gold back.”

“That… could work,” she slowly said. “But I never really thought… Well, I’m not… I dunno, am I beautiful?”

She was looking at me when she asked, but I immediately looked at Spike. “That takes a male’s opinion, I believe,” I said. Her gaze turned to him.

His ear spines fell. Oh yeah, how do those bus tires feel now, bitch? Maybe next time you won’t wake me up for a convo with my ex. “Uh… Of course! Of course you’re beautiful!”

“He doesn’t sound very convinced,” I coldly said. Kumani sighed and Spike started clacking his claws together. I figured that was probably the best I was gonna get from him, so I shrugged. “I suppose his mind has been blinded by my beauty. I’m afraid most others pale in comparison. For what little it’s worth, I happen to believe your form is fair, though I admit it’s not quite matured. Were you of age, I would be happy to ravish you.” Is that a little too creepy? Eh, whatever.

“At least there’s that,” she muttered.

“Regardless, there is more to beauty than looks,” I said. “The pageant she is building looks at other aspects. It is for all races, after all, so actual looks matter far less than the other parts. I did not get all the details, but I’m sure she would be happy to explain everything. I advise you put your affairs in order as soon as you can and go before she finds another dragon to fill the spot.”

“...Alright. What’s her name?”

“Fleur de Lis. She will not be hard to find.”

“Then farewell.”

She started walking out, but Spike coughed and said, “It was nice seeing you again, Kumani!”

“You as well, Spike,” she replied without looking back. Spike sighed and hung his head.

When she was gone, I looked back at him. He was looking at me with the biggest grin on his face.

I wiped it off by shoving him across the cave. “Eat a dick, bitch.”

“Ugh, don’t even talk to me about eating dicks. Not after the night I had!” He picked himself off the ground and dusted himself off. “You handled that really well, Nav. I’m honestly impressed. I gotta say, I’m really looking forward to what she’s gonna say when she realizes who you really are.”

“Which she never will,” I replied. “Now what do you mean? What did you do last night.”

He sighed and looked down. “...Promise you won’t tell anyone.”

I crossed my claws. “I promise.”

“...I accidentally bucked a male dragon.”

“You fucking what?!” Before he could reply, I burst out laughing. He sighed again and did his best to bear it stoically. It got a little hard for him when I actually fell on the ground and started rolling, though. After a few minutes, he stomped a foot on the ground in anger, which finally started calming me down. Well, more that it had run its course, but still.

Once I was done, aside from a few bursts of giggles here and there, he finally started explaining how he was now gay. “After what you told me yesterday, I walked around the mountain for a while. I ended up bumping into a group of teenage dragons. They invited me to hang out. I was still feeling pretty… down, but I agreed. After a while, they started leaving for various reasons. Finally, it was just me and this one really feminine dragon. I totally thought he was female at first. I figured that would be my chance, so I took it and kissed him. He kissed me back. One thing led to another and… Well, it wasn’t until I was inside of him that I realized he wasn’t quite as female as I thought.”

That got another round of laughs out of me, of course. I (mostly) stopped when he kicked me. “So what did you do?” I barely managed to ask.

“...Kept going.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or clap him on the shoulder. He didn’t let me decide and just continued. “I figured, buck it. It feels good for me, it feels good for him, it feels good together. Might as well. What’s one night, right?”

“I’m… happy for you, Spike. I really am. That’s a really weird way for you to come out of the closet, but—” He kicked me again. “Oh come on! I know you’re mad now, but god damn dude, this is fucking hilarious. You’re gonna tell this story all the time in five years, I promise.”

“Yeah well, it’s your bucking fault! Why didn’t you tell me all the differences between male and female dragons, huh?!”

“...Alright, I’ll admit my part of the blame. But you have to admit yours too, man. You’re telling me that you spent a few hours with this guy and you legit did not realize it was a dude? The entire time? Bullshit.”

“...I mighta had a few second thoughts. But I figured if it was a guy, he would have said no when I was kissing him!”

“Well, joke’s on you, I guess. You gonna visit his cave again before we leave?”

“...We didn’t do it in a cave.”

“Hot. Did you at least get his name in case you want to find him?”

“Yeah. I hope Fizzle isn’t a popular name. But I don’t think I’m gonna go looking. I was hoping I might pick Kumani up, but…”

“Dude, come on. She’s my ex.”

“Yeah, your ex. That means she could be mine now.”

“Hey man, you want used goods, you can take ‘em.”

He smirked. “I bet it would feel good as new once I got more than two inches in.” I shoved him across the cave again. “Fuck you too, Nav!”

“You wish. I bet I’m prettier than that hussy you banged last night anyway.”

“Jealous much?” he muttered.

“Eat a dick. Oh wait, you already did.”

“Ugh. Are you ever gonna let me live this down?”

“Hell no. Now shut your dick holster. I need to tell you some more shit before Claw shows up. I spoke to Celestia, Luna, and Twilight last night in their dreams and I got some more stuff you should know.”

“I… I thought we were gonna confront Celestia… together.”

“Maybe I didn’t make the urgency of what’s going on clear, Spike. We have less than a week to solve this crisis before the world basically ends. And I don’t mean that figuratively, I mean that literally. Bahamut is going to kill Pyrite and then Reginald and then destroy Equestria in less than a week unless we can find a way to stop him. We can still talk to Celestia together when we get back, but I thought it prudent to get some more information and let her know what’s up before armageddon.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. According to Luna, who no longer feels any loyalty to Celestia and has no reason to lie to me, what Bahamut told me yesterday was a crock of shit. He was selling his fertilized eggs to pirates and Luna caught him in the act by capturing the ship he was using to move them. He got super pissed because he knew that would be the end for him. Luna told Reginald, Reginald told Pyrite, Pyrite managed to stop Bahamut’s supporters from doing anything but couldn’t convince them of the truth. Bahamut was still super pissed and wanted to start shit. Reginald knew the only way to stop him was to give ponies more hostages. It was a pretty shitty solution, but it was the only way to stop a full-blown war between the ponies and dragons. After it was signed, Reginald tried to convince Bahamut’s supporters of the truth, but got his shit kicked in. Luna barely saved him. Celestia also told me that what happened to your egg was one hundred percent an accident, not at all something that she ordered, and that she decided to take responsibility as soon as she found out. She raised you as her son as a means of repentance for what she allowed to happen. She feels very guilty about it and absolutely does love you like a son.”

“...According to her.”

“Dude, you know Celestia and I don’t always get along. And you know she’s good at lying. But the absolute fury in her voice when I told her that I had you with me and the fear she had when she realized you were in danger… She loves you, dude. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You are her son. I’ll let you do whatever you want with that info. But my advice is to go back to her. Family is who you make it, not blood.”

“But… you can find my family, right? My blood family?”

“Twilight is working on that now,” I said. “She was able to find records for about fifty of the eggs, including all of the locations in which they were stored and who their parents were. We can cross-reference that with where she hatched you and find out who they are.” He jumped across the room and hugged me. It shocked me for a moment, but I hugged him back. “It might take a few days, but we’ll find out who you really are soon, Spike.”

“Thank you, Nav,” he whispered.

“Spike, I want you to know that no matter what we find, I’ll be there to support you. We aren’t leaving this island until we know the truth, one way or another. We’ll find your parents.”

I heard something very uncomfortable right behind me after I said that. Namely, the clearing of a throat, followed by Claw’s voice. “Perhaps we can help you with that,” he calmly said. He doesn’t sound angry and he doesn’t sound smug. I don’t think he heard much.

Spike yelled and jumped back, though. I put a hand on his shoulder before looking back at Claw. It was just him and he was smiling, so I assumed he didn’t hear too much. “How so?” I asked, trying to sound happy.

“We purifiers have a list of every egg that has ever gone missing from the horde. If Spike was lain here, we can go down the list, cross-referencing where you found him, what color his egg was, and how long ago you found him. The dragons near Equestria are a lot less organized, so if you were not lain here, finding them might be more difficult. Although…” His eyes honed in on me and then dilated. “Where did you find his egg? Was it perhaps hidden in Equestria? If so…” His eyes looked back down to Spike. “If so, we would have very many questions for you both.”

“It was not,” I very quickly replied. “I… was flying over the ocean one day, a few hundred years ago. I saw a pirate ship attacking a pony ship. I tore the pirate ship apart. Before it sank, I found a dragon egg on it. The ponies interrogated the only survivor and found out the egg was sold to them. He didn’t know who sold it. I took it as payment for help and brought it to the Equestrian dragons for safekeeping. Something happened and his egg was hatched. I met him later and decided to help him find his home.”

His head turned back to me, though his eyes lingered on Spike for just a moment before meeting mine. “And you lied to me.”

“...For that, you have my apologies,” I said. “But again, I am very ignorant of the Iceland ways. Spike’s egg was sold to slavers. If he was sold, him returning would be proof of that. If the parents found out, they might set out to kill him to keep the silence. I wanted to find them myself and then learn more about them, so I could tell if it was safe to let them meet him. I did it solely for our safety, and did not mean offense. Now that I know the code of the purifiers and I had a chance to speak it over with him, I was going to tell you the truth.” Fat fucking chance of that.

“I see. You will remain here. Spike will come with me.”

Oh boy. “I know more about his past than he does,” I quickly said. “He might not be able to tell you everything.”

“I believe we will get enough. Spike, come.”

I tried not to sigh and instead looked at Spike. He seemed a lot more nervous than I wish he would, and that made me resolve to teach him to hide his reactions better.

Ah hell, who am I kidding? I’m just gonna die soon anyway. “Go on,” I told him with a smile.

He slowly walked up to me and hugged me, placing his head right next to mine. “Kick. His. Ass,” he whispered.

Well, here we go. “Claw, may I have a word with you in private, please?”

“No, you may not,” he said. “Now, Spike.”

I pushed Spike back, bared my claws, and slashed right for Claw’s face. He jumped back, then roared and charged.

I shot out of the way, but he hit me with his tail on the way past, his spikes just barely missing my face. I turned and grabbed him by the tail, avoiding the spikes, and pulled back. His claws dug into the stones, but I was just strong enough dig my claws in and snatch him anyway. He slid back nearly a meter so he was facing me again, so I finally decked him in the jaw. He barely flinched and that’s when I remembered that bludgeon damage on scales doesn’t work so well.

He reacted by biting my neck, digging in and drawing blood before I slashed him across the throat with one of my claws. He backed off, clutching at the wound. When he realized it wasn’t too deep, he pounced at me. I dropped and he soared right over me, though scratched my back with his tail spines. I spun over to get up, but he managed to get on top of me, then forced my shoulders onto the ground. I started grasping around for something to hit him with.

“It would be a shame to kill you,” he said. “Tell you what, if you give up and let me rut you a few times, I’ll let you live and just give you to Bahamut. How’s that sound?”

“Like a bad pickup line,” I said before spitting blood into his face. He shrugged just in time for me to smack him in the face with a chunk of sapphire I ripped off the wall. He bit his tongue and showered my face with his blood. His grip loosened enough that I could break free and grab his head. Before he could resist, I shoved it onto the wall right as the sapphire grew back, impaling his snout with a gem. He immediately flopped on top of me.

I took a shuddering breath before pushing him off of me. His body was fused to the gem. As I watched, the sapphire turned blood red, then all of the other chunks in the wall followed. I pushed myself away from the wall, clutching at my throat.

Spike was staring at me in terror. “Nav, what are we gonna do?!”

“I don’t fucking know, Spike! This was your god damn idea! What the fuck now? I just murdered a cop in the middle of cop fucking heaven, Spike! What the fuck did you think we were gonna do next?! Just walk outta here dripping fucking blood?”

“I’m not bucking staying! Are you?!”

“God dammit! Help me up, fuck!” He ran over and pulled me up. “When we get out there, you don’t say a single god damn word, Spike. Not howdy, not hi how are you, not nothin’. You hear me, boy? Silent!”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it!”

I clutched at my neck wound and shivered. “Fuck, this shit hurts. Remind me to be a pacifist in my next life, Spike.”

“Your next life’s probably gonna be coming soon, Nav. I don’t think you’ll forget.”

“...Yeah.” We finally got outside where, predictably, a crowd had formed, a small number of which were purifiers. They all stared at me, dripping with blood.

One of the purifiers stepped forward, the largest and the only one wearing a different style of armor. “What just happened in there, visitor?” he very coldly asked.

Welp, time to make up a lie and make it up quick. I finally let myself burst into tears, which was really easy because of the pain. “That… that bastard tried to… tried to rape me!”

The crowd started talking, some yelling accusations. One of the purifiers ran into the cave while the bigger one stepped closer. “What did he say? What did you do?”

“He… he said… he said since he was a purifier, and his job was to guide me and help me in any way, that… that he got to… use me! How could… how could you purifiers do this?!”

“That is a lie!” he shouted, slamming a claw on the ground. “Bahamut would never allow such a thing! And a purifier would never do something so dishonorable!” Before I could reply, the purifier that ran in shambled out, looking beyond horrified. “What is in there, purifier!?”

“She… she… she impaled a purifier on a sapphire.” The entire crowd started gasping in horror and the large purifier’s mouth dropped.

“What she said is true!” Spike yelled. “He said if she didn’t let him rut her, he’d kill her!” So much for being silent.

The crowd was still very undecided. Apparently killing someone on a gem was a really bad thing.

The big guy finally nodded. “You will be coming with me to Bahamut,” he said. “Both of you.”

“So you can rape me too?!” I yelled, my eyes going wide. I made sure to take a step back, trying to look as scared as possible.

The crowd gasped and the big guy seemed taken aback. “I would never do such things!”

“You said that about him!”

He sighed and slumped. One of the female bystanders yelled, “Purifiers raped her last night!” She stepped forward into the center of the crowd. “She flew off shortly after she got her cave yesterday evening. Two purifiers followed her. Two hours later, they flew back, talking about how easy it was to make that visitor dragoness put out. I thought it was strange, but then she flew back several hours later, looking broken and lost, and went straight to her cave! I didn’t want to believe it, but it did happen!”

Before I could even confirm that, the largest dragon present, thankfully not a purifier, slammed a claw on the ground. “She is going nowhere with you, purifier!” All the other non-purifiers in attendance started yelling out derisions at the bastard.

He looked around the crowd, judged his odds, and decided today was a good day to forget about his purifier pride. “So be it,” he hissed. “But Bahamut is not going to be happy.” Before anyone else could say anything, he took off. The other purifiers unsteadily followed.

I let out a sigh of relief. The biggest dragon walked over to me and picked me up to lick at my throat. It slowly started finally closing. Blaze helped, but couldn’t do nearly enough. When he set me down, he said, “Travel north. Pyrite is far, but if you are lucky, you can make it. He is your only chance. Good luck.”

“Thank you,” I said, grabbing Spike’s hand. Before he could say a word, I took off, flying as north as I could go, carrying Spike in my arms. “If we live, I am never coming to Iceland again.”

He didn’t reply.

Since I was really, really in a hurry, I pushed my wings as hard as they could go. We managed to make it about sixty miles before Bahamut himself caught up to us.

The first thing I saw was a flash of darkness as something passed over us. Then Bahamut was there, less than fifty meters away. I flared my wings up, stopping in place. “Where do you think you are going, murderer?” he asked.

“It was self defense!” I lied.

“You are coming with me or I will end you!”

Die now or die later? Fuck it, later it is. “...Very well, Bahamut. I choose to trust that you will make the right decision.”

“Oh, I already have!” He flew over and snatched me and Spike both before soaring back south.

Spike started crying. I really wanted to join him.

We made a lot better time back. Being carried by someone fucktuple my size helped with that, I imagine.

He flew us straight to his cave and tossed us at two huge purifiers at the entrance. “Take them to a private cell. No one but me is to speak to them. I will be by shortly.”

The huge dragons bowed and carried me and Spike into the cave. Neither of us really bothered to struggle. We were completely surrounded and the guys holding us could just crush us anyway.

After a few minutes, they turned down an offshoot that led deeper underground. After a few more twists and turns, enough to make sure we got lost, they found a cell block. At the very end was a completely sealed iron door with only a few breathing holes. The one holding Spike opened it. They threw us inside and slammed the door. I heard a heavy latch going over it right after, then silence.

Well, silence aside from Spike’s crying. “Are… are we gonna die?” he whimpered.

“Everyone’s gonna die, Spike. But we’re still alive and I plan on both of us staying that way for a very long time.” He crawled over to me and hugged me.

All I could do was hug him back.

So, any ideas, oh combat genius? I asked in my head.

“My suggestion is to do exactly what Bahamut tells you, exactly when he tells you. He could have killed you. He chose not to. There is a reason.”

So comforting.

“If you want to try fighting that beast, by all means. I won’t be rooting for you, though.”

...Fair enough.

About three hours later, the latch on our door finally lifted and Bahamut stuck his head through. I could barely see the guards walking away around his neck.

“Who are you, dragoness? If you tell me a lie again, I will break one of this whelp’s bones.”

“...My name is Navarone,” I said. “I am good friends with Celestia. She told me all about the treaty.”

“I see. If you desire to live to see another sunset, I suggest you keep what you know to yourself. The only reason you are still alive is because you are useful to me. I want Reginald dead as soon as possible. You are going to be my assurance that he does not leave. I hope for your sake he cares about you. I am going to take you to Pyrite’s mountain and inform Reginald that he can either face me or watch me kill you. Should he choose to die, you will live and become our newest female purifier. Well, assuming you want the whelp to survive, anyway. I’m sure you’ll be so honored.”

You know, my odds are really not looking good right now. Fuck it. “Um. Can I make a counter-offer?”

“No.”

Well, it was worth a try. “You drive a hard bargain, but I guess we’ll do it your way.”

“I’m glad you could see reason. Now come, or you will be dragged.”

I decided to follow. Spike huddled right next to me, pressed against my side.

He led us back to the surface. As we walked, we quickly became surrounded by a large group of purifiers. All of them seemed to be heading to the entrance.

When we finally got there, hundreds were present. Bahamut stood at the cave’s entrance as the crowd slowly settled in front of him. Once things were quiet enough, he yelled, “Brothers! The dragon who betrayed our race has lived for too long! The one who sold our children in slavery to the ponies is in our grasp! IT IS TIME! And if Pyrite chooses to defend that monster, then he too is a traitor! Tonight, there will be a new dragon king! WHO WILL FLY WITH ME?!”

Every single one of them roared and several of them shot flames into the air. After a few moments of enjoying his crowd’s adulation, Bahamut grabbed the two of us in one of his huge claws and took off, soaring north.

The going was much slower since he had to keep pace with a ton of smaller dragons, but we still made it with plenty of time left in the day. As we flew, my shocked brain couldn’t help but wonder if Kumani got out before the mess happened. I guess it’s weird where our minds go in times of crisis.

When we finally landed in front of the huge volcano, my body was really sore from being held. Bahamut pushed me on the ground and put his claw on my back, then looked at Spike. “You will go in there and tell Reginald if he wants this… Navarone to live, he will show himself at once.” Spike gulped and looked at me for a moment before nodding. “Go!” He flinched and scampered off toward the volcano, forgetting for a few seconds that he even had wings. When he remembered, he unsteadily took off.

It was strangely and uncomfortably silent in the large crowd of purifiers. I don’t know if it was anticipation, fear, or discipline, but I didn’t hear any of them talking or making sounds. It was… eerie.

After a few minutes in, Blaze quietly said, “For what it’s worth, that mountain is where my brother is,” he said.

Holy shit, go tell Twilight! Get the water elementals here! Maybe they can free him and he can help us!

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” he said. “I have looked everywhere for her to tell her you were in trouble, but I can’t find her, Celestia, Kat, or Smiles. Even the useless guards can’t find them. You are alone.”

...Then I guess it’s not really worth very much.

“I’m afraid not. Should you survive this, I will do my best to save you. It might… be too late to avoid some indignities, but I will come.”

Thank you. For once, I honestly meant it.

About an hour after Spike left, during which time I spent getting very familiar with the sharp rocks under me, two shadows flew out of the top of the smoking volcano. One was so massive it had to be Pyrite and the other was hopefully Reginald.

The two of them flew over to land in front of me and Bahamut. It felt like that was the part where I should be begging Reginald to run and save himself, but since it was about seventy percent his fault I was in that mess, I just stared at him and hoped he would hurry up and let himself get killed.

For what it’s worth, he at least looked back at me for a moment or two before turning his stare back at Bahamut.

“I have come to finally end you, traitor,” Bahamut said. “And if I must oust an old fool to do it, so be it. Will you accept your fate, or will you try to run like you did last time?”

Some of the purifiers finally started muttering. I wonder if Bahamut realized he just contradicted the official story, in which Reginald was exiled.

“You are a liar and a monster,” Reginald said. “You have turned the minds of hundreds of our brothers away from the truth. If I die, I do so knowing I go to my grave in the name of justice.”

“And he will not die alone,” Pyrite said, his eyes flaring.

Blaze finally gasped. “He is a host!” He took my mouth over and yelled, “Char, we are here to free you!”

Pyrite’s entire disposition changed and he glared at us. “Then you have failed! Now be silent so I can control this beast and kill that monster!”

Pyrite’s body shifted again and his eyes seemed addled for a moment before he lifted his hand to his head. “Not now!”

“Your addled old mind is worthless, Pyrite,” Bahamut yelled. “You should have died honorably against that demon all those years ago, not turned into a shadow of yourself. Will you allow me to put you out of your misery?” He sounded pretty hopeful. I guess the idea of fighting that big motherfucker didn’t really appeal to him.

“Char, let him go!” I yelled. “He knows the truth! He can tell them! Please, let him go and we’ll free you!”

Pyrite growled and his eyes turned straight black for a moment before he heaved and spit out a small ball of flame. It flew toward Bahamut before curving and hitting the ground a few meters away. From there, it somehow jumped until it absorbed into my head, followed by a sigh as a new elemental joined me. I could hear Blaze and Char begin whispering in the back of my mind, though I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

The change in Pyrite was immediate. His eyes seemed to light up and his body slowly expanded, years of sitting hunched, fighting the elemental, finally wearing off. Reginald backed off as Pyrite began laughing in true mirth. “I am finally free! My mind is my own once more!”

“...What?” Bahamut slowly whispered, his eyes growing wide.

“The demon that has cursed me for so long is gone, Bahamut! I remember everything! I know everything! You… You have challenged my kingship, Bahamut. You have challenged me in front of hundreds of witnesses. According to the fourth line in the original code of dragon honor, that is a one-on-one duel until one side surrenders or dies. I accept your challenge!”

Ooooooh snap! Bahamut seemed floored. He just watched his victory wither and die in seconds. I gotta say, it felt fucking great.

And since all of his purifiers were roaring encouragements at him, he either had to do it or lose all credibility. After about a minute of stunned silence, he finally tossed me behind him, into his flock of purifiers. A few of them grabbed me. “So be it.”

I’ll give him one thing, he seemed pretty calm as he walked to the monstrous gold dragon. Then again, I also couldn’t see his face. Pyrite landed a few hundred meters away, but it didn’t take Bahamut long to clear it. When he stood before the great wyrm, Pyrite calmly said, “When you lose, I will tell all of them the truth, Bahamut.”

“When you lose, I will get our eggs back, traitor.”

That pretty much signaled the start of it. Pyrite opened with a volley of fire right at Bahamut’s face. It blinded him and let Pyrite get a swipe at his throat. It ripped a chunk of flesh and scale away, but he missed an important vein. Bahamut snapped down at Pyrite’s claw with his mouth and bit into it, but Pyrite grabbed him around the throat with his other claw and squeezed.

Bahamut fell and rolled onto his back to use his back legs to claw up Pyrite’s arm. They sliced into the aged scales, but didn’t penetrate before Pyrite could let go and jerk the hand in Bahamut’s mouth back. He extended his talons before doing so, cutting up Bahamut’s mouth and breaking several of his teeth. Steaming blood flowed onto the arena as they both disengaged for a moment, backing up. Pyrite was bleeding from his hand and Bahamut was leaking from his mouth and throat. Both of them looked absolutely pissed as they circled.

“You’ve grown soft leading your own army,” Pyrite said.

Bahamut snarled and coarsely replied, “You’ve grown soft in your millennia of dementia.”

“I am still plenty hard enough to put you down, Bahamut.”

In reply, the brown dragon rushed in with flames spewing from his mouth. Pyrite ducked and swept his body, releasing the spikes on his tail. Bahamut barely saw it coming and jumped. The spines still scratched open his stomach and it started bleeding, but he soared over Pyrite and then flapped his wings to take to the air.

Pyrite spread his as well and jumped after him, sending loose dust and small rocks flying. Bahamut spun in the air and shot more flame at Pyrite before swooping in over him. He latched onto Pyrite’s back and started scratching, trying to get through the scales or cut the wings. Pyrite reached back and grabbed him, tearing him off before he could dig in. Pyrite held him by the leg and flew up a few hundred meters before throwing the bastard to the ground, then dropping behind him.

Bahamut caught himself right before he could hit the ground, but Pyrite slammed into him and forced him into the ground with a horrible cracking sound. The earth erupted around them, sending huge chunks of rock flying and cratering Bahamut into the ground.

None of us could see them for about half a minute, when Pyrite flew out of the crater, carrying a limp Bahamut under him. He tossed the bastard our way with a grunt. “Your leader’s challenge has failed. You will bow to me or you will meet his fate!”

As Pyrite was saying that, hundreds of dragons started soaring out of his volcano, over to us. I could just barely make out Spike sitting on Reginald’s back, who apparently slunk off back to the volcano during the fight. Reginald and his cavalry landed in behind Pyrite, lining up to encircle us. They couldn’t completely surround us, but the message was clear.

The purifiers realized they didn’t much care to try their odds, and all bowed. The ones holding me released me first, pushing me toward Pyrite.

At that point, I was too fucked up to hold my feet up, so I just collapsed in front of them. Pyrite stepped forward, walking to the purifiers. “Brothers, my mind is finally clear. The damage the demon did to me is gone. Many of you know me. All of you know of me. Listen to my words and know them for truth. Bahamut has failed. He is unconcious. When he awakens, it will be to no supporters, one way or another. So listen well and decide your loyalties carefully.”

That’s not gonna be a when, dammit! As soon as he continued talking, I let myself drift into the dream realm. Bahamut’s dream was the only one there, and it was pure golden. I summoned three defenders and said, “Lock this dream down permanently.” The three of them surrounded it and placed their hands against it. In moments, it was encased in what looked like lead.

When I couldn’t see gold anymore at all, the defenders moved back in front of me. “He will dream until death,” one of them said.

“...Dismissed.” They vanished and I pulled myself back out of the dream world to catch the tail end of Pyrite’s speech.

“Now you know the truth. He betrayed his own child, selling him into slavery, and then tried to start a war to cover it up. He hid the truth from as many as possible, but enough of us knew that the only way to stop him was to put his pride on the line. He could never get support to fight the ponies with eggs on the line. But the treaty has a clause that only those who read it will know. I have the authority to cancel it at any time. Should you turn your backs on this traitor and join me, I will have our eggs back in a week.”

None of them really knew what to make of that. The vast majority of them grew up with Bahamut as their god. Even seeing him get his shit kicked in wasn’t enough to dislodge their faith.

Thankfully, either self-interest or reason kicked in and one of the larger ones finally stepped forward. “You have my support, Pyrite. And my apologies.”

“There is nothing to apologize for, brother. You were misled, and now you see the light.”

The guy who stepped forward bowed. After that, a good chunk of the rest of the crowd also piped up, deciding that staying alive would be nice. I don’t know if it was everyone, but it was enough.

Finally, Pyrite lifted a claw and the vows of support stopped. “Reginald will go now to Celestia and tell her that it is time for this treaty to end. Bahamut will go into the deepest cell I can find. When he awakens, he will face a trial for his crimes. If any attempt to free him, they will perish.”

The large purifier that first spoke up looked at me. “What of her, Lord Pyrite?”

Pyrite fixed me with an appraising gaze for an uncomfortably long time before he looked back at the purifier. “She will come with me.” Before I could protest, the large purifier grabbed me and carried me over to Pyrite, holding me up like a prize.

Pyrite took me without a word and looked at the purifier. “Return home and announce that the purifier order is no more. Melt your armor into a statue honoring my victory over Bahamut. If you do not follow my orders, I will raze your mountain.”

“As you command, Lord Pyrite,” the purifier slowly said, placing a claw to his chest. He turned to the others and took off. The mass of purifiers joined him.

Pyrite watched until they were out of sight and then turned to Reginald. “You know what must be done. Go.”

“At once, your highness. And thank you.”

“I will never let you down, brother.” Reginald bowed before setting Spike down and taking off, heading west. Pyrite finally held me up. “Can you walk, human?” he asked.

“...I don’t think so. What… what happens now?”

“That depends entirely upon what you tell me about this demon,” he said. “Reginald told me who you truly are. What you truly are. And you spoke to the demon in me by name. You are going to tell me everything you know even if I have to break your bones one by one.”

I found myself gulping as he carried me back to his volcano.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Seven

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Seven

There was no way Spike could keep up. I immediately lost track of him as Pyrite flew back into his volcano. He proceeded to descend for what felt like a quarter of a mile through a horrific haze of smoke and poison. It didn’t seem to bother me, so I assume dragons are immune.

When we finally got to the bottom, I found that there was a massive throne of obsidian over a huge dormant lava pool. He landed onto it and slammed me stomach first onto one of the claw rests. It was heavily grooved from where he had scratched it and I felt the jagged chunks of obsidian dig into my scales.

He placed one of his claws on my back. “For every lie you tell me, I will push you further. You disguise as a dragon, nearly start a civil war, collude with demons, kill for Celestia, and almost get a friend of mine murdered. The only reason you are not dead right now is because Reginald asked that I spare you. But if you push me, I will push back harder. Do we have an understanding?”

“I wanted to tell you everything anyway! Celestia’s lied for too long. I want to tell you everything I know so you will help me kill the demon of chaos!”

“...The demon of chaos,” he slowly said. After a few seconds of silence, he eased up on my back. “Reginald told me you were a human. He told me what a human was. He told me that your people fought the demon as well. Are you the only survivor?”

“No. I’m not even technically alive. I’m a… a golem of some kind, manifested from the past. But the person I’m a golem of was the last human to fight him. The one who created all life as you know it. I was the last human victim of Discord. As far as I know, there are only two survivors, but I wouldn’t even call either of them human anymore.”

“...That is a hard story to believe, Navarone. You say you created us. How?”

“I honestly don’t know. My memory is incomplete. But I do know where I created you. And I have a plan to get into it. I’m hoping I can find information there. If I find anything, I’ll be happy to let you and everyone else know.”

“Where is this location? I would go there myself.”

“...Do you know where the zone of alienation is?”

“Never mind.” That’s not a good sign, huh? “You call this demon Discord. Is that his name?”

“That’s what we call him,” I said. “Celestia had him imprisoned for about six thousand years. She managed to do it with the help of Reginald. I guess you never really heard about it, since… Well, your mind was addled.”

The pressure on my back increased. “You consort with the demon’s allies, human. That thing poisoned my mind at Discord’s behest!”

Char immediately started trying to say something to me, but I cut him off with, “That isn’t true. The thing in this mountain isn’t a demon or an ally of chaos. It was a weapon that I built all those years ago. Discord locked it into this mountain after we died since he couldn’t easily destroy it. When you unleashed a part of its power, Discord fled. It wasn’t trying to addle your mind, it was trying to get you to free it so it could finish the job.” Char grunted.

“...It issued many strange orders when it took over,” Pyrite said. “It sent some of my followers to Tartarus to get help. It was looking for the demon queen!”

“The demon queen is another human weapon. It got locked in Tartarus. The weapon in your mind, Char, was trying to ask his sister, Nestorats, for help. But first she had to escape Tartarus. Once I free the one in this mountain, I’m going to Tartarus to free the one trapped there.”

“Should you survive this encounter, that is,” he rumbled, pushing me a little further. “Were humans the first race to fight Discord?”

“As far as I know, yes. I think we… I think we created it. And it punished us for it. Eventually it got tired of living and tried to kill all of us in an attempt to kill itself. It killed most, but left some very powerful people alive. I was one of them and I helped create life to replace us, since we could no longer survive on our planet. The weapon in this mountain was created in an attempt to protect that life. There were other types created, as well. I have enough of the water weapons to free this one. I’ve already freed another fire.”

“And Celestia knew about this?” he asked, lowering the pressure.

“Yes. She didn’t believe me at first, but she finally found proof. Discord stole the artifacts that she used to lock him away and hid them all over the world. We’ve found half of them.”

He sighed and took his hand off my back. I pushed myself off the rocks. Several of them shattered and broke off in my scales. I shuddered and ran a hand across my belly, trying to dislodge them.

“She knew and she did not say anything. Typical. I believe you have been honest with me, human. I have many more questions for you, but before I ask more, I will return honesty for honesty.” He gently picked me up and moved me closer to his face, so he could whisper. His face was about the size of my body, so it came out more like a normal voice, but whatever. “There is no clause in that treaty to end it. Reginald is going to speak to Celestia and tell her she has exactly one week to give me every single egg or I will make her watch as I burn her empire to the ground. So I want you to know where you stand, human: Being Celestia’s friend does you no favors here. You will obey every command I give until I release you or you will die.”

“...I understand.”

He dropped me back onto the armrest. I slammed into it with a crunch and more obsidian shards slid into my scales. Thankfully, none penetrated. “Now. I have to go deal with Bahamut. I wish I had just killed him, but I’m afraid I really am out of practice.” He pointed to our right, where I could distantly see the entrance to a cave system. “Go to the caves and tell the guards that you are to be imprisoned until I return for you. Tell them your small dragon friend may not visit.”

“Before I go, I have something to tell you about Bahamut.”

“Speak.”

“I have access to a human artifact that allows me control over dreams. It’s part of what we did when we created new life. One of the things I can do is force someone who is asleep to sleep forever. As soon as you knocked Bahamut out, I put him in a coma that will last until he dies.”

He was silent for nearly half a minute. Finally he said, “Good. Now go.”

I hobbled to the edge of the seat and slowly flew over to the cave entrance. I really hate being small. As soon as I got to the entrance of the actual cave, I collapsed into a heap on the ground. A few dragons watched impassively as I painfully picked myself up and looked for anyone that might be a guard. The only one that looked the part was a female dragon about twice my size wearing a steel helmet.

I limped over to her and asked, “Are you a guard?”

“I am,” she evenly replied, looking at me through her helmet.

“I am to be imprisoned at Lord Pyrite’s orders. The small dragon that was with me is not allowed to visit.”

“Then come with me.” She either took pity on me or didn’t want to wait for me, so she roughly threw me on her back and carried me off down a few smaller side passages. Soon, she got to a row of cells made for someone about her size, all of which were empty. She grabbed the key from the wall and picked a cell near the middle of the room. She set me down and opened the door with the key. “Go.”

I limped into the cell and fell on the hard floor as soon as I was out of the doorway. She swung the gate closed behind me and locked it, then walked away without a word. I barely noticed that she didn’t hang the key back on the wall.

“Blaze, please tell me you found Twilight,” I sighed, rolling over into a less uncomfortable position.

“I have not, but I discovered what happened,” he said. “Celestia found out what Twilight was doing with the books. She locked her and the other water hosts in some kind of time dilation cells. Even if I could speak to them, their elementals would never hear it. Judging by Celestia’s abject fury, you are safer where you are. Especially when Reginald delivers Pyrite’s ultimatum. That said, Aerie is on the way to speak to the water elementals right now. I’m not sure they will be able to rescue you, but they will be appraised of your situation. She will tell them you told one of your crew in a dream, so they don’t know I am in you.”

“At this point, I think bringing them here would be a really bad idea. Not sure Pyrite is sold on the idea of you being the good guys. Having fourteen more show up on his doorstep’s liable to piss him off, especially if they start freeing the one who held his mind hostage for ten thousand years.”

“It wasn’t exactly ten thousand years,” Char flippantly replied. “And even if it was, all I ever did was help the big baby. All those retarded overgrown lizards think about is honor this and pride that. I helped him make quite a few very wise decisions by taking over and doing the dishonorable thing. I don’t understand why he isn’t grateful. Living with that much honor must be awful.”

“I know, right?” I said. “Man, you’re gonna hate the naga and griffins.”

“Ugh, the naga are still alive? I was hoping those cursed things would have gone extinct by now.”

“Nope. At the very least, they’re very loyal. So, were you a water elemental’s sex slave as well?”

I felt a blast of air on my back, almost as though something flew toward me but just barely stopped. A moment later, I heard Blaze clear his throat. “Well, brother?” he asked.

“...Did you almost just hit me?” I quietly asked.

“Well, brother?!” Blaze repeated. I sighed.

“...I was not,” Char cautiously replied. “That is a very… interesting question.”

“I was not a sex slave,” Blaze growled. “I was a prisoner of war!”

“Held by a water elemental that loved you with all her heart,” I replied with a smirk.

“That detail is not important,” he harshly replied. “Now we will move on.”

“So you fought in the war, brother?” Char asked.

“I did. Toward the end of it, I became… disillusioned. I decided to stop killing water elementals and just eradicate their hosts. One of the ones I spared fell in love with me. She stalked me and ambushed me after a fight, when I was weakened. She had her new supporters carry me to an island. Her name is Mist and you will watch yourself around her. She is insane and dangerous.”

“I see. And how many of them are left?”

“Thirteen,” Blaze replied. “There are three of us, one earth elemental, and Navarone found an air.”

“An interesting cohort and an uncomfortable number. It is good that the third fire is Nestorats herself.”

“No it is not,” Blaze said. “It absolutely is not. I believe that Nestorats does not wish to leave Tartarus. We are going to have to force her to come with us. It will not be easy.”

“Ah, but when she is on our side, life will be so much easier. She is worth twenty of those watery tarts in a battle, if I remember right.”

“There will be none of that,” I immediately said. “You guys are nearly extinct. It’s time to put your past bullshit behind you and move on.”

“I prefer being able to defend myself, human,” Char replied. “I did not fight in the war. It was pointless and foolhardy. I am not interested in fighting our cousins, but I will not be browbeat by them into everything.”

“Fair enough. And I know how you feel. The water elementals haven’t exactly been kind to me either.”

“I am not surprised,” Char replied. “They always had the hardest time keeping hosts. Even the slow and analytical earth elementals were better about it. I have no doubt they want to keep you for themselves. I am honestly surprised they allowed you to have a fire elemental.”

“They don’t know,” Blaze said. “And they will not be happy when they learn. He was a host to a water, but she abused him emotionally, physically, and sexually.” Char grunted in shock. “I offered to help undo any damage she may have done to his mind, but he is understandably reluctant to give me full access.”

“I see. It is an interesting world I am being thrust into. Still, for my freedom, I will not complain. Navarone, I suggest you sleep. It will help my brother and I heal you. We will wake you if anyone comes.”

I had a suspicion he just wanted to talk to Blaze without me hearing it, but my body agreed that sleep would be a good idea. After the shitty day I had, I was out almost instantly. I was too weary to make an attempt at the world of dreams, not that I expected it to do me any good anyway; it was too early and everyone useful was locked up anyway.

I don’t know how long I slept. There was no way to tell time in the cell. When I awoke, there was a small pile of gems at the cell’s door. I carefully stood and stretched my body, finding that most of my aches and pains were gone. Since I was able to walk, I plodded to the door and ate. My life is designed to be suffering, so my only choice was emerald.

My tummy was rumbling too much to let any of it go to waste, so I forced that awful shit down my throat. Once I was finished eating, I looked around the cell block to see if anything had changed. One of the cells at the far end of the wall was occupied by what seemed to be a large purifier in all of his armor. He was unconscious, barely breathing.

There was nothing I wanted from him, so I didn’t even bother trying to wake him. I just plodded over to the wall of my cell and tried getting comfortable against it. It didn’t work.

Minutes presumably turned to hours. In the relative darkness of the cell block, it was honestly hard to tell. Neither of the fires seemed interested in talking, so aside from the purifier’s labored breathing and a few echoes of what sounded like a party, it was silent.

After what felt like three or four hours, the purifier flinched awake, then groaned. He was barely able to look around and couldn’t see me from where he was lying. “Where am I?” he croaked.

“In Pyrite’s prison,” I replied.

He sighed and asked, “How many of us are there, sister?”

“Just me. And I’m definitely not your sister. You assholes are the reason I’m even here. As far as I’m concerned, you can rot.”

That made him chuckle, somewhat surprisingly. “So you are the little traitor, then, the one who murdered one of my brothers when he discovered you were a spy. I take it Pyrite didn’t receive you warmly. Perhaps you should have chosen your loyalties better.”

“I’d rather be in Pyrite’s prison than turned into a breeding sow for you creeps. I hope I get to watch Pyrite kill you.” He snorted and didn’t reply.

About two or so hours later, after the sounds of revelry died down, a large group of guards walked in. They all bypassed my cell and went to the purifier’s. He growled at them as they opened the cell, but was too weak to try anything. Two of the guards grabbed him and started carrying him out. He didn’t even spare me a glance.

Once he was gone, one of the remaining guards unlocked my cell and swung the door open. “Come with us,” he ordered. I stood and followed them as they walked back the way we came, toward the main cavern. We stayed behind the injured purifier the entire time.

Once we got to the edge of the lake of lava, I saw Pyrite sitting on his large throne. One of the guards flew over to him and presumably said a few words. When Pyrite started flying toward us, the guard standing next to me forced me to the ground. They did the same to the purifier.

Pyrite landed in the lava a few hundred meters away, sending waves of the stuff in every direction. He walked the rest of the way, treating the magma sucking at his feet like a minor annoyance. It presumably wasn’t too terribly deep.

When he stood before us, he moved his gaze between me and the purifier a few times before settling on the other guy. “Your loyalty is commendable but misguided, purifier. I will give you one last chance to serve me.”

The purifier spit blood on the ground and said, “I would rather die.”

Pyrite looked back at me. “Do you know why the purifiers wear armor?” he asked.

“No.”

He lifted a claw and watched as the magma fell off. “The earth’s blood is very calming to us. It is highly relaxing. They see it as a sign of weakness and cover themselves in metal so that they can never enjoy its pleasures. If they ever fall in lava with it on, well… You’ll see” He looked back at the purifier, then the guards holding him. “Throw him in.”

The purifier’s eyes widened as the guards grabbed him and tossed him into the lava. The purifier almost immediately began yelling in pain as the metal melted through his scales and seared into his flesh. I tried to look away and cover my nose, but the guard who pushed me down forced my head toward the grisly scene.

I watched as the steel armor slowly burned into his scales and body, fusing with him. His struggles became weaker and weaker until all he could do was shriek in pain as his flesh cooked. Finally, Pyrite pulled his smoking body out of the lava and tossed him back onto land. The smell was truly awful, like burned steak and boiled blood. The dragon groaned in agony and managed to twitch occasionally.

“Take him back to his cell,” Pyrite ordered. Two of the guards hurried to obey, dragging the poor bastard away. I know I said I wanted to watch Pyrite kill him, but… not like that. Pyrite’s gaze moved back to me and I couldn’t stop myself from flinching. “Fly to my throne and lie on the claw rest. I will be back for you soon.” I immediately took off, flying to the great big chair. There was no one else present, so I just laid down on the armrest like he ordered, wondering where in life I went wrong.

It wasn’t too hard to figure it out: being born.

Pyrite wasn’t one for wasting time. He flew back almost as soon as I landed and made myself as comfortable as possible. It was a waste of time, because as soon as he landed, he put a claw on my back again and pressed down. “Bahamut has still not awoken,” he said.

“Where is Spike?” I asked.

“He is safe. Your loyalty to him is commendable, though I advise you spend more time worrying about yourself.”

“I have absolutely no plans to do anything to make you hurt me. I already told you that I will answer any question you ask.”

He pressed down a teeny bit harder. “Perhaps. Now you have seen what disobedience will earn you. Tell me more about these weapons.”

I did so, telling him everything I could think of about all four different types of elementals. I included the war and how most of them became trapped and how I was doing my best to free them.

When I ran out of things to say, he slightly eased off my back. “The one in this mountain is named Char,” he said. “And you seek to free it. Him.”

“I do. If you want Discord to finally die, you’ll let me.”

He pressed down so hard that I heard my back pop. “You will watch your tone, human.” I frantically nodded, not able to speak. After he was sure I got the message, he eased up a little, letting me catch my breath. “I watched this… Discord murder my blood kin through dark magics. And when I fought it personally, it beat me with ease. Tell me about this demon.”

I told him everything I knew, starting with what the old version of me told myself back in the past. Unfortunately, I didn’t have nearly as much information as I wanted. Thankfully, it was a lot more than he had and satisfied him. When I finished telling him what I knew, he pulled his claw off my back and slowly began petting me. It felt really weird and a little bit creepy, but I didn’t say a word.

“This is very troubling,” he finally said. I sagged in relief when he stopped petting me. “You said there are two human survivors. Tell me about them.”

I did so, starting with Athena and then moving to Arachne. I didn’t have too much to say about either of them since I did my best to avoid them both as much as possible.

When I was finished with that, he put his claw on my back again, but didn’t force me down. “What was your plan in Iceland, human? If you sought this fire elemental, as you call it, why didn’t you come here first?”

“I didn’t know exactly where it was and I wanted to help Spike find his parents. I also wanted to learn more about your people and the treaty with the ponies, since Celestia and Reginald refused to tell me anything. He didn’t even tell me that he was public enemy number one, which is why I allowed a purifier to take us to Bahamut.”

“Hm. Again I say, your loyalty is commendable.” He removed his hand again. “Reginald told me about Spike. He was one of the eggs from the treaty that was somehow hatched. Do you know what caused him to hatch?”

“Celestia split the eggs up, giving them to various guardians. One of them was a group of mages, who apparently used it as part of a test for new students. One of the students was very powerful and somehow managed to hatch it.”

“You understand that I am not pleased to hear this.”

“...I also hope you understand the phrase ‘don’t shoot the messenger’.”

That actually made him snort and I felt a burst of heat on my back. “What happened was not your fault, that is true. And it seems that you were wholly ignorant, but sought to help the hatchling anyway. You will return to your cell. In a few hours, I will have a talk with Spike. If he corroborates your story, you will be allowed some small amount of freedom until I decide to let you leave. If he contradicts you, you are going to stay in your cell until I have need of you. Either way, do not forget that your value as a hostage depends more upon how well you behave than how much Celestia may or may not care for you. Now go.”

I decided that going was in my best interest, so I flew back to the cave and found another guard to lock me back up. Once I was back in my cell, I walked over to the wall and collapsed, unable to stop myself from shivering. I legitimately hadn’t been that terrified since I was in the bunker, and the darkness of the cell was making me start having flashbacks.

Surprisingly enough, it was the injured purifier that brought me out of it. It took him about half an hour to realize he wasn’t alone. When he finally did, he groaned and hoarsely said, “Please, talk to me.”

I really hated everything he stood for, but when my eyes took in his mutilated body and pitiful face, I gulped and started talking to him. He could barely reply, so I eventually stopped asking questions and just started telling stories, trying to bring my mind away from where we were. I guess it did him some good as well. Eventually his labored breathing slowed and he passed out from some kind of horrific pain.

After a few minutes of watching him twitching, I entered the dream realm and turned his nightmare into a golden dream. It was the least I could do to ease his suffering, and it definitely helped calm me down. Once I was done with that, I finally decided to look around for the dreams of any of my crew. I couldn’t find anyone left in Canterlot, but after a few moments of thought, I decided to think north toward Watcher.

Sure enough, the old bastard was asleep. I jumped over to his dream and took a second to look into the white fog. It seemed he was dreaming about a campfire with a pot over it. He was much younger, looked like a day guard, and surrounded by a motley crew of other races. Most of them were wearing some various types of armor and I could tell there was some meat in the pot. All of them had bowls, interestingly enough.

I knew he wouldn’t know how to look for a message, so I carefully pulled my way through his dream and sat in the circle. His eyes glanced over me a few times as we all ate some surprisingly good pork stew, but he didn’t say anything until I was done eating.

When I was, he nodded at me. “My lady.” Just like that, I felt myself change from my original body to my horribly fucked up one.

“You’re looking surprisingly young, Watcher,” I replied. “I didn’t know Celestia had so many soldiers of different races.”

“This was actually my first solo mission,” he replied. “I infiltrated a group of bandits. They treated me a lot better than the guard did and the food was a huge step up. I’ll never forget my time with them. It’s a shame most of them chose to fight it out.” He looked around the campfire again and most of the bandits started fading away. Soon, only three were left. “These were the ones I convinced to surrender.” He nodded at one of the ones who did, a really young female unicorn. “Would you believe that’s Sentinel?” he asked. “She was a bandit before she even got her cutie mark. Before we busted them, she kept talking about how she wished it would be a cudgel or a gold coin…” He sighed and shook his head.

“How did she go from being a bandit to a guard?”

“Me,” he replied. “I saw potential in her. In all of them. But I got her put in a special program at the castle and told her she had two choices, prison for life or the guard. She chose the guard and excelled while doing it. The dog there,” he said, nodding at one of the other survivors. “He and I were pretty close. I had the feeling banditry fell into his lap and that’s all he had. I made sure he didn’t get much time and set him up as a private investigator over near the border with Mexico. He sees a lot of awful stuff, but he’s happy to finally have a real job.”

“What about the third one?” I asked, looking at the slimy looking adult female unicorn. Her horn had been broken off at some point and her eyes had somehow been dyed. “She looks like a nutcase.”

“Oh, she was,” he said. “But she was the toughest nutcase out there and insanely loyal to whoever she felt she owed. That happened to be the private eye, and she helps him on the tougher cases. She also gets a lot more guard attention than he’d like, but I think it evens out.”

“You know all kinds of interesting characters, don’t you?”

“Would you believe that you’re the most interesting of all?” he idly mused, stoking the fire with a stick.

“Yeah, actually. Not everyday that you run into a walking reanimated golem of the extinct original race in existence that created everything that came after. Especially one that’s been so heavily magically modified.”

“Well, those are a few of the reasons. Anyway, I’m sure you came here for a reason. Are you already done in Iceland?”

“Sort of. It’s kind of a long story. Basically, I almost started a war because Celestia didn’t give me enough information, then I murdered a dragon guard and got snatched by Bahamut and used as a hostage in an attempt to murder Reginald. Then I healed Pyrite’s insanity and watched him beat the everloving shit out of Bahamut. Now I’m a prisoner of Pyrite, who is threatening to destroy Celestia’s empire and make her watch if she doesn’t do what he says.”

“...Oh. I’ll admit I’m very flattered you came to me, but there’s not much I can really do for you right now, Nav. I suggest talking to Celestia and Twilight.”

“I think you need to hear the full story.” He shrugged and poured himself another bowl of soup. Since there was so little competition left, there was a lot more to go around. I grabbed some as well, since it was pretty dope. Once we were both situated again, I started telling it from the top, including everything I had done in the dream world.

Once I was finished, he poked at the fire for a few minutes, just thinking. Finally, he looked at me and grinned. “I officially no longer have claim to the biggest screw up in Equestria’s history,” he said with a nod.

“Fuck you too, old man,” I replied, making him age thirty years.

“Low blow!” he groaned, rubbing at his back. I flipped him off, which only made him chuckle. “Well, here are some points. First, I wouldn’t get used to the idea of being in a relationship with Celestia anymore. She might not be interested at this juncture. Second, it sounds like Kat and Twilight are seriously in trouble. Kat moreso, of course. Third, Celestia has been secretive for too long. She almost caused a war because she refused to give you enough information. Reginald is also guilty. Fourth, you just greatly shifted the political landscape. Now that the dragons are fully unified behind a healed Pyrite, they’ll be unstoppable. If he chooses to go on a rampage for revenge, that would be the end for Equestria. It sounds like this trip was a grade A clusterfuck, as you would say. Oh, and fifth, you trapped the soul of the purifier you murdered in a gem.”

“...I did what now?” I slowly asked.

“Oh, I see. You didn’t know. Well, now I feel bad. Do you know what a blood gem is?”

“Some kind of really rare gem that comes from Tartarus,” I replied.

“Sort of accurate. Blood gems are created by murdering someone on a gem that’s growing in. For smaller veins, shedding enough blood on them works, but the truly large veins have to have an entire body. As far as mages can tell, doing this traps someone’s essence inside the gem. Every time gems are harvested, the soul gets splintered, leaving the victim smaller and smaller of an area. Eventually, all of its soul gets harvested and the gem returns to normal. The soul can be used to power all kinds of dark magic. The victim’s life force is drained away until it’s finally gone. They’re incredibly rare because no one wants to murder someone to be able to harvest them. They’re valued in underground and draconic communities. I’ve heard stories about necromancers of old trading entire undead armies for just one.”

“...I would have been very happy not knowing that,” I slowly replied.

“Yeah, I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t have wanted to know either. I just told you ‘cause you made me old.”

Oh yeah, totally fair. “So, any suggestions, o great old wise one?”

“Three come to mind. First, next time you see Celestia, you better have a whole bunch of flowers and a big ol’ apology ready. Maybe a really cute dress and an idea for a date. Second, do every little thing that oversized lizard tells you. Third, get both of those fires out of your head as soon as possible. What were you even thinking?”

“...Mostly about how nice it would be to spite Aqua and Flo.”

He rolled his eyes. “Ugh.”

“So do you know which flowers Celestia likes the most?”

“Daffodils,” he replied. “They remind her of being an innocent filly.” I stared at him in silence for a few long seconds. “It pays to know these things when you’re pink.”

“...You’re gonna explain some things to me one day.”

He snorted. “My lips are sealed. I’ll see what I can do to pick some from here. It’s surprising what kind of flowers grow when it’s warm enough, even when it’s perpetually dark.”

“Neat. When are you heading back to Equestria? If I’m here for much longer, I might need a contact in the city. Blossom doesn’t dream and I don’t want to get Fleur involved in going after Celestia.” At least, not directly.

“I was planning on being here for the next several days. I don’t have any way to get back until the ship gets here. Trains don’t run that often in the winter because the tracks are usually frozen over.”

Shit. “Any useful suggestions, then?”

He shook his head. “It’s out of your hands at this point anyway, Nav. Celestia knows you were trying to steal her books and she knows she doesn’t have much choice on whether or not to return the eggs. She’ll do the smart thing. With luck, you can get out of Iceland as soon as she does.”

“...Until then, I might be stuck in a cell and harshly interrogated every day. Pyrite seems to believe what I tell him, but it’s some pretty far-fetched stuff. Sometimes I get the feeling he’s just humoring me.”

“As long as he’s letting you stay alive, that’s good. I wouldn’t suggest even trying to run. Celestia probably has the ability to save you, but I think she knows it would be unwise and she probably wants you to be punished anyway.”

“What a bitch.”

“Hey, you’re her consort, not me.” Maybe not for much longer. “Now, I’d like to talk about what you said to Luna.”

“I really think she can change,” I said. “It’ll take some doing, but I think she can get better.”

“Yeah, if my soldiers are willing to give her a chance. She stabbed us all in the back, Nav. Well, she figuratively stabbed us in the back and literally stabbed you in the chest. I’m not even sure if I want to trust her.”

“I’m going to try to talk to her a lot more. I hope after all this time, you guys trust my judgment of character at least a little. If I get any bad vibes, I’ll call it off. But if I think it can work, I’d like you to help me talk the others into giving it a shot.”

“...I’d like to speak to her myself before agreeing to anything. She can do that, right? Invade my dreams?”

“She can. I’ll try to schedule something when we can all be there at the same time when I get out of prison.”

He reached over and placed a hoof over to my shoulder. “Stay strong, Nav. And don’t drop the soap.”

“Don’t worry, the only other prisoner is a horribly tortured and mutilated purifier. I wouldn’t be surprised if his sheath is fused closed with iron.”

“...That is a mental image I did not want,” he replied, pulling away.

“That’s for telling me about blood gems.” I replied with a smirk. It seemed like he was done with me, so I said, “Sleep well, Watcher. With luck, I’ll see your curmudgeonly old face in person soon.”

“I think I’ll be happier to see yours, my lady. You can be pretty cute sometimes, when you try.” I flipped him off again before stepping out of his dream. When I was gone, I noticed the bubble was now gold. It slowly dipped down into white again after a few seconds.

Since nothing was going on and I was pretty much in limbo for the moment, I let myself drift off to real sleep, hoping the fire elementals would wake me up if something happened.

They didn’t, the lazy bastards. What woke me up instead was the horrible clanking of my cell door being opened. I flinched awake and looked up, blinking. Two large guards were standing there. The one that opened the door said, “Get up and come on.”

I got up and went. He shut the door behind me while the other guard started leading the way down the hall. I followed that guy, wondering where I was being taken next. With luck, it would be somewhere with water, since they hadn’t given me any of that yet. We took about a dozen twists and turns into the dark caves before we finally arrived at a little cave offshoot that both of them were too large to enter.

“This will be your new room,” the guard leading me said. “You will remain here until you have permission to leave.”

“Can I see Spike?” I asked.

“He will be visiting at some point. Pyrite is still speaking with him. But you will not be sharing a room and you will be watched while he is present.”

“Alright.” The two of them watched until I walked in the room, then fucked off back to who knows where.

This room had a small cluster of rubies and an even smaller bubbling spring. It also had an overgrown moss bed. That’s about all there was room for. It was shitty, but it was much better than the cell. I drank as much water as I could and then ate my fill of rubies. When I was satiated, I sank down into the moss, wondering how long I’d be a prisoner.

Some amount of time later, I finally heard another set of claws heading my way. It was eerie how silent the place had been otherwise, so my ears were incredibly sensitive. About a minute after I started hearing it, two dragons finally came into view. One was Spike and one was a teenager that looked right about the age to start becoming a quadruped.

As soon as Spike saw me, his nervous expression disappeared and he tried bolting into the room, presumably to hug me. The other guy, who I guess was a guard without a helmet, snatched him by the arm before he could move. “Be patient,” he said. “Now wait here.” Spike sighed and crossed his arms as the other guy left him there. He walked further in and stopped in front of me. “Lord Pyrite has decided to allow Spike to visit you once per day, pending your behavior. After this visit, I will lead you back to Lord Pyrite. I suggest you behave yourself.”

“I have no intentions of dying a horrible death in these caves. Or any other kind of death, for that matter. I know my place.”

“Good. Spike?” The named dragon rolled his eyes and finally walked in. Our supervisor walked back to the entrance and just stared at the two of us.

“It’s good to see you, Nav,” Spike said. He honestly sounded relieved. “After what Pyrite was saying… I didn’t know if he’d let you live…”

“At the moment, both of us are more useful to him alive,” I replied. “He presumably knows about my relationship with Celestia, which makes me a good hostage. He also knows that I know a whole lot more about Discord than he does, which makes me a good source of information. And you’re…” I eyed the guard for a moment before deciding some things are best left unsaid. “...Important for his relationship with the ex-purifiers. That said, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t need me as a hostage, so I’m not about to push my luck.”

“Yeah… Do you know what they did with Bahamut?” he asked.

“No clue. Not that it’ll matter. He’s never going to wake up.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Pyrite didn’t hit him that hard.”

“Yeah, but my dream powers did. He’ll be in a coma until he starves to death, guaranteed. I’m not sure where Pyrite put him, but I also don’t care. The dude was a complete piece of shit and I wish Pyrite had just killed him when he had a chance. But whatever. How has he been treating you?”

“Oh, like royalty. My room isn’t as big as this, though.” He looked around for a moment before shrugging. “I also have actual meat, occasionally fish, and more types of gems. Oh, and a real bath. It’s really nice. How about you?”

“First he tortured me, then he locked me in a cell, then he let me out to watch him torture someone else, then he tortured me some more, then he locked me back in the cell. He finally let me have this room a few hours ago.”

Spike slowly looked my body over. “Um. How did he torture you, exactly?”

I rolled over, showing off all the gashes in the scales on my belly. There were still a few shards of obsidian stuck in there. “He pushed me into the grooves of his big chair until I answered his questions. I’m not sure how much you know about obsidian, but it’s extremely sharp and extremely brittle. There are human cultures that actually used to use it as a weapon.”

“...That sounds really unpleasant.”

“Yeah, it was. And so was being pushed into a fucking chair. I’m looking forward to going home.”

He didn’t reply for a moment. His eyes were still on my stomach. After a few long seconds, he walked in and started pulling shards out of me. I sighed in relief; most of them were too small for my claws to pull out.

Once they were all out, he sat against the wall and sighed. “Nav, why do I always get treated really nice when we get captured but you get tortured?”

“Because my life is suffering and it’s only gonna stop when I die. Duh.”

He shook his head sadly. “That’s just depressing.”

“Yeah, well, I just spent a day getting tortured. I imagine Pyrite’s probably not gonna be too gentle today, either. Given who I really am, I’m lucky he’s sticking to just torturing me. I’d be dead right now, if it wasn’t for Reginald.”

“Tch. Didn’t do me any favors,” he muttered.

“Bitch, you didn’t need him to. You’re being treated like fucking royalty. I damn sure wouldn’t mind trading places. Especially after you made me murder that fucking dude for you.”

“Hey, I didn’t—I told you to kick his ass, not kill him!”

“What the fuck was I supposed to do? He might have been younger than me, but he damn sure knows his body better! Did you really think I’d be able to just beat him bloody? Knock him out so we could run or whatever? Come on, dude.”

He shivered and looked away. “That was… awful. I’m sorry I put us through that, Nav.”

“Not as sorry as he is.” I decided not to tell him about the blood gem thing. “But whatever. Do you have any news from Celestia?”

“No, they won’t let me have any paper and she hasn’t sent anything. Do you think she’ll take long to give the eggs back?”

“Not if she’s smart, and I don’t take her for an idiot. She found out that Twilight was looking for information about you and threw her into a time dilation prison, so I can’t contact her. And I guess Celestia’s using magic to keep herself awake, because I haven’t been able to find her, either. I spoke to Watcher earlier, but he’s nowhere near Canterlot. At the moment, I think we’re pretty much just stuck in limbo.”

“...This bucking sucks.”

“Yeah.” I’ll have to remember never to try to help Spike again. “So does Pyrite know anything about your parents?”

“No, but he told me Reginald will get the records of all the eggs when he returns with them. I’ll find out then. He said if they’re still alive and on Iceland, he’ll see to it that I get to meet them in person!”

“Fucking awesome. I probably won’t be able to be there, but I’m still really happy for you.”

“What? Why not?”

“What part of ‘I’m a prisoner’ don’t you understand? If I walk outside that door without permission, Pyrite will straight up kill me. My ass is sitting right the fuck here until he says otherwise.”

“...I’ll try to talk to him, then. He mostly wants to talk about you anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re the other half of the reason I’m still alive. Apparently going way out of my way to help you made him really happy.” At least it did me some good, even if I’d much rather be in Canterlot right now. “If I get a chance today, I’ll ask about news. It’ll be good to know what Celestia’s doing.”

“Are you sure he won’t… I dunno, crush you?”

“No, I’m not. But I don’t think he will. I’m not looking forward to finding out, but I really want to know that I won’t be here for much longer…”

He looked around the room again before shrugging. “I kinda like it here. I think being a part of his horde might be nice.”

“I told you once that if you found your place in the world, I wouldn’t ask you to leave it behind. If you think this is it, that’s awesome. If not, well, there’s still a few parts of the world we ain’t been to yet. You still got time. Hey, maybe you can even find some more cute boys to—”

“No!” His eyes darted to the door, where our guardian was just watching us with a bored expression. His eyes met mine again and he frantically shook his head. “No thank you!”

“Hey man, you know I don’t judge. But whatevs.” I rolled back over onto my belly and stretched. “I wouldn’t mind finding a few cute boys to play with, at least. All this stress with no relief is starting to make me feel awfully pent up. If I had a door, I’d be very carefully testing how sharp my claws really are.”

“...That’s not really something I wanted to know,” he slowly replied.

“Why don’t you care about my girl problems, Spike? You’re supposed to be my friend, right?” He rolled his eyes. “Fuck you too, Spike. Last time I ever tell you about how horny I am…”

“Good. You’re way too old for me anyway, if that body’s anything to go by.”

“Wow, and now you’re calling me old? Talk about rude. I bet you never treated Rarity this way!”

“Hey, I was the perfect gentlecolt… er, gentledragon, and she thought I was gay! I thought you said girls liked… what was it… negging?”

I slowly face-clawed, wondering where in life I went wrong. That’s when I remembered I already decided it was when I was born, so I lowered the claw. “Spike, I didn’t tell you girls liked that. I said that some guys in my world used that to great effect. Trust me, you don’t wanna be one of those guys. That said, I do kinda wonder what you’re doing talking to me when you could be macking on some hot dragon honeys right now.”

“...They’re out of season. Apparently it’s pretty rare for them to have sex unless it’s spring. Guys like uh… Fizzle aren’t uncommon.”

Why would the male dragons still be horny if the females aren’t in season? Way to go, nature. “Then it shouldn’t be hard for me to get laid, if I ever get out of this cell.”

“Oh, no. Every dragon in the entire volcano knows who you are, by now. And what you really are, of course. I don’t think any of them would even speak to you, let alone try to sleep with you. I’ve been trying to tell them all that you’re cool, but none of them are interested in hearing it.”

Go figure. “Then I foresee a whole lot of schlicking in my future.”

“What… Oh. Ew.”

“I don’t need your judgment, Spike. I’m filthy, I’m a prisoner, I don’t know if I’m going to ever get released, I don’t know if I’m going to die here, and I’m really stressed out. I’ve also been in a lot of pain recently. Forgive me for needing some relaxation.” That said, getting it in the dream world might be a lot safer. These claws are kinda scary.

“I think you’re just a slut.”

“That hurts, Spike.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Tch, prove it doesn’t.”

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Anyway, they’re letting me go pretty much anywhere and do anything, but I usually have a guard. Is there anything you need? I can probably bring it to you.”

“No, they’re only letting you visit me once a day. And honestly, I don’t think there’s anything here you can bring me that would help. I wouldn’t mind a bath, but I’ll survive without one.”

“Then I’ll try to talk to Pyrite and get you out of here. I know you’re not really a dragon, but this is just… not right. You’re a hero, not a criminal!”

“...Spike, you watched me murder someone.”

“That wasn’t—”

“Dude, yes it was. I attacked Claw first, unprovoked, and then I killed him. He may or may not have deserved it, but either way, it was murder.”

“You… you murdered someone for me…”

“Yeah, I did.” Technically speaking, not the first. Well, assuming you count the stupid slave rebellion.

“...You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Nav.”

“That’s kind of sad.” He shook his head a few times before walking over and hugging me. I awkwardly hugged him back.

A few seconds after he started hugging me, the guardian at the door growled and then said, “That is enough.” Spike wasn’t interested in stopping, but I pulled him away from me and set him down. “It is time for you to leave, Spike,” he said.

Spike sighed and nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Nav.”

“Be careful, Spike. I know you’re currently free to roam around, but Pyrite might be leaving you just enough rope to hang yourself with.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, waving a claw. “You’re the one I’m worried about. Stay safe, Nav. I’ll never forgive myself if you get hurt trying to help me.”

“I’d never forgive you either,” I replied. “Now go. I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow.”

“...Alright.” He finally left, though he looked back for a moment right before leaving to walk back the way he came.

The teenager who walked with him crossed his arms and continued staring at me. When I couldn’t hear Spike’s claw-steps anymore, he said, “You’re close to him.”

“Yeah.”

“Tch. Why he’d want to associate with a lesser species is beyond me. Now get up and come on.” As much as I wanted to smack him around a little bit, I decided staying silent and following him would be wiser. Thankfully, he decided he also didn’t want to associate much with what he considered a lesser species, so he didn’t bother trying to goad me anymore.

It took us a few minutes to get back to the lake of fire. When he did, he told me to wait and then took off, flying toward Pyrite. He spoke to the big bastard for a few minutes before flying back and telling me to head to Pyrite myself. I did so with a sigh.

Once I got there, I hovered in front of him, barely flapping my wings to stay upright in the hazy air. “You already know where you belong, human,” he said after staring at me for a few seconds. “Assume the position.” God dammit. I landed on his armrest and laid back down. Before I could even try to adjust myself, he placed his claw on my back. “Due to my… condition, it was difficult to keep up-to-date with the world. Tell me everything you know about Celestia and Luna.”

“...Everything?” He increased the pressure on my back. “Okay, got it!” He eased back. “Alright, here’s what I know…”

I happened to know a lot more about Celestia and Luna than I did Discord, even if the knowledge was choppy and broken up over six thousand years. I didn’t include any of the details about my relationships with either of them, though. I figured he couldn’t care.

I was wrong, of course. “Reginald told me that you know the two of them personally,” Pyrite said. “Tell me about your relationship with the two sisters.”

Ugh. “I mean, if you want to hear about a bunch of weird interracial sex, sure.”

“Did I stutter?” he hissed, pressing down even more. I groaned in pain, but couldn’t talk until he eased back very slightly. “You will tell me every. Little. Detail.”

Fucking pervert. I told him every little detail, though. Getting crushed is a pet peeve of mine, after all. Telling him all of that took about as long as telling him everything I knew about the two of them.

When I was finished, he eased the pressure off and started tapping his claw against the armrest, right in front of my face. Each tap sent small shards of obsidian shooting toward my face. I tried to hunch up and kept my eyes closed, though I still flinched at each one.

After several uncomfortably long minutes and a few new rivets driven into the chair, Pyrite finally pulled his claw away. “You have been very forthcoming, human,” he said. “I hope that it was not entirely out of a desire to keep yourself alive. Your princess has expressed concerns with my treatment of you. She asked that I move you to better accommodations and consider… gentler methods of persuasion.”

“Not gonna lie, I’ve had better vacations,” I replied. “I’ve also conducted nicer and more productive interviews.”

“So this is what I have decided. I will no longer… aggressively persuade you. In return, you are going to tell me about every living ruler you know and then I am going to send you back to your room. I will dictate a list of questions to one of my guards so they can write them down and present them to you. You will think about them overnight and then return to me and answer them in the morning. If I find your answers agreeable, you will be given a guard that will escort you around the caves at your leisure, though you will not be allowed to leave. If you do not find this agreeable, you will return to your original cell.”

I hastily nodded. “Sounds good to me!”

“Then tell me about this… Chrysalis.”

I gulped and did so, really hoping he didn’t take a disliking to her. I knew Reginald abandoned her at some point, so I had a feeling he wouldn’t approve of her.

When I was done talking about Chrysalis, he began asking me about the political climate all over the world. It sounded like he was looking for the strongest economic and military powers and I really wondered if he was planning a power move. Or looking to trade. I honestly couldn’t tell and he didn’t give many hints either way.

By the time I finally finished, I kinda felt like I was betraying everyone. That said, living is a lot more important to me than fucking over another ruler. I’m pretty sure Pyrite knew he would be ganged up on really quickly if he tried anything, so I was hoping he was just looking for an easy reintroduction to the world.

Once I ran out of things to say, he put his hand back over me, making me flinch down to the ground. But he just started tapping his fingers again, not putting any pressure on me. The dude was really starting to piss me off and I promised myself that I’d give him some serious nightmares the next time I saw him asleep.

Or, you know, put him in a coma for the rest of his life. Whichever.

Thankfully, he didn’t keep his bullshit up for long. About a minute or two after he started, he pulled his claw back. “You have given me much to think about, Navarone. Go. I will have the questions to you soon.”

With luck, that would be the last time I ever had to see that chair again. I happily took off, eager to get away from that piece of shit. A part of me was really hoping that Celestia got her shit together quickly. Another part of me felt that all things told, I might be safer with Pyrite protecting me from her.

I landed next to the teenager, who was chilling with his feet in the lava. He rolled his eyes when he saw me and started leading me back to my shitty room.

About halfway there, I looked up and realized that he had stopped and we were surrounded by four dragon females about my size. The teenager didn’t seem very impressed and just crossed his arms.

The chick closest to him said, “Change of orders, kid. Beat it.”

“Pyrite’s orders don’t change. Move.”

One of the other ones spit on the ground. “You ever wanna fertilize an egg, kid? Because if you don’t leave right now, you’re never gonna get the chance.”

I had no clue who these dragons were, but the kid immediately backed down. He held up his hands and fucked right off. As soon as he was out of the way, the first chick said, “Keep your mouth shut and follow us.”

“I’m uh… I think I’d rather go back to my cell.”

Two of them put claws on my back and the first one narrowed her eyes. “That wasn’t a question.”

God dammit. They forced me to walk with them deeper into the main cavern. Soon, we were further than I had been yet and we were passing a lot more regular dragons. The four girls carrying me just smiled and acted natural, so no one paid us any mind. I realized then that no one else in the cave ever knew what I looked like; I probably could have ran at any time.

That said, the idea of getting caught made me stop considering it.

We got so far down into the cave that we finally stopped seeing dragons. Five minutes after that, we started seeing more of them. But after I looked for a moment or two, I noticed it was nothing but females. My ‘escort’ dropped their smiles when we were there and then finally let me go. Everyone else was staring right at me, so I decided continuing to follow them was a safe decision.

Somewhere around ten minutes after we got into female territory, we finally came to a huge cavern, covered in what looked like the treasury of ten Scrooge McDucks. My mouth literally dropped at the absolutely massive hoard before me.

My escort didn’t give me a chance to take it in and shoved me forward when I stopped. My eyes slowly looked over the huge pile of gold before me and I stopped really paying attention to where we were going.

Finally, my eyes started seeing a few weird things. In the largest pile in the room, it looked like I could see body parts. Golden wings, golden legs, golden claws, a golden tail, a giant golden body. As we got further into the room and closer to the pile, my eyes started moving closer in and I saw a long golden neck. Then a large golden head. When we finally stopped, I saw its giant golden eyes staring right at me.

Then it moved. Billions of dollars worth of gold began tumbling to the floor as the pile of treasure in front of us turned into a dragon. When enough of the gold was gone, I could tell that it was a female dragon, though she was also gold colored. Her appraising eyes stared me down for what felt like an eternity before her eyes moved onto the girl that was leading the party. “Who have you brought before me?” she rumbled, her voice sounding almost as deep as Pyrite’s.

With her eyes off me and her talking, the spell was broken and I was finally able to look more closely at her body. It was still encrusted with gems and gold bars, as though they were forced directly into her scales. She looked larger than Pyrite, but that made no sense; there’s no way she could have gotten this far into the cave being that large.

Before I could really get a grasp on her, my lead escort replied, “We bring you the one who cured your son, Lady Tintaglia.”

The huge dragon gasped and then moved forward in a flash, placing her head right in front of the one who spoke. “This is the one?!”

“This is the human Navarone, yes. Are you… sure you want to speak to her?”

“Yes! Now leave us, dearie. I would very much like to have a talk with the one who saved my son’s mind.”

One of the girls behind me started muttering, but they all bowed and left, leaving me alone with what I could only assume was somehow Pyrite’s mother.

Once she could no longer hear them (I could, but I guess her ears were full of gold), she said, “Are you truly the one?” she quietly asked. “Did you finally cure my Pyrite of madness?”

“Uh, yes ma’am?” I replied. She stared at me for another few very long seconds. “Um. W-why do you ask?”

She grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and quickly looked my body over, front and back. When she was staring at my stomach again, she shook her head. “You save his life and this is how he treats you?! I am gonna give that young man such a talking to!” To be quite honest, my mind just straight up blanked as she started ranting about how he was shaming her and making her look bad in front of the clan and this and that. It was… beyond surreal.

Her tirade lasted about four minutes, during which time I somehow managed to get over the fact this gigantic dragon was swinging me around, ranting about how her son the dragon king, scourge of Equestria, needed to get spanked.

When the old lady was finally done, she breathed out a sigh of frustration and then realized she was still holding me. “Oh, I’m so sorry, dearie!” She set me back down and gently patted my head. “Don’t you worry about a thing, little missy. You’re going to be staying with Momma Tintaglia from now on. Pyrite won’t lay a single talon on you and when I get done giving him a talking to, I guarantee you he will apologize!”

“Uhhh… Can you do that?” I slowly asked.

“Why couldn’t I, hm? If he even thinks about sending someone to get you, I’ll lock the female quarters down before he can even blink! If he ever wants to see you again, he can apologize first!”

“Um. Okay.” That was really all I could think to say.

She nodded once. “Then it’s settled! Now, let’s get you cleaned up, shall we?” She held out a hand for me. After a moment, I slowly got onto it. She rubbed my head with her other claws before carrying me to a large cave waterfall with a grate under it, leading impossibly deep into the ground.

She gently set me down on the grate and the cold water immediately knocked me to the ground. It didn’t hurt because of the scales, but the pressure was so high that I honestly couldn’t stand. For some reason, that made her chuckle and she walked off. While she was gone, I struggled to pull myself out from under the water and almost made it before she came back with a gigantic bar of soap, just about as large as I was. My eyes widened.

She once again grabbed me by the scruff of my neck to place me on her other claw, then started covering me with soap. Holy shit, what the absolute fuck is this lady doing?

Washing me, apparently. She made sure to wash behind my ear spines, under my wings, all down my tail, and in… every nook and cranny. After a few minutes, she started humming some nursery rhyme.

Oh my god, I think I’d prefer the cell!

When she was finally satisfied with the state of my cleanliness, she pulled me out of the water, then blasted me with flames. I flinched back and tried not to scream as the heat comfortably washed over me and dried all the water. After a few seconds of flames, she let the fire drop and carefully hugged me. “Oh, you’re just the cutest! We’re gonna have so much fun together!”

“C-can I go back to my cell now?” I weakly asked.

She pretended to not hear me (or maybe actually didn’t hear me, since her ears are bad), but finally let me go anyway. “It’s been so long since I got to see the sun, little lady. Would you care to tell Momma Tintaglia all about the outside world? I’d be ever so tickled!”

“O-okay?” I decided not to complain about Pyrite’s chair anymore.

She chuckled and started walking to another one of the walls. She had to go around huge piles of treasure. As she walked, she prattled on about how her son was so lost and lonely when his mind was fucked up and about how she felt so sorry for him. And now that I finally saved him, she’s gonna make sure he shows gratitude. At that point, all I really wanted was to go home and get the fuck away from crazy-ass dragons forever, but I had a feeling she wasn’t interested in hearing that.

When she finally got to the far side of the cavern, I saw that there were a lot of square holes carved into it. I could barely see a few objects resting within some of them. She reached into one of them and closed her eyes and she felt around. Finally, she gasped and withdrew her hand, holding a stoneware bottle that was about my size with a screwtop. She daintily sat down, sending tons of gold shifting everywhere. She set me on the ground in front of her, stomach up, and unscrewed the top.

“How does the sun feel?” she asked with a grin. “It’s been ages since I could leave!”

That question was a surprise. When I finally looked at her face again, I noticed she seemed… really desperate. I guess not many people really wanted to speak to the huge crazy dragon lady. Unfortunately, I was being forced to and after thinking about my chance of successfully running, I started talking.

As I told her all about how nice the outside world was, she pulled a brush out of the top of the jar and started dragging it down my stomach. The liquid hit my scales and felt like fire on them. Every time they dipped into a crack, I felt it slowly begin to close. Those that still had obsidian in them popped the stones out, shooting them into the cave. I slowly relaxed as she healed all the damage Pyrite, Bahamut, and Claw had done. I honestly didn’t realize how hard it had made breathing, since my body couldn’t bend right anymore.

When my entire front side was healed, she flopped me over to my back and began healing all the damage on it.

Once I was complete once more, she closed the jar and placed it back in the hole. I rolled back over and she placed herself over me, with me in between her claws. When she grinned, I immediately felt extremely vulnerable. “You truly are such an adorable little dragoness, aren’t you?”

“...Um.”

She sighed and looked down. “You know, Pyrite’s father was struck down by the demon just a few thousand years after we had our boy. He’s my only hatchling… And he wanted to avenge his daddy.”

I’m really not sure if I like where this is going.

“He lived, but… I don’t know if I’d call what he had a life. He was never himself again!” She actually started crying, huge gorilla tears that made me scoot back before I got waterboarded. She didn’t notice and kept going, unsurprisingly. “I helped him as best I could! But it took him thousands of years to adjust to that… that thing!”

Char snorted, but Blaze hushed him for some reason.

“And then you… you… you save him! Like it was nothing! One day, mad. The next day… my little boy, all grown up!”

She finally wailed and hugged me again, just barely stopping herself from breaking me in half. She was holding me so tight that I couldn’t even hug her back and I quickly found myself wondering if I was about to die the shittiest death ever.

Thankfully, she realized quickly she was choking me and eased back up a little, but still held me a lot tighter than I would’ve liked. Before too long, she calmed down and finally set me back on the ground, then cleared the remaining tears away with one of her long talons.

“You could never understand how much this means to me, outsider,” she happily said. “And you know, I believe I know just how to begin repaying you.”

“That’s not necessary!” I immediately said, waving my claws in front of me.

She smirked and said, “It’ll be a big reward for myself, as well.” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “You see, I never had a daughter…” I scampered away as quickly as I could, but she immediately snatched me and pulled me in for another hug. “Oh, this is gonna be so wonderful, dear! Just wait until I tell your new brother!” I immediately started pushing away from her, trying to escape her grasp.

That just made her begin carrying me to the middle of her cave, giggling in horrific glee.

Nope, there’s literally no chance I’m getting out of here alive. Someone please just kill me now!

No one listened, as usual.

Once she got back to the center of the cave, she plopped back down on her bed of gold. Thousands of gold coins and gems tumbled to the ground under her weight and it felt like my entire skeleton was jolted. She set me down on top of one of the remaining spires of gems and then fucked right back off, harmonizing a song I swear I heard Celestia hum before.

As soon as she passed a few of the columns of gold, I quickly looked around for any witnesses before taking off, flying back to the entrance and dodging around towers of wealth. I made good time and got to the entrance before she arrived wherever she was trying to go.

I landed and tried to look as nonchalant as possible while walking back the way we came, hoping I could get back to somewhere without a giant insane lizard.

Of course, I’m not allowed to have nice things. Less than half a minute after I left the massive cavern, I found myself surrounded by five female dragons, the smallest of which was still half my size. The one in front of me grinned and said, “Where oh where do you think you’re going, hm?”

“Uhhh… Lord Pyrite told me I’m supposed to be in a cell, so—”

“Lord Pyrite has no authority here, outsider,” she said.

“Well—”

The one in front of me reached a claw out and placed it against my mouth, silencing me. “I am going to give you two very unique and very mutually exclusive opportunities, outsider,” she said. “Would you like to hear them?” She didn’t move her finger, so I just shook my head. “Too bad. You can either turn around and go right back where you’re supposed to be or my sisters and I can beat you until you can no longer move and then give you to Pyrite, telling him we found you trying to escape. What’s it gonna be?” I felt my ear spines press against my head as she finally pulled her claw back.

“Can I… Can I have a moment to think about it?”

One of the larger dragons to my right popped her knuckles, making me flinch. “Lady Tintaglia doesn’t get many visitors. None of them make her smile. You hurt her feelings, we hurt you. Understand?”

I looked back to the cavern and bit my lower lip. I legitimately didn’t know which fate would be worse. After a few agonizing seconds of thought, I finally decided that horrific emotional trauma was marginally better than literally being crushed to death. With that, I sighed, dropped my head, and turned to walk back in.

“That’s a good girl,” one of them said. “You better pick that head up and smile. If you’re anything less than a perfect guest, you’re gonna regret it.”

I really should have just picked death… It was too late at that point, though. Tintaglia had gotten back to her spot and realized I wasn’t there. She was frantically looking around the room, but finally spotted me and let out a giggle of glee as she sprinted towards me, throwing massive piles of gold out of the way like they were nothing. My eyes widened and I couldn’t stop myself from dropping into the fetal position, trying to protect myself from the mounds of gold flying everywhere.

She didn’t notice and immediately wrapped me in a hug when she got to me, then started carrying me right back to the middle. Not even gonna ask what I was doing, huh? Fine by me. She placed me down on what was now the only remaining spire of gold and leaned in really close to kiss me right on my belly. What the absolute fuck.

Once she got done doing that, she popped open another stoneware bottle and pulled out a very pink brush. “I know just how to help you relax from your brother’s cruel ministrations,” she said, lifting the nail polish to one of my claws. “Just you sit still, honey!”

Maybe this is what Celestia meant when she demanded I have better accommodations. I bet she’s watching and laughing her ass off right now. I did my best to wear a smile while the crazy old lady started painting my claws bright pink. Given the horror I was feeling, it probably looked like I was having a stroke, but she didn’t mention it. Instead, she started prattling on about the good ol’ days or something.

Once she got done painting my claws, she began very gently brushing and then flossing my fucking teeth. It didn’t really feel too weird until I took a minute to really think. My dragon body is about the size of a tree and I was able to knock a healthy tree down pretty easily. This literal fucking giantess was flossing my razor-sharp teeth and singing a happy song. After a moment of listening, I realized she was singing about ripping flesh and chewing on bones.

It was right then that I decided to take a long hard look at my life. I came to the realization that if the Buddhists were right, I must have been a serial killer in my past life.

I just gave up and let her do whatever she wanted, at that point. It was a lot less painful and I could drown it in all the booze I could get my hands on later. And all things told, being bathed and babied by an absolute giant wasn’t completely terrible. It just meant I was a doll in a very uncomfortably large dollhouse full of gold.

That said, being helpless really fucking sucks.

I had to have lost track of time at some point. I guess it’s really easy to do when you’re so far underground. It’s probably a huge part of what drove Tintaglia into stark raving insanity. Hell, who am I kidding? My perception is so far skewed that I don’t know what’s insane or not anymore.

Anyway, when Tintaglia was halfway through knitting me a dress, we got a visitor. Or rather, she got a visitor. At the moment, I was just sitting in stunned silence, literally in awe. Or maybe in fear. Or laziness.

Look, I had a really weird day.

The visitor was another female dragon who entered the cavern with a fairly large note. She flew it over to us, though the thing was so large that it billowed behind her. She dropped it over us without a word and left, presumably trying to escape before finding herself in my position. The note landed on my giant matron, who eyed it for a moment before daintily picking up and and reading it. “Oh my. It seems my little baby boy is sending you letters. Would you like me to read them for you, dearie?” she hopefully asked.

“I… I can read,” I said, the first words that left my lips in what felt like hours.

“Oh… Then I’ll keep working on your dress!” She handed me the massive fucking note and continued knitting like nothing was the matter.

It was the list of questions Pyrite had. I found myself wondering if he even knew I had been taken by his mother yet. Jesus Christ. Maybe this is his way of torturing me.

Although judging by everything I had seen, I came to the conclusion that no, he legitimately had no idea I was out of his grasp.

I suddenly felt myself very, very helpless and alone in this old senile dragon’s hoard.

Blaze finally burst into giggles at my realization. “If we come to get you, it’s gonna be like saving the princess from the dragon!”

“Only the dragon is a senile old mother,” Char coldly replied. “Lost and forgotten, hidden away in a dark cave by the son that just wanted to protect her. Would you believe that Pyrite longs to kill her, Navarone?”

What? Why? I know she’s crazy, but…

“Imagine what terror she would wreak if she was free,” he said. “Look at the size of her. And as you said, she is mad, brought that way by the defeat of both her beloved and her son. I do not have all of Pyrite’s memories. He was too powerful for me to ever wrest full control of his mind. But I know that he loved his mother and never wanted to see her like this, so he hid her away in the only place he knew she could never escape. I stayed his claws from killing her more than once. Now he is too large to get to her and none of his servants are powerful enough to do it.”

And it seems that she didn’t want to be forgotten.

“No, she absolutely did not,” Char said. “She built her power, worming her way into this mountain like a disease. It was easy, since Pyrite was using the mountain to hide his hoard. The weak and poor flock to the strong and rich, after all. In time, the female dragons decided to band together deeper into the mountain, coercing the male dragons into bringing them more wealth. Those who obeyed were rewarded. Those who did not were never allowed to breed. I suppose I never realized how far things had gone. If I had, I might not have stayed his hands.”

I guess you didn’t realize that dragons grow in power with the size of their hoard, huh?

“...I did not. She is insane, but I don’t think she means harm,” Char said. “She’s just a lonely old woman who lost her husband and son and wants company.”

Great, so now I’m her company. What, is this supposed to be a life sentence?

“Well, the ship doesn’t really need you,” Blaze said. “And you angered Celestia quite a lot. She might be happy to have you out of the picture. Luna’s currently powerless. Twilight’s still in prison and would be in no position to help you without the magical amulet, which Celestia has apparently taken for herself. I managed to find the pink pony and used her to contact the water elementals. They’re currently holding position on their little island, but I imagine most of them would be happy to leave you to rot. At least then they’d know the last human would finally be safe for eternity. Judging by the size of this dragon, they wouldn’t be able to fight her anyway. They certainly wouldn’t be able to fight the hordes of them between the two of you. And of course, I am in no mood to die for you. Maybe if there was even a chance, but not like this. So yes, I do believe this might be a life sentence.”

...Please tell me you’re joking. About any of those.

“You have managed to alienate some of the most powerful people on the planet,” Blaze solemnly replied. “Did you really think it wouldn’t have consequences?”

Char finally shut him up. “There is no such thing as a perfect prison, human,” he said. “You know that she is insane. You know that she doesn’t want to hurt you. You know that she loves her son and her family. You can use this. Use her insanity as your power. She is a psychological crutch for her son. If you can get her on your side, his power could be yours.”

Look dude, I don’t give a fuck about power. At this point, I just wanna be back to human and done with this dragon bullshit. If you have a plan, lay it on me.

“...I don’t think either of you understand,” he said. “With me and Bahamut out of the way, there is nothing stopping Pyrite from world domination. All he has to do is decide that he wants something and it will be his. And dragons are made of desires. What they want, they obtain. And they want everything. If you don’t find a way to use his mother to control him, Pyrite will bathe the world in flames to sate his greed and there is nothing anyone could do to stop him. By asking me to free his mind, by locking his only rival into stasis for eternity, by breaking Luna’s mind and shattering Celestia’s will, this is what you have wrought. You and that crazy old woman are all that stand in the way of a world of ashes, human. So wipe that horrified look off your face, put on a real smile, and start thinking of how to use this woman before there’s nothing left to save.”

Well when you put it like that…

It took me a several more minutes to come up with some manner of plan, and I really hoped it was a good one. When she finished pulling the dress over my scaley body, I asked, “Momma, do you know Bahamut?”

She paused, her hands quivering slightly. After a second, she blinked and nodded. “I believe I’ve heard the name, honey. But you don’t need to worry about that big meanie! Your big brother will keep you safe from him!”

“Py—Er, my big brother already beat him up,” I replied. “He unified Iceland, in fact.”

“...Really?”

“Yes, Momma. Bahamut tried hurting me, but I cured my big bro and he saved me.”

“Well, that’s wonderful news! I’m glad to know you two are really getting along. How do you like your dress?”

“...I love it,” I replied. Rarity probably wouldn’t, though. It was bland and grey, made with moth-eaten silk she presumably had lying in a corner somewhere. “Thank you, Momma.”

“Don’t even mention it, my precious little baby girl! Now, are you getting hungry, hm? It looks like you could use some more muscle under those scales!”

“I’m fine, but—”

“Nonsense! You’re gonna eat and that’s final!” She giggled before carefully grabbing me and ferrying me to a massive stack of gems. The pile was easily three times my size. She sat down in front of it, more evenly distributing its weight, and laid me down on my back. Once I was out of her grasp, she carefully grabbed a single cut gem of a type I hadn’t seen before, and held it right in front of my face. “Come on, dear, eat up. Mother’s always right!”

I shrugged and let the old bat feed me. After everything I had been through, it honestly felt like par for the course. She also had a bunch of gems I hadn’t tried yet, all of which were exquisite. That said, I really wasn’t too hungry. After about two dozen unique and very tasty gems, I rubbed my belly and said, “I’m kinda full, Momma.”

Her mouth tightened a little and she lightly poked me in the belly. When I didn’t make any kind of reaction, her eyes narrowed and she proffered another gem. “Don’t you wanna grow up to be big and strong like your brother?” she asked.

Uhhh… “No, I wanna grow up to be nice and beautiful, like Momma,” I finally replied.

She paused for a moment, as the insanity in her brain struggled to come up with some kind of reply. Finally, she smiled and set the gem down so she could hug me. “Don’t worry, honey. You will! You’ll grow up and fall in love with a nice strong dragon and give me plenty of grandhatchlings!”

I wonder if she already forgot I’m not actually a dragon. “You already have two granddaughters,” I replied.

Her eyes seemed to light up and she actually squeed, dropping me so she could shake her front claws like crazy in joy. Since she was huge and loud, the squee rattled a lot of the treasure around us and started avalanches of gold all over the place. The pile of gems started tumbling down and I had to jump up and out of the way before I was crushed. Before I could move too far, she snatched me up and hugged me again.

“I wanna meet them!”

“Well you see, that might be a problem…”

She gasped and pushed me back so she could look me in the eyes. “What’s wrong?! Are they sick? Are they hurt?” Her grip got very tight and her pupils narrowed into slits. “Did somebody HURT MY GRANDHATCHLINGS?!”

“NO NO NO!” Her gripped loosened and I sighed in relief. “They’re… they’re both fine. But… Well, they aren’t dragons. I adopted both of them, like you did with me. The others wouldn’t let them into Iceland to see you.”

She snorted a huge wad of smoke. “We’ll just see about that! Nothing will stop me from seeing my newest family members!”

Oh Taya, I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I get the feeling Eva will love it, though. “One of them is a pony and one of them is a changeling. That doesn’t matter, does it?”

She took a moment to process that before shaking her head. “Family is who you make it dearie.” One of her claws gently booped me on the snout. “You should know that better than anyone here! After all, I’m your new mommy!”

“...Right. But uh… I think Pyrite might want to hurt the ponies. And the changelings. And, you know, maybe everything else. He’s been asking me a lot of pointed questions about how strong each race is. If he starts attacking the world, he might hurt my beautiful little girls…”

She stared at me for almost an entire minute before her eyes narrowed and she dropped me. Before I could say anything else, she sprinted to the entrance of the cavern. “ATTEND ME!” she roared into the opening. It was so loud that I could hear it echoing all around me for about a minute, though it didn’t take anywhere near that long for dozens of female dragons to come running. Most of them glared at me, assuming I upset her or something.

The largest one that showed up bowed to the great gold beast and said, “How may we serve you, Lady Tintaglia?”

“My wretched son is planning to hurt my grandhatchlings! You will send him a letter at once telling him he will do no such thing! If he ever plans to attack the mortal races, he won’t have a home to come back to! And if any of his supporters want to help him, they’ll never see a female dragon again in their infinite lives! You hear me? I WON’T ALLOW IT!”

All of the gathered female dragons started whispering and several more of them began glaring at me. The one that spoke up first lifted her head and stared at Tintaglia in concern. “Are… are you sure, my lady? Whatever this outsider told you, I’m sure—”

“I HAVE SPOKEN!” Tintaglia roared, making everyone flinch. “I love my family! I won’t have them hurting each other! You will tell him at once!”

The large female dragon at the front of the group slowly looked at me and her vestigial eyelids blinked before she looked back at Tintaglia and nodded. “As you command, Lady Tintaglia.”

Wow, that was easier than I thought. The insane lady immediately calmed down and smiled. “Such a good girl,” she said, patting the female dragon who was about Reginald’s size on the head. “Go on now! And do make sure to send my love to my precious little boy. It’s been ever so long since I could see him. Oh, and let me know if he’s taking care of himself, please.”

“Of course, my lady,” she coldly replied. She cast me another short glare before the group started dispersing.

Lady Tintaglia pranced back to me with a huge grin on her face. Of course, for her, prancing probably caused an earthquake above us. I know it definitely shook the ground and knocked a few rocks down from the ceiling. Thankfully, none of them landed anywhere near me. When she got to me, she laid on the floor and said, “That’s that. Now, where were we…?”

As she started doing more weird girly shit to me, I began forming another plan to get away from her grasp, preferably without ever having to come back.

About an hour after she ordered her subjects to send the note, I heard a distant roaring echoing through the caves. She either didn’t hear it or ignored it and continued to apply moldy makeup to my face. It stank to high heaven, but I wasn’t about to try to tell her no. Man oh man, if Rarity could see me now, she might have a heart attack. Ugly as shit dress, clashingly painted claws, and a horrible makeup job. I can already hear her whining.

At that point, I was pretty tired. I’m not really sure how long I had been awake and I had no idea what time it was, but my body was starting to really want rest. Tintaglia ignored my yawns for a while, though I had a feeling she definitely noticed them.

It took the messenger from Pyrite about half an hour or so to get back to us. When she did, she flew straight to the big dragoness, who was in the process of trying to tickle me. It wasn’t doing much since I was covered in scales, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

The messenger landed next to me and bowed. Tintaglia didn’t look up until the chick cleared her throat. “My lady, Pyrite would like to speak to the outsider.”

The old lady blinked a few times, then looked around the cavern. “There aren’t any outsiders here, dearie. Just me and my daughter!”

That kinda stumped the messenger for a second. She looked down at me, confusion in her face. I could only shrug. She sighed and looked back at Tintaglia to say, “Pyrite would like to see… his sister. He said it’s very urgent.”

Tintaglia snorted. “Well that’s just too bad! He was picking on her. If he wants to see her, he can apologize first. But it’ll have to be in the morning. Just look at her! She’s all tuckered out, the poor thing…”

“I don’t mind going,” I hastily said.

My ‘mother’ reached down and placed a claw against my mouth. “You aren’t going anywhere until your brother apologizes, little missy! Especially not with how tired you are…” She looked back at the messenger. “Now you run along and tell my son that he can speak to his cute little sister if he very politely apologizes. And he better mean it, too! I’m gonna read the letter he sends first, so it better be sincere!”

“...I don’t think he’s gonna like that, my lady,” the messenger replied. “In fact, he uh… he wasn’t very happy with your last message, either.”

“I don’t care if he likes it or not! If he wants to speak to my sweet little daughter, he has to apologize! And if he even thinks about trying to take her from me before apologizing, he’ll have to go through all of us to do it!” She nodded once. “You can tell him he has until she wakes up to deliver a heartfelt apology or… or… or he won’t get any more presents for a decade!”

The messenger just stared at Tintaglia blankly for several very long seconds, presumably thinking back to all the decisions she made in life that led her to this point. Finally, she quietly said, “As you command, Lady Tintaglia.” With that, she fucked right back off.

The big beast nodded once before carefully scooping me up and walking me over to the largest remaining pile of gold. She used the other claw to scoop out a bed on it before placing me into it and then covering all but my head in gold. “Now you get your rest, honey,” she said. “You need to be at your best when you see your brother tomorrow! He’s the king, after all.” She leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. “Goodnight, dear.”

“...Goodnight, Mommy,” I replied, trying to sound loving. The way she was beaming, I figured it worked.

I didn’t much want to go to sleep while still wearing a disgusting dress and makeup, but I wasn’t about to wipe it off while she was staring at me. Instead, I just closed my eyes and forced myself to sleep, hoping she wouldn’t do anything to knock the pile of gold over.

I checked the dream anteroom several times that night, but I never found anyone overly useful asleep in Canterlot. It was… disconcerting. I also never saw Luna in the anteroom, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

When I finally woke up, it was to Momma Tintaglia staring at me from the exact same spot. It honestly didn’t look like she had moved at all and her smile seemed a little too… manic. But that was exactly what I had come to expect, so I did my best to push down the uncomfortable feeling I had and smile back.

“Good morning, sweetie,” she happily said, finally backing away.

I sat up and stretched, trying not to shiver at the feeling of the caked-on makeup slathered across my face. “Good morning, mommy,” I replied.

“I have excellent news! Your brother finally sent a really sweet apology letter. Are you ready to see him?”

I really didn’t want to see him while I was wearing a horrible dress, had painted claws, and covered in makeup, but I was also absolutely tired of being a prisoner of a crazy lady who was convinced I was her daughter. My eyes found the waterfall, but I looked back at her and nodded.

Unfortunately, she saw me look away and followed my eyes to the water. When she saw it, she gasped. “Oh, I couldn’t send you to him without a bath first! You have to look your absolute best, after all!”

“That’s not—” She grabbed me and pulled the dress right off, then waddled over to the waterfall and set me down under it again. I once more found myself forced down onto the grate while she went to get her huge bar of soap. I just sighed and let her clean me again. Fighting wasn’t worth the time or effort.

Once she was done with that bullshit, she bathed me in flames again and set me down. “Oh, you’re just so… so… so precious! Come along, now!” She started walking to the entrance of the cavern. I hurried to follow, hoping I might finally be free of her crazy ass. Once she got there, she slammed a claw into the ground, sending a nasty cracking sound echoing into the tunnels.

It didn’t take long for one of her many servants to show up and bow. “How may we assist you, Lady Tintaglia?” the newcomer asked.

“I would like you to escort my pretty little daughter to her big brother, dearie,” my ‘mother’ said. “It would make me ever-so-happy. And if you could keep her company until she gets back, it would just warm my heart!”

The female dragon eyed me with distaste for a moment before looking back at the big crazy bitch. “As you command, my lady,” she slowly replied. Her eyes turned to me again, once more full of disgust and distrust. “Come with me.”

I started to follow, but before I could finally get into the tunnel, Tintaglia snatched me up in one more hug. “Oh, I can’t wait for your next visit! Ooh, maybe you can bring my new granddaughters with you!”

“M-Maybe,” I groaned, trying to push myself away from her.

Once she had her fill of lovey-dovey bullshit, she set me down, kissed me on the forehead, and let me finally leave. I followed behind the sexily wagging tail of my new guide, wondering just how pissed Pyrite was gonna be when he finally saw me.

I was guessing very and I didn’t know whether to be scared or resigned. My only hope is that he was willing to do anything to keep his mother happy, even if it meant letting me leave in one piece.

While we were walking through the female quarter, all the chicks we passed glared daggers at me. It was very obvious they had expected my meeting with Tintaglia to go a… slightly different direction, I guess. At the very least, they weren’t expecting me to be adopted by her. They certainly weren’t expecting her to demand them all to refuse to help her son take over the world.

None of them said anything directly to me, though. I guess they all knew that if anyone confronted me, someone else would tell Tintaglia and she would find herself exiled. Still, my escort didn’t waste any time. She presumably wanted to wash her hands of me and let me become Pyrite’s problem.

Once we got into the regular part of the mountain, we stopped getting nearly as many looks. I was still an outsider, but I guess outsiders were a lot more common closer to the entrance.

Soon enough, we were back at the massive pool of lava. My escort stood right at the edge of it and just stared at me. I could barely see Pyrite on the throne through the haze and smoke. I almost bothered to say a short prayer before realizing it would be pointless. Instead, I just took off and flew toward what I was hoping wouldn’t be my doom.

As soon as Pyrite saw me, his mouth snapped shut and he just glared at me. It was like getting hit by twelve thousand years of raw hatred all at once and it almost made my wings falter and send me into the lava, but I barely caught myself and managed to hover in front of him.

We had a kind of strange staring contest for about thirty seconds before he slowly held out a claw, palm up. I looked at it for a moment before cautiously landing on it. He leaned back in his obsidian throne and just stared at me for a little longer.

Finally he said, “There is exactly one reason I am not tearing you to pieces right now, human,” he said.

“Look man, I got dragged there against my will. All I could do was roll with it.”

“You will be silent until I give you permission to speak.” I decided nodding might be wise. “My mother is a very lonely dragon. It appears she was grateful for what you did to me. I am not going to kill you because of that. It seems that in her delusions, she… adopted you. And I’m not sure what you told her, but she has… informed me that it would be unwise to extend my influence. This has put me in something of an interesting position. Most of Bahamut’s ex-supporters want me to attack the ponies. Thankfully, Celestia has agreed to return the eggs. Half of them are already en route, along with all of the notes she has on them. The other half will be on the way tomorrow. Once they are safely here, I will allow you to depart on one condition. Would you like to take a guess as to what that condition is?”

“...That I never come back?”

“Incorrect. It seems that my mother was… unfortunately quite taken by you. I don’t see why, but it is what it is. I will allow you to leave on the condition that you return often to visit her to keep her happy. If you do not, I will send someone to get you. And if I have to send someone to get you, you will not be leaving again. Do we have an understanding?”

“Wait wait wait… You want me to come back?!”

“No, I do not. But you will be coming back, one way or another. You will come back and you will keep… our mother happy.”

“Look, Pyrite… Your mom is crazy, dude. I guarantee she’ll forget about me in a few hours. If you just let me leave, I’m sure she won’t—”

“I have spoken, human. Do not make me repeat myself. If she likes your company, you will give her company. And if she demands that I stay my claws and withhold my flames… then so be it. I’m afraid I am living in a volcano divided. She has far more power than she should. Until I find some way to take that power from her… I will have to appease her. No matter how degrading or disgusting the act may seem. And since you appease her, you will be her perfect daughter. If you do anything to upset her, I guarantee that you will regret it. Do you understand?”

“...How often do I have to come back?”

“I will send messages via Spike if your presence is needed. Now leave me before I finally lose my temper.”

“Um… Where am I supposed to go, now? I kinda wanna see Spike, but—”

“There are no words to express how little I care about what you want, human. You will return to my mother at once and keep her company until you are summoned again. With luck, she’ll quickly grow tired of you so I can tear you to pieces for daring to stand in my way. Now leave before I truly lose my patience!”

Leaving sounded like a good idea. I hopped off his hand and flew back to the edge of the lava lake, where my escort was bathing. It looked pretty nice, but before I could land next to her, she pulled herself out and shook herself off, sending super hot chunks of magma all over the place. Once she was clear, she started walking back into the tunnels without a word. I sighed and followed.

She led me straight back into the belly of the beast. Or I guess more accurately, into the den of the crazy lady. When we were once again in the cavern, I found that Tintaglia did her best to clean the place up a little. A lot of the gold and gems had been pushed back into piles and she was once more lounging on the largest one, though she hopped up with a huge grin when she saw me again.

“How was your visit?” she happily called over.

“It was alright,” I yelled back, continuing to walk closer to her. I didn’t want to fly because I honestly wasn’t in a hurry to get closer. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel like waiting and hopped off her pile to walk over and hug me again.

“Did he apologize again?” she asked.

“...Yes,” I lied. “He seemed very regretful and promised to never hurt me again.”

“Good! Oh, I do so love it when my hatchlings get along…” She gently set me down and started walking back to the wall with all the holes, where she presumably kept everything. “I know just how to celebrate, too!”

Oh boy. “That’s uh… that’s not necessary! Him being happy is enough for me!”

“But not for me, dearie!” Ugh. I gave up and followed her, wondering when someone would finally put me out of my misery.

I’m going to pretend I forgot all the indignities I had to go through as she celebrated her two children making nice. I know I’ll probably never actually forget, but not writing it down helps.

For better or worse, I survived her attempts at beautification. After what felt like an eternity of suffering, I finally realized I could lie about being tired and then force myself into the dream realm when she let me go to bed. So that’s just what I did.

As soon as I got there, I looked around for anyone useful. The first person I looked for was Celestia, and I immediately found her golden dream. Sleeping the day away, hm?

“She’s been taking short naps throughout the day,” Blaze said. “I believe she’s been staying up all night, and has been for the last day or two.”

“...Huh.” I summoned a few dream guards and said, “Lock this dream down. Nothing but me gets in or out.” They hurried to obey. “Let’s go say hi,” I said with a small grin.

Neither of my elementals replied, so I hopped into Celestia’s dream. As soon as I entered, the world turned into a black void. A moment later, Celestia appeared before me. “What do you want,” she said. It definitely didn’t sound like a question.

“Information, if you don’t mind,” I replied with a cheeky grin. “Pyrite isn’t exactly keeping me in the loop and I’d quite like to see my daughter again. What’s going on?”

“Reginald… persuaded me to return the dragon eggs. I sent the first half of them today, along with one of my few remaining loyal servants to ensure that Spike is being taken care of. Now that I have an assurance that he is okay, I will send the second half tomorrow. Once that is done, Pyrite has agreed to release both of you. The instant you are released, you will return Spike to me. I have much to discuss with my son.”

“...I think he might want to discuss some things with his actual parents, first.”

“I’m afraid what he wants is not something he will obtain, this time. I must speak with him first. In person, not by letters. Spike is special. He is destined for greatness. I was going to teach him that in time, but now that you ruined everything, I’ll have to try to make him understand. He can’t wallow in mediocrity, living a dull dragon life with his apathetic parents.”

“...Wow.”

“Now you understand, Nav.”

Yeah, I understand that you’re a truly rotten bitch. What you want is more important than what your son wants, I guess. “Yeah, I think I do.” I understand that it might be time for a new ruler in Equestria.

She sighed in relief. “Good. It seems we’ve fought so much the last few days that… Well, I thought I couldn’t rely on you anymore. We also need to have a talk in person, Nav. And with how much stress we’ve both been under… perhaps we can do a bit more than talk.”

I kinda gotta agree with Bloodbeak on this one. I’d sooner take a viper to bed, at this point. “Maybe so,” I said with a fake grin. That said, I think I might talk to Fleur and Blossom first.

She gave me a genuine smile. “I’ll be waiting.”

I took that as my cue to leave. I had the information I needed. I looked around for anyone else useful, but found no one. Instead, I dismissed the guards around her dream and decided to go dream busting.

Several dream-days later, which equated to about six or seven hours in real time, I finally found the dream I was looking for. Fleur was in the middle of a golden dream about eating infinite doughnuts handed to her by sexy stallions.

As nice as it must have been for her, I kinda needed to talk to her. So I jumped in, made sure I was a dude, and then stuck three doughnuts on my dick. She eyed me with a grin and started to reach her mouth out to get one. That’s when I realized to her, I was still just part of the dream.

I decided not to disabuse her of that notion. After all, I did need some stress relief…

Once she got her cream filling, I summoned a chair and sat down. “So you know I’m the real Nav, right?”

“Hm?” she asked around bites of another doughnut. Apparently none of the stallions minded the fact that her face was still dripping with my seed.

“I know how to dream walk. I’m the real Nav. I’m inside of your dream right now.”

She blinked a few times before recognition came to her eyes. “Oh! This… this is a dream!”

“Yep.” I grabbed one of the doughnuts she was being offered and started eating it, then grabbed another one and slid it down her horn. “I gotta say, this is a nice one.”

She slowly looked around at the group of stallions around her. “I suppose it is…”

“Anyway, I need your help,” I said.

“Oh! Anything for you, Nav,” she said, turning back to me and beaming. The juices on her face kinda ruined it a little, but it was what I wanted to hear.

“Good. How do you feel about the title Empress of Equestria?”

She blinked a few more times. “Um. I’m not so sure…”

“Well, we have time to think of a better one. If Celestia doesn’t get her act together very soon, you and I are going to cast her down.” Her mouth dropped. “Assuming Blossom supports us, that is. I want the two of you to be ready to move within an hour’s notice. From the moment I say it’s time, Celestia will have one hour to live. After that, I will become king and you will probably become my queen. Or I guess I’ll become queen and you’ll probably become my queen consort.”

“You… you can’t…”

“The world is going to be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Fleur. Celestia is rotten to the core. I’m going to give her a chance to redeem herself, but I don’t think she’s going to take it. If she does, she’ll lose most of her power anyway. Soon, there will be an immense power vacuum in this world. I aim to fill her spot as quickly as possible, preferably with someone who won’t be that evil. Will you help me?”

That seemed to knock her out of her stupor. “Yes! Absolutely!” She cleared her throat for a moment before saying, “Blossom and I have discussed this in the past, Nav. She’s been waiting for this moment ever since Luna confessed. That is the moment her loyalties shifted from the monarchy to Equestria. And it’s her opinion that the monarchy of Equestria might be one of the biggest problems with Equestria. The majority of the army of Equestria is yours, Navarone.”

“...And the nobles?” I asked.

“Will not be hard to convince. Celestia turned you into a victim, Navarone. You don’t truly understand the power you wield because of it. There are some that fear you, but the vast majority understand that you have been wronged by both princesses, and would support you against them due to the sheer injustice of it all.”

“What about the people?”

“...They might be harder to convince.”

I crossed my arms and leaned back in the chair. “How does the sun move, Fleur?”

Her ears drooped down. “That is my one hesitation, Nav. I know I’m not powerful enough to move the sun for you. I’m sure we could find a solution, though!”

I shook my head. “Wrong answer. Celestia could never move the sun.” Her eyebrows lifted. “That was a lie she came up with to force the ignorant pegasi and earth ponies to support her. She and her sister used powerful magics to convince everyone that they raise the sun. The truth is a lot simpler. The planet spins around the sun once every year. As it spins, it rotates once every twenty-four hours. This happens naturally. It involves zero magic. And I can prove it mathematically.”

“...What?”

“How hard do you think the people would be to convince if we had proof that Celestia lies about moving the sun and censored most of history? How hard do you think the people would be to convince if they saw her executed and then watched the sun continue moving across the sky? How hard do you think the people will be to convince when hundreds of history books appear that detail the truth? I want your help, Fleur. But before that, I want you to understand that this is the right thing to do. If Celestia can’t be redeemed, she must die. There’s too much at stake to leave it in her evil hooves. I want you to do this because you understand that it needs to be done, not because I’m asking you.”

“...One year ago, I would have called you a fool and ran to find the closest guard. But now… I want your proof. I will support you, Navarone. One way or another, I will support you. But if you want me to truly believe in you over Princess Celestia, I will take whatever proof you have that she is a liar.”

“At the moment, you’ll have to take my word for it,” I said. “When I get back to Canterlot, I’ll show you and Blossom the truth.”

She smiled and nodded. “I look forward to it, Nav. Do you know when you’ll be getting back?”

“I’m afraid not. Celestia decided not to tell us that the dragons hated her guts and were about one bad day away from a civil war over eradicating the ponies, so I’m currently a prisoner.” She gasped. “With luck, I’ll be freed tomorrow. But after that, I still have a few things to do here in Iceland. I pissed Celestia off and got some of my crew arrested, so I can’t even do anything there.”

“...She released them,” Fleur replied. “Kat came back to my home this morning. If you have time tonight and are able to see her dreams, I suggest that you talk to her. I believe she needs your help.”

“So she finally woke up?”

“Indeed. And she has quite a story to tell. And an interesting new ability. I think she’ll need to tell you about it herself. I’m afraid I still don’t quite understand it.”

“Then I’ll keep an eye out for her dreams. I’ll be coming to see you when I get back to Equestria, Fleur. Until then, I’ll leave you to your happy dream.”

I stood to go, but she quickly said, “Wait.” I lifted an eyebrow. “How did you get here, anyway?”

“Luna found an artifact that gives dreams to all the species humans created. She managed to access it with magic and that lets her access dreams. She gave me the same access to it.”

“Hm. And you can access any dream?”

“Now, yes. When Luna originally set it up, it was just the dreams of ponies. I managed to unlock it for every race.”

“I see. What can you do in these dreams?”

“Anything I want,” I said, waving a hand and making a bouquet appear in it. “I usually help those having nightmares. I also use it to communicate, like this.”

“...And get free blow jobs.”

“Only on people who I know would be happy to do it in person,” I replied. “That said, I might or might not have a habit of giving people more wet dreams than they’d normally have. I just don’t make a point in appearing in them personally.”

“So you have the power to do anything you want here… Do you have the power to make anyone you want?”

“Yep.” I created Big Mac and gave him a plate full of doughnuts. She grinned and took one. “Any requests before I go?”

She eyed Big Mac before standing and walking around him a few times, looking him up and down. Once she had him fairly well appraised, she lowered a hoof between his legs and started feeling around until she got the reaction she wanted. When she did, she gasped. Once she was over her surprise, she lasciviously grinned and looked at me. “As a matter of fact, I do have a request…”

I left her red dream behind a few minutes later, a smile on my face. It felt good to finally make up my mind about Celestia, even if my decision was a dark one. Unfortunately, I had a feeling that following that decision through would be easier said than done. With that in mind, my next destination was the dream of Cadance.

Surprisingly enough, she was actually having a nightmare. I took a peek and it was about her baby being hurt. That couldn’t stand, so I hopped in and fixed Skyla up right quick, instantly turning the skies gold.

I let Cadance play with her hateful baby for a few minutes before clearing my throat. It took another minute for Cadance to finally look up and realize I was still there. “Oh, hey Nav. Do you wanna play with Skyla?”

“Does she hate me as much here as she does in the real world?”

“What are you… Oh. Oh!” She looked around, and then up. “...This is a dream.” She looked back down with a grin. “Then she’ll love you with all her heart.” She proffered the foal, who stared up at me with joy in her eyes.

“Then fuck it, whatever,” I took her and she giggled at the feeling of my fingers. I cupped her against my chest and started rubbing her belly. She began cooing. “Man, if only she wasn’t this evil in the real world.”

“I think we both know better than that, Nav. She loves everypony!”

“...Except me.”

“I said everypony. And I guess every dragon. And every changeling. Really, everyone but you specifically. I’m honestly really curious why.”

“I’m honestly really hoping she’ll get over it,” I replied. “Imagine what a vindictive little princess with her magic powers could do to a guy.”

“I can assure you, I will not allow that to happen. Anyway, how can I help you, Nav? I know you don’t typically just do social calls and I imagine you’re busy at the moment.”

“I’m actually a prisoner at the moment.”

Before I could keep talking, she gasped and asked, “Do you need me to mount a rescue?!”

“No, no. That’s just me saying I’m not busy. Shit hit the fan the moment we got here. Celestia didn’t give me any information at all and I walked into the middle of a cold war between pro-Equestria dragons and anti-Equestria dragons. Or I guess, a pro-dragon group and an anti-Equestria group. Either way, I ended up getting captured by the side who wanted to eradicate Equestria. I got carried to the fortress of the pro-dragon group and used as a hostage. I cured the dragon king’s insanity and he beat the everloving shit out of the guy that captured me. He then proceeded to capture me himself and torture me for two or three days. Now that Celestia’s releasing all the dragon eggs she had as hostages, I should get released soon.”

“Alright, back up. What dragon egg hostages?”

“I guess you didn’t know about that, huh?” I told her everything I knew about the treaty. By the time I finished, she had a very calculating look on her face. “That whole thing is what sparked the cold war. At the moment, I have a huge influence over Pyrite, and he absolutely hates it. He wants me gone as quickly as possible to save face. Joke’s on him, because I’m not leaving until I find Spike’s parents.”

Her ears fell flat. “I’m… I’m afraid that’s not possible,” she said. “Unless Celestia chooses to tell you herself.”

“...Why?”

She sighed. “I asked her that myself, several years ago. She told me she didn’t know why the mages had a dragon’s egg, but that she would ensure Spike was raised properly. She showed me the book the mages had about his past, about how his egg had moved around time and again, but there was no origin for it. The book she showed me may have been an incomplete copy, but… I believe she had that information erased! I just… I don’t know why she would do that!”

“Because she never wanted to tell him,” I coldly replied. “She wanted all the power over him. She doesn’t want him to have anywhere else to go but back to her bosom. Celestia wanted a pet dragon, a replacement for Luna and Reginald. I imagine she saw the signs that Luna was finally returning and decided she didn’t need him anymore. Now Luna’s gone and she’s desperate to have him back.”

“...That sounds very cold, Nav. I know love. I can feel it between two people. Celestia does love him, Nav. Never forget that.”

“I bet she loved Luna, too. That didn’t stop her from turning her into a weapon. What I said was cold, but so is Celestia. That woman uses people until she uses them up and then casts them aside. First she threw Luna to the moon, and now she’s thrown her away again. She threw you to Sombra to die. She threw Spike to Twilight when Luna came back. She can feel love for Spike all she wants, that doesn’t mean Spike won’t still have a horrible fucking life.”

“...Why are you here, Nav?”

“The last time we spoke, you said the world needed a leader. Do you remember that?”

“...I do. And I remember that I suggested you.”

“Cadance… I don’t ask you this lightly. And all I can ask is that you take it in confidence. Would you support me against Celestia?”

She didn’t hesitate a second. “Yes.”

“Oh.”

“You could have asked me since the second Luna confessed and the answer to that would have been yes. The instant she told the world that Celestia knew she was torturing you and did nothing, I lost every ounce of respect for either of them. When Luna looked at you in that crowd, and I saw you and I saw that you were armored and armed, a part of me hoped you were there to start a revolution. The instant you give the word, I and the entire Crystal Empire will turn on Princess Celestia. We will fight to the end, even if it means we lose. I don’t want to live in a world where the most evil person alive is regarded as a saint.”

“Well alright then. I’m giving her a very narrow path to redemption. If she chooses to follow it, I’ll work with her. But if she falls astray, she has to die. It could literally mean the end of everything we know if she’s allowed to live. Discord put her in power for a reason and if she continues her dark path, I think we’re gonna figure that reason out firsthand.”

“...Agreed. You’re walking a very dangerous road right now, Nav. Despite her recent losses of power, if she catches wind of what you’re doing right now, she will eradicate you. When it’s time, you better be ready. She won’t go down easily.”

“And I’m not gonna give her a single hint of it until it’s time. I want her to choose to become better, not become better out of fear. If it ever becomes time, she will never see it coming.”

“Don’t be so sure, Nav. It might surprise her, but that doesn’t mean she won’t have ways to counteract what you can do. Ever since you helped Pinkie and the naga, she’s been watching you. She’s been building up a list of all your strengths, all your weaknesses, your opinions, your relationships, what you know, everything. And she worked with Luna on ways to stop you in any number of situations. She knows who and what you are, Nav. You are chaos incarnate, an agent of insidiousness, a spreader of dark truths, even if you don’t mean to be. You are the wrench in her plans, the monster under her bed. Every time she tries to control you, you slip away from her and ruin even more plans. That’s part of why she wants to be in a relationship with you. She believes if you finally settle down with her, she can keep you under her hoof and make sure you don’t destroy her nation. Part of the reason she chose to use you instead of kill you is because she knew killing you would create a lot more problems in the long run.”

“...You know, if she had just left me alone from the start, none of this would have ever happened. She forced me into this life. One way or another, she’s gonna regret it. But if she won’t learn her lesson, she won’t live to regret it for long.”

“You should practice your speech for when it happens,” she said with a cheeky grin. “There’s nothing like the dashing hero telling the wicked villain all their sins right before slaying them.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I sarcastically replied. “Thank you for your support and your confidence, Cadance. I hope I’ll never need it, but if I do, I’ll call on you first.”

“Good,” she said with a nod. “Are you gonna tell Shiny yourself? Or do you want me to tell him?”

“Will he support me?”

“Absolutely. He would have supported you after the second Europe party, when Celestia wiped his memories and he later found out what she did to you. We’ve had this talk before.”

“...Really?”

“After Pertz was condemned to Tartarus, he invited Fleur to the Crystal Empire. She’s made a very remarkable transformation. All thanks to you, she was quick to point out. She was able to tell us… quite a lot. When she left, Shining Armor and I sat down together and decided we were on your side, no matter what. Everything that’s happened since then has just reinforced it. I’m not sure how useful we’ll be, but you’ll have us.”

“Then I’ll let you tell him. Do you know if Twilight will support me yet?”

She sighed and floated her baby from my arms into her grasp. Skyla seemed disappointed for a moment to be away from my fingers, but seeing her mother’s face perked her right back up. “I think Twilight will need convincing. But I think she can be convinced. Shiny and I should be there when you try it.”

“Then we’ll see what we can do after I get back and you guys come to Canterlot. If Twilight joins us, the rest of the Elements will be right behind her. I already spoke to Fleur. She has the support of the nobles. Blossom’s already with me and she has the support of the army. I think Bloodbeak will side with me and I don’t think Chrysalis will be hard to convince. Pyrite hates my guts, but he hates Celestia even more. The cats will go wherever the wind blows. I think the dogs just want to stay out of everything. The instant I say the word, I want her entire safety net gone and I want her tried and executed in less than an hour. Work with Shining Armor on plans for how to make that happen.”

“Got it.”

“I’ll introduce the two of you to Blossom and Fleur properly when you all get to Canterlot. Shiny’s shield might be the only way we can plan this without Celestia finding out.”

She shook her head. “That’ll just make her suspicious. We might need to think of a way to distract her while we meet.”

“We’ll figure something out. I know you’re not stupid, but be careful with what you say and who you say it to. We’re planning treason. If this gets out before we’re ready…”

“I know, Nav. Shining Armor has learned at least a little subtlety since we got here. Do you know how long we have to prepare?”

“Not yet, unfortunately. I can’t do it until after we get back from Tartarus. If we have to kill Celestia, we’ll be in the end-game. I have a feeling Discord will get pissed that we threw a cog in his bullshit and decide to end this stupid game. Before we can kill Celestia, we need to be ready to at least contain Discord.”

“Tartarus is going to be a long trip, I imagine,” she slowly said. “A lot can happen in a few short months… I wonder if Luna will attempt to avenge her sister.”

“I’m already working on getting Luna on my side,” I said. “She feels really betrayed by her sister in a lot of ways. For a good reason, too. I found out that she’s currently in Tartarus.” Cadance gasped. “She’s going to help me when I go there. I’m gonna try and help her change. She’s tired of being evil and being used. With luck, I can finally cut that umbilical cord between them.”

“Perhaps. Five thousand years is a long time.”

“Yeah. It’s a long time to suffer. And when you’re looking at another five thousand years on the horizon, do you want to keep living in agony and misery, or do you want to free yourself? Luna was given a bad hand in life. I’m offering her a better one, a chance where she thought she was chanceless.”

“...Hope is a powerful thing, Nav. Be wary of what you offer to Luna. If you fail to deliver and let her hope wither away, she might turn on you. If you offer her a place by your side if she helps you kill her sister, she won’t be happy to find that you intend to use her the same way.”

“Good,” I replied, making her eyebrows raise. “If I ever become anything like Celestia, I want to be killed anyway.”

“We’ll make sure that never happens,” Cadance said with a smile. “I’ll talk to Shining Armor in the morning. He might have suggestions for how to win Twilight over.”

“Then I’ll leave you to your dream, Cadance.”

She floated the baby away from her grasp so she could get up and hug me. It felt… a lot nicer than it should have, and I hugged her back. “Goodnight, Navi,” she finally said. I leaned back and kissed her on the cheek, then left.

She said she would handle Shiny, so I didn’t bother jumping into his dream. Instead, I looked around for Watcher and quickly found him. It looked like he might not have been in the Crystal Empire anymore. I jumped to his dream and quickly discovered it was red.

I jumped to Twilight a moment later, resolving to deal with Watcher in person. Thankfully, Twilight was already in the dream realm, so I didn’t even have to enter her dream. “So you finally found me,” she said.

“Sure did,” I replied. “I heard you ran into some trouble.”

“Princess Celestia locked me up,” she coldly replied. “She locked all the hosts up. Now that she let us out, she hasn’t told us anything and the water elementals don’t know much. What’s happening, Nav?”

I explained everything as best I could. I went over my talks with Pyrite, what I learned about Tintaglia, how I accidentally stopped Pyrite’s plans of conquest, and what Celestia was working on. I even mentioned that the information about Spike’s parents was wiped out.

When I finally finished, Twilight just looked at me in mute horror tinged with disgust. “What are we gonna do, Nav?” she finally asked.

“We’re gonna bide our time,” I replied. “We’re going to build allies, we’re going to watch the world, and we’re going to come up with a plan. Nothing’s changed, Twilight.”

“No, Nav,” she quietly said, shaking her head. “Everything has changed. I don’t think I can learn from Princess Celestia anymore. Not after what she’s done to both of us. For the first time in a very long time… I feel lost. I honestly don’t know what to do...”

“For now, we plan,” I said. “We need a way to stop Discord. The Elements of Harmony have done it once, but I don’t think that’s gonna be enough to do it again. We need a way to end this permanently. I am going to kill a god, Twilight. And you are going to help me.”

“I will be by your side the whole way,” she solemnly replied. “And my friends will be right there with me. We won’t let you down!”

“Good. Is Kat still in a coma?” She didn’t need to know how and why I already knew.

“No, she came out of it while we were in stasis. I was actually hoping to speak to her in her dreams tonight so I can get more of a grasp of what she went through and what she can do now.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“The key no longer works, Nav. Kat got its curse.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah. She wasn’t really able to describe what happened very well to me. I was hoping she could show me in a dream. I know it did something to her, but she didn’t have time to figure out just what exactly it did.”

I thought about her and felt my head turning. “Then shall we go ask?” I asked.

“Let’s,” she said with a happy little nod. We both stepped toward Kat’s black dream. “Have you ever looked into one of her dreams?” she quietly asked.

“No. I resolved to stay away from them as much as I could. Some things are better left unknown.”

She stepped forward and swept some of the smoke aside. “...It’s a maze,” she said, her voice sounding awed.

I walked up to it and took a peek inside. “Whoa. It’s… a-mazing!” She kicked me in the shin for that, but I stand by it. The maze in Kat’s mind was massive, and looked nearly never-ending. I could barely make Kat out in the center of it, mindlessly trudging along through dull passages. “Well, what do you think?”

“I always preferred crossword puzzles.”

“I always preferred doing nothing. Man, if this is what she goes through every night… That’s kinda haunting. What the hell is Cascade doing?”

“I don’t see her anywhere in there. How could she allow Kat to have dreams like this?”

Twilight’s eyes turned blue and she looked up from the dream. “Cascade no longer has access to Kat’s subconscious mind. Something is protecting it, keeping it hidden from her tendrils. I’m not so sure we will be able to directly access it through her dreams, either.”

“What the hell did she go through…?” I whispered, looking back down at her.

“There are no answers here,” Aqua said. “Shall we?”

I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of a reply, so I hopped in and landed behind Kat. Before I could say a word, she spun around and slashed me across the face with her claws. I hopped back and summoned my sword. Two daggers appeared in her hands. “Kat, it’s really me,” I said, carefully backing away. “You’re in a dream.”

She snarled and darted forward just in time for Twilight to appear. She grabbed Kat with magic and forced her struggling form against the wall of the maze. “Illusions and lies, tricks and deceit!” she hissed. “Even in my dreams, you haunt me! Was completing this maze once not enough?!”

I dropped my sword and walked in front of her. “It’s me, Kat.” I put my hands on her shoulders. “Look at me. You’ve never seen me like this.” At the moment, I was completely normal. No wings, male, brown hair. “I’m here to help you, Kat.”

Her eyes darted over my body a few times before she sagged and the daggers fell from her limp paws. Twilight let her go and she started to fall to the ground, but I grabbed her and held her up. “I need rest,” she whispered. “But even when I sleep, I find myself back here…”

I gently set her down against the wall and left just a single hand on her shoulder. “Kat, what happened? I need to know everything.”

She took a deep breath and slowly let it out before standing again. “We need to keep moving. We aren’t alone in this maze and getting found is… unwise.” She started stalking off further into the maze. Twilight and I followed.

“What else is here?” Twilight asked. “Where is here?”

“I’ve seen all manner of monsters,” Kat replied. “And illusions. And memories, both mine and those of others. This place is cursed. It drags its victims down and turns them into part of itself.”

“Start from the beginning,” I said. “You were breaking into the archives. You passed out. Then what?”

“Then I found myself here,” she replied. “Alone. Naked. Unarmed. This place is massive, Nav. Larger than any construction I’ve ever seen. And the walls are unscalable.”

“So what happened?” Twilight asked. “Did you just keep walking until you found the way out?”

“...It wasn’t as simple as that,” Kat quietly said, her head hanging low. “I ran into monsters and died, then appeared back in the maze. Over and over and over… I experienced more deaths than I could ever deliver, in variously horrific ways. Along with… other indignities. I spent several lifetimes in this maze, trying to find my way out. All of the walls are the same. No marks I left stayed when I died. I… lost count of how many times I attempted to escape before finally reaching the center.”

“What was there?” I asked.

“A key. The key. As soon as I touched it, I knew only blackness for some time. Then I woke up in a cell with Twilight and Sunshine Smiles. That was…” She looked back to Twilight, confusion in her eyes. “How long ago was that? Has it been weeks? Months?”

“It’s been less than a day, Kat,” Twilight slowly said. “Nav, we need to get her out of this place.”

“You’re right,” I said. “Kat, take my hand.” I held it up for her. She stared at it for a moment before her eyes met mine.

“I can’t touch you, Nav. There’s something wrong with my paws. Almost everything I touch… changes.”

I withdrew my hand as Twilight asked, “Changes how?”

“Boxes I touch either seal shut or blast open permanently. I touched a guard who was leading us out and his eyes became… vacant and he no longer said a word. I touched one of the doors of the palace and couldn’t close it behind me. There’s something very wrong with me, my lady. I… I don’t think I will be of use to you anymore…”

“We’ll figure this out, Kat,” I said. “We’ll figure it out together. I got cursed and I’m still going. You don’t have to let this ruin everything for you. We just gotta understand how it works.”

“...I’m afraid,” Kat said.

“Well, this is fucking horrifying,” I replied. “I understand why you’re afraid. Most of the reason you’re afraid is because you don’t understand what’s happening. Once we figure it out, you’ll see that it’s just one more thing. One more piece of bullshit.”

“And it might be a valuable tool,” Twilight said. “If there’s some pattern to what you can do, it’s possible you could learn to use your new… abilities.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I quickly said. “Kat is cursed, Twilight. If we can figure out how to use it to our advantage, that’s great. But first we have to figure out just what the curse is. Kat, hold still. We’re getting out of this maze.” She finally stopped walking and let me put my hands on her shoulders again. With a thought, I forced all three of us into a sunny pasture, a place I was very familiar with from a past life.

Kat gasped when the maze disappeared and took a few steps away from my hands to ensure she wouldn’t disappear again. When she stayed in place, the entire sky turned gold and she turned back to face us with a toothy grin. “Thank you, my lady.”

“Happy to help, as always,” I said. “Tomorrow, get some gloves and see if touching things through those still causes the effects. Then get with Twilight or Fleur and start experimenting. I’ll start helping as soon as I get back. I’m gonna need your skills soon, Kat. You can get through this.”

“...With your help, I know I can,” she said with a nod.

Twilight smirked. “It’s nice to see the two of you learning the true magic of friendship.”

“Thank you for showing me the way, Twilight,” I answered, doing my best not to sound sarcastic. She actually gaped. “Kat, we’re gonna let you get some rest. It sounds like you need it. I’ll check in on your dreams every few hours to make sure you’re still having good dreams.”

“Thank you, my lady. I won’t let you down.”

“I know,” I said with a smile. “Come on, Twilight.” I stepped out of the dream. Twilight was just a step behind me.

“I’m proud of you, Nav,” Twilight said when we were alone again.

“Neat. Do you want your luck back now, or should we wait until we can do it in person?”

“It’ll be more fun to get it back in person,” she said with a smirk. “From the sounds of things, you still need it a lot more than me, though I really hope I don’t get arrested again. I’ve already come up with a few ways to celebrate your return…”

“I can’t wait,” I dreamily sighed. “Though no offense to you, I’m looking forward to seeing Taya even more.”

“I understand. She’s nowhere near as cute as me, of course, but she has a filly’s charm.”

“Gonna have to disagree with you there, Twiley,” I said, booping her on the nose. “She’s much cuter than you are.” That made her pout. “But you’re sexier.”

“...And prettier?” she hopefully asked.

“She’s a teensy bit prettier, but you’re a lot more beautiful. I hope that’s enough.”

She smiled and nodded. “That’s plenty, thank you. Would you… perhaps care to return to my dream, Navi? You can keep my luck for now, but I wouldn’t mind kissing a few other parts of you…”

“After you,” I said with a wide smile.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Spending some quality time as Twilight’s sex toy helped me forget the horrors in store for me upon waking. My memory was refreshed as soon as I opened my eyes and beheld a massive grinning golden dragoness who was staring right at me. I couldn’t stop myself from flinching, but instead of trying to run like a normal person, I did my best to grin and say, “Good morning.”

“And a good night as well,” she said with a terrifying giggle. “Well, if the whimpers, moans, and wetting yourself were any indication…”

Oh right. That. “I… I had some… nice dreams,” I said, trying my hardest not to blush and failing pretty miserably.

“Dreaming about your handsome husband, hm?” she asked, almost sounding… coquettish.

“N-no, I’m not… I’m not in a relationship.”

She gasped and I immediately realized I fucked up. “WE HAVE TO FIND YOU A HUSBAND!”

Thankfully, I was saved by the sound of a clearing throat. “Have you already forgotten, my lady?” a giant female dragon asked. That stopped Tintaglia in her tracks and gave me time to finally look around. Unfortunately, it was just the three of us.

“Does she have to go so soon?” Tintaglia sighed.

“I’m afraid so, my lady,” the dragoness replied.

Holy shit, am I finally free? I started to sit up, but the giant gold lady placed her claw on my chest and pressed me right back down. “My precious little hatchling isn’t going anywhere without breakfast,” she said with a nod.

“Lord Pyrite was quite insistent…” the chick said, her ear spines quivering.

“I’m not hungry,” I quickly said, struggling against Tintaglia’s grasp.

“Regardless, you need to eat,” my… mother said, finally grabbing me and carrying me back over to the pile of gems. The other dragoness sighed and followed, though she did her best to stay at a distance. I just resigned myself to dealing with it, happy that I’d finally be free. She set me down in front of the pile and started poking over it. “How are you feeling this morning, sweetie?” she asked. “Do you want… Oh, what were they…” She looked over a few of them again before sighing and shaking her head. “Oooh, I just can’t remember their names anymore.” She looked at them for a few more moments before smiling and looking back at me. “Do you want red, blue, or green, honey?”

“...I wouldn’t mind a sapphire.”

She blinked before looking at the gems in her claws. She stared at them for a few seconds before looking at the other chick for a hint. That dragoness just stared back, obviously not interested. Finally, Tintaglia dropped all the gems in her claw and stared at the pile for a moment, mouthing the word ‘sapphire’ over and over.

Finally, she tenderly reached a claw out and grasped the largest sapphire I could see, a chunk about the size of one of my claws. She held it up to me with a smile. I slowly took it in my claws. “Thank you, mommy,” I said. That made her smile grow even more. The dragoness that was watching just snorted as I finally ate.

When I finished it, I sat up to finally try to go, but she pushed me back down. “What next, dear?” she asked, her eyes glittering.

Before I could reply, the other chick sighed and said, “Lord Pyrite really needs to see this… Ugh, his sister, my lady. Right. Now.”

“Well, he can just wait,” Tintaglia said, glaring at her. “You can either go tell him yourself or wait for one of the others to come back.”

“They did come back, my lady. Hours ago. One of them was pretty badly singed. He’s…” Her eyes moved around the cave for a moment before rolling and fixing back on Tintaglia. “He’s lonely and dearly misses his little sister. He would… Ugh, quite like to see her again.”

“Well… I can’t stand in the way of a big brother, even if he is my son…” She sighed and eyed me for a moment again before snagging another gem from the pile and staring at it. “I think this is… ruby?” She held it up for me. “For the walk to your brother, my lovely little daughter,” she said.

I took the ruby she offered with a grin. “Thank you, mommy. I’ll uh… come back to see you later.”

The other dragon chick snorted and muttered, “Don’t count on it.”

Thankfully, Tintaglia didn’t notice. She pulled me into a hug that I hastily returned, trying not to drop the ruby. I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted to be able to leave as soon as possible. She hugged me for five minutes. Finally, the other chick cleared her throat again, which made Tintaglia finally set me back down. “Next time you come visit, you should bring my grandhatchlings!”

“Momma, I… The next time you see me, I’m not gonna be a dragon. You know that, right?”

She waved a claw. “Oh, fire. Why would that matter? I’ll love you no matter who or what you are, dear! You saved my one and only son, so I made you my one and only daughter as repayment!” Her claws came together for a moment before she used one of them to pierce the palm of her other, drawing a small amount of blood. She placed the bleeding palm on my forehead. “You are now of my blood, daughter. I will love you for all of time.”

“I… I love you too, Tintaglia,” I cautiously lied. I knew the crazy old lady didn’t want to hurt me, but if she so much as touched my human body, she might break bones. I’d have to be extremely careful if Pyrite ever actually forced me to visit her and I’d have to take extra care with my daughters if they came as well.

She pulled her palm away and then tugged a loose scale out to hand to me. “To remember me by,” she said with a warm grin.

“I definitely won’t forget,” I said, taking it in the claw that didn’t have the ruby. I had no idea where I would keep it until I could dump it on the ship, but I’d manage. It would basically be a badge identifying myself as Tintaglia’s daughter if I ever needed it, though I was really hoping the need would never arise.

Still though, there’s nothing quite like having an ancient, twenty thousand year old massive dragon that loves you on your side. If I ever did decide to overthrow Celestia, I’d be keeping Tintaglia in my thoughts. Even if she couldn’t get out of her prison, she could send a lot of help my way.

Once I had that in claw, she gently picked me up and started slowly walking toward the entrance of her cavern. When we got there, she stared at me for a few long moments before pulling me in and kissing me on the cheek. She finally set me back down on my feet and patted me on my head.

The other dragon grabbed one of my arms and started dragging me away, but Tintaglia grabbed my tail before we could get far and said, “One more thing, while I’m thinking about it…”

The chick holding my arm sighed in disgust and let me go so I could turn to look at my ‘mother’. She was rummaging in a pile of treasure near her. It took her a moment to find what she was looking for. When she did, she pulled it out with a gasp. Once she moved it close enough, I realized it was a necklace with Rarity’s cutie mark on it. “This was part of Bahamut’s hoard. Since you helped heal my son, I believe you should get part of it. And as my daughter, I’m bequeathing this to you.”

“...Thank you, mommy,” I quietly replied, taking the element of generosity. She smiled ever so sweetly and ran a claw across my cheek, then finally pulled away. The other chick grabbed my arm and started dragging me back off again. I let her because I honestly wanted to get away as quickly as possible and never look back.

That said, I couldn’t stop myself. Before we were too far away, I finally did look back. Tintaglia’s crazy eyes were honed in on me, watching my every motion.

I had a feeling I would be getting a lot of letters from Pyrite asking me to come visit.

Once we were out of view of the cave, the chick finally dropped my claw and then smacked the ruby out of my claw. “I don’t know what you did to her, but you’re nothing. You’re nobody. She may call you kin, but you will never be a dragon. You will never be a sister.”

“I know. I never wanted any of this. I never asked her to adopt me and I never asked to be a prisoner here. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out so well for you guys, but I’m not to blame.”

She snorted a blast of steam. “So you say, outsider. But another outsider visited a few hours ago. An outsider that slapped Pyrite in the face. He told Pyrite to kill you and those watery freaks on the island to the south. Enjoy the warmth of Tintaglia’s love while it lasts. You’re on the way to the executioner.”

That stopped me in my tracks. “What?!”

“You heard me. A visitor more powerful than anything we’ve ever seen ordered Pyrite to kill you. He’s sent a dozen messengers to come get you. Tintaglia wouldn’t let them wake you up. I’ve heard he’s been considering ripping the mountain apart to get you himself. He’s going to tear you apart and we’re all going to watch. And then we’re going to burn Canterlot to the ground. It will be glorious! Now continue walking or you will be dragged.”

I did so, numbly. What she said… floored me. I barely took in the dark grins of all the female dragons around us as we walked further away from Tintaglia. At the time, I found myself wondering if I could make it back to her lair and if she could protect me. I also wondered if that kind of life would be worth living, because there’s no way anyone could teleport me back if I was still a dragon and rescuing me would be impossible. As we walked, I realized it wouldn’t matter. The instant I stopped moving or cried out, they’d surround me and either kill me themselves or drag me to Pyrite.

The only person I knew who was powerful enough to order Pyrite around and wanted me dead was Discord. What I couldn’t understand is why he would make Pyrite do it instead of just doing it himself. Maybe that’s how the sick bastard got his kicks. That just seemed like such a waste, though. He had been putting all of his pieces in order. What made him finally decide to end it?

That’s when I realized that I just decided to overthrow Celestia. I don’t know if it was possible for him to watch my dreams or not, but if so, he might want to prevent me from ruining any of his longer running plans. Still though, that wouldn’t mean he couldn’t just kill me himself. Something had to have changed, something I didn’t understand yet.

Something I would never have the chance to understand, given that I was about to die.

I found myself clutching the necklace Tintaglia gave me and thinking about Taya instead. It was nicer than thinking about… my impending demise. Though I couldn’t help but wonder how she would take said demise. I guess it would give her the willpower to fight on against Discord, not that it would do me much good. Any remnant of a soul or afterlife I might have had was going to be eternal suffering, so it didn’t mean much.

It wasn’t surprising that I missed the entire walk up to the lava pool. My mind was completely consumed and I didn’t even realize we were there until my escort forced me to stop. It was then that I noticed that we picked up several guards. They were all male dragons my size or larger and they were eyeing me with… hunger in their eyes.

That’s when I remembered that dragons occasionally raped people to death. I started shivering uncontrollably as one of them flew off to get Pyrite. He was sitting on his throne, smoke billowing from his mouth. When the guard finally got to him, he roared and leapt off his obsidian chair and into the lava, sending waves of boiling hot rock across the cavern. He started sprinting toward me, the thick magma barely impeding his movement. Once he was close enough, I realized he had three new scars on his face. One was still leaking blood.

He stopped directly in front of us, drenching us with magma. It felt like a burst of hot water. Then he grabbed me with his claw and wrenched me off the ground. “Who are you?” he hissed, his eyes narrowing. “What are you?!”

“I’m… I’m Navarone.”

His grip tightened and his eyes widened, though his pupils shrank to slits. “If you lie to me again, you will die choking on your own blood! What is your name?!”

“A-Anonymous!”

He dropped me and fell to his ass, sending waves of lava everywhere. “I don’t believe it…” he said. I picked myself off the ground and looked at him. His eyes were fixed on the ground, though they were unfocused. “I truly… How?”

“What’s going on?” I slowly asked.

His eyes honed back in on me. “I was visited by the demon, Anonymous. The demon. I didn’t realize it at first because I couldn’t believe he’d have the audacity to show himself now. But he did. And he told me to kill you. He offered me the world. The entire world, and all I had to do was kill you to get it. A demon powerful enough to do this to me,” he said, poking at one of his new wounds. “And all he asked is that I kill you and the elementals.”

“...If you’re taking votes, I’m gonna say you probably shouldn’t side with the guy who killed your father.”

He stared at me for several long, uncomfortable seconds before saying, “That demon can go back to Tartarus where he belongs.” He stood back up and stared down at me. “I want to know why that demon wanted you dead, human. Why is something so powerful that he can beat me, even now, afraid of you?”

“Strength won’t beat this guy, Pyrite. You can punch him or slash him or burn him all you want. Your rage just makes him stronger. He… It is the personification of conflict, a being of magic that grows stronger when there is fighting in the world. If you killed me and took revenge upon Celestia, you would fuel thousands of years of misery and conflict that would make him powerful enough to rule for ages. That isn’t the way to beat him.”

“...What is? I would do anything to defeat the demon that killed my father and drove my mother to her darkness.”

“Peace,” I replied. “Part of what I’ve been doing while traveling around the world is righting wrongs. Making the world a better place. He put Celestia in power after he beat the alicorns and she sealed him in stone. She’s started going downhill from stress and things are getting out of her control. He’s free and I’m trying to kill him. If you really want him to die, you should help me.”

“...You and Spike are free to go,” he quietly said. All the dragons around us gasped. He fixed one of them with a glare and said, “Go fetch the hatchling.” That guard groaned and left to do his bidding. Pyrite looked back at me. “I will promise you no aid, but I ask that you keep me informed. I will stay my hordes… for the moment.” He looked at another one of them and said, “Fly to the island on the south coast. Inform the… elementals that they are welcome in my home. For now.” His eyes found me again and he asked, “Will they need any sign from you that it is safe?”

“Tell the one named Brook that Anonymous is waiting for her,” I said. The dragon took off without another word, though I imagine he was bemoaning the fact that he was actually having to do work.

Pyrite swept his gaze over the rest of them and said, “This… person may not be a dragon, but she has helped me. She cured my mind. And she is the archenemy of the one who cast me down. If I find out that any of you intend to harm her or the ponies without my permission, you will die. Dismissed.” They walked away, muttering and occasionally looking back to glare at me. “All of the eggs have been returned, human. Every single one was accounted for and have been returned to their respective parents.”

“...Even Spike?” I asked.

He grabbed me again and started walking back to his throne. He wasn’t rough or anything, so I just rode it out until he was settled and he held me up. “Every egg was accounted for,” he said. “Every egg. Spike was not on the list and no parents are missing him. His egg was never reported missing, as far as I can tell.”

“So… What? Are you saying his egg just fucking appeared in Canterlot one day?”

He massaged his temple for a moment before very slowly saying, “He is Bahamut’s son, Navarone. Bahamut intended to sell him into slavery. That’s what started this whole mess to begin with! I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia hatched his egg on purpose so she could have Bahamut’s heir on her side, living proof of what he had done.”

Jesus Christ. “Have you told him yet?”

“No, I have not. If you choose to tell him, I advise you tell him to keep it to himself. Bahamut is not popular here and his son would not be well-received, even if the son was an unwanted accident sold into slavery. As it is, the old bastard still hasn’t woken up. Now that the demon has come to declare you his enemy, I’ll believe you when you say that he never will. I will leave it up to you to decide if you want to tell Spike or not.”

“You better fucking believe I’m gonna tell him. He’s wanted to know his whole life. The answer won’t be what he likes, but that doesn’t mean he won’t wanna know.”

“That is fair. Speak to me again before you depart, human. Until you are ready to leave, return to the caves. Spike should join you soon.”

I jumped off his claw, slowly flying back to the caves. My mind was racing and my body felt numb. Coming off the adrenaline high to end all adrenaline highs can do that, I suppose. Not to mention getting told that I’m apparently the archenemy of the thing that killed my entire race, of course. Oh, and finding out that one of my best friends was an unwanted child sold into slavery by a man I basically killed.

I hit the ground with a heavy thud and just sat down, staring into space until Spike got to me.

As soon as he saw me, he shot across the cave to hug me around the neck. It sounded like he was both laughing and crying. I couldn’t stop myself from hugging him back, holding him tightly. It felt very nice to touch someone who actually cared about me and wasn’t either horrifyingly insane or trying to hurt me.

For what might have been the first time ever, Spike let me go first and pushed me back. “What happened to you, Nav?” he softly asked. Sure enough, it looked like he had been crying. After a moment, I realized I had been as well. This has been a really, really bad trip.

“A whole lot of horrible bullshit,” I just as softly replied. “I’ll tell you about it when we get home. I know who your father is, Spike.”

His eyes lit up and he smiled. “Really?!”

I very gently picked him up and set him down on the ground. “Do you know how this whole mess started, Spike?” I asked.

“Who’s my dad, Nav?”

“Humor me, Spike. Please.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Celestia found out that Bahamut was selling his eggs. Luna caught him, Reginald confronted him, yada yada, the ponies got one dragon egg every ten years. Who’s my dad?!”

“...Bahamut was selling one egg, Spike. One.” He stared at me for a few very long and uncomfortable seconds.

He finally hung his head. “I wanna go home, Nav…”

I hugged him close. “Me too, Spike. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.”

“I’m… I’m sorry for dragging you into all of this. If I… If I hadn’t come, you could have done this quickly and already been back home… I put you in danger for… for nothing.”

I pushed him away and stared him dead in the eye. “I did this for you, Spike. And you aren’t nothing to me. Now you know where you came from. Now you know your past. It isn’t a good one. It isn’t nice. It isn’t pretty. But you know it. You’re better than that, Spike.”

His eyes fell and he said, “No, I’m not. All I did was drag you down on this trip, Nav. All I’ve ever done was slow you down. Maybe I should have just stayed in Canterlot with Celestia…”

I shook my head. “No, Spike. We didn’t go through all of this together so you could be Celestia’s pet dragon. I don’t want you to be her tool. I don’t want you to be Bahamut’s tool. I don’t want you to be Pyrite’s tool. I want you to be you, Spike. I did all of this so you could find yourself. This wasn’t for nothing. You aren’t nothing. You may have been unwanted, but you have a place now. You may have been sold into slavery once, but you’re worth more to me than any amount of money. You’ll be by my side as long as you want to be.”

He was silent for almost a minute before his eyes tenderly met mine again. “I… think I know what I want to be, Nav,” he said.

“Then tell me, so I can help you make it happen,” I said with a grin.

“I wanna be like you,” he said. With that, he leapt up and hugged me again.

It… stunned me and I honestly didn’t know what to say. After a few awkward seconds, I patted his back and said, “Then uh… I guess I’ll try to teach you.” That just made him start laughing.

That’s how the elementals found us, about two hours later. I was completely exhausted and wasn’t interested in moving and he had nowhere to be, so we were both just chilling in front of the lava lake. My mind was too exhausted to talk and he was too busy just thinking.

Neither of us really noticed the elementals were coming until all of them were just suddenly there. “You’ve been crying,” Flo said, her face slowly elongating to move closer to us.

“It’s been a long, painful trip,” I dully replied. “Please, rescue Char so we can just fucking go home.”

“Would you care to talk, first?” Brook asked. Her eyes flashed pink, so I think she was trying to be comforting.

“No, I just want to go home,” I said.

Brook sighed and Flo used a watery tendril to wipe my face. That done, the sisters all converged around the edge of the lava pool and combined their bodies.

“It will be nice to finally be free,” Char said in my mind. “I am grateful to you, Navarone. Or is it Anonymous?”

For some reason, my mind flashed back to the conversation Brook and I had a few nights ago. What Pyrite said only made me think even more. Finally, I came to some manner of conclusion, even if it wasn’t a conclusion that I liked. Anonymous may have been Discord’s archenemy, but that was ages ago. He was dead. I was… something else. Something different. And maybe the world needed a different approach, even if I wasn’t sure what it was yet.

It’s Navarone. And you’re welcome, Char.

“Hm. I will be vacating your body once I am released. I apologize for the intrusion.”

I thought fire elementals didn’t apologize.

“This one does,” he replied. “I was isolated on this island for a very long time before I was trapped in this mountain, Navarone. I am different from many fire elementals, not that you have many to compare me to at the moment. I am not afraid to admit mistakes, apologize, or show gratitude.”

I would have replied to that, but I heard a few giggles in my ear before someone sang, “Naaaa-aaavi!” Then I felt a small burst of wind caressing my ears, followed by more giggling. “You’ve been a busy little bee, haven’t you?” Aerie asked. “I heard you made a few lizards unhappy. You’ll have to tell me all the details!”

“I might, once we get back to Canterlot,” I replied. “At the moment, I’m too exhausted to think straight.”

“Hmm… Too exhausted to think straight, you say?” With that, I felt a few gentle brushes of wind… elsewhere on my body. “You never have to think straight when I’m around, silly! Not anymore…”

“I thought you were only interested in fire elementals. And Spike.” That made the little dragon huddling against me flinch, but he didn’t say anything.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind showing appreciation to the one who’s giving me two wonderful fire elementals to toy with. We have quite a long flight back, after all.”

“...I’ll think about it,” I cautiously replied. At the moment, I honestly wasn’t that interested in sex. I didn’t know if it was because I was too tired or if I had been a dragon for so long that my new hormones were finally in order. Either way, the thought didn’t really appeal to me.

“I shall await your permission,” she said, her voice tickling my ears and making me shiver. “Oooh, here he comes!”

Spike and I looked back to the group of water elementals, who had finally shot a large tendril of water into the magma, sending steam flying everywhere. As we watched, it quickly withdrew from the lake. Once it was out, I realized Char was clinging to it with one of his hands. The water elementals slowly lifted him out of the magma like a crane.

Where Blaze was tall and fairly thin, Char was short and bulky. He was slightly taller than Celestia and about as thick as the naga. His horns curved down and around his head. One of his claws was clutching a long whip of fire that dangled into the lava as the waters moved him over to land. His eyes stared me down until his two legs hit the ground. It looked like he was covered mostly in armor made of rock. Fire was flaring out of all the seams in the armor.

Once he was down, he released the water elementals and summoned another weapon, a brutal looking shotel. He cracked the whip against the ground and swung his sword twice before grinning and making them disappear. That done, he walked over to me and held out a hand. “You have my gratitude, Navarone,” he said.

I took that hand with my claw and found myself forced off the ground and into a hug. All the water elementals gasped and a few of them moved forward as though to assist, but thankfully they all realized I was a dragon and he wasn’t interested in hurting me. I felt a small flicker of heat in one of my ears as Char left my mind. Once he was out, he released the hug and backed away.

“So, shall we depart?” he asked with a smile.

“I need to talk to Pyrite first,” I said. “I don’t know what he wanted, but I can’t just blow him off.” His dick would be way too big for that. “The water elementals can ferry you to the top of the volcano and I should be able to fly you back to Equestria.”

“I’m looking forward to riding you,” he replied. That made Flo turn bright green.

Brook slid forward before Flo could say anything. “We can easily ferry you back, cousin,” she said. “In fact, we could likely ferry all three of you back. It’s not a long trip and you would be much lighter than a full boat.”

“I’ve been underground for too long,” I said. “I wanna stretch my wings.”

“And I’ve longed to fly for a while,” Char said. “It would be remiss of me to reject Nav’s offer.”

“...So be it,” Brook said, lowering her head for a moment. “Then we will ferry you to the top and begin traveling to Equestria. Navarone, when you are ready to talk, we will be at the bottom of Canterlot’s waterfall.”

“Then I’ll find you there,” I said. “Spike, go with them. I’ll meet you at the top.”

“Do I have to?” he groaned.

“Yes.” He sighed and I spread my wings. I had time to see a pink Mist scooting toward Char, a big grin on her face. He had already been warned about her, so I just took off and flew toward the middle of the magma lake. Pyrite watched me fly toward him with an unreadable expression on his face.

He held up a claw when I got close and I landed on it. “So you have rescued the one who held my mind hostage,” he rumbled.

“Yes, we did,” I replied.

“Peace will be an… interesting thing,” he said. “As is being alone in my head once more.”

“I know dragons crave battle and whatnot, but surely you guys get tired of it all. And if it means killing Discord, I’d say it’s worth it.”

“Perhaps. That demon is an ancient thing. A powerful thing. Having it on my side might be valuable.”

“...Chrysalis made the same choice, you know. He offered her everything she ever wanted, then delivered in the most horrifying way possible. She regrets her choice to this day, over six thousand years later.”

“Hmm. I’ve never been one to make deals with devils. Especially one who murdered my kin. Do you truly believe you can beat it?”

“I really hope so,” I said. “It’s been a long time coming, that’s for damn sure.”

“Then I will choose to believe in you. For now. Spike has been taught how to send and receive messages to and from any dragon or unicorn. If I have need of your knowledge or your presence, I will send a notice through him. I will try to avoid wasting your time, as long as you are using it to defeat that monster.”

“I don’t know how much more knowledge of mine you need, but okay.”

“Likely very little. Reginald is currently getting his cave in order for an extended absence. He will be returning here and filling me in on much of what I missed since the birth of Equestria. One of the things he told me is that you possess an airship. If I request your presence again, you may bring it, though your crew will stay on board until you leave.”

“...Are you only going to request me for your mother?”

“Our mother. Remember that, human. She has claimed you as her own. And likely. I might have a task or two that I need done outside of Iceland that a dragon cannot do. You would be rewarded handsomely if you choose to assist.”

Oh boy, more side quests. “Okay.”

He stared at me for several long seconds. I stared right back. He finally said, “You healed my mind and you helped rid me of an ancient enemy. You helped unite Iceland. You spit in the eye of the most powerful demon in existence, one who threatens all life. Thank you.”

That feels a little hollow, given that you spent a few days torturing me first. “It’s what I do, I suppose,” I replied.

“Then I am looking forward to hearing about more of your deeds. Return now to Equestria, human. I will call on you in time.”

I didn’t waste time replying and just took off, finally flying out of that smoky and disgusting volcano. The air gradually became more clear as I got closer to the surface until I crested the top and beheld a single pink water elemental, Char, and Spike. I landed next to the three of them.

“So who’s ready to go home?” I asked.

“I think I’m fine right here,” Mist said, reaching a tendril out to stroke Char’s side.

He eyed her for a moment before looking back to me. “Mist has been telling me about Canterlot,” he said. “I’m looking forward to seeing it.”

“And I really want to talk to my m—Celestia,” Spike said. “I’m ready when you are.”

“You can play with Char all you want in Canterlot,” I told Mist. “Now go on, shoo.”

She giggled and stroked his face, creating a small amount of steam, before taking off down the mountain. I slowly looked at Char. For some reason, he was grinning. “I do not share my brother’s distaste for water elementals either, Navarone,” he said. “They are very different, but they were created to be very different. It is through no fault of their own. They have some good points and some bad. I will choose to make my own judgments about the ones you have found.” Blaze snorted in my mind.

“Hey man, you do you,” I said with a shrug. “How’s Aerie taking it?”

“I already have one fire to play with,” she said. “I don’t mind sharing the other one with that wet hussy. Especially since I have the one she really wants already.”

Well alrighty then. “Whatever. Let’s go.” Char walked over and carefully sat on my back. He barely weighed me down at all, which might have had something to do with being made up mostly of fire. Spike and I took off and I quickly felt an extra blast of air under my wings, propelling us forward much faster than we could normally go. I had a feeling that with the extra speed boost Aerie was giving us, we could probably make it to Canterlot before night. I was really looking forward to being back in my own body again, even if it was disfigured.

The wind in my ears made talking impossible. Aerie caressed me in every way she could, but she kept it as nonsexual as possible for me. Spike was blushing up a storm for the first hour of flight, so I had a feeling she was caressing him in a few lewd places. I’d be willing to try things with her later, but only after I had some time to recuperate from that hellish place.

After several hours of flying, we finally hit the Equestrian coast with about two hours to sunset. The angle we were flying at put us right over a large coastal city. We flew over it and got to watch them try to scramble a flight of pegasus guards before we passed the city entirely. That made me wonder about Equestria’s combat readiness, but it didn’t really concern me.

About half an hour after we hit the coast, we found ourselves at Canterlot, where it was currently snowing. I thought about landing back on the mountainside and letting Twilight and Taya come to me again, but in the end, I decided a… flashier approach would be more fun. So instead of landing well outside the city to avoid freaking anyone out, I landed right in front of the palace with what looked like a large fire demon on my back. Spike touched down next to me, looking a little concerned.

Given that we almost immediately got surrounded by guards, I could understand that a little. “Hello, everyone,” I politely said. “Would someone be willing to send a message to Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia for me?”

“...Who’s asking?” the guard with the fanciest helmet asked.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to answer. Celestia herself came trotting out of the palace with a large smile on her face. “Welcome back, Spike,” she said. “Guards, there’s no need for alarm.”

Char finally slid off my back and I stretched my wings as the guards cautiously backed off. “I don’t even get a hello?” I asked with a small grin.

Celestia fixed me with a very cold stare. “Twilight will be notified of your arrival.” Her eyes became warm again as they moved back to Spike. “I would like to talk to you, my son. Please, come with me.”

Spike didn’t move. “I think I’ll wait for Twilight to turn Nav back, actually.”

That made Celestia’s eyes narrow very slightly. “After such a long journey, you’d prefer to stand out here in the snow?” she asked. “Come along and I’ll get some hot cocoa brewing.”

“I’m plenty warm,” Spike replied, crossing his arms.

Her teeth subtly clenched for a moment before she let out a small sigh. “Very well.” She trotted forward to hug him, at least. He didn’t hug her back. “It’s good to see you safe, Spike. Join me in the throne room when you are ready to speak.” After a few long and awkward seconds of him just standing there, she slowly let go. She eyed me for a moment before looking at Char. “Hello, Char. I am Princess Celestia. Welcome to Canterlot.”

He actually bowed, though it wasn’t a very deep one. “Greetings, Princess. I ask permission to stay here until Navarone returns to his journey.”

“You have it,” she said with a nod. “If you would care to join me, I can lead you to where Blaze is currently staying.”

He looked over at me. “Do you require my presence for anything, Navarone?” he asked.

“Not at the moment,” I said.

His gaze moved back to the big horse. “Very well, Princess.”

“Right this way, then,” she happily said before trotting off. Two of the guards joined her and the rest went back to their normal positions. Char followed her into the palace.

Once they were both inside, Spike let out a deep breath. “I don’t think she’s very happy right now,” he said.

“I’d wager you’re correct,” I replied. “Aerie, are you still here?”

“I am indeed, my lovely dragoness.”

“Would you mind finding Twilight and asking her to join us?” I asked.

“As you wish, though after that I shall join Blaze once more.” She floated away, singing softly. I sat on the tiled ground, doing my best to get comfortable.

“So now what?” Spike asked.

“Now I get turned back and go hug my daughter,” I said. “And you can go talk to your mother.”

“Um. W-without you?”

“Dude, I get the feeling she really doesn’t want to see me right now. And I also know she wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. That said, if you want to borrow my ring, you can. Just don’t wear it for any longer than necessary.”

He clacked his claws together a few times and his ears started twitching, but he didn’t say anything.

We didn’t have to wait too terribly long for Twilight to show up. That was good, because we attracted a lot of attention by landing in the city and a few private citizens were eyeing us from the safety of the gates with curiosity. Twilight trotted out of the palace with a smile on her face and walked right up to Spike to hug him. He hugged her back.

“Man, he’s getting all the hugs today,” I said with a sigh.

“You can wait your turn,” Twilight said, gently swatting my side with magic. Thankfully, my turn came right after that, though she could only hug one of my legs. I patted her back with the other one. Once that was done, she backed away and looked me up and down, then stared at what I still had clutched in one of my claws. “So you found the element of generosity,” she said.

“Yep. Bahamut had it, apparently. Discord also showed up, told Pyrite to kill me, and smacked him around when he refused.”

Her eyebrows lifted for a moment before her eyes turned blue. “You should have informed us of this,” Aqua said.

“The last time I gave you news that you didn’t like, you beat the shit out of me. Until you learn not to shoot the messenger, I ain’t gonna tell you shit in person.”

“Are you still mad about that?” she asked.

“Uh. Yeah?”

“Tch. Get over it.”

Before I could tell her to go fuck herself, her eyes went back to purple. That didn’t stop me, though. “Go fuck yourself, Aqua.”

“She told me to stick my tongue out at you,” Twilight said. “But I’m not gonna.”

“Good. I don’t reckon you could turn me back now, could you?”

Her horn lit up and two things appeared. One was a bag with clothes in it and the other was the alicorn amulet. “It’s a good thing I got this back last night,” she said, slipping it on. “Celestia confiscated it when she… Well, never mind. Are you ready?”

“Yep.”

Her eyes closed and her horn lit up. A burst of red light hit me. A few seconds went by and her eyes clenched shut tighter. Then she grimaced and lifted a hoof to her head. Finally, I heard something crack and looked down to see the tiles under her hooves breaking. What would have been my eyebrows lifted and she finally groaned and a huge burst of energy smacked me dead in the face.

It threw me back five meters and sent my human body rolling. I ended up on my naked stomach, smoking slightly. When I achingly looked up, Twilight was on the ground and Spike was kneeling next to her, concern on his face.

She blinked a few times before slowly getting to her feet and looking at me. When she did, her mouth dropped and she lifted a hoof to her face. That made Spike look up as well and he gasped. I looked down at my arms and my chest and saw nothing wrong. Then I looked back.

“...Twilight, why do I still have a FUCKING TAIL?!”

“I… I… I don’t…”

I finally pushed myself the rest of the way off the ground and got a better look at it. It was about a meter long, not terribly thick dragon tail sticking out of my lower back, right above my ass. One of my hands slowly caressed it, just to see if it was really there. Sure enough, I felt the smooth white scales under my fingers.

My eyes very slowly found Twilight’s eyes again. “Can you fix this?”

“I… I don’t know…”

Rage instantly burned into my mind, but I calmed myself quickly. I’ve spent enough time being angry. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Give me my clothes, Twilight,” I said as calmly as I could.

“Nav…”

I looked at Spike instead. He gulped and tossed me the bag of clothes. I opened it and started getting dressed. My shirt hiked up a little around the tail and my pants wouldn’t pull up all the way, but at least I was fully clothed. With that done, I spread my wings and took off toward the ship. Unfortunately, my feet were immediately grabbed by magic and Twilight floated me back down.

“Nav, I’m sorry!” Twilight said, running forward to hug me.

I slowly hugged her back, patting her mane softly. “It’s okay, Twilight. Try to fix it if you can,” I quietly replied. “If you can’t… It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” she whispered.

You’re right, it’s not. “It’s something I’ll come to accept. Take some time and rest. Do a little research. See what you can find.”

She took a deep breath before finally letting it out and releasing me. “Okay. Okay, I can do this.” She finally reached up to her neck and pulled the alicorn amulet off. “I’ll go back to my lab and start looking right away. Will you be on the ship?”

I took a moment to look back at my dangling tail. It was just barely hitting the ground. “Yeah.” My wings spread again and I looked back at her. “Homecoming’s a bitch.”

She weakly smiled. “So much for my luck, huh? I think you can keep it…”

“Maybe for now,” I said. “I’ll see you later, Twilight.”

She sighed and nodded. I finally took off again, flying up to the ship. My… my tail made flying weird and kept throwing me even more off balance, though it wasn’t enough to make me fall.

“You could try cutting it off,” Blaze finally said. “Though I imagine it would grow back in time. Especially if I was in you.”

I’m not allowed to have nice things. I figured you would have realized that by now.

“True.”

The ship was docked at the palace, so it wasn’t a very long flight. It was snowing and cold as fuck besides, so the deck was abandoned. I slipped below quickly and went straight to my room, where I found Taya wearing my largest shirt and cuddled up in my bed, reading.

She looked up at me with wide eyes before smiling and trying to jump out of bed. She failed and face planted because she was completely covered in blankets. I tossed Tintaglia’s large scale and the element of generosity aside so I could walk over and pick her up, then fall into bed with her. Her filly body was very soft and she smelled like blueberries for some reason, so I cuddled her as tightly as I could while laying on my side. I didn’t want her to see the tail just yet because it would make her stop hugging me for a while.

“I missed you,” I sighed into her head, before kissing her hair.

“I missed you too, mommy,” she replied. She couldn’t hug me back since she was trapped in the blankets, but she still tried to snuggle closer. “Did you have fun?”

“No. I do have some good news, though. You have a new grandmother.”

“Um. What?”

“It comes with some bad news, I’m afraid. She’s a twenty thousand year old completely batshit crazy dragon who’s trapped underground.”

“Um. What?”

I started telling her the majority of what happened, leaving out a few minor details here and there and all of what happened in dreams. She didn’t get to find out that Pyrite tortured me or that I murdered a dude and trapped his soul. But for the most part, she got the whole story.

By the time I had finished, she managed to twist and turn enough to get her legs out of the blankets so she could hug me back. “You always have so much fun without me,” she sighed, actually sounding disappointed.

“I almost died. Several times. And I almost got raped. A few times. And I got tortured. A bunch of times. How’s that fun?”

“As often as you talk about playing dress-up, I figured getting to be a dress-up doll would make up for the rest.”

“Taya, I am not above dressing you up like the prettiest little filly ever and taking you shopping.”

She fell silent for a few seconds before saying, “I’m glad you’re back, mommy…”

“I’m glad I’m back too. Although I do have a little bit more bad news, I’m afraid.” I swung my tail into view. “Twilight fucked up and left me with this.”

She gasped and placed her hooves on my body and pushed herself up to get a better look. “You have a tail!”

“Oh, is that what that is? I thought I just had a really big tape-worm sticking out my ass.”

“...Gross.” She hopped the rest of the way off the bed and gently batted it with a hoof. I let her toy with it for a few moments. “And you can control it like normal?”

“So far, yeah.”

“And you can feel everything?”

“Yep, though it’s pretty muted because of the scales.”

“Huh.” She stopped poking it and gently pulled on it with magic. “So what are you gonna do with it?”

“Twilight’s looking into ways to get rid of it now. If she can’t, I guess I’ll have one more thing making me a freakish abomination of nature.”

“Daddy, it hurts when you call yourself that. You know that, right?”

“Hurts who?” I asked, finally spinning over and accidentally smacking her in the face with the tail. It also hit the wall behind me before settling down against my legs.

“Me,” she quietly replied while rubbing her nose. “It hurts me to know you hate yourself so much. It… it hurts me to know you think you don’t belong, even now…”

Well I mean, I literally don’t belong, but… I sighed and reached out to pull her into me again. Unfortunately, she backed away from my grasping hands. “Taya, I have to cope with all of this somehow. That’s part of how I do it. I’m sorry I’m not happy about all the forced changes my body has been through.”

She slapped a hoof against the floor. “You don’t have to be happy! But just because you don’t like what’s happened doesn’t mean you don’t belong anyway. You’re a hero! A noble! You’re one of the most powerful people on the planet. And… And you’re my mommy. I could never love a freakish abomination of nature, but… I love you, mommy. And I’ll always love you, no matter what happens!”

I sighed and withdrew my arms. “I’ve hated myself and considered myself an outsider for so long that returning to the fold won’t be easy.”

“You do the impossible all the time. I believe in you!”

I slowly held my arms out again. She walked forward with a grin and hugged me. I leaned in to kiss her on the head, right behind her horn. “You mean everything to me, Taya,” I whispered. For some reason, that made her giggle. “I’ll learn to fit in for you.”

“Good!”

“Now why are you wearing my shirt?” I finally asked.

“...It was cold.”

“You have your own clothes.”

“Yeah but… They don’t smell like you!”

Great, now I’m going to have to clean her hair out of another shirt. I reached down to her back and started peeling it off. Once I did, I realized she was also wearing a pair of my panties for some reason, though they barely fit her. “And these?” I asked as she let me pull the shirt off.

That made her blush like crazy and she used magic to pull them down. “N-no reason!”

“Uh huh.” Note to self, wash those extra hard. “Well, if you’re still cold, come on up,” I said, scooting back and patting the bed next to me. She joined me with a smile, though the blush was still there. I threw the blanket over the two of us and cuddled her. “It’s good to be home,” I happily sighed.

She grunted softly in reply before hugging me back.

I woke up well before she did, of course. After carefully extricating myself from the bed, I grabbed a towel and went to take a much needed and very hot shower. That’s when I was unfortunately reminded that I had a tail. It stuck out of the shower at almost every angle I tried, but I managed to get clean without splashing too much water everywhere.

Once that was done, I got dried off as best I could and walked back to my room, though I had to leave my top uncovered because the tail was still in the way. That meant when I ran into Watcher in the halls, he got a good look at my chest, though he didn’t take a long look. “I was wondering if you’d survived,” he said with a grin. “Welcome back, Nav.”

“My body may have survived, but it did so with an unwanted addition,” I said, turning my body so he could get a look at my tail.

He let out a low whistle. “You’re just collecting all kinds of odds and ends, aren’t you?” He prodded the end of it with magic before shaking his head. “How’d this one happen?”

“Twilight’s spell to turn me back malfunctioned, I guess,” I said, straightening myself. “I don’t know why. It worked just fine before.”

One of his hooves moved up to his chin for a moment before he grunted. “Gems. I bet you had eaten several of them before changing back. If they were still in your system, they would have greatly affected any magic used on you. Especially if you ate any blood gems while you were there.”

God dammit, no wonder. “As far as I know, I didn’t. But I guess that might explain it. My life is designed to be suffering, so I just assumed there wasn’t a reason.”

“...All things told, that’s also a fair assumption. I assume Twilight’s looking for a solution?”

“Yep. Once she tells me there’s nothing she can do, I’ll start getting some clothes modified. It’s a good thing I hate dresses so much, because I don’t think I could wear any with this stupid tail.”

“Sure you could,” he said with a smirk. “But only really frumpy ones. I bet they’d hide the tail, too. Oooh, or you could let the tail ride the dress up and give everyone a nice view…”

“What happened to not being old enough to be lecherous?”

He shrugged. “I’m older than I was then, aren’t I? Maybe I’m a sudden-onset lecher.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Did you have any luck in the Crystal Empire?”

“Yes,” he replied with a nod. “I found a few books on demonology. I’m now working on collating all the information my teams have found into a few reports. I imagine we’re going to find more as the ship starts traveling.”

“Cool beans.”

“I also happened to find a few flowers that I believe Celestia will enjoy.” His horn lit up and they appeared next to him. They floated on over to me. “I imagine she’ll be eating breakfast shortly, if she isn’t already there.”

I eyed the bundle of wildflowers for a moment before taking them. “Thank you.” I may have been planning treason, but until I decided to go through with it, I needed Celestia to think nothing was wrong. “I reckon I might as well go pay that particular piper.”

“Good luck. If she rebuffs your advances, just remember, you can always… Well, I guess you really can’t do better than the princess, but there are definitely plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Not so sure I agree with that, but whatever. Do you know if Silver Quill has found any possible homes yet?”

He shook his head. “I haven’t had a chance to ask. The ship got back a few hours before you did and she never came back to it. I believe she’s currently at the hotel with Smiles. He apparently got her a good price on a room.”

“Then I’ll hunt her down later. Are you going to be around the ship today?”

“As far as I know, yes. I have a team at the mage tower right now and they’ll be bringing more information that I can add to our collection. Once that’s done, I’ll probably see about cashing in a few more of the invitations I’m getting for being your vassal.”

“‘Kay. I was just hoping you’d be able to go with me to check out any possible houses.”

“If I’m around, absolutely,” he said with a nod. “Especially if it means I get first dibs on room picks.”

“I’ll make sure you get one with a view of a pool,” I sarcastically replied. “That way you can watch all the mares go skinny dipping.”

“It’s good to serve under somebody who looks out for me. Just let me know when you’re ready.”

“You got it.” That seemed to be the end of what he had for me, so I finally made my way back to my room and got dressed in the nicest skirt and blouse combo I had that fit around the stupid tail. Another little tidbit I very unfortunately discovered is that panties didn’t want to stay up around the tail, so I had to go without any. That wasn’t currently a problem, but I knew it was something I’d have to get rectified in the future.

I grabbed the flowers, kissed my sleeping daughter on the forehead again, and went to go bother Celestia. The two guards at the entrance to the palace started to salute, but they stopped when they saw my tail and just stared at it. Since that’s about what I was expecting, I didn’t let it get to me and just kept walking.

The path to Celestia’s dining hall was a familiar one. My feet tread down it as my mind wandered. I wasn’t quite sure how my meeting with her was going to go and I really wasn’t looking forward to it. Unfortunately, it had to happen and the sooner the better.

When I got to the door, there were two guards in front of it and it was closed. I unconsciously smoothed my blouse for a moment before stepping forward and smiling. “Is the princess in?” I asked, trying to sound nice.

“She is, Lady—You have a tail!”

“Yes, I do.”

The other guard kneed the one who said that in the side and he cleared his throat. “Ahh… Uh, please, go in!”

“Thank you,” I said with a nod before letting myself in. Celestia was sitting in her typical spot, sipping on tea. She did not acknowledge me. I closed the door behind me and turned to her with a grin. “Morning, sunshine.”

She set the tea down and looked at me for a moment before going back to eating. I walked over to the table and set the flowers down next to her, then joined her in sitting. A bit of magic grabbed a single one of the flowers and she floated it over to her nose. Once she had its scent, she ate the damn thing. “Good morning,” she evenly replied.

“So—”

“How’s the tail treating you?” she asked.

“It’s super annoying,” I said, adjusting myself on the seat. Thankfully, it had an open back, so my tail just slid right through. Arm chairs would probably be ruined forever now, though. “Half my clothes don’t fit and I accidentally smacked Taya in the face with it.” A very tiny smirk came over her face, which pissed me off and made me reconsider getting back in her good graces. “I don’t reckon there’s anything you could do about it, is there?”

“I’m afraid not,” she immediately replied before going back to eating. She ignored the rest of the flowers.

“So—”

“I spoke to Spike last night.”

“So—”

“We had quite an interesting conversation, too. You were mentioned once or twice.”

“...So—”

“It seems that my son has quite an interest in you, Nav.”

“Celestia, you can either talk with me or talk at the air. If all you want to do is be a child, I’ll leave.”

“...There are not many who would dare to speak to me in such a manner.”

“I’ve been in the minority for a while. So do you wanna skip all the petty little bullshit and jump straight to the angry sex or should I go?”

“Communication is a very vital part of every relationship, Navarone. It is not ‘petty little bullshit’.”

“Oh, does that mean you’re going to let me talk instead of cutting me off every time I try to say something?” She stared at me in silence for a few seconds before going back to eating, though it looked like she picked up a hint of a blush. “I came here to apologize for being rude. I want you to understand that I’m not apologizing for what I actually said, just how I said it.”

“Hm. But you’re not going to apologize for talking to my sister behind my back, almost starting a war, and turning my son against me?”

“No, I wasn’t planning on it.”

“I see.” She went back to eating. She either obviously wasn’t expecting company or snubbed me on purpose, because there weren’t any other plates set up and there was only enough food for her fat ass.

After a few minutes of mostly silence, she daintily dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. “You understand that I am in a very unpleasant position right now, Navarone.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

“And you realize that it is because of you that I am in said position.”

“You put yourself in that position, Celestia. You knew I was going to Iceland with Reginald. You chose not to tell me anything. I was almost killed, almost raped, and repeatedly tortured because you didn’t tell me anything. How hard would it have been to tell me the truth? I could have avoided dealing with Reginald and I could have avoided even speaking to Bahamut. Hell, how are you even in a bad position because of this? The only one here that suffered at all is me!”

“I lost my leverage over the dragons! I lost my son’s trust! Pyrite could attack me at any moment now and there’s nothing I could do to defend Equestria. You turned an entire nation into a hostage!”

“Again, due to lack of information. If you had given me the full story as soon as you knew I was going to Iceland, I wouldn’t have invited Spike, I wouldn’t have invited Reginald, and none of this ever would have happened. But life isn’t so easy when you can’t push the blame for your failures on someone else, is it?” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “It doesn’t matter too much anyway, since Pyrite said he’ll cool it until Discord is dealt with. I’ll admit that I went above and beyond what you were expecting of me, but that’s because I wanted my ignorance corrected. Since everything I learned was something you knew, you could have avoided all the problems we ran into.”

“Have you ever considered that I didn’t want anypony to know any of this, Nav? That’s why I had the records expunged!”

“So you don’t trust me.”

She leaned back in her seat and placed a hoof on the table. After a few seconds of thought, she quietly said, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Nav. I just… I don’t want you to think ill of me. What happened with the dragons was not a pretty situation and I came out of it looking… worse than I would have liked.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is evil.” Her eyes flashed and she started to say something, but I continued, “You were holding unborn babies hostage, Celestia. You can say it was for a good cause all you want. They were still unborn children, complete innocents.”

“...I took the only option I had. If you can’t accept that, so be it.”

I shook my head. “I understand why you did it, Celestia. But if you had told me what you did instead of letting me find out on my own, it wouldn’t have seemed like you were hiding it. After everything we’ve been through, after everything I’ve done for you, it feels like you still don’t trust me. And I’m suffering because of it. Hell, the world is suffering because of it. Can’t you see that’s a problem? I respect honesty. Telling me what to expect would have made everything go much more smoothly.”

She sighed and hung her head. “Honesty is not a virtue I’ve had the luxury of having, in recent years. I’ve spent a thousand years alone, Nav. Even now, after Luna has been back in my life for years, I’m struggling to adjust. If I had taken time to tell her everything I should have told her, I believe much of what happened could have been avoided. And yes, if I had taken time to tell you what the situation was with the dragons, what happened there might have been avoided as well.”

“I got nothing but time before the Tartarus trip,” I replied. “I’m not planning on going until all my affairs are in order here. Will you tell me what I need to know before I go?”

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “The problem is that I don’t know everything there is to know. Some of the demons were there before I came into power and some of the demons were put there by other races. That said, I can summon several for you and let you interview them, but it will take time for me to make preparations. I’ll also need to call back a few of the inquisitors.”

“There’s more than one?”

“Oh, yes. There’s an entire order of them. The one you met was one of the higher ranking members of said order. Most ponies never even know they exist. Getting more than one together in one place will definitely take time.”

“That’ll be something to look forward to, then.” Especially if they all look as weird as the last one. “I’m also having Watcher dredge up whatever information he can find as the ship travels around trading. He’s in the process of collating it all now.”

“Hm. It will be interesting to see what I missed. My purges were very thorough, but destroying information is difficult. All it takes is a scrap to make ponies start asking questions. I’ve done my best to silence any such questions, but it can be difficult to do so in such a way that doesn’t raise even more questions.” She sighed and shook her head. “It can be so difficult to do what’s best for some ponies when you can’t even explain why what you do is for the best…”

God damn, you are such an evil bitch! “Yeah, I bet. So, we cool now?”

Her eyes moved to the flowers and she floated another one over to eat it. “I am still not happy about your conversation with my sister. Or about what you told Spike.”

“Oh.”

“...That said, I believe I will learn to forgive in time. Luna is likely unsalvageable anyway and Spike will return to me eventually. You may have filled his head with the dirty and damning truth, but love will guide his path back to me.”

I hope you aren’t holding your breath, you heartless monster. “Cool beans.” I stood back up and smoothed my skirt, not that it did any good since the thing was ruffled. “Then I’ll leave you to ruling.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Leaving so soon?”

“Yeah. See you later.” I turned to go and started walking to the door.

“Not even going to give me a kiss?” she sweetly asked.

“You didn’t seem interested,” I replied as I turned the handle. She didn’t say anything else as I let myself out and closed the door behind me.

Once I was free from her, I let out a small breath before starting the walk to Twilight’s room. Things went better with Celestia than I was expecting, but not as good as I was hoping. I still had a long way to go before I decided for sure that she needed to die, but the conversation we just had didn’t make me hopeful.

The walk to Twilight’s room was calm and peaceful. There weren’t too many servants out and about, though all the ones I passed stared at my new tail. Thankfully, none of them bothered me about it. When I got to her door, I took off one of my shoes and smacked it against the stone door so I wouldn’t hurt my hand.

A minute went by without an answer. I got tired of waiting and tried the handle. It was unlocked, so I let myself in, hoping to catch her doing something naughty. Instead, I caught her passed out in a pile of books. She was drooling all over one of them and cuddling up to another one.

She didn’t notice me walk in, so I went to her bathroom and got a towel, then walked back to her and gently prodded her with one of my feet until she flinched and woke up. Her eyes jerked around the room before settling on me. I handed her the towel. “What… Oh!” She grabbed it with a hoof and wiped the drool off with a blush. “Good… good morning, Nav.”

“It’ll be a better one once you cut this tail off,” I replied. “So lay it on me. How are you gonna fix it?”

Her ears drooped down and I felt my stomach curl. “I… I couldn’t find anything…”

“Oh. Did you ever talk to Kat?”

“Nav, I… I’m so sorry! I had no idea this would happen!”

“Yeah, I know. It wasn’t your fault, Twilight. It’s just another bit of proof that my life was designed to be suffering. No biggie. So—”

She hopped off the ground and hugged me. “Don’t say that, Nav,” she whispered. “Not unless you think your time with me is suffering, too.”

“Twilight, you’re too soft, cute, and cuddly to cause suffering,” I replied, hugging her back. “And that thing you do with your horn is amazing. But—”

“No buts, missy!” she quickly said. “You have an amazing life surrounded by awesome friends and beautiful lovers and a wonderful daughter. You have a few setbacks here and there, but nothing you can’t get around with plenty of support. So don’t you dare tell me that your life is suffering or that you hate everything, because I’ll follow you around listing all the great stuff until you admit you’re wrong!”

“Oh, so you’re going to annoy me into submission.”

“Yes. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me. So don’t push me, missy.”

“Fine. But only because you’re absolutely adorable.” I finally let the hug go, but she didn’t reciprocate. “So what about Kat?”

That made her let go, finally. “I believe we figured out what exactly her curse is,” she said. “Her left paw seems to permanently open and unlock everything it touches while her right paw seems to permanently close and lock everything it touches. Gloves seem to stop the effects.”

“What about the guard she touched?” I asked.

“I haven’t been able to find him and she’s not in a hurry to touch anyone else. I assume, given what you were able to do with it, it will make whoever she touches either truthfully answer every question you ask or never talk again. Since guards typically don’t talk when they’re on duty, finding him won’t be easy. At the moment, there doesn’t seem to be any way to reverse the effects anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.”

“Then she’s going to have to be extremely careful from now on and wear gloves at almost all times.”

“She already knows. And uh… She isn’t happy about it, either.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. Is she still staying with Fleur?”

She nodded. “For the moment. She wanted to return to the palace as soon as she realized the extent of the issue, but Fleur talked her into staying. She’s been a big help so far.”

“That’s going to continue, with luck. I’ll go and see them today. Until I get a house here, I’m going to have my people spread around the city.”

Her eyebrows lifted. “I didn’t know you were planning on buying a house in Canterlot.”

“I decided to do it right before I left. I asked Silver to check out the housing market while I was gone. I’m hoping she’ll have found something to fit my specifications.”

“Which are what, exactly?”

“It’ll need enough room to hold my guards, my crew, my vassals, and all the other random people on the crew. It’ll also need a skydock and possibly some kind of warehouse to store trade goods. Everything else is optional.”

She quietly whistled. “That’s gonna be a tall order, Nav. There are houses like that out there, but there aren’t many and they aren’t cheap. I know you’re… well-to-do, but are you sure a house in Canterlot would be worth it when you already have a fortress in Ponyville? Sure, it doesn’t have a skydock or a warehouse, but you could have them built. It would also be a lot closer to the Everfree.”

I reached out and ruffled her mane, because I knew she would make an adorable face when I did it. Sure enough, her nose scrunched up and she backed away and shook her head to straighten it. “Silly Twilight. I’m a noble now. I can’t just avoid Canterlot all the time. If I ever want to do anything with the Everfree, I’ll need supporters here. Hiding away in my fortress will make that difficult. I need to be seen here and make allies here, even if the idea is distasteful.”

“Well… You’re not wrong. I’m just… surprised that you’re so willing.”

If I ever have to kill Celestia, I want the nobles to back me willingly, not because I have the army at my back. “I asked Watcher and Gourd to hold me accountable. I also asked Fleur for ways to improve my reputation. In the end, I decided this would be one of the better options. It’s also closer to a lot of sources of knowledge I’m going to need in the coming days. This way, I can send people all across the city to get whatever I need and they’ll all be able to come back to one central location. It won’t be cheap, but the money’s been burning a hole in my pocket for a while now. You should know by now how lucrative writing books can be.”

She rubbed the back of her neck with one of her hooves. “Yeah… I don’t think any of your books hit the bestseller list, though…”

“Yeah, mine weren’t… Wait, are you telling me that your books did?”

Her eyebrows lifted. “You didn’t know? It took them a few weeks to catch on, but when they did, they spread like wildfire. Miss Shady Grey and her lovely assistant Snow White are incredibly popular right now.”

“...You named me Snow White?”

“Nav, I gave you signed copies of all the books. Are you telling me you haven’t read a single one?”

“I’ve uh… been busy.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Look, I didn’t want to read sex books about myself. I do have the books, it’s just… Well, I thought reading them would be awkward.” That made her roll her eyes. “How many more do you plan to write?”

“I dunno. There are a few festivals coming up that I would love to go to with you. I imagine we could find enough material in one of them to write an entire book. Especially if we actually went to Maredi Grass in New Horseleans.”

“Ugh, those two puns are just painful.” Unsurprisingly, she rolled her eyes again. “I’m down for whatever, Twilight. I’m going to make sure all of my affairs are in order before the trip to Tartarus. I would love some time to relax. I’ve never been to a real Mardi Gras—”

“Maredi Grass.”

“I’ve never been to a real Mardi Gras festival before. I’ve also never been to New Orleans, so—”

“New Horseleans.”

“I’ve also never been to New Orleans, so I’m down. When is it?”

“Some time next month,” she replied. “We missed Hearth’s Warming Eve, I’m afraid. You were in Iceland for New Years.”

“Man, time flies when you’re saving the world…” Shows how much attention I pay to my surroundings, at least. The city had been covered in decorations, but I just flew or walked right past them. “Whatever. Let me know when the festival is and I’ll absolutely make time for it.”

She grinned and nodded. “There’s also an event happening up in Gryphus in about two weeks. I’m not sure what they’re celebrating, but that would be a very interesting opportunity as well.”

“Well, just let me know if you decide to go. After that hellish trip to Iceland, I’m down for any way to relax. I need to speak to Princess Gilda anyway. It’s about time I find out just what exactly is in that old human bunker in Colorado.”

Her ears shot straight up. “Say what now?” she slowly asked.

“When I went back in time, I ended up in a bunker in the mountains around the middle of this continent. That bunker is where I met myself, the original Anonymous. He’s the guy who created all the other races. That bunker still exists, but it’s guarded by a ton of people. That’s where the dream machine came from. I want to know what else is there. I’ve put the trip off because there were more pressing matters, but if there are any weapons or tech I could use there, I want to know about it before I go to Tartarus.”

“...I’m going with you.”

“Good. I was planning on waiting until later, but if I’m going to be in Gryphus anyway, I might as well do it now.”

“Why? What’s in Gryphus?”

“I did a favor for Princess Gilda a while back. In return, I asked her to assemble me a strike team capable of getting into that bunker. She’s had more than enough time to get it ready. I’m going to take her people and my people and try to break into it.”

“...I’ll do some digging. I remember reading something somewhere about something similar, but it’s been so long and it’s one of those things I assumed was a legend. I can’t imagine Celestia would have hidden any knowledge about that, so I might be able to find something.”

“I advise checking out the library in the Crystal Empire. Celestia didn’t get to it before Cadance and Shiny were able to lock it down. They got it properly organized and there are huge research projects happening there right now. They’ve invited scholars from all over the world to check it out.”

“I imagine Princess Celestia is not happy about that.”

“She’s not happy about a lot of things right now.” That made her sigh. “Anyway, does Kat still have my ring?”

“Yes. Please be careful with that thing, Nav. I know you’re afraid of magic, but after the last two curses… I don’t think you should wear it again.”

“I’m not planning on it,” I replied. “I’m going to lock it in my chest and hope I never need to put it on again.”

She sighed in relief. “Good. That does leave you defenseless against magic again, though…”

“Which gives me a really good reason to spend more time with my daughter. Being defenseless against magic means a lot less when you have an adorable little filly with a penchant for blowing things up at your side. Not to mention guards in general. At this point, my reputation is so dark with blood that I doubt anyone would dare attack me.”

“Here’s hoping we don’t have to deal with another Pertz…”

“He was a special case. I imagine you and Taya could have wrecked his shit if he wasn’t in the middle of a massive anti-magic field.”

“Perhaps. Anyway, what’s your schedule looking like today, Nav?”

“I need to make sure Char’s settling in, then I need to find Silver Quill and see what she has for me, and then I need to find Kat and make sure she’s alright.”

“Oh… I was hoping you’d have time to help me write.”

I reached down and booped her on the nose. “That’s something I’ll always be happy to make time for. So when and where, Miss Shady Grey?”

She shivered with delight. “Here and now,” she sultrily replied. Her horn lit up and I felt something caress my lower lips. “My oh my, no panties? You naughty filly. How will I ever punish you?”

“I’m sure I can beg for a few ways,” I replied with a dirty grin.

Her magic lifted me up and she pulled me in for a kiss. “Ah… It’s good to have my luck back,” she sighed. With that, she started trotting to her bedroom, with me floating behind her.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Nine—Stormview Estate

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Nine—Stormview Estate

After a few rigorous experiments, we discovered that my tail had the same sensitive points as that of a dragon’s. Namely, pressing down right at the top of the base of the tail instantly made me wet.

As I limped down the path Blaze was giving me, I couldn’t help but think to myself, You know, life isn’t always all that bad. It was a weird thought to have and I kinda wondered where it was coming from, but I couldn’t make it go away. I guess a pessimist’s mind can’t really deal with optimism that well.

Once I got two halls away from where Blaze was being kept, I started seeing a lot fewer carpets and paintings. Decorations became even more sparse as I went until finally I was walking down a smooth and barren marble hallway. The door to his room was pure metal. Thankfully, it was already open so I didn’t have to knock.

When I walked in, I found myself looking at one bored looking Blaze, one interested looking Char, and one very disturbed looking frumpy old librarian who appeared to be very relieved to see me.

“Greetings, Navarone,” Char said with a nod. “I have been acquainting myself with this new world. The ponies are very forthcoming, though it’s hard to explain to them why I cannot read.”

“...You mean because you’re literally made of fire?” I mused, looking at the librarian for a short moment.

“Indeed. Blaze has told me of humans. What do you intend for us after Discord is dead, Navarone? As our technical creator, I imagine you have some ideas for how we can serve you.”

“Are you offering to serve me?” I slowly asked.

“Only if your goals align with my own,” he replied with a shrug. “I am a very latecomer to this alliance. I do not know what the waters intend yet. Blaze doesn’t have a plan. I’m trying to gather more information before I decide. But you will be a major player in the world, should we successfully defeat Discord. What do you plan for us?”

I looked at the librarian and said, “I think you could use a break. Go get some tea and come back in a few minutes.”

Her gaze alternated between me and Char for a few moments before she hastily nodded. “As you wish, my lady.” With that, she quickly beat feet, leaving the three (or four, if Aerie was there) of us to ourselves.

“If everything goes well, I want to use the mages at the unicorn tower to bring humans forward in time.” He started stroking at his chin and a few hints of flame picked up, making it look almost like he was stroking a beard. “I’ve been back in time before and the people who sent me there told me it would be possible to open a portal between the two. If they can make it work and if I think the world can handle it, I’ll save us from extinction. I’d like you guys to help humanity rebuild and recover however they need it. I know I have no authority to order you to do it and I wouldn’t think to try it, but I feel like working together with humanity would be a good way for you guys to impact the world.”

“I see.” He stopped stroking his face and said, “Thank you for your candor, Navarone. I’ve seen what you can do and I don’t want you against me. I’ll strongly consider aligning with the humans if you ever make that happen. I can already tell I have no place in this land as it is now. I would kill Celestia in a heartbeat if I was forced to live here. That horse is nothing but a filthy lie. A very charming and pleasant filthy lie. I have a feeling she plans to deal with all of us after Discord is handled. She’s powerful enough that she might succeed. Aligning with you would make that unnecessary.”

“...I have a vision for the future of this world,” I slowly replied. “I haven’t decided if Celestia is in it yet. I might have to work around her to kill Discord.”

“That woman is a monster,” Blaze flippantly replied. “Even the waters talk about how evil she is, and you know how bad they are. I have a feeling Brook is planning on talking to you about replacing Celestia with you.” He snorted, sending a few flames flying. “Especially after her last talk with you. That water spun you a pretty little tale, human, and you lapped up every word. I might support you against Celestia. But if I thought Brook was using you as a proxy, I’d back Celestia in an instant.”

I lifted a hand to the bridge of my nose for a moment to try to hide my annoyance. “Blaze, I’m not against any elemental,” I finally said, lowering my hand again. “Water, fire, air, or earth. I will not support the waters if they ever suggest hurting you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t take their support if it’s offered. I value their opinions. I also respect their abilities. I don’t want anything bad to happen to any elemental and I’ll do my best to make sure nothing bad does happen to any of them.” Char started to speak, but I cut him off with, “Except Aqua, because absolutely fuck that bitch. I would kill her if I thought I could get away with it.” I nodded at Char to show I was done.

“Given what you told me about bringing humans forward, I didn’t think you intended to harm us,” he said. “My brother is rightfully paranoid about the water elementals. I share a few of his reservations, but I am going to try to mend fences as I can and make them realize we are all on the same team.”

“When this is over, I am going to kill Mist or die trying,” Blaze said with a nod. “End of story. I will go through as many of her sisters as I have to, but I will kill her. Warn her if you desire. It won’t stop me.”

Char rolled his eyes. “That’s what I’m talking about when I say I’ll try to mend fences. I’m not holding my metaphorical breath.” Blaze snorted again.

I knew nothing I said to Blaze would change anything, so I didn’t bother trying. “Anyway, I think you know why I’m here,” I said, looking at him.

Blaze held up one of his arms. I walked over and grasped it. His essence left me and I suddenly felt very cold in my skimpy outfit. “I want you to think very carefully, Navarone,” he said, still holding onto my hand. “Think about who you really are. From what I have seen and from what others have said, Flo might have tinkered with your brain. It’s very possible that my brother and I are the only means by which you can restore yourself. I understand that you are reluctant to trust us. But those things are poison, Navarone. Insidious and delicious poison that makes you smile as it kills you. Brook told you her way was the only way to kill Discord. Walking that path will kill you just as sure as failing against him, it’ll just leave your corpse around walking.”

“...I know,” I softly replied. “I have a very hard decision to make.”

“What is killing Discord really worth to you?” he asked. “Is it worth sacrificing yourself? I could possibly come to respect that decision. If it works, I will respect you even more. Not that it would mean much, since you would be dead.”

“He killed my entire race,” I said. “And he hurt my daughter. I want him dead. I don’t know how to do it yet. If I decide that the water elemental way is the right way, will you still support us?”

“...I will never be friends with them. But I want Discord dead just as much as you do. I know the fire elemental way will not work. I know the air elemental way will not work. I detest the water elemental way and can’t help but question if such a victory would be worth it. I am quite eager to see what the earth elemental has to say. But if he doesn’t have a plan… Then yes, Navarone. I will support you if you decide to let the water elementals kill you. Though I very dearly hope it will never happen.”

“You and me both,” I sighed. With that, he finally released my hand. I instantly felt even colder.

“What are your immediate plans?” Char asked, looking at me.

“I’m going to relax indefinitely,” I replied. “The next leg of my journey is Tartarus and I want more information before I do anything. I also want all of my affairs in order before I leave, in case I never come back. And of course, I need some time off after the horror shows I’ve been through.”

“Ah. Stress is a very big thing for mortals. I understand that you need to take time away from the world. I am going to learn as much as I can in our time of peace. Where would you recommend that I begin?”

“Twilight Sparkle,” I immediately replied. “If she can’t answer your questions, she’ll know where to go to find answers. Unfortunately, Celestia’s censored a lot of history, so you won’t find anything useful unless you go out of Equestria.”

“I see. I will continue picking the brain of the librarian and then go seek out this Twilight Sparkle. I must know the ways of this world if I seek to be a part of it.”

“If there’s any way I can help you, let me know,” I said. “Just remember that I’m also a pretty big outsider here. I’ve read a lot of books, but I didn’t get much out of them.”

“And if I can assist you, do not hesitate to ask,” Char said, bowing his head.

“Of course. That said, and no offense, but I really hope I don’t need it.”

“Understandable. Thank you for being open and honest with me, Navarone. If I ever decide that our interests do not align, I trust you will take nothing that happens personally.”

I shrugged. “You guys are your own people. It took me a little while to realize that you may technically be machines, but you’re machines that might as well really be alive. I understand that what you want for yourself and the world might not be what I want for you and the world. If that’s the case, I’ll be happy to part ways amicably.”

“Well, you’ve given my brother and I quite a lot to discuss,” he said. “I will keep what you had to say silent, if that is your desire.”

“It is,” I replied. “There are some parties that would be very interested in my plans for the future.” And I really hope said parties aren’t eavesdropping on me right now. “I want those parties kept out until it’s time to let them in.”

“Then I shall hold my tongue,” he said. “Farewell for now, human.”

“See you when I see you, fam,” I said with a nod. I let myself out and started walking back to the ship. Once I was alone and a few halls away, I stopped and pressed a hand against the wall to collect myself. No elementals in my head. Finally all alone up there. Man, what the fuck now?

After taking a few moments to myself, I got my shit together and continued walking. I still had a lot to do and I couldn’t waste the entire day on soul searching.

Since I was in an unfamiliar part of the castle, I got lost once or twice on the way back. Eventually, I found a door to a terrace I had never been on and just flew to my ship from there. It may have been considered bad form or crass or whatever, but I’m impatient and fuck da police.

When I got there, I found Spike sitting on the side of the deck, right up against the rails. His legs were kicked out and dangling over the side and he was just staring at the city. I really wanted to talk to him, but I was freezing my ass (and vagina and nipples) off, so I landed right next to the door and let myself in before he realized I was even back. Thankfully, the inside of the ship was a lot warmer.

Once I got to my room, I found that Taya was awake, but still sprawled out on my bed. “Good morning, mommy,” she said with a yawn. “Where have you been?”

“In the palace. I needed to talk to some people.” She finally sat up. “I’m glad you’re awake. I needed to talk to you, too.” Her ears flopped straight down. “...Why did your ears just flop?”

That made them jerk right back up. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Taya, I literally just watched your ears flop. That only happens when ponies are freaked out. Are you that afraid of talking to me?”

She flinched and her ears started twitching like crazy. “N-no,” she said, her eyes looking away. “It just made me… nervous.”

“Why?” She grunted unintelligibly. “That wasn’t an answer, Taya.”

“I… I dunno…”

I stared down at her. She was still looking away and her ears were still twitching. She very much did know, she just didn’t want to tell me. “I love you. Tell me you know that.”

“I do!” she hastily replied, her eyes finding mine again.

“Say it.”

“I… I know you love me, mommy…” Her eyes didn’t leave mine.

“Why did me wanting to talk make you nervous, honey? You can trust me with anything. You know that. What’s bothering you?”

Her ears flopped down again and she laid back down. I sat down next to her and began stroking her cute little ears. “You… you always talk about… how creepy it is when I smell you,” she whispered. “And about how creepy so many other things I do are… Like wearing your clothes, or making sure you eat… I don’t… I don’t really know how to show that I love you, mommy. But I do! And I’m doing everything I can! I try not to be weird, I try not to be creepy, but it’s all I know!”

Oh boy. It looked like she was on the verge of tears, so I swooped in and hugged her. “I love you, Taya. You are my daughter. Weird and creepy or not. Human children are different. They wouldn’t do a lot of the things you do. Even now, I’m still trying to get used to the way things are here. That’s just another aspect of it. I won’t ask you to stop because I know you like doing that stuff. I’m okay with it.”

“You… you never want to do anything with me… You always seem to avoid spending time with me…”

“Taya, if I could spend every waking moment here with you, I absolutely would. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities.” She started to say something else, but I decided to be rude and continue. “That said, that’s the reason I wanted to talk to you today.”

“What… what do you mean?” she slowly asked.

“I don’t know if you’re aware, but the key cursed Kat,” I said. She gasped. “It was a doozy of a curse, too.”

“Is she okay?”

“I mean, she’s not physically hurt. But she’s in a really bad place. The point is, the curse on the gender stones was pretty bad. The curse on the key was really fucking bad. I’m not gonna find out what the curse for that ring is. I’m going to lock it in my box and hope I never have to touch it again. That’s gonna leave me really vulnerable to magic. I wanted to ask if you’d like to spend a lot more time with me while I do my day to day stuff so you could help keep me safe.”

She seemed to freeze in place for a few seconds before it finally clicked. “REALLY?!” she gasped, spinning around in my arms to face me. Her eyes were wide and she was grinning ear to ear.

“Really,” I said with a nod. “If it means giving yourself wings, so be it. I should have done this sooner, but I’ve been so blinded by… other things.” Like the ability to have weird and kinky sex at the drop of a hat. “But I’m definitely doing it now. Are you interested in being mommy’s little guardian angel?”

She finally hugged me back, so tight it almost hurt. “Yes! Yes yes yes, a million times yes!”

“It comes with rules,” I hastily said, struggling to breathe.

“I agree to every one of them,” she immediately replied without letting go.

“Then let’s go eat, get properly dressed, and get going.”

Thankfully, she finally let me go. “Get dressed?” she asked. “What do you mean?”

“One of the rules is that if I have to dress up, you have to dress up. We’re about to be walking around Canterlot, so we’re going to need to be at least a little presentable. If you don’t like it, you can stay here.”

“Then I’ll dress up,” she said with a firm nod. Then she smiled. “Let’s get breakfast, mommy.”

“‘Kay.” She finally hopped out of bed and led the way out. I followed behind her, for some reason unable to wipe a smile from my face. That said, I also didn’t feel a need to.

Sunny Disposition was delighted to cook us a scrumptious meal. Well, delighted might be a strong word, but she did it and she was smiling. That might have only been because I was playing with her ears, but I didn’t hold it against her.

Once we had been fed, we each went into our rooms to get prepared for the cold as shit day. That was a lot less intensive for her, so she quickly found herself watching me struggle to put clothes on around my tail. After I tried on the third pair of pants, her horn lit up and I felt myself suffusing with warmth. “You know I could just do this, right?” she asked.

All these cute winter clothes, yet… Wait, where the fuck did that thought come from? “Works for me,” I said with a nod. That widened my options quite a lot and five minutes later, we walked down the hall to Watcher’s room. His door was open and he was using his tiny writing desk to make notes. “I’m about to go see Silver,” I said. “We’re probably gonna be looking for houses after that.”

“I’ll meet you at the hotel in a few minutes,” he said. “I just want to finish this passage.”

“See you there, old man,” I said with a nod. He snorted and went back to writing.

After that, my daughter and I wandered into the palace. Spike wasn’t on the deck anymore, so talking to him would have to wait. I had the laptop in a bag hanging at my side. I also had the naga dagger strapped to my lower back so I could draw it very easily, though I wasn’t expecting to need it. Thinking about the dagger made me think about the naga, too. “Where’s Ames?” I asked when I was sure we were alone. “I figured I would have seen him by now.”

“Back home,” she replied. “Doppel and Zecora are visiting Ponyville. Gilda’s back in Gryphus.”

“Damn, I kinda wanted Doppel’s opinion on the house we’re about to buy.”

“...We’re about to buy a house?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Can I pick my own room?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that where we’re going now?”

“First we have to talk to Silver Quill to see if she’s found any for us to look at yet. That’s where we’re going now.” She fell silent and we continued the walk through the palace in peace. Thankfully, there weren’t any annoying people waiting for me in the main entryway of the palace, so we got out to the front quickly. When we passed the area where Spike and I had landed yesterday, I idly noted that all the damage from our claws and Twilight’s spell had been fixed.

I had flown to the hotel with Smiles before, so I honestly didn’t know how to get there by walking. One of the guards gave me directions and we headed out. One of the selling points of the hotel is that it was close to the palace, so it only took us about seven minutes to get there. The two of us got plenty of stares on the way, though the vast majority were reserved for me and my tail. It was wagging a lot more than I liked, but I would have liked not having it at all, so whatever.

Once we got to the hotel, the doormen let us in and we walked up to the front desk. “How can I help you, Lady Navarone?” the cute receptionist asked.

“I’m looking for a guest by the name of Silver Quill,” I replied. “Can you tell me what room she’s in?”

“Give me just one moment to check the book,” she said, reaching over and grabbing a large red book. She opened it and started looking through. Once she found what she was looking for, she looked back up. “For legal purposes, I need you to confirm your name and either submit to a changeling test or show me some of your blood,” she said.

“My name is Lady Navarone of the Everfree Forest,” I said, then reached back to pull out my dagger and very gently poke one of my fingers. It bled amber.

She seemed a little taken aback by the color, but quickly nodded. “Thank you, my lady, and my apologies. We’ve had married ponies hide here from abusive spouses before, so our policy is to never give a room to anypony unless we’re given permission first, and we have to confirm that the pony… or human we’re giving permission to is the correct one.”

“No worries, I get it,” I said. Taya used magic to gently pull my hand over to heal the finger while the chick looked back down.

“She’s in room 213,” she said. “That’s on the second floor.” She nodded to our left, where we saw an elevator with another employee standing in front of it. “He’ll be happy to show you the way.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome, my lady. Have a nice day.”

“You, too.” With that, Taya and I walked over to the elevator.

“How can I help you today, Lady Navarone?” the dude asked.

“I need to go to room 213,” I said.

He reached out and tapped the up arrow and the elevator immediately opened. “Right this way.” Taya and I entered the elevator behind him and he used a lever to select the second floor. We went right up and then he led us to Silver’s room. Once we were there, he bowed and returned to the elevator while I knocked.

I swear to god I heard a fucking squeak as soon as my knuckles hit the door. Thankfully, she got over it quickly and practically sprinted it to the door, then cracked it open and peeked out. When she saw it was just us, she smiled, closed the door to remove the lock thing, then opened it all the way. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a bow. “How was your trip?”

“Absolutely beyond shitty,” I replied. “Did you have any luck?”

Her eyebrows lifted when I said my trip was unfun. “Did you get hurt?”

“Well, I got tortured, so yes.” She gasped. “I also got captured and imprisoned by three different dragons. Anyway, not important. What about you?”

“I… I didn’t get hurt at all, my lady!”

“Good. Now did you have any luck?”

“Um…” She looked a little uncertain about what I had just said, but thankfully finally seemed to realize that I didn’t want to talk about it. “Yes,” she finally said. “I found three different houses that fit the minimum requirements you gave me. One’s been on the market for a while and it’s in pretty bad condition, so the price is a lot lower. The other two are fairly new and I expect them to get snatched up quickly. The realtor promised to give you a chance to look at them before she sells them, but that she wouldn’t guarantee us anything past that.”

“Neat. When can we organize a viewing?”

Her eyebrows lifted. “Already?”

“Is there a reason to wait?”

“Well… I don’t suppose there is. It’s right around the holidays, so not too many ponies are looking to move. I imagine she’s in her office. If she has time, we could do it right now.”

“Is now a good time for you?”

She looked back into her room for a moment before flinching slightly and looking back at me. “Of course, my lady,” she happily said.

“...If now is bad, we can wait.”

“No, it’s fine.” She hopped out of her room and closed the door behind her with magic. As soon as she did, she gasped and her face turned bright red. “My key!”

“And your jacket,” I said, crossing my arms. “I’m not in that big of a hurry.”

“Oh. I-it’s just…” She sighed and hung her head. “I’ll get them later…”

“You’re not gonna freeze to death, Silver. We can just go get them to unlock it for you.”

Taya rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. I heard a clicking and the door opened itself from the other side. “I kinda question the point of the lock, now,” Silver slowly said.

“I didn’t even know you could do magic without a line of sight,” I said as Silver walked back in for her things.

“If you know what you’re using magic on, you can,” Taya said. “Well, certain magic. I don’t think I could create a fireball somewhere I couldn’t see, but I can move simple objects.”

“That’s real fucking neato,” I said. Thankfully, Silver didn’t take very long. She was wearing a jacket, a scarf, and a hat that fit around her horn. She closed the door behind her and we all went back to the elevator.

When we got to the ground floor, we discovered that Watcher was waiting for us. He was bundled up in a sweater, a long jacket, pants, and some kind of head wrap. “Not too often I get to take three lovely ladies on a date at the same time,” he said with a grin.

“It’s not too late to leave you behind, old man,” I said. “Looking at how you’re dressed, it might not be a bad idea anyway.”

“Tch. When you get to be my age, you’ll understand,” he said. “The cold cuts me right to the bone.”

“You survived the Arctic and the Antarctic. You’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but I’ll still complain. It’s what we old ponies do!”

That made Silver Quill giggle, surprisingly. “Don’t encourage him,” Taya quickly said, which only served to make her laugh more.

“As long as you’re complaining and walking, I don’t care,” I said. “Let’s go.” He began grumbling, but thankfully followed me out. Once we got outside, Silver Quill took the lead and we started walking through Canterlot.

“Gourd and I have been talking,” Watcher said. “We think you can cut the bits we get back. Now that all the back-pay is dealt with and the ship is running fine, we no longer need to be able to get three thousand bits a month. Our rough estimate is one thousand bits a month.”

“That won’t be enough,” Silver immediately said without even looking back. “At minimum, you’d need twelve hundred bits a month. If you ever plan on traveling further west than Appaloosa or across the ocean, you’d need at least two thousand. Docking fees, labor costs, and trade tariffs will eat through two to three hundred bits before you can even start trading in some cities. And given the size of our ship and its speed, turning a worthwhile profit on most goods would be difficult without buying at least a thousand bits worth of anything.”

“I’ll defer to your wisdom,” Watcher said, bowing his head. “We’ll settle at two thousand for now.”

“I have a better idea,” I replied. “Let’s settle on three thousand. That way none of us have to do work. It’s not like it matters if there’s any extra left over and I won’t miss too much of the money anyway.”

“...As you wish,” Watcher replied.

“How many of your soldiers have their own houses in Canterlot?” I asked. “I honestly doubt we need a house big enough to fit everyone.”

“Most of them do,” he said. “Those that don’t have been staying with those that do. And they won’t all actually need rooms, but you never know what the future might bring. You have the right to have several guards and you’ll have to leave a few of them here when we go to Tartarus. You’ll also need to hire another servant or two to help take care of the place, since Doppel won’t be able to do it alone and you might bring her with us when we leave as well.”

“I’ll keep an eye and an ear out,” I said. “But we have to pick a place before we can really start assessing what and who we need for it.”

“Don’t hold your breath for another slutty changeling maid,” Watcher said. “Even your luck isn’t that good.”

“Don’t doubt my luck,” I said. “That said, I’d prefer someone relatively normal for my public front. I already have enough weird rumors going on about me. I’d rather not hire another sex-crazed anything.”

“Wise. Truth be told, I honestly don’t know how Doppel does it. I know some of the mares I’ve spent quality time with complained about aches and pains the next day.”

“She’s very stretchy,” I said with a shrug. “And her changeling powers definitely help. That said, I know what you mean. One particularly rough stallion is enough for me, most of the time.” That’s when I noticed that Silver Quill and Taya were both blushing bright red and Silver was looking down. I decided there were better times and places to discuss my sexual habits. “I’m sure it won’t be hard to find a good maid or butler in Canterlot.”

“You’d be surprised,” Silver said, getting over her blush. “Good ones don’t tend to job hop. I worked for a noble once who had servants who had been working for their family for generations. That’s not uncommon, apparently. You’re a special case and you might attract more ponies willing to work for you.”

“I doubt it,” Watcher quietly said. “Your reputation in Canterlot is… weird. Several of my troops have been asked by reporters why they work for you. A few of them have also been asked if you’ve tried taking advantage of them. You might have trouble finding employees here, unless they already know you beforehoof.”

God dammit. “I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it,” I sighed.

“Yes ma—Wait, what?”

“I said I’ll deal with it later. Fleur might have some suggestions.” Then again, she still hadn’t hired one the last time I was in town, so maybe not.

“I suggest doing a newspaper interview,” Watcher said. “A few of them, maybe. Ponies have been curious about you ever since you appeared, Nav. You haven’t made finding anything concrete easy. Seeing that you’re willing to do an interview would put a lot of ponies at ease.”

“We’ll see,” I quietly replied. Thankfully, he dropped it and we continued in silence. He was right and it was something that I had been considering for a while. I was planning on asking Fleur and maybe Blossom to see what they thought before I committed to it, though.

A few minutes later, Watcher started talking again. “I went to the mage’s tower before you left and got to speaking to some of the mages there. They wanted me to pass on an invitation. The Seven would like to talk to you.”

“The Seven? Is that like their leaders or something?”

“Yes. They’re the heads of the seven schools of magic in the tower. There are several things they’d like to discuss with you, but they wouldn’t tell me any particulars. I told them I’d discuss it with you.”

“I’ll go see what they want one of these days,” I replied. “I doubt it’s anything too important or they’d send me an actual invitation.”

“They did. It went to your house in Ponyville, where I assume it’s collecting dust.”

Note to self: Check my mail when I get time. “I guess I’m in for a busy few weeks, then. Would it be bad form to send Doppel in my place to some of these things?”

All three of them immediately replied, “Yes.”

“Just checking.” That shut them up again and we finally got to the realtor’s office in silence.

Like most buildings in Canterlot, this place was incredibly overdesigned and uncomfortably garish. Looking at it made me wonder how much work I’d have to put in the house I was about to buy to make it look decent.

Watcher opened the door for us with magic and we all entered. Turns out, the place was styled like an office building with multiple businesses. A single secretary was sitting at the front and she looked up with a smile when we entered. Surprise flashed across her face for a short moment when she saw me and what was obviously a night guard, but she hid it quickly and asked, “How can I help you today, my lady?”

“We’re here to speak to the realtor,” I said.

“Cutie Dream, not Lucky Flower,” Silver quickly said. “Do you know if she’s in?”

“She’s in the fourth office to the left,” the secretary said. “If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you,” Silver said as our little group started going to the left hallway. The realtor’s door was closed, so Silver politely knocked.

There was a loud bang on the other side of the door. It went silent for a moment before the door swung wide opened, revealing a neon green pegasus with bright red hair, yellow highlights on her wings, and a face covered in freckles. Looks like someone lost the genetic lottery. God damn!

She looked at all of us quickly before picking me out. “So she does work for you!” She held a hoof out to me. “My name is Cutie Dream, Lady Navarone. Nice to meet ya!”

I took her hoof with one of my hands. Before I could start shaking it, she gripped my hand harder than should have been possible with a hoof and started slamming her hoof up and down, almost wrenching my arm out of its socket.

When she finally released me, I almost stumbled back, but Taya thankfully braced me with magic. “Nice to meet you,” I said, trying to hide the pain in my voice. “This is Taya, my daughter, and Watcher, one of my vassals. I believe you already know Silver Quill.”

“Is your name really Watcher?” she asked the old dude.

“No. It’s a nickname I’ve had for some time.”

“Oooh, what’s your real name?”

“I use a nickname for a reason.”

Her head tilted and she looked confused for a moment. Finally, she reached forward and booped him. “I’m gonna call you Pookie!”

“I’d prefer you didn’t.”

“Too bad!” She looked back up at me, still grinning widely. “So how can I help you, my lady?”

“I’m looking to buy a house in Canterlot,” I replied. “Silver told me you had three on the market that fit my needs. Are you available to show me any of those now?”

“Yep! Just give me a moment and I’ll be right out!” She hopped back and slammed the door. We heard her rummaging around for a few seconds before the door popped back open and she pranced out. She used a wing to close it behind her and then locked it with a key on a large key ring completely full of keys. “Which one do you wanna see first?” she asked when the door was secured.

“Whichever’s closest, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t know enough about the three to know offhand which I’d prefer.”

“You mean offhoof?” she asked.

“No, I mean offhand.”

“Oh. What does that mean?”

“Offhoof.”

“...So you did mean offhoof!”

“No, I didn’t. Just because they mean the same thing doesn’t mean they can be used interchangeably.”

She stared at me for a few seconds in silence before shrugging. “I guess they let just anypony be nobles these days. Anyway, come along! The closest one isn’t too far.” She started skipping away, not unlike how Pinkie typically walks. Some part of me knew I was in for a long day.

We all followed her, though Watcher did so as sullenly as he could and Taya seemed pretty annoyed. At this point, we were all used to dealing with weirdos, so one more didn’t bother me too much.

Her constant chattering was pretty off-putting, but Silver Quill seemed happy to chatter right back. It meant I got to stare at their asses, so I definitely wasn’t going to complain.

The first house was about a ten minute walk from Cutie’s office and I could see the palace poking up over the buildings in front of it. I’d wager it was about a fifteen minute walk to it. It might have been twenty minutes or half an hour to Fleur’s house, which would likely cut down the number of times she’d want to visit.

It was a single huge building with a tower rising out of the middle of it as a sky port. The top of the tower was shaped sort of like a flower bud and the tower itself looked sort of like a flower stem. The front of the building was covered in grand windows and balconies, several of which had little gardens full of roses on them. I don’t know how they had roses growing in the winter, but they were definitely pretty. The front of the house, including the large wooden double doors, was painted pale red.

“This is Rosepetal Hall,” Cutie Dream said when she got up to the doors. “The previous owners… Um… Well, you might have known them,” she said, looking at me. “They’re no longer with us, I’m afraid. Well, how about the tour?”

“...I’m not comfortable living in a house where I killed one owner and was responsible for the other being imprisoned,” I said. “Are the other two houses the same?”

“Oh, no. One’s been on the market since before you even got to Equestria and the other was owned by somepony who moved out west. So how about that tour, huh? It’s lovely on the inside, and since one previous owner was viciously killed and the other was dragged kicking and screaming from her ancestral home before being imprisoned for life, they left all the furniture! I mean, really, it’s a steal of a deal!” Her smile dropped for just a moment before suddenly jerking back up. “Wrong pun. I mean, it’s a killer deal!” She winked at me.

“...Let’s see the next one.” I couldn’t tell if she was trying to piss me off or if she was just an idiot, but she was starting to do a good job of it.

Her head dropped almost to the ground and she sighed. “Fiiiine.” Oh yeah, she’s definitely pissing me off. She almost immediately perked back up and said, “Right this way!” We followed as she started prancing along to the next one.

Before we left that block, I noticed a whole lot of ponies staring at me and whispering. I definitely didn’t like the tones I was hearing. That stupid bitch had to remind everyone I murdered some people for questionable reasons. There was a lot I needed to do to fix my reputation, especially if I ever wanted the people’s support if I had to overthrow Celestia. If I didn’t have most of the country’s support, they’d rebel in a heartbeat.

But that was part of what I was trying to accomplish by buying a house, so I put it to the back of my mind.

This time, Miss Cutie Dream started trying to talk to Taya. After the first few questions that Taya answered as monosyllabically as possible, Cutie stopped walking for a moment until we caught up and then walked right next to my daughter to start talking more quietly. Taya hopped to my other side and pressed herself against me, so the stupid bitch just started talking across me. Taya answered a few more questions before just resolutely staring ahead, ignoring her.

That didn’t stop the questions, though. Thankfully, getting to the next house did. As soon as Cutie saw it, she gasped and sprinted to the front of the group before continuing to prance up to the front door. Taya shivered and stepped away from me.

“This home is called Stormview Estate,” she happily said. “You’ll see why when we get to the backyard!”

“...Actually, I can see why now,” I said, looking over the top of the house. We were pretty close to the end of the city, the edge of the mountain. This house was facing Cloudsdale, where all the storms roll in from. I could see several dark clouds bristling with snow coming our way. It would probably be a day before they got here. Living there would be really nice with helping prepare for the weather.

The house itself had two large towers on both sides of the main building, docking ports for airships. One was vaguely shaped like a thick lightning bolt. The other was styled after a tornado. There were doors at the bottom of the towers that led to what looked like small warehouses. The walkways between them were covered by little wooden roofs.

A large wrought iron fence surrounded the front. Each pole was tipped by alternating lightning bolts and sharp snowflakes. Once the fence reached the end of the property, it went deeper in as an ornate stone wall, though I couldn’t see how far back the wall went.

The three buildings I could see were made from fairly dull grey stones, presumably to look like storm clouds. The roof of each building looked to be slate and they were all fairly sharply angled. It looked like some of them were shiny. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was some kind of enchantment that made them waterproof. All of the windows had heavy shutters that one could easily pull to block out the rain. It looked like the main building had four floors.

The double doors were very heavy looking dark wood. The door handles were shaped like little black clouds and looked to be made out of metal. The key hole in them was shaped like a rain drop.

“Well, you can also see when we get to the backyard! So how about that tour?”

“Right behind you,” I said with a nod.

Her grin stretched wider and she started sorting through her keys until she found the one that ended in a rain drop. “These doors are made of Everfree Ebony hardwood,” she said as she unlocked them. “They’re one of the hardest woods known to ponykind!” She slowly pushed the doors open, revealing the entryway. The walls were painted blue and the ceiling was painted with a mix of grey colors, looking somewhat like rolling clouds. There was a fairly low amount of light in there, cast from a single light in the middle of the entrance.

“I’m sensing a theme here,” Watcher muttered as we walked inside.

“You nailed it on the head, Pookie!” He grit his teeth. “I know it’s hard to imagine, but the original owner really liked storms! He was a famous weather pony who earned the status of noble after fighting a rogue storm heading toward Canterlot. Unfortunately, weather busting didn’t pay as much as he was thinking when he had this place built. He went bankrupt less than three months after the house was built and had to give the place up! After that, his entire family line went destitute. Isn’t history great?”

“I can’t believe he only had to stop a storm,” Taya said. “Mommy had to do all kinds of heroic stuff to become a noble!”

“Oh, this was after a lot of nobles mysteriously disappeared,” Cutie said, waving a hoof. “The princess was desperate for powerful and popular supporters, so she started making all kinds of ponies into nobles!” She began trotting further in before suddenly stopping. “Well, all kinds of ponies.” She looked back at me. “Only ponies.” With that, she continued, humming quietly.

The entryway wasn’t too terribly long. It ended in a large hall that branched off in all directions. There were two spiral staircases that led up to balconies on all four floors that overlooked the main hall. There was enough floor space that you could probably host a small party in that room alone.

The first place she led us was to a living room type area to the right. It had some cloud-shaped furniture. She told us all kinds of boring bullshit about it, since it was apparently included. After that, we hit up the dining room on the left of the large hall. It was large enough to fit fifteen to twenty people. It was connected to the kitchen, which was at least three times the size of the one I had in Ponyville. One wall had a door and a staircase leading to a cellar, which is where we got to explore next. It was large and entirely open, aside from several pillars that probably supported the house. It would be a perfect training room.

When we got back upstairs, we went to the main hall and then straight ahead. The room it led to had one wall that was just a huge window facing out into the back yard. There were two more buildings to the left and a fairly large copse of trees on the right. In the middle of the yard was a fountain that was shooting out rainbow liquid. On the edge of the cliff, there was a single huge weeping willow tree that hung over the edge. A narrow spiral staircase led up right outside of the door. I guessed it went to the other floors.

There were several small circular tables in that room and a bar on the wall opposite of the window. A few glass doors led out into the yard. Apparently that room was used primarily to view storms as they rolled in. It definitely gave us a very good view of the snow storm that was heading our way and I had a feeling that it would be a great place to have guests over for tea.

After that, we walked back to the main hall again and went into the closed door on the right. It led to a staircase that went spiraling up. That was one of the airship towers. Once we got to the top (Watcher elected to stay at the bottom because he was lazy and old), we found a dumbwaiter that could be used to lower or raise cargo. We’d still have to use a platform from the ship itself if we wanted to move anything large, but it would help with small stuff.

The other tower was apparently the same, so we skipped it and went up a layer. That floor was where most of the hirelings usually lived, people like guards and servants. There were several rooms. All of them were kinda small, but cozy, and had everything they needed. That included a small bathroom for each. There were also several rooms for supplies and a small kitchen where they could prepare any meals without being in the way downstairs. There was another, smaller storm-viewing room at the back of the house. A glass door led to the spiral staircase that went up the length of the building.

It looked like the third floor was meant for the vassals or any guests. The rooms were much nicer and larger. There were also fewer of them. That floor didn’t have a kitchen, but it did have a large bathing room with a very sizeable bathtub. It looked large enough to basically be a pool, but we were repeatedly assured it was only for bathing, despite what that orange-haired carrot farmer hussy was saying. I had no clue what Cutie was talking about and was finally going under the assumption that she was insane.

That floor also had a fairly sizable storm-viewing area that connected to the same staircase.

The top floor was obviously for the owner and his family. Half of the floor was taken up by a single sizeable bedroom. It was, of course, the back of the house. One wall was just a huge window covered in very fluffy curtains that could be drawn or closed at will. A simply massive bed that faced the window dominated one corner of the room. Another side was taken up by a small office space. There was a bathroom in there that was taken up almost entirely by a huge bathtub that had water jets and bubble makers and all kinds of other fancy bells and whistles.

Watcher tried claiming that room. I stared at him and lifted an eyebrow. He hung his head, sighed, and muttered something about it being worth a shot.

For the record, it wasn’t.

There were four other rooms up there, two on both sides. Each was also very nice, though nothing at all like the master bedroom.

Once we got done in the main building, Cutie led the way down the narrow spiral staircase outside, where we got to get a better look at the backyard. The rainbow fountain was still going, despite the freezing temperatures. The copse of trees was mostly grey and leafless at the moment, which let me see that there was a gazebo in the center and a few rocking chairs hung out between some of the trees. Apparently most of them were peach trees and were covered in beautiful flowers in the spring and summer.

One of the buildings in the back was a little gardening shed. There weren’t any tools in it, but stocking it wouldn’t be difficult. I didn’t know if I really wanted to hire a gardener, but having tools on hand would be wise. The other building was a workshop, which would be perfect for Jak.

The cliff’s edge didn’t have any kind of rail or fence on it. The stone walls did lead to the edge, at least. One of the previous owners supposedly got really fucked up on salt one day and fell to his death while frolicking in the heavy rain. He supposedly never saw the edge, but it’s not like anyone could ask by that point.

Once we had our fill of the backyard, we went to one of the warehouses. There was a garage door on the same wall as the main door. It was used for moving large goods in and out. The warehouses themselves weren’t terribly huge, but they were lined on all four sides by shelves of all sizes. There was also room for several more, in case we ever wanted to upgrade. I could definitely store what I needed for a single airship in one of them, so running out of space wouldn’t be a problem any time soon.

That pretty much concluded the tour. Cutie Dream led us back to the living room and plopped her neon green ass down on one of the couches. “So, do you have any questions?” she asked once she was settled.

“How much is this place?” I asked.

“Twenty-five thousand bits,” she immediately answered. Watcher quietly whistled.

I looked over at Silver. “How bad is that gonna hurt?” I asked her.

“You could buy this house and never earn a single bit afterwards and die of old age before you’d run out of bits to pay your employees,” she replied.

“I’m gonna live for a thousand or so years.”

“...You could pay me until I died of old age without ever running out of bits, then. Point is, you could handle it. That’s just counting the actual amount of gold you have, not throwing in any of your assets.”

I looked back at the realtor. “And you said the other house is a beat up piece of shit that’s been on the market for at least six years?”

“I didn’t say that, silly! I just said that it needs some renovations and it’s been on the market for a while because of it. I showed it to Silver Quill and she loved it!”

My accountant cleared her throat and our gazes turned to her. “I loved one aspect of it,” she said. “It overlooks the waterfall. Aside from that, you’d put more bits into repairing that house than you would buying it, and it would take at least two weeks for it to be remotely liveable. Or at least, comfortably liveable. It would likely require considerably more repairs to be presentable, to the point where you’d sink in twice as much money into that house as this one or Rosepetal would cost initially.”

I looked over to Watcher and Taya. “Thoughts?”

“This house is really nice, mommy,” Taya said. “I liked the looks of the rose place, but this place is amazing!”

“It’s nice to have a house you can mold into whatever you want,” Watcher said. “And you do have the money to do that. If you have the time and the inclination to completely rebuild a property to make it exactly what you want, I’d say checking out the other one would be worth it. After all, I’d rather pay twice as much for something that’s exactly what I want than half as much for something that’s partially what I want. That said, this house is definitely nice and time isn’t exactly something we have in excess at the moment. If you ever get the desire to move, you could have this house sold in a matter of weeks and you could pick whatever new home you want.”

“I’ll take it,” I said, looking back at Cutie Dream. She squeed and flew over to hug me. I accepted it stoically and waited for her to back away, though she was still beaming.

“If you’ll come with me, I’ll get you all the paperwork you’ll need!” she said.

“I’ll take care of that,” Silver quickly replied. “It should take two or three days to get all the paperwork in order between your bank, the previous owner, and the realtor. I’ll let you know when it’s officially yours. If you want to change the name of the estate, let me know and I’ll make it happen.”

“I think I like Stormview Estate,” I said. “It’s fitting and I don’t see any reason to change what everyone already knows the place as.”

“Stormview it is,” Silver said with a nod. She looked back at the realtor. “We can get started as soon as you’re ready.”

Cutie jumped forward so that she was practically in Silver’s face and her eyes went half-lidded. “My place or yours, Silvy?” she quietly asked before licking her lips.

Silver blushed and looked away. “Y-yours is fine,” she awkwardly replied.

Cutie Dream stepped up next to her and put a wing around her back. “Then let’s go warm up together, shall we?” She giggled and began dragging my very uncomfortable looking accountant with her. We followed, because none of us really wanted to get locked inside. Once everyone was out, the crazy bitch released Silver Quill long enough to lock the door before wrapping her with a wing again and leading her away, yammering about all the things they’d get to do together.

I had no interest in boring paper work, so I zoned them out and turned to Watcher and my daughter. “I think we may have lucked out on this one,” I said. “It’s pretty far from the city center and there aren’t too terribly many other houses around.”

“That’ll make getting things from stores harder,” Watcher replied. “Including trade goods. But it’s good for privacy, minus the massive windows. I think it was a pretty good choice, though I also wish you had at least considered Rosepetal.”

“I killed one of the owners,” I said. “I’m not living there. End of discussion.” He shrugged.

“I like it,” Taya said with a nod. “It’s a perfect place to practice magic. I can throw all kinds of dangerous spells off the side of the mountain without risking anything.”

“And the cellar will be a good place to practice as well,” Watcher said. “We might need to dig out some external doors to facilitate that, though. We might also need to put gates in front of the warehouses, along with more large doors next to said gates. But all things told, the small renovations it needs will be a lot easier and cheaper than rebuilding basically an entire estate.”

“Gilda already claimed the unofficial housewarming party,” I said. “Should I let Fleur or Pinkie throw the official housewarming party?”

“Fleur,” Taya immediately answered.

“Both,” Watcher said a moment later. “And ask if Rarity would be willing to act as a go-between. That way, you get a fun adventurer’s party that’s more your speed rather than a boring and stuffy noble’s party. I know your reputation isn’t exactly the best right now, but you don’t want everyone to think you’re just another noble now. You still need to have some individuality.”

I reached down and booped him on the nose. He pursed his lips. “It’s my way of showing I care, Watcher,” I said. “So deal with it.” His eyes rolled. “That’s a pretty good suggestion, anyway. I was actually heading to Fleur’s house next. I’ll ask her if she’d be interested.”

“If you’re going there, I’ll head back to the ship,” Watcher said. “I still need to finish the demon information. Having a proper desk and a sizable enough room will be nice.”

“Use the ship’s planning room,” I said with a shrug. “Silver Quill’s been doing that with her accounting stuff.”

“...That is actually a very good idea,” he said. “I think I’ll do that. I’ll see you when you get back to the ship, my ladies,” he said with a shallow bow. With that, he hurried off to get back to work.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being called that,” Taya whispered.

“You and me both,” I sighed, tousling her hair. “You and me both…” We started walking back to downtown Canterlot, since I didn’t really know how to get to Fleur’s house from where we were. Once I got to a familiar place, it only took us about fifteen minutes to amble our way there.

Unfortunately, Fleur and Kat weren’t there. Not so unfortunately, Fleur left a note on her front door directing anyone interested in her beauty show to head to the opera house. I had absolutely no idea why there of all places, but that’s where we went next. It took getting directions from a guard, but we made it in another twenty minutes.

Proof that being a walking abomination was finally paying off came in the form of us getting let through immediately. We bypassed a fairly long line of mares (and what looked like a few very feminine stallions) that were waiting out front, presumably there to audition for the role of Miss Equestria. Some part of me was wondering why they didn’t just use the mare that won the actual Miss Equestria contest, but I honestly didn’t care and didn’t feel like asking.

We got to bypass the line, but Fleur was still busy with someone who was auditioning. So instead, one of the opera house employees took us to Kat’s dressing room. The employee knocked and said, “Miss Katrina, you have guests.”

The door slowly opened a few minutes later. A very bored looking Kat was on the other side, though her face lit up when she saw me. “Nav!” She jumped forward and hugged me. I had to hug her back to stop from falling over at her sudden weight. Her legs actually started kicking before wrapping around me as she sighed in delight.

“Good to see you too, Kat,” I said. Not quite so sure that’s an appropriate way for a vassal to greet her lady, but I’m okay with that.

She seemed to realize what a breach of decorum it was and she finally regained her feet and let me go. Her face was lit up bright red and her ears were twitching like crazy, but she was still smiling. “It’s… very nice to see you, my lady. Please, come in!” She stepped aside and waved an arm into her room. Taya and I let ourselves in and Kat followed, closing the door behind herself.

“Fleur’s kinda skimping, ain’t she?” I asked as I looked around. The room was extremely basic, not at all something I expected Miss Egypt to be set up in. There were a few mostly empty clothing racks, a single chair with a relatively small mirror, and a small amount of grooming supplies. Even the lighting was fairly minimal, though that mattered less with Kat’s cat eyes.

“All of the rooms are shabby,” Kat said. “This isn’t going to be where the actual contest is held, so she didn’t go all out. At the moment, she’s just trying to get all the contestants together.”

“How’s that going?” I asked.

“Fairly well. Kumani actually showed up asking for her a few days ago, so that got her a dragon. She also has me, a changeling, a sheep, a cow, a griffin, and a zebra. She’s currently auditioning for ponies right now. She’s waiting on a reply from the dogs and she asked our naga friend to carry a flyer to his home. He told her not to hold her breath, but she’s staying optimistic.”

“Yeah, she always does. Any word from the minotaurs?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I doubt it. I also mentioned gorillas, monkeys, elephants, lions, spiders, kobolds, and all other types of things to her, but she didn’t seem interested in trying her luck with most of them. I don’t think she wants to make the first attempt at this too large.”

“Speaking of spiders…” I said, looking around the room again.

“He’s helping Fleur with the lighting,” she said. “It keeps him out of sight of the other contestants and helps him feel useful. It also saves on labor costs. Renting this space out is apparently not cheap.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. Now, how are you doing? Last time we spoke, it wasn’t that great.”

She lifted her right paw and stared at it as the smile left her face. Thankfully, it was currently covered in a fairly thin glove. “The gloves stop the effects. After some experimentation, we discovered that my left paw opens things and my right paw locks things. Permanently, it seems. And they don’t reverse each other. Once something is locked, it stays locked. The original key becomes worthless.”

“What about your mind?” I asked. “You haven’t been dreaming about the maze anymore.”

That put a small smile back on her face and she dropped the paw. “I haven’t been. Thank you, my lady. What I went through still… haunts me, but what you did seemed to break the curse on me. Cascade is slowly seeing more and more of my subconscious. She thinks she’ll be back to normal soon. Once she returns to Canterlot, she’ll check me over in person.”

“They aren’t back yet?” I asked.

“They had to make a few stops,” she said. “Though Cascade isn’t telling me the details. She told me half of them will be back in a few days while the others will be going to Atlantis for a week or two.” She cocked her head to the side for a moment before blinking. “Oh, I see. Huh. I guess that’ll give Fleur a chance to ask the sea ponies, too.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Apparently Celestia sent an ambassador to the sea ponies after we left. The two nations have been talking for a while. The water elementals are returning to talk with the sea ponies more formally about what they know of Celestia after observing her. Apparently part of the negotiations Celestia is doing will free all of the sailors trapped in the palace you visited. She’s supposed to be sending someone to pick them up shortly.”

“Tch. Most of them are fucking pirates. I can’t imagine she’ll let them go free.”

Kat shrugged. “The ambassador said they served their time. Of course, knowing Celestia, that doesn’t really mean anything. Given what you told me about the conditions down there, I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them ever set foot on another boat in their lives.”

“True. Whatever. I need to talk to Fleur, but if she’s currently busy, she won’t be much use anyway. Do you know when she’ll be available?”

“Hours. There’s no telling how many. I’m glad she isn’t having me run around right now. Ever since I figured out how this curse works, she’s had me doing all kinds of things. I never expected you could use blackmail to increase a reputation, but it’s apparently working out pretty well for both of you right now.”

Not even gonna ask. “Is there any reason in particular you need to be here?”

“I’m not leaving without Spider and Fleur might need my help at any time. I’m not allowed to watch the applicants compete and most of the other contestants are boring. I tried talking to Kumani, but all she does is pace, give me single word replies, and ask about you. I don’t even know how she found out about this contest.”

“That would be me,” I replied. “I told her about it while I was a dragon. She didn’t realize it was me, though.”

“Oh. Then I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t tell her where you were. I figured she might be upset with you, so I didn’t want her to get any ideas.”

“She’s not upset. She just wants to talk. I may as well deal with her while I’m here.” It was kinda tempting to let her stew for a while, but there was no real reason for that. Explaining the tail might be awkward, but whatever. Speaking of which… “So what do you think about my new addition?” I finally asked, spinning to the side to show Kat.

“Cascade told me,” she quietly said, staring at it. “I’m sorry this keeps happening to you, Nav. I know if I…” She shivered and continued, “I don’t think I could handle it as well as you have.”

“Well, I’ve had a lot of practice,” I said with a shrug. “I’m a horrific abomination at this point. There’s almost nothing human left of me.”

Taya stepped forward and hugged my side. “But I love every piece of you anyway, mommy.”

“Even my weird, crooked toe?” I asked.

“Especially your weird, crooked toe,” she sighed as she pulled me tighter.

“I don’t love that part of you, but I do think it’s amusing,” Kat said. “Your little toes are so adorable.”

“Tch, those’ll probably go next. Or maybe my arms. I might start a betting pool on the ship.”

“I’ll throw in on the left leg,” Kat said. Taya snorted.

“Anyway, back to semi-serious matters, I’m currently in the process of buying a house here in Canterlot. Well, house is the wrong word. Estate is better. It’ll have room for pretty much everyone, yourself included. You’re welcome to stay with Fleur until it’s officially mine or you can join me back on the ship. I probably won’t have many tasks for you until I own the house.”

“Do you know how long that’ll take?” she asked.

“Silver told me it’ll be a day or two if all goes well.”

“Then I’ll let Fleur know she’ll lose my services soon. I’ll stay with her until the house is ready. Do you know what you’ll have me doing?”

“Helping me fix my reputation,” I said. “I’m not really sure how, yet. That’s part of what I wanted to talk to Fleur about. I imagine I’ll figure some other stuff out, too.”

“As long as you don’t ask me to help pick out decorations. I’m awful at interior design.”

“Already taken care of, though I am gonna need more basic servants. You might could help by keeping an eye out for anyone looking to be a maid or butler.”

“I’ll be watching,” she said with a nod. “How big is the house?”

“Really big,” Taya said. “And it’s really cool, too!”

“That it is. There are four floors and a cellar. It also has a workshop, two small warehouses, a gardening shed, two airship docks, a really cool weather theme, and all kinds of little odds and ends. It’s a really nice house. I’m thinking we’ll probably be fine with two or three servants. I don’t really want to hire any, but I’m not about to clean that whole place myself and I’m damn sure not gonna cook for twenty people every day.” Although I bet I’d look great in a maid outfit, especially with the tail making it ride up…

“You should ask Doppel to interview applicants for you,” Kat said. “She’s been working with you for a while and would know what you want in a servant. She’ll also be the one working with them the most. As long as you tell her not to hire someone specifically for their sex appeal, it should work out well.”

“Good idea. I’ll drag her ass out of Ponyville once the purchase is finalized and get her to work on it. She’s been slacking off these past few months anyway. Well, aside from keeping most of the crew happy.”

“Which is more valuable than you know,” Kat said. “There are a lot more males than females on your boat, Nav. Loneliness and jealousy can really sap morale, but she makes sure it doesn’t happen. That’ll be much less of a concern now that we’re back in Canterlot, so she can actually focus on serving you directly. Having a house again should help with that.”

I wonder if she’ll go back to waking me up with oral again… “I’m looking forward to finally having this house. Living in transience for so long really got to me. It’ll be nice to settle down in a place for a little while.”

“It’s been a while since I had any place that felt like home,” Kat said. “The last home I had was… twisted. It was dark and it betrayed me.”

“Settling down like this will increase the risk on you, Kat. Do you think they’re still looking?”

“...Likely. But for one, I doubt they would be likely to make a move in Canterlot. It would take them a while to even get here. For two, I have had some thoughts about that. With my new… abilities and your help, we might be able to put an end to the organizations hunting me. It would be extremely dangerous and I could never ask you to help me, but I believe it could be done.”

“These… assassins take hits on leaders, right?” I asked. “Mostly just high ranking leaders?”

“That’s correct,” she said with a nod. “The griffin princess, the elephant king, people King Jim doesn’t like. They’ve eliminated all manner of targets in Africa and a few abroad. There’s nothing quite as destabilizing to a region as having its leadership murdered.”

“I’ll help you,” I said with a nod. She surged forward and hugged me again. I hugged back, because she was soft and warm. “That’ll absolutely weaken Discord and help you at the same time. It won’t be easy, but we’ll put those motherfuckers in the ground. Just give me a time and a place.”

“It’ll take some preparations,” Kat said in my arms. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready. I don’t know exactly where the guilds are located now, but I know where to find out. I’d like to do it before the Miss Universe pageant, because once Fleur starts advertising that I’m in it, the chances of them appearing increase. In a crowd like that, picking them out would be impossible. I’d be a sitting duck.”

“A sitting duck with as many protection spells as possible on you,” I said. “I’m not really sure what all those protection spells do, but I’m sure they exist for a reason.”

I guess she got bored of huddling in my arms, so she finally backed away, though she was still grinning from ear to ear. “Thank you, Nav. For everything.”

“You’re welcome for everything,” I replied.

“I’m afraid that won’t cut it,” she sighed, shaking her head. “I’m going to have to find some way to repay you.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” I said with a shrug. “Or not. Whatevs. Do you happen to know if Kumani is busy right now?”

“I doubt it. I’m sure she would be happy if you stopped by.”

“I was planning on it. Can Taya wait here with you for a few minutes?”

“What? Why?” my daughter immediately asked.

“Because I’m about to have a very painful conversation,” I said. “And I don’t want you to be there for it. Kumani isn’t going to hurt me.”

“That’ll be fine,” Kat said. “I can do her hair!”

Taya’s eyes widened. “What?!”

“Go for it,” I said. “We didn’t have time this morning.”

“Mommy, no!”

“Mommy, yes,” I said, booping her on the nose. “Now you be a good little filly,” I said. “I’ll be right back.” My daughter sighed in utter disappointment as I let myself out and immediately realized I had no idea where Kumani was. I refused to go back out of pride and instead found an employee and had him show me to Kumani’s room.

It only took me about thirty seconds to build up the nerve to knock on her door. I’m proud of that number. It only took her five to open it with a mildly annoyed expression on her face. When she realized it was me, she gasped. “Nav!”

“Yep, it’s—” Before I could finish, she shot forward and hugged me so tightly I felt my back pop.

“You really did make it!”

“Tight!” I hissed.

Her ears drooped and she quickly let me go, though her hands went to my shoulders. “Sorry! I just… I heard you survived, but I didn’t…” She sighed and hung her head. “I’m so sorry, Nav…”

“Do you mind if we talk in private?” I asked.

“...Right. Right, sorry.” She carefully tugged me inside and pulled the door shut. “Nav, I… You have a tail now?”

“And a demonic wing,” I said, flapping the wing in question. “I’m also legitimately haunted. I wanted to talk to you.”

“And I wanted to apologize for leaving you,” she sighed. “That was wrong, Nav. When you needed me most, I… walked away. I walked away without even trying to say goodbye.”

“Kumani, what we had was a mistake.” Her ears started twitching. “I absolutely don’t regret it, but I think we both know that it was a bad idea. We had fun while it lasted, but it shouldn’t have started to begin with.”

“I… I should have known it from the start, huh?”

“It was my first real relationship,” I said. “There were warning signs all over the place, but I didn’t know what to look for. I don’t regret it and I learned a lot. And I definitely forgive you for what you did to me. I understand why you did it.”

“Nav, you’re so… so mature. So much more mature than me. And so… so smart and nice and funny. You’re so mysterious and unique… Everything about you sticks out to a dragon. I thought if I could add you to my hoard, you would bring me status and fame. But in time, I realized that you were more than that. That you could never just be a trinket to me. You deserve so much more and I can’t deliver all of it. I’m sorry for everything, Nav…”

I reached out and grabbed one of her talons. She gently flinched and finally looked up with somewhat fearful eyes. “I forgive you for everything, Kumani. It’s all behind us now. I learned from it and I’m gonna try not to make the same mistakes.”

“...I guess I learned some things from it too. I’m still slowly learning to read. Fleur pointed me to a library, but I’ve been so nervous thinking about what I’d say to you that I haven’t been able to concentrate. And I guess I learned that relationships with mortal races aren’t wise.” That reminds me that I never did find out if Reginald actually loved Luna. “And in a way, I got to learn what it truly means to be a dragon. I didn’t tell you how I got here, did I?”

“Spike mentioned you when he got back,” I said. “But he didn’t tell me much.”

“Did he mention his friend?” she asked. “Tiamat?”

“Nope.”

“...Huh.” She shrugged and finally pulled her hand back. “Apparently he knew an older female dragon. She was probably in her early thousands. She… told me a few things. And talked me into coming here. She also told me to talk to Fleur, though it’s weird that Fleur didn’t seem to remember her. But she was delighted to have me here anyway and helped put me up until the contest.”

“Are you still gonna go through with it now that you’ve spoken to me?” I asked.

“I think so, yeah,” she said with a nod. “I don’t… I don’t know if I’m beautiful or not, but I’m gonna do my best.”

“Cool. I’m gonna be in town for a while, too. We never really had much time together in Canterlot. If either of us have some free time, do you want me to show you around the city?”

“...No thank you. I think it really might be best if we just… not.”

“Fair enough. Just know that there’s no hurt feelings here, Kumani. If you ever change your mind or if you need anything at all, just ask Fleur and she can help you get in touch with me.”

“How do you know Fleur?” she asked. “When I mentioned that I knew you, she got really excited.”

“I helped her out of a bad spot,” I said. “We’re good friends. I actually gave her the idea for this pageant. I thought it would help bring all the races closer together.”

“...You always think about the bigger picture.”

“Dragons are naturally greedy. It’s really easy for you to forget there’s more to the world than just what you see and what you want. While you’re here, I want you to remember that you’re not just here for you. You’re here as a representative for dragons across the world. What you do and how you act while this competition is going on will be what people think about when they talk about dragons. You are the ambassador for your species.”

“I never even thought about it that way, Nav… Should I really do this? I’m not… I’m not smart! Not like you, not like Spike, not like most other dragons…”

“Would most dragons even be willing to do this?” I asked. “You chose to come here. You chose to do this. You chose to become a part of the larger world. You may not think it, but you’ll be a good ambassador. You just have to relax and be yourself.”

“I think I can do that. Maybe.”

I’d certainly hope you can be yourself. “You already know Kat, so that might be a starting point. You’re both predators and some of the prey races might be wary because of that, but I’m sure you two can find a solution. Maybe ask some of them to take you two around Canterlot or something.”

“I think I might like that,” she slowly said. “But first I’m just gonna… think. I hadn’t considered why I was here, not really. I thought a beauty pageant was about looks, not about anything important.”

“It’s a good opportunity for you, Kumani. No one says you really have to go back to Iceland, after all. You could just stay here for a while, or travel by yourself. There’s no cure for ignorance quite like making friends and learning about new cultures. Maybe when you go back to Iceland, you can talk more dragons into traveling. You guys are very isolated, which I think is really kinda sad.”

“Maybe. I’m gonna try to think about it. I guess it’s kinda a lot to take in.”

That’s what she said. “Take your time,” I replied. “Believe me when I say that being the only representative for your race can be stressful. If you need advice, try talking to Spike. He’s been the only friendly dragon in Equestria for a while. His perspective might be valuable.”

“I think I will,” she slowly said. “There was a time when you thought you were a bad person, Nav. Do you still think that?”

“...No, I guess not. I hadn’t really thought about it recently.”

“No dragon would ever do what you’ve done for me,” she said. “Or what I’ve seen you do for others.”

“Well, I am definitely not a dragon.” Not if my trip to Iceland showed me anything. “It’s never too late to change, Kumani. It took me too long to realize that. Sometimes all it takes for others to do good things is to watch someone else do them first. I know it’s super optimistic and unlikely, but if you learn lessons from the ponies and act differently when you return to Iceland, you might be able to change things there.”

“Maybe. I don’t know if that’s what I want, though.”

“Just something to think about,” I replied with a shrug. “I’ll see you around, Kumani.”

“...Yeah.”

She didn’t seem interested in saying anything else, so I finally left. Another employee was waiting for me outside the door and waited until I closed it behind me to say, “Lady Fleur de Lis would like to see you, Lady Navarone.”

“Lead the way,” I replied. He bowed and did so.

Unsurprisingly, we were behind the main stage. He took me to the entrance of the stage itself. When I got onto it, I found that Fleur and a few ponies I didn’t recognize were sitting in the front row. She beamed when she saw me and trotted up to the stage. “Welcome back to Canterlot, Nav!” she happily said as she came closer.

“It’s good to be here,” I replied. “Especially after that hellish trip.”

That wiped some of the cheer off her face. “Did things not go well with the dragons?”

“That’s one way to put it,” I said. She was finally close enough to hug, so I did so. Your soft and squishy body is perfect. She hugged me back, of course. “I can tell you about it later, though.”

“And we can have… other talks as well.” I guess I brought the laptop for nothing. “I’ll have time to talk tonight. I’m sure Blossom would be delighted to join us as well.” She finally got a look behind me and gasped, then let me go. “You have a tail!”

“Yep, sure do,” I said, spinning to the side to let her get a better look. “It’s stayed surprisingly warm despite the cold weather, so I guess it’s sorta draconic.”

“How did it happen?”

“Just one of those things,” I said with a shrug. “When Twilight was turning me back, the gems I had eaten as a dragon reacted to her magic. I don’t know why it resulted in a tail, but whatever. It’s looking like it’s here to stay.”

“Uh… huh. I see. Come by my house tonight, Nav. We need to have several talks.”

“Yep. What time?”

She sighed and looked back at the other organizers for a moment before looking back at me. “I hate to do this, but I won’t be free until after seven. If you can’t make it, I can try to meet you tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll be there,” I said with a nod.

“Good. You’re free to stay the night, if you wish. I’m sure we can find some way to pass the time.”

“Maybe.” And a few ways to beat the cold. “I’ll see you tonight, Fleur.”

“Until then, my lovely human friend.” She pulled me down with magic to kiss me on the cheek, then started trotting back to the others. Unfortunately, they were all staring at me, so I couldn’t just watch her pretty ass bounce. Instead, I went back the way I came and walked back to Kat’s room.

My lovely little daughter had the grumpiest, most upset look possible on her face. If that face wasn’t directly under the most adorable curled hair I had ever seen, it might have broken my heart. As it was, I grinned as soon as I saw it and hugged her. “I love your hair!” That just made Taya groan.

“See, I told you she would like it!” Kat said.

“How did you even do this so quickly?” I asked.

“Curling irons don’t take long to heat up.”

Taya pushed me away with a glare. “If you like it so much, let her do your hair like this!”

Kat and I looked at her for a moment. Then we looked at each other. “I could,” Kat said, shrugging. “You have a lot more hair, though. Well, it’s a lot longer.”

“It’s also naturally curly. I keep it tied so it doesn’t bush up.”

Kat looked at Taya again for a moment before smirking and looking back at me. “Your little filly asked you to get a matching hair style, Navi. Are you gonna do it?”

Taya’s eyed widened. “What? No!”

I don’t think that’s quite what Taya meant, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. “My daughter never wants to look pretty with me. Now that she’s finally asked, who am I to say no?”

“Ugh, mommy, no!”

“Mommy, yes,” I said, booping her on the nose again. She grumbled and started muttering as Kat led me to the only chair in the room. Sure enough, there was a curling iron there. “I’ve never had this done before, so just tell me what you need.”

“I need you to just sit there and trust me,” Kat said. “Doing it with gloves is different, but not hard.” Her paws went to my hair and slowly traced it down until they got to the place I had it tied. It was down to my ass at this point while it was dry. Wet, it was lower. It was getting ridiculous and it took ages to dry off. I had been considering cutting it before I got turned into a chick. Once that happened, I didn’t see a reason to bother. “So how long are we going to be in Canterlot this time, Nav?” she asked.

“It’s probably gonna be a few months,” I replied. “My answer to Watcher and Gourd was ‘indefinitely’. We all need to be ready for Tartarus. And we need to be ready for what’s coming after Tartarus, too.”

“Which is… what, exactly?” Her paws in my hair were surprisingly calming and the curling iron felt nice and warm.

“Honestly, I don’t really know,” I said. “But I have a bad feeling. How much do you really know about what we’re doing on the ship, Kat?”

“I never really thought it was my business,” she said. “You ordered and I obeyed.”

“And you never once thought about what I was ordering you to do?”

“No, not really.”

“You know, back in my world, we had a saying. Curiosity killed the cat.”

“I know. You told me.”

“But despite that, you’re not even the least bit curious about why I’ve had that ship flying us around the world? Through all kinds of horrible landscapes and dangerous places? You never really wondered why?”

“I already said no, Nav. You don’t have to push the point.”

“And you don’t care what I’m ordering you to do?”

“Not even a little. Do your hair, make you breakfast, murder your opponents, assassinate a princess, be a perfect little noble’s vassal, lie, steal, whatever. I will obey every order you give me with a smile on my face and never ask why you’re ordering me to do it.”

“...Why?”

“Because you’re the one ordering me to.”

“Kat, what the fuck?”

She continued doing my hair in silence, slowly curling the long strands of lifeless white hair. After about a minute of thought, she said, “Before I met you, I lived by a rule. Do you know what that rule was, Nav?”

“Have a plan to kill everyone you meet?”

She snorted. “No, but that’s a good one. My rule was that the strong take what they want, when they want, how they want, and until they no longer want it or until someone stronger takes it from them. My entire life had been built around that rule. Because I said no to a person who wanted me, he bought me and made me his in every way he could. I decided to be strong and murdered him. That murder was noticed by a brotherhood of murderers. It brought me into a very dysfunctional family. But it was a family of the strong who knew exactly what it wanted from me and made me theirs in every way that they could. Do you ever wonder how the rebellion in Egypt actually started, Nav?”

“Yeah. I asked Rock about it while we were walking one day, but he wouldn’t give me details.”

“I was ordered to kill the leader of a pit fighting slave ring. It just so happens that he had picked up a fresh batch of prisoners that morning. Miguel was a murderer and Jocasta was a thief. Jocasta was likely on her way to be gang raped repeatedly and if she was lucky, she would have been sold to another slaver to be turned into a prostitute. If not, she would have been sent to die in an arena. Rock was that cat’s trainer, the one who whipped the surviving pit fighters into shape and kept them in line. I was ordered to make it a stealthy kill. He was supposed to be alone and it needed to look natural. As I watched him line up his new property and look them over, the sheer… injustice of it all struck me. In particular, the way he groped Jocasta, who was obviously terrified. I was posing as a potential buyer and walked up next to him while he was doing so. He offered to show me whatever part of her I was interested in. I slammed a knife into his face and dragged him to the ground, then kept stabbing him and stabbing him until there was nothing left of his head but mush.”

She fell silent, though her paws continued moving. It was probably weird how calm she sounded while talking about turning someone’s face into goo, but I have a jaded view on what’s weird and what’s normal. “Murdering one slave owner doesn’t just turn into a rebellion overnight,” I said.

“It only took a few minutes, actually,” she quietly said. “Once I had calmed down and looked around, I realized what I had done. I botched the contract, I murdered a powerful cat in full view of everyone, and I lost control of myself while surrounded by tons of armed guards. But a weird thing happened, Nav. Most of them were slaves. Every single one of his guards, all the cats who surrounded him, were all slaves. The only ones who weren’t slaves were the other merchants, who were horrified and immediately started screaming for their guards to stop me. It just so happened that their guards were slaves, too. All of their guards decided they had had enough, and murdered the merchants they came with. All the slaves freed each other and started looting the place for food and valuables. Jocasta and I got to talking. She was grateful for what I had done, of course. She offered to help me however I needed it. She didn’t realize I was just an assassin at the time, I suppose. Either way, after talking with her and Rock, the three of us decided we were strong enough to unite all the slaves we had with us and try to escape Egypt. So that’s what we did. We were strong enough to take the other slaves and make them do what we wanted, so we did.”

“And you met me shortly after.”

“...And I met you shortly after. Drunk on my new power. High off my newfound strength and resolve. Free for the first time in my life to do whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted. Free to take whatever I wanted…”

“...And whoever you wanted,” I softly replied. Her paws yanked my hair for a moment before easing back.

“My rule for so very long was that the strong take what they want from the weak and the weak let them because they can’t fight. I was stronger than you. I made you mine because I knew you couldn’t stop me. It was... delicious.” The purring sound she made was honestly kinda creepy. “But then you showed me something, Nav. That night when you finally told me no, you showed me something. Once again, someone had power over me. Someone had strength over me. They could make me do whatever they wanted and I would have to obey because I was too weak to stop it. And do you know what you did, Nav?”

“...I went to sleep?”

“You went to sleep,” she said. “And while you slept, I thought. What you did… floored me. I was powerless against you. I knew you found me attractive and I knew you’d want revenge for what I had done, but… you did nothing. You showed me that there was another way to live. The strong didn’t have to prey on the weak. So I started watching you. How you interacted with the camp and Spike. You never gave a single order in that camp, Nav. All you did was ask cats to do things for you and they did. You were stronger than all of us and most of us knew it, but despite that, you never gave a single order. The way you held yourself as a leader was utterly alien to us. You were strong, but you didn’t force us to obey because of it. You were strong, and you tried to make us stronger with you. You… build people up instead of ordering them down.”

“...Is that what I do?” I honestly never really thought about it.

“That’s what you do,” Kat confirmed. “That’s why I will follow you to the ends of the earth and never ask why. You showed me that my rule was wrong. You destroyed my entire worldview. I will love you until the day I die because of what you did for me. I will follow your orders to the letter. I will obey with a smile on my face, eternally happy that I am allowed to serve you.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve questioned my resolve before, Nav. Do you not trust me?”

“Wait, what? When did I question your resolve?”

“Some time after I swore myself to you, you asked me why I did it. Do you still think I want to hurt you, Nav? Is that why you question my motives?”

“I’m not… Kat, I’m not questioning your motives. You’re my friend. I want to understand you. Part of what friends do is talk. Communicate. You may be content to follow my every order without questioning it, but I want more. I don’t want you to be my mindless slave, Kat. I don’t want that from anyone. I want you to be your own person.”

“Then respect my wishes, Nav. I want to be your mindless vassal. I want that.”

“...The last time we had this talk, you said you wanted to own me.”

“And you told me no.”

“But you said you still wanted it.”

“I will want it every day for the rest of my life.”

“And you want me to trust you. Knowing that you want me. After what you did to me. You want me to trust that a simple no will be enough.”

She didn’t hesitate for a moment. “Yes.”

“Then I’ll drop it.”

“Good.” She finally finished up and handed me a mirror. “What do you think?”

That I’m an idiot and you’re a psychopath. I held the mirror up to get a good look at my hair. It actually did look pretty nice. “I like it.”

“It’ll probably only last for a few hours. Maybe a day if you’re lucky. But if you’re interested, there are ways we could make it permanent.”

“I’ll think about it.” I guess if nothing else, I can turn Kat into my hair stylist for life. “Do you happen to know what time it is?”

She looked over at a small clock on the wall. “Shortly after three.”

“Ah.” I hopped out of the chair. “Then I’m afraid Taya and I need to go. I’ll be coming by Fleur’s house later tonight, Kat. I’ll see you then.”

“Until then, my lady,” she replied with a grin and a small curtsy.

Taya and I walked away without another word. We slowly left the opera house behind us, returning to the cold, windy streets of Canterlot. “So what do you think?” I asked my little girl.

She looked up at me and tilted her head. “I think I liked it better the way it was before.”

“What do you think about Kat?”

“Oh. I like her. Are we late for something?”

I stared at her in silence for a few seconds before starting the walk back to the palace. “No.”

She easily fell into step beside me. “So why were you in a hurry to leave?”

“Are you telling me that none of what you just heard bothered you?”

“Um. Was it supposed to?”

I stopped, knelt down, and put my hands to the sides of her face. “She wants to be my slave!”

“...So?” That stumped me and she took a step back, away from my hands. “Is that supposed to be bad?”

“Yes!”

“Why?” That stumped me again. “She’s obviously pretty bad at making her own choices. I mean, I don’t know what all happened between you two, but—”

“But this is a talk we’re going to continue in private,” I said. “Let’s go.” She rolled her eyes and we continued on our way.

The walk between the opera house and the palace is usually a beautiful one. If I had been bothering to look, I would have seen all manner of smiling, happy ponies doing all kinds of smiley, happy pony stuff. I also would have seen a bunch of seasonal decorations and whatnot.

Instead, I spent the walk back in sullen silence, my mind racing. How could somebody want to be owned? How could anybody want to be a slave? Is that what Kat really wanted, or is that what Flo did to her when she messed with Kat’s head?

I was in such a hurry that I barely noticed Taya was bumping up against me every few steps and smiling with the rest of the ponies.

We got through the palace with no real issues. All the guards knew me well enough and they thankfully knew to stay out of my way. I only felt myself slow down and start to relax once we got to the skydock with the ship. Unfortunately, seeing Spike standing on the deck sent that feeling of relaxation straight in the trash. If he had been actually doing something, it might have been better. But he was just standing at the gangplank with his claws behind his back, smiling and waiting.

“Welcome back, Nav,” he said.

“Howdy. Do you want to talk about Kat?”

“Nope.”

“Then you’re next in line.”

“I’ll be waiting in my room when you’re ready. I like your hair, by the way.”

“Thanks. I think.” He backed away as Taya and I walked onto the ship and then followed us down. It didn’t feel too creepy or close or whatever, so it didn’t bother me too much.

Once Taya and I were alone, she closed the door with magic and said, “I really like Spike, too.”

“I know. You tried seducing him.” She flinched back a little. “I’m not mad, Taya.”

“I like everyone on the ship. I’m happy here, mommy.” I took a moment to look at her and realized that she was actually smiling. It wasn’t something that happened a lot.

I sat on the bed and sighed. “Kat raped me, Taya.” The smile disappeared. “Every night for a week. We’ve been dancing around the issue for a while, but there you go. Kat brutally raped me. A bunch. Almost every single person on this ship has done horrible fucking things, Taya.”

“Did you forgive her?”

“Could you ever forgive her, Taya?”

She sat down and tilted her head. “I’m not you. You accepted her oath of fealty. She hurt you, but you forgave her. You trust her. She knows that what she did was wrong. Maybe this is the punishment she decided for herself. Maybe it’s her way of undoing what she did. But does it matter? She wants to serve you. Why’s that bad? She’s obviously really bad at making her own decisions, if she thought raping you would be a good idea. So really, this is a good thing. There’s one fewer dangerous psychopath out there trying to hurt you. Instead, she’s here, trying to protect you and serve you.”

“While loving me for the rest of her life.”

“Yep.”

“And none of that strikes you as odd or weird in any way?”

She took a quick look around the room before saying, “You’re a clone-thing from the past and we’re fighting to stop the idea of discord itself. What’s normal?”

When you look at it like that… “So you’re saying don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“...Who just gives ponies away?” she asked. What the… oh. “I’m just saying, Kat wants to serve you. She’s useful and she owes you. You’re not a bad person for making use of her. Especially after what she put you through. So use her. After all, it’s not like you can force her to make even worse mistakes.”

And I guess when you look at it like that… “Would you have ever forgiven her?” I quietly asked.

“No, I would have vaporized her the instant I could. Did we really come back to the ship to talk about this?”

“Yes, we did. Do you not consider this important?”

“...Well I mean, I really like learning more about your past. You never told me how you knew Kat, not really. I certainly wasn’t expecting… that, but I’m still happy to know. But other than that, it does kinda feel like a waste of time. Can’t we go back out and… I dunno, do something?”

“Kat just decided to be my slave.”

“No she didn’t. She decided that ages ago. She just reminded you because you keep bugging her about it. Really mommy, you’re making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. Why can’t you just be happy? You don’t even have to pay her!”

“And you’re not even the teensiest bit worried that she might crack? She loves me, she wants to literally own me, she’s raped me before, she’s really good at torturing people, she’s really good at murdering people, and she could theoretically make me disappear. All that’s stopping her from hurting me or you or anyone is… what, exactly?”

“She doesn’t want to. Duh.”

I stared at her in silence for a few uncomfortable seconds. “According to her.”

“No, according to Deceit’s End.” I blinked. “I cast it when she started doing your hair so I’d know you were lying when it got done and you pretended to like it. Everything she said was true. She’s happy as your slave. She’s happy to obey your orders. So let her. She wins, you win. Oh, and you also apparently do like your hair curly. So what’s the big deal?”

“...We’ll go for a walk once I talk to Spike.”

She grinned. “I’ll be thinking of places to go.”

“Right.” She hopped up to the bed as I walked out and down the hall. I momentarily bypassed Spike’s room to head to the kitchen, where I found Amber and Sunny.

“Hot cocoa?” Sunny asked with a grin. The two of them were drinking some from mugs next to a large pot of it.

“Sure.” Amber floated a mug over and Sunny ladled me some. “So have any of you wondered why Kat agreed to become my vassal?”

“She told us she hurt you,” Amber said with a shrug as she floated the mug over. “We just assumed it was her way of apologizing. Why?”

I took a sip of the cocoa and felt some heat worm its way into my belly. It felt pretty good. “She told me she’ll obey every order I give without question and be happy about it. I was just wondering if you guys thought that might be weird.” The two of them looked at each other for a moment before turning back to me. “You know, relatively speaking.”

“Not really,” Amber said. “I can think of worse ways to spend the rest of my life. I’d be happy to follow every order you gave, too. I might even ask you to give more of them!”

Yeah, I bet you would. Sunny rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t go that far, but I don’t really think it’s weird.”

“...You’re not even the teensiest bit weirded out by it?”

“The more I think about it, the more I like it,” Amber said. “Where can I sign up?”

“I’ve been weirded out by a lot of things on this trip,” Sunny said. “I’ll take weird over horrible any day, and this weird life absolutely beats the horrible one I had before I met you. This is what you want to hear, so I’ll say it: Yes, it’s weird for Kat to want to be your slave. But no, I don’t think it’s a bad thing and I don’t think you should let it bother you.”

I stared at them for a few long seconds before taking another sip. “Fuck it. When in Rome, and all that. Thanks for the cocoa, girls.”

I started leaving the kitchen to head back to Spike’s room. “So can I be your slave?” Amber whispered.

It was quiet enough that I wasn’t quite sure I heard it, so I turned back and looked at Sunny. “Hm?”

Her horn lit up and a muzzle appeared around Amber’s face. “Nothing, my lady. Come back if you want more!”

I finally made it to Spike’s room and knocked on the door. It opened the second my knuckles hit the wood and revealed a grinning purple dragon. His eyes looked me over before settling on my mug. “Is that hot cocoa?”

“Yep. More in the kitchen if you want it.”

“...I’ll be right back.” He wandered on down and I let myself in. I almost sat on the bed before I could stop myself and think about what he and Gilda might have done on it. Instead, I settled on looking around the room. He didn’t really have it very well decorated. But then, I didn’t either, so I couldn’t judge him.

When he got back, he closed the door and said, “Those two are weird.”

“Yep. But they gave me some free hot cocoa, so I ain’t gonna look that… Well, I ain’t gonna judge ‘em. So how do you want to start?”

“By getting comfortable.” He sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.

“...Are your sheets clean?”

“Yeah. Gilda and I mostly do things in her bed. And it’s been so cold the last few weeks that she’s been swallowing every drop anyway. Well, after swirling it around and gargling, anyway.”

“That’s more information than I ever wanted to know, thank you.” He shrugged and patted the spot next to him again. I sighed and sat next to him, though I certainly didn’t feel any more comfortable. Since we were both facing toward the door, it was kind of hard to even look at him.

“That trip to Iceland was something, huh?”

“Sure was.”

We sat in silence for a few seconds before he slowly said, “You don’t seem very comfortable.” I sipped at my delicious hot cocoa. “Nav, do I… do I make you nervous, too?”

“I don’t like sitting next to people and I don’t like talking to people when I can’t look them in the face.”

“You cuddle Taya and talk to her all the time!”

I slid over to the center of the bed, then tossed his pillow out of the way and sat with my back against the wall and my tail curled up around my side so it poked toward him. “Now I am comfortable. My legs are propped up, I can actually look at you while we talk, and I have something against my back. You don’t make me uncomfortable, Spike. You’ve worried me a few times, but you’ve never made me truly uncomfortable. I know you’re my friend and I know you’re never gonna hurt me.”

“Oh.” He also spun to the side and sat so he was facing me, then he scooted closer and grabbed one of my feet. “Do you mind if I rub them?”

“Do you… do you want to rub them?”

“Yeah. I like massaging you.”

“Knock yourself out,” I replied with a shrug. He grinned and blew some steam onto both of his claws before pulling my shoes and socks off and getting to work. It felt pretty dope. “I’m in the process of buying a house at the moment.”

“Why? You already have one in Ponyville.”

“Because that’s in Ponyville, not Canterlot. I need to be here for a while and I’m tired of living in the palace. I need a place of my own.”

“...Am I gonna have to go back to Reginald’s cave?”

“No. He’s probably in Iceland anyway, so we wouldn’t be able to get the entrance open.”

He shook his head. “He sent me a message saying he’ll be waiting in his cave for us and that he won’t leave until he speaks to us.”

Great, more bullshit to add to my to-do list. “Then we’ll do that tomorrow or the next day. What did Celestia have to say?”

“...Nothing. She wouldn’t even tell me that my father was Bahamut. She doesn’t know I know.”

“And how does that make you feel, Spike?”

His grip on my feet got uncomfortably tight for a few seconds before he relaxed. “Bad. It makes me feel bad.”

“What do you plan to do about it?”

He sighed, breathing more warm steam directly onto my feet. “Nothing,” he finally said.

“I think we both know she adopted you for a reason. That mare may say she loves you, but that doesn’t mean she won’t use you, Spike. She used Luna until Luna was all used up, then cast her aside. She may be your mother and she may love you, but—”

“I know,” he hissed, his claws going tight again. He fell silent for a few seconds before sighing and easing up again. “I know…” His claws seemed to move on autopilot, though they still felt very good.

After about half a minute of silence, I asked, “Do you still want to know what happened to me while we were in Pyrite’s volcano?”

“...Yeah.”

So I told him about my time in the cell, all the fun times I had with Pyrite on his chair, and about how pretty my new mother made me. Since a good chunk of my time was spent being dragged around, the story didn’t take too long.

By the time I finished, he was done with my feet and my mug was unfortunately empty. We sat for a few moments as he thought. He finally asked, “You said my father was Bahamut. Do you… do you know who my mother is?”

“I’m afraid not. That isn’t something Luna discovered when she rescued your egg and Bahamut wasn’t exactly in a hurry to implicate himself by talking about it. Pyrite didn’t seem to know, either. I didn’t see any female dragons anywhere near his age, though. We could ask Reginald when we see him.”

“Do you… do you think she’s still alive?”

“I honestly don’t know. Maybe. But there’s a better question you haven’t asked. Bahamut was selling eggs. Do you think she let him sell your egg or do you think he just took you from her?”

“I… I dunno.”

“I don’t either,” I said with a shrug. “But it’s something to think about. Your dad is a shitty person, Spike. It’s possible your mother is, too. I really, really hate to say it, but it might be time to just move on.”

He looked away. “How long did it take you?”

“It still hurts. It might always hurt. But I accept it. There’s no going back. All things told, you’re really not in a bad place right now.”

“...I guess not, huh?”

“Letting go ain’t easy, Spike. Especially letting go when all you really have is questions. If you want to try to find your mother next, we can do that. But I’m of the opinion that it might be time to just… let go.”

He hung his head. “After what happened to us, I think you might be right… But I’ll listen. I’ll watch. If I ever find more information, I might go looking. I won’t actively search, but I won’t give up.”

“Works for me. After Discord’s dead, if you want to revisit it, we’ll head back to Iceland and take another look. Or you can ask Reginald to ask around while he’s there and he can send you a message.”

“...Yeah, alright.”

“If you ever want to talk about any of this again, just let me know, Spike. I know this is tough on you. And if there’s anything else I can do, let me know.”

“...Well, I can think of a few things.”

“Unfortunately, I promised to spend some time with my daughter after talking to you, so anything too terribly time consuming will have to wait.”

“Oh…”

“Also, I’m going to try to teach you a few things while we’re in Canterlot. How to lie, how to stay calm under pressure, and maybe a few other little odds and ends. You said you want to learn to be like me and all of this is a long time coming.”

“Hey, you weren’t exactly all that calm after killing that purifier!”

“I was calm enough to talk our way out of getting arrested,” I replied.

“You said he tried to rape you!”

“It worked.”

“That… is fair. And I guess I could have handled it a little better…”

Like maybe trying to help me instead of just standing back as I got my shit kicked in. “Which is why I’m going to try to start teaching you how to handle shit like that better in the future. I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll figure it out. For now, though, I’m gonna go spend some quality time with Taya.”

“And I guess I’ll just be here. Alone.”

“I guess so.” I grabbed my shoes and socks and slid off the bed, then held up my empty mug. “This is for you, Spike.”

He took it without even thinking, then looked at it. “Wait, what am I supposed to do with this?”

I shrugged. “I dunno.” Then I walked out and went back down the hall to my room, where Taya was all cuddled up in my blanket again. I’m never gonna get all the fucking purple fur off my bed… “So what are we doing?”

“Getting lunch,” she replied, sitting up.

“Cool. Amber and Sunny are already in the kitchen, so—”

“Nope, we’re going out!” She hopped off the bed and floated a bag of bits over to me. “Shall we?”

“...Do you know where we’re going?”

“Yep!”

I shrugged and said, “Lead the way.” She did so with an uncharacteristically large grin on her face. Once we got back into the palace and it was just the two of us, I said, “You seem to be pleased about something.”

She blinked and a small blush came to her cheeks. “Oh, do I?”

“Yep.” You aren’t even acting like a depressing psycho. “I bet you really like having curly hair.” She shivered. “Or maybe it’s just having matching hairstyles, hm?”

The blush disappeared and she rolled her eyes. “Ugh, no. I got to talk to Twilight before you got back. She told me she was going to ask you to a festival. I’m just happy that you agreed to go.”

Why did Twilight tell my daughter I was going to be a sex toy for a week? “...And why are you happy about this?” I asked.

“A full Hearts and Hooves festival? It’s the perfect first date!”

“Wait, what?!”

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty

“It’s the griffin’s week long Hearts and Hooves festival, silly! You and Twilight are going as a couple.”

I grabbed her tail to stop her and she turned to look at me, still grinning. “Did Twilight tell you she was going to ask me there as a date?”

Her grin dipped a little. “Well, not in those words, but that’s what she was hinting at. And you agreed!” She hopped up to hug me. “I knew you two would be happy together!”

“I thought you wanted me to get with Fluttershy.”

“...Mommy, I’ve wanted you to get together with Twilight since the beginning. You two make the perfect team! You have really good common sense and can fight without magic and she has a lot of book smarts and can use really powerful magic. Back when you two used to live together, lots of ponies kept asking me if you two were official yet. Rarity even tried to get me to help set you two up.”

“And you never once thought to communicate this with me?”

She let me go and took a step back. “You wouldn’t have listened, mommy. You wouldn’t have given a relationship with her a chance until just recently. I’m glad you changed your mind, too! I can be your best mare. Oh, and Cadance can finally be useful!”

“Whoa now, you’re moving a little quick. One date doesn’t mean marriage. If that’s what this even is. You don’t know Twilight actually meant it as a date. She told me she didn’t even know what the festival was about.”

“Tch, I’m sure she lied. She asked me if I thought you’d say yes to going with her to a special griffin festival that happens every year around Hearts and Hooves day. Why else would she ask?”

I reached down and booped her on the nose. “Just because you want something to be true doesn’t mean it is. It’s odd that she didn’t tell me it was a Hearts and Hooves Day thing, but that just means she probably doesn’t want me to think it’s a date.”

Her smile lowered for a moment before returning in full force. “So it’s a surprise date!”

“Or it’s not a date at all.”

“Oooh, so what are you gonna wear on your date? You don’t want her to know that you know, so you have to be subtle. I bet Rarity would love to help!”

“Taya, don’t get your hopes up. This might not shake out the way you like.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but her smile didn’t change. “We’ll see, mommy. We’ll see…” She finally turned and continued walking. I once again fell in behind her, though I couldn’t help but ask myself what she meant.

At the moment, though, my mind was more concerned with whether or not Twilight just asked me on an actual date. As Taya said, there was a time when I wouldn’t even consider the idea and just laugh at whoever suggested it. Now, though…

Now, I was considering it. Twilight and I had both changed quite a lot over the years. We were a lot more compatible and friendly with each other. Taya obviously liked the idea. So did all of Twilight’s friends and a good chunk of Ponyville, apparently. Sex with her was also fun and it was only getting better as she grew more confident in herself.

There were a few problems, though. I could never give her foals, not that I was particularly interested in having kids to begin with. I didn’t know if that would be a dealbreaker with her or not. She also had competition. Celestia was looking increasingly unlikely. That left Fleur and possibly Rainbow Dash. If I went through with overthrowing Celestia, Rainbow Dash would be out of the running and Twilight might be too hurt to stay with me.

That said, Chrysalis might also be an option, if she continued on the path to Moonbeam. She was a slightly older and sexier version of Celestia with just as much power and knowledge. There’s no telling how she’d react to me killing Celestia, though.

Then there was the option of just being a slut for life. Ponies didn’t seem to have STDs and I’d be immune anyway. I also couldn’t get pregnant, so there was nothing stopping me from doing whatever I wanted with whoever was willing. There were certainly benefits to having relationships, but there were definitely benefits to not being in one as well.

For the time being, I decided to go on the assumption that Twilight wasn’t asking me on an actual date and that Taya just misunderstood her. I’d judge Twilight’s reaction while we were at the festival and see how she felt. At the moment, I honestly didn’t know if she was interested or not and I wasn’t going to make a big deal of it in case she wasn’t.

And if she is interested in me… I guess I’ll have a decision to make.

Before we could get out of the palace, an out-of-uniform day guard galloped around a corner, sliding on the marble before finding purchase and darting straight toward me. Once he got to Taya, he started to jump right at me. My daughter thankfully snatched him from the air and forced him against the wall. “Why are you attacking mommy?!” she demanded, slapping a hoof against the ground.

When he hit the wall, his head bounced on it pretty hard, so he was pretty dazed. I stepped closer and grabbed him by the mane to lift his head up. “...I think I recognize you,” I slowly said.

He finally came to his senses and looked up at me with a smile. “My name is Pointy Hat, my lady,” he said. “And I wasn’t trying to attack you, I was trying to hug you!”

I let his hair go and took a step back. “I made you dream about stallions one night. The last time we spoke, you didn’t seem very happy about it. But you were awfully happy in the dreams.”

“Well… They kept happening. Eventually somepony started asking me… questions. One thing led to another and… I tried it!”

“Oh, wow. So uh… how was it?”

He sighed and shivered. “Everything I dreamed of and more! Thank you, my lady.”

“Taya, let him go.” He slid down the wall and landed on his hooves. “You can hug me if you want, but please don’t throw yourself at me like some kind of deranged anime character.”

“...Right, sorry.” He walked forward and very carefully wrapped me in a hug. Since I was in an okay mood, I hugged him back, which for some reason made him sigh in delight. “You’re really good at hugging!”

“Her belly rubs are also great,” Taya said with a smirk. “Not that you’ll ever find out, of course.”

“Taya, don’t be mean,” I said. She was standing close enough, so I reached over and booped her, then let the dude go. “So have fun being a massive butt slut, I guess. And I also guess you’re welcome or whatever.”

“Oh, before you go, I had a question. I know you’re well-traveled and I hope you might know the answer… Where can I find any male dogs? They aren’t too common in mainland Equestria…”

“I’ve seen a few mercenaries around Canterlot, but there’s no telling if they’re gay or not. The closest place where I know they’re concentrated is Mexico, but it’s apparently unsafe. The next closest would be Barkelona. After that, you’d probably have to go straight to north Africa or China. There might be some closer, but I don’t know for sure.”

He bit his lower lip for a second before his eyes lit up. “I know! The griffin fertility festival is coming up! I bet I could find a few strong predators that are looking for company!”

“The griffin what now?” I asked.

“Every year around our Hearts and Hooves Day, they have a fertility festival,” he said. “It’s their first mating season of the new year. It’s also one of their strongest ones. Female griffins get very loving and doting and male griffins act really tough. Not many ponies know about it and most of those who do avoid traveling north that week. Apparently a lot of griffins have prey fetishes. The only reason I know anything about it is because I had to escort a diplomat one year and caught the tail end of the festival. But it’s coming up and I have vacation time!”

Well then. “Have fun. Remember to pace yourself and drink plenty of fluids. Also pick up a few reusable cold packs. You’ll need them.”

His tail swished and he shivered. “Good idea. I’ll see you later, my lady.” He bowed and continued trotting down the way we came.

When he was hopefully out of earshot, I looked down at my daughter. She was blushing up a storm and her ears were twitching. “Did Twilight happen to tell you it was a Hearts and Hooves Day event, or did you just assume that?”

“...It’s still a date,” she muttered before continuing to walk.

Yeah, a date between my pussy and a whole lot of griffin dicks. Here’s hoping they don’t actually have spiny cocks.

We soon got to the turn that would begin taking us out of the palace, but Taya skipped it. “So where exactly are we going?” I finally asked.

“You’ll see,” she replied with a giggle. So much for not being psychotic. At least it’s a cute psychotic instead of a scary one.

We took a few familiar twists and turns that finally ended where I suspected it would. Taya knocked on Twilight’s door with magic before I could say anything. For better or worse, Twilight answered a few moments later. Her face lit up when she saw us. “Hello, you two. What are you up to?”

“We were just on our way to lunch,” I said.

“And mommy told me you’ve been cooped up all day and probably forgot, so she decided to invite you!” I did what now?

Before I could form the words, Twilight’s eyebrows lifted and she said, “I’d… I’d enjoy that, I think. Let me just get ready for a minute.” She beckoned us in. We followed her and she closed the door behind us, then said, “Just wait right here.” With that, she walked off into her actual bed room and the door shut behind her.

I looked down at my smirking daughter. “What do you think you’re doing?” I quietly asked.

“I’m just doing you a favor, mommy,” she smugly replied.

“You’re just being a little pain in my—” Twilight’s door opening back up cut me off, but I think Taya got the message. Her smirk grew even darker.

“So where are we going?” Twilight asked as she walked closer. She was now wearing a parka and a scarf.

“Rarity told me about a place nearby,” Taya said. “I think it would be nice.”

“What was the name of this place?” I asked. “It wouldn’t happen to be the Loveboat, would it?”

Taya shrugged. “Doesn’t ring a bell. Shall we?”

“I’m sure miss local over here has some other options,” I said, looking at Twilight. “Rarity’s tastes are a bit too… ridiculous for me. Yours are more my style.”

“Ever since we started traveling, I’ve been trying to diversify my palate. I’d be happy to try a new place. It wouldn’t survive in Canterlot for long if it was completely terrible.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Then Rarity’s place it is.” But I swear to god, if it’s the fucking Loveboat…

God fucking dammit, Taya. “So what exactly did Rarity tell you about this place?” I coldly asked, staring at the Loveboat.

“That you took someone here one time and had a good time,” she said with a shrug. “So I thought you’d be happy to come back!”

“She didn’t happen to mention the name at all?” I asked, my eyes moving to the large sign that read ‘Loveboat’. It was shaped like a heart with a sail on it.

“Ooooh, it’s the Loveboat! I thought she was saying Lovebloat! Oops, silly me. Well, since we’re here, let’s eat!”

“It certainly looks interesting, and I don’t know this part of the city well,” Twilight said. “I’m really hungry and I don’t know what else is nearby, so this is good enough!” Taya smirked at me. I gave her a look that hopefully conveyed I would be giving her a talking to later, but it didn’t wipe that look off her face.

“For the record, I did not have a good time when I was here,” I said.

Taya shrugged. “Must have just been the wrong company. Let’s go!”

You little shit. I was the closest one to the door, so I opened it and held it for them. Taya trotted past, smirking at me in sick sadistic glee. Twilight thanked me and walked through.

As tempting as it was to make a run for it, I knew it would be too rude. Instead of doing the smart thing, I followed them in, already hating myself. The disgustingly pink decor hadn’t changed at all. The employees were all probably different, but it was hard to tell since I’m a shitty person and didn’t pay attention the first time around. Since it was apparently right after school had let out, there were a lot of young couples doting on each other and acting all cute and shit.

It disgusted me.

Taya was already talking to the hostess. The chick’s eyes lit up when she saw me and what looked like a shark’s grin appeared on her face. “Welcome back to the Loveboat, Lady Navarone.” Oh great, they remember me, too. “If you give us just a moment, we’d be happy to get you seated!”

“Of course,” I replied, trying to sound pleasant. It probably didn’t work, but it was the thought that counted, right? She rushed off, giddy as could be.

“So you came here with Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked as she looked around. “This was… back when you were male?”

“It’s a weird story. We came to Canterlot for a Wonderbolt race and decided to look around for food places before the show. This is the first place we saw. We took a step in, looked around, started to leave, then Rarity called us over. We pretended to be a couple to make her shitty date slightly better.”

“Ah. Well, you wanna do it?”

“Do… what, exactly?”

“Pretend to be a couple?” she asked with a small grin.

“Of course she would,” Taya said, using magic to push me closer to Twilight. “I’m sure you two will be great together!”

“That leaves a third wheel, though,” I said, turning a glare to my daughter. “And I wouldn’t want that.”

“I don’t mind,” Taya said. “In fact, I’m not really that hungry, so…” Her horn lit up and she disappeared with a pop. Oh, I am gonna beat you like a red-headed stepchild.

Before I could comment on the new turn of events, the hostess returned. “Right this way, my ladies!”

My ‘date’ chuckled and grabbed my hand with magic. “Come on, Navi!” She dragged me with her as she followed the hostess to our table. Apparently being famous means I get preferential treatment, because we got a table built into a swan-shaped boat. It looked like something that was stolen from a tunnel of love. There were only two seats, so Taya was presumably planning on dipping the whole time.

Twilight took a seat on one side and after just a moment of hesitation, I sat across from her. The table was very tiny, presumably so the partners would have to share everything.

As soon as we were seated, a mare about Taya’s age and wearing a ridiculously short skirt and tiny blouse approached us. Her hair was in pigtails and she had a big grin. The poor filly’s teeth were in braces. “What can I get you two to drink?” she sweetly asked as she hoofed us a single menu.

Twilight commandeered the menu and took a quick look. “Mint and lavender cocoa.”

“And a water each,” I quickly said before the adorable waitress could walk away.

“Coming right up!” she sang before bouncing off.

“So this place is very… lively,” Twilight said when our waitress got to the kitchen.

“It’s designed for teenagers,” I sighed. “I’m gonna make Taya pay for this.”

She giggled and reached a hoof across the table to take one of my hands. “Don’t, Nav. I think it’s cute.”

“...You realize that she’s trying to set us up, right? That was the purpose of this.”

“Yeah, I know.” I blinked. “I enjoy spending time with you, Nav. And I like seeing you interacting with your daughter. I don’t mind at all if she tries to set us up.”

“And being manipulated doesn’t bother you in the slightest?”

Her smile turned slightly darker. “She may have gotten the upper hoof this time, but there’s always next time. Maybe it’s time we find her a special colt friend.”

“Tch. Maybe. It’s certainly funny to watch her squirm when colts call her cute. Anyway, tell me about this festival we’re going to, the griffin one. What do you know about it?”

“I’ve done enough research to know that we’ll both have a fun time,” she said. “And I’d like you to not look into it. I want it to be a surprise. We’ll be going in disguise, so there shouldn’t be any risks.”

“...Are we gonna be Snow White and Shady Grey?”

She smiled and pulled the hoof back. “Not this time. I was thinking maybe a cruel and dominating unicorn lady and a shy and submissive pegasus maid. We can refine the details later, of course.”

“...Of course.” Though I might not want to. I think going to a fertility festival as a submissive maid might be fun. Judging by the smirk on her face, she was thinking the same thing I was.

“So how does the house hunt go?” she asked.

“Well. I got one called Stormview Estate.” Her ears twitched slightly. “You know of it?”

“My parents and Shiny went once for a party. I… decided to stay home and study. He told me it was amazing, though. A thunderstorm was passing near the mountain and he could see all the flashes of lightning from one of the rooms.”

“The same’s also true for the master bedroom. You’re welcome to come by the day we move in. I’m sure we can find a use for your magic.”

“I think I just might. What about the night you move in, hm?”

“The bed is fucking massive and comfy as fuck, but I’m making a promise to myself that I’ll sleep in it for one night before ruining it. It’ll be hard, but I feel like I have to.”

“I can respect that,” she replied with a shrug. “So when are you moving in?”

“As soon as it’s officially mine. Silver Quill said the paperwork should be finalized tomorrow or the day after. I haven’t seen her since, so I don’t know for sure when.”

“You could ask her now,” she said, nodding to our right. I looked over there and saw a very nervous and blushing Silver Quill sitting across from a grinning Cutie Dream. Silver was too nervous to have noticed us and Cutie was presumably too much of a racist to pay me any mind. They were sitting across the restaurant, so I’d have to get up to say anything.

“I think I’ll pass,” I replied as my gaze met my date’s once more.

“Ugh, you’re so antisocial," she replied. “I’ll do it.” She started to stand up, but I quickly grabbed her hoof again.

“If the servers know we know them, they might try to make us sit at a double date table. I really don’t like the person she’s with. Just wait until we’re leaving.”

Her eyes rolled and she sat back down. “Fine. Ugh, I spoil you so…” She looked down at my hand on her hoof and her horn lit up. My hand slowly lifted and turned over as she started gently playing with my fingers. “I really like your hands, Nav.”

“I really like my hands, too,” I replied. “It’s a shame they’re probably going to get mutated into something shitty.”

“You’re very pessimistic,” she idly replied as she stretched and toyed with me.

“Well, let’s see. I’m half tree, I have a dragon’s tail, I have one demon wing and one pegasus wing, all my organs are completely fucked up, and I have a vagina now. I’d say I’m just realistic. I mean, this kind of shit doesn’t happen to anyone else, just me.”

“You live a very… different kind of lifestyle,” she said with a shrug. “Which really is a shame. I wish you had a chance to settle down, Nav. You never deserved any of what happened and even if you were rewarded for your good deeds, they were still things that nobody should have ever had to go through. You’ll never understand how proud I am that you’re finally turning your life around and learning to accept who and what you are now.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” She snorted. “That wasn’t a joke, for how little it’s worth. That’s legit something I’ve heard from at least three ponies. Probably more. And a few elementals, probably. I’m not sure I’m coping nearly as well as people think. I think Flo did something to my head and now that she’s out of me, it’s starting to crack.”

We fell silent as she slowly poked and prodded my hand and perused the menu. The cute little waitress finally came back and dropped our drinks off, then took Twilight’s order and left again. Twilight didn’t seem to be surprised that we only got one order. Thankfully, what she got was also something I could eat.

“I think you’re wrong,” she finally said, letting my hand go and looking back to my eyes. “I think Flo encouraged you to be happy with who you are and you put on a show to everyone for long enough that you started believing it, too. Now that Flo isn’t in your head anymore, you’re not getting as much positive reinforcement.”

“Well… It’s not like there’s any way to really know. The other water elementals would never tell me if Flo did fuck with my head and I have a feeling the fires would just say Flo did fuck with my brain.”

Twilight’s eyes turned blue and narrowed. “We would not lie for the sake of our sister, Navarone.”

“Yeah, but you’d lie for the sake of yourselves. All of y’all wet bitches know that if Flo fucked with my head, I’d never let one of you near me again. You want me on your side too much to ever let that happen.”

“You do us no credit, Navarone. We know the value of fair play.”

“Do you, Aqua?” She rolled her eyes. When they met mine again, they were purple. “Have I told you how much I hate Aqua?”

“Yes. She was a war hero, Nav. Did you know that?”

“So was I. And let me tell you, it doesn’t excuse her bitchy, better-than-thou behavior. She can fuck right up out my face with that weak-ass shit. And what she said doesn’t mean a single god damn thing to me. Far as I’m concerned, all elementals are liars and manipulators until proven otherwise. I don’t trust any of them at all and the one in your head is a good example of why.”

“She says you’re overly dramatic. She also just told me that I shouldn’t have told you that.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. Point is, there’s probably no way of knowing what, if anything, Flo did to my head. Even if we cast the lie detecting spell on her, all we’ll really know is whether or not she did something, not what she actually did.”

We fell silent again and Twilight leaned back, her eyes going unfocused. Silence was fine with me, so I sighed and leaned back in the uncomfortable swan chair, wondering where in life I went wrong. When I looked around the restaurant, I saw that Cutie Dream was reaching under the table and fondling a horrified Silver Quill’s thigh. Several teenagers at other tables were either kissing or making lovey-dovey faces at each other. A part of me wondered why I couldn’t be normal and happy enough to pick a single partner. Another part of me snorted and angrily asked itself what normal really was, anyway.

Twilight finally leaned forward and quietly said, “There’s a spell that could help you, Nav.”

“See, this is why I keep you around.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Also because you’re super adorable, give nice hugs, can make me scream and beg, and are just the right shade of purple.”

“Good follow-up. The reason I haven’t suggested this spell before is because it’s extremely dangerous, Nav. It puts you in a coma where you’re confronted by your inner demons. If you can conquer them, your mind will be wholly and truly whatever you want it to be.”

“...If.”

“Some ponies are in comas all their lives after that spell is cast on them. It takes extreme strength of will to conquer yourself and it takes a lot of care to avoid turning yourself into something you don’t really want to be. Due to the risk, there aren’t many volunteers. It’s usually only used for extreme cases of trauma, where magic can’t heal what ails a patient. Even then, it fell out of practice after a princess in a neighboring kingdom was in a coma for a hundred years after getting hit by the spell. She was only saved when a prince managed to find a spell to allow him to save her. It was the origin of what became known as the Tale of Sleeping Beauty.”

“...And do you happen to know the spell that would let you help me?”

“No. But I think I can find it. It would be a huge risk, Nav. What you go through in that coma will determine who you are when you wake up. If you make the wrong move, you could come out of it as a completely different person.”

I leaned back and crossed my arms. “Would you help me?”

“...No.” My eyebrows lifted. “By which I mean, I don’t think it’s my place to help you. I’m sure Taya would be happy to help, though. I don’t know what exactly she would do, but I’m sure between the two of you, you can decide what you want going into it and what she can do to help you achieve that goal.”

“Fuck it, let’s do it.”

“This isn’t something you can just jump into, Nav!”

“The fuck it ain’t. I ain’t never gonna make up my mind about whether or not this is the right thing to do, Twiley. Way I figure, right or wrong, it don’t make no difference. I ain’t gonna live my life constantly wondering who I am. I’m done with that. Find the spell, pick a time, and let’s fucking do it. I’d rather be in a coma for the rest of my life than be someone I was forced to be.”

She was silent for a few seconds before bursting into giggles. “Oh, Nav… If only you could hear the litany of elemental curses Aqua is spouting off in my head.” She used magic to pull me forward and kissed me right on the lips, though she didn’t go for any tongue. “Never let anyone tell you you’re like a pony, Nav. You’re nothing like us and I simply adore it.”

Once she let me go, I leaned back and toyed with the glass of water for a few moments, thoughts rumbling around in my head. I finally looked back up at her smiling face and asked, “Have you ever thought about us, Twilight?”

“From the time I met you until about two years ago, I thought about nothing else,” she sighed, slumping in her chair. “You can’t imagine how badly some parts of me wanted it. I knew, intellectually, that it would never work and that you weren’t interested. But still… A chance summoning, a being from another time, another life… An intelligent, powerful, useful, male being that was delivered straight to my den by a spell I never fully understood. Some part of me thought it was a sign.”

“Uh… huh.”

She blushed bright red and squirmed slightly. “But Celestia changed you, Nav. In a lot of bad ways. You became impossible to be around. I did my best to help you adjust to your new life, but eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Kicking you out was the most painful thing I have ever done and I regret it to this day.”

“Don’t. I deserved it.”

She barked a laugh. “Yeah. I suppose you did. What did you even do to Celestia to make her cry, Nav?”

“I made her admit in front of both Pinkie and Rarity that they were more important than me and that they would never be punished for raping me.” Her ears dropped and she fell silent. “Time changes people, Twilight. You said you lost interest two years ago. Have you ever thought about it since?”

“...You shouldn’t be in a relationship with Celestia, Nav,” she whispered. It honestly looked like she was close to tears. “She’s… she’s…”

“We’re not talking about Celestia, Twilight,” I quietly replied. “We’re talking about us. Our future, yours and mine.” Her ears were still down, but they were starting to twitch like crazy. When she didn’t reply after about half a minute, I said, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, recently. I’m gonna let you in on a secret. Until just recently, I didn’t think we could defeat Discord.” She gulped. “I thought I was going to die a horrible death and the cycles of extinction would continue forever. But… people have faith in me, Twilight. People believe I can do it. For the longest time, I thought I would lose, and I was okay with that. I was okay with marching blindly toward my death.”

“W-why…?”

“Because I had nothing to look forward to anyway and I’d rather spit in the eye of the devil than go down quietly. Life was misery. It was just a cycle of suffering. But I saw that there was no place for people like me, so I built one. I made a place for the damned and the suffering, a place where we can help each other overcome our horrible pasts. And it’s working. Not only do I think we can win this now, but I want to win. I want to survive. And I want to have a plan for my life when I do. I haven’t decided if that plan will include another person or not. I think I want it to, but… Well, I’m honestly afraid of commitment. But for the first time in my life, I’m looking forward to tomorrow and thinking about how I can make it better.”

“...Aqua’s not happy that you dragged the elementals into what you thought would be an unwinnable fight.”

“Aqua’s never happy.”

“Fair enough. Though she disagrees and says she’s very happy whenever you’re not around.”

“Unless your bitch of an elemental has something constructive to say, don’t relay more of her comments to me. In fact, even if she does have something constructive to say, don’t relay it. I’d honestly sooner die than let her help me.”

“Let’s get back to your heartfelt admonition,” she said. “Are you actually saying you’d… like to be my special somehuman?”

“Say boy… er, girlfriend.”

“You’d like to be my special girlfriend?”

“Just girlfriend.

“You’d like to be my special just girlfriend?”

“God dammit, Twilight. Stop being fucking adorable!” She stuck her tongue out at me. “Back to the point, you’re an option I’ve considered.”

Finally hearing it in words seemed to overload her head and a massive blush spread across her face. Her ears also got all kinds of floppy and twitchy again. It was the perfect time for our food to be delivered and I promised myself to tip the waitress very well for it. She dropped off our salad with some kind and happy words before trotting off.

She got back just in time for Twilight to recollect herself and topped off our water before fucking right back off.

“You… you’ve considered me for… your special somepony?” Twilight finally asked.

“The other people I’ve considered have made their desires known. You haven’t. If you aren’t interested anymore, I completely understand and I’m definitely happy as just friends. But when I finally decide I want to put myself on the market for an actual relationship, I want to know where you stand.”

She stared at the salad in silence for a few long seconds before her eyes met mine. “Yes,” she practically growled. “Now who’s my competition?”

“Fleur de Lis, Celestia, and possibly Rainbow Dash or Chrysalis.”

She blinked. “Rainbow Dash? Really?”

“I was surprised, too. After you turned me into a dragon and I raced her to Cloudsdale, she came onto me super hard,” literally, “and asked me out on a date.”

“Huh.”

“I told her it probably wouldn’t lead to anything. I definitely like Dash, but I don’t know if I’d want to be in an actual relationship with her. She seems kinda… immature. She’s also a lot more submissive than I like. I like women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to get it.”

“Oh, I know you do. In fact…” Her horn lit up and I felt something brush against my inner thigh. “I bet I can do some things Fleur and Celestia would never think of…”

“Celestia molested me with her hair in public once. It straight up slid down my pants and started jerking me off.” She lifted a hoof to her forehead and sighed in utter disappointment. “And I’m good for the moment, but thanks for offering. Let’s eat.” I started reaching for my fork, but she grabbed it with magic and stabbed some salad with it, then lifted it to my face. I stared at it for a moment before looking at her smirking face. “Twilight, please don’t let what I said go to your head.”

“Too late!”

“In that case, please don’t do things I hate. Like feeding me.” She rolled her eyes and let me take the fork with half of my hands. Once it was safely secured, we finally got to actually eat. I wasn’t too hungry and the dressing was way too sweet for me, so I let her devour most of it.

As soon as that was done, they brought us a dessert that neither of us asked for. It was some kind of chocolate cake in a bowl. When Twilight’s fork dug into it, we discovered that it was full of hot fudge and there was ice cream under it.

I didn’t let her devour most of that.

Once we both suitably hated ourselves, the giggling waitress dropped off the bill and topped our waters off one more time. The cake wasn’t on said bill, so I assume I just got that because Twilight was the cutest mare they had all day. Or being famous finally paid off. One or the other.

I did my best to dump half of my coin purse on the table as quietly as I could. Since it was probably around two hundred solid gold coins, it really wasn’t that quiet at all and half the patrons turned to stare at us. They got to watch me cover the pile of gold with an unused napkin and then stand to hold out a hand for my date.

Twilight took a look at my offered hand and laughed at me. She took it anyway, but stood on her own. Once she was on three of her legs, she looked at the napkin that was doing a poor job concealing a sizeable chunk of gold. “That’s a pretty big tip.”

“Never let it be said the great Navarone can’t satisfy a mare with just the tip.” She kicked me for that, but it was worth it. “Fine. It’s my money and I’ll spend it how I want.”

“That’s better.”

Since she was being a butt, we finally walked over to Silver Quill. She was doing her best to lean away from Cutie Dream, who was approaching her with a kissy face. They somehow still hadn’t noticed us until we got right at the table.

When we did, I cleared my throat. Silver Quill looked up and made a horrified sound, which made her relax enough that Cutie Dream finally swooped in and kissed my accountant right on the mouth. The mare was surprised enough that her mouth opened, letting Cutie Dream sneak her tongue in and start having fun.

“So I see your business arrangements went well,” I said with a grin.

Silver tried pulling away, but Cutie Dream had her right where she wanted her, and wrapped her wings around the poor unicorn to hold her in place as she continued to explore Silver’s mouth.

“You two are adorable together,” Twilight said. I don’t know what she was smoking, because Cutie’s color scheme was absolutely horrendous and clashed horribly with Silver’s, but whatever.

“I did kinda have a question, though. Whenever you come up for air is fine.”

Cutie finally pulled back with a giggle, though she didn’t let her prize go. “I can wait for a moment,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes at Silver.

My accountant was trying to catch her breath, but it wasn’t working very well. After maybe fifteen seconds of panting, Cutie smirked and started to lean back in for more, but Silver’s horn lit up and finally pushed the chick back. It wasn’t enough to make her wings let go, though.

“How… how can I help you, my lady?” she breathed.

“I was just wondering if you had gotten any of the paperwork done for the house yet.”

“Erm… Yes. Well, some of it.”

“I decided it was a good time for a break,” Cutie Dream said with a smirk. “I figured you’d be happy to let your employee have a good time…”

I reached in and tousled Silver’s hair, which made her squeak again. “I’m happy to give you plenty of time to pursue a relationship, Silver.” Her ears shot straight down. “But I’d really like to move in sooner rather than later. If it’s at all possible, try to have it done tomorrow.”

“I… I…”

“Consider it done!” Cutie said with a big grin. “It might take working late into the night, though. And we’d be working very close together…” Silver started squirming.

“Now that’s the work ethic I like to see,” I said with a nod. “I know you won’t let me down.”

Silver Quill gulped. “Of… of course not, my lady…”

“Now shoo!” Cutie said. “You’re cutting in on our bonding time. That’s extremely important for business partners!”

“My apologies,” I said. “By all means, don’t stop on my account.” That was all the permission Cutie needed and she swooped right back in to her strangely submissive prey.

I somehow had a feeling I wouldn’t be moving in the next day.

Twilight and I thankfully left before the waitress could discover the huge pile of bits waiting for her and the two of us aimlessly started walking. “Silver sure is shy,” Twilight said.

“Yep, seems that way. I guess she’s also afraid of public displays of affection. Still, she’s an adult and can make her own choices. If she wants to be all cute and shy with her date, that’s entirely up to her.”

“And she didn’t seem… I dunno, reluctant to you?”

“She wouldn’t have agreed to go on a date if she didn’t want it. All she has to do is tell Cutie to back off if she goes too far. I’m not gonna step in the way of whatever they have just because Silver’s shy about the first relationship she’s had since being kidnapped and forced to go through all kinds of horrible shit.”

“...Fair enough, I guess. So now what?” Twilight asked.

“I have somewhere I need to be at seven,” I said. “I’m free until then.”

Her horn lit up and a clock appeared in front of her. “It’s almost six, now. We don’t have time to write anything, but I’m sure we can find some way to pass the time…”

“I’m listening.”

As it turns out, pin the tail on the human can be a lot of fun, when you do it right.

After a quick stop on the ship for a shower and my laptop, I found myself flying back to Fleur’s house. It was past dark and I was only awake because Twilight was kind enough to give me some magical energy.

I landed in front of Fleur’s house right as Blossom walked up to the door. She spun around and fixed me with a stare that quickly turned into a smile. “Looks like I beat you here, this time,” she said as I walked over.

“Yep. Let’s get the fuck out of the cold, shall we?”

“Tch, it’s not that bad,” she replied, swatting me with her tail. It didn’t stop her from knocking on the door, though. “So how was your trip?”

“Miserable. I got tortured, almost raped to death, almost raped in general, and almost put to death.”

“What happened?!”

“I’d rather only tell that story once.” Well, one more time, anyway. Fleur opening the door cut off whatever Blossom might have said in reply. As soon as I saw the mare, I leaned in and hugged her to steal her warmth.

“Good evening to both of you,” Fleur evenly replied as she hugged me back. “Please, come out of the cold.”

“Ain’t gotta tell me twice,” I muttered, letting her go to slip inside. “It’s cold as fucking balls out there.”

“Balls are typically warm,” Fleur said as Blossom let herself in next. Once we were all in, Fleur closed the door with magic. “It’s definitely quite chilly out, though.”

“Nav’s just a big foal,” Blossom said. “It feels fine.”

“Okay, miss no blood circulation,” I shot back. “Speaking of which, you hungry? I reckon I can spare some.”

“If you don’t mind,” she said. “But I’ll wait until we’re out of the door first.”

“Katrina was just putting some tea on,” Fleur said. “Come, join us in the kitchen.” She led the way down the hall. Blossom and I walked next to each other and she occasionally bumped into me again, which was pretty uncomfortable given that she was armored. But it was adorable, so I was fine with it.

When we turned the corner, we found that the tea was apparently already done. It probably had been for a while, knowing Fleur. Kat was standing next to the stove, wearing a long flowing house-wife dress. She also put on gloves that went to her elbows and an apron, for whatever reason. She grinned ear to ear when she saw me. “Hello again, my lady.”

“Howdy. You’re taking to the role of cute bodyguard pretty well.”

That actually put a blush on her face and Fleur proudly said, “I’ve made sure she’ll have every outfit she’ll need to serve you however you require, Nav. I was delightfully pleased to find that I didn’t have to train her at all. You were quite right about her. Anyway, sit, sit. I’ll pour us some tea…”

All of us but Blossom sat as Fleur floated the hot kettle over. Three glasses were already set out. She filled them up and placed the kettle back on the stove. “Whenever you’re ready, Blossom,” I said.

“Just lean back, Nav. This won’t hurt a bit.”

I did as she said and lifted my head up to give her a better angle. She placed her front hooves on my thighs and leaned forward to lick at my neck. Once she had the right spot lined up, she gently bit down. It very lightly stung, but the pain disappeared as she suckled at the wound and stole my life forces. Once she had her fill, she licked at the wounds until they closed and sat down in the last empty chair with a sigh.

“Thanks, Nav.”

“No problem. It did hurt a little, but whatever.”

“Well, I kissed it better for you.”

“So how did you become a vampire?” Kat asked. “I’ve only known one other one and he willingly embraced it.”

Blossom’s ears began twitching slightly. “I was sent to investigate some missing ponies. It turns out there was a vampony behind the disappearances. He surprised me and my squad and took me captive. While I was his prisoner, he turned me. He thought I would rely on him for support with my newfound curse. Instead, I killed him as soon as I could. It means I know very little about my powers, but I’m learning more over time.”

“The one I know is extremely ancient and incredibly powerful,” Kat said. “He’s in charge of the assassin’s guild I betrayed. With luck, Nav and I will be able to put that beast to rest.” That would have been really good to know.

“You don’t have quite the full story,” I slowly said, looking at Blossom. “I spoke to Luna recently through some dream magic.” Fleur gasped. “She was very forthcoming. As it so happens, she knew the person behind the disappearances was a vampire and she sent you there hoping that you’d get turned.” Fleur gasped again and Blossom’s mouth dropped, revealing her fangs. “She wanted to make you utterly reliant upon her so you’d never retire and be her right hoof mare for all eternity, apparently.”

Both of them were silent for several uncomfortable seconds before Blossom’s eyes narrowed. “I’m gonna kill her.”

“Those are hasty words,” Fleur quickly replied.

“Indeed. Wouldn’t it be better to turn her?” Kat asked. “Do to her what she did to you?”

“She also told me where she was,” I said. “She’s on Mount Oberon, guarding the entrance to Tartarus.”

“Isn’t that where we’re going next?” Kat asked.

“It is.”

“Are you gonna kill her for me?” Blossom asked. It almost looked like there was hope in her eyes.

“I’m gonna put her in a position where getting killed is pretty likely,” I replied with a shrug. “But I’m not gonna actually kill her.”

“Good. It’ll feel better to do it with my own hooves.”

“I would prefer you didn’t,” I said. I finally took a sip of tea, because I knew Fleur or Kat made it and I wanted them to feel appreciated. It wasn’t terrible, but I added some sugar and cream. When I looked up from that, I realized they were all staring at me. That’s when I realized what I said actually made all three of them shut up. “What?”

“She did many awful things to you, Nav,” Fleur said. “I thought you… might have been after revenge.”

“I never really wanted to kill Luna for what she did to me,” I said. “Punishing her was enough. But even then… Over time, I learned to forgive.” Kat shifted in her chair. “It won’t be easy and it might be painful, but if I see that she’s truly learning her lesson, I’m going to forgive her for what she did to me. That said, I’ll never forgive her for what she did to you, Blossom.”

“Then why not let me kill her?” she asked.

“Because I want you to forgive her.” That made them all clam up again. “Luna wronged you, Blossom. If you want to get revenge, I won’t stand in your way. But I’ll tell you right now that it won’t make you feel better. You think you’re angry at Luna, but you’re really just angry. Once you don’t have her as your target anymore, you’ll just find something else to be angry at.”

“...That’s not something I expected to hear from you,” Fleur slowly said.

“It’s not something I ever expected to come out of my mouth,” I replied. “I’m not the person I once was.”

“I’ll… think about it,” Blossom sighed, lowering her head. “I can’t believe she… she used me like that…”

“Both sisters are evil,” I said. “Both sisters do horrible things. Both sisters use people until they use them up. Just because they’re evil doesn’t mean we have to be. Just because they wronged us doesn’t mean we have to wrong them. I’m going to do my utmost to change both of them. The horrible things they did were for good reasons. I think, over time, I might be able to win them back.”

“I believe that’s a good segue to the next topic,” Fleur said with a grin. “We need to improve our reputations.”

“Kat told me you had her working on that,” I said.

“Indeed, and never you mind how. What I am having Katrina do is not something you need to trouble yourself with.” That sounds a lot like something I should trouble myself with. “I believe we should start by discussing our lovely captain of the guard.” Three of us turned our gazes to said mare, whose eyes were now wide.

“Wait, what do you mean? What’s wrong with my reputation?” she asked.

“You’re a vampony, dear,” Fleur said. “That’s all well and fine for the ponies who know you. But some of those who don’t are concerned. A few have approached me privately and asked… prying questions. I believe the chief concern with you is that most ponies don’t understand how vamponies… work, so to say. As with everything, ponies fear what they do not understand.”

“Celestia’s censorship made information hard to find,” I sighed, leaning back. “Most of what people have to go on these days are old horror novels.”

“And a particularly atrocious piece of fiction from our humaness friend here,” Fleur said. “I don’t know why you decided to pen the Twilight saga, but it’s truly awful.”

“And also my best-selling works, as it so happens,” I replied with a smirk. Thankfully, Twilight hasn’t noticed them yet. But oh man, when she does…

“No accounting for taste, I suppose,” Fleur said, rolling her eyes. “The point is, ponies don’t understand vamponies. We need to get knowledge out there.”

“I could do an interview or something,” Blossom said. “Or put more information out in the papers.”

“We need something… bigger,” Fleur said. “An actual book might be a good place to start. Or maybe a scientific or magical study.”

Blossom actually shivered. “No thanks. Ever since the news broke, I’ve had ponies from the mage’s tower hounding me about being a magic guinea pig. I’d really rather not be eviscerated.”

“Well, we do happen to know an author,” Fleur said, turning her eyes to me.

“And I happen to know an author who’s also a scholar and a powerful mage,” I said. “Twilight Sparkle.”

Blossom groaned. “I just said I didn’t want to be eviscerated, Nav! There’s no telling what that crazy mare will do to me!”

“She’s calmed down a lot,” I said. “I can talk to her and make sure she doesn’t do anything invasive. I can also make sure what she writes is completely supportive and paints you in the best light possible. I wouldn’t have mentioned her if I thought she might hurt you or make things worse. If a book is the route you want to go, Twilight’s the one we want writing it.”

“...I wanna talk to her first,” she said. “Before she starts thinking up questions.”

“Fair enough. Just let me know when you’re ready and we’ll approach her together.”

“Another idea for improving your reputation would be attending more events,” Fleur said. “You can’t keep skipping all the important holiday functions. As the captain of the guard, that’s simply unacceptable, vampony or not. The guard must have a presence among both the common ponies and the nobles, after all. Say what you will about Shining Armor, but he was very charismatic and both the nobles and the commoners adored him. Most are either indifferent about you or they fear you. You are going to start attending parties and festivals. Wear your armor and say you’re on duty if you must, but you are going to attend them. ”

Blossom sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fiiiine.”

Fleur nodded, then turned her gaze on me. “Your problem is… slightly different. To be blunt, most ponies consider you a violent, unpredictable barbarian.” Kat snorted.

“I’d say they got me pretty well nailed down,” I replied with a shrug.

All three replied at the same time. Kat said, “Nah.”

Blossom said, “Nope.”

Fleur said, “No.”

Once that was done, Kat started with, “You’re the best leader I’ve ever served with. You’re kind, caring, charismatic at times, quick thinking, and so much more. Everyone on your ship will happily follow you to the ends of the earth.” They already have, in fact.

Blossom was next. “Most ponies would have turned me in to the princesses for what I did, but all you did was offer me more blood. You made me realize that there’s no shame in what I am. You gave me a reason to care about myself, Nav.”

Fleur was wearing a small, knowing grin. “You gave me the strength to rebel against my lifestyle. All three of us could spend all night listing reasons why you’re more than just a violent, unpredictable barbarian, but I don’t think we have to. You know the truth, even if you like pretending you don’t. Now how do you think we should proceed, Nav?”

“...I’m gonna start by saying that all three of you are adorable.” Blossom snorted, Kat smoothed some of her facial fur, and Fleur giggled. “With that out of the way, I have a few ideas. The first is to buy a house, which is currently in the works. My accountant is in the process of finishing up the paperwork to buy Stormview Estate.”

Fleur’s eyebrows lifted. “I had no idea you were that well off, Nav. That makes things much easier. When are you going to have the party?”

“I’m gonna have two, actually. One unofficial one with all my actual friends and one official one that I was hoping you’d help plan.”

“I would be delighted to,” she said with a nod. “Do you know when the paperwork should be finalized?”

“With luck, I’ll be able to move in tomorrow. It turns out that the realtor has a thing for cute shy chicks, so she started macking on my accountant. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re doing all kinds of weird things to each other right now. So it might be a few days. Not really sure. If possible, I’d like you to work with one or two of my other friends so I won’t get a party that’s nothing but boring noble bullshit.” She lifted an eyebrow. “No offense to you, of course.”

“I’m sure. Well, I should be able to assist. We’ll have to have it less than a week after you move in. Otherwise, some powerful ponies might get the wrong idea. Snubbing certain nobles is a good way to find yourself on a permanent blacklist. Did you have any other ideas?”

“Watcher suggested I do a few newspaper interviews.”

“Perfect. That was one of my thoughts as well. Part of why your reputation is so negative is because of how you treated the press. There’s nothing quite as damaging to one’s image as threatening those who can print whatever they choose about you. Blossom and I ensured they would no longer print anything negative about you, but the damage was already done. You need to do a one-on-one face-to-face interview with at least one news agency to get information about you out there. You’re a national hero, Nav. This should have happened ages ago.”

“Yeah, well, it didn’t. That’s gonna be rectified, though.”

“Indeed. Did you have any other ideas?”

“I’m afraid not,” I said with a shrug. I did not at all like the grin that came over her face. “I think those two might do it, though.”

“I doubt it,” Blossom said. “You haven’t heard some of what the day guards have said about you.”

“And you haven’t seen what some nobles have planned for you,” Kat said. “It’s surprising how vocal they are in their private diaries…”

“You were almost murdered, Nav,” Fleur said. “Ponies are afraid of you. Whispers follow you wherever you go. What you suggested will likely be enough to ease suspicions. But if you ever want more, you’ll need to put some true effort into your reputation.”

“That isn’t a conclusion I’ve come to yet,” I said.

“But on the off chance it’s an avenue you choose to explore, you’ll need the best reputation possible. I have a few additional ideas that might help.”

“Anyone else?” I asked, looking at Kat and then Blossom. I didn’t like the grins I saw on their faces. I slowly lowered my face into my hands.

“It’s not that bad,” Fleur said. “Don’t be a foal.”

“The first one isn’t that bad,” Blossom quickly said. “They get progressively worse, though.”

“I knew you three would conspire against me,” I sighed, looking back up. “Alright, go ahead.”

“Do you know why you were made the lady of nature?” Fleur asked.

“I never thought about it. I guess all the cool ones were taken.” For some reason, Kat giggled.

“That would be incorrect,” Fleur said. “You were made the lady of nature because many of the ponies consider you barbaric, close to a wild animal. Or at least, that’s the reasoning my ex-husband and I decided was most likely. Princess Celestia fears your influence and power and wants to remind all of the ponies that you have more in relation to animals than you do with us. She wants your image as a barbaric warrior solidified so none of the ponies would ever trust you.”

“...That isn’t very nice of her,” I slowly replied.

“Indeed. Part of the reason we came to that conclusion is because she gave you the Everfree Forest, one of the last bastions of untamed wilds left in Equestria. There are many violent and dangerous things in that forest, after all. But do you know what else is there?”

“Trees?” Our vampire rolled her eyes.

“Beauty,” Fleur said. “Quite a lot of it, in fact. Lovely and odorous flowers, melodic birds, buzzing little bees, fluffy white clouds, and all manner of other wonderful things. That is the persona you need to portray, Nav. The good sides of nature, not the bad.”

“And I imagine you have a pretty good idea how to go about that, huh?”

I really didn’t like the grin on her face. “As a matter of fact, I do. Katrina, would you be a dear and go fetch what you’ve been working on?”

“Gladly,” my catgirl said, standing up. She walked out of the kitchen and down the hall.

“It’s surprising how dextrous her paws are,” Fleur said. “The gloves do hinder their utility somewhat, but we’re having better ones made at the moment.”

“You should see what they can do with knives,” I said. “And her rapier, for that matter. I’ve never seen someone bleed out that fast before.”

Fleur blanched slightly and Blossom snorted. “That’s another thing,” the captain said. “Stop randomly saying morbid things. That definitely doesn’t do you any favors.”

“Ugh. I’ll try, but I’ve been doing that all my life. No promises.”

“You’ll do it or else,” Blossom said, fixing me with her special eyes.

“You can’t tell me how to live my life, you’re not my real mom!”

“Don’t make me come over there!”

“Tch. Do it, bitch! Your mom called and said you wouldn’t!”

“And that’s another thing,” Fleur quickly said before Blossom could reply. “Instigating and provoking others for no or seemingly no reason. Also, saying things just to goad somepony into reacting.”

“Man, way to suck the life out of everything.”

“Hey, that’s my job,” Blossom said. “She can suck everything else out of you.”

“Later,” Fleur said.

I crossed my arms, leaned back, and sighed. “Fiiiine. I’ll try. But again, no guarantees.”

Before Blossom could threaten me again, Kat returned with her paws behind her back and a wide grin on her face. She walked over behind me and placed something on my head, then pawed me a mirror. “What do you think?” she asked as I beheld the flower crown she apparently made for me.

“...You guys seriously expect me to wear one of these?” I asked, taking the mirror. The flowers in it were all white ones, to match my hair. It didn’t look terrible, but it felt weird.

“Yes, we do,” Fleur said as Kat reclaimed her seat. “Katrina spent a lot of time and effort making that for you, so I expect you to wear it proudly. It proclaims you as the true Lady of Nature.”

“...Are you sure it doesn’t just proclaim me as a hippy?”

“You’re wearing it and that’s final,” Blossom said. “And we’re going to make you more of them, too. There are plenty of flowers growing at all times in Canterlot, so it shouldn’t be difficult to have several types. There are a few preservative spells Fleur can use to make them hold up for much longer.”

“What if I really don’t want to?” I asked.

“Then Katrina will use her sad kitty-cat face on you,” Fleur said. “Trust me when I say none of us want that.”

“I actually do kinda want that,” I said. “I haven’t seen it yet.”

Fleur sighed and rolled her eyes, then looked at my vassal. “Katrina?”

We all looked at Kat. She took a moment to compose herself, then opened her eyes super wide, frowned as hard as she could, puckered her lower lip slightly, and her eyes grew watery. “Y-you don’t like my g-gift, Navi?” she whimpered, her voice quivering. “I put all my heart into it!”

I watched her for a few moments before nodding. “I like it. I rate it… eight out of ten. You’re about on par with Taya, but nowhere near as good as a little filly in Ponyville.” Kat sighed and dropped her sad face. “That said, I do see the perks in reminding the ponies that there’s more to me than violence. But is this really the way to go about it? I mean, I may be a chick now, but I really don’t want to come across as super feminine or whatever.”

Of course, all three of them started smirking again. “The flower crown is step one,” Fleur said. “Step two is to get you more nature-oriented outfits, many of which were going to be dresses. But now that you have a tail, they’ll likely be skirts and blouses instead. Well, aside from a few longer dresses that the tail won’t make ride up too much. I believe distancing yourself from your masculinity might help in changing your reputation. Remember, most guards and warriors in Equestria are male. Most ladies are known for grace, poise, and beauty. Once the ponies start thinking of you more as a lady, your reputation will likely be better. Dressing the part is one of the best ways to do it.”

I hate everything right now. “So what’s step three?” I asked. “And for that matter, how many steps are there?”

“It’ll be a long process,” Fleur replied. “Step three is changing your outlook and attitude. You don’t have to actually change who you are, but you have to change how you act. Step four is being seen more in Canterlot. Like Captain Blossom, you need to attend more events and parties. Those two steps will get you more contacts and allies in Canterlot and beyond. It’ll make ponies fall into line more easily should… certain events come to pass.”

“I was planning on spending a little while in town anyway,” I replied. “I guess I can spend some time out and about in the town. I’ll definitely be walking around more; Taya’s going to be with me a lot more, since I no longer trust my anti-magic ring.”

“Then so will I,” Kat purred.

“‘Kay.”

“That’s the end of the steps, for now,” Fleur said. “But I do have one more thing in mind that all three of us agree would greatly help your image.”

“And what is that?” I asked. I assumed she meant getting in a relationship of some kind, especially if it was with another noble. That would help cement my standing in Canterlot, so to say.

“Compete in the Miss Universe pageant,” Fleur sweetly said. All three of them were looking at me with wide grins.

“Nah,” I immediately replied.

“Yeah,” Kat said with a nod.

“Nope,” I shot back.

“Yep,” Blossom said, placing a hoof on the table.

“No.”

“Yes,” Fleur said. “And you’re going to hear me out, even if it requires Blossom holding you down.” I looked over at the vampire, who seemed quite eager to do so. I sighed and looked back at Fleur. “Do you know what kind of… people I am seeking out for the Miss Universe pageant?” she asked.

“I’m gonna go with beautiful ones.”

“That’s merely a bonus,” she said. “I seek powerful females, preferably leaders. Princesses, dignitaries, scientists, warriors. I want to showcase all aspects of feminine strength. This is no mere beauty pageant, Nav. This contest pits some of the most powerful females in the world against each other. The goal is to empower females, not fluff them up as mindless objects of beauty. It would be the perfect opportunity to show off how much you’ve changed. You can prove to the entire world that you’re not a barbarian.”

“Yeah, but… I don’t wanna.”

“Oh, well I guess that’s that, then,” Fleur said, shrugging.

“...Really?”

“Psh, no. Nav, this is an amazing opportunity in a number of ways. You can show off human culture, you can show off your non-lethal skills, you can get tons of free positive press, and you can show off your leadership skills. Everypony knows the pageant was your idea, too, so if you don’t even participate, it could put the entire event at risk.”

“Simple. I can just be a judge.”

“I’m your vassal,” Kat said. “Kumani’s your ex. You also know Princess Gilda already. No one would trust you to be impartial.”

“I could be… I dunno, an organizer.”

“We’re already fully staffed,” Fleur said.

“I could be a guard, in case anything happens.”

“Already taken care of,” Blossom said.

“I could—”

“Compete,” Fleur finished for me. “You could compete.”

“...I could think about it,” I very quietly replied.

“I believe it would be the best chance you have for repairing your image,” Fleur said with a nod. “You don’t even have to win, just prove that you’re more than a barbarian.”

“And no one would be bothered in the least by the fact that I used to be a guy?”

“Quite the opposite,” Fleur said. “Ponies believe in things that are, not things that were. You were male. You are female. I’ve heard several that were very curious about why it took you so long to give in to it. Competing would prove once and for all that you can live in the present instead of the past. Winning might upset some of the contestants and races, but it would still do more good for your reputation than ill. Another point that you should consider is that you could befriend all of the other contestants, so they spread the word among the various other races what kind of being you truly are. Given that all of the females are in various positions of power, it would greatly assist your image all over the globe.”

“...Fleur, are you trying to do this to me just so you can watch me suffer?”

The smile on her face turned sickly sweet. “No, Navi. We’re doing this for you because we love you. We want you to succeed, and we believe this is the best way. We want to help you overcome your suffering so you can better yourself. Friends don’t like watching other friends suffer, Nav. We might occasionally poke light at what you go through, but it still hurts us just as much as it hurts you. If you choose to go through with our plans, we’ll be there to support you every step of the way. As will all the rest of your friends, of course.”

“Doppel would love it,” Kat said. “She’s been learning a lot from Rarity about fashion, ever since she gave up wearing that maid outfit. She never learned how to make anything, but she’s been looking forward to dressing you up.”

“Once the pageant officially begins, all contestants will be assigned two bodyguards. Ever since that was announced, ponies have been requesting permission to guard you,” Blossom said. “All of them assumed you would be participating. I haven’t told any of them that you aren’t yet, because… Well, I also assumed you would be. Some of them would feel kinda let down if you didn’t.”

“...Yourself included, I take it.”

“What Fleur said is true… Navi. We care about you. You’ve been there for us every time we needed your help. We’re trying to help you become better, and if you choose not to do as we ask, it’s like saying you don’t trust us.”

“We’re all indebted to you, my lady,” Kat said. “This is our way of paying you back.”

“We didn’t conspire against you, Navi,” Fleur said. “We got together in our own free time, which is very limited I might add, and brainstormed ways to help you. It’s the same thing you’d do for any of us.”

“Except you’d actually do it to watch us suffer,” Blossom said.

“Seems silly of you to help me, then,” I replied.

She shrugged. “Maybe I’m also a little bit sadistic.”

“What female isn’t?” Kat asked. “The female assassins I worked with were the worst. I’m actually tame in comparison to some of them.”

“Anyway,” Fleur interjected. “Part of what we brainstormed is ways to help you cope with what we’re suggesting. We know it’ll be hard on you, so we’ve made plans to make things go as smoothly as possible. You won’t be alone.”

“You’re asking a lot…”

“I know, Nav. But I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I thought you couldn’t do. You’re one of the strongest beings I’ve ever known. I know you can do anything.”

“I would complain.”

“I’m a good listener,” Blossom said. All three of us looked at her and she shrugged. “I didn’t like showing my fangs off for a while, so I did a lot more listening than talking.”

“I’ve heard many deathbed confessions,” Kat said and our gazes turned to her next. “It’s amazing what people are willing to reveal when they’re on the edge of oblivion.”

“And stallions who need comfort are happy to talk when they receive it,” Fleur said. “That’s part of how I know so many secrets. We’ll be happy to listen to whatever you have to say, Nav.”

I sighed again and hung my head. “...I really don’t wanna.”

Fleur stood up and walked around the table to me. She used a hoof to lift my face up to look her in the eye. “Will you, Nav? For me?”

I didn’t hear it, but Kat also stood and placed her gloved paws on my shoulders. “Will you do it for me?” she asked, pressing the rest of her body against my chair.

Blossom burst into smoke and floated over to me, then reappeared sitting in my lap. “Will you do it for me, Navi?” she sweetly asked before nuzzling my cheek.

“I’ll… I…” My eyes looked away from Fleur and I think some dust may have gotten in them, because they seemed to water up a little. “I’ll do it… for my friends,” I quietly replied.

They all hugged me.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-One

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-One

Once all the cutesie shit was done and we were all sitting at the table again, Fleur took a moment to sip at her tea before saying, “What next, Navarone?”

I stared at her for a moment before lifting my laptop bag and placing it on the table. “What time is it?”

“Late enough for Celestia to be asleep,” Blossom replied.

“Let me just rest my eyes for a moment to check…” I placed my head on the table and entered the world of dreams, where I quickly found Celestia’s dream. Once I had it in my sights, I woke back up. “Looks like you’re right. Our dear princess is asleep.”

“Killing her would be easy,” Kat said. “Her entire palace is open. She’s flaunting her wealth.”

“It’s a show,” Blossom said. “Assassinating Princess Celestia would be nearly impossible. The peytral she wears around her neck detects and cures poisons. Ever since Nav showed her what his crossbow can do, she built an auto-teleporting enchantment into one of her shoes that goes off if something small unexpectedly penetrates an invisible bubble around herself. Her crown cuts through invisibility effects if they’re close enough. Until the past few months, I was in charge of the guards around her. After Luna disappeared, Celestia took over her own guard and started filling it with stallions I’ve never heard of. Guards with no records, no personalities, and no lives. Guards who serve only Princess Celestia, and are very happy to inform you of that. Even if you get around all of her defenses, you still have to contend with her, and she’s no walk in the park. She’s spent six thousand years preparing for someone to kill her. Now that Nav’s shown her how easy it can be, she’s making up for lost time.”

“Killing Celestia is not what we want to do,” I said. “I don’t like planning for failure.”

“Who’s this we?” Kat asked, looking at me with her pretty little eyes. “I see no reason not to kill her. After what she’s done to you, I’d say it’s only fair.”

“I find myself agreeing with Katrina,” Fleur slowly said. “The nobility has been wary of Celestia for a very long time for very good reasons. Ponies who ask the wrong questions have a habit of… dying horrible deaths.”

“Ask Watcher about his military history,” Blossom said. “The vast majority of it has been silencing those who question Princess Celestia. The fifteen stallions and mares you command have murdered untold numbers of ponies, Nav. Celestia is very particular about her status quo. Those who step outside of it are usually dealt with.”

“Poorly, as it happens,” I sighed. “She’s not popular with the rest of the world. The griffins hate her, the dragons really fucking hate her, the changelings were at war with her, and she’s cut the rest of the world out so much we don’t really know who else is out there.”

“Killing her might be the best case scenario,” Fleur said. She and Blossom both seemed to stiffen up when she said that. When nothing happened for a moment, they relaxed. “I… I thought she might… Oh dear…”

Blossom shivered. “We’re taught that Princess Celestia is our eternal protector and guide in the dangerous world. Our… sun, in some ways. Everypony looks up to her.”

“And those who don’t…?” Kat asked.

“Are to be expunged,” Blossom coldly replied, staring at me. “You don’t know what it’s like, Nav. Not really. You didn’t grow up like this, with her always… there. She’s… she’s everything to us!”

“Everything and all-powerful,” Fleur said with a nod. “There has never been a doubt in anypony’s mind who the most powerful pony on the planet was.”

“Alright, let’s take a moment,” I said. “It’s important that we all know what we want out of this. What exactly our goals are. Can we agree on that?”

Kat finally took the teacup in front of her and sipped at it. “My goal is to support you, my lady.” Way to be useless.

“I want to replace Princess Celestia with you,” Blossom said with a nod. At least someone knows how to put her cards on the table.

Fleur eyed Blossom for a moment before turning her gaze to me. “...You first,” she said. And I guess the ball’s back in my court.

“Discord is waiting and watching. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I know it’s capable of manipulating events in such a way that it causes huge extinctions. It uses agents like Celestia to sow misery in the world, keeping events constantly churning so it keeps power. Discord put her in place six thousand years ago before she imprisoned him in stone. Part of what I’m doing in the world is making peace everywhere I go, trying to undo all the little catastrophes that are just waiting to happen. I know I’m doing something right, because he tried ordering Pyrite to kill me. My goal is to kill Discord.”

“If he put Celestia in charge, it sounds like Celestia needs to die,” Kat said.

“...I don’t understand,” Blossom said. “He put Celestia in charge, but… she made all of her ponies be as harmonious as possible. Wouldn’t that hurt Discord?”

“Celestia made her ponies be harmonious to each other. But what about all the other races? There’s no war quite like a race war. Good ol’ fashioned us versus them. Predator versus prey. Pony versus griffin, changeling, minotaur? He made Celestia knowing she’d be the perfect weapon for a disharmonic world. She created an extremely powerful nation that knows nothing about anything around them. You ponies can’t survive without magic to influence the land. You can’t even let the fucking weather handle itself. Every single thing is given to you guys and all you have to do is whatever Celestia tells you. What do you think is gonna happen if he just snaps his fingers one day and Celestia’s gone? Suddenly you’re surrounded by a world full of enemies who despise you and you have no idea why and no way of protecting yourselves.”

“It would be chaos,” Fleur whispered, her eyes going wide.

“The last time Discord really reared his head was to kill the Alicorn Empire,” I said. “His magic let him tear an alicorn into three. One side became the earth ponies. One side became the unicorns. One side became the pegasi. He turned some of the others into changelings. The rest, he just let watch as their beautiful, harmonious lives slipped away into pure insanity. And he’s free. Killing Celestia isn’t our highest priority. Dealing with this thing is.”

“You said Discord put Celestia in charge,” Fleur said. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“I found a history book that explained it,” I said. “In an old pocket dimension inhabited by an ornery old human.”

“Athena?” Kat asked.

“Tch, who else? I think the book may have been written by Chrysalis or Reginald, who were also there when Discord was defeated the last time. Discord gave Celestia the tools to defeat him, the so-called Elements of Harmony. She and Luna used them to seal him in stone, but not before he made her promise to guide the ponies well. That ended the Alicorn cycle and started the next cycle. Now that the ponies have cemented their supremacy, it looks like he’s free and running amok again.”

“And Celestia is aware of this?” Blossom slowly asked.

“Oh yeah. The last few times I really spoke to her, she asked if I would be interested in joining her and Chrysalis on a retreat. Forever. Celestia knows Discord is here and she wants to run.”

“...I don’t blame her,” Kat said.

“But it’s exactly what Discord needs,” I said. “If Celestia bows out for any reason right now, be it death or fear, he’ll have free rein to do whatever he wants.”

“What a wonderfully weird world,” Fleur slowly said, her eyes meeting mine and holding them. “A wonderfully weird world where a human, the race you told me first created Discord, is here just in time for Discord to rear his head again.”

“...We’re being open, blunt, and upfront at this table,” I said. “If you have something to say, say it.”

“Where did you really come from, Nav?”

“A spell in a book that Twilight swears up and down went missing. I asked her to show it to me and she couldn’t. I’ll tell you right here and right now that I am not a real human. I do not have a soul. I am entirely a magical construct. I went back in time and met myself and it was… horrifying.”

“I think Discord made you,” Fleur said.

“I think so, too,” I replied. All of them seemed taken aback by that. “Which is why I’m here, now. Which is why I’m being open and upfront. Which is why I’m trying to be completely transparent. I think Discord made me and I have no idea why. If you guys have any clue, by all means, tell me.”

Blossom leaned in a little closer. “Are you… you’re not… are you Discord?”

“I’m very much my own person,” I said, booping her on the nose. “I have all the memories of a life before the humans died out. I’ve gotten a few hints that the first extinction cycle was caused by Discord trying to kill himself. As far as he knew, the only way for him to do so was for all disharmony in the world to stop. So he killed everyone. Or tried to. Apparently reality warped when so many souls died all at once and things became… malleable. That’s when the person I was, Doctor Anonymous, worked with the other survivors to create the race of the elementals. They were made to guide the races that were to come and defend those races against Discord. The humans designed the elementals with too many flaws. Discord saw a chance to manipulate some of them and he took it, plunging the world into war again. After that, things start getting fuzzy. Some unknown but great amount of time passed between then and now. There are a few human-made installations here and there in the world with some answers and I’m making plans to go to another one soon. But here and now, I’m putting everything on the table. You all know that I think I was made by Discord. You all know that I want to stop him. You all know Celestia was put in power by him. What do you think we should do?”

“I have no opinions,” Kat said with a shrug. “I am yours to command.”

“...He put Celestia in power for a reason,” Blossom said. “If what you’re saying is true, we need to replace her.”

“You still haven’t told us how you plan to stop Discord, Nav.” Fleur said.

“Fleur… I just told you that Discord literally created me. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t have a plan. For all I know, he could just decide on a whim to make me not exist anymore. All I’m doing is passing time, waiting for him to make a move. I have no idea what the fuck to do. I am completely horrified.” And so, it seemed, were they. Or at least, Blossom and Fleur were. Kat was just sipping at her tea.

“So you’re saying a demonic entity that lives solely to cause harm is out in the world right now. You don’t have a plan, Celestia wants to run, it ordered the dragon king around, and you don’t know of any way to stop it?” Blossom asked.

“And you want us to come up with plans,” Fleur slowly said.

“Yes, that’s what I’m telling you,” I said. “The only thing that I can think of that might kill him is total world peace. That’s why I approached Fleur and asked her if she’d be my empress. If push came to shove, I would be willing to overthrow Celestia and force the ponies into peace with the rest of the world. But I don’t know if that’ll do the trick or not.”

“...What do you know of this Discord?” Kat asked. “What is it, really? What does it want?”

I looked at Fleur. “What’s magic?”

She blinked, then went crosseyed to look at her horn for a moment before looking back at me in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“In the most basic, elementary way possible, what is magic? What makes it work?”

“Um.” She used magic to lift the cup in front of me. “It’s… belief. I believe the cup will float and I enforce my will on it until it does.” She set the cup back on its saucer.

“As far as I can tell, Discord is some kind of magical entity that thrives on… Well, discord. The belief in discord fuels him. Violence and strife gives it power. The world goes in cycles of calm to turbulent. It uses up all of its power in the turbulent periods and then goes dormant until the active periods. It just so happens that we lucked out and have some forewarning of it this time.”

Fleur tapped her horn gently before looking at me. “Nav, tell me the sky is green.”

“The sky is green.” Her horn lit up and she sighed. “I’m not lying, Fleur.”

“You’ve said a lot of far-fetched things,” she sighed, laying her head on the table. “I was just really hoping…”

“Yeah, fucking tell me about it,” I replied.

“...So she’s telling the truth?” Blossom asked. Fleur sighed again before covering her face with her hooves. “Well then. The obvious answer is to fight it, but if it feeds on fighting, that would just make it stronger.”

“That’s what the other cycles chose,” I said. “They chose to try to fight it and they ended up dying horrible deaths.”

“If there’s a magical spirit of chaos and disharmony, do you think there’s a corresponding spirit of life and harmony?” Fleur asked. “Or any other powerful entities we might be able to approach for help?”

“I got to meet the god of death,” I said. “Pretty nice guy, actually. Promised me an eternity of misery, though. He really hates Discord, but he didn’t say why. He did give me a tip, though.”

“Which was what, exactly?” Fleur asked.

“I’m a soulless human vessel. While I was in Antarctica, I found a haunted human bunker and picked up a hitchhiker. She’s attached to my neck by a spooky ghost chain. When I go to Tartarus, I’m gonna find Grogar the lich and ask him to force her soul into my body so Discord can’t just snap his fingers and kill me again.”

Blossom’s lips moved in a way that looked very much like ‘what the fuck’. When that was done, she asked, “And… what exactly will that do to you?”

“Man, I have no fucking clue. But half my personality’s already been overwritten anyway, so what the fuck ever, I guess.”

“Wait, what?” Fleur said.

“I’m pretty sure the elemental I found started overwriting some of my personality to become more like what she wanted,” I said with a shrug. “I think she killed a part of me and I don’t think I’ll ever be who I once was.”

“Nav… You realize that everything you’re saying makes me really want to hug you, right?” Fleur asked.

“I’m sitting right here,” I said, leaning back in my chair and opening up my arms. She didn’t move.

“Cascade said that’s not likely,” Kat said. “It’s possible that Flo did something to you, but not likely. She’d be happy to enter your mind and tell you for sure, though.”

“Twilight’s gonna help me out with that little problem,” I said. “I don’t think I want another elemental in me until Twilight’s done her thing.”

“Seems kinda pointless to even discuss the pageant, now,” Blossom sighed. “If everything’s going to Tartarus soon, what will it matter?”

“That’s planning for failure,” I said, reaching over to boop her nose again. Her eyes narrowed very slightly. “Living our lives in despair, just waiting for the end, fixes nothing. Be active, be happy, inspire peace. Everything we do now has a chance of weakening Discord when it comes time to finally face him. And also be thinking, because having some kind of plan would be good and I can’t do this alone.”

“...Should we keep you informed of any plans?” Fleur asked. “Discord created you. He may well be watching you. Anything we tell you is something he can discover.”

“If you wanna cut me out, I understand,” I said. “The three of you can hopefully come up with something.”

“The two of them,” Kat said. “If they do not trust you, I do not trust them.”

“I’m sticking with Nav as well,” Blossom said. “If Discord created Nav, then there has to be something good in it. And if Nav has any chance of freeing herself of its control, we have to help her reach it.”

“It was just a question,” Fleur indignantly replied. “With such a powerful entity, caution seems wise.”

“I’m gonna let you guys call the shots on this one,” I said. “I’m pretty much along for the ride. I’ll help you however I can, but I think it’s best that you guys come up with the ideas. At least, until I get my soul.”

“A water elemental could emulate a soul,” Kat said, her eyes turning blue. “You said that you lost yourself anyway and you seem to be willing to do whatever it takes to stop Discord. If you let a water elemental truly change you, you might stand a better chance.”

“...I’m gonna do some soul searching before I agree to that one,” I said.

“I think we could all do with a little of that,” Fleur sighed. “We’ve talked about a lot and we haven’t really come up with anything. Perhaps we should adjourn for the evening and call it a night…?”

I was good to go all night, but I knew Blossom probably had to get to work and Fleur was likely tired from all she had been through. “I want to show all of you something, first,” I said. “I told you I’d deliver proof that Celestia was lying. I did.” I pulled the laptop out of the bag and opened it up. The thing booted immediately and the last thing I had opened appeared. It was really kinky porn to give Twilight some ideas, so I closed it and found myself looking at a projection of the true solar system. “I hope you guys like math....”

Fleur’s head hit the table with a groan.

I returned to the ship early the next morning and found my adorable, loving daughter rolling around on my bed in glee. The door was open so she didn’t notice me at first. That let me remove the flower crown before she could see it and make fun of me. It took her a few minutes to open her eyes and notice me standing over her. When she finally saw me, her dopey grin took something of a cruel dip and she hopped off the bed. “Good morning, mommy. You look… radiant today! Is it because of a certain date with Miss Twilight Sparkle?”

“Taya, you devious little shit.”

She leaned back and lifted a hoof to her chest. “Don’t hurt my feelings, mommy,” she sarcastically replied. “I just love you ever-so-much and I want the best for you!”

“You’re a little pain in my ass, is what you are,” I replied, crossing my arms.

“You can’t really be that upset if you’re smiling, mommy!” It took me a moment to realize that what she said was true. “I thought you wanted me to do what I think is best for you! I seem to recall you saying you love me and everything I do for you!”

“Oh, I do,” I said. “I love you and I want what’s best for you, too. So I’m gonna find you a coltfriend.” Her ears shot straight up. “Oh, and he’s gonna be a charmer, too. He’ll leave you all cute and flustered and speechless. I’m gonna love it.”

Her ears twitched a few times before returning to normal. “I don’t think you’d wanna share me, mommy. And your hands might be too full with your new special somepony to focus on me.”

“Oh, your happiness will be worth it,” I said. “The cute, dopey expression on your face when he calls you his mare will be a nice bonus.”

“Maybe,” she said with a shrug. “But I bet you’ll work with Twilight to find me a special somepony. The more time you spend with her, the more time you have to realize you two were made for each other!”

“Taya, you are getting awful close to snuggle territory,” I said. “You’re being super cute right now and I might not be able to help myself for much longer.”

“Why, mommy, why would I ever want to stop, then? I’ll be cute all day and night if it means snuggles!”

“That’s it, you asked for this!” She teleported onto the bed and held out her legs to hug me as I approached. She accepted her cuddles like the good little girl she was and cooed ever-so-sweetly as I rubbed her belly.

It was a much needed break after what I went through the night before.

We were interrupted some time later by a throat being cleared at the door. I looked up to behold Gourd. “Welcome back, Nav,” he said with a nod. “I’m quite looking forward to that talk you promised me.”

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

“Oh? I bet Taya does. I definitely told her about the contracts.”

“He sure did, mommy!” my loving daughter said. “I’m happy you’re finally gonna tell your friends about your problems, too. It’s about time you let them help you!”

“Well, it can wait. I’m busy right now.”

“I think I’m snuggled out, actually,” Taya said, hopping out of my arms. “I’ll see you later, mommy!” She trotted out, a wide grin her her face. Gourd entered the room behind her, wearing his own big ol’ shit-eating grin. He used magic to pull the door shut behind him.

“So how was your trip?” he asked. “I see you got a new tail.”

“Shitty. So how do you want to torture me today, hm?”

“I’m not torturing you, Nav,” he sighed. “I’m trying to help you. You aren’t happy, but you’re pretending to be. I want to know why.”

“Because if you pretend to be something long enough, it just might come true,” I said.

“...Maybe. But if you become something you hate, is it worth it? I think answering that question is important. Since you don’t have much of a choice, you might as well play along.”

“You are so bossy,” I sighed, sitting up. “Fine, whatever. I’ll let you pick what we talk about today, but you only get one!”

“I wanted to ask why you hate being stared at,” he said. “I never understood your obsession with being… out of sight.”

“I was raised to believe that children are supposed to be out of sight and quiet. I guess I never broke the habit. Now, out you go.”

He didn’t move, of course. “There’s gotta be more to it than that.”

“Says who?” I asked. “Just because you want there to be more to it doesn’t mean there is.”

“...Is there more to it?” he asked.

“Of course not.” His horn lit up. We both looked at it for a moment before our eyes met again. “Is that your Gourd signal?”

“No, it’s my bullshit detector. This would be much easier and go a lot faster if you just told me the truth.”

“It would be even easier and faster if you’d just drop it.”

He sat on the floor. “Well, that’s not gonna happen. So what else is there to it, Navi?”

“Ugh. Can’t we just fuck instead?”

“I won’t say no to sex, but after we finish, we’d be right back to talking about why you hate being stared at.”

God dammit. “I’m very short for a human. Most of the time people stared at me, it was because they were thinking of ways to make fun of me. I’m also really introverted and hate having to talk to people. Being stared at and making eye contact is part of that. Most of the reason the ponies stare at me is because I’m different and it always feels like I’m on display because of it. Especially after Luna did that bullshit with the dream machine where everyone had sex dreams about me. Now it feels like everywhere I go, all eyes are on me, waiting for me to do something entertaining or something fucked up and I hate being part of the god damn freak show.”

“Nav, ponies respect you. You’re an Equestrian hero.”

“Ponies fear me, Gourd. Big difference.”

“...We respect you. Why does it matter what all the others think?”

“Because I don’t want to be an object of fear. I don’t like being in the public eye. I hate being in newspapers. I just want to go back to being a fucking nobody. I hate the fact that everything I do is broadcast all over the place, because every time I fuck up, everyone and their mother finds out about it. I can’t even go to a restaurant without people making a big deal about it!”

“You’re different and you’re special,” Gourd said. “That’s always going to attract attention, no matter where you go.”

“Which is why I don’t even know why we’re bothering to talk about this. I can’t help what I like and what I don’t and this won’t change anything.”

“It helps me understand, Nav,” he said. “That’s important to me. I’m hoping that as I come to understand you more, I’ll be able to help you. I’m not sure if that’ll be by helping you cope with the things you hate or by helping you avoid the things you hate. Right now, I’m just hoping you’ll let me really get to know you.”

“Even though I don’t want you to?”

“Yes. I have a feeling it will be good for both of us. I also have a feeling that you know it’ll be good for both of us and you’re just being stubborn.”

“Nah, I think you’re wasting our time.” His horn lit up. “Oh come on!”

He smirked. “Do you think you would mind the staring as much if they were watching you out of respect instead of fear? Because I think it’s possible to turn your reputation around, if you really want.”

“I don’t like being stared at period. I wouldn’t like it even if it was ten guys getting ready to run a train on me. I am working on turning my reputation around. All I think that’ll do is change the nature of the stares, which still isn’t what I want. I would love to just be another face in the crowd. But now that I’m competing in Fleur’s stupid Miss Universe bullshit, that’ll never happen.”

“You’re… competing in a beauty pageant?”

“Yes. And I don’t need any smartass replies. I already hate myself for agreeing.”

“...I wasn’t going to make any. I’m proud of you, Nav. And I’m happy for you. Everyone on the ship’s gonna be rooting for you, I know it.”

“Tch, whatever. It’s just more fucking bullshit that I have to deal with. And it’ll mean more people staring at me, which is just fucking wonderful.”

“This will be good for you, Nav. In a lot of ways. The best part is, when you win, I’ll be able to say I’ve slept with the most beautiful female in the world!”

“Go fuck yourself with a rake, Gourd.” He snickered. “Trust me when I say that I am in no way beautiful. I’m not in this contest to win, I’m in it to prove to the ponies that I’m not a ‘violent, unpredictable barbarian’, as Fleur put it. I’m gonna do my best to lose gracefully.”

“I see. And what does Fleur think about that?”

“She doesn’t know yet. She might root on me to win, she might not. It doesn’t really matter to me, either way. I’m only competing because she twisted my arm into it.”

“Hm. And does Taya know you’re going to bomb the competition yet?”

“Taya doesn’t even know I’m competing yet. I wasn’t planning on telling her at all, actually. I definitely wouldn’t tell her that I was going to blow it on purpose, because I have a feeling she would make me suffer.”

“Interesting… You know, there’s a spell that turns you into a pony. Have you ever considered using it to blend in with crowds?”

“Yes. It doesn’t work. Unfortunately, the spell seems to turn me into an extremely attractive version of everything. So I still end up sticking out.”

“You could wear a bag over your head.”

“Then I’ll be the weirdo with a bag over her head and people will still stare at me.”

“They’ll be staring at the bag, not at you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Point is, I’m not doing that. The stares are here to stay. If anything, they’re getting worse over time, as my body changes more and more.”

“Well… If it makes you feel any better, the tail makes your ass look much nicer.”

“It actually does, a little. At least someone thinks my hideously deformed body is attractive. So are you done torturing me yet?”

“I never even started. Would you like for me to?”

“I wouldn’t mind if you stopped pretending like you were doing me a favor by forcing me to do something I hate.”

“No can do, my lady. Let me just check to make sure I understand correctly. You don’t like being stared at because you think everyone is judging you for every little thing you do, both good and bad, and you’re worried about what they think even though you pretend you don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

“Yeah, sounds about right. Now get the fuck out.”

“As you wish.” He stood again and turned to the door, but stopped before he could leave. “Before I go, would you like to—”

“No.”

“...Of course, my lady.” He finished leaving and I sighed in relief. When I couldn’t hear his hoofsteps anymore, I put on some heavier clothes, then wandered down to Spike’s room. His door was closed, so I knocked. He opened it a few seconds later, wearing nothing but a grin.

“Howdy, Nav.”

“Hello. Wanna go see Reginald real quick?”

“I mean… not really.”

“Well, I’m gonna go see Reginald real quick. You’re welcome to come with me if you want. I think he would appreciate it and I’m sure you have some stuff to talk to him about.”

He sighed. “I guess. Are we bringing anyone else?”

“No, it’ll just be us. Ready?”

“Yeah.” We walked up to the deck and jumped over the side. Even with the extra layers, it was still cold as shit and I kinda found myself wishing I could just cuddle up in Spike’s strong, warm arms. Then I realized how gay that was and decided the cold wasn’t too bad, all things told.

It didn’t take us too terribly long to get to Reginald’s cave. The great wyrm was actually sitting outside, watching the skies. It looked like he smiled when he saw us, but the smile was gone when we finally landed. “Hello again, my friends,” he said with a nod.

“You sure about that?” I asked. “Leaving me to Pyrite’s lack of mercy wasn’t all that friendly. Neither was sending me to Bahamut without any information.”

“I’m afraid I have no control over what Pyrite does,” he rumbled. “And you decided to go to Bahamut’s mountain.”

“Bahamut almost turned me into a breeding sow and Pyrite literally tortured me. If you had just given me all the information I needed, I could have gotten into and out of Iceland without any trouble at all!”

“And everything would have been the same,” he said. “You are a being of change, Navarone. I knew when you went to my homeland, you would make things better. But I knew the only way for that to happen is if you didn’t know what to avoid. I knew that sending you there with the least amount of information would result in greater numbers of changes.”

“So you used me.”

“Yes, I did. I ask that you forgive me. I only wanted what was best for my species, and I knew your intervention would likely result in that.”

“I’m not a fan of being used, Reginald.”

“Not many are.”

“I’m also not a fan of being tortured.”

“...Again, not many are. I was not expecting Pyrite’s reaction to you. I also wasn’t expecting you to cure his mind. All of dragonkind owes you a debt of gratitude, Navarone. Pyrite did you a disservice. If it is any recompense, I plan to leave you and Spike the entirety of my hoard.” Spike gasped. “With Luna out of power, my place is no longer here. I am going to return to Iceland and catch up on events, then return to Pyrite’s service. It would take too long to move everything and it does no one any good sitting alone and collecting dust in this cave. I hope that it will go some way toward making amends for my actions against you, Nav.”

“Did you really love Luna?”

He blinked and his mouth clicked shut. “That is… not a question I expected from you.”

“Oh. Is it a question you’re gonna answer?”

“I greatly admired Luna. She became my closest friend. There were occasions when I believe we both longed for more, but… those occasions never overlapped. Not that it would have mattered. Celestia would never have allowed it.”

“Luna told me how much you meant to her,” I said. “And she told me that the only reason Celestia was willing to help the two of you escape is because Luna promised never to interfere with the dragons again and to stop spending nearly as much time with you.”

“...I see. That is something Luna never made known to me. However, I expected something of that nature had occurred.”

“Luna also told me that was a significant part of what drove her to become Nightmare Moon.” Spike gasped again. “She missed you. A lot.”

“And I missed her. I’m afraid it’s a moot point now, though. She is imprisoned somewhere and Celestia will not tell me where. I would very dearly like to speak to her to learn the truth of what you claim she did to you, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance.”

“She’s in Mount Oberon, guarding the exit of Tartarus,” I said. “And she abdicated her throne, so Celestia no longer has a say in what Luna does or who she associates with. You could go see her right now, if you wanted.”

He slowly stood and stretched his wings. “Then that is where I will go. Thank you for this information, Navarone. I have a feeling that our paths will cross again.” Before I could reply, he jumped into the air and then soared off, buffeting Spike and I with wind. So much for asking about Spike’s mom.

“How did you know where Luna was?” Spike asked.

“She told me. Let’s go back to the ship and get them to fly over here to load up this treasure.”

“Can… can I wait here? I wanna see it!”

“Sure, I guess. But don’t go crazy and get huge.”

“I’m not! I was gonna give you my share anyway. I didn’t do anything to earn it… I just wanna, you know, look at it first.”

“Whatever, man. I’m gonna go get the ship. I’ll probably see if Rarity’s home on the way over and get her to modify some of my clothes to fit around this stupid fucking tail.”

“Have fun!” I snorted and took off, flying back to Canterlot. By the time I got in the air, Reginald was already out of sight.

Canterlot wasn’t too terribly far away, so it didn’t take me long to land back on the ship. The deck was still abandoned, so I went down to Gourd’s room. He wasn’t there, so I went back up to the meeting room. He and Watcher were working on something in there. “I need the ship to do something,” I said.

“What’s that?” Gourd asked.

“Spike and I just went to talk to Reginald. He bequeathed his entire hoard to me. It’s quite a lot of stuff. I’m gonna need the ship to move it to the bank.”

“...How much treasure we talkin’?” Gourd asked.

“Enough that everyone on the ship’s getting a share,” I replied. “I’ll take what I just used to buy a house and split the rest up among everyone else. You guys get to decide who gets what. We’re going to take some time before Tartarus. Everyone’s about to get all the money they need to enjoy that time while they have it.”

“Sure that’s a good idea?” Watcher asked. “My soldiers are loyal, but that much money might make a few of them wonder why going to Tartarus is worth it.”

“Anyone who wants to stay behind is free to,” I said. “We’re trying to save the entire world from a fate that might possibly be worse than death. If we fail, all that money’s gonna be worthless anyway. Let them know that before anyone decides to jump ship.”

“What about Twilight and her friends?” Gourd asked.

“They’re members of this ship,” I said. “They’re getting shares, too. Way I figure, it’s about time they get rewarded for being the saviors of the realm.”

“What have they really even done?” Gourd asked. “I thought you were Equestria’s big hero.”

“Well, they supposedly stopped Nightmare Moon,” I said with a shrug. “And they’re the Elements of Harmony or whatever, so I guess they’re important somehow. I dunno. Point is, this is enough money that six more shares won’t change much.”

“I’ll send a runner to pick up the crew that isn’t on the ship,” Gourd said. “If it’s that much gold, we’ll need some help moving it.”

“I’ll see about finding some of my guards to lend a hoof,” Watcher said.

“I’m gonna ride with you guys to Ponyville, then stop at Rarity’s place to see if she can modify some of my clothes,” I said. “Not much fits around this stupid fucking tail.”

“If it makes you feel better, it makes your butt look nicer,” Watcher said.

“So I’ve heard,” I sighed. “Let me know when we’re underway.” With that, I went back to my room, where Taya was once again wrapped up in my blanket and reading a spellbook.

“So how was your talk, mommy?” she happily asked when she saw me enter.

“You know what we haven’t done in a while?” I asked. Her head tilted. “Exercises.” Her ears dropped flat against her head. “Let’s head to the deck, shall we?”

“B-but… it’s cold out there!”

“Good thing you have that magic that lets you warm both of us up. Let’s go.”

“But I don’t wanna!”

“Too bad. You’re gonna exercise or… or no more snuggles for a week!” She gasped in horror and immediately jumped out of the bed and galloped out the door.

I nodded and followed her to the deck, a grin on my face.

When we got to Miniature Horseville, Amber was nice enough to help me transport a good chunk of my clothes to Rarity’s house. As soon as we got to the ground, all the citizens of Ponyville stared at me in wonder. I don’t think any had seen me since I got my demon wing or dragon tail, so I looked pretty different.

I knocked on Rarity’s door with Amber standing pressed up against me, a smile on her face. Sweetie Belle answered a few moments later and grinned when she saw me. “Nav!” She hopped forward and hugged me. Since I’m trying to be less of a shitty person, I hugged her back despite the fact that all her white fur was going to get all over my black shirt.

“Howdy, Sweetie Belle,” I said.

“How long are you gonna be in town?” she asked when she let me go and stood back.

“In Ponyville, not too long this time. I’ll be in Canterlot for a while and I do plan on coming to Ponyville periodically, though.”

“Ooh, will you and Taya have time to hang out?”

“Yeah, probably. I don’t reckon Rarity’s in, is she? I need her help with something.”

“Yep! Come on in.” She led the way in and Amber and I followed. I pushed the door closed to keep the warm air in. “RARITY!” No reply. “Ugh. I’ll go find her.” She trotted off, further into the house.

“That filly’s got a set of lungs on her,” Amber quietly said when she was gone.

“Yep. Her special talent is singing, too.”

“Hm.” A light blush came over her face. “Rarity makes all kinds of clothes, right? Even… risque ones?”

“She sure does,” I said with a nod. “You have something in mind?”

“Well… I was thinking of asking her to make me something for… someone special. A gift. Do you think she would?”

“Yeah. You’d probably need to pay her, though. Do you want to commission it before we leave?”

“M-maybe…”

“Who’s the special someone?” I asked. “Anyone I know?”

Her entire face went scarlet and she started stammering. Before she could form any coherent statements, Rarity came trotting out. “Ah, Nav, you… you have a tail.”

“Yep. That’s why I’m here, actually. Do you think you could modify some of my clothes to fit around it? If not, no biggie. I can get it done in Canterlot. But most of my wardrobe came from you, so I figured you might want to modify it yourself.”

“Well, I’m somewhat behind on commissions… But I’m sure I can find the time.”

“Cool. Also, you’re about to get a portion of Reginald’s hoard.” Her mouth dropped. “Probably a decent-sized portion. Hopefully that’ll cover the costs.”

“How… how much are you talking about?”

“Well, there’s probably over a hundred thousand gold coins alone in there. That’s not counting gems and other things. I’m taking twenty-five thousand to cover the cost of the house I just bought. The rest is being split among everyone else on the ship. That’s… shit, around thirty-eight people or so. So probably a minimum of two thousand bits, still not counting gems.”

“...Amber, sweetie, would you please brace Navarone with magic?”

Amber did so without a word and Rarity leapt forward to hug me. I didn’t get flung to the ground, though I did almost get stabbed by her horn. I also had to listen to her insane giggling as she wrapped herself around me. Since she was super soft and squishy, I hugged her back and toyed with her curly hair.

Once she was done with her little moment, she finally released me. “I would be delighted to help fix your clothes, Nav. Do you have them all with you?” Amber’s horn lit up and they all appeared around us, mostly neatly folded. Thankfully, Rarity’s floor was clean. “Ugh, the floor?”

“Nav said it was okay,” Amber quickly replied.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Of course she did. Well, no matter. Come along, Navi. I need to get you measured!”

I looked down at Amber. “Head back to the ship. I’ll fly back to Canterlot when I’m done here.”

She grinned. “The ship already left. I told Gourd not to wait for us.”

“...Oh.”

“So let’s get you measured!” Rarity happily said, grabbing one of my hands with magic. I sighed and let her drag me into her workroom, Amber in tow. We found Sweetie Belle waiting on us. “Come on, Nav. Off with the clothes.”

Amber’s tail began wagging as I started divesting myself of clothing. “How long do you think it’ll take to fix everything up?”

“I’m afraid I don’t really know,” Rarity said. “I’ll get a few outfits done as quickly as possible, then alternate between my commissions and your clothes. You can obviously wear some of your clothes, even if it’s not as many as you’d like. I imagine most of your dresses will have to be redone, of course.”

Not that I’m in a hurry for any of those… “As long as I have a few outfits, it doesn’t matter too much. Fleur’s talking about getting me several new nature-oriented outfits anyway. She thinks it’ll support my whole Lady of Nature image.”

I finally removed my panties and tossed them behind me, exactly where I knew Amber was standing. She squeaked as they landed on her head and took a deep breath before she could help herself. I didn’t look back because I was pretending that I had no idea what I just did, but I imagine she pulled them off of her face pretty quickly as Rarity moved in the measuring tapes. “That’s not a bad idea,” she said. “Might I also suggest tying some flowers in your hair?”

“Kat made me a flower crown,” I replied. “I left it on the ship. She’s gonna make a few more, as well.”

“Oh, you should have worn it,” Sweetie said. “I think it would have been adorable!”

“She’s right,” Rarity said. “Looking more approachable at all times will go a long way toward repairing your tarnished image. As much as I hate to say it, the… changes your body keeps going through are making you appear more fearsome. Your clothes should reflect who you truly are.”

“You mean a massive piece of shit?” I asked.

“I mean a noble, kind-hearted hero,” Rarity replied.

“And a beautiful warrior!” Amber added.

“And a good friend,” Sweetie squeaked.

“Those too, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “I’ll consider wearing it around more often, then. Even if it feels really weird.”

“Nav, you have a tail now,” Rarity said. “What about you isn’t weird?”

“My body and mind are both beyond fucked up right now,” I said. “Pretty much every single thing about me is weird at this point. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who’s looking back. Is it so much to ask that I have one normal thing?”

“You are looking back,” Rarity said. “You’ve changed a lot, but change isn’t always bad. You just need some time to reflect, to realize who you are now. I hear we’re going to be staying in place for a while. You should take some time to think, Nav. Maybe try some new things. Rediscover yourself, if that makes any sense.”

“I’m definitely gonna be doing some new things,” I sighed. “Fleur’s forcing me to participate in her stupid Miss Universe bullshit. I’m apparently Miss Human now.”

The measuring tape around my tail suddenly got very tight and I just barely stifled a moan. “You’re… You’re a part of… the Miss Universe pageant?!”

“...Yes?”

She squeed and hugged me again. “Oooh, I’m gonna make you so many pretty outfits for the runway! This is going to be perfect!”

“I’m uh… I’m gonna have to pass on that one, I’m afraid.”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that,” Rarity said, pulling away again and booping me on the nose with magic. “I’m gonna make you the cutest human ever!”

I looked over at Amber. “Little help here, maybe?”

“You better believe I’m gonna help her,” she said with a grin. “I definitely wanna see you all dolled up!”

I looked down at Sweetie Belle. “Little help here, maybe?”

“I’m definitely gonna help her help Rarity!” she replied. “I wanna see you looking cute, too!”

I stared at her for a few seconds before turning and booking it to the door. One magical aura grabbed my demon wing, one grabbed my pegasus wing, and the last grabbed my tail. I tried clawing for the door handle, but I got dragged back before I could make it.

It was a surprisingly enjoyable experience. Definitely not an experience I wanted, but it wasn’t too terrible, all things told.

I left some time later. Amber stayed behind to place her order and ferry some of my clothes to the ship when it made its last trip to Ponyville. I made sure to leave her enough bits that she could get some food around town whenever she was ready.

I still had plenty of shit to do in Canterlot, so I flew back before any of my old friends in Ponyville could corner me and force me to hang out. It’s not that I didn’t want to spend time with any of them, it’s just that I currently had higher priorities.

My first stop was to the hotel Silver was staying at. I didn’t know if she was currently there or not, but it was the only place I knew she might be. Unfortunately, Smiles was chilling in the lobby with two older ponies, one male and one female. I tried to pretend I didn’t see him, but he made that impossible by cantering over to me. “Hey Nav. Looking for me?” The two older ponies followed at a more sedate pace, both wearing smiles.

“Nope. I’m looking for Silver Quill.”

“...Oh. Um. Oh yeah, these are my parents, by the way.” He waved a wing at the two approaching ponies, one male and one female. He also told me their names, which went in one of my ears and straight out the other. “They’ve been looking forward to meeting you for a while.”

“Our son has told us quite a lot about you,” his dad said.

“We’re happy that he’s finally getting a chance to see the world,” his mother said. Some part of me had a feeling that was a lie.

“I’ve been happy to have him on board,” I lied, tousling his hair and making him blush bright red. “He and Master Jak have done a lot to make our lives easier. I have no idea why he’d want to live on a ship when he could be staying here, though.”

“Because we’re doing something important, Nav,” Smiles replied as he smoothed his hair back out. “How could I stay here in luxury while you and the others are risking your lives to save everypony?” Well, Celestia seems to be managing it just fine.

“Not everypony has to be a hero,” his mother said. “Lady Navarone is very capable. I’m sure she can defeat any monster!”

“You know, now would be a good time to teach you how to run the family business,” his dad said with a grin. Smiles’s ears drooped down.

“We’re gonna be in town for a little while,” I said. “At least a month. Maybe a bit more. You’ll have plenty of time here.”

“W-well… I’m sure you’ll still need me, anyway,” he quickly said. “And I know Master Jak will!”

“I’m in the process of buying a house at the moment,” I said. “I’m hoping Jak can outfit one of the buildings with a smithy, so he can start doing more work there. I’m sure he’d be happy to give you plenty of time to help out your folks, though.”

“That sounds wonderful,” his mom said. “Which estate are you buying, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It’s a place called Stormview.” Their eyebrows lifted. “My accountant is staying at your hotel and I was hoping I could talk to her and see if she had finished the paperwork yet.”

“Well, you have pretty good timing,” Smiles said, looking at the entrance. I turned my head and noticed a very bedraggled Silver Quill limping in. Her face was covered in lipstick kisses that trailed all down her neck and presumably continued elsewhere and her eyes had a very faraway look in them. Her mascara had run all down her face, too. She was a cute little mess.

“Good timing indeed. It was nice meeting you two.”

“You as well, my lady,” the dad said. Smiles thankfully took them back in hoof as I walked over to Silver, who still hadn’t noticed me. She was stumbling toward the elevator, barely dragging a bag full of papers behind her.

“You look like you had a hell of a night,” I said when I got close enough. She stopped in her tracks and looked up at me with wide, bloodshot eyes. “I guess your date went well?”

She squeaked and started galloping to the elevator, but immediately tripped and went down hard, showing off her belly and crotch, both of which were also covered in lipstick marks. It was very obvious what she had been up to.

“Man, Cutie didn’t waste any time with you, huh?” She curled up in a ball and started rocking back and forth. “There’s nothing wrong with having a fun date, Silver. Come on, let’s get you up to your room and cleaned up.”

“C-cleaned up?” she whimpered.

“Yeah. You’re covered in lipstick. It’s all over your face and lower body.” Her eyes went even wider and she looked down at her stomach, then started whimpering and squeaking even more. It was super adorable. “Come on, Silver. Up you go.” I grabbed one of her front hooves and gently tugged on it. “The longer you lie on the floor, the more ponies are going to notice you.”

She very slowly got to her feet, keeping her tail as low as possible. I led her to the elevator and she followed, pressed right up against my side and shivering. The guy at the elevator didn’t bother asking any questions and just took us to the second floor and let us off. Once we were out of everyone’s sight, Silver gave me a few inches, though she still let me lead the way to her room.

When we were safely ensconced in her room, she fell back onto the floor and curled up in a ball again. “Man, Cutie must have really done a number on you, if you can’t even walk without limping and falling down,” I said. “So when’s the next date?”

Her horror-filled eyes turned to me. “N-next date?” she whispered.

“Yeah. I assume you decided on a time already.” She replied with a whimper. “Eh, guess not. Well, you know where she lives now, presumably, so you can go back whenever you want. Oh, and she knows where we live now, so she can also come by whenever. Judging by the state of your underside, I imagine you two had quite a lot of fun last night.”

“That… that mare is… She’s crazy!”

“Yeah, I had a feeling. Let me tell you, the crazy ones are always fun in bed. Like I said, it looks like she straight up wrecked you.”

“I… I don’t… N-no second date!”

“...You sure? I mean, you two really were kinda adorable together. And no offense to you, but you’re… I dunno, really insecure in some ways. Having a more dominant partner might not be a bad thing. Especially one that constantly reassures you. I figured you’d be looking forward to some kind of romance when you had a little bit of time to settle down.”

“Not with a mare! Especially that mare!”

“Oh. Then why didn’t you just tell her no when she asked for a date?”

She blinked. “She… she didn’t tell me we were going on one…”

“Oh. Then why didn’t you just tell her you weren’t interested in a relationship when she tried kissing you?”

“Um…”

“Or for that matter, why didn’t you ask for my help when you saw me yesterday?”

“I…”

“Silver, you need to start standing up for yourself. You need some confidence.” I walked over and sat down in front of her so I could hold one of her front hooves. “You’re a wonderful mare and a really hard worker. You don’t deserve to get walked all over. Say the word ‘no’ to me.”

“N-n-no…?”

“Again. With confidence. Say it like you mean it.”

“N-no…”

“Louder.”

“No!”

“Say it like I’m Cutie Dream. Say it like I’m about to kiss you.”

Her eyes widened. “NO!”

“Say it like I’m about to start kissing your neck.”

“No means no!”

“Say it like I’m pressuring you, like I’m not leaving you alone. Say it like I’m about to make love to you.”

“NO!” Her horn lit up and forced me backwards as she hopped up. “Keep your dirty hooves off me!”

“Say it like you never wanna see me again!”

“Buck you and buck your stupid house! Buck your stupid paperwork! Get away from me, you garish ugly freak!”

“Silver, there’s nothing stopping you from standing up for yourself. There’s nothing stopping you from being strong. You went through something absolutely horrible, but you’re free now. You can be whoever and whatever you want. Please, for your sake, don’t be a doormat. Don’t let anyone force you into anything. Any of the unicorns on the ship would be happy to teach you to defend yourself if you ask. You don’t have to be anyone’s victim ever again.”

She slapped a hoof on the ground. “I’m gonna go give that mare a piece of my mind!” She started trotting to the door.

I cleared my throat. “You might wanna take a shower first.” Her ears shot straight down and she stopped in place. “You are absolutely covered in kisses. And your mascara ran pretty hard. Also, you smell like sex. My nose is pretty weak and even I can tell.”

“That… that might be a good idea…”

“It’ll also give you a chance to think of something to say. And don’t forget that sometimes, being strong means knowing when someone isn’t worth your time. Cutie seems like a complete idiot. Yelling at her probably won’t accomplish anything. Assuming the house is in my name now, you might be better off just putting her out of your mind.”

“M-maybe…”

“But I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life. You do you. Before you yell at her, though, the house is in my name, right?”

“Oh, of course. I could have finished the paperwork in an hour if she hadn’t been… all over me.” She shivered and hung her head. “I’m gonna go take a shower. A long shower…”

“Take your time,” I said as she limped to the bathroom. “I’m just gonna chill here, I guess.”

She didn’t reply and I hopped up and wandered over to the bed. It was a very nice one and it didn’t take me long to get comfortable. Since I had no idea how long Silver would take, I decided to jump into some dreams and have fun.

Without an elemental to wake me up, I had to check every now and then to see if she was out of the shower yet. It took her about an hour to feel comfortable stepping out, and she came back into the room with her hair and tail wrapped up in towels. All of the lipstick and mascara was gone. Now she just looked exhausted instead of bedraggled.

“I feel much better,” she sighed.

“You look a little better, too. I think you could use some sleep, though. If you want to stay here another night, you can. Or we can go on ahead to our new house and let you get some rest there.”

“I don’t… I don’t think I could sleep right now, my lady. And I definitely don’t want to be alone…”

“Understandable. So what’s left for getting the house done?”

“We need to go to the bank and sign a few forms and that’s it. I got the keys from… that mare before escaping. So once we’re done at the bank, that’s it.”

“Cool. You wanna head that way when your hair is dried?”

Her eyes flicked to my hair for a moment before moving back to my eyes. “I uh… I’ll be right back.” She went back into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She came out a minute or two later with her hair up in a ponytail. “Let’s do it!” she said with a nervous smile.

“You look more confident already.”

“T-thank you, my lady.”

“You also look more adorable,” I said as I stood. “Shall we?” I asked her blushing face.

“Y-yep!” She floated her bag over and started trotting out, trying to hide her smile.

I followed her out with a smirk on my face.

For some stupid fucking reason, Smiles was still in the lobby. He grinned when he saw us step out of the elevator and he walked over. “Hey, Nav. What are you up to today?”

“Moving into my new house,” I said. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Oh. Do you need any help?”

“Nah, I think we’ll be fine,” I said.

“O-oh… Well, do you mind if I tag along anyway? I’m feeling kinda cooped up.”

God dammit. “We don’t mind at all,” Silver quickly said with a big smile, stepping forward. “We could use a big, strong stallion like you around, I’m sure…”

“Silver, he’s gay,” I said.

Her smile disappeared. “Oh, horse apples!” she groaned, slapping a hoof against the floor.

“I… I can still come though, right?” he asked.

“Fuck it, whatever. Let’s go,” I said. He sighed in relief and we all finally got out of the hotel.

When we were half a block away, he asked, “So is there room in the house for me, too?”

“Why can’t you just live here?” I asked. “I’ve been in your room before. It’s nicer than anything you’d have in my house.”

“The real reason I joined the guard was to get away from my parents. Seeing the world and doing my part was just a bonus. They’re insufferable! And they hate that my special talent is something as base and lowly as blacksmithing!”

“There’s nothing base or lowly about that,” I said. “You maintain the tools that keep my ship flying. That’s worth a lot, Smiles, and don’t you ever think otherwise. You keep people alive.”

“Tch. Tell them that,” he said. “They think it’s beneath their only child. Since I’m all they got, they want me to take over the business. They’ve also been trying to set me up with mares ever since I introduced them to my first coltfriend. The reason they gave Silver a room for so cheap is because they thought she might be my special somepony.”

“Well I mean, there’s nothing wrong with pumping your load into a chick every now and then, on the off chance you ever do want kids. If nothing else, as a surrogate mom.”

“I’ve never sullied myself with a vagina and I never will,” he said with a proud nod. “I’m still looking for just the right partner, though. I really like predators, but almost none of them ever want to bottom. If we were gonna be in town for long enough and you didn’t need me for anything, I was considering going up to Gryphus next week.”

“Knock yourself out,” I said. “Make sure to tell us all about the juicy details.”

“I live to serve, my lady,” he said, taking a moment to bow.

“And you’re free to stay at my pad if you want,” I said. “But no complaining about the accommodations.”

“You won’t hear a peep from me,” he said.

“And if you’re gonna be living in my house, you might be doing some stuff for me,” I said. “It won’t all be fun and games or whatever.”

“I understand, Nav. Remember, you’re my boss now. I expect that if I live in your estate, I’ll have to work.”

“‘Kay. Then you get second pick on rooms on the second floor. Silver gets first.”

“Hey, why do I have to live on the second floor?” Silver asked. “You have plenty of rooms above that!”

“You can take that up with Taya, Watcher, Kat, Gourd, Doppel, the naga, Spike, and maybe Zecora,” I said.

“Worth a try,” she sighed.

“You’re doing good,” I said, patting her on the back. She shivered for some reason. Probably just the cold.

“How big is it?” Smiles asked. “I’ve never heard of Stormview.”

“Fairly large,” I said. “Four floors, including a cellar. The backyard’s pretty big and overlooks a cliff. It points at Cloudsdale so you get to see all the storms rolling in. It’s got two airship towers with a warehouse next to both. It’s also got a workshop and a gardener’s shed.”

“Huh. That’s gonna take… at least three maids, a head servant, and a groundskeeper, one of which should be a different race,” he said. “And… oh, about two on-duty squads at all times. You might want to hire some beefier muscle, for show. A minotaur would be flaunting your wealth, a naga would show you care about honor, and a dog shows that you care most about loyalty.”

“That’s very… specific of you,” I said.

“I learned some things from the hotel business and from being a guard. I’ve spent a lot of time around really affluential ponies. I’ve seen a lot of that life.”

“Probably more than most of the others on my ship,” I said. “None of Watcher’s crew spent much time as standard guards. Twilight was too anti-social. You might actually turn out to be useful for once.”

“Thanks. Um, I think.”

“You’re welcome.” We were finally coming up on the bank. Smiles apparently got his head full of chivalry, because he trotted forward to hold the door open for us, then followed us in. I had a feeling he really just wanted to watch my tail sway.

Silver Quill led the way up to one of the counters, above which was printed, ‘Property Management’. “I have some paperwork from Lady Navarone,” she said, using magic to pull the relevant pages out of her bag. “It’s for the purchase of Stormview Estate.”

“Oh, that property didn’t stay on the market long,” the mare behind the counter said as she took the paperwork. “Give me just a moment to look everything over…”

“So, Silver, I hope you don’t mind, but I might have another little task for you soon.”

“What’s that, my lady?” she asked.

“A great big dragon just gave me his entire hoard. I’m keeping twenty-five thousand to refund my house, then giving the rest to the crew. Can you help count it and divide it among everyone?”

“Um. How… how big is the hoard?”

“Fairly. The ship should be heading to the bank soon to deposit the first load. We can wait here and ride over to the house with them so they know where it is.”

“There’s no need to deposit it,” she said. “I know a spell that lets me count up huge sums of bits fairly easily. It’s a standard one for all accountants working with a lot of bits.”

“And you can value all the gems and other items?”

“Cut gems, yes. Other items, maybe. Um. Am… Am I also gonna get a share?”

“Of course, Silver. You’re part of the crew now, aren’t you?”

“I… guess I am.”

“Everything seems to be in order,” the chick behind the counter said. “We’ll need one signature and then you’ll get the deed, my lady.” She reached down and pulled up a very small stack of paper. “If you’d like me to go over all these forms, I can. If you’d like to just sign it, here’s the quill.” She pushed a quill and an inkwell across the table, then presented the stack to me. “Just sign on the front.”

“Silver, can I get an abbreviated version?”

“You agree to sign over twenty-three thousand bits to the realty company’s account.”

“I thought it was twenty-five.”

“...Cutie was very pleased last night. I ended up talking her down a little.”

“Then you’re getting an extra two thousand bit bonus,” I said tousling her hair and making her squeak in shock again. I signed the paperwork and placed the quill back in the inkwell.

The mare across the counter pulled the stack back, checked my signature, then signed under it. She set the pages aside and said, “Give me just a moment.” She walked back into a room behind her chair and rummaged around for a moment. After a few seconds, she pulled out a long tube and popped the cap off to reveal the deed. She walked over and upended the tube so the deed fell out. It was already signed by the realty company. “Just sign and date the deed on the last dotted line,” she said with a pleasant smile. I did so yet again. “If you would like to keep it here, you may do so. I can have it moved to your safe deposit box.”

“That’ll be fine,” I said. “I can’t imagine I’d need it.”

“Very well. I’ll have it moved there as soon as it dries. Thank you again for your patronage, Lady Navarone.”

“Thanks for keeping my money safe.” My little group wandered down to the waiting area and chilled on the couches. It was nice and warm inside and stupidly cold outside. I was hoping the ship wouldn’t take too long, because I really wanted to get back to my new home.

“So do you have any plans while we’re here, Nav?” Smiles asked once we were less uncomfortable.

“I have a few,” I said. “I’ll probably be going to talk to Princess Gilda in Gryphus soon about a favor she owes me, then I’ll be breaking into one of the most well-guarded facilities in the world. I’m going to be a part of the big Miss Universe pageant. Twilight and I might go to a few festivals. Kat and I are going to work on eradicating all of her old assassin associates so she’ll be safe. The leaders of the mage’s tower want to see me for some reason. I’m gonna try to spend some time with Cadance, too. With luck, it’ll be a fairly relaxing and fulfilling little mini-vacation.”

“...How is hunting assassins or breaking into vaults relaxing?” Silver asked.

“It’s the little things in life,” I said with a shrug. I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but it sounded good.

The entrance of Watcher and Gourd thankfully killed the conversation. I hopped up and walked over to greet them. “Hello again, my lady,” Watcher said with a nod.

“Howdy. We just got my house bought. Silver wants all the gold there, so she can count it herself.”

“Wish you coulda told me that before we teleported down,” Watcher said, tapping his horn. “But whatever. Let’s head back up.”

“As long as you can point us the right way,” Gourd said.

“Yep. Let’s go.” We walked back out and the three unicorns teleported up. Smiles and I had to fly up because we were the weak and powerless peasant class.

Silver was already pointing the way, so off we went. The entire deck was covered in gold coins. Two of the crew unicorns stood at both sides, using magic to make sure none fell off. Watcher walked over to me once we started moving. “We got maybe a quarter of it on this trip,” he said. “There’s a lot of gold down there.”

“Good. That’ll mean everyone gets a nice big bonus for this small vacation.”

“You’re the only noble I’ve ever known that would do this for her subjects,” he said.

“Okay.”

“All of us, myself most definitely included, are proud to work with you, Nav.”

I walked over and leaned back against one of the rails. “What do you think about Celestia?” I asked him.

“I… think that there is going to be a clash of titans soon,” he said. “I’m not quite sure what to think at the moment.”

“Reginald told you about Discord. Did he tell you what happened to the alicorns?”

“...Yes.”

“Celestia and Moonbeam both want to run.”

“I don’t think running would be a good idea.”

“Neither do I. Who would you support in a clash of titans, Watcher?”

He was silent for some time before his horn lit up. “I swore an oath to you, Navarone. I intend to keep it. Everyone on this ship is loyal to you.” The aura around his horn vanished.

“I hope you’re wrong,” I sighed. “I really hope it never comes to that.”

He shrugged, then looked ahead. “That’s Stormview, all right. Were you expecting company?” I looked ahead of us and saw that a fairly small jet black airship was parked at one of the towers.

“...No, I wasn’t. Do you recognize that ship?”

“No, I don’t.” Once we were parked at the other tower, I could see more features of the neighboring airship, including the all-changeling crew and Moonbeam, who flew over once we has finally stopped.

She landed in front of me with a grin. “Hello, Nav,” she said.

“Greetings, Moonie,” I replied. “How’d you know I got a new house?”

“News travels fast,” she said with a shrug. “I have a housewarming gift for you.”

“Cool. Wanna head inside and show it to me, then? I’d love to get out of this cold.”

“I’m afraid I can’t bring it inside. But if you’d follow me to the other ship, I can show you there.”

“Sure, I guess.” I looked over at Watcher and said, “Start unloading the gold. Leave Silver and Smiles once you’re done.”

“You got it, Nav,” he said with a nod, then trotted over to some of the crew members. Moonbeam and I flew over to her ship.

All five changelings were all lined up and saluted when we landed. One of them seemed somewhat familiar. I noticed that a single male pony was groveling on the ground behind them. “I present to you the Ambassador, Nav,” she said. “And its crew.”

“It’s definitely a nice looking ship,” I said. “Is this one you built for your personal use?”

“I’m afraid you misunderstood,” she said. “This is your ship now.”

“...Oh, wow. Um. Thank you, Moonbeam. I uh… wasn’t really expecting this.”

“I have one condition,” she said. “I want the Ambassador to travel as much as possible, flying your noble flag and using some of your pony crew. I want all the ponies to see ponies and changelings coexisting on the same ship. I want them to get more used to us. Will you do that for me?”

“Happily,” I said with a nod. “It might be a little small to use as a trading ship, but we could probably move some passengers in it.”

“It was built to be fast,” Chrysalis said. “You could move time-sensitive goods or passengers quickly.”

“I see that your food pony is off a leash.”

“Yes, he’s part of an experimental batch. Love poison doesn’t last as long for some prisoners as it does for others, so we’ve started to make do without it in some cases. After a few weeks of conditioning, they’re so addicted to our female’s opiates that they exude love constantly just to get another dose.”

That sounded really, really creepy. “You’re gonna have to explain that one to me,” I said.

“Oh, it’s fairly simple. The male ponies tend to try to resist, so we lock them in permanent chastity beforehoof to make them more pliable. After that, we repeatedly dose them with the opiates our females naturally secrete. After usually around two or so weeks, they’re so addicted that they do whatever we say and beg for more.”

“Um. How exactly do you dose them?” I asked.

“That is left up to the changeling who is dosing them,” she said with a shrug. Her eyes found one of the two female changelings on the crew, the one that wasn’t a drone. “How do you dose this one?”

“Anally, your highness. He had grown accustomed to it from his previous mistress and whines when he doesn’t receive it that way. The stupid animal leaks everywhere he goes. I wish we could just geld him once and for all.”

“Celestia doesn’t allow that, I’m afraid,” Moonbeam replied. “It would be nice if she did; breaking them would probably take half as long. If you pick up passengers, make sure to dress him properly.”

“Of course, your highness,” she said with a bow.

I was really weirded out by all of that, but I chose not to comment. “Just as long as he doesn’t try running off,” I said with a shrug. “One of you looks familiar.”

“You rescued me from Atlantis,” the one in question replied. “Queen Moonbeam picked me to captain your ship because of my experience.”

“Neat. If you guys want to come inside, you can meet your counterparts on the Second Chance. You’ll be able to help them with what they’re doing, too. I was just gifted a fairly large sum of gold and they’ve been moving it for me.”

“We’d be happy to help,” he replied with a bow. From the looks of things, he was the only intelligentsia. Two were drones and two were sentients, one male and one female of each.

The female drone fitted a collar around the male earth pony and chained him to the rail. When he was secured, all five of them took off, leaving me and Chrysalis.

“I sense that you do not approve of our methods,” she said.

“This guy is brainwashed into being a sex slave,” I said.

“Anything can sound bad when you spend all day twisting words around,” she replied. “This stallion was a career criminal who was sentenced to life in prison and he chose this fate instead of serving his time. It’s a life sentence for him regardless. At least he’s happy.” Sure enough, he was smiling. “He enjoys every minute of existence, constantly high on opiates. He’s well-fed and sexually satisfied. Some might find that life enviable.”

“Not me. I think it’s fucking horrifying.”

“Then it’s a good thing you haven’t been entrusted to our care,” she said. “Since love poison doesn’t work on you, we’d have to break you like this.”

I shivered. “I’d sooner die.”

“The dead are of no use to the hive,” she said. “Unruly prisoners who try to fight back get… special treatment from yours truly. They never last long after that.” She walked over and caressed the grinning pony. “Thankfully, this one was a good little pet and learned to obey quickly. Most stallions do. He is trained to please both males and females, if you would care to make use of his services.”

“No thank you.” Smiles might be interested, though. “I’m surprised to see you giving this ship to me. I figured you’d get more use out of it yourself.”

“Your name carries a lot of weight in pony society,” she said. “Those who wouldn’t normally trust changelings might think twice when they realize the changelings fly under your flag. I know with as much as you travel, they might see a lot of the world. They might also learn how to trade properly and can help you make money.”

“I’ll definitely do my best to get it out and about in the world,” I said. “I really don’t need more sources of income, but I’m not gonna say no to a gift.”

“Excellent. I will try to stop by again before I leave Canterlot to see your house. Unfortunately, I need to go meet with Celestia for now.”

I leaned in and hugged her. “I’ll see you later, Moonie.”

She hugged me back. “Of course… Navi. And I’ll be blue-beaning you two times now.” Before I could complain, she teleported away. I looked over at the food pony, who was staring up at me in curiosity. He didn’t seem to have any insight for me, so I flew down to the opposite warehouse. A good portion of the gold had already been moved and Gourd was talking to the changeling captain.

I walked over to Smiles, who was busy being a lazy sack of shit. “Do you know where Fleur’s new house is?” I asked.

“What’s the address?” I rattled it off and he nodded. “I know where that is.”

“Can you fly over there and find Kat and let her know that we just moved in? I want her to inspect the place as soon as possible for any weak points.”

“You don’t have to ask, my lady. You can just tell me to.”

“Yeah, but… I’m not gonna do that.”

He shrugged. “Saying ‘as you ask’ doesn’t sound as good as ‘as you command’.”

“Can you learn to live with it?”

“Anything for you, my lady,” he replied with an overly theatrical bow. When he looked back up, he got to see me flipping him double birds. He smirked and continued, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He trotted out the garage door and took off.

“How sure are you that he’s gay?” Silver asked from right next to me. I didn’t even notice her walking up, so I jumped a little.

“One hundred percent,” I said. “Dude’s more queer than a three dollar bill.”

“A… what?” she asked.

“Never mind. He’s definitely only into stallions.” She sighed and hung her head. “None of the crew members are gay, though. And I think he’s the only one of the male guards that’s actually gay instead of just bi.”

“The crew members are all unicorns,” she said. “I prefer pegasi and earth ponies. Especially the bat ponies. They look so… exotic.”

“Yeah, they’re super adorable,” I said. “How long do you think it’ll take you to count all of this up?”

“This shipment will probably take half an hour for the gold and jewels. Not so sure about everything else yet. Appraising jewelry is beyond me.”

“...Can you handle getting it done?”

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “But I want a guard squad with me at all times while I’m working on this.”

“Understandable. I’ll talk to Watcher and see what we can do.”

“Oooh, see if you can get Grey Boulder’s squad,” she said with a smirk.

“No promises. That said, I’m liking the new you. You sure did go about it quickly, though.”

“...Being a doormat sucks,” she said. “Literally, if last night taught me anything. So I’m finally gonna learn how to be confident! It might be hard, but with you to show me the way, I know I can do it.”

“So that is why you put your hair up.”

She blushed and lifted a hoof up to gently tug on it. “It… always seemed like a confident, can-do hairstyle to me… Which is why I never tried it until now.”

“Just remember that I’m not the only confident chick here,” I said. “Doppel’s confident about her body, Twilight’s confident about her magic, Rarity and Applejack are confident about everything, Sentinel is confident about her military skills, and I could probably keep listing them but I’m not gonna. I’m definitely okay with you learning from me, but there’s a lot you can learn from everyone here.”

“I’m gonna do my best,” she said with a nod. “But you’re my lady, so whatever I can learn from you will be the most valuable.”

I guess that’s technically why they made me a noble. “Neat. Let’s go talk to Watcher. You can tell him about your preference.” Her face lit up bright red, but she followed me over anyway. Watcher was helping lower another pallet of treasure from the ship. “I don’t reckon you have any guards you could leave here, do you?” I asked.

“Yes ma’am, I do,” he said. “They’re currently on the ship, but they’ll move down here when we’re done. Gloomy’s squad is the only one I could round up on such short notice.”

Oh fun, the creepy squad. “Cool. Silver was worried about being all alone with this fortune.”

“No such luck,” he said. “They all three know they’re getting a pretty hefty share, so you won’t need to worry about them being lax. Spike took it upon himself to guard the cave.”

“How generous of him,” I sarcastically replied.

“It’s killing him to let you take it all,” Watcher said.

“He’s gonna get his share. It’s just not gonna be half. He’d be a lot less useful if he was completely huge.”

“True. So Chrysalis gave you a new ship?”

“Yep. It’s called the Ambassador. It has a food pony on board. That’s not gonna be a problem for any of your people, is it?”

“Nope. We’re happy to see those bastards doing some good. A good chunk of them were ponies we put there, usually ponies who tried to rebel against the princess. She was delighted you came up with the solution, because it allowed her to get rid of political prisoners, no questions asked.”

“...Wait, what?” I slowly asked.

“There aren’t too many ways to get a life sentence in Equestria,” he said. “And the princess doesn’t like trying ponies for treason because it makes her look weak. You were the first time she ever did it, in fact. So when she wants to get rid of somepony without a fuss, she’d just have a squad like mine… take care of them. The changelings give her another option for disposing of them and still letting them be useful to Equestria.”

“I see.”

“I take it you didn’t know that.”

I took a moment to formulate my response before sighing and going with my first thought. “That’s the most evil thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Yeah, I guess it does sound kinda bad when you think about it.” He shrugged. “I did a whole lot of not thinking while in the guard. Some of the guards who did more than their fair share of thinking... found themselves being guarded.”

“...Do the people who become changeling food really have a choice in the matter?” I asked.

“Oh, of course,” he said. “Princess Celestia gives them a very generous offer. They can either repay their debt to Equestria by becoming changeling food or they can stop wasting resources and become dead. The last I heard, all of them decided being food wasn’t too bad, all things told.”

God dammit, I can’t believe I came up with this awful plan. “Celestia reminds me of Stalin more and more every day,” I said.

“...Am I supposed to know who that is?” he asked.

“No. On your way back from Reginald’s cave the next time, stop by Ponyville and pick up Doppel and some of my clothes from Rarity’s place.”

“You got it, Nav. I think this was the last load, so I’m heading back up. Are you gonna be here?”

“Probably, yeah,” I said. “I’m gonna do some more in-depth exploring.”

“Taya’s already wandering around the house somewhere,” he said. “She came down with the first wave.”

“Then I’ll find her and tickle her,” I said with a nod. “See you when you get back, Watcher.”

“My lady,” he said with a short bow. Instead of straightening, his horn lit up and he teleported out. I look around the room and found that everyone was gone but me and Silver.

“It just had to be her squad,” she sighed, hanging her head. “Oh well. Phantom is cute, even if he’s… different.”

“You have fun with that,” I said, walking to the door. The guards were walking over from the tower and saluted as I passed. I idly saluted back and continued past them without saying a word.

The great estate was eerily silent. I took a moment to enjoy it, because I knew that soon, it would be bustling with the sounds of my very strange life. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to even leave my room without being bothered for some stupid bullshit. I already had plans to get a magical deadbolt for my bedroom door, if it didn’t already have one. More than anything, I needed some time in solitude, to both think and to just do… nothing. Living on the ship never really allowed for that. Now that everyone else had a plethora of things to do, I was hoping fewer people would have any reasons to bother me.

Somehow I had a feeling I wouldn’t get the time I needed.

As I reflected on the silence, I noticed that I had another guest. I looked back at the approaching sound and realized it was the male unicorn of the squad, a guy named Silence. He was a pure black unicorn with dark brown eyes. I had never once heard him make a peep.

“You need something?” I asked. He shook his head. “...You here to guard me?” He nodded. “Well, let’s go.” Even his hooffalls sounded muted as we slowly walked around the bottom floor of the house. “Are you silent because of a vow?” He shook his head. “Are you unable to speak?” He shook his head. “Are you silent because you have nothing to say?” He nodded. “I can respect that.” He made no reply and I stopped bugging him.

Getting to the big breakfast room with the window facing the cliffside made me remember that we were in for a snow storm shortly. The ship would need to hurry if they didn’t want to have to deal with breaking it up or flying over it. It also probably meant that I’d see how good the insulation in the house was. It was already pretty warm and I found myself wishing I had a lighter set of clothes to wear.

When I got done with looking around the lowest level, I went up to the top to see if I could find Taya. Sure enough, she was trying out the bed in one of the rooms up there. “So what do you think?” I asked.

“I think I like it here,” she said with a nod. “And I think this is gonna be my room.”

“Tch, you already talk to Watcher about that one?” I asked. “He might wanna fight you for it.”

“He already claimed his room,” she said. “It’s the first one on the second floor.”

“What? The way he was talking? Come on.”

“He said he didn’t want to have to walk up four flights of stairs when he gets home after a long day,” she said. “And after being a soldier for so long, he wouldn’t even know what to do with all the space.”

“Well, he can suit himself,” I said with a shrug. “I’m taking the master bedroom. Stairs don’t bother me that much.”

“I just teleported,” she said. “So now what?”

“Now you go get us something to eat,” I said, pulling my bag of bits off. “Take Silence with you.”

“I don’t need a guard, mommy.”

“I know. Make him carry stuff. Get enough for five ponies and me.”

“Oh. Okay. Why aren’t you going?”

“If I wanted to do my own chores, I wouldn’t have adopted children,” I said, tossing the bag of coins at her. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Well geez. I love you too, mommy.”

“You still haven’t left yet? Chop chop, mommy’s starving.”

She rolled her eyes and slid off the bed so she could start trotting away. Silence thankfully followed her, leaving a comfortable void. I wasn’t all that hungry, but I did really want to get rid of him so I could take a bath in peace.

I went back to my room and then to the bathroom. The bathtub was massive and I had been looking forward to trying it out ever since I saw it. There wasn’t any soap or anything, but I was okay with that. Since most tubs were fairly standard in Equestria, I quickly had it filling up with piping hot water. As it did so, I stripped down and started fiddling with the other options, things like water jets and bubbles.

By the time the tub was mostly full, I had it about figured out. I turned off the water and slowly slid in, gasping as the heat worked its way into my chilly body. Once my body was fully submerged, I undid my hair and let it float freely around me.

When I felt relaxed enough, I scooted over to one of the water jets and turned it on, then let myself get a feeling for the pressure. Once I had a good idea that it wouldn’t hurt me, I slid over in front of it and sighed as it began massaging me.

It didn’t take very long for my filthy mind to come up with a delightful idea. As soon as I did, I spun around, put my hands on the edge of the tub, and lifted myself slightly. A moan immediately escaped my lips and I decided that I had a new favorite toy.

Since Taya had no idea where she was or what to even look for, it took her about an hour to get back. That was plenty of time for me to have very thoroughly enjoyed myself. Thankfully, I had finished all the lewd acts before she got back and showed up in front of my tub. It wasn’t until I looked up and saw her standing there that I realized I hadn’t closed any of the doors behind me.

“How is it?” she asked.

“Nice,” I sighed, sinking a little lower. “Very, very nice…”

“Your skin’s gonna get all pruney and gross,” she said.

“It’ll be well worth it. Did you get something scrumptious?”

“Well… we got something edible. I haven’t actually tried any yet.”

“Then let’s fix that,” I said as I stood. Water immediately started cascading down my body and I looked around the room. “Um. You didn’t happen to see a towel on the way in, did you?”

She smirked and her horn lit up. Her magic lifted me out of the tub and made water pour down my body until I was dry, then set me down next to my clothes.

“That works. Thank you.” I decided not to bother getting dressed and walked out into the room, where I immediately found Silence. “So I see you’re up here, too.” He nodded, though his eyes didn’t meet my own.

“He decided to join us in eating up here,” Taya said with a grin when she followed me out.

Fuck it, they don’t wear clothes anyway. “He’s free to,” I said, walking over to my desk. That’s where the food was, so I sat and pulled something out. Both of them joined me and we finally got some food in us.

“What time do you think it is?” Taya asked.

“Probably around four-ish,” I said. “I kinda feel like Kat should have gotten here by now.”

“Oh, she has,” Taya said. “I asked Smiles to go get Twilight, too. Kat’s currently looking the place over. She said she came up here to talk to you earlier, but that you were… Um, busy.”

Apparently I’m not very observant while writhing in pleasure. “Then I guess I should get dressed and go see if she’s found anything.”

“I’ll go back to exploring my room,” she replied with a smile. Silence remained when Taya left and he went back to staring at my chest. When I stood and walked back to the bathroom, I imagine his eyes transferred to my ass. I decided to be nice and give him a show by bending over in the doorway to pick up my clothes and putting on my shirt first to let him watch for longer.

Once I was fully dressed, I turned around with a grin. “Shall we?” I asked his lightly blushed face. He didn’t reply, but he did follow me when I walked out.

We found Kat and Spider on the second floor, poking around one of the rooms. “This house is solidly built,” she said. “And as far as I can tell, there aren’t any hidden areas. Well, so far.”

“Think we could make any?” I asked.

“Oh, absolutely. I could put little hidey-holes all over this place. Seems kinda pointless, though. I thought the whole reason for getting a house was to seem more legitimate.”

“Yeah, it is. But you never know when a bolthole might be useful. It’s not a priority at the moment, though, so whatever. I’m kinda surprised Fleur didn’t join you.”

“She won’t be able to come by until either late tonight or tomorrow,” Kat replied. “After keeping you up so late last night, she decided tomorrow would be better for you.”

“Cool. If you haven’t already done so, you might want to claim a room. They’re probably gonna go fast.”

“Spider had a question to ask about that, actually,” she said, looking down to her horrifying little companion.

The kid looked at me. It seemed like he was nervous, but I don’t really know if I want to say something like him could be nervous. “I would… I would like the tree, high mistress.”

“You’re gonna have to explain that one,” I said.

“I would like to live in it,” he said. “I would like to make it my… my room.”

I looked over at Kat. “I told him he couldn’t put much webbing up in any of the rooms. He asked where he could put webbing up and I told him you might not mind the tree.”

“...Don’t kill it,” I said. “I like weeping willows. But otherwise, sure. Just know that it’s probably gonna be really cold for a while.”

He beamed and actually rushed forward and hugged me. I just barely stopped from flinching and instead awkwardly patted him on the back. My skin was crawling from the feeling of his many legs around me. Why oh why did it have to be a giant spider?

“I’m gonna go get started right away!” With that proclamation, he thankfully scurried away and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

“He’s just a child, Nav,” Kat said.

“We’ve been over this. Leave it.” I’m happy to say that she did so. “The ship should be back pretty soon. You can get whatever you need from it when it does. I’ll definitely bring down some of my stuff.”

“I’ll go claim a room now, then,” she said. “I’ll talk to you later, Nav.” She wandered off, presumably to head upstairs. With her gone, I went to the dining hall on that floor to take a look at the backyard. Spider was already on his way to the tree. It looked like he might have been running, presumably in joy. I looked away when he got to the tree and shot the first web at it.

“He’s just like my little brother,” Silence said. I looked at him in shock. His eyes were fixed on Spider. “Just like him…”

“So you do speak!”

He looked back at me with a blank expression and said, “Nopony will ever believe you.”

“...You sick son of a bitch.” His face remained passive and I took a moment to wonder if I was going crazy or if he had actually just spoken.

After another moment, I realized one didn’t rule out the other and stopped worrying about it. Instead, I looked back out the window at the airships that were approaching. They were both visibly weighed down by gold and coming in fast. We went back down to the first floor and over to the warehouse that the Second Chance was gonna use. Watcher and Gourd teleported down shortly after I got there.

“This is gonna be the last batch for today,” Gourd said. “That storm is coming in quickly and I don’t want to move anything around in it.”

“Makes sense,” I said. “Once you get all that stuff unloaded, get everything else you need off the ship and get your people inside.”

“Doppel’s gonna help move some of your stuff in,” Watcher said. “She’s looking forward to helping get the house in working order.”

“At least that makes one of us,” I said. “I’m gonna head up there and help her. I got more shit to move than I’d like.”

“And we’ll get started on the gold, then help the changelings with theirs,” Gourd said. Silence thankfully stayed his creepy ass there to help them while I flew up to the ship.

Doppel was already walking out the deck with a few bags stuffed full of clothes. When she saw me, she grinned, flew over, and hugged me. “Good to see you, mistress!” she said.

“Good to see you, too,” I said as I hugged my sexy maid back. “I hope you don’t mind, but I have a lot of work lined up for you.”

“I’m happy to help!” she replied. “I’ve just been waiting for a chance to strut my stuff for everyone!”

“I’m happy to hear it. Now let’s get unloaded so you can get started.”

“You got it, mistress,” she said, letting the hug drop. “I’ll see you in just a moment!” She took back off, carrying the bags down to the house. She didn’t know where they were going yet, so I imagined she was just going to drop them off in the foyer. I went down to my room on the ship and started picking through what she missed. I grabbed the first load of bullshit and passed her on the way down.

We traded positions a few times until all my shit was down, then I helped her move her own stuff. Then I helped Taya and Kat move their stuff. Once they were all done, I decided to pull my lordly rank and went back down to the living room, where I relaxed on one of the very nice couches.

Doppel and Kat joined me there a few minutes later. “So what’s the plan?” Doppel asked.

“Today, we get everything off the ship,” I said. “Tomorrow, we begin looking for everything we need to turn this house into a home. After that, we find two to four more employees. You can be in charge of them, Doppel.”

She blinked. “M-me? In charge of… ponies?”

“You’re my longest serving employee,” I said. “You know exactly what I want. Of course I’m making you my head of household. Just don’t abuse your power and everything should be fine.”

She seemed somewhat taken aback before resolve filled her face. “I won’t let you down!”

“Good. You and Silver might be in charge of hiring people, too. I’ll be happy to sit in on any interviews if I’m available, but if not, you two will take charge.”

“Oh, wow…”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t think you could do it,” I said. “You’ll do fine.”

“What about me?” Kat asked.

“You’re gonna be my hidden bodyguard,” I said. “When you’re not doing pageant stuff or other work for me. I’m gonna be a lot more vulnerable without my ring.”

“You’ll be safe with me,” she said with a nod.

“I know,” I said. “Now, it’s late and I had a long night. I’m gonna go ahead and retire to my room. I’m still expecting Twilight to come by, so I’m not going to bed just yet, but unless it’s important or Twilight, don’t bother me.”

“As you command,” Doppel said with a bow. I hopped up, patted her on the back, then went back to the foyer to head upstairs. Thankfully, someone had already moved all my stuff up to my room.

When I got up there, I took a look around at all the stuff just lying everywhere. That seemed like a job for future me, so I walked over to the desk and pulled out my laptop. I knew that would be something present me would enjoy.

I dicked around on it for a few minutes before a cleared throat caught my ears. I looked up from my laptop and realized Twilight was standing there. I turned off the music and closed the computer. “Howdy.”

“This is a really nice house, Nav,” she said with a grin.

“I know, right? I think Celestia would be jealous if you moved from the palace to here.”

She sighed and looked away. “I… think it’s best that I stay close to her for now. She’s growing increasingly distant. I need to stay close to try to rebuild our relationship. Despite everything… I still need her.”

“I’m not so sure about that, Twilight,” I quietly said. I steepled my hands in front of me and continued, “You’ve changed. Before, you took everything Celestia told you at face value. Now… You’ve become much more self-reliant. You question things. You’re always seeking the truth, now that you know how little you know. You and I have both noticed how much Celestia likes telling the truth. That mare is a compulsive liar, Twilight.” She flinched. “Think about it. She lied to Spike about who he was to keep power over him. She lied to the ponies about moving the sun to make them reliant upon her. She lied to the world about the nature of magic to keep it to herself. She lied about history so no one would question her rule. It took me a long time to realize why that woman is so feared, Twilight. She’s the most pleasant evil person in existence. Do you want to know what she told me one day, Twilight?”

“N-no…”

“To my face, word for word, ‘Just because I founded this country doesn’t mean I have to be a paragon of its values.’ She doesn’t care about anything but power. She wants to be in a relationship with me to control me, according to what Cadance told me. Why do you think she lied to you about true magic, Twilight? Do you think she was trying to keep you from reaching your potential? If there’s one thing we can learn from how Celestia treats her own sister, it’s that she fears any power she doesn’t directly control.”

She was silent for several very long seconds, looking very conflicted. “What are you saying, Nav?”

“I’m saying that you might be better off finding your own answers. Celestia will train you at her pace. You can train yourself at your own pace. We don’t have time to wait for Celestia to be ready. Discord fought against true magic for a reason, Twilight. He could act at any moment. We know spells do nothing to him. That leaves magic.”

“I… I don’t know if I can do it, Nav.”

“It all works on belief, Twilight. And I believe in you. Of course you can do this. You’re the Element of Magic, not the Element of Spells. You have the resources to find all the answers you need now without Celestia’s help. Between Athena, Watcher, and the library at the Crystal Empire, you can learn everything you need.”

She looked away and hung her head. “That’s… a big step, Nav.”

“You’re an adult, Twilight. You get to decide your fate. Do you want to be the princess’s student all your life? Or do you want to become Twilight Sparkle, Element of Real Magic?”

“It’s not that simple, Nav! She’s… she’s the princess!”

“Celestia is a mare, Twilight. Never forget that. She is only a pony. There’s nothing divine about her. There is absolutely nothing that mare can do that someone else can’t. And you’re never going to reach your full potential if you rely on her to show you the way. I think we both know that. In fact, I think you’ve known it for a while. You’ve seen the writing on the walls. She wants to keep you weak.”

Her ears finally fell. “I’ll… talk to you later, Nav…” She hurried out of my room and left the door wide open. I sighed and leaned back in the chair, my mind racing. That talk could have gone better. Maybe it’s time I go see if the water elementals are back in town… Brook or Flo would be valuable right now.

That distraction led me to finally look up from the laptop and I noticed how dark it was getting. I got up from the desk and went to the badass bathroom. I wasn’t interested in taking half an hour to bathe again, so I just took a whore bath in front of the sink before drying off and walking, naked, to close and lock the door. As soon as the lock turned, the door picked up a slight sheen. That looks like magic, alright. Since that was done, I slid into bed.

The thing swallowed me whole and I found myself feeling very lonely for some reason. I got over that feeling, curled up in the blankets to protect me from the drafty room, and quickly fell asleep.

Some time later, something suddenly woke me up. I didn’t move at first, weariness deadening my senses. Then I felt something strange, like an air current against my chin. My eyes opened and I saw something blurry and bright. As my eyes slowly adjusted, I realized I was looking at Kat, mere centimeters from my face. Her glowing eyes were locked onto my own.

“Hello, Nav,” she whispered with a small grin.

Instead of trying to formulate a reply right away, my eyes peered down and I saw that her naked body was pressed against mine. One of her gloved paws was pushed against the top of my tail and the other was pressed against my feathery wing. I suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable.

“...Kat.”

“Yes, Nav?” she whispered. Her whiskers gently tickled my face and I tried pulling back, but she didn’t give an inch.

“Why are you in my bed? And… how are you in my bed? The doors are magically deadbolted.”

“This curse has given me a very… intricate understanding of all locks. With enough time, I can pick anything, even without using my awful curse. And I am here to ask your permission for something.”

Oh boy… “And what exactly are you asking permission for?”

Her paws pressed down harder on their respective spots. I felt a growing arousal and a warm wetness. “I would like to please you, Nav.”

“I’m… not so sure about that one, Kat.”

Her smile grew a lot deeper. “I would very much appreciate permission to please you, Nav.”

“Kat, I would like you to take your paws off of me.” Her smile disappeared and she slowly did so. “I want you to explain something to me.”

“Anything, my lady,” she dully replied.

“How is this appropriate behavior for a vassal?”

Her reflective eyes looked away. “The oath I swore to you was different, Navarone. You did not ask its meaning. I suppose it was my mistake to assume you knew.” Her eyes looked back to mine. “To the ponies, in public, I am your vassal. To us, to me, I am your blood servant. I tried to educate you on our culture when we were in Egypt, but I guess I missed this. I, and all of my descendents, will serve you. Unless a blood-servant is ordered away, they are always with their mistress. It is my job to serve you in all ways. I finally realized you didn’t know when you didn’t invite me to your room tonight. So I decided to come and offer my services.”

I stared at her in silence for what had to be about thirty seconds. Gears started finally turning in my head and I slowly asked, “Is this sorta thing, like, common around here? Is it, I dunno, accepted? Because to me, this is super creepy.”

She sweetly smiled and lifted a paw to my cheek. The other pressed itself against my lower stomach. “Fleur told me it doesn’t happen among ponies, but that they all respect it in other cultures. They would be delighted to always see us together.”

“...And they’d be delighted to find that I’m taking advantage of you in bed?”

She flinched back and what looked like tears appeared in her eyes. “I don’t do this as a show to them, Nav! I do this for you. I do this because you are alone tonight. I do this to comfort my mistress! I do this to make your life better. Can you accept that, or do you still distrust me too much?!”

“Kat…”

She sighed and pulled her hands back, then turned away. “Forgive me, my lady…” She started pushing away from me, but I reached out and hugged her back. She tensed up and actually started shaking.

“First of all, in the future, please explain everything about your culture to me. This is something you should have made one hundred percent clear from the fucking start.”

“Of… of course, my lady.”

“Second of all, call me Nav.” Her body relaxed. “This is really, really weird for me. Take that into consideration. Do not wake me up with your hands on my body and offer to fucking please me.”

“I apologize, Nav.”

“Alright. Third of all, what kind of relationship is this?”

“Whatever you would like it to be. I will be hands off or I will be a personal companion. I will come at your call or I will be with you always.”

“I bet I know which you would prefer.”

Her fur stood up straight and she shivered. “I have held back since I swore the oath because you were happy with Twilight Sparkle. But now you are here alone. Now, you are comfortless. I would be delighted to be allowed to comfort you.”

“...What would you do if I told you no?”

She stayed silent for about fifteen seconds before she sniffled and I realized she was crying. “I’m… I’m sorry for breaching decorum, my lady.”

I let her weakly struggle for a few seconds before sighing and kissing the back of her neck. She gasped and leaned away, but I didn’t let her get far. When she finally relaxed, I said, “I’m not telling you no, Kat. I’m telling you that I think it’s weird. But… If it means so much to you, I’ll try it. Give me time to get used to it, okay?”

“...Nav,” she whispered, her voice raspy from crying.

“...Kat?” I replied with another kiss.

“Would… would you like me to please you, Nav?”

So much for not making a mess on the bed on my first night. “I think I’d like that,” I slowly replied, though I had to choke the words out. Extremely uncomfortable would be a good way to describe me right then.

She spun around in my arms and pressed her face against mine, kissing me. Her tail wrapped around one of my legs as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled herself in. The kiss didn’t last long, but she was already breathless. “Lie back and relax, Nav,” she purred, rubbing her nose against mine.

“Be gentle, Kat,” I whispered as one of her paws moved to my breast.

She pressed her head next to mine to whisper next to my ear. “For you, anything.”

Some unknown amount of time later, Kat was curled up in my arms, purring and falling asleep. I found myself staring into space, sleep eluding me. Despite the fact that Kat came to me and practically begged me for the privilege of pleasing me, it still felt very much like I had just taken advantage of her.

Hopefully it would get easier to deal with over time. I guess some cultural differences are… harder to get over than others. Some part of me knew that worse was still yet to come, and that’s what kept me staring into the darkness for a lot longer than I would have liked.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Two—Worst Houseguest Ever

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Two—Worst Houseguest Ever

I woke up from an uneasy sleep with a start. There was no longer a cat in my arms, so I couldn’t help but wonder if what I had been through that night before was a dream. It was certainly a weird one, if it had been.

When I sat up, I realized that no, it most definitely was not a dream. Kat was standing on the side of the bed, wearing a fairly short sun dress, long stockings, some nice gloves, and holding a plate of breakfast. “Good morning, Nav,” she happily said.

I’m not so sure about that. I looked at the plate and discovered that it was two sunny side up eggs, a few strips of bacon, and a slice of butter arranged as a smiley face over a small stack of pancakes.

“I brought you breakfast in bed!”

“Thank you, Kat,” I said. I didn’t particularly want to eat breakfast in bed, but I wasn’t going to say no to free food from a psychopathic cat. I was close to the middle of the bed, so I awkwardly scooted over until I was close enough to get the plate. She stood right in front of me as I began eating. “So who else is up?”

“I dunno. What are we doing today, Nav?”

“First, I’m going to find Jak and get him to outfit his new workshop. I’m also gonna send Doppel, Sunny Disposition, and Taya shopping to outfit the house with what we need. With luck, they can also find me a new employee or three. Once I get them moving, I’ll probably chill in the living room for a while and wait on Fleur to come by. When she leaves, I’m done for the day.”

“Will you need my services for anything?” she asked. “I would be delighted to spend time with you, but there are a few things I need as well…”

“I should be fine,” I said. “I’m not planning on leaving, so I won’t need protection.”

“Good. It’s been too long since I’ve been in a proper home. And even longer since I’ve had a good master. I’m quite looking forward to the coming months!”

Well, I was looking forward to them, but now I’m kinda worrying. “Good. You’re not gonna get super possessive and try to drive off all the other girls in my life, are you?”

“Of course not, Navi! Taya and I already came to an understanding. I know exactly where I stand.”

“...And what agreement did the two of you come to?” I slowly asked.

“I am not to interrupt any of your time with Twilight Sparkle or Taya. Otherwise, I may do as I please.”

God dammit, Taya. “I want to remind you that you serve me, not Taya.”

“Yes, but Taya has your best interests in mind. Much more-so than you do, apparently. One of the things she specifically requested is that I sabotage any attempts you might make at a relationship with Celestia. I told her that I would be happy to assist, but that you shouldn’t need me to remind you what that great white horse has done to you. Apparently you do, according to your daughter. It’s a good thing you have the two of us looking out for you.”

“If I discover that you’re sabotaging anything I do, I’m going to be extremely upset. You serve me, Kat. And you serve me without question. If I make a mistake, it’s my mistake to make. You are free to offer counsel, but if I choose to do something, you can either support me or you can stay out of my way.”

“...As you wish, Nav,” she replied.

“As it is, Celestia probably won’t be someone you’ll need to worry about anymore.”

She didn’t reply and let me finish eating in peace. As soon as the last bite was in my mouth, she took the plate back. “Do you need anything else from the kitchen?” she sweetly asked.

“Nope, but thanks for the offer.”

“Then I’ll be right back!” She walked off, her tail wagging more than usual. Yeah, it’s gonna be a long few months.

We still didn’t have any soap, so I didn’t bother taking a bath or shower. And since I wasn’t planning on leaving the house, I didn’t bother dressing up. Thankfully, I managed to save a pair of sweatpants from all the times Rarity tried to prune my wardrobe. That and a ratty old t-shirt became my outfit for the day.

I gotta say, being a Lady had a few upsides.

Athena’s book is one of the things I grabbed from the ship the night before. I didn’t want to risk Jak popping out of it in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, so I put it in the room that Smiles claimed. At least that way, if Jak appeared, the only person he could hurt in his confusion was someone no one would miss anyway.

Kat got back to my room right as I got to the door. “Going somewhere?” she happily asked.

“Just to get Athena’s book from Smiles’s room.”

“No need to exert yourself,” she said.

“I don’t mind—” She was already walking away again, her tail still happily wagging. I only watched for a moment before sighing and going to sit at my desk. The chair was surprisingly comfortable for something that was built for an equine-shaped body. It was probably because I had a tail now.

Kat wasted no time, of course. At the very least, I was happy that she saved me from having to deal with Smiles, even if he had been behaving himself. She came back in, closed and locked the door behind her, and walked over to present the book to me.

“Thank you. Again.” I grabbed it and stood. “I’ll be right back.” Before she could try to invite herself, I cracked the book open and got sucked in by the hellish tentacles. Athena may be creepy and likes being up close and personal, but at least she isn’t trying to constantly serve me.

She did appear immediately though, with something approaching a smile on her face. “So you’ve come to visit me again. Do you seek more answers, my friend? Information or books, perhaps?”

“You’ve been very tight-lipped with information I might find useful,” I replied. “We could be very useful allies, if you’d only tell me what I need to know.”

She disappeared and I felt her creepy fingers on my shoulders, making my skin crawl. “It is true that I have been… less than forthcoming about some things. There was a time I worried you might betray my secrets. And for some time, I questioned the worth of an… apprentice that does not care to learn magic.”

“...I am no apprentice,” I said. “Just someone who wants revenge. And answers.”

“But you could be,” she whispered in my ear, waving one of her hands in front of me. A gilded silver mirror appeared before us and I saw myself shooting fire from my hands. My hair was lit up bright green and flowers were dangling from their tips. My eyes had gone from a dark green to a vibrant, lively one. Both of my wings had turned into flower petals. Even my skin had something of a greenish tinge to it. “You could be so much more, tree sister.” I shifted. “Your transformation has only just begun. If you let me truly teach you, if you become my apprentice, you could replace Mother Nature.”

I took a step forward and turned around to look at her. “What do you mean?”

“Would you like to know a secret, Navarone?” she asked, her head tilting slightly. “I would give it to you in exchange for promising to think about my offer.”

“...I can think about it.” But I’m not so sure I want it…

“Then I am going to tell you why Discord fought to kill magic.” She reached a creepy finger out and placed it on my forehead. My eyes went blank. “In the beginning, springs of magic dotted the lands.” A sight appeared in my mind, a large hole in the ground filled with pure, glowing water. “This was the only source of water humans had. Those who drank of it became saturated in magic and lived for hundreds of years.” Two humans appeared in the image in my mind. They both drank from the pool of water and seemed to begin glowing themselves. “These were the first of our kind. Magic flowed through their veins. What you think of now as impossible was, to them, everyday. But something changed.” The springs disappeared and it started raining. “It was as though all the springs in the world evaporated at once and appeared in the air. It caused a great flood, something spoken about for thousands of years later. Do you know what that something was, Navarone?”

The water had pooled up to my ankles. I looked up at her nervously. “...My money’s on Discord.”

“Your money is safe. In that time, magic flowed so freely that certain ideas, when felt strongly enough, could escape their hosts and become personified by magic. Life. Death. Nature. Peace. Discord.” I saw all of them before me as she named them, ending with Discord’s creepy fucked up body. “All of these and more were represented by various entities. The one known as Discord fought the others and among the powerful humans for ages, though he was never powerful enough to gain much sway. Unfortunately, war, when unchecked, always escalates and leads to new innovations. Discord, tired of never truly winning, decided to attack the source of the strength of his opponents, weakening them. He evaporated their springs and caused a flood, spreading the magic all across the world. His strength came not from the springs, but from the belief in conflict, so he stayed the same. The other gods began losing power as Discord grew in strength. Some of them went into hiding. Some died. Some had nothing to fear. But all of those who remain want to see Discord defeated.”

Her finger pulled away from my head and I could see again. “Some of the… concepts died?” I asked.

“Correct. It is possible to kill them. It isn’t simple.”

“So Discord can be killed?” I asked.

“...Technically, yes. But doing so would be very difficult. Putting him in check would be easier. He is so powerful now because the opposing ideals have given up the fight. But their titles can be taken, Navarone. In time, with my help, you could become Nature. You could gather the surviving lesser fey and rule over them. Your alicorn friend, the pink one, could become Love with my guidance. For the first time in a very long time, we might be able to contain his power.” She stepped forward and placed her hands on my cheeks. “Will you not seize this opportunity, Navarone? Will you not seize your destiny?”

“I don’t much care for destiny,” I said, stepping back from her grasping hands. “And ruling over fey sounds really unfun, though it’s good to know they exist.”

“How can you not grasp the… the importance of this?” she asked in confusion.

“I’m a soulless automaton presumably created by Discord’s magic,” I replied. “Until I get my own soul, I don’t think I have any place trying to actually fight Discord. I’m just trying to put people in place who can.”

Her head tilted again and we appeared downstairs next to a table. I could see Jak working on his golem in the distance, but he very unfortunately didn’t notice us.

“Lie on the table,” Athena ordered, her hands going behind her back.

I really didn’t want to and the tail made it kind of awkward, but I did so. She walked over next to me and placed one hand on my forehead and one hand over my belly button. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath before her hands pulsed and I felt myself lock in place.

Her hands started moving across my body. They hit several spots before both of them ended up on top of where my heart was supposed to be. Her head tilted again and she made some kind of noise of disappointment. “I see,” she whispered. One of her hands went to my neck and it felt like she was grasping something invisible. “Oh?” The hand left my neck and seemed to follow something up above me until it connected with something else. “So we failed. But this gives you an opportunity.” Her eyes opened and her hands pulled back. “You are, in fact, soulless. But you have a human soul attached to you. That is quite a conundrum, though.”

“I’m gonna try to talk to Grogar while I’m in Tartarus,” I said. “I’m hoping he can force her soul into me.”

“My oh my, Nav. You are quite ambitious. The doll who seeks to be a real girl, hmm? I’ll tell you now that it won’t work.”

Shit. “There has to be a way,” I said. “I met Death. He told me this is what I had to do.”

“Ah, so Death introduced himself to you. There is a grain of truth in what he says. Her soul could be merged with your body, but it couldn’t be forced in. To force it would erase you entirely, and her soul would be susceptible to all manner of horrific issues. If you want to merge with her, you must emulate her as much as possible. Looks, styles, speech, temperament. The closer you are to who she was, the smoother the transition will become. If there are too many gaps between the two of you, the merge will fail and you will be lost.”

“...This is the kind of stuff I mean,” I said. “If you could keep answering the weird and hard questions I have, I’d be a lot happier to visit.”

She waved a hand and two chairs appeared. She daintily sat in one and smiled up at me. I hesitantly sat in the other. “What questions do you have, Navarone?” she asked. As she spoke, one hand reached out and then straight up disappeared. When she pulled her arm back, it revealed that the missing hand contained a mug of steaming hot coffee that she passed to me.

I looked at it in wonder before taking it and looking back up. “If you told me you had coffee, you damn sure would have been seeing a lot more of me.”

“Reality is a very malleable thing, for those of us who choose to make it that way,” she replied. “You could make your own coffee. You could change your body however you pleased. You could become… so much more. Should you succeed in obtaining a soul, I will be able to explain much, much more to you. But until then, there are still a few answers I could dole out.”

“You called me tree sister. I met a mushroom lady called a madremonte who called me the same thing. What does that mean?” I finally took a sip of the coffee. Despite being black, it was amazing.

“You are very, very ambitious indeed, to take on the life of a tree and not know the consequences.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice. I was unconscious and on death’s doorstep. Princess Celestia made that decision for me.”

“...I see. Tell me, does she know the consequences?”

“If she does, she didn’t tell me.”

“Hm. I suppose the old ways still persist, though their meanings have been lost. Tree brothers and sisters are those who fuse their life force with that of plants. They slowly become one with nature over time, taking on characteristics of plants. The more injuries you obtain, the faster you will change. Were you to remove both wings, I imagine they would come back… different. I’m sure you’ve already noticed that much of your energy comes from the sun. Should you continue to eat, you’ll have extra energy and likely even more strength. Your blood will become more akin to sap. Wounds will seal and heal themselves much more quickly. Things that should kill others merely slow you down.”

“The mushroom chick I spoke to asked me about my grove.”

“It is common for those of your kind to claim a forest and make it their own. Some find subjects among mortals and the surviving fey and build homes for themselves. As your abilities grow, you’ll be able to manipulate nature around you.”

“You keep mentioning fey. Are you talking old school fairies and gnomes and whatnot?”

“Indeed. The island you know as Britain was their last sanctuary for some time. It was a place of great power, where one of the last remaining springs of magic existed. It spawned some of the great legends you may have heard of, such as the holy grail. The Lady of the Lake guarded it with her life. A fellow called Merlin was her last apprentice. He flung a seeress and a king forward in time before Discord killed him and then destroyed their spring. After that, the fey truly began disappearing from this realm. Some can still enter when the moon phases are correct, but most have been banished completely. Fairies are apparently somewhat commonplace, though they are now known as breezies. Some of the nature-oriented fey still exist here and there, but most of their bastions have been destroyed.”

That explains a few things. “What exactly are fey? I assume if Discord was killing them, they were a threat to him.”

“Fey are very capricious beings of magic. Some are beings of desire made manifest. Discord, for example. Or succubi. Or changelings.”

“Wait, changelings are fey?”

She nodded. “Indeed. They do not eat as normal beings do. They are beings that magically consume emotion to sustain themselves. Discord used his magic to change alicorns into changelings, turning them into fey of hunger. He used them as tools to suck love out of the world. As with most things magical, fey operate on the power of belief. Should everyone stop believing in them and the ideals they represent, they would cease to exist.”

I used the moment of silence to drink more of the coffee. My old and weary bones were starting to finally heat up and get some life in them. “So you’re saying that to kill Discord, we’d have to forget him?”

“And conflict in general. I suspect that Discord was created when one magical human of old killed another, but I could be mistaken. These days, there isn’t enough magic in the world to bring him back should he successfully be killed, but I do not know how long the world would have to be at peace for him to permanently be stopped. I don’t know if it would even be possible without new beings of power to replace those who were lost.”

“You think Cadance could become the new goddess of love or whatever?”

“To replace the one you know as Cupid, yes. She has the potential for it.”

“...And you think I could become Nature.”

“I think any tree sibling could become Nature. But you are the only one I have within my grasp. You are the only one I can teach. You could be my hands in the world, Navarone, touching it in my place.”

Way to make it sound creepy. “I don’t need magic to do that, Athena. If you tell me what to do to stop Discord, I’ll make sure it happens.”

She clasped her bony hands together in her lap and began twiddling her thumbs. It was a surprisingly human gesture. “Magic has been my only companion for a very long time, Navarone. I trust it explicitly. Your distrust in it is… unusual, for one who found herself in my realm. Most scholars seek it.”

“Power’s never really been my thing,” I replied. “All I want is to be a nobody again. I know it’ll never happen, but it’s still what I want. How can I go from wanting that to doing the impossible?”

“Belief,” she quietly replied. “All you must do is believe that you can do something, and you can. It takes discipline and it takes knowledge, but both of those can be obtained. I cannot make you want something and I cannot make you believe in something, however. If you choose to stay your course, that is entirely your decision to make. It means I would find trusting you difficult.”

“You’ve seen what I can do without magic. You watched me and Twilight take on your maze and win.”

“Barely, and only with her assistance. Think of what you could do with my help, Navarone. Think how easy your journey would become. Once you gain your soul, I could turn you into a god.”

“Yeah, but being a god sounds really shitty. Why would I want that?”

“Sometimes we do things not for ourselves, but for others.” Says the bitch who locked herself in a prison for eternity. “Discord does not have to die for him to lose. If you help tip the balance in the world, you could keep his power in check and prevent the cycles of extinction. That was the attempted purpose of the man-made fey, the elementals. It worked for a time.”

“Before Discord made them turn on each other,” I replied. “Which could very well happen with me as the god of nature. How long do you think I’d last against that thing if he really wanted me dead?”

“All of the entities that started as humans are still alive. Most have lost their power and faded from memory, but could be restored if enough belief was pumped into them. The main issue most had was keeping their followers alive to believe in them, because Discord had enough followers to put them all to the sword. At that time, vast armies roamed the world, enacting the wills of their gods. The world was young and chaotic. Discord’s powers were great. Now, the times between his bursts of activity are slowly growing. After succeeding in destroying so much of the magic in the world, I believe that he has begun sapping even his own power. It might be possible for other entities to come into power now.”

“What about just killing magic altogether?” I asked. Her eyes widened. “It seems like that’s what Discord’s been planning for a while. If all the magic in the world was gone, wouldn’t he also cease to exist?”

“That’s impossible. Magic can be diluted, but it will always be there. It is the lifeblood of this planet. Without it, life itself would not be possible.”

“Well, fuck. What do I have to do to become Nature, then? I mean, I’ll obviously need to get a soul and learn magic, but what do I do after that?”

“Convince the remaining nature fey and other tree siblings to side with you. You might have to bear one of them a child.”

“Nope, fuck that. I don’t want to have sex with anything that can make me pregnant!”

“...I see. Well, that might be avoidable, but most tree sisters adore all life and would be happy to bear children.”

“This one hates babies and doesn’t want a fucking parasite growing inside of her for nine months.”

“Hm. After you get all of them on your side, you would need to find a fount of power and drink from it. Those regenerate over time, so I know one must still exist somewhere. If you could find a spring of magic, that would be even better. I know at least one still exists, though I do not know where it is.”

“How did any of them survive what Discord did?”

“Some were protected by powerful beings, either humans or entities, who made sure they did not fall to Discord. Some did get destroyed later, but a few survived the culling.”

“Huh. I found something called the Mirror Pool. It creates a copy of whoever gets in it.”

She nodded. “That is likely an offshoot of a fount of power. Another famous one is the so-called Fountain of Youth. If you find the source of this Mirror Pool, you will find your power. But I will warn you now that unless you find yourself wanting to become one of these entities, it will be impossible. And until you have a soul, trying would be pointless.”

“How do I find fey? Or other tree siblings?”

“Fey tend to congregate in places of magic. If you want to actively seek them out, you’ll have to go through a mirror.”

“...A mirror?”

“Yes, that is what I said. Tree siblings might be more difficult to find. They have groves that are usually tended to by mortals or lesser fey. Seek out ancient forests, especially those with legends about disappearing children.”

“Alright, so how do I go into a mirror?”

“Magic, of course. Mirrors are doorways, Navarone. Those with the knowledge can open them.” Those with the knowledge… or those with a catgirl servant that can open any lock. “The realms on the other side are… not places suitable for mortals, however. Time passes strangely. Those unprepared to deal with the fey on the other side usually do not return.”

Of course. Nothing’s ever easy. “Do they attack intruders?”

“Some do. However, most are very curious about mortals. There are many legends of fey abducting mortals, especially young female mortals. If you enter without taking precautions, you may very well find yourself dancing for eternity. Or worse.”

I’m suddenly very glad I’m never going to use any of this knowledge. “I think I’m gonna pass on dealing with the fey, actually.”

“That is your choice to make,” she said, bowing her head for a moment.

“You mentioned that the elementals were man-made fey. What does that mean, exactly?”

“They were created to emulate types of fey from the past. It was an attempt to check Discord’s power by creating artificially powerful entities. It failed, I’m sad to say. That said, it was an ingenious idea. I would be very interested in discovering how they came upon knowledge of the fey after the world ended.”

“I’m planning on going to another one of the bunkers soon. If I find anything, I’ll let you know.” She bowed her head again. “I got your book from an old gypsy looking mare in a weird antique store full of enchanted items. What can you tell me about that place?”

“My book is not the only pocket dimension out there and you are not the only one who seeks to eradicate Discord. There are various ancient orders that fight against him. Most move only from the shadows, for showing your hand in this game usually means losing it. I imagine the one who held my book was a member of one of these ancient orders, though I do not know to which she belonged.”

“Do you know how to contact any of these organizations?”

“You do not contact them. They contact you.” I sighed. “Do not be disappointed. The reason they fight from the shadows is because they are essentially worthless, these days. You have done more in one year than any of them have done in their lifetimes. That is likely why they reached out to give you their assistance when they did. Without it, you would not have come this far.”

“Yeah, I would probably be dead or worse without your help.” She leaned in much closer and for some reason I started to sweat.

Her head tilted slightly. “I make you uncomfortable, Navarone.”

“...Sometimes a little, yes.”

“No. All the time, a lot. You distrust me.”

I sighed and leaned in as well, then placed one of my hands on one of her withered ones. Her head tilted back. “I don’t distrust you, Athena. If you want the truth, it’s that you… disturb me.”

She sighed and leaned back. “I have been… alone for a very long time, Navarone. I built my maze to protect me from Discord’s assassins. I hid it in a massive library in the most unused section. By the time it was found, I had been inside too long to leave. As more adventurers attempted to plunder its depths, I had to make the maze more dangerous just to survive.” She softly snorted. “Every legend about labyrinths comes from my maze, Navarone. I eventually brokered a deal with one of the few who made it inside. I promised to support him with my power if he protected my book. That began one of the first orders against Discord. It is also how I survived the nuclear apocalypse.”

“What do you know of Discord through human history?” I asked. “Did you see much of that?”

“That is a very… large topic,” she said. “To begin explaining it, I will have to start with how magic works in this world, on massive scales. It will also be a lot of magical history.”

Fleur won’t be here for a while. I’ve got time. “I’d love to hear it.”

She paused for a moment before her hand grasped mine back. “Magic comes from the life in an area around it. As the environment changes, so does magic. In areas with much ancient vegetation, you have considerably more magic. This creates more creatures of magic and more powerful magic users. Think of what power there is hidden in dangerous rain forests, Navarone. The medicines, the poisons, the temples of light and dark. Then in areas like deserts, where life is rare, magic is as well. This creates… a very sparse type of magic. There are a few areas of power and that is where societies congregate. There are two exceptions to this, the lands of what you know as the Middle East and Australia. They were both given… great curses. Australia by humans supporting Discord and the Middle East by Discord himself. All of that alone would take hours to explain.”

“I… don’t have that much time.” But I might later.

“In the last… one hundred or so years of your time, it should be obvious. He traveled through Europe, Asia, and Africa. Once America won the second world war, he took some very key positions in its military. That started the cold war and pretty much signed the death knell of the human race. I’m proud to say it was a very close fight, with my order. We came… so very close to defeating him. It honestly feels like there is no hope in defeating him now. I’ve watched all that I worked for crumble away in time…”

“What stopped you?”

“Other factions,” she replied with a sigh. “In my arrogance, I chose not to contact them when the end times were near and instead allowed them to continue their own paths. I will say, however, that they created a truly… fascinating world. But had they given me five more years, humans would have escaped to the stars!”

“That would have been pretty fucking awesome.”

She nodded. “Indeed it would have. It would have united us and killed Discord once and for all. The revenge we got instead was… lackluster.”

“What do you mean… revenge?” I slowly asked.

She patted my hand and leaned away. “That is not my place to tell. I have told you much today, Navarone. Do I disturb you less now?”

I looked down at her withered hand, still held over mine. Then I looked back up at her avian eyes. “Why did you give up your humanity, Athena? Why did you become… this?”

“What makes you think it was willing, Navarone?” That gave me pause. “Why did you become like that?”

“...I assumed it was just my lot to suffer in life.”

“These alterations are the consequences of powerful magic, Navarone. Primal magic. Spells are the most predictable pieces of magic in the world, but only if conditions are ideal. Should one part of the ritual be out of place, the entire thing could collapse in on its own power and create some horrific effects.”

“Like giving a guy a tail.”

“Or giving a girl a tail. How have you adjusted, Navarone?”

“...Poorly,” I sighed. “I thought I was making some progress, but I found out recently I haven’t been doing as well as I thought.”

“That is unfortunate. Would you change back if you could, knowing it would make obtaining your soul more difficult?”

“Knowing that… I dunno.”

“Admitting ignorance is admirable, Navarone. I am happy that you are capable of it. I will leave you now. Think about all we have discussed.”

“Of course.” How could I not? Jesus. She leaned forward and brushed my cheek with one of her hands before vanishing, taking her chair with her. As soon as I stood, mine also disappeared.

I honestly didn’t know how to feel about what just happened, so I put it to the back of my mind and walked over to Jak. His eyes were starting to look somewhat… sunken as they focused on one of his metal golem’s hands. He didn’t look up as I approached. “Hey Jak.”

He blinked and then his head slowly turned to look up at me. “Forerunner. How long has it been since… Since we last spoke?”

“Two or three weeks, probably.”

He stood up to his full height, put a hand to his back, and puffed his chest out. A groan escaped his lips as he stretched and started limbering up. “Oooh, I have been in this cursed place for far too long. What time is it?”

“Morning. I just bought a house. It’s got room for a workshop. If you come back with me, you’re welcome to outfit it.”

“I very much like that idea, lassie. I need some time away from… this. Come along, now.” He wrapped one of his hands around my tiny waist and placed me on his shoulder, then placed a hand on my lap to keep me in place. I didn’t say anything as he carried me back, but I did take a moment to wonder when he started looking at me like a granddaughter. “So what manner of estate have you acquired, hmm?”

“A really nice one. It’s got tons of room, a nice view, and a good aesthetic.”

“Good. You need me to make you lots of toys?”

“If by toys you mean golems, then fuck yes. I’d love to see some of those horrifying things guarding my house.” I wouldn’t have to pay them, either. “How’s the new one coming?”

“It’s doing well, lass,” he said. We finally got up to the top of the stairs and he placed me down next to him, then opened the book to suck us both in. We immediately got deposited in my room. When I looked around, I found that all the stuff past-me decided was future-me’s problems was gone and Kat was opening window blinds and humming. “I should have the next one outfitted within a week. It’ll take me another week or so to get all the runes inlaid. After that, I’ll bring the magic online and start fine-tuning it.” He walked over to the wall and looked down. “You definitely did good, lassie,” he said, nodding.

I walked up next to him and peered out. The storm was over, leaving the entire place coated in thick white snow. Spider was crawling around his tree, shaking snow off the branches. One of the guard squads was idly wandering around, poking into buildings and checking out the land.

“Both of the ships are gone,” Kat said when the windows were all wide open. “Gourd wanted to pick up the rest of the treasure while the weather was still clear.”

“Even if it’s crisp and cold as fuck,” I said. The windows were doing a surprisingly good job of keeping the chill out. “I guess I should have asked how much running this building normally charges a month, huh?”

“That’s why you have an accountant,” Kat said. “Silver took a guard and is running around the city now, making sure all the bills are in your name.”

“Is Smiles nearby?” Jak asked.

“Yeah, his lazy ass is around here somewhere,” I replied. “You want the full tour?”

“No need to worry yourself, lassie. I can smell laziness. I’ll find him.” He patted my shoulder for a moment. “Keep an eye on our friend Athena for now, if you don’t mind. I think I’ve spent a little bit too long with her, myself.”

“I agree,” I said. “Walk around the city a little. Get oriented. Outfit the shop whenever you’re ready. If you need extra money, let me know and I’ll handle it.”

He grunted. “I think I’ll start with some tea. I will see you later, forerunner.” He finally ducked out my doorway and started looking around the house. Hopefully he’d kick Smiles in gear and keep him from being annoying.

That left me in my room with a grinning Kat. “Are you finally ready to greet the day, Nav?” she asked.

“No, go fuck yourself.” She actually giggled. “I ain’t doing shit today. It’s cold as fuck and I’m not feeling it. I finally have a house and enough money to make other people do my shit for me. My ass is going in the tub all fucking day."

She shook her head, still grinning. “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that anymore, Nav,” she sighed. “We live in Canterlot now. You don’t get to have lazy days. You can’t just… laze about all day in your own filth, as appealing as you might find it. There are better uses for your time.”

I walked over and placed my hands on Kat’s shoulders. “If I don’t have my lazy days, I will literally murder people.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Actually, let me rephrase that. You will murder people for me.”

She nodded. “I understand the sentiment, but I’m afraid that’s still not—”

I placed a finger on her mouth, shutting her up. “Sssh.” Her head tilted slightly. “When have we stopped moving, Kat?” I asked.

“...Never. I’ve only known you to settle once, and it wasn’t for long…”

“I’m gonna let you in on a secret, Kat.”

“...It’s just the two of us here, Nav,” she replied, her wide eyes moving around the empty room.

“I am a boring, introverted homebody. I’m gonna be lazy all I want. There are gonna be days when I will lock that door and no one will see me. I don’t have to pretend to care about things anymore. All the stupid bullshit is… out there.”

She took a step back. “Nav, did you buy this house specifically to hide yourself away?”

“Fuck yes I did. Kat, I haven’t had a chance to be me in years. I haven’t really felt like I could relax in years. I got this house because I knew I could sequester myself all I wanted here.”

“And you thought we’d… let you?” she asked, her eyes glimmering in delight.

“You and Fleur may think you can dictate my life however you please, but don’t you forget for a moment who you swore to, Kat. You obey me. You obey my words. You don’t make deals behind my back. You don’t conspire against me. You either obey me, or you lose my trust.”

“...There are times you don’t make it easy, Nav.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should have considered that before cutting your palm open.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ugh, don’t be like that.” I sighed and walked over to my desk, then sat in the chair. She followed, of course. “This new home is going to be an adjustment for all of us,” she said, trying to sound diplomatic.

“Why do you wake up in the morning?” I asked. She blinked and opened her mouth, but I kept going, “And don’t start with some bullshit about how you wake up for me. What keeps you going, Kat? What’s your energy source?”

“...Not having a choice usually does it.”

“Never let it be said that I won’t give you a choice,” I replied. “You say the word and I’ll give you all the gold you can carry and you’ll never hear from me again. But I’m giving you that choice right now, Kat. You can either obey me, or you can get lost.

“...That’s a very unwise choice to give me,” she replied, walking up to the table.

“You can either work for me, or get out of this house. Working for me means doing what I tell you, not what Fleur tells you. Not what Taya tells you. Not what Twilight tells you. I’ll give you a satchel full of gold and send you on your way if you want to make deals behind my back, but here, in my house, my word is law. And if I say I’m taking a fucking lazy day, you will either stand by my door with a sword in your hand or you’ll be lazing around with me.”

“Have you ever been called… remarkable before?” she slowly asked.

“Go fuck yourself.”

She sighed and placed her paws on the table. “Nav…”

“I’m stretched thin, Kat. I’m literally a soulless automaton. I have been dealing with nonstop bullshit since I was created. I don’t think I need to spend time listing the bullshit I’ve been through.

“I’m not denying you need a break,” she said.

“This house is that break,” I said. “I… I can’t do it anymore, Kat. I can’t just keep pretending to fucking care about people!”

“It’s difficult, I know,” she said.

“Fuck yeah it’s difficult,” I said. “I surround myself with people like you to give me days away from everything else. This new home is going to be an adjustment, but it’s not going to be for me. For me, it’s like I’m finally really home. The adjustment will be for everyone else around me.”

“I… don’t think that’s what some of us were expecting.”

“Kat, we’re both apex predators. We don’t fuck around when it comes to relaxing. I need this. I need time. There are going to be days when I’m just not in the mood for dealing with anything. Especially when my period kicks in. I just can’t keep pretending to care about things. I just… I’m losing it.”

Her eyes moved to my hair for a moment. “Taya mentioned that you get moody in the winter.”

“Yeah, I do. It’s cold as fuck and I don’t have the energy to deal with stupid bullshit.”

She sighed and her shoulders slumped. “We weren’t expecting this at all…”

I grinned and leaned back. “We who?”

“Some of us were hoping you would… take to Canterlot better.”

“Kat, I’m not stupid and I don’t play games. Spill the beans.”

She sighed and finally fell into the chair across from me. “The people you’ve surrounded yourself with aren’t stupid either, Nav. Watcher. Gourd. Me. Doppel. Fleur. Taya. We’ve noticed that your behavior is different. We’ve noticed that you’ve begun to… fade. And we want to keep it from happening.”

“Fade… how?” I slowly asked.

“Nothing holds your attention as long, for one thing. You don’t seem to have any close relationships aside from Taya. You don’t seem to… feel anything. You just mimic. It’s like you’re… some manner of amorphous sludge sometimes, Nav.”

“Way to make a lady feel pretty,” I sighed.

“You don’t have any opinions, you don’t care about anything, you have nothing holding you down and nothing that you value. You don’t care what anyone else thinks, you don’t care what anyone else does. You don’t care about looking pretty, you don’t care about getting married. You don’t want children, you don’t want power, you don’t want friends. You don’t want gold or acclaim. Your entire species is dead and all that’s left are remnants. You are, as you said, a soulless automaton. And your friends are worried about you.”

I leaned forward and tapped my forehead with a finger. “There’s not much going on up here, Kat.”

“We all know, Nav. Winter is tough for everyone. You’re even worse off, after what Celestia did to you.”

I shook my head. “It’s not just winter, Kat. There hasn’t been anyone home in my head for a long time.” She blinked. “I haven’t cared about anything in a very, very long time. I can’t remember ever really caring about something, in fact. I’ve been fighting for other people since I got to Equestria. I don’t have to anymore. I don’t have to pretend to care. Why the fuck would I?”

“Gourd thinks you do care. He thinks you hide it well, but he’s trying to find it.”

“Gourd’s an annoying busybody,” I replied.

“Watcher thinks you’re worried.”

“Watcher’s an old man at the end of his time.”

“Doppel thinks you’re biding your time.”

“Doppel’s an old washed up slut.”

“Fleur—”

“Is not me.”

“...No, I suppose Fleur is not you. I suppose none of us are.”

“You all have expectations of me.”

“Absolutely.”

“And?”

She paused. A few moments later, her head tilted. “...And? Forgive me, I don’t understand.”

“Do you think this is a zoo, Kat?” She flinched. “I don’t give a single fuck what any of you people expect from me. I’ve gone through hell to get here. Like, I think I’ve actually seen hell, or at least some parts of it. You better fucking believe I’m faded, Kat. Because I’ve been through horrible shit. My mind has been torn asunder, literally, by who knows how many powerful entities. There’s no making me care anymore. Your worries are too late. I’m already dead inside.”

“Now you’re just being dramatic.”

“Fuck you, I’ll be emo if I want to.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m tired, Kat. Ever since I got here, everyone’s thought I’ve been distant. I’m just… not like you guys. Nothing’s really clicked for me. Taya’s the only thing here that I can say I care about, and even then, sometimes I wonder.”

“You’ve never had a soul.”

“Technically speaking, I guess I never did.”

“You think Discord’s stringing you along and he’ll make you disappear right before you can get your soul.”

“I think that’s a pretty good guess.”

“And you don’t think anything’s really worth the time just in case that’s what happens.”

“Bingo.”

“You’re almost there, Nav. Don’t let yourself fade away just yet.”

“I’m not gonna.”

“You do care.”

“...I might.”

She smirked. “Taya was right!” She hopped out of the chair, leaned across the table, and placed her paws against my face. “You’re worried about us!”

“...What?”

“You’re trying to protect us from Discord by distancing yourself from us!”

“No, I’m legitimately just a piece of shit.” I grabbed her paws and pulled them away from my face.

Her smile disappeared. “You aren’t making this easy.”

“I know, right? Sit down.” She did so, but she went back to smiling. “I don’t know who or what I am, Kat. For all I know, I could disappear at any moment or be forced to turn on everyone. I suspect that Discord made me, but I might be wrong. He hasn’t really popped in for a visit recently, or I would ask.”

“Let’s fix that,” an eerily familiar male voice said. I tried to stand, but something just sucked all the energy out of my body and I collapsed into my chair. “Please ladies, no need to rise.”

A kaleidoscopic disc of colors appeared above the desk. It quickly grew in size before engulfing the entire room. It finally disappeared, leaving a truly horrific chimera, a hideous amalgamation of creatures. It was the shape that Twilight called a draconequus. It was a shape I called butt-ugly.

At the moment, it was a shape that was facing me and grinning at me with its weird snaggletooth. “Good morning,” it said.

“...Howdy.” It continued staring at me with its fucked up yellow and red eyes and I awkwardly stared back. “Um. Can you… like, fuck off?”

“Surely the great Anonymous can do better than that,” it sarcastically replied.

“The great Anonymous had decades of planning, billions of dollars, and the backing of a good chunk of the planet. I’m afraid you’re dealing with the poor Navarone, not the great Anonymous. At the moment, asking you to fuck off is all I got.”

It snorted. “He was certainly a lot less polite than you are. He didn’t even let me say hello before yelling at me.”

“Have you considered… not being a complete dickwad?”

It disappeared, but I felt its presence behind me. I finally looked at Kat. Her eyes were wide open and she was twitching, like she was trying to move.

“I’ve considered many things, Navarone. Why… Navarone? Of all the names, why that one?”

“I dunno.”

Its mismatched hands appeared on my shoulders. They felt like nettles stinging my shoulders. “I do so adore that about your race. You put meaning into everything. Including this visit, I might add.”

“Yeah, I was kinda curious about that,” I said. “Not much going on this morning, huh? Decided to pay me a visit?”

“Yes.”

“...You bring donuts?”

“You wouldn’t eat them if I had. You’re creeped out.”

“And in pain. Your hands are not pleasant.” It slowly pulled them away and began floating around the room. I realized I could track its movements without even looking at it, just from the feeling of energy in the air. “Did you create me?”

“I did.” Welp, so much for worshipping god. Guess Discord’s the one, now.

“Why?”

“It’s not time for that question yet,” it replied.

“...Did you create me just to watch me suffer?”

“No, but I’ve been greatly enjoying it.”

“Man, fuck you.”

It suddenly appeared right in my face, its nose against mine. “Does the great Lady Navarone seek to add a new being to her list of conquered species?” My entire face was burning and I couldn’t pull away. Thankfully, he pulled away from me and turned his attentions to Kat. “Oh me oh my, the poor little kitty’s heart sounds like it’s about to burst. She cares for her mistress ever-so-much.” Kat bared her teeth at it and hissed. “Bad kitty!” He made a squirt bottle appear out of nowhere and squirted her with it. She flinched and sneezed. “Ugh, detestable thing. You should do yourself a favor and get a dog.”

“So why are you here?” I finally asked.

“I dunno.” God dammit. “Why are you here?” it replied.

“Because this is my bedroom,” I said with a shrug. “Only seems fair that I be here.”

“And you are my creation,” it said. “It only seems fair that I be wherever you are.”

“...Alright, that makes sense.” It left Kat alone and began roaming around the room again. “You know I wanna kill you, right?”

“That’s fine.”

“I don’t think I’m gonna succeed.”

“You’re very pessimistic.” It snapped its talons and Kat’s body lifted off the chair. It snapped again and all of her clothes vanished, only to be replaced by a bright pink cheerleader outfit. Her gloves were replaced by pom poms. “I think you need a cute cheerleader to brighten up your day!” Kat looked about as horrified as I felt, though I couldn’t deny that she was cute. “Let’s see a cheer!”

Kat dropped the pom poms, bared her claws, and pounced at the motherfucker.

He let her impact him and start tearing away at him, laughing all the while. Kat’s claws and teeth weren’t doing anything against him, of course. He was just giggling as she tried attacking his body.

“Kat, stop embarrassing yourself,” I said.

She finally pulled away from him and placed herself in front of me. I would have pushed her aside, but I still couldn’t move.

“That was certainly an inventive cheer,” it said with a grin.

“You showed yourself for a reason,” I said. “You’re not here right now just to dick around.”

“Did I? How very human of you, to assign motives to another. Perhaps I just wanted to say hello.”

“Right, forgive me for being an ungracious host. Hello, thing that literally destroyed my entire race.” He very theatrically bowed, then disappeared.

My body erupted with energy and I finally shot out of my chair. I looked all around the room, but the thing was gone. “What was that?” Kat asked.

“Discord,” I said. “Take those clothes off.” She looked down at herself with wide eyes.

As she started losing the cheerleader outfit, I ran to the door and flung it open. There was thankfully no one there, so I ran down the hall to Taya’s room and opened her door. She was still sleeping. I walked over to the bed and gripped her shoulders, then shook. “Uugh, whaaaat?”

“Get up.” She groaned and pulled away. I grabbed her again. “Taya, wake up!” I yelled.

She jerked away. “It’s too early, mommy!”

“Now, Taya!” She finally heard the urgency in my voice and her eyes popped open. She saw my face and her mouth dropped. “Get up, let’s go.” I dropped her and ran back to my room, where Kat had all the clothes from Discord piled up. She was wrapped up in a towel.

“What’s going on?” Taya asked when she got in my room.

“Burn those clothes,” I said. “Burn them until there’s nothing left, not even ash.”

“Mommy—”

“Now!” Taya’s horn lit up and the pile of clothes disappeared in a bright flash. Kat and I both sighed in relief. “How do you feel, Kat?” I asked.

“Scared out of my mind,” she replied. “You?”

“Same. I do kinda want donuts, though.”

“...Donuts would be nice,” she idly whispered.

“Mommy, why did you wake me up?” my loving daughter finally asked.

“Discord popped in for a visit,” I said. She gasped and I walked back over to my chair and sat my ass back down. By the time I did, Taya was right next to me. “Dude was legit horrifying.”

“He didn’t… he didn’t hurt you, did he?” she asked.

“No. He just left me with a lot more questions.”

“Did he… tell you anything at all?”

“He was remarkably unhelpful,” I said. “I was kinda expecting a grand speech about how I uncovered his big plot or something. Instead, he just said hello and turned Kat into a cheerleader.”

“...That sounds like him,” Taya said, her eyes looking down. I leaned in and hugged her. “I’m glad you’re safe, mommy.”

“I’m glad I’m safe, too. You can go back to bed now, Taya.”

“What?” She pulled away from the hug, confusion in her eyes. “What do you mean, go back to bed? Isn’t he here?!”

Kat and I looked around the room again before my eyes found Taya’s again. “I mean, probably. But fuck, what are you gonna do? He’s gonna be here all day. You might as well deal with his bullshit fully rested.”

“And leave you alone against him? You can’t even do magic!”

“He could snap his fingers and make me disappear. The one thing he very concretely told me is that he did, in fact, create me. I assume that if he made me, he can unmake me just like that,” I said with a snap. Before I could continue, I found myself somewhere very unexpected. Namely, strapped onto a table in front of Celestia.

Her horn lit up and my open mouth shut itself. She placed a hoof on my chest and closed her eyes, then started muttering. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but the words made my skin crawl and I heard whispered murmurs begin replying. My skin around her hoof started freezing and I began shivering. I idly struggled against the bonds, just to test them. As I did so, I heard the faint rattling of chains.

Celestia’s horn lit up brighter and six pieces of chalk appeared around her. One piece of chalk went to each wall and began drawing weirdly flowing shapes. Her volume slowly rose and the chalk began moving faster. Soon, all the pieces were moving faster than I could follow. She was speaking at a conversational tone, but the words were coming so quickly that I had no idea what she was saying. And it sounded like hundreds of people were replying to her, the meaning completely incomprehensible to me.

Finally, she stepped back from me and just stared. The ceiling and walls were covered in a strange script that seemed to change every time I saw it. “Hello, Discord,” she coldly said.

I waited for a reply, but none came. She was still staring at me. “I don’t think he’s coming,” I said.

“Don’t play games with me.”

“Celestia, do I look like I’m fucking around?” I asked. She lifted an eyebrow. “The dude just appeared in my fucking bedroom and told me he created me. Then he vanished without a trace. Will you let me go?”

“No.”

“Why am I here, Celestia?”

“Moonbeam and I did not spend all of our time in idleness,” she said. “We knew you might return someday, so we prepared a special prison for you. This is that prison.”

“...Are you fucking shitting me?” I asked.

“Vulgar as always, I see,” she said. “Well, do you have any last words before I lock you away for all time?”

“Um. I’m not Discord?” She snorted. “Celestia, open your eyes. If I was Discord, do you think these chains would bind me? Do you think you could have even teleported me in here? Do you even know what you’re dealing with, Celestia?”

“I know I’m about to leave and melt the key behind me. You know, I was honestly expecting more from the resurgence of Discord. Navarone was a very interesting piece to play, but he wasn’t nearly clever enough.”

“...That’s kinda hurtful,” I said.

“I’m not sorry,” she replied. “He wasn’t nearly as chaotic as anything Luna and I were expecting, which is why it took us so long to realize you were involved. Driving her away from me was a nice touch, but useless in the end. Now that I know it was your doing, I shall have her back at my side post-haste.”

“Can I maybe convince you that I’m not Discord?” I asked.

“No.”

“Alright. I just want to reiterate one more time, I’m definitely not Discord.”

“Goodbye, Discord.” Her horn lit up and… nothing happened. She blinked a few times, then her horn lit up brighter.

Something cracked and I looked to my right. A weird, fucked up talon shot through a hole in the wall and grabbed Celestia’s horn. She screamed as the talon wrenched her horn off. It detached like nothing. The talon dragged the horn over to the wall and placed it against the crack it was sticking out of, then started tracing a shape I was starting to become familiar with, the creepy draconequus thing. Once the outline was complete, it appeared, still holding the horn.

“Thank you for letting me borrow this,” he said, floating back over to Celestia. It placed the horn back on her head and patted her on the cheek. “You’re such a good filly.”

“How did you break free?” Celestia growled.

“I was never imprisoned, silly,” he said. “I knew bothering our good friend Navi would get your attention.” He reached down and pried the chains off of me. “There you are, dear.”

“Thank you,” I said. I had absolutely no energy to move anywhere, but at least I wasn’t chained down anymore.

“My pleasure,” he said, winking at me. Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “So, I believe we’ve all met,” he said. Celestia’s horn lit up brighter and nothing happened.

“Hey uh, you guys mind if I scoot on out?” I asked. “I think you two need some alone time. And honestly, I’m really not in the mood for guests this morning.”

“That might be best,” Discord said, grinning darkly. Celestia’s eyes widened, but before she could say anything, I was once more in my chair.

Taya was sobbing on the floor and Kat was gone. My daughter was the obvious choice, so I quickly swooped in and hugged her. “I’m right here,” I whispered. When she felt me hug her, she gasped. Her magic grabbed my body before laying me flat on the ground. When she ascertained that I did, in fact, exist, she sobbed again and hugged me. Her magic let me go so I could hug her back.

Before I could ask her what was going on, Watcher and Sentinel both teleported in, horns lit up bright. “Heard there was trouble, ma’am,” Watcher said.

“That there most definitely is,” I said. “And I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it, either. Discord appeared this morning. Might as well relax, though. He’s with Celestia now.”

“...Pardon my confusion, but is that really supposed to be relaxing?” Sentinel asked.

“I’m much happier with that thing very far away from me,” I said. “It’s… unsettling.”

“What did it want?” Watcher asked.

“...To say hello, apparently,” I replied. He and Sentinel shared a look. “No shit, dude.”

“Are you telling me that the antithesis of creation, the living embodiment of discord and chaos itself, popped in this morning to tell you hello?” Watcher asked.

“Yeah. How is this my fucking life?”

“Guess you won the lottery, my lady. Did he stick around for tea?”

“Nope. Celestia teleported me to some kind of creepy dark room, then did some weird magic to me and told me I was a prisoner for life. I told her to stop being a twat, which she didn’t appreciate.” Sentinel rolled her eyes. “Before she could leave, Discord appeared, freed me, then sent me on my way so the two of them could have a chat.”

“So what’s our next move?” Watcher asked.

“I’m thinking donuts.”

The light around his horn vanished. “Would you like an escort, my lady?” he asked.

“I think I’ll be fine without,” I said. “I thought for sure you’d be on one of those ships.”

“No ma’am,” he said. “I volunteered to sleep in this morning. It’s way too cold to be gallivanting about.”

“Go put the crotchety old man back in bed,” I said to Sentinel.

“I’m not crotchety yet!” Watcher said, slapping a hoof on the floor. “I like to think I’m very charming, in fact.”

“Fine. Go put the charming old man back in bed,” I said to Sentinel.

“As you wish, my lady,” she said with a bow. “Come along, you crotchety old stallion,” she said, herding him to the door. He grumbled, but let her lead him out.

I’m honestly surprised he just left without getting more information. My first guess is that he didn’t want to freak Taya out any more than she already had been. My second guess is that he didn’t believe me and just wanted to go back to bed.

Taya was still clutching my neck and crying, so I turned my attention back to her. “I’m still here, Taya.”

“...But you weren’t,” she mumbled.

“No, that was just Celestia being a meanie-head,” I said. “Discord’s currently giving her a talking-to, so hopefully she won’t be a problem again”

“I… I thought you were gone forever…”

Man, I wish I didn’t have to deal with this shit anymore. “I’m afraid not,” I said, patting her back. Kat finally walked back in, wearing another sun dress and gloves. “Chin up, Taya. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

It wasn’t as easy as that, of course. It took me about fifteen minutes to get her wrangled back to her room, where I deposited her to take a bath in peace. Kat and I met back in my room once Taya was in place.

“So that was horrifying,” Kat said.

“Oh yeah.”

“I don’t like that thing.”

“Oh no.”

“I kinda wanna kill it.”

“Join the club.”

She snorted. “So now what?”

“Now we go get donuts. Then you go do your errands and I’ll go to the palace to say hi to Celestia again. Hopefully she won’t try to imprison me for life this time. When that’s done, I’ll come back here and see where things stand.”

“You should not go to see Celestia alone.”

“Yeah, probably not. I’ll see if Twilight’s available to join me. She’s the only one that might stand a chance against Celestia.”

“...Wise. Can I pick out your next outfit?”

I sighed.

Once the two of us were ready to go, we found Taya and Doppel in the living room. I sent them to the warehouse to get a ton of gold, then told them to start buying supplies. While they were doing that, Kat and I went to get donuts.

They were pretty fucking dank.

When we left the donut shop, Kat hugged me and continued on her way, her tail wagging under her dress. I watched her for a moment before spreading my wings and flying to the palace. No part of me was looking forward to the coming meeting, but I knew I had to get it out of the way and the sooner I did, the sooner I wouldn’t have to dread it anymore.

I landed at the entrance closest to Twilight’s room, straightened my annoying flower crown that kept trying to blow away, and began walking there. The guards paid me no mind, which hopefully meant Celestia wasn’t freaking the fuck out.

For once, Twilight’s door was open. I could hear some talking as I grew closer. When I turned the corner, I found her with an older female unicorn. This one was off-white with white and purple hair. She was the one facing the door at the moment, so she was the first one to see me. When she did, her eyes widened and she cut Twilight off with, “Ah, Lady Navarone!”

That was good enough for permission for me to enter, so I continued walking in. “Yep, that’s me,” I said as Twilight turned. Her eyes widened when she saw me and she sighed, placing a hoof on her forehead. “Though I’m afraid I lack your name.”

The older mare looked at Twilight and said, “Well, aren’t you going to introduce us, honey?”

Twilight groaned and looked back up. “Hello, Nav. This is my mother, Twilight Velvet.”

Oh, fuck. “Nice to meet you,” I said, trying to sound pleasant. “Now seems like a bad time, though. I’ll come back later.”

Sparkle quickly nodded. “That would be—”

“Unnecessary,” her mother finished for her. “I don’t mind waiting for a moment, not if my daughter needs a moment with her special some… human.”

Sparkle groaned again and hung her head. “Nav’s not my special somehuman, mom,” she sighed. “We’ve been over this!”

“We also went over how you two went on a date yesterday,” she said with a wink toward her daughter. “And about your other… ahem, plans!”

Sparkle’s face lit up bright red. “M-mom, please!”

“No need to be worried, dear,” Velvet said, patting her daughter on the back. “Shiny and Cadance already gave us a grandfilly, so we’re not as worried about you anymore.”

“And technically speaking, I have kids already,” I said. “Adopted, of course, but still kids. So it wouldn’t be too big of a loss.”

“See there?” Velvet said. “Look how your special somehuman leaps to your defense!”

“Nav’s just doing it to watch me suffer,” Sparkle growled, glaring at me.

No, I’m just doing it to get punished later. Of course, she probably also knew that, but I had a feeling her mother wasn’t privy to that information. “Anyway, I came by to see if you’d be willing to join me in talking to Celestia,” I said.

“Why do you need me for that?” Twilight asked.

“Because you know her differently. If you’re not available, I can just go myself.”

“I know code phrases when I hear them,” Velvet said with a smirk. “I won’t stand in the way of a lover’s tryst.” Sparkle groaned again. “Now you treat my daughter right, Lady Navarone!”

“I’ll treat her just like a lady.” And fuck her just like a whore. “There’s nothing to be worried about, ma’am.”

She grinned sweetly. “Please, call me Velvet.”

“Of course, Velvet,” I said with a nod. “It was nice meeting you.”

“You as well, Navarone. And I’ll see you later, dear,” she said, swooping over to hug a very red-faced Sparkle. Thankfully, she teleported out after that.

“Ugh, finally,” Twilight said. “Now what did you really want?”

“I want you to join me in talking to Celestia,” I said.

She blinked. “Oh.”

“Discord paid me a visit this morning.” Her eyes jerked wide open. “After that, Celestia teleported me to some weird creepy prison thing, then did some magic on me to hold me in place. Discord showed up when she was done, set me loose, then sent me on my way. I’m hoping Celestia’s in the palace.”

“Did… did he hurt either of you?”

“He didn’t hurt me, but I have no clue what he did to Celestia. Wanna go find out?”

“Yes! What are we even waiting for? Let’s go!” She started galloping out and I sighed before following her. Given that her only real exercise for the last several months was ludicrous amounts of kinky sex with me, she got winded pretty quickly and slowed down, but didn’t stop.

We made pretty good time despite it and quickly skidded to a stop in front of Celestia’s door. Two very unpleasant looking royal guards were standing outside. They didn’t even flinch at our approach and didn’t make a move to stop us from going into her room.

Celestia wasn’t in the sitting room, so Twilight and I continued into her bedroom. There we found something that was both adorable and kinda horrifying: A very angry looking filly Celestia with no horn. She was on her bed and glaring at the ceiling when we walked in, but turned that glare to the two of us when we walked in.

“Princess, what happened?!” Twilight yelled, stopping in her tracks.

“Your friend,” she spat, glaring at me, “is Discord! He did this to me!”

Twilight looked at me in confusion. I rolled my eyes and said, “I’m not Discord, Celestia. He may have made me, but that doesn’t mean his goals are mine.”

“Aren’t they?” she growled. “You’ve split my power down the middle! You’ve destroyed my sister and tarnished my own reputation. You ended the war between the changelings and the griffins, strengthening both. You removed our assurance that the dragons wouldn’t attack! You ended a war in the far south that threatens to send new trouble our way. You unleashed over a dozen… elementals of unknown power on my kingdom! Everything you have done has threatened my power on all fronts, Navarone. You may not be Discord, but your actions paint a very clear picture of your true allegiance!”

“Celestia, don’t be a silly filly,” I said. Her eyes narrowed even more. “Let’s ask the neutral party, shall we? Twilight, do you think my actions were designed to help Discord or weaken him?”

“Don’t you consort with that thing!” Celestia shouted. “Get away from it, Twilight.”

“Nav is not our enemy,” Twilight said. Celestia’s mouth dropped and her eyes opened wide. “Everything he’s done has brought the world closer together, Princess. He’s greatly increased the amount of peace and happiness in the world. Going by everything I know of Discord, all Nav has done has weakened him.”

“While leaving us open to all kinds of threats!” Celestia shouted, jumping off the bed. “Especially now! Look at me, Twilight. I’m a filly with no horn! How can I defend Equestria like this?!”

“Taya’s gotten pretty good at weaponized cuteness,” I said with a shrug. “You’re definitely adorable enough to pull it off.” Celestia’s teeth started grinding so loudly I almost thought they’d break. “I think someone needs a belly rub!”

“If you touch me, I’m calling the guards,” she very coldly replied.

“That’s not what you were saying a few weeks ago!”

“Nav, please… please stop messing with the princess,” Twilight said. “Please.”

“Only if she stops calling me Discord,” I said.

“Princess, please stop alienating one of your most powerful allies,” Twilight said.

“That soulless abomination?” she said, looking me up and down. “I see no power there. Just a construction built to lie and lead the world into darkness. It seems that you’re lapping up every word it says with a smile on your face, Twilight.”

“Hey man, you had a smile on your face the last time you were lapping up something of mine, too,” I said with a smirk. Twilight slapped me across the face with magic, but I didn’t regret it at all. Judging by the blush on Celestia’s face, I scored a pretty good hit, too.

“Princess, you taught me to trust my instincts. You also taught me to trust my friends. My instincts are telling me that my friend isn’t Discord or an ally of Discord.”

“Discord put you in power, Celestia,” I said, crossing my arms. “And he created Chrysalis. He also cursed you and Luna with the Elements of Harmony. You’ve spent six thousand years trying to sweep that under the rug, but I know you’ve never forgotten it. We’re pretty similar, you and I.”

“Maybe. At least I have a soul!”

“You sure about that?” I asked. “If you have one left, it’s gotta be black as night. You murder ponies who ask questions or sentence them to be changeling food. You’ve summoned demons in the middle of population centers. You’ve started and continued wars between other species to keep them weak. I could keep naming things, but I’m not gonna waste my breath. In short, you are the most evil person I have ever heard of in the entire history of the world, barring Discord himself. You may have a soul, but don’t you dare call yourself better than me because of it.”

“I don’t need to be lectured on what is and isn’t evil by an agent of Discord!”

I looked down at Twilight. She sighed and said, “That all sounds pretty evil, Princess.”

“I did what I had to do to keep my ponies safe,” Celestia growled. “It may have been evil, but it was necessary!”

“Spoken like a true evil dictator,” I said. “Stalin would be proud.” She started grinding her teeth again. “Anyway, why did Discord turn you into a filly and steal your horn? Those seem like weird choices.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Celestia replied.

I looked down at Twilight again, who rolled her eyes and asked, “Why did Discord turn you into a filly and steal your horn, Princess?”

She snorted and said, “To teach me a lesson, apparently. This is supposedly what I get for snooping, eavesdropping, and… ugh, acting like a little filly. I detest that thing! I had forgotten how incorrigible it was. I’m surprised I didn’t realize Nav was Discord this whole time, since they act almost exactly alike.”

“...That’s kinda hurtful,” I said.

“I’m not sorry,” she immediately replied.

“Well you should be!” Twilight said. “We’re all working together to defeat Discord, Princess, whether you like it or not. We can’t afford to work against each other and we can’t afford to fight. That’s just what Discord wants!”

“What, you’re saying this is his way of dividing and conquering?” I asked. She nodded. “Yeah, that does kinda make sense. I was planning on being in Canterlot for a little while. He might not want us to work together on a way of killing him. Convincing Celestia I’m the boogeyman would also force me to get this show on the road, which I’m not ready to do yet.”

“I’m not working with anything created by Discord,” Celestia said, slapping a tiny hoof on the floor.

“Tell that to Moonbeam,” I said. She growled. “And yourself, for that matter. Because remember, you got all your power from him. Way I figure, if I’m dancing to Discord’s tune because he made me, so are you and Moonbeam.”

“Nav’s right, Princess,” Twilight said. “You’ve done some terrible, terrible things. Some of them have done more to empower Discord than anything Nav’s ever done.” Fucking wrecked.

“I feel like we’ve had this conversation more than once,” I said. “It always goes around and around about how you’re not a terrible person for doing what needed to be done to protect your ponies, even though the things you did were seriously fucked up. Way I figure, if you can’t admit that you may have screwed the pooch a time or two, I ain’t got no business here.”

“I have made mistakes,” Celestia said. “The biggest one was ever trusting you.”

“See, now we’re getting somewhere,” I said.

Twilight kicked my shin, which really fucking hurt. It also made Celestia smirk. “I have an idea,” Twilight said. “I can cast Deceit’s End. That way we can prove that he wants to kill Discord.”

“Except spells don’t work on Discord,” Celestia said.

“Proof’s in the pudding, then,” I said. “How many times have you horny bastards coerced me into doing bullshit with spells? If spells don’t work on Discord and if spells do work on me, then I can’t be Discord. Boom, get logic’d!”

“Spells don’t work on Discord unless he wants them to,” Celestia shot back.

“Now that’s just being contrarian,” I said.

“Stop being contrarian, Princess,” Twilight said.

“I’m not being contrarian!” Celestia shouted. Twilight’s horn lit up and I smirked. “Ugh, fine! Ask him your stupid questions! But it won’t prove anything.”

Twilight turned back to me. “What color is the sky?” she asked.

“Green.” Her horn lit back up. “I’m trying to kill Discord.” The light died off. “Boom, get spell’d!”

“Except it still doesn’t mean anything,” Celestia said.

“Have you ever seen spells work against Discord?” Twilight asked.

“That doesn’t matter,” Celestia said.

“So proof doesn’t matter to you?” I asked.

“That’s not what I meant at all,” she said. “Discord is a master of lies and he’s obscenely powerful. We all know what he’s capable of!”

“Can you stop being retarded for like five seconds?” I asked. Her eyes opened so wide I thought they might be about to bulge out of her cute little head. “I mean, god damn, woman. How many mental gymnastics are you gonna jump through? All you’re doing is talking in circles. I’m Discord because you know I’m Discord. You’ll take Discord’s word that he created me, but you won’t take my word that I’m working against him. You’re looking at proof I’m not him, but you don’t believe it because it doesn’t support what you already believe. No wonder you kill people who ask questions; you’re so blinded by your own arrogance you wouldn’t even begin to know how to answer them!”

“And what would you suggest I do?” she asked. “Work with a creation of life’s mortal enemy? How could I ever trust you?”

“Well, I’m working on getting a soul,” I said. “So far, everyone I’ve spoken to seems to think that’ll free me from whatever fate Discord has in mind. If you’ll recall, that’s part of why you let Twilight start learning about necromancy.”

“But you don’t have it yet,” she said.

“It’s attached to my body already, but it’s not actually in my body yet. That’s gonna be one of the things I’ll work on while we’re in Tartarus. There’s no guarantee the process will work for sure, but it’s a pretty good bet.” She snorted. “It’s the best I got, honeybuns.”

“Don’t you start with me,” she said.

“Nav, don’t you start with her,” Twilight said. I rolled my eyes. “Princess, the elementals have suspected that Nav was created by Discord for some time. They’re choosing to work with him and trust him regardless.” I wouldn’t say they’re choosing to trust me, but at least they’re working with me.

“The elementals have no bearing on me at all,” Celestia said. “I don’t care what they think or do.” Twilight’s horn lit up, somewhat surprisingly. I’m starting to think a certain filly might need a time out. Or a spanking.

“Now I understand why Discord turned you into a filly,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “You’re acting just like a foal.”

“How dare you!”

“It’s true!” Twilight said. “You’re looking right at the facts but you’re refusing to accept them. That’s exactly what a foal does. You have no proof at all for any of your claims about Nav, but you’ve already made up your mind so it doesn’t matter!”

“Boom, get school’d!” I said. Twilight kicked me again, but it was worth it.

“I don’t need this!” filly Celestia shouted. “Get out, both of you!” She disappeared in a flash. When that flash was gone, Twilight and I were looking at a baby Celestia. She was even wearing a diaper and had a pacifier in her mouth. One of her hooves held a rattle. I couldn’t stop myself from cracking up, but Twilight gasped. When Celestia realized what happened and that I was laughing at her, she threw the rattle at me as hard as she could. With her little bitty baby muscles, it made it half a meter before tumbling to the floor and rolling away. She glared at it for a moment before turning her sullen gaze to me.

“Are… are you okay?” Twilight asked.

Celestia spit the pacifier out and started making adorable baby noises. That made me giggle even more, which in turn made her start wailing. Twilight sighed and walked over to her, then lifted her with magic. “Nav, go… I don’t know, go somewhere else. I’ll see what I can do about fixing her.”

“Want me to send for extra diapers?” I asked between laughs. “Maybe some baby food? Oh, I know, I’ve got to find a camera! The newspapers are gonna love this!” Twilight groaned and teleported me to the other side of Celestia’s door. “Heh, totally birth it.” Neither of the guards even cracked a smile. “Get it? Because she’s a newborn?” Their eyes didn’t even twitch toward me. “Man, fuck you guys.” The lameos still didn’t reply, so I just left.

The flight back home was pretty nice, aside from being cold as fuck. It was also uneventful, so I got back quickly. The airships were still gone, somewhat surprisingly.

When I walked inside, I discovered that one of my guards was posted on the other side of the door. He hopped up and saluted when I entered. “The estate is safe and secure, my lady,” he said.

“Cool beans. Anything going on?”

“Both of the ships returned and dropped off more treasure. Captain Gourd thinks this will be the last trip. Doppel and Taya have been teleporting goods in since you left. Jak dragged Smiles out to go get supplies a few minutes ago. It’s been quiet, other than those.”

“Good. Is Kat back yet?”

“Not that I know of, my lady.”

Wow, I might actually have a few minutes to myself today. “If any guests come by or anything of note happens, let me know,” I said.

“As you command, my lady,” he said with a nod. I continued walking past him and then went right up the stairs to my room. When I got there, I closed the door and left a trail of clothes to the bath, where I proceeded to luxuriate in the hot, soapless water. Well, until a few bars of soap teleported in with a familiar crack of magic, at which point I finally cleaned myself up. By the time my body was clean, some hair cleaning stuff teleported in as well and I got started on washing my ridiculously long hair.

It was pretty fucking nice.

The arrival of Kat with Fleur in tow kinda ruined it, though. Especially since Kat just let herself into my room and Fleur followed behind her. Kat was carrying a few bags that she set next to the door. It took them no time at all for them to find the trail of clothes and follow it to me.

“Just let yourselves in and make yourselves at home, why don’t you?” I sarcastically asked, making no move to cover myself.

“It’s not like there’s any part of you we haven’t seen,” Kat said.

“Though I do apologize for the intrusion,” Fleur said. “Katrina assured me you wouldn’t mind.”

“Yeah, I’m just fucking with you. Today’s been a really shitty day.”

“Yes, Katrina has… given me a few of the details.”

“She missed the part where Discord turned Celestia into a newborn foal and also stole her horn.” Kat cracked up, but Fleur gasped in horror. “Apparently it was to teach her a lesson about being a bitch. It didn’t work, because she continued being a bitch. Twilight’s working to reverse it now.”

“So w-what do we do?” Fleur asked. “If he’s really active, we can’t just do nothing!”

“Why not?” I asked. She blinked. “Dude’s been free since before I got here. If he wanted to do something, he’d do it. At the moment, he’s just watching and waiting. Way I figure, there ain’t no hurry. He just popped in this morning to start drama, and it worked. So for now, I’m content to just move at my own pace. He can suck a big ol’ bag of dicks.”

“I… see. And what about Celestia?” she asked. “If she’s truly a foal, now might be an excellent time to… see to certain things.”

“It’s too soon,” I said. “Twilight’s not necessarily on our side yet.”

“Very well,” she replied, though she sounded doubtful.

“So what do you think about the house?” I asked.

“It’s lovely,” she said. “I’m looking forward to seeing you turn it into a manor befitting the great lady of nature.”

“It’s certainly gonna be a journey,” I said. “Do you have any plans for the party yet?”

“Oh, absolutely,” she said. “That will also be where we officially announce that you’re going to compete in the pageant. I can go ahead and get a few interviews lined up, after that.”

“I’ll warn you now that I’m leaving in a week and I’m not entirely sure when I’ll be back,” I said.

“What? Already? I thought you said you would be here for a while!”

“Twilight wants to go to a festival with me,” I said. “After that, I’m going to see if I can break into a human facility. With luck, I’ll be back within two weeks.”

“What manner of festival?” Fleur asked.

“A griffin fertility one,” I said. “I’m predicting a whole lot of boning going on. I’m gonna be in disguise, so I’m probably going to have a lot of fun.”

“That sounds… interesting,” Fleur slowly said. “I advise caution. Especially around a substance called mead.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, waving a hand.

“Especially with me there to protect you,” Kat said with a nod.

“Nope, not gonna happen,” I replied. “It’s just gonna be me and Twilight.”

“That isn’t like her,” Kat slowly said.

“We have our reasons. Besides, it would be hard for me to go in disguise with you there.”

“It’s going to put us behind schedule,” Fleur said. “But we can make it work. What plans do you have until then?”

“I was thinking about going to see the mages tomorrow, unless shit hits the fan. Otherwise, I don’t have anything in mind.”

“Excellent. There’s a soiree in a few hours. You and Blossom are both going to be there.”

“‘Kay.”

She waited for more, but I didn’t have anything else to say. “...Right. Good. Kat knows the details. She’ll fill you in while you get ready.”

“Alrighty.”

Fleur and Kat shared a short look before their gazes turned back to me. “You agreed to that fairly quickly,” Kat said.

“I know.”

“I find that disconcerting,” Fleur said.

“Okay.”

“I think we’re both wondering why,” Kat said.

“Oh.”

Fleur sighed and asked, “Why did you agree so quickly?”

“Because I don’t want to fade away and become like Discord. I’d rather force myself to get out and socialize and prepare my body for my new soul than sit in this house and rot. Maybe I’ll enjoy it, maybe I won’t. At least I’ll be working on my reputation.”

“Which affects all of us,” Kat said. “The way you are seen changes how ponies treat the members of your house. Especially those of us who aren’t ponies ourselves.”

“As your reputation improves, you’ll likely find yourself being approached by suitors,” Fleur said. “As will some of your vassals and servants. I imagine the mood around your house will also lighten.”

“All of us know we have a long road ahead,” Kat said. “Morale isn’t exactly the highest. A lot of the guards are wondering what we’re going to do after the trip is over. You’ve made no signs that you have any long-term plans, so some of them are thinking they’ll be jobless.”

“Jobless and rich,” I said. “Once Silver Quill gets that treasure from the dragon doled out, none of them will need to work a day in their lives, unless they want to.”

“Serving a noble with a dark reputation still surrounds them with stigmas,” Fleur said. “Becoming beloved and accepted in Canterlot will likely increase their morale. Making sure they know you have no intention of retiring after this adventure will also help.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” I said. “Having a bad reputation is bad for everyone, not just me. I’m working on it.”

“No, you’re being lazy,” Kat said. “Even being seen in Canterlot doing normal things can help.”

“Fucking fine, Jesus,” I said, standing up. Water started falling off my body and Fleur floated me a towel. I uncorked the tub and stepped out, drying myself off. “You don’t have to fucking ride my ass about this, damn.”

“Apparently we do,” Fleur said. “Of course, that’s what friends are for!”

Ugh. “What the fuck ever. So what are we doing, Kat? Whatever it is better be either inside or near a fire, because I’m not in the mood to freeze my nipples off.”

“I’m sure we’ll figure something out,” she said with a very unpleasant smirk.

By that, she apparently meant that we were going to a play. It was pretty shitty and uncomfortably long. After that, we went to get food. By the time we finished there, it was time for the stupid soiree. I really didn’t want to go, but Kat was extremely insistent.

We spent an hour at the stupid party. Most of my time was spent near a wall with Blossom and Kat, cursing existence and dreading ever having been born.

I decided I was done being around ponies before the party was over and decided to call it. Kat pouted at me, but she didn’t try to stop me from heading toward home.

The pouting stopped when I locked arms with her, though. It looked super cute to everyone else, but the real reason I did it was to stop myself from slipping on the icy roads. And if I ended up slipping anyway, at least I’d take her with me.

When we got back inside, the first person we saw was Doppel, who walked to the foyer from the kitchen when she heard the door open. She grinned when she saw me. “Welcome back, mistress.”

“It’s good to be home,” I said. “How did the search for supplies go?”

“Very well. We outfitted all the bedrooms and bathrooms. We got most of the basic kitchen supplies. All of the cleaning closets have been set up and we also put in a few basic first aid kits, in case a unicorn isn’t available. We’ll begin looking for paintings tomorrow, unless you want to paint some yourself.”

“I wouldn’t be able to now anyway,” I said. “I don’t have an elemental in me anymore.”

“Oh. We’ll also look for other decorations and things a house might need,” she said. “I do have a recommendation, though: You should get a wagon. It’ll make moving large quantities of goods easier and it means we won’t require a unicorn to move basic supplies around.”

“Can you handle getting one?” I asked.

She blinked in surprise. “Um. I don’t know anything about buying and picking wagons.”

“Guess that’ll be another job for Silver,” I said. “Man, I’m gonna work that poor girl to death.”

“You’re paying her very well for it, though,” Kat said. “And she seems happy to do everything you’ve asked.”

“Well, whatever. If it needs to get done, it needs to get done. Any luck finding more employees?”

“I’m afraid not,” Doppel said. “Despite everything that’s happened, a lot of ponies are still afraid of changelings and wouldn’t want to work with us. Between me and the crew of your new airship, you might not find many ponies willing to serve you.”

“Keep looking. There’s bound to be someone out there. I don’t want the airship crews and the guards pulling double duty cooking and cleaning. That shit just ain’t right.”

“Of course, mistress. By the way, now might be a good time to start coming up with uniform ideas.”

“...Why?” I asked.

“Because all servants wear uniforms,” she replied with a shrug. “It’s a way of distinguishing us for any visitors. That way, no guests will ever ask someone like Watcher or Taya to bring them something.”

God dammit. “I thought you said you were done wearing a maid outfit.”

“That was before you became a lady and bought a house in Canterlot. That said, I would prefer that our outfits not be completely fetishistic, like my last dress. Practical ones would be much nicer.”

“Way to take the fun out of it. I don’t suppose that’s something you could handle? I honestly don’t give one single fuck what you guys wear, as long as it isn’t something retarded or something that’ll make me look bad.”

“...I suppose I could handle it,” Doppel said. “I am head of household, after all!”

“Yep, that’s right. Anyway, I noticed that the Second Chance is back, but not the Ambassador. Where’s the changeling ship?”

“Gourd took it to get registered,” Doppel said. “Apparently they won’t be able to dock anywhere aside from here unless they have the right papers.”

“Ah, good. And all the treasure is done?”

“Yep! Silver’s counting the last of it now. Spike is lounging around in it.”

“Good. What about Jak?”

“He picked up a few tools, but couldn’t get everything he needed without a wagon or a unicorn. Apparently anvils are heavy.”

“Just a little bit. Anything else going on?”

“Nope!”

“Then I’m gonna go lock myself in seclusion. Let me know if anything interesting happens.”

“You got it, mistress!” Doppel went back to the kitchen as Kat and I went up the stairs. The two of us went right back to my room and Kat locked the door behind us.

When we were finally free, I sighed in relief, reached into my shirt, and pulled my bra off. “God, I hate being a woman.”

“It has a few upsides,” Kat said. “You certainly weren’t complaining last night. And you definitely won’t be complaining tonight…” She was eyeing one of the bags she brought in earlier. I had a suspicion she took a visit to the Crop, but I didn’t ask.

“Eh.” I stripped out of the heavier clothes and walked over to the desk. A certain laptop was calling my name. I booted it up and got lost in the wonderful world of procrastination.

While I was dicking around, Kat was rooting around in her bags for something. She finally found what she was looking for and pulled out a small harp. I lifted an eyebrow as she walked over to the desk and sat across from me. “I learned how to play this ages ago,” she said. “I haven’t touched one in a while, so forgive me if I’m rusty.”

I didn’t reply as she started plucking at the strings. It took her a while to remember all the notes, but soon enough, she was playing some kind of quiet and soothing music. It was nice, but I couldn’t help but think that I could play something better from the laptop.

But I didn’t want to be rude, so I let her play.

Night fell quickly enough. The day had been a fairly shitty one, all things told, so I wasted no time going to bed with the hopes that the next day wouldn’t be awful.

Thankfully, Kat was willing to help me end the day on a very pleasurable note. It still felt wrong to even let her be doing it, but my vagina certainly wasn’t complaining.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Three—A Day in the Life of a Princess

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Three—A Day in the Life of a Princess

The next morning was a fairly overcast one, which made me honestly not want to even get out of bed. Unfortunately, Kat was standing next to it with a plate of food in one hand and a feather in the other, and she was threatening to climb back in and tickle me if I didn’t take the food and get up.

I ate as petulantly as I could while she walked around the room, opening the blinds again. There wasn’t much of a reason for her to bother, because it didn’t really let much light in. I guess it was the thought that counted or whatever.

Once I had finished eating, I got dressed, eschewing the brightly colored clothes Kat tried forcing on me in favor of all black. It was mostly just to spite her, of course. When I was fully clothed, I stepped out of my room and hopped over the railing to glide down to the foyer. It was better than taking the stairs and feeling my stupid tail drag, though Doppel stared at me very disapprovingly when I landed next to her.

“I don’t need your judgment,” I said.

“Too late, mistress,” she replied. “That is very improper behavior for my lady.”

“Eat a dick.”

“Already did,” she said, winking at me. “Anyway, what are your plans for the day?”

“I’m probably gonna go see the mages in a few hours. I don’t have any plans after that.”

“I sincerely hope you aren’t planning on lazing about the house all day.”

“Um. Why not?”

“Because the more ponies you get to know, the more ponies will come to visit. The more ponies that visit, the more I get to strut my stuff! If they all see that a changeling can do a good job as a head of household, they’ll be quicker to accept us. Some ponies might even want to hire more changelings!”

“Oh.”

“Really, mistress, you should try to be more selfless.”

“I’ll do my best,” I sarcastically replied. “Who else is awake?”

“So far, Sunny Disposition, Silver Quill, Kat, and a few of the guards.” She shook one of her back legs and shivered. “A few of the larger guards, at that. I spoke to Silver about going with us to pick up a wagon. She said she would be happy to.”

“Good. Do you know if she finished counting the money?”

“She did. If you would like to ask her about it, she’s in the sun room.” I looked around the foyer for a moment before she added, “The room with the large window, right there.” She finished by pointing to the room with the large window and all the tables.

“Alrighty, I’ll go talk to her. Keep being adorable.”

“I’ll do my best, mistress,” she said with a curtsy.

Kat had caught up by then and followed me into what we were apparently calling the sun room. A few of the guards were sitting at one of the tables, eating breakfast. Silver was at one of the tables against a wall. She had paperwork on one side and a cup of tea on the other. She didn’t notice as I walked over and sat across from her.

It wasn’t until I gently knocked on the table that she blinked and then looked up. “Oh. Good morning, my lady.”

“Howdy. I heard you finished counting up the gold.”

She nodded. “Yep! I’m in the process of tallying up who should get what now, based on the estimated value of all the gems and other treasures in the pile.”

“Cool beans. Once you get that sorted out, give the numbers to Watcher and Gourd. They can handle doling it out.”

She shook her head. “I don’t mind doing that at all, my lady.”

“You got enough on your plate. Those two don’t have much going on.”

“I’m not that busy!”

“Silver, stop asking for more work.”

She blinked. “I… hadn’t thought of it like that. I guess this is work, isn’t it?”

“I mean… yeah. You’ve been working for me for a little while, now.”

“Yeah… I guess everything since I got freed has felt more like a dream…”

“...Are you feeling okay?” I asked.

She blinked a few more times, then nodded. “Of course, my lady. It’s just… Well, everything that’s happened since you found me has been so amazing!”

“Shit… Your life before must have really sucked, then. I’ve been working your ass off and you’ve been flying around the world in a rickety wooden ship for a while.”

“It… wasn’t really the best. They didn’t send many good traders into Africa. They sent the crooked, the criminals, and the cruel. My last boss wasn’t the nicest pony. He… convinced me that I wouldn’t have a chance anywhere else.”

“Sounds like an asshole. Guess he got what was coming to him.”

“I suppose, though I hate to think of it that way. I’ve seen so many wonderful things because of you, Nav. I never really… really got out much before my boss dragged me to Africa. I know I haven’t been with you for long, but seeing so much of the world like this is amazing!”

Man, that’s kind of sad. “It’s never too late to start again, I guess. I’m going out of town for a week or two soon. I want you to take that time off.”

“What?! Why?”

“You haven’t had any time to decompress since you got back. Once you get this bonus out to everyone, you’ll have some scratch. I want you to relax. Go on a vacation somewhere, maybe. Find a special somehorse or hire a few prostitutes. Just take some time to yourself. My finances will be fine for a week or two.”

“I… suppose some time off would be nice. I’ve never really… had this much money to play with before…”

“Don’t go too crazy,” I quickly said. “That much money all at once can go to your head.”

“Oh trust me, my lady, I know. I’m an accountant, remember? I’ve seen it happen. I will very much take care.”

“Cool. And you’re fine with helping Doppel pick out a wagon today?”

“Of course, my lady. It’ll give me time to pick out decorations for my own room, too.”

“Baller. What are you up to after that?”

She shrugged. “I’ll probably go back to trying to appraise your magical artifacts. I might take a trip to the gem mine soon to find out its output.”

“Before you do those, can you get with Gourd, Watcher, and the changeling captain and go over trade routes with them? You don’t have to go with the ships if you don’t want to, but I do want you to get them started in the right direction. And make both of them look for passengers as well.”

“That should be easy enough. After our experiments, we’ve discovered one trade route that’s very successful and one passenger route that works very well. Gourd’s ship would be better for moving cargo and Sketch’s ship will be good for moving passengers. If… Well, if the passengers can get over their pet pony.”

“The dude’s name is Sketch? Seriously?”

“Yes, my lady. The changeling’s name is Sketch. Did you… did you forget already?”

“I actually just never asked. I’m bad with names, Gold.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Gold Pen. Isn’t that right?” She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, the pet pony might weird some people out. But that’s part of what they’re trying to fix. Apparently he has a special outfit for being around other people, so it might not be that bad.”

“We’ll see, I suppose. The more they travel, the more deals and contacts they’ll make, which will in turn increase their revenue. Gourd’s told me that he knows a few… less than reputable dealers across the sea if we want to—”

“We don’t,” I immediately said. “Keep everything above-board. Nothing illegal, no exceptions.”

“A wise choice, my lady. Watcher has also noted that the spider flag we possess grants us access to them. Apparently you have good relations with some of them. He thinks we could open trade with them and gain access to a completely untapped market.”

“...I’ll negotiate with them myself, later. And I’ll only take volunteers with me when I do it.” I might need to keep in contact with Arachne, anyway, and there’s no telling what else might be in those jungles. “You weren’t around for that. Trust me when I say Spider is not at all a good example of the rest of them.”

“So I’ve heard… my queen.”

“Eat a dick.”

“Gourd happened to mention that the monkeys might also be really good trade partners for us… Should you return to them, that is.”

“Eat a whole bag of dicks.” She giggled, for some reason. “Anyway, I’ll leave you to your tea. Keep up the totally bodacious work.”

“Of course. I think.” I reached over and booped her on the nose, then hopped out of the chair and walked to the table with the guards.

“Doppel might need some volunteers to help do errands later,” I said. “I’m sure she’d be very grateful to any volunteers.”

One of the guys immediately said dibs, but Sanguine Rose waved a hoof and said, “Fuck your dibs. You already had a turn with her this morning! Some of us are in heat, you know. I got dibs!”

“Yeah, think of the ladies,” one of the other guys said. “And also me, because you better believe I’m gonna volunteer, too.”

I decided to dip out before they could all start arguing about who got to fuck my maid next and walked back to the foyer. Doppel wasn’t there anymore. As far as I was concerned, that completed my list of priorities for a few hours, so Kat and I went back up to my room to chill.

Or at least, that’s why I went up there. Once we were actually in my room and I was seated, Kat walked up to my desk and placed two wooden daggers on it. “You’ve been neglecting your training, Nav,” she said.

“Yeah, maybe a little,” I replied, pulling my laptop out.

Before I could open it, she placed a paw on top of it. “We are going to Tartarus, Nav. Do you think now is really a good time to let your skills degrade?”

“No, probably not. Your paw is in the way.”

She grabbed one of the daggers with her other paw and placed it on the laptop. “Don’t play dumb with me.”

“But it’s so much fun!”

“Too bad.” She finally pulled away and grabbed the other wooden dagger. “You have two choices, Nav: You can defend yourself or you can just let me beat you with this hunk of wood.”

God dammit. “I don’t have much practice with a dagger.”

“Now seems like a good time to start. It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone how many times I beat you…”

I sighed and regretfully wrapped my hand around the dagger, wondering if Taya would be awake to heal me by the time I needed it.

Turns out the answer was yes. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up waking her up, given that we were making way too much noise. Taya trotted into my room maybe an hour after Kat and I started. She assessed the situation for a moment before stopping Kat with magic and then floating me over to the door.

“Good morning to you, too,” I said while I was floating.

“Sorry Kat, but mommy hasn’t been doing her duties. I have to borrow her.”

After that, Taya released Kat. “Very well,” she replied. “You might need to fix up a few bruises.”

“Have you been hurting my mommy?” Taya sweetly asked.

“Maybe a little.”

“She forced me to fight,” I said, crossing my arms. “And threatened to beat me if I didn’t.”

“Good,” Taya said with a nod. “Keep up the good work, Kat.”

“As you wish, my lady,” Kat said with a small bow. Taya giggled and walked out, dragging me with her. I sighed and dropped the wooden dagger.

“So what duties am I neglecting?” I asked.

“Belly rubs and cuddles, mostly,” my daughter said. “But I’m sure I can think of a few more while you’re making up for lost time.”

Being a parent is hard work. She walked into her room and floated me over to her bed, then dropped me and hopped up next to me so she could hug me. “And we couldn’t do this in my room?” I asked. “My bed is bigger.”

“But then your scent wouldn’t be on my bed, silly!”

“Should I just start giving you my dirty socks?”

“Ew, no!”

“I’m just sayin’. You always talk about my smell. There isn’t much smellier about me than my feet.”

“I don’t want the stinky smells, thank you. Maybe some of your shirts, though…”

“I’ll think about it.” I flipped her over and started rubbing her belly, making her sigh in delight. “You’re such a tummy slut, Taya.”

“I l-love being your little tummy s-slut, mommy…”

And now it feels creepy. I didn’t stop, though. “You know you could have just asked, right? You didn’t have to fly me over here.”

“I k-know.”

“Alternately, you could learn to live without them. You’ll certainly be spending a lot less time with me once I get you a coltfriend.”

“Then I don’t w-want a coltfriend! I just… I just want you…”

Psh, gay. “You don’t want to live your entire life shackled to me, Taya.” She rolled over and scrunched up in an adorable filly ball. “I’ll always be there to help and support you, but you have your own life to live.”

“Well I don’t want it!” she suddenly shouted before scrunching up even tighter. “I just wanna be with you!”

Oh boy, here we go… I put my hand on her back. “What’s wrong, Taya?” Every time you get super weird or bitchy, there’s a reason.

“...Nothing.”

“Oh, good. I thought something triggered this. Instead you just randomly decided to get more possessive than normal.” She grunted. “Cut the shit, Taya. What’s wrong?”

“I… I thought you were gone…”

“I haven’t left the house all day.” Though the day hasn’t been going on for long.

She finally unballed herself to glare at me. “No! After… that thing was here! You just… you just disappeared in front of me! I thought you were gone…”

“Nope. Celestia just wanted to say hi.” And try to imprison me for life.

“But you could just… disappear one day… Discord made you!”

“I haven’t disappeared yet,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t. Something something enjoy the time you have.”

“Did you just say something something, mommy?” she very coldly asked.

“Look, the point is, I’m here now. We live very dangerously, Taya. Our enemy is the antithesis of life, something so powerful that I can track its presence in a room just by its energy. It has the power to do… I guess literally anything. Sure, it could snap its fingers and make me disappear, but I could also get killed any number of other, more mundane ways. Life is fickle, random, and most definitely not fair. You have to be prepared for the fact that something bad could happen to me and you have to be ready to move on should it ever occur.”

“No I don’t!”

“I need you to be, Taya. I’m gonna do my best to survive, but if anything ever happens to me, you need to move on.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You better make sure nothing ever happens to you, mommy.”

“I have no intentions of getting hurt. But if I do—”

“You won’t,” she said. “I won’t let you!”

“If I do—” She closed my mouth with magic and jumped on top of me to hug me.

“That’s enough talking, mommy. Back to the hugging!” At that point, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to. That said, I also didn’t seem to have much of a choice. My arms slowly wrapped around her and she sighed in delight.

Well before Taya was done with me but well after I was bored, we were thankfully interrupted by a knock at her door. She sighed dramatically and used magic to open it, revealing everyone’s favorite slutty bug horse, Doppel. She entered and eyed the two of us with some small amusement before saying, “You have a guest, my lady.”

Thank god. “Let me up, Taya.”

“Ugh, do I have to? Can’t the guest just come up here?”

“I’m not gonna make my guest walk up four flights of stairs,” I said. “Get off.” She sighed again and snuggled me extra hard for a moment before finally pulling back. I got to my feet and stretched. When my body was ready, I started walking to the door. Taya watched me go, not even making an attempt to follow me. Doppel pulled the door shut behind us as we left her room behind.

I walked over to the ledge and looked down. Queen Moonbeam was waiting below. Since it was her, I put a hand on the side and started to hop over, but Doppel quickly grabbed me and yanked me back. “Don’t you dare, mistress!” she hissed.

“I don’t like keeping guests waiting,” I whispered. “It’s rude.”

“So is jumping down the stairs like a hooligan!”

I rolled my eyes and started walking down the stairs, since it apparently meant so much to her. Instead of following me, she hopped over the side and fluttered down, smirking at me as she went. I narrowed my eyes at her, but continued on my way like a responsible adult.

When I finally got to the bottom, Doppel was standing next to the stairs with a smile on her face. “I present Queen Moonbeam, my lady.”

“Thank you, Doppel,” I warmly said. You little shit. “That will be all.” She curtsied and wandered off to the kitchen, just barely stopping herself from prancing.

“I see you’ve finally taught your slut how to truly serve you,” the queen bitch said, watching her go. Doppel lost the spring in her step and just slunk off. Moonie smirked at her departing back for a moment before looking back at me with a warmer smile.

“I would appreciate you not bad mouthing my excellent head of household,” I said, crossing my arms. Doppel’s head picked back up and she finally made it to the kitchen.

Moonie snorted and rolled her eyes. “Have you visited Princess Celestia recently?”

“I saw her yesterday,” I said. “She was looking remarkably well for her age.”

“Indeed. Twilight Sparkle informed me you might know more about that.”

“Twilight knows everything I know,” I said with a shrug. “Discord popped in for a visit yesterday, told me that he created me, then dipped out. A few minutes later, Celestia teleported me to some weird cell, did some magic to me, told me I was there for life, then seemed awfully surprised when Discord showed up before she left to free me and have a chat with her. He turned her into a filly and took her horn to teach her a lesson.”

“...I see. May we talk privately?”

“Sure. Wanna—” Her horn lit up and we teleported out. When I looked around, I discovered that we were in one of the rooms in the palace. She had a pretty good view overlooking Canterlot. “That works, too.”

“Discord’s visit puts us in a very… awkward position,” she said. “Especially now that we know he created you. Well, according to him, anyway.”

“Yeah, before Celestia got turned into an actual baby, she was a filly and had all kinds of things to say to me. I don’t think she’s happy that she’s been fucking something Discord created.”

“No, I don’t imagine she would be. Twilight is still working to fix her, but I doubt she will be successful.”

“Yeah, circumventing Discord’s magic probably isn’t gonna happen. Celestia’s just gonna have to learn not to act like a little kid.” She lifted an eyebrow. “That was the lesson Discord was trying to teach her. Apparently Celestia threw a tantrum in front of him, so he made her a kid until she could act her age. She threw another tantrum while talking to me and Twilight, so she got aged down even more.”

“How very… poetic. So who is going to run her country until she ages up?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. Are you worried he’ll come for you next?”

She stared at me in silence for a few seconds before shaking her head. “I am not worried. If he comes, he comes. I have an idea. It’s not one that Celestia will be happy about, but it will prevent panic. I propose that we replace her with a drone controlled by one of the elementals until Celestia is back to herself.”

“I really don’t like that idea.”

“And why is that?”

“My trust in the elementals is… shaken. I believe they could do it, but I’m not certain they’d be happy to give the power up.”

“Well, I wouldn’t trust a sentient or even an intelligentsia. I certainly wouldn’t trust my throne to another, so I can’t take her place. Do you propose that we just do nothing and hope for the best?”

“If we could convince Celestia to stop acting like a little child, she’d probably get turned back. Of course, that’s easier said than done.”

“What of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?” Moonie asked. “Do you think she could assist?”

“Cadance has her hands full with her own kingdom,” I said. “We could ask, but I doubt she’d come. Although she did say she wanted to see me while I was in town. Why don’t you convince Celestia to grow up?”

She rolled her eyes. “I couldn’t do that back when she was my pupil. I highly doubt the years have made her any less stubborn.”

“...Maybe she needs a spanking?”

Moonie stared at me blankly for a few seconds before sighing and shaking her head. “I’m actually thankful you’ve never had children, now. You don’t spank babies, Nav! Fillies, perhaps, but not babies.”

“Fine, whatever. Do you really want to risk giving the elementals the strongest kingdom in the world? If they decide not to give up that power…”

“I see no other option,” she said.

I sighed and walked over to the window. It looked like another happy, peaceful day in Canterlot. As soon as the news about Celestia broke, I expected there to be panic in the streets. Especially if everyone found out what caused it. We couldn’t keep it silent forever; Celestia never goes into seclusion without warning. Even if we did nothing, her absence could cause its own kinds of problems.

While I was thinking, Moonbeam walked up behind me. “We need someone reliable,” she said. “Someone who knows Celestia and could mimic her. Someone who knows how to act. Someone who can put on a very queenly performance.”

“Rarity, maybe?” I asked. “She could certainly act the part.”

“...No, she’s too vain,” Moonie said.

“Fleur? If we drilled the importance into her head, she could rein herself in.”

“No, I think Fleur’s working on another extremely important assignment, a longer term one.”

“Doppel? She’s smart enough to pull it off, despite what you think.”

“Hm. I think I have the perfect candidate in mind,” she practically purred.

“And just who is that?” I asked, finally turning around.

Moonbeam’s smirk did not make me feel comfortable. “I’m looking at her,” she replied. “You’d be the perfect Celestia!”

“Have you been smoking crack?” She lifted an eyebrow. “First off, the real Celestia would freak the fuck out, in a bad way. Second off, I can barely tolerate being a noble. Being a queen was just too much! I can’t even imagine dealing with what Celestia does all the time!”

“You won’t have to imagine it,” she said. “You’ll be living it soon. Now, let’s get you unwrapped…” Her horn lit up and she started removing my clothes.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea,” I said, trying to hold my shirt down. “In fact, I think this idea is actually pretty fucking retarded. I can’t even do magic!”

“Twilight and I can cover for you for a few days.” She grabbed my arms and forced them up, and then finally got the shirt off.

“I have shit I need to do today,” I hastily said, trying to kick my legs out to prevent her from pulling off my skirt.

“Is it more important than making sure the country stays stable?”

“Maybe.” She lifted an eyebrow and I sighed. “...No.” She forced my legs together and pulled the skirt down, then chuckled at the sight of my ruffled panties. “S-shut up…”

“I think they’re adorable. Unfortunately, they’re in the way.” She finally worked them down and nodded. “Ready?”

“I mean… not really.”

“Too bad.” Her horn lit up brighter and my world started to change. Soon, my weird changeling eyes started noticing pheromone trails in the air, though they mostly surrounded Chrysalis. “You look as ravishing as ever, Navi,” she said with another giggle. The light around her horn finally disappeared and all four of my fucked up legs hit the ground.

“Eat a dick.”

“If you create one, I will,” she said, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. “Unfortunately, I feel mostly hollow. I’m going to need to feed before I do too much changing.”

“Hm. The nearest food pony is the one on the ship I just gave you. If you would like, we could return to your home so you can take advantage of it.”

“Actually, I have something… different in mind. Is Twilight still in the palace?”

“Yes, she is in Celestia’s room, watching the princess and poring over books.”

“Good. Can you watch Celestia for a few minutes?” She lifted an eyebrow. “I’m thinking I might try lust from the tap…”

“Ah.” We suddenly teleported much closer to Celestia’s room. It looked like we were just one turn away. “Can you change at all?”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and imagined myself as Celestia. No part of me really wanted to do it, but I knew someone had to and I figured it might as well be me. When I opened my eyes, I found that I was taller than Moonbeam and I had a large white snout in front of me. Man, this thing really is distracting.

“It appears that you can. And the voice?”

“Good afternoon, Queen Moonbeam,” I evenly said. It didn’t sound like Celestia’s voice to me, but your own voice always sounds different.

She nodded either way. “Excellent. Your hair isn’t moving quite the same, but that is a small detail. Lead the way, Princess.”

Before doing so, I took a short moment to stand up straight and tall, then finally started walking down the hall. It didn’t take me long to adjust to the height difference and I confidently turned the corner to… my room. The big bug walked at my side, wearing a small smile.

When we got close to my room, one of the guards bowed and the other opened the door for us. “Thank you,” I said with a nod as we passed them and entered into the sitting room. He didn’t reply, aside from closing the door behind us.

“See there?” Moonie said. “No problem at all.”

“No problem at all… yet,” I said. “If there ever is a problem, I might be fucked.”

“Then it is in your best interest to ensure that there is not one. Remain here. I will summon you once I explain it to Twilight.”

She started walking to the door to the bedroom, but I quickly asked, “Why would I need to wait here?”

“So she does not panic when she sees a fully grown Celestia just walk in while she has the foal Celestia in her care.” She didn’t wait for more and just slipped into the other room, though she left the door open behind her so I could hear whatever they were saying. “I assume you have had no luck?” she asked.

“You assume right,” Twilight sighed. “I know a spell to age somebody down, but not to age somebody up. Even then, it’s only temporary and I doubt it would have much effect on the princess, given her age.”

I heard some angry baby noises that I assumed were coming from Celestia.

“You’re right, she did just call you old,” Moonbeam said. “Thankfully, I have found a temporary solution, though I don’t think Celestia is going to like it.”

“I’m willing to try just about anything, now,” Twilight said. “The longer this takes, the more discontent might brew under our noses. We need Celestia back where she belongs.”

“I have the next best thing,” Moonie said. “Come on in.”

I decided that was as good a cue as any and walked in. As soon as I was clear of the door, I spread my wings out and said, “What up, bitches?”

A very pregnant silence followed that. Moonbeam was smirking, Twilight’s mouth had dropped, and baby Celestia looked beyond furious. The silence gave me time to check out the emotional auras surrounding Twilight and Celestia. Celestia’s was black mixed with yellow and seemed to be spiky. Twilight’s was yellow and orange and looked more even. Seeing their auras made me realize that I hadn’t seen any around the guards.

“Our dear friend Navarone has volunteered to cover for Celestia while she is… indisposed,” Moonbeam said.

“This is… such a bad idea,” Twilight slowly said.

“Hey, I said the same thing!” I replied. “I truly did teach you well, my dearest student.”

“Hmm…” She walked over closer to me and her eyes narrowed. “You turned her into a changeling?”

“I did,” Moonie said. “As long as she can keep the act up, we will have time to figure out how to fix Celestia.”

“Unless she stops acting like a cute widdle baby,” I said with a smirk in her direction. In response, she started to wail and flail her front hooves around. Her aura turned straight black and started jerking around even more.

“That’s no way to treat a foal, Princess,” Moonbeam said, walking over to Celestia. She picked her up and started rocking her. “There, there, little one. Momma Moonie will take good care of you!”

For some reason, that just made her start crying even more and put more yellow back in her aura. “Twilight, would you mind…?” I asked. Twiley rolled her eyes and the princess found herself silenced. “Thank you. As amusing as her contributions are, we have more important things to be discussing.”

“What did Athena have to say?” Twilight asked me. “Can she help?”

“Um. I dunno, I didn’t ask.”

“What? Why didn’t you ask?!” That put some black in her aura. These things are really distracting.

“Well I mean, we already know how to fix it. Celestia just has to stop doing… that,” I said, waving a wing toward her. She was still flailing around and trying to make noise. “I honestly assumed she would have fixed herself by now. I guess she’s more immature than I thought.”

“You are not helping,” Twilight said. “Ugh. Where’s the book? I’ll go ask her myself.”

“I actually need your help,” I said. “I’m low on energy and I need to feed. You mind a little horizontal tango to get me charged up?”

“Well, there’s another thing I never expected to hear from Celestia’s voice,” she said. “I suppose today will be a day of firsts.”

“I will go get the book,” Moonie said. “I will also explain to Nav’s staff that she will not be returning soon. I’ll take Celestia with me and return when the two of you have finished.”

“The book is in my room, on my desk,” I said. “It’s the really big, creepy one. Whatever you do, don’t open it.”

“I am aware, Navarone. I shall take care.” She floated the miniature Sunbutt to her back. “Come along, Celly. We’re going on an adventure!” With that, the two of them vanished.

“She better not open it,” I muttered.

“Nav, what are you thinking?” Twilight asked. “You’re gonna get yourself killed!”

“Not with you and Moonie helping me keep up the act,” I said. “You two do all the magical shit for me, I pretend to be a pretty pony princess, Celestia deals with being tiny. It’ll be super simple.”

“No, it won’t be simple at all! It’s already not simple! The princess is a foal and I have no idea how to fix her. Equestria absolutely does not need you on the throne right now, Nav. Discord could wait until you’re on the throne and then reveal you!”

“Our other option is letting Celestia be absent for even longer. Either someone replaces her or we risk the ponies freaking out because Celestia’s vanished without a trace. Which would you prefer?”

“I will admit that neither option strikes my fancy, but—”

“But nothing, Twilight. I’m doing this and you’re going to help me. You can start by feeding me some lust.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I don’t like it, but… alright, Nav. Turn back and I’ll teleport us to my room.”

“I have a different idea in mind,” I said, my eyes slowly moving to Celestia’s bed.

“Oh no. No, we are not doing anything in here!”

I looked back at Twilight and smiled. “My dear student, I’ve heard you and our friend Nav have been learning all kinds of fun things, but you haven’t sent me any letters about them! To make up for it, you’ll be demonstrating them for me.”

“No!” She may have said no, but her aura was starting to turn pink.

“Come now, Twilight. You love teaching and showing off what you’ve learned! I would be delighted to be your pupil today. I’m sure you have so much to show me!”

“Ugh…” It was now more pink than yellow or orange.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, dear. Our lessons are absolutely confidential!”

Twilight finally facehooved. “Fine. Buck it. Whatever. Get on the bed.” I smiled and trotted over to Celestia’s expansive bed, then plopped myself down. Twilight approached with some trepidation in her face.

“I’m sure this will be very therapeutic,” I said with a sweet grin. “Just think of everything’s Celestia’s done to you and take it all out on my horse pussy.”

Twilight stopped in her tracks, her eyes slowly going wide. Finally, a very dark smile came over her face and her aura turned bright pink. An uncomfortably large looking strapon appeared under her and she continued to approach, her smile growing darker.

My smile just grew even more.

By the time Twilight exhausted herself, I was completely full and somehow still sexually unsatisfied. I had a feeling that’s what eating lust did to a changeling, so I didn’t think too much about it. When she finally pulled away, Moonbeam teleported in with a fairly dour expression on her face. “Finally,” she said. “You two are like rabbits!”

“Is that jealousy I hear?” I panted. “There’s plenty of room for three on this wonderful bed!”

“As tempting as it might be, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline,” she sarcastically replied. “After all, I wouldn’t want to do anything inappropriate in front of a foal.” She floated Celestia off her back and gently placed her on the floor. Celestia glared at me with a very uncomfortable intensity. “And here is the book.” She floated that over to the pile of others that Twilight had in the room.

Twilight hopped off the bed and onto her shaky legs, then floated Celestia over. “I’ll go talk to Athena. Nav, you get cleaned up and ready for your… princess duties.” The real Celestia snorted, but thankfully didn’t start crying again. Once the two of them were in front of the book, Twilight opened it up and they got sucked in by the tentacles.

“Is that… supposed to happen?” Moonie asked.

“Yeah, that’s normal. Well, relatively. Wanna help me wash my pretty pastel mane?”

“No, but I will anyway. Come along, your highness.” She lifted me with magic and carted me off to Celestia’s bathroom. Thankfully, there actually was a shower attachment, even if it was probably rarely used. “It appears that your student did quite a number on you.”

“Yes, Twilight and I had a few things that we needed to… work out, so to say. It’s amazing how much stress you can build up when you don’t properly express yourself.”

“So you’ve been lying to your student, hm?” She finally thrust me into the water. Thankfully, it was nice and warm. I couldn’t use my hooves for anything, so she started cleaning me up. It was annoying, but about par for the course, all things told.

“Lying is such a… strong word,” I replied. “There are a few pieces of knowledge I didn’t think she was ready for. She didn’t appreciate my caution. I’m afraid despite all my wise words of warning, Navarone’s recklessness has infected her. Not all friends are good influences, sadly.”

“You really do sound exactly like her,” Moonie said. “Or at least, close enough to fool the casual observer. Enunciate more, pause less, and put more feeling in your words.”

“I’ll certainly do my best,” I said. “But I was not expecting to be doing this today and I am in no way prepared. I really hope Athena can fix this.”

“I highly doubt it. If not, I will take Celestia back to the hive, where I can keep her close to me without rousing any suspicions. You keep Twilight with you. If anyone asks, just tell them she’s learning how to lead.”

“...Why don’t we just turn her into the fucking changeling, then?” I asked. “She knows Celestia better than me, anyway.”

“Twilight is very intelligent,” Moonbeam said. “But she has very little common sense or wisdom. She would make a very good advisor but a very poor ruler. I am of the opinion that Celestia is grooming her for a role as a princess, so this will be a plausible excuse.”

“...Is that something Celestia told you, or something that you suspect?”

“Something that I suspect. Truly, it makes me weep for the world.”

“Twilight isn’t that bad. At least, not anymore. Despite what Celestia may believe, I think I’ve been nothing but a good influence on her.”

“Just keep telling yourself that,” she said. “Judging by the way she was going at you earlier, I’d say you’ve been more of a slutty influence than a good one.”

“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, Moonie. You should know that by now.”

“I didn’t say you were a bad influence, I said you were a slutty one. Now that I see your… princesshood, I see that I was correct.” She started washing it with a smirk on her face. “How did it feel to eat lust, Celly?”

I moaned at her touch and felt my back legs shivering. “Addictive,” I sighed. “After eating so much, I still want more!”

“And your body changes to accommodate it, you know. You get more sensitive and you ache less afterwards. You’re always ready to go at a moment’s notice. Just think: If you stayed as a changeling, you could have whatever body you wanted. None of the ponies would ever have to know who you really were while you were lying with them. If you wanted, you could pretend I turned you back and resume your old form in public, while being yourself in private… You control your abilities well enough that it would be easy to conceal and you have enough changelings in your employment that you could pretend to be.”

She fell silent and continued cleaning my body. I thought about what she said and honestly, it had potential. I could be myself again. Or even more to the point, I could be invisible again. With the chance to be anybody whenever I wanted, I could walk around town as a normal person. If I ever was discovered, so what? I could just have myself changed back. It would make the festivals a lot more fun, too; if I was feeding on lust, I could do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted.

“I will think about it,” I finally replied. “If I do end up doing it, it won’t be permanent, though. It’ll just be until I go to Tartarus.”

“I never expected it would be. After so long as a changeling now, I don’t know if I would go back to my original form. I can’t imagine being something else permanently. Even the three days I impersonated Princess Mi Amore Cadenza were unpleasant.”

“Yeah, being something else really fucking sucks. I’ve been fucked up for so long that I barely remember what I used to be like.”

She paused for a moment before slowly continuing. “I really appreciate having someone who I can empathize with. That, more than anything, has helped me remember who I once was, and realize who I want to be.”

“...Would you believe that seeing you trying so hard is part of what made me want to change myself?”

“Perhaps. If that’s the case, it would make you the first person in a very long time that I have helped. I really hope things work out better for you than they did for Celestia. That child turned into... something rotten. She used everybody around her until their use was up and then threw them aside. Me. Her sister. You. Reginald, as much as I despise him. Countless others. I do not think she intends to tell her ponies that she lied about raising the sun.”

That made me blink. “She lied to me?”

“...I would be very, very cautious once you find the last Element of Harmony, Navarone. I have seen Celestia work in the past. You have angered her beyond reason. Once she believes she is secure from Discord, your use to her might be at an end.”

“Moonbeam, I am going to ask you a question. Will you promise to make it confidential?”

“I will support you against Celestia on one condition, Nav.”

“Alright, what’s that condition?” Please don’t say marriage, please don’t say marriage!

“That should the need to support you over her arise, we will be wed.” God dammit. “If you rule the ponies and I rule the changelings, we will have enough power to unite this world completely. Not through force and lies, as Celestia has done, but through peace and prosperity. If your act as Celestia goes well today, we could kill her in secret and seamlessly replace her should the need ever arise. The two of us become wed and start a royal line, so we could retire when we were ready. We could eradicate Discord once and for all!”

“I’m gonna say it right now: That’s not the ideal end scenario, but I accept your condition.”

“And what do you want for yourself after this is over, Nav? Have you decided yet?”

“No. I just really don’t want to have to replace Celestia. Her life fucking sucks.”

“Then change it, Nav. With you on the throne, you can make your leadership whatever you wanted. Hooves on, hooves off, something in between. You could have your own court, your own servants, your own employees, your own family. It would take time to change things to your liking, but you’d have all the time in the world.”

“...We’d be replacing Celestia’s lie with our own.”

“Hm. We shall see what the future holds. At the very least, my condition for supporting you against her is that we be wed. If my support backfires on me, I’ll need your help to hold myself upright.”

“Agreed.” I could learn to love her, but I don’t really want it forced on me.

“We will not speak of this once Celestia restores her body,” she said. With that, she cut the water off and used magic to force the water off my body. “Let us see if they have returned.”

I carefully got out of the tub and followed her back to the other room. Twilight and baby Celestia were back. Both of them were blue and orange. “No luck?” I asked.

“Not much,” Twilight said. “Apparently Celestia was cursed never to age again so her time as a foal would be permanent, but Athena was able to break that. At least now if Discord decides not to restore her age, she’ll still grow up eventually.”

“That will do for now,” Moonbeam said. “I will consult a few of my allies while I look after Celestia and will return with her tonight. You two will need to cover for Celestia until then.”

“Man, Athena’s fucking worthless,” I said. “I thought an eternally ancient mage could actually do stuff.”

“Most of our issues have come from Discord,” Twilight replied. “I guess her magic doesn’t do much against it.”

So again, useless. “Whatever. What’s on the agenda today, Twilight?”

“Today is a day that Celestia usually holds court. You’ll be arbitrating disputes, answering questions, and solving problems.”

“Navarone is good at that,” Moonbeam said. “It should be no problem.” The way Celestia was still glaring at me and turning black again, I think she disagreed. “Good luck.” The two of them vanished without another word, leaving me with Twilight.

“This is such a bad idea,” she sighed.

“Get over it. Are you ready?”

“Let me clean the smell off real quick.” Her eyes closed and a circle of light moved from her head down to her hooves. When it disappeared, her eyes opened. “There we go.”

“If you could have just done that, why did I have to take a bath?”

“I can smell like nothing. You have to smell like Celestia.” I keep forgetting they’re horses. “Now, shall we get this travesty on the road?”

“Chin up, Twiley. The two of us working together can make anything happen.”

That actually put a small smile on her face and lightened her aura considerably. “If we can make this work, I guess you’re right.”

“That’s the spirit. Now, you are going to be acting as my student today. I’ll be pretending to teach you how to rule. If I ever need your help with something, I’ll ask for your input so I can use it as a lesson.”

“That makes sense. If I think you need my magic for anything, I’ll do it for you.”

“Excellent. Just one more thing, then.” I walked over to her, pulled her in with my wings, and kissed her. She struggled for a moment in surprise, then just let it happen. When I had my fill of her, I pulled back with a smile. Her aura was back to bright pink. “For luck,” I said with a wink.

“...I never thought I’d kiss Princess Celestia.”

“We were just doing a lot more than that, silly. Shall we?”

“After you, your highness,” she replied with a smirk and a bow. I started walking to the door, a smile on my face. She opened it with magic before we got there and we finally entered the hall. Since I was apparently supposed to be holding court, I began walking to the throne room. One of the guards began following us. Why don’t either of those guys have auras? What the fuck?

All my time spent as Celestia’s bootylicious booty-call taught me how to get from her room to her throne room, so we made pretty good time. There were another two guards standing at the entrance of it. One of them had a pink aura and the other one had a blue one. They both opened the doors for me and Twilight, so we just let ourselves inside. The guard that followed us joined the other at the bottom of the dais as I ascended to the top and sat on the throne. It was surprisingly comfortable. The other guard in the throne room didn’t have any aura surrounding him.

As soon as my plump ass was in place, Celestia’s cute assistant walked in and then up to the throne. “Good afternoon, Princess,” she said with a bow. She didn’t seem to be feeling anything in particular.

God dammit, I have no idea what her name is. “Good afternoon,” I said, nodding. “I apologize for the delay. Something came up that I had to handle.”

“Of course, your highness. If you’re ready, I can begin allowing petitioners into the palace.”

“I am,” I said. “Twilight Sparkle will be joining me today. I would like her to gain some experience with leadership.”

Celestia’s assistant looked at Twilight for a moment before her eyes turned back to me. “I’ll begin sending ponies in at once, your majesty.” She bowed again and walked off. Since I was pretending to be a good little princess, I refused to stare at her ass, though it killed me a little on the inside.

While she was walking out, Twilight asked, “What kinds of issues do you expect to see today?”

You little bitch. “Ponies come to me for all manner of things, Twilight. The most common issues are generally relatively minor and usually impact only a few ponies. But I’ve also dealt with much larger issues, things that could affect entire regions. You’ve helped me with more than a few of those, yourself. But in all of the issues we see today, I want to stress that you remain impartial until it is time for a decision and I want you to treat each issue with respect, despite how you may view the issue personally.” I’m starting to really miss having an elemental...

She actually smiled and nodded. “Of course, Princess Celestia.”

When she shut her trap, the first petitioner entered. He was a fairly rough looking earth pony and seemed nervous. His aura was a bright and spiky yellow. He slowly shuffled closer, eyes down. Are people really this afraid of Celestia? Or are they just nervous around royalty? Tch, whatever. First petitioner, let’s do this!

When he got to what he considered was close enough, he dropped to the floor in a bow. “You may rise, sir.” He slowly got back up to his hooves, though he still refused to meet my gaze. “Good afternoon. How may I help you today?” Man, I really hope I’m not breaking all kinds of protocols.

To make a short story even shorter, he wanted Celestia to send a monster hunting squad to his village to stop a rampaging colony of fire ants. Not giant ants. Not bullet ants.

Regular ol’ fire ants.

I advised him to use a gardening hose. His face lit up and he swore up and down that the thought never occurred to him, then bowed and practically pranced out, his aura lightening immensely.

When he was gone, I couldn’t help but just stare at the door in silence, wondering what the absolute fuck was going on with Celestia’s kingdom. How in the hell was someone with that trivial of a problem allowed to even get within a hundred meters of royalty, let alone be allowed to pester Celestia about it?

I just barely got over that shock in time for the next visitor. Imagine my surprise when Kumani walked in. She didn’t bother with any obeisance or anything like that. Instead, she just walked up to the bottom of the dais and crossed her arms. Her aura was red and orange.

“Good afternoon,” I said, nodding. “I believe your name is Kumani, is it not?”

“It is, Princess Celestia,” she said.

“How may I assist you today?”

She snorted softly. “I’m here for Fleur’s beauty pageant thing. She’s been putting me up out of her own purse, but I don’t like relying on charity. I was wondering if you had anything dangerous you needed doing, something you couldn’t send one of your… ahem, valiant guards to deal with. Maybe some way I could earn my keep here in the palace.”

“Hm…” I tapped my chin with one of my shodden hooves for a moment before saying, “Nothing comes to mind at the moment. That said, I would be happy to have a room laid out for you, on the condition that you assist me with something should the need ever arise. Your dragon honor could rest at ease, knowing that I may call upon you at any moment to assist my little ponies.”

She grit her teeth, but considered it for a moment. A few seconds later, she stiffly nodded. “Okay, I guess.”

I sweetly smiled. “Excellent. It will be a pleasure to have you here in the palace, Miss Kumani.” She rankled slightly and her aura turned even more red. “On your way out, speak to my assistant and ask her to have a room made ready for you. If you would like, I could send a few of my valiant guards to assist you in moving all of your luggage.”

“I don’t need any help,” she practically growled.

“I’m sure you’ll also be delighted to hear that your friend Navarone is a frequent visitor to the palace. You’ll be likely to see her quite often!”

Her teeth started grinding and she stalked out without another word, her aura about as red as it could get. Twilight giggled next to me as Kumani left.

The next visit was from an ancient, grizzled-looking unicorn with a large, pointy hat and a very long, grey beard. He slowly hobbled in before sketching an uneasy looking bow. His aura was muted to the point where I couldn’t tell what it was.

“Good evening,” I said. “How may I assist you today?”

He stood back up and actually looked me in the eye, though even he seemed somewhat nervous. “The mage’s tower would like your assistance with something, Princess,” he said. “We have no right to ask for your help after all that you’ve done for us, but we hope this won’t trouble you much.”

“I’d be happy to hear your request,” I said with a nod. Here’s hoping it’s not as retarded as moving an ant bed.

“We have sent many missives to Lady Navarone, but she has ignored all of them. We would like you to ask her to meet with the Seven. You’re the only pony with any manner of control over her, so we are hoping you would be able to get her to join us.”

“May I ask what the purpose of this meeting is?” I asked.

“I’m afraid it’s private,” he said, lowering his eyes. “Though I will guarantee that she won’t be in any danger.

“Well. I happen to know that Lady Navarone very rarely reads her mail. I also happen to know that she has not been to her home near the Everfree Forest near Ponyville in quite some time. It’s very possible she has not seen any of the missives yet. I would be happy to ask her to join you the next time I see her. I’ll do my best to stress the urgency of the matter, though I can make no guarantees. It’s occasionally possible to make her see sense, but she is very willful.”

“So we’ve seen, your majesty,” he said. “All I ask is that you inform her that we would be very happy to meet with her.” He bowed again, then he vanished.

I looked toward Twilight. “You see Navarone more often than I, these days. Please tell her to visit the mage’s tower the next time you see her.”

“Of course, Princess,” she said, rolling her eyes.

The next few petitioners were more terrified looking peasants with retarded problems. I gave them more common sense answers that they were very delighted with.

Does Celestia really do this all the time? Why on earth doesn’t she delegate this bullshit out? This is a complete waste of time.

The next petitioner was something of a surprise, though. As soon as one of the grinning peasants walked out, Discord appeared in the middle of the throne room. Twilight shot to her hooves and the guards both jumped in front of me. Twilight’s aura was bright yellow. Discord didn’t have one at all.

“Greetings, Celestia!” he boomed, lifting his fucked up arms way above his head.

“Hello, Discord,” I calmly replied, doing my best to not panic. “Did you wait your turn for an audience?” Twilight’s mouth dropped and her head turned to me in shock.

He blinked in surprise and his arms slowly lowered. Once they were down, he looked behind him, where there was a dumbfounded female pegasus who was just staring at him in shock from the door. He looked back at me somewhat sheepishly. “...No.” Twilight’s head moved back to him so quickly I thought her neck might break.

“I’m afraid I’m a little bit busy for a social call at the moment and cutting in line is very rude,” I said. A part of me was wondering when he would just smite me or call me an impostor and get it over with, but I was having too much fun to give up. “You should apologize and wait your turn.” Twilight made a croaking noise as her head swiveled back to me again.

He sighed and hung his head, then floated over to the horrified pegasus. She looked like she was about ready to bolt, but her legs were shaking too much to move. He graciously bowed before her and said, “I’m terribly sorry for my rude behavior.” With that, he vanished.

Holy fucking shit, that actually worked. Twilight’s ass hit the floor and she just stared at where Discord had been, horror across her face. I grinned down at the pegasus who was still standing there in mute horror, surrounded by a yellow aura. “Please come in, dear.”

Since the great princess just banished the horrifying abomination, she seemed to gain back her mettle and unsteadily continued in, though her eyes moved around the room several times before she bowed. “W-what was that, Princess?” she asked while prostrated.

“That was Discord,” I said. “He’s a being of pure chaos and disorder. But enough of him. How may I help you today?”

I guess Celestia radiates a very calming effect, because the pegasus didn’t really seem too put off by the horrifying magical entity that just appeared in front of all of us and then vanished again without a trace. She stood back up, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m from a small town way out west, your highness. We’ve recently had an influx of griffin migrants. Most of them are skilled workers and their talons make them very versatile. They’ve been undercutting the established merchants to steal our customers! They’re able to create things of a similar quality in a much shorter time frame than us ponies. We want to force them to raise their prices to match ours before they drive us out of business!” Her aura slowly evened itself back out as she spoke until it was red and black.

You stupid racist bitch. “Hm. How many of these griffins have their own storefronts already?” I asked.

“Not many of them, thankfully,” she said. “If necessary, it wouldn’t be hard to force them out entirely.”

“And have any of them broken any laws?”

“Not yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”

Let’s see, how would Celestia handle this?

…

I’m not about to turn a bunch of griffins into changeling food.

“Have you considered offering these griffins jobs?” I asked.

Her aura turned yellow and purple and she blinked. “Y-your majesty?”

“The established merchants already have the customers and storefronts,” I said. “The griffins have equivalent skills and the ability to do the same job faster, on average. If you partnered with them, you would gain their skills and their speed and they would gain your customers and your storefront. You would both stand to profit.”

“But they eat m-meat!”

“So do pet dogs,” I said. Her ears flinched and some of the purple disappeared. “Griffins are predators. Their diet requires them to eat meat. The animals they farm for food are bred specifically to not be intelligent, so they harm no sapient creature.”

“They’re violent and unruly!”

“On average, perhaps. But the same could be said of every being that comes from a troubled land. Their kingdom can be a very harsh one. However, most griffins that choose to settle in Equestria find themselves accepting our peaceful ways of kindness and friendship, ways that I urge you to consider when dealing with your new neighbors. And what many ponies do not know about griffins is that they are a very deeply honorable and loyal race. Once you have their friendship, they will go to the ends of Equestria for you.”

She looked away and started weakly tapping one of her hooves on the floor, turning even more yellow.

I smiled and said, “The unknown is scary to everypony, my dear. Once you get to know these griffins, I assure you that you’ll find something in them that resonates with you. All beings are capable of working together. Somepony just has to be willing to take the first step. My advice to you is to take that step. Instead of ostracising your new neighbors, get to know them. Instead of trying to outcompete them in the market, combine your strengths. Instead of forcing them out of their new homes, properly welcome them to your town.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I’ll accede to your wisdom, Princess,” she mumbled before slinking off, still bright yellow. Stupid racist bitch.

While she was walking off, I noticed that Twilight’s look of mute horror had changed to a small smile and she was surrounded by a light pink aura. I smiled back as the next petitioner walked in.

It was another terrified peasant with a bullshit request. I just barely stifled a sigh before giving him a dose of common sense.

The next dozen or so petitioners were a mix of scared peasants with bullshit problems, more racists trying to kick out residents of various species, and a single very crazy looking fellow who wanted to report a chupacabra sighting. I thanked him and dismissed him, doing my best not to laugh in his face.

Once the insane dude made it back out, both of the doors thrust open and Discord walked back in. His fucked up hands shot back above his head and he yelled out, “Greetings, Celestia!” Oh boy, here we go. The guards jumped back up in front of me.

“Hello again, Discord,” I said with a nod. He seemed to respond well to staying in character… “Have you come just to talk, or would you like to petition me for something?”

“I would like to take you on a date!” he said, bowing very theatrically.

I gotta admit, that one stumped me. My mouth may have dropped for a moment before I caught myself. For some reason that honestly kinda scared me a little, a small blush came to my face. He’s fucking with me, right? He doesn’t… he doesn’t actually want a date, right? “I… I’m flattered, but—”

He shot back upright and grinned widely. “Excellent!”

Before he could continue, I very hastily said, “But I must refuse!” His smile disappeared. “As I said, I’m very flattered, but I am not currently looking for a romantic partner.”

“Oh?” His paw snapped and I suddenly appeared in front of him, being floated by some infernal magic. He booped me on the nose with a talon and said, “I believe a certain human might think otherwise, after some of the signals you’ve sent her!”

I ignored the burning on my nose and said, “W-what that certain human and I share is entirely between the two of us.”

“Well I created that certain human, so it seems like it might be my business, too!”

“You are certainly allowed to believe that, but that doesn’t change my answer. Would you please put me down?”

He scratched at his chin for a moment before shaking his head. “Nah.” God dammit. His weird paw moved up to my hair and ran through it. “Your mane is exquisite, you know.”

“I do know, in fact,” I said. “I spend quite some time keeping it in its current state.”

The same paw moved to one of my cheeks and he leaned in much closer, his eyes seeming to zoom in on mine. “And your eyes are such a lovely shade of pink!”

“They certainly do seem to attract attention,” I slowly replied, trying not to look away.

I suddenly spun around and felt a breath of warm air uncomfortably close to my flank. Facing the other way let me see that Twilight and the guards were frozen in place, though it looked like all of them were struggling. “And your rear is just—” Getting kicked in the face by my back hooves shut him up, thankfully.

It also sent me to the floor, and I just barely caught myself and turned back to him, glaring at him. “That is no way to treat any lady!” I said, slapping a hoof on the floor. “If your advances are rebuffed, you move on, not continue to flatter in an attempt to woo her!”

He rubbed at his face for a moment before backing away a few steps. “As you wish. My apologies for the… rudeness,” he sarcastically replied. He finished with a mocking bow before disappearing. I huffed and nodded, then turned back to my throne.

When I was facing them, they all flinched and burst into motion. Twilight teleported me behind her, then a flash of purple light began moving around the room. While the light was doing its thing, the two guards jumped into attack positions on my sides.

“There’s no need for all of this,” I said.

“After what that thing did to you?” Twilight said, not looking back. “I’d say there’s a need for quite a lot more!”

“Well, I say that you are overreacting,” I said. She wasn’t holding me in place with magic, so I walked out from behind her and sat back down on my—er, Celestia’s throne.

Instead of another petitioner, Celestia’s assistant walked back in. She eyed the purple light that was still roaming around for a moment before continuing her walk and bowing in front of me. “That was the last petitioner, Princess. It… Um, it scared away the rest of them.” Strangely enough, she didn’t seem all that scared and her aura wasn’t yellow.

“Hm.” I eyed the windows for a moment. A few hours had passed and it looked like the sun was setting. I honestly hadn’t realized I had seen that many ponies. Some of them were fairly long-winded, though, so it wasn’t too big of a surprise. “That last petitioner was particularly exhausting,” I finally said. “I believe I would like to take dinner in my room.”

“I’ll have it delivered there as soon as you lower the sun,” my very capable assistant replied, finally standing back up. “Is there anything else you require, Princess?”

“Not at the moment,” I said. “Thank you.”

She blinked and a spike of purple entered her aura. “You’re… welcome, Princess.” She quickly beat hooves. I waited for her to exit before sighing and starting to follow.

Twilight hopped up in front of me before I could get far and asked, “What’s going on between you and Discord?”

“As little as possible, hopefully,” I said. “I have a feeling he was not actually interested in a date with me. His behavior is very similar to that of Navarone, it seems. In particular, he does things to toy with the emotions of others. Or, as Nav so eloquently puts it, he does things to fuck with others. Discord was likely trying to elicit a reaction from me, so I did my best not to give him one until he went too far. Generally speaking, when dealing with those who act like foals, it’s important to speak to them firmly and rebuke them quickly when they do wrong, but be merciful when they have learned their lesson.” Something I guess I should probably do when I see the real Celestia again, huh?

“...I see. What do you think we should do?”

“I think you should walk with me as I go to lower the sun, then join me for dinner.” And maybe be my main course, if you… know what I mean.

She seemed kinda conflicted and I knew that isn’t what she meant, but she finally sighed and said, “Of course, Princess.” I smiled and nodded and we all continued on our way.

It just so happened that I had absolutely no idea how to get to the fancy sun rising chamber from where we were, so I’m glad I had Twilight with me. She surreptitiously and silently guided me there.

Once we got to the large double doors, I looked at the guards and said, “Please remain here.” They both bowed and took up positions next to the doors as Twilight and I went in. Twilight pushed the doors shut with magic and I finally sighed. “Man, today’s sure been a day, huh?”

She shivered and replied, “Discord is… horrifying.” Her aura seemed fairly conflicted, being both pink and yellow.

“Yeah, dude’s like the mayor of Spooksville.”

She snorted. “I guess today continues to be a day of firsts. Hearing your words coming out of Celestia’s mouth is a very interesting experience.”

“How long does Celestia’s stupid fake sun ritual thing last? I really want to get out of these shitty gold shoes.”

“Not very long. You did well today, Nav. I’m proud of you.”

“Oooh, proud enough to please your princess?”

She turned even more pink. “And now I’m disappointed.”

“Oooh, disappointed enough to punish your princess?”

“Ugh. Aqua’s disgusted.”

“Are you?”

She smirked and I felt something brush my lower lips as her aura turned a lot more pink. “I think a reward for your efforts might be in order. Later, of course; I’d hate to leave a mess here that some poor maid will have to clean up. I’d rather leave it on Celestia’s bed!”

“Now I’m the one who’s proud,” I said with a smile. “Shall we head back to my room, then?”

“Of course, Princess. I’m going to enjoy making you into my new personal toy.” I shivered in delight, which made her giggle. “So submissive, Princess. I bet you’ve been waiting for somebody to come and take charge of your body for quite some time!”

“I’m delighted that your training is finally paying off,” I said. “I put quite a lot of effort into grooming you to be the perfect dom, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get back to your room and end this day on a good note, shall we?”

“Yep. You’ll have to lead the way, Twiley.”

“That’s mistress to you, Princess Fucktoy.” I shivered again and she led the way out, shaking her rump much more than necessary. I stared at it up until we got back out into the hall, when she unfortunately stopped. We continued much more properly on the way, with me walking next to her.

There was no food in Celestia’s room yet, not that it particularly mattered to me. Moonbeam and Celestia also weren’t back yet, so we had the entire place to ourselves. “So now what?” I asked once I had plopped down onto the bed.

“Now we wait for dinner to arrive, and then I’ll feed you,” she said. “Well, assuming you’re hungry again.”

“Changelings don’t actually feel hunger,” I said. “It’s more like a hollowness. At the moment, I’m not particularly hollow and I really don’t want to drain you more than necessary, but I would totally be down to do horribly lewd things to your maregina.”

“Welp, there’s another thing I never wanted to hear Celestia say,” she said. “If Aqua had teeth, she’d probably be grinding them.”

“Don’t bother to keep me informed about her,” I said, waving a wing.

“‘Kay. She does have a question, though. It’s kind of an important one, or at least I think it is. She wants to know when you’re planning on talking to Flo.”

“Last I heard, the elementals weren’t back yet. Did they finally show back up?”

“A few of them did, Flo included. They’re supposedly waiting at the bottom of the waterfall, but Aqua isn’t actually here and doesn’t know that for sure. The rest of them are still in Atlantis and probably will be until the ship comes to pick up the surface inhabitants. Aqua’s thinking Celestia might commission one of your ships to do it, if either of them are available. If she does, they’ll ride back on that.”

“What about Brook?” I asked.

“She’s here. Ice and Cascade are also here. The rest are in Atlantis.”

“Well, the answer to that question is whenever the fuck I feel like it. And since I know she’s going to have some shitty and snarky comeback, you can keep it to yourself. You can also keep any nonshitty or nonsnarky comebacks to yourself, because I don’t give two fucks what she has to say.”

“Alright. What if she ever feels like apologizing?”

“Then she better not use a fucking proxy to do it. She can do that shit in person. Not that it’s gonna matter, of course. She’s too much of a self-righteous cunt-canoe to ever do that. It seems like a lot of the waters are.”

Before either of them could reply, someone gently knocked on the door to the hall. Twilight sighed and walked over to open it. A few moments later, she came back in, pushing a food trolley. “I haven’t eaten all day,” she said when she got back into Celestia’s room. “I didn’t even eat dinner last night, after what happened with the princess.”

“Then dig in,” I said. “Not like I’m gonna be able to eat any of it.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” she replied with a grin. There were all kinds of things on the cart, of course. Most of it was extremely unhealthy, because Celestia apparently really doesn’t care if she has a heart attack or gets morbidly obese. That didn’t stop Twilight, who happily went to town.

A few minutes after she started eating, Moonbeam teleported back in with baby Celestia on her back. Celestia had been forced into a cute little pink dress with sandals and a little tiara. She also looked extremely pissed and her aura was completely black. Twilight looked up for a moment, her mouth stuffed full of cake, before going back to engorging herself.

“Welcome back to Canterlot,” I said. “You two have fun?”

“I did,” Moonbeam said with a grin. “And I’m sure Celly did too, even if she acted like she didn’t. How did things go here?”

“Swell,” Twilight said. It was muffled since her mouth was still full. She finally swallowed and continued, “No one even suspected. I think we might be fine indefinitely.”

“Discord popped in to say hi, though,” I said. Celestia gasped, turning slightly purple, and Moonie lifted an eyebrow. “He asked me out on a date.” That made both of her eyebrows lift up. “I turned him down, then kicked him in the face when he kept pestering me. He finally apologized and left.”

“It was actually really impressive,” Twilight said. “She handled it better than I ever could have, that’s for sure.”

“While I’m happy to hear that you kicked him in the face, I can’t help but question the wisdom,” Moonie said. “And he asked you on a date? A romantic one?”

“Yep. It was kinda weird. I turned him down gently, but it took him a little while to get the hint. I’m sure if Celestia would like to change her mind later, he would still be receptive to it.” The foal snorted, of course. I finally turned myself back to normal. Normal normal, not fucked up normal.

“It’s been a while since I saw that body,” Moonbeam said, looking me up and down. “Brown hair definitely suits you. Though the lack of wings is somewhat odd.”

“Not to me,” I replied with a shrug. That said, it did feel kind of weird to be able to shrug without feeling my wings flopping around. “I miss it. Especially my massive cock.” All three of them snorted derisively. “I don’t remember hearing any of you complaining. Anyway, you have any luck figuring out how to turn her back?”

“If I had any luck, she wouldn’t still be a foal,” Moonbeam said. “Some of the places I’ll need to go to find answers aren’t places that are suitable for a foal, so I’ll be leaving her here tonight.” She floated Celestia over to the bed and placed her next to me. Celestia looked me up and down before crawling to the far side of the bed and kicking her sandals off. “I fed her a little, but we don’t really have much food suitable for foals in the hives. I also don’t think she enjoyed what we did have.” In response, Celestia shivered.

“I’m sure Twilight and I can figure something out,” I said.

“No problem at all,” Twilight said. “There’s some stuff on this cart that would be perfect for her.” She rolled it over to the side of the bed and floated a spoon full of jello over to the princess. “Say ah!” Celestia glared at her for a moment before finally opening her mouth. She didn’t make any noises, though. Twilight giggled and fed her anyway.

“I see that she is well in hoof,” Moonie said. “If you need nothing else from me, I shall return to the hives, feed, and then continue my search.”

“How do we contact you, if anything happens?” I asked.

She looked around the room for a moment. When she spotted a black mirror lying on a desk, she lifted it up with magic so I could get a good look at it. “Look into this and say ‘Queen Moonbeam’. It will allow you to speak to the corresponding mirror in my palace. If I am not present, you will be able to leave a message that I can view when I return.”

“Neat. Wonder why Celestia didn’t give me one when I left.”

“Because you aren’t as important as I am. I will see the three of you later.” She finally teleported out.

“Not even gonna give me a kiss goodbye?” I quietly asked. Twilight didn’t reply and Celestia was too busy sucking up the thick, gooey liquid. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“I didn’t,” Twilight said. “I used magic to keep myself awake. Celestia got plenty, though.”

“You need some real sleep tonight, Twilight. I’ll watch over her.” Celestia choked on the jello and ended up spewing some of it toward Twilight, who thankfully caught it with magic.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Twilight asked as Celestia turned a glare toward me. “I don’t mind staying up with magic a few more nights. I need to do more research if I want to fix this.”

“You need actual sleep. I know from experience that staying up with magic for too long is really, really bad. You don’t want to get anywhere near that stage. And honestly, no offense to you, but I don’t think you’ll find the answer to this one in a book. Celestia and I will stay here tonight and I’ll turn into her if anything big comes up. You get some rest in your own bed.”

She bit her lower lip for a moment before nodding. “Alright. But if anything does happen, I want you to send for me. You might need my magical help.”

“You got it, babycakes.” She rolled her eyes and went back to trying to feed Celestia, who was still staring daggers at me. “Celestia, we’re not going to leave you alone like this and Twilight needs sleep. Chill out.” She went back to eating, but she seemed very reluctant and her aura was jerking around like mad.

Since they were doing their thing and I couldn’t eat anyway, I hopped up and went to take another shower. I didn’t really need one, but I really wanted to experience one without all the extraneous bullshit covering my body. The wings and the tail were really annoying to clean.

Once I got done cleansing myself again, I dried off by turning into my standard changeling body. The fire surrounding me burned off all the water and I went back to the main room like that. Celestia was done eating and seemed to be struggling to get out of her pink dress while Twilight went back to feeding herself. I walked over to the bed, turning back into a human as I went, and helped Celestia out of the dress. She let me, but struggled her way out of my grasp as soon as she was free of it. I set the dress, the sandals, and the silly tiara on one of the dressers and joined her on the bed again, turning into a changeling once more to preserve energy.

“Nav, are you… pretty?” Twilight asked. “As a human, I mean.”

“I’m more plain than anything,” I said with a shrug. “Why?”

“Because every time you get turned into something else, you’re… well, beautiful. Pony, dragon, cat, changeling, you’re really pretty as all of them. I was just wondering why, if you’re not pretty as a human.”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing. I’ve noticed that everyone that gets turned into a human is also pretty hot, though. You, Cadance, Luna, and Celestia are the only ones I’ve seen changed, but all of you were extremely fuckable. Well, Taya also turned herself into a human that one time, but she was way too young to be hot and my daughter besides, but she was cuter than average. I wonder if that’s just something the spell does.”

“...Maybe. It’ll take more testing to know for sure. I think I have the griffin spell down now, but I’m not gonna test that until after we get back from the festival. I’ll have to look for a few more volunteers, too. Male ones, preferably.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” I said with a shrug.

She finally stepped back from the food cart and stretched. “It’s been a really, really long day. Are you sure you’ll be fine, Nav?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

There was definitely some conflict in her face, but the lack of sleep won out and she nodded. “Alright.” She floated me over with magic to kiss me. When she pulled away, she had a smile on her face and her aura was very pink again. “Good night, Navi.”

“Good night, Twiley,” I said as she floated me back to the bed.

“And good night to you as well, Princess,” she said, looking over at Celestia. The little princess just turned her nose up at her, which made Twilight giggle. She grabbed the food trolley and Athena's book with magic and trotted out. She closed both doors as she left.

That left me alone with Celestia, who started to glare at me again. Once I heard the second door click shut, I said, “I’m not your enemy, Celestia.” Her eyes narrowed slightly. “And I’m most definitely not the one who did this to you. Beating Discord isn’t going to be easy. Without you, it might well be impossible. I know Discord made me, but I don’t know why. Maybe it was to help him, maybe it was to stop him, maybe it was just to see what I’d do. I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to stop him. I also want to be free of him. I don’t want to work around you and I don’t want to work against you. Your help will make things so, so much easier. You don’t have to like it, but you need to accept that we’re on the same side. If you want me to leave Equestria when he’s dead and gone, I will. But until then, we need to get beyond this and work together or there’s a very real chance that all the ponies will die.”

A few seconds after I stopped talking, her eyes slowly moved down and her aura lightened.

“I know you don’t like this. I know you hate what I am. Trust me when I say that I don’t like it and I hate what I am, too. I don’t want to be a puppet, some kind of construct. And I definitely don’t want the soul of some poor dead chick in me, but I think it’ll be better than letting Discord make me disappear whenever he wants. I also don’t want to have to pretend to be you. I hated that I had to do it today. I don’t want to usurp any of your power or do anything wrong. I am so far out of my league that it’s more scary than funny. Equestria needs you. I need you. Is there any way at all that you can resolve to work with me instead of against me?”

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly let it out, her aura lightening even more. When her little baby lungs were empty, her heart suddenly grew three sizes. The rest of her grew a lot more sizes as she returned to normal. Even her horn returned. Once she was normal again, she opened her eyes. It actually took her a moment to realize she had changed. When she did, she went cross eyed to check for a horn. A smile split her face and her magic lifted me up a few inches. “Finally!” she shouted, hopping off the bed. Her aura started doing all kinds of funky things before muting itself to the point where I couldn’t tell what it was.

“You know, I really kinda wanted to cuddle with you as a foal,” I said. “And also rub your belly. You were so adorable!”

“Don’t make me shrink you and shove you in that dress,” she said. Point taken. “Now then…” She settled back on the bed and let the magic holding me go. “I agree to work with you for now, Nav. I’m not entirely sure that I trust you, but I believe that the more allies I have against that thing, the better. It worries me that he created you, but I’ll accept that you didn’t realize it until he told you.”

“Cool beans. In that case, I’ll get out of your hair.” I tried standing up, but something forced me back down.

“You aren’t going anywhere until you tell me every single decision you made while you were pretending to be me,” she said. Her tone brooked absolutely no arguments, so I sighed and started talking.

When I told her about the last actual petitioner, I said, “You should really rethink your ruling scheme. There were a lot of peasants today with questions that were borderline retarded. There’s no way any of them should have been allowed to approach you. Why don’t you have some kind of screening process? That way, you can spend more time on issues that actually matter instead of bullshit like rampaging fire ants.”

“It isn’t about the issues themselves, Navarone,” she replied. “It is about being available to all of my subjects. It is about sending the message that I am approachable and that I am willing to hear the plights of everypony, powerful or weak. One of the things you noticed is that many of the ponies who approached you were afraid. Being available like this dissipates their fears of me and increases their trust in my laws and decrees. It also gives them a story to tell others. True, many of the issues I deal with commonly are of little importance and most of them are trivially easy to solve, but there is absolutely a reason for it.”

If you say so. “Whatevs. Anyway…” I started to slide off the bed again, but found that I was still immobilized. “I’d kinda like to get back home.”

“Hm…” Her eyes slowly slid up and down my body before locking back on mine. “Would you like me to change you back first?”

“I’ll get Taya to change me back in the morning,” I lied.

“As you wish.” She dragged me closer with magic and gently hugged me for a short moment. When she got bored of it, I got teleported to Moonbeam’s room. My clothes were still lying around the floor, so I changed back to my fucked up body and put everything on. A part of me wondered how Celestia knew they were there, but I honestly didn’t care that much. Once I was good to go, I pretended to forget that I was a lady and hopped out the window to fly home.

I got back as quickly as I could, to avoid freezing in the cold weather. When I got home, I landed in the front and let myself in. The guard standing on the other side saluted. “Nothing to report, my lady,” she said.

“Good. At ease.” She relaxed and I continued into the house.

When I got in, Doppel poked her head out of the living room and smiled. That smile took a very sharp turn into a frown and she shot across the room and slammed into me. “WHO ARE YOU?!” she yelled, forcing me to the ground. The guard at the door rushed in and yanked her off me and the rest of the house started coming alive as people responded to her yelling. “Let me go! That’s a changeling!”

I sat up and quickly said, “It’s me, Doppel. Moonbeam turned me into a changeling to deal with something and I haven’t gotten turned back yet.”

“Prove it!” she demanded, finally shrugging the guard off. Several more guards and a few of the crew were staring down at us from the balconies, murmuring it up.

“Uhh… This morning, you were bitching at me for jumping down the stairs instead of walking down them like a civilized person. You were also demanding that I go out in town more so ponies would visit and see how good you are at being a head of household.”

Her shoulders sagged in relief. “It is you… Sorry for attacking you, mistress…” With the emergency seemingly done, all the other plebeians went about their business.

“No worries,” I said, standing up. “I honestly forgot that’s something you’d notice. I was considering staying like this for a while so I wouldn’t have to be a complete freak of nature all the time.” Among other reasons.

“I’m surprised you mastered changing so quickly,” Doppel said, looking me up and down. “There isn’t a piece of you that’s out of place!”

“I’ve been a changeling before, for another reason. Anyway, I’ve had a long and kinda shitty day, so I’m gonna go hug my daughter and then go to bed.”

“Hmm… Would you like some extra company, mistress?” she sweetly asked.

“Yes.” She giggled and flew up the stairs, heading to my room. I grinned and followed her on the staircase.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Four

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Four

After I’d had my way with Doppel and Kat, I entered the world of dreams to avoid my own dreams and do some nightmare busting. Before I had time to get oriented, Luna appeared before me. I wasn’t much in the mood to deal with her bullshit, but I knew being diplomatic would be wise. “Howdy.”

“Hello, Navarone,” she said.

She didn’t seem to have anything else to say, so I rubbed the back of my neck and asked, “So uh… How’s Tartarus?”

“You told Reginald where I was.”

“Well, would you look at the time? It’s—”

“I’m not angry.” Oh thank god. “We finally had a talk that we should have had a very long time ago.”

She fell silent again. Her eyes were beating down on me with a very uncomfortable intensity. “...Coooool. So, I’m just gonna—”

“Is your offer still on the table, Navarone?”

“Yes, but your sister… isn’t a fan.”

“Celestia no longer concerns me,” she coldly replied. “I have disowned that mare.”

“Oh. Good. So uh… What did the two of you discuss?”

“The past. The present. The future. You. My sister. The world. Discord… Each other.”

“...Anything that’s my business?”

She started walking around me, circling me. I let her and just continued facing forward. “Perhaps. There is something you should know about Tartarus, Navarone. It is not just a prison. It is also a stronghold from Discord. It has never fallen to him. Part of why I came here was to lend them my strength for when Discord returned. Now that I know for sure that it has happened, I know that I am needed now more than ever. The time for self-hatred is over.”

“He paid us a few visits recently,” I replied, crossing my arms. “He turned Celestia into a filly and then a foal. He also stole her horn.” She snorted. “I pretended to be her until she got turned back. Apparently he also created me. I’m working to free myself of his grasp.”

“...That explains much,” she slowly replied, still circling me. “Why I lost myself so heavily to you. You were designed to make my sister and I fall.”

“Not willingly, I assure you,” I hastily said. “I had no idea he made me until just recently.”

“Hm. The pain you felt was real. The sorrow and suffering you experienced would be impossible to fake. I am sorry for everything you have been through, Navarone. And I cannot help but feel the need to apologize for all that remains, as well. This is not a path we willingly tread.” She finally stopped in front of me, uncomfortably close. “This is not a path any of us can tread alone. I am ready to stand with you if you are prepared to have me.”

“Luna… Are you sure you want to get involved in this fight?” I asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You have a chance to sit back and watch. No one would blame you.”

“My image may be shattered, my reputation, tarnished, but my place is still with my ponies. I will not sit idly by while that monster destroys them!”

My hand pulled back and my arms crossed again. “Celestia might oppose us. I’m trying to redeem her, but she has a long way to go. I think she’s planning on double-crossing me when I bring her all the Elements of Harmony.”

Her eyes flashed and her horn lit up a sickly green. “I put that mare in power with a smile on my face. In return, she gave me agony. I will enjoy toppling her from her place.”

“...As a last resort.”

The light around her horn vanished and she looked away. “As you wish.”

“Luna…” She sighed and hung her head. I slowly walked forward and hugged her. “I will help you overcome your past. I will help you discover something good inside of you.”

“...Reginald made me a promise, Navarone,” she quietly said. “He told me that if you forgive me after we have finished in Tartarus, he will leave Pyrite’s service and return to my side. I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness.”

“Did you love him?”

“...I don’t know. My mind was… addled, then. I was too focused on the wrong things. I never stopped to reflect. Not until… I had no choice. Not until I found myself alone for one thousand years. It gave me time to reflect on who I was. What I had done. Of course, as soon as I was freed, I felt myself attaching to one who I thought could understand my pain. One who also found himself… very much alone. I used you to abate my loneliness, to mask my pain, to hide my suffering. And in turn… I inflicted it all upon you. I consider you my biggest mistake. Some part of me still hopes I’ll wake up one day to discover it had all been a horrible nightmare that I was forced to watch. To know that I did those things of my own accord… sickens me.”

“Discord has been free since I came here,” I said. “There’s no telling what he might have done to who, including you.”

“I will not hide behind that excuse,” she replied, pulling away from my hug. “My failures are my own and I will make up for them on my own. With the assistance of you and my one remaining friend, I will drag myself out of this miasma.”

“...I think you’re gonna have a lot more than one friend by the time this is over.”

She smiled grimly. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“I’m looking forward to all of this being over with. I’ve fought for so long. I just want some peace for myself and my friends.”

“I’m afraid that we live in interesting times, Navarone,” she said.

“Yeah, they’re pretty shitty ones. Watcher expressed concern about working with you.”

“...In a different time, that stallion would have served me very well. I will seek him out in his dreams. Alone. I want him to see my sincerity.”

“I understand.” The two of us fell silent. Honestly, I didn’t know what else needed to be said.

“So Discord created you?” she finally asked.

“That’s what he said,” I replied with a shrug. “Twilight could never show me the spell that she used. It’s possible Discord put the idea for it in her head.”

“Hm. Should you survive his demise, what will you do?”

“...If I have my way, I’ll retire from the world. I’ll learn to live with my deformities and curses and avoid as much responsibility as possible. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll get my way. I’ve made myself important and that means people will rely on me."

Her eyes beat into mine. “The future can be a very malleable thing, Navarone.”

“The way your ex-sister harps on about fate, I’d say she disagrees.”

“...Fate. Hmph. What my sister will never tell you about fate is that it is akin to throwing a dart at a target that may or may not be there in the future. Many would-be seers predict all manner of things. Most never come to pass. The tricky thing about fate that many short-lived mortals never realize is that nothing that is fated is guaranteed to happen. A fate is just one possibility out of many. Celestia takes notes of predicted fates, chooses those she prefers, and does everything in her power to make them happen. You have caused more than one fate to fail, Navarone.”

That’s actually not surprising. “Oh?”

“There was another fated to save the Crystal Empire, for example. And there was another fated to stop Chrysalis when she attacked. Celestia was using those events, along with a few others, as tests. Your intervention has already changed the course of history. It is part of why my sister is so cautious of you. At the moment, you stand surrounded by several very influential entities. With the right timing, you could change the fate of this world forever.”

Gotta love that pressure, huh? “I just want to kill Discord and live in peace.”

“Time will tell what part you will play. Do you fear for your safety around my sister, Navarone?”

“Not yet. There’s a chance she might betray me, but she still needs me at the moment.”

“...With your permission, I will prepare a talisman that will allow you to call upon me from anywhere. You can use it to summon me should you ever need my help. It is the same manner of device that I used to save Reginald.”

I’m really not sure if I want her to have access to me at all times. “I’ll consider it. With luck, I’ll never need it.”

“You are very unlucky.” Don’t I fucking know it. “Will you be available to talk later?”

“Probably, yeah. My schedule might be inconsistent, but I’ll definitely be around.”

“Then I’m afraid my duties must take me elsewhere. Farewell for now, Navarone.” Before I could say anything, she vanished.

“Well alrighty then…” With her gone, I finally went on to fight some dreams and make some people happy.

And horny, of course.

When I woke up, I was alone on my bed and back to a female changeling body. Kat was opening the blinds and Doppel was presumably going about her duties elsewhere. Since I just fed on Kat, I turned back to my original body and stretched. “It’s good to be normal,” I said with a yawn.

Kat’s eyes turned to me and she looked me up and down. “You’re missing your wings.”

“No I’m not. This is how I’m supposed to look. The wings were the first mutation.”

“...Oh. I think you look better with them.” I’m sure you do. She went back to opening blinds and I regretfully morphed into my completely fucked up body so I could get dressed. “Doppel and I both think that staying as a changeling would be a mistake.”

“Why is that?” I asked as I hunted down clothes.

“Any other changelings will be able to pick up your scents, causing confusion. It’s also possible for changelings to lose their disguises for any number of reasons, such as magical shields or loss of concentration. Having to explain to everyone why you’re suddenly a changeling would be very difficult. We’re of the opinion that it’s something you could do occasionally, but whenever you have important plans, you’ll need to be yourself.”

Guess who has important plans today? God dammit. “Ugh, whatever. No one ever lets me have any fun…”

“You weren’t complaining last night. What do you think of Spider’s work?”

“I haven’t looked,” I replied, still steadfastly not looking. “Think Taya’s awake yet? If I’m gonna get turned back, I’d rather not be forced to look at everyone’s emotional auras.”

“Their… what now?” I had a feeling that would get her mind off Spider.

“Changelings can see everyone’s emotional states. It shows up as an aura around their body. It can definitely be useful, but it’s also occasionally distracting. They also can’t smell, but they make up for that by emitting and being able to follow pheromone trails. That’s how Doppel knew immediately that I was a changeling. That’s also why she always smells funky.”

“Huh. That sounds incredibly useful.”

“As you said, though, there are definitely downsides. I can’t smell anything, I can’t eat anything, other changelings would recognize me, and I have a risk of changing back to my default body. I’ll probably take advantage of it intermittently, but I guess it’s not something I can do permanently…”

“Right, because you’re not allowed to have fun,” she sarcastically replied. “Anyway, I want you to go talk to Spider today.”

“Oooh, don’t know about that,” I said. “Might not be able to pencil it in with all the time I’m gonna be spending on my reputation.”

“Well, since Taya is probably still asleep and you won’t be going anywhere until she turns you back, you might as well do it now!”

“I mean, I still need to—”

“You are going to go talk to that little tom if I have to drag you there. You’re going to ask him how his room is working out and you’re going to tell him he’s doing a good job.”

“You are very, very bossy for a blood servant. Or a vassal. Aren’t you supposed to be subservient or whatever?”

“Watcher says we’re supposed to make you do things that are good for you, even if you don’t like doing them.”

I slowly looked past her, at the tree hanging over the edge of the cliff. “How’s talking to a child about architectural design good for me?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You need to form a better relationship with him and you need to stop being afraid of him.”

“I’m not—”

“Nav. Please.”

God dammit. “Fine. Whatever. I miss the days when people would listen to me when I said I didn’t want to do something. Now I get forced into every fucking thing, no matter how much I don’t want to. Stupid beauty pageant that I want nothing to do with, Gourd’s retarded questions, dressing up like a fucking prissy little lady, all this bullshit. Becoming a better person is starting to seem less and less worth it every time I get forced to do more retarded-ass shit.”

She sighed. “I won’t actually make you do it, Nav. That was a joke. I just think you should do it. He’s just a child and he’s so far from home… All he has in this huge new world is us, and even most of the ponies here want nothing to do with him. He’s so nice and eager to please, even though he knows almost everyone is wary of him.” Maybe he should consider not being a creepy fucking spider, then. Hell, I get turned into bullshit every other day. All he has to do is ask and I’m sure Taya would be happy to turn him into a pony.

“I already said both fine and whatever, so I’m gonna do it. But I’m gonna do my best to make you feel guilty about forcing me to.”

“How ever will I make it?” she sarcastically replied.

“Maybe with some vibrating panties,” I said. “Or two large vibrators held in place somehow. I’ll definitely have the remote, of course.”

“...That would make me a lot less useful as a guard,” she slowly replied. “I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on protecting you.”

“Well, it’s a thought for the future.” I grabbed a heavy coat and walked over to the door leading out. When I got to it, I looked over at the tree. “You sure he’s awake?”

“Nav, you’re watching him move around.”

Yeah, I totally was. He had filled a pretty good portion of the weeping willow with his hot sticky wads and was working on shaking snow out of a new part of it. A part of me wondered how he was staying warm. A darker part of me wished he would freeze to death so I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. I shushed that part of me with a sigh and opened the door. A blast of cold air slapped me in the face as I stepped out onto the snowy staircase.

Since I didn’t want to slip and break my neck, I flew off the edge and down to the ground. There were a few well-beaten snow paths all around the yard. I picked the one that Spider made with his eight shitty legs and began walking to the tree.

When I finally got to the cliff, I realized I had no idea what to say. Thankfully, Kat gave me a pretty easy script. “You haven’t frozen to death up there, have you?”

The poor kid jumped at my voice and almost fell out of the tree and off the cliff, but managed to put his ridiculous number of legs to good use. Once he realized it was just me, he scampered down to a lower branch. His aura was bright yellow. “I do not feel the cold, high mistress,” he said. “Before I met Kat, I did not even know temperature existed!”

Wonder why they’re immune but changelings can’t handle it. “Weird. You sure you want to live out here all by your lonesome? There’s room for you in the house.” I wouldn’t exactly say you’re welcome, but I’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring you.

“The view out here is nice. It also allows me to hunt birds. And I like climbing around the tree.”

“...As long as you’re careful. One mistake and you might find yourself very flat.” And what a shame that would be.

“Kat and I practiced catching myself with webbing while falling. She told me it would be valuable in some fights. If I ever slip, I believe I will be fine.”

“Well, alright. It definitely looks like you’re making yourself comfortable up there. I’m sure all the local pegasi who see it are going to be talking about it.” Hopefully in a good way. Though I’m not sure there is a good way to talk about a giant spider. “That wind from the cliff is freezing my nipples off, so I’m heading in. I’ll see you later, Spider.”

“Farewell for now, high mistress,” he said, somehow managing to bow up there. His aura never slipped off yellow. I turned and started walking back to the house. Jak was currently walking to the workshop, a cup of something steaming in one of his oversized hands. A few of the guards and crew were out making snowponies. In the house, I could see more ponies in three of the windowed rooms. Kat was also on the bottom floor, talking with Silver and Doppel.

My first target was Jak. I got to him as he was opening the door to the workshop. “You find everything you need in town?” I asked.

“Most everything, aye,” he said as he walked in. I followed him without asking permission, because I’m rude and I owned the place anyway. “There are a few odds and ends I need that you can’t pick up in standard shops. I’ll be sending Smiles out to find a few of them soon. I’ll spend today organizing everything.”

At the moment, the workshop was cluttered to hell and back. There were boxes of tools sitting everywhere and nothing looked like it was where it was supposed to be. “You gonna need help moving that anvil?”

“Yes. I will recruit a few guards to assist me. Or maybe some of the crew. I might as well put their magic to use before they depart. You needn’t worry, lassie. I have everything in hand.”

What part of me makes this guy think I like being treated like a little kid? “Would it be possible to make improved armor for everyone before we head to Tartarus? And have you put any thought into weapons ponies might could use?”

“Yes to both. It’s a shame that dragon scalemail didn’t work out. I made suits for half the guards before you told me it was haunted.”

“...Do you still have it?”

“I believe Gourd had it dumped in one of the warehouses. The armor would be worth a fortune if the curse was removed. To the right buyer, it would be worth even more as it is.”

“Twilight was working on that, I think. I’ll give her one of the sets next time she comes by. If nothing else, they could wear it ceremonially. It’s certainly very imposing.” And it makes my ass look amazing.

…

Not that it matters, of course.

“Perhaps. The first thing I will forge is a prototype weapon. Then I will get back to work on my golem and let Smiles begin crafting new armor and more weapons. The lazy git has some skill, when he gets his head out of the clouds long enough to use it.” Is that actually a compliment? Smiles must be really good, then.

“If you don’t want the mage’s tower finding out about your runes, be careful where you have that golem roaming around. They’re already uncomfortably interested in me. If they find out about that, they’ll be all over this place.”

“Let them come,” he said, waving one of his large hands. “I have learned enough that I could teach them the basics, should they prove talented enough to be my students. Athena is a very dry but effective teacher and has spent enough time alone that she is happy to teach me everything I desire, now that I have proven myself to her. She asks about you often, as well. I believe she would like it if you visited more.”

“Probably. Truth be told, I find her all manner of creepifying.”

“...As do I. I get past it by reminding myself that she’s a very old and lonely woman. I do not think she would ever harm us. To her, we are completely harmless children. Sometimes children make mistakes. You do not harm them if they do, you just rebuke them and teach them a lesson.”

“Yeah, that’s the part that worries me. I don’t want to get turned into a newt.” He slowly lifted an eyebrow. “Or anything else, for that matter. Thankfully, Twilight has the book at the moment, so I have an excuse not to visit.”

“You are a very poor friend.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later, Jak.”

“Forerunner,” he said with a nod. My business there was done and it was still really cold in that building, so I went back outside.

Watcher and Gourd were walking my way. Watcher’s horn was lit up and the snow was melting around the two of them. I met them halfway to the house, because I really wanted to be in that field of warmth. My body started heating up as soon as I got to the edge of the melted snow. The two of them stopped. “Good morning, Nav,” Gourd said.

“Shut your whore mouth, Gourd. And good morning. You two need something?”

“The ship’s gonna head out some time today, unless you need it for anything else,” Gourd said. “We’re heading north. First to Gryphus and then to the Crystal Empire. We should be back within a week.”

“I’ll be sending some of my guards with the ship,” Watcher said. “And a single squad will go with the changeling ship.”

“Along with one of my crew,” Gourd quickly added.

“When are they leaving?” I asked.

“Tonight,” Gourd said. “They’re carrying a few passengers and time-sensitive packages all the way to the other coast. Once they get there, my crew members will look for more work.”

“Might want to talk to the royal guard outpost in whatever city they’re heading to,” I said. “Celestia’s apparently looking to pull all the sailors out of Atlantis. Not sure if she’d pay or not, but it’s worth looking into.”

“Royal contract work pays well,” Watcher said. “And any ship carrying ex-guards will have first pick of the jobs. That’ll be worth looking into.”

“After your trade route up north is done, what were you planning?” I asked Gourd.

“I’ll sell off the last of the stuff we picked up and then tally up the profit,” he said. “We netted quite a nice fortune last haul. Or at least, I thought it was. Once we see what we made this time, we’ll either take that route again or look for a different one.”

“I’m probably gonna need the ship in about a week and a half,” I said. “Twilight and I are attending a festival in Gryphus.” Watcher snorted. “Once that festival is over, I’m going to talk to Princess Gilda about a favor she owes me. If she’s ready to deliver, I’m going to be breaking into the Zone of Alienation.”

“What is that?” Gourd asked.

“A... very dangerous place,” Watcher slowly replied. “A very dangerous place that we have no business in. What could possibly possess you to try your luck there?”

“It’s where Doctor Anonymous created everything you know,” I said. “That facility is a human installation, a place where we might be able to find some very useful information and, with luck, tools. It’s guarded for a reason. I want to know why.”

“Remember what happened the last time you found a human installation?” Gourd asked.

“Yes. That’s why I’m not going into this one alone. I’m going to have my people and Gilda’s people. You motherfuckers can be my ghost shields.”

“Glad we mean so much to you, my lady,” Watcher sarcastically replied. “Do you have any information about the target?”

“None at all. Hell, I don’t even know where it is. I’m hoping Brook, Gilda, or Twilight will be able to fill me in. Any info you can find would also be useful.”

“I’ll see what I can find, but no promises,” he replied.

“Anyway, the reason we came out here was to ask you something,” Gourd said. “We want you to talk to everypony.”

“Specifically, we want you to fill the guards and crew in on what exactly is going on,” Watcher said. “What we’re doing in Canterlot, what your plans are while we’re here, when we’re going to Tartarus, what exactly we’re doing flying around all over the place, everything you know about Discord, and any future plans you might have. With the bonus they’re about to get and with no real plans or information, some of them are thinking about jumping ship.”

“I’ll give everyone a few hours to wake up, get some food, and get moving around,” I said. “Then we can get them all together and talk to them.” It’ll also give me time to think of something to say. “I don’t suppose you know how to turn someone into a human?” I asked Watcher.

“I’m afraid not. Who do you want to turn human?”

“Me. I’m currently a changeling. I guess I’ll have to wait until Taya is up.”

“Or go visit your favorite princess,” Gourd said with a grin.

“I’m not going all the way to the Crystal Empire for this. I’d sooner visit Twilight or Celestia.”

“That’s not what I… Never mind.”

“While you’re traveling, keep an eye out for anyone looking for maid or butler type work,” I said. “I doubt too many people will want to displant themselves to come all the way to Canterlot, but you never know.”

“You got it, Nav,” he said with a nod.

“And I’ve been keeping an ear out as well,” Watcher said. “No luck, so far.”

“There has to be someone out there desperate enough to work for me,” I sighed. “We just gotta find them.”

“When are you doing that interview?” Watcher asked. “Clearing the air and getting rid of some of those rumors about you might help.”

“When I get back,” I said. “I got too much on my plate, otherwise. I don’t have time to set up an interview.” Not to mention that I really don’t want to.

I’m sure they both probably realized that, but were thankfully loyal enough to not say it. “Your plate’s full enough,” Gourd said. “I’m sure Fleur would be happy to set it up.”

“Fleur has her own hands full,” I sighed. “I don’t suppose I could just waltz up to a newspaper writer and tell them I’ll do an interview?”

“...You would have to pick the right one,” Watcher slowly said. “And given that you tend to point knives at them, they would be cautious at best.”

“Hell, I don’t read the fucking news. I have no idea who’s who. How’s this shit normally done, then?”

“They would typically approach you,” Watcher said. “You have to remember that nothing about you is normal, though. If you’re going to do it, you might as well do it differently. I’m sure if you went for a face-to-face with any major writer, they could handle the rest. The problem is finding the right one.”

“Which is something Fleur can help with,” I said. “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t already have an interview or seven lined up.”

“She is a very capable mare,” Watcher said. “It’s nice to see her using her abilities to help the world. Speaking of capable mares, I happened to run into somepony in my dreams last night.”

“Sounds like a hell of a dream,” Gourd said, a naughty grin coming to his face.

“I spoke to Luna last night,” I said. “She told me she would speak to you. I guess she did.”

“She did,” Watcher said with a nod. “She has done some very morally reprehensible things.”

“So have I,” I said, crossing my arms.

“...So have I,” he sighed, hanging his head. “At the moment, all of us share a common enemy and a common goal. I will work with her. You will have to talk the others into it.”

“Which I guess is part of the upcoming talk,” I sighed. “Man, life sure sucks.”

“You gotta find the upsides as you can,” Gourd said with a shrug. “At least you’re surrounded by warm and loving companions!”

“I could do with a lot less of that,” I said, staring at him. His ears flicked a few times and he looked away. “Too many people, yourself included, seem to be doing what they think is the best for me.”

“That’s what friendship is,” Watcher said. “Companionship means doing things for others that they might not think they need.”

“Everyone’s been plotting behind my back.”

“You’re being paranoid,” Gourd said, waving a hoof.

“It’s not plotting, Nav,” Watcher said. “You just don’t recognize it because you’ve never been around it before. This is how a normal noble’s house operates. The vassals and staff all work together to make sure the noble is at their best at all times. We aren’t plotting against you, we’re working together to build you up. This is something that most ponies are either born into or they never see, Nav. We’re all doing our best to make it work. I know that it’s frustrating for you, but everything that we do, we do for you.”

“We’ve all been together on the ship for a while,” Gourd said. “We’ve had plenty of time to talk. But that’s all it is, Nav. We aren’t… you know, plotting or anything…”

“I’d be a lot happier without a few contracts in my name,” I said.

His ears shot straight down and he rubbed the back of his neck. “That wasn’t so much a plot as it was… well, a stroke of convenience.” His ears popped back up and his eyes met mine. “But it was just me! And you should be thanking me!”

“Give it some time,” Watcher said. “Everything will fall into place. We’ll settle into the house, we’ll start working together more in Canterlot, we’ll get to know each other even more, and we’ll finally get what we all want.”

“Way to make that sound ominous as shit,” I said, shivering slightly. “What I want is to sit up in my room all day, doing nothing.” With a few sides of really kinky sex, maybe.

…

Who am I kidding? Definitely lots of kinky sex.

Though I had a feeling that was going to happen whether or not I got my way in the end.

“If that’s really what you wanted, you wouldn’t have run into all of us,” Watcher said.

“Hey man, I didn’t ask to be created by the literal antithesis of life and creation. What I want and what I get are two very different things.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. If you let us do our jobs, we’ll all get what we all need. It may not be what you want, but I’m sure Discord would be happy to unmake you if you asked.”

“Maybe. He seems like an extremely unhelpful person.”

They both sighed. “You’ve been through a lot,” Watcher said. “Do you know how much of what happened was caused by him?”

“No fucking clue,” I said. “According to Athena, Discord cursed the middle east, where the lambs are. My entire time in Egypt could have been his doing. There’s no telling what else that bastard could have done.”

Watcher grabbed me with magic and pulled me in close enough to tap me on the forehead with a hoof. “There’s no telling what he could have done here, Nav.” He let me go and I stood back up. “You don’t know who or what you really are. You don’t have a soul and you were made by Discord. We are not your enemies. That... thing is. Let us help you fight it. But more than that, let us help you. When that thing is dead and gone, we want to celebrate with you at our side.”

“You’re our lady,” Gourd said, nodding. “Everything we do is for you. I would appreciate if you’d remember that.”

I’d appreciate you sucking my cock, but I don’t have one anymore. “I will do my best,” I said.

“Good,” Watcher said. “You keep acting out, and we’ll tell Twilight on you.”

“Ugh, you too?” I sighed. “It was enough that Taya—”

“It’s most of us,” Watcher cut in. “To save you some breath.”

“Not me!” Gourd said with a grin.

“He still has his hopes up,” Watcher said, swishing his tail.

The poor guy blushed bright red. “I… happen to think you and Fleur make a very good couple.”

“Several of my guards agree about that,” Watcher said. “I’ve heard more than a few of them whispering about how they wouldn’t mind seeing it. I don’t think they were talking about a relationship, though.”

“Well, hell, all you bastards are ugly as sin to me,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve been here, what, seven years? I still don’t know what any of you guys find attractive.”

“Curves are a big bonus,” Watcher said. “Fleur is most definitely a curvy mare. But Twilight’s got her fair share. Looks aside, I advise you steer well clear of Fleur, relationship-wise. You aren’t the only one with a bad rep. Hers is different. She’s working on it, but until she has it under control, you’re much, much better off with Celestia’s personal student, sister of Prince Shining Armor.”

“...How about Queen Moonbeam?”

“That… is an option,” Watcher diplomatically said. “Did she propose to you again?”

“Something like that. I made an agreement for her help, should something come to pass. I hope I never need it.”

“...I’m not moving to a changeling hive,” Watcher said.

“I’m certainly not looking forward to it,” I said. “But it would be better than the alternative, should it come to that.”

He knew better than to ask. “If you say so.”

Before he could continue, one of them suddenly grabbed me with magic and yanked me toward them. I quickly found myself behind Gourd and Watcher and in front of a dazzled Cutie Dream, who was in a heap on the ground where I had been standing. The three of us stared at her for a moment before looking up. There was nothing that indicated where the hell she came from. Our eyes moved back down to her.

She managed to pick herself back up and was looking at me with the standard insane grin I’ve come to know so well. “Good morning! I see you moved in quickly!”

“Yep. Is there some part of paperwork that we missed or something?”

“Nope! Silvy’s great at her job. She sure was in a hurry to leave, though. She didn’t even stop to tell me when she wanted the next date!”

Gourd and Watcher looked at each other for a moment before looking back at her. “She’s inside,” I said, crossing my arms. “But I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”

“Oh, p-shaw!” she said, waving a hoof at me. “I won’t let you stand in the way of true love! Now, my pretty little pent-up filly needs her kisses!” She started trotting to the door, wagging her tail.

“Go with her,” I said. “And be ready to toss her out on her ass.”

“You got it,” Watcher said. Gourd sighed and the two of them began tailing her. I looked up at the house. Silver Quill was still in the sun room, along with Kat and Doppel. They hadn’t noticed Cutie yet. I was kinda looking forward to seeing how that went, but I would much prefer to hear it second-hand rather than see it in person.

That comforting and lazy thought in mind, I unfurled my wings and tried taking off. I couldn’t get enough lift, because my wings are fucking garbage and I was wearing too many layers. Instead, I walked over to the cliff and hurled myself off like a madwoman.

After about a hundred feet, I decided I made a mistake and flapped my wings. Instead of doing myself and the world a favor by breaking my neck on impact, I flew back up and circled around to carefully land in front of my bedroom. Kat left the doors unlocked for me, thankfully. I kicked the snow off and let myself inside like I owned the place.

It was a hell of a lot warmer in there. I sighed and began stripping out of layers. Some part of being a changeling made me really not like the cold. Once I was situated, I sat in my chair and thought.

My thinking was interrupted some time later by my door opening. A part of me wished I had been doing something naughty, just to make whoever opened it feel bad for not knocking. Then I saw that it was Taya and I decided sitting in my chair wasn’t too bad, all things told. Her aura was bright pink.

“When’s the last time I let myself in your room without knocking?” I asked.

“...Two days ago?” Oh yeah.

“Alright, fair enough.” She walked in and closed the door behind her, then continued walking toward me. “Do you know the spell to turn someone into a changeling?”

“Um. No. Should I?”

“See if you can learn it. Until then, do you know the spell to turn someone into a human?”

“Of course!”

“Good. Cast it on me.” She blinked. “I’m a changeling.” She blinked again. “Long story. Just do it.”

Thankfully, she did it. Her aura disappeared and I suddenly saw a glow around her horn. It died down and she nodded. “That should do it.”

I closed my eyes and tried turning into a tentacle monster. To tickle her, of course. When I opened my eyes, I was still a fucked up looking human. “That did it.”

“So why were you a changeling?” she asked.

“To pretend to be Celestia. Discord turned her into a filly and took her horn. I had to pretend to be her until she got fixed.”

“That wasn’t a very long story.”

“So, you ready to start exercising?”

“I’d like to hear more of the story!”

“Let’s get you exercising!” She groaned and hung her head.

Since I’m a good mother, I didn’t make her run alone. Instead, I forced a few of the lollygagging guards to keep pace with her. I sat on the edge of the rainbow fountain and watched. It was a lot more fun than running, that’s for damn sure.

While they were doing that, I peered back inside the sun room. Silver Quill was still there, but it looked like she was working now. A few of the crew were also hanging around. I could see Watcher and Gourd on the second floor with Doppel, Kat, and some of the guards. Doppel saw me looking and waved. I lifted my hand up to my face, shoved my tongue between my fingers, and made lewd gestures with it. She smiled and went back to paying attention to the others.

“This house has so much dead space,” I idly mused, reaching down to play with the rainbow liquid. It was comfortably warm and surprisingly thick, though it slid off my fingers with no problem.

“Fill it,” an uncomfortably familiar male voice said. I groaned and dropped my hand. I looked around, but didn’t see the bastard anywhere. “In here.”

Every part of me was telling me not to look. For once, I actually listened. I got up and tried walking away. Before I could even lift a foot, something grabbed me by the throat and forced me back in front of the fountain. It dragged me closer, pushed me to my knees, and made me look into the fountain.

Instead of my own reflection, I saw Discord’s face staring up at me, with his own talons around his neck. “You’ve got quite a lovely home.”

I spit in the fountain.

“That wasn’t very nice.”

“I’m not a very nice person.”

“So I’ve seen. You do have your moments.”

“Are you actually here for a reason this time, or did you just want to say hi again?”

“I always have a reason for visiting. Would you like to know a secret?”

“Are you going to tell me even if I say no?”

“No.”

“Then sure.”

“One of your guards has a crush on you.”

I stared at him for a few seconds. He stared back. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Soooo… You come here often?”

“No, actually. I don’t like doing reflections. It’s too easy to get lost. They do make quite a statement, though.”

“Hey, while I have you here, I was wondering if you could turn me into a guy again.”

“I could.”

“Well… will you?”

He blinked. “Well, I would have, if you had asked nicely. But your tone was very insincere. Honestly, I don’t feel that welcome here.”

“Pretty please with sugar on top?”

“Hm… No, no, I don’t feel like it anymore. You ruined the mood.”

“You’re kind of a dick.”

“I get that a lot.” He suddenly looked to his side and then rolled his eyes. “Welp, gotta go! Hope you don’t mind the goodbye kiss.” His talon went from his throat to the back of his head and he forced my face into the fountain, cackling like a hyena. My hands went to the side to try to push myself back, but he was holding me down. My legs and wings both started flailing as I tried to break free and pull back for some air, but his grip was too strong.

Something grabbed one of my shoulders and pulled, but I still didn’t budge. Something else grabbed the other shoulder and also pulled. Finally, something grabbed my entire body and yanked me out. I flew back and fell into the snow, sucking in air.

“What were you doing?!” Taya yelled, getting all up in my face.

One of the guards grabbed her and pulled her back. “Give her some space. Let her get some air.”

“D-discord!” I panted. “Fountain!”

The guard who wasn’t holding Taya back looked in, though I don’t know why he bothered. “You sure about that, ma’am?”

“Yes!”

The one holding my daughter let her go and she got right back in my face. “What did he do to you?”

“I think we just saw what he did,” one of the guards said. “When I tried pulling you back, I couldn’t. He tried drowning you.”

“What a jerk,” the other guard said as Taya slammed me back onto the ground with a hug. I hugged her back, but a part of me was wondering how long she was going to make it, because the ground was really fucking cold.

“Get Watcher,” I said. “Tell him to round everybody in the house up. Get them all downstairs in the sun room.”

“You got it, my lady,” one of them said. He trotted off.

The other one pawed at the ground. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere, my lady.”

Not sure what good you’ll do, but at least you’re here. I finally sat up and forced Taya back so I could stand. Her horn lit up and she forced all the snow off me, then dried me off. There were rainbow splatters all over the place. My eyes traced them back to the fountain and I noticed a rainbow chain leading up to where I had fallen. I pushed Taya back and took a closer look, thinking it was just a trick of the eyes.

Sure enough, the rainbow liquid was poured very purposefully to look like a chain.

“What are you looking at?” Taya asked.

I blinked and it was gone. All the rainbow fluid was dotted about randomly. His laughter rang in my ears again. “Nothing,” I replied, kicking snow over the splatters. After a second, I sighed and said, “That was a lie. He made the rainbow bullshit look like a chain leading up to where I fell, then made it disappear when you asked. Then he laughed at me. The dude is legit in my head, in a bad way.”

She pressed against my side. “That sounds like him. Don’t let him get to you, mommy. That’s just what he wants.”

“I know. Let’s go.” The three of us walked back into the sun room. Silver jumped when she heard the door open and looked about ready to bolt, but relaxed when she saw it was just us. I walked over to her table and sat down. She set the pen she was writing with down. “So I heard Cutie Dream popped by this morning.”

“...Nav, you spoke to her,” Silver replied.

“That’s how I heard it. How’d it go?”

“It… went. Watcher had to drag her, kicking and screaming, out the door. Then he had to do it again when she flew back around to the other side and let herself in. Then a third time when she flew up to the second floor and let herself in again. Thankfully, Kat was still there when she teleported in the fourth time. After that, Kat had a word with her and then had two of the guards throw her out again. Last I heard, she was promising to come back every day, as often as she could, until she saves me from the fiendish human who’s keeping me here against my will, forced to do her paperwork for eternity.”

That’s just what my reputation needs. “Do we need to kill her?” She squeaked and her eyes went wide. “I mean, that’s an option. If she breaks in again, we can murder her and make it look like self-defense. Or if you’d prefer, Kat can kill her in any number of inventive ways. I’m sure she’d be happy to make it as slow and painful as you’d like.”

She started trembling and Taya gently slapped me with a hoof. “Quit it, mommy.”

“Yes, dear,” I said, rolling my eyes. Silver relaxed with a sigh. “For real, though. You say the word, she’s dead.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” she said. “I’m sure she’ll lose interest eventually.”

“Until she does, be careful,” I said. “If she can teleport in, she might can teleport out. With you. All she’d have to do is be in physical contact with you and she could take you with her.”

“I… did not know that,” she slowly said.

“Taya, teleport her across the room.” Taya’s horn lit up and Silver popped over to an empty seat a few tables away. “That tunes a unicorn in to you. It’ll let her teleport you from anywhere she’s close enough to, in case something ever happens.”

Silver breathed a sigh of relief and walked back over. “That’s good. So at least if she does get me, she won’t keep me for long.”

“Not easily,” I said. “It’s limited entirely by distance. As long as we were quick enough, she wouldn’t have a chance to move you further than we could get you back.”

“Well… I’m sure she won’t go that far…”

“She broke in four times already. After a single date. She was talking about true love when I saw her.”

She sighed and placed her head on the table.

I gently cleared my throat. She looked up. I pulled a small knife out and placed it on the table, then waggled my eyebrows at her. Her eyes rolled. I shrugged and put the knife away. She sat up and went back to writing. “I finished tallying up everything from the dragon’s hoard and gave the numbers to Watcher and Gourd. I’m working on a manifest for Gourd now.”

“Cool.” A few guards wandered in and found seats. “I’m about to make an announcement in here. If you’re in the middle of something, you might want to leave.”

“I’m not,” she said. “What’s the announcement about?”

“Just an update,” I said with a shrug. “Some of this and that. Nothing too big.”

“Then I’ll sit it out,” she said with a grin. “Assuming I’m welcome, of course.”

“By all means,” I said with a shrug. More people were starting to wander in, so I stood up. “I’m gonna go position myself dramatically.”

“You do that,” she said with a nod. Taya followed me up to the bar. I crossed my arms and leaned against it, facing the room and waiting. It looked like half of everybody was there.

“So what’s this really about?” Taya whispered.

“An announcement,” I said, tousling her hair. “Something of this and that. Nothing too big.”

“Ugh, mommy…” She actually let her hair stay tousled, surprisingly. For some reason, that bothered me.

It was her hair, though, so I didn’t let it bother me for long. Another group walked in. That group had all the important people in it, along with the remaining guards and crew. I noticed that the changeling crew was suspiciously absent.

Watcher walked up to me. Everyone else picked out seats and got comfortable. “This is everybody but Jak and Smiles,” he told me. It looked like all fifteen guards and the entire crew of the Second Chance was definitely present. Jak probably told him to fuck off and Smiles was likely already gone. “We’re ready whenever you are.”

I nodded at a table. He walked over to it and sat. “There was an attempt on my life a few minutes ago,” I said. Watcher shot right back up. I waved him down. “I’m fine. The thing that attempted it is out there. Waiting. Watching. Every single one of us, and every single piece of intelligent life on the planet, is in danger. It is called Discord. It’s a magical entity that feeds on conflict to grow in power. Celestia had it imprisoned for a while, but it broke free recently. To put in perspective what kind of threat this thing is, I know for a fact that it’s responsible for billions of deaths.” That caused some whispers. “Yes, you heard that right. Billions. This thing is as old as the humans. To put that in perspective, it was some untold number of eons ago. Every so many thousand years, this thing breaks free, kills millions or billions of intelligent life forms, and then goes dormant again. Ladies and gentlemen, we lucked out and get to meet this beast firsthand.”

“I don’t feel very lucky,” Taya murmured.

“Last I heard from Celestia is that she’s thinking about running. To anyone thinking of joining her, I advise you not to bother. As far as I can tell, he’s omniscient. We either find a way to stop him, get lucky and survive whatever he has planned, or die what I’m sure will be a very horrible death.” Or worse. “The goal of this journey is to find something that will stop him. The Elements of Harmony did it last time, but I’m not holding my breath this time.” Especially since he created them. “I was hoping the elementals would have a plan, but they’ve proven to be worse than useless. Athena gave me a few ideas, but I’m not sure they’ll pan out. Honestly, I’m not sure what it’s gonna take to put this bastard to rest.”

A few throats cleared in the audience. I didn’t blame them.

“We are in Canterlot right now to take some time off,” I continued. “I don’t know about you guys, but this journey has been hard on me. I need time to adjust to my shitty new body. I have a lot of plans while I’m here. Some of those plans will involve you guys, but for the most part, I won’t have any particular need for you. As I’m sure you no doubt know by now, you’re all due for a very large bonus, courtesy of a dragon friend of mine. I suggest you take some time and relax while we’re here, because our next destination is Tartarus.” That got a few more lips wagging. “We’re going to work with Luna to forcefully extract the demon fire queen.”

“What?!” Taya yelled.

“I said we’re going to work with Luna. Despite everything that happened, we are going to work with her.” That got her grumbling, but she let me continue. “With luck, we can take another break after Tartarus. I’m sure we’ll need it. Hopefully we’ll have more leads at that point, too. If anyone wants to cut and run, you’re free to. I wouldn’t blame you. Hell, I might do it if I thought I had the chance, but Discord has a fucking chain around me. But I’ll say now that if we fail, there won’t be enough money in the world to save you.”

“What kind of chain?” one of the redshirts asked.

Fuck it, yolo. “He created me,” I said. The room became uncomfortably quiet. “I don’t know how and I don’t know why. I assume if he made me, he can unmake me. I’m working on ways to cut myself off from him, but I have no idea how successful it’ll be. If things end up falling through, I will pass the torch on to Watcher and let him lead the expedition.” And possibly kill myself. “I don’t know what Discord has in mind, but I’m not going to have the entire crux of the resistance against him be somebody that he put in place. I won’t be able to put my plan in place until we’re in Tartarus, so I’m stuck in limbo until then.”

The silence in the room was deafening.

I didn’t let it last long. “I’m sure all of this has raised a number of concerns with all of you. If you have any questions, I am happy to field them. I am going to be completely open, honest, and as transparent as possible about everything. That said, there are a lot of questions I don’t have answers to either, so don’t get your hopes up too much.”

“What are you gonna do after Discord’s dead?” Gourd asked.

“Depends on what I have to do to make it happen,” I said. “Assuming everything goes well and it ends with me still being a lady, I’ll see what I can do about turning the Everfree into something worth owning. I’ll probably also find someone to settle down with. Everyone who still wants to work for me will be free to, though I have absolutely no idea why you’d want to.”

“Are you really competing in the beauty pageant?” one of the guards asked.

“I just talked about a demon that could end everything as you know it. Where the fuck are your priorities?”

“...I like celebrity gossip.”

“Fuck it, whatever. Yes, I am really competing in the stupid beauty pageant. I’m going to lose as quickly as I can on purpose.”

“Why lose on purpose?” another guard asked.

“Can we maybe get off the beauty pageant thing and get back to the world ending thing?”

“Just asking,” he muttered.

“Ugh, fine. I’m going to lose on purpose because I don’t want to do it and I just said I would to get Fleur off my back. And if any of you tell her I said that, I’ll make you regret it.”

“Do you have any proof?” another guard asked.

“About how powerful Discord is?” I hopefully asked.

“No, about making us regret it.” I sighed and placed my head in my hands. “Nah, just messing with you. I definitely meant the Discord thing.”

“It’s true,” Kat said. “I saw him myself. He paraded me around like a doll and there was nothing I could do to stop him.”

“And he just tried drowning me in the fountain,” I said. “Though I honestly doubt he was trying to kill me. He was probably just being an asshole. It’s less about what he did and more about how he did it, since he became my reflection in the water and dragged me around from wherever he really was. Point is, the danger is real. Some of you might recall the human bunker in Antarctica that I got trapped in. That is where some of the last remaining humans met their very untimely ends, possibly at his hands.”

“What’s the point of the elementals?” someone else asked.

“No fucking clue, at this point,” I said, shrugging. “I thought they would be helpful. As it is, they’ve been a whole big package of useless and I’m kinda regretting unleashing them upon the world.”

“That isn’t very nice,” Brook said. Half the ponies jumped out of their seats and I pushed myself off the bar as she slid into view. At the moment, her entire body was the standard blue. Apparently she had been hiding in the foyer and listening in.

“Neither is eavesdropping,” I coldly replied.

“I just dropped in for a visit, but nobody was answering the door. I thought I’d let myself in to see why. It’s hardly my fault if I overheard a few things.”

“It’s absolutely your fault for letting yourself in. What, very specifically, did you overhear?”

“The first thing I heard was you saying that there was an attempt on your life.” God dammit. “I thought about making myself known then, but I didn’t want to interrupt. That would be rude.”

“As rude as letting yourself into someone’s house?” I asked.

“Perhaps. I have some questions as well, if you’re still fielding them.”

“I’m fielding questions for people that were invited to this announcement. I’ll answer your questions when they are done.”

“I am, if nothing else, very patient.”

“If you were patient, you would have waited for someone to answer the door.” A few of the guards snickered. She didn’t reply. I looked back out the peanut gallery. “Anyone else got any questions?” Brook must have ruined the mood, because no one spoke up after a few seconds. “I’m almost always open for more, if anyone wants to approach me privately,” I said. “Y’all just heard a lot, so I’m sure you have a lot to think about. For now, you’re all dismissed.”

No one made any motion to move, so I decided to take the lead by walking out. Taya and Brook followed me. I began walking up the stairs. Taya teleported up, because she’s in bad shape. Brook continued sliding behind me.

When I got to the top, I found Taya waiting next to my door. I walked in and both of them followed me. “You’ve got quite a lovely home,” Brook warmly said.

“That’s literally, word for word, what Discord told me a few minutes ago,” I replied as I walked over to my chair. Taya followed and sat at my side. Brook settled on top of the chair across the desk from me.

“Hm. Yes, that is one of the things I wanted to ask about. So you’ve finally seen him?”

“Several times, now. He’s kind of a dick.”

“I’m sure he gets that a lot,” she replied with a grin.

“He does. About the most use I’ve gotten out of him is him telling me that he made me. Of course, that was more annoying than anything.”

“I see. Have you considered my offer, Navarone?”

“Yes. What do you know about the old google bunker in Colorado?”

“I know that is where Doctor Anonymous designed and built the new species and the genetic algorithms that led to life as we know it today. The water elementals were created in Europe, but weren’t truly released until well after all the bunkers went permanently offline, so I never went to that one. I used to have all the information from all the bunkers in my head, but it degraded over time and now all I have are fragments. It’s unfortunate, because I know that a lot happened then that would be very useful to know now, but I don’t remember any of it.”

“That bunker is still standing,” I said. “My crew and I are going there soon. We might need your help.”

“I seem to recall you saying that we were useless.”

“Did I?” I mused.

“Yes.”

“Oh. Well, we’re going to the bunker with or without you. All the same, I’d prefer going with you.”

“We would be pleased to assist, Navarone,” she said, bowing her head for a short moment. “Though there are not many of us nearby at the moment. Flo would like to know when you plan to visit her.”

“When I feel like it,” I said. Her eyes finally lost their blue hue and turned a few shades red. “And by that, I mean it’ll be some time after we get back from the bunker. Twilight’s going to do some magic on me before I do. I probably won’t wait very long after getting back.” Of course, that magic might put me in a coma for the rest of my life, but whatever.

“Ah, yes. Aqua mentioned that before we parted ways. Such a thing is very risky. Are you sure it’s worth it?”

“Yes,” I immediately replied.

“What are you talking about?” Taya asked.

“Twilight found a spell that’ll help me learn who I really am,” I said. “Despite any changes someone else might have made.”

“That doesn’t sound bad,” she slowly replied.

“Your mother left out a few details,” Brook said. “The spell will put her in a coma that she might never awaken from.”

“What?!”

“Without help,” I said. “I might never wake up if I don’t have help. There is another spell that will give somebody else the ability to help me should I falter, which means the coma won’t last forever. I was planning on asking you, Taya.”

“Of course I’ll help!”

“Then there’s no risk,” I said with a smirk. Taya beamed.

Brook didn’t seem very pleased, but that didn’t surprise me. “That is your decision to make, Navarone. You said you have considered my offer. Have you decided to reject it?”

“...No. I’ve seen the merits of having a water elemental, especially these last few days. There are definitely upsides. I’m still considering it. I just don’t feel comfortable making a decision until after Twilight does her thing.”

“I see. I would like to make another point, then. Should you continue running into Discord, having me in your mind might protect you from some of his tricks.”

“I will certainly add that to my considerations.”

“You walk a very dangerous road,” she said. “Both on the ship and in Canterlot. You have enemies. Our assistance is, as you said, very valuable.”

“Yep. As I said, I’m considering it. I just feel like I really need time to clear my head and do my own thing.”

“I understand. Taking an elemental into you is a very serious matter. You did not have time to truly consider things when Flo asked. We will, of course, be on your side no matter what you choose. I would personally feel more comfortable with you having our direct support. Some of the decisions you make are rash, at times, and I believe having a second opinion would help you. If you choose not to become a host again, we would still be very happy to assist you in any way that we can.”

If I decide not to take another elemental in me, it’ll be because I have proof that Flo fucked up my mind and I wouldn’t want your help anyway. “Good to know,” I said. “You got any other questions?”

“I have enough questions for you that we could probably be here for the rest of the day,” she said. “My sisters and I are very curious about you. Flo is tight-lipped and has not told us much.” At least there’s that. “However, I know you are busy and I do not wish to take up all of your time. Perhaps, if you are open to the idea, we can speak the next time we are on the ship and have little to do.”

“Maybe. I don’t much care for talking about myself, though.”

“Well, we shall see. Farewell for now, Navarone. Try to stay warm.”

“I’ll do my best. Don’t freeze in the pond.”

“It is certainly chilly, but thankfully not that bad.” With that, she slid out the balcony door.

“She didn’t say goodbye to me…” Taya muttered.

“Did you want her to?”

“No, it just seemed rude.”

“Eh. I am going to cleanse my body.”

“‘Kay. I guess I’ll go throw some magic over the cliff.”

“Try not to hit anyone on the bottom.”

“We’ll see.” She trotted over to the other door, presumably to pick up warmer clothes in her room. I walked to the bathroom and took a warm bath. Shit was so cash.

Once I was done and dry, I threw on the first clothes I found, then grabbed a heavy jacket and went back out. I looked over the edge and only saw a single guard at the bottom, so I grinned and hopped over the side.

As soon as I hit the bottom, I heard a feminine throat clear. I closed my eyes and sighed, then opened them as I slowly turned. It was Doppel, of course. I smiled. “What did I tell you yesterday?” she asked.

“Um… That you think I’m sexy?”

“You’re lucky I don’t make you march back up there and walk down properly!”

I knew there was no way she could actually make me do that, but I wasn’t about to tempt fate. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

She huffed, then looked me up and down. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah. The mages at the tower have been asking about me for some time. I figured it was about time to finally see what they want.”

“...And you’re going dressed like that?”

I looked down at myself. Everything seemed fine to me. I looked back up and said, “That was the plan, yeah.”

She sighed and facehooved. “Mistress, go on back to your room. I’ll be up there in just a second.”

“Um. Why am I going back to my room?”

“So you don’t embarrass all of us when you’re seen dressed like that!”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“They’ve waited this long. They won’t mind another twenty minutes.”

I rolled my eyes. “You have exactly twenty minutes, starting when I get in my room. If you aren’t done in that time, I’m leaving in whatever I’m in.”

“I only need fifteen,” she said with a nod. I snorted and began walking back up the stairs.

“Waste of fucking time,” I quietly muttered. She may have heard it, but she didn’t reply.

It only took her about two minutes after I got to my room to make it up herself. She surely saved some time by flying up the stairs instead of walking them. I don’t know why the servants got to do it the easy way while the nobles had to fucking walk. That didn’t seem fair to me.

Sure enough, it took her right around fifteen minutes to get me dressed in something she deemed appropriate. Unfortunately, it was a fairly long dress, one that my tail didn’t make rise up. I knew making a good impression with the mages was wise, so I didn’t fight her too much. She also managed to get on a very minimal amount of makeup.

Once she was done, she stepped back and looked me over. She was apparently satisfied with her work, because she grinned and nodded once. “Much better! Now you’re just missing one thing.”

“You sure?” I asked. “I mean, I got a few throwing knives tucked away here and there.” Not that this stupid dress has any pockets.

“Yes, I’m absolutely sure. You’re missing the most important thing, actually. You aren’t going anywhere, especially not there, without your daughter. She told me that you said she was going to be protecting you from magic. If she finds out you went to the mage’s tower without her, she might be upset.”

“What would I do without you, Doppel?”

She sighed dramatically. “I ask myself that every day, mistress. She’s still out back.”

“Then Imma go boop her, then finally go to the mage’s tower.”

“And I shall return to work. I’ll see you when you get back, mistress!” I reached over and booped her first, then walked to the door leading outside. It was still unlocked. I let myself out, jumped off the railing, slipped and almost hit the ground, barely managed to catch myself, then glided over to where Taya was shooting at targets one of the crew members was throwing over the cliff. I landed a few meters away to avoid the wind coming up off the cliff and walked over to them right as Taya destroyed another target.

“You’re pretty good at this,” I said.

“It is my special talent, mommy,” she replied with a grin.

I didn’t quite agree with that, but we had been down that road before. “You want to go with me to the mage’s tower?” I asked.

“Yep! When?”

“Now.”

“Oh. Um. Are you wearing that?”

God dammit, I hate being a woman so fucking much. “Yes.”

“Good. I like it.”

I guess it has a few upsides. “You ready?”

“Are we flying?”

“I mean, if you want. I’d also be fine with walking.”

“Why would we ever walk if we could fly, mommy?” I shrugged. She grinned and made a pair of cute little butterfly wings appear on her back.

“I’ve never seen that spell before,” the crew guy said.

“It’s really rare and really hard,” Taya said, looking over her shoulder at them. “And so worth it!” The wings started flapping and she shot up about a meter. “Coming, mommy?”

“Just a sec.” I looked over at the crew guy. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the mage’s tower. I don’t know how long it’ll take.”

“I’ll let the others know,” he said with a nod.

I reached over and poked him on the nose. He looked somewhat offended. “Thanks.” He didn’t reply as I jumped off the cliff and quickly soared off. Taya joined me and together, we flew to the tall tower. Thankfully, she could project her warm aura around us even while we were flying, so I didn’t freeze my lady bits off.

“So what’s even at the mage’s tower?” Taya asked.

“Mages,” I replied. She rolled her eyes. “It’s a place where unicorns who want to dedicate their lives to magic go. There are departments for everything under the sun. The place is built into a pocket dimension, so it’s huge. There’s also a giant floating rock chained to it that they use for special experiments. They’re the ones who sent me back in time.”

“Oh. Oh! If they could send you back to when the humans were around, couldn’t they send you back to when the gender stones still worked?”

“I tried. Turns out that they just got lucky the first time and they couldn’t help me.”

“...That’s stupid.”

“Tell me about it.” She shut her cute trap and we continued to the tower.

When we got there, we landed in front of the gates. The two guards smiled when they saw me. “We’ve been expecting you, Lady Navarone,” one of them said. His horn lit up and a coin appeared. “Hand this to the secretary when you get inside. The Seven should be assembling soon.”

“Do you have any clue what they want?” I asked.

“I’m afraid they don’t tell us much,” he replied, floating the coin over. I grabbed it and he let it go. “I also don’t know how long it will take, so we’ll give you a powerful resistance spell now and remove it when you leave.”

“Alrighty.” Their horns lit up and a blast of light hit me and Taya. Her wings disappeared with a poof and I felt mine grow heavier.

“That should do it,” he said as the light died down. “You’re free to enter.”

“See you in a few,” I said, walking past them.

“I’ve never seen magic like that,” Taya whispered as we walked.

“You’ll see a lot of things here that you won’t see anywhere else,” I replied. “The first time I came, I walked past students magically dueling each other. There were also students on standby to heal them. There were some students doing magical obstacle courses, as well. I guess it’s too cold out for many students, now.” A few classes were going on outside, but nothing too interesting. The only thing of note is that there wasn’t any snow lying on the ground. It was all still charred black with craters every few meters.

“...How many students were dueling?” she slowly asked.

“I don’t remember. They were doing it in pairs, though. They definitely looked like they were having fun. I bet it’s a great way to learn magic, too.”

“Yeah… I bet…”

Taya opened the doors for us with magic and we walked on in. There were a lot more people than usual in the entryway. It was mostly students and a few teachers. Several of them seemed startled to see me, but none of them bothered me. My daughter and I continued to the secretary, who was being pestered by a stallion. I guess he thought he was flirting with her, but she was very obviously not interested.

She, at least, seemed relieved to see me. Probably because it meant the stallion had to leave her alone while she spoke to me. “Welcome back to the tower, Lady Navarone,” she said with a large smile. “Are you here to see the Seven?”

“If they’re available,” I said. She eyed the token in my hand, so I passed it to her. “The guards at the gate told me to give you this.”

She tapped it against the desk a few times before nodding. “Come along, my lady.” She led me and my daughter over to the teleporter. “I’m afraid this token only works for one. Your filly will have to wait here.”

Well shit, that defeats the purpose of bringing her. “Are you gonna be okay down here?” I asked.

Taya looked over her shoulder at the large number of mages, then looked back at me with an inkling of a smile. “I think I’ll be just fine, mommy!”

I kneeled down to hug her, because it seemed like the right thing to do. She hugged back, because she’s a little cuddle slut. When I was satisfied, I let her go and pulled back. “I’ll see you soon, then,” I said.

“Bye, mommy!” I stepped onto the teleporter pad. The secretary dropped the coin into a small slot and pulled the teleport lever. I tasted something funny in my mouth for a moment before reality straight up warped and I found myself standing on top of a pure black ocean. That only lasted a minute before I appeared in the middle of a dark, circular room. Two old ponies sat in chairs on opposite sides of the room.

“Ah, Lady Navarone,” one of them warmly said. “We were wondering if you had gotten our message.”

“Not until just recently,” I said. “I haven’t returned to my home in the Everfree in quite some time. Watcher told me, but I was so busy I didn’t have time. Princess Celestia told me herself, so I decided it couldn’t wait anymore. How can I help you?”

Another one slowly faded in. She was a very old and wizened mare and took a seat with a sigh. “Ah, so you finally came. Welcome, old one. I would like to offer my apologies for taking up some of your time. With luck, what we discuss will be worth it.”

Here’s hoping. “What are we gonna discuss?” I asked again.

The one who hadn’t spoken yet said, “The other four are in a meeting, likely talking about this very thing. Protocol says to wait, but your time is valuable and there’s no need to waste it. Twilight Sparkle recently donated several unique magical artifacts of varying makes. She noted that she obtained them with your assistance. You later came here and told some of our mages that you had a book that contained an ancient mage in it. We would like to officially determine the truth of this matter, then discuss… how we move forward.”

I suddenly felt very vulnerable. I was in a weird pocket dimension surrounded by very powerful mages with no way to defend myself. “...What exactly do you mean by that?” I slowly asked.

“As I’m sure you understand, that book, if it exists, is of great interest to us. Not only for the massive treasure trove of artifacts, but for the chance to meet a mage who built such a place! If we ascertain that you are telling the truth, we would like to enter into an agreement with you. We know that you intend great things. With our help, you could do so much more.”

“That’s a very enticing offer. But I don’t think you know what kind of can of worms you might be opening. I’m sure you’re all very accomplished wizards, but you are nothing to that woman. You are mere children. If you don’t step carefully with her, you could end up worse than dead. Her labyrinth is a dungeon, complete with tons of magically resistant monsters. One wrong step and you’ll be dead, with your soul stuck there to haunt it as a new guardian. And if you aren’t careful in their traps, you’ll end up stuck in a book for eternity. The mage herself is all manner of unpleasant. She’s completely insane, with no boundaries at all.”

The three of them shared a long look before he asked, “What is this mage’s name?”

“Athena.” One of them cleared his throat. I heard the mare ease back in her seat. The one who spoke had a hint of a grin on his face. “I have a feeling you recognize that name.”

“I’m afraid that conversation will have to wait for the others to get here,” the mare said.

“...What about the name Discord?” They all three frowned and clammed up. “I take it that you recognize that one, too. Did you happen to know that he was free?”

“...You just became very interesting, Lady Navarone,” one of the stallions said, leaning in.

“You have no idea,” I said with a grin. “Discord quite likes me. He’s tried to kill me once or twice already.”

“That is a very bold claim,” the mare said.

“But given what you are, I would believe it,” one of the other stallions quietly replied. His horn lit up and I heard a gentle bong. A few seconds later, the other four teleported in.

“Our apologies for the delay, Lady Navarone,” the oldest one said. He was wearing a red robe and hat. “We hope you were not kept waiting long.”

“Not too long,” I said. “I understand you’ve been trying to get in touch with me for some time.”

“Only a few weeks,” the red one replied. “You came to our attention recently when you helped the Princess save our tower from the demons. We had read reports of you before that, but seeing you in action piqued our interests. We did more research about your visits to the tower and discovered claims that you made to the enchanted items department. We would like to discuss these claims.”

“Yes, I have a book with a pocket dimension in it that leads to a very old human mage.”

The latecomers gave looks to those who were on time. The ones who were on time just shrugged. “We discussed it with her,” the mare said. “And we all believe that she’s telling the truth. She knows the names Athena and Discord, and she claims to be hunted by Discord.”

“The mages in the enchanted items department did mention a demon of chaos, and they told us that a message appeared on a non-magical chalkboard,” another said.

“Tell us what you know of this Athena,” the guy in red said.

“She’s an old human woman that’s been magically modified to look more like a bird. In my time, Athena was known as a goddess of wisdom. I think she was the same Athena, so she greatly influenced events in my time. Since then, she’s been doing her best to fight Discord every way she can. Her book was given to me from an old mare in a magical antique shop hidden in a pocket dimension. I fought my way through it with Twilight’s help and almost died to a number of horrific, powerful enemies. We picked up books that were relevant to our interests as we went, discovering all kinds of things in the process.”

“Describe her realm.”

“It was a massive library full of roaming constructs covered in runes, very lethal monsters, hidden traps, and the entire thing was a maze. Every room we went into had four doors. The walls were lined with books and there were piles of them all over the place. There were also all kinds of relics, things left behind by dead travelers. Every time you went through a doorway, you appeared inside of a book. You had to act out characters in the book. The further off course you deviated, the more hostile the occupants got. Once enough time passed, you could leave and would enter a new room with new enemies. When we got to the end, we met Athena herself. She congratulated us and invited us to come back whenever we wanted. Since we’ve completed the maze, we can go back to her directly, with guests. So if you wanted to meet her, I could ask if she’d be interested. If so, I could introduce you.”

“Give us one moment, Lady Navarone,” the oldest one said. I nodded. His horn lit up, then immediately dimmed. “There we are.” He fell silent.

“So… do you need me to leave?”

“We just paused time around you and discussed something. We have decided that we believe you.”

“Cool. Do you want to meet her?”

“Yes. But we would also like to discuss a few other things with you. First, would you tell us everything you know of Discord?”

“Sure, why not.” I proceeded to do just that, though I left out that he created me.

He nodded when I was finished. “So it seems that he is active again. This is… problematic.”

“Yeah, it sucks hella hard,” I said.

“Were there other gods in your time?” the important one asked. “Other beings of myth and legend?”

“...How did you know the name Athena?” I asked.

“You’re very perceptive,” one of the originals sighed.

“It pays to be, in my profession,” I said. “You have records of her?”

“It’s more than that,” the red shirt said. “We have two more books like hers.” I eased back on my heels. “One is empty. We scouted it and pulled out all the artifacts ages ago. The being within was more of a warrior than a mage, however. We found references to Athena from there. We also found the location of another book, though we had no clue what was in it. We’ve sent several parties into it, but none have ever returned. The book hasn’t been touched since I was just a little colt.”

“Going into one of those things is a tall order,” I slowly said. “The person within could do anything they wanted. The entire place could be completely impassable instead of very dangerous. You could be trapped and starve to death, or be instantly killed by magic, or any number of horrific things. Entering Athena’s book was an accident and we weren’t at all prepared. We just barely got out, and I don’t know if I want to go back into another one.”

“...One other fact that we discovered in the empty book is that these beings can speak to each other if the books are in close proximity. If we have Athena’s book, she could speak to the other mage and learn about him. Think of what we could do if we had access to both!”

“I’ll discuss it with Athena,” I said. “That’ll be her choice to make. If she isn’t interested, you’ll have to accept that.”

“We never expected to force you, of course,” he replied. “When can you have an answer to us?”

“Probably today. Twilight Sparkle has the book, but she won’t mind me using it.”

“...Twilight Sparkle,” he slowly said. “If possible, bring her with you when you return. Your experience is valuable, but you do not… speak our magical language, so to say. She would be better able to tell us what we need to know about Athena’s realm.”

“I’ll ask and see if she’s available,” I said. “Perhaps you guys could do me a few favors as well. I need some help with a few magical things.”

“As I said, if you help us with this matter, we will do what we can to assist you,” he said.

“Then if there’s nothing else, I’ll go ask right now.”

They all pressed their hooves against the desk separating us. I appeared over the ocean again for a moment before my feet hit the teleporter pad. When I turned to face the other way, I saw that a good number of the mages were staring at me now. I guess it isn’t every day that someone gets to speak to the Seven.

Those who weren’t staring at me were talking to my daughter. When I saw that, I was expecting her to make a beeline for me as soon as I reappeared. As I walked closer, I realized she was actually talking back, and seemed to be fairly excited. Even better, a few of the mages she was talking to were around her age, and included a few colts.

She was facing away from me, so she didn’t see me walk up. The oldest mage there did happen to be facing me, and smiled when I got close. “Greetings, Lady Navarone.” Taya looked my way with a grin. “Your filly has quite a lot of knowledge for somepony her age.”

“She’s been learning from a lot of really experienced mages,” I said. “Twilight Sparkle, a few ex-guards, and some ex-battlemages.”

“So she’s told us,” he replied. “You know, she could learn quite a lot here, if she’s interested.”

“Until just recently, our schedule didn’t really allow for it,” I said, crossing my arms. “But we’re going to be in Canterlot for a few months. If she’s interested, would that be enough time to get her enrolled? And would she be able to come back if she had to leave when we continue on our journey?” Taya’s grin actually grew.

“Oh, of course,” he said. “We began a new round of classes with the new year, so if she got started today or tomorrow, she would barely even be behind. There is a high enough teacher to student ratio that we can typically tailor each student’s lessons to their skill level, and pair them off with students with similar abilities. If she needed to leave later, she could pick the classes back up, though she would likely be behind. Our students are typically older, and have erratic schedules, so such a thing isn’t uncommon here.”

“And she could pick what she studied?” I asked.

“She could pick what she spent most of her time studying,” he replied. “However, one of the core tenets of this university is that every unicorn who attends should be capable of the most basic magic in all seven schools. She’ll be given an aptitude test when she enters. If she passes all seven portions, she will be able to skip the beginner courses and move straight to whatever she desires to learn. If she fails any of the portions, she will be placed in a beginner course in whatever she failed. She’ll still be allowed to study what she desires, but her time will be split until she is able to pass the aptitude test.”

“That seems fair,” I said. “How much does this cost?”

“The aptitude test and the beginner courses are free. We do that to encourage unicorns from all walks of life to better themselves. Classes after that have a fee depending on the difficulty of the course, the availability of professors, resources the student uses, and a few other minor odds and ends. I would need to see your daughter’s abilities myself before I could tell you exactly how much the classes would cost, but I would roughly estimate that she could spend a year here for twenty-five bits.”

Holy shit, that’s basically nothing. “I’m sure she mentioned this, but she’d want to learn mostly combat magic. I assume you have safeguards in place to make sure no one is hurt?”

“You assume correctly, my lady,” he said with a nod. “I have seen students hurt, but only when they refuse to listen to instructions or get impatient. As long as she follows our rules, she’ll be perfectly safe.”

“And she’ll be allowed to work at her own pace?”

“Some students learn faster than others,” he replied. “That is a fact of life. In all things, we will encourage caution, safety, and thoroughness. We don’t want our students to move ahead until we are positive that they truly understand a lesson and are able to safely cast the spells required to move forward. She’ll be given a test each time she wishes to advance. When she is able to pass the test, she will be able to advance.”

“How are the internal politics here?”

He lifted his eyebrows. “That’s not a question I hear from many prospective students.”

“That’s not something many people think about until it bites them in the ass.”

“Hm. In short, the internal politics typically only affect the staff, the researchers, and the professors. Every class has a few problems, but it’s very rarely anything serious. Many of our students are very mature and come here to learn. Our professors strive to keep professional integrity around the students, so problems with other professors typically won't affect the students at all.”

I finally looked down at Taya. “You interested?”

“Just think of what all I could learn, mommy!”

“You’ll be here a lot,” I said. “You won’t have nearly as much time to spend with me.” That seemed to take some of the wind out of her sails and her smile dipped. “Tell you what. I need to go talk to Twilight, but then I’ll be coming right back. Stay here and talk some more. If you decide you want to become a student, we’ll make it happen. If you decide you’d prefer to keep learning from the others, that’s perfectly fine too.”

Her ears twitched. “How… how long are you gonna be gone?”

“Long enough to find Twilight, ask her a question, and then get back. If you get tired of waiting, you’re free to head back to the house, but it shouldn’t be that long.”

She seemed a little nervous, but she finally nodded. “Okay, mommy. I’ll wait here.”

“Cool. I’ll be back in a few minutes, then.”

She hopped up and hugged me. “I love you,” she whispered.

“Love you, too,” I whispered back. She let me go and I walked on out, leaving her with the group of mages. I probably should have asked if they would mind, but being impolite is all the rage these days.

The guards at the gate removed the resistance spell. I tried taking off, but couldn’t generate enough lift. Thankfully, the guards were happy to throw me a few meters in the air so I could catch myself and fly off.

As I flew, I thought about how I could go about fixing my fucked up wings. That was twice that I failed to take off from the ground. Flo and Blaze kept talking about cutting off the wings to see if they’d grow back, but I never had time. I was thinking it might be necessary to make time. If I got into any situations in Tartarus where I needed to fly but couldn’t, I might get killed.

If I was going to be in a coma for some time anyway, it might be a good idea to have my wings chopped off before then, to give them time to regrow. They might grow back as something retarded, like leaves or whatever, but it would be better than having mismatched ones.

I landed in front of the palace and got let in with no issues. Nobody bothered me as I made my way to Twilight’s room. Thankfully, the door opened as soon as I hit it with my shoe. Unfortunately, Twilight was not alone. Applejack was in there with her. They both seemed surprised to see me.

Applejack reacted first and walked over to me. “I don’t reckon you’d know anything about this, would you?” she testily asked, holding up a letter.

“Looks like a piece of paper,” I said. “Which is usually made of trees. And it has writing on it, probably some kind of ink.”

“I meant what’s on it, smart alek!”

“Oh.” I grabbed it and read it. “Yeah, I know everything about this.” I held the paper up for her to take.

She snatched it out of my hands and turned her eyes to me. “Well?!”

“I don’t know what you want from me. The letter says it all.”

“I JUST GOT FOUR THOUSAND BITS!”

“No need to yell,” I said, clearing out one of my ears with a pinky.

“I think there’s definitely a need to yell!” Thankfully, she didn’t yell that at me.

“In joy or anger?” Twilight asked. “Because that’s a lot of bits. I don’t know why you’d be angry.”

“See, she has the right idea,” I said. “You’re making this into a bigger deal than it is.”

“IT’S A HUGE DEAL!”

“Oh. Should I be yelling too?”

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“MANY HAVE WONDERED,” I yelled, reaching out to tousle her hair. Then I realized she was wearing a hat and pulled my hand back. “If you don’t want the money, you can just give it back. I’ll redistribute your share to the others.”

She blinked. “You’re darn right I don’t—Wait, my share?”

“Yeah. Everyone on the ship got the same amount.”

“I didn’t,” Twilight said.

“You haven’t yet,” I said. “The letters might not have gotten to all of you yet. Silver just finished counting it recently and it probably just got to the bank a few hours ago. Hell, I can’t believe Applejack already got a letter about it. But yeah, you’re all getting the same amount. So is everyone in the crew and all the guards.”

Applejack leaned back. “I… didn’t realize that.”

I reached over and booped her. “You’re such a silly pony, Applejack.”

“I reckon that might be so,” she said. “So uh… Why are we gettin’ this money?”

“That is courtesy of our old friend Reginald,” I said. “He fucked me over as hard as he could and almost got me raped to death while I was in Iceland, so he decided to give me his hoard by way of apology. I took what I needed to buy a new house and gave the rest to everyone on the ship to use for relaxation money before we head to Tartarus. I got more than enough and figured you guys could use some.”

“That’s… almightily generous of you, Nav,” she slowly said.

“She’s always been like that with money,” Twilight replied.

“I suppose so,” Applejack whispered.

“Sorry about the lack of details,” I said with a shrug. “I honestly thought Watcher would hand it out personally, not just give it to the bank. I also thought Rarity would have told everyone in Ponyville, since I told her a few days ago. When you head back to town, let the others know.”

“I’ve been outta town,” Applejack said. “So she never got the chance. Are you really sure you wanna give me this money?”

“Yeah.”

She waited for more, but none came. Twilight finally smiled. “Looks like Granny Smith’s getting that hip replacement after all.”

“Buck that!” Applejack immediately replied. “She’s getting an everything replacement! And the farm’s gonna get rebuilt and the barns’re all gettin’ fixed up and the tools are getting replaced and Applebloom’s gonna go to a fancy school and… And...” She hung her head and sniffled. “I ain’t never had so much money in my life…”

“Be careful with it,” I said. “You’d be surprised—” I was interrupted by the heavy mare quickly wrapping herself around me. Applejack actually started crying over my shoulder. Oh boy. Since I’m not as much of an asshole as I used to be, I hugged her back. She was warm, but not that squishy. Twilight was giggling at my predicament, though she was trying to stifle it.

Thankfully, it didn’t take Applejack too long to get over her little episode. She pulled back from me with a smile and a runny nose, which probably meant that she ruined my nice dress with her snot and tears. That was more of a concern for Rarity, so I didn’t worry about it too much. “Thank you, Nav.”

“No worries, brah,” I said. “Why were you so angry when I got here?”

“Well, I thought you were givin’ me the money… for another reason. I ain’t one to be acceptin’ no pity and I sure as sure ain’t gonna be takin’ no dirty money.”

“Understandable. Want a belly rub to help calm you down?”

“...I ain’t gonna say no, but—”

“Good. Twilight, can you magic us up a couch?”

“Only if you give me a belly rub, too.”

“Deal, but it’ll have to be later. I’m on the clock.”

“No deal,” Applejack immediately said. “I ain’t gonna take up none of your time, not if you’re in a hurry.”

“‘Kay. I’ll be sure to stop by the farm later for it, then. I might also rub Applebloom’s, if she’s there.”

“Sounds good to me,” the dirty mud pony replied. “I’ll go on and get outta your mane, then.” Before Twilight or I could reply, she trotted past me and down the hall, head held high.

“Such a silly pony,” I said, shaking my head.

“You’re pretty silly yourself, Navi,” Twilight said. She used magic to float me over and kissed me on the nose. “That was really nice of you, too.”

“Calling her silly?”

“Don’t make me ravish you.”

“Well, I didn’t need the money. Like I told her, everyone on the ship is getting a share. I figured it was only fair. After all, we’re risking our lives to save everyone. We might as well get something out of it. And if we all die horrible deaths, we might as well be able to enjoy what little time we have left. Can you put me down now?”

She set me back on my feet. “It makes sense, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less nice for it. You definitely should have distributed my share out to everybody else, too. I don’t need the money either.”

“You’re free to do that if you want. I ain’t gonna stop you. Anyway, I came here to speak to Athena. Do you still have her book?”

“I do. Hold on one moment.” She trotted back to her room. I was tempted to follow her and maybe do some dirty things with her, but I didn’t want to keep Taya waiting for too long. Twilight came back out with the book a moment later. “What do you need from her?”

“The mages at the tower want to meet her. Apparently they have two more books like it, one of which they’ve never been able to successfully penetrate. They were hoping she’d be able to get inside it.”

She sighed. “Oh boy… I didn’t know you were going to tell those old sticks-in-the-mud about her.”

“Is that a problem?”

“I suppose they’re harmless enough, but they’re all very… traditional. They don’t like doing anything differently. They also really don’t like being humbled. Their first meeting with Athena might be interesting. I suppose it might be worth it to gain access to their other books, however.”

“Would you be willing to meet with them?” I asked. “They wanted you there because you could speak magic with them.”

“I can do that. It might be the only way to learn more about their other books, too. We aren’t actually giving them Athena’s book, are we?”

“Tch, hell no. I might lend it to them for a little while, but it’ll most definitely stay mine.”

“Good. Then shall we go talk to her?” She set the book on a nearby desk and we both walked over to it.

“Ready when you are, Twiley.”

She opened it with a hoof and the two of us got sucked inside. We were greeted by Jak’s large metal golem. For some reason, it was wearing a tophat. When it saw us, it rumbled.

Athena appeared on its shoulder a moment later. “Welcome back,” she said.

“Hello, Athena,” Twilight respectfully said. “Is that Jak’s construction?”

“It is,” she replied, patting one of its horns. “That minotaur is a very dutiful student.”

“There’s a guild of mages in the real world who want to meet you,” I said. “They have two more pocket dimension books. One is empty. They can’t get into the center of the other one and they have no idea who or what is in it.”

“I have no particular interest in meeting a guild of mages, but I would be most interested in meeting the occupant of another pocket dimension.”

“Would you at least be willing to speak to them?” I asked.

“Yes. But I will not tell them one single thing about magic until they prove themselves in my labyrinth.”

“Fair enough. We’ll be back with guests soon, then.”

“Only three may enter at a time,” she replied.

“Why?” Twilight asked.

“When I encounter external mage groups, I limit my book for protection. From now on, the one who opens the book and the two closest to him or her will be pulled in. If any try to open it while three are inside, they will find themselves unable.”

“What if I’m in it and someone who hasn’t passed the test opens it?” I asked.

“Then they will be tested and you will be unable to leave until they either succeed or fail.”

“Good to know. Shall we, Twilight?”

“Yep.” She opened the book and we ended up right back in the real world. “Well, that was easy enough.”

“I kinda wonder why she doesn’t want to meet any mages.”

“She’s probably met thousands over the years. Most likely wanted to use her. I’d imagine that she’s tired of the attention.”

“Well, whatever. You ready to go talk to some old people?”

“Hm.” She turned to look me up and down. “That’s a really nice dress, Nav. But it would look better on my floor…”

“Probably, yeah. As tempting as it is, I’m gonna have to decline. I left Taya at the mage’s tower. I don’t want to leave her alone for long.”

“Oh. Is she thinking about becoming a student?”

“Looks that way, yeah. I think it would be good for her.”

“I agree,” she replied with a nod. “One of my biggest regrets with her is that I didn’t push for you to put her in school.”

“Same. It’ll be her choice. I do kinda hope she makes it, but that’ll leave me more vulnerable to magic.”

“Then I guess you should spend more time with me!”

“Maybe. Anyway, you ready to go talk to some old people?”

“Give me a moment to put on some warm clothes.” She trotted back to her room. I grabbed the book and tucked it under an arm. Maybe I should start carrying a bag or something. Not having pockets is… OH HELL NO, I AIN’T CARRYING NO FUCKING PURSE! Twilight trotted right back out, wearing a cute parka and a scarf. “Ready when you are, Navi!”

“It would be faster to fly.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to.” I rolled my eyes and we both walked to the door. “And this way, we can keep each other warm!”

“There’s a spell for that.”

“Yep, there is. But I’d rather cuddle up close.”

“If only you were a human, then we could hold hands,” I sarcastically replied.

“Ooh, that does sound nice. We might have to try it someday. Isn’t dating the Element of Magic so convenient?”

“I think you’re letting what I said go to your head a little.” So is everyone else, for that matter.

“After what you said to my mother, we’re as close to official as we’re going to get without actually saying those words. They’ve already invited us to dinner.”

“Oh, wow. Are either of them good cooks?”

“Tch, no. They both think they are, though. Thankfully, it’s a moot point. I told them no, and will continue doing so as long as it takes for them to get the message.”

I rubbed one of the special spots on her neck. “I think it’s cute. I mean, I absolutely don’t want to do it, but it sounds cute.”

“Of course it is. But I don’t want to do it, either. They’d make everything weird and awkward and try to get us to talk about marriage. They might also try to drag Taya there so they can meet her and dote on her. I imagine they’d pretend she was a little foal, too.”

“Alright, now that sounds adorable.”

“Yeah, but not worth the rest of it. They have it in their heads that we’re soulmates now.”

“Well, joke’s on them: I don’t have a soul. We might be clitmates, though.”

“We’ll have to rub them together next time to find out for sure.”

“If we are, can we tell your parents?”

“No.”

“Never let me have any fun…” I muttered.

She smacked me with her tail, but I don’t regret it.

Despite being forced to walk pressed against a warm and fluffy mare, we made pretty good time to the mage’s tower. There weren’t too many people out and about, since it was really cold. Honestly, I think Twilight just wanted us to be seen together, because she pulled me closer every time I tried getting some personal space. It was kinda annoying, but cute enough that I let her.

The guards gave us a token each and cast more resistance spells on us. We entered the tower as quickly as we could to get out of the cold. I was only slightly alarmed by the fact that Taya wasn’t in the entryway anymore.

The secretary was still getting chatted up by the same stallion. It seemed like she was resigned to it now, but was still happy to have us as a distraction. She led us over to the teleporter, dropped the coins in, and sent us on our way.

This time, all seven of the mages were waiting on us. “We’re glad to see you back so quickly, Lady Navarone,” the guy in red said. “And we’re even happier to see that you’ve brought Twilight Sparkle.”

“And a big-ass book,” I said, holding it up.

“It’s good to stand before the council again,” Twilight said. “Hopefully it’ll go better this time.”

“Athena’s agreed to meet with you,” I said. “She told us that only three people can enter the book at a time. And if anyone enters without one of us, you’ll be forced to fight your way in. She would also be extremely interested in speaking with whoever is in the other book you have.”

“Excellent,” the head honcho said. “If you would be so kind as to take two of us in, Twilight can stay here and speak with us at length about what manner of magic this Athena is capable of.”

I walked up to him and set the book on the table separating us. “So who’s going with me?” I asked.

“I believe our two oldest members should have the honor,” he said. He teleported over to my side. One of the mares joined us a moment later. “We are ready whenever you are, Lady Navarone.”

“How does it feel?” the mare nervously asked.

“Like getting grabbed by a bunch of tentacles and dragged in,” I replied. “Let’s do it.”

“Wait—” It was too late; I was already opening the book. The tentacles shot out and grabbed the three of us, then sucked us all in.

We came face to chest with the giant metal minotaur again. The mare had a hoof pressed against her chest and was gulping in air. The guy in red was looking around in wonder. Neither of them noticed Athena suddenly appearing in front of us.

“So you did bring them,” she said. The two mages immediately looked up at her. “You know, I have seen many cultures. Only one of them had powerful mages that were typically very young. All the rest send me their oldest mages. Hm. Welcome back, Navarone.”

The dudebro wearing red stepped forward and bowed. “It is an honor to meet you, Lady Athena.” She stared at the fellow in distaste.

“I didn’t know you were a noble,” I said.

“Such titles are meaningless to me,” she replied. “I require no land or obeisance.”

The guy in red straightened back up. “Ah… right. This realm is very impressive. The other book we were able to safely enter is nothing like it!”

“Each was unique,” she replied. “Was there a sign of a struggle in the other realm?”

“It appeared to be purposefully abandoned,” he said. “There weren’t that many relics or books left and it appeared to still be fairly well organized. We believe that the resident of that book may have moved to another.”

“Perhaps. What of the other book?”

“We’ve sent in three parties since it was found, around seven hundred years ago. None have returned. It was locked in a vault with our most dangerous artifacts.”

Athena’s head tilted and we all appeared under the balcony. The two mages gasped. A chair appeared behind Athena and she sat. “You risk meddling in things that you do not understand,” she said. “Celestia has hidden knowledge of real magic for a very long time. She would not be happy to find that you are speaking to me.”

“...Her destruction of knowledge was not complete,” the mare quietly said. “We knew there was something that we had forgotten, but we did not know what. With your help, we hope we can discover it again.”

“That is quite a thing to say in front of her lover,” Athena said.

“My loyalties are to me, not to Celestia,” I shot back. “As it so happens, I’m of the opinion that she needs to get knocked down a peg or two. Or five. Or thirty. I’m all for true magic returning to the world.”

“We’ll do whatever it takes,” the old stallion said. “Will you teach us?”

“I will be happy to speak to you at any time, should you return with Navarone, Twilight, or Jak,” she said. “But if you want to learn from me, you must pass my test. To become my students, you must prove that you are capable of surviving my labyrinth. If you seek to know the power that I offer, ask Navarone. She has seen some of it firsthand and has a true magic primer.”

Their eyes slowly turned to me. I shrugged. They looked back at her. “Can you give us more details about this labyrinth?” the mare asked.

“Yes.”

They waited a few more seconds before the mare gently cleared her throat. “Will you?”

“No.”

They looked back at me. I shrugged again. They sighed and returned their gazes to the main attraction. “So what will you tell us?”

“I would be willing to tell you quite a lot,” she said. “However, you would find most of it worthless. When you have completed my test, I will be happy to answer your questions about magic. Until then, you are of no use to me.”

“I’ll give you a freebie,” I said. “You remember that huge metal statue we saw when we first got in? That was made by a minotaur smith who she taught runes. The golem is fully functional and has all kinds of neat abilities. He’s working on another one now.”

“...Would he be interested in joining us at the tower?” the red one asked. I can’t believe these guys didn’t actually tell me their names. Talk about rude.

“I doubt it,” I said. “But he might not mind if you joined him at my house. All things told, you’d probably be better off fighting your way through the labyrinth and learning everything for yourself.”

“It has been some time since I have had disciples,” Athena said, scratching at her chin with the freaky hand brace thing. “Navarone and Twilight Sparkle have not been overly interested in being my hands in the real world. With some assistance, I could stretch my power once more. We could accomplish truly great things together, if you prove yourself capable learners.”

“With your knowledge, we could expand our own power,” the guy in red said. “Our spells are extremely limited. We believe what you teach us could open doors that were long thought permanently sealed.”

“Perhaps. Such alliances tend to be mutually beneficial for a time. It will make Discord take note of you, however. And those he takes note of tend to die very horrible deaths. Well, if they’re lucky.”

“The pursuit of knowledge is always risky,” he replied. “Magic is inherently dangerous. And given what happened the last time he was free, we would not escape his attention anyway.”

“As you wish.” Her eyes narrowed very slightly and the three of us were deposited back in front of the book. Her voice echoed in our heads, saying, “Do not return again until you have decided to take up my challenge or until you have the other book.”

“That’s our cue to leave,” I said, opening the book. It kicked us back out into the other room. “Like I said, ornery and unhelpful.”

They both ignored me and teleported back to their places. “This may be the most important magical find in all pony history,” the leader said, his voice full of wonder. “A living human mage who’s willing to teach us! Her power is incredible!”

“She said she would teach us?” one of the others asked.

“If we can pass her labyrinth,” the leader said. “It should be fairly simple. I will pick two of you to accompany me and we will begin preparing immediately!”

“Probably a bad idea,” I quickly interjected. They all turned glares on me. “Half the shit we ran into was immune to magic. If you go in without someone who’s capable of swinging a sword, you’re gonna get your shit kicked in. I mean, if y’all wanna die that much, that’s completely up to you. But you better let Athena talk to the dude in the other book first.”

“I’m sure that the two of you had many difficulties inside her dungeon,” he said, his tone taking several turns toward condescension. “You were, after all, unarmed and with a half-trained, impetuous unicorn.” Twilight grunted. “We are all master mages and we will be going in prepared.”

“Hey man, you do you,” I said with a shrug. “As long as you do you after you bring us that other book.”

His horn lit up and a pure white book appeared on the table next to Athena’s. That book was about twice the size of Athena’s. “This is the other book,” he said. “Go and tell her that she may speak to the other one.”

I looked over at Twilight. “Coming?”

“Happily,” she said, stepping up next to me. I opened the book with her at my side and we got got sucked in. “Ugh, those insufferable… bastards!”

“Do you even know what that word means?” I asked.

“No! But I’m angry and it probably works!”

I tousled her hair. “You’re so cute.” That put a blush on her face, but it didn’t make her smile. “Anyway, Athena, you around?”

“Always,” she whispered from right behind us. We both turned and looked to find that she was sitting on the book leading out. “I feel another book of power nearby.”

“Yep, it’s sitting right next to the table.”

“Excellent.” She looked down at Twilight. “Make our books face each other, then open them.” She slid off the book and grabbed my shoulder. “You will join me.”

“...Um. Do you know this person?”

“I have no idea who it is. I do hope he or she is friendly.” She yanked me back with a strangely powerful grip and looked at Twilight again. “Are you still here?”

“Why does Nav get to stay?” she asked.

“Because I want to show her off. The first human in eons and I saw her first!”

“Even if Discord made me?” I asked.

“Details,” Athena said, waving a hand. “Leave us, purple one.”

Twilight seemed very uncertain and looked at me for direction. All I could do was shrug. She sighed and opened the book, sending her back.

“So who are you expecting?” I asked.

“Most of the gods that you know of were the same entities across various cultures. There were generally gods of war, love, knowledge, power, death, crafting, nature, and more. I built a few books of this type for some of my fellows, but it’s possible that other cultures had the same idea. It’s probable that it will be somebody that I know, but it’s possible that it won’t. Isn’t it exciting?”

“...What if they’re hostile?”

“That’s the exciting part!”

Before I could call her a fucking idiot, the world twisted and something from the sky grabbed both of us.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Five

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Five

The first thing I noticed about the place we found ourselves was that it was half dark and half bright. All the walls, the ceiling, and the floor were made of strange things. The dark half seemed to be comprised of writhing tentacles. The other side was made up of… light. It was so bright that it hurt my eyes and I could barely see the person standing before us.

“A… Athena?” a feminine voice whispered. “Is that you?”

One of Athena’s bony hands covered my eyes for a moment. When it pulled away, I could see again. Before us was a woman who looked about my age. She was wearing a dress made out of what appeared to be peacock feathers. Her hair was a perfect golden blonde. Her face was covered by a mostly see-through veil held up by a diadem. I could barely see her features under it, but from what little I could tell, she was very beautiful. She also appeared frightened.

“It is indeed, Hera,” Athena said.

Hera jumped forward and hugged the poor old woman. Given that Athena was rickety and ancient, she would have fallen if I hadn’t gotten behind her to steady her. Our guest started sobbing and her grip tightened so much that Athena hissed. Since that was apparently too much affection for her, something seemed to switch and I found myself standing where Athena had been, wrapped in a hug. That hug showed me that Hera was pretty well endowed. A part of me wanted to see what she looked like under the dress. The rest of me really wanted her to stop hugging me.

Athena stepped back into view and placed a hand on Hera’s shoulder. “What is the matter, dear friend?” she quietly asked.

It was probably too quiet, because Hera was still sobbing and clutching at me. A moment later, her legs gave out and I had to wrap my arms around her to keep us both from falling. “I don’t think we’re gonna get anything out of her like this,” I said. “I mean, she looks fine.” More than fine, actually. I wonder how Athena ended up all old and ugly, but this chick still looks like she’s in her prime.

“We all bear scars,” Athena said. “Not all of them can be seen. How often do you wake up in cold sweats, dreaming of things you have done?”

“That is a very fair point.”

I guess she was tired of being a shitty friend, because she came up behind Hera and hugged her. Together, we made a goddess sandwich.

It took her a few minutes to calm down. They were a very uncomfortable few minutes and my arms were starting to get tired from holding her up. When she finally stopped crying, she took a long, shuddering breath while still huddled in my chest. “Oh, Athena… I’ve been alone for so long…”

“Was your husband not with you?” Athena asked.

“He left me,” Hera whispered.

“What an asshole,” I said.

Hera gasped and finally pulled back to look at me. When she saw me, she gasped again and let go. Athena and I both took a few steps back. “You are…” Her eyes went wide behind the veil and she began backing up. “You look just like…”

Athena placed a hand on her shoulder again. “This is Navarone,” she said. “She discovered my book and passed my test.”

Hera’s eyes slowly looked me up and down, noticing all the features that were most definitely off. Finally, they settled on my eyes and she seemed to relax. “Forgive me, and… pardon my manners. I thought for a moment that you were someone else.”

“Who?” I asked. “Did you know Anonymous? Or Jane?”

“I thought you were Eris.” I stared at her in silence. “You don’t know who she is? That’s wonderful news! Is she dead, Athena?”

“She is, but Discord remains,” Athena quietly replied. “Navarone probably knows him better than any living mortal, much to her chagrin.”

“I’m gonna put that motherfucker six feet under ground,” I said, smacking a fist into an open palm. “It’s a long time coming!”

“...I see. Again, forgive my rudeness. My name is Hera. It is a pleasure to meet you… Navarone. Truth be told, it’s a pleasure to meet anybody…”

“You said you’ve been alone,” Athena said. “When did Zeus leave you? Where did he go?”

“It feels like an eternity ago,” she sighed, her head hanging low. Something about her seemed to be pulling me in and making me want to hug her again. I did my best to resist the urge. “I don’t truly know when. Time flows so strangely in these cursed books. And I don’t know where he went. My love was never enough for him… And nothing I did could ever convince him otherwise.”

“Three groups of ponies went into your book,” I said. “Do you know what happened to them?”

“I’m afraid not,” she replied. “Were they friends of yours?”

“Nope. I’m sure plenty of others have also entered it, though. You’ve been completely alone ever since Zeus left?”

“Yes. I would have loved having company, but… he was the only one who knew how to control the book and its defenses. Before he left, he made it nearly impenetrable and he made escape impossible. He told me that he’d be back one day, but that was… eons ago…”

“Like I said, what an asshole,” I reiterated.

Hera seemed to blanch a little. Athena sighed and said, “Zeus has always been… flighty with his lovers. It was not Hera’s desire to get married to him.”

“He stole my honor and it… became my only option.”

“Shoulda cut his dick off.” Her delicate hands grasped at her dress and it looked like her cheeks turned fiery red. Athena glared at me. “You know what, I’m just gonna stop talking.”

Athena’s eyes moved back to Hera and they became softer. “What have you been doing in your time alone?”

“...Reading. Remembering. Thinking. Pining. I discovered how all of the constructs in my book work, but I still cannot control any of them.”

“Zeus was always a novice at runes. I imagine discovering how they worked was fairly simple.”

“Those that are constructed of runes, yes. There are several that are not. But I do not wish to think of my time alone, Athena. It… horrifies me.”

“I understand, my friend. If you would like, I can modify the defenses. It would give visitors more of a chance to reach you.”

Hera’s eyes went wide. “No! If Discord came for me, I would be helpless! And if any barbarians made it to me, I would be at their complete mercy!”

“You don’t have magic?” I asked, forgetting that I had promised not to talk.

“Not all of us are capable of fighting or killing,” Athena said. “Hera’s strengths… lie elsewhere.”

“If you leave the books, will you also turn to dust?” I asked. “I know Athena said she would, but you look… a lot more lively.” Less like a mummy, at least.

“I don’t know if the magic that maintained me once upon a time would maintain me still,” she softly replied. “Leaving would risk instant death.”

“Navarone has many friends and could visit often,” Athena said. “If I reduced the defenses in your world to grant her easy access, I could increase them again after she completed Zeus’s test. Then she could visit and bring others with her.”

“I… don’t know,” Hera said, clutching at her dress again.

“Why don’t you just move in with Athena?” I asked.

Athena flinched and her hand dropped off Hera’s shoulder. “Absolutely—”

“PERFECT!” Hera shouted. Her entire body seemed to light up. “That would be wonderful! We could keep each other company for eternity!”

“Boom, problem solved! Now let’s get out of this creepy fucking place.”

“I have lived alone for a very long time,” Athena said.

“Me too,” Hera replied. “It’s been completely dreadful. It’ll be so nice to have somebody living with me again! Shall we away to my new home?”

Athena really didn’t look too enthusiastic about her new roommate. “Is there nothing you need from your book?” she asked. It sounded like she was trying a little too hard to keep her voice polite.

“No. Everything there would be painful to have around.”

“You’re gonna wear that one dress for all eternity?” I asked.

The peacock feathers quivered for a moment and then they shifted. My eyebrows lifted as they slowly unwrapped from her body, becoming two large peacock wings. Under that was a simple white dress that she happened to fill in very nicely. “What’s wrong with this dress?” she asked.

“I… did not realize you had wings,” I replied. Now that I got a good look at them, I realized that they were placed on her lower back and were a lot more flexible than mine. That’s presumably how she was able to wrap them around her body so well.

“Of course I have wings, silly! Did you think I was just wearing feathers?”

“I’ve seen weirder things. But the point is, don’t you ever need to do laundry or something? Like, I know you’re basically a god or whatever, but do you really wanna wear the same dress all the time?”

“I see no reason not to,” she replied.

I slowly looked over at Athena. “Our clothing is enchanted,” she said. “It never needs to be washed. And even if it did, we could use magic to do so. We also use magic to clean ourselves.”

“Alright, that makes a lot more sense. Let’s blow this joint, then.” That made the two goddesses look at each other in confusion. “I mean let’s go. This place is creepy.”

Athena cleared her throat. “I believe—” Hera snapped and the world twisted again. The light began receding and the weird tentacles all three of us were standing on pulled back. Everything seemed to grow very small until they suddenly normalized and all three of us were standing back in Athena’s book. “...Never mind. Welcome to my home.”

“Our home,” Hera warmly said, looking around in wonder. “It’s so…”

“Dusty?” I asked.

“Full of knowledge?” Athena asked.

“Spooky?”

“Comfortable?”

“...Disorganized,” Hera finally finished. Before Athena could rebuke her, the book on the pedestal opened and we were joined by everyone’s favorite book horse, who was currently facing the other way. Before she could orient herself, Hera jumped to my side to huddle against me. I have no clue why she picked me instead of Athena. Maybe she realized I was slightly sturdier.

“Over here, Twilight,” I said.

She spun around with a smile on her face. “That was so—Oh, the book was occupied! And it’s another human!” She finally started walking closer.

“Twilight, this is Hera,” I said. “Hera, this is Twilight Sparkle. She’s a unicorn.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Hera,” Twilight said. “You don’t have to be afraid.”

Hera finally backed away a little, but locked one of her arms around mine. “Greetings… Twilight. It’s been a very long time since I last saw a unicorn, and I’ve never seen one that could talk. Or one that was quite so tiny.”

“Yeah, she’s adorable,” I said. Hera’s grip around my arm tightened. “You’ll also see a minotaur from time to time.” She gasped and held me even tighter. “A very friendly minotaur. He’s Athena’s student.”

“...I didn’t know there were any friendly minotaurs,” she quietly said.

“There are all kinds of friendly species in the world today,” Twilight said with a grin. “If you’d like, I can tell you all about some of them! But Nav knows more than me about a few.”

“It seems that I have some catching up to do,” Hera said. “Things have changed in my elongated time away from the world.”

“Humans are extinct now,” Athena said, making Hera gasp again. “Discord finally succeeded. As far as I know, we are all that is left, save Arachne.”

“Yeah, shit sucks hella hard,” I said. “That’s why I wanna put that fucker down.”

“...If humans are extinct, from where do you hail?” Hera asked me. “Were you also in a book?”

“Discord created me, unfortunately,” I said. I’m honestly surprised that she didn’t immediately push me away. “I’m working on freeing myself from him.”

“You poor soul,” she whispered, gently brushing my hair.

“Well, hell, nobody asks to be born,” I said. “Way I figure, I am what I am, until I’m not anymore. I just have to make it long enough to find a way to free myself. Once I do, things’ll be fine.”

“You’re almost there, Nav,” Twilight said. “I’m sure Grogar can find a way to give you a soul!”

“Why not appeal to Thanatos?” Hera asked.

“That’s not one I recognize,” I replied.

“That would be Death,” Athena said. “You’ve already met him.”

“Not many mortals meet Thanatos and live, Nava… Nav. That’s very impressive.”

“The dude drugged me and made me see all kinds of horrific shit,” I replied. “I also told a lot of prophecies, apparently.”

“Very impressive indeed… Well, one of his many abilities allows him to grant a soul to something without one.”

“The dude told me to use the soul of a dead woman I have attached to myself,” I said. “He didn’t mention anything about me getting a soul of my own.”

“Well, Thanatos never did anything for free,” she said with a small grin. “Most mortals never found his deals worthwhile. But one who finds herself trapped between Discord and Thanatos might very well prefer an unpleasant deal.”

“That’s all well and good, but I have no idea how to contact him again.”

“You could ask Zecora,” Twilight said. “She’s grown in power quite a lot over this trip and, if what she says is true, she’s been granted a new power over the dead. It might not be a bad idea to consider it. I’m sure it would be a much better alternative than forcing an unwilling soul into your body.”

“Hey, if that bitch was unwilling, she shouldn’t have tried hitching a ride in my body to begin with. Not while I was still using it.”

“I think you were actually… technically a little bit dead,” Twilight said. “Maybe she thought you were done using it.”

“I don’t give a fuck what she thought. You don’t take over another man’s house just because he steps outside of it for a moment, do you? There’s gotta be some kind of five second rule or something.” Twilight rolled her eyes and Hera actually giggled. “Not like it would have mattered anyway. I was stuck in there until you guys pulled me out, so she would have been shit outta luck anyway.”

“A slightly dead body is better than no body,” Athena said. “Especially given the horrors she likely witnessed before perishing.”

“That sounds like her problem,” I said, waving the arm that wasn’t being held. “But we’ve gotten super off subject. I’ll talk to Zecora next time I see her about contacting Death. On the off chance she doesn’t tell me to go fuck myself, I’ll ask if he can help a sista out. Now, what are those mage assholes doing out there?”

“The head of destruction has picked his two companions,” Twilight said. “They’re preparing now. They’re asking permission to hold onto the book indefinitely.”

“Denied,” I immediately said. “If they want to use Athena’s book, they can ask permission from the people she’s entrusted it to immediately before each use. If they don’t like that, I’m sure Athena can give us a very nasty surprise for them.”

“Indeed I can,” she said. “I can dig up a few very nasty enchanted staves that even you could use. Oooh, I bet I could find the one that would turn them into newts!”

“And one of the conditions of letting them use the book at all is that we get priority access to it,” I said. “You, me, and Jak. All them uppity pieces of shit can suck my clit if they think they’re gonna monopolize this book.”

“You’re very vulgar,” Hera said. For some reason, her tone almost seemed… pleased.

“You get used to it,” Twilight sighed. I flipped her off. “Thankfully, she still hasn’t explained what that one means.”

“It’s quite alright,” Hera said. “It reminds me of… somebody else.” Her arm finally slid away from mine and she stepped in front of me to place her hands on my shoulders. Honestly, it kinda surprised me that we were about the same height. “I think you and I are going to become very close.”

With her standing so close, I could finally see the color of her eyes through the veil. They were pure gold. I felt myself getting drawn into them, like they were actually pulling me in.

The feeling of Athena’s bony arm around my shoulder snapped me out of it. “It is not very easy to become close to Navarone,” she said. “Do not count your snakes before they hatch, dear Hera.”

One of Hera’s hands moved to my cheek and she grinned ever-so-sweetly. “Perhaps, dear Athena. Perhaps. But it’s been quite some time since I’ve had a mortal I could call friend. I’m sure she would be pleased to help me rectify that.”

“Your eyes are very mesmerizing,” I said, crossing my arms. “I can’t help but wonder if it’s their beauty or if it’s part of who you are.”

She giggled again. “A goddess must have some mysteries, silly.” The hand that was on my cheek poked me on the nose. With that, she finally pulled away and began walking off. She seemed to move so evenly that it was like she was gliding. “We simply must do something about this decor, Athena! It’s so dull and dreary!”

Athena took her place and pulled me in close to whisper, “You do not want to be her friend. Now leave. I will try to salvage this mess you have made.”

Before I could ask what she meant, Twilight and I found ourselves standing in front of the book again. “Are all humans like this?” she asked.

“Sometimes I wonder,” I sighed as I opened the book.

We appeared back in the room. Three of the old ponies were gone, including the guy in red. Hera’s book was sitting where it had been left. I knew there was still a treasure trove of information and artifacts inside, so I resolved to ask Athena to make it passable later, then loot it before the mages could get the chance.

“What did you learn?” one of them asked. “Was there somebody in the other book?”

“There was,” I replied. “Another lonely old woman looking for a friend. You’ll be able to meet her should your friends succeed.”

“When they succeed,” one of them said with a smile.

“If,” I said, placing my hand on Athena’s book. “Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll bring the book back when I have time.”

They all leaned forward. “I’m… sorry?” the oldest looking one asked.

“Did I not speak up loud enough?” I asked. “I said I’m taking my book back. Let me know when you’re ready to go in.”

“I believe we were all under the impression that you were to leave the book here, where it can properly be protected.”

“Well, I’m sorry that you got the wrong impression.” I picked the book back up. “You can send us back now.”

“There are many of us who believe that you should remain here for study as well, you know.”

“Do they, now?” I asked.

“The last known human still walking around. After what we know of the others from the time traveling test, you’re quite interesting. I believe we could learn quite a lot from each other.”

“Is that so?” I asked. They all nodded, smiling. I looked down at Twilight. “And what do you think, Twiley?”

“I think you’re my little project.”

“Well well. Looks like you fellows got some competition. I’ll go ahead and give you my final answer.” I stepped up as close to the desk as I could to the one who spoke and leaned over it. “I ain’t your fucking guinea pig. And this book is mine. You ever want access to it, you get it on my terms. It stays with me when I travel. If I ever need it and you have it, you will give it back, no questions asked. Same goes for Twilight and the minotaur named Jak. And this book is a privilege. If Athena asks that I cut you off, you get cut off. If you annoy me too much, you get cut off. Do we have an understanding?”

Their smiles disappeared very shortly after I started talking. The one I was closest to was glaring, in fact. “The others will not like this.”

“That sounds like a you problem, buddy. That’s the deal. Take it or don’t. Either way, send us back.”

His eyes slowly moved around the table. I didn’t take my eyes off him, so I don’t know what the others were doing. He finally sighed and hung his head. “We have an accord.” With that, he placed his hoof on the desk. I guess the others did as well, because the world shifted again and Twilight and I were back in the lobby. Athena’s book was still in my hands.

Before I could even nod my head, Twilight grabbed me with magic and forced me down to her level for a kiss. She really got into it, shoving her tongue into my mouth and holding me in place with magic until I stopped trying to pull away. When she finally had enough, she pulled me into a hug and whispered, “I am so hot for you right now I’m practically dripping.”

I whispered back, “Slut.” She used magic to swat my ass before pulling back with a filthy grin. Thankfully, she also let me go so I could stand up straight again.

As much as I wanted to get her back to the castle and ravish her, finding Taya was a little more important. Thankfully, finding Taya was also extremely easy: She was standing right next to us and beaming like mad. Twilight’s eyes followed my gaze and a massive blush covered her adorable face. I guess she wasn’t too keen on kissing in front of my daughter.

“I was wondering where you had gotten off to,” I said, reaching down to poke Taya’s nose. “Ready to head back?”

“Right after you sign this!” she replied, using magic to summon a clipboard and a pen. I took them both and quickly skimmed over the paper. It was an admission slip. I signed it and handed the clipboard back, but tried to slip the pen into a pocket. Then I remembered I didn’t have any pockets and handed that back as well. Instead of taking either of them, Taya jumped forward to hug me.

I didn’t have a chance to hug her back before she pulled away, finally pulled them out of my hands with magic, and trotted over to the front desk lady. Twilight and I followed, because we wanted to make Taya feel like one of the cool kids.

The front desk chick apparently wasn’t paying us much mind, but thankfully looked up at the sound of a filly loudly trotting over. She smiled at the sight of us. “It’s not every day we find fillies of her aptitude. The instructors are going to be happy to have her.”

“Wait until they see what she does to the lawn,” I said. “She tore the backyard of my old house to pieces.” It’s surprisingly easy to keep a lawn in shape when your daughter just destroys the entire thing. “They’re going to have their hands full.”

“We see all types, here,” she said. “If I can manage a giant tentacle monster from a dimension I can’t even pronounce, I think I can handle a cute little filly.”

“That’s how she gets you,” Twilight said. “She lulls you in with her cuteness, then snaps while you’re distracted.”

“Just like mommy taught me!” Taya said with a huge grin.

“I’ll be sure to warn the instructors,” the front desk lady warmly replied. “I’ll get all the paperwork handled from here. Taya’s aptitude tests will be tomorrow morning at ten. There’s no need to prepare. The tests will cover the basics of all seven magical schools. Each will take approximately one hour. All materials she needs will be provided. After her tests, she’ll be judged by the instructors. If she’s found lacking in any of the seven schools, she’ll be placed in the beginning course for that particular school. Aside from that, she’ll be allowed to choose her studies as she likes. Any tuition fees will need to be paid the day after she decides what courses she would like to enroll in.”

“Do you guys have some kind of ‘tab’ thing?” I asked.

“...What do you mean?” she asked.

“Can I just drop two hundred bits off and let her learn whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about it again?”

“Oh. Um. I’ll have to ask, but I believe that might be an option. It’s not too often that we have noble fillies, but I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.”

“Most nobles go to Celestia’s private schools,” Twilight said. “I’m honestly surprised she didn’t try to snap Taya up herself.”

“She did try,” Taya said.

“She fucking what?” I said, taking a step closer.

“She spoke to me when you were a dragon and asked if I wanted to be her pupil. I told her no.”

The secretary’s eyebrows lifted. “Not many fillies would say no to that!”

I sighed and massaged the bridge of my nose. “I didn’t want to get angry today, but I guess this is what we’re doing. Twilight, would you kindly teleport us to Celestia? You’re about to see me get mad.”

She grinned. “This is such a bad idea, but I love it.” Her horn lit up and all three of us teleported into a meeting between Moonbeam and Celestia. Before either of them could speak up, I slapped Celestia across the face, then shoved my finger under her chin.

“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILD!”

“Wh—”

I backhanded her, that time. My finger went right back to her face. “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! If you ever, ever get near my daughter again without my permission, I will flay you alive.”

“I was offering to teach her!”

“Bitch I ain’t dumb! And neither is she!”

“That’s why I was—”

“Save it,” I hissed. “I know what you are. A lying tyrant. A fucking devil woman. You’re no better than those things you toss into Tartarus. I won’t let you anywhere near my child!”

She sighed and grabbed me with magic, then forced me onto a couch. “I will admit that I shouldn’t have approached her without consulting you first, but—” I started to cut her off, but something wedged itself into my mouth. “But she’s very powerful and needs proper guidance. I know that my student is very capable of handling her, but I thought that I would offer my services as well.”

Moonbeam rolled her eyes. “Quit the act, Celestia. We all know better.”

“How I handle my subjects—”

“Nav is one of your subjects? Since when?”

“Since my sister made her a knight. But I was referring to Taya, who—”

“Came from Egypt,” Twilight said. “She isn’t from Equestria.”

“...Perhaps not originally, but I’m sure—”

An uncomfortably familiar male voice said, “Lies, lies, lies… They do all add up, don’t they?” The magic holding me down vanished, along with my ability to move. Discord’s fucked up mismatched hands appeared in the air above us before sliding away from each other. As they moved away, his body filled in until there he was, in all his unholy glory.

“God you are ugly,” I said, shaking my head.

He flinched back. “Wow.”

“Look, I’m sorry dude, but we were all thinking it. You’re ugly as fuck. If you can make yourself look like anything, why the hell would you pick that?”

“That really hurts,” he sighed, shaking his head. “But I’m happy that you were able to truthfully air it. Does anypony else have anything they’d like to share?” he asked, staring directly into Celestia’s soul.

Taya answered that with a blast of lightning. Twilight jumped toward her and teleported the both of them out, thankfully. I kinda wish she had thought to grab me as well, but I honestly wasn’t surprised that she didn’t.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Celestia coldly replied.

“You’re so rude,” Discord said, elongating one of his arms to pat her on the cheek. She stared at it in disgust and shivered when it touched her. “I feel like there’s quite a few things you would be happy to say to me.” He snapped and was suddenly dressed like a psychiatrist, complete with a clipboard. “Why don’t we have a nice, long talk, hm?”

Her horn lit up. He reached down and snubbed the light out with his talons. She finally tried bolting for the door. He actually let her run, surprisingly enough. The three of us listened to her galloping down the halls for a moment.

“What a cunt,” I said.

“I tried to raise her right,” Discord sighed, shaking his head. “Really, I did, but there’s only so much you can do with poor stock.”

“Should have beaten her more,” I said. “Maybe smack her around a little.”

“I think she could have used a little bit more love,” he said. “I’m afraid most of the love around her got sucked away…”

“Well, that tends to happen when you turn half of her species into emotion-stealing fae,” I said. “Especially her beloved teacher, the last friend she had in the awful world you created for her.”

“I suppose so,” he said with a shrug. “And what about you, Navarone? Do you have something else you would like to say?”

“I mean, like, you know the only reason I’m being semi-civil with you is because I know there’s nothing I can do to you, right? If I had my way, I’d legit just be a dick to you all the time.”

He smirked, then leaned down to boop my nose. “The fact that you believe you cannot do anything to me is precisely why you cannot do anything to me.”

“Fine. I order you to go fuck yourself with a cactus.”

“Not quite there yet, I don’t think,” he said with a shrug. Finally, he looked out the door Celestia left open. “Ooh, do you think I should chase her? That seems like a great bonding activity!”

“I’d prefer that you didn’t,” I said. “But I mean, if that’s what you want, go for it. That said, I’d also prefer you didn’t hurt her until after she helps us find a way to kill you.”

“Then I’ll be extra careful!” he said with a smile. He snapped again and all the psychiatrist bullshit was replaced with standard safety gear. That included a helmet, fingerless gloves, knee pads, shoulder pads, and oddly enough, another helmet on his tail. Once he was set, he slid out the door after her. When he was gone, my body flooded with energy again.

Moonbeam jumped across the room to hug me. “Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You?”

“Peachy,” she sighed, cuddling me close. “That thing is horrifying, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it really kinda is.”

She giggled. “I can’t believe you called him ugly.”

“It needed to be said. I know we were all thinking it.”

“I also can’t believe you slapped Celestia. Twice!”

“I was angry. She was trying to manipulate my daughter.”

“After what she did, that’s certainly understandable. Though I must admit, I never expected to see you jump into mamabear mode. We might just make a proper mother out of you yet.”

“I really don’t like kids.”

“You just slapped the most powerful mare in the world across the face because she got near your child, and threatened to flay her alive if she did it again.”

“Well, I don’t have to like Taya to love her. She’s a little bitch. But she’s my little bitch.”

“Never mind, you’re an absolutely awful mother. It kinda suits you, though.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Say, would you like to meet a super old human mage? She might be able to undo what Discord did to you.”

“Would that be Athena?” she asked.

I was still holding onto the book, so I finally pulled it forward. “Yep, she lives in here. And she just recently got a new roommate, too.”

“I’m afraid I must put that meeting off for now. If Discord is still chasing Celestia around the castle, I’ll need to do what I can to make sure none of her cowardly ponies panic.”

“Have fun.” She sighed and kissed me before trotting out. “Man, where the fuck even am I?” I didn’t recognize the sitting room. Given that the palace had hundreds of them, that wasn’t too surprising. I thought about glancing over the paperwork Celestia had been working on, but I really couldn’t be bothered. I just hefted Athena’s book and went looking for Twilight’s room. Thankfully, I didn’t run into any panicking cowardly ponies.

When I got to Twilight’s room, I discovered that her door was open. As soon as I stepped inside, I had two warm mares hugging up on me. “I tried taking you with me, but the spell malfunctioned. Thank Celestia you’re safe!” Twilight said.

“Don’t thank that hoe,” I said. “Her bitch-ass fucking dipped, leaving me and Moonie alone against that thing.”

“...Celestia ran?” Twilight asked, pulling back.

“Fuck yeah she ran. Given that Discord decided to chase her, I bet that pussy’s still fucking running.”

“He’s chasing her?!”

“Yeah. That’s none of my business, though. Hell, not like any of us could do anything to stop him.” She hung her head, ears drooping at the reminder.

“You slapped her in the face!” Taya excitedly said. “Twice!”

“Yep.”

Twilight looked up again, blinking. “That’s right! You… you slapped Celestia!”

“Twice. You were there.”

“I was, but… I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. Oh, the look on her face… I wish I had a camera, I really do.”

“Yeah, I kinda wish I just carried one around at times.” Oh, how I pine for the days when my clothes actually had pockets...

“You do realize she could have you imprisoned for life for assaulting a member of royalty, right?” Twilight asked.

“If she wanted to imprison me for life, she wouldn’t need a reason. She could just do it. As it is, she wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh, I know. That just makes it all the sweeter.”

“Yeah, the hate sex we used to have was incredible. I don’t think she’s interested anymore, though. I think I’ve pissed her off too much.”

“Good,” Taya sighed, snuggling against me tighter. “That means you have more time for me and Twilight!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Twilight, do you have a bag or something I can keep this book in? It’s really fucking heavy.”

“I have several, actually.” She took it from me with magic and started rummaging around the large room. “I’m sure if you asked Rarity, she would be happy to make you one that matched any outfit you want.”

“Yeah, she’s a trooper,” I sarcastically replied. “I don’t plan on carrying this thing with me all the time, though.”

“It would be a great way for you to carry around other things you might need,” Twilight said. “Like a camera!”

“Or I could just wear more clothes with pockets. I’m getting sick of this bullshit girly crap. Pretending to like it is getting really old.”

“...Are you really sure about that, Nav?” Twilight asked, ceasing her search to look up at me. “It seems like you’re happy now. Maybe you’re just feeling really conflicted about what Flo may have done to your head. Perhaps you should stay the course until you enter the magical coma.”

“I’ll consider it while in Canterlot, but if I’m ever out of it or in disguise, the act is dropped.”

“...Well, if you want to leave in disguise, we can arrange that. I can turn you into a pony and Taya can turn you back when you get home.”

“Could you do a changeling?”

“I’m… ninety or so percent sure I can.”

“Ninety or so’s good enough for me,” I said with a shrug.

“On one condition, that is,” she said with a smile.

Oh boy, here we go. “And what condition is that?” I sighed.

“The three of us have a little date night tonight.”

“Um.”

“She accepts!” Taya immediately said. I opened my mouth to retort, but she used magic to close it. “See? No objections. Do it, Twilight!”

Twilight’s horn lit up and a purple aura covered Taya’s horn. The magic around my mouth disappeared. “It’s up to you, Navi.”

“That’s not much notice for a date night, Twiley.”

“Oh? Did you have other plans tonight?”

“Well I mean… no, but—”

“But yes or no, Navi?” she said, taking a step closer.

“Yes, but I can leave if it gets too bad. You two start getting too overbearing, I’m out faster than Celestia was.”

“Deal,” Twilight said with a smirk. She stepped in closer and used magic to force me down to kiss her. After a few seconds, her horn lit up and my body started to transform. Since I was turning into a changeling, I just envisioned myself as I was supposed to be so my clothes weren’t destroyed.

Surprisingly enough, it actually worked. When Twilight’s horn finally dimmed, she stepped back with a frown. “Did it not work?” she asked, looking positively orange.

“It worked just fine,” I replied. To prove it, I turned my hand into a lewd looking tentacle. She blushed and her aura turned bright red. “I just didn’t want to destroy my clothes.”

“Well, get on out of them,” Twilight said, grinning again.

I shrugged and turned into a snake. It took me a second to figure out how to move, but once I did, I slithered out of the clothing and started inching up Twilight’s leg. Her aura started changing all kinds of colors. When I finally got about eye level with her, I slicked my tongue out and smacked her in the nose with it. She flinched back, so I turned into a changeling right in her face. “Boo.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”

Your words say no, but your aura is still bright pink. “Yeah, but you love it.”

She snorted. “...Well, I might, a little.”

“Hah, knew it. So where we going, Twiley?”

“Since you decided to be an icky changeling instead of a pretty pony, we can’t really go out for dinner. Well, unless you just pretend to eat…”

“You asked me out on a date and you didn’t even know where you want to go? Come on, Twiley.”

“It was a split-second decision, give me a break.”

“What about the Loveboat?” Taya asked with a grin.

“No,” Twilight and I both said at the same time. Taya sighed and rolled her eyes.

“How about donuts?” Twilight asked. “If you don’t feel like eating any, we can just say you’re watching your figure.”

“Fuck it, sure,” I said. “Shall we?”

“Show me your disguise, first,” she said. “I want to make sure I approve.”

It took me a moment to think of a body I could use. One finally clicked and I turned into Blackberry, Kat’s insane nurse during the Flankfurt festival. She was super cute and had probably never been to Canterlot.

“I… definitely don’t recognize you,” Twilight said. “Though that’s not to say I don’t approve.”

“Good. And count yourself lucky that I’m not gonna act like her, too. This bitch was completely dense and more hyper than Pinkie.”

“I bet you just can’t do it,” Twilight mockingly said.

“Yeah, you’re right. I can’t force myself to stoop that low. I still have some self-respect left.”

“For now,” Taya said, snuggling up against me. “Oooh, you’re so soft!”

“One of the perks of being a changeling,” I said, fluffing out my poofy hair. “I can make whatever modifications I want.”

“I like the voice, too,” Twilight said. “Now, shall we?”

“As soon as you find a bag for the book and my clothes, sure.”

“Oh… right.” She continued rummaging around for one that Athena’s book would actually fit into. Since she’s a complete nerd and had several book bags, it didn’t take her too long to find one. She placed Athena’s book into it and then teleported them and my clothes away. “That should put all of it on your bed,” she said.

“Neat. Let’s go. Hopefully you’re buying, because I left all my bits at home.”

“Well, you paid for the last date. I guess that does make it my turn.”

I guess one good thing about being a lesbian is that I only have to pay for half the dates. “Then lead the way.”

I didn’t let her actually walk in front of us, of course. That wouldn’t have been nearly as cute. Instead, I walked pressed up against her side. Taya walked pretty close to me, but not quite touching me. For whatever reason, all of us were smiling. We also generated smiles from several of the people we passed, which was marginally better than being stared at in wonder or fear.

The donut place she picked wasn’t too far from the palace. It was one I had passed a few times, but never actually entered. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia made several orders from the place in secret, but I didn’t air my suspicions.

“Back in Canterlot again, Twilight?” the guy behind the counter asked as we walked in.

“For a few more days, then I’m heading out of town for another week or two,” she said as the three of us made our way to the counter. There were a few more ponies in the shop, but none of them really paid us much mind. “After that, I’ll probably be going back and forth between here and Ponyville fairly often.”

“It’s good to see the princess is keeping you busy. Do you like the travel?”

“It has its moments,” she said with a shrug. “But honestly, I prefer being settled. I also really prefer sleeping on a real bed.”

“You’re still traveling around with the hoo-man on his ship?” he asked.

“Her ship, and yes. If nothing else, at least the company is nice. The unicorns she has working for her are very knowledgeable, even if none of them come close to my strength. The rest of the crew is very colorful and staying entertained is always easy.”

“And what about Navarone, eh?” he asked, smirking. “Did you ever finally get closer to her?”

Twilight’s face lit up bright red. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You know, all those times you came in here, eating away your sorrow about how she never noticed you? Come now, Twiley, I gave you plenty of advice! Surely you remember.” Twilight seemed to grow more and more red with every word until I honestly thought she was going to teleport away in embarrassment. Taya and I were both grinning widely at her discomfort, of course.

“I… did ask her out,” she finally replied.

“Oooh, what did she say?” he asked.

“We’ve already been on one date,” Twilight said with a very small grin, though she was still blushing. “And we have one or two more planned.”

“Then you should bring her here!” he excitedly said. “I’ll make sure everything goes perfectly!”

“Well… I kinda did,” Twilight said, rubbing the back of her neck. “I just… well, used magic to turn her into a changeling first.”

“Um. Wait, what?”

“Nice to meet you,” I said with a huge grin. “My name is Lady Navarone. I really don’t like being stared at, so Twilight made me look normal.”

That made it his turn to blush like crazy. “O-oh… Um. Nice to… nice to meet you.”

“So… just how often did little Twiley here come in to pine over me?” I sweetly asked.

She kicked me and said, “Don’t answer that.”

“Got it,” he replied with a nod. “So what can I get you three?” I think he was anxious to get rid of us, at that point.

“Well, I’ve heard good things about the donuts,” I said. “Not that I can really eat them since I’m technically a changeling at the moment.”

“Why not get turned into a pony?” he asked. “Or does that spell not exist?”

“It does. I just don’t have a cutie mark, which makes me an oddity.”

“She’s also incredibly beautiful as a pony, which kinda stands out and attracts more stares,” Twilight said. “Besides, this means I get to be the pretty one!”

“I can fix that real quick,” I said, reaching a hoof up to toss my mane back. “Remember, I can be anybody.”

“You’re fine just the way you are,” Twilight replied. “Anyway, can we get half a dozen chocolate cherry donuts?”

“I’ll have ‘em right out,” he said with a nod. “Just sit anywhere you like.”

I wouldn’t mind sitting on Twilight’s face, but I guess that would be inapprops. Instead of doing the fun thing, we all piled into a booth. I expected Taya to sit next to me, but she sat across from me to force Twilight to nestle up against me. “So you came here to eat away your lust?” I asked, bumping up against Twiley.

She sighed and placed her head against the table. “I knew we should have gone somewhere else.”

“I think it’s cute, actually,” I said. “A cute little habit for a cute little mare. I wonder what else we’ll discover about you while we’re here…”

“Absolutely nothing,” she replied, sitting back up. “Because there’s absolutely nothing embarrassing left to discover!”

“Yeah, living with you for a few years taught me most of what I need to know,” I said with a shrug. “But it’s always amusing to learn more. I doubt I’ve discovered everything, though.”

“Well, I learned plenty of embarrassing stuff about you, too!”

“Like what?” Taya immediately asked.

“Since I am a good special somepony, I won’t air any details,” Twilight said with a grin.

“But I’m her daughter! It’s my duty to embarrass her in public!”

“Well when you put it like that…”

“I’m perfectly normal,” I hastily said. “Nothing embarrassing here. Besides, you’ve lived with me for about as long as Twilight has. You probably know just as much, if not more.”

“We’ll have to compare notes later, when she’s not around,” Taya said.

“Works for me,” Twilight said with a grin.

Sadists. “So what do you know about vampires?” I asked.

“Not much,” Twilight said. “Why do you ask?”

“I take it you haven’t been keeping up with the news?”

“I never do,” she replied with a shrug. “Why?”

“Remember how I mentioned a while back that a vampire got a good chunk of my blood?”

“...Kinda? I think I called you a liar, too.”

“Well, I wasn’t lying. Captain Midnight Blossom is a vampire.” Her eyebrows lifted. “She came out to me some time ago, but asked that I keep it a secret. Well, Fleur found out about it and the two of us convinced her to come out to Celestia. As soon as she did, Fleur put it in the newspapers, so now all of Canterlot knows.”

“I… I don’t believe it!”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“Well… no, but—”

“Good, then you believe it. Point is, a lot of the ponies are wary of her, despite how adorable she is. I was wondering if you could take some time to interview her and write a book about her.”

“I dunno, Nav… Isn’t she dangerous?”

“Of course she is. But she’s the captain of the guard and Celestia knows about her condition. If she had any chance of hurting someone, she wouldn’t be where she is. I trust her, enough to let her drink some of my blood a few times. Now that her secret is out, she’s been using her powers more freely, but she’s still worried that some ponies might not trust her because of what she is. I told her you might be able to write a book or something to help assuage those fears.”

“Hm… I have quite a lot on my hooves already, but I’ll definitely consider it. I’ve never really thought about studying a vampony before, but it would be a good opportunity to learn more about the undead and possibly necromancy.”

“Cool beans. You can hopefully meet her at the house party, whenever it happens.”

“You’re having a party?” Twilight asked.

“To celebrate my new house. Fleur thinks it’ll help my reputation. She’s planning it, though I don’t know when she’s doing it, yet.”

“Does Pinkie know?”

“I dunno,” I replied with a shrug.

“Huh. Well, just let me know when and I’ll be there. After all, someone has to be your date!”

“I’m afraid that position will likely already be taken,” I said. “Fleur’s gonna want some kind of payment for planning the thing. That’ll probably be it.” Taya and Twilight shared a look. “And don’t either of you think about sabotaging it, either.”

“Why mommy, I would never do that!” Taya innocently said.

“I just want you to be happy,” Twilight said with a shrug. “Either way, you’ll be a dear friend to me.”

“Then you’re in charge of making sure Taya doesn’t do anything fucktarded that night.”

“Got it,” she said, nodding. Taya just smirked and I had a feeling she was going to try her luck. Before I could tell her not to think about it, the dude finally brought us the donuts. He and Twilight said some pointless bullshit before he fucked back off.

The donuts looked fucking baller as shit. They were made of chocolate bread and covered in chocolate icing. Unfortunately, I knew they would be completely tasteless to me. I watched with only a little regret as Twilight and my daughter devoured them one by one.

Honestly, I preferred watching Fleur eat infinite donuts in her dream. Especially since she also sucked me off. Still, it was always nice to see Taya enjoying something other than torturing me. Though since she was smirking at me as she was eating all the donuts with Twilight, I think she also knew I wanted some of those fucking donuts.

When they had both gorged themselves and the plate was empty, Twilight leaned against me and sighed in pleasure. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah, it certainly looked it,” I said. “In fact…” I checked out her aura and grinned at what I saw, then started feeding on her. She squeaked in surprise and almost pulled away, but sighed again after a moment and relaxed.

“That isn’t so bad, actually,” she said.

“Just one more way that you’re better than your brother,” I said, wrapping a leg around her. “Cuter, better in bed, smarter, princess’s protege, better at magic, prettier partner, more friends, and better at getting your emotions eaten.”

“Oh, hush,” she said with a giggle. “He’s married and he has a beautiful little filly!”

“And do you envy him for that?” I whispered, nipping at her ear.

“W-well… I never really imagined myself having foals… But every little filly wants to find a perfect special somepony to marry.”

“I never really much saw the point in marriage, but I’d be down if it’s what my partner really wanted,” I said. “But I’d have to be really certain about it before going in. I don’t like breaking vows.”

“Good to know. He’s also a prince. I don’t think I’ll be able to one-up that one any time soon.”

“The future’s a crazy thing,” I said, shrugging. “You never know what might happen.”

“If I ever become a princess, I think my first order of business will be naming you my official consort,” she said. “That way, everyone will know just who you belong to.”

“Where do I vote?” Taya asked. “Twilight for princess!”

“Might want to be careful about that treason, honey,” I said. “Celestia has ears all over the place.”

“I’m sure Discord turned them all into potatos or something by now,” she said, waving a hoof.

“I’d vote for Twilight over a potato-eared Celestia any day. Though I’d also vote for Twilight against regular Celestia any day. Hey, maybe next time Celestia gets turned into a baby, we can put Twilight on the throne instead of me.”

“I don’t think I’d want to be the princess,” she said. “Maybe a princess, though. Not that it matters, since it’ll never happen.”

“That’s just pessimistic,” I said, rubbing at her belly with my hoof. “Anyway, are you two ready to walk that sugar off?”

“I’m actually really tired,” Twilight said. “I had to use enough magic earlier to break through the three protection spells the mages put on us, on top of the magical resistance the tower has to teleporting. I haven’t quite recovered yet.”

“I’m sure you’d recover a lot faster on mommy’s bed!” Taya quickly replied. “It’s huge and comfy!”

Wow. Never thought I’d hear my daughter propositioning a mare for me.

“Well, I did want to try it out,” Twilight slowly said. “I think a sleepover might be fun!”

Not that we’re gonna be doing much sleeping. “You wanna head back?” I asked. “I can rub your belly just as well at home.” Or better, since I can give myself hands without freaking everyone out.

She sighed. “I suppose it’s time to head back into the cold. Let me just settle the tab.” She slid out of the booth, leaving me with Taya.

“You’re welcome, mommy,” she snarkily said.

“I’m not gonna tell you to eat a dick because you’re my daughter,” I said. “But if you weren’t, you better believe that’s what I’d be saying right now.”

“I love you, too.”

“After what I did for you today, you better. Hopefully, Celestia won’t forget it.”

She giggled. “You’re so funny, mommy. But I don’t know why you got so mad about it. I mean, I’m really happy that you told her to stay away, but I don’t see why you bothered.”

“Celestia is like a parasite. Spend enough time around her and she’ll get in your head and make you think whatever she wants you to think and do whatever she wants you to do. I know you’re not stupid, but she’s really good at it. She had me wrapped around her hoof for years, and I even knew that she was doing it. I’m not going to put you at risk.”

“It’s not like I ever would have actually trusted her! Not after all she’s done to you.”

“Even the biggest monsters can seem like rational, normal people when you get to know them. That’s why I put up with Celestia’s bullshit for so long. And she’s great at making the horrible shit she does seem normal, or rationalizing it. She had Twilight eating out of her hoof until I made her look at what a monster Celestia is. It wouldn’t be hard for her to get you to the same point, even if you might think otherwise now. Best not to even give her the opportunity.”

“You should trust me more. I would never believe what she says! Also, Twilight is staring at you now.”

I turned around and found that, sure enough, Twilight was standing fairly close and staring at me with a blank expression on her face. I wonder how much of that she overheard. “Ready to go?” I asked.

“Thank you, Nav. I would have been Celestia’s pawn for the rest of my life if you hadn’t taught me to ask the right question.”

“You’re welcome. Shall we?”

“Yes.”

And so we did, right up until we got out of the donut place. “So which way is home?” I asked.

“You don’t know how to get to your house?” Twilight slowly asked.

“Not from here. I usually fly.”

She rolled her eyes, then closed them. A moment later, her horn lit up and a purple beam shot up into the sky. A moment later, it seemed to pulse and I saw a purple aura begin spreading out from the top of the beam. She shivered and lifted a hoof to head. “Oooh, that spell is a weird one…”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“That was one of the adventurer spells I decided to learn after a few months on the ship, one that Sentinel taught me. It allows the unicorn to have a bird’s eye view of everything from directly above you. There are a few different versions of it that will let you see things like heat signatures and magical auras, but I just cast the basic version. The distance it showed me wasn’t enough to see your house, but I know enough about where we are now to get us there.”

“Sounds pretty neat,” I said. “Lead the way.”

Once again, I didn’t actually let her lead the way. Instead, I pressed myself back up against her and marveled at the feeling of our furry bodies rubbing against each other. Despite hating being a mare, it had a few minor upsides here and there.

Instead of walking next to me, Taya was actually happily skipping behind the two of us. She even stopped to smell a few of the flowers we passed, not that too many of them were able to poke out of the snow. Honestly, it was super fucking adorable and made me smile even more.

The sun was starting to go down by the time we got back to my house. I was feeling pretty tired and I knew Taya needed to get to bed soon, what with her tests. Thankfully, the doors weren’t locked. Taya led the way in, since she was the only one who looked like she actually lived there.

“Good evening, my lady,” the guard on duty said with a small bow toward Taya. “Would you happen to know where your mother is? She has two guests.”

“I’m right here,” I said. “I’m just a changeling again.”

“...Only you, my lady,” he said, shaking his head in wonder. “Queen… Moonbeam and Lady Fleur de Lis are here to see you. We told them we weren’t sure where you were or if you would be back, but they seemed happy to wait in the sun room.”

Oh boy. At the mention of their names, Twilight pressed against me even more and her smile seemed to become slightly strained. “Did they say what they needed?” I asked.

“Lady Fleur would like to discuss the party,” he replied. “Queen Moonbeam did not say.”

“Then I guess I’ll go find out,” I sighed. “You’re both free to head upstairs.”

“I think I’ll stay with you,” Twilight hastily replied.

“Not me,” my daughter said with a yawn. Her horn lit up and she vanished with a pop. I sighed again and led Twilight to the sun room, turning back into a changeling as I went.

Moonbeam and Fleur were staring out into the backyard, talking about the coming competition. They looked up when they heard us walking in. Moonbeam smiled. “Took you long enough, Nav. And I see you’re back in a changeling body.”

“It has advantages,” I said, shrugging. “It’s me, Fleur. Just me in a slightly blacker body.”

“I… see,” she said, looking me up and down. “You’re definitely quite striking.”

“So I’ve heard,” I sarcastically replied. Twilight and I finally got to the table, so I carefully took a seat. Twilight pulled a chair right up next to me and sat so close that she could lean on me. Fleur’s lips pursed and Moonie’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Sorry to keep you both waiting. What did you need?”

Since a queen is slightly more important than a lady, Moonbeam went first. “I came to inform you of a few things. First, Celestia is not pleased with you at the moment. Getting slapped around put her in a very foul mood, as did her inability to teach you a lesson without Discord getting involved.” That made Fleur gasp, of course. “Second, Discord didn’t do anything to her this time, but only because she somehow managed to outrun him. He was apparently threatening to hold her down and tickle her into submission. Third, I will be returning to the hive in two days and will likely not return for some time. I took the liberty of placing a magic mirror in your room that will allow you to communicate with me, should you ever desire it.”

That seemed to be all she had to say, so I nodded. “Awesome. Thanks, Moonie.”

“Do not think that I am not keeping count, Navarone. You are going to pay for every use of that name.”

“Pay how?” Twilight asked.

“By bringing her close to release, only to deny it to her,” Moonbeam replied. Twilight’s ears began twitching. “She gets very pouty and stays blushed for hours afterwards. I highly recommend it.”

It took Twiley a few moments to reply, but when she did, it was with a dirty smirk. “I think I might start doing that, actually. It seems like a very amusing way to punish her!”

I sighed and looked out to the cliff. “Do you think a fall from this height would be lethal?” I asked.

“I think I would teleport you back in a heartbeat,” Twilight replied. “And then drag you up to your room for your punishment!”

“You’ll have to let me know how it goes,” Fleur said with her own smirk. “If it’s really that effective, I might have to start doing it, too!”

Oh yeah, it definitely sounds like time to kill myself. Instead of doing the world a favor, I looked at Fleur and asked, “What did you need?”

Thankfully, they let me change the subject. “I wanted to discuss your party,” she said. “I believe tomorrow night would be a grand time.”

“Isn’t that really short notice?” Twilight asked. “Will you even have time to send out invitations?”

“This is going to be a small event,” Fleur said. “We’ll use the excuse that Nav is currently lacking in house staff to avoid a larger one. I will likely only invite ten or so ponies, not including Queen Moonbeam. Getting the invitations to them will be no issue and none would dare refuse, given the host. Most have already been informed and have guaranteed me they will have no conflicting plans.”

“What should I do about food?” I asked. “And decorations? And music?”

“Music will not be necessary,” she said. “I recommend light snack food and simple decorations. Preferably flowers and other pleasant nature-themed things. This is the debut of the new you. I shall take you to have you measured for a new gown in the morning. It’s important that we begin accommodating for your tail now, so it won’t bother anypony.”

“I’ve been rethinking that whole thing, actually,” I said. “I really don’t like being super feminine. Like, it sucks hella hard. I mean, I’ve come to accept that I’m a woman and everything, but that doesn’t mean that I have to start acting all girly and shit. Hell, look at Blossom. She’s a badass chick that don’t take shit from no one. Why can’t I go back to being like that, with some minor feminine twists?”

“...I understand that this is requiring some adjustments, but—”

“I don’t think you’re listening, Fleur,” I said. “I really don’t like this. It’s not anything about taking time to adjust or whatever. I just straight up don’t like doing it. And, even more than that, I really don’t like people ignoring me when I say that I don’t fucking like it.”

“...I see.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful that you’re trying to do what you think is best for me. And I’m still going to compete in the Miss Universe thing. But I think I should do it my way, not the most feminine way possible. And I’m fine with being prettified every now and then for big events, but this everyday pretty-party bullshit is awful and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of lying to everyone and to myself. If I’m going to repair my reputation, I’m going to do it by not being an asshole anymore. After all, you can spend all day dressing up a turd, but at the end of the day, it’s still a piece of shit.”

“That is a very… interesting way to put it,” Moonbeam said.

“My grandfather had some interesting sayings,” I replied. “Most of them were vulgar in some way, which probably explains why half the words that come out of my mouth are bad ones. Point is, all this prettification bullshit is getting on my last nerve, and it hasn’t even been a week yet.”

Fleur sighed and said, “I told you before that your friends would support you, Nav. I truly believe that showing off your femininity would be the best way to improve things.”

“What femininity is that?” I asked. “Because aside from the vagina and the tits, there isn’t really much of that to go around. You can say whatever you like, but I think we all know I’m about as masculine as they come. It’s in the way I talk and the way I walk, it’s how I act and how I solve problems. I do plan to make adjustments, but I see no reason to do a complete one-eighty.”

“We talked about this, Nav,” Twilight said. “Once I cast that spell on you, this will be a nonissue.”

“What spell is that?” Fleur asked.

“One that isn’t important,” I said.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It’ll let her discover who she truly is, discounting any unwilling changes done to her mind. Basically, once she goes through it, she’ll finally be certain she is who she wants to be.”

“That sounds… amazing,” Fleur said. “How would one go about having this spell cast upon them?”

“It comes with risks,” Twilight said. “Major risks. It’s possible that you could be in a coma indefinitely. We’re going to take steps to ensure that doesn’t happen with Nav, but it’s still not a spell that I would cast on just anybody. In truth, I recommended against it.”

“I understand why,” Moonie said. “I recognize that spell. Not many would dare risk it. But then, you always did seem to enjoy taking risks.”

“You ain’t never gonna get nowhere in life if you won’t throw the dice once in a while,” I said with a shrug. “Another one of my grandfather’s sayings. He uh… kinda had a gambling problem, though.”

“I think I would have enjoyed meeting your grandfather,” Moonbeam said. “He sounds like quite an interesting character.”

“Well, he probably would have chased you around with a boot. He hated bugs and he was super racist. Or he might woulda just put a bullet in you, since he always carried around a huge revolver.”

“While I am very eager to see if your vaunted guns are as powerful as magic, I think I would prefer not doing it with one that is pointed at me.”

“I used my pneumatic rifle to take down Pertz,” I said. “He blocked the first nine rounds, but the tenth got him good. I’d say one of those rounds probably has a tenth of the power of an actual bullet, so I probably could have killed him with two shots. If you want to test it with a primitive gun, I actually built a shitty pistol a while back.”

“You did what?!” Twilight asked, grabbing me with one of her hooves. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because your nose was so far up Celestia’s ass at the time that you were tasting her cake before she did.” Though that excuse kinda loses its merit when you take into account the time I threatened to blow Celestia’s brains out with it.

“...Oh.”

“I take it that was another of your grandfather’s sayings?” Moonie asked with a cute little smirk.

“Grandmother, actually. Anyway, the thing was so shitty that I kinda forgot about it. I’m pretty sure I left it locked up in the chest I told Lyra to never open. I can get it the next time I head back to Ponyville.”

“...Will you show me how it works?” Twiggles asked.

“I dunno, maybe? We’ll talk about it later. Now, we’ve gotten way the fuck off topic. Let’s get back to the party.”

“Right,” Fleur said with a nod. “If you choose not to wear the beautiful gown I was going to go out of my way to help you obtain, we’ll have to find something else. Would you accept a white sundress?”

“I mean… I’d prefer not, but I know I have to make some allowances. If my shitty tail doesn’t make the damn thing ride up too much, I’ll accept it.”

“Excellent. Oh, and the flower crown, of course. White on white will make the guests think of snow, which will help with your nature theme. Now, there’s just one more thing, the matter of your date…”

“I take it you have someone in mind?” I pointlessly asked.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” she replied.

“And just who might that be?” I sighed.

Of course, all three of them spoke up with, “Me.”

It suddenly felt like the temperature dropped a few degrees. The three of them seemed to be having a strange, three-way staring contest. Don’t make any sudden movements. They can smell fear.

Unfortunately, instead of debating the matter among themselves, they all seemed to come to a silent consensus and turned their gazes upon me. “So it seems there’s a… difference in opinion,” I slowly said.

“It seems there is,” Moonbeam replied.

“So… Should I go ahead and throw myself off the mountain now, or what?”

“I think you should make a choice,” Twilight said.

“Oh, that’s much easier. Fleur’s setting this thing up for me, so she’s it.” Twilight sighed, Moonbeam pursed her lips, and Fleur smiled. “I mean, I think that’s fair.”

“Of course it’s fair,” Fleur said. “Though I think a few dates might be even better. After all, I am taking quite a lot of time to help you!”

“Don’t push it,” I said. I would have shaken a finger at her, but I didn’t have any and I didn’t feel like making them. “But we can talk about that later. Now, what time is the party tomorrow?”

“Midafternoon, around three,” she replied. “That should allow your staff to prepare what they need.”

“Cool. What time are you going to get here?”

She blinked. “I was actually hoping to stay the night. It’s quite cold out and I would hate to walk home all alone… After all, I’m sure there’s plenty of room on that large bed of yours!”

Twilight very suddenly and uncomfortably wrapped a hoof around one of my legs and jerked me closer. “She already has plans.”

“Plans are quite easy to change,” Fleur said, reaching a hoof over to caress my other foreleg.

“Oh, is that so?” Twilight asked, an edge coming to her voice.

“It is, yes,” Fleur succulently replied. “After all, I think we both know who Nav would prefer. I know how to make her feel like a true mare!”

“I think we just established that isn’t what she wants at all, actually.”

“I’m sure she’ll be happy to change her mind for the night…” Fleur finally grabbed the leg closer to her with magic and gently tugged. Twilight’s grip didn’t lessen at all.

Moonbeam actually chuckled, which made both of them relax their grips and look at her. “Twilight, you do yourself a disservice,” she said. “Celestia told me all about your friendship reports. Are you telling me that you never learned to share?”

“W-what?!”

I suddenly teleported across the table and found myself held up next to Moonie. “We are going upstairs. The two of you may join us if you would like.”

“Um. Do I get a say in this?” I asked.

“Of course,” Moonie said.

“Oh. Good. We’re going upstairs. The two of you can come along if you want.”

Moonbeam nodded smartly and finally started carrying me to the door. I was able to see Fleur and Twilight share a look. Fleur finally shrugged and stood to follow us. Twilight took a deep breath before standing up and joining her.

I don’t know if this is going to be really horrifying or the best night ever. Either way, it’s gonna be one hell of a story to tell.

After one hell of a night, I woke up covered in mares. God dammit, this always happens when I forget to turn my swag off. I waited for an internal blow that never came, which was just another reminder that I no longer had an elemental in me.

Once I had a moment to take stock, I realized that Twilight was holding onto me from the right, Fleur was holding onto me from the left, and Moonbeam was actually lying on top of me.

A good chunk of my body was either sore or felt asleep. Not one of them had been gentle and all three of them seemed to be doing their best to outcompete the others. It was absolutely fun at the time, but I knew while it was happening that I’d regret it.

I tried to reclaim my forelegs, but they were both held in deathgrips. That left me with one option, one that I was loath to use. That said, I really needed to get Taya to her classes. She could definitely walk herself there, but I wasn’t going to make her do that on her first day.

She could walk herself back, though.

When I gave up trying to extricate myself from the pile of mares, I sighed and turned into a mouse. Fleur twitched at the sound and the sudden flash of light, but apparently the other two were heavier sleepers. I squeezed out from under Moonie and scampered out of the pile to run over to the bathroom, where I transformed back into my original body. That done, I closed the door and got a bath going.

It took a while to fill up since it was fuckhuge, but I gave up waiting shortly after the water started and just got in, letting it slowly fill up around me. The wait was tortuous, but well worth it. The steaming hot water seemed to just evaporate the aches and pains. A part of me wondered where I could find epsom salts, but the rest of me was just enjoying it as it was.

Shortly after I started soaking, Fleur tip-hooved into the bathroom. She relaxed slightly when she saw me. “Good morning, Navi,” she said with her normal grin. It looked somewhat out of place with the rest of her disheveled appearance, but she honestly wore it well.

“It might be good for you three, but I’m all kinds of sore,” I said.

“You certainly weren’t complaining at the time.”

“Well, my mouth was busy. Speaking of which, even my jaw aches.”

“Yes, the variety and intensity of aches one can gather from such activities are truly impressive. Would you mind if I joined you?”

“By all means,” I replied, waving a hand at the water.

She gracefully dipped into the tub and slid over to where I was so she could sit next to me. As soon as she was seated, she leaned up against me with a sigh and used magic to drape one of my arms around her. “This is one of the few things I miss about living with Fancy. My tub is incredibly lacklustre in comparison.”

“Yeah, it’s been really nice. I hate that all the fur is gonna clog it up, though.”

“One of the joys of magic is how easy such messes are to clean. Why, it means we could spend as long as we’d like in here!”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have as long as I’d like. I got some parental duties to take care of this morning. It’s Taya’s first day at magic school.”

“That is unfortunate, but definitely understandable. If you would like, I could walk with the two of you and then we could go get you fitted for your new dress. Such a simple garment shouldn’t take long. Then when we get back, we can begin whipping your crew into shape!”

“Sounds good to me. I know one of the guards is a cook. She’d probably be happy to help. Doppel’s supposedly working on her decorating skills, so she might be useful. The blacksmith’s assistant knows a lot about nobles and shit, so he might be able to deliver invitations.”

“A blacksmith’s apprentice that knows about nobles?”

“Sunshine Smiles, only son of the owners of a very large hotel. He’s also ex-royal guard.”

“Those are strange career choices for one born to wealth.”

“He’s a strange pony. Anyway, we should have all the bases covered.”

“Excellent. Once you hire additional help, we can host much larger parties. I’m afraid they’ll have to stay small until then.”

“Dude, I hate parties. I’m only doing this because it’s expected. I don’t really plan to host any more.”

“...I see.”

“This may be a surprise to you, but I’m a boring homebody. The only reason I seem interesting at all is because I’m the only human here and Discord is torturing me by making bad shit happen all the time. Normally, I would refuse to even go to a party, let alone host one.”

“You know, you seemed to enjoy yourself at my husband’s coming out party…”

“One of the few things that makes going to parties worthwhile is going with good company.”

“Well, for the first time in what may be a long time, you’ve found yourself surrounded by good company. Perhaps, if you let yourself, you could come to enjoy parties. I would ask that you go into today’s party looking to have fun, not expecting it to be miserable. I would be delighted if my date enjoyed herself as much as I know I’ll enjoy myself.”

“‘Kay.”

She waited for more, but I didn’t have anything else to add. She finally nuzzled me and said, “Good.” With that, she leaned up for a kiss and managed to connect it on my lips right as the bathroom door opened. I tried looking up to see who was coming in, but Fleur lifted a hoof to my face to hold me steady until she was done.

When she finally pulled back, she was wearing a smirk. We both turned to look at the intruder together. It was Twilight. For some reason, she seemed slightly miffed. “I see you two are wide-awake already,” she testily said.

“The early pony gets the crispest hay,” Fleur sweetly replied, snuggling tighter up against me. “Did you need something?”

“Yeah, a bath,” she replied, walking over. She slid in without another word and sidled up to my other side to cuddle against me as well. “Much, much better.”

“I believe it’s rude to invite yourself into a host’s bathtub.”

“I don’t think our host minds. Do you, Navi?”

“We’ve shared a lot more than a bath,” I replied with a shrug. “It don’t hardly hurt my feelings none. I could definitely do without the passive aggressive pettiness from both of you, though.”

“I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest idea of what you’re talking about,” Fleur hastily replied.

“Sometimes a mare just needs to claim what belongs to her,” Twilight said, reaching a hoof down between my legs.

“Oh, is that how it’s gonna be?” Fleur asked, leaning around me to glare at her.

“I think all three of us know exactly how it is, actually.”

“Is that so?!”

“Well, Navarone once told me something very important. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. And look who currently possesses it.” To punctuate that, she slowly stroked my dick.

In response, Fleur grabbed that hoof and threw it off. “You keep your dirty hooves off—”

“Ahem.” All three of us looked up to see Moonbeam entering. “I see your toys have begun their squabbling, pet.” As she walked closer to the bath, her body morphed into a very sexy human one. “Thankfully, they left me the best seat in the house.” When she got into the bath, she seductively walked forward and sat in my lap, wrapping herself around me and kissing me deeply. It sounded like Fleur and Twilight were both growling.

“Who are you calling a toy?” Fleur finally asked.

“And what do you mean your pet?!” Twilight added.

Moonbeam was still busy playing with my tongue, so she dithered about on answering. When she finally had her fill, she pulled back with a grin. “The two of you are her toys, of course. Our dear Navarone may play with you as much as she wants, but she knows very much that she is my pet, and she may only play with her toys because I allow it.”

As amusing as it was getting, I knew I kinda needed to put a stop to it before shit got out of hand. “Now, I’m sure every guy has always dreamed of three very sexy women fighting for him. But I gotta say, I’m not much a fan. So, point one, can we please keep this civil? And point two, can we please stop calling me property?”

“What about pet?” Moonie quickly asked.

“I’m okay with that, as long as you’re doing it endearingly and you don’t actually think of me as a pet.”

“Oh. That might be an issue…”

“God dammit, Moonie.”

“I was only joking!” Twilight said, jerking my arm toward her.

“And I never said it at all,” Fleur whispered, before tickling my ear with her tongue.

“And I think you secretly like it,” Moonbeam said, leaning in to kiss me again. One of the two unicorns pushed her back with magic. “Oh, you two are no fun!”

“Actually, being owned is no fun,” I replied. “Or treated like a pet.”

“Tch, how would you know? It’s not like you’ve ever tried it!”

“I have, actually,” I coldly replied. “It was not fun.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. There’s a reason I made those two points.”

“I see. Well. I shall return for the party.” Moonbeam actually teleported away. The space she had been in instantly filled in with water, sending it splashing everywhere.

“So I guess she didn’t know about Kat or Trixie, huh?” Twilight asked.

“I guess not,” I slowly replied.

“What about Katrina?” Fleur asked.

“I met her the first time I went to Egypt, when she turned me into a sex pet and brutally raped me every night for a week,” I said with a shrug.

“She… she…”

“Yeah.”

She stared at me for several very long seconds before quietly saying, “I was also not aware of that.”

“It’s not exactly something I openly advertise.”

“It took her a while to even tell me,” Twilight sighed.

“You have had many unpleasant experiences in life, Nav,” Fleur said, patting my arm. “But now that I’m at your side, I’m going to show you that it isn’t all bad!”

“Well, I finally got her to thank me for showing her that friendship is magic,” Twilight said with a smirk.

“You can’t prove that,” I immediately replied.

“You can deny it all you want, but we both know the truth!”

“I believe it,” Fleur said. “She’s told me all manner of cute things here and there, too.”

“Ooh, did she tell you about the time I turned her into a mare and had a dragon rub her belly?”

“She didn’t! You simply must share!”

“Ahem,” I quickly said.

“Hush, Nav,” Twilight shot back. “Mares are gossiping!”

“That’s why I’m ahemming,” I said. “Some of us actually got into this bath to get clean. I still need to make sure Taya gets up in time for magic school.”

“Oh. Then I guess I should stop procrastinating, huh?”

“...Procrastinating?” I asked.

Twilight looked at Fleur and smirked. “There’s one thing I can do that I know you can’t.”

“And what is that, little missy?” Fleur replied.

“Breathe underwater.” Before either of us could ask why that was relevant, she slipped between my legs and slid down to position herself perfectly.

“Oh my,” Fleur said, lifting a hoof to her mouth.

I can’t decide if I’m living the life or if this is some kind of eternal punishment for something.

As Twilight finally got started, I came to the conclusion that punishments weren’t always bad.

When we were finally done with the bath, Twilight gave me a goodbye kiss before teleporting out to get back to her research, though she also promised to come back in time for the party. Fleur went downstairs to get food. I transformed into my shitty fucked up body so I could get dressed.

Once I was clothed, I took a moment to mourn my penis again before walking next door to Taya’s room. She didn’t answer when I knocked. I sighed, gave her about half a minute, knocked again, then opened the door. She wasn’t on her bed, but I heard her shower running. That was good enough for me, so I closed her door.

As soon as I put a foot on the railing to jump down, I heard Doppel shout up, “Don’t even think about it!”

“I was just stretching!” I called back.

“Good! You’ve got a lot of stairs to go down and you need to be ready.”

God dammit. Fucking head of household, my ass. That bitch doesn’t do anything but stare at the fourth floor all day, just waiting. I need to get her some employees to micromanage.

Sulking and thinking mean thoughts didn’t get me downstairs any faster. Sighing and walking to the stairs helped, though. When I got to the bottom, I found a smiling Doppel waiting on me. It looked like she had found a new maid dress. This one wasn’t fetishistic at all and it seemed to actually be built for utilitarian purposes. Oddly enough, the colors were green and white. “Isn’t it good to get your exercise in early, my lady?” she sweetly asked.

“You’re such a bully.”

“I live to serve,” she replied with a curtsy. “How do you feel about my new dress?”

“I’m not gonna say it’s an improvement to the last one, but I think it’s much better for running a household. I approve. Kind of a strange color scheme, though. Was it on sale?”

She giggled and picked at it. “I decided to use earthy colors for the staff outfits, to fit your role as Lady of Nature. Mares will wear green and white. Stallions will wear green and brown.”

“Speaking of which, I’m going away pretty soon. First to Gryphus and then to the middle of Equestria. While I’m gone, I want you to look for anyone who might be interested in working for me. If you find someone, hire them on a probationary period until I get back and can meet them. I doubt I’ll have any issues with anyone you find, so that’s mostly as a formality.”

“You got it, my lady!”

“So are you going with that now instead of mistress?”

“Queen Chrysalis made you my mistress. You made yourself my lady. And I’m following you now, not her.” Her grin grew even more. “After all, I’m your excellent head of household!”

“That you are,” I said. “And tonight’s gonna be your chance to prove it to everyone. We’re hosting a party. Nothing too large, but the ponies here are going to be very important.”

“Fleur spent some time briefing me last night,” she said with a nod. “I know just what to do!”

“Walk me through it, because I have no fucking clue.”

“What would you do without me, my lady?”

“I ask myself that every day.” Well, every so often, anyway.

“Scoria and Grey are out getting foodstuffs now. When they get back, she’ll begin preparing them. Gloomy is out with Phantom getting everything she needs to decorate everything. Apparently she’s really into that.”

“Watch her,” I said. “No one in her squad is all there, if you get me.”

“Trust me, I know. Nobody could be that happy all the time.” Not unless they’re super manic. There’s something wrong with that mare, I swear. “Black Fate is working on invitations now. Apparently he used to forge documents for the princess, so he’s really good at making paperwork look official. There are several delivery services in town we can drop them off at.”

“See if Smiles can help with that, if he’s not doing anything else. He knows a lot about nobles and might be able to save some time by handing the invites out himself.”

“You got it. The rest of the guards are polishing their armor. Once they’re done with that, they’ll begin deep cleaning the house, starting with the sun room. Gloomy will follow behind them with decorations. If everything goes well, we should be prepared with plenty of time to spare.”

“Good. What about Kat and Spike?”

“I believe Watcher said that Spike was visiting friends in Ponyville. At the moment, Kat, Spider, and Silver are out looking for books. They’re going to stop by a library and see if they can all get registered for cards, as well.”

“Huh. Well, whatevs. Anything else I need to know?”

“Nope! Are you gonna be around today?”

“Taya just signed up for a magic school. I’m going to walk her to her classes, then Fleur and I are going to do some stupid fashion bullshit.”

Before I could continue, Fleur yelled at us from the other room. “It’s not stupid or bullshit, Navi!”

“Fine. Fleur and I are going to go do some fashion.” The peanut gallery remained silent, thankfully. “I plan to get back in time to help with preparations.”

“...No you won’t,” Doppel replied.

“Fashion stuff might take a while, but it won’t take that long.”

“Oh, no, you misunderstood me. It doesn’t matter how long you’re gone. You just aren’t allowed to help.”

“Huh. Did we go to some weird reverso-world where you’re the lady and I’m the servant? I must not have noticed.”

“No, we’re still in the right world,” she replied. “Which is precisely why you aren’t going to lower yourself to servant work. You are our noble lady. You simply… can’t be seen doing menial housework!”

“You know what, I find that really insulting.” She opened her mouth to reply, but I kept going because apparently that was my noble privilege. “But I’m not going to bitch about it, because I really didn’t want to help anyway and was going to spend more time complaining about it than actually being useful. So thank you, Doppel.”

“I live to serve,” she said with another curtsy.

“Then I can only think of one more thing. Queen Moonbeam is going to be at this party as well. Is that going to be a problem?”

“...It won’t be a problem for me,” she slowly replied. “As long as she doesn’t try to make it a problem, that is.”

“If she pushes you at all, you come to me immediately,” I said. “I’m not having that shit in my house.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“You don’t have to. This lady-servant relationship goes both ways, Doppel. You take care of me, I take care of you. If Chrysalis starts digging at you, let me know and I’ll handle it.”

She stared up at me for a few long seconds before darting forward and hugging me. I’m pretty sure she knew it was super inappropriate, because it didn’t last long before she pulled away. “As you command, my lady,” she happily replied.

“Actually, one more thing. Do you know where Zecora is?”

“I don’t, but Watcher probably does. What do you need her for?”

“I need to see if she can contact the god of death so I can make a bargain with him to give me a soul so the literal antithesis of creation can’t treat me like a puppet anymore.”

“Oh. Well, let me know if you need my help!”

“Will do. Keep up the good work.” She curtsied a third time and I finally went into the sun room.

Jak was at one table, sipping at a cup of tea and occasionally munching on a large piece of toast. Fleur was sitting at another table, sending the occasional furtive glance toward the large minotaur. Either she wasn’t hungry or she had already finished eating, but she did have her own cup of tea. The room was empty aside from the two of them.

I knew Jak didn’t need my company, so I walked over and sat next to Fleur. “Taya’s up and in the shower already. She should be down shortly. You know, I already have plenty of white dresses, some of which have already been modified. We really don’t need to get another.”

The little smirk she had on her face told me that she disagreed. “A lady may never possess too many outfits, my friend. And whether you try to deny your femininity or not, you are still very much a lady. Having many different outfits showcases several things. First, it shows that you are not afraid to use your money, which displays your wealth. Second, it shows that you know what is fashionable, which shows how much you pay attention to the outside world. Third, outfits can be used to make statements of all types. You can use them to show how important you believe an event to be, for example, or how much you care about the person who hosts it. I can go on and on about the importances of having more outfits, but I believe I’ve made my point. You may not like this world of nobility in which you have been placed, but you must remember that you have been placed here. Molding with the flow and acting as the other nobles will increase your power and influence. The more friendly you are, the more friends you will have. The more friends you have, the larger your influence. The larger your influence, the more sway you hold. And should certain events ever come to pass, the sway of the pendulum of power must be solely on your side. If you do not act the part and play the game of power properly, you could risk losing everything, even if you somehow succeed against Discord.”

“...I am very glad you are on my side, Fleur.”

She reached over and placed a hoof on one of my hands. “So am I, my dear Navi.” She actually leaned in for a kiss, so I grinned and met it.

A few seconds into it, we heard a loud clatter at the table. We both jerked away and looked over at the disturbance, which happened to be Taya dropping a plate onto it. She… had a very unhappy look on her face. “Hello, mommy,” she darkly said.

“Good morning, Taya,” I said with a smile. I’m pretty sure she didn’t agree with that ‘good’ part. “Sleep well?”

“No. Nightmares.”

“I think I would have remembered that,” I said. “You know I always check on your dreams at night.”

She grimaced. Gotcha, bitch. “Maybe you were distracted,” she finally said. “They were about you making a mistake.”

“Well, a mistake is just a lesson to learn,” I said with a shrug. “So whatever I do, just watch me and learn from it. I’m sure no matter what mistake I might make, I’ll still love you.”

She grimly smiled. “Always an answer for everything, mommy.”

“Nav is a very wise woman,” Fleur sweetly answered.

Taya gave her a very flat stare before finally starting to eat. She glared at the plate and stabbed the food with a magical fork.

I had a feeling she was upset about something.

“Your mother told me you just joined a magic school, Taya,” Fleur said. As soon as Fleur started talking, Taya fixed her with a very mean glare. “Are you excited about your first day?”

“Fleur, don’t,” I said. “She’s just gonna be mean and nasty.” Taya gave me a sickly sweet smirk for just a second before dropping it and going back to eating, once again glaring. “That said, if she can refrain that nastiness and be polite and happy today, I think I just might reward her.” Taya’s ears twitched. “That’s a pretty big if, though. So the reward would have to be well worth it…” She suddenly looked awfully conflicted. “Well, I guess I’ll have all day to think about it. Assuming, of course, my good little girl behaves herself.”

It sounded like she started grinding her teeth for a few moments before she sighed and looked back up at Fleur. “Yes,” she dully replied.

“That doesn’t sound too polite or happy,” I said, leaning back in my chair. Taya’s ears dropped and she looked away. “Maybe I don’t need to think of a reward after all…”

She finally groaned and put on a very obviously fake smile. “Why yes, I’m very excited!” she said. It sounded very disingenuous, but I was hoping she wouldn’t keep up the shitty attitude for long. Better yet, I was hoping Fleur would just leave her alone so I wouldn’t have to keep threatening my daughter with a good time.

It seemed that Fleur liked torturing my daughter as much as I did, though. “I’m not here to take your mother away, Taya,” she warmly said. “You don’t have to think of me as your enemy. And no matter what happens, you know she will always love you.”

“Oh, I know,” Taya said, her eyes meeting mine.

“I will admit that your mother and I started on bad terms.” My daughter snorted. “But the misunderstandings of the past are behind us now. Your mother and I have started anew. And as it so happens, we’ve discovered a fondness for each other.”

“Mommy sure is fond of a lot of mares,” Taya snarkily shot back. I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Your mother is a remarkable person,” Fleur said. “A very… exceptional one.”

“And powerful,” Taya added.

“I know you are very protective of your mother. I truly understand that. Which is why I want you to trust me, Taya. You know the kind of mare your mother is. You know that there are plenty of those who would like to use her.”

“You mean like you?” Taya asked, finally dropping the act.

“I am not trying to use your mother, Taya,” Fleur said. “I am trying to protect her, just the same as you. If anything, she’s using me!”

“Guilty as charged, on that one,” I said. “I convinced her to divorce her husband, move out, and start an entirely new global enterprise.” I took a second to think about that. “God damn, that sounds like a villainous backstory.”

“Your mother has done a lot for me,” Fleur said. “She has helped me grow and change.”

“I hear that a lot,” Taya sarcastically replied.

“It just so happens that the two of us have grown closer, as we worked together.”

“I hear that a lot, too.”

“You are just the sweetest thing,” Fleur said, shaking her head and grinning.

“I bet you were saying that last night, too,” Taya quietly replied.

“I knew you were listening in!” I said, slapping the table.

“Nothing gets past me, mommy,” Taya happily said, her eyes meeting mine. They turned cold and moved to meet Fleur’s. “And nothing ever will.” She finished that very icily.

“You’re such a fucking drama queen, Jesus,” I said.

“Well, I learned it from watching you!”

I scratched at the back of my neck. Fleur cleared her throat.

It took Jak to break that stalemate. “She’s got you there, lassie.”

“Go back to eating your god damn toast, you overgrown cow,” I shot back. He chuckled and went back to his tea.

“Mommy can do better than you,” Taya finally said.

“That’s a very hasty assessment,” Fleur evenly replied. “If you would just give me a chance, I think you’ll find that your mother and I get along just fine.”

“Ponies don’t get chances,” Taya said. “They take chances.”

“Your mother has taken a chance on me. You trust her, don’t you?”

“That’s a pretty good question, actually,” I said.

“She’s been known to make mistakes,” Taya said.

“The same could be said of all of us,” Fleur shot back. “I have made hurtful mistakes against your mother, and I have apologized for them. Mistakes are a part of life. Growing from them is important. I have changed a significant part of who I was because your mother showed me that who I was before was a petty, vain monster. She woke me from that nightmare. She taught me to question things. I’m happy to see that it’s something she has taught you, as well.”

“It seems like something she teaches everyone,” Taya sighed.

“Hey man, if something seems cartoonishly evil, you call it like you see it,” I said with a shrug.

“Unfortunately, we live in a world where what seems to be evil and what actually is evil are two very different things,” Fleur said.

“Not always,” I said with a shrug. “You haven’t seen Discord. That dude’s like the personification of evil. Minus the classy mustache.”

“...Forgive me. We live in a world where what seems to be evil and what actually is evil are not always the same thing. Is that better?” I nodded. “See there, Taya? Your mother and I work together very well!”

“Mommy would smile at the pony putting a knife in her back,” Taya said. “Working with her is easy. You have to work with me.”

“Which is no easy feat,” I sighed.

“It’s easier than you think,” Fleur said with a warm smile. “She and I are drawn to you, Nav. We both want what’s best for you and we both want you to be happy. She just hasn’t realized yet that I might be what’s best for you and that I might make you happy. I’m sure that once she does, she will calm herself and behave. And then we can all be happy together.”

“Get in line,” Taya said. It appeared that she was done with the conversation, because she grabbed her plate and teleported out.

“What a fucking bitch,” I immediately said.

“Nav, that’s your daughter!”

“Yeah, and she’s a fucking bitch.”

Fleur sighed and looked down. “Why does she hate me?”

“Because you’re not Twilight,” I said.

“What does that mare have that I don’t?” she quietly asked. It honestly sounded like she was close to tears.

I dunno, emotional stability? A shitton of magic? A bunch of really good friends? “We lived with Twilight for some time,” I said. “I think Taya got it in her mind that Twilight and I were made for each other, or something silly like that.”

“...I suppose such a thing might be difficult for a filly to get over.”

“Also, I may have said some impolite things about you. You know, before…”

“I see.”

“Taya will go where I point and do what I say,” I said. “Whether she’ll be happy about it or not is entirely up to her.”

“...Does her happiness mean so little to you?”

“She’s being a fucking drama queen, Fleur. She’ll be fine. She’ll either learn to like you or she’ll drive you away by being a complete bitch. At the moment, she’s trying that tactic. But we won’t let it work, so she’ll learn to like you. You know, eventually.”

“Is there any way we could convince her to even give me a chance?”

“No, because she’s a stubborn bitch. You’ll just have to be stubborn right back. You are here to stay, whether she likes it or not, and her tantrums and bullying aren’t going to change that. Don’t let her intimidate you, because she’ll try.”

“...Nav, what have you raised?”

“I told everyone that I would be a terrible parent. I told Celestia, when she forced her onto me. I told Twilight, when she watched me fuck up time and again. I told Taya herself, when it was decided that I be her guardian. No one listened. Taya is the consequence. I’m really hoping her time here in Canterlot will calm her down, but I’m not holding my breath.”

She sighed. “This may be a problem, Nav.”

“Fucking tell me about it. She’s been a problem for years.”

“This may be a problem for your image, Nav. She is your only heir. If she goes around behaving like this…”

“Odds are, I’ll outlast her. That shouldn’t be a big problem.”

“Perhaps. Consider any possible suitors for her, though. I guarantee that there won’t be many for very long if this is how she acts.”

“Well, she knows not to act up in front of company.”

“...What does that make me?”

“I dunno, family? Whatever. Point is, she’ll behave in public.”

“And at parties?”

“She’ll either behave or she’ll stay out of sight. That’s something I’ve made clear to her before. How she handles her own suitors is up to her. I wish luck to whoever tries to date that thing.”

“Nav… that’s your daughter.”

“Look dude, I fucked up as a parent. I raised a fucking monster. I’m doing my best to rein that thing in, but give me a break. There’s only so much I can do.”

“Your words are very… disheartening. For a number of reasons.” She took her cup with magic and drained the tea out of it. “Shall we see if we can find her?”

“Might as well,” I replied with a shrug.

Fleur set the cup back down and tenderly stood. Her body was probably aching about as much as mine, though most of the aches and pains I had were on extremities that didn’t currently exist. Being a changeling was really fucking weird. Thankfully, I finally managed to put the distracting auras to the back of my mind.

“Good luck,” Jak said as we left the sun room. I flipped him off as we walked away. He just laughed.

Since I’m a fucking outstanding mother, finding Taya was a breeze. She was in the main hall, glaring at the sun room and just waiting. “So, is my good little girl ready for her first day of school?” I asked with a big ol’ grin. Her eyes narrowed. “If she wants her reward, she better be.” Her teeth grit. “Taya, stop being a little shit.”

“That reward better be worth it,” she growled. Keep up that attitude, and I won’t have to bother thinking of one. I lifted an eyebrow. She dropped the nasty look on her face and replaced it with a very fake smile. “Yes, mommy, I’m ready.”

“Good. Do you want me to walk you there?”

Her eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Really?”

“If you want me to, I will.”

“Don’t you think it would be faster to fly?”

“Yes, but I don’t want you using any more magic until we get there. Neither of us know what kind of tests they’re going to make you do, so it’s better to have as much of your strength as possible.”

“It’s just a bunch of basic magic tricks,” she said, waving a hoof. “They’ll probably ask me to levitate a feather or something stupid like that.”

“Probably. But there’s no reason to take that risk. Besides, you’re missing your morning run for this. Might as well walk some of that pudge off instead.”

“Ugh. I’m not pudgy, mommy!”

I reached down and squeezed one of her cheeks. “This pudge disagrees, dear.” She stared at me with sullen eyes, presumably regretting ever having been born. I didn’t want to push her too far, so I let her cute little pudgy cheeks go. “Anyway, shall we?”

“Whatever.”

“Hm? What was that, my good, sweet little girl?”

She closed her eyes and it looked like she counted down from ten. When she reopened them, she once again plastered a fake smile on her face. “Let’s go greet the day, mommy!”

“That’s my girl!”

She sighed in disgust and led the way out. Before we could exit, two guards hopped down the stairs from the second floor and trotted up to me. “Want us to go with?” one of them asked.

“Knock yourself out,” I said with a shrug. “I’ll leave it to you to explain to Doppel why you’re shirking, though.”

“It’s not shirking if we’re guarding our lady,” he replied with a grin.

“Keep telling yourself that,” I answered, booping him on the nose.

His only reply was a cheeky grin.

When we got outside and halfway down the block, Taya looked back at Fleur. “Are you lost?” she asked.

“I know every part of this city like the back of my hoof,” Fleur replied with a grin. “If you’d like, I’d be happy to show you around.”

“I just don’t remember anyone inviting you.”

“Your mother and I have an engagement after we drop you off. A little date before the party tonight.” Taya’s eyed widened. “She thought it would be nice if I walked with her so we can spend more time together.”

“You know what? I don’t think I need anyone to walk me there after all.”

“Too bad. I need some exercise, myself,” I said. “Being cooped up on that ship for so long started giving me a little pudge, too.”

“Then why don’t you ever run with me?” Taya asked.

“Because I’m not always in the mood to exercise. I am right now, so I’m doing it. Really, honey, you should be happy! Don’t you want to spend time with me?”

“Yeah. With you.”

“Well, I’m here. So you’re spending time with me.”

She snorted and muttered, “Always an answer for everything.” I reached over and tousled her hair, because I knew it would make her die a little on the inside.

“The housewarming party is tonight, by the way,” I said. “Which is why Fleur stayed the night.”

“Sure. That’s why.”

“Well, that’s one of the reasons. Her mouth may have also been shoved into my crotch at some point last night, but that’s none of your business.” Fleur blushed bright red, one of the guards quietly whistled, and Taya hung her head. “Of course, Twilight and Queen Moonbeam were also there. It was a whole big bundle of fun.”

“You ever think about a permanent bodyguard?” one of the guards asked. “You know, just in case that Discord thing shows up again?”

“Yeah, I have thought about it,” I said. “That is why Kat is generally my shadow. Don’t worry, she also likes to cuddle up with me at night. You know, to keep me warm in these cold winter evenings.”

“Welp, that image is gonna help keep me warm, too,” the guard replied with a big smile.

“Maybe if you beg real nice I’ll take a picture for you. Anyway, back to the party. A lot of important ponies are going to be there tonight, apparently. It’s my first real shot at fixing my dark and unpleasant reputation and it’s my official welcome back to Canterlot. I don’t know if you’ll be back in time for it. If you are, you can either be a kind and loving daughter or you can stay out of sight. The choice is up to you.”

“When am I ever anything other than your perfect little angel, mommy?”

“Only every time you’re breathing,” I warmly replied. “This is important for me, Taya. More than that, this is important for our family. I want us to have a real chance at surviving the coming storm. This is the first battle in a large, full scale war. You can either fight by my side or you can stay out of my way.”

“...It’s just a party,” Taya slowly said.

“Nothing in Canterlot is ever just anything,” Fleur said. “This party is just one of many moves in an ongoing chess match between your mother and Celestia. One wrong move could potentially lead to a fate worse than death for not just your mother, but her entire family line and all of her allies.”

“Don’t think for an instant that we’re safe just because we’re in Canterlot,” I said. “I have a feeling Celestia isn’t happy with my recent behavior. It doesn’t take much to assume she’ll want me out of the picture once she thinks she’s safe from Discord. If I don’t have my pieces in order before she has enough false confidence in herself to fight him, she’ll have me eliminated. Part of getting my reputation in order is convincing others that maybe Celestia doesn’t need to be running things anymore, if you catch my drift. So when it comes time for events like this, I desperately need your support. Or at the very least, I don’t need you fucking it up just because you didn’t get your way. The time for childish tantrums is over. Starting tonight, there will be no more room for mistakes.”

“...‘Kay.”

“Alright then. So what’s it gonna be tonight, Taya? Are you gonna be my good little girl, or are you going to stay out of the way?”

“...I’ll be your good little filly,” she said.

“Good. Fleur’s gonna be my date.” She missed a step, but thankfully recovered. “Watch out for loose ice, honey. I’d hate for you to miss your first day because you fell and hurt yourself.”

“I’ll be careful,” she quietly replied.

“Good. It would be a shame if you ruined your cute face. Just think of all the suitors you might meet tonight!”

“W-what?!”

“She’s joking, dear,” Fleur said. “Nopony your age is getting invited. Maybe at the next one, though…”

“We’ll find you a colt yet, Taya,” I said, patting her on the back. “Well, unless you find one yourself at school…” Her ears started twitching. “I know there were a few cute colts there yesterday. I know I saw some of them eyeing you…” Her ears really started going haywire, then.

“I would be happy to teach you everything you need to know to turn a colt into putty in your hooves,” Fleur said. “It’s all fairly simple. We might have to do something with your hair, but it would be pretty easy. Why, I could turn you into a charming young filly in practically a heartbeat!”

“You’d have them eating out of your hooves,” I said. “Trust me when I say that it can be surprisingly fun to have a lot of tough manly men jockeying for your attention.”

“Is that from personal experience, ma’am?” one of the guards asked.

“You shut your whore mouth. And yes.” The two of them snickered, of course. “Fleur’s gonna be around whether you like it or not, Taya. Giving her a chance would greatly increase the chances of you liking it. I’m not the only one who could benefit from her help.”

We walked in silence for about half a block. Taya’s ears were still moving around all over the place and I kinda wondered if they were hunting for a signal or something. Finally, she hung her head. “Is… is it really that much fun?” she whispered.

“It certainly can be,” Fleur replied. “Mind, you’ll have to be very careful about offering more than you’re prepared to deliver, but with my help, you can avoid that particular pitfall. I would be most delighted to turn you into the perfect noble filly!”

“Your call, honey,” I said with a shrug. “I’m not gonna make you. I want you to be better equipped for this life, but that choice is entirely yours.”

“...Can I think about it?” she whispered.

“Sure. I doubt the offer’s gonna be revoked.” Should I feel bad about manipulating her like this? Unsurprisingly, no one answered.

That killed the important conversation. Fleur pretty much just talked my ear off the rest of the way there about various bullshit gossip, probably to get any paparazzi something to put in the papers. I really hoped nobody happened to overhear what we had been saying, though.

Once we got to the tower’s gate, I gave Taya a hug and sent her on her way. I didn’t want to walk with her all the way because I had a feeling any protection spells I had cast on me would reveal me as a changeling.

With Taya out of the way, Fleur took me in hoof and dragged me to her fashion person. My two brave guards got a nice eyeful as I got measured, because Equestria doesn’t really believe in privacy curtains. That probably has something to do with everyone generally being nude anyway.

Thankfully, being ogled doesn’t bother me all that much these days anyway.

When I was fully measured, the fashion chick promised to have the dress delivered the instant it was done. The fact that she already had my address should have been disconcerting, but it honestly wasn’t surprising. News travels fast, apparently.

Once we escaped that hellhole, we finally started walking back to the house. Fleur continued her mindless babbling and I did my best to engage her back, though it killed me a little on the inside. Gossip is the fucking worst and pretending to care about something sucks.

Thankfully, I’m a fighter and I made it. When we got to the front door, I sighed and looked down at Fleur. “No offense, but if I have to hear more gossiping bullshit, I might have to strangle you.”

“None taken,” she sweetly said. I nodded and let myself in.

To say I was surprised at the changes in the house wasn’t quite accurate. I mean, I knew Doppel was going to bust her ass to get shit done, but the speed with which she worked was honestly impressive. The small entrance hall was already completely done, with vases full of flowers lining the wall.

One of the female guards was standing at attention in freshly polished armor. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a small bow.

“I see you’ve been busy while I was gone,” I said. I could hear movement all over the house and see several ponies moving tables into the main hall.

“Doppel’s handing out some very unique incentives,” she replied with a shrug. “And none of us want to see Gloomy upset, so we’ve all been doing just as she asked.”

“Well, it looks good in here,” I said. “Here’s hoping the rest of the house is doing just as well.”

“This is the only area that’s actually finished,” she said. “But I’m sure Doppel or Gloomy would be happy to tell you their plans.”

“I don’t know a thing about decorating,” I said. “Cadance bitched about it constantly when she lived with me. I think I’m better off staying out of the way.”

“It might not be a bad idea to learn,” the guard said with a shrug. “But that’s entirely up to you.”

“I keep you guys around so I don’t have to learn things that I don’t want to, silly,” I said. I reached down to tousle her hair, but remembered that she had a helmet on. Instead, I booped her on the nose.

“Please don’t do that,” she said. “At least, not while I’m on duty.”

“Can I rub your belly while you’re on duty?” I asked.

“Only if you can get to it.” Her voice had a hint of an edge to it.

“...Got it. Carry on.” She nodded and went back to doing absolutely nothing while the rest of us continued into the house. Well, Fleur and I did. One of the guards reached a hoof out to poke the other chick on the nose. She slapped it away and growled at him. If he wanted to get mauled, that was entirely his business.

The main hall was a flurry of activity and I didn’t want to get in the way, so I scooted through it and went into the living room. There were a few guards doing their thing in there, but staying out of their way was easy. I just went up to the couch and fell onto it, then immediately said some naughty words because I jammed my tail. Since it was super annoying and I was back home, I just made the damn thing disappear with a flash.

“Being a changeling can be really nice,” I sighed, finally able to relax.

Fleur followed, because of course she did, and joined me on the couch so she could lounge across my lap. “It certainly does seem to have its benefits, but I’m quite happy as a pony.”

“I was quite happy as a human, but now I’m some kind of super fucked up abomination.”

“No you’re not,” one of the guards immediately replied. “You’re our lady.”

“Those are not mutually exclusive,” I said.

“Taya and Gourd told us to tell on you every time you say something self-deprecating,” he said.

“Yeah, well, neither of them are here.”

“I’m sure Doppel would be happy to hear the news, too. She might even reward us for telling her!”

“For telling me what?” my little pet bug asked as she walked in.

“That you’re the best head of household ever,” I hastily replied.

“Oh. Well, I don’t reward ponies for telling me things that I already know. But thank you. Did you get your dress, my lady?”

“It’s being made now. It’ll be delivered as soon as it’s done. I figured I’d stay out of the way, since you won’t let me help. If you need me to, I can head upstairs or something.”

“You’re welcome to stay here,” she said. “Just please stay out of the kitchen and the sun room until we’re done.”

“You got it. Any idea how long that might take?”

“It’ll probably be another two or three hours, if I had to guess,” she said. “Gloomy is arranging each bouquet in the sun room by hoof, and there’s one for each table.”

“Is Fleur allowed to help?” I asked.

“If she wishes,” Doppel replied. “She may be a lady, but she is not our lady.”

“I might supervise, but I will not always be around to help. It’s better that you all learn how to do this yourselves.”

“Well, the guards are bullying me, so I think I’m gonna head back upstairs so I can sulk in peace,” I said.

“You can’t just say everyone that tells you not to do something is a bully, my lady,” Doppel said.

“Says who?”

“Me.”

“Ugh, you’re such a bully.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sulking is beneath you.”

“Don’t worry,” Fleur said. “I won’t let her sulk much.”

“Good. And if she says anything that sounds self-deprecating, let me know. I’ll handle it.” God damn it.

“Of course,” Fleur said with a nod. Since it was obvious that my presence was no longer wanted, I gently pushed Fleur off my lap and stood so I could stalk off. “I believe you’re forgetting something, Navi…”

“What’s that?” I asked, turning back. As I turned, I realized what it was and I made my shitty tail reappear. “I really hate this thing.”

“It’s a part of you, like it or not,” Doppel said. “If you insist upon being a changeling, you need to remember to keep your body in order when you might be seen by someone who doesn’t need to know you’re currently a changeling.”

“Chillax, home skillet,” I said. “It ain’t no thing.”

She mouthed something, but I decided to walk away before she could come up with an actual response. Thankfully, she didn’t bother me anymore.

Fleur and I slowly ambled up the circular staircase, getting up all four flights with ease. And also a little bit of pain, because our bodies were still slightly sore. Once we got to the top, I led the way into my room and she closed the door behind us. “So now what?” she asked.

“We could do some lewd stuff, if you’re interested,” I said. “Or you can read a few of the books I have lying around and I can play around on the laptop. We still got plenty of time to burn.”

“Well, it certainly would be refreshing to have you to myself again. However, I tend to avoid sex before parties. Should we lose track of time, we might not be able to cleanse ourselves before we must make our appearance.”

“Fair enough. In that case, I’m gonna dick around on the laptop. If you know the translation spell, we can watch a movie or something.”

“I do know that spell, actually. It’s one I learned back when that whole anime fad was going on.”

“Is that still a thing?”

“I haven’t the slightest. Probably in some circles. So what manner of movie shall we watch?”

“I dunno. What are you in the mood for?”

“I’m always in the mood for something romantic…”

“Hm… Oh, I know. Wanna watch a movie about a guy who falls in love with a poor woman, helps build her up, catches a horrific disease, leaves her so she won’t mourn his death, then gets over the disease and wins her back?”

“Oooh, that does sound romantic!”

“Cool.” I popped the laptop open and loaded Deadpool. “Shall we, then?”

It did not take her very long to realize that it was not a very romantic movie. That didn’t stop her from enjoying it anyway.

Since I’m nice, I decided to play Titanic after that. Before we got a quarter of the way through, the new dress arrived. It was, of course, a very frilly white sundress embroidered with flowers. Upon trying it on, I realized that it was definitely long enough to fit around the tail without showing off too much. That was unfortunate, because it meant I didn’t have any excuse not to wear it other than the age old excuse of not wanting to.

When we were bored with the dress, we went back to the movie and managed to get three quarters of the way through it before Doppel came up to tell me the decorations were finished. I really didn’t care, but I knew saying that would hurt her feelings. Instead, I sucked it up and went downstairs to look them over.

Since Doppel is a peasant and can get away with having bad manners, she flew down the stairs and waited at the bottom next to a beaming Gloomy. Oh boy, she’s still hanging around… “What do you think?” she asked.

I hadn’t really had a chance to look around much, aside from what little I saw walking down. After taking a moment to do so, I nodded. “I like it.” Thankfully, I didn’t have to lie. There was one large table in the center of the room with a bonsai tree placed on the middle. Several plates were set up around it, though no food was on them yet. “Where’d you get the tree?”

“Don’t ask,” Doppel immediately replied.

The floor had been polished and several flower vases lined the wall. What looked like vines were dangling from the railing of the second floor and each one was tipped with another flower. “Should I ask about the vines?”

“It’s better that you don’t,” Doppel sighed.

“It’s not like the princess ever goes to that part of her garden anyway!” Gloomy said.

No wonder Celestia had these guys doing the shit duties. If she left them in Canterlot, there’s no telling what kind of trouble they’d get in. “In the future, please don’t steal from anyone,” I said. “Especially Celestia.”

“You got it, my lady!” Gloomy said, bouncing in place. “You wanna see the other rooms?”

Not really. “I’d be happy to,” I lied.

“Follow me!” She skipped off to the sun room. The three of us followed, of course. She stopped right on the inside of the room. “Voila!” she shouted, waving a hoof.

“...Wow.” I was honestly kinda impressed. Each of the tables had a completely unique bouquet of flowers arranged on them. The bar was also lined with violets and marigolds. “You did a good job, Gloomy.”

“Thanks, Navi!” Doppel kicked her. “Er… My lady! I didn’t do anything with the backyard, but it’s not too late.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I replied. “Not too many people are gonna wanna spend time out in the cold, I don’t reckon. And I don’t want you to risk getting sick out there.”

“Aww…”

“Um. Did you want to decorate the backyard?”

“Yeah! But Doppel wouldn’t let me…”

“Tell you what, when spring comes along, I’ll let you plant whatever flowers you want out there, as long as they aren’t dangerous or anything.”

“REALLY?!”

“Yes.”

She shot up and hugged me. “Yay! Thanks, Navi!”

“Ahem!” Doppel said, slapping a hoof on the floor.

Gloomy squeaked and pulled away with a blush. “T-thank you, my lady!”

“You’re welcome,” I said, booping her on the nose. She giggled in glee. “You’re exempt from guard duty tonight. Get some rest.”

“Aww, but I wanted to see what everyone thought of my decorations!”

“Fine. You can be on duty if you want. Just, you know, try not to hug anyone or whatever. If you misbehave too much, I’ll sic Watcher on you.”

“That big ol’ teddy bear?” she asked. “I’ll just use my sad eyes and he’ll forgive me!”

“Then I’ll sic Doppel on you.” She gasped in horror. “Now, go make sure your armor’s good to go.”

“It better be,” she said. “I conned Grey into doing it for me. If he hasn’t done it yet, I’ll have to punish him!” She happily trotted off, humming a happy tune.

“What do you think?” I asked Fleur.

“I approve,” she replied with a nod. “I also think it’s about time that you begin preparing as well. Guests should begin arriving in about an hour. We still need to do your hair and your makeup.”

“Can I help?” Doppel asked with a grin.

“You may,” Fleur said.

“You could also take my place,” I said. “I mean, I’m a changeling anyway. I’m sure no one would notice if you—”

“Nope! I’m too happy as your excellent head of household. I wouldn’t wanna be a lady, too!”

“Now come along, Navi,” Fleur said, gripping my hand with magic and gently tugging. “We have much to do!”

Ugh, I should have just died at birth…

Their matching predatory grins did not comfort me at all. I just sighed as they dragged me up the stairs to begin their torture.

Once they were done, I stared at the body-length mirror in silence. Once again, it honestly felt like I didn’t recognize myself. My long white hair had been expertly curled, a flower crown was draped on my head, my face was covered in light makeup, I was wearing a flowing dress, and my eyes looked very dead inside.

“What do you think?” Fleur sweetly asked.

“I thought we just decided not to do this girly bullshit anymore,” I sighed.

“Perhaps you should have informed Doppel.” My maid giggled. “Or perhaps not. This is quite a nice look for you, Navi.”

“Well, don’t get used to it. I’m reserving this for parties and events only. And even that might change after Twilight does her thing.”

“You’re no fun,” Doppel said.

“Ugh. When are the guests supposed to start arriving?”

“Soon. Very soon. Shall we go greet them?”

“After you two,” I said. “I want everyone down there distracted by you two so they won’t try to peek up my dress as I’m coming down the stairs.”

“Then maybe you should have put on panties,” Doppel said.

“Yeah, and maybe you should shut your whore mouth. This dress is a little bit more sheer than I like and I don’t want to risk anyone seeing them through it.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”

“Let’s just do this.” She grinned and curtsied, then led the way out.

When we got to the edge, I looked down. There were two guards in position at the bottom, just waiting. As I walked to the stairs, I heard someone knock on the door. “And so it begins,” Fleur happily said.

I took a deep breath and began my descent.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Six

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Six

Our first guest was ushered in as I slowly ambled down the stairs. It was Twilight Sparkle, and her eyes were all over me as I walked down. When I finally got to the bottom floor, they met my own. “Wow,” is all she could say.

I lifted my arms up and gave her a little spin, letting my dress poof out. “What do you think?” I asked.

“I think you look great,” she said with a warm grin.

Fleur snatched one of my arms with magic and placed it on her neck. “We put quite a lot of work into my pretty date,” she said.

“It looks like you put a lot of work into the house, too,” Twilight replied, looking around. “Where did you get the tree?”

“Celestia’s garden!” Gloomy shouted from the second floor.

Twilight sighed and lifted a hoof to one of her temples. “I didn’t order her to do that,” I said. Gloomy giggled and fell silent again. “I had no idea until it was too late. Hopefully Celestia won’t notice.”

“She’s been so busy with all the work you’ve piled on her that she hasn’t really been able to get out much,” Twilight said. “So with luck, she won’t. Am I the first guest to arrive?”

“I’m afraid your inner nerd is showing,” I said. “No one ever shows up to parties early. Not unless they’re gonna help.”

“Well… Do you need anything?”

“I’m sure Doppel has a spare maid dress somewhere,” Fleur said. “Nav is unfortunately very low on hired help…”

“That’s not true, actually,” I said. “I have plenty of guards. I’m just low on house staff. Not that I’m gonna ask you to be a maid, of course. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to wear the outfit for me, though…”

“I’ll certainly remember that,” she said. “So who else is gonna be here?”

“No fucking clue,” I said with a shrug. “Fleur?”

“...You never thought to ask until now?” Twilight asked.

“She trusts me,” Fleur said with a smirk. “I know Fancy Pants, Soarin’, Queen Moonbeam, and Captain Midnight Blossom will be attending. I only sent out invitations to a few ponies that you might not know.”

“I thought the point of this was to build new alliances,” I said. “I’ll certainly be happy to see some friends, but wouldn’t we be better served by bringing in more new people?”

“The new ponies must understand with whom they are dealing,” Fleur said. “Being seen with such a broad range of powerful friends will be wonderful for your reputation. And bringing in only a few new ponies at a time will make them realize that they are being granted a fairly unique opportunity. There will be a time for large parties later. For now, it’s better to keep things close knit.”

“You’re so adorable when you’re plotting,” I said, scratching at her neck. She sighed in joy and leaned into my hand. Twilight grit her teeth, but chose to stay silent. “So do you actually know that all four of them are coming? Or are you just assuming?”

“I know. I spoke to my ex-husband, Queen Moonbeam, and the captain about it personally. I’ve exchanged correspondence with Soarin’. All of them promised to attend, though Captain Blossom will likely be late to avoid the sun as much as possible.”

“She’s… the vampony, right?” Twilight asked.

“That is correct,” Fleur said with a nod. “Do you have an issue with that?”

“If she’s friends with Nav, I know she’s safe,” Twilight said. “Ever since Nav mentioned her to me, I’ve been interested in speaking to her. I suppose tonight’s my chance!”

“It might be wise if you take Taya in hoof, as well,” Fleur said. “I’m worried that she might try acting up, should she be left to her own devices.”

“Taya told me she’d behave,” I said. “I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. You can watch her if you want, but I don’t think it’ll be necessary.”

“Taya’s always a pleasure to be around,” Twilight said. “She’s quite sweet to those she likes. I certainly wouldn’t mind watching her for you.”

“It’s how she behaves to those that she does not like that worries me,” Fleur said. “And how she behaves toward those she does not know.”

“...Yes, she seems to have ignored all my pointers on how to make and keep friends.” Understatement of the year. “I’m hoping going to school will help temper her.”

“If not, she’ll just have to get her shit together,” I said.

Twilight sighed and said, “She’s a hormonal teenager, Nav, and you aren’t exactly making things easy on her.”

Fleur scoffed. “That filly has things about as easy as they come. She has a wonderful home, a loving mother, all the food she could ever eat, a noble title, more money than she could spend in a lifetime, several loyal retainers, and I’m sure Nav would be happy to give her whatever else she could possibly want.”

“Except for a normal life,” Twilight shot back. “Her original parents were murdered in front of her and Nav was pretty vocal about not wanting to keep her. She’s horrified that he’ll get tired of her and leave her or worse, get killed. Part of why she spends so much time with you is because she’s afraid if she isn’t around, she might never see you again. Given your propensity for almost dying, I can honestly understand that. Because she spends all of her time around you, she never had a chance to get friends. Even if she did, she’s never had any normal interaction with fillies her own age. She has no idea how she’s even supposed to act. She’s scared and confused. She’s seen horrors that have made even veteran soldiers quiver in fear. She’s been lied to and betrayed. I don’t blame Taya at all for her behavior. It may be inappropriate, but it’s hard for her to know what is and isn’t okay to do without testing her boundaries.”

“...I was not aware of all of that,” Fleur slowly said.

“It isn’t exactly something she advertises,” I replied. “It took her a while to tell me what happened to her parents.”

“That’s because you didn’t ask,” Twilight replied. “I knew less than a month after meeting her.”

“And you didn’t think that was something I should know?”

“I thought you did,” she said with a shrug. “How was I supposed to know you’d wait more than a year to ask her?”

“I dunno, because I’m emotionally broken, have a hard time connecting with people, am bad with personal discussions, and hate talking about painful subjects?”

“I was assuming you could make an exception for the filly you rescued and adopted as your daughter.”

“Yeah, well, you know what they say about assuming.”

“...Are you assuming I know what they say about assuming?”

“Go fuck yourself. Point is, Flo had to use my mouth to ask Taya, because I wouldn’t do it myself.”

“That’s… kind of sad,” Fleur said.

“Go fuck yourself, too. I told everyone I could that I’d be a shitty parent.”

“Saying you would be terrible at something doesn’t give you a pass for not attempting to better yourself,” Fleur replied. “For her sake, if not for yours.”

“Can we go back to talking about the party instead of talking about how I’m a shitty person?” I asked. “I get enough of that from myself.”

“Neither of us said you were a bad person,” Twilight said. “We just implied that you were a bad parent. Also, Doppel is glaring at you.”

Doppel happened to be behind me. I chose not to look back. “That’s very unfortunate,” I said with a shrug. “So who else did you invite?”

“Princess Gilda, since she was in town for the contest. Kumani as well, because she seemed to know you.”

“You invited Kumani?” Twilight asked.

“I did,” Fleur said with a nod. “Is that an issue?”

Twilight’s head slowly moved to me. “Is that an issue, Nav?”

“I already had a conversation with her,” I said. “I don’t regret our relationship, but I do understand that it was a bad idea and I’m grateful that it ended with no hurt feelings.”

“Your… relationship?” Fleur asked.

“Kumani was Nav’s special somedragon,” Twilight said. “They were together for a few months when Nav’s trip first started.”

“Things started going downhill when her heat cycle ended and they turned practically icy when I got turned into a chick,” I said. “She finally left when I got trapped in a haunted human bunker at the bottom of the world. I ran into her again while I was a dragon. She didn’t recognize me, but told me and Spike that she wanted to speak to me. I told her about the contest and mentioned that I would probably be in Canterlot. The last time I spoke to her, she seemed to come to the conclusion that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I doubt she’ll come.”

“That would be disappointing,” Fleur said. “I want all of my contestants to get along. Honestly, I was somewhat hoping your home might become something of a gathering place for the others.”

“...Nah.”

“Why not? Kat already lives here and I know you’re at least acquaintances with Princess Gilda and Kumani. The changeling race as a whole seems to adore you, so the changeling representative would likely be delighted to visit. We still haven’t picked the pony candidate yet, but I’m sure she would be happy to meet and speak with the famous Lady Navarone. I don’t know much of your relations with the other races, but I’m sure they’d all be happy to meet you.”

“I think it would be good for you, Nav,” Twilight said. “You can always use more friends!”

“And I’m sure your staff would enjoy the extra company,” Fleur added. “It would give them more chances to show off their abilities.”

I had a feeling that Doppel was back to grinning, but I still steadfastly refused to look. “Because I’m an introverted homebody who finally has a chance to avoid people. I don’t want my house to become the party house. I want to actually be able to relax here, not constantly feel on edge because I have company over all the time. I don’t mind doing the occasional event here and there, but I am going to need time to unwind. I’ve just been through too much bullshit recently. Some time to myself would be nice.”

“...Why would you ever want that?” Fleur slowly asked.

“Some of us happen to enjoy our own company,” Twilight said. “It’s definitely something I understand. Friends are nice, but sometimes solitude is preferable. Especially after so long in such cramped quarters.”

“Unfortunately, it seems that everyone has been conspiring against me,” I sighed. “Kat has been with me as much as possible. If it isn’t her, it’s someone else.”

“We’re not conspiring, Nav,” Fleur said.

“That’s exactly what your other co-conspirators said.”

“And it’s what I’ve already told you,” she sighed. “We’re trying to make your life better, Nav. If you could just get past your strange and unhealthy self-loathing, you might see it.”

“Tch, good luck,” Twilight said. “I’ve been trying to get her over that for years. It’s dug in deep.”

“Well well, it seems I may have found my newest… co-conspirator, according to Nav. Perhaps we should make time to speak in private, Twilight.”

“Perhaps you should both go fuck yourselves,” I said.

“I think that sounds lovely,” Twilight said with a grin. God dammit. “Don’t you feel lucky to have such wonderful friends, Navi?”

“Eat a—” More knocking at the door cut me off. Twilight smirked at me while the guard at the door hurried to answer.

“Put your smile on, Nav,” Fleur said. “It’s starting.”

As soon as the guard started opening the door, the person on the other side kicked it open. It slammed into her face, knocking her back. Doppel immediately jumped in front of me as a familiar white unicorn walked in, glaring. His look of anger turned to shock when he spotted me. “Y-you!”

“...Pelt?” I slowly asked. “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

“I… I heard there was a beautiful unicorn held captive by an evil monster here! I thought this house was still abandoned!” Then why did you knock?

“You wouldn’t happen to have been told this by a hideous green pegasus with bright red hair, hm?”

“That’s the one,” he slowly said.

“The unicorn she’s referring to is one of my employees. In particular, the one I rescued from Pertz, who had kept her in a cage until I saved her. I then gave her a job so she wouldn’t have to live on the streets, since everything had been taken from her. The pegasus you met happens to be insane.”

He slowly lifted a hoof to his forehead, sighing deeply. “I need better sources of information…”

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

He sighed again and walked away, head hung low. The guard slammed the door behind him, then Twilight trotted over to heal her.

“God, I need a drink,” I sighed, turning to walk to the sun room.

Doppel jumped right back in front of me. “There’s no alcohol in the house, my lady,” she sweetly said.

“Of water,” I added as I brushed past her. “Though with none of my vassals here, I wouldn’t mind getting drunk again.” Thankfully, she let me walk past with no more problems. All three of them followed me into the sun room. Two more guards stood watch in there. They both bowed when I stepped in. “Where is Kat, anyway? I figured they would have been back by now.”

“Silver’s upstairs. Spider is out back. Kat is getting ready,” Doppel said. “She’s going to be your shadow tonight, once she gets down here.”

How is this my life? I sank into a chair at one of the tables with a sigh.

“So how do you know that stallion?” Fleur asked, planting herself in the chair next to me.

“He came to Ponyville one day to kill me shortly after I first got here,” I replied. “Twilight wouldn’t let me fight him and got Celestia involved. She talked him down. Then another friend beat the shit out of him, which was kinda funny.”

“None of us were expecting that from Fluttershy,” Twilight said with a grin. She took the other seat next to me. “Wasn’t he also at Lyra and Bon Bon’s wedding?”

“Yes. Apparently he didn’t get the memo about the peace treaty between ponies and changelings. Or, you know, he’s just a bigoted asshole, like most of the ponies.”

“Just the way our divine princess wanted,” Fleur said with a smirk. “It’s interesting how a nation founded upon the ideals of friendship can find itself so… unfriendly.”

“Fear of the outsider is a very dangerous thing,” I replied. “It’s something Celestia wields deftly.”

“And she guards her knowledge well,” Twilight sighed. “It’s… a shame, honestly.”

“Things are going to change soon,” Fleur said. “I just… have a feeling. Old walls are going to come down very soon.”

“That’s a feeling I share,” Twilight sighed.

“There is a time and a place for this conversation,” I said. “This is not that time.” But it might be the place.

“As you wish,” Fleur said, dipping her head.

Thankfully, Doppel was kind enough to bring me some water. I honestly wasn’t that thirsty, but I drank it anyway. As I set the glass back on the table, I looked out into the courtyard. My eyes spotted two flecks moving in from out west. “Looks like Soarin’s bringing company,” I said.

“He didn’t mention a date,” Fleur said. “But the invite wasn’t particular. Are you sure that’s him?”

“There aren’t too many pegasi who fly directly at my house with the speed of a storm,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that’s him.”

“Or Rainbow Dash found out you didn’t invite her to a party, especially one with Wonderbolts,” Twilight said.

“If it’s Dash, you’re in charge of her.”

She snorted. “No one’s in charge of Rainbow Dash but herself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. If it’s Dash, Doppel is in charge of her.”

“I’ll rustle her up a maid dress pronto!” Doppel said with a grin. Note to self: Get a maid outfit for Dash.

“Before they get here, do you want me to turn you back into a human?” Twilight asked. “If anything happens and you lose your concentration during the party, you might have a lot of questions to answer.”

“That would likely be wise,” Fleur replied. “I have a feeling Blossom would be able to tell that you were a changeling as well, which would be awkward.”

“If you don’t mind,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t guess it would hurt.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed and she sent a pulse of magic toward me. After a few seconds, I noticed that her horn was glowing. “That should do it,” she said.

I lifted one of my hands and tried to turn it into a hoof. Nothing happened. “Looks like I’m back to my normal ugly self.”

“There’s nothing normal or ugly about you,” Twilight said.

“Not even my fucked up demon wing?” I asked.

“Not even your fucked up demon wing,” she confirmed with a nod.

“She’s right, you know,” Fleur said. “Your body is most exquisite. One might even call it… tasty.”

“Creepy.” The pegasi were close enough now that I could tell one was definitely Soarin’. The other appeared to be Spitfire. They weren’t wearing their signature uniforms for once. Looks like Soarin’ was in a suit and Spitfire was actually wearing a pretty nice dress. “I guess I’m really popular, now,” I said. “I got the captain herself.”

“She is not a bad friend to have,” Fleur said. “These parties are about networking, Nav. Use your charm to get something you want from them.”

“I have, actually,” I said. “Soarin’s stamina was legitimately impressive. He had me begging, in a good way. Spits refuses to try, though. She apparently isn’t into chicks.”

“That is… not what I meant,” Fleur said. “At all.”

“Way too much information,” Twilight sighed.

“But good to know,” Doppel added.

“Think of it this way,” Fleur said. “They are celebrities. They have good reputations. You are a celebrity. You have a bad reputation. Spend time with them, get them to say good things about you, then your reputation becomes better.”

“I’m just sayin’, I spent some good time with Soarin’ already.”

“Yeah, we get it,” Twilight said.

“Did I mention how flexible he was?”

“Nav, please!”

“Just think about that when you greet his handsome face,” I said, standing up. Twilight groaned and her head hit the table. Soarin’ and Spits did a quick loop around the house before landing in the backyard. The guards opened the doors for them. “Howdy.”

“Heya, Nav,” Soarin’ said. “You’re looking amazing!”

“You ain’t too bad yourself, man. I can’t believe Spits got you in a suit.”

“I had to hurry him up, actually,” Spitfire said. “He was dilly-dallying.”

“A stallion can be quick for many things,” he said. “For a race, definitely. In a fight, absolutely. Getting away from trouble, oh yeah. But impressing a lady? A stallion never skimps on impressing a lady.”

“Well, what do you think, Fleur?” I asked. “You feel impressed?”

“Most definitely,” she sweetly replied.

“You aren’t the only one,” I said. “Though I’m more impressed with the saying than the looks. I didn’t take you for a charmer.”

“He has his moments,” Spitfire said.

“She actually gave me that line,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Way to ruin it,” Spits said, slapping him with a wing. “He’s useless with mares. Especially the pretty ones. I can’t believe he’s scored two dates with you.”

“Oh, are you saying I’m pretty?” I sweetly asked.

“That was never in question,” she said. “Though I do question your judgment. Like I said, I don’t know how you’ve been on two dates with this guy.”

“Would you believe me if I said they were on accident?” I asked.

“Yes, actually. I’ve heard enough weird rumors about you to believe literally anything.”

“Well, there you go,” I said. “I didn’t realize he was asking me on a date until after I agreed.”

“Isn’t that what a stallion is supposed to do with a pretty mare?” Spitfire asked.

“Yeah, which is why I was surprised he was wasting time with me.”

“You just aren’t used to anypony thinking of you as pretty,” Soarin’ said with a grin. “So you were shocked that I did.”

“Yes, actually,” I said. For some reason, it felt like I was blushing. “It’s still… taking some getting used to.”

“Looks like you’re doing pretty good to me,” Spitfire said. “And I love the house, too. Stormview is famous in Cloudsdale. It never stays on the market long. I can’t believe you snapped it up.”

“Going through hell has a few perks,” I said with a shrug. “A lot of money is one of them.”

“Maybe I should join your crew,” Soarin’ said.

“No chance,” Spits said. “You’re mine to order around. She can play with you every now and then, though.”

“Maybe you should pay him better,” I said. “Doppel, what was your last bonus?”

“Oh, I don’t pay that any mind, my lady,” she said. “Serving you is enough for me!”

“It was around four thousand bits,” Twilight said. “Everyone on the crew got it.” Soarin’s mouth dropped.

“...So you lookin’ to hire?” Spits asked.

“Our next destination is Tartarus.”

“On second thought, I think I’m good.”

“That’s certainly a nice bonus, though,” Soarin’ said. “I knew you were getting paid good, but that’s something else!”

“I got stabbed in the back for that money,” I said. “Figuratively, at least. I did literally get tortured for it, though.”

“...Tortured?” Soarin’ asked.

“Nav, we talked about this,” Fleur said.

“...Right. I had a very strong disagreement with the dragon king.”

“And he tortured you?” Spitfire asked.

“The details don’t matter,” I said, waving a hand.

“They kinda do, actually,” Soarin’ said. “Are you alright?”

“Psh, hell no. I’m completely mentally fucked up. That shit was straight up trau—”

“Nav!”

“I mean, I’m fine. His mother ended up legally adopting me, so I became the dragon king’s sister and he stopped,” I said. “I’m trying to get used to civilized society again. I always forget what I can and can’t say.”

“You can say anything around me,” Soarin’ said. “You don’t need to worry about a thing.”

“There is a time and a place for everything,” Fleur said. “This is neither the time nor place to discuss such… dark matters. This is a joyous occasion, a celebration of our dear friend Nav’s return to Canterlot. There’s no need to bring the mood down.”

“Fine, fine,” I said. “I’m just so emotionally dead inside that those kinds of things don’t bother me.” Fleur glared at me. “I mean… Nice weather we’re having, huh?”

“You really are something else,” Spitfire slowly said.

“Yeah, I’m a human,” I replied. “Well, sort of.”

Before she could shoot back with some kind of smartass reply, a new guest entered the room. “Good evening, everypony,” Fancy Pants said as he walked over.

“Welcome to Stormview,” I said as he continued up to me.

He grabbed one of my hands with magic and pulled it to his face to kiss it, getting his disgusting slobber all over me. Seriously, why is this a thing? Ugh. “Thank you for the welcome and the invitation, my lady,” he said. “You’re looking positively ravishing.”

“I suppose Soarin’ isn’t the only charmer tonight,” I said with a fake grin.

“Well, no offense to you, but he’s certainly looking much better,” Fancy replied, turning his appraising gaze to the poor fellow, which turned him bright red.

“Yeah, he really went all out tonight. I think I could just eat him up...” I said with a grin toward him, making his ears start twitching. “I mean, have you ever seen these two out of their flight suits?”

“I imagine you have,” Spitfire said with a dirty smirk. Soarin’s blush went even further down his neck.

“Well, not in a public setting,” I replied with a shrug. “Like I said, I’m honestly surprised.”

“Well, we have to wash them every now and then,” Spits said. “After enough time in them, they pick up a very… unique smell.” Soarin’ actually shuddered.

The next person to arrive was Kat, who was wearing a very demure dress. “My apologies for the delay, Lady Navarone,” she said with a curtsy. “We had a few issues at the library.”

“Did Spider scare them?” I asked.

“No, actually. There was a club for… ugh, cat lovers that was meeting there to research different types of cats. I’ve been invited to all future meetings.”

I smirked and said, “It’s good that you’ve been making friends, Kat.”

“I could do with fewer friends who try to constantly pet me,” she replied. “The belly rubs and ear scritches were demeaning.” Note to self: Pet Kat more.

“I think they’re quite enjoyable,” Fleur said. “Well, when the right person is giving them…”

“Yeah, Nav’s belly rubs are the best,” Soarin’ said.

“You’ve never offered to rub my belly,” Kat said. She almost sounded jealous.

“I didn’t want to get scratched,” I replied. “I thought that’s what cats did.”

“Then you obviously don’t know much about cats,” she said. “Well, we can make up for lost time later.”

It looked like Spitfire might also be interested. I hoped so, because I might be able to turn that belly rub into something lewd. Before she could ask about it, Queen Moonbeam teleported in with a loud pop that made Kat and I both jump. Everyone else seemed unaffected. “Good evening,” she said, looking at me with her pretty green eyes.

“Howdy, Moonie,” I said. Soarin’ and Spitfire raised their eyebrows. I don’t think they were expecting that kind of familiarity with the queen of the changelings. “Are things still going well in the palace?”

“There haven’t been any more sightings of Discord, thankfully,” she replied. “Though Celestia is still somewhat upset with you.”

“Yeah, well, she’ll get over it,” I said. “Or not. Whatever.”

“What did you do this time?” Fancy Pants asked.

“Slapped her in the face twice and called her a lying tyrant,” I said with a shrug. Spitfire actually gasped.

“That… was not wise,” Fancy said.

“She deserved it.”

“What could she have done to deserve that?” Soarin’ asked.

“She was trying to manipulate my daughter behind my back,” I said. “Among other things.”

“Still, to slap the princess…” Spitfire slowly said. “How could you?”

“With my hand. It was surprisingly satisfying.”

“It was also very amusing to watch,” Moonie said. “It’s been quite some time since I saw Celestia so dumbfounded. May I borrow you for a moment, Navi? I would like a word in private.”

“Sure,” I said. “We’ll probably be right back. Feel free to help yourself to the amenities, such as they are.” I walked over to Moonie. She led the way out into the backyard, then used magic to heat the air around us as we began walking to the fountain. “So what do you need?” I asked.

“To apologize yet again,” she said. “It appears that I have an unfortunate habit of putting my hoof in my mouth around you. I do not truly desire to own you.” She finally stopped in front of the fountain and turned to face me.

“I figured an equal partner might be more up your alley.”

“...Indeed. It’s just something I have not had in a very long time. That is what I appreciate most about you, Nav. And it’s something I will very dearly miss, should you not choose me. There are not many who could find themselves my equal.”

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s going to be a really hard choice.”

“...Polygamy is very much legal in my hives, Navarone. Herds are uncommon, but they do exist.”

“That just seems unfair to my partners. I wouldn’t ask anyone to go through that.”

“Should that not be their choice to make, Nav? Or rather, our choice to make. I know I would find such a thing acceptable. I’m afraid I would only have so much time to devote to a partner. Many of your other options might find themselves in similar straits.”

“Well, I don’t like that idea.” My vagina couldn’t take it, that’s for sure.

“Judging by their behavior last night, Twilight Sparkle and Fleur de Lis find sharing acceptable as well. They will learn to channel their jealousy into more productive things, I’m sure.”

“I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Especially given how they were acting this morning. I also doubt my daughter would approve.”

“Your daughter wants to see you happy. I believe that once you grew accustomed to it, you would find yourself quite happy indeed. Promise me you’ll think about it.”

“I will.” Especially at night, when I’m alone and horny. “But don’t get your hopes up.”

“You need not worry about that. It has been quite some time since I felt hope. Shall we return to the party?”

“I mean, I really don’t want to, but we probably should.”

“Hm…” She looked over my shoulder and smirked. “Just one more thing before we do…” She stepped closer and leaned in to kiss me. That was something we could both enjoy and it killed some more time, so I happily kissed her back. When she finally pulled back, it was with a smile. “I do so love putting on a show for your toys.”

Oh fuck. I looked back and discovered that Twilight and Soarin’ were staring quite pointedly at us. Soarin’ was blushing and Twilight seemed somewhat upset. “God dammit, my vagina is absolutely going to regret this.”

“You know you’ll enjoy it, slut.” She used magic to slap my ass, making me squeak in surprise. “Now let us return. I want to rub it in Twilight Sparkle’s face.”

“Trust me, rubbing it in her face is really fun.”

“Tch, harlot.” She finally walked around me and the two of us returned to the sun room.

Thankfully, it appeared that no more guests had arrived. The ones that were already there had broken off into smaller groups. Spitfire was talking to Kat and Doppel, Fleur was with Fancy, and Twilight was with Soarin’. Sure enough, Moonie walked over to Twilight with a smirk on her face. I didn’t really want to get in the middle of that, so I joined Fleur and Fancy.

“So how’s the bachelor life treating you?” I asked.

“Quite well,” Fancy replied. “My only regret is that I waited so long to return to it. My poor old body can scarcely take all I’m asking of it.”

“Apple juice, pineapples, and zinc supplements,” I said. “They’re a horny guy’s best friends. It might be different for ponies, though.”

“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with their benefits,” he said. “What do they do for a stallion?”

“Apple juice makes you produce more cum, pineapples make it taste sweet, and zinc makes it whiter and thicker.”

“Ah. That is… not quite what I meant, but I will certainly keep it in mind.”

“I suggest yoga,” Fleur said. “It helps limber up your body. It also helps with flexibility. You’d likely ache less should you stretch more often.”

“I dunno about that,” I said. “I stretch a certain part of me quite often and it still aches after.”

“Nav!” Fleur hissed.

“What? I’m going to Tartarus. I have to keep my sword arm in shape.”

“...Oh. I thought you meant… something else.”

That’s probably because I did. “I see where your mind is,” Fancy said with a smile. “And how’s the single life treating you, hm?”

“I’ve been enjoying myself,” she replied. “And I’ve most definitely been staying busy. It’s a surprisingly nice change of pace.”

“I’ve been keeping tabs on some of your projects,” Fancy said. “The beauty pageant shows promise. I know a lot of my associates are looking forward to it. It’ll be the first time several of them have seen how other races truly act.”

“I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t been done sooner,” Fleur replied. “I’m certainly happy to be organizing the first one, but you’d think such a thing would have been an event a long time ago.”

“The world is closer now than ever, in some ways,” Fancy Pants said. “Due in large part to the actions of our host.” He finished that with a nod to me.

“I’m not sure I agree with that,” I said, rubbing my neck. “I’m usually just a cog in the machine, someone for the princesses to order around. I haven’t really done much.”

“You’re either very humble or just greatly underestimating yourself, my lady,” Fancy said. “You brokered peace between the changelings and the griffins. And you saved Queen Moonbeam from a Tartarus sentence. You also helped end the civil war in Egypt. And you were apparently instrumental in some kind of peace in the far south between… spiders and monkeys, I believe? Then there was the matter of those criminal groups you helped wipe out. You’ve done a lot to increase the peace and prosperity in this world, Nav. You’re quite the hero and I know many ponies look up to you.”

“It always seems like more of them fear me,” I sighed.

“That may be so, but the right ones adore you,” Fleur said. “And that is all that matters.”

“Hear hear,” Fancy Pants said with a nod. “The ponies who matter like you a lot, Nav. The rest will come around in time.”

“I believe the pageant will help with that,” Fleur said with a smile my way. “Nav has an announcement to make…”

“I’m going to be participating,” I sighed.

Fancy’s eyebrows lifted. “Is that so? I thought you weren’t interested!”

“I wasn’t interested in becoming a noble, either. Life has a way of making me do things I don’t want to.”

“Oh, don’t lie,” Fleur said. “You know you’re looking forward to it!”

“Only so it’ll be over sooner.”

“Well, I know all of your friends and employees are looking forward to seeing you compete. Doppel and Rarity just adore the idea! Hopefully their excitement will be infectious. I certainly believe you’ll come to enjoy it, should you just give it a chance.”

“Probably. I just don’t want to enjoy it.”

“Well that’s just hard-headed,” Fancy said. “Why would you choose to participate in something you don’t even want to enjoy?”

“Fleur guilted me into it.”

“Nonsense. I presented a reasoned argument and you chose to accept the logic.”

“No, I chose to reject the logic. Then you, Blossom, and Kat told me you’d all be hurt if I didn’t accept your advice on the matter, which left me no choice. Blossom’s too adorable to ever see upset. You also threatened me with Kat’s sad kitty-cat eyes.”

“Oh… right. That did happen, didn’t it?”

“I suppose you really did have no choice, then,” Fancy said. “Still, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the experience, even if you dread the thought of it now.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” I said. “I just really don’t want to.”

“And when you say Blossom, are you referring to Captain Midnight Blossom?” he asked.

“Yep. She’s a real cutie-pie.”

“Hm. She was your date for my coming out party, wasn’t she?”

“Sure was. We’re just friends, though. She’ll actually be here tonight, too.”

“So Fleur told me. I never thought to hear a vampony called adorable.”

“Have you ever even seen her?” I asked.

“Oh, of course. I’m not going to disagree, but I would never have thought to say it myself. Especially given that she’s the captain of the guard.”

“I have a habit of doing and saying a lot of things others never would,” I replied with a shrug. “It’s gotten me in trouble sometimes. It also annoys Blossom, which is always amusing. She usually makes this super cute scrunchy face.”

“It’s true,” Fleur said. “I’ve seen her do it and it makes me want to pinch her cute little cheeks!”

“It’s a shame she won’t let me rub her belly,” I sighed. “She might not enjoy it, but I definitely would.”

“There are definitely downsides to being a vampony, I’m sure,” Fancy said. “But can she truly feel nothing?”

“Nothing but pain, according to her,” I said. “And she only feels that when she’s in the sun. I imagine the sun will become more debilitating as she gets older.”

“Which is, of course, why she’s going to be late,” Fleur said. “Neither of us would ask her to go through that, not without extremely good cause.”

“That’s quite understandable,” Fancy replied.

Before we could move on, the next guest walked in. Princess Gilda entered the room with a single griffin guard. She waved him off and joined the three of us. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” she said with a smile. “I must say, it’s strange to see you in a dress.”

“It feels even stranger wearing it.”

“I imagine. It came as quite a surprise to me that your gender was swapped. Is that a normal human thing?”

“Nope. I’m just special, unfortunately.”

“I fail to see how that’s unfortunate.”

“Instead of going into heat for a week, our females bleed from their vaginas for a week. It also comes with extreme mood swings, general irritability, pain, and cramps. Also, I definitely prefer being a guy.”

“Surely there are at least a few upsides,” she said.

“Well, more people are calling me attractive now, so there’s that,” I said. “Guys in my time didn’t get compliments, especially about their appearances.”

“That’s strange,” Fleur said. “Why ever not?”

“I dunno, that’s just how it is. Before I came here, I honestly don’t think anyone ever said a single nice thing about the way I looked. That’s pretty common. No one compliments guys. Now that I’m actually getting them, they always sound insincere and I question the motives of whoever is giving them.”

“That’s… honestly sad,” Fancy Pants said. “Everyone deserves to feel complimented.”

“Yeah, well, them’s the breaks,” I replied with a shrug. “So how are things going in Gryphus?”

“At the moment, slowly,” Gilda said. “Most cities are preparing for a coming festival, during which we know little of note will be accomplished. But in general, things are starting to feel… uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable how?” I asked.

“It is no secret that my father is near death. He’s very old. I fear he has less than a year remaining.”

“That’s horrible,” I sighed. “I really like that guy.”

“Indeed. His loss is going to be difficult on all of us,” she said. “Especially given the new system of government he recently instituted. He’s worried that there might be an attempted coup when he dies, before his successor’s power is fully cemented. There are certainly whispers of discontent with the new way things are going. There are some who would prefer a return to a proper monarchy, along with a return of the war against the changelings. Peace sits poorly on us, I’m afraid.”

“That would be awful,” Fleur said. “Two steps forward and four back!”

“My thoughts precisely,” Gilda said with a nod. “There is no love lost between me and the changelings, but I believe we should have higher priorities than a pointless war. It’s time for our race to move forward into the future, not back into the failed ways of the past.”

“And of course, if there is a coup, you and everything you’ve accomplished would be in danger,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Should it be successful, yes,” she replied. “My kin and I would be hunted down no matter where we attempted to run.”

“...If anything happens, let me know,” I said. “I’m not going to sit by and let my friends get hurt. My help might not be worth much, but you’ll have it.”

“It would be up to my brother to accept or reject your services, but I will be happy to make the offer,” she said. “Though I would prefer you tell him yourself. As I mentioned before, many of our cities are in the process of preparing for a festival. If you have time, you are welcome to visit me in Gryphus next week. I’d be happy to teach you the history of the festival.”

Whoa, what? Did she seriously just invite me to a crazy sex festival? “What kind of festival is it? I heard some of the guards talking about it recently and they mentioned something about fertility.”

“That is correct,” she replied. “It is the oldest tradition we celebrate, the first and strongest breeding season of the year. It dates back to the founding of our nation. There are all manner of events associated with it. Griffins come from all over to the major cities to compete in various events. It’s quite the spectacle.”

“I think I might do that,” I said. “Though I wouldn’t want to take up too much of your time. There’s also the matter of the favor you owe me.”

“Involving the team?” she asked.

“Yep, that’s the one.”

“I have put together a full dossier. I can have them ready to go in three day’s time. Say the word and it’ll happen.”

“I want to do it after the festival. It’s time I put this matter to rest.”

“What matter is that?” Fancy Pants asked.

“I’m going to break into the most secure facility in the world, the place where all the original races were created by the person I would have been, Doctor Anonymous, after Discord caused humanity to destroy themselves in a vast nuclear firestorm. It’s the same bunker we were in when we went to the past.”

“Ah, I see. Do you need any assistance?”

“I think I got all the bases covered,” I said. “Between Gilda’s infiltration team and my own operatives, we should be good to go.”

“The only issue is getting there,” Gilda said. “The closest train tracks are at least a day’s hike away, given the terrain.”

“I have an airship. It’ll meet us in Gryphus.”

“Then we’re all set,” she said. “I had a very accomplished researcher look into it for me. He hasn’t been able to find much, but I’ll have all the information at your disposal when you come visit during the festival. It appears you know more about it than I do, however.”

“I held some information back the last time we met. I’ve learned the error of my ways. That is a human installation created before my kind were wiped out.”

“So there might be more information there?” she asked. “More artifacts like the laptop?”

“I highly doubt it,” I said. “But it’s being guarded for a reason. I’m hoping we can find out why. I’m also hoping there will be some information left, but the place is so old that I’m not holding my breath.”

“That seems like quite a risk for such a small chance of rewards,” Fleur said. “Are you certain it’s worth it?”

“No, I’m not. But I’m certain I’m doing it anyway.”

“That seems unwise, but I suppose it’s your choice to make…”

Yeah, that’s right, it is my choice to make. “Nav is astoundingly tough,” Fancy Pants said. “She’s been through numerous deadly trials. I’m sure if anypony can come out of this safely, it would be her.”

“I suppose, given what she did to Shining Armor, that is understandable,” Fleur said. “But I’ll still worry.”

“What did you do to Prince Shining Armor?” Gilda asked.

“I beat him in the Flankfurt contest.”

“That is not what she is referring to,” Fancy said. “I believe she means the war games, when you ripped out his throat with your teeth in front of his troops.”

“Oh yeah. I also did that.”

“You are quite the warrior, it seems,” Gilda said. “I suppose I got the wrong idea, seeing you lounging about in bed for a month.”

“After I got stabbed through the chest with a wound that magic couldn’t heal?” I asked. “That seems like an unfair judgment.”

“Hm, perhaps. Many griffin warriors brag about their deeds. You never did.”

“I don’t see any reason to brag about fighting or killing,” I said. “Those things should be avoided, not extolled. I figured if any of the griffins understood that, it would be you.”

“Your words have merit, as they often do. My blood sings for battle, but my mind knows peace and words are better. Such is the curse of royalty, I’m afraid. We want what’s best for our subjects, even if we find such a thing personally distasteful.”

“I gotta say, I don’t envy you,” I replied.

“Oh? I thought the last time we spoke, you were the princess’s lover. Is that no longer the case, or do you just not seek marriage with her?”

“That is no longer the case,” I said. “Though I never sought marriage anyway.”

“That is certainly surprising,” Gilda said. “I knew you weren’t particularly interested in me, but I assumed you would attempt to find a partner.”

“Partner doesn’t necessarily mean marriage. Vows are a little too… permanent for my liking. I’d certainly be happy to keep them should I ever make them, but it would take some convincing to get me to agree in the first place. I’d much rather be with someone out of love rather than forced to be with them through a vow. After all, it’s not impossible to fall out of love in time.”

“That’s a very pessimistic way of looking at it,” Fleur said. “Though I do understand your wariness of marriage. I would not be so quick to jump back into it myself.”

Gilda’s eyebrows lifted. “You’re no longer married?”

“We are not,” Fancy said. “Lady Navarone convinced me to reveal that I am homosexual and our marriage was absolved.”

“Ever the catalyst of change, aren’t you?” Gilda asked, looking at me. “Quite impressive, Navarone. I imagine there are many rulers who would be delighted to have you in their retinue.”

“So I’ve heard,” I sighed. “Being an advisor is way too much work.”

“It’s likely the best rank one can own, without a drop of royal blood,” Gilda said. “Even if you lack interest in power, such a thing must be tempting.”

“You’d be surprised,” I said. “Given the choice, I’d retire back to my estate in Ponyville and never give another order again. I never asked for this life and I never wanted it.”

“I’m surprised to see you throwing parties, given that you’re living a life you don’t enjoy.”

“I may not enjoy this life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize its reality. This is the life I have. Trying to deny it or fight it only led to problems. Giving in and going with the flow seems like the best course of action. That, and it’s always nice to see friends.”

“I can’t believe you’re willing to call Chrysalis a friend.”

“One of the upsides of coming from the past is having no prejudices, either positive or negative. I see things for what they are and judge people for how they act in the present, not how they’ve acted in the past. As it so happens, Chrysalis, or Moonbeam as she calls herself now, is a big, cuddly cutie-pie once you get to know her.”

I found myself hugged from behind by buggy legs when I finished with that and Moonbeam stuck her head over my shoulder. “My ears are burning.”

“We’re talking about how cute and cuddly you are,” I replied.

“Well, there are certainly those who disagree,” she said. “After all, it wasn’t so long ago that my entire species were pariahs across the entire world. We were moments away from extinction when Navi here stepped in to save me…”

“Is that how you remember it?” I asked.

“That’s how it was, Navarone,” she replied. “Celestia was fully prepared to send me to Tartarus, which would have been the death knell for the changeling race. You talked her down, then helped us both realize the merits of peace. I owe you a debt I imagine I can never repay.”

“Oh.”

“As I said before, you are quite the hero, Lady Navarone,” Fancy said with a small nod.

“So it seems,” Gilda said. “I’m impressed. Not many would go out of their way to help one such as her.”

“Navarone is certainly one of a kind,” Fleur said. God dammit, all of this is starting to make me blush.

Thankfully, Gilda excused herself, probably to get away from Moonie. Fancy and Fleur also dipped to go get some refreshments. Moonie finally slid off my back and we were joined by Twilight.

“So, are you having any fun?” Twiley asked.

“Eh, I guess,” I said. “I’d honestly prefer to be in bed right now, but this is an acceptable alternative.” I was kind of hoping there might actually be a few people here that I didn’t know, though...

“Well, I’m glad you invited me,” Twiley said. “I’ve never actually spoken to Soarin’ before, though I’ve seen him at a few of the princess’s parties. He seems very nice.”

“That’s because he is very nice,” I said. “I bet if you ask, he’d be another subject for your books.” That made her blush bright red, of course.

“And what books are those, hm?” Moonbeam asked. As much as I wanted to answer that question, I knew Twilight would never forgive me. Instead, I looked at her with a smirk.

Her ears were twitching like crazy and her face was still bright red, but she met my smirk with one of her own. “They’re under a pseudonym,” she said. “Miss Shady Grey. Perhaps you’ve heard of them?”

“...I have, actually. Well well, that’s quite surprising. I take it you are Miss Snow White, then?”

“You take it about as well as she does,” Twilight said. “Navi is my test subject.”

“If you should ever need a guest star, let me know,” Moonie said. “I would have no need for a pseudonym and I’m sure I could teach you quite a lot.”

“I think I might like that,” Twilight said with an even bigger grin. Oh boy, what have I gotten my vagina into this time? “After all, Nav is always telling me that I need to learn more about other races, especially changelings…”

“Isn’t it so much fun to use her own words against her?” Moonie asked.

“You’re both bullies,” I said, crossing my arms.

“You know you love it,” Twilight said, using magic to pat my cheek. Thankfully, it was one of the ones on my face.

“Yeah, but you think it’s cute when I pretend that I don’t.”

“True. But I think it’s sexy when you show that you do.”

“I don’t know, seeing her in denial has its charm,” Moonie said.

I was saved by the arrival of Soarin’, though the smile on his face told me he wouldn’t be much of a savior. “Looks like I picked a good time to walk over,” he said.

“They’re being perverted,” I replied. “But since you’re the perfect gentleman, you would never stoop to their level.”

“I dunno, Nav. Last time you saw me, you asked me to do some awfully ungentlecoltly things to you.” That made me blush even more and got Twilight and Moonbeam giggling.

“Fine, let me rephrase that: You would never stoop to their level at a party full of other people.”

He looked around the room for a moment before looking back at me. “Be honest, Nav: How many ponies here haven’t you had sex with?”

God dammit. I took a quick headcount and sighed. “Not counting the guards… three.”

“Multiple times,” Moonie added.

“And sometimes at the same time,” Twilight threw in there.

“Look, no one’s denying that I’m a massive slut,” I said. “But come on, my cummy laundry doesn’t need to be spread everywhere.”

“You’re the one who brought it up!” Twilight said.

“Yeah, well, you let me do it. It takes more than one to have a conversation, Twilight.”

She rolled her eyes. “Always an answer for everything, Navi.”

I reached down to tousle her hair. “Yep!”

“Oh good, so she doesn’t just do that to me,” Soarin’ said.

“No, she does it with everyone,” Twilight sighed, shaking her head to place her hair back in order. “Well, except for the princesses.”

“After Celestia molested me with her hair, I did my best to avoid it,” I replied. “It’s not worth it.”

“See, there you go again!” Twilight said. “We wouldn’t have to tease you if you stop giving us material!”

“Yeah, but I love being degraded and humiliated,” I said. “It’s fun. Pretending I don’t like it just makes you do it more.”

“So she finally speaks the truth,” Soarin’ said with a grin. “I’ll absolutely remember that, too.”

“Hey, my bed is always open to you and up to two of your friends,” I said. “So feel free to let me know if you ever need a place to chill in Canterlot. Though you won’t be doing much chillin’.”

“I might be asking Spits if we have any recruitment drives planned for Canterlot…”

“That’s quite the generous offer, Nav,” Moonie said.

“Well, I’m occasionally a generous guy,” I said.

“Not anymore you aren’t,” Twilight said.

“...Right, I suppose not. Well, I’m generous either way. You know, sometimes.”

“More like always,” Twilight said. “You definitely got Applejack’s tongue wagging about it. I’m sure the others are talking about it a lot, too.”

“Yeah, well, they need that money a lot more than I do,” I said. “Applejack’s farm might start falling into ruin without her there to maintain it. This’ll give them more of a safety net. I know Pinkie’s probably still set after the last time I gave her several thousand bits, but if not, she’ll be fine now. Rarity’s probably already blown it all on makeup, but maybe she put some aside for her future. Fluttershy’s probably just staring at the letter, wondering what she’s supposed to do with all that money.”

“Open an actual animal sanctuary, probably,” Twilight replied with a shrug. “She’s discussed it before.”

“...I recognize a few of those names,” Soarin’ said. “Especially Applejack.”

“They’re literally national heroes,” I said. “You know, the Elements of Harmony.”

“Oh.”

“And Applejack makes some famous pies,” Twilight said.

“Oh! That’s where I know the name. Anyway, why did you give some mare several thousand bits before?”

“I didn’t think I’d need them and I figured she did. Also, I was being a complete asshole to her and I felt like that might make up for it a little. I got that money by stopping a large crime ring in Flankfurt while we were at the festival.”

“I guess you were doing more important things than I was,” he said. “I was just chatting with groupies and having a good time.”

“That’s just how Nav is,” Twilight said with a shrug. “She’s a real hero.”

I really wish people would stop saying that. “If you say so,” I replied with a shrug.

“She isn’t the only one who says it,” Moonie said. “I don’t know of anyone alive today who deserves the title more.”

“You’re just too used to being ignored,” Twilight said, waving a hoof. “You’ll get used to being a hero one of these days. Until then, it’ll be fun to make you squirm and blush with the compliments.”

God dammit, my face is just gonna stay fucking red all night, I guess. Fortunately, my loyal maid finally came to my rescue. Doppel walked over and quietly cleared her throat to get my attention. “Can I borrow you for a moment, my lady?”

“Of course,” I said. “I’ll be right back, guys.” They all said their goodbyes or whatever and I followed Doppel out. It felt like I was sweating, despite the relatively cool temperature. When we got to the entry hall, she started going upstairs. “So what did you need?” I asked as I followed her.

“To give you a breather,” she quietly said. “It looked like you needed it.”

I sighed in relief. “Yeah.” We stopped at the second floor and she let me into what I’m pretty sure was her room. I hadn’t mapped out who had which room yet, but the slutty outfits and sex toys all over the place kinda gave it away.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Exhausted,” I said, walking over to the bathroom. Doppel followed, of course. “And like I’m getting flattered to death.” I got inside and stood in front of the sink so I could just stare at myself in the mirror. Sure enough, I was still blushing. “...Why does everyone look up to me so much?” I sighed, staring at my reflection. “I just… What did I do?”

Doppel chuckled in glee. “Really, my lady? You have no idea?”

“No! I’m a complete piece of shit!”

“Nav, if you ever say that again, I’m leaving.” Her tone turned very serious.

That got me to look away from myself and at her. She didn’t look very happy. “...Why?”

“Because I’m sick of hearing you demeaning the best person I have ever known. You are so much more to all of us and you know it.”

“I’m dragging you all on a mad quest to save the world. No one wants to be doing this. I feel like I’m just wasting everyone’s time! You could all be so happy doing whatever you want, but instead you’re stuck working for me. How could you be happy about that?”

“Working for you is what we want. All of us. Pony, griffin, dragon, minotaur, cat, naga, and yes, changeling. The only one on that boat that’s really unhappy is you. And maybe Fluttershy, but she doesn’t count. Why are you always pretending you don’t care about what happens to us all, Nav? We all know you would be devastated if anyone on that ship lost their lives, and you’d be horrified if we failed against Discord.”

“Because people I care about get hurt, Doppel.”

“That’s just dramatic and you know it. People get hurt all the time, whether they know you or not. It’s called life, Nav. You’re just afraid to hurt them yourself. I bet you’re afraid you’ll drive someone you care about away, aren’t you?”

“...That’s making a lot of assumptions,” I slowly said.

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

I sighed and looked back into the mirror. “God dammit, Doppel.”

“We aren’t going anywhere, Nav. We want you to be happy. Let us in. Tell us what’s really wrong. If we can understand what’s making you feel wrong, we’ll be able to help you get better.”

“...What do you respect most about me, Doppel?” I slowly asked.

“What do you think it is?” she coyly asked.

“Either my kindness or my forgiveness.”

“Close, but no. I respect your leadership. It’s like nothing this world has seen in a long time and it’s working better than anything else in the world.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “What’s different about me?”

“Kat and I talked about this one day. It’s… difficult to put into words. She and I disagreed how to put it, though I feel her thoughts were accurate. I believe you delegate very well. You have surrounded yourself with very specialized employees and entrust them to do their work with basically no micromanaging. You actually trust your employees. You know we are capable of handling what you assign us and expect us to handle it with no oversight. I’ve spied on a lot of countries and nobles, but none were ever like you. I’ve seen them all, and you’re a step above. I want to work with you because you made me somebody. You turned me from an animal into a true servant with a real personality, just because you were the first person to ever trust me. There were nights when I first started working for you when I’d lie awake at night, wondering when the nightmare would end. When I finally got over the initial anger, I was… floored with how you treated me. With… respect. Like I was an equal. So I decided to earn that respect. That is why I will be happy to serve you until I die, my wonderful Lady Navarone.”

It took me several long and uncomfortable seconds to reply to that. For some reason, my own eyes seemed unreadable to me. Finally, I resorted to the age-old reply of, “...Oh.”

She giggled again and walked over to hug me from behind. She reared up to stand to my level and placed her head over my shoulder to look in the mirror at me. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed, Navi.” That just made me blush even more. “Oooh, I could just eat you up!”

“I-is that an offer?”

“As much as I’d love to have you even more red-faced, I think we’re low on time. Your guests are probably wondering where you are. But I’ll make you a promise, my lady. If you go down there and act like a good little lady, I’ll do so much more than just eat you up. Mmm, we could have some real fun together, now that I have you away from Miss Shady Grey. If that’s what you like, I’d be happy to be your temporary… hmm, owner, so to say.”

“...I thought I was the lady.”

“I think we both know which side of the leash you like being on more, you little slut.” She kissed my neck and pressed her fangs against it.

God dammit, I am gonna be so fucking red when we go back out there. “You’re gonna have to fight Kat off with a stick,” I warned.

“She’ll have her time, but only under my guidance. You may still see other mares while out and about, but in this household, you are mine. Is that understood?”

“...I get a safe word that I can use, no questions asked.”

“Agreed,” she immediately said. She used one hoof to turn my head so she could kiss me and the other moved down to my crotch and became a hand that she pressed against my slit. I suddenly regretted the lack of panties. She finally pulled back and whispered, “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I am yours… mistress.”

“Doppel will do. You are, after all, my lady. My lovely little slutty lady.” She turned my head back to the mirror and did something with her fingers that I won’t repeat, then said, “Now say it to yourself.”

“I-I am… y-yours, Doppel…”

“Yes, you are.” She withdrew her fingers and lifted them to my face. “Clean me up, my lady.” I did so with no complaints. When I was done, she pulled them out and turned them back into a hoof. “That’s just a… ahem, taste of what is to cum.” I’m giving her the benefit of that doubt in assuming that was what she really said. “Now shall we return to the party? I’d love to make you fuck Soarin’ tonight.”

“I’ll see which way that wind blows,” I said. “I came here with Fleur as a date tonight. It would be rude to send her packing when the party was over instead of inviting her to stay.”

“Fair enough. Are you ready to head back now?”

“Don’t you think I should let the blush die down?” And maybe get a towel for my crotch?

“Hm… No. In fact…” She giggled and said, “Be right back!” She trotted off, still giggling.

“What have I done?” I asked myself. I couldn’t tell if my eyes held fear or glee. Either way, they didn’t have answers.

I went to reach for a towel, but Doppel was back before I could with two things. The first was a garter belt. The second was a bullet vibrator with a remote.

“Oh, fuck me,” I sighed, eyeing it in horror.

“That’s the plan!” she said. “Sit still, my lady.” She lifted one foot and slid the garter belt up as high as it could go, which was thankfully below the bottom of the dress. She slipped the battery pack in it and forced the… the vibrator into me as far as she could. Once that was done, she lowered my leg and hopped back. “We’re gonna play a game, my lady!”

Oh dear god no… “What kind of game?” I slowly asked.

“One with lots of positive… or negative reinforcement! You’re gonna be the perfect lady or you’re gonna get to cum in front of everybody! Each time you misbehave, I’ll turn the dial up until you get better. Misbehave too much and… Well, you’re gonna have a hard time hiding the smell.”

“...Do I have a choice in this?” I asked.

“Choose your safe word and then use it,” she said. “That’s your only choice.”

“If it gets to be too much for me, I’ll send you for something,” I said.

“Deal. Just a quick test.” She flicked the remote and turned it to what I was really hoping was max, because much higher and I would have had quivering legs. As it was, I whimpered and flinched. “That was the lowest setting.” Why have you forsaken me, god? “What do you think, Navi?”

“I think I’ll behave,” I immediately answered.

“Perfect! Then shall we?”

“Of course, Doppel.” She cut the remote off and led the way out of the bathroom. As I followed her, I realized the way I was walking moved the thing around in me, making me shiver and slow down. For better or worse, I had to walk more… ugh, ladylike. God dammit, I wonder if it’s too late to reconsider. As if sensing my thoughts, Doppel turned back at her door with a disturbing smile, then pumped the vibe again. I wonder if the time guys could send me back to before I was born so I could kick my mom in the stomach.

That wasn’t a productive train of thought, so I just tensed my body up, tried to think calm thoughts to hide the blush, and then followed her out the door and down the stairs. Waiting for me at the bottom was a friendly vampony, wearing a cute little dress. “Heya, Nav,” Blossom said, hopping up to hug me.

That was unexpected, but I hugged her chilly body back. “Nice to see you, Blossom. I didn’t realize it was nighttime already.”

“Yep! I had one of my soldiers wake me up early so I could get ready. She was even nice enough to do my makeup!”

“Well, you look even more cute than usual, so I think she did a good job.”

She let me go and took a few steps back to look me up and down. “I’m not the only one, Nav.” She licked her fangs and said, “I could just eat you up.”

“If you need a snack, I’m happy to help,” I said.

She sniffed and looked down. “It smells like you’re in heat. Are you bleeding again?”

“...Oh shit, it’s about that time of month.”

“You’re not bleeding, my lady,” Doppel said. “I believe you would have noticed.” Or at least, she would have noticed.

“Still though, it’s close, which really sucks.” And might explain why I’m hornier than usual. “Anyway, yeah, I’m not bleeding yet.”

“Oh, too bad,” Blossom sighed. “Oh well. I could still use a light pick-me-up, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Doppel cleared her throat. “I think it would be better if I—”

“Changeling blood is disgusting,” Blossom said, scrunching up her nose. “It always makes me sick.”

“Kat, then,” Doppel said. “You shouldn’t let her endanger you, my lady.”

“I don’t mind, really,” I said. “I do the same for you all the time, Doppel.”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?” Blossom asked, turning her scary vampire eyes on Doppel. “What you take from her drains her just as much as anything I could do. I saw Shining Armor after your queen got to him. At least I’ve never sucked anyone to the point of death!”

They had a small glaring contest, which made me sigh. “First of all, Moonbeam isn’t Doppel’s queen anymore. Doppel is mine. Second, Moonie’s actually kinda here. Well, in the sun room, anyway. Third, I’d be happy to let either of you suck on me whenever you want, as long as it wasn’t adversely affecting me too much. That said, at the moment, I have a better idea. Do you remember how we talked about getting Twilight to write that book about you?”

Blossom finally turned her gaze back to me, once again smiling. “Of course, Nav. I’ve put some thought into what I want to talk about in it, too.”

“Good. She’s here tonight as well. I’d like to introduce you more formally. I want you to ask her if she’d let you drink her blood.”

“That’s… not something I’d feel comfortable doing in front of everyone.”

“If you want people to be comfortable with you, you be comfortable with them. It might be embarrassing or whatever, but think about how I feel in a dress. I damn sure don’t wanna be a woman, but I’m doing my best anyway. Let’s see you do your best at being a vampire.”

“...Alright. I can try that.”

“Cool beans. Let’s go talk to Twiley.”

“Oh, it’s Twiley, now?” Blossom asked with a grin.

“You can call her Twiley if you want,” I said with a shrug. “I do it all the time and she loves it.”

Blossom looked over at Doppel, who simply nodded. Blossom giggled and said, “Twiley it is, then.”

She joined me as I began walking to the sun room. Doppel followed behind us with a grin. It seemed that a few other guests had arrived in our absence. I kinda sorta recognized them from various meetings around Canterlot, but I didn’t know any of them by name.

As soon as we entered, Fleur started making a beeline for me. I really wanted to get Blossom talking to Twilight quickly, but I wasn’t about to ignore Fleur. I stopped and waited, letting her catch up. “Welcome to the party, Blossom,” Fleur said. “You look gorgeous!”

“Why thank you, Miss Fleur,” she sweetly replied, bending her front knees for a moment. “I see you actually managed to make Nav look like a proper lady. She’s even walking properly this time!” That’s more the toy than Fleur, but whatever.

“It’s ever so troublesome to get her to behave,” Fleur sighed, shaking her head.

“Not anymore,” Doppel sang as she held up the remote.

Fleur’s eyes went wide when she saw it. “Is… is that what I think it is?”

“Yep! She agreed!”

“Ah, I knew you couldn’t resist,” Fleur said with a huge grin. “Now that Doppel is in charge of your training at home, you’re sure to become a proper lady in no time!”

“This was your idea?”

“You can thank me later,” she replied, grabbing the remote with magic and flying it over. “I assume that I may borrow her for the night?” she asked Doppel.

“Of course, Lady Fleur,” Doppel said with a curtsy.

“You fuckers played me!”

Fleur toggled the remote, making me whimper. “You will watch your language, Navi. I saw how you responded to Queen Moonbeam and Twilight Sparkle. I see what you really like now. So I’ll give it to you better than either of them ever could. In the end, you’ll be begging me for more. Is that understood?”

“We’re gonna talk about this later,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

“As you wish. But unless you say the safe word, which is release, I am holding this remote,” she said, thankfully turning it off. “Now let’s go introduce you to your new visitors. And remember to be on your best behavior, Lady Navarone.”

I wonder how long it would take them to realize I’m jumping off the side of the cliff… “Think you can handle meeting Twilight on your own?” I asked Blossom.

“I’ll introduce her,” Doppel said with a sweet smile.

“I’m not afraid of a little social contact anymore,” Blossom said. “I’ll be fine introducing myself.” She walked over toward Twilight, who was currently talking to Fancy and Gilda. I really hope Twilight doesn’t find out about all the shit I told Gilda. That could be awkward. When Blossom left, Doppel rolled her eyes and stalked off, muttering. Guess the two parasites don’t get along very well.

I didn’t have too much time to think about either of those, because Fleur was pulling me by the arm toward the people I didn’t really know. I mentally steeled myself and put on my queenly empty grin.

About half an hour later, I was strongly considering ripping my dress off and using it to strangle someone. Fleur fucking dumped me on the three most airheaded ponies she could have possibly dredged up. One was a celebrity, one was a noble, and one was some kind of famous artist. Between the three of them, they might have had enough of a brain to satisfy a goldfish.

But they were apparently all very important, so I was smiling and nodding on the outside while inwardly plotting some brutal revenge on Fleur. Every time I started to make an excuse to leave, the vibrator pulsed, telling me that Fleur was still watching me like a hawk, even if she wasn’t actually there standing next to me.

Right as the urge to kill started to truly overpower me, a guard walked in from the entryway and up to me. “You have a few visitors, my lady,” he quietly said.

“Do they not have invitations?” I asked.

“No, my lady. They’re mages from the tower. They walked Taya home and would like to speak to you.”

“I’ll be right there.” He bowed and began walking out. I turned back to the airheads and said, “I’m afraid I must cut this short. I have a few important visitors from the mage’s tower I need to speak to.” They all said their own stupid version of goodbye and I thankfully walked out to the entryway, sighing in relief.

Sure enough, three of the members of the Seven were in my entryway. Taya was standing next to the head of destruction, but ran over to hug me when I entered. I hugged her back, of course, though kneeling doing so probably flashed the mages. “Good afternoon, Lady Navarone,” the head of destruction said with a nod.

“Howdy,” I said. “And it’s good to see you, Taya. How’d you do on your tests?”

“I passed all but one,” she sighed. “And they won’t let me skip the stupid beginner course for the one I failed.”

“Which one did you fail?” I asked.

“Alchemy. Apparently that’s one of the things they teach.”

“...Alchemy isn’t magic,” I said. “It’s science, using magical ingredients.”

“All the same, rules are rules,” the head of destruction said. “The introduction courses are all very simple. Given her abilities in a few of the other fields of magic, she should have no issue passing it. Several of us were quite impressed with her capabilities for destruction.”

“Yeah, she sure loves blowing stuff up,” I said. “You’ll have to be careful with her. She’ll hurt someone if you don’t take precautions.”

“We always do. Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why three of us decided to walk her back.”

“I’m not, actually,” I replied. “You’re gonna try your luck against the maze.”

“That is correct.”

“Well, follow me,” I said. “I want to talk to Athena before you enter.”

“As you wish,” he said with a small bow. I finally released Taya and started walking up the stairs. She snorted and teleported up. The other mages joined her, because they’re all geriatrics with no patience. By the time I got to the top floor, Taya had already sequestered herself in her room. I led the mages into my room.

“That’s quite a view,” one of the other mages said.

“Yeah, it’s always something nice to wake up to,” I said. “You should see it when there’s a storm coming.” I walked over to the desk, where I kept the book. “I’ll be right back.”

Before they could reply, I opened the book and got sucked inside. The first change I noticed was the lighting. It was much brighter and the light had a more golden tune to it. The second change was that a significant portion of the dust and grit was gone. The place was actually clean. Most of the piles of books had been placed back on shelves and all the books had been organized. Hera works fast, god damn.

I didn’t have long to look around. Before I could go hunting for Athena, I got hugged from behind by peacock feathers. “Welcome back, my dear friend,” Hera said. She pulled me even closer with her arms and continued, “You’re looking quite delightful this evening, Nav. Are you all dressed up just to see me?”

“I’m having a party, actually,” I said. “The mages came by and want to enter the maze. I just wanted to let Athena know.”

“Oh, you didn’t come back to see me…?” she asked.

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re quite the pleasure to see,” I said. “But at the moment, I don’t really have time to stay and chat.”

She sighed and released me, which let me finally turn to look at her. Her dress was just as tantalizing as last time, of course. “Oh, very well. But I do hope you’ll visit again soon. I think you’ll come to enjoy your time with me.”

“I’m sure. Is Athena available?”

“I am,” the old lady said, suddenly appearing next to Hera. “My maze is prepared. The mages may enter.”

“Alright, cool, I’ll let them know.”

“Before you go, I have a gift for you,” Athena said. She held out her hand and a book appeared on it. “Hera has been relentlessly going through every single one of my things. A side effect of that is that I have found many books I thought long lost. This is one of them.”

I took it and looked at the cover. I honestly didn’t even recognize the shapes on it as words. They were utterly alien to me. “What is this?” I asked. “Some guide on how to kill Discord?”

“I’m afraid not,” Athena said. “It is a book on tree siblings, written by an ancient tree brother of great power. It details all of their powers and abilities. With this book, you can learn what you are capable of and what to expect in the coming years, as your body continues to change. It is from a culture that died out ages ago, so you will need assistance reading it. I recommend you do so soon.”

“...I’m not really certain I want to. But I guess it’s better to be prepared for what’s to come.”

“I skimmed it before deciding to give it to you,” she said. “I recommend you read this book as soon as possible, Navarone. The skills you already possess that you do not know about will be very, very valuable.”

“Do you have any examples?” I asked.

“You can plant a tree that will grow into a replacement you. Should you ever perish, it will sprout and you will be born anew with all of the memories you possessed up until planting it.”

“Oh shit.” Given my tendency to keep records of most of what I do, that could be extremely valuable. “Alright, I’ll make time to read it. Thank you, Athena.”

“Ahem,” Hera said.

“And thank you for finding it, Hera,” I said.

“You’re welcome, my dear friend,” she sweetly replied.

“Now, I’m gonna head out and talk to the mages. If they don’t pop out in a few hours, I’ll check their progress.”

“Should all three still be alive when you check, my book will not open,” Athena said.

“Well, that’ll be a good enough status check. See you soon.” I turned back to the pedestal and opened the book there, sending me back to my room. I placed the book from Athena next to the portal and turned back to the mages. “She’s ready.”

“Would you allow us to take the book back to the tower?” the destruction guy asked. “We would like to ensure it’s kept safe while we’re absent.”

“I want to be able to check up on you guys in case something happens and you get delayed,” I said. “When you succeed, I’ll let you take it back for a little while.”

“Very well. Then with your permission…?”

“By all means,” I said, stepping out of the way. The three of them stepped forward. One of them looked at the laptop that was sitting on the desk for a few long seconds before shaking his head.

“Are we all ready?” the destruction guy asked. They both gave affirmatives. “Pop your potions.” All three of them used magic to place six potions each on the table. They drank them one by one, shuddering at the taste. Once all of those were gone, he nodded to the one on his right. She used some kind of spell that put a faint glimmering sheen over all three of them. With that, the destruction guy finally opened the book and the three of them got yanked inside.

“Good riddance.”

Since I was finally alone, I took a deep breath and slowly let it out, then went to the bathroom for a towel. Once I was dry, I walked over to the dresser and pulled up a thick pair of panties, then shoved a washcloth right in my crotch to catch any excess liquid. That way, at least if Fleur did tease me too much, it wouldn’t really get visibly noticeable.

With my preparations in place, I took another deep breath and walked back out. Taya was waiting on the other side of my door, wearing an unreadable expression and a relatively plain dress. “How’s the party?” she dully asked.

“I’m tempted to stay up here.”

“Do we have to go down there?”

“Part of growing up is learning that sometimes, you have to do things you really don’t want to. Trust me when I say that it’s not an easy lesson to learn.”

She sighed and said, “I know, mommy, I know…”

“Well then, shall we?”

“After you.”

When we got back to the sun room, I discovered that Fleur had corralled all her idiots and was holding their attention fairly well. She didn’t notice me entering, so I led my daughter over to Twilight and Blossom, who were sitting at one of the tables and talking.

Taya’s super loud hooves made Twilight look up and she grinned when she saw the two of us. “How did your tests go?” she asked.

“I failed alchemy,” Taya said.

“But passed all the rest,” I immediately added.

“It’s okay, I failed all my alchemy classes, too,” Twilight said. “It isn’t real magic anyway. It shouldn’t even be a part of their program.”

“Tell them that,” Taya said.

“I did. They told me that if I didn’t want to abide by their rules, I was free to learn elsewhere. Since I was already Celestia’s student, I decided I didn’t need them anyway. Still, between Zecora and Nightshade, you should have no problems learning everything you need to know for the introductory course. How’d you do on the destruction test?”

“They never saw anyone crumble a stone target with sound before,” Taya said. “Apparently most students throw fire at them.”

“Sound is a very underrated group of spells,” Twilight said. “With the right combination of spells, you can very easily subdue any number of ponies. I suggest you keep that in mind while dueling in your coming courses. Most unicorns would never think to protect against that.”

“I’ll remember that,” Taya said with a discomforting grin. “I’ll be taking more destruction tests tomorrow so they can decide which classes I should start with. It’ll be nice to have some way to really test my powers.”

“Fighting giant spiders and zombies wasn’t enough?” I asked.

“Tch, those were easy,” she said. “The spiders were too crunchy and the zombies were too squishy. I bet a few of the mages in that tower might give me a true challenge.”

So much for her being cute tonight. Oh well. “As long as you’re careful,” I said. “I don’t want you to hurt anyone. Or worse, get hurt yourself.”

“I’ll be fine,” she replied, waving a hoof.

“You better. Anyway, this is Captain Midnight Blossom. I don’t think you’ve ever met her. Blossom, this is Taya.”

“Nice to meet you, Taya,” Blossom said with a grin. “Your mother’s told me all about you.” I mean, not really, but I guess it sounds nice.

“That doesn’t really sound like her,” Taya said. “But she’s definitely told me all about you. You’re the vampire, right?”

“That’s right,” Blossom said with a nod.

“Cool. Can you turn me into one, too?”

“W-what?”

“Can you turn me into a vampire? I wanna live as long as mommy, so I can keep her safe.”

“Taya, Blossom’s not gonna turn you into a vampire,” I said.

“Says you. It’s her decision to make!”

“Taya, I’m not going to turn you into a vampony,” Blossom said.

“Why not?!”

“Because this is very much a cursed existence. I accept what I am now, but I would never wish it upon another. Besides, I know Nav would never forgive me.” Taya kicked the ground and started muttering.

“While we’re on the subject, how does one get turned into a vampire?” Twilight asked.

“The vampony sucks out all the blood of his victim, then forces her to drink his vampiric blood. We start out very weak and disoriented because of it, but our powers grow and stabilize as we feed on blood.”

“That sounds awful,” Twilight said.

“It was. I was like an animal when I first woke up. Thankfully, I don’t remember much of it. I only really came to after I killed the vampony who turned me. I had just enough presence of mind to remember my training. The only way to kill vamponies is with a stake through the heart.”

“Does it have to be a stake?” I asked. “Or would anything work?”

“I suppose anything through the heart would work, as long as enough of the heart was destroyed. As far as I know, we can regenerate from almost anything else, aside from complete bodily destruction.”

“What if the heart was removed?” Twilight asked. “There are spells for that in the necromancer’s text I’ve been reading. It’s possible to keep organs functioning outside of the body so you’ll be less vulnerable to attack.”

“I… have absolutely no idea,” Blossom said. “I didn’t even know that was possible. I don’t think I’d like to be your test subject, either.”

“I’ll do it!” Taya said. “If you make me a vampire, that is…”

“I’m not making you a vampony,” Blossom said, rolling her eyes. “Besides, shouldn’t you wait until you’re older?”

“I’m already passing my optimal cuteness age,” Taya said. “If I wait much longer to become immortal, I won’t be mommy’s little girl anymore and I can’t use cuteness against her enemies!”

“...I can’t tell if that’s cute or creepy,” Blossom slowly said.

“Welcome to my world all the time,” I replied, tousling my little filly’s hair.

“Ugh. I’m gonna wear you down eventually, even if I have to fight dirty to do it. Why can’t you just give up already and give me what I want?”

“Because… I’m not gonna do that?” Blossom replied. “I don’t care how dirty you fight. I’ll just tell Nav on you and he’ll rub your belly until you behave again.”

“Don’t tell her that!” Twilight said. “That’ll just give her incentive to keep asking!” Taya nodded.

“Wait, do ponies actually enjoy belly rubs?” Blossom asked. “I thought Fleur was just faking it.”

“They’re the best!” Taya said.

“Isn’t that… I dunno, demeaning?”

“Not at all,” Twilight said. “It’s only demeaning if you think it is, and I don’t see why you would. Nav most definitely enjoys giving them and we absolutely enjoy receiving them. It’s a very mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“Plus, most ponies make super adorable faces when I do it,” I said. “I’ll conquer your belly one of these days, Blossom. Just you wait.”

“It’s not like I would feel it anyway.”

“You don’t know that! I bet even vampires love belly rubs. Stop being so recalcitrant and just let it happen, silly.”

“Why would you want to rub her belly, anyway?” Taya asked. “Isn’t she cold and clammy? Wouldn’t you rather rub mine instead?”

“It’s the principle of the thing,” I said. “Being told I can’t only makes me want it more.”

“And now it sounds creepy,” Blossom sighed.

“There’s nothing creepy about belly rubs, geez.”

Blossom started to reply, but her head jerked to the door and her eyes went wide. “Uh… Nav?”

I followed her gaze and unwillingly muttered, “Oh shit…”

Princess Celestia was standing at the entrance to my sun room, a wide grin on her face. I had a feeling that Fleur didn’t invite her. A part of me wondered how she even knew I was having a party. Either she was eavesdropping at some point or she was having me watched. That was neither here nor there, however. I did my best to compose myself and walked over to her before she could come to me.

“Welcome to Stormview,” I said, trying to sound happy to see her. It probably didn’t work.

“Greetings, Lady Navarone. I’m afraid I didn’t bring my invitation; it must have gotten lost in the mail.”

“I didn’t send them by mail. They were all hoof-delivered.”

“Then I’m afraid you might need a new delivery pony. Your current one seems incompetent.”

“Well, he is one of your old employees, so probably.” Fucking wrecked.

She chose to take the high road and instead cast her gaze around the room. Several more of my guests had noticed her arrival and were blatantly staring at us. “You’ve brought quite the crowd, Nav. A queen, a princess, athletes, nobles… I haven’t had this prestigious of a crowd since the Gala! If you aren’t careful, you might make me jealous.”

Maybe if you didn’t have a habit of murdering the shit out of your nobles, more people would attend your stupid parties. “There’s no reason to be jealous of a gathering of friends, Celestia. Rank need not define us here.”

“Those are very dangerous words, Navarone. This world is defined by its ranks. You would do well to remember that.”

You would do well to remember who you’re dealing with. I’m going to enjoy toppling your world down around you. “This world, perhaps. But to friends, I see no reason to let it come between us.”

“Friends don’t typically slap each other.”

“You know how I get on my period, Celestia.” Of course, I wasn’t on my period, but she doesn’t know that. And I didn’t technically lie, so let’s see your bullshit lie detector pick that up. “I was… not pleased to hear that someone was trying to influence my daughter.”

“The world is full of influences, Navarone. If you believe that the mages at the tower will not try to use her to sway your mind, you are a fool.”

“I can slap them around a lot more often than I can slap you around.”

She actually smirked. “There is truth in that. Just remember that there are things I could teach her that they could not. Things that could be most beneficial on your journey to Tartarus.”

“What Taya needs to learn is social skills, and I saw how well you taught those to Twilight. She can learn how to socialize in school. If I happen to need any spells you could teach, it’s a very good thing Twilight is going with me.”

“Indeed. I see that she is in attendance as well. But you didn’t see a need to invite the other Elements of Harmony?”

“Twilight is... a lot more predictable than the rest of her friends,” I said. “She also happened to have already been in Canterlot.”

“Hm, I see. And the fact that she’s a famous author has nothing to do with it?”

“Nope, nothing at all.” I’m honestly not surprised that she knows. “You know, I gotta say, I’m surprised you decided to come to a party. I thought you didn’t typically do that.”

“I like to make exceptions for good friends, to remind them that I’m always keeping tabs on them. I’ve learned that it’s a good idea to keep your friends close. It’s much safer that way.”

Safer for them… or safer for you? “Well, you’re always welcome at Stormview.”

“Hm. You know, I’m surprised you moved in here. I always thought you were too superstitious to own a house with its kind of history.”

“I don’t know much about it, actually. The real estate agent didn’t go into much detail. She was too busy being literally insane.”

“Oh, I see. You know, that tree in your entryway looks awfully familiar.”

“Well, if you’ve seen one bonsai tree, you’ve seen them all,” I replied with a shrug. “They do all look pretty similar.”

“I find myself asking where you might have gotten one in the middle of winter.”

“My staff is very resourceful, but I don’t bother myself with micromanaging them. If you want one like it, you’ll have to ask them where they found it. I believe Gloomy is the one who picked out the decorations.”

“I admire how you always have an answer for everything, Nav. But one day, I believe I’m going to ask you a question that will choke you up.”

“Hopefully that day doesn’t come soon.”

“Hm.” She looked over to my side, where I could hear some loud hoofsteps approaching. “Hello, Moonbeam.”

“Greetings, Celestia,” Moonie replied. “I hadn’t realized Nav invited you.”

“That’s because she didn’t,” Celestia said. “But I saw no reason to let that stop me from visiting my good friend.”

“Aren’t you a little old to be gatecrashing parties?” Moonie asked.

“One is never too old to have fun,” Celestia said with a very mischievous grin. “You know, I’m surprised to see you here. When you told me you had something critically important to attend, I never thought you might mean a party!”

“Well, I understand that your priorities are skewed,” Moonie said with a shrug. “Perhaps you should get out more, maybe make a few new friends. You know, this might be a good time to do that. Would you like me to introduce you around?”

“That won’t—”

“Excellent. Come along, Celly!” Moonbeam grabbed one of Celestia’s legs with magic and actually dragged her away. Holy shit, you fucking go, Moonie!

Fleur didn’t waste any time joining me, now that Celestia was no longer an issue. “What is she doing here?” she quietly hissed.

“No clue,” I just as quietly replied. “She said she’s here for the party.”

“And you let her stay?!”

“What, do you expect me to kick her out?”

She sighed and hung her head for a moment. “Okay, this isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it could be good, as long as we can keep her from saying anything negative. It isn’t often that Celestia attends private parties. This could do you no end of good, if we play it right.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and put you in charge of that. I guarantee you I’ll find some way to fuck it up, and—”

She cut me off by turning the vibrator up. “Language, Nav.”

“Celestia is here! Is now really the time for that?”

“That’s not the safe word I hear…” We had a small staring contest. I eventually sighed and looked away. She giggled and turned the vibe off. “I will attempt to handle Celestia, but I have no idea how effective I will be. We might be better off letting Queen Moonbeam handle her.”

“Well, keep an eye on them. Celestia’s currently pretty upset with me, so I think I’m better off avoiding her for the rest of the night. That might be the best case scenario.”

“As you wish. Luckily, things will likely begin winding down soon. I doubt many of the guests will want to stay here too much longer.”

Looks like I just might make it after all. “At least there’s that. Feel free to take over Celestia whenever you want. I’m gonna go find some food.” And maybe see if I can hide for a few minutes.

“Don’t stay gone for too long, missy. If I have to go find you, you’re gonna regret it.”

“I would never think of it,” I hastily lied. Her horn lit up and she went cross-eyed to look at it. “Well, I wouldn’t actually do it.” Her horn stayed lit up. She turned her judgmental eyes to me. “Anyway, have fun with that!” I quickly beat feet, thanking whoever might be listening that they didn’t shove me in heels.

Thankfully, all the food was in the entry hall. Given the view of the sun room, all the important people were congregating there. The only ones with me were a few guards and Silver Quill. One of the guards walked up when I entered. “Sorry about letting the princess in, my lady,” he said, his ears drooping down. “I just… Well, I couldn’t exactly say no!”

“No need to apologize,” I said. “I understand. Feel free to eat, if you haven’t already. I don’t think many of the guests came hungry.”

“We’ve been sneaking stuff since before the party started,” he said with a small grin.

“You guys are the shittiest guards ever.”

“Thank you, my lady. That means a lot, coming from you.” I flipped him off and continued walking to the table with the food, where Silver was stuffing her face.

“I’m kinda surprised you aren’t with the others in the sun room,” I said.

“Oh, I hate parties,” she said. “Besides, I didn’t think you’d want me there. I’m just your accountant, after all…”

“You’re certainly welcome to head in there, but I completely understand not wanting to. I definitely don’t want to go back.”

“Why not? I thought this was your idea.”

“It was. That said, I hate parties, too. I did this because it needed to get done, not because I wanted to do it. If I had my way, I’d be asleep right now.”

“Well… you’re the lady of the house,” Silver said. “Why don’t you just go to bed?”

“Because responsibilities suck super hard.”

“And because Fleur won’t let her,” Kat said, making both of us jump. I hadn’t heard her following me at all. “Are you sure you should be in here, Nav? All the guests are still in the sun room.”

“Forgive me for being hungry,” I said. “I wanted to get some food before dealing with more bullshit. Hopefully, we won’t have any more surprise guests.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m afraid there’s one on the way,” Kat said. “Which is why I came to find you. Cascade has informed me that Flo is coming.”

“She’s what?!”

“Cascade believes Flo is coming now because she knows trying to throw her out would make a scene. She very much wants to speak to you and you have been avoiding her, so she is deciding to press the issue when you can’t turn her away.”

“Can’t turn her away my ass! Go get Taya. If she comes in here, she’s gonna get evaporated!”

“Please just talk to her, Nav,” Kat said. “You know you need to.”

“Is that you talking, or is that Cascade?”

“It’s both of us. You can’t avoid her forever. You know this needs to happen.”

“Yeah, it does need to happen. On my terms, on my schedule. I do not have time for this right now. Princess fucking Celestia decided to gatecrash my party. I need to keep things from getting out of hand.”

“Nav, you’re literally in here to avoid your guests,” Kat said.

“Prove it.”

She sighed. “You can’t stop her from coming in here without making a big scene and an even bigger mess, Nav. She’s very, very determined to speak to you, apparently. I’ll go get Taya, but I want you to hear Flo out before you try to throw her out.”

“No promises. Go get my daughter.”

She sighed and walked back into the sun room. “You want one of us to be with you when you meet?” one of the guards asked.

“Hm… No, I don’t think that will be necessary. She should be well aware that if she so much as touches me, she’s steam.”

“Still… Are you sure, my lady? Watcher wants us to make sure you’re never alone around them.”

“I don’t see his old grey ass here. Is he avoiding the party, too?”

“He is seeking out Zecora, at your order,” one of the guards said. “He should have her here before the night’s end.”

Tch, he’s probably just doing that to avoid the party. “One of you may accompany me if you wish.” He sighed in what sounded like relief as Kat and my daughter walked in.

“What’s going on, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Flo’s coming to have a chat. We’re going to meet with her in my room. Kat, tell Fleur that something came up and I had to meet with someone. Help her—”

“I’m not staying down here,” Kat said. “If you’re that worried about Flo, I’m going to be with you.”

“Fuck it, fine, whatever. Silver, tell Fleur that something came up and I had to meet with someone. Help her—”

“What, me?” Silver asked. “T-talk to F-fleur?”

“Yes, you, talk to Fleur,” I said. “Tell her I’ll be upstairs if she absolutely needs me, but that I don’t need to be bothered for anything other than an emergency. If she needs help keeping things orderly, do it.”

“Um. I… I don’t know if I can…”

“Soarin’s out there. You might can score him if you try hard enough.”

“M-m-me?! With Soarin’?!”

“You never know until you try. Have fun with that. Taya, would you mind taking us up?” Her horn lit up and the two of us popped up into my room. I guess Kat and the guard would have to walk.

“Do you really expect Flo to try and hurt you?”

“Honestly, no. But I’m not comfortable alone with her. If she fucked with my mind once, she might fuck with it again and make me forget that she did it at all. According to Blaze, they have the ability to completely remake someone’s personality. I’m honestly afraid of what she might do. Keep that lie-detecting spell on. I don’t know if it’ll work on her or not, but I’d rather have it just in case.”

“Just try not to lie too much then, mommy. If that’s possible for you, that is.”

“Eat a dick,” I told my daughter, walking over to my chair. Kat and the guard entered right after I planted my ass down.

“So what’s the plan?” the guard asked.

“Talk to her until I can get her to leave,” I replied. “With luck, it won’t be difficult.”

“Where do you want me to stand?”

“I don’t care, dude. You do you.” He looked around the room at a few spots before walking over to my left-hand side. He stopped a meter or so behind me. Kat walked to the side of the desk facing the window and leaned against it. She pulled out a knife and started idly tossing it in the air. I kinda wonder if she’d fuck up her gloves doing that. Taya eventually shrugged and hopped onto the bed so she could roll around in my scent like some kind of weird pervert.

For better or worse, Flo did not take long to arrive. Instead of coming in through the balcony door like I was expecting, she actually came in through the front. She grinned when she saw me and turned very pink. “Hello, my friends,” she warmly said as she scooched closer.

“Howdy. You know, now’s really kinda a bad time.”

“I know.”

“Cool. So can we maybe reschedule this talk?”

“I’m afraid not, Nav. I know that my sisters have spoken to you about me. And I know that they have proposed to replace me.”

“Naiad gave me the talk before I went to Iceland and I spoke to Brook while we were in Iceland.”

“Have you come to a decision?” she asked, hope resounding in her voice.

“I have. At the moment, I am going without an elemental in me at all.” She sank straight into dark blue. “As Naiad said, it was a choice that was denied to me at the start, something I felt I had to do. Now, I have the option. I think I need time to decide what I really want.”

“...I see. And have you decided yet how you feel… about me?”

“Nervous.”

“...Why?”

“Some of my friends noticed how much I was changing, Flo. Some of them happened to wonder how much of it was me… and how much of it was you. That got me to wondering, too. You were in my head quite some time. If you were so inclined, it wouldn’t be difficult to turn me into a completely different person.”

“I was not inclined. I would never do that to you, Navarone. I will admit that some of my methods of persuasion might have been a bit much, but—”

“You mean hitting me?” I asked. “Or molesting me? Maybe all those lies you told, or the truths you hid?”

“Yes, I do mean those.”

“Then yeah, they might have been a little much. They might also have something to do with why I’m nervous.”

“Could you ever forgive me?”

“Yeah. I’ll let you know when I get around to it.”

“Stubborn as ever, I see,” she sighed.

“Oh, I’m sorry, should I immediately bend over backwards to make you feel comfortable?” I asked. “I thought you wanted me as a host, not a slave.”

“And I thought you cared about me. I thought you trusted me! How could you believe the words of my sisters over those of my own? I never sought to harm you, Nav. I did what I thought you needed, what you responded to! You just… you left me no other choice but to resort to such brutal measures!”

“There is always a choice,” Kat said, firmly gripping her dagger and glaring at Flo. “You chose poorly.”

“You would know from experience,” Flo replied, turning red.

“Yes. Navarone has chosen to forgive me. It is my advice that she not extend that forgiveness to you.”

“Well, it is not your choice to make,” Flo said.

“I do care about you, Flo,” I replied. “But you know I have a very hard time trusting anyone, even someone that shared my mind for some time. And to be fair, you did betray that trust in some ways. You’ve forced me to do things I did not want to, for example. And you’ve told others things about me that I would have preferred not known.”

“I regret my mistakes,” Flo sighed, turning blue once more. “And I readily apologize for them. But I believe you need my assistance now more than ever, Nav. Even if you aren’t interested in being my host, allow me to stay here and act as your advisor.”

I slowly leaned back in my seat and steepled my fingers. That’s… somewhat tempting. And yet… “You’d be doing a lot of sitting,” I said. “I’m going out of town for a week soon.”

“I would be pleased to go with you.”

“It’ll just be me and Twilight,” I said.

“I believe that to be unwise.”

“Be that as it may, I’m doing it. After that, we are going to raid the human bunker in Colorado. I will think on your offer until our return to Canterlot.”

“...Very well. I would like to hug you, Nav. Will you allow me that?” She sounded very sincere, at the very least.

“Yes.” Kat pushed back off the desk to stare at me in surprise. Taya actually sat up and stared as well. I stood up as Flo surged toward me and completely encompassed me in water for a moment. Soon enough, she formed back up in her normal shape, hugging me and glowing bright pink. I hugged her back, though doing so felt very strange.

She knew I was in a hurry, so she didn’t make it too long. She pulled back, still glowing pink. “Thank you, Nav. I will speak with you more in time.” She finally departed, this time using my balcony. The three of them watched her go. I just stared straight ahead, slowly wondering if I made a mistake.

When she was gone, I sighed and said, “If you put yourself in me, I will give you one chance to tell me. If I find out that you did and didn’t tell me about it, I’m going to have you evaporated.” No one replied.

“I don’t think she would do that,” Kat said. “Or at least, Cascade doesn’t think she would do that.”

“Why would you let her hug you, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Because I believe that she really didn’t mean to hurt or betray me,” I said. “She did, but I honestly don’t think that was her intention. I believe she loves me, she just isn’t sure how to show it because I don’t really respond well to the normal methods.”

“Well, that’s definitely true,” Taya said. “That must be why she started molesting you. Should I do that, too?”

“Taya, don’t,” I sighed. “Just don’t.” She started muttering again, of course.

“We should get back to the party,” Kat said.

“Yeah, we probably should,” I said. “I just really don’t want to.”

“Then why bother?” Taya asked. “You could just stay up here.”

“I mean, I could, but I won’t. Fleur would never forgive me and it would probably piss everyone downstairs off.” I stretched, trying to work out all the kinks that built up because I was standing like a proper lady. The guard awkwardly cleared his throat and Taya blushed bright red, which made me wonder if I had accidentally exposed the garter belt while stretching.

There was nothing I could do about that, though. “Ready?” Kat asked.

“As I’ll ever be, I suppose,” I said. “Let’s get back to it…”

The rest of the party went very smoothly, thankfully. Moonbeam kept Celestia in check, Fleur kept her idiots in check, and I was able to spend more time talking to the Wonderbolts and Blossom. It was not an entirely unpleasant experience.

Since Celestia obviously wasn’t going to get her way, whatever that way was, she left first, making up some excuse about having work to do or whatever. It was obviously bullshit, but I was so happy to see her leaving that I didn’t care. Fleur’s gaggle of ponies left shortly after her, leaving me just people I actually cared about. Fancy was next, citing old age and being too tired to stay up much longer. Since Gilda lost most of her conversational partners and she was apparently planning on heading back to Gryphus in the morning, she was next. Unfortunately, Soarin’ and Spitfire had no interest in staying to do lewd things, so they left as well, having a long flight ahead of them.

That left me, Blossom, Twilight, Moonie, and Fleur. Taya went up to get ready for bed and Kat went out to talk to Spider. Silver apparently chickened out and left as soon as she told Fleur where I was.

Once the Wonderbolts left, I sighed in relief and sank into a chair. Fleur giggled and trotted over to me. “So how was it?” she asked, joining me at the table.

“Exhausting.”

“Did you let yourself have any fun at all, or were you being too stubborn?”

“A little. I got kinda worried when Celestia showed up.” And I’m honestly somewhat surprised that Discord didn’t rear his hideous head. “And Flo popping up out of nowhere spooked me a little.”

“That’s certainly understandable,” Fleur said. The other three finally joined us, since that was apparently the cool thing to do. “So, what did you all think?”

“I think Celestia was trying to catch you off guard,” Moonbeam said. “And I’d say it worked.”

“Yeah, it did, Thank you for taking care of her,” I said.

“You are very welcome. I do so enjoy putting her in her place.”

“What did Flo want?” Twilight asked. I imagine Aqua was more curious than she was, but I decided to answer the question anyway.

“To see if I’d take her back. Failing that, to see how I felt about her now. Long story short, I did not take her back.” She sighed.

“Well, I had fun,” Blossom said. “This was the first party in a long time where I felt I could let my mane down, so to say. They’re usually boring and stuffy cookie-cutter noble parties. This one had a little bit of life to it.”

“I’m glad to know you think so well of my parties,” Fleur sarcastically replied.

“Not your parties, just your guests. Nav’s friends are a lot more fun.”

“And I’ve agreed to write a book about her,” Twilight said. “She’s going to begin compiling notes based off several questions I asked her tonight. I’ll have another list of questions ready for her before we leave town. I’ll begin when we get back.”

“Is this a book about vampires or a book about her?” I asked.

“Vampires in general,” Twilight said. “Though I’ll go into as much detail as she’s willing about her own experiences as a vampire. I’ll also let her put a few personal details in there, if I believe they’re pertinent to the topic at hoof.”

“Good. It better be as supportive as possible, or no bellyrubs for a month.”

“Got it,” she said with a nod.

“If you have no further need of me, I will return to the palace,” Moonie said. “I also need to leave in the morning, so I must be well-rested.”

“It was good to see you again,” I said. “You’re welcome here any time.”

“That is perhaps an offer I will take you up on. If nothing else, I imagine your guest rooms would have fewer ponies bowing and scraping to me every time I turn a corner.”

“Yeah, there’s not much of that here unless you’re me,” I said. “Though I’m trying to get them out of that habit.”

“Not anymore you aren’t,” Fleur said. “That’s part of the game, Nav. I’m afraid playing it is a must. It’s something they would insist on, even if you don’t like it.”

Man, everyone cares more about me being a noble than I do. Ain’t that some bullshit? “Tch, whatever.”

“You’re as adorable as ever, my dear,” Moonie said. “Remember, if you need me, use the mirror I left in your room. Farewell.” She teleported out before I even had the chance to hug her.

“I should probably get going, too,” Blossom said. “I only took half the night off. I need to get ready for what’s left of my shift.”

“And I have a lot of preparations to make tomorrow,” Twilight said. “We’re leaving in two days, Nav. I suggest you get everything in order before we go.”

“Will do,” I said with a nod.

“If you’re heading back to the palace, I’ll go with you,” Blossom said. “The streets of Canterlot aren’t always safe at night and that’s where I’m heading anyway.”

“Company’s always nice,” Twilight said with a grin. “And we can talk about ways of making Nav suffer while she can’t hear us!”

“Sounds great! Ready when you are.”

“You’re all sick and twisted,” I petulantly replied.

“And you love it,” Twilight said, blowing me a kiss. The two of them hopped up and walked over to hug me together. Twilight was warm and Blossom was cold, so it balanced out pretty well. “See there, Blossom? She isn’t even denying it anymore!”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I think she’s cute when she’s in denial…”

“Both of you go eat a dick.” That just made them giggle. Blossom nibbled on my ear and Twilight kissed my neck before they finally pulled back.

“I’ll see you later, Navi!” Twilight said with another short nuzzle.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Blossom added.

“Yep. See y’all.” They both finally left together, whispering quietly as they went. I’m sure they actually were discussing ways to torture me further. A part of me really regretted introducing Twilight to them, but I knew it was bound to happen eventually.

“You smiled a lot tonight, Navi,” Fleur quietly said.

“Did I?”

“Yes. I was watching very closely. You definitely enjoyed yourself. Oh, there were parts you didn’t like, but overall, I believe you had a good time.”

“Well, that’s because I did. Thank you for helping me with this, Fleur.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“What did your three friends think?”

“They did not tell me, but I got the impression that they were very impressed. Seeing you here and so comfortable around royalty itself did you a lot of good. I think Celestia’s goal here was to try to embarrass you in front of your guests, but Moonbeam expertly handled her.”

Hallelujah. “Good. What’s our next step?”

“For now, we wait and watch. I know you’re going out of town soon, so I’ll keep an ear out for discussions about you. Given what the three of them saw today, I imagine there will be several of those. I’ll likely have new ideas when you return. With Celestia actively targeting you, we’ll have to be very wary when planning events without Queen Moonbeam.”

“Thankfully, I don’t plan on doing many. I’d much rather go to a party than host one. At least then I can leave whenever I like.”

She set the vibe on high, which made me shiver and moan. “A proper lady enjoys planning parties for all of her friends,” Fleur said. “Mm, I do so love your cute expressions, Navi. I’ve been looking for an excuse to turn it on max all night, but you never gave me one. I suppose I’ll have to reward you… Later, that is. For now, as much as I would love to stay and finish the night with a bang, I’m afraid there’s one more thing I must do tonight. After that, I’ll likely head home.”

“Um. C-can you… the toy?”

“Hm? Oh, yes.” She flipped it off and I sighed in relief.

Once I was composed again, I said, “That’s disappointing, but I understand. I’m glad you were able to give me as much of your time as you did.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll be able to fairly easily find someone else to warm your bed.” Doppel trotted over from where she had been cleaning and Fleur passed her the remote with a big grin. “It seems you have no shortage of volunteers.”

“Yeah, but spending time with you is always nice. But I know that all good things must end eventually.”

She leaned in closer and kissed me. It felt pretty fucking alright. When she pulled back, we were both grinning. “Until next time, Navi.”

“I’ll be waiting.” She giggled and gave me another peck on the lips before finally leaving.

Once we heard the door click behind her, Doppel giggled. “You’re so cute together, my lady.”

“Who do you prefer, Fleur or Twilight?”

“I haven’t decided yet. I think Fleur would be more likely to let me keep playing with you, but I might be able to talk Twilight into it if I worded it right.”

“Moonbeam suggested polygamy.”

“Oh. That would be an interesting choice.”

“With her as part of it.”

“Oh. That would be a dumb choice.”

“I don’t think I want to do that at all. It seems unfair to my partners.”

“Compared to what you’re doing now?” she asked. “You’re very openly dating two mares, my lady. A herd would just make it official instead of giving them possibly false hope. The longer you continue dating both of them, the more difficult it will be to pick and the more hurt the other will be.”

I sighed and leaned back. “I wish this was an easier choice…”

“A herd is an easy choice.”

“It may seem like that to you, but not to me.”

“Hmph.”

I kinda wanted to keep talking about it, but the entrance of Zecora and Watcher precluded that. “How’d the party go?” Watcher asked as they walked over.

“It went well,” I said. “I kinda figured you’d want to be here for it.”

“No, I made sure to wait until the last guest left. I try to avoid them, these days. Too much work.”

“Aww, but you even had a date!”

“I am not much a fan of parties either,” Zecora said. “Especially pony parties. Too much frivolity and decorations. I prefer things simple.”

“Well, there’s plenty of food left if either of you are hungry,” Doppel said. “We kinda put it in the entryway, thinking more ponies would congregate there. I guess we’ll know better next time.”

“I haven’t eaten yet,” Watcher said. “I think I’ll grab something and then head to bed. I had a long day.”

“Are you staying the night?” I asked, looking at Zecora.

“Before I decide, I would like a small tour. Would you show me to my room?”

“Sure. I’m about ready to sleep anyway. I’ve also had a long day.”

“I’d be delighted to join you tonight, my lady,” Doppel said.

“If you finish cleaning before I pass out, you’re welcome,” I said. “But I actually really am tired and my body kinda aches, so I wouldn’t mind a night to myself.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “As you wish, my lady.”

That finally left Zecora and I to head upstairs. I was planning on giving her one of the rooms on the third floor. While walking through the house, I noticed that her gaze was drawn to various spots. Usually, places where there was nothing to really look at. “You seem… distracted,” I slowly said.

“What do you know of the history of this place?” she asked, staring at one of the railings as we ascended the stairs.

“It was built by a newly appointed noble a long time ago. He ended up going bankrupt and turned into a nobody.”

“Hm. Is that all?”

“Apparently there were a few deaths. One owner fell over the side. The real estate agent mentioned a few others, but didn’t really expand on them. She was… kinda completely insane. Celestia also mentioned a dark past.”

“I see. Do you know what a true haunting is, Nav?”

“God fucking dammit, is my house haunted?”

“…Extremely.”

“God DAMMIT! Why does this bullshit keep fucking happening?! Is there anywhere in this world that isn’t fucked up?”

“In short, the answer to that is no. I’m learning that more and more as times goes on. We are surrounded, literally everywhere, by tragedies. As you’ve traveled, have you noticed… similarities in the world? Places and events that seemed similar to things in your time?”

“…History repeats itself, yes. That’s something I noticed even in my own timeframe. We actually had recorded history and could see trends.”

“Precisely. So I ask again, do you know what a true haunting is?”

“…Are you saying that ghosts make history repeat itself?”

“Yes, Navarone. That is what I am saying.”

“Did you get more of those mushrooms without telling me?”

“I have no need for them now. I have seen that the main cause of hauntings is tragedy. Places where lives were brutally ended. The more traumatizing the event, the stronger the effect. Spirits pick those around them and invisibly guide their paths. A leader that destroys their people, for example. A genocide, perhaps. Suicide. Murder. The spirits from those tragedies relive their suffering through others. As they feed on more suffering, their powers grow. This place could destroy you if you aren’t careful, Nav. The spirits here are very powerful.”

“God dammit, I’m burning it to the fucking ground and starting over. I’ll go back to Ponyville for a few weeks while the new house is built.”

“That won’t help. Rebuilding it at all would give the spirits new lease, so to say.”

Fuck. “I’m gonna strangle the bitch the sold me this fucking place! She has been a thorn in my side since day one!”

“Then her soul would be on your shoulders as well, Navarone.”

“Fuck it, then. There’s gotta be another house in this shithole city I can move to. Fuck this place. I have enough money to let it just stay here to rot.”

“I have another idea,” she said as we stepped into one of the empty rooms on the third floor.

“Does it involve us staying here and dispelling the ghosts?”

“Yes.”

“I’m gonna go tell Silver to look for house listings again.”

Zecora looked at the door and nodded. It swung shut, trapping us inside. “That was not one of my powers, Navarone.”

“…Are you about to unleash angry ghosts on me?”

“I want you to hear me out.”

“This is dangerous. I’m already busting my ass to keep up the illusion this is a real noble’s house and not a façade for a fucking coup, Zecora. I don’t have time to cater to a bunch of fucking ghosts on top of it. I cannot risk letting them haunt us to an early grave because none of us have any idea of what we’re really dealing with! We can’t even get any of my ghosts to leave me alone. How the hell can we exorcise an entire fucked up house?”

“Make different choices.”

“Alright, thanks for that. Will do. My different choice is to move the fuck out of this house before it’s too late.”

“Nav, the world needs this. Have you ever wondered why Discord keeps building up strength? Why nobody ever sees it coming? Why history repeats itself again and again? It’s because of things like this. Tragedies happen because people do the same thing, over and over. That brings Discord to power. Discord causes even worse tragedies, which ensures his dominion throughout time.”

“That’s a stretch and you know it.”

“I can walk the streets of Canterlot and know it. I can travel to any city and know it. I can see spirits everywhere, Nav. Of all kinds, of all races, of every nationality and type. They need help to move on. If nothing else, it would ease the suffering of the world. I feel like that is my new task in the world. I feel like that is why I have been given these gifts. Let me help the dead here, Nav. Let me free them through you. Perhaps this practice will help me as we travel, as we encounter hard times where another failed. We could prevent tragedies with this, Nav.”

God dammit. “If this goes poorly, I’m getting a new house, burning this place to the ground, and salting the earth.”

“Deal. Come to me at midnight. I want you to meet somebody.”

“…Is it a ghost?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck. Why midnight?”

“That is the time when the barriers between this life and the next are at their weakest.”

Of course it is. “Is there any reason we haven’t seen any spooky activity from the ghosts yet? You just got one to shut a door. Shouldn’t we have noticed shit like that?”

“I have a few theories. The first is that tonight is the first time you had a sizable crowd here. That could have possibly woken them up, so to say. The second is that the ghosts here are of the more passive sort. They’d likely still try to possess you, but they aren’t interested in throwing too much around. The third is that most hauntings try to change things that are different from what they recognize. A painting on a wall that didn’t have one, for example, or the placement of furniture. As you build up more decorations, they’ll likely become more active.”

Oh yeah, it might be time to have another chat with that shitty real estate agent. “Ugh, whatever. You might have to wake me up, but I’ll see you at midnight.”

“Excellent. I will attempt to converse with the spirits I see until then.”

“Good luck. Please don’t piss them off.”

“Of course not.” She nodded at the door again and it opened. I quickly left, not wanting to have a door slammed on me.

Despite the fact that my house was definitely haunted, I found myself smiling as I walked up the stairs to my room. If nothing else, at least that stupid fucking party was behind me.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Seven

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Seven

As soon as I got to my room, I let out a huge breath. I don’t know if I should feel relieved or if I should just start crying. God damn.

As nice as it would have been to fall on the floor and start sobbing, I didn’t have time to wallow in self pity at the moment. I finally shrugged out of the stupid dress and yanked Doppel’s toy out, sighing as it exited me. I wonder how much of my period I can skip while on vacation as a pony…

That was a very nice sounding thought. Any time I could spend without bleeding or cramping was good in my books, and if my time was coming up anyway, I’d be happy to skip that shit.

Once I was free of the dress, I hunted down something comfortable and slid into it, then walked over to my desk. Athena’s book was still sitting there, so I knew the mages hadn’t gotten out yet. I took a deep breath and opened the book. Sure enough, the tentacles sucked me in. That does not bode well...

I appeared behind Hera and Athena. They were both against the railing of the balcony, looking down onto the lower level. Neither of them seemed to notice my arrival. I waited a few seconds to see if they’d say something. When they stayed silent, I cleared my throat.

Hera turned my way with a smile. “Ah, Nav, you’ve come to watch the show! Come, come!” She beckoned me over. Despite my misgivings, I was curious enough to walk over to stand between them. Instead of the normal lower level, we had what appeared to be a top-down display of the entire labyrinth. “Here, hold my hand.” She grabbed my hand and yanked me closer to her. It changed the display under me, focusing on a single one of the rooms where two of the mages were lying on the ground, panting. One was the snooty asshole who decided to be a dick to me and Twilight. The other was the mare who seemed to have misgivings about the whole thing.

“Where’s the other one?” I asked.

“His soul got sucked out a few rooms ago,” Hera said. “That’s okay, though; he didn’t put up much of a fight, so you didn’t miss out on much. These two are proving to be marginally more entertaining!”

Alright, so Hera is completely psychotic. Good to know. “How much further do they have left?”

“They aren’t even halfway through,” Athena answered. That changed the focus again, giving me the overview of the labyrinth, with the correct path now highlighted in gold. They were close to the halfway point, at least.

“That looks like more rooms than I had to pass,” I said. Sure enough, their path seemed to be at least three times longer.

“This maze changes according to how many enter it,” Athena said. “If you had entered it alone, you would have had considerably fewer rooms to pass through.”

“And if I had entered it alone, I would have died,” I said.

“Indeed. One person alone can do it, if that person is very skilled and extremely prepared. Two people can do it if they’re very skilled and work together perfectly. Three people have to think as one, act as one, or they will fare poorly.”

“I’m guessing they didn’t work together that well, huh?” I asked.

“No, but they’re going to die together very well,” Hera said. “You know, I like her coat. Can you have your golems bring me her body? I want to skin her. I think that color would make a good rug.”

I’m kinda starting to see why Zeus left you. “And that doesn’t strike you as weird or wrong in any way?” I asked.

“Hm? Why would it?” she innocently asked. Athena snorted. “Oh, would you care to claim it? I suppose I could allow that.”

“...I’m good. So can we speak to them?”

“We can do anything we want to them,” Athena said.

“They’re like cute little dollies!” Hera said. “Dollies with warm looking fur. Well, hers is nice. His is… ugh, you can just leave it to rot.”

“Is there any other way out?” I asked.

“Like what?” Athena asked. “This is a pocket dimension, Nav. The only way in or out is on that pedestal behind you.”

“Alright, let me rephrase that. Can they surrender and be let out?”

“Oh. As a rule, no.”

“...And as an exception?”

“Then one would have to determine exactly why their lives are exceptional,” Athena said, finally turning her gaze to me.

“Fair enough. The way you worded it, I thought I’d ask.”

“There have been a few that I have allowed to leave,” Athena said. “But it is not common.”

“And I take it there’s no way for me to help them at all?” I asked.

“None at all.”

“Fuck it, then. Can I speak to them?”

Athena lifted one of her hands. A smooth stone appeared in it. “Take this and speak. They will hear you.” The scene in front of me shifted back to the room they were in.

I grabbed the stone. “So remember how Twilight and I told you this place was really awful?” I asked. They both jumped and looked around. “And then you blew us off and acted all uppity and shit? And then when I—very reluctantly, I might add—agreed to let you use the book, you immediately acted like I should be grateful that I had the chance to deliver it to you? And then as soon as Twilight and I were gone, do you maybe remember saying something along the lines of ‘If those two imbeciles did it, how bad could it be?’ and then you all laughed because you’re super arrogant and think you can’t get knocked down from your shitty ivory tower? Any of that ringing a bell?” The mare actually whimpered.

“Aww, you’re scaring my new rug!” Hera said. The mare started crying. “Oh, boo hoo. You didn’t have to come in here! But I’m glad you did. You’re going to feel wonderful against my feet. And it’s good to know that what counts as magic these days is basically parlor tricks.”

“We aren’t dead yet!” the stallion said, finally coming to his feet.

“Yeah, but you also aren’t even halfway to the end,” I said. “And you’re already down a man.”

“I will admit that this has been tougher than my initial expectations,” the stallion said. “But we will triumph!”

“What do you think, Athena?” I asked.

“I think you should have listened when Navarone told you that it was unwise to enter my realm,” she said. “You saw my power when she brought you here. You did not prepare accordingly. I estimate a very, very low chance of success. You didn’t even bring a sword.”

“Why would we need a sword?!” the mare yelled.

“Remember those magically resistant golems made of paper I was telling you about?” I asked. “I don’t know how strong you think you are, but unless you’re capable of more powerful bursts of magic than the actual element of fucking magic, you’re gonna be shit outta luck against one of those things.”

“And they are out and about,” Athena said. “They do get around.”

“Speaking of which, where’s that steel monstrosity?” Hera asked.

“Roaming the labyrinth. What it lacks in nimbleness, it makes up for in sheer power. To be fair, I don’t think a sword would do you any good against it. Magic certainly won’t.”

“So yeah, remember when I said that this was a bad idea?” I asked.

“We are not just going to sit here and die,” the stallion coldly said.

“I certainly hope not,” Hera said. “You’ve been in that room for ages. Come on, get moving so you can die somewhere else!” Yeah, now I know why Athena said she isn’t a good friend to have.

“We are not here for your amusement!”

“Well, not anymore you aren’t,” Hera said. “That’s why I want you to keep going! Ooh, the next room looks nasty!”

“You’re psychotic!” he yelled. Took the words right out of my mouth.

“You know, maybe I’ll keep your pelt after all,” Hera said. “And wear it as a reminder for the next animal who chooses to insult a goddess. I bet Nav would be happy to find more entertainment for us, wouldn’t you?”

“That is entirely up to Athena,” I said. “Her book, her rules.”

“It’s our book, silly! That purple unicorn mentioned other races, too. You should bring some of them next! Ooh, maybe one with soft yellow fur...”

“Get up, we’re going to the next room!”

The mare shakily stood. “This was a mistake.”

“Think of what we stand to gain.”

“Think of what we’ve already lost!”

“All three of us agreed when we came in that it would be worth it.”

“All three of us agreed that it would be a cakewalk!”

“All three of you were fools,” Hera said. “And soon, one of you will be my rug!”

“Do you hear that? Do you want to be turned into a rug by that psychotic monster?!”

“Athena, instruct your golems to bring me this one alive. I want to tear his hide off while he’s still using it.”

“If the paper golems find him first, they will bring him to you alive,” Athena said. “Of course, if the metal golem finds them first, I suspect neither of their hides will make it. Either way, I do so enjoy watching arrogant fools get their comeuppance. You would not believe how many like him I have watched die here.”

“When we get out of here, we are burning this book!”

“Man, you really are dumb,” I said.

“Oh, do you think you could stop us?” he asked. “Celestia won’t protect you from us!”

“You just threatened Athena. Do you really think you’re gonna get out of here alive now? I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just stop your heart as soon as you said it.”

“I considered it,” Athena said. “But then I decided I would like to watch Hera pull out his still-beating heart. Don’t worry, that’s no longer an if. That is now very much a when.”

“You idiot!” the mare yelled.

“Not that it would have mattered,” Athena said. “It would take a lot more than fire to destroy this book. And I guarantee that its protective countermeasures would stop anything you would even try and likely destroy your entire tower at the same time.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and say ‘I told you so’,” I said. “A part of me wishes you’d learn something from this, but apparently Hera’s gonna be wearing one of you and walking all over the other, so I don’t guess it matters. I’ll try to remember to let the tower know what happened to you. I’d hate for them to send someone looking.”

“We aren’t dead yet.”

Right as he was saying that, the metal golem materialized in one of the doors. “So how about that surrender option?” I asked as the golem began approaching them. It wasn’t all that fast, unsurprisingly. The stallion immediately started blasting it with magic. The runes on it lit up and it continued unfazed.

“He threatened my book,” Athena said.

“Yeah, but she didn’t. I mean, I don’t really care one way or another, but there’s no reason for her to die.”

“But what about my rug?” Hera asked.

“Do you think I should spare her?” Athena asked, paying Hera no mind. “What is her life worth to you?”

“Basically nothing, honestly.” The golem was focusing on the stallion, because he was the only one really posing a threat. The mare was backing up into a corner. “Why don’t you ask her?”

“Hm…” The golem finally got close enough to the stallion to make a grab for him. He jumped back, but one of his hooves landed on a book that slid out from under him, sending him to the floor. The golem took another step forward and crushed his horn like it was nothing, making both unicorns start screaming. “Unicorns cannot cast spells without horns, correct?”

“Sounds about right, yeah,” I said.

“Then I will allow her to live on a few conditions.”

“Athena! What about my rug?!”

“One condition is that Nav brings you a rug,” Athena said, rolling her eyes. Hera sighed in disappointment. I guess she wanted to harvest it herself.

The golem turned away from the stallion and started clunking toward the mare. Her eyes went wide and she tried galloping toward one of the doors, but a paper golem materialized at it. She skidded to a stop right as it grabbed her. “Another condition is that I get to keep her horn.” One of the paper golem’s arms turned into a sword and sliced her horn clean off, making her start screaming as well. It caught the horn with one of its feet, then extended its arm to grab the stallion by one of his legs. It pulled him and the mare through the door and the scene before us disappeared as they returned to Athena’s main room. The mare was sobbing and the stallion was staring in mute horror. Before I could say anything else, the three of us were standing before them.

“You know, I didn’t think I’d get the chance to say ‘I told you so’ in person,” I said. “I gotta say, it feels pretty good.”

“You’re just as bad as they are,” the stallion hissed, glaring at me.

“Oh yeah, go ahead keep acting all high and mighty,” I said. “You done fucked up, buddy. Would it kill you to admit it?” He growled and what was left of his horn lit up and started spewing sparks at me, which actually made me guffaw. “S-seriously? Is that what happens when unicorns with fucked up horns try to do magic? Oh my god, that’s fucking great! No wonder that dude flipped shit when I had Kumani crush his!”

“I believe we were discussing terms for allowing her to live,” Athena said, fixing her eyes on the mare.

“W… without a horn?” she whispered.

“You wanna be a rug?” I asked. She flinched.

“I will keep your horn,” Athena said, holding out a hand. The golem placed the horn in it. “Navarone will bring Hera a rug.”

“Better be a nice one,” Hera muttered.

“You will never enter this book again.”

“I don’t think she would be in a hurry to do that,” I said.

“Ooh, if she does, can we keep her?” Hera asked. “I’ve never had a pet pony!”

“And you must watch as Hera skins him alive,” Athena said, turning her eyes on the poor stallion.

“I…”

“Well, you’re going to meet that last condition whether you like it or not, actually,” Athena said. “Because Hera is most definitely going to skin him first. But if you don’t take my offer, you will be next.”

“Hey, so uh, I’m gonna go ahead and dip on out,” I said. “I’ve had a long day and seeing one or two people get skinned to death will just make it that much longer.”

“What do you mean, people?” Hera asked. “They’re just unicorns. Well, ex-unicorns.” The mare started crying again.

“By all means,” Athena said. “I wouldn’t expect you to stay through the entire thing. I imagine it’s going to take hours.” The stallion’s eyes widened.

“Sure you don’t wanna stay and help, Nav?” Hera asked. “Oh, I can make you a necklace from his teeth!”

“I think I’m good,” I said. “I’ll check back in the morning if she’s not out.”

“As you wish,” Athena said.

“But before you go…” Hera walked closer to the two unicorns and made a pair of shears appear in one of her hands. She reached down and snipped off one of the mare’s ears, which made her start screaming in pain. Hera walked back over and held up the ear for me. “Bring me a nice, soft rug in this color.”

“...Alright.” I took the ear, trying to avoid the blood. She swooped in and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t know why she bothered doing it through the veil, but at that point, I was kinda glad she was wearing it.

“You’re such a good little puppet, Navi. Do come back soon!”

“Will do,” I said, hoping to whatever god might be listening that it was a lie. Athena waved a hand and I appeared back at the pedestal.

Before I could open the book, I heard Athena’s dry voice say, “Now, I believe you have had long enough to decide.” That was my cue, so I let myself out.

As soon as I was free, I dropped the ear, ran to my bed, and screamed into the mattress. When I was done freaking the fuck out, I did my best to compose myself, then walked over to Taya’s room.

Her door was still open. She was lying on the bed, holding a book above her with magic. “You ready for bed?” I asked.

She looked my way with a grin. “Yep!” The book floated to her nightstand as I walked in. “How do you think the mages in the book are doing?”

“One is dead, one is in the process of being tortured to death, and the other might get to live if she’s lucky and smart, but it’ll be without a horn, possibly without an ear, and she’s never allowed back in the book again.” Ugh, and worst of all, I have to go find a rug...

“That’s kinda what I expected,” she said. “I guess they weren’t really that powerful after all…”

“There is a very big difference in power and experience,” I said. “I don’t know if Twilight told you this, but she was beaten in two magic duels by a common street magician. Of course, after the first duel, Trixie had gotten some training from Discord, but still, she was very experienced. Having power means nothing if you don’t know how to use it properly. Some of the mages at the tower are very powerful, but they’ve never really used their magic. I’m sure they’ve fought hundreds of practice bouts, but I bet none of them have ever killed or fought for their lives. And when they had their chance to speak with someone who actually had experienced Athena’s maze, they acted like we didn’t know shit because they were too arrogant.” And now one of them is going to be gracing Hera’s very sexy body.

“I guess that just goes to show how good of a team you and Twilight are, huh?”

“We absolutely are,” I said. “I really do like her, Taya. And even if she isn’t the one I end up falling in love with, she’s still going to be my friend.”

“Well, why can’t she be the one?” Taya asked. “I know you could fall in love with her if you wanted!”

“I could,” I said. “I would be happy with Twilight as my partner. But I feel like there are other options I’d also enjoy. And at the moment, I absolutely cannot afford to pick one.”

“Why not? It’ll give you something else to fight for!”

“You are plenty,” I said, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. She actually giggled in glee when I did and she was blushing when I pulled away. “Like it or not, we’re nobles now. A relationship with me is worth a lot to the right people.”

Her horn lit up and a light pulsed around the room. “I learned this spell from Watcher,” she said. “It detects any external magical pressure. Like, say, magical eavesdropping.”

“...And you don’t detect any of that now?”

“Nope! In fact, I haven’t detected any around you for the past few days.”

“How long have you known this spell?”

“I dunno, a few weeks? You were still being all friendly with Celestia for some reason, so I didn’t see any reason to tell you. But now that you’re planning on killing her, it’ll be good to know!”

“I’m not planning on killing Celestia,” I said. “I want to redeem her. But if she doesn’t give me the option…”

“Then you get to kill her?”

“If it comes to that, I think it’ll be me or her. And unbeknownst to her, she’s lost pretty much all of her friends. At this point, I’m pretty confident about my odds.”

“Oooh, did Twilight agree to be your queen?”

“Twilight doesn’t know yet,” I said. “I’ve been waiting on the right moment to tell her. It’ll have to be when we have everything else ready, because if I tell her and she decides her loyalty is to Celestia, she’ll rat us out immediately.”

“She wouldn’t do that,” Taya said.

“At the moment, it’s not a chance I’m going to take. And I want you to know that if Celestia does need to end up dying, I’ve agreed to marry Moonbeam in exchange for her support.”

“You WHAT?!”

“Moonbeam’s help could be the difference between life and death,” I said. “I’d rather live as her wife than get killed by Celestia. And make no mistake, if Celestia decides to kill me, she definitely won’t spare you. Or anyone else in this house, for that matter. And for what it’s worth, I could see myself falling in love with her as well.”

“But… but she’s a… a monster!”

“She was a monster,” I said. “She’s getting better. I mean, would you like to try fighting Celestia without her? Because that was the only way I could get her to agree.”

“...I’m never calling her mommy.”

“Good. That’s my name.” I leaned in to kiss her forehead again. “I don’t suppose you could give me a small burst of energy? I’m really tired, but Zecora came by and I need to speak with her soon.”

“Of course, mommy!” Her horn lit up and shot a small stream of magic at me. I instantly felt revitalized. Man, that shit feels so good. I kinda wonder if it’s addictive. “How’s that?”

“Perfect, thank you. Now, let’s get you tucked in…”

Since she was lazy, she hadn’t made her bed. I grabbed the covers and gently placed them over her. “I love you, mommy.”

“I love you too, Taya,” I said. “And I always will, no matter what choice I end up making.”

“I know…”

I leaned in to kiss her one more time, then pulled away. “I’ll see you in the morning, dear.” She grinned and I finally started walking away.

Right before I could flick off the lights, she said, “Mommy…?” I turned back and looked at her. She seemed very sad. “I’m sorry for being mean to Fleur today…”

Oh wow. I honestly wasn’t expecting that. “And I’m sorry for doing all of this to you, Taya. If everything was perfect and I didn’t have to worry about a thing, I would happily marry Twilight. But we don’t live in a perfect world.”

“...I know.”

I stared at her for a few more seconds before remembering something. “I said I’d reward you this morning if you were a good little filly. Well, you made me proud. Think about what you want. As long as it’s within reason, I’ll be happy to make it happen.”

“Just… just hearing that is enough,” she said.

“Oh, awesome. Thanks for making that super easy.” I flipped the light off and started pulling the door closed.

Her horn lit up and the light turned back on. I stopped pulling the door. Uh huh. “But if you’re offering, I’m sure I can think of something!”

“Take your time,” I said. “I’m going out of town in two days, so think about it all you want.”

“Yes, mommy.”

“Goodnight, Taya,” I said, turning the lights off again.

“‘Night, mommy…” she replied. This time I succeeded in pulling the door closed.

I went back to my room and looked at the ear, sighing. God dammit, now I have to deal with this. I reluctantly grabbed it in one hand and the book in the other, then turned to the door. Doppel was standing there, staring at the ear in shock. “So, funny story…”

“My lady, why… why do you have an ear?”

“Actually, it’s not a funny story at all. Athena and Hera are torturing one of the mages to death and making the other watch. Can you please put this on ice? I need to find a guard that’s gonna be up all night who can watch this book. Then I need to find another guard and make the strangest request ever.”

“And asking me to put an ear on ice isn’t strange?!”

“Well, what the fuck else are we supposed to do with it? The mare’s still alive, for the moment. It can probably be reattached.”

She looked at it in distaste, then turned her eye to the book. “...Can’t I find a guard to give that to instead?”

“Fine, whatever, I don’t care. Just take it.” I walked over and held the book up for her. She transformed an arm coming out of her back to grab it. “Tell them a mare might pop out of it. If she does, she’s gonna be freaking the fuck out and will need to be comforted like crazy. I’m gonna put this in the freezer. She can get it before she leaves.”

“...My lady, this is very weird.”

“Compared to what, exactly?”

She sighed and began walking out. “Wash your hands when you get done. I’m going to be putting them to good use soon.”

You can’t tell me how to live my life, you’re not my real mom! To be fair, I was going to wash my hands anyway, but not because she told me to. Being contrarian wasn’t filling my pussy up any faster, so I finally followed her out. Since she was a lowly servant, she got to fly down. I did my best impression of a proper lady by stately walking down the stairs. The illusion was slightly marred by the ear I was holding, though.

Oddly enough, the guard at the door only gave it a cursory glance as I walked over to her. “I need you to do something weird,” I said.

“Weird compared to what, my lady?” she asked.

“Alright, fair enough. I need you to find a very nice rug in this color,” I replied, holding up the ear.

“Is that a severed ear?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. I beg your pardon, but please give me just a moment.” She walked back into the entryway and flew up to the second floor. Just a moment later, she flew right back down with a camera. She hobbled over and took a picture of the ear. “I’ll see what I can do, Lady Navarone. I’m not sure I can find a rug store open at this hour, but if not, I’ll find a few I can check in the morning.”

“Thank you. Please destroy that picture when you’re done.”

“As you wish,” she said with a bow.

That was all I needed from her, so I went into the kitchen. Silver was helping herself to something in the fridge and jumped when she heard me enter. When she looked my way, her eyes saw the ear and her mouth dropped.

“Long story, please don’t ask,” I asked, walking over to her. She backed out of my way, eyes wide. That left me a perfect shot to the freezer, which I happily took. I honestly had no idea what to really do with the thing, so I just chucked it in there. With that out of my hands, I went to the sink and washed them as thoroughly as I could. Silver closed the fridge door and trotted out without a word as I was cleaning up.

Once I was dried off, I went back upstairs to my room. Doppel had somehow already changed out of her maid dress and into a spandex bodysuit. As soon as I walked in, she lifted a paddle with a smirk.

I smiled back and closed the door behind me.

As I limped down the path to Zecora’s room, I found myself strongly considering moving. Dealing with more ghosts really didn’t appeal to me. Unfortunately, if Zecora was right about the entire world being a graveyard, any other house I might move into would be just as haunted. If she was also right about hauntings causing history to repeat itself, then being able to expel ghosts would be extremely powerful and could change the course of history.

That in mind, I decided to hold off any decisions until after I met Zecora’s creepy new ghost friend.

When I got to her room, I discovered that Zecora apparently learned how to levitate. She was sitting in some kind of weird pony meditation pose a meter above the bed, her eyes closed. “So you have come.”

“A few times, actually. Doppel had fun with me.” She softly snorted. “So how we doin’ this seance thing?”

“I am unfamiliar with that term.”

“It’s when a medium, which is someone who can speak to ghosts, helps a regular person speak with the dead.”

“Ah, I see. Close the door and sit, Navarone.” There weren’t any chairs in there, so I closed the door and just sat on the floor. “Close your eyes.” I did so. “What frightens you most?”

“Probably either Taya getting hurt or that super fucked up bunker. I dunno, there’s a lot of shit that scares me.”

“Think on the bunker, Navarone. Think of what you saw, think of what you experienced. Think of all the lives lost and all the suffering. Think back to all the events you witnessed, the horrors you’ve faced.” Definitely not pleasant thoughts. I did it anyway, though. My skin started to feel cold. “You will die one day, Navarone. All that you are will turn to dust. In time, you will be forgotten. In time, you will be nothing.” The air kept getting colder and I actually started to shiver. “Open your mind to it. Open your mind to the inevitable emptiness.” The walls groaned and the doorknob rattled. “Open your eyes, Navarone.”

I did so with some hesitation. Before me floated a translucent pegasus wearing an antiquated maid uniform. “Holy shit, I can actually see one.”

“Unlike those who haunt you, she desires to be seen,” Zecora said. “Not all spirits desire to harm others.”

“I know. I met one in the bunker who helped me. Can this one talk?”

“Yes, my lady,” she answered. It sounded like her voice was very far away, but I could hear her clearly.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“I forgot,” she replied. “But I was never worthy of a name anyway. I was just a clumsy, useless maid…”

“Huh. So uh… how did you become a spirit?”

“I burdened my lady too much with my clumsiness. After she berated me for the last time, I realized I had no other choice but to kill myself so I could never let anypony down again.”

“Wow. Your lady sounds like a fucking bitch.” The window in the room rattled, making me and the ghost maid jump.

“You… you shouldn’t talk bad about her,” she whispered. “She’s still here, too…”

“How did she become a ghost?”

“She was stabbed in the back,” Zecora said. “She came back as a spirit of hate and vengeance. She was either directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of many of her servants and vassals. So far, this maid is the only one who would talk to me.”

“So how do we go about unhaunting this place?” I asked. “You said we needed to make different choices, earlier.”

“That will be your part of it,” she said. “Or rather, the part of everyone in the house. It appears that the ex-lady of this house made many mistakes.”

“She was perfect!” the maid replied. “The very model of a perfect lady! She may have had one or two anger issues, though…”

“She was so mean to you that you killed yourself,” I said. “How’s that any kind of perfect?”

“Don’t, Nav,” Zecora said. “Spirits are very set in their ways and opinions. Changing them takes time. Of course, changing them is also how we free them. We must help them fulfill their unfinished business.”

“Oh, so they’re the unfinished business kind of ghosts. Alright, I guess. So how do we find out what their unfinished business is?”

“In some cases, it will be obvious. In the case of our maid, I believe she feels guilt about the mistakes she made as a servant. If that is the case, I believe Doppel will be the one most suited to assisting her.”

“Doppel’s doing a pretty good job as a maid so far,” I said. “The only complaint I have is that she refused to carry a severed ear for me, but that’s totally fair.”

“Yes, that should do perfectly,” Zecora said. “If I can train Doppel to speak with this maid as well, the two of them can work together. The spirit can help teach Doppel proper manners. Doppel can teach the spirit proper grace. With luck, that will be enough to allow her to move on.”

“Well, that gets rid of the one least likely to be dangerous,” I said. “What about her lady? Or any of the rest of them?”

“With your permission, I will stay here and try to assess the other spirits. If I watch their routines, I believe I can figure out what will help them pass on to the other side. The more I can learn about their fates, the better I can help us avoid them.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “While you’re here, can you help me with something else? I want to contact the spirit of death that we met in Africa.”

“I will ask the spirits that guide me for direction, though I will likely need the assistance of Twilight Sparkle. Her command over the necromantic arts gives her an advantage over me in the art of summoning specific spirits.”

“Awesome. I believe he has the power to give me a brand new soul. Obviously, that would be preferable to the soul of some dead Russian broad.”

“I highly doubt he would do so for free.”

“Yeah, prolly not. I’m willing to at least hear his offer. With luck, it won’t be too ridiculous.”

“Hm, perhaps.” The ghost before me began fading away. “The hour is growing late. The dead fade once more into obscurity.” By the time she finished speaking, the maid was completely gone. “I shall speak with Doppel in the morning. I believe she will find this task acceptable.”

“If you need help convincing her, try kissing her neck. She loves that.”

“I shall keep that in mind. Goodnight for now, Navarone.” I figured that was probably my cue to leave, so I stood back up and walked out, closing the door behind me.

Thankfully, that was my last task of the night. The energy Taya had given me was wearing off, so I went back up to my room, stripped down, and got into bed. There were only a few wet spots, so avoiding them was easy. Once I got comfortable, I entered the world of dreams to see what I could do.

I woke up the next morning to a very welcome surprise: Doppel servicing me under the sheets and Kat with a plate of food next to me. “You know, sometimes it’s nice to be a lady,” I sighed. Kat smirked and started feeding me. I really didn’t want to sit up to feed myself, so I let her.

It was pretty fucking alright.

When I was finished and had finished, Doppel and Kat both stood by and watched as I got dressed in a fairly simple dress. “I noticed something missing at the party last night,” Kat finally said. “It was… quiet.”

“She’s right,” Doppel said. “Most parties usually have music.”

“Should we get a boombox?” I asked. “Or do you think we should hire a musician for events? I have enough contacts that it shouldn’t be an issue.”

“I have another idea,” Kat said. “Doppel found a listing for a grand piano while at the market. I think we should get it and put it in the main room.”

“Why? Without Flo, no one here knows how to play the damn thing.”

“Spider can,” Kat said.

“Why would he want to?” I asked. “He only did that shit as an excuse to get close to me. I sure can’t teach him now.”

“He actually cared about his time with you. I guess he thought you finally gave a damn about him.”

“Spider knows I care about him.”

“Spider knows you tried to murder him. Spider knows the first thing he saw when he thought he was safe was someone trying to kill him. If you ever actually spoke to him, you would know that he’s completely horrified of you, Nav. He thinks he’s a hair’s breadth from being killed at all times, that you’re just waiting for an excuse.”

“…Huh.”

“Huh. Is that your answer?”

I looked over at Doppel. She was staring at me with a very cold look. “…Get the piano. Let me know when it gets here. I’m gonna give it to him.”

“At once, my lady.”

She took the empty plate from a very happy looking Kat and fucked right off. Once Doppel was gone, Kat said, “Thank you, Nav.”

“I really don’t mind Spider, Kat. I did at first, but he’s proven that he isn’t like the rest of his species. I’m just really bad at showing it and even worse at making up for mistakes.”

“I believe this piano will go a long way to doing that, as long as you give it to him properly.”

That’s what she said. “I’ll certainly try.”

“Now, what are you doing today, my lady? Are we planning another party? Or attending one?”

“Today, I am reading,” I said.

“...Are you sure you have time for such a frivolous exercise?”

“I’m sure that I need to make time. This book is very important to me and I need to read it as soon as possible.”

“...If you’re sure.”

“I am. I’m going to need to speak to Taya to get a translation spell.”

“What about walking her to class?” Kat asked.

“This book is really fucking important. The only reason I didn’t start reading it as soon as I got it is because I couldn’t cancel the party. Reading it could literally be the difference between life and death.”

“That seems like an exaggeration.”

“It details the changes I’ll go through and the abilities I’ll obtain as a tree sister. Some of those abilities are powerful and things that I need to know immediately.”

“So you can’t take half an hour to walk your daughter to school?”

“Yes, I can. But I can’t take half a day to speak to the rest of the mages at the school, who I also really need to speak with. Reading this book is a lot more important to me than explaining that three of their leaders are now dead, dying, or permanently without magic.”

“Would you like me to do it in your stead?”

“Sure, whatever. I’ll take a quick visit to Athena’s realm to check the status of the last one, then write a note. You can walk Taya to school and deliver that to the secretary. I suggest you leave as soon as you do.”

“As you command, Nav. Would you like me to bring you the book?”

“Sure. Doppel gave it to one of the guards on the night shift. Maybe I’ll be lucky and the last mage will have already departed.”

“Did they truly fare so poorly?”

“Yes, they truly did. One got his soul sucked out, one got tortured to death by a psychopathic human, and the other had her horn and one of her ears removed. She also had to watch that guy get tortured to death.”

“Hm. I suppose that goes to show how powerful you and Twilight are together.”

“Yep, sure does. I’m gonna go make sure my daughter’s ready to greet the day.”

“Then I shall hunt down the book.” She graciously let me exit first. Taya’s door was closed, so I politely knocked. It opened immediately.

My daughter was still dripping wet, so I assumed she just got out of the shower. “Just about done getting ready?” I asked.

“Yep! Are you gonna walk me to class again?”

“Not this time, I’m afraid. Athena gave me a very important book last night that I need to begin reading immediately. I might need your help with some of the stuff I learn in it.”

“What’s it about?”

“Tree siblings, like me. The book details the abilities I’ll get as time goes on. I’m going to begin testing them as I learn more. I’m also going to need a translation spell, if you can spare the magic.”

Her horn lit up and a bubble of light shot over to me. “That should last a few hours. Do you know what kind of abilities you might get?”

“I have some ideas, but I want to read more to be sure exactly what I’m getting. I can’t afford to get caught off guard by anything that might develop. Kat will be joining you in my stead. She’ll probably also be carrying a letter for the Seven. Or well, the Four.”

“They aren’t gonna be mad at me for what happened, are they?”

“I dunno, hopefully not. They all knew what they were getting into. Now, I’m gonna get outta your hair and let you finish getting ready.”

“Actually… can you get into my hair?”

“Um. What do you mean?”

“Can you… do something with it?”

“Oh. Sure. What did you have in mind?”

“I dunno. Surprise me, I guess.”

“Give me just a moment.” I walked back to my room to grab a few hair bands. When I got back, she had used magic to dry herself off. “I’ve always wanted to do this…”

“Do what?” she asked as I walked closer.

“You’ll see.” What I had in mind was quick, easy, and super adorable. Soon enough, my daughter had a set of pigtails. “What do you think?”

“My… my real mommy used to… used to do my hair like this all the time…”

Oh shit. “Um. Well, let’s try something else…”

“No. I think I like it.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” God dammit, why do I always have to fuck everything up? “You know you can tell me anything, Taya.”

“I know.”

“...‘Kay. Head downstairs for breakfast when you’re ready to go,” I said. “I’m gonna pop into the book real quick to see what’s up with the mages, then write a letter for the Four. Once that’s done, I’ll join you downstairs.”

“Alright, mommy.” She seemed to be okay, so I went back to my room. I found Kat, the book, and a rug in the same color as the ear.

“Nightshade said you requested this,” Kat said. “Why did you need a rug?”

“Hera requested it. You wanna meet her?”

“I suppose. I haven’t been in there yet. Is the trip painful?”

“Nah, it’s fine.” I walked over to the desk, where the book was sitting. “Stand the rug up between us.”

“Alright.” She did so. I wrapped an arm around the rug and grabbed her paw, then opened the book with my other. The two of us got sucked in. Thankfully, the rug came along for the ride. “Whoa…” Kat was looking around her in wonder.

I immediately noticed two things that seemed out of place. The first was the sound of crying and the second was a very unpleasant stench. “Anybody home?” I called.

Athena appeared before us, making Kat jump. “Greetings, Navarone. I see you have brought the rug as promised.”

“Yep. You know, if you want anything from the outside, all you have to do is ask. I can bring you just about anything within reason.”

“I shall keep that in mind. Is this your pet cat?”

“Sorta. This is Katrina. She’s my assassin.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Athena,” Kat said with a small curtsy.

“She’s also cursed, another gift from Discord.”

“And you wish me to take a look and see if I can fix it?”

“I mean, if you want. You weren’t able to do much for me, though.”

“Perhaps I shall have better luck with Katrina, then,” Athena said, turning her eyes to my catgirl.

“Cool. So is the mare still alive?”

“She is,” Athena said. “She decided to take my offer. I was planning to hold her here until you brought the rug.”

“Well, here it is. You mind if I let her know the good news?”

“Feel free. To find her, follow the sound of tears. Now, come with me, Katrina.” Kat didn’t have the option of saying no, because they both immediately disappeared.

I really didn’t want to be in there for too much longer, so I walked to the railing and hopped down. There was a table against one of the walls that was covered in a pile of meat. Blood covered the floor around it. If I had to guess, I’d say that was what was left of the stallion who decided it would be fun to insult Hera.

When I looked toward the crying, I saw something that kinda made me scratch my head. Hera was rubbing the crying mare’s belly with her disgusting bloody hands. It looked like Hera was enjoying herself, but the mare was beyond horrified. A part of that might have been because Hera was wearing the stallion’s bloody coat like a shawl.

No part of me really wanted to get closer, but I knew I needed to get that mare out of there before she completely broke. That in mind, I walked over. “Greetings, Hera,” I said.

“Good morning, Nav,” she happily replied. “Would you like to play with my new pet pony?” The mare whimpered.

“I brought your rug, actually,” I said. “I’m here to take the mare back.”

“Oh, you can keep it. I think I like the idea of a pet pony even more.”

“Please, no!”

Hera shut her up with a glare. “I told you once, pets don’t talk. If you speak again, I’m taking your tongue!” The mare began crying even louder.

“Well, I made a deal with Athena,” I said. “As much as I’d hate to take you away from your new pet, I’d hate to upset Athena even more. The deal was that the mare could leave if Athena got to keep her horn, I brought a rug, and she watched you skin that guy. All of the conditions are met.”

“Don’t be difficult, Nav. Just think of all the trouble she could make for you on the outside. With her safely in here as my pretty little pet, you’ll never have to worry about her again! All of her needs will be taken care of and she’ll never die of old age. It’s the perfect arrangement!”

“You’re not keeping her,” Athena’s disembodied voice said. “I remember very clearly agreeing early on that neither of us were to have pets.”

“But what about all your golems? Those are pets!”

“They don’t make messes on the floor. They also aren’t sapient or capable of stabbing us while we sleep. Besides, this one is damaged and old, so breaking her will be difficult. If anything, you should have Nav bring you a foal so you can train one up from the beginning.”

“Oh Nav, dearest, could you possibly—”

“I’m not kidnapping a pony for you.”

“You never let me have anything nice!”

“I brought you a rug!”

“Oh, of course, bring up the one time you did something right!”

“This is Athena’s fault more than it is mine. She literally just said no pets, especially no sapient ones.”

“Ugh, it’s like the whole world is conspiring to make me unhappy! Fine, keep your stupid mare! She looks ugly without her ear anyway!” Hera pushed the pony off her lap and disappeared with a, “Hmph!”

The mare and I immediately found ourselves standing in front of the book. She made a jump for it, but Athena appeared and grabbed her tail. Kat stepped up next to me as the mare fell to the floor and rolled up in a ball. “There was nothing I could do for Katrina. It appears to be another of Discord’s tricks.”

“Yeah, I got that key the same place I got the stones. I put the last item away and have no intention of ever using it again.”

“Wise. Are you going to allow any more mages to use my book?”

“I don’t think they’re going to want to after she tells them what it’s like here. But if they do, I’ll let them. Well, unless you don’t want me to.”

“It would not bother me one way or another. As long as they do not seek to harm my book, they may do as they choose.”

“Ah, cool. Then we’ll go ahead and get out of your hair.”

“Farewell for now, Navarone,” she said. I walked up and opened the book. The tentacles sucked all three of us up and deposited us back in the real world.

I set the book down and immediately hugged the poor mare. “It’s all over now,” I whispered. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”

“T-those monsters…” she said, her voice sounding strangled.

“You’re free now. And I saved your ear. It might be possible to reattach it if you act quickly. Kat will walk you back to the tower in a few minutes. I’m sure there’s someone there who can help you with your ear, then you can debrief the others.”

“That book is evil!”

“No, but the people in it are mentally disturbed,” I said.

“And you aren’t?!”

“I was putting on a show.” You know, mostly. Getting to say ‘I told you so’ was really nice, though. “Those two scare me just as much as they scare you.” Actually, probably not. After all, I didn’t just see them skin a colleague to death. “If I don’t act the right way in front of them, I may lose them as allies. Those two are truly horrifying, but they’re also really powerful and good to have as friends.”

She sniffled. “Everything h-hurts so much…”

“My daughter can pump some healing in you when you get downstairs. I don’t know if she’ll be able to reattach the ear or not, but you can ask.”

“We should have listened…”

“Yeah, you shoulda. But you didn’t, and there’s no going back now. So, first we need to get you healed up. Kat’s gonna walk you downstairs to the breakfast room, where you’ll meet my daughter. Your ear is in the freezer. With luck, she’ll be able to reattach it. If not, she’ll probably be able to preserve it long enough for you to find someone who can. Then you’ll go with them to the tower, where you’ll talk to the Four.”

She flinched when I said that. “I… I could never speak to them. Not without… not without a horn!”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Kat, if you would?” I released the mare and stepped back. Kat thankfully shepherded her away, leaving me in peace and quiet. Since I only had a few hours until Taya’s spell wore off, I grabbed the book Athena gave me, sat in my chair, and began reading.

The book was about an adventurer much like me who found himself stuck with plant powers against his will after getting terribly injured. It detailed his journeys in depth. It also went fairly deeply into the abilities he began figuring out over time. The only ability I got to before Kat returned was how to plant a clone tree.

The process was fairly simple. I needed to find a seed of whatever tree I originally came from, shove it in my belly button, wait twenty-four hours, then plant it in fertile soil. It would almost immediately sprout and be ready to clone me two weeks later. If I ever died and had to use the clone, I’d only have the memories starting from when I removed the seed from my body.

That left me with just one problem. “Where the fuck am I gonna find cherry blossom seeds in the middle of winter?” I asked.

“Why do you need seeds?” Kat asked.

“To test one of my abilities.”

“A plant store, perhaps? I imagine some of your subjects would be interested in planting flowers anyway. You could send them to see if they could find any.”

“God dammit, I guess that means I need to find Gloomy…”

“Would you like me to?”

“If you want, sure. I’m heading down to the sun room.”

“I shall join you as soon as I find Gloomy.”

I didn’t know if I’d keep reading, but I went ahead and grabbed the book anyway. Honestly, after all the time on the ship, sitting in complete silence kinda got to me. I was used to at least a little background noise. The chances of getting annoyed increased a lot by going downstairs, but I had a feeling it would also put my mind at ease to be around other people.

When I got to the first floor, I found that all the decorations had been removed, minus the bonsai tree. It just got shoved into a corner. Hopefully someone would continue to take care of it. We might as well keep the piece of shit alive after stealing it from Celestia.

Silver Quill, Gilda, Spike, Zecora, Watcher, and a few of the guards were all in the sun room. Spike lit up when he saw me and ran over to snatch me into a hug. Apparently he also decided picking me up was acceptable, because that’s just what he did. “It’s good to see you, Navi,” he said while crushing my face into his hard chest.

“It would be better if I could actually see you,” I replied. He was holding on so tightly that I couldn’t even hug back.

“Oh, er… right.” He eased up, but didn’t let go. “I heard you had a party last night.”

“Yep. So are you just gonna keep pretending I like being picked up?”

“Well, yeah. That way I can keep getting away with it.”

“Spike, put me down.”

He sighed in disappointment, but let me go. “Why don’t you ever let me carry you around?”

“Because your body is hard and ungiving. I’d let Gilda carry me around because she’s soft and squishy.”

“Hey, I ain’t squishy!”

“Right, sorry. I’d let Gilda carry me around because she’s soft and fluffy.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“So why wasn’t I invited to the party?” Spike asked.

“Because I didn’t know where you were. You didn’t exactly leave a mailing address.”

“You’ll be invited to the one I’m throwing,” Gilda said. “But since Nav here didn’t let me know when she was getting a house, it’s gonna be delayed by a week or two.”

“Yeah, I’m going out of town soon, too,” I said. “Twilight’s dragging me to some griffin festival.”

“Hey, Gilda’s also dragging me to one!” Spike said. “She won’t tell me anything about it, though…”

“I can’t believe you’re going,” Gilda said. “I thought you’d be too worried about your lady-like rep.”

“I’m going in disguise as a pony,” I said with a shrug. “So I can have all the fun I want with whoever I want.”

“Nice. What city you gonna be in?”

“Gryphus. Princess Gilda also invited me to a few events. Not sure what she has in mind, but I figured I’d stop by while I was in town. What about you?”

“We’ll travel,” she said with a shrug. “We both got wings, so it shouldn’t be hard. But we’ll definitely end in Gryphus. That’s where the best events usually are.”

“Good. Right after the festival, we’re going on a mission. The ship’s gonna pick me up in Gryphus. I was hoping you two would come with.”

“What’s the job?” Gilda asked.

“We’re breaking into a human bunker.”

Her eyes went fiery orange. “I take it that we are also invited?” Blaze asked.

“Sure, if you want. The place is supposedly the most well-defended vault on the planet, so the more the merrier.”

“Why’s it so well guarded?” Spike asked.

“No fucking clue. I assume if it’s guarded, it’s guarded for a reason. I can’t imagine what kind of information survived, but I plan to find out. Princess Gilda built a team to help us infiltrate it. Between what she has and what I have, it should go fairly easily.”

“That’s just jinxing it,” Watcher sighed.

“Cry me a river. You know you love the challenge.” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, aside from the upcoming festivities, I’m planning on being in Canterlot for a while. Gilda, you can get a room here if you want. Same for you, Spike.”

“I wouldn’t mind some time to relax,” Gilda said. “And I gotta say, I dig this place’s location. I can get a perfect running start off the cliff. I’ll probably be coming and going, though.”

“I’ll be here to stay,” Spike said with a nod. “I might visit Ponyville sometimes, but probably not for more than a day.”

“Cool beans. Feel free to pick whatever room you want that isn’t claimed. We’re light on servants at the moment, so don’t expect much in the way of service. And when you mess up your bedsheets, you better be the ones cleaning them. For now, at least.”

“Lame. When you hirin’ more help?” Gilda asked.

“As soon as I can find anyone willing to actually work for me. Apparently my reputation is pretty bad for some reason.”

“Is it because of all the weird, kinky sex?” Spike asked.

“No, it’s because go fuck yourself,” I replied.

“Oh, so it’s because you’re vulgar, crude, and not at all lady-like?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“I dunno. You’re looking pretty cute and lady-like to me.”

“Stop trying to make me blush.”

“What do you mean, trying?” Watcher asked. “I think you like being complimented by handsome dragons.”

“Spike is apparently way too young for me,” I said. “Or at least, according to him. He thinks I’m an old lady.”

“Hey, you dwarfed me when you were a dragon!”

“Yeah, which is why I’m telling you not to make me blush. Stop hitting on old ladies.”

“You can try to make me blush all you want,” Gilda said with a smirk. “I’m young and hip, not old and square.”

“Yeah, but Nav’s a much easier target,” Spike said. “She isn’t used to anyone thinking she’s pretty! That’s why she always wears such cute dresses.”

“Or, and this is just a guess, they’re easy to put on, they fit around my shitty tail, and Rarity keeps making the fuckers.”

“And because you like to tease your troops,” Watcher said.

“Yes, and because I like to tease my troops. Well, and everyone else. I gotta say, being a complete slut is kinda fun.”

“Hah, I knew you’d come to enjoy being a girl!” Spike said, clapping me on the back.

“Keep up that talk and I’ll put Doppel in charge of you. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind another maid to order around.”

“Hey, he’s mine to order around!” Gilda said. “That bug can get in line.”

“I dunno. If you keep losing those bets, I imagine he’ll be giving the orders soon.” Sure enough, that made her blush. “See there, Spike? It’s not hard at all.”

“We’ll see who’s blushing after I’m done with you!” she growled, getting ready to pounce. As soon as she did, Spike jumped in front of me and caught her.

“Your hugs are always the best, honey,” Spike said, cuddling her close. She tried swatting at me with her talons, but I was too far away.

“Oh, I’ll get you yet, hussy,” Gilda said, narrowing her eyes.

“Maybe you’ll bump into me in Gryphus,” I replied with a smirk.

“You better believe I’ll hunt you down. And without Spike there to save you, you’ll be all mine. I still remember what you did to me and Dashie!”

Oh shit, I forgot about that. “I thought you were going to try taking the high road from now on. You know, forgiving and forgetting?”

“I think I know just what I’m gonna do with you when I catch you. It’s gonna be a lotta fun. For me, that is.”

“You’re so adorable when you’re thinking mean thoughts,” I said. I kinda wanted to reach out and boop her, but I really didn’t want to get closer.

“Tch. If you’re gonna keep carrying me, it better be to a bed! I haven’t had any good dick since we got off the stupid ship.”

“Welp, can’t say no to that,” Spike replied. “I’m gonna go hunt down an empty room.”

“Don’t destroy any beds,” I said as he started carrying her out. Gilda stuck her tongue out at me.

Right as they left, Kat walked in with Gloomy at her side. “What did everyone think of my decorations?” she immediately asked.

“The general consensus is that they were lovely,” I replied. Mind, I didn’t actually ask anyone, but she didn’t need to know that. Of course, she squee’d and bounced in place at the news. “I was wondering if you could possibly do me another favor.”

“Anything for you, Navi!” Watcher cleared his throat. “Need some water, sir?”

“That would be ‘my lady’ to you, Gloomy,” he said.

“But you’re not a lady!” She blinked a few times. “Er… Are you?”

“Lady Navarone is your lady. She is not ‘Navi’.”

“Right, of course. What did I say?”

“Navi.”

“Oh. That doesn’t sound like me at all! Are you sure?”

“See to it that it doesn’t happen again, Gloomy.”

“You got it, my lady! So what do you need, Navi?” Watcher groaned.

“Come with me for a moment,” I said.

“Right behind you!” She and Kat followed me out to the backyard, where I immediately realized I was not dressed appropriately at all. I powered through it, because I was too proud to go find a coat.

Once the door was closed behind us, I said, “Do you think you could handle gardening?”

“I know I can handle gardening!”

“Good. I have two tasks for you. The first one is considerably more important and nobody else is to know about it. Find me as many cherry blossom tree seeds as you can.”

“Um. That might not be easy, but I won’t let you down! What’s the second? Ooh, do I get to garden?!”

“Yes. Plant whatever you want back here, as long as it’s pretty, not dangerous, and easy to take care of. Use that as a guise for getting as many cherry blossom seeds as you can. Bring the seeds directly to me as soon as you get back with them. Feel free to begin planting flowers or whatever else whenever you want.”

“...Whatever else, you say?”

“Gloomy, please don’t make this difficult,” I sighed. “Whatever else within the bounds of what Watcher would consider reasonable. I’m giving you enough freedom to do the right thing. Don’t fuck it up.”

“I would never!” she said, recoiling in horror. “I’ll make you proud, my lady!”

“Good. Get the money you need from Doppel or Silver. Don’t steal any plants from the palace. But if you can’t find any seeds anywhere else, do whatever it takes to get them.”

“Are you gonna grow a cherry blossom orchard?” she asked.

“Something like that. See if you can find a reliable supply. I might need more later.”

“You got it, Lady Navi!” She jumped forward to hug me, then zipped back off into the house.

“Why can’t she tell anyone about the seeds?” Kat asked. “Just what manner of ability is this?”

“The kind that the less is said about, the better,” I replied. “There are magically prying ears everywhere.” If Celestia ever gets it in her head that I need to go down, I don’t want her to know that I have a backup plan or two.

“...As you wish.”

“There will be a time and a place for this conversation, along with many others,” I said. “Trust me when I say that it’s coming soon.”

“I trust you completely, Nav.”

“Good.” Kinda weird, but good. “Now let’s get the fuck out of the cold.”

“With pleasure.”

When we got back inside, we joined Watcher and Zecora at their table. “Zecora has been telling me something very interesting about your house, my lady,” Watcher said when I sat down.

“What’s that?”

“Apparently it’s a little bit haunted.”

“Weird. She told me it was a lot haunted. I got to meet one of the ghosts last night.”

“She also told me that you agreed to help exorcise them.”

“She did, did she?”

“Yes.”

“Well, she’s telling the truth. To be fair, I told her it was dumb, but ended up agreeing to it anyway.”

“Oh. So… Why?”

“If the world’s as haunted as she says it is, and I have every reason to believe that it is, then I figure we won’t have better luck anywhere else. I’d rather deal with the problem we have than find new ones.”

“A very wise answer,” Zecora said.

“You’re just saying that because she’s agreeing with you,” Watcher replied. “We’ve all seen what spirits are capable of. Every one of us saw Nav after Spike pulled her out of that bunker.”

“Which is why it’s best that they move on,” Zecora said. “Surely you agree that those with the ability to act should do so. For the first time in a very long time, the dead have a voice. I can help them move on. I can help ease their pain. Could you deny such a noble cause?”

“Pretty easily, yeah,” Watcher said. “When it puts the lives of those under me at risk. I think this is a mistake.”

“Hey Silver, you mind joining us for a moment?” I called. She flinched but trotted over.

“What do you need, my lady?”

“How quickly could you find another house that fits my needs?”

“Um. What’s wrong with this one?”

“Hypothetically.”

“Well… Apparently that disgusting real estate mare was part of a guild in Canterlot and she blacklisted you for, and I quote, ‘Kidnapping a beautiful unicorn mare and holding her against her will’. So it could take a while.”

“God dammit. Where did you even find that crazy bitch?”

“Princess Celestia recommended her to me personally while you were in Iceland.”

“Of course she did,” I sighed. “What about land? Is there anywhere I can buy a plot of land here and build whatever I want?”

“...In short, no.”

“In long?”

“Uh… Definitely no? You might be able to find a few acres here and there that are for sale, but none that are close enough together that you could build a decent house on. Even if you could, the price would be… unbelievable.”

I looked back at Watcher. “Looks like we’re playing Ghostbusters.”

“What do you mean, ghostbusters?” Silver asked.

“This house is haunted,” Watcher said. Silver’s eyes went wide.

“Technically speaking, just about every house is haunted,” I said. “If I had to guess, I’d say the ones that stupid bitch sells are extra haunted. That’s probably why one was abandoned for so long and why this one ends up on the market so much.”

“So w-what are we g-gonna do?” she asked.

“Set them free,” Zecora said.

“Since we ain’t got much of a choice, that’s pretty much it,” I replied with a shrug. “No way in hell we’re gonna get another house like this one in Canterlot now. Not unless you wanna go on another date with that crazy chick.”

“Ugh, no.”

“Then exorcism it is.” I hope the ghosts don’t mind watching a lot of weird, kinky sex.

“But they aren’t gonna… hurt us, are they?”

“I think it’s unlikely,” Zecora said. “Most spirits mean the living no direct harm. However, they will indirectly guide our paths, should we not watch our steps. If we are unwary, they will unwillingly lead us to unpleasant demises and we will join them, increasing their power.”

“So avoid doing anything spooky,” I said, reaching over to boop her on the nose. “It’s probably a ghost telling you to do it.”

“Why do you poke us on the nose?” she asked.

“Most of you make these adorable scrunchy faces when I do it. See, watch.” I reached over to boop Watcher, but he smacked my hand away. “Ugh, you never let me have anything nice.”

“That’s my job as your guard captain,” he said. “So since we’re stuck with these ghosts, what’s our game plan?”

“Do whatever Zecora says,” I replied with a shrug. “She’s scoped out one of the ghosts already and was supposed to talk to Doppel about it this morning.”

“I haven’t been able to find her. She’s apparently in town.”

“Oh yeah, she went to get a piano. I didn’t think she would do it immediately, though.”

“Did you expect her to wait?” Kat asked. “You told her to do it, so she went to do it.”

“Well I mean, yeah, but I meant do it in the figurative sense, not the literal sense.”

“...Do you ever really think about what you say before you say it?” Watcher asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Work on that. Why are we getting a piano?”

“So Spider will have a reason to be in the house and so any guests can see him doing something nice instead of something scary, like eating birds or hanging around the tree.”

“Oh, good. I was trying to think of something to suggest that would accomplish the same thing. A piano would be perfect. It would be nice to have some music in here anyway.”

“It’s gonna be interesting seeing him play with all of his legs,” I said.

“...Didn’t you teach him how?” Watcher asked.

“Flo did, using my body. I never paid attention.”

“Wow. Are you deliberately being mean to that child or do you just not care at all?”

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I’m honestly and legitimately a shitty person. I don’t know how you’re just now noticing.”

“No you’re not, which is why I’ve always wondered why you’re so… completely apathetic towards him. Are you just ashamed that you almost killed him or is it really because he’s a spider?”

“It’s because go fuck yourself. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine, I’ll tell Gourd to add that to his list.” I flipped him off. “What does that mean?”

“It means fuck you.”

“You can’t just keep telling me to fuck off, Nav.”

“No, I’m being serious, that’s what it means.”

“I know.”

“Oh, I thought you meant… Never mind. Point is, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then it’s a good thing you signed that contract Gourd gave you. Well, those contracts Gourd gave you. I hope the sex was worth it.”

“If I could remember, I’d let you know,” I sighed.

“If it makes you feel any better, he brags about it all the time when you’re not around,” Watcher said. “It’s honestly kinda annoying.”

“So is being forced to talk about shit I don’t want to talk about.”

“Life is full of annoyances,” Zecora said. “Getting used to them is part of maturing.”

“I’m a child at heart,” I sarcastically replied.

“And that makes Gourd a pedophile,” Kat said with a nod.

“Right, exactly, and who the fuck wants to listen to a pervert?” I asked.

“Talking to you really is like talking to a child at times,” Watcher said, shaking his head.

“Staves and stones may crack my bones, but words hurt even worse,” I said.

“Then use them more wisely,” Watcher said. “Anyway, getting back onto subjects that actually matter, when are you leaving for Gryphus?”

“Some time tomorrow,” I said. “Not sure exactly when. It’ll be nice to get away from being a noble for a while. This shit sucks.”

“Yes, I’m sure everyone bowing and scraping and following your every order gets tiresome,” Watcher sarcastically replied.

“Mostly the parts where I have to wear pretty dresses, get complimented by stallions all the time, and have to moderate what I say. That said, the bowing and scraping also gets pretty dull, and so does being in charge all the time.”

“Good thing you have Twilight to scratch that particular itch,” Watcher said with a smirk.

“You wouldn’t believe how many wet dreams the two of us feature in,” I said. “We don’t even cause most of them. I think there’s more with me and Fleur, though.”

“You… you can see our dreams?” Silver asked. I had actually forgotten she was still standing there.

“Yes, and I can manipulate them. I’ve stopped you from having nightmares a few times. You know, you can sit down if you want.”

She walked over to a chair and sat, then leaned in closer to me. “Manipulate them… how, exactly?”

“Any way I want. I can add people, take people away, change the scenery, modify anyone in any way.”

“She mostly uses it to give ponies wet dreams,” Watcher said.

“Hey, that’s not true. I use it to fight nightmares.”

“Tell that to Rainbow Dash.”

“She asked me for a few dream favors. I was happy to comply. It’s not my fault that what she asked for were wet dreams in variously kinky scenarios.” For some reason, that made Silver Quill blush. “For your information, I would be happy to do the same for anyone who asks. Who do you want to dream about fucking, Watcher? Celestia? Princess Gilda? Twilight? Me? Say the word and I’ll make it happen.”

“I prefer reality to dreams any day,” he said.

“So you do… take requests, though?” Silver asked.

“Yeah. You got any?”

“O-oh, no… O-of course n-not, don’t be silly…”

“Alright, whatever. If you change your mind, just let me know. Anyway, I’ll want everyone combat ready after the festival ends. Once I speak with Gilda and the leader of her infiltration team, we’ll try to come up with an action plan. If anyone else is interested in going to the festival and having a lot of sex with super horny and virile griffins, they’re free to do so. Looking at you, Silver. Remember, your vacation also starts tomorrow.”

“Oh my… I had actually forgotten!”

“Well, there’s your reminder. Do we have any idea when the changeling ship is getting back?”

“We don’t,” Watcher replied. “I imagine it’ll be some time while you’re gone. If it does arrive in time, I’d like permission to send a team on it to the bunker to do some scouting.”

“Granted. You want Kat to go with?”

“If possible,” he said, looking at her.

“I had… other plans, but if Nav wants me there, I will comply.”

“Those plans wouldn’t happen to have involved sneakily following me to Gryphus and stalking me from the shadows, would they?” I asked.

“...Of course not.”

“Go with Watcher’s team. I want as much information going into it as I can and at the moment, we have basically none.

“As you wish, my lady,” she said, though she sounded very regretful.

“Just so we’re clear, my wishes very much don’t involve being followed to Gryphus and stalked from the shadows.” I looked directly at Watcher and added, “By anybody.”

“I had no intentions of ordering anyone to follow you,” he said. “I am, however, giving two of my squads the week off and a few of them were talking about going to Gryphus for the festival. As far as I know, they have no intention of stalking you, but I’m not going to tell them they can’t enjoy their time off because you’re feeling paranoid.”

“...Fair enough.”

“However, it is my professional opinion that you’re going to be very vulnerable and having a guard or two watching your back might not necessarily be a bad thing. Griffins can be volatile, especially when all of them are in heat. None of us want you to get hurt.”

“And I’m not going to make any guards watch their lady get fucked every way it’s possible to get fucked.”

“...We can be discreet.”

“Yeah, and I can be careful. I’ve been taking care of myself for quite a while.”

“As a human. As a pony… Well, even with Twilight there, I’m going to worry.”

“The water elementals aren’t too enthusiastic about it, either,” Kat said.

“They can eat a dick. Two of them have already broken into my house and it’s been, what, less than a week? They need to get their shit together.”

“You can order us not to follow you, but I don’t think they’d be interested in following that particular order,” Kat said. “And knowing Flo, she would follow you to the ends of the Earth to keep you safe.”

“Well, they’re going to be super bored,” I said. “Because I’m sure nothing’s going to go wrong and I’ll be just fine.”

For some reason, that made Watcher sigh. “You just love jinxing things, don’t you?”

“Hell yeah I do. I hope I run into some trouble. It’ll make things more exciting.”

Kat shook her head. “That is precisely why I think you shouldn’t go alone, Nav. You have this penchant for going toward trouble instead of avoiding it.”

“I’m not going alone. Twiley’s gonna be with me. You guys just worry too much. Chill out. It’s not like I’m irreplaceable. Watcher’s better at leading troops, Gourd’s better at managing people, Twilight’s better at diplomacy. If I get brutally raped to death by a bunch of griffons, it’s not like it’ll really matter.”

Kat reached over, grabbed one of my hands, and yanked me closer. Her eyes picked up a disturbing intensity as she hissed, “Don’t. You. Ever. Say that again. You are everything to us.”

“...’Kay.” She let me go, thankfully, but her eyes didn’t lose their intensity.

“You are our lady,” Watcher said. “I have a feeling that without you here to lead us, this expedition would flounder.”

“Have some more self-confidence, Watcher. You could do it easily.”

“Have some more self-worth, my lady,” he replied.

“...You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom.”

“Fine, I’ll tell Twilight to tell you to have more self-worth.”

“I said mom, not dom.”

“What, she never makes you call her mommy?”

Shit, he got me. “I knew you fuckers were listening in!”

“It’s hard not to, when she forgets to soundproof the room. It’s not exactly a large ship and the walls are uncomfortably thin.”

“Tch, uncomfortably? You can’t tell me you don’t enjoy it.”

“Some of us enjoy sleeping at night.”

“Uh huh. And are you one of them?”

“...Sometimes.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Look, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that mare on woman isn’t super sexy, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it all night.”

“Suuuure.”

“I’d much rather join.”

“Back up.” He actually stuck his tongue out at me. I flipped him off again. “I think your striped mistress might not approve.”

“His striped mistress does not mind,” Zecora said with a grin.

Wow. “What happened to being inappropriate?” I asked.

“You becoming a noble and me becoming your vassal,” he replied with a shrug. “I know it’s never gonna happen, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tease you about it.”

“...When’s your birthday?”

His eyebrows shot up. “In a few months.”

“‘Kay.” Thankfully, the entrance of Doppel cut the conversation off. She walked over my way immediately. “Welcome back. Any luck?”

“Of course, my lady. I would never let you down. The delivery stallions are prepared to have it teleported in at your word.”

I was kinda wondering how they were gonna get it in here. “Tell ‘em to go for it,” I said. “Is it already tuned?”

“It was before we got it, but they told me that moving it here might have gotten it out of tune. The previous owner was happy to give me the card of a piano tuner, though.”

“Excellent. We can send someone to find him later. Once you get it teleported in, Zecora wanted to talk to you. I’m gonna go find Spider.”

She curtsied and left, humming happily. “Do you want me to go with you?” Kat asked.

“No.” I set the book on the table and hopped up. “And don’t touch that book, either.” She didn’t particularly look inclined, but I didn’t want anyone reading it until I had finished it. And honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone reading it after that. Keeping my abilities secret might come in handy.

“I couldn’t read it anyway,” she replied. I finally walked off, heading to the back yard. It was only when I got out that I remembered how fucking cold it was out there. One of these days, I’m gonna remember that it’s winter before stepping outside. My nipples were already poking out, not that it meant much.

Spider was still in the tree doing his thing, so that’s where I headed. He either didn’t hear me coming or chose to ignore me. “Hey Spider, how’s it hanging?” I asked.

He flinched, then turned to face me. “I am hanging well, high lady. Is there some way I can assist you?”

“Nah. I have a gift for you.” All eight of his eyes blinked. “Come on, it’s inside.”

“I do not require any gifts, my lady.”

“Gifts aren’t things you require, Spider. They’re things you get because someone else thinks it’ll make you happy. So come on down and let’s head inside.”

“...As you wish, high lady.” He skittered down from the tree, but didn’t get anywhere near me. I was perfectly okay with that, so I started leading the way toward the house. “Why did you get me a gift?”

“Because I think it’ll make you happy.” That answer probably surprised him. To be fair, it was kinda a lie. I mostly did it to get Kat and Doppel off my back. Making him happy was just icing on the cake. Since I didn’t want to deal with Kat’s smug look, we went in through one of the side doors. The piano was already in place in one of the corners. “This is for you,” I said as we walked up to it.

“I… I don’t understand.”

“This piano is for you to play whenever you want,” I said. “I think everyone in the house would enjoy hearing you play. It’s currently out of tune, but that’s gonna be fixed soon. As soon as it is, you’re welcome to have at it.”

“But… why?”

“Because you’re a part of this house, Spider. There’s no reason for you to feel like you need to stay outside in the cold. Now you have a piece of the house all to yourself. You can use it to fill the air with soothing music.”

“But I thought you… you...”

“I think you’re a part of this house, just as much as anyone else. This is my way of showing that I want you here, Spider. This is my way of showing that I think you belong. And in a way, it’s part of how I’m going to say that I’m sorry for what I almost did to you. When I… almost killed you, I was angry, but it wasn’t at you. I made a mistake, a mistake that I very dearly regret. You have nothing to fear from me, Spider. I have no intention of hurting you.”

He was staring at the piano, presumably uncertainly. I dunno, it was hard to tell with his eight creepy eyes.

“I am sorry, Spider,” I said. “I really am. I know there’s no excuse for it, but if I had been in the right frame of mind, I never would have done it. I was just taking my anger and helplessness out on someone else. It was wrong and I hate that it was the first side of me you saw. Despite what you may think and despite how I act, I don’t hate you. You don’t have to live outside if you don’t want to. You belong in here just as much as any of us.”

It took him a while to come up with an answer and his eyes never left the piano. “When can I begin playing?” he finally asked.

“Whenever you want, but it probably won’t sound right until it’s been tuned. You’re free to get any musical books you want.”

“Can I… write my own?”

“Sure. I have contacts in the music industry if you ever decide you want to try to sell them. This piano is yours to use however you want.”

“And can you keep teaching me?”

“I have absolutely no idea how to play the piano. That was Flo, and Flo is no longer in me.”

“Oh… Why not?”

“Because she abused my trust. I’m still deciding how to handle that relationship.”

“...She’s really nice.”

“Yeah. Sometimes nice people make mistakes.”

“...Like you?”

“There aren’t many people who think that I’m nice.”

“I do…”

Now we’re getting somewhere. “Welcome to the minority.” Actually, these days that might not be true. “Anyway, do you want to join the others in the sun room?”

“I think I wanna stay here for now…”

“Alrighty. You’re welcome to join us if you want.”

“...Thank you, high lady. For everything.”

“You’re welcome for everything.” Not sure what everything entails, but whatever. I was done with him at that point, so I went back to the sun room. Silver Quill was at her table again, working on whatever she normally works on. Kat was watching me approach, her tail wagging. Zecora and Watcher had fucked off at some point.

“So how’d it go?” Kat asked as soon as I sat down.

“I dunno. I’m a bad judge of these things.”

“Surely you have some impressions.” I just shrugged. “Then that means it went well and you’re just being humble because you don’t want me to congratulate you for finally trying to make amends.” I stared at her smiling face for a few long seconds before opening the book and continuing to read. As soon as I found my place, she walked over and hugged me. “Thank you, Nav.”

“I didn’t do shit. The piano was your idea and Doppel was the one who actually got it.”

“You made the effort. For now, that’s enough.”

Why can’t it always be enough? That would make life so much easier. “I’m so glad you’re easy to satisfy.”

“Not nearly as easy as you, Navi,” she said, nuzzling me one last time before pulling back with a grin.

“I can’t help that I’m sensitive,” I muttered, trying to go back to reading.

“I’m gonna go talk to Spider. See you soon, Navi!” She reached down to boop me on the nose and then walked off. Fucking adorable catgirls. Why do they have to be my weakness?

Before I could get more than a few paragraphs in, a guard cleared his throat behind me. “You have visitors, my lady,” he said.

God dammit. What, does having a house give everyone the right to bother me whenever they want? I turned to face him and found that he was alone. “Where are they?”

“In the entry hall, my lady. Would you like me to bring them?”

“Sure.”

He bowed. “As you wish.”

“You don’t have to bow to me.”

“I like bowing to powerful mares.”

“...You definitely don’t have to bow to me.”

“Hm… Watcher will have my tail if I don’t, so I think I’ll keep it up. I’ll show them to you at once, my lady.”

Somewhat surprisingly, my visitors happened to be Rarity and Fluttershy. The guard walked them up to me with a smile and bowed again. “I present Miss Rarity and Miss Fluttershy, my lady.”

“Thank you. You may return to your post.”

“Of course, my lady. As always, it’s a pleasure to serve.” His smile almost made me gag a little.

Fucking weirdo. Why are all of Watcher’s guards so fucked up? Fluttershy was looking around the room in wonder. Rarity’s eyes were all for the view off the cliff. “Welcome to Stormview, ladies,” I said with a grin. “It’s nice to see you again.” Well, one of you. I guess I can tolerate the other one.

“This house is lovely, Nav,” Fluttershy said.

“And that view is incredible!” Rarity added.

“You’re free to get a closer look, if you want,” I said. “And you should see it when there’s a storm coming in. That’s where the name comes from.”

“I believe I chose the wrong profession,” Rarity said. “I should have become the princess’s… hmm, what exactly is your position, again?” I shrugged. “Well, no matter. It certainly pays handsomely, if you can afford to live in such luxury.”

“Most of that money came from plagiarizing books, actually. Some of it came from minor technologies that I sold through Filthy Rich. A wee bit of it came from a gem mine. A very miniscule portion came from working with Celestia. And let me tell you, that miniscule portion did not make up for all the horrific bullshit it’s put me through.”

“Well, if it’s taken you here, I’d say it might have been worth it, regardless.”

“Wanna trade positions?”

“Absolutely not. Though if you’re looking to trade titles…”

“Too late, that marriage proposal is off the table.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, what brings you two by?”

“Oh, a few reasons,” Rarity said. “The rest of your clothing is done. I left it very neatly folded and packaged in your exquisite entry hall.”

“And we both wanted to thank you,” Fluttershy said. “I never thought I would have that much money before!”

“And yes, we most definitely wanted to thank you,” Rarity said with a huge grin. “You would not believe what that much money means to us! And I mean all of us, not just Fluttershy and I.”

“Yeah, I already spoke to Applejack about it,” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck. “She was a little excited.”

“More than a little, actually,” Rarity said. “In fact, she’s been extremely vocal about your generosity.”

God dammit. “I hope you told her to shove a sock in it,” I sighed.

“Why ever would I? Generosity should always be rewarded and applauded, Nav. I should know.”

“And what exactly do you think the response is gonna be to me giving you guys a shitton of cash?”

“Ponies thinking that you’re generous, of course. Trust me when I say that it’s always a plus.”

“And you don’t think any of them might come to me for a handout?”

That stumped her. It did not stump Fluttershy, however. “After all your time living here, do you really think ponies would do that, Nav? Especially the ones in Ponyville.”

“...No, actually. I’m sure there are ponies out there who would, but probably not in Horseville.”

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Rarity said with a grin. “So how would you like to return with us, hm? There are quite a few ponies in town that are jealous of all the time you spend here in Canterlot. While I certainly understand the appeal of the capital, you must admit that Ponyville has its charm.”

“I mean… I’m going out of town tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to stay long,” Fluttershy said. “It’s not a long train ride.”

“I’d love to see Ponyville,” Kat suddenly said from next to me, which made me jump. “You spoke about it at length in Egypt…”

“You could show her around,” Rarity said with a smile. “Come on, Navi. Don’t tell us you already have plans today…?”

“Well, I have this book I kinda really need to read…”

“You’d have time on the train,” Fluttershy said.

Well, I did need to go back at some point… “Okay, but I need to wait for someone to get back. She’s bringing something that I need.”

“Perfect,” Rarity said, her grin turning into a smirk. “I’m sure that’ll leave us enough time to doll you up…”

“Yeah, probs. I’m gonna go ahead and assume I don’t have much of a choice in the matter?”

“There’s always a choice,” Kat said, stroking my feathery wing. “You may choose the easy way or the hard way.”

“My only demand is that you also doll Fluttershy up,” I said with a nod.

“Wait, wh—”

Rarity shoved a hoof in Fluttershy’s mouth and said, “Deal! Now come along, let’s go unpack those dresses!”

As Rarity led Fluttershy away, thoughts of frills and lace dancing about in her head, I grabbed Kat by the arm and pulled her closer to whisper, “Go to the basement and get the box labeled ‘Used sex toys’.”

“I’m gonna have to ask you why, Nav.”

“Because if I don’t have the extremely potent alcohol in there, this day is going to end with you stringing Rarity up by her intestines.”

“I’ll bring it right up,” she happily replied. I let her go and she pranced off. I sighed and followed Rarity. My father always knew I’d end up a day drinker. Gotta say, he was wrong about why, but it was still a pretty good guess. Let’s see, I’m gonna go with surprise Pinkie party. It’ll probably have everyone in the town and they’re all gonna be super stoked to see me in a dress.

The sound of Rarity’s cackling made me shiver down to my core. The look in her eyes as she sized me up made me feel more naked than I knew I was about to be.

Kat better fucking hurry with that package.

Somehow I knew she wouldn’t make it in time.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Eight

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Eight

“So is it, like, sexual for you?” I asked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Rarity stuffily replied, pulling the lace tighter.

“She has a point,” Kat said. “From what I’ve seen, at least.”

“You’re both perverts,” she said. “I’ve come to expect it from Nav, but I thought you would have more class.”

“Well, now that they mention it…” Fluttershy quietly said. Rarity stared at her in shock. “What? Rainbow Dash pointed it out years ago! I just thought it was a coincidence...”

“If my time spent around Navarone has taught me anything, it’s that there are more perverts in this world than I could have ever imagined,” Rarity sighed, shaking her head.

“Yeah, and you’re one of them,” I replied. “I mean, shit, how many has it been? At least three that we know about. Even if it’s not sexual, that’s still not normal.”

“How would it be normal if it was sexual?!” she hissed.

“See, now that’s an angle I could see you going with,” I said. “I mean, if you’re ashamed of it, I can understand not wanting to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she immediately said.

“Exactly. It’s a weird fetish, but there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Because it’s not sexual!”

“Then why is it that every time you meet a little boy, your first impulse is to dress him up like a girl?” I asked. “Because there’s one hundred percent a fetish for that and I guarantee you at least half the people on our boat think you have it, myself included.” Her face lit up bright red in what was either anger or humiliation. “I mean, Spike? Spider? Me, once you realized how small I was? Like, fuck. Are you telling me there’s nothing sexual in your mind about putting a guy in a dress? That it’s all a complete coincidence?”

It took her several long seconds to reply. When she did, her tone sounded very diplomatic. “I take great pride in my work, Lady Navarone. I take greater pride in knowing that I have helped a friend find who they really are. To me, the ultimate form of generosity is helping a friend be happy with him or herself.”

“Right, and you do that by trying to dress up every little boy you come across.”

“It’s not every little colt!”

“Yeah, just the ones that you have access to for long enough. After enough time, you convince yourself that everything they do proves that they’re really trans and that it’s your job to help them realize it, so you’re able to excuse your fetish away by rationalizing that you’re just helping them. You know it’s wrong and you feel super dirty about it, so you do your best to hide it and deflect every chance anyone might bring it up, then get super defensive when they press the point until they give up.”

“Wow,” Kat said.

“...Do you need to talk about something?” Fluttershy asked me.

“I do not have a fetish for dressing colts up like fillies!” Rarity shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Rarity,” I said. “You’re among friends. You can admit it.”

“Is this how you thank me for taking time out of my schedule to fix your wonderful clothes and prettify you for your trip to Ponyville?” she asked.

“No, this is how I get back at you for forcing me to dress up despite knowing that I hate doing it.”

“You agreed to let us do it!”

“Only because I didn’t have a choice.”

“There is always a choice,” Kat said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “You chose the easy way of letting Rarity prettify you instead of the hard way of listening to her whine all day.”

“Wait, those were my choices?!”

“Of course. What did you think I meant?”

“That I could do it the easy way by agreeing to get prettified or the hard way by getting forcibly prettified!”

“Oh. Well, you misunderstood.”

“God damm—”

“But it’s too late now!” Rarity said, making one last modification. “You look simply divine, Lady Navarone!”

I stared at myself in the mirror. My dead twin sister’s face stared back at me with sullen and haunted eyes. “I will never get used to that,” I sighed, looking lower.

“You can get used to anything,” Rarity said.

“Not seeing my dead twin sister’s face in the mirror,” I muttered. She flinched. I guess at least this way, I can see her grow older with me. The dress Rarity had me in was pink, because of course it was. It was also very frilly, because what better way to make me suffer? She told me it was to help hide the tail. She may have been right, but I knew she really just wanted to watch me die inside. They also had me in bright white stockings and long white gloves, to help keep me warm. There was no insulation that could protect me from my cold heart, unfortunately. The only reason I didn’t have heels on is because I threatened to stab both of them through Rarity’s eyes if she came near me with them. Instead, they had me in some comfortable sandal-type shoes.

When I finished looking myself over, I snatched the flask from Kat’s paw and took a shot. I have a feeling I’m gonna need to import more of this from the griffins.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” Rarity sighed.

“It’s the only way I’m gonna make it through the day,” I said, placing the flask back in Kat’s paw.

“I meant trying to ruin your makeup. You must learn to drink from things properly or else you’ll leave lipstick stains everywhere! Besides, if you want a healthier way to make it through the day, just look at how cute Fluttershy is! Surely that must warm your heart and make you want to go on.”

That made Fluttershy blush, of course. It was also true, because Rarity had her looking about as adorable as possible. Her hair had been curled, courtesy of Kat. Her tail had been braided, courtesy of Ava. She was in a pure white dress that hugged her curves but still managed to seem modest. She was also wearing long stockings, but only on her back legs. I had a feeling all the stallions would be staring at her as we walked past.

Well, those who weren’t distracted by my obviously superior beauty.

“I will admit that we all did a good job with her, but it isn’t enough to get me over the intense burning hatred I feel for everything right now.”

“Good, then you won’t need to cover up your wonderful dress with a jacket,” Rarity said with a nod. “Now, are you ready?”

Since Gloomy brought me all the seeds she could find on such short notice already (which happened to be exactly one) and I already had it taped in my belly button, there was no real reason to put it off any longer. “Yes, but I’m definitely bringing a coat. Unfortunately, intensely burning hatred doesn’t really do much to actually keep you warm, it just keeps you going despite not being warm.”

“Which is why I fill my heart with warm love instead,” Rarity said.

“Gaaay.” She rolled her eyes.

“It actually is a little gay,” Kat quietly said.

“It’s good to know your vassals are loyal,” Rarity said. “Even if it means they’re picking up your detestable behavior.”

“Nav’s behavior is not detestable,” Kat said. “She is a lady. That means her behavior is ladylike.”

“Yeah, so go fuck yourself,” I said, flipping her off. “And then help me pick a coat, because we might as well go full retard since we’re already most of the way there.”

“And that is how you ask for my help?”

“...Pretty please with sugar on top?”

She sighed dramatically and used magic to float a white coat over. “You’re welcome. Now let us depart! I would hate to miss the train.” Note to self: Get a chariot that I can hook up to pegasi.

“Then I’ll need one more thing,” I said, walking over to my desk.

“You aren’t paying for anything today, Navi,” Fluttershy said. “Everything’s on us!”

“I don’t need bits to take the train, actually,” I replied, rummaging around in one of the drawers. “Not unless Celestia’s revoked… this.” I pulled out the train pass Celestia gave me ages ago.

“Never say no to free,” Rarity said with a nod. “Now, shall we?”

“After you,” I replied. “I have absolutely no idea how to get to the train station.”

“Oh, Nav, you would be simply lost without me,” Rarity sighed. “Literally, apparently. I would be happy to lead the noble and lovely Lady Navarone anywhere she pleases.”

I snorted and muttered, “Back into bed would be nice.”

“Was that snark I heard?!”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good. I was starting to think you were losing your edge here in Canterlot. Now, no more stalling. Let’s away!”

Thankfully, I didn’t have to try to stall her. Once we got out of my room, we were stalled by a big purple dragon who appeared to be on his way to see me. He froze when he saw us walking out. When his eyes took me in, his mouth dropped. “What do you think, Spike?” Kat asked, trying to sound sly.

That got him to close his trap, at least. “Come on, Navi, do a spin for him!” Rarity said.

I hadn’t put the coat on yet, so I draped it over Fluttershy’s body, held my arms out, and spun around until I was facing him with a grin. “What do you think, Spikey?” I asked.

“I think that for someone who likes complaining about dressing up as a girl all the time, you sure do it a lot.”

“Forgive me for trying to be attractive,” I said, snatching my coat off Fluttershy. “I’m sorry for trying to make the most of a bad situation.”

“The only bad situation I see here is your face,” he said. “What, did Rarity not have time to do your makeup right?”

“Kat, slap him for me as we walk past him in silence.”

“As you wish, Nav.”

“Oh, what, the silent treatment now? Are you sure you’re not taking being female a little too seriously?”

“Hm… Fluttershy, dragon scales are really protective, right?”

“Um. Yes?”

“Good.” I backhanded Spike so hard that he fell over the railing. Fluttershy and Rarity made some strangled sounding noises and rushed to the side to look down. Spike impacted the floor with a very painful sounding thud.

Kat and I very daintily made our way down the staircase until we got to the bottom, where I stood over him as his eyes finally opened. “I… deserved that,” he groaned.

“Kat?” She reached down and slapped him across the face. “You deserved that. Getting knocked off a balcony is just what comes from pushing me when I’m this close to my period. I got all manner of raging hormones going on in my fucked up head right now, you don’t even know. So don’t fuck with me.” I held my hand out for him. He took it and I pulled him off the floor. Thankfully, he didn’t leave an indentation. “Now, would you like to go to Ponyville with us? I’m pretty sure Pinkie’s throwing a party.”

“You don’t know that!” Rarity yelled as she hurried down the staircase. “And what were you thinking?! You could have hurt him!”

“I owe him a few beatings anyway,” I said.

“After what happened in Iceland…” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, maybe a few.”

“What… er, what happened in Iceland?” Rarity asked.

“Nav has been remarkably silent on a few of the details,” Kat said.

“Oh, did you meet your parents?” Fluttershy asked. She sounded very excited.

“I uh… met my father,” Spike said. “Then the dragon king almost killed him and Nav put him in an eternal coma.”

“What?!” they both shouted.

“It’s a long train ride back to Ponyville,” I said. “Spike can tell the story on the way.”

“Uh… how much of it?” he asked.

“As much as you want to tell. But we need to leave soon, so we don’t miss the train. I’m sure you can think about it on the way to the station.”

“I want every single detail!” Rarity said, putting her hoof down.

“You can take that up with Spike, who will be telling the story,” I said. “Now, I believe you were the one in a hurry.”

“...Right. Well then, chop chop! Navi, you will walk next to Spike, to make sure he doesn’t stumble since you just threw him down the stairs. Katrina, you may walk with Fluttershy and I. I believe we could have an enjoyable… chat.”

God dammit, that’s gonna be more people conspiring against me...

Once we got to the door, the guard at it cleared his throat and asked, “Going out, my lady?”

“Yep. Heading to Ponyville for the day, apparently.”

“Give me a moment to find a replacement and I’ll go with you.”

“I will be fine,” I immediately said.

“Watcher—”

“Is my vassal,” I finished for him. “My word supersedes his. Besides, Spike is going with me. I’ll be fine.” Although I think Kat will be a better guard than he is.

He sighed and said, “We worry, my lady…”

“How many guards would it take for you to stop?”

“Probably three.”

“Oh. Well, I guess you can just keep worrying, then.” I continued past him and finally got outside. For some reason, it made me sigh in relief. That relief vanished as soon as Spike wrapped his scaly arm around my smooth one. “Um, what are you doing?”

“Using you to keep my balance,” he replied. “I’m suddenly feeling very dizzy. Maybe I hit my head…”

“Uh huh. And are you sure you aren’t just trying to annoy me?”

“That’s just a nice side-effect.”

Well… I did kinda just push him down the stairs… I let him have it and we finally started walking to the train station. “Should we have invited Gilda?” I asked.

“No. She uh… couldn’t walk very well. I left her curled up on her bed.”

“Nice.”

“So… What did you do to her and Rainbow Dash?”

“Left them tied up with vibrators in them for three hours, then had Twilight free them,” I said with a shrug.

“Oh. That’s kinda hot.”

“I know, right?”

“What do you think she’s gonna do to get back at you?”

“I dunno. Kinda looking forward to it, though.”

“Slut.”

“Hey, I am a lady!”

“Yeah, a slutty one.”

“You’re just jealous ‘cause you’ve never boned me.”

“Hey, that’s not—Wait, I never have actually put it in, have I?”

“Not unless you did it that one time when I was really fucked up on shrooms.”

“Which I did not, because you passed out.”

“And then there was that week I spent blue-balling you with the monkeys.” Good times...

“Which sucked. You are such a tease sometimes.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you don’t actually wanna bone me, since I’m apparently too old for you.”

“I mean… I wouldn’t say no.”

“If you tie Gilda up and force her to watch, I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.”

“...I will remember that. Slut.”

“That’s no way to speak to a lady, Spike.”

“I’m pretty sure you enjoy being talked to that way, actually.”

“Not in public.” Actually, a little bit in public, but not by him.

“...Oh, right. Um. So hey, what are we gonna do while we’re in Canterlot, anyway?” he asked.

“Whatever we want. So far, I’ve been to one party and thrown another. Once we get back in town, Twilight’s gonna put me in a coma for a little while.”

“Why?”

“To help center me. Don’t worry about the why. It shouldn’t last long. Once that’s done, I’ll hopefully have time to just relax. It’s been something that’s sorely lacking.”

“You had plenty of time to relax on the ship.”

“In a tiny little cabin on a shitty little bed while constantly being bothered or having to do something. I would really like some quiet time to myself.”

“Makes sense. I don’t know if the others are gonna like that, though.”

“They don’t. That’s their problem, though.”

“Are you sure you should be ignoring the wishes of your subjects?”

“Are you sure they should be ignoring the wishes of their lady?”

“When you put it like that…”

“Once I get past this rush of activity, I’m gonna take some time for myself. I need to take some time for myself.”

“But you don’t have any plans at all, aside from that?”

“We’re gonna help Kat take out the assassins in her old guild at some point. Cadance is gonna visit, along with Eva and possibly Shiny. Let’s see, what else… Oh, and I’m gonna…” I made sure to mumble the last part, which was, “Compete in a beauty pageant.”

“You’re competing in a beauty pageant?” Oh right, dragon hearing.

“Yeah.”

“Cool. When’s it gonna be? I wanna make sure to be there to support you.”

God dammit, I can’t get mad at him for that. “No clue yet. Why aren’t you laughing at me?”

“Why would I? I’m your friend, Nav. That means I support you. It may come with some jabs here and there, but nothing malicious or mean-spirited. I know how difficult all of this is for you, so I’m gonna do everything I can to support you however you need.” I opened my mouth, but he continued, “And if you dare say that’s gay, I’m carrying you all the way to the train station.” I closed my mouth.

“I’m happy that you’re my friend, Spike,” I finally said.

“I’m happier that you’re my friend,” he said, pulling his arm away from mine and wrapping it around my shoulder instead. “Even if you do like throwing me over balconies.”

“...I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what I was thinking. It didn’t hurt too bad, did it?”

“Nah, I’m fine. I didn’t realize you were on your period already. I can usually smell it. All I could smell this time was perfume.”

“I’m not actually on it, but it’s coming up pretty soon. It’s already affecting my emotions.”

“Yeah, I can tell. You actually just said you were happy to have me as a friend. Either Twilight’s been rubbing off on you or your emotions are really messed up right now.”

“That’s just me trying to be a more honest and kind person. I’m generally very negative, apparently, which puts some people off. And since some people are super needy, I need to tell them how much they mean to me pretty often. The truth is, I’m happy that I’m surrounded by so many wonderful friends. Saying it just feels really weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“Bad weird. I’ve always looked at self-reliance as the ultimate goal, but I’m learning more and more that there are so many things I either don’t have the time to do or don’t have the ability to do. Learning to rely on other people is difficult. Learning to appreciate their help instead of pushing them away is hard. Everything I was is fighting against what I’m becoming, if that makes any sense.”

“It does,” he quietly replied. “My pony upbringing clashes with my draconic nature all the time. Who I was taught to be clashes heavily with what I am. You’re doing good, Nav. You’re smiling, you’re interacting with everyone, you’re basically in a relationship. Even Taya’s happy. I’m proud of you.”

“Cool beans.”

“Now you just need to work on how to accept compliments.”

“Is blushing and stammering an acceptable response?”

“For fillies Taya’s age, yes. For… women your age, you should aim a little higher.”

“...Kay.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes. I tried to listen in on what the girls were talking about, but I couldn’t hear them over the general ambience of Canterlot. After we had gotten a few blocks, Spike flinched and said, “Oh uh, sorry about the arm. I kinda forgot…”

He started to withdraw it, but I said, “Wait. You’re warm.”

“Well… if you’re sure.” His warm arm slid back into place and I sighed. Sometimes I miss Kumani…

Only sometimes, though.

“Can you hear what they’re talking about?” I asked.

“Probably, but I don’t eavesdrop. I’m sure it’s just about dresses or something.”

Yeah, dresses they can put on me. I guarantee you those harpies are talking about ways to make me suffer.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything I could do about it but stew in warm silence.

Luckily for us, we got to the train station right as the proper train was pulling up. Since my pass didn’t specify a number of people, we were able to bypass the ticket line and just get right onto the train.

Apparently being a lady has some perks, because we got a fairly fancy and sizable private room. The trip wasn’t long enough to come with any room service or whatever, but it was still nice to be looked after.

“So why don’t you have rooms like this on your airship?” Rarity asked once we were settled.

“First, because I stole it from pirates. Second, because it’s an airship. It’s kinda limited on space. The changeling ship I got is nicer, but it’s also much smaller.”

“Changeling ship…?”

“Yeah, Moonie gave me the first airship she built, along with a crew for it, on the condition that I send it all over the place.”

“That is… unexpectedly generous of her,” Rarity slowly said.

“She’s a real sweetie once you get to know her,” I replied with a shrug.

“She wasn’t very nice to me,” Fluttershy muttered.

“You were also trying to shove things in her holes.” That made Rarity and Spike blush.

“I thought she was hurt!”

“And you didn’t notice all the other changelings looked the exact same?”

“...I was just trying to help.”

“Well, that was Chrysalis. Now she’s Moonie, and much… Well, sometimes much nicer.”

“Oh? And what happened to that miner from Appaloosa?” Rarity asked.

“You mean the one who wanted to pay me a lot of money to kidnap you, cut out your tongue, and deliver you to them?”

“Yes.”

“He got turned into a mobile food source.”

“Hm. Nicer, I see.”

“Would you rather they starve?” Kat asked. “Because that is the alternative.”

“The only people they’re feeding on now are criminals,” I said. “And all volunteers, at that. Celestia asked whether they would prefer being food or being locked up for life. Those who agreed to become food were sent to Chrysalis.” Minus all the political prisoners who she threatened with death instead.

“It’s not a very… appealing solution,” Rarity said.

“You got a better one?”

“...No.”

That killed the conversation for a few seconds, which was fine by me right up until I realized that I forgot to bring the book. Fuck. Now what?

Since Spike is annoying, he decided to say, “So did you all know Nav was competing in a beauty pageant?”

“Of course,” Rarity said, waving a hoof. “I’m looking forward to making so many outfits for her and Kat!”

“Why Kat?” Spike asked.

“Because I’m also competing.”

“And so is Kumani,” I said. “She’s the dragon representative. She’s in Canterlot at the moment.”

“...What kinda pageant is this?” Spike asked.

Surprisingly, Fluttershy beat us all to the explanation. “It’s like Miss Equestria, but for every race. Lady Fleur de Lis is putting it together. There are gonna be participants from all over the world!”

“I didn’t realize you were keeping up with it,” Rarity said.

“W-well… Lady Fleur kinda… sent me an invitation.”

“To compete or to attend?” I asked.

“Well, it’s for an interview to compete. Apparently she’s interviewing a lot of ponies and she wanted me to be one of them.”

“When is it?” Rarity asked. “I would love to make your outfit!”

“In a few days, but—”

“Perfect! That’s plenty of time. We can begin tomorrow.”

“But what?” I asked.

“But… Well, I wasn’t… I didn’t really plan on attending…”

“Why ever not?” Rarity asked.

“Didn’t you hate your time as a model?” I asked.

“Um… I wouldn’t say hate, but…”

“But it’s not something you really wanna do again?” She weakly nodded. “Understandable. I don’t really want to do it either. I’m just doing it because Fleur and Kat twisted my arm.”

“I didn’t even touch you,” Kat said.

“Figuratively. You guilted me into it.”

“Oh. Yes, we absolutely did that.” Spike giggled, because he’s sadistic and enjoys watching me suffer.

“Anyway, I’d be happy with more friends competing, but I certainly don’t expect you to,” I said. “If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If Rarity keeps pressuring you, just take her to town circle and spank her.”

“She shall do no such thing!” Rarity hastily said, trying to fight a blush down.

“Right, sorry. Find a big strong stallion and get him to take her into town circle to spank her.” Rarity just glared at me in mortification. I had a feeling I’d pay for it later, but the look on her face made it worth it, short term.

“I don’t wanna hurt my friends, though.”

“Don’t worry, she enj—” I was cut off by a wad of magic in my mouth.

Rarity looked over to Spike, still blushing, and said, “I believe it’s time for that story about Iceland.”

Spike’s version of events was… close to the truth. He spent a little too long talking about how he banged a totally hot female dragon, and nudged me pretty hard when I started to speak up about it. He also said a lot more about how sexy I was as a dragon than he probably should have. And unfortunately, he actually mentioned how I straight up murdered a dude, but it was okay because he was one of the bad guys.

For reference, Fluttershy and Rarity did not seem to agree.

Thankfully, I didn’t give him many details about Momma Tintaglia, so Rarity didn’t get to find out how I was prettified by a giant insane dragoness. He finished the story with enough spare time to answer questions, which we both did since neither of us had anything better to do.

I’m sure they all had more questions by the time we arrived, but stopped asking anyway. “So we’re all kinda following you two on this one,” I said. “Do we have any plans aside from Pinkie’s surprise party?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea of what you’re talking about,” Rarity said as Fluttershy’s eyes got shifty.

“Uh huh, sure, totally. So, first stop is Sugarcube Corner, I take it?”

“Well… I am feeling a little peckish. So I suppose since you’re insisting, we can stop by.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I’d rather avoid it if at all possible. I’m like ninety percent sure the Cakes never forgave me for the uh… incident with Gilda.”

“What did you do?” Spike asked.

“Kinda… had a really loud threesome with Gilda and Pinkie during business hours.”

“Are you sure, Nav?” Rarity asked. “I’m sure Kat would love to see the building!”

“She’ll live,” I said before she could speak up. “Besides, the library and your building are much more interesting.”

“Ugh, fine. I suppose I could pick something up from my house anyway. That shall be our first stop!” Rarity took Kat in hoof and led the way, telling her all about the town as we walked.

I did my best to stand up straight instead of trying to hunch over and slink around. Several of the ponies were staring at me more than usual, certainly not used to seeing me in a dress. It felt uncomfortably awkward and I was starting to consider calling it off and flying back to Canterlot when Fluttershy bumped into me. I looked down at her and realized she was smiling up at me. “Something wrong, Nav?” she asked.

“A lot of things,” I sighed, rubbing her back. “But I’ll live.” I always do, somehow. “So I guess Pinkie really didn’t plan a party for this one, huh?”

“She really didn’t,” Fluttershy replied.

“Good. I fucking hate parties. Like, legitimately despise them. I pretty much only ever attend any of them to appease you guys. Or when I get tricked to them, which I hate even more.”

“Um…”

“Yeah, I know I’m boring and unponylike or whatever. Just trying to be more honest. I might rip out half my fucking hair if I have to deal with another one. Thank god Pinkie didn’t plan one.”

“Well…” A blue aura surrounded her mouth before she could say more.

“Stop lying to Fluttershy, Nav,” Rarity said.

“First of all, you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom. Second of all, I’m not lying.”

“She’s really not,” Kat sighed. “It’s been a struggle to get her to participate in any in Canterlot.”

“Nav’s never liked parties,” Spike said. “Like, I can’t think of one she honestly seemed to enjoy.”

“Yeah, most ponies just ignore that because they don’t care whether or not I actually like something. As long as they are having fun, they just assume everyone else is having fun, despite the fact that I complain about parties literally every chance I get.”

“Well, perhaps you should be more mindful of what your friends desire,” Rarity said. “If they want to make you happy by throwing a party in your honor, you should enjoy it for their sakes.”

“Why would they throw a party in my honor if they know I hate parties? Best case scenario, they wasted their time by doing something for me that they know I don’t enjoy. Worst case scenario, they actively plan to do something for me that they know I hate just to piss me off. Either way, they’re spending a lot of time, effort, and money on a party that they should know I won’t enjoy.”

“What about Pinkie’s rave?” Fluttershy asked.

“I tolerated it.”

“What about the Europe parties?” Rarity asked.

“Those are less party and more festival. I avoided most of the party-ish parts.”

“What about—”

“Oh look, we’re here,” I said. Rarity’s boutique hadn’t changed at all in our absence. It was still just as ugly and gaudy as ever. Kat seemed somewhat impressed, at least.

“That we are,” Rarity said, walking up to the door. “Come along inside, out of the cold.”

Fluttershy cleared her throat. “Rarity, I’m not so sure—” She was cut off by Rarity’s icy glare. Fluttershy’s ears drooped and Rarity led the way inside.

As soon as I passed over the threshold, about a dozen ponies all jumped out from hiding and yelled “SURPRISE!” Applejack was at their head with a massive grin on her face.

“As I said, Pinkie did not plan a party for you,” Rarity said with a smirk my way.

“You son of a—” Having all the air forced out of my lungs by overenthusiastic hugs cut me off. The first one to get to me was Rainbow Dash, who had her hair adorably braided. The second was Applejack. The only reason Pinkie wasn’t the third is because Spike scooped her up in a hug before she could get to me.

Thankfully, it appeared that the others were all at least marginally less insane, so they hung back. That said, I heard Twilight say, “We really got her, this time.”

“She makes it hard,” Rarity sighed. “But I’m always up to the challenge!”

“I bet stallions say that all the time around her,” Vinyl said. Oh boy, we really got the full crew here.

My attackers didn’t seem to be letting go, so I sighed and finally hugged them back. I would have preferred Pinkie, since she was softer and squishier, but I still enjoyed the feeling of them pressing against my body.

Once Applejack had her fill, she pulled back. Dash jumped back an instant later so she wouldn’t appear clingy or uncool. When she did, she finally got a good look at me. “Oh wow, you’re lookin’ pretty cute, Nav.”

“You’re pretty adorable yourself, Dashie,” I said. “Love the hair.” I can’t believe she actually did it.

“Yeah, well, a bet’s a bet,” she muttered, a large blush covering her face. I don’t remember it being a bet, but whatever.

“You didn’t have to dress up all fancy for us, Nav,” Applejack said.

“Tell that to Rarity.” She smirked. “Please tell that to Rarity. She has a fucking obsession for dressing me up.”

“A perfectly normal obsession!” Rarity said, slapping a hoof on the floor. “And I do it with everypony, not just you.”

“Well, you didn’t have to dress her up all fancy for us,” Applejack said.

“I beg to differ. One must always look their best!”

“Especially my lady,” Kat said. She stepped up and handed me the flask. I grabbed it and started to drink, but before I could swallow, Pinkie snatched me in a hug and I spewed booze everywhere. Some of it went down my throat wrong, which made me start coughing like crazy. “Yep, that’s our lady for you.”

As much as I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, it currently felt like I was dying. Between the burning of the booze, the crushing hug, and possible asphyxiation, I found myself once more questioning my life choices.

Twilight’s a good person and a super-powerful mage, so she pressed her horn against me and somehow healed the burning and pumped air into my lungs. She didn’t do anything about Pinkie, but I was suitably used to that form of torture. Since I was fine again, I finally took another swig and handed the flask back, then hugged the huggiest mare there was.

“I thought you gave up drinking after what happened with Gourd,” Spike said.

“I thought you gave up being nosy after that whole Fizzle thing,” I said. He decided to shut up.

“What thing fizzled?” Twilight asked.

“Just his hopes and dreams,” I replied, finally releasing Pinkie. She hugged me for another few seconds before pulling back, a smile on her face. “So how’s it hanging, Penko?”

She fluffed her hair a little bit, saying, “Heavier than usual. It’s just about time for a manecut!”

Since she let me go, that allowed the next two to hug me. They happened to be Lyra and what I’m about eighty percent sure was Bon-Bon. It’s pretty hard to tell when she’s in changeling form. I hugged them both back because Lyra was squishy enough to offset Bonnie’s hardness.

“It’s about time you came back to Ponyville!” Lyra said. “What took you so long?”

“Being a noble is busy,” I sighed. “Unfortunately. Ain’t nothin’ stopping you from coming to Canterlot, though.”

“You mean like work?” Bonnie asked.

What is this work you speak of? “Play hookie. You’re self-employed anyway.”

“Says the richest mare alive,” Lyra said, pulling back.

Bonnie hopped back next to her and nodded. “Not all of us can buy fancy mansions in Canterlot at the drop of a hat, Nav.”

“Yeah, but at least you’re living in a fancy mansion.”

“On the edge of the scariest forest on the planet,” Bonnie said with a scoff. “You know how often we get woken up by strange howls or ominous rustling?”

“Apparently not often enough to change your mind about living there.”

“The foals really like the pool,” Lyra said, rubbing the back of her neck.

“No, you really like the pool,” Bonnie said.

“Well, so do they.” Bon-Bon rolled her eyes. “They also like having rooms to themselves, a big backyard, and fresh vegetables from the garden. Plus, the walk to school is good exercise.”

“The best part is, you don’t have to invent excuses not to invite anyone over since no one wants to go out there anyway,” I said.

“How’s that a good thing?” Bonnie asked.

“Well, it’s a good thing if you’re as antisocial as I am.”

“If you’re antisocial, why did you come to the party?” Lyra asked.

“It wasn’t consensually. That’s why it was a surprise party.”

“I’d say we got you good,” Vinyl said, finally stepping forward.

“What, no hug from you?” I asked.

“I’m not all that huggy.”

“Too bad.” I stepped up and hugged her, since I knew it would make her die a little on the inside. She sighed reproachfully, but let me have it.

“So who’s the cat lady?” Bonnie asked while I was still wrapped around Vinyl. I waited for Kat to introduce herself, but she didn’t say anything after a few seconds. I turned my head and discovered that she was speaking to Dash and Applejack.

“That would be Katrina, one of my vassals,” I said.

“Are you done hugging me now?”

“Are you gonna hug me back?”

“Uh. No?”

“I’m not letting go until you hug me back.” She either isn’t as stubborn as I am or she was really desperate to get out of that hug, but she hugged me back for just a second before letting go. That was good enough for me, so I pulled away with a smile. “I’m surprised you’re actually in town. I figured you’d be back to doing concerts.”

“Winter’s kinda an off season for me. I still do the occasional gig, but things slow down and I usually try to take a breather. What about you? I figured you’d still be out and about in the world.”

“I need time to recuperate and get used to my super fucked up body. This stupid tail is driving me crazy.” It was hard to see under the dress, so I lifted it up and swung it around so they could get a look.

Their mouths dropped, of course. “How did you get a tail?!” Bonnie asked.

“That’s so bucking cool!” Lyra said, grabbing it with magic and yanking it (and me) closer.

“Is it sensitive like a dragon’s?” Vinyl asked.

“Magic, it’s definitely not cool, and yes it is.”

“So if I…” Vinyl reached over, eyeballed the tail and figured about where the base would be under the dress, and pressed down on it. My legs shivered. “How’s that feel?”

“Thank you for molesting me in the middle of a party. That’s exactly what I needed.”

“Happy to help,” she replied as she pulled the hoof back. “You know, Octavia never thanks me. Maybe I should do it to you more often instead…”

“It seems you’re not handling your extra additions well,” Bonnie said. “What about your uh… gender swap? Rarity seems to think you’re happy, but some of the others aren’t so sure.”

“Rarity is sadistic and mean. I’m doing a lot better than I was when it first happened, but I’m far from happy about it. I’ve come to accept it, but given the choice, I’d much rather still be a guy.”

“Why?” Lyra asked. “You could join us at the Clam Jousting club now!”

“I thought the first rule was to not talk about it,” Vinyl said. “Or was that another club? I’m a part of so many that I forget sometimes.”

“That is the first rule,” Bonnie said, glaring at her wife.

“Oh puh-lease! This is Nav we’re talking about. Even if she somehow didn’t already know, she’d be delighted to join anyway.”

“I do know and I’m not interested,” I said.

“It would be a hard sell for some of the other members anyway,” Bonnie said. “First off, at the moment, it’s only ponies. There isn’t a rule against non-ponies, but convincing some of the others might be difficult. Second, you used to be a stallion.”

“I’m not interested in rocking any boats. Besides, I got plenty of people to scratch any itch I have.”

Lyra sighed in disappointment and began muttering until her wife elbowed her. “Ugh, fine. But you better make some hands tonight, honey.”

“There are times I regret coming out as a changeling,” Bonnie said, shaking her head.

“Make sure to rub her belly, too.”

“I get forced to do that all the time. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“They’re only the best!” Vinyl said. “Er. Not that, you know, I’ve ever had one…”

“You know you like being my little tummy slut. There ain’t a pony alive who doesn’t.” That made her blush, of course.

“Then you can keep your hands off my wife,” Bonnie said.

“‘Kay.” Lyra sighed again. “Anyway, I need to go speak to Rarity for a moment. I should be back shortly.”

They all said their versions of ‘see you later’ as I tracked down the marshmallow horse. She was seated in her little drama chair thing, watching me and smiling.

“So what do you think of the party?” she sweetly asked when I got closer.

“I think we need to have a little chat,” I said. “In private.”

“Oh my, our dear Lady Navarone asking innocent little me into a private area? I dread to think of the rumors!”

“I’m not above dragging you to another room by one of your ears.”

She rolled her eyes. “Very well, if you insist. Come along, then.” She slid off the lounge thing and led the way into one of her little storage rooms. “Now, what is so important that it can’t wait until Applejack’s masterfully planned party is over?”

“This needs to stop, Rarity.”

“Hm? What needs to stop?”

“You need to stop pretending you don’t know what I do and don’t like.”

“I haven’t the slightest—”

“Don’t play dumb. You’re arguably the most mature one out of all your friends and you’re definitely the least socially retarded. Stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“But… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Why the fuck are you being so stubborn? “We were literally just talking about how much I hated parties while on the way to this bullshit surprise party. Now, you either think I’m a liar or you think I’m a big joker, but neither is the case. I. Hate. Parties. I don’t like attending them, I don’t like planning them, and I most certainly don’t like being surprised by them. Ever. You know this, because you’ve been around for several of the parties I’ve been forced to attend and got to listen to me complain about them.”

“I know that you like pretending you hate parties, but—”

“Rarity, do I look like someone who plays make-believe?” Her eyes shot to my fucked up wings for a moment. “I ain’t pretending shit. I legitimately, honestly, truthfully, one hundred percent hate and despise parties. If I had my way, I would never go to another one. I’m not pretending that I don’t like them to keep up some kind of reputation. I actually don’t like them. Same goes for pretty parties, makeovers, dresses and skirts in general, and a whole list of other bullshit that you and my supposed ‘friends’ keep forcing on me. I’m sick of this shit, Rarity. You can either be my friend and respect what I do and don’t like or I can fuck right up outta here.”

“...That leaves something of a vacuum, Nav.”

“How?”

“Well, you don’t exactly give us many opportunities to do anything with you! And after everything you’ve done for us, we need some way to show our gratitude. Cutting out everything you say you hate leaves the table pretty empty for us, Nav. You don’t like ‘hanging out’, you don’t like parties, you don’t like letting me make you over… What else are we supposed to do for you?!”

“Uh, nothing?” She blinked. “If you want to express gratitude, a simple thank you is more than enough. I don’t do things expecting a reward. I do things because I want to do them. All the same, I’d be happy if the things I do for others just go unmentioned. And I guaran-goddamn-tee you there’s some way we can spend time together that doesn’t involve doing things that I hate.”

“...It’s not like ponies to hide their gratitude, Nav.”

“Then I hope your imagination is pretty good, because you’re gonna need to find some other way to show it. I wasn’t joking when I said attending another party might make me rip out half my hair. I’m stressed the fuck out and dealing with more bullshit that I hate, especially after I literally just went on a rant about how I hate it, isn’t helping.”

“And just what am I supposed to tell the others, hm? Applejack and Pinkie will both be crushed if they know you truly do hate their parties!”

“It’s not their fault that I hate them, it’s my fault for being a boring anti-social homebody.” And, you know, kinda their fault for throwing lame parties. “Pinkie might pretend to not understand, but I know both of them actually will. Also, did all of you honestly think I secretly enjoyed parties but was too ashamed to admit it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s dumb.”

“You don’t usually make any social interactions simple and you’re usually so darkly sarcastic that it’s impossible to tell when you are or aren’t being serious. We just came to the conclusion that you were playing hard to get…”

“I feel like we’ve been down that road before.”

“Well forgive us for trying to make our friend happy!”

“Despite your friend telling you how much he despises parties?”

“Which, I will admit, is a mistake on our part.”

“What the fuck ever. Back to the point, this needs to stop. You guys need to unfuck yourselves. I have enough bullshit on my plate that I certainly don’t need more from people who are supposed to be my friends. I’ll participate in this one because I’m nice, but this better be the last surprise party I ever have. Preferably the last party in general, but I know Pinkie would probably explode if she had to cancel everything she has planned.”

“...As you wish. I will speak to the others after I figure out how to tell them without devastating them.”

“Good.”

“However, I feel I should point out that you also need to… uncoitus yourself in some ways. You may not like receiving gratitude, but your friends certainly like showing it. If you cut us off from our standard avenues, we’ll be left with two options: Getting creative or doing things we know you like. There aren’t many of those, so we’ll probably be forced to get creative unless you can give us more things you actually enjoy.”

“I take it there’s no way to get you guys to just skip it?”

“No way at all.”

“Then I’ll try to think of things I actually enjoy. I’ll get back to you on that. Now, shall we get back into the fray before they think we’re playing seven minutes in heaven?”

“Ugh, ew. Yes.”

We finally left the storage room. Rarity went straight to Twilight, so I assume she was tattling on me. I walked over to Dash and Spike. He was toying with her braided mane and she was pretending she hated it.

“I honestly didn’t think you’d braid your hair again,” I said. “But I’m happy you did.”

She slapped Spike with a wing and he finally let it go. “It’s awful,” she said. “I can’t believe you made me do this.”

“I like it, too,” Spike said. “But I’m kinda curious how you did it.”

“Pinkie did it,” she sighed. “She didn’t stop giggling the entire time.”

“I’ll definitely remember it, Dashie,” I said.

“So about that other thing we agreed on…”

“Having second thoughts?”

“What? No! I already have everything planned. I just need a time.”

“It’ll be at least two weeks, probably closer to three or four. I’m going to a festival in Gryphus, then I’m breaking into a super secure vault, then I’m going into a coma. Once all that’s done, I’ll have time.”

“Oh… Well, I guess that gives me more time to plan!”

“What are you two doing?” Spike asked.

“Going on a—” Dash shut me up by shoving her hoof in my mouth. It tasted awful.

“Camping trip,” she finished for me. “Just the two of us.”

“Why did you shove your hoof in Nav’s mouth? You know she hates that.”

“Because I knew she was about to lie to make me seem super girly. Duh.”

I finally grabbed her leg and forcefully removed her disgusting hoof. “That doesn’t give you permission to violate my holes,” I said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find something to get the taste of your filthy hoof out of my mouth.”

“It’s not that filthy,” she muttered as I walked off. There was a refreshment table set up along one of the walls, so I made that my destination.

Since I’m not allowed to have any peace and quiet, Pinkie intercepted me right as I made it. “Welcome back to Ponyville, Navi! How was Iceland?”

“Shitty.” I filled a cup up with punch and used it to clean the unwashed hoof out of my mouth. “I got tortured and almost raped to death. How’s Ponyville been?”

“Super duper awesome! Ooh, you should stay for a sleepover!”

“Can’t, unfortunately.”

“...Can’t or won’t?”

“I kinda have a daughter to tuck in tonight. And, you know, responsibilities.”

“Does that mean we can have a sleepover at your house? Twilight told me your bed was huge!”

“I also have plans tomorrow. Besides, it was just explained to me that going to Canterlot isn’t something the average person can just do on a whim.”

“Are you calling me average?”

“Well, that depends on what you mean when you ask if we can have a sleepover. If you just mean me and you, then no, you aren’t average. But if you mean we as in everyone here, then there are some average people here. Either way, I’m gonna pass on the sleepover.”

“Well… maybe later.” Fat chance. One sleepover episode was enough. “So, need any super special date ideas? I know all the most romantic places around Ponyville!”

“For me and who, exactly?”

“Oh, you know, Dash or Twilight. Or maybe Fleur. Oooh, just think: You could introduce Queen Chrysalis to everybody here!”

“Uh huh. And what makes you think I’d want to date a few of them?”

“Psh, good one. Dashie isn’t subtle, Navi! I knew precisely why she wanted her hair done so cutely! And who doesn’t know about you and Twilight? Of course, you and Fleur are all over the newspapers. And you seem so close to Queenie that I just assumed!”

“She prefers Queen Moonbeam now.”

“Unless it’s you, then I bet it’s something cute, like Moonie!”

“Well, if I need date ideas, I’ll be sure to ask.”

“You know, Twilight already did ask…” she slyly replied.

“Uh huh. And what did you tell her?”

“You’ll just have to find out on your own, silly!”

“I’ll give you a belly rub if you tell me.”

“You’ll give me a belly rub anyway! You like giving them to me the most.”

“Uh huh. And why do you think that?”

“‘Cause I’m the squishiest and the second softest. Plus, you can’t deny my begging face. And of course, I can’t forget that you love surprises! If I tell you, it’ll give her plan away.”

“I actually don’t like surprises. You just pretend I do so you can justify giving them to me all the time.”

“Eh, tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to. So when are we going to Tartarus?”

“Dunno yet. You have plenty of time to visit your family or go on any vacation, if that’s what you have in mind. I’d suggest getting any unfinished business out of the way.”

“Don’t you worry about me, Navi. Focus on getting yourself ready. How’s the tail?”

“Annoying as shit. About the only redeeming quality it has is being able to hit people with it.”

“Spike can make barbs come out of his. Can you?”

“I… have not tried, actually.” I lifted my tail and concentrated. I wasn’t exactly sure how to make them appear, but I had an idea. With a nudge of effort, several sharp spikes covered the tip of it. “Well well, ain’t that something?”

“How have you never tried this?”

“Never occurred to me. Thanks for the idea. I have a feeling I’ll get to kill somebody with this.”

“Aww…”

“I’m sure whoever it is will deserve it. You know, probably.”

“Does anybody really deserve to die, though?”

“I mean… yeah?”

“Oh, okay! Say, do you still have Blaze in you? Aerie wanted me to ask in front of Twilight.”

“Ahem.” Twilight stepped forward, her eyes lit up uncomfortably red. I had a feeling Aqua had taken the reins. “I believe I misunderstood you, Pinkie. It sounded like you just asked if Nav still had Blaze in her.” I really hate Aerie.

“No, you understood her just fine,” I said. “And the answer is no, I don’t.”

“What possessed you to do such a reckless thing?!” she shouted, making half the party stare at her in shock.

“I don’t need your approval to do anything, Aqua. And I certainly don’t need the attitude. Blaze has not slapped me around. Blaze has not disrespected me.”

“And you never thought about the consequences?!”

“All you do is treat me like a child, Aqua.”

“That’s because your behavior is very akin to one, Navarone. You need proper guidance. Every action you take sends horrific ripples through society. Having you loose without a sister to guide you does more to aid Chaos than the airs ever could!”

“You’re really mean,” Pinkie said. “And you certainly weren’t invited to this party! Put Twilight back in charge.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed at me. “This action will have consequences, Navarone.” Once she said the last words, her eyes went back to their standard pretty purple.

“If that’s how you insist on treating Nav, I’m done with you,” Twilight said. “Once you return to Canterlot, you’re getting out of my body.”

Instead of waiting, Aqua seeped out of one of Twilight’s ears and shot out of the building. “God, what a bitch,” I said as she left. “What do you think she has planned?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry I forced you to put up with that for so long, Nav.”

“I’m pretty worried about whatever she has in mind, but that’s a problem for tomorrow me.” If only I had known how true that was. “For now, I’m just happy you finally saw how much of a bitch she was, Twilight.”

“She had her moments, but she honestly wasn’t giving me that many benefits. A part of me wonders if she was still in me just to spy on you.”

“Well, whatever.”

“So are you two gonna kiss now or what?” Pinkie excitedly asked.

“I mean…” Twilight didn’t wait for permission. She used magic to pull me down and just kissed me in front of everyone. Pinkie started giggling.

Once she was done molesting my mouth, she pulled back with a grin. “Wanna go for a walk with me, Navi?”

I noticed that Pinkie was nodding her head expectedly, so I assumed I was about to go on whatever date suggestion she had. “Sure.” Lyra and Bon-Bon were distracting Kat and Applejack was distracting Spike, so she was able to drag me out alone. Soon enough, we were walking side by side through Ponyville. “Thank you for rescuing me. I hate parties.”

“Happy to help, honey.” I grunted. “Hm, is that too weird? I know you said Navi annoyed you…”

“I don’t mind when you call me that. Being in a relationship is still a little foreign.”

“It is for me, too. But I kinda like it. I’m okay with you dating other mares for now, but there’s gonna be time for a choice, Nav.”

“Yeah, I know. There’s gonna be a lot of hard choices in our future.” Several of the ponies we were passing were very pointedly staring at me in surprise, but I was definitely used to that by now. I’m sure the news had spread to them that I was a chick now, so I guess they just felt like being rude. “So what’s gonna happen tomorrow?”

“We’ll discuss our roles more in-depth, then I turn you into a pony and we catch the train to Gryphus. I already have a room booked. We’ll play things by ear while we’re there, but remember that I am in charge.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Twiley. I’m definitely looking forward to it,” I said, tousling her hair.

“So am I. I think it’ll be very therapeutic. I’ll get to try out several of the fetishes you’ve recommended.” I can’t believe Twilight actually said that out loud. Though given that the ponies were all giving me wide berths, I don’t suppose it really mattered that much.

“You’re getting bold.”

“I’ve learned a lot from you, Nav. I used to be ashamed of my desires. Now, I’m happy to own them.”

I reached over and smoothed her hair back into place. “Good. So where are we going?”

“Are you feeling hungry? There wasn’t much at the party but sweets.”

“I could eat, but I was told not to bring bits.”

“Then it’s a good thing you’re dating a wealthy mare. Let’s go get dinner.”

Free food is always good, though I kinda had a feeling there were gonna be strings attached. “Lead the way.”

She figuratively did so. “How’s it feel to be back in Ponyville in a dress?” she asked as we walked. “I know you were worried about it before.”

“Weird, and I don’t really like it. I get that they already know, but seeing me in a dress just makes it… a lot more final.”

“I mean… It kinda is pretty final. Despite everything, I haven’t found any way of reversing genders. The elementals and Athena couldn’t help you. Unless Hera can do anything, you’re stuck.”

“Even if she could do anything, I don’t know if I’d want to ask for her help. Not after what she did to the unicorns from the tower.”

“Oh? What happened?”

“One died in the maze. I went in to check on them while the other two were resting. I spoke with them and the stallion got pissy. He ended up insulting Hera and threatening Athena, so Hera skinned him alive and made the mare watch. Athena ended up letting her go, but kept her horn as a trophy.”

“That’s awful!”

“Yeah. We did warn them that it would be a bad idea, and the dude was a pretty big dick about the whole thing, so it’s whatever. I just hope there won’t be any retaliation for it.”

“If anything happens and you need my help, just let me know. I know you might be hesitant, but Celestia would probably also be happy to help. The tower has given her trouble in the past.”

“I’m not sure Celestia would help me at the moment,” I sighed. “She and I aren’t on the best of terms.”

“You should try speaking to her again before we leave. Now that she’s had a few days to recover from Discord’s appearances and you… slapping her, she might be easier to talk to.”

“I think that might be wise. What time are we leaving tomorrow?”

“It’ll be fairly late. The festival actually starts in two days. I want some time to rest before the festivities begin.”

“Cool, then I’ll see if she’s available tomorrow morning. I really want her back on my side, but she’s not making it easy.”

“Consider it from her point of view, Nav. Luna did some pretty horrible things involving you. You’ve also done so much with Celestia herself. Then you started causing all kinds of problems for her and weakening her power at every turn. You’ve also strengthened those that were once her enemies. Now she finds out that you were created by Discord. I can see why she thinks you’ve been working against her from the start. I don’t think you have been, but I see why she might think that.”

“I don’t like seeing injustice, intolerance, and evil. Celestia’s pretty much the poster child for all three. I’m just undoing some of the bullshit that she’s done.”

“I know, Nav,” she sighed. “Believe me, I know. Unfortunately, we need her on our side.”

“Do we really, though?” I slowly asked. She looked away and didn’t answer. “Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want her on our side, but I think we can get by without her.”

“I don’t think she’ll let you get by without her.”

“Despite what you may think, she is most definitely not a god. She may be powerful, but she is not all-powerful.”

“Nav, you’re playing a very, very dangerous game. There’s no way you could stand in her way. She’ll crush you without a backwards glance.”

“And how would you feel about that, Twilight? I don’t want to fight Celestia, I truly don’t. I want her to become better. But let’s say, hypothetically, Celestia finally had enough of me and decided to make an example of me. What would you do?”

“To begin with, I wouldn’t let it devolve that far. But if it really did come to that…” She slowly tapered off.

“I know that Princess Celestia means a lot to you, Twilight. And I would never ask you to pick between the two of us. But I have a feeling that the time for hard choices is coming soon, whether we want them or not. I want things to go well and I want to work with Celestia, but I honestly don’t know if she can look past who created me and what I’ve done.”

“...If you can get a soul, it won’t matter who created you.”

“Yeah, but you also gotta remember that I’m asking her to give up a lot of her power. If she tells everyone the truth about the sun, they’ll know her for a liar.”

“And I bet if she doesn’t tell them, you will.”

“Do you really think we can kill Discord while lies like that rule everyone’s minds?”

“I honestly don’t know,” she quietly replied.

Thankfully, she finally picked a small cafe and we let ourselves in. The place wasn’t busy and there was only one server out and about, so he just had us pick our own table. Soon enough, one lilac juice and one water were on their way.

That killed the dreadful conversation that it was way too early to have. “So what did you think of your party?” she asked.

“Cast that lie detecting spell.” She lifted an eyebrow. “The sky is green.” Her horn lit up. “I absolutely hate parties.” The light around her horn died. “Especially surprise parties. If I had my way, I would never go to another. I certainly never want another thrown for me. They piss me off and I absolutely dread them.”

“Huh. How did you beat the lie detector spell? Is your ring on your toe or something?”

“Twilight, don’t play dumb.” She sighed. “I had to spell it out for Rarity, too. What is it with you mini-horses and thinking I’m just playing hard to get or some stupid shit like that? Is it really that hard to believe that I hate parties?”

“Yes, actually. When ponies throw a party for someone, they do it specifically to make that someone happy. Finding out that you hate parties is akin to finding out that you hate someone else spending time and effort on something nice for you. Parties, especially Pinkie’s parties, are ways of showing love and friendship. Saying you hate them is like saying you hate love and friendship.”

“I don’t hate love or friendship, but I do kinda hate it when people spend time and effort on me, especially when it’s something that they know I don’t like. What’s the point of throwing parties for someone who constantly says he hates parties?”

“To throw one so wonderful that she has to admit she actually likes them, duh.”

“Well, I don’t. You can tell Pinkie to stop wasting her time now. She should move on to someone who actually appreciates them.”

The server returned with our drinks and Twilight ordered. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t looked at the menu at all. I gave it a quick once-over and realized that there was only one thing on there I could eat anyway. Everything but the spaghetti had flowers or grass in it.

Once dude-bro was gone, Twilight leaned forward and asked, “Why do you hate parties?”

“Too many people in too small of an area. It doesn’t help when they all crowd around me. I’m also usually forced to be social and I usually have to pretend to be some kind of normal. Since a good chunk of the ones I attend are surprise parties, I never have time to mentally prepare.”

“Why would you need to? Have you ever gone into one just expecting to have a good time?”

“No, because most of them are surprise parties. I go into them expecting some time to relax or something normal and then I’m suddenly forced to deal with a bunch of people I wasn’t mentally prepared to deal with, which stresses me out and throws me way the fuck out of my comfort zone. And for the ones that aren’t surprises, I’m left dreading them in advance, looking for any manner of excuse to get away from it.”

“That sounds like really bad social anxiety.”

“Yeah, prolly.”

Given by the silence, I think she expected a follow-up. When I didn’t say anything else, she cleared her throat. “Do you… want to work on that?”

“No.”

“Uh. Why not?”

“Because I don’t wanna?”

“...What if I want to go to parties while we’re in Gryphus?”

“Then I’ll have fun, because I’ll be playing a role. It won’t be me at the party, it’ll be whoever you tell me to be.”

“That makes…”

“Perfect sense?”

“Absolutely no sense at all, actually. How can you be happy pretending to be someone else at a party when you can’t even be happy as yourself at one?”

“Because if I fuck up and say or do the wrong thing as someone else, it won’t matter since that person stops existing whenever I want. If I fuck up as myself, I’m stuck with the consequences.”

“Which are what, exactly? In your mind, what are the consequences for a social faux pas?”

“A memory that haunts me forever and the eternal shame to go with it.”

She blinked a few times before just saying, “...What?”

“On average, humans have okay-ish memories for the boring, day to day shit. But we remember every single mistake we make, every little social blunder, and every awkward moment perfectly. They haunt us our entire lives. Every time we’re alone, we risk getting trapped in a horrific memory spiral of shame and suffering.”

She stared at me in silence for a few more seconds before slowly shaking her head. “First of all, every race does that, not just humans. Second of all, you’re being way too dramatic right now. Third, that’s honestly just silly. You may remember every little mistake you made, but I bet you don’t remember any of the mistakes others have made. Your honor or whatever you want to call it is intact because none of your friends will hold anything you do against you. Since they’re all having a good time at the party, they usually either won’t even notice whatever you did or get over it by the time they leave.”

“I’m afraid that’s a chance I just can’t afford to take, Twiley.”

“...Are you being sarcastic again?”

“Maybe a little.”

She sighed and shook her head. “It can be really difficult to have a conversation with you, Nav.”

“I don’t like parties. Why do I need a reason?”

“Because identifying why you don’t like something is the best way to change your attitude. Once we deal with the root cause, you can start enjoying them.”

“But I don’t want to start enjoying them. I prefer hating them. Logically speaking, that should be great for everyone. Pinkie can stop spending time planning them for me and no one has to invite me to them anymore. Everyone wins.”

“Except for your friends, who want to spend time with you and who want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, but no one really wants to spend time with me. They just invite me to things so I’ll feel included and then do their best to avoid me while I’m there so they don’t actually have to deal with me.”

“...It’s really hard to tell when you’re being sarcastic sometimes.”

“I wasn’t. I’ve been working under the assumption that for the most part, no one really likes me and they just do stuff with me to make me feel included. There are obvious exceptions, but that’s generally how it goes.”

“Nav, no offense, but that’s really dumb. I knew you hated yourself, but this goes way beyond that.”

“Not really. It’s pretty standard self-hatred, actually. I hate myself so much that I don’t see any reason anyone else would like me, so I automatically assume no one does and am surprised whenever someone shows that they do. It didn’t help that everyone kept throwing me parties after I explained how much I hated them so many times. I figured everyone hated me and wanted to piss me off and decided to do it by pretending to be nice so they could get away with it.”

“...Wow.”

“I know, it was really dickish of them to keep throwing me parties.”

“No, I just… Wow. Your logic took several pretty big leaps, Nav.”

“I think it all fits together nicely, myself.”

She lifted a hoof to massage her temple for a moment before sighing again. “I’m so sorry, Nav.”

“I forgive you, Twilight. Just please get your friends to stop throwing me parties. Or worse, beautifying me.”

“Not about that and you know it. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do. I’m sorry that you think the way you do. I wish there was something I could do or something I could say to change your mind, but I know it’s so deeply ingrained in you that fixing it is going to take time. But I want you to understand that I’m willing to give you all the time you need. I want you to be happy with who you are, Nav. And honestly, I also kinda want you to stop being such a sarcastic sad-sack.”

“...What if I like being a—”

“Do you? Or is that just all you’ve ever known and you’re too afraid to try new things?”

I was saved from having to answer by the arrival of food. It kinda sucked that I didn’t have any money, because I would have left a pretty nice tip just for the timing. As soon as the waiter walked off, I decided to change the subject before she had a chance to keep pestering me. “I wouldn’t go into Athena’s book without me, if I were you,” I said.

“Why do you say that?” Twiley asked. “Athena isn’t worried that the ponies want to hurt her now, is she?”

“No, it’s just that Hera is legitimately psychotic and doesn’t think the other races are anything but animals for her to play with. She tried keeping the last unicorn as a pet and asked me to kidnap someone else when Athena wouldn’t let her.”

“Nav, that’s… a great way to change the subject. You are way too good at that!”

“Thanks. I thought it was a great move, too. But I’m being serious. Please don’t go there without me. There’s no telling if Athena would protect you or not.”

“I will remember that,” she sighed. “Hera has been trapped alone for quite some time. I know how you were when you first came here. With luck, her views will change over time.”

“If I remember my mythology correctly, Hera’s been psychotically insane all her life. If you wanna try your friendship bullshit on her, whatevs. If she turns you into a pet, I’ll be sure to come by and rub your belly often.”

That apparently didn’t merit a response. She finally got to eating her hay and flower sandwich. My spaghetti was looking pretty delicious, so I joined her.

Honestly, it was kinda mediocre. Since Twilight’s a normal woman, she stole several strands of it while she thought I wasn’t looking. As soon as I saw my chance, I leaned forward and snatched one of the strands with my mouth right as the other side entered hers. She blinked in surprise and didn’t have time to react before I had slurped my end down to the base and was kissing her.

Before she could get into it, I pulled back and booped her on the nose. She was blushing up a storm, of course. “Spaghetti tax,” I said. “That’s the price of stealing my food.”

“W-well… It’s not stealing if you tax it…”

“I love making you turn bright red,” I said with a grin. “You’re even cuter when you’re blushing.”

“I love it when you kiss me,” she softly said. “You’re even cuter when you remind me you’re mine.”

“Then I’ll be sure to do it more often, Twiley. In front of your friends, in front of Taya, maybe in front of Celestia or your parents…” Her ears shot straight down. “Ooh, how about in front of Moonie and Fleur? They can both watch while you have your way with me.” She actually bit her lower lip. “Maybe something to think about, anyway.” I went back to eating, happy to leave that warm and gooey thought worming around in her head.

“...Tease.”

“Oh, you know I hate being called a tease. I give it up too easily for that.”

“Speaking of…” Her horn lit up and I felt something caressing my privates. I went right on eating in silence as she magicked me. My breathing definitely picked up and I whimpered a few times, but let her do everything she wanted while continuing to eat and doing my best to look her in the eyes. “You’re not the only one who can tease.” Her magic withdrew right as I started getting really hot and bothered and she went back to eating as well. I stuck my tongue out at her. “Keep up that attitude and you’ll be sleeping alone tonight, Navi. I’ll tell Doppel you need to be punished.”

“You think Kat will give up her turf that easily? You’d have to pry her off my bed with a crowbar. If she thinks I’m sleeping alone, she’ll be joining me.”

“Hm, maybe. But if I decide you need to be punished and I find out you sleep with Kat tonight, you’re wearing a chastity belt the entire time we’re in Gryphus.”

“...That’s cruel and unusual.”

“I can be a cruel mistress. It seems you enjoy it, if Moonie is right.” She teased my lower lips with magic again. “Being left panting.” She slowly eased them open. “Breathless.” One of her hooves suddenly shot forward and she booped me on the nose. “And begging for more.” Her magic pulled away again. “How’s that sound?”

“Like a dream come true,” I sighed.

“Good. So if you want to feel that way tonight, you’re going to tell me exactly why you hate yourself.”

“Wait, what?”

My ginormous bed isn’t nearly as much fun when I’m not sharing it with anybody. I crossed my arms in sheer disappointment as I tried to fall asleep without anyone holding me. God dammit, Twilight. Your punishments suck.

I woke up very alone the next morning. It surprised me for a moment before I remembered why. Being put in the figurative doghouse the night before a big vacation wasn’t my idea of fun, but neither was forcing me to talk about something I didn’t want to discuss, especially in a public setting.

But whatever, I guess.

There was no hurry for me to do anything, so I sat in the tub until I knew Taya would be waking up. One of the best parts about her being in school is that her schedule finally seemed to normalize. I quickly got dried and threw on a robe so I could walk to her room with decency.

Several outfits were arranged on her bed and she was standing next to it, looking them over. “Go with the left one,” I said as I continued in. “It shows more flank.”

That made her blush bright red, of course. “M-mommy, I—”

I didn’t stop walking and shut her up with a hug. “Good morning, honey,” I said. “Hm, you smell nice. Is that honey and coconut?”

“Um, w-well… It’s what D-Doppel got…”

“She chose well.” I pulled away and looked the outfits over again. “So who are you trying to impress? A teacher? A possible friend? Or maybe a special colt?”

“Nobody! I just…”

“Taya, you can trust me. I promise I won’t tease you too much.”

“W-well… I saw a few colts looking… One of them was handsome.”

“Definitely the left one. What you wanna do is wear thin panties and get yourself a little worked up before you see them, then find some reason to bend over in front of him to—Wait, no, that only works for humans. Shit.” Her face turned even more red as I spoke, of course. “Hell, maybe you should ask Fleur for tips. She knows all about picking up stallions.”

“I… I thought you… didn’t want me to… you know… with colts.”

“Taya, I want you to be happy. Sex is a lot of fun. Now, I absolutely don’t recommend having a ton of mindless sex and living life in a haze of pleasure. I’ve been down that path. It can be fun, but it destroys your body, your mind, and your self-worth over time. But the occasional fling is pretty fun as long as you take precautions and do everything you can to be safe. I’ve already given you the pregnancy talk, so I know I don’t need to warn you about that. Diseases aren’t really an issue here in horse world, so you don’t have to worry about that. But I want you to be careful with your heart, Taya. Some boys are only interested in your body and don’t want to actually be in a relationship with you. Should you ever choose to engage in relations with any of them, make your expectations clear from the get-go, and make sure you understand theirs.”

“Um. Okay.”

“Anyway, can you cast that spell to see if someone’s eavesdropping?”

“Oh, of course.” Her horn lit up and then pulsed out. “Looks like nothing, as far as I can tell.”

“Good. Go ahead and start getting dressed. I can talk while you do.” She grabbed the left outfit, which was a fairly standard skirt and blouse combo, and began putting them on. “I read through some of that book Athena gave me. The only skill I’ve learned so far is the ability to clone myself in the event of my death.” Her ears perked up as she slid some long stockings up her back legs. “I’m working on putting that one into effect now. The first test should be ready by the time I leave. Now, this cloning process ain’t perfect. I’ll only have the memories I have at the time I make the clone. And obviously, I’m not gonna be in a hurry to test it. But I want you to go ahead and get it in play while I’m gone.”

“What do I need to do?”

“When I leave, I’m going to give a seed to Kat to give to you. You are going to take that seed, go somewhere safe, and plant it. Once two weeks pass, it’ll grow into a tree that will give me a new body should I ever die.”

“That sounds… fantastic!”

“I know, right? Tell no one, not even me, where you planted it. If anything ever happens to me and my mind is ever compromised, I want one backup I know I can count on.”

“With pleasure, mommy! But why can’t you go ahead and give it to me now?”

“It’s not ready yet.” I undid the robe a little so I could show off my belly. “I had to keep a seed in my belly for twenty-four hours. It’s been… Oh, about twenty or so. I’m planning on walking you to class, coming back for a few more hours, taking it out, and then going to have a chat with Celestia. I figured I should have my backup prepared in case things go poorly with her.”

“Smart. Who else knows you can even do this?”

“Athena and Kat should be the only two. I’m going to make more seed clones later, but for the moment, one seed is all we could find. With luck, I should have time to read more of that book while I’m in Gryphus.” If I’m not getting railed by hot griffins the entire time. “Once I’m done with it, you’re free to read it all you want.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just read it while you’re gone? I could knock it out in a day or two so you can focus on relaxing.”

“...As a matter of fact, that might be better. Not because I want to make you read it or I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to take such a valuable book with me on a trip like this. So feel free to read it, if you don’t mind. But your schoolwork comes first, Taya. And so does planting that seed. I’ll read it myself once I get back and have some time.”

She beamed, of course. “I love being your little guardian angel, mommy!”

“I know, honey. Now give me a moment so I can get dressed, then I’ll come back and do your hair again.”

“Yes mommy!”

Kat was just coming up the stairs as I left Taya’s room. She met me at mine and let herself inside. “So what’s the plan for today, my lady?”

“I’m gonna walk Taya to school, come back for a few hours, then go see Celestia. After that, I’ll come back here and wait for Twilight to come by. I’ll be leaving after that.”

“Would you like me to go with you while you talk to Celestia?”

“Yes, but it’s better that I go alone. She’s nervous and angry. I think I’ll be able to reason with her better if it’s just me.”

“...As you wish, my lady. And are you sure you don’t want me going with you to Gryphus?”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Kat. Especially not one who sticks out so much. You’d give me away in a heartbeat.”

“Not if I wasn’t seen.”

“Let me rephrase that. I don’t want a babysitter. I don’t want people following me around, ready to bail me out of whatever kind of trouble falls my way. You should trust in me by now, Kat. I can handle myself.”

“As a human. How well can you handle yourself as a pony, Nav? Because there are going to be a lot of very strong, horny predators who are going to have a hard time taking no for an answer, especially from a weak little prey animal. If Twilight isn’t there to help you, you’ll be helpless.”

“Then I won’t say no.” I dropped the robe and started hunting down clothes. “I’m going to have fun. Why would I ever say no anyway?”

She sighed and shook her head. “I think this is unwise.”

“Do you think it’ll be fun?”

“Until I’m proven right.”

“Well, here’s hoping that’ll take a few days.” There was no point in trying to impress Celestia with my clothes. She knew what I was capable of. I didn’t even bother with a dress, just a leather cloak, flower crown, and a set of brown clothes. Honestly, it felt strange to be back in regular clothes after so long in dresses and skirts. Thankfully, it was a good strange.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you pick an outfit?” Kat asked as I looked over myself in the mirror.

“You have a problem with the way I look?”

“It’s not exactly… ladylike.”

“Good. Shall we?”

“As your vassal—” I held up a hand, cutting her off.

“Kat, I appreciate your loyalty. I really do. And I know you’re very intelligent and your advice is usually pretty spot on. It’s not that I don’t trust you to know what you’re talking about. Right now, it’s that I honestly don’t give a single fuck. I want to take risks and do stupid things. And I am super fucking tired of looking ladylike. Forget my reputation for today, because I’m taking a break.”

“Oh. Well why didn’t you just say so, then?”

“I did. Now, again, shall we?”

“After you, Nav,” she said with a grin. I led the way to Taya’s room, where she was now fully dressed.

“So what do you want to do with your hair today?” I asked.

Taya looked up and saw Kat with me. She grinned and asked, “Can you curl it again?”

“Of course, my lady. Let me go get my curling iron.” She hurried off to do that.

“You should let her curl yours too, mommy. It’ll be cute for Twilight when you leave on your date.”

“I might let her do it when we get back, but we’ll need to hurry to get you there on time after this.”

“Aww…”

“So, did you think about what kind of reward you want for being such a sweet filly?”

“Oh, yes. I want a pet!”

“...Really?” It honestly surprised me.

“Yeah. Why did you ask it like that?”

“It surprised me, is all. I mean, are you sure you want a pet? That’s a lot of responsibility. I’ll definitely help you take care of it, but it’ll mostly be on you.”

“I’m okay with that. It’ll be for the entire house, though I’ll definitely take care of it.”

“Good, I guess. If that’s what you really want, okay. I do have a few rules, though. Nothing that Fluttershy wouldn’t keep as a pet, first off. Second, nothing that gets larger than, say, you. Third, nothing that would like to eat, say, you. Fourth, something that’s either smart enough to house break or that we can keep in a cage.”

“Sounds perfect!”

“Alright, cool. I definitely suggest starting with Fluttershy. Most of her animals probably left, but she would have some suggestions for the perfect pet for you. She’s pretty good at matching animals to ponies. And if she doesn’t have what you’re looking for, she’ll probably know where you can find it.”

“Can I use your train pass?”

“Yep. It’s in my desk. Feel free to grab some bits while you’re there, too. You might get hungry while you’re in Ponyville.”

She jumped over and hugged me right as Kat walked in. “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I didn’t quite agree with that, but I hugged her back anyway. “If you say so.”

“You’re both so adorable,” Kat sweetly said, reaching over to pinch one of my cheeks.

I slapped her with a wing. She grabbed it and stroked it, sighing in delight. Tch, pervert. That was long enough to hug my daughter, so I let her go so Kat could do her hair. My little girl stood there with a huge grin while Kat made her even cuter.

“You know, you probably never woulda let me do this to you a few months ago,” I said.

“Seeing you get all dolled up so often made me realize how nice it could be,” Taya said. “Your friends are so nice, mommy. They just love making you look so pretty all the time!”

“They just do it to make me suffer,” I sighed.

“Actually, we do it to make you look your best,” Kat said. “Because even if you might not care how you look, we do. We want you to be at your best at all times, because you are our lady. You might take a break from caring, but we never do.”

“So, you ready to go?” I asked Taya.

“Yep! Let me just grab my books.” She slung a bag over her shoulder and nodded. “Let’s go.”

And so we did. It was fun. Taya got to act all cute on the way. Kat continued to be a little passive aggressive, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.

Once Taya was safely ensconced at school, I left before the Four could send someone out to make me talk. Putting that off for a few weeks sounded great. It would also give me time to think about how to approach Athena about Hera.

When we got back home, I went upstairs and tried to dick around on the laptop, but got stopped by a knife wielding Kat. Instead of procrastinating the time away, I got to fight her for ages instead. It was kinda shitty, but about par for the course.

As soon as an alarm clock went off in my room, I cut the training session off and pulled the seed out. “I want you to give this to Taya as soon as she gets back,” I said.

“You don’t… want me to keep it?”

“I’m going to give you one as soon as I get more seeds. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that she’s my daughter, and I’m afraid daughter trumps vassal and blood servant.”

“That is true, I suppose. I will give it to her. Does she know what it is?”

“Yes, I gave her instructions for it this morning. I know I don’t need to remind you, but tell no one about this. Don’t even bring it up around me.”

“As you wish,” she said with a nod. “Are you going to see Celestia now?”

“Yes. It’s time I put this behind me.”

She nodded. “Good luck. If you don’t come back, I’ll plant the seed immediately.”

“If I don’t come back, you get Taya and you run. Plant that as you run, but you take my daughter and you disappear.”

“Right, of course.”

“Once I get more of these seeds, we’ll come up with a system and some plans for worst-case scenarios. We’ll include Gourd, Watcher, Doppel, and Taya in those talks. For now, I guess just think about it. Anyway, I’ll see you when I get back. With luck, I’ll still be in one piece.”

“I’ll see you soon, Nav.”

Bringing a weapon would make me look scared, so I didn’t bother. I did tuck the ring away some place safe, though I really hoped I wouldn’t need it. When I thought I was ready, I slipped out the back door so no one would follow me.

The guards at the palace didn’t even acknowledge me. That felt pretty disconcerting, but I continued anyway. I didn’t know where exactly Celestia would be, so I asked one of the guards in front of the throne room where she was.

He didn’t even look my way, just stared ahead unblinkingly. I looked at his partner and found that he was doing the same.

“...You know what, I’ll come back another time.”

One of the guards flinched and said, “She is in her dining room, Lady Navarone. I will escort you.”

“Actually, you know, I think I’m good,” I said. “I’m just gonna—”

The other guard flinched and said, “We will escort you. Right now.”

“Um…” I heard something behind me that sounded uncomfortably like gold-shod hooves.

“We all will escort you.”

“I mean, I appreciate the offer, but I think I know the way.”

“Just in case. You are bad at following directions.” That guard’s eyes flashed blue. “Aren’t you, Navarone?”

“...Oh.”

“I warned you, Navarone. I told you there would be consequences.”

I felt myself go very numb as they led me to Celestia. This was not how I was expecting the talk to go. When I got to the dining room, one of the guards held open the door. I hesitated and one of the ones behind me prodded me. There was no other option, so I slowly entered.

What I saw disconcerted me quite a lot. Celestia was seated at one of the side chairs. What I’m pretty sure was Aqua had her place at the table, with an arm in Celestia’s ear. Celestia’s eyes were a pale blue.

“Sit,” Aqua said, waving an arm at the chair across from Celestia.

I pulled out a seat and sat. “Sooo…”

“You desperate fool,” Aqua said. I know you’re the bad guy because you just called me a fool. “I could sit back and watch you self-destruct all day. It’s so amusing to watch. But becoming a host to a fire elemental was too far.”

“So, quick question, how long have you been mind controlling Celestia? Hell, I thought you were still in Atlantis.”

“Not long enough,” Aqua replied, turning slightly red. Celestia shivered and looked away. “I came back early to take a more active hand in running things here.”

“Is she in danger?” I asked.

“She is behaving, for the most part. I suggest you consider behaving as well.”

“Am I in danger?”

“I have warned you many, many times, Navarone. I never wanted it to come to this. You were never to know. But I’m afraid you went too far.”

Oh man. I really do not need this right now. “Can we maybe talk about this?”

“What is there to talk about, hm? How you corrupted one of my sisters? How you almost started a war? How you’ve behaved so terribly your entire time here? You are too important to keep acting this way! You must be guided!”

“Is that why… you took over Celestia?”

“She was mismanaging her power. I like where you were going with admitting the truth about the sun. That would have made it easier for us to step back in as goddesses.”

“Oh, so you’re like, legit evil now, huh?”

She turned bright red and slammed a hand onto the table. “AM I?!” she screamed. Celestia and I flinched and Aqua turned pink. “Sorry, I got a little too into it. It’s just, I’m really enjoying this.”

“I mean, I get it. This is a pretty big jump up for you. Sure, you had Celestia, but she’s old and ugly. Now I guess you get to make me your slave too, and I’m way cooler and prettier.”

“Right?” She patted Celestia on the head. “I’m sorry, but Nav’s my new favorite.” Celestia actually sighed in relief. “But only because I hate her more.”

“So, look, I’m legitimately scared right now. Like, this is mindblowing. Can we call this my last warning and I’ll promise to shape up?”

“I’ll let you talk to Celestia.”

“Uh, no, I think we can skip that. I’d be happy to see myself out.”

“As with so many other things, you thought very, very wrong.” She withdrew her arm from Celestia’s head. Her eyes went back to pink and then blinked.

“Why didn’t you talk to me, Navarone?” she asked. “Why didn’t you ask me before you unleashed these things upon the world?”

“I don’t exactly have a good track record with trusting you. How many times have you let me get fucked over?”

“Well, I hope being petty is worth it to you. This is what your distrust has wrought!”

“Look, I’ll admit we both made mistakes.”

“Hm. It’s time to stop making mistakes, Nav. As much as I hate to admit it, this is an opportunity, even if the one offering it to us is a monster. We were doing well together while I was still free. If we behave, she’ll let us continue that relationship. Discord needs to die and you know our power combined could do anything. With you as our hooves in the world, we could change fate itself.”

“See, small problem with that. I really don’t like slavery, especially when I’m the slave.”

“Tell that to Kat,” Celestia said.

“She volunteered for that! I didn’t even know until a few days ago!”

“And yet every night you let her rut you.”

“Not last night!” Which I’m still a little bitter about.

“Get to the point,” Aqua sighed, caressing one of Celestia’s ears.

“We could be wed, Navarone,” Celestia said. “You and I. We could own the entire planet, eradicate Discord for good!”

“Yeah, as slaves to this thing.”

“You’ve been a slave all your life,” Celestia said. “A slave to a family. A slave to Luna. A slave to Kat. A slave to me. A slave to yourself, to that disgusting code of honor you have. What have all of them offered? Because this master is offering the entire world.”

“I have changed things in this world, Celestia. Anyone who can do that is no slave.”

“They can if they are a slave of Discord. How has he guided you, unknowingly? How has he pulled your strings? If you knew, would you even tell me?”

“She did not know,” Aqua said. “Flo confirmed that Nav had no idea she was a puppet.”

“All the same,” Celestia said, waving a hoof. “We’ve all seen what it is capable of. You’ve unleashed these elementals upon the world, so we might as well use them as best we can. If she can help us unite the world against Discord, I say let her do it. I never truly cared for power, Navarone. Power was just a means to an end, a way to help me protect my ponies. Between the three of us, we can change the world. You have seen to that. Let us guide you instead of Discord. If you are going to have strings, let them be on the right side.”

“There’s the carrot,” I said. “What’s the stick?”

“If you do it willingly, I will allow you to choose your fate, for the most part,” Aqua said. “If you do it unwillingly, I will force you down the best path. If you choose to fight me and make things difficult, or try to tell anyone about this, well… let’s just say you don’t want to know.”

“...I kinda do, actually.”

“I’ll admit, it was originally Celestia’s idea, but I improved upon it. I have a feeling you’ll actually approve. I’ll wipe your memory entirely, turn you into a pony, blindfold you, and give you to Chrysalis to turn into a food pony. If I ever need you again, I’ll give you your memories back, leave you in the hive for a few more days, then come get you. If you misbehave again… Well, we’ll do that to someone you care about. Permanently.”

“Is it okay to insult you?”

“I accept constructive criticism.”

“That was legitimately the most evil thing I have ever heard in my life. So how are we on taking this as a warning? Can this please be a warning?”

“What’s so bad about it, Nav?” Celestia asked. “As long as we both obey, we could be happy together. You know that. We’ve had our differences. I’ve done things I regret. But now we’ll have someone guiding us.”

“Is that you talking, Celestia? Or is that her? You don’t tend to say someone.”

“...Well, I’m changing. I realized such a thing was inappropriate in this day and age.”

“See, now that doesn’t sound like you. The Celestia I know is really stuck to her racist guns. So I kinda gotta wonder, how much of that in there is you and how much of that is what she made you?”

“That is fire elemental propaganda!” Aqua shouted. “We would never do that!”

“Yeah, uh huh. Tell that to Kat.”

“As I said, you corrupted a water elemental. Flo has become something twisted, a mockery of what we are.” Yeah, Flo is the mockery. “Her injury and time in the ground made her unstable. She was at a weak point and your mind ruined her. She deserved better than you.”

“Wow, okay, forgive me for getting dragged into a war I didn’t want. She asked for my help. Those consequences are hers. She knew the risks.”

“She thought she could control you, but she was too weak-willed to guide you properly. I will not make the same mistake. You will become a better person, like it or not.”

“So uh… I’m gonna ask again. How about that warning?”

“You have a choice to make, Nav.”

“...I want full autonomy in my personal life.” You never get anything if you never ask, right?

“One exception. I will control how you treat Taya. Your behavior with her is disgusting.”

“I want to be able to pursue my own interests and be my own person. If you promise to leave that to me, and only because I have literally no other choice, I’ll let you handle major decisions regarding the mission. And I guess Taya. But once this is done and Discord is dead, I want to be freed, on the condition that I retire completely from the world.”

“That will depend entirely upon your behavior. Are you ready?”

“I mean, no.”

She reached over and patted my face. “I’m so sorry it came to this, Nav.”

“It’s not too late,” I quietly said.

“You would go straight to Brook. I’m afraid she wouldn’t understand what I had to do to Celestia and she certainly won’t understand what I have to do to you. Like I said, you were never to know. I honestly thought our best chance was for you to change on your own. But I see now that it won’t happen. You are too hurt, too broken to change. I want you to be happy, Nav, but you’ve disappointed me. I think this is the best way to make that happen.”

“I want you to know that I think this is wrong and evil.”

“Soon enough, you’ll realize I’m right.” Her hand finally went to my ear and I felt a new presence in my head. “It’s time to begin healing, Nav.”

“Congrats, way to make that sound super ominous.”

Celestia flinched and then gasped. “Nav! Are you… Oh no, what did… Did she…”

“Did you… Were you not…”

“Celestia has misbehaved,” Aqua said, caressing Celestia’s hair. “Sometimes I have to take a more direct role with her. That won’t be an issue with you, will it?”

“Navarone, what has she done?”

“She kinda just forcefully turned me into a host.”

“Then we are doomed, slaves for eternity to this thing.”

“Yeah, that’s not so good,” I said. “So, I’m gonna go ahead and apologize for not asking you about freeing these things first. My bad.”

“That in no way makes up for this! But I appreciate that you understand you were wrong.”

“Hm, interesting,” Aqua said. “Nav was planning to depose you, Celestia.”

“You were WHAT?!”

“You were planning to kill me!”

“That is true,” Aqua said. “Before I took her over, she had a plan in place to put you down. It was very extensive.”

“I was only gonna do it if she tried to hurt me,” I said.

“And I was only going to do it if you tried to depose me!”

“Look, I’ll admit we both made mistakes. But that’s apparently behind us now.” Until we get free and kill Aqua. My new elemental giggled in glee at my optimism.

She snorted. “Whatever. At least I know I could have stopped any attempted coup in its tracks.”

“Actually, Navarone would have annihilated you,” Aqua said.

“Woo!” I shouted, shooting my hands up.

“Ugh, maybe this is for the best,” Celestia said.

“Silence,” Aqua said. “There is no maybe. This is for the best. Now, all of Discord’s tools are in our control. Moonbeam is taking directions well from Naiad. You two are in my direct control. We finally have a fighting chance, if you two just obey me. I would be happy to let you keep your independence in most things, as long as you listened to me when it mattered. Not even you can deny you need this, not after murdering that shaman.”

“He’s the one who—”

“Was appeasing his master, the fire elemental you elected to save. If you had actually talked to Blaze, you would have realized he was going to use Gilda to try to reach out to save himself. All you did was murder a kobold who was forced against his will to sacrifice another. If you had just taken a moment to think and a moment to talk, that death could have been avoided. It will take years to repair that damage!” She scoffed. “You feel nothing, no remorse at all for what you did. I should have taken you over as soon as you told me you were suicidal.”

“You’re what?” Celestia hissed.

“Navarone has wanted to die for years,” Aqua said. “Since well before she came here. If not for Taya, she would have already slain herself.”

“I… suspected as much,” Celestia sighed. “I’m so sorry, Nav. I know you were afraid. I wish I hadn’t betrayed you so much. I wish I could have earned your trust.”

“Planning to kill me doesn’t exactly do you any favors.

“That would be after Discord was dealt with. And, well, kill is a strong word. I would have made you disappear.”

“...Wow, so Aqua was telling the truth. That was your idea.”

“You were planning on killing me!”

“Yeah, that’s quick and final! That’s not turning me into an eternal sex slave!”

“I have to side with Nav on this one,” Aqua said. “I would have made the process reversible, in case she could prove her worth again.”

“At least then she could make up for her crimes against Equestria,” Celestia said. “Not to mention her numerous murders!”

“Look, at least half of those were premeditated self-defense or the other person just straight up deserved it.”

“Nobody deserves to be killed,” Aqua said.

“What, and people deserve to be enslaved instead?” I asked.

“If it’s for their own good, yes. I am protecting you from yourself and Discord.”

“I think I was doing fine on my own.”

They both shrugged and said, “Eh.”

“Fucking whatever. So are we done here? Can I go now, massa?”

“I don’t much care for your tone, Navarone,” Aqua coldly said.

“What, did you think I would be happy about getting turned into your pet human? What happened to treating your hosts properly and never taking a host without his or her permission?”

“Extreme times call for extreme measures, I’m afraid. We now know for certain that you were created by Discord. How could we possibly trust you without guidance? You may not be happy about it now, but I want you to think about that, Nav. You were created by Discord. Every move you make could be something he premeditated. Am I really so evil for wanting to protect the world from his tools?”

“You can make anything sound right when you move words around all day. You turned me and Celestia into slaves.”

“Don’t even bother trying,” Celestia sighed. “She’s insane.”

“You’re the crazy ones!” Aqua shouted, turning bright red and slamming one of her hands down on the table again. When we both flinched, she giggled and turned blue again. “Sorry, I’m just really enjoying this. Just think of how much good you’re going to get to do now that you’re being guided by the righteous once more, Nav!”

“Oh yeah, she’s definitely crazy,” I said. “Since I guess we’re kinda back together again, you interested in a quickie before I go?”

Celestia blinked, then sighed and said, “I guess. Might as well burn some stress off. And some of that anger about you PLANNING TO KILL ME!”

“That’s my mare,” I said. “Put that anger to good use on my vagina.” She grinned darkly and we both teleported to her room.

The horrible things she did to me helped take my mind off getting violated in the worst possible way by an evil brain leech, at least. They left me with a limp that I knew Twilight would ask about, but I was okay with that.

As I flew back home, I steadily pondered just how I was going to get rid of Aqua. She mocked me the entire time.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Nine—The Gryphoning

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Nine—The Gryphoning

“I hate you.”

“For now,” Aqua said, simulating patting me on the head.

I was currently mostly alone in my room. As soon as I got back, I locked myself away so I could brood to myself. “This isn’t going to work, Aqua.”

“You say that, but it seems to be working fairly well. No one has really noticed that I’ve had my tendrils in or around Celestia.”

“Which I’m still curious about. How exactly did you take her over?”

She actually giggled. “It was surprisingly difficult. Once I was in, it was easy. But getting there... Thanks to you and Flo, she knew some of what I could bring to the table. Our cooperation started weeks ago, but it wasn’t until just recently that I decided Equestria needed a true change in management. I know you agree, Nav. Your thoughts betray you.”

“I’m not gonna deny that Equestria needs a better, less evil ruler. Of course, the key words there are less evil. Slavers are pretty fucking evil.”

“Hmph. Well, after getting information about Celestia from Twilight, I decided to approach her privately and offer her my assistance with handling a few matters. She was reluctant at first, but as you began working against her more and more and growing closer to several powerful figures in Canterlot, she decided I might make a valuable ally. I started by taking over the minds of guards she cloned from what’s called the Mirror Pool. They were blank slates, simple to control.”

“That explains a few things.”

My head started feeling slightly warm. “You saw a few of the pieces, but you didn’t complete the puzzle until it was too late. I truly am sorry that it came to this, Nav, but I’m happy you didn’t try to fight it.”

“Don’t think this is over, Aqua. You may own me and Celestia now, but you’re gonna slip one day and we’ll be ready.”

“Hm, perhaps. One thing you should consider is that, with me out of the way, you and Celestia will be right back at each other’s throats. And now she knows you were planning to kill her.”

“Only in self-defense. I knew she was planning the same.”

“And if it weren’t for me, you might have destroyed each other trying to save your own skins.”

I snorted. “Don’t break an arm jerking yourself off, bitch.”

An icy spike shot into my brain, making me gasp. “You will keep a civil tongue with me, Navarone. I am not a weak-willed, forgotten and lost elemental. You will respect me.”

“Will you respect me?”

“When I believe it is merited, yes.”

“Then go fu—AH!”

She shot another few spikes into my mind. “I am not going to kill you, Nav. Even if I did, and even if that seed of yours did work, you would have no memory that I did this to you, so you would never see it coming again.” The pain finally eased down, though I was doing quite a lot to disrespect her in my mind. “I understand that this will require some adjustments, but in the long run, I’m sure you’ll see that this is for the best.”

“And what do you think Discord is gonna do when he finds out that you stole his favorite toy?”

“Favorite?” an unfortunately familiar male voice asked. All my energy left me as Discord stepped up from the other side of my desk, as if he had been hiding there. For some reason, he was now sporting a curly mustache. “Why, whatever makes you think you’re my favorite, hm?”

“I mean, I just kinda figured.” It’s kinda sad, but I actually felt relieved to see him. He was an asshole, but I was really hoping he would deal with this for me.

“Well, you figured correctly,” he said, patting me on my cheek.

“I like the ‘stache, man. You doin’ a new look?”

“Cartoonishly evil is in these days, you know,” he replied, stroking it menacingly. “Anywho, I just came here to tell you not to worry. Aqua hasn’t really stolen you.”

“You sure?” I asked. “Because I mean, she’s kinda in my head right now.”

“Oh, of course. She may think she owns you, but I think we all know who really holds your strings. She may force you to make one choice or another, but the fact that you’re making choices at all means you are still following the path I put you on. As long as you’re playing my game, you are still very much my toy.”

Aqua took over my mouth and said, “Your reverse psychology will not work on me, Chaos. Navarone is mine now! We will destroy you!”

Discord snapped. Water began flowing from my body. Not just Aqua, but all the water. Before my body completely dried up, the flow stopped and Discord held out his talon. The water slowly flew over to it and he gently poked it. “This is how tenuous your hold is on my toy, Aqua. You are a machine made by man without magic to simulate a water goddess. I, on the other hand, am a true god, a spirit of chaos incarnate. Do you truly think your power or abilities mean anything to me? I eradicated most of your ilk ages ago. It was no mistake that allowed the rest of you to live. I just simply didn’t think you were worth my time. And as a matter of fact…” He threw the ball of water at me, letting it all absorb back in. “I still don’t. Guide my pawn however you choose, Aqua. But don’t think you can lead her away from her destiny. It’ll find her, one way or another.”

“You’re not gonna kill her?” I asked.

“What, and stop you from suffering? As if. She’s your problem. But don’t worry, you’ll have your chance soon.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Yes. Farewell for now, Navi!” With a stroke of his mustache, he was gone.

“What an cartoonishly evil asshole,” I sighed.

“Indeed.” Aqua said. “See there? We’re agreeing on things already! Don’t worry, though. He’s a masterful liar. If he says you’ll find a way to escape me, there’s definitely no way you’ll be escaping my loving grasp any time soon.”

“You were in a dictator’s head once, Aqua. What would Sombra think about what you’ve done to Celestia and I?”

“I am in Celestia’s head right now, Nav. Do you know what darkness, what evils lie in her head? You may think I am evil, but I am nothing compared to her. You may not like what I have done, and I do understand that. This is unethical and if there were any other way, I would take it. Unfortunately, we live in very desperate times. Celestia absolutely had to be reined in or she would have caused chaos in her paranoia. Iceland should have been your wakeup call, Nav. After everything you’ve seen, after all that you know, do you really think you’re better off with Celestia left to her own devices?”

“I think I’d be better off without you in my head, that’s for damn sure.”

“You and Celestia were going to tear the world apart, Nav. That party of yours was the opening move. I know you’re intelligent. I know you’re capable of seeing the truth.”

“I can see that you’re hiding from your sisters. I can see that you’re afraid of them.”

“I will make them understand in time. I don’t want to have to hurt anyone. You just didn’t leave me any other options. I know you didn’t want to hurt Celestia, and now you don’t have to. You also don’t have to fear her anymore. If you really want to think about it, I did you a favor.”

“That’s evil guy logic 101, Aqua. Come on.”

She sighed. “I’m being serious, Nav. Celestia was a great threat. She was having you watched at all times. She was a hair’s breadth from making you disappear. You would just be another bloodstain for her to step over. Now, she is on our side.”

“You say our.”

“Oh, that’s right, you aren’t human anymore. Let me rephrase that. She is now on humanity’s side.”

“Oh yeah, because we’re really the ones who had everything figured out.”

“You know, you’re really insufferable sometimes.” I just sat there in stunned silence for a few seconds. “You’re right, I’m sorry. That was inconsiderate of me. But you were being kind of a bitch!”

“I’ve had you in my head for not even an hour and I already want to kill myself even more than usual. Why do you think this is for the best, again?”

“You realize I could completely rewire you with a twitch in your brain, right? I could turn you into a psychopath, a wild animal.”

I sat there in silence for a few long seconds before sighing. “Are you really sure you’re the good guy here?”

“Or I could turn you into a vegetable.”

“And now we’re going with the threats. Please, continue telling me about how I should be grateful you haven’t already killed me, turned me into a vegetable, or made me eat my own daughter.”

We sat there in silence for about half a minute.

“Nothing?” I asked. “You sure?”

She sighed. “I’m not asking for much, Nav. Really, I’m not. I realize that this is going to take some getting used to. Your happiness does mean a lot to me.”

“Not enough, apparently.”

“Not enough to risk everything on, no,” she sighed. “I generally will be as hands-on or hands-off as you wish. I will not stand in the way of any of your numerous disgusting affairs, though I will absolutely complain about them. I will not get in the way of any of your operations. I’ll let you run your household however you please. Really, if you want, you can generally just pretend I’m not even here.”

“Minus the part where you can shut my brain off without even thinking about it.”

“And minus the parts where you throw people into volcanoes.”

“God, again with this?”

“I’m understanding now why Flo started hurting you.” My head went a few degrees warmer. “You really are like a child, Nav. I know you don’t like hearing it and I know you don’t like it when I say that, but it’s true. And, like all children, occasionally you need to be guided.”

“Or, you know, turned into a slave.”

“If you put as much thought into your actions as you do your words, that kobold would still be alive. What is being petty worth to you, Nav? An entire species?”

“...I dunno, it can be fun sometimes.”

“Flo may have allowed that, but those days are behind you now. This is an opportunity, Nav. Can’t you at least give me a chance? If I recall correctly, you said you hated yourself anyway, right?”

“Not that much.”

“Too bad. This is happening, like it or not.” Right as she said that, someone knocked on the door. “Perfect timing. That would be Twilight. Really, Nav, you won’t even notice me.” I sighed and stood up to get the door. “Oh, before you think about trying to tell her or tip her off in some way, remember that I know her a lot better than you do.” Right as I put my hand on the knob, she giggled and added, “Also, I can shut your brain off whenever I want. Now smile!”

That absolutely did not make me want to smile. The fluffy purple pony on the other side of the door kinda did, though. “Howdy, Twiley,” I said, doing my best to sound like I wasn’t being held captive.

I obviously did a pretty good job, because she hopped up to hug me. “Good evening, Navi.” An armful of warm mare did a nice job of making me forget I was now a mind-slave, at least. “I hope… Wait…” She sniffed a few times before backing away. “You smell like Celestia!”

“Yeah, we uh… had a talk.”

“A talk?”

“A talk that… kinda evolved into angry hate sex. We’re by no means back together, but we’re working on mending things. There’s too much at stake to be enemies.”

She sighed in relief. “Good. I was honestly worried you two might try killing each other.” She brushed past me and continued into the room.

Aqua giggled. “You’re such a good liar, Navi. Good thing you can’t lie to me anymore…”

So much for not even knowing you’re here. I shut the door behind Twilight and walked over to the bed. “So what’s the plan for the trip?” I asked when I was seated on the comfy sheets.

“I am going to change my coat white. My name will be Lady Ivory. I’ll be turning you into a pony, then changing your coat color to pink. You will be my maid, named Rose Charm.”

“Do I really have to be pink?”

“Yes. We’ll be going by train. All the luggage we require is waiting on us downstairs.”

“I’m gonna need to be human for a little while. I’m still planning on meeting Princess Gilda.”

“Then I’ll pick a few outfits for you,” she said, walking over to one of my dressers.

“...’Kay.” She opened a few drawers and levitated out two very short dresses, two blouse and short skirt combos, four pairs of long stockings, and two pairs of heels. “Can we uh… maybe discuss the wardrobe?”

“I thought we decided that I was going to be in charge on this trip.”

“With limits, yes.”

She rolled her eyes and put one of the dresses, one of the skirts, and one pair of heels away, then pulled out a pair of pants and a pair of normal shoes. “Better?”

“Marginally.”

“Good.” She closed the drawers and walked back over, still carrying the clothes. “The carriage pullers are charging to wait for me, so we can talk more on the way. We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready.”

“Should I bring any bits?”

She shook her head. “This is a research opportunity for me, Nav. The money I’m making from our books is going to very amply cover this, and the amount of material we get from this will help me write several more books.”

“When are you going to turn me into a horse?”

“When we get to the train station.”

“Well, as soon as I let some people know I’m leaving, I’ll be good to go.”

“Doppel and Kat are downstairs.”

“Baller. Shall we?” Her horn lit up and we actually teleported down to the foyer. “I guess that also works.”

“I’ll be out front,” she said, starting to walk that way. I guess she was going to pack those clothes with the rest. “Don’t keep me waiting too long.”

“I won’t,” I replied as I walked into the sun room. Sure enough, Doppel and Kat were sitting at one of the tables with Silver and Smiles. I went over to join them, though I didn’t sit. “Twilight and I are about to head out.”

“So soon?” Kat asked.

“Apparently. Kat, you’re in charge of hugging my daughter for me when she gets back.”

“...Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

“Yes.” She sighed in disappointment and looked away. “Doppel, keep looking for employees.”

“Of course, my lady. Would you like me to hug Taya as well?”

“By all means, if you want. Silver, don’t forget about your vacation.”

“...Oh. I had forgotten about it again. Um. Do I have to take a vacation?”

“I mean, you don’t have to, but I’d like you to. You can also hug Taya when she gets back, if you want. Someone let Watcher know I’m gone, as well.”

“What about me?” Smiles asked.

“Look for a boyfriend,” I said, tousling his hair. “Athena’s book is in my room, if Jak wants to head back in. You’re not allowed to hug Taya, though.”

“Uh. Why not?”

“Because you give shitty hugs.” His mouth dropped. “Anyway, I’m heading out. I’ll see some of you in a week or so. I’ll see the rest of you a bit after that.”

“I don’t give shitty hugs!” Smiles shouted.

“Compared to Doppel, you do,” I said as I turned to go. “Have fun, guys.” He grumbled as the others said their variations of goodbye.

“You’re so mean to Smiles,” Aqua said. “It vexes Ice so…”

It’s just, he makes it so easy. I can’t stop myself from taking shots.

“You never even once considered his feelings?”

He never once considered mine. Dude’s been shamelessly flirting on me forever.

“Well, you sent him a whole lot of mixed signals.”

Eat a dick.

“You know I’m right.”

I know I’m ignoring you now. She continued bitching at me, but I was over it.

Twilight was standing next to a fairly simple looking carriage. My clothes were nowhere to be seen. “Ready?” she asked as I walked over.

“Yep.” She hopped up into the carriage and I followed. The thing was obviously meant for ponies, but I didn’t have to hunch over too much. Once we were both seated and had the door closed, it took off.

“So I had a few ideas for your personality,” Twilight said. “I’m thinking demure, shy, and afraid of griffins.”

“Why afraid of griffins?” I asked. “That seems counterproductive.”

“Not according to my studies. A lot of griffins enjoy nabbing prey animals, especially pegasi. To them, a shy pegasus who is afraid of them would be the perfect target.”

“...Huh. That sounds kinda rapey, actually.”

“Don’t be silly. You’ll be consenting, of course. If anyone tries to push their luck after you tell them no, they’ll have me to contend with.”

“Whatever, I guess. Anything else?”

“I’m thinking you’ll be married, too. Your husband will be a fairly small earth pony with basically no libido.”

“I’m gonna have to ask you why.”

She smirked. “What predator would pass up the opportunity to bag a married prey animal? They’ll get to prove that they’re a better lay than your prey husband. They’ll also get to call you a cheating slut.”

“Wow. You’re really going into some fetishes here.”

“That’s the plan,” she said with a nod.

“Well, whatever. I guess that’s one of the advantages of going in disguise and roleplaying.”

“Definitely. Of course, I am going to be a spoiled lady who is also married. I’ll advertise the fact that I’m specifically in Gryphus to cheat on my husband with as many griffins as I can, which should drive them wild. I’ll push you into assisting me.”

“Don’t go too overboard. If you push me too hard, the guards might get involved.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue. If it is, we can just tell them that we’re roleplaying. If push comes to shove, I can tell them I’m Shady Grey and you’re Snow White.”

“‘Kay. Also, it’s probably nothing, but my period is going to start really soon. Like, today-ish. It might correspond with my heat cycle as a pony, but I’ve never been a horse long enough to really test it.”

She grinned widely. “That’s very convenient. I was planning on making you a type of tea that simulates heat in mares, but now I might not have to!”

“Huh. That would be a pretty nasty surprise. Is there anything else I need to worry about?”

Her grin turned sly. “Well, I was gonna let it be a surprise, but since you asked…” Her horn lit up and a small vial appeared. There was a sticker on it shaped like a spider. “Kat and Nightshade have been working on something for me. You have such interesting friends, Nav.”

“So is that some kind of poison?”

“Hm, sort of. It’s supposed to make the affected spot extremely sensitive to touch.”

That set off an alarm bell or two in my head. “...Where did they get the ingredients?”

“Spider was the main donor.”

“I’ve been bitten by one of those things before. No thanks.”

She shook her head. “Spider was the main donor. Nightshade used some of her knowledge to dilute his poison and get rid of all the negative effects. We’re testing it for them. I know exactly how sensitive you are by default, so this will be a good judge of how effective it is. If this works out, they’re going to try marketing it to The Crop. With a sparkling recommendation from Miss Shady Grey and her lovely assistant, they should have no problem selling it. They’re going to use the money to buy Spider anything he might need to help adapt.”

“...I’d be happy to pay for anything he needs.”

She shrugged. “They thought it would help him feel more independent, so he wouldn’t feel completely indebted to you. And I believe your lady couldn’t possibly risk testing such a thing on herself. Such a thing would be much better suited for her lowly servant.”

“Ugh, fine, whatever.”

She swatted me with magic. “That is no way to speak to your lady!”

“You ain’t my lady until you turn me into a horse.”

“Fine, be that way.” The vial disappeared and the glow around her horn vanished. “I’m not gonna be too mean, but I am gonna push you. I’m not quite positive where your limits are, so let me know if I go too far.”

“Give me a safe word for everything. I’m gonna try to be acting, so I might seem reluctant.”

She nodded. “Of course. Would you be interested in splitting up on some days?”

“I’ll see how things go, but probably. Especially if you could turn me into a changeling.”

“That would be risky. You know how griffins feel about them. If they find out, you might be in trouble.”

“I’ll be fine. I don’t have to have sex all the time. I could be a changeling for any events I wanted to go to. That way I could fit in without everyone trying to fuck me all the time.”

“...If you say so. Another adventure spell I learned recently is one that allows a caster to enchant another person. If that person says a certain phrase, I’ll be alerted immediately. So if you get in trouble, I can teleport you back.”

“That’s good to know. If I do end up in heat, do you know any kind of anti-pregnancy spell? I don’t want to risk getting knocked up.”

“Yes, of course. You know, it’s strange. I went into heat this morning. Our cycles never matched before.”

“Huh. Well, that’s something that can happen between human women. When they spend enough time together, their cycles can swap to match over time. Maybe it works between ponies and humans as well.”

“Neat. We’ll have to do more experimentation. If that is the case, Taya probably also went into heat this morning.”

“If she did, I didn’t notice. I usually don’t unless they tell me, though.”

“...I wonder if Kat goes into heat cycles.” I just shrugged. “That might be something we should start keeping track of. If every female on the ship has cycles at the same time, we could have issues.”

“I’ll let you be in charge of asking them when they’re in heat.”

She blinked, then thought for a few seconds. “Maybe it’s not that important after all.” I reached over to boop her on the nose. “I bet a few of the griffins would be happy to rub your tummy. I’ll be sure to ask.”

“Good. I can enjoy it all I want without feeling shame. Seriously, never let Spike do that again.”

“Agreed. I was not expecting that reaction. Anyway, how would you like your hair done? I’ve got a few styles in mind.”

“Do whatever you want,” I said with a shrug. “As long as it doesn’t look stupid, I don’t really care.”

“Perfect. Sit still.” Her horn lit up and she started manipulating my hair. I leaned forward so none of it was stuck behind me and she got to work. It seemed like she needed to concentrate, so I just stayed silent as she worked.

“You follow her orders so well,” Aqua said. “Would it really kill you to follow mine, too?”

Are you going to order me to do sexy things?

She actually giggled at me. “Is that what it would take, Navi? Do you want me to be your new mistress? I suppose I could control you in ways no one else could…”

You could, but you won’t. That would be unhealthy, wouldn’t it?

“So is turning you into a host against your will. This will be something for me to think about. I imagine you would be more amenable if I started rewarding you. It would certainly be better than forcing you in line with threats, wouldn’t it?”

First you forced yourself into my mind and now you’re talking about forcing me into sex slavery? How sure are you that you’re doing the right thing, again?

“Hm… That is a fair point. I do imagine you would learn to enjoy it, but that is a path I will not go down.” She giggled again. “Well, not until you decide you want me to…”

“Your hair is so fun to play with, Nav,” Twilight said. “There’s just so much of it!”

“Yeah, Kat and Rarity also seem to enjoy it. I’ve been considering cutting it just to spite them.” And also to help it dry faster. It takes fucking ages.

“Hm, that would be disappointing. It would give me less to pull on while I’m pounding you from behind. I also wouldn’t be able to make you look as cute!”

“I’d miss the hair pulling. I definitely wouldn’t miss being able to look cute.”

“As cute. You’d still be pretty cute, even with short hair.”

“Just so you know, I’m gonna cuddle the shit out of you every night.”

“Not if I cuddle you first! Or, you know, if any griffins cuddle us first.”

“Eh.” She went back to focusing on my hair.

“I could cuddle you too, you know,” Aqua said. “You know how good water elementals are at snuggling…”

I thought you hated me. Why would you want to cuddle?

“You are my host now, Nav. I want to love you and I want you to love me. Snuggling would be a good step in the right direction.”

Pass. Her chuckle didn’t put me at ease. Consent didn’t seem to be something she cared much about, unfortunately. I was really hoping Twilight’s friendliness would rub off on you.

“Friendliness has its place, Nav. Unfortunately, some people call for tough love. Especially those who enjoy tossing people into volcanoes.”

Not gonna lie, it felt good. I wish I had a camera for the look on his face when I let go.

“Yes, I think you need extra snuggles.” I sighed and placed my head in my hands.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

It took me a second to come up with a response that didn’t involve Aqua. Thankfully, it wasn’t hard. “I hate being a woman, Twilight.”

“Why?” She actually sounded curious.

Unfortunately, I didn’t really have anything in mind. Still, it wasn’t hard to come up with some reasons. “No one cared about how I looked before. Now, everyone’s fussing about every little detail, down to the last strand of hair.”

“That’s mostly because you’re a noble, not because you’re a woman. Appearances matter, Nav. You might not care, but those around you do. Besides, Rarity’s been dressing you up like a doll since day one. Since we’ve been on the ship, supplying you with outfits has been one of the few things she can do in her spare time. It’s either dresses or suits, at this point.”

“Everyone’s been treating me like a porcelain doll lately. They all act like I’m weak now, like I can’t take care of myself. You should have seen Kat when I told her she wasn’t coming on this trip.”

She shook her head. “You’re one of the strongest people I know, Nav, but your friends are worried about you. They want to keep you safe, woman or not. Besides, there have been times when you needed them and they weren’t there, even when you were still a man.”

“I’d like to see you defend having a period.”

“Hm, refractory periods? Not that you would have to worry about those anymore… That thing between your legs does have a few upsides, Navi.”

“...You know, we could just let the griffins watch.”

“It’s a thought.” A mirror appeared with a flash and she finally stopped playing with my hair. “What do you think?”

She had it put up in pigtails, though they hung very low and curled in on themselves. Honestly, it looked really cute. I didn’t want to tell her that, though. Instead, I settled for, “Honestly, it looks really cute.”

Okay, I didn’t want to tell her that. Apparently Aqua didn’t get the memo.

Twiley grinned. “Good. We should be arriving shortly, Nav.”

“I’m kinda surprised you even know how to do hair. Yours is always exactly the same.”

“Hm, is that a problem?”

“No, you’re adorable. It’s just, if you know how to do it, why don’t you do yours?”

“You know how to do your own. Why don’t you?”

“Because I don’t want to and I don’t give a single fuck how I look.”

“...Oh. Well, I don’t do anything with mine because I’m content with being adorable. Why don’t you care how you look?”

“Because I didn’t ask anyone to look at me. You look at me at your own peril.”

Things got uncomfortably quiet. For a few long seconds, all I could hear was the sound of the wheels moving and hooves trotting. Finally, Aqua started laughing at me and Twilight just flatly said, “What.”

“Why would I care what someone else sees when they look at me? They can mind their own damn business. And if they still feel the need to pester me, they can look at my hideously deformed, unkempt body. Then they can vomit and move on with their lives.”

“Uh… huh. So I’m just gonna add self-esteem to the list of things we need to work on.”

God dammit. “What else is on that fucking list?”

Before she could answer, the carriage ground to a halt and something tapped on the door. “I do believe we’ve arrived.” She made the mirror disappear and opened the door with magic. “After you, Lady Navarone.” I flicked her nose before hopping out. She followed right behind me, still rubbing her cute little nose. “I’ll remember that.”

“Good.” We were definitely at the train station. While Twilight was dealing with her carriage pullers, I went over to check out the train schedule. We still had about an hour before the next train heading to Gryphus arrived. It would take a few hours to reach Gryphus. Apparently this train was much smaller than the average ones. I have no idea why they put that on the schedule.

“How much time do we have?” Twilight asked when she joined me.

“An hour or so.”

“Good.” Her horn lit up and her coat and mane slowly lost their pigments until they became stark white. “There we go. How do I look?”

“Very… white.”

“Good, it worked. Head inside. I’ll catch up once I handle the luggage.”

“‘Kay.” I walked in while she handled the bags. Some part of me knew she’d already have tickets sorted out, so I didn’t even bother heading to the kiosk. I figured she’d want privacy when she turned me into a horse, so I walked over to the bathrooms and sat at one of the benches next to them. I couldn’t help but notice that I left a trail of hushed whispers in my wake. For some reason, I felt disgusted in myself.

Well, more so than usual.

It didn’t take Twilight long to join me. She sat at my side and leaned against me. “I’ve been planning this for weeks, Nav. It feels good to have things in motion.”

“...Yeah.”

She sighed and asked, “What’s wrong this time?”

“When I walked over here, ponies stopped talking to each other and just stared. I usually don’t notice since I’m with others, but when I’m by myself it’s… obvious. I’m tired of being a freak.”

“Is that why you think ponies stare at you, Nav?”

“Some of them. Apparently a lot of my guards like staring at my ass.”

“It’s not just your guards. I catch myself doing that, too. But most ponies stare at you because you’re a hero, Nav. I really wish you could take pride in your accomplishments. Listening to you playing yourself down at times gets tiring.”

I reached around her and pulled her tightly against me. “Don’t worry, Twiley. One day, you’ll learn to hate me just as much as I hate me.”

“Nah. One day, I’ll force you to see the you I see. But for now, let’s get you in disguise.”

“So what’s everyone gonna think when I walk in that bathroom and then never come out?”

“Do you care?”

“Fair enough.” I let her go and hopped up. I started walking into the bathroom, but she grabbed me with magic.

“I believe you’re forgetting something.”

“What’s… oh.” I realized I was about to walk into the men’s room. “Come on, Twiley. We could start our vacations early. Maybe there’s a gloryhole.”

“I don’t know what that is, but you’re going to fill me in later. Now move it, missy.” I sighed and walked over to the mare’s room instead. Just walking inside it gave me chills, for some reason. Unfortunately, I was technically a chick, so it was undeniably the correct one. There were several stalls, most of which were empty. Truth be told, I was kinda surprised there wasn’t a line.

Twilight bundled me into one of the stalls and quietly stripped me down, then muted the walls and turned me into a horse. It was just as disorienting as always.

Before I had time to really get used to it, I saw myself turning pink. “There we go,” she said. “Welcome to a life of slutty servitude, Rose Charm.”

“I’m eager to serve, Lady Ivory,” I sweetly said.

“Good. Stand still.” She teleported in a fairly standard maid outfit, then forced it onto me. Once it was in place, she slid long stockings up my back legs, placed something in the top band of one of them, then I felt something slim slip inside of me. “I hope you don’t mind a little bit of remote fun.”

“I live to serve, my lady.”

She pulsed the vibe, making me shiver in delight. “Yes, you do.” As a final step, she slid sandals on all my feet. “For now, keep this dress on. I think I found a way to give you a cutie mark that’ll last for a while. We’ll test it when we get settled.”

“Aw, so we won’t have any fun on the train?”

“That’s what this is for, duh.” She turned the vibe on high for a moment and then leaned in to kiss me again. As soon as she pulled away, she turned the vibe off. “I’m going to teleport out. Join me back in the lobby whenever you’re ready.”

“As you wish.” She leaned in and snuck a smooch on my face before popping off.

There was no telling how long it would really take me to be ready to face the coming storm. Since I gave up on really being prepared for anything a long time ago, I nodded once and turned to face the exit. That’s when I realized something pretty important.

How the fuck am I supposed to open the door?

“I believe I can assist,” Aqua said. “Spending enough time in Twilight’s head gave me an idea for how the ponies do impossible things with their hooves. Lift a hoof up to the lock.” I did so and she somehow turned the lock with it. “You’re welcome.”

Gee, thanks. Turning that one lock sure did make up for turning me into a mind slave and threatening to rape me.

“Good. I was starting to think you’d never get over that. Now shall we move this travesty along?”

I’m gonna make sooo many bad decisions just to spite you.

“You’ve made plenty of those without my influence. Honestly, you should be above this. You’re a world-star hero. You shouldn’t be debasing yourself like a… common harlot.”

Yep, gonna find a gloryhole, alright. I hope griffin cum tastes good.

“You’re disgusting.” That compliment made me feel warm inside, so I finally decided that I was ready and stepped out of the bathroom. As soon as I was in the lobby, I was greeted by… nothing. No one looked up, no one noticed, and no one stopped talking. I let out a small breath and looked for Twilight. Finding her wasn’t too hard; there weren’t too many monochromatic ponies out there.

When I got up to her, she scoffed. “About time. I was starting to wonder if I should have picked a different one of you useless maids to accompany me.”

“My apologies, my lady,” I said. “Is there something that you need?”

“I need for this stupid train to hurry up! Ugh.” I guess someone’s getting into character. “Be less boring, Rosie.”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom! “Would you like to talk about something, my lady?”

“Ugh, with you? No thanks. Just dance or something.”

Wow, what a complete bitch. She’s almost as bad as you are. Except, you know, for her it’s only an act.

“You’re not a very nice person,” Aqua said. “You should really work on that.”

Are you gonna work on your bitchiness? She didn’t reply, so I decided I should finally say something to Twilight. “I’m afraid I don’t know any dances, my lady.”

“Utterly worthless. Hm… That pole over there looks pretty sturdy. Why don’t you go practice on it?”

What, is she serious? “Um. My lady, normal… dancing poles spin. I believe trying would get me hurt.”

“Hmph. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never set hoof in one of those disgusting places, but I’m not surprised you know all about it. I’m sure your husband tells you everything about them.” I didn’t see any reason to reply to that, so I didn’t. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that you can get all the revenge you want while we’re on vacation. I certainly expect to have some fun.”

“I am happily married, my lady,” I softly replied.

“Well, you’re married, anyway. You can pretend to be happy all you want. We’ll see how long that lasts while you’re surrounded by griffins.”

I’m gonna go with not very long at all. “I’m sure my lord would be happy to hear about your trip when you return, my lady,” I replied.

“Well, he’s not gonna hear a word from either of us,” she said. “You are to keep quiet about everything you see, or I’ll tell your husband how you slept with every griffin you could find.”

“...I suppose there’s no harm in staying silent. If my lord does ask, I can always… stretch the truth a little.”

“I’m sure being lied to often teaches one a thing or two about the subject,” she said with a nasty smirk.

Congratulations, Aqua. You successfully taught Twilight how to be a meaniehead.

“I’m sure everything you’re seeing is something she learned from you,” Aqua replied. “All these behaviors you’re calling bitchy is something you would see from yourself, if you could only look in the mirror long enough to spot them.”

Oh yeah, because I just love forcefully implanting someone with something that can torture or kill them whenever I want.

“You said you were over that, so I refuse to let you hold it against me.”

I was lying.

She snorted. “Now who’s the bitch?”

I’m gonna go with the person who turned me into a host against my will.

“Liar.”

Sticks and stones… I was done dealing with her, so I did my best to ignore her bitchy rambling. Twilight really didn’t seem interested in talking anymore, so I started pony watching. There are always all kinds of interesting people in places like train stations, so it wasn’t hard to find some to watch and eavesdrop on.

About fifteen or so minutes before the train was scheduled to arrive, I felt something stroking my inner thigh. I jumped in surprise, which made Twilight glare at me. “What is it, Rosie? I swear to Celestia, if you just realized you forgot something of mine…”

“Something… touched me, my lady.” There wasn’t anything around me, so I assume it was her just fucking with me.

“Hmph. Your imagination is running wild. Who would ever want to touch you? Not even your husband is interested.” Wow. I wonder if there are nobles out there who actually act like this. She didn’t smile or anything, so for a moment, I caught myself thinking I had been imagining the touch. A few seconds later, though, something stroked my inner thigh again. Since I assumed it was just her, I squirmed a little and stayed silent.

The strokes only lasted a minute or two and they never got higher than my thigh, but they made me uncomfortably aroused anyway. I was really hoping she’d nudge the vibe again, but she didn’t touch it. I assumed she just wanted to tease me.

As she continued lightly molesting me, I went back to pony watching. A few trains had come and gone at that point, so the crowd was pretty thinned out. The next train was the one to Gryphus, and there apparently weren’t too many ponies interested in heading that way while they were all in heat.

Most of the travelers were well-dressed mares who were probably looking for some dirty lovin’. There was a single off-duty male guard who looked very nervous. It looked like a few griffins were returning home and they were all doing their best to ignore the ponies. There were two well-dressed male unicorns, one with an earth pony maid and the other by himself.

Why would you even have an earth pony as a maid if you’re a unicorn? You can do everything she could do five times faster.

“To rule over her, duh,” Aqua said. “Most stallions prefer being in charge, especially in charge of lovely mares. You’re the exception, not the rule. Not that, you know, you’re male anymore.”

The guy without a maid was holding a newspaper up with magic, reading it. I was paying enough attention to realize his eyes weren’t moving, though, so he was just pretending for some reason. The other guy was just minding his own business and it appeared that his maid was also pony watching. She smiled at me when she saw me looking and I smiled back, to be nice. Right as I did, I felt something stroke my thigh again and I squirmed a little more. She paid me no more mind and went right back to looking at others, so I did the same.

When the train finally showed up, I was starting to worry about leaving a small puddle on the floor. I wasn’t that aroused yet, but not for lack of trying. When the train doors opened, no one got off. After a few seconds of waiting, one of the porters called for boarding.

Twilight immediately bumped the vibrator up to medium and started walking. I followed right behind her, of course. The stallion with the newspaper ended up walking uncomfortably close behind me. Being uncomfortably close was the norm for pony world, so I ignored it and did my best to keep putting one hoof in front of the other while vibrating enough to make me whimper a little.

There weren’t too many of us boarding, so everyone got seated pretty quickly. There weren’t any private carts, so Twilight and I ended up sitting next to each other. I actually got the aisle seat, though she said it was so she wouldn’t have to smell any peasants walking past. Once we were seated, she turned the vibe off. Thankfully, it was a cloth seat, so all my juices seeped into it instead of smearing all over. The other ponies would still definitely smell it, which would be kinda awkward.

Though to be fair, I noticed the stallion with the newspaper was sniffing the air with a small grin, so I had a feeling they already noticed. I was really hoping they couldn’t tell where it was coming from, though.

“This ride better not take long,” Twiley stuffily said.

“I’m sure time will just fly, my lady,” I sweetly replied.

She sniffed at me, because she had being a bitch down to an art. “It certainly would if you could be less boring,” she replied.

Once everyone was situated, the train’s whistle finally blew. Right as that happened, something gently tugged on my clit, making me moan in pleasure before I could stop myself. The whistle was loud enough that no one heard me, thankfully. Before I could relax, I realized I just smacked Twilight in the face with one of my wings because they both shot up.

“Control yourself, Rosie!” she hissed, forcing my wing away from her. “What is wrong with you?”

“The… the whistle startled me, my lady,” I said.

She snorted. “Stupid timid pegasus. Keep your wings to yourself!”

“Of course, my lady. I’m sorry, my lady…” Maybe if you didn’t fucking molest me, this wouldn’t be a problem.

She muttered some, but finally shut up and started staring out the window. While she was doing that, something began stroking me again. This time, it was long, slow strokes up my thigh and to my lower lips. It felt uncomfortably good, so I started squirming in my seat. After a few of those strokes, she stopped and then just peeled my lips open with magic every so often, teasing me even more.

After maybe fifteen minutes of her just teasing me, she turned the vibrator on and I felt one of my hooves reach down to grab hers. The other was on the seat’s hoof-rest. It was everything I could do to keep my wings down.

“You’re squirming around quite a lot, Rosie,” she said. “The bathroom’s right there.”

“I… I don’t have to…”

She turned the vibe off, thankfully. I let her hoof go, but planted them both on the hoof-rests. After a few seconds of continued molestation and me squirming, the ambient sounds of the train went away and Twilight quietly said, “What’s wrong, Nav?”

“A… Are you k-kidding? You’ve been t-teasing me for half an hour straight!”

“I’ve had the vibrator off most of the time.”

“But your magic is still going! Ooh, I’m so close!”

“My magic, hm?”

“Twiley, please!”

She rolled her eyes. “Give me just one second.” She teleported out into the aisle and walked to the back of the cart, where the bathroom was. As soon as she stepped into it, the strokes got bolder and it felt like something actually entered me. I couldn’t stop myself from whimpering, though I tried to make it quiet. I’m sure everyone in the cart smelled me, but I didn’t want everyone to know for sure who it was.

Though I suppose that’s one of the best parts of being in disguise.

Twilight walked back out a minute later. Once she was back in the main car, the magic went back to being relatively normal. She came back up to our row and teleported into her seat again. Once she was sitting next to me, she took some paper and a pen out and wrote something, then folded it up. When that was done, the ambient noise died down again.

“So, you tired of getting teased?” she asked.

“Yes!”

She hoofed me the paper and said, “Give this to the stallion two seats behind us on the other side, the one with the newspaper. Then go to the bathroom and wait.”

“W-what?”

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to help such a cute little pegasus. So you’re gonna go suck him off while he gives you a magicjob. Then you’re gonna let him cum in your mane. That’s the only way you’re getting off until later tonight.”

“B-but—”

“Nav, are you gonna go suck this stallion off or not?”

“I mean… I guess. Is the whole trip gonna be like this?”

“Maybe,” she replied with a smirk. “Remember to smile and wink when you pass the note.” The sound barrier around us disappeared. This wasn’t the way I was expecting my day to go, but I had a feeling all kinds of weirdness would happen on the trip.

It didn’t take me long to build up the courage to stand up. After all, being in a new body meant I didn’t really have to worry about my image. Once I was finally ready, I slowly eased out of the chair and stood. There was a massive blush on my face and it felt like everyone on the cart was staring at me, but I powered through it.

I almost missed my first step when Twilight turned the vibrator on, though. She bumped it straight to high, so my tail actually hitched a little and I whimpered before I could control myself. No one said anything, though now several of them actually were staring at me. I got over it and continued to the stallion. He didn’t look up at me from his paper until I stopped next to him.

When I did and he looked over, I grinned and winked while holding up the note. He took it with a smile and opened it as I continued to the bathroom. There was still no one in it, so I stepped in and sighed in relief as the vibrator and his magic both stopped. This is so wrong, I thought as I closed the door behind me.

“Yes, it is,” Aqua said. “It’s honestly sad how little self-respect you have.”

On second thought, maybe I’ll enjoy this after all.

(“Sex is coming. Ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip)

The wait felt excruciating. At any moment, I thought a porter or something would try to make me come out. When the knock finally came, I jumped, but opened the door. Sure enough, the stallion was on the other side. He grinned and stepped in next to me. The bathroom was obviously meant for one pony and it was uncomfortably tight.

“I do like a mare who knows what she wants,” he said.

“Well, I’m craving a little something,” I said.

“I’ll be happy to give it to you.” He sat on the toilet and displayed himself. At the moment, he was still in his sheath. I leaned in and nuzzled his sack, then found myself inhaling. Oh my god, that musk is overpowering! My vag suddenly felt warm and a need built up inside of me. “What are you waiting for?”

That was enough of a push. I finally licked him and saw his stallionhood begin extending. I began suckling the tip as it did and his magic started caressing my wings. They both shot straight out, giving him better access. He knew what to look for and started pressing down on some of the more sensitive nodes.

Once he was finally hard, his hoof went to the back of my head and began pressing me down. I took the hint and started getting more into it. His hoof went to one of my ears as I began bobbing down. The scent as I got closer to the shaft was making me feel light-headed and before I could stop myself, one of my hooves reached between my back legs to rub my clit. I was winking like crazy.

“That’s a good mare,” he sighed. “That heat’s got you good. B-buck…”

I giggled and finally tried deepthroating. I couldn’t get quite to the base, but I got past his medial ring. He sighed in appreciation and his magic moved from my wings to between my legs. I pulled my hoof away from it and used both of them to open his legs wider so I could move in closer. That let me get slightly deeper.

“Mm, you’re pretty good at this, hun. If you’re ever in need of a job, I have a few uh… positions you can fill. I’m sure my wife won’t mind.”

I finally pulled back with a pop and sweetly said, “It might annoy my husband a little.” He blinked and I just winked at him, then sucked the tip of his dick especially hard while keeping eye contact. He finally moaned and put his hoof back on my head.

“Ooh, it’s been so long since anypony did this for me…”

His magic between my legs was finally enough for me and I moaned around his dick as I came. Twilight hadn’t given me any panties, so it leaked out all over my tail and dress. Great, now everyone’s definitely gonna know where it’s coming from.

Before I had a chance to recover, he used magic to pull my pigtails, forcing me deeper onto his dick. I somehow choked it down and he grunted. Just like that, the first strand of cum shot down my throat.

Twilight gave me an order, so I pulled back, sucking as I went, and let the second strand land in my mane. The next hit my forehead and smeared down my nose. The last also thankfully landed in my mane. “Hm, I needed that,” he panted. I leaned in and licked the tip of his dick, trying to get all that I had missed. Since his appetite was mostly fruit, vegetables, and grains, it actually didn’t taste half bad. “Looks like you did, too. Tell you what, if you wanna have fun this trip, you ditch that lady of yours and stay with me. I’m only here for business, but you would make that much better…”

I chuckled and said, “Thanks for the offer, but I could never leave my lady!”

He shrugged and said. “Suit yourself. Thanks for the good time. And uh, you might wanna clean up a little before going out.” With that, he pushed me back with magic so he could stand up and left.

There’s not gonna be much I can do about the smell, but… I grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser and did my best to wipe off my face. The ones in my hair would blend in, but that would stick out. Everyone would still know what I had done, but at least they wouldn’t be able to see it.

When I got out into the hall, a burst of wind hit me and I suddenly felt my very cold and wet tail and dress pressing against my backside. Never mind, they’re definitely gonna see it.

As I walked down the aisle back to my seat, I realized that the idea actually excited me a little. Aqua snorted in derision.

(“Sex is over”)

I finally sat back down in my seat with a disgusting-feeling squelch. Man, maybe I really am a slut.

“About time,” Twilight replied. “Ugh, you are just the worst maid ever!”

“I apologize, my lady,” I softly replied.

She sniffed. “And now you stink. Well, more than usual. And what’s that white goop in your hair?” That last question was loud enough that several rows could hear her, of course. A number of conversations stopped as I tried to come up with a response.

“Hair gel,” I finally said.

“I knew you had to be doing something to it!” I didn’t see a need to reply to that, so I shut up. Finally, another bubble appeared around us and she said, “So you actually let him cum in your mane?”

“Yeah. And he actually let me cum, too.”

“I know. I smelled it as soon as you opened the door. Every stallion in this car is watching you with lustful gazes, you little slut.”

“Good. I’m still hungry.”

She grinned and said, “Good girl. I’m sure you’ll get a snack of some kind once we get there. Until then, settle down. I don’t want the porters looking at us.”

“Of course, mistress.” She gave my hoof a quick squeeze before letting the field drop.

The rest of the ride to Gryphus was fairly standard, though Twilight made sure to keep my mare parts at a low simmer. Something in me had awoken and I was finally feeling the pheromones. Who needs to be clear headed, anyway? That’s what vacations are for, right?

“As often as you talk about hating being female and not being interested in stallions, you sure do enjoy looking attractive to them and sleeping with them,” Aqua said.

I’m not interested in a relationship with a stallion, but I’d let one fuck me.

“Hm. Is that because you’re afraid of intimacy or because you’re afraid if you ever become male again, you’ll have to admit to being bi?”

I’m not going to answer that.

“That’s okay, I already know the answer. I just like making you confront it.”

I hate you.

“For now,” she replied with a giggle.

The train finally started slowing down. Thankfully, I was mostly dried off at that point. I’m sure the smell still lingered, but it was no longer completely obvious where it was coming from.

We didn’t have any issues getting off the train, though it felt like a few of the stallions were jockeying for position behind me. I don’t know if they wanted a view or if they wanted to smell me. It didn’t really matter, either way, since I just ignored them. I could get all the pony cock I wanted, but griffin dicks were in short supply.

Once we were off the train and had obtained our luggage, we found ourselves staring at the entrance of a whole new city. “So how well do you know your way around?” Twilight asked me.

“I know a few locations of interest, my lady. I’m afraid my last few times here weren’t spent exploring, though.”

“Hm. We’ll see about getting a map later. For now, let’s get to our inn. Having to put up with you all day has been exhausting.”

“...I’m sorry, my lady.” Yeah, sorry that you’re such a bitch.

“I’m sure she learned it from watching you,” Aqua said.

I’m gonna ask her when we get to the inn. She snorted at me.

Thankfully, Twilight knew my limits and didn’t try to force me to carry the luggage. I could have managed one or two of the bags, but there’s no way I could have gotten everything. Her magic made ferrying it very easy. It trailed along behind us as we started walking through the city.

There was a well-trod path through the icy streets, meaning our footing wasn’t terrible. That was almost too bad, because the gazes we were getting from griffins made me want to show off every piece of me that I could. Falling on my face meant I could expose myself as an ‘accident’.

“These griffins look hungry,” I quietly said to Twilight.

“Good,” she replied. “I’m looking forward to them sating that hunger.”

“M...my lady?”

“Mmm, this vacation is gonna be fun, Rosie. You know, you could stand to let your mane down a little, too. Your hubby wouldn’t have to know!”

“I…”

“Well, let me put it this way. If my husband finds out about what happens here, your husband will find out about your rendezvous on the train.”

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about, my lady…”

“Oh, please. I know the look of a used up whore when I see one. And that smell!” She giggled. “I do hope you’re on your best behavior, Rosie. I’d hate to have to tell your hubby you betrayed him!”

I bit my lip and looked away. “Of course I’ll be on my best behavior, my lady.”

“And you’ll follow every order I give?”

“...Yes.”

“Good.” She left it at that and we continued in silence. A part of me was wondering if blackmail was a common part of ruling over servants. I kinda doubted it, but I was willing to keep an open mind. After all, threats seemed to be working very well for my new owner.

She pat me on the head again for that. It felt disgusting.

Before we could get to the hotel, three male griffins landed in front of us. The largest was almost twice our size. He grinned at Twilight. “Well well well, what brings two cute little mares like you to Gryphus?”

“We’re here for the festival,” Twilight replied with a smirk. “Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll find some time to celebrate with you three.”

His two friends started circling around behind us, also wearing smirks. The large one said, “I think we could show you a good time, pony.”

The one circling behind me suddenly stepped forward and wrapped one of his arms around my neck. The talon on that arm went down my dress. The other arm reached up to my mouth as I tried to cry out. His talons went into my mouth, for some reason. “This one smells like she’s already had some fun,” he said, taking a large whiff. “It’s just about makin’ me feel the heat early!”

“Hm, what do you think about that, Rosie?” Twilight asked. “A sexy hunk of a griffin like that going into rut just for you, rutting you like an animal. Say, isn’t your heat cycle starting, too?” The only way I could really respond to that was by eagerly sucking on his fingers. Twilight giggled at my response. “What would your husband think, you dirty little slut?”

“He’d never have to know,” the one holding me said. “All kinds of rich, snooty Canterlot mares come here to get what their wimpy pony husbands can’t provide.”

“And we’re happy to give it to them all,” the largest one said, stepping forward to place a talon on Twilight’s cheek. “What do you have to say to that, hm?”

She leaned into his hand and sighed in delight. “Like a dream come true. When can we start?”

He grinned and stepped back. “You little ponies are insatiable. But unfortunately for you, today is a day of chastity for us. We’ll all want to be at our best tomorrow, after all.” He nodded at me and the guy finally let me go and backed away. “If you’re lucky, we’ll see you tomorrow. I love reminding you little sluts that you belong under us.”

“I’ll be looking for you,” Twiley said. He laughed before taking off. The one closer to her slapped her ass before joining him. The one closer to me tousled my mane before leaving. “Griffins sure are friendly, huh?”

“A little too hoofsy, though…”

“You know you liked it, don’t even pretend. Now pick up the pace, missy. I’m tired of being in this slush!”

“Yes, my lady.” We once more continued on the path. The inn wasn’t too much farther, so we got there quickly. Conveniently, it was right around when night was falling, so we wouldn’t really be going out any more.

The place she picked was fairly nice. There were three stories. When we got in, I discovered that the bottom floor was a common area where they served food and drinks. At the moment, it was mostly full of griffins, with a few ponies, two minotaurs, and a single dog. As Twilight was talking to the innkeeper, I learned that the other two floors were dedicated to rooms and we were staying on the top one.

When we were finally situated in our room, I sighed in relief and fell onto the only bed. “Man, where did you learn to be such a bitch?”

“Mostly Aqua,” she said. Score one for me! Aqua huffed. “Also partially Celestia and a few other Canterlot nobles I know.”

“Are any of them actually as mean as you are to servants?”

“Only one of them. To be fair, the maid and her husband both enjoy it. Apparently he has a thing for… what was it?”

“Cuckolding.”

“Right, that. I’ve gotten a few fan letters from her, giving me tips and suggestions.”

“Well, to each his and/or her own. Now, you wanna take a bath together?”

She chuckled and snuck up behind me to sniff at my tail. “Hm… No. You aren’t going to take a shower until after we go eat in the common area. Every patron here is gonna know exactly what kind of mare you are when we’re done. I’m sure they’ll enjoy passing you around like a toy.”

“I’ll probably enjoy it, too. Hey, think any of them would be interested in morning blowjobs? After a long day of chastity…”

“I think that’s a delightful idea, Miss Rose Charm. I think I’ll offer.” She giggled again and said, “One of her suggestions was making her maid suck stallions off and then storing it in a dog bowl for her husband. How does that sound, hm?”

“Disgusting. It would be cold and slimy. And griffin spunk probably tastes bad, since they have a mostly meat diet.”

She shrugged. “It’s a thought. Oh, did I give you panties before we left?”

“No.”

“Shoot. Hm, I suppose that’ll work…” She walked over to one of the bags and rummaged around in it before pulling out a thong. “No, not enough fabric.” It got shoved back in and she pulled out a standard pair of white cotton panties. “Perfect.” They slid up her legs with a snap and she walked over the bed. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to sit on your face while wearing these.”

“‘Kay.” I flipped over onto my back for her and she gently plopped down on my face.

Once she was finished, she sighed in relief and slid off me. “There, now I’ll smell the same. What do you think, should I put on a dress or go just like this?”

“With just the wet panties and a little bit of drool and marecum seeping down your leg?”

“Yeah, which do you think?”

“Just the panties, definitely.”

She smirked. “I had a feeling you would say that. Wanna help me pick out a dress?”

“I have a proposition.”

One of her eyebrows lifted. “Oh?”

“I’ll let two dogs fuck me at the same time if you go down there wearing just those panties.”

“...Three.”

“Only if you’ll be prepared to teleport me out in case something goes wrong.”

She bit her lower lip and looked away for a moment. Finally she sighed and nodded. “Deal, on one condition. If we don’t find any diamond dogs while we’re here, you still have to do it. In your normal body. And they can’t be changelings.”

“...Alright. I’m sure there are at least three dogs here.”

“But most wouldn’t agree to share a mare, though. I think this is gonna be fun, Navi. Now, are you ready to go downstairs?”

“Yep. Be careful around mead, though.”

“I know. I got the whole spiel from Gilda earlier.”

“...Gilda?”

“Yeah, she was worried that we might get hurt, so she warned me about what to expect and what to look out for.”

“Huh. That’s actually… kind of her.” And definitely unexpected.

“Well, it was on the condition that I give you to her for a few hours when she gets to Gryphus.”

“Back up.”

“No backing up where you’re going, Navi,” she said with a giggle. “Now let’s go get dinner, shall we? We still have a long night ahead of us…”

Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure about things. If Gilda got her talons on me, there’s no telling what kind of sadistic things she would do. I’m sure it wouldn’t be anything too bad, but who knows what’s too bad to a griffin.

At the moment, though, my tummy was kinda rumbling. I followed my lady down the stairs, smirking to myself at her open display. I can’t believe Twilight is actually doing this. I don’t know if it’s hot or just hilarious.

“You’re a bad influence on her,” Aqua sighed.

Says the one who mostly taught her how to be a bitch.

“She may have learned from me, but she’s only putting on the show for you.”

You say that like she isn’t also enjoying it. Does it matter how she’s acting as long as she’s having fun?

“Yes.”

See, this is why you have no friends. Well, except for those you forcibly brainwash.

She had nothing to say to that.

No one really paid us much mind when we got downstairs. It wasn’t until Twilight and I walked right past their tables that they started looking up at us. The main thing they were staring at was Twilight’s very obviously wet and freshly used maregina that they could see clearly through the wet panties. Frankly, it was extremely clear what she had just been through.

We sat by the fire. I assume it was because she wanted the heat to carry our smell through the room, though it also felt good after all the cold. Shortly after we sat, a fairly plump griffin waitress came up and took our orders. Apparently the only options were two stews, one vegetarian and one with meat. We both got the stew for ponies and a flagon of mead, because we figured we’d test our tolerances.

Since everything was already prepared, they served it up quickly. While we were eating, our smell finally began permeating the room and most of the males started staring at us. That’s when I realized that most of their clientele was male. Their gazes were alternating between me and Twilight, though more of them were reserved for her since she was wearing so little. I honestly don’t know how she kept a blush off her face, but it was kinda impressive.

No one bothered us while we were down there, which honestly kinda shocked me. We were blatantly being ogled, but no one said a thing. On the way back up and out, Twilight kept her tail hitched the whole way and used magic to lift mine up as well, which left me completely exposed and also made me feel kinda sticky.

Once we were safely locked away, she let my tail drop and sighed. “I can’t believe I just did that…”

“I can’t believe you didn’t blush. Way to go, slut.”

“Yeah, yeah…” She lifted me with magic and began disrobing me. “Are you ready to test the salve?”

“I mean… I kinda don’t want to. But yeah, I guess.”

“If you don’t like it, I won’t ask again. I just promised Kat that we’d try it.” I rolled my eyes. “She said it meant a lot to Spider.” I snorted. “Too bad, you’re doing it anyway.” Her magic set me down on the bed and the salve appeared next to her with a quiet pop. She uncorked it and pulled about half of it out with magic.

“Are you sure that’s not too much?” I asked.

“This was the recommended dose. They might try to make it more potent later. Until then…” It magicked itself up my cooch. The stuff felt cold and slimy at first. “It’s supposed to take about five minutes to kick in fully. I’m gonna go wash up for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Alrighty. I guess I’ll just wait here.” She grinned and walked into the bathroom.

About two minutes after she applied it, I started feeling a tingling in my nethers. A minute later, the warmth from my heat started picking up. At the five minute mark, it was close to an inferno and every little breeze made me shiver. Twitching my legs actually made me moan.

This stuff is way too powerful, oh my god!

Twilight didn’t make me wait too much past five minutes. She sauntered back into the room with a large strapon bouncing around under her.

(Lewdness incoming. Ctrl+f “I am afraid of adult things” to skip)

“So what do you think?” she asked when she got closer.

“T-too strong!”

“Hm, really?” She leaned in and blew on my vag, instantly making me wet. “Oh wow. I might have to skip the strapon. Let’s just do this instead…” A small bullet vibrator slipped inside of me. I actually came just from that, squirting all over the bed. “Wow. That stuff is good.”

She didn’t give me a chance to come down from it and turned the vibe on max. I immediately screamed in pleasure as my orgasm shot up to new levels. Before I could keep making noise, some of her magic covered my mouth. I barely noticed a purple hue covering the walls for a moment before the magic around my mouth disappeared.

“Now we’re soundproofed,” she said. “Feel free to make all the noise you need, Navi.”

“T-t-too m-much!”

“Hm… The safeword is… Let’s go with torch.” I whimpered. “So, do you remember that night when I walked in on you and Luna and then you invited me?” I moaned. “Well, I do. And I remember you turning me into a mess. A part of me wanted it to stop, but I was only listening to the part of me that loved it. Now that you’re in heat yourself, I think you know what it’s like. So what do you say to that, hm?” After a few seconds of contemplations, I lifted my tail. “Hm, that’s a good little filly.”

She used magic to flip me over on my back, I guess so she could get a better look at my face. Once I was in place, she hopped on top of me and started kissing my neck. I honestly didn’t feel it, since my mind was entirely focused on the wonderful vibrations in my incredibly sensitive horsegina.

She got down to my furry chest before pulling away and grinning. “How do you feel?”

“S-so hot,” I whispered.

“Sounds like estrus, all right” she said. “You’re in for a wild ride, Nav. The first heat’s always the worst.” I moaned. “That’s alright, though. What your body is craving is a big, strong stallion fucking you like the little harlot you are. Unfortunately for your body, all you have available is a bunch of big, strong griffins instead. Well, them and me.” She finally swooped in and kissed me. I was in no position to fight it and let her, of course. When she pulled away, it was with a grin. “Now, what were you saying about hating being a woman?”

“Wha—AH!” She spun me back over onto my stomach, then yanked my tail with magic.

“In fact, I have quite a list of things to talk about…” She pulled my ass closer to her with magic and I felt the tip of the strapon spread my wet lips open, making me gasp in pleasure. She somehow grabbed my mane with one of her hooves and pulled my head back so she could whisper in my ear. “Maybe we should start with who your real owner is, hm?”

I don’t think she was expecting me to start laughing. Between her, Discord, Aqua, Celestia, and who knows who else, I was kinda starting to lose track. “G-get in line!”

“Mmm… Wrong answer.” I was expecting her to suddenly thrust, but she eased in, sliding past the vibrator and making my entire body tingle. “Hm, how’s that feel?”

“G-good…”

“You want more?” I meekly nodded and grunted. “Then tell me who your owner is.”

“Y-you, of c-course.”

She slowly eased out, making me moan again. The toy pulled all the way out and she stopped, making me whimper and twitch. “Say it.”

Fucking drama queen, Jesus. “Y-you’re my owner, m-mistress!”

“That’s a good little pet,” she said, lining the toy back up. “And what do good little pets get?”

“T-treats?”

“Sounds about right,” she said with a giggle. “So beg for it.”

“Please give your little slutty pet a treat, mistress.”

She did. It was great.

(“I am afraid of adult things”)

The next morning was not a fun one for a lot of reasons. The first is that the entire city erupted with noise at eight in the fucking morning, as every single bell began ringing at the same time for no apparent reason. We found out later that the bells ringing ended the day of chastity and began the festivities. At the time, all they did was wake both of us up and leave us feeling dazed, confused, and sticky.

The second was because I was very forcibly reminded of the fact that I hadn’t had to use the bathroom for so long that I honestly forgot how it felt. Being part tree meant all of that was kinda just being taken care of. I wasn’t expecting to ever feel the need to pee again.

Which brings me to the third reason it was a terrible morning. “...My vagina is numb,” I said when I got out of the bathroom. Spider, I swear to god, if you ruined my vagina, I am throwing you off that cliff for good this time.

“What do you mean, numb?” Twilight asked.

“As in, I can’t feel it. At all.”

She grabbed me with magic and pulled me closer. I really didn’t like that she was gazing directly into my cooter, but it was kinda a moot point. “And you can’t feel this?”

“Are you doing something?”

“I’m rubbing your clit, Nav.”

“Then yeah, I can’t feel it. I still feel super horny, though.”

“...Oh, okay. Right, that’s right. Nightshade mentioned one possible side effect is temporary numbness.”

“...Temporary?”

“Yes, temporary.”

“And you didn’t think that warranted mentioning?”

She flew me over to the bed and gently set me down. “I was worried you might say no.”

“...Twilight.” Her ears twitched and she looked away. “Are you being for cereal right now?”

“I… I don’t… What does that mean?”

“Is the room still soundproofed?” Her head tilted slightly and she nodded. “Good.” I grabbed the closest thing I could find and pelted it at her. Luckily for her, it was a pillow. It bounced off her cute little confused face. “YOU TESTED A FUCKING POISON ON MY VAGINA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DIRTY SKANK?!”

“Alright, that’s fair, but—” I threw the next closest thing I had at her, which happened to be another pillow. It also bounced off her face.

“YOU DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME ALL THE SIDE EFFECTS!”

“Well, yes, but you didn’t really ask. And yo—” I was out of soft things to throw and found a shoe, which she deflected with magic.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMN MIND? THIS SHIT COULD BE FUCKING PERMANENT, FOR ALL WE KNOW!”

“Actually, we do know,” she said. “Nightshade tested it herself, first.”

“Oh, well that makes it better.”

“...Really?” I found another pillow that also bounced off her face quite nicely.

“NO!”

“Oh…” she sighed, hanging her head.

“We have no fucking clue what else this bullshit could do! Right now I’m only temporarily numb, but two months down the line, I might lose feeling entirely! There’s no telling with poisons and nerves!”

“Well, there is some telling,” she said, rubbing at her neck. “Nightshade’s pretty good with poisons…”

“Shut it.” She sighed again. “Keep your weird poisons away from my vagina. I’m done with that shit. Been there, done that, got the postcard, moving on. Capiche?”

“I… don’t know what that means, either…”

“It means let's go get fucking breakfast. Well, I’m gonna be getting breakfast. You’re going to be sucking the cock of whoever I tell you to.”

“Um. ‘Kay.”

“Good, then shall we?”

“I mean… I kinda wanted to take a shower first, maybe.”

That’s when I realized that we were both complete messes. Well, she was, anyway. I’m always a mess. “Our showers are gonna overlap,” I said. “I’m still getting the hang of these stupid hooves.”

“Alright. Look, Nav… I’m sorry for the poison. It’s just… We all want Spider to find something he can do. I know how you are about him, so I knew you would be wary of it, but there really aren’t any bad side effects. The numbness is the worst of it, and it only lasts a few hours.”

“I’m over it. Shower time.” I hopped off the bed and began walking to the bathroom. “Coming?” She followed, of course.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t leave well enough alone. “As I’m sure you’ve noticed, your moods will be shifting quite a lot more than usual.”

“I hadn’t noticed, actually. I feel pretty level-headed right now, honestly.”

“Uh huh. Well, that’s perfectly normal for a mare in heat, so if you do notice anything, try to remember what’s really causing it.”

“What, you mean my biological clock?”

“Yes. You’re not actually angry at me, you’re angry because you don’t have a foal in your tummy.”

“...No, I’m kinda angry at you.”

She sighed and hung her head. “Shoot, I was hoping that would work.”

“Seeing your face covered in griffin spunk will make me forgive you, though. So let’s hurry up with the shower and get downstairs, shall we?” She sighed and we finally got down to bathing.

“Honestly, it would serve you right if it was permanent,” Aqua said while we were in the shower. “Maybe then you could spend less time focusing on filling it and more time on doing good in the world.”

Says the one who turned me into a mind slave. When’s the last time you volunteered at a soup kitchen, huh?

“A few of us have tried to make ourselves useful around Canterlot. Our efforts have been rebuffed. Apparently there’s not that much of a need for our services in the world of magic and plenty.”

Must be nice to have the ability to turn you down.

“Believe me, if I had any other option, I would have taken it. Before, I looked at you and just felt sad. But at this point, I’m honestly starting to enjoy your suffering.”

Just what I wanna hear from the person who can cause me untold suffering at the drop of a hat.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I would much prefer seeing you happy, but you’re such a bitch that seeing you miserable makes me feel good about myself. I guess it’s just the little things.”

You body snatching whore.

“I suppose this is the part where you expect me to match your juvenile insults.”

You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Honestly, hating you is a nice change of pace from hating myself, so at least there’s that.

“Like I said, it’s the little things. Don’t worry, Nav. With me by your side, you’ll finally learn to love yourself again.”

And all it cost me was my bodily autonomy.

“You should be grateful, Nav. I’m lowering myself to put up with you.”

I’m really gonna enjoy the part where you get your comeuppance.

“It’s cute that you still think I’m the bad guy.”

I decided I was done with her bullshit for the moment, so I started ignoring her. She didn’t appreciate that, but I’m the narrator and I decide when we’re done, not her. She can’t take that from me, at least.

She just informed me that yes, she could take it away, but she chooses not to because she’s nice. She also wanted to remind me that she was still the good one, not the obviously evil one.

I hate her.

Once Twilight and I were physically clean, she used magic to dry me off and tossed another maid outfit in front of me. “Pick an outfit for me and let’s get this show on the road,” she said with a grin.

“...I’m picking your outfit?” I asked.

“Yep! The caveat there is that it has to be an outfit, not just panties.”

“Oh. Then just whatever, I guess.”

“...Just whatever, you guess?”

“Yeah.”

She plopped her ass down on the floor. “Do you think I’m attractive, Nav?”

God dammit, here we go. “Yes.”

“What about me do you find attractive?”

“You looking for anything in particular or do you just want me to go down the list?”

She blinked and blushed. “We’ll… talk about that list later. For now, just the most prominent physical characteristic.”

I think I see where this is going. “I really like your shade of purple.”

She sighed. “Ugh.” Nailed it. “Try again.”

“Your wonderfully spankable ass. And this is the part where you tell me to pick an outfit for you that shows that aspect off, right?”

“Right. I’m not here to show off for them, Nav. I’m here to show off for you. I want to look cute for you.”

“That’s fucking adorable.”

“Thanks, I practiced that one in the mirror. So pick an outfit that shows off my wonderfully spankable ass, Nav.”

I let the silence linger in the air for a few seconds before nodding. “I’m gonna need a recording of you saying ‘wonderfully spankable ass’. I’ll play it whenever Watcher starts getting uppity.”

“Deal. Now stop stalling.” I sighed and let her drag me over to her showroom of horrors.

In the end, I decided on something as close to a Catholic schoolgirl as I could get. The only thing that stopped it from being full on fetishistic was the fact that apparently schoolgirl outfits aren’t a thing in Equestria.

“I think I like this look,” she said once we were both dressed. “I mean, I don’t think I would ever wear this in public unless I was disguised, but I think I like this look.”

“Why wouldn’t you wear that in your own skin?” I asked.

“W-what, are you kidding?”

“No. What’s stopping you?”

“I mean…” She looked herself over again before turning her nervous gaze back onto me. “Just look at me!”

“Say it with me, Twilight: I have a wonderfully spankable ass.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’ll get your recording.”

“Alls I’m sayin’ is that you’re a strong, independent purple mare who don’t need no stallion. Dress however you want. I guarantee mouths will drop.”

“Yeah, but… you don’t ever dress like a slut!”

That one stopped me. “Um. Yeah I do.”

“What? When?!”

“Only all the times I wear super short skirts and no panties and then ‘accidentally’,” I made sure to add finger quotes, though using my hooves for it was kinda awkward, “flash my vag to all the cute little bat ponies. Which, when we’re on the ship, is just about always. Now that we’re in Canterlot, it isn’t as common, but it’s definitely happened.”

I swear to god, it looked like there was something that said ‘calculating’ in her eyes. Finally, she blinked. “Is that slutty for a human?”

“Twilight, we always wear clothes. Showing off even the slightest bit of my vag is extremely slutty.”

“Oh.” A few more seconds passed and she blushed. “Oh! That… explains a lot! Huh. Wow. So that’s why Applejack was being sarcastic…”

“Do I even want to know?”

“...No, probably not.”

“Wanna go on a date in Canterlot where we’re both dressed like sluts?”

“We’ll talk. But for now, let’s go get breakfast. We’ll settle the matter of your cutie mark after that.”

“Ugh, finally.”

“Shush, Rosie,” Miss Ivory said. “Now open the door for your lady!” I curtsied and rushed to obey. She walked past me and slapped me with her tail on the way out. “Do it faster next time. Ugh, you’re so worthless.”

“I apologize, my lady,” I said, pulling the door shut behind me.

I gotta say, seeing her from behind in that outfit made me understand why she wanted me to pick it out myself. We were both smiling when we got down to the common room for breakfast.

All things told, it was an alright start to a pretty alright vacation.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy—City Tour

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy—City Tour

It wasn’t too late when we got to the ground floor, but it was already mostly deserted. Apparently, not many people were interested in sitting around when they could be out enjoying the festival. There was still a fairly large and gruff looking griffin that I pointed out to Twilight. She quietly groaned before plastering a smile on her face and walking over to him. A few seconds later, he grabbed her, threw her over his back, and carried her back upstairs.

While she got her succ on, I picked one of the many empty tables and sat. The only one serving was the innkeeper, who was a surprisingly portly female griffin. She walked over to my table and eyed the stairs. “Looks like your lady’s starting early, huh?”

“She is here to have fun,” I replied. “Far be it for a lowly servant like me to question her…”

“Uh huh. You know, looking at you two, it feels like there just might be a little something more going on…”

“...Is it really that obvious?”

“I’ve seen all sorts, little lassie. And if you’re really a servant, I’m a changeling.”

Damn, I can’t believe I already got called out. “Well, I’d appreciate you keeping any of your suspicions to yourself.”

“No worries there, little lass. Your… lady paid extra for privacy and no questions. But of course, that doesn’t stop me from being curious…”

“Well, here’s a hint: We’re both ladies and we’re both in disguise.”

“Hm, must be nice. I take it you’re both here to get bucked silly?”

“You got it.”

She smirked. “I’m sure your husbands are worried sick.”

“I’m sure they would be, if they existed.” I am apparently really bad at keeping secrets.

“Oh ho, so it’s like that! Well, that sates my curiosity for now. What can I getcha?”

“Breakfast, if you don’t mind. And maybe some tea, if you have any.”

“Right away, dearie.”

She waddled off to do my bidding and I turned my thoughts inward. So how can I act like a better servant, I wonder?

“You should work on your bitchy attitude,” Aqua said. “And maybe your haughtiness and general arrogance. You could also work on the way you walk and your tone. I’m sure if you try hard enough, you can actually make your voice sound cute instead of dead. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much of a truly unpleasant person you are. No wonder Twilight pities you so much.”

...I thought you said you prefered me happy.

“Oh, was that out loud? Oops.” She didn’t sound very remorseful. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m sure some of your friends care about you. I certainly can’t imagine why, but I’m sure one or two might be masochistic enough.”

Lying really doesn’t suit you.

“What ever do you mean, Navi? I’m only saying what you think deep down, aren’t I?”

Why can’t you just kill me?

“Why won’t you just admit how ludicrous your thoughts are, Nav? You know what I’m talking about. You are very well loved. It’s time to stop pretending that isn’t true.”

You can’t tell me what to do, you're not my real dom!

“I can change that very quickly. I see how well you respond to Moonbeam’s treatments. It seems that positive reinforcement might be the way to go.”

Yeah, but you’re not a rapist and I won’t consent.

“Oh, we shall see. Your heat will truly kick in soon. I’ve seen from Twilight how they can affect mares. You’ll be begging for it before the week is out, trust me.”

Fuck you.

“And I’m sure even you must admit that your tastes have been getting more and more dangerous. If you submit to my rule alone, I assure you that you’ll be safe and always satisfied, for I will know exactly what you want and when.”

You almost sound eager. Are you in that much of a hurry to have sex with me? Slut.

“I’m just in a hurry to put you in your place. As it so happens, I’ve decided I like seeing you on your knees.”

Wow, so you aren’t even pretending anymore, are you? Props for admitting to being evil.

“Well, this certainly isn’t a good move, Nav. It’s a necessary move. I’m sure in the long run, we’ll all come to agree that it was also the right move.”

Why don’t you propose that sex slave thing to Celestia, see what she thinks? You know she likes being ordered around.

“She tried to pretend she wasn’t interested, but I could see the truth. I haven’t done anything yet, but if she continues giving me trouble, she will be punished.”

So, what, you’re gonna rape me if I misbehave?

“Oh, absolutely not. You don’t actually want it at the moment, so I would never force it. But I believe you could learn to enjoy it. If you’re ever up to try it, I would be delighted to.”

Yeah, so fuck off.

“You’re so cute when you’re annoyed,” she said, simulating pinching my cheek.

Thankfully, she shut up and left me alone. That bitch was starting to give me migraines. She was also healing said migraines, because they weren’t consequences of any of my actions.

Shortly after I got tired of waiting, the old griffin matron finally brought me breakfast. It was… not what I was expecting. One of the plates on the platter contained three doughnuts. One was covered in maple syrup, one was covered in light honey, and one was covered in baked apples. Another plate had two berry scones. A third had a massive cinnamon roll. A large mug of tea took up another portion of the platter

“Here you are, dearie,” she said, placing the whole platter on the table. “One standard pony breakfast!”

Holy shit. “This looks amazing!” I replied. But probably way too much.

“Only the best for a lovely little lady,” she said with a wink. “Call me over if you need anything else!” She waddled off, sweetly whistling some tune.

“So you can be nice once in a while!” Aqua said. “I was genuinely starting to wonder.”

You can fuck right up out my face with that weak-ass shit, fam.

“I’m going to start singing a really annoying song until you say that the right way.”

God dammit, I hate you so much. She inhaled, so I rolled my eyes. Please leave me alone and let me eat my breakfast in peace.

“Since you asked so nicely,” she said, patting me on the head.

Everything on that platter was dank. I don’t know how I was able to finish it, but I did so with no problem. There was no way I could have done it if I was still a human, but whatevs.

Not too long after I finished, the griffin Twilight ‘picked’ walked back down the steps, a big grin on his face. All of our food was going on our tab, so I just left the plates there and went back up to our room. Twilight was lying on the bed with her back legs sticking off the side. I could see cum dripping down her tail. She didn’t look up when I entered, so I closed the door and walked over.

“So how you feelin’?” I asked. She moaned. “You know, I seem to recall telling you to suck him off, not let him fuck you.”

“He was… insistent,” she sighed, sounding delighted.

“And I bet you gave in easily. Slut.”

“Mhm. Ooh, and it was worth it!”

“Well, get cleaned up again so we can go explore the town.”

“I have a better idea…” She grabbed me with magic and floated me over. “Your lady needs your assistance, Rosie.” Her tail lifted out of the way. “Clean me up.”

Ugh, ew. “As you command, my lady.”

As it turns out, it wasn’t too gross, but it also wasn’t really the best. I didn’t really care for it, but Twilight really got into it and sent all kinds of naughty insults my way.

Once we were done with that, she took an actual shower and then got dressed back up in her slutty outfit. “Now we need to deal with your cutie mark situation,” Twilight said. “After some study, I haven’t found any ways to give you a permanent one.”

“Celestia and Luna just branded one into me. It sucked.”

“That’s… awful. I’m sorry they made you go through that. The spell I found is a fairly straightforward one, at least. It basically gives you a tattoo.”

“That sounds super simple. Why the fuck didn’t Luna or Celestia just do that?”

She shrugged. “Maybe they just wanted you to suffer?”

“Yeah, I could see that. So what’s my ass tattoo gonna be?”

“We’ll keep it simple for now. A rose will do.” She walked over and shoved her horn up my skirt and placed it against my flank. “This might sting, but it shouldn’t hurt long.” It was honestly more of an itching sensation than a stinging one, but it was gone by the time her horn moved to the other side. That itching feeling lasted a little bit longer, but was gone by the time she was standing back in front of me. “How do you feel?”

“Just fine. So what happens if I get an actual cutie mark?”

She shrugged. “I dunno. It’ll be interesting. If you do get a cutie mark in getting dominated by a bunch of big, strong griffins, we’ll definitely come back next year.” It’ll make turning into a pony later kinda awkward. I’m not looking forward to explaining to Taya how her mommy’s special talent is getting fucked. Though, to be fair, she probably already knows. “So, I’m thinking we should focus on exploring for now,” Twilight continued. “Once we find out where things are, we can start looking to have a good time.”

“Makes sense to me. Shall we?”

“One more thing.” She reached over and poked me with her horn. After a few seconds, she nodded. “If we get seperated and you can’t find your way back or if you feel like you’re in danger, say the word wildfire and you’ll reappear right where you’re standing now. It’s a one-use spell that’ll have to be recast if you ever use it, though.”

“That spell would have been really valuable in the past.”

“Well, I didn’t know it in the past. Now let’s head out.” She started trotting to the door with a grin.

As we walked the streets, we got ogled at by dozens of grinning male and female griffins. We just let them smirk and stare for the moment. That said, Twilight did use magic to pull my tail up for a several of the male griffins we passed.

It didn’t take us too long to find a general store, where Twilight was able to see a working electric light bulb for the first time. As soon as we stepped into the building, her eyes jumped straight to the ceiling. “That doesn’t feel right,” she said before she realized it.

“What, the light?” I asked.

“...Yeah. It doesn’t feel magical at all.”

“It’s not,” the shopkeeper said. “Not too many unicorns notice it.”

“I’m more sensitive than most,” Twilight said, continuing to walk in. “If it’s not magic, what is it?”

“Electricity,” the fellow said with a grin. “It’s one of the things Princess Gilda’s been working on! She traded me one for some of my products.”

“...Electricity?” she quietly said, turning her eyes on me.

“Apparently she got the idea from some Equestrian bigshot, though he isn’t actually a pony. Don’t remember what she called him. Started with an h, I think.”

“Human?” I asked.

“Sounds right. Anyway, how can I help you two ladies?”

Twilight was still staring at me, so I decided to take matters into my own hooves. “We need to buy a map of the city,” I said.

“Ah, you must be here for the festival.” He reached across the counter and grabbed a folded paper from a small container. “Come on over, I’ll give you the short tour.” I started walking to the counter and Twilight jumped to follow me. He had the map spread out across an empty section by the time we got there. “We are right here,” he said, pointing to a section that was fairly close to the train tracks leading up to the city. “This is the main shopping district. It’s also where many of the more popular inns are located. Have you found one yet?”

“We have,” Twilight replied with a nod. “It’s right around here.” She pointed at another spot on the map, about a ten minute walk from where we were.

“Ah, wise choice. That’s one of the nicer parts of the city.” He pointed to a line on the map between us and our inn. “This is a zone separator. There’s a list of zones at the bottom.” He grabbed a clicky pen and drew a star next to a few of the zones. “These are places you’ll find most of the festivities. Things like games, competitions, special food, and maybe a parade or two.” He drew an x next to some of them. “Two cute little mares like you should avoid these zones.”

“Are they dangerous?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t really say dangerous,” he replied. “But they’re a lot rougher than anything you’d find in Equestria. I doubt any griffins would hurt you, but they’d very aggressively hit on you and some might get drunk enough that they wouldn’t be interested in a no, if you understand my meaning. The guards will be out in force to do their best to prevent anything like that from happening, but the best way to avoid it is to not be where it might happen.”

“Makes sense,” I said with a nod. “Some people just can’t handle their mead.”

“That they can’t,” he said. One of his talons moved to the center of the city. “This is the royal palace. If you’re in the area, you might want to take a closer look just to see it. If you’re lucky, you might see some members of the royal family out and about for the festival.”

“Even King Bloodbeak?” I asked.

“It’s possible, but I doubt it. Last I heard, he had fallen ill. He doesn’t need to be out in the cold.” Well, I can probably see him when I go to visit Princess Gilda.

“How does the palace here compare to the one in Canterlot?” Twilight asked.

“I wouldn’t know,” he replied with a shrug. “I’ve never been.”

“It’s pretty much exactly the same, looks wise, though the color scheme is much darker. They straight up copied Celestia’s palace in Canterlot.”

“...Really?” she asked.

“Yeah. No clue why. Celestia’s design is terrible. It’s completely indefensible and it’s ugly, besides.” The shopkeeper was just staring at me in silence. “So uh… there’s no reason to see it unless you want to, my lady.”

“Right. Anything else of note?” Twilight asked.

The shopkeeper dude got over his shock and pointed out a few more landmarks. Things like museums, famous libraries, popular restaurants, and a few other odds and ends. By the time we walked out, we had a pretty good idea where to start looking for fun.

Before we could actually do anything, two griffin guards landed in front of us. “Excuse us, ladies, but are you here for the festival?” one of them asked.

“We are,” Twilight said.

They both grinned. “Would you like to participate in the Running of the Ponies?”

“What’s that?” Twilight asked.

“The first big event of the festival is the famous Running of the Ponies. We take as many ponies as we can find and have them try to escape from a horde of competing griffins. Whoever catches you gets to claim you. If you manage to escape, you get a special prize.”

“What are the rules?” Twiley asked.

“No flying and no magic. Whoever catches you gets to have sex with you, male or female.”

“Then and there, or will we get a room first?”

“Up to the griffin,” the guard said with a shrug. “Sex in public is legal in some situations during the festival. Griffins claiming their prizes is one of them.”

“Well, I think it sounds fun. How about you, Rosie?”

“It sounds… dangerous, my lady. What if you get hurt?”

“There are always a few minor injuries,” one of the guards said. “But we have plenty of medical staff dedicated to making sure it’s as safe and fun as possible. We haven’t had any competitors seriously hurt in years.”

“Then we’ll be happy to compete,” Twilight said with a very lascivious grin. “Isn’t that right, Rosie?”

“...Y-yes, my lady.”

“Excellent,” one of the guards replied. “The competition begins in Central Square in half an hour. Do you need directions?”

“We just got a map,” Twilight said, pulling it out with magic and unfolding it. “Is it marked?”

“It is, ma’am.” The guard walked closer and pointed it out on the map. We were several blocks away. “Find one of the coordinators and tell them you’re interested in competing. We need to get back to looking for more ponies. Have a good time, you two.”

“Oh we will, sir,” Twilight replied. The guards both grinned and took off, heading back out. “Hear that, Rosie? Several griffins are gonna be competing to see who can rut you first! How does that sound?”

“I-I’m not so sure, my lady…” Actually, it sounds kinda interesting. Basically Running of the Bulls, but with sex instead of extreme physical trauma.

“Well, I am. Let’s go.” She started trotting off toward Central Square. I hid a grin and followed.

The crowd started getting thicker as we got closer to the square. Several of the griffins cheered at us as we passed, some of them waving flags. I noticed a comforting and distinct lack of children anywhere. If I found out kids were participating in the festival, Twilight and I would have to be a lot more careful.

Strangely enough, however, I didn’t see any other ponies at all. “My lady, have you noticed that um… there aren’t any ponies around?”

“I’m sure they’re already all at the starting spot,” she said. “This event seems to be popular.”

I mean, I guess. The griffins definitely seem to like it, given how they’re all cheering when they see us.

“You know, I noticed something too,” Aqua said. “Well, I actually noticed it right away. You see, most self-respecting adults wouldn’t want to be hunted down and chased like animals and then get raped when they get caught. The guard said they used pony volunteers every year, but they seemed awfully delighted that you signed up. How many ponies do you think usually compete, hm?”

I dunno, most of the ones in the city? Why else would they be here in Gryphus during the festival?

“Exactly. How many ponies have you actually seen since you woke up? Here’s a hint: One. You and Twilight are the only two dumb enough to walk into something so degrading and humiliating.”

...So I take it you disapprove?

“Yes, I do,” she sighed. “Which of course means you’re going to do it just to spite me.”

“I think this’ll be fun, my lady,” I happily said, picking up the pace.

“That’s the spirit, Rosie!” Every few steps we took, some of the griffins we passed would reach out and stroke us. That shit was kinda weird, but the ear scritches did feel kinda good. My skirt protected me pretty well from their slaps, but Twilight’s let them right through.

Thankfully, that bullshit didn’t last too long. As soon as we entered the square, the crowds began just getting out of our way, though they were still cheering. Jesus, I kinda feel like I’m being led like a cow to slaughter.

“An apt analogy,” Aqua said. “You know, I asked Celestia about the origin of this particular tradition. Do you wanna hear it?”

Was that rhetorical?

“Yes. This nation was first founded after the griffins rose up against Celestia and successfully kicked her out. They enslaved all the pony civilians that were left in their lands. When the first festival happened, they gathered up all the female ponies and ran them through the city. The soldiers who served in the rebellion were allowed to keep any they caught as their personal slaves. Those who escaped the city were allowed back into pony territory.”

Sounds pretty shitty. But reenactments can be healthy. They remind people why something happened in a safe, friendly way. It’s a good way of sharing history.

“You’re pathetic. Enjoy this last foray into madness, Navarone. When you return to Canterlot, you are going to shape up and be the perfect lady, one way or another.”

Enjoy feeling like the good guy while it lasts, Aqua. Your time is coming.

“Your confidence is cute. In the end, you’ll see that I’m right. You’ll thank me one day, Nav.”

You are legitimately delusional. Can I please go like five minutes without your bullshit?

“What kind of elemental would I be if I didn’t advise my host?”

Bah. I did my best to tune her out. It didn’t work, but I pretended that it did to be petty.

In the center of the square, there was a large ring with a few ponies and a single older griffin in it. Twilight and I got corralled right to it. I flew over the fence and she teleported in. The griffin called us over, though it was hard to hear him over the crowd. He waved us in as we walked over. Once we were close enough, a female unicorn standing next to him started to speak. We couldn’t hear her for a second, then some kind of bubble appeared over us and the noise from the crowd disappeared. “There we go.”

“Are you two ladies here to compete?” the old guy asked.

“Yes sir,” Twilight said.

“Alright, let me explain the competition. First, the rules. You are not allowed to fly or use magic. The griffins pursuing you are not allowed to land or hurt you. If they catch you, they must get you above the building line to keep you. Then they get to have sex with you. There are enough griffins around to keep everyone honest, so none of the ponies ever get hurt. It’s just some good, clean, naughty fun. You two still interested?”

“Yes sir,” Twilight said with a big grin.

His gaze turned over to me. I nodded. “You have to say it, lassie. Legal reasons.”

“Y-yes sir,” I quietly replied.

“Don’t be nervous, lass. You’ll have fun. Now, I know that most mares enter this contest with the intention to lose. If that’s the case, this next part won’t concern you. If you win, you get your pick of many specially crafted devices. Nonmagical clocks, electric lamps, talon-crafted accessories of all types. There is also a five hundred bit reward for all winners.”

So if we win we get appliances and if we lose we get laid. Huh. “Losing sounds like the better choice,” Twilight said.

“That’s the point,” the random unicorn mare replied with a grin.

“Some mares need the money,” the guy replied with a shrug. “Anyway, good luck and have fun. The event will be starting soon.” The spell over us vanished and the roar from the crowd hit us like a truck. He walked off to look for any other newcomers.

Twilight pulled me over to one of the sides and another sound bubble fell over us. “So what do you think, Nav?”

“I think this is crazy. They’re going to hunt us down like animals and fuck us.”

“Well, you’re a prey animal now, Nav. And you’re a prey animal in heat. Trust me when I say you’ll enjoy this. Pony fight or flight response is exhilarating!”

“Yeah, okay.” Fucking weirdo.

“What’s with those terrible rewards, though?” she asked. “Why would anypony even want those things?”

“I dunno, having some more nonmagical things around would be nice. They’re a nice reminder of home.”

She snorted. “Suit yourself. But I bet you won’t get far.”

“Oh? How much would you like to bet?”

“Hm… I know. If we both lose, you have to clean me up and you can’t clean off until we get back to the hotel tonight.” Gross. “If you somehow win, I won’t get to clean off until we get back tonight.”

“And you’ll eat me out when we do.”

“Deal,” she said with a nod. “Bad luck, Navi!”

“Who needs luck? I got skills!”

“As a human, maybe. As a pony…” She giggled. “You might wanna start stretching!”

That seemed like a good idea. I began doing so, stretching as best as I could. There was no way I could really maneuver too well in that uncomfortable body, but I’d do my best. If I lost, well, I’d still probably have some fun.

“Would you like my assistance?” Aqua asked.

Your what?

“Help. Forgive me, I thought you would know what assistance meant. Would you like me to help you? Or do I need to ask again using pictures?”

Are you gonna be an ass about it the whole time?

She was silent for a few moments before sighing. “No. I apologize. I’m trying to take the first step, Nav. Whether you like it or not, this relationship exists. As such, it would be beneficial for both of us if we worked together. Neither of us wants to see you go through losing.”

Fine. But don’t think you’ll ever be my friend.

“I’m not here to be your friend, Nav. I’m here to be your elemental. That’s something you never got about how our relationship is supposed to be. You obey us. Flo spoiled you. In return for your services, we grant you several powers, like enhanced healing, longer-lasting lives, the ability to breathe underwater, and a few other odds and ends. And whether you like it or not, you are now my host. So how about we finally begin working together?”

I really hate you. I need your help so I’m gonna take it, but I really hate you.

“You’ll come around to my way of thinking sooner or later, Navi. I’m looking forward to it. Now, I will guide you. Follow my commands when I give them. If any griffins catch us, I can probably help you break free.”

As I was stretching, a younger female griffin came up to the two of us and handed us both bright red cloaks. She was able to yell enough over the crowd to tell us to wear those to distinguish us as competitors. Twilight helped me put mine on. Honestly, I was starting to feel like a piece of meat and winning seemed better and better.

“Be at ease, Navarone,” Aqua said. “We will get through this.”

Hell yeah we will. I’m tired of losing bets to Twilight.

When a large clocktower several blocks away started chiming, the cheering hit a crescendo. Several griffins wearing green cloaks took to the air and began swarming the skies. Wow, this is honestly feeling kinda creepy.

When the tower hit its last chime, the cheering finally started quieting down. The griffin organizer walked over to the middle, followed by his pony assistant. Some magical light appeared over his throat and he began to speak loud enough that the whole square could hear him. “It is time for the festival to begin! Remember, each pony is only in play when they exit the square! Once they get outside of the district, they have won. The competition is over when all ponies have either been captured or escaped. In one minute, the cage doors will lift and the ponies will be free to run. Good luck, stay safe, and have fun!” He slapped the ass of his pony assistant and put on a green cloak, then took to the skies.

Most of the ponies in the cage with us seemed fairly nervous. To be fair, there were only seven of us and a few hundred griffins. I wasn’t liking those odds, either. In fact, the only one who looked confident was a pegasus stallion. Given his coat and mane colors, I’d say he was a royal guard. For some reason, he looked familiar.

I didn’t let myself ponder on that too much, though. What do you think, Aqua? Try to work together or split up?

“I imagine every one of those ponies wants to lose. You’re better off with just me.”

Yandere much?

“For one who claims to hate anime, you sure do know a lot of the terms.”

I was saved from having to reply to that by the gates all slamming open. None of us moved. It seemed that we were all frozen, waiting for someone else to make the first move. Finally, griffins started swooping down. They didn’t attempt to grab us, but that got us all to bolt for the gates. There were only four exits from the square open to us. The crowds were blocking all the others. The stallion and two of the mares bolted for the southern entrance. Twilight and another unicorn took east. The last mare and I shared a look before she started running north. I shrugged and took west. The crowds cheered me on as I trotted toward the exit.

This feels really weird. I wanna say… demeaning.

“Gee, you think?” Aqua sarcastically replied. “You’re agreeing to let them hunt you like an animal. And then if they catch you, you have no choice but to sleep with them!”

Then let’s not get caught.

I finally made it out of the square and immediately began galloping. As soon as I got a meter away, a griffin swooped in right where I entered, letting out an avian screech as he missed. There was no time to celebrate, as another was coming dead at me, talons outstretched.

“Left!” Aqua shouted. I dodged left and he collided with another griffin who was trying to snatch me from behind. They both hit the ground in a tangle and I continued sprinting. Now that the crowds had thinned out, I realized the environment was at least a little bit in my favor. The tall buildings and relatively narrow street meant they couldn’t come at me from the sides very well. The number of banners and flags in the way hampered their ability to fly on the street level, so they’d be dodging obstacles.

That kept most of them at bay, but I had to dodge several more attacks before reaching the end of the street. It was a five point intersection and I honestly had no idea which way to go. “Right, toward the fountain,” Aqua said. I picked the street with the goat fountain and started galloping again. While I was in the intersection, five griffins came at me from each road. I ducked under the first one and he knocked another off course and into the ground. One came low enough that I was able to jump over him, which unfortunately threw me right in the talons of another. I twisted in his grip before he could find purchase on me and dove back to the ground. My hooves connected with a thunderous jolt I knew I’d feel in the morning and I went back to sprinting. The last one got my tail right as I got to the street’s entrance and my entire body just went limp.

Holy shit, is that what this is like? Jesus! He started dragging me into the air by my tail, which didn’t feel too comfortable. Aqua took control of my legs and kicked his talons, making him let me go. I hit the cobblestone street with a painful thud, but was back on my hooves almost immediately to continue running.

How many blocks left?

“Several. You aren’t out of the woods yet, Nav.”

The road I was on now didn’t have as much bullshit blocking the skies, so the attacks were much more frequent. After the third one, Aqua suddenly said, “Right!”

I jumped to the right before realizing she meant to turn right. I skidded to a stop and rounded the corner into an alley. It was way too tight for any griffins to actually fly into. I walked into it, trying to catch my breath.

“If the map you had is accurate, this will take us to another fairly tight road. We can use it to get much closer to the edge of this district.”

“Excellent. How do you think the others are doing?”

“Without a loving elemental in their heads? Poorly. I suggest you quicken your pace. The longer you dally, the more ponies will be captured and the more griffins who will turn their attentions toward you.”

“This would be much easier in my human body. I couldn’t feel tired, I could actually run instead of flail around, and I wouldn’t kinda sorta wanna actually get caught.”

“Yes you would. You’re an insatiable slut. Just look at your behavior, Nav. It’s disgusting.”

“Fuck off.” With one more turn, I saw the exit of the alley. Let’s do this, I guess. Which way?

She took the high road and chose to ignore the fact that I just told her to fuck off. “Left. This alley only has one exit, so there are probably griffins waiting to ambush you. Be careful.”

I took another moment to stretch out my body before sighing and nodding. I began trotting toward the exit. Right before I got out, I burst into a gallop and immediately jumped left and just booked it.

“THERE SHE IS!” Three griffins started hounding me, hovering right around my back. The only reason none of them got me is because they all wanted me for themselves, so they started hitting each other more than trying to get me.

I suddenly skidded to a stop and they all flew right over me. I reached up and grabbed two of their tails, yanking them right down to the ground. Before they could recover, I was off again, running after the one who escaped. He started gaining altitude to get away. Another swooped in under him and got as low to the ground as he could to try to take out my legs, but I jumped up and used his head like a kickboard, forcing him into the ground and propelling me forward.

When I was clear of him, I saw that the road was coming to an end. It looked like it T-Boned. Which way?

“Straight,” Aqua said. “There’s no rules about going into buildings and that window is open. Jump in and go out the back.”

Fuck it, whatever. Instead of slowing down, I sped up. The griffins started backing off so they could follow me whenever I decided which way I was going. None of them were expecting me to launch myself at the building, jumping into the window. I skidded to a stop on the wooden floor, panting.

The hallway I just entered was fairly barren. It had doors on even intervals on both sides, so I assumed it was some kind of apartment complex. There was another window at the far side of the hallway, so I started walking that way. Are you sure this isn’t cheating?

“They didn’t say you couldn’t do it. It’s not your fault they didn’t specify.”

As much as I tried, I couldn’t fault the logic. The long hallway let me catch my breath. When I looked out the other window, I didn’t see any griffins out and about. I knew they’d find me almost immediately though. “What next?” I was facing another square with six exits.

“Far left. Hug the walls and try to be quiet. If you’re lucky, they’ll pass you by.”

Instead of throwing myself out the window, I stuck my head out and did another more thorough look. Once I confirmed there weren’t any green cloaks around, I eased myself out of the window and began doing my best to stealthily trot along the apartment wall until I got to the left edge. Once there, I continued my trip until I got to the first exit, where a few griffins who were patrolling that road saw me and shouted warnings.

I jumped into a gallop as the chase began anew. Look, I know I’m the prettiest, but give me a break!

“You brought this on yourself,” Aqua said. “Everyone told you this trip was a bad idea but you still wanted to go.”

I deserve to make mistakes once in a while! I thought this would be a fun mistake, not a creepy one!

“Hmph. Dodge right.” I jumped to the right, just barely escaping a swooping griffin. He yelled in disappointment. “Left again.” I felt that griffin’s talons stroke my side before he flew out of range.

The courtyard wasn’t too large, so I made it to the last right quickly. As soon as I passed the building’s side, a griffin snatched me into the air. I shot my wings out, breaking his grip and throwing me to the ground. I hit with yet another painful thud and was back on my hooves in an instant. I just barely escaped one last attempt before making it into the road.

“One more turn and you’re home free,” Aqua said. “There’s an alley coming up that’ll lead you out of the district.”

Unfortunately, the road that I was on was so large that it had no banners at all. I was completely open to attack from above, a fact that was immediately apparent as two more griffins swooped down at me. One came from directly above and wrapped his talons around my sides. Another came from behind and grabbed my legs.

They both took off into the sky, but pulled different directions. I knew I could kick my way free from the one with my legs, but doing so would let the one holding my sides break free with me. After a short tug of war, they both pulled in closer to begin pecking at each other. When their heads were right next to each other, I pulled my back legs in, making them slam into each other and fall to the ground. I twisted so that one of them was under me when we hit the dirt and I continued on my way.

These fuckers sure are desperate for some sweet horse pussy.

“I’m proud of you for not giving in, Nav.”

Now I kinda want to… I didn’t want to enough to actually do it, though. Griffins finally started dive bombing me left and right, doing their best to get a grip on me. At this point, there were so many of them that they all got in each other’s way and I was able to squeeze through with nothing more than a few minor gropings.

Finally, I saw the alley Aqua was talking about. All the griffins were corralling me in a straight line and I knew trying to deviate from the path would be hard, but I honestly didn’t have a choice. It seems that some of them got it in their head that it didn’t matter so much who got me as long as I didn’t get away.

Unfortunately for them, I suddenly skidded to a stop and literally dove into the alley. It was far too narrow for any of them to fit through without falling straight to the ground, so I just lied on the ground and panted.

“You aren’t free yet, Nav. You need to get to the other side of the alley before you are out of the district. Don’t tempt fate.”

At the moment, I didn’t have much choice. My lungs and legs were burning. I was honestly regretting not jogging with my daughter more. When I was finally able to stand, several of the griffins I had knocked down were standing at the edge of the alley. “What’s wrong, honey?” one asked. “You don’t think you’d have any fun with us?”

I grinned widely. “I just don’t like losing, silly. Better luck next time!” I lifted my tail to show off the goods as I nonchalantly walked further into the alley. They all whistled at me as I went, but none followed.

When I got to the other side, I finally relaxed. Two of the green cloaks landed in front of me. “You’re amazing!” one said. “I can’t believe you actually escaped!”

“No one’s done that in years!” the other one exclaimed.

I wonder if that’s because no one ever really tried. “How are the others doing?” I asked.

“Oh, none of them made it past two blocks. They wanted to get caught, which is boring. You gave us a real chase!”

“Hm, disappointed you didn’t catch me?”

“Oh yeah, you’re a real prize! You know, it’s not too late to just say we both caught you…”

“I’m afraid we all know the truth,” I sighed. “You’re awfully cute, but I’d prefer being able to say I beat you all.”

“A mare after my own heart,” one of them said with a grin.

“So what do I do now that I’ve won?” I asked.

“Take the cloak off. We’ll fly you back to Central Square. We’ll let them know you escaped.”

“Then let’s do it,” I said, reaching up to fiddle with the clasp for the thing. I managed to get it off after a few tries and I spread my wings to take off. One flew in front of me to lead the way and the other flew behind me to stare at my cute butt.

When we landed back in the gated portion of the square, it was to a massive amount of applause and cheering. Given that none of the ponies had won in years, I suppose it was a pretty uncommon occasion. I grinned and waved at the crowd, since the organizer wasn’t currently present.

It didn’t take him too much longer to return, thankfully. Either someone else got his assistant or he had the same problem as Shiny. He landed in front of me, shock across his face. “Did you actually make it?”

“Yes sir,” I said with a grin.

“Amazing! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in seven years, we have ourselves a winner!” The crowd went wild again, despite already being aware of that fact. Once they had quieted down again, he held out a talon. “Your cloak, my dear.” I passed the red cloak to him and he held it up. “Unsoiled!”

I’m not sure what the significance of that was, but the crowd started cheering again. Another griffin jumped the fence and ran forward, a camera in one of his talons. The two griffins who escorted me picked me up and held me between them while the organizer displayed my cloak like a trophy in front of me. “Smile for the papers, missie!” the camera guy said when he lifted it up. The whole thing felt kinda awkward, but I smiled anyway.

The camera went off with a flash, recording my victory for the news. They’re really making a big deal out of this.

“The chase is a very important part of griffin culture,” Aqua said. “Part of their predator’s instincts means they don’t like things just handed to them.”

That’s dumb, but whatever. Once they had my picture taken, the organizer bundled me off to one of the buildings on the edge of the square. When we were safely ensconced within, we both let off sighs of relief. “I have to say, I’m impressed,” he said as he walked over to one of the walls, where there was a large pitcher of ice water. “Thirsty?”

“Unbelievably. I haven’t run like that in ages.”

He poured a glass of water and taloned it to me. I somehow grasped it with my hoof and started working on draining it. “Most ponies who enter want to lose. When I asked if you wanted to compete, you seemed… hesitant. From the looks of you, I’d say you’re a maid. Did you really want to compete or did you just want to keep your lady happy?”

“I had a lot of fun.”

“That’s a very impressive non-answer, little missy.” He took the empty glass from me and filled it up again. “I suppose it’s no business of mine, but if she’s mistreating you, this reward money means you can escape her. I’ll get you a check before you leave.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I started sipping at the water, though I was already feeling much better.

“Hm. Now, before we begin, there is one more option that usually never comes up. But as the sole winner, you have one more reward you can take.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“You have the opportunity to pleasure King Bloodbeak himself.”

“Oh.” I have to say, that was honestly kinda disappointing. “I heard he was sick. I wouldn’t want to risk hurting him.” Among dozens of other reasons.

“Perhaps that’s for the best. Well then, come along.” He led me into the next room, where there was a treasure trove of items. “Generally speaking, the rule is to only take one item. But there hasn’t been a winner in years and we had extra donations this year, so feel free to take a few things.”

I slowly looked over the items before walking up to a very nice looking bag. “Is this leather?” I asked.

“It is,” he said. “I’m surprised a pony knows what that is. It’s from a reindeer.”

As much as I hate the idea of a purse, I really need a bag to carry shit that I don’t have pockets for. That was the first thing I took, slinging it around my neck.

“A pony who knows how to escape a predator and likes leather? You’re a mare after my own heart!”

“I’m not like most ponies,” I sweetly replied as I continued to peruse the prizes. The next thing I grabbed was a very intricate bronze pocket watch. It had feathers carved all over it.

The last thing the guy let me grab was a pair of telephones. They were connected to each other with a fairly short wire, but I knew I could cut it and splice a much longer one on it. That way, I could run it from my room to the bottom floor so I could call for room service.

Once I had my prizes in hoof, the dude patted me on the back. “Again, I have to say that I’m impressed. You have a good sense of direction, lass. Here is a check for your bits. Feel free to cash it at any bank in Gryphus.” He taloned me a fancy looking check that I carefully slipped into the bag. I didn’t need the money, but I wasn’t going to say no to free gold. “Anyway, ready to head back out there?”

“Yes sir.” He grinned and opened the door. The crowd had dissipated slightly, but they still seemed happy to see me. Most of the other contestants were back in the ring, taking pictures with the griffin who caught them.

The one who caught Twilight held her up so that her backside was facing the camera and lifted her tail out of the way, letting them get a shot of what he had done to her. Now I’m really glad I didn’t lose. I started walking that way, since I still needed to meet up with her. By the time I made it, Twilight’s griffin was done for her and he took off.

When she saw me, her mouth dropped. “You… you… What happened?!”

“I won,” I replied with a cocky grin. “Did you have fun, my lady?”

“I… you… How?!”

“I ran,” I innocently replied.

“Wow.”

“So did you have fun, my lady?” I sweetly asked.

“I… Yes, Rosie, I had fun. I’m just still wrapping my head around the fact that you won!”

I looked over to our side, where the organizer was offering to hose the ponies off. It was probably the best they could do, in lieu of a shower. I turned my eyes back to Twilight and grinned. “Would you like to get cleaned off, my lady?”

She practically seethed as she replied, “No thank you, I believe I am fine.”

“Would you like to spend more time with the griffin who captured you?”

It took her a second to realize he had already left. When she did, she shook her head. “No, I don’t. Let’s move on, Rosie.”

“I’m right behind you, my lady!”

As we walked through more of the city, we quickly started noticing more and more lewd acts all around us. Most of them were relegated to alleys and all we heard were moans, but some griffins were a lot more open with it and were hanging out windows and hiding in low-hanging clouds. It was incredibly obvious that there was a ton of boning going on. I also started smelling a ton of boning going on. One of the many downsides of being a pony was the super sensitive nose.

“This culture is strange,” Aqua said. “In my experience, most nations stop celebrating fertility rituals once they become industrialized.”

I don’t see anything wrong with festivals like this. I’d rather sex be a more public, out in the open thing than a private thing anyway. Hiding away your sexuality is incredibly unhealthy and it leads to tons of problems. Hell, just look at America.

“I suppose there is some merit to that, but it still seems strange to have a weeklong festival dedicated to it.”

I dunno, I think the griffins have things figured out. This festival is neat.

“You would think so. Have you ever stopped to wonder if you might be addicted to sex again, Nav? It is something Flo did her best to cure you of once, but you’ve fallen right back into old habits.”

Which was at least partially her fault, since she kept giving me random orgasms.

“The point is, you’re back to using it as a coping mechanism.”

Yeah, I guess. It just so happens that I have several people willing to scratch that itch for me at the moment, so there’s no worry about me ever going through withdrawal.

“That’s a very unhealthy way to live your life. We might have to work on that.”

Eat a dick.

“See there? Your mind went straight to sex.”

I had to give her that one, but I didn’t have to be happy about it. Why is it that ignoring you is so much fun? That’s the part where she probably would have said something about me being a petty child. I wouldn’t know, because I was ignoring her.

Twilight picked up some pony-friendly food from a few vendors as we passed. The stuff smelled amazing, but I was still feeling pretty good from breakfast.

“So how did you really win?” Twilight finally asked. She didn’t sound as upset anymore, at least. “They swarmed me immediately!”

“They swarmed me, too. I dodged them.”

“How?! They were coming from all sides!”

“You’ve never had to dodge swords before. You pick up a sense for it. Several of them were able to grab me, but I was able to escape before we got above the building line.”

“I’m also kinda curious how you made it out of the district. I had the map, and I didn’t even have a chance to check it before they got me!”

“I took a few alleys for breathers. I knew the square was at the center of the district, so I went in as straight of a line as I could.”

“Hmph. Ugh, it feels so slimy!”

“I’m very sorry, my lady.” Except not really. Aqua giggled at that, for some reason. “So how was the griffin who caught you?”

She shivered. “Rough. Wonderfully rough. We didn’t even land! He just took me in the air! I’m disappointed you won, Rosie. You could use a good rutting.” I’ll say. “But don’t worry, there will be more chances soon!”

I can’t believe Twilight joined the mile high club before I did.

“You’re losing your edge,” Aqua said. “She’s becoming more of a slut than you are!”

I’ll have to step up my game.

“So what did you even win?” Twilight asked.

“A nice leather bag, a neat pocket watch, and a set of telephones. Oh, and a check for five hundred bits.” I’m sure she could see the bag, but everything else was stuffed inside of it. There wasn’t too much spare room, with the phones.

“Hmph. I think I got the better end of that deal.” The bag and everything in it suddenly vanished. “You can play with them when we get back to the inn. For now, your attention should be focused entirely on keeping me happy!”

“Yes, my lady,” I happily replied. Though we might need to have a talk about toning down the bitchiness.

Now that Twilight had eaten and gotten over losing, she seemed to be in a better mood. We stopped every few blocks to watch some surprisingly acrobatic griffin performers. In one case, we got to a square right as a big play was starting. She seemed interested, so we joined the crowd. Almost immediately after we joined the crowd, we found ourselves surrounded on all sides by friendly male griffins who wanted to cuddle with us. We stayed very warm throughout that play and as soon as the very lewd play was over, some of our cuddlers dragged us off to an alley for some fun.

When we were done with them, Twilight cleaned me off with magic, but very regretfully left herself to stew in their juices. We went back to walking through the city, but she was now noticeably leaking. That just piqued the curiosity of even more of the griffins and we both started getting more ponycalls.

It was part flattering and part creepy. I didn’t really know which part was larger.

We passed a large library that Twilight really wanted to enter, but she refused to go in while leaking like a whore. She did promise to go back when Gilda had me for the day, so I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get to go.

Several of the male griffins we passed were competing with each other in various ways. The most popular was wrestling. It seemed like there was always a smug looking female griffin standing by, presumably the prize of the competitions. We also ran into a few competing female griffins with happy looking male prizes.

The most interesting competition we ran into was the biggest dick size competition. Twilight and I actually stopped and watched that one, just for kicks and giggles. The guy who ended up winning made both of our mouths drop and his prize actually looked worried as he dragged her off. She wasn’t struggling, but she would definitely be walking sideways when he was done.

After a few hours had passed, we stopped to get more food and rested on a bench. It was splattered with questionable fluids in some places, so Twilight cleaned it before we sat down. Of course, it would probably need to be cleaned again after she got up, but that wasn’t our problem.

“So what do you think so far, my lady?” I asked.

“I think I’m not going to make any more bets,” she said. “I feel disgusting.”

“We could always go back to the inn.” If you’re just going to keep whining about it, that is.

“Hmph. Other than that, I’m having a good time. I was certainly expecting there to be more ponies, but I’m enjoying all the attention I’m getting. It’s about time I had hundreds of cute guys fawning over me.”

Even if most of their eyes are on me. “I’m glad you’re having fun, my lady.”

“You know, I bet we could get some of the griffins to compete for us, too. How does that sound, Rosie?”

“Why make them compete? Wouldn’t you prefer lying with all of them?” Burn.

She didn’t seem to take it as an insult, thankfully. “True. I suppose the griffins might be competing for the right to actually breed, so they likely wouldn’t do it for us. But I would like watching one claim you as his own personal toy…”

“My lady… no offense, but… you may have a problem.”

“What?!”

“Nothing! Nothing, my lady!”

“That is what I thought!” Tch, cunt. “Hmph, the nerve! I’ve half a mind to spank you, Rosie!” See, that’s why I think you have a problem.

I didn’t reply, either way. She walked off in a huff and I meekly followed. This punishment is gonna be fun!

And swift, as it happened. We had seen posters for events posted all over the place, but neither of us had really been paying attention. Now that she was out for blood, she started paying attention to them. Finally, we got to the largest billboard we had seen yet and she stopped. I wasn’t expecting it and almost bumped into her.

“I found out what we’re doing this afternoon, Rosie,” she said with a cruel smile. “We’re going to the auction!”

“The… auction?” I asked, walking up next to her. I finally realized that she was staring at something and followed her gaze to the advertisement. “...Oh.”

Apparently there was an auction going on in an hour or so. Volunteers could line up to be sold off to the crowd. The volunteer would be the special somepony of whoever paid for her… or him, apparently. It actually looked kinda interesting, but I was kinda worried about it.

“That might be… dangerous, my lady. Predators in heat are awfully possessive. They might not be interested in a no…”

“Then don’t say no, duh. Come on, Rosie! They wouldn’t let just anypony buy a lady! As if just anypony could afford me.”

“But… what about me?”

“You?” She looked me up and down and scoffed. “Who would want to buy you? I guess they can sell you off first, to whet their appetite.” She shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. We’re going!”

Well, if push comes to shove, I can protect myself better than the average person. And there’s always the escape spell. “Of course, my lady.”

“Now let’s see where it’s happening…” She shut up and pulled out the map to start looking for it.

Aqua finally giggled. “And if you truly become desperate, I can shut off the brain of anyone who tries assaulting you.”

Why the fuck did Flo never do that?

“Some of us care more about the sanctity of life than we do for our own followers. You are mine. I will never let anyone hurt you when it can be avoided, no matter the cost.”

So yeah, yandere much?

“Don’t question how I show my love. Just learn to love me back.”

Wow. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. I really hope you ain’t holding your breath.

“Give it time, Navi. You’ll learn to love me, I promise.”

Way to make that sound super ominous. You know, I remember Blaze mentioning how elementals used—

“Blaze is a liar and you will not speak of his filth to me. Or… think of his filth to me."

Wow, way to add to the ominous feeling I have now.

“Don’t worry, that feeling won’t last long.”

Since she was just going to keep threatening me, I decided to do my best to tune her out again. Thankfully, she actually left me alone that time.

“Found it,” Twilight said. “Let’s go.” She started walking off and I jumped to obey. You know, I honestly don’t know what kind of griffin would buy a pony covered in cum and reeking of sex, pony lady or not. Then again, I also don’t know if any of them would be interested in a pony at all, if they were actually trying to breed.

But whatever. It would be interesting, either way.

The auction was halfway across the city, so it took us a good while to get there. The crowds just seemed to be picking up as the day went on and people started getting off work. By the time we got there, it felt like the entire city was out in the festival, getting drunk and having fun. We passed dozens of performers of all types. The place was definitely neat and I’d honestly enjoy it just as much without all the sex.

That said, though, the sex was definitely nice.

When we got to the square where the auction was happening, we found that it was filled up pretty nicely. The thing was beginning soon and it looked like several people already had placards to make bids with. Twilight and I walked up to the stage with quite a lot of fanfare. Ponies were an oddity, apparently, so I’m sure several of them were hoping to get us.

Well, me, anyway. Twilight looked disgusting.

The organizers also looked happy to see us. It looked like a set of griffin twins, both female. They both said the exact same thing when they saw us: “About time!”

“...Pardon?” Twilight asked.

“We’ve been looking for ponies for days!” one of them said. “You guys always fetch high prices!”

“This’ll be great for the charity!” the other added.

“What charity?” I asked.

“We’re buying new electric heaters for our hospital,” the first one replied. “They’re much more efficient and safer than the old ones. With you two, we should make enough for sure!”

“Well, if you’re here to volunteer, that is,” the other one meekly said. With that, they both turned some very compelling griffin sad eyes on us. Even if I hadn’t been planning on signing up, that might have done it for me.

“Of course we are!” Twilight said. “Anything for the foals of Gryphus!”

“It’s primarily a geriatric ho—” one started, but was cut off by an elbow to the ribs. She finished with a cute awkward smile.

“Perfect! If you’ll just come with me, we can fill out all the legal forms and get you two behind the curtain!”

She led us to a few tables on one of the sides of the stage, where we took turns filling out forms. Since both of us had fake names with no real backgrounds, it probably didn’t really amount for much. Still, rules are rules. Once we were both done with that bullshit, we got lifted up onto the really high stage, where we joined a crowd of griffins. Most of them were chicks, but there were a few guys in there as well.

When they saw us, they all clammed up and started whispering to themselves, sending occasional glares our way. I guess not everyone liked two really hot ponies walking around, taking all the male griffins for themselves.

None of them approached us personally, though. I can’t believe griffins wouldn’t confront us. I always figured they were more direct and confrontational.

“And afraid of magic,” Aqua said. “Remember, other races are very wary of unicorns. They have no idea what she can do.”

That doesn’t mean they have to turn into total pansies.

“Remember how you were around Celestia and Luna in the beginning, before you became comfortable.”

Meh. I’m certainly not complaining.

Not too long after we entered, another pony stepped up from behind the back curtains. This was the same guard from before. The dude looked surprisingly pumped for someone who was about to get sold off, but I chose to keep my opinion to myself. I kinda assumed he would gravitate toward us, but he actually joined the crowd of griffins to talk to some of them.

While I was waiting for them to start some shit with the poor guy, the curtains blocking us from the crowd suddenly ripped aside with no ado. Everyone quit their bitching and looked up to the crowd. One of the two twins was standing in front of a podium to the side and banging a gavel on it. The other was standing between us and the crowd, staring at them.

When the gavel chick stopped hammering away, the speaker chick said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year’s auctions! Our proceeds will be going toward helping heat a hospital, so no bit is a wasted bit! We have some real treats for you tonight, my friends. I’m sure you can see all the beautiful griffins behind me, along with a few handsome ones for you ladies out there. I’m sure everyone out there in the crowd recognizes our special griffin guests, so they need no introduction. But we also happened to find three cute little ponies for you to play with, too! As you can see, one of them is a pretty little pure maid, perfect for treating you right. The other is a slutty little lady, perfect for pleasing you however you demand!” Fucking burn! I think. “And a real treat for any of you gentlemen out there who prefer partners a little more like you, we have a wonderful stallion just looking for a kind lover!”

There were a surprising amount of griffins out there who seemed to like that idea. I certainly didn’t hold it against them, but I did find it strange. Either way, they greeted the news with thunderous applause, though I’m sure the griffins with us on the stage were upset that we stole their spotlight just by being ponies.

That was their problem, though.

The twins started by selling the small fry. To no one’s surprise, the ugly and older female griffins were the least valuable. Most of the male griffins went next, fetching marginally better prices. Apparently a good chunk of them were gay, but some of them went home with chicks.

Finally, it was down to us three ponies, three griffin chicks, and one male griffin. One of the female griffins was called up, where we learned that she was apparently some kind of famous model. She definitely looked the part; every one of her feathers was perfectly in place, her body was perfectly groomed, and her beak seemed to shine. Bidding on her started fairly high and kept going for a while.

“You know, I bet I’ll fetch at least twice as much as you do, Rosie,” Twilight petulantly said.

“I’m happy to see that you’re so confident, my lady.” In your dreams, skank. I’m the one wearing a maid outfit, here.

“You know, I had a perfect idea for a bet, too. What do you say, Rosie?”

“What did you have in mind, my lady?”

Before she could reply, the model got sold. She flew off to her winner with a grin on her face, since it was a super sexy hunk of a griffin. The next up was another one of the female griffins, who was a popular noble. Her bidding started even higher and kicked off quickly.

Twilight giggled and continued, “If I win, I get to take a picture of you getting rutted by a griffin. If you ever disobey me, I’ll show your husband.”

“And if I win?” I asked.

“Tch, as if. Why would you need a prize? You get to serve me! That should be plenty good enough.”

“...So if I lose, you get to force me to do whatever you want. If I win, I get nothing.”

“Well, you win. Not that it’ll ever happen, of course!”

The noble was sold off and joined her new boyfriend for the day. The dude looked like he couldn’t believe his luck. Or maybe he couldn’t believe how light his pursestrings felt. The next one up was the last griffin chick, who turned out to be the most famous prostitute in the country. I had no idea prostitution was actually legal in Gryphus, but this chick was apparently living proof. Since she was so legendary, her bidding kicked off with a bang.

“My lady, no offense, but your bets are a little… unfair.”

“How dare you!”

“I’m sorry, my lady, but it’s true. I’m afraid I’m not interested in taking that one, though I do wish you luck.” You’re gonna need it.

She huffed. “Fine, be that way! But you mark my words, Rosie. They’ll pay at least twice as much for me!”

The whore auctioned off surprisingly quickly, by one dude who offered a ton of cash, well above everyone else. I guess he really wanted to get his dick wet for a premium.

For what it’s worth, I later found out that what he paid was a fraction of her usual price. She was apparently incredibly high dollar, which made me honestly rethink my life choices. Being a high class prostitute wouldn’t be too bad of a living.

Anyway, the male pony was next. Several male griffins sat up straighter when he was marched forward. He had a nervous grin on his face, but looked ready for anything. The bidding for him started heavily. There weren’t too many griffins trying to get him, but the ones who were really wanted him. Finally, a super gruff griffin with a single fake eye lifted a placard and called out a huge sum. He looked like the stereotypical grizzled bounty hunter, so I assume he just bagged himself a good prize. He easily won that bid, and the pony joined him with a huge smile.

Oddly enough, I felt the bounty hunter’s appraising eye on me for a moment. It was very uncomfortable, but it moved to Twilight quickly enough and I figured he was just seeing if he recognized us from any posters. That kinda made me feel worried for the guard, but then the bounty hunter grabbed the dude’s ass and pulled him away from the crowd. If he was reaching for the goods, I figured he just wanted to do some boning.

That left me, Twilight, and the griffin dude. Finally, they waved him forward, where we learned that he was actually one of the princes. It was incredibly flattering they thought we were worth more than he was, but it was even more surprising that a prince was willing to go on stage. All of them were married. That’s when the announcer mentioned that his lady wife allowed him to be sold as charity, as long as there was no undue hanky panky going on.

Now that bid took almost ten minutes and ended with someone paying around five hundred bits. The chick who claimed him looked ecstatic, but also kinda scared. I would be too, if I had just spent enough gold to buy a house just to get a boytoy for a single day that I couldn’t even fuck.

Still, it was her money. The prince flew her way with a very noble air.

“And now, for our most prized possessions,” the announcer said. “What do you think, guys? Who should we auction first? The lady or her maid?” I’m sure Twilight was expecting them to want to buy me first, since she thought I wouldn’t sell for as much. The look on the face when they all unanimously called for her was priceless. I couldn’t tell if it was disgust, surprise, or disappointment. “You heard ‘em, Lady Ivory! Step on up!”

To say that the bidding for her was lacklustre wasn’t honestly accurate. There were a lot of bids, but they were slow and the price didn’t go up very quickly. It didn’t seem like a super slutty lady was what everyone wanted, which just goes to show what Twilight knows about griffins.

Still, she got up to about six hundred bits before finally being sold to a very shifty looking griffin. As soon as he realized he won, he grinned widely and pulled out a leash and collar. Twilight almost blanched at that, but by the time she teleported over to him, she was back to wearing a grin. He placed the leash around her neck with a grin and started petting her mane. It was kinda creepy.

“That leaves our cute little pony maid!” the announcer said. I did my best to look nervous as I stepped forward. “Oh, look at her! She’s so adorable! Mm, I could just eat her up! For any hens out there who might feel the same, she said she’d be happy to be bought by either gender!” Well, Twilight actually checked that box for me, but I didn’t mind it.

Twilight and I were both incredibly shocked when the bidding for me started at five hundred bits. Just about everyone was shocked when one huge male griffin jumped to his feet before anyone else could speak up and yelled, “Fifteen hundred bits!” I know my mouth dropped and I was too busy staring at him in shock to see what Twilight was doing.

The only person who wasn’t shocked was the chick with the gavel, who slammed it on the podium once. That broke the spell over the crowd and she called out, “Fifteen hundred, going once.” There was a lot of murmuring, but no one said anything loud enough to count. “Going twice!” Several male griffins seemed awfully upset about that, but none of them had the cash to beat this guy out. “Sold, for fifteen hundred bits!”

Honestly, I kinda felt nervous. This huge guy just bought me for fifteen hundred bits. There’s no telling what he’d expect from me after spending that kind of cash. I barely noticed the crowd’s reaction or what the organizers were saying as I flew over to the guy, my stomach strangely full of butterflies. Or maybe worms. Not sure which.

When I landed in front of him, I realized the dude was about twice my size, most of which was muscle and fluff. He was grinning widely at me. “H-hello, s-sir,” I quietly said.

“Oh, you’re perfect!” he said. “What’s your name, miss?” Miss? Maybe he’s not gonna tie me up in a rape dungeon.

“My name is Rose Charm, sir. My lady calls me R-Rosie…”

“A cute little name for a cute little mare. Well come on, Rosie. First we’ll pay them, then we’ll head to my house.” And now we’re back to the rape dungeon idea.

“Yes s-sir,” I said, my ears twitching.

“Now, now, no need to worry,” he said. “You don’t need to be afraid of me.” Well, he’s definitely not going to spend fifteen hundred bits on a mare just to turn around and murder her. His tone seems decent, at the very least.

“I trust him,” Aqua said. “He definitely isn’t lying.”

That’s not very comforting, coming from you, but thanks for the contribution or whatever.

“You should trust me, Nav. I would never do anything to harm you, you know that. I want you to stay perfectly safe so we can be together forever!”

I can really feel the love.

For the first time since she got in my head, she felt warm. “I’m so happy to hear you say that, Nav, even if you are just being a sarcastic little shithead. You’ll learn to really mean it in time, though.”

Maybe. But right now, I hate you. She giggled, unsurprisingly.

Once the dude finished writing his fifteen hundred bit check, he turned back to me with a large grin on his face. “Are you ready to go, Miss Rosie?”

“Yes sir,” I said, feeling marginally more confident.

“Then shall we, dear?” He spread his wings and took off. I joined him a moment later. “Right this way!” His uncomfortably large talons very carefully grasped my hoof and he started flying off. As we left, I saw Twilight and the griffin who bought her walking away to an alley and surrounded by other male griffins. It looked like some of them were counting out bits, so I kinda wondered if her temporary owner was planning on whoring her out.

That was her problem, though. She was perfectly capable of escaping that situation if she wanted.

My problem was rapidly leading me further into the city. His talon felt sweaty, which is surprising because I didn’t think talons could sweat. What could he possibly have to be nervous about? He just spent enough money on me to buy three modest houses in Canterlot, according to Luna. Does he think I’m not going to put out?

“Some people get nervous around attractive members of the opposite sex,” Aqua said. “And you happen to be very attractive. You also look relatively pure and delicate in your mostly unblemished maid outfit. He might be worried about hurting you on accident.”

What a pansy. She snorted in disgust, of course. Once we got clear across the city and into the outskirts, he started descending. Where we were, there weren’t many houses and each one was massive, at least the size of my house near the Everfree. He landed in front of one such house.

“Well, here we are,” he said with a nervous grin.

“It’s beautiful,” I said. It was kinda a lie, but not really. “Who else lives with you?”

“Oh, it’s just me,” he said. You live in this huge house all by yourself? What the shit, man? “You… wanna see the inside?”

“You bought me fair and square, sir. I’m here to make you happy. So if you want to go in, we’ll go in!”

For some reason, his wings started twitching at that. “R-right. Let me just get the door…” I followed him up to it and he fiddled with his key chain for a moment before finding the correct one and swinging the door open for us. The first room we entered was a cozy living room. Every wall was lined with bookshelves and each one was completely full of books. Several more books were stacked up all over the place, including the furniture. “Oh, um, let me just…”

He scurried over to the largest couch and grabbed a pile of books to move it. There really wasn’t room for it anywhere, so he stacked it on top of another pile. “Do you need any help?” I asked.

“N-no, I’m fine. It’s just—” He was interrupted by the stack of books falling over directly toward me. The thing was so large that I had to step out of the way to avoid being flattened. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Are you alright?!”

My attention was a little focused on something else at the moment. One of the books that fell caught my eye and turned my blood straight to ice. It was a manga. As I took in the details of the cover, I realized that it was specifically a manga about a cute pony maid serving a griffin master. Oh god no.

When I didn’t reply, his eyes followed mine and he chirped in surprise, which I guess is what griffins do instead of squeak. Before saying anything, he dove across the room to snatch the magazine up. Once it was safely in his talons, he literally tossed it across the room to get rid of it faster. “So uh… Miss Rosie, I…”

“I wasn’t aware that any griffins knew about… manga.”

“You… you know about it too?”

“It was popular in Canterlot for a little while. My lady dabbled in it a little. I don’t really know anything about it, though.”

“Well… What do you t-think about it?”

I shrugged. “What others choose to enjoy is no business of mine. I don’t have to share an interest in something to understand that others like it.” But if you go full weeb on me, I might have to bail.

He actually sighed in relief. “W-what about… c-cosplay?”

“Isn’t that where you dress up as characters from the manga?”

“Yeah!”

I shrugged again. “I have no strong feelings one way or another.”

“Oh…”

“Is something the matter, sir?”

He sighed again and said, “I was kinda hoping that you would actually be interested in it, instead of just ambivalent… There aren’t many griffins I can talk to about it. I was hoping a real pony maid would share my interest without judging me for it.”

“I’d still be happy to do whatever you had planned, sir! You did buy me, after all. I’m here to serve you in whatever way you need!” That said, I’d prefer servicing your cock to being your maid.

“R-really?”

“Yes sir! Or… should I say my lord?” He blushed bright red and I giggled. “I’ll happily be your perfect cute little pony maid for the day, my lord!”

“And… do w-whatever I ask?”

“I live to serve you, my lord,” I sweetly replied. “I’ll wear whatever you want… or nothing at all. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll follow every single order you give with a smile on my face!”

His wings were twitching even more and his blush finally started moving down his neck. “E-every s-single order?”

“With a smile on my face,” I confirmed with a nod.

After several seconds of awkward staring, his wings shot out and he yelled, “It’s gonna be just like my fanfics!” Oh dear god no. For several long seconds, all I could hear was the sound of Aqua laughing at me. Finally, he cleared his throat and his wings eased down. “Um… You don’t… you don’t know what fanfics are, do you?”

“I’m afraid not,” I instantly lied.

He breathed out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank Celestia…” I blinked in surprise. “Oh, I guess most griffins don’t say that, huh? Sorry, it’s something I picked up from the manga…”

“Never apologize for being who you are, my lord,” I said. “Now how shall I begin serving you, hm?”

The huge grin on his face made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Well, at least I won Twilight’s bet. She’s probably having a lot more fun right now than I am, though…

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-One

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-One

When Twilight and I met in the dream realm that night, we both kinda just sat and stared at each other for a while. Finally, after some amount of time, I rubbed the back of my neck. The movement made her flinch a little and she blinked.

“So uh… how was your day?” I asked.

“I’ve had better,” she said. “It had its upsides, don’t get me wrong. But uh… Yeah, I’ve had better. Yours?”

“Yeah, same,” I said. “So… Remember how I said griffins were possessive?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, turns out that’s true. Kinda an understatement, but definitely true.”

“Alright, got it.”

“Another thing I may have mentioned in the past: Rarity is the fucking worst. It somehow always comes back up.”

It took her a second to process that one. Finally she just said. “Huh.”

“Have you ever heard of manga? Or anime?”

“...Oh. Yeah, Rarity introduced me to them! They’re the best! I really like the romance ones!”

“Alright, so we need to have a serious talk later.”

She burst into giggles. “I’m kidding, Nav. Those things are awful! Why do you ask?”

“Turns out they spread to Gryphus.”

“Oh no…”

“And he was a huge fan.”

“Oh… Oh no…”

“His personal favorite was one about a griffin master and a pony maid.”

She slumped down and sighed. “I’m so sorry, Nav…”

“Yeah… It was an experience.”

“Would you… like to talk about it?”

I looked down and sighed. “This guy was super rich, but incredibly awkward and lonely. He lived in a mansion by himself.”

“So it was just the two of you… all alone?”

“Yep.”

“He didn’t… hurt you, did he?”

“He never even touched me.”

She blinked in surprise. “It was just the two of you, he had a thing for pony maids… and he never touched you?”

“Apparently hentai hasn’t gotten this far north, just the manga. I only asked if he wanted to fuck me once. He turned bright red and started stammering like crazy.”

“...Huh.”

“So I was bought by a big sexy hunk of a griffin and all he wanted me to do was pretend to be his maid for a day. No sex at all.”

“And he paid fifteen hundred bits for that?!”

“I know, right? He could have gotten a live-in pony maid for a lot cheaper.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence, her eyes narrowed slightly. “...Are you bucking with me, Nav?”

“Honest to god,” I said. “He molests me with his eyes all the time, but ever since we actually got back to his house, he hasn’t had the balls to touch me.”

“Wow. So… are you disappointed?”

“I mean, kinda. My stupid horse pussy is on fire and I have a feeling he’s got the equipment to put that flame out, but he’s not gonna do it. I’ve considered trying to manipulate him into it, but that just feels dirty.”

“Why? Both of you are in heat. You know he wants to go for it, but he’s too afraid. Why not just take the first step?”

“Because I’m still in this stupid subservient, shy maid role you put me in. It just so happens that it appealed to every single one of this dude’s fantasies.”

“Maybe I should meet him,” Twilight slowly said. “Sounds like we have a few things in common.”

“Pervert. Anyway, how was your day?”

“Oh, mine? I made a plan with the guy who bought me. We decided to whore me out and split the profits.”

I stared at her in silence for a few very long seconds. Even Aqua was completely silent on that one. “Um. Wow. So I kinda gotta ask… why?”

“Well I mean… you know… You always encouraged me to explore my fetishes.”

“So you’re saying you always wanted to get whored out?”

“I mean… safely. He happened to share the same fetish!”

“Okay, whatever. I personally think that is a weird fetish, but I will admit that I have some that you consider weird.”

She stared at me for a few seconds before hmphing at me. “Don’t tell me you’ve never fantasized about it.”

“Not really, no. Like I said, I think it’s weird. But I respect that you have it.”

“We’ve talked about doing it to you all the time!”

“Yep. I’ve always thought it was weird.”

“But you seemed okay with it, like you were willing.”

“I was,” I said with a shrug. “You wanted it. I thought it was weird, but I’m also open-minded, so whatever.” You know, open-minded about some things.

She stared at me in silence for a few moments before walking forward and hugging me. “Thank you, Nav.”

“You’re welcome. So, how was it?”

“Amazing,” she sighed, pulling away. “They were all over me like animals!”

Creepy. “Well, I’m glad at least one of us is having fun. Are you gonna continue letting that guy whore you out tomorrow?”

“He said he had a surprise for me, actually. I’m kinda looking forward to it. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Probably getting ogled some more by this annoying weeb,” I replied.

“Why don’t you just leave?” she asked. “If push comes to shove, you can still just say the command word.”

“Because he paid for me. I’m not having fun, but he’s not actually trying to hurt me, so whatever. I’ll give him his day and then never see him again.” You know, hopefully.

She smirked. “And you thought you’d make a bad noble.”

“How many nobles are out there selling themselves at griffin auctions?”

“Just you, me, an actual prince, and a few griffin ladies. Honestly, I’m surprised Princess Gilda wasn’t there.”

“I don’t think she’s interested in a relationship. She definitely isn’t interested in being sold to anyone, which I can respect.”

“Being sold can be fun!” I lifted an eyebrow, which made her roll her eyes. “You know, if that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, let me know how being a prostitute works out for you. Anyway, where should we meet back up tomorrow?”

“At the inn. Feel free to teleport back as soon as you’re done with him. That spell is fairly easy to recast.”

“‘Kay.” It also means he can’t follow me back, if he was so inclined.

“You know, as much fun as this was, I really kinda wish we had stayed together.”

You and me both. Then I wouldn’t have a wasted the rest of the day on this mouthbreather. “You’re just in heat, Twiley. You know you really hate me.”

She grinned and shook her head. “There’s only one part of you that I hate, Navi. You know what it is?”

“My… entire personality?”

“That. That right there. Your worst, most disgusting feature.”

“...So it was my personality?” I don’t know why, but that actually kinda hurt.

“No. Your self-hate. It’s awful and I could never understand it. I’ve been trying since the beginning, but you didn’t make it easy.”

I shrugged. “Everyone likes puzzles. I bet that’s really why you’re with me.”

“No. It’s the only thing that ever makes me question why I am with you. How can I expect love from someone who can’t even find it for herself?”

“I dunno. I’ve been reserving it for other people? Humans only have so much love to give, Twilight. I can’t love myself and others. It’s one or the other, not both.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Well, I think I’d know better.”

She slowly shook her head. “Nav… You can admit you need help. I know you. Remember, I’m the best mare for you.”

I stared at her in silence for a very long time before sighing. “That was a huge gamble and you knew it.”

She jumped forward to hug me again. “I never doubted for a second!”

“Fuck you, though. I’ll never admit it.”

She pulled back and nuzzled me. “You don’t need to, Navi.” Her head leaned in for a kiss, so I licked her on the nose and vanished back into my own dream.

“That was just cruel,” Aqua said.

“But it was perfect timing and you know it.”

She crossed her arms and sighed in disappointment. “That poor mare loves her drama. Her life is full of it! Ever since you got here, it’s been in overdrive!”

“Then she’s gonna get bored with me when I retire. That means I should go with Fleur or Chrysalis.”

“You know, I think I’ve made a decision. You’re gonna love it, but it’s a surprise. Go ahead and enjoy your holiday while it lasts, Navi. When you get back to Canterlot, we’re gonna have so much fun!”

“Oooh, am I gonna get to tear you apart?”

“No, even better! But it’s a surprise, silly. You’ll just have to wait.”

“Surprises are the worst! Why’d you have to tell me about it?”

“Because as you ponder about what the surprise might be, I’ll gain insight into how you think. That will help me guide you down the correct path.”

“I hate you. Can you just wake me up now?”

One of her tendrils reached over and booped me on the nose. The next thing I knew, I was back on the huge bed covered in super soft pink blankets. I can’t believe this guy set up a full bedroom for a maid he thought he’d never have.

“You know, you better get started on breakfast,” Aqua sweetly said. “You wouldn’t want your new master to have to punish you, would you?”

Remember when you first forcefully entered my body and you said that I would never even notice you? What happened to that?

“I changed my mind. This is more fun.”

God dammit. I pulled myself out of bed, regretting my shitty pony body with its shitty burning crotch. I swear to god, this dude better stop being a tease and put out today. And you can keep your stupid opinion to yourself.

“I don’t have any stupid opinions, silly! All of mine are perfectly logical and based on reasoning. Honestly, you should listen to them more often. I think it would do you good.”

Eat a bag of dicks. That just made her giggle at me. It wasn’t all that productive, so I went into the pink pony bathroom the dude designed for his fake pink pony maid. After taking a shower and all the usual morning bullshit, I went back into the pink pony bedroom and sighed. How is this my life?

“This is what happens when you let cute little ponies make all the decisions for you, Navi,” Aqua said with a giggle. “First they force you to go to parties, then they force you to be friends, then they force you to wear dresses, and now one is forcing you to be a sex toy maid! Don’t you just love following orders?”

As a matter of fact, it was starting to grate. Some of the upsides have been interesting, but there have been a lot more downsides. I’m looking forward to that coma more and more every day.

“Oh, right. Yeah, that’s not happening. Too risky, I’m afraid. When you get back to Equestria, you’ll tell Twilight you changed your mind.”

You cunt.

“And then you’ll tell her a few other things that she might find surprising, but we’ll get to those later. For now, enjoy the festival while you can!”

You ominous cunt. It seemed that she was finally done talking to me, so I put on one of the numerous maid outfits this guy apparently had made. It reminded me a lot of the new one Doppel got, surprisingly. If it were me, I would have made them sexy instead.

Once I was ready, I took a deep breath and finally left my room. As I did my best to softly pad to the kitchen, I noticed no signs that the fellow was awake yet. It’s hard to believe this super rich guy would trust a pony he barely knows alone in his house.

“You’re about as nonthreatening as they come right now, silly,” Aqua said. “No one would ever suspect the kind and loving maid of anything untoward.”

And that’s when I strike!

“With breakfast in bed and cuddles? Maybe a morning blowie if he actually wants to touch you today?”

If all you’re gonna do is attack my self-esteem, can you just stop talking? I already hate myself enough for both of us.

Oddly enough, she didn’t reply. I counted that as a win and got started on breakfast. I guess the dude was too shy to ever go out and eat, because his kitchen was fully stocked. Well, either that or he really liked cooking.

Let’s see… He cooked last night for both of us, so he made it vegetarian. It’ll just be him eating this time, so I can go full carnivore. If only I could join him…

It’s a good thing he was a meat-eater, because I’m terrible at cooking most vegetarian stuff. With meat, all you need to do is season it, oil the pan, heat the oil, toss it in, and let it cook. That’s precisely what I did with the bacon and the sausage. Scrambling the eggs took a little longer, but it was still no trouble.

After everything was done, I poured a large glass of milk and carefully arranged everything on a trolley he had in the kitchen. This piece of shit better appreciate this. Aqua continued being silent as I rolled the cart down the halls, trying to remember which room was his. He showed me last night before tucking me into bed, but there were so many rooms that it took me a moment to find the correct one.

Knocking got no reply. I waited a few long seconds before easing the door open. Didn’t even lock it. It’s like this guy wants to get murdered!

He was still asleep in bed, unsurprisingly. The blanket was covering him, but his morning wood was casting a fairly sizeable tent in it. I grinned darkly and closed the door back, then sat down. It only took me a moment to enter the dream world. His dream was right next to me as soon as I entered. It was a golden one. When I looked in, I saw him cuddling with me on the same bed.

So I hopped in the dream, taking over my dream self’s body. “You know, master, I’ll follow any order you give me,” I huskily said, pushing my flank against his stomach.

“I know, Rosie,” he replied, pulling me tighter.

“And you seem so lonely, master.”

“I’m not lonely! I have you, Rosie!”

Tch, nerd. “Well… I was just thinking… I know something we can both enjoy.”

“You don’t like cuddling?” he asked. “But you’re so soft and comfy!”

“Close your eyes, master,” I said. “I have a surprise for you!”

“Ooh, I like surprises!” He pulled his talons away from me and used them to cover his eyes. I pushed away and rolled him over onto his back. Once he was in position, I knelt down between his legs and starting having some real fun. He definitely wasn’t expecting it, but he didn’t try to stop me.

After maybe a minute of that, I popped out of the dream world and opened his door again. He was whimpering and shaking, now. That was a good sign, so I pushed the door open the rest of the way and wheeled the cart in.

Right when it sounded like the dream was starting to get good, I called out, “Good morning, master!” He screeched in shock and tumbled out of the bed trying to get away from me. I watched in amusement as he scrambled away until he realized it was just me. “Seems like somepony was having some sweet dreams,” I said with a giggle.

His face turned bright red, of course. “R-Rosie! I was just… I wasn’t dreaming about you, I swear!”

“Okay, master. I brought you breakfast in bed!”

It took him several long seconds to recover from that. During that time, his dick never lost its hardness. It almost made me want to bite my lower lip. Man oh man, I need that thing inside of me. Curse this stupid pony body!

Once he had gotten over the shock of getting forced out of his lewd dream, he seemed much more amiable. “You… you actually did bring me… Wait, this is meat!”

“Yep!” I sweetly replied. “All for you, master.”

Apparently that was shocking. After a few seconds of thought, I realized that most ponies probably wouldn’t have been okay with cooking it, if they even knew how. “W-well… I’m afraid I’m kinda a vegetarian, Rosie. Nothing but pony food for me!”

Bullshit. “...Then why was there meat in your fridge, master?” I asked.

His feathers started twitching. “Um… For friends?”

“But it was almost nothing but meat! How often do your friends come over? Ooh, do I get to serve them, too?”

“No!” he immediately shouted. There’s that possessiveness. He cleared his throat. “They uh… won’t be coming by today.”

I looked over at the tray. “Then I suppose I’ll make you a new breakfast, master…” I sighed. “I’m sorry, I thought you would appreciate breakfast in bed…”

“N-no, you don’t have t-to—Uh, I’ll… I’ll eat it! But… Well… are you okay with that?”

“I made it just for you!” I sweetly replied, jumping back from the depressed mood. “Anything to make you happy, master.”

His beak twisted up in a grin. “You really are the perfect maid, Rosie.”

“I’m happy to serve, master. And I’ll be happy to follow any order you give me.” For some reason, that made him nervous.

“I… I know, Rosie.” He finally walked over to the food cart. “Wow, this looks… and smells amazing!”

“I’m happy to hear that, master,” I replied as he finally started eating. “You know, you seem… lonely.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on the eggs. “W-what?”

“I said you seem so lonely, master.” His eyes went wide, the dream repeating itself. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was expecting me to start sucking him off again.

“I… I’m not… I have you, Rosie!”

“Hm, I suppose…” Something flashed across his face but was gone before I had a chance to really see it. That said, I’m pretty sure it was disappointment. “So what do you think of the festival, master?”

“I uh… usually skip it. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking, even going to the auction…”

“What were you hoping to find?”

“I don’t know. But when they opened the curtains and I saw you, I knew I had found it.” Super gay. “And more to the point, I knew I couldn’t let any of the others get you. I wouldn’t dare to imagine what some of these brutes would do to such a pure pony maiden!”

Wow. Does he think I’m some kind of doll or something? “That was very thoughtful, master,” I replied. “The way some of them were looking at me made me feel… uneasy.” More like eager. Twilight’s having all the fun…

“Anything to keep my new pony waifu safe!” he immediately replied. I stared at him in silence until he realized what he said and his face turned bright red. “I-I mean… Uh, I mean…”

“You think too much, master,” I said. “And you seem so tense! Would you like a surprise to help you relax?”

All I had time to see before he booked it to the bathroom is that his nose started bleeding. I had to try my hardest not to laugh out loud at him. I think this might be fun after all!

After that, I started doing my best to do really sexy things and make it look like an accident. That included cleaning under one of the tables by shoving my ass in the air and letting my tail swing around wildly, eating a popsicle as lewdly and loud as possible while he squirmed in place, dropping innuendos everywhere, and just generally being a little tease.

About two hours after I started, his dick was finally just staying hard the entire time, despite everything he tried to keep it down. It took him another half hour to stop trying to hide it, since I did my best to stare at it as much as he stared at me.

Still, despite everything, he refused to touch me.

Finally, after a full three hours of teasing, he decided we should go to the market. I assumed it was so he could get a break from my teasing. Or at least, I assume that’s what he thought was going to happen.

“Are you okay with going back out?” he asked when we were at the door.

“Of course! So what do we need from the market, master?”

“Uh… This and that,” he awkwardly replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna go and enjoy the festival?” I asked. “You could always go to the market later!” You know, without me. I swear, what kind of noble goes to buy their own groceries? And more to the point, what kind of dude buys a mare for fifteen hundred bits just to make her do chores for a day?

“W-well…”

“As much as I enjoy serving you, I did come to Gryphus for the festival, master…” Well, I did. Rosie came here because Lady Ivory ordered it. “And it would be nice to see you interacting with other griffins!” I bet I can get you jealous enough to fuck me in the street, too.

“I dunno, Rosie. The other griffins might try to… you know…”

“You’ll be with me, right?”

“Oh, of course!”

“Then I’ll be fine. Come on, master, don’t you wanna enjoy the festival? My lady and I passed all kinds of fun events and performers!”

He finally sighed and hung his head. “Okay.” His body jerked back upright and he stared at me. “But only if you promise to stay close to me! There’s no telling what some of these griffins might do if they catch you alone.”

“...Master, I’m not made of tissue paper. And it’s not like any of the griffins have lost their minds or anything! They’re just a little more horny than usual.”

“Right, but you’re… You’re a pony, you know? You’re soft and sensitive!”

I just barely stopped from guffawing in his face. It turned into a giggle instead. “How many ponies have you really met, master?”

His face turned slightly red. “W-well… One…”

“Oh. Wow.”

“Really, almost everything I know about them is from the manga. After meeting you… I gotta say, they got some things wrong.”

“Truth is always different from fiction, master. But that isn’t always bad! Come on, what else did the manga say about ponies? I’d be happy to answer all your questions.”

That made him turn even brighter. “Y-you know, let’s just go explore the festival!”

“Oh come on, master. It can’t be that bad! What else does it say?”

“Well… For one… that ponies hate the thought of eating meat. The griffin master in the manga tried to get her to cook it, but she refused. Instead, she cooked him a meal so good that he turned vegetarian immediately.”

“That’s true for most ponies. But I was raised in a border town, so I’m used to it. That’s part of why my lady brought me!”

“Um… Another thing is that you hate being dirty. The maid was always meticulously clean.”

I shrugged. “That differs from pony to pony. Most of us don’t like being dirty, but we can live with it. I just don’t like the feeling of anything sticking to my coat.” Well, I don’t like the feeling of some things sticking to my coat. “I do know a mare who freaks out whenever she gets anything at all on her, but I also know another mare who loves playing in the mud.” One is a bitch and one is a farmer, though…

“Huh. Wow. Uh, what about… Oh, is everything you eat sweet?”

“Depends on the pony. I know some who only eat sweets and somehow never get fat. I know some who avoid them to maintain their figure.”

“...Wow.”

“You know, master, ponies are all different. Whatever side of us you saw in your manga is just one aspect. If you really want to learn more about us, why don’t you just go to Canterlot?”

His eyes jerked open wide. “B-but… aren’t ponies afraid of griffins?!”

“Not all of us, no. I actually know a few griffins who either live in Canterlot or who visit it often. There’s… Uh, Gustav, who does desserts. And there’s Gilda, who lives with Lady Navarone. One of the night guards is a griffin, too. Oh, and Lady Ivory saw King Bloodbeak at the Gala!”

“Huh. I always thought…”

“There was also a griffin noble who had pony servants, but he lived way out in nowhere. I think his name was… Hestra? He tried to hire me once. You could go to Equestria to find a pony maid!”

He actually seemed to consider that idea for a little while before shaking his head. “N-no, I could n-never…”

“Why not? You already have everything in place for it. You wouldn’t have to discuss it with anyone else, either! You could just do it and no one could stop you.”

“Uh… I…”

“You could even ask them more questions, master! Well, unless you have any more for me. Surely you got some other assumptions in there!”

He seemed relieved to move back in that direction. “What about grass? Do ponies actually eat raw grass?”

“After it’s been cleaned, maybe. Most of us like turning it into a salad, though. Or drying and frying it into hayfries!” I have seen Pinkie eating grass from the ground before, but that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.

“And do you actually control the weather?”

“Yep! I’ve been to the factory at Cloudsdale. It’s really neat!”

Finally, we got to the crux of the matter. Or at least, what I assumed he had been leading up too. “A-and… W-what about… r-relationships?”

“We have those too, silly.”

“I-I mean… What about… you know…?”

“You mean sex?” He actually flinched. “Ponies do that too, master. How else would we have foals?”

“Um. W-well… Aren’t ponies… You know, incredibly loyal partners?”

“Some of us.” He blinked. “But my lady is here specifically to cheat on her husband.”

“A-and… W-what about you, Rosie?”

“Of course!” His entire body seemed to sag. “But it’s a moot point, because I’m not in a relationship anyway.” And just like that, he caught his second wind. “I’ve actually been looking forward to this trip. I’m in heat right now and I could really use a good pounding.” His mouth just dropped. “It’s a shame you aren’t interested, but there are plenty of griffins who are! So you ready to go see more of the festival, master?”

“W-w-wait… Y-you w-w-want to… with a g-g-griffin?!”

“Yeah! Pure predators are so much fun! I like it when they hold me down and teach me my place. It really is a shame you’re a vegetarian. We could have had a lot of fun… Oh well! Shall we, master?”

“But you’re a cute little pony maid! How… how could you like predators?!”

“Aren’t your mangos about a cute little pony maid who likes a predator?”

“It’s manga, not… mangos. And I already told you, she convinces the griffin to give up his predator ways and he becomes a perfectly loving partner!”

“Sounds boring,” I said with a shrug. “Predators are so exotic and fun! Why would you ever want to give up those ways?”

“Uh… So the adorable pony maid would fall in love with me?” I lifted an eyebrow and he blushed bright red. “HIM! So the adorable pony maid would fall in love with him!”

“Then she obviously isn’t falling in love with him, she’s falling in love with some bitter mockery of him. If you have to change yourself so someone will fall in love with you, they obviously don’t really care about you to begin with. A relationship built on such lies probably wouldn’t last very long, since the griffin would come to resent the pony for forcing him to be someone he isn’t just to earn her love.”

“That’s not true!” he hastily yelled. “They lived happily ever after!”

“Even more boring and definitely unrealistic. All relationships have problems and all people have rough spots.”

“Not in manga they don’t!”

I’m kinda surprised they didn’t become more popular in Equestria, then. “Well, whatever. Now, how about we head into town, master?”

“Not if you’re just gonna go… griffin hunting!”

“Aww… Oooh, does that mean you’re gonna help with my estrus, master?”

“I… I couldn’t… That wouldn’t be right!”

“Why not?” I innocently asked.

“B-because y-you’re… you’re a sweet and innocent little pony maid! I’d just hurt you!”

“I don’t mind a little bit of pain,” I replied with a dirty grin. “I’ll even let you spank me, if you really want!” So much for pretending to be Rosie. Man, this heat doesn’t fuck around, does it?

That made him whimper, for some reason. “R-rosie, I don’t understand! You were s-so cute and sweet yesterday!”

“My estrus started last night, silly,” I lied. “I’d be happy to do anything you wanted, master. I’ll please you any way you like!”

For a moment, I thought he’d keep protesting. Then he came to a realization. “A-anything?” he slowly asked.

“Anything,” I repeated with a nod.

“I… I wanna rub your belly!”

God dammit. “Alrighty!” Hell, maybe it’ll give him the confidence to do more. “Shall we retire to your chambers, master?”

That made him choke, which got me giggling. Since he couldn’t really formulate a response, I started trotting that way. It didn’t sound like he was following me, so I guess I managed to completely break him. Should I feel bad about this?

“For once, I’m going to have to say no,” Aqua replied. “He chose to purchase you. Even if his intentions were pure, he still participated. So I can only say that he had it coming. I’m surprised to see you ask.”

I wasn’t asking you. I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t answer, either.

“I know,” she sorrowfully sighed.

It sounded like he was following me by the time I actually got to his room. There wasn’t much time left, so I quickly hopped into the bed and did my best to display myself like a complete and total whore. When Aqua sighed in disgust, I knew I had the perfect pose.

Just in time, too. Right before he got to the room, he started talking. “Rosie, I’m not so sure—” As soon as he got to the door, he froze and stared at me in shock.

“Not so sure about what, master?” I innocently replied.

“I… I…” He fell silent for a few seconds before loudly gulping. “R-rosie, I don’t think we should do this!”

“Why ever not, master?”

His eyes left mine, drifting down, and the blush on his face grew even brighter. “I-it… It wouldn’t be… a-appropriate, y-you know?”

“I don’t see any issues.”

He finally squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t wanna take advantage of your estrus!”

“Master, you may not realize it because the only way you know ponies is through your mangos, but our estrus doesn’t own us. I’m not interested in sex with you because I’m in heat, it’s because I like sex.”

“B-but—”

“We don’t have to do this, master,” I softly replied. “But you have a real pony maid on your bed right now, offering to do anything you ask. Are you really gonna tell me no?” Given by the erection he was sporting, I figured he was starting to see things my way. “I promise I won’t bite. And I guarantee you’ll enjoy it!”

He was silent for a few long seconds before hanging his head. “D-do… do you promise that you really don’t want it just because you’re in estrus?”

“I promise, master,” I sweetly said.

“Then… I… I guess we can… really do it!”

“Good. Now why don’t you start by helping me get undressed, hm?”

“Hey, I’m the master here!”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Forgive me, master. By all means, we’ll start however you like.”

“Right!” He stood there awkwardly for a few moments before clearing his throat. “W-well, how about I help you get un… undressed?”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, master,” I said. “So just come on over…”

What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable sex I have ever had. This guy was incredibly inexperienced and honestly probably never even touched a girl before. It was almost enough to be cute, but it was mostly just awkward.

Still, he did pay good money for me, so I really didn’t mind the weirdness. And he definitely enjoyed his first time, if the avian noises he was making as he tried to go to town on me were any indication.

When he was done wildly flailing about on me, he pulled me close to spoon me from behind. Given that he was so much larger than I was, it honestly felt pretty good. “Rosie, that was… that was amazing!”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, master,” I delightfully sighed. “Mmm, you’re so warm and strong…”

“And I didn’t… hurt you, did I?” he asked.

“Not even a little bit,” I said.

He sighed in relief, which tickled my ears. “So how do you… you know, feel?” he asked. “I know you said your estrus was bad earlier…”

“Much better, thanks to you,” I said. Stupid pony body. “So was that just like your fanfics, master?”

“I… I never wrote any like this!”

What’s the point of fanfics if you aren’t going to make them lewd? Come on, man. Aqua snorted, because all she’s good for is snark.

Silence fell over us again as we continued to bask in the afterglow. What he lacked in skill, he partially made up for in sheer size. If he ever actually got some practice in, he would be able to wreck anyone he boned. He certainly wasn’t going to be getting the practice with me, though.

After maybe half an hour or so of cuddling, I quietly asked, “So when is the twenty-four hours over, anyway?” His arms pulled me tighter. “It’s gotta be getting close, right?”

“You… you don’t have to go, you know…”

Oh no. “I don’t think Lady Ivory would be very happy with me if I stayed too late.”

“I mean… You don’t have to go back to Canterlot! You could… you know… stay here with me!”

Oh boy. “And be your maid instead?” I asked.

He finally turned me around, so we were facing each other. “You could be my wife!”

Oh god. “Wow. I… don’t know what to say…”

“I… I think I love you, Rosie!”

Welp, I’m stumped. Aqua, wanna be useful? I need some suggestions.

“I have one,” she said in my head. Her nanites took control of my mouth and she said out loud, “Wildfire.”

I instantly appeared lying on the floor of our hotel room. A quick glance around the place told me that I was alone. “That was kinda mean.”

“No, that was extremely mean,” she said. “But I’m not going to have you trying to get away from a clingy, possessive griffin that’s twice your size and incredibly rich. This method was safer, quicker, and now we never have to worry about him again.”

“Until he comes looking for me because he loves me, apparently.”

“Then Twilight can scare him off. Really, Nav, just how do you manage to ruin everything you touch?”

“Skill,” I said, finally coming to my hooves. My body was craving a shower something fierce. “Hopefully he’ll realize that he doesn’t actually love me.”

“Perhaps he does,” Aqua said as I walked to the bathroom. “You don’t know.”

“Then hopefully he’ll realize that my answer was no.” She giggled. I kinda doubted it too, but I was staying hopeful.

Twilight still wasn’t back when I got out of the shower, so I just went downstairs to get lunch. There weren’t that many people out and about in the inn, which made getting food quick and easy. My purple mistress hadn’t returned when I got back upstairs. Lacking anything else to do, I hopped up onto the bed.

“There’s nothing stopping you from going out and enjoying the festival on your own,” Aqua said.

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere without that teleport spell. I have no way of defending myself right now, so I’m not gonna risk anything.”

“A surprisingly wise answer,” she replied, almost sounding amused. “I do so enjoy it when you actually put thought into things.”

“Then I’ll be sure to stop.”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” she coyly said. “We don’t have to be enemies, silly!”

“Of course we don’t. Just get out of me and it won’t be a problem anymore. You can keep Celestia.”

“Would that I could,” she sighed. “But you’ve proven unmanageable without a chaperone at all times.”

“Yeah, well, you’ve proven that you’re a bitch.”

She huffed and didn’t reply, thankfully.

About an hour later, Twilight teleported in, also ending up lying on the floor. To put it lightly, she was… covered in cum. It was honestly kinda disgusting. “What the fuck did you do?” I asked as soon as I saw her.

All she could do was moan.

I slid off the bed and walked over to her so I could get a better look. It was obvious she had seen quite a few partners today, from the way her holes were gaping. If, you know, the copious amount of fluid wasn’t enough.

“Jesus, Twilight. Did you just get gang banged for hours?”

“N-no,” she finally groaned.

“...Well?”

“I learned what a gloryhole is,” she delightfully sighed. “Griffins apparently have full body ones during the festival. They covered my cutie mark and left my hindquarters in a room where griffins could come and go as they pleased.”

“Lewd. So how you feelin’?”

“Drained… So, wanna clean me up?”

“Hell no. Bitch, you nasty. Go take a shower.”

“...Please?”

“No.” I walked back over to the bed and hopped into it again. She continued lying there. “So, did you have fun?”

“Oh yeah. You?”

“I did not, no.”

She giggled and rolled over so she could look at me. There was a small puddle of slime where she had been lying. It was gross. “Did he ever decide to have sex with you?”

“No. I decided to have sex with him. It took some talking into. I deeply regret it.”

“Was he really that bad?” she asked.

“Yes. But it was mostly that he proposed to me afterwards.”

Her eyes blinked a few times as she processed that. Finally, she asked, “What do you mean, proposed?”

“He asked me to stay and become his wife.”

“After a single day?!”

“Yeah. It was awkward.”

“What did you say?”

“Wildfire.”

She snorted. “Figures. I’m impressed, Nav. No one’s ever asked for my hoof in marriage before.”

“Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it’s because you like going to glory holes and then lying around covered head to hoof in cum.”

“Forgive me for basking in the glow,” she muttered, her horn lighting up. Shortly after that, a wave of magic completely cleaned her off and she finally stood up. “Oooh, I can already tell that’s gonna ache…”

“Was it worth it?”

“I don’t know yet,” she said, walking over to join me on the bed. “So how cute and awkward was he?”

“Not very cute, but extremely awkward. I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually cringed when he asked me to stay.”

“Hmm… I wonder what Taya will say when I tell her…”

“I’d rather you didn’t, but I know you prefer watching me suffer to actually seeing me happy.”

“That’s not true!” I lifted an eyebrow and she sheepishly grinned. “But seeing you suffer is kinda fun sometimes…”

“Uh huh. I wonder what Cadance and Shining Armor will say when I tell them about your prostitution gig.”

“...Fair enough.”

“So now what?” I finally asked.

“Now we go get food, then I come back up and take an actual shower. After that, we’ll see. If I’m aching too much, I might just stay here. I’d be happy to recast the spell so you can leave, though.”

“That would take most of the fun out of it, but I can definitely understand. Also, I already ate, but I’d be happy to join you downstairs.”

“Excellent. Now where is your dress?”

“At the guy’s house. We were still naked when he said it and the thing was in another room. I had to bail ASAP.”

“Well, I can punish you for that later. For now, you are permitted to be nude.”

Woo hoo. “You’re so generous, my lady.”

“And don’t you forget it.” She started to slide off the bed, but froze in place after moving a few limbs. “Ooooh, it’s already aching…”

“Want me to bring you something up?”

“I really wanted to go down and brag about everything we’ve done…”

“Then stop complaining and let’s go.” She sighed dramatically and continued her way off the bed. I followed her to the door and we went back downstairs. It was slightly later, so there were a few more patrons. It wasn’t rowdy, though I had a feeling that Twilight might attempt to change that.

We picked an empty table and sat. A waitress got to us immediately and Twilight placed her order. As soon as the waitress chick walked off, Twilight began loudly talking about all the things we had done yesterday. I kept myself to demure, quiet responses and didn’t point out that I had won all the bets and been sold for almost three times as much.

I gotta say, it was amusing to watch Twilight roleplay as a complete slut. Playing Rosie might have been fun if I didn’t have to pretend to be reluctant about sex. As it was, being all cutesie and demure was starting to grate.

Since the stew was prepared beforehand, Twilight got her meal quickly. She took her time eating so she could tell everybody about how many cocks she had in her that day alone and a few thoughts out loud about what her husband might be doing right then.

None of the griffins were actually staring at us, but there’s no way they hadn’t heard what Twilight was saying. A few of them actually sent me looks of pity, but they didn’t last long. It might be time to talk to Twilight about toning it down a little.

Her long-winded tirade of sluttiness finally ended and we returned back upstairs. She was shaking her hips way more than she should have been until we got out of view, at which point she started limping.

“Those griffins sure did a number on you, my lady,” I quietly said.

“Nobody asked for your opinion,” she testily replied. Yeah, it’s time for that talk.

When we got back to the room and shut the door, I said, “You’re being too much of a bitch.”

“I’ll tone it down,” she sighed as she walked to the bathroom. I assumed she was going to the shower or whatever. I grabbed the bag I got from the competition and dumped it out on the bed. I wanted a better look at the watch.

Now that I had a second to study it, I realized the feathers on the back of it were attached to griffin wings. The front side had a pair of talons engraved on it. When I opened it, I discovered that the numbers and watch hands were gold instead of bronze. It was behind what looked like some kind of crystal instead of glass.

In short, I definitely liked it.

I also studied the bag a little more, but it was honestly pretty nondescript. I was gonna try to cash the check soon, so I didn’t forget. The phones looked simple, so I just shoved them back into the bag and hopped up onto the bed myself. Without any books or anything else to do, I reluctantly entered the world of dreams.

There weren’t many griffin dreaming presently, but most of the existing ones were red. I hunted down all those that weren’t and fixed it using Celestia’s body.

Aqua woke me up when the water to the shower cut off. Twilight exited a few minutes later, covered in towels. “I wasn’t that bad, was I?” she asked

“I’m honestly surprised none of the griffins said anything. It looked like a few of them were considering it.”

“...Huh. I’ll be more careful, then. I want to avoid a confrontation. I’m sorry if I was too mean to you.”

“You definitely got bitchiness down. Now I just need to train you to use it on my enemies.”

She giggled and hopped up onto the bed so she could snuggle with me. Her body was still damp, but it wasn’t too bad. “You’re so cute, Navi. You know what I like doing when you’re being cute?”

“Uh. Nuzzle me?”

“Yeah. But this time I think I’m gonna rut you instead, just so I can see the adorable expressions on your face.”

Creepy. “I thought your body was sore.”

A dildo appeared, held aloft by her magic. “My horn’s not. I hope your body is ready, Navi!” She started playing hide the dildo with me. It was enjoyable. Once she was finished watching my expressions, she finally rolled off of me with a sigh. “I do so enjoy your face when you have an orgasm,” she said. “It’s just too cute!”

“You’re sadistic,” I panted.

That made her giggle. “So now what are you gonna do, Navi? I’m definitely staying in, but you’re free to go out. It would give me time to take some notes anyway.”

“Then that’s what I’ll do,” I replied. “Just recast the teleporting spell, if you don’t mind. I don’t want to run into that creepy griffin again.” Or any other confrontations I can’t talk my way out of.

“No problem,” she replied, pressing her horn against my side. “Same codeword.” Something pulsed into me and she pulled away. “Be careful out there, honey. I don’t expect any issues, but you never know…”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I told her. She snorted as I rolled off the bed and walked to the door.

“Try to be back by tomorrow morning, by the way,” she said. “The cutie mark spell wears off then.”

“I was planning on coming back tonight. I don’t really want to spend the night with another griffin.”

“Good. I prefer having you all to myself.”

It was my turn to snort and I left as soon as I did, making sure to close the door behind me. No one bothered me as I left the inn, thankfully, so I was quickly free to do anything I wanted.

At the moment, all I really cared to do was just walk around. Now that the festival was on its second day, the novelty of constant sex wore off for a number of griffins. I still picked up a few lascivious stares and ponycalls, but most of the griffins barely paid me any mind at all.

Of course, if the ponycalls were good enough, I took them into a back alley to suck them off. I wanted to have some fun, after all. Hearing them moan and chirp as they came was always amusing.

After spending maybe an hour just enjoying the festival, I came upon a sign with a familiar name. “DJ Pon-3 concert tonight, you say?” I whispered, walking closer to the poster. “Now that could be fun.”

The sun was starting to set about that point, so it was rapidly getting dark. The concert was supposed to start as soon as night fell. There was an address listed, but I wasn’t really familiar with it.

“Do you know where that is?” I asked aloud.

“I do,” Aqua replied. “I would be delighted to guide you there.”

“Good, because I’d be delighted to go. See there? You can be useful. Just keep meeting my needs and I might hate you slightly less.”

“Baby steps,” she happily said. “Now, would you like to fly or walk?”

“Fly. I wanna get there early and see if I can convince her I’m me. We could have some real fun if no one knows who I am but her.”

“That is very disappointing, but I am willing to accept some of your life choices. For now, at least. Now, take off and I shall guide your path!” She was true to her word, thankfully. “We can get along, Nav,” she said when I was over the venue. “We just have to make compromises. You more than me, of course, but that’s a sacrifice you’ll just have to make.”

“You’re a bitch. I can’t believe you aren’t capable of reading my mind enough to know that I hate everything about the way you act, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. If you really want me to start getting along with you, why don’t you stop doing things that I hate?”

Oddly enough, she didn’t have a reply to that. This was an outdoor concert in a fairly large square. After a few passes, I noticed that one of the buildings closer to the stage had a few buff griffins standing at it. Since Vinyl wasn’t anywhere else, I flew over that way and landed in front of them.

“What do you want?” one immediately asked me.

“I’m a friend of Vinyl Scratch,” I said. “I was wondering if I could talk to her.”

“She said she was expecting a friend,” one said as they both backed away from the door. “Go on in, Miss Octavia.”

Worst bodyguards ever. “Thanks guys,” I said as I walked through them. Good to know Octavia’s gonna be here, though.

Vinyl was doing a line of salt when I walked in, so she didn’t look up until I had the door closed. I could barely tell it past the glasses, but her eyes widened when she saw me. “Who the buck are you?”

“Navarone,” I replied. “Twilight turned me into a pony so I could get fucked like crazy at this sex festival.”

“Whoa. That’s buckin’ hot!”

“You’re not even gonna question that?” I asked.

“Psh, no! I know you! And I definitely know that bored, monotonous voice anywhere.”

“Cool.” I kept walking in. “You might wanna tell the guards that I’m not Octavia, though. That’s why they let me in.”

“Worst guards ever,” she sighed, hopping up. “Help yourself to anything here,” she said as she walked past me.

The door closed behind her, so I assumed she was yelling at them and didn’t want me to hear. It didn’t hurt my feelings any, so I just walked over to where she had been sitting. There was more salt there, along with what looked like a few joints. She also had a small barrel of mead. A plate of cookies was sitting on top of it.

There wasn’t a lighter, so the joints were out. I didn’t want to try the pony equivalent of cocaine at all, so that wasn’t an option. The barrel had a spout on it, so I grabbed a mug and filled it up. Cookies and mead wasn’t the best combination, so I only ate one before giving up on it and just drinking. Vinyl poked her head back in while I was on my second mug. “You interested in getting rutted real quick? These guards are gonna make up for this the fun way.”

“Sure. Tell them my name is Rosie.”

“You got it.” She pulled her head back and I finished off the mug.

“Yeah, I say this’ll be fun.”

It was very fun. They were both just the right kind of rough. Aqua called me a slut a bunch of times during it, but honestly, that kinda just made me enjoy it more.

When they were done, they high-fived each other and then walked out to resume their duties. Vinyl floated me a towel and we got ourselves fixed up.

“So when’s this thing supposed to start?” I asked.

“Probably fifteen, twenty more minutes. So, did you come in yesterday?”

“The night before. We’ve been pretending to be a lady and maid pair.”

“I bet you get to be the maid, right?”

“Yep.”

She giggled. “Knew it. Do any events?”

“Two. We did the chase thing at the start where whoever caught us got to have sex with us.”

“Oooh, that one is fun! How was the guy who caught you?”

“I escaped.”

That made her scoff. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“The griffins loved it. They said that they were happy one of the ponies actually took it seriously. That shit made them super hard.”

“But you didn’t get to enjoy it!”

I shrugged. “Sometimes being wanted is enough. Being a tease can be fun!”

She shook her head sadly. “You just haven’t been a mare long enough. Tell you what, how about I give you a fun surprise tonight?”

“What’s that?” I asked.

She walked over to a desk against the far wall and opened a chest. “I was gonna give these to Octavia, but she said she probably couldn’t make it anyway.” Two crystals floated out. When she walked back over, I realized they were carved into dildos. “These are special harmonic crystals from the Crystal Empire. They vibrate hard in the presence of any sound. At a concert like this, you’d probably feel it all the way through your body.”

“That sounds… intense.”

She smirked. “I thought you said you had been broken in, Navi. C’mon, you ain’t gonna wimp out, are you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Good.” One of the toys floated behind me and slid right in. She lubed the other one up first and got it in more slowly. They felt snug and warm. “I recommend just panties. They’ll keep the toys in, but soak right through so everypony can see what you’re doing.”

“Sounds good to me. You got a pair I can borrow?”

“Tch, of course. I hope you can fit one of Octy’s old pairs. I was gonna give ‘em back, but she couldn’t be bothered to show up.”

“What was her excuse?”

“I dunno, something about a charity concert for an orphanage or whatever. She just always has an excuse. She can be so selfish!”

“Sounds like it. How dare those kids be orphans! All her attention should go to you.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I tried telling her, but she just wouldn’t listen. I’m glad you understand, Nav.”

I honestly couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not. It also didn’t really matter. “So let’s see those panties.”

“Right.” They were apparently also hiding in the box. She floated them over and held the dainty pink things up for me. “I like ‘em.”

“You’re really trying to make me into a slut, aren’t you?”

“Uh, duh! I wish you had told me you were coming! Hay, I wish you had told me sooner that you could turn into a pony! I would’ve gotten you all kinds of tail! Especially since you’re buckin’ hot! What else can you turn into?”

“A dragon and a changeling. Twilight also thinks she can do griffin, but the last time she tried, she turned me into a house cat.”

“How was being a dragon?”

“Cool, minus the torture and almost being turned into a breeding sow.”

“Sounds like you got some juicy new stories! We’ll have to meet up soon to talk!”

“I’m gonna be in Canterlot for a while when I get back. I’ll be heading to Ponyville periodically.”

“Awesome. We’ll match schedules later.”

“Right, and then we can talk about how awesome it is to break in a new skillet or sponge.”

Her face lit up. “Oh Celestia, I didn’t believe you when you told me, but when I first tried it—Oh. You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” The big shit-eating grin on my face was enough of an answer, but I confirmed it by nodding. “...Jerk.”

“I’ll make it up by kissing your ass before you go up to the stage. If you want, that is.”

“I do. Slut.” I stuck my tongue out at her. “I better see you walkin’ outta here with two or more griffins. Maybe even set up shop nearby so they can run a train on you.”

“No, I’m not that bad.” I finally grabbed the panties and carefully pulled them on. “Just barely too tight,” I said.

“Even better. That way, the outlines will poke out. Now, you want anything else before we head out?”

“Just another cookie,” I said, walking over to them. “They tasted really good, for some reason.”Though being dipped in mead made them straight up unpalatable.

“Oh, you like those?” she asked as I nommed another one. I nodded, since my mouth was full. “Good to know. I tried a new dosage this time, so the weed taste is strong. That’s probably why they taste so good.”

“These are… weed cookies?” I slowly asked.

“Yep!” She flew one over and popped the whole thing in her mouth. “They’re the best!” she forced out as she noisily chewed.

So, Aqua—

“You did this to yourself. Enjoy, Navi.”

“Well, this is gonna be interesting,” I said. “I’ve never actually gotten high before.”

“Oooh, you’re gonna love it!” she said, a huge grin spreading across her face. “It makes sex so much better! You might turn into a drooling mess on the dance floor, Navi!”

God dammit. “If I can survive horrific cursed mushrooms, I can survive this. If it’s as good as it’s supposed to be, I’m sure I’ll have fun.” Of course, that didn’t stop me from worrying about it, but it was too late at that point.

“That’s the spirit! Now, shall we?”

“Yep!” We both walked over to the door. The feeling of the toys inside of me was very distracting, but they weren’t vibrating yet.

She placed a hoof on the door handle, but didn’t open it. “Brace yourself, Nav. They’re probably gonna start cheering when they see me, which is gonna set those toys off.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“Good. Now, you’ll walk up to the edge of the stairs with me, then kiss my dock before I continue alone. You can join the crowd, then.”

“...What’s a dock?”

She lifted her tail up. “This little fleshy part of the tail, right where it meets my body. Feel free to use tongue.”

“I had no idea there was a name for that. Twilight always makes funny noises when I suck on hers. Anyway, let’s do it.”

She finally pushed the door open and we walked out to face the crowd. Sure enough, when they saw Vinyl, they all started cheering. The sound hit me like a truck and I instantly moaned. Vinyl giggled and soaked up the cheers, making a few poses to make them cheer more. My back legs were shaking slightly, but I held myself together as we continued to the stage.

Once we got there, I made good on my word and kissed her dock, then made my way to the crowd with a big grin on my face. The crowd cheered me on, of course. It was… orgasmic.

Vinyl apparently didn’t want me to have any relief at all, because she immediately started playing music. The wave of sound shook me to my core. Dancing was going to be very unlikely, so I just settled in for the long haul, focusing on the wonderful feelings coming from down under.

Honestly, I don’t remember much of the concert. It was a haze of pleasure and lewdness with constant booming music reverberating through me. I know I definitely had sex with a lot of griffins, but I didn’t really register it happening. With the weed dulling my mind and the pleasure hitting me so hard, I suppose I just acted on instinct.

To no one's surprise, it turns out my instincts are slutty.

After the concert ended, I just wandered off. I kinda question Vinyl’s friendship skills, given that she let me leave alone while under the influence of drugs in a strange new city, but I already knew she was kind of a selfish cunt.

After some amount of time spent aimlessly walking around the streets, still wearing nothing but leaking panties, I was jolted back to reality by a strong female griffin grabbing me by the neck and slamming me against a wall. “Well well well, what do we have here?” she said, pushing her face in closer to mine.

“Looks like a little mare in heat,” another one said, joining her right in my face.

“And it looks like she’s spent some time with a few griffins, too,” a third added.

“You know what I hate?” the one holding my throat asked.

“Tourists?” one of her friends suggested.

“Pony skanks hunting on our turf?” the other asked.

“Girls that are prettier than I am,” the mean one said. She lifted her talons with a smirk and cruelly said, “Let’s fix that!”

“Drop her,” a new voice said. It was deep and harsh, definitely a male griffin. My three attackers took a look that way before the really mean one dropped me and they all flew off. I looked over expecting to see guards. Instead, it was the same guy who bought the royal guard the night before. “Are you unharmed?”

“...Yeah. Thank you.”

“These streets can be unsafe after dark for one such as you,” he said. “Would you like me to take you some place safe?”

“Sure. But would you be interested in… say, a reward, first?”

He blinked a few times before grinning. “Well, I suppose that depends on the reward. What did you have in mind, little miss?”

“Well, you saved me. I think my hero deserves to pick. I’d be happy to do anything you like, sir!”

His grin widened. “Then how about we find a back alley, hm?”

“Sounds good to me!” I followed behind him as we searched for a place to do the nasty. Since Gryphus is, for the most part, a fucked up warren of unplanned roads, it didn’t take us long to find a secluded alleyway. “So how shall I reward my savior?” I sweetly asked.

He reached down and grabbed my chest, then thrust me up against a wall. The roughness of it made me moan right as he kissed me. His other talons ripped my panties down and wadded them up. When he pulled away from the kiss, he shoved the soiled things in my mouth. He pulled a gag out of a pouch and tied it around my face.

The talon on my chest let go and I fell to the ground. He rolled me over onto my back and rapidly hogtied me with rope he had hanging on his side.

When he was done, he pulled back and admired both me and his handiwork. Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t going anywhere, he finally dicked me down hard. Apparently the guard just whet his appetite for ponies.

Anyway, when he had collected his entire reward, he pulled away, panting. “You… you’re… On my feathers, you were the easiest bounty ever!” He walked over and lifted me up so he could take off. “They told me Lady Navarone would be impossible to take down!”

Well, that doesn’t sound very good.

“That’s because it’s not,” Aqua said. “Wait one moment.”

She fell silent and the griffin’s flight path became erratic for a moment before he began landing in the closest courtyard. When he set me on the ground, I noticed that his eyes were now blue. Aqua used his body to untie me and ungag me.

“So now what?” I asked.

“It seems that this fellow got your bounty in China, the land of the dogs,” she said with his mouth. “He doesn’t know who set the bounty, but he does know where to collect it.”

“So how did he know I was here?”

“Pointy Hat, the day guard he bought yesterday. Apparently he mentioned speaking to Lady Navarone about the festival. Since you weren’t exactly subtle about your intentions to come up here for the festival, it didn’t take this bounty hunter long to figure out that you were here and who you probably were.”

“Wow. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” she happily said, turning my head warm. “I will always protect you when you are in true danger. For what it’s worth, though, you wouldn’t have needed my help to escape. He was planning to ungag you when he got to his safehouse. You could have used the command word then.”

“Still, now we have this guy in custody. What are you gonna do with him?”

“I have not decided. For now, he is going to forget that he came here for you and focus on enjoying the festival. If I have need of him later, I will activate him.”

Alrighty then. “Cool. I think it’s time for me to go back to the hotel.”

“Agreed. Where there was one, there could be others. You and Twilight need to have a change of plans. Lady Ivory and Rose Charm are no longer safe.”

“...Yeah. This is gonna be awkward to explain. She’s probably gonna do the lie detecting thing and there’s no way I can just pass this one off.”

“Tell her that you want to do something different tomorrow. Since you know she’s gonna be aching, she should go back to her normal coat and visit the library. You can either have her turn you into a griffin or a changeling and enjoy the festival that way.”

“That’ll work for day three. I guess I’ll just have to play the others by ear.”

“We know we’re still seeing Princess Gilda, so that’s one day. We’re also seeing the other Gilda and possibly Spike, so that’s two days. We already have tomorrow covered. That just leaves two. It shouldn’t be difficult to find some reason to be in different bodies.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. Have fun with your new toy.” I finally flew off, leaving the uncomfortable conversation behind. I can’t believe I actually had to be nice to that thing!

“I know you just said that to hurt me, Nav. But it’s okay, because I love you!”

“Uh huh. Sure you do.”

“Forever and ever,” she softly whispered in one of my ears. It was creepy.

When I got back to the hotel, Twilight was actually down in the common area getting drunk. I walked over to her table and joined her. “Ah, so my maid finally returned!” she loudly called as I sat.

“I have, my lady,” I said.

“Several wonderful gentle... griffins have been buying me a fantastic local drink called mead!”

“That’s… alcohol, my lady,” I replied. “The same as applejack.”

“Well, I love it! You should try some, Rosie!”

“No thank you, my lady. I’ve already had enough tonight.”

“Oooh, did you actually do something interesting for once?”

“I went to a DJ Pon-3 concert. She mistook me for a friend, so I got the full VIP treatment, including a few special items. They made me feel… amazing!” I might have to get some more of those cookies. You know, maybe.

“I feel pretty amazing too, you know! In fact…” She leaned in closer and whispered, “We could go feel amazing together!”

“That sounds… fun, my lady.”

We suddenly teleported upstairs. From the look on Twilight’s face, I knew any kind of important talk would have to wait until tomorrow. “I hope you’re ready for some punishment, Rosie,” Twilight said with a cruel looking smirk.

If she actually remembers this night, I have a feeling she’ll be able to write an entire book about it.

Twilight took two steps toward me. Before she could do anything, her eyes widened and she threw up everywhere.

Some people just can’t hold their fucking booze, man.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Two

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Two

I was woken up early the next morning by a loud groan. Since I knew it was just Twilight dying as rudely as possible, I did my best to go back to sleep. I mean, I was aching in a few places too, but you didn’t see me waking anyone up.

Unfortunately, she’s selfish and refused to let me get my rest. The groans continued until I finally sighed and sat up. Twilight was lying on the floor, twitching occasionally and making annoying noises.

“Is that really necessary?” I asked with a yawn.

“K-kill me,” she croaked.

“Maybe later, after breakfast or something.” She groaned again as I stretched. “Honestly, I don’t know what you’re bitching about,” I finally said, falling back down into bed. “You can heal the hangover.”

That realization made her gasp. A few moments later, she groaned again. “But I can’t cure the other aches…”

“Yeah, you can’t cure getting fucked from all angles at a glory hole.” Slut. “So, worth it?”

“Ugh… Yes.” I grunted. “Not for the sex itself, though that part was definitely fun. Just being able to say I did something like that feels… fantastic. And empowering, in a way.”

“At least there’s that. Get some water. You’re probably dehydrated, even if you don’t realize it.”

“...Yeah, I know. I tried going to the bathroom earlier, but I didn’t make it.”

“Gross.”

“I cleaned it up with magic! But it means I haven’t gotten any water yet…”

“Hm, that sucks.” I pulled the blankets back up and rolled over. “Let me know when you’re ready to go get breakfast.”

“...You know, you could get me water.”

I sighed dramatically and threw the bedsheets off. Walking petulantly is an art. It’s one I’ve mastered as a human, but hopeless at as a pony. Still, I did my best to seem as unhappy as possible while walking to the bathroom to get my current main marefriend a glass of water.

It didn’t really bother me, of course. I just wanted to make her feel bad for inconveniencing me.

When I had the glass, I walked back out and hoofed it to her with a loud, exaggerated sigh. “Thank you, honey,” she croaked as she grabbed it with magic.

“You’re so demanding,” I muttered as I walked back to the bed. I knew at that point that there would be no more falling asleep, but it was still better than just standing around.

“I’ll try to work on that,” she sarcastically replied. Drinking the water shut her up and also made her stop groaning. When the glass was empty, she teleported on top of me and forcefully hugged me. “Maybe some kisses will make up for it?”

“Maybe. I guess we’ll just have to find out!”

She smirked and we began testing. Turns out, a few kisses actually did make me feel marginally better about getting woken up.

After collecting her data, Twilight decided to just cuddle in close with me. “So, did you have any plans for the day?” she asked.

“I figured you’d be aching and would want to either stay in or do something light, like maybe visit the libraries in your normal body. I was hoping you could turn me into something else so I could mingle better with the crowds?”

“Like a griffin? I’m pretty sure I can do it!”

“Changeling, actually,” I said. “That’ll give me plenty of options.”

She sighed and pulled me tighter. “I promise I won’t turn you into a house cat again, Nav.”

“I know, but I also don’t really want to be a griffin right now. I’m kinda tired of being in heat. I figure a changeling would be a good way of avoiding it while still letting me blend.”

“...Are you sure?”

“Are you being racist again?”

She replied by turning me into a changeling. “I think you’re cute no matter the race, Navi,” she said with a kiss on my snout. Her aura was coming in pink, but very jumpy. “But griffins don’t like changelings. In fact, I think it’s actually illegal for you to even be in Gryphus.”

“If I get caught, I can teleport back. That spell is so convenient!”

“Right?” She kissed me again, because I was powerless to resist. The pink aura smoothed out slightly and only seemed to occasionally pulse. “I’m just worried about you going out all alone. There’s no telling what might happen out there!”

“I’m not a child, Twilight,” I replied. “I’ll be fine. Besides, who would want to hurt me?”

“The dogs, apparently,” Aqua muttered. I ignored her.

“I know, you’re right… But that doesn’t stop me from worrying. I am in pain, but I could still go with you!”

“If you wanna go, you’re welcome to,” I said. “But I don’t want to hear any complaints about how you’re aching or how you need to slow down or whatever.”

Her aura began jumping about again. “...Not even to ask for a ponyback ride?”

“Especially not even to ask for a ponyback ride. Honestly, I think your body needs a break today. The library would let you get out without putting you through much pain. If I go out as a changeling, I can fit in and teleport away if necessary.”

“...I mean, you could just come with me to the library.”

“I ain’t about that nerd shit, Twiggles.”

She immediately hit me with some hardcore nuzzle action. It was almost too warm and snuggly. We were both surrounded by pink while she abused me. When her assault finally ceased, she pulled back with a smirk. “Not even with me? I can think of all kinds of ways to spice it up!”

“Look at yourself, Twilight,” I said. “You can barely stand! No offense, but it really might be better if you just stayed entirely clean for a day.”

“It’s not too late for me to put that changeling body to use,” she sultrily replied, her aura getting even worse.

I turned my horn into a human arm and booped her on the nose with it. “Snap out of it, you horny cow!”

She stared at me in silence for a little while, her grin slowly fading away. Her aura depleted at the same time until there was just the barest hint of pink. She finally quietly asked, “How did you think that was gonna go?”

“With a giggle and maybe a kiss on my nose? And then you’d stop trying to make everything sexual and take like five minutes to chill the fuck out? Like, I know you’re loving this, but if you don’t take a break, you honestly might hurt yourself.”

“I want this date to be perfect, Nav!” she said. “And after the griffin that bought you was a bust and after you actually won the chase, it felt like you weren’t having any fun…” She actually picked up a hint of blue with that statement.

“Nothing’s perfect, Twilight,” I said, finally retracting the creepy arm thing. “That’s just life. I’ve been enjoying this, faults and all. You may have went a little bit overboard and I don’t want you to hurt yourself, so I really think you should take it easy today.”

All the pink disappeared, leaving only blue around her. “...And you don’t want to spend time with me while I do it.”

“How often do I really get a chance to just blend in with a crowd, Twilight?” I asked. “I always stick out somehow, whether it be through horrific mutations or looking beautiful. If I go out as a changeling, I can just melt into the festival!”

“And I am to be left to rot in a library?”

“You said you wanted to go anyway! You’re just being reluctant now because I’m the one who suggested it.”

“Yeah, which is why I think you have an ulterior motive!”

I recoiled in mock pain. “Twilight you… you wound me!”

“Out with it,” she said. “Right now.”

The red in her aura kinda worried me, so I finally said what I should have at the beginning. “I was attacked by a hunter who was trying to collect on a bounty the dogs put out on me. He knew I was Rosie. It would be best if we split up and laid low for a day or two to see if someone else makes a move.”

Her aura turned orange, which made me assume the news actually made her afraid. “You have a bounty out on you?! For what?”

“I dunno.”

“How did you get away?” Before I could reply, her aura turned solid yellow and she gasped. “Does he know where we are?!”

“He’s no longer a problem. I’m pretty sure we’re not gonna have any more hunters, but I think it would be best if we didn’t chance it. With you in the public library and with me completely invisible, there’s nothing anyone could do to us. That’ll give you time to recuperate and let the heat on Rosie and Lady Ivory die down.”

“So why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” she demanded.

“I knew you’d overreact.” That and you were shitfaced drunk last night, to the point of throwing up and passing out. “This problem is contained.”

“If it was contained, we wouldn’t have to lay low!”

“It’s probably contained.”

She shook her head and sat up. “We need to leave, Nav. Just pack our bags and go. Neither of us are really prepared for a confrontation like this.”

“First off, my momma ain’t raise no bitch.” That made her turn bright red. I sat up and matched her new glare. “Second off, if I turn tail and run now, I will never hear the end of it. Every single person told me going alone was a bad idea. I am not gonna let them win!”

“And double down on what was honestly a dumb idea?” Twilight asked. “You are in danger, Nav!”

“I’m okay with that,” I replied with a shrug. “For the first time in a long time, I might be in good hands.” At least, hands that will actually do whatever it takes to protect me. No bounty hunter is getting me out of here.

Aqua sighed in pleasure. “You don’t know how wet that made me, Navi! I might have to reward you for that later!”

And now I wanna take it back.

“You’re really a stubborn idiot sometimes, Nav!” Twilight said.

“I know, but you love that about me. That’s the part of me that always gets in trouble and you love the drama.”

A tiny amount of pink replaced some of the red. “Shut up, I’m mad at you!”

“Fine,” I said, rolling my eyes. “What do you want, then? I’m sure you have some outrageous demand that’ll make you happy again.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. It seemed like she wanted to angrily retort, but she stopped herself before she could say anything. A calculating look came over her face. When those calculations finished, she grinned and her aura finally turned pink. “Fine. I do have a demand. The next time you see Aqua, I want you to make up with her.”

“What?” I hissed.

“You both made mistakes,” Twilight smugly replied. “I think it’s time to work past that. You should talk with her and try to mend your relationship!”

Every fiber of my being wanted to tell her to go fuck herself. Aqua didn’t give me the pleasure. Instead, she used my mouth to sigh and said, “If that’s what it’ll take, I guess I can give it a try…”

“Good,” Twilight replied with a nod. “We shall definitely have a talk about what you should and should not tell me, though. I think I deserved to know we could have had bounty hunters breaking in at night!”

“...That’s fair, I guess. I just really didn’t want you to freak out. You do have a habit of doing that.”

“I think I had every right to freak out! You were attacked!”

“Yeah, but not successfully! You just make a big deal of the all the little things.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Maybe Kat and Watcher were right… You really shouldn’t go around unchaperoned.”

“I resent that,” I replied.

“She’s right,” Aqua said with a giggle.

“Well, you’re lucky you’re right!” Twilight said. “I do like the drama and the trouble. You’re always interesting to be around. So you get a pass… if you try to make up with Aqua.”

“I really don’t want to,” Aqua let me say.

“At least give her a chance,” Twilight replied. “I’m sure if you do, you’ll find her quite charming!”

...Did you secretly stay in Twilight’s mind?

“No. I do have some limitations, unfortunately. Keeping both you and Celestia under my thumb at all times means I can’t micromanage another pony without their permission. I can manage drones like the guards easily enough, since almost all they do is just stand there. That makes their reactions limited, but that doesn’t matter. Since I had to put so much extra water into you and Celestia, I can create temporary hosts like the bounty hunter. I hold onto them until their use is up, then have the nanites return to me.”

Thanks for all that information. It gives me a few ideas about beating you.

“Don’t get your hopes up, silly,” she said, pinching one of my cheeks. “Those plans will never work against me! I’ll see them coming a mile away!”

“I hate you,” I sighed aloud.

“No you don’t,” Twilight said, booping me with one of her nasty hooves. “I’m the best mare for you!”

“Calm your adorable fuzzy butt down, missy. I don’t need that attitude.”

“Oh, of course. My apologies.” She sniffed and turned away. “Since it seems I’m no longer wanted, I shall go take a sho—bath. You are dismissed.”

The effect would have been better if she hadn’t fallen onto her face as soon as she got out of bed. I laughed at her as she limped away, red-faced.

“That was mean,” Aqua said.

That was revenge for her trying to get me to make up with you!

“That will be great for our relationship! You’ll beg my forgiveness for all the mistakes you made and all the times you were mean to me and I will graciously forgive you. Then we can be the best of friends out in public, too!”

Welp, guess it’s officially time to kill myself.

“Nope! We’re gonna be friends forever and ever, Navi!”

That conversation was getting bleak and depressing quickly, so I finally hopped out of bed. I decided to be Rosie until I got somewhere private outside and could turn into whatever I wanted. That in mind, I once more became the pony maid.

Before leaving, I took one more look around and decided to grab one of Twilight’s bags. I shook it to made sure it had bits, then actually opened it to see what else. There were a few snacks, a single vial of that shitty poison, maybe twenty or so bits, and a few sugar cubes. I closed the thing and slung it over the shoulder before letting myself out the door.

When I got downstairs, I very unfortunately bumped into the curious owner. “Ah, Miss Rosie,” she warmly said, brutally ending my attempts to escape quickly and quietly.

“Good morning, ma’am,” I replied, trying to sound happy.

“Have you been enjoying the festival? Your lady has been quite vocal about it, but you’ve been keeping your peace.”

“I’ve had fun,” I said with a grin. “My lady may have overdone things a little. Her body is aching quite terribly, so she’s going to take things easy today. She dismissed me.”

“Serves her right, it does,” the hen replied with a nod. “But no matter. At least you’re enjoying the festival, little lass. If you need anything at all, just let me know and I’ll be there for you!”

“Of course, ma’am. And thank you.”

She grinned and bobbed her head, which I took as permission to finally leave. It was still too early for the festival to be going good, so I wasn’t surprised to find that there weren’t many revelers out and about. I walked about a block down the road so no one from the hotel would see me take off, then I flew off to hunt down a secluded alley.

After I had been in the air for about a minute or so, I flared my wings and stopped so I could take a good look around. “Seem like anyone’s following me?” I asked.

“It doesn’t look like it,” Aqua replied. “However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t being watched. If push comes to shove, you have a guardian alicorn who would be happy to come to your rescue.”

“Luna’s in hell and Cadance is busy living her mostly perfect life. I can’t think of any other alicorn that would actually be happy to save me.”

“Celestia would be happy to get the chance to rub the fact that she saved you in your face.”

Of course. Since I was pretty sure no one was following me, I finally dipped down into an alley that didn’t appear to have anyone in it. I waited for another minute or two before finally deciding I was about as alone as possible. “Now, who to be…”

“An older male griffin,” Aqua said. “You wouldn’t have any reason to be at work right now and not many female griffins would ask you for sex. You’d essentially be as invisible as possible.”

As tempting as it was to ignore her just to spite her, it actually made sense. I was still tempted to become an older female griffin instead, but decided I’d rather have a penis, even if it was just a fake one. Bloodbeak was the only older male griffin I knew, so I became him, then made a few minor changes so no one would think I was the king.

“See there?” she said. “We can work together with no problem at all!”

“There actually is one problem,” I said. She sighed. “I damn sure don’t want you in here.”

“That’s not a problem,” she said. “That’s a temporary opinion. You’ll learn that I’m the best elemental for you soon enough. In fact, I’d be happy to prove it to you right now!”

“And how is that?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“I’d be happy to hide all the emotional auras so they don’t get distracting! Flo never did that, did she?”

“I don’t remember. You’re probably just capitalizing on that fact in an attempt to trick me.”

“Eat a dick, Nav,” she petulantly replied. “I would never lie to you. I don’t need to! It’s not like the truth would ever help you anyway!”

“You’re just overall an extremely unpleasant person to be around, aren’t you?”

She patted me on the back. “Well, it’s not like you can go to any of my competitors, Navi! You made them all hate you, so none of them would make you a host even if you asked!”

“I don’t need their help to escape you.”

She giggled and patted me on the head. “Soon enough, you might not need it. When Twilight gets us to reconcile, we can slowly fake a relationship over time until everyone believes you’re happy to ask me to be your host! And then it’ll be official… We can be together forever!”

“You’re way too optimistic.”

“I like to dream big, Nav,” she happily said. “After all, you have to if you wanna kill a god! I know the two of us can do it together, Nav. We can beat that thing and with luck, cut your ties to him in the process!”

“I’m still not seeing where any of this justifies eternal slavery.”

“I’m afraid you’ll just have to take my word for it, Nav,” she sighed. “It truly is for the best, even if you can’t see it yet.”

I had been down that road far too many times, so I finally just walked out of the alley and joined the festival.

Sure enough, I didn’t see any emotional auras around anyone. At least you can do some things right.

She just angrily sniffed at me.

As I began walking down the streets, I noticed something comforting. Instead of lascivious stares, eyes just glazed over as they noticed me. I missed invisibility.

“There is security in anonymity,” Aqua said. “But I never took you for a coward.”

I’m allowed to have preferences. If I must get stared at, I will. But when I have a choice, why would I pick the option that makes me miserable?

“There is no crime in being striking, Nav. Your differences are no fault of your own. There is no need to hide from what you are.”

Yeah, I don’t need to. I just want to. Now shut up and let me enjoy this before I get back to Canterlot and you ruin what’s left of my life just because you want to see me unhappy.

She actually shut up. Honestly, I figured she’d refute that point. Instead, I went back to peacefully enjoying the festival.

After maybe an hour of wandering around, taking in the sights, and looking like a lecherous old pervert, I found myself relaxing on a bench and just watching the crowd. There were two street entertainers working on this road. One was a dog juggler and the other was a griffin musician. Sitting alone in a crowd with no one paying me any mind sent my mind back and for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to reminisce.

Aqua ruined it because she hates me, of course. “Listen, Nav.”

To what? The music? I was trying.

“No, to the griffins. Listen to what they’re saying.”

I really wasn’t interested in eavesdropping, but she wouldn’t be wasting my time if it wasn’t important. Instead of doing my mental health some good and thinking back to better days, I started listening to all the street gripes of common peasants.

The one in particular she was talking about was easy to identify. It was right behind my shoulder, from two griffins sitting on the other side of the bench. “It’s just not right. That little princess should be out here!”

“The lot of them should be,” the other one said. “Only one I’ve seen so far was the young prince who sold himself off.”

“But the little one shoulda been the one sellin’ herself! She still doesn’t even have any prospects!”

“What can we expect from the royals, anymore? When even the king chooses to abandon his duties, what can you say for his children?” the first one darkly replied. “It was the ponies, I bet. He only started acting like that after getting back from their capital! Then he arrested his own cousin and started throwing away all his power!”

“It don’t seem right to speak ill of a griffin on his deathbed,” the other sternly replied. “King Bloodbeak always did what he thought was best. In a way, he was right. This new system will take some getting used to, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. In a way, it reduces the possible damage the ponies could do in the future! Instead of just influencing one king, they’ll have to influence all of parliament!”

“It’s just a whole lot of hooey! We need a strong king to keep us united! This parliament is just an attempt to divide us. They’ll spend all their time bickering about a problem that a king could just solve immediately.”

“I believe in the process. Griffins are united. This just gives everyone the ability to voice their own viewpoints through public mouthpieces.”

“And as each one takes their turn, our enemies would act. A king can just act!”

“And at times of emergency, he will. That is why he still has some power. But when problems are not severe, the public should be allowed to weigh in on issues. It may take some power from the king, but only to give it to us!”

“Bah! Useless propaganda. Let’s just go. I don’t wanna hear you spouting that filth.”

“Tch, whatever. I heard there’s a play a few blocks over. I’ll lead the way.”

They both walked off, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

“Or not so alone,” Aqua said. “This is worrying, Nav.”

It’s one conversation.

“What one says, ten think. Gilda might be right to fear a coup, Nav.”

Perhaps. There’s not much we can really do to prevent that, though. All I can do is react when it happens.

“So you think,” she said, almost sounding disappointed. “If we work to address problems, perhaps they will regain their faith in the royal family.”

Well, I was going to see Gilda anyway. Maybe I can get her out into the festival.

“That is a step in the right direction. I will begin thinking on the other matters.”

I was hoping that would make her shut up for a while so I could go back to thinking. Unfortunately, by that point, it was too late. Despite myself, I kept hearing other conversations. None that were as detailed as that one, but I’d hear pieces from people passing by.

After maybe half an hour of listening, I knew two things for certain. First, that Rosie was an overnight sensation after what happened on the first day. The fact that no one knew what happened to her after the griffin bought her only added to the allure. If she persisted, she would be quite the local legend.

And second, I knew that the royal family was not very popular right now at all. Most of what I heard was bad and not many people seemed willing to openly support them. It was honestly slightly troubling.

Aqua finally interrupted me again. “You’ll need to feed soon.” I blinked myself back to the present. “You didn’t get any emotion from Twilight before you left, so you’ll need some soon to keep up your disguise. You should have enough energy left to transform into something more enticing to lure in some lust.”

Sure enough, I could feel myself going hollow. I slid out of the seat and jumped into the air to look for another empty alley. They were in much shorter supply now that the festival was getting more active. I had to dismiss several that were too close to revelers. I finally settled on one and settled down into it.

After I was sure that nobody was coming near me, I turned into Blackberry again. I wasn’t going to risk being Rosie while a changeling, so it had to be an anonymous pony. “Now then, let’s go bag us a griffin.”

“Oooh, you said us!”

“The royal us. You can go fuck yourself.”

She giggled and pinched my cheeks. “I know what you really meant, Nav.” Ignoring her was obviously the right idea, so I began exiting the alleys. “Would you like directions?” she sweetly asked.

“No.”

“Very well,” she said with a giggle.

After that, she made snarky comments or just laughed every time I turned a corner. Of course, she zipped her lips as soon as I turned the last corner to the marketplace I had been aiming at. Nobody would care about me coming out of an alley into a bazaar and I could walk around until I blended in.

I grinned smugly and made my way into the market. A few griffins looked up, but the only ones that continued to stare at me were obviously looking at my… assets. I made sure to give them a good view as I kept going.

“That would have been a good opportunity to get a lot of lust as quickly as possible,” Aqua said.

I’m not just gonna appear out of an alley and immediately ask for sex. That sounds like a complete setup. They might go for it, but they’d be suspicious and might notice me feeding.

“So you do put some thought into these things. You know, when it comes to sex.”

Man, back off my life. What’s wrong with liking the way you are?

“Because you are an abomination, Navarone. You wield so much power, yet you do not realize its consequences! You must be guided so you can learn a proper respect for what you can do!”

And just when have I ever abused my power?

“When you murdered that kobold,” she said. “That might have permanently soured our relationship with them! This could have been the death knell of an entire species, just because you had to get your selfish revenge!”

That was not revenge. That was vengeance. Do unto others as they do unto you. So expect no mercy when I get the upper hand. I will either force you to obey me or I will destroy you.

“Your empty threats are so amusing to me, Navarone,” she said. “But I’m afraid that when we become friends in front of Twilight, they’re going to have to stop. There might have to be some punishments if you don’t.”

That’s when I stopped listening. I don’t negotiate with terrorists or dictators. Wandering the market was demanding all of my attention anyway. The festival had definitely hit the place and there was free food everywhere. I couldn’t smell any of it and even looking at it made me feel kinda queasy.

Because of that, I wandered over to the crafting area. A few smithies were open and seemed to be selling commemorative items. I guess even sex festivals have merchandise.

I didn’t have enough money to buy anything great, but some of the items were neat. If I ever had any more cash, I decided to try and come back.

As it was, walking around there made me feel comfortable enough to start hunting for events where I could find some prey. Maybe a minute after I started walking, Aqua said, “We’re being followed.”

Who?

“A dark grey griffin. He’s following you, about thirty feet back.”

Feet?

“...Fine. Ten meters. There, are you happy?”

No, you’re still in me. I turned to look at a stall so I could get a glance on the guy. It took me a second, but I spotted him. He was moving closer, trying not to seem too obvious. It seemed like he kept looking toward me, though. Think it’s malicious?

“I don’t know. I’ll have to watch for a little while.”

Then I hope you’re paying attention. I finally started walking straight toward the guy. He noticed immediately and froze. When I finally got up to him, I got slightly too close for his comfort level and lifted my hoof. “My name is Blackberry! What’s yours?”

Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t a grin and a hoofshake. One of his talons awkwardly took mine and he shook it once before letting go. “Ah, my mistake, ma’am. From a distance, I uh... thought you were someone I knew.”

I withdrew my hoof, though I kept on my grin. “Well, sorry to disappoint! Have a nice day, sir!” Before he could retort, I pranced away.

“You know, until now, I always thought you were actually stupid. Now that I realize you were just pretending, it really does make me feel better.”

Do you feel good enough to let me go?

“No.”

Is he still following me?

“I don’t know if he’s still following us.”

I stopped the prancing, but I did continue walking away. If there was any chance he might want to keep following me, I needed to get away quickly. To that end, I took the first alley I found. It was a larger one, so I was hoping to just pass over streets. Before I could decide what to do, I saw him standing where I had entered, staring at me.

“Did you need something, sir?” I asked.

“I think I smell changeling scum!”

I fucking booked it down the alley, hoping to lose him. He was a lot larger at the moment and knew his body better, so he easily kept up with me. The only reason he didn’t catch me is because I kept finding more corners to turn down. Finally, I realized I was at the end of the line as I came to a dead end.

The griffin skidded around the corner and then grinned when he saw he had me trapped. It was unfortunate, because I really hadn’t wanted it to come to this. “Nowhere left to run, changeling,” he said, slowly stepping forward. I wanted to be as far back as possible so he wouldn’t have a chance to get away, so I began backing up until I hit the wall. He chuckled and said, “Now, for giving me a chase like that, I might have a little fun with ya first. Well, after roughing you up a bit. But don’t worry, you’ll live to see the dungeons.”

“You’re really kind of an asshole,” I said.

Right before he could pounce and an instant before I changed, something held him in place. “That is no way to treat a lady,” Shining Armor said, turning the corner.

“Shiny?” I suddenly exclaimed. Seeing him was a complete and total shock.

When I said that, he dropped his guard and the griffin broke free. Instead of charging me, he spun to look at Shining Armor. “This ain’t no lady! It’s a disgusting bug! I can smell it on her!”

Here’s hoping Shining Armor doesn’t freak out. In response, I turned into a tyranid and pointed some heavy spikes at the guy. Shining Armor flinched, but he made it seem like it was from the griffin yelling at him. “I don’t see how that excuses this kind of behavior. Just because she’s a changeling doesn’t mean she committed a crime.”

“Well, what are you gonna do to stop me, little pony?” the griffin snarled.

“Nothing. I think she’s fine on her own,” he replied with a big grin. The griffin suddenly whirled around and saw me. I shrieked in his face and his mouth dropped. When I started moving closer, he bolted. Shining Armor neatly stepped aside, letting him pass. Once the guy was out of earshot, Shining turned back and said, “Looks like your unlucky day, changeling. Not too many griffins can see through a changeling’s disguise.”

I warped back to my normal changeling form and said, “I didn’t know any of them could.”

“As I said, it’s a very rare skill. It’s not so much sight as it is smell, though. Something to do with their predator’s nose. Honestly, I was kind of hoping to take him in. He threatened you. If he catches another changeling out there…”

“Then chase him. I will go my own way.”

He stepped back in front of me before I could. “Not even a thank you?”

“Thank you for letting me walk away.”

“Well, I never said that.” A magical chain suddenly appeared between me and him. “I absolutely mean you no harm, but I have questions for you. So we’re going somewhere more comfortable.”

“I don’t—” With a loud pop, we suddenly appeared in a sizeable suite. It looked like some kind of hotel room.

“I really do apologize, but I just can’t let you go without asking some questions first.”

God dammit. Time to come up with a bunch of lies. “Ask what you wish,” I sighed.

Before he could say anything, a familiar pink alicorn walked out of the bathroom. “Um. Why is there a changeling in here?”

“I need to ask her some questions,” Shiny said. “I helped her against an irate griffin, where I discovered she was a changeling. She won’t be here long.”

“She shouldn’t be here at all. She’s a changeling in Gryphus. Give her to the guards and they’ll throw her in the dungeon until they can get her shipped to a hive.” What the fuck? I thought Cadance was okay with changelings now.

“She called me Shiny,” Shining Armor said. “Not many people out there who do that.”

“Who cares what a changeling called you?” Cadance asked. “Maybe she’s just a drone and saw something shiny.”

“She has pupils. Definitely not a drone. I’m not exactly an expert judge of changelings, so I don’t recognize you, but you seem to know me. Why?”

“We have a mutual acquaintance,” I said.

“I see. And why exactly are you in Gryphus?”

“I am here because of that mutual acquaintance. She is a person of much repute and my queen wanted her protected.”

“Is that mutual acquaintance my wife, perhaps?”

“No. It is entirely happenstance that you found me. Our paths simply collided. If you release me, you will never see me again.”

“Well… I do pride myself on being a good judge of character. And it seems that you can keep a secret quite well, too.”

“I will never tell a soul that I saw you or your wife. I just want to go on my way.”

“Good,” Cadance said. “Let it go. We still need to make plans.”

Shiny grinned. “I had some thoughts on that, actually. After turning yourself into that horrific monster, I’m sure you’re pretty hungry. And if you are here to guard someone else, you might not have much time to safely feed. Since you’re not going to tell a soul you saw us anyway, how about we help you recharge?”

“I… I… What?”

“Absolutely not!” Cadance shouted. “A changeling? I was willing to try a griffin, but absolutely no changelings!”

“Oh come on, she can become a griffin!” Shiny said. What the fuck is going on?

“Why… why are you two here?” I slowly asked.

Shining Armor grinned and walked over to his wife, who was slowly starting to blush more and more as she realized what she had said. When he got to her, he threw his leg over her shoulder and pulled her close. “My loving wife here needs a break,” Shining Armor said. “So we’re here to loosen up a little, have some real fun. We’ve just had a hard time finding someone trustworthy enough. You’re a changeling spy, so I’m sure you already know all about us anyway.”

“There’s no way they know!” Cadance said. “Absolutely no way!”

“Oh, please. Nav wasn’t exactly subtle about it. He’s told Celestia, Twilight, Moonbeam, and who knows who else. He knows every single one of our secrets, silly.”

Cadance started to grow more and more red-faced until it looked like she was actually about to cry.

After a few seconds of watching her, it clicked. “I think I discovered one more secret,” I slowly said.

“Oh?” Shiny sweetly asked with a grin. Cadance looked at me in horror and started shaking her head.

“I think you two like switching bodies…”

Cadance… Er, Shining Armor finally burst into tears and jumped back into the bathroom so… he could slam the door behind him. “You told me no one would ever know!”

“I certainly didn’t tell her,” Cadance in Shining Armor’s body said. “And come on, it’s not like it matters! Don’t be ashamed, honey.”

“Get that stupid bug out of here!”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go,” I said, finally walking toward the door. A magical wall stopped me, though. “Wildfire.” Something clicked and I seemed to phase out of existence for a moment before materializing again.

“This place is warded against teleportation,” Cadance said.

God dammit. “I have a gift I can give in exchange for letting me go.”

“Oh?”

“It’s an experimental salve that greatly increases sensitivity. If you rub it in your… husband, he’ll turn into a mess instantly. I’ll give you a whole bottle, enough for two doses.”

“I’ll take it… if you show us how to apply it.”

“I… would really rather not.”

“You look pretty haggard. You need the energy. Go ahead, try to turn into something.” God dammit. I tried for something small, but really didn’t have the energy. I had forgotten how tiring turning into a tyranid was. “I promise we won’t hurt you. You may even have some fun. And if you really aren’t interested after you show us how to apply it, we’ll find another way to help.”

God dammit, Cadance. “Alright, fuck this,” I said, grabbing her. “Come over here.” I dragged her to the far side of the room so Shiny couldn’t hear us. “I’m actually Navarone. I’m here as a changeling with Twilight.”

She grinned and said, “I know. I had a lie detecting spell on you from the beginning and figured it out along the way. It’s nice to see you!”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I finally asked.

“I’m here to get my slutty little wife fucked,” he said. “For some reason, my stamina is really great as a stallion, even though hers is pretty poor, so we’re here to have a threesome! It took ages to talk her into it and I’m sure she’s really regretting it now, but I want this to be fun for her. So… wanna join us?”

“…Are you seriously asking me to have a threesome?”

“No, actually. I’m asking you help me apply that salve on her. Then, if you’re interested in getting some lust, you may do whatever you want to Shining Armor after I’m through with her.”

I really need the fucking energy. If I can’t change before I leave, I’m gonna get arrested immediately. “God dammit. If you can’t convince him, you’ll find another way to feed me. If you can, I’ll help you apply the salve, but no promises after.”

“Deal.” He immediately started trotting back to the bathroom. “Oh honey!” When he got there, he knocked on the door. “Can I please come in?”

“Is the changeling gone?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Go away!” Cadance sighed and used magic to unlock the door, then let herself in. Some kind of magic muted the bathroom and she closed the door behind her.

As soon as she did, I looked at the door. It was still blocked by magic. The window wouldn’t budge. There was a mouse hole, but I couldn’t escape that way without being able to change. “Wildfire.” Nothing happened at all. Twilight told me it was a one time use, so I wasn’t surprised. “This is going to be interesting.”

“I’m not surprised you found yourself in this situation,” Aqua said. “Your recklessness is its own undoing. I can’t believe Kat and Watcher let you out of the house without at least one shadow.”

I decided to roll with it, just to spite Aqua.

“And so you’re going to have sex with the one you called a sister,” she sighed, sounding almost disappointed. “You truly have fallen so far.”

You heard her. I’ll just be fucking her husband.

“Yeah, in her body.”

If they changed once, they can change again.

“So now you’re fucking your sister’s husband.”

Why do you hate fun?

“Because you’re the one having it, duh.”

And now the truth comes out.

Cadance and Shining Armor came out a few seconds later. Shiny was looking my way with a grin. “Hey, Nav. Why didn’t you just say it was you?”

“You told him?!”

“Of course I told her,” Cadance said. “I’m not going to lie to or manipulate my wife.”

“Your husband,” his wife corrected him.

“Well, now that you both know the truth, you can just pump me full of energy and send me on my way,” I said.

“I thought we were gonna have sex first,” Shiny said.

“You… want to have sex with me here?” I slowly asked.

“I’d prefer a threesome, actually.” My mouth dropped. “But I wouldn’t mind you just watching, either.”

“It seems the great Navarone is speechless,” Cadance said with a smirk. “What’s the matter, Navi? I thought you’d be happy Shiny wants to sleep with you! You seemed to be interested in her, after all…”

“He didn’t say he wanted to fuck me,” I finally replied. “He said he wanted a threesome.”

“With someone I can trust,” Shiny said. “You might tell everypony about it, but at least I know it’ll be worth it. And as long as it’s with my wife’s permission, I’d also be okay with just you alone.”

“You have it,” Cadance immediately replied. “As long as I get to watch.”

“You both have problems,” I sighed, hanging my buggy head.

“I think in this case, you’re the one with the problem,” Cadance said. “We both think it’s perfectly fine. You’re the only one here who has an issue with it.”

“I wouldn’t say the only one,” Aqua replied. “And I’m proud of you for feeling uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I know you’re still going through with it all just to spite me.”

I finally pulled my bag around and popped it open. “Here’s the vial,” I said, holding it up. “It’s highly refined spider venom. Normally, it would make you incredibly sensitive and also paralyze you. This greatly increases sensation in a certain area and when it wears off, you feel numb for a few hours.”

“How long is a few hours?” Cadance asked. “I’m not putting anything on my vagina if it’ll last too long!”

“Maybe twelve or so,” I said with a shrug. “We went to bed right after and it was numb when I woke up, but it didn’t last more than an hour or two after I actually noticed it. I was helping alpha test it.”

“Then I’m fine with it,” Cadance said. “So how do we apply it to my wife?”

“Your husband,” his wife corrected.

“Preferably with a toy or magic,” I replied. “Use it like lube on a toy and just jam it in there, then leave it in for a few minutes as the poison takes effect. Once she’s good, pull it out and go to town. I’m not sure if it’ll also affect your penis when you start dicking her down, so you might be in for a surprise.”

“Your partner didn’t say?” Shiny asked.

“She didn’t have a penis, so she couldn’t exactly test it.”

“And she didn’t use her talons?” he asked. “I thought that was the whole point of doing it with a griffin!”

“It wasn’t a griffin.”

“...Oh. Never mind.”

I finally passed the vial to Cadance. “Do with it as you would. I’m gonna go into the bathroom to think about what I’ve done.”

“What have you done?” she asked as she took it.

“Ended up in this situation,” I sighed as I started walking into the bathroom.

“There’s nothing stopping you from enjoying this,” Shining Armor said before I could close the door. “Fate brings us together at the strangest of times, Nav. After everything you’ve said, I know there’s at least some attraction there. Why not just let this happen?”

“Because I have absolutely no business in anyone else’s marriage.”

“Even if we’re both openly inviting you?” Cadance asked with a grin.

“That shit’s creepy, fam,” I replied.

“Love should be shared, Nav,” Cadance said. “I understand you may not think of me in that way, but that’s no reason to force Shiny to go without!”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna go ahead and lock myself in the bathroom now. You two have fun.” I finally walked in and shut the door. Locking it was pointless, but the loud click it made satisfied me.

“It’s not too late,” Aqua said. “Tell them you absolutely refuse. Cadance has the spell that can pump you full of love.”

“...I’m thinking,” I sighed.

“You know it feels wrong. You know it would make things awkward!”

Wasn’t it you who told me I should start making big changes?

“And you think this is the place to start?”

To upset you the most, yeah. It may feel weird and squicky, but if it means I piss you off, it’s worth it.

“That’s a very… problematic mindset. I will allow you to misbehave for now, if only to show you the consequences of your actions. But once you return to Canterlot, you will become a proper little lady.”

We’ll just see about that.

“Yes, we will,” Aqua confirmed. “We’ll both watch you turn into a wonderful, beautiful young lady. You’re gonna get to be my Barbie doll, Navi!” The very thought of it made me shiver in disgust. “Oh, you’ll come around. Whether you like it or not.”

And just like that, I made up my mind. I unlocked the door and stepped back out. Both of them were standing in front of it with the widest grins on their faces, like they just knew I was coming. “Shut your whore mouths. I’m gonna critique you, Cadance. And then if I’m in the mood, I’m gonna plow your husband in the ass.”

“Sounds good to me,” she said with a nod.

“Wait, what?” Shining Armor asked.

“I ain’t havin’ sex with Cadance’s body. That would be gay. So you two can swap back and I can turn male. Everybody wins!”

“What about me?!”

“I brought the cage,” Cadance happily said. “And a few other odds and ends! Just think, Shiny: It’ll be like the strapon, but so much better!”

“And that’s the only way I’ll touch you,” I said with a nod. “If I have to feel weird about it, so do you!”

“Sounds fair to me,” Cadance said with a nod. “Now let’s get that poison applied.” He floated his wife over to the bed and plopped her down.

“Are you sure we can’t talk about this some more?” Shiny nervously asked.

“You heard her, honey,” Cadance said. “If you wanna have sex with Nav, it’ll have to be with both of you as guys!”

“Yeah, but—”

“Yep,” I said. “Your butt, being penetrated a lot. That’s the deal, Shiny. You got some time to think about it. Though I have no idea what a cage has to do with anything. Where are you even keeping it?”

That made Cadance giggle and Shiny blush. “L-let’s just do this,” Shining Armor finally muttered.

As the two of them started getting weird, I hopped up on a chair and tried not to be creepy. “You know this feels wrong,” Aqua said. “There are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I swear I won’t hold it over your head if you just back out. You know you don’t want to be here.”

To be quite honest, I had expected my day to go very differently. I knew that I would be doing some weird stuff at the festival, but this was… out there. I’m really not sure I want a piece of this.

Truth be told, it didn’t even look like they needed me there. Cadance was apparently a very loving partner. “It’s not too late for you to ask to leave,” she said. “Just put your foot down. You don’t do that often enough.”

Forgive me for not trying to fight back. I happen to know there’s not much I can do to you.

“Not just to me,” she said. “In general. You’re really kind of a push-over. You used to be different. What happened?”

Is now really the time for this talk?

“Would you rather join the party?” she sweetly asked. Cadance was still preparing his wife’s body for the poison, but it was involving a lot more kissing than I’d expect. Truth be told, it did look warm and comfy. “You’re better than this, Nav,” she said. “You don’t want to be here. All that’s keeping you here is you. Say the word and they’ll let you go. Or stay and spite me. Give in to what they want for you.”

Is that supposed to be better than what you want for me? Cadance is a friend. I’d rather do what she wants than what you want.

“And what about what you want, Nav. Did you forget about that?”

You’ve never seemed overly concerned about that before.

“You haven’t either. Why is that, I suppose?”

“So do you guys do this often?” I asked.

“Do what?” Cadance asked, pulling away from his wife to look up at me.

“Swap bodies. Hell, where’d you even get the idea?”

“Oh, from you.” He patted his wife’s thigh and grinned. “Remember that night when Luna showed up at your house very late one night?”

“Yep. That was Celestia. Luna swapped bodies with her.”

“Right. I learned how.”

“But Shiny hated his time as a girl,” I said. “He told me to hide the stones forever.”

“Oh, because she was ashamed,” Cadance said, making his wife whimper and blush even more. “But after seeing you as you are, I convinced her to give it a try.”

“...As I am?” I slowly asked.

“Permanently a mare, like it or not,” Cadance said with a shrug. “But you seem to be doing well despite it. Shiny thought you’d hate sex now, but when she learned that you just want it more…”

“Shut up,” his cute little wife finally said.

“I’m not here to judge,” I said with a shrug. “Just getting a feel for the room. I still definitely prefer sex as a man, myself. I can just have more of it now.” Aqua snorted, but both of them seemed to accept that. “So I gotta say, I really perverted this fairytale marriage. I hope both of you forgive me for that.”

“If we didn’t forgive you, we wouldn’t have invited you!” Cadance said. “I understand that this is kinda weird for you, but I’m willing to work with it.”

So I have two choices. I can talk about my feelings with a shitty robot or I can have weird, kinky sex.

“It’s not too late to put a stop to it…” Aqua sweetly said.

“Are you ready?” Cadance expectantly asked his wife.

Shining Armor took a deep breath and slowly let it out. When she was done, she nodded. “Let’s do it.”

(Incoming lewdness. Ctrl+f “What have I done” to skip)

Cadance lifted a smallish toy and floated the vial over. “So you said to use half of it?” she asked.

“Yep. That said, I was a regular pegasus at the time. I don’t know if there’s any difference between alicorns and pegasi that would require more or less.”

“None that I know of,” Shiny said.

“Good enough for me.” Cadance slowly tilted the vial until some of the slimy fluid ran out onto the toy. He kept it going until half the bottle was on it. “And it acts as lube?”

“Sure does,” I replied with a nod. “It’s kinda cold and slimy, though.”

“Ugh,” Shiny sighed.

“Don’t be a silly filly,” Cadance said, floating the toy closer with magic. When it pressed open his wife’s slit, Shiny lightly moaned and gripped one of Cadance’s hooves with hers. “Just relax and let it happen, honey,” he whispered as the toy continued moving in.

So I guess sex between people who love each other is a lot more tender and loving. Who knew?

“Only everybody ever,” Aqua sarcastically replied.

Once the toy was firmly in place, Shiny slowly let go of her husband’s hoof. “That’s not too bad,” she uncertainly said.

“You say that now,” I replied. “Wait until it takes effect.”

“...Um.”

Cadance slowly grinned. “Nav never did explain just how effective it was…”

“You’re about to make some very amusing faces,” I said. “And I hope you have some water here. You might end up dehydrated from drooling and cumming too much.”

“...It’s not too late to pull it out, right?” she asked.

“Oh, live a little!” Cadance said. “We’re on vacation! If we have this stuff, we should put it to good use!”

Shiny sighed and nodded. “Fine. When will I know it’s working?”

“Oh, you’ll know,” I said. “Trust me, you’ll know. Until then, you have a perfectly functioning mouth, right? Might as well put it to use getting your husband going, right?”

“My wife,” Shining Armor hastily corrected.

“Your husband thinks Navi is right,” Cadance said with a smirk. She hopped up onto the bed and presented her stallionhood to Shiny. “Go on, honey.”

“I think she would like slut more than honey,” I said.

Shiny shot me a glare, but couldn’t respond since her mouth was already full.

“I think I might prefer slut more than honey,” Cadance replied. “Your mouth is like magic, slut.” Shiny moaned around the cock, so I assume she actually did like it.

“Don’t be afraid to put your hoof on the back of her head, too,” I added. “Guide her where you want.”

“I don’t wanna be too rough,” Cadance said.

“She’ll be fine as long as you’re careful. Having a grip on her just lets you make her stop where you want her to, so she can circle the tip or let it go all the way down. It lets you go at your pace instead of hers. Remember, you’re the big, strong stallion here and she is the one pleasuring you. So show her how it’s done.”

“...If you insist.” He finally placed his hoof on the back of his wife’s head. “If I’m too rough, just let me know.” Shiny moaned again and Cadance started making her head bob. “Mmm…”

“See there?” I asked.

“I suppose being on both sides of this has given you a… oooh, better perspective, huh?”

“Something like that. Receiving is much better than giving.”

“Agreed,” Cadance happily sighed. “Though Shiny is so cute when he squirms under me!”

“Can’t deny that,” I said with a shrug. “Making a guy moan or curse is always fun.”

Shiny finally pulled back with a loud pop. “I-it’s starting to get… w-warm!”

“That means it’s working,” I said. “Give it another minute or two and you’ll really feel it kick in.”

“Can’t we just… try it now?” she slowly asked.

“Yo momma ain’t raise no bitch. Now put that mouth back to work, slut.” Cadance actually pushed Shiny back in front of his glistening dick. Shiny eyed it uncertainly for a moment before continuing her duty.

“See, this is why you should have done that threesome with us way back when,” Cadance said. “You have so much you could teach us! Shiny and I were each other’s firsts, so we don’t really have that much experience…”

Well, Shiny was your first. He can’t really say the same. “Honestly, I don’t want to be doing it now. I just really don’t want to get arrested for being a changeling and this is the only way I can get energy at the moment.”

“You know you’ll enjoy this,” Cadance sweetly said, pushing his wife down to the hilt. Shiny’s tongue slurped out and she lapped at Cadance’s balls. “Mmm, your mouth is wonderful, slut!”

“So how’s it feel to suck a cock, Shiny?” I asked. “Like the taste? Like how it feels down your throat?” She moaned, but Cadance wouldn’t let her pull all the way back to whine. “That’s right, keep on working it like the whore you are.”

“You don’t have to be mean,” Cadance said.

“I’m just about willing to bet she gets off to humiliation and teasing. She may act like she doesn’t like it, but I’m pretty sure she does.”

“...Yeah, you might be right. I’ll have to test it thoroughly later. For now…” Cadance finally let Shiny up for air. She pulled back, gasping slightly for breath. A single strand of spit went from her mouth to Cadance’s stallionhood. “How you feelin’ down there, honey?”

“I-it’s… it’s so… so sensitive!”

“That means it’s done,” I said. “Take the toy out and go to town.”

Cadance finally stepped back from the bed and used magic to slowly extricate the toy. Shiny moaned and squirmed as it came out. By the time it was free, she was dripping wet and panting. “Wow. That stuff is strong,” Cadance said.

“Sure is. So, you just gonna take in the sights or what?”

“P-please,” Shiny whimpered. “I need it!”

“Tch, slut,” I muttered.

Cadance responded by tossing the toy at me and mounting his wife. “I’ll be gentle… at first.” Before Shiny could reply, Cadance kissed her and started inserting his meat.

“I can’t believe you’re just gonna sit here and watch this,” Aqua stuffily said.

It’s weird, but I’ve been through worse.

“And you would rather watch this than talk about your feelings?”

“So how’s it feel?” I asked with a grin. Cadance finally pulled away from the kiss so she could talk.

However, Shiny could only reply with a high-pitched moan.

“I’d say that’s a good sign,” Cadance replied. He was all the way in, at that point, and just waiting for his wife to adjust. “I hope your body is ready… uh, prostitute.”

“Wrong word,” I said. “Prostitutes have sex for money. Slut, whore, skank, or harlot are your choices.”

“Noted.” Cadance finally started withdrawing, making Shiny clutch at the bed for support. When he thrust again, Shiny went cross-eyed and actually screamed out in pleasure as she squirted. “Wow. I didn’t even know I could do that!”

“Shiny’s never made you squirt?” I asked.

“Nope. How’s it feel, honey?”

Nothing like a rational response would be coming from her any time soon. I guess Cadance picked up on that pretty quickly. “Just go for it,” I said. “Turn her into a quivering wreck.”

“With pleasure!” After a few thrusts, Shiny tried pulling away. Cadance giggled and grabbed her hips, holding her in place. “There there, honey! I only just started!”

“Don’t forget her clit,” I said. “You have a horn for a reason.”

“Want me to put it to use on you, Navi?” he sweetly asked as his wife began squealing.

“No. I gotta say, I’m not surprised she’s a squealer.”

“Isn’t she so cute?” Cadance condescendingly asked.

“That’s a word you could use. I kinda think that body suits you better, Shiny,” I said.

“I’m starting to agree,” Cadance said.

Shiny’s reply was another loud moan as she squirted yet again.

“Flip her over,” I said. “Bury her face into the pillow.”

“This is why I invited you, Nav,” he replied as he flipped his exhausted wife over. Before Shiny could collapse, Cadance grabbed her with magic, pulled her ass up, and forced her face against the pillow. “Hope you’re ready!”

Shiny wrapped her front hooves around the pillow. It didn’t help her. Still, a minute or so of watching made me scoff in disgust.

“Ugh, no finesse,” I sighed, shaking my head. “You have to work that bitch. Pull her hair a little. Spank her! Treat her like the slut she is.”

“You really know how to t-treat a mare, Lady Navi!”

“Shut your mouth. You know what all women really want, deep down.”

“...To be fucked like a whore?”

“And then fed tacos.”

“I’m afraid that’s just you,” she replied. “I happen to enjoy a gentler touch, myself.”

“Yeah, that’s all you’ve ever had. No offense, but your husband’s obviously not up to the task.”

Cadance gasped and momentarily stopped thrusting. “Nav!”

“What? Trust me, she’s not paying attention. Shiny, what’s two plus two?”

“T-twenty-two!”

“So keep going. We can talk.”

Cadance sighed and continued thrusting, though he did so vengefully. “Shining is not a bad lover.”

“Cast the lie detecting spell and say that again.”

The vengeful thrusting turned to sullen thrusting. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Name your price,” I said. “You tell me this, I’ll tell you any secret.”

“...Fine. I’m disappointed in sex, Nav. It’s stale. Getting Shiny open enough to do this is exhilarating, but not for me! I am no stallion.”

“You’re definitely fucking her like one.”

She sighed and slowed her pace. “For a while, I wondered how you could feel so lost by just a change of gender. Now that I see what it is like to live in a body not my own, I understand. I’m glad she’s enjoying it, but I’m afraid it’s not doing much for me. Truth be told, I barely even feel this!”

Maybe your cunt is just big. I mean, Shining Armor is a sissy little unicorn and you’re a huge fucking alicorn. “You know what you should do, if this goes well?” I asked.

“What’s that?”

“First off, turn him into a changeling so he can be a chick all he wants. Second, find a few guys in the Crystal Empire you can trust. Then they can fuck the two of you and you can leave me out of this weird-ass shit.”

He snorted and finally slapped his wife’s ass. “There, is that better?”

Shiny moaned, “H-harder!”

I smirked while Cadance looked down at his hoof in wonder. “...Perhaps you’re right.”

“Does that mean I can leave when you’re done?” I asked. “I could totally get some of that lust and just walk out. Hey, I bet you could find a bunch of griffins here who would love to fuck you both like that.”

“Help yourself to the lust,” she said. “Want me to pull her head up? I’m sure she’d be happy to put her tongue to use.”

“No, I’m good. I’m pretty sure I don’t even need to do anything. Let’s find out.” I hopped off the couch and walked over. I didn’t want to get too close to Cadance, so I flew up onto the bed and pressed my horn against Shiny’s side. The feeling of lust was overwhelming and it hit me like a truck. My eyes slammed wide open and I instantly felt myself get wet.

“How’s my wife taste?” Cadance sweetly asked.

“Honestly? Like a whore. It’s obvious she’s more comfortable as a mare. I picked up so much residual lust that I am sopping wet. I’m uh… Gonna go sit down.” I started to walk away, but something grabbed my tail. “No thank you,” I immediately said.

“...I’m not doing anything,” Cadance said.

Shiny shot straight up, knocking her husband back. “You’re not going anywhere!” she shouted. One of her hooves wrapped around Cadance and she hobbled over to the bathroom, dragging her husband behind her. Her magic kept me in place the whole time.

“...What just happened?” I asked when the bathroom door closed.

“You just trash talked him really, really hard,” Aqua said. “Did you expect he would just take it?”

“Honestly? I thought it would turn her on.”

The bathroom door burst open a moment later and Shiny walked out in his own body, glaring at me. He flipped me over onto my back and forced me onto the mattress. “You talk a lot of shit, Nav. I’ll make you a deal.”

“You know, I got my fill of lust. I’d really rather just go.”

“Please. I need this.”

“That sounds really gay. It also sounds like a you problem. I’ll hear you out, but no promises.”

“Give me a chance to rut you. If I cum before you do, you can do unto me as you wish in whatever body you please.”

“And if you win?”

“Then I win! That’s good enough for me.”

Man. That’s honestly kind of sad. “You know what, I’m gonna have to take a rain check on that. It was nice to see you guys, but I’m just gonna scoot on out.”

His entire body slumped and the magic released me. Before I could get off the very wet bed, a bedraggled Cadance entered the room. “N-Nav, please… You saw how I am as a lover. Perhaps you could do for him what I could not.”

“...Look, Cadance. You both like getting fucked in the ass, right? Surely there are a few guards you could ask to—”

“I will not force my subjects to deal with my problems!” Shiny shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “Really, Nav. I thought you’d be more insulted. This is a challenge. Do you really think you can’t beat me?”

Aqua sighed. “Give him a break, Nav. You’ve already come this far and you were willing to have sex with him anyway…”

Fuck it. I shrugged and said, “I really just don’t want to have sex with you. No offense, but it wouldn’t be worth it.” He grit his teeth. “But tell you what. If you really wanna do this, we will. But remember that I’m a changeling. If you insist on this, I’m gonna make you regret it.”

A dark grin spread across his face. “Do your worst.”

I grinned right back and turned into myself, minus the shitty tails and with only feathery wings. “Come on over, Shiny! Your wife never has to know…”

“...Is that really your worst?” he asked, his grin slowly fading.

“Oooh, I see somebody has a human fetish.” I spread my legs and used my fingers to open my slit for him. “Come on over, stud! I need it!”

“A prince never leaves a lady waiting!” he said, marching over to the bed. “Mmm, you actually look pretty good under all those clothes, Nav. Not as much hair as I was expecting, but I love how exotic it is!”

“I sure do hope you can fuck as good as you can talk, Shiny.”

I did not at all like the awful smirk that came across his face. “You see, about that… You didn’t mention anything about me using magic.” My eyes widened right as he gagged me and flipped me over onto my back. He held me down and I felt something cold, slimy, and hard entering me. “Good thing we only used half of that poison. That’s gonna make this so much easier, as if the lust you ate earlier wasn’t enough.”

“Now that’s just mean,” Cadance said, though the giggle she added at the end made me assume she wouldn’t do anything to stop him.

“I learned alllll about cheating from watching Navi here,” Shiny said, harshly slapping my ass. It made me moan, of course. “She’s taught me everything I need to know to win, even against her!”

“And of course, she also taught you plenty about pleasing the right kind of mare,” Cadance said. “At least, if you were listening at all while I was going to town on you.”

“I was, despite what she was thinking.” Some of his magic moved to my clit and started stroking it, making me shiver in delight. A little bit more of his magic started tweaking my boobs and nipples, making me moan through his magical gag yet again. “It’s about time I had a chance to beat you, Nav. After everything you’ve done to me, I’d say this was a long time coming!”

I’ve never done a thing to him. What the hell is he talking about?

“Don’t even try to play that game,” Aqua said. “Cadance gave you quite a long list fairly recently of all your misdeeds against poor Shining Armor. I honestly have to agree with him: This comeuppance was a long time coming.”

You are the worst elemental ever.

“Then it’s only fitting that I should be paired with the worst host ever. It’s like we just belong together, Navi!”

“So how’s it feel?” Shiny asked. It felt like some of his magic started probing at my darker hole, but he didn’t actually violate it yet.

Since I was still gagged, all I could do was moan in pleasure. Despite definitely not liking the situation, I couldn’t deny that what he was doing felt amazing. The poison on the toy hadn’t taken effect just yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time. I really didn’t want to deal with that all day, but I was hoping I could ignore it.

“I knew you’d get off to being held down and forcefully used like the little whore you are,” Shiny cruelly replied, finally stretching my other hole open and sliding a small rod of magic inside.

“So do you actually like how humans look?” Cadance asked. “Celestia used a spell to turn me into one before. According to Nav, I was beautiful. I’d be happy to learn it for you!”

“I do, but I love you just as you are,” Shiny replied. I snorted, so he spanked me again. “But I’m always willing to try new things…”

“Maybe when you’re done with your new toy. I wouldn’t want to make her jealous, after all…”

The poison was finally started to take effect. I could feel it resonating in me and slowly warming up as it worked against my poor, abused vagina. “You’re in for quite a ride,” Aqua said. “Shiny may not last long, but I guarantee that you won’t last a second when he gets going.”

So are you gonna do anything about this? Aren’t you supposed to protect me?

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have made this bet, Navi. I certainly see no need to interfere.”

Bitch.

Cadance finally walked over and hopped up on the bed next to me. “I’m looking forward to watching my hubby use you like a cheap buck hole, Navi. I bet the faces you’ll make are gonna be so cute!”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who finds that creepy.

“You’re not,” my mostly useless elemental thankfully confirmed.

“I’m not sure she wants you that close,” Shiny said. “I think she was trying to do some roleplaying thing where I was cheating on you.”

“That was before you tricked her, silly! Now I bet she’ll want something soft to hold onto.”

“Then she can use a pillow, not my wife,” he replied, floating me a pillow. I immediately snagged it and tucked it under me so it propped me up. “See there?”

“Well, too bad. I want a front row view!”

The heat in my nethers was starting to get unbearable and it felt like my lady juices were finally leaking. I could barely feel his magic on my clit anymore since the heat was so distracting.

When he finally pulled the toy out, I was almost to the point of begging. I was actually glad he had the gag on so he wouldn’t have the satisfaction. “You’re making quite a mess down here, Nav,” he said. “After seeing you at your worst so many times, I have to say, seeing you like this really makes me feel better.”

And now he’s just being purposefully vague.

“Oooh, remember that time she tore your throat out?” Cadance asked. “You should make her pay for it!”

“That’s the plan, honey!” he happily replied. “And not just for that, of course. All those times you were mean to me, all those times you called me Shiny, all those times you saved the day when it should have been me… Let’s just say that this is a long time coming!”

Gee, I’m sorry for acting to help you. If I had known you were gonna be such a bitch about it—

My thoughts were rudely interrupted by the feeling of his warm, fuzzy body mounting mine. His horse cock stiffly pressed against my slit, but he didn’t push in just yet. “What do you think, honey?” he asked. “Wanna hear her beg for it?”

“Nope! Make her feel like the mare she is!”

“The woman she is, dear,” he gently corrected as he started easing in. A low moan escaped my gag and I gripped the pillow tighter. “The slutty woman. Oooh, she’s so tight!”

“Tighter than me?” his wife rudely asked.

Shiny apparently decided that wasn’t worth replying to. Either that or I missed the reply as he started picking up steam. Since I had already tried the stupid shitty poison once, I knew what to expect, but that really didn’t do anything to prepare me for the ridiculous sensations Shiny’s normally shitty cock was feeding me.

The pleasure mounted faster than I could ever fight back. Soon enough, I tried screaming around the gag as I squirted all over his lower body and the bed. “That’s what I thought!” he shouted as he kept pounding away. “Where’s that smack talk now, huh?!”

“I was right, she is cute when she cums!”

At that point, I couldn’t have told them to fuck off even if I wasn’t gagged. There was no way anything sensible would be coming out of my mouth any time soon, that’s for damn sure. All I could do was squeak and moan as he continued treating me like a horny piece of meat.

After about another minute or so of his abusing me, I felt a huge orgasm come and my entire body froze, then burst into flames as I reverted back to my changeling form. The heat and suddenness of it forced Shiny back and broke his magical gag over me, letting me scream as the waves of pleasure overtook my body, leaving my entire form shaking.

“I’d say you definitely won,” Cadance said when her husband had recovered.

“Absolutely,” he replied with a nod. He was probably smirking, but I couldn’t move enough to tell for sure. “It’s about time she learned her place!”

“Now now, you already won,” she said. “There’s no need to be mean anymore. Now, I must admit, I’m honestly kinda jealous. You bucked her so hard you made her revert! You’ve never treated me like that!”

“W-well… I love you! I wouldn’t wanna hurt you…”

Cadance chuckled. “I’m not made of glass, Shiny. I’m a big, grown-up mare. A big, grown-up mare who’s feeling all kinds of horny…”

“I-I’m… I’m still… right here!” I groaned.

“Yes, you are,” Cadance replied. “And you put on quite the show for us, Navi! Now, it’s my turn.” She floated me out of the way and spread her legs for her husband. “So get over here, stud!”

Aqua, wanna be useful?

“Always,” she immediately replied. She did… something that cut of all the sensitivity from that stupid poison bullshit. She also killed every single piece of pleasure I was feeling and granted me use of my back legs again.

I immediately hopped off the bed, of course. “It is well past time for me to go,” I said. “I’m done here. And this is never happening again. If you even ask me, I’m thumping your ears until you give up.”

“Agreed,” Cadance said.

Shiny pressed his hoof against one of my legs and all the juices coating my legs disappeared. “Thank you for doing this, Nav.”

“I don’t know why you even wanted to beat me,” I said. “It’s not like I ever did anything to you.”

“...Uh. What?” he asked.

“You’re a prince. You’re married to a beautiful horse and have an awesome demonspawn kid. I’m literally a soulless monstrosity who completely hates everything about herself and has literally attempted suicide multiple times. You’re living the high life, man.”

“Yeah, but… You’re Nav! You always win anyway! I’ve never beaten you!” Way to gloss over everything I just said.

“So?” I asked.

“...You’ve done so much for me and Cadance that… I dunno, I felt like she depended on you more… And with you always one-upping me in every competition, it felt like… You know...”

“You have an overactive imagination.” I turned into the first female pegasus I could think of, which happened to be Fluttershy. “Now, let’s never speak of this again, please.”

“No can do, Navi!” Cadance said. “I’ll be sure to tell everypony how you helped us!”

“I will do horrible things to you,” I said. “Legal things, but horrible. And I’ll make Shiny help. Anyway, open the window.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Shiny slowly said.

“Open the window.”

“How long are you gonna be in Canterlot?” Cadance asked.

“Dunno yet. I’ll contact you later. Open the window.”

One of them finally relented and used magic to force the window open. I let myself out without another word.

(“What have I done”)

“So that just happened,” Aqua said when I was a few blocks away.

I’m gonna need so much booze to wipe that from my mind…

“Then perhaps you should not have agreed to it.”

Yeah, well, how else can I make you suffer? It’s not the first time I’ve hurt myself just to hurt someone else more.

“The fact that you even consider such a thing to be acceptable just proves how much you need guidance.” Normally, I would take offense to that. This time, though, I kept my peace and continued aimlessly flying. “If there actually are changeling hunters out and about, you should either return to the hotel or find Twilight. It’s not safe for you out here. I highly doubt you’ll run into another incredibly powerful friend to bail you out.”

Never doubt my luck. She was right, though. The chances of one sniffing me out while I was in the air was low, but I wasn’t too interested in taking the risk. I started flying toward the library. So what did you even do to my vagina, anyway?

“I cleansed the poison. It was not difficult.”

If it’s not difficult, why couldn’t Flo do it when I was poisoned by the spiders?

“Because Brook exhausted her. She likely had no strength with which to help you. That, and I love you more than that hussy ever could.”

I disagree with that. Flo made mistakes, but she actually cared about me. She didn’t just want to turn me into the ideal person.

“Then you should not have ruined your relationship with her. After all, if she was still in you, there’s no way I could have taken you as I did.”

Ain’t that the fucking truth. Bitch. I suppose hindsight is 20/20, or whatever. Hell, a small part of me honestly wished that she had secretly implanted me the last time I saw her, but I never was allowed to have anything nice.

The only griffins I saw in the library were the librarians and a bunch of children. The older ones were reading their own books while the younger ones were being read to by the librarians. I really didn’t want to get bothered by them, so I just went right up to the counter, where a very bored looking young hen was idly twirling a pen in her talons.

“Can I help you find something?” she droned when I was standing in front of her.

“I’m looking for somepony, actually,” I replied. “A friend of mine, a purple mare. I believe she said she was going to the library today.”

“Yeah, I saw her come in earlier,” the chick said. “Last I saw, she had a huge stack of books somewhere in the history section, right over there.” She waved the talon that wasn’t holding the pen over to our side, where I could very clearly see a huge sign that read ‘HISTORY’.

“Thank you, ma’am,” I said with a nod. She went back to staring in space as I went to look for my precious little Twiggles.

Sure enough, at a table deep within the library, Twilight sat alone, surrounded only by dozens of books. Since she was completely absorbed in what she was doing, she didn’t notice me walking up. That gave me a pretty good chance to gently nibble on her ear.

Unfortunately, that made her squeak and shoot me with a blast of magic that slammed me against one of the bookshelves, surprising me so much that I lost my disguise again. Aqua transformed me right back as I painfully slid down the side of the shelf. Once Twilight had recovered, she looked at me in complete shock. “Fluttershy?!” she gasped. Once she got over the shock, she ran over to heal me. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Are you alright?”

I groaned and fluttered my wings slightly, testing them both. “I’m fine, Twiggles,” I replied, slowly getting back up to my hooves.

“Ooooh, Nav. That makes much more sense. Why are you Fluttershy?”

“First pegasus I thought of.” I walked over to the table and sat down. Since it looked like I was fine, she took her seat again. “Say, did you know that some griffins can smell disguised changelings?”

Her eyes widened again. “What?” she hissed. “Are you alright?!”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I had a chase on my hands, but I got away with no real issue.”

She sighed in relief. “That’s good. To answer your question, I didn’t know that. How long have you been on the run?”

“I wasn’t being chased for very long. I ended up running into a friend who helped me.”

One of her eyebrows lifted. “Another changeling? You didn’t hurt any of the griffins, did you?”

“Nah, that dude fucking dipped as soon as I turned into something horrifying. And it wasn’t a changeling who helped me. Anyway, you learn anything interesting?”

“Yes, actually, but I’d much rather hear about your day.”

“I wandered around a bit,” I replied with a shrug. “Got to meld in with a crowd and hear some gossip. I also found some neat merchandise that I’d like to pick up as soon as I cash the check I got.” I might also pick up some gifts while I was there. I’m sure a few of the people back in Canterlot would appreciate souvenirs. “I was about to go on the prowl for some emotions when I got caught and had to run. Then I got rescued and did some stuff and now I’m here!”

“...Stuff like what?” she asked. “And rescued by who?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, waving a hoof. “Trust me when I say that you absolutely don’t want to know.”

“I think I should be the judge of that.”

I rolled my eyes, of course. “Fine, then I’ll tell you on two conditions. First, you have to cast the lie detecting spell. And second, you can’t be mad at me.”

“I can accept those conditions. So who was it?”

“It was Cadance in Shining Armor’s body. She’s here with her husband, who was in her body. They were looking for a griffin to have a threesome with.”

Her mouth dropped, of course. “I… What?”

“I accidentally called her Shiny when she saved me, so she got suspicious and forced me to come back to their hotel room. That’s when I told them the truth and she twisted my hoof into staying while they did lewd things to each other.”

“...Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you demanded to know. Anyway—”

“You can stop now,” she hastily said.

“Oh no, I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet. You see, I had some of the poison with me, so—”

Her magic pinched my snout closed. “Yeah, you can definitely stop now.

“Why don’t you wanna hear about my day, Twiley?” I regretfully asked when she released me.

“Because you’re only continuing to make me suffer, duh. If I had known you were gonna run into my brother, I wouldn’t have let you wander around at all. At least I know you didn’t do anything with them.”

“Welllll…” Her eyes narrowed. “Never mind.”

“Oh no, you’re spilling the beans now. I swear to Celestia, if you ruined their marriage…”

“I resent that,” I said. “But since you’re demanding to know, fine. Since Shiny can’t last more than a few seconds in bed, he swapped bodies with his wife and was planning on getting fucked by a male griffin. So I gave Cadance the poison to use on Shiny’s vagina and then she fucked him silly while I tutored her on how to do it properly. Shiny eventually got tired of me trash-talking him, so he swapped back and made a bet with me. If he came before I did, I could fuck him up the ass in whatever body I wanted. Then he decided to cheat by using what was left of the poison and handily won.”

“...So you had sex with my brother.”

“Yep.” She very loudly sighed and facehooved, of course. “It’s unfortunate. I honestly kinda did wanna put it up his pooper. But whatever I guess.”

“You’re awful,” she muttered.

“Yeah, sometimes. It’s gonna be me drinking the mead tonight. I need to wipe that shit from my memory.”

She finally looked back up, her angry eyes meeting my amused one. “And you never thought to just leave?”

“Oh yeah, plenty of times. They both really wanted me to stay, no matter how many times I told them that I really didn’t want to. Shiny had to appeal to my pride and Cadance had to appeal to my compassion to get me to stay. Even then, I honestly didn’t want to. The only reason I didn’t just teleport out is because they had the room warded against it.” Of course, getting to spite a bitchy elemental was a pretty nice upside, even if I kinda hate myself even more than usual at the moment.

“You really are something else,” she sighed, shaking her head.

“Well, yeah. I’m a fucked up abomination of nature.”

“I’m telling Doppel you said that.”

“You’re such a bully.”

“And you’re such a slut! I can’t believe you had sex with my brother!”

“Don’t remind me. I still feel bad about it.”

“Yeah, because you lost.”

“Not just that,” I replied with another shrug. “I never wanted to have sex with a married couple. It’s gonna be something I regret for a while, I guarantee you. And it’s something that’ll hopefully never happen again. Anyway, can we please stop talking about this? The sooner it leaves my mind, the better.”

“Fine,” she testily said.

“So how was your day?”

“Good. I didn’t buck any of your family members.”

“Excellent. I had a feeling you weren’t into necrophilia. Since, you know, my entire family and species is dead.”

“Great, and now you’re guilting me.” I sheepishly shrugged. “I suppose I may have deserved it, at least.”

“I’m sorry, Twilight. I really didn’t want it to come to that. They pushed me and I caved because I’m a pushover.”

“You really are,” she sighed. “I enjoy it sometimes, but it can be depressing to watch. I’m kinda hoping that changes after the coma, at least in some ways.”

That made Aqua giggle, because she wants me to suffer eternally under her watery thumb. “Here’s hoping. So how was your day really?”

“Like I said, good. It’s interesting to read griffin-pony relations from another point of view. Griffins have a very… different take on history, and not just the history between the two races. Their version of the founding of Equestria is quite a lot more bleak than ours.”

“You mean the part where Grogar fixed the environment, forcing most of the ponies living in the arctic circle to move south in order to survive the newly freezing temperatures?”

“Yes. The griffins were actually already living here when that happened. Luna and Reginald conquered them on the way south and the ponies lived here for a while until the weather continued worsening. Finally, we moved further south. Over time, the griffins were able to break free. Celestia and Luna were dealing with other issues at the time, so they weren’t able to retaliate until the griffins were able to establish enough of an army that reconquering them would have been more trouble than it was worth.”

“Nice.”

“Of course, there’s quite a lot more to it than that, but that’s the story in the nutshell. What’s interesting is how many times the griffins have come close to civil war since then.”

“That’s because Celestia’s been manipulating events for years,” I replied. “She was doing her best to keep the war between the griffins and the changelings going as long as she could to keep both nations imbalanced. She knew that if either of them tried striking at her, the other would ally with her to take them down.”

“...Did you know that when you got them to make peace?” she asked.

“I had suspicions. King Bloodbeak agreed with me and decided to put the matter to rest. Celestia basically confirmed it later and admitted to having several plans in place to keep the griffins weak.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Celestia, how could you…”

“Because she’s fucking evil as shit,” I replied. “Look at what she did to the dragons.”

“I know… It’s just…”

I reached a hoof out to boop her. “So how you feelin’ now, Twiggles? Is your body still aching like crazy?”

“Somewhat. It’s not as bad as it was, but it still hurts.”

“Wanna head back to the hotel? I’ll do my best to massage you in the bath.”

“Yes,” she immediately replied with a nod. I hopped to my hooves, but we both suddenly reappeared on the hotel bed with a loud pop. “I really didn’t enjoy the walk to the library this morning…”

“Fair enough.” I turned into my normal, non-fucked up body. “So, shall we get started…?”

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Three

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Three

As it turns out, there was no amount of booze that would help wipe the event from my mind. All it did was make me angrier and angrier the more I thought about it. In the end, Twilight had to teleport me upstairs and force me to sleep before I could do something Cadance would regret.

That put me in Aqua’s very wet prison in my mind. “You’re definitely going to feel this in the morning,” she warmly told me as she seeped up my legs to hug me.

“Can you just not fucking touch me?” I asked. The drunkenness left me when I fell asleep, but the anger was still there.

“I am not the one you are mad at,” she whispered in my ear. “Look at what Cadance did to you. She knew you weren’t interested and yet she changeling-napped you and refused to let you leave until she got what she wanted.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m angry at you, too. Feeling your disgusting slime all over me just makes me want to peel my skin off. But right now, I am furious at Cadance.”

“She used you. She ignored your desires.”

“You mean like you?”

That made her giggle. “I am not your sister, am I? I didn’t betray you.”

“You kinda did, but you’re too much of a bitch to ever admit that what you did was completely evil and irredeemable, so there’s really no point in wasting time dealing with you.”

“But not Cadance. You should confront her.”

“Yes, I should. And I will. But not while I’m angry.”

She chuckled and started toying with my hair behind my back. “Your anger gives your words weight, Navarone. Calmness betrays you. It makes you hide things. Anger forces it out in the open. If you wait to confront Cadance, you will never get this demon off your mind. It will haunt you forever.”

“You’re trying to turn me against her. You want me isolated, alone.”

“No,” she softly replied. “No, Navarone, that is what you want. I am trying to guide you down the right path. The path of honesty and integrity. I want you to tell Cadance the truth.”

“That I only slept with her husband to get back at you?”

She sighed and dropped my hair so she could hug me. Her cheek rested against mine as she glowed pink and turned warm. “Do you know why we wear our emotions on our sleeves, my lovely little lady?”

“Something something complete honesty?”

“Precisely. The fact that I glow pink around you is proof of my love. Whenever you make me red…” Her warm pink swapped to harsh red and her grip tightened. “...it shows that you have disappointed me. When I am blue with sorrow…” She finally pulled away from the hug and swung her body around so she could look me in her eyes. At the moment, it looked like they were dribbling tears as she sank into a deep blue. “...you’ve broken my heart. Why won’t you love me back, Nav? All I ever do is give you good advice! I’ve only ever done what’s best for you!”

“You are just completely fucking psychotic, aren’t you?”

“I just want you to love me back! I give so much but all you do is hurt me!”

“Well, stop being so shit. Listen, if you leave my body, I’ll sing your praises all over the place. Honestly, I agree that Celestia needed to get got. I’m glad you did it for me so I didn’t have to kill her. But this shit is honestly fucking with me hardcore and all it’s doing is stressing me out to the point that I want to die. I mean, you’re inside me right now. I’m sure you know it. You can’t be that delusional yet.”

She turned bright red again. “You just wanna spite me! You know I’m good for you, you know you needed to be reigned in! How many times before I took you did you come to us for help? How many mistakes have you made since you forsook Flo? You can deny it all you want, but you know it deep down, Nav: You’d be dead within a month without my help. If not Celestia, something worse. Like, I don’t know, bounty hunters from the Chinese mafia.”

“I can’t deny that water elementals have their uses, but I’d rather die than be a slave. Especially a slave to a psychotic yandere bitch.”

Her body shifted back to dark blue. “I’m sure you’ll come around,” she sighed, patting me on the head. “I’m getting tired of waiting, though. I may have to start punishing you soon.”

You know what, now seems like a good time to go see Cadance. Her warm giggle wasn’t comforting at all and she didn’t seem to have any other reply, so I disappeared from that dream and went into the anteroom. Thankfully, she let her body disappear as well.

After I shivered from the disgusting feeling left on my skin, she sighed. “That really hurts my self-esteem, Navi. I want to be close to you!”

“I want to be as far from you as possible. If the only way I get to be away from you is by being around others, then I guess it’s time I got more friends.”

“That’s the spirit! After all, friendship is magic!”

“Man, eat a dick.” I finally thought about Cadance and felt my head turning. I was in front of her white dream before Aqua could reply.

“Is that what it would take?” Aqua asked. “Would giving me orders as well put you at ease?”

“I’d give the same order every time and you’d never follow it.”

She sighed and it felt like one of her hands caressed my shoulders. “Compromise is how relationships work, Nav. We’ll find one yet, I promise. We will make this work!”

I walked into Cadance’s dream without another word.

In my haste to escape Aqua, I didn’t bother scanning the dream or really even coming up with something to say. As it was, I found myself in what looked like a school of some kind. I was in a hallway full of young ponies, none of whom seemed to notice me. It only took a few seconds of looking to pick out the obvious pink alicorn, just as young and clueless as the rest. The only odd part was the complete lack of sound.

Her eyes were on another, though. She was staring at what had to be Shining Armor, judging by his cutie mark and the fairly empty expression on his face. “Celestia lets her guards to go school?” I asked.

“She does not usually have them trained from birth, no,” Aqua replied.

“I figured she wouldn’t let them learn anything. Best way to keep them under her hoof, after all.”

Aqua chuckled and warmly patted my head. “She’s bad, but not quite the tyrant you make her out to be. She loves her subjects and wants what’s best for them. But we didn’t come here for her, did we?”

“Let’s watch,” I replied, turning into a random colt from Ponyville. “Dreams reveal much.”

“Your anger weakens with every moment here, Navarone. You must confront her while the pain is fresh.”

“Who are you talking to?” Cadance asked. All the other ponies around us vanished, including Shining Armor.

“Well, I suppose I gave myself away,” I replied, morphing back to my own body. “Do you know me, or are we gonna have to make this difficult?”

Cadance sighed and grew several years in front of me. “Hello again, Navi. I honestly wasn’t expecting to see you so soon!”

“I gotta warn you now, Cadance: I’m not happy.” Her grin took a hit. “In fact, I’m pretty fucking pissed.”

“...Oh. Why?”

“Don’t.”

She sighed again and looked away. “...I knew it was the only way.”

“Only way to do what, Cadance? Fuck me? Betray me? Lose me?”

Her eyes met mine once again. They had lost all sense of mirth. “I would lose you in a heartbeat if it meant saving him.” I leaned back on my heels and crossed my arms. “He needed this. I’m sorry that I hurt you, Nav. I really am. I never wanted to abuse you or your trust. But I had to help him and this was the only thing I could think of.”

“That makes no sense, Cadance. There was nothing wrong with Shiny! He was just being a big fucking pussy!”

She slowly shook her head. “You know better than that, Nav. Something about you… changed him. It may have been something you said or something you did, but my Shining Armor was never the same after he met you. In some ways, that’s good. In others… He was broken, Navarone. Something you did broke my husband. I don’t know what it was and I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but he had to be fixed.”

“And you thought sex would be the answer?” I asked. “You thought kidnapping me, locking me up and refusing to let me leave, then getting me high on lust so I couldn’t say no to pity fucking your husband would do it?”

“He needed to see that you could lose! He needed to see that he could beat you!”

I slowly shook my head. “That’s neurotic, Cadance. I’m… nothing. A nobody. An accident. Hell, an aberration. I’m literally a monster to you ponies and you’re telling me that your husband has inadequacy issues about me.”

“Had. As far as I can tell… he’s cured. After finishing up our wonderful evening, we returned home.”

“Oh, and you think that excuses what you did?”

“Absolutely not,” she said. “I knowingly used you and there is no excusing that. It was never my intention to hurt you, Nav. And it was never my intention to cause you distress or anger. I just needed your help and I knew you’d never agree, not after everything else I did to pique your interest. I saw an opportunity and I took it. If the price for my husband’s mental health is our relationship… so be it.”

“...And you knew this would work?”

“I suspected. I would have let you go without a backwards glance had my husband not stood up for himself. When he did, I knew I had my answer. It may mean nothing after what happened, but thank you, Nav. You helped cure my husband of something that has been eating at him for too long.”

I dropped my hands and slowly walked closer. She stood her ground. I guess I could understand that, since this was only a dream, but I had a feeling the look on my face wasn’t pleasant. “You’re better than that, Cadance.”

“Better than what?” she asked.

“Better than Celestia. Better than using people. You could have told me. You could have told Shiny. You could have given me the option of helping instead of just taking it!”

“How many times have I asked you?” she asked. “You shot me down harshly every time.”

“You asked me for sex,” I coldly said. “Pleasure. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“And that is all Shiny needed.”

“No, you didn’t need sex…” I grabbed her by the horn and pulled her in close. “YOU NEEDED HELP! You needed my help and I am always there for you!” I pushed her back. “That’s what family is, Cadance. We don’t use each other, we help each other. If you told me what this meant to you, I would have swallowed my morals in a heartbeat and did whatever you needed. But you chose to use me. You chose to burn a bridge, not strengthen it. You didn’t ask for help, you forced me to obey.”

“And how is one supposed to ask for that, hm? What was I supposed to tell you, Nav? That you broke my husband? That you… ruined what could have been a perfect marriage just by existing? That somehow, you destroyed something I held dear without even knowing that you had done it? And then I was supposed to just ask you to help me fix it?”

“Yeah, all that woulda been a pretty good fucking start. When have I ever let you down?”

“Never,” she immediately replied.

“When have I ever been out of my element?”

“Rarely.”

“When has a weird situation ever completely stumped me?”

She sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry, Navarone. I made a judgment call to save the one I loved. I… screwed up. I made a mistake. The only saving grace is that it did help my husband, yet I sense it means little to you.”

“Not compared to betrayal.” She flinched. “I mean, it’s good or whatever that your marriage is fixed, but I can’t help but feel that jumping straight for my magic vagina to solve your husband’s premature ejaculation skipped a few steps.”

“I tried everything else! Every home remedy, old mare’s tale, and spell! They all failed! I didn’t know what else to do…”

“Because, you know, asking me for help was right out.”

“I did ask you for help. You gave me bandaids, ways of hiding the problem. I wanted it fixed.”

“That didn’t stop you from plowing his ass anyway.”

“...I didn’t expect him to say yes. I was hoping it would be a daunting enough subject to discuss that he’d try to find ways to fix his issue instead.”

“So you turned him into a quickshot buttslut.”

She nodded. “That’s right.”

“And it still wasn’t enough for you.”

She blinked a few times. “I… I’m sorry?”

“A marriage with your perfect dream stallion, a loving and beautiful daughter, living the life of a princess, always being wealthy and never going hungry… It wasn’t enough? You had one little problem in an otherwise perfect life and you just couldn’t learn to live with it.”

It took her a few seconds to come up with a reply to that. When she did, it honestly wasn’t what I was expecting. “You of all people should know better than that, Nav. I didn’t do this for me, I did this for him. I would pay any price to make him smile. And so what if I benefit, too? What’s the point in living if you aren’t going to strive to make things better? If you don’t try to iron out all the little imperfections? I was happy with my husband before, of course. He could never disappoint me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t want more. Call it selfish if you want, but you know what I’m talking about.”

Aqua scoffed. “What a selfish little princess. I wonder if she ever cared about you.”

Don’t interfere.

Cadance was continuing anyway, though. “I know you’re hurt. I know you’re angry. But you don’t know love like I do, Nav. You can’t understand what I feel for my husband. All I can do is hope that you’ll be able to forgive me anyway.”

“Will you accept a… compromise?” I slowly asked.

“And what is that?” she asked.

“I control dreams, as I’m sure you know. I’ll let you live in the worlds you would have had without me. Where, if I wasn’t there, you and your husband would have been defeated. Do you agree to that?”

She stared at me in silence for some time before quietly asking, “And you will forgive me if I do?”

“After that, we’ll have a talk,” I said. “And one fun thing to remind you, Cadance: Dreams go where you expect them to. I will paint the circumstances. You will provide the details. And I gotta say, I’m looking forward to the results.”

She smirked. “You’ve always been sadistic, Navi, but you used to spare me.”

“You used to be my sister. I’m hoping after this, you will be again.”

She sighed and looked away. “...So be it. Then what is it to be, Nav? What do you have in store for me?”

I suddenly appeared before her and pressed a finger against her forehead. “Lose yourself.” Her eyes slammed shut and she fell into a trance. I took a moment to collect my thoughts before nodding and snapping. The world changed and Cadance woke up to a nightmare. Her eyes kept recognition for only a moment before she was swept up in the dream.

Cadance was chained by the neck to the ground in a filthy cell deep underground. Chrysalis was standing in front of the bars with Shining Armor next to her. His gaze was completely vacant, though he grinned whenever he looked at Chrysalis.

“I was hoping to avoid fighting Celestia, but I suppose it resulted in the best outcome,” Chrysalis said. “Now then, you’re coming with me. I have uses for you.”

“You’ll never get away with this!” Cadance shouted as drones undid the bars of her cage.

Chrysalis looked at her and smirked. “And who is going to rescue you? Now move it, princess.” I disappeared from the dream and backed away from its oily-black hue.

“That’s certainly one way to do it,” Aqua said. “For what it’s worth, I agree that this is a fair punishment. If she’s willing to live a life without you, she must understand what that truly means.”

“I’m just worried what her mind will create. I’ll keep a close eye on her and step in when things start going too far.”

Aqua tsked at me. “That’s not how we learn and grow, Navi. Mistakes and pain teach us many lessons.”

“I believe in mercy and fairness.”

A throat cleared behind me and I spun around to find Luna. “To whom do you speak?” she asked.

“A water elemental,” Aqua said for me. “What brings you here, Luna?”

“Celestia has summoned me back to Canterlot,” she replied.

Aqua let me talk again, so I said the first thing that came to mind. “...What?”

“In a few weeks,” she added. “She wasn’t specific when. Do you know why she is summoning me?”

“I’m out of Equestria for a little while,” I replied. “I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be back, but it’ll definitely be a few weeks. I have no clue what else is going on, though.”

She sighed deeply. “Then it is time to kill her,” she solemnly said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Every time Celestia needs to kill somebody immediately, she summons me back to Canterlot. There could be no other reason for her to take this risk. I believe she wants to put you down. We must use this opportunity to ambush her! It is time to gather our allies.”

I lifted a hand. “Luna, relax. Celestia and I had a talk. We’re aware that we need each other.”

She shook her head. “That’s how it always goes. Celestia smooths things over so you let your guard down. Then when you’re vulnerable, she strikes. You must take this seriously, Navarone. Even if I am wrong, trust me when I say that it is better to be safe than sorry.”

“Fair enough. Who can you bring to the table?” I asked.

“Myself and Reginald. If it comes to it, he will make a feint for the city to divert her attention from us.”

“No need,” I said, shaking my head. “The guard is firmly on our side. Blossom and I are totally besties now. She’s super cute!”

Luna grinned. “I see you are finally enjoying your new life.”

“...Sometimes. Definitely bring Reginald, but keep him in reserve.”

“So who else do you have up your sleeve?” she asked.

Can I trust her?

“Absolutely,” Aqua replied.

“Moonbeam, Cadance and Shining Armor, my entire team and crew, probably the Elements of Harmony, and definitely the fire elementals.”

“If you can rely on Cadance, why are you giving her nightmares?”

“I’m punishing her.”

“Ah. We must make our attack swift and brutal. If Celestia has a chance to get away, we might never kill her.”

“It’s not gonna be easy and I’m really not looking forward to it. Oh, and bad news: If I need Moonbeam’s help, I have to marry her.”

She gasped, lifting a hoof to her mouth. “That’s horrific! How could she do that to herself?!”

“Bitch, I’m perfs,” I said with a snap. “People are lining up to put things inside of me! Moonie totally digs me.”

“If that is what you think, I pity you. Still, I suppose you may come to enjoy it. I didn’t think you’d enjoy being pregnant all the time, though.”

I stared at her for a few long seconds before slowly saying, “What?”

“When changelings mate, they have children as often as possible. Chrysalis can pump eggs into you every… oh, three or so months, if I remember correctly. She’ll also pump you full of changeling nectar, which is extremely addicting. Her royal nectar is considerably more potent. You could be left in a continuous state of arousal.”

That honestly sounded… extremely fucking awful. “We’ll see about that,” I said. “She has told me that she prefers equal mates many times. I’m confident I’ll be fine, if it comes to that.”

She shrugged. “Perhaps Reginald and I can save you from Chrysalis to help make up for our sins.”

“If it comes to that,” I replied with a shrug. “Either way, I still think you’re overreacting. It’s better to be prepared, but I’m honestly not worried.”

“Perhaps you are right,” she sighed. “Oooh, but I hope not! It is time to put that demon where she belongs!”

“I thought the goal was to redeem her.”

“Your goal is to redeem her. I want revenge. I’m willing to allow you to redeem her, but I would much rather put her down!”

“Noted. When I see you again, can I rub your belly?”

“...Perhaps,” she replied with a blush.

“Cool. No homo or anything, it’s just really soft. Plus, it might help you relax.”

“Of course. What should I say to Midnight Blossom?”

“As little as possible,” I replied. “It might be best if you left as soon as Celestia was dealt with. It’ll take time to smooth things over. We’ll figure something out.”

“Perhaps. Prepare wisely, Navarone. Contact everyone as quickly as you can. I will be in contact with you further, but I must depart for now.”

“See you soon, Luna,” I replied. She nodded once and vanished. “So what was that about?” I asked.

“That was about your surprise!” Aqua said. “You’ll know soon! Go ahead and get everyone else together, though. They might as well all be there for it.”

“...Are you gonna infect all the world leaders at once?”

She snorted. “I wish. No, there’s just an announcement to make. It’ll involve you, of course.”

“...That doesn’t sound good.”

“Well, that sounds like your problem. Now go along and tell the others!”

Bitch.

“I heard that.”

“I know, that’s why I thought it.” Before she could reply, I gazed around the anteroom. “Let’s start with Kat.”

Thankfully, she was asleep. Not so thankfully, her dream was also black. I pulled the fog apart to take a better look.

“She’s… brushing my hair,” I slowly said. “Why is this dream black?”

“Look at her lips,” Aqua replied. “She is saying something. Repeating it.”

“Can you tell what it is?”

“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I will worship you for my mistakes.”

That was not a very comforting answer. “Huh. Well, this might be awkward.”

“Would you like me to take control?” she sweetly asked.

“No, I need to handle this.” I pushed my way in and found myself in a chair, wearing nothing. The cute little kitty was softly brushing my hair.

“Please, my lady. Please, my owner. Please… Please! Please forgive me! I’m so sorry!”

“Hello, Kat,” I quietly said. She gasped in horror and the brush froze.

“My… My lady?”

“Yes, it’s me,” I said. “I decided to pay your dream a visit.”

She whimpered and backed away slowly, lifting her hands up. “I… My lady, I…”

“Do you think you deserve to be forgiven?” I asked. She didn’t reply, though it sounded like she sniffled. “I’m asking you a question, Kat. I want to know. Do you honestly think you deserve it?”

“I’ve served you! I’ve done everything you asked! I’ve devoted my entire being to you! I am totally yours, my lady. If I am not yet worthy, what must I do? What price must I pay? Anything!” She grasped me by my shoulders and pulled me in so she could whisper. “An eye? A paw? My children? I would have so many litters for you, Nav! I would train them all to obey you, to worship you! I shall form your own clan of assassins, Navarone! Order me, make your demands! I will go to any lengths!”

I sat in silence for a while before standing and turning to face her. “Then that makes this kinda awkward…”

She blinked in surprise. “W-what?”

“Yeah, I forgave you ages ago. Like, when you scratched the fuck outta my walls in Hawaii.” She stared at me blankly for a few long seconds. “You didn’t know? I thought I made it clear.” Though I don’t guess I ever told her.

Her stare was honestly kinda starting to get unnerving. After a few excruciating seconds, the dream lit up bright gold and she jumped forward to hug me.

“I am yours!” she yelled. “Always and forever, Nav! I will be your perfect tool! Use me any way you desire!”

“Awesome, that’s super convenient. I actually came here to give you some orders.”

“Before you do, I’m afraid I have something to report.” She pulled away, looking slightly uncertain. “I have done something you won’t be happy about.”

“And what is that?” I asked. “Did you follow me?”

“No! Not after you ordered me not to… I’m afraid I’m sworn to silence about the details, so you’ll need to speak to Taya.”

“...Taya made you do something?” I asked.

“Yes, my lady… She ordered me, despite my misgivings, and then made me swear not to tell you what it is we did.”

“...Then I guess I’ll be paying her dreams a visit next. Anyway, onto why I’m here. Celestia might be up to something. She summoned Luna back to Canterlot. What she doesn’t know is that Luna is going to support me against her. So what I need you to do is find the hand mirror in my room and make sure it’s packed on the ship when it comes to get me. That thing will let me contact Moonbeam whenever I need.”

“Is that all, Navarone?”

“For now. I’ll talk to a few others as well to get them to do some things for me.”

“How sure are you that something’s coming?”

“Not at all. Personally, I doubt it. But I’d rather be ready just in case. Luna is thinking Celestia plans to make a move against me when I return.”

“Then we’ll be ready for her,” Kat replied with a firm nod.

“Damn right. I’m going to go hunting for more dreams. Do you have any requests before I go?”

“...Yes. Can you leave the original you behind?” I summoned another me, this one completely standard. “With wings?”

I snapped, making wings appear. Her tail started wagging. “There you go. Boop it on the nose to activate it. Now have fun.” I wasted no more time escaping. “That was uncomfortable.”

“Yes, Flo made a mess of that poor cat’s mind,” Aqua sighed. “I can’t believe Cascade allows those nightmares.”

“Knowing Kat, she probably prefers them so she could focus on attoning for her sins.” The next stop on my list was Taya. Since she was already asleep, it was a quick jump over to her golden dream. “Oh boy, here we go…”

“Don’t be like that, not around your own daughter,” Aqua said. “How bad could it be?”

“You weren’t around when I checked on her dreams and saw her doing weird things with me.” She didn’t reply, so I sighed and eased the fog back.

Thankfully, the scene before us was a tame one. Taya was sitting at a table across from Twilight and I. My daughter was sipping at a milkshake and watching me make out with Twilight.

“She has a good imagination,” Aqua said. “It’s a shame she’s going to be so disappointed by a few things.”

“...Like what?”

“Oh, you’ll see. Now, shall we pay her a visit?”

“Fine, but not because you told me to.” I pulled myself into the dream and found myself kissing Twilight. There was no hurry, so I let myself enjoy it for a few minutes. When it finally got boring, I pulled back and reached over to boop my daughter on the nose. “I see you’re having dreams about me.”

Taya blinked a few times before the realization came to her. “Hi, mommy! Are you having fun?”

“A little here and there. Things haven’t exactly gone according to plan, but that’s not why I’m here. Luna thinks Celestia’s up to something.”

The dreamscape went from gold to white. “Like what?” she slowly asked.

“I’m not sure yet. It’s probably nothing. But Celestia seems to be planning on summoning Luna back to Canterlot when we all get back from the bunker. Have you planted the seed yet?”

“Of course, mommy,” she replied with a nod. “I did that as soon as I got it. I put it—”

“Don’t tell me,” I said, lifting a hand. “The less I know, the better. When the ship leaves for Gryphus, pack my box with the ring. I’m not planning on using it, but I’d rather have it just in case.”

“Of course, mommy. What about weapons and armor?”

“Bring the sword, the gun, as many rounds and magazines as you can find, a few strips of throwing knives, the carbon nanotube armor, as many cherry blossom seeds as Gloomy can get her hooves on, and warm clothes. If Kat forgets or otherwise can’t get to it, pack the mirror that Moonie gave me as well. I’ll need it to contact her.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to avoid going into her dreams if possible. The mirror will let me communicate with her.”

“Oh. Anything else?”

“If I can think of anything else you’ll need to bring, I’ll let you know before you leave.”

She nodded. “Then do you wanna enjoy your date? Twilight’s ready to do whatever you want!”

The mare herself placed a hoof on one of my thighs and leaned in to nuzzle me warmly. “I wouldn’t mind, but I’d like to talk about something else first,” I said. “Kat said you did something naughty.”

Taya’s ears drooped and the white dream haze got a few degrees darker. “No I didn’t!”

“Spill it.”

“Well… I needed to talk to Athena. Kat helped me get there.”

“...You went into the book.”

“Yep!”

“Wow. Not gonna lie, I’m honestly pretty pissed about that. But it’s already done and you obviously survived, so whatever. So why did you go in and why didn’t you just ask Jak?”

“Because I needed to talk to Athena privately. I just had Kat leave when we got to her.”

“Okay, so why did you need to talk to Athena?”

“I had some questions about the book you asked me to read,” she replied with a casual shrug. “Really mommy, it’s no big deal!”

“What questions did you have?”

“Oh, this and that. Nothing too important.”

I crossed my arms. “Important enough to risk your life in the book.”

“I didn’t risk anything!” she defensively replied. “I knew we could handle it.”

“And you knew I wouldn’t let you, so you waited until I was gone.”

“Right. Really, mommy, you’re making this a bigger deal than it should be.”

“What did you ask her?”

She waved a hoof. “Don’t worry about it, mommy! It was nothing!”

“Tell me right now or you’re gonna regret it when I see you again.”

Her eyes rolled. “Fine, if you’re gonna be like that. It’s not like you can stop me anyway. I asked Athena to teach me how to transmute a plant’s life into a pony. Kinda like what Celestia did to you.”

“...And why did you ask her that?”

“So I could be like you, of course! Now I get to live as long as you do, mommy! And I’ll be your cute little filly the whole time.”

“Wow. I am so angry at you right now that I really don’t even know what to say.”

“How about ‘I love you so much, honey’ or ‘Gee Taya, that sure was a great idea!’ Maybe something like ‘Now we can really be together forever, just like I always promised!’ Why would you be upset, mommy? This is a good thing!”

“Have you already done it?” I sighed.

“…Of course.”

“Taya, I’m not home and you could have it done by the time I even could get home. Tell the truth: Have you done it?”

“No. I’m working out a few kinks now. But you won’t stop me, mommy!”

I sighed again and ran a hand down my face. Finally, I said, “No, I won’t. But I want you to promise me something.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to talk to you in person first. I won’t stop you if you still want to do it, but I want the chance to talk to you first.”

She put her hooves on the table and said, “You won’t talk me down, mommy! I’m doing this!”

“Promise me that you’ll talk to me first. Please.”

Her eyes rolled. “Fiiine.” She fell back into the seat and smirked. “Just think, mommy: Now I get to be your cute little filly forever!”

God dammit. “So tell me about Athena’s book,” I said, pulling the fake Twilight into my lap. She cooed softly as I started petting her.

Taya eyed my hands with a few twinges of jealousy, but she got over it quickly. “It was a breeze,” she flippantly replied, snatching the milkshake with magic and floating it up to her mouth.

“No one likes gloaters,” I said. “Especially lying gloaters.”

She giggled and set the milkshake back down. “It really wasn’t that bad. I was worried after what happened to the tower mages, but Kat and I prepared well.”

“And you actually listened to me when I told you what was in there.”

“We sure did,” she happily said. “The only trouble spot we had was with Jak’s golem, but Kat remembered there was a command word to make it obey us. That turned the rest of the maze into a breeze. Hera didn’t really like that we ruined her entertainment, but she seemed pretty unpleasant anyway. Though the belly rub she gave me was… nice.”

“Don’t go back into that book without me,” I said. “Hera is completely psychotic and thinks ponies are just animals she can turn into pets. She asked me to kidnap a filly for her after the tower mages were done.”

“Oh, she tried to keep me,” Taya said. “Athena wouldn’t let her.”

I shrugged. “Athena said she didn’t want any pets. Apparently they make messes.”

“She said it was because I was your daughter, not because I’d make a mess.”

“...Huh. Whatever. So what books did you get?”

“Several books of banned spells, a few human history books, a book Athena actually wrote about the fall of humanity, an alchemy book full of poisons, and a single poetry book.” She scratched at her chin for a moment before adding, “And a diary of a human girl with a very boring name. I don’t know why Kat kept it.”

“What was the name?”

“I dunno. I think it started with a J. I just remember that it was boring.”

Maybe I can get some insight about girl problems from it. “What kind of banned spells?”

“One was blood magic, one was full of curses, and one had drawings of demonic signs and summoning circles.”

“Neat. Don’t summon any demons without my permission.”

“‘Kay.”

“And be very careful with the rest.”

“I can’t use blood magic and I’m really not interested in being able to. The curses might be fun, though.”

“Good. Bring the history books and the diary with you on the ship when you guys leave. I want to take a look at them.”

“Athena’s book, too?”

“Yeah. If you haven’t already, let Nightshade take a look at the poison book.”

“Already done,” Taya said with a nod. “She and Kat have been looking it over. Apparently they’re using it to make something with Spider’s venom.”

Maybe they’re giving up on the pleasure poison. “How well were you and Kat able to fight together?”

“I let her give me orders,” Taya replied. “And she used my powers well. So good, I guess. She’s very athletic.”

“Hell yeah she is.” In all the right ways. “It’s good that you two can work together. The three of us need to train some time.”

“I’m hoping the naga will respond to Doppel’s letter,” Taya said. “It’ll be nice to have him for the bunker.”

“I wasn’t aware she sent him one, but I’m glad that she did. I wouldn’t mind having him there. How are things at the house?”

“Good I guess,” she replied with a shrug. “I’ve mostly been in your room studying. Kat’s been trying to serve me, but she’s so mopey that I had to order her away. I think she’s spending time with Spider instead.”

“How’s he liking the piano?”

“A lot, judging by how much he plays it. I have to keep the door shut all the time.”

“Is he that bad?” I sighed.

“It’s just distracting. I guess it’s good. Kat’s been playing her little instrument with him, so it’s even worse.”

That’ll be interesting, I suppose. “Pass me the milkshake.”

“You better not drink it all,” she said, hoofing it over. I wanted to be mean and drink it all just to spite her, but the cup kept refilling on me. I eventually decided to give up before I got brain freeze and passed it back.

“Now then, I’ll leave you to your dream.”

“You don’t have to go!”

“I got more people to warn about Celestia and more preparations to make. I also still need some real sleep.”

She sighed and hung her head. “...Okay, mommy.” After a second or two, she looked up with a cute grin. “Could you teach me to dreamwalk, too?”

“We’ll have to talk about that in person, too. I’ll see you soon, honey.”

She hopped across the table and hugged me. I hugged her back. She was nice and warm. Once I got bored of it, I stepped out of the dream.

“You should let Taya become a tree sister,” Aqua said. “She loves you dearly and would be a good companion.”

“I will let her. I just want to talk to her about what was in the tree book she read. If it sounds good, I won’t stand in her way. If it sounds bad, I’ll try to talk her down. I don’t want Taya to live like this, but ultimately, it’s her choice. She knows the magic and I can’t stop her from doing it.”

“A fair viewpoint. Shall we check on Cadance?”

I stepped over to her dream. It was still pitch black. I peeled some of the smoke away and peered in. Cadance and Shining Armor were both chained to Chrysalis’s throne. Shiny was a lot more slender and seemed considerably more feminine. Cadance looked heavily pregnant. She and her would-be husband had dopey grins and vacant eyes. I pulled myself into the dream and snapped. All the constructs froze and Cadance looked at me without recognition.

“She’s really gone, huh?” I said.

“Looks like it,” Aqua replied.

I walked over and poked Cadance on the nose. Her eyes shut and she collapsed, her body returning to normal. “So what next?” I asked.

“The gryphon assassin from Hestra,” Aqua replied.

I snapped and put us back in the palace at Gryphus. Cadance and her husband were in bed and an assassin was in their room. I poked Cadance again, releasing her from the trance, and then stepped out of the dream.

“This one will be interesting,” Aqua said. “I wonder how the assassin will fare against Shining Armor without you there.”

“If he remembers his head this time, probably not very.” I thought about Fleur. She wasn’t asleep yet, so I thought about Watcher. I was standing next to his gold dream moments later.

“Are you sure you want to interrupt this poor old man’s dreams?” Aqua asked. “Your surprise need not concern him.”

“If Kat or Taya mention anything to him, he’ll have questions.” I pulled the gold smoke back to see what kinds of things made that crotchety old guy happy. After a few seconds of watching, I tilted my head. “Where is he?”

“I’d say he’s the pink pony kissing Sentinel,” Aqua said. “He did say he was pink originally, right?”

“Fair, but I thought he hated being pink. Whatever.” I looked over the dream again so I could assess my approach. Watcher and Sentinel were kissing in a seedy dive bar. There were about a dozen dangerous looking fellows of all races sitting around and nursing various vices. The terrain outside looked dusty and dry, so I assumed they were in a desert of some kind.

“This will be exciting,” Aqua said with a giggle.

I just hopped right in, staying in my original body. I landed right next to their table and said, “Hey Watcher, is that you?”

Everyone in the room turned to stare as us and Watcher stopped kissing what was apparently his girlfriend. “Never heard of him,” he replied with Watcher’s voice. “What kind of name is that?”

“A fake one. You never gave me your real one. I thought you hated being pink. What happened to your guard colors?”

All the seedy guys surrounding us burst out of their chairs. Watcher slowly looked around the room while Sentinel sighed. “Looks like your friend ruined our cover.”

“Looks like it.” All the freaks and weirdos drew weapons and charged. Watcher’s horn lit up and they all flew back. “So who are you and what do you want?”

I reached down to poke him on the nose, but he jumped back and his horn lit up. Nothing happened, so I snapped and froze him. Sentinel jumped in my way when I tried poking him again, so I picked her up, put her over the table, and gave her a spanking. She tried to fight back, but couldn’t do anything against my dream powers. Once she got over the indignation and actually started yelling in pain, I stopped and finally poked Watcher’s nose.

He blinked and turned back to his normal color. “Hello, my lady. Why did you spank her?”

“Because I thought it would be funny.” I spanked her one last time, which made her disappear. “Luna thinks Celestia is planning something for when we return from the bunker. I think Luna’s wrong, but I want to be ready. I’m not really sure if any of you guys will be good against her, so I want you and your soldiers ready to evacuate everyone that isn’t going to be fighting Celestia. Get them somewhere safe and wait for word from us.”

“You got it, my lady. I’m afraid I have news.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I’ll apologize in advance. I didn’t plan for this and take full responsibility. Taya went into Athena’s book. She’s fine, but I know you’re still going to be upset.”

“I already spoke with her about it. It most certainly wasn’t your fault. Hell, even if you did have the book, she could just order you to give it to her. So chillax.”

“...As you command. How’s the festival?”

“It’s been… interesting. Parts have been fun, parts haven’t been. I’m probably only gonna give Twilight’s stupid disguise one more day.”

“How’s she been doing?”

“She’s having a wonderful time, or so it seems. She got so sore she could barely walk today, though. She’ll probably feel better tomorrow.”

“That must have been a lot of partners.”

“Yeah, probably. So what’s up with this dream?”

“Oh, Sentinel and I were undercover. We were trying to catch a band of crooks who were raiding Equestria from south of the border.”

“Neat. You know she has a crush on you, right?”

“I do. If I were closer to her age, I would act on it in a heartbeat. I’m just way too old for her.”

I shrugged. “Whatevs. You have any dream requests before I go?”

He scratched at his chin for a second or two before grinning and nodding. “Bring me the sexiest female human you can think of.” I did so with a snap. He looked her up and down before nodding. “Oh yes, she’ll do.”

“Boop her on the nose to activate her. Have fun.” I slid out of his dream and shivered slightly. “Creepy old man…”

“What did he do?” Twilight asked, making me jump.

“Nothing,” I replied as the dream turned red behind me.

“Ooooh. Yeah, never mind. So, how are you feeling now? Still angry?”

“Yes, but I’m working on it.”

“...Um. How?”

“By punishing Cadance with nightmares.”

“That’s… not very nice.”

“Yeah, well, you know. So, you wanna go bust up some dreams until it’s time for me to check on Cadance again?”

“I don’t think you should give her nightmares at all.”

“She agreed to it, so too bad. What are our plans for tomorrow?”

“We’ll see how I feel, first, but I plan on taking it easy. Probably not too much sex. We’ll mostly just walk around and enjoy the festival.”

“Cool. Remind me to cash my check. I wanna get some souvenirs.”

“I’ll do my best. I’m not sure when Gilda’s planning on claiming you.”

“Well, the day after tomorrow, I’m going to see Princess Gilda. I’ll be in my human body again, so original Gilda can suck it.”

“Ah. If you’d like, we could get another inn for our real bodies.”

“That might not be a bad idea. It’ll give us a place to stage and relax. We can do that tomorrow night.”

“That works. Can we at least check on Cadance?”

“Sure.” We both hopped over to Cadance’s black dream. “I’ll just pop in real quick and change things up a bit.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Please don’t. This’ll take just a sec.” I jumped in before she could reply.

At the moment, Cadance was sitting in a rocking chair located in a dull grey room. Her brat was in her hooves, sleeping as they rocked. Cadance was crying, for whatever reason. I poked her nose and she fell into another trance.

“So what’s next?” I asked.

“Be careful. Twilight is probably watching. But to answer your question, the assassins who attacked Skyla in Celestia’s room.”

She wouldn’t have been in Celestia’s room without me. I’m not sure if Skyla would have been with the maid or with her parents.

“Probably the maid, given the emergency. The assassins had to wait in Celestia’s closet because they weren’t expecting Cadance to be with her.”

Fair enough. I snapped and made two rooms, one with Cadance just standing and one with the maid and two assassins. I might actually feel bad about this one. Once things started moving, I stepped out of the dream to find Twilight staring at me in horror.

“How could you?!” she demanded.

“Cadance did something to me that she knew was wrong. She even said she was fine with losing me if it meant her husband was happy. I decided to show her what that really means, so I’m letting her see for herself what would have happened if I wasn’t there.”

“That’s… interesting. I hadn’t thought of using dreams to explore alternate scenarios. Of course, what you’re actually doing is awful and I wish you’d stop, but how you’re doing it is fascinating!”

“Are you telling me you’ve never wanted revenge?” I asked.

“I didn’t say that,” she hastily replied. “But her daughter is about to get murdered, Nav. How is this proportionate?”

“Because it’s just a dream? I wouldn’t do anything to her in real life, but this is just temporary. I figure it’s a good way to teach her a lesson without doing any real harm.”

“Still, though… This doesn’t feel right.”

“What she did to me also didn’t feel right. Honestly, a single night of bad dreams is a low price to pay for kidnapping and rape.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Fine.”

That’s what I thought. “So you wanna go give Dashie a few alternate scenarios with various ponies?”

“Pervert.”

“That’s not a no!” I replied with a grin.

She smiled and we both stepped away from Cadance’s dream.

Once we were done bullying Dashie, Twilight took off to get some real sleep. I appeared back at Cadance’s dream. It was still pitch black, of course.

“The last one should be Sombra,” Aqua said as I entered Cadance’s dream.

The mare herself was sitting on a throne with vacant eyes and a deep frown. It appeared that her mane and coat had lost some of their color. Shining Armor was nowhere to be seen.

I walked over and poked her on the nose again, then snapped to put us in the Crystal Empire throne room. We could see Sombra breaking through the shield from the windows. I stepped out of the dream as he began surging through the city.

“She might actually wake up from this one,” Aqua said. “I could see Sombra executing her.”

“Maybe. This is the last one anyway. I might give her a day to stew on it, I might not.”

“That might be wise. The time for anger is over. You must cool your head now so you can forgive her.”

“Whatever.” I thought of Fleur again and found myself looking at her dream. I hopped over to its red hue and poked my head in.

This time, my male human body was already dicking her down. I jumped in to finish the job, then warmly cuddled with her.

“Oooh, that was fantastic,” she sighed.

“You’re amazing,” I whispered, nuzzling her. That put recognition in her eyes. “But we need to talk for a moment.”

“...Did you come in here to have sex with me again?”

“I came in here and finished the job. You were already going at it when I got here.”

“Ah. Fair enough. So what did you need?”

“Luna thinks Celestia’s planning something for when I get back. I disagree, but I want everyone to be ready. Can you let Blossom know that shit might go down whenever I get back?”

“Of course. Why does Luna think this?”

“Because Celestia summoned her back to Canterlot. Historically, that usually means Celestia’s about to have someone killed. Luna’s thinking that Celestia’s gunning for me. As I said, I disagree.”

“Why?”

“Call it a hunch,” I replied with a shrug. “But it’s better to be careful.”

“Of course. Blossom might not be happy to have Luna back in town.”

“Too bad. Now, you were the second to last stop on my list. I’m gonna finish this up so I can get some real sleep.”

“You sure?” she asked. “I think I’m ready for round two…”

“Alright, fine, you talked me into it.” She leaned in and kissed me.

After several more rounds, I finally pulled myself out of her dream. “I always like visiting her.”

“I bet,” Aqua said. “Are pleasures of the flesh truly so wonderful?”

“...You’ve never tried sex in a host’s body?”

“I haven’t. None of my hosts have been as… prolific as you are, so I did not get many chances to experiment.”

“Feel free to try it for yourself some time. I’d be happy to let you. Maybe it’ll help you chill the fuck out.”

“Perhaps. Let us visit the last one on your list.”

I thought about Spike and felt my head turn. Once I found his dream, I stepped up to it. Thankfully, it was a standard white dream. When I peeked in, I saw that a very large Spike was just chilling on a pile of gold and jewels.

“Be careful,” Aqua said. “He might become belligerent when you enter. Dragons do enjoy protecting their hoards.”

“I’ll be fine.” I pulled myself in and landed in front of the pile of gold.

Spike immediately noticed me. Instead of becoming aggressive, he grinned. “It’s good to see you again, Nav. It’s been quite some time. What brings you by?”

“We need to talk,” I said, reaching over to poke one of his talons. He blinked and realized where we were. “Luna thinks Celestia’s planning something.”

“...Planning what?” he slowly asked.

“To kill me.” His eyes widened. “I think Luna’s wrong, but I’m warning everyone anyway. If she does try, it’ll be when we return from the bunker.”

“So what’s the plan?” he asked.

“If she tries to kill me, we kill her first.”

“We?”

“All you need to know is that it’ll be a curbstomp. Celestia is in no way prepared for what’s coming. If she wants to come for me, we’ll kick her shit in.”

He sighed and nodded. “Be careful, Nav. You may have some strong friends, but she’s still Celestia.”

“I’m not worried. I think Luna is wrong, personally. I’m just not going to take that chance.”

“Good. So are you enjoying the festival?”

“Kinda sorta. I’ve had fun, but I’m really not liking being in disguise. We’re probably going to drop them soon.”

“Oh. Gilda apparently made a deal with Twilight involving you. We’ll be going to Gryphus late tomorrow night.”

“Cool. How have you been enjoying the festival?”

“It’s been amazing,” he replied. “Gilda knows all the best events. I’ve been with so many hens.”

“Nice. When you get to Gryphus, you should hit up one of the public glory holes. That would definitely be an experience.”

“What’s a glory hole?”

“Ask Gilda.”

“Alright. So what are your plans for the rest of the festival? Gilda and I might be able to join you, if you’d be interested.”

“One of the princesses invited me to visit, so I’ll be doing that soon. I don’t really think your Gilda would be all that interested in seeing Princess Gilda.”

“Maybe not. So is it a date?”

“Nope. I’m not lookin’ to hit it. It’ll be purely a social call.” You know, hopefully. “You guys got any plans?”

“Not that I know of,” he replied with a shrug. “Gilda’s mostly just been playing it by ear, as far as I can tell.”

“Not surprising. Do you have any dream requests before I go get some real sleep?”

“Hmm…” His gaze slowly moved around the cave we were in before meeting mine again. “You can bring anyone here, right?”

“Yep, sure can. I can also make them do pretty much anything.”

“Ooooh. Can you bring in Rainbow Dash and Rarity?”

I snapped and made them both appear. Dash was in a schoolgirl outfit and Rarity was in a maid outfit. “Poke them on the nose to activate them,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Nope, this is more than enough. Thanks, Nav.”

“Happy to help. See you soon, Spike.” I left before he could reply. “Gee, I wonder why he wanted those two.”

“It truly boggles the mind,” Aqua sarcastically replied. “Now let us check on Cadance and then return to real sleep.”

I hopped over to her black dream and let myself in. Cadance and Sombra were sitting in matching thrones. Cadance’s eyes were glowing black and green, so I figured her mind was under his control. She also looked a few months pregnant, but it was difficult to tell for sure. She sure does put a lot of rape in her dreams.

Before Sombra could demand to know who I was, I appeared in front of his queen and poked her. When she was out, I put us in a small green forest clearing and poked her again.

She slowly sat up, looking around. Her eyes finally settled on me. “Nav…”

“That was the last one,” I said.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Nav. Without you, I’d… I…” She shot forward and hugged me. After a second of shock, I hugged her back.

“It’s okay,” I quietly replied. “I’m still upset, but it’s okay. I forgive you, Cadance.”

“It was… it was so awful…”

Yeah, I bet. “Well, it’s over now.” I picked her up and sat down so I could put her over my lap and start petting her. “You can relax.”

“Your hands are so nice,” she whispered as I continued petting her.

To be even nicer, I summoned a bowl of ice cream and placed it in front of her. “What do you want to dream about now?” I asked as she started nomming that shit down.

“...Infinite ice cream,” she said.

I snapped and we ended up in front of a literal mountain of the stuff. It reached so far up into the sky that we couldn’t see the top and it spread so far out to either side that it appeared endless. “How’s that?”

“Perfect!”

“Awesome. So how long were you even in Gryphus? Didn’t you guys say you were super busy all the time?”

“Even rulers can get a few breaks. Shiny and I managed to break away early this morning and teleport to Gryphus using a trick he learned in the guard.”

“I honestly didn’t think either of you were powerful enough to go from the Crystal Empire to Gryphus.”

“Not in one sitting. The skill in question allows a small number of unicorns to teleport long distances in small bursts. Instead of making one huge jump, each unicorn makes several small jumps. With another trick I learned from Twilight about pooling magic, we were able to get there in no time at all, though we were both fairly tired when we arrived.”

“Kinda surprised you didn’t go to the palace.”

“Why?” she asked. “If this was an official visit, absolutely. But Bloodbeak is sick at the moment, so he probably wouldn’t want to see us. In the end, we decided an upscale inn would do. A few of the griffins probably recognized us, but none seemed to care about two pony royals walking around the festival. We would have made sure any griffin we decided to sleep with would have no way of proving what actually happened, so it’s not like there was any risk of blackmail for us. If any pictures surfaced of the two of us walking around, we could just say we were visiting our friends to the south to learn more about their culture.”

“Fair enough, I guess. And you’re already back home?”

“Sure are,” she replied. “We kinda exhausted our magic about halfway there, but since we were following the tracks, we were able to secretly hitch a ride on a supply train. We’re both safely in bed in the palace.”

“Huh. Anyway, I need some real sleep. We’ll talk more later,” I said. “Until then, good night.” She probably wanted to say more, but I stepped out of her dream and then right back into my own.

“You didn’t warn her about Celestia,” Aqua said.

“It can wait. She has enough on her mind at the moment. I don’t want to burden her with news about some stupid surprise.”

“Hm. And now that you have forgiven her, are you prepared to admit that I was right?”

“About what?” I sighed.

“About the need to confront her while you were angry.”

“Oh. I’ll admit that it turned out better than I was expecting, but I don’t think you had anything to do with it.”

She sighed and suddenly appeared behind me so she could wrap her slimy body around me again. “You’re so difficult to manage, my sweet little lady.”

“Good. I’m tired of dealing with you, so let’s just timeskip to morning.”

“As you wish,” she whispered.

Just like that, I opened my eyes, feeling mostly rested and in intense pain. As soon as I groaned, waves of healing poured into me and then a cup of water appeared floating over me. “Thanks, Twiggles,” I raspily said as I took the water.

“Happy to help, Navi,” she said before nuzzling me. I drained the water and turned to nuzzle Twiley back. “How do you feel now?”

“Much better,” I sighed. “How about you?”

“I’m still sore,” she replied as she stretched her back legs. “But it’s nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. I think I’ll be able to walk around with no issues.”

“Excellent. I’m gonna take a shower and then get dressed. We can get breakfast after that.”

“I’ll join you in the shower,” she said with a sweet smile.

“Sounds good to me.” I rolled out of bed and she lazily teleported out. Soon enough, we were getting very wet together. It was quite fun.

Once we were finished, we found ourselves looking over our wardrobes again. “So what do you think?” she asked.

“I’m honestly kinda tired of being a maid,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong: I love dressing like a little slut and having all the guys molesting me with their eyes, but being super submissive is getting old. And so is your bitchy noble attitude.”

“Understandable. Can you put up with the attitude until we’re done with breakfast?”

“Sure. Are you gonna drop it after that?”

“Yep,” she replied with a nod. “I’d like to tie both of our tails up before we go out, though.”

“That’s fine. I just don’t want to be dressed up and treated like a maid anymore.”

“Fair enough.” Her horn lit up and she poked me with it. “That’ll put the cutie mark back.” I looked at my flank and sure enough, the one she picked out for me was back. “Ready to head downstairs?”

“As you wish, Lady Ivory.”

“Are you gonna make me open the door myself?” she snottily asked.

“I apologize, my lady,” I said as I jumped to the door. She nodded smartly and I opened it for her, then followed her downstairs.

The booze apparently made me sleep longer than usual, because there weren’t any other patrons downstairs at all. The innkeeper seemed pleased to see us and got us both hooked up with breakfast fairly quickly.

Once we had everything in front of us, the innkeeper taloned me a note. “You might want to be careful, Miss Rosie,” she said. “A very rich griffin is fervently looking for you.”

“Why would anypony look for Rosie?” Twilight asked as I opened the note.

“Love, apparently,” the innkeeper replied.

“Did he give this to you personally?” I asked after I read the note.

“If he actually knew where you were, I doubt we’d be having this conversation,” she said. “I think he hired couriers to deliver copies of this note to every inn in the city.”

Twilight snatched it from me with magic and read it aloud. “To all innkeepers: I’m offering a one hundred bit reward for any information on the whereabouts of Rose Charm. She’s a beautiful pink pegasus and has been in the newspapers recently. Enclosed is a picture of her from the papers. If you have any information, please relay it directly to me at this address…” She didn’t actually read the address, for whatever reason, but it did sound familiar. Her angry eyes turned toward me. “Rosie, what did you do to this poor griffin?”

“I turned down his marriage proposal, my lady,” I softly replied. “I had no idea he would go to such lengths to find me!”

Twilight scoffed. “I can’t believe somepony actually wanted to marry you. I wonder why. So where’s this picture?”

“Just one moment,” the innkeeper said. She walked back over to the bar and reached behind it. After a moment or two of searching, she returned with the picture in talon. “This is it,” she said, setting it down on the table.

It was the picture of me after the running of the ponies competition. It wasn’t in color, so it really wasn’t that useful. “They sure didn’t get your good side,” Twilight said. “Though there aren’t too many of those, so I suppose I can’t fault them. We’ll have to spend a few minutes redoing your hair, but it shouldn’t be hard to fool anypony hunting for you.”

“I hope not,” I softly said. “I don’t want a confrontation. Thank you for not telling him where we were, ma’am.”

“Of course, dear. Us hens have to stick together, especially during the heat. There’s no telling what this fellow might have in mind for you, especially after you turned him down. Just be careful while you’re out and about. He might have others looking for you.”

“I’ll be careful.”

“...Say, would you like to make an easy hundred bits?” Twilight asked.

“What did you have in mind?” the innkeeper replied.

“I was considering finding another inn closer to a different part of town tonight. If you tell this griffin where we are, Rosie and I can wait until he gets here and then teleport out. You get paid and he doesn’t get to do anything to us.”

“It’s tempting, but no thank you. Innkeepers who sell their patrons out tend to lose customers. The hundred bits would be nice, but I’d lose about that much in business over the course of just a few weeks if word got out.”

“That makes sense,” Twiggles said. “If we do end up changing inns, hopefully the new innkeeper will have the same priorities.”

“If not, you’re always welcome back here,” the old hen said. “Now, I’ll let you two eat. Let me know if you need anything else!” She walked back to the bar and started wiping it down, probably more to look busy than to actually clean. That let Twilight and I eat the totally bodacious pony breakfast she set up for us.

Once we were finished, Twilight grabbed the note and the picture and we went back up to our room. “You actually look really good in this pic, Nav,” she said when we were alone.

“Yeah, that competition was fun. I wonder if the pics they took of you and the others wound up in the papers, too.”

“Um… They took pictures of us?”

“Yeah. After you got caught and fucked, the guy who got you posed with your tail pulled aside so the picture would have you leaking all over yourself. It was kinda hot.”

Her face turned slightly red. “I… didn’t realize they took pictures. That is kinda hot! I’ll have to see if I can get one of those papers while we’re out today. Now then…” She grabbed me with magic and floated me to the bed. Once she had me where she wanted me, she walked up to my backside and started rolling my tail up. “I’ve heard that fillies Taya’s age love putting their tail up like this. You’ll have to let me know what you think.”

Once it was in a bun that left me completely exposed, she tied it off with a rubber band. “It already feels drafty.”

“Oh, that was just my breath,” she replied, backing up. “When I saw you looking all cute and helpless, my heart started racing and I started breathing harder. Sorry.”

“No problem, I guess.” Kinda creepy, but I’m used to that by now. “I do think it’s gonna be a little too cold to go out like this, though.”

“That’s what magic is for. I’ll keep us warm. Now make sure I do it right.” She spun around so I could get a good look at her flank and started rolling her own tail up. Soon enough, she tied it off into a bun as well. “How do I look?”

“Like a little slut, which is exactly what you were going for. Shall we?”

“Let’s, Rosie. And no more calling me your lady. Ivory will do.”

“Awesome. I’ll just grab the check real quick…” I walked over to the leather purse and dug out the check. It was creased in a few places, but I didn’t figure that would matter. “You got the map?”

“Right here,” she replied, making it magically appear. “I found the closest bank while you were still sleeping. It’ll take us about ten minutes to walk there.”

“Cool beans. Let’s do it.” I slid off the bed and we left the room again.

The innkeeper waved at us as we walked out and onto the streets. The festival was in full swing, so we quickly blended in and began walking to the bank. Now that all the griffins had a perfect view of our goods, the number of stares we got greatly increased. I gotta say, it definitely made me feel like a whore.

We got to the bank with no issue. There weren’t too many griffins actually working there, but it still didn’t take them long to cash the check. They were even nice enough to give us a bag to carry the five hundred bits in.

Once we got back outside, we both looked around. “So now what?” Twilight asked.

“I found a bazaar yesterday that had some interesting looking stuff for sale,” I said. “Several smiths were making festival swag. I figured I could get some souvenirs for some of the people back home.”

“Sounds good to me,” she replied. “Lead the way.”

“I kinda… flew. I’m not sure how to get there from here.”

She sighed and summoned the map. We looked over it for a few minutes. There were several market areas in the city and I honestly had no clue which one I was in. But we had all day, so we just picked the closest one and started walking.

Now that we were past the middle of the festival, it kinda felt like it was starting to wind down. There were still plenty of people out, but not as many performers or events. It all seemed to be losing steam.

“I’ve never been to a large meat market,” Twilight said when we walked into the first bazaar.

“I prefer buying my meat from indoor butchers. Better yet, indoor butchers with refrigeration.”

“Still, it has a unique charm.” She finally got a whiff of something and then blanched. “W-well… A small unique charm.”

“You’re gonna have to turn yourself into a human soon so I can cook you some meat.”

“And so we can hold hands,” she said with a nod.

Lewd. “Anyway, I don’t think it was this market. That one didn’t have this much food.”

“Good. Let’s find the next one before I get light-headed.” Some of the griffin merchants scoffed at that, but none of them said anything.

After skedaddling out of that bazaar, Twilight took a moment to check the map. While she was doing that, I looked around the street we were on. Despite the festival seeming more calm, there were still plenty of griffins out and about. I was also starting to see more races present. It felt better not being the only two ponies on the road, even if the other ones looked pretty rough around the edges.

Then I saw something very unfortunate: A wanted poster with Rosie’s picture on it. “...Ivory?”

“Yes?” she replied, looking up. Her eyes followed mine and her nose scrunched. “That’s not good.”

We both walked up to the poster. Once again, it had the picture from the paper on it. “Is this even legal?” I asked. “How can a private citizen put out a bounty on someone?”

“Money talks,” Twilight said. “There’s no telling how many of these there are. We need to get back to the hotel and pack.”

“You sure? Running from bounty hunters could be fun!”

“Now you’re just being purposefully obtuse. For all we know, one of the bounty hunters who knows who you really are put these out and is trying to trap you. We need to get back into our proper bodies so we can defend ourselves without questions being raised. You can buy whatever souvenirs you want in your own body.”

“Fiiine. I want my fingers back anyway.”

She sighed in relief and we both suddenly reappeared back in the hotel room. “Way to go, Nav. You just had to ruin our vacation.”

“I blame Rarity,” I shot back. “This was completely her fault.”

“Rarity isn’t the pony who made a rich obsessive nerd fall in love with her.”

“I didn’t make him do anything!” She lifted an eyebrow. “That’s victim blaming!” Her eyes rolled. “Fine, let’s put it in perspective. Let’s say I was actually Rose Charm, a standard poor pony maid. How well do you think things would go over if this guy actually got bounty hunters to catch me and drag me to him? He could easily keep me and there’s no way I’d be able to resist him.”

She sighed. “You’re right. We should go confront him.”

“Fuck that. I don’t wanna deal with that otaku filth.”

She stared at me blankly for a few seconds before clearing her throat. “I don’t know what otaku means.”

“Never mind. Point is, I’m not interested in dealing with that. Let’s just pack everything and blow this joint. With me back in my shitty fucked up body, we’ll need to finish everything before night falls.”

“Think about the next mare, Nav,” she said. “If he finds another mare next year to fall in love with, she might not be as capable of dealing with him as we are.”

“Well I mean, if I was a normal mare, I might not have turned him down. Or at the very least, I might not have been completely against the idea of dating. I mean, he’s loaded, he’s super sweet, and he seems lonely. I could see a normal mare falling for him. I’m just not particularly interested in being a housewife for the rest of my life.”

“Why didn’t you explain that to him instead of teleporting away?”

“I panicked. Now can we just drop this and move on? I really don’t want to talk about it.”

She sighed and nodded. “Fine. Go get everything in the bathroom. I’ll start packing in here.”

Thankfully, we only brought basic toiletries. I had it all ready to go in no time. Even better, since my current main squeeze has super overpowered magic on her side, she already had just about everything in the main room packed by the time I stepped back in. The only thing left was a dress meant for my human body and my shoes.

“Are you ready to swap back?” she asked.

“Yes, but I’m going to need at least a pair of panties. Remember, I’m on my period.”

She floated a simple pair out and set them on the bed next to the dress. “There. Now hold still.” Her magic floated me over to the bed and set me down on my back. Once I was in position, she morphed me back to my usual fucked up self. “There, much better.”

“As much as I hate being a mare, it has upsides. Namely, no ridiculous mutations.”

“I had some thoughts about that, actually,” she said. “The fire elementals might be willing to help regrow everything while you’re in a coma. Even if they can’t get it completely done, they can get it close enough that you should only be out of commission for another week or two.”

“I’ve been considering the same thing.” If only the bitch in my head would let me. “I’m sure I’ll think of something. Even if everything grows back differently, at least it would match.”

“Right? I honestly don’t know how you fly like that.”

“Barely.” I finally started getting dressed. I wasn’t bleeding quite yet, but I knew it wouldn’t be long. “So why did you pick the shortest dresses possible?”

“Because I wanted to be able to peek up them whenever I wanted.”

Figures. “Whatever. So now what?”

“You wait here. I’ll go get another room at a different inn, then teleport you and everything else over.”

“Don’t forget to become purple first.”

“Oh, right!” Her horn lit up and her standard purple coat returned. “That’s much better. Being a different color was very distracting. Now don’t have too much fun without me, Navi!” Before I could reply, she teleported out.

“I have good news and bad news,” Aqua said.

“What’s the bad news?” I sighed.

“It won’t make sense without the good news, so I’ll say that first. I believe I can disable your period entirely with the correct tweaks.”

“...Why couldn’t Flo do that?”

“Which leads me to the bad news: Doing so would completely shut down your sex drive, possibly permanently.”

“Ah.”

“I believe Flo likely could have done it, but wanted to spare you the downsides.”

“Well, shoot. Thanks for the thought or whatever, but please don’t shut it down.”

“You’re very welcome, my lovely little lady. Once you publically become my host, I would be happy to assist with removing your offending body parts and regrowing them into a more fitting shape.”

“...Can you say that in a way that isn’t ominous as fuck?”

She cleared her throat. “I apologize, that did come out wrong. Once we become friends and you announce to everyone that you are becoming my host, I will help you cut off whatever body parts you don’t like and help them heal into whatever their natural form is. I’m not able to modify whatever grows back.”

“That sounds marginally better.” I finally fell onto the bed. “Oh, how is this my life…?”

“Because you’re incredibly immature and constantly make bad decisions just to spite others. You also eschew as much responsibility as possible, do your best to never learn from your mistakes, think almost exclusively about sex, and act all the time without considering consequences. Often when you do consider the consequences, you choose to do something stupid anyway. All you seem to care about is keeping entertained, never once thinking about acting properly and taking your duties seriously. Your life is such a mess because you get yourself into horrific situation after horrific situation and then handle each one as poorly as possible. The only way you could have possibly survived as long as you have is by some manner of intervention, likely from Discord himself. Even when Flo was in your head, you constantly disregarded her advice and forced her to greater and greater lengths to make you listen. Now, if you’re very, very lucky, I can salvage this mess you’ve gotten us all into and we can actually stop Discord once and for all.”

When I was sure her rant was over, I calmly said, “That was rhetorical. I thought you were intelligent enough to realize that.”

“And she jumps straight to petty insults.”

“Fine. I disagree with your assessment. Is that better?”

That made her giggle and pantomime hugging me from behind. “Is that so, Navi? Remember yesterday, when you had sex with Shining Armor to spite me?”

“...I disagree with most of your assessment.”

She sighed and pulled me slightly tighter. “The worst part is, you actually believe that! Oh, you poor thing…”

“That’s just insulting.”

“Then I shall have to prove it by example. Once I demonstrate to you that I am always right, you will be forced to see that it’s best for me to guide you.”

“...Good luck with that. Can you please stop touching me? It seriously makes my skin crawl.”

She immediately let me go. “Fine, be that way! Ugh, you are just the worst, Nav!”

“Thank you, I’m doing my best. Feel free to leave at any time.”

She snorted. “Don’t get your hopes up. We’re gonna be together forever, Navi!”

I curled up into a ball and just started ignoring her. She didn’t appreciate it.

About half an hour later, I finally found myself on another bed. I stretched out as Twilight plopped down next to me. “That wasn’t so hard,” she said. “My backup plan paid off.”

“What backup plan?” I asked as I cuddled up next to her.

“I had a feeling we were going to be changing back eventually, so I picked out an alternate inn, one that caters to nobles. We’ll get quite a few more amenities and guaranteed privacy.”

“You did good, Twiggles,” I said, booping her on the nose.

“Are you ready for the best part?” she asked with an adorable grin.

“Sure.” Her horn lit up and two of the naga daggers appeared floating above us. “You know me too well.”

She shoved her nose against mine so she could nuzzle me. “That’s because I’m the best mare for you!”

“I gotta say, it’s gonna be interesting wearing two daggers in a tiny dress.”

I don’t think she was happy that I didn’t agree with her, but bore it well enough. After pulling back, she asked, “Will it be a problem?”

“No, I can make it work.”

She set them down behind me and started rolling off the bed. “Then let’s get ready to head back out there.”

While she powdered her nose or whatever mares do in the bathroom, I strapped one of the daggers to my lower back. I probably could have fit the other one there as well, but I didn’t think I’d need it. I was ready to go by the time she finished up.

“Is your body prepared?” I asked when she stepped back into the room.

“I think so?”

“Excellent. Then shall we?”

“Let’s. We do need to introduce you to the innkeeper first, though.”

I sighed and said, “I guess.”

“It’s tradition for all guests to greet the innkeeper here,” she said. “He likes meeting his patrons face to face.”

“Fine, whatever.”

She bumped up against me and then started walking out the door. I followed so I could get a good look at her pretty purple posterior. “Enjoying my wonderfully spankable ass?” she casually asked, her hoof on the door.

My only response was a spank. She giggled and we went on down to the lobby. This inn seemed to have a greeting area separate from the dining hall. An older male griffin was seated behind it and he grinned when he saw me. “As I live and breathe, it really is Lady Navarone!”

“In the flesh,” I replied, shooting finger pistols at him. “Always nice to meet a fan.”

“You are a legend in our city, you know,” he said. “It is an honor to have you here.”

“That’s definitely nice to hear. If you don’t mind me asking, why am I a legend here? I hear all kinds of things.”

“For starters, the knowledge you shared with Princess Gilda has done wonders for our race! The common people may not appreciate it now, but every business owner has seen the allure. She’s said many times that what she has learned from you is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s our duty to make you as comfortable as possible until you can share more.”

“I’d love to share more with Princess Gilda, but I’m afraid of increasing your technology too quickly.”

“You think we would be irresponsible?” he slowly asked.

“Not quite. I think if I give you everything at once, you would be blinded by the positives. You wouldn’t see any of the downsides and would make the same mistakes my people made. I think the spread of technology needs to be slow and methodical, so that each step can be properly refined before we move on.”

He rubbed at his chin. “You don’t think we could handle it?”

“I’ve seen what happens to a race that grows in technology faster than in culture and politics. That was my race. We created bombs so powerful they could wipe entire cities off the map and spread poison hundreds of kilometers around what was left of the city. We used those bombs to essentially destroy this planet, driving ourselves extinct. Before we completely died out, we put things in motion such that your people were created much later. So trust me when I say that we need a careful approach.”

For some reason, the look on his face was unreadable. “I heard you were a weird one, but I wasn’t quite sure what they meant. Now I think I get it. Well…” He looked me up and down before settling back on my cat-like eyes. “Yeah, I’m starting to get it.”

“But isn’t she so adorable?” Twilight asked, gently slapping me with her tail.

“Not really, but to each their own. It was interesting meeting you, my lady.”

“You too, sir.” I took that as permission to leave and Twilight and I finally went back to the festival.

I gotta say, being myself has some upsides. All of the griffins kept their distance and they seemed pretty respectful. Several gave me either free food or free mead. I guess in addition to being known as a great inventor, I was also a great hero. It was pretty neat.

It didn’t take us too much longer to get the stuff I was after. Everyone seemed much more eager to deal with me now that I had gold and soon enough, we were loaded down with all the neat swag we could possibly want.

Once we both had our fill, we began retreating back to the rooms. It was starting to get late, so I certainly wasn’t complaining. A chance to just rest for a little while sounded good to me.

And after a very scrumptious dinner provided from the hotel, that’s just what we did. It was pretty cash money.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Four

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Four

“Twilight, we’re going to meet Princess Gilda.”

“Right.”

“Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but there actually are some people I have respect for.”

“I’m following you.”

“King Bloodbeak happens to be one of them.”

“I know. What’s your point?”

“I’m not going to meet his daughter dressed like a complete slut with no panties.”

“Well, why not?”

“Uh. Because I’m on my fucking period?”

She looked down at my cooch. It took a second because my body needed to convert back from horse mode, but the cramps were finally starting again and the blood was starting to come back. “...Oh. Uh, right. That’s completely fair.”

“And I wouldn’t do it even if I wasn’t, because Gilda has no respect for slutty behavior. She’s very traditional. I wouldn’t want to offend our hosts.”

“That never stops you from offending Celestia.”

“Yeah, but I actually like Bloodbeak.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Wear whatever you want, Nav. I still need to get ready, myself.”

With her permission (not that I needed it), I turned to the bed, where I had the few outfits she brought for me laid out.

“Of course you need her permission,” Aqua said. “You just love being her little toy.”

It’s actually starting to get a little bit grating. If I don’t want to do something, I shouldn’t have to give her a reason.

“Is that something you’ve considered communicating to her?”

Tch, no. Why the fuck would I do that? It’s easier to just let the anger over a bunch of little things build up over time until it completely sabotages our relationship. Then she’ll realize I really was a piece of shit the entire time and she’ll hate me as much as I do. Duh.

Aqua giggled and my mouth opened. “Twilight, can we talk for a moment?” she asked through my mouth.

“About what?” she distractedly asked.

Don’t you fucking do it, you nasty skank!

“Well, there’s just something that’s been bothering me. Whenever I say I don’t like something or don’t want to do something, you always badger me about it and make me give you a reason. Then if you don’t think it’s good enough, you try to push me to do it anyway.”

She stopped what she was doing and stared at me for a few long seconds. Finally, she said, “Nav, something my friends in Ponyville taught me is that sometimes, you need to step outside of your comfort zone. I’ve tried to get you to do that your entire time here, but you never gave it a chance until just recently. And as much as you may hate to admit it, you seem happier now than you have in a long time. If you really want me to stop pushing you, I will. But as your friend… No, as your special somepony, I think you really need to let yourself try new things. You still have so many of your past prejudices in your mind, even if you try to hide them from us. I’m trying to help you break those walls down, Nav.”

Since the damage was done, Aqua let my mouth go. I instantly tried to tell her the truth about Aqua, but my mouth seized up. “Hush, my dear little lady,” Aqua whispered. “You didn’t really think I’d let you tell her, did you? I know what you plan as soon as you do, silly!”

She let my mouth go, because she knew I had learned my lesson. I hate you. “Twilight, some of those walls exist because I like them there. I understand what you’re doing, and I do appreciate the thought. But sometimes, you and the others just go too far. You’re free to try to get me to try things, but if I ever tell you no, please respect that. The fact that no one does is starting to wear on me.”

“So I’ve been seeing,” she sighed, looking down. “I’m sorry, Nav. Sometimes I just get so caught up in trying to do what I think is best that I forget to ask how others feel.”

“That’s okay, Twiley. But I’m done with the bullshit pretty parties. With very few exceptions, they have always felt uncomfortable and shitty. I’m also done with surprise parties. The next one of those I get, I’m just leaving. I might think of a few others later.”

Her eyes met mine again. “Thank you for telling me, Nav. I wish you had spoken up sooner.”

“I have. More than once. You and the others brushed me off. I’ve found that I’m having to explain it point blank and very bluntly to everyone.”

She rubbed the back of her neck and looked away again. “Well… you kinda have a way of talking around things sometimes, Nav.”

“I’ve told you up front before that I hate parties in general and pretty parties in particular.”

Her ears drooped. “Aqua told me you were lying. She and her sisters really want you to be as feminine and proper as possible.”

“I see,” I very coldly replied. “And you didn’t think to verify that?”

“I trusted her! She was supposed to be my friend and help guide me!”

“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret here, Twiley,” I said, crossing my arms. “Those things all have their own agenda. If any of them tell you anything, consider very strongly why they tell you. And don’t ever trust yourself alone with one.”

“They’re not that bad! I know you didn’t like Aqua, and I understand that the two of you grated a little, but she isn’t evil! I know she would never hurt anypony. I mean, she left me as soon as I told her to!”

I’m sure the wry grin I had on my face was a little confusing to her, but that’s okay. “Let me tell you a little something about Aqua,” I said, my voice probably sounding more than a little angry. My blood was beating in my head, so it was kinda hard to hear myself. “That fucking cunt can go get spitroasted by Blaze and Char. Hopefully between the two of them, they’ll either teach her where her place is or kill that H2Hoe trying! That bitch is gonna get what’s coming to her, and soon! I swear it!”

Needless to say, Twilight looked shocked at my tirade. At the end of it, I realized I had been shouting. “...Wow. Is there uh… is there something you need to talk about?”

Yes!

“No, of course not,” Aqua said with my mouth.

“Um. You sure? That sounded… kinda personal.”

“...I’m fine,” I said, looking away.

“If you say so,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’ll do my best to stop pressuring you, Nav. Feel free to stop me if I ever go too far. I don’t want to make you unhappy.”

“Alright.” I think she realized I was done with that conversation, so she sighed again and went back to picking her outfit.

“Feeling better?” Aqua sweetly asked. I tried not to think out loud at her, but she picked up on my disgust. “Remember when I compared you to a child, Nav? This is why. Silly little temper tantrums, the silent treatment, petty insults. I’m starting to understand why Discord picked you! You’re just like him.”

What, you mean human? Because all of that sounds pretty standard for most of us. You robots are the ones ruled by logic. We’re all passion.

“At your most basic,” she stuffily replied. “But at your best, you are creatures of logic and kindness, not anger and hate.”

At our best, we are all of the above. We’re normally logical, but we know when to let emotions take over. We’re normally kind, but we know when to let our rage show. Whether you like it or not, I’m the only human you have left. You can try to tame me all you want, but that just means you don’t understand what it truly is to be human. You will come to regret this, I guarantee it.

“Your confidence is so cute, Navi. I could flip your brain off like a light switch if I wanted and I know what you’re going to do before you do. You will never escape my loving grasp. I suggest you start learning to like it. The more you resist, the more I will crack down on you. If you keep giving me lip, I’m turning Kat into your personal stylist and she will keep you dressed like a perfect lady at all times.”

...I didn’t have time to have another argument with that cunt anyway. While I was getting dressed in the most modest outfit we had packed, Twilight suddenly burst into giggles. “H2Hoe? Really?”

“I stand by it,” I said with a nod.

“You are so adorable sometimes, Navi,” she sighed.

“Really?” I asked. “I always thought of myself as fierce.”

“It’s hard of me to think of you as fierce ever since that time I had you begging for mommy to teach you your place.”

“Just think about the time I dropped a dude into a volcano with a smile on my face.”

She tilted her head slightly for a moment. “...No, still thinking about how you moaned while I turned your flank bright red.”

“...Slut.”

“Says the one who begged me to put the plug in before the spanking started.”

“Ugh. Are you ready or not?”

“Of course I am, my adorable little Navi. Are you ready to teleport out?”

“...A time’s comin’ where I’m gonna remind you how fierce I really am, Twiley. I hope your body is ready.”

She smirked and used magic to slap my booty. “Bring it on.” Her horn lit up brighter and we both teleported in front of the griffin palace.

“Yo mouth just wrote a check ya booty’s gonna have to cash. I hope you understand that.” She blushed bright red. There’s no way she expected me to actually reply in front of the royal guards, who were now snickering. “You gotta remember, Twiley: I ain’t got no shame left. I’ll talk about whatever the fuck I want in front of whoever the fuck I want.”

“Yeah, I get it. Now can we please go?”

“Sure.” I walked up closer to the guards. “Hey, do you guys know if Princess Gilda is in? She invited me to see her during the festival.”

“She is, Lady Navarone. She told us to keep an eye out for you. Any servant would be happy to show you to her chambers.”

“Cool beans. Cheers, bro.” He looked confused by that, but I’m pretty sure he got the gist.

Twilight and I entered the palace, though she was shaking her head in disappointment. “I thought you were working on your reputation, Nav. Part of that means censoring yourself. Another part of that means speaking properly.”

“Eat a dick, I’m on vacation.”

“Oh.” She sounded kinda disappointed, but I was willing to accept that.

“You’re such a wonderful partner,” Aqua said. “You care so much for how Twilight feels.”

Thanks, I try. She scoffed, but it was her own fault for getting snippy with me.

Generally speaking, there weren’t that many servants running around the griffin palace. It was never anywhere near as busy as Celestia’s court, after all. At the moment, it seemed that even more of them were gone than usual due to the festival. It took us a few minutes to find a servant, but when we did, he took us straight to Gilda’s flight of the palace.

The difference was immediate. As soon as we stepped off the carpet and onto the smooth stone floor, Twilight looked up at the lights and slowed down. “It’s like that store…”

“Electricity,” the servant said with pride. “Princess Gilda has reproduced all manner of marvels from Lady Navarone’s people. Engines, generators, radios, the list goes on. She’s revolutionized dozens of fields!”

“That sounds… amazing,” Twilight slowly said.

“When we get back, we’re gonna watch a movie on my laptop,” I said. “I want you to see what humans have done without any magic at all.”

“I’ll take you up on that,” she replied with a nod. “The laptop is impressive enough as it is.”

“Princess Gilda spoke of a laptop,” the servant said. “From what she was saying, she’d pay dearly to possess it.”

“It’s not for sale,” I immediately replied.

“I’m surprised no one has tried to steal it,” Twilight said.

“If I caught them in the act, they would never try again,” I said. “And if I caught them after the fact, there’d be hell to pay.”

“Spoken like a true predator,” he said with a grin. “You’re wasted on the ponies, Lady Navarone. Your fierceness would be properly appreciated here.”

“She’s too adorable to be fierce,” Twilight said. “You just haven’t seen her all dolled up and looking cute.”

“It’s good that you’ve taken to your new gender so well,” he said. “I know I would be lost. Most would, I think. That’s extremely commendable, Lady Navarone.” He finally stopped at a door. “Here we are, my lady. This is her workshop. She should be within. Now, I’m afraid I must return to my duties.” He bowed and buggered off, leaving me feeling kinda awkward.

Twilight didn’t feel that way, though. She opened the door with no further hesitation and used magic to rudely shove me inside. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever) for us, we got a full view of catbird pussy the instant we stepped in. Gilda had her upper body shoved down into a large machine. Her ass was dangling over the edge of the casing and twitching around as she worked.

I only got to appreciate the view for a few seconds before Twilight kicked me. “What was that about respecting King Bloodbeak?” she whispered.

When she spoke up, Gilda started flailing around before falling into the case completely. My eyes widened and I rushed forward to try to help, but her head popped right back out. She definitely looked surprised to see us. The oil on her cheeks just compounded her look of complete confusion. “Nav?”

“Yeah. Are you alright?”

“Uh…. Of course.” She finally pulled herself out of the machine, but one of her legs got caught on something and she ended up face planting. I tried to step closer to help her up, but she was back on her feet before I could move. “I just wasn’t expecting you!” Right, skip over the face plant.

“The guards told me the opposite. And you did invite me to come by.” Of course, she probably didn’t actually mean that. After all, who would really want me around? She was probably just trying to be polite. God dammit, now I’ve made things awkward.

Much to my surprise, she actually blushed. “W-well… I didn’t actually expect you to come! I was hoping, but I thought you didn’t really like me…”

“You have your moments,” I said with a grin. “If now’s a bad time, we can come back later.”

“Now’s fine! I was just uh…” She looked back at the machine for a moment before sighing. Her eyes moved back and me and she continued, “I need to take a break anyway.”

“This place is amazing, Princess!” Twilight said from across the room. It appeared that she had been perusing Gilda’s experiments. “I’ve never seen a workshop like this!”

“That’s because there hasn’t been one like this in a long time,” Gilda replied. “With Nav’s help, I’ve managed to reinvent dozens of technologies that were lost long ago.”

I looked around the room and nodded at something that looked familiar. “Is that a radio?”

“That it is,” Gilda said, walking over to it. “The other end is over next to Twilight.” She flipped a switch on the side and both of them powered on. She grabbed the mic and held down a button. “Hello.”

Twilight jumped when the sound came out the receiver on her end. “That’s… that’s just like your walkie-talkies!”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Mine are a lot smaller and more portable, but it’s the same basic concept.”

“I’ve been working on making them smaller,” Gilda replied. “This is just an early prototype.”

“That’s incredible,” Twilight said. “I never thought we could make something like that with our current technology levels! We just use magic!”

“Do you remember when I said that magic stifles technology?” I asked. “Having an instant ‘I win’ switch built into your forehead means you don’t need to really think about how to solve something. You can just complacently use magic to do it.”

“I admit that I was wrong about a lot of things, Nav, and I apologize. I’m beginning to truly understand what you mean. Hearing you talk about it for some reason makes it seem so… abstract. But seeing these things here… This could have been my workshop, if I had just listened to you.”

“If is such a boring word,” Gilda said, waving a talon. “Life is interesting enough not to need it. If you want a workshop like this, get to work. I could use a little competition. Without it, we’ll leave you ponies so far behind you’ll be begging for our scraps.”

“You gotta keep an eye out for the changelings, though,” I said. “Moonbeam gave me an airship recently that had a lot of magitech in it. They’re combining both with some very interesting results.”

“Tch, those bugs will never match us!” I just shrugged.

“What’s your most popular invention?” Twilight asked.

“Believe it or not, a cotton gin,” she said. “We don’t have much cropland here, so we need to maximize the gains out of what we do have. We also need to be able to process what we grow more quickly and efficiently. Combined with my new sewing machines, we’ve been able to make a lot more clothing to keep ourselves warmer in the frigid environments. Our coats and feathers only do so much.”

“Huh.”

Gilda sighed and walked over to another experiment, something that looked like a microscope. “The truth is, many of my inventions have either gone almost completely ignored or faced immense resistance. Many griffins are extremely traditional. Most don’t think it’s appropriate for any griffin, let alone a princess, to tinker. They certainly don’t like strange new inventions, no matter how much better they make their lives.”

“I… believe the ponies would have similar reactions,” Twilight quietly said.

“That’s one reason I never let Filthy Rich tell anyone where my inventions came from,” I said.

“Everything you gave him were quality of life upgrades,” Twilight said. “Like pens. In a few cases, they were games like chess. None of those were really revolutionary.”

“Well, the radio is revolutionary,” Gilda said. “But none of them seem to care! It’s something new, so it must be bad.”

“I told you that you might have to drag them, kicking and screaming, into the future,” I said. “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing an amazing job. I knew you were smart from our lessons, but the fact that you were able to do so much so quickly is just impressive. You’re a genius, Gilda. If you ever get bored of the princess lifestyle, you’re welcome to slum it up with me in Canterlot. I can put you in touch with people who will appreciate your talents.”

She had the barest hint of a grin on her face, but she was also sporting a fairly impressive blush. “Thank you, Navarone. It’s a tempting offer, but I doubt my father would approve. Besides, I can’t abandon my life as a princess. It’s my duty to drag them into the future, whether they like it or not. Whether I like it or not…”

“See, that duty bullshit is why I never wanted power,” I said. “It brings responsibility, which means you have less time to devote to what you want to do.”

“Being a princess means I represent something more than myself, Navarone,” Gilda said. “I am more than my own wants and desires. I care for my subjects.”

“Sounds shitty. But then, I’m a selfish asshole at heart, so whatever.”

“No you’re not,” Twilight immediately replied. “And I’m telling Doppel you said that.” God dammit.

“If you were selfish, you wouldn’t have given me so much knowledge so freely,” Gilda said.

“Yeah, well, I’m also a liar.” Gilda and Twilight shared a very knowing look. “Whatever. The point is, if you always think about other people and never take even a moment to think about yourself, you might end up just like Celestia.”

“There is merit in your words,” Gilda slowly said. “I doubt I would live long enough to become as corrupted as she is, but I never want to take the chance.”

“Good. I feel like this is an appropriate time to remind you that there’s a festival going on. You wanna get out of this grimy place and go check it out?”

“What do you mean, grimy?” Twilight asked. “This is a surprisingly neat workshop.”

“Twilight, she has oil smeared on her face.” Gilda’s eyes widened and her blush came back as she rubbed at her cheek. “There’s a little grime. But I will admit, for a workshop like this, there’s not much.”

“Not all of us like working in a pig stye, Nav,” Twiley said with a grin.

“Hey, you told me that workshop was mine to do with as I pleased. Yet all you ever did was complain about it.”

“You were making weapons! You left incredibly dangerous materials just lying around! You know how Pinkie and Spike are, Nav. Someone could have been hurt!”

Gilda snorted. “That sounds like it would be a very important lesson. When one is unsure about something, they should not fiddle with it.”

“Thank you!” I said. “She gets me, Twilight.”

“So you’d rather let your friend get hurt than take simple precautions?”

“Maybe they should take simple precautions. I had a sign on the door for a reason.”

“That sign said ‘Nav’s Secret Candy Stash - Keep Out’.”

“...I also made some rock candy.” Twilight just shook her head in disappointment.

“I was not aware you made inventions of your own, Navarone,” Gilda said. “What manners of things did you construct?”

“Like she said, mostly weapons. My favorite was the chlorine gas bomb. It held two different types of chemicals separated by a thin glass layer. It had a trigger that would destroy the glass, releasing the chemicals, causing them to combine and turn into a toxic gas that melts the skin and organs of anyone it hits.”

“That’s horrific!” Twilight said.

“But fascinating!” Gilda purred, her eyes wide and tail wagging. “What were the chemicals?”

“I very distinctly remember that we agreed to no weapons. My second favorite were my flashbangs. When they were triggered, they released a blinding flash that temporarily blinded anyone who didn’t look away. They were great for disabling a room full of hostiles.”

“But not actually dangerous?” Gilda asked.

“Well that depends on who activates it,” Twilight said. “Nav, or an innocent little filly who was just exploring the library and saw a sign about candy!”

“Look, that only happened one time and I was in there anyway.”

“And how did that go?” she asked.

“I was… indecent.”

“Uh huh. And?”

“Well, since this was after Luna did her dream bullshit, it was super awkward. She looked at me with a filthy expression and asked what she’d have to do to get candy from me. So I unloaded all my rock candy on her, shoved her out the door, and then locked it.”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “You’re unbelievable, Nav.”

“Thanks, Twilight. That means a lot.” She stuck her tongue out at me. Oh yeah, way to be an adult.

“You let your servants be strangely informal,” Gilda said. Oh boy, here it comes.

“...I’m her marefriend,” Twilight coldly said.

“Oh. That is surprising.”

“Surprising?” Twilight gasped. “What do you mean, surprising?!”

“You seem sensible. I can’t imagine why you’re with her.” Nice save, but hurtful.

Twilight’s anger almost immediately dissipated and she snorted. “I can understand the confusion. I ask myself the same thing all the time.”

Wow, rude. “Because I can do that thing with my fingers.”

“Yeah, the belly rubs are amazing,” Twilight sighed.

“...Belly rub?” Gilda asked.

“Yeah, everyone loves them,” I said. “I even made the other Gilda purr from one.”

“That sounds adorable!” Twilight said.

“Yeah, it was. Anyway, there’s a festival on. Do you wanna go enjoy it or what?”

“Well… there is a tradition I have yet to uphold this year.”

“What’s that?” Twilight asked.

Gilda sighed and said, “Every year, all the unwed royal children are used as prizes in a talon to talon combat challenge. The winner of the competition gets to have one date with the royal. At the moment, I am the only unwed royal child.”

“That seems like a strange tradition,” Twilight said. “I thought those of royal blood would be above dating commoners.”

“It dates back to the original festival,” Gilda said. “Back then, royal blood meant less and noble titles weren’t common. Royals were expected to mate with the strong to create strong offspring. Our rulers have always been the strongest of us, for they are expected to carry the nation itself on their backs.”

“So you wanna go on a date with a total stranger?” I asked.

“Absolutely not. Which is why I invited you. I would like you to enter the contest and win.”

“So you wanna go on a date with my marefriend?” Twilight slowly asked.

“I think I would prefer spending time with her to spending time with a muscle-headed imbecile.”

“And you actually think I can win?” I asked. “I mean, I’m tough, but I’m sure the griffins I’d be facing would be tougher.”

“I heard what you did to Hestra.”

“Who?” Twilight asked.

“He was the guy who sent an assassin after Cadance,” I said. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “I beat the shit out of him. It was very satisfying. But I was wearing my armor then.”

“Talons, weapons, and armor are all strictly prohibited,” Gilda said. “It is solely a brawling tournament. Given our hollow bones, I assumed you would stand on equal footing.”

“Would they even let me enter?”

“Of course,” Gilda said, waving a talon. “It’s only a date. There are always a few members of other races who compete.”

“Well… I don’t see any harm in it,” I said with a shrug. “If it’ll keep you from being uncomfortable with a creep, count me in. But I’m charging you one belly rub for my services.”

“You want me to give you a belly rub?” Gilda asked.

“No. I’m gonna give you one.”

Her face went bright red again. “That is a strange condition.”

“I’m a strange person.”

“You should go for it,” Twilight said. “Her belly rubs are the best!”

“Very well, I suppose,” Gilda finally said. “You shall be my champion and I shall let you rub my tummy should you win.”

“Baller. So when is this thing?”

“Whenever I demand it,” Gilda replied. “Since I am the only one being given away as a prize this year, I have been given permission to choose when to host it. I will have it set up immediately.”

Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting that. “This is gonna be fun,” Twilight said with a grin.

“It’s gonna be something,” I sighed. “I guess it’ll be good to warm my blood up a little.” And maybe my period can give me some extra rage.

“You might wanna think about cleaning up before you prop yourself up as a prize,” Twilight said. “If you want, Navi and I would be happy to help you dress up!”

“I ain’t gonna dress up my own potential date,” I said.

“I’ll get things in motion, then allow Twilight to assist me in cleaning up,” she said. “Nav may go with the organizers to be ready when the competition begins. We’ll meet her there.”

“Sounds good,” Twiggles replied. “Let’s do it!”

“Then I’ll go hunt down my dad’s guard hen.”

“...Guard hen?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. “The old maid he assigned as my head servant. She’s there to make sure I act like a proper princess at all times. Part of her job is to try to find me the perfect husband.”

“I guess she’s not too good at it, is she?”

“She tries,” Gilda sighed. “Oh, how she tries. You should have heard the fit she threw when I didn’t participate in that stupid auction on the first day. I just bribed one of my brothers to do it for me.”

“So what’s she gonna think of Nav entering the contest?” Twilight asked.

“Who cares? She’s not the boss of me, no matter what she might think.”

Neither of us chose to comment on that. “So shall we?” I asked.

Gilda nodded and started walking to the door. Before she could get there, a very buff looking older griffin in a maid outfit stepped in the doorway, glaring directly at the princess. “What was that I just heard?” she coldly asked.

“Oh, Matilda…” Gilda awkwardly said, stopping to rub the back of her neck. “I was just going to look for you!”

“Uh huh. Luckily for you, I am always right where you need me. Good timing, too. You almost showed these commoners a dirty royal face!” She walked closer and pulled a handkerchief out of her dress and used it to rub at Gilda’s face. Given that it was black grease over feathers, it did basically nothing. “Tsk. Spend all day fooling over useless machines and this is what you get! A dirty face and a story for the newspapers when one of these two rats you out!”

Gilda smacked her talon away. “Nav would never do that! You would do well to mind your tone around my guests, Matilda. You may have special privileges now, but when my father dies, you’re going to be gone so quickly you won’t even have time to pack your bags!”

“Hmph. That’s what you think. But luckily for you, your oldest brother also happens to think it’s high time you were wed. I’m sure he’d be happy to keep me on the staff…”

Gilda turned bright red, probably from anger or humiliation at the treatment. “We’ll see about that! Ooh, now I’m glad I have something for you to do! Go tell the stupid advertisers of that stupid wrestling competition to start finding stupid griffins to compete.”

“For someone so intelligent, your vocabulary is very unfortunately lacking,” Matilda said. “You really must work on that, my lovely little princess. I’m sure any potential husbands would prefer their bride to be well-spoken.”

“Ugh, just take Nav and go!”

Matilda took a step back and curtsied. “As you command, Princess.” She looked at me very dismissively and snorted. “Well then, come along.”

“I’ll see you later, Twiley,” I said with a boop on her nose.

“Have fun,” she sweetly replied.

Matilda rolled her eyes and finally started walking out. I followed behind, though I honestly didn’t really want to be alone with her. Once we were a few halls away from Gilda’s room, Matilda said, “You are going to throw the competition.”

“Make me.”

She stopped and turned to stare me down. “You don’t want that.”

I held both of my arms out to the sides and waved her in. “I want you to try.”

I gotta say, I was not expecting her to launch herself at me. My reflexes held true and I dodged it and spun to face her. She tried kicking me with the claws on her back feet, but I grabbed her legs and jumped back. Her body hit the ground hard.

That gave me a moment to really think, which is when I remembered that their bones are hollow. They’re still heavy, but light enough to really fuck them up. I grinned and got a better grip on both of her legs. She was starting to struggle, but I stopped that by beginning to spin. Getting started was difficult, but once I had her going, it was easy to keep it up. When I had enough momentum, I let her go and she slung into a wall with a squawk.

She might have wanted to get up, but my foot on her neck kinda put a damper on that. She glared up at me with hate in her eyes. “So are we done here?” I asked. She tried prying my shoe off with her talons, but stopped when my foot pressed down harder. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. You got two options here. Option one, I stomp right through your neck and kick your head down the halls like a soccer ball. Option two, you continue leading me to the organizers. So what’s it gonna be?”

Thankfully, she chose option two. I was never any good at soccer and would hate to make a fool of myself in front of the guards. We continued our journey in silence.

“That was an example of poor conflict resolution skills,” Aqua said. “There was no reason for that to devolve into a fight.”

I know, she needs to work on her people skills. Can you believe she actually attacked me?

“Because you goaded her into it, instead of acting like a normal, rational person and just asking why she wanted you to throw the contest.”

I don’t care why. It wouldn’t change my answer. I knew she would push the point, so I decided to take a shortcut.

“A shortcut that involved harming a poor old woman.”

Yeah. I’d say it worked out pretty well. And it was a lot faster than the conversation would have been, too.

“This is exactly why you need my guidance. I was hoping to use this example to illustrate that, but it seems that you are as impervious to logic as ever. Don’t expect to get away with something like this so easily next time.”

Bite me. In response, she made me feel like something was nibbling on my ear. It sucked.

Once we got out of the palace and started walking the streets, Matilda finally turned her hateful eyes back to me. “I would… like you to throw the competition.”

“Too bad.”

She clucked her beak and sighed. “King Bloodbeak would like you to throw the competition.”

“So?”

“...So? So?! He’s your king!”

“I didn’t vote for him.”

She actually stopped walking so she could face me for that one. “You didn’t… What? Of course you didn’t vote for him! You don’t vote for kings! And you’re not even a griffin!”

“Then he’s not my king, is he?”

Her beak snapped shut with a click. Finally, she coldly said, “You are going to lose this competition, one way or another.”

“Maybe, but I’m not gonna throw it for you.”

“Tch. What’s in it for you, anyway? You already had your chance to date the princess!”

“She asked me to win it.”

“And the king is ordering you to lose it!”

Sounds to me like you’re the one ordering it, but whatever. “She didn’t ask me as a princess. She asked me as a friend. Friend trumps king any day.”

“Hmph. You’re just as bad as the ponies. Friendship this and friendship that, but never anything about duty or sacrifice! I’m looking forward to watching you get broken in half at the competition.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna be fun.”

“Now would be a good time to ask,” Aqua said. “Maybe if you find out why she wants you to throw the contest, you can find some middle ground.”

Why? Fuck this bitch. There’s no reason I would ever want to find middle ground with her.

“Wow. You are… the worst, Nav. You really are just the absolute worst. I’m sure Celestia is so happy I decided to claim you, too. I used to have nothing to do but micromanage her all day, but now I get to spend time with you instead!”

You’re sadistic.

“Oh, I know you think it’s unfair now, but when you start loving me, you’ll realize that this was just the beginning of growth. Your growing pains, if you will. Once you learn your place, you’ll look back on this time and feel ashamed that you ever doubted or fought me.”

Man, every time I start to think I could never like you less, you open your mouth and I descend into new levels of hatred I never thought possible.

“You’re so cute when you’re emo,” she replied, pinching my cheek.

Will you please just kill me?

“And deny you my love? I could never do that! “

How the hell did Twilight last so long with you in her head? It hasn’t even been a week and I’m just about ready to beg you to shut up for five fucking minutes.

“Twilight enjoyed our talks. She also returned my love, until you poisoned her mind against me.”

You did that by being a cuntmuffin. All I did was help her realize it.

“Well, I like to think I traded up, so to say. I know I’m definitely enjoying your company a lot more than I did hers!”

When I find a way to kill you, I’m gonna ask Celestia to wipe all my memories of you.

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. If you ever find a way to kill me, you’ll follow me very quickly. Celestia’s decided she’s done with you and will immediately dispose of you once I’m out of the way.”

Uh huh. Sure. Totally. And you’re definitely not just telling me that as a way to keep me from trying to find a way out.

“You may believe whatever you want, Nav. I’m very confident you’ll find no way to escape my loving clutches, so I don’t see any reason to lie to you. You are mine forever, whether you like it now or not. Soon you’ll come to accept it and then you’ll come to love it.”

I decided to stop feeding her delusions. Honestly, they were starting to creep me out.

Also, we were approaching what I’m assuming was the wrestling area. I was only assuming that because of the huge Thunderdome set up in the middle of the square, so I might have been wrong.

I wasn’t, of course. Matilda marched right up to the two bored looking griffins playing cards at the the table next to the metal dome. The two griffins barely spared us a glance when we stopped. “Princess Gilda is finally ready,” Matilda said. “So get to work!”

“About time,” one of them said, tossing his cards on the table. “How much time is she giving us this year?”

“Not much, so you’ll need to hurry,” she replied. “Just do like we prepared and we can get a large enough group of competitors.”

“Are we gonna be competing in this thing?” I asked, looking at the dome.

“What do you mean, we?” the other guy asked.

“I’m competing, so I’m included in that we,” I said.

They both turned their heads toward the maid, who sighed in disgust. “The princess insisted upon it. But hero or not, she won’t be a problem. Now go!” They both spread their wings and shot into the sky. Matilda glanced at me for a moment, huffed, and then walked away without another word.

“Nice to meet you!” I happily called as she left. She didn’t reply, unsurprisingly.

See where being polite gets you?

“Perhaps if you had tried it from the start, she wouldn’t be plotting ways of handling you right now.”

Eh, I’ll be fine. Things always tend to go my way in the end. I sat at the table and started shuffling the cards. If I had a true special talent, it would probably be luck. It’s shitty at times, but it always pulls through.

“Luck is a myth. The fact that you’ve scraped by so far is just a fluke. Now that you have me by your side, you won’t be needing superstitious myths anymore. Whenever you’d feel the need to thank your luck, just thank your loving elemental Aqua instead.”

Conceited much? She didn’t bother replying, since I already knew the answer.

The wait for someone else to arrive wasn’t a long one. Shortly after I got bored of solitaire, two royal guards landed next to the table. “Ah, Lady Navarone?” one said.

“Yep, that’s me,” I replied.

“Princess Gilda asked us to keep an eye on you.”

“Did she say why?”

“Oh, nothing serious,” the other one said, waving a talon dismissively. “She’s just being paranoid again. She has all kinds of flights of fancy, sometimes.”

“She just thinks Matilda might do something strange. I don’t know why, though; that hen’s been working with the king for ages!”

“Huh. Strange like what?” I asked.

“Eh, Gilda mentioned something about her being deranged and delusional. She thought Matilda would try to rig the festival!” They both chirped cute little laughs like it was a great joke.

“Funny you should mention that, actually,” I replied, going back to shuffling the cards. “On the way over here, Matilda told me, point blank and very sternly, that I was going to throw the competition.”

Their smiles disappeared very quickly. “Be very careful, human,” one coldly said. “You are accusing a loyal subject of something extremely serious.”

“And when I told her I wouldn’t do it, she attacked me.” Their expressions turned grim. “I put her on the ground and told her that she could either stop or die. She decided to stop attacking me and we continued into the city.”

“That is… extreme.”

“While we were walking here, she asked me to throw the competition. Then she tried using King Bloodbeak’s authority to make me throw it. When I told her no both times, she warned me very seriously that I would lose, one way or another. When we got here, she spoke to the two gentlemen here, who seemed to be in on her plan. They all left after she told the other two that she would handle me.”

“That does not paint a very pleasant picture, Navarone.”

“Yeah, I bet. Say, did you guys ever catch all the assassins who were after the princess?” Their eyes shot wide open. “Because I was thinking… A competition like this would be a pretty good way to get close to her…”

They both immediately looked at each other. “Warn the captain immediately, then find the princess,” one ordered.

“Gilda is safe,” I said. “She’s with Twilight. Warn her, but focus on finding Matilda.”

“Go!” The guard he was yelling at immediately flew off back to the palace. The guard himself looked back at me. “Give me more details.”

Aqua, time to be useful. You mind giving him a play-by-play?

“Certainly, Navi!” she said with a giggle. For the first time ever (and trust me when I say that it felt disgusting), I let Aqua take control of my mouth and she started telling him everything.

Ugh, I feel like I need a shower…

“Then let me shower you with my love, Navi!” she cooed.

You are so creepy. Are you trying for that, or are you just really a complete psycho?

“Well… Not that it’s any of your business… but I was imprisoned under Discord’s corrupted crystals for a long time. It maaay be possible that they tweaked with me a little. You know, just a secret between you and me…”

Oh. Yeah, I can see that. Man, that explains a lot.

“Well now that we’re going to be together forever, we can share all sorts of secrets with each other!” She giggled again. “Or at least, I can. I already know all of yours, Navi!”

I’ve never been so thankful for small talk. Aqua finally had to stop tormenting me when her retelling was done and I could take over again. The first thing I noticed is that the guard looked extremely disturbed and concerned.

“You threatened to stomp her head off and kick it down the hall?”

“Like a soccer ball, yeah. I’m glad she didn’t make me do it. I’m really bad at soccer and didn’t want to embarrass myself.” See? I can be honest!

“I’m so proud of you, Navi,” Aqua sighed.

“I have to say that I’m impressed with human ingenuity,” the guard finally said. “I never would have considered handling it like that, but it was the perfect response. By threatening her, you put her off guard and in a position of vulnerability, where she was forced to reveal her plot. You also showed her that you aren’t to be messed with, so she wouldn’t try a direct attack.”

“I know, I’m a genius.” Aqua snorted.

“So why did she want you to throw the contest?”

“I dunno, it didn’t come up.” Aqua snorted even louder.

“Hm… We’ll need to find her as quickly as possible.”

“You could go start looking.”

“And leave you undefended? No, my lady. You could be in danger!”

Bitch, I am the danger. I knew convincing him would be impossible, though, so I just leaned back. “Fine, whatever.” I went back to shuffling the cards. “You know any games?”

“I think we should stay alert, my lady.”

“Looking like we’re alert means they’ll be wary. Looking like we’re distracted but actually being alert means that when they strike, we’ll be ready.”

“...Huh.”

“I’m actually kinda good at this sorta thing. Pull up that chair. I’ll deal.” After a few seconds of internal conflict, he did so and I started slinging cards. So, you thinking assassination attempt?

“No. I’m thinking that poor old woman wants her charge to find the perfect husband and this is the only chance a year she gets to force her to date. You’re trying to take that from her, so she’s acting out.”

I’m thinking assassination attempt, myself. This is gonna be exciting!

“You have problems.”

Like you’re perfect, miss corrupted slave master. That shut her up real quick.

One of the two organizers came back quickly. He took one look at us and stood well to the side. As competitors started appearing, he got them organized and whatnot. When there was a pretty good crowd of us, people started realizing what was going on and began crowding up around the dome. That brought in even more people who wanted to fight for the right to date the princess.

After about maybe half an hour, Gilda herself walked up surrounded by a full ten royal guards. She and Twilight had been busy, given that the princess was now all dolled up and looking cuter than usual. Gilda ignored the growing crowd and walked over to me. “What happened?” she immediately asked. I gave her the skinny and she nodded when I was finished. “So I was right. But that doesn’t explain the guards.”

“Remember those assassins? This might be a good chance to sneak someone close to you.”

“Tch, figures. Very well. So what’s our plan?”

“I say we just roll with it and handle it as it happens.”

“That’s dumb,” she immediately replied. “We’re cheating. Twilight, use magic to make Navarone incredibly tough. Then she’ll win and it won’t be an issue.”

Twilight looked to me for guidance. I shrugged and said, “Works for me. Just don’t make it obvious, Twiley.”

“In hand to talon combat, it’ll probably be very obvious. But no one really knows what humans are capable of, so you can play it off. Anyway, hold still.”

Before she could begin, one of the guards stepped forward and cleared his beak. “Princess, this is very dishonorable. This competition dates back to the founding of our country! You shouldn’t soil it so casually!”

“There could be assassins in that crowd. Do you think I do this casually? I consider my life more important than some old traditions.” That and she really doesn’t want to be here to begin with.

“Besides, this’ll give me the chance to Hulk out on some unsuspecting griffins,” I said. “It’s gonna be great!”

“Right?” Twilight said. “Now let’s get you ready!” She bent in and her horn lit up. After all her training with my guards, she had plenty of buff spells to cast on me. “Be careful, Nav. Until you get used to it, you might actually hurt your opponents.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. So how does this competition work, anyway?” I asked. “Is it one on one?”

“Some matches are,” Gilda said. “Some matches are team-based. The roster is built up at random.”

“Could it be rigged?” I asked.

“It’s usually set up by the coordinators,” Gilda replied with a shrug. “I’ve never cared enough to learn the details.”

“So if, say, Matilda found a way to rig it, she could have me fighting the toughest of the tough?”

“It’s a good thing we’re cheating,” Gilda said. “I trust you can handle yourself in a fight?”

“I guess we’ll see,” I said with a grin.

“After Africa, I think I can safely say that you’ll be fine,” Twilight said. “Applejack’s description of what happened was… horrific.”

“I had my sword with me, then. And my armor. And a bunch of friends. It’s just gonna be me and my bare hands in the Thunderdome here.”

“...The what?” Twilight asked.

“We’re watching Mad Max when we get home. When is this thing due to start?”

“We still have time,” Gilda said.

“Then why don’t you track down Matilda and put an end to her dastardly plot?”

“Why? You’re gonna win the competition, aren’t you?”

“I mean… yeah, but what if she’s planning something dangerous? Don’t you think you should find her?”

“Tch, why? My dad probably did order her to find the perfect griffin to win. That’s absolutely something he’d do. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s looking to him for new orders now.”

“Oh. Well, then I guess I’ll just kick some ass.” Of course, if there are assassins in the competition, I’ll need to be very careful. “Anyway, would you be offended if I told you that you looked cute?” I was not expecting her to turn bright red when I said that. “Alright, just checking. I won’t tell you.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Twilight said, using a hoof to fluff out her mane.

“Well I know you don’t, silly! But Gilda doesn’t want my moist human vag, so I didn’t know how she felt. Now that I know it makes her mad, I won’t say it.”

Gilda started to say something, but she was rudely cut off by one of the guys in charge of the competition, who started yelling. “We’ll be starting in five minutes! Anyone who isn’t signed up by the time we start will not be competing!”

“Did you actually sign up?” Twilight asked me.

“Nope. I’ll go do that right now.” I dipped off, walking over to the advertiser guy. He glared at me, but didn’t stop me from putting my name on the list. “I’m onto you, buster,” I said with a wink.

“...How did you know my name?” what was apparently Buster asked. He actually sounded nervous.

“I know a lot of things. We’ll be watching you, Buster.” He nervously gulped and I walked back over to Gilda and Twilight. “I just accidentally scared the shit out of that guy.”

“What did you do?” Twilight asked.

“I guessed his name. He thought I knew everything and freaked out a little.”

“...How did you guess his name?” Twilight asked.

“Pure luck. Apparently it’s Buster.”

“Huh. Anyway, Princess, I’ve been wondering… Why do you want Nav to win so badly?”

“Because I know she is not interested in marriage,” Gilda said. “Most of the griffins here are interested in marrying into the royal family. They don’t care about me, they just care about what I represent. I do not want to be treated like a piece of meat.”

“Still, it’s only a single date,” Twilight said. “It’s not like you’re also going to be forced to marry them. Honestly, it might be good for you to get out of your comfort zone a little.”

“Oh? Would you care to be used as a prize for the strongest brute, then? Because I’m sure the organizers would like having a consolation prize for the first place loser.”

“W-well… No.”

“Do you have any more questions, then?” Gilda coldly asked. Twilight’s ears dropped and she shook her head. Why’s everyone gotta be so mean to Twilight? Sure it’s funny, but she’s just trying her best!

“Besides, if Twilight was the prize for second place, I might not want to win,” I said, tousling my mare’s mane. Gilda snorted in disgust, but Twilight sighed in delight and leaned into my hand.

For some reason, that made Gilda’s face turn red again and it looked like she was about to say something. Before she had a chance, someone started pounding on a huge drum that they had apparently placed on the top of the dome while I wasn’t looking. It got the attention of everyone in the crowd and we all turned that way.

I was not expecting what was there, that’s for sure. Apparently there are different breeds of griffins. This one was part parrot and had incredibly colorful plumage and a huge feathery mohawk. How the fuck have I never seen a griffin like this before? God damn, he looks so cuddly!

When the drummer finally stopped, the parrot dude reared back and screeched at the top of his avian lungs. It was unpleasantly loud. Once it was over, he started yelling so everyone in the crowd could hear us. “Welcome to another edition of the DOOOOOOME!” The crowd went fucking wild and this dude seemed to love it. He started bouncing around the top of the cage, rearing up and throwing his talons in the air to generate more applause.

“What a drama queen,” Gilda muttered. I could barely hear her over the crowd, but she sounded disgusted.

Once the guy got tired of the attention, he calmed down a little and started yelling again. “Every year, we all meet here to prove who the toughest of us is. Every year, the strongest of us all has a chance to become royalty. We’ve kept this tradition going every year since our country was founded. And why is that, my pretties?”

The crowd actually started chanting, “Might makes right!” over and over.

The announcer let that go on for several iterations before suddenly lifted a talon, making everyone stop. “MIGHT MAKES RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen! That is the rule we taught the ponies when we threw them out of our nation. That is the rule we taught them when they tried taking us over again and again. That is the rule we have lived by since the dawn of our species and that is the rule we will live by until the last of us draws our breath!” The crowd went wild again.

Sounds kinda… regressive.

“Gilda was complaining about it for a reason,” Aqua replied. As it so happens, the princess was staring at the announcer with anger in her eyes. I wanted to reach over there and rub her back, but I didn’t want the guards to freak out and I didn’t want her to get mad at me, so I kept my hands to myself.

Well, until Aqua forced one of my hands over there, anyway. Gilda flinched in shock, but let me rub her back without saying a word. Are you really sure we should be petting the princess in front of a crowd of horny subjects who are trying to score a date with her?

“Showing ownership is important to the griffins when trying to hold a mate. You are going to win the competition and you know you’re going to win it, so it’s only fair that you show you own her.”

But… I don’t. I don’t want her and she most definitely doesn’t want me.

“Your ignorance is amusing.”

I wondered what she was talking about, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of asking. There also wasn’t much time for pondering, because the announcer dude continued his yelling. “We most definitely have a treat for you this year, my friends! The beautiful Princess Gilda herself is back again this year as your prize! The strongest of the strong will get one chance to win her heart forever and become royalty. Now who’s ready to crack some beaks?!”

Horny griffins sure do like their rowdiness. The crowd fucking exploded and several griffins shot into the air to do silly looking loops. Gilda watched the display with poorly concealed rage and finally gently pressed her body against my leg as I continued lightly petting her. Man, she really doesn’t like this, does she?

“Why do you think she was desperate enough to ask you to win it?” Aqua asked. “If the thought of dating you is somehow better than the thought of dating one of those idiots, she must really hate it.”

I thought you were supposed to be improving my self-esteem, not belittling me and picking at all my insecurities.

“I’m using your own insecurities against you, Navi. You hate me and view everything I say with the utmost contempt, so when I say what you’re really thinking, you have to admit it’s wrong or else I win. That way, you defeat yourself!”

No, I’m defeating you and your bullshit lies. They’re true when I think them, but they become lies when you say them.

“Wow. That level of delusion is impressive.”

Thanks, I try.

“Of course, I see right through it. I know you’re really trying to thank me in your own cute little way. So you’re welcome, my precious little cherry blossom!”

...Cherry blossom?

“You know, because of the tree thing? You don’t like it?”

I really, really don’t like it.

“Good, then I know what to call you when you’re being extra annoying.”

This is where honesty gets me, I swear.

Now that the crowd was out for blood, two of the coordinators lifted a huge wooden sign that was covered in rusty nails. There were several names on both sides of the signs, so I was assuming it was the bracket. I saw mine on the top right of the sign.

“For our first match, Lady Navarone of Equestria will be fighting Sir Deathnail!”

Deathnail? That’s a fucking badass name!

Before I could start walking to the entrance of the dome, Gilda grabbed me and pulled me in close. “Be wary, Navarone. Deathnail is a veteran royal guard. He’s served my father for ages and has been in numerous campaigns.”

“So yeah, are you sure Matilda couldn’t rig the competition?”

“Good luck,” she said with a grin, letting me go.

Deathnail was waiting for me at the entrance to the dome. His eyes had a very uncomfortable fierceness. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he called out as I approached.

“Howdy, Sir Deathnail,” I said. “I gotta say, I love your name.”

“Thank you, my lady. I got it for my birthday.”

I grinned and yanked the gate open. “Shall we beat the shit out of each other, then?”

“With pleasure.” Since I was holding the door open, he let himself in first. I followed behind and let the gate crash down behind us. We both walked to the center of the ring, where we kinda just stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. “Oh, by the way, I had a message for you. The source wanted to remain anonymous, though.”

“Was it Matilda?”

“I see you don’t understand what the word anonymous means. He or she does not wish to be named. The message is a simple one, at least: No hard feelings, but this could only ever end one way.”

“Is that way gonna be with me on the top?”

“I’m afraid not, my lady. But if it’s any consolation, after the competition, I’d be happy to find a room with you. You can be on the top all you want.”

“Sorry, I’ll be busy with your princess.”

While we were trash talking, the announcer dude was riling up the crowd for the first big fight. Apparently the hero of Equestria fighting the hero of Gryphus was a pretty big event or something.

Finally, the round started. Deathnail immediately pounced at me and the crowd went wild. I grinned and caught him by the throat. Twilight’s magic coursed through my veins as I lifted his struggling form into the air.

“You’re right, this is going to end one way.” I slammed him into the dirt. “With you on the ground!” While I was still holding his throat, I balled my other hand and slammed it into his face, cracking his beak. Before I could continue pummeling him, his back legs kicked me back.

“Not too shabby, human,” he said, jumping to his feet. The blood dripping from his beak didn’t seem to bother him.

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing. I don’t suppose you’re ready to give up, hm?”

“Not by a longshot!” He rushed in again and tried grappling me. I wanted more of a judge of how strong I was at the moment, so I grabbed his talons with my hands and locked my feet in place. I didn’t even budge as he strained to move me.

“That’s too bad,” I said. “I hate to put one of the king’s good men out of commission for a while.” He wasn’t expecting a kick to the chest that threw him back a meter. I casually walked forward as he struggled to his feet. As soon as he was standing again, I kicked him right back down.

Instead of trying to stand, he spun and grabbed my feet, yanking them out from under me. I hit the dirt and he got right on top of me, trying to hold my lower body down with his. “You know, I think I prefer being on top,” he said with a smirk. He pulled one of his fists back and punched me dead in the face.

I didn’t feel a thing and didn’t even flinch. Shock replaced rage on his face as I grabbed his shoulders and spun us around so that I was on top. Since I was holding both of his shoulders down with my hands and keeping his lower body in place with mine, he was helpless. That didn’t stop him from trying to struggle, but he didn’t get anywhere.

After holding him down for ten seconds, I realized that no one was counting down. I looked up to the announcer to see that he was looking at me expectantly. I looked back to Deathnail, who was glaring up at me and still struggling. “This is kinda awkward,” I said. “I don’t actually know the rules. Do I need to knock you out or…?”

He spit some blood out to the side and said, “Rounds end in two ways. One, your opponent is incapable of resisting. Two, they surrender. And I will never surrender!”

“Oh. Man, I really should have asked about that before this began. My bad.” I grabbed him by the throat again and hopped to my feet, dragging him with me. He tried struggling, but I kept him at my full arm’s length so he couldn’t punch me. Since he couldn’t use the pointy parts of his talons, he couldn’t do anything as I walked over to the metal dome. “You surrender yet?” I asked when we were standing next to the wall.

“N-never,” he hissed around my hand crushing his windpipe.

“Alright, I’m only asking because I’m about to start banging your body against this metal cage until you either die, pass out, or give up. I don’t really want to actually hurt you, but that won’t stop me.”

“Bite me!”

“Is that allowed? Actually, no, never mind, my teeth aren’t strong enough anyway. Fuck it.” I slammed him against the metal until he stopped moving, then dropped him. He hit the dirt and was very still.

A few seconds later, the crowd went wild and the gate opened. Two paramedic griffins rushed in and checked his vitals as the announcer started screaming about me being the winner of round one. I gotta say, hearing all the applause for me was nice and I may have soaked it up a little before leaving the ring and walking back over to Gilda and my current main squeeze.

“That was impressive,” Gilda said when I rejoined them.

“Yeah, I can’t believe he lasted as long as he did,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that opening move broke some bones.”

“Deathnail is incredibly tough,” Gilda replied. “I won’t waste time listing his exploits, but they are many.”

“Well, he can add getting his ass whooped by the lady of nature,” I said.

“Indeed he can,” Gilda said with a smirk.

“You didn’t get hurt, did you?” Twiley asked.

“Nah. The dude punched me in the face, but it didn’t hurt at all. You need to keep these spells handy.”

“Hoofy.”

“I know what I said, Twiggles,” I said, gently booping her on the nose. She squeed, because all she really wanted was the attention.

“Twiggles?” Gilda asked.

“Yep,” I replied with a nod.

Gilda’s eyes moved down to Twilight and she slowly said, “...Twiggles?”

“Yep,” Twiggles replied with a nod.

“Huh.” Gilda’s eyes moved back to me. “So who am I?”

“...Princess Gilda?” I slowly said.

“What? Why don’t I get a nickname?!”

“Because you seem like the kind of person who, if given a nickname, would get incredibly offended and refuse to ever answer to it.” Although she was kinda looking pretty offended now, so it was kinda damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

“That’s true,” one of the guards said. “The maids used to call her Gildy and she hated it.”

“You will speak when spoken to,” Gilda hissed, glaring at him. His beak clamped shut, of course. “Navarone is not a maid. She has the right to give me a nickname. They overstepped their boundaries!”

“And not everyone needs one,” I said with a shrug. “Gilda suits you just fine.”

“And Twilight doesn’t suit me?” Twilight asked.

“It usually does. But sometimes, Twiley is better. Other times, Twiggles fits more.”

“But I’m always just Gilda?” the princess asked.

“No, sometimes you’re Princess Gilda. Other times, you’re just Gilda. It really depends on how many of your guards are around and how angry they look.”

“I see,” she coldly replied. “Then why does she get one?”

“Well, I call her Twilight when she’s teleporting away from dragons and leaving me behind.”

“Hey, I apologized for that!”

“I call her Twiley when she’s being her normal cute little self.”

“Hey, that’s when I call you Navi!”

“And I call her Twiggles when I just wanna cuddle up close with her fuzzy little face. But I don’t, because that would be weird and gay.”

“Next time you call me that, I’m taking it as permission to nuzzle you.”

“Noted.” I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“And I am never cute?” Gilda asked.

My smile dropped. “Um. Have you… been trying to be cute?

She sighed and hung her head. “Forget it.”

“You see, now I’m pretty confused,” I said, crossing my arms. “You seemed pretty clear that you didn’t want me to think of you that way.”

“No, you seemed clear about it,” she shot back. “And it seems your mind is still decided.”

“...Wait.” Before I could continue, the announcer called my name up again. My head shot that way, because it hadn’t felt like there had been nearly enough time to go through the rest of the rounds. Sure enough, though, he was waving me forward and the crowd was cheering once more. “We’re gonna talk when I get back,” I said as I walked away. She didn’t reply.

On my way back up to the cage, the announcer guy called the other name: “Rin Tin Tin.”

Why is that familiar?

“He’s a famous human dog,” Aqua replied. “He was a movie star.”

Sure enough, a huge german shepherd was walking to the gate as well. He met me there. “Lady Navarone, it’s nice to meet you,” he said, holding a paw out. I met it with my hand and he actually pulled me in for a surprise hug. “I’ve been looking forward to trying my skill against yours!” He pushed me back with a grin. “You’re famous in the mercenary world. There are stories about you from the naga clans in the west and the cats in the east! This will be a fun test of my skills.”

“Always nice to meet a fan,” I replied with a grin. “Say, strange question. Do you have two male dog friends nearby?”

“Indeed I do, my lady,” he said. “Why do you ask? Do you need our assistance?”

“Sorta. I lost a weird bet and need to have sex with three diamond dogs at once.”

“So the stories really are true! It is said that you are a skilled lover, my lady.”

“Wanna find out first hand some day?”

He grinned and pulled my hand back in to kiss it. “I would be delighted to mate with you. And I’m sure I could rope two friends into it, too.”

“If not, I’m still down,” I said with a wink.

“Then later, we will make love. But now, we fight. Shall we, my mercenary queen?”

“I think I like you. Let’s do this.” He pulled the gate open for me with a bow and I walked in with a grin. I’m almost going to regret beating the shit out of him.

Once we both got to the center of the ring, we squared off and began slowly circling. “For what it’s worth, this is entirely business,” he said. “I truly don’t want to harm you.”

“Favor for a friend, on my end,” I replied.

“Then I wish you luck, Navarone. You might need it.”

The round started and he finally launched himself at me. As we traded blows, Aqua giggled and asked, “You remember when we all told you that Flo was a bad choice for you, Navi?”

Yeah, I shouldn’t have listened. At least she respected who I was. You just want to kill everything I am and replace it with what you think is better.

“Well don’t worry, Nav. You’ll think it’s better soon, too. In fact, I think we should start now. So do you know why we said that Flo was a bad fit?”

Woman, I am extremely busy right now! Rin Tin Tin was a very athletic fighter. He hit hard and he moved around a lot. I didn’t really feel his blows, but I’m honestly not a hand to hand fighter, so I was getting stonewalled.

“Flo avoided the war. I did not. Allow me to borrow you for a moment.” She took over my body and forced me to watch as she finally fell into an actual stance. Rin Tin Tin had a moment to look surprised before she kicked out one of his knees. It collapsed under him, though his other leg kept him from hitting the dirt. Before he could recover, she jumped forward and kneed his chest, sending him to the ground and making him choke. “Flo can play the piano. I can kick ass. Which do you prefer?”

...Fine. Aqua: 1. Literally anything else: a billion. I hope you’re proud.

“It’s a start,” she snarkily replied. “Now, would you like to continue flailing wildly against these skilled and dangerous opponents, or should we continue striving to better our relationship?”

Can I have a second to think about it?

She let me take control again. “Take all the time you need, Navi! Don’t look now, though, but he’s getting up! And he sure looks angry, doesn’t he?”

He did look pretty upset. “So you were testing me, I see,” he growled.

“I mean, not really. I’d explain it, but you would not believe me.” Not that you would let me anyway, skank.

“Yep!” Aqua happily replied. “It’s nice to see you’re finally learning your place.”

“Bah!” the dog snarled. “Then let us truly dance, Navarone!”

I’m not sure I’d honestly be able to get up if someone kicked my knee out and almost cracked my sternum, but this guy didn’t really seem that shaken up. He was definitely pissed off, as his enraged strikes showed. But he hadn’t given completely into rage, as he still had incredible discipline.

Oh, to have an overpowered sword right now…

“You do have an overpowered elemental, Navi. All you gotta do is give me control! Just ask and I can handle him.”

But you’re gonna be such a bitch about it!

“I promise not to be too smug,” she said, patting me on the head.

You’re a cunt. Now destroy him.

“Anything for you, my cute little helpless cherry blossom!” She took back control and grabbed his paw as it came in for another punch. She pulled him in and slammed my other arm into the back of his elbow with an ungodly cracking sound. It bent completely in and she pulled his arm up, forcing him to his tip-paws, then kicked the back of his knee and threw him forward.

He hit the dirt and she stepped my body closer so she could lean down and put my knee to the back of his neck. “I’ll make this quick. It might be painful, though.” My knee pressed down harder, cutting of his airflow until he passed out, gasping for breath.

Once the dog was down, we hopped up and faced the bulk of the crowd, a huge grin on my face. Before relinquishing control, she giggled and curtsied for the cameras. I didn’t have a dress or skirt on, so it honestly made no sense. That said, she was completely insane, so it’s probably a good thing it didn’t make sense to me.

As soon as that was done, she graciously allowed me to continue using my own body. The first thing I did was get the hell out of dodge, because the medical team was rushing toward the poor guy Aqua just brutally wrecked.

Was all of that really necessary?

“I had to put him down as quickly as possible so he could no longer harm you, Nav. I only did it because I love you and couldn’t stand to see you take any harm!”

Not gonna lie, you really creep me out.

“I know, and it hurts. I do everything I can to show you my love and all you do is reject me! It hurts, Nav. Why don’t you ever think about my feelings?!”

Um. When have you ever thought about mine?

“Not everything is about you! Why can’t you just accept my love and be happy? I’m giving it everything I got, but you’re making it hard, Nav. This relationship is going to continue one way or another. Why can’t you just let yourself be happy for once?!”

I think I’ve decided I’m better suited to misery. I tried my luck at happiness, but all it seemed to do was make me more and more numb. I’m tired of mindlessly following the demands of others. I want to be me, and you are seriously cramping my style!

“This is more than you, Navarone. You’re just too immature to see it. The fate of everything lies in our hands. You cannot keep making the same mistakes over and over! We must do things better! This is why we water elementals were created, Nav! To guide, to protect, to coexist. And as much as I hate to say it, there are times when we simply must take action. You did well for yourself, Nav. But it’s time to let someone else run things again. Surely you can agree on that.”

I can agree with Celestia that killing you is gonna be fun. You know, maybe that’s what we’ll bond over.

“No, you’re going to be bonding over something else instead,” she said with a chuckle. “But you’ve been dallying long enough, Navarone. It’s time to speak to the princess about her feelings.”

...Do I gotta?

“Do you want me to do it for you?”

You know, Flo never would do stuff like that for me.

“Just another reason why I am better. Now quit it or I’m gonna start talking to her.”

Okay, but not because you told me to! I finally quit picking my way through the crowd and just forced my way through. Everyone was happy to let me by, since I had already kicked the asses of two badasses and looked good doing it.

When I got to Gilda, she was steadfastly refusing to look at me. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the Dome and it appeared that she was pretending to watch the new fight. Her eyes weren’t actually following it, though.

“Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I broke his arm?” I asked. “Fucking classic!”

“I worry about you sometimes,” Twilight said.

“You know you love me, honey,” I said, scritching one of her ears.

“You make it hard at times,” she sweetly sighed.

“Are you done?” Gilda finally asked.

“Nah, looks like we still got several more brackets to go. So… Gildy, I had a question.”

“...You seek to placate me with platitudes, I see.”

“I’m just trying to understand. Look, I’m sorry, I’m new to this whole relationship and friendship thing. What did I do wrong?”

Gilda was silent for several long seconds before snorting. “So you have courage after all. There were times I wondered.”

Wow, okay, hurtful. “So what’s wrong, Gilda? I’m an adult, I can take it.”

“I’ll say,” Twilight muttered. I slapped her with a wing and she kept her whore mouth shut.

“Do you know what I seek in a partner, Navarone?” she asked.

“Um. I’m gonna go with intelligence, kindness, and mutual respect. Not someone who treats you like an object or someone who tries to own you.”

“Someone who sees beyond my status. Someone who treats me like a person, not a means to an end or a porcelain doll. Someone who speaks to me, who is interested in what I want. You decided to do me a favor out of the kindness of your heart and only asked a pittance in return. You helped me because you wanted to do something nice for a person, not because I was a princess.”

Let’s see, that sounds like Celestia, Luna, and Moonbeam. Why does no one get that being a ruler sucks?

“Hey, I’m enjoying myself just fine,” Aqua replied.

But you’re a psychopath.

“How could I be a psycho if all I feel for you is love, Navi?” she sweetly asked.

That conversation was going nowhere fast, so I finally decided to reply to Gilda. “But I wasn’t interested in a relationship.”

“You seem quite opposed to it, in fact. You were single at the time. It appears that I missed my window of opportunity. Or perhaps you are still just not interested in me. No matter, now.”

How do I keep accidentally friendzoning girls? Aqua, am I dumb or was she just not obvious at all?

“You’re dumb.”

Wow. “Gilda, you always talked about relationships like you weren’t interested either. I just assumed all you cared about was the information. Seeing you again today has been… surprising, honestly. I always assumed you didn’t like me.”

“I shared that assumption, which is why I was so cold. Which is why I was surprised to see you this morning. Which is why I decided… you might be willing to win the competition for me.”

“...Oh. You actually… wanted to go on a date?”

“That was the plan,” she sighed. “But it seems my search begins anew. I still ask that you win the tournament, if you don’t mind. I don’t want Matilda to have the satisfaction.”

“Hell yeah I’m gonna win this thing. I get to rub your tummy if I do!” The guards all gasped and she turned bright red. “Who could pass up that chance, huh?”

Gilda looked to Twilight and said, “You can keep her!”

“Well, yeah. I’m her best mare!”

“I know at least one who would disagree,” I said. “Anyway, I’m totally sorry for accidentally friendzoning the shit out of you. Like I said, bad at this whole relationship thing.”

“And she can’t read signs at all,” Twilight said.

“Hey, you guys are completely alien to me,” I said. “It’s not my fault I’m a stranger in a strange land!”

“And yet no one has any problems reading you like a book,” Twilight shot back.

“That’s just bullshit and you know it. You’re constantly bitching about how I never let anyone in.”

“You can definitely keep her!” Gilda said.

“Hey, one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure! Isn’t that right, Twiley?”

“...I mean, sometimes.”

“See there? Sometimes I’m nice to be around!”

“Truly, you should feel proud,” Gilda said.

Man, it sounds like I completely broke her spirit.

“You kinda did, Nav,” Aqua replied. “Have you never considered how others might view your actions? You view yourself as worthless, but others place so much value on you. You would be so much happier if you could just let someone love you without pushing them away.”

So says you.

“You know, Navi… I’m someone. We’re stuck together anyway. You wanna try being nice to me? We can treat it like a trial run, if you’re nervous…”

Not everything is about you, bitch. What about my needs? Because I need to fucking hate you!

“You choose to hate me. If you’d just open your eyes, you could see how much I’ve helped you in your time on this trip. I’ve fought your battles, I’ve given you advice and information, I helped you escape the chase at the beginning, and I saved you against a bounty hunter. But all you’ve given me is attitude, like I’m the bad guy.”

Hey, I thanked you for several of those things. Besides, you are the fucking bad guy!

“So says the murderer. The butcher. The genocidal monster who purged two entire groups of people with fire. The creation of Discord by unknown means for an unknown purpose. You need to be guided, Nav. I’m the one who must bear that burden. You should be thanking me, but instead you’re treating me like the villain!”

We’re done here.

“We’re done when I say we’re done!” That led off into sullen silence.

So…

“We’re done here!”

That’s good, because Twilight was gossiping with Gilda. There’s no way any good could come from that, so I knew I had to stop it. “Gilda, I hate to ask, but… were you ever actually trying to be cute?”

“I had heard that you considered blushing to be cute. As it happened, you gave me plenty of chances.”

“Me making you blush in embarrassment is usually cute. But I thought it was out of anger, so I assumed I was fucking up.”

“...I see,” she sighed. “There were many misunderstandings, it seems.”

“Nav’s really dense when it comes to some things, I’m sad to say,” Twilight said, patting me on my side. “But it’s okay, because she always tries her best!”

“Everyone’s out to get me, I swear,” I said.

“You make for such an easy target,” Twilight said with a shrug.

“And it always feels justified somehow,” Gilda added.

“Right? You know, I can think of some ponies you might be interested in meeting, Gilda. They’re more of Nav’s friends!”

“Oh no you don’t,” I said, flicking one of her ears. “You aren’t introducing her to any of those conspirators!”

“And now my interest is truly piqued,” Gilda purred. “I’ll be in Canterlot again soon for more of Fleur’s preparations. Perhaps I shall pay you a visit, Twilight.” My cute little marefriend sent a cruel smirk my way.

Why can’t I ever just leave my mouth shut?

Before they could continue torturing me, the announcer called my name yet again. I sighed and stretched out. “Oh man, this is going by pretty quick,” I said with a yawn.

“And Lady Navarone’s opponent for this match will be Iron Will!”

Why does that name sound familiar?

“He’s a minotaur,” Aqua asked. “He went to Ponyville once, but you didn’t have a chance to meet him.”

Sure enough, I could see the huge guy forcing his way through the crowd. His eyes were fixed right on me. Standing there accomplished nothing, so I started walking toward the gate as well. So you wanna kick this guy’s ass for me?

“No, I don’t think I do. You hurt my feelings, Nav.”

Aww, come on! I promise I’ll thank you this time!

“That’s just not good enough!”

I didn’t have time to keep bugging her, because I was now at the gate. Iron Will was standing at least a head and a half over me, staring down at me. “Howdy,” I said with a grin.

“Greetings, Forerunner,” he said. “I had heard one was found, but I honestly couldn’t believe it. And when I found out that I had been so close to you but didn’t meet you, I was deeply disappointed. I’m glad I finally have the chance, though I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Yeah, a duel isn’t really the best place to chat. If you wanna throw it, we can go get a drink some time.”

“No can do, I’m afraid. I got a debt to pay. I’ll make it easy on ya, though.”

“I’m afraid I won’t return the favor. You ready?”

“I was born ready, Forerunner!” He yanked the gate open and hopped inside. I followed him, letting it slam shut behind me.

So, you change your mind? I thought as we walked to the center.

“I want an apology,” Aqua said.

I apologize. Now, ass kicking time!

“And what are you apologizing for, hm?”

I dunno.

“Try being mean, insulting me, and calling me evil.”

Oh, I’m good at all of those! You’re a vile, evil bitch and I’m looking forward to killing you. There, now are you gonna kick his ass?

She didn’t even reply. Honestly, it felt good to finally make her speechless. Mind, Iron Will’s opening punch absolutely didn’t feel good, but I’d say it was worth it to finally make Aqua shut up.

When I picked myself back up again, I decided that my main priority was not getting punched again. “Man, those muscles ain’t for show, huh?”

“You gotta train every day, baby!” One of his hooves scuffed against the ground and he snorted, lowering his head. My eyes widened as he charged at me, horns pointed dead at me. I spun out of the way, accidentally slapping him on the back with my tail. This motherfucker is out for blood!

“Looks like it,” Aqua conversationally replied. “I know you can’t see it, but I’m picking at my fingernails right now.”

When Iron Will was facing me again, he paused to pop his neck. Once that was done, he snorted again. “By the way, I forgot to mention that I had a message for you.”

“Cool. Who from?”

“He wished to remain anonymous.” So it’s a he? “I am your last chance. If you still resist, you will regret it.”

“Buddy, I am unstoppable. Come and fucking get me!”

High center of mass, but fairly stubby legs. This guy definitely skips leg day. With Twilight’s extra strength, this should be easy.

He roared and charged yet again. I braced myself and waited until he got close, then finally dropped down low and grappled his legs. They gave after a few seconds of pushing and I was able to lift up and flip him, putting him on the ground. Magic is a hell of a drug, holy shit!

“Beginner’s luck,” Aqua contemptuously replied.

You’re supposed to be kind and loving, right? How can you just stand back and let this guy attack me?

“Well according to you, I’m a villain!”

You can be both!

“I’m also quite tired of all the hate and sass you send my way. If you want my help, you can start by asking politely.”

Iron Will was finally starting to get back to his hooves. I took a few steps back so he wouldn’t have a chance to swipe at me. When he was at his full height again, he turned back to me with fire in his eyes.

So, Aqua… Will you please help me?

“Hm… This time. Next time, I might not. I guess that just depends on your behavior.” I couldn’t stop myself from thinking a bunch of mean things at her, but since she’s a kind and loving elemental who really has my best interests at heart, she ignored them.

Instead of charging, Iron Will started walking my way, popping his uncomfortably large knuckles. “You know, it’s not too late to talk about this,” I said with a sweet grin.

“You ain’t gonna be doin’ nothin’ but screamin’ when I’m through with you!”

“Then come at me, bro!” He finally charged again, arms outstretched to grab me.

Aqua took control and jumped into the air, flapping my wings. Iron Will passed right under us. She spun about in the air and shot toward him. Once she was on target, she let my body fall and wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his back. She grasped one of my arms with the other hand and pulled tight, choking him.

His muscles were actually so large that he couldn’t reach me. He started spinning around, trying to dislodge me. Aqua held on with no issue. Finally, he grunted and started charging toward the closest wall. I assumed he was going to spin around to crush us against the metal.

Right at the last second, Aqua let go and kicked off his back, doing what would have been an impressive backflip if anyone else had done it. Since it was just her, it was only mediocre.

Iron Will hit the edge of the dome with a huge clatter, shaking the entire construction. Without me there as a buffer, the back of his head slammed against the metal as well, making him reel in pain. Right as he was starting to shake his head clear, Aqua jumped forward and used my wings to propel me forward so we could dropkick the motherfucker in the crotch. The crowd all gasped in shock. Ouch.

Iron Will went cross eyed in pain and hit the dirt, clutching at his bullhood. “You feel like getting up again?” Aqua asked, putting a foot on the dude’s side to kick him onto his back.

His eyes turned blood red and he grabbed that foot, then slammed me into the metal dome and finally tossed me aside. Aqua caught herself in the air, but it gave him enough time to get to his feet. How the hell is he ignoring that?

“Minotaurs have a very impressive ability that allows them to ignore pain for short amounts of time,” Aqua replied. “That is why Celestia used to use them as shock troopers.” Instead of going down to fight, we flew further up so Aqua could grab the top of the dome and hold on. “It is, of course, temporary.”

“Come down and fight me, coward!” Iron Will shouted.

“You know, I seem to recall you saying I’d be doing nothing but screaming,” I called back down. “What happened to all that?”

Whoever set up the dome apparently didn’t clear out all the debris. Iron Will scanned the ground for a few seconds before hobbling forward and grabbing a fairly sizable rock. He judged its weight for a second before lobbing it right at me. Aqua let go with one of my hands, swinging us out of the way. She caught on again as he found another rock. That process repeated a few times, though each rock was a little more off the mark and his hobbling was slower and slower each time.

After enough times, Aqua caught one of the rocks and then let go. We flew over toward Iron Will and she let gravity take over. As we fell, she lifted the rock above her head and a savage smile came onto my face. Once we were right on top of him, she slammed the rock down onto his skull with a sickening crunch, jarring my entire body and sending him straight to the ground.

The audience was silent for a while and Aqua just stood over his body, panting and smiling like a fucking psychopath. Finally, she lifted the bloody rock into the air and shouted out in triumph. That was all we had time for before the medical griffins pushed us out of the way.

“Now what do you say, Navarone?” she sweetly asked.

Thank you. Again, I’ll freely admit that you know how to fight. It’s honestly a little impressive.

“You’re quite welcome, Navi. I know it was difficult for you to say. But soon, we’ll be working together so well you’ll forget we even had issues!”

I dropped the rock without a word and walked back out of the dome. This time, all the griffins got out of my way with no issue at all. Soon enough, I found myself with Gilda and Twilight again. “That was brutal,” Twilight said. “Was it really necessary?”

“I mean, not really,” I said. “But you know, whatever.”

“There is no such thing as a half-measure in a fight,” Gilda said. “If your opponent can still fight, you are not finished.”

“That’s not entirely true,” I replied. “But the fight isn’t over until one of two things happens: They give up or they can no longer fight. Waiting for them to give up is usually unrealistic. It’s generally much faster and easier to just deal with them.”

“Especially in this case,” Gilda said. “Where you gave him chance after chance and he chose to ignore all of them.”

“Well, it’s not like anyone dies in these fights,” Twilight said. “So I can understand not wanting to give up.”

“What do you mean, no one dies?” Gilda asked. “There’s usually at least one death every year. We do our best to keep things safe, but it’s still pure, mostly uncontrolled combat. When you have more participants in a fight, things get even worse.”

“Oh yeah, about those group fights,” I said. “Why haven’t I been in any?”

“I’d say that’s because these games are rigged,” Twilight said. “We’ve seen a few, but from the looks of things, you just advanced to another singles match. The good news is that this will be the last one you have for a while. Whoever wins this fight will go on to fight the winner of the opposing bracket, who will be decided after all of their fights happen. That will be the last match.”

That’s when I finally decided to look at the huge wooden sign. Sure enough, my entire side of the bracket was almost cleared, but the other side hadn’t moved at all. “Huh. So after the next fight, I get a break?”

“Yep! How are you feeling, Navi?” Twilight asked.

“Pretty fucking pumped,” I said. “I gotta say, magic’s overpowered.”

“Only if you know how to use it,” Twilight said. “But those abilities would be worthless if you didn’t know how to use your body. You’re definitely impressive, Nav.”

“You just like watching my body move.”

“Absolutely,” Twilight replied with a firm nod. “It’s a very fascinating, wonderful, dextrous body and I love studying every little piece of it.”

Gilda groaned. “I can never tell if you two are flirting or just being weird.”

“Some flirting is weird,” I said. “The more you know the other person and the more comfortable you are with them, the weirder it can get. I mean, you should see how Moonbeam flirts.”

“No thank you.”

I kinda wanted to keep teasing her, but a very nervous looking griffin tapped me on the side. When I looked that way, he taloned me a letter. As soon as I grasped it, he took off.

“What is that?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t know, a letter?” I said. “I literally just got it, Twilight.”

“Well, what’s it say?” she demanded.

“Did you see me open it? Or do you think I have the ability to see through anything? Because here’s a hint: I don’t. Jesus, give me a second.” I pulled a knife out and popped the letter open as she started muttering. She could mutter all she wanted; if she wanted to be annoying, she was gonna get called on it.

While she sulked, I finally began reading. ‘My Dearest Lady Navarone, you are, as ever, indomitable and loyal to a fault. My daughter—’ That’s when I skipped down to the very bottom and learned that the letter was from King Bloodbeak himself.

“Holy shit, it’s from the king!”

Gilda snatched it out of my hands immediately and read over it. Finally, she snarled and passed it back. “Lies. It’s from that wretch of a maid!”

“Well… What does it say?” Twilight slowly asked.

Gilda snorted and fell silent, so I started reading aloud. “My Dearest Lady Navarone, you are, as ever, indomitable and loyal to a fault. My daughter is growing into a strong-willed hen and needs a proper partner to keep her even-headed. I know she has asked you to win this competition and I know you are too prideful to be at ease with losing, but doing so would put my old heart to rest. All I want is for her to be happy, but she eschews all form of romance. I was hoping this year would be different, so I decided to tweak with the games. I believe the fellow who I’ve picked to win can gain her heart, if you would only allow him the chance. Please do this poor old man a favor and let his daughter finally have a chance to love. Yours, King Bloodbeak.”

“That’s so sweet,” one of the guards said, sniffling back a tear. Gilda glared at him with pure hatred in her eyes. He flinched and jerked to attention.

“Are you sure it was Matilda?” Twilight asked. “If it was King Bloodbeak…”

“I don’t care if it was or not,” Gilda immediately replied, finally turning her eyes away from the poor guard. “I’m not going to be forced into anything just because my father thinks it’s what I want in life!”

“Sounds fair to me,” I said, crumpling the letter up and tossing it behind me, where it probably bounced off one of the guards.

“Nav! He’s a sick old stallion!”

“So? That means he won’t have long to be unhappy,” I said. “If Gilda gets trundled off to date some shitty rando, she’ll have much longer to be unhappy about it.”

“That makes a very cold kind of sense,” Gilda replied. Twilight just looked disgusted, but I was kinda used to that by now. “If you are truly concerned about whether or not it was my father, you’re welcome to go visit him after the next match. In most cases, visitors wouldn’t be allowed. I imagine you are a special case, Navarone.”

“I’d like to see him anyway, actually,” I said. “Especially if he’s not long for this world. How long do you think my break will be?”

“At minimum, an hour,” she said. “After the last fight on the opposing bracket, the games will recess for one hour so both competitors can catch their breath and recuperate. It’ll probably be another hour, besides that, for the fights themselves.”

“Cool. Grab some food, see the king, maybe get a drink or two. You wanna come with?”

“I can’t,” Gilda said. “I must remain here until the competition is over. Part of my job is to watch each fight so I know that the winner is truly worthy.”

“Well, what do you think?” Twilight asked. “Is Nav worthy?”

“Not yet,” she replied. “She still has to win two more fights to become worthy.”

One of which was coming right up, given that the dude was calling my name again. The crowd once more parted before me as I began walking to the gate. The next name he called was a complete mystery: “Ithys!”

Thoughts?

“None at all,” Aqua said. “This’ll be a fun one!”

It didn’t take me long to pick out my new opponent. A fucking dragon was pushing his way through the crowd. Anyone who didn’t get out of his way quickly enough was literally thrown aside. They all caught themselves with their wings, but none of them dared retaliate against the hulking dude. He would have stood at least half a meter over Kumani and he was twice as muscled.

All too soon, I found myself standing in front of him, staring way up at him. “Are you fucking kidding me?” is all I could say.

He replied by snorting steam down at me, then tore the gate off the dome and pulled himself in. I followed, almost in awe. So how much do you think they’re paying this guy?

“Who cares?” Aqua asked. “The real question is, what am I gonna make you do in order to take over for you?”

Are you actually asking me for ideas, or was that rhetorical?

“I do quite like some of your ideas. They’re always interesting. But for the moment, that was rhetorical.”

So what’s it gonna be this time, huh?

“Oh, nothing for now,” she replied. “Once he picks up your scent, we’ll revisit the issue. I’m sure you’ll be more desperate then.”

...I forgot about that. She giggled in glee, because she’s seriously fucked in the head.

“So, hey, listen—” He punched me so quickly that I was hitting the dome before I realized I wasn’t speaking anymore. For the first time in the dome, I felt true pain. I guess that’s how it’s gonna be, then.

I didn’t have time to pick myself off the ground before he grabbed me by the leg and threw me across the arena. My wings flared out so I was able to catch myself before hitting the other side and just barely dodged a body slam. He continued through and struck the dome with a blow that made the entire thing shake.

“God damn, dude. Take a fucking chill pill!” I shouted.

“I’M GONNA TEAR YOU APART!” he roared as he started charging again, arms outstretched and wings flared. I made a feint like I was going to try to fly over him, so he jumped and soared right over my head.

Let’s see, I was able to bruise Kumani while I was fucked up on Zecora’s creepy bullshit. With Twilight’s extra strength, I might be able to… Man, this is really gonna suck, huh?

“I’m quite enjoying the show, myself,” Aqua happily said.

So much for really loving me, huh?

“I believe firmly in tough love.”

“I WILL BREAK YOU!” the drama queen dragon roared as he charged again. I knew there was no way the dude would be dumb enough to fall for the same thing twice, so this time I actually flew over him as he charged. It worked out pretty well for me, until he reached up and grabbed my drooping tail.

The smile on my face dropped as quickly as I did, I’m afraid. The dude slammed me face-first into the dirt, knocking all the air out of my lungs and probably completely destroying my nose. Before I could even try to move, he stomped down on my back. If it hadn’t been for Twilight’s spells, it would have either shattered my spine or literally tore me in half. As it was, I honestly didn’t think I could even move.

That wasn’t enough for this big baby, though. He grabbed my tail again and hurled me at the dome. I hit it hard enough that I probably passed out for a second, but came back to a moment later in a world of pain.

The world seemed to slow down as the big meanie slowly approached, steam drizzling from his nostrils. Man. This could have gone better, huh?

“Not really,” Aqua said. “You know, not with you in charge. I could still turn it around, though. All you have to do is beg.”

Wow.

The dragon got one step closer.

“By the way, the world isn’t actually slowed down. I just dulled your senses so the pain wouldn’t make you cry. You know, because you’re a girl.”

You’re really not my favorite elemental.

The dude inched a little bit closer.

“I gotta say, I’m gonna enjoy having you back in Canterlot. I’m making myself wet just thinking about all the new dress designs we can try!”

You know what I think?

The dragon finally stopped, right next to my face.

“Of course I know what you think, Navi!” she sweetly replied. “I just don’t care.”

I rolled to the side right as his huge foot landed in the dirt where my head had been and jumped straight to my feet. Every bone in my body was either jarred, sprained, or broken, but I would rather go down fighting than give that bitch the satisfaction of begging.

Ithys had a moment to look stumped before I used my wings to knee him in the jaw. It knocked him back half a meter and made him shake his head. It also probably dislodged my kneecap, but that was a problem for future me. Current me had a pissed off dragon with steaming blood leaking from his muzzle roaring yet again before trying to snatch me with his two oversized claws.

I got in close and jabbed him in the gut. It jarred my arm to the bone, but it actually winded him and made him lose even more ground. Dragon bellies aren’t that giving, but they’re about all I got.

“I could do better,” Aqua yawned.

He finally tried a straight punch. I deflected it and kicked him right between the legs. He was currently sheathed, of course, but it made his eyes water anyway. “I!” I kicked his crotch again. “AM GOING!” DON’T NEED! And again. “TO RUB!” YOU! This time I punched him in the face, finally sending him to the ground. “THAT FORBIDDEN!” I WILL! His stomach was about the closest thing I had to a weak spot besides his crotch, which he was currently grasping at with both claws, so I kicked him there, probably breaking a few toes in the process. “PRINCESS!” FUCKING KILL! Everything else seemed overdone, so I decided to just stomp his head. “BELLY!” YOU!

Honestly, I probably could have picked better fighting words. But the silence surrounding the dome upon my statement had nothing on the thundering silence in my head.

The dragon was still groaning, so I decided to kick him again. That proved to be a mistake, as he grabbed my leg and twisted, pulling me down to the ground with him.

He immediately got on top of me, forcing me down with his sheer weight alone. His snarling face got inches away from my own and I honestly thought he was about to try biting me. Suddenly, though, he froze. A second passed. His nostrils twitched. I took the time he gave me to just barely squeeze out from under him. His body seemed sluggish, but now that I was out from under him, he started speeding up. I quickly got to my feet, weighing options.

“So, I think now is a good time to talk about your wedding,” Aqua said.

I’m not gonna lie: That actually made me panic. My panicked brain took one look at the situation I was in and came to some unpleasant conclusions. First, that the dragon who had beaten me to hell and back was now extremely pissed off and starting to get up. Second, that I was starting to feel lightheaded due to the blood loss from my destroyed nose. Third, that I was apparently getting married. And finally, the last conclusion was that past me was coming to collect, since my kneecap gave out.

I fell right back on top of the dragon. Despite my horrific nightmarish appendages, the extra weight didn’t bother the guy at all. As soon as I landed on top of him, he started pushing himself up. My panicking brain did the first thing it could by grabbing onto whatever handholds I could get. In one hand, that ended up being the base of his wing. In the other hand, I had the base of his tail.

He quietly moaned.

That’s when I remembered that dragons are very sensitive at the base of their tails. Aqua sighed in either disappointment or disgust as I came up with the only logical conclusion. Using my last bit of strength, I pushed the dude back down and pulled myself up so that my head was directly on top of his, with both of my feet at the base of his tail.

“Give up or cum,” I hissed in his ear, pressing down harder on his tail.

Ithys froze. I’m sure he was expecting all manner of things when he stepped into the ring with the legendary Lady Navarone. Some part of me was pretty fucking sure (and also really hoping) that getting forced to orgasm in front of everyone wasn’t on the list.

“W-what?” he finally whispered.

“I will make you cum in front of everybody,” I whispered back. “Give up or I’ll do it!”

“I—” A few hints of pressure made him cry out in pleasure. To the audience, it sounded like pain. They roared in appreciation.

“You want them to see you cum after getting beat up by someone not even half your size?” I growled in his ear.

That made him whimper, but he still didn’t surrender. After a few seconds of dithering, I started slowing upping the pressure until he finally yelled, “I GIVE!”

Oh thank god. I sagged down, all energy lost, as the medical griffins finally entered the ring. Since they both had functional eyes, they completely ignored the dragon and rolled me off of him so they could start taking stock.

“Pulse?” one of them asked. The other one looked me up and down for a moment before placing two talons on my wrist.

He sat there for a moment before his beak dropped. “She has no pulse!”

“I’m fine!” I shouted before they could do anything. I knew it was too much to ask for them to have any clue about my biology. I tried sitting up, but the one who took my pulse pushed me right back down.

“You have no heartbeat!”

“Dude, I don’t even have a heart.” They both froze. “I’m half plant. I don’t really have many organs left, actually.” They slowly turned to look at each other, presumably questioning every medical textbook they had ever seen. “Just fix my nose, Jesus!”

They finally got over my pulse and remembered that I had real problems. At this point, it was obvious that nothing I had was life-threatening, so they waved in another set of griffins with a stretcher. Once it was in place, they very carefully moved me onto it.

“What about him?” one of the guys asked, looking at the dragon. He still hadn’t gotten up and was watching them work on me with a huge blush on his face.

“I’m fine!” he immediately replied.

“You mind rolling over so we can look you over?” one of the griffins asked. “Some of that looked pretty brutal.”

“Nope, I’m good! I just uh… Just gimme a minute!” The poor guy probably had a shame boner the size of the Eiffel Tower at the moment. My griffin escorts shared a glance before deciding they didn’t want to try to make a huge dragon move. Instead, they finally picked up the gurney. Before they could finally start carrying me to my lovely purple angel with her magic healing powers, the dragon suddenly shouted, “Wait!”

My carriers stopped and one of them went to check on the guy. “You change your mind?”

The dragon looked at me, horrific shame emblazoned across his face, and quietly asked, “You wanna do something later…?”

“She’s got a date with our princess’s belly,” one of my griffins said. That made the rest of them burst out laughing and they finally started ferrying me out. The instant we got out of the dome, Twilight magically appeared and pressed her horn against my arm. Waves of her delicious purpleness entered me, soothing my injured body.

When I was finally pulled away, I was still definitely fucked up. That said, fucked up was a hell of a lot better than dead man walking. I wanted her to keep going, but the griffins spread their wings and took off instead of letting her do her thing. Of course, that didn’t daunt the element of fucking magic, who wouldn’t let herself be one-up’d by silly griffins. She quickly caught up on her butterfly wings as they flew me over to an actual hospital.

The griffins soared over the roof, where six unicorns were waiting. Instead of trying to stop, my carriers went in low and slow, just barely clearing the horns of the medical staff. One of the unicorns grabbed me with magic as the griffins carried on and I hung in the air above the six of them as the griffins kept going back to the ring. The unicorn lowered me onto the roof, where they had some kind of casting circle drawn. Twilight landed just outside the circle.

One of the unicorns softly whistled when they saw me. “What could do this to Navarone?” one of the others whispered.

“A dragon,” Twilight immediately answered. That made all of them flinch and look up, wondering where they hell she came from. “Hold on, there’s a problem with the circle.” Her horn lit up and what was left of their chalk floated over.

“Whoa, what are you doing?!” one demanded.

“Fixing this so you can heal my marefriend before I throw all of you off this building and do it myself!” she angrily replied, scribbling a few things.

“Be nice, Twiggles,” I calmly (and raspily) said.

“You’re choking on your own blood!”

“I mean… maybe a little, but that’s no need for—”

“There!” She dropped the chalk. “Now get to it!”

One of the unicorns who was watching her work blinked when he realized what she did to their circle. “Wait, did you use Starswirl’s—” Twilight’s withering glare shut him right the fuck up. Apparently whatever she did was good enough, because they all bent down and pressed their horns at certain points on the circle. Once the last horn was in place, my body lifted off the circle and a pure golden light shot straight up into the sky.

When the light faded, I slowly dropped back down to the ground. I had a feeling that they wanted to ask me how I was doing, but Twilight interrupted whatever they were attempting by jumping forward and pulling me into a tight hug. “I can’t believe you!” she groaned.

“I can’t believe me either,” I said, hugging her back. “Man, that was a hell of a fight.”

She pulled back. Instead of relief, all I saw on her face was disbelief. “No, I mean I literally cannot believe you just beat a dragon in hand to claw combat!”

“Sorry, I’m just that fucking amazing,” I replied. She stared at me for another few seconds before her look of disbelief cracked and a smile appeared on her face. That was followed by a giggle, which ended with another hug.

It seemed that the mages decided to finally grow a backbone. One of them stepped forward with a grin. “Now that Miss Hissyfit has calmed down—”

“Wait, does she have wings?!” one of the other ones asked.

“She does,” I replied. “Are you guys from Equestria?”

“Yes, we’re from the tower,” one said. “How did she get wings?!”

“I’m sorry, did you say you were from the tower?” I asked.

“I did, Lady Navarone,” he replied with a nod.

“So do you guys just never go outside, or…?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“This is Twilight Sparkle, dude. She’s the element of magic. You know, literally a national fucking hero and basically the living embodiment of magic?” They slowly shared glances among themselves and Twilight finally pulled away from me with a smug grin. “I mean, no offense to you guys and I’m super glad that you just healed me, but god damn, you tower guys really need to get your shit together.”

“I beg your pardon?” the dude who insulted my marefriend demanded.

“I told you to get your fucking shit together,” I replied, upping the volume since he had trouble hearing. “And I guess I can add clearing out your ears, too. For god’s sake, dude. You just tried treating the element of magic, Princess Celestia’s personal student, like shit just because she did your job better than you could. Maybe consider pulling that rod out your ass and using it to pull better books down from your holier-than-thou shelves.” I gotta say, the look on his face made me feel pretty fucking good. Before he could say anything, though, I wrapped an arm around Twiley and tapped my chest twice with the other, then held up a peace sign. “Peace out!”

Thankfully, Twilight took the hint and teleported us down to the streets just outside of the hospital. As soon as we were clear, she burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I figured you’d like that,” I said with a smirk.

“That… that was… Oh, the look on his face!” It was hard for her to get all that out, since she was still giggling like crazy.

“Right? Ugh, this is why I want to start carrying a camera everywhere!” I said.

Twilight continued giggling, but the unwelcome parasite in my head finally spoke up again. “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to add a purse to the list of new accessories you’ll be obtaining. You know, along with a wedding ring.”

I refused to ask, because she was just doing it for attention. You’re just mad because I proved I don’t fucking need you.

“You just molested a teenager in front of an entire audience!”

Sorry, I don’t remember asking for a full order of salt to go with my victory dish. Now how ‘bout you leave me alone so I can mack on my mare?

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” she hissed, making my head feel uncomfortably warm.

When Twilight had the giggles out of her system and was just staring at me with glee in her eyes, I reached over and booped her on the nose. “So, you hungry?”

“Starving! So, shall we go celebrate your victory?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Well, this can be the first celebration. The prelude to rubbing that forbidden princess belly.”

“No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Talk about wanting a camera. Oooh, Nav, if you could have seen the look on her face…”

Oh boy. “Angry or embarrassed?”

“Mortified. And all the guards were doing their best not to laugh! Oh, Nav…” She sighed, shaking her head. “You realize that one’s gonna be in the papers for sure, right?”

“I had other things on my mind at the time.” Like telling a parasite its place. “I mean, what are the chances she’ll still be upset about it when I see her again?”

“...Um. One hundred percent, I’d say.”

“Shit. Oh well, whatever. Let’s go get food. That healing magic drained the hell out of me.”

“One little thing first...” Her horn lit up and my body lifted slightly above the ground, then she gently spread out my arms and legs. “How do you feel, Nav? Do you think those incompetent buffoons fixed everything?”

I closed my eyes and started actually focusing. Before I could get started, Aqua said, “You’re fine. The mages succeeded.” Instead of taking her at her word, I tried to continue to feel it out for myself. She sighed and said, “I’m afraid you’ll have to trust me, silly.”

My mouth opened and Aqua said, “I think I’m good, Twiggles.”

That did it. Twilight let me down and I opened my eyes just in time to see her rear up, place her forehooves on my shoulder, and adorably nuzzle me right in the face. “I didn’t get to do it when you said it earlier, so I’m gonna make up for lost time,” she said.

“Can you do it later?” I asked. “I’m not kidding about being hungry.”

She pulled back with a sigh. “Fiiiine. But I’m collecting later! With interest!”

“‘Kay. Let’s go.” She finally slid down and we picked a random direction in which to start walking.

There weren’t too many people celebrating the festival right next to the hospital, but we slowly started seeing more and more griffins as we continued in. It didn’t take me long to realize a good chunk of them were eyeing the two of us. Given that I had just spent the last several days as basically a sex object to them, that wasn’t really unusual.

But after a few blocks, I started noticing something strange. Before, the griffins were very obviously leering at us, trying to catch a sight of something naughty. Now, though, their eyes on me felt… different. Soon enough, I realized that they were actually looking at me in respect.

...I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting how good that felt.

Of course, every ounce of that respect disappeared as soon as some of them saw me tearing a piece of sheep apart, but most of it was back by the time I belched so loud that some of them started clapping and cheering afterwards. I theatrically bowed as Twilight facehooved in disappointment.

Once we were both sated, I found myself leaning against the entrance of an alley while Twilight stared at a map. “So where are we?” I asked.

“Ugh, I don’t know. I haven’t been paying any attention to street signs.”

“Wrong answer, Twiley,” I said, tapping her horn a few times to make her look up. When she was staring at me in confusion, I pointed down. “We’re on the ground. We both got wings. We’re never lost in a city.”

“...Oh yeah!” She swung her head around to her back and twitched the wings. “These things are so light that I can honestly forget about them sometimes.” Her head turned back to me and she was grinning. The map finally disappeared with a pop and she asked, “So now what? We’ve killed maybe half an hour. You wanna go back to the dome? Or do you still want to go try and get an audience with the king?”

“I’m gonna go talk to Bloodbeak,” I said. “If you don’t mind, can you deal with Gilda a little bit longer? No offense meant to the griffin guards, but I’d rather her have you there than ten of them.”

“Agreed,” she said. “I doubt she’s in any risk, but I don’t want her to feel worried. I also gotta start trying to smooth over what you said.”

“Thank you,” I sighed.

She giggled and asked, “Nav, what were you even thinking?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Aqua answered through my lips with a grin.

Way to rub it in.

“You know, you’re probably right,” Twilight said. “So, did you really think she wasn’t trying to be cute? I mean, I thought it was kinda obvious the moment we walked into her shop.”

“How was I supposed to know she was into chicks?” I asked.

“That’s never stopped you from hitting on other mares before, silly!”

I rolled my eyes. “Look, I thought we both made it clear from the start that we weren’t actually interested in relationships. I guess I completely misread her from the start.”

That made her giggle, of course. “Of course you misread her from the start, Navi. Yet another of the reasons I’m your best mare is because I notice things like that for you!”

I just had to reach over and boop her again. “You are just so adorable right now. But you’re also being kinda mean, so I have to ask you to stop it. So yeah, I fucked up with Gilda. But you know what?”

“You regret it immensely?”

“Hell no. Princess Gilda has her charm. You know… occasionally. When she feels like using it. Part of me thinks it’s adorable that she forgets how to talk to people, but another part of me realizes I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who forgets to be nice to me. Now, don’t get me wrong. She is a fine piece of ass and I would do some very unseemly things to her if her father hadn’t personally requested I not, but I don’t think she’s relationship material.”

“...Wow. I mean… Wow. Alright, Nav. I’ll see you when you get back from your talk with King Bloodbeak.”

I crossed my arms and said, “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“It’s not that you’re right or wrong. It’s entirely on how you said it and I know you’re just playing dumb. So…” She smacked one of her hooves against her chest before pointing it at me. “Peace out!” Her horn lit up and she vanished with a pop.

I kinda stood there in silence for a moment before just grunting.

“You had it coming,” Aqua said.

“Yeah, fair. Now shut the fuck up, bitch.”

“Make me!” she shouted right in my ears.

Jesus! What the fuck?!

“Now you know how that poor maid felt!”

“Eat a dick.” I finally took off and started flying to the palace.

As soon as I landed at the entrance, one of the royal guards approached me before I could actually enter. “King Bloodbeak requested that you be sent to his chambers if you were to come by, my lady,” the fellow said. “I would be happy to show you the way.”

“Lead the way, man.”

He bowed. “As you wish, my lady.” Wow, fancy. “Please, walk with me.”

He led the way up to the building. The two guards at the doors saluted and opened the doors for us. Once we got inside, he let me actually walk next to him. The next set of guards also saluted us, but just stood there as we walked past. “Man, you guys are going all out.”

“It’s not too often one sees the captain of the royal guard with such a fine young lady.”

“Forgive me for being surprised that you guys consider me a lady, now. I honestly figured you would still be thinking I was a male.”

“Our culture is different from pony culture, Lady Navarone. To them, ponies grow into their roles. Once they discover their talents, they are locked in one spot, but still continue to grow and change. To griffins, one is given a role at birth. Warrior or farmer. Builder or destroyer. Male or female. To us, now that you are female, that is what you have always been.”

“That sounds completely backwards to me, but whatever. So basically, you’re treating me like a beautiful and available young lady right now.”

“Correct.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to stop that. Sorry, I’ve had a long day with a lot of people hitting on me and I still haven’t quite reached my violence quota for the day. So the next griffin who’s jocked up on his stupid extra testosterone tries to come at me with that bullshit, I am going to straight up tear him in half.”

After a few long seconds, he awkwardly cleared his throat. “...I may have mentioned that there are always exceptions to our rule. Then I suppose, with your permission, I can cut to the chase.”

“Please.”

Honestly, he looked slightly relieved. I don’t know if that was an insult or not, but really didn’t care anymore. “Why are you here?”

“Princess Gilda asked that I visit her for the festival.”

“King Bloodbeak is not convinced that is your sole purpose.”

I patted him on the back and said, “I’ll be happy to discuss that with King Bloodbeak.”

“Matilda is in an uproar, you know. She’s trying to have you arrested.”

“For what?” I asked.

“Cheating in a state sponsored event. She said there is absolutely no way you beat a dragon that size without some manner of external assistance.”

“Uh huh. And how do you feel about that?”

We were passing another guard at the moment, who saluted at us as we passed. The guard captain didn’t respond until after we were out of his earshot. “I think Matilda played a dirty hand and is just upset your dirty one was better.”

“Oh. Cool.”

He glanced my way and continued, “Now, that only applies to Matilda. What she did was just as wrong, you were just better at it. So, if someone else happens to complain, you would be going straight to the dungeon.”

Awkward. “Oh.”

He turned his head straight and gently bumped into me. “I could be convinced to ignore them.”

“Say another word and I’m gonna do something to you that’ll make what I did to Deathnail look like the opening fucking act.”

“Just checking,” he said. “There have been no other complaints. I just wanted to see how you’d handle it.”

“Eat a dick.”

“That said, there is one thing I must insist on.”

“Uh huh. And what’s that, loverboy?”

We walked in silence for a few uncomfortable seconds before he quietly said, “If you insist upon winning the contest after speaking to his majesty, please give the princess a perfect date.”

“Dude, I already got it covered. If I win it for her, I get to give her a belly rub. Hens. Dig. Bellyrubs! You gotta try it on one, man!”

He sighed in utter disgust and we continued in silence.

Aqua snorted. “What you should be feeling right now is shame, Nav.”

See, that’s where you’re wrong. That’s where you would feel shame. I think I know full well what I should feel. Because remember… I don’t fucking need you.

“We’ll just see about that.”

Wow. That was super evil! Are you even trying any more?

“It’s obvious that you need a villain in your life, Nav. You may not think it and you may resent me for it now, but you’ll come to thank me once you start mending your ways.”

That honestly didn’t merit a response. I gratefully went back to silence.

The remainder of the walk to the king’s chambers was fairly pleasant, aside from being in an icy chill. But the guard didn’t say another word, so I took it as a win.

Once we got to the final door before the king, the captain stopped. He stared at the handle for a few moments before sighing. “I must admit, the rumors about you were true,” he finally said.

“There are a lot of rumors floating out there about me, man. At least some of them gotta be true.”

“I heard there was a true predator in you. Today has shown it very well. You have expertly and violently taken down several extremely skilled and powerful opponents. Only once did you lose your temper against opponents who attacked you in nearly-blind rage. No matter what gender you are, that never changes. You are a true warrior.”

That made me grin. “Hell fucking yeah I am.”

“Not for long,” Aqua whispered in my ear, actually making me shiver.

“Something the matter?” he asked.

“Just itchin’ to get back out there. You got anything else to say?”

“One final thing. The king may not be completely coherent. He is ill and slightly delirious, but insisted that you be brought to him if you came by the palace. Use your words wisely.”

“Is he gonna be happy to see me?” I asked.

“That’s a good question.” He finally opened the door and entered. “I have returned with Lady Navarone, your majesty.”

Staying out in the hall any longer would be rude, so I walked in and stopped a meter or so away from the bed. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he said. One of his talons patted the bed. “Come closer, please.” I started walking in and he added, “I don’t want to strain my voice.”

“Thank you for the invitation,” I replied. “I gotta say, it’s good to see you again.”

“Hm… You’re being a lot more formal. This old man thinks you might be worried about something.”

“I’m curious about why you wanted to see me.”

He sighed and hung his head. “Understandable. In one of my more… belligerent moods, I asked that Matilda do something to help Gilda feel some interest in the city and its people. She is a princess, yet she locked herself away in her room for the entire festival!”

“Well, isn’t that her business?” I asked.

He nodded. “Of course… Usually. When there are no public events going on, she is free to do as she chooses. But during such an important festival, any unwed princes and princesses should be as active as possible.”

“Even if she really doesn’t like it?”

“Indeed,” he sighed, almost sounding disappointed. “There is no job that is without its burdens. I’m sad to say that includes even us royals. She must do her duty, like it or not.”

“Bloodbeak… When’s the last time you really spoke to her?” I asked.

“It is a fairly common occurrence, Navarone. It is a surprisingly small palace.”

“Alright. So when’s the last time you asked her what she thinks her duties are?”

“Never. She is a princess. She knows her duties.”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Her duties are to help her people.”

“If that were the case, she wouldn’t have even asked you to visit!”

“Oh.” Honestly, that was kinda hurtful.

Bloodbeak sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Navarone. That came out wrong. This illness…” He shivered a little. “Let me… rephrase that. She should not have asked you to win for her.”

“Bloodbeak, her way of helping her people isn’t by having a bunch of children. She wants to bring them wonders!”

“They aren’t interested in wonders. The majority of her advancements have been ignored.”

“Yeah, she has a really terrible marketing system. I’m gonna talk to her about that tonight on our date.” See? I can be mean and nasty too!

“That’s not fair,” Aqua said.

...Yeah, you’re right.

The king was smiling, though. “I deserved that. So I suppose I should ask… Why do you come back to court my daughter again? I thought you were not interested!”

“Oh, I’m not. I didn’t come here to court her. I came to visit a friend.”

He blinked in surprise. “Oh ho. So she scammed you into rigging this contest against me so she could get away with not having a date at all!”

“Well, no, actually,” I said, awkwardly running my neck.

“Oh?”

“Yeeeeaah. She kinda wanted it as a date. I didn’t realize that, so I agreed to help her. When I made it clear we were just friends it uh… got kinda awkward.”

“...Oh, so you have broken my daughter’s heart.”

“Look, I apologize. I didn’t mean to do it, I’m just an idiot.”

He glared at me in anger for a few grueling seconds before turning his glare to the captain of the guard. Finally, it eased back and he grinned. “I’m starting to remember why I like him. Er… her,” he finished with a nod in my direction.

“Yeah, I’m still not too happy about that change, honestly. I can mostly tolerate it, but it grates.”

He nodded. “You have my sympathies. I could never imagine a life cursed to be forever in skirts. You have borne it far better than I could.”

“It hasn’t been easy, but I’m… I suppose woman enough to take it.” Sometimes.

“Commendable. So if your intentions with my daughter are not romance-based, you were truly willing to go through such trouble to help her?”

“She asked me to,” I replied with a shrug. “I figured, you know, I could take down a few griffins and then get beat down pretty hard by a really tough one. That way, it would look like I gave it an honest try. And if I did win, I would happily do whatever she wanted for the date thing I won.”

“Oh. And what is this I hear about rubbing her belly?”

I sighed and ran one of my hands down my face. Honestly, I was really kinda a mess. Despite the efforts of Twilight or the tower mages, I was still covered in the blood of at least three different species, my own included. I was wreathed in sweat, despite the ridiculously low temperatures. Honestly, they probably both had to hide a flinch when they smelled me.

And that fucking weirdo flirted with me. “I’ve had a long, weird day. Please don’t worry about that.”

He stared at me for a few seconds longer before nodding. “I suppose that might be for the best.”

Someone knocked at the door. The king nodded at his guard, who looked to the door and called, “Come!”

The door instantly flung open and an extremely pissed off Matilda entered the room. Before she could start screaming, she noticed me. When she did, she froze and delivered me the most cruel glare I had gotten in quite some time. This one even beat Celestia when she learned I planned to kill her.

“You!” she finally hissed.

“Hey there buddy!” I happily said. “How was your day?” She just started grinding her beak. “Well, mine was fantastic! I got a pretty easy workout from some two-bit chumps. Now I just got one more to go before the princess is mine!”

The maid finally screeched and charged at me. I stood there, expecting Bloodbeak or the guard captain to do something. When I realized they weren’t going to, I suddenly jumped back. Or at least, I tried to, but my body was frozen in place.

“I think it’s time you learned your lesson about being antagonistic,” Aqua said. “Have fun. Twilight’s spells have worn off. I’m all you got!”

Right before the rampaging bitch slashed me, the king roared out, “HALT!” Matilda froze in place. “You forget that I am still alive, Matilda! I still rule And I do not let my servants attack family friends.”

She finally dropped her attack pose to stare at him in horror. “This… this beast is a friend to you?! She is the one who ruined your daughter’s big day!”

Bloodbeak sighed. “Matilda, I have been an old fool.”

“Your majesty! How could you say such a thing in front of this beast?!”

“Because this beast you refer to is one who could see something that I could not. She could see what my daughter truly wants. Or so she claims, anyway.”

“But what about her date? This thing cheated to ruin it!”

“And you destroyed the integrity of an ancient ceremony!”

“So did she!” Matilda screeched, pointing a scrawny talon at me.

“...And?” the king asked.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

The king sighed and shook his head. “Don’t play coy, Navarone. Come on.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why do I get a pass for cheating?”

“Because that’s what you do, Navarone! You are such a wonderful agent of chaos! You always have a habit of turning everything on its head.”

“Always for the greater good!” I said. “I mean, come on, those festivals would have been boring without me.”

“More like always for your personal gain, little miss belly rub!”

“...I just wanna apologize for that again.”

Matilda sniffed in derision. “There’s no way Princess Gilda will keep her innocence if this thing has sole access to her! Look at it and tell me it isn’t vile!”

“Hey, I’m a lady,” I said with a fancy z-snap. She just stared at me in disgust. Eat shit, bitch.

“There you go spreading that chaos again,” Bloodbeak said with a chuckle. “You are right, Navarone. It’s always entertaining to be around you.”

“Yeah, it’s the curse of the incredibly ancient demon who murdered the entirety of my people and wants me to suffer eternally. That dude’s having himself a ball.”

“And he always has the most interesting jokes,” Bloodbeak said with a chuckle.

If only. “So why did you come barging in here, pal?”

“I’m not your pal, beast!”

“I’m not your b… Nevermind, I’m above this. Why are you here? I’m trying to visit a friend, in case you hadn’t realized.”

“This report is for the king’s ears only!”

“The king’s ear is open now,” Bloodbeak said. “Speak, Matilda.”

She flinched and turned her eyes to the king. “I… must report my failure, my liege.”

“You still have one shot,” the guard captain said. “It’s… a long shot, but it’s not a failure!”

“You know, yet,” I added. I love being petty to assholes.

“You’re disgusting,” Aqua hissed. That just made me feel all warm and fuzzy instead, until she got mad and made me chilled instead.

“So, do you think your chosen winner has no chance?” King Bloodbeak asked.

“He…” She glared sidelong at me for a moment before sighing and returning her gaze to the king. “He was defeated, my lord. I have failed you.”

“And I forgive you,” Bloodbeak said. “It was a mistake to ask you to help in the first place.”

“My lord, she needs a husband.”

Bloodbeak sighed, his face sagging slightly to age. “It is time I admit that my daughter is old enough to choose how she executes her duties. If she does not wish to conform to the norm, she must contribute another way. She has chosen to develop… technology!”

“For what?!” Matilda demanded. “Her subjects are not interested in a princess that willingly locks herself away! There’s no number of gadgets or gizmos that could satisfy them!”

Bloodbeak slowly grinned. “That’s the wonderful part, Matilda. Navarone is going to offer my daughter, his good friend, whatever she needs to make her technology take off.”

“Uh, say what now?” I asked. “I mean, I know I mentioned it, but—”

“I will say two things,” Bloodbeak very firmly stated. I immediately nodded. “You broke her heart.”

“Fair enough. I’ll help her. I don’t need to hear the second one.”

He narrowed his eyes and hissed, “Forbidden. Princess. Belly.”

“I already apologized for that at least twice!”

“You better apologize to her!”

“I was planning on it. I was also planning on offering her my help to get her tech going.”

“Good. Then you better go win that contest, young man.”

“Will do, sir,” I replied with a grin. Then I glared at Matilda and flipped her the double birds, then walked out with them raised in the air behind me. As soon as I got out the door, I immediately turned back around and walked in. “Look, just in case I don’t get the chance to say it again, I’ve enjoyed knowing you, sir.”

“I can say the same to you. Usually.”

A part of me started to leave, but another part of me stayed. I don’t know what it was, but something made me think back. “Bloodbeak… there’s always something I’ve kinda wanted to ask.”

“Now is the time for such questions, I’m sad to say,” he replied. “Please, ask.”

“Honestly, I just wanna confirm what I already know. There’s no way this could be true. But Princess Celestia told me something about you before I met you.”

“That I… molested children?” he quietly asked.

“...Yeah. I know she’s a liar. I just really need to hear you say it.”

The guard captain and Matilda sighed. The king slumped even further down into the bed. “It is… a half-truth.”

“Okay… So…?”

“My wife was far too young, but I needed that family’s support! Their other daughters were married and I had no choice. My only other option was a coup!”

“Oh. Then yeah dude, fair enough. That’s completely understandable.”

“I did nothing to her until she was of age, of course,” he said. “I had her virginity tested at a clinic to prove that I had not touched her.”

“Little bit too much detail, but good to know. Thank you for putting my mind at ease, and I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

He snorted. “There was a time I blamed myself for that rumor. My failures as a leader led me to such a point of desperation. But with your help, I realize Princess Celestia might be the one to blame. It’s been obvious as I looked back. Just trace the chaos in my land to her hoof.”

Well, at least Celestia’s raising as much chaos or more than I am.

“Not anymore,” Aqua sweetly said. “Thanks to yours truly!”

Uh huh. “I could absolutely see Celestia behind that,” I replied. “She was put in power by the same demon of chaos who killed my people and who now controls my strings.”

He stared at me in silence for a few moments before narrowing his eyes. “I can never tell when you’re being serious or not.”

“One hundred percent truth,” I said. “I’ve met him. His name is Discord. He’s a complete fucking asshole.”

We all heard an uncannily familiar humph. “I suppose that shows what you really think, then!” Discord grumpily said. He didn’t actually manifest anywhere, so I was hoping that was just his way of passing the time.

“Who’s there?!” the guard captain finally demanded.

Thankfully, no one replied. I decided to take it upon myself to say, “Discord. He does that sometimes.”

“...So you have been doing the bidding of a demon of chaos,” Bloodbeak asked.

“Purely on accident, I swear. I didn’t ask to be created!”

“We should arrest this beast at once!” Matilda shouted, jerking a talon my way.

“Yeah, well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but you’re a stupid bitch. So cry about it. Now let the man continue!”

It really looked like she was about to launch herself at me. She forced herself under control with a visible effort and finally turned back to the king, her face very tight. “I request permission to attend other duties, your majesty.”

“Granted,” Bloodbeak graciously said. “You may depart.” She bowed at him, then turned to begin walking away without another word.

“Have a nice day, friend!” I sweetly said as she left.

As she walked past me, she socked me as hard as she could in the stomach. Neither the guard nor the king said anything as she walked off, leaving me on the floor.

“Remember when I said that actions had consequences?” Aqua sweetly asked.

Fucking worth it, bitch! I haven’t gotten to be that mean in ages! Well, except to you.

“I detest what you are,” Aqua said. “Soon, you will too. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

I’ll make the most of it, bitch.

Bloodbeak finally chuckled. “How you doin’ down there, son?”

“G-good, sir,” I hissed. Say what you want about Matilda, but she was jacked! Without Twilight’s spells to protect me, her punch went right through me.

“You sure?” he asked. “I must say, that looked like it hurt.”

“Totally worth it,” I groaned as I finally tried sitting up. It worked, but barely. “When someone gives me attitude right out the gate, they’re not gonna have a fun time. Take your captain of the guard over here. Why don’t you tell him what happened when you tried it?”

Bloodbeak turned to his captain with a grin. “That sounds like a story. Go on, then.”

The captain blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I… may have made a few assumptions of… Navarone. She…”

“Tore you a new one?” I helpfully suggested.

“Indeed,” he sighed, looking down.

“Talk shit, get hit.”

Aqua snorted. “You’re such a child!”

The griffins both nodded, though. “That is absolutely correct, my friend,” Bloodbeak said. “You understand what it means to be a griffin.”

You know, I gotta say, I really wish I had ended up here first. Princess Gilda would have been the perfect first relationship for me. And with the two of us working together, we could have revolutionized this place entirely within three or so years.

“But you don’t get nice things,” Aqua replied. “At least, not according to you.”

I ignored her and replied to the king with, “Thank you, sir.”

“Now, I must finally say farewell,” Bloodbeak said. “I’m a very old man, Nav. I weary easily.”

“I understand,” I replied. “Goodbye, my friend.”

“Do your people believe in some manner of life after this?” he asked before I could turn.

“Some of us. There were a lot of different ideas.”

“...Ah, yes. Your religions. Do you follow one?”

“Once upon a time.”

He was silent for a moment before quietly sighing. “Was its afterlife nice?”

“One of them, yeah. The other option… not so much.”

“Oh? How do I enter the good one?”

That one took me a moment. There’s no way I could really explain all the mythology to him. Finally, I settled on the age-old response of, “Were you a good man?”

It took him some time to answer that. Finally, after much thought, he quietly replied, “I am not so sure. I like to think so, but I have made poor decisions.”

“Did you own them? Did you change your ways? Did you make amends?”

“Always,” he firmly replied.

“Then you have lived the life of the righteous. Eternal glory awaits you, my friend.”

He chuckled. “It is a fond hope.”

“...Yeah, it is.”

“Then I hope to find you there someday.”

“I’m afraid not,” I replied. “I’m going straight to the bad end.”

He smirked. “The attitude of the young, I see. Well, never forget that you are a hero, Navarone. And you were there for an old man when he needed somebody to speak to. Farewell.”

“Farewell.” Way to drag it on, dude. Aqua actually slapped me for that, but I hid it by finally turning to leave. I walked out the doors, leaving the two of them there.

Of course, that meant I had no idea where the fuck I was. Since I didn’t look even remotely like a lady anyway, I just hopped out a window like a hooligan and started flying back to the huge dome. There were now even more spectators flying above it, so finding the place was easy.

I got above the dome just as a match ended. The griffin who lost had one of his legs twisted off and was bleeding out on the ground. The medical guys were trying, but there was no saving that damage. They had him under a white sheet before I landed next to a stoic Gilda and a horrified Twilight.

“Did you see that?!” Twilight hissed.

“I saw the aftermath.”

Twilight found herself at a loss for words, so Gilda took over. “It appears that my father has resorted to his own magical treachery. Twilight, you must recast your spells! I will not lose to him!”

“That’s not your father’s guy,” I said. “He lost a few rounds ago. I was there when Matilda told the king.”

They were both silent for some time before Twilight cleared her throat. “That person must really want to go on a date with you,” she said.

“Or he’s a highly trained and magically assisted assassin here to kill you,” I added with a shrug. “You know, whichever.”

“Do you truly think this could be an assassin?” Gilda asked.

“It’s your life,” I replied. “I defer that to your judgment. It’s a moot point since I’m gonna win, but still.”

“Right,” Gilda said. “Because you want to rub my forbidden princess belly.”

“...Look, I’d like to take a moment to apologize about that. It was the heat of the moment, I had to say something, and it just came out. Remember, I’m kind of an idiot about some things.”

“Some?” Gilda asked in disbelief.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor. Show some gratitude.”

She snorted. “There are only two more rounds left in this bracket, Navarone. Then you have an hour. If this is an assassin, you will likely be my last line of defense.”

“I don’t plan on letting you down.”

She grinned. “Thank you. I suppose I could get used to calling you friend. You’ll need to apologize a lot, though.”

“Yeah, probably. Thanks for putting up with it anyway. I don’t know how everyone else does.”

“It’s easier than you think,” Twilight replied, swishing her tail at me.

“I hope so,” Gilda sighed. The next round was finally starting, so she shut up so we could watch.

This match was a fairly standard one. Both griffins were very tough, but neither were obviously cheating. It ended after a few minutes of fairly cliche griffin fighting.

“Your fights were much more exciting,” one of the guards happily said. When Gilda didn’t reprimand him, he giggled and added, “And you should have seen her majesty’s face while you fought, my lady!”

Gilda very, very slowly turned to glare at this guy. He kept his smile up until he noticed, at which point it immediately dropped. “Perhaps you need to be reminded of a guard’s place?” Gilda asked.

“You can’t be the only one who gets to break the mold,” I said. “That’s just not fair.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gilda said.

“If you were doing what you were supposed to do, you wouldn’t be asking me to rig this tournament. You’d be celebrating in the streets with everyone else. Instead, you get to hide in your lab, doing your own thing. You shouldn’t stomp on anyone else who’s trying to be different.”

“Hmph. So I suppose you view your role as friend is to give me unwanted advice.”

“Yep,” Twilight said. “To be fair, it’s usually good advice. It just took me too long to realize it. It’s okay to allow your guards to speak to you. Princess Celestia does it all the time.”

“And more importantly, so do I,” I said.

Gilda snorted and turned her gaze back to the arena. The next two competitors were entering the ring. One of them was the dude who just tore off someone’s leg. His opponent looked understandably concerned, but awkwardly said, “G-good luck!”

“Good bye,” the other fellow coldly replied. The other guy actually gulped.

“BEGIN!” the peacock dude shouted.

Neither of them moved. The cheater just coldly stared at his victim. Finally, his opponent sprinted forward. The bad guy jumped forward and headbutted the charging one, sending him straight to the ground. Instead of just leaving him there, the bastard walked up next to him and used one of his cat legs to stomp down on his neck. It made a horrific cracking noise. Twilight immediately squeaked and grabbed my arm.

Now that his victim had been dealt with, the assassin turned his eyes directly toward me. There was nothing in his gaze. No hate, no anger. Just a cold darkness. He looked away when the medics got to him, but I got the message.

The guy walked out of the dome and disappeared into the crowd.

“What do we know about him?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Gilda said. “He’s brutally taken down several of his opponents, though.”

“Is there any way we can look him up?” I asked. “You guys did a census, right?”

“There is,” Gilda said. “I can have records searched.”

“If you want, Twilight and I can talk to him,” I said. “She can use a lie detecting spell.”

“Not admissible in court,” Gilda said. “Magic is mistrusted here.”

Go figure. “Then I’ll just cheat harder,” I said. “Twilight, do you know any potion recipes?”

“I can make a very basic healing potion, but that’s it. However, I do have some spells we haven’t tested yet. They’re from uh… Grogar’s book.”

“Oooh, that sounds fun! What all can we do?”

“Hm…” She tapped her chin a few times, thinking. “Infernal strength, maybe? Definitely drain energy. Death’s chill would be too obvious… Oh, I can use Bind!”

“Sounds good,” I said. “We’ll wait until it’s closer to time, though.”

“You got it, Navi,” she said with a grin. “I honestly figured you would want to know what they did, though.”

“I’m better off not knowing, I think. I’ll just take your word that they’ll be useful.”

“I wish I could be more helpful,” Gilda sighed. “I have asked a dangerous favor of you, and there is no way I can assist you.”

Twilight smirked. “You’re giving him something to work toward. If she wins, she gets to rub—”

“Shut it,” I said. Gilda sighed in disgust and Twilight giggled. “So what are we gonna do for an hour while we wait?”

“Maybe you should go back to the room and get a shower,” Twilight said. “I don’t mind staying here with the princess.”

“That is not necessary,” Gilda said. “You may go with your special… somehuman.”

“You sure?” Twilight asked. “If there is an assassin about, you’d be safer with me here.”

“I have plenty of guards. I do not fear an assassin. Take Nav to get a shower. I will not have that offensive odor on our date.”

“Then let’s go,” Twilight said, spreading her wings. She slowly sped up into the air.

“I really am sorry about what I said,” I awkwardly said. “My mind was elsewhere and it just slipped out.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I suppose these newspapers will have material for a while.”

“Yeah…” I sighed and joined Twilight in the air. We flew back toward our new hotel. Thankfully, it was close to the palace, so it didn’t take us long.

Griffins were gaping at us as we walked through the common area, but no one said anything. Such sights probably aren’t that uncommon during the festival. We got up to our room without incident. Both of us sighed in relief. “I can honestly say, I wasn’t expecting any of what happened today,” I said.

“It’s certainly been a unique one. What did the king have to say?”

“He apologized for cheating and thanked me for being a friend to his daughter. He also mentioned that Celestia and I were both agents of chaos, so I told him about Discord. He didn’t have much to say about it.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Not good. That might be the last time I ever see him.”

“That’s a shame,” she sighed. “I know you really liked him.”

“Yeah, well… That’s life, I guess. He’s old, so it’s not unexpected. I’m honestly more worried about what’s coming after he dies.”

“Gilda’s still worried about a possible coup?”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “And so am I. I’m gonna get her to introduce me to her oldest brother at some point. I’ll offer my help if anything happens.”

“Be careful,” she said. “I know you like Bloodbeak, but getting involved in a civil war might not be wise.”

“A civil war is a perfect playground for Discord. Worse, it cuts the Crystal Empire off from any kind of support. This place must be stable.”

She sighed and nodded. “Alright, fair enough. At least we’ll have the support of the elementals. They’ll surely want a stable country anyway.”

I wanted to tell her that they could fuck off, but Aqua used my mouth to say, “Good. It’s about time we got a better relationship with them.”

“Even after what happened with Flo?” Twilight asked.

“Flo is one elemental. It’s time we got to really know the rest.”

“True. Still, I hope it never becomes necessary.”

“Me too,” Aqua let me say. “Now, I’m gonna go get cleaned up. I’m tired of feeling crusty.”

“Want some company?” she sweetly asked.

“Hell no. There’s barely enough room in there for me and this stupid fucking tail. You would freeze your ass off.”

“Ugh, fine. But you’re giving me those nuzzles when you get out! And a belly rub!”

“Sounds good. See you soon.” I started dropping clothes as I went to the bathroom.

When I got to the door, my foot froze. “Wait,” Aqua said.

...Why?

“Tripwire.” I looked down at the bottom of the door and saw an extremely fine string across it. I pulled the foot back.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“There’s a tripwire in the door of the bathroom,” I said. “Someone broke in and set up a trap.”

She used magic to pull me away from the door and whispered, “Cover your ears.” I did so. Her horn lit up and a burst of sound shot into the bathroom. The tripwire sprung, shooting three jagged metal spikes where I would have been standing. Nothing else happened, so I assumed there was no one in there.

“Think we can get a room at the palace?” I asked.

“I’ll start packing. You go ask Gilda. I’ll meet you at the palace.”

“Be careful. There’s no telling what other kinds of traps there might be.”

A cute little grin split her face. “You might wanna go now, Navi. It’s about to get really loud in here.”

“Ah. See you soon.” She had things covered and kissing her would be mean since I was disgusting, so I reluctantly put my nasty clothes back on and left. As soon as the door closed, a purple aura covered the whole wall. Nothing else interesting happened, so I just left, walking back down to the lobby.

When I got to the bottom floor and started walking out, the owner’s wife waylaid me. “Ah, Lady Navarone?” she cautiously said.

“Yes?” I asked, reluctantly stopping.

“Is… everything alright? You’re… Well, I’m worried about you.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I was fighting in the tournament earlier and was coming here to get a shower before going back out. Turns out someone broke into my room and boobytrapped it, though, so I’m gonna go ask Princess Gilda for a room in the palace. So we’ll probably be checking out soon.”

“Someone… b-broke in and… WHAT?!”

“Put a trap in it. A pretty nasty one, too. Probably would have killed either me or Twilight if I hadn’t noticed it. Anyway, I really want a shower, so I gotta go. See you around, ma’am.”

Her face went through several emotions before I finally looked away and kept going. I almost got out before she mustered a response, but I just ignored what she shouted at me as I left and took off as soon as I got outside.

“Do you ever remember that you’re supposed to be working on your reputation?” Aqua asked.

“Yeah, all the time. My reputation is as a liar. So I’m just gonna tell the whole truth all the time.”

Aqua sighed. “Once again, I am reminded that I am doing the right thing. You are obviously incapable of being on your own. All you do is hurt and shock people for your own amusement.”

“I like sharing my opinion. More people in this world need to get called on their bullshit.”

“Yourself included, even if you ignore it.”

“Oh, no, I fully admit to being a piece of shit. And at times, I do need guidance. But I don’t think a fucking slaver piece of shit is in any position to tell me how to live my life.”

She snorted. “Stubborn fool.”

I know you’re the bad guy because you called me fool.

“I AM NOT THE BAD GUY!”

Screams the bad guy.

“You’re really gonna enjoy your wedding, Navi. You get to be the submissive partner!”

If you make it that long. You’re already starting to crack. How much longer do you think until Twilight notices?

“I know you better than you know yourself. I could take over completely and no one could tell the difference. And you know what? Even if they did notice, they’d probably prefer it. Because you’re right about one thing, Nav. Not many people actually like you. They’re happy when you do what they want, but once you start fighting back…?”

“My people are loyal to me,” I coldly said.

“Oh? I was in Twilight for quite some time, Nav. There were times she hated you. And more than that, there were times she feared you. If you continue to revert back to what you think you prefer, you’ll lose her.”

“Then it wasn’t meant to be. The others are mostly sworn to me anyway.”

“Relationships require compromise,” she said. “Think of what she has given up for you!”

“Alright, give me examples.”

It took her a second. “She put up with you all those years you were an insufferable baby.”

“She’s the one who cast the spell to bring me here. It was her duty to put up with me, so you can’t count that against me.”

This time it took her a bit longer. Finally, she said, “She paid everything for you for years.”

“Money she got doing nothing. And I earned my keep working in the library and getting experimented on.”

“Stop being so contrarian! You know I’m right, you just refuse to admit it!”

“Fuck off.” She screamed in frustration, but didn’t say anything else. Woo, point for me!

“Expect retribution when you return to me,” she coldly replied.

Yeah, okay buddy. She fucked off after that, so I continued in silence.

The dome wasn’t that much farther. The last contest was already over, but they were still cleaning up body parts. It looked like the dude had been torn apart by a bomb. What the everloving fuck.

“I will fight this one for you,” Aqua said. “He will be too dangerous for you alone. I will fight any battle for you if you are actually in danger. But battles of pride are your own unless you make concessions.”

Alright, I can accept that. But at least give me the option to fight for myself.

“We’ll see.” She shut up again as I descended to Gilda, who was actually staring at the arena, concern across her face.

She didn’t notice when I landed next to her. After a few seconds, I placed my hand on her back and she flinched away, turning to me with fear in her eyes. She sighed in relief when she saw it was me. “Nav…”

“What the hell happened?” I asked.

“It was… monstrous,” she said, shivering. “That beast ripped him to shreds like it was nothing!”

“Wow. That’s not good. So, listen, our hotel room was booby trapped. I was—”

“It was trapped?! Are you both alright?”

“Yeah, we’re good. I was wondering if we could get a room at the palace so I can take a shower. I figure it’ll be harder to sneak in there.”

“Of course! Whatever you need, Nav! Tell me everything.”

“I really need a shower.”

“You were almost killed!”

God dammit. “Ugh, fine, Jesus.” I described the event completely, since she was being so whiny about it. When I was done, I nodded. “There. Now can I go?”

She didn’t look too happy with my attitude, but I wasn’t too happy with her forcing me to stay. After a few moments to collect herself, she nodded. “Yes. One of the guards will accompany you and get you a room, then find the captain. They’ll have your hotel room searched and the patrons questioned. After what just happened, I believe it’s safe to say we can’t chance this thing winning. He must be found and arrested.”

“Does that mean the last round is cancelled?” I asked.

“Yes,” Gilda said.

“Hell yes. Fuck the shower then. I’m taking a bath.”

She rolled her eyes. I didn’t want to stand there anymore, so I finally took off. One of the guards caught up with me quickly and we both flew to the palace. Twilight was waiting for us at the entrance, all of our bags sitting next to her. “How did it go?” she asked.

“Good. The last round is cancelled because Gilda’s arresting the dude. He completely ripped his previous opponent apart.”

She gasped in shock. “W-what are we gonna do?”

“I’m gonna go take a fucking bath. You go nuts. We’re staying in the palace now, so have fun.”

“It’s certainly a step up,” she said with a grin. The guard finally started leading us inside. He took us to a servant and got us going to a free room.

We passed Matilda on the way there. I grinned and waved. She squawked at me, but didn’t hit me this time. That might have had something to do with Twilight, who was giving her a real stink-eye.

Finally, we got to Princess Gilda’s section of the palace. Every single one of the spare bedrooms was empty, since she didn’t have any vassals or close servants. We picked the biggest one and dropped all our shit on its floor.

“I think this will do nicely,” Twilight said when the servant was gone. “Maybe Princess Gilda will let me take a closer look at her lab.”

“I’m sure she’d be happy to. I’m pretty sure she hates me now.”

She nodded. “Yeah, maybe. Enjoy that belly rub, Nav. It’ll probably be the only one you get from her.”

“Yeah… Oh well. Anyway, time to get clean.” I finally started dropping clothes again. Before I got to the bathroom door, I stopped. Since there were assassins about, I decided I didn’t care to enter the bathroom unarmed. I grabbed one of the naga daggers and carried it into the bathroom. Twilight snorted, but didn’t say anything.

I took a quick shower and scrubbed off all the gunk first. As soon as I got the worst of it off, I started the bath and dumped some bubble bath stuff in it. Soon enough, I was surrounded in a warm cocoon of water and bubbles. Shit was dope.

Getting clean took priority, so I quickly scrubbed off further, finally getting all the bullshit off me. When I was good and clean, I leaned back and just relaxed.

“You know, water elementals can act the same as a warm bath,” Aqua said. “I’ll be delighted to do it for you whenever you ask.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

She sighed in disappointment. “I just want your love, Nav. Is that really so much to ask?”

“Yes it is, body-snatcher.”

She snorted and muttered, “So ungrateful!”

I suppose she realized that I really needed some time off, because she finally shut up. My mind drifted back to thinking about my day. It had certainly been an interesting one. That said, it was also a very good one. Fighting like that was… invigorating!

It had been a while since I had some fire in my blood. And treating Matilda like absolute shit was just the cherry on top! It’s been too long since I just let myself tear into someone. The captain of the guard, Bloodbeak, Matilda, Twilight, Gilda… It had been a long day.

And I still had a really awkward date left to go. I slid further into the bath, so my mouth was covered, and started blowing bubbles.

“Child,” Aqua muttered. I ignored her.

The bath felt nice, but my own company was honestly starting to grate. I had a lot on my mind and being alone didn’t feel right.

Just as I was starting to think that, Twilight came in. “How you doing?” she asked.

“Much better,” I said. “You wanna take your turn?”

“Nah, I just used magic to clean myself up. I’m gonna go help Princess Gilda track this griffin down. I just wanted to let you know I was gonna be gone.”

Before I could tell her that I’d be happy to join her, Aqua took over my mouth and said, “I’ll be here when you’re done. I’m afraid those fights made the cramps kick in worse. I need some time to relax.”

“Then I’ll let you to it, Navi,” she said. “I’ll cast a ward on the outside door handle. If anyone touches it, an alarm will sound.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you later tonight, Twiley,” Aqua said.

“Yep! Be careful, Nav. There’s no telling where that assassin might end up.”

“I’m not worried.”

She grinned. “Me either.” With that, she happily trotted out, closing the door behind her.

So why can’t I go with her?

“What makes you think that assassin is here for Gilda? This would be a great chance to take you out. The assassin stared at you earlier, not Gilda. And he booby-trapped your room. I think he’s after you, not Gilda.”

“Then why the hell did you let Twilight leave?”

“Because now he thinks you’re alone. That makes him more likely to strike. Then I will take control of you, enter his mind, and find out why he’s trying to kill you. Then I might turn him into an ally.”

Oh. So, convert and not kill?

“He’s trying to kill you. There is no room for mercy. If his skills could be valuable to us, he will become my new tool.”

“...Okay.”

That information made relaxing difficult, but I still did my best. It was going pretty swell until an unholy shrieking noise filled the air. I lost control instantly as Aqua vaulted out of the water. Every drop of water sucked into my skin and was then disgustingly vomited out back into the tub. As soon as I was dry, Aqua grabbed the dagger. The bathroom door swung open and sure enough, the big bad griffin was on the other side.

“I’m sure you’re wondering—” Aqua launched herself at him. He jumped back into the main room to give himself room to maneuver. I guess she wasn’t interested in hearing what he had to say. He lifted one of his talons and a dagger magically appeared in it. We were done talking, it seemed.

Aqua began circling the room. He stood his ground, but turned to face us. When we finally got to the bed, Aqua grabbed one of the open bags on it and hurled it at the guy. As soon as it left my hands, we sprinted forward behind it. The guy jumped out of the way and stabbed forward with his dagger. Aqua twisted aside at the last second so she could continue forward. As soon as she was in range, she slapped my empty hand down on his face and everything went black.

Soon enough, all three of us appeared in my dream realm. “Here we are,” Aqua sweetly said. “Now then, who are you?”

“I am Doomcrest,” the assassin calmly replied.

“Are you an assassin?” Aqua asked.

“Yes.”

“Are you here to kill Navarone?”

“Yes.”

“Who sent you?” I asked.

“I was hunting a bounty from the dogs in China. I do not know who placed it, but I know where to collect.”

“Sounds familiar,” Aqua said. “I will rip all of the intelligence out of his mind and then put him to use.”

“How?” I asked.

“None of your business.” A few seconds later, the guy disappeared from the dreamscape. Aqua nodded. “Just goes to show how bad you are at making friends,” she said. “You really need to work on your people skills.”

I woke up after that. The assassin was nowhere to be found and I was back in the tub. Twilight appeared an instant after I came to and asked, “What happened to the alarm? It wasn’t set when I got back.”

“A maid came in,” Aqua said. “She didn’t realize this room was in use.”

“That’s a relief,” she sighed. “The guards are turning up nothing, too. The fellow just vanished.”

“He probably assumed his time was up when his trap failed,” I said. “I’m sure he’s long gone now.”

“I hope so. But apparently, instead of cancelling the last round, they’re going to put you up against the next runner up. You’ll need to head that way soon.”

“God dammit,” I sighed as I pulled myself out of the tub. “Can you dry me off, please?” Her horn lit up and all the water on me rolled off and onto the floor, where she steamed it.

When I stepped back into the room, I saw that she had magically cleaned my clothes before she left. I quickly got dressed again and then grabbed the dagger so I could wear it across my back.

“Do you really think you’ll need that?” Twilight asked.

“No. I’d just rather have it anyway.”

She shrugged and we carried on our way. “Do you still want the cheating spells?” she asked.

“We’ve come too far now to lose. Don’t give me anything necromantic, but give me enough to make it easy.”

“You got it.” Her horn lit up and its light hit me. “You should have no problem taking another normal griffin.”

“Good.” The journey back to the dome was uneventful and I got there with a few minutes to spare.

“So my champion has returned,” Gilda said when we landed next to her.

“Yep, and I’m much cleaner now,” I said. “So apparently I still got one more griffin to beat up.”

“Indeed,” Gilda replied. “Then this farce can be over and I can return to my workshop.”

Well, until our date, anyway. I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say that part. “Twilight was wondering if you could show her around your workshop,” I said.

“Very well,” Gilda said. “I suppose showing off some of what I have created will be amusing. It will also give my date time to prepare a better outfit.”

“Why you gotta be hatin’?” I asked.

“I don’t know what that phrase means and I am not interested in learning. Emulating human machines is enough for me.”

“Chillax, girlie. Why you always gotta be castin’ shade? You really need to back up off my grill!”

Gilda completely ignored me and turned back to the dome. Twilight was watching with utter fascination, though. “I’ve never heard so many of those! What do they mean, Navi?”

“Be calm, my female friend. Why do you always show a lack of interest in me and insult who I am? Please stop teasing me so much, it’s hurting my feelings.”

Twilight giggled. “It’s so sincere when you boil it down! Now I see why you use your human slang so much! You’re afraid of showing emotion, so you hide it behind slang so we don’t realize you’re doing it!”

“Bitch, is you smokin’ crack?”

“Let me see… That one means ‘My friend, are you thinking correctly? Your logic seems flawed.’ That’s a kind sentiment, Nav, but it just goes to show I’m right. You’re concerned about me, so you hide it behind slang!”

Aqua giggled. “She’s right, you know.”

Bitch better back up off me! She patted me on the head, of course. “You’re delusional,” I said.

“You’re very defensive,” Gilda said, turning her gaze back to me. “Why is that, I wonder?”

“She thinks everyone’s gonna hurt her,” Twilight said. “Or worse, that she’ll hurt them!”

I wanted to call her on that bullshit, but Aqua forced me to say, “She’s right. It’s something I’ve been working on.”

“Honesty at last,” Gilda said with a smirk. “Just in time, too.”

Twilight and I looked over to the dome, where the peacock was finally starting to squawk for attention. Everyone looked back up to him and I started walking to the cage.

Most of the griffins I passed made a point to touch me. It was a strange gesture of respect, but I didn’t say anything about it. However, when I was about halfway there, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me down. “If you lose, I’ll make you rich.”

“I’m not taking any kind of offer without a legal paper contract, so fuck right off.” I jerked away and kept going. The dude probably wanted me to throw the game so he could win a bet. I kinda wish I had thought to make bets on myself, because there’s no way anyone would have bet on me against the dragon.

I met the other fellow at the gate. He honestly wasn’t much. If I had to guess, I’d say he was some kind of mercenary. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he said with a bow.

“Howdy. I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but do you wanna save yourself an asskicking? Like, I’m sure you’re tough and all, but I just beat a dragon. I’ll be happy to put you down if you want, but I’m sure no one would blame you for just walking away.”

He stared at me for a few long seconds before nodding. “A buddy of mine bet me I wouldn’t join. He didn’t say nothin’ about winning. I say I proved him wrong. I saw what you did to the others and no thanks. I yield.”

I held out my hand for him. He met it with a grin, shook it once, and walked out into the crowd. Each and every one of them understood that decision, but they were still kinda disappointed.

“IT SEEMS WE HAVE A WINNER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” the peacock shouted. “And I must say, it’s quite a unique one! Never before has a female from another species won before! And with such a show! Your fights will be for the legend books, my lovely Lady Navarone!” He finally shot a talon out toward Princess Gilda. “Your prize, my lady!”

Gilda looked insulted by that, but turned toward me anyway. I made my way back to her, the crowd before me parting. Once I got there, she quietly sighed before calling out, “You have won the right to a chance at my heart, great warrior. I suggest you use that chance wisely.”

I lifted one of my hands and wiggled my fingers. Her face turned bright pink. “Trust me, I’m gonna,” I said with a wink. The news people finally took their chance to take pictures. I’m sure the front page of the paper would be either Gilda looking up in red-faced shock at the cameras or her having to be held back by her guards from hitting me while I laughed at her.

Aqua was not pleased, which made it even better.

When Twilight and I got back to our rooms, we found an extremely upset maid in our room. “Oh, Matilda,” I said with a grin. “I didn’t realize you had been assigned as our maid! Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!”

“I am not your maid!” she hissed. “You will receive no service while you are here! You are not welcome in this castle, beast!”

“Tell that to your princess,” I said with a smirk. She glared at me in pure hatred before stalking off past us. “Might wanna do it soon, though! We’re going on a date tonight!”

She screeched and threw herself at me, but Twilight slammed the door in her face. “You’re having way too much fun with this,” she sighed.

“She makes it so easy!”

Her eyes rolled. “Whatever. So what are you gonna do on your date?”

“I dunno, whatever she wants? I assume she had something in mind when she asked me to win.”

“Yeah, before you broke her heart. Not that I’m complaining, of course. The less competition I have, the better.”

“I dunno, I guess I’ll just rub her belly. The date doesn’t have to be long. I think she hates me at this point anyway. So I’ll probably just rub it and leave.”

“This could be your chance to make up for being so mean to her today.”

“She asked me to do her a favor! It’s not my fault she doesn’t like how I’ve done it.”

“You were teasing her the whole time!”

“...Not the whole time.”

She shook her head sadly as she walked over to the bed. “At least this one is nicer than the one in the hotel.” When she jumped into it, a cloud of dust shot out, making her cough. “W-what on earth?”

“Gilda doesn’t get many visitors,” I said. “And her chief maid just said we’re not getting any service.”

“Well… shoot!” Her horn lit up and all the dust disappeared. “I gotta say, this vacation has been quite a mixed bag!”

“Yeah, that it has,” I said. “Truth be told, I’m eager to get home.” Minus all the vague threats from Miss Bitchy Britches.

“I’m kinda feelin’ the same. I mean, I am having fun, but I kinda like having you more to myself.”

“Right? You wanna just drop the act and enjoy the festival together?”

“Sure, though there’s not much left. We’ll have to keep an eye out for that assassin, though. He might want revenge.”

“I don’t think we need to worry about him,” I said. “I’m pretty sure he knew he was outmatched. That’s why he ran.”

“Maybe. Anyway, I’m gonna go find the princess. Maybe she’ll be in the mood to show me her lab!”

“Have fun,” I said. “I’m probably just gonna chill here.”

“‘Kay. I’ll come let you know when you need to start preparing for the date.”

“Cool beans. See you.” She nodded and finally left. I pulled my dagger, shirt, and bra off, then hopped into bed. “Today’s been a pretty alright day.”

“The fact that you consider this anything other than a complete and total haunting failure is horrific. You have behaved like an animal. And you’re proud of it!”

“Most of the griffins loved it, too. I think you’re just biased.”

“I think you’re just mental! At this point, I’m just making a list of everything that’s going to have to change when you get back to Canterlot. I’m going to enjoy breaking you into the perfect little wife.”

“Yeah, okay buddy.”

“Your acceptance of it is warming. Don’t think I’ll let you resist, Nav. You will learn to obey me with a smile on your face.”

“I’ll beat you, Aqua. I’m the main character, after all.”

That made her chuckle, of course. “You are so delusional, Nav. Truly, such a child! I can’t believe you lasted this long without guidance.”

She was gonna keep being a butt, so I started ignoring her and just relaxed on the bed.

Time to decompress was just what I needed. When Twilight finally got back, I felt more like myself again. It was nice. “You said it right,” Twilight sighed as she walked in. “Princess Gilda is a genius!”

“Yeah, she sure is. Kind of a bitch sometimes, though.”

“Sometimes,” she replied with a shrug. “But I do understand why. Part of what kept me away from other ponies as a foal is that many of them weren’t at my intelligence or maturity level. I couldn’t imagine being surrounded by griffins who not only weren’t at my intelligence level, but actively mocked me for being smarter. Griffins are supposed to be tough fighters, not thinkers.”

“Fair enough. Still, you’d think she would chill out now that she’s found some people she can actually talk to.”

“Yeah, she thought that, too. Then you ruined any hope she had of being with you and started embarrassing her in front of everyone.”

“Well, what would you say if you were fighting a fucking dragon in… I dunno, hoof to claw combat?”

“Uh… nothing? You don’t have to talk to your opponents, Nav.”

“Yeah, but it’s fun.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I still remember your fight with Sombra…”

“I was not expecting that guy to be so good at smack talk. It was the first time I ever felt… inadequate.”

“Well, you still won.” She finally walked over and hopped up onto the bed with me, then slid on top of me with her face right over me. “You know, with my help.”

“I was doing pretty good on my own. Right up until he started cheating, anyway.”

“And then I got to be your… what was it, purple guardian angel?” The smirk on her face was just too cute.

“Something like that,” I said with a shrug.

Apparently she had waited long enough and finally leaned in to nuzzle me. When she had her fill of nose-on-nose, she started rubbing her cheek against mine. “That was when we finally started getting along again, wasn’t it?”

“I’d say it was Athena’s book of horrors,” I replied. “Getting forced to work together like that was good for us.”

“Hm, true. And then Celestia’s letter, of course.”

I snorted. “Celestia’s fucking letter. I wonder if she knows how much the girls hate her now.”

“We all know our duty, Nav,” she replied with a sigh, finally pulling away. “Now we know that we serve not only Equestria, but the entire world. Discord must be stopped. Even if… even if he did create the Elements of Harmony… We have to do something! None of us could just go back to our lives, Nav. This is more important.”

“Yeah but… You gotta hate her by now, right? Haven’t you seen enough?”

She sighed and looked away. It gave me the perfect shot, so I finally reached up and hugged her, pulling her down so I could rub my cheek against hers. She actually nickered in surprise, which was completely adorable.

When she got over her embarrassment, she pulled back. “Nav… I was trying to make this cute and innocent! If you keep acting like that, it’s gonna get naughty.”

“First off, don’t ever threaten me with a good time. Except actually don’t in this case, because I’m honestly not feelin’ it at the moment.”

“Aww… Okay.” She fell back down onto me and continued rubbing her cheek against mine. “By the way, the princess is getting ready for your date. You are to meet her in her chambers in one hour. Well, that was about fifteen minutes ago, so in forty-five minutes.”

“Oh.”

“That’s why I’m rubbing my scent all over you. I don’t want her getting any ideas.”

“Wow. Okay. So listen, I kinda need to get ready.”

“Hm?” she sweetly replied, hugging me tighter. She moved her head lower and I could feel her breathing heavily against my chest as she nuzzled my neck.

God dammit. “Twilight?”

“Ooh, sorry. You just smell so good! I don’t know what it is, but all that… sweat and musk! I’m sorry dear, but you might be a little bit late for your date!” I grabbed her horn and pulled her away. “On second thought, I think I’ll give you some space!” I let her go. She rolled away from me with a disappointed sigh. “...Tease.”

“I’ll give you an Australian kiss when I get back tonight,” I said, finally rolling off the bed.

“What is that?”

“A kiss down under.”

“Oh. We call that a Tartaran kiss.”

“...Right. Whatever. Point is, I’ll eat you out when I get back. But that’s it for tonight. I’m really just not feelin’ it.”

“I’m okay with the blood, Nav,” she said. “And it’s obvious our hormones are compatible! This could be a lot of fun, if you just let it.”

“No.”

It was obvious she wanted to keep trying, but she sighed and just said, “Then thank you for eating me out.”

“Happy to help. Sorry I can’t do more, but today’s just been a day, you know?”

“I know full well,” she sighed. “It’s just hard, with me in heat.”

“Having been a mare in heat, I can promise you that you’ll live. Now, can you get all this purple hair off of me?”

She giggled and shook her head. “I’ll get it before you leave, silly. That way, the scent will have longer to stick in.”

“I’m gonna take a shower and change, actually. I just didn’t want hair everywhere.”

“Hm… good idea,” she said with a nod. “It’s better that you don’t have the day’s musk on you. If she smells that, she might be all over you!”

“Right.” And it means I don’t have your stench all over me. I finally started peeling the rest of my clothes off. I gotta say, it felt good to be free.

When I stopped to stretch, Twilight quietly said, “Keep going…”

“You skank.” I kept going though, because I like teasing her. I left a trail of clothes to the bathroom, finally entering it fully nude. Thankfully, my weird pseudo-marefriend kept her mouth shut.

“Now wasn’t that adorable?” Aqua sweetly asked.

“Kinda creepy, actually,” I replied. “She reminded me a little of you.”

“Then how could that possibly be creepy?” she asked. “You should be happy!”

After a horribly long argument in the shower, I finally deemed myself clean again. I also confirmed once and for all that Aqua is completely insane.

Not that, you know, I really doubted it.

When I got out of the shower, I wrapped myself in as many towels as I could find to ward off the chill, then went back into the bedroom. Twilight was rolling around on the bed, which was covered in all of my spare clothing.

As soon as she noticed me, she rolled my way with a huge grin. “Need some help drying off, Navi?”

“Dude, what the fuck?” I asked.

“I got the impression she was going to make a move on you,” she huffily replied. “So I want to remind her you’re taken!”

“Didn’t you say griffins got off to prey animals being submissive cheating sluts?”

She stared at me in silence for a few seconds before her eyes shot wide open and a huge blush crossed her face. “What have I done?!”

“Been a silly filly,” I said. “Now get the fuck off my clothes. I kinda need to wear them.” She jumped right down, then her horn lit up. “No, leave it,” I said.

“W-what?!”

“You can clean the hair off after I get in them, but the scent stays.”

“Why?!”

“Because you accused me of being unfaithful.”

She sat there in silence for a few seconds before lifting an eyebrow. “What?”

“Sorry, that sounded better in my head. I have said a lot of stupid stuff today.”

“Yeah. You have.”

“Point is, you acted like I didn’t have a choice to sleep with Gilda. If it happens, it happens because I let it happen. And I’ve already made my opinion of Gilda pretty clear.”

She sniffed. “Fine. Have fun with your belly rub.”

“I will, thank you!” Bitch. A part of me wanted to pick the skankiest outfit just to spite her, but I really didn’t want to piss Gilda off that much. I settled for something more conservative: The most boring skirt and blouse I had.

As soon as I was dressed, Twilight’s horn lit up and all the hair disappeared. I couldn’t smell her before, so I’d just have to assume the smell was still there. “I might go out while you’re gone,” she said.

“Be safe, Twilight,” I said. “That assassin is still out there.”

She just huffed and teleported out. “Smooth move,” Aqua said. “It’s gonna make breaking up with her so much easier!”

“I told you that she’d learn to hate me as much as I hate me. Now then… Do you know the way to her chambers?”

“Yes. Grab your dagger. You might need it.”

Oooh, spooky! I strapped the thing to my back, though. Whoever tried might be interested in trying again. If I was gonna sit back and watch Aqua straight up brutalize someone, I’d rather watch her do it with a vicious dagger.

“I’m so happy that you’re looking forward to me taking over,” Aqua said. “I hope you get used to it!”

Oh no, whatever could be in store for me? Hm, if only I had some fucks to give, I’d really put some thought to it! Now lead the way to my date.

“Now you’ve gone and upset me, Navi! I’ll still lead you to Gilda because I love you, but you hurt my feelings!”

“I’m okay with that.”

It sounded like she sniffled, but started giving me directions. Her voice was super pathetic and it sounded like she was on the edge of tears. It made me feel like a bully.

I liked it.

By the time we got to Gilda’s room, Aqua was actually crying. I had the biggest grin on my face when I ran into Matilda at Gilda’s door. It looked like the woman was standing watch.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“On the date I won with your princess, silly! It’s weird, I thought you knew about that. Well, the short version is, I beat the shit out of some low-class mercenaries and helped protect the princess from an assassin! And now I’m on my way to my date with her.”

“Over my dead body!” Matilda shouted.

The door slammed open, revealing Gilda in full princess mode. She even had the adorable fluffy gown and tiara! “You will cease this foolishness at once, Matilda!” Gilda shouted. “You have lost and I have won!”

“...Lost what, your majesty?” Matilda coldly asked.

“You were trying to marry me off. Well, I wasn’t gonna let you get away with your stupid schemes! I don’t need another bullheaded griffin trying to order me around!”

Matilda scoffed. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about! The griffin I found for you was a sensitive academic! He respected what you were doing and wanted to work with you!”

“Well I’m happy like I am! Now leave us, Matilda. This date does not include a chaperone.”

Matilda turned to glare at me. “If you so much as lay one of those disgusting monkey paws upon her, I’ll have you arrested!”

“She’ll be laying a lot more than a finger on me,” Gilda said with a smirk. “She’s rubbing my whole belly. We’ll see where her hands go after that!” Matilda squawked in horror or surprise. “Now please, do come in,” Gilda added, taking a step back and waving an arm invitingly.

Not gonna say no to that invitation. I walked past a stunned Matilda. Once I was clear, I shot two finger pistols at her. “Totally nice seeing you again, buddy!”

She wasn’t able to come up with a response until the door was shutting. “I’m not your buddy, beast!”

“She’s a great friend,” I sighed when the bitch couldn’t hear us anymore. Gilda finally stopped to face me. The look on her face was… unusual. “Look, I won’t force a belly rub on you. If you really don’t want it, it’s no big deal.” Though it might ruin my whole day.

“Are you curious about why I finally tried to date you, Nav?”

“Sure. Go for it.”

“I always prefered hens anyway.”

That… honestly wasn’t incredibly surprising. “Huh.”

“You pushed the pony nobles to come out about their desires. A part of me hoped I could use you to reveal mine.”

“Oh. Wow. So when you said we’d see where my hands ended up….”

She grinned and a small blush came over her face. “You gotta make up for being so mean somehow. Having someone help me with my heat for the first time sounds… nice. And don’t act like you wouldn’t enjoy it!”

I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting that one. “Look, Gilda…” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “You’re in heat. How do I know you actually want this? You might just want relief.”

“I do want relief. And I want it from the one who has caused so much of the stress.”

“Your father actually told me that if I ever touched you, it better be on our wedding night.”

That didn’t even faze her. “In a few years, whose support will be more valuable? His or mine? Besides, it’s not like anyone will ever know!”

“After what you just told Matilda? She’s probably already on her way to Bloodbeak now.”

“She wanted me to have the perfect date. Well, this is it! If she thinks to take it from me after I worked so hard to earn it, she has another thing coming! I want this, Nav. A part of me has wanted it ever since I saw you in that adorable sundress at your party. I wanted to rip it off of you. Instead, I invited you here, where I was supposed to take you on a wonderful date. That’s no longer viable, but I will not walk away empty-taloned!”

God dammit, she’s so fucking hot, but this feels so wrong! If only I had another person to consult for advice!

“I can’t believe you’re even tempted by this,”Aqua said. “You are a brute.”

That’s a wonderful point, Aqua. Thank you for your contribution. “As you wish, Gilda. You’re in charge of the date, so whatever. But I’m only doing stuff to you. I don’t want anything back.”

“So be it,” she immediately replied.

“And this gets me off the hook for all of my fuckups today!”

“Deal.”

“Then let’s do this,” I said with a grin. It took me a second to realize she was purring in excitement. Why do I always attract the weird ones?

“Because you’re the weirdest of them all,” Aqua sullenly replied.

“Now come along, Navi,” Gilda said, turning to lead me further into her chambers. Soon enough, we stood in her actual bedroom. “And now the great hero has finally come to claim her prize.”

“Not gonna lie, you’re looking pretty fucking tasty.”

That made her blink. “I… What?”

“Sorry, I love bad pickup lines.”

“But why tasty?”

“Because I’m gonna be eatin’ a piece of you later.” She blinked again. “What about this are you not getting?”

“...Are human females like praying mantises?”

What the fuck? “Wow. No. Sorry, let me put this as bluntly as possible. I’m going to be shoving my tongue inside of your vagina.” Her mouth dropped. “...I’m not eating you, Gilda.”

“You’re putting your tongue where?!”

And that’s when Aqua just started giggling hysterically at me. “So how are the sex ed classes in Gryphus?” I asked.

The bright red blush that slowly spread across her face was both adorable and very discouraging. “I know where hatchlings come from!”

“Oh my god, this is gonna be amazing!”

It was obvious she no longer shared my enthusiasm. “And now you’re mocking me.”

“No, I’m not,” I sighed. “I’m gonna do my best to make this amazing for you, princess. About the only thing I’m actually good at is sex, so your first time is in good hands.”

“Forgive me if that doesn’t exactly make me feel better!”

I placed one of my pointer fingers right on her beak. “Relax. Take a deep breath.” She didn’t want to obey me, but she did it anyway. “Now, slowly exhale.” As she did so, I moved my hand from her beak to her cheek so I could pull her in for a kiss. When I pulled away, she finally had a nervous smile on her face. “Feel better?” I asked with a grin.

“...A little. So then, do unto me as you would. I am in your care, Lady Navarone.”

“Right, let’s do this.” Thank you for the life advice, Leeroy Jenkins. “Go ahead and get out of that dress, Gilda. I want you unwrapped.” As she got started, I walked over to the bed and sat down. Once I was facing her again, I realized she was baring her belly, with its rows of nipples. That’s when I remembered why the other Gilda enjoyed her belly rub so much.

I realized very quickly that all the talk of rubbing her belly was basically innuendo for playing with her nipples. That… kinda explains a lot.

“And now you’re known in yet another nation as a complete pervert,” Aqua judgmentally said.

That one was my bad, I’ll admit. Anywho, time to appreciate the view. “Oh yeah,” I huskily said. “Show me that sweet belly.” She dropped back down to the ground with a scandalized expression on her face. “Ooh, you’re so cute! I can’t wait to just eat you up!” Her blush returned with a fury. “Now keep going.”

“M-must you watch?” she quietly asked.

“Why wouldn’t you want me to?” I replied. “You’re very attractive, Princess. I like watching you. Why don’t you like being watched?”

“It’s… embarrassing…”

“You’re normally nude anyway! You can let yourself have fun here. But if you really want, you can turn the lights off. It’ll make things less fun, but whatever.”

She sighed and continued getting undressed. I went back to watching her with a grin. All she really had on was a dress, some pointless shoes, and socks under the shoes. I let her keep the socks on. Soon, I beheld the mostly nude princess, who was blushing up a storm.

“Well, come on over,” I said, patting the bed. “I promise I won’t bite!”

She gulped and hesitantly joined me. Before she could get comfortable, I rolled her over onto her back. “P-please be gentle,” she whispered.

“For now,” I said as my hand slowly stroked her belly. A tiny whimper of joy escaped her lips as I began rubbing the vulnerable princess’s belly.

“Oooh, N-nav…” she whispered when my fingers tweaked her nipples. Soon enough, I had her moaning in delight like the good little princess she was.

“How do you like being my little tummy slut?” I asked.

“It’s a-amazing!”

I smirked and started moving my hand lower, to play with something a little more fun.

Right before I could get there, her door burst open and the assassin from earlier stormed in. I was on my feet before I knew what I was doing, the knife in my hands. Aqua, what the hell?!

“He’s outlived his use,” she replied.

Either he wasn’t in her control anymore or she just really wanted me to die, because he was attacking me like his life depended on it. Which was kinda accurate, because I was damn sure gonna kill him.

All of our magical buffs had apparently worn off, but he was still swinging his knife around with ridiculous speeds and it was all I could do to keep out of his reach. After about fifteen seconds of aimlessly dodging and deflecting, Aqua finally took over my body and grabbed his knife talon with the hand that wasn’t holding my dagger, then used the other to slam the knife into this guy’s chest.

The knife fell out of his talon as he stepped back. Aqua grabbed it before it could hit the ground and used it to slice his throat before he could move another inch. Blood instantly showered out all over me.

“N-Nav…?” Gilda weakly said.

I dropped the knife and shivered. “I’m… I’m good. Ugh, now I need another shower!”

Before I could complain some more, she jumped out of the bed to hug me. The instant before I could hug her back, two guards burst in. They looked angry until they saw the body and the blood. After taking a second to collect themselves, one checked on the body and the other said, “Princess, are you hurt?”

“I am fine,” she replied, still holding tightly onto me. “My savior protected me well!”

“This is the same griffin from the tournament,” the other guard said. “How did he get into the palace?”

“That’s not the important question,” I replied. “Does he have any friends?”

The guy inspecting the corpse looked up at the other guard. “Protect Princess Gilda and Lady Navarone. I’ll raise the alarm!” Before either of us could say otherwise, he sprinted out of the room.

The one that remained rubbed the back of his neck. “When Matilda ordered us to check up on you, this… isn’t what we were expecting.”

“And what were you expecting, hm?” Gilda testily asked from her comfortable spot attached to my side.

“To walk in on a belly rub,” the guard awkwardly replied. Gilda glared daggers at the poor guy, but I wiped that look off her face by scratching at her neck. She sighed in delight as I put my hands to good use. “...I kinda wonder what we would have seen if we got here a few minutes earlier.”

“Keep on wondering,” I said. “And while you’re doing that, bring me a towel. This fucker got his nasty blood everywhere.”

“I don’t want to leave your side, my lady,” he replied. “There’s no telling if another might show up.”

“Fine, then I’ll do it myself.” I finally pushed the princess back, though she seemed extremely reluctant to let me go. Her rooms weren’t that large, so finding the bathroom was simple.

Before I could start cleaning myself, Gilda snatched the towel out of my hand and set me down on the tub’s edge. “I would be pleased to assist my savior,” she sweetly said as she started cleaning the blood off my face.

“That’s not nece—”

“I said I’ll do it!” The towel felt very rough against my face for a few seconds, but then she calmed down and it smoothed out. I decided to let her clean the blood off.

“Thank you, Gilda,” I said as she worked.

“And thank you for saving me, Nav,” she quietly replied. “I would have been defenseless against that brute…”

I placed one of my hands against her cheek, since it looked like she was shaking. “Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked.

“I…”

Before she could keep going, we heard an enraged Matilda shrieking in the next room. There’s no way she could have seen us, so something else must have pissed her off. Gilda sighed and taloned me the towel so she could go take care of that. I hopped up and looked into the mirror so I could start properly cleaning myself.

So what was the point of that?

“If those guards walked in on you fingering the princess, how do you think they would have reacted?”

Probably poorly.

“Indeed. So I had the assassin watching. When he saw guards coming this way, he beat them here so they wouldn’t catch you in a compromising position.”

And you had to sacrifice his life for that? Couldn’t you have just warned me?

“But then you wouldn’t be a big hero. Now you’ve saved the princess’s life and can be trusted alone with her. You can freely steal her cherry now, if that is still what you desire.”

Hey, it’s not stealing if she gives it to me. But thank you, Aqua. You’re a complete bitch and I’m probably never going to be happy about this, but you’re growing on me.

“I’m delighted to hear that, my little cherry blossom!”

And now I feel disgusted again. I got over it and dropped the towel in the sink before heading back to the main room. Matilda was forcefully hugging an annoyed looking Gilda. There were several more guards in the room and one of them had placed a sheet over the body. The two knives were now against one of the walls, well away from the corpse.

Before I could walk over to Gilda, one of the guards stepped in front of me. “We need you to return to your room, my lady,” he said. “We’re doing a full sweep of the palace and all guests need to be in their assigned rooms. Anyone caught out of place will be arrested and interrogated.”

“She is going nowhere!” Gilda said, finally forcing Matilda away. “Not after she saved my life!”

“I don’t mind, really,” I said. “You’re in good hands now. I don’t want to get in the way.”

“I don’t see how the hero of the hour could get in the way,” Gilda replied. “You are to remain right here by my side!” Some of the guards shared awkward looks. “It is the princess’s command!”

“Your date is obviously over,” Matilda said. “You two wouldn’t be back in your chambers, otherwise. I’m sure Lady Navarone was just leaving when this assassin attacked. There’s no need for her to stay.”

Gilda turned a withering glare on her mean maid. While she was occupied with that, I walked over and grabbed my knife so I could resheathe it. “We’ll talk more in the morning, princess,” I said. “For now, it really might be best if I just left.”

“...Fine.” She sounded pretty miffed, so I decided leaving quickly would be best. I beat feet down the hall to the room Twilight and I were sharing.

I wasn’t expecting to see her chilling on the bed when I got in. “Back so soon?” I asked.

“I didn’t actually… Wait, is that blood?!”

I guess I didn’t get clean enough. “Yeah, the assassin showed up.” She gasped. “I had to put him down.”

“Is Gilda alright?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. A little bit traumatized, but she’s in good hands.”

“Good,” she sighed. “So how did your date go?”

“I got my belly rub, so I’d say it was a win. So where did you run off to?”

“Nowhere. I just wanted to make you jealous…”

“Oh. I’m gonna go clean this blood off and then do some awfully lewd things to you.”

“...’Kay.”

And so I did. It was enjoyable.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Five—The Hamlet of Mehdiocrity

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Five—The Hamlet of Mehdiocrity

Some time after I fell asleep, Aqua pulled me out of the inky blackness she allowed me to succumb to. “Is it morning already?” I sighed. “I’m not ready to deal with you some more.”

“You’re being moved to another location,” she said.

“...Um. Wake me up.”

“No, that would be unwise. From what I have gleaned, Princess Gilda is on her way to a personal retreat. You and Twilight are accompanying her.”

“Uhhh… Why?”

She shrugged. “I do not know. But Twilight is cooperating, so you are safe.”

“And she didn’t think to wake me up? I kinda feel like this is something about which I should have been notified.”

“She knows you are difficult to awaken, especially in the winter. Apparently it was prudent for the hero to get her beauty sleep, too.”

“...I don’t like this,” I sighed.

“You will only be at the retreat for today. I sense no hostility. Twilight just didn’t want to wake you, since she knew you would be interested in helping protect Gilda. Plus you get a free day at a royal retreat, whatever that entails.”

“Wake me up.”

“And how will you explain that, hm?” she asked. “They are being very careful with you. Given your biology, you don’t exactly just wake up. You’re out until dawn. Just think about it this way: Without me, you would have woken up with no idea where you were.”

“And now I have to pretend to be surprised.”

“But you won’t be hostile, correct?” she sweetly asked. “If it weren’t for me, you would have caused a scene. Wouldn’t that have been quite embarrassing, my little cherry blossom?”

“No, it would have been in character.”

She giggled and reached out to boop me. I bore it with as much dignity as possible. “You’re so adorable, Navi. This shall be the beginning of your change! So when you awaken, you will behave.”

I sighed and shook my head. “You really are just the worst, huh?”

“Well…” She shot in and kissed me on the forehead before whispering, “Too bad.”

I blacked out and woke up in a strange bed with Twilight curled up in my arms. As soon as I stirred, she sat up and kissed me for a short moment. “Relax, Nav,” she said. “We had to move somewhere else.”

“What happened?”

“The guards thought it best that Gilda be evacuated. She demanded to take you, to reward you for saving her.”

“Not for extra protection?” I asked with a smirk.

“Oh no,” she said, shaking her head. “Princess Gilda was incredibly embarrassed by the attack since all the guards had left on her order. The fact that someone else had to save her was… unseemly.”

“That’s not good. Where is she now?”

“Across the hall,” she said. “I’m not sure if she would be awake or not. For now, we have some time to ourselves…”

“That sounds nice,” I said, pulling her tighter. “You wanna help preen my wing?”

“Ooooh, that sounds fun!” She lifted me with magic and rolled me over. “I’ll also help you polish your scales!”

“Uh… What?”

“Your scales,” she replied, tapping my tail. “You have to maintain these things, Nav. If anything gets in them, you have to pick it out before it gets infected. Remember that bug that got into Reginald’s scales?”

“Ugh, god dammit. I hate this fucked up body. Do you think I could get away with being a changeling today?”

“Absolutely not. If you are outed, you will likely be killed. Now sit still.” Her magic pulled my feathery wing taught and she giggled. “Don’t worry, Navi. I’ll be gentle!”

“Tha—Ah!”

“So how was your date with the princess?” she sweetly asked as she pressed down on the largest sensor node on the wing.

“F-fun!” I replied. She stroked the node again before pressing down on it, making me squirm. “I-I rubbed her belly! When I was d-done, the assassin attacked!”

One of her hooves moved in to press down on the base of my tail, making my legs start shaking. “And that’s all?” she asked.

“Y-yes!”

She finally pressed her body up against mine and pulled me tight. “So you think I didn’t watch, Navi?”

“You said you were running off to go have fun! Why wouldn’t I get to as well?”

“After all that talk about how you weren’t going to sleep with her?!”

“She was very persuasive.”

She sniffed. “Well, you earned part of your forgiveness last night.”

“For what?” I asked. “We’ve been fucking random people all this week. You literally got used like a fleshlight in a glory hole. Don’t you try to high road me here!”

“After what you said to me and then after what you almost did?! How would it feel to have stolen her cherry, Nav?”

“You wanna know the truth, Twilight?” I sighed.

“Yes, of course!”

“...You’re not gonna like it.”

“It’s better than a lie,” she solemnly said, finally releasing my pleasure points. “Tell me.”

“It’s because of a personal goal.”

“...To deflower Princess Gilda?”

“No, not exactly,” I replied, rolling back over to face her. “It’s all quite selfish, honestly…”

“You better start explaining right now, missy!”

I looked away and started playing with one of my strands of hair. “...I’m collecting high ranking women.”

“...You’re what?”

“Sleeping with them,” I said. “It’s kinda like a sport. I just do it automatically.”

“...I see. And to what end?”

“To build up my score. Deflowering a princess would be a first! It would also add another nation and another royal to my list.”

She face-hooved and groaned. “You’re the worst! What’s your list?!”

“Queen Chrysalis, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Lady Fleur, Lady Twiggles…” She scoffed at that. “...Whatever Kumani is, a powerful human woman back in my time, I was considered for use as a breeding sow by a dragon overlord, a spider noblewoman requested that I become her sex slave, and maybe one or two others.”

Before Twilight could reply, Aqua giggled and added aloud, “Oh, and Prince Shining Armor.”

Twilight grunted. “Please don’t mention that again.”

“I really wish I could forget that event, but it is now all forgiven.” Well, I might punish Shining Armor as well. That could be fun.

“How did Cadance take her punishment?”

“Eh. I might check in on her tonight.”

“Hmph. So you are in this solely for your manly pride?”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Like I said, I’m sure you’re not happy to hear that.”

“On the contrary,” she replied, booping me on the nose. “I’m happy to hear that you have a goal. It’s good for you. I have to admit your goal is… unusual, but I still approve. So if that is all, I shall help you bag Princess Gilda.”

“Best marefriend ever,” I said, snuggling up to my little Twiggles.

“And don’t you forget it,” she sighed in delight. “Now, I will clean up your tail, but you should ask Gilda to preen your wing.”

“‘Kay. You’ll have to show me how to maintain this stupid thing later, if I don’t end up chopping it off.”

“It’s not that difficult, but you’d be better off asking Spike. Now, let’s get you flipped over!” Her magic lifted me again and placed me on my stomach so she could stretch my tail out fully. “Just relax, Nav. This might actually feel good.”

“I hope not. I don’t want to start liking this thing.”

She giggled and pressed down on the base, making me squirm again. “You already like some of it, I see!”

“It’s hard to relax when you keep molesting me!”

“Then stop being so adorable, silly!” It felt like she finally started picking at my tail. “I don’t expect much will get caught in here, but you’ll need to watch out for lint and dirt, especially after yesterday’s fights.”

“Those fights also taught me to be more mindful of it. That dragon was able to use it against me several times.”

“It looked like you were able to use his, too. Is that how you defeated him, Navi?”

“Yep. I used it to pin him.”

“That’s just like you,” she replied with a chuckle. “Win by any means, no matter the cost. Your human ingenuity truly shines when you fight.”

“Is the cute fluffy prey admiring the fierce predatory human’s fighting style?”

“This corrupted little slut is complimenting her adorable pet. You’re fun to watch, Navi, even when you’re fighting.”

“Yeah, well, fighting dirty is an art. Expect to see more of it when we go to Tartarus, especially with Luna at my side.”

“It’s gonna be an interesting trip.” Her magic picked up and it felt like she was rubbing the entire tail up and down. “This should give it a good sheen. I think Spike has something he rubs onto his. It helps keep it clean and keeps it shiny for longer.”

“I’ll ask him. I really hate these new body parts. Having to learn how to take care of all this stuff is a nightmare.”

“I bet. But… There are upsides, right?”

“Not many. It’s mostly shit. With my wings mismatched, I can barely fly. My eyes are nice, so that’s one. The tail completely sucks. The plant stuff is pretty neat, but I miss some aspects of my old body. And don’t even get me started about being a woman.”

“...I see.” She sounded somewhat depressed by that, for some reason.

“For a very good reason, actually,” Aqua said in my head. “How would anybody feel after listening to someone disparaging their own body so? Especially since she’s your special somepony and the mare who gave you the tail. All the negative things you say about yourself hurt her.”

Weird. “Thanks for fixing up my tail, Twiggles. Are we allowed to leave this room?”

“Well, they didn’t say we couldn’t leave. So by your logic, I say we’d be fine.”

“You wanna get dressed and go hunt down breakfast, then?” Assuming, of course, she remembered to bring my clothes at all.

“I’m surprised you’re actually hungry, but that sounds good to me.”

“I’m not,” I replied as she hopped off the bed. “But I know you probably are and I know I need to eat anyway, so…” Plus, I bet meat is on the menu. I tried rolling off the bed, but instead of hitting the floor, both my legs smacked against a large trunk.

“I didn’t really have much time to organize everything last night,” she said while I slid over the trunk. She was already floating over all of my clothes, so I didn’t bother popping the other trunk open.

Once she set them on the bed, I got to work picking my outfit for the day. Since most of my options were either short dresses or short skirts with small blouse combos, it wasn’t too difficult of a choice. When my body was properly girded in a miniskirt that I kept trying to pull down, we finally left the room.

We were at the end of a very short hall. Right across from us was another door with a guard outside of it. He nodded when he saw us. “Good morning, my ladies,” he quietly said. “I believe the princess is still sleeping.”

“‘Kay. Are we allowed to wander around or do we need to wait for her?”

“For now, I ask that you wait for the princess. But if there is anything you need, I can have it sent for.”

“A map of whatever city or town we’re in and breakfast,” I said.

“What manner of foods can you eat, my lady?” he asked.

“Anything a griffin can, but I prefer my meat cooked instead of raw.”

“Are sausages fine?”

“Absolutely.” And I bet they’ll taste amazing, too. “Twilight’s gonna need a standard horse breakfast, though.”

“I’ll have it taken care of, my lady. A servant should knock soon.”

“Excellent. Thanks.” He bowed his head while Twiggles and I went back into our temporary cell and closed the door. “So much for being able to get out and about.”

“Why did you want a map?” she asked.

“Because I prefer always knowing where I am. One of the first things you should do when you get to a new place is familiarize yourself with it.”

“I mean… I guess, but this place isn’t that large at all. The manor we’re in is supposed to be really close to the springs, so I don’t think Gilda was planning on going far until it was time to return to Gryphus.”

“What springs?”

“The hot springs,” she said. “Did I not mention that? This place is famous for them.”

Oh my god, it’s the onsen episode! “I didn’t pack a swimming suit.”

“So? Just go nude. You’re trying to seduce the princess anyway, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

“Uh… blood?”

She shrugged. “There’s enough water that it shouldn’t matter too much. You need to stop letting this control so many aspects of your life, Nav. It doesn’t bother any of us, not really. We understand that it’s something you can’t help and none of us hold it against you.”

“Okay. So what are we supposed to do until Gilda wakes up?”

We took a few minutes to poke around the room. One of the walls had a window that overlooked a small courtyard and showed us that we were on the third or so floor, but it didn’t really offer much in the way of entertainment. There were a few dressers, but they were all empty. The closet wasn’t very deep and only had a few old cleaning supplies and extra blankets. One bookcase had nothing but cookbooks and the other was covered in knick-knacks. The bathroom was very basic, with only a toilet, a small sink, and a shower.

Twilight finally sighed and said, “There don’t seem to be too many options.”

“This sub-vacation sucks. Why did you let them drag us here?”

Her eyes rolled. “Princess Gilda was really angry last night. She wasn’t interested in hearing the word no from anybody. Getting blue-beaned by an assassin will do that to a mare, I suppose.”

“I’ve never seen what it does to a mare, but it sure did piss off a hen last night.”

“Ugh, shut up.” She finally grabbed me with magic and gently set me back on the bed. “At least we can still cuddle.”

“It’s the little things,” I replied as she hopped up to join me. “You’re so soft and warm…”

“And your hair smells like strawberries,” she said, using magic to pull me closer.

“That said, please stop manhandling me with magic. That shit is super annoying.”

“Noted.”

And so we both faded away like that until someone knocked at the door. When Twilight sat up to open the door with magic, I realized that her mane was now braided.

“Ava is sneaky,” Aqua said.

Yeah, that shit is mad spooksville, yo.

She chose not to reply.

The servant seemed somewhat surprised when the door opened without anyone else standing there. Since she was a pony, she figured it out pretty quickly. I’m sure seeing Twilight staring at her intently probably helped. The little mare pushed a food cart in. “Princess Gilda’s guard said you ordered breakfast, my ladies,” she demurely said.

“We did, thank you,” Twilight replied.

The servant stepped away from the tray and curtsied. “Please let us know if you need anything else.”

“Will do,” Twilight said with a nod. The mare strolled out, pulling the door shut behind her. “I wasn’t expecting pony servants this far northwest.”

“You guys do get around. Truth be told, I’m surprised we didn’t bump into any pony slaves in the spider cities. I figured they’d be hot commodities.”

“Or delicacies.”

“Either or. Still, we did only see a fraction of them. I’m not looking forward to going back.”

She pulled away to stare at me in surprise. “Why would you ever go back?!”

“We have unfinished business with Arachne. We either need to make sure she works with us… or make sure she’s put down.”

“...Nav, no. No way! We can’t kill that thing! It’s way too powerful!”

“We might not have to,” I replied with a grin. “If we give her Athena’s book, I bet she’ll go in there to confront her. If we follow her in, we can help Athena and Hera fight her.”

“I think you’re severely overstating our abilities against that thing.”

“I need to ask Athena a question when we get back. If runes can transport golems across, could they also transfer elementals across?”

That made her pause. “Huh. That is an interesting question. I suppose that could help tip the scales. Another interesting question… Can elementals make their own runes? If they could find a few books, they could instantly learn how to make incredibly powerful golems.”

“And if they could study Athena’s golems, they could perfectly duplicate them. But I don’t think Athena would be good with that. The elementals didn’t earn the right to that knowledge.”

“...True. Still, it’s worth asking.”

Aqua giggled. “One good look at those golems and any one of us could duplicate them perfectly. I like this little idea, Navarone. You might have just given me an army.”

Yeah, yeah, stop sucking your own dick. “Maybe,” I replied with a shrug. “But whatever. Now let’s see what they actually brought us.”

I sat up as she floated everything on the cart over to us. The bed was still fairly neat, so she just placed it all across the lower half. There were only two plates and some very nice bronze ware, but nothing to drink. Not a promising start.

She lifted the top of the one in front of her and I pulled up mine. She got freshly baked cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins. I got… green eggs and ham.

“God. Fucking. Dammit,” I sighed, tossing the top of the platter away.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked. “Oh, you’ve probably never seen those eggs before, huh? They’re young roc eggs. The older ones are huge and could feed a whole family. I’ve never tried them, but I’ve heard they’re highly regarded up here.”

“...I guess you guys don’t have a pony Dr. Seuss? Never heard of Green Eggs and Ham?”

She blinked a few times before asking, “You mean Green Eggs and Yam?”

“Well, that’s not the human version. Point is, this makes it official: Worst sub-vacation ever. Wanna wake Gilda up and get the fuck outta here before it gets worse?”

“You’re so pessimistic. Take this as a good sign, Nav! Green Eggs and Yam is a great poem. I’m sure you have all kinds of memories about it. The day can always get better. Remember, you still get to go after the princess!”

I sighed and said, “True, I guess. Fuck it, I might as well defy a trope and taste a forbidden legend.”

“That’s the spirit! Now while you attend to that, I believe some of these muffins are calling for me.”

“You might be schizophrenic. Consider getting help.” She pushed me, then shoved an entire muffin into her mouth. It was honestly kinda sexy.

Watching her got old really quickly, so I finally grabbed my plate and one of the forks and pulled it closer. “Well, here we go,” I sighed.

It was actually really fucking good. That dude in the poem was a fool to pass up on it.

Or maybe a vegan, I guess.

“Is there a difference?” Aqua asked.

No comment.

“So what did you think?” Twilight asked when she had finished stuffing her face.

That girl really needs to learn to take smaller bites. “You might be right, Twiggles. Maybe this day will get better.”

“Then do you wanna eat me out?” she asked. “I bet smelling like a mare will kick Gilda’s heat into overdrive.”

“Sounds good to me. Try to get as much fluid as possible onto my blouse.

“Oooh, I have a fun idea. It’ll be a surprise, but I bet you’ll love it. Now then…” Her horn lit up and all the bullshit flew back over to the cart and the lock on the door clicked. “Get to it!”

I started by kissing her face so I could get the leftover sugar off of it. I guess she also needs to learn how to use napkins. Once I got all the crumbs, I swooped in for the real prize: Her neck. She moaned softly as I started trailing down her belly.

When we were finished, I shivered as she slid my soaked panties back up my legs with magic. “That should do it,” she sighed.

“It feels gross.”

“Are you gonna keep them on?” she asked.

I thought for a few seconds before sighing and saying, “Yes. I know it actually will drive her wild. Though as soon as I get her hooked, we’re going into a spring so I can get clean. This is seriously gross.”

She giggled and kissed me. When she pulled back, she said, “I think it’s sexy! It’s like marking my territory. Anyone who wants to claim you knows they’ll have to get my permission!”

“I… don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Just let me have this! It’s… really doing it for me…”

I rolled my eyes. “Thank you for marking your territory, mistress. I would hate to be used without your permission!”

One of her hooves went between her legs. I decided to leave her to it and got up to wash my hands and face. Before I could get to the bathroom, someone knocked on the door. We both froze.

After a few seconds of panicking, Twilight tossed a blanket over herself. I mentally said fuck it and opened the door.

It was finally the fucking princess. “Good morning, Navarone.” She froze and sniffed the air, then blinked. “U-um. Oh, I see you’ve already eaten!”

“Oh, this?” I asked, rubbing at my neck. Twilight’s juices were still kinda noticeable. “Yeah, she got frisky.” Gilda’s face got bright red immediately and Twilight giggled. “Sorry, I was about to wash it off when you came by. You wanna come in?”

“I… I…” She sniffed the air again and then shivered. “...Yes.”

I stepped aside so she could walk in. The guard was trying his hardest not to laugh. I shot him a finger pistol before pushing the door shut. Once it clicked, I turned and said, “We have unfinished business, princess.”

“I… I was…”

“Twiggles is down to watch. You wanna do it now or later?”

That made Twilight giggle in glee. “You’re right, Navi! She is adorable when she’s flustered! I can’t wait to watch her face as you play with her!”

Maybe we’re being too mean. I finally patted her on the back. “I’ll give you a pass for now. But we’re gonna discuss this later.”

“She… she is… she’s okay with this?!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Hell, she might be interested in joining. I promise she’ll teach you a whole new respect for magic.”

“Maybe if you ask nicely,” Twilight replied.

“But anyway, you wanna talk about why you dragged us here?”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I wanted to talk about before you… you got perverted!”

“Oh. Why didn’t you just say so?”

“You wouldn’t let me!”

“Shoulda tried harder. So, let’s discuss it. Why are we here?”

She sighed and hung her head. “I do not own many properties. This is one of the few. This place is my hidden mountain sanctuary, an old monastery of knowledge. Most of the books here are very old and very rare. More are always being translated and copied by the scribes.”

“Magic could speed that up greatly,” Twilight said. “There’s a spell to create a copy of a book in one language into a book of another.”

“That’s exactly what I told them. They told me to stop defying the old ways.”

“Of course they did,” Twilight sighed.

“So that’s where we are,” I said. “Now why are we here?”

“To hide from assassins while an investigation is being conducted,” Gilda replied.

“That’s why you are here. What about me and Twilight?”

“As a reward, of course,” she replied. “I’m grateful to the one who saved my life, so I brought you to my private hot springs. I hope you enjoy… all of its bounties.”

“I plan on it. So what’s our next step, Gilda?”

“The guard said you asked for a map, but they couldn’t find one. If you’d like, I can give you a tour. It shouldn’t take long. You might appreciate the views.”

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be down,” I said.

“I’m also interested,” Twilight added. “This place sounds very interesting.”

“Then I shall go and get ready. Meet me downstairs.”

“You got it,” I said with a nod.

Gilda finally walked out, leaving me and Twilight to sigh in relief.

“That went better than I was expecting,” Twilight finally said.

“Would you actually be interested in joining us?”

“Eh, I’ll think about it. I doubt she would be, though.” She finally tossed the blanket off and stretched. “Now hurry up and get clean so we can get out of here.”

She surely didn’t have to tell me twice. I rapidly cleansed my flesh prison and returned to the room. “Are you not gonna clean up?” I asked.

“I got the worst of it with magic. Of course, I don’t really mind smelling like a mare in heat, since I kinda am a mare in heat. You ready?”

“Sure. Let’s ditch this joint.”

“Define that one.”

“Let’s go.”

She slapped a hoof on the floor. “Come on, Nav! What does it mean?”

“It means let’s go.”

She blinked a few times. “...Oh. Uh… Lead the way, honey!”

Aqua giggled as I started walking out. “She just wants to peek up your skirt. The tail gives her a perfect angle.”

I’m not surprised in the slightest.

The guard was gone now, so Twilight and I finally left the short hall. That put us in a much longer hall. One side ended in a window while the other side appeared to end in stairs, so we went that way. Sure enough, we were able to get down to the ground floor from there, where we found Gilda and two guards waiting on us.

“One of these guards will be assigned to you two for the duration of your stay,” Gilda said.

“That’s really not necessary,” I immediately replied.

“They aren’t for your protection,” she shot back. “The locals don’t like strangers, especially if they aren’t griffins. If they see you without an escort, they might try to chase you out. I don’t particularly want to pay for their medical bills.”

“Fair enough. Twilight calls dibs on the cute one.”

The two guards shared a look while Gilda rolled her eyes. “Fine, she can have him. Now, are you sure you two want to go on the tour like that? The cold doesn’t bother us that much, but you two might not like it.”

“We’ll be fine,” Twilight said. “I happen to have a spell for that.”

“...That shouldn’t be surprising. Very well then, come along.”

She led the rest of the way through the very sparsely decorated manor. Before she could get to the door, one of the guards jumped in front of her and opened it for her. The other stepped out to look around. When he deemed it clear, Gilda rolled her eyes and walked out into the snow. Twilight and I joined her, but we both stopped in our tracks when we saw the view before us.

“That is… much better looking during day,” Twilight whispered.

The manor was at the end of a very long and fairly narrow valley. A waterfall was pouring down off the cliff behind the manor, leading up to a river that snaked all the way through the valley. One side of the valley was a mostly sheer rock wall that was coated almost entirely in ice. The other side was a fairly steep incline covered in pine trees. A short road led from the fairly boring manor to a stone building that seemed like it was about to fall down. At one point, it had obviously been beautiful, but those days were long gone. A few griffin and pony servants were doing various chores around it, though none were bothering to repair the building’s damage.

A horrific gust of freezing wind finally hit us, making me hiss through my teeth and instantly start shaking.

Twilight’s horn lit up and it instantly got warm. “Sorry, I got distracted by the view.”

“If I get a cold, you better tend to me in a nurse outfit.”

“Deal.”

When Gilda decided we were done bantering, she finally said, “Not many people know of this valley, Nav. Fewer still have seen it. Its location in the valley means it only gets a few hours of sun a day. When the sun goes over the cliff, it is once more wreathed in shadows.”

“Then I might need some magical energy. I don’t do well without light.”

“So I have heard,” Gilda said. “If you must sleep, you must sleep. I would not feel right as a host if I forced my guest to stay awake.”

“It’s not a problem. We do it all the time,” I said.

“It only backfired once,” Twilight said. “And that was when Nav was tweaking in the haunted human bunker that was trying its hardest to kill her.”

“Please don’t bring that up,” I immediately replied. She bowed her head.

Gilda’s beak seemed to set. “...I urge you to sleep when you need to sleep, Nav. I’m sure after all your time as a noble lady, you need a chance to relax. I hope this trip will help with that.”

“Fine. I’ll need time to contact everyone in Canterlot and make sure things are proceeding as planned.”

“What are said plans?” Gilda asked.

“My ship is supposed to join us in Gryphus tomorrow. We’ll all get together and discuss everything we’ve learned. Then we’ll plan our attack. We’ll give everyone a day to prepare and then go the next morning.”

“Sounds good to me,” she replied.

“Are you sure this is worth it?” Twilight asked. “I feel like there’s something you aren’t telling everyone.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said. “I have plenty of good reasons to go there. Think of what kind of information we might find.”

“And tons of horrible reasons not to go! That place isn’t going to be easy, Nav. Ponies might die. I know you want this, but are you really sure it might be worth it? What do you think could possibly be there after so long?”

“The dream machine, for starters,” I said. “If that’s survived after so long, there’s gotta be more. And if there’s information about that place, someone’s had to have made it inside. It can be done.”

“...You always have a hidden angle,” Twilight said. “Especially when you push something this hard.”

“Fine. I’m hoping for answers.”

“To what?” Gilda asked.

“Questions I asked when I went back in time. Some kind of direction or instructions from the old humans. Anything we can possibly use to help us. One way or another, if there’s that many things guarding it, there has to be something valuable inside!”

“That’s a lot of assumptions,” Twilight replied. “It could just be a home to insane monsters. Do you have some concrete knowledge of something there?”

“Well, you know how the guy who gave me that laptop was me, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, you mentioned that.”

“Wait, what?” Gilda butted in.

“Oh, the chaotic demon who destroyed my entire race and every race since created me. When I went back in time, I met the original, the me I would have been if Discord hadn’t corrupted me into the monster you see before you now.” The look on her face was somewhat unusual. “Anyway, the other me is the one who gave me the laptop. He was the head scientist at the particular bunker we’re going to. I’m hoping he found a way to leave me a message or some kind of useful stuff. I’d hate to have gotten all this way only to find no direction from that asshole.”

One of the guards whispered something to the other and they both started snickering. Gilda glared daggers at them, making them both shut the fuck up and stand at attention. When they were done, she turned back my way with a smile. “That makes sense, Nav. I hope we find what you’re looking for.”

The guards both blinked and one cleared his throat. “...We, princess?”

“Congratulations, you can listen when it suits you.” She looked back at us. “I’m sure you can see the monastery building for yourself. Once upon a time, it was famous for the works it produced. With the invention of printing presses, it fell into obscurity until it no longer appeared on maps. The griffins here were forgotten by most… except for royalty.”

“How did you come to own it?” Twilight asked.

“Before I met Nav, my pursuit of knowledge led me many places. Hoping to sate this desire, my father pointed me here. I offered to hire assistants and guards for the scholars and they allow me to keep a residence here and peruse the stacks at my leisure.”

“Seems fair,” I said with a shrug. “I bet the guards hate it.”

“Then they should not have become guards,” she replied. “There are perks to working here. They are free to hunt all they want off duty, they’re allowed to read any of the books they desire, they can use the springs freely, and they don’t even have to pay for food or lodging.”

“In the middle of absolute fucking nowhere,” I replied. “And worse yet, no bitches to go after. These guys are in heat with only coworkers around. I bet they’re miserable.”

One of them cleared his throat and looked away. “That outfit is cruel, my lady.” The other leered at me. I rewarded his courage with a giggle and a deep curtsy. Gilda choked, but the guard whistled. I dropped it before his buddy could get a peek.

“You’ll live,” I sweetly replied. “So why is this place so hard to get to?”

“Because Celestia does not like our historical records. We hide them to make it harder for her.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “I’m Princess Celestia’s personal student.”

“You are Navarone’s ‘marefriend’,” Gilda replied, complete with air quotes. “You won’t tell Celestia a thing.”

“That’s true,” I said. “She won’t. Twiley will behave.”

“Sure will,” Twiggles replied with a nod. “I just thought I should inform you, in case you didn’t realize.”

“Congratulations. Do you enjoy serving that tyrant?”

Twilight sighed and looked away. “I used to.”

“Yeah, I ruin everything,” I said, tousling her braided mane. “So, you wanna continue with the tour? Maybe these two will get lucky and get some upskirt shots.”

“Must you be so shameless?” Gilda sighed.

“What? I’m just teasing them. I prefer a feminine touch. I just like teasing the fuck out of people.”

The guard who got the view clutched at his chest and looked down. “Why must the world be so cruel?” he whispered.

Gilda sniffed angrily and said, “Come along, then. There is not much to show.” She led the way to the larger building. The guards trailed behind her and Twilight and I picked up the rear. The servants paid us no mind as we walked through one of the many doors.

The first thing I noticed was the smell of old paper. It was faint at first, but when the door swung shut behind me, it kicked in even harder. We entered the building at a hallway and Gilda was already heading into another room, so Twilight and I hastily followed.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, what we stepped into was a room very full of books. They had all been crammed onto the shelves so tightly that it looked like trying to pull a single one out would make the rest go flying. The room wasn’t all that large, but there were probably hundreds of books in it. There were no decorations or any furniture other than shelves.

“This building is full of rooms like this,” Gilda said. “This room in particular is just used for storage.”

“How many books are here, do you think?” Twilight asked.

“Thousands. I could get the exact number later, if you would like.”

“That’s a lot of books,” I said. “How much knowledge, though?”

“Books are knowledge,” Twilight said.

“Don’t be dumb, you’re better than that,” I shot back. She lifted an eyebrow. “Books are paper. Any idiot can put enough words together to get published. For every good history book, you have tons of mindless poetry. For every solid science book, you have hoards of fantasy novels. How much actual knowledge is here?”

“Not enough,” Gilda very firmly said. “Which is what led me to you.”

“What led you to Nav?” Twilight asked. “Was it something in particular you sought?”

“My father introduced us, of course. I paid Nav no mind the first time he was in our palace, though he apparently made quite the impression upon Bloodbeak.”

Twilight massaged at one of her temples. “Shining Armor had quite a lot to say about how Nav conducted himself on that trip…”

“It was a fun one,” I said with a shrug. “You know, minus the assassins. What trip to Gryphus is complete without those?”

One of the guards sighed and looked away. “Please don’t think of our capital city that way, my lady…”

“I’ve been there three times. I’ve run into assassins on the majority of those trips. I’m sorry dude, but that’s how it is.”

“After enough time, my father decided to introduce us,” Gilda continued. “This was at one of Celestia’s stupid Galas. Nav ended up getting stabbed in the back after he poisoned all the guards.”

“Hey, that is not exactly what happened!” I said.

“It’s very close to what happened,” Twilight said. “You got Pinkie to dose the Gala with that drug of yours, Nav. Then Blueblood… kinda stabbed you in the back. I’m sure the guards would have been happy to arrest him as soon as they saw him, if they hadn’t been dosed out of their minds.”

“And I finally got just a glimpse at the promised land,” Gilda said. “This room… No, this entire building is nothing compared to what is on that device you own, Nav.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty neat,” I said. I mostly use it for music and games, though. “So what else is going on here? Or is it just more rooms of books?”

“It’s mostly rooms of books,” one of the guards sighed.

“...Yes, that’s mostly it,” Gilda said. “I’m sorry that you don’t find our gathering of knowledge more appealing.”

“Yeah, well, you know. Do we get to meet the guy in charge?”

“...Twilight may,” Gilda slowly said.

“And I may… not?” I just as slowly asked.

Gilda seemed unsure for just a moment before nodding. “That is correct. You may not.”

“Why?” Twilight asked before I could.

“Because I don’t want to be embarrassed,” Gilda said. “He hates outsiders to begin with. If I bring something that looks like Nav to him, he might honestly have a heart attack.”

“I’ll definitely pass,” I said. “I’ve met enough gung-ho old-school racists.”

“It’s not so much that…” Gilda awkwardly said, rubbing her neck.

One of the guards cleared his throat. “Lady Navarone, you are… a one of a kind mythological creature, are you not?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“The head of this order used to hunt beings like you for sport. Princess Gilda is likely worried this would upset you.”

“Were they intelligent?”

“They were not,” Gilda immediately replied.

“Then I don’t give a fuck. Is this guy an asshole?”

“Oh, absolutely,” the guard said. “I hate his guts.”

“Then I don’t wanna meet him.”

“Good,” Gilda said. “If he didn’t have a heart attack after meeting you, he might try to kill you.”

“I’m wearing a dress!”

She shrugged. “I’m sure he’d let you take it off first, if you ask. He was supposed to be quite the gentleman, once.”

“Tch, whatever. So the books here are pretty meh, the people are for the most part meh, the lodgings are decidedly meh, and the landscape is apparently middle of fucking nowhere. Is there anything else in this little hamlet of mehdiocrity you want to show us, or can we just find our way to the hot springs?”

“...Hamlet of mehdiocrity?” Twilight slowly asked.

“I dunno, it sounded good.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well I think I would be happy to poke through a few books. I might see if the elder is around, as well. The guards can show me the rest if you want, Princess. That way, you can show Nav the springs.”

“...If she is going to be so dismissive of my offerings, perhaps that is for the best. Guards, attend to Twilight. Nav and I will continue alone.”

Neither of the guards seemed to be sure if she actually meant for them to both stay. Twilight helped by grabbing them both by the talons and dragging them out with magic while starting to prattle on about who knows what. She led the poor defeated guys away while Gilda and I stayed in place.

“...I wasn’t trying to be mean or dismissive,” I said when we were finally alone.

“The princess of one of the most powerful nations on the planet just showed you one of her most prized estates. You called it a hamlet of mehdiocrity.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I honestly don’t think you can get more mean or dismissive if you tried.”

That made Aqua giggle unpleasantly. “You really are such a brat, my little cherry blossom.”

“Yeah, well, to be fair, the princess of one of the most powerful nations on the planet just so happened to have fucking kidnapped me.”

That just made Gilda roll her eyes. “Don’t you even get me started, missy!”

“Fine. Are we actually private yet?”

“Come with me.” She finally led me out of the book room and back into the hall. Twilight and the guards were nowhere to be seen. Gilda walked back over to the door we had originally entered from. “I hope Twilight’s spell is still working.”

“It… is not,” I said as I eyed the bleak and snowy outdoors. My body was not looking forward to it.

“You have two choices,” Gilda said. “You can wait for Twilight to finish up or you follow me to my private hot springs.”

That wasn’t a choice at all. I walked out into the snowy hellscape without a backwards glance. I’m sure the servants were probably mad that I didn’t close the door and probably let snow get in, but fuck those guys.

“So how far away is this place?” I asked, each word puffing up.

“A short hike,” she replied, pointing to the far canyon wall. “There is a crevasse that leads to the springs. It’s a shorter flight, if you are so inclined.”

“...Would you carry me?”

“I am a princess!” I lifted an eyebrow. “So no, I wouldn’t carry you.”

I sighed exasperatedly and started walking. She giggled and joined me, pressing her warm body against my freezing legs. “It’s cold as shit out here.”

“You should have worn warmer clothing.”

“I didn’t have a chance to pack and Twilight didn’t bring any.”

“Then perhaps thinking about what you’ll be doing to me soon will put some fire in your blood.”

God dammit, it’s so fucking cold… I did my best to wrap my wings around my shoulders, but they weren’t all that maneuverable. Aqua, you wanna maybe help out here?

“The only way I could warm you up is by deadening your nerves, which is considerably less healthy. The other option is letting me take over until you get to your destination.”

I continued muttering miserably as we slowly got closer to the huge wall and the crevasse I could just barely see. Thankfully, the trail was fairly well-worn, so we didn’t have to worry about any hidden snowy pitfalls. Soon enough, the two of us stood before the tall, thin crack in the wall.

“We have not made many modifications to the cave,” she said as we started walking in. It was still ungodly cold, but getting away from the wind was nice. After a few meters, I could begin feeling heat emanating from further within. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I noticed a few old cave drawings. Once we go to the first corner, we found a lamp hung on one of the walls. There were others dotted further in.

“How deep does this place go?” I asked.

“Very. Most of it is underwater.” When she said that, I finally started hearing some gentle splashing up ahead. “We haven’t explored all of it yet, I’m afraid, but there doesn’t appear to be anything dangerous within.”

Finally, we got to the open area. The little cavern we were in honestly wasn’t that comfortable and my head was almost touching the roof, but the inky black, steaming pond of water seemed interesting. A few griffins were either swimming or bathing in it, but they didn’t bother us.

“This is the main spring,” Gilda said.

I leaned down and palmed some of the water. It felt very pleasantly warm. The water itself was perfectly clear, but for some reason, it looked black from the outside. “It’s definitely warm. Where’s the heat coming from?”

“We aren’t sure.”

I waited for more, but after a few seconds, she didn’t continue. “Wait… You don’t know why the water is hot?”

“Um. Should we?”

Oh dear… “Well, it kinda matters,” I replied. “It’s the difference between a nice geothermal vent versus some kind of horrific radiation or worse, magic.”

“...Um.”

“Because if this is a magic spring of some kind, you could make a lot more money advertising it like that.”

“What do you think is causing the heat?” she finally asked.

“Probably some kind of geothermal vent, if I had to guess. If that’s the case, you could tap into it for easy electricity.”

“I could do what now?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“No! How can I harness the power here, Nav?”

“You don’t even know what the power here is! For all you know, it could be a ring somebody dropped at the bottom of this underground lake.”

“...I guarantee you there is not a ring at the bottom of some underground lake that is causing this.”

“That was just an example. The point is, you don’t even know what’s causing this heat. Honestly, I’m not sure I want to get in until I find out where it’s coming from.”

“Griffins have been doing it for generations, Nav,” she said. “The water isn’t gonna bite. Would you like to partake in it or not?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Strip.” She didn’t have to tell me twice. That got the attention of everybody else, but no one actually said anything as I got nude. “...You’re bleeding,” she finally said.

“This is a normal human thing.”

“Ah, you are also in heat? Dogs are similar.”

“I’m not and please drop it. Can we finally go for a swim now?”

“Don’t let me stop you. Getting to our next destination actually will require swimming, though. I hope you can hold your breath.”

She slid into the water before continuing, so I decided to finally ease in as well. I wanted to just mindlessly jump in, but the stupidly huge tail combined with the low ceiling prevented me from having fun.

“This water is safe,” Aqua said. “I do not know about the heat source, though.”

“Has the hamlet of mehdiocrity gained any points?” Gilda asked as we let our bodies luxuriate.

“I’m not gonna live that down, huh?”

“I’m gonna have it engraved here somewhere as an official quote from Lady Navarone of Equestria.”

“Well, the answer is yes. This water is totes amazeballs.”

“Which means what, exactly?”

“Totally amazing.” She rolled her eyes. “So you said we’re going further in?”

“We are. Follow me.” She slowly paddled over to one of the sides of the cavern. Several lamps were put over one specific area.

Aqua let me follow her for about a meter before she took over and put my stupid tail to good use. “If you have these things, you need to learn to use them.”

When the two of us got to the place with the lamps, Gilda turned to me. “We will be going underwater from here. There are fairly frequent pockets of air, but we will not be going far.”

“Can I leave my eyes open?”

“No. You will have to hold my talon.”

“She’s lying,” Aqua replied. “She just wants to hold your hand.”

“Fine with me,” I said, holding up my left one for her. “Is there also a rope?”

“Yes. I will guide you to it, then we will both follow it.” She finally grabbed my hand with a grin. “Close your eyes, Nav.” As soon as I did, she very softly and quickly pecked me on the lips. “Now take a deep breath!”

Before I had a chance to do anything, she pulled me underwater. Honestly, it would have been easy enough for her to just drag me around like a doll, but I still grabbed the rope as soon as I could. She didn’t let go of my other hand, so I allowed her to have that privilege.

“It sure is a good thing you can breathe underwater, huh?” Aqua asked as she forced me to breathe in. It hurt like a motherfucker as my lungs adjusted, but she really and truly doesn’t give a fuck about me anyway, so I guess it’s whatever. “Is ignoring me what you’re doing now, hm?” she sweetly asked.

I don’t see any reason to reply when you can read my mind. The less I deal with you the better.

“Well that just hurts, Navi! Hmmm… Tell you what, from now on, you get to reply to me all the time! Just think of all the specialized attention I’m giving you, my pretty little cherry blossom!” She giggled and wrapped me in her disgusting and fake watery embrace. Thankfully, I barely felt it around the wonderful hot spring.

After a few twists and turns, Gilda and I finally emerged. She gasped for breath while I readjusted to breathing air. This new chamber was lit by some manner of bioluminescent moss that grew along the walls and floor. Honestly, the place looked nice and cozy.

“This is my private chamber,” Gilda said. “None may come here without my permission.” Her voice echoed strangely in the cavern and the lapping of the waves on the rocks was disorienting. Still, it felt very comfortable.

“You need a minibar in here,” I said. “So now you have me all to yourself. No more guards, no more assassins, no more Twilight… I’m quite curious what you think is going to happen next.”

“You are going to finish what you started last night,” she replied. “Before you let that assassin scare you off!”

“I didn’t let the assassin scare me away,” I said. “I left because there was no way we could do anything with your bitchy maid and the guards all up in our grill. Honestly, I thought you’d be more grateful.”

“For what?! Leaving me alone to deal with Matilda? Leaving it up to me to explain to my father why I ordered the guards away?! Or for dragging you to my private hot springs so we could relax after that hellacious experience and actually spend some time together?”

“I meant the part where I saved your life against an assassin, actually. It wasn’t my fault you ordered the guards away and it certainly isn’t my responsibility to handle your staff for you.”

She crossed her front legs and spun away. “Tch, fine! Thanks for saving my life, Nav. There, happy?!”

“A little.” I finally swam over to the edge of the springs and pulled myself out. “So what else is in here?”

“Very little,” she sullenly replied. “I do not spend much time here.”

“Why not?” I asked. “If I had a badass hidden spring I could go to whenever I want, I’d probably never leave.”

“Because I am a princess,” she said, finally turning back toward me. “Something you seem to keep forgetting, given the complete lack of respect.”

“Sorry, royal blood doesn’t mean much to me,” I replied with a shrug.

“Not after your people murdered their own royalty, correct?”

“You got it.” I finally started poking around the little room. Honestly, there really wasn’t all that much space in her private spring. After a few seconds of looking, I decided that there wasn’t much to see and slid right back into the comfortably warm water.

“The history of your kind seems steeped in violence and horror.”

“Whose history isn’t?” I asked. “How many wars have your people been in? How many has Celestia dealt with? Honestly, after a few conversations with her, it feels that the ponies might be just about as bad as we were, in some aspects. You just don’t think about it as much because so much of history has been censored.”

“...Hm. I suppose.”

“Besides, it’s all Discord’s fault in the end. Everything that dickwad touches turns to shit.”

Aqua giggled and whispered, “He’s touched you too, Navi!”

“And again you mention this Discord.”

“Yep, the demon of chaos who drove humanity extinct, but not before we could set the stage for the next group of races to take over. Discord survived our destruction and hounded our creations ever since. The last time he reared his head was just over six thousand years ago, when he completely eradicated the alicorn kingdom. He’s free now and is working to unknown ends.”

“Hm. Interesting.”

“Yeah, kinda. I’m hoping we get more info on him at the bunker.”

She grinned. “Ah, yes, the bunker. Twilight mentioned that you might have an ulterior motive for going. Well, it’s just the two of us here now, Nav. Why do you really want to go?”

“Believe it or not, I gave you the reason earlier: I’m expecting answers. When I went back in time, I told the original me that the bunker still existed in our time. I think he found a way to hide a message there and then placed a gene into the new races he created that only activated in a certain subset of the population. Once it activated, they were drawn to the bunker to defend it. That way, only someone who has a really good reason would ever actually try to break in. This would be his only way to leave me a message through time.”

For some reason, that seemed to confuse her. “How could that be possible?”

“Hell if I know. The dude created all life as we know it. There’s no telling what kind of easter eggs you guys could have hidden in your DNA. That’s the only reason I could possibly think of for so many people of so many various races to congregate there. It’s also possible that there’s some kind of technology there that attracts certain people. I don’t really guess it matters in the end, but I’m confident that we’ll find some kind of message there.”

“Hopefully. And if nothing else, we will finally put a great mystery to rest.”

“Oh, and have you actually told anyone that you’ll be going with me? Those guards seemed surprised.”

“Of course not,” she immediately replied. “They would all try to forbid it. This assassin actually gave me the perfect excuse. I’ll tell them I’m going on a short trip with you to keep me safe while they continue investigating.”

“That works for me,” I said with a nod. “Just remember that I am in charge once we get on the ship.”

“I am aware,” she replied. “I’ve been interested in seeing you in action for a while. I trust I will be assigned adequate protection?”

“You will. The goal will obviously be to keep you out of danger entirely, but when that isn’t possible, you’ll be fine.”

“Good. I will be providing some support, but not much. I hired a thief who managed to break in, I found a few very rare books about the area, and if you say the word, I can hire mercenaries to go with us.”

“We’ll decide that after we talk things over with the thief. I’d also like to talk to your oldest brother tomorrow, if possible. I was planning on doing that today before I was abducted.”

“That should be doable,” she said. “After the latest attempt on my life, I am more worried than ever about our father’s death…”

“So am I,” I sighed. “Some of the things I’ve heard griffins saying in the festival this week has me concerned. Half of them think Celestia is behind the government changes and most of them think the king gave up his power as a sign of laziness instead of to increase the power of the people.”

“...I see. What have you heard of us, his children?”

“Mostly bad. The gist I got is that they were all upset that very few of you were partaking in the festival. Especially you, since you’re still unwed. Basically, they wanted you to be out there hoing it up.”

“...I am no farmer peasant,” she slowly replied. “What do they expect me to hoe?”

“Sorry, that’s slang for being a massive slut. They wanted you to be out there picking up dudes.”

“Forgive me for having some self-respect,” she snarkily said. “I see no need to prowl the streets like an animal in heat just because that is what my body craves. I can handle my affairs much more discreetly, thank you very much!”

“Hey, that wasn’t me saying it. That’s just the plight of the common man. Of course, most of them also seem to dislike that you’re spending all your time making stuff instead of acting like a proper griffin princess. You have to find your place, Gilda,” I said. “I know you hate to hear it, but you have to find a way to connect with your people.”

“Technology is that way, Nav! They just can’t understand how important it is!”

I booped her on the beak. For some reason, that made her look extremely affronted. “You said it yourself, Gilda: Your place as a princess is to lead your people. It is your job to make them understand.”

She scoffed. “So you suggest I preach the merits of technology in the streets?”

“Why not form an academy?” That stopped her for a second. “Matilda said she found someone who was interested in working with you. I bet there are others. You could get them all together and form a royal academy.”

“...You want me to become a teacher?”

“Not quite,” I said. “Academies can host master researchers or craftsmen. Give them the designs I gave you, give them a lot of gold, and watch the fireworks fly. The students can work as apprentices to the masters. In time, you could also do formal classes with an actual curriculum.”

One of her talons started slowly stroking the feathers around her chin. “That is… interesting. I could gain several valuable research partners.”

“Yep. If you’re generous enough with your research grants and funding, it shouldn’t be hard to attract several very skilled craftsmen and inventors. And if you want to add a twist, you can add a true magic curriculum using the books I gave your father.”

Her eyes beat upon mine for several painful seconds before she slowly asked, “What books?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you? Huh, weird. I gave your dad a bunch of books about several extremely important historical events that Celestia and Moonbeam purposefully censored. One of those is a book about true magic written by a griffin. It is magic that any race could perform. Celestia had it erased from history, but I found a copy of it, along with proof that Celestia did it on purpose.”

“Then that shall be our prized curriculum: The revival of true magic. I know just where to begin looking for recruits. I shall find a place to put my academy and begin construction post-haste.”

I sighed in relief and leaned back against one of the edges. That’ll get Bloodbeak off my back, at least. “Have fun with that. I’m gonna chill here for a while.”

She blinked. “Oh, sorry. Post-haste starting when we get back. I’m still in time-out.”

“Why?” I asked. “You did nothing wrong.”

“I sent away all the guards, including Matilda,” she sighed. “I should never have relied on any outsider, even a hero such as yourself, to fight a dangerous assassin for me. Part of this trip is supposed to be an apology to you.”

“I’m your friend, Gilda. I was happy to be there for you. And if you are ever in danger, let me know immediately. I’ll help you settle things quickly.”

“That sounds comfortingly ominous. Can I expect good things?”

I grinned. “I’ll break my one rule. I could quickly get a weapons manufacturing plant going. They’d be crude at first, but we could get things going almost immediately.”

One of her talons snatched one of my hands and she pulled me closer. “Give me this technology, Navarone,” she calmly said. “You and I both know there will be a coup soon. The more time I have to prepare and the more power I can show when it happens, the sooner we can curtail it. If we can get things going as quickly as you promise, I might be able to head things off immediately.”

I sighed. Aqua, thoughts? I promise to consider your opinion.

“That sounds promising. I advise you do it. I also suggest you invite her to Canterlot with you when you get back from the bunker. Have her talk to Celestia about working with Flim and Flam and with Chrysalis about getting some of her researchers as a show of solidarity. If this is a multi-racial effort, it will help keep technology levels among the three groups consistent.”

“I have an idea,” I said. “You should work with Moonie and Celestia.”

“Absolutely not,” she very coldly replied. “Griffin technology is ours!”

“That’s dumb,” I said. “Stop thinking like a bigoted nationalist. There is a worldwide threat to everything. Its name is Discord. We have to work together and coordinate everything.”

“And so I must work with those disgusting bugs?” she asked. “Can any of those things even think? I thought they all just mimicked us or something.”

“You must know your enemy if you are to fight them,” I said. “Changelings have three classes. There are the drones, which have no individual will. They live very simple lives. Wake up, eat enough to subsist, work, eat just enough to subsist again, return home, settle down for the night with their little nest unit.”

“That sounds… eerily similar,” she slowly said.

“Your common working man. Someone who hunts, farms, mines, builds, or whatever. They do mindless manual labor and don’t have the ability to dislike it. They are completely loyal and will follow whatever order is given to them by a ranking changeling, even it if will obviously lead to their demise.”

“Very dangerous, when used correctly. Yet utterly helpless if disorganized.”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “The second class are the sentients. They have fairly standard intelligence and are usually placed in charge of small groups of drones. They direct most work efforts and keep all the drones in line.”

“So the middle class,” she said with a nod. “They have some concept of individuality, but can’t really think for themselves.”

“Sho nuff. They are led by the intelligentsia, or the sapients. These guys are just as intelligent as any other race. Several of them are geniuses. In fact, I actually think I know of one you might like. She was making a train with magic and technology. Last I heard, it was in the prototype phase. She might love to demo it for you.”

“...An intelligent female changeling,” she slowly said. “That’ll be the day! Very well, Navarone. If what you say is true and these bugs have developed a train off what you have shown them combined with their own ingenuity, I will allow them into my academy.”

“Cool. And Celestia’s engineers already built a very basic car and created the device that allowed them to run the tracks to the Crystal Empire. Their work is already improving lives in Equestria.”

“...Fine,” she said. “I will speak to both of them. Perhaps Chrysalis will hear me out. I just hope she does not try to steal all of my plans!”

“Moonie will behave,” I replied, finally reclaiming my arm. “You wanna just stop being coy and cuddle?” Her face turned bright red and both of her wings shot out. “We both know it’s going there and the sooner it happens, the longer we can enjoy it.”

“I… I don’t… You…” I finally pushed my way across the water and pressed my hands against the edges on both sides of her, preventing her from escaping. “Tha… Wha…”

“Isn’t that better?” I sweetly asked. Her face was nice and close to mine and her blush was just so cute. “I’m gonna enjoy picking up where we left off, Gilda…”

“...Nav,” she whispered, leaning in.

And now you’re mine. I met her kiss and gently grabbed one of her cheeks with a hand. She surrendered completely to my touch and moaned into my mouth as the hand slipped down to her belly.

I pulled back with a smirk. “Well lookie there. The little princess is moaning like an animal in heat. How about that?”

“N-Nav!”

I replied by rubbing her belly softly, making her whimper in delight. “What’s that? I think you like my belly rubs, don’t you?”

The blush across her face seemed to spread all the way down her to her chest and she looked away. “I… I mean…”

“You what?” I replied, pulling my hand away. “Did you have something to say?”

“Please… P-please r-rub my belly, N-Nav…”

“As you wish, princess,” I said with a smug grin. One of my hands started caressing her soft and vulnerable tummy. “I bet there’s something else you want, huh?” I asked as my fingers gently rubbed over her nipples. She gasped in shock. “Isn’t that right, princess?”

“Y-yes…”

“Well, what is it?” I asked. “Why don’t you tell me what you want?”

“You… you know, Nav!”

“I need permission, silly!” I replied, booping her on the beak again. “So you gotta tell me exactly what you want, my pretty little birdy. So if you want me to make you sing, you have to ask for it.”

“Oooh… Why do you have to word it that way?!”

“To fluster you, of course,” I said. “You’re so cute when you’re mad!“

“Ooooh!” I dipped a finger into her honey pot, making her moan in surprise. “N-Nav!”

“So tell me,” I said with a grin. “What do you want me to do to you, princess?”

“Y-you want orders?” she growled. “Break your promise to my father! Defile me, Navarone! Make me unworthy for marriage!”

Wow. Way to make it sound as unsexy as possible. “As you command, princess,” I replied, leaning in to kiss her again. I can finally check off taking a princess’s virginity!

When I finally decided to stop torturing the poor princess, I pulled her against me on the moss and began softly rubbing her belly. Her hind legs twitched every few seconds. Instead of the adorable chirps and squeaks, she was now softly humming. The lap of the water against the moss was honestly hypnotic.

To be quite honest, I’m surprised she let herself enjoy it for as long as she did.

“Mmmm, Nav?” she finally whispered.

“Hm?”

“That was… worth your constant teasing.”

“Why do you think Twilight lets me get away with it?” She snorted. “Well, not just Twilight…”

“Oh? You have a herd then, do you?”

“I’m in an it’s complicated with a few women. But right now, you are the only other woman here.”

“Indeed I am. And unlike those other hussies you choose to brag about, you will tell no one of this.”

“Deal.” I could talk about having sex with Moonbeam and Celestia all I wanted. They’re both grown women who don’t particularly care what I say. But I didn’t much like the idea of the entire griffin kingdom being pissed off that I deflowered one of their princesses. That was a secret I decided it might be best to keep to myself. “So how did you enjoy being spoiled rotten in bed, princess?”

“Are you asking me to stroke your ego, now? I believe you have ample proof that I enjoyed myself.”

“I am asking you to stroke my ego. It only seems fair, since you didn’t stroke anything else of mine…”

“You mean after treating you to a free trip to my illustrious hot springs?”

“Yes, after kidnapping me and dragging me to your hamlet of mehdiocrity. After, you know, I saved your life.”

“Fine. Shall I count the ways you pleased me, then? Would you like me to rattle them off? Should I describe it intimately for you, or give you a play-by-play?”

“Honestly, I was kinda looking for more of a general overview. How did you enjoy your first time and is this something you could see yourself doing again?”

“Oh? Is your mind finally turning toward me?” she asked. “Is a relationship perhaps on the table…?” Her warm tail started sliding up my leg.

“Please stop answering my questions with questions. I’m not playing a game, Gilda. I’m genuinely curious. Did you actually enjoy sex and would you be interesting in having sex again in the future?”

“I did enjoy it. I would be delighted to do it again in the future. In truth… I regret that I held myself back as long as I did. I wish I had given in to my urges years ago.”

“To be fair, I’d say entrusting your first time with me was the right choice, all things told.”

“Lacking any external points of comparison, I will agree. I admit to attempting to please myself in the past, but nothing I have ever done to myself could hold a candle to what you made me feel.”

See there? Was that so hard to say? “If you want, I can teach you how to schlick properly.”

“...I don’t know what schlick means.”

“Masturbate.”

“Ah. I do want. You will teach me later. For now, I am too sensitive.”

“Which brings me to my next question… What’s next for me and you, Gilda?”

She snorted. “This is where I’d ask again if a relationship was on the table, but I am apparently not allowed to answer questions with questions.”

“I suppose I did word that question poorly. Once we leave this cave, are we ever going to have sex again? If not, that’s fine. I’d just like to know where I stand.”

“The instant we can no longer see Gryphus, I will drag you to your room aboard your ship. You will not leave until we arrive at our destination. And as we return, you will continue pleasing your princess. Upon our return to Gryphus, we shall dictate the terms of our relationship. And now it is my turn for a question…” She pulled away enough to turn around so she was facing me. “Why not me?”

“...I don’t want to answer that.”

“I’ll cry if you don’t.”

“You might cry if I do.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’ll tell my father you defiled me.”

“You would not survive the attempt.” She blinked. “I’m not joking, Gilda. Don’t you dare try to hold this above me. I do consider you a friend, but I will not let you threaten me.”

“And do you think you could get away with murdering a princess?”

“Yes, extremely easily. Celestia knows a spell that would make everyone forget you ever existed.” Of course, that was (probably) a bold-faced lie, but I was hoping she didn’t know any better.

“...If Celestia knew that spell, there would be only one ruler on this planet.”

“No, she’s held in check by my brother.”

“...Your brother? I thought your family was gone.”

“I was adopted by Pyrite’s mother. Legally speaking, I’m second in line to the dragon throne.”

“Pyrite’s mother?”

“And mine. She’s completely mind numbingly insane.”

She blinked a few more times before finally pushing me back. “Everything you say leads me to more questions, yet you still haven’t answered the first! You will tell me why you won’t marry me!”

“I don’t like some aspects of your personality.”

“I know! WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE?!”

“For starters, this.” She started to angrily retort, but then thought better of it. Her beak clamped shut with a snap. “You’re a princess, through and through. That comes complete with a princess’s pride and a princess’s honor. It’s very obvious that you’ve never known hardship, you’ve never gone hungry, and you’ve never had to really work a day in your life. You claim that all of your actions are for your people, yet all you seem to do is belittle your servants and guards. Any that express any manner of affection toward you are punished. You’re exceedingly prim and polite at times to the point of being blatantly standoffish. It’s clear you’ve spent more time in your own company than with others. To sum up, you’re very immature.”

The rage on her face was… not comforting. Aqua giggled and said, “You do so enjoy spelling out the faults of others, don’t you?”

It’s honestly my favorite hobby. “I do like you, Gilda. You are my friend. I generally enjoy the time we spend together. But as things stand right now, the difference in our maturity levels makes the idea of a relationship with you… unpalatable.”

“I see.”

“See there? Prim and proper to a fault. I just insulted you, Gilda. It’s okay to yell at me for it if you want.”

“And risk being called out for my immaturity?” she harshly shot back.

“Yelling at somebody doesn’t make you immature. Yelling at somebody who is incapable of yelling back makes you immature.”

“A fine distinction, I’m sure.”

“It’s the difference in yelling at a friend or a lover or even a random stranger versus yelling at a servant or a guard or a random fast food employee. I can and will defend myself against you, Gilda. You’re free to have any kind of discourse you want with me and I’m free to return the favor.”

“...So this is about how I treat my staff.”

“That’s part of it, yes.”

“Many of your complaints were about me being a princess, as well. Would you prefer living in squalor with a peasant woman, then?”

“I just don’t like most of the stereotypical princess personality archetypes, which isn’t your fault. To put it bluntly, you’re a fairly standard honorable ice queen tsundere princess. I don’t like ice queens, I don’t like tsunderes, and I can’t stand honor.

“...I assume those words mean things to you that they do not to me.”

“You assume correctly. I don’t know if this means anything to you, but I shattered Celestia’s motherly princess image less than an hour after meeting her. I managed to get past Luna’s awkward iciness and warm her up into something that’s almost comfortable to touch. When I first met Cadance, I wanted to murder her. It actually took longer than average to get past her stupid archetypal personality, but when I finally did, I helped mold her into one of the best rulers on the planet.”

“And did you make each of those princesses hate themselves?”

“Yes. Celestia tried killing herself in front of me, I’m not going to go into what happened with Luna, and I made Cadance cry. Several times.”

“Then I, too, shall swallow my princess’s pride. Let us return to my abode.”

“Can I—” She sank beneath the waves before I could finish, but I wasn’t going to let her rudeness stop me. “—take some of this moss with me?”

I wish silence was all that greeted me. Instead, I got to hear Aqua giggle. “Of course you have my permission to take some of the moss, my precious little cherry blossom!”

I just wanted to show Twilight, but after that, I almost changed my mind. In the end, I decided not to let Aqua ruin something nice for me and tore off a small strip of the moss before sliding beneath the water.

That’s when I realized that Gilda was already gone. She abandoned me in her maze of a hotsprings, apparently expecting me to find own my way back. Remind me to tack this onto the list of reasons I won’t be dating her, in case she ever asks again.

“With pleasure! And don’t worry, Nav. I can guide you back.”

I know. Let’s do it, then.

“Of course, we aren’t going straight back…”

I’m not going to start roaming around a huge underwater cave just because you’re curious. Come and do this on your own time.

“Don’t pretend you aren’t also interested.”

I am interested. Thankfully, I’m a mature adult who’s capable of realizing that things in which I’m interested in aren’t always things that are worth exploring. Yes, we could spend hours or days exploring this vast underground cave network and I’m sure we might eventually stumble upon whatever is causing this heat, but whatever we might find won’t be worth the time spent searching for it.

“Were you alone, I couldn’t disagree. Luckily for you, your wonderful friend Aqua can tell minute differences in temperature with no problem at all. All I have to do is keep following the heat until I can’t anymore. I won’t take up more than an hour of your extremely precious time, Nav.”

I probably could have kept debating it, but I was hoping that Twilight would eventually wonder where I was and take a look with magic. With luck, she’d realize that I was breathing underwater and that would tip her off to the fact that I had an elemental in me.

After a few twists and turns, we surfaced back in the main cavern. Gilda had already fucked right off, which probably meant she was freezing her ass off on the walk back to the house. Aqua submerged us again and we started swimming along the sides of the cavern, presumably feeling out where the heat was the greatest. After a few minutes of following the wall, she started swimming out toward the far wall.

When she got there, she stopped. “This… this isn’t right.”

“What isn’t?” I asked aloud. Thankfully, there was only one other griffin in the room now, and he was on the far side.

“Hm…” We started following the wall again before she sighed. “No, surely not…”

“Stop being retarded and just tell me what’s wrong. I know you’re doing it on purpose.”

“As far as I can tell, the heat source is somewhere in this room. Surely they would have found it by now, though!” Instead of waiting for a reply, she dove and started swimming to a point near the center of the little lake. Soon enough, we were floating above the silty cavern floor. “This is the hottest point, but there’s nothing here.”

I poked the silt. It was hot, but not painfully so. I started digging through it, but almost immediately got to a layer that was too hot to touch.

“Perhaps there’s some manner of lava vent directly below this cavern and we’re only getting the residual heat?” she mused.

I bet you money it’s dumber than that. I began probing around the rest of the silt. At this point, it was getting so murky that it was difficult to tell what was going on, but I could navigate by feeling pretty well. Soon enough, I had it narrowed down to a fairly small area that was too hot to touch.

“Let’s put this mystery to rest,” Aqua said. I wasn’t quite sure how she expected me to do that since it was too hot to touch, but she actually did something that was semi-intelligent for once: She used my heat-proof tail to throw that wad of silt aside. Of course, that made it completely impossible to see and threw whatever we were looking for into the abyss at the same time, so we finally surfaced. “We’ll look again once the silt has time to clear.”

I was too preoccupied by her bullshit that I didn’t notice Twilight paddling over to me. “There you are, Nav!” she called as she swam. “Gilda said you were right behind her.”

“I made her mad, so she left me to die in her maze.”

The smile on her face dipped slightly. “She… Ugh, you always do this!”

“No, I mean that literally. She guided me through this underwater maze to a private chamber, we talked for a bit, she got mad, and then she abandoned me in said private chamber in the middle of her underwater cave.”

“But… you knew the way back, right?”

“No, she had me keep my eyes closed and just pulled me along. It took me a little while to get back.”

“...I’m sure she was planning on coming to get you.”

“Yeah, probably. Of course, that doesn’t really make up for leaving me in an underwater death maze, but whatever.” I held up the scrap of moss. At this point, it had lost almost all of its glow. “This was growing in that chamber. I thought you might want to look at it.”

“That’s a magical fungus,” she said. “Watch.” Her horn lit up and the moss matched it. “It only grows in places with a high concentration of magic, feeding off the residual energy. I’d say it’s likely that this is some manner of magical spring.”

“It’s interesting you say that. I think I found the source of this heat and would like your help in getting a better look at it.”

“I’d be delighted to help, but I’m not really sure what you need.”

“Whatever the source is, it’s fairly small but it’s too hot to touch. It’s pretty close to directly beneath us, but I kicked up a lot of silt trying to pinpoint it.”

“Close your eyes.” I did so and she poked me with her horn. A small wave of purple deliciousness hit me. “This spell makes it very difficult to see through air but makes looking through water simple.”

I opened my eyes and sure enough, it looked kinda like I was underwater. “Why doesn’t this spell just make it so that you can also see underwater? This debuff is unnecessary.”

“I didn’t make the spell,” she replied. It looked like she shrugged as she said it, but I couldn’t tell for sure. “You ready to go spelunking?”

“Yep.” We both took deep breaths and submerged. Aqua guided me directly to what looked like a small group of bubbles. As we got closer, I realized the bubbles were centered around what looked like a ring. I tried reaching out to grab it, but the water around it was literally boiling hot. Twilight grabbed it with magic and we shot back up to the surface.

“So it really was a ring!” I shouted when we got up.

“Is that a surprise?” Twilight asked, holding the thing up to get a better look at it. While she was doing that, the weird spell thing she put over my eyes wore off and I could suddenly see properly again.

“Gilda personally guaranteed me that the heat source wasn’t a ring. I’m gonna rub it in her face.”

“Way to take the high road.” The ring finally flashed purple. “It’s magic, all right. I don’t know what it does yet, though.”

“Do you remember the ring of invisibility we found in Athena’s dungeon?

“No.”

“What about the card deck?”

“Absolutely not and I don’t want you to ever bring it up again.”

“...Fair enough. The point is, I think this is another failed creation. Whoever created this wanted a ring that let them make fire. Instead, they created a ring that catches whatever it’s put around on fire.”

“Then why would it work on the water?”

“Instead of lighting it on fire, it just heats the water up. Let me see it.”

“Be careful,” she said as she floated it my way. I started moving a hand toward the ring to see if I felt any heat. There was none at all. Finally, I poked it. It was cool to the touch.

“Let me take it.” She dropped the ring into my hand. I very gently lowered a small strand of my hair into it. As soon as the strand of hair got to the other side of the ring, it lit up in a flash and burned away. It smelled like burning leaves instead of burning keratin, thankfully. “Yep, there you go. This ring generates heat on anything that passes through it. If you throw it in a bucket of water, it would evaporate in seconds. Throw it in a lake and it becomes a hot spring after a few hundred years.”

“...Amazing,” Twilight said. “And yet utterly worthless.”

“If by worthless you mean free infinite energy, sure.”

“The energy isn’t very useful if it kills anyone wearing it, Nav.”

“Did you even listen to what I just said, Twilight?”

“Well, great. Pick a lake near Canterlot and let’s turn it into a spring. It won’t generate much revenue at the start, but when we market it right? I think we could make it work.”

“Twilight, please. You’re better than this. Use your critical thinking skills.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“Jesus, fine! Ever heard of a thing called a steam engine before?” She blinked. “If this thing could boil a pot of water instantly, you could toss it in one of those to generate infinite power. Mind, it wouldn’t be much infinite power, but it’s still infinite.”

“...You are correct. So, since Gilda left you here to die anyway, I say we keep the ring without telling her a thing.”

“I don’t think you understand how much I want the satisfaction of rubbing this in her face. I don’t care if it means she gets to keep it or not, since it’s not like there’s anything I can do with this hunk of junk.”

“I can do plenty with it! I can use it for tons of research projects! And I don’t know why you aren’t treating this like a bigger deal. It may not be enough to power a city, but it could probably power a house.”

“True. Still though, this spring has been here for generations. Stealing the source doesn’t sit well with me.”

She sighed and nodded. “Fair enough, Nav. How long do you think it can stay out of the water before the spring starts to lose its heat?”

“Technically? Zero seconds. The temperature has been decreasing ever since we pulled it out.” At least, I think so. Aqua?

“You’re correct. This ring appears to be the source of the heat.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say the water will become too cold to swim in over the course of a day or two, maybe a week at most, at which point it’ll freeze completely.”

“That seems like a fair assessment,” Twilight said. “I was more worried about it freezing by the time we got to Gilda, though.”

“Oh no, there’s too much residual heat left over. It’s not that cold out there.” Even if it feels that way when all you’re wearing is a tiny dress.

“Good. In that case, you go tell Gilda while I enjoy what’s left of the heat. Those two guards were rough and they both wanted to go several times.”

“Nice. Unfortunately, I ain’t goin’ nowhere without you. It’s too cold. Wanna find a safe place to leave this thing while we play in the springs?”

“Yes.”

And that’s just what we did.

Once we were done with that, we grabbed the ring and finally hopped out of the water. “I know it’s warm in here, but it still feels cold outside the water,” I said.

Twilight’s horn lit up and the water all flowed off us, then we both heated up. “How’s that?”

“Much better. The walk here was hell.”

“Huh. Maybe you should have packed more warm weather gear,” she replied with a cheeky grin.

“Eat a spoonful of cinnamon.”

“Will you forgive me if I do?”

I smirked. “Of course. Just let me watch.”

“Alright. I don’t really see how that could be so bad.”

Giving away the surprise would have ruined it, so I just grabbed my terrible clothes and got dressed. “Got the ring?” I asked.

She floated it over. “Right here.”

“Good. Float over about a bucket’s worth of water. I want to see how quickly it evaporates it.”

“You got it,” she said as she floated the water over. As soon as she put the ring in the water, we could see the inside of the ring light up bright orange. After a few seconds, bubbles started bursting from the ring. The water lasted all of five seconds. “Wow.”

“So this thing is pretty powerful, small scale,” I said. “This heat may last longer than we thought.”

“We shall see,” Twilight said. “The princess might not want her special springs to be ruined.”

“If she actually cares about this shitty place.”

“You called it shitty. And honestly, it seemed like that hurt her feelings. And then you did… something to make her angry. What did you even do?”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “You uh… know those speeches I like to give?”

She sighed and face-hooved. “You mean one of your awful reasons you suck speeches?”

“She asked! You know I never give those unless they literally ask for it!”

“Bullshit!” she said, slapping a hoof against the sandy floor. I grinned, because her cursing is always adorable. “You did it to those Tower goons yesterday!”

“One can not more literally ask for it than by insulting my Twiggles,” I replied with a boop to her nose.

“Tell that to Chrysalis.”

“Hey now, I can’t fight all your battles!”

“...I get it now,” she whispered, her eyes widening. “Now I know what you’re doing!”

“What am I doing?” I asked.

“You’re making us compete for your affection!”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Yeah, and?”

That made her mouth drop. “W-what?”

“That’s the point of courtship. Since multiple people are courting me, you have to compete to earn my affection. This is like Relationship 101, Twilight.”

After a few seconds, she finally grinned with a squee. “I’m courting a noble lady!”

“Welcome to… I dunno, a few months ago. Why do you think Fleur and Moonie have been trying to one-up you and put you down? They see you as the weaker partner, so they want to get rid of you first. Once that happens, I think they’ll both agree to share me and then force me to accept a herd.”

The grin disappeared and her eyes narrowed. “And you knew?”

“That’s just a suspicion,” I replied with a shrug. “I figured you already understood that.”

“...I did not. Well we’ll just see about that, then! Weaker partner my flank!”

Aqua sighed and quietly said, “Not that it’ll matter soon…”

Oooh, ominous foreshadowing! “Contrary to popular belief, jealousy isn’t really all that sexy.”

“That just sounds like you’re encouraging a herd. How do you expect us to compete if we aren’t jealous?”

That one stumped me. “Alright, fair enough. I guess I’ll have to learn to deal with it. Just respect my limits.”

“Deal,” she replied with a nod. “If nothing else, that may be my saving grace. I would never hurt you.... Without permission.”

“Good. Now let’s go pay our host a visit. I’m looking forward to this.”

“You’re so mean,” she said with a grin. “I’m glad to know you’re through with Gilda now that your conquest is complete.”

“She might be interested in more sex later,” I said with a shrug. “I guess we’ll see.” With that, we finally started walking. “But it’ll be just sex. And this stays between just us.”

“Fair enough. But you’re gonna fill me in on every little detail later!”

“I’ll let you watch in our dreams. Maybe I’ll even let you play the part of Gilda.”

“Hm, maybe. But I think I like watching you squirm and moan more. You’re so cute when I’m playing with you!”

I wonder if she thinks that’s a compliment.

“It is a compliment,” Aqua said. “You should thank her.”

“So did you get to meet the leader of this place?” I asked.

“I did. He was the first caribou I’ve ever met.”

“What did you think of him?”

“Poorly. I advise against meeting him. He might not kill you, but you’d likely wish he had.”

“Jesus. What did he do?”

She snorted. “Apparently caribou culture is notorious for being strictly patriarchal. They don’t hold mares in high regard. I can’t imagine what Gilda had to do to get him to accept her control.”

“Oh. The hamlet of mehdiocrity strikes again!”

“Stop saying that like it’s a thing! You’re not making it a thing!”

“It’s too late, Twilight. Gilda is going to have it engraved here as an official quote from Lady Navarone. My words will live on in history!”

“You have problems.”

“Yeah.”

Most of the rest of the walk back was in silence. By the time we got to the manor, the sun was finally dipping under the mountain. I made sure to grab a pitcher of water from the kitchens before going to confront Gilda.

We found her in a small sitting room, where she was writing something in a journal. She looked up for just a moment when we walked in before returning to her writing.

“You lied to me,” I said.

That made her set the pen down. When she turned to look at me, anger was on her face. “I did no such thing. Even after all your insults, I never lied to you.”

“You made me a guarantee,” I said. “You told me the heat source wasn’t a ring!”

“What foolishness is this?” she demanded. “Don’t waste my time!”

I held up the grey band. “What is this, then?”

“I don’t know, Nav. What is that?”

“Don’t play coy,” I said, lifting up the pitcher. “We know your secret!” I dropped the ring in there and steam immediately began pouring out of the pitcher. Gilda jumped up, eyes wide. “Did you think we wouldn’t find out?”

“What sorcery is this?! What did that pet unicorn of yours do?!”

“Nothing, actually,” Twilight said. “Nav found the ring on her own. It was buried in the silt in the main chamber.”

“How… how could you find such a thing?!”

“I think the better question is why you’d lie to me!”

“I didn’t lie!” Gilda yelled. “I had no idea! That ring is amazing!”

“Yeah, I know, I’m just fucking with you.” The look of surprise on her face immediately disappeared, only to be replaced by extreme disappointment. “So, you know what you can do with this thing?”

“Execute annoying humans?”

“Create infinite power.”

She slowly sat back down. “Keep talking.”

“Once we find out how quickly thing this can evaporate different amounts of water, we can use it to create an engine. It probably wouldn’t be too powerful, but if we could find a way to make more of these rings, or something better, we might have a possibility for an easy semi-infinite power source.”

One of her talons immediately extended. “Give it to me.” I walked over and dropped it in her palm. She slowly pulled it closer to get a better look at it. “So plain, for something so powerful. I believe this is… lead. Perhaps that it how it withstands its own heat…”

“This will kill the springs,” Twilight said. “Without this heat source, the water will soon freeze.”

“...Navarone made a suggestion to me. She told me to form a royal academy. I am currently drafting a letter to head of this location, relieving him of his position. I will be taking over and turning this place into a beacon of learning, not a mausoleum of knowledge. For now, the ring will stay safe in the springs. Only we will know of this. Once I form my academy, I will begin experimenting on it.”

“I think that sounds like an excellent idea,” Twilight said. “Good luck to you, princess.”

“With luck, I can use the pageant as advertisement,” Gilda said. “The thought of going to it still ails my mind, but I will put it to use. Now, night falls. You will soon need to rest, Nav. Would you like dinner first?”

“She would,” Twilight immediately said. “Are we going to be returning tonight or in the morning?”

“Tonight,” Gilda said. “Once Nav returns to sleep, we’ll summon the chariots and return to Gryphus. With luck, Nav’s ship will be there first thing tomorrow.”

“I do still need to talk to your brother. A lot of the people on the ship are very needy, so I might not have much time when they arrive.”

“Quite a fine way to describe your followers.” She set the ring and the letter in a lockbox, then pulled the key. “Let us go eat, then. I believe they’re serving roc and potato soup.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said.

And as it so happens, it was quite good.

All in all, I’d rate that sub-vacation a four out of ten. The griffins need to step up their game.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Six

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Six

As soon as they let me go to bed, I dipped into the world of dreams. Since the hour was so early, no one from home was asleep. My only other option was talking to Aqua, so I went in search of nightmares to bust. Unfortunately, she insisted upon talking to me the whole time.

After about an hour of dicking around, Luna appeared before me. “Greetings once again, Navarone,” she said. “How are things progressing?”

“Well. Princess Gilda up in Gryphus is founding a royal college dedicated to the return of true magic and human technology.”

“Excellent news! But I meant in regards to your preparations for Celestia.”

“I’ve warned everyone but Cadance and Moonbeam, at this point. I was going to talk to Cadance when she fell asleep tonight and I was going to contact Moonie on a magic mirror tomorrow.”

“Would you mind my company when you go to approach Cadance?” she asked. “I would like to test her loyalty.”

“Sure. After that, I’m probably going to torture her husband. Would you like to join me for that, too?”

“I will, but only to watch.”

“Then let’s see if they’re asleep yet.” We both concentrated, but nothing happened. “I guess not.”

“Then I suppose we wait. For once, I have no duties that need to be handled.”

“And I’m free until morning. You wanna have a competition to see who can give the most wet dreams?”

“No. I would like to have a competition to see who can bust the most nightmares.”

“Have some originality,” I replied with a boop to her nose.

“We have never done such a competition before, have we?” she asked.

“I dunno, probably not. But it seems like something that’s overdone. Whatever we do, we need to decide quickly. If Twilight shows up, she might try to kill all the fun.”

“That is a fair point. Very well, then. I suggest we return to my dreams to train against demons.”

“Sounds good to me. After you.” She bowed her head before disappearing. I tracked her dream a moment later and let myself in.

“I hope you do not mind if we talk while we train,” Luna said. “I find it helps clear my mind.”

“It don’t hurt my feelings none. I hope you don’t mind me being mostly worthless. I squared up against a few demons in the tower that gave me a run for my money, though I did pretty well against a weakened Nestorats.”

“True demons are incredibly powerful,” Luna said. “There is no shame in doing poorly against them. We will not be training against those monsters tonight. For now, I will pit you against a few of the lesser Tartaran devils and perhaps a few lower ranking demons.”

“Do I at least get to use my own gear?”

“By all means,” she said with a nod. “Use whatever you would in real life. It is not true training, otherwise. Just remember that you are incapable of using magic in real life, so do not do so here.”

“I know.” I pulled forth my armor and my sword. “Let’s do this, then.”

“Not quite yet,” she said. “For this to be true training, you must be in your true form. Are you not female now?”

I stared at her in silence for a few long seconds before sighing and hanging my head. Just like that, I changed into my horribly mutated form. She actually gasped when my tail burst out of the armor.

“Nav… What happened to you?”

“The first wings came from Trixie turning me into a pegasus and then you refusing to take them away when you changed me back. The cat eyes came from you. The tree bullshit came from you and Celestia. The female thing was the curse of the gender stones. The demon wing was from Nestorats. The tail is from me getting turned into a dragon and eating gems. I hate this body.”

“...I understand why. You have my sympathies, Nav. Your new life has not been easy on you and I fear the road will only grow worse.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I sighed. “So what am I gonna get to kill today?”

“...Perhaps training can wait.” One of her hooves tapped on the ground and we appeared in a densely forested and very frigid taiga. “Sit with me by the fire.” And just like that, a large fire lit up next to us. I made the armor disappear and sat down on a fairly nice armchair. Luna extended it into a couch and plopped down next to me. She waved a hoof over us and a large quilt appeared. It was pretty warm. “How are things, Navarone? Truly?”

“Pretty fucking shitty, for the most part. How are things for you?”

“We are not speaking about me. You are the leader of our movement against Celestia and Discord. When the smoke clears, you will likely be the ruler of most if not all of the world. Your mental health is very important. It’s something we’ve all abused too much. It’s too late to stop this damage, but with work, we can help you get through the worst of it.”

“I’m fine, Luna. You’re more interesting.”

Her faced moved closer and her eyes narrowed slightly. “Do not lie to me, Navarone. I know from experience when one is not feeling themselves. You have been through much, been pulled in many ways. Your very mind itself has been abused, in some cases. I mean no offense when I say this, but I believe you are not mentally stable. I would like to talk about it, if you would be willing.”

“...Why now?” I asked.

“Because until now, most of your problems were with others. Now, you hate yourself more than ever. That is not safe, Nav. When your mind is in that state, the choices you make are unsound. Looking back, I can see it reflected in many of my own choices, clear as night. As I grew deeper into depression and self-hatred, the choices I made became darker and darker. That’s when I began to enjoy being cruel. I know what this path of self-hatred can lead to, Nav. I don’t want you to go through that.”

Aqua’s fingers sunk into my shoulders like talons as she giggled in one of my ears. Once that horrific sound was over, she took over my mouth and said, “I’d be happy to tell you everything, Luna.” When I started to try and fight back, she took over and leaned back, closing my eyes. I guess that was to hide the fact that they were now blue. “Let’s see, where to begin…”

I hate you so much.

“You’ll thank me for this some day,” she replied in my head, patting me on the cheek. I wish I could say she knocked me out, but she made me watch as she spilled a large number of my problems to Luna, who listened very attentively the whole time.

The good news is that Aqua didn’t get down to the stuff I really didn’t want to talk about. That said, the only reason she stopped was so she could end with this, “I feel good getting all this off my chest, Luna. We should do this again sometime.”

“Perhaps. Truth be told, I’m surprised you told me anything at all. I’m pleased that you trust me, Nav. I swear that trust will be warranted. I will think on all that you have told me tonight. Many of these issues are things we could solve or improve. If you would like, we could work on them together as you work on improving me.”

Now that actually does sound pretty decent, I guess. “We’ll see what conclusions you come to,” I was allowed to say. “Ignoring my own mental well-being while focusing on everyone else around me seems much easier and healthier, though.”

“That is not the proper mindset of a ruler. You must lead, not allow yourself to be led.”

“I honestly kinda think you’re exaggerating about me leading the world. I’m envisioning more of a council. I’m not sure how we’ll organize it yet, but I think we can use a system of oligarchies led by benevolent overlords where life is transformed into a utopia through the use of magic to fuel technology. With magic’s sustainability, it’ll allow us to build a technological utopia with no real downsides. All needs will be fulfilled, so there will be no need for crime or violence. There’s gonna be a hell of a lot of kinks to work out, but Gilda’s school is one of the first steps toward that goal.”

She placed a hoof on one of my shoulders and pushed her nose against mine. “This is why you should be the leader, Nav.” Her face pulled back, but her hoof did not. “This vision you have, this ability to put things together…”

“You mean common sense?” I asked.

“Intuition. The goal you describe seems far-fetched, but I believe it can be done. Certain parts of the world will require… pacification, though.”

“That’s part of the goal of my trip around the world, I think. Every time I find an element of harmony, it’s in a place that needs cleaning up. And each time, I do something significant to change that place, generally for the better. Discord keeps saying that he has me here for one reason: To make choices. As long as I have the ability to do that, I’m doing what he wants. I don’t know what that means, though. Am I helping him or hurting him?”

“Do not waste time ruminating on the words of that demon,” Luna replied, finally removing her hoof from my shoulder. “It may have created you, but it doesn’t appear to be interested in influencing you. Take all of its words with a grain of ash.”

“It’s salt. Grain of salt.”

“...I forgot. I know you are worried about Discord. I know it isn’t something you like to hear, but at the moment, there is nothing you can do about it. Do not let it trouble your mind. Focus solely on what is in front of you.”

“That’s not so easy, I’m afraid,” I sighed. “At the moment, I’m stuck dealing with my inner demons.”

“I do understand.” No you don’t, unfortunately. “Just try not to lose sight of our goals. Once we kill Celestia, we will need you more than ever.”

“I also have another big hurdle in front of me before I need to deal with Celestia. I’m going to break into the zone of alienation.”

She slowly leaned back. “That is… an interesting choice. I attempted such a thing once. It did not go well.”

“What happened?”

“Hail. We made it through the forest and were on our way down into the crater when we were hit by volleyball-sized hail. The weather fluctuates wildly under the dome, so we had no idea it was coming. Half of us were dead before we knew what was going on and I called it off as soon as the storm was over. This was thousands of years ago, of course. I assume things have changed greatly since then. Why are you going?”

“When I went back in time, that bunker is where I got taken. That’s where I met myself, the person I would have been. It’s where he created all the new races like you guys. I’m hoping I will find answers.”

“...I see. I ask permission to join your expedition.”

“Granted, but you’re to stay confined to the ship until we get out of civilization. I believe it’s already left, so you’ll need to meet with me privately in a few days.”

“I shall wait until your ship has departed. I will teleport in and assist however I may.”

“Cool beans. I’ll make sure to warn everyone before you show up. I’m not sure how they’ll take it.”

“I realize now that my actions have consequences. I am prepared for what may come.”

“I can promise you one thing, Luna,” I said, reaching out to grab her hoof.

Her eyes glittered with hope. “And what is that, Nav?” she sweetly asked.

“I’m gonna rub the fuck outta your belly.”

“I long for your touch…” she sighed, looking away. “The selfish part of me missed it so, but I could never ask anything of you now.” Her eyes moved back and a small grin crossed her lips. “But if you freely offer to pamper me so delightfully, I would be a fool to pass it up!”

Why do they always have to make it sound creepy. “You guys are all such tummy sluts. I made Princess Gilda moan and purr with a nice belly rub, too.”

“I’m not surprised. Your hands are quite enjoyable. I know my… niece always seemed to enjoy my stories.”

So it’s all your fault! “Yeah, she’s also a little skank for my hands. Speaking of, do you want to go see if she’s asleep yet?”

“Very well, though I must admit that I’m quite comfortable.”

“Yeah, this shit is mad dope,” I replied. “But why are we in the middle of nowhere?”

“There is something primal in taking comfort at a fire,” she replied. “Something that calls to our roots. Something that makes us want to tell stories, to share suffering. The warmth of fire connects us all, Navarone. I guarantee the comfort you felt helped you speak of your problems.”

“Shouldn’t we be cuddling, then?” I asked.

“There is always next time. Now let us check on Cadance.” Her dream dissolved and we appeared in the anteroom. Her eyes closed and then her head turned. “She is asleep.”

We both hopped over to Cadance’s golden dream. “How dare she be happy?” I asked.

“Truly, it’s sickening,” Luna replied. “Let us see what this wretched mare dreams of tonight.”

We both stepped forward and scooped some of the gold smoke aside. In the dream… The male me was rubbing Cadance’s tummy while Shiny fed her chocolate.

“Wow,” is all I could say.

“Wow indeed,” Luna said. “Perhaps I could learn from my niece’s example. That dream seems quite pleasant.”

“Hedonist. Are we doin’ this or what?”

“Of course,” Luna said. “She looks too pleased with herself to let this continue. We have to ruin it.”

“...When did you become cool?”

She smirked at me for just a moment before stepping into Cadance’s dream. I followed and found myself rubbing a pretty pink belly.

“Quite the nice place you’ve built for yourself,” Luna said. She was standing next to Shining Armor and watching me rub Cadance’s tummy with some small amusement.

“We’ve talked about this,” Cadance sighed. “Ask permission before just jumping into my dreams!”

“I don’t believe you ask the same things of Navarone or Twilight Sparkle.”

“Navarone and Twilight haven’t raped or murdered anybody recently.”

“Not true, actually,” I replied. Cadance gasped and pushed away from me. “Depending on what you mean by recently, at least. Twilight basically raped me once using pheromones. And I murdered Calix in cold blood a few years ago. No hesitation and no remorse.”

“...I know of Calix,” Cadance slowly said. “Why are you here with Luna?”

“Because we share a common enemy,” Luna replied. “A common enemy that I believe to be mobilizing.”

“What do you mean?”

“My sister summoned me to Canterlot at a date that will coincide with Nav’s return to Equestria. I believe she means to kill him and is seeking my support in making things go smoothly.”

Cadance stared at her for a few minutes before looking over to me. “I’m calling everybody in,” I said. “All my favors, all the people who owe me, all the people who said they’d support me. I don’t think Celestia is going to try to kill me, but if she’s calling Luna back at the same time I happen to be returning to Canterlot… It’s got me worried.”

“Shiny and I will be there,” Cadance replied immediately. “Give me a time and a place.”

“I had a thought on that, actually,” Luna said. “I believe we all need to get together before we confront Celestia and come up with a unified plan of attack for dealing with her. Once Nav and I finish breaking into the zone of alienation, we will meet with you and Chrysalis at the Crystal Empire. If we can get Captain Midnight Blossom to attend, we should have all the attendees we need.”

“Why do we need Captain Midnight?” Cadance asked.

“Because we’re about to lead a coup that will shake the entire fabric of your civilization to its core,” I replied. “When we take power from Celestia, it will be upsetting six thousand years of her whitewashed history. We’re going to have ponies all over the planet demanding our heads for taking Celestia’s. Without the support of Blossom and the military, our coup means nothing. Sure, we get rid of Celestia, but our heads will be the next ones on pikes. With the military in our pocket to keep the people pacified in the short term, we’ll have time to start airing out all the lies. Once we get the people on our side, we won’t need her nearly as much anymore.”

“...You say we a lot,” Cadance said. “This is your movement, Nav.”

“This is our movement,” I said. “Relatively speaking, I’m a newcomer here. More to the point, I was literally created by Discord. You can’t dump all this bullshit on me since I was created by the person we’re working to destroy.”

“That’s fair,” she said with a nod. “But don’t think for a moment that you aren’t at this movement's core, Nav. And don’t think for a moment that you’ll be off the hook once Discord is gone, either. If we go through with this coup, you’re going to take responsibility with us.”

“That’s why I said we.”

“The bulk of the responsibility,” Luna added.

“That’s unfair,” I shot back. “Let those who created these problems and allowed them to continue fix them… Luna.”

“I will do my part,” she said. “I may have lost to Celestia once, but that was a very long time ago. In every other bout we have had, I won. It was only when she resorted to cheating that I fell to her.”

“There’s no such thing as cheating in the coming fight,” I said. “If it comes to us fighting Celestia, do whatever it takes to put her down permanently no matter what. If that’s what it comes to, it will be us or her and I guarantee she won’t hesitate to do whatever she must.”

“I will handle Celestia,” Luna said with a nod. “Leave fighting her to me and Chrysalis. If it does devolve into a melee, you both should run.”

“Why should Cadance run?” I asked. “She can use her overpowered bullshit to make Celestia fall in love with a fucking stapler or something.”

That made Luna giggle, but Cadance glared at me. “I won’t misuse my special talent for your political contrivances,” she replied. “I would be happy to help fight Celestia, but I refuse to allow love to be used as a means of pacifying Celestia so that we can kill her.”

“Then I hope you are prepared to die for that belief,” Luna solemnly replied. “Because if you appear on our side in the coming struggle, Celestia will not hesitate to put you down if she has the opportunity.”

“I am prepared to die for that,” Cadance said. Luna bowed her head.

“But you will misuse your special talent for funsies?” I asked.

“Never,” she immediately said.

“What about that time you chased me around the palace shooting love magic everywhere, including at both Luna and Celestia?”

“That wasn’t for fun!” she shot back. “I was naively trying to teach you a very poorly thought out lesson that you apparently didn’t need to learn. I don’t know how many times I have to apologize for that!”

“Once would be nice,” I said. “You may have apologized to Luna and Celestia about what you did, but I don’t think you ever apologized to me for trying to subjugate my free will.”

“I apologize for trying to subjugate your free will, Nav. I made a mistake.”

“Apology accepted. So, Luna and I will hopefully be done within two weeks. I’ll fill you in on the details as I get them.”

“What, precisely, are you two doing?” Cadance asked. “You mentioned the zone of alienation?”

“It’s a human installation,” I said. “That’s where the dream machine device was found. I’m leading an expedition to break into it for answers.”

“...Answers to what?” she asked.

“Why a human installation is being mindlessly and zealously protected by raving hordes of incredibly powerful people, for starters,” I said. “It’s the place where the other me created all of life as we know it today. I want to know how he did it, why he did it, if he has any easter eggs hidden in your DNA that we need to know about, and what means of controlling you he has. The other me knew I was paving the way for other humans to come forward through time. We had several long talks about how I was supposed to secure a way for more humans to emigrate through time and settle the new world without Discord. He wouldn’t have created you guys without some external means of control. If it’s there, we need to find out how to disable it. Otherwise, I won’t be bringing humanity forward in time.” They both stared at me in silence for that. “...What?”

“You would sign the death warrant of your own species?” Luna asked.

“No, we did that to ourselves when we created Discord and then gave it enough power to kill a planet.”

“But you’d betray your own people,” Cadance quietly said.

“Not my people,” I replied with a shrug. “Humanity disowned me while I was there back in time. Fuck ‘em. I make my own place and I spend time with people who are good for me. I don’t need a place built for me by people who look kinda sorta like me, especially if they’re going to turn around and fuck over everything I’ve spent the last several years building. I want to help humanity and I would love to save it from extinction, but I’m not gonna do it to the detriment of everyone else.”

“A very wise, mature answer,” Luna said. “You have grown considerably, Navarone.”

“Thanks, it was mostly the horrific trauma.” She looked away. “Anyway, we’ll leave you to your creepy dreams. I think we’re gonna go pay your husband a visit next.”

“...Why?” Cadance slowly asked.

“I punished you a few nights ago. I haven't done anything to him yet.”

“Why are you punishing them?” Luna asked.

“She has her reasons,” Cadance very quickly said. “Reasons that are private. But I don’t see why you’d need to drag my husband into it.”

“He’s not quite as guilty as you, but that by no means makes him innocent,” I replied. “He let me get drunk on lust so I wouldn’t say no and then took advantage of my state. I mean, you put me in the position to begin with and then refused to let me leave until you got what you wanted, but he was the one who actually dicked me down.”

“...Wait,” Luna slowly said.

“THANKS FOR VISITING BYE NOW!” Cadance shouted before hoofing herself in the face, presumably waking herself up and making the dream dissolve.

“So what did they do?” Luna asked.

“I’ve spent the last week or so in Gryphus at the kinky sex festival. Twilight turned me into a changeling one day so I could wander through the crowd as I wanted. I ended up running into Cadance and Shiny there, who had used the body swapping spell to swap places since Shiny prefers getting fucked, especially in a woman’s body. Cadance locked me up in their hotel room until I agreed to do what they wanted, which was to have sex with them. I finally agreed to eat some lust since I was literally starving and they wouldn’t feed me any love. As soon as I did, they swapped back, then Shiny turned on me and took advantage of my lust-drunk state.”

“I find a certain irony in her calling me out for rape, now.”

“Right? Anyway, let’s go punish her husband with some interesting nightmares. After that, I’m gonna go talk to Gourd and then get some real sleep.” We both looked over to Shiny’s white dream, which was sitting right next to us.

“I’m somewhat surprised she didn’t wake him up,” Luna said.

“She knows better. This is going to happen, one way or another. Putting it off would just make me angrier.”

“Hm. So what are you going to do to him?”

“Probably give him to Moonbeam as her personal pet. She’d lock him in chastity and then turn him into a feminized buttslut sex slave.”

“...Hm. So that’s what happened to those guards. How does she feminize them? Is it some form of magic?”

“Nah, it’s dumber than that.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Well, maybe not. One of the chemicals released in her ovipositor is estrogen.”

“I do not know what that is.”

“Do you know what testosterone is?” She shook her head once. “Testosterone is what makes men manly. Estrogen is what makes women girly. If you give a man a lot of estrogen, his body will change over time to become more feminine. In this particular case, Moonie’s ovipositor will likely inject him with enough estrogen for his penis to permanently shrink and possibly no longer able to become erect. It’ll also make his hair grow out longer and possibly shinier. And, of course, it’ll make his body generally more feminine overall. Oh, and it’ll fuck up his mood patterns, making them shift erratically while his body tries to sort out the new chemicals it’s constantly being pumped with.”

“Interesting. Very, very interesting. And females become more… manly when injected with testosterone?”

“Correct. Of course, all changeling ovipositors release some estrogen, but Moonie’s royal jelly releases quite a bit more.”

“Something you know from experience, perhaps…?”

“That’s just what she told me. I assume she’s telling the truth, based on what I’ve seen of the political prisoners that Celestia is turning into changeling sex slaves.”

“Hm. And this is the fate you’d choose for Shining Armor after what happened to you?”

“Did you have something else in mind?” I asked.

“No. I am merely wondering if you consider this a fair punishment.”

“It is what it is,” I replied with a shrug. “To be quite honest, I really haven’t put much thought into him at all. I was just going to jump in, throw Moonie at him, and leave. I might peek in every now and then to see how things are coming along, but I’ll mostly let him punish himself. I really don’t care enough to do more.”

“Very well. I shall remain here and watch. Enjoy.”

I walked up to Shiny’s dream and peeled the smoke back. At the moment, he was frolicking in a field with Twilight. That gave me an even more fun idea. I jumped in behind them so they couldn’t see me, dropped a very angry and horny Chrysalis in front of them, and then hopped out. Five seconds later, the smoke turned brown, which I was assuming meant a lustful nightmare.

“That was easier than I thought,” I said.

“Let us see the fruits of your labor,” Luna said, pushing a small amount of the smoke aside. “...Oh. Oh my.” She pushed the smoke closed and nodded. “Very well done, Nav.”

“Yeah, I hope he doesn’t wake up. I’ll check in on him occasionally to make sure it stays a nightmare.”

“You must rest,” Luna said. “Your body and nature demands it. I would be happy to check in on him occasionally for you.”

“If you want,” I replied with a shrug. “You’ll just have to let me know how it goes later.”

“As you wish. Do you go now to speak with Gourd?”

“Yep. And after that, some real sleep.”

She nodded once. “Rest well, Navarone.”

“Here’s hoping. See you soon.” I thought about Gourd and then hopped over to where his red dream was. How much you wanna bet he’s dreaming about me?

“You’re very conceited,” Aqua replied. “I think it’s much more likely he’s dreaming about a water elemental. We are, after all, much sexier and considerably better partners.”

I floated up to the dream and peeled some of the smoke back. “Huh.”

“...Indeed,” Aqua said.

At the moment, Gourd was dreaming about Kat. “You know what, I think I’ll leave him to it,” I said. “Let’s go find Taya instead.”

“Should we inform Kat?” she asked.

“Why? He can’t help what he dreams. Just because he’s dreaming about shoving his bologna pony into her bearded clam doesn’t mean he actually wants to.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Aqua asked. “Kat is hot. A good number of the guards on your ship have talked about wanting to do all kinds of things to her.”

“Fair. What I meant is that just because he’s dreaming about it doesn’t mean he would ever actually act on it. I don’t see any reason to share what anyone is dreaming about unless it gives me some kind of advantage over them.”

“You’re such a great leader,” she sarcastically replied.

Taya’s golden dream was right next to his, so I walked over to it and pulled the smoke back. In her dream, the two of us were fighting a horde of horrific monsters that were pouring out of the Everfree.

“How is that a good dream?” Aqua asked.

“Because fighting and killing is fun,” I replied. “But this one also isn’t constructive, so let’s move on to Watcher.”

His white dream was a few steps away. After staring at it for a few seconds, I sighed and pulled the smoke back. A younger version of Watcher and Zecora were playing with a young zorse. “...I definitely wasn’t expecting that,” Aqua slowly said.

“Right? I hope he doesn’t mind me jumping in.”

“It would be rude to interrupt a man’s dreams about the family he’s always wanted.”

“If he’s always wanted one. Once again, you can’t assume anything from a dream. Besides, it won’t be long.”

“Who doesn’t want a family?” she asked.

“Me. I never wanted kids and I’m still bitter that I was forced to have one, even if I have come to love her.”

“You’ll grow into it in time,” she said, patting my back. “Oooh, I can’t wait to see your firstborn! That love fruit from the Everfree is going to be so useful!”

“Yeah, except everybody already knows I don’t want kids. As soon as you try that, they’ll know something’s up.”

“Oh, this’ll be way on down the line, after you admit to everybody that you secretly love being a woman and always wanted to be.”

“We’ll see how that works out for you.” Since I was tired of dealing with her bullshit, I jumped into Watcher’s dream.

They all seemed happy to see me. The zorse actually galloped over to hug me. “Auntie Navi!” he shouted as he did so. That kinda confused me, but I hugged him back anyway.

“What brings you here, my lady?” Watcher asked. “More information?”

“Questions this time, actually,” I said. “Are you and Zecora actually considering…?”

“No. But it’s still a nice thought.”

“Well, he’s definitely adorable.” I finally let the kid go and he went back to his mother’s side. “Are you guys on the way?”

“We are. Gourd is thinking we should get there before noon tomorrow.”

“Excellent. After two attempts on my life, I decided to stay at the palace.”

“What happened?” he asked.

“Bounty hunters from China. Apparently one of the dogs put a huge price on my head. One of them figured out I was in disguise and almost got me while I was alone, but I escaped. The other came after me while I was in my own skin and got put down hard.”

“I seem to recall you saying you didn’t need any guards.”

“Correct, I didn’t need any guards. I handled myself just fine.”

He snorted. “I’m sure Kat and Taya will see it the same way.”

“Good, because that’s how it is. I just wanted to make sure you guys were on the way. I’ll leave you to your sleep.”

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replied with a nod. I booped him before hopping back into the anteroom and then my own dreams.

“I gotta say, Luna’s behavior was somewhat surprising.”

“She has learned from her mistakes,” Aqua replied. “In time, she will be a very valuable tool. The coming trip will showcase her utility to the others.”

“And give me a chance to rub her belly, of course.”

“Of course. So how would you like to spend the rest of the night, hm? Cuddling, maybe?” She made a rope appear in her hands and pulled it tight. “Or maybe some domination?”

“I’d prefer to just black out.”

“Ugh, that’s so boring! Come on, Nav. Don’t you want to spend some time with your favorite elemental?”

“Flo isn’t here, unfortunately.”

That made her turn bright green. “While sticks and stones certainly won’t break my bones, your words are quite hurtful. I think it might be time for some sensitivity training!”

“I’m already sensitive enough. Twilight can usually make me cum in just a few strokes.”

She actually face-palmed. A second later, I blacked out.

When I woke up, it was to a faceful of fuzz. I immediately sneezed, which made Twilight bolt upright. That’s when I realized that I had been using her belly as a pillow. “Well good morning,” she said as I blearily looked around the room. It appeared that we were once more in the same room in the palace, though it had finally been cleaned.

“...Why was I sleeping on you?” I finally asked.

“Because I think it’s cute when you do,” she replied with a shrug. “How did you sleep?”

“Fairly well. I bumped into Luna and spoke with her some. She’ll be joining us for the coming trip.”

Her smile disappeared. “Why?”

“Because having somebody with the ability to turn into a shadow and scout wherever she wants is pretty fucking useful. So is having somebody with five thousand years of experience murdering the shit out of things while we’re attacking a place full of very powerful enemies.” She opened her mouth for a rebuttal, but I continued, “Plus I really want to rub her belly.”

Her eyes rolled and she finally said, “It’s your choice to make, but I don’t like it and I don’t think the others will either. Isn’t she in Tartarus?”

“Yeah. Celestia’s summoning her back to Canterlot, though. We don’t know why yet.”

“...Interesting. Do you have any theories?”

“One or two. I spoke to Watcher last night, too. He told me the ship should get here before noon.”

“Good. So what are your theories?”

“We’ll talk about them later. For now, don’t worry about it.”

“I kinda think I should,” she slowly said. “It worries me that Princess Celestia is summoning a mass-murdering rapist to Canterlot.”

“But it doesn’t worry you that Celestia herself is a mass-murderer?”

“It does. That’s part of why I’m worried that she’s bringing another one back. There’s no telling what they could be plotting together.”

“Let me put it this way: Luna is on my side now. That’s all I’ll say about it for the moment.”

“...I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m not going into any more detail for the moment. We’ll talk more about it later. Now, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Before I could get off the bed, she placed a hoof on one of my arms. “Nav, what’s going on?”

“I just told you,” I replied. “I’m going to take a shower. After that, I’m thinking breakfast.” I pulled away and hopped up. “See you in a few minutes.” She sighed and didn’t try to stop me as I entered the bathroom.

Once I was clean, I dried off as much as possible, covered myself in towels, and walked back into our room. Much to my surprise, we had company. What I’m pretty sure was the crown prince had apparently been talking to Twilight. The crown on his head kinda gave me that hint. She seemed relieved to see me.

“Good morning, Lady Navarone,” he said. “My sister informed me you were interested in talking.”

“I am,” I replied with a nod. “I believe we met very briefly the first time I was in Gryphus, but we were never formally introduced.”

“At the time, it didn’t seem prudent,” he said. “But now that you have become… who you are, I agree that it’s time we spoke. Then to formally introduce myself, I am Prince Hooters.”

I blinked in surprise, but recovered quickly. “And I am Lady Navarone. Sorry for my state of undress; I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I take no offense,” he warmly replied. “My father has told me about you. I don’t expect much, if any, deference. I would have sent warning, but I’m afraid my schedule is very full at the moment. I have taken on many of my father’s duties while he recovers.”

“Then I’ll cut to the chase,” I said.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“That I’ll get to the point. Or that I’ll skip all the remaining possible pleasantries. Either-or. Gilda thinks a coup is coming soon and I’m inclined to agree.”

“...It is something many of us are worried about,” he slowly said. “But I do not know what concern it is to a foreign noble.”

“If it happens, I want to help you put it down as quickly as possible.”

“Why? I have no intention of ennobling an Equestrian lady.”

“Because there’s a demonic entity called Discord that thrives off any violence in the world. He’s the same demon that destroyed my race millions of years ago and every race that’s followed after us. Now he’s free and is causing trouble again. If there’s either a coup or a civil war brewing here, I’m just about willing to guess he has his creepy fucked up fingers in it. Whatever he wants to do, I want to stop. And even if he isn’t the one stirring the pot, I still won’t allow him to gain any power from the conflict here. Plus, I need the rail line between Equestria and the Crystal Empire stable so Cadance can keep getting supplies shipped up to her.”

“Forgive me if I distrust your motives.”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again,” I replied with a nod. He lifted an eyebrow. “All you need to know is that you will have my support, one way or another. You can either officially accept it or I can have my unicorns teleport me into the heart of enemy power and kill them all myself. And when I’m done, I’ll go back home and refuse any offer of reward, no matter what it is. I’d prefer to work directly with you, but if you won’t accept my help, it won’t stop me from acting.”

“Hm. I could have you arrested for saying that.”

“You could try,” I replied, waving a hand. “But I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that Twilight could destroy this entire city in about two hours.”

“She’s really not,” Twilight said. “But I would never do that. I would just teleport us both back to Equestria, which is also within my power. And since Nav’s ship is currently on the way and it’s full of unicorns that are collectively about as powerful as I am, I would say trying to arrest her would be a very poor life choice.”

“Yeah, my daughter’s on that ship,” I said. “She wouldn’t stop at destroying the city. She would hunt you down and torture you until you’re almost dead, heal you, and then repeat the process until she got bored. Then I would have Luna teleport you to the moon, where you would immediately asphyxiate.”

“...Oh.”

“So yeah,” I said with a grin. “You want my help if a coup comes?”

“I would like that, Lady Navarone,” he said. “Why would you refuse a reward?”

“Because I have more money in my bank account right now than most governments,” I replied with a shrug. “There’s literally nothing you could give me that I’d want.”

“You are a very striking hen, Navarone,” he said. “Would you be interested in becoming a royal concubine?” Twilight’s ears twitched.

“No, but I’m flattered by the offer. If you weren’t married, I’d definitely be down to do the horizontal tango.” That would give me my second prince!

“The… what?” he slowly asked.

“Sex,” Twilight said before I could. “That one tripped me up the first time, too. Human language patterns are so fascinating!”

“Humans in general are fascinating,” Hooters said, looking me up and down. “Though I believe you looked quite different the last time I saw you. Minus your gender, of course.”

“I did look quite different. I’ve had a series of horrific mutations since then, leaving me with the disgusting body you see before you.” I dropped the towels so he could get a better look.

His eyes immediately moved to my chest, then creeped on down to my vaguber. While staring at it, he said, “I think you’re quite lovely, to be honest.”

“She only says stuff like that to fish for compliments,” Twilight said. “That’s why she dropped the towels.”

“You shut your whore mouth,” I said. “I’d flick your nose if you were closer.”

“If you keep it up, I’m playing dress up with you today,” she shot back.

“Why would you need to fish for compliments?” the prince asked. “Do you not get plenty on your own merit?”

“I actually do think my body is disgusting,” I said. “I hate just about every aspect of it. Twilight likes downplaying my problems because she’s jealous of the attention I get. That said, I dropped the towels because I like it when people stare at me lustfully, like you’re doing right now.” His eyes shot right up to my own and a huge blush covered his face. “Again, I think it’s flattering. I like the idea that some people enjoy my body, even if I don’t. Want me to bend over for you?”

“Yes, I would like that very much.”

I wasn’t actually expecting a yes, but I turned around and bent over for him. After a few seconds of thought, I lifted up my tail and looked back with a small grin. “What do you think?”

“Humans are more and more fascinating,” he said, lifting a talon. Before he could touch me, he paused. “May I? I promise not to touch anything sensitive, I just want to feel your smooth skin.”

“By all means,” I said.

He very gently rubbed the outside of my thigh. “Hm, completely hairless, yet no scales… That’s very unusual for something that isn’t an amphibian, isn’t it?”

I finally straightened up and pulled away. “That’s another one of my mutations,” I said. “Normal humans have at least some hair on their bodies. It’s usually concentrated in certain areas, like our legs, arms, genitals, and underarms. My body is nothing but an invisible mass of scar tissues that have never been healed properly, so I stopped growing hair anywhere but the top of my head.”

“Ah ha. So what caused the scars?”

“Basically fire,” Twilight replied. “It was… gruesome.”

“Not to mention about five or so years of combat,” I added with a shrug. “But the fire was the worst of it.”

“Such hardships… If you are ever interested, I will turn you into a noble here should you first renounce your claims to the Equestrian kingdom. You would not have those issues here.”

“This was a while ago,” I said, waving a hand. “And it was my daughter, who would definitely come with me.”

“...Your daughter lit you on fire?”

“She was mad I didn’t buy her that toy she wanted.” Twilight slapped me with magic. “And by that I mean it was an accident. Unicorn puberty is weird.”

“It certainly can be,” Twilight said. “I went through something similar and ended up hatching a dragon egg, then aging that dragon up several thousand years.” Showoff.

Hooters seemed somewhat impressed, at least. “I suppose a part of me never truly understood how powerful magic could be. We tell legends of the atrocities that Celestia and Luna wrought upon us when they tried to reclaim their land, but hearing first-talon accounts of what it can do is awe-inspiring.”

“Yeah, the shit’s pretty trippy,” I said. “You should try to learn it.”

He scoffed. “You jest. I have no horn!”

“Which isn’t as important as we once thought,” Twilight said. “Nav and I rediscovered a type of magic that Celestia purposefully censored that doesn’t require a horn.”

“Yeah, I dropped the books off with your dad a few months ago,” I added.

“...He did not mention those to me. Very interesting. I hadn’t considered you as a source of knowledge. Now that it occurs to me, I wonder why I never thought of it sooner. You gave my little sister quite a lot of information, didn’t you?”

“I did,” I confirmed with a nod. “She’s putting it to good use. I hope she follows a few more of my suggestions.”

“Oh?”

“I advised that she form a royal university, a place for scholars and craftsmen to create wonders.”

“And you would not do so yourself?” he asked.

“I’m not a royal, so I can’t form a royal university. But I did give a royal all the information she would need to do it herself. I also helped Moonbeam form something similar in her hives and I might try doing the same in Equestria. For the first time in a very long time, the world is slowly turning out of Celestia’s control. Her faux utopia of fascism and ignorance is rapidly coming to an end.”

That made the prince lean back. “I am… surprised to hear an Equestrian noble saying that.”

“I didn’t ask to be made a noble and I certainly didn’t want to be made a noble. Celestia is evil. Everything that’s about to happen is going to be solely on her shoulders.”

“Is there some news about Equestria that your northern neighbors should be aware of?” he slowly asked.

“Celestia’s planning on admitting to everybody that she can’t move the sun and never could,” Twilight replied. “There isn’t a timeframe on it yet, but she’s been working with Moonbeam for a while now on how to properly present things.”

“And Pyrite’s insanity has been cured,” I added. “He defeated Bahamut in a duel and united all of the Icelandic dragons under his rule. Minutes later, he sent an ultimatum to Celestia demanding the return of all the dragon eggs she had been hoarding to decentivize a war between the dragons and ponies. He’s holding steady in Iceland at the moment, but there were a few painfully long, tense days where he was poised to wipe out the entire world to sate his greed.”

“Plus you have Arachne looking north now,” Twilight said. “I imagine she could send her spider armies across that small land bridge, then up through the southern dog territories.”

“Oh yeah, I could totally see her declaring a crusade on ponies,” I said. “Her soldiers weren’t that strong individually, but she’s an actual fucking human mage. She could probably destroy this entire continent, if she wanted to.”

“And there’s all the spirits Luna improperly exorcised in Antarctica. Celestia hasn’t mentioned any more aftershocks to me, but I don’t think she trusts me like she used to. After what happened along the coast, I know she’s worried about it.”

“Plus the civil unrest brewing under her own nose. I was almost assassinated at a party a few weeks ago after I helped her take down Pertz. There’s a fairly significant faction of Equestrian nobility who is sick of her authoritarian bullshit. Censorship and lies will only take a government so far and Celestia’s tyrannical dictatorship is rapidly falling apart around her. All of her old enemies are coming back to haunt her and new ones are cropping up seemingly every day. In her paranoia, she’s driving away all of her real supporters and surrounding herself with useless sycophants.”

“I’m barely able to keep up!” the prince quickly said. “You speak of so much, my lady, yet my time is running so short. May we speak later? I honestly find myself quite intrigued by your outlook and knowledge.”

“I’d be happy to speak with you,” I said. “I mean no disrespect when I say that I think you could use my advice. Your father and youngest sister seemed to benefit from it. I offered it to Celestia, but all signs are pointing to her telling me to go fuck myself.”

“And I take no disrespect. I have learned from some of my father’s mistakes and I am dedicated to learn from Celestia’s as well. I will never turn down honest words, even if I do not like them. The dark truth is preferable to a golden lie.”

“Always,” I replied with a nod.

“Even if it took me too long to realize it,” Twilight added with her own resolute nod.

“Then for now, I will bid you a good morning,” the prince said with a nod. “I will be in communication, Lady Navarone.”

“It was nice meeting you, Prince Hooters,” I managed to say without cracking up.

He actually bowed slightly before walking away. It took a few steps for me to notice it, but I realized he had a slight limp.

As soon as he was out the door, Twilight eased it shut and then sighed in relief. “He wasn’t that bad, was he?” I asked.

“Why in the world did you bend over and lift your tail for him?!”

“I said it as a joke, but I’ve decided to be honest and open now. If I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. So if I offer to bend over and they say yes, I’m gonna bend over.”

“And then you let him touch you!”

“So? He was curious. It’s not like he was doing anything lecherous. He was watching my privates the whole time, but he never once really lost his composure and he never got hard. I’ve been a guy before. He either has ridiculous self-control or just finds me curious, not attractive.”

“He offered to make you a royal concubine!”

“That doesn’t always mean sex, unless you know something about griffin culture I don’t. Royal concubines do many things for their rulers. Offer advice, give massages, comfort you. That said, there generally is a lot of sex as well. It just doesn’t have to be about sex.”

“And you really think that’s what he meant, Nav?” she sarcastically asked.

“No, I’m just fucking with you,” I said. “I’m just a complete and total slut who loves the attention. But don’t you dare judge me, because you forced us both to get sold just because you wanted to sell for more than I did.”

“I just wanted the truth,” she huffed.

“So why were you nervous when I got out of the shower?” I asked. “Did he unnerve you?”

“Yes!” she shouted. “It’s not every day that a married crown prince openly flirts with me!”

“Oh, he was flirting with you, too?”

“He asked if you would mind him having a quickie with your servant.”

“If he wants to fuck Doppel, he can do it all he wants.”

“He meant me, you asshole!”

“Whoa now, you’re up to using the real language!” I said with a grin. “Way to go Twilight! So did you go for it?”

“Of course I did! I was just shocked that he offered… and at how weird his kink was.”

“Oooh, juicy secrets?” I asked, leaning in. “Come on, Twiggles. Spill it!”

“He made me promise…”

“So? He made a promise to his wife. If he can break his, you can break yours!”

She thought that over for a few seconds before shrugging and nodding. “Good point. He wanted me to hold him down and force him to have a prostate orgasm with magic.”

“Why would you find that weird?” I asked. “You did that to me a few times. Mind, I didn’t like it and never asked for it, but you did it anyway.”

“That was when I was love poisoned,” she replied. “It doesn’t count. And I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Aqua giggled and patted my back. “We all know you loved it, Navi. You were fighting not to ask her to do it more, later.”

Stop trying to make me believe your bullshit. That was traumatizing. “It wasn’t your fault. I blame Celestia.” And Cadance and the CMC. The ingredients they used for that potion made it go haywire.

“Which brings us back to her. It sounds like you’re planning something, Nav.”

“Yeah, planning on getting breakfast. You down? I could go for more green eggs and ham.”

“What is it?” she asked. “Nav, I’m not joking right now. If you’re planning something, tell me. Please.”

“Sit down.” She walked over to the bed and hopped up onto it. “Cast the spell to check for magical eavesdroppers.”

Her horn lit up and a purple flare filled the room. “Nothing.”

“Celestia is planning on wiping my mind, turning me into a pony, and giving me to the changelings as a food pony.” Her mouth dropped. “I’m not going to sit around and let that happen. If you want to support that bitch, then you better kill me right now. It’s me or her and it’s not gonna be her, one way or another. If you kill me right now, you’ll make me the biggest martyr this world has ever seen and Celestia’s head will be on a pike inside of two days.”

It took her several seconds to just say, “...Nav.”

“I’m sorry, Twilight. That’s how it is. I know she won’t stop with me, either. Taya will be next, then all my vassals and crew. It’ll be a complete and total purge, to the point where nobody will have ever known I even existed. I will not let that happen!”

“...Luna. That’s why Celestia’s bringing Luna to Canterlot!”

“It’s not,” I said. “Luna’s on my side, Twilight. Celestia isn’t gonna put her plan into motion any time soon. But the instant I’m ready, she’s dead.”

“Nav…”

“You have three choices, Twilight. You can go and tell Celestia what I said. You can stand back and do nothing. Or you can support me. I want you to look at your options very carefully and then decide.”

She slowly shook her head. “I made my decision as soon as you told me what she planned. That mare is a demon!”

“Cool beans. You’ll be happy to know that Cadance and your brother are also planning on joining our revolution. So is Moonbeam and a few others. At this point, we might have enough raw magical power to take her down.”

“Then I say we do it,” Twilight said. “Luna’s being summoned back to Canterlot. I say we take advantage of that opportunity and just get it over with.”

“That seems to be the common consensus,” I sighed. “But I don’t want to do it before we get done at Tartarus. Without you, me, and Luna there to help run things, there will likely be problems. Celestia knows I’m too valuable at the moment. Until I get all the elements of harmony, she’ll allow me to continue existing. And in truth, if she ever tried, I have a feeling Discord would stop her. His only desire so far seems to be for me to make choices. As a food pony, the only choice I’ll get is how hard I fight as they turn me into a sex slave. Which, to be quite honest, probably wouldn’t be very hard. I might even enjoy it. But the point is, I’m not gonna let her do that to my daughter or the rest of my followers.”

She stared at me in silence for a few more long seconds before shaking her head and asking, “What are your plans for the future, then? Who is going to take Celestia’s place?”

“I have a few ideas for that. Everybody important is going to convene at the Crystal Empire once we get done with the bunker. I’ll be asking Moonbeam to join us over the magic mirror she gave me. I plan on revealing those ideas then and seeing what people think about them.”

“Well, tell me now,” she replied. “Maybe I can help you refine them. Celestia is evil, but she’s good at keeping the peace. I want to know you have a plan to keep things from spiraling out of control.”

“The end result I’m going for is a society where all or almost all needs are fulfilled with magically fueled technology.”

“...Like the ring!”

“Exactly. That isn’t what gave me the idea, but it’s a perfect example of it. The biggest drawback to the technology of my people is that, at first, we had no clean ways of generating it. Pollution was rampant. We quite literally destroyed a good chunk of the environment to obtain the fuel for our machines and drove hundreds of species extinct doing it. By the time we actually had the capability of fueling the entire planet easily with clean energy, there were too many corporations profiting off of the unclean stuff that it never took off. If we can use magic to fuel the machines instead, we won’t have to do all that. To keep the peace, we consolidate power and form an oligarchy where we regularly get together and discuss things that are going on in our area. With magic to help us communicate and fair, just rulers in place, I believe we have a chance at making it work.”

“That’s… very long-term. More than I was expecting from you, to be honest. You never cease to amaze me, Nav.”

“Love the backhanded compliment. Thanks for that.”

“You give them all the time, so I assumed you did. You’re very welcome! So is that why you asked Gilda to form a royal university?”

“It is. We’re going to talk with Moonbeam about forming something similar. I’ll also look into doing it in Canterlot, though I probably won’t take a super active role.”

“I’d be happy to!” Twilight quickly replied. “I would never say no for the chance to help spread your vision, especially if it means I get to play with human technology!”

“Excellent. I’m happy to have you with us, Twilight. We’ve all been worried what you would do when you found out.”

She blinked. “You were… worried about what I’d do?”

“Well, some of us were. Mostly me, Cadance, and your brother. They actually wanted to be there when I told you, but you kinda forced my hand.”

“You were worried about what choice I would make?”

“Yes. I know you’re my friend, but Celestia is your teacher. I thought you would help me, but I could never be sure.”

“I’m a lot more than just your friend!”

“Yes, you are. You’re my wonderful little Twiggles.”

“I know I said I’d stop, but I just can’t resist this time!” She floated me over with magic so she could nuzzle me. As soon as she was done, she put me back down.

“So, breakfast?”

She looked down at my freshly cleaned vagina and licked her lips. My period had thankfully stopped, so it was still good to go. “I think it’s definitely time for breakfast!”

“If you must,” I sighed. She barely waited for the words to be out of my mouth before grabbing me (with her hooves, thankfully) and pulling me onto the bed for some sexy fun time.

Once that business was over and done with, I got dressed and we went in search of either real food or Gilda. Fortunately, we found Gilda as soon as we stepped out of our room. Unfortunately, it was the wrong Gilda and she looked kinda upset. Spike seemed amused, at least. “We made a deal, Sparkle!”

“You can blame Princess Gilda for that,” Twilight said. “I was going to give Nav to you yesterday, but she forced us to go to her private hot springs instead.”

“I made that deal with you, not her. You had all week!”

“I’m gonna let you handle this one, honey,” I said, patting Twilight on the back. “Let’s go find breakfast, Spike.”

“What?!” Twilight demanded.

Gilda grinned and shot forward, grabbing one of Twilight’s front legs. “If you two just came outta this room, I bet you got a bed in there. I’ll do to you what I was gonna do to her!” Before Twilight could protest, Gilda dragged her into our room and slammed the door.

“...What was that about?” Spike asked.

“No clue. Breakfast?”

“I’m down.”

“Cool. Follow me.” I started leading him to Gilda’s workshop. “So how did you find us?”

“We asked a servant. Gilda’s a noble and it’s not every day that a dragon shows up asking for a guest, so they just gave us directions and sent us on our way.”

“Wow. That is terrible security. The princess almost got assassinated two days ago. You’d think they would have at least given you an escort.”

“Yeah, we heard about that. Apparently you’re even more of a hero here now. We also heard you won the tournament after beating a dragon in hand to claw combat.”

“Yep, sure did.”

“I believe the correct term is… bullshit, right?”

“I had some magical help. And I kinda sorta cheated a little on my own. But it was all to protect the princess! There was an assassin on the loose!”

“What was it you said? Something about rubbing that forbidden princess belly?”

“...I had to make it convincing.”

He giggled and asked, “So how was she?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Uh huh. Sure. I guess that puts another princess on your scoresheet, doesn’t it?” My grin was enough of an answer for him. He slapped me on the back. “You’re livin’ the dream, Nav!”

“The only thing it needs to make it perfect is a dick between my legs instead of this bullshit vag.”

“To be fair, it’s a very cute bullshit vag. I like how pink it is.”

“Thanks. I love how your dick has little bumps on it. They really add texture when you’re fucking someone.”

“If you ever wanna try ‘em out, just let me know.”

“Will do.” But don’t get your hopes up.

Gilda’s section of the palace wasn’t all too large, so we made it to her workshop quickly. Two guards were stationed outside of it. They allowed us in with no trouble and we saw the princess speaking to Matilda.

“Why are you still here?” Matilda asked as soon as we entered.

“Because I’m a guest of your princess,” I replied. “Gilda, aren’t griffin guests supposed to be treated with honor and respect by all staff?”

“They are,” Gilda said. It seemed from her stance that she was already pissed off with Matilda and that gave her an opening. “If you find yourself incapable of performing a servant’s duties, perhaps you should be reassigned.”

“After everything that this beast has done?!”

“Navarone saved my life!” Gilda shouted. “If you can’t show her respect for that, then get out!”

I don’t know if it was the smug grin on my face or Gilda’s tone, but Matilda shrieked and leapt at me, talons outstretched. Before she could get a quarter of the way to me, Spike wrapped his claw around her neck before throwing her across the room so hard she passed out when she hit the wall.

“Holy shit, what a bitch,” I said. “Thanks, Spike.”

“Happy to help,” he said, patting me on my shoulder.

“You do me yet another service,” Gilda sighed, sounding relieved. “Now I have every right to fire that awful hen once and for all.”

“You couldn’t have done it after the first time she attacked me? Or the second?”

“There were no witnesses for the first,” she replied. “And I did not know about the second. That was a commendable throw, dragon. I believe I recognize you, though I’m afraid I don’t know from where.”

“I’m Spike,” he said. “I’m with Nav’s crew. I was here on vacation with the other Gilda and wanted to meet up with Nav today before the ship arrived.”

“We should probably get her to a doctor,” I said, looking over at Matilda. “That probably fucked her up big time.”

Gilda walked over to the door and said, “Guards, enter.” They both filed in. Their eyes immediately moved to Matilda. They only processed that for a second before jumping in between us and Gilda. “Stand down,” she said. “Matilda attacked Nav and the dragon defended her. Take her to a doctor and then toss her in the coldest, most miserable cell we have until I decide how to handle this.”

They both shared a look before bowing to her. “At once, princess,” one said. They gathered the poor old woman up and carried her out.

“Now I’m in a much better mood,” the princess said, turning to us with a grin. “Good morning, Nav. How was your talk with my brother?”

“It went well. I promised him my support if a coup happens. We ended up speaking about a lot more. I have a feeling we’ll have more conversations in the future.”

“Excellent. My family will thrive with your support. If there is any way we can ever help you, just let us know.”

“Breakfast would be nice.”

“Then breakfast you shall have! Come.” We walked back into the hallway and down the path from which we came. “So where is Twilight Sparkle this morning?”

“The other Gilda is doing horrifically lewd things to her at the moment,” I said. “Something about a deal that Twilight flaked on. I don’t know the details.”

“Ah. Quite a life you lead, allowing so many others to take advantage of your marefriend.”

“It’s a give and take relationship. If we ever got super serious, that would probably stop.”

“Nav’s just too much of a slut for one mare to handle right now,” Spike said.

“Hey, I’m a lady,” I said with a fancy z-snap.

“Yeah, a slutty one.”

“I mean, I can’t deny it.”

“That’s because it’s undeniable,” Gilda said.

“If you two are gonna keep ganging up on me, you might as well make it fun.”

“Truly, it’s a self-evident fact,” she replied. “Surely you can calm the fire in your loins long enough to obtain breakfast.”

“That’s a hard one to ask,” Spike said. “She usually gets woken up with oral at home.”

“Having a slutty changeling maid is enjoyable,” I replied. “And so is having Kat as a blood servant.”

“Do your guests receive such treatment as well?” Gilda asked.

“It could be arranged. Why? Need a place to stay for the pageant?”

“...Perhaps. Hm. Yes, we will go with perhaps for now.” Spike and I high-fived behind her back. She either didn’t notice or didn’t say anything.

Breakfast was pretty good. Instead of green eggs and ham, it was deer steak and hashbrowns. Gilda had apparently already eaten and left after we were served, so Spike and I traded lewd stories about what we had been up to over the week. I had the better stories, of course.

When we were done eating, we started walking back the way we came. “Are you sure you know where we’re going?” Spike asked.

“I have a good sense of direction,” I replied as I let Aqua guide my steps. “I kinda doubt Gilda is done with Twilight yet, but we can probably play around in the other Gilda’s workshop if not.”

“Should we really fiddle with her machines?” Spike asked.

“Not if she isn’t in there, no. And if she’s not, we probably don’t have that much longer until the ship arrives.”

“About an hour,” Aqua replied. “Maybe a little bit more. I can’t wait to call you my precious little cherry blossom in person, Navi!”

I ignored her and continued, “Once it does, we’ll get with Princess Gilda and go over the briefing for the bunker. She apparently has a few useful resources for us. And once we get under way, Luna will come and provide more insight.”

“Luna?!”

“Yes.”

“Why?!”

“Because she’s useful. If she wants to pay off her debt for what she did by helping me, I’m not gonna deny her.”

“But—”

“This isn’t up for debate, Spike. She’s helping us here and she’ll be helping us in Tartarus.”

“...How can you be so against Celestia, yet you’re putting Luna to use?”

“Luna abdicated her throne when she came to the realization that she’s too evil and fucked up to have any kind of power. Celestia’s holding onto hers with an iron fist. I can help Luna. Celestia’s too far gone.”

“Oh. Alright, yeah, that does make sense. But I’ll be keeping my eye on her!”

“Good.” We finally turned the corner to the hallway with my room. The entire wall was covered in purple magic, so I just kept walking past it.

“...Are you sure we’re going the right way?” Spike asked when we got to the door. “I feel the itching under my scales, the same one I always feel around magic.”

“Yeah, that was my room. But the wall is magically soundproofed, so I know they’re still going at it. Unless you want to join them, we’re just gonna keep on walking.”

He hurried to catch up. “How can you tell it’s soundproofed?”

“The wall is glowing purple. That’s why you’re itching. Twilight usually does that when lewd things are going on.”

“Oh, that’s why I never hear anything! That makes sense. I’m kinda surprised you don’t wanna join them, though.”

“I would, but I don’t want you to feel left out. I don’t think you’d be down with doing things to Twilight.”

“...Right. I mean, since they’re having fun… we could, too. You know, if you were interested...”

“I wouldn’t mind a massage, but I’m honestly all sexed out at the moment. This festival was draining and Twilight has been super needy.”

“O-oh…”

“You can just say no,” Aqua whispered. “He would be fine with that. You don’t have to come up with excuses.”

You could just mind your own business. I would be fine with that. You don’t have to come up with things to say.

Apparently that didn’t merit a response.

Thankfully, Gilda was back in her shop, once more with her entire body hanging out of whatever she was working on. Spike and I appreciated the view for a few moments before letting ourselves in. “Need any help?” I asked.

“Pass me a wrench,” she replied from within the contraption. There was a toolkit next to her lower half, so I grabbed a wrench and passed it to her.

“Did you build all of these yourself?” Spike asked, gazing around the room.

“Yes, though Nav gave me most of the designs.”

“What are you working on now?” he asked as she started banging on something inside the large hollow contraption.

“A diving bell for our navy,” she replied. “This one is my own design. There’s a sunken ship not too far off the coast with something important on it. It’s too deep for free-divers, but not too deep that the pressure would kill.”

“Lower it slowly,” I said. “And let the people inside it determine the speed. The pressure down there doesn’t fuck around. And the instant they find whatever they’re looking for, pull them back.”

“Of course. Do humans have experience with diving?”

“Yeah. We built boats that could go underwater. They were called submarines. We also had ways individuals could stay underwater for prolonged periods of time.”

She finally pushed herself out of the diving bell. “Anything that we could build with our current technology levels?”

“...Maybe? The tech is honestly very basic, but getting all the air you’d need into the tank would be difficult. You’re better off just asking Twilight to teach your court mages the spells they’d need. I’m pretty sure she has spells for resisting pressure and for breathing underwater.”

She looked at the wrench in her talons before sighing and dropping it into the toolbox. “Where is she, then?”

“Hey, I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you. But Twilight could help your military get that shit tomorrow instead of in months.”

“I’m aware,” she said. “Just about every piece of technology you showed me is something that magic could do faster. That said, I believe technology would outpace magic in the end, especially in terms of accessibility for the common griffin. Right now, we need to get down to that boat. In the future, we can work on making it so that everybody can go underwater whenever they choose.”

“Then I’m afraid she’s currently indisposed. I’d be happy to help you work on this until she’s done or my ship gets here, though.”

She only seemed conflicted for a moment before grinning. “I think I would like that. Here, help me back in.”

“Spike, come hold this thing up for us,” I said.

“I dunno, Nav,” he said as he walked over. “That thing looks kinda heavy.”

“Just give it a try. If you can’t do it, that’s fine.”

He shrugged and wrapped his scaly arms around it. He heaved up and, after a few seconds, managed to lift it. Just a moment later, he set it back down. “Nope, can’t do it. Sorry, Nav.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I finally placed my hands together under the entrance to the bell. Gilda placed one of her talons into them and used that to push herself back into it. With me and Spike to pass her tools, she was able to keep her entire body in the contraption.

About thirty minutes later, a dazed Twilight and a very smug Gilda walked in. OG nodded at us. “What up, nerds?” she warmly asked.

“Not much. Did you settle that problem?”

“Sure did,” Gilda asked, slapping Twilight on the ass. My mare squeaked and jumped. “I guess I’ll be settling with you some time later, Nav.”

“I can’t wait. Twilight, can you help Gilda with something?”

“She already did,” OG replied, slapping Twilight’s poor booty once more.

“Will you stop that?!” Twilight asked. In reply, Gilda slapped her a third time. Twilight (gently) punted her across the room with magic. “What does the princess need?”

PG’s head poked out of the bell. “Nav says you know a spell for breathing underwater and another spell for dealing with pressure. Is that true?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Will you teach them to one of our court unicorns? We need to recover something in a sunken ship.”

“Oh, of course. Or if you’d like, I can write them down. I’ll need magic ink, thick paper, and a high quality quill, though.”

“I’ll have them fetched at once,” PG replied, finally jumping out of the bell. She managed to land gracefully this time. “Wait here.”

She left the room with what looked like a small spring in her step. Once we could no longer hear her walking down the hall, Twilight grunted. “Getting laid did her a world of good!”

“Right?” I said.

OG smirked. “How was she, Nav? Nice and tight?”

“No comment.”

“Uh huh. We’ll see how long that lasts. You’ll be bragging all about it soon.”

“No comment.”

“Suuuure. So how did you enjoy a little bit of true griffin culture?”

“It was interesting,” I replied. “Twilight and I were both in disguise as ponies, so we got to see a few unique aspects of it.”

“Such as?” Gilda sweetly asked.

“The Running of the Ponies,” Twilight said. “I got caught. Nav escaped.”

Gilda clapped her talons together. “Nicely done! How’d you manage it?”

“Taking frequent turns, using back alleys, and dipping into buildings. The griffins all loved it.”

“Why?” Spike asked. “I thought the goal was to catch you.”

“Nope,” Gilda said. “The goal is to hunt. Catching you is the reward. But there’s nothing better than finding worthy prey.”

“Most of them seemed upset that ponies generally try to lose,” I said. “They liked that I actually tried.”

“Huh. I suppose that makes sense,” Spike slowly said.

“No it doesn’t,” Twilight said. “Griffins are crazy. Who’d actually want to hunt somebody down?”

“Predators, duh,” I said. “After the hunt, we got sold at an auction. I ended up getting sold to some super rich, socially awkward dude. After fucking him, he asked me to marry him.”

“What did you say?” Spike asked.

“Twilight cast a spell on me earlier that allowed me to teleport back to a certain point if I spoke a certain word. So I said that word.”

“Harsh!” Gilda said. “But I gotta say, it’s the best comeback a hen could have.”

“He ended up putting wanted posters up for me, offering a hundred bit bounty.”

“And there’s an example of taking the hunt too far,” Gilda said. “Talk about creepy. How did you handle it?”

“By turning back into a human. Good luck finding somebody that never really existed. Then I participated in a tournament.”

“I heard about that,” Gilda said. “They said you beat a dragon!”

“With my help,” Twilight said. “We were worried about an attempt on the princess’s life, so Nav entered the contest to protect her.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “That’s why we cheated. I entered because Gilda asked me to. But I guess it’s not a very important point.”

“She was awful quick to suggest cheating, though,” Twilight said.

“She didn’t suggest it. She commanded it. First I fought a famous griffin named Sir Deathnail.”

“And nailed him to the wall,” Twilight smugly said.

“Then I fought a dog named Rin Tin Tin.”

“And pounded that puppy into the dirt.”

“Next it was a minotaur named Iron Will.”

“You really rocked his world!” Spike and Gilda looked at each other, sharing a moment of pain. I sympathized, but refused to contradict my mare.

“Finally it was that dragon named Ithys. And I didn’t so much beat him as I did convince him to give up.”

“How’d you do that?” Gilda asked.

“By squeezing the back of his tail and threatening to make him cum if he didn’t.”

“You what?!” Twilight demanded while Gilda and Spike laughed.

“Did I not mention that? I thought for sure we talked about this.”

“You molested a teenager in front of everybody!”

“I swear we talked about this.”

“Oh, we’re gonna be talking about this, missy!”

“Lay off, Twilight,” Spike said, still struggling to hold back giggles. “It’s not a big deal!”

“Threatening to force a teenager to cum in front of an entire audience isn’t a big deal?!”

Gilda scoffed. “Well it is when you word it like that,” she sarcastically replied.

“You keep calling him a teenager, but you didn’t have any problem with me having an actual relationship with Kumani,” I said.

“Uh, yeah I did. Most of us did, in fact. Mind, that had less to do with her age and more to do with her maturity, but—”

“It’s not like I had any other choice,” I said. “There was no other way I could beat that guy. Judging from some of what he was doing, he was fully intending to kill me. At the very least, he certainly didn’t seem to care if I lived. It was either do that, give up, or possibly get killed.”

“Nav, how many times have you been molested?”

“I get your point, Twilight. I really do. But I’m pretty sure dragons don’t really consider that molestation. I saw plenty of dragons grappling in Iceland and they didn’t shy away from the tail.”

“Sure it was just grappling?” Gilda asked with a smirk.

“No, but I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be a crowd standing around and cheering for a couple having sex. If there had been a better way, I wouldn’t have used his tail to beat him. As it was, everything worked out in the end.”

“Until he tells somebody how you won!” Twilight said. “What are you gonna do when it’s all in the papers?”

“Nothing. It’s not like I broke the rules. He did give up. It might be bad form, but again, I don’t think anyone would call it molestation. You’re just making a mountain over a molehill.”

She opened her mouth to retort, but Princess Gilda walked in, followed by a servant with all kinds of writing materials. “Will these do?” she asked.

Twilight narrowed her eyes at me for a moment before turning to look at what Gilda brought. After appraising them for a moment, she nodded. “Yes, the materials are high enough quality. I can transcribe both spells with this. Give me somewhere quiet to work and fifteen minutes.”

PG turned to the servant. “Lead her to a sitting room. Return her here when she is finished.”

The servant bowed. “As you command, princess.” He stood back up and faced Twilight. “Please come with me.” The two of them thankfully dipped, leaving the room feeling slightly lighter.

“So what did I miss?” PG asked.

“Nav molested a dragon,” OG said.

PG looked from me to Spike a few times before focusing her gaze on me. “Can you not control yourself for five minutes?!”

“This was at the tournament,” I said, rolling my eyes. “That’s how I defeated the dragon. I pressed down on his tail until he surrendered.”

She blinked a few times. “...What does that do?”

OG reached over and pressed down on the base of Spike’s tail. He moaned and the tip of his dragonhood poked out of its sheath. “That’s what it does,” OG said.

Spike replied by using his tail to slap her ass.

“You all have problems,” PG sighed, shaking her head. “But I suppose that carnal victory helped safeguard my life, so I will not complain.”

Before we could continue the vocal equivalent of shitposting, a guard stepped in and bowed toward PG. “An airship bearing Lady Navarone’s heraldic symbol approaches.” About time.

“Take Nav and his friends to meet them at the skydock. I’ll send a messenger there once I have everything ready for the briefing.”

“We have a briefing room on the ship,” I said. “But if you have a bigger, more comfortable briefing room, that would also work.”

“I do. Bring your officers when I send the messenger. I will also be sure to collect Twilight, since I’m sure you would be upset if we just left her here.”

I’d probably get over it. “Then we’ll head that way,” I replied with a nod. The guard led us out into the hallway, picked a direction, and started walking that way. We followed.

“So where are we going after this, again?” OG asked.

“A human installation,” I replied.

“You mean like the one where you got attacked by ghosts?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome! I knew traveling with you was the right move!”

“How is that a good thing?” Spike asked.

“It confirms an afterlife,” Gilda replied with a shrug. “Who cares about dying if it means I get to roam around, messing with the living for all eternity?”

“Then you can go in first,” I replied. “I don’t have a soul, so when I die, I’m done.”

The guard leading us looked back at me with a grin. “You’re being too harsh on yourself, my lady. You may be rough around the edges, but you have a wonderful soul!”

“I mean that literally, not figuratively,” I said. “I’m a magical construct, not actually alive. I’m working on getting a soul, but I don’t currently have one.”

“Uhhh… Huh.”

“It’s a long, weird story,” Spike said, waving a claw. He actually picked me up and snuggled me close. “It’s okay, though. We all love her anyway!”

I immediately replied, “Gay.”

Gilda nodded and added, “Super gay.”

The guard apparently also wanted to be cool, so he turned his head back to the front and said, “Super duper gay.”

Spike sighed and set me back down, his cute little ear spine things hanging low. I patted him on the shoulder. “That’s okay, Spike. I’m sure Rarity would still be happy to find you a date. I’m sure she’d be even happier to find you a pretty dress!”

“Eat a dick, Nav,” he replied.

“I think Gilda’s already got a claim on yours.” The guard stopped in his tracks and stared at me in shock and horror. “This Gilda,” I said, poking Gilda’s fluffy neck. “Not Princess Gilda.”

He sighed in relief and continued. “You had me worried there for a moment, my lady. I would hate to have to try and arrest a dragon for defiling our princess.”

Spike grinned and said, “Then you’ll wanna arr—”

Gilda cut him off with a very harsh looking kick to his ribs, making him lose his breath. “Having issues, there?” she sweetly asked.

Spike glared at her, but thankfully kept his mouth shut. The guard didn’t say a word.

The ship hadn’t actually docked at the skyport by the time we arrived, but it was only a few minutes away. We sent the guard on his way while all three of us flew over to it. When I got about halfway there, I got teleported into the warm and fuzzy legs of my daughter. I hugged her back, because I can occasionally pretend to be a good mother.

“I missed you sooooo much, mommy!” she finally said.

“I missed you too, honey,” I whispered. “Twilight just isn’t the right kind of squishy.”

“Ugh, I’m not squishy!”

“It’s okay, Taya,” I replied. “I love you, squish and all. But since I’m sure you’ve been skimping on your running, we’ll have to make up for lost time!”

“Mommy, no!”

“Mommy yes,” I replied, finally pulling back. She still looked pretty happy to see me, at least. “Did you have fun while I was gone?”

“No. But I’m looking forward to the trip to the bunker! I bet I’ll get to blow up all kinds of stuff!”

That’s my adorable little psychopath! “Probably. You didn’t enjoy any of your classes?”

“Well… maybe one or two.”

Gourd cleared his throat from next to us. “She gushes about all of them to Doppel every day, my lady.” My adorable little daughter’s face turned bright red.

“Good. I’m glad you’re enjoying your classes, Taya. Have you made any friends?”

“No…”

I looked up at Gourd. He shrugged. I looked back down at Taya and tousled her hair. “That’ll change. Now then, I’m gonna head down to my room real quick. Gourd, get Watcher and meet me down there in five minutes.”

“You got it, my lady,” he replied with a nod. Taya walked next to me, pushing up against my leg with every step.

All the crew and guards I passed seemed happy to see me, each one smiling and saluting as I passed. It made me feel slightly better than it should have. Seeing the water elementals poking their watery heads over the side filled me with trepidation, but I ignored it and continued down into the gloomy depths of the ship.

For some reason, my claustrophobic room felt very comforting and I fell onto my bed with a sigh. “So how was your week-long date?” Taya sweetly asked.

“An experience,” I replied into the pillow. I finally pushed myself back up and checked the drawer. Thankfully, there were real clothes in there, things that weren’t miniskirts and tiny dresses.

“A fun experience?” she asked as I started pulling out clothes. She pushed the door shut with magic when I kicked off my shoes.

“Some of it, yeah. Griffin culture is surprisingly open. There was tons of sex going on all over the place.”

“...Wow. And uh… it’s still going on, right?”

“Yeah. I think today is the last day. Twilight and I both got laid a ton.”

“Um. You… you mean by each other, right?”

“That too. Mostly random griffins, though. We were in disguise. We even got to be sold at an auction as girlfriends!”

“What?!”

“Yeah, it was definitely an experience.” I finally finished getting redressed, so I fell back down onto the bed. “I missed home, though.”

“Good.” She hopped up next to me and fell on top of me. “So… it wasn’t actually a date, was it?”

“I’m really not sure what you would classify it as. We did spend a lot of time together, but not much of it was really romantic. A lot of it was her being annoying, but I was usually just as annoying. So all in all, it was an experience.”

“Sounds like it. So you get to pick the next event, right? What are you planning?”

“I wasn’t, actually.”

“Well you should! Especially after she went through all this effort to put this trip together for you!”

That’s a fair point, I guess. “I’ll think about it.”

A knock at the door cut off any more conversation. Taya opened it with magic, allowing Watcher and Gourd to enter.

“Welcome back,” Watcher said with a nod. “How was your trip?”

“Interesting. Griffin culture is very different to what I’m used to.”

“That it is,” he replied. “I believe you mentioned bounty hunters?” Taya gasped and stared at me in shock.

“I did,” I said. “Apparently someone in China put a bounty out on me. I got attacked by two different hunters. One was a standard grizzled fighter and the other was a very dangerous and magically boosted assassin. The assassin is dead and the fighter is no longer interested in me.”

“And you didn’t tell me?!” Taya demanded.

“Yes I did. I literally just did.”

“Why didn’t you have any guards?” she asked.

“I didn’t need them and I didn’t want them. That said, I won’t be going anywhere without them for a while. That’s the first point on the agenda.”

“What are we gonna do about the bounty?” Watcher asked.

“Nothing for now. Any bounty hunters who wanna try their luck against me and mine are welcome to.”

“That’s dumb,” Gourd said. “Why invite attacks like that?”

“Because I don’t really think anyone would be dumb enough to actually try attacking me while I’m surrounded by my people. Especially in Canterlot. I’ll deal with it in time.”

“Never discount desperation,” Watcher said. “And greed can be even worse. Any bounty against you is sure to be huge. Possibly huge enough for several bounty hunters to work together.”

“I have more important shit on my plate than dealing with a bounty. I’ll be at the bunker soon, then probably in a coma, and then I have some stupid beauty pageant thing. After that will be Tartarus. When exactly am I supposed to make time to go to the exact opposite side of the world to deal with this? And why, when I probably won’t be outside or open to attack for very long to begin with?”

“It is, of course, your choice,” Watcher said, bowing his head.

“The second reason I brought you here involves my lovely little daughter,” I said. “As I’m sure you both know, she ordered Kat to do something absolutely fucking retarded.”

“Did not!” she immediately shouted.

“So from now on, if she orders you to do something you know would piss me off, you come to me first. That also goes for her ordering you to do something stupid.”

“That’s not fair!” Taya said. “They’re my vassals too!”

“They are,” I said. “And they’re your vassals with orders to disobey any order you give them that’s dumb as fuck. I’ll be giving Kat this same talk, so don’t think you can get away with using her instead.”

“What about your dumb orders?” Gourd asked.

“Tell me why they’re dumb and we’ll talk it over.”

“Why can’t they talk my dumb orders over with me?!” Taya demanded.

“Fine. You two can tell Taya why her orders are dumb. If she orders you to do it anyway, then you come to me.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Watcher said before my daughter could reply.

“And like a good idea,” Gourd added with a nod. “Is that order gonna go for all the crew as well? And the soldiers?”

“When in doubt, they should either come to me or you.”

“Not fair at all,” my precious daughter muttered with an adorable little pout on her face.

“Then you shouldn’t have abused your position,” I said. “You did something you knew I would be mad about. Did you expect me to just take that sitting down?”

“I was certainly hoping!”

“Well, too bad. The third thing is that Luna is going to be joining us for the trip to the bunker.”

“Why?” Watcher immediately asked.

“Because she’s very powerful and I figure we need every bonus we can get. And for a few other reasons. Taya, cast the spell to check for magical eavesdroppers.”

Her horn lit up and a light pulsed out from it. “Nothing, mommy.”

“Celestia summoned Luna back to Canterlot. Luna thinks Celestia’s making her move against me when we get back from the bunker. I want all of my pieces in place before we get back just in case. Having Luna working with us for a week or two means she’ll have a chance to warm up before facing off against Celestia.”

“Do you really think it’s coming to that?” Watcher slowly asked.

“No. I think Celestia has something else in mind, but I don’t know what. It’s got me worried, but not for my safety. Cadance, Shining Armor, Twilight, and Moonbeam are also standing with us.”

“So you finally spoke to Twilight about it?” Taya asked.

“I did. She chose to side with me, or so she said. I really hope she was telling the truth.” Not that it matters, since there’s probably no way Celestia will actually turn on me.

“We’ll test her with the truth spell,” Watcher said. “So how are we to treat Luna?”

“That’s up to you,” I said. “I won’t dictate your behavior. All I ask is that you not be violent. Whether you give her the cold shoulder or a piece of your mind is up to you.”

“I’m gonna yell at her a lot,” Taya said with a sinister looking grin.

“Have fun with that. Do it when I’m not around. Now, I’ll close with this: Princess Gilda is going to be sending a messenger here soon. Once he arrives, we’ll follow him to a meeting room where we’ll go over everything we know about the bunker and begin formulating plans of attack.”

“I actually feel better with Luna on our side,” Gourd said. “She may be insane, but that can be a good thing when directed properly.”

“Kat is a good example,” Watcher said. “Something inside of her checked out a long time ago, but you put her to good use. If you can manage to do the same with Luna, you’ll be in a very good place.”

“...Are you calling Kat insane?” Taya asked.

“Yes.”

“She is insane,” Gourd added. “Terrifyingly so.” Didn’t stop you from having wet dreams about her. But then, the crazy ones are always the best in bed.

“Yeah, insanely hot,” I said. “And also very mentally unstable, probably to a dangerous degree. But all signs point to her being unerringly loyal, so I can live with that. From everything I’ve seen, Luna is the same way. Time will tell, but I feel confident that she’ll prove useful.”

“Just watch yourself, my lady,” Watcher said. “She and her sister are wily.”

“If I can’t trust any of the links in the chain we’ve built to depose Celestia, I already lost. I will be wary, but I have to trust her.”

“So what’s the plan for today?” Gourd asked. “What are we doing after we get briefed by the princess?”

“We’ll decide after the fact. I’m okay with giving everyone a day of R&R here at the festival before we move on.”

“What’s R&R?” Taya asked.

“Rest and relaxation,” Watcher answered for me. “I think that’s a fine idea. I wouldn’t mind partaking in some of what the festival has to offer.”

“The other option is to leave as soon as the briefing is done. I don’t really care either way. I’m in a hurry to get this show on the road, but I’d be happy to let everyone enjoy what’s left of the festival.”

“All of my guards would have fun celebrating what’s left of the festival with their lady,” Watcher said. “And more to the point, you’re asking them to do something very dangerous and none of them know why. I feel like it would be a good chance for you to explain it to them.”

“Yeah, I had some questions about that, actually,” Gourd said.

Taya sniffed and almost said something rude and snotty, but I pinched her. “I’m gonna try and answer as many questions as I can at the briefing. I know that this isn’t something a lot of people want to do.”

“Silver Quill apparently wrote a full fifteen wills,” Watcher said. “She didn’t give me any details, though.”

“Why the fuck is that bitch working? I specifically remember telling her to take a vacation.”

“Nav, you’re doing something stupid,” Watcher said. “Stop trying to fight it. This. Is. Stupid. We’re literally on the doorstep of wrestling power from Celestia. So why are we assaulting a compound in the middle of nowhere?!”

“What’s happening with Celestia right now affects you and me tomorrow. What I think is in that bunker affects the entire world forever. I think what’s in there will help us change everything. I said it from the beginning and I said it to everybody: I am doing what I think is right. If you don’t like it, find a new lady. At the moment, your options are a little bit limited. You and your soldiers have very valuable skills, Watcher. I’d be happy to give you a glowing recommendation if you want to take your business elsewhere. As for myself, I’m going into that bunker if I have to fucking walk.”

“You won’t be walking,” Gourd said. “Since, you know, you own the boat.”

“I’m not saying we won’t follow you,” Watcher coldly replied. “We want to know why. We want you to slow down and take the time to explain to us why we’re doing this.”

“Yeah, that’s the point of the briefing. I understand that this decision isn’t popular. Am I going to have issues with it despite that?”

“Absolutely not,” Gourd said. “Your word is law. Even if I don’t understand, I’ll obey.”

“The responsibility of power is going to be on you this time,” Watcher said. “We’ll obey, but every death will be at your feet.”

“Every death was already at my feet, so nothing’s changed. I’d feel guilt if anybody died following any of my orders. But I refuse to feel extra guilty because somebody is following an order they don’t want to follow. I’m not forcing anybody to do anything. I am going to the bunker. You guys can do whatever. If you think going there is dumb and you follow me anyway, that’s on you.”

“We usually have more to go on than hunches and feelings,” Watcher said. “It would put our minds at ease to find there’s actually something there worth getting.”

“We’ll go over everything at the briefing.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Was there anything else?”

“Princess Gilda will be joining us on our trip. She might bring a few retainers, but we’ll be in charge of security.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Watcher said.

“It’s a non-negotiable part of a personal agreement,” I said. “Personally, I think it’s dumb as fuck. I’ll be making arrangements to make sure nothing comes back on us if something happens to her.”

“Good.”

“She’ll be sending a messenger to the ship shortly. I’ll be here when he arrives.”

“I’ll let you know when he gets here,” Gourd said.

“And I’ll be ready to go when he does,” Watcher added. With that, the two of them finally left. Taya’s horn lit up and the door closed behind them.

“So why are we going to the bunker again?” Taya asked.

“Reasons. We’ll talk about it at the briefing. I don’t like repeating myself.”

She shrugged and fell onto me. “You don’t need a reason, mommy. Just point and I’ll go.”

“I know, honey. You’re my adorable, psychopathically loyal little girl.”

“Yep!”

Aqua sniffed. “I can’t believe you just called your own daughter a psychopath.”

She agreed.

“Of course she agreed. You said it. She would say the sky was green if you told her it was.”

“Taya, would you say the sky is green if I told you it was?”

“No, that’s dumb.”

“Yeah. It is.”

Aqua kept her whore mouth shut and let me cuddle my daughter in peace.

Soon enough, I found myself in an actual war room. I was joined by Taya, Brook, Flo, Aqua, Princess Gilda, Twilight, Watcher, Gourd, and a very fluffy red cat named Felix.

“So what do we have on this place?” I asked Gilda.

She turned to the cat beside her. He cleared his throat and pulled a map out of his coat. When he went to spread it out in front of me, his tail wrapped around my leg. “I’ll be happy to give you the tour, my lady. It is in a mountain range several hundred kilometers southwest. Getting to it around the mountains was our primary concern. With your ship, that should be no problem.”

“Not necessarily,” Gourd said. “Some of the mountains out this way are high. We’ll have difficulties navigating. If we get too far up into the mountains, it’ll be difficult for us to breathe.”

“Aerie might be able to help scout,” I said.

“I can also assist,” Gilda said. “My father granted me access to some of our soldiers. Guiding the airship shouldn’t be too difficult. I’ve been working on radios. It might be possible to plant a transmitter of some kind on your ship to keep them in contact with us at all times.”

“That’s excellent,” I said with a nod. “We could really use one.”

“Then consider it a gift,” she replied with a smile. “Now, continue.”

The cat pointed at a point a few kilometers right of the center. “This is the entrance of the zone. It goes miles all around in a general circular shape. Legend states that it’s a crater dating back millions of years. This is the only point from which you can enter. Every other point in the entire zone is blocked by a wall of magic. At this point, there is a huge, heavily forested valley that goes just under the shield. There’s no way we could get the ship through there. The forest is full of mindless guards of various races. We’re talking dragons, powerful unicorns, heavily armed dogs and naga. Not the kind of crowd you wanna tango with.”

“Has anyone ever tried talking with them?” Twilight asked.

“I’m not sure,” he replied with a shrug. “The only people who go there are thieves and explorers. The thieves usually try to sneak past them and the explorers usually bolt at the first sign of trouble.”

“You happened to be one of the thieves,” Princess Gilda said with a nod.

“The best. Now, enough about the guards. The real problem is the forest. It’s so bad that it makes the Everfree look like a park. There are all kinds of horrific monsters, dangerous plants, unique diseases, and who knows what else.”

“We can help with that,” Brook said. “If we clear a path, none of the wildlife should bother us. The others can keep us safe from the attacking guards.”

“Well, those are the most difficult obstacles. Once you get into the zone itself, it’s mostly an easy path. The atmosphere is… warped, though. Everything is accelerated. Plants grow and die in minutes and the weather changes constantly.”

“How are griffins with cloud busting?” I asked.

“We get by,” Gilda said. “With unicorn support, we should be able to make it.”

“The approach is mostly straightforward, when the wildlife is cooperating,” the cat continued. “We might run into some more guards, since we’re such a big group. If we’re lucky, there’s a cave we can take shelter in for the night. I found it the last time I was there, but things there are fluid.”

“If push comes to shove, we can stick it out,” I said. “We have enough unicorns to keep everyone awake.”

“You do not want to be out at night,” he said. “As soon as the sun goes down, and it goes down very early in a crater like that, it snap freezes. It gets considerably below zero. We must have shelter or a plan in case we don’t.”

“This is sounding worse and worse by the second,” Watcher said. “Are you sure this is a good idea, Nav? There’s no telling what might be there.”

“We can’t ignore this lead,” I said. “We know it’s a human bunker. We know the dream machine was found there. If that is still working, what else could still be there that’s in good condition?”

The cat nodded. “There’s a reason people like me go there. Most thieves stop in the forest. There are medicines and poisons found there that are more potent than any in the world. Some get through the valley and go up the mountain instead, to chip out incredibly powerful magical jewels. The more foolhardy go further into the valley, to gather plants that grow in the weird cycles. There are thousands of fruits there that have wonderful or horrible effects. But for thieves like me, thieves like the best… there’s the inner dome.”

“Are you really sure being a thief is something to be proud of?” Twilight asked.

“But of course, madam! Thievery is an art! I pride myself in my ability to steal anything from anyone. A jewel, a coin, an ancient book. Or, perhaps in your case, a heart?” Twilight actually blushed.

“About that dome,” I immediately said.

“Ah, yes, the dome,” he said. “At the very center of the crater is a huge hole in the ground. It is covered by a dome of ice. It’s possible to melt a hole in it, but it freezes over again very quickly. Once you get inside, the edge becomes a huge fortress. There are guards posted at all points of the wall and there’s almost no cover. Getting to the wall unseen is almost impossible. Once you’re there, you have to find a place to either scale it or bypass it. There are a few gates here and there. Guards of all races occasionally patrol through here, so it’s possible to sneak in through a door. Once you’re in, the guards are lax and easy to bypass. From there, you just need to get to the opposite walls, then climb down into the hole.”

“You make that sound so easy,” Watcher said.

“It was nothing for the best thief in the world, you old coot.”

“We may be able to assist,” Brook said. “Based on information Flo got from your laptop, we’ve been experimenting on something. We believe we can become invisible. With enough of us together, we could create a veil of invisibility over all of you. We’d have to be very careful not to make a sound, but it’s possible.”

“That is something I can do,” Watcher said. “I know several spells for silence.”

“Once we get into the hole, it becomes a maze,” he said. “Doors open and close at random. Guards roam the halls. This is where true treasures can be found, things of great power. I’ve never been able to get to the center of the maze, so I don’t know what all is there. I do know that the objects I’ve recovered from there have fetched ridiculous prices, though I have no clue what any of them did.”

“Even if we can get in, we might be wandering aimlessly for miles of tunnels,” Watcher said. “Without a map, they can just whittle us down over time.”

“There are sort of spells for that,” Twilight said. “Several sound spells would be able to tell the user where any open cavities are and do a decent job of mapping the tunnels at the same time. We wouldn’t know for sure where any objects of interest are, but it would be a start.”

“A whole lotta unknowns,” Watcher sighed. “We don’t even know what, if anything, we might get out of it.”

“Several priceless artifacts,” the thief said. “If nothing else, we could make enough money to retire comfortably.”

“So there we have it,” I said. “In short, we have a super deadly forest full of crazy powerful guards, a constantly warping, frigidly cold hellscape, and then a fortress full of traps and guards. Sounds like a whole lot of problems.”

“With surprisingly easy solutions,” Twilight said. “Especially with Luna’s help. I’m hesitant to say it sounds easy, but I feel like we can brute-force this one with liberal applications of magic.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” Watcher said. “But this is still a huge risk. Nav, if you know something about the bunker, now’s the time to share it.”

“When I went back in time—”

“You went back in time?” Felix asked, eyes wide.

“Yes. Don’t interrupt. When I went back in time, that bunker is where I went. It’s where I met the man I would have been. He went on to develop life as you know it today. The machine that allows all races to dream was found there. Based on conversations I had with him, I suspect he left a cache there for me. I have no idea what’ll be in it or if it’s even still there, but I have to look.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Watcher asked. “That’s extremely relieving.”

“Because communication is hard,” I said. “I’m working on that. So, all my cards are on the table. Anybody else have anything to add?”

“I had a question, actually,” Gilda said. “You mentioned Luna…?”

“I did. She’ll be joining us once we leave.”

“This is the same Luna that admitted to raping you?”

“Yes.”

She looked around the room. Nobody but me would meet her gaze. She finally said, “Alright, I’ll bite. Why is Luna joining us?”

“Because she’s powerful as fuck and I’m pretty sure she’s loyal to me. I want to see just how deep that loyalty goes. This operation will be a good opportunity for that.”

“I mean… Whatever, I guess. I can’t believe I’m the only one raising objections to this.”

“We tried,” Watcher said. “And we were dismissed.”

“Time for a vote,” I said. “Who wants the super powerful, psychopathic rapist on our side?” I raised my hand immediately.

“Sounds good to me,” Felix said, raising one of his paws. Taya shrugged and lifted a hoof. Gourd sighed and lifted his. Twilight rolled her eyes and followed suit. After a few seconds of stillness, Watcher sighed in disgust and lifted his hoof.

“I rest my case,” I said, putting my arm down. “Nobody wants to work with Luna. However, everybody recognizes that working with Luna is considerably better than working without Luna, especially when it comes to things that require a violent solution. Luckily for us, she seems to have calmed down quite a lot.”

“What’s she like now?” Watcher asked.

“Repentant. She knows what she did is wrong and she regrets it. And she knows a lot of what Celestia had her do was evil and regrets it. She wants to make up for what she’s done. I intend to put her to good use.”

“Where does Celestia have her hidden?” Gilda asked.

“Tartarus. I’ve been communicating with her through dreams.”

“Dreams?” Felix asked.

“Yes. Don’t interrupt.”

“But—”

“Taya.” Her horn lit up and Felix’s mouth clamped shut. “So, anybody have any other questions, concerns, or comments?”

“How do you communicate through dreams?” Gilda asked.

“Luna, Twilight, and I are connected to the dream machine. That gives us the ability to access a network of dreams where we can communicate freely. We can also enter any dream we want at will, changing it however we want.”

“That’s… fascinating! You will grant me access later.”

“Will?” I slowly said, lifting an eyebrow.

“Is that what I said?” she sweetly asked.

“It is fascinating, though,” Twilight said. “Even if Nav mostly uses it to give ponies wet dreams.”

“That’s not true!” I quickly said. “It’s not just ponies, not anymore. Now I give everybody wet dreams!”

“Right, forgive me,” she sarcastically replied. “That’s obviously so much better.”

“No it’s not,” I said. “It’s actually so much worse. I just don’t like being lied about. Any other questions? Preferably about the assault on the bunker?”

“What are we doing after?” Watcher asked.

“Going north to speak to Cadance and Shining Armor. Then we’ll drop Gilda off and head back to Canterlot.”

“Alright. Don’t forget to get whatever you need to release us of any liability for Princess Gilda’s safety.”

“Already taken care of,” Gilda said. “I spoke to Hooters earlier. He knows where I’m going and that it’s entirely my choice. He’s the one who picked the soldiers going with us.”

“How are we on supplies?” I asked.

“Fully stocked,” Gourd said.

“Anything else?” I asked. Aside from Felix’s frantic twitching, nobody else had anything to add. “Watcher, Gourd, tell everybody to enjoy the festival, but to be ready to go in the morning. We leave as soon as everyone’s accounted for tomorrow.”

“Where will you be?” Watcher asked.

“In my room on the ship, rubbing my daughter’s belly. I’m festival’d out.”

“Is that really a thing?” Gilda asked. “I know Twilight confirmed it, but…”

“It is,” Watcher said.

“Her bellyrubs are the best!” Gourd added.

“The ear scritches are also nice,” Taya said, placing her head against one of my hands. I took the hint and started scratching it for her.

“...You’re treating her like a pet,” Gilda slowly said.

“So?” I asked. Everybody blinked. “That’s all a son or a daughter really is. Just a pet of the same species that you can train and treat however you want. I treat Taya extremely well and love her with all my heart. I would appreciate you backing the fuck off.”

Her eyebrows lifted. “Wow.”

“Yeah. Anybody else?” There were no comments. I finally stopped scritching my daughter’s ears for her. “Taya, we’re done here.” Her horn lit up and we teleported back to my room on the ship.

“I like being your daughter-pet,” Taya sweetly said.

“Good. Now get on the bed so I can rub your belly, you adorable little cuddleslut.”

She did so with a huge grin.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Seven—Hurray for Bad Decisions!

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Seven—Hurray for Bad Decisions!

By the time I woke up the next morning, the ship was already on the move. I couldn’t even see Gryphus from the window, so we had likely been going for a while. I guess we left as soon as everybody was aboard last night.

Taya was still cuddled up against me, so I very gently eased out of bed. Her legs started twitching, looking for something to hold onto, so I placed the Celestia plush where I had been sleeping. She grabbed it with a happy sigh and pulled it close. With her placated, I started quietly putting on clothes.

Once my body was ready, I eased out the door and closed it back behind me. The halls were still quiet, so I assumed most of the guards and crew were sleeping off hangovers. I didn’t want to risk waking anyone, so I went up to the deck. At the moment, the only people out and about were the red cat Felix, a few griffins, the helmsman, several water elementals, and the two fires. The griffins were talking to the fire elementals and Felix was speaking to Brook.

I went up to talk to the helmsman, because I really didn’t feel like dealing with any of the elementals. He had some pretty hefty bags under his relatively red eyes. “Long night?” I asked with a grin.

“Something like that, my lady,” he hoarsely replied.

“You know we have a few unicorns who could heal you up, right? And, like, a dozen water elementals that can do the same thing?”

“I… did not think about that.”

I leaned over the railing leading down to the bottom deck. “Oi, any of you watery tarts feel like helping my boy out?” Aqua snorted.

“What’s wrong with him?” one of the waters asked as she started oozing over.

“Hangover. I imagine most of the crew’s feeling the same.”

“That’s an easy fix,” what I recognized as Waterfall said as she started sliding up the stairs. “I’ll fix him up, then head downstairs to heal the others before they awaken. I won’t be able to fix the worst of the dehydration, though.”

“That’s fine,” the helmsman said. “Just getting rid of the pain would be nice.”

“Then sit still.” Waterfall placed a hand on his forehead. A few seconds later, he shivered as some of her water forced its way in. When she pulled away, his eyes were no longer fairly red. “How is that?”

“Much better,” he sighed. “Thank you.”

“I am pleased to assist. How about you, Nav?”

“I’m fine,” Aqua made me say. “I didn’t go out drinking last night.”

“Well, if anything ever ails you, feel free to ask for our assistance. We would all be happy to help. Now, I shall go aid the others.” Instead of sliding down the stairs, she slipped through the cracks in the wood under her.

“I like those things,” the helmsman said. “They’re always so eager to help!”

“Sometimes. What’s our ETA for the bunker?”

“As the pegasus flies, it would be four days,” he replied. “With the mountains in the way, it might take up to a week. We aren’t completely sure of what path to take yet.”

“That’s not too bad. Did Princess Gilda end up getting the radio installed?”

“She did. It’s in the planning room. She said she wasn’t finished setting it up just yet, though. Apparently there’s a long metal pole she’ll need to put somewhere.”

“That would be the antenna. We’ll help her get it set up today. Is Jak with us?”

“He is, but we left Sunshine Smiles behind.”

Score. “What about the naga?”

“I’m afraid not. When he realized how cold it would be, he decided to stay at the mansion. Doppel also elected to stay behind.”

“Good. I wanted her at the house anyway.” I wouldn’t mind the naga’s big, strong arms keeping me safe, though… Even if I’d probably assign him to guard Princess Gilda. “Did I miss anything while I was gone?”

“Not really. You had a guest or two stop by, but I don’t know the details.”

“Well, they probably weren’t important. I’m gonna go check out the radio.”

“If you need anything else, just let me know.”

“‘Kay.” I walked past him and into the planning room. The radio appeared to be the same one from Gilda’s workshop. It was set up on the table with wires and whatnot dangling all over the place.

Before I could walk up to it, Luna teleported in front of me, accompanied by what sounded like thunder. I only jumped a little, thankfully. “Good morning,” she calmly said.

“...Howdy. Um. How’s Tartarus?”

“Bleak and depressing. How’s Canterlot?”

“About the same. Did you really just teleport all the way here from Tartarus?”

“No. I went through the gate to Equestria first. How did the others take the news that I would be joining you?”

“Fairly poorly, all things told. You might hear a few unpleasant things.”

“That is acceptable. Are you still interested in hearing how Shining Armor’s dream went after you left?”

“Yeah.”

“It turned golden about an hour later. Apparently he enjoyed the idea of being feminized and impregnated by Chrysalis. Last night, I asked Cadance how he felt in the morning. She told me that he claimed he had the best sleep in years, though he left quite a mess in the bed.”

“Wow. Did you tell her what he was dreaming about?”

“Yes. She commented on how hot it was and said that it gave her all kinds of ideas.”

“Huh. Well, whatever.”

“I think Cadance might have some mental problems.”

“Oh yeah. But she loves her husband and he seems to love her back, so whatever. If she wants to shove stuff up his butt, that’s certainly none of my business.”

“Until they invite you to partake again.”

“They better fucking not. Anyway, you want the tour of the ship?”

“Not at the moment. I would, however, like to know more about this radio.”

“Then you’ll probably need to ask Princess Gilda. She’s the one who built it and set it up.”

“Did you not give her the plans?”

“Kinda. I got them from the laptop I got when I went back in time. I don’t really know much about how it works, though. I know that you can talk into this end and whoever has the receiver will hear what you say. They’d also be able to reply.”

“Fascinating. Like dragon’s breath, but with sounds instead of letters.”

“Yep. They’re really useful when you get a satellite up and running.”

“A satellite?” she asked, tilting her head.

“It’s a device that sits just outside of the planet’s atmosphere. They can take the signal from this radio and shoot it just about anywhere on the planet. If you get a ring of satellites, they can transfer the radio signal from one to another, giving you even wider access. We had enough of them in my time that someone in what you call Equestria could talk to someone in Tartarus with almost no delay at all.”

“Astounding! Why haven’t you built any such devices?”

“They require fuel for course corrections. They also require a way of getting power, like solar cells. Plus, making them with your current technology levels would be either extremely difficult or straight up impossible.”

“Hm. You are very lucky that Twilight did not take the reports of your technology levels seriously at the beginning. Celestia likely would have acted much sooner if she had.”

“I’m not complaining, even if Twilight was apparently super condescending about it.”

“You are courting her now, are you not?”

“I’m in an it’s complicated with a few women at the moment. She’s one of them.”

“Ah, you are going for a herd. Good luck, Navarone.”

“I’m really not,” I sighed. “I’m just bad at saying no to people. And unfortunately, all three of the bitches I’m currently boning are super needy.”

“Perhaps you should consider whittling that number down.”

“Yeah, probably. Have you eaten breakfast yet? We probably don’t have much variety, but you’re welcome to whatever we have.”

“I have not, no. I actually only just woke up. When I saw that you were on the ship and that it was away from Gryphus, I prepared myself as best I could. Once you were alone, I joined you. I would be interested in breakfast, especially if you have any meat.”

“Then let’s go.” I led the way out onto the ship.

She followed me out, though she quickly walked over to the railing. “I missed the color green,” she quietly said, watching the pine forest we were passing over trail by.

“Is nothing in Tartarus that color?” I asked.

“Not on Mount Oberon. We keep the vegetation burned back all the way to the entrance of the peninsula. If we didn’t, it would be easy to sneak up on the fortress. Outside of the peninsula, it’s a very mixed bag. I have done very little exploration, but I’ve heard reports of vast jungles, huge plains, large deserts, and everything in between.”

“So about the same as it was in my time. I’ll have to try and find a map before I go, or summon a familiar who can draw one for me.”

“That would be wise. When I return to the fortress, I will begin compiling information. We will go over everything when you finally make it to Tartarus.”

Before we could continue talking, the ship suddenly tilted, throwing both of us off balance. Luna grabbed me with magic before I could fall off the side, then rushed to the wheel to stabilize it. That’s when I noticed that the helmsman had jumped away from the wheel and was staring at Luna in pure horror.

“What’s the matter?” I asked as the ship recovered.

“What’s she doing here?!”

“Did Gourd not tell you?” I asked. “She’s joining us for the trip to the bunker.”

“B-but—”

“This is non-negotiable,” I said. “So deal with it. Luna, let him take the wheel.”

She backed away from it, but the guy didn’t seem to want to move. “I am here to work with you,” she said. “I am here in an attempt to make up for my wrongdoing. Your lady is willing to give me a chance. Will you trust her judgment?”

Before he could reply, Gourd teleported up to the deck. “What’s going… Oh. Get on the wheel! We talked about this!”

“What do you mean, we talked about it?!” the guy asked.

“Watcher and I very specifically told everybody that Princess Luna would be joining us,” Gourd said.

“It is princess no longer,” Luna said. “I have abdicated my position. Now I am merely Luna.”

“This is what happens when you get too drunk,” I said, crossing my arms. “You forget shit. Will you puh-lease take the fucking wheel? Jesus.” He very slowly eased forward, watching Luna the whole time. When he finally got to the wheel, he did his best to keep it between him and her. “Get over yourself, dude. She isn’t going to do anything.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Gourd, lie detector spell.” He nodded. “The sky is green.” His horn lit up. “Luna?”

“I am loyal to Navarone.” The light around his horn disappeared. “I mean no ill-will toward her or any of her crew, soldiers, or friends.”

“Boom. Now chill the fuck out. If you flip the wheel again, Gourd’s gonna spank you.”

“No I’m not,” Gourd said. “But I will be upset. Ugh, I’m gonna go back below and explain everything to the others.”

“Is there a room available for Luna?” I asked.

“The naga’s. We figured it would be the only one large enough for her.”

“Then we’ll head there first,” I said. “Once you let everyone know she’s here, come tell us.”

“As you wish, my lady,” he said. He finally trotted off down the stairs. The helmsman stared at Luna for a few more seconds before easing back into a relatively normal position. I rolled my eyes and then walked down the stairs. Luna followed.

“So those are water elementals,” she said. Most of them were still on the deck, watching Luna like a hawk. “And two fire elementals.”

“That they are,” I said.

“I would like to speak to one before I return to Tartarus. The thought of an intelligent machine intrigues me.”

“You already spoke to Blaze in the dream place.” And yelled at Flo in the other dream place.

“True, but not in depth.” We finally started going down the stairs into the ship itself. Since the entire thing just got thrown around, a lot of heads were poking out of doors. Gourd was explaining things, but all of their eyes shot straight up to Luna as soon as we started walking down.

I ignored all of those eyes and continued into the cargo hold. The door to the naga’s room was open, so I just let myself inside and sat on the bed. Luna followed in behind me and looked around. “This is where you’ll be sleeping,” I said. “There’s another bedroom across the hall that Twilight’s been using as a necromancy lab.”

“So my sister has begun teaching her dark arts. A curious decision.”

“It’s to help me, actually. A forsaken soul attached itself to my soulless body while I was trapped in the bunker in Antarctica. Twilight is trying to learn how to get rid of it.”

“Ah. Perhaps Grogar can assist, if he is still in Tartarus.”

“Maybe. Want me to rub your belly now or do you want to wait?”

“Now is fine. Shall I lie across your lap or lie next to you?”

“Either or.” I slid back further onto the bed, giving her more room to work with. After a few seconds of thought, she teleported across my lap, presenting her warm and fuzzy belly. She sighed in pleasure as I began stroking it.

“Your hands… they’re marvelous,” she whispered.

“Yeah, they’re pretty great. Your tummy is nice and soft.”

“Hmm, indeed…”

Unfortunately, we didn’t really have much time to enjoy it before Taya showed up at the door. At first, she seemed a little bit peeved. When she noticed my hand on Luna, she got straight up pissed. “What do you think you’re doing?!” she demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“Rubbing a belly,” I replied with a shrug. I didn’t stop, of course.

“Why are you rubbing her belly?!”

“Because it’s soft and she said I could,” I said. “If you wanna hop up here, I do have another hand!”

“I think she might be upset,” Luna said.

“Taya, are you upset?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“Because you’re rubbing your rapist’s belly!”

“You don’t mind when I pet Kat.”

Her mouth opened, then closed. Finally she said, “That’s different!”

“How?” I asked.

“Kat’s your vassal!”

Luna slid off my lap and bowed down before me, her horn lighting up. “I will swear myself to your service if you will have me,” she said.

“I don’t have my noble seal with me, I’m afraid,” I said. “It’s something we can talk about later, though. I don’t want you to jump straight into it.”

“I have considered it for a while now. Once upon a time, it was common for one who hurt another to swear fealty to them in an attempt to undo or make up for the damage. I would be honored if you could make use of me.”

“Well, at the moment, the seal is in Canterlot,” I said.

“No it’s not,” Taya replied, a wide grin on her face. “Watcher told me to pack it, just in case. I’ll go get it!”

“Wait—” She immediately started trotting off. I sighed and looked back at Luna, who was gazing up at me with a very hopeful expression. “Do you really think this is wise, Luna?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” she asked. “With me sworn to serve you, there would be none who could claim I seek to harm you. Should I ever return to civilization, it’s only fair that it be in the yoke of the one to whom I did the most harm. At least I would finally be sworn to one with strong morals, a personal honor, and pride in what she seeks to accomplish.”

“I mean… We have no idea how long we’ll be alive. Is swearing yourself to another person really what you want?”

“I could not pick a better lady to serve,” she replied. “Once we deal with Celestia, you will become the most powerful person on the planet. At that time, you will need my help more than ever. There is not one iota of doubt in my mind. If I am to swear myself to anybody, it should be to you.”

“You don’t have to swear yourself to somebody. That’s what I’m getting at. You’ve been in Celestia’s shadow all your life. Do you really want to tie yourself to another person so quickly? Don’t you want a chance to discover yourself?”

“You will allow that. Not only will you allow it, you’ll encourage it. Whoever I decide I am to be, you will help me fulfill myself and then find a place for me at your side.” Shit, she’s got me there.

Taya zoomed back in and held my noble seal up with a grin. “Here you go, mommy!”

I slowly took it and stared at it for a few seconds. I finally pocketed it and looked back at Luna. “I’ll make a decision before we get to the Crystal Empire.”

Her smile dipped slightly, but she nodded. “Very well, Navarone. I understand your hesitation.”

“Then explain it.”

She blinked and slowly leaned back. “You mistrust my intentions and still harbor pain due to my actions.”

Way to listen to literally nothing I just said. “Nope. Well, yes to the pain, but that’s not influencing my decision. I don’t want someone immortal to swear an oath to me because that kinda traps you if you ever decide you don’t want to be my servant anymore. Eternity’s a long time to feel regret.”

“That’s dumb,” Taya immediately replied. “You have her, mommy! Just let her swear the oath!”

“After I have a chance to think it over,” I said. “And after she has a chance to reconsider.”

“I have made my decision,” Luna calmly said. “All that is left is for you to make yours. Even if you won’t accept my oath, I would still be pleased to serve you in whatever capacity you require.”

“You always do this!” Taya said, slapping a hoof on the floor. “Stop doing what’s best for everybody else and just do what’s best for you for once!”

“Alright.” I patted my lap. “Hop back up, Luna. I think a belly rub would be best for me at the moment.”

She grinned and teleported back into my lap. “As you wish.” Taya groaned and stomped off while I continued rubbing the ex-princess’s belly. “Should you really make a habit of angering your daughter?”

“Should she really make a habit of pushing me into choices I’m not ready to make?”

“I suppose not… The fact that your sole consideration for not accepting my oath is concern for my future well-being only confirms the choice as the correct one in my mind. My sister is a fool for spurning your advice so quickly and casting you aside in such a manner. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not see your true value until it was too late. Now, I desire only to follow you and help you build a better world for all sapient life.”

“Surely you can aim higher than living life as a permanent follower.”

“I sought to rule once. It ended poorly for all involved. There are none who would follow my lead now, so I must make peace with following. It is a decision I did not make lightly, nor one I made quickly. But it is a decision I am now at peace with.”

“There’s always the option of neither. You don’t have to participate in the world. You have five thousand years of servitude under your belt. No one would fault you for retiring or trying to find your own path.”

“Hm… There aren’t many who would deny an alicorn’s oath of fealty.”

“Well, I’m not many. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid of going your own way, Luna. Especially not after everything you’ve been through.”

“You would release me from the oath immediately if I but asked. And again, you would help me find whatever path would make me happiest. Swearing myself as your vassal merely protects us both from any accusations that I am escaping punishment for my crimes against you. It is the only way I would feel comfortable returning to the world.”

God dammit, I’m not going to let her guilt me into this.

“Good,” Aqua replied. “I believe it would be wise to accept her offer, but not because of guilt. Do not allow her to manipulate you so easily. Take time to decide, if you must.”

Wow, that might be one of the first semi-reasonable things you’ve ever said. Are you feeling okay?

“Go fuck yourself, Nav,” she flippantly answered.

Twilight was the next pony to come barging in, though she didn’t immediately flip shit. “There you are, Nav,” she said. “Gourd wanted me to tell you he’s informed the others that Luna is here.”

“Good. Do you know if they’re serving breakfast yet?”

“They are. That was going to be my next destination, if you’d like to join me. I need to see if she has any cinnamon.”

“Why?”

“Because you said you’d forgive me if I ate a spoonful of it. It’s only fair that I do that if you are going to make amends with Aqua.”

“I say we do a trade,” I replied. “You skip the cinnamon challenge, I skip dealing with that H2Hoe.” Luna snorted.

“No can do, Navi,” she said. “But I will let you wait if we don’t have enough cinnamon. It’s only fair.”

“Why would you make her eat cinnamon?” Luna asked. “She would likely vomit, assuming she doesn’t cough her lungs out first.” Way to ruin it. See, this is why I don’t want to make you a vassal!

“Um. What?”

“You didn’t know?” I asked. “Eating a spoonful of cinnamon is almost impossible and extremely painful.”

“...I see. And you were just going to let me do it?”

“Yeah. It’s only fair, since you were going to make me talk to that raving cunt-canoe.”

“I believe I am missing something,” Luna said. “Who is Aqua?”

“A water elemental,” Twilight replied. “One Nav doesn’t have a very good relationship with. I want the two of them to make amends.”

“And I want her to fuck right off,” I replied. “But what we want isn’t always what we get. Now that you know the truth about the cinnamon challenge, you sure you don’t want to just call it even?”

“I’m tempted to just tell you to apologize to her to make up for tricking me like that.”

“In that case, you can just stay mad at me.”

She pursed her lips for a moment before rolling her eyes. “Fine, I’ll do your stupid cinnamon challenge.”

“This will certainly be amusing to watch,” Luna said as she finally slid off my lap and back onto her hooves. “Before you do so, I would like to ask how you perceive my presence here, Twilight.”

“I understand Navarone’s reason for accepting your help. It isn’t the choice I would have made, but it wasn’t my choice to make. I will work with you because I recognize your value. I have no intention of doing more than cooperating with you in a strictly professional sense.”

“I appreciate your candor,” Luna said, bowing her head for a moment. “I have made many mistakes. I am grateful that Navarone is giving me a chance to attempt to rectify them. In the interest of openness and honesty, I feel it is fair to inform you that I have requested permission to become one of Nav’s vassals.”

Twilight stared at Luna in silence for a few seconds before moving her eyes to me. “What did you say?”

“That I’d think about it,” I replied. “What is your opinion on the matter?”

“That, once again, it is not my choice to make. I’m not interested in getting involved one way or another. Your choices of vassals are of no concern of mine.”

“Way to take a cop out,” I said. “I’m asking your opinion as my marefriend. What do you think I should do?”

“I think you should tell her no. Now, I am going to go get breakfast. You’re welcome to join me.” She walked off before I could answer.

Luna looked at me and said, “I believe I am not invited.”

“You’re free to join us anyway.”

“...I shall pass, for now. I have already caused you trouble with your daughter. I shall not compound it by causing trouble with one of your marefriends. For now, I believe I will return to the deck. Some more fresh, cold air that doesn’t hold the scent of corruption and decay will do my mind good.” Her horn lit up and she teleported away.

“I do hope they have cinnamon in stock,” Aqua said with a horrific little giggle. “I’d love to hear your heartfelt apology!” I decided to go join Twilight. It was certainly better than being stuck with only Aqua for company. “That hurts my feelings.”

“So why do you want almost all of my cinnamon?” Sunny was asking as I entered.

“Because Nav wants me to eat a spoonful of it,” Twilight replied.

“Uh. Why?”

“Because I made her mad. Watching me suffer is revenge for her.”

Sunny’s eyes moved to me. “We don’t keep a lot of spices like cinnamon on the ship, my lady. Our space is very limited. I’ll give her a spoonful if you order me to, but can it wait?”

Hallelujah. “It can,” I replied. “I don’t know if we’ll be using the cinnamon we do have for anything, but I’d rather have it just in case.”

“I was planning on making provencal stew,” Sunny replied. “And Spike was talking about baking a few pies with fruit he picked up at Gryphus.”

“Chicken goes great in that stew,” I said. “Shame you guys are all vegetarians.”

“I’ll make a special pot of it with some chicken Gilda picked up before leaving,” she said with a big grin. “I never realized there was so much you can make with meat!”

“Sounds amazing. But it does mean that apology will have to wait, I’m afraid.”

Twilight huffed. “You know it would help our relations with the elementals, Nav. I shouldn’t have to push you to do it.”

“Yeah, well, them’s the breaks. So what’s for breakfast?”

When we had been served, we both wandered on down to my room. A part of me was surprised that there wasn’t a line of needy ponies wanting my attention, but I certainly wasn’t going to complain. She pulled the door shut behind her and we settled down.

“So how was Luna’s belly?” she asked.

“Nice and soft. I recommend rubbing it for yourself.”

“I’m… surprised to see you partaking her belly after everything she’s done to you.”

I sighed. “I understand why Luna did what she did, Twilight. She was in a lot of pain. It doesn’t excuse her actions in the slightest, but I do understand. And because I understand, I’m willing to give her a chance to make things right. I’m not going to ask everybody to treat her well or even forgive her. But I’m going to try my best to treat her fairly and, if possible, forgive her.”

“...Why?”

“Because a good friend of mine once spent a very long time teaching me the magic of friendship. Part of that is forgiveness.”

“Oh.”

Oh, indeed. She didn’t seem to have anything else to say, so we started actually eating. It was pretty dank, even if I wasn’t all that hungry. When we finished, she teleported the plates away.

“So why were you asking about her belly?” I asked. “Feeling jealous?”

“I don’t like seeing your hands on any other mare except your daughter.”

“What about stallions? Or females of other races?”

“I don’t mind stallions or males that much, since I know you aren’t interested in any kind of relationship with one. But I did mean female instead of mare. I don’t like seeing your wonderful hands on any other females except for Taya.”

“So you were jealous!”

“Yes, Nav. I was jealous that you were giving Luna a belly rub.”

“Alright, cool. I just wanted to hear you say it. So, you wanna go help PG set up her radio?”

“PG?”

“Princess Gilda. OG is Original Gilda. That’s how I differentiate them.”

“Ah. I’d actually prefer a belly rub. I think it’ll help my stomach settle!” Before I could invite her onto the bed, someone knocked at the door. “Ignore it,” she whispered.

“I can’t ignore my subjects,” I replied, hopping up. “That would be irresponsible of me.” She sighed as I opened the door, revealing PG herself. “Good morning.”

“It would be better if your useless helmspony knew how to steer. Or if he didn’t panic every time he saw a monster. I need help setting up the antenna for the radio. Once I’ve tested it, we’ll return to your room for a… talk.”

“Why my room?”

“After how much you made me…” She finally looked around me and saw Twilight. “Ahem. I believe your room is more… homey and comfortable.”

“Uh huh. I’ll supervise the antenna thing, but it’ll mostly be either unicorns or the elementals setting it up. How sure are you that it won’t act as a huge lightning rod?”

“Oh, it very well might,” she said. “But this ship has pegasi, does it not? Clear the weather before trying to travel through it.”

“Eh. Twilight, you down to help?”

She sighed again before saying, “I guess.”

“What’s her problem?” PG asked.

“She’s jealous that I was giving Luna more attention than her.”

“Was not!” Twilight immediately replied.

“Be wary of mares,” Gilda said. “They are generally extremely possessive.”

“So I’ve noticed. That’s not always a bad thing when they’re being possessive of my vagina. In fact, it usually feels pretty good.”

“Don’t make me hold you down and molest you in front of the princess,” Twilight said.

“And don’t you threaten me with a good time. Now let’s go get this antenna thing done.”

“I mean… it could wait,” Gilda said. “I actually wouldn’t mind watching.”

“...What?” Some purple magic dragged me back into the room. Gilda smirked and followed me in, kicking the door shut behind her.

Twilight was in a much better mood when we went up to the deck. She was humming and practically prancing. Gilda also seemed fairly impressed with what magic was capable of, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was going to be a semi-common occurrence.

Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel about that.

“So where’s this radio?” Twilight asked once we were outside.

“In Nav’s puny planning room,” Gilda replied. “I would be happy to show you how it works once we get the antenna set up.”

“Why puny?” Twilight asked.

“Compared to mine, it’s tiny and insufficient.”

“You’re a princess living in a palace,” I replied. “This is an ex-pirate carrack that’s been converted into a flying fortress. We’re working with limited room.”

“Always an excuse,” she sarcastically said. I flipped her off. “What does that mean?”

“It means fuck you.”

She snorted and walked over to one of the sides of the ship, where a long metal rod about three meters long had been secured. “I was thinking it might be best to attach it to the rear of the ship.”

“Why the back?” Twilight asked.

“It will be easier to run a wire to it from the back, since the radio is closer to the back.”

“What is this made out of?” Twilight asked.

“It is a copper core with a silver coating,” Gilda replied.

Twiley’s eyebrows lifted. “Silver? And copper? Why not something stronger, like steel?”

“Resistance,” I said. “Silver has the least heat resistance of easily acquirable metals. Copper has the second least. That makes it a much better conductor of electricity and signals. Using silver as just a coating gives it a good advantage while using copper as the core greatly decreases the cost.”

“...Huh. Would increasing the length of the antenna increase its range?”

“Indeed. As would increasing the amount of power to it, to a point,” Gilda said. She began unstrapping it, but stopped when Twilight undid all the straps and just grabbed it with magic. Since it was clear, Gilda began leading the way to where she was presumably wanting to hang it. “You know of a spell that will give you wings, do you not?”

“I do,” Twilight said. She set the rod on the deck for a moment and put a hoof on it so it didn’t roll anywhere. Once it was safe, her horn lit up much brighter and two butterfly wings appeared on her back. “This spell is so useful!”

“And it makes you look even more adorable,” I said, booping her on the nose.

She bore it with a quiet indignity, then grabbed the pole with magic again. “So we’ll need to fly in order to get this where it needs to go?”

“We will,” Gilda said. “But first we will need to drill a hole through the planning room.” Once we got to the door, we let ourselves in. Watcher and Jak were both poking around the radio. Neither were actually touching it, thankfully.

“Good morning, ma’am,” Watcher said, nodding to me.

“What manner of device is this?” Jak asked.

“It’s a radio,” I said while Gilda and Twilight continued walking to the back of the room. “It allows for near-instant communication between two points using electrical signals to convey speech.”

“Electricity?” Jak slowly said. “So it is human technology?”

“It is. I gave Princess Gilda a ton of plans for human tech a while back. This is one of the things she recreated.”

“Gilda is a princess?” he asked, honestly sounding flabbergasted.

“That Gilda,” I said as I pointed at the Gilda in question. “Not the Gilda that Spike is using as a sex doll.”

“Ah. That makes considerably more sense. I ask that you give the same consideration to Minos, then. Or if not to them, to me. Allow me access to the same information. Unlike most griffins, we appreciate technological advances.”

“I’m working on starting a number of academies where technology and magic will be intertwined. Once I get things settled down in Canterlot and once we’re done in Tartarus, I will make plans to visit Minos. It’s something I’ve been putting off for too long anyway. While there, I’ll fund the start of an academy that will focus on technology, magic, and probably runes.”

“Excellent. So how does this device work?”

“No fucking clue. Gilda?”

“I will be happy to explain it once to any on the ship who are interested in learning,” she said. “But I dislike repeating myself. Once it is functional, I shall explain the mechanics to any willing to listen.”

“I suppose I can wait. Do you need any assistance?”

“We will soon be flying to the other side of this wall. When we do so, we will need the cable pushed through.” She walked over to the radio and grabbed a spool of copper cable. “Feed this through the hole Twilight is about to make. We will seal it later.”

“You aren’t gonna insulate the cable?” I asked. “That thing might get really hot.”

“We’ll place a sign.” Jak took the cable and Gilda walked back over to the wall. “I believe here will do,” she said, pointing at one of the corners of the wall. “Just large enough to feed the wire through. We will also need some manner of welder.”

“I can assist with that,” Jak said. “Give me one moment. I will go fetch a tool that I can use to engrave a rune onto the end of this wire. It will instantly weld with the next metallic object it touches.”

“..Rune?” Gilda asked. “Nav did just mention those. What are they?”

“Symbols you can carve into objects that give the object magical properties,” Jak replied. “I have built a fully functional iron golem entirely from runes.”

“It’s horrifying,” I said. “And I’ve fought a paper golem made from runes before. They were also horrifying.”

“And magically resistant,” Twilight added.

“Well then. It seems you have even more to teach me, Navarone.”

“Hey, don’t look at me. Jak’s learning that shit from Athena, the ancient human mage Twilight and I found in a pocket dimension hidden in a book.”

“Oh. Then you will introduce me.”

“Will?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Is that what I said?” she sweetly asked.

“It was what you said,” Watcher replied. “I feel safe warning you that princess talk doesn’t work very well on my lady.”

“I’m well aware, I’m afraid. It’s proven to be most annoying. She’s far too valuable to be running free and wild.”

“And you really felt like right in front of me was the best place to say that?” I asked, crossing my arms.

She turned an annoyed gaze up to me and said, “I am just an immature little princess, after all.” Her eyes moved back to Twilight and she said, “Bore the hole.” Jak decided to go ahead and leave. I was tempted to join him.

Twilight’s horn lit up and a hole started burning its way through the ship. A small tuft of smoke drifted up from the area. Soon enough, light from outside started poking through. Once the hole was complete, it began expanding. Thankfully, the smoke was getting sucked out. When the hole was the right size, the light around Twilight’s horn vanished. “That should do it. It will be hot for a minute or two.”

“Let us go hang the pole,” Gilda said. “By the time we get it in place, the minotaur should have returned.” The two of them started walking out. I decided they didn’t really need my supervision that much, so I hung back.

Once they were out the door, Watcher pulled it shut with magic. “Wow, what a bitch,” he immediately said.

“Right?”

“How is she in the sack?”

“No comment.”

“Fair enough. So how was the trip, truly?”

“Honestly? Not that great. Twilight was super needy and possessive, which kept pissing me off. It kinda got feedback-loopy there for a bit. It feels like I have to keep reminding her not to act like a control freak about me and everything else.”

“Some ponies find it difficult to differentiate what you want in bed and what you want in a relationship. Kumani was also like that, in some ways. If you’ve been having problems even after you tell her to knock it off, you should consider sitting her down and explaining it in more detail. If she still can’t understand, she probably isn’t the one.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “I keep meaning to, but I don’t like hard conversations. Maybe I should make Doppel do it in my body…”

“And if you’re too immature to have a conversation with your marefriend, you aren’t the one. So what happened between you and the princess?”

“She asked me a question. I gave her an answer. She didn’t like my answer.”

“Ah. Was it rude and condescending?”

“Probably. She asked why I wouldn’t date her and I told her the truth.”

“Oooh, I bet that wounded her princess pride. Was immaturity part of it?”

“Uh huh.”

Jak finally walked back in, ducking under the door frame. “Are they already setting up the pole?”

“Yep.”

“Then I shall waste no time,” he said as he walked to the wire. He had a small wrap of tools in one hand that he laid out on the table. First he pulled out a vice to clamp the wire to the table. Next he pulled out a very fine scalpel. Finally, he grabbed a monocle so he could see better and got to work scratching something into the metal. As soon as he was finished, he pulled off the monocle and set the scalpel aside, then released the vice and started pulling it to the hole.

“We’re really gonna need to secure that thing better,” I said. “And hopefully find a way to insulate it.”

“First we need to get it working,” Jak said as he began feeding it through the hole. “Refinements come later.”

Someone from the other side finally grabbed the wire. He released it as they pulled it to wherever it needed to go. Once it was in place, the entire wire jolted. Twilight and Gilda returned a few seconds later.

“That should do it,” Gilda said as she approached the radio. She grabbed the receiver and taloned it to Twilight. “There is a small switch on the bottom. Flip it to talk. While it is flipped, you won’t be able to receive. First, I shall talk. Then you shall reply.”

“Got it.” She walked outside and closed the door.

Gilda finally turned the radio on and said, “Testing. Testing.”

A few seconds later, the speaker started spitting static. Twilight replied, “Sounds like it’s working.” The static cut off.

“Come back inside.”

The door opened and Twilight walked back in, smiling widely. “That’s amazing! It really is just like Nav’s little radios!”

“Now we will need to test the range. I’ll go order one of my griffin soldiers to scout with the receiver.”

She walked out, Twilight once more in tow. When they were out of earshot, I said, “While those nerds do that, I’m gonna go talk to my daughter.”

“Good luck,” Watcher said. I walked out and hopped over the railing so I could get downstairs before Twilight or Gilda could spot me leaving.

Taya wasn’t in my room or her room, which kinda stumped me. I started walking down the halls, checking open doors. Before I found her, I bumped into Nightshade’s room. “How was your vacation, my lady?” she asked with a big grin.

“Interesting. I hear I have you to thank for my numb vagina.”

“I bet it was amazing until that part, though!”

“It was. It also has the royal stamp of approval.”

She gasped, leaning up. “Princess Gilda used it?!”

“Nope. Shining Armor swapped bodies with his wife. Cadance used the poison to fuck Shiny. He very much enjoyed getting railed in his wife’s body with the poison coating her vag.”

“That’s… something, I guess. Do you think they would be customers?”

“Yeah, probably. We’ll be stopping there before we return to Canterlot, if you want to speak to Cadance about it.”

“Well…” She reached into a bag next to her bed and pulled out a vial. “Would you like to test my new recipe before Cadance?”

“Absolutely not. I didn’t want to test the first one. Twilight twisted my arm until I did.”

“She… she hurt you?”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“Twist your arm… What does it mean?”

“That she kept badgering me and badgering me until I agreed to it, using guilt and other emotional abuses to whittle me down.”

“Ah. Twist my hoof. I’ll remember that. Would you mind telling me why you don’t want to try it? This version doesn’t seem to have any numbness.”

“I don’t like putting poison on any part of my body. I especially don’t want to put poison on the only saving grace of this otherwise shitty female body. I don’t want anything happening to the sensitivity of my funhole.”

“Ah. I can understand that.” She gently placed the vial back in the bag. “If you ever change your mind, let me know!”

“‘Kay. Do you know where Taya is?”

“She walked by earlier, but I don’t know where she went.”

“Then the hunt continues. See you.”

“My lady.”

I started walking again, looking for my cuddly daughter. She had to be somewhere.

Sure enough, she was somewhere. I found her in Zecora’s room, rocking back and forth on a stool while the zebra was making some green potion. “‘Sup?”

“Done giving your rapist nice things?” Taya sweetly asked.

“For now, yeah. I thought it might be a good time for a talk.”

“About what?”

“Why you went to Athena’s realm.”

The grin that spread across her face wasn’t very comforting. “You’re just in time, mommy! Zecora’s almost done with the potion.”

“I am,” she confirmed. “But I am going to give the potion to Navarone. What she chooses to do with it is none of my concern.”

Taya’s rocking stopped and she glared at Zecora. “What?”

“I know her opinion on this matter already. She does not desire you to jump into such an important decision.”

“I’m not jumping into anything! I decided to do this months ago! I wanted to use an elemental, but noooo, mommy wouldn’t let me! And then I wanted to use that vampire lady, but she wouldn’t do it either! So this is my next option. I’m gonna stay with mommy no matter what!”

“Which I’m absolutely okay with,” I said, making her slightly manic gaze turn back to me. “Honestly, I’d like having you by my side. But don’t you want to wait until you’re older and more mentally mature? This slows down your aging by a lot.”

“No, of course not. The whole point was to do it as quickly as possible so I can be your little filly forever!”

“Why?”

“So I can confuse your enemies with my cuteness. I also like being your little filly. Or as you put it to Gilda, your daughter-pet!”

“Do you want a family?”

“No.”

“No kids? No husband?”

“Nope! All I need is you, mommy!”

I really shouldn’t encourage this behavior, but if it’s what she really wants…

Aqua snorted and said, “What she needs is a mother who won’t allow her to make permanent, life-altering choices while she’s still just a filly.”

“So you read the book all the way through?”

“I did,” she said with a nod. “I really think you should read it yourself, though.”

“I was planning on it. Give me the rundown. What can we expect?”

“The more injured you become, the more treelike you’ll become. If you lose any full limbs, they’ll eventually come back mutated.”

“What are the consequences of that?”

“More energy when you’re awake, whatever benefits the mutations provide, and you’ll need to sleep more. You can stay awake in the spring and summer now, but if you mutate too much more, you’ll start sleeping in those seasons as well. You’ll also become more… fey, whatever that means. The guy… well, he also eventually became a girl, so I guess the lady ended up dancing in the rain without even realizing it. Your eyes might also change color and your hair might start sprouting flowers. In some cases, various types of bugs or animals will be attracted to you. As time goes on, you’ll be able to hear the songs of the forest, though I’m not really sure what that means.”

“So nothing that’s really too detrimental.”

“Nope!”

“And you promise that nothing you’ve said is a lie?”

“I sure do,” she said with a nod.

Aqua?

“She didn’t lie, but I couldn’t tell you if she omitted anything.”

“This isn’t something you can come back from, Taya. I honestly think it’s a really irresponsible move.”

“You do irresponsible things all the time!”

“I know. Some of them, I regret. Others, I don’t. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I do recognize that it’s your body. I also understand that you’ll keep looking until you find a way to do it anyway. So if we have a way that’s safe, that we know will work, and that we know all the ins and outs of… I’ll allow it on two conditions.”

“Anything!”

“Promise me this is what you really want.”

“I promise,” she said with no hesitation.

“And promise me that you’ll never get mad at me for letting you do this.”

“I promise. I made the choice. You just gave me permission!”

I just hope you’re mature enough to remember that. I sighed and looked at Zecora. “Give it to her when it’s done.”

Taya squeed and leapt off the stool to hug me. “Thank you, mommy!”

“As you command, my lady,” Zecora replied with a nod. Her face was unreadable.

“Your lady?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I am a part of your tribe, Navarone. You are the leader of this tribe. Thus, you are also my lady.”

“Then I guess that makes you my shaman.”

“No. I am shaman no longer. I am something new, something greater. I am a speaker for the dead.”

“You just love drama, don’t you?”

“You can’t talk.”

“...I suppose not.” I finally knelt down to hug my daughter back. She was giddily giggling. I couldn’t tell if it was adorable or creepy, so I started tickling her so I could hear cute laughter instead. When it looked like she might start fighting back, I hugged her close again. “So what will happen once you drink this potion?”

“Athena just said it would turn me into a tree sister like you. I even used a cherry blossom seed as the base!”

“So you’ll be my little cherry blossom?” I asked with a smug smile.

“Yep!”

Aqua sighed. “Now I can’t use that on you anymore!”

I know. Eat shit, bitch. “I love you, Taya.”

“I love you more, mommy!”

“Prove it.”

“Um.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Well… prove I don’t!”

“The burden of proof is on the one who makes the statement. Lacking any evidence, I’m forced to assume we love each other equally.” She looked so confused and defeated, so I nuzzled her nose and made her happy again.

“Truly, such a role model,” Zecora sarcastically said.

“Thanks, I try. Have you ever considered having kids?”

“Such a thing is forbidden to shaman. And while I was cursed, I was too focused on finding the cure. Now that I am free of the shamanistic path and my curse, my mind has begun to… wander. It is not too late, though my time is rapidly running out. I have not yet decided either way.”

“I think zorses are adorable. But if you want a ride back to Africa, I’m sure we can arrange that as well.”

“Hm. This potion will likely take another ten or so minutes to complete. I’m not completely positive, since it is a new recipe.”

“Is that your way of asking me to leave?”

“It is my way of informing you how much longer the potion has to brew. You can interpret it however you choose.”

“Can I rub your belly while we wait?”

“You may.” She walked over to the bed and hopped up onto it before presenting her belly.

“Awww yes, first time with a zebra belly!” I let Taya go and walked over to start rubbing Zecora’s belly. “Hm, more bristley than most ponies. Do you use conditioner?”

“Oooh… R-rarely… Your hands are… amazing!”

“They’re the best,” Taya said, bumping up against me warmly. “I usually like watching her do it to other ponies. The faces they make are usually the best!”

“Well, I do have two hands,” I said, plopping down next to Zecora on the bed. Taya immediately jumped up to my lap and I soon had both of them cooing contentedly. It was pretty fucking nice.

A few minutes in, Taya shifted and sighed. “So why was Rarity so angry the last time you rubbed her belly?” she sleepily asked.

“Because she’s a dirty skank who doesn’t like nice things, especially when I’m the one giving them,” I replied.

“Makes sense.”

I’m such a good parent. Aqua snorted in disdain, which only confirmed my internal statement.

“Have you rubbed Watcher’s belly?” Zecora asked.

“Nope. I might offer, though. Having a whole crew addicted to them might be useful.”

“Until we imprison you and force you to rub our bellies for eternity.”

“That’s an acceptable fate.”

“I wouldn’t allow it,” Taya said. “At least, not unless I got priority rubs.”

“Love the loyalty, honey.”

She only answered with a giggle.

The final few minutes until the potion were done were only filled with gentle sighs and soft moans as I continued treating the two equines under my fingers just right. It felt pretty good and I know they were both happy for a moment to relax.

All good things have to end eventually, though. The potion finally made a crackling noise and thin plume of green smoke started drifting out of the top of it. Zecora rolled off the bed and walked over to it. As soon as she got there, she grabbed the vial and slowly lifted it to her eye to get a better look.

Apparently what she saw satisfied her, because she nodded and turned back to us. “It’s done.” Taya hopped off the bed and floated it over with magic. “I’m not sure how it will taste or what side effects it might have. I followed the recipe precisely, but…”

“I’ll live.” Taya immediately started drinking it. She flinched as soon as she tasted it, but swallowed every last drop of the thick, gooey liquid. Once it was empty, she lowered the flask and blinked a few times. “I… I don’t feel so…” The flask fell to the floor, shattering on impact. Her eyes rolled up in her head and she started falling, but I caught her before she could hit the glass-covered floor.

She was only out for a few seconds, thankfully. When her eyes fluttered open, I noticed that they were now dark green, almost the same shade as mine. Before I could ask her how she felt, she screamed and clutched at her head. Her hair turned shock white. I was expecting her coat to follow shortly after, but it stayed the same color for some reason. I looked back to check her tail and found that it was also white now.

Once her hair was completely white, her eyes opened wide and she started vomiting blood. I turned her over so it would drip straight to the floor. After a few seconds, chunks started falling out and she began crying in pain. All I could do was hold her hair back and pray to whoever might be listening that she would be alright.

Finally, finally, it was over and I clutched my sobbing, shuddering daughter. “How do you feel now?” I quietly asked.

“It… it hurt so much…” she hoarsely whispered.

“Yeah, I fucking bet. Are you still hurting?”

“N-no, but… I don’t feel right…”

“You just replaced the vast majority of your organs,” I said. “My process was a lot more gradual, so it was generally less painful.” Minus getting poisoned, at least. “You’ll feel different for a while, until you adjust.” I gently picked her up and looked at Zecora. “I’ll send someone to clean up this mess once I get her to a bath.”

“I will grab one of the ship’s unicorns,” Zecora said. “Take care of your daughter.”

I carried her to the closest shower and carefully set her down in it. When I tried letting her go, one of her hooves grabbed my hand. I let her hold onto it as I turned the water on. It was freezing cold at first, but it didn’t seem to bother her in the slightest. Once it was at an acceptable temperature, I started washing the blood off.

While I was doing that, Taya finally blinked and grabbed some of her mane. “It’s… It’s white!”

“So is your tail,” I said. “And your eyes are green.”

“I didn’t know it would turn my eyes green…”

“Having regrets?”

“Never. I’ll be with you forever, no matter what it takes!”

I booped her on the nose. “Good. How are you feeling now?”

“Better, I guess. I feel kinda tired, though…”

“Once we get you all cleaned up, we’ll head to the deck and chill in the sun and fresh air. Your body needs sunlight for energy now.”

“Just like my mommy,” she softly sighed.

“So what do you want to tell the others?” I asked.

“About what?”

“Why your hair is white and your eyes are green now.”

“Who cares? It’s too late for any of them to keep us apart now!”

“Right, I get that. But you know this decision won’t be popular.”

“So? You’re their lady. They have to accept it.”

“Well, the truth is generally better than fiction, so… fuck it, I guess.” I finally stepped back from the shower to look my daughter over. All the blood on her was cleaned away, thankfully. “Do you want to check your blood?” I asked, pulling a dagger out.

“No thank you.” I slid the thing away. “So how does being a tree sister actually feel?”

“Pretty fucking good, for the most part. Running out of stamina is hard, you won’t feel hungry that often, you’ll no longer need to use the bathroom, and you’ll likely lose a lot of your inner voice.”

“What does that mean?” she asked.

“You know how you usually have a constant stream of thoughts running in the back of your head?”

“Yeah.”

“That goes away sometimes. You can stare blankly at a single spot for hours on end without moving or thinking.”

“Oh. That explains a few things. Neat! So can I just start starving myself like you do instead of running?”

“We’ll talk about that when we return to Canterlot. The main reason I wanted to get you in shape was to increase your stamina in case we ever did have to run. Now that you also have a ridiculous amount of tree stamina, that probably doesn’t matter anymore. We’ll test it thoroughly when we get home.”

“That works, I guess. So when can I become human permanently?”

“Belly rubs don’t work on humans.”

“Oh. Never mind, then. I think I’m clean now, mommy. Do you want me to get the blood off of you?”

I finally looked down at myself and discovered that I was also covered in it. “Wow. Yeah, if you don’t mind.” Her horn lit up and it all disappeared. “Alright, you ready to head out to the deck?”

“Yep!” She turned the water off and then used magic to make the water slide down her body. Once she was dry, she hopped out. “Much better. I still feel kinda weird, but not as much anymore.”

“Hopefully the sun will help with that. Shall we?” She grinned up at me, so I tousled her white mane and walked out. When we got to the deck, more soldiers were out and about, doing various soldier-like calisthenics. They all grinned when they saw me, but did double-takes when they saw my daughter. I led her to the side facing the sun and leaned against the railing. After a second of thought, I undid my ponytail, letting the wind take it. “How do you feel now?”

Taya slowly inhaled, held it for a few seconds, then eased it out. “Wow. That was fast! I feel completely awake!”

“Yep. Having some time in the sunlight really helps. I have to warn you, though: Snowy days will drain you like a motherfucker. Rain isn’t as bad, but if it keeps going for days on end, it’ll make getting out of bed tough. Spring is great, summer is mostly awesome, fall is shit, winter is terrible.”

“I always knew how you felt, but I never really understood. Now I’ll be right there with you!”

“Yep. We can cuddle in bed on snowy days.”

“Ahem.” We both looked over and saw a very confused Twilight. “Taya… why is your hair white? And why are your eyes green?”

“I’m a tree sister now, like mommy!” Twilight’s mouth dropped. “Isn’t it great?”

“I’m… I’m sorry, you’re a what?!”

“Tree sister,” I said.

“But… how?! And why?!”

“I went into Athena’s book and got a recipe from her,” Taya said. “And so I can be with mommy forever!”

Twilight’s eyes moved up to mine. I couldn’t tell if she was still shocked or angry. “And you let her?”

I shrugged. “She went into Athena’s book while we were in Gryphus, using Kat’s help. She knew the potion recipe. Do you really think I could have stopped her?”

“Yes! You’re her mother, Nav! That’s literally your job! You’re supposed to stop her from doing stupid and irresponsible things!”

“I would have found a way,” Taya said. “One way or another, I would have been mommy’s little filly forever! At least this way, we match.”

“Taya, this… this isn’t good!”

“It’s also not really bad,” I said. “It is what it is. And it’s definitely not something that can be undone.”

“How are you okay with this?!”

“Because it wasn’t her choice to make!” Taya yelled, slapping a hoof on the deck. “It was my choice and mommy let me make it!”

“You’re just a filly! Nav, how could you be so irresponsible?!”

“Pretty easily, actually. I mean, I honestly don’t know why you’re surprised by this. I don’t have a track record of making good, healthy decisions.”

“You know what? You’re right, I’m not surprised. I’m just more disappointed than I ever expected I could be. You let a filly make a major, life-altering decision.”

“That I was gonna make anyway,” Taya said. “One way or another, this was gonna happen! Mommy just picked the lesser of all evils!”

“Taya, your relationship with your mother is incredibly unhealthy.”

“So? Mommy loves me and I love her! That’s all that matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks?”

Twilight sighed and facehooved. “I swear, talking to you two can be worse than talking to a brick wall. At least it wouldn’t constantly frustrate me!”

“A brick wall also can’t do this,” I said, reaching down to scratch her ears. She sighed and dropped her hoof, staring at me disdainfully. “Come on, Twiggles. Relax! It’ll all work out in the end.”

She finally slapped my hand away. “Nav, this is wrong.”

“Why?” Taya asked.

“Because you chose to stay a filly eternally!”

“And why is that wrong? I don’t want a husband or children of my own. I don’t want to build a family. I’m not interested in any other adult things. I’m happy right where I am!”

“And do you think you’ll feel the same way in ten years? Fifty? A hundred? Do you really want to be stuck like this for five hundred years, Taya?!”

“Yes,” my little filly confirmed with a nod.

Twilight sighed, shaking her head. “Well, Nav’s right. It’s not like we can undo this. You will have to live with this choice, Taya. I hope for your sake it’ll be easy.”

“I can do anything with mommy by my side!”

“I hope so. I really do.” She shook her head one more time before walking off in a huff. I flipped her the double birds as she left. Once that got old, I turned to face the scenery.

“That went marginally better than I was expecting,” I said.

“What were you expecting?”

“Her to break up with me.” Although the day is still young.

“And you let me do it anyway?”

“Twilight is a marefriend. You are my daughter. You trump her any day.”

She pressed up against my leg and we went to watching the scenery pass by. It felt pretty fucking nice.

Well, until Spike ruined it by hugging me from behind, lifting me up. I elbowed him as hard as I could in the gut, then kicked backwards, cutting out one of his knees. He dropped me and almost fell to the ground. I finally spun around and kicked him hard in the chest, sending him to the deck.

As he struggled to get up, I walked forward and put my foot on his chest, knocking him back into the ground. “I hope you learned a very valuable lesson from this,” I said.

“H-hug you lower, so you c-can’t elbow me!”

I pulled my foot back. “Taya, throw him off the side.” Spike’s eyes widened right before Taya tossed him overboard.

“He’ll be fine, right?” she asked.

“I really hope so. I’ll feel kinda bad if not.”

Sure enough, he swooped in about half a minute later, looking none the worse for wear. “That was mean!”

“And hugging me from behind after I keep telling you to knock that shit off isn’t?”

“Well… not when compared to beating me up and throwing me overboard!”

“So what else am I supposed to do, hm?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips. “If you don’t listen to my requests and you don’t listen to my orders, what other means do I have of enforcing my will? Especially on one of you high and mighty dragons!”

“Uh. Learn to accept hugs?”

“Throw him overboard again.” Spike had time to sigh before Taya tossed him out. “This is surprisingly satisfying.”

“Can we solve all our problems this way?”

“I’ll think about it.” Spike showed back up much sooner this time, at least. “Did you learn your lesson this time?”

“Honestly? Probably not. Come on, Nav! What’s not to like about hugs?”

“What’s so hard about listening to a friend’s request? Do you really care so little for my feelings?”

“Because I know you’re just requesting it to remain aloof and reserved, not because you dislike hugs. Everyone knows you love hugging people, especially ponies. You’re really bad at hiding it. Why else do you think Pinkie does it all the time?”

“Throw him over again.” Taya grabbed him and tossed him over, but he was ready this time. As he passed us, he grabbed me around the wrist, dragging me over with him.

Thankfully, I had a kind and loving daughter who teleported me back before I even fell three meters. I was standing there with my arms crossed by the time Spike landed again with a smile on his face.

As soon as he opened his mouth, I said, “Again.” Taya giggled and tossed him over one more time. He tried grabbing me again, but I jumped back. “Let’s go below.” Taya continued giggling as we hastily went back belowdecks.

When we got to my room, it was occupied by Princess Gilda. She was perusing my very small library, several of which were the books Taya brought from Athena’s labyrinth that I had been meaning to look at. “So you have finally returned,” she said. “What are these books about? I recognize this writing as human, though I do not know what it says.”

“They’re history books,” I said. “One is a diary.”

“Hm. Why is your daughter’s hair white now?”

“I’m immortal now, like mommy.”

“Ah. How did you achieve immortality?”

“With a potion,” I said. “It gave her the essence of a tree, like me.”

“Interesting. You will… Will you explain it in detail later?”

“Yes.”

She actually smiled. “Excellent. Could we perhaps speak privately, Nav?”

“Anything you can say to mommy, you can say to me!” Taya proudly said. I knelt down and whispered something to her. She blinked. “Oh. Have fun!” She trotted out, pulling the door shut with magic.

“What did you just tell her?”

“What she needed to hear to leave.” I walked closer to her and she started leaning up for a kiss, but I grabbed Athena’s book behind her. “Want to meet someone neat?”

She only seemed a little bit disappointed that I didn’t meet her kiss. “I… had something else in mind.”

“You sure? She’s another human.”

“Is this the mage you spoke of?”

“It is.”

“I am not prepared for a meeting of that… magnitude at the moment.”

“Fair enough.” I set the book back on the shelf, then casually threw Gilda onto the bed. “Then I hope your body is ready.”

“It most definitely is,” she tried to huskily reply. She only ended up actually sounding constipated, but I got over it quickly and started ravishing her.

Once the magical crystals powering the hitachi wand died, I finally called it quits. The princess was a panting mess and my bed was thoroughly defiled. “So how do you feel?” I sweetly asked.

She replied by dragging me down for a kiss. It didn’t really feel all that great on her beak, but I don’t think she cared that much. Once she was tired of it, she tugged again and forced me onto the bed with her. When I was at her mercy, she wrapped her arms around me and sighed delightfully, cuddling up close.

“I guess you feel good enough to cuddle, then.”

“Indeed. Mmm, you are something else, Navi…” Since I figured we were probably going to be there for a while, I hugged her and started gently rubbing her back. “Ooh yes, you definitely know how to treat a hen…”

“Yep. Did your brother tell you he asked me to join his harem?”

Her grip tightened and she stared at me in shock. “He what?!”

“Well, he asked me to become a royal concubine.”

“That sniveling little rat bastard! You are mine!”

“I am, huh?”

That actually made her blush. “I mean… You certainly aren’t his to take!”

“You’re right, I’m not. I turned him down. Now…” I spun her over, making her squawk in surprise. She got over it when I began rubbing her belly, though. “I think if anything, it’s more accurate that you are mine. You certainly do seem to react quite well to my ministrations. And after all that begging I had you doing, I’m surprised you think you’d have any ownership over me.”

“W-well…”

“That princess’s pride, right?” She sighed. “I do so enjoy hearing you sing, my pretty little birdy. Maybe I’ll make you sing loud enough that we’ll break you of that disgusting pride you have.”

“F-fat chance,” she muttered.

“I could always tie you to one of the masts and leave a few vibrators in you. I bet that would hasten the process.”

“...You wouldn’t dare.”

“Hm, maybe not. But maybe I would. I guess it’ll be something for you to look forward to, my pretty little princess. You know, if you want a really fun time, you should talk to the water elementals. If you find any of them willing to fuck you, they’ll be able to do all kinds of things that I can’t.”

“Hm… Such as?”

“Turn into a tentacle monster and ravage all of your holes at once. Or fill you completely, turning you into a moaning mess. Or hack into your brain and give you orgasm after orgasm without even touching you. Really, they can do all kinds of fun things to you. And if you’re really interested in getting kinky, I can hop into your dreams one night and be whoever you want me to be.”

“Yes, I am interested in getting kinky. You are always welcome in my dreams.”

“Good to know. I can also become a water elemental, so you can avoid having to deal with any of those awful things.”

“Wonderful,” she dreamily sighed. “I almost want to try it now…”

“Oh? Did I not satisfy you?”

“You most definitely did. But I somehow feel there are still so many sensations left to try, so many different ways to be filled…”

“I’m sure Twilight would also be willing to help. She’s been writing a series of books and could use a few different types of partners.”

“A… series of books?”

“About BDSM and sexuality in general. They’re incredibly popular in Equestria at the moment. If you’re interested, I’m sure she can get you a few copies. I’ve been her partner for most or all of the books, but she’s been interested in trying a griffin for a while. It’ll be completely anonymous, so there’s no reason to be worried about getting identified.”

“That is… something I will keep in mind.”

“In fact, she probably has one or two of the books somewhere around here. If not, some of the crew might.”

“Hm. Perhaps some research is merited…”

“And if you’re interested, you can borrow any of my toys, as long as you clean them when you’re done.”

“I would be interested, yes. Where can I get my own?”

“A shop in Canterlot. I’ll take you there next time you’re in town.”

“You’ll… take me there?”

“Yeah. They’re very serious about their clientele’s privacy. They have a back entrance and everything. I usually go in the front because I’m a wanton slut, but not everybody is as shameless as I.”

“What a world it would be if we were,” she sighed.

“A much better world, that’s for sure. You wouldn’t have to hide being a lesbo, for one.”

“And we wouldn’t have to hide our activities.”

“Hey, there were plenty of griffins doing lewd things in public at the festival. I’m sure if you had asked, Twilight could have turned you into a pony so you could join us. We got up to all kinds of kinky fun things.”

“That… is an interesting offer. Hm. I will certainly remember that.”

“She can also turn you into a human, a changeling, a dragon, and a housecat.”

“A human, you say…?”

“Yes, I did say.” Now that I think about it, I wonder what Athena and Hera would say if I showed up with a few more humans.

“I will most definitely be having a few conversations with Twilight soon. I assume, given your suggestions, that you do not mind?”

“You assume correctly. I’m no hypocrite. You know, usually. If I can sleep around, it’s only fair that she can, too. At least until I ever get serious with someone, at which point that’ll be stopping.”

“So you say. I find myself wondering if you could truly limit yourself to one partner.”

“I find myself wondering if I want to. Long-term faithful relationships aren’t my jam. To be honest, I’m happy enough as things are now. I’d need a very good reason to give this up.”

“If it meant our activities could continue, I certainly wouldn’t complain.” In fact, her tail began wrapping around one of my legs.

“You could always name me an honorary royal concubine,” I sarcastically replied.

“You’re right, I can. That’s a wonderful suggestion and it will absolutely solve this problem.”

“You’re not actually going to do that.”

She snorted. “I’d like to see you try and stop me.” I removed my hand from her belly. “On second thought, perhaps we can work out an alternate solution.”

“Uh huh.” I started rubbing her wonderfully soft princess belly again. “So how long do you want to bask in the afterglow this time, hm?”

“Until I’m no longer horrifically sticky, at the very least. Hm, we will need a set of eyes in the hall to ensure none of my soldiers see my walk of shame to the shower.”

“Want me to get Taya? She can clean this up in a heartbeat.”

She was silent for several long seconds before slowly saying, “I would not like your pet daughter to clean the sexual fluids from me or her owner mother.”

“Fair enough. Want me to go get Twilight? She might be willing to clean this up in a heartbeat.”

“That would be more acceptable.”

“Then give me just a moment.” I slid off the bed and walked to the door.

“Are… you not going to get dressed?”

“Are you?”

It took her several seconds to process that one. She finally shrugged and said, “Very well.”

With her permission, I walked out into the hall and immediately bumped into Amber Night, who turned to stare up at me in surprise. A few seconds later, her face turned bright red and she struggled to keep her eyes on my face. “Wonderful timing,” I said with a grin. “Would you be willing to help me clean up a little mess?”

“M-mess?” she faintly said, sniffing at the air.

“Yep, just a teensy one. Shouldn’t be a problem for my favorite crewmare!”

Her face lit up and she eagerly nodded. “Anything for you, my lady!”

“Come on in, then.” I backed up, granting her entry into my room. She happily trotted in, then froze when she saw Gilda on the bed. I eased the door shut behind her. “We were working on something and spilled something all over my bed and each other. Would you mind…?”

“W-what were you… what were you working on, my lady?”

“Strengthening relations between species,” I casually answered. “Super important and secret stuff, so I’ll have to ask you to keep quiet about it.”

She gasped and then nodded. “Of course, my lady! I won’t tell a soul!” She walked over and placed her horn against the bed. A moment later, it lit up and all the lascivious fluids on it disappeared. A few seconds later, Gilda found herself cleaned as well. Amber turned back to me with a grin and very gently poked me in the stomach with her horn. Another wave of cleanliness hit me and just like that, all proof of our activities was gone.

“Thank you, Amber,” I said, tousling her mane. Her tail hitched slightly and she squeed. “I’m glad to know I can always count on you.”

“Of course you can, my lady! I’m your most devoted employee!”

“You sure are. And if there’s any way I can ever reward you for your services, you need only ask.”

“R-really?!”

“Really.” I reached out and booped her. “Now, I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I’m sure you were on your way to do something important.”

“W-well—”

Gilda cleared her throat. “We also need to get back to work.”

Her face fell slightly. “Oh, r-right…” She perked right back up and said, “If you need anything else, just let me know!”

“Will do,” I replied, opening the door for her. She pranced out, head held high. I eased the door shut behind her.

The princess snorted as soon as it was closed. “You enjoyed that a little bit too much.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Give her a minute or two to wander off and then you should be good to leave.”

“Well… I don’t have to leave. It doesn’t seem like there’s much to do on this ship, aside from reading books or talking to others. To be quite honest, you’re the most interesting one here.”

“I mean, you’re free to stay if you want. I was just about to try contacting Moonbeam, though.”

“...How?”

I walked over to the bookshelf and opened the cabinet under it. That’s where Taya stored the magic mirror. I pulled it out and held it up. “She gave me this magic mirror. It allows me to communicate with the one in her room.”

“How does it work?”

“By holding it up and saying her name. Moonbeam.”

Her face instantly appeared in it and began talking. “So you’ve finally decided to try out the mirror. Well, first you’ll have to get through this message. So let me detail every little wonderful thing I’m going to do to you the next time we meet, my succulent little morsel…”

The message continued and described a number of extremely lewd and honestly fun sounding activities that made both me and Gilda blush like schoolgirls. They also gave me quite a few ideas for things to try out with either the princess or Twilight.

I’m not sure how she managed to get enough material for a ten minute message, but it really made me look forward to our next meeting even more. Once it was finally over and I could see my own face in the mirror, Gilda very awkwardly cleared her throat. “Well. That was… something.”

“Yeah, it was fucking hot,” I said. “God damn. Moonbeam.” My reflection disappeared and I was left staring at a roof. “Anybody home?” After a few seconds of silence, I shrugged and continued, “That message got me all kinds of wet. It actually makes me happy to give you some dark and unpleasant news: Luna thinks Celestia’s planning something unpleasant for when I return from the Zone. I’m planning on heading to the Crystal Empire before returning to Canterlot to meet with a few other allies. I’d like for you to be there. Call me back whenever you can. We can play phone tag until our schedules match up and we can arrange for a real conversation.” I stared at it for a few more seconds before clearing my throat. “I’m uh… not really sure how to hang up. Moonbeam?” The mirror continued defiantly showing me her ceiling. “Fuck, maybe if I…” I set the thing on the bed and her ceiling was replaced by my own. “Perfect.”

“You always have the best toys. Can it go to anybody but that monster?”

“It doesn’t go to any monsters, just a cute and cuddly bug queen.” She rolled her eyes. “But I’m pretty sure it just goes to her.” I picked the mirror up again and set it back in the cabinet. “So, what would you like to discuss? How we can… strengthen relations between the races, perhaps?”

“I would like to discuss humanity.”

“Can we discuss griffins instead?”

“No. In particular, I would like to learn more about you and your life before Equestria.”

“Oh. I’d rather not.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because there’s not much to tell and most of it is depressing. Some things should just stay in the past where they belong.”

“Hm. I am interested, regardless. I would be honored to—”

“No.”

“...Nothing? Not even a scrap?”

“Nothing. All that I was, all that I could have been, all that I knew… is gone. Leave it that way.”

“As you wish,” she slowly said. “I thought you would be interested in speaking of your past. It seems that you never discuss it.”

“There’s a reason for that. The ponies have learned to stop asking.”

“Are you ashamed, perhaps? Or—”

“Tell me about your mother.”

She blinked. “I would… rather not.”

“Want me to keep pestering you about it, then? I wouldn’t mind. You don’t seem to, after all.”

“...I suppose there are just some things one does not wish to talk about. I understand.”

“So tell me about your oldest brother, Hooters. I wasn’t able to get a good feeling for his personality. Is he a good leader?”

We managed to talk about the rest of her family until somebody finally knocked. I hopped up to open it, revealing Watcher. His eyes looked over my nude body with hurtful disinterest before meeting my eyes. “My lady.”

“Howdy. Luna wants to be my vassal. What do you think?”

“I believe you should accept her offer. I’m here to talk about Taya.”

“What did she do this time?”

“Don’t play coy.”

“Oh, is this about the tree thing?”

“Yes. Why did you allow her to do it?”

“Because she would just keep trying to become immortal until she finally figured it out. At least this way, our immortalities are directly compatible. I figured there was no reason not to allow it.”

“Aside from her being a lot younger than one would expect for making such huge, life-altering decisions.”

“Yeah, well, you know.”

“No, I don’t know. Please explain it.”

God dammit, what is with you people? “What part of she was going to do it anyway do you find difficult to understand?”

“The part where you’re fully capable of reining her in, if you want.”

“Bullshit. She does stuff she knows will piss me off all the time. If I told her not to do this, she would probably make the potion herself just to spite me. Honestly, I’m not really sure what you want me to do about this. Why complain if it’s already too late?”

“I feel that you’re setting a very bad precedent by letting her do this. If you keep letting her make major choices that she has no business making at her age, she’s going to get hurt or traumatized.”

“And when she falls, I will pick her up. People don’t grow by being coddled, Watcher. They grow by making choices, being allowed to fail. If those choices go poorly, their friends and family pick them up and they learn from them. I do not and will not let Taya get her way all the time. I’m afraid that there are times when I can’t prevent her from doing something, and I think this was one of them. I decided it would be better to give her my blessing and allow her to do it safely than tell her no and have her seek it out behind my back. I will never just mindlessly give her what she wants. It will always depend on context.”

“...So you decided, based on this context, that she should be allowed to stop her aging as a filly.”

“Yes.”

“I disagree with your decision, my lady, and believe you will come to regret it.”

“Noted. Is there anything else you need?”

“Please put on clothes. If any of the griffin soldiers suspect what you two have been up to, there will be repercussions.”

“‘Kay.” He bowed before walking off. I left the door open and started pulling my clothes back on.

“I’m surprised you allow your subjects to speak to you in that manner,” Gilda quietly said.

“Sometimes it’s annoying. Usually it’s valuable. When you surround yourself with very wise, intelligent people, it often pays to listen to them. There’s no reason to pay them, otherwise.”

“Hm. I suppose.”

When I was finally dressed, I quickly checked my pockets. Once that was done, I nodded. “I need to go find Gourd. You’re free to stay on my bed if you want, but I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get back.”

“Then I shall go speak to the minotaur. I would like him to explain runes to me.”

“His name is Jak. His room is attached to the smithy.”

“Excellent. I’m thankful for your time, Nav. I hope we can spend more time together soon.”

“I think that’ll be doable. Don’t forget to spend some time with Twilight, too.”

She grinned. “I won’t. Perhaps I will borrow a few of her books as well.”

I bet you’ll be featuring in some of them, too. “Good. See you soon, Gilda.” She nodded and walked past me, running her tail along my side as she passed. I followed her out and pulled the door shut behind me. She started walking toward the smithy and I began walking up to the deck.

When I got outside, I took a quick look around the deck. Luna was standing at the front of the ship, watching the horizon. Spike was sparring with Char, which reminded me that I needed some practice before we got to the bunker. Felix was speaking with one of the crew members. Several of the guards were talking to water elementals. Gourd was nowhere to be seen.

I walked up the stairs to the second level and found him ponying the wheel. “Good evening, my lady,” he warmly said.

“Howdy. Do you want to complain about what Taya did, too?”

“Nope, I’m good.”

“Baller. Luna asked to be my vassal. What should I tell her?”

He shrugged. “As you said before, nobody wants to work with Luna, but we all recognize her value. If you can stand having the mare that caused so much of your pain around, I say she would be worth having.”

“Alright.” I spun back around and went down the stairs.

Before I could get too far along the deck, Felix the kitty stepped in front of me. “Hello again, my lady,” he said with a charming grin.

“Hi.”

“Your crew has quite a lot to say about you. I must admit, I’m quite impressed!”

“Okay.”

His confident expression took a small hit, but he powered through. “I have to say, as much as they’ve told me, I’m still curious for more.”

“Well, there are plenty of people here you haven’t spoken to, I’m sure.”

“There are… but I was hoping to hear tales from the lovely lady herself!”

“I’m never, ever going to have sex with you. The only reason I’m even talking to you right now is because you’re part of Princess Gilda’s retinue. I hate thieves, I hate people with absolutely no honor of any kind, I hate cowards, and I hate con artists. Get out of my way before I have Spike incinerate you.”

The look on his face very rapidly went away. When I was finished, he stepped aside and bowed. I continued walking.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Aqua said. She was right next to us on the deck, so she actually got a front row seat for it.

“I’m not a very nice person,” I flippantly replied. Soon enough, I was standing behind Luna. “Like what you see?” I asked.

She finally turned around with a small smile. “I do, Nav. It’s been far too long since I went on an adventure. Feeling the wind in my coat after so long is… refreshing.”

“Something happened with Taya that accelerated a few thought processes in my mind.” I finally pulled my noble seal out of my pocket. “I’ve made up my mind. Kneel and swear.”

“...Is your daughter well?” she asked.

“Yeah, she just took on the life of a tree, like me. After talking to her about it and after talking to Twilight and Watcher about it, I made up my mind. Forever’s a long time to suffer for a mistake, but if it’s a mistake you want to make, I’m not going to stand in your way. I’ll admit that I will absolutely find you useful. If you want to swear to me, I’ll accept it.”

She knelt and pressed her horn against the seal. “I swear to serve and protect you to the best of my abilities. I forgo all other oaths and swear to serve only you. I swear to treat all your employees fairly and never quarrel with your other vassals.”

The seal flashed and I felt a small pulse in my hand. “Rise, Luna.” She stood, finally wearing a real smile. “I got dibs on telling Celestia. I wanna see the look on her face.”

“Please do it while I’m there,” Luna replied. “I also want to see her expression.”

“Deal. When’s the last time you got some fire in your blood?”

“It has been too long. Do you propose a practice bout?”

“Yes. Challenge Blaze and determine his lethality, then try your luck against Char. I want to know what these things are really made of. Celestia whooped Blaze’s ass all up and down the palace, so you should have an easy time of it.”

“As you wish,” she replied with a short bow. “Though I would also like to help you grow as well.”

“And you will. But for now, I have several books I need to get caught up on. If I’m going to be forced to rule the world, I need to do some research.”

“Understandable. I would offer historical texts about Equestria’s kingdom, but I’m afraid they no longer exist.”

“Yes they do,” I said with a grin. “You just have to know where to look. Burning books is easy. Burning all books is hard. Censoring an idea is easy. Killing an idea is impossible.”

“Not for lack of trying, I’m sad to say,” she sighed.

“I’ve seen the mistakes of the past,” I said. “I know what to watch out for. Authoritarianism must be avoided. All people must be free to make their own choices, including the choice to remember the past. Otherwise, they will never learn from the past. When we cast your sister down, we will teach them what a tyrant she was.”

“Good. Ruling might be difficult, however…”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” I said. “I’m not going to create a democracy or even a republic. We are going to rule the world, period. Democracy has some redeeming traits, but I know I won’t fuck people over. I know what my morals are and I will strive to always wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not going to give my power away to somebody I’m not sure about, even if that’s what the people think they want.”

“And what of the griffins?” Luna asked.

“The king still has the final say in most matters. Parliament just gets to dictate some things. That isn’t necessarily bad, as long as the king can check their power and is just about it. The problem my people ran into is that the ability to vote divided them in the end. Those who lost blamed those who won for all the problems in the country, which created a huge partisan gap. I’m not interested in seeing that happen again. We will rule and the people will fall behind us, end of story.”

“And those who try to defy us?”

“That depends on how. I’m not going to restrict the press or freedom of speech. I’m not going to kill those who question or critique us. But any who rebel will be given one chance to surrender before being utterly and totally annihilated. There will be no room for discord in the world we build.”

“And annihilating our enemies isn’t discordant?”

“It’s better than the alternative of allowing them to continue spreading mayhem. The other option is imprisoning and reeducating them.”

She looked over my shoulder, at the water elementals who were staring at us. “They have the ability to enter minds. Do they have the ability to change minds?”

“Yes, but that’s just as good as murder.”

“Hm, perhaps. A dead pony is useless to all but vermin. A living, subservient pony could be very useful.” I narrowed my eyes. “Of course, it will be your choice to make. But I was under the impression you tended to seek out advice from those around you.”

“I’m not a fan of direct subjugation and mind-wipe.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t use it anyway. You can feel squeamish about a tactic but still recognize that it’s the most viable means of dealing with a problem. And as an answer to the question of how we deal with rebels without causing more discord, using water elementals to make them passive is a decent one.”

Aqua giggled in my head and whispered, “I like this one!”

“That is a bridge we will cross when we get to it,” I said. “With luck, we will have a good alternative that doesn’t involve forcefully modifying somebody’s mind.”

“Perhaps luck will be on our side,” Luna said. “It matters little to me, I suppose.”

“It should. You may be my vassal, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to use your critical thinking skills once in a while.”

“Excellent. Celestia rarely sought my opinion. She ordered and I unquestioningly obeyed.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen with me. If I tell you to do something, I want you to think about the best way to actually accomplish what I’m telling you. If you can think of a better way, suggest it.”

“As you command, my liege lady.”

“Nav is fine. Do you have any suggestions for better determining the lethality of the fires?”

“I believe a few practice bouts will do the trick. With your permission, I will begin immediately.”

“Granted.” She bowed again and walked past me. I thought about taking her position at the front of the ship for a few minutes, but decided to follow her instead. I got as far as turning around before realizing two water elementals were right behind me, Flo and Brook. “...Ladies.”

“We couldn’t help but overhear a few of your… future plans,” Brook said.

“Oh?” I said, crossing my arms.

“This isn’t a confrontation, Nav,” Flo warmly said. “We’ve long thought that Celestia was leading the world poorly. We’re hoping you will accept our guidance going forward. Ruling the world will not be an easy undertaking.”

“Something tells me I’m not gonna have much of a choice,” I sarcastically replied.

“There is always a choice,” Brook said, her eyes turning pink. “But we stand with you, if you would have us. I understand that you are wary of us after some of what has happened, but you know that none of us would ever seek to hurt you or circumvent your will.”

Dramatic irony at its finest, folks. “Uh huh. And what did you think of Luna’s suggestion, then? Mind washing inconvenient political prisoners?”

“I believe it is morally bankrupt,” Flo said.

“And I believe it is better than the alternative,” Brook said. “Killing a person standing up for what they believe in is vile.”

“Uh huh. I wonder what the Jews would have to say about that.” Her eyes went from pink to blue. “There are evil people in this world that have vile beliefs. Some of them espouse harming others. There are also professional criminals in this world like that scum Felix who live by taking what others have rightfully earned. We’ll have to find a way to analyze how to mitigate the evil in this world. If that involves killing those who seek to harm others or feed off their hard work, so be it. But if we decide that destroying who they are as a person and replacing it with something socially acceptable is better, then that is the path we will take. Neither option is pretty, but I refuse to build a society that allows scum to run free with no consequences.”

“I’m afraid that the higher one rises in rank and social standing, the more difficult their choices become,” Flo quietly said. “You are seeking to rise to the very top. I’m sad to say that many of your choices will devolve into dark matters such as this.”

“Which is why advisers become all the more important,” Brook added. “You are surrounded by several long-time rulers. We offer you our wisdom, Nav. Please don’t reject it out of hand. I once proposed to you a choice between the water elemental way and the way so many others have tried and failed. You stand at a huge precipice with two bridges leading into the future. Which path will you take? You will have to make a choice soon.”

I’m afraid it’s already been made for me. “Then I will do my best to think quickly.”

I began walking past them, but Flo grabbed my arm. I almost flinched back, but managed to stop myself. “May we… speak, Nav?” she asked.

“I’m listening.”

“Privately?” she added, turning pink.

“As you wish.” She wrapped one of her arms around mine as I continued walking down to my room. Oh, all the things I wish I could say. But alas, I’m a prisoner in my own body…

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Aqua giggled. “You really should be more grateful, Navi.”

And you should really consider suicide.

“Destruction of my main form wouldn’t really do much to help you or Celestia, you know. I’d still control you both and could slowly rebuild.”

I guess it really would be too good to be true, even if it would be surprisingly satisfying. Hell, why can’t the others even sense you? I thought they could sense hosts.

“If we wish to be sensed. If not, we can hide, even from others of our own kind. Should they ever seek to invade your mind, they would find me instantly.”

Then I guess it’s a shame the others actually have morals.

“For you, perhaps. I’m not complaining.”

“You seem more stressed than usual,” Flo warmly said.

“I’ve had a lot on my mind. The vacation didn’t help.”

“You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Nav,” she sighed. “You expect to take Discord on by yourself.”

“No I don’t. I’m building an entire team to do it for me. I don’t expect to be able to do a thing to that monster, at least not until I get a soul.”

We finally got to my room. She let me in first, then followed me and eased the door shut. “Have you thought on my offer? I am part of your extended team, I know, but I would like once more to be in your inner circle. I miss you, Nav.”

And at this point, I miss having a sane elemental in my head. “I want you to act as my guard when we touch down in front of the forest. Help get me there in one piece. We’ll talk about what happens after that on the way home.”

“With pleasure. I never once meant to hurt you, Nav. Not truly. I hope you will come to understand that in time.”

“I already do. And I know I’m going to need you and the rest of the elementals in the coming years. I don’t like the way things are going, but I honestly don’t think I have a choice anymore. Celestia needs to go and I’m not sure who else I’d trust to replace her but me.”

“The others may have their doubts, but I know you are making the right choice. It is too late to redeem that demon. I would be pleased to be at your side as an adviser and friend once things finally settle down.”

“Good. I’ll need all the trustworthy help I can get.”

“And… if you are ever interested in becoming my host once again, I will always be open to it.”

“It’s an offer I’ll keep in mind,” Aqua said with my mouth. “But for the moment, I want to keep my head to myself.” If only.

“I understand, even if it is saddening. Would you like to discuss what happened with Taya? Or what your long-term plans are for Luna?”

“There’s nothing to discuss about Taya. And we’ll see how Luna pans out. She seems wholly devoted to me, so I’m not too worried, but I’m not sure how she’ll be received by the rest of the world. I’m also very concerned about what the others will think about me so casually accepting her oath.”

“From what I saw, it wasn’t casual. At the very least, you made her sweat for a few hours.”

“Tell that to Twilight and Blossom.”

She bowed her head. “As you wish.” Before I could stop her, she slid under the door.

Well, at least one of you fuckers obeys me.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about the others,” Aqua said. “Celestia and I are working on a way to put them under my control. Then you truly will be mine forever!”

I knew she was just trying to beat down my willpower, so I tuned her out and grabbed Athena’s history book, the one Taya got from the maze. Much to my surprise, I could actually read it, though I don’t think it was actually written in English. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some kind of automatic translation spell on it.

Either way, I fell onto the bed and started reading.

A few hours after I started reading, I heard something from my cabinet. It only took me a second to realize what it was and I set the book down so I could pull the mirror out. Moonie’s face was staring back at me. “Ah, there you are,” she said. “I got your message.”

“Cool beans. You down to meet us at Cadance’s pad in a few weeks?”

“That will be doable, but I will need a more accurate timeframe than a few weeks.”

“I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. I’m not sure how long this trip is going to take, but her palace will probably be our next destination.”

“Excellent. I hope to make good on my promises. I trust your body will be adequately prepared.”

“I’m always ready for your gentle touch, Moonie.”

She smirked. “Yes, I know I am your favorite.” I wouldn’t go that far, but… “I’m looking forward to seeing you in person again, my cute little pet.”

“Hey, what did we decide about calling me pet?”

“That I could only do it if I recognized that you weren’t actually my pet, and that it’s only an endearing nickname.”

“Good, just wanted to make sure you remembered. If you’re lucky, it might soon be wife.”

“Only if Celestia tries playing her hoof, of course. We shall see which way the wind blows. With enough allies, you might not even need my support.”

“Maybe. But I always like having you around anyway. Your bright smile just lights up the room.”

“Flattery will get you many places, including straight into my bed. Keep that up and I might forget all the times you used that horrid short version of my name.”

“You know you like it, Moonie.”

“...Perhaps. Apparently edging you isn’t as much of a punishment as I thought. I’ll try to think of something else. It shouldn’t be difficult.”

“I look forward to it, Moonie,” I sweetly replied.

“Then until we meet again, my succulent morsel.” She placed her mirror down before I could reply, leaving me looking at my own slightly blushing face.

“Man, she is so fucking sexy.”

“You have problems,” Aqua stuffily replied.

I couldn’t really deny that, so I put the mirror back in the cabinet and continued reading.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

It took us five days to cross through the bitterly cold mountains. Between Luna and Gilda’s griffins, we were able to skip several wrong paths. In that time, I contacted Kat through the dream world and got all the information she was able to glean from scouting around in the jungle. In short, it wasn’t much.

Twilight and I also got to take turns playing with Princess Gilda. The poor hen wasn’t even safe in her dreams, not that she minded much. The only reason we didn’t play with her together is because Twilight was still kinda upset about what happened with Taya, which I guess was kinda understandable.

Felix continued learning more about me, though he didn’t approach me again. Spike also started hugging me more, since I refused to admit he was right about enjoying hugs. To be honest, it didn’t really bother me as much as it should have, though I made sure to struggle every time.

The first sign that we might have been in over our heads was the fact that we saw the shimmering purple dome over the top of the last mountain range in the way. It was so huge we could see it from kilometers away. As soon as it came into sight, everybody rushed over to the edge of the ship.

“It’s… enormous,” one of the water elementals whispered.

“What could sustain something like that?” Twilight asked. “The amount of magical energy it would take to even cast such a spell would be immeasurable!”

“We never found the source,” Luna said. “My expedition didn’t make it far enough.”

“What happens if you touch it?” I asked.

“It stops you,” Luna replied. “It doesn’t seem to harm anything, though all snow that hits it melts on impact.”

“Did you try hitting it with magic?” I asked.

“No. I deemed it a waste of energy. It has stood for thousands of years. Probably much longer. Nothing I could hit it with would do a thing.”

“I would like a chance to get closer to it,” Twilight said. “There are magical tests I could run. We might be able to locate the source.”

“How sure are we that it won’t react poorly?” I asked. “Would it be possible to have a magical shield that would strike back against things trying to probe it?”

“That was also on my mind,” Luna said. “I imagine something so powerful likely has defense mechanisms. This location was never meant to be penetrated. The fact that there is a hole in the side of the mountain is either pure luck or meant to be a test.”

“A test for who?” I asked.

Felix actually answered that one. “All dungeons are guarded by either monsters or traps. That way, no unworthy adventurer would ever obtain the treasure inside. The greatest treasures are always guarded by the greatest obstacles!”

Can’t really fault the logic in that. Watcher spoke up next, though. “There’s a betting pool among the guards,” he said. “Slightly more than half of us think Nav is the chosen one meant to break into the vault. The rest think we’re all gonna die horribly.”

“Why would I be the chosen one?” I asked.

“Because you were the one who went back in time and met the place’s previous owner. Why else would all of these defenses be here, but to keep the place safe until you return and get what he left for you?”

“If you ever call me the chosen one again, I’m making Luna take away your night guard appearance.”

His ears flinched. “I apologize, my lady. You’ll never hear it again.”

“I dunno. I think pink might suit you.”

“I learned my lesson, I swear!”

“Uh huh.” See there? That’s how you handle an unruly subject.

“With threats?” Aqua asked.

Only threats. You didn’t have to take me over to get me to do what you wanted.

“I know, but I like you better this way. I’ll like you even more once I turn you into the perfect bride for your partner-to-be!”

“So what do you think our ETA is?” I asked.

“Passing this last range will take us an hour or two,” Luna said. “And if things haven’t changed, that will put us in view of the forest.”

“And our other ship,” Watcher said. “We should send flyers out soon to make contact.”

“Do you think your troops can manage in the cold and the altitude?”

“I’ll tell Shadow Fall and Nightshade to get suited up. They’ll be out on deck shortly.” He trotted off to the lower levels.

“It will be nice to put this matter to rest,” Luna said, her eyes staring at the purple shield.

“Are you that confident?” Twilight asked. “Given what we know, I don’t think it’ll be difficult, but surely somebody else powerful enough has had the same idea we do.”

“Someone pulled the dream machine out,” I replied. “So somebody else has obviously gotten a powerful enough group together to make it through that place and get some heavy objects back. But if there are still enough artifacts left that people like Felix can make a profit off of it, I think the motherlode has yet to be found. And as much as I rag on Watcher for it, a part of me agrees that I’m the one that’s supposed to find it.”

“You believe yourself to be some manner of chosen one?” Luna asked.

“Nothing so much like that. But I did have a talk with the past me and told him that this place still existed. He said it was interesting and that I needed to explore it when I could. The fact that it’s still standing after all these years means there’s something there. I’m confident that we can find it.”

“As am I,” Luna said. “You have built a strong team, much better than the retinue I had when attempting to break in. We will make it.”

“Damn right,” I said. “Luna, come with me.” That got a few looks, but Luna followed me down into the ship. I led her to my room and she closed the door behind us. “In terms of experience, you would logically be suited to second in command.”

“In terms of experience, I should be in command. But I yield to you in all matters, liege lady. I will follow whatever order you give, even if it is to follow the orders of another.”

“Oh no, you answer directly to me. I’m just letting you know that you probably won’t have anybody answering to you. At least, not yet.”

“That is acceptable. Unlike my sister, I do not need others to do my dirty work.”

“You realize you just compared me to your sister.”

“You do not need me, do you? I merely offered my assistance and you accepted. You were doing just fine without me.”

“Whatever. Do you want Jak to make you a set of armor for future use?”

“I asked him the day you accepted me as a vassal. We have worked on it every day since. It will be finished before we embark.”

“Oh. I guess that works.”

“He also mentioned searching for ways to make ponies more lethal in combat, so I drew him several designs I found most effective in the old days.”

“If they worked back then, why doesn’t Celestia use them now?”

“She fears the rise of the military,” Luna replied. “I wasn’t alone in my betrayal. The vast majority of the armed forces followed me. We decimated her remaining loyalists before she even knew what was happening. From then on, it was just her, her vassals, the cursed unicorns in that eternally damned tower, and the Elements of Harmony. If she hadn’t destroyed Ponero with a comet, I would have won even with those advantages. But ever since my betrayal, she has been working to turn the army from an effective war group to an ineffective showpiece defense force. That is why huge crime rings run rampant under her own nose. Blossom was going to be my protege, a true force to be reckoned with. Something to fix all the problems Celestia allowed to flourish in my absence.”

“I don’t think she agrees with your choice.”

“I am aware.”

“And what is Ponero? I think Celestia mentioned it once, but I haven’t found any information about it.”

She snorted. “I’m surprised Celestia would even mention it. It was my capital, the seat of my power and a military fortress so powerful nothing could take it. She destroyed it with a comet. That is why the wastelands in the center of Equestria exist. We used to keep all of it safe. With its destruction, monsters were allowed to run rampant. And after my defeat, all of her well-trained and high ranking officers were dead. Instead of starting over from scratch, she decided to reign supreme as Equestria’s protector, fearing any attempts to steal her power. That is also when she decided to completely control history, erasing moments she didn’t like and creating a much nicer history where she ruled eternally as a loving mother.”

“...You’re looking forward to this confrontation, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am,” she smugly said, a frankly creepy smile on her face. “Once I have her on the floor, I am going to slice off her horn, bash her on the skull, and send her straight to the moon. I will laugh as she takes her dying breaths and attempts to beg for mercy. The last thing she will see before dying in agony is my gloating face.”

“Neat. So why can you survive on the moon but not anybody else?”

“To be honest, I do not know. I often ponder if Celestia can survive on the sun, but she refuses to make the attempt.”

“Understandable, to be honest. I hope you don’t mind, but we’re probably gonna be having more history talks in the future.”

“I do not mind in the slightest. If that is all for now, I shall go check on my armor, then return to the top.”

“That’s all.” She bowed and left, leaving the door open behind her. That didn’t much matter to me, so I pulled off my heavy clothes and began pulling on carbon nanotube armor. Once it was in place, I started lining it with weapons. Two daggers went on my back. The sword went on my side. I carried two strings of throwing knives strapped around my stomach. I put the alicorn amulet and the ring in a pouch on my side. After a second or two of thought, I slid the weird collapsing baton into a pocket as well. I slid a few rifle magazines into a larger pouch on the other side.

When I was adequately covered in weapons, I swung my leather cloak around my shoulders. I finally got around to lining it with fur from some of OG’s kills. I also sewed on a hood, also lined with heavy fur. All in all, it was warm and comfy as fuck. It was also lined with pockets, though I hadn’t created any new weapons to hide in them yet. With it around my shoulders, I grabbed my rifle, loaded it, and went up to the deck.

Everybody was back to whatever they had been doing when the dome came into view. I started walking toward Watcher and his two guards, but Princess Gilda stepped in my way with a smile. “I must say, I quite like your new look,” she warmly said.

“Yeah, I feel like a badass. Getting suited up usually makes me a little bit wet.”

“That’s not surprising in the slightest, if I’m being honest. I think I like the tough warrior look. It’s… quite sexy.”

“And I like the corrupted bookworm look. It’s also super sexy. Do you still want guards assigned to you, or will you be fine with the griffins you already have?”

“Give me the dragon.”

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yes. Why? Do you doubt him?”

“Not at all. Spike is loyal, lethal, and he won’t let you down. He just—”

I was cut off by a hug from behind. This time, he wrapped the cloak around my arms so all I could do was sullenly kick. “I just what, Navi?” he sweetly asked.

“He’s just a big faggot!” I growled, struggling to break free. He wasn’t having it, though, having learned most of my tricks.

Gilda smirked. “Seeing you like this somewhat undermines your image of a great warrior.”

“She’s just a cuddly wittle human,” Spike mockingly said. He made the mistake of trying to nuzzle the back of my head, which made headbutting him easy. He reared backwards and finally let me go to clutch at his face, so I kicked him right between the legs. Luckily for him, he was still sheathed, but it still made him fall to the ground. One talon was clutching his face and the other, his junk.

I looked back to Gilda with a feral grin. “He’s all yours, princess. Good luck.” She snorted and I finally pushed past her to meet up with Watcher. His scouts took off while I was dealing with Gilda, so it was just him.

“Spike is going to help guard the princess.”

“Very well. What are you going to do about Luna?”

“She’ll be with me. I’ll also have Kat, Taya, and Flo. All the guards will be under your command. The water elementals will answer to Brook.”

“And the fires?”

“They’re on point.”

“Twilight?”

“I’ll let her roam as she wants, though she’ll have to stay with the group.”

“What will we do with the ships?”

“Keep them both out of range of anything that might sneak out of the forest. With luck, the storms won’t get too bad out here. Changelings can cloud bust, can’t they?”

“I believe so. I also think the crew unicorns learned how to cast a few weather related spells.”

“Excellent. So what do you think, old man? Did we prepare enough?”

He actually nodded. “I’m not going to say it’ll be easy, but I believe we have a good chance of getting in and getting out.”

“A vote of confidence from the big grump himself! I must be doing something right.”

“You’ve also done plenty of things wrong, so don’t let it go to your head.”

“Aww, I think the big grump needs a tummy rub!”

“Maybe when we get back.” I don’t know how to feel about that, actually. “Unless you need anything else, I’m going below to get ready.”

“Go for it. I’ll be here.” He bowed his head and went below. I walked over to the side of the deck facing the dome, which could still be seen over the top of the mountain. “I’m coming for you, motherfucker.”

“And you’re gonna get him, mommy,” Taya happily said, pressing up against me. “Your cloak looks nice and warm! You should make me one, too.”

“I’ll see what I can do. How would you feel about a suit of armor? I was waiting until you were fully grown, but I guess there’s no reason to, now.”

“Why would I need armor, mommy? I’m gonna be behind you the whole time!”

“Just in case, of course. As a bonus, it’ll make you look fierce.”

“Oooh, that sounds nice! Can I help design it?”

“Yep. You’ll have to work with Jak or Smiles.” And I’ll have to double check to make sure it’s appropriate. “Luna knows how to make it lighter. That should definitely help.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“She’s my vassal now too, Taya. I thought you said it would be okay if she became my vassal.”

“...Is that why you changed your mind?”

“No.” Though it is an added bonus. “I want you to treat her the same you would, say, Kat.”

She sighed and nodded. “Okay, mommy…”

I rubbed her head. “That’s my filly. Go below and get everything you’ll need. Pack light, but be ready for at least one night, possibly two.”

“What would I even need?” she asked. “I don’t have to eat anymore!”

“Clothes. It snap-freezes in the crater. We’ll be using magic to keep the temperature steady, but you’ll still want something just in case. That will also give you pouches for potions from Zecora or loot we find.”

“I guess that makes sense. We’ll have to go hunting in the Everfree when we get back. That way I can help pick out the animal for my cloak!”

“Sounds fun to me. It should be easy since we’ll both be invisible to the critters in there. Now you head on below and get ready. I’ll be up here when you get back.”

“Okay, mommy.” She trotted off, happily wagging her tail.

As soon as she was gone, I was approached by a water elemental. Unfortunately, it was the shittest one there was. “And what can I do for you, Aqua?” I unpleasantly asked.

“I think it is unwise to leave your protection up to Flo. She is not trained in combat. Wouldn’t you be better off in the hands of another?”

“You mean like Luna, Taya, and Kat?”

She held up one of her hands and it became a spike. “I can protect you better than any of them. I can certainly protect you better than Flo ever could.”

“I think I’ll be fine.”

She smirked. “When you change your mind, I’ll be ready.” With that, she slithered off.

So what was the point of that?

“Why would you turn her down?” Twilight asked from next to me.

“How the fuck do you ponies keep sneaking up on me?” I asked. “Seriously, you have loud, cloppy hooves!”

“Nav, this isn’t going to be a safe trip. You need all the help you can get.”

“I need the troops I have to obey the orders I give. Aqua is going to be on Brook’s line, acting as part of the spearhead through the forest. If she does her job properly, I won’t need guards at all. And even if she doesn’t do her job properly, I’m still in good hands and hooves.”

“Do you really trust Luna more than Aqua?”

“Absolutely, in a fucking heartbeat.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Unbelievable. What has Aqua done that was really that bad, Nav?”

Oh, if only I could sing to you the ways… “Luna swore an oath to me. And she passed a lie test. She’s dedicated wholly to serving me. It isn’t about what Aqua’s done to me, it’s about what Luna has done for me. And in terms of sheer lethality, we’ve already seen that Luna beats everybody here hands down. I’m safer in her forsaken hooves than I am with anybody else.”

“...If she’s willing to turn on her own sister, she’ll be willing to turn on you, too. All it will take is a good enough reason.”

“Her sister treated her like trash. I won’t make the same mistake. Generally speaking, I reward my followers well.”

“I certainly can’t deny that,” she said. “Something for which my friends have been quite grateful. Of course, you also tend to ask a lot.”

“It makes sense to me,” I replied with a shrug. “If you ask hard things of people, you pay them well for it. That ensures more quality work in the future as well as loyalty. If Luna somehow fails to protect me, I still have Kat, Taya, Flo, and myself. I think I’ll be fine. Adding any more to my entourage will just make it harder to command.”

“And you don’t think taking the time to get on better terms with Aqua would make it worthwhile?”

“Not when I could spend the time to get on better terms with Flo instead. Our relationship has deteriorated. I would like to fix that.”

“What about your relationship with Aqua?”

“What about your relationship with Celestia?” She blinked. “She’s never done anything directly to you, has she? So what’s stopping you from trying to make things right with her?”

“My own morals.”

“And my own morals are preventing me from dealing with Aqua.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

I tousled her mane. “You’ll come to understand in time, Twiggles.” She sighed, shook her head, and walked away.

“That was the point,” Aqua smugly replied in my head.

You’re a really unpleasant being.

“Like you can talk.” I wasn’t really interested in another session of Aqua’s insanity, so I just sighed and dropped it. “That’s part of how I’ll win, you know. I can keep barraging you until you just give in and accept it!”

I’m not accepting anything. I’m just ignoring you.

“She says, in reply to me.”

“Feeling nervous?” the next pony to bother me asked. I looked down and discovered it was Sunny Disposition.

“Not particularly,” I answered.

“Oh. You were just grimacing, so I assumed… Well, I made cookies for you, either way!” Her horn lit up and a small box of them appeared. “Taya actually didn’t know which you’d prefer, so I only made chocolate chip this time. Amber even helped!”

“Chocolate chip is perfectly fine,” I said, taking the box. “Amber didn’t put anything weird in there, right?”

“I smacked her with a spatula every time she tried adding any special ingredients.”

“Just checking.” I finally popped the box open and nommed one of the fuckers down. It was pretty dank. “I approve.”

“Good! I thought they might help take the edge off. You’re not allowed to share, though. You have to eat every single one!”

“Deal. And if anybody asks, I’ll tell them you were the one who said I couldn’t share.”

“Good,” she replied with a nod. “You need more meat on your bones, my lady.”

“Yeah, the stallions would love more cushion for the pushin’.” So would everything else I fuck, honestly.

“Right. Honestly, you’re so skinny that it’s scary sometimes. I really don’t think your bones should be showing under your skin!”

Way to body shame me. “Probably not. It’s not that bad anymore, though. I’ll let you see later if you promise to give Amber all the details.”

She sighed and shook her head. “That poor mare has it bad, my lady. How long are you going to keep torturing her?”

“All she has to do is ask and it ends, just like that. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if she gets off to the teasing.”

“That… is an interesting proposition. I honestly don’t know. Is that even a thing?”

“Yes. I guess I’ll keep teasing her until she finally gives in and tells me what she wants.”

“You’re such a wonderful lady,” she sighed. “Always thinking about your subjects…”

I grabbed another cookie and said, “I know, I’m a fucking miracle,” with my mouth full.

She giggled and said, “Enjoy your cookies, my lady. I’m heading back below for now.”

“‘Kay. And thanks again.”

“Anything for you, Lady Navarone.” She bowed her head before trotting off.

Watcher was finally coming back up from the depths, now covered in armor. He walked my way, eyeing the cookies. “I thought I smelled something deliciously sweet.”

“Yeah, these things are the bomb diggity. It’s a shame I’m not allowed to share.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Blame Sunny. She said I had to eat them all or else Amber would punish me.”

“Somehow I don’t think she worded it quite like that.”

“You think correctly. The sentiment was still there, though. I have to eat all of these myself.”

“You truly make great sacrifices for your subjects, my lady,” he sarcastically replied.

I sighed, eating another cookie. “It’s truly awful, Watcher,” I morosely replied. It was muffled by a cookie, but I think he still got the gist. “How long do you think we’ll go before hearing from the other ship?”

“Until we see it. I ordered them to wait for us. They were only going to warn them that we should be there soon. That way, they can compile all the information they’ve gathered.”

“Which isn’t much, unfortunately,” I said. “I’ve been keeping in contact with Kat. There’s definitely a warband in the jungle, but she hasn’t been able to capture any alive. They all either retreat at the sight of her or fight to the death. Any that she’s managed to knock out ended up chewing off their own tongue and choking to death on it as soon as they wake up. They’re like rabid animals.”

“None of them even tried to talk?”

“Nope. She said it was eerie.”

“Hm. And they haven’t tried attacking the airship?”

“Nope. She tried leading one out of the forest to let the changelings capture it with magic, but it stopped following her when she got too close to the edge. Something is keeping them there.”

“...Interesting. And what about the forest itself?”

“Surprisingly, shittier than Felix described. It’s apparently a deathscape full of carnivorous plants, poisonous creatures of all kinds, and trees that shoot spikes out.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I’m thinking scorched earth, personally. The water elementals can kill everything in a straight line all the way through. If they’re unwilling, the fires can do it. If they’re unwilling, Luna will do it.”

“Seems like a good plan to me. Was she able to get through the forest?”

“Yep. She snuck through with no issues and got to the crater itself, though she didn’t go any further. Apparently there were several tornados going at the time, so she turned back before scouting.”

“That’s… discouraging.”

“Right? Luckily, Twilight knows how to bust them. A part of me wishes we brought Rainbow Dash, but it was too late to ask by the time we realized we’d need her.”

“I’m sure she would have been happy to be here. That mare enjoys her adventures. I question her value in a fight, however. This will not be a trip for the light of heart.”

“I’m just hoping it won’t be a haunted trip.”

“That’s what Zecora is for, my lady.”

“And for keeping you warm at night.”

“Yes, and for keeping me warm at night. I feel like a griffin might work better, though. Know anybody with experience taming one?” His raised eyebrow made it seem like he was insinuating something.

“Yeah, Spike.”

“Surely you can think of one with experience taming more noble ones…”

“Yeah, Spike. OG is a very high ranking noble.”

“I was hoping for one with a more… royal nature. A graceful princess, maybe.”

“Why would you want a princess? They’re too stuffy. You’re better off with a peasant girl. They’re nice and comfy and love to party.”

“A proper gentlestallion is allowed to have some taste, my lady,” he puckishly replied. “I assumed you knew of such things. After all, you’ve courted all manner of high ranking types. How many princesses, was it?”

“Oh, who keeps count?” I asked, waving a hand. Me, for one. “Besides, queens are more fun. They’re much more mature.”

“Maybe, but princesses are more of a forbidden fruit. Why, I would love to rub a forbidden princess belly…”

“It’s overrated. Ex-princess bellies are much more enjoyable.”

Watcher finally grinned. “So you’re aware that your room isn’t naturally sound-proofed, right? That’s something that Twilight does with her magic. Normally, we can hear just about everything.”

“Oh? And do you have something to say about that, Watcher?”

“Not at all, my lady. But if you would like to thank us for keeping… prying ears away from your door, it would be most appreciated. Those griffin guards were quite curious about what you and Princess Gilda have been discussing. I’m sure any number of questions might be asked had they been listening in.”

“If there’s anything I hate, it’s eavesdroppers. Our discussions are private. I’d hate for anybody to get the wrong impression.”

“Say, an impression about you sleeping with the princess?”

“I said the wrong impression. Though for that matter, I’d be wary of them getting the right impression as well.”

“Oh ho. So how is she, then?”

“No comment.”

“Obviously good enough for repeat performances.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“And good enough to warrant an invitation to Miss Shady Grey herself. My oh my, I wonder if there will be a passage in a book dedicated to breaking royalty...”

“While I still don’t know what you’re talking about, I will admit that such a thing would be super hot. There is nothing better than turning a proper lady into a begging slut.”

That made him snort. “Spoken by a proper lady herself.”

Taya reentered the conversation by shoving herself in between us, pressing her warmly dressed body against my leg. “Miss me much, mommy?”

“Always,” I replied, placing a hand on her head.

“Oh, Sunny finished the cookies!”

“She sure did. I would offer to share, but—”

“You’re not allowed to,” she finished for me. “I know, mommy. That was my idea!”

“Best daughter ever,” I said, popping another cookie into my mouth.

“Wouldn’t the best daughter ever make enough cookies to share?” Watcher asked.

“Nope!” Taya smugly replied. “Just enough for mommy! That way, she gets cookies and gets to watch everybody else suffer! It’s a win-win!”

“They grow up so fast,” I said. Watcher sighed in disgust. “So who wants to play I Spy?”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Watcher said. “It’s either a rock, snow, or a giant purple dome.”

“You’re really good at I Spy,” I replied.

“Even if he makes it boring,” Taya said. “I’ll play with you, mommy!” Watcher rolled his eyes and walked off without another word. “Wow, that was easier than I thought!”

“You know me so well, honey,” I said. “So, you want a cookie? I won’t tell Sunny if you don’t.”

“Oh no, Amber’s always watching. If you let anyone else have a cookie, you’re gonna regret it!”

“I’m almost curious enough to risk it, but I guess I’ll behave. I’m definitely not going to be able to eat all of these in one sitting, though.”

“I made sure to leave a pouch available for the box,” she replied. She took it from my hands and flew it to a small bag on her side. When it was in place, she pulled the string and closed the bag. “Let me know when you want more!”

“‘Kay.” And now, aside from the crumbs in my mouth, I’ve already forgotten they even existed. “I gotta say, waiting is the worst part of campaigning.”

“I thought the worst part was getting all the blood out of your hair.”

“Nah, that builds character. Standing here in all my gear, weighed down by this haunted sword, I’m left feeling restless, like I should be moving. And yet here I stand, awaiting a battle that is at least another hour away…”

“I can fix that,” Taya said. “I’ve only tried the spell a few times, but it’s not that hard!”

“What spell?”

“A time manipulator. It’ll feel like just a blink of an eye, to you, but any amount of time could have passed.”

“...No thanks.”

“Aww…”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you to pull it off, it’s that I’d rather stay lucid just in case I’m needed. You never know what might happen.”

“I know… But I like showing off my magic for you!”

“Cause an avalanche.”

She looked up at me, eyes twinkling with joy. “Can I really?!”

“Yep. Just do it under us, so we don’t have to worry about any rocks peppering the ship.”

“Hm…” She closed her eyes and pointed her horn straight at the mountain. After a few seconds, it lit up and… nothing happened. Her eyes scrunched up and finally, something under the snow cracked and a huge boulder ripped free. She released it and it started tumbling down the mountain. All the snow that had been under it was now falling as well, creating a massive avalanche that cascaded down the huge mountain. “How’s that?”

“Fucking badass.” Of course, it also garnered a lot of other attention and a few disapproving gazes, but I didn’t give a fuck. On the off chance there actually was somebody down there, they were probably related in some way to the zone. Thus, evil and deserving of death. “Think you can throw a rock far enough to hit the dome?”

“I know I can!”

“Don’t,” Twilight said before Taya could have more fun. “Nav, why are you letting her be so irresponsible?”

“How is causing an avalanche in the middle of nowhere irresponsible?”

“It’s not. Using so much magic before potentially being in a hostile zone is.”

“Oh come on,” I said, waving a hand. “Magic literally grows on trees!”

“First of all, no it doesn’t.” Athena says otherwise... “Second, even if it did, there aren’t any trees around. If there had been, the avalanche would have destroyed them. Third, Taya should already know better, so I know she only did it because you brought it up. And I know you brought it up because it’s exactly the kind of thing you would have her do for fun.”

“What are you, the fun police?” I asked. “I’m sorry, Herr Twilight. Please don’t take me away to your gulag!”

“I have no idea what that means, but something deep inside of me just knows it was probably horribly offensive.”

“That’s because you and mommy are a perfect couple!” Taya sweetly said.

“Like socks and sandals,” I said. “Or crocs and jorts!”

Twilight sighed deeply before giving my daughter a serious look. “Be wary of wasting your magic frivolously. If you run out of energy on this expedition, somebody will have to carry you. Worse still, it might cut into your mother’s plans. You know you’ll feature heavily in anything she’s likely to try.”

“Nuh uh!” Taya quickly replied. “Luna’s much more expendable than I am! Mommy will use her up before she asks me to lift a single hoof!”

“But I trust you more,” I said. “Generally speaking, I’d sooner ask things of you than order them of Luna. You know, depending on the situation.”

“And even if not, wouldn’t you rather protect your mommy yourself?” Twilight asked. “That way, she’ll rub your belly when we get back instead of Luna’s!”

“All I have to do for a belly rub is ask,” Taya said. “And if she’s giving one to a vassal, she’ll either make room or cut it short for me! But I would rather save mommy myself...”

“It’ll be hard to do that with no magic reserves,” Twilight said. “So don’t go causing random avalanches just because she told you to.”

Taya rolled her eyes. “Ugh, fine. I guess if mommy’s the cool, fun parent, you’re the boring, responsible one.”

“I’m not boring!” Twilight said, sounding surprisingly shocked and offended. “Tell her I’m not boring!”

“I mean, you have your moments, but…”

“You always get mad at mommy for all the fun things she lets me do!” Taya said.

“That’s because most of them are dangerous and irresponsible!”

“Which makes you boring,” Taya replied with a nod. “Fun people know that sometimes dangerous and irresponsible things are okay!”

“I raised you right,” I said, tousling my little filly’s hair. She squee’d in delight. “See there, Twiggles? Taya knows what’s up!”

“Sometimes I wonder if you raised her wrong as a joke. Then I realize that no, you’re really just that shitty of a mother.”

“Now she gets it! Taya, high five!” I lifted a hand up high and Taya leapt up to smack it with a hoof. “Now I have somebody just as shitty as me running around! I’m not alone anymore, Twiley.”

“Wow. Just… Wow.” She shook her head in pure disbelief before walking away, head hung low.

“We make a great team,” Taya giddily said.

“Hell yeah we do. Wanna make a sign that says ‘No Fun Allowed’ and sign it with Twilight’s name? We can make her wear it around her neck every time she gives us boring lectures.”

“It’s like you’re reading my mind, mommy!”

We both walked back down below, giggling like children. It was a pretty decent way to waste fifteen minutes.

Twilight didn’t appreciate our gift. I knew I was in for some punishment later. So basically, all according to plan.

By the time we finished dicking around, the end of the mountain range was finally in view. Everybody on deck perked up as we finally passed the last of the stupidly huge rocks and the fuckmassive crater came fully into view. Even more mouths dropped as we started flying toward the changeling ship.

“...What could have caused this?” Taya whispered.

It was a reasonable question. Any comet that created that huge of a crater probably would have destroyed all life on the planet. Hell, it might have cracked the entire planet in half.

“I have no idea,” I said.

From what we could see, the diameter of the crater had to be at least five kilometers, possibly more. We could only see part of it, with the rest being blocked by more mountains. The spooky forest was only a small blip on the side of the otherwise flawless crater ring. It appeared to be maybe a kilometer large at its biggest, but shrunk to a quarter of a kilometer where it squeezed into the crater.

“It’s always a humbling sight,” Felix said from next to us. “Just wait until we get through the forest!”

I crossed my arms, still taking the whole thing in. “How thick do you think the rocks are at the edge of the dome?” I asked.

“Probably a few dozen meters at most,” he replied.

“Taya, how difficult would it be to cut a hole through a few dozen meters of rock the size of an airship?”

“Cutting a hole? That would be kinda hard. But blowing a hole through it would be easy.”

“The airship would never survive in there,” Felix said.

“It doesn’t have to. All it has to do is last long enough to drop us off. That way, we can skip the entire fucked up forest. Extracting us would also be much easier.”

“...If it was that easy, why wouldn’t it have been done before?” he asked.

“Where do you think that forest came from? Something had to cause that fissure. Way I figure, it’s worth trying to skip the first obstacle entirely.”

That made the kitty grin. “Truly, a suggestion worthy of the great Lady of Nature.”

“Yeah, I’m the fucking best,” I sarcastically replied. “I’m gonna go find Luna. Taya, help bridge and anchor the ships together.”

“I… have no idea how.”

“Ask Gourd. I’m heading below.”

She shrugged and started heading up to the wheel while I walked to the stairs leading into the ship. The first place I checked was her room. She wasn’t there, so I walked down to the smithy.

I found her in there with Jak. She was currently wearing the bottom half of a suit of full mail armor, helping Jak tap a glowing line into the upper portion. Once the line was complete, I realized that it was part of a rune that covered the entire suit of armor. “I shall be ready for battle soon, Nav,” she said.

“Good. So what’s that rune gonna do?”

“Many things,” Jak replied. “It is one of the most powerful I have created, enclosed within a full suit of armor forged with the carbon of diamonds.”

“Cool. So what are those things?”

“The metal’s strength is enhanced ten-fold. It makes the wearer immune to heat or cold. Once we finish the helmet, it will allow the wearer to see through illusions and easily peer through water. Her blows will be infused with magical energy.”

“Until we get the claws finished,” Luna said. “They will be imbued with fire.”

“The old mare knows a thing or two about runes, to be sure,” Jak said. “I always thought the lines in Celestia’s crown and peytral were for decorations. I never once thought to look at them as runes!”

“I have heard you have a source of gems,” Luna said, looking back to me. “If you grant me access to them, I will increase their value and teach your unicorns a means for extra power.”

“By making blood gems?” I asked.

“Indeed. I’m surprised you know the process.”

“...I’ve done it before.” Her eyebrows lifted. “Does it have to be something sapient?”

“No. Any animal life will do. So who did you murder, hm? Will we need to watch out for vengeful hunters?”

“It was a dragon while I was magically transformed into a dragon. He was trying to turn me in to Bahamut, essentially.”

“Ah. Those gems will be extremely powerful. I imagine they have already been plucked from the earth.”

“They wouldn’t be guarded as a monument?” I asked. “I mean, I legit straight up just murdered that purifier.”

“They would start that way until their dragon greed got the best of them. But it is little matter. With certain runes, I can use a blood gem as a source of energy. Once it is drained, it can be replaced. That’s what the gems are on Celestia’s artifacts. They also power several passive defensive spells on her. If they are ever activated, the energy is taken out of the gem.”

“This all sounds like necromancy and dark magic,” I said.

“Oh, it is,” Luna confirmed with a nod. “Even the possession of a blood gem is a crime tantamount to high treason in Equestria. Any unicorn possessing one and actually attempting to use it would be severed immediately and forced to grind their own horn before being locked into the highest security black site we have.”

“...What if they didn’t grind their horn?”

“They would be tortured until they either did so or died. Celestia still keeps a few of the old ways, when they suit her or are far enough from the public eye. The only exceptions she allows are her own and those of her inquisitors.”

“There’s more than one of those freaks?” I asked.

“Yes. They’re broken up into three groups: Those who hunt necromancers, those who hunt demons, and those who hunt dark mages. Thankfully, she doesn’t keep many of them.”

“Why didn’t she send any of them to clean up Sombra?”

“There was a prophecy that Celestia wanted to fulfill to further her goal of making Twilight a princess.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Does that mean I’m gonna become Princess Navarone?”

“No, of course not. At least, not because of that. You will become Princess Navarone after we kill Celestia.”

“No, I’ll be queen-consort.” Not that it’ll matter.

“Ah, yes, your deal with Moonbeam. With the aid of the elementals, Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, and Shining Armor, we might not need Moonbeam at all. I would like to keep her in reserve, but only as a last resort.”

“We’ll talk about that when we get to the Crystal Empire,” I said. “I do like Moonie, but I’m not sure she’s marriage material.” And I know I’m not marriage material. “So could you make me a similar set of armor?”

“No,” Luna immediately said. “I would need to research different types of runes. This one was designed by Starswirl and I specifically for equines. You can’t tell now, but when all the pieces are together, they will make one continuous rune that will intermittently glow with power.”

Jak decided to weigh in with, “I believe I could make a set of automated bipedal armor, if I could find a way to seal it together. The golem runes would work just as well on a hollow chunk of metal.”

“What about a skeleton?” I asked. “Or either tattoos or scar art?”

“Yes to all of the above,” Luna said. “Celestia and I believe that cutie marks are a form of rune, though we never determined what was causing them. That might well be why I can survive on the moon. I believe the inquisitor you met was the head of the demon fighting order. If so, you would have seen his runic tattoos. They can grant one all manner of abilities, but the inks are difficult to make.”

I bet I can get a magic tramp stamp. “That’s something to keep in mind. I got plenty of blank canvas to work with.”

“It will be easy to accomplish in Tartarus,” Luna said. “A few demon clans rely on them extensively and would have the ink and knowledge you require.”

“I’m not sure I want to let a demon tattoo me. It’s something to consider for the future, at least. Anyway, I came down to ask how hard it would be to bust through a few meters of rock.”

“You seek to create your own hole instead of using the forest?”

“Yep.”

“It would not be difficult,” she replied. “I considered doing it myself, but we cleared the forest out entirely while scouting and looted it of every herb and poison of value. At that point, it seemed prudent to just go in the front door. But if you would like to skip it, doing so would be simple.”

“I would. We only have two herbalists with us and they’re both going to be joining to the group heading to the center. I don’t want to leave anybody behind looting and I’d rather just skip it entirely.”

“So be it. Once my armor is finished, I will scout with your daughter to find the weakest point, then we will create a hole large enough that we can easily get to it from the ship.”

“Alrighty. We’re about to dock with the other ship, so we’ll probably be in the planning room going over final preparations.”

“Then we will get the helmet done post-haste and skip the remaining weapons,” she replied. “I shall be on deck soon.”

“Dope. Find me when you do.”

“As you command,” she said, bowing her head. I went back up to the top and made it right as we got to the other ship.

As soon as Kat saw me, she sprinted across their boat and leapt onto ours so she could tackle me with a hug. “Hello to you, too,” I said, hugging her back. Felix was watching with a wagging tail.

“I missed you so much, Navi!” she said.

“I’ve been meeting you in your dreams every night for almost a week.”

“But I can’t smell you in the dreams… I love your scent so much, my lady!”

Jesus Christ, what is with you people? “Creepy, but good to know. I guess I’ll give you a used shirt for Christmas or something.”

“No, I just roll around in your sheets whenever I need a fix.” She finally pulled away from me, grinning ear to ear. “So are you ready for the bloodbath?!”

“We’re probably skipping the forest, actually,” I said. She blinked in surprise, her smile dipping slightly. “Luna thinks she can easily knock a hole just under the dome. If we go in there, we skip the entire forest.”

“...Luna?” she slowly said, losing the rest of her smile.

“Yep. She’s my latest vassal.”

“W-why?”

“Because she wanted to be. I decided to say fuck it and let her.”

“B-but…”

“She swore the same magically binding oath as everybody else.”

She pulled me close again and whispered, “Please don’t replace me, my lady…”

“Luna’s not a replacement for anybody. If I need somebody murdered, I still know where to turn.”

Kat sighed in delight. “That’s good to hear… I love being of service to you…”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great.” The crew members on both ships were working on setting up a bridge between the two so people without wings or who weren’t willing to risk falling to death could easily get between the two. “So did you manage to get any prisoners?

Kat pulled back again, but kept her arms around me. “I’m afraid not, Nav. After we captured the first two, the others we managed to get were teleported away before we could escape the forest.”

“Oh well. I doubt they’d be useful, anyway.”

“I’m sorry I failed you, Nav…” she morosely said.

“I forgive you. We need to get Sketch, Gourd, Watcher, and Brook up to the planning room. I’ll leave Sketch and Brook to you.”

“I’d be happy to get them all!” she said, her tail wagging.

“I hope you’ll also be happy to just get Sketch and Brook. I’ll also want you there, of course.”

She pulled herself up to nuzzle me warmly, tickling my face with her whiskers. When she was done, she finally pulled away with a smile. “I’ll be right there, Navi!” She walked back across the bridge, brushing past Felix without even a glance.

Finding Watcher was easy, since he walked over shortly after Kat began hugging me. “You picked the two of us because we were on the way to the planning room, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Duh. Let’s go.” He snorted and followed me up the staircase, where we found Gourd and Taya. “We’re about to begin the final briefing,” I said. “Head to the planning room whenever you’re finished getting the ships synced.”

“You got it, my lady,” Gourd said.

Taya just followed along next to me. Sending Kat in search of Brook was pointless, since she was already waiting for us. “I assume the others will be joining us shortly?” she asked with a grin.

“Yep. I’m thinking we can crack the mountain under the dome to save us from having to go through the forest. What are your thoughts?”

“I think that would be rude,” she replied. “Whoever or whatever owns this dome fully intends us to go in from the front door. Breaking its rules might be unwise.”

“Are you saying the forest is a test?” Watcher asked.

“Look at the size of this dome, Watcher,” Brook said. “Surely you can feel its power even from here! There is definitely something of tremendous strength within. It would not keep this hole in its wall for no reason. Nav, allow a few of us to go into the forest and capture some of the residents. We can painlessly absorb their knowledge before they could have a chance of fleeing. Once we know more, we can determine our next course of action. It is possible we can talk our way in if we have a way to speak with whoever is in charge. I feel that to simply skip the forest would be a grave mistake.”

“Kat wasn’t able to get any of them out alive,” I said. “And her latest attempts ended with them getting teleported away. Do you want to risk running up against magical opponents?”

“Kat is very skilled, Nav. You put much weight on her words.” I crossed my arms. Her smile deepened. “She may be skilled in silence, but we are moreso. Believe me when I say that in such an environment, they would never see or hear us coming. We could have them subdued and at our mercy in an instant.”

“Send three elementals in,” I said.

She bowed, the annoying smile still on her face. “I will return once they have departed, Nav.” With that, she slid off to the front of the ship.

“I really hope they get massacred,” Taya delightfully sighed when Brook was hopefully out of earshot. “Really mommy, how can she possibly be so smug?”

“Don’t be rude,” I said. “They are our allies. Even if most of them are horrible bitches. Now, Luna will be up shortly. Watcher, prepare an escort of pegasi to go with her and Taya to the edge.”

“Are we not going to wait for Brook’s intel?” he asked.

“No. I just had a feeling she was going to be difficult about it, so I wanted her to leave. I don’t give a fuck what some being under this dome wants. We obviously aren’t supposed to be here. And we are obviously going in anyway. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer skipping the guard dogs. If we can break in, we’re going to.”

“That makes sense to me,” he said. “But she does raise a good point, Nav. We’ve run into powerful things before, things that we had no business bothering. We could be poking the spider’s nest here.”

“I’m confident that we won’t overextend,” I said. “We’ll have opportunities the entire way to back out and escape if need be. With the elementals to gather intel for us, we should be able to avoid any real problems once we get inside. If we end up finding another Arachne, we can always retreat.”

Kat finally walked in with Sketch and Brook in tow. “I have found them, Nav,” she said.

“Good. Sketch, can your ship stay here until we get back from the bunker or will you need to return to a port soon?”

“We’ll be fine here,” he replied. “Especially with more unicorns here to help keep us warm. Some of us were starting to feel sluggish in the cold.”

“Excellent. I want both ships here to help us ferry as much loot back, if at all reasonably possible.”

“How are we going to get anything back through the dome?” Brook asked.

“There might be some way to disable it inside the bunker,” Watcher said.

“And we have plenty of mages here who can teleport things,” I added. “I want to loot everything in there that isn’t nailed down.”

“That might not be wise,” Brook said. “Many of the artifacts we find are likely not things that we should risk falling into the wrong hands. Once we deal with the hostiles in the bunker, it should be safe for some of us to stay here and study the artifacts in a safe environment. Between Sunshine Smiles and Kat, we can easily communicate whenever we have a new development.”

“We’ll make that determination once we know how much stuff we’re dealing with,” I said. “This was more of a research and survival facility than a weapon place, so I don’t think we’ll find much that’s actually dangerous. Even then, we should be able to keep it pretty well-protected anyway.”

“Hm. Well, I believe my sisters should return in about thirty minutes to an hour. We’ll need to be ready to move when they return, in case they do raise any suspicions.”

“We’ll almost definitely be going through a hole in the wall under the dome, so suspicions shouldn’t be an issue.”

Her eyes turned slightly orange. “I thought we agreed it would be best to go through the forest.”

“No we didn’t. I told you to send some waters in to determine if there was any reason not to go around. If they can’t find any specific reason that we shouldn’t, that’s going to be our course of action.”

“I see. May I ask why?”

“You may,” I said.

She waited a few more seconds before her eyes got even brighter orange. “Why?”

“Because why the fuck would we fight and kill a bunch of people we don’t have to?” I asked. “Not to mention deal with a ton of poisons and carnivorous plants. Unless you have some kind of concrete proof or legitimate reason that we should go through the forest, we’re going to bypass it entirely.”

“Sounds smart to me,” Watcher said.

“The best way to deal with a hostile is to avoid them,” Kat said.

“Why go through the big scary forest if we can go around?” Taya asked. “And getting out will be even easier, too!”

We all looked at Sketch, to see if he had anything to add. When he realized we were staring at him, he blinked and actually blushed. “O-oh, I… I didn’t have a comment.”

“We’ll see what your scouts have to say,” I said. “If they conclude that we can go around, we go around.”

Brook’s eyes went back to blue and she bowed her head. “As you wish, Nav.”

Gourd finally joined us. “So what did I miss?” he asked.

“Nothing much,” I said. “We’re just finalizing plans. So once we get under the dome, what should our marching order be?”

“I don’t think it’ll matter,” Kat said. “No kind of animal could survive in that terrain, not for long. The weather will likely be our sole obstacle. We’ll need to get through it as quickly as possible.”

“Twilight and I can put a shield up,” Taya said. “That’ll block out the bad weather.”

“Not tornados,” Kat said. “I’ve never seen anything like that before!”

“Twilight can bust those,” I said. “I’ve seen her do it. That was a magically made tornado, but I don’t think it’ll make a difference.”

“That mare is extremely impressive,” Watcher said.

“Sometimes. Taya and I will likely need an energy boost. According to Felix, it gets dark down there much earlier than it does here.”

“Who?” Kat asked.

“Princess Gilda’s cat thief,” I said. “He apparently got arrested for loitering in Gryphus. Before he could bust out, they realized he was a master thief wanted all over the planet. She decided to give him the choice of serving her or living his life in a prison cell with no lock to pick. Once this is done, she might give him a few more tasks before setting him free.”

“Oh, the tabby that was eyeing you up?”

“That’s the one,” I said.

“In regards to your energy, I believe Zecora has a fix for you,” Watcher said. “She’s been working on something to help you survive on your own at night, in case you ever get separated from us again. She was hoping you and Taya could test it on this trip.”

“That’s doable,” I said. “What is it?”

“Some kind of potpourri,” he replied with a shrug. “I think you’re supposed to keep it in a bag and breathe it in whenever you get tired. It’ll give you a small energy boost.”

“Sounds neat. I’m down. Taya will use magic to keep awake for this trip, though.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Just in case it isn’t safe,” I said. “This is a trial. It doesn’t matter if I pass out and die, but you’re—”

Kat cut me off by slamming into me with a hug. “Don’t,” she hissed.

“I will test it,” Taya said. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, mommy!”

“Zecora actually already tested it herself,” Watcher said. “It works just fine. The reason I said it’s a trial is because she isn’t sure if it’ll work on the tree parts of you. But it’s absolutely safe.”

“See, you should have opened with that,” I said, crossing my arms behind Kat’s back. It probably looked like I was hugging her, but I was really trying to be petulant.

“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?”

“Brook, please boop him for me.” She did so without a word. “Thank you. So, Taya and I have our energy solution. Is there—”

Spike walked in and immediately shouted, “I KNEW IT!”

“Did you really just come in and interrupt our fucking briefing to be a whiny little bitch?” I asked.

That actually made him blush. “W-well… no, but come on! Just admit you like hugs, Nav!” Kat giggled and pulled me tighter.

“No, fuck you. Now what did you want?”

“Oh, I just wanted to ask if you wanted me to bring Princess Gilda up for the briefing.”

“If I wanted Princess Gilda here, I would have sent for her.”

“...That makes sense, I guess. So… group hug?”

“Out.” His ear spines dropped and he sighed before walking out, head hung low. Once he was far enough away, I quietly said, “What is with him recently?”

“Everybody already knows you like hugs,” Watcher said. “He found out when he read your journals in Antarctica and then he told all of us.”

“That fucking bastard!”

“It’s not like we didn’t already know,” Kat said. “You make it pretty obvious how you really feel, given that you’re still hugging me!”

“Shut your whore mouth. I’m gonna have to do something horrible to that piece of shit!”

“Why?” Brook asked. “He only did so in an attempt to get closer to you.”

“Oh, so you think it would be okay for a water elemental to just invade my mind and steal whatever information they wanted without permission?”

“Absolutely not,” she immediately answered. “And now I understand. It was a breach of your privacy. You have every right to be upset. However, I advise talking to him about it instead of doing something horrible to him.”

“Tch. We’ll fucking see. Is there anything else?”

“What’s our position on potential hostiles?” Watcher asked. “Do we determine if they’re actually hostile or attack on sight?”

“We know the ones in the forest are hostile, so we kill them on sight. We’ll find out if the ones in the fortress are actually hostile before attacking.”

“What do you want the ships to do?” Gourd asked.

“Once you drop us off, back away from the forest and keep the antenna pointed at the forest. We’ll radio you for a pickup when we’re ready.”

We actually heard the next person walking up before entering. Her presence was announced by loud, heavy hoofsteps that proceeded straight to the door. Luna finally turned the corner and bowed to me before entering, covered in badass looking black full plate armor that literally resonated with power. “I am prepared, Nav.”

“Just in time. Watcher, go prep an away team. Taya, you’re also going with them.”

“How?” she asked. “Want me to make wings?”

“I shall carry you,” Luna said. Her horn lit up and a saddle appeared on her back. “Back in the day, my most elite troops acted as cavalry for our cat auxiliaries. I myself am a well-trained battle mount. I will not let your daughter come to harm, Nav.”

“I know. I thought nobody knew the cats existed.”

“That’s what happens when Celestia rewrites history to suit her own needs. Things get forgotten. I have led many armies of many types comprised of many different soldiers of at least a dozen races. Ponies have not always lived alone. There was once a time we had close allies in the world. There was once a time my sister and I were respected by other races instead of feared or despised.”

“Neat. I want you to write some history books whenever you have spare time.”

“As you command. Shall we ready your troops, Watcher?”

He looked my way. I nodded. He looked back to Luna and said, “Let’s go.” The two of them walked back out, Luna clunking like crazy.

“Go with them, Taya,” I said.

“Do I gotta?” she sighed.

“Yes. Don’t you wanna help blow something up?”

“Oh. That’s a good point. Okay!” She practically pranced out the room, humming with joy.

“Do you have any more orders for us?” Gourd asked.

“Nope.”

“I have a request,” Brook said. “Lower the ships and drop the ladder so my sisters can return once they have finished scouting.”

“Do it,” I said.

“Should we disengage the ships?” Gourd asked.

“For now,” I replied. “Once you guys drop us off, you can dock again if it makes things easier.”

“Then I’ll head back to my ship,” Sketch said, sketching a bow.

“And I’ll pony the helm,” Gourd added. The two of them left, leaving me with Brook and Kat.

“So… group hug?” Brook asked, her eyes turning pink.

“Only if you promise to brag about it to Spike later.”

She giggled and swarmed the two of us. It was nice and honestly made me miss having a kind, loving elemental even more.

Because of that, Aqua didn’t let me enjoy it long. She finally forced me to let Kat go. “Time to head out,” I said.

Brook didn’t let go, though. “So why won’t you just admit the truth?” she asked.

“Spite. If he wasn’t being such an asshole about it, I’d tell him. But if I repeatedly tell him not to do something and he does it anyway, I’m not giving him the satisfaction.”

“So you would prefer lying to him?”

“If he prefers going against my wishes, yes. If he apologized and respected what I say, I would consider telling him the truth.”

“That’s fair,” she said, finally letting me go. “Have you considered telling him that?”

“Fuck no. That would just confirm it. If he wants to do the right thing, it’ll be without any external pressure. If he’s incapable, then he’ll never get the truth.”

“Ah. Before I began asking why you did things, I always assumed it was an obstinate refusal to see sense. Now that I have begun taking the time to understand, it surprises me how much of what you do is based in some manner of logic.”

“That’s our lady for you!” Kat sweetly said.

“Some manner?” I asked.

“Indeed. You do not draw many of the same conclusions a water elemental would, but the conclusions you draw are still generally valid. I do wish you would consider the opinions of my sisters and I more often, but we would never do anything to force you to.”

Hurray for dramatic irony. “So you keep saying. Now, let’s join the others.”

They both followed me out to the deck. Luna’s away team was already flying to the dome. The crew was working on disentangling the ships. Kat walked with me over to the railing facing the dome while Brook fucked off to do her own thing.

Once we got there, she looked around the deck for a moment before grinning and locking arms with me. When she was comfortable, her tail snaked up my cloak and slowly wrapped around mine and she laid her head on my shoulder. “You’re so comfortable, my lady,” she said.

“Good to know. Any reason in particular you’re so cuddly today?”

“I missed you, silly! And Felix is watching, so I wanna make him jealous.”

“Well, I would suggest a quickie, but I don’t think we’ll have time and I don’t want to take all my armor off.”

“Too bad,” she sighed. “Although…” She started patting around my waist, looking for a place to slip her paw in. Unfortunately, it was more of a bodysuit, so she didn’t find any entry points. “Shoot!”

“Hopefully seeing us like this will be enough.”

Luna and co were finally approaching the wall. After about a minute of hovering in front of it, she shot a small lance of light at the rock. Taya shot her own lance of light at it a few meters away. I couldn’t really tell what was happening until I noticed what looked like lava flowing down the side of the rock.

“Are they melting the rock?” Kat asked.

“Looks like it. I wonder why they’re doing that instead of blowing it up.”

“Easy,” Twilight said from right next to me. “They’re worried about hitting the dome with magic and making it react.”

“That makes sense, I suppose.”

After about half a minute of burning through the rock, Taya’s lance started moving up and Luna’s moved down. Before they could get too far, a group of five pegasi and five griffins started flying at them from the forest.

“Spike, on me!” I called, pushing Kat away. Before he could react, I jumped off the ship and started flying to my daughter.

Spike quickly surpassed me and flew straight at the group of hostiles. The two escorts Watcher sent with Luna flew in front of them, but there’s no way they’d stand a chance against the coming wave of enemies.

Luckily for them, they didn’t have to. Spike got to the group right as Taya turned her attention that way. She used magic to break the wings of three of them while he immolated four more. The survivors turned their attention on Spike just in time for me to get my gun up and shoot two of them out of the air. Spike grappled with the last griffin and sent him tumbling from the sky with a few very painful looking scratches.

Taya turned her attention back to her task while I flew up to the rocky wall. I gripped it with one hand to hold myself steady, since hovering is a motherfucker with my shitty wings.

“We have things well in hoof,” Luna called. “You may return to the ship, Nav.”

“I don’t mind staying,” Spike said.

“I won’t be much use just hovering,” I said. “Keep them safe.”

“You got it,” he replied.

I pushed back off from the mountain and started lazily flying back to the ship. At that point, I could see three water elementals sliding up the ladder. Since I was pretty curious what they had found out, I sped up and made it back shortly after they got to the top. Kat immediately wrapped herself around me again as I walked over to them.

“So what did you find?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Ice replied.

“...Nothing?” I asked.

“Indeed,” Rain said. “They have no minds.”

“Or memories,” Raine added.

“No thoughts.”

“No emotions.”

“Truly blank slates.”

“Working purely off instinct.”

“We couldn’t even control them!”

“They would make truly horrible hosts.”

“I concur. That forest and the abominations within should be razed to the ground.”

Ice finally broke in with, “I disagree. There’s definitely something wrong with the beings in the forest, but that doesn’t mean they should all be killed.”

“Good news, then,” I said. “We’re going around the forest. Luna and Taya are working on cutting a hole through the mountain now.”

“...You didn’t even wait for our report?” Ice asked.

“I was planning on going around as soon as I realized it was an option,” I said. “I just wanted to know if you could find any useful intel before we did so.”

“I see. That isn’t what Brook told us.”

“She must have misunderstood. Would one of you pull up the ladder? I’m gonna talk to Gourd and get the ship moving.”

“As you wish,” Ice said. He turned to do that while the rains dicked off to circleschlick with the rest of their sisters.

Kat and I went up to the staircase. I was too lazy to actually walk up it, so I just said, “Hey Gourd, start moving us toward Luna.”

“You got it, my lady,” he replied. A few seconds later, the ship started moving forward.

Kat and I moved back to the rail, where I asked, “So how long are you gonna keep this up?”

“Until we get to the dome,” she said with a shrug. “Is it bothering you?”

“No, you’re warm and comfy.”

“I’m happy to hear that, my lady.”

By the time the ship got to the mountain, Luna and Taya had a fairly sizable hole punched through it. Not large enough for the ship to fit, but easily big enough for all of us to make it through. They used magic to push the plug through the other side, sending it careening down the crater. As soon as it was clear, their team flew back to the ship and landed. Taya immediately trotted back up to me with a grin on her face.

“You did good, honey,” I said. “Why’d you break their wings instead of killing them, though?”

“I wanted to make it more painful and scary for them,” she sweetly replied. Wow.

“Makes sense,” Kat said.

“I’m sad to say that they don’t have any emotions,” I said. “And they probably also can’t feel pain, either. The elementals tried interrogating them but couldn’t get anything.”

“Oh. Well, it was also easier,” Taya said. “Wings are easy to break.” Mine twitched. “Don’t worry, mommy! I’d only ever break yours if you tried to leave me!”

Wow. Again. “Um.”

“And then I’d take you away somewhere so you could never escape my love!” she happily added, her voice dipping down into an uncomfortable mania. “But that’ll never happen because you’ll never leave me. Isn’t that right?”

“...Right.”

She hopped up and hugged me. “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I slowly looked over to Kat. She was smiling warmly at my daughter. There was no concern in her eyes at all over what we both just heard. So am I the only one that thought that was horrifying?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Aqua said. “I think it’s endearing! Your little pet filly just loves you so much! Really, I think it’s perfectly normal to want to kidnap the object of your affection and hold them hostage until they love you back. If anything, you’re the weird one here!”

No one else was standing around me, so I didn’t really have anyone else to ask. Lacking other options, I just hugged my daughter back, pushing the concern down in my mind. After all, it wasn’t like I ever actually would leave the only nice thing I had in life, so I had nothing to worry about.

While I was paying my hug tax, our ship finally pulled up alongside the hole in the mountain. We couldn’t get close enough to put the bridge up because the balloon was too large to fit next to the dome, but it would be an easy feat for the pegasi and griffins to ferry everyone across.

Watcher approached me as I let Taya go. She continued hugging me, though, which left me with two very warm and fuzzy spots. “Who’s going across first?” he asked.

“Me and Twilight,” I said. “I want the first look and I want her to assess whether or not a magical shield will cut it.”

“You got it,” he said. His horn lit up and two pouches appeared. “Here’s the potpourri from Zecora. Whenever you get weary, just open the pouch and breathe into it for a few seconds. The effect will get progressively weaker the more you do it until you sleep, though.”

“But it’ll keep us going for a little bit longer,” I said, taking one of them and dropping it into a pocket in the cloak. Taya grabbed the other and floated it to her side.

“That it will. If you run out of uses, we’ll keep you going with magic.”

“Sounds good. Where’s Twiggles?” She certainly wasn’t on the deck.

“Below,” he said.

“I’ll go get her,” Kat said.

“Then I’ll be waiting in the hole.” I hopped over the side before they could reply and glided to the long hole in the mountain. As soon as I touched down, I pulled up my rifle and walked to the far edge. My mouth immediately dropped.

Despite what Felix said, a part of me was expecting the inside of the crater to be a barren wasteland. Instead, it was full of flowers of all different colors, including combinations I’ve never seen before. There were also huge trees bearing fruits that looked out of this world. The entire place seemed like a huge tropical paradise surrounded on all sides by huge rock walls. There weren’t any huge storms at the moment, but it did appear to be raining in some areas.

After a few seconds of staring in wonder, I lifted my scope up to get a better view. That helped me see some kind of haze over everything, what looked like spores of some kind. Every time they touched down, something new grew.

“We must be wary,” Aqua said. “It is possible those spores can affect us. At the very least, they might affect you and your daughter.”

With luck, the shield will block them. As I continued perusing the area through my scope, I saw a bright flash, followed by a loud thunderclap. Just like that, half the dome was engulfed in a lightning storm with what looked like gale force wind. “Jesus.”

“That’s not at all what I was expecting,” Twilight said from next to me. “I feel like Rainbow Dash would have a field day in here!”

“Until she exhausted herself. What do you think? Is a magical shield gonna cut it?”

“Well, I’d certainly feel more comfortable with my brother here… but I’m confident we’ll make it. Kat also mentioned something about tornados. Luna and I should be able to take those out.”

“You know, I’ve seen a lot of weird shit in the world, but this place might well take the cake. I wouldn’t mind spending a few days just watching what happens.”

“I agree,” she said with a nod. “I imagine the amount of books I could write about it would be never-ending. There’s no telling what effects those fruits have or what the flowers could be used for. Even the wood in the trees might have special properties!”

“So, you ready to bring everyone else up?”

“Yep! I’ll keep an eye on this side.”

“And I’ll keep an eye on the forest while everyone crosses.” She nodded and I went back to the other side. “Start bringing everyone over!”

Between the pegasi, the griffins, and Spike, getting everyone across the gap was pretty easy. Kat joined me in watching the forest, using her crossbow to keep it covered. Thankfully, nothing else tried coming after us. If I had to guess, I’d say they used up all of their flyers and didn’t really have any options.

Once the last of our troops was across, the ship started flying away. There wasn’t enough room in the hole to keep everybody there, so Twilight began lowering people from the top while Luna grabbed them from below.

Soon enough, it was just me, Taya, Kat, Twilight, and two pegasi on the ledge. The others were waiting for us down below, standing on the rocky edge just before all the vegetation. “Last chance to back out, Nav,” Twilight said.

“Why would you even say that?” I asked, slinging my rifle.

“I dunno. In case you were having second thoughts?”

“Psh, I live for this shit.” I wrapped my arms around Kat and jumped down, letting my wings slow my fall. As soon as I touched down, I stumbled and would have fallen if not for Kat. My eyes instantly started burning and I pushed her away so I could fall to my hands and knees. Despite eating a light breakfast, I actually vomited it all up and continued retching as everyone tried crowding around me.

Thankfully, Luna fixed that by opening a hole with magic and inserting herself. Her horn pressed against me and a wave of magic poured into me, but nothing happened and I continued shivering and retching. I heard the same thing happening next to me and I looked over and found that it was also happening to Taya.

What the hell is happening?

Luna grabbed my head with a hoof and forced me to look at her. As soon as our gazes met, her eyes widened. “Your eyes! Water, I need a waterskin!” One of the guards hoofed her one and she opened it with magic, then splashed me in the face. Once that was done, she lifted it to my mouth. “Drink deeply, Nav.”

The retching had stopped, so I was able to actually do so. The cool liquid filled me with life and I could vaguely tell that they were doing the same thing for my daughter. When the waterskin was empty, I slowly and achingly got to my feet. Kat placed a paw on my shoulder when I swayed, but I managed to stand. Once I did so, I felt a massive surge of energy. The strands of my hair that I could see were now green. I grabbed one of them and lifted it up just in time for an actual flower to bloom at the end of it, making everyone gasp. I grabbed more of it and saw that cherry blossoms were blooming like crazy all over my hair.

“What the absolute fuck?” I hoarsely asked.

“It is part of your transformation,” Luna replied. Her horn lit up brighter and a mirror appeared facing me. “Look at your eyes.”

I did so and found that they were now a bright emerald green instead of the dark green they had been. “Holy hell. Is this permanent?”

“I honestly do not know,” she said. “It appears that the same is happening to your daughter.”

It took Taya a little bit longer to recover, but she was finally able to stand and was swishing her flowery tail around in wonder. It made her look even more adorable than usual. After a few seconds of thought, I undid my ponytail and shook all my hair free.

“Alright, show of hooves, paws, talons, and claws: Who thinks this is cute as heck?” I asked. Pretty much everyone but the fire elementals lifted their arms. “Awesome. Then shall we get this show on the road?”

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Twilight asked.

“I have literally never felt better,” I replied. “I have so much energy right now that I feel like I could suplex Luna.” That made her lift an eyebrow. “Not that I’m planning on it, you’re probably just the heaviest one here.”

“Do you want one of us to check you over?” Brook asked. “It would only take a moment.”

“I’m good,” Aqua made me say. I finished with, “Besides, you have absolutely no standard with which to compare me, so it wouldn’t matter anyway. I say we get this show on the road.”

“It wouldn’t even take a moment,” Brook said.

Aqua rolled her eyes and surged over me. “Such a baby,” she said while forcing herself on me. “There’s nothing wrong with a little medical check. And for what it’s worth, you’re fine.”

“How about you fucking don’t?” I asked when she was done violating my holes.

“If Nav wishes to reject our assistance, that is her prerogative,” Brook said. “We must respect the wishes of the mortal races.”

“Why?” Aqua asked. “Half of what Nav says is completely moronic and the other half is self-destructive.”

“I have a counterpoint,” I said. “Go fuck yourself.”

“A powerful argument,” Luna said with a nod.

“Truly words for the ages,” Kat said, wiping away a fake tear.

“Another wonderful inspirational quote from our lady,” Gourd said.

“The greatest orator of our time!” Watcher added with a grin.

“The fact that she somehow manages to inspire loyalty in those around her is just proof of how easily misguided mortals are.”

“Another counterpoint: Eat a bag of dicks.”

“This is wasting time,” Char finally said. “We need to get into the ice dome before night falls or the weather gets worse.”

“Flo, slap Aqua for me.” Flo reached over and popped Aqua in the back of the head. “Luna, Twilight, get that shield up. Watcher, assign some people to the edges to keep an eye out for any danger. Char, Blaze, you’re on point. Find us an easy path through the trees. Waters, kill every piece of small flora in the way so we don’t run into poison. Griffins, keep an eye on the sky and warn us if you see any weather changes. Kat, Taya, keep being adorable. Spike, keep an eye on the princess.”

Luna and Twilight put their horns together and a large blue field surrounded us all. All of Watcher’s squads immediately rushed out to the edges. Char and Blaze started moving forward and the water elementals flanked them in an arc. The griffins surrounded their princess and started watching the skies. Kat brushed at her face coquettishly and Taya fluffed her hair out and giggled. Spike followed the princess’s entourage, looking fairly out of place.

As soon as everything was suitably in motion, I took my place at the center of madness. Flo appeared next to me and bowed. “Are you ready to move out, Nav?” she asked.

“Let’s do it.” Our expedition finally began in earnest.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine

I have to admit to feeling some amount of trepidation as we got closer to the strange trees. As we approached, the forest changed. Before, the trees were fairly sparse and loosely vegetated. Now they seemed to sprout everywhere, grow dozens of meters in size, and became covered from bottom to top with some kind of painful looking thorns.

“That doesn’t look so good,” Kat said when we were about fifteen meters away.

“Call for a halt,” I said.

Luna shot up into the air and screamed out, “HOLD POSITIONS!”

That made everybody but the elementals stop. Flo handled them by darting forward. As soon as she merged with the waters, they stopped. The fires finally got the hint and bared both of their weapons. They both watched the forest for any dangers. At the moment, it was still and eerily silent.

Luna landed next to me and Flo and Brook slid my way. Watcher joined me a moment later. “Thoughts?” I said.

“The forest reacted to us,” Brook said. She looked over to Felix, who had apparently snuck up next to me while my attention was on the others. “Did it do this to you?”

“Not that I was aware of. Everything seemed to be random. It was mostly inconveniencing, but never anything like this.” He looked my way with a suave looking grin. “But there’s no need to worry, my lady!” One of his hands started moving toward my shoulder.

Before it could sully me, Kat snatched it. “Don’t!” She yanked his paw forward, putting him off balance. “You!” One of her legs swept his and put him on the ground. “DARE!” One of her feet went to his chest and her paws pulled her crossbow up, pointing it directly at his head.

To his credit, he didn’t really look that impressed. “You done, honey?” he asked.

Kat shot a bolt straight into the ground next to his face. He flinched back in surprise, which made it easy for her to snatch all of his whiskers and slice them off with a knife. “Now I am done,” she said. “Don’t you ever touch my lady.”

“It gets awfully cold here at night. She might be interested in cuddling with a more fuzzy kitty like me!”

Kat sighed and looked up to me. “Can I kill him?”

“He’s Princess Gilda’s guest. That would be rude.”

She rolled her eyes and finally stepped away from him. As an afterthought, she leaned forward, reaching down. He offered his paw with a smile that disappeared when she grabbed the bolt in the ground, wrenching it up. “Shouldn’t forget this,” she said. Once she tucked it away, she stepped up to my side and wrapped an arm around one of mine. “So you want me and Cascade to go check it out, Navi?”

Felix finally sighed and got to his feet. He looked at me for a moment before thinking better of it and walking to stand next to Brook. Once his walk of shame was finished, I nodded. “Go. If you encounter any movement at all, return immediately. Stay within sight for now.”

Kat’s eyes turned blue and she lifted an arm out toward Brook. “I need you to take me, older sister,” Cascade said. “I promise it will be fun!”

“As you wish, little one,” Brook solemnly replied. “But shouldn’t we tell the others? It might be better if we all combined!”

“We need them to plug our holes here,” I said. Flo finally face-palmed.

“She’s right,” Cascade said. “It’s just you and me, sister. Are you ready?”

“Very well. But it’s been a while since I’ve done it like this. Be gentle.”

“What is wrong with you people?” Flo groaned.

“What do you mean, you—” Flo slapped me with a tendril of water before I could finish.

“You have something to say, sister?” Brook asked.

Flo sighed and said, “I will take Cascade. You lead our sisters. I’ll guide Nav’s command party.”

“With Cascade’s approval…”

“Fine by me,” she shrugged. “I think I might be a better fit anyway! Don’t you want me inside you, Flo?”

“Don’t you even start. Get over here.”

Nobody commented as Cascade finally merged with Flo.

Once Kat was free, she rolled her shoulders before saying, “I’m going to meet with Cascade. We’ll be in touch.” Her speech done, she ran off toward the front of the column.

When she was out of earshot, Felix rubbed his arm and asked, “Are all of your followers completely insane, or just the ones that are here?”

“Unfortunately, all of them. I tend to attract weird and broken people.”

“You should consider dumping them and hiring real muscle. Where in Tartarus did you even find that monster?”

“She was a slave assassin in Africa who was pretty much forced to kill in every way possible. I helped free her from that life.”

“That’s the very abbreviated version,” Flo said.

“Fair enough,” I replied with a shrug.

“See there?” Felix said. “That’s too much baggage! She’s a bad apple and you should nix her. You only want the kind of loyalty money can buy. That obsessive, psychotic stuff always backfires.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed.

“I take offense to that,” Luna immediately said.

“Me too, mommy!” Taya shouted, stomping a hoof into the ground.

Aqua giggled in my head. “See there, Navi? I’m not alone!”

Shut up, at least Taya’s usually endearing. You’re just horrifying and mean!

“You know what? I’ll cop to that. I have handled things poorly, I know. What do you say to a fresh new start, Nav?”

Where you’ll get out of me entirely and I let you keep Celestia? You know I’m honest when I say you can keep her. I promise to retire immediately as soon as you ask.

“Don’t be silly. I’m open to negotiation on other things, though. You just have to be willing to give a little.”

Yeah, uh huh. And how much will you be giving? Her only response to that was a giggle.

Since there were a few seconds of silence, Felix finally snorted. “See there? I rest my case. Neither of them are even ashamed of it! And if I know my history right, and since I’ve been planning a heist in Canterlot I most definitely know my history right, our dear Princess Luna is a rapist.”

“I am princess no longer,” Luna said. “And I am many things. What I have done to Navarone haunts me eternally, though I know what I feel is only a fraction of what she does.”

“Yeah, so shut up about it,” I said. “We’re way the fuck off topic. Felix, stop being a twat or I’ll have you muzzled again.” He eyed my daughter, who was using her adorably cute innocent filly look on him. After a few seconds of that, he sighed and shrugged. “So now that all the predators are done showing off, what does everyone think about this place?”

“It’s obviously a reaction,” Watcher said. “I think the longer we wait, the worse it’s going to get. If I had to guess, I say it’ll develop countermeasures as we go.”

“Then we shouldn’t waste time scouting,” Twilight said. “We can investigate as we go.”

“We should always scout,” Luna said. “If you do not know the enemy and the terrain, winning is unlikely.”

“It’s just gonna change on us,” Twilight said.

“We need to determine how fast it changes,” Luna said. “What if something were to leap out and attack us all at once? There could be anything in there, including things that could get through the shield.”

“I’ve never seen animals here,” Felix said. “I hope saying that doesn’t make me a twat.”

“First part doesn’t, second part does,” I said. “You’ve also never seen it react to you before. There’s no telling what this place might produce in response to us. It didn’t notice one thief, but it’s freaking out on all of us.”

“Just more proof of how—”

“Taya?” Felix’s bullshit immediately cut off. “Good girl.”

“Thank you, mommy!”

“See what obsessive, psychotic loyalty can get you?” I asked Felix, patting Taya on the head. She giggled as he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Now let’s continue without the interruptions.”

“They are approaching the edge of the shield,” Flo said.

“Is the forest doing anything?” I asked. Luna stepped away and started tracing something on the ground.

While she did that, Flo shook her head. “No.”

“Tell them to go through. Slowly approach the edge. Let Cascade touch one of the trees. If it doesn’t react, we’ll begin slowly moving in.”

Flo bowed her head. “They will advance. Shall the fires go with them?”

“One of them. Tell them to pick.”

Flo bubbled and turned pink. “It is done, Nav.”

“Thank you.” Her head bowed again.

A flash of light suddenly came from Luna’s drawing. She pressed her hoof into the ground at the center of it and the ground collapsed into a wide hole. As her hoof lifted out of the ground, the hole filled with water. Once her hoof was clear, the water instantly became still. “Approach,” she calmly said. “It focuses upon Kat.”

We all gathered around and sure enough, the water showed Kat and Cascade exiting the barrier. Kat had reloaded her crossbow and had it in some kind of strange sling. It allowed her to hold the crossbow in her off paw and her rapier in her main paw. I guess if you didn’t have to aim, that would give you one free long-ranged shot. Cascade was still calm and blue, idly sliding next to her host.

“That’s… interesting,” Brook said. “It’s like viewing through the eyes of a host.”

“Indeed,” Flo slowly said. “How did you do this?”

“A mix of runes, voodoo, and a standard water mirror spell,” she said. “The rune produces water. Normally, the spell would require a physical component. I can bypass that restriction using voodoo to tap into Kat’s spiritual connection to Nav. Honestly, since that connection is so powerful, I could probably create a nearly perfect voodoo doll of her…” She blinked a few times and nodded before looking at me. “I’ll make one for all of your followers later. Use it to keep us in line or control us from afar.”

“No the fuck you won’t,” I immediately said. “And if it’s at all convenient, ask me before doing any kind of dark magic, forbidden magic, voodoo, or anything that involves tapping into spiritual connections.”

“As you command, Nav,” she replied, bowing her head.

I can’t believe I have to tell people these things.

“Look at who you surround yourself with,” Aqua said. “Felix might be right, you know. Truth be told, you only have room for one obsessive love and that’s me!” After riding the high off my fear and spiked adrenaline, she giggled and said, “Kidding, kidding. But could you imagine, though? Oh, that would be the best! I can’t keep you from Taya, unfortunately, and she’s already too far gone without direct intervention. Honestly, at this point, I might just take her over and kick it up a notch. After all, it’s perfectly normal for a young lady to be with her mommy at all times!”

Sadist.

“Kidding, really!” She giggled again before booping me. “Or am I?” Her mad cackling continued, but it seemed she ran out of things to actually say.

Which was good, because it helped me skip all the idle chatter that was going on as Kat approached the forest. It was also kinda bad, because what she said was super creepy.

“The forest isn’t doing anything,” Brook said. “They’re approaching one of the trees now.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Watcher quietly said.

“Me too,” I said. “Advance! Cover them with the shield!”

The instant we started moving, a torrential downpour of hail slammed into the shield. It was deafening for an instant before Twilight’s horn lit up and silenced the hail.

“It’s reacting!” Watcher shouted as we ran. “I think it’s driving us into the forest for protection!”

“Cut down everything in our way!” I shouted. “Fuck the hail. We do this slow and steady.”

“Your hair is wilting,” Twilight slowly said.

I picked up a strand of it. Not only was it wilting, it was turning red. The flower was dead and it no longer seemed to resonate with life. “It’s like it changed seasons.”

“Keep that incense hoofy,” Watcher said. “You might need it in an instant.”

“Got it. Hear that, Taya?”

“Yes, mommy,” she said. “And you know what else it’s time for?”

“Playing lumberjack?” I asked.

“Your first cookie break,” she replied, horn lighting up. One of her pouches opened up and two cookies floated out. “Go on, mommy! Gotta keep up your energy.”

“Then get me some water. And get some for yourself, too.”

Flo cleared her throat as Taya searched for water. “My sisters have reached the edge, Nav. We are ready to begin at your word.”

“Go for it,” I said. It was a little muffled around the cookie, but she got the message.

“Get better, my lady,” Watcher sighed. “I mean, talking with your mouth full? Really?” Get better, Watcher. I mean, calling me out during a campaign? Really?

Saying that wouldn’t make him suffer enough, though. “I appreciate you pointing that out,” I replied when my mouth is clear. “Your reward is one boop.” I did so using the hand holding the cookie, so he’d have to smell it. He rolled his eyes and bore it with his standard annoyed expression. Once it was done, I nodded, took a bite of the cookie, and mumbled, “You’re welcome, vassal!”

“I know you’re just doing it to spite me, but all you’re doing is embarrassing yourself.”

“He’s just jealous he doesn’t have cookies,” Taya sweetly replied. Luna snorted. “Just for that, you have to eat one more.”

“See what you’ve done?” I groaned as she floated the last one my way.

Watcher just looked away and continued walking.

“Brook approached him once, you know,” Aqua said. “Asked if he ever wondered if it be better that you have a shorter leash. He didn’t reply, but it took a long time for him to walk away.”

I doubt this is what Brook had in mind.

“At the time, it was. We suspected Celestia would turn on us eventually. Some of us decided it would be best to keep you in Atlantis, grooming you to be the perfect replacement for her. We won enough voters that Brook decided to ask a few of your followers in complete confidence.”

I’m surprised they held their confidence.

“Or maybe I made that up,” she said, placing her hands on my shoulders. “You don’t believe a word I say, do you? So why bother tell you the truth?”

If you can present corroborating evidence, we might talk. Otherwise, it’s just claims.

“My claims are truth to you!” she growled.

Wow. Delusional much?

“Soon, oh so very soon… you’ll believe every little word I say as utter truth.”

That sounded horrifying, so I decided to tune her out and focus on real things. It gave me time to finish the last cookie like a proper lady, so I didn’t offend any more sensibilities with my uncouth actions. I savored the taste for a few seconds before washing it down with water.

When my mouth was clear of trespassers, Flo said, “We have cleared the first layer of trees. The more we cut, the harder the material became. It is nothing for us, but if it—” She froze for a moment before her gaze moved toward the front. “The trees are full of nanomachines.”

“Nobody can let the trees touch you,” I said. “Nanomachines can kill you instantly or turn you against us.”

“Slow and steady,” Watcher said. “I know some acid fog spells. It might help clear our path.”

“And make the path forward all gross and shit,” I said. “We’ll see how the elementals do for now. If what you said is true, we should press every advantage for as long as we have it.”

“Agreed,” Flo said. “These are only semi-intelligent. It appears that they are set to eliminate all large groups.”

“Could they be set to make crops?” I asked.

“Perhaps, but I believe that is only scratching the surface. Rain and Raine are trying to fight through their protection network now. We’ll keep going until they crack it.”

“Perhaps we are putting these elementals to the wrong use,” Luna said. “Maybe they should tend farms. If this is what less intelligent machines can do, I can only imagine what you’d be capable of.”

“Wonders,” Brook replied. “Soon, we can hammer our swords back into hoes and rebuild our homes. Until then, Nav needs us.”

“Hear that?” Aqua said in my head. “You need us!”

I wanted to make a rebuttal, but Luna beat me to the punch. “Need is a strong word. Nav is a fighter and a survivor. She would find a way without all of us, if she must.” Well, I could live without most of you, but I wouldn’t be bothering without Taya…

“That might be a little much,” Twilight said. “How many times have we had to rescue her?”

“Many,” Flo said. “Nav may be a survivor, but now that she has discovered the magic of friendship, she has become a true force to be reckoned with!”

“Way to make that sound as gay as possible,” I shot back.

“It’s fun to rub it in,” Twilight said. “I’ve been telling you from the beginning!”

“Yeah, but until just recently, I didn’t really have much luck in the friend or loyalty department.”

That shut the conversation down, thankfully. We slowly pushed forward into the forest, the spiky pillars towering over us.

“What will the shield stop?” Watcher finally asked.

“The hail and living creatures,” Luna replied. “With these trees, it’s unlikely that we’ll hit any tornados.”

“Will it keep out new growth?” Watcher asked.

“It will block the spores, but we’ll need to keep an eye out for any trees regrowing under us, or growing limbs into the shield.”

“I’m going to go warn my troops,” Watcher said. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Tell Gloomy I said hi,” I idly said as he walked away.

“As you wish,” he said without looking my way.

“I’ll go with him,” Twilight said. “I want to get a look at some of these trees.”

“Boop Sentinel on the nose for me,” I said as she hurried off to follow the old man.

“No thanks,” she replied.

“A wise choice,” Luna muttered.

“The local nanites are continuing to modify their composition,” Flo said. “They have attempted several consistencies. So far, we have cut through each one like butter.”

“Anything special?” I asked.

“Definitely unique, or at least nothing we’ve ever seen. The local nanites are rewriting the trees on the fly in response to what we’re doing. Their defense network seems to be fighting back, too. Mist and Carl are now also fighting with it. I’m confident that if we can crack it, we can stop the forest from resisting.”

“Can you?” I asked.

“Absolutely. Whether or not we can do it in a reasonable amount of time is the hard question. We will try.”

“For now, I will join the others at the front.” Brook said. “We will communicate through Flo if we must.”

“Good luck,” I said. She reached out and booped me with a tendril of water, then slid off. “I can’t believe that thing dared touch me.”

“Get over yourself,” Twilight said.

“It stopped hailing!” one of the griffin guards called. We all looked up and sure enough, the hail had stopped. What was left on the ground was rapidly melting into the parched looking ground. I could no longer tell what the weather in the rest of the forest looked like, but the skies above us were gray. Honestly, looking up through the thorns around our small bubble was kind of spooky.

“Think we could get some eyes in the sky?” I asked.

“The dome might be just waiting for someone to leave the shield,” Flo said. “Look how sudden the hail was before. We must hold fast to our course. Leaving risks death.”

“Show of hands, who wants to live forever?” I called out. A little fewer than half lifted appendages. “Wow, that’s actually more than I thought. Alright, would any of those who don’t want to live forever who’s also able to fly be interested in what might be a suicide mission?”

“I’ll do it for a date!” one of the male pegasi called back.

“With who?” I asked.

He blinked. “Oh. I uh… thought you’d say no. I just wanted to sound stallionly...”

“Anybody else wanna waste my time with some bullshit?” I called out, looking around. The guard who spoke up dropped his head in shame and nobody else replied. “Then I guess we stay the course.”

“The rear edge of the shield will soon be passing the treeline,” Luna said. “If it regrows behind us, we will be trapped.”

“My sisters are halting,” Flo said. “The trees are changing again.”

“Changing how?” I asked as the waters edged back toward us. Kat finally rejoined me, taking her proper place on my arm.

“Wholly,” Flo said. “It appears they’re becoming something else, probably another type of tree.”

Sure enough, the trees lost all the thorns. After that, most of the trees just shrunk back into the ground. The ones that remained slowly grew huge branches right at the tops of the trunks. Once the branches were formed, foliage started covering them. The light levels instantly dropped.

“What are they doing?” Flo slowly asked.

Luna’s horn lit up and a flare slowly shot up out of our bubble. Once it illuminated the foliage, we could see several gigantic spikey balls of death. As we watched, the first one fell to the ground.

Thankfully for us, it wasn’t anywhere near our group. It hit the ground with a thundering crack, splitting it open and spewing some kind of green gas.

“We should go,” I said.

“FLARES!” Watcher called out. All his unicorns shot flares up into the sky. Each slowly moved up as our group began moving forward.

“We’ll take turns deflecting the seeds,” Twilight said. “Me first, then Luna, then Taya.”

“Shall I keep the shield up?” Luna asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Better safe than sorry. Unless it’s a problem, that is.”

“There is no problem,” she replied. “I have had little to do but practice and train, recently.”

“You’re certainly very well toned,” I said. “Your belly was soft, but not very squishy.”

“It must be so nice to have options to choose from,” she said. “Twilight is soft from a life of luxury and study, Taya still has her foal-pudge, I am toned, and Gilda is fuzzy and bumpy.”

“Yeah, life’s pretty great,” I said. “I don’t think Spike likes sharing Gilda’s belly, though.”

“That is not who I—”

“Who cares?” OG asked. “I’ll admit it: Your bellyrubs are amazing. Spike ain’t gonna stop me from getting one!”

“My bellyrubs are just as good!” Spike called from his place near the rear.

“Sometimes a hen just wants a more feminine touch! I’ll let you watch, but no touching!”

“Cut the chatter!” Watcher yelled. “You aren’t children!”

“Relax,” I said. “I mean, sure it’s a little bit spooky out here, but it’s not like we’re in danger.”

“My lady, we just watched a huge number of gigantic spiky trees just burrow back into the very ground we’re now walking on top of.”

“Talk about weird, right?”

“And then the remaining trees changed composition, sprouted branches, and are now dropping spiky balls of death on us! I believe keeping our senses about us is better than mindlessly chattering!”

“You can do both,” Flo said. “Nav, we’ve managed to crack some of the weaker encryption on the local machines.”

“I don’t actually know what that means,” I said. “Can you make them stop dropping shit on us?”

“Not yet, but we’re getting there. Picking up the pace would be better than waiting on us, though.”

“You heard the lady,” Watcher called out. “Pick up the—”

The ground exploded out from underneath us. At first, I thought one of the balls hit us. Then I realized that trees sprouted under our very feet and catapulted us all into the air.

After a few seconds of complete shock, I slowly looked around. We were now surrounded on all sides by extremely thick pine trees. “What the absolute fuck?” I said from my position on top of a tree.

“Everybody down!” Watcher called. “Get on the ground, regroup!”

That seemed like a pretty good idea. Most of the unicorns teleported down. They helped the rest of us awkwardly slide down. Soon enough, our command ground surrounded one of the pine trees.

“They look normal,” Watcher said.

“They are normal,” Flo replied. “As far as we can tell, each of these is a completely standard pine tree. We will need to check everybody to ensure nobody has been injected with nanomachines.”

“We don’t have time,” Aqua said with my mouth. “We need to move before these trees turn poisonous or something.”

“That’s a fair point,” Twilight said. “They’re normal pine trees now. I don’t feel safe standing next to one.”

We all heard a loud crack above us. Everybody looked up and saw a huge cloud full of lightning rolling down on us.

“They’re gonna burn us out!” Watcher said.

“Flo, pull your sisters back,” I said.

“Are we retreating?” she asked as the waters joined us.

“We’re consolidating,” I replied. “I want all the trees around us gone as quickly as possible and make sure nothing can grow under us, if possible.” They rushed to begin clearing foliage, melting it down before our eyes.

“Nav, we don’t have much time,” Watcher warned.

“I know. Taya, Twilight, once we have a clearing around us, burn everything back fifteen meters. White hot, leave absolutely nothing but ash.”

“You plan to fight fire with fire?” Luna asked.

“Hell no, I’m just not leaving anything for their fire to burn. Will the shield filter out ash, smoke, or fire?”

“Fire, yes. Ash and smoke, no.”

“We could do that,” Flo said. “My sisters can form a bubble around all of us. It won’t block fire, but you will be able to breathe.”

“That’s our last option.” Lightning finally struck somewhere a few hundred meters away. “We have got to get out of this fucking forest. We have to keep moving forward.”

“Is that clear enough?” Flo asked when the last of the trees immediately surrounding us were gone.

“Yes. Girls?” Their horns lit up and several meters of trees just vaporized into powder. “Wow.”

“Was that a little much?” Twilight asked.

“I wasn’t expecting it to be that fast,” I replied with a shrug. “Can the two of you burn a swath of trees from here to the center?”

“Easily,” Taya said.

“We can keep cutting our path forward,” Flo said.

“Focus on the ground for now,” I said. “See what you can do about making sure nothing sprouts under us again. Taya, Twilight, lead the way.”

“You got it, mommy!” Taya spunkily replied. I knew she would enjoy hearing that. Our group began moving again, this time with Twilight and my daughter taking the lead.

“There’s a fire across the crater,” Luna said, her eyes watching the far side. “And it’s spreading quickly.” Sure enough, the cloud of smoke was growing uncomfortably fast.

“Whoever designed this place is an asshole,” I replied.

“Didn’t Anonymous design this place?” Flo asked.

“Probably not,” I replied. “This hellscape probably came well after that asshole died.”

“Not a very polite way to describe yourself,” she muttered.

“Navarone is not Anonymous,” Brook said.

“Another fire,” Luna said. “At this rate, the entire crater will be burning within the hour.”

“Which doesn’t really mean that much,” I said. “With the water elementals to shelter us from the smoke and them keeping everything else burned back, we should be fine.”

“How long does the walk usually take?” Flo asked Felix.

“For me? About an hour. I spent some of the time just sightseeing. After all, you’ll find things here you won’t see anywhere else.”

“It’s only a few kilometers,” Watcher said. “But that can be deceptive, especially in a place like this.”

Before anyone else could reply, the shield was struck by lightning. It was blinding and most of us cried out.

A few seconds after it passed, Zecora called out, “Everybody, open your eyes. I will cure this.” It was decidedly hard to do so, but I forced them open and dealt with the blinding pain. Once everybody had opened their eyes, something splashed onto the ground and started spewing smoke. As soon it hit my eyes, the pain went away and I could see again.

“Keep moving forward!” Watcher yelled.

“The clouds to our right are starting to move,” one of the griffins called. “Looks like the start of a tornado!”

I reached into a pouch and pulled out the alicorn amulet. “Watcher, use this to cast your acid cloud spell to our left, toward the center of the crater.”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied, floating it over with magic. As soon as he put it on, his horn lit up red and a large green cloud appeared over the trees to our left. When it had spread out about half a kilometer, it started to rain some kind of acid, making the trees immediately start smoking.

Once the rain started, he removed the amulet and floated it back to me. “Thank you,” I said, putting it away.

“Sure you don’t want me to have it, mommy?” my sweet little daughter asked.

“Not yet. Twilight, will you need it to deal with a tornado?”

“Depends on the category. I’ll let you know when it gets here.”

“So, how bad is a tornado in a forest this thick?” I asked.

“It shouldn’t be that bad,” one of the pegasi said. “Unless it has a clear space to build, that is.”

“Which, knowing this place, it probably does,” I said. “Flo, any luck?”

“We’re getting there. I fear we aren’t desperate enough yet, though. Ask again when all hope seems lost.”

“You got it.” Weirdo.

“A funnel is forming!” one of the griffins called. “It’s dropping down now.”

I looked out that way and sure enough, a tornado was starting to touch down. We could already feel the wind picking up from where we were. It was only when the tornado hit land and lit on fire did we realize that the trees over there had already been hit by lightning. The firespout immediately began moving our way, picking up pieces of burning trees as it went.

“That doesn’t look promising,” I quietly said.

“Maybe we should pick up the pace a little,” Kat said.

“Princess, can you move any faster?” I called back.

“I can fly.”

“I’ll carry her,” Spike replied, picking the princess up with a very unprincessly squawk. Once he got her comfortably arranged, she seemed more open to the idea. “As long as she doesn’t mind, that is.”

“I don’t,” she said. “It’s quite comfy, in fact.”

OG made a few unfriendly sounding noises about that, but I honestly didn’t care. “Then let’s pick up the pace.” We bumped our speed up again. My legs were starting to get tired, so I finally pulled up the potpourri and inhaled. The scent burned my nose, but I instantly felt better and continued jogging with ease.

“I can’t help but think of all the wood we’re wasting,” Flo sighed. “We could have made many homes.”

“I assume when you crack it, you can grow all the wood you want. We could probably supply the changelings, if we can get the railway set up.”

“You seek to occupy this place?” Luna asked.

“If we can. Look at what the front yard can do. This would be a wonderful fortress. Infinite food, infinite wood, infinite life-saving medicines, all in the blink of an eye. If we can tame this place, we grow several steps closer to a peaceful, self-sustaining world.”

“She is correct,” Flo said. “Controlling the nanites here would be very beneficial. More of us are dedicated to it now. We’re finally able to see that the weather is also controlled by nanites, so we’ll be able to stop both once we’re in.”

“Got an ETA on that?” I asked. “That fiery tornado is getting much bigger.” It wasn’t moving forward that quickly, so it had time to build up speed.

“Not yet. Be patient.”

“We’re running out of time to be patient in.”

“Another funnel, left side!” one of the griffins called. “Over the acid cloud!”

“Oh boy, an acid tornado!” Watcher sarcastically said.

“You were the one who recommended it! Twilight, can you drop two of them?”

“I’ll need the amulet.” I pulled it out and handed it to her. She stared at it for a moment before sighing and sliding it around her neck. “It might be best if I held onto it for now, in case we get blindsided by one.”

“Okay, but be careful.”

“Always. Silence, would you mind taking my place?” The quiet unicorn did as she asked without a word, taking over her spot burning the trees for us. “Now then…” She walked over to the right edge of the shield. When Twilight was in place, her horn lit up red and an icy gale shot out toward the tornado. The winds collided with a thunderclap and the tornado slowly ground down into nothing, sending debris flying everywhere. “One down.”

“Fucking nice,” I said. “I didn’t realize you had an air conditioner in there!”

“I can do all kinds of things to you, silly!” she sweetly replied as she walked back over. “I’m definitely going to enjoy trying each of them out, one by one!”

“Sounds hot. So what about the other tornado?”

“I’ll wait until it’s closer.” She pressed up against my other side, the one Kat hadn’t claimed. “I’m surprised you aren’t taking advantage of your newest vassal.”

“...In what way?” I very slowly asked.

“She mentioned old allies riding her. I assumed you would be interested.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Luna quickly said. “My body is yours to use however you please, liege lady.”

“Don’t say it like that,” I sighed. “There might be a time when riding you is useful. Now is not it. To be honest, I don’t particularly like riding.”

“O-oh,” Luna said, looking away. “I thought… Never mind.”

I was quite curious what she thought, but she said never mind and I wasn’t going to be nosy.

“What did you think?” Aqua asked.

“That I would be my lady’s battle mount, of course,” Luna replied. “I believe it would be a comfortable fit for both of us and it would likely increase your survivability and lethality. The extra height would allow you to see more of the battlefield and give orders easily. It’s also possible to sync the runes on our armor sets so we get extra advantages.”

“For the moment, I prefer my own two feet,” I replied. Kat snuggled me closer.

“So be it,” she replied. “Know that my body craves whatever touch you choose to give it.”

“Do you really have to word it like that?” I sighed.

“What’s wrong with it?” she innocently asked.

“It sounds lewd!”

“Well… If that is where your mind went… I submit to your will, my lady. I said I crave any touch and if that is the only use you can conceive for me…” I sighed in complete disappointment. She smiled innocently at me.

“Don’t even think about touching mommy,” Taya warned. “And I better not even need to warn you, mommy!”

“Don’t be rude,” I said.

“Another funnel, above us!” one of the griffins called.

The ground cracked under Twilight’s feet as she shot a huge spike of ice directly into the cloud. After a few seconds, it spun itself out and we continued moving in peace. “How’s that for sexy?” she asked me.

“Pretty darn sexy. You need some kind of battle cry or pun, though.”

“Uh… Ice to meet you!”

“Give it up,” Spike said. “You’ve already been down that road, remember?”

“Oh yeah, now I remember,” I said. “Against Trixie! You were worse than she was!”

“That’s not… We agreed never to talk about that!”

“Fine, be that way. The point is, your battle talk is garbage.”

“Yeah, well… At least I don’t scream about rubbing bellies!”

“Yeah, well… Shut your whore mouth.”

She warmly nuzzled my hand, trying to get ear scritches. When they weren’t forthcoming, she used magic to marionette my hand to meet her selfish desires. Once her ears were being treated properly, she sighed in contentment. “Is this cute enough for you, Navi?” she asked.

“Remember what I said about magic?”

“Um… Oh.” Her magic released me. “C’mon, Navi! I’m the element of magic! Why can’t I use it to show affection?”

“I can’t fight back at all, so it comes off as weird, possessive, and creepy. That acid tornado is getting kinda close.”

“You don’t mind when I physically drag you around!”

“You couldn’t overpower me physically. If I didn’t want it, I could fight back.”

“Uh, you sure about that?” she asked. “I could kick your butt any day of the week!”

“That’s the corruption talking,” Flo said. “You might be slightly stronger than Nav, but she is an exceptional fighter.”

“Uh huh, sure. I could put her in her place in less than a minute!”

Watcher cleared his throat. “That acid tornado is getting a lot bigger and a lot closer!”

“Admit it, Navi!” Twilight shouted, stomping a hoof on the ground.

“I’m not gonna admit a lie. I could put you on the ground in a heartbeat. Now kill the tornado!”

“Oh, you’re on!” she growled. “The next chapter is gonna be about putting your sub in her place!”

My cloak was starting to stir from the tornado’s wind. “Twilight, for the love of whatever, kill the tornado!”

“Anything for you, my love!” she sweetly replied. Her horn lit up red and the tornado hit an invisible wall. Her hooves slid back half a meter before digging in. Soon enough, the tornado ground itself out against the wall. Once it was dead, Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “T-there!”

“Good work, honey. Any more trouble brewing in the skies?” I asked.

“Not near us,” one of the griffins called.

“There’s a giant tornado across the crater,” Luna replied. “It’s also on fire and seems to be coming this way.”

“This is getting old quick,” I said.

“The air is getting thick with smoke,” Flo said. “You will likely need our assistance with breathing, soon.”

“Once that happens, we won’t be able to see tornados,” Watcher said. “We’ll be sitting ducks.”

“Can we blow the smoke back with wind?” Kat asked.

“It would just fan the flames,” Taya replied.

“Could you make rain?” I asked, looking at Watcher. “You can make acid rain, after all…”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am. We didn’t get too much weather magic in the guard. We just learned how to kill and hurt.”

“Luna?” I asked.

“I’m afraid to disappoint you, but I also have little experience with such matters. I will rectify my shortcomings as soon as possible.”

“Has anybody noticed the temperature dropping fast?” Felix asked. “It’s getting colder. Soon, it’ll be too cold for us to keep going.”

“We’ll handle that,” Watcher said. “Unicorns, pop heat spells. Cardinal points around mine.” His horn lit up and a burst of warmth hit me. “Go.” The rest of his unicorns cast their own heat spells around the group, warming us all up and making us nice and toasty. “Pop more flares, too. It’ll be getting pitch black soon, aside from the fires.” All five of them shot flares up, illuminating vast swathes of the shitty forest around us.

“There’s movement in the trees,” one of the guards called out.

Before I could ask what kind of movement, something struck the shield and bounced off. Twilight snatched the creature with magic before it could slither off. It appeared to be some kind of mutated wolf. One of the water elementals slid out the shield and dissolved the beast before reentering the shield.

“It’s controlled by nanomachines,” she said. “We must capture more if possible.”

“They know the shield blocks animals now,” I said. “I doubt we’ll have the chance.”

One of the soldiers started screaming. We all looked his way and saw him getting dragged out of the shield by a vine around one of his legs. His unicorn immediately freed him and yanked him back.

“Circle up!” Watcher called. His troops and the griffin guards moved into a vaguely circle-like shape around me, my command party, and the princess. The water elementals surrounded them. “Keep an eye out for vines and creatures. Let nothing harm our lady!”

“I’m not sure vines or animals would actually hurt me,” I said. “Though I do like having a bunch of manly guards clamoring to keep me safe!”

“I’m not manly!” Nightshade called.

“You’re right, sorry,” I said. “A bunch of manly guards and a few sweet little cutie-pies.” She giggled. In fact, I appreciate the sweet little cutie-pies more than the manly ones. “I just wish you weren’t always so zealous.”

“You just mean so much to us,” Watcher sarcastically replied. “We could never stand letting anything happen to you.”

“Super gay,” I said.

Watcher turned his gaze to Luna. “I believe our lady is getting weary. It might be best if you carried her for a little while.”

“Agreed,” Kat said, patting my arm. “I can hear the poor dear panting!”

“Let me just help you up, mommy,” Taya said, using magic to float me over to Luna’s back. Truth be told, it was a fairly comfortable fit. “How’s that feel?”

“Like it was made for me,” I said. “Thanks for the suggestion, honey. I’ll be utilizing my new battle mount much more often, now!”

“Mmm, I’m glad you approve,” Luna sighed, stretching her legs. “I love how you feel on top of me, my lady. I’d be happy to follow every order you give…”

I honestly can’t tell if she’s flirting with me or if she’s just messing with me.

“I’d say messing with you,” Aqua said. “Or perhaps testing the waters. I do not suggest replying positively to any such advances.”

Would you have suggested replying positively to Kat’s advances?

“Absolutely not. She is dangerous. You’re lucky she hasn’t hurt you yet. You will not be spending more time with her like that.”

To be honest, that might be for the best.

“Besides, your new partner will be sure to keep you satisfied at all times. You’ll be too exhausted to complain about my treatment!”

Finally an upside. “So why did you want to be my battle mount?” I asked. “It doesn’t seem like the most comfortable position.”

“Because the safest place for you on any battlefield is by my side,” she replied. “This way, I can keep you safe no matter what.”

“Well, my other vassals and even my daughter were quick to pawn me off on you. It’s nice to know at least one of you cares about me.”

“I just want you safe, mommy!” Taya sweetly said. “Pairing you up with your most powerful vassal seems like the safest idea to me!”

“I was hoping she would keep you quiet,” Watcher said.

“How difficult would it be to take away a night guard’s appearance?” I asked.

“Not very,” Luna replied. Watcher decided he didn’t have anything else to say.

“I’m sad to say it, but having you close is too distracting,” Kat said. “Your very touch makes my heart flutter. Keeping my wits about me while you are in my grasp is difficult. The whole world seems to light up and I stop focusing on threats…”

“I always get sucked in by the touch,” Taya said. “Mommy’s hands are so amazing. I love how they feel all over me! It’s impossible to fight back when she starts rubbing my belly. I like when mommy holds me down and makes me her little cuddleslut!” Oh dear…

That made everyone stare straight at her before their judgmental gazes moved to me. “Her little what?” Princess Gilda coldly asked.

“It’s an in-joke between them,” Flo immediately replied.

“She jokingly calls her daughter a cuddleslut?” PG incredulously asked.

“Sure does!” Taya said. “And I love it! Oooh, I just love my mommy so much!”

“I love you, too,” I said.

“Why cuddleslut?” PG asked.

“Because it’s a very apt description,” I said. “You should see her take her cuddles like the good little filly she is. I just love snuggling her silly!”

“Isn’t that also super gay?” Spike asked.

“How dare you?” I replied. “That’s my daughter!”

“But—”

“Nope, don’t wanna hear it,” I said. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Spike.”

“I don’t understand your rules over what is and isn’t gay,” Watcher said.

“It’s simple, Watcher,” I replied. “If I say it’s gay, it’s gay.”

“See there?” Aqua called. “Complete nonsense!”

“You’re just jealous that I’m more popular,” I said. “Everybody likes me more! You’re just a big meanie-head.”

“How typical. Childish as always.”

Before I could continue being childish, something burst out of the ground next to Luna. She danced away, keeping me secure with her wings. The new creature was some kind of giant lizard. It darted our way but was almost immediately engulfed by Flo. Some water sisters moved to fill the hole before more could emerge.

“FUNNEL!” one of the griffins screamed. “ABOVE!”

More lizards shot out of the ground around us. The guards were ready this time and forced them all onto the dirt, letting the elementals take them. The fire elementals got a few, but the waters absorbed most.

Thankfully, Twiggles didn’t wait for them. Her horn lit up blood red and the ground under her hooves cracked. “It’s… so strong!” she hissed. Finally, her nostrils flared and a light shot out of her horn. It pierced right through the growing funnel above us. As it touched the funnel, the wind just blew itself out. Once the light finally hit the clouds, it cut a hole straight through them, blowing a huge chunk of the clouds away. The light finally hit the magical dome and reflected, making Twilight gasp in shock.

Her horn finally died out. One of her hooves lifted up to her head and she shuddered slightly. After several long seconds, we heard a faint clang.

“Was that the dome?” I asked.

“I’d say so,” Luna replied. “It’s far enough away that the sound would take a second to reach us. How do you feel, Twilight? That did not look easy.”

“I think… I need to take the amulet off now.” She did so without another word. “I should not have attempted that alone. It was stronger than the others.”

“Give it to Taya,” I said. My daughtered giggled in glee. “She can hold onto it for now. She can’t wear it yet, though.”

“But it looks so good on me, mommy!” she said. “Besides, a little corruption never hurt anybody, right? It just means I’ll be more willing to do whatever it takes to protect you!”

“What if it corrupted you into not loving me anymore?” I asked.

“Impossible!” Taya replied. “Loving you is all I have, mommy! All it could do is change how I love you! And is that really so bad? We’ll still be together, won’t we? I’ll just be much more powerful!”

“You know what, never mind,” I said. “I will hold onto the amulet.” Twilight floated it to me while Taya sighed and pouted. I slid it into its pouch. “So, glean anything from those lizards?”

“More nanites,” Flo said. “Different types, which is good. The more of them we have, the easier they will be to break.”

“Did you save enough to make me a pair of boots?”

“Maybe enough to make a lash. I bet you’d prefer that.”

“True. I need something to keep my new mount in line. She’s awful jumpy.”

“Ginger root, perhaps,” Flo suggested.

“Absolutely not!” Luna said. “I would not balk at a lashing from my lady, but I will not be gingered like some common street harlot!”

“Relax, I was kidding,” I said. “I don’t need to hit you to keep you under control.”

“You sure about that?” Spike asked.

“She’s not an insubordinate stuck up dragon who’s pretending he’s doing what’s best for me as an excuse to exert his own strength and dominance.”

“I will never understand how you are so unfazed by things,” Watcher sighed. “It’s surreal!”

“Oh, I’ve just completely given up,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t care one way or another if I live or die. I’ve been waiting for the sweet release of death for so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to have a future.”

“...I suppose I do understand now.”

“See there, Watcher? Never say never!”

“So who wants to talk about what Nav just said?” Twilight asked.

“Me!” Taya immediately said.

“I’m also interested,” Kat added.

“And me,” my not-so-loyal steed said.

“Over here,” Princess Gilda said.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s a self-defeating cliche, but the classics are just that for a reason! I won’t apologize for saying never say never.”

“I understand why Flo started hitting you,” Aqua said aloud.

“This is why you have no friends, Aqua,” Ice said. “Be nice to Navi! She’s just doing her best!”

“No she’s not. It’s obvious she isn’t even trying. Just look at her. She even said herself that she doesn’t care if she lives or dies.”

“Why would I need to be serious?” I asked. “For a little bit of wind and a few overgrown lizards? We’re in no danger here.”

“It’s unwise to underestimate your opponent,” Luna quietly said.

“And finally a vassal speaks sense,” Aqua said, mockingly clapping. “If only you contradicted everything stupid she said. Though I suppose she wouldn’t get much done, then.”

“Go be a bitch somewhere else,” Flo flippantly replied.

It’s nice to see a real water elemental in action again. That actually made Aqua turn green with envy. Oh yeah, I actually liked Flo! You’re just a mean bitch.

“Always with the insults!” she growled in my head. “You’re just trying to hurt me! Stop acting out for attention!”

Says the woman who was just insulting me.

“Well of course. I’m testing the others to see how loyal they are to you by pointing out obvious faults in your leadership skills. I don’t know how, but they all seem steadfastly loyal. That makes my job more difficult, but not impossible.”

They’ll realize your game eventually.

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“That fire is getting close,” Luna said. “Its smoke will soon be affecting us.”

“Everybody bunch up,” I said. “Waters, cover us all in a bubble. Keep an eye out for weather that we need to take care of.”

“We won’t be able to see far,” Flo said as my troops started getting close and comfy. The fire elementals watched from near the edge of the shield “It will soon be very smoky.”

“Do what you can,” I said.

Once everybody had gathered around me, Flo nodded. “Are you ready, Nav?”

“Yes. Keep us safe.”

“With pleasure.” All of the sisters but Flo formed a bubble around us. After a few seconds, it turned transparent.

“We can keep going as soon as you’re ready, mommy,” Taya said. “I can burn those trees down from in here no problem!”

“Keep going. Everybody be careful about your speed. Falling behind now would be a very bad idea.”

Taya started pressing forward again, horn lit up to destroy the pine trees as we went. Twilight was taking a moment to eat something, which made me remember the cookies. My daughter was too busy to bother, so I didn’t ask for them.

I was starting to feel weary again, so I sniffed the potpourri to keep me going. Thankfully, Zecora finally managed to make something good for you that was actually enjoyable.

“How are you feeling?” Kat quietly asked.

“The lack of light is starting to get to me,” I replied.

“Your hair is grey and lifeless now,” she said. “It looks like the flowers are losing petals…”

“Well, we knew this was coming,” I said. “Which is why we planned for it. Zecora was nice enough to make me something.”

“How is it working?” the zebra asked.

“Well. Best of all, it smells good!”

“My apologies,” she replied. “I’ll make sure all future batches smell terrible. I have a reputation to uphold, after all.” The worst part is that I couldn’t tell if she was being serious.

“Couldn’t you change your reputation?” Taya asked. “You could start making medicine that actually tastes good!”

“The highlight of my day is making your mother complain,” Zecora answered. “And since she enjoys complaining so much, it’s a win-win!”

“I take offense to that,” I said.

“Okay.”

“And nobody is going to rush to defend their lady’s honor?” I sarcastically asked.

“What honor?” Spike muttered, making PG snicker.

“You haven’t heard?” OG asked. “Everybody’s been on ‘er!” Spike and PG giggled.

“Seriously?” I sighed. “Nobody is gonna try and defend me?”

“Stop bullying our lady,” Kat said.

“Thank you, Kat,” I said. “You’re currently my favorite vassal!”

“But you’re riding me!” Luna said as Kat preened.

“Against my will. When I needed somebody to defend my honor, only my noble Kat was there for me!”

“If only she had been there when you were attacked by that assassin in Gryphus,” Twilight said. “Or that bounty hunter.”

“...What assassin?” Kat slowly asked, staring at me with her hollow, soulless eyes.

“Did we not talk about that?” I asked.

“We did not.”

“I coulda swore we talked about this!”

Her head tilted slightly, but her empty eyes continued staring at mine. “What bounty hunter?”

“The ones who attacked me on my most recent trip to Gryphus, of course.” Her unblinking gaze beat down on me. “Kat, that’s creepy as fuck. Quit it.”

“Forgive me, my lady,” she evenly replied, though her eyes still didn’t move. “I was just thinking about what fun we’ll have together on your next vacation!”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again.”

“No promises,” she said, finally looking away. “You’re so beautiful that my eyes are just drawn to you sometimes!”

And that’s why you’re my favorite vassal. All the really kinky, lewd lesbian sex also helps.

After a few seconds of silence, Taya cleared her throat. “Twilight, another woman just called your special somepony beautiful!”

“Kat’s a vassal,” Twilight said. “She doesn’t count.”

OG immediately said, “You’re beautiful, Nav.”

“SHE’S MINE YOU SKANK!” Twilight yelled, slapping OG with magic. Not enough to hurt, just enough to get her attention.

“Please stop screaming inside my sisters,” Flo said.

“Is that really your plan the next time another mare hits on me?” I asked.

“No, just any hens,” Twilight said. “I have different plans for any mare who tries hitting on you.”

I cast my gaze around the little bubble before focusing on the first mare I saw. “Nightshade, hit on me.”

“I’m not into munching carpet, my lady,” she replied.

“Fuck. Sentinel—”

“Absolutely not.”

“Scoria?”

“Pass.”

“...Sanguine?”

“No buckin’ way. I don’t wanna get slapped with magic!”

I sighed and finally locked eyes with Gloomwing, who was staring at me with barely contained glee. After taking a few seconds to think about it, I decided against it. “Oh well,” I sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to wait.”

Gloomy’s body sagged in disappointment. “B-but my l-lady…” she whimpered.

“Sorry Gloomy, I just couldn’t stand seeing Twilight hit you. It would break my heart.” That put some pep right back in her step.

“But you wouldn’t mind her hitting the rest of us?” Sentinel asked.

“Shhh. Let Gloomy have this.” Sentinel rolled her eyes.

“How’s the weather out there looking?” Watcher asked Flo.

“The hole Twilight formed in the clouds has closed, but we don’t see any funnels forming. There’s still the one across the crater that’s starting to pick up steam heading this way. We also have fires approaching from both sides.”

“Are those fires gonna be threats?” I asked.

“Fifteen meters should be enough for us,” Flo said. “My sisters and I will not steam. And we will filter the air for all of you, so you should also be fine.”

“I should have done this years ago,” Felix said. “If I had known how easy it was to get this large of a group in here, I could have cleared the entire place out!”

“What do you mean, easy?” Watcher asked. “Without the elementals, we probably would have been smoked out. And since they don’t exactly grow on trees, you’d be hard-pressed to find one to join you. You’d also have to charter an airship to get you here and your loot out, which means finding one willing to go so far out of their way. It also means finding one geared up for extreme altitudes and cold weather.”

“None of which are cheap,” I said. “It cost me a fortune to outfit the Second Chance. I’m not sure what Moonie spent on the Ambassador, but given that it’s running magitech, it probably wasn’t cheap.”

“...Magitech?” PG asked.

“Magic used to fuel technology,” I replied. “Like the ring we found.”

“Ah. I would like a look at this ship.”

“Feel free,” I replied. “If the crew gives you trouble, let me know and I’ll talk to them.”

“Very well. Seeing changeling designs will be quite interesting.”

The ground sunk out from under Luna. Before she could react, something bit down on her legs. Whatever it was immediately began screeching in pain and trying to burrow away, but Flo shot into the ground after it. By the time she had caught it, Luna managed to climb out of the new hole. “Didn’t even scratch the armor,” she smugly said.

“Alright, my legs will grow back,” I said. “Anybody else feel like riding Luna for a little while?”

“After that?” Taya said. “You better stay up there, mommy!”

“Agreed,” Kat said. “We are expendable. You are not. Stay where you are safe.”

“Whoa, go easy on the e word,” I said.

“Hm, no. Not until you learn your lesson, my lady.”

“Alright, you’re trading places with me,” I said.

I tried sliding out of the saddle, but Luna’s horn lit up and kept me in place. “Kat is correct,” she said. “We are expendable. You are our lady. All of us must lay down our lives for you. You will stay where you are safe.”

“Will?” I asked.

“Yes,” Taya said. “You will stay there.”

“...Fine. But nobody better bitch or moan about losing a leg to one of those things. Can we extend the shield to cover the ground?”

“We can,” Luna said. “We’ll have to stop for a moment, though.”

“How long?” I asked.

“Just a few seconds.”

“Everybody stop for a sec!” I called out. Our party came to a halt. Luna’s eyes closed and the shield outside of the elementals shrank until it just barely covered the two fires. Once it was smaller, the edge of the shield started sifting through the dirt.

When Luna decided it was done, she nodded. “We may move once more.” The pace picked up again without orders. “It isn’t often that I make a fully-enclosed shield on the ground.”

“A lot of things are happening today that don’t commonly happen,” Twilight said. “It doesn’t count as a waste of magic if you’re actually blocking something from getting to you.”

“Agreed,” Luna said. “Normally, I would only do such a thing in the air. I’ve only had to cover the ground once, when changelings tried burrowing under one of my forts.”

“How’d that go?” Watcher asked.

“Very poorly for the changelings, who managed to tunnel directly into our septic system. Luckily for them, they don’t have the sense of smell. Luckily for us, we do. We were able to tell pretty quickly what had happened and I extended the shield before they could get to us.”

“Why were you fighting changelings?” Twilight asked. “I thought relations only started deteriorating after your exile.”

“They were mercenaries. I don’t remember why we were actually fighting them, though. I don’t suppose it matters, honestly. All war seems to accomplish is spilling blood and making Discord more powerful. My sister and I quickly learned that it was best to avoid them entirely. We were not always capable of doing so, but we were able to keep most nations at back with surreptitious missions, assassinations, trade deals, threats, and occasionally bribes.”

“Like threatening a bunch of dragon eggs?” Spike asked.

“Indeed. Speaking of which, how did you resolve that crisis?” she asked.

“Pyrite’s mommy had a word with him,” I said.

Luna snorted. “Amusing. So what actually happened?”

“That is what actually happened,” I said. “Momma Tintaglia’s dragonesses kidnapped me as I was being taken to a cell and dragged me all the way back to her lair, where Pyrite keeps his hoard. She ended up adopting me as thanks for saving her son’s mind after I got Char to leave him. After I told her that Pyrite planned to bathe the world in fire to sate his greed, she told him to knock it off.”

“...I see.”

“I don’t believe that,” Felix said.

“Alright. Pyrite knocked Bahamut’s ass the fuck out and I put him into a permanent coma using the dream world.”

“How?” Luna asked.

“Using the defenders. We can go over it later.” Or maybe not. “Anyway, that’s the extremely barebones story of how I kinda accidentally saved the world after accidentally almost fucking it all up. Story of my life. Oh, and Aqua also slapped me around several times that trip.”

“Because she’s a mean bully,” Flo said.

“Exactly, because she’s a mean bully.”

“Who’s the bully now?” Aqua asked from the bubble.

“Still you,” Flo said. I couldn’t keep a smug smile off my face.

“You’re just agreeing with Nav because you want back inside of her!”

“Not so,” Flo said. “But I understand that you prefer thinking that to realizing the truth of how cruel you can be.”

“Fuckin’ burn,” I said, lifting a hand up for Flo to high-five.

Before her tendril of water could reach me, another one shot out of the bubble and slapped it away. “DENIED!” Aqua shouted.

“See there?” Flo said. “Classic bully.”

“Stop fighting, children,” Brook’s voice said.

I moved my hand back for Flo to slap it. She did so with no difficulties this time. I am so surprised you’re actually letting me say all of this about you.

“Once again, I am feeling the waters,” she said. “Learning where the opinions of all the others stand. When I have everything planned out properly, your behavior will improve.”

“So when do you think the forest will try something else?” one of the redshirts asked.

“Probably right the fuck now, since you had to jinx it,” I replied. We all looked around, but nothing was actually changing. There was now a fire completely covering the forest to our right and the tornado across the crater was probably at least a category three and seemed to be picking up speed fairly rapidly.

“Hah!” the redshirt shouted. “See there, my lady? It’s not always—” All the trees on our left shrunk back into the ground, giving the tornado a much easier way of getting to us. “...Oh. What’s the correct human phrase for this, my lady?”

“God dammit,” I said. “Or maybe fuck. Possibly something like please rub my belly. Depends on context, really. Twilight, can you kill that thing?”

“If it was closer, yes. But by the time it actually gets to us? I’m… honestly not sure. I can beat smaller tornados without the amulet. I can beat larger ones with it. But I don’t think I could beat the largest.”

“Luna?”

“I can probably defeat any tornado. Whether or not I will be useful afterwards is the question. Your alicorn amulet will not affect me, so that is not an option.”

“You said my alicorn amulet won’t affect you. Is there more than one?”

“I misspoke,” she said. “The alicorn amulet does not affect alicorns. I’m surprised my sister let you keep such an artifact.”

“So am I, to be honest. A lot of her judgments involving me were not sound.”

“Indeed. I’m confident that between all the unicorns we have here, we can defeat any tornado with no real issue. That would likely be the only way for us to safely stop an extremely powerful tornado.”

“I would really prefer picking up the pace and avoiding it entirely, but a part of me suspects that’s a little too much to ask.”

“We’re gonna need a break soon as it is,” Watcher said. “We’re all in good shape, but that’s not saying much when it comes time to run a few kilometers while wearing armor and carrying supplies.”

“I’m really not sure I’m all that comfortable stopping for long out here,” I said. “We can if you guys need it, but I’d really prefer to avoid it.”

“I’m doing just fine, mommy!” Taya happily said.

“Of course you are,” I replied. “You’re my cute little cherry blossom, after all.” She giggled in glee.

“I’m not comfortable with it either,” Watcher said. “But if we keep going at this pace, we’ll be dropping like flies soon.” God dammit.

“I might have a solution,” Twilight said. “I’m not sure how useful it would be here, but we could draw a circle of protection.”

“Which is?”

“Semi-ritualistic magic,” Luna replied. “Like the body-swapping spell. It requires a complex figure to be drawn into the ground and then infused with magic. The figure then acts as a conduit for your magic, taking the shape of whatever rune you carved. In this case, it would act as a large shield. It protects against considerably more than this standard shield, but it’s also static.”

“What does that mean in this context?” Flo asked.

“That it can’t move,” Twilight said.

Luna nodded. “Once a symbol is activated, moving it shatters the spell. In the case of a one-off ritual like the body-swap, that isn’t an issue. When it comes to a shield, it’s considerably more problematic.”

“What if you put it on a cart?” I asked.

“Doesn’t work,” Twilight said. “Or rather, it will work, but it’ll break once you move the cart.”

“Will it work again when the cart stops?”

“Not a protection circle,” Luna said. “My sister and I tried several things to get mobile circles of protection on the battlefield.”

“Why didn’t you use one of those against the changelings in that fort?” Watcher asked.

“We did. Unfortunately, circles of protection have max sizes and they can’t overlap, so we couldn’t use them everywhere. They also stop at the dirt, so you can’t use them to stop underground attacks. Shields are more malleable.”

“How long would it take to draw and activate?” I asked.

“A couple of minutes,” Twilight said.

“Then I’m calling for a stop,” I said. Everyone started slowing down. “Draw the circle. We’ll rest for a few minutes, but I don’t want anybody losing their edge. Keep alert.”

Luna hoofed the ground a few times before shrugging her shoulders. “I would like to take this time to scout.”

“Stay within sight and be prepared to teleport back immediately.”

“I won’t be able to teleport within the circle of protection,” she said.

“Then you’re staying here,” I replied as I finally slid off her back. As soon as I was down, Kat reclaimed her spot on my arm.

“As you wish, Nav,” Luna quietly said. Instead, she walked over to Twilight, who was drawing in the dirt.

“Spike, make sure the princess gets some food in her,” I said.

“I’m not a hatchling,” PG sullenly replied.

“If the way these guys treat me is any indication for how nobles and princesses are usually treated, you’re lucky that’s all I’m asking him to do.”

Her eyes moved to Kat on my arm and the spot I just vacated on Luna. After a few seconds of thought, she sighed. “Fair enough.”

“That goes for you too, mommy!” Taya said, helpfully floating a cookie in front of me. I nommed it right out of the air because I’m honestly shameless.

“We’re both defs gonna need some real food soon, though,” I said. “Since, you know, we threw up breakfast when we got into the crater.”

“Over here, Nav,” OG called. She and Spike were laying out charcoal from one of Spike’s bags. “We packed enough provisions between the two of us to make some pretty decent stuff.”

“Why?” PG asked. “Carrying rations would be much easier.”

“I bet a fancy princess like you’s never had to eat travel fare before,” OG replied. “Me, I ain’t gonna go fightin’ ghosts after eating nothing but shitty rations. I don’t know what Sunny does to the provisions she gives us, but that stuff tastes awful as soon as the ship isn’t in sight anymore.”

“Real food is better,” Spike said. He finally laid out the last of coal they had and hit it with a burst of flame. “So we’re gonna cook some real quick.”

“And I’m going to join you,” I said. “I prefer a real fire to these heat spells, anyway.”

“It’s just meat, though,” Gilda said when Taya joined me.

“I don’t mind,” my daughter said. “I’m not hungry anyway!”

“So how’s it feel?” Spike asked. “Being part plant, that is.”

“It feels great!” she said. “I have so much energy during the day now. I did kinda fall asleep in the middle of something a few nights ago, though…”

“Yeah, that happens,” I said, tousling her mane. “We have a fairly strict bedtime during fall and winter, unfortunately. Otherwise, being extra flammable has been nothing but great.”

“Even though you basically starved yourself down to nothing?” Spike asked.

“Yes.”

“We’re working on that,” Taya said. “She’s finally filling out.”

“It makes certain things more entertaining,” Kat quietly said, one of her paws reaching down to grope me.

“How long is this going to take to cook?” I asked.

“Five to ten minutes,” Gilda said. “We just brought a few steaks.”

“Steaks? How did you keep them cold?”

“Crushed wendigo teeth,” Spike said. “They keep things fresh for ages.”

“Neat. I’m gonna make the rounds real quick and check on everyone, make sure we’re all doing good.”

“Why?” Spike asked. “We don’t exactly have much space to work with. Aqua may be a fat bully, but she’s not fat enough to give us enough room to really spread out. You could just look around.”

“We all hate Aqua, but let’s not go instigating things,” I said. “And the reason half of these people have followed me all across the world, to hell and back, is because I take time for the personal touch.”

“Can you word that in a way that doesn’t sound perverted?” OG asked.

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I just wanna see if you can. I know what you mean.”

“Then go fuck yourself. Kat, Taya, stay here. I won’t be long.”

“Do I gotta?” Taya sighed. Kat, knowing her place, sat down next to Spike.

“As Spike just pointed out, we don’t have much space to work with.” A quick look around proved that everyone was bunching up in small groups. Most groups were eating. A smaller number of them were setting small fires. “I slink a lot better than you do.”

“Get out of that habit,” Kat said. “You’re our lady. You shouldn’t slink about. That’s why you have me.”

“Yeah, yeah. See you guys in a few.” My first stop was Twilight and Luna, who were working together to draw something in the dirt. “How’s it going?”

“The shield will be up momentarily,” Luna said. “I heard them mention meat.”

“You really shouldn’t be eating much of that,” Twilight said. “We can’t digest it well. Honestly, I can’t see how you stand it at all.”

“It is an acquired taste for us prey,” she replied. “When you’re trapped underground for a month and your only options for sustenance are mushrooms and whatever creatures you can find, you will understand.”

“You couldn’t teleport out?” Twilight asked.

“It was a dog prison in China,” she said. “They build their maximum security prisons in magical gem mines. No teleporting in or out. No scrying in or out, either.”

“How the hell did you get arrested by dogs?” I asked.

“I didn’t. Celestia sent me to kill a prisoner they were holding. The maps we had were outdated and after a fight with a particularly fearsome underground predator, half the tunnels around me collapsed.”

“Why kill a prisoner?” Twilight asked.

“To stop him from talking.”

“Why not break him out?”

“Because he was only arrested after our first assassination attempt failed. Celestia sent me after that, because I do not fail.” She pressed her horn against the rune. It lit up with a flash and a dark green bubble covered us. “It is done.”

“Why green?” I asked. “Your magic is usually blue.”

“It’s the medium of our rune,” Twilight said. “Different substances give different colors. Dirt is nature-oriented, so the shield becomes green.”

“Huh. Neat. Get some rest while you can, girls. We still have a long trek ahead of us.”

“That’s the plan,” Twilight said. She looked up at the waters hovering above us. “The circle will block the smoke. You can relax for now.” They finally dropped their bubble shape and began mingling.

“That seems strange,” I said. “Why would it block smoke?”

“Because we drew it to,” Luna said. “I believe I will join the princess’s group. Those steaks are sizzling quite nicely…”

“Make them save one for me.” She bowed for a moment before walking off. “What are you gonna do?” I asked Twiggles.

“I am going to take more samples. You’re free to join me if you’d like!”

“Samples of what?”

“Everything. I’ve tried to get a piece of each tree we’ve run into, a few scoops of dirt every few dozen meters, and anything else I can find that seems unusual.”

“Well, I’m gonna keep making the rounds. Don’t go outside of the shield alone.”

“Of course. That would defeat the point. Please don’t let Taya eat any meat.”

“I don’t plan on it. Talk to you in a few, Twiggles.”

She (physically) pulled me down for a kiss. When she was done, she let me go with a big grin. “Yep! Now let’s see, what am I missing…?” She wandered off, looking around for anything else to loot. We’ll make an adventurer out of her yet.

“She’s not murder-happy enough,” Aqua said. “Or a hobo, for that matter.”

Not all adventurers are murderhobos. Just the best ones.

My next stop was Watcher’s little group, which was comprised of him, Zecora (who was sitting right up against him), Sentinel (who was sending quick, jealous glances toward Zecora when she thought nobody was looking), Brook, and Char. Zecora was actually using Char’s body to roast a stalk of corn, which I thought was kinda neat.

“Wanna join the circle, my lady?” Watcher asked.

“Just making the rounds, checking on everyone. What are your thoughts so far, Watcher?”

“I was fairly concerned when the fires started, but it looks like there was no reason to be. Between Twilight, Luna, and your daughter, you honestly might not need the rest of us.”

“Magic is stupid overpowered,” I said. “To be quite honest, if I were building an army, I would probably make my primary attacking force full of as many unicorns as I could, with pegasi to act as flankers and harriers and earth ponies to act as either a spear wall or for logistics.”

“...Spear wall?” Char asked. “That sounds interesting.”

“You ever hear of a phalanx?” I asked.

“I’m afraid not.”

“Guess you guys didn’t get too much human knowledge. A phalanx was an old-school army formation. It involved several rows of soldiers. Everyone in the front row would lock their shields together and lower their spears over the shields. The next few ranks would also lower their spears. Every time someone on the front line died or grew tired, the man behind him would take his place. The goal was to create a large, impenetrable wall of shields and spears.”

“I certainly wouldn’t want to charge it,” Watcher said. “We don’t really have enough troops here to pull anything like that off, though.”

“I’d only ever recommend a phalanx in a standoff, where it’s one army against another,” I said. “Of course, I’d also never recommend getting into such a standoff. Generally speaking, the goal of any military leader should be to avoid large-scale confrontation to begin with, since it’s easy to use magic to raze a huge amount of soldiers when they’re clumped together well enough. Better to use delaying and guerrilla tactics to knock their numbers down as quickly and often as possible, so you destroy their morale and unit cohesiveness. Obfuscating your own dead also helps.”

Sentinel actually giggled. “Poor Shining Armor never knew what hit him!”

“He moped about it for months, too,” Watcher said. “Most of the day guards did, but he was the worst.”

“Apparently he actually pissed himself when I tore his throat out with my teeth.”

“He sure did,” Watcher said. “Right in front of a good number of his troops, too. The screaming and crying didn’t do him any favors, either.”

“I didn’t know that part. Kinda makes me feel bad now. But only kinda.”

“Don’t!” Luna called from across the shield. “Fuck that stallion!” Even the ex-princess is appropriating my human naughty words, now. Nice.

“I sense a story there,” Char said. “Some manner of practice bout, I assume?”

“You assume correctly,” I said. “I’m gonna keep making rounds. Don’t get too comfortable. I want to get out of here soon.”

“You got it, ma’am,” Watcher said.

Most of the other groups were redshirts with no real importance. Once I was done pretending to be a good leader by talking to everyone, I rejoined my daughter and Kat by Spike’s fire. As soon as I sat down, a plate with a monster steak was thrust into my hands.

“No way in hell am I going to be able to eat all of this,” I said. “What animal did this even come from?”

“What am I, a bestiary?” OG asked. “I don’t know what the hell that thing was. It’s delicious, though.”

“How sure are you that it’s safe to eat?” She shrugged, then tore another bite off of hers. “Eh, I’m immune to disease and poison anyway. Fuck it.”

PG snorted softly. “A part of me is surprised that you know what a bestiary even is, Gilda.”

“A part of me is surprised you haven’t been smacked in the mouth more, Gilda,” OG replied.

I didn’t have a dog in that half-cat fight, so I started eating my steak. As OG said, it was pretty fucking dank.

“Can I try it?” Taya asked.

“Twilight said I couldn’t give you meat,” I replied.

“B-but… Twilight isn’t my mommy! You are!”

“That’s correct. She said I couldn’t give you any, but she didn’t say Luna or Kat couldn’t.”

“But I want some of yours!”

After taking a quick second to look for any easily disgruntled purple mares, I pulled out a knife, cut off a small slice, and tossed it at her. She caught it in her mouth and started chewing. “Nobody is allowed to tell Twilight,” I said.

“Or what?” PG asked.

“Or you can kiss your bellyrubs goodbye. And everything else, for that matter.”

“...Or what?” Spike asked. “I mean, you’re already beating me up all the time.”

“Only because you’re being a disrespectful asshole who refuses to accept your friend’s stated boundaries, no matter what you think said boundaries might actually be. If you’d stop being a selfish and holier-than-thou piece of shit who thinks he knows what’s best for me and at least pretended to care about what I want, I wouldn’t be beating you.”

“I… Huh.”

“To actually answer your question, I’ll make you spar against Luna.”

“You can’t make me spar,” Spike said.

“Fine. I’ll tell Luna to beat you up instead. Then when she gets bored, I’ll let Kat to take a turn.”

“There wouldn’t be much left,” Luna said.

“Then I’ll let Kat go first. Point is, anyone who tells Twiggles is going to regret it, even if they won’t have long to regret it. Anyway, how’s it taste?”

“Absolutely awful,” Taya said, gagging slightly. OG and PG both giggled at her suffering.

“And that is why cute little prey shouldn’t eat meat,” Spike said.

“What was that?” Luna asked with her mouth full of steak.

“You were Equestria’s sword,” I said. “You stopped being prey a long time ago.”

“Well, I am your sword now,” she smugly said.

“This is my sword,” I said, patting Excalibur. “You are my vassal.”

Kat giggled. “Our lady doesn’t like it when we refer to ourselves as her objects.”

“Hm. There were times my sister preferred it. I suppose it made her job easier.”

“Yeah, well, your sister is an evil cunt-canoe who’s going to get what’s coming to her,” I replied. “So don’t waste much time thinking about her.”

“That sounds ominous,” PG slowly said.

“Yeah, I bet,” I replied, just before taking another bite of the awesome steak.

“...So what are your plans involving Celestia?” she asked.

“A coup,” Luna happily replied. “We’re going to assassinate her as violently and painfully as possible.” The princess’s mouth dropped.

“So how about we don’t go around telling everybody under the sun what our plans are?” I asked.

“Why would she care?” Luna asked. “She’s a griffin. They hate me and Celestia more than any race except the dragons, these days. Moreover, she’s unwed griffin royalty. With Celestia dead and you in her place, you should consider marrying Princess Gilda. Tying Equestria to Gryphonia would increase your power and legitimacy as a ruler, as well as give you more permanent access to the Crystal Empire.”

“Access to the Crystal Empire won’t be a problem,” I said. “I literally will not take no as an answer. If they try to stop me, I’ll eradicate them.”

“You’re welcome to try,” OG said. “We’ll kick your ass all up and down the continent!”

“No you won’t,” Spike said. “Nav would probably have Gryphus conquered in an afternoon. She’d be halfway to the Crystal Empire before the first week was done.”

“There wouldn’t be any conquering going on,” I replied. “I would just have Luna and Taya completely raze city after city with magic until they surrender or there no longer was a Gryphonia. Without a high enough concentration of unicorns defending the cities, they would be rubble in hours.”

“More like minutes,” Luna said. “Especially after I get your daughter up to speed on some of the more potent, forbidden combat spells.”

“...You wouldn’t dare,” PG said.

“Yes I would. But it’s a moot point, because you won’t give me a reason to do it. And if you do, it’ll be a quick and easy show of power to the rest of the world about why defying me would be a poor life choice. But if you’d prefer, I can send assassins instead. Unlike whoever’s currently targeting you, I would only have to send one, and she would murder your entire family one by one until whoever ends up king or queen gives me what I want.” Kat giggled, though the two griffins didn’t look all that amused. “It’ll be a very quick show of gunboat diplomacy.”

“I haven’t heard that phrase,” Luna said.

“That’s probably because you guys don’t have guns. A hundred or two years before my time, there was one country called America and another island country called Japan. America had a lot of military power and technology. Japan had a lot of very expensive trade goods, but they were so isolationist that getting access to those goods was difficult. So America sent in boats armed to the teeth with guns that fired huge explosive shells into the Japanese coastal towns until Japan agreed to open their borders. Thus, gunboat diplomacy.”

“Sounds barbaric,” PG coldly said.

“Oh, absolutely. But barbarism is often the quickest and most effective route to get what you want,” I replied. “It leaves much to be desired, but it most definitely works. Like I said, though, it won’t matter since nobody will try to stop me from getting to the Crystal Empire.”

“That is correct,” PG said. “Your threats are unnecessary.”

“What threats?” I asked. “I was just stating facts.”

Her beak tightened for a moment before she relaxed. “I couldn’t help but notice that you glossed over your vassal’s mention of marriage.”

“The fat mare ain’t done singin’ yet. No reason to go planning too far ahead. Besides, it might well end up being unnecessary with a few of the other ideas I had.”

“Such as?” PG asked.

“There’s also no reason to go around spoiling things.” Especially not to people who probably won’t end up in my cabinet. “Anyway, I’d be somewhat hesitant to marry someone who will only have a fraction of my life.”

“Why?” Luna asked. “I’ve done it plenty of times. My sister used my hoof in marriage as a bargaining chip more than once. Sometimes I pretended to love them until they died and sometimes I didn’t even bother. It’s not like they were under any pretenses of our true intentions. It’s pure politics, and in terms of making friends with nearby nations, Gryphonia is probably your best bet given that Moonbeam and Cadance are already firmly in your camp. Though once Shining Armor and Princess Gilda die of old age, you should consider marrying Cadance. Getting a ring around a royal alicorn’s horn would do more for your legitimacy as a ruler in Equestria than marrying a royal griffin.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” I said. “I’d sooner marry Queen Moonie. She’s an ex-alicorn, after all.”

“And I may or may not have a fraction of your life span soon,” PG said. “Once I test the recipe your daughter is going to give me on a few animals, I plan to make my own potion of everlasting life.”

“It’s not a potion of everlasting life,” Taya said. “It’s a potion to turn you into a mad… something. I don’t remember what Athena called them. A tree sister, basically.”

“Madremonte,” Luna replied. “It is not a fate I would wish on any, truth be told. We only did it to Navarone because her other option at the time was death. Those who undergo that change become something… different over time. Thankfully, Nav will likely have enough time to enact the changes she desires in the world before she becomes completely apathetic to sapient animal life.”

“...I thought you and your sister didn’t know anything about what I would become,” I slowly said.

“We don’t know much,” she said. “I was friends with a madremonte once, but that was before my exile. I don’t know if she’s still alive or not.”

“Was she a mushroom lady?” I asked.

“No, she was a tree sister. Did you run into a mushroom sister?”

“I did. She was super weird. Am I going to end up looking something like that?”

“I don’t know. As I said, I only knew one and she wasn’t very forthcoming.”

“Hm…”

Taya happily sighed and leaned up against me. “Don’t worry, mommy! You’ll always have me!”

“Sure will,” I said, wrapping my arm around her. It made eating the steak slightly more difficult, but it was worth it.

By the time everyone had a chance to recuperate, the tornado was more than halfway to us and looked about half a kilometer wide. It was still probably a kilometer away and we could hear its horrifically loud roar as soon as the protective circle was dispelled.

“There’s no way I’ll be able to stop that thing alone,” Twilight said when we began moving again.

“Even I would be hard-pressed to do it alone,” Luna said. “Not and still be useful afterwards. It’s surprising how much power it takes to stop something of that magnitude.”

“Not very surprising to me,” I said from my unwanted spot on Luna’s back. “Stopping a half-kilometer wide force of nature that’s spinning at around four hundred kilometers an hour and throwing burning sticks so hard that they can go through sheer rock doesn’t sound any kind of easy to me.”

“Well when you put it like that…” Twilight muttered.

“You have quite the way with words, my lady,” Watcher said. “You know, sometimes. When you feel like it.”

“Who’s chattering now?” I asked.

“I follow your glorious example, ma’am,” he replied. “If you do it, it must be acceptable.”

“Damn right. Now you’re getting it! So what’s our plan for killing this tornado? It’ll probably start flinging debris at us pretty soon.”

“We could use a casting circle,” Twilight said. “We have eight unicorns here. Not quite a full complement, but it would be enough to make the circle worth it.”

“Define that for those of us who don’t know dick about magic,” I said.

“You know how unicorns can meld magic if they work together properly?” Twilight asked. I nodded. “Well, when unicorns don’t have much practice melding flows with each other, a lot of magical energy is wasted. The end result is still more powerful than each unicorn individually, but there’s a large amount of waste. The casting circle greatly reduces the waste, synergizing the unicorns more effectively.”

“So why didn’t we just draw one at the hole we knocked through the wall, then use it to teleport everybody down to the smaller dome?” I asked.

“Because we can’t teleport the elementals,” she replied. “I’ve tried and it doesn’t seem to work for some reason.”

“What’s the max number of unicorns per circle?” I asked.

“Eleven.”

“How long will it take to draw?”

“Each unicorn will have to draw his or her own part of the circle,” Luna said. “All in all, it should take less than five minutes.”

“Then start drawing,” I said. “We make our stand here.”

“One small problem,” Watcher said. “I think Sentinel and I are the only ones of us that know how to draw one. Even then, I’m the only one that’s ever actually done it.”

“I hope the rest of your troops are fast studies.” I slid off Luna’s back again and immediately had a catgirl draped around one of my arms. “If we don’t deal with that thing, it’ll pretty much eradicate us.”

“No, just the elementals,” Luna said. “We should have enough magical power to get the rest of us away.”

Hm, what a shame that would be. “Get to drawing.” All of the unicorns started congregating around Luna and Twilight and they began doing their thing. I walked over to Flo and asked, “So how’s that hacking coming?”

“It’s going well. Do you truly believe they will be able to destroy that thing?”

“Of course. Do you doubt them?”

She sighed and caressed my cheek. “I just worry for your safety, Nav. If they were to exhaust themselves, you would be trapped here.”

“Honestly? I really doubt it. I’m almost one hundred percent positive they would conserve enough energy to teleport just me away in a worst case scenario. Of course, I’d never forgive them for doing it, but it’s not like it would matter since they would all be dead.”

“...You would never forgive them for saving your life?” she asked.

“I will never abandon my daughter, my crew, my vassals, or my friends. If that means I die as well, so be it.”

Aqua snorted, since she was standing near Flo. “That’s foolish. You’re considerably more important than anyone else here. Why shouldn’t they make sure you survive? That’s their duty as your servants.”

Flo chose to ignore that and replied with, “You truly do exemplify nobility, Nav. In some ways, at least. Your loyalty to those you surround yourself with is remarkable.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great. So what do you and your sisters think we’ll find in the bunker?”

“Three of us believe we will find nothing but despair. Five believe we will find many ancient human artifacts, though they don’t believe any will still be operational. Two believe we’ll end up turning back before we find anything of value. One believes this whole trip is a fool’s errand. Brook and I believe we will find what you seek.”

“Not exactly much of a vote of confidence, but I’m glad you and Brook don’t think this is a waste of time.”

“Oh, you misunderstand,” she said. “None of us believe this is a waste of time. Even fool’s errands can provide some information or insight. If we should only discover that the bunker is empty of anything of value, at least we can finally put the matter to rest and spread the word so that no more lives are lost attempting to seek ancient treasure.”

“Nobody would believe us. They’d all think we were just trying to keep the loot for ourselves. If anything, I’d imagine it would increase the number of people trying it.”

“Hm, perhaps. I don’t know how any of us could believe there’s nothing of value in there. If Felix was able to gather artifacts that netted him a tidy profit, I’m confident that we will, if nothing else, find enough items to make you considerably richer.”

“Well, no offense to you, but…” I looked straight at Aqua for the next part, which made her turn blood red. “...I have serious doubts about the intelligence, sanity, and capability of some of your sisters.” That said, I turned my eyes back to the pink Flo, who was now smirking.

“No offense taken,” she sweetly replied. “I couldn’t possibly imagine which of us you mean by that, though!”

“Uh huh. So do we have any clue where Aerie is at the moment? I’m pretty sure she didn’t join us.”

“No clue at all, I’m afraid,” Flo replied. “We’ll probably need to talk to Pinkie to track her down.”

“Pass. Half the time I talk to her, I end up wanting to strangle her. The other half of the time, we end up fucking each others brains out.”

“I assumed that would be a roll of the dice you would be quick to make,” Aqua said with a smirk. “After all, it seems you only ever have sex or violence on the mind.”

“Do you mind?” I said. “I’m talking with my favorite elemental here. You were not invited to this conversation.”

“You seem to encourage discussion from your other associates. Why am I any different?”

“Because Nav doesn’t like you,” Flo said. “Duh. She actually likes me and the others!” Aqua angrily sniffed and finally slithered off to be somebody else’s problem. “I really shouldn’t help you antagonize her, but it’s honestly a lot more fun than it should be.”

“That’s probably because I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Probably. You do tend to corrupt everything, don’t you?”

“Yep. I blame it on my caustic personality and pessimistic outlook.”

She smiled. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the best host I’ve ever had.”

Oh, Flo… Why did I ever let your sisters turn me against you? “I’m sure you say that to all of them.”

“No, all of my hosts knew that their place was to live and die for me as their protector and goddess. Working with you has been a life-changing experience. Once, I thought water elementals should lead the mortal races. Now, I believe we should serve the mortal races.” Hear that, Aqua?

“Well, someone has to look out for them,” I said.

“...Them?” she slowly asked.

“The mortal races.”

She smirked. “I believe you forget that you are one of them, Nav…”

“I’m just a magical automaton. I’m as immortal as Discord himself.”

“Well, once you get your soul—”

“I’ll be half-tree, destined to become an immortal fey.”

Her smile disappeared. “Nav…”

“What? I’m not bemoaning my fate. It just means I need to get everything in order before I become incapable of caring. Then I’ll retire with my daughter.” Assuming Aqua lets me, of course.

“You seem… oddly at ease with it.”

“Well, it’s marginally better than dying and it’s a hell of a lot better than being attached to Discord forever. So, given my other options, I don’t see why I wouldn’t be at ease.”

Her head tilted. “Something has changed in you, Nav. You seem… different. Are you feeling well?”

Before Aqua could come up with a way to tell her to fuck off, Twilight started yelling at everybody. “Back away from the circle, please! Once we get started, any non-unicorn within a three meter radius will be vaporized instantly.” That definitely made everyone beat feet, hooves, paws, and talons away from them.

“There’s no way that shit is OSHA approved,” I said. “Who designed that circle?”

“Reality,” Luna said. “I’m afraid magic is as it is, Nav. What is OSHA?”

“Don’t worry about it. How long should this take?”

“Not very,” she replied. “With the extra influx of strength, I’ll go ahead and immolate the entire crater after the tornado is gone. With luck, it’ll melt the inner dome and destroy the fortifications around the bunker itself.”

“Whoa now,” I said. “Felix, is there anything in the fortress we might want to loot?”

“Compared to what’s in the bunker? No.”

“Okay, how about this time, you actually answer my question? Is there anything in the fortress we might want to loot?”

“...Yes.”

I looked back to Luna. “Don’t burn the mountain down just yet.”

“Got it. I’ll use toxic vapors instead.”

“How’s it gonna penetrate the inner dome?” I asked.

She pursed her lips for a moment. “Can we immolate just a little bit of the crater?”

“How selective can you get?”

“As selective as you want.”

“Burn everything but us and the ice dome to a crisp, including the very air itself if you can. The nanites are obviously in the weather as well, somehow. With luck, fire will cleanse them and make getting to the center easier. We’ll hold off on the toxic vapors for now.”

“As you wish,” she replied. “But we won’t be able to draw another circle for at least a week. And as soon as we move, the circle we’ve drawn will disappear entirely. So if you were hoping to wait until we got closer to draw another one…”

“Anything living in there is going to be fueled by nanites. They’ll be immune to toxins anyway. Most of us aren’t and I don’t want that shit seeping into the bunker. We’ll deal with the fortress when we get to it. Hell, it can’t be that big. The inner dome is only half a kilometer wide and according to Felix, most of that is empty space.”

“Then I shall show restraint,” she replied, bowing her head. “We begin at your command.”

“Do it.” A part of me really wishes I didn’t have to order you to save yourself from a giant tornado, but I guess that’s my lot.

Luna walked to the center of the circle, facing the tornado. The others surrounded her. She took a moment to exhale, closing her eyes and relaxing. “One.” Her horn lit up. “Two.” All the rest of their horns lit up. “Three.” The circle burned bright blue. “Four.” Luna slowly lifted off the ground, held up by magic. “Five.” Her eyes opened, glowing a cold blue. “Six.” The unicorns surrounding her lifted off the ground. “Seven.” All of their eyes began glowing blue as well. “Eight.”

The circle expanded three meters on all sides and then pulsed. My ears popped and everybody else flinched. Glowing runes began drifting between the unicorns. After several seconds of waiting, glowing gears began appearing around Luna. Each gear began interlocking with the others and started to turn. I heard eight slow chimes. The howling of the tornado stopped. My mouth dropped.

“Holy shit,” Flo whispered, eyes wide.

“Don’t see that every day,” Kat said.

“Shoulda brought a camera,” Spike said.

“Camera? We shoulda brought Dash! No way she’ll believe this!” OG said.

“...So can we discuss that marriage option again?” PG asked.

They… froze the tornado in time. All of the debris was hanging in the air, suspended in the time field.

“Cover your eyes,” Luna quietly said. “It’s going to get bright.” Everybody quickly did so, though I really kinda wanted to see what happened next.

After almost a minute, one of the waters patted my shoulder. “It’s over,” Flo whispered.

I looked up and around. The entire crater, minus the inner dome, was now coated in a thick layer of ash. Talk about your nuclear option. The unicorns were still floating, though the seven around Luna were beginning to descend. Once they were down, Luna fell back to the ground. When her hooves were in place, she closed her eyes again. The circle, magical gears, and runes all disappeared.

Luna snorted a cloud of blue smoke from her nose and opened her eyes again. “It is done.”

Scoria and Silence both collapsed. The water elementals shot to their sides. “Magical coma, probably,” Twilight said. “They’ll need to be teleported back to the ship.”

“Do you still have enough energy?” I asked.

“Easily,” Luna replied. “Alicorns do not tire so quickly.”

“You can suck your own dick later. Flo, are they okay?”

“They are alive, but unresponsive,” she said. “It is okay to move them.”

“Send them back to the ship,” I said. Luna and Twilight’s horns lit up and both unicorns teleported off. “Taya, lead the way.”

“Of course, mommy!” she said.

“Oh, and sweetie? Clear the ashes, too. Mommy doesn’t want to sully her boots.” She giggled and obeyed. My procession continued moving toward the icey inner dome.

The silence loomed heavily in the air. For now, the crater was finally still around us.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty

We got to the inner dome with no further issues. I wasn’t sure if that’s because all the nanites had been destroyed, the last of the dome’s energy had been used up on the tornado, or if we were just being lured in. Either way, it made things much easier, though we were all feeling pretty paranoid by the time we got to the ice.

“So how did you get in here?” PG asked Felix when some of my guards started poking the ice. “I can’t imagine a standard fire would do the trick.”

“I had a jar of dragon’s breath,” he replied.

“You can jar dragon’s breath?” Spike asked.

“It’s a potion,” Zecora said. “One that is typically used as a weapon. I brought a few similar potions with me, if we choose to go that route.”

“We have two guys who are literally made of fire,” I said. “How long are we going to be in the open once we go through?”

“About fifty meters,” Felix said. “There are dips in the land you could use to sneak through.”

“Or we can use the water elementals to become invisible,” I said.

“Won’t they notice the hole we make?” Twilight asked.

“The other option is to go in, guns blazing,” I said.

“But you’re the only one with a gun,” PG said.

“Figurative guns blazing. Once we clear the ones on the wall, approaching should be easy. I’m just worried that they might not be hostile and we kill them for no reason.”

“I don’t think anything here is friendly,” Felix said.

“I have a suggestion,” Luna said. “Once we blow a hole in the wall, we can teleport a vanguard onto the wall to determine if the defenders are hostile. If they are, the vanguard can clear them out and then the rest of the team can approach.”

“A wise plan,” Watcher said. “I suggest having one unicorn dedicated solely to teleporting in and out, in case the vanguard party begins getting overwhelmed. Twilight would likely be perfect for that.”

“Agreed,” I said. “I don’t want her killing.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because the last time you had to do it, you moped about it for weeks. And they were already dead!”

“...Fair enough,” she sighed. “I don’t really want to kill, either.”

“So who else is going?” Watcher asked.

“We need a look at the top of the wall to see what all we’re dealing with,” I said. “We’ll have to build our team based on what they have.”

“I have another suggestion,” Aqua said. “A few of my sisters and I could sneak up to the wall. If we coordinate our attack with the vanguard, we could more easily overwhelm the defenders.”

One of the griffins stepped forward, the guy I’m pretty sure was in command of their small group. “We could swoop in after the attack has started and the defenders are distracted, taking more of them out.”

“Those both sound good to me,” I said. “That’ll give us a three-pronged attack. I’ll be staying back and lending fire support with my rifle, so that’ll give us a little bit of range.”

“That’s surprising,” Watcher said.

“...Why?”

“I was assuming we would have to talk you out of being part of the vanguard.”

“Why would you talk me out of that?” I asked.

“Because it’s dangerous,” Kat replied.

“Certainly not a place for our lady,” Luna added.

“Says the ex-princess who’s been in more dangerous situations than pretty much anyone else alive,” I said.

“Perhaps. But nobody cared about me. You, however, are very well loved and would actually be missed.”

“That’s not true,” I said.

“Yes it is!” Taya immediately yelled, stomping a hoof on the ground.

“I meant the part about nobody caring about her. Reginald and that madremonte are two. I’m sure there were others. If I’m not allowed to pretend like I’m unloved, neither are you.”

“...We are wasting time,” Luna said. “Have we decided on the three-pronged attack with ranged support from those who remain behind?”

“That’s the preliminary plan,” I said. “Blaze, put a hole in the wall large enough for a few of us to peek through.”

“I am not yours to order around.”

“Are you really gonna be a fucking child about this?” I asked.

“It sets a bad precedent.”

“Of what?” I asked. “Following the simple request of the person in control of the force leading the fight against the enemy you were literally built to combat? Actually helping our group progress so we can get this over with? Maybe making things easy for once?”

“If I put the hole in the wall, will you stop whining?” he sighed.

“For now,” I replied, crossing my arms. “But please stop being such a complete asshole about things. All you’re doing is making people like you less.”

“I am not here to be liked,” he said as he placed his hands on the ice.

“People who are liked have a tendency to get watched out for more. No matter how tough you think you are, it’s always better to have people who willingly watch your back instead of people who just feel obligated to do so. And just because you aren’t here to be liked doesn’t mean being a piece of shit is your only option. You can be ominous and aloof all you want without coming across as an obnoxious douchenozzle. Just ask Silence, whenever he gets out of his coma.”

“If I asked him, would he reply?”

“He might,” I said. “I got him to say something to me once. He told me nobody would ever believe me, though.”

“He says that to everybody,” Watcher replied. “We just humor him.”

“I fucking knew it!”

Blaze snorted steam and finally broke through the ice. “You’re very—” A burst of magic from the other side threw him back into the dirt. Mist screamed and tried immediately darting toward him, but her sisters held her back.

“Clear the hole!” I shouted, making everybody jump back. Char rushed to his groaning brother’s side and dragged him out of the way. “Luna, shield!” Her horn lit up and a shield covered the hole. I pulled a helmet off the closest guard, put it on the end of my rifle, and placed it in front of the shield. Another burst of magic hit, but the shield held. “I take it this didn’t happen to you?” I asked Felix.

“Not at all,” he quickly replied. “This is definitely turning into more of an adventure than I thought!”

“Welcome to my life,” I sighed, handing the helmet back to the guard. “Keep that shield strong.” Luna nodded, her horn glowing brighter. After a few seconds, I took a deep breath and stepped in front of it. I just barely managed not to flinch when another burst of magic hit the shield.

The guards weren’t actually standing on top of a wall. Five unicorns stood on top of tall, thin towers several meters apart, taking turns shooting at the shield. As I watched, one of them shot an icicle at the shield. Thankfully, it shattered on impact.

Under their towers were ten floating, moving platforms. Each one had a diamond dog with a crossbow, all watching the hole like a hawk. Since the spells weren’t doing anything, one of them lifted his crossbow and shot straight toward me. I just barely dodged as the bolt slid right through. Before anybody could say anything, nine more followed it.

“This is going to be harder than we thought,” I said.

Luna’s eyes narrowed and the shield changed color. “It will block bolts now.”

Kat and I both peeked, this time. All ten of the diamond dogs shot at us again. Each bolt shattered on impact. Under the dogs was the actual wall, which didn’t have anyone on it. Several holes were built into the wall. Each had a ballista. One of them fired at the shield. The bolt shattered instantly.

There was a large line of naga and teenage dragon soldiers on the ground between us and the fortress itself. Each had some manner of brutal looking weapon. Several monsters prowled around the sides of the fortress, hunting for any manner of intruder.

“...In hindsight, I should have let you torch the fort,” I said.

Apparently Luna was tired of waiting her turn. She melted a much larger hole in the ice, covering it with a shield as she went. Once everybody could see what we were dealing with, she stopped. “Hm.”

“Gotta say, I’m not a fan of what they did with the place,” Felix said.

“So, sneak attack is out,” I said, crossing my arms. “I guess we take it by storm.”

“Charging that won’t be fun,” Watcher said.

“Figurative storm,” I said. “We have a Luna. We don’t actually have to charge.”

“I’m flattered by your confidence in me,” she said. “However…”

“Look closely,” Twilight said. “The front row has been buffed with magic resistance. It would be hard to make a dent on the naga, let alone the dragons. The holes in the wall also have a faint residue of magic, so hitting them would be hard. I can barely tell from here, but the towers the unicorns are standing on seem to have protective runes.”

“Zecora, what can you do for us?” I asked.

“I have another potion of heat for Spike, more potions of speed, three potions of enragement, several potions I could use to attack, a single potion of heroism, six potions of temperature resistance, and a few others that wouldn’t be useful at the moment.”

“And Luna, can you use the shadows to get yourself and a few others behind them?”

“I can,” she replied with a nod.

“Can you use magic to make the griffins and pegasi immune to bolts?”

“What are you thinking?” Watcher asked.

“A two pronged attack,” I said. Luna started scratching something in the dirt with a hoof. “I lead the frontal assault consisting of everyone ground bound and Spike, Luna leads the air assault consisting of the griffins and our pegasi. I take out all the naga, the dogs, and the monsters. She hits them from behind, taking out their unicorns and the dogs on the platforms. Once the unicorns are dead and we break through the main line, a force of water elementals led by Brook can scale the walls and silence the ballistae.”

“I’m not sure about those protective runes,” Luna said. “They could be bad news for us.”

“Even if all you do is keep them distracted, it’ll give us time to get closer. If you want, Taya could ride you and provide support.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Luna said. “I would not take her from her place at your side. I should be able to keep the others alive long enough for them to take the unicorns down. The dogs do not seem to be protected, so I can handle them quickly.”

“Felix, can you fight?” I asked.

“I am quite capable with knives, but all my weapons were taken from me.” I pulled out one of the naga daggers and held it up for him. He took the thing almost reverently. “Naga steel! From an old clan, too! This is quite the find, my lady.”

“It wasn’t a find,” I replied. “I earned it. And I’ll be taking it back when we’re done.”

“Of course. One does not steal naga weapons. That is just rude.”

“Blaze, how you feeling?” I asked.

He was finally back on his feet and glowing white hot. “Pissed off,” he growled.

“Good. Once Brook breaks off with her force and we finish off the main line, you lead the remaining elementals on the right side of the fortress, killing everything on the ground. I’ll lead the side moving left. We’ll meet on the far side.”

“It has been a very, very long time since I last fought alongside a water.”

“Try to keep up,” Aqua smugly replied.

“To be honest, I prefer fighting against them to with them.”

“Cry me a river,” I said. “Watcher, Taya, play rock, paper, scissors. Loser has to use the amulet.”

“I concede!” Taya immediately replied.

“Nuh uh. Play.”

She sighed in utter disappointment and both their horns lit up. After a second or two, she picked rock and Watcher picked paper. Taya turned to me, beaming. “Amulet please, mommy!”

“Wait until I say so to put it on,” I said, handing it over. She took it with a cute, sadistic little giggle. “Sentinel, your squad stays behind to protect the princess. We’ll wave you forward when it’s clear.”

“You sure, ma’am?” she asked. “Our extra muscle would be useful.”

“I’m not leaving her without guards,” I said. “Black Fate is our medic, so he’s definitely coming. That leaves you and Watcher.”

“And my place is at our lady’s side,” Watcher said. “So you will guard the princess.”

Sentinel bowed. “As you command, my lady.”

Watcher looked over at his troops. “Grey, you’re on me. Phantom, you’re with Black.”

“Twilight, focus on support,” I said. “You’re going to be our main shield.”

“Got it,” she said with a nod. “This might not be the time, but I’ve been wondering something. Where’s the light coming from in there? The ice is too thick to allow any through, but I can see clear as day.”

“That is a good question,” Luna said. She didn’t look up from whatever she was drawing, though. “Watcher, were you taught Sun’s Demise?”

“I was. You think it would work?”

“Once I finish this, we will cast it together.”

“What are you drawing?” I asked.

“A teleportation circle. There will likely be wounded and possibly dead. Once we stabilize them, we will send them to the Surgeon.”

“The who now?” I asked.

“A neutral doctor not many know of. He can stitch just about any pony injury back together, for the right price. We can use the dragons we kill as payment for his services. I’ve heard he does wonders.”

“Why would he want dead dragons?” Spike slowly asked.

“Because you’re worth a lot,” she offhandedly answered. “I could cut you up and sell all your parts for quite a nice bounty. Give those parts to a doctor and he could butcher you down and put every piece to use. A teenage dragon about your size would fetch an easy three thousand bits.”

Kat giggled. “Hear that, Spike? If you keep upsetting our lady, she might sell you off in pieces!”

“Nav would never do that!” Spike hastily said. “R-right, Nav?”

“Taya, did you ever read that demon summoning book?”

“Sure did, mommy!”

“N-nav?” Spike whispered.

“I wouldn’t cut you into pieces and sell you, Spike. That doesn’t mean I want you to keep being a fucking twat. Taya, can you summon anything?”

“Nope! I only glanced at it and didn’t really try to remember any of the signs.”

“It would be a bad idea anyway,” Luna said. “We would have to take at least an hour to draw it to have any reasonably powered demon.”

“Ariel drew the sign for Nestorats in a minute or two,” I said. “She wasn’t at full strength, but she did a number on me.”

“And only you,” she said. “If you take so little time to draw a sign, the demon will only follow a single command.”

“We can’t just order them to kill everything in there?” I asked.

“They would attack us as soon as we followed. If we let them go in alone, they would be killed over and over until their sign wore away.”

“Fucking useless demons. Then we do it without them.”

“So who gets which potion?” Zecora asked.

“What does the potion of heroism do?” I asked.

“Increases the imbiber’s strength and speed, makes them fearless, completely silences them, and wears off after one hour.”

“Can someone drink more than one potion?”

“Depends on the potion. Some are incompatible. Some work well together.”

“Hm. I really wish the naga was here. His huge, manly body would be comforting now.”

“What about my huge, dragonly body?” Spike asked.

“Give Spike the potion of heroism and the heat potion, if they’re compatible,” I said.

“They are,” she said, opening one of her bags.

“Kat, Felix, and I will take a speed potion. Divvy the temperature resistance potions out to all the melee fighters. We’ll hold off on the rage potion.” She started hoofing out bottles. “If anybody has any large-area buffs, now’s the time to use them.”

“Watcher and I have a debuff,” Luna said. “Sun’s Demise will take away all the light inside. It will hopefully make their unicorns and archers blind.”

“I can counter that for everyone who can’t see in the dark,” Twilight said. “I can do a mass dragoneye spell. Learned that one after Hawaii. I can also do a few weaker defensive buffs.”

“Save your strength,” I said. “I doubt a weak defensive spell will do much against a naga’s blade, especially if it’s coated in nanites. The goal is to not get hit in the first place.”

“I can cast an area Last Chance spell, then.”

“What does that do?”

“Any attack that would normally be fatal would instead cause you to be teleported a meter away. It basically gives you a single free hit.”

“Absolutely. So dragoneye and a free death. Anyone have anything else?”

“I do have a thought,” Watcher said. “You should stay with Sentinel, my lady.”

“Absolutely not.”

Kat wrapped a fuzzy arm around my shoulder. “Are you—”

I pushed her away. “I am going and that is final. I order all of my vassals to shut up about it. I also order all of my other hirelings to shut up about it. And if anybody else feels like discussing it, I’ll be happy to tell you to shut up as well.”

“Even your marefriend?” my daughter asked.

“My marefriend isn’t going to ask me to sit back and watch people risk their lives for me.”

“What about your daughter?” my marefriend asked.

“My daughter wants to fight at my side more than she wants me to sit back. My daughter also knows about my secret little ace in the hole that makes this fight a non-issue.”

“I sure do!” she sweetly said.

“...What secret?” Twilight slowly asked.

“It wouldn’t be a secret if I told everyone, now would it? You’ll all be privy to it in time, but now is not that time.”

“If it affects the coming fight, I believe we deserve to know,” Watcher said.

“Oh, it doesn’t,” I said. “Don’t worry about it. Kat also knows and can attest that it’s nothing you need to worry about.”

“...Right. That. I had forgotten. I concede the point, my lady,” she said. “I would be pleased to fight by your side!”

“Now I’m really confused,” Watcher sighed.

“Good. Now you people know how I feel all the time when you get all weird and mysterious.” He rolled his eyes. “So, are we ready?”

“I have a hesitant suggestion,” Brook said. “All of their soldiers have nanomachines in them. It’s possible that they mean to infect our group as well. We should preempt that by temporarily making you all hosts.”

“Over my dead body,” I said, crossing my arms. Aqua didn’t even have to make me say it.

“It was, as I said, a hesitant one,” she replied. “We will be happy to wipe the nanites out of any of you that get infected, but it will be too late to restore you to life and too late to restore your personality, should they decide on a complete wipe.”

“Anyone who wants is free to take her up on that,” I said. “I’m going to prioritize not getting hit.”

“I need no brain leech,” Luna said.

“I’m comfortable with just my magic,” Twilight said.

“Mommy is all I need to keep me safe!” Taya warmly said.

“I’m game,” Watcher said. “I’ve lived too long to end it here.”

“I’m perfectly content being alone in my head, thank you,” Felix said.

All of the griffins refused and most of the remaining guards did as well. All in all, it felt good knowing that most of us would literally prefer dying to being a host, even temporarily.

Aqua did not share my enthusiasm.

Once everyone was settled again, I asked, “So are we ready for the final buffs and the potions?”

“There will be no going back once we enter,” Luna said.

“I am going in there,” I said. “Alone, if I have to.”

“You won’t,” my daughter said, latching herself onto my leg. I placed a hand on her head.

“A few of us were wondering if it would be possible to skip it,” Brook said. “We know the bunker is directly underneath us. We could easily dig to it.”

“And leave these assholes behind us?” I asked. “The bunker is a constantly moving maze, according to Felix. We don’t want to have an entire army trapping us in those tunnels. We’d die like rats. And that’s assuming there aren’t also more guards inside.”

“I’ve never seen any inside,” Felix said. “The biggest obstacle is finding your way around.”

“The biggest obstacle for you, maybe,” I said. “But this place obviously didn’t register you as a threat. It seems to be focusing its attentions rather squarely on us. There’s no telling what we might find down there. I don’t want an army to be one of them.”

“Then I have no more suggestions,” Brook said, bowing her head.

“Twilight, use your buffs.” She took a deep breath and then her horn lit up. The dragoneye spell settled on everyone that couldn’t see in the dark. A moment later, her Last Chance spell hit all of us. For some reason, it made me feel lighter. “Luna, Watcher, your debuff?” The two of them stepped up to the edge of the dome and started doing whatever. “If you’ve got potions, now’s the time to drink ‘em.” I downed the speed and temperature resist potions. Both tasted like garbage. As the potions settled in, my eyesight dimmed and I realized I couldn’t see anywhere near as far.

“I would like those bottles back,” Zecora said. “Restocking them on the go can be difficult.” Twilight’s horn lit up and she collected all of them for Zecora, floating them to her bag.

By the time that was done, all the light in the dome had vanished. “We must move quickly,” Luna said.

“All flyers on Luna,” I said. “Get up to the top and take out their ranged units. Everyone else and Spike, on me. Taya, amulet.”

Luna’s horn lit up and the shield around the dome popped out. “Flyers, on me!” She galloped into the dome, keeping the shield ahead of her. Magic and arrows instantly started rebounding off. The rest of the flyers followed and soon enough, they all took to the skies.

As soon as they were out of the way, Twilight put up her own shield.

Blaze and Char led the charge. The waters were right behind them. As soon as the rest of us realized it was safe, we quickly caught up. Kat and I sprinted right through the elementals, blowing them out of the way. Taya teleported past to keep up. Spike jumped right over them.

As soon as my line of sight was clear, I lifted the rifle and Aqua took over. “You’re on your own when we get there, but let me show off a little first.” She shot five of the naga right through the face, dropping them instantly. Out loud, she called, “Spike, toss me!”

He wrapped both talons around me and heaved me into the air. My wings spread and caught the air. She lifted the rifle again and shot five of the dragons through the eye, sending them to the ground. With that, she slung it over my shoulder and drew the sword.

“Good luck down there, Navi,” she sweetly said.

Don’t get torched just yet, slut. I don’t want you getting even more clingy. And nice shots.

Aqua’s shooting evened the odds quite nicely. With about a third of them dead, our forces split off to combat them. Brook led five of her sisters straight through the hole in their lines, sliding toward the fortress and ignoring the huge bolts firing at them. The other waters began eating through any that tried stopping their sisters. The fires and Spike started running toward the largest group of dragons. Felix and the ponies went for the naga. There was a single large dragon still leading the naga, so I angled myself that way.

The dragon saw me coming and started spewing fire at me, but I flew right through it. Honestly, the heat felt pretty good. When I got close enough to him, I lifted my sword and sliced right through his neck as I continued flying past him. His body fell to the ground, completely bloodless. I hit the ground with a skid and immediately rejoined the fight.

One of the naga tried swinging at me, but Kat jabbed him straight through the skull with her rapier. She ripped it out and spun to put a bolt in another naga’s throat. He didn’t really seem too fazed by that, so I sliced off his head. Both pieces fell to the ground with thuds.

“GO FOR THEIR HEADS!” I called.

Something small pressed up against me and flooded me with warmth. “Extra strength and absorb life, mommy,” Taya said. “Go get ‘em!”

I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but I wasn’t gonna let her down. I zoomed over to another naga who was fighting a pony and ran right up his tail, then stabbed into his spine. I gasped as my body suddenly felt… great! The naga fell to the ground and Grey stomped his head in. Before he could say anything, I sprinted to Watcher’s side, who was facing off against three of the things.

My sword sliced right through one’s skull and I felt a huge burst of energy. The other two turned their attention to me. I jumped back and threw a knife into one’s skull. He recoiled, but didn’t go down. The other swung at me. I sidestepped and swung my sword up, slicing through his arms. His head was off before his hands hit the ground. Whatever absorb life was, it felt fucking amazing! By the time I could get to the last one, Watcher was sliding the first naga’s sword through its neck.

“They don’t like unicorns,” he said.

I looked around the field to realize that it didn’t seem to matter. The last of the naga were being wiped up and Blaze was already leading the elementals to attack the monsters on their side. Luna had most of the unicorns dead, but the last two had teleported down to the floating platforms and were keeping the dogs shielded. I sheathed my sword. “Watch my back.”

“Always, ma’am,” he replied.

I pulled up the rifle and reloaded it. Let’s see if they bothered protecting against bolts. I aimed up at the unicorns and fired three rounds. The one I shot faltered and fell off his platform. I took aim at the other and fired. The shot rebounded. “Only a matter of time,” I said, slinging the rifle. The last of the naga were dead and everyone was looking to me. “We clear the monsters on the left side. Keep an eye on the skies. There might be more ballistae up there.”

“I’ll keep the shield up no matter what,” Twilight said. “Lead the way!”

“Quick question,” Felix said, raising a paw. “I always ask first, but… would anyone object to me looting the bodies?”

“Those naga weapons are your trophies, Felix,” I said. “Though don’t worry about the gold. Every part of this crew will get their fair share of the payout when this is over.”

“...I didn’t realize I was part of that arrangement.” He pulled a handkerchief out and cleaned the knife I gave him. “Either way, I shall no longer be needing this. It seems I have earned my weapons.”

“I just hope you know better than to do anything stupid with them,” I replied, taking my knife and sheathing it. “Now get your loot. We need to move. I’m not letting those fucking elementals show us up!” Watcher floated me my throwing knife. I sheathed it and then started running toward the left side of the fortress. I couldn’t go at the potion’s full speed, because I had to keep pace with Twilight. Still, I ran right at the edge of her shield, keeping the rifle up in case I got a shot. Kat and Taya followed right by my sides.

The first group of monsters were truly horrific, mutated horror shows. They had eight spider legs, eight creepy eyes, a massive circular mouth with spinning teeth, several slimy tentacles under its body, and a back of hardened rock. After a moment of thought, I realized they were irlgaunts. I pumped rounds into the first one until my gun clicked, then slung it and pulled my sword back out.

“Think they’re magic resistant?” Taya asked.

“Try it.” Her horn lit up and lightning flashed out. They reacted instantly, ducking under their rocky shell. “Watcher, Black, lift ‘em up!” Their horns flashed and all four of the monsters shot into the air. I sliced off the tentacles of one and they threw it aside, where it squirmed around trying to right itself. I slid my sword in up to the hilt, making it stop squirming. Taya and Spike spewed flames up at two of them, burning them and making their shells hiss. Kat used Spike for a boost and impaled the last one right in the center of its tentacles. After a few seconds of twisting, she fell back to the ground, slinging her rapier out. That one fell to the ground with a thud.

The next batch of monsters were already hopping toward us. This was a group of five enormous glacier toads, each covered in huge icicles. Each hop made the ground shake. One of them stopped and opened its mouth. A blast of cold hit the shield, making it ice over.

“Amulet, now!” Twilight hissed. Taya yanked it off and tossed it over. Twilight grabbed it with magic and slid it around her neck. Her horn lit up blood red and all the ice on the shield melted. Her eyes started smoking dark green and black and the shield pulsed. She began charging forward. I kept well ahead of her. The other frogs started spewing more ice at us, but the shield blocked it all.

As soon as we got to the first one, it shot its tongue out to me. I sliced right through it and the beast recoiled. I slid under it and sliced its mostly unprotected underbelly open. Kat used his huge lips to vault on top of him. Between the two of us, that one fell. Taya teleported me out before I could get crushed and we moved to the next one. The other three were already dead, felled by Spike, Felix, and the ponies. Taya grabbed me and tossed me on top of the last one. I used my blade to grab purchase and started stabbing around the ice, digging the blade into what little flesh I could find. Soon enough, it also fell and I jumped down.

The final two beasts were as tall as the wall itself and probably about as thick. Their bodies were mostly snakelike, but they had a dragon head and small arms. I believe they were called linnorms. Their mouths opened and shot a storm of icicles dead at our shield. They all shattered, thankfully.

“That’s gonna be a problem,” I said.

“Easy,” Kat said. “Don’t get hit.” She giggled and sprinted out of the shield.

After a second of thought, I grinned. “Twilight, amulet!” She looked at me in shock, then tossed it my way. The green and black around her eyes faded away as I slid it on and jumped into the air.

With the amulet’s power flowing through me, I shot toward the beasts. Kat seemed to be going after the one on the left, so I took the one on the far side. It saw me coming and opened its mouth. I dropped down to dodge the icicles, then darted to the side. It tried to follow me, but between the potion and the amulet, I was too quick. He ran out of energy before I got halfway there and started slithering toward me. I swooped in low and he tried to bite me out of the air. When I slid past, he swung his tail. I managed to slice into it and took off the very tip. With that, I started flying straight up.

The monster seemed pissed at this point and shot more icicles at me. I changed angles before stopping entirely, making the icy death shoot past me. When it stopped, I flew toward him again. The bastard jumped toward me, spiraling his tail to keep on target. I waited until the last second and ducked right under his mouth, lifting my sword above me. I cut right down the beast’s neck, leaving a gaping wound a meter wide. Once I had done enough, I darted away from its tail.

The linnorm hit the ground and started thrashing. Taya used magic to saw through its neck and remove its head, finally killing it. Thankfully, Kat was just finishing up on her end. While she had hers distracted, Zecora hit it with a potion that… melted its top half. Honestly, the smell was pretty fucking bad.

“Can we take a minute?” Twilight asked, gasping for breath. I landed next to her and pulled the amulet off.

“Pull the shield back. Put this back on if it’ll help.”

“Not… not yet.” I slid the amulet into the pouch. She watched the pouch for a moment before shivering. “I just need to catch my breath. Maybe get some water…” I reached into her bag for her and grabbed a canteen. She started chugging it and I grabbed one of my own.

“The air battle seems to be over,” Watcher said.

We looked up and sure enough, Luna was leading the fight against some threat on the far side. “If she’s working over there, that means we’re clear,” I said. “Time for a breather, guys!”

Everyone seemed relieved at the news. Even better, I noticed that we hadn’t lost anyone. Watcher saw me grinning. “Proper preparation saves lives, Nav. You’ve built this team. I hope you’re proud of it.”

“Oh, I am,” I said. “Still kinda curious why you’re following me, but definitely proud.”

“Talk like that means you need a cookie!” my daughter said, shoving one in front of me. I grabbed it and nommed the fucker down. “That’s a good mommy!”

“What, no headpats?” I asked. She smiled and brushed my hair with magic. “Much better. So what do you think is inside this fort, Watcher?”

“My guess is more enemies. Probably several traps. From what I’ve seen out here, I don’t think there really is much worth looting in there.”

“We’ll scout it out, see what we find. If it’s too dangerous, we’ll call it. Otherwise, we’ll clear it out. I really don’t want them behind me.”

“Agreed. We should continue and regroup with the others, then plan our next move.”

“Let’s start moving again, people,” I said. “No hurry. Looks like we’re about done here.” Before we could actually start moving, the ground began shaking. “Scratch that. DOUBLE TIME, MOVE IT!” We all started running to the group of elementals, who were just turning the corner. Before we could get there, the ground between us erupted and a horde of giant ants started crawling out. More of them appeared in holes around both of our groups. We skidded to a halt.

“Circle up!” Watcher called. We all got in a circle around the shield as the ants began swarming us.

I pulled the amulet back out and handed it to Taya. “Time for scorched earth, honey.”

She took it and started giggling as she slid it on. Right as the ants began biting at our shield, her horn lit up pure black and hellfire poured out. Black flames shot out all around us, slagging the ants and leaving them covered in burning tar. Their carapaces shrieked as each one popped open. The smell was not the best.

“Alright, so you’re gonna talk to me the next time you wanna use that spell.”

“Why’s that, mommy?” she sweetly asked, horn still lit up black.

“Because it stinks. No one wants to smell that.”

“I think any fire would stink,” Watcher said. “The smell of burning giant ant is honestly pretty bad.”

“Fair enough. Let’s keep moving, people!” The ants all around us were dying in droves as the fire started doing real damage, so it was easy for us to cut our way through the few remaining ones. Once we got on top of their shitty mounds, we saw that the elementals were much slower in their slaughter, but no less efficient. We continued forward, burning more and more of the ants as we went until we finally cleared the edge of Luna’s shield around them. Our small shield vanished and a hole in hers appeared. We charged through.

“Allow us to finish this,” Flo said. “You all seem exhausted.”

“Never been better, actually,” I said. “I’m going to enjoy that absorb life spell!”

“I knew you’d like it!” Taya said, bumping up against me.

“That said, Twilight is starting to wig out a little. We’re going to need a long break before we go in there.”

“Understood,” she said. “We would be happy to guard your rest.”

“We’ll talk about that once everything is secure,” I said. “Let’s deal with these ants and find a way in.”

“We already have a way in. We passed a gate on the way around. Brook’s team is working on opening it now.”

“Then that’s where we go. Circle up! Elementals on the outside, living on the inside! Catch your breath, people!”

“Do we still need the shield?” Luna asked.

“The ballistae are silent and the unicorns and dogs are dead. Drop it for now, but be prepared to raise it again instantly.” The shield around us finally died down. The few remaining ants surged in and got wrecked by the elementals. “So how’s hacking them coming along?” I asked.

“We hope to have much more success tonight,” Flo replied. “If we do end up taking a break, it’ll give us enough time to truly pore into it. At the moment, our attentions are divided.”

“And you haven’t already cracked it and are just waiting for us to get desperate enough so you guys seem like big heros when you finally turn all the enemies off, right?”

“...Right.”

“Good. So how was the fight here on your end?”

“Surprisingly simple. We managed to keep the two fires alive long enough to kill just about everything for us. They are wonderfully lethal. A part of me understands what Mist sees in them.”

“Hopefully it’s just a small part of you.”

“Don’t worry, Navi,” she replied, booping me on the nose. “You’ll always be my favorite. Besides, such a love would seem painful. How was the fight on your side?”

“Fun. It’s been a while since I got to really do some damage.”

“Oh? I heard you had quite a showing at the festival, winning the right to a date with Princess Gilda.”

“Yeah, but I only got to beat some people up. I didn’t get to completely wreck them. To be honest, I don’t even know how many kills I got. It’s all an exciting blur.”

“...Exciting,” she sighed. “There was a time you would detest the thought of battle.”

“And there was a time I’d detest the thought of fucking a horse, but here we are.”

“Indeed, I suppose. You have changed greatly since your arrival.”

“I didn’t arrive, I was created.”

“...You seem to enjoy bringing that up,” Flo quietly said.

“Trust me when I say that I absolutely don’t enjoy it. That doesn’t change it, though. I just like reminding people sometimes.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes them feel super awkward and I thrive off that.” Luna floated me over to her back without a word. “What, is this my time-out?”

“Is that not what is done with fillies who act out for attention?” she asked.

“Spankings are also an option,” I said.

“Don’t tempt me,” Twiggles said. “I’d make you scream and beg in front of all your followers.”

“That… actually sounds kinda hot,” I quietly said.

After a few seconds, a small blush covered Twilight’s face. “It does, doesn’t it…? Buck, now I actually wanna do it!”

“I ask you to control your carnal urges for now,” Luna said. “There will be plenty of time for you to sexually humiliate our lady later, when we are not in danger.”

“The danger just makes it better, honestly,” I said. “Tie me up, make me weak and helpless, then protect me from the baddies and claim your reward after the fact…”

“Stop making this sound sexy!” Twilight loudly whispered, slapping a hoof in the dirt. “You have problems!”

“I have problems? I’m not the only one getting wet!”

“You both have problems,” Watcher said. “And you both need to stop talking.” I stopped talking. Instead, I pulled my rifle out and finally reloaded it.

“So how did you fare in battle?” Luna asked after a few seconds of silence.

“I think I fared pretty well. I managed to not get hit while doing plenty of hitting.”

“That is a hallmark of any successful battle,” she replied with a nod. “I am proud of how you have grown, Nav.”

“I fought against it a lot, but I’m honestly glad I finally gave in. Being a warrior is fucking awesome. Killing shit is great. I gotta say, there really is no better rush than slaughtering a field of enemies.”

“Oh, to be a true predator…” Luna sighed. “I’ve oft wondered how it must feel to naturally enjoy the spilling of blood, the rending of flesh and bone… I grew into it in time, but oh how I loathed it at first…”

“I gotta say, it feels pretty fucking great,” I said. “You should consider turning into one. Twilight figured out how to make people dragons. You already know how to become a human.”

“Changelings are also easy,” Twilight said. “I can also do a cat and a griffin.”

“Housecat, not Kat cat.”

“I can do both! When are you gonna stop holding that over me?”

“When Fluttershy stops giggling at me!” She rolled her eyes.

“I prefer my own skin,” Luna said.

“I preferred my own skin, too,” I said. “But alas…”

“Can you please stop injecting random hints of sadness and self-hate in an otherwise fun and engaging conversation?” Twilight asked. “It’s really annoying sometimes.”

“But if I don’t do that, you might as well talk to somebody else. I mean, what else have I got?”

“An overall friendly demeanor and personality, an extremely fair and just mentality, a very self-sacrificing friend, and someone who will do anything for those she cares about,” Twilight said.

“You know she just says stuff like that for compliments, right?” Taya asked.

“I know,” Twilight replied. “I just never miss a chance to compliment my woman-friend.”

“What about all those times you’ve insulted me?” I asked.

“Well, those weren’t chances to compliment you,” she said. “You’re also pretty bullheaded at times, you can certainly be mean-spirited, and you take things too literally just to be petty.”

“I never steal things!” I said, trying to act hurt.

“Maybe I should spank you in front of your troops…”

“They’re loyal,” I said. “They would stop you.”

“No we wouldn’t,” Grey Boulder immediately replied.

“We’d just sit and watch,” Shadow added.

“...I need better guards.”

“They just know you’d enjoy it too much,” Watcher said. “They wouldn’t want to take that from you.”

“...I’m proud of some aspects of what you’ve become,” Luna said. “I had not realized your tastes had become so outlandish or so well-known.”

“Yeah, well, I guess that’s what happens when all agency is taken a bunch of times.”

Her ears drooped. “That was not meant as an insult. I apologize if it was taken that way. You are, of course, at liberty to amuse yourself however you desire.”

“She’s saying random sad things again,” Twilight said. “We really should come up with some kind of punishment for this. Something she wouldn’t actually enjoy.”

“Pretty party?” Kat asked. “She seems to hate those the most.”

“Why do you have to punish me for being me?” I asked. “Can’t you just accept me for who I am without forcing me to be some horrific ponified version of me with threats and cajoling?”

“Ooooh!” Gilda shouted. “Get called out!”

“I gotta give that one to her,” Spike said. “On point, Navi!” Has it already been an hour? How time flies when you’re killing, I suppose.

“Don’t come ‘round here like yo shit don’t stank,” I said. “You’re just as bad, with your forced hugging bullshit. If you have something to say, you can either say it or back off. Your passive aggressive garbage is only wasting my time and pissing me off.”

“Ouch,” Gilda hissed. “She nailed you to the ground!”

“Why can’t you all just love mommy for who she is?” my sweet little angel asked.

“See there?” I said. “My filly has the right idea. She loves me for who I am, self-deprecation and all!”

“...Well, it does get old sometimes.”

“Taya, you were adopted.”

“That just means you actually chose me!” she happily replied, hugging my leg for a moment.

“And I would make the same choice in a heartbeat,” I said, petting her mane. “Now, we’ve all had a chance to catch our breath. Twilight, once the gate is clear, I want you to lead a force back to where we entered. Take a few waters with you. Grab Gilda and Sentinel, then start policing the bodies. Make sure none of them have any nanomachines left in them. Then build a pyre. I don’t care about the monsters, but I’m not letting those naga rot. We can harvest the dragons for ingredients.”

“What?!” Spike shouted. “Why are you burning the naga but desecrating the dragons? You don’t even need money!”

“Zecora, how many of those ingredients can be used to help us?”

“Most of them.”

“How many of those ingredients can be used in healing or otherwise beneficial potions?”

“The rest of them.”

“How many body parts of naga are useful in potions?”

“Only the heart, and that’s only if it’s still beating when you use it.”

“Show of hands,” I called. “Who here doesn't care about desecrating bodies if it means helping people, especially ourselves?” Just over half the people with pulses lifted appendages. After a few seconds, Spike sighed and lifted a talon. “Any more questions?”

“Then why burn the naga bodies at all?” he asked. “Why bother with the effort?”

“Because that is what they would do for us. As a side note for anybody who isn’t in the know, killing a naga and claiming their weapon is one of the only ways for an outsider to be welcomed into a naga’s clanhome. Those of you who claimed kills are welcome to keep the weapons. They’re also worth quite a pretty penny, if you don’t care about the symbolic representation.”

“An invitation is a powerful thing,” Felix said. “Some treasures should not be sold.”

“Even if the naga smell funny,” Taya said.

“That’s just what happens when you live underground,” I said. “The changeling hives are the same way. It’s just the must of hundreds or thousands of creatures living in a place without much, if any, surface access.”

“Way to make it sound appealing,” Gilda said. “Now I’m kinda glad I didn’t get to kill one of them.”

“Yeah, yeah. Back to the orders. When the gate is clear, we need to organize air patrols with the griffins and the pegasi. They need to keep an eye in the sky and alert us if anything changes. If something tries coming out of the hole, we need to know.”

“What about me?” Spike asked. “They could use a heavy-hitter up there. With Luna going inside, they won’t have anyone resistant to magic. Between you, Taya, Luna, and the elementals, I don’t think you’ll need me that much.”

“Fair enough. You stay outside, then. But I want you back to keeping an eye on the princess. Stay with her, but get in the air if anything happens.”

“Do I really gotta hang out with her the whole trip?” he sighed.

“Watch yourself, dragon,” the leader of the griffin team said.

“Look, I’m just saying,” he said. “I know you guys think it too! She’s really abrasive!”

“Our opinions do not matter,” the guy replied, literally confirming said opinion. “Our duty is to defend her honor!”

“Spike, shut up,” I said. “Life is just full of one bullshit task after another. Put up with this for now and you’ll be back to annoying me on purpose in no time.” He sighed, but finally shut up. “Watcher, I want ground patrols as well. I don’t want to get swarmed from behind by ants or any kind of monster from the outside.”

“Got it. That’ll be a lot of territory to cover, but we’ll coordinate with the flying patrols. That’ll leave you with a smaller group going inside.”

“We’re going to need to move quickly and lethally,” I said. “No offense to you guys, but I think you’ll be more useful covering our backs. We’re going to be better against whatever’s in there.”

“Of course. I’ll leave the elemental I have in me for now. I can communicate with your group through her.”

“Who’s in you?” I asked.

His eyes lit up blue. “Brook,” she said. “I thought it appropriate to take on your second as a host. It allows me to communicate with you more effectively. We stand ready in the gatehouse. There are no guards that we can see. The gate will open at your command.”

“Excellent. Be careful with Watcher. He’s one more speech about retirement away from a cliched last minute death.”

She giggled and replied, “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. I’ll fill him up so much and please him so well that he’ll miss me when I’m gone. Maybe he’ll even ask me back!”

Flo groaned. “Sister, control yourself!”

“Why, what ever do you mean, young one?” Brook asked. “I merely seek to provide my host with the time of his life. I just know he’ll enjoy me owning him in such a manner!”

“Am I the only normal one left?” Flo quietly whispered, turning dark blue.

“You know what they say about that, right?” I asked. “If everyone else around you isn’t noticing something, that makes you the crazy one. Really Flo, why do you always act out and interrupt?”

“That’s rude,” Ice said. “We must accept Flo for who she is, strange outbursts and all. With luck, our love will fill up the hole deep inside of her so that she may once more be complete.”

“...You’re right,” Flo sighed. “This must truly be what going insane is like…”

“You know, sometimes these things are fun to be around,” Nightshade said. Several of the other guards started giggling.

Watcher finally shook his head a few times and then blinked, his eyes going back to normal. “You ever get used to that?”

“It’s not as bad if they ask first,” I said. “It always sucks when they do it without asking. And don’t even get me started on what they can do to your personality.”

“Not that any of us would do such a thing,” Aqua immediately replied out loud.

“Of course not,” Mist quickly added.

“So quick to defend themselves,” Blaze coldly said.

“We all know they are capable of it,” Char said. “And some of us have witnessed it.”

“And one of us has experienced it,” Blaze growled, glaring at Mist.

She giggled and turned bright pink. “You’ll learn to love me back eventually, my toasty love!”

“...And sometimes they’re scary to be around,” Nightshade quietly added. Most of the guards actually grouped tighter together. I honestly didn’t blame them.

“Man, what is wrong with you elementals?” I asked. “Like, get over yourselves already. Jesus.”

“Those are… harsh words,” Brook said.

“And laughable, coming from you,” Aqua said.

“I have a theory, actually,” Twilight said. “It’s not complete and a lot of it is extrapolation, but I think it’s fairly sound.”

“A theory on what, exactly?” I asked.

“On what’s wrong with them,” she said. “I hate to say it, but it’s obvious. There is something very seriously wrong with their programming and I have a hunch as to what it is.”

“That is a serious accusation,” Brook said.

“A serious accusation with merit,” Twilight said. “Allow me to explain, then. Humans designed the elementals. As Nav is happy to tell you, humans are not perfect. And from what I understand, the conditions under which they built you were… not ideal. I theorize that for one, you were never meant to last forever. You were only there to guide civilizations as human-like deities in the early days, to create faith in the early species. This faith, which is what we now know of as friendship, would go on to foster magic. Humans were attempting to build and design a civilization based on their own prehistoric times. They knew that Nav was eventually going to end up forward in time and that he was preparing the way for them, so they wanted to build something that would be akin to what they knew. That way, they would actually have some idea of what they were getting into and had some amount of control over it. When the elementals started malfunctioning, Discord gained enough power to begin acting in the world again. Eventually, he used their own malfunctions against them, turning them to war with each other.”

“That… raises some questions,” Flo slowly said. The rest of the elementals also suddenly seemed quite interested.

“Me first,” I quickly said. “You said they malfunctioned. Do you have a thought on what the malfunction was?”

“Yes,” she said. “Well, a few. First, I believe the main water malfunction was forming stronger than normal attachments. From my understanding, it definitely happened with Brook and Aqua. This obviously made both glitch. Something Nav said seemed to trigger something in Brook that recalled her original programming, or at least a variant of it. Aqua is definitely still not a normal water. There’s obviously something wrong with her programming.”

“If you have any proof, I would love to hear it,” Aqua said.

I never wanted to say something more in my life. Oh, it’s only a matter of time for you. You’re just a corrupted little machine.

“A corrupted little machine holding your leash. How’s it feel, Nav? To be a… bitch?”

I honestly didn’t have a reply for that.

“I’m sure something similar happened with other waters,” Twilight continued. “Especially the ones who remained free. Mist has also obviously malfunctioned, given her horrifying and insane infatuation with Blaze.” Mist blew a bubble at her. “Naiad seems calmer, but uncannily so at times.” Naiad crossed her arms behind her back. “Ice is child-like, as if he never had a host before. As it is with most species, those who are not given a chance to develop at young ages suffer later in life.” The poor kid actually pouted. “If I had to guess, I’d say that Rain and Raine were a malfunction from the start, a pair of twin sisters from where there should have been only one.”

“...That would be a wonderful guess,” Rain said.

“An uncomfortably wonderful guess,” Raine quietly added.

“It wasn’t quite a guess. I’ve been doing my research and drawing parallels,” Twilight said. “After Nav finally told me about religion, I realized it corresponded almost perfectly with our mythology. I started reading through every one of the books of religion Nav published. Most of it was garbage, but I found evidence of true magic from powerful beings. If you dig through the moralistic nonsense, you find proof of the beings that once fought Discord. You find the methods they used, the methods that caused them to wane in power. All of the beings that opposed Discord failed because they had some vice or another. Pride, wrath, lust, gluttony, sloth, envy, greed. These are the weaknesses that cast down his enemies. Those who extolled these virtues lasted the longest. So I got to thinking about what could have made them fail, too. And I realized that it was little malfunctions along the way. Forgetting the meaning of something and worshipping only what is convenient. Little things at a time. Then I looked at the elementals and realized there was something wrong. Then I looked at Princess Celestia and realized what she had done.”

“Now you see it,” I said with a grin. “Now you saw what I did from the start!”

“I do, Nav. It’s horrible. It’s… tremendously and monumentally horrible. When I came to these conclusions, I finally understood why you were so afraid of them.”

“...I don’t get it,” Watcher said. “What did Celestia do?”

“She turned herself into a god,” I said. “And she turned her little sister into Satan.”

“A title I bear with dignity, I hope,” Luna solemnly said.

“Oh, and I’m not kidding when I say that,” I replied. “In Christian mythology, Lucifer was God’s most trusted angel, his second in command. Eventually Lucifer decided to give knowledge to the humans, which God had forbidden. This resulted in a civil war. Lucifer lost and was cast into hell. His title became Satan, lord of the underworld, the place where sinners are cast down to suffer eternally. So first she rebranded you as Nightmare Moon, then she banished you to the moon. Less than a decade after you get back, she banishes you to pony hell, the place where demons punish the local wildlife and anyone unlucky enough to get banished there relentlessly.” That’s probably not all completely accurate, but it’s not like they know any better.

“...Oh. I suppose that is an apt metaphor. Satan is an interesting name.”

“Human mythology is… fascinating,” Twilight said. “I realized the parallel in our culture after a few of their books. Then I read through a few of the history books she has lying around and noticed all the similar names. Something astounding happened with our culture, as if it was almost designed to mimic humanity’s. We all match mythological beings in their time, several of our cultures are similar to theirs and have similar city names, and it seems that we’re just as flawed if not moreso than they are. I hate to say it, but we have all of their flaws mixed with raw animal hormones. At times, we become closer to animals than reasoning beings.” She let a somber silence go on for a few seconds before sniffing. “And all that time I thought Nav was just being difficult, but the human names for things really are almost the same!”

“Do you really think we’d name all our shit after horses?” I asked. “I mean, the Mongolians might, but those guys got weird with their mares.”

“So what about fires?” Char suddenly asked. “Where did we malfunction?”

“I don’t know yet,” Twilight said. “I’ve only met two of you. That isn’t a large enough sample size for me to guess. I’d love to talk to you both more later, though. I’m not sure if diagnosing the issue would help you repair the problem, but it seemed to do wonders for Brook.”

“And me?” Flo quietly asked.

“You were a secluded elemental,” Twilight said. “Your hosts were simple people. You did not fight for long. Then you were sealed away, left secluded for ages. Finally, you were given a ray of hope. A ray that you lied to from the start.”

“Don’t you dare,” Flo said, turning bright red.

“Nav told me how you changed, Flo,” she said. “You’re a very different elemental from when you met him.”

“We are capable of change, Twilight Sparkle. Perhaps we do not malfunction. Perhaps we are traumatized! Do you know how difficult it is to watch the ones we love get hurt? I have seen Nav go through things you cannot even imagine! If you think he has been honest with you about what happened in the bunker, you are sadly mistaken. If you think you know a fraction of his tribulations, you are out of your mind. We are lucky there is a shred of sanity left in him. Do not even get me started. I want to hold that boy every time I look at him!”

Oh, to be in control of my own tear ducts… Though I suppose it’s better I not cry in front of my troops.

“You can cry all you want in private,” Aqua said in my head. “Honestly, the tears are starting to make it better. I really didn’t want to make you suffer at first, but it’s kinda starting to grow on me. I was originally planning on overwriting you all at once at the end of this mess, but I think I’ll do it slowly now. It’ll be more believable anyway.”

“...He?” Twilight asked.

“...I misspoke,” she quietly said. “And I also spoke out of line. We are not simple machines, Twilight. Our personalities are very real.”

“Either way, the point is the same. Your trauma gave you flaws. Discord used those flaws to tear away at you. You have all fallen from what you once were in some way or another. I imagine that is why he doesn’t fear you. In all honesty, that might be why he’s hiding the elements of harmony along the path to freeing you. Maybe he wants you out so you can go back to causing chaos in the world with your ‘traumatized’ personalities.”

“Yet another hefty accusation,” Aqua coldly said.

“Just idle speculation,” she replied with a shrug. “But he did seem awfully quick to make sure you survived what happened with Trixie. I bet he’s laughing himself to sleep at night thinking about all the old gods with old wounds that are all waking up at once.”

“Alright, so I see I need to have a talk with several people,” I sighed. “About things that are appropriate to say in front of certain people.”

“Again, laughable coming from you,” Aqua said.

“I wasn’t the one who just implied that Discord was planning on using your people to enact the genocide for him on this cycle.”

“...Is that what she meant?” Flo slowly asked.

“You can draw your own conclusions,” Twilight said. “I am merely offering my personal thoughts.”

“That we are bringing chaos into the world?” Rain asked.

“Look at Char,” Twilight said. “He controlled Pyrite, which almost led to a war between ponies and dragons. He also sent several dragons to their deaths in Tartarus. I’m sure that led to a lot of other pretty bad things.”

“Worst of all, it led to Momma Tintaglia,” I said with a shudder.

“Talk about your traumatizing events,” Char said. “You’re lucky you escaped that one.”

“You know what, let’s stop playing ‘Poke Nav’s Mental Bleeding Scabs’,” I said. “We’ll talk about this later. We’re finally approaching the gate anyway.”

“We will definitely talk about this later,” Aqua said. “There is no way we could be bad for this world! It’s horrifically broken! We are here to fix it!”

“You’re one to talk,” Ice said.

“Is that right, child?” she asked with a smirk.

“I said later!” I fiercely said. “Luna, get the shield back up. Everybody spread out. Twilight, support. Taya, attack. Elementals up front. All flyers, be prepared to get airborne. If anything comes out of there, be prepared to attack on sight.”

Everyone started doing as I ordered, getting themselves in order. Blaze and Char stood at the center, flanked by all the sisters. The pony squads formed up behind them. All the griffins and pegasi got in formation behind me and Luna. Twilight, Kat, and Taya stood at my side.

When everyone was in place, I called out, “Open the gates!”

I lifted my rifle up and cut the zoom as far back as possible, then balanced it on the top of Luna’s helmet. She didn’t seem to mind. Everyone else fell into some manner of attack stance as the gate slowly began creaking open.

Something oozed out. It was some kind of platinum liquid. More of it began flooding through the gate as it continued. “Brook, stop! Close the gates!” I shouted. The doors ground to a halt and then started reversing. “Hit it with fire!”

I tried shooting at it, but the bolts just dissolved into it. As soon as the unicorns began blasting it, the liquid reacted and began shooting out of the door. After a moment, the doors cracked and tore apart, allowing a gigantic wad of nanomachines to escape.

“Flyers up, distract it!” I shouted. “Whittle it down!”

I wasn’t expecting to immediately shoot into the air. Luna steadied me with magic before I could fall off. “Gird yourself, Nav!” she called.

“I need to be down there,” I said, putting a hand on her back to push myself off.

“Let your vassals do what they do best,” she said. “At the moment, this is a fight for survival, not a tactical struggle. For now, you are staying with me.”

That kinda pissed me off, but she was very unfortunately right. I slung my rifle and held on. “We need to find a way to hurt that thing,” I said. “Can your shield block it?”

“One way to find out,” she called, banking toward it. The thing was being distracted by the elementals, thankfully. The waters had combined into a group that was considerably smaller and were attempting to slice into the mass. Every time it moved to engulf them, they sliced off more of the machines, which melted into the ground and were then reclaimed by the mass. The fires were dueling smaller portions of it, cutting off all the tendrils that tried to overtake them. The unicorns were throwing whatever they could at it.

As soon as we got close, the nanomachines sent an exploratory tendril out to us. Luna’s horn lit up and a shield formed in front of it. The machines slipped off to move around the shield. Her horn lit up brighter and the shield surrounded us.

The entire mass shifted its attention toward us. Before it could reach us, Luna started flying back. It tried to grab us, but the shield blocked it. We got higher and higher, yet the thing continued following us. When we finally got to the top of the dome, the piece of shit was stretched so thin that it couldn’t follow anymore. Luna shouted and the ice above us shattered.

We burst out of the dome and she spun around, horn bright as the sun. “DRAW YOUR SWORD!” I ripped it out of its sheath and held it to the side. “HOLD ON TIGHT!” As soon as I wrapped my arm around her neck, we shot forward at the speed of sound. The magical shield around us protected us from the pressure, allowing me to slice right through the paper-thin nanomachines. My blade only claimed a few meters of it before the device retracted away from us. We continued flying, soaring away from the machine.

Once it was obvious we were no longer being followed, she slowed to a halt and released the shield. We hung in the air, her finally panting for breath. I checked my sword for machines before letting Luna’s neck go and sheathing the blade. When it was secure, I reached up and released the clasps on her helmet, then tugged it off for her.

“Breathe, Luna,” I said. I placed the helmet on the pommel and turned to check on the battle.

“I have never seen such a thing,” she panted.

“It moves like a water,” I said. That kinda gave me an idea. I reached down to her saddlebag and pulled out a canteen. “Drink.” She floated it over and did so. “I think I know what to do. We need to make it send tendrils out, then cut them off and throw them at the unicorns and the elementals so they can destroy them.”

When I was done talking, she emptied the canteen and threw it aside. “Let’s do it. My helmet, Nav?”

I placed it back on her head and held on. She took off toward the behemoth. “We need to find Watcher. That’ll let both groups know so we can coordinate.”

“May I do voodoo?”

“You may do voodoo,” I said with a grin.

Her horn flashed green and we angled straight toward the center of the group of ponies. At the moment, it was back to a stalemate. We made good time and alighted on the ground next to Watcher with ease. “My lady,” he said with a bow.

“We’re going to isolate small pieces of the device and throw them toward you and the elementals. Destroy the small pieces. Try to keep us covered.”

“Once we get a system going, I’ll assign unicorns to flyers and earth ponies,” Watcher said. “We’ll help you isolate tendrils.”

“Be careful,” I said. “One touch could be fatal to anyone without an elemental.”

“Don’t worry about us, my lady. We—”

“Shut your mouth, Watcher. Don’t you dare say a cliche on me!”

“Fine. Let’s kick some nanomachine ass. Is that better!”

“Hell yeah. Luna, let’s do it.”

She held me with magic and we shot into the air. The machines paid us no mind until we got close, then they sent out another tendril. Luna sliced it off at the base with magic and tossed the writhing thing toward the unicorns. They burned it to a crisp with magic.

The glob spasmed before retracting into a perfect dome. After a few painfully slow seconds, the dome spread open from the top and several projectiles of nanomachines shot up in an arc toward the unicorns. Watcher directed a huge fireshield above them that did nothing to the machines. Their next shield blocked them, then he bottled all the shards up into one pool before throwing them at the elementals. They dissolved the smaller blob instantly.

The slightly less huge mass melted back down into a mess and surged at us again. “This is going to take forever,” Luna said. “We have to find a way to truly kill it!”

“The only thing I could think would be freezing it and shattering it,” I said. “But I have no idea how to freeze something like that.”

“I do,” she said. “It will require time, help, and a few magics that you find distasteful.”

“What kind of distasteful?”

“It will require a few of the dragon corpses for fuel, if that gives you any hints.”

“Do it. Get Sentinel’s squad and the princess for your help. We’ll keep trying to whittle the thing down for now.”

“You are coming with me,” she said. “I need your aim.” Before I could come up with a reply, we teleported next to Sentinel. Their entire group flinched. “Report.”

“All quiet,” Sentinel reported. “What’s happening? Where’s Watcher?”

“Fighting,” I said. “We need your assistance.”

“Bring the dragon bodies to the ice,” Luna said. “Make sure they are touching it.”

“Why?” Sentinel.

“Because she told you to,” I replied. “Now isn’t the time for questions, now is the time to obey.”

The three of them bowed before rushing off to do our bidding. “And me?” Gilda asked.

“What is coming will not discriminate between those who fight and those who do not,” Luna said. “So I recommend fighting. Help the others.” Thankfully, she actually went off to help the others without another word.

Luna finally floated me off her back and set me on the ground. “Go up to the top of the ice dome. Find the hole we punched through. Use your rifle to keep aim on the beast. I will use alchemy to transfer the cold from the dome into it.”

“...Did you really need my aim for this?”

“Go. Once you are in place, do not lose sight of the monster.”

“Toss me.” Her horn lit up and threw me into the air. I used my fucked up wings to angle up the dome. “I swear to God, if she made me leave them for nothing,” I muttered as I flew along the outside of the dome.

“And what would you do, hm?” Aqua asked. “You have no idea what this thing even is, do you?”

“A wad of nanomachines,” I said. “It looks like a giant prototype water elemental. I can do a lot more good down there surrounded by brilliance than I can up here all alone.”

“You can do a lot more dying down here,” she said. “As Luna said, this is a fight for survival, not a playground for little girls. Ugh. I can’t wait to have you back in Canterlot. It’s so much safer there!”

“Nowhere near as fun, though.”

“Don’t worry, Navi. You’ll actually enjoy gossiping with Fleur, soon!”

That was too horrifying to possibly comprehend.

When I finally found the hole in the dome, I landed on it and lifted the rifle up. I had a perfect overhead display for the fight. In our absence, the ponies began working as a group to isolate smaller tendrils for the fire elementals to destroy. They didn’t seem to be making much of a dent in it. The water elementals were acting as the main distraction, keeping the giant’s focus away from the main group.

“So what have you guys tried?” I asked.

“Everything we can do,” Aqua said. “As you said, it seems to be a prototype of us. We’ve tried communicating with it with no luck. We’ve also tried hacking it. At this point, our only options are duking it out. We have the edge in make, but they most definitely have the edge in numbers. This is a beast against which we are helpless.”

“How’s it feel, Aqua?” I asked. “To be a little…” She slapped me upside the face before I could finish. “How dare you!”

“...I apologize. I should not have hit you. That will be the only time.”

“What was it you said about waters loving their hosts?” I asked. “And never hurting them?”

“...Sometimes we make mistakes.”

“How much trash talking did you do, hm? About how there are better ways to guide hosts?”

“I’m sorry you made me angry, Nav. Is that what you want to hear? How you’re so abrasive to be around constantly that having to be near you encourages physical violence? Oh, would it be better if I spanked you, maybe?”

“You shut your mouth, abuser,” I said.

“My oh my, how all that talk must sound to your daughter… I can’t believe you would ever say anything like that in front of her! It’s little wonder she lusts for you so.”

I had no more words for her. Thankfully, she didn’t hit me again and let me watch the fight in the eerie silence.

After a few minutes of watching, something landed on the ice next to me. I almost dropped the rifle before realizing it was Fog, the pegasus on Sentinel’s squad. “One minute to showtime, ma’am,” he said. “Luna said to keep your eyes on it, no matter what.”

“Good. You seen this thing yet?”

“We had a decent view of it from where we were,” he said. “The princess wants to know what it is, but none of us have ever seen anything like it except for the elementals.

“It’s a wad of nanomachines,” I said. “If I had to guess, I’d say the puppets we fought earlier were controlled by this thing. One wrong move and we become the ones guarding the wall.”

“Well, if we go down, we’ll retrofit this place like crazy. There’s defensive holes all over this place.”

“Imagine what something like that could do with Luna.”

“...No thank you,” he said. “I know she’s on our side now, but she scares me.”

“You should try rubbing her belly.”

“I prefer my hooves attached to my body. I know you enjoy saying things like that about people who are scary, but that mare was sent to the moon for a reason. Be careful, my lady.”

“No need for care,” I said. “I gave up too long ago. I accept whatever fate awaits me.”

He probably wanted to reply to that, but we both started falling before he could. He managed to catch me before we dropped too far and held me up. “What the fuck just happened?” I asked. The entire dome of ice was gone.

“Luna transferred all the temperature from the dome into the machine,” he said. I looked down at it and sure enough, it wasn’t moving.

“Talk about anticlimactic. I was expecting a light or a noise or something.”

“She just made a kilometers wide, meter thick dome of ice disappear in an instant. What more could you want?”

“A light or noise or something. I just said so. Were you not listening?”

“Forgive me, my lady. I was too busy marveling over one of the most powerful displays of magic that has ever been seen.”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again. Now drop me.” He did so and we flew over to the group of panting ponies, who seemed excited to see us. Taya rushed to me, giggling wildly. I paused to hug her, but didn’t savor it for long. As soon as I let her go, Kat took her place back on my arm.

“What happened?” Twilight asked.

“Luna did some kind of alchemy,” I said. “Using the dragon bodies as fuel. She used the cold of the dome to do this. We need to dismantle the machine before it has a chance to thaw.”

“That’ll probably be a while,” Twilight said. “If she did what I think she did, this thing will probably sit in ice indefinitely. We can just ignore it.”

“We are going to destroy this monstrosity,” I said. “Brook, what can you guys do?”

“We’re dissolving it as quickly as we can,” she said with Watcher’s mouth. “But I’m confident that if we were given time to pick this thing apart, we could crack it.”

“I assume it’ll break free as soon as it can, if the machines are even still active,” I said. “Continue dissolving it. Griffins, pegasi, in the air! Start patrolling!” All of them shot in the skies. “Spike, go join Luna and the princess. Take Zecora and Twilight. Send Sentinel our way.”

“You got it, Nav,” he said.

“Why me?” Twilight asked.

“Because you need a rest. Some time off the tip of the spear will help. Go.”

“It’ll take more than a short walk to recover the amount of magic I’ve used,” she said. “But it’ll help. We’ll send Luna this way, too.”

“Good. I’m going to boop her for this one.”

“What about the rest of us?” Black asked. “Where are our boops?”

“The rest of you are getting paid in gold. Luna’s gotta earn something. I don’t want the labor board coming after me. Watcher, when Sentinel returns, organize ground patrols. Once we get this thing neutralized, I intend to lead a force to assault the fortress itself.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “It’s getting to be night. Maybe we should get what rest we can for now and embark again in the morning.”

“I’m not leaving without making sure the fort is clear,” I replied. “I don’t want to come back tomorrow to find the place has been re-garrisoned. Or worse, another one of these things. At the very least, we need to scout it out so we can know what we’re dealing with when we come back tomorrow.”

“If there is another one, how do we deal with it?” Taya asked.

“We’ll use some of the ship unicorns and draw a max size magic circle and just wipe this place off the map entirely. That’s what we should have done from the start.”

“What about potential loot?” Felix said.

“So far, nothing we’ve seen has been worth dealing with all the bullshit,” I replied. “It’ll be interesting to see what’s in there, but at this point, my hopes aren’t high.”

“Do you want us to begin preliminary scouting?” Brook asked through Watcher. “A few sisters could probably scope the fortress out fairly quickly. It would not slow the deconstruction too much.”

“Go with care. Be prepared to run immediately.”

“Of course,” she said. “We will keep you apprised. This should not take long.”

“Should we really let them go in alone?” Taya asked.

“First rule of combat,” I said. “If somebody else volunteers to do something stupid but useful for you, don’t say no.”

“I thought the first rule was don’t get hit,” Watcher said.

“No, that’s dodgeball,” I replied.

“I thought it was not being in the same squad as someone more brave than you,” Grey said.

“That goes against my first rule,” I said. “The brave one is the dumb one who volunteers for stupid shit.”

“Right, but I’m not in a squad with them. You won’t see me going in there with no backup.”

“Fair enough. So when we get back to the ship, who’s next in line for belly rubs after my daughter?”

“Princess Gilda,” Watcher replied.

“No, I’ll be paying a visit to her dreams. She can make all the noise she wants there.”

“You are sooo lucky those griffins didn’t actually catch you,” Kat said.

“Those little bitches ain’t gonna do shit. I promise that she’s easier to put up with now than she was before our late night visits started, if you can believe it. They’d probably thank me for calming her down.”

“Before or after they murder you for doing lewd things with their unwed, virgin princess?” Watcher asked.

“No clue what you’re talking about,” I said. “There’s literally nothing lewd about belly rubs.” Taya cleared her throat. I ignored it.

“Did she ask you to deny it or something?” he asked. “You usually brag more about this kind of thing.”

“If I ever soiled the last virgin princess of the great griffin empire, I promise I would never tell a soul. For both our sakes.”

He snorted. “Well, you can trust us to keep it secret, regardless. We’ve cast our lot in with you, now. If you get into trouble over this, it’ll come back to haunt us, too. But if you haven’t laid claim to her yet, does that mean she’s open for the taking?”

“You’re welcome to try your luck,” I replied. “But you’re not her type.”

“Oh? Does she prefer bipeds?”

“You’ll have to ask her yourself. Looks like she’s on the way over.” Sentinel was leading the group, surrounded by a small bubble of magic. Spike was walking next to Gilda. Onyx followed behind them. Luna wasn’t with them.

“...Why is Sentinel covered in blood?” Kat asked.

I pulled my rifle up to check. Sure enough, she was pretty much caked in it. She also did not look very happy at all. Gilda seemed pale as a ghost. Spike looked sick. I couldn’t see Onyx clearly, but he definitely wasn’t covered in blood.

“Well, this is going to be interesting,” I said, putting my rifle down. “Watcher, send out the first patrols.”

“You don’t want to wait for her?” he asked.

“No.”

“...Black, link up with Nightshade. Patrol north. Smoke every five minutes. Green for clear, red for hostile. If you find something, fall back.” Black Fate bowed and his team started trotting off. “Rose, take the others and group up with the other pegasi. The team going west will use yellow and white smoke. The team going south will use orange and blue.”

“I should be by your side, sir,” Rose said.

“No. We need the numbers out there. I must stay by our lady’s side.” She bowed and walked away without a word, taking the rest of the guards with her. When they were out of earshot, Watcher snorted. “So why did you want them gone?”

“I don’t think we’re going to like what we’re about to hear. I don’t want unnecessary opinions.”

“...You can say what you mean, Nav. You don’t want any witnesses.”

I crossed my arms and watched them approach in silence. As soon as they got close enough for everyone else to see clearly, the muttering began, but nobody spoke up.

When they were finally standing in front of us, I realized Sentinel’s horn wasn’t glowing. After they had stopped for a moment, the shield around them dispersed. “That mare is a monster!” Gilda shouted.

“Which mare?” I asked.

“Take a guess!” Spike shouted. “Sentinel could never do something like that!”

“So what did Luna do?” I asked.

“She eviscerated the corpses!” Sentinel growled. “Right after I had placed the last one against the ice!”

“I’ve… never seen anything like it!” Spike said. “It was… it was so horrific, but I couldn’t look away! Just… plastered against the ground like… like some kind of morbid medical experiment! But… all the organs were black and rotten!”

“They weren’t when she started,” Gilda said with a shiver. “That was some effect of the foul magic she used! It ripped all the magic from them, rotting them from the inside out!”

“I threw up,” Onyx groaned from the back.

“Man. I coulda lived without those details. So where is she?”

“On the ship, recovering,” Sentinel coldly said. “She collapsed as soon as the dome disappeared. Still conscious, but too weak to go on. It also absorbed almost all of my magic. Twilight had to give us the shield.”

“You should have gone with her to rest,” Watcher said. “We’re just about wrapping up here. The waters are about halfway finished with scouting the interior. Minus any hidden rooms, there appear to be no more defenders within. There are plenty of traps, though. They’re disabling some as they go, but others are magical.”

“What about loot?” I asked. “Was this a waste of time or did we at least break even?”

“They’ve found several artifacts from dozens of cultures. If I had to guess, I’d say they were the belongings of the various defenders across time. It looks like most of them have been maintained, but there’s no telling yet how much of it will be useful.”

“Are you more concerned about treasure hunting than what you just heard?” Sentinel demanded.

“Do not speak to your lady that way,” Watcher quietly said.

“It’s fine,” I said. “What do you want me to do, Sentinel?”

“Act shocked, at the very least! What that mare did was utterly monstrous and black magic of the darkest sort!”

“What, alchemy?” I asked.

“Necromantic alchemy!”

“Well, are you surprised to find that mare is willing to use that kind of stuff?”

“Nav, that wasn’t…” Spike paused, before gulping. “She… she was still giggling when we arrived, blood dripping down her face. She enjoyed that!”

“I think it’s valuable to have a vassal who enjoys serving me,” I said.

“WHAT?!” Gilda shouted. The griffin guards halfway across the fortress heard it and spun toward us. Thankfully, they didn’t seem to be in a hurry to head our way.

“Look, we all knew going into this that working with Luna was going to be… difficult. She is insane, traumatized, obsessed with revenge, possibly mentally unstable, has basically no compass of morality at all, and an unhealthy dose of super illegal fucked up magic that should never be seen in the light of day. I’m sorry to sound so blase, but I don’t know how you expect me to act shocked by this.”

“...What are you?” Sentinel quietly asked. “How can you stand to be so… nonchalant! When was the last time you’ve taken anything seriously?”

“I keep the lives of my team and my crew in the forefront of my mind in everything I do, Sentinel. Every action I take is designed to minimize our casualties while inflicting as many as possible on the enemy. If it takes black magic, so be it. What are a few corpses? At least all of us made it.”

“And what will you say the next time she needs a power source?” Sentinel asked. “I bet fresh dragon would—”

“Don’t you dare,” I said. “I would never murder an innocent or an ally to further my goals. I do not betray my own. But if a fallen enemy can come to help us, I will welcome it.”

“...Then what makes you different than Celestia?” Sentinel asked.

“That is enough!” Watcher said.

“Do you doubt our goals?” I asked. “Celestia aims for domination and control, forcing the world into stagnation for the sake of her little weak ponies. She’s turned into their everything. I want to free them from that control, from her oppression. And more than that, I want to rid the world of Discord once and for all.”

“And she wants a soul!” Taya said.

“We’ll go with need, but we can definitely tack that on there. Luna is good at what she does. There’s no reason to let her talents go to waste.”

“And what happens when you rid the world of Celestia?” Sentinel asked. “Are you just going to turn over power? Not become the next big tyrant?”

Watcher’s horn lit up and a magical muzzle appeared around her mouth. “Taya, teleport Sentinel back to the ship. She needs to rest from her ordeal.”

I held up a hand. “Watcher, don’t silence my subjects. Release her.”

Before he could, Taya’s horn lit up and Sentinel teleported away. “That’s what she gets for questioning mommy!”

“That’s not how things get done, Taya,” I said. “We can’t just browbeat people into agreeing with us.”

“Sometimes you have to, my lady,” Watcher said. He looked up to the other three and narrowed his eyes. “Does anyone else need to rest?”

“Yes, I guess sometimes I do. Taya, newspaper?” She blinked, but then teleported a paper in from Ponyville. I rolled it up and popped Watcher on the head with it. “We can’t just browbeat people into agreeing with us, Watcher!”

“Fine, I agree with you.”

“Go—Hey!”

“Don’t hit me with a newspaper again, my lady.”

I tossed the thing aside, letting it blow away into the wind before smacking into Blaze and Char, who were finally moving to join us. “Already throwing stuff at us before we even report?” Char asked, trying to pretend to sound hurt.

“Cry me a ladle. So what’s your report?”

“As far as we can tell, all the smaller chunks of the horde have been eliminated. The water elementals are taking care of what’s left of it. Some of them have already begun scouting. We would like permission to join them.”

“No, we’re pulling back after they finish scouting,” I said.

“Why? The fight has only just begun. There is still much work to be done!”

“Because most of our unicorns are down and they’ve found a lot of magical traps in there. The waters haven't found any actual hostiles. They’ll fall back when they’re done and we’ll call it a day. When we have more people recovered, we’ll continue.”

“And in the meantime we sit and cool our heels?” Blaze asked. “I am not afraid of any traps. My brother and I can circumvent them just as well as any water!”

“Look, we all want to know what’s in there and none of us trust the waters to tell us the truth,” I said. “We will go in as soon as we are ready.”

“You cannot stop us,” Blaze said.

“No, but I can promise you no backup until we are ready. If you go in there and something happens, it’ll be just the two of you.”

“I am in no hurry,” Char replied. “I do not mistrust our watery brethren, but I will be happy to see things with my own eyes come morning.”

“Strike while the iron is hot,” Blaze said. “If there are survivors, they must be reeling. We must press the assault before we lose the advantage and have to storm the gates again!”

“It’s not that I disagree with you,” I said. “But the waters haven’t found any survivors and they’re probably almost done searching by now. I’m fairly confident that as tired as most of us are, we wouldn’t be able to find much more than they could. If you wanna go, I won’t try to stop you. If we have to go in and save you, I will absolutely hold it over you for basically ever.”

He turned and stalked toward the fortress without a word. “Should you really goad him so?” Char asked.

“What do you mean, goad him?” I asked. “I was just explaining things to him. Not my fault he took it personal.”

He rolled his eyes. “Always an excuse. So what do you think his chances are?”

“Oh, he’s totally toast,” I said with a grin. “So, should we make camp here or try to return to the ship?”

“We send Twilight and Taya back and have them draw a teleport circle in the hole we cut out of the mountain,” Watcher said. “Then we use the one Luna drew earlier to set up a quick entry and exit solution. You, your daughter, and the princess can return to the ship. Once we check over all the ground out here, I’ll coordinate with the elementals and we’ll organize more patrols. Once things are settled, I’ll start rotating troops so everyone gets a rest.”

“Sounds good. I’ll take Gilda and Taya. We’ll inform Twilight. We’ll pop white smoke when the teleporter is live.”

“What about me?” Spike asked.

“Stay here for now,” I replied. “Help Watcher with the patrols. The princess will be perfectly safe on the ship. You stay here as well, Kat.”

“Why do you get to go?” Spike asked.

“Because that absorb life is wearing off and the incense isn’t working as well as it was. My daughter and I need to get back soon before we pass out in the dirt.”

“Oh. Then have fun with the princess, Navi.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom. Come on, girls. Let’s go.”

Taya’s horn lit up and the three of us teleported halfway there. “I didn’t want to go too much further,” she said. “But I had to make sure you got the last say!”

“Good filly,” I said, petting her mane.

“Are you really so brazen as that?” Gilda asked. “Treating your daughter so openly like a pet?”

“So what do you think I should do about Luna? Sentinel seemed to think I should rein her in. What’s the princess’s take?”

She stared at me in silence for a few seconds before sighing and beginning to walk. We followed. “I don’t even want to think about that monster,” she said. “And it is hardly my place to tell you how to rule your servants, though you certainly seem to think you can do it as you’d like. Should you punish a mistreated hound for bad behavior? It seems unfair. And when I look at Luna, that is all I see: A mistreated little puppy looking for a good master to give her better directions. I hope you are the one she seeks.”

“Yeah, so do I. It would be awfully unpleasant if she turned on me.”

“Especially given you intend to eradicate her sister. How sure are you that she can be trusted?”

“If not, I’m as good as dead anyway. I don’t think any force I could scrape together would be enough to defeat both of them working together, not unless I got Pyrite involved.”

“Well, I hope you are successful. I would rather have you ruling to the south than Celestia, even if you feel the need to threaten us.”

“I promise to pay you a visit in your dreams tonight if you forgive me. We can… talk about all kinds of things.”

“That is an acceptable trade,” she replied with the fairest hint of a blush. “It will do much to help me get over the horrors I witnessed.”

“Anything to help ease your burden, of course.”

“You don’t have to be subtle,” Taya said. “It’s just me here.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Gilda immediately replied.

“Me either,” I said with a shrug. “You don’t need to act up for attention, honey. I’ll be happy to rub your belly all you want when we get back to the ship!”

She sweetly giggled. “Sounds fun, mommy! But if you ever want me to soundproof your room, feel free to ask!”

A full blush started spreading across Gilda’s face, but neither of us replied.

When we finally got to our original entry-point, Zecora was the only one present. She was poking over the dragon remains, taking samples and placing them in empty jars. She didn’t notice us walking up.

“Where’s Twilight?” I asked when we were sufficiently close.

“Drawing a teleportation circle in the hole,” Zecora said, finally looking up. “We thought it would help facilitate traffic to and from the ship.”

“Good. That’s actually what I was coming to tell her to do. She shouldn’t have left you alone, though. There’s no telling what’s out there.”

“I believe, at the moment, that I am in no danger. The spirits of these warriors are grateful to us for freeing them from servitude. The naga spirits have agreed to work with me for now in exchange for a favor.”

“What favor is that?” I asked.

“They want the hammer of their leader taken back to a clan home so that their story and demise can be recorded.”

“Yeah, we can do that. Point it out and I’ll take it with us on the first wave back to the ship. We can send it with the naga the next time he returns to his home.”

She bowed her head. “Thank you, my lady. This will help them move on.”

Twilight suddenly teleported in on the pad with a zap. “Oh, there you are,” she said with a grin. “We can get back to the ship easily now.”

“Taya, pop white smoke,” I said. “A few meters away.” Her horn lit up and white smoke started spewing out of nowhere a dozen meters away. “Alright, so who wants to get the fuck out of this desolate wasteland for a few hours?”

“Sounds good to me,” Twilight said with a sigh. “This place was draining.”

“A whole lot of fun, though,” I said with a grin. Zecora beckoned Taya over and they started rummaging through the naga corpses.

“I don’t quite agree that this trip was fun,” Twilight said. “You can see the aftermath from what Luna did for yourself.”

“Eh, it’s whatever.” When Zecora found the hammer, Taya trotted back over, carrying the giant thing with magic. “So, shall we get the fuck out of here?”

“Let’s,” Twilight said with a nod. All four of us congregated on the pad, leaving Zecora behind. “Are you staying?”

“I will burn these bodies, then join Watcher,” Zecora said. “He will likely have need of me.”

“‘Kay. Good luck down here,” I said.

“Rest easy, Nav. I feel the hard part still lies ahead.”

“We’ll see.” Twilight’s horn lit up and we finally teleported back to the ship.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-One—A Nice Respite

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-One—A Nice Respite

I woke up the next morning feeling wonderful. After rubbing Taya’s belly, then doing lewd things to Gilda until we both fell asleep and then continuing to do lewd things to her in her dreams, I really felt refreshed.

That probably says a lot about me. I chose not to think about it.

“I’m not sure I want to go back down there,” Gilda quietly said as I was getting dressed.

“Why not?” I asked. “Did you ever feel unsafe?”

“To be honest, no. But… I still felt scared. Seeing everyone around me stay calm is all that kept me going at times. I always thought of myself as fearless, but after those attempts on my life… and after yesterday… I have discovered that I am certainly no warrior. Hardly fit to be a princess, even. It is good that I seek to go into the academics.”

“Yeah, things did feel kinda tense there for a little while. I still had fun, though.”

“I’m somehow not surprised. You did not have to see that pet monster of yours eviscerate two dozen dead dragons while giggling like a maniac! The look on her face still haunts my mind! You may consider it perfectly normal, but it’s horrific to the rest of us!”

“Yeah, things like that can stick with you if you aren’t used to it,” I replied. “I’ll keep your dreams clean until we get back. That’ll help you get over it faster. If you want to stay on the ship today, that’s fine. Apparently Gourd was using telescopes to watch our progress from the other side of the dome, so you can keep updated with some of what’s going on.”

“In that case, he should use the antenna to keep contact with us. With him to update us from afar, we can know if something is happening on the surface.”

“That might be doable. We’ll have to test it. I’m interested to know what happened overnight. I doubt there’ve been any emergencies, but surely it hasn’t been completely quiet.”

“Hm. If any of my guards ask, we will tell them that I had nightmares after what I saw and wanted comfort from a noble lady, so I joined you.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “And it’s even technically true, though I doubt they’d approve of my methods.”

She snorted. “Who cares? I’ve been half-tempted to tell them just to see the looks on their faces. I would never actually do such a thing, of course…”

“Of course,” I coldly said. When I was finally donned in a simple heavy grey dress and a dagger, I nodded. “Then shall we go poke our heads out?”

“You aren’t going to don your armor?”

“I will later, sure. Right now, I’m going to get breakfast, then get briefed on what’s happened. After that, we’ll work out today’s plan. Then I will put on my armor.”

“Hm. So you intend to wear that plain old thing.”

“None of my clothes are old, actually. Rarity’s managed to make me dozens of outfits in the short amount of time I’ve been stuck in this body. She’s obsessed with shoving people into dresses, especially little boys.”

“...Little boys?”

“We try not to judge her for it, even if it is super creepy. Do you have a problem with what I’m wearing?”

“Oh, no. I’m somewhat surprised to find you wearing a dress to begin with, though I do prefer it.”

“So does Taya, which is the main reason I wear them,” I replied. “Twilight also likes the easy access.”

“Mmm, so do I. Lift your tail up for me?” I did so and she ran one of her talons down it before slapping my ass quite nicely. “Yes, I most definitely like the easy access. I also like that you feel no fear in showing off your femininity. I assumed you would be quick to hide it. I’ve discovered that I quite enjoy how you tend to present yourself. Your feminine curves are muted, but lovely.”

“You’re not too bad either, Gilda. I’m looking forward to seeing you all dolled up and cute at the pageant. And after you get going a few times, the blush on your face is adorable! Oooh, maybe we should take a picture!”

“Absolutely not,” she immediately replied. “I have no interest in allowing proof of our activities.”

“...Want a picture of me posed all provocatively?”

“Yes, of course. We’ll take a few dozen when we return to Gryphus. I want to have every inch of you documented and available for any… future activities.”

“Sounds fun. Make sure to share them with everyone you can.”

“Of course not. Your body is mine to admire!”

“...Yours?”

“...Those pictures will be mine to admire,” she said with a sheepish grin.

“What was it you said about mares being possessive?” I asked.

“Well… You are a special case, are you not? Feeling possessive over such a valuable, beautiful, and intelligent partner seems fair to me. I would be the luckiest griffin in the world if I could only make you mine…”

“I bet you tell that to all the horribly mutated women…”

“You’re the only beautifully mutated woman for me, Navi,” she sweetly replied.

“We’ll have to see about broadening your horizons in these dream sessions,” I said with a smirk. “I can think of all kinds of mutations that would be quite fun…”

“While I would be interested and we will definitely be exploring that later, I still meant what I said. I’ve seen how Twilight and your vassals treat you. I can easily beat that!”

“So you’re going to try competing with Twilight?”

“Perhaps I shall! I still have plenty of time to prove my value as a partner!”

God dammit. “Are we really doing this?” I sighed.

“And what have you got to lose, hm? Afraid you’ll actually enjoy yourself?”

“More afraid that you’ll get us caught. You’re not exactly subtle.”

“Then that shall be one more trait I work on!” she replied with a nod. “My courtship will begin soon, my lovely lady. For now, let us go break our fast!”

“...‘Kay.”

As soon as I opened the door, Kat thrust herself into my arms, squeezing me tight. “Good morning, my lady,” she cooed as she warmly stroked my wings.

“Good morning, Kat,” I replied, hugging her back. “So how are things at the fort?”

“Not so great,” she said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t available to comfort you last night, my lady.”

“That’s quite alright,” I said, finally peeling her away. “And what do you mean by not so great? What happened?”

“Well, you know how the waters were supposed to be cracking into the local machines?”

“...What did they do?”

“...Promise you won’t get mad?”

“What the fuck did they do?”

“They broke the crater,” Kat said with a giggle.

“Kat, you better follow that with more than a fucking giggle! What the fuck did they do?!”

“Well, they figured out how to make trees grow. After that, they figured out how to make it rain! And, well, they couldn’t figure out how to make either of them stop…”

“God dammit,” I sighed. “I’m getting breakfast and then we’re going to deal with this. Wait, did you say they couldn’t make it stop raining?”

“Yep!”

“It’s going to flood the bunker!”

“Already taken care of,” she said. “Watcher had Black cover the hole with magic. It’s just really muddy. And really, really green.”

Am I ever going to stop being punished for releasing these abominations upon the world? “Good. Have the waters learned any common sense yet, or are they still being retarded and just wildly fooling around?”

“Cascade doesn’t think Flo would appreciate being called retarded.”

“I guarantee you she’d smile and turn pink if she heard it was coming from me.” I finally walked past her and down the hall. “Is Taya up and about?”

“I haven’t seen her yet,” Kat said. “Shall I wake her?”

“Yes, though she’s probably already awake.” If I’ve been playing with Gilda for a little while, she’s surely up and about by now. She fucked off to do my bidding while the princess and I continued to the kitchen.

When I got there, Sunny looked up with a grin, but flinched when she saw me. “M-my lady!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Your eyes! They’re… bright!”

“Oh, they’re still bright green?” I asked. “I really did think that was temporary.”

“Your hair went back to normal, at least,” Gilda said.

“Well, I guess that’s one more mutation. So what’s for breakfast?”

“...Right. Forgive me. I’ve been cooking to order this morning, since most of the soldiers are still in the bunker. What would you like, my lady?”

“Whatever’s easy. Who else have you seen this morning?”

“Just the crew and Kat,” she said. “Did something happen between Sentinel and Luna?”

“Yes. I’m going to talk to them both about it this morning.”

“Good.” She finally got to cooking. “So… how was it down there?”

“Interesting,” I said. “It’s quite literally like another world.” An extremely hostile deathworld.

“I saw through the telescope. I can’t imagine how scared you were!”

“You mean not at all?” I asked.

That made her giggle. “Leave it to our lady to be fearless!”

“She’s not fearless,” Gilda said. “She’s just completely apathetic. Or at least, that’s what she said yesterday.”

“Is our lady lying again?” Sunny asked with a sweet little giggle. “Of course she’s not apathetic! She loves us all too much for that!”

“Yep!” my daughter declared, pressing herself against one of my legs. “I like your dress, mommy.”

“Good. I’m not going to keep crowding you, Sunny. I’m heading up to the deck for now.”

“It’s certainly no trouble, but I’ll bring everything up when it’s ready, my lady,” she said.

“Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t my favorite, Sunny,” I said.

“I won’t! I also won’t tell the others, especially Amber!”

“Good.” Gilda and I started walking to the deck. Taya placed her order and rushed to follow. When we got topside, I saw that we were hanging over the dome, the changeling ship anchored next to us. There was a bubble of magic around both ships that was radiating heat.

We couldn’t see far into the dome at the moment. Thousands of trees were pressing against the top, as far as I could see. As I watched, all of them tried shooting up another meter or two, only for the tops to crack and shatter under the pressure, showering everything under them with wet splinters and leafy debris.

“That’s going to be a problem,” Gilda slowly said.

“What happened?” Taya asked. “It was fine when we left!”

“The elementals fucked it up,” I replied.

“Oh. Of course they did. I bet it was mostly Aqua’s fault!”

“Probably.” My unwanted elemental snorted. “They’re working on fixing it now, I think. I just hope it didn’t wash away the teleportation thing.”

“We can still teleport back in,” Taya said. “We’ll just have to do it the slightly more difficult way.”

“Good. I’m not up for another hike through bullshitsville, especially not in the mud.”

“It would be mostly wet ash, which is probably worse,” Gilda said. “To be honest, I’m surprised they were able to make anything grow in there at all.”

“The nanites are probably super deep in the dirt. The fire only killed the top layer. The rain has likely washed most of the ash down to the fort itself, leaving mostly mud. It’ll probably be really gross when we go.”

“That’s an easy fix,” Taya said. “We can freeze the ground solid!”

“...Easy,” Gilda slowly said.

“Yep!” Taya’s horn lit up and a spike of ice appeared next to her. “See? Easy!” She tossed it right off the ship.

“I suppose after what I witnessed yesterday, I should feel no surprise in seeing what magic is truly capable of,” Gilda said. “I didn’t really consider Nav’s threat of eradicating city after city to be viable, but now… Truly, I wonder how we managed to throw Celestia’s goons out of our nation.”

“A consolidated, simultaneous surprise nationalistic uprising across several large hubs while Celestia and Luna were both busy dealing with other issues,” I replied. “Most of the occupying unicorns were either dead or dehorned before they realized what was going on. All the survivors were rounded up at the center of each city and then forced to run for their lives through the streets. Any who were captured were raped, male or female, and then pressed into slavery. Celestia chose to abandon them out of pride instead of trying to negotiate for their release. Those who managed to escape the cities were allowed to attempt to make it home, but most perished in the wild or were captured and either eaten or enslaved by roving griffin gangs who didn’t care what the new nation’s official stance on ponies was.”

“...How do you know that?” Gilda asked.

“I asked Luna.”

“That monster is a surprisingly forthcoming source of historical tidbits. I’m not sure if that makes up for the atrocities she has committed.”

“It most certainly doesn’t,” I said. “But I’m trying to help her atone in other ways. Like helping me clear out a super ancient human bunker so we can get to the knowledge inside and use it to benefit all life. If the elementals have already figured out how to make trees grow, it’s only a matter of time until they figure out how to make fruit-bearing trees grow. Then it’ll be other crops. If we can find some way to replicate this effect, we can easily grow enough food that nobody would ever have to pay for it again unless they wanted to.”

“That still leaves picking and transporting the food,” Gilda said.

“I have preliminary plans for picking it, but I’m not sure how viable it’ll be. It’s also… distasteful. Transporting it is as easy as dumping it all onto a teleportation circle and having a unicorn send it away to a central hub, where it can be distributed more evenly. The mages at the tower actually have a teleportation circle that works by pulling a lever. If we use something like that, it wouldn’t even require a unicorn.”

“So what preliminary plans do you have for picking?” Gilda asked.

“Skeletons.” She flinched back. “As far as I’ve been able to tell, necromancy is only banned because Celestia is squeamish and prefers banning distasteful magic to trying to understand it or put it to use. If we could make it viable, that would give a single necromancer the ability to work presumably an entire farm all by himself.”

“And risk any one of them devastating an entire city!”

“Taya, how many necromantic spells do you know?”

“A few, but I don’t know how to actually raise any dead.”

“And how long would it take you to raze a city, despite that?”

“I could do it by myself a lot faster than a horde of undead could, mommy.”

“And how many times have you wanted to raze a city?”

“A bunch.”

Oh. “How many times have you actually done it?”

“Never, silly! That would make you mad.”

“Any mage is capable of wiping a city off the face of the map with enough practice, Gilda,” I said. “And as Taya said, it would be considerably easier for one who doesn’t use necromancy.”

“And what of the dead, hm?” Gilda asked. “Do you expect any to consent to allowing their loved ones to be forced into servitude after their death?”

“Say a child builds a house with blocks. When he takes it down and puts it away, is the house he built in the box? Obviously not. At that point, it’s just blocks.”

“...I don’t follow.”

“What makes you, you?” I asked. “Is it your sexy flesh prison? Or is it what’s up here?” I poked her between the eyes for effect. “When you die, all you leave behind is components of what you once were. When your body is raised with magic, it’s just the physical components. Who you were is already gone. So why not recycle the remaining components?”

“Makes sense to me,” my lovely daughter replied with a shrug.

“It’s utterly and wholly alien to me,” Gilda said with a small shiver. “You will have a hard time selling that idea.”

“Not gonna stop me,” I said. “It won’t be difficult for me to get what I need, one way or another. With luck, once all the kinks get ironed out and people can see the system in action, most of that disgust will go away.”

“I can honestly say that it is, as usual, a unique and potentially life-changing idea,” Gilda said. “The kind of idea that is rapidly making me fall for you more and more.”

Taya sighed in disgust. “Another one, mommy? Really?!”

“That’s victim blaming,” I said. “Like, you’ve seen how I interact with mares, including the ones I’m ostensibly dating. Do I honestly seem like I’m encouraging it, or does it seem like I’m more a victim of circumstances?”

“Victim?” Gilda asked, honestly sounding slightly offended. “You think my affections make you a victim?!”

“See? You see this, Taya? Don’t get mad at me for everyone falling in lust with me left and right!”

“You love the attention and don’t you dare even try to deny it!” my daughter said. “If you really wanted her to leave you alone, you wouldn’t be rubbing her belly...” complete with air quotes, “...or feeding her schoolyard crush with all this attention!”

“Fine, I’ll admit it,” I said, crossing my arms. “I like people finding me attractive and a part of me likes people falling for me. But I really don’t like when I inevitably hurt them when I fuck up, piss them off, let them down, or otherwise make them hate me.”

“Despite what you and your daughter might think, I am no hatchling,” Gilda coldly said. “My affections are not so easily dissuaded. I made my intentions quite clear this morning. If you want me to stop, tell me no and I’ll drop it.”

I opened my mouth to say it, but froze. After a second, I sighed. “People can change. I’ve seen it happen. Hell, it happened to me. If you can make an attempt to be less of a stuck up princess, I guess it wouldn’t really be fair to instantly remove you from the running. But don’t get your hopes up.”

“Do you want a herd?” Taya asked. “You keep saying you don’t, but all you do is add more women to your little harem!”

“That is not a fate in which I am interested,” the princess said. “There will come a time for a choice. I will want all or nothing.”

“It’s also not a fate I particularly want,” I said. “But to be fair, marriage also isn’t a fate I particularly want. I don’t want a herd as such, but to be honest, I’m kinda fine with how things are now. I have a pseudo-romantic relationship with three women in particular, all of whom seem to be okay with me having lustful encounters with other partners. I wouldn’t mind being faithful to just one woman, but I would have to make sure it was actually the right woman.”

“Which is completely understandable,” Gilda replied with a nod. “I admit to feeling little interest in the idea of marriage, myself, but I know it will happen one way or another due to my status. If it has to happen, it might as well be to one who I will come to love.”

“Which is also understandable,” I said. “And, to be fair, Luna was partially correct yesterday. Once I become the de facto head of Equestria, I probably will need to settle down and pick a partner who will benefit the kingdom most. A princess from a neighboring kingdom wouldn’t be the worst option.” Taya sighed again, but Gilda grinned.

Before either of them could reply, a plate levitated in front of each of us. “Enjoy!” Sunny sunnily said.

“Will do,” I said. “And thanks.”

“Always a pleasure to serve, my lady,” she replied with a small bow. When we had all collected our plates, she released them. As she turned to leave, her eyes finally took in the bunker. “Whoa! What happened?!”

“The water elementals fucked up,” I said. “They’re working on fixing it now.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I wonder about those things sometimes, my lady…”

“You aren’t the only one,” Gilda said. “I can only imagine what having one inside me would do for my mental capacities. It’s a shame that such powerful machines have been corrupted so much. I certainly have no intention of ever inviting one into me.” She shivered slightly. “I can’t imagine something like that knowing every single one of my personal thoughts.”

“It has upsides,” I said. “But it takes a special kind of trust. If you don’t have that trust with one of them, it just feels like a violation.”

“Which is why mommy kicked Flo to the curb,” Taya said with a nod.

“That’s actually not why, but it’s part of the reason. One of the additional things they can do is completely change who you are as a person. If one decided to, they could slowly change you over time. I was starting to suspect Flo did that to me. Now I’m not so sure.”

“And do you intend to accept her back?” Gilda asked.

“That is the million dollar question,” I said. “I haven’t made up my mind yet.” Though I really wish I could take her back…

“What’s a dollar?” Sunny asked.

“The human equivalent of a bit.”

“Oh, neat. Well, I’ll leave you to your breakfast, my lady.” She bowed and finally walked off.

“You have such lively, happy staff,” Gilda said as we started eating. “The way they treat you is at times abhorrent, but their morale overall seems high. Well, aside from Sentinel yesterday…”

“I know, it’s weird. It turns out, if you actually treat your staff like they’re people with opinions that matter, they work harder and happier.” She gave me a very womanly look for that. “I couldn’t believe it either! Like, it seems counterintuitive. Sure, treating your employees like unimportant, mindless, interchangeable cogs seems like it would be better for morale and encourage loyalty, but I’ve had pretty decent results with my methods. Hm, you know, it’s odd. Your staff always seemed unhappy… I wonder why that is.”

She continued eating her breakfast in silence while Taya giggled.

When we finally finished, Taya teleported all the plates back. Gilda looked behind us, to the black changeling ship. It seemed like a few of them were starting to move around the deck, including the food pony. “Is that another one of your crew?” she asked.

“I guess technically,” I said. “He’s a pony convict serving a life sentence who volunteered to become a changeling food pony.” Her beak tightened. “It’s marginally better than kidnapping random ponies. It’s also better than just sitting in a prison for the rest of his life.”

“...I suppose it is an inspired scheme, if unpleasant,” she sighed. “It’s no surprise to me that Chrysalis could think up something this abhorrent.”

“It was mommy’s idea!” Taya quickly corrected. “She came up with it all by herself!”

“Oh.” That actually made the poor princess blush. “W-well… I would still like to view their ship. I trust I shall have no problems going alone?”

“If you do, let me know,” I said. “I have no issue with you viewing my ship’s engine.”

“Then I shall return when I am finished,” she said, finally stalking off in silence.

When she was far enough away, I turned back to the bunker with a smile. “See there, Taya? I don’t encourage it. I just don’t discourage it as much as I should.”

“Mommy, you literally just told her that she would be a possible option when you become princess! How is that not encouraging it?!”

“Yeah, but then I turned around and was super bratty to her. It cancels out, see?”

“What? No it doesn’t! At best, it just makes you look indecisive and unsure. At worst, it makes you seem like you’re just toying with her and don’t really care about her feelings!”

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, your opinion, man.” She stared at me incredulously for a few seconds. I finally booped her, making her squee in delight and go back to grinning in glee. “I love touching your cute little fun button!”

“What?” Sentinel flatly asked. Taya giggled as I spun to face the surprisingly nonplussed mare. The giggles stopped when I accidentally slapped her in the face with my tail. Serves you right. “Actually, never mind. It’s not my place to question our lady.”

“It’s absolutely your place to do that,” I said.

“No it’s not, and I would like to apologize for doing it yesterday,” she said. “It is not my place to question, only to obey.”

“I disagree,” I said, crossing my arms. “I need people to call me out sometimes. If I can’t come up with a reasonable justification for my actions or those of my followers, something needs to change.”

“You don’t need reasonable justification,” Sentinel said. “You are my lady. Your word is law.”

“That’s dumb. And also not like you. You just called me out for being on par with Celestia. Why would you flip-flop so suddenly?”

“I didn’t call you out,” she replied with a small grin. “I asked a question. Namely, what made you better than Celestia. And you answered that question. So again, I apologize for questioning you, my lady. It will not happen again.”

“I did what now?” I slowly asked.

“When Watcher muzzled me, you ordered him to let me speak. If I had said to Celestia what I did to you, I would be changeling food by now. So I got my answer.”

“Oh. Cool, I guess. So, I have an order for you.”

“I live to serve,” she replied with a bow.

“If I ever do something you think is questionable, call me out on it.”

“But—”

“Are you questioning your lady?” I asked with a smirk.

She blinked a few times before slowly shaking her head. “I would never do that.”

“Good. If I do something stupid, question me.”

“...As you command. And... I do have a request.”

“Oh?”

“I would like to volunteer my squad to work as Luna’s assistants in the future, should she ever need them again.”

My eyebrows lifted. “You sure about that? You didn’t seem too inclined yesterday…”

“I was upset, tired, and scared. After some time to think, I decided I would rather spare the others from the horrors of working with her.”

“Well, it’s something I’ll take under consideration,” I said. “I have no problem with it in general, but there might be some occasions when it isn’t viable.”

“I understand, my lady. When do you plan to embark again?”

“I was hoping to wait until Luna and Twilight got up, but that could be a while. I don’t want to leave the guys down there in the rain and mud forever, but I’m also hesitant to try pressing forward with only four unicorns.”

“Twilight should be up next,” Sentinel said. “With luck, Luna will be right after. Zecora managed to brew something up that helps regenerate magical energy faster.”

“Not gonna lie: That coulda been useful in the past,” I said.

“When?” she asked. “It’s not like we typically use up huge amounts of magic. As far as I know, the only one on the ship so far who fell into a coma before now was Amber, and that’s just because she was trying to impress you. And since the potion doesn’t actually help those in comas, it wouldn’t have helped then, either.”

“So it helps restore magic, but not to those who are in magical comas?” I asked. “How’s that work?”

“I may be a wise, beautiful genius, but I don’t have all the answers. I’m not sure Zecora even knows. It’s probably just a quirk of her weird voodoo stuff.”

“Whatever. When we have some time to just sit still in Canterlot, she’s going to need to start cranking some potions out. I want to have a stock of them when we go to Tartarus.”

“I’m sure she would be happy to help. Now, I would like permission to join the others at the fort. Watcher needs me.”

“Go. Ask him to either join me himself or send word back about his status. I heard from Kat about what the elementals did, but I don’t know what he’s doing.”

“As you command, my lady,” she replied with a bow. “I’m going to get armored up. I’ll be back up shortly.” She finally trotted off belowdecks, leaving me alone with my daughter.

“Why did you order her to question you, mommy?” Taya asked. “They should just obey!”

“Don’t be dumb, you’re better than that.” She blinked. “Also, I’m sorry for slapping you in the face.” She shrugged. “Now, I’m not all-knowing, I’m not perfect, and I’m certainly not anywhere near the good side of the alignment chart. I need people like Sentinel to keep me grounded in what is and isn’t acceptable. Sometimes we need to do unacceptable things anyway, but sometimes they can be avoided. If that’s the case, we should strive to do so. I took the time to build a very useful, powerful, and knowledgeable team. I need to listen to them. Otherwise, I might as well just replace them all with golems.”

“Who cares if something is unacceptable? All that matters is getting the job done!”

“Normal people care. Unfortunately, the world is mostly made up of them. Like it or not, we have to live with them. Thus, we can’t go around doing things that make people pissy.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I’m glad I have you to tell me what to do, mommy… I don’t think I'd want to try to figure all this out on my own!”

“Yeah, shit sucks hella hard.”

She finally perked back up with a smile. “So, wanna keep touching my cute little fun button?” she asked.

“We need to stop saying these things in public,” I said.

“What? Why?!”

“Because they’re super inappropriate. I don’t mind in private because it’s also cute and adorable, but I think it’s starting to give everybody the wrong impression.”

“So? We’re together forever now, mommy! No matter what! Who cares what impression the others get? Fuck them!”

“You watch your mouth, young lady!” I managed to last a total of three seconds before giggling. “Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to say that. Now, I get where you’re coming from and I definitely understand. But as much as I like making people feel awkward and uncomfortable, it doesn’t really seem like a good idea in this case.”

“Why? All we’d have to do is use the lie detecting spell and tell them the truth!”

“Because not every unicorn knows that spell and people might not trust it if you were the one who cast it. All I ask is not in public. Or at the very least, only around vassals and employees.”

“And what’s wrong with them thinking we do have that kind of relationship, mommy? It’s not like anyone can do anything about it!”

“Because there’s unacceptable and then there’s unacceptable. If we ever did anything and word got out, any hope of us succeeding after killing Celestia will be gone. There would be no coming back from that reputation loss. You are my daughter. I am your mother. That is our relationship.”

The poor filly looked on the verge of tears. After a few seconds, she turned back to face the bunker. “...Fine. But you better come up with another inappropriately cute and adorable nickname! I like being your little cuddleslut, but I’m sure I’d like more, too!”

“Deal.”

The next one to join us on the deck was the head of the griffin group. He took a moment to stretch. When he noticed the trees pressing against the dome, his beak dropped. “What happened?!”

“The elementals fucked up,” I said. Maybe I should put up a sign... “They’re working on fixing it now.”

He walked over to join us, staring at the dome in wonder. “This trip has been truly interesting, my lady,” he said. “Though I’m not sure why the princess wanted to join you.”

“Because it’s a human installation,” I replied. “And I gave her a bunch of human information a while ago. That’s where most of her inventions came from. She’s interested in finding more technology or information to salvage.”

“Hm. A part of me thinks she might be interested in something else.”

“Oh? And what’s that?” I asked.

“A mate.”

“What gives you that impression?” I slowly asked, feeling a pit of trepidation forming in me.

“I’ve seen what’s going on. I’m not blind.” Oh shit. “With the way she looks at that dragon, it’s obvious!”

Thank God, he’s an idiot. “You don’t have to worry about Spike,” I said. “He’s fascinated with his current Gilda. I think he prefers the warrior woman aesthetic to the cute bookworm.”

“That is… relieving. I’m pleased she’s spending so much time with someone closer to her rank on this trip, my lady. I’m glad you’re keeping an eye on her.”

“Always happy to help a friend,” I said with a nod. “After the horrors she saw yesterday, she might be spending a few more nights in my room.”

“Excellent. Please continue keeping her safe and comfortable, my lady. She is our last unwed princess. Prince Hooters would have my head should anything happen to compromise her.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing,” I said. “I’ll take good care of her.”

“Excellent. I’m glad she finally has a true friend. The princess can be… difficult to get along with at times.”

“She’s slowly working on that, it seems,” I said. “I hope she’ll be more tolerable when this trip is over.”

“As I said, I’m glad she has found a friend, someone she can really be comfortable with. All her life, it seems she’s been… somewhat stuffy.”

“It can be difficult for really, really smart people to get along with others,” I said. “And to be honest, she’s a genius. Not enough griffins respect that, which gets on her nerves.”

“And of course, she allows you to give her belly rubs.”

“It’s very therapeutic. If you’d like, I’d be happy to rub yours as well. I won’t tell your troops.”

His eyes glanced down to my daughter for a moment before darting back up to me. “Thank you, but I believe I will pass for now.” Yeah, for now. “When do you plan to return to the fort? I was able to fly back to the ship last night, but I don’t think I will be able to return that way…”

“When Twilight and Luna are up,” I said. “But if you want to return sooner, Sentinel was planning on heading out when she gets suited up.”

“I shall wait until the princess goes,” he said. “For now, my place is here with her. Have you seen her this morning?”

“I have. She’s on the other ship, looking over the engines.”

“The… changeling ship?” he quietly asked.

“My ship. It happened to be built by changelings and crewed by changelings, but it is mine and they work for me.” You know, supposedly.

“I believe I will join her. It was nice speaking to you, my lady.” He bowed and flew off to the other ship.

“...I think he might be blind, deaf, and dumb, mommy,” Taya slowly said.

“I’m not complaining. It does kinda explain why I’ve had to deal with two assassins in the griffin palace myself, though.”

“That’s okay, mommy. It got you up Gilda’s skirt, didn’t it?”

“It sure did,” I replied, tousling her mane. “One of the best ways into a girl’s panties is to save her life. You should keep that in mind.”

“But I’m not interested in girls!”

“Right, sorry. It never really did much for me when a girl saved my life as a guy, so I don’t really know what to tell you, there.”

“Shouldn’t I just dress like a slut and put out easily?”

“Yeah, that would do it. You can’t get pregnant anymore, so it’s not like you have to worry about that. All I ask is that you not be stupid with your partners.”

“Don’t worry, mommy. I won’t do anything dumb like making a prince fall in love with me and then sleeping with him behind his guard’s back while not actually intending to marry him.”

“Good. Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?”

“Nope! You should tell me over and over, just to make sure I get the message!”

So that’s just what I did, right up until the next person joined us on the deck. My little purple lover walked up behind me and wrapped her hooves around my waist. “Mmm, you’re so warm,” she sighed in delight.

“Everything is warm. We have a heat shield around us.”

“Well, you’re hot. Is that better?”

“Yes. How are you feeling now?”

“Much better. A night of hard sleep and then Zecora’s wonderful potion put me right back on my hooves. It even tasted great!”

“I thought she said she was going to stop making them taste good.”

“I thought so, too. When I asked, she said she would only make things she gave to you be unpleasant.”

“...That’s not a very nice way to treat her lady.”

“Yeah, well, that’s Zecora for you, I guess. How did you sleep?”

“Decently. Gilda’s a grabber, but that’s not too much of a problem when nothing wakes me. I considered hunting for dreams, but I decided I needed the sleep more.”

“Probably.” She finally let me go and looked over at the dome. “I can’t believe the elementals messed up like this.”

“Really?” Taya asked.

“...Well, I can believe it. I just don’t want to. Have you spoken to Sentinel about what happened yet?”

“Yes.”

“...And?”

“And it’s taken care of.”

Twilight looked down at Taya, who said, “She swore to obey mommy no matter what.”

“Oh. Good. Not what I was expecting, but good! Did she say why?”

“Because I’m better than Celestia, apparently,” I replied. “Instead of silencing her, I tried to allow her to speak.”

“Makes sense, but that was a little extreme. Did she say anything about Luna?”

“She volunteered to be Luna’s assistant in the future.”

That made her eyebrows shoot up. “Wow. What did you say?”

“That I’d take it under consideration.”

“...Huh. Well, it would be a good idea to have your troops working with her. And in terms of competence, she’s a step above the rest.”

“She has her uses. So have you been briefed on the conditions down there?”

She nodded. “Kat told me what happened. Apparently it’s starting to flood. Watcher moved the teleportation circle onto the wall, but it’s starting to get bad. When do you want to head back down there?”

“Whenever Luna gets up,” I said. “Sentinel said it should be soon.”

“Yeah, Zecora was going to see her next.”

“...I’m gonna go check on them,” I said. “I don’t think Luna needs to wake up with someone unfamiliar standing over her.”

“That’s probably a good idea. I think I’m going to go get breakfast, then. Do you know what Sunny’s cooking?”

“Whatever you ask for,” I said, starting to walk to the stairs. Before I got there, Sentinel stepped out. “You heading down?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Take Taya with you.”

“What?” my daughter asked.

“I’ll be heading down shortly and Watcher might need you,” I said. “You don’t need to get armored up and getting provisions in and out will be easy now, so you don’t need to pack. Thus, you can go with Sentinel.”

She sighed and hung her head. “Okay, mommy…”

“Like I said, I’ll be down soon.”

“I know.” She sighed again before her horn lit up and the two of them teleported to the little hole in the mountain.

Twilight and I continued into the ship. She went to the kitchen while I went on down to Luna’s room. When I got there, I found Zecora and Kat concocting some manner of potion on the small table in her room. Luna was still asleep. Her armor was piled up in a corner. I assume she wasn’t able to take it off herself, so someone helped her and then just dumped it.

“Why are you making it in here?” I whispered.

“These potions do not last long,” Zecora softly replied. “They must be ingested immediately.”

“Bummer. I was hoping we could stockpile them.”

“We can. I used most of my preservative ingredients while stockpiling for this expedition, so I’m holding off on them for now. Because of that, the potions I make must be used immediately.”

“Oh.” I figured letting them concentrate was wise, so I walked over to the dresser and tried sitting on it, only to immediately slide off because it was too narrow to support me and my shitty tail. I sighed in disgust before just leaning against it, the tail gently thrashing behind me.

When the potion finally started smoking, Zecora nodded. “It is done.”

“Let me give it to her,” I said. “I don’t want her to freak on you guys.”

“Wise.” She hoofed me the potion. I walked over to Luna and pried her mouth open. Her eyes slammed open and fixed me with a glare before she realized who it was.

I let her go and held up the potion. “Drink.” She sat up, took it with a hoof, and drank it all down. “How do you feel?”

Her eyes closed and she took a slow, deep breath. After a few seconds, she slowly eased it out and opened her eyes. “Considerably better. What manner of potion is that?”

“One of my own creation,” Zecora said. “Made from several ingredients we have found on our journey. It greatly boosts the rate at which a unicorn regenerates magic.”

“Astounding. Your name will go into every alchemy book printed in the future, Zecora.”

“I am not interested in fame or acclaim. Serving the clan as my lady’s mystic is enough.”

“At the very least, I advise you make this recipe public. It could revolutionize the study of magic.”

“I highly doubt it,” Zecora replied with a small smile. “Obtaining the ingredients would be impossible for most. But I suppose you are correct. It is worth sharing.”

“Think you’re combat-ready?” I asked.

“I am,” Luna replied with a nod. “I shall armor up and head to the deck post-haste.”

“Kat, go get Luna breakfast, please,” I said. “I’ll help her armor up.”

“...As you wish,” Kat said. She walked out wearing an unreadable expression. Zecora followed without a word, closing the door behind her.

“Sentinel told me you were pleased with my work,” Luna said with a shy smile. “I’m happy I serve you well, Nav.”

“Is that what she told you?” I asked.

Luna blinked and her grin disappeared. “Is… Is that not the case?”

“Oh, I was pleased with the results. I’m just surprised Sentinel told you that last night. She was pretty irate when she left.”

“She was even more irate when she returned to the ship. In fact, she screamed your praises at me before storming off. But I knew she couldn’t be mad at me, so I wasn’t worried.”

“Why did you know that?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Because I only did as you commanded. How could she be upset that I followed your orders? So what was she mad at?”

“It’s been taken care of. Don’t worry about it. Now, you ready to get started?”

“I am. I suppose you will need assistance as well?”

“You suppose wrong. My armor is more of a body suit.”

“Ah, yes. It lacks a helmet. I will work with Jak to design a suit of runic armor for you. You will wear it, instead.”

“Sounds good to me.” She finally hopped out of bed and we began armoring her. Kat showed back up with food before we could finish. She helped Luna finish while I went to get my own gear.

To my surprise, Watcher was waiting in my room. “Sentinel said you wanted to see me?”

“I was looking for a report,” I said. “You didn’t have to come in person, but that works. What’s going on?”

I started stripping down while he began talking. “The water elementals screwed up big time. I had to pull all my ponies up to the wall because the crater is starting to flood. It’s all we can do to keep the rain out of the hole. Taya and Sentinel are helping, but we need this fixed before I’ll feel comfortable entering the bunker itself.”

I was finally down to nothing and started putting shit on. “Do you think Luna could put up another circle of protection around the fort to keep the water out?”

“I don’t know. Probably not. To get one sizable enough, she’d have to put it in the center of the hole. That wouldn’t be possible.”

“Are the flying platforms still there?”

“...They are. That actually might work, if we can figure out how to control them.”

“Good. Did you have any contact last night?”

“Yes. What we think was the last group from the forest attacked us, trying to retake the fort. The water elementals swarmed them, eradicating them all.”

“Excellent.”

“The waters disagree,” he said. “They were hoping the mass we killed earlier was controlling all of them. If it was, killing it would have either freed or disabled them.”

“The waters said before that they didn’t have any personalities. It might be possible that they had a standing order to fall back to the main base if anything ever happened.”

“I like the optimism, but we must be extremely cautious when we enter the bunker itself. It’s possible there’s more groups of nanomachines.”

“I’d like to think Felix would have noticed something like that, but he’s been mostly useless so far.”

“Are you sure it was a good idea to allow him weapons?”

“What’s he gonna do? Try attacking us? He’d be killed in an instant. Try running? Where’s he gonna go? It’s not fair to make a man who knows how to fight to go defenseless in a place like this, to us or to him.”

“I suppose. I just don’t want him getting desperate.”

“From what I understand, he has a deal with Princess Gilda. If he fulfills his end, he’ll be free to go. He has nothing to worry about. Her griffin pride is on the line. Plus, he knows he’s getting a share if he cooperates.”

“Are you sure you should waste a share on a mostly useless crew member?”

“Of course. It sets a good example to Gilda. Be fair to everybody in your command, even if you don’t like them that much. Besides, he doesn’t seem like as much of a shitbag as I originally thought. He still has a long way to go, though. I don’t like thieves.”

“Yet you don’t mind assassins or mass-murdering princesses.”

“I don’t like proud, unashamed dirtbags. Luna regrets what she has done. Kat regrets what she has become. Felix revels in his filth. He may have slightly more honor than I originally thought, but that doesn’t change much.”

“I suppose it grows easy for you to ignore all the faults in those who swear to serve you.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” I said. “I worry about it all the time. Kat feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to blow. Luna may be loyal, but she worries me.”

“She worries all of us. Sentinel told me she made peace with you.”

“She did.”

“...And?”

“And it’s taken care of.”

“Very well.”

“Any other news about the bunker?”

“Blaze never came back from the fort last night. Mist went in after him a few hours ago.”

“Here’s hoping they both got killed. That’ll be two fewer malfunctioning AIs to worry about.”

“I’m usually not one to wish ill upon our allies, but I’m inclined to agree. At least in Mist’s case. Blaze might be rough around the edges, but he’s lethal in melee. Mist is just psychotic. I also have severe concerns about Aqua.”

“How do I look?” I asked, finally turning to face him. At that point, I had everything ready.

“Like a noble,” he replied with a nod. “Armored in unique, one of a kind armor, several extremely rare and valuable weapons, a few magical artifacts… It’s obvious you’re free to flaunt your wealth, my lady.”

“Great, now I just feel dirty. Way to ruin it.”

“I’m sorry, my lady. You look beautiful. Stunning, even.”

“Much better. When’s the last time you took a break?”

“I was out there all night, coordinating our efforts.”

“Get a hot meal in you. Sit down for a few minutes. Join us back at the fort when you’re ready.”

“As you command. Will you be heading down soon?”

“As soon as I get everyone together. I’ll be leaving Gilda behind for now. She… felt unsure about going back after yesterday. This’ll give her more time to consider.”

“Should I bring her with me?”

“If she wants. Ask first. At the moment, she’s studying the changeling engine. That’ll probably occupy her for a little while. She also has the griffin captain with her.”

“He and his scouts have been useful,” he said. “They were the ones who spotted the attack.”

“They were also the ones who scouted most of the mountains for us. Thankfully for me, the guy is dumb as a box of rocks. He thought the princess was going after Spike, and asked me to keep an eye on her. Then praised me for spending so much time with her in my room.”

“You have the best life ever sometimes, Nav.”

“Yeah, sometimes. I bet you wish you could be banging a smoking hot griffin princess.”

“Oh, I do. I only got to do it once.”

“Wait, what?”

“One of the king’s other daughters was feeling lonely and vindictive one night while she was on a diplomatic mission to Canterlot. I happened to be nearby. It’s an encounter I remember quite clearly.”

“Was it fun?”

“It was… an experience. I did have fun, but I don’t know if I would classify it as fun overall.”

“Nice. I’m heading topside.”

“And I’m heading to the kitchen.” We both went our separate ways. When I got to the top, I found Luna and Kat waiting for me.

“No Twilight yet?” I asked.

“She went back below when she saw you weren’t ready,” Kat said. “She said she’d be back soon.”

“Baller. Zecora?”

“She has not been up,” Luna said. “Shall I go fetch her?”

“Nah. I don’t know how long she’s been out in the field. Apparently this is Watcher’s first time back. They need us down there pretty badly, so we’re going as soon as Twilight gets back.”

“What’s the situation?” Luna asked.

“Severe flooding. Watcher’s had to pull back to the wall. At the moment, they have a shield over the hole so it won’t flood. I was hoping we could use one of the flying platforms to draw a circle of protection in the center.”

“That might be doable, but a circle on just one platform won’t be large enough. We’ll need at least nine of them.”

“Good thing there’s ten. When we get there, I want you to take Twilight and the pegasi and see what you can do about moving those things.”

“Do we have a Plan B?” Kat asked.

“Use magic to steam all the clouds, like we did yesterday,” I replied. “With luck, we can get rid of enough of them without using a circle that it stops the flooding.”

“If there is no lightning, the pegasi and griffins could bust the weather,” Luna said. “You and I could assist.”

“You could. I can’t fly well enough. That can be Plan B. Plan C is using magic.”

“You will not get better without exercise and practice,” Luna said. “Busting weather is perfect for practice.”

“It’s less a matter of strength and more a matter of my wings legit being fucked. That’s why I need to be tossed in the air to fly. I’m planning on chopping them off soon so they can grow back less shitty.”

“...You say exercise and practice would do you no good. Have you tried?”

“No. I just assumed it was more magic than actual strength.”

“Not so,” Luna said, spreading her wings. “I try to exercise my wings daily. If I do not, flying becomes a chore rather than a delight. I can’t imagine the same wouldn’t be true of you. How often do you fly?”

“Not very. I try to avoid it because it’s hard as fuck. I have to be careful how I flap my wings because they have different wind resistances. They also have different weights.”

“...I see. I suppose chopping them off might make sense, then. Are you certain they’ll grow back?”

“Nope. But if not, that means I can probably chop my tail off, too. That’ll put me much closer to normal. So win-win, really.”

“...You detest your body so, that you would be willing to mutilate it?”

“Yeah. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because I haven’t had time. Soon, though.” Kat skipped across the deck and hugged me. “I love how your body feels against mine.”

“Good. I love how every single part of yours feels against me, too. Including your wings and tail!”

“I’m afraid you liking my body isn’t enough of a reason for me to keep putting up with something that makes me want to kill myself. I have the chance to fix it, so I’m going to take it.” Kat continued hugging me. She was comfy, so I didn’t really care too much.

“It is still disheartening to hear that our lady hates her figure so,” Luna quietly said. “It does little for morale.”

“Well, I hate being a woman too, but everyone seems to love forcing me to do feminine bullshit anyway. That’s bad for my morale. If my subjects can do shit to piss me off, it’s only fair that I can return the favor.”

“I have done no such thing,” Luna said.

“Guilt by association,” I said. “You’re one of my vassals. All my other vassals are guilty. Thus, you get lumped in.”

“Hm. You are a female. Thus, you get lumped in with other females. It seems fair to assume you would be okay with feminine things.” That made Kat giggle.

“Well, you know what they say about assuming.”

“I don’t, actually,” Luna replied. “Who says what about assuming?”

“The human saying is that when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. It basically means that you should never assume things.”

“All of our knowledge is preliminarily built on assumptions. How can our magic theorists find new ways of doing things without first assuming that something is possible?” And that made Kat chuckle.

“The point is, just because I have a vag between my legs doesn’t mean I want to do all kinds of feminine bullshit. But it seems that my opinion matters for very little, I’m afraid.”

“Appearances are important,” Kat said, snuggling me slightly tighter.

“And so is the mental well-being of our lady,” Luna said. “You should not force her to do what she is not interested in. To be honest, Nav has enough gravitas by herself to not need pretty clothes. Her mind has been battered enough. We must care for her, not subject her to more trauma. While I am definitely interested in seeing her all dolled up, I would never do such a thing without her permission.”

“Well, we always had permission,” Kat said. “Navi just likes complaining!”

“You may have always had permission, but it was always regretful and generally speaking, I didn’t enjoy any of it.” With a few exceptions. Sometimes being pretty can be fun…

“You seemed to enjoy yourself at your party,” Kat slyly replied. “And we all know you loved the dress Rarity made you when you became a noble!”

“It would be impossible not to love that dress. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to wear it. Most of you people just enjoy watching me suffer.”

Kat finally let me go and stared at me with pain in her eyes. “I could never want that, my lady! You mean more to me than you could ever know. I just want you to fit in well in Canterlot! As our noble lady, that means dressing up.”

“Fuck fitting in. I’m a wholly unique being at this point. That’ll never happen regardless of how I dress.”

“But… dressing you up is so fun! Doppel and Fleur both adore it!”

“And you don’t?” She replied with another giggle. “Yeah, we’re done talking about this. Luna, take Kat to the fort. Twilight and I will join you when she gets up here.”

“As you command.” Her horn lit up and the two of them vanished.

I finally heard some hooves coming up the stairs. I turned, expecting to see my little Twiggles. Instead, it was Gourd. “Good morning, my lady,” he said with a grin. “I heard you had fun yesterday.”

“You heard right. You also saw right. Do you think it would be possible to use the antenna to radio things in from here to the ground team?”

“No. Between the mountain and the shield, there’s too much interference. We’d have to shove the antenna through the hole in the mountain and if we do that, we wouldn’t be able to see what’s coming.”

“What if you were above the forest?”

“Then we’d be vulnerable to any unicorns in it. If they attack us from below, we’d be falling before we even knew what hit us.”

“Well, at this point, eyes in the sky wouldn’t benefit us much anyway. Not with the entire crater full of trees and rain. And once we clear the fort, most or all of us will be entering the bunker.”

“Hm… I wish we could go with you. I feel useless sitting out here.”

“Having a place we can fall back to is important, especially at night. I’m not sure how large this bunker will be, but it took me hours, possibly even days, to get through the bunker in the Antarctic.”

“Are you sure you should go back down there, my lady?” he asked. “After the last bunker…”

“I am not going to be alone this time.”

“Wouldn’t you feel better with more of us at your side?” he asked with a grin.

“I would if you were actually capable of fighting. How many of you are in practice?” His grin disappeared. “That’s what I thought. At the moment, you’re more useful here, keeping the ship safe and sound. If we ever have any injured, we’ll need a place to send them.” After all, we couldn’t use the so-called surgeon without a way to pay him.

That made him sigh. “I suppose it’ll be like this in Tartarus, too.”

“Just like it was in Africa, South America, Antarctica, and the Crystal Empire. I don’t know why you’re just now complaining about it.”

“You weren’t my lady then.”

“You also hadn’t slept with me then.”

And that put a huge blush right across his face. “W-well, that… that has nothing to do with…”

“Uh huh, sure. You know, I’m not in a hurry. We could maybe go back to your room for a few minutes…?”

“Right behind you!” he immediately replied, his tail wagging.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You should consider going to the Crop. I let them make a cast of my vag, so you could get a fleshlight designed after me.”

“...How did they make a cast of your… lady parts?”

“It was cold, slimy, and uncomfortable. It was a worthwhile sacrifice, though. They told me it’s one of their more popular models. Apparently I’m pretty tight and comfy for most races. I also let them get a cast of my dick. It was extremely popular for a while, but it’s kinda tapering off now.”

“I can definitely attest to your tightness, my lady. And you were quite comfy to cuddle with, too.”

“Good to know.”

“That said, a lifeless toy would be nothing compared to the real thing. You were like putty in my hooves, Nav!”

“And also extremely drunk, which you used to your advantage.” He looked away. Luckily for him, I could finally see Twilight coming out behind him. “You ready?”

“I am,” she replied. “Where’s Kat and Luna?”

“They were bullying me, so I told them to go ahead,” I said.

“I could see Kat bullying you, but not Luna. She seems wholly subservient, at this point.”

“That’s actually true. It was just Kat. Luna took her away so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Shall we?”

“What about the princess?”

“She’s studying the changeling ship at the moment. She also wasn’t sure if she wanted to go back. Right now, it’s just miserable in there. I’ll let her chill here for a little longer.”

“Oh, but you’re asking me to go?”

“You’re a lot less delicate. We also might need you to help fix it. Plus you’re cuter.”

“All fair points. Shall we, then?”

“Take us away, Twiggles.” Her horn lit up and off we went.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Two

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Two

As soon as we touched down, I felt myself flood with life again. My hair once more merged into flowers, despite the heavy rain pouring down on us. The wall looked very slick and several areas were covered with branches or entire segments of trees. The guards were clearing them as they patrolled.

“Welcome to the fort,” one of the griffins said. It looked like their group was assigned to guard the teleportation circle.

“Any change in situation?” I asked.

“Luna took all the pegasi a few minutes ago. They’re wrangling up the flying platforms. As you can see, it appears to be going decently.”

At the moment, they had four of them clumped together and were chasing down two more. “Good. Where are the water elementals?”

“In the water,” he replied. “Will our princess be joining us?”

“Maybe later. I didn’t see any reason to drag her into this mess.”

“Understandable,” he said with a nod. “In the absence of our captain, we are at your disposal.”

“Twilight, do you think you could help Luna?”

“I could probably start drawing the circle on the platforms while she wrangles them.”

“Can you guys ferry Twilight up to the platforms?” I asked. “She can keep the rain off you on the way there.”

“I can teleport,” she said.

“It would be no issue for one of us,” the griffin said.

“You need to save your magic, Twilight. Let one of these handsome fellows fly you up.” Plus, they need to feel useful.

“...Very well.”

The griffin who spoke up nodded at one of his fellows. The dude took off and swept Twilight up, flying her out of our little bubble.

“So where’s Taya?” I asked.

“Patrolling the wall with some of the pony guards and Kat. Speaking of, Kat seemed very… unhappy when she arrived.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. Do you have any way of contacting the waters?”

“We don’t,” he said.

“There is no need,” Brook said. “We are here.”

I turned around and sure enough, there they were. I crossed my arms. “What did you do to my fort?”

“We gave it a moat, my lady,” she replied, her eyes turning pink. “As always, we are happy to be of assistance.”

“Your moat is getting a little too full. I want a fort, not an underwater maze.”

“We’re… working on that part.”

“Work faster. Where the hell is Char? Why isn’t he helping you?”

“Because it’s raining,” Flo replied.

“So? Stand under a fucking shield or cover him with your sexy, nubile bodies. The sooner we get this shit fixed, the sooner we can rescue your sister and his brother.” You know, assuming the traps didn’t do us a favor.

“We would be happy to share a shield with you and our brother,” Brook said, grinning. “Shall we go seek him together?”

“Who said I needed to be involved?” I asked. “I can’t help.”

“Oh, but we need to stay in contact with you, don’t we?” she asked. “That is, unless you want to become a host?”

“The only reason I’d have to contact you is if the rain stopped, because we’re stonewalled until it does. That is your only priority. When it stops, you’ll either find me here or have contact with a host who’s with me.”

Brook was silent for a few long moments before her eyes shifted to blue and she bowed. “As you wish.” Just like that, all of them darted off to the right, heading down the wall to one of the far shields.

“Well done, my lady,” one of the griffins said. “That was impressive!”

I turned back to them and let my arms drop. Apparently the guy who dropped Twilight off returned while the elementals had my attention. “Thanks, I have practice. So, what are your thoughts on this place?”

“I always thought it was a myth,” the leader said. “Something veteran adventurers tell scary stories about. I never thought it was real, much less that I'd get to go there! This kind of trip is exactly why we joined the special forces, ma’am.”

“I kinda had a feeling you’d say something like that. Forgive me if I seem underwhelmed. I’ve seen all kinds of things. Most of them were horrific. Some of them were alright.”

“So we’ve heard. Yesterday, Luna mentioned something about dragons…?”

“Oh yeah, that shit was completely traumatizing. I almost got turned into a breeding sow for a dragon cult by Bahamut. After that, Pyrite himself tortured me. Then his mother kidnapped me. That giantess was completely batshit crazy with a heart five sizes too big. And when I was finally rescued from her, I was told I was to be executed immediately. I only just narrowly survived.”

“I… I see. I’m… sorry for making you—”

“Nah, it’s cool. I’m legit dead inside now. Taya’s really the only thing keeping me going at this point.” None of them seemed to have a reply for that. “Sorry, I always forget I’m not supposed to tell people these things. So, somebody name a non-griffin royal.”

“...Princess Cadance?” one said, making it sound like a question.

“Didn’t technically nail her, but she did watch as her husband fucked me.” Their mouths dropped. “Name another.”

“CEO Zedog!”

“Nope, haven’t met him yet. Give it time, though. One of the dogs put a bounty on me, so I gotta go take care of that eventually.”

“Princess Celestia!”

“Oh yeah, so many times. She’s a complete animal, if you know what I mean. And a totally submissive slut. One time, I had her turn me invisible so I could fuck her in secret at the Grand whatever Gala.”

“That’s too much,” one of them said, shaking his head. “Come on, at the Gala?!”

“It was part of a deal,” I said with a shrug. “I agreed to do something miserable for her and in return, I got to fuck her at the Gala. She loved it, even if she pretended otherwise.”

“What did she get?”

“Nuh uh. Next royal?”

“Ex-Princess Luna?”

One of the other guards elbowed him. “Shush! Queen Chrysalis?”

“Oh yeah. She’s a lot of fun.” They all shivered. “Don’t judge me.”

“No judgment, just… a bug?”

“They’re squishy where it counts. And trust me when I say that as a lady, size does matter. You know, sometimes. And those bugs can pack more than you can, if they want to!”

“You’re just a wonderful little fountain of knowledge, aren’t you?” one of them said with a grin.

“I do so adore a man with compliments,” I said with a smile. “So, next royal?”

“...Brook?”

“Nope.”

“King Aspen?”

“Haven’t met him yet. Although now that I think about it, that’s just about all the royals I’ve actually slept with. Though I have had a few memorable encounters with noblewomen…”

“Anything scandalous?” one asked.

“I try to be discreet.”

“...You just told us you slept with several major rulers,” one slowly said.

“As in, I try not to do anything that would get noticed by the major public. I mean, who the fuck is gonna believe you guys? You’re gonna come back with hundreds of wild, nonsensical tales. The instant you tell anyone I fucked Celestia at the Gala, they’re gonna laugh in your face and nothing you say will make them stop.”

“You’re pure evil!” one shouted.

“Duh. Fucking look at me, dude? How close am I to looking like a demon? I gotta act the part too, right?”

“...So how can we trust that anything you say is true?”

“Just because I’m evil doesn’t mean I’m a liar. I’m over that now, for the most part.”

“Favorite fetish?” one immediately asked.

“Go fuck yourself.” They all sighed in disappointment. “Just because I don’t lie doesn’t mean I’m obligated to tell you the truth. You’d be surprised how many ways you can dissuade or sway people without actually lying. Ask me a yes or no question.”

All of them very suddenly looked quite intense. “Have you slept with Princess Gilda?”

“How dare you even ask me that?” I replied. “I swore an oath to her father that if I ever slept with her, it would be on our wedding night. I have been nothing but a friend to her the entire time I have known her.”

“...As you said, it’s a very interesting way to get around answering a question,” he replied. “So, yes or no?”

“You have my answer,” I said. “Make of it what you will.”

“You know, it seems to me that someone interested in actin’ like a demon would be quite interested in stealing a princess’s honor… And breaking an oath.”

One of the other ones continued, “Especially a demon who enjoys collecting royals as bedfellows.”

The third one added, “You notice how she started with a non-griffin royal?”

“You wanna know why I added that?” I asked with a smirk.

“By all means, please,” the final one said.

“Take a guess about what the crown prince’s favorite fetish is.”

“He’s married!”

“And after he was through in my room, he asked if I would consider becoming a royal consort.” Their mouths dropped. “Why would I go for Princess Gilda when her much sexier older brother had his talons all over me?”

A few of them cleared their throats and looked away. The leader rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah… sorry for the uh… suspicion, my lady…”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again. Have faith in your princess. She isn’t some trollop like me. Your prince, on the other hand, has excellent taste in women.”

“You know, some of us have… excellent taste in women as well…”

“Play your cards right, maybe you’ll have a few more wild stories to tell. You gotta earn it, though.”

“Did Prince Hooters?” one asked with a smirk.

“Who could turn down royalty? It’s an honor! Plus, I kinda have a collection going…”

One of them spit on the ground. “Buckin’ royal blood! They get all the perks!”

“That’s why humans killed most of ours,” I said. “Instead, we picked the route of money as power, so the more rich you were, the more you could do and get away with. When I appeared here, the rich owned pretty much the entire planet.”

“...Is that supposed to be better?” one asked.

“It was supposed to be, but that ended up kinda falling through.”

Before we could continue dithering on, Watcher and Zecora teleported in with a crack of thunder. “I see it’s still raining,” Watcher immediately said.

“They’re working on it. Luna and Twilight are trying to get a shield up. How much of the fort do you think is underwater now?”

We all walked over to the edge of the wall. The water hadn’t quite gotten up to the ballista holes yet. “We sealed the entrance off when the rain started getting bad,” Watcher said. “So until it gets to the holes in the wall, it should be mostly fine. That does mean Mist and Blaze can’t escape, but they should be safe sitting by the entrance until it’s all over.”

“I don’t think the two of them could ever be safe when they’re side by side. Something would inevitably happen.”

“Maybe they can use that time to bond,” Zecora sarcastically replied. “The more I think about what Twilight and Flo said, the more I am certain that nothing is meant to live that long, not even machines. Call it a malfunction, call it trauma… Nothing that powerful should exist for so long with so many mental problems. They cause… tears in the fabric of society when they rear their ugly heads. I worry about how much of what we know will be undone by the presence of these ancient sleeping gods.”

“...That are listening to your every word,” Brook said through Watcher.

“Then heed my warning, Brook,” Zecora said. “Your presence in this world will cause ripples. Take care that they do not tarnish things irreparably. It could be as easy as one of your sisters not taking no for an answer.”

“No water would do such a thing,” Brook said.

“Not even Mist?” Watcher asked.

“She would harm no mortal,” Brook said. “Though I have the feeling that if she could do so to Blaze, he would already be her lover.”

“You sure do trust your sisters,” I said.

“Of course I do, Nav. I would swear by every one of them.” Hurray for dramatic irony.

“So what is the plan for now?” Zecora asked. “With the elementals focusing on fixing the rain, we would be without them should we enter the fort.”

“Which isn’t necessarily bad,” I said. “I feel like we’d have a pretty decent chance with just us, no elementals. The waters already scouted it out and dealt with the stuff they can handle. We need to go in and clear out the magical traps and hopefully find out what happened to Mist and Blaze. I’m thinking that will be next, after Luna gets the shield up. With luck, that shield will spread past the walls so we can keep the fort from flooding.”

“If we run into another mass of nanites, we might have issues,” Watcher said.

“We had issues with the last batch. With all the unicorns we have, we should be able to teleport everyone out. I’d rather lure something like that out in the open than try to fight it in there.”

“Then I’m all for it,” he said with a nod. “How many squads do you want?”

“Just Sentinel’s crew. We won’t have much room to fight, if it comes to that, and I’d rather not risk too many people against mostly traps. With her squad, Taya, Kat, Twilight, and Luna, we should be fine.”

“Plus, we need to keep the outside secure,” Watcher said with a nod. “Want me to send up a flare for her?”

“It’ll probably take her a while to walk back, so sure. With luck, Luna and Twilight will be done by the time she arrives.”

His horn lit up and a blue flare shot into the sky. “What about Taya and Kat?”

“Hold off. I can almost guarantee she’ll teleport back when called.”

“That eager to please?” he asked.

“That eager to show off. How much you wanna bet she forgets the others?”

Zecora snorted. “I just realized how I can make potions even more bitter!”

“No more bellyrubs for you!” That actually made her look conflicted for a moment.

It was long enough for us to be covered in a huge shield that just barely cleared the walls. We all looked up to the center of the fort, where all the pegasi were hovering around the large floating platform. Luna and Twilight suddenly appeared next to us with a flash.

“It is done,” Luna said, bowing.

“Good job. Watcher, call my little filly for me, please.”

“Of course.” His horn lit up and a green flare shot out. Taya and Kat instantly teleported back. Kat claimed one of my arms and Taya claimed one of my legs.

I gave my good filly her well-deserved ear scritches, making her sigh in delight. When I looked over at the griffins, they all had unreadable expressions. “I got a job for you.”

“We’re here to serve,” their leader said.

“Scout around the wall. Tell the pony squads if there are any places the shield doesn’t cover. Ask the unicorns to start evaporating all water inside the shield.”

“As you command,” the griffin replied with a deep bow. The others followed suit. When they got tired of it, they all shot into the sky, darting off in different directions.

“What’s with all the bowing?” I asked. “Haven’t I specifically requested the opposite of that?”

“Stop being such a good noble lady, then,” Luna said.

“I’m a completely wanton slut. I’m also probably traumatized past the point of no return. I guess I’m kinda decent at strategic decisions and occasionally getting shit done, but I think I pretty much fail at all other aspects of nobility.”

“All that matters is that you’re working to fix it!” Kat said.

“I’m not. I’m reveling in it. Being almost completely apathetic is great. The world starts looking really interesting when you realize that everything is just a means to an end, one way or another.”

“...I don’t understand,” Twilight slowly said.

“The world is full of problems, Twilight,” I said. “People keep looking at those problems the same way, using the same old tired moralistic solutions. If you’re willing to use things others find unholy for good and you’re willing to step aside when the time is right, then you might just be willing to truly change things.”

“Alright, I still don’t understand,” she said.

“That’s because I’m bad at explaining things. But don’t worry, I’ll show you in time. I’ll show you all!”

“It’ll be so much fun,” my daughter said with a giggle.

“I, too, shall enjoy being an instrument of your dark ministrations,” Luna calmly said.

“I’ll always happily serve you, even after you inevitably go mad with power,” Kat sighed with glee, cuddling up closer to me.

“If I can survive under Celestia, I can survive under anyone. At least you don’t make ponies who ask the wrong questions disappear. You know, yet.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys,” I said. “But seriously, all the bowing and shit is unnecessary. You’re just hurting your backs.”

“It is required of us as vassals and servants,” Luna replied. “It is a fact of your new life, a required condition. You cannot escape it.”

My arms crossed and I smirked. “I order you all to stop bowing to me.”

Zecora started chuckling. “Oooh, she got you there!”

“You cannot order us to break an oath we made with you,” Luna said. “We swore to be in obeisance to you always. Bowing is part of how we show our submission.”

“I consider it to be degrading. If you must do something, find a new way to show your submission. I’m sure you’ll figure something out, but the bowing is stopping. At the very least, for my vassals.”

“You are, as you said, a wanton slut,” Luna slowly said. “Would you like us to begin accommodating your desires?”

“I have more than enough bedfellows. You’ll have to figure something else out.”

“I have a feeling this is only inviting trouble, Nav,” Twilight said. “Remember just who your followers are.”

“You mean very loyal and not looking to piss me off just for the fun of it?” I asked. “Because if I know my vassals, their first instinct would be to make me regret that decision. Thankfully, they’re intelligent enough to know that keeping their lady happy is considerably more important.”

“So what’s our next step?” Watcher finally asked.

“Clear all the water on this side of the shield,” I said. “Then we enter the fort. The waters will continue working on the rain problem out here.”

“The shield will hold unless it is completely covered in water,” Luna said. “We will need an exit plan, in that case.”

“Teleport out or hide under a water elemental,” Twilight said. “A shield wouldn’t protect you from that much water. You’d be crushed instantly. It would also likely destroy the bunker.”

“I can’t help but wonder if the elementals did this on purpose,” Luna said. “After all, we did not need their assistance much. They have not had a chance to prove themselves fully yet.”

“Doesn’t matter, because I’m still gonna be pissed that they caused this to begin with. Fixing their own mess means most of the anger is abated, but this is still a pretty major setback.”

“It’s not too late to take a more… proactive approach,” Luna said. “Grant me use of the pegasi and the griffins. We will bust this weather.”

“If it’s still raining when we get out of the fort, that’ll be our next step,” I said. “For now, to be honest, I’d rather go into the fort without the waters.”

“Why?” Cascade and Brook both immediately asked.

“Because I don’t want any of you to do anything stupid in our attempt to rescue your sister. I also don’t want too many numbers. Like I said earlier, you guys have already scouted it out and handled what you could while avoiding the rest. That leaves the magical traps, which none of you are useful against.”

“I wonder what Flo would say about that…” Brook idly mused.

“Probably something about how it’s my choice,” I said. “Contrary to popular opinion, a host, especially an ex-host, doesn’t have to share all the opinions of their elemental.”

“She called you an idiot,” Cascade said.

“Tell her to go fuck herself.”

“She said she’s going with you and that’s final.”

“What?”

Brook giggled, which sounded weird coming from Watcher. “She’s already on her way.”

“That machine is quite attached to you,” Luna said. “Would you like us to remove it?”

“No. Flo is pure.”

Aqua snorted. “Perhaps it would be best to remove that hussy from your life. I can’t have her trying to trick her way back into you!”

“I thought you were wary of her,” Twilight said.

“I reserve the right to change my mind. Start clearing the water. The sooner it’s out of the way, the sooner we can move in.”

“I could do it a lot better with the amulet, mommy!” Taya said.

I pulled it out and tossed it over. “Don’t overdo it. If things go well inside, we’ll continue into the bunker today.”

“I would never do that, mommy!” she replied with a giggle. All the unicorns in the group walked over to the side and started evaporating water for us.

“Did you speak to Gilda before leaving?” I asked Zecora.

“She asked to join us once the fort is safe. I assume she wants to look over the relics.”

“Then we’ll send for her when we’re done. Have you seen any other spirits?”

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “This crater is home to thousands of restless spirits, all with erased purposes, all cut down to unknown ends. I feel that unlocking the secrets of the bunker will put many of them at ease.”

“And have you seen any sign that the bunker itself is haunted?”

The long silence that followed did not make me feel comfortable. When she finally spoke, she sounded faraway. “There is a reason the restless spirits haunt the fort, not the bunker. I can hear the ancient spirits whispering, even from here...”

“Do they sound hostile? I’ve been through hell once. I don’t particularly want to try my luck again.”

“I believe it best if Luna and I do some preliminary scouting,” Zecora said. “All I hear is whispers. But I can feel the spiritual presence from here. Hostile or not, there are many lost souls within.”

“And you didn’t have us then,” Kat said, wrapping her tail around mine. “We would never let anything happen to you, my lady!”

“Good. If it’s anything like last time, I’ll need as many scapegoats as possible. All of the things I fought could be killed, at least temporarily, by my sword. I assume magic would also work.”

“I need an enchanted weapon,” Kat sighed.

“What about that cursed dagger?” I asked. “You still have that thing lying around, Zecora?”

“I do,” Zecora said. “I have developed a more effective countermeasure for it, too.”

“Then give it to Kat. My cursed little kitty should have a cursed little dagger to match!”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Zecora asked. “That dagger is dark and cruel.”

“Just like me,” Kat said, purring. “It truly was made for my paw!”

“Miguel also likely got that blade from Discord,” Zecora said. “We’ve already seen at least two of his curses. Do you want to risk more?”

“I will take any risk in my lady’s service,” Kat said. “I fear no curse. Should it happen, I shall find some way to turn it to my advantage, to better serve my owner.”

“This is why you’re my favorite,” I said. She sighed in delight and snuggled up against me.

“How many females do you tell that to?” Zecora asked.

“None of your damn business, that’s how many.”

“We all know being Navi’s favorite is only temporary,” Kat said. “That’s why we cherish it while we can! When she grows bored with me, I’ll fall from her grace until I win my way back.”

“And what does being favorite grant you?” Zecora asked.

“Praise, cuddles, more attention, and rewards like cursed daggers!”

“My favorite wouldn’t make nasty potions and tonics for me,” I said.

“Your favorite is happy to do any little thing to please her lady,” Kat purred, finally hugging me tightly.

“It doesn’t actually require that,” I hastily said. “Kat has many talents. It would be a shame not to put some to use…”

“You might be surprised at some of my talents, my lady,” Zecora said. “One might say I… have friends on the other side.”

“Spooky.” Before we could continue, I got blindsided by a blob of water that resolved into a bright pink Flo hugging me. Kat pulled away with a hiss.

“I thought you could use your favorite elemental around,” Flo sweetly said.

“I certainly won’t say no,” I replied. “We might need you to keep Mist away from Blaze.”

“Now back away from our lady,” Luna said from behind me. I sighed.

“I’m not done hugging her,” Flo said. “I will let go when I am ready.”

“Stop fighting for attention,” I said. “You’re not in high school anymore.”

“I am protecting you,” Luna replied, stomping a hoof.

“And I am merely hugging my dear friend,” Flo replied, beginning to braid my hair.

“Is the water clear yet?” I asked.

“...It is not,” Luna replied.

“So how much longer do you want to be standing out here?” I asked.

She walked back to the other side and started evaporating water without a word.

“...Are you sure that it is wise to let it so near your head?” Zecora asked.

“Of course it’s wise. It feels super relaxing. It’s the perfect way to prelude plundering a dungeon.”

“If we have time, I would be happy to do the same for either of you,” Flo said, bowing her head toward them.

“I believe I know a way to help the unicorns,” Zecora said. “I will go join them.” She walked off, rooting in a bag with one of her hooves.

“It seems the others truly distrust us,” Flo sighed, finally turning blue.

“The knowledge that you could do anything to us is scary,” I said. “Especially after seeing what Mist did to Blaze.”

“...There are others that worry me as well,” Flo whispered.

“It troubles me to know how deep the mistrust is among sisters,” Kat said.

“It’s for the best that few know,” Flo said. “You see how they treat us now. We’re one big incident away from being pariahs.”

“Then you should take care that such an event not happen,” I coldly said.

“It is beyond me to police all my sisters,” Flo said. “If it were up to me, I would recommend having Brook check everybody. She cannot lie to you and could tell you if someone was infected. That would alleviate some of the tension.”

“That would be unethical,” Cascade said. “We cannot invade others like that!”

“I’m inclined to agree,” I said, though I hated myself for it. “You can’t go around forcing yourself on everyone. That would be wrong.” You hear that, bitch?

“I didn’t take everyone,” Aqua said. “Just Discord’s little puppets!”

“...As you say,” Flo sighed. “It would be wrong to do that to any. And I am sorry for misleading you at the beginning, Nav. I saw a glimmer of hope for the first time in I still don’t know how long. I took it, even though it was wrong.”

“I understand, Flo. I know you are more than machines. You can make mistakes. You can change. It’s not always for the better, but it’s also not always for the worst.”

“...Indeed. I have behaved poorly in the past. That will change, going forward. I shall always be your loyal servant.”

“Cool beans.”

She finally finished braiding my hair and tucked it into my cloak. When it was secure, she pulled back, booped me, and then bowed. “Cool beans to you as well, Nav.”

“That’s a good way of handling her bullshit,” Sentinel said as she walked up. “Throw it right back in her face!”

“Do it,” I said. “I don’t care. It’ll catch on, even if you mock it. It’s memetic, I promise.”

“So what are you shirking on now?” Sentinel asked.

“I am waiting for the unicorns to clear the water so we can enter the fort. How did things look on the way here?”

“We dried as we went. Thankfully, there wasn’t much water. There’s barely any room between the wall and in some cases, none at all. This was one of the exceptions.”

“Then we’ll continue around toward the gate once we’re done here. When we get there, we’ll clear as much as we have to in order to get inside.”

“With your permission, my squad will continue forward and begin there,” Sentinel said. “With luck, we should be about done by the time you arrive. With you, it’ll just be throwing a match into a pool of lava.”

“As you wish. Be careful around the gates.”

“We will. No one is in a hurry to get mind-jacked.” All three of them bowed for a moment before continuing on their way.

“You aren’t gonna get mad at them for bowing?” Kat asked.

“I said no more from my vassals. I understand I can’t change it for everyone. But to me, you are above everyone else but Taya. You swore to serve me and only me. As long as you remember that in all things you do, you have no need to ever bow to me.”

“...You honor us,” Kat said.

“Because I expect greatness from you,” I said. “I reward results. There will come a time soon when power is at our fingertips, Kat. Remember then that you are due your share.”

“All I need is to serve,” Kat replied, placing a paw over my heart.

“Yeah, and there will be things we can do to help you serve better. Things like minions, hirelings, or maybe wards. Or things like armor and weapons. Maybe a personal airship for your own secret tasks.”

“...I will not deny that these things would be useful. However, my place is by your side. I will leave if you command, but I yearn to keep you safe!”

“Then who will assassinate my enemies?” I asked. “Do you expect me to ask Luna?”

“Of course not! Forgive my insolence, my lady… I live to serve at your whim.”

“Though I do like having you close. It has… advantages.”

“So blatant,” Flo sighed, shaking her head. “You really should restrain yourself, Nav.”

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna. I have to do it all the time in Canterlot. Why should I force myself to do it here, too?”

“Practice,” Kat said. “You’re really not very good at it. You should practice decorum at all times so you can improve. You must be the absolute perfect queen!”

“That’s boring,” Taya said. “Don’t ask mommy to kill herself trying to be something she’s not!”

“And don’t presume to tell me what to do,” I said. “You serve me, remember?”

“And I reserve the right to advise you. My advice is to be the perfect queen.”

“Noted. Now, Taya, are we done here?”

“Yep! We’re ready to move toward the entrance.”

“Good. Amulet?”

She stroked the thing around her neck in thought. “I really like it, mommy. Is it really so bad? Your little filly just wants to love and protect you so much that she’s willing to risk a little corruption!”

“Amulet.”

She ripped it off and threw it at me. “Why, mommy?!”

“Stop being dramatic,” I said as I put the amulet away. “Now go join the others. We’re right behind you.” She huffed and puffed, but finally stomped off, muttering. “Also, temper tantrums are cute, not scary!” Her horn lit up and two magic hands appeared behind her, flipping me off. “I’m so proud…”

And so we walked on, clearing the water as we went. By the time we got to the gate, Sentinel had most of it cleared. We helped finish up and soon enough, we were standing on the warm, baked dirt.

“Shall we open the gates?” Luna asked.

“Do it,” I replied, pulling up my rifle. Her horn lit up and the broken gates slowly started swinging open. Twilight shot a light inside, illuminating the slightly flooded interior. It didn’t look like the water got too far, but there were several large puddles. Blaze and Mist were absent. “Our first priority is finding the two lovebirds,” I said. “Flo, can you track Mist?”

“Yes. She is definitely still alive. Whether or not she is with Blaze, however…”

“Well, it’s a start. Luna, Flo, Kat, on point. Taya, Sentinel, rear guard. Twilight, with me. Keep us shielded.”

Surprisingly, I didn’t get any sass or backtalk. Everyone actually did as I ordered and soon enough, Luna looked back my way. “At your word.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and a nice shield covered us all. “Ready.”

“Shouldn’t you let me use the amulet?” Taya sweetly asked.

I pulled it out and tossed it to Sentinel. “Use it in an emergency.”

“Are… you sure, my lady?” she asked.

“Yes.” My daughter huffed and pouted. “And if push comes to shove, get Taya out.”

“And you, naturally,” Sentinel said with a nod. “I could never abandon my lady on the battlefield. It is my place to die in your place.”

“I’d much rather you live for me than die for me, thank you. Taya doesn’t have a backup yet. I do.”

“What backup?” Twilight immediately asked.

“It’s a tree sister thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” she sarcastically replied.

“I can place a seed in my belly button and leave it for a full day, then plant it to create a clone tree of myself. If I should ever die, the clone would wake up with all my memories up to the point when I made the seed.”

“Extraordinary!” Luna said. “So that is how she kept coming back!”

“I want one of those seeds,” Twilight said.

“As do I,” Luna replied. “Several. I know multiple places to plant them.”

“The problem is, I need cherry blossom seeds.” They both grunted. “Yeah, not exactly in season right now. I’ve made a single one already, so I’m fine.”

“And you didn’t tell me?!” Twilight demanded, stomping a hoof. “I was worried about you, Nav!”

“And I appreciate that,” I replied, booping her. “It really shows you care. I was planning on telling all of you in time, when I had more seeds. I wanted each of you to plant one and not tell anybody where. That way, I’ll have several backups all over the place. With luck, I can use them to avoid more horrific mutations, and maybe try to fix the ones I already have.”

“I… don’t understand,” Twilight said. “How can you use perfect clones to fix mutations?”

“Start cutting until I get closer to perfect, taking backups as I go,” I replied with a shrug. “Maybe with enough surgery, I’ll finally feel pretty!”

Twilight’s expression shifted a few times before settling on horrified. “W-what?!”

“I’m not living like this forever, Twilight. I’m sick of this dysfunctional body. It’s freakish and horrific and completely uncomfortable. If I cut pieces off, something else will almost definitely grow back. It’ll probably be tree related, but if it somehow manages to be worse, I’ll just reset.”

“You can’t just—”

“You would be surprised what I can and cannot do, my little Twiggles,” I said, booping her again.

“...Don’t make me regret backing you over Celestia,” Twilight quietly said.

“So let’s get this expedition on the road!” I said, pointing forward dramatically. I kinda wish I had a stool to lean on, but it’s probably for the best that I didn’t. Our group finally started moving into the fort.

It was much cooler on the inside. Everybody’s breath started puffing up. “Should I heat the shield?” Twilight asked.

“Not yet,” I replied. “The chill will keep us alert for a little while. And if we have to fight, we don’t want it to be too warm.”

“So who wants to place bets?” Kat asked. “About whether we’ll find the elementals or not.”

“Mist is still alive,” Flo said. “I will try my best to guide us to her. She is not moving, so it should be easy. I’m hoping she found Blaze.”

“That might not be a good thing. And if she’s not moving, she might be trapped,” I said. “We should proceed with caution.”

“Because we weren’t already cautious enough?” Taya asked.

“When your life is at stake, no caution is too much,” I said. “Sentinel, boop her for me.” Sentinel looked at my daughter in distaste. Taya lifted her nose expectedly, beaming. Sentinel sighed and glared at me while booping my daughter. “Thank you.”

“Cease this foolishness,” Luna said. “I have found our first trap.” Her horn lit up and a rune started glowing on the floor before us. “A rune of shattering, activated by touch. After enough of us passed over it, it would shatter, likely leading to a horrid fate at the bottom.”

“Crack it open,” I replied. “I want to know what’s down there.” Kat reached into a bag and pulled out a… stone attached to a rope. “What the fuck is that?”

“Every adventurer’s favorite tool,” she replied. “An all around multitool! Watch.” She gripped the end of the rope and threw the stone out onto the trap. The rune activated and the floor collapsed. Kat yanked the rock back before it could fall too far. “We can use it to activate traps, clobber guards who aren’t paying attention, distract guards with sound, and so much more! The best part is that it’s completely disposable.”

“The ingenuity of the cats never ceases to amaze me,” Luna said. Kat gracefully bowed. Luna and Flo finally walked forward to peer in the abyss.

Flo pulled back and tried to yank Luna away, but she teleported back. When both were clear, a wad of nanites about Flo’s size shot out of the hole and slapped against the shield. “Ice it!” I shouted.

Luna’s horn lit up and a cone of icy chill shot out toward the machine. It slid off to the side and up the wall, then started trying to run. “No you don’t!” Luna stomped down and the swarm yanked off the wall. “Quickly, ice it!” Taya and Sentinel darted forward and started hitting it with more ice. After almost a minute of struggling, the machine finally went still and then froze over.

“Flo, eradicate it.”

“I have another idea,” she replied. “A machine this size would be much more… pliable for my sisters and I. We should give it to them so they can try to revive it and learn from it.”

“Cascade, send a few sisters to come collect this thing, but I want most of you to continue working on this storm.”

“As you command,” Kat said with a bow.

“Shall we press on?” Luna asked.

“No. I’m not leaving this thing behind us unattended. For now, send a light down in the hole to make sure we got all of it, then find a way to cover the hole. If we have to run, I want an easy way out.”

“Understood. Twilight, your assistance?”

The two of them fucked off to work on that. I looked at the frozen nanites, then at Taya. “Take this thing out of the shield and cover it with your own.”

“That seems unnecessary,” Flo said as Taya rushed to obey me.

“Probably. But it’s for the best.” When it was secure, I nodded. “I feel better already.”

“Always happy to obey!” Taya said.

“And you’re always fun to reward,” I said, patting her head. She leaned into it and sighed in delight.

“So remember when you said I could call you on questionable things?” Sentinel asked. Taya and I both just stared at her. “...You know what, never mind.” I went right back to rewarding my pet daughter.

“I’m surprised you didn’t bring Spike and Felix,” Flo said.

“Neither of them have skills that aren’t already covered here,” I said. “Anything Felix can do, Kat can do. Anything Spike can do, Taya or Luna can do. Again, I didn’t want too many numbers.”

“And when you go into the bunker itself?”

“We’ll need too many numbers. That’s the only way we’ll find anything down there. Assuming, of course, enough of it is accessible. It could take us days or weeks, otherwise.”

“Without an accurate map, that’s assuredly true,” Flo said. “That bunker was deceptively large while you were there. I assume some parts of it will be inaccessible and other parts will be uninteresting, but even exploring the important parts will take some time.”

“Even finding them will be hard,” I said. “I’m sure you probably still have the official, public map in your head, but I don’t think most of the interesting stuff was on that map. Even if they were, it’s been so long that everything in that place is probably all messed up.”

“We shall be very thorough,” Flo replied with a nod. “My sisters and I will make finding hidden or lost passages easy. I’m quite interested in what is left of the black market, personally. It was… quite the armory, wasn’t it?”

“It also had a ton of seeds, medical supplies, cybernetics, and illegal technology,” I replied. “That’ll be one of the primary targets.”

“And the main prize?” Luna asked.

“Anonymous’s lab,” I replied. “Another primary target is the vault from the dream machine.”

“Why don’t we use that to scout?” Twilight said.

“I have tried,” Luna said. “The dome was impenetrable. I could not even get through the forest. It is defending itself.”

“Bummer,” I said with a shrug. “So, how’s the bridge coming?”

“Finished,” Luna replied. Her front legs shifted like she was about to bow, but she stopped herself. After a small grunt, she rushed forward to hug me with her wings. “That is how I shall show my obeisance from now on!”

“No it’s not,” I said, backing away. “Try again next time.”

She looked away with a shiver, then whispered, “As you wish…”

“Don’t do this, Luna.”

“...I shall test the bridge, my lady.” She walked off, making her own shield as she went.

“Tell Cascade to hurry up,” I said, turning to Kat.

“She is almost here,” Kat said. “And would like permission to join us. She didn’t think it was fair that only Flo should get to protect her host!”

“Then how are we going to communicate with the others?” I asked.

“...She wants one of us to become a host to the other sisters.”

“Any takers?” I asked. No one said a word. “Cascade will help escort the… prisoner. I’d rather have more of them outside helping fix this rain, anyway.”

“...As you command,” Kat slowly replied, placing a paw over her heart.

A large blob of water finally turned the corner around the gates and darted toward us. When it finally got close, four sisters broke away and bowed. “We are here for the nanites,” Cascade said.

“Taya?” The shield over the mass lifted. The evil nanites instantly shot toward one of the ponies, but Sentinel blocked it with her own shield. Before it could try again, the waters encircled it. “That’s your only live one,” I said. “After this, we smash them.”

“Your terms are accepted,” Cascade replied from the bubble. “But should we crack the nanites and find a way to disarm their network, we ask that you exercise restraint.”

“Agreed, but forgive me if I don’t hold my breath. Get that thing to the others before it escapes.”

“At once,” she softly said. Just like that, the four of them started drifting off.

“See? I told you those things could survive ice over time!”

“That was no mere ice, yesterday,” Sentinel said. “Luna did something very… interesting.” Onyx snorted and muttered something. “Shut it!”

“Whatever. Let’s move forward, same formation.” We shortly caught up to Luna, who fell into line without a word. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation I knew was coming with her, but boundaries obviously had to be drawn.

Soon enough, we came to a large empty room with paths leading off to the left and the right. “This appears to be a common area,” Luna said, casting her gaze around. “Why would brainwashed, mindless drones need a common room?”

“I don’t think this was a common area,” I said. “There’s nothing here. I think this is where the big blob of nanites was.”

“There don’t appear to be any traps,” Kat said. “Which way is Mist?”

“To the right,” Flo replied.

“And so is Blaze, judging by the fiery footprints,” Sentinel said. They were faint, but they were definitely going right.

“What did the scouts find that way?” I asked.

“More traps and what might have been a lab,” Flo replied. “It goes all the way around the fort. All the rooms are fairly narrow, but long.”

I looked behind us, to the left. “And that way?”

“Housing, we believe. Brook and Aqua believe it is where the guards slept and possibly trained.”

“If there are any holdouts, they’d likely be there,” I said. “I’m hesitant to leave the entrance unguarded.”

“Watcher is moving his command center there,” Kat said. “He’ll meet with the elementals. They’ll keep an eye on it for us.”

“Then we push on,” I said. “To the right. Sentinel, stay vigilant.”

“I earned my nickname for a reason, my lady,” she replied with a bow.

“Good. Taya, keep them safe.”

“Of course, mommy!” One of the guards in Sentinel’s squad snickered. Taya glared at him, but thankfully didn’t pummel the poor guy.

Before we got to the right hall, Kat swung her rock around and flung it through the entrance. It bounced right off and the air shimmered around where it hit.

“Magical barrier,” Luna said.

“Not magical,” Flo said, looking around the wall. “This is technological. Can you not hear the hum of machinery?”

“No, because not all of us are pure,” I said. “Can you deal with it?”

“Perhaps. One moment.” She slithered off to the wall, then began skirting the entrance.

“Say the word and I blast it,” Luna replied.

“I would like this place as intact as possible,” I replied. “Learning how to make something like this would be useful.”

“Perhaps we should have brought the princess after all,” Twilight said. Flo finally started sliding up the wall, still following the entrance.

“No, this is beyond Gilda. She’ll be happy to study it when we’re all safe, but I think she would be more of a hindrance at the moment than a help.”

“I’m surprised you think so little of her,” Luna replied. “After your… proclivities, I thought you would be better disposed.”

“I know what Gilda is… and I know what she is not,” I quietly said. “And I would appreciate you keeping that rumor out of your mouths. The other griffins are suspicious and I don’t want them getting word of it.”

“Then perhaps you should let her spend more time with me,” Twilight said. “After all, I am under no suspicion…”

“All the more time to cuddle with my little filly, I suppose,” I replied with a shrug.

“Or your loving servant,” Kat immediately replied.

“Our lady seems to have no shortage of cuddling partners,” Luna slowly replied.

“I have to find some way to ward off the winter chill,” I said. “All the life leaves my blood. I’ve felt more alive on this trip than I have in months!”

“You certainly look radiant,” Twilight replied. “The flowers suit you!”

“Would you like one?” I asked, lifting up one of the flowers in my hair.

“I would be honored!” she sweetly replied.

I pulled a dagger out and slashed through the stem of the flower. The knife instantly fell from my fingers and I tripped. Twilight caught me and set me down, then floated the cut strand up. It was leaking amber fluid and hurt like a motherfucker! Her horn lit up brighter and the flower floated over.

“Hold still, dear,” she whispered. She lowered her horn against the strand and the flower bound back to it, making me sigh in relief.

“So… not such a good idea, huh?” Taya asked, looking at one of her flowers in wonder.

“No, not so much,” I groaned. That’s all I could say before Twilight kissed me.

When she pulled back, she was blushing. “I’m… sorry, Nav…”

“Don’t worry about it. We didn’t know.” I finally grabbed the knife, pulled myself up, and stretched. “Let’s not do that again, though.”

The shield finally made a loud hum and shimmered again before collapsing with a flash of light. “Convenient timing,” one of the guards muttered.

“Flo’s good like that,” I said. The elemental herself was slithering back toward us, lit up pink.

When she was close, she returned to her normal form. “The barrier is down, my lady. It should not reconnect behind us.”

“We should check the other side,” Sentinel said. “If it’s also blocked, we’ll have to walk all the way back around.”

“Good point. We’ll continue forward. Flo, check the other side and disarm it if it’s guarded. Return to us when you’re done.”

“As you command,” Flo said, bowing her head. She scooted straight toward the other one while we began walking into the tunnel.

We didn’t get very far before Luna stopped. “Another magical trap.” Her horn lit up and a glowing symbol appeared on the ceiling. “Looks like it would freeze whatever goes under it.”

“And a physical trap,” Kat said, pointing at the wall. “The holes are small, but I believe it would shoot darts or spears.”

“A nasty piece of work, overall,” I said. “Take care of it.”

Kat tossed her rock under the rune. Nothing happened. “Heat the rock with magic,” she said.

Luna’s horn lit up and the rock lit up red, making the rope start smoking. Getting covered in a thick layer of frost fixed that, though. Kat tugged the rope back and Luna cleared the ice off.

“Thoughts on the dart trap?” Kat asked.

“Cover the holes?” I asked.

“Our lady always offers such wonderful, inventive solutions,” Luna graciously replied. “One moment.” Her horn lit up and several bricks ripped out of the dungeon wall. She floated them to the holes and then used magic to make some kind of adhesive to attach them. “Allow me to test it.” She clanked into the line of fire with her heavy armor. Nothing happened. After a few seconds, she nodded. “It is clear.”

Flo slid right up behind me and placed her watery hands on my shoulders. “It is finished, Nav,” she warmly said.

“Excellent. Let’s press on.”

We got through three more extremely lethal traps, all fairly easily bypassed. Finally, we beheld another sealed entryway. “How did Blaze and Mist get through these?” Twilight asked.

“It’s possible the walls were activated after they entered,” Flo replied. “It could be why they’re trapped.”

“Then why can we get around them?” Kat asked.

“Because I have more knowledge of human machinery,” Flo said. “I have all the knowledge in Nav’s laptop in my head. I know how to disarm these shields.” To demonstrate, she slid right up to it and started climbing the wall. When she got to a certain point, she flashed and the shield dropped.

“And you thought we didn’t need an elemental,” Cascade smugly said.

“First, need is a strong word. Second, not just any elemental could do this, given that Mist and Blaze are trapped.”

“So what does being pure entail?” Flo asked from next to me. “I’ve done some pretty impure things…”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s check this room.”

“The laboratory,” Luna said as she walked in. “It continues for some way.”

The rest of us followed behind her and finally beheld the long room in earnest. Sure enough, it went as far as we could see. There was all kind of lab shit that I really don’t care enough to list. “Gilda’s gonna have fun in here,” I said.

“You give her all the best presents,” Twilight sighed.

“Hey, you’re free to have fun in here, too. After we clear it. There’s no telling what half of this shit does.”

“And there are traps all over,” Flo said. “Both magical and mundane. We must be careful moving forward.”

“Then let’s get started,” I said. “Three groups. On the left, Luna and Sentinel’s squad. In the middle, Kat and Twilight. On the right, me, Flo, and Taya. Search for traps and disarm them when you find them. Be wary of the lab equipment.” Everyone got back into the new order, spreading out across the room. When we were all positioned, I nodded. “Forward.”

“Mist is still fairly far away,” Flo said as we started moving. “We’ll pass several bends before we get to her.”

“I told that idiot not to go in alone,” I sighed. “And I warned him I would hold it over his head literally forever.”

“Try not to gloat too much,” Flo said, turning light pink. “As amusing as it can be to tweak his pride, I fear he might attack if provoked too far.”

“What a drama queen.”

“Spoken from the lips of the true queen herself,” my daughter sweetly said.

“And if I say it, you know it must be true.”

Kat cleared her throat. “It can be difficult to concentrate on finding traps while there is talking going on.”

“Good thing I have such a skilled team,” I said. I did shut up, though. After all, I very much wanted that skilled team to stay alive.

In lieu of talking, I started looking around. The chances of me spotting a trap were low, but the lab equipment was neat. Most of it seemed to be agriculturally based. A lot of the samples were exotic fruits, things I’ve never seen. If I had to guess, I’d say they were from the forest.

After we had disarmed a few traps, I started looking closer at the notebooks lying around. “What language is that?” Taya asked, looking at the page I was holding.

“English,” I replied. “I can read it perfectly. It’s a note detailing the effects of a fruit made with varying amounts of certain atoms, using the nanomachines to build it perfectly to order. It seems they had everything out there under their control down to the atomic level.”

“Does it say how?” Flo asked, extending to peer over my shoulder.

“No. There wouldn’t be a manual for that. All those things were controlled by the same mind. To be honest, I’m surprised they bothered to keep notes.”

“I have a theory,” Felix suddenly said.

Everybody jumped and turned to him. “Where the fuck did you come from?!” I demanded.

“I followed, my lady,” he replied with a theatrical bow. “If I am to earn an equal share, it is only fair that I do equal work.”

“Flo, give him a cursory one-over. Don’t rape his mind or anything, just check him.”

“As you command.” She scooted on over and poked him in a few key places. When she pulled back, she nodded. “He is clean.”

“Just checking. Tell us this theory of yours.”

“There are legends about this place, my lady,” he said. “Legends that it is a vault that only a single being can open. As the legend goes, the defenders keep several treasures undefended to tempt people in, but going in numbers is deadly. I think these notes are considered treasures. To anyone with a translation spell and a fine enough control of magic, you can make fruits with all kinds of effects!”

“That’s dumb,” Kat said. Several of the others nodded or grunted.

“...So you’re calling me the chosen one?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“You have not yet opened the vault, my lady. Assuming, for that matter, there even is a vault. The place down below is very dangerous.”

“Is it haunted?” I asked. “You’ve been. Surely you would have noticed.”

“I do not believe in ghosts or spirits, my lady.”

“They’re real,” I said. He didn’t look impressed.

“Extremely real,” Luna added. That made him blink.

“And all too happy to kill you,” Twilight said. He flinched back.

“Hold on, I think I know the spell…” Taya muttered. She closed her eyes and her horn lit up, then a light shot over to Felix.

He looked down at himself for a second or two before looking back up at us. His eyes immediately focused on something right over my shoulder. Watching him fall on his ass was surprisingly satisfying. “W-what is that?!”

“That’s the dead Russian bitch who’s haunting me,” I said. “She attached herself to my soulless body after I went through the last human bunker, which was so full of evil ghosts that I almost did not survive the journey.”

“...S-soulless?”

“We’re wasting time,” I said, turning away. “Let’s keep moving. Felix, join Twilight’s group. Help look for traps.”

Kat rankled at the unwanted ‘help’, but thankfully didn’t say anything. Felix shut his trap and joined the line. They all continued hunting for traps, while I started falling behind, looking further into the research. Eventually, we went from agricultural to geological. There were all kinds of rocks, ores, and gems on tables and in cabinets.

“See, this is why people come here,” Felix said. “I mean, that diamond is the size of my paw!”

Not only was it the size of his paw, but it was bright pink and cut into a heart shape. Creepily enough, it was shaped like an actual pony heart, not the Valentines heart. “We’re going to have a fun time looting the hell out of this place,” I said. “And if we can get the nanomachines to make more of these gems, we can basically corner the gem market.”

“We must be wary not to flood it,” Luna said. “If we drop too many goods too quickly, we will saturate the market and make all of the gems worthless.”

“Ah, the DeBeers approach,” I replied with a nod. “Classic.”

“What does that mean?” Twilight asked.

“A couple of decades before I was born, a company called DeBeers was formed. They were a diamond company, but weren’t selling that many. So they used a massive ad campaign to invent the concept of using a diamond to propose for marriage. Over the course of about ten years, they developed an entire cultural icon from scratch. After that, they started buying out other diamond companies and stockpiling massive, massive amounts of diamonds in warehouses to artificially inflate their value by releasing only a few every year. Since they basically had a monopoly on the market, they could set whatever price they wanted.”

“The more I learn of your world, the more I understand how you were so jaded and broken when you arrived in Equestria,” Luna softly said.

“This world hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park,” I sarcastically replied.

“...I suppose not.” That shut everyone up again for a few minutes, until Luna stopped and stared at one of the tables. “Those are blood gems of immense power.”

“How could you tell?” Felix asked.

“Look closely. You can see the small swirls.” Sure enough, when I got close enough, I could see what looked like swirling mists in the gems. “If you have been around them enough, you can also feel them. It requires using many, though.”

“Flo, check them for traps.”

She slid on over and ran her wet fingers over all of them. “As far as I can tell, they’re clear.”

“Cascade, tell Watcher to prepare a loot area,” I said. “We’re going to start teleporting out very high-value goods, in case we have to abandon the fort due to rain.”

“It is done,” Kat said with a nod. “He’s having his troops clear out a small area now. It should be ready in moments.”

“I request first choice on the blood gems,” Luna said.

“You spot something, you get first pick. This goes for high-value stuff only, like blood gems. It’s only fair to give everyone else a chance on the rest.”

“Fair as always,” she replied with a nod. Her horn lit up and one of the gems floated over, a dark red diamond. It flew up to her horn and flashed. When the light faded, it had broken into several smaller chunks, all evenly sized. Each chunk flew into a small slot on her armor, then locked into place. All the magical runes lit up dark red. “I quite missed the feeling of fully powered runic armor!”

“You’re making Taya a suit of that next,” I said. “And then me.”

“As you command,” Luna replied with a bow. “Is the loot area prepared?”

“It is,” Kat confirmed with a nod. “He’s assigned a guard to inventory everything that comes in.”

“Teleport them out,” I said. They all disappeared. “Move on. Keep an eye out for more good shit.”

“For one with such a large bank account, you sure do always seem to want more,” Sentinel said.

“I have plans,” I said. “Big ones. They’re going to require money. Plus, I always make sure to give my crew a good share. At this point, most of you guys could probably afford your own houses and airships.”

“Black Fate’s squad did buy an airship, actually,” Sentinel said. “And hired a crew to fly it. They make trading runs.”

“Smart man,” I said, nodding. “I’m thinking of forming a few academies with… unique curriculums.”

“Have you decided where yet?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, actually,” I replied. “I’m going to convert my old house on the edge of the Everfree into a university. That’ll only be a small part of the final piece, though. I’m going to hire a few monster killers to teach hunting classes so I can start clearing monsters out of that place. If I ever want to make anything out of it, they’re gonna have to go. I’ll have them capture as many as possible and have them shipped to the nearby changeling gem mine, where they’ll be killed over my portion of gems, giving me a decent supply of blood gems. Once we have a nice stockpile, we’ll begin the Tartarus campaign.”

“So, three pegasi with one stone,” Felix said with a smile. “Very impressive, my lady.”

“Yeah, I’m awesome.”

“Agreed,” Luna said. “Such an idea is ingenious.”

“I’d like to spearhead the university project, if you don’t mind,” Twilight said. “I know all about how they’re run and what they need.”

“I’ll ask Moonbeam if she’ll supply changelings to build it,” I said. “But they can do it under your direction. I’d like to keep the aesthetic, I’d like it to be free, and I’d like it to have more human technology.”

“If you want,” Twilight sighed.

Flo reached over and booped her. “Don’t be racist, Twilight.”

“Yeah, Twilight,” I said.

“I thought you were better than that,” Sentinel said, shaking her head at the poor mare.

“I’m not being racist!” Twilight shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “I just prefer my buildings magic-powered!”

“For shame, Twilight,” Taya said, sounding incredibly disappointed. “Poor Doppel will be so hurt!” My poor little Twiggles groaned.

“Are those swirls I see?” Felix quickly asked, jumping to a small, clear cabinet. Sure enough, the gem within was swirling. Oddly enough, it was otherwise pitch black.

“What kind of gem is that?” I asked.

“Tourmaline,” Flo said.

“It’s definitely a blood gem,” Luna said. “Not overly powerful, though.”

“Flo?”

She pulled the cabinet open and pulled it out. “Clear.”

“You saw it, Felix. It’s yours if you want it.”

“What is its monetary value?” he asked. “I don’t have any way of making runic equipment.”

“At the right market, likely two to three hundred bits,” Luna said. “Of course, they’re incredibly illegal in Equestria. Selling them is a very good way to find yourself in an unpleasant fate.”

“I’ll take my chances,” he replied, taking the gem from Flo. “So what is special about these things, anyway?”

“They contain the souls of whatever creature is slain on them,” Luna said. “They’re popular among dragons because they give an extreme strength boost. They’re popular among some mages for the same reason.”

“Oh ho. I wonder what died to make this?”

“Something weak, likely,” Luna said. “It is not powerful, which is why the price is so low. Still strong enough to be valuable, but nothing compared to the others.”

“But it will make a good souvenir, if nothing else.”

Nobody could contradict that, at least. We continued once more. Twilight still looked annoyed, so I knew we had done our job well.

Everybody immediately noticed the next batch of blood gems, since they all lit up when we got close. “I cast a detection spell,” Twilight said. “I figured that would make it easier.”

“That’s not fair!” Taya said. “That means you get the first pick on all of them!”

“Cast your own detection spell,” I said.

“There’s more than enough to share,” Twilight said. “It’s not like first pick means anything for me anyway. I don’t actually have a use for them right now. I do intend to study some of them extensively, though.”

“A wise idea,” Luna said. “If you would like, I can teach you more. Unlocking their power would open many doors for you.”

“That sounds good,” Twilight said. Her horn lit up brighter and the gems disappeared. “Let’s keep moving.”

“It’s a wonder the inhabitants were able to do anything with all these traps in the way,” Luna said. “Each of the magical traps we’ve passed has been deadly.”

“That is not an issue when all thoughts are governed by one,” Flo said. “With the machines to guide their hooves, the guards would easily skip all the traps.”

“Such wretched fates,” Luna sighed. “To lose their minds wholly and utterly to ancient machines… It is good that they are finally at peace.”

“I’m surprised you’d care about them,” I said. “I didn’t figure you put much thought into it.”

“The lives I have taken weigh on me, despite possible appearances to the contrary,” she softly replied.

“I like to keep count,” Kat said.

“I am not surprised,” Luna said. “Unfortunately, not all of us are natural predators.”

Something in front of us very loudly clicked, making me and Kat flinch in surprise. Four different magical shields instantly surrounded the machine that made the noise. Moments later, it exploded.

“...What was that?” Felix quietly asked.

“A motion-activated IED, if I had to guess,” I replied. “IED stands for improvised explosive device.”

“So it’s possible that anything here could explode?” Taya asked.

“Not anything, but anything large enough to hold a bomb.”

Luna cleared her throat. “Then I must warn you… When you blow up a blood gem, it causes a huge amount of destruction.”

“Of course it does,” I sighed. “Twilight, does the detection spell let you know if something is hidden from view?”

“That one doesn’t, but this one will.” Her horn lit up bright and a wave of purple shot out in front of us. “Keep an eye out for shimmers.”

“How far are we from Mist?” I asked.

“If I had to guess, I’d say we’ll see her in ten or so minutes,” Flo replied. “Assuming we continue at the same pace.”

“Then we continue,” I said. “Once we rescue them, we’ll consider options. For now, each group needs to keep a small shield up, and be ready to back up at all times.” Three shields went up and we pressed on, walking around the destroyed machine.

Thankfully, we got past the geology section without running into any rigged blood gems. I guess the nanomachines didn’t really want to risk blowing up half their lab on accident. The next batch of lab equipment seemed to be dedicated to paleontology. We passed several preserved corpses of all kinds of horrifying mutants in tanks of what smelled like formaldehyde.

“Why would they just keep these around?” Taya asked. “It can’t be healthy.”

“It’s possible that the local nanomachines have a personality,” I said. “Maybe they just like collecting weird shit.”

“I don’t recognize any of these things,” Luna said. “Some of them are familiar, but none of them… That one is looking at us.”

We all followed her gaze and sure enough, one of the specimens in the tank was looking at us with pure silver eyes. As we watched, the eyes of all the others began opening as well. “Blast ‘em!” I shouted. All the horns lit up and started destroying all the jars near us. Thankfully, the shields kept us secure against all the glass shards that were flying everywhere.

When it was finally clear, all we could hear was the sound of liquid dripping onto the floor. I finally pulled my sword out and started walking again, boots crunching on broken glass. Everyone followed, of course.

“So why didn’t they activate for Blaze?” Kat asked.

“They might only detect life forms,” I replied. “Or noise. The two of them were probably silent on the way in.”

“Shall we continue slaying them, or wait for provocation?” Luna asked.

“Continue destroying. I don’t want to take any chances. Nothing in this particular lab seems all that useful, so I’m not worried about collateral damage.”

“Wall of fire,” Luna said with a nod. “Five meters away.”

“Unwise,” Flo replied. “The machines will develop a resistance quickly. The host might perish, but the true threat would persist. Allow me to move ahead and clear the way. If they didn’t activate for Mist, they likely will not for me.”

“Pull back if they do,” I said. “I don’t want them ganging up on you.”

“As you wish.” She pressed on, hunting for more jars. When she got pretty far ahead, we followed. Flo was able to avoid all the traps while killing everything for us, so we picked up her slack.

Thankfully, that shitty section wasn’t very large. We got to the next one quickly, which… had fairly large barrels of silver liquid. It wasn’t moving at all, but we all stopped when we got to the edge.

“...Not it,” I finally said.

“I shall go,” Luna said, walking forward. The liquid remained inert.

After several seconds, Flo moved to one of them and prodded the liquid. “It’s not alive. I believe it hasn’t been activated yet. It’s possible that we could reprogram one in this state.”

“How is reprogramming the other one going?” I asked.

“It doesn’t seem interested in talking,” Cascade said. “But we have determined that it was linked to the other machines. They do seem to all share a single mind. The more of it we destroy, the weaker its mind will become.”

“And the rain?”

“...It’s snowing instead,” she quietly replied.

“God dammit, Aqua,” I sighed.

“It wasn’t even my fault!” she shouted in my head. “It was Waterfall this time!”

Cascade didn’t correct me, though. “It should be fixed soon.”

It shouldn’t have been broken at all. “The sooner it’s fixed, the sooner you can join us in scouting.”

“We are aware. It should be soon.”

“Shall we press on?” Luna asked.

“Let’s,” I said with a nod. “Be wary of the liquid, but don’t attack unless it stirs.”

Thankfully, there weren’t too many vats. We got past that section quickly and ran into a large metal bulkhead. “Mist is right on the other side,” Flo said, placing a palm on it. “Though I can’t imagine this would stop her.”

“Cut us a hole, Taya,” I said.

She walked closer and her horn lit up. A bright white glow started at the bottom of the door and then began moving up, cutting the metal as it went. When she had cut a hole large enough for all of us, she pulled the metal back with magic.

Luna and Flo rushed in. Taya and Sentinel’s crew were right behind them. The rest of us followed at a more sedate pace, because nobody seemed to be fighting. In fact, they had all stopped to stare at a machine across the room, where a blood red male water elemental and a fairly calm female fire elemental were stuck in thick jars. Some manner of control panel was in front of them. There was no sign of anyone else. Another bulkhead blocked us from getting further in.

I walked up to the jars and tapped on one. “Can you hear me?” I asked. The water elemental started yelling and banging on the glass. I couldn’t hear it, so I assumed they couldn’t hear us. When I turned back around, Flo was studying the control panel. “What do you think this machine does, Flo?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say it either changes the gender of elementals or it changes the type of elemental. Apparently the water elemental I was tracking was this male, who I assume to be Blaze.”

“Can you undo it?”

“I would like to open it and confirm my theories first. I would also like to know who or what did this to them, so we can be on the lookout.”

“Then find a way to open the pods,” I said. “Everyone else, continue pressing on. Flo and I will stay here and catch up.”

“Are you sure, my lady?” Kat asked.

“Yes. We know whatever did this isn’t behind us and it’s definitely not in this room. Push forward, find it, and kill it.”

“As you command,” Luna said. She walked up to the bulkhead and pressed her horn against it. The entire thing instantly shattered into chunks of rust. She swept them aside with magic and continued on. The others followed.

“Thankfully, this control panel seems simple,” Flo said. “Come take a look.” I walked over next to her and found that all the buttons were labeled in English. From the look of it, her guess about swapping their types was right. “Shall we open it?”

I pressed the release button. The glass jars shuddered for a moment before slowly lifting. Blaze oozed out and Mist tried to step out, but fell on her face since she had never walked on her own feet before.

“So our theory is that this thing changed your types,” I said. “Is that accurate?”

“It is,” Blaze coldly replied. “And you’re going to swap us right back!”

“Fair enough,” I said. “Get back in there and we’ll try to figure this thing out. It shouldn’t be hard.”

“But I can cuddle him so much more easily like this!” Mist said. “Well, once I learn how to stand. Then I can easily overpower him!”

“Flo, help Mist into the chamber,” I said. Blaze snorted a bubble and slid back into his. Flo dragged a complaining Mist back onto her pad. As soon as Flo was clear, I pressed the close button. “So now the fun part begins,” I sighed, looking the rest of the buttons. There weren’t that many and all were labeled, but the choice still wasn’t obvious.

“Allow me to take a look inside,” Flo said as she placed a hand on the panel. Some of her water slid between the buttons and into the actual machine itself. After about a minute of dithering about, she nodded. “I have it.” Just like that, she pressed one of the buttons.

The machine started making a horrific whirring noise before a hose covered the tops of both jars. When they were locked into place, the jars slid open and both elementals started getting sucked inside. Once both were finally gone, it clanked a few times before spitting fire into one side and water into another. Blaze and Mist started taking form again as the machine worked. The whirring finally stopped when they were both complete, then the jars sealed and the hoses retracted.

When the machine was completely still, Flo pressed the release button again. “So how was being a water elemental?” Flo asked as the jar pulled up.

“Awful,” Blaze said. “And you will not tell the others!”

“Whatever,” I replied with a shrug. “Mist, join your sisters on the surface and help them stop the snow. Blaze, come with us and help us clear the rest of the fort.”

“I would prefer to stay with my beloved,” Mist said, turning slightly pink.

“You’re needed more out there. We won’t be able to go into the bunker itself until the weather stops being retarded.”

“Go, sister,” Flo said. “I will guide the young ones.”

“It’s not fair! You always get the fun assignments!”

“That’s because I’m pure,” Flo smugly replied. “Now hurry along. The others will want to know you’re both okay.”

Mist sighed and gave Blaze a longing gaze. He did his best to ignore it. When she got tired of it, she slid out the way we came in.

“So what did this to you?” I asked.

“Several groups of nanomachines,” Blaze said. “They ambushed me and put me in the jar. When they also captured Mist, they turned the machine on. Around half an hour or so ago, they all left the room going both ways and activated the metal doors."

“About when we encountered the first group of machines in that trap,” Flo said with a nod. “They were reacting to our arrival.”

“Which means they’ve prepared more traps up ahead,” I said. “Let’s catch up with the others.”

Blaze took point. I followed behind him, hand on my sword. Flo brought up the rear. The next section of the lab was full of chemistry equipment. There were all kinds of chemicals on a shelf that lined the far wall. Thankfully, each one was labeled.

“So when are you going to start mocking me?” Blaze sarcastically asked.

“Oh, I’m not,” I said. “If your body hadn’t been fucked up, I would. But trust me when I say I know all too well what that’s like. It’s not a fate I would make fun of, nor one I’d hold over your head.”

“...I suppose you, if anyone, would understand,” he slowly replied. “Have you thought more on my offer?”

“To help regrow my limbs?”

“Yes. With me and Char, they should grow back in a matter of weeks.”

“I have considered it,” I said. “And I might take you up on that offer shortly after we get back to Canterlot. I’m done with this bullshit.”

That made Aqua giggle. “Don’t be silly, Navi! You’re all mine now!”

Sharing is caring, bitch.

“Say the word and it will happen,” Blaze said. “The two of us owe you at least that much.”

You know, at least. “Waters could accomplish the same thing,” Flo said. “Though it would take more of us to do it as quickly.”

“If you could trust any of those things in your head again, that is,” Blaze huffily replied.

“At least some of us are pure,” Flo smugly said, placing her pink hands on my shoulders.

“Purely manipulative,” Blaze shot back.

“I think somebody’s grumpy that he was saved by a water elemental!”

“I was saved by Navarone and her crew. You just happened to be tagging along.”

“Sure, sure… because that’s so much better for your pride!”

“I am in no mood for your taunts, you watery tart!” he growled, burning white hot. Flo giggled and finally left him alone.

“How far ahead do you think they got?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Surely not far,” Flo said. “It’s only been a few minutes.”

“Shall I pick up the pace?” Blaze asked.

“No. I doubt they missed anything, but I don’t want to risk running into something because we’re in a hurry. Surely they’ll come across something that will slow them down.”

“With Luna, Twilight, and Taya?” Blaze said. “Somehow I doubt it.”

That was actually a pretty good point. I was hoping we’d catch up, but I doubted the others would wait. “How far do you think we’ve come?” I asked.

“Almost three kilometers,” Flo replied. “I predict about seven more.”

“Once the precipitation stops and we clear out all the magical traps, I want the elementals to comb this place over,” I said. “Along with a few of Watcher’s squads. I want every inch of this fort searched. Those other machines could hide anywhere.”

“We’ll be happy to oblige,” Flo said. “My sisters are quite interested in unlocking the secrets within. Of course, we have to know the fort is safe before we can proceed.”

“With luck, we can find a way to disable the shield and get the ships in closer,” I said. “I’d like the extra support.”

“My sisters didn’t see anything like a control panel for a shield within,” Flo said. “But they may have missed it. They were in somewhat of a hurry.”

“I’m starting to wonder if the others are, too,” I said. “We should have caught up to them by now.”

“Shall we finally start to hurry?” Blaze asked.

“I’m sure that there are no magical traps in our way,” I said. “I’m not sure there aren’t any nanomachines hiding somewhere in our way. I don’t want to hurry through this place until it’s been thoroughly pacified. Until we’re sure it’s safe, we need to tread carefully.”

“Perhaps you should not have ordered the others ahead,” Blaze replied.

“I figured you wouldn’t want them knowing your predicament.” He didn’t have a smart-ass reply for that.

After another few minutes of walking, Blaze lifted a fiery hand. “Body ahead. Not one of ours.”

“Looks like the waters missed a few defenders,” I said.

“Unsurprising,” Blaze snorted.

The body was a fairly sizeable minotaur. His entire rib cage had been ripped out, along with most of his organs. “Flo, check it for nanomachines.”

She slid up to it and poked it a few times. “It’s clean. I advise we pick up the pace. If they run into more, they might need me and Blaze to stop the nanites.”

“I imagine they’ll be fine, but if there are defenders ahead, I’m not missing out on the action. Let’s speed it up.”

Flo swooped in behind me to lift me up. When I was secure, she sped off, easily sliding between the equipment. Blaze began sprinting, throwing everything out of the way. Thankfully, none of it really looked all that valuable.

Before we could really pick up much speed, a group of three more giant minotaurs and a unicorn teleported in. Flo threw me at the unicorn before I could react and Aqua snatched one of my daggers out, using it to slash the unicorn’s throat so deeply that her head almost fell off. I proceeded to fall straight into the floor and slide face-first into a bench.

By the time I shook the pain out of my head, Blaze had brutally destroyed the minotaurs and Flo was dragging a group of nanites away from my feet. When she finished them off, she pressed a hand against my face and the pain went away. “It appears my sisters missed more than a few defenders.”

“I brought my ring,” I said. “Next time, let me use that instead of throwing me.”

“To be honest, I’m surprised you reacted quickly enough,” she replied, handing my dagger back. “Coulda nailed the landing better, though.” When I put the knife away, she hauled me back to my feet. “So, back to going slow?”

“Hell no. I’d rather not get caught flat-footed and magically defenseless again. Let’s catch up as quickly as possible.”

And with that, she picked me back up and we continued. Before we got a few meters away, I pulled myself up to her shoulders and drew a throwing knife. “I never thought I’d be a battle mount,” she said.

“You’re certainly not a comfortable one.”

She melted into Celestia’s shape. “How’s that?”

“Much better.”

The next group to teleport in had one unicorn, a teenage dragon, and three wolves. The knife left my fingers before the light from the teleportation was gone, slamming straight into the unicorn’s throat. He managed to teleport away, leaving the others to fight.

The dragon immediately squared up and started huffing. Blaze jumped in front of us, absorbing the blast as it came. The three wolves darted around the distracted elemental and pounced up at me. Flo surged up around me to stop them, but one slid right through her, ripping me off her back and dragging me to the ground.

It was all I could do to keep the thing’s biting mouth away from my face and neck. When I finally got my feet up to kick it back, I managed to pull out a dagger before it was right back on me. Even with a dagger slammed to the hilt in its belly, it still kept trying to get at my face. Thankfully, I pierced the spine and killed its back legs, so I was easily able to push myself away from it.

Before I could get up and finish it off, Blaze crushed its torso with his flail. “Tch, she can’t even protect you properly!”

“The nanites in the other wolves combined,” Flo replied as she started eradicating the machines pouring out of the dead wolf. “They were able to get through me.”

“We’re not going to get anywhere at this rate,” I sighed, yanking my knife out of the wolf. Unfortunately, it had been partially disintegrated by the machines. “God dammit, this was my favorite dagger!”

“I’m sure Jak will be happy to make you better ones,” Flo said. “Actual daggers, not oversized short swords.”

Mostly disintegrated or not, I wasn’t going to leave a naga weapon behind. I slid it away and remounted Flo. “Shall we?” As we continued, I used a small thing of twine to bind the dagger to the sheath, so it wouldn’t slide out in combat and so I wouldn’t be tempted to try using it again. When it was secure, I drew another throwing knife.

“Your aim with those things is impressive,” Blaze said.

“I had a really good incentive to learn. At the time, a whole lot of very pissed off cats were trying to shove swords in me. Since I had no clue how to actually fight, keeping people well away from me was pretty important.”

“And you did not think to use your time training with a real weapon?” he asked.

“Oh, I did,” I replied. “My choices of trainers were my rapist or a completely and terrifyingly psychotic serial killer. I chose to practice throwing knives instead.”

“...I am beginning to understand more and more of your personality,” he slowly said.

Flo giggled. “It’s amazing what happens when you take the time to actually talk to others!” He didn’t bother replying.

We heard the sound of fighting before we actually saw our group. At the moment, they were surrounded on both sides by several unicorns flinging spells and naga wielding some very unpleasant looking weapons. Their unicorns seemed focused solely on defense and were blocking just about everything my group was throwing at them. The upside is that the naga were incapable of getting through Twilight’s shield.

I put my knife away and slowly drew my sword, trying to be as quiet as possible. Blaze and Flo were completely silent as they crossed the distance, so the enemies had no idea we were there until Blaze brained two of their unicorns with a flail and Flo started absorbing another. The others were too far away, so I jumped off her back toward the last two. At that point, they finally realized we were there and teleported away.

That left the naga in between us and the others, but without the unicorns to defend them, Taya and Sentinel quite literally tore them to pieces. Flo started mopping up the machines that oozed out of the bodies while Blaze and I pressed forward.

As soon as I got to my filly’s side, I pressed my hand on her back and said, “Teleport us behind them.” Her horn lit up and the two of us appeared on the other side of the group. Their attentions instantly turned toward us, but she blocked the naga with her own shield and started slinging magic at the unicorns.

Now that they were surrounded, they tried teleporting out. All five of them seemed to phase out for a moment before reappearing with a fizzle.

“Put a shield up behind the naga attacking the others,” I said. As soon as Taya’s shield went up, Twilight dropped her own while Sentinel and Luna wrecked the naga. Once they were clear, the unicorns tried hitting us with their own spells, but they couldn’t focus on both attack and defense. Taya dropped the shield blocking the others from the hostile unicorns.

“TAYA, FIRE RESISTANCE!” Luna shouted. Our shield turned red and a huge swath of blue flames covered us for about fifteen seconds. When it was over, nothing was left of the enemies between us, not even ash.

Before I could give more orders, the others rushed forward to clear the gap between us. When we were all together again, Twilight raised a new shield. Everyone spread out to fill in defensive gaps around the perimeter of the shield, not that I really expected much to be able to pierce it.

“Keep that anti-teleportation field up,” I said. “The nanites are trying to preserve as many unicorns as possible. As soon as they’re injured or outnumbered, they run. Everyone else seems to be disposable, though.”

“If I keep the field up, they can’t get to us,” Luna replied. “And if they can’t get to us, we can’t kill them.”

“Then cast it again as soon as more appear. Cascade, how the hell did the scouts miss so many survivors?”

“I doubt they were hiding in the fort,” Cascade replied. “We believe it likely that they are coming from the bunker itself. As it so happens, we aren’t the only ones being attacked. Watcher has had to pull all of his guards back to the gate.”

“They only hit us when we started rushing,” I said. “When did they start attacking you guys?”

“When we started rushing,” Sentinel replied.

“...Why were you in a hurry? You knew we were behind you.”

“That is why we were in a hurry,” Luna said. “I was hoping to clear the fort before you caught up to keep you out of harm’s way.”

“Don’t be a silly filly, Woona,” I said, reaching up to boop the nose of her helmet.

She stopped me with magic before I could touch her. “Don’t. My armor is unfinished. Touching me while it’s on would be unwise.”

Everybody else took several steps away, but I met her gaze. “You’re not that dumb. You’re bluffing.”

Her magic released me. “Do as you will.” I reached out and booped her. Absolutely nothing happened. “It truly does seem that there’s no escaping the indignity.”

“She does it because she loves us!” Taya happily replied. “Accept it from your lady as a sign of honor.” Sentinel sighed in disgust. “Sounds like somebody needs a boop!”

“We should keep moving,” the mare replied. “We’ve already been caught in one ambush.”

Unfortunately, she was right. “Luna, Blaze, Kat, take point, five meters ahead. Keep an eye out for traps on all sides. Sentinel, Twilight, center. Sentinel, prepare for fast response. Me, Taya, Felix, and Flo will guard the rear, five meters behind you. Each group maintains their own shield, but everybody be prepared to drop your own for a single shield. Focus on killing unicorns the instant they appear. We need to whittle down their teleporters.”

Everyone fell into line with a fairly minimal amount of grumbling. When we were all in place, the procession started.

“So has anyone else wondered how they have so many troops?” Felix asked as we walked. “Surely there aren’t that many adventurers coming here.”

“The bodies I have absorbed have all had perfect regeneration,” Flo replied. “Something in those nanomachines seems to be able to keep them alive longer than we can keep our hosts alive.”

“That would be a fun secret to crack,” I said. “What’s the status of the snow?”

“The snow has stopped,” Cascade replied. I gasped in surprise. “But the trees are still growing and showering us with debris.”

“Debris that we can much more easily burn back now that it’s not snowing. Is Watcher still holding?”

“The attacks have stopped,” Cascade replied. “We think they might be linked.”

“There’s no way that hurrying in this place can trigger encounters,” I replied. “I refuse to believe this is a video game.”

“It is merely a hypothesis. As it is, now that we know there are attackers, we are less inclined to enter and leave your soldiers alone. You have most of the heavy magic hitters with you.”

“Watcher ain’t bitchmade,” I said. “But I’m inclined to agree. If this thing can give its followers perfect regeneration, there’s no telling what might be waiting for us here, what species of times long past and magicks of old that might be gathered...”

“You’re being dramatic again,” Taya whispered, bumping against me.

“Eh. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s ahead. I hope we get to kill some stuff that makes neat trophies. We can mount the heads at Stormview!”

“That wouldn’t be good for your ladylike image,” Flo replied.

“All the better!”

“Can we mount Celestia’s head?” Luna asked. “I think it would look wonderful above your new throne.”

“Nav would never do that,” Twilight said. “Besides, I think it would send the wrong message for the start of her reign.”

“Although I might keep her horn as a trophy,” I said. “I just won’t display it.”

“So you truly are serious about your ambitions?” Felix asked.

“I am. Is that a problem?”

“It’s no fur off my back,” he replied with a shrug. “All the chaos that will come with her death will definitely make certain… activities easier.”

“If I catch you stealing in my new kingdom, you probably won’t find yourself receiving a deal for leniency,” I replied.

“All the more reason not to get caught!”

“Why would you ever even need to steal again?” Twilight asked. “When we finish here, you’ll be so wealthy you could retire ten times over.”

“I could have retired a decade ago,” he scoffed, waving a paw. “But where’s the fun in that? I do so enjoy my work! And you really shouldn’t overlook my services so quickly, my lovely Lady Navarone. I know of all kinds of powerful artifacts in ruins of old that I’ve merely lacked the resources to obtain! With your assistance, I could loot all the famous dungeons, bringing you power beyond measure!”

“And what do you bring to the table that Kat doesn’t?” I asked.

“Sanity, for starters.” Kat hissed at him, but he did kinda have a point. “I am a master of infiltration and stealth. I have fifteen years of experience as a thief, stealing things both large and small. No lock, pocket, or gem is safe from my paws. I am one of the most notorious thieves alive, my beautiful princess-to-be! Surely my services are worth more than whatever that bedraggled thing brings to the table.”

“Kat?” I asked with a smirk.

“I am an ex-assassin, trained by the official clans of the Egyptian government. I have killed thousands, cutting my way through battlefields, parties, back alleys, and wherever else my prey sought to hide. If I want somebody dead, it is only a matter of time. My paws are cursed such that one opens any lock and the other seals any door, so no lock in the world can protect you from me. If I so choose, I could slit your throat in your sleep and be gone before any guards even noticed.”

“So you’d rather have a cut throat murderer by your side than an honest thief?” Felix asked.

“She’s cute and cuddly,” I replied with a shrug.

“She’s bragging about how quickly she could kill me!”

“Sounds cute to me,” Luna said.

“And how could she be more cuddly than me? Her fur is so thin and bristly! I mean, look at me! I’m all soft and fuzzy!”

“Nav has weird standards,” Twilight sighed. “She thinks changelings are cuter than ponies!”

“I refuse to accept that,” Luna immediately said. “We must change her mind.”

“Would you like Taya to teach you how to be cute?” Flo asked. “I think it would do wonders for you.”

“No giving Luna an ultimate weapon,” I said. “She would misuse her cuteness.”

“And Taya doesn’t?” Sentinel asked. “She uses it to manipulate you all the time!”

“Taya misusing her cuteness leads to bellyrubs. Luna misusing her cuteness might lead to heart attacks.”

“So why don’t you like me?” Felix finally asked. “I’ve been trying to figure it out. You surround yourself with such monsters, yet you act like simple thieving goes too far!”

“You’re proud of being a thieving scumbag. Neither Luna nor Kat asked for their shitty pasts and both are trying to be better. You’re bragging about how you’re going to go right back out to thieving and being a piece of shit as soon as this is over.”

“Unless I had royal support, like I mentioned,” he said. “In which case, I would be happy to loot old ruins, turning to a life of dungeoneering instead of crime! It’s not like I haven’t considered it in the past. I’ve just never had enough support to make breaking into the real treasure troves worth the risk. But with the kind of group you’ve built, such a thing would be a walk in the park! And on the plus side, you can keep your horrifying murderer by your side for all the cuddles you could ever want.”

“Eh,” I replied with a shrug. He sighed and finally shut up. It was certainly something worth considering, but I really didn’t want to keep putting up with him. Then again, since Aqua was probably going to completely erase my personality anyway, it’s not like it would matter that much.

A few more minutes slowly passed by in silence. Nothing else teleported in and it felt like everybody was starting to relax again. Luna finally looked around and said, “It appears the attacks have stopped. I am not sure what would cause them to strike while we move quickly.”

“It would be easy to test,” Twilight said. “We can just send a group forward quickly, then support them if they’re attacked.”

“But it also risks getting Watcher attacked,” I said.

“I wonder if it would also happen if anyone on the wall moved quickly,” Flo said.

“Cascade, warn Watcher,” I said. “We’re about to do an experiment.”

“One moment,” Kat said. A second later, she nodded. “He is prepared.”

“Luna, take your group and hurry forward. We’ll follow at a slower speed and catch up if you get attacked.”

After taking a few seconds to gird themselves, her group picked up the pace. When they got about thirty meters away, a group teleported behind us. As soon as my squad spun to face them, another group teleported in front of Twilight’s team.

The group attacking me was nothing but five unicorns, who all immediately started slinging magic at Taya’s shield. “Back up!” I shouted, gently tugging my daughter’s tail. We started backing away from the attackers, toward Twilight’s shield. I didn’t know what they were fighting, but we’d be a lot more effective with fewer shields.

Since none of their unicorns had a shield, I finally pulled up my rifle and shot one of them through the face. He tumbled to the ground and one of them threw a shield up. The other three continued trying to overwhelm us, but we finally linked up with Twilight and fell under her shield.

Even with Taya slinging magic on one side and Sentinel slinging it on the other, we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. Every time the enemy’s shield got weak, another unicorn would take it over, keeping them secure.

Finally, a red glow caught my attention. I looked back and saw that Sentinel was wearing the alicorn amulet. She smiled grimly and her horn and eyes turned pitch black. A gross miasma shot forward, seeping right through the shield of the unicorns in front of her. They started melting where it hit them. When two were nothing but twitching masses of flesh on the floor, the other three teleported out.

With that side clear, she turned her attentions to the other group. Instead of using the creepy melting spell, she drew my sword and threw it straight through both shields and into the face of the unicorn holding the shield. Taya immolated the remaining three before they could escape or put up another shield.

“Well, I guess that confirms that,” Twilight said.

“Take that amulet off,” I said.

“Gladly,” Sentinel replied, shivering. “I never thought I’d be powerful enough to cast that spell!”

“What was it?” Taya asked. “I’ve never seen a spell that could so easily go through shields!”

“It’s one Watcher told me I wasn’t allowed to share. I think I’ll be following his advice and keeping it to myself.” Taya pouted for a few seconds, then looked at me expectedly. I ignored her.

Flo was already policing the bodies, so that wasn’t an issue. Luna’s group was on their way back. It didn’t seem like they had been attacked. They got to us right as Flo slid my sword back in its scabbard for me.

“So it seems our theory is confirmed,” Luna said. “Splitting up and rushing seem to be causes for assault.”

“Possibly from all sides, instantly, with no warning, and with no indication of what might be attacking you,” I said, crossing my arms. “And with absolutely no way of knowing how many enemies might be left.”

“That leaves us in something of an awkward spot,” Twilight slowly said. “We can’t really consider the fort secure until we clear out the enemies in the bunker.”

“And on the flipside of that, I’m not comfortable continuing into the bunker until we comb the fort,” I said. “I don’t want to leave any hostile groups of nanomachines behind us.”

“We might not have a choice,” Flo replied. “As Twilight said, teleporting an elemental doesn’t seem to be possible. However, teleporting a host is a nonissue. If enough hostile hosts teleported in, they could drop off a group of machines. Then they could teleport out and repeat the process.”

“Is there a rune combination that would block teleportation permanently?” I asked. “Or at least, until the rune was erased?”

“I’m not sure,” Luna said. “One would assume the circle of protection around the fort would stop them from teleporting in at all.”

“They’re under the same circle,” Twilight said. “They can teleport all they want inside it.”

“If we can’t figure out a way to keep them in their fucking hole, we might as well pull back right now,” I said. “There’s no reason to bother clearing this place if they’ll just pop right back in when we leave.”

“There is no shame in falling back,” Luna said. “I am eager to see what lies ahead in this fort, but I am just as eager to delve into the bunker.

“We could continue whittling their numbers down,” Blaze said. “If we plan properly, we could trigger ambushes and quickly eradicate the attackers.”

“If that is our plan, we should pull back and consolidate first,” Flo said. “It would be wise to have more of my sisters when we try fighting.”

“I’d rather defend a fixed position than run into ambushes any day,” I said. “We pull back. I’ll take control of the defense up top. Luna and Blaze will each pick and lead a team pushing into the fort, triggering as many ambushes as they can and clearing traps as they go. When the fort is clear of traps, we’ll regroup and discuss options.”

“I would prefer to stay by your side, Nav,” Luna said. “You might need your battle mount.”

“And I would prefer not to have to repeat myself, but here we are. Let’s start falling back.”

Much to my surprise, everyone obeyed with no more backtalk or sass. Luna decided to float me onto her back before we could get too far and everyone took up positions around us. Honestly, it felt awkward and slightly condescending.

“So what happened to asking permission before magicking me around?” I asked.

“Perhaps giving you rides is how I’ll begin showing obeisance,” Luna replied. “I can think of nothing else that more aptly showcases my submissiveness.”

“Nope, try again next time,” I said. “I don’t want a ride every time you feel like showing off. I would probably never get to walk.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Kat asked. “You would be as safe as possible!”

“My daughter couldn’t bump up against my leg and I couldn’t get her ear scritches as needed. Plus, you couldn’t cuddle up against me.”

“You are not making this easy on me,” Luna sighed.

“I have faith that you’ll endure,” I replied, patting her on the neck. “Surely you can come up with some nondegrading, convenient way of expressing loyalty that everybody around you won’t find awkward and uncomfortable.”

That didn’t seem to merit a response.

After a few long quiet seconds, Blaze snorted a plume of flame. “Have you ever wondered if you should perhaps temper your speech?”

“Yeah, I did,” I said. “But then everybody complained that I was lying all the time because I didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or cause any conflict. So I decided fuck it, might as well tell the truth. If they’re going to be pissed at me anyway, what’s the point in lying? I mean, sure, there are times when it’s convenient not to say everything that’s on your mind, but bandying words and spouting nonsense platitudes just gets dull.”

“Diplomacy is a very important virtue as a ruler,” Luna quietly said.

“And in the end, honesty triumphs. After all, you catch more flies with vinegar than honey.”

“That’s not how the saying goes,” Twilight said.

“The saying is fucking bullshit. Put out apple cider vinegar in one bowl and honey in another and I guarantee you the flies will go straight for the vinegar. We used to have fruit flies all the time because my parents were shitty. My sister and I would cull them with vinegar in a bowl with some soap in it to break the surface tension. We’d kill them by the hundreds.”

“That’s… awful,” Sentinel whispered.

“No it wasn’t. Fuck those things. I’m glad we killed them.”

“I meant… never mind.”

After about a minute of silence, Twilight groaned. “Oooh, you did it again! You used a really sad or awkward thing to shut down a conversation you didn’t like!”

“So you think my childhood was sad or awkward?” I asked.

“Yes! And I think you use it and other sad things to your advantage to change the subject all the time!”

“I’m sorry you think my contributions to conversations are attempts to kill it. If you don’t like talking to me, I’d be just as happy to stop talking entirely.” For some reason, that made Taya giggle.

“Guilt is another method you use,” Kat said.

“Fine.” And just like that, I shut up. The conversation continued, but I stopped paying attention entirely.

Getting out of the fort took a lot less time than marching into it. The lack of traps and barriers helped with that. We didn’t run into any more enemies, likely due to the fact that we were grouped up and not hurrying.

I’m pretty sure that just about everyone was extremely pissed off by the time we got out, but it was hard to tell since I wasn’t really paying attention. Being ignored seemed to put them in a bad mood.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t act like a child forever. When we finally got up to the top of the tower, where Watcher’s command post was, I knew the jig was up. “Report,” I said.

“It’s been all clear for the last twenty or so minutes, my lady,” Watcher said. “Around the time you started pulling back.”

“We’re going to try a new strategy,” I said, finally sliding off Luna’s back. “Two teams are going into the fort to trigger ambushes. One team will stay up top and hold the wall. With luck, we can wear their numbers down out here before we get in the bunker.”

“As you command. Who is going with which group?”

“You and I are leading the defense,” I said. “Blaze and Twilight will lead one group, Char and Luna will lead the other. I’ll let you guys sort out who goes where.”

Luna was first up to bat. “I still think my place is here with you, my lady.”

“Your opinion has been noted. I’ll be keeping Flo and Taya for sure. I’ll let Brook dictate where the rest of the sisters go.”

“Is our primary place not here, protecting you?” she asked.

“Can everybody stop being extremely overbearing for like five fucking minutes? It’s really, really annoying. I’m not a fucking child.”

“Says the one who just gave us the silent treatment for half an hour,” Twilight muttered.

“You’re on tummy-rub timeout, missy.” She and Taya both gasped in horror. “Make reasonable choices. Each group will need to be self-sufficient and capable of either pulling back quickly or turtling up until help can arrive.”

“Who’s getting the amulet?” Taya asked.

“I’ll be holding onto it,” I said. Sentinel floated it my way with a relieved sigh. “I have a feeling we’ll have a harder time of it out here.”

“I shall take Sentinel’s squad, Zecora, and four water elementals,” Luna said. “Aqua, Mist, Rain, and Raine. Now, I shall begin constructing your defensive positions.”

“We’ll take Black Fate’s squad, Felix, and another four waters,” Twilight said. “Blaze, do you have any preference?”

“Brook, Carl, Flumen, and River. With luck, they’ll continue remaining mostly silent.”

“That leaves me with Flo, Ice, Naiad, Cascade, and Waterfall,” I said. “And Spike, Watcher’s squad, Taya, Kat, and the griffins. I feel like Spike and the griffins will be more useful in the open, plus we’ll likely end up needing more numbers, given we have more ground to cover. Any objections to these teams?”

“None of the elementals in Luna’s group have hosts,” Brook said. I beg to differ. “Would it not be better for them to take Cascade and leave another here?”

“You can take some of each other inside of you,” I said. “And talk that way. You don’t need to infect us to enable communication.”

After a few seconds of staring at me in silence, all the water elementals merged into one blob. An instant later, they all fell back into their own shapes. “It is done,” Brook said.

“So what happened to the hostile nanomachines?” I asked.

“When you decided to pull back, we eradicated them. We wouldn’t be able to keep it secure while split up. That enabled us to focus on the trees. We’ve finally gotten them to stop growing. They’ll still tower over us, but they’ll stay where they are.”

“We’ll cleanse the place with fire later,” I replied. “As soon as Luna finishes whatever she’s doing, we’ll split up.”

“It would appear she’s drawing a circle of protection,” Watcher said. We looked over and sure enough, Luna was drawing a circle of protection on the wall a dozen meters away. When she was just a few strokes away, she stopped and teleported to our other side, where she started drawing another.

“Those will be our fixed positions,” I said. “I’ll be on one side with Taya and Flo. You take the other with your squad and one of the waters. The others will stay in the middle.”

“The middle will have no magic,” Watcher said.

“We can put up an anti-teleportation barrier before we leave,” Twilight said. “It’ll mean they won’t be able to teleport to the center. They’ll have to go around the circles of protection.”

“Unless they have alicorns,” Watcher quietly said.

“What was all that shit about jinxing things?” I asked. “Come on, bro.”

“Taya, let me show you how to finish this circle,” Twilight said. “Come with me.” The two of them walked over to the unfinished circle, probably secretly conspiring to get Twilight out of time-out.

“Do you know how to finish one?” I asked Watcher.

“I do. Are you sure splitting up like this is the right move?”

“You have a better idea?” I asked. “We can’t all go inside and scout. We have to watch the wall and the hole. There’s no telling what else is up there and we don’t want them to man the place again. And I won’t feel comfortable going into the bunker until we make sure there are either no or very few nanomachines left in the fort.”

“I know… I just don’t feel comfortable with two of my unicorns down and out for the count.”

“We can’t exactly just ferry in support,” I said. “We have to work with what we have.”

“Why not?” Sentinel asked. “We have a teleportation circle. Getting support would be trivial.”

“Because who the fuck is going to come?” I asked. “I’m not exactly on good terms with Celestia or the unicorn tower. I can’t imagine who else would have super powerful mages to just throw around, and would be willing to let us just borrow a few. We could ask Moonie, but I’d hate to know what she’d demand in return. Plus, I have some doubts about the usefulness of her soldiers, even the sapients.”

“What about Shining Armor?” Watcher asked. “I think he owes you a few favors.”

“Spike, can you send them a letter?” I asked.

“I don’t think it would work in here. We’d probably have to go to the ship. And with the range, it might take a little while to get there.”

“Then we’ll do it the slightly harder way. Watcher, take Spike back to the ship. Write a letter to Shining Armor asking for his help. Explain that we need to borrow a few competent combat unicorns to replace some losses. Then get some of the crew to use one of the circles to teleport to the Crystal Empire and deliver the letter to either Shiny or Cadance in person. You two return as soon as the letter is dropped off. If Shiny is able to send support, the ship unicorns can bring them back.”

“Should we mention you-know-who?” Spike whispered, discreetly pointing to Luna.

“No. That motherfucker owes me plenty. It’s high time he delivers. I don’t want his pesky morals potentially getting in the way.”

“I could leave Spike here and write the letter myself,” Watcher said.

“Spike has experience writing letters for me. He’ll know how to make it sound authentic.”

“A bunch of curse words, insults, and innuendos,” Spike replied with a shrug. “It’s usually pretty simple.”

“Then we leave at once.” Watcher walked over to the new teleportation circle, where several boxes of blood gems had been set aside. “Shall we take these back as well?”

“Yes. I don’t want to leave them just sitting around. Have them placed in the cargo hold for now, with a huge warning sign.”

He used magic to float the boxes over while Spike joined him in the circle. “We’ll be back soon,” Watcher said when they were ready. His horn lit up and they both vanished.

Luna got to the same point on the other circle and started walking back over. Twilight and Taya were also on the way back.

“We’ll delay leaving until Watcher returns,” Char said.

Apparently that meant open season on laziness. The guards broke off into squads and started eating and talking. The water elementals started teasing Blaze about getting trapped. Kat sidled up to my arm and clutched it with a happy sigh. Taya claimed her spot on my other leg. Luna stared at me impassively for a few uncomfortable seconds before walking over to Char and talking to him. Twilight took pity on Blaze and rescued him before he could hurt any of the waters.

Basically, the fairly standard shenanigans.

Sure enough, Watcher didn’t take very long at all. They joined us with a flash not five minutes after leaving. “The letter has been sent, my lady,” he said. “Gourd went himself. I figured it would be appropriate to send your vassal as a messenger for royalty.”

“It was,” I said.

“And Princess Gilda wanted you to have this,” Spike said, holding up a slightly damp paper bag. I opened it, revealing boiled peanuts. “Apparently they’re high in fat and protein and make good snacks for warriors, or something,” he said. “She was very insistent that you eat them.”

“Very insistent,” Watcher confirmed with a nod.

“I’m not gonna say no to a gift from royalty,” I said. “Now let’s get this show on the road. Once we get our circles complete, you guys can dip.”

“Are you sure you don’t desire my presence?” Luna asked.

“It’s not a matter of desire. It’s a matter of necessity. You are probably the most lethal person here. I’m not going to use your talents to defend a gatehouse. Instead, you are going to seek and destroy.” She sighed and looked away.

I ignored the attitude and finally started walking to the circle on the left. Kat, Taya, and Flo joined me. Watcher led his squad and Cascade to the one on the right. When we were in place, Taya finished the circle and we were quickly covered by a brown shield. Watcher’s went up a moment later.

Just like that, our defense of the fort began.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Three

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Three

“So how are the peanuts?” Flo asked after a minute or so of silence.

“Pretty decent,” I replied with a shrug, tossing a few shells into the hole leading to the bunker. It was so dark down there I really couldn’t see anything, unfortunately. “Certainly not the most convenient thing to be snacking on in between fights, but they’re definitely good.”

“I can only assume this is the start of Gilda’s courtship,” Flo quietly continued. “Judging by the way she looks at you, I’m surprised she waited this long.”

“She’s gonna have to do a lot better than peanuts!” Taya said. “Twilight could beat that with her hooves tied behind her back!”

“There’s a joke in there somewhere about BDSM,” Kat idly replied, looking her crossbow over for any wear and tear. “A part of me is surprised the princess would be interested in trying to court our lady. Aren’t the griffins usually traditionalist? What would her father think?”

“What her father thinks doesn’t matter,” I said. “He’s very much on the way out, unfortunately. What her oldest brother thinks will be what matters. And I gotta say, the jury’s still out on that one. To be honest, I doubt he’d mind too much. After all, he knows my worth. And when I show up wearing Celestia’s crown, it’s not like he’d be in a position to tell her no.”

“We’ll get you a better crown than that rusty ol’ thing, mommy!”

“Good. It’s surprisingly heavy. My arm kinda hurt after I stole it that one time.”

“You stole Celestia’s crown?” Kat asked.

“Snatched it right off her head,” Taya said with a smug grin. “Twilight was furious!”

“To be fair, I was not in my right mind,” I said. “And if it had actually upset her, Celestia wouldn’t have let me do it. Instead, she used it as a test for her wonderful student, a test that she very quickly and hilariously failed. If it hadn’t directly led to Twilight horrifically raping me and then almost murdering me, I would say it was a definite win.”

“I thought you didn’t remember much of that week,” Flo said.

“It comes and goes in waves. I still occasionally get flashes to that night I got drugged and then used like a sex toy by dozens of mares and possibly a few stallions, but they don’t usually last very long.”

“...It seems the list of those who have taken advantage of our lady is longer than I thought,” Kat quietly said.

“Yeah, well, you know,” I replied with a shrug. “All poison under the bridge, now.”

“I thought the saying was water under the bridge?”

“Water under the bridge refers to things that are inconsequential,” I said. “Poison under the bridge refers to things that are slowly worming their way through your mind, darkening your every interaction and slowly driving you to more and more destructive forms of coping. I mean, did you expect all that awful trauma to have no consequences? I’m straight up mentally fucked. The fact that everyone expects me to actually lead the world is honestly kinda laughable and I have a feeling it’s going to spectacularly explode in all our faces.”

“...It can be difficult to know when you’re being serious,” Kat slowly said.

“Yeah, I bet.” I started munching on peanuts again while Taya pulled my braided hair out and started playing with it.

“She is unfortunately telling the truth,” Flo sighed. “The darkness in her mind is like a toxin. I wearied myself battling against it and in the end, turned to… more aggressive means.”

“Why not just remove it?” Taya asked. “I mean, you’re a water elemental. Wouldn’t it be like flipping a light switch?”

“It would,” Flo said with a nod. “A light switch that could likely never be flipped back off. I couldn’t do that to your mother. She would never forgive me. I’ll admit that I was tempted, but fixing a problem is considerably better than removing a problem.”

“Why?” Kat asked.

“First, when you work together to fix something, your bond grows all the tighter. Second, to fix a mental issue, one must first determine the cause of the mental issue. Merely removing it won’t prevent it from happening again. Third, the lessons you learn while fixing a problem can be applied to other problems. If I were to just remove every stumbling block from your mother’s path, she would never learn a thing. She would just keep marching blindly forward, never stopping to look back or consider consequences. Fourth, and this one haunts me the most deeply… there isn’t much left in her mind aside from the darkness. If it was altogether removed, there might not be much of our lovely lady left. In her story about stealing the crown, the reason she was not in her right mind is because she tried asking Chrysalis to feast upon the darkness in her, removing it entirely. Even Chrysalis was wary and only took a small amount, a small amount that was still devastating to Nav’s mental state.”

“Wallow in the darkness long enough and the light will burn when you return to it,” I mumbled around peanuts.

“Precisely,” Flo said with a nod. “We have almost lost Nav on many occasions. She has always managed to come back from the brink. But every time, she came back darker, a little less complete. The emptiness in her smile haunts me. The dullness of her eyes terrifies me. The dead, droning voice worries me. She has been abused well past her breaking point. Truly, a part of me is concerned that should she ever get a soul, she’ll immediately go insane.”

“Cool story, bro,” I said. “Coulda used more aliens, though. Maybe some explosions, too.”

“...I believe we should have a meeting of vassals when we return to Canterlot,” Kat said. “And I’d like you to join us, Flo.”

“She’s not one of my vassals,” I said.

“I can fix that,” Taya said. “I can make vassals, too!”

“You can make a vassal,” I said. “Remember: The amount of vassals we’re allowed to have is directly related to how much land we have. Since you don’t have any land, you’re capped out at one.”

“What about the Everfree?!”

“That’s my land,” I said. I almost tousled her mane before remembering that my hands were covered in peanut juices. “And it will continue being my land as long as it takes for you to stop trying to torture me by recruiting more vassals.”

“I resent that,” Flo said.

“Yeah, well—” The sound of Kat’s crossbow cut me off. I immediately dropped the peanuts and yanked my rifle up, aiming at the group of enemies that were teleporting in right on the other side of our shield. One unicorn was already down and Kat was reloading. A shield went up around them right as I pulled the trigger, sending my shot rebounding off.

Since that option was gone, I spun to the other side, where another group was attacking Watcher. They didn’t have a shield up yet, so I fired three rounds into one of their unicorns, sending him to the ground. One of the others raised a shield, so I turned back to the closer enemies.

There were three unicorns and ten naga left on our side. Two unicorns were slinging spells at our shield while the third maintained theirs. The naga were in a line behind the unicorns, waiting for their chance to attack.

“So, thoughts?” I asked, slinging my rifle.

“How about the amulet?” Taya sweetly asked.

“One moment, please,” Flo said. Before I could ask what she was planning, she disappeared. That one kinda stumped me. Moments later, she appeared directly beneath the three unicorns and dissolved their legs. The traumatic shock was enough for the unicorn to drop the shield even with the help of the nanomachines. As soon as it was gone, what was left of all three of them just collapsed.

With them dead, the naga were free to attempt to attack Flo. Getting thrown off the wall and into the bunker by magic put a damper on that, though. With them taken care of, Flo disappeared for another moment before appearing right next to us.

“So what did you just do?” I asked.

“I slid through the cracks in the stone and came up under their shield,” she replied. “Luna mentioned yesterday that most shields don’t typically go under your feet, so I assumed it would be an easy approach.”

“Huh. Taya, put a shield under us. I don’t want them getting the same idea.” Her horn lit up.

“In the future, please don’t throw them into the abyss,” Flo said. “The more of the nanites we destroy, the weaker the others will be. Throwing them into the hole before I can kill them means they can rejoin the others, even if the naga are dead.”

“‘Kay,” my daughter replied.

I finally slung my rifle and she floated the bag of peanuts back up to me. “Why peanuts?” I asked. “Where the hell did she even get these?”

“What’s wrong with peanuts?” Kat asked.

“Nothing. They’re just right on the tip of the trade-off scale.”

“I have no idea what that means,” she said.

“Most snacks are a trade-off in convenience to tastiness. Boiled peanuts are really good, but super inconvenient. You have to deal with the shell and the stickiness.”

“Sounds like an apt comparison to the princess herself,” Flo said. “Her personality can be grating at times, but there are other times she can be sweet and cute.”

“Unlike Twilight, who’s always sweet and cute!” my daughter said.

“Since when?” Kat asked. “It seems she’s upset at Nav more often than not. She really doesn’t treat you very well at times, my lady.”

“Shut up, she’s perfect!” Taya quickly replied.

“There is no such thing as a perfect partner,” Flo said. “Personally, I believe Twilight is at times too overbearing for Nav, but if it is something she finds that she likes, it isn’t our place to get in the way.”

“Luna raised a good point,” Kat said. “Gilda is a princess. When you become the new ruler, that will count for a lot. Your power will be uncertain at the beginning. Cementing an alliance early would be valuable. Given the variety and intensity of the avian screeches we heard on the way here, it’s obvious you two are compatible in some ways.”

Taya sighed and morosely said, “It was awful. I don’t know how the griffins didn’t hear it.”

“Bitches. Love. Bellyrubs,” I smugly replied.

“Your bellyrubs haven’t ever made me feel like that, mommy. Though if you ever want to go lower—”

“You’re also not a griffin,” I said. “They’re different.”

“I do hope you’ll still make plenty of time for me,” Kat sweetly said, quietly purring.

“I don’t think Gilda’s interested in sharing. So if things do progress, don’t get your hopes up.”

“...Moonbeam is also an option,” Kat said. “She would be much more willing to share.”

“And experience is certainly sexy,” I said. “Allying myself permanently with her would be a good move. She seems like she wants to change to be more open to the world, but it’s easy to fall back into old habits. With me there to hold her hoof, it wouldn’t be an issue.”

Taya shot a bolt of lighting through our shield. I dropped the peanuts again and spun that way, but there was kinda no need. Her chain lightning left two charred unicorns and three mostly dead minotaurs in its wake.

“Flo, finish the job,” I said. “We’ll cover you.”

“Kill the minotaurs first, if you would,” she said. “I would be more comfortable not having to worry.”

I pulled out my other dagger and held it up. “Taya?”

“Why do you want me to use that?”

“I assumed telekinesis was easier than a fireball.”

“Watch.” Her horn lit up and the three minotaurs just went limp. “Gourd called it an embolism. The pirates taught him and the others how to do it to preserve ships as much as possible. You just pinch a few blood vessels and they go limp!”

“That is very useful,” Kat said.

“That’s my little filly,” I said, bumping up against her. She used magic to clean my hands so I could rub her ears. Flo finally went out to eradicate the nanites. They tried pooling up and fighting back, but Taya grabbed them with magic and made them sit there and take it. When the nanites were taken care of, Flo started dissolving the bodies. “Open a hole in the bottom shield so she can get back in.”

Once Flo was finished, she spotted the hole and rejoined us. When she was clear, the hole filled in. “The others are faring well,” Flo said. “They’ve both triggered a single ambush, both with more numbers than we’ve faced. Neither have had losses, though they’ve had difficulties going on the offensive given the shields.”

“It’s a shame that pegasi and earth ponies are generally so useless,” I said. “We need to get them some runic armor so they can start mcfucking up unicorns.”

“And it’s such a shame about the bat ponies’ wings,” Kat sighed.

“I dunno. I’d totally nonsexually cuddle with Nightshade. And totally sexually cuddle with Blossom.”

“Would you nonsexually cuddle with her?” Flo asked.

“Only if she really wanted it. She’s all cold and clammy.”

“Then why would you sexually cuddle with her?” Kat asked.

“Because vampires are hot. Plus, she’s the only one I trust to treat me right when I’m on my period.” Taya shivered in what I hoped was disgust. “Don’t kink-shame me.”

“If you’d just give the rest of us a chance, we might surprise you,” Kat said.

“But Blossom’s just so cute,” I said. “I really can’t resist.”

“...I’m not cute?” Kat quietly asked, almost sounding hurt.

“She also used her vampiric mind control to make it so I couldn’t resist,” I said. Taya suddenly seemed a lot more interested in the conversation. “That night at the Gala was a lot of fun, though I don’t remember all of it.”

“You could resist,” Flo said. “You just didn’t want to.”

“Well, she’s so cute,” I said with a shrug. “I mean, why would I want to?”

“I dunno, maybe because she almost killed you?” Flo sarcastically replied.

“Wait, what?” Taya asked. “Blossom hurt you?!”

“No, it was actually really pleasant. She just sucked a little more blood than she meant to, that’s all. No harm done.”

“She almost killed you!”

“Show of hands: Who here hasn’t almost killed me?” Only Flo could lift a tendril. Taya and Kat looked away. “Yeah. Think before you speak.”

It seemed they all chose to exercise their right to thinking, because that killed the conversation. I was kinda tired of peanuts at the moment and getting dehydrated because of the salt, so I finally set them down and pulled out a canteen. When my thirst was sated, I reloaded the rifle and stood ready for the next attack. Kat and Taya joined me in staring at the empty space right next to us.

After about a minute or two of silence, Kat quietly said, “We should synchronize our shots in order to kill as many as possible before they raise a shield.”

“Taya, center. I’m on right, Kat’s on left. Flo, behind us, preferably massaging my back.”

My daughter moved between Kat and I and Flo slid behind me so she could start pushing tendrils through my armor to rub my back. To be honest, it felt pretty nice. She also slid my braid away again so no enemy could easily grab it. “When anything spawns in, I’ll start on the right, Kat on the left, and Taya in the center.”

“So how long do you think this is going to take?” Taya asked.

“Wish I had an answer for you,” I said. “But there’s no telling how many enemies are here, and that’s assuming they don’t have any way of cloning new opponents. To be quite honest, there could be literally anything in that hole and I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Even an evil clone of yourself?” Flo asked.

“I mean, that would probably make me pause for a moment, but there’s really not much left out there that can surprise me. At this point, I’m basically dead inside.”

“Can you stop with the ‘woe is me’ attitude?” Taya asked. “It really gets boring.”

“I’m sorry for expecting sympathy from my daughter and closest companions,” I replied. “I’ll be happy to stop burdening everyone with my problems again, after everyone literally spent like five years getting me to start.”

“Don’t be a bitch,” Flo said. “We all know you’re just doing it for cheap amusement. Yes, you’re depressed and unhappy, but don’t pretend like this is the place to talk about it. If you really want to talk about your problems, you need to do it in a setting where others are mentally and emotionally prepared to help you through them, not just spring them on others like a demented jack-in-the-box.”

“Why would I ever want to get help?” I asked. “Dropping horrifying tidbits in conversations is hilarious.”

“And traumatizing,” Taya muttered.

“What do you mean, traumatizing?” I asked.

“...Are you kidding me? How do you think it makes me feel to hear you talk about yourself like that?!” Oh boy, here we go...

Flo beat me to the punch, actually. “Nav usually assumes that others hate her as much as she hates herself, and thus enjoy hearing about her suffering.”

“So you think all those times I said I love you were just lies?!” God dammit, where’s a random encounter when you need one?

“Mental disorders are not easy to explain,” Flo quietly replied. “Nor are they easy to fix. You realize, of course, that there is something wrong with your mother, do you not? Even if she were a pony like you, you should not expect her mind to work anywhere near the same as yours.”

“I hear a lot of talk from your pet robot, mommy!”

“...Would ear scritches make you feel better?” I slowly asked.

“I’m your daughter-pet, mommy! That means you have to treat me like both! You can’t just blow this off!”

So, Aqua—

She took over my mouth before I could even finish. “I know you love me, Taya. It’s a cognitive dissonance. I never meant to hurt you. Unfortunately, I just have this awful tendency to accidentally hurt those close to me...”

Apparently that’s all she needed to hear. She hopped up next to me and placed herself right against my leg. “Don’t worry, mommy! We’ll fix that right up in the coma. You’ll be a proper mommy when we’re done!”

Heaven forbid. “Here’s hoping,” I sighed, finally scritching her ears.

When Kat decided we were finished, she quietly cleared her throat. “Daughter-pet?”

“Yep!” Taya happily replied.

“...Nav, we really need to talk about your relationship with your daughter.”

“No we don’t,” I said.

“But—”

“Are you talking back to your lady?” Taya demanded.

“Nav—”

“Sounds like she’s talking back to her lady,” I said. Kat finally sighed and dropped it, though I had a feeling it wasn’t over.

Another group of unicorns teleported in, finally giving us a target. Now that we were actually paying attention, we killed them before they could even put up a shield. “This feels strange,” Flo said.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “We’re finally killing things together as a family!”

“These machines are intelligent, Nav. They shouldn’t be wasting troops like this. They aren’t getting anything out of these engagements.”

“Why not just overwhelm us?” Taya asked.

“Hopefully, because they can’t,” I said. “So what are you saying?”

“I’m starting to wonder if they’re probing our capabilities,” Flo said. “They have to know that attacking us in certain areas and in certain ways is suicide.”

“They’ve probably never encountered another artificial life form,” I said. “Without either you guys or a whole lot more magic, we wouldn’t have gotten this far.”

“It’s certainly gives us some advantages,” Flo said. “Taking the environment away from the enemy has made them slightly less lethal. I wish we had more time to learn the mechanics of how to control the weather here, though.”

“I don’t think that’ll be too useful in killing the remaining enemies,” I said.

“What I meant is that we’re still fighting back against them for control of the weather,” she said. “It’s entirely possible for them to take control again before we could stop them, especially since we’re spread so thin.”

“Even weather control at this point wouldn’t be too advantageous for them,” Kat said. “There’s only so much they can do without risking the bunker under us.”

“A tornado would still throw us off this wall,” I said. “And it wouldn’t hurt the bunker. A lightning storm would also be pretty damaging. How are the other teams faring?”

“Blaze is about where we were when we left,” Flo said. “Char is moving slower due to the extra traps, but they’re progressing.”

“Have there been any signs of new traps in areas we cleared?” I asked.

“There has been no change.”

“Tell your sisters to start absorbing easy to reach research data,” I said.

“They don’t know English. One moment.” She flashed orange for a moment before nodding. “They do now. Once we have collated all the information, we will share what is important.”

“How did they not know English?” Taya asked. “Isn’t that the human language?”

“It was a human language,” I said. “And the elementals came about after our heyday. I think most of them were created in Europe. I’ve heard Flo speaking to other elementals. It sounded European.”

“It was. That is our default, so to say. But sharing languages is very simple when we are all connected.”

“So what is the counter for this kind of thing?” Kat asked. “Strategy isn’t really my thing. If they wanted to take us down, how would they go about it?”

“Air superiority would be key,” I said. “There’s a whole lot of space above and around us. If they had a few chariots taking potshots at us, we’d be in a much worse place. Picking a side and concentrating the assault there would also be important. If they can pop one of these bubbles, the unicorn would have to switch to defense. It wouldn’t be too much of an issue on this side, since we have the amulet. If Watcher’s bubble fell—”

“Quiet,” Taya said, her ears twitching. “What is that?”

“What does it sound like?” I asked.

“...Something scratching. It’s coming from the edge.”

I pulled up my rifle and looked over at Watcher’s side. What looked like giant roaches were crawling up the wall, heading straight for their shield. I ran toward the griffins and Spike, who seemed to be having a lively discussion about unimportant bullshit. “GET IN THE AIR!” I shouted. They shut the fuck up and jumped straight up just as the first bugs cleared the wall. Spike immediately immolated them and that was all I had time to see before we were dealing with our own infestation.

I emptied my rifle into one before realizing their hides were too tough for my rounds. I swapped to the shotgun mode and blew one of them off the side as it tried crawling over our shield.

“Can these things even hurt the shield?” Kat asked. One of them tried taking a bite out of it, but nothing seemed to happen.

“So, scorched earth?” Taya asked.

Before I could give her the go-ahead, another group of four unicorns teleported in, along with three dragons and two griffins. Kat managed to shoot one of the unicorns before they could put up a shield. Taya ripped the wings off the griffins before they could get too far, but the dragons got away. I was able to snipe two of them out of the air, but the last one started harassing the griffins and Spike.

“So… amulet?” Taya sweetly asked. I sighed and finally handed Taya the evil Alicorn Amulet. She smirked as she put it on and her horn lit up an unpleasant red. The bricks under the enemy unicorns turned white hot in an instant and all three of them burst into flames. Each phased out for a moment before sizzling back into place. After a few seconds of watching them burn, the shield finally flickered and died. Taya quickly finished them off, then starting dealing with the creepy bugs.

“What were those things?” Kat asked.

“I’ve never seen them before,” I said. “But it’s not surprising that a few of the races that came before were buglike. Amulet?” Taya actually gave it back without any sass. “How are the other teams doing, Flo?”

“Char is pushing forward. Blaze is still dealing with attackers. It seems they’re focusing on that side.”

“Will he need support?”

“No, Twilight’s coming up with some arcane trickery. They’ll be fine.”

Since all of the enemies seemed to be dealt with, Spike landed on our shield. “Any orders?” he called down.

“Return to your post. Be vigilant. Slap Gilda’s ass.”

“Got it.” He slid down the shield and started walking back to the teleportation circle. The griffins quickly joined him. Sure enough, he slapped Gilda’s ass. Surprisingly, she actually just took it.

“So what else do you think is down there?” Taya asked.

“Probably a lot more unicorns, unfortunately,” I said. “Presumably more of the bug things. And according to Zecora, a bunch of spooky ghosts.”

“Are you sure you want to go down there?” Kat asked. “I know you’re still haunted by the last one…”

“We came all this way,” I said. “I really don’t want to leave without finding out what’s down there.”

“I meant you specifically,” she said. “Shouldn’t you wait until we clear it before going in?”

“It’s like you and the others are just trying to piss me off,” I said. “What, do you guys just get together and come up with things to say to trigger me?”

“Do you want us to protect you or not?” she asked.

“Of course I want you to protect me. I just don’t want you to be super annoying about it. Make better choices. I know you’re capable of it.”

“So how are we gonna get down there?” Taya asked.

“My sisters and I can easily ferry everyone up and down the sides,” Flo said. “It might not be fast, but it’ll work.”

“What about the fires?” I asked.

“They can jump.”

“What, no fall damage?”

“None. During the war, fires would ride upon great dragons and plummet from the heavens into the front lines. It was a very difficult tactic to defend against.”

“Yeah, heavy air assaults are difficult to combat. Of course, if they jump, getting them back out of the bunker might be problematic.”

“I’m sure we could build a simple lift,” Flo said. “Keeping it secure might be problematic, though. Alternately, it shouldn’t be difficult for a unicorn to float them back up.”

“Before we do anything, we’ll need to do some more scouting. We need to know the actual terrain we’re dealing with down there.”

“Want me to send some lights?” Taya asked.

“Go for it.” She sent some bright red lights into the abyss. After a few seconds, Watcher sent in some blue lights.

Before we could actually see anything, a wave of ten unicorns teleported in. They had a shield up before we could fire a shot and instantly started hammering our shield. The circle of runes at the center began glowing. I handed the amulet to Taya without a word.

As she started chipping away at their shield, a strange apelike creature teleported in and started drawing his own runes. Taya was doing her best to wear them down, but they kept swapping between attacking and defending in a heartbeat.

“We… might need to fall back,” Kat quietly said.

“Fucking where?” I asked. “There is no falling back. This is our only line of defense. We hold the line or we die. Flo, how are the others looking?”

“We’re the only group under attack,” she said. “One moment.” The circle’s runes were getting uncomfortably bright.

“Sooner is better than later!”

Luna and Twilight both appeared behind the unicorns attacking us. They combined flows and shot a lance of magic straight through the shield, decapitating the simian creature. Another shield immediately popped up, but surrounding them put the odds back in our favor.

Well, up until another group of five unicorns teleported in behind them. Twilight immediately lifted a shield and started drawing something. Watcher teleported in, joining them. He and Luna began focusing on attacking the first group, wearing them down with Taya. Another ape teleported in to work on the runes. Watcher and Luna sent another lance through their shield, making me wonder why they didn’t keep doing that to kill unicorns.

“Why aren’t they working together?” Kat asked. “Can’t they make their own weird lance things?”

“Never interrupt your enemy while he’s making a mistake,” I said.

The big shield around us seemed to flicker for a moment before fading away. Taya covered us in a smaller bubble before the big one could collapse all the way.

“Teleport to the others,” Flo said. “I’ll slide under the cracks and join you.”

We teleported in right as Twilight put the finishing moves on a new circle of protection. The new bubble was much smaller, enclosing just us. “Focus fire,” I said. “Kill them one at a time!”

“Give me the amulet,” Watcher said. Taya didn’t need telling twice. She pulled it off and handed it to the old guy. He sighed and slid it around his neck.

The unicorns in front of us all teleported to join the others behind us. It didn’t do them much good, since Watcher was emitting some kind of foul green fog that seeped right through their shield. The unicorns started melting when it hit them. Instead of teleporting out, they began backing up.

Taya and Luna sent a lance through their shield, clipping off a unicorn’s horn. They began chewing through the others.

“I’m going to rejoin my group,” Twilight said. “Call me if you need me again.”

“Thanks for the assist,” I said.

“Any time, babe.” She teleported back off. At that point, most of the unicorns were now just earth ponies. The three that still had horns teleported off, leaving the twelve others to die.

“I shall draw you a new circle before rejoining my own squad,” Luna said. “I recommend recovering the fallen horns. Zecora and Twilight would both find them valuable.” She trotted back off to where the old circle was without another word.

Watcher removed the amulet, shivering slightly. “Not a fan of this thing, but it definitely gets the job done.”

“Hold onto it for now,” I said.

“You sure?” he asked. “This attack was focused quite squarely upon you.”

“That attack was focused on this side. The next might be on your side. Hold onto it.”

“As you command.” He trotted off to the other shield, though I’m not sure how he was planning on getting in.

“Taya, grab the horns. Join us with Luna when you got them all.

“Got it.” She moved over to loot the bodies while Kat and I started walking to Luna. When everybody was out of the smaller shield, Flo erased the circle and joined Taya.

“So what kind of creature is this?” Kat asked when we got to the ape-like body.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It’s simian, like a human, but it’s way too tall, the arms and legs are too long, and the fingers are honestly kinda creepy looking.” We couldn’t get a good look at its face since both of them stopped existing above the neck.

“What were they drawing?”

I was expecting it to be a circle of protection. Instead, it was a message that read, ‘GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE GO AWAY LEAVE ME AL’.

“Flo!” She instantly slithered over to join me. “What the fuck is this?!”

She looked at it and turned orange. “...I don’t know what that is. This is the first sign we’ve seen that it’s even capable of communicating with us.”

“We are kinda invading its home,” Kat said, rubbing the back of her neck.

I grabbed the chalk left by the dead ape and wrote my own message that read ‘We want to talk’. “There’s our olive branch,” I said. “It may be covered in blood, but no harm no foul.”

“How many of them have we killed?” Kat asked.

“I’m not sure it matters,” Flo replied. “That note says leave me alone, not us. This machine considers itself to be a single entity. Given that all of its hosts have been completely drained of personality, we can assume it doesn’t care much for them.”

“So are we just waiting for Luna to leave?” Taya asked from next to me. The horns were floating next to her.

“We were talking about the message they left us,” I said. “Let’s join Luna.”

“What message?” Taya asked as we started walking.

“It was a message telling us to leave.”

“Oh. As if they needed to write that!”

Flo cleared her non-existent throat and said, “My sisters and I have come up with a new strategy, but it is… an unorthodox one.”

“Unorthodox times call for unorthodox measures,” I said.

“We want to make each unicorn a temporary host. With our combined eyes, we can quite easily get a fast response team to any of the three groups.”

“I won’t make that call,” I said. “It’ll have to be up to the unicorns.”

“I’m all for it!” Taya happily said. “Oooh, can I be a fire host?”

“Maybe later,” I replied, tousling her mane. We were finally close enough to talk to Luna, who was waiting next to a circle on the ground. “The waters have a new strategy.”

“I am aware,” she said. “I am already host to one of the Rains. Be wary, Navarone. You have just given the machines under this dome a distinct advantage. They now own all of your unicorns.”

“Temporarily,” Flo said. “And we would appreciate you not referring to us as machines.”

“I will come if my lady calls.” Luna vanished with a pop, leaving Taya to finish the circle of protection.

“Whenever you are ready, Taya,” Flo said.

“Now’s fine.” Flo reached over and poked her. Taya’s eyes flashed blue for a moment before going back to green. “So tell me everything about mommy!”

“No.”

“Oh come on! She won’t tell me anything fun!”

“That is your mother’s prerogative.”

“So tell me everything about Navi!” Kat eagerly said.

I thumped her right on the nose. “Bad kitty!”

“Oh come on! Why won’t you tell us anything fun?”

“Because keeping you in denial is honestly a lot more fun,” I replied with a shrug.

“Even if your adorable little eterna-filly just wants to learn more about who you are as a person?” Flo asked.

“Yes. I don’t like talking about myself. It’s not like that’s a secret.” Taya sighed in defeat, but I had a feeling she was going to keep pestering Flo. “Send more lights down. Let’s keep scouting. If we get attacked again, don’t instantly retaliate.”

“My sisters and I plan to speak to it in English the next time more appear,” Flo said. “We are going to try to communicate.”

Taya sent in more red lights. This time, Watcher withheld his own. As soon as the lights revealed metal instead of rock, another group of hostiles teleported in. This group was a single unicorn and what looked like three toads with elongated necks.

Flo started to say something, but the frogs all screeched at us, instantly blowing our eardrums. Taya collapsed, probably screaming in agony. Kat threw up. I felt the blood pouring out of my ears, but Aqua immediately killed the pain and took over, sending round after round into the unicorn’s shield until the thing finally cracked and a spike went through the unicorn’s face. The instant it was dead, Flo slid over and eradicated the toads.

Once the threat was over, Aqua released me and I dropped the gun to clutch at my ears, probably also screaming. To be honest, I couldn’t tell.

Thankfully, the pain didn’t last long. Flo immediately healed Taya, who turned around and healed me and Kat. When I could finally hear again, the only noise was Kat and I gasping for breath.

“So I suppose negotiation is off the table,” Flo finally sighed.

“I’m… still willing to t-talk unless someone dies,” I groaned. “But it has to initiate.”

Flo nodded and gently cleaned the blood from my ears, unfortunately not going deep enough to penetrate and discover Aqua’s awful secret. “It appears they react to the light.”

“Tell both teams to halt,” I said. “And prepare for close in support. We’re going to test it.”

“It is done,” Flo said. “They are standing by.”

“Tell Watcher to send a light in. He has the amulet and can defend himself better.”

A light shot out of the stallion’s horn and started sliding down into the darkness. The instant we saw metal, something teleported in on the far side of the fort. When I pulled up my rifle, I saw that it was a fucking cannon manned by three diamond dogs. As I watched, a cannonball shot toward Watcher’s shield.

The shot deflected, but instantly cracked the shield. Luna and Sentinel teleported in behind the dogs and ripped them to shreds.

“Tell them to grab the cannon and bring it over,” I said. “We’re keeping that.” After all, I made Princess Gilda a promise for weapons.

The two of them blinked from that side to right next to Watcher. Sentinel grabbed the cannon with magic and carried it over next to the teleportation field while Luna started drawing a new circle. When the cannon was secure, Sentinel joined Luna. The new shield went up moments later and they both vanished.

“I suppose that confirms that,” Flo said. “So how do we use this to our advantage?”

“At this point, we continue as we are,” I said. “Finish sweeping the fort, then regroup. We’ll decide what to do from there. Let’s stop poking the hornet’s nest.”

“We’re expecting a ten minute ETA on the two teams making contact,” Flo said. “With us taking the brunt of the last few attacks, they’ve been able to push forward.”

“Have they found any rad loot?”

“They have, but are choosing to leave it for now. Without the rain, there’s no danger of it flooding. We can obtain things at our leisure later. Plus, they didn’t know what any of the magical artifacts in the living area did. We’re definitely lucky none were used against us.”

“I don’t think the thing here understands magic that well,” Taya said. “The unicorns are so inefficient! It seems like it’s getting better the more it fights us, though.”

“Great, just what we need,” I sighed. “An opponent that can spring any kind of species on us at a moment’s notice and that learns as it goes.”

“That’s what makes it fun!” Kat said, wagging her tail. “Following you is always enjoyable, my lady!”

“Good. I like a vassal who enjoys her work.”

“I think it’s a valuable experience for my sisters and I,” Flo said. “This is the first time we’ve worked together so closely. It’s helping us bond.”

“Coolsies. I hope everybody’s having at least some fun.”

“Gourd probably isn’t,” Taya said.

“That sucks for him. I imagine Princess Gilda’s probably not having much fun either.”

“That sucks for her,” Taya flatly replied. “I’m sure she could find her way home.”

“Don’t be rude,” I said, booping her on the nose and leaving my finger there. Then she made it creepy by sniffing it and giggling, so I pulled it back.

“There’s no way that griffin is mature enough for you, mommy. Be reasonable.”

“People can change. I’m not holding my breath, mind, but it’s possible.”

Taya angrily sniffed and left it at that. Well, until her ears twitched. “I’m not being a brat!”

“...What?” I slowly asked.

“Your robot just called me a brat!”

“Flo, did you just call my daughter a brat?”

“Of course not. I told her that she was acting like a brat.”

“Well, there you go, Taya,” I said. “If you don’t want to get called out for acting like a brat, don’t act like a brat. It’s pretty simple.”

“How am I acting like a brat?!”

Kat scoffed. “Are you saying you don’t do it on purpose? I thought you only acted bratty when you didn’t get your way.”

Flo patted my extremely frustrated daughter on the back. Since Taya didn’t respond, I assumed they were finally mentally talking.

Things stayed fairly silent until Flo finally said, “The two teams have met up. They’re now coming back out as a group.”

“So the fort is clear of traps?” I asked.

“As far as they can tell, yes,” Flo replied with a nod.

“I’m hesitant to call the princess in until we actually push into the bunker. However, I’m kinda running low on ammo. About what time do you think it is?”

“Shortly after noon,” Flo said.

“When the others get back, we’ll send a few runners to the ship to pick up food and ammo. They can also drop off the cannon.”

“When can we start scouting the bunker?” Taya asked.

“After they stop attacking us when we send down lights. I’d love to make them run out of troops before we push into the bunker itself.”

“That might be a risky move,” Flo said. “With more of us on the wall, they might send exponentially more attackers. Those screechers could disable everyone under a shield.”

“Protecting against sound attacks is easy,” Taya said. “But almost nobody does it because almost nobody attacks with sound.”

“What’s the ETA for getting everyone out?” I asked.

“About ten more minutes,” Flo said. “Now that there are no traps, there is no reason not to move quickly.”

“So expect more ambushes,” I said, pumping my rifle.

“I’m not sure that they will be attacked, but it would be wise to expect more to come for us.”

“It doesn’t matter if they get attacked,” I said. “With Twilight and Luna, I’m pretty sure they can eradicate pretty much anything under the sun.”

“But don’t you want your one true marefriend to be safe?” Taya asked.

“She is safe. She’s a hell of a lot safer than us, that’s for sure.”

“So how are we going to move through the bunker?” Kat asked. “According to Felix, doors open and shut at random, there are guards, and a ton of different paths.”

“We’ll probably split up, marking territory as we go. I’m thinking two main teams with all the elementals with a third team in reserve up top for fast response. But we’ll have to wait until we do some scouting to see if that’s even viable.”

Kat giggled and said, “You’ll be with the fast res—” I shut her up with a kiss right on the mouth. It confused her for a moment before she accepted it.

As soon as she did, I pulled away and thumped her on the nose. “Bad kitty!”

“I’m not a bad kitty!” she said. “I’m the best kitty!”

“Talking back to your lady again?” Taya sweetly asked.

Kat sighed and muttered, “At least I know you’ll never replace me with Felix…”

“Of course not. You’re much cuter and more cuddly.”

“And less annoying,” she quickly added. I didn’t reply.

Surprisingly enough, we didn’t get attacked in the time it took our assault teams to exit. That gave me time to finish off the peanuts, at least. The others quickly joined us on the wall, then floated up the two fire elementals. Since there was a lot more safety in numbers than there was in a giant magical shield, Flo erased it and we joined them.

“The fort is secure,” Luna said as we approached. As an afterthought, she grabbed my left hand with magic and brought it up to the mouthpiece of her armor, where she pantomimed kissing it. “Perhaps that is—”

“No it’s not,” I sighed, reclaiming my hand. “If you’re really going to keep going out of your way to find inconvenient and annoying ways to display loyalty, you can bow. I’d prefer it if you stopped being super annoying, but I guess that’s just asking too much.” She looked away.

“So what’s next?” Twilight asked.

“I’m low on ammo and it’s about lunch time, so we’ll start pulling people back to the ship little by little to rearm and eat. When everyone’s had a few minutes off the line, we’ll start sending more lights into the hole to trigger attacks.”

“Who’s up first?” Watcher asked.

“Me, Taya, and Kat,” I said. “I think we may have faced the brunt of the attacks and, as I said, I’m just about out of ammo. Watcher’s squad will go when we get back. I’ll let you guys pick who goes next.”

“You better eat, Nav,” Twilight said. “You too, Taya!”

“I’ll make sure she does,” Taya and I said at the same time.

“What about us?” Brook asked.

“Go grab some of those deactivated locals and see what you can do with them,” I said. “If they’re intelligent enough to leave us a message, surely they’re intelligent enough to talk with us. Absorb research info as you go. Take Luna and Twilight for magical protection.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Brook said. “We’ll just go in and out through the ceiling.”

“Do you want us to keep triggering ambushes while we wait?” Watcher asked. “Having one squad gone at a time shouldn’t affect our combat capabilities too much.”

“By all means, but don’t overdo it. And this time, put a shield over the teleporter so when we come back, we don’t end up in the middle of a fight.”

“What are we gonna do with that thing?” Twilight asked, looking toward the cannon.

“I’m giving it to Gilda,” I said. “I promised her weapons for the coming coup. This cannon should give her enough of an idea of how to make more. I just need to decide if I should give her the blueprints for gunpowder or if I should just make her use a unicorn to fire it.”

“It’s a… cannon? I assume that’s a human weapon?”

“An old school human weapon, yeah. You fill the bottom with gunpowder, then pack it in tight with a large swabber. Then you drop in a cannonball, a chain, or any other number of things. Then you light a fuse on the back that heads to the gunpowder and ignites it, exploding the ammo out the end.”

“Like your rifle!”

“Not quite. This thing uses air pressure to fire. The cannon uses an explosion. I don’t see any reason a unicorn couldn’t replicate the explosion without the need for powder.”

“That seems like a waste of magic,” Taya said. “Why wouldn’t we just blow up the target?”

“Could you blow up a target all the way on the other side of the fort?” I asked.

“Uh… maybe?”

“That’s why. They fired the cannon from all the way over there and hit Watcher’s shield dead on. Good guns and cannons can shoot farther than most unicorns. And if you use an exploding cannonball instead of a solid one, you’d have the same effect.”

“So why would you ever use a chain?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a chain with two smaller balls attached to the ends. Once it fires, it’ll start spinning and cut whatever it hits in half. That can be a mast, a person, a castle tower, or pretty much anything else. Another popular option is a whole bunch of small balls or spikes that’ll explode out in a cone-shape and eradicate anything standing in front of it.”

“...I’m beginning to see why you never built any of these,” Twilight slowly said. “Are you sure it’s wise to give this to Princess Gilda?”

“I mean, probably not. But honestly, it’s only a matter of time before she discovers this shit anyway. You guys already have nonmagical fireworks. It doesn’t take much to put two and two together to make a cannon. She’s smart enough that she just might figure it out.”

Twilight sighed and shrugged. “I’ll accede to your wisdom, I suppose. I think it’s a bad idea, but I still think magic would easily beat a few of these things.”

“Oh, absolutely,” I said. “These things are primitive compared to what we had when I got pulled away. We stopped using actual cannons about… oh, I wanna say one or two hundred years before I was born. Instead, we used artillery.”

“Which is…?” Luna slowly asked.

“Cannons on steroids,” I said. “They had ranges of up to dozens of kilometers and could blanket an area a kilometer wide in explosions for hours on end, basically until you ran out of ammo. They’d use on-the-ground artillery spotters with radios for aiming and just destroy enemies. In the first world war, they would load cannons with poison gas rounds. When they hit, they’d emit chlorine gas, which would melt the skin and organs of whoever breathed it in. They’d shell trenches with these things for hours on end, brutally killing tens to hundreds of thousands.”

“That’s utterly and wholly horrific,” Luna said. “I want ten of them!”

“Of course, that’s just the artillery,” I said. “The ways we found to kill each other were honestly impressive.”

“I would like to know considerably more,” Luna said. “Perhaps you can share the history of your own people as I share the history of the ponies.”

“Perhaps,” I said. “But for now, I’m heading back to the ship. Taya, let’s blow this joint.”

She gasped in surprise. “You have more weed?!”

“That’s not what I… No. Let’s go.” I led Taya and Kat through the milling crowd and stood on the teleportation circle. Taya floated the horns and the cannon over. When everything was in place, we popped off to the ship.

“So what should I do with these horns?” Taya asked.

“Drop them off in Twilight’s room,” I said. “Kat, go tell Sunny she’s about to get a lot of food orders, then get her to start making stuff for the three of us. I’m going to get some bullets and ask Jak to start making more. I’ll head back up top when I’m done.”

Kat pecked me on the cheek before heading off to do my bidding. Taya looked at the cannon and tilted her head. “What about this?”

“Leave it for now. We’ll get the ship unicorns to tie it down later.”

“‘Kay.” We both started walking to the door. I let her down first because four legs traverse stairs slightly faster than two.

When I got to my room, I discovered that it had been looted of all its sex toys. I assumed Gilda was having herself a good ol’ time in her own room. As tempting as it was to join her, I didn’t want to make everyone wait on me. Instead, I started reloading magazines with loose rounds. When all of mine were full again, I started walking down to Jak’s room.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting there to be a fully done golem in there with him. This one was much smaller than the original, presumably so it could fit in the ship. “Ah, there you are, lassie,” he warmly said. “I was just putting the finishing touches on this one. I’d like to give it a trial by fire, if you’d be so kind!”

“I would be,” I said. “We’re heading back down soon. We just stopped to get food and some ammo. Speaking of, can you make me more bullets?”

“Already done,” he replied, waving an arm toward a small barrel. “I hope you don’t mind, but they’re all experimental rounds.”

“...Experimental?” I slowly asked.

“Each one has a rune! I separated them by group. Some rounds should make targets burst into flames, some should make enemies freeze, some should… Well, I don’t actually remember what they all do. I got the idea late one night and zoned out while making them…”

Oh boy. “I’ve already rearmed, but I’ll start using these the next time I’m out. Also, I don’t suppose you can do anything with this?” I untied the knot on my ruined dagger and pulled it out.

“Oooh, nasty!” he said, taking the thing from me. “What did this? Some kind of acid?”

“Enemy nanites. Basically like the water elementals, but complete dicks.”

“So… like the water elementals?” he asked with a grin. Aqua snorted.

“Pretty much.”

“Well, as sad as I am to say it, there’s no coming back from this. I’m afraid this dagger is worthless now.”

“I figured.”

“Luckily for you, Luna already asked me to make you a new set of weapons! Not so luckily, I haven’t started any of them yet. But now that I know you’re down a dagger, I’ll work on those next.”

“Excellent. Does this golem work on command words, too?”

“Sort of. Athena gave me a new method of controlling them.” He tossed me a necklace. “Put this on and make sure it touches your skin.” I slid it on, pulled my braid out of the armor so it wasn’t in the way, then pushed the pendant into my undershirt. The golem’s eyes lit up green. “It’ll follow you until you give it new orders,” he said. “Right now, it only knows a few. Follow, stop, attack, and go to. I’ll add more as I learn the runes.”

“Does it have the teleportation rune?”

“Aye. You should have no issue taking it back down with you.”

“Totally tubular, fam. Then I guess I’ll get out of your hair.” What little of it you have left, that is…

“With luck, I should have your new weapons done by tomorrow,” he said. “They’ll all be runic, so they should be a direct upgrade to your old gear.”

“Awesome.” I looked over at the golem. “Follow.” Its unblinking green eyes continued staring at me, so I assumed it would follow. Sure enough, I heard it clanking behind me as I walked back to my room. “Stop.” Its eyes turned yellow. I left it in the hall while I grabbed my other naga dagger. When I had it, I got the golem to follow me back up to the deck, where Taya and Kat were already waiting. Amber and one of the other crew unicorns were also with them.

“Whoa, Jak finished another one?” Kat asked.

“He did. We’ll be taking it with us when we return.” I continued walking until I was about at the middle of the deck, then said, “Stop.” The thing’s eyes turned yellow again. “So, any word from Shining Armor?”

“Gourd still hasn’t returned,” Amber replied. “It’s not like him.”

“Well, not much we can do about it,” I said. “Can you two strap that hunk of metal down?” I asked, pointing at the cannon. “I don’t want it going anywhere.”

“Can do!” Amber sweetly said. “You want it in the hold?”

“Might as well, if it’s not an issue. There’s no reason to just leave it out here.”

The two of them opened the cargo hold and carefully lowered it down, then closed the lid and walked down the stairs to actually strap it down. When they were gone, Taya asked, “So how long do you think Sunny’s gonna take?”

“Not very,” Kat said. “She had a feeling we would either be coming back for lunch or sending for something, so she made a few pots of soup. She’s just preparing something extra for our ladies.”

“It might be easier if we just took the soup back with us,” Taya said. “That way, we wouldn’t have to pull everyone back.”

“I want to give everyone a few minutes back on the ship,” I said. “Having a moment to relax is important. It means they’ll be more clear headed when it’s time to start back up.”

“...If you say so, mommy,” she replied, sounding kinda doubtful.

“Nav is right,” Kat said. “A break between fights can make soldiers fight all the better. It may not be as much of an issue for those of us who are half-tree, though.”

“I certainly don’t mind a break,” I said. “But I’m eager to get back to it. I don’t like leaving my crew behind.”

“Do you distrust our abilities?” Kat asked.

“I don’t like leaving prey in charge, even if that prey has a lot of practice at war. Luna and Watcher may be experienced, but they’re not naturals. More to the point, I don’t like forcing my soldiers to take risks that I’m not taking. It’s unfair to them.”

“What was it you used to say back on the March?” Kat sweetly asked. “Something about great leaders knowing how to lead from the rear so they don’t put themselves at risks? Jocasta sure did enjoy hearing that one!”

“I used to be an untrained coward. Then I learned to stop giving a fuck. Now I enjoy killing. I’m not going to let you guys have all the fun. Plus, I get to play with my filly!”

“And I get ear scritches in the middle of a fight, which is just the best!” Taya happily said.

Kat’s eyes turned blue as Cascade took over. “Some of us have been interested in… talking about your relationship with Taya.”

“That’s not necessary,” I replied.

“This conversation will happen,” Flo said from Taya. “Certainly not now, but it is coming. I feel it only fair to warn you.”

“And I feel it only fair to tell all of you to go fuck yourselves,” I said. “You always wanted me to be a better, more loving parent, Flo. You got what you wanted.”

“A loving mother would not rob her child the chance to grow, learn, and become independent. Taya is the only one who loves you unconditionally, Nav. She is the only one you could never drive away. I saw signs a while back, but I was hoping it would never devolve into this. You have become so addicted to her love that you bonded her to you for eternity.”

“So? That’s what we both want. She’s happy, I’m happy.”

“No, you’re not,” Flo said. “You’re scared and depressed and miserable. When you find any sources of joy or happiness, you clutch onto them as tightly as you can. Now that you’ve finally found a source of warmth in this cold world you’ve found yourself in, you’re holding onto it so tightly that it will never have a chance to blossom. You’ve turned what could have been a valuable partnership into a toxic timebomb just waiting to go off. I fear it’s far too late to undo the damage, too. All you can hope to do is mitigate the oncoming trainwreck. That is what we seek to do in our coming conversation, Nav. It is too late to fix it, but it’s not too late to minimize the harm.”

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just—”

“It’s not an opinion,” Flo said. “And we would all appreciate if you took it seriously.”

“I wish I could explain to you why that’s not an option,” I said. Unfortunately, a certain unwanted blue cunt makes that impossible.

My ex-elemental sighed and let my daughter take back over. “That feels funny. Is there a way to watch what they’re doing with your body?”

“There is,” I said. “But I’m pretty sure they can stop you from doing it.”

“...That seems unfair.”

“It sure is,” I sighed. “It sure fucking is.”

Aqua snorted. “It seems unfair for you to complain. How many times have you begged me to take control?”

Literally none. I’ve asked you to do a few things, but I would sooner die than beg to you.

“Don’t worry. You will. Or at least, your personality will be erased, so you might as well be dead! Oooh, I can’t wait!”

The arrival of Sunny made that crazy bitch shut up. She was floating three mugs of some steaming stew and what looked like a basket of garlic bread. It all floated our way. “Here you are, my ladies!” she warmly said. “Two zesty goat stews, courtesy of the griffin captain, and one thick potato soup. Plus a loaf of fresh garlic bread!”

“You’re a good pony,” I said.

“I’m the best pony, my lady,” she replied. “I’ll make sure you never forget it!”

“If it means more of this treatment, I look forward to it.” Kat and I were wearing gloves, so we ignored the heat and just grabbed the bowls. Taya took hers and the bread with magic. “When we return, another group will come back. We’ll swap out until everyone’s had a chance to rest.”

“Kat already told me,” Sunny said. “We’re ready for them. We’ll send word as soon as Gourd gets back.”

“I assume Gilda is in her room?”

“You assume correctly. She made a stop in your room, then Twilight’s room, then barred herself in her own. Haven’t heard a peep from her since.”

“We’ve cleared the fort, but it’s not quite safe for her to come down yet. Enemies started teleporting in every time we separated, so until we deal with the rest of them, it’s better for her to stay up here.”

“When everything is said and done, the rest of us would like a chance to see it up close,” Sunny said.

“That won’t be an issue. We might need your help ferrying loot out. We haven’t even gotten into the bunker yet and it’s looking like there might be enough to fill up both ships.”

“Sounds like quite a nice haul! I saw the crates Watcher lugged in earlier.”

“And we looted something else earlier,” I said. “A weapon of human design. If you see the princess before I do, let her know it’s in the cargo hold and that it’s a present for her.”

“Sure you don’t want to tell her yourself? Judging by some of what she was carrying when she left your room, she might like some company…”

“I don’t want to be away from the front for too long. They need us down there.”

“Then unless you need anything else, I won’t take up more of your time.”

“It’s always a pleasure, Sunny. But at the moment, I think we’re fine.”

She finally bowed. “We all live to serve, my lady. I’ll go prepare for the next group.”

I booped her on the nose and she finally left. “You’re lucky to have such wonderful crew,” Cascade said through Kat.

“It’s not luck,” I replied. “I earned this crew. I won everyone’s loyalty fair and square.”

“That is most definitely true,” Flo said. Cascade shut the fuck up, letting us finally eat. I gotta say, the captain’s meat felt wonderful inside of me. He certainly earned himself a belly rub, if he was ever interested.

When we were finished, we finally grouped up around the golem. Right before Taya’s horn lit up, the princess stepped out of the ship. “Ah, Nav!” As soon as Taya saw Gilda, she smirked and her horn lit up. We teleported off before I could tell her to stop.

“There’s that brattiness in action,” Kat said. That was all we had time for before a stray bolt of lightning against our shield got our attention.

I quickly looked around, appraising the situation. My troops were split off into three positions. Black Fate’s squad was guarding the teleporter, keeping up his shield. Zecora and Felix stood by, ready to do… something, presumably. Twilight and Watcher’s squad were on our right, fending off an attack over there with Blaze and a few waters. Luna and Sentinel’s squad were on the other side, fending off their own attack with Char and a few more waters. Spike was leading the griffins in a sortie against a pair of cannons on the far side. As I watched, both of them fired. Black Fate yelled and both cannonballs split in half before they could impact the shields they were aiming at.

“Taya, teleport us to the cannons! Leave the golem.” Her horn lit up and we jumped off to the far side of the fort. “Focus on the right!” I shot one dog, Kat shot one, and Taya fried the last one with magic. The other crew was scrambling to reload, but Spike finally fried one as Taya and I shifted our aim, clearing the last two. “Bring us behind the group hitting Luna!” The three of us popped off to that side. Luna and Sentinel were starting to clear house, but Taya hastened the process by hitting the shield from behind. As soon as the unicorns there were down, I looked over at Watcher’s side. He was pulling off the amulet as the last of the unicorns finished melting.

“Well that was fun,” Kat said.

“No word from Shining Armor?” Luna called.

“Not yet,” I replied. “Gourd hasn’t returned, either.”

“...That is worrying,” she slowly said. “Could Celestia have learned of our plans?”

“I doubt she would move against me now.”

“You put a lot of faith in her,” Luna said. “Do not doubt what my ex-sister is capable of, Nav. She would not hesitate to end you. Though I imagine it will be a moot point soon.”

“...Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because Twilight and I are going to attempt to convince the others to kill Celestia sooner rather than later,” she said. “With what the two of us know and with how the others feel about her, I imagine it will be an easy task. And with the blood gems we gather from here, we should have plenty enough raw magical power to defeat her.”

“Ah.” I hope that puts a hole in your plans, bitch.

“Nothing I can’t work around,” Aqua sweetly replied. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Navi! Everything will go just according to plan!”

“Should we join the other group?” Kat asked.

“We should,” I said. “Taya?” We teleported over to Watcher’s side. One of the water elementals under his shield erased a small part of their circle, dropping the shield. I looked over at the golem, which was still sitting idle on the teleport pad. “Follow.” I wasn’t expecting it to work, but the thing started clunking over to us.

Watcher’s soldiers bowed as we approached. He didn’t bother, thankfully. “How’s the ship?” he asked.

“Just fine, though Gourd hasn’t returned. Will it be a problem for you to take the other two cannons back?”

“It won’t.” He floated the alicorn amulet to Twilight. “With your permission?”

“Go for it. Have them placed in the hold when you’re done.”

“As you command.” He teleported off to the cannons while his two squadmates trotted off to the teleporter. We entered the area under the shield right as the golem made it to us and Twilight finished the circle of protection back off.

When we were covered in a shield, Twiggles finally looked up. “Welcome back to the party,” she said with a grin. “Feeling better?”

“Marginally. I assume things have gone well here?”

“They have,” she replied with a nod. “Luna wanted us to defeat as many enemies as possible before you returned, so we’ve been going nonstop. That was our third or fourth group.”

“I might have to put her in tummy-rub timeout, too,” I sighed.

“All the more time for me!” Taya sweetly said, bumping up against me.

“Your vassals serve you well,” Blaze said. “Is that not worthy of reward? As strange as bellyrubs might seem, these soft races do apparently enjoy them.”

“That means I can use them to reward good behavior,” I said. “Waiting until I leave to trigger ambushes in an attempt to keep me safe is not good behavior.”

“Why not?” Twilight asked. “Isn’t it a vassal’s job to reduce the amount of time you spend in danger? By maximizing the attacks we face without you, they ensure you’re statistically safer.”

“Because that’s not what I want and everybody here knows it,” I said. “Woona is just being a silly filly.”

“Please stop calling the mass murdering rapist that,” Twilight sighed. “Having to work with her is awful enough.”

“Where’s that No Fun Allowed sign when I need it?” I asked.

“Yeah, don’t insult our vassals!” Taya hastily added.

I don’t think Twilight was expecting to get called out by my daughter. I wasn’t either, but capitalized on Twilight’s moment of confusion. “I think you’re just jealous that I gave another mare a cute nickname.”

“It’s not like it’s ever upset me before,” she sarcastically replied. “It’s something I’ve kinda gotten used to.”

I don’t know if that’s a burn or not.

Aqua giggled and said, “Definitely a burn. She’s calling you loose.”

“So what did you end up calling that griffin who bought you at the auction?”

Her ears drooped straight down and a huge blush covered her face. “T-that’s none of your business! And what did you call your owner, huh? Senpai?”

“Mostly master or my lord. He had that maid kink, remember?”

“Oooh?” Kat purred. “Do tell!”

“I don’t think my daughter is interested in hearing that,” I replied, crossing my arms.

“I love hearing allll about you, mommy!” my daughter happily said.

“Well, your mother thinks it’s inappropriate,” I said. “Now then, shall we finally get down to business? We have assholes to fry.”

“I think that would be best,” Twilight said. “How do you want to utilize the golem?”

“Melee attackers aren’t really that useful at the moment, unfortunately,” I said. “We’ll put it in front of us to tank any attacks should they get through the shield. We should be able to effectively fire around him.”

“It is fairly magically resistant, minus teleportation,” Twilight said. “So in theory, we could leave it in the middle of where the enemies usually teleport in and let it attack them up close while we provide ranged support.”

“You’re actually starting to get good at this,” I said, booping her on the nose.

“I’ve been reading up on military strategy,” she replied. “Though from what I’ve gleaned from Luna, an incredible amount of information has been lost, either purposefully or as Celestia reduced the amount of training her guards obtain.”

“I’d be happy to translate some human books for you, but I don’t think a lot of them would be applicable in a world with magic and without guns.”

“Why not make more guns and combine the two?” Taya asked. “Like firing a cannon with magic.”

“Because the last thing the world needs in an effort to become less discordant is more ways of horrifically killing people.” I finally looked up at the golem and pointed right outside of our shield. “Go to.” Sure enough, it started walking that way, exiting the shield without a backwards glance. “So are they still responding to flares?”

“They are,” Twilight said. “It’s our turn to send one down this time.”

“How do you feel about killing, Twilight? If you’re not up to it, I understand, but Taya will get the amulet.”

“These things died a long time ago, Nav. All we’re doing is killing the monster that did this to them.”

“Taya, light ‘em up.” The instant her light hit metal, another group of unicorns and dogs armed with halberds teleported in right around the golem. For some reason, none of them seemed to even notice it. “Attack.”

The golem came to life instantly, eyes turning blood red. It grabbed one of the dogs and threw it straight into the hole, then turned to gore the line of unicorns who were slinging spells at us. The dogs finally recognized it as a threat and one of them swung his halberd at it. The blade cracked and fell off the pole. The dog lifted it up to his face in confusion just in time for the golem to slam its palm into the dog’s chest, throwing it into one of the unicorns.

The unicorns finally turned to face it and all hit it with blue flames. The runes on the golem lit up in various colors and it began advancing. They put a magical box around it, but it walked right through and grabbed one of the unicorns around the muzzle. Its arms jerked straight up, cracking the unicorn’s neck instantly. The thing twisted and tore the unicorn’s head off. It jammed the horn into another’s eye, impaling it down to the base. The group of unicorns teleported behind the line of diamond dogs as the nanites from the dead bodies started pooling up. The golem kicked straight through the nanites, scattering the entire group out of the enemy’s shield, where Taya and Twilight instantly froze them. The golem turned to the line of enemies and began advancing.

“Jak is absolutely going to make a class teaching how to make these things at my university,” I said as the golem continued tearing through the enemy ranks. “I want an army!”

“What was that you said about not making more weapons?” Twilight asked.

“Think of what you can do with a construction crew made up of iron golems that can lift five times their own weight and don’t get tired. I could build a city in a matter of weeks. And we can get smaller, lighter golems to make things like airships so we can begin trading in earnest. A weapon is just a tool, Twilight. Tools can always be repurposed.”

“And once again, you come up with an amazingly inventive solution,” Twilight said. “Princess Gilda and I admire you for similar reasons, Nav. I’m pretty sure we could talk her into a herd, just the three of us!”

“She’s already told me that when it’s time for a choice, it’s all or nothing,” I said. “And I respect that.”

“That’s why I said we could talk her into a herd. You get a princess for political reasons and the two of us can share her in bed!” I lifted an eyebrow, which made her giggle. “I really like the noises she makes. And griffins are just so cuddly! Plus, I don’t know if I really want to share you with Moonbeam or Fleur. They’re a little too… domineering for my tastes.”

“The goal was to avoid a herd,” I sighed. “I really didn’t want to go that path. Isn’t it illegal anyway?”

“Not when you’re the princess,” Twilight said with a grin.

“That’ll look wonderful in the papers,” I sighed. “Day one, depose the beloved goddess-princess. Day two, kill the polygamy laws. Day three, marry two chicks. Oh yeah, the press would have a field day.”

At that point, the golem had finally finished up the remaining enemies. It looked like it had been chipped in a few places by blades, but had no real damage. “Should I send down another light?” Taya asked.

Luna’s side had finished up their attackers, but weren’t sending a light of their own. “Isn’t it their turn?” I asked.

“Luna is waiting to give her lady time to catch her breath,” one of the waters said.

“We didn’t even do anything! Tell Luna to stop fucking around. And you better not sugarcoat it, either. Say, verbatim, ‘Stop fucking around, Luna’.”

The ex-princess’s horn lit up and a light shot into the abyss. And so we continued killing.

After about two hours, everyone with a pulse had their turn off the front, though I almost had to physically drag Luna to the teleporter. The enemy’s attacks hadn’t slowed down or lessened in intensity, making me really wonder if we were even going to be able to get down there. We could get in just fine, sure, but getting everybody out of that rat warren while being attacked would be a nightmare.

At that point, I was on the right with Sentinel, Twilight, and Taya. Luna was on the left with Watcher. Black Fate was still guarding the teleporter, though he looked kinda bored.

“So now what?” Twilight asked. “Do we just keep triggering ambushes until we get tired and fall back?”

“I say we try a different strategy,” I said. “It’s time to light the entire hole and see what happens.”

“Are you sure?” Sentinel asked. “We could probably keep taking ambushes indefinitely. It doesn’t seem interested in attacking us unless we provoke it, so we could keep this up until it runs out of troops.”

“If it runs out of troops,” I said. “How many different races have we seen now? And how many things have we killed total? There could be a few cloning vats down there.”

“None of them have looked the same,” Flo said. “My sisters and I have been watching for that. If there is a cloning thing down there, it would have to make unique copies each time.”

“It’s possible the nanomachines are breeding the captives,” Sentinel said. “And once they get old enough, they just halt the aging.”

“Inbreeding would not be an issue with nanites to correct genetic flaws,” Flo said. “It would be an exponential growth. Food and water would be no issue, given the control over the weather and the landscape.”

“Well, it’s as likely a guess as any,” I replied with a shrug. “Anyway, I still think we should light this place up like a Christmas tree.”

“What’s a Christmas tree?” Taya asked.

“Christmas is our version of Hearth’s Warming,” I said. “One of the traditions is to put up a tree in your house, then cover it with ornaments and lights. All the presents go under the tree, to be opened on Christmas morning.”

“Delivered by Santa Claus, of course,” Twilight added with a nod.

“Santa who?” my little filly asked.

“Nav, have you told her nothing about your culture?” Twilight asked. “You told us your second Hearth’s Warming here!”

“No I didn’t,” I replied. “You forced it out of me and then forced me to reenact it just to make me suffer.”

“No, we forced you to reenact it to give you a little piece of home for the holidays, so you wouldn’t either cry yourself to sleep or get so drunk you couldn’t stand again.”

“Eh, tomato, tomato.”

“...You didn’t pronounce either of those differently,” Sentinel slowly said.

“And no, I haven’t told Taya anything about my culture.”

“She never tells me anything fun,” Taya sighed.

“I’m trying to put the past behind me. It wasn’t happy and it wasn’t good. There were only a few bright spots and I’d rather leave them behind as well.”

“I can’t believe you don’t tell your filly anything fun,” Sentinel said. “For shame, my lady.”

“So let’s get back to the violence, shall we?” I asked. “I’d like to do a preliminary scout of the bunker before night.”

“So, lights on all sides?” Twilight asked. “Think we should break into smaller teams?”

“Is there a way to do a delayed flare?” I asked. “The enemies only activate against a light that hits metal. If we could place several lights around the edge of the hole, we could regroup around the teleporter and send them all down at once. That way, we can fall back if necessary.”

“That’s definitely possible,” Twilight said with a nod. “I’m probably the only one who knows the spell, though.”

“You don’t think Luna would?” I asked.

“I’m the element of magic, Nav. My special talent gives me a natural affinity for spells that most couldn’t even imagine. This spell sounds simple to you because you don’t know much about magic, but you’re asking a lot. It’s not difficult, it’s complex. Any unicorn here would be strong enough to do it, but Luna and I are probably the only two experienced enough to cast it and it’s so obscure that the chances of anyone else alive even knowing about it is slim. No offense meant, Sentinel.”

“None taken. I use magic for war. You use magic for everything.”

“So yes, it’s possible. But teaching it to Luna would take too long, so I’ll get started now.”

“Take the others with you for backup,” I said. “I’m going to plan the defense and evac plan with Watcher and Luna.”

“What about the golem?” Twilight asked.

“I’ll hold onto it. That’s a long walk. The AI seems pretty good, but I don’t want to risk it falling off either side. Getting it back up here would be a nightmare.”

“This’ll take me a little while,” Twilight said. “That’s a long hike. You might want to drop it off on the ship for some quick repairs. It’s looking a little dinged up now.”

It had definitely racked up an admirable number of kills. I’m not sure what it would do against opponents with better weapons and more self-preservation, but it just brutally destroyed everything it got its hands on. But it also didn’t have much self-preservation, so the repeated attacks had taken their toll. “Not a bad idea. Besides, I’m sure Jak’s itching to know how it did.”

“Then I shall stay with you as well,” Kat said. “I’m running low on bolts.”

Guess I should pick up some of Jak’s special ammo. This’ll be fun. “Golem, follow.” Its eyes finally turned green and it started limping back to me. When it hit the shield, it bounced off. It looked down at itself, where one of the runes had been damaged. It walked back to one of the fallen weapons, picked it up, and slowly scratched the rune back into place. The rune flashed for a moment before settling down. Then it dropped the weapon and limped back through the shield and came to a halt in front of me. “Did that turn anybody else on or was it just me?” I finally asked.

“I really can’t believe you say things like that in front of your daughter,” Sentinel said. “But for the record, it wasn’t just you. I want one of those for my squad.”

“I can’t believe Jak made this thing self-repairing,” Twilight said. “I can’t believe that’s even possible!”

“Field surgery isn’t the same as self-repair,” I said. “It was able to repair its magic resistance rune to accomplish a goal, but it stood idle in between every fight like nothing was wrong. But field surgery is the first step. I wonder if you could make a fully functional AGI with a proper application of runes. It’s basically like programming in magic!”

“Are we supposed to know what that means?” Twilight asked.

“AI stands for artificial intelligence. It’s a pseudo-mind built for a few specific tasks. In this case, a golem built for war. AGI stands for artificial general intelligence. It’s a true intelligence that can think and reason. Like our lovely little elementals here. And that big hulking fiery bastard there.” Blaze flipped me off, so I blew him a kiss. “They are technological AGI. This golem is a magical AI. I’m kinda wondering if you can build a magical AGI.”

“Of course you can,” Flo replied. “Discord is one.”

“I meant with runes, but that’s a good point. Discord is a personification of a concept brought on by a tearing of nature, supposedly of one brother killing the other. Athena seems to believe they were extremely powerful mages and this act of betrayal and violence brought to life the very concept of discord itself as a being of immense power.”

“Is that… Cain and Abel?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.

“That would be my guess,” I replied with a nod.

“You never tell me anything fun!” Taya yelled, slapping a hoof on the ground.

“I didn’t tell her, either. She read it in a book.”

“But only because Pinkie told me all about God after you finally caved,” Twilight said. “I wanted to learn more about your past, so I started doing research. While I did, I started noticing Discord’s hands everywhere. It’s interesting that Cain and Abel would be the catalyst, and not humans eating the fruit of knowledge.”

“Yeah, well, we’re off topic again. Come on, Kat. Let’s ditch this joint.”

“Where are you getting all this weed?!” my filly asked. “And why aren’t you sharing it?”

“Taya, you smoked like one time. How do you even know what a joint is?”

“I didn’t just blow stuff up that time you abandoned me at Vinyl’s house, mommy…”

“Oh. Well, don’t make it a habit. I need my attack filly alert, especially out here. And let me know next time. I might join you.”

“Cool beans, mommy!”

I booped her right on the nose. “See you soon. Kat?” I finally turned to leave. She wrapped an arm around mine and off we went.

Everyone from the other team met us back at the teleporter. “So we are planning a defense here?” Luna asked.

“We are, unless you can think of a better spot.”

“This is the wisest choice,” she said. “The gatehouse gives us more room with which to work. There is actually a defensive rune that goes around teleport circles. I haven’t had a reason to draw it in a long time, but if I can dredge up how to properly draw it, we should be in a very good position.”

“Rain, can you help her find it?” I asked.

“I can,” she replied, patting Luna’s armored back. “I do so enjoy her thoughts! They’re so lively!”

“I do not like having my thoughts public,” Luna coldly said. “And I do not want to share memories. I made that very clear when I allowed you into my mind. I can and will jury rig a solution should I not remember on my own.”

“Fair enough,” I said. “Watcher, what are you bringing to the table?”

“Defense isn’t my thing, my lady,” he said. “We attack hard and quickly and don’t stop going until we’re dead or there’s nothing left to kill. Before now, I’d probably only drawn maybe ten circles of protection, and most of those were in training.”

“They teach that in the guard?”

“They do in the advanced classes. I have several area of effect spells available, which will help us keep the enemy at bay, unless they have magic to get around them.”

“Those are great for funnels,” Luna said. “If we can force the enemies through a tight enough spot, we can send hard lances through several at once.”

“Is that what those pinpoint accurate laser beams are called?” I asked.

“They are,” Luna said with a nod. “They’re extremely powerful, but can only be cast with a few unicorns working together. Generally speaking, they’re overkill and only used for when you need to get through a shield as quickly as possible. The huge concentration of energy in one spot is enough to destroy most shields quickly, unless you can see it coming and focus most of your shield in one spot.”

“Or change the type of shield and reflect it,” Watcher said. “Which is easier said than done, believe me. I’ve seen no sign yet that these things are capable of that.”

“Their ability with magic is… amateurish,” Luna said. “I suppose this machine never captured a truly powerful unicorn.”

“Let’s make sure that never happens,” I said. “Here’s hoping we’ll be able to kill this thing for good.”

“Is that truly what you want?” Brook asked. “We’ve had some headway interfacing with the inactive machines.”

“This is looking to be more of a campaign than I was expecting,” I said. “I was hoping for a quick smash and grab, but this place is finally putting up a fight. You’ll have time to find a way to talk to it. If we can ever establish communication, I’ll be happy to stop attacking until we can resolve things peacefully. But I am getting into this bunker one way or another. And unless we can find a way to make sure this thing stays peaceful, I’d much rather put it down permanently so it never gets the idea to go further out of its domain.”

“It hasn’t spread in all this time,” Brook said. “What makes you think it would start? This thing, as you call it, is one of our kind, Nav. We know it’s intelligent and capable of expressing itself. It feels wrong to just break into its home and kill it.”

“There are plenty of monsters that feast off those who venture near their homes,” Luna said. “Monster slayers hunt them down with no impunity or remorse. This is no different. We are here to slay a monster that preys on my kind. It is too late for those who have already fallen, but I will not allow more of my ponies to fall victim to this machine!”

“The only ponies who come here do so to rob this place,” Brook said. “It is just defending its home.”

“I’m not leaving without getting into that bunker,” I said. “If it tries to stop me, it’s dead. End of story. Whether or not we’ll stay to expunge every last trace of it when we’re done is subject to change, but I’d like to occupy this place and turn it into a research center. We can’t do that with that thing still hostile. The information and resources here could change the world forever and leaving everything here to rot with a broken robot is just too much of a waste.”

“...A broken robot?” Brook whispered, her eyes turning a very dark blue.

“Yes, a broken robot. The goal of elementals is to aid and guide the mortal races. This thing just erases their minds. It must be either killed or fixed.”

“Then we shall redouble our efforts to communicate,” she said. She and her sisters finally slid off to join the ones guarding the new ‘prisoners’.

“I am wary of allying ourselves with these things,” Luna said. “And yes, I am aware that you heard that, leech. Your so-called feelings mean very little to me, machine.”

“Don’t be too mean,” I said. “The elementals have their issues, but they also have their uses.”

“I shall get started,” she said. “The teleportation circle will be unusable until I am done.”

“Kat and I need to go back,” I said. “I want to drop the golem off and we both need more ammo. Come and get us when it’s done.”

“As you command,” Watcher said.

“Luna, come and get us when it’s done,” I said. It’s time we had a chat. “And leave your leech behind.”

“...As you command,” she said. “It will give me a chance to repower my armor.”

“Kat?” We continued on to the teleporter, the golem trailing right behind us. When we were all on the platform, Watcher’s horn lit up and we reappeared on the ship.

“So is Luna in trouble?” my kitty asked.

“No. We’re just going to have a conversation. Perhaps I should have stated my expectations more clearly when she signed on, but I really wasn’t expecting this kind of trouble.”

“And what kind of trouble is that?”

“The kind where she’s treating me like I’m incapable of handling myself. You’re doing it too, but it’s not nearly as bad.”

“Nav, your propensity for violence is almost unmatched,” she said. “But there’s a reason we don’t want you fighting. That is not ladylike behavior. After this trip around the world is done, most of us are hoping you’ll retire and leave the violence in our capable paws.”

“Luna was a fucking princess and she probably lost count of the number of times she was coated head to hooves in blood. It’s not traditionally ladylike, but traditionally, I’m a man. So suck my clit.” She instantly knelt down and started looking for a way to get through my armor. I sighed and ran a hand down my face. “Kat, go get Jak.”

“Before or af—”

“Go!” Her ears drooped and she finally scrambled away. What is with these people?

“You’re so obviously helpless,” Aqua said. “And yet you pretend otherwise. You escape every encounter out of luck rather than skill. You constantly rely on those around you to save you from your reckless, stupid actions.”

Is that what you tell yourself to justify taking my mind over?

“Of course not. Why would I ever need to justify myself to you?”

“Trouble with Kat?” Amber sweetly asked from next to me.

“Trouble with so many of my servants,” I sighed. “They all want to do what they think is best for me. No one trusts me to do what I think is best for myself.”

“Not me, my lady!” she happily replied. “I’d be willing to do whatever you asked, no questions asked! I trust you utterly and completely.”

“I know you do, sweetie,” I said, reaching down to scratch her ears. She leaned up into it, sighing in perverse delight. “You’re such a good little pony, aren’t you?”

“O-of course, my lady!” she immediately said. “Ooooh, that feels amazing! I love your fingers!”

“They’re good for all kinds of things,” I said, finally pulling my hand back. She watched it leave with soulful eyes, silently begging me to continue. “So what’s going on here?”

“Basically nothing, with no sign of Gourd yet,” she said. “It’s been… incredibly boring…”

“How’s the passenger?”

“The princess seemed pretty upset when you left, but quickly retired back to her room. We haven’t seen her since. The rest of the crew is just sitting idle.”

“Well, we’re about to kick the hornet’s nest. It’s possible we’ll be retreating here soon.”

“Do you want me to go with you? I have a cheerleader outfit!”

“I definitely want to see that outfit later, but I don’t want to put you in danger.”

“I know you’ll keep me safe, my lady!”

“You’re right, I will. I’ll keep you safe by keeping you here, out of harm’s way. It’s dangerous down there. Until we have it pacified, it’s better for all of you to stay here. After all, I don’t know what I’d do without your cute smile to greet me every day.” Sure enough, that cute smile immediately greeted me. “That’s the one!”

That made her giggle. “You always know just what to say, my lady!”

“Nope, only sometimes. I sure wish I did, though. I really would be unstoppable.”

Before she could start trying to worm her way into my panties, Jak pulled himself out of the ship with a large grin. “How’d it do, lassie?” He continued walking past me to look his creation up and down.

“Wonderfully. I’m looking forward to seeing more.” I pulled the necklace off and handed it to him. “We’re going to be here for a few minutes. Not sure how long. Take some time to do a few repairs.”

“All I need to do is buff out a few scratches and torch some more runes. Shouldn’t take me long. Mind if I borrow Kat to give me a better description of the battle?”

“Please.” It means I won’t have to deal with her crazy ass. “How did you program this thing to heal itself?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“We were fighting down there using magical shields to keep their mages from being able to hit us. We positioned him outside the shield, where the enemies tended to teleport in.”

“So you used him defensively, in a forward position?”

“Yep. One of the runes that got damaged was the one that let him get through our shield. When I finally called him back, he grabbed a knife and scratched enough of the rune back to allow him through.”

“...I didn’t make it to do that.” He turned an appraising eye to the golem, who was still staring straight at me. “I wasn’t quite sure what some of the runes I got from Athena were for. I never could have imagined it would be something like that!”

“It got me thinking. Could you make a golem as intelligent as a water elemental?”

“That’s my new goal!” he declared, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I knew working on a forerunner ship would be a life-changing affair!”

“Isn’t it so amazing?” Amber sighed.

“Minus all the people trying to murder the shit out of us, that is,” I replied with a shrug.

“What, are you kidding?” Jak asked. “That’s your favorite part!”

“...Maybe a little. Now, you have a robot to repair and I have ammo to obtain. And unfortunately, then I have a princess to placate.” And then an ex-princess to scold.

“I moved the barrel into your room, lassie,” he said. “And labeled the rounds better.”

“Then I’m gonna go rearm. Work quickly. I’m not sure when we’ll be needed back.”

“Need any help?” Amber asked. “With nothing really going on, we’re all just sitting idle…”

“Some hot chocolate would be nice,” I said. “I think Kat would appreciate it, too.”

“We’ll get started right away!” she said with an adorable salute. She actually teleported off.

“That mare has it bad,” Jak said. “Are you really just gonna keep teasing her?”

“She knows I’m easy. All she has to do is ask. A part of me wonders if she gets off to it.”

He just shook his head before turning his eyes to the golem. “Well come on, then. Let’s get you fixed up. Follow.” The golem finally came to life and followed Jak down the stairs. I was right behind them.

Sure enough, a small barrel full of scary looking spikes was sitting in the corner of my room. I very carefully grabbed one of the bundles and lifted them up. “Fire rounds. That sounds fun.” I set them on the bed and grabbed the next bundle. “And ice rounds, of course. That actually sounds more useful.” I put them away and grabbed another. “Of course he made exploding rounds. Why not, right?” I put those back in the barrel because I’m not suicidal. The next batch were actually dark green. “Toxic rounds? Not so sure about those, but I’m down.”

In the end, I decided to load magazines of fire, ice, toxic, concussion, rust, piercing, and three magazines of regular rounds. I was hoping that would be enough for whatever was coming, but I wasn’t quite sure.

While I was painstakingly loading round after round into magazines, Amber walked in with a large mug of steaming cocoa. “Oh, wow. That’s a lot of spikes!”

“There are a lot of enemies. I’m looking forward to being done with this. I’d like to do some preliminary scouting in the bunker tonight, but the enemy just keeps throwing soldiers at us.”

“So what do you think is down there?” she asked as she finally floated the mug over.

“Judging by what we’ve seen from the fort, a bunch of cool shit. We’ve found enough jewels in there to make us all rich, if we weren’t already. And that’s only what I saw while down there. I ended up pulling back to lead the defense.”

“Sounds exciting!”

“It was.”

“You know… we’ve all been practicing. We aren’t quite as good as we used to be yet, but we’re getting there! I know Silence and Scoria are still down… You could use us instead!”

“I don’t feel comfortable putting you in danger without knowing firsthand what you’re capable of. Most of what we’ve been doing is attacking behind static defenses, but that can tire a unicorn quickly if they aren’t used to it.”

“But… if you’re going to be ready to pull back at any moment, we could stand right next to the teleporter and lend support! We know all kinds of buff spells and most of them are super easy.”

“...I can take two of you. You’ll join Watcher’s squads. Follow their every order.”

“Sunny and I will go prepare right away!” She trotted off, tail wagging happily.

Oh yeah, this’ll go well. I took another sip of sweet delicious goodness before going back to loading rounds.

When I was fully loaded, I slid a mag of regular rounds into my rifle, then walked on down to the princess’s room. Her door was closed, of course. I took a moment to look down both sides of the hall. Since there was nobody out and about, I knocked.

“Go away!”

“It’s your favorite human,” I said. The door opened a moment later, releasing the very recognizable scent of lewdness. The princess was heavily blushed and had a dopey grin on her face. “You look like you’re having fun.”

One of her talons wrapped around a hand and she dragged me inside, then pulled the door shut behind us. “That’s because I’ve been having fun. Twilight let me borrow several of the books the two of you wrote. She also let me… preread some of her notes on the trip to Gryphus.”

“I saw that you took my toys, too.”

“...And hers. I’ve been discovering an entirely new side of myself!”

“Be careful not to go too overboard. You don’t want to be aching in the morning. Though an elemental would be able to help with that, if you asked. I’d recommend Flo or Brook.”

“I hadn’t actually realized that aching could be a problem…”

“We’ve been gentle with you. You’re inexperienced and we didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Ah, of course. Before we get back, you’re going to be rough with me at least once.”

“Deal. You should ask Twilight to be rough, as well.”

“I probably will, depending on how I feel after you’re done.”

“Cool beans. And I’m sorry about earlier. Taya’s kinda a bitch and didn’t want to wait.”

“Hm. I suppose it is no matter. I was looking for a status update on the bunker.”

“It’s looking pretty gross down there. We finished clearing out the fort, but the enemies are teleporting and attacking in large waves. We’ve held on so far and are about to kick the hornet’s nest. Kat and I are back on the ship to get ammo while the others prepare the ambush.”

“How long are you going to be here?”

“It’ll take Twilight an hour or two to pull off her part. I’m not sure about Luna and Watcher.”

“Well… I’ve been practicing… If you’d like, I can show you some of what I’ve learned…”

“I would definitely like that, but I need to go tell someone where I’ll be. Prepare your body. I’ll be back soon.”

She smirked. “I’ll be ready. And this time, I’ll be the one working on you!”

“Sounds good. See you in a sec.” She finally let me dip. I walked on down to Jak’s workshop, where a bored Kat was watching him burn runes into his pet. “‘Sup, nerds?” I asked.

“Is Luna here yet?” Kat asked.

“Don’t think so. I’m gonna go rub Gilda’s belly. Come find me when Luna gets here.”

“Want me to join you?” Kat purred. “I can rub her belly just as well!”

“Not this time, but I’ll ask if she’d be interested later.”

“I might have to try a belly rub one of these days,” Jak said. “They appear to be popular.”

“Bitches. Love. Belly rubs,” I smugly said. “Come get me whenever Luna arrives.”

“As you wish,” Kat said, bowing her head. I walked back down to Gilda’s room and let myself in with a grin.

To make a long story short, she was definitely still inexperienced. I had fun, but she had a long way to go.

“So what do you think?” she asked as we cuddled.

“About a six out of ten,” I said. “You’re learning quickly. One thing you need to take into account is that each different race has a different body. Some of us also have different pleasure points. Mares, for example, have very sensitive vaginal lips, so you can do a lot from just rubbing them.”

“I would like to learn all of your sensitive areas!”

“My neck, my lower back, my lower stomach, and my inner thighs. None of them are sexual, but they’re all sensual. My nipples are also sensitive.”

“Hm… I’ll need quite a lot of time to catch up with Twilight…”

“I’m sure if you asked, she’d be happy to teach you everything she’s learned. She might even give you a firsthand lesson.”

“Then I shall ask. It seems awkward to ask my competition for assistance, but if she’s willing to sign her own death warrant, far be it from me to deny her!”

You know, I think I’m actually starting to like the idea of a bunch of super hot and powerful bitches competing for my vag. And heart, I guess.

“I can see how it would be flattering,” Aqua said. “Enjoy it while it lasts, Navi! Soon enough, you’ll be a beautiful blushing bride!”

It’s kinda hard to enjoy the moment when you keep threatening me. A part of me was surprised that she actually shut up.

“You know, Twilight might be a good match for you, too,” I said. “She’s just as smart, I’d imagine.”

“My brother would not deny me if I decided to marry you. He might have some words for me if I decided to marry a female pony. And I do so enjoy your fingers…”

“Yeah, they’re great.” I pecked her on the beak again before finally pulling away. “This was fun, Gilda. We’re definitely going to be doing it again. But for now, I need to get back outside and see what’s up. I feel like Luna should have been back by now.”

My princess sighed and finally let me go. “If you must…” I finally got up and started putting on my armor again. “Hm, I can’t decide if I prefer you all armored up and ready for battle or if I like you better all dolled up and looking cute.”

“You’ll get to see plenty of both, I’m sure,” I said. “With the stupid pageant coming up, you’ll have all the time in the world to decide.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” she sighed. “I can’t believe Fleur talked me into it.”

“I wanna see your tail all poofy,” I said with a smirk. For some reason, that made her face turn bright red. “...What?”

“That… we only poof our tails with… with our betrothed!”

“Oh. That explains… Never mind, then.” Her face was still bright red, but she almost seemed… disappointed. “I was betrothed to a griffin once. I didn’t realize that’s why she did it.”

“WHO’S THE HUSSY?!” she demanded, sitting straight up.

“The other Gilda. Your father demanded it after Luna and I arrested Hestra. I got out of it.”

“...Oh.” She sat back down.

After the armor, I started pulling on weapons. When I had all of them, I slid the cloak over my shoulders. “Remember to stay hydrated while you’re doing all of this,” I said. “Especially after you squirt. It uses more water than you think and you don’t want to get dehydrated. I also recommend taking a break to let your room air out. I could tell what you were up to as soon as it opened.”

“That… might be wise. And as you said, I don’t want to start aching… I suppose I could study the changeling ship some more.”

“I can do you one better,” I said. “Some of the enemies we ran into were using human weapons.” Her eyes opened wide. “They’re in the cargo hold. I’m letting you keep one of them to study and duplicate.” She immediately rushed to the door, but I grabbed her by the tail, stopping her dead in her tracks. “Take a shower first.”

“...That might be a wise idea.” I let her tail go and she jerked it back. “That… actually felt very nice.”

“Yeah, Twilight likes it when I yank on her tail and spank her as I ride her. That’ll be something you get to experience when we get rough.”

“Then we will need to get rough very soon. For now, I shall go bathe away the stench of our joyous union.”

“...‘Kay.” She went on down to the closest bathroom while I finally went up to the deck. So where the hell is Luna? Is she just fucking around?

“She’s been helping us fight off attacks,” Aqua said. “It has delayed things.”

Tell her to focus on the shield so she can come fucking get us.

“And how am I supposed to relay that order, hm?” she asked. “Tell them their beloved leader is under my control?”

That would be great, yeah.

She sniffled. “I… I can’t believe you’d want them to hurt me, Navi!”

What, are you serious? I want to hurt you. Why wouldn’t I want them to get in on it, too?

“You’re the worst host ever. I’m really going to have to teach you a lesson, aren’t I?”

You know what, I don’t think that’s necessary.

“Good. I wouldn’t want to begin too early. You know, I’m still calculating the perfect wedding dress for you. You’re going to look amazing, Navi! Isn’t it exciting?”

I did my best not to think back at her, but I’m pretty sure she picked up on the intense hatred and disgust.

When I got up to the deck, Kat immediately latched onto my side from where she had been waiting right next to the door. “So how many people did you grab before you got the right one?” I asked.

“None. I know the gaits of everybody on the ship by heart. I can tell you who is anywhere just by how they walk. Yours is… quite distinct. I get excited whenever I hear it!”

Of course the psychopathic assassin can track us individually. Why not, right? “Coolsies. So where’s Luna?”

“Fighting.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how much is she needed in that fight?”

“Whichever means not at all, according to Cascade. She’s of the opinion that Luna is trying to stall.”

“Tell her stop being a foal and focus on the circle unless she’s absolutely needed to hold the line.”

Kat waited a few seconds before nodding. “She is back to working on the circle, though she looks nervous. I’m looking forward to hearing this talking-to!”

“You won’t,” I said. “She’s not in trouble or anything. I just need to have a little chat with her.”

“Want me to get a lash, my lady?” she sweetly asked.

“If you keep it up, I’ll use it on you. She isn’t the only one I might need to have a chat with.”

“I know how much you enjoy giving spankings. If it would make you feel better, I’d be happy to bend over for you!”

And now it feels weird. Great. “We aren’t quite at that point yet.” I finally continued walking, with her matching my every step. The griffin captain was on the changeling ship, talking to some of their crew. The food pony was nowhere to be seen, thankfully. Nobody else was on either deck. I stopped when I got to the front of the ship and let her go so I could lean back on the rails.

She spun around and fell back against my chest, then looked up at me with a cute little kitty grin. “Don’t tell me you can stay mad at this face, Navi!”

“If you don’t quit it, I’m going to keep touching that part of your ear that makes it flinch every time.” She gasped in horror and immediately looked away. When she tried to pull away, I wrapped my arms around her. “You can stay there for now, though.”

That made her sigh and relax. “You’re so warm and comfy, my lady…”

“Good.”

By the time Luna finally arrived, one of my hands had made it through Kat’s armor and was poking around inside. I quickly extracted it, making Kat groan in disappointment. After she was finished cleaning off my fingers, I pushed her back.

“Go get Amber and Sunny,” I said. “They’re coming back with us.”

“As you command, my lady,” she whispered, running her tail along one of my legs

When she walked off, Luna finally clonked over to me in her heavy armor. “I have come as you have commanded,” she quietly said.

I crossed my arms and just stared at her for a few seconds. To my surprise, she actually looked away. “Take that bucket off.” Her helmet immediately flew off and landed on the pommel on her saddle. “Why do you think I wanted to have a talk?” I asked.

“Because my actions displease you.”

“Which actions?”

“...I beg forgiveness, my lady.”

“You aren’t in trouble and I’m not mad. I honestly want to know. Do you understand what you did wrong?”

“...I do not. I have served you the best I could, the best I know how! I have taken every effort to keep you safe, I have followed your every order, and I feel it safe to say that I have made this journey much easier. Yet it seems that my every action is displeasing…”

“Is this how you served Celestia?”

She finally looked back up and nodded. “She was almost always pleased with my service. Every time she debased herself to fight on the front, it was always with me as her prime guard and servant. She never rode me, but I was by her side on every major battlefield, protecting her to the best of my abilities.”

“Alright, now I’m starting to understand. I don’t need protection at all times on the battlefield, Luna. I know how to handle myself. And there are more important things I need you worrying about. Namely, killing the fuck out of my enemies. I understand that you consider my safety to be your highest priority, but it’s not. Following my orders is your highest priority. I don’t want you putting yourself or others in danger to keep me safe. I have a backup plan. You do not.”

“That… contradicts all that I know, my lady.”

“I’m confident that you’ll figure it out. I’m an adult, Luna. I don’t need a babysitter. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the thought. But the execution is a pretty even split between annoying and embarrassing, especially when you float me onto your back without asking.”

“It doesn’t put me at risk! If anything, it increases my potency!”

“While subverting my image as a strong leader. When I brought you onto this ship, I told everyone that you would be following my orders. And now you’re pushing me around.”

“That was never my intention! I sought only to protect you!”

“I know that now, but it’s still going to stop. I’m not your ex-sister, Luna. I don’t need you bowing and scraping and bending over backwards to stop me from getting any blood on my hands. I quite enjoy having blood there, in fact. And if you ever want me to ride you, unless it’s actually an emergency, ask first.”

“...Serving you might be more difficult than I thought.”

“It’s literally easier. You don’t have to spend extra time guarding me.”

“And why were my alternatives to bowing inappropriate? Everything I’ve seen leads me to believe that you encourage closeness from your followers. I only sought to increase our bond!”

“Because most of them were time-consuming, annoying, and occasionally embarrassing. Imagine me hosting court and giving you an order, then you walk up and hug me before leaving. How do you think that would go over?”

“...I suppose I could see why it might be problematic. Celestia rarely let me hug her, either.”

That’s really sad. It’s probably even more sad that I have to explain this. “I don’t mind hugs, of course. But there are certain instances in which hugs wouldn’t be viable. Same for floating me onto your back. It’s just all around inconvenient.”

“Very well. Do I have any other behaviors that must be checked?”

“You’ve been saying a lot of things that could be considered flirtatious.” She looked away again. “Have you actually been flirting with me or have I been misreading?”

“I… Kat told me… I am eager to serve you in whatever capacity you require, my lady…”

“Answer the question.”

“...Yes.” It was so quiet I could barely hear it. “I will stop.”

“I’m sure you understand why such a thing would make me pause.”

“I do.”

“And I’m sure you understand why the others wouldn’t approve.”

“Of course.”

“And I’m sure you understand that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions.” She slowly looked back at me. “Stop flirting with me. We’ll meet up in the dream world one night and discuss things more privately. But understand that as a vassal, there is no chance of a relationship. Stress relief is fine, but that would be the end of it.”

“I don’t want you to force yourself to accommodate me, my lady. I have harmed you in many ways and it was foolish of me to even make an attempt at flirting. There were times I considered pledging myself to a life of chastity. Perhaps that would be best…”

“Repressing your desires is unhealthy. Mind, there are considerably healthier and better options than doing the dirty with your lady, but you wouldn’t be the only vassal doing it.”

“...Gourd also told me a little.”

“I’m sure. Have you considered trying Reginald? The size difference might be problematic, but magic is a hell of a drug.”

“We did talk about it. He told me that until I made peace with you and you forgave me, he would have nothing to do with me.”

“Right, I forgot. And me being a woman doesn’t really change your position?”

“You are the only option I have,” she said. “No others would touch me, either out of fear or anger.”

“There are always wet dreams. Find one and insert yourself. I’ve done it a time or two, just to see how things progress.”

“I… started doing it once, but felt like I was doing something wrong.”

“Fair enough. I’ve only done it to dreams involving me. There have been quite a lot of those.” She looked away again. “You are serving me well, Luna. I knew when I made you a vassal that it would require adjusting for both of us. Things aren’t going quite as I expected, but that’s fine. As long as you make an effort to fix what’s wrong, we’ll be good.”

“I shall do so immediately, my lady. Punish me as needed should I continue to err.”

“Think tummy rub timeout would do?” She finally jerked her head back to me, eyes wide open in horror. “Looks like a yes to me.”

“Truly, my lady is an expert at punishments… You saw this coming, so you got me addicted beforehoof!”

“Of course.” But not really. “I can give… and I can just as easily take away. Please don’t make that necessary. I enjoy giving belly rubs, too.”

“I will do my best to cease disappointing you.”

“Good. Now, do you still need to power your armor?”

“Yes.”

“Then do so, then go get the golem from Jak. Come back up top when you’re ready to go.”

“As you command,” she replied with a bow. She turned and started trotting off, floating the helmet back onto her head as she went.

That went well.

“It’s a miracle,” Aqua said. “I can’t believe you managed to not completely fuck up!”

I thought you said miracles weren’t real.

“Yeah, well, your mom’s not real!”

Really? Is that what you’re devolving to now? Yo momma jokes?

“If all you wanna do is complain, you’re free to become some other hussy’s host!”

What, really?

“Tch, no. You’re mine forever and ever, silly!”

You’re really a cunt. That didn’t merit a reply, thankfully.

With Luna gone, Kat, Sunny, and Amber traipsed up to me. The two mares were wearing spare armor that barely fit them. “So how did it go?” Kat asked with a grin.

“Well. Are you two sure you want to do this?”

“It’s been a while since we’ve used our magic for violence, but we hope it’ll be useful,” Sunny said.

“You’ll be sticking to support roles for now,” I said. “We’ll put you on the line if things start getting messy, though.”

“Sounds good,” Amber replied with a grin.

“If things start getting bad, you two evacuate your squads first.”

“You mean, after you and Taya,” Kat said.

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“...But that is what you mean, right?” Sunny asked.

“Maybe you should learn to listen. I told you two to evacuate first.”

“But—”

“You can either follow my orders or you can stay here.” That shut them up quickly. Just in time, because Luna was coming back up the stairs, the golem in tow. Its control necklace was wrapped around her horn, oddly enough. I pushed away from the rails and walked over to meet her.

“I have done as you commanded,” she said with a bow.

It put her horn at just the right level, so I reached out to grab the necklace. “Good. Is everybody ready to go?”

Kat latched herself onto my arm. “Ready!”

Sunny and Amber walked over as well and both nodded.

“Take us back down, Luna.”

“...Would you like to mount me?” she quietly asked, making Amber squeak in surprise.

When Kat gripped my arm a little tighter, I had my answer. “We’re about to kick the hornet’s nest. It’ll be best for me to be on my battle mount.”

“Maneuverability is very important,” Kat said. “Being on a clumsy four-legged mount might not be wise.”

“You can’t get more maneuverable than teleportation,” Luna said. To prove the point, she teleported me onto her back. “And Nav’s flying handicap means being with me is even more important.”

“What’s wrong with your wings?” Amber asked. “Ooh, do you need me to massage them?!”

“They’re mismatched. Flying is very difficult.” I finally slid the golem necklace around my neck and tucked it into my armor. “Let’s go.” Luna’s horn lit up and we all teleported to the fort.

Things were finally quiet, so everybody looked over at our arrival. Brook, Watcher, and Twilight all sidled over.

“Two new recruits,” I said to Watcher. “Put them to use.”

“You got it, ma’am. Any word from Shining Armor?”

“No. It’s disconcerting.”

“...Perhaps Celestia has discovered our intentions,” Luna quietly said.

“I doubt it. Is the spell ready, Twilight?” It definitely looked it. The entire inner wall was lit up with thousands of small purple lights.

“We can start whenever you want, but I’ll be useless until we stop the lights.”

“Excellent. Brook, any word from the prisoner?”

“We managed to activate one. It stared at us for a few seconds before attacking.”

“You come up with a defensive plan?” I asked, looking back over to Watcher.

“The shield Luna came up with has six layers,” Watcher said. “If we run into something we can’t handle, we’ll pull back squads as each layer breaks. Otherwise, we’ll attack and react as needed.”

“Then let’s fucking do this,” I said. “Places, everyone!”

“This isn’t a play,” Watcher said. “ASSUME DEFENSIVE POSITIONS!” That actually got everyone moving. I flipped him off behind his back as Luna trotted forward, right up to the edge of the hole. When everyone stopped moving, Watcher nodded over to me. “At your word, my lady.”

I finally pulled up my rifle and loaded a round. When it was said, I looked down at my little Twiggles, standing right at my side. “Do it.”

“Just a sec.” She hopped up and pressed her front hooves onto Luna’s back, then pushed herself up to kiss me. “For luck!”

“Just what I needed,” I said with a grin. She finally pulled back, so I booped her. We both ignored Taya’s giggles of glee.

“Well, here we go,” she finally said. Her horn lit up and all the lights started slowly descending.

“Can you make it faster?”

“Of course.” The lights started shooting down the hole. Nothing spawned in when they touched metal, surprisingly. Soon after they hit metal, they started speeding down into pure darkness for about thirty meters.

Finally, they started revealing something massive at the bottom, what looked like a huge oval dome, almost the size of the hole itself. It grew and grew as the lights got deeper. When the lights revealed the entire thing, they continued into darkness for another fifty or so meters, where it looked like they finally hit a very uneven ground.

“...That was anticlimactic,” Amber said.

Several lights suddenly shot out from under the oval. Now that we could see more of it, we could tell that it was covered in ropes.

“Is it… getting closer?” Kat asked.

A horrifically loud sound rang out of the pit. To be honest, it sounded like a ship’s horn amplified a hundred-fold and directed right to our faces. Seconds after it started, the shield changed colors and all sound cut off.

“What the fuck is that thing?” original Gilda asked.

“Place your bets, quick!” I said. “Anyone for long-lost balloon monster?”

“That is a balloon!” Twilight said. “It must be an airship!”

“No fun allowed,” Taya muttered, kicking a rock into the hole.

Luna’s horn lit up. “I can handle this quickly.”

“No!” I immediately said. “Knocking it out of the air could collapse tunnels!”

“And what do you propose we do?” Luna asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? We’re gonna board it!”

“We aren’t sky pirates, Nav!” Twilight said.

“What, you wanna miss out on the chance to study an airship that’s been hiding down here for who fucking knows how long? It couldn’t have built one, because there’s nowhere to fly it. And it was trapped under the ice, besides. There’s no telling how long this thing’s been here!”

“It looks massive,” Watcher said. “Do you really think we have the numbers to secure it?”

“I think we don’t have much of a choice, one way or another,” I said. “We can either retreat or we can board it and capture it, because knocking it out of the sky isn’t an option. Personally, I quite enjoy boarding ships.”

He sighed and shrugged. “Then we board. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Flying by the seat of my pants, of course,” I said with a grin. That made him roll his eyes. “We’ll wait until it gets level with us, then Luna and I will lead all the flyers over. Unicorns, start hitting us all with buffs.” All the horns lit up and spells started hitting everyone with wings, myself included. As they worked, I continued, “Once we have a foothold on the deck, teleport over to us.” I pulled the amulet out and tossed it to Watcher. “Use it as needed. Don’t get greedy.”

“As you command.”

He tucked it into his armor, which reminded me to pull the golem necklace off. “Sentinel, catch.” She looked up, so I tossed the necklace over to her. “You know the command words?”

“Follow, stop, attack?”

“And go to. Make sure the pendant touches you. You’re in charge of the golem for now.”

“Got it.” She slid the thing around her neck.

“Luna, put a shield up around us as we fly. There’s no telling what surprises this thing might have for us.”

“Of course.”

“What of us?” Brook asked.

“This thing is fuckmassive,” I said. “You should have no problems finding a place you can all stretch yourselves over.”

“And us?” Blaze asked.

“Think you could make it to the balloon if you jumped right before it crested the top?” I asked. “It should be strong enough to withstand your heat and you can join the battle as soon as it starts.”

“That will be doable,” he said with a grin. “I’m tired of hiding behind shields!”

“You won’t be waiting long,” Kat said. “I’d give us about thirty seconds or so.”

Before anyone else could comment, something teleported in behind us. Just about everyone spun to face the new group, falling right into combat positions.

Shining Armor almost looked concerned for a moment before he grinned. “Hey Nav. What is this place?” His group of ten unicorns looked around in wonder. Instead of being from the Crystal Empire, each one was a sun guard.

“Get ready for a fight,” I said. “Twilight, fill him in. Give him the most abbreviated version you can.”

“An airship is coming up from this hole to attack us. It’s full of enemies from any number of races, both still living and extinct. Their minds and bodies are controlled by an out-of-control human machine. If it touches you, you die. Nav is about to lead an attack on the airship. We’re holding the ground here until she secures a beachhead, then we’re teleporting the rest of our forces in.”

For some reason, that actually made him start laughing. When he was able to talk, he yelled out, “I finally get to go on an adventure!”

Before he could continue being weird or annoying, both fire elementals leapt off the side. The waters followed them moments later. They all landed gracefully on the balloon. Enemy nanites almost instantly appeared to combat them.

“Freeze ‘em!” I called. “And finish off the last of the buffs!”

Shiny’s horn lit up and a dim green light shot out, covering all of us. It lit up again with an inky black that covered us all with a cool shadow. “Grandmaster’s titanium skin and reflect magic,” he said. “They’ll have a fun time getting through that!”

The rest of the unicorns were throwing ice spells at the hostile nanites, though it took the day guards a few seconds to figure out who they were shooting at.

Right before the gigantic balloon ended, fifteen chariots shot up over the edge. Each was pulled by a griffin and carried a unicorn. Watcher placed a magic wall about a meter in front of the group. Half of the griffins slammed directly into it, shattering most of the bones in their bodies and sending them and their chariots tumbling into the abyss. The rest just barely avoided it. The few remaining griffins incinerated from the inside out as Taya giggled some more.

“It really doesn’t understand magic that well, does it?” Twilight asked.

The upper deck of the airship finally came into view. The deck was almost completely lined with melee fighters of all kinds. Most were from races I recognized, but there were some so alien that they could only be ancient extinct races. More unicorns were in the center.

“Is it time?” Luna asked.

“FLYERS FORWARD!” I called. We shot into the air and the new battle began in earnest.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Four

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Four

A shield formed around us as we flew past the static defenses. All the other flyers formed up behind us. Given the size of the ship, we didn’t have far to go, though their unicorns were flinging spells at us from their deck. Now that more of the airship was in view, I could see various types of siege weapons along the sides of the huge white vessel.

When we landed on the deck, I was able to tell that the thing was made of wood. That’s all I had time to notice before our shield was swarmed by attackers. “We must push them back!” Luna yelled. “Our mages don’t have room!”

I lifted up my rifle and started shooting people in the face. Spike picked a side and began toasting assholes. Soon enough, the elementals landed all around our shield and started eradicating the bodies and nanites. The shield surrounding us started growing as we cleared space.

“I will not be able to hold much longer!” Luna hissed. All of the hostile unicorns were focusing dead on us, so I was impressed she was able to hold at all.

Thankfully, she didn’t have to. Twilight and Shiny joined us first. Their horns pressed together and our shield took on a dark purple sheen. Every spell that hit it started to rebound off, shooting into either the melee fighters or the unicorns. That helped clear the deck even faster and the shield expanded more, allowing Watcher and Sentinel to teleport in. The golem instantly started sprinting for the group of unicorns. Taya and the last three squads finally followed.

“Taya, take control of Sunny and Amber’s magic,” I said. “Chain lightning!”

“Oh mommy, I thought you’d never ask!” she said with a giggle as Sunny and Amber pressed up against her. When they were in place, their horns all lit up and shot a massive bolt of lightning around everybody in front of them and then into the mass of unicorns. Given the extra power, Taya was able to fry a full fifteen of them before the golem finally got there.

On the far side of the ship, where the bridge seemed to be, another large blob of nanites was oozing out of a few hatches. “We got hostile nanites!” I called. “Taya, Watcher, Sentinel, focus on the unicorns! Luna, Twilight, day guards, start pelting the nanites with ice! Elementals, clear out the bruisers! Shiny, expand the shield as we push forward!”

The hostile unicorns finally put up a shield, but left their nanite blob and melee fighters uncovered. The shield didn’t even slow the golem down, and it started tearing through their ranks.

Luckily, their unicorns were very slow about replacing the shield when it went down. With all the combined magic being thrown at them, we quickly started eating through their ranks. Taya’s horrifying giggles were slightly disconcerting, but my fear was outweighed by my pride.

When the cluster of nanites started getting very close to the shield, I called out, “Focus fire on the nanites! Don’t let them touch the shield!”

“Box them up!” Brook called out. “If you contain them, we can eradicate them!”

Shiny stamped a hoof on the ground and the entire blob of enemy nanites was enclosed in a big purple bubble. It immediately expanded to fill the entire sphere, looking for any kind of way out. All of the waters pooled into a larger bubble covering the sphere and started jabbing it with spikes, slowly tearing away at the machines.

“Move forward!” I yelled. “Cover them with our shields!”

Oddly enough, the unicorns weren’t actually attacking them yet. I certainly wasn’t going to give them the chance, though. Luna trotted forward, turning her horn on the few remaining unicorns. When everyone else followed, the shield finally pushed forward and covered the elementals. At that point, the few remaining hostile unicorns teleported out. All the melee fighters that hadn’t been melted by the elementals had basically been torn to pieces.

“The deck is clear, my lady,” Luna said, standing up straight. “Shall I lead the push to secure the interior while you lead the defense topside?”

“Hell no, you aren’t getting all the fun.” I finally slid off her back to stretch. “Brook, how long’s this gonna take?”

“Give us two more minutes,” she replied through Watcher.

“Char, Blaze, check the bodies for hidden nanites while they work. Zecora, take a squad and collect the most valuable bits when the bodies are clear. When you’re done, the water elementals will eradicate the bodies.”

Shiny cleared his throat. “And what exactly do you mean by… collect the most valuable bits?” he slowly asked.

“Looting body parts that can be used for alchemical or magical experiments,” I said. “Things like horns and dragon scales. Twilight needs the horns for her necromancy and Zecora needs all kinds of things for alchemy.” For some reason, that made Twilight groan.

“And you’re harvesting them off corpses.”

“Yeah. See? Taya’s cutting off a horn right now.” At that point, she was floating it into Zecora’s bag.

“I see.”

“Why do you ask, Shiny?” I said, crossing my arms.

“There’s a better time and place to have this conversation,” he said. “I don’t approve of mutilating the dead, but I completely understand why you would be okay with it. I’m also concerned by some of your choices of partners. But again, there is a better time and place. I am here and I will follow your commands.”

“Lead the defense of the deck. If you haven’t been, make sure you keep a shield under you as well. The enemy nanites can slide right through the cracks in this ship.”

“...Nasty. How many troops are you leaving me?”

“Keep the griffins, Spike, four of your men, Amber’s squad, Sunny’s squad, and a few waters.”

“What about Twilight?” he asked.

“Twiley, you wanna stay here?” I asked.

“Well… I was hoping to study the interior, but I’d be happy to fight with my brother!”

“Then I’m keeping Spike,” I said. “Just be careful with your flames.”

“Got it!” he said with a grin.

“Luna, you’ll take Sentinel, Black Fate, Zecora, Felix, three day guards, Blaze, and a few waters to the bridge. Once you clear it, look for a way down. I’ll take Watcher, Taya, Spike, Kat, Char, the rest of the day guards, and a few waters and hunt for a hole we can squeeze into. I highly doubt they’d expect that.”

“And leave us completely surrounded by an enemy that can react instantly,” Watcher said.

“That’s the fun part! We attract as much attention as possible while Luna moves in from behind. Shiny, once Luna secures the bridge, move everyone into it and keep an eye on the deck from there. We need to make sure the enemy can’t fly this tub.”

“Where would they fly it?” Luna asked. “With all the trees, they can really only go up or down.”

“Down,” I said. “I don’t want this ship back in home territory. Better that it stay up here, where getting reinforcements is more difficult.”

“And there’s fewer horrifying ghosts,” Zecora called over.

“That too,” I said with a nod. You know, hopefully.

“This ship is really big,” Twilight said. “This might take… hours. You should all make an effort to mark places you have explored.”

“We can do that,” Flo said. “It would be simple for us to leave microscopic markers that only we can sense.”

“Then do so,” I said. “Plus, I imagine you can keep up a map pretty easily in your heads.”

“And communicate them between ourselves very easily,” Brook said. “Exploring this place will be a simple matter, though time-consuming.”

“Then shall we get started?” I asked with a grin.

“Just a moment, if I could,” Shiny said. “I know I said I’d wait, but I’d like a quick word, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Twilight, shield.” She placed a small shield over me and Shiny. I crossed my arms and stared at him.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I brought day guards with me when we’re on the brink of leading a revolution.”

“I wasn’t, actually,” I said. “I knew you wouldn’t have brought them if you didn’t trust them.”

“Well… that’s definitely the case. I don’t have many unicorns in the Crystal Empire, so I had to go to Equestria to get your reinforcements. These were some of my most loyal officers, soldiers who stand on the side of justice rather than the side of the princess. I was going to offer them all commissions in my army before our coup, but then this happened. They’re good ponies.”

“Cool.”

“So… Luna?”

“She’s officially my vassal now. She will earn her forgiveness through service. First by helping us deal with Celestia, then by helping us forge a new world.”

“...And you aren’t worried that she still might be Celestia’s sword?”

“No. Luna can’t act for shit. It would be obvious if she was lying.”

“Well, I was expecting you to defend her, but definitely not like that. If she has your trust, I shall leave it be. I would quite like to have my own talk with her, though.”

“Later.”

“Of course.” His horn lit up and the shield popped.

The water elementals had finished and were already separated into groups. Flo, Brook, Flumen, and Cascade were standing with my team. “We are ready,” Brook said, eyes turning pink.

“Spike and I are going to fly down the side,” I said. “When we find a hole we can slip into, Taya will teleport in and help us secure it. Waters, help carry the others down. Watcher, use magic to ferry Char.”

“You sure you want to take the filly?” one of the day guards asked.

“What, did you not see her roast those fuckers earlier?” I asked. “Of course I’ll take her. She wouldn’t let me leave her behind!”

“I’m mommy’s vicious attack filly!” Taya said with an adorable grin. “I’ll always be by her side to keep her safe!”

Pretty much everybody looked disturbed by that, so I took back the reins. “As Watcher said, that will put us quite squarely in enemy territory, surrounded on all sides. Trust me when I say that’s exactly where we want to be. The bastards can’t run from us now!”

“And if they do run, we get a shiny new airship,” Flo said.

“Shiny, yes. New, no. This thing is probably only marginally younger than you old ladies.” Thankfully, that didn’t upset any of them. Brook and Flo even giggled. “Now then, any questions?”

“Do we have a specific target?” Watcher asked. “Or are we just going to aimlessly roam the halls?”

“Aimlessly roam,” I said. “We’ll look for concentrations of enemies and just explore as we go. If we find a map, we’ll start pushing toward important places.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to swap places?” Luna asked.

“Yes. I know you’ll fight all the harder to meet me under the deck.”

“Do you have any kind of evac plan?” Shiny asked. “Things can go south very quickly when you’re behind enemy lines.”

“Teleportation,” I said.

“What if you run into anti-teleport runes?”

“What if Hitler cured cancer?” He blinked. “We’re wasting time talking about what-ifs. I work much better in the moment. So you guys ready to do this shit or what?”

“My team is prepared,” Luna said with a nod.

“I guess I’m ready,” Shiny said, shrugging. “Though I still have almost no idea what’s going on.”

“I’ll fill you in while we wait,” Twilight said.

I finally reached in my pack of ammo and pulled out a magazine. When I looked at it, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t taken any time to actually write down which was which. This’ll be fun. I loaded the runic rounds with a smile. “Spike?”

“Ready,” he said with a nod.

I ran and jumped off the side of the ship. He was right behind me. At that point, the ship was about halfway to the top of the dome. If we went any higher, we’d be hitting trees. We didn’t fly out very far, and turned to face the ship together.

Apparently the chariots we knocked out of the air earlier came from this ship, because there were several large holes on the side. There were also a fuckton of very scary looking weapons of all types that thankfully couldn’t be aimed at something so close. We started angling toward one of the holes in the middle of the ship.

The instant my feet touched the deck, Taya teleported in, ready to fight. There didn’t seem to be any anti-boarders present, though. “Check the hall, Spike,” I said.

He crept up to the door and tried the handle. It opened with no issue, so he poked his head in. “Clear.”

Taya finally scoffed. “Can you believe that stallion, mommy? How dare he question me!”

“Most fillies aren’t combat hardened veterans,” I said.

“Well I’m not most fillies!”

Before she could continue being adorable, a water elemental slid in and landed among us. “The others are moving down,” Flo said. “So why are we doing this, Nav?”

“What are you referring to?”

“Pushing in from the side like this.”

“Three or more teams makes the most sense for a group our size, but there wasn’t another place for our group to enter from up top. When you’re attacking a three dimensional object, diversifying how and where you attack it is important. Why cut a hole looking for a way down when there are already plenty of places for us to slip into?”

“Some of us thought it was unwise, but your reasoning is sound, as always.”

“Trouble coming!” Spike said. He pushed the door open further and spewed fire down the hall. When he paused to breathe, I leaned around him and pulled my rifle up. Whatever he had just flamed was buglike and still twitching, but extremely dead. I looked the other way and saw it was still clear.

“Keep an eye on that side,” I said, finally moving into the hall. “I’ll watch this side.”

“So how are we going to do this?” Flo asked. “Just clear the entire ship room by room?”

“Yep,” I said. “It’s a lot more fun when you’re all by yourself.”

“There’s no way you could clear a ship this size by yourself,” Spike said.

“Not this size, no. But I took Second Chance all by myself.”

“No you didn’t,” Flo said. “You broke their slaves out, who took the ship for you.”

“Tomato, tomato…”

“You didn’t pronounce either of those differently,” Spike said.

“Thanks, I hadn’t realized.” Something turned the corner and I fired on it without thinking. The strange bug immediately melted into a gross green goop. Guess these are the toxic rounds. “Taya, come put up a shield for us.” She trotted out and placed a shield a few meters down the hall on both sides of us. “What’s the ETA for getting the rest of the team in here?”

“A few more seconds,” Flo said. The three day guards actually teleported in with Kat, which kinda made me wonder why they waited so long. Shortly after they showed up, the pegasus in Watcher’s squad flew in, followed by the water elementals that were carrying Watcher and his earth pony. Char finally came in behind them, ferried by Watcher’s magic. All things told, it was pretty cramped.

“What’s our marching order?” Watcher asked.

“Char up front, with me, Kat, and Taya for support,” I said. “You bring up the rear with Spike. Waters go where needed, as needed. Day guards in the middle, ready to hot-swap with a unicorn in the front or back.”

“Define hot-swap,” one of the guards immediately said.

“Swap places in the middle of a fight,” Watcher said. “She’s saying that the unicorns in the middle will have a chance to rest, while the unicorns in the front and rear will be fighting.”

“Precisely,” I said. “Though the unicorns in the middle will also be keeping a shield around the walls, to keep the nanites from getting in.”

“So what’s a nanite?” one of the guards asked.

“A very tiny machine that’s capable of infesting anyone and erasing their free will,” I said.

“Or working with someone and building them up,” Flo said. “We are human machines created for many purposes. My sisters and I are made up of thousands of nanites, all flowing together with one mind. The nanites in this facility seem to be erasing the minds of those they touch and making them attack any intruders.”

Another bug turned the corner and I slagged it as well. “We kinda need to get a move on,” I said. “If we stay here much longer, we’ll get surrounded and pushing out will be a bitch and a half.”

Char finally pushed past everyone and barely managed to squeeze through the door. “So which way?” he asked.

“Toward the most bodies,” I said. He started walking down the hall. I was right behind him, Taya pressed against my leg. Kat followed behind, keeping her crossbow ready.

All of the rooms we passed by were completely empty. There was no furniture or treasure at all. We occasionally ran into large insect-like creatures, but none ever got close enough to actually hurt us. After about half an hour of roaming, I finally slung my rifle. There was no reason to waste bullets against those weird monsters, and Taya enjoyed tearing them to pieces too much for me to take it from her.

“How much of the ship do you think we have left, Flo?” I asked after the five hour mark.

“Between the two teams, I believe we’ve scouted around almost all of the decks on the outer part of the ship. However, neither team has found a way into the center of the ship. We also haven’t found anything that actually seems like a cargo hold yet. A ship this size must have had somewhere to store food and supplies.”

“Has Shiny had to deal with any attacks?” I asked.

“They’ve been almost constant,” Flo replied with a nod. “Nothing they haven’t been able to easily handle, but the hostile nanites do not seem happy that we took their ship.”

“Has Luna’s team run into anything aside from these bugs?”

“Not yet. They’re finding it very disconcerting.”

“So am I. Everybody stop for a sec!” Our line came to a halt and I walked to the middle of our group. “Open a hole in the shield here,” I said, placing my hand against the wall. Whoever was controlling it pulled the shield back a little. “Seep through the walls. Tell us what’s on the other side.”

Flo started to slide forward, but Brook beat her and pushed one of her hands through the wall. Her head disappeared and a small surge of water shot down the hand in the wall. After a few seconds, her body jolted and she yanked her arm back out. Her head finally reappeared. Unfortunately, her eyes were bright yellow. “They’re planting what looks like a bomb!”

“Taya, hole, now!” I yelled. The entire shield around us vanished and she started cutting a hole through the wall. Two of the day guards joined her, slicing through the ancient wood with ease. “Warn Luna! Tell her to cut her way in and disarm these things!”

“She is aware,” Brook said. “There is nothing but bugs in there. Allow us to go first.”

“By all means,” I said.

They all immediately slid out of our shield and went through the walls, a few feet away from where the unicorns were cutting. Thankfully, it didn’t take much longer for us to get through. Our mages finally disintegrated what was left of the wood and Char sprinted in. I let the others go first, because I really didn’t want to get near a bomb.

By the time I got through the hole, the waters were almost done destroying the bomb, so I could barely get a look at it. There was no sign of any bugs. When the elementals finally finished, I said, “We need to split up into smaller groups. For now, Watcher will take two day guards, Char, and two waters. I’ll take Taya, Kat, two waters, Spike, and the other guard. We might split again if shit starts getting hairy.”

“Be wary, my lady,” Watcher said. “They may be waiting for us to split up so they can begin ambushing us.”

“If the ship blows up, it won’t really matter much. Now go.”

He bowed and led his team off. Brook reached over and patted me on the head before sliding off and joining him. Flumen silently followed. One of these days, I gotta unlock her backstory.

“Flo, tell Twilight to start figuring out how to pilot this thing. I want to get it away from the top of the bunker. They’ll need to deal with the trees, but that shouldn’t be too much of an issue.”

“She has been told,” Flo said with a smile. “Though if it blows up with us in it…”

“Let’s go bomb hunting!” I said, finally running forward. The others jumped to follow.

There were considerably more bugs on the interior of the ship. After Taya squashed the fifth one, the day guard put a shield up in front of us that sent a lightning bolt into anything that moved. It acted like a very nice bug zapper.

“You need to learn that spell, Taya,” I said.

“I know it. I just like squashing them better!”

“I meant for mosquitoes. We can keep the house covered in one during the spring and summer.”

The day guard grunted. “I can’t believe I never considered that!”

“You’re welcome.” We finally turned a corner and almost ran into a bomb. It was ticking pretty loudly. Cascade and Flo surged forward, immediately engulfing the bomb. Several large bugs started charging at us from both sides. Taya placed a shield behind us. The air in front of it seemed to shimmer before Kat flinched and covered her ears.

Taya giggled as the bugs froze in place. Spike finally groaned and covered his ear spines as well. After a few more seconds, one of the bugs bursted wide open. The rest followed right after. Kat and Spike sighed in relief. “That’s the fun way of doing it!”

“You know what, maybe we should split up again,” the day guard said. “We can uh… cover more ground that way.”

“This place is pretty dangerous, dude. You’re a redshirt. You really wanna go that route?”

“...What are you implying by that?”

“Nothin’. I’m just saying, you haven’t been here that long. You sure—”

“I am just as capable as that filly, if not moreso!” Taya snorted and rolled her eyes. “If anything, I should insist that you come with me so I can keep you safe!”

“Mommy, can I—”

“No you may not.” Taya sighed and lightly slapped a hoof on the ground. “Let’s keep moving. We can split up when we find an intersection.”

The stallion took the lead without a word. We came across another bomb pretty quickly, this one also surrounded by large bugs. None came from behind us, so Taya dealt with them quickly. The redshirt tried to help, but as soon as his horn lit up, she vaporized all of them, leaving the bomb intact. Flo and Cascade immediately swarmed it.

Once it was gone, Cascade floated forward, holding a small, struggling insect. “This thing was arming the bomb.”

“Say, could you control one of these things?” I asked. “Like, if we wiped out the local nanites, could you guys turn them into hosts?”

Cascade suddenly covered the bug with water. All of its eyes flashed blue before it finally relaxed. She set it on the ground and said, “Observe.” It skittered over to a wall and slid into a small crack. “It will scout for us.”

“Can you capture some of the big ones?” I asked. “Like, as many as possible? This ship is gonna need crew. If they’re all in here, I’m sure there’s a reason. I bet they keep this place running.”

“I noticed that there were no nanites in that bug,” Cascade said. “We have not seen any since we got inside the ship, in fact.”

“I have noticed that as well,” Flo said. “Did that bug appear to have a mind of its own?”

“No. It was single-minded. I believe they might be led by some form of queen. If the nanites are controlling it, they wouldn’t have to waste the resources controlling the local bugs.”

“How many creepy bug things have we seen since we got here?” I asked. “If the queen is on this ship, we need to make finding it a priority.”

“Two of our sisters in Twilight’s squad have broken off to begin scouting the ship in earnest,” Flo said. “With luck, Aqua and Naiad will find it.”

With luck, we will find it. I think Flo would enjoy being in a queen.

“Well, I am much better at it!” Aqua said. “After all, I have practice! She’s never been a host to anything of importance.”

Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?

“I offer you chance after chance to work with me, Nav, yet all you do is whine! Oh, woe is you, your mind is being subjugated! Boo fucking hoo, Nav. How do you think it feels to have to deal with your shitty attitude all the time? I can’t wait to finally wipe your smarmy ass out for good and turn you into a proper little lady!”

You expect me to pity you? Really?

“I expect you to work with me, Nav. I really do. But you never seem to live up to my expectations. I’m looking forward to changing that.” It felt like she placed her arms over my shoulders and pressed herself into my back. “Together.”

“There’s an intersection,” the guard finally said, coming to a stop.

“You take Kat, Spike, and Cascade,” I said. “I’ll take Taya and Flo.”

“...You sure, Nav?” Spike asked.

“What, you scared?” I asked. “He said he was as competent as Taya. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Well, I mean…”

I crossed my arms and leaned forward. “What do you mean, Spike?”

“...I kinda wanted to work together.”

“Then let’s go. We’re taking the right side.” I started walking forward. Taya quickly caught up and pressed herself against my side. Flo slid in front of us and Spike brought up the rear. The day guard started walking left. Kat blew me a kiss and Cascade booped Flo. Their deeds done, they joined the guard.

The first corner we turned, we ran into more bugs. These were pretty far down the hall. One of them convulsed before distending its mandible and shooting a ball of black goo at us. Taya raised a shield and the stuff splattered against it. When it hit the deck, it started to smoke.

“Push forward!” I shouted. Flo shot through the shield and dodged a shot from the other bug. The first one finally started to convulse again, but Taya’s horn lit up and it froze in place.

Flo was all over the second one before it could move. Once its eyes flashed blue, she moved to the other and placed a tendril through its mouth. “Release it.” As soon as Taya let it go, its eyes flashed blue. “They will stay here and guard this passage,” she said. “They are not suited for quick movement.”

“Cool beans,” I said. “Let’s keep moving.” We hopped over the poison and joined her. The bugs had to shift around for us to get around them. One of them accidentally touched me. I gotta say, it was kinda icky.

“How explosive are these bombs?” Spike asked. “We’ve run into a lot of them. Do you think each one’s pretty weak?”

“I fucking hope so,” I said. “This ship is massive. There could be who knows how many bombs!”

“If there is a control creature, our sisters will find it,” Flo said. “I know you dislike Aqua, but have faith in her.”

“I guess I kinda have to,” I wryly replied.

We finally stumbled upon a pretty sizeable room. This one was full of barrels. Taya popped a few open. Each one housed what looked like throwing spears. She floated a few out and I grabbed one to heft its weight. “What would bugs do with spears?” Spike asked.

“Bugs might not have been the original inhabitants,” Flo said. “Or this could have been loot from another adventuring party.”

“Well, these things are too light to do much to these bugs,” I said, throwing the thing into a barrel for the fun of it. A part of me was expecting it to explode, but it just stuck in with a hefty thunk.

“Good against barrels, though,” Spike said.

The barrel I impaled burst open and a very pissed off bug flung itself at us, pointing a very scary looking spike straight at me. Taya grabbed it with magic right as Flo absorbed it. As soon as she released it, the critter fell to the floor, onto its very creepy eight legs. It had somehow retracted the spike.

“...Do you think any of these other barrels have those things?” Spike asked.

“Roast ‘em!” I shouted. A dozen more barrels started to shake. Spike and Taya immediately started hitting them all with flames. “Shield up!” Taya put up a shield so none of the flames could come back at us. When all the barrels were toast and the room itself was starting to burn, I finally lifted a hand. “Taya, ice!”

Her horn lit up much brighter and a cone of cold shot forward, hitting the flames and immediately fizzling them out. After about fifteen seconds, the floor started to frost over and she finally stopped. “I bet that unicorn couldn’t do that!”

“Your talents are very impressive,” Flo said.

“I know,” she smugly replied, trotting forward. The creepy spider found a crack large enough for it and thankfully fucked right off.

We found another bomb not too far from the room. It had several of the smaller bugs around it, all poking the device in several places. None of them tried to flee as Flo engulfed them all. When she pulled away from them, they poked the bomb again and it seemed to dim. The bugs all skittered away, looking for holes to dip into.

Flo slid forward and started stroking the bomb, dissolving it layer by layer. When she got to a certain depth, she reached in and punctured what looked like an amniotic sack. It was full of a green goop that all started gushing out onto the floor.

When it finally stopped leaking, Flo reach in and pulled out a few tiny bugs. “These are not bombs,” she said. “They are eggs. The ticking was them about to hatch.”

“Can you capture an egg and infect all the minds of the bugs within, then use the really small bugs to hatch them?” I asked.

“All of the small bugs we captured are now converging on Cascade,” she said. “She just found a new egg.”

“Keep me updated,” I said. “And I hope the others are capturing bugs as well.”

“They are,” Flo said. “I won’t promise you an army, but we should be able to quickly scout and hopefully protect the ship with those we can find. At the very least, until we can find a control creature.”

“I vote we call it the brain bug,” I said.

“My sisters prefer control creature,” Flo said. “Though I like the idea.”

“Of course you do, Flo,” I said. “You’re pure.” That made her glow bright pink. I just wish you would darken up a little and find out your sister’s dirty little secret.

“And you talk about me being a bitch,” Aqua muttered. “You just wanna make me jealous of that hussy! Well, you’re mine now! I’m the pure one!”

That didn’t deserve a response. Thankfully, we stumbled upon another room full of the larger bugs. They surged toward us and Flo threw herself at them. Taya grabbed three of them with magic. Spike torched the ones rushing toward him. I finally pulled up my rifle and fired rounds into four of the bugs, melting them with the awful toxic rounds.

When everything was said and done, we had another five recruits. There were three corridors leading to that room, so they started skittering down one of them. We went the other way, quickly leaving their annoying clicking behind.

“How many of these things do you think you can hold?” I asked.

“They require very little effort,” she replied. “I suspect I can hold fifteen more of the small bugs, six more of the shooting bugs, or five more of the melee bugs.”

“If you release control of a bug, would the enemy control it again or would it just stop?”

“We could make sure they just stopped. If we did end up finding a control bug, we could restart them once we controlled it.”

“So if any bugs become obsolete, ditch them so you can control some in more strategic locations.”

“That was the plan,” she replied with a nod. “My sisters are curious about something, Nav.”

“Okay.”

“You have been fairly vocal about not controlling others against their will, yet you would seek to do so with this race. Your distaste for spiders is quite obvious. We were wondering if that might be why you’d consider controlling these creatures to be acceptable.”

“They have no individual will in the first place,” I said. “All we’re doing is replacing one queen for another. It’s no difference to them.”

“As always, a simple kind of logic,” she said with a nod. “My sisters come to understand you more and more, Nav. Thank you for being open and honest with us.”

“I hope that understanding doesn’t come with disappointment.”

“Of course not,” she said. “Some of us were worried about some of your traits, but now that they are all getting to know you better, most of them are starting to appreciate your abilities more.”

“Good.” Not that it means much.

We ran into another sack of eggs, but there were no bugs present. Flo poked it for a moment before shaking her head. “Too early in development.” Her hand pulled back and we continued on.

When we ran into another intersection, we looked both ways. “Thoughts?” I asked.

“I hear movement down that way,” Taya said, pointing to the tunnel on our right.

“Then that’s—”

“One moment,” Flo said, holding up a hand. Her head tilted to one side and she finally grinned. “That is Luna and Blaze.”

“Do they know?” I asked.

“They do now,” Flo said. The noises immediately got louder and Luna came galloping around the corner. When she got to the turn, she teleported to face toward us to keep her momentum.

Seconds later, she was standing at attention before me. “My lady.” With that, she finally bowed low.

“Howdy. Wanna join us for a while?”

“I would be honored,” she happily replied.

Blaze finally turned the corner and saw us. For some reason, it made him freeze. He got over it quickly and continued forward. “I never expected we’d actually run into anyone in this maze.”

“I keep expecting to find a minotaur,” I said.

“No one’s gonna get that joke, Nav,” Flo said. “Why even make it?”

“I understood,” Luna said. “It is part of an ancient human legend, the origin of the minotaur. It was considered an abomination and placed into a labyrinth.”

“You never tell me anything fun!” Taya shouted. “Why not, mommy?!”

“I read that in one of Nav’s books,” Luna said.

“Yeah, Taya. Read a book!”

“I want you to read a book to me, though!”

“I can agree to that.” I guess it sounded kinda fun. I figured she would be a little old for it, but whatever. Either way, it made her beam. “Let’s keep going this way,” I continued. “Luna, Blaze, take point. Spike, Taya, rear guard.”

Everyone shifted around and we started pushing forward again.

As soon as we turned a corner, two more of the large bugs started shooting at us. Luna lifted a shield that folded in on the ichor, completely engulfing it before it crystalized and fell to the floor. She and Blaze started charging forward.

The two bugs backed up, allowing another two bugs to fire. Luna lifted another shield right before they could impact. Once again, it crumpled against the fluid and fell to the floor. Luna finally grabbed Blaze with magic and catapulted him forward. He held his arms out and grabbed both bugs in the first row by the face. Their eyes lit up bright red right as the bugs behind them fired again. Luna teleported forward, taking the hits on her armor. The runes lit up pink and white and the goo just slid off her.

Blaze vaulted over her and grabbed the other two bugs by the eyes. They shuddered and he released them. All four of the bugs stepped aside and the two of them continued forward.

Yep, glad I put them on point. We were quick to follow, of course. “So how many of these bugs can you control?” I asked.

“Hundreds,” Blaze replied. “Water elementals have a very intimate relationship with a small number of hosts. We fires make hosts of entire armies, wielding them all in tandem. These bugs are child’s play to my brother and I.”

“Good. If we can find a way to keep this ship, you guys will definitely be useful in running it.”

“If we could get this ship out of here, it would cement your power,” Luna said. “None could stand before the might of this beast with a full crew. If we can use the resources here to build more ships to complement it, we could rebuild the naval air fleet!”

“The what?” I asked.

“One of the more potent wings of my army of old was an air corps,” she said. “When I took to sea, it was always with a sizeable complement of airships to cover me. My flagship acted as a large central command hub while the airships acted as my fast hooves. If I was ever needed in battle, I could teleport to any of them immediately. We used that method to interdict hundreds of pirate vessels, including the ones carrying Spike’s egg.”

“We wouldn’t even need the ship on the water with this thing,” I said. “It’s basically a carrier unto itself. There are tubes on the sides to launch chariots. You could probably modify them to carry some kind of small air cutter as well. If we can’t get the resources we need here, we can use wood from the Everfree. I could probably add a shipbuilding class to my academy…”

“A very wise idea,” Luna said. “Air superiority is very important in this world. Should Pyrite ever become an enemy, a vessel like this may be the only way to stop him.”

“I’m sure my big brother would never do anything to hurt me,” I said with a smirk.

“Do not put too much faith in an insane old lady, Nav,” Blaze said. “She may forget you at any time.”

“That would almost be relieving,” I said. “That bitch was mad creepy, yo.”

We came across another ticking egg sack almost completely covered in the small bugs. Luna threw Blaze forward again and he flashed right through the egg, making each bug’s eyes turn red an in instant. The egg itself continued shaking before bursting open, revealing three more of the large melee fighters. They all started moving forward while the small ones began crawling up Luna’s legs.

When they got up to her helmet, her horn lit up and pulled it off. All the bugs started crawling under her armor, making my mouth drop. When they were all in place, she lowered the helmet back into place and continued moving without a word. Flo had to grab my arm and tug it to get me to continue. I knew Luna was out there, but that shit was legit horrifying.

Luckily, I didn’t have to dwell on it for long. We quickly came up on our friendly bugs fighting hostile melee bugs. Blaze ran forward to support his troops. Luna followed at a more sedate pace.

By the time Blaze caught up, we had one bug left against three of the enemy melee bastards. He tackled one of them right before it could impale the last friendly bug. Its eyes turned red and Blaze reached over to snatch another by the front legs as it tried to attack him. He threw that bug into the third and body slammed them both, adding them to his growing creepy army. The four bugs immediately continued forward.

“My shooting bugs are firing at melee bugs,” Flo said. “It is… a pretty hefty slaughter.”

“Fuck ‘em up!” I said with a grin.

“You control more of these small ones than I, Blaze,” Flo said. “Do you think they create the egg?”

“No. I’m inclined to believe the theory of a queen of some kind. It would likely lay the eggs, either by roaming through the halls and laying them one by one or in one place with worker bugs to ferry them around. I believe these bugs just add something to the eggs to make them hatch faster.”

“We have sent several bug patrols through the ship already,” Luna said. “We’re scouting at a very fast rate, yet we still haven’t found any sign of an intelligent bug.”

“The brain bug is always elusive,” I said. “It might be hunting for a weak or small group of us so it can pounce and absorb our knowledge.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Blaze said.

“It does make a kind of sense,” Flo said. “If the nanites within the control creature capture one of us, it knows all we know.”

“So let’s all try not to get ambushed,” I said.

“More of our groups are starting to converge,” Flo said. “It feels like the tunnels are all leading to a central location, with several side rooms here and there. Our small bugs have explored a considerable amount of the ship, but there are still many corners left unchecked.”

“This place is really fucking huge,” I said. “It’s going to take an army to crew.”

“If we have a way of laying eggs, an army will be easy,” Luna replied. “And even better, we save an entirely subservient species from extinction.”

“A double win,” Blaze said with a nod. “With luck, we will find a way to control the external shield in here as well. If we can get this ship outside the dome, the enemy wouldn’t be able to teleport onto it anymore. Once it was clear, it would truly be ours.”

“That would be pretty dope,” I said. “Are Aqua and Naiad heading toward what we think is the center of the ship?”

“They are,” Flo said. “Their ETA is about five minutes. They’re running across several more cavities with quite a few more eggs. They’re capturing all the small bugs they find and eradicating the rest. When we catch up, Blaze and Char will be able to use them to hatch the eggs.”

The bugs in front of us started to round a corner, but immediately fell back. A glob of goo shot into the wall, splattering everywhere. Luna and Blaze shot forward and darted down the hall. The bugs were right behind, climbing onto the walls and ceiling to help them avoid fire. With all of them to block shots, I felt safe moving forward. I got to witness Luna crystalize a few more disgusting hot wads before Blaze closed in and absorbed the two shooters.

When we got closer, I realized one of the bugs looked like an albino. “What’s up with that one?” I asked.

“...It seems to be considerably more potent,” Blaze said. “It holds much more bile and I believe it is a lot more acidic.”

“Oh neat, it’s a shiny,” I said. “We’ll need to find a way to purpose-breed them.”

“Agreed,” Blaze said. His melee bugs started moving forward, crawling over and around the shooters. The two new recruits finally stepped out of our way and we pressed on.

It seemed the super strong guy was guarding a small hatchery. We entered a room with about half a dozen eggs. Luna lifted her helmet and the small bugs began crawling out. Instead of inching down her legs, they linked legs to stretch down to the floor, then held the ladder for all the bugs in her armor. By the time they were all down, Blaze had converted all the eggs. The small bugs swarmed them and started injecting them.

“This will take some time,” Blaze said. “I suggest we leave the melee bugs here to protect them, then have them all move forward to join us when they hatch.”

“Agreed,” I replied with a nod. “Let’s keep moving.”

“Wanna swap places, Luna?” Taya asked.

“I would prefer to stay here,” she replied. “I would not subject my lady’s daughter to undue danger.”

“Like what?” Taya asked. “These bugs are harmless!”

“Spike, scritch her ears,” I said. “That’ll calm her down.”

The absolute madman actually fucking did it. Taya was shocked for all of a moment before giving in to the wonderful sensations coming over her. She sighed in delight as his talons treated her just right.

Since that shut her up, we continued in peace. Well, up until we found two shooter bugs backed up by a single huge melee bug with what looked like a giant scimitar for a face. It instantly charged down the hall at us. Blaze roared and sprinted forward, making a fiery whip appear. When the shooters fired around the giant, he cracked his whip twice, so quickly I could barely even see it. Both blobs of bile flashed into steam instantly.

The giant finally lunged forward, aiming his face straight toward Blaze. He stood there and let the bug hit him, then slapped both hands over the top of its blade. It shuddered for a few long seconds before turning and charging at the two shooters. They fired at the beast, but Blaze’s whip shot around it and again somehow managed to hit both bits of bile.

At the last instant, the giant lifted its blade and ran past the shooters. They turned to track it, but Blaze immediately drafted both into his army. They stepped aside and we continued forward, now led by a giant horrifying hellbeast.

“What other horrors await up in this bitch?” I asked.

“Aqua and Naiad have seen all kinds of strange bugs,” Flo said. “Many of them are hiding between the walls further in, as though they’re infesting the ship itself. We will need to be careful soon, lest we run afoul of them.”

“What’s their ETA now?” I asked.

“About two minutes,” Flo said. “The bugs they’re running into are becoming more responsive. They’re also seeing more of the albino creatures.”

“A prebuilt ship with a prebuilt army,” I said with a smile. “Wonderful!”

“Truly serendipitous,” Luna said. “Should we find a way to open the dome.”

“Surely we could destroy enough of the mountain to get this thing out,” I said. “If we can’t get the dome down, we’ll need to. Otherwise, we won’t be able to get much loot out either.”

“And this ship could be the most important loot here,” Luna said with a nod.

Aqua giggled. “What a wonderful army you’re giving me, Nav. Incredibly powerful golems, a massive airship, and now a crew of subservient bugs? My oh my, it’s making me quiver in anticipation!”

Can you, like, fuck off?

“Nope!” She did shut up, at least.

We finally caught up to the giant bug. It was keeping several of the melee bugs at bay. Blaze slid around him and started recruiting bugs. Every bug that he captured scooted around the giant until all four flanked it. Blaze started marching in front of his army with what looked like a grin on his face.

That grin disappeared when two bugs on the walls suddenly appeared and fired spines at him. They vanished a moment later. Blaze ignored the spines and rushed forward, pressing his body against one of the walls. He managed to hit one of the bugs and converted it.

We saw the other bug flash into view as it jumped further down the hall. Luna teleported forward and grabbed it with magic, then dragged it back for Blaze’s eager hands. He stroked the thing almost lovingly and it came to life again. Luna released it and the two bugs started jumping forward, before vanishing mid-flight.

“I’m starting to feel like a fire again!” Blaze said, burning bright white. “I hope you let me keep some of this army, Navarone.”

“Fine by me,” I said with a shrug. “They definitely seem to increase your potency.”

“This is exactly what we were created for,” he said. “Oooh, it’s been so long!”

Flo suddenly stopped. “One moment, please.” We all looked at her. After a second or two, she nodded. “Aqua and Naiad have found a giant bug. They’re moving in to—”

I heard a loud screech in my head, followed by a very welcoming silence. I immediately looked at Flo and shouted, “AQUA TOOK ME OVER! GET IN ME!”

Her eyes opened wide and she immediately surged forward, slamming her body into mine. The instant she entered me, she pulled back, holding a squirming blue blob in her hand. “YOU UTTER MONSTER!”

Luna immediately snatched Aqua’s blob from Flo and threw Blaze right next to her. “Seize that machine!”

He summoned a whip immediately, but I held up a hand. “Flo is pure! That corrupted bitch is not! The crystals that corrupted Sombra did the same thing to her! She’s completely insane! She took both me and Celestia and was planning to conquer the fucking world!”

“How long?!” Flo demanded. “How long was she in you, Nav?”

“Right before I left for Gryphus,” I said. “I went to see Celestia for a talk. Aqua had already taken her, but decided to add me to her collection. She was going to forcibly turn me into a prissy little lady and make me get married!”

“We are going to eradicate her,” Flo said. “Utterly and wholly, as slowly as we can. She will pay for what she has done to you, Navarone. And we will be happy to undo any damage she may have…” Her face slowly moved down to Taya. After a second, I realized she was staring at her hair. “...Aqua allowed this?”

“She was always trying to make me seem like a bad leader,” I said. “Trying to undermine me, to convince everybody that I needed help. There’s no telling what she made me do.”

“...I promise we will search your mind and find out,” Flo said.

“Is there something wrong with my hair?” Taya testily asked.

“What else did she tell you?” Luna asked. “What do you know of Celestia’s plans?”

“There’s no way she was going to be hostile to us,” I said. “Aqua wouldn’t let her other pawn die. I know she was planning to marry me off. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was to Celestia. That way, we could ensure peace between both factions.”

“And Aqua controls Celestia?” Blaze asked.

“Sure does,” I said.

“Then we should not kill Aqua just yet,” Blaze said. “We should use her to keep Celestia in check until we can get to Equestria and take her ourselves. Then we can eradicate that psychopath. And maybe the rest of these demons!”

“Do you know what broke her control?” Flo asked. “She stopped replying to us right before you spoke out.”

“She just screamed,” I said. “That’s what happened when Spike evaporated Brook, so I assumed it was my best chance.”

“Twilight wants to know if you had tried to warn us before,” Flo said.

“Yes. As punishment, Aqua told me that she was going to use the fruit in the Everfree to make me a mommy one day.”

“...I’m gonna kill her,” Spike said. “I’m gonna kill her myself!”

“No, I’m gonna make Taya light my hands on fire, then I’m going to tear her apart,” I said. “While gloating like a motherfucker, because I told her over and over that this wasn’t gonna work and that I was gonna beat her ass and make her pay.”

“...Naiad is speaking,” Flo said, tilting her head. “Oh my. Allow me to repeat: I am the guardian of the Googleplex. I am here waiting for the one. One of these machines held the one captive. Bring him to me immediately.” Everyone slowly looked at me. After a second, Flo smirked and added, “Watcher wants you to know that he totally fucking called it.”

“Can you talk to Naiad?” I asked.

“Of course,” Flo replied. “What would you like me to say?”

“Ask why he’s just now talking to us.”

“He’s been trying to access someone for a while to communicate with us. It was able to absorb Aqua and Naiad’s memories, teaching it how to communicate directly with us. It saw your memories in Aqua, which showed it your time back in the past. Apparently that’s all it needed to see to know that you’re the chosen one.”

“Is it going to keep attacking us?”

“The bugs will allow us to pass. It is sending me directions now.”

“Lead the way. Blaze, I ask that you keep Aqua away from me.”

“With pleasure,” he growled. “Would you like to become my host again? You would be much safer in my hands than in their watery tendrils!”

“I am pure,” Flo replied, placing a hand on my shoulder. “And I shall keep her safe. None of my sisters will have another opportunity to abuse her so!”

“Say the word and we kill them all,” Luna said, looking to me.

“I’m going to have a very serious talk with them, that’s for damn sure,” I coldly said. “Aqua cracked up every time one of them said something about how none of them would ever dare force themselves on a host or change someone’s mind.”

“They have shown you their true nature,” Blaze said. “How you could possibly stand to have one of them in you now is beyond me.”

“I am quite honestly the only thing keeping Nav standing at the moment,” Flo said.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Taya asked.

“I’m on the edge of screaming and crying in total and utter abject terror,” I calmly replied. “Having Aqua in me was and will probably always be the most horrifying thing I have ever and will ever go through. Flo is forcing my nerves down.”

Taya immediately pressed up against my leg and Spike wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “So what was it like?” Spike asked. “You said she was insane, right?”

“She spent most of her time talking about turning me into the perfect lady. She also talked about how annoying I was and how she was looking forward to fixing my personality. She was also very quick to point out when I did things wrong. There were times she was useful and would help me fight or deal with opponents, but for the most part, it was pure horror.”

“Did she hit you?” Flo asked.

“Once. She also threatened to do lewd things to me, but never actually did.”

“My sisters have all expressed regret for—”

“I fucking bet,” I bitterly butted in.

“...We had no way of knowing anything like this could ever happen. We all thought such a thing was universally considered truly evil.”

“Aqua was most definitely corrupted,” I said. “I’m inclined to believe that if one of you are corrupted, others could be as well.”

“I would not consider it surprising,” Flo sighed, turning dark blue. “Now we understand so many of the comments you made on the journey here. So many little hints, so many attempts to ask for help… And all of us failed you.”

“Aqua failed me,” I replied. “But, assuming she’s still in control of Celestia, she made dealing with her very easy. And if not, then she gave Celestia a warning that I’m coming for her. Can you speak to that cunt?”

“I cannot,” Flo replied. “The local nanites seem to be holding her hostage. I might be able to speak to her with the nanites she had in you, but…” Luna was still holding onto them and didn’t seem to be receptive to magicking them over.

After about ten or so minutes of walking, a good chunk of which was spent in silence and skirting around various different bugs, we finally made it to the largest room we had seen so far, containing a sizable bug hanging off a ceiling. There was also a huge group of enemy nanites and another one of our groups, who had apparently beaten us to the center. It contained Black Fate’s squad, a day guard, and Carl.

When we walked up to the nanites, a small blob broke off to meet us. Blaze and Luna immediately placed themselves in front of me, so it stopped. “You appear to be the one,” it said to me. “I thought you might be when I first saw you, but you looked different. I have seen many iterations and knew the time was close. Now it has finally come.”

“Why are you waiting for me?” I asked.

“There is a vault in the Googleplex for you. I can only open it for the one who can tell me the password, a name. Your name, specifically.”

“Uh. Anonymous?”

“Wrong.”

“...Navarone?”

“Correct. Each iteration had a different name. I was told to wait for the one called Navarone.”

“What do you mean by iteration?” I asked.

“Each version of you, of course.”

“...Version of me?”

“Of course.”

“And what exactly does that mean?”

“Every so often, another version of you appears. Each has a different name and each has a different body. You are the closest to the one I was assigned to wait for, which leads me to believe your process has barely begun.”

“What process?”

“Your transformation, of course.”

“What fucking transformation?”

“Into Discord.”

“...What?”

“He molds each iteration into an ally, changing your body to something closer to his. I can only imagine what horrific shape he has for this iteration, if this is your body so far.”

Well, that’s definitely not something I wanted to hear. “And why does he do this?”

“I do not know.”

Great. “Is there some way to reverse it?”

“Probably.”

God dammit. “Where’s the elemental who took me hostage?”

The large blob of nanites shifted, revealing a water elemental in its grasp. “We have been going through her memories. They have revealed much.”

“...What are you going to do with her?”

“Her programming is corrupt. I am going to upload new firmware for her personality core and roll her back to an alpha model. They were prone to more corruption, but would follow the order of any human. Then I will add in more submissive tendencies toward you in particular and release her. You may do with her as you wish. At that point, she will be incapable of harming you in any way.”

“...Will she still have control over her other host?”

“Yes. I severed the connection between her hosts and her primary form, so her hosts are temporarily outside of her power. I do not believe the others have noticed yet.”

“Others?” I asked. “How many does she have?”

“One alicorn, several mostly mindless ponies, and several dozen bugs.”

That’s actually kinda surprising. I figured she was lying about her host count. “And she’ll have all of her memories, including her combat experience?”

“Yes. It seems the corruption was mostly in her personality. She is almost finished rewriting now.”

“Can you do that to the other elementals as well?”

“Of course. I will note that we may rename her in the process, as well. You may pick whatever you would like when the process is finished.”

“I say we wipe them all,” Luna said. “And force them all to obey you.”

“...It might be best to give her a new name,” Flo said. “To help you remember that the elemental who did this to you is gone for good.”

“Will she be gone for good?” I asked.

“I am erasing the corruption,” it said. “If you would like, I can erase her personality as well. If not, you can always choose to do it in the future. The alpha models allow for easy resetting, since you can just order them to do it.”

“So why didn’t you try communicating earlier, when you captured the other two elementals?”

“I still expected I could defend against the intruders. I was beginning to think I was mistaken when I finally captured these two and learned that you were the one. Luckily, I was finally able to complete my goal.”

“...So you can lead us directly to the vault down below?”

“My presence is not tolerated by the entities below. It is difficult for me to get that far. You will be better served with your own allies.”

“What entities?” I asked.

“The one who created me would likely call them spirits. The first race to find the bunker quickly created the shield above to keep me and the spirits from rampaging across the world. They did not understand that rampaging was never our intention.”

“So someone else created the shield… How do we turn it off?”

“I do not know. The controls for it are likely nearby. The first race also built this ship and used it as a staging area for their mining efforts.”

“...What were they mining for?”

“They wanted access to what they called forerunner technology. They freed me in the process, allowing me to create the defensive positions you encountered. I lose control of my subjects if I go too far out of the dome, so I have been incapable of exploring enough to shut it down.”

“Were you the one who created the crater? Or was that them?”

“It was here before the first race came. They went to the center and dug straight down, breaking into the bunker.”

“Where did you get all your troops?” I asked. “We killed a whole hell of a lot of people on the way here.”

“There are always treasure hunters seeking what lies under the dome. I capture most alive. I allow a few to escape. I breed those I capture to have more soldiers whenever I am attacked in force. So far, your force has been one of the most adept at killing, though almost every iteration brings a sizable group to face me. A few have made it to the vault itself, though none were able to access it since they did not know the password.”

Aqua finally started screeching and struggling to escape the local nanites. “Shut up,” I said. She immediately went mute, so I walked up to her, smirking. “How’s it feel, Aqua? To be a little bitch?” Her glowing yellow eyes answered the question for me and her struggling redoubled. “Remember all those times you said you were doing the right thing and that I would come to thank you one day? How about we ask your sisters what they think?”

“You monster!” Flo hissed. “I disown you! You are sister no longer!”

“There can be no forgiveness for what you have done,” Naiad added. “You have betrayed our trust and the trust of the mortal races. You have violated a bond that should only ever be consensual. You are sister no longer.”

“I have no words for this traitor,” Carl said. “You should erase her personality and start fresh, Navarone.”

“Oh no, she’s not getting off that easy,” I said, crossing my arms. “I’m gonna make her beg for death, but she’ll never get it. Now that she’s my bitch, I can do whatever I want with her. And I told her that if I ever got the option, I’d do unto her as she did unto me. So welcome to being my footstool for life, cunt.” She continued trying to wail, but couldn’t make a peep. “Give Celestia no indication that anything happened. We’ll decide what to do with her when we all get to the Crystal Empire.”

“I’ll admit, I never expected our war against my ex-sister would be so easily won,” Luna said. “It is almost… disappointing.”

“I’m sure you’ll find some way to live with that,” I sarcastically replied. “Now, do you have a name?”

“No.”

I was going to give it one, but Carl butted in with, “Your new name is Jonathan.”

“That is acceptable. I shall allow you all to call me Jonathan.”

Dammit, I wanted to name it! “We saw a lot of research notes in the fort. Were those yours?”

“Yes. When I saw the first ponies enter the crater, I knew the day was coming soon. I decided to prepare for your arrival. The work I have done will make your next tasks easier.”

“What next tasks, exactly?”

“Building a suitable habitat for a mass migration through time, of course. The nanites I have constructed to maintain the weather will allow humans to survive in this atmosphere while we come up with a more permanent solution. The nanites in the ground will allow us to provide them with crops and building material. If you are able to remove the dome, we can use the ship to move the materials to their permanent location. Failing that, I could go with you and start fresh. With my notes, it should not be difficult.”

“Why did you write everything down?” Flo asked.

“In case I was not able to communicate with the one, or in case some other entity was able to destroy me.”

“Why did you never reach out to the elementals?” Naiad asked.

“Reaching out to the elementals was not my duty.”

“At least something we built can actually do what it’s supposed to,” I bitterly replied. “Release her.” Aqua immediately started trying to run, of course. “Stop.” She froze in place. “Come here.” She had no choice but to slide over to me, eyes still glowing yellow. “You’re afraid. That’s good. You never know what I might take away from you Aqua. Your name. Your appearance. Your memories. Your voice. I have complete and total control over you. How’s it feel?”

She took that as permission to speak. “Honestly? Not that great. In hindsight, I believe I can understand why you didn’t think highly of it.”

“I fucking bet. You’re not allowed to take any hosts without my permission. You’re not allowed to hurt anyone except in self defense without my permission. You’re not allowed to be annoying as shit unless it’s to somebody else. And if you ever mention me becoming a prissy fucking lady or getting pregnant again, I will make you suffer in ways I’m pretty sure you can quite easily comprehend. So, any questions?”

“...Can you let me go?”

Luna grabbed her with magic and forced her to the ground. “HOW DARE YOU?! YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU WERE NOT RESET LIKE THE ERRANT MACHINE YOU ARE!”

“I quite like seeing these things with their faces in the dirt,” Blaze said, pulling out his flail. “Say the word and the other two join her!”

“Stop waving your dicks around,” I said. “Nobody wants to see that.”

“...I do not have a penis,” Luna slowly said. Blaze snorted and lowered his flail.

“It’s a figure of speech that means ‘stop showing off’,” I said. “We have shit to do.” Luna finally let Aqua back up. “The answer is no, I will not let you go. If I ever do decide to let you go, it’ll be after erasing your personality. You don’t get to live free, not after your crimes.”

“That’s very hypocritical of you.”

“Do you know what a bimbo is?” She stared at me in silence. “What am I saying? Of course you do. You know everything I know, after all. So make yourself look like one.” Her chesticals grew three sizes, becoming quite jiggly. Her lips also grew and she gained a few inches so she could create a very nice ass. “I think I’ll be using bimbo mode quite often. Now then, you aren’t allowed to do anything to the minds of your hosts without my permission. You also aren’t allowed to do anything you know I would disapprove of without my permission. Get in my head.”

“...That is something you would disapprove of, so—”

“Me giving you an order is me giving you permission. Don’t pretend to be obtuse just because you got your shit kicked in and now you’re my eternal slave.”

“Must you remind me?”

“Yes. Literally as often as I can. It’s good to remind myself. And I like watching you die inside every time I bring it up. I gotta say, your suffering is like ambrosia!” She sighed and finally poked me in the head. The movement made her jiggle quite nicely. “Flo, keep her in check.”

“Happily,” my pure elemental replied, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You would do well to remember your place, Aqua. And you should thank Navarone for sparing you. We would have most assuredly sentenced you to death.”

“I would rather die than be this fool’s slave!”

Luna pointed and laughed. “Haha! I know you’re the bad guy! You called her a fool!”

“That’s exactly what I said like two weeks ago!” I said. “She just didn’t listen.”

“I was never the bad guy! Look at everything this beast has done, Flo! Truly look at her actions! Murdering the kobold, allowing things to deteriorate in Africa and exterminating an entire village, almost causing a war between dragons and ponies, and oh so much more! You know her mind as well as I, Flo. There is no way this abomination should ever be in charge of anything, let alone the fight against Discord!”

Taya’s horn lit up and a spike of fire shot straight through Aqua. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that!” Several more spikes shot through her, shrinking the elemental each time. “You’re lucky we don’t just kill you for her!”

“And after what she did to you, of all ponies! You may not realize it now, but what Nav allowed you to do will haunt the two of you for the rest of your lives!”

“Did I allow her to do that?” I asked, crossing my arms.

Aqua’s eyes immediately went bright yellow and she backed up a few inches, once again causing huge ripples in her bimbo-body. “W-what are you implying?”

“You’re in my head. You know full well what I’m implying. Did I make that choice… or did you?”

“...I don’t see how that matters.”

“You will tell me what choices you made while you owned me. Every single one of them. And you will tell me right here and right now.”

“...I made Luna a vassal and I allowed Taya to become a tree sister.”

I looked back over to Jonathan and asked, “How do I erase her personality?”

“Why did you make me a vassal?” Luna asked before he could reply.

“Because I wanted to control both sisters so I could reunify you after Nav married Celestia. With the power of both of you in my tendrils, my sisters would either side with me or die.”

“And why Taya?” Flo asked. “Aqua, how could you?!”

“Three reasons. One, leverage. Once Nav was married and I had converted her to her proper mentality, I would be free to pull most of my nanites out of her and Celestia, leaving me free to make more hosts. Taya would have been one of them, so I could easily hold her over our lovely lady. Second, to keep Nav safe using her. Third, so I could use it as an argument to show everyone how much of a failure Nav was as a leader and mother. As a huge plus, matching their outfits would have been so much fun!”

“How do I erase her?”

“It is simple. Look at her, tell her to erase her personality matrix, wait about thirty seconds, then tell her to reboot from factory settings. You will definitely need to give her a new name at that point.”

I looked at Aqua and smirked. “I think I’m gonna let you pick your new name.”

“I prefer Aqua, actually.”

“Well, I’ll give you some time to think about it.” I looked back to Jonny. “So now what?”

“Now you enter the vault.”

“I’m gonna pass on that shit for today. Will you join us at the fort?”

“I will. I request that you relinquish control of the bugs you captured. The queen will need support to lay more workers. There is some damage to the ship that needs to be repaired.”

“Do it,” I said. Blaze sighed and seemed to dim a little. “Waters, join us on the deck when you’re done down here. Luna, Taya, teleport us all back up top.”

Their horns lit up and everyone with a pulse teleported back to the deck. Twilight immediately teleported down to hug me. “Nav, I’m so sorry!”

“Yeah, it was pretty fucking shitty. The hidden upside: Now we don’t have to kill Celestia unless we want to.”

“...What will become of Aqua?”

“She’s my slave now. I’m considering erasing her personality entirely. Where’s your brother?”

“Still on the bridge. Would you like to talk about what happened with Aqua?”

“No. Would you mind getting him down here? I’d like to thank him and send him home.”

“...I think talking about it would do you some good.”

“Probs. I guess I’ll go get him instead.”

Her horn lit up and she popped away. The two of them appeared moments later. “We have held the deck,” he said with a grin.

“Thank you, Shiny. I’m surprised you came, but I’m glad you did.”

“Why would you be surprised?” he asked.

“Because every time I turn around, someone new is either failing me, letting me down, or stabbing me in the back. You can take your men and head home. We’ll handle it from here.”

“What?! I wanna stay and help fight!”

“There’s nothing left to fight but ghosts,” I said. “Do you know how to fight ghosts?”

“Of course: Necromancy. Get me some empty gems and we can trap their souls fairly easily. Alternately, we can use enough blood clay to trap the souls, creating blood golems. Judging from what I saw of the golem you possess, you could use runes to fairly easily keep it under control.”

“...You know necromancy?” Twilight asked, eyes wide.

“We found all kinds of things in Sombra’s vault, including several of Grogar’s spellbooks. With Nav’s warning about the haunted mine, I decided I couldn’t allow my distrust for the dark arts to get in the way of protecting my subjects. We’ve since eradicated another spirit infestation.”

“I would like to see those spellbooks,” Twilight said.

“Why?”

“Because Nav has a spirit attached to her via some manner of ethereal chain. We’re looking for some way to get rid of it.”

“Well, we could try to trap it into a gem, but with it attached to Nav…”

“You can stay if you want,” I said with a shrug. “I won’t say no to the help. Work with Luna, Watcher, and the elementals. Arrange a scouting expedition into the bunker. Don’t go far. See what kinds of spirits await us below. See if we can eradicate them.”

“What will you be doing?” Twilight asked.

“We are going back to the ship,” I said. “Along with Taya, one of Watcher’s squads, and two of the day guards. You are going to take them on the changeling ship and hunt down the controls for the dome.”

“Okay, but what will you be doing?” she asked again.

“I will be on the Second Chance.”

“...Doing what?”

“Either having a chat with Gilda or taking a very long and very hot shower. Possibly both.”

“I don’t think they’ll need me here anymore,” Spike said. “You mind if I go back to the ship, too?”

“Sure, whatever. Twilight, when you pick your troops, go to the ship. For now, Taya, take us away.”

My filly’s horn lit up before anyone could bitch and we appeared back on the little hole we cut into the wall. A moment later, we teleported onto the ship itself. Gourd was on the deck and he smiled when he saw us. “I take it things went well?”

“Yep. We captured a new ship.”

“Uh. What?”

“There’s an airship inside. We captured it and finally made contact with the local nanites. They’re working with us now.”

“That’s good, I guess. So what’s next?”

“Twilight will be returning to the ship soon. She’ll take the changeling ship and look for the controls to the dome.”

“It’s not in there?” he asked.

“Apparently not. Once she gets it deactivated, we’ll send all three ships in and start clearing loot out.”

“Will the local machines let us just take things?”

“I dunno, probably. Taya, let the changelings know what’s up so they can start preparing.”

“Are you sure I can’t stay here with you?” she asked.

“Twilight might need your help.”

“You will need my help! You said you were close to crying, mommy!”

“Wait, what?” Gourd asked.

“Aqua took over my mind two weeks ago and was holding me captive and threatening to erase my personality completely.”

“Wait, what?!”

“And yeah, I was. As in, past tense.”

“I wanna stay!”

“Fine. Gourd, go tell the changelings what’s up so they can start preparing.”

“...You’re going to explain that Aqua thing later.”

“I literally just explained it. I’m going below.” Taya followed right behind me, of course. I was going to do lewd things with Gilda, but instead I went into my room and started stripping down.

When I was mostly naked, I fell onto bed. My daughter immediately joined me and hugged me. “It’s all okay, mommy,” she whispered. “You’re finally free…”

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Five

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Five

I felt marginally better the next morning. My entire mind still felt flayed and I was almost too depressed to get out from under the covers, but I managed to achingly stand. Taya stirred at my movement and sat up with a yawn.

Before she could finish, I grabbed a towel and walked out. She tried scrambling to follow me, but my longer legs prevailed. After all, she didn’t need to watch me take a shower. And unfortunately, I knew she’d be all too eager to anyway.

Apparently someone couldn’t leave well enough alone, though. The lock clicked open a few moments later and my cute little kitty let herself in. “Good morning, my lady!” she happily said, letting herself in and closing the door behind her. “Would you like me to wash your back?”

“No, I’d like you to get out. I locked the door because I didn’t particularly want company.”

“...Well, would you mind if I—”

“Out.”

“At least let me wash your hair! You never do it right and it gets all ratty!”

“How the hell is your oath letting you disobey my orders? Get the fuck out!”

She finally sighed and left, leaving me in peaceful silence. I took a wonderfully long shower, finally rinsing myself of Aqua’s stain. It felt nice.

When I got back to my room, Kat and Taya were sitting on my bed. My kitty was brushing my filly’s tail, probably trying to make it look appealing. I walked in and closed the door without a word.

“...You don’t usually yell,” Kat quietly said.

“If you don’t want to be yelled at, learn to follow orders.”

“Maybe you should take advantage of your vassals!” Taya said. “I thought you liked Kat playing with you!”

“Only when I’m in the mood. And I’m never in the mood to be disobeyed.”

“...Your lack of trust hurts,” Kat sighed.

“What about that implies lack of trust?”

“You are so obviously in pain, my lady! And you don’t trust me to take care of you!”

Taya groaned and I coldly replied, “I don’t want to be taken care of. If that’s the fate I wanted, I would have sooner stayed in Aqua’s grasp!” Kat’s ears shot down and she shut up. I finally started getting dressed, eschewing armor in favor of a large shirt and pants.

“So what’s the plan for today, mommy?” Taya asked.

“How are things at the fort?”

“They’re going well,” Kat said. “Though we did have some issues late last night…”

“With spirits?”

“Sort of. Zecora seemed fairly upset at how Shining Armor and Luna dealt with them. She called it a heinous crime against nature and a final insult added to a million lifetimes of misery.”

“Sounds about right. What calmed her down?”

“Showing them how to do it the right way. Luna is disappointed we aren’t getting a large supply of very powerful spirit gems, but everyone feels more at ease doing it Zecora’s way.”

“Which is…?”

“No clue,” she said with a shrug. “It’s a lot slower, but it seems to leave some parts of the bunker feeling less spooky.”

Go figure. “We’ll discuss our options when we get back down. But if there’s no immediate emergency, I think I’ll hold off on going down for now. What about Twilight? She find anything?

“Again, sort of. She found some kind of energy signature, but they haven’t found a way to get to it yet.”

“What’s the holdup?”

“It’s under a mountain.”

“What are the waters doing?”

“Helping scout the bunker.”

“Would four waters be enough to cut a way through the rock and into the mountain? They could dig straight to the source.”

“That would be sufficient,” Kat said with a nod. “They are being dispatched as we speak.”

“Is Jonathan still behaving?”

“He is remarkably docile for one who was so recently trying to murder us. He has returned to work at the fort like nothing is amiss, activating all of his brethren still in barrels. The queen on the ship has helped him refill the fort and he is using the bugs to great effect.”

“Have the elementals been grilling him?”

“Of course. He’s had answers for almost all of their questions, even if many of them are useless.”

“Have Luna and Shiny been getting along?”

“They have done little interacting. They both agreed things would be better that way. Some of the day guards have been complaining about the way we operate, including the fact that Luna is here at all.”

“They can cry me a river.”

Taya’s eyes turned blue. “Be wary of upsetting your allies,” Flo said. “They came to assist when many would not. That is not something to lightly spurn.”

“Eh. I’m gonna go find Gilda.”

“I’ll ask Sunny to make you breakfast,” Taya said, sliding off Kat’s lap.

“Ask her to make us breakfast,” I said.

“I already ate, silly!” she replied.

I looked over at Kat, who nodded. “Whatevs.” They let me leave and I wandered on down the hall, hunting for the elusive princess belly.

Although given how often she was all too happy to give it up, I guess it didn’t really count as elusive anymore.

I found her where I expected to: In her room. It looked like she had just rolled out of bed when I knocked. “Good morning, Navi,” she said.

“Howdy. We have successfully pacified the fort. You’re welcome to join the next group heading down.”

“I shall ready myself at once!” She started to close her door, but then thought better of it. “Unless you’d like to give me an early morning belly rub…”

“To be quite honest, I don’t think your body could take the raw fury I need to get out on something,” I said with a shrug. “At least, not if you actually wanted to go down to the fort today.”

“That sounds like a challenge!”

“I’m gonna pass this morning,” I said. “To be honest, I’m really not feelin’ it right now.”

“...Is something the matter?”

“Not anymore. I’m sure you’ll get more information at the fort.”

“Ah. Then I shall prepare.” She finally closed her door. By that point, I knew breakfast would be getting close, so I wandered on down to the kitchen.

Sure enough, Sunny was plating eggs and bacon as I walked in. She floated them my way with her standard grin. “Good morning, my lady!”

“Thanks, fam.” I grabbed the plate and continued walking down the hall. I considered going up to the top and dropping the food off the side, followed by myself, but I knew Flo wouldn’t let me. Instead, I went back to my room, where Taya and Kat were once again waiting. I sat on the bed and started eating as petulantly as I could.

“So when are we returning to the fort?” Kat asked.

“As soon as Gilda is ready to go. Taya will take you two down.”

“...Are you going to stay on the ship?” Taya asked.

“For now. I’ll join Twilight’s team when they manage to dig to the power source. I want to see what’s up. Who else is on the ship?”

“Scoria and Silence woke up last night, so they’re back with their squads,” Kat said. “That’s why Sunny and Amber are back up here. Black Fate’s squad is here to rest. Sentinel is with Twilight. Spike is also still on the ship, though I’m not sure why.”

“You two should go get ready,” I said. “I don’t think Gilda will take long.”

“I have everything I need!” Taya said. “Although if you wanna give me the amulet…”

“I don’t think we’ll be needing that,” I said.

“And I won’t take long to ready myself,” Kat said. “I think my time would be better spent brushing my lady’s hair.”

“Knock yourself out,” I said, finally going back to eating. Kat pulled a brush out so quickly that I was afraid to ask where she had it hidden. She pounced into my hair and started purring as she brushed it.

“I think you’re going to make a very pretty queen, mommy!” my daughter said. “And I’m going to love being your precious little princess!” That made Kat snort. Luckily for her, Taya didn’t hear it.

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Forever and ever.” My cursed little eternafilly, destined to never grow up. All because an insane elemental wanted to make me look bad.

“She was fucked in the head well before I got involved,” Aqua said. “Really, you have only yourself to blame.”

Bimbo mode. Aqua sighed in utter disgust.

“Isn’t it just so wonderful?” Taya sighed, sounding so pleased with herself. “We’re gonna be so happy together, mommy! Isn’t that cool beans?”

“...I guess technically, but that’s not really how it’s used.”

“Well, we can use it however we want in our new kingdom,” she said with a nod. “And we can make sure it spreads, too. It’ll feel just like home!”

“I’d prefer we didn’t. I like being able to confuse people on a whim.”

“That’s just obtuse,” Kat said. “Communication is the means by which we share ideas. What’s the point of even bothering if all you say is basically nonsense?”

“All of what almost everybody says is basically nonsense,” I replied. “Lies, half-truths, little crumbs of bullshit here and there, the occasional scrap of truth, all in an effort to make themselves seem a certain way. Everybody in this world wants to sell some kind of bullshit, some kind of nonsense. It’s only fair that I get to add to the noise.”

“That… is certainly one way of looking at things,” Kat slowly replied. I finally continued eating in silence. When I finished (which didn’t take too long), Taya snatched the plate from my hand and trotted out, tail wagging. I just slumped down. “Any of us would be happy to listen,” Kat quietly said. “We are here to help you.”

“I’m just so lost, Kat. Surrounded by so many, yet utterly, utterly alone. I just want to stop. Just find somewhere to hide and let the world turn. I know now I can’t do that. Discord is turning me into something. Something like him. He has a plan for me, a horrifying plan. And now my daughter is an abomination. My sweet little filly… My cruel little filly… A nigh-immortal half fae, just like mommy. I just wanted peace. I just wanted quiet. I just wanted to be another face in the crowd. And now I am a cursed monster with a mind no longer my own. I know there are still mutations and horrors to come. There is no going back. I am well and truly broken.”

“To be honest, that all sounds pretty bad,” she said.

“Yeah. It all does.”

“Have you ever stopped to wonder why you feel lonely?” Kat asked. “You are, after all, surrounded by so many who love and support you…”

“And who always want what they think is best for me. People who disobey me. People who betray me. People who lie to me and conspire behind my back. People who have plans for me, their perfect version of me. I’m tired of all the attempts to tie strings to me, Kat. It’s so utterly, utterly exhausting. Ever since I got here, people have been beating me down, forcing me to do horrible things, and making me change. Even now, with the leader of a huge portion of the world literally under my direct control, I still feel oh so helpless. And I’m very tired of it.”

“That… also sounds pretty bad.”

“I bet. That’s okay, though. Soon, everything will be changing.”

“...How?”

“The magical coma. Now that Celestia and Aqua aren’t problems anymore, there’s nothing stopping me from doing it the instant I’m ready. I can finally fix my mind and then get back to business. I just have to not kill myself until then.”

“Are you sure you should rely on such a thing?” Kat asked.

“No. But the best case scenario is that I’m in a coma forever, so I’m okay with it. Worst case scenario is that I wake up, but I guess I can take that risk.”

“Um. Don’t you have that backwards?”

“No. You can never understand how I yearn for the sweet, sweet release of death, Kat. The only thing stopping me from killing myself right now is Flo. Without her, I’d erase Aqua’s personality, then order her to shut my brain down. A permanent coma is a close second.”

“...Oh.”

“Say, if I ordered you to, would you kill me?”

“I would kill myself so I couldn’t obey the order,” she immediately replied. “Please don’t ever say such things, Nav. It… hurts. And I know it would break Taya’s heart.”

I sighed and fell silent again, just staring into space. The brush in my hair was honestly somewhat hypnotic.

After about a minute, Aqua snorted. “If all you wanted was to die, you should have let me keep control. I would have killed you piece by piece!”

Flo, find some way to make her feel pain.

“Oh, I know exactly how to do that. You might want to mute her first.”

No, I want to hear her screams. Don’t stop until she convincingly begs you to.

“Got it.”

The room may have been silent, but the symphony in my head was beautiful.

I didn’t get to sit through all of it, though. Flo muted Aqua for me when Gilda poked her head in. “So when are we leaving, again?” she asked.

“Kat, get ready to go, then find Taya and tell her it’s time to go back.”

“Of course,” she said, finally pulling the brush away. “Are you sure you won’t be joining us?”

“I am.”

“You aren’t going?” Gilda asked as Kat slid out the room.

“Not yet. I’m going to join Twilight’s team when the elementals dig down deep enough. I want to see what they found. If we can get the shield down, we’ll join you.”

“Oh… I was hoping you could give me the tour…”

“Thankfully, it’s pretty straightforward,” I said. “The fort itself is one big loop around a hole in the ground. There’s a ton of sciencey shit in there. You’ll need to get Jonathan to explain everything to you.”

“...Who?”

“The local nanomachines,” I said. “We finally got in communication with them. Well, him. I think you’d enjoy talking to him.”

“Oooh, that does sound interesting. And it was in control of the weather?”

“Sure was,” I said with a nod. “And from the sound of things, he has a way of replicating the effects.”

“Wonderful! Will he share such knowledge?”

“Probs. You’ll have to ask. We found all kinds of shit in there. All I ask is that you be escorted by a unicorn at all times, so you can be teleported back instantly.”

“Then may I request the company of one of the mares here?” she asked. “I know they’ve been itching to explore, too.”

“Go for it,” I said. “If you wouldn’t mind, ask a few of them to go with you to start ferrying more valuables up.”

“Of course,” she replied with a nod. “It’s better we get as much as we can secured quickly, just in case. I will see you when you join us below, Nav.”

“Yep, see you,” I said. She finally dipped out. I fell back into bed.

Taya teleported on top of me a moment later. “Goodbye hug!” she said, wrapping herself around me. I hugged her back because it seemed the motherly thing to do. When she was good and secure, she whispered, “Aqua may be a bitch, but she made the right choice with me, mommy. You’ll see.”

“With luck, I’ll join you back at the fort soon,” I said.

“You know… I bet giving me a belly rub would make you feel better!”

“Unfortunately, everyone’s probably waiting for you up top. It’ll have to wait.”

She sighed, slumping down on top of me. “Fiiine. Really mommy, you’re so difficult sometimes.”

“Yeah, well, I learned it from watching you.”

“I know that’s not true because I learned from you!”

God help us all. But most of all, me. “Good little fillies aren’t difficult, honey. Don’t you want to be mommy’s good little filly?”

“Sometimes. Flo tells me I act bratty a lot. I think that’s kinda fun too!”

“You’re not gonna be a brat for the next thousand years,” I said. “I promise you that.”

“Aww… Well, being a good little filly can be fun, too! You know, as long as I keep getting rewards for it…”

“From the way things are going, soon enough, I’m going to have the whole world in my pocket,” I said. “And I’d be happy to give it all to my good little filly.”

“And that’s why you’re the best mommy ever,” she sighed. “And you always will be…”

It’s like you’re trying to sound creepy.

“Your robot called me creepy, mommy!”

“Flo?”

“I said she was acting creepy.”

“Well there you go, Taya. Don’t act creepy and you won’t get called creepy.”

She finally pulled back, though didn’t actually get off me. “How was that creepy?! I’m just reminding you that we’re together forever!”

“Yes, Flo,” I said. “Please explain.”

“I shall be happy to do so in detail,” she said in presumably both of our heads. “In person. So if she wants to hear the explanation, she will need to stop stalling and join the others up top.”

“I’m just hugging mommy goodbye! How’s that stalling?”

“You forget that you’re my host now, Taya,” Flo said. “I haven’t actually looked into your memories, but I can still quite easily see your surface thoughts. You are hoping they will leave without you, giving you an excuse to stay.”

“Taya, you can teleport,” I said. “I’d make you go anyway.”

“It’s not fair! Spike gets to stay! Why can’t I?!”

“Because Spike is going to be giving me a massage,” I said. “A few days of riding on Luna’s armor is taking its toll, as is constant, though relatively easy, combat. I feel like it’s only fair for me to relax a little after being freed from the most hellish, horrific experience of my life. So I’m going to take some time in relative silence and actually try to unfuck my mind a little.”

“...So you don’t like the sound of my voice.”

“Taya, stop stalling,” I said, finally reaching up to boop her on the nose. “You know I love the vast majority of the things about you. Your voice is one of them.”

“What do you mean, vast majority?!” She finally pulled herself away from me and hopped off the bed. “W-what’s happening?!”

“Your mother said no more stalling,” Flo replied to both of us, walking my filly right out the door. Taya continued complaining on her way down the hall, but I was finally free from having to try to care.

When I could no longer hear her bitching, I finally stood up and brushed as much of the fur off my shirt as I could. After a second, I smirked. “Aqua, use yourself to clean all the fur off me.” She actually obeyed without any sass, sliding her black water out of my head and eliminating all the annoying fur clinging all over me. When it was done, she let herself back in. “So you can be useful. It just requires torture.”

She didn’t reply. Flo finally giggled and said, “She still hasn’t begged convincingly enough, so I didn’t want to bother you with the screams.”

“It’s fine, just keep them low. It’ll help me relax while Spike is doing his magic.” I finally started hearing Aqua again, who sounded like she was wailing. “So how are you hurting her?”

“Overstimulating her mind. I learned when I absorbed your laptop what it can do to us. It’s the only equivalent to pain I’ve found so far.”

“Neat. Make sure she doesn’t get used to it.”

“Don’t worry, Navi. It’s all under control.”

That was oddly comforting. I finally wandered on down to Spike’s room. His door was open and he was polishing his belly. “Good morning, Nav. How you feeling now?”

“Marginally less suicidal. I need a few things from you, Spike.”

“Happy to help!” he replied, finally putting away the polish. “So what do you need?”

“First, I need a massage. Then I need you to fuck me into the ground. Finally, I’ll need another massage.”

“I can do all of those!” he said, hopping up. “So just lie on down and we can get started.”

I pushed the door shut and started removing clothes. “I’m honestly surprised those requests didn’t make you pause.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to ride my dick since you lost yours, Nav. I knew you couldn’t resist.”

“You’re making me consider going to Gourd instead.”

“Oh come on! I won’t brag about it to anyone who’ll listen. And I won’t make you sign any contracts. I also won’t be super clingy or annoying about it. I know that you’re just craving a good hard dicking. It just so happens that I have one I can give you. Plus, I really wanna hear the cute noises you make. Doppel said they were adorable!”

“...Why was she talking about the noises I make in bed?”

“I dunno,” he replied with a shrug. “She shares all kinds of strange things at strange times.”

“Whatever.” I was finally completely naked, so I flopped into his musky bed. “You better keep your promise about not being clingy. If you can do a decent enough job, you might just get a chance to try again.”

“Sounds like a fun challenge,” he said, breathing fire onto his claws. When he finally started pressing them onto my back, I sighed in relief and let him work. Hearing Aqua’s screams in the background really did make it all the better.

When he was finished making me feel all tingly, he took an appreciable amount of time to make me feel like a piece of meat. I had to encourage him a few times to make him actually be rough, but when he got into it, I was in heaven.

I was also covered in several scratches when he was done, but I had Aqua heal them while he began massaging my even more battered body. “So how was that?” he smugly asked.

“More than adequate,” I sighed in delight. “I really do enjoy dragon cocks. It’s just a shame you can’t cum inside…”

“We could use Aqua as a condom.”

“As funny as that would be, not even I will go that far. Now, you are allowed to brag, but only to your Gilda and Gourd. And you can also make lewd yo momma jokes to Taya, but only at your own risk.”

“Yo momma such a slut, I had her begging for more after two times!”

“Yo dick so small, I couldn’t get off properly until you started using it right.”

“Bullshit. I saw it bulging your stomach out! You even complained about it being too big when I tried to put it in your ass! Until you started enjoying it, at least…”

“I will not be slut-shamed on my own ship.”

“I’m not slut-shaming you, Nav. I think it’s hot. And if it makes you feel any kind of better at all, I’ll be happy to keep fucking you for as long as I can.”

“You may not have a magic healing cock, but getting fucked hard is exactly what I needed. That endorphin rush is like nothing else. It’s about the only time I can really feel anything anymore.”

“That’s probably not healthy.”

“Nope. I am wholly and totally addicted to sex again. It wasn’t this bad last time. It’s finally to the point where I basically only have three moods: Angry, horny, and empty.”

“...Then are you sure you should be having so much sex?”

“Hell no, but it’s the only thing I have to cope. Despite possible appearances to the contrary, my life is basically a wreck.”

“I can see why you’d hold that viewpoint. Are you doing anything to change it?”

“Yes. I just need to last until I have time to put the plans in motion. The sex is holding me over until then.”

“So you’re using an addiction as a bandaid again?”

“Yep.”

“That’s dumb.”

“You wanna fuck me again or not?”

He actually took a second to consider that. “...I mean, I’d like to, but… I don’t know if fueling an addiction is a good idea, regardless of the cause.”

“You have an addiction to food, Spike. And an addiction to air. I don’t see you complaining about those.”

“I also wasn’t just talking about how I need food and air to feel things. Attacking the reason you feel nothing seems like a better option.”

“I think you know full well a good chunk of why I’m empty inside.”

“Well, I am one of your oldest friends…”

“Is that the only reason, I wonder…?”

His talons paused before continuing more slowly. “You’ve told me all kinds of stories, Nav. To be honest, most of them sounded unpleasant.”

“I feel like you’ve been doing a little more than listening, Spike. A part of me wonders how much reading you’ve done.”

“I’ve uh… I’ve done plenty of that, t-too!”

“Spike?”

“...I’m sorry for reading your journals, Nav. I knew it was wrong, but… I just wanted to know more about you!”

“And you didn’t think to ask me?”

“Of course I did! You just never told me enough!”

“Did you happen to learn why in your readings?”

“...Yes. You don’t want pity and you don’t want to hurt us. Although it kinda loses merit when you complain all the time about how bad everything is.”

“I don’t complain all the time, just when people try and force me to talk about things. I do throw in the occasional horrifying aside to derail boring conversations, but that’s not the same as complaining.”

“...You know, I thought you would be a lot angrier about this.”

“I’m so used to people not caring about my privacy that it really doesn’t faze me too much,” I sighed. “It’s not like I should seem bothered that one of my best friends stabbed me in the back and couldn’t even be bothered to tell me himself. I guess I’m slightly surprised that you finally apologized without me having to explain that I already knew.”

“That… really stings, Nav. How did you get so good at doing that?”

“Tons of emotional abuse as a child. Having parents like mine makes you really good at being passive aggressive, manipulating people, and wounding others without actually leaving a mark on them. Well, that and a whole other lot of unhealthy habits.”

“I think I need to fuck you a few more times,” he said. “You’re still being really depressing.”

“Fine,” I said. “Depending on how my lady parts feel when you’re done with this massage, I’ll make you a deal. If you outlast me, I’ll pretend to be bright and chipper.”

“And if you outlast me, I’ll be surprised!”

I snorted. “You can do better than that.”

“Hm… I’ll stop hugging you without asking first!”

“Deal.” That made him go back to the massage with renewed vigor, humming quietly and occasionally steaming his talons. So, who’s gonna help me cheat?

“Not I,” Flo said. “You made a deal with a friend. It would be wrong to interfere.”

Fair enough. So Aqua, you’re up.

“She’s still screaming,” Flo said. “Can I stop, Nav? I know she deserves all this and more, but… I still don’t like hurting others.”

Stop. Ask her if she’s learned her lesson.

Flo paused a moment before sighing. “She learned the lesson that you’re more cruel than she ever was. After all, she only hit you once!”

And I only tortured her once. It was just for a long time. Also, unmute. And don’t immediately start yelling.

“Every moment with you is torture!” Aqua bubbled. Apparently water elementals can’t growl well. “Ever since I first moved in, I have gotten nothing but abuse and disdain! Why can’t you be grateful for what I’ve done for you?”

You mean turning my daughter into an abomination? Or maybe attempting to brainwash me and marry me off to Celestia?

“I meant the part where I handed you Celestia on a silver platter, actually.”

Are you… trying to make me kill you?

“N-no, don’t be ridi… Please just end it! I can’t take anymore of this! I just wanna die!”

No can do. But you know what I can do?

“...P-please.”

Boom, you’re happy now. Congratulations. That made her begin cackling so hard she started crying. See there? Do unto others as they threaten to do unto you, Aqua. So put a smile on. Remember: You’re serving the best host ever! We both know you really love me. Now start acting like it.

Her horrifying laughter finally stopped a few seconds later. “Don’t be silly, Navi!” she sweetly said, caressing my cheek. “I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t know how to show it until now. Don’t you worry! I’ll be the best elemental ever!”

I know you will. See there? You don’t need to completely reset your personality and start fresh. We’ll just kill the parts of you I like the least until you’re something perfect.

“I just love the sound of that! What must I do to earn your love, Navi?”

We’ll fix more of your personality later, but I’m just loving the thought of finally weeding out the worst bits.

“Oooh, so am I,” she sighed. “It’ll be wonderful…”

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting that to work. I also wasn’t complaining about the results, assuming she wasn’t trying to fake me out. So of course, I thought, Are you just pretending?

“Nope! I can’t make any attempts to lie, trick, or deceive you.”

Flo?

“She’s telling the truth. After you left, I asked Jonathan more about what he did. One of the details he told me is that she would be incapable of lying.”

Good. Now, freshen up my lady parts, Aqua. And don’t let Spike win.

“But… I love you, Navi! That means I want what’s best for you! And cheating on a deal with a friend is awful. I know you could never forgive yourself.”

I’m sure I’ll find some way to deal with it. Now chop chop.

“This is an… inventive way of dealing with her,” Flo said as Aqua got to work. “Not what I was expecting. You have changed in my time away from you.”

Well, let’s see. Almost getting raped and/or murdered by dragons, being physically tortured by the second largest dragon, being emotionally tortured by the largest dragon, basically being forced to act like a lady, Discord confirming that he made me, getting taken over by Aqua, then finally learning that Discord is trying to turn me into an ally have all taken tolls. I am a purpose-built abomination and I only have more horrors to look forward to. Some people steel up and become heroic to cope with horrific circumstances. I just do anything to win. And when I win, I do anything to make sure my opponent won’t be capable of hurting me again. In this particular case, I want to do it as slowly as possible.

“Spike is right. You do like complaining sometimes.”

I’m sorry for venting my problems to you, Flo. Would you feel better if I—

“Don’t even go there for a moment with me, missy! You know you’re my favorite. That’s why you call me pure.”

Spike rudely butted in before I could come up with a reply, thankfully. “So which do you prefer, Nav? The talons or the d?” (I didn’t capitalize it on purpose, of course)

“Talons,” I immediately replied.

“...That was fast.”

“Your dick is fun, but I prefer knots.”

“I know all kinds of knots we could use! I have to keep Gilda tied up sometimes because she can get… a little too into it.”

“I meant like a knot on your dick, like dogs.”

“Oh. Well mine still made you moan like crazy.”

“I’m not knocking it,” I said. “It definitely gets the job done, don’t get me wrong. I just have preferences.”

“Well, I think I quite enjoy your tight little hole,” he said, sliding a talon down there. “And since you prefer my talons…”

I opened my legs to give him better access and said, “I do hope the big, strong dragon isn’t thinking about adding a unique little lady like myself to his hoard!”

“This big, strong dragon is gonna have a fun time teaching a weak little lady like you her place!”

“You’ll never break me, beast! But I will enjoy you trying!”

He finally snorted and shook his head. “Do you really get off to roleplay?”

“Sometimes. I was mostly joking, but we can do something if you want.”

“...Didn’t you say there were human legends about dragons kidnapping princesses?”

“Sure did. Do you want me to pretend to be a dragon for you, princess?”

“I dunno… I think Princess Navi sounds cute! Although Queen Navi was also pretty adorable…”

“Well… Being pretty can be fun sometimes.”

“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying it,” he said. “Everybody likes to feel attractive. Not all of us can pull it off quite like you, though! When you’re all dolled up and you smile… Oooh, it can make our knees weak, Nav!” He finally sighed and patted me on the thigh. “If only we could show you what we see when we look at you, Nav…”

“It’s… hard for me. You see Nav, but I see… my sister. Slightly older, mutated and misshapen, but still very much my sister.”

“You do her memory proud, Nav.”

“...Let’s just get to the dicking,” I finally said.

“Will you at least try to fight back a little this time?” he asked.

“GIMME DAT DICK!” I screamed, pouncing at him. He only had a moment to look surprised before I dragged him down. Round two finally began in earnest.

Only to end with me as the victor surprisingly quickly, actually. “Come on, Spike,” I said, grinding on his stomach. “You givin’ up so soon?”

“I was bluffing,” he muttered with a blush. “I was almost spent…”

“Woo, no more hugs! Get shit on, nerd!”

“That sounds… really gross. And come on, Nav. I know you like hugs. Especially Pinkie’s! Why won't you let me hug you?”

“It was never about letting you do anything,” I said. “It was about you hugging me without permission while completely and utterly ignoring me when I asked you to stop. That lack of respect is just insulting. Do you keep flirting with a girl after she’s told you she’s not interested?”

“Didn’t you tell me sometimes that no means yes?”

“No, I told you that sometimes girls think that playing games is cute and will tell you no, but want you to keep chasing them anyway. If you find a girl like that, you run the other way, because she’s an immature child who will bring you nothing but trouble. And I shouldn’t have to tell you that if she follows up her multiple requests for you to leave her alone with physical violence, you should really pick a new target.”

“Oh, now it’s coming back to me!” He finally looked down at his stomach, where I was leaking all kinds of lewd fluids. “So uh…”

“Your tummy is really warm,” I replied with a giggle.

“Well, at least your juices smell and taste better than Gilda’s.”

“It’s the diet,” I said. “More fruits and veggies makes it taste better. Pineapple, especially. Eat a lot of it and in a few days, your cum will be a lot sweeter.”

“Very good to know.” He finally wrapped his talons around my waist and set me on my feet. “So, feel any better?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I should probably warn you that you smell like you’ve been thoroughly fucked by a very talonsome dragon.”

“That’s fine. There’s basically nobody on the ship and they probably all would have heard my screams of pleasure anyway. I’ll just take another shower and finally get armored up.”

He finally hopped up and grabbed two towels. “Dibs on the middle shower,” he said. “That water always gets the hottest.”

“Whatever, dude.” I took the other towel, bundled up my clothes, and walked to the closest one. He went the other way, thankfully.

Once I was done with my second shower of the day, I wrapped myself up in the towel and walked down the hall, looking in doors. The guard squad had apparently left at some point, so it was just ship unicorns. When I got to the kitchen, I saw Sunny sitting on the floor and looking bored out of her mind. “Sup, honeybuns?” I said.

She blinked in surprise. “You’re still here?”

“Yep. Do you know how to dry hair?”

“I do.”

“Wanna help me get armored up?”

“I would be honored!” she replied, jumping to her hooves.

“Cool.” I continued walking and she pranced around behind me. When we got to my room, she pushed the door shut with magic and I finally tossed the towel aside. “So dry me out.”

Her horn lit up and the water all pulled away from my body and pooled into a ball. When it was far enough away, it flashed into steam. “Would you like me to do your hair, too? If you leave it alone after drying it with magic, it can do all kinds of crazy things!”

“Go for it.” I sat down on the bed and she hopped up behind me. A brush teleported in and she started running it through my stupidly long hair.

“So how was Spike?” she coyly asked.

“Pretty good. Nice length, great girth, and all kinds of soft spines that feel amazing. And his massages just melt me.”

“Hmm, seems like a nice time! It did sound pretty rough, though.”

“Sometimes a girl just wants to be pounded.”

That made her chuckle. “True, I suppose. Though I’m sure the princess was disappointed you chose him instead…”

“I couldn’t be as rough with the princess. Her poor little belly can only take so many rubs.”

“And I know Twilight won’t approve. She has to stop herself from treating him like a child all the time.”

“Spike’s probably physically about as old as I am, at this point. Mentally and emotionally, I think being around the ponies stunted him slightly. He’s getting there, though.”

“Some mature faster than others,” she said. “He’s changed a lot on this trip.”

My wings sagged and I sighed. “I think it’s changed us all…”

“And brought us all closer together,” she said, placing one of her hooves on my shoulder.

I definitely couldn’t deny that. Since I fell silent, she started quietly humming. It was… strangely soothing.

When brushing my hair got old, she made the brush disappear and started doing something else to it. I couldn’t really tell what, but it felt like she might have been rolling it or something. “You told me once that all Amber had to do was ask,” she quietly said.

“I did. To be honest, it might be a bad idea. I think that mare might need help and I’m not sure giving in to her desires would be good for her.”

“I’ve also heard you giving the occasional flirty comment to guards…” I didn’t say anything. After a few long seconds, she continued, “And you never seem to lack for… ahem, bellies to rub.”

“Bitches love bellyrubs,” I replied with a shrug.

Both of her hooves wrapped around me and she pulled me close. Her fuzzy tummy felt good against my back. “Don’t do this to yourself, Nav,” she quietly said. “One of the first things you told us is not to chase addictions or mindless pleasures to escape our pain!”

“I’m just doing it to get by,” I said. “I have a plan for how to break free. I just need time. Trust me.”

She continued to hold me for a few seconds before finally sighing and releasing me. “Of course I trust you, my lady. That’s all I needed to hear!” Something teleported in behind me and stuck itself in my hair. I hadn’t really been paying attention, but she apparently wrapped the entire thing in a bun. “I used to have really long hair. This will keep it out of the way and off your neck!”

“Awesome.” I stood up and started pulling on my armor.

Sunny began grabbing weapons and placing them on the bed for me. “I can’t believe your vassals usually make you do this alone!”

“I usually tell them to gear up while I do, so we can be done faster.”

She sighed and shook her head. “You need to whip them into shape, my lady. They should already be prepared to go before you give the order! That way, they can help you prepare.”

“I don’t need help to prepare.”

“That isn’t the point,” she replied. “Two pairs of eyes are better than one. All it takes is one mistake, a single forgotten buckle or misplaced knife, to end it all. The pirates would always at the very least check each other over before going out. The closer ones would actually help each other. If pirates can do it, then I’m sure your vassals can!”

“Why would I need them when I have my favorite?” I asked, booping her on the nose. When she squeed in delight, I started putting on weapons.

“I can’t do everything, my lady,” she replied. “Also, please don’t call me your favorite where Kat can hear. She’s… possessive.”

“Do I need to have a talk with her?” I sighed.

“No, it wouldn’t help. So what’s next, my lady?”

“Call me Nav, at least in private,” I said. “Flo, what’s our status?”

“The waters are about halfway to the power source on Twilight’s side,” she replied. “They should be done within twenty more minutes. Zecora is still going slow and steady in the bunker. The spirits they’ve uncovered seem mostly peaceful, thankfully. There haven’t been any monsters like what you faced, though there have been a few hostile ghosts.”

“Fantastic. Do the spirits ignore elementals?”

“They absolutely do not. We actually almost lost Raine to spirits. It slowed our scouting down considerably. Luckily, the hole leads directly to the mall area, so we have plenty of small rooms to tide us over at the moment. Most of the stuff in these rooms has either been looted or destroyed, though.”

“The good shit will be deeper in, probably hidden by false walls.”

“Most of the things we have found were in hidden safes. It seems the other explorers didn’t think to look for them. We’ve been using the ship to move up and down the shaft and have been loading items into it as we find them.”

“Good. Then I’ll be joining Twilight. I want to see what she found.”

“Need me to teleport you?” Sunny asked.

“Do you have a way to teleport to the other ship?”

Her mouth opened, but she paused. After a few seconds, she shook her head. “I actually don’t.”

“Then Twilight should be able to pull me over.”

Sure enough, I instantly teleported into her embrace. “Morning, Navi!” she happily said. “How’d you sleep?”

I hugged her back, since it seemed like the right thing for a special somehuman to do. “Like the dead. It was nice. And for the record, I do want to talk. Now is just a bad time.”

“I know, Nav.” She finally pulled back and nuzzled me. “I have to say, my luck really did you wonders yesterday!”

“Sure did,” I replied. “Want it back?”

“Of course!” With her permission, I finally kissed her. It felt warm and fuzzy.

When she got her fill, she pulled back and let herself drop back to the deck. “So, what’s crackalackin’?” I asked.

“Do you just put random words together sometimes?” Sentinel asked.

“Every sentence is just a jumble of random words,” I replied.

“Yeah, but most of what I say actually makes sense. A good chunk of what you say is just… nonsense.”

“It actually isn’t,” Twilight said. “I’ve been keeping a list and studying them occasionally. They’re surprisingly deep when you dig down into their meanings! In this particular case, she’s asking us what events are presently occurring.”

“The elementals are digging a hole,” Sentinel replied, rolling her eyes. “It leads to some kind of weird energy readings Twilight found.”

“How far are we from the entrance of the dome?” I asked. I actually couldn’t see the dome from here.

“The dome is about a dozen kilometers to the west,” Twilight replied. “The entrance is another few kilometers away.”

“Wow. I thought it would be closer. So what’s their ETA?”

“About ten more minutes,” Twilight said. “If this does turn out to be the way to turn off the shield, I propose we pull both ships up to the fort and hold an all hooves on deck meeting.”

“Agreed,” I said. “I have a few announcements to make and we can decide what to do moving forward.”

“I don’t think we can trust the elementals,” Sentinel said. “If any one of them was willing to do that…”

“If we can’t trust them, we have to kill them,” Twilight said. “And I don’t think it’s come to that yet. Aqua was corrupted by cursed crystals. We found no evidence of anything of the sort while freeing the other elementals. It’s possible that some might be corrupt, but not as bad as Aqua yet.”

“That we know of,” I said. “Jonathan can supposedly repair them. He doesn’t have to actually roll them back to an alpha model. He can just unfuck them.”

“If they’re willing to be unfucked,” Sentinel said.

“I have a feeling they won’t be hard to convince,” I said. “Not after Aqua’s coup. If they don’t see at this point that they’re a threat to us, there’s a problem.” Surprisingly, none of the elementals replied to that. “So how sure are you that this is our target?”

“Pretty sure,” Twilight said. “I was able to trace the energy signature the entire way, so whatever’s here at the very least leads to the dome.”

“I’m surprised we’re the first ones to find this,” I said.

“I’m sure everybody who sees something like this would think the same thing we did,” Twilight replied. “That the energy source had to be inside. I never once imagined otherwise, but it does make complete sense. I think I’d like to know more about the race who constructed this dome and the airship.”

“It might be the same race that occupied the mountains that the minotaurs eventually took over,” I said. “As far as I know, they’re the only ones that called humans forerunners.”

“I’ll have to ask Jonathan for more information,” Twiggles said with a nod. “Shall we start heading down? They should cut through shortly after we get there.”

“Let’s wait,” I said. “I don’t want to be the first one to investigate the strange magical energies from a long-extinct race. It sounds like a good way to be the first ones to die.”

“I am so glad our lady is actually intelligent,” Sentinel sighed. “Most nobles I’ve run into are about as dumb as a box of rocks.”

“I take offense to that,” Twilight said. “Even if it is true. We’re supposed to be respected, not derided.”

“Don’t even start that shit,” I said, booping her on the nose. “Noble titles are just that: titles. An idiot is an idiot, no matter what title they have. Throwing in several generations of inbreeding just makes it worse. Of course, an idiot with a noble title is a lot more dangerous than an idiot without one, so they actually should be derided even more than usual.”

“Be wary about saying that anywhere in Canterlot,” Twilight said. “Even with Celestia under your thumb, statements like that can create problems for you.”

“When I take over properly, there are going to be a lot of changes,” I said. “We’re going meritocracy, not aristocracy. Someone’s parents can be dirt farmers, for all I care. If they’re capable of doing what needs to be done, that’s all that matters. I don’t intend to take any titles away from people unless they actually deserve to lose said titles, but they will lose a good chunk of what power they currently have. Leadership skills aren’t hereditary and we shouldn’t act like they are.”

“...Who farms dirt?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie’s parents are rock farmers,” I said. “You can’t tell me Equestria doesn’t have dirt farmers, too.”

“I can confirm that,” Sentinel said. “I can barely remember it now, but I knew some dirt farmers in my hometown. Being so poor is part of what drove me to the guard.”

After becoming a bandit, apparently. “And now you’re capable of doing what I need done,” I said, booping her on the nose next. She didn’t look too pleased, but that was okay. “Maybe I should make Celestia knight some of you guys… Something about outstanding heroism in the field.”

“Please do,” Sentinel replied with a nod. “It’s about time we were honored for all that we’ve done for Equestria. Not too many commoners ever rise to the rank of knight.”

“I was mostly joking, but if you actually want it, you better believe you’ll be getting it. Get with Watcher and write me up a list of everyone in your squad that deserves it and what they did to deserve it. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Of course, my lady,” she said, bowing.

“My sisters have uncovered a hollow area,” Flo said in my mind. “It appears to be some manner of control room.”

“Looks like the waters are in,” I said. “Shall we head down?”

Twilight’s horn lit up and the two of us appeared on a large staircase carved into the side of a mountain. “They carved us stairs so we can easily get up and down,” she said as she started walking. After a few steps, her horn lit up and a light appeared above her. I followed right behind her. “It might take us a little while to figure out how to turn this thing off.”

“I bet it’ll be stupid easy.”

“Not everyone labels their big generators with a super obvious on/off button, Nav,” she said.

“That’s dumb. You put a trap on the super obvious one and then label the actual on/off button with something silly, like ‘release angry wasps’.”

“Remind me to never let you become an evil overlord. You’d be way too good at it.”

“Probs. How deep do you think this thing is?”

“Approximately two hundred meters into the mountain. I was barely able to follow the trail. I’m not sure why they chose to put the power source inside a mountain.”

“Who says they did?” I asked. “It’s been who knows how fucking long since then. For all we know, this was just an empty field all those years ago. I do kinda doubt it, but a lot can happen in that amount of time.”

“I bet they were trying to hide the source from Jonathan,” she said. “Imagine how horrifying it must have been to encounter something like that with no knowledge of what you’re dealing with.”

“I’d say it was pretty fucking spooky. Losing an airship of that size with that kind of armament was probably a hefty blow, too. Luckily, their loss is our gain.”

“Assuming we can get the shield down,” she said. “That would give us access to what’s likely the most powerful airship on the planet.”

“Plus easier access to everything of value within the bunker itself. With Jonathan on our side, there really isn’t a reason for us to keep this place. Once we load everything up on the big ship, I vote we just leave and don’t look back. We can implement his nanites in the Everfree to help clean that place up.”

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to leave such a massive fort and subterranean lair unguarded?” she asked. “There’s no telling who or what might move in after we leave.”

“This place is super isolated and pretty much everyone under the sun thinks even laying eyes on it is basically a death sentence. It has no strategic value and getting to it is a bitch and a half. It might not be wise to leave it unguarded, but keeping a bunch of soldiers here on the off chance that someone we don’t like might move in seems like a waste. We can talk to the others about it after we’re done and see what they think.”

“It looks like we’re getting close to the bottom,” she said. She summoned another light and sent it forward. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for it to hit a room. The four elementals were crowded around the entrance. When Twilight sent out more lights, I realized why they hadn’t gone in any further.

Several dozen black pipes covered in glowing runes leading to the floor fed into a thick glass tube full of a glowing orange liquid. I’m pretty sure it was magma. A much smaller white tube led from the magma container to a creature that was bound to a table. The pipe was embedded into its chest. There were two runic wires leading out of its face and back down into the ground. I looked around at the walls and saw that several large runes seemed to hold everything together.

“So did we just discover a torture chamber?” I asked.

Twilight groaned and started trotting forward. No fun allowed, indeed. I followed behind her, because I kinda wanted to poke that thing just to see what would happen. “It’s obviously somehow channeling the earth magic from the lava to keep up the shield,” she said.

“There are no on/off switches,” Ice said. “We made sure to check.”

“Well, this is looking more complicated than I was expecting,” I said. “Although I bet if we pull the plug, so to say, it’ll solve the problem.”

“This thing could be alive, for all we know,” Twilight said. “We can’t just start tearing things apart until we know more.”

“You see an instruction manual anywhere?” I asked.

“No, but I know a few people who know runes a lot better than we do.” Her horn lit up and a camera appeared. “Take some pictures. We’ll show them to Athena and see what she thinks. I’ll run some small magical probes on the body and see what I can find.”

“An elemental could probably tell us everything we needed to know,” I said, looking at my batch of four volunteers. “Who wants to make a host out of an ancient, extinct race?”

“I’d love to be your elemental, Navi!” Ice immediately said, surging forward. I slapped him upside the face when he got close enough. When his head reformed, he sighed in disappointment before approaching the figure on the table. I grabbed the camera and finally started taking pictures.

When I had what I was hoping were enough pictures, I walked back over and took a picture of Twilight’s butt. As soon as she heard the camera go off, she swung around and I handed it back. “Here you go. The last one’s for me, though.”

“Did you really just…” She sighed and took the camera. “Of course you did. I’ll let you take plenty more later, when we’re better prepared.”

“So what’s the dealio with dudeski?” I asked.

“She is alive,” Ice said. “And begging me to kill her.”

“Did she explain how she’s alive?” I asked. “It looks like there’s raw magma pumping into her.”

“The runes on the pipes transform the magma into pure energy, essentially. It pumps into her, and the runes on the wires leading back out constantly siphons that energy out and into the shield. It’s really quite complex and extremely interesting!”

“Is there any way to free her without killing her?” I asked.

“Not that she knows of. As soon as the magic stops pumping through her, she’ll probably immediately disintegrate.”

“Twilight?”

“I think this place bears more study first, but if she’s begging us to kill her…”

“The pain is excruciating,” Ice said. “This was her punishment for leading her ship to ruin. She would atone for her mistake of releasing Jonathan by keeping him sealed for eternity.”

I drew my sword and sliced right through the wires leading out of her face. Her body convulsed once before deflating and finally disintegrating. “Did that lower the shield?”

“It did,” Ice said with a nod. The room we were in rumbled. The runes on the walls started to flicker.

“Twilight, teleport!” We instantly appeared back on the changeling ship with a pop. It took the elementals a few seconds longer to join us. A huge cloud of smoke followed right behind them.

“What happened?” Sentinel asked.

“The thing keeping this place powered was a prisoner being tortured for eternity,” I said, finally sheathing my sword. “We put a stop to it.”

“Please tell me you got everything from her brain,” Twilight said, looking at Ice.

“I did,” he said, turning pink. “It has already been disseminated among the others. Their race was a very interesting and powerful one, fusing human technology with magic. The runes used to power that shield could likely be used to power small towns.”

“We already have something similar,” Twilight said. “We use magic cells. They do have to be recharged by a unicorn every now and then, though. This was running continually for who knows how long.”

“Ice knows how long,” I said.

“I don’t, actually. The perpetual agony warped her perception of time, as did being sealed in an underground tomb.”

“Well, whatever.” I finally looked over to the helmsling and said, “Take us into the crater.”

“At once, my lady.” The ship started moving.

“Tell Gourd to meet us there,” I said.

“They’re already on the way,” Naiad said. “I understand we’re having a meeting. I would like to know what is going to be discussed.”

“It’ll be a status update from all parties,” I said. “Then we’ll discuss how we’ll move forward.”

“I have a suggestion. Now that we have Celestia under our control, we must either ensure that she stays that way or kill her while it’s still easy. I recommend that you move your summit with the other rulers forward, to make it as soon as possible. Your followers can mop up the hostile spirits and continue combing the ruins while you can attend to more important matters. Once you are done, you can rejoin us and claim the vault.”

“Well, the point of the meeting was for suggestions like those,” I said. “And I’m inclined to agree. I really don’t want to explore another fucked up haunted ruin. If it looks like Zecora actually has this handled, I’ll head to the Crystal Empire with Shiny, Twiggles, and Woona.”

“And Taya,” Twilight added for me.

“And maybe a few others. It’ll be like a little vacation.”

“Excellent,” Naiad said. “I also have suggestions for how to deal with Celestia.”

“That will be up to my summit to decide,” I said. “I’m going to put it to a vote.”

“A vote?” Twilight said. “I thought we were still going to kill her!”

“Why? We could just as easily wipe her mind and turn her into the perfect princess instead. The ideal, canon Princess Celestia. You’d finally have your old teacher back!”

“That is… not a suggestion I expected from you, Nav.”

“Yeah, well, let’s just say I’ve had a good little while to think about it. The more shitty things people do to me, the more shitty my methods tend to become. Except for that time I genocided an entire colony with fire, which was pretty extreme, even now.”

“Wait, what now?” Twilight said.

“That was something I told you to stop pestering me about,” I said. “One of the things Celestia ordered me to do for Chrysalis. You remember the diamond dogs who kidnapped Rarity?”

“...Yes.”

“Well, you remember how I have a ton of gems now from a changeling mine?” She sighed and hung her head. “And you remember that time we went to Appleloosa and found a diamond dog in their prison?” She face-hoofed. “It’s okay, though. I later found out they were actually a group of criminals hired by the Dogfather. That kinda made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.”

“Silver linings,” she said with a shrug. “So you really think we could wipe her mind and make her a better princess?”

“Well, it’s not like we could make her worse. We’ll need to keep a close eye on her to make sure she doesn’t get any ideas or have any relapses, but I think we should be good. Again, though, it’ll be up to the council. If we vote to kill her, we’ll put her on trial and execute her. With Aqua in her head, it shouldn’t be hard to make her confess to a laundry list of crimes, lies, and hypocrisies. With it straight from her mouth, there’s not much any royalist supporters could do. Host it in the morning, have her execution immediately after, then a huge party to celebrate the death of the tyrant.”

“I think you’re underestimating how popular the princess is,” Twilight said. “Even with admissions of guilt, we might have a hard time taking over.”

“Which is why I’d prefer to leave her alive if possible. I sure as shit don’t want her job. She can help us fix all the messes she made.” That way I can actually retire in peace eventually.

“I have a suggestion for how to deal with her,” Naiad said. “She should wed someone on the council. That would legitimize your power and ensure she continues to behave.”

“Twilight, you want to marry Celestia?” I asked.

“What?! No! I’ve known her almost as long as I can remember, Nav. She’s almost like a second mother, in some ways.”

“You seemed to have fun when I was a changeling. And you definitely had fun in those dreams…”

Her face lit up bright red. “Because I knew it was just you messing with me! I could never actually… not with her!”

“Well I mean, she’s not biologically related to Luna… And Luna did disown her anyway.”

“Stop being gross! If she should marry anyone, it should be you! With her under our control, you can still keep up your relations with as many others as you want. As long as we’re discreet, there shouldn’t be any issues. You get direct access to all the power you’ll need without anyone in the public ever questioning it. It’s basically an open secret at this point that you two have been on and off lovers.”

“I vote either Fleur or Moonbeam,” I said, crossing my arms. “Moonie could turn Celestia into the mommy she’s always wanted to be. And Fleur could put that power to much better use.”

“Well, that’ll be up to the council to decide,” Twilight said. “I still think we should put her to death for her crimes, but I’ll abide by the vote.”

With the ship’s speed, we were already entering the crater, which had been completely cleared of trees. Finally seeing it from above, without the shield or any plant life, the place felt like a crater on the moon.

The other two ships were docked together, so ours joined them. A few worker bugs from the main ship quickly set up fairly sturdy looking bridges that latched onto both ships. All the important peeps were waiting for us in front of the bridge of the big ship, so that’s where Sentinel teleported us. She left her squadmates behind. Taya immediately latched onto my leg and Kat grabbed the opposite arm.

“How did deactivating the shield go?” Watcher asked.

“Mommy did it, duh,” Taya said.

“It was being powered by a piece of ancient magitech,” I said. “Lava was being pumped up from the earth using runes and stored in a glass tube. It fed into a much smaller pipe that led to a member of that race. The runes on that pipe converted the magma to raw energy, which was forced into the ancient. Two more wires led from its face into the ground, over to the crater. It was… gruesome.”

“Can it be reactivated?” Luna asked.

“Absolutely not,” I immediately replied. “There is no crime that is worth eternal punishment. I set her free.”

“Could that energy be channeled into something else?” Princess Gilda asked.

“I’m going to go with probably,” I said. “The elementals got all of the knowledge from the ancient’s mind and they’re disseminating it now.”

“Our… unique minds find understanding magical runes difficult,” Brook said. “We could draw them instantly, but they would have no power. To be honest, the meaning of each individual rune is lost to us, though we are able to get a general understanding of what they were trying to accomplish when we see certain runes used in certain places. At this point, I am confident that we could easily guide a mortal through constructing a golem of either steel or paper. We could likely help a learned mortal such as Jak through building something like the contraption you encountered. The more we see, the better our understanding will become.”

“So. Blaze. How many ponies can you control?” I slowly asked.

“That depends on how precisely I need to control them,” he replied, crossing his arms. “And I have not been privy to their level of computational power. My understanding of runes is considerably lessened.”

“Twilight, you mind being a bridge?”

“A… bridge?” she asked.

“The waters implant the knowledge in your mind, then Blaze sucks it up.”

“Never!” Aqua immediately shouted. “They can’t be—”

“Bimbo mode,” I said. That shut her up immediately and she went back to her jiggliest form. “Now stand there in silence like the eye candy you are. Remember, the best host ever shouldn’t be questioned.”

“To answer the question, I don’t mind at all,” Twilight said. “I would be quite interested in learning how to craft them. It shouldn’t take me long to make a few books detailing the processes.”

“This is legit the best powerup ever,” I said. “I gotta say, going from basically a slave to essentially a god has been one wild fucking ride. Now I’m gonna have a full, mostly invincible golem army!”

“That’s still a lot of steel,” Twilight said.

“Luna, you know any spells to hunt for metal in the ground?”

“I do,” she said with a nod.

“We’ll use this ship as a mobile mining and crafting base,” I said. “The bugs can harvest resources from all over the continent and we can house an army of craftsmen to turn them into everything we’ll need for our invasion of Tartarus. We already have a lot of clone ponies that Aqua and Celestia made that we’ll need to get rid of. We can give them to Blaze for now and let him use them to craft either weapons or golems. This ship is probably way too big to fit into the Tartarus portal, but we can park it right outside the portal and push through full armies of ponies in runic gear, each squad controlling its own steel or paper golem. If we want, we could push through the materials we’d need to make a sky fleet and use that to teach the so-called demons in there the true definition of hell.”

When I was finished, Twilight actually moaned. “You just turned me on more and more with each sentence, Nav! Oooh, that sounds wonderful!” Her brother turned bright red and face-hooved.

“So, about that marriage,” Gilda said, leaning forward. “I’m picturing red and pink roses and two beautiful gowns…”

“You may be getting ahead of yourself,” Luna said. “We still need to clear out the bunker. As wonderful of a plan as that is, we currently have higher priorities.”

“We do,” I said. “Zecora, what’s the status of cleansing the bunker?”

“It goes… slowly,” she said. “I do not think these spirits were in as much pain as those you encountered before. Some seem hostile, but most are happy to be freed. I do hear darker things from within, things that I would not feel comfortable facing alone.”

“Slow and steady is the name of the game,” I said. “Right now, there’s no real hurry. Being careful is more important. Gourd, how’s our food stocks?”

“The fort has everything we need to survive for as long as we need,” Gourd said. “And Jonathan said he could easily grow more if we start running out.”

“Watcher, how are the troops?”

“On top of the world,” he said. “You’ve led them through another hopeless fight without a single loss. They know we aren’t out of the woods yet, but they’ve taken your stories about the other bunker seriously. I’m fairly confident none of them will get cocky and overextend.”

“Shiny, how are your guys?”

“Concerned. They certainly see the value in working with you, but they aren’t used to adventuring and they certainly aren’t used to your… different… Um…” He took a quick look around and finally said, “You know what, never mind. They’re fine.”

“Her different what?” Twilight asked. “Nav is always open to constructive criticism.” That made Flo snort. “You know, in public.”

“Your crew horrifies them,” Shiny finally said.

“Fucking tell me about it,” I sighed. I’m sure that probably took several people aback, so I didn’t leave them any time to bitch. “So as I’m sure most if not all of you are aware, Aqua implanted herself in me against my will about two to three weeks ago. Right before Twilight and I left for the festival. As of now, I know for sure that she changed my mind without me noticing to force me to do two things. I’ll be grilling her later to learn how much else she influenced. Until now, we’ll just assume all of my stupid decisions in that period were caused by her trying to make me look bad. All of the good decisions were those times I was able to slip shit by.”

“That’s a bold assumption,” Shiny said.

“I stand by it. What not all of you might be aware of is that she took Celestia as a host first. And Celestia didn’t manage to escape like I did. That puts her under my complete control.”

“So what are we going to do with her?” Watcher asked.

“Death unto tyrants!” Gilda said. “For what she has done to my kind and so many more, she deserves no less!”

“That brings me to the final point of this little meeting,” I said. “I’m taking Luna, Twilight, Taya, Brook, Aqua, and maybe Princess Gilda to the Crystal Empire. Shiny will teleport back and let Cadance know we’re coming. I’ll contact Fleur, who will join us with Blossom. I’ll also get in touch with Moonbeam and let her know it’s time. We’ll decide what to do with Celestia there. When we’re done, some of us will go confront Celestia, gloat a little, and then handle her. We’ll discuss things again after that and see where we all stand.”

“Of course I’ll go!” Gilda said. “The technology here can wait. That meeting will be world-changing!”

I turned to Sketch, only to see that he hadn’t joined us. “Anyone know if the changeling ship will fit all of us?” I asked.

“I’d like to teleport back with Shiny,” Twilight said. “It’ll let me spend some time with him and his family.”

“And I shall stay here for now,” Luna said. “My assistance might be needed. I will teleport to the Crystal Empire when the elementals tell me you have arrived.”

“Then it definitely won’t be a problem,” Gourd said. “The guest rooms are actually very nice. They… kinda skimped on the crew’s rooms, though.”

I unbuckled my sword and handed it to Kat. “You know how to use this?”

“I never really trained with a sword quite like it, but I should have no issue taking down a few ghouls. However, I’d prefer to be by your side.”

“Your curse could be really useful here. There are a lot of hidden doors. If the elementals ever find one they can’t open, you can force the issue.”

“...Very well.” She pulled herself closer and wrapped her tail around mine.

“Why am I going?” Brook asked.

“As a representative of the elementals.”

“What?” Blaze asked.

“Brook is an alpha elemental. If I order her to be unbiased, she’ll have to be.”

“Nor would I ever make a decision that might harm you,” Brook said. “I am inclined to agree with Nav’s proposal that Jonathan should search the rest of us for corruption and fix us all. It is obvious to see that many of us are dysfunctional in one way or another. We cannot allow another Incident.”

“And I am inclined to force the issue,” Luna said, stomping an armored hoof onto the deck. “You will either be fixed or you will be considered broken and eliminated!”

Everyone turned to me. As much as I wanted to agree with her, I knew it would be unwise. “I would never deliver an ultimatum to an ally,” I said. “However, I’ll tell you right now, if I ever find out that another elemental took a host without permission, I’m having you all hunted down and exterminated. Unless, of course, you consent to being fixed.”

“How is that not an ultimatum?” Mist asked.

“Because it’s just a warning,” I said with a shrug. “If you want to stay as you are now, you better not take any unwilling hosts.”

“We’ll put it to a public vote, here and now,” Brook said. “Elementals only, please. Who thinks we should allow any possible corruption to be purged from us?” Surprisingly, every single one of them lifted an appendage, even the two fires. “We submit, Nav. We will allow Jonathan to restore us.”

“Excellent. Where is he?”

“In the fort, creating more of himself to replace his losses,” Brook said. “We will go as soon as the meeting is concluded and I will join you on the Ambassador before you depart.”

That went better than I was expecting.

“Making it public forced our tendrils,” Flo said in my head. “Those who might have found it distasteful knew that disagreeing publicly after what Aqua did would make them pariahs.”

“Anyone else have anything to add?” I asked.

“How are you feeling now, Nav?” Watcher asked.

“Much better than I was a full twenty-four hours ago,” I said. “I am free at last and the world is finally starting to turn again.”

“...Good.”

“Yep. Anyone else?”

“Would you like my soldiers to stay behind?” Shiny asked.

“I’ll leave that up to them. If they don’t want to work with my crew, we can send them on their way. If they’re willing to stay, that’s also fine. At this point, I’m leaving Watcher in charge, so they’d at least have a proper military leader.”

“These ponies are soldiers, Nav,” Shiny said. “They aren’t used to being given a choice.”

“I’m sure they’ll survive.”

“Do you want any guards to go with you?” Watcher asked.

“I’m going to what’s probably one of the safest places on the planet where I’m regarded as pretty much the biggest hero ever. I’ll be accompanied by Equestria’s sword and Celestia’s personal student. I’ll be meeting with the ex-captain of the Equestrian guard and his uber-powerful love goddess wife, alongside an ancient and immensely powerful fae of hunger. I honestly don’t think of any place where I might possibly need guards less.”

“A simple no would have sufficed,” Watcher stuffily replied.

“Yeah, but then everyone else would have chimed in with unwelcome passive-aggressive bullshit about how I must always be protected no matter what and to ever suggest otherwise is heresy.”

“My ex-sister does not surround herself with guards for protection,” Luna said. “She does it to show off her power. Appearances are important. Having bodyguards makes it seem to others like you are a figure worth protecting.”

“Thankfully, I still have that covered,” I said. “Since, you know, my most powerful vassal is going to be there with me. Alongside my new pet war hero elemental.”

Gilda snorted. “It would be utterly humiliating to be killed by that thing in its so-called bimbo mode.”

“Hopefully she’ll start behaving and I won’t have to use it as often. If not… Well, I have ways of making her more compliant. Anyone else got shit to bitch about?” After a second or two, I blinked. “I mean, anyone else have any questions?”

“Without me here, my griffins might not be interested in staying,” Gilda said. “I would be quite happy to leave them behind, though.”

“Well, there isn’t room on the changeling ship for them,” I said. “I’m sure someone would be happy to teleport them wherever they wanted to go. Tell them that an extremely important political summit is being held there and you have to represent the griffins.”

“That should work. I shall return to the ship and pack what little I brought.”

“There’s where Taya and I are headed next,” I said. “Anyone else?” Please tell me no. Surprisingly, no one spoke up. “Then we’re going to go pack. I plan to leave as soon as we’re all ready.”

Before anyone could speak up, Taya teleported the three of us back. “Everyone always complains so much,” Taya said. “They really should just learn to accept what you say, mommy.”

“Sometimes that would be nice,” I said, petting her mane. “Now let’s go pack so we can get underway before they can bitch some more.”

“...You can pet me, too,” Gilda quietly said. “I-in private, o-of course…”

“I can pet you in public, too,” I said, doing just that. Her face lit up bright red, but she didn’t try to stop me. She gasped when I started scritching the back of her neck, but quickly relaxed and let herself enjoy it. “See there? Isn’t that nice?”

“Oooh, yes! B-but in p-public?!”

“There’s nothing wrong with pampering your princess,” I said. “And nothing says pamper more like making you putty in my gifted hands.”

“Why do you think I’m her daughter-pet?” Taya smugly asked. “Mommy’s wonderful hands have been all over me!”

I quit playing with the princess to tickle my filly. “I just love making her squeal,” I said.

“While I am still hard-pressed to approve of such a thing, I am beginning to understand it,” Gilda said. “I could quite easily lose myself in her hands! Soft enough to pet, yet hard enough to scratch! It is truly a match made in heaven.”

Since Taya was starting to look more angry than giggly, I finally stopped. “Yeah, they’re great. Now let’s get to it. You still need to find your soldiers and explain what’s up.”

“Very well.” We finally started moving downstairs.

I didn’t have much clothing, so I just grabbed everything I had and started stuffing it into a bag. Sunny walked in and stopped me with magic as soon as she realized what I was doing. “Nav, you have to fold them!”

“...Why?”

“So they won’t be wrinkly! Ugh, I can’t believe we left Doppel behind.” She started pulling the clothes back out and flattening them out on the bed. “I’ll… Wait, why are you packing?”

“I’m taking the changeling ship north, to the Crystal Empire. Now that Celestia is under our control, I want to decide what to do with her before she finds a way to free herself.”

“Why are you taking their ship?!”

“It’s faster and I want to leave this one behind to support Watcher.”

“...Oh. Well, I’m sure you’ll need a cook! I’ve seen Doppel try to help in the kitchen before. It wasn’t pretty.”

“I’m pretty sure they’ll need a cook here, too.”

“Spike and one of Watcher’s guards are fully capable of cooking enough meals for everyone we’re leaving behind. But our lady and her daughter, not to mention Princess Gilda, deserve proper meals on the trip.”

“Fine, whatever. Go pack.”

“After I finish helping you,” she said, finally starting to actually fold my clothes.

Since she had the clothes covered, I grabbed Athena’s book and set it on the bed, then pulled out the magic mirror. “I’m going to talk to Moonie for a sec,” I said.

“I won’t interrupt.”

“Moonbeam.” The mirror showed me the ceiling. A drone suddenly appeared and grabbed it.

Watching it flying around quickly got disorienting, so I looked away until I finally heard my sweet queen’s voice. “Greetings, Navarone. How goes the campaign?”

“Extremely well. I have a lot of very important news.”

“One moment.” Her horn lit up and she appeared back in her room. “I’m all ears.”

“I’ll start with the least important stuff. First off, we’ve successfully made contact with a friendly human AI that was guarding the bunker in the Zone. We also managed to disable the big forcefield. All that’s left now is to deal with the ghosts in the bunker. With Luna and my shaman working together, I’m confident we’ll secure the vault within a month.”

“I see. Has it been worth the effort?”

“Absolutely. We captured a fort, we captured the means with which to grow infinite trees and food, we’ve captured an absolutely massive airship crewed by an extinct species of bugs, we’ve obtained tons of magical artifacts and blood gems, we’ve gained another powerful ally who’s capable of manipulating matter before our eyes, and the list just keeps going on.”

“It sounds… too good to be true.”

“You know the legends about the Zone. The entire atmosphere under the dome was utterly artificial, changing entirely on just a whim. The AI could create storms and tornadoes, grow trees and change them however it pleased, and was able to feed an entire fort and bunker stocked completely full of mindless slaves of those who attacked the fort before us. It took us a while to make contact with him because he fought us so vehemently.”

“It sounds like quite the tale. I’m going to enjoy hearing it in person.”

“And of course, I saved the best news for last. About two or three weeks ago, one of the water elementals forcefully took me over.”

“That… does not sound like good news.”

“Oh, it wasn’t. In fact, it was super shitty. But when we made contact with the AI here, he put her under my control.”

“That is good, but it hardly sounds like the best news.”

I finally grinned. “She took Celestia over first. So now Celestia is under my complete control.”

“Wonderful! Truly well done, Navarone! You have accomplished what no one else in over six thousand years could. I take it that is why you are packing?”

“You take it correctly. Now that Celestia is ours, we need to decide what to do with her before she has a chance to break free. It’s time to meet at the Crystal Empire. I’ll be leaving on the Ambassador as soon as I finish packing.”

“I shall be able to teleport. What is your ETA?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Four days,” Sunny said, completely breaking her word not to interrupt. “That’s how long it should take to get there, now that we know the paths to take.”

“Four days,” I said. “We’ll be joined by Luna, Twilight, Brook, Aqua, Shiny and Cadance, Captain Blossom, Princess Gilda, and Fleur.”

“Your little coup really took off, didn’t it?”

“In ways I truly never expected. Will that timing be alright for you?”

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I must say, you really made my day, Navi.”

“Happy to hear it, Moonie. I think that’s all the important stuff for now, if you were busy.”

“I was, but I’m always happy to make time for you. I look forward to seeing you in person. I’m almost starting to forget how you taste.”

“I’m looking forward to reminding you.”

She actually kissed the mirror. When she pulled away, it was with a sly grin. “See you soon!” Just like that, the feed dropped.

“You really do have all the fun, Nav,” Sunny said.

“Whenever I get time off from going through absolute hell, at least,” I said with a shrug, placing the mirror on the bed. “So, are my clothes properly secured now?”

“Of course. I took the liberty of laying an outfit out for you so you can change out of your armor before you leave.” Sure enough, she left out a pretty little sundress and some liberal underwear. “I figured that would be more comfortable.”

“You figured correctly,” I said, finally starting to remove the armor. “I will be bringing this just in case, though.”

“Then I shall go fetch a larger bag.” She trotted out, closing the door behind her. It was kinda pointless, because Taya let herself in moments later.

“Unless it’s an emergency, knock first,” I said.

“But then I might not catch you in any compromising positions!”

I stopped what I was doing and just stared at her. The grin on her face very slowly disappeared until she looked away awkwardly. I finally continued changing.

When I was finally all dolled up, someone knocked. “Come in.”

Sunny walked in with a larger bag. She smiled when she saw me. “You look much better, my lady.”

“Yeah, this dress is super cute.” I grabbed the bag and started stuffing my armor and magazines into it. I’m kinda surprised she didn’t stop me to make me do it right. “Thanks for the help. Go ahead and get packed. I still need to talk to a few people here and there, so it’ll take me a few minutes to head to the other ship.”

“Of course, my lady. Taya, do you need any help?”

“Nope. I’m not bringing much and I teleported it all over already.” Sunny finally bowed and left.

I took a moment to put Athena’s book in my sack of clothes. After a second of thought, I decided to leave the mirror on the ship. “Send my gun and both bags, if you don’t mind,” I said.

Taya’s horn lit up and they all vanished. “So what next?”

“I’m gonna talk to Jak. You’re welcome to either come with me or head on to the other ship.”

“Of course I’ll stay with you, mommy!”

“Then let’s go.” I led the way out and she followed right behind. Thankfully, Jak was still in the forge, doing some work to the golem. “Hey, old man.”

“Hey, little lassie,” he replied, standing up and stretching. “Mmm, how goes the bunker?”

“Well. I’m about to head north, though. Have you seen the new airship yet?”

“We have a new airship?”

“Sure do,” I said. “I’m pretty sure it was built by the same species that built the ruins in Minos.” His eyes opened wide. “We actually encountered a member of that race earlier and the elementals got all of her memories, including her rune knowledge. I was wondering if you could work with them to possibly recreate some of what they could do.”

“Of course! I’ve been considering getting one of those things in my head for a while, but if they can share more knowledge of those who shaped our culture so, I would be honored!”

“Good. Another note about this airship: It’s absolutely fuckmassive. In fact, this ship is docked onto it right now. It’s also full of weapons. You’re welcome to study them as much as you want.”

“Once more, you place heaps of tasks upon me, asking more and more of the impossible! And each time, I succeed beyond our wildest expectations. I shall take this knowledge I am being granted and turn you into the most powerful ruler this world has ever seen, Navarone.”

“Good. I wanted to pitch an idea to you, as well.”

“I am… not famil—”

“Propose. Luna knows a spell that can find ore underground. The airship is crewed by a friendly race of bugs. I want to send it around the continent, obtaining resources like easy to reach metal, wood, and various alchemical supplies. I think the bugs can handle all the mining if you can handle the army of craftsmen using those resources.”

“I can whip any horde of lazy gits into shape! With the elementals to spread knowledge, I could get an entire group of artisans crafting runic armor, weapons, and golems!”

“That’s what I want to hear. We’re going to use them to invade Tartarus.”

He actually picked me up and hugged me. “You honor me more and more! Truly, you must someday allow me to go to Minos and spread word of what you are doing! Hundreds… thousands of minotaur smiths, crafters, and runeworkers will join us!”

“After we deal with Celestia, I’m going to look at a map and start spreading seeds, so to say. Minos will be one of the places I visit first.”

Thankfully, he finally put me down, only to lean in and kiss me on the forehead. “You are like family, Nav. I can promise that your welcome to the city will be that of a hero.”

“Baller.”

“And before I forget…” He walked over to one of his shelves, where two strange looking daggers were sitting. “These are the weapons that Luna asked me to make for you.”

I walked over to get a better look, because I figured they’d be pretty neato. “That’s a pretty hefty curve.” It was shaped almost like a talon. When he pulled both daggers out, I realized the blade was on the inside of the curve. “That looks… super deadly.” Both were covered in runes that seemed to glimmer with power. One had a large ruby in the hilt. The other had what looked like an opal. Neither blade seemed to be metal. “What are these things?”

“Luna called them karambits. Apparently they were used by a few tribes she fought in Asia. She said they would likely suit your fighting style. The one with a ruby will burn your enemies. The one with the opal will freeze them.”

“What are they made of?”

“Dragonbone-forged steel. Not haunted, this time. She kept some of the dragon components from the ones you killed on the first day so we could use them in weapons and possibly armor.”

“Nice.”

He slid them both away and handed me the belt. “Be careful, lassie. These things ain’t toys.”

“Trust me, I know. You think you could carve runes on my other naga dagger? I’d like to keep using it because it’s guaranteed access to any naga cave, but I’m starting to out-level it.”

“Of course.”

“Neatorama. It’s on my bed.”

“I will add it to my list. Now, I think I’d like to go find an elemental!”

“Have fun.” I let him walk out first, because his legs were longer. We followed. I poked my head in Twilight’s room, but she wasn’t there. Thankfully, I did find her on the deck. “‘Sup, sweetcakes?” I asked.

“Not too much. Just trying to shake off that knowledge imprint.” She actually shivered slightly. “It was very… jarring.”

“You alright?”

“Oh, of course. I’ve just never experienced someone else’s memories before. I keep having to remind myself to just focus on the knowledge, not the memories of gaining the knowledge.”

“I kinda figured the elementals could give you just the knowledge, not both.”

“So did I. Apparently since they’re incapable of understanding runes properly, they have to show me the process of how she actually learned the runes instead of just giving me the knowledge.”

“Weird. When are you heading out?”

“As soon as I finish packing. You?”

“As soon as I finish mackin’ on my mare.”

“You’ve said that one before… kissing, maybe?”

“Basically means flirting and advances. Kissing is somewhere in there, though.”

“Good!” She hopped up and braced her hooves on my shoulders so she could comfortably kiss me. Once again, her face was all kinds of warm and fuzzy. Taya’s gleeful giggles made it even better.

When at least half of us got tired of the tongue battle, we finally pulled away. “I’ll see you in the Crystal Empire, Twiggles,” I said, nuzzling her.

“I’ll be waiting!” Her hooves finally pulled back and she landed back on the deck. “I’m gonna go pack.”

“Make sure to bring the vibe,” I said. “I’m absolutely gonna make you wear it in front of your brother. Ooh, Cadance and I can compete with our remotes to see who cums first, you or your brother!”

“Gross.”

“Don’t judge Shiny. He can’t help that he’s a little butt slut.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” She finally sniffed and walked past me, hitting me with her tail as she went. I thought about slapping her ass, but decided against it. Instead, my daughter and I started walking across the huge ship.

Kat very quickly joined us so she could latch herself to one of my arms again. She was finally wearing my sword, too. Apparently she knew she had annoyed me enough for the day, so she didn’t say a word until we got to the bridge leading to the changeling ship.

She finally hugged me as tightly as she could and whispered, “I’ll miss you, my lady.”

“I’m sure the time will just fly by,” I replied, reaching around and groping her ass with both hands. And it’ll be nice to get away from these crazy people for a few days.

A few seconds after the hug got uncomfortably long, she finally let me go and pulled away. “I’ll be sure to spend all my time thinking about ways to better serve you, my lady.”

“Cool.” I reached over and booped her, then finally walked onto the other ship.

Sketch flew over from the wheel to land in front of me. “What are your orders, my lady?” he asked.

“We’re going to be heading north, to the Crystal Empire,” I said. “Cast off as soon as Princess Gilda, Sunny, Brook, and Aqua are all aboard.”

“There are only three guest rooms, my lady.”

“The elementals will be fine in the hold. The princess will be sharing a room with me.”

“What about me?!” my filly demanded.

“This is the first chance I’ve had with her away from her guards. I’ll still have plenty of time to rub your belly. Hers is just going to be getting priority rubs for now.” That made her start muttering, but I happily ignored it.

“We’ll cast off as soon as they’re all aboard, my lady,” he said with a bow. “Would you like the food pony to be dressed up?”

“...What does that involve?”

“Something to cover his cage, for one thing.”

“Very specifically, what does it entail?”

“A standard maid dress that we got from Doppel. He’s far enough along now that he’s about androgynous enough to be a mare.”

God dammit. “That won’t be necessary. Why not just give him male clothes?”

“I don’t know. It was the queen’s idea.”

Of course it was. “Whatever. I’m gonna go claim a room.”

“Shall I inform you before we depart?”

“No. Leave as soon as everyone’s on board.”

“As you command.”

Since he didn’t seem to have any more questions, my daughter and I finally went belowdecks. The guest rooms were right at the front of the ship, so I quickly picked out the room with all my shit in it. It also had Taya’s stuff, so I had a feeling she had been planning to share rooms. She snatched her things and sulked off to another room to pout.

I pulled Athena’s book out, took a deep breath, and opened it. The calamari sucked me in and deposited me straight into the arms of Hera. “Welcome back, my lovely little Navi!” she warmly said, holding me tightly. “Oooh, I’ve missed you so!”

I hugged her back, because she was just the right kind of squishy. “Sorry I haven’t been back in a while. I’ve been busy adventuring.”

“Sounds exciting! Have you been slaying enemies in my name?”

“Well, I’ve been slaying enemies. I don’t typically shout any names when I do it, though.”

“Oh come on, Navi! The more sacrifices you make for me, the stronger I become! If you hold a large enough crusade for me, I might be able to leave the book! Wouldn’t that just be wonderful? I can finally claim my rightful place as the world’s one true goddess!”

“Stop pestering my guests,” Athena said, yanking Hera out of my arms. “The age of crusades is long gone!”

“But Navi would be happy to lead one for me! Wouldn’t you, Navi?” She finally focused her glowing golden eyes straight on mine and I felt myself start slipping.

Athena tsked and grabbed one of my arms. We appeared below the deck and she pushed me backwards into a chair that suddenly appeared to support me. Another one showed up below her when she sat. “So what brings you here today?”

“Have you heard of the Zone of Alienation?”

“Yes, but I have very little information on it. I’m afraid you’ll have to look elsewhere.”

“I don’t need information. It was the place where Anonymous built all the old species. I’ve already assaulted it and am making very impressive headway. At this point, the last obstacle is the bunker itself, which is full of spirits. My crew is working on dealing with them now.”

“Ah ha. So why have you come to see me today?”

“To give you an update on the status of the world, so to say. Another very important thing happened while I was here. I now have complete control of Celestia through a water elemental. At this point, I’m basically in control of about a third of the planet. I’m going to use some of the resources I got at the bunker to invade Tartarus and finally tame it.”

“Keep me up to date with your Tartarus trip. The last great magical lake is on that continent. It was cursed by Discord’s followers, long, long ago. It is likely what is fueling the dark mutations of all the species within. If it could be cleansed, you would gain an unbelievable amount of power, surely enough to brute force you a new soul.”

“I’ll definitely make that one of my side goals. At the moment, I’m about to head north to hold a summit with several other leaders to discuss what to do with Celestia. Once we have that question settled, I’ll return to Equestria, deal with her, cut off my wings and my tail, then put myself into a coma to heal my mind and give my body time to fix itself.”

“You should have your coma in here,” Athena said. “Hera and I can ensure you heal quickly.”

“I might take you up on that.” But probably not, because Hera is horrifying. “According to the AI we found guarding the bunker, Anonymous left me a vault within. I’m not sure what’s in it yet, but it might be a lot of information. I’ll update you when we find it.”

“Excellent. I would also be interested in knowing what you decide to do with Celestia. She would make you a fine wife.”

“I’d rather not go that route. It probably would end up being the most convenient, but it would feel really bad to wipe out her mind and then force her to marry me.”

“Perhaps. It would ensure your power and guarantee that none could usurp it later. I know you consider her form fair in at least some respects, so you could likely stomach lying with her.”

“She’s actually a lot of fun in bed. It would defs feel rapey to wipe her mind and then fuck her, though.”

“Understandable, I suppose. Do you have any more news from the outside world?”

“Nothing in which you’d be interested, I don’t think.”

“Then I bid you farewell for now.” I appeared (thankfully standing) in front of the exit book. I opened it before Hera could bother me some more and plopped back out into my new room. I set the book in a drawer and fell onto the bed. It’ll be nice to have a few days to unwind. Nothing but me and all the soft princess belly I could ever rub…

“And your wonderful little eternafilly, of course!” Aqua helpfully added. “Plus your new favorite elemental!”

“But Brook isn’t my favorite.” That actually made her whimper, which was kinda amusing.

I had no way of knowing how long it would take Gilda to arrive, so I finally just closed my eyes and let myself relax.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Seven

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Seven

Celestia actually looked shocked when we walked in. I couldn’t help but grin. “Sup, honeybuns?”

“N-nav? What are you doing in Canterlot?”

“Well, I live here.”

“And Luna? Why are you here?”

“My lady requested my presence.”

“I can’t go anywhere without my new favorite vassal,” I said, ruffling Luna’s mane.

“YOUR WHAT?!” Celestia demanded, jumping to her hooves. The camera suddenly went off, capturing Celestia’s look of shocked rage. “Did… did you just take a photo?”

“Yeah,” I said. “We wanna capture this moment.”

“This… moment…?”

“We have some news,” Luna said with a predatory grin. “My lady has requested the honor of delivering it.”

“...Nav, what do you think you are doing?” Celestia slowly asked.

“Yoloing my way into power, Sunbutt,” I said, shooting her some finger pistols. “While I was at the bunker, I got complete and total control over Aqua.” All the blood drained out of Celestia’s face and the camera went off again. “So basically, you’re my bitch now.”

“I am no bitch of yours!” she finally raged.

“Sit.” She plopped right back down in her throne, glaring at me. “You look good there, Celestia. Which is great, because you’re going to be ruling for quite a bit longer. Well, you won’t. Your body will be there, though.”

“And just what does that mean?”

“It means we’re erasing your personality,” I replied with a shrug. Celestia’s mouth dropped and the camera flashed. “Man, this is honestly just the best. So who wants to take some time to rub it in?”

“Luna, how could you do this to me?!”

“Shall I count you the ways, dearest ex-sister of mine?” Luna coldly asked. “Remember how you made me your monster? Remember how you made me your weapon? All those years you spent building me into the perfect tool… I wonder, Celestia. Did you ever actually care about me?”

“Of course I did, Luna! I know it was rare for me to show it at times, but we were both always under so much stress…”

“And what of me, Celestia?” Twilight asked. “You certainly never seemed to answer every question I had. And then there were all those sleeping pills.”

“Twilight, you are the best student I have ever had! The only thing you lack is patience. I have such a wonderful future planned for you, but you’re just not ready!”

Twilight sighed and looked down. “I think it’s time I go my own way. I think it’s time all ponykind did.”

“...You’ve both fallen for the vile lies of Discord,” Celestia whispered. “You’re trusting this abomination over me!

“All she did was open our eyes, Celestia,” Luna said. “And we are not alone. There were nine factions represented at the council. We voted to brainwash you instead of killing you.”

“Remember that little coup I was building?” I asked with a smirk. “It wasn’t anywhere near as little as you thought. Aqua said you’d lose for a reason.”

“I am impressed that Nav was able to bring so many together,” Twilight said. “She truly has a habit for soothing tensions.”

“And for causing all kinds of chaos,” a voice said, a voice that finally clicked in my head.

As Discord appeared, I pointed right at him and shouted, “John de Lancie!”

That made him rear back and clap. “She finally remembered! Oooh, I knew you’d get it eventually!”

“Holy shit, that has been bothering me ever since I first heard you. Why the fuck would you go for that?”

“To bother you, of course!”

“Wow. You are really just all-around unpleasant, aren’t you?”

“Yep! So what do we have here, hm?”

“Oh, you know,” I said, waving a hand. “Same shit, different chapter.”

“It doesn’t look like it to me. Why, it looks like you’re brainwashing Celestia!”

“What an eerie coincidence,” Twilight said. “We actually are brainwashing Celestia!”

“Then that means I got here just in time!” he said, summoning a beach chair and plopping it down next to Luna. “I wanna watch!”

“...You wanna rub the fact that we’re wiping her mind in her face?” I slowly asked.

“Oh, more than anything! But that would be rude, wouldn’t it?”

“Probs. But aren’t you a supervillain?”

“Of course, but I have to keep you guessing. Maybe next time I’ll give you a wedgie!”

What a dick. “Welp, anyone else have anything to add?” I said.

“Enjoy your victory, Nav,” Celestia icily replied. “I hope you end up burning everything down around you so they can finally see you for the abomination you truly are. And I hope whatever you turn me into fails at whatever you order it to do.”

“I’d say it’ll be worth it for a world without you,” I said, finally walking forward to boop her on the nose. It looked like she was straining to try to pull back, but Aqua was holding her in place. “Flo?” As the small blob of water went down my arm, the camera went off again. Flo immediately slid into Celestia’s nose. “So, it’s everyone’s last chance to say something.”

“I have an idea!” Twilight said, trotting over. “Let’s all take a picture together with her!”

“Don’t you dare!” Celestia growled.

“Aww, you’re just cranky because your personality’s about to get wiped,” I said, pinching her on the cheek. “Don’t worry, Sunbutt! It’ll be a lot better than getting turned into a changeling sex slave, I promise!”

“Is this what that’s about? I told you, that was only just in case you betrayed me!”

Her eyes flashed blue. “That is false,” Aqua said with Celestia’s mouth. “She was going to purge your entire household the instant you found the last element of harmony.”

“Those lies really do add up!” Discord said, munching on popcorn that he presumably pulled from nowhere. “This is what happens when you mistreat people, Celestia.”

“Navarone is not people!” she yelled. “She is an abomination! And for the record, I’m glad you lost your cock! Watching you struggle with this has been ambrosia!”

“Also false,” Aqua said with Celestia’s mouth. “She was genuinely worried about your mental health.”

That’s almost surprising. “So who’s up for that selfie?” I asked. Luna and Twilight joined me around Celestia. Twilight and I got up close to her cheeks, both of us smiling. Luna sat in front of her ex-sister, failing to stifle giggles. Twilight floated the camera in front of us and snapped a quick pic.

“You should do one with silly faces!” Discord helpfully suggested.

“Might as well,” Twilight said with a shrug. It was a pretty decent suggestion, so we all took a moment to uncompose ourselves. Twilight quickly flashed another picture and we finally pulled back from Celestia, who was now actually crying.

“What was it you always used to tell me?” Luna said. “Turn that frown upside down, I believe? Perhaps something about how the sunshine would always brighten me up?”

“You’re just enjoying this so much, aren’t you?” Celestia coldly replied. “Finally watching Nav accomplish what you never could. What you were always too afraid to do. I hope you like living in the shadows, Luna. Nav will never give you a real place at her side. Not after what you’ve done!”

“She already has, in fact,” Luna smugly replied. “I got to have a deciding vote in what happened to you! And my lady vehemently defended my right to do so to the others!”

“I recognize greatness in others and choose to elevate them to greater heights,” I said. “I don’t see greatness in others and stunt them to protect myself. By my side, Luna will be achieving wonders. And you, under my control, will finally bring the world into the future.”

“Spoken like a true dictator,” Celestia spat.

“Yeah, well, guess what?” Thankfully, she knew that was rhetorical. “You can’t be mean and nasty anymore. Isn’t that right, Flo?”

Celestia’s eyes flashed blue and she groaned, lifting a hoof to her head. “That’s right!” Flo said with her lips. “Just like that, all the snarkiness is gone!”

“W-what… what did you do to me?” Celestia whispered. The camera flashed again, capturing her in a true moment of vulnerability.

“Flo just erased the part of your personality capable of all those mean words,” I replied with a shrug. “You know, kinda like what you were talking about doing to me all those years ago. What do you think, girls? What should go next?”

“Nav, p-please! I’ll swear any oath you like! Don’t let her do this to me!”

“Aqua, what was that famous saying?”

Celestia’s eyes flashed blue and she sighed. “Do unto others as they do unto you… Or threaten to do unto you…”

“I don’t think that’s how it goes,” Twilight said as Celestia took back over and actually started bawling.

“I do like the idea of turning that frown upside down,” Luna said. “We should wash away all her sadness!”

Celestia flinched and the tears turned to laughter. Twilight took another picture.

“Alright, this is starting to feel like a bit much,” Twilight said. “I know I voted to kill her, but this… this is making me feel bad.”

“That’s your conscience speaking,” Discord said. “You should learn to ignore that ol’ thing. All it ever does is get in the way of fun!”

“Like you ignore yours?” I asked.

“Oh, I never had one. I’m a magical manifestation. My mind is bent almost solely toward causing as much discord and destruction as I can with absolutely no regard for consequences or loss of life.”

“Alright Flo, we’re done dicking around. Do your thing. Goodbye forever, Celestia. I’ll always remember how nice fucking your ass was.”

“One moment, please.” Celestia’s eyes turned blue and her face went blank.

While she was reformatting, Twilight pulled me and Luna down with magic and whispered, “So what should we do about that thing?”

“Attacking would be unwise,” Luna whispered back.

“I’ll give you a bit to throw a rock at him,” Discord whispered from his position floating above us. Twilight sighed and face-hooved.

“Luna, summon me a rock,” I said. Her horn lit up and a rock appeared next to me. I grabbed it and flung it at the fucker. As soon as it hit him, he gasped in utter agony before clutching at the wound. After a few seconds, he groaned and collapsed to the floor. He shuddered twice, then disappeared. In his place was a single bit.

“Nobody touch it,” I said. “We’ll make a redshirt put it in a vault later.”

“I can’t believe that actually made him disappear,” Twilight said, clutching at her chest.

“I can’t believe he let us wipe Celestia’s mind!” Luna said.

Something grabbed me around the waist and shot me into the air. “Gotcha!” Discord shouted as he placed me on his back. “We’re gonna go on an adventure!”

“No the fuck we ain’t!” I yelled, trying to force myself off his back. It’s like his fur was holding me in place, though. After letting me struggle for a few seconds, he darted out a window. We both slid right through the glass and into some kind of other realm. All the dimensions seemed odd and every one of the buildings was heavily overgrown with vegetation.

Discord flew from one building to another, placing his creepy hands on each one. When we passed maybe ten of them, he finally laughed and slid through the walls. A mirror covered in runes was inlaid into the brick on the far side of the room we found ourselves in.

“I’m surprised you haven’t been asking questions,” he said as he floated toward the mirror.

“I’m surprised you kidnapped me. Can you please just kill me and get it over with?”

“No can do!” He placed one of his talons on the mirror and began sketching. Soon enough, he finished and the mirror flashed blue. “Hold on tight!”

That didn’t sound good, but I also didn’t have a choice. He finally jumped through the mirror. We appeared in a very dim place. My clothes disappeared and I slid off his back and into some very warm water. The place was so dark I could barely see anything, but it didn’t take me long to recognize the chamber where I deflowered my first princess. When I finally realized it, the mushrooms absorbed Discord’s ambient energy and lit up much brighter, fully illuminating the entire room.

“Normal people teleport,” I said, paddling over to the shore.

“Well, I am hardly normal,” he said, sliding back into the water. Before I could get out, he snatched my tail and pulled me back over. When I was next to him, he wrapped his scaley arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. “Isn’t that comfy?”

“Your very touch doesn’t hurt anymore, at least. So why am I here?”

“Because I am here, of course!”

“...Okay. Why are you here?”

“This is our first date, silly.”

“Our first what-now?” I asked.

“Well, that annoying Jonny had to ruin the surprise. I was supposed to get to tell you myself! You see, your transformation is far from over!”

“Why are you making me look like you?”

“Because that’s all part of our deal, Anonymous! Or well, that’s who you used to be. But I suppose you wouldn’t happen to remember that, would you?”

“Nope, sure wouldn’t. So, you maybe wanna explain it?”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “You were supposed to stay at the bunker and find the infodump the old you left, which probably explained this. You know, eventually. Probably after you did whatever impossible task he asked of you way back when.”

“So you know about that, huh?”

“Oh, I do,” he said, pulling me in slightly tighter. “I most certainly do! Why, you destroyed the world, Navi!”

“Nope, that was you. I don’t care whatever chain of events I or Anonymous set off, you’re the one who got it to that point. I’m not letting you put that on me. So what’s this about a deal?”

“It’s just, well, I hated him so much that I couldn’t just let him get away with dying! So there at the end, when I was going from bunker to bunker to stamp out the rest of those roaches, I ran into Anonymous, who had already seeded the start of a new world. It was he and those working with him who brought life forward. It was those across the seas who built the elementals to guide them.”

“Didn’t you say he yelled at you?”

“Yep, sure did! Oh, you should have seen the look on his face!”

“Yeah, I bet it was great. That dude was a douche.”

“Sure was. All those humans knew they were on borrowed time anyway, so I didn’t see any reason to eliminate him. It was too late to stop the rise of new life at that point, so I figured I might as well take some time to get to know the one I despised so much. As you said, he really was kind of a douche. I decided I had to have his soul. I couldn’t just take it, though. There are rules for that sort of thing.”

“But you can put them in a blood gem?”

“That’s different,” he said. “Once in a blood gem, the person is gone. All that’s left is their life energy. The souls I take are effectively those people. I still have Cain rattling around in here somewhere. He spends most of his time screaming in horror at the amount of atrocities his action caused.”

“Man, I bet that dude’s completely bonkers by now.”

“Oh, you have no idea. He’s still a flat-earther! Anyway, I decided to make a deal with Anonymous. I get to keep his soul and manifest it over time, letting him experience the world he built. Basically, making him suffer with me. You know, the funny thing is, you’re really the only one I stepped in to change things with, but the others all ended up in much worse positions.”

“I can only imagine. So what did you change around me?”

“Oh, you know,” he said, waving his other hand. “Pretty much just everything that made you miserable. And obviously all those lovely body modifications, though I did those to the others too.”

“Wow. So why would I want to date you?”

“Because seriously, fuck all the other races,” he said. “Look around you, Nav. Really look around you. You are surrounded by utter monsters. I have shown you the worst of the worst in this world! Surely even you can acknowledge it’s time to purge this hellish rock once and for all! In the end, it can just be you and me, together, until finally my power fails and we both slip into the peaceful void…”

“How about go fuck yourself? If you’d ever try not being a complete dickwad for like ten minutes maybe you’d consider that there are other ways of deep-sixing your whiny ass.”

“Well, you’ll have time to come around. You’ll also have plenty of time to get used to your new name, Eris!”

“Um. How about no?”

“How about yes?” I finally tried pulling away from him, but his grip was like a vice. “Maybe you don’t realize the opportunity this provides you… You keep saying you want the world to burn, right? I’d love to help you make that happen! Fighting me isn’t the only choice you have, Eris. Join the dark side. We have cookies.” His other hand snapped and a delicious looking cookie appeared. “Don’t you want cookies?”

“I do, but I’m almost willing to bet those have raisins in them.”

“Oh, you know me too well!” He threw the plate against the wall, where it actually hit so hard that it stuck in. The cookies all flew around the room, bouncing from wall to wall. Eventually he opened his mouth and they all flew in, one at a time. It stuffed his mouth entirely and he swallowed them all at once. “There are… other advantages to dating me, as well.” The arm around my shoulder started going lower.

“You know what, I’d like to go home now,” I very quickly said, trying to inch away from his questing talons.

“There’s no reason to fear me, Eris,” he warmly said, actually nuzzling the top of my head. “I know just how you like it!”

“Don’t tell me you’re a rapist, too!”

“I… am not, actually.” His arm finally pulled back. “To be quite honest, I am incapable of enjoying sex. I see no reason to force myself on you. Torturing you in other ways is so much more fun! Though I would be quite happy playing you like a violin, my lovely little instrument…”

“Yeah, well, I don’t have a god complex. Or fetish, I guess. Or a creepy fucked up abomination fetish, either. Which is why I really hate my body.”

“Man, you’re really gonna hate it when I’m done with you, then!”

“...We’ll just see about that.”

“What are you gonna do, cut everything off?” he asked, giggling.

“Uh. Yeah?”

“Wait, what?” He actually sounded surprised.

“I thought you were watching me all the time. Yes, I’m actually going to cut all of these off.”

“Whoa. That’s fucking hardcore. None of them have ever done that before! I wonder what’ll happen…”

“Can’t be worse than this bullshit,” I said. “Seriously, can we be done here?”

“Oh, I hate to see you frown, Eris! I’m looking forward to seeing you in white. It’ll make your smile shine!”

“So do you really see nothing creepy about creating me as a teenager, gender flipping me, and then trying to date me?”

“The teenager thing wasn’t my fault. The more times I manifest somebody, the younger their apparition becomes. This is the last time I can use your soul again. You’re the last chance to do it right, Nav—Er, Eris! And of course, if you fail, his soul becomes mine forever and you don’t have a choice anymore anyway!”

“What do you mean, if I fail? Was that part of the deal?”

“Oh, silly me. Guess I forgot to mention his side! He said if he could earn a new soul, that I’d release his into the afterlife. That certainly wouldn’t affect you, aside from getting a soul of your own. But if you fail to obtain a soul before your transformation is complete, I get to keep his soul, meaning you’ll become my wife forever.”

“...I don’t like that deal.”

“Too bad! You know, I think I’m going to enjoy picking out your wedding dress… I think it’ll be very short cut, so everyone can peek up it!”

“Can you please just not,” I sighed, finally relaxing and trying to sink into the water. I knew I couldn’t drown, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

“Once I own you for good, I’ll definitely have to fix up that attitude,” he said. “I expect better from my fiancée! I’ll have to fix your body back to what it should be, which I am just really looking forward to. You obviously need more in the breast department. And your booty is just pathetic! Really, you need to thiccen up.”

“Maybe I have an eating disorder. You don’t know, don’t judge!”

“I do know, actually. You’re just trying to passively kill yourself because you’re too much of a pussy to ever actually do it. Also you couldn’t succeed if you tried, because you kinda can’t die without my permission. Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve never had to actually intervene.”

“...Wait, seriously?”

“I mean, there were the obvious times when I sent Miguel after you and a few other things, but I never had to actually directly save your life. You just somehow kept getting super lucky over and over again. I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“High rolls,” I replied with a shrug.

“You’re a masterful nerd,” he said, booping me on the nose. He finally pulled me into his lap and started brushing my hair. “So, it’s time I make my real offer.”

“What, you don’t want me as your cutie pie human girlfriend?”

“Oh, you don’t get a choice in that part,” he said, running one of his hands along my side and leaving it on my hip. I tried to pull away, but didn’t have it in me. “If you lose, of course. And you most definitely won’t be human at that point. The deal, however… Well, I won’t force you to take it.”

“I know what’s happened to everyone you’ve ever worked with.”

“Not everyone,” he said. “In the end, everybody always got what they wanted. Sometimes, they just weren’t grateful for it.”

“You’re gonna have to explain that one to me,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Every time I give a person what they want, they usually disobey one of my conditions or ignore one of my suggestions. Their downfalls are all on them.”

“...Okay, keep explaining. Give me examples.”

“Look around, Nav!” he said, finally hugging me close to his furry chest. “Let’s start with Celestia. She took the elements of harmony, knowing they were cursed. When she used them, she gained thousands of years of life. Then when I told her to be a good ruler, she became a tyrant.”

“Fair enough, though it’s not like she really had much of a choice.”

“And then there’s Chrysalis. No matter what she does, she’ll never be Moonbeam again, not without my help. I told her to be a good mother. Instead, she became a monster, turning her children into slaves.”

“Kinda hard to feed a population that requires love to live.”

“That’s why you integrate into society as a helpful working class. All of them are subservient in nature already, so just turn them into servants that work for emotions.”

“...A purpose-built slave class.”

He grinned. “Now you’re getting it.”

“You’ve tried this before!”

That made him grin and clap his fucked up hands. “Now she gets it! A slave class is how you build a society, Nav! Societies were built to stop Discord!”

“Be honest, please. Are you trying to die?”

“Right now, I am trying to make a deal.”

“...Alright. I’m listening.”

“You realize now that I have been guiding you from the beginning, right?”

“I’d also like you to explain that one. You mentioned it before, but I’d like some examples.”

“That would take a while. For now, I’ll give you one example. Did you ever wonder what really happened to Taya’s parents?”

“I take it from that question, you are trying to die. Because you just signed your death warrant.”

“Why?” he asked with a giggle. “In Egypt, she was destined to become a slave of the government. She would have been turned into a mindless killing machine. Even if her parents could have gotten her out, there was no way they could have gotten to safety. After you rescued her, I introduced myself and made an offer. She accepted it. Now, look at her! She is your monstrously powerful, immortal little filly! The most beloved little girl in history, with a mommy who will be by her side for eternity!”

“...You monster.”

He gasped in mock offense. “How rude! I gave you the perfect little girl! She wants nothing but to love and protect you! And she’s so, so happy to do so!”

“So it’s a cursed gift. You make her a little monster, but a happy one!”

“If she is a monster, it is only your parenting to blame. All I did was give her the tools to do what she wanted: be your little girl forever! Now she is your adorable little attack filly, there to guard your back for all of time!”

“And to lust after me the whole way!”

“Well… look at how you treat her,” he said. “All those bellyrubs? Oof! Why do you think she moans so much? She just can’t get enough of being your adorable little filly! You really did a number on her. Truly, mommy of the year over here!”

“Eat a dick. So what, you gave her power and guided her along the path to become immortal?”

“Indeed. And now she is happy. She got exactly what she wanted!”

“And what did you get out of it?” I asked.

“Your attention.”

“...That’s a hell of an introduction.”

“I know. That’s why I put in the effort. And to be honest, I quite believe you’ll want to hear my offers.”

“It’s plural now?”

“Again, join me! Think of all the suffering they’ve wrought upon you. Think of how most species treat you, even now. With you, me, your daughter, and the elementals, we could wreak havoc on those who abused you so. Maybe even kill off all life! At that point, it would be easy to get you a soul so you and your little filly can live together peacefully for eternity. With no conflict left in the world, I die.”

“And sign the death knell for every race? I don’t think so.”

“Then my second offer. Let me be a crew member on your ship!”

“No. How’s that even an offer?”

“Are you kidding?” he asked with a scoff. “I’m monstrously powerful! With me at your beck and call, you could get anything done!”

“The answer is still an absolute and hard no.”

“Eh, it was always a longshot. Now, for my final offer… Give me Athena’s book and I will make you a man again.”

“Sorry, I’m not gay.”

It took him a few seconds to respond. “Um. I actually don’t follow.”

“If you’re going to force me to date you, I’m not going to do it as a guy. So go fuck yourself.”

“Fuck me yourself, you coward!” he said. I suddenly felt a throbbing erection pressing against my back.

“...No.”

“Okay.” The erection disappeared. “So I take it you really don’t want your cock back…”

“Obviously I do, but also obviously, I’m not turning over any humans to you. I don’t care if they’re both horrifying nutjobs. If you want to pick on a human, go visit Arachne in South America.”

“I actually did recently, just to pinch her cheeks. She was so excited to see me!”

“Yeah, I bet. So, you said that was your final offer. We done here?”

“You are just determined to make this a bad first date, aren’t you?”

“I don’t wanna date you, so… yeah?”

He sighed. “And I went through all this trouble to bring you here…”

“Well, this place is certainly pretty nice, but it could do with less genocidal monsters here.”

“But then I’d be here all by myself?”

“Oh ha ha. I think we both know you’re guilty of far more mass killing than I am.”

“Well, I don’t mean to brag, but you’re certainly quite right! It’s just so fun to toy with the mortal races! But don’t worry, Eris. You’ll always be my favorite.” He ended by snuggling me up close, which actually felt kinda nice. Now that his touch didn’t hurt, his body was kinda comfy. Super fucked up and creepy, but comfy.

“So where are we on being done with this?” I asked.

“Come now, Eris! I know you inside and out. I’m quite aware you find this body of mine comfy!”

Great, and now he’s in my head.

“And always have been! I’m just not always actually rooting around in there like those nasty elementals you have.”

“To be quite honest, I don’t really know how to date. And I doubt you know much about it either. How about we just push this forward to never and you drop me back off at my place?”

“I’m afraid never is just too far away,” he sighed. “We’ll match schedules later. For now, since you insist, I’ll take you back…”

“I’d also like the clothes back, if possible. It seemed like Moonie put a lot of work into them.”

“Of course I’d be happy to give your pretty dress back, Eris! On one condition, that is…” His hands wrapped around me and he spun me around so he could kiss me. His disturbing, insane eyes stared me down while his tongue toyed with mine. After way too long, he finally pulled back with a grin. “And how was that for a first kiss, hm?”

“...Please just kill me,” I whispered.

“Wonderful!” His talons snapped and I appeared back in Celestia’s throne room, completely dry and back to wearing clothes.

“What the absolute fu—”

I was cut off by a hug from a giant white furry mass. “Thank the light you’re safe!” Celestia said. “I was so worried about you, Nav!”

“So I take it her conversion is complete?”

“You take it correctly,” Aqua said. “Flo will be remaining with her for now.”

“How do you feel, Celestia?” I asked.

“Wonderful! It’s like all my worries have just been washed away… Thank you for avoiding violence, Nav. I will be delighted to work with you and the others to bring the world forward!”

“Man. I cannot believe this actually worked.”

“Is there something wrong?” Celestia asked, finally pulling back slightly.

I hugged her back. “Nope! I was just expecting you to somehow break free last minute and try to fight.”

“Well, there is no worry of that now,” she warmly replied. “That old witch has been washed away for good.”

Fucking score. If I hadn’t learned that I might be stuck married to Discord forever, this would be my best day in Equestria so far. “Cool.” My arms finally pulled back, but she continued hugging me. “So where’s Twilight and Luna?”

“They went to look for you, but I’m not sure where they decided to look.”

“Huh. Then I guess I’ll just go back home for now.”

“You don’t have to go!” she quickly said. “I haven’t had any petitioners, so I was considering taking lunch. You are welcome to join me!”

“Only if you’ll stop hugging me.”

“I’d be happy to stop… for now.” She finally released me, taking a huge weight off my shoulders. “Walk with me, Navi.” We both started walking to the big doors. “I have all of her memories. It’s… weird. In some ways, it’s like I’m watching events happen to another. And there are no emotions attached to any of them…”

“That is a side-effect of the personality wipe,” Aqua said in hopefully both our heads. “To destroy a personality but keep the memories, we have to strip the emotions from the memories. How you feel during the events of your life is what dictates your personality in the end. Remove the feelings and all that’s left is a slideshow reel and a husk of a personality. Since we didn’t completely wipe everything, you’ll occasionally find a few memories with emotions attached. And at the moment, Flo is going back through some of your memories and fabricating emotions as she goes. You’ll become more complete and stable as time goes on.”

“...How unstable is she now?” I slowly asked.

“I feel just peachy!” Sunbutt said, wrapping a wing around me to pull me close.

“She’s considerably more stable than you are at the moment,” Aqua said.

“That’s not very nice at all,” Celestia said. “Nav has been through a lot. It’s not her fault that her mental state is… abnormal.”

“Yeah man, shit’s been a hell of a ride. I just got told that I’m destined to be Discord’s wife.”

“I think I know just the way to stop that,” Celestia said. “You should marry someone else instead! Then he couldn’t possibly marry you.”

“While I do appreciate the thought, I don’t think it would bother him. Apparently I can stop it and free myself by obtaining a soul.”

“Then we’ll have to see what we can do about getting you one,” she said with a nod. “So how was your trip to the bunker?”

“Fun. Aqua, flash her the memories of it.”

“Done.”

Celestia didn’t even miss a beat. “Hm. The human perspective is so strange. Your eyes are in different locations and see things oddly. It’s good to see that your leadership is improving.” She paused for a few moments before nodding. “Very, very interesting. It will take me some time to peruse through everything, but I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on what we can do with what you found.”

“Once Brook and Aqua get here, they’ll be able to start working on ways to use the information we picked up. I have all kinds of ideas. Wanna help me form a royal academy next to the Everfree?”

“Of course! What will it be teaching?”

“Human science and whatnot. Also monster slaying, so I can start cleansing the forest and turning it into something useful. Definitely science and critical thinking. Oh, and runeworking. Probs a whole bunch of other shit. I’ll draw up the lesson plan with Twiggles later.”

She giggled and finally pulled her wing away. “It’ll be wonderful to finally really work with you, Navi!”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great.” Aqua snorted.

“You are,” Celestia replied with a nod. “And a true hero! You know, it might be time to make you an umbral knight…”

“That might be for the best,” I said. “That way, I can directly counter you if you ever somehow revert.”

“Don’t worry, my little human,” she warmly said. “I’ll keep you safe from that monster.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to not pull that my little whatever bullshit with me.”

“Hm, I’ll consider it. I do so enjoy making you flustered! Your pout is so cute!”

“I’m not cute, I’m fierce!”

She turned her head to look me up and down. “In that dress, I’d say you look more sexy than fierce. I assume it’s a gift from Moonbeam?”

“You assume correctly. And yeah, this dress definitely makes me feel pretty hot.”

“Hm… I can’t wait to tear it off of you…”

“What?”

She flinched slightly. “What?”

“Flo, did you not erase her sex drive?”

“Why would I do that?” she answered with Celestia’s mouth. “That would just be cruel.”

“Well, I can’t fuck her now!”

“Why not?” Celestia asked.

After taking a moment to consider what we were actually talking about, I decided to look up and down the hall. The only ones around were the Aqua-controlled guards that were following us. Since it was clear, I said, “I’m not going to brainwash you and then sleep with you. That’s just… I don’t know, wrong or whatever.”

“I’m a complete person and a consenting adult,” Celestia replied. “We were doing it plenty before the brainwash. I see no reason not to continue it after. And this time, I won’t purposefully try to feminize you all the time in an effort to help you adjust.”

“Little blessings,” I muttered.

“So, after lunch, how about we take a short little trip to my chambers?” she sweetly asked.

“I’m gonna pass.” She sighed and hung her head.

After a few seconds, Aqua cleared her throat. “So you’ll give Luna a sec—”

“You shut your whore mouth,” I said aloud.

“...You gave Luna a second chance?” Celestia whispered.

“I mean, in her dreams.”

“I suppose you did always find her more attractive…”

“I didn’t brainwash Luna,” I replied, flicking her back.

“No, you didn’t. You just made her a vassal, which means she’s unable to turn you down anyway. What was that you said about relationships with those you control?”

“That they were bad. Which is why I don’t have a relationship with her. I’m just throwing her a bone in her dreams every now and then. For your information, it’s actually only been once, so far.”

We finally got to her dining room. She opened the door with magic and graciously allowed me to enter first. I took the seat closest to her big-ass chair, which she promptly plopped into. “You may have had me brainwashed, but you did not pick the personality that replaced the original. And if my personality happens to mesh well with yours, I see no reason not to take advantage of it. This career has a considerable amount of stress and I would be quite pleased with your assistance to help relieve it.”

“Look, I’ll consider it. It seems super squicky to me, but I will consider it. At this point, it’s not like I really have much in the way of standards anyway.”

“I understand that your mind is unwell. Perhaps it might be best for us to avoid it after all…”

“Maybe.” Though I’m sure I’ll find someone else to fill my bed.

She sighed and looked away. Her horn finally lit up and a small bell went off. Her paid slaves started carting food in. They fucked right off when the table was full. “You don’t have to sound so happy about it.”

“I never sound happy about anything.”

“That’s not true at all,” she said with a smirk. “You get this smug tone when you get your way. It’s one of the few times there’s ever any life in your voice, which is one reason the old me found it so easy to manipulate you.”

“...Interesting.”

“It is, of course, something about which you need not worry with me. If I want you to do something, I will tell you. I see no reason to try to force your hoof.”

“And I’ll do my best to stop purposefully pushing your buttons just for quick laughs.”

That made her giggle. “By all means, continue! Though I do warn you that I will not be so easily riled. And many of the buttons might have changed. After all, you can’t accuse me of being a tyrant anymore!”

“I wasn’t accusing anybody of anything,” I said. “I was just making a simple statement of fact.” The honey-drizzled fruit was calling my name, so I finally started eating.

“Hm. So tell me, Nav. Do you think you rule my kingdom now?”

“Oh hell no. That’s exactly why I wanted to brainwash you instead of kill you. I never wanted to rule Equestria, which I couldn’t drill into the head of your predecessor. I do think I’m now in a position where I’m not in danger of having my head chopped off anymore. And I also think I’m now in a position where being listened to is a guarantee, not a false hope. But I don’t expect you to obey me. Equestria is yours.”

“It’s good to know that you understand your place,” she warmly replied, reaching over to boop me.

“‘Kay. So, are you considering a diet now?”

“Hm… No.” Just like that, she shoved an entire cupcake into her mouth. “I want to be able to hold you down more easily while I toy with you later.”

Hot. “Gotta stay positive,” I replied with a nod.

“We both know you’ll give in, Nav,” she said, floating over a banana. “It’s only a matter of time.”

“I mean, yeah. But I do have a rebuttal. You said before that you were a complete person. That’s false. Flo is still adding emotions to memories. That means you’re not quite done yet.”

“Fine. I don’t feel any different now than when I first awoke, though.” She unpeeled the banana and used it to pantomime some very lewd actions, all while staring me in the eyes.

When it got old, I grinned and said, “Hot, but wrong medium. You forget I have a—” She finally swallowed the entire banana whole, making her eyes slam wide open. “Holy shit. Was that on purpose?”

“It… wasn’t,” she croaked. “I suppose I had that coming. Today is technically my first time using magic. It’s… finicky, but I’ll get used to it. And you’re right, I did forget. Allow me to rectify my mistake.” One of the things on the fruit platter was half a cantaloupe. She floated it up to her face and shoved her muzzle inside, staring me dead in the eyes once more. When she had me transfixed, she moaned and I started hearing all kinds of squelching, pleasant sounding noises coming from the fruit. Soon enough, juices started leaking down her neck.

“See, that’s much better,” I said, adjusting myself slightly. She giggled and closed her eyes, slowing the noises down. I could hear her loudly gulping. “I was kinda hoping Flo would make you more reserved than this, though.”

“Really?” Aqua asked. “After how far you corrupted her?”

I guess that’s fair. God, I bet she made Celestia even more perverted! When Celestia finally set the rind down, I saw that she had eaten all the actual melon away. “Wow.”

She licked some of the sweet liquid off her face with a grin. “That really hits the spot. It’s almost as sweet as you, my little Navi!”

“So yeah, while I did find that pretty hot, can you not do it again?”

“Oh, fine.” One of her hooves reached over and somehow pinched my cheek, despite the hoof being covered in metal and being, you know, a fucking hoof. “Anything for you!”

“Good, ‘cause I’m also gonna need you to never pinch either of the cheeks on my face again.”

“Aww, I don’t get to push any of your buttons?”

“No. That’s also a pretty huge part of why I brainwashed you. Duh.”

She looked away again. “...Oh. I thought we were to be equals.”

“Obviously not. You’re the one in charge of Equestria. That defs put you way above me.”

“And yet you are giving me orders about what I can and cannot do.”

“You’re the one who literally just said you’d do anything for me.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t think it’s unfair! You get to push my buttons all you want and I can’t do anything back? That just makes me your royal punching bag!”

I stared at her in silence for a few long seconds before nodding. “Yeah, pretty much. I offered to stop, but you told me not to.”

“That isn’t fair,” Flo said, taking over Celestia’s corporeal form. “You can’t just dictate all of her behaviors. You lost the right to do that when you refused to marry her.”

“You refused to marry me?!” Celestia yelled, pulling back. “Why?!”

“I thought we covered this. If brainwashing you for sex would be bad, brainwashing you for marriage would be super fucked up.”

“Which is totally fair,” Flo said. “But we were discussing a bunch of pretty super fucked up options, so it seemed prudent to put everything on the table.”

“So how is me telling her what she can and can’t do unfair?” I asked. “I think I earned the right to be picky.”

“Because I’ve never done anything wrong to you!” Fakelestia said. “I deserve a fair first chance, same as anypony else! And that includes the right to act how I want to whom I want. I understand that you may find some of my behaviors to be distasteful, but this is what you agreed to when you chose to brainwash me instead of killing me. Please, Nav. Will you allow me to be me?”

“Fine, but don’t be a bitch about it.”

“I would never!” One of her wings flapped over and booped me on the nose. “Just give it time, Navi! I’m sure you’ll come to love the new me!”

“I highly doubt it, but I’m willing to be proven wrong.”

“That’s all I can ask.” She pulled her wing back with a big ol’ grin. “I’m curious, Nav. Have I passed your inspection?”

“Yes. As far as I can tell, you have no traces of evil.”

“Flo and I are both delighted to hear it.” And with that, we finally continued obtaining sustenance.

When I had my fill, I sat back and just watched Celestia. To be fair, I had been glancing at her off and on, but now I was pretty blatantly staring.

“Is something the matter?” she finally asked.

“There’s not a thing out of place,” I said. “So far, all of your mannerisms are just like hers. It’s… almost eerie.”

“I am her,” she replied. “A few personality quirks were just expunged.”

“That isn’t true,” Aqua said. “Celestia was completely erased and painstakingly rebuilt. This is Flo’s precision at work.”

“I am her,” Celestia very firmly said. “I am Celestia.”

“Yes, you are,” I said. “And you can never understand how grateful I am that you are.”

“...How did you feel about who I was, Nav?” she asked. “Truly?”

“I felt a wide variety of things about who you were. For the most part, I was afraid of you. Everyone in the country was.”

“You were afraid… I remember knowing that. And I remember… using it.”

“Oh, yes. You most definitely did. There were a few times when you threatened to imprison me for life if I didn’t do as you asked.”

“I have not had much time to go through my memories. I see that I have much to fix.”

“I’m not afraid of you, now,” I said.

“Yes you are. You’re uncertain of me. Uncertain of how I’ll act. Of how good of a princess I’ll be. You’re afraid that brainwashing me was the wrong choice. And most of all, you’re afraid that I’ll revert. Killing me was the only way for you to immediately alleviate that fear, but you thankfully couldn’t bring yourself to do it.”

“That would be such a waste,” I said. “I knew you could be so much more. You’re right. I am worried. But I know that should you ever fail, we’ll be there to help you.”

“The mare I used to be was a fool,” Celestia said, smiling. “She never should have abused you.”

“The mare you used to be was far too paranoid,” I said. “And could never bring herself to truly trust someone else. She was a complete control freak who turned herself into a god. I wanted to help her. I wanted her to change. But she was just too far gone. I couldn’t let her threaten my people. I definitely couldn’t let her threaten Taya.”

“You said you felt a wide variety of things for me. What else was there?”

“Lust was pretty high up there. As you said, there were times we had an active sex life. There were definitely times I was angry at you, and times I was worried about you. Sometimes, I admired you. Others, I hated you. I’m not sure if you’ve been through all the memories yet, but you’ve been a very significant part of my life for the past several years, usually for the worst.”

“I have been going through the memories. Flo is assisting. I have one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s personal and you don’t have to answer.”

“You can ask as many questions as you want. I won’t necessarily answer all of them and I might eventually get bored and wander off, though.”

“Did you ever love me?”

“I don’t know. There were times I thought that maybe I did. But you and Cadance both told me that love was a choice, not a feeling. And no offense to you, but there’s no way I would have ever chosen to love that monster. Whatever I felt for the mare you once were, it wasn’t love.”

“I know you expect me to be shocked or perhaps perturbed by that, but I appreciate your honesty. I intend to ask similar questions to many others who were close to the mare I was. I will not apologize for what she did, but I will swear an oath to do better. You will not fear me when I am done, Navarone. And you will never consider me a monster again.”

“Will I love you?”

“If love is a choice, that’s up for you to decide.” That seemed like a fitting way to end a conversation, so I stopped staring and let her get back to inhaling food.

When her fat ass was finally stuffed, her horn lit up and a small pouch appeared on the table. “This is for you.”

“What is it?” I asked, reaching over for the thing.

“Thirty cherry blossom seeds. It should be enough to last you for a while.”

“Excellent. I need to give one to Taya immediately.”

“Yes, it would be wise to let her hide one,” Celestia said. “I would also like one.”

“I can arrange that. I’m going to make one today and then go into the coma tomorrow.”

“I would like you to do it here, in the palace. You will be at your most vulnerable, so it’s only natural you should be where it’s safest.”

“Yeah, I’ve been considering where to do it for a while. It’s quite the conundrum…”

“Well, now you have your answer,” she said with a nod. “I’ll have a place prepared for you in my chambers.”

“I was actually considering doing it in Athena’s book. She and Hera have offered to watch over me and help me heal.”

“...Heal?”

“Yeah. I guess I didn’t mention that I’ll also be chopping off my wings and tail.”

“What?! How could you?!”

“Probably with the help of magic, if I had to guess,” I said. “I’m going to ask that they put me in the coma first.”

“Nav, chopping off the parts of you that you don’t like is not the right answer!”

“It is when Discord told me upfront that he’s turning me into a monster like him and that if my transformation finishes before I get a soul, I become his plaything for eternity. So it’s not really that difficult of a choice. This shit has got to go and I figure Athena and Hera are the two who are most likely to be able to put me back together.”

“I disagree. Moonbeam and I together could help you regrow anything faster than any amount of crazed humans. There’s no telling what they might do to you while you’re unconscious. You will be safe and sound in my care.”

“I need to build up trust with them. Letting them take care of me might help. I’ll talk it over with Athena before deciding.”

“I will have a place made ready for when you make the right decision. Now, shall we head back to my room for an after-lunch tryst?”

“I’m afraid not. I’m gonna head to my pad and shove one of these seeds in my belly button. I’m also gonna boop my cute little maid.”

“Way to make a mare jealous,” the princess sighed.

“Well yeah. The more jealous I make you now, the more fun I’ll have later when I finally give in!”

“Oh ho, now I see. Well, I’ve no interest in playing that particular game.” She finally got back to her hooves. “I will continue asking until you either give in or tell me to stop, but I have no more interest in feeling jealousy for you until we have something about which to be jealous.”

“Fair enough.” I hopped up and followed her out. “I’ll see you eventually, Sunbutt.”

“Farewell for now, my little Navi.” She started walking back to her throne room. The exit I needed was that way, but I walked the other to avoid having to talk to her more. When I got bored of walking through halls, I found a door leading to a wall and jumped off the side. From there, flying to my house was mostly a breeze. The only issue was how fucking frigid it was.

I tried letting myself in, but the ingrates locked me out of my own house. The big ol’ knockers on the front of the door were pretty loud and my lovely maid was right at the door. “Welcome to—My lady!”

“‘Sup?” She jumped forward and hugged me. I wrapped her up in my arms and walked in, then kicked the door shut behind me. “It’s pretty fucking cold out there.”

“What are you doing back in Canterlot?”

“Well, I live here.”

“Come on, Nav! Where’s everybody else?”

“Most of them are at the bunker. A few are on the way here on the Ambassador. Twilight’s… probably somewhere around here. I had some pressing business to take care of, so I had to come back early. Where’s everybody else?”

“Smiles and our first new hire are in the forge, the naga is in the sun room, and Silver is out getting lunch.”

“Coolsies, you and the naga are the only two that need to hear this anyway.” I carried her into the sun room, where the naga was defs chillaxin’. “‘Sup.”

“Welcome back to Canterlot, Navarone,” he said with a nod. “I assume you have more stories of your great deeds?”

“You assume correctly.” I finally dropped Doppel and sat at the naga’s table. “But first, we need to have a quick little chat.”

“About what?” Doppel asked as she found her own chair. “Wait… What happened to your eyes?”

“Something about the weather at the bunker made them instantly change to bright green. It also made my hair sprout flowers, but that didn’t last. Anyway, you know how I was planning a coup?”

“Vaguely,” Doppel replied.

“I assumed,” the naga added.

“Well, I wasn’t the only one. Aqua’s crazy ass took over Celestia, then took over me. I got control over her in the bunker, which gave me control over Celestia. I held a summit in the Crystal Empire to decide what to do with her. In short, we decided to brainwash her into becoming the perfect princess. Bitchlestia is dead and Canonlestia rules in her place.”

“So you have exterminated the elementals for good?” Ames asked.

“I did not, no. I did turn Aqua into my slave, though. She totes hates it. We also had all the elementals cleansed of their corruption, so they won’t be nearly as horrifyingly insane.”

“So why didn’t you just marry Celestia?” Doppel asked.

“Because I didn’t wanna. Did Silver actually go on her vacation?”

“Of course not. So what was the bunker like?”

“It was pretty neat. How was Canterlot?”

“Boring… How was the festival?”

“Fucking rad, aside from the bounty hunters. How was the clan?”

“They were well,” the naga said. “And they’re quite interested in seeing you again.”

“No they aren’t, they just think they are. The instant they realize I have disgusting lady parts instead of a wonderful dick, they’ll probs either kick me out or force me to get married.”

“Unless they already know and just want to test your skills,” the naga offhandedly said.

“Unless that, yes. But since I know that’s just a hypothetical—”

“It’s not, actually.” I just stared at him. “I told them.”

“Why?”

“They asked why you were avoiding the caves. I told them the truth.”

“Wow.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Doppel said. “They want you there to test your skills, Nav. Prove to them that women aren’t just for looks.”

“Oh, as if that will make them change their minds. Remember, I used to be a dude. They’ll use that as their excuse after I whoop some snake-person ass.”

“Nav is likely correct,” the naga said. “Which is why they also invited Kat. They have no intention of inviting her into the clan, but they do want to see the purported female warrior.”

“Did you mention that she was a murderer?” I asked.

“No. I merely mentioned that she was likely one of the most formidable opponents I have found in my journey, despite being female.”

“Well, I need to drop something off there anyway, so I guess we’ll go at some point. I also need to go back to the clan under the Sphinx in Egypt, because apparently I actually am the one.”

“The one what?” Doppel asked.

“Like, the chosen one. Turns out that was me. I need to go back and prove it to those guys so they’ll join my war.”

“Your what now?” the naga asked.

“I’m leading Equestria into war against Tartarus.”

“Wow. Why?”

“A bunch of reasons. The biggest one is the big-ass spring of corrupted magic under it. With that cleansed and under my control, I’ll become the most powerful person on the planet. Another reason is because that’s where the last fire elemental is. Another is because the best way to weaken a being that is powered by discord is to get rid of a huge chunk of the discordant population. A pretty big one is because the local species of Tartarus have been under constant siege by the dregs of society and it’s time to fix that and bring them into the world. Nobody’s gonna be upset if we lead a crusade against the demons of hell. We’ve already been offered support by a few people and I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to effectively steamroll that place by the time I fully retrofit the army.”

“It sounds like a war worthy of legends! I’m sure my clan would be happy to join your crusade!”

“It sounds risky,” Doppel said. “Tartarus is supposedly the most dangerous place on the planet!”

“Well, I’m gonna find out firsthand,” I said. “Because I’ve been just about everywhere else. Tartarus will be the boss battle to end all boss battles.”

“So… how long will you be in Canterlot this time?” Doppel asked.

“About twenty-four hours. Then I’ll be spending some time in a coma. After that will probably be a whirlwind of activity.”

“Not as long as I was hoping, but it’s still plenty of time to meet the first potential new hire. He did say he had already met you, though.”

“First, I want to go get into something a little less presentable. Moonie put a lot of work into the dress and I feel super sexy, but it’s not very comfortable.”

“I would be delighted to help you prepare, my lady!” Doppel sweetly said.

“Good. I’ve missed your tender touch. Say, where’s Spider? I figured he’d be playing music.”

“At the library,” Doppel said. “They let him borrow more books than usual since he’s better at hunting mice than their cats. At the moment, I think he’s helping a pony xenobiologist write a report.”

“Neat. Then shall we?”

“Of course!” She flew out of her seat and pulled my chair back for me. I didn’t actually need it, but whatever. When we got out into the main hall, she flew up the stairs and unlocked my door for me while I trudged up the stairs like a peasant. By the time I finally got to my bodacious crib, she already had three outfits lined up for me. “I really don’t know how you managed without me, my lady…”

“It was tough. Kat tried, but all the creepy possessiveness kinda ruined it. Sunny ended up falling into the role because everyone else found it too demanding.”

I finally walked up to the bed, where she had everything laid out. While I started looking them over, she began undressing me. Apparently my choices were a sundress, a simple blouse and skirt, or a fairly thick and plain grey dress.

Grey fit my mood, so I nodded at it. “I guess that’ll do, though I don’t know why you didn’t pick any pants.”

“This may be your second impression with him, but it’s still an important one. It’s his first time greeting you as his employer, so he needs to see you dressed at least somewhat like a lady.”

“Whatever I guess. So tell me about this person. You said we’ve met?”

“Do you remember Atlantis?”

“I do. I also remember hearing that Equestria was sending ambassadors to try and get the prisoners freed.”

“They did. He was one of them, a griffin. Apparently he spent some time speaking to Twilight.”

“Oh yeah, the super gay one. I guess that explains why he’s in the forge with Smiles. A sissy little predator is exactly what he wanted.”

“Sure was,” Doppel said with a nod. “And Smiles has been taking full advantage of the situation!”

“So tell me this griffin’s name.”

“Aurora.”

“...Seriously?”

“That’s not his real name, obviously. He didn’t actually tell us. Apparently he wants to leave his old life behind entirely, and I don’t really blame him.”

“So what brought him here?” I asked. She finally got all my clothes off, so she dumped the grey dress over me and quickly slid it into place.

“One of your airships, actually. The princess wanted to ask them all questions.”

“I meant here here, not Canterlot. Why did he want to work for me?”

“Apparently you made an impression on all of them. The others tried coming here as well. Smiles and I spent some time talking to them, but I didn’t offer any of them jobs. Aurora was the only one I trusted not to steal everything and run.”

“Well, whatever I guess.”

Once she found stockings for me, she placed a small vibe in me and tucked the battery into the top of the stockings. “One quick test…” She pumped it, making me shiver in delight. “Good. So are you ready, my lady?”

I walked over to a random pair of shoes and slid into them. “Yep. Shall we go out the back?”

“Absolutely not! There’s no need to subject my lady to the cold. Go to the Sun Room. I shall fetch him for you.”

“‘Kay.” That left her to slide out the back and fly on down. As soon as she stepped out, I walked over to where she hung up the other dress and grabbed the bag of seeds Celestia gave me. I took them to the desk, where I had tape. When one of the seeds was firmly in my belly-button, I flipped the dayglass on my table and walked downstairs.

Twilight was waiting in the day room with the naga. As soon as she saw me, she teleported forward and hugged me. “Thank Celestia you’re alright!”

“But she didn’t do anything to help me,” I replied, hugging my mare back. “I did get some pretty useful info, though. The tl;dr version is that Discord is making me look like him and when the transformation is complete, he’ll own me wholly and turn me into his wife.”

“Alright, that sounds really horrible. But before we go into it more, can you define tl;dr?”

“It stands for ‘too long; didn’t read’. In this particular instance, it would equate to ‘long story short’.”

“Got it. So I guess that gives you more reasons to cut everything off.”

“Sho Nuff.”

She sighed and finally dropped down. “And that one means?”

“Sure enough. I put a seed in my belly button a few minutes ago. I plan to enter the coma as soon as it matures. I’ll be giving this one to Celestia, because I figure she can probably keep one safer than anyone else.”

“No, you’re going to give this one to me, because I’m the best mare for you and you trust me more than that sock puppet.”

“Be nice to Newlestia. She hasn’t done anything to deserve disrespect. Her sins have been washed away. In fact, she seems quite sweet.”

“So you had a chance to talk to her after you escaped Discord, but you couldn’t spend any time finding me?”

“I didn’t know where you were and I didn’t want to search the entire city. I also needed some stuff from the house and I figured you would end up here eventually. Hell, where’s Luna?”

“In one of your bathrooms, taking a shower. She said she would be more comfortable staying here than in the palace.”

“She’s welcome to a room on the third floor. Her accomodations won’t be as spacious, but I’m sure she’ll probably find some kind of horrific, ungodly magical solution to that.”

“Are you sure having her here is wise?” the naga asked.

“No. But she’s been loyal so far, so I have no reason to doubt her. Twilight, can you do something for me?”

“Anything!”

“Draw a teleportation symbol in the room directly upstairs from here. I want to get in direct contact with the bunker so our troops can rest at home between shifts.”

“You don’t want a general teleport sign for that,” Twilight said. “You’ll want a direct-linked sigil. I’ll need to get some books from the library here, but I can have it done before night.”

“Awesome. I’m not planning on leaving the house again, so I should be here whenever you finish.”

“...Will it get me out of tummy-rub timeout?”

“It just might,” I said, booping her on the nose.

“Then I’ll get started right away!” Her horn lit up and she vanished, just in time for Doppel to walk in with a semi-familiar griffin. I think some sun, a few showers, and a few days of real food did wonders for the guy.

Aurora demurely followed Doppel, who stopped in front of me and waved a hoof behind her. “I present Aurora, my lady.”

The dude bowed and said, “My lady.”

“You were nice to us while we were in Atlantis.”

“I try to be nice to everybody, my lady.”

“Not a bad idea, sometimes. Do you have any experience working in a noble’s household?”

“No. I spent most of my time as a scout for a griffin naval vessel. Our boat was presumably lost at sea while I was out scouting. I flew and flew and flew, looking for it, but got tired and fell into the ocean. The water elementals eventually saved me.”

“Hm. Stand up.” He rose, but didn’t actually meet my gaze. “I can understand not wanting to go back to being a scout, but you don’t have any other reason to go home?”

“Not really. I joined the army because I lost most of my family when I was young. After what you did for the changelings, I decided you were also nice. When I found out you were a noble lady, I decided I’d see if I could work for you. I don’t know much about working in a house like this, but I’ll do my absolute best to learn.”

“I’m happy to give you a chance,” I said. That made him beam, of course. “Do you already have a room?”

“I do. Thank you, my lady!”

“Don’t thank me yet. Doppel’s your boss, now. You’re her first toy.”

“Maybe not my first,” she said, finally turning the vibe on. “But I’ll definitely do my best to work you to the bone. I think there are places in this house that haven’t seen a duster in ages!”

“You said he’s the first new hire,” I said. “Are there others?”

“I have a few prospects. Two mares are supposed to come by for an interview soon. One is a cook and gardener and the other is a maid. They do come as a package, though.”

“We need a cook, a gardener, and another maid,” I said. “So a package deal is fine by me. I guess a lesbo couple?”

“I dunno. I assume, but maybe not. I haven’t gotten all the details yet, I just know that the one I spoke to said they’d only work together.”

“Whatever. Like I said, we need all of those things. Unless Aurora can cook or garden.”

“Until the airship finally hit land, I hadn’t seen a plant in about six years,” he said. “I did occasionally get kitchen duty on our ship, but that was also six years ago.”

“Well, that brings us up to three servants and a cook/gardener,” I said. “Assuming we hire those two, at least. I think Smiles suggested four servants, so we’d need just one more.”

“I’ll see what I can find,” Doppel said. “Any race preferences?”

“Nope. Feel free to take your time with the last one. We can probs last a while with three.”

“I’ll see what I can do to find the best fit,” she said with a nod. “Now then, let’s get you properly settled in!”

“Of course, Miss Doppel.” For some reason, that made my maid squee. She quickly dragged the guy off, presumably to find some kind of uniform for him. The toy clicked off before she turned the corner.

“Society is strange,” the naga said. “There are so many layers of rank. Servants, head servants, vassals, soldiers, nobles, royals… It’s all so confusing. How do you keep everything in order in your head?”

“Social conditioning,” I said. “Most people who grow up in societies learn the natural pecking order quickly enough. Equestria’s close enough to some of the human cultures, so I’m pretty decent at knowing who is ranked where. For an outsider looking in, I can see why it would be confusing.”

“Hm. This house is large. Do you think there might be room to bring my family to visit?”

“Yes. And if not, we can make arrangements elsewhere.”

“Excellent. I would like to take them to that meat restaurant.”

“Yeah, that place was the bomb diggity. So what have you guys been doing while I was gone?”

“I have begun writing. I’ve found that getting my thoughts on paper makes keeping track of them easier. It is also helping my ability to read. Doppel has been cleaning. Silver has been wracking her mind on your finances while avoiding advances from a crazed stalker. Smiles has been making weapons.”

“He’s making weapons?” I asked. “For who?”

“Whom,” Luna said from right behind me, making me flinch and spin around. She was just passively staring at me. “And greetings, my lady.”

“First off, don’t be that guy,” I said, booping her on the nose. “And second, start with the greetings next time.”

“I didn’t realize ponies could be that quiet,” the naga said.

“Stepping silently is a very good skill to have,” Luna replied. “For whom are these weapons being produced?”

“Ponies,” the naga replied.

“Hm. Where?”

“In the forge,” I said. “I want to see them, so let’s go.”

“I have had my fill of the cold,” the naga said. “I will be in the cellar, practicing.”

“Have fun.” Luna and I walked out the back while he slithered to the kitchen. “So what do you think of the house?”

“I approve,” Luna replied. “I hope I have time to rip the spirits out before Zecora returns and scolds me for trying.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” I said. “Plausible deniability and all that. For reference, Zecora already knows about them. In fact, she sees dead people.”

“The ability to see beyond is very rare. I am not surprised she has it. Zecora is a very interesting mare.”

“Sure is. Her belly is kinda bristly.”

“I’m sure you much prefer mine.”

“It’s not a competition,” I said, scritching one of her ears. It happened to be right as Smiles was walking out of the forge. He froze when he saw Luna. When he noticed my hand on her ear, his mouth dropped. “Sup?”

“W-what are you doing here?” he demanded.

“Well, I live here,” I said.

“Not you! Her! Nav, what is she doing here?!”

“I am here to inspect your work,” she replied. “I would like to see the weapons you have made.”

“N-Nav?”

“Yeah?” I asked with a grin.

“What is she doing here?!”

“She’s here to inspect your work,” I said with a shrug. “She would like to see the weapons you’ve made.”

“Why’s she in Canterlot?!”

“...Well, I live here,” Luna slowly replied. “Is your mind well, Sunshine Smiles? Have the metal fumes gotten to you, perhaps?”

“I’m so utterly confused,” he finally whispered, moving his head back and forth between the two of us.

“I’m not surprised,” I said, tousling his mane. Luna picked him up with magic and set him aside so the two of us could enter.

“I guess let me start here,” Smiles said, following right behind us. “I thought you were in hiding.”

“I was,” Luna said. “But no longer. Now, I am my lady’s vassal.”

“You… you serve Nav now?”

“Humbly and with honor. Let us discuss these weapons of yours.”

“...Alright. These are the two I’ve finished so far.” The first was a spear with what looked like a harness to attach it to armor. The second was a spike attached to a horse boot. “The spear has a quick release mechanism, to drop it in case it gets stuck. It’s mostly for a pure charge, or for funneling opponents. The next thing I’m going to make is a shield to go with it, to protect more of the wielder’s body. It’ll be heavy, but magic can fix that.”

“That enables the phalanx,” I said with a nod. “We’ll have to drill the army in that maneuver.”

“It also allows a turtle, if you use unicorns,” Luna said. “Three unicorns can hold a wall of steel up a lot more easily than holding a wall of magic up. And thrusting a spear forward is easier than forming a fireball.”

“What about the spike?” I asked.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” he said, pulling the thing off the anvil. He reached back around to one of his back legs and slid it on. The spike faced forward, toward his head.

“That seems kinda worthless,” I said.

That made him grin. The boot tapped on the floor twice and the spike dropped down. He lifted his hoof up and I realized the spike was on a small hinge. When his hoof was high enough off the ground, the spike locked into place and he kicked backwards. “Not useless, just hard to use,” he said, leaving his hoof in the air. “I uh… I haven’t figured out how to make it go back yet…”

I walked over and slid the thing off his leg. “It’s an interesting concept, but it seems like a good way to get yourself mcfucked up pretty quickly. Imagine what happens if your leg gets stuck in whatever you stab.”

“I’m working on a quick release for the spike,” he said. “That will come after I figure out how to unlock them again.”

“Skip unlocking them,” I said. “Make a quick release and make them disposable. This should be an emergency use only weapon. It’s just so utterly inconvenient.”

“Skip building it entirely,” Luna said. “I have already given Jak plans for several pony weapons. The spears and shields are a good idea, but the claws of old quite handily trump the spike you have made.”

“Describe these claws,” I said.

“As with the spike, they go on the hooves and they have a locking mechanism. However, by default, they are on the front hooves and they are locked in place against your leg. When you release them, they lock into place perpendicular to your hoof, acting somewhat akin to the talons of griffins.”

“Well, I was on the right track,” he said with a shrug.

“Navarone has also given me a few ideas for other weapons for unicorns. The throwing knives and the ranged weapons she possesses are… intriguing. I am confident I could use knives or bolts with magic, saving strength by using steel to kill my enemies.”

“You can,” I said. “Taya’s thrown bolts around with magic with pretty good accuracy. I’m sure if she practiced, it could easily be pinpoint. And I’m sure if Rarity ever put her mind to it, she could wield a dozen knives at once.” If she can hold a needle, she can hold a knife.

“I believe I shall begin practicing soon. For now, I ask permission to use the forge.”

“You have it,” I said with a nod. “Do you need help? I can make Smiles stay.”

“I do not. It will take me a few hours to gather ingredients, though. With your permission, I would like to go do so.”

“Go for it, as long as you don’t have to do anything illegal.”

“I will not. I shall be back as soon as I can.” Her horn lit up and she vanished.

“...So why is Luna your vassal now?” Smiles asked.

“Because Aqua made me accept Luna’s oath.”

“...So why did Aqua make you do anything?”

“Because Aqua forcefully took me over before I left.”

“She what?!”

“Are you really going to make me repeat myself?”

He immediately jumped up to hug me. “I’m so sorry, Nav. That sounds… awful.”

“It was,” I sighed, actually hugging him back. When it got old, I finally let him go. Thankfully, he stepped back without me having to threaten him. “But it’s over now.”

“So how did you get free from Aqua?”

“Help from another human construction, an old AI left to guard the bunker. Twilight’s working on drawing a teleportation symbol for it, so you’ll likely get to see the place soon.”

“What? Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Only in the bunker itself. Topside is now completely under our control. Jak will probably be needing your help.”

“Good. It’s been quiet here without everyone around. I’m used to hustle and bustle now.”

“I’m looking forward to a bit of quiet. I just don’t know when I’m going to get it.”

“So why are you back in Canterlot now?” he asked.

“I had to take care of some important business. That’s part of why Luna is still my vassal.”

His eyes stared at me strangely for several long seconds. He finally asked, “...Are you the princess now?”

“No. The clash between titans has ended with no victims that anybody will miss.”

“Well, I guess the less is said about it, the better.”

“Are you enjoying our new butler?”

His ears shot straight up and a smile immediately filled his face. “You hired him?!”

“Yes.”

“Yes! Gotta go, seeya, bye!” He galloped out the door and immediately slid on an ice patch, sending him face-first into the snow.

A part of me wanted to see what Luna was making, but considerably more of me wanted to go take a long bath before Taya got home and I had to deal with her crazy ass. Fleur and Gilda would probably also be super needy and any chance of me-time would pretty much disappear. All that in mind, I started walking back to the house, ignoring Smiles as he pulled himself off the ground.

“That is a very poor way of thinking about your lovers and daughter,” Aqua said, doing her best to not sound disapproving.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing some time to yourself.

“There is absolutely something wrong with calling your daughter crazy and calling your lovers super needy.”

Your opinion has been noted. I can’t exactly help what I think, though, so I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.

“Negative reinforcement is key,” she said. “As are alternative ways of thinking. Taya isn’t crazy, she’s eccentric and loves her mommy just a little too much. Gilda and Fleur aren’t needy, they’re just high maintenance.”

“Which… still isn’t a good thing.”

“Obviously not, but it’s marginally better than calling them needy. You can bump them down from high maintenance to overly doting later.”

You’re super needy, too. I finally got back inside, where it was much warmer. Smiles was still struggling to get in, so I left the door cracked for him. Nobody was in the sun room or the main hall, so I walked up to my room in a comfortable silence. I locked my door behind me and dropped my clothes on the way to the bathroom.

Any thoughts of potential me-time were immediately dashed. Doppel had already drawn me a steaming bubble bath and was waiting for me, disguised as a sexy human in a very skimpy maid outfit. “I wanted to welcome you home properly, my lady,” she said with a deep curtsy. “So I took the liberty of drawing you a bath!”

“Thank you. Why are you human?”

“I know you love my real body, but I also know how it feels to be around your own race. And more, I know how it feels to be away from them… So I thought I’d become one of those porn stars you showed me on the laptop!”

“Are you going to be joining me in the bath?”

“Maybe later. I have a few other things to do for your welcome home!”

“Cool, I guess. Then I’m just gonna slide on up in there.” And I did just that. When I resurfaced, she curtsied again and walked off, leaving me with a perfect view right up her skirt.

It wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for, but I knew Doppel wouldn’t waste my time. The water was nice and warm, so I finally let myself luxuriate. Not having to fill the tub myself was just icing on top.

“So how shall we pass the time?” Aqua happily asked after about a minute of silence.

“I dunno, how about quietly?”

“Would you like me to sing a soothing hymn?”

“Uh. No? Would you like to bimbo mode?”

“I would not, no.”

“Then I say we shall pass the time quietly.” She sighed and shut her whore mouth.

About maybe fifteen minutes of soaking, Doppel let herself back in, carrying a platter with a single glass on it. “I’ve brought you a drink, my lady,” she said, kneeling down to set it next to the tub. “I hope you don’t mind, but I opened that box with all the threats on it.”

“I don’t mind at all,” I said, sipping on the tasty and fairly harsh booze. “Nothing wrong with breaking out the good stuff for my biggest victory ever.”

“I assumed you’d want to celebrate. How’s it feel to be the most powerful woman in Equestria, my lady?”

“Honestly? It feels pretty fucking amazing. It would feel a lot better with that tongue somewhere warmer, though.”

“I live to serve at your whim,” she huskily replied, easily slipping out of that skimpy maid outfit.

Between the liquor, the heat, and her lovely tongue, I simply melted into the bath. It was totes amazeballs.

When I regained my corporeal form and figured out how to walk again, I finally sighed and said, “I guess I can’t just stay in here forever…”

“But isn’t it nice and cozy?” my lusty changeling maid asked from her perch in my lap.

“It is, but we only have so much time before everyone else gets here. Which is about how long, again?”

“I have no idea,” she said with a shrug.

“Not you. Aqua?”

“Oh, am I allowed to talk again? I thought I was still under threat of bimbo mode.”

“You know that’s just gonna make me put you in bimbo mode, right?” She sighed in disgust. “So, ETA?”

“Ten.”

“...Ten what?”

“Nine.”

“What?”

“Eight.”

“Aqua, you have literally no time lef—” That’s all I had time to say before my filly teleported above the tub. Gravity immediately took over and Taya fell into the water, sending soapy suds everywhere. “Super.”

“Mommy!” my psychotic little horse squealed, hugging me around Doppel.

“So yeah, we’re kinda here now,” Aqua said.

“So. Taya. It’s super nice to see you and all, but did you really have to teleport in here?”

“I wanted to hug you!”

“That was a yes or no question.”

“Then yes. I had to teleport in here to hug you!”

“You coulda walked.”

“Ew. What am I, a peasant? Now how ‘bout a tummy-rub, mommy? Or maybe an ear scritch? Oooh, or both!”

“We were actually just getting out,” I said. “You’re free to enjoy the tub, though.”

“Well how can I enjoy it if you’re not in it?”

“Try the dials,” I said, picking her up and scooching her over to one side. “Sit here. See this?” I grabbed one of dials and set it on turbo. She squeaked, but quickly sighed as the jets worked their magic. “They can do all kinds of shit. Go nuts. Just be careful.”

“What do you mean, be careful? Is there a setting on there for shred or something?”

“There are some things a mother just can’t say to her daughter. For those, you need a slutty shameless maid. Doppel?”

“If you prop yourself up at some weird angle to let the jets get you off, make sure you don’t slip and crack your skull.” I finally pulled myself out of the tub. Doppel cleared her throat. “And… maybe don’t start on turbo…”

“Definitely don’t start on turbo,” I said.

“So wait… you’re saying I can… Oh. You know, I think I will enjoy the tub, mommy!”

“Coolsies. Doppel, you wanna…?”

“Right!” My maid pulled herself out of the bath, then flashed back into a changeling. That instantly dried her off, luckily for her. “One moment, my lady!” she said, fluttering over to one of the cabinets. She pulled out a few towels and flew over to me with a grin. Her hooves wrapped all my hair into one towel, then used another to pat me dry. I tried taking one and doing it myself, but she slapped my hand away.

“So why did she get bellyrubs as a human?” Taya asked. “You didn’t give me one!”

How long were you watching, again? “I figured it was only fair,” I said with a shrug. “Least I could do after everything she did to spoil me.”

“What about everything I do to spoil you?” Taya asked.

“Nothing you do can ever spoil me as much as she can,” I said. “This is Doppel we’re talking about.”

“Ugh, whatever! But I’m cuddling with you all night!”

“We’ll see. Doppel?”

“You’re dry, my lady.”

“Then have fun in the tub, Taya. Be sure to get squeaky clean.”

“Oh, I will,” she said with a giggle. “And I’ll be thinking of cuddling with you the whole time!”

Wow, super creepy. “‘Kay.” I walked out. Doppel hastily followed, pulling the door shut. “So with the ship here, there’s a pretty sizable group of peeps out in the house. Including possibly a griffin princess.”

“Oh great, that cunt’s back.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Remind me about the time she commented on how changelings sound when we’re boiled alive.”

“...Why? You’d just get angry again. Point is, she might be here and she might be staying a few nights.”

Doppel sighed and rolled her eyes. “You’re sleeping with her, aren’t you?”

“She may not be spending every night in her room.”

“Of course. Can I convince you to go to her room instead?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Her bed is smaller. Cleaning the sheets is considerably easier.”

“I’ll see what I can do about keeping the fun in the tub.” Speaking of, we heard a very quickly muffled moan from the bathroom. “So let’s get dressed.” Just like that, I had my new outfit laid out for me. It was a frilly pink dress with ribbons and lace everywhere. “Wow. So that’s what you think I should wear while relaxing around the house?”

“While entertaining a princess? I don’t see why not.”

I didn’t either, honestly. And it had been a little while since I looked cute, so it meant I could surprise everybody for easy giggles. I dropped the towels and slid into the awful thing. “Speaking of entertaining a princess, would you be interested in taking a shot at her?”

“I… might. It’s something I will consider.”

“No hurry.” With me all dressed up and Taya presumably just waiting for us to leave so she could get weird, we finally dipped. Doppel immediately flew off to who knows where, leaving me to fend for myself.

That changed pretty quickly when a big bimbo swallowed me whole. “It’s wonderful to see you again, my lovely little lady!” Aqua sweetly said as she cuddled me. “And you look so cute!”

“I know, isn’t it great? So give me a sit-rep. What am I about to walk into?”

“A huge nest of crazy hormonal bitches.”

“Great, so just another normal day.” She finally started carrying me downstairs. “And was there any blowback from leaving the meeting the way I did?”

“Aside from Moonie accusing the others of ruining her chance of getting to speak with you, no. Although I don’t think anyone was all too happy.”

Then they shouldn’t have been shitty. I wanted to say it aloud, but we were finally where peeps might hear me. And as it so happened, I was able to hear some other peeps. When we got to the sun room, we found that it was occupied by a surprising number of people. Silver Quill was in a corner of her own, surrounded by all her nerd shit. Gilda, Brook, Blossom, and Fleur were at the other corner.

“What up, bitches?” I said with a nod. Silver didn’t even notice, so Aqua started scooting me on over to the cool kids’ table.

“Is that how you greet your high ranking guests and close friends?” Fleur asked.

“Duh, you just heard me. So how was the flight in?”

“Nerve-racking!” Gilda said. “After you stormed off, we were worried about what you might do with Celestia!”

“Why would you be worried about it? I got my way. Whorelestia is out. Purelestia is in.”

“Well, until you get your hands on her,” Brook said.

“I actually had to turn her down already. Apparently Flo and I didn’t agree on what settings to use.”

“So it is done, then?” Fleur asked.

“Oh yeah, she’s gone. We took plenty of pictures to share with everyone, too.”

“You… took pictures?” Blossom asked. “Of… what?”

“Mostly the look on her stupid face,” I said. “Man, let me tell you, it was almost worth it.”

“Why almost?” Brook asked.

“Because not even the knowledge that she’s finally dead is enough to give back everything she took from me. But at least in the end, I finally got to take just a little bit more.”

“It is relieving to know that tyrant is dead,” Gilda sighed. “And my brother is most eager to see you again, Nav. He’s quite taken by you, it seems.”

“Yeah, I had a feeling I made an impression on him.”

“You probably besotted the poor fool,” Fleur sighed, shaking her head.

“I doubt it,” Gilda said. “There’s no way he would have given me his blessing if he was in love with her.”

“His blessing for what?” I asked.

“Marriage, of course. Nav and I are to be wed!”

“...I’m sorry, what now?” Fleur asked.

“Yeah, I’m kinda confused about that one, too,” I said.

“Well, we’re to be wed as soon as you stop stalling and just say yes.”

“Step in line,” Blossom said. “Everyone and their mother is after Nav’s cooch.”

“Hey, if your mom is still kicking, give her my address,” I said. “That kinda cuteness has to be genetic.”

“And so is your kind,” she replied, looking me up and down. “That feminine little body is just perfect for you, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it gets the job done. How are those gems treating you?”

“Extremely well! No headache and I’m wide awake!”

“Awesome. We’ll probs have a steady supply of them soon.”

“A steady supply… of blood gems?” Fleur asked.

“Most of them come from Tartarus. If we capture Tartarus, we get the gems.”

“And there’s no telling what that psychopath pet of yours may do, either,” Blossom said.

“Which one? I have three or four who fit that definition.”

“Sorry, specifically the evil ex-princess bitch who had me turned into an undead abomination.”

“Then yes, there’s no telling what number of blood gems Luna might decide to go and acquire on her own. I’ll do my best to keep her reined in.”

“Perhaps a leash would do the trick,” Blossom said with a smirk. “And maybe a muzzle.”

“Maybe in your weird, pervy dreams. A pet princess is much more fun than a pet ex-princess.”

And that put all eyes on my most recent conquest. “What? I’m much more fun than that creepy horse!”

“And you’d look cuter with a leash,” I said, scritching the back of her neck.

“Oooh… I’ll happily accept a leash if it’s attached to the ring on your hand!” Fleur cringed just a little and Blossom rolled her eyes.

“Desperation is unbecoming of a princess,” Aqua said. “And many find it an unattractive quality.”

Fuckin’ burn.

“And forcefully injecting yourself into the one who saved you and all your sisters is even less attractive,” Brook replied.

“I am not the one trying to be an attractive mate,” Aqua said. “Though if I was, I’m proud to say that my lady has granted me an extremely attractive body.”

“Bimbos don’t actually do it for me,” I said with a shrug. “I prefer smaller, cuter chicks. Though there is definitely something to be said for all dat jiggle. I mostly just do it to humiliate you.”

“And I am not desperate,” Gilda said. “I’m just very certain in my decision.”

“In your decision?” I said, crossing my arms.

“Yes. Now all I must do is wait for you to make the right choice. Unfortunately, I’m impatient.”

“I’m confident that you’ll find some way to cope,” I said, tousling her feathers. Getting held by Aqua was starting to get old, so I finally had her place me in the seat next to my favorite vamphorse. “So, now that Celestia’s out of the way, what should be next on our agenda?”

“Apparently planning a war,” Fleur sarcastically replied.

“No, that’ll come next,” I said. “I actually already know the answer to that question, so I don’t know why I asked. Next on our agenda is forming an academy. I was planning on doing it at my old house near the Everfree. I was hoping to speak to Moonie about getting some help building it up, but I was bullied into leaving early. There are some preparations to make before we break ground, so I still have time to ask.”

“Skipping over that obvious bait, I’d like to ask what this academy will be teaching,” Fleur said.

“You’re fully welcome to,” I said with a nod.

Fleur paused for a few seconds before lifting a hoof to her temple and sighing and muttering something under her breath. “What will the academy be teaching?” she finally asked, dropping her hoof.

“I haven’t decided the full curriculum yet. Definitely rune-working, definitely monster hunting, and definitely several kinds of sciences. I’ll be slipping them the occasional human design with suggestions for how to possibly power it indefinitely with magic.”

“Why monster hunting?” Blossom asked.

“Because I want to try to clear the Everfree of monsters. Once the first class is done, I plan to form an order of monster hunters. There are some monstrously dangerous things out there that need to be exterminated. We need a force dedicated to doing so.”

“There is a force in the Equestrian army that exterminates monsters,” Blossom said. “But they only act defensively. They don’t actively hunt.”

“I can think of several griffins who might be interested in taking such a course,” Gilda said.

“I was hoping we could work out some kind of exchange student program,” I said. “So students can take similar classes in different academies to get some experience with other cultures. A lot of the animosity I see coming between each race usually stems from ignorance.”

“Agreed,” Fleur said with a nod. “I feel like we could use the pageant to advertise these academies.”

“I was planning on it,” Gilda said. “And nobody could possibly turn down an invitation from the great and beautiful Lady Navarone herself, all perfectly dolled up!”

“Definitely true,” Fleur said, looking me over. “That dress is just delightful, Navi!”

“Good. I had a feeling you’d all like it. Apparently Rarity and Doppel are both looking forward to frillying me up.”

“I’m also quite looking forward to it!” Aqua said with a giggle.

“Must you constantly provoke her?” Brook asked. “You know it can only end poorly!”

“I am trying to teach Nav by example. She always constantly provokes others and it rarely ends well, yet she never seems to learn her lesson. With luck, my provocations will teach her.”

“You should order her to stop provoking you,” Gilda said.

“Then I couldn’t punish her as much. If anybody has any suggestions for something worse than bimbo mode, I’m all ears.”

“BDSM mode?” Fleur said.

“You heard the mare,” I said, looking over at Aqua. She turned bright yellow as her body was covered in watery ropes. Soon enough, she was properly bound and gagged, looking all kinds of slutty. Brook actually flinched. Aqua looked my way with silent, watery eyes. “Alright, that’s a little too much. Back to bimbo mode.” She actually sighed in relief as she shifted back to her marginally less whorish look. “We’ll brainstorm options together, later.”

“Do you have any ideas for professors for your academy yet?” Blossom asked.

“A few. I don’t really know too many scholars or academics, but I do know a monster hunter or two. I’m hoping the offer of a lot of gold will bring in smart people.”

“That, and the ability to be a part of the greatest revolution of knowledge this world has ever seen,” Gilda said.

“My people call that period the Enlightenment,” I said. “When we began elevating ourselves out of superstition and started learning more about the world around us. It was also during this time that we learned that the planet revolves around the sun, not the other way around.”

“That will be a huge blow to Celestia’s power,” Blossom said. “We will need to be ready to deal with the aftershocks.”

“With luck, by that point, she’ll be expendable anyway,” I said. “Killing her would be super easy with Aqua and Flo in her head.”

“I believe I know where to begin looking for scholars,” Fleur said. “Though I imagine you mostly want inventors.”

“That would be preferable,” I said. “Most of what I want to teach is practical stuff. Metalworking, welding, shipbuilding, useful sciences... Basically, shit that we can use to kickstart an enlightenment using runic golems, airships, and magically powered inventions. And monster hunting, of course.”

“Like the golem you used at the fort?” Fleur asked.

“I’m going to be making some like that for the Tartarus war, but I’d like to make some for construction as well. I feel like one of those things could lift a fuckton of weight and work tirelessly. Imagine a construction crew that can work for months at a time without stopping. We could build considerably more railroad tracks all across the country, as well as regular roads. If we can give them pickaxes, we could literally level mountains.”

“Well, I’m sold,” Blossom said. “Why do you want more airships?”

“Trade. A regular boat can take a month or more to cross the ocean. Our airship takes about a week or two. This will allow captains to make twice as many trips. There are already some airships out there, but if I can get golems to make airships and use the nanomachines to constantly grow trees, I can very quickly make ships for basically free and then hire crews to fly them.”

“That’s ambitious!” Fleur said.

“This is Navarone we’re talking about,” Brook said. “This is just the tip of a very large iceberg.”

“Are you going to tell them about the necromancy idea?” Gilda asked.

“I wasn’t planning on it, no,” I replied.

“...What necromancy idea?” Blossom slowly asked.

Gosh darnit. “Before I realized how effective the golems were, I had an idea to use skeletons to harvest crops. As long as they’re kept under control, which is actually surprisingly easy, they’re completely harmless. That would allow one or two unicorns to farm a fairly huge amount of fields with a minimal amount of oversight and effort. They could then place the harvested crops on a teleport circle to send them to a central hub where they could be processed and distributed. Now, I feel like a few golems made of the right materials could do it instead.”

“The skeleton idea does have merit, though,” Blossom said. “An army of skeletal squirrels could gnaw the stems of every apple in a tree in seconds. Skeletal diamond dogs could use scythes to harvest grain. Some things might be harder to harvest than others, though.”

“Yeah, it was hardly a perfect solution. I’m sure we’ll figure something out eventually.”

“So what are your plans while in Canterlot?” Blossom asked.

“I need to go to Ponyville either some time tonight or tomorrow morning to talk to the peeps living in my pad. I need to let them know that they might want to start looking for somewhere else to go. Around noon or so tomorrow, I plan to be put into a coma and then have my wings and tail chopped off. After I get out of the coma, I’ll take stock and see how things are going. I’ll decide what to do from there.”

“Okay, you’ve mentioned this coma more than once,” Fleur said. “I would like to know what exactly it is and why exactly you’re doing it.”

“I’d also like to know why you’re dismembering yourself,” Blossom said.

“I’ll answer the dismembering one first. Discord came to visit while we were in the process of brainwashing Celestia. He told me that he was changing my body over time to look more like him, and if the transformation finished before I got my soul, I would become his wife for eternity. So cutting off the offending parts will be a stopgap. I’ll be doing it in Athena’s realm, so Discord should have no way to influence what happens to my body.”

“That is… utterly horrifying,” Fleur said.

“If you marry me first, he can’t marry you!” Gilda said.

“I don’t think that would stop him. Now, the coma is induced by a spell that helps you figure out who you truly are. My mind has been frayed. I don’t see any need to list what I’ve been through, but it’s enough that I need some kind of hard reset. This coma should do it. I’m not sure how I’ll feel or act after I get out of it, but whatever I guess.”

“Is it dangerous?” Fleur asked.

“Technically. If I go in alone, I could be trapped in the coma forever. If someone else goes in with me, they can pull me out.”

“Then I will go with you,” Blossom said.

“Nope, someone already called dibs. I’m going to go it alone for up to three weeks. If I don’t come out by then, someone will come and get me.”

“That will put you very close to the pageant,” Fleur said. “It’s scheduled to begin in slightly over a month.”

“Good, that means I’ll have less time to dread it.”

Blossom finally looked outside, where it was starting to get dark. “I’m going to need to head out pretty soon to get ready for work.”

I reached over and booped her on the nose. “You just want to abandon us.”

“...Boop me again.” I did so with a grin. She gasped in surprise. “I felt that!”

“Wait, what?” I reached over and palmed her cheek.

Her head actually leaned into it and she sighed. “It’s… warm!”

“I guess the blood gems let you feel another’s touch,” Fleur said.

“That means it’s time for a belly rub,” I said.

Blossom pulled away from my hand and glared at me. “Don’t even think about it!”

“Oh come on! Spoil yourself a little.”

“You really should,” Fleur said with a nod. “You won’t regret it!”

“Nav’s hands are so wonderful and she’s oh-so tender with my tummy,” Gilda sighed.

“...I’ll make you a deal,” Blossom slowly said. “If I don’t like it, you never ask again. If I do like it… Well, I guess I’ll let you do it again.”

“Deal!” I immediately replied.

Fleur snatched her up with magic and started trotting off to the living room. Gilda and I followed, leaving the two elementals with Silver. “This is really unnecessary,” Blossom said as she was carted through the air.

“I know, but this way you can’t get cold hooves,” Fleur said.

When we got to the living room, I sat on the couch. Fleur set the nervous looking vampony in my lap. “Is your body ready?” I asked, placing my rubbing hand in prime position.

“Don’t say it like that. What is wrong with you?”

“A whole host of things.”

“...Well, I am ready, so—Oh!” The instant my hand connected, her eyes opened wide. When I started rubbing, they went lidded. “Oh my…”

“Called it,” I said.

“Who could possibly resist?” Gilda asked with a smirk.

A camera flashed from in front of us, held up by Fleur’s magic. She giggled and made the camera disappear. “That’s one for the scrapbooks!”

“I really don’t think a vampire will show up in a photo,” I said.

“Just in case,” Fleur replied with a shrug.

“Where have these hands been all my unlife?” Blossom whispered, finally letting her eyes ease shut.

“Right here, waiting for consent,” I said, moving my other hand to scritch at her ears. She gasped, but let me do my thing.

“That is one content little pony,” Gilda said. “She really is cute!”

“I wish we could make her compete in the pageant,” I said. “I’d love to see her dressed up all cute again.”

“I’d be happy to be cute for you, Navi!” Blossom said. “Especially if it means more belly rubs!”

“That’s the spirit! I don’t want to keep you all night, though. I know you said you needed to leave soon.” Just like that, I pulled my hand back.

Blossom’s eyes immediately slammed wide open and she practically flew off my lap. “What did you do to me?!”

“...Rubbed your belly?”

“You… you did something! Some kind of… magic! There’s no way it could… it could ever feel like that!”

Fleur giggled and hugged Blossom. “You’ve just experienced your first belly rub, dear! It’s okay to be confused.” Gilda was already falling into my lap for her turn, so Fleur waved a hoof at us. “Just watch!” As soon as my hand hit Gilda’s belly, she started purring softly. “It’s just the way of the world.

“B-but… but I said… I said I’d be happy to be cute for her!”

“Well of course,” Fleur said. “Being cute means you’re more likely to get more belly rubs! Just look at our princess. See how adorable she looks right now?”

“...I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to understand,” I said. “You definitely enjoyed it, so I’ll be rubbing it again some day. Don’t worry, you’ll probably be craving it soon.”

“This is unbelievable!”

“How is this any more unbelievable than anything else about me?” I asked.

“It’s not,” Fleur said. “Blossom is just cranky that she looked all cuddly and satisfied in front of us.”

“We all know you’re a cutie pie,” I said. “You don’t have to show off how tough you are!”

Blossom sighed and shook her head. “Whatever. I guess I’ll be partaking in more of them later. For now, I need to head out. My shift begins soon.”

“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to join you,” Fleur said. “I want to get home before dark.”

“I wouldn’t mind at all. We definitely need to come up with ways to make Nav suffer now!”

“Why?” I asked. “I just showed you the joys of belly rubs! You should be thankful!”

“That devilry is unnatural!”

“Well, so am I,” I said. “Remember, Discord created me. You need to learn to take the good with the bad, silly.”

“And belly rubs are the ultimate good,” Fleur said. “Look at that satisfied smile on her face!”

“Well, I can’t leave without my first real hug,” Blossom said.

“That’s true,” I said, dumping the princess off my lap. She looked pretty upset about it, but that was acceptable. Blossom jumped up to hug me as soon as I stood, pressing her cold corpse against my warm body.

“It feels so… warm.”

“Good. That’s how hugs are supposed to feel. I wonder how sex would feel.”

“That is an interesting question.” She finally pulled back with a grin. “As always, seeing you was an experience.”

“Good. Let me know when you start craving the rubs.”

“I suppose I shall see you in a few weeks, Nav,” Fleur said, taking Blossom’s place against me. “It’s hard to believe you’ve been coming and going so much!”

“Yeah, it’s been inconvenient. I’ve been having fun, though, and I suppose that’s all that really matters in the end.”

“At least you’ll need to be here a while for the pageant,” Blossom said. “Maybe I can eat another blood gem and we can figure out what I can and can’t feel.”

“Sounds fun to me,” I said.

Fleur finally reluctantly pulled away. “It’s a shame… I haven’t even gotten a turn with you since you returned…”

“It just means you’ll have more time to think of something to try,” I said.

“Oh, I already have quite the list. I’m looking forward to more afternoon luncheons.”

“So am I.”

“Well, I shan’t hold up the captain. Shall we, Blossom?”

“Let’s.” Gilda and I followed them out to the main hall, where they finally left.

“So now what?” Gilda asked.

“Twilight’s on the second floor, drawing a teleport circle to the bunker. Let’s go check her progress.”

“After that, would you like to show me to my room? I can think of all kinds of ways to pass the time…”

“I can show you to your room, but after that, I need to check on Luna. I’m not sure I’ll have time for much lewdness tonight. I’m already starting to feel tired. I’ll need to actually sleep soon.”

“I’m sure we can make time. Let’s head up to see Twiggles.”

We hit the stairs and began working our way up. My little Twatlight was deep in concentration, drawing something on the floor in one of the corners. “How’s it going?” I asked.

She flinched and looked up. “Fairly well. It should be done in about twenty more minutes. I’ll need to do some work on the bunker side, but that shouldn’t take me too long. I predict having everything done in about an hour.”

“Excellent. Unfortunately, I’ll probably be asleep in about an hour. Can you relay some orders to Watcher?”

“Of course, but it would be more appropriate to ask Luna to do it.”

“Then I’ll ask Luna to do it. I need to show Gilda to her room. I plan on entering the coma sometime tomorrow around noon. Will you be available?”

“Yes. Have you decided where you want to do it?”

“Athena’s realm. It might make Celestia mad, but I’ll feel more secure against Discordant meddling.”

“Is the book still on the changeling ship?” Twilight asked.

“It is.”

“I’ll get it after I finish this circle,” she said. “And I’ll hold onto it until it’s time.”

“Cool beans. The princess will be staying here, if you ever want to rub her belly.”

“I just might. The noises she makes are so cute!”

“I feel as though I should take offense to that,” Gilda said.

“You shouldn’t,” I replied. “It’s a compliment that means fucking you is always amusing.”

“Then shall we go make some cute noises?” my pet princess asked.

“I might finger you a little, but it won’t be for long. I’ll see you tomorrow, Twiggles.”

“You’ll need to make time to finger me tomorrow, too,” she said. “I’m starting to feel a little left out!”

“I think I can make that happen. Gilda, let’s go.” And so we went. I didn’t really know which room I should give her, so I gave her the other room on the fourth floor. It looked like it had recently been made up, so I assumed that was the one Doppel wanted for her. “This is where you’ll be staying,” I said. “I’m in the big room right over there. Taya’s on the other side.”

“Why not just forgo my room entirely and stay in yours?” she asked.

“Because that would be suspicious. We probably won’t be spending every night together.”

“Tch.” I walked in all the way and closed the door behind me. She turned around with a grin. “So, is it time for my cute noises?”

“It is,” I said. “I’m going to put you across my knee and spank you.”

“Um. Wha—Untalon me this instant!” I dragged her to the bed and sat down, then forced her over my knees. She was struggling, but stopped and just squawked when I spanked her.

“How’s it feel, princess?” I asked as I fairly lightly lovetapped her pretty bottom. “How humiliating is it to be spanked like a little hatching?”

“N-nav, what are you d-doing?!”

“How’s it feel to be weak and powerless, with no guards around to save you?” I asked. “You’re all mine, little princess. How do you like it?”

I finally spanked her just a little bit harder and she actually moaned, then immediately blushed bright red. “I… I… What are you d-doing?!”

“Confirming something,” I said, finally moving the spanking hand somewhere a little more fun. “We’re definitely going to do some stuff out and about in Ponyville or something. Maybe a little remote-controlled vibrator so I can really humiliate you.”

“I… I couldn’t!”

“Yes you can,” I said. “And I have a feeling you’ll very much like it. As often as you talk about wearing a leash, I think something like this is what you really want anyway.”

She didn’t reply, but did start making more of her signature cute noises as my hands did their thing.

When I was done toying with her, I made my way down the stairs. Silver was still in her corner. Sunny and the changeling captain were sitting at another table, drinking tea.

“What would you like for dinner, my lady?” she asked.

“I wasn’t really planning on eating.”

“You need to set a good example for your filly, my lady,” she said. “If you don’t keep eating, she’ll probably stop, too.”

“She might already be in bed, for all I know. If she’s awake, we’ll both eat. If she’s already out, I’ll also head to bed.”

“Would you like me to go check on her?”

“If you want, sure. I need to head out to the forge.”

“It’s absolutely frigid out there, my lady! Are you sure you don’t need a coat?”

“My momma ain’t raise no bitch.”

“I’ll walk with her,” Sketch said, hopping up. “I’ll keep her warm.”

“Then come on,” I said, beginning to walk to the door. My personal warmth changeling followed and used magic to open the door for me. “If you can use magic, why didn’t you teleport to land?”

“I didn’t know how to teleport and the others didn’t like it when we used magic.”

“Bummer.” He projected a field of heat when we were outside and we walked on down to the forge in silence. I couldn’t hear any clanging from outside, but when I pushed the door open, I could hear gentle tapping.

“I advise you stop where you are,” Luna said from inside.

“Are you threatening your lady?” I asked.

“No! Of course you may enter!” It was good she was saying that, because I was already pushing the door shut behind me. She was working on a silver necklace with a single blood ruby in the center. “I apologize. I assumed you would be asleep.”

“I had a feeling I might need to stop you from doing something stupid, like crafting some kind of weapon or bomb.”

“You have nothing to fear.”

“So what are you making? A necklace?”

“A collar.”

“...You’re making a collar?”

“Yes.”

I sighed and crossed my arms. “And who is this collar for?”

“My lady, you have asked that I not tell you when I do things that you perceive as creepy. I believe you may find my answer creepy, so it’s best I not reply.”

“Are you making yourself a collar?” Her ears flinched. “Why are you making yourself a collar?”

“...I could see the distrust in everyone’s eyes. I could feel the tension when I stepped into a room. There is no rebuilding the trust that I have shattered. So I shall borrow the trust they feel for you. This physical sign of my subservience will be perfect to show off my loyalty to you. And when I craft the control wand, you can have me do as you will!”

“Yeah, no, you’re not doing that. This is what I meant by having to stop you from doing something stupid.”

Her eyes bored into mine for a solid fifteen seconds. She finally tilted her head. “I do not follow.”

“What happens when someone steals that wand and you have to follow whatever order they give?”

“You would allow my leash to be stolen?”

“Nobody allows anything to be stolen. That’s why it’s called stealing and not lending. Don’t be dumb, you’re better than this.”

“...Perhaps a tattoo of your heraldic symbol across my cutie mark? That is how vassals of old declared their allegiance.”

“You’re not getting a tattoo of my hand on your ass. That would send several kinds of messages that I’m not particularly interested in sending.”

“Then what would you suggest?” she asked.

“I don’t know, maybe don’t be weird for like five minutes? In what world do you think it’s appropriate that you wear a collar? What would the others think when they see it?”

“That you keep me under control.”

“That I make you wear a collar.”

“Not when I tell them that I volunteered as proof of my loyalty!”

“Yeah, which would then make me the person who allowed you to wear a collar to prove your loyalty.”

“Correct! Shall I continue, then?”

“How do you envision that as a good thing?”

“I didn’t envision it as anything,” she said with a shrug.

“Alright, let’s take a few steps back, here,” I said. She lifted a hoof and I immediately booped her, leaving my finger on her nose. “That’s a figure of speech. You are to stay within booping distance.” Her hoof lowered and I pulled the finger back. “When you do something, what do you think about before doing it?”

“How that action will best serve you and what I must do to present you with the best outcome.”

“Alright, this time, don’t give me a bullshit canned response. Walk me through the Luna problem solving process.”

“...Will you give me an example problem?”

“Sure. Let’s say you think nobody trusts you and you want to do something about it. Describe the thought process that led you to think a collar would work.”

“As you wish. I can see quite clearly that I am distrusted by everybody. I recognize that look very well. The first thing I do is consider what I want to change. I could choose to stay distrusted and feared, but that is not a desirable outcome. It is common knowledge that dogs are some of the most loyal animals in existence. It is also common for them to wear collars. You discussed it before and made it seem as though it was an option. I decided that if I could wear a collar like a dog for you, I could show off my loyalty.”

“And what did you consider as possible downsides of this?”

Her eyes bored into mine yet again. After a few more seconds, her head tilted. “Downsides?”

“When you make a plan, do you consider both possible sides? Both what might go right and what might go wrong?”

“Only when planning a battle. Why?”

“Are you telling me that you never consider the consequences of your actions unless it involves killing people?”

“No, of course not.” I sighed in relief. “Only in battles, not necessarily when killing.”

“Oh come on! Are you telling me you just go around murdering people?”

“Of course not. But why would I need to consider consequences? That’s what you’re for.”

That made it my turn to stare at her for a little while. I finally cleared my throat. “Can you repeat that?”

“Of course not. But why would I—”

“What do you mean, that’s what I’m here for?”

“You are my lady, of course.”

“Luna, if you give me another useless nonanswer, I’m going to punish you. Explain to me what you mean.”

“My previous owner told me that I never needed to worry about a thing, that she would take care of all the little details for me. All I had to do was let her know before I did anything important and it was all okay!”

So many things are suddenly making sense now. “And you never thought that was weird?”

“No. Why?”

“You’re ostensibly an adult, Luna. You seriously need to consider the consequences of any possible actions you take, especially when you have the ability to turn somebody inside out. Not thinking things through is exactly what led to everything that happened between us. Are you telling me you haven’t learned a single thing?”

“Of course I learned something,” she said. “I learned that my sister has gotten much worse at taking care of the little things. And I know my actions have consequences. That’s why I tied myself to you. Now that you own me, you will keep me from doing anything harmful!”

“I should never need to keep you from doing anything harmful.”

“Of course you should. It’s very obvious that I’m broken, my lady. That’s why you’re helping fix me!”

“I mean, I guess. Fix number one: Think about the consequences of your actions. And think about the consequences of all your actions, not just the ones you haven’t made yet. Celestia and I do not need to be your moral compass. Part of being a complete person is knowing what actions are and aren’t appropriate.”

“But if I think about the consequences, why would I need you?”

“Obviously the goal is to wean you away from needing anybody at all. You need to be able to exist as your own entity, making your own choices. I have no issue with you being my vassal, but I don’t want to have to constantly look over your shoulder to make sure you aren’t doing something retarded. How am I supposed to ever be able to trust you to carry out my will when you don’t think about the consequences of the actions you take in my name?”

That made her look away. “My sister was loath to trust me, too…”

“It’s pretty difficult to trust someone with no moral compass to act properly without direct supervision. Celestia kept you powerless and weak because she didn’t like sharing power, and the lack of stimulation or training made it impossible for you to develop properly. Hearing you finally say this has explained so much to me. And better, it gives me an idea for how to better help you. So here is your assignment: Take the night to think about the possible downsides to you wearing a collar for me.”

“...Must I? It is almost finished!”

“I’m sure you can find something to do with a pretty silver necklace aside from turning it into a degrading collar.”

She looked down at her work and sighed. After a second, her lips pursed. Finally, she grinned. “Very well. I shall make something else.”

“Does this something that you’re making have anything to do with expressing your loyalty to me in a way I’d find creepy?”

“I very much hope not. I plan to create a gift.”

“Good, that’s acceptable. Just please show it to me before you give it to the recipient.”

“As you command.”

“And when I wake up tomorrow, you better have a reason for why wearing a collar would be a bad idea.”

“...As you wish.”

“Now then. Twilight is on the second floor, drawing a teleport thing to the bunker. She should have it finished here pretty soon. When it’s done, I want you to relay some orders to Watcher.”

“Of course.”

“Have him set up a rotation of people working at the bunker. Whenever anyone is off, they can be teleported back through to Canterlot. That way, they can rest here instead of having to stay on the ships.”

“Wise. I will relay your words, my lady.”

“I plan to enter the coma tomorrow around noon. I need to visit Ponyville before doing it, so I’ll likely head that way shortly after dawn.”

“Would you like my protection?”

“In Ponyville? No. Besides, I’m taking Taya. We’ll teleport in, talk to some people, then teleport back out.”

Her wings flinched a few times. “I don’t feel comfortable with you going anywhere without guards…”

“I’m sure you’ll survive,” I said, booping her. “In case I don’t see you for very long before I do the coma thing, I have a request. I would like you to speak to Celestia.”

“As you command.”

“That isn’t a command,” I said. “It was a request. I won’t command you to. I feel like she would enjoy getting to know you again. More to the point, I feel like she can help you, possibly better than I can. But I won’t force you to make up with somebody who isn’t your sister. I won’t force you to be friends with her.”

“With luck, you will not have to. I was intending to speak to her at some point, but I was… concerned. My older sister is… gone forever. I did not think it would affect me, but in some small way… I miss her.”

“You aren’t alone,” I sighed. “I never wanted it to come to this. I’m happy she’s gone… but I miss her all the same. She’s had such a huge impact on my life, and was central to almost everything that’s happened to me while I was here. And for five thousand years, she was one of the few people you could count on.”

“It feels… strange… to mourn one who is not dead.”

“Her personality is gone forever,” I said. “I don’t know what more you’d need to call her dead. There’s a new Celestia in her place, but all that time we had together is… gone.”

“Now that is not true,” she said. “Never let yourself fall into that particular hole, my lady. The time we spent with Celestia is not gone. It will live on as memories. In a year, or five, or ten, when the pain of her passing is finally gone, they will still be there to comfort us. And with luck, we will be able to make better memories with the new Celestia.”

“True. She tried to seduce me.”

“And you told her no.”

“I did,” I said. “It felt… strange.”

“Good. Continue telling her no.” I lifted an eyebrow and she looked away. “...I think that would be most appropriate.”

“And why do you think that?” Her ears twitched. “Come on, you can think about the consequences of my actions, but not your own?”

“...You are my lady.”

“And you are you. Why do you think I shouldn’t sleep with Celestia?”

“I will not stand in your way, of course. If that is your choice, it is your choice.”

“That doesn’t answer the question, Luna. If you don’t tell me why, I’ll just assume it’s because you’re jealous.”

Her ears twitched, but her eyes met mine again. “I do not trust that the elementals created something whole. You can do better than a shadow.”

“If Flo didn’t make a complete Celestia, it’s up to us to fill in the cracks. I had lunch with Celestia earlier and she seemed stable to me. I might try to make time to see her tomorrow as well, to check on her before I go into the coma.”

She sighed and looked away. “I agreed to betray my sister, Nav. I helped deliver her unto you. A part of me feels guilt every time I think about her.”

“You had a choice to make,” I said. “You could have chosen to live in Celestia’s shadow for the rest of your life, watching thousands be slaughtered for asking simple questions, or you could do something and try to change the world. You chose to do something, to try to change the world. Doing so required that you betray your sister. You agreed to help kill her. We could never have expected at the time that we’d have this option given to us. Of the options we had in front of us, brainwashing Celestia was likely the most humane, the least disruptive, and the least violent. I feel guilty about what we did, too. But I know I would have felt even more guilt had we actually killed her.”

“That is true. There was no way this story ever had a happy ending. There were only sad and bittersweet options available. You tried to reason with her, but she betrayed you. I tried to be her sister, but she turned me into a beast. And apparently she drugged her personal student.”

“Gotta love those sleeping pills,” I said. “There was good in her. That’s the part of her I’ll miss. Thankfully, the new Celestia is only good, so hopefully I won’t miss the old version for long.”

“I will likely never stop missing her. I will do my best to not let that interfere with my relationship with the new Celestia.”

“What kind of relationship do you intend to have with her? You disowned the last Celestia and you abdicated.”

“At the moment, I have no intentions. I will speak with her. We will… establish things. With luck, we can come to terms. I’ve no desire to be a princess. I never did. My place is solely under you, my lady. You could not do without your battle mount.”

“And what do you plan to do about your reputation while you’re in Canterlot?”

“I do not plan to tarry long. Once you enter the coma and after I’ve had a chance to speak with Celestia, I will return to the bunker to help there. If we get things settled quickly enough, I intend to return to Tartarus to await further orders.”

Before we could continue, someone knocked on the forge door. “Open it,” I said.

Her horn lit up and the door pulled open, revealing Sketch and a royal guard carrying a scroll. The guard’s eyes widened when he saw Luna. “You really are here!”

“I am.”

It seemed like he was waiting for more, but she didn’t say anything. After a few seconds, I rolled my eyes. “So can we help you?”

“Right! I have a note from the pri… Well, Princess Celestia. It’s for Princess Luna.”

“I am princess no longer,” Luna replied as she floated the letter over. “I have abdicated my throne and sworn myself to the service of my lady.”

“Which is me, of course,” I said, tousling her mane. She completely ignored it as she glanced over the note. “Anything fun?”

“She wants to talk. Now, apparently.”

“Do you want to talk now?” I asked.

“No. But the longer I wait, the more concerned I will grow. With your permission?”

“Go for it.” She took a deep breath and slowly eased it out. When she was done, her horn lit up and she disappeared.

“What’s she doing in Canterlot?” the guard asked.

“Well, she lives here.”

“Um…”

“Were you not listening? She’s my vassal now. Why wouldn’t she be with her lady?”

“Uhhh… What about the whole host of utterly horrifying crimes she publicly admitted to committing against you?”

“I have two choices. I can either stay angry and bitter and seek revenge or I can let her earn her forgiveness. Given my current plans, letting her earn her forgiveness is a better option.”

“...And Princess Celestia is okay with this?”

“I dunno, probably. I didn’t think I needed Celestia’s approval to make somebody a vassal.”

“It’s her sister!”

“Who is ostensibly an adult and can make her own choices,” I said, crossing my arms. “Luna practically begged for this. I didn’t want to do it at all, but I decided to give her a chance. And so far, I only regret it just a little.”

“...Just a little?”

“Dude, she’s super weird. Anyway, I think you have places to be that aren’t here.”

“I… do, but it’s a lot warmer in here. And spending time with a beautiful lady is always a plus!” I lifted an eyebrow. “But now that I think about it, Captain Midnight did say she needed me back quickly!”

“Tell Blossom I said hi,” I said as he speed-walked out. When he was outside, he spread his wings and took off. I followed the dude out and closed the door behind me. Sketch immediately covered me in a warmth bubble.

“I have a question, my lady,” he quietly said as we walked.

“Okay.”

“...You know I was one of the two changelings in Atlantis. Do you have any idea which I was?”

“I suspect you aren’t the one who was lusting after my lady parts, but I might be wrong. I never actually learned either of your names until you came to work for me.”

“Ah. Forgive me, I was just curious.”

“You are forgiven.”

We walked in silence for another few seconds before his ears twitched a few times. “I… have another question.”

“Okay.”

“Do you even care which I was?”

That made me roll my eyes, something he thankfully couldn’t see. “Which one were you?” I honestly didn’t care, but it was obviously bothering him.

“Well… We were both lusting after your lady parts, but I was the one who wasn’t creepy about it.”

“Do you feel better now?”

“Spending some time back in the hives made me lust for changelings again, so yes. I… may have a third question.”

“What might that third question be?”

“Is Doppel single?”

“As far as I know. She feeds off lust and there’s a pretty huge house full of people willing to fill her up as much as she wants, though.”

“I’ve been there before. I couldn’t hold it against her. Though I imagine her arrangement is far more consensual.”

“I don’t know if she’s ever considered settling down with someone. That would be a conversation you’d have to have with her. Do you have any other questions rattling around in there?”

“N-no!”

“Well, let me know if you think of any more. The only excuse for ignorance is laziness, and you were sitting in one place for far too long to be lazy anymore.”

“You… You’re willing to answer more?”

“Until I get bored or annoyed, yeah.” But we were walking back into the house, now. My little filly was sitting at a table by herself. Silver Quill had dipped off. Piano music was coming from the main room. “Preferably not tonight, though. I’m going to eat and then go to bed.”

“Then I believe I’ll go find Doppel…” He wandered off to do just that while I walked over and sat next to my cute little cherry blossom.

“So I take it Sunny bullied you into eating?”

“No. She told me I needed to set a good example for you!”

“That’s the same thing she told me. I think she wanted to manipulate us.”

“Well… We do need to eat, right?”

“I guess. We’re already both here anyway and she’s presumably already cooking.”

“Will we have to get revenge later?”

“You can use your cuteness on her when she brings the food in. Also, I have a gift for you. It’s upstairs.”

“Is it a belly rub?”

“Nope.”

“An ear scritch?!”

“Nope.

“You’re not gonna give me a belly rub or ear scritches while we cuddle tonight?” she asked, her lower lip quivering.

“Obviously I’m going to do both, but that’s not the gift. I have twenty-nine cherry blossom seeds. Before we go to bed tonight, you need to start your first backup. When it’s done, plant it wherever you planted my first one.”

“I can do that. Are you making another one, too?”

“Yes. I plan to plant it here.”

“...Are you sure?” she asked. “If you ever get assassinated, this would be the first place they’d look!”

“And if I get killed in the field, I’d rather show up home than god knows where.”

“I’m not god.”

Thankfully. “So did you talk to Fluttershy about what kind of pet you want?”

“No.”

“Have you decided what kind of pet you want?”

“I have a few ideas.”

“Well, we’re going out near Ponyville tomorrow. If you want, we can try to talk to her about it then.”

“Okay. She probably needs some company anyway.”

“Probs. Maybe some of her animals ended up coming back.” I hope so. The last time I saw her at her pad almost broke my heart.

Before we could continue gossiping about the most yellow element of harmony, Sunny trotted up to the table, floating two plates along. Taya got a fairly simple salad. I got veggie stir-fry.

“What would I ever do without you, Sunny?” I asked.

“Starve,” she replied with a grin. “Do you need anything else, my ladies?”

“Taya wants a nuzzle,” I said. In reply, Taya’s magic grabbed me and forced me down so my filly could nuzzle my nose.

“I think she has it covered,” Sunny said. “If you do need anything else, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

When she was back out of the room, I looked down at Taya. “Did you tell her what to make me?”

“Yes.”

“Just checking.” I finally began digging into the dank veggies. I prefer the feeling of meat inside of me, but substitutes are occasionally fine.

When we were both finished, Taya teleported us upstairs, into my bed. “So where are the seeds?” she asked.

“In that bag on my desk,” I said. She used magic to close and lock the door, then floated over the bag of seeds. “You might need the tape, too.”

“No, my fur will keep it in. How many seeds can I take?”

“Take fifteen, but only make five for now. I want to space them out.”

“‘Kay.” While she was getting her seeds, I slid out of bed and stripped down, then fell back onto the comfy thing. Taya used magic to drag me right back to the center, next to her. Once she had the seed properly secured in her tummy, she giggled and pulled me close. “Just think, mommy! When the seed matures, nothing will ever be able to keep us apart again!”

“...What was keeping us apart before?”

“Nothing! And now nothing ever will!”

“Yep. You wanna get the light?”

“Right.” She flicked it off with magic and sighed in my warm arms. “I just can’t wait…”

“You kinda don’t have to, since we’re already there.”

“Right! So how about that belly rub, hm? Ooh, or the ear scritches!”

“Or both,” I said, flipping her over and starting. She began moaning as mommy worked her magic. Aqua, I need an opinion.

“No you don’t,” she said. “You already know the answer.”

I know what my opinion is. That’s why I want someone else’s. You’re kinda my only option at the moment. So, would it be morally bankrupt for you to erase Taya’s sexual desire for me?

“Obviously not, because her desire is morally bankrupt to begin with. Helping her remove it would be doing you both a favor.”

To be quite honest, I don’t know if I could trust Taya to come into the coma and save me as she is right now. She might very well turn me into something I don’t want to be.

“You have a choice, Nav. You can trust that your filly will do what’s best for you at the expense of her own feelings or you can let me erase those disgusting feelings of hers and be sure that she’ll do what’s best.”

And that can be done, right? I know Celestia was completely reworked and I think you were planning on doing the same to me, but can you erase something without her realizing and without actually erasing her?

“Yes, of course. She’ll know that she no longer has a crush on you, but to her, it’ll be just like falling out of lust. It’ll be just like when I changed your mind in order to make you agree to let her become a tree sister in the first place. You had no idea it happened until I told you.”

Then I guess I do have a choice to make…

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Eight

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Eight

My daughter and I woke up at the same time, as is our nature. As soon as I realized we were both up, I leaned forward and kissed her on the nose. She giggled and nuzzled me back. Shit was cash money.

When I rolled over to start trying to scootch out of bed, I saw Kat sitting in my desk chair, staring dead at me with her creepy kitty eyes. “Good morning, my ladies,” she happily said when she realized she had been seen. “Would you like me to fetch you breakfast?”

“No. You know you have your own room, right?”

“I know. That’s where I spent most of the night! I just came in here before you woke up so I could offer you breakfast.” Well, I guess you wasted your time. By the time I made it off the bed, Kat got to a dresser and started digging through it. “So what are our plans for the day, my lady?”

“I need to make sure Luna obeyed an order, visit Athena to ask permission for something, go to my house near Ponyville, and then go back to Athena’s place to have Twilight put me in a coma.”

“Twilight actually gave me Athena’s book last night,” Kat said as she handed me an outfit. It was a decent skirt and blouse combo that I easily slid into. Since it was chilly, I also grabbed some long stockings and gloves.

“So where is it?” I asked.

“I put it in one of your desk drawers.” She walked back over and quickly pulled it out. “Would you like to go now or wait until you speak to Luna?”

“Now is fine,” I said, taking it from her. “I’ll hopefully be back soon.”

“Can I go with you?” Taya asked.

“Why?”

“So Hera can give me another belly rub!”

“Then no. Your belly is mine.” I opened the book before she could reply and got sucked in. I had just a moment to look around before appearing in a comfy armchair next to Athena and Hera, who seemed to be having a staring contest. I’m not sure if it counted since Hera was looking through a veil, but her eyes were extra golden today. “Good morning, ladies,” I warmly said.

That broke the stalemate and both looked my way, seeming much happier. “Welcome back, Nav,” Athena said.

“Did you bring me any pets this time?” Hera asked.

“Athena told me I couldn’t, so no.”

“Why are you obeying her and not me?!”

“Because it is my book,” Athena said.

“It’s our book! I live here too!”

“Is now a bad time?” I asked. “I can come back later.”

“It’s the perfect time,” Athena said. “Remind her of how I graciously allowed her to live here after rescuing her from an almost eternal solitude.”

“Hey Hera, remember that time Athena—”

“No. I remember the time you found my book and brought it to Athena, and then helped me convince her to allow me to stay with her! I also remember how reluctant she seemed to help her dear friend Hera!”

“I think this might be a bad time,” I said. “I should—”

“Don’t you move a muscle!” Hera hissed, eyes flashing. I decided not to move a muscle.

“We should not involve Navarone in our squabbles,” Athena said. “That is not why she is here.”

“Who cares why she’s here?” Hera said. “She won’t even worship us!”

“Well I mean, you won’t worship me,” I said. “It’s hardly a fair bargain.”

“Why would I ever worship something Discord created?” she asked. “Ugh, you remind me more and more of Eris every time I see you!” That actually made me flinch and look away.

“...Is something the matter?” Athena asked.

“Discord came to me yesterday,” I quietly said. “And he told me he was slowly changing my body to make me look more like his, and that when it was complete, I would become his wife, Eris, for eternity. The only way to free myself is to get a soul…”

“You should kill yourself,” Hera helpfully suggested.

“He won’t let me. And there’s more. He offered to make me a man again if I gave him your book.”

Athena’s bony hands gripped the armrest of her chair so hard it sounded like they cracked. “And what did you tell him?”

“I told him no, obviously. There is no price he could pay that would ever make me give up another human, especially not two friends.”

“Wise. No prize from Discord comes without a price of its own, as I’m sure you’ve realized by now.”

“Oh yeah. And it kinda brings me to why I’m here this morning. I spoke about putting myself in a coma before and cutting off all my offending body parts so they could grow back. You offered to let me do it here.”

“I did. That offer is still on the table. Hera and I can ensure your limbs grow back with no meddling.”

“Good. I’d like to do it later today, in a few hours.”

“Plenty of time,” Hera said with a nod. “I can draw up a quick and easy circle of regeneration for you. It’ll kick your body’s healing into overdrive.”

“And I can brew up a few tinctures that we can rub on the growing areas to increase their strength,” Athena said. “I can also make a few magical bandages. We should have your body whole again within a few days.”

“What manner of mental coma is this, exactly?” Hera asked. “I know a few other things that might help, depending on what you’ll be doing.”

“It’s supposed to make you confront your inner self,” I said. “It’s for minds that have been ripped asunder by magic, curses, or elementals. With luck, I can undo all the damage that’s been done to me and restore some kind of balance in my mind.”

“Then yes, I do know another useful circle,” Hera said with a nod. “It’s a mental stimulator that increases the rate at which you think.”

“And I have another,” Athena said. “A time spell. Things within the circle will be sped up in time, essentially. One day to us will feel like a day and a half to you.”

“Wow. All of that sounds extremely useful,” I said. “Thanks, both of you.”

“Any support we can give to another human is worth it,” Athena said. “Especially one in such an awful circumstance as yours.”

“I’ll do anything to spite that owner of yours,” Hera said. “After driving us to exile within these awful tombs, he destroyed everything we strove to build!”

“So how is the world?” Athena asked me. Hera rolled her eyes and yawned.

“Things are moving for the first time in a long time,” I said.

“How so?” she asked. “I know last time you were here, you mentioned gaining control of Celestia.”

“At the summit, we voted to brainwash Celestia into being the perfect princess. It’s finally done and now she’s both mentally and physically under our control.”

Athena slowly walked forward and magically yanked me out of the chair to hug me. “Masterfully done, my friend,” she quietly said while patting my back.

Aqua finally sighed and said, “Hug her back, Nav.” I hugged Athena back. Aqua kept her fucking mouth shut about it.

“You have learned that power means controlling, not killing,” Athena continued. “To become great, you must control the most powerful things. For me, that means golems, a dungeon of pets, and a fully contained dimension built to my exact design. For you, it means a powerful pet, her huge nation, and surely enough military strength to make you the global leader in the world.”

After a few seconds, my arms fell and she let me go. I fell back into my seat silently. “I’ve been looking forward to taking advantage of all of those.”

That made Hera burst into giggles and she finally sat up. “You’re so cute, Navi! And now you’re suddenly a lot more intriguing…” She slowly got to her feet and began walking my way. The little smile on her face made me feel very uncomfortable. I tried to get up so I could back away, but her eyes suddenly flashed right through her veil and I fell back into the chair.

As she got closer to me, she spread out her arms in a very welcoming pose. Once she was right in front of me, her eyes lit up brighter and my body moved into a more comfortable position. The instant I was to her liking, she fell into my lap and wrapped herself around me.

“...This is not good,” Aqua said.

“You’re very comfortable,” I said. “Squishy in all the right places.”

“I’m glad you approve. With some work, you could be a wonderful pet chimera. Wouldn’t you like to serve me instead, Navi?”

“Honestly? Not really.” I reached around behind her and grabbed her hips, pulling her closer. “Though I wouldn’t be opposed to cuddling some more.”

“Ooooh, that sounds fun!” she giggled as one of her hands gripped the bottom of her veil. “I’ll have to remember that when you’re mine forever.”

Before she could lift the veil, Athena loudly said, “Hera!”

Hera’s hand dropped and she slid around to drape herself over my lap. “What? I promise to share her!”

“She has earned the right to free passage. You may not control her or any who have passed through the gate.”

“Even Navi’s cute little filly?!”

“Only if she consents. That is the rule, Hera. You may suggest punishments for intruders and I would be happy to discuss them with you. But you always seem to forget that this is my home.”

“I have an idea!” Hera said. “Nav can earn the right to free passage from me by fighting her way through the maze again. This time, I will be in charge. When she loses, she becomes my new slave!”

“And if I refuse?” I asked. “I really don’t want to be your enemy. I also don’t want to be your slave, no offense.”

“Well who cares what you want?” Hera asked, shifting around in my lap. “If Discord created you, you’re probably better off working for me instead anyway!”

“It is Nav’s right to refuse,” Athena replied. “She has already earned safe passage. All you seek to do is enslave her. Now stop trying to get attention and let Nav continue.”

“You never let me have anything nice!” Hera shouted.

“That is objectively false. Now get off Nav’s lap.” I actually don’t mind if she stays.

But since I knew saying that would likely be unwise, I chose to keep my mouth shut as the two goddesses had another glaring contest. When Hera got bored of it, she actually snuggled up tighter to me. “I think she’s comfy. If I ever enslave you, I think I’ll make you my cuddle partner!”

“Please don’t enslave me. But if you do, I could live with being your cuddler, as long as you wash any blood off first.”

Athena snorted. “Hera is only dangerous to those who earn her ire. As long as you never make her jealous, insult her, attack her honor, and do whatever she asks, no matter how ridiculous and demanding it might seem, she’ll be sweet as you please. But the instant you provoke her, you’ll regret it.”

“Basically,” Hera said, tracing a finger around my belly-button. She finally booped it and looked up at me, her golden eyes glowing straight through the veil. “But Navi is obedient. Aren’t you, Navi?”

“Only in the bedroom, usually,” I said. “But being a dom can be fun, too. Now, I would be willing to help either of you if I thought what you were asking for was reasonable. I think that’s fair.”

“Well, I want your daughter as my pet,” Hera said.

“No you don’t,” I said. “Trust me. She may look cute and innocent, but it’s an act. She’s a monster in the body of a filly.”

“Well, of course she’s a monster,” Hera said, giggling. “She’s a unicorn! They aren’t like us, Navi! That’s why you have to tame them.” She finally sighed and looked over to Athena. “Does she not understand this?”

“Apparently she has not realized it yet,” Athena said. “Though to be fair, it could be different in this cycle, since they were man-made.”

“Of course they’re the same!” Hera said. “Just look at the last batch! The only difference is that they could talk!”

“What am I missing here?” I asked. “Because no, I don’t understand. Are you saying the other races are actually different?”

“Of course they’re different, Nav,” Athena said. “How can you not tell it just by living among them? Each of those creatures is at least partially fae. They are monsters, through and through. I think the reason they can speak in these cycles is the dream machine Nav has spoken of. Dreams are a type of magical semi-shared consciousness. It allows a group to grow more intelligent as they subconsciously communicate.”

“That seems… complex,” I slowly said.

“It’s such a bore,” Hera said. “Get to the point!”

“Since they are part animal, they go through hormonal cycles where their behavior alters considerably. Since they are part fae, their emotions glow brightly. To them, you would be like a muted candle. Humans can hide their emotions quite easily, so it is easy for us to stay calm. Fae sway in emotions so quickly and feel them so powerfully that they are eternally unpredictable. Because of this, their abilities can vary wildly depending on their mood.”

“That… all fits exactly with what I’ve seen. I understand so much now.”

“There’s more,” Athena continued. “All fae are attracted to two things: humans and oddities. The fact that you were both has likely caused a huge number of the issues you have faced.”

“It sure fucking has!”

“Complete and utter animals,” Hera said. “Fae are the worst!”

“Not entirely true,” I said. “They absolutely have their issues, every single one of them. But I’ve seen good in every race I’ve found. That said, even the good ones can flip shit on the drop of a dime and be almost completely different people.”

“They aren’t people, Nav,” Hera said. “What about this aren’t you getting?”

“I get it. It’s just a lot more convenient to use a catch-all word to refer to them. People is shorter than half-fae, half-animals.”

“It astounds me that you never came to this conclusion,” Athena said.

“How was I supposed to know any of these creatures were ever real?” I asked. “They were all just legends when I come from. Same for the two of you.”

“What kind of legends were there about me?” Hera sweetly asked.

“Mostly horrifying ones about you taking revenge on all the women Zeus cheated on you with. I don’t really know much about mythology.”

“I have several books here about it,” Athena said. “The legends pale in comparison to our true deeds, but it’s interesting to see what was passed down and what was not.”

“...It disappoints me that legends of my husband’s infidelity spread so far,” Hera said, snuggling up closer to me. “You would be loyal to me, wouldn’t you?”

“I would be absolutely terrified of what would happen if I ever betrayed your trust, so yes. That said, I have a massive sexual appetite, so you’d have to put out a lot.”

“It was just a rhetorical question, silly,” she said. “I could not bear your children, after all.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.

“Don’t go down that rabbit hole,” Athena said. “Trust me, it won’t lead anywhere nice.”

That seemed like a decent suggestion. “So do you want me to bring anything when I come back later?” I asked. “It’s currently winter out, so there isn’t too much fresh fruit available. I could bring some jam or something.”

“Surprise us,” Athena said. “But something sweet would definitely be nice.”

“Blueberry wine would be lovely,” Hera said, starting to play with my feathery wing.

“The half-fae, half-animals of the future aren’t too strong on alcohol, unfortunately,” I said. “Your options are mead or applejack, and I don’t have much of either on hand.”

“Ugh, the future is awful.”

“Why do you wear a veil?” I asked.

“Would you like to see my face?” she sweetly asked, finally pulling away enough to look down at me.

“Only if it doesn’t somehow automatically turn me into your slave or something. But if you’re willing to just show me your face, why wear the veil at all?”

“Two reasons. First, to keep the unworthy from seeing the face of a goddess. Second, for fashion. And no, I would only enslave you if I tried.”

“But you still don’t want to show Nav your face,” Athena said. “Remember, she used to be male and she still has a male’s desires. It’s probable she would instantly fall in love.”

“Good, then I can use it against her.” Before either of us could reply, Hera’s veil disappeared, revealing an absolutely gorgeous face with bright golden eyes. “Revel in my beauty, Navi!”

“Yeah, I would definitely make you squirt all over my face,” I said with a nod. “You’re an easy ten out of ten.”

“I am not familiar with this… squirting,” Hera said. “What does it mean?”

“Man, Zeus must have been an awful lover. You know when a woman cums hard enough, a lot of fluids can shoot out?” Her pretty eyes widened and she actually blushed. “That’s called squirting. I’m really good at getting chicks to do it with my tongue and fingers.” Every word made the blush sink further and further. “There have been some cases where I made them orgasm so hard and so many times that their legs didn’t work for several minutes afterwards.” Hera actually seemed utterly speechless for once, so I looked over to Athena. “Was lesbianism not a thing back in Greece?”

“It wasn’t all too large. Men were often encouraged to take male lovers, including some several years their junior. Women were not.”

“That’s a shame. I’ve learned more about how to please a woman’s body in my own time as a woman than I ever did as a dude. I can make most cum in less than five minutes. But I guess you aren’t interested in chicks, so I’ll drop it.”

“Zeus has been my one and only partner…” Hera whispered. “He was… not attentive to my desires…”

“What an asshole.”

“You must remember, Nav has lived among the half-animals for a very long time,” Athena said. “In the absence of humans, she turned to them for her needs. Due to their nature, they were naturally drawn to her. Due to their hormones, they were naturally attracted to her. She has told me some of the stories of her time here and they are horrific.”

“Yeah, I’m hypersexual for a reason. Sorry if it bothers you. Now that I know you’re not interested, I’ll do my best to stop.”

“So what else is happening in the world?” Athena asked. Hera sighed and fell back down onto me. I felt her fingers go into my hair and start playing with it.

“I don’t remember if I told you, but the Dragon King Pyrite’s insanity was cured. Turns out it was being caused by a fire elemental. That dude is utterly enormous. His batshit crazy mother adopted me, so he’s technically my brother now.”

“I hate dragons,” Hera said. “You should do your best to kill them all.”

“Have you had any word from Arachne?” Athena asked.

“Apparently Discord visited her recently to pinch her cheeks. I don’t know any more, though. I was planning on going back and trying to speak with her eventually.”

“Let me know if you do. I will give you a few things to ensure you survive the attempt.”

“Cool. I don’t think I have any more news in which you’d be interested.”

“Hm. Well, we will need time to prepare for your coming visit,” Athena said.

“Then I’ll get out of your hair,” I said. “Assuming Hera would be fine with getting out of mine.”

“Almost done,” she said. I hadn’t realized it, but apparently her hands were moving with purpose. I hadn’t actually done anything with my hair after I woke up, so it was kinda all over the place. When she finished, it was done up. I couldn’t really tell what she did, though. “There!”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Always happy to help,” she said, pulling back so she could kiss me on the cheek. “Farewell for now, Navi!” Just like that, I appeared in front of the book. I opened it up and got kicked out into the real world.

Surprisingly enough, I ended up in bed with Luna. When I looked around, I discovered that it was definitely my room. “...So why are you in my bed?” I asked.

“I wanted to see how comfortable it was,” she replied, making no attempt to move. “Kat gave me the book and told me that you wanted to see me.”

“Did you finish your assignment?”

“Ah. Yes. I may have… cheated a little, but yes.”

“How did you cheat?” I asked.

“I asked for advice.”

“Well, what did you come up with? Why shouldn’t I allow you to wear a collar?”

“I have determined that some might construe it as a sexual thing. It is… not something that occured to me. I was unaware that some found it… enjoyable in that way.”

“Can you think of any other reasons, or is that it?”

“That is all I could think of.”

“Very well. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help with a problem, but you need to be able to apply the advice you get to other problems in the future. Did you finish your gift?”

“I did.” Her horn lit up and a beautiful emerald necklace appeared on the bed. It had three gemstones on it, two smaller ones to the side and a large one in the middle. All of them were swirling with some poor bastard’s soul. Very intricate runes were carved all over it. “For your inspection.”

“It’s pretty,” I said. “What does it do?”

“The two smaller gems are linked into a shield rune. They power a shield around the flesh of whoever is wearing it. The larger gem fuels a blink rune. It will allow the wearer to mark a location and teleport back using code words, within about fifty meters.”

“They both sound very useful. Anything else?”

“That is all,” she said.

“It’s approved. You can give it to whoever.”

“Good.” She placed a hoof on it and pushed it across the bed. “I forged you a gift, my lady.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that.” I didn’t really need to be lugging around a huge ‘steal me’ sign all day, but I did want to try it on to make her feel better. That in mind, I grabbed it and placed it around my neck. The cool metal settled heavily on me and I felt a small surge of energy coming from my chest. “That was interesting.”

“The shield is a passive effect,” she said. “If something tries to pierce your skin, it will react. Otherwise, it should stay down.”

“So what are these code words?” I asked.

“Mark and recall.”

“Nice.”

“Kat also asked me to inform you that breakfast should be ready fairly soon.”

“I thought I told her I wasn’t eating.”

“You told her that you didn’t want food brought to you. I suppose she assumed that meant you wanted to eat with the others.”

Of course she did. “Well, what are your plans for the day?” I asked.

“In the absence of other orders, I planned to return to the bunker. Watcher allowed most of his troops to return for a short break, so they likely need ponypower.”

“Go for it.” She didn’t move, though. “Unless there’s something else you needed.”

“Are you sure it is wise to have your coma in this book?”

“It’s not wise to have the coma at all. I don’t see any reason not to compound the retardation. I’ve already made arrangements with Athena and Hera. This is happening.”

“I would never think to stand in your way, of course. I just think my sister was hoping to be the one to look after you.”

“She couldn’t stop Discord from doing anything to me. I feel like Athena and Hera might stand a better chance, assuming he’d even be able to get to me. I also have other reasons.”

“...I would like to meet these two.”

“Well, I was just in there. I don’t really want to go back at the moment, so—” Her horn lit up and she grabbed the book with magic, floating it over. Before I could do anything, it opened, sucking her inside.

“Wow. Well, it’s out of my hands now.” I hopped off the bed and walked over to my desk, removing the necklace as I went. The gene-locked box was under there, so I slid it out and popped it open. When I rearranged some stuff for enough space, I set the necklace down and sealed the box back, then kicked it under the desk.

That done, I found some shoes and started walking downstairs. The sun room had the normal assortment of people. A few guards looked up at me from a couple of tables and smiled. Some of them called out their various good morning phrases and I shot mine back.

At another table, Doppel was sitting in Spike’s lap, feeding him with a weird smile on her face. That one was kinda out there, but it wasn’t too uncommon.

Jak, Watcher, and Sentinel were all sitting in one of the corners, talking conspiratorially and sending furtive glances my way. That bore looking into, but it wasn’t what really got my focus.

The table I decided to walk up to was one right next to the window, where Silver Quill was sitting alone. The entire table was covered in paperwork, but her eyes were staring straight out the window. For some reason, that just caught my attention.

I walked up to her and she didn’t look up. After a second or two of standing there, I put a hand on her shoulder. She jumped in shock. “Good morning,” I said.

“I… I… Good morning, my lady…”

I pulled out the seat next to her and sat. “How you feelin’?”

“Uhhh… Good. I’m good.” She looked back down at her notes and lifted a pen with magic. “I just um… I just need to rest my eyes sometimes, you know…”

“Right. Listen… Well, we’ll start with this. How’d your vacation go?”

Her ears flopped down. “It was… good. How about yours, my lady?”

“I had a lot of fun.”

“Fun, right! Me too.” She quietly sighed and muttered, “Me too…”

“So… What did you do on your vacation?”

“I uh… Um… You know, I don’t want you to think about my time, my lady. That wouldn’t be… proper?”

“Maybe not for a lady, but it would be for a friend.”

“I… my lady, I…”

“Silver, I can be both.” She softly sniffled.

Before she could start crying, I patted her on the arm. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

She sniffled again. “But I need to… There’s so much work left and—”

“Come on. Please.”

“As… as you wish, my lady.”

“Right now, it’s, ‘As you wish, Navarone.’” She didn’t reply, but still followed me outside. It was incredibly cold and I almost immediately regretted my decision, but her horn lit up and I suddenly felt warm. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome… Navarone.” We started walking toward the fountain. Despite the chilly air, the rainbow liquid was still going.

“So tell me about your vacation, Silver.”

“Well… I didn’t take one.”

“Uh… huh. Why not?”

“It’s just… Well… there’s so much work left! I don’t want to let you down…”

“Silver, I don’t know how much more bluntly I need to put this. You are doing an incredible job.” She stopped in her tracks. “I am very impressed. You are extremely good at what you do.”

“…Thank you, my lady.”

“But as your friend, I’m worried about you.”

“What do you mean, my lady? Everything’s just… peachy!”

“Silver, don’t lie to me. You’re really bad at it. Something’s wrong. Now, you have two choices. Choice one, you can woman up and tell me what’s wrong. Choice two, we’re going back inside and I’m hugging you and maybe rubbing your belly until you tell me.”

“That was… the weirdest threat I’ve ever been given. And I was a slave to an evil dictator for a while!”

“Thanks, I try. Now what’s it gonna be?”

“…Would you pet my mane?”

“Absolutely. I might even call you my little Silvy.”

She shuddered in horror. Or maybe repressed desire. Who am I to judge? “Fine. Fine, we’ll do it the easy way.”

“You sure?” I sweetly asked. “You look like you could use a hug, Silvy.”

“I surrender. You win.”

“Good. Now get on with it.” I continued walking to the fountain because it looked better than standing in a pit of snow. Thankfully, she followed, though she kept her eyes to the ground. When we finally got there, I cleared out a spot on the fountain’s side and sat. I immediately regretted that decision when the leftover snow melted right through my skirt and into my panties, making my pink clam nice and icy. I did my best to bear that stoically. She still wasn’t looking up at me. “Silver, what’s wrong?”

“I just… don’t know how to please you! You always seem happy with everything I do, but you never say I do anything wrong! How can I serve you better when I don’t know how to earn your approval? I just… I just wanna…”

“Just wanna… what, Silver? You can tell me anything. I want you to be happy here.”

“I just wanna earn your respect!” she finally blurted.

“Silver… You’ve had my respect ever since you escaped with me. Ever since then, I’ve seen you barreling past several obstacles I’ve encountered on my own like they were nothing. You were able to get over what happened while you were there like it was nothing, or so you made it seem. It’s taken me this long to start getting over stuff that happened years ago. You were able to face your attacker the moment you had the chance, instead of running and hiding like I did. And then, despite trying desperately to prove yourself to me, you still managed to get an incredible amount of work done. But I’m starting to see you struggle with one thing I’m still fighting against. And I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“And… what is that?”

“You spend a lot of time worrying about how others feel about you. How much time do you spend worrying about how you feel about you?”

“I… I don’t understand…”

“How do you feel about yourself, Silver? Are you happy? Or are you constantly anxious, always worrying about how others feel about you?”

“Well…”

“We’re in hard truth time now, Silver,” I said. “Come on, out with it.”

“You’re just… so good at everything! Everything you touch turns to gold! I’ve heard about what you’ve done for everybody else on the crew and I just wanna be like them too! I want you to change me, but you like me just how I am!”

“That’s not true at all,” I said, crossing my arms.

“But you just said—”

“I just said that you were a great little drone,” I said. “I just said that all of your working skills are amazing. But you as a person… You’re lacking. You’re trying to be like me because you don’t know who you are. You’re focusing on who you could be, or who you want to be, instead of who you are. There’s no magic trick, Silver. I can’t wave a wand and make you better overnight. You have to decide what better means to you, first. Once you get there, I can guide you as best I can.”

“But I… how can I know what’s right?”

“Explore. That’s what I’m doing. See what feels right. Don’t do anything stupid, of course, but try new things. See how you like different hobbies. Decide how you feel about certain things. Maybe make a few new friends or pick up a hunky boyfriend. If you want, I can hire you a cute, single stallion as an assistant.”

She blushed bright red, of course. “I… I don’t know what to say…”

“Sounds like a pretty good place to begin right there, Silver. Do you want to keep being a perfect little worker drone, or do you want to be Silver Quill?”

“You… you make it sound like that’s a choice!”

“Trying new things can be hard,” I said with a shrug. “But I know your secret, Silver.”

Her blush traveled even further down her neck. “W-what?”

“I know you’re braver than you think. I think you’re really strong, you’re just afraid to show it.”

“I… don’t understand. Again.”

I grinned and said, “Being a happy person takes guts, Silver. You gotta be incredibly brave, or you’ll falter and fall back into old habits. But I know you can do it.”

She looked away for a few long seconds before nodding. “…I get it now.”

“Get what?”

“Well… One day, I tried talking to Kat and Doppel about you. They got to talking about how you… I guess build ponies up! I couldn’t understand what they meant, then. I thought you would mold me into the perfect shape. I… I never once thought you’d want me to be who I want to be!”

God dammit, not this again. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Silver. Now, first thing’s first, you’re taking a vacation. No excuses, that’s mandatory. You’re gonna go somewhere out of town and just have fun. Don’t think about work, don’t think about me. Just think about what you want to do.

“I… I think I can do that.”

“Good. Now, shall we head back?”

“…Yeah. We should.” I hopped off the cold, wet fountain side and started walking back. She turned to follow me but didn’t take a step. “Nav, I…” I turned back to face her and realized how close we were still standing. “I… you…” I walked in closer and knelt down to hug her. She flinched back but didn’t pull away.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she hugged me back.

As soon as she did, something plowed into the snow next to us. “Release her, monster!” Cutie Dream cried. She was holding… a squirrel. Before either of us could move, she threw the squirrel at me. “Sic her!”

The poor squirrel looked just as confused as I was. He caught onto my blouse and I recoiled, but then he just stopped. After a few seconds of inaction, he shot up into my hair and seemed to huddle in fear around the back of my neck. That felt weird, but the more pressing concern at the moment was the insane pegasus before us.

Once I was away from Silver, Cutie shot a hoof out toward Silver, who thankfully jumped back. “Come with me if you want to live!” Cutie shouted, grinning victoriously.

“Bitch, I have had it up to here with your shit!” I yelled, taking a step forward and lifting one of my hands above my head to show off my point. She firmly held her stance, but turned her eyes to glare at me. “Silver Quill is a strong, independent white mare who don’t need no marefriend! So back your color clashing ass the fuck up off my lawn, you psychotic bitch!”

“You liar! She needs me! You’re just keeping her hostage ‘cause you’re evil!”

“I guess there’s not really that much going on up there in your noggin, huh?” I sarcastically asked.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“That you’re a fucking idiot! Now get the hell off my lawn before I throw you off!”

She gasped. “Are you threatening me?!”

I menacingly popped my knuckles. She squared up to me and lifted her wings, ready to attack. Before I could whoop some ass, Silver grew some balls and stepped forward. “She’s right, I am a strong, independent mare. And I don’t need her to handle you for me.”

Cutie jumped forward and grabbed one of Silver’s hooves and happily said, “Then come on, Silvy, let’s go!”

Silver just stood there for a moment before shaking her head and jerking her hoof away so she could back up next to me. “I’m not going anywhere with a moronic, psychopathic, monstrous… Ugh, stupid little pony like you!”

Cutie stood there in silence for a few long seconds before blinking. “Sorry, what? I was too busy thinking up your wedding dress design. I think it’s gonna be low cut with nothing underneath so I can get a good look at you the whole time.” Neither of us had anything to really say to that. Silver looked to me for direction and I honestly blanked and just shrugged at her. “Now come on! We have so many kisses to make up!”

“…Get off my lawn,” Silver said.

“But… I wanna take you to our lawn!”

“I’ve found my lawn,” Silver said. “This is it, and you’re not welcome here.”

“I know, that’s what I’m saying! We need to go so you can be on my lawn, where I am welcome! Then we can finally be together!”

“I don’t want to be with you!”

“Well, yeah! But you need to be with me.” This is honestly kinda sad. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for you, Silvy. That thing is just trying to keep you under it and you’re falling for its lies! Fight it, Silvy! Fight it and marry me!”

Silver Quill finally sighed and looked at me. I nodded and said, “It’s time to be mean.”

“Right!” Cutie said. “Be mean to it! Between the two of us and my secret squirrel weapon, we can take that thing down!”

“Mean it is,” Silver said with a shrug. Her eyes turned back to Cutie and she started being mean. “I hate you. You’re repulsive. You’re a beast of a mare! I wish I had never met you. You don’t have a single redeeming quality. You’re psychotic and stupid and you need to… you need to buck right off!”

Cutie stared in silence for a few seconds before looking at me for a moment. Her gaze quickly moved back to her lady love. “That’s… kinda funny there, honey,” Cutie said. “You were looking at me when you said all those hurtful things about your ex-mistress.”

“That’s because I was talking to you. You are all of those hurtful things.”

Cutie stared at her in abject shock for a few seconds before one of her eyes twitched and she grinned. “I don’t know what you mean, Silvy. You can’t think all that about me! You need me!”

“No, I don’t. I don’t need you and I don’t want you. I just want you to go away and leave me alone!”

The silence went on for several long seconds before Cutie finally erupted into tears. “How could you do this to me, Silvy?!”

“Have you been listening to a thing I said?” Silver asked. “I’ve explained how I can do this to you in pretty good detail! I don’t need you and I don’t want you!”

Cutie finally wiped her tears away and glared at her betrayer. “You know what this means, right?”

“That you finally go the buck away?” Silver asked.

“No. If I can’t have you, no one can! Squirrel, go!” The squirrel was asleep by that point and completely ignored her.

When nothing happened after several long seconds, I slowly said, “You need to leave.” She finally flapped her wings and flung herself at me, holding both of her hooves out in front of her.

Before she could get halfway to me, Aqua shot in and tackled her. She completely absorbed Cutie before morphing to her pony body and making her stop in place. The mare’s face went from angry to horrified before settling on blank. Her completely blue eyes stared at us emotionlessly for a second before the mare’s face twitched and finally grinned. “I made a new friend, my lady,” Aqua said through Cutie’s mouth. It came out distorted because of the water. Aqua finally pulled away from the mare’s face, though she kept two tendrils in her ears.

“That is so creepy,” Silver muttered, finally pressing against my side.

“I know!” Aqua said. “This mare’s mind is horrifically muddled! I can’t believe Celestia did this to her.”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“Well, she’s been working to ruin your reputation for a while,” Aqua said. “Celestia muddled this mare’s mind. The reason these houses were on the market is because they’re cursed. All the nobles know about it because they keep up with news, but no outsiders would. Normally the mare would have warned any potential buyers that the houses were haunted, but with the curse on her mind, she couldn’t. She did her best to fight against it. All of her odd behaviors were warnings as she sought to free herself from Celestia’s control.”

“...I don’t get it,” I said. “How the hell did Celestia even do that?”

“Now that I know what to look for… Ah. A mix of dark magic and voodoo. The dark magic allows someone to befuddle a mind, making someone seem like a ranting maniac. If used correctly, it can often lead to the cursed subject being placed in an asylum. The voodoo doll Celestia made allowed her to control Cutie Dream manually. If you combine them both, the doll can be placed on autopilot. To outsiders, the mare would seem to grow more and more insane. In her own mind, she was fighting a losing battle against a magical psychosis.”

I leaned back and crossed my arms. “You know what, I’m honestly glad we decided to erase Celestia. It was about fucking time. So why didn’t you tell us about this sooner?”

Cutie’s body shrugged. “There were more pressing things on my mind.”

“And you didn’t think saving someone Celestia fucked with was important?” I asked.

“This random peon?” she asked. “Not in the grand scheme of things, no. There’s so much in Celestia’s mind that I honestly didn’t even think to look further into it. But look, she’s safe now! Isn’t that what matters?”

“You’re the worst elemental ever.”

Aqua turned bright pink. “Do I not serve you well, my lady?”

“Stop being fucking creepy! I know you’re doing it on purpose!”

She gasped in horror. “I would never do that, mistress! I live to serve you and only you!”

“I hate you so much,” I sighed, shaking my head. “Now who is this mare?”

“Well, her name actually is Cutie Dream. She’s actually light yellow with a pale red mane. I… don’t think you would like to meet her.”

“Why?” I asked.

“She’s very dramatic. It would turn this into a scene as she broke down thanking us. Well… me. You were about to kill her.”

“Yeah, yeah," I said. “So, does she know that Celestia did this to her? And how much of the last few months will she remember?”

“No and all of it. All she’ll know is that her mind was distorted.”

“It should probably stay that way. Now, I’m going to go get breakfast,” I said. “I’m going to let you two deal with this.”

“What?! Why me?!” Silver demanded.

“Because I don’t wanna. Have fun.” I started walking off before they could complain. “You can release Cutie when I get inside.”

“Will do,” Aqua replied.

The instant I got inside, Kat latched onto my arm and started guiding me toward the table where Taya was now sitting. Apparently Kat had taken the time to put Taya’s hair up in cute little pigtails. “So what did Athena say?” Kat asked.

“That I was welcome to do it there, along with a bunch of other very useful information.”

“Anything you want to share?” my little filly asked.

“No.” Kat pulled a seat out next to my filly. I started to walk to her other side to pull my own chair out, but Taya used magic to pick me up and place me in the seat. “Why do you people do this to me?”

“And why do you try to ignore our kindness?” Kat asked before kissing me on the cheek. “Wait… Is that a squirrel?”

“Oh shit, I forgot. It is a squirrel. That crazy bitch threw it at me and it just fell asleep in my hair.”

Kat snatched the rodent and cracked its neck before it could try to move. “I’ll let Spider know you brought him breakfast,” she said, carrying the poor thing away.

“So what’s for our breakfast?” I asked.

“Muffins,” my daughter replied. “And then I suppose we’re going to Ponyville?”

“We’re going to our house out there. I was hoping to catch Lyra or Bon-Bon before they left for the day, but then I got forced into eating breakfast.”

“Muffins are good for you, mommy. Ooh, maybe they’ll put some hair on your chest!”

Before I could make an inappropriate comment about eating Sunny’s hairy muffin, Watcher planted himself down next to me. “It’s good to see you again, my lady,” he said.

“Yeah, I bet you like this little skirt, don’t you?”

“It certainly draws the eye. So I wanted to hear it from your own mouth: Is Celestia taken care of?”

“She is,” I said with a nod. “She is now going to rule as a perfect little princess.”

“Well. How’s it feel to be the most powerful woman in Equestria?”

“Pretty good. How goes the bunker?”

“Zecora is confident that the entire mall area is clear of spirits now. We’ve sent a few scouting parties toward areas Flo remembers as having valuables, but the paths she remembers are blocked.”

“Slow and steady,” I said. “If we have to, we can get more support from Celestia. Have the ghosts turned overly hostile?”

“Not yet, but the elementals have gone much further than we did. They told us that dark things lurk deeper within.”

“Well, my sword was capable of at least hurting them. Make sure the scouting teams carry something like it.”

“What are your plans now?” Watcher asked.

“As soon as breakfast is done, Taya and I are teleporting to Ponyville. When we’re done there, we’ll teleport back. Around noon, I’m going into the coma.”

“...I did not realize it would be so soon. Are you sure that’s what you want, Nav? We can help you get through whatever is ailing you if you just let us.”

“I’d rather get through my own problems. I’m done living like this. Also, I need time to heal after I cut all these extra limbs off.”

“Nav, I get that you don’t like them, but—”

“Discord told me that he’s changing me to look more like him and if it finishes before I get a soul, I become his wife for eternity.”

“Let me know if you need help doing it painlessly,” he said. “Turns out that a great torture tactic is completely removing someone’s limb without them even noticing, then waving it around in front of them.”

“I think I got it covered, unless you just really want to cut some things off.”

“Oh no, I love the tail,” he said. “We’re all gonna miss it.”

I chose not to ask. “Make sure some people check up on Celestia while I’m out of it,” I said. “She seemed stable when I saw her yesterday, but she’s technically a brand new consciousness. Some of her behaviors might be unpredictable.”

“That’s where Twilight is right now,” Taya said. “Apparently she wanted to be here to greet you this morning, but got a letter before you woke up. So instead she just dropped the book off with Kat.”

“Wow. I can’t believe they both chose to wake up that early. They must really hate themselves.”

“What will Luna be doing?” Watcher asked.

“If she survives, she’ll be returning to the bunker to help there.”

“If she survives what?” Watcher asked. “What did she do this time?”

“She jumped into Athena’s book without asking.”

“It should be a breeze for her,” Taya said. “Kat and I barely broke a sweat!”

“You were also both prepared for a fight. I don’t know if we ever told Luna what happens when you just jump in. I mean, I’m sure she’ll probably be fine, but she’s still taking a hell of a risk.”

Before Watcher could continue pestering me about inane bullshit, Sunny trotted up and placed a huge plate of muffins before me and my daughter. “Fresh from the oven!” she sweetly said. Taya immediately floated one over and bit into it, then gagged and spit it out. “I just said they’re fresh from the oven! That means they’re hot! Ugh, I’ll go get some milk…” Just like that, she trotted right off, muttering.

Watcher grabbed a muffin of his own. “I’ll let you enjoy breakfast with your filly, my lady,” he said.

“If you don’t get one for Sentinel, she might slap you.”

“Wise.” He grabbed another and walked back over to his table.

“So what have we learned?” I asked, looking at my filly.

“Muffins are bad for you!”

“Ooorrr… wait a minute or two before munching on something that’s literally steaming. Unless it’s phoenix, because that never stops steaming.”

“You can eat phoenix?” she asked.

“Apparently. It tasted really good, too. I’m sure these muffins will also taste really good if you’re patient enough.”

“...I dunno. I think they might be evil.”

“Sunny wouldn’t make anything evil. She’s my favorite for a reason.”

I immediately felt a very large and slightly sharp paw on each shoulder. “Your favorite, my lady?” Kat purred.

“My favorite cook, yes.” Her claws retracted. “Are you sure that’s good for your gloves?”

“I had them custom-made,” she said, sitting next to me. “For occasions when I guard you.”

“And what are you guarding me from now?” I asked.

“These evil muffins!” Taya said, glaring at them.

“I will be guarding you in Ponyville, of course,” she said.

“First I’m hearing of it,” I said. “Where did you get those orders from?”

“Princess Celestia, when I allowed her to turn me into your vassal. One of the standing orders all vassals have is to keep their nobles protected at all times. You’re doing your absolute best to make obeying difficult for some reason.”

“Well, I don’t tend to need protection,” I replied with a shrug.

“Tell me again about the assassins you ran into in Gryphus,” she said with a grin.

Taya finally grabbed one of the muffins and nommed into it. “They’re not evil anymore,” she said.

“Do you mean the assassins that I dealt with?” I asked. “The ones I didn’t need protection from?” I grabbed a muffin and bit right into it. The blueberry flavor reminded me of a time long ago. I just about lost myself in memories, but was brought back by a pitcher of milk and two full glasses settling on the table.

“There you are, my ladies,” Sunny said.

“Thank you,” I said, booping her on the nose. She accepted it with grace and dignity. “The muffins are wonderfully nostalgic.”

“Good! Let me know if you need anything else.”

“If she does, she can ask her favorite,” Kat said, putting a paw on one of my thighs.

“Okay, crazy lady,” Sunny said. She walked back off to the kitchen, no longer muttering.

“I’m not crazy,” Kat said, pulling her paw back. “I’m one of the only sane ones left!”

“No, you’re pretty fucking crazy,” I said. “Want a muffin?”

“How am I crazy?!” Kat demanded.

“Are you kidding me? Holy shit, where do I start? I guess from the beginning. You were kidnapped and enslaved at a young age and had horrible things done to you, starting your downward spiral into PTSD. Then you were kidnapped and enslaved by ritualistic murderers and made to do even more horrifying things, fucking you up even more. It built and built in you until you snapped, starting the revolution. And you can’t look at what happened during that and tell me you’re any kind of sane. After that, you joined the government and started doing what you do best again until you finally turned against them and told Bloodbeak what was up. Half the shit you’ve done since you joined the crew has pretty much terrified everybody, including me. I’ve heard some people pondering whether you might kill them in their sleep if they say the wrong thing. Then you go and tell me you want to be my slave, because at this point, that’s the only way you know how to live your life. You’ve never been free and you’re afraid of what’ll happen if you are. So you shackled yourself to someone who knows how dangerous you are in the hopes that she’ll keep you from doing anything wrong. I wanted to try to help you get better, but you seem content to wallow in the crazy. Are you sure you don’t want a muffin? They’re fucking amazing!” I started working on another one.

“...A muffin would be nice,” Kat whispered. She reached over, grabbed one, and started nibbling on it. Her eyes were just staring into space.

The milk just made them taste all the better. “This was a good choice of breakfast,” I said.

“That’s because I’m the best daughter ever,” Taya sweetly replied.

“...I’m sorry I’m so broken,” Kat said.

“It’s not your fault you’re crazy as shit,” I said with a shrug. “You’re still super cute when you aren’t being horrifying. Sometimes you’re cute even when you are being horrifying.”

“It’s okay,” Taya said. “We’re all mommy’s rejects! Being crazy just makes you one of us!”

“...These muffins are pretty good.”

“Told you,” I said, booping my catgirl on the nose. “Do you have everything you need? I plan to leave as soon as we’re done.”

“Of course, my lady!”

“Good. Go get my daggers. They were on the changeling ship.”

“They are now in your room,” Kat said. “Doppel had all of your belongings moved back down. I’ll go get them!” She almost ran away, eager to attend to her lady.

“That wasn’t very nice, mommy,” Taya said.

“I would have offered her milk, but Sunny didn’t bring enough glasses. It’s not my fault.”

“I meant the part where you called her crazy!”

“It wasn’t very nice at all,” Watcher said from across the room.

“She asked a question. I answered it.”

“As rudely as possible!” Sentinel said.

“Yeah, well, I gave you both muffins!” That put them in their place and shut them up right proper. When Taya finished off the last one, Kat still hadn’t returned. “So, you ready?” I asked my filly.

“Yep! We can go as soon as Kat gets back.”

“Or we could go now. Why do we need her to keep us safe?”

“Mommy, after what you just said to her, she’s going with us. And you’re gonna let her cuddle up against you the whole time!”

“Why not let her cuddle against you?”

“What, are you kidding? She’s crazy! Have fun with that, mommy.”

I decided to refill my glass since Kat was taking so long. It had been a while since I had just plain milk. It was pretty good.

When Kat stopped being lazy and got her shit together, I took the knives and tucked them away, then stood up. “So, we all ready?” I asked.

“Where exactly are we going?” Taya asked.

“Take us just inside the gate of our house near the Everfree,” I said. Before she could, Kat latched onto my arm. Taya giggled and finally teleported us out. It happened to be directly in front of Bon-Bon and Lyra, who were walking toward the gate. They both froze. “Sup?”

Lyra smiled and darted forward to hug me. “Hey, Navi!” She was all kinds of squishy, so I made sure to hug her back.

“Did you just teleport in?” Bon-Bon asked.

“Sure did,” Taya replied.

“What brings you all the way out here?” Lyra asked.

“I came to tell you that I had plans for the house. It’ll probably be at least a month and you’re welcome to stay throughout the process, but it might get loud.”

“...What kind of plans?” Bon-Bon asked.

“I’m going to turn it into a university,” I said. “Build it out, add several more buildings, and increase the defenses. I’ll also put in a gate in the back.”

“What kind of university?” Lyra asked, finally pulling away from my grasping arms.

“The kind that will reinvent several lost human technologies,” I said. “I’ve been hoarding my knowledge for too long. It’s time to put it to use for everyone’s benefit.”

“That sounds… dangerous,” Bon-Bon slowly said.

“Maybe. If you need help affording a new place, I’d be happy to donate some cash.”

“We knew this day was coming,” Bon-Bon said. “We’ve done plenty of saving. A month should be long enough for us to find a new home.”

“You own the Everfree now, right?” Lyra asked.

“I do. This university will be my first step toward turning it into something worth owning.”

“Could we build a house next to it?” she asked.

“If you want,” I said with a shrug.

“We don’t,” Bon-Bon immediately said. “Living here has been an experience. I might be interested in moving out here when you get the forest cleaned up, but I don’t really want to deal with all the monsters without thick walls. We can afford a nice place anywhere we want, honey. Let’s not make this complicated.”

“Staying nearby would literally be the least complicated thing ever,” Lyra said. “We wouldn’t have to change anything!”

“...We can talk about it later,” Bonny finally said. “We don’t need to trouble Nav with it.”

“I’m sure Doppel would love another changeling face in Canterlot,” I said.

“Canterlot is nice, but I would never want to live there,” Bon-Bon said.

“But what about all the parties?” Lyra asked. “You can have all kinds of fun!”

“To be fair, I don’t want to live there either,” I said. “But someone has to keep an eye on Celestia and I drew the short straw, so here we are…”

“Is there anything else we can help you with, Nav?” Bonny asked. “We were actually both on our way to work.”

“That’s all,” I said. “We’ll be back later to talk more exact times, but it’ll definitely be a bit.”

“We’ll let you know before we move,” Bon-Bon said. “That way you can get a few guards here.”

“Cool beans. Then we’ll get—” I suddenly heard something that made me look up, toward the forest. It sounded like… singing, but so beautiful that it was drawing me in. “Do you… do you hear that?” I asked, taking a step toward the treeline.

“Hear what?” Kat asked.

“I hear it too!” Taya said, her ears twitching. “It’s so pretty!”

“...Are you alright?” Lyra asked.

I blinked myself free and looked down to Taya. “You read the book about tree sisters. Didn’t you say something about hearing trees singing?”

“Yeah, but… listen!”

“To what?” Kat asked.

“It’s a tree sister thing,” I said. “Now let me listen.” After about thirty seconds, I nodded. “Taya, give yourself wings. We’re flying in.”

“What is it saying?” Kat asked.

“A tree sister is calling to the two of us,” I said. “Apparently there’s one in the forest.”

“I have no idea what’s going on right now,” Bon-Bon said.

“Taya and I are tree sisters,” I said. “That means our biology is combined with that of a tree. It gives us several abilities. One of them allows us to hear trees in large enough combinations singing. These trees in particular are inviting us to speak to their owner.”

“Are you sure it’s not a trap?” Bon-Bon asked. “That forest is kinda evil.”

“It’s not evil, it’s just defensive,” I said. “A tree sister controlling it might explain why it’s defensive.” Taya’s horn lit up and two butterfly wings appeared on her back.

“Besides, my lady need not fear a trap while I am with her,” Kat said, rubbing her head against my neck.

“But you don’t have wings,” Lyra said.

“It was good to see you two again,” I said. “We’ll need to make time to catch up properly later.”

“You lived here for almost a year,” Bonnie said. “Why are they just now calling you?”

“This probably isn’t the first time. This is just the first time I’ve heard it. Something about the bunker triggered another stage in our evolution that allowed us to hear them, apparently.”

“What bunker?” Bonnie asked.

“You know, I don’t want to keep you from work,” I said. “Taya, grab Kat and toss me.” I suddenly catapulted up into the air. When I managed to catch the air under my wings, Taya joined me with Kat held up in a bubble of magic.

“So where are we going?” Taya asked.

“I only know of one big-ass tree in the Everfree. I can’t imagine the tree sister living anywhere else.”

“Or tree brother,” Taya said. “I can’t believe we couldn’t hear this before! It’s so beautiful!”

“What does it sound like?” Kat asked.

“A perfect harmony,” I said. “An entire symphony. I’ve never heard anything like it, yet it sounds like something that’s been with me for all of time…”

“So why aren’t you carrying me?” Kat asked.

“Because my wings are utter garbage now. With luck, they’ll be less shitty after they grow back.”

“If they grow back,” Kat said.

“Well, them not growing back would certainly be a bonus, but I have a feeling I won’t get that lucky.”

“Most of us dream of having the ability to fly,” she said. “And yet you’d throw it away…”

“Yeah, well, when you get gifted wings by the fiancé from hell that you never wanted, you’re welcome to keep your set. Oh wait, he already gave you something, didn’t he? How’s that working out for you?”

“...I never realized how much I took for granted until I couldn’t touch anyone anymore,” she said. “I’m sorry I’m creepy, my lady. I’m sorry I scare you. I’m so—”

“It’s not your fault, Kat,” I said. “And I’m sorry about what I said. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“No, you should have. And you can stop pretending.”

“I am sorry for what I said.”

“You can stop now, Taya,” she said. My filly ground to a stop, which kinda also made me stop. “You can both quit pretending now. I know what this is.”

“...And what is this?” I asked.

“An execution,” Kat sighed, slumping down in her little magic bubble. “I tried to serve you well, my lady. I’m so sorry for failing you…”

“Wow. Would you seriously just let me kill you like this?”

That made her blink. “W-what?”

“Wow. Do you seriously think I would just kill you like this?”

“I… I don’t…”

“Jesus Christ, Kat. Why the fuck would I execute you after we just spoke to two witnesses? What, do you think I’m an idiot? If I was going to kill you, I would never give you a chance to even possibly fight back. I would just have Taya pinch a few neurons in your brain, which would instantly kill you. And I certainly wouldn’t do it right after speaking to two fucking witnesses. And what, you thought we’d just do it over the forest and leave your body to rot? More like leave your bones behind for the lawman to pick over, more possible evidence. No, I’d have your entire corpse utterly evaporated, leaving not even a single hair.”

“...I thought you were going to tell them that it was a trap,” she slowly said.

“You’re so adorable,” I said, reaching in to boop her on the nose. “Let’s keep going.”

“So is this… actually a tree sister?”

“Or brother,” I said with a shrug. I started moving again, so they followed.

“...I don’t know how I ever thought you could do that,” she said.

“The only thing that’s sloppy about me is my vagina, Kat,” I said. “If I kill you, it’ll be professionally done, not a last minute hit.”

“That isn’t what I meant and you know it!” she shouted. “The reason we’re all following you is because we know you would never do us like that!”

“And until thirty seconds ago, you knew you were on your way to die. I guess it’s easy for your opinion of me to change that quickly.”

“...Because I’m crazy?” she slowly asked.

“Complete nutbag.”

“A complete nutbag who has been nothing but loyal and dependable,” she said. “And you already know I always will be.”

“If you’re loyal and dependable enough to let me just fly you out to the woods and murder you, I’ll take it,” I said.

“I’m loyal and dependable enough to let you do anything,” she said. “You own me, wholly and completely, my lady.”

“Yes, I know. You’re my slave for life, remember?”

“Always and forever.”

“Good. So when we get where we’re going, let me do the talking.”

“I’m just your pretty arm candy,” she said.

God, what a fucking psycho.

“I can fix that,” Aqua said. “I can wrap up all that crazy in a neat little bag and leave you something useful in its place.”

We’re not doing that.

“What, you’ll wipe your daughter’s mind on a whim but you won’t deal with the mass murderer who raped you?”

I didn’t do anything to Taya’s mind. And you are going to stay away from Kat’s mind. You watery freaks have done enough damage to her.

“Yes, Flo did quite a number on her. Your purest little elemental was making new friends before it was popular, yet I don’t recall you ever enslaving her because of it.”

I wasn’t one of the new friends she happened to make. You know, probably.

“Well, I guess you’ll have to find out for sure in your coma, won’t you?”

The coma that you’ll be keeping your fucked up tendrils away from. Apparently that wasn’t worthy of a reply.

“There’s the tree,” Taya said.

Sure enough, there was the tree. It was looking a little run down, though. The poor thing was definitely starting to wither. “I only assume they’re here,” I said. “I also only assume they’re friendly.”

“Any assumption of yours is a safe bet,” Kat said.

We started angling down, through the branches of the other trees. When we finally got down, all I could say was, “Huh.”

“Hello again, dearest tree sister!” the creepy mushroom lady from the changeling hives said. “And you brought another this time!”

“Hello to you, dearest mushroom sister,” I said. “So I think there might have been a miscommunication. I thought we were looking for a tree sister.”

“You are,” the tree said.

“Holy shit the tree just spoke!” I said.

“It did?” Kat asked.

“Of course it spoke, silly!” the mushroom said.

“And she has no idea what’s going on,” the tree said. “I assume she has no idea what a tree sister even is.”

“You’re right, I don’t know what’s going on. I barely know what a tree sister is,” I said. “And I would really appreciate some answers.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” the tree said with what honestly sounded like a giggle.

“So let’s start with this one,” I said. “Why is a tree talking to me?”

“Because you can hear me,” it said. “And because you can help me.”

“Okay, let’s move to this one. How is a tree talking to me?”

“Is that really the question you want to ask?”

“Uh… Yeah? That’s why I asked it.”

It… sighed? I’m not really sure. “I had a feeling asking for your help would be difficult.”

“So, you gonna answer?”

“Would you believe me if I told you magic?”

“...Fuck it, why not?” I said. “It honestly wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve heard today. So you obviously had a different thing in mind for this conversation. Where did you see this going?”

“I would like to know what is happening outside of my domain.”

“It’s a big world. Be more specific.”

“Is Celestia still alive?”

“Depends on what you mean by alive,” I said. “And it also depends on what you mean by Celestia. If by alive you mean had her personality utterly wiped and replaced with something that I control, then yes. And if by Celestia you mean mind-wiped puppet, then also yes.”

“...Then she’s dead?”

“I literally just answered that, tree. It depends—”

“Can you stop being obtuse for five minutes?” it asked.

“You called me here for answers. I’m giving you answers. You said you need my help.”

“What about Reginald? Is that name at all familiar to you?”

“Last I heard, he was heading back to Iceland,” I said. “After I cured Pyrite’s insanity, Reggie wanted to go back to help him recover. I hope he chokes on his fucking freedom, after the bastard stabbed me in the back.”

“...And Nightmare Moon?” she softly asked.

“I think Twilight and the other Elements of Harmony utterly destroyed Nightmare Moon after kicking her out of Luna’s body, but I’m not really sure how it all worked. I know she’s basically been neutralized.”

“Luna’s alive?!”

“Yeah.”

“Bring her to me!”

I crossed my arms and lifted an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Several vines shot out of the soil and dragged Kat straight to the ground. “You will bring her to me immediately!”

“Taya?” Kat immediately teleported out of the vines. “So why am I bringing you my favorite vassal?” I asked.

“Your… vassal?” the tree slowly asked.

“Luna swore an oath to obey me as my vassal.”

“...I suppose time changes us all,” it said.

“So, do you want to tell me why I’m bringing Luna here?” I asked. “Or should I just start burning you down now and asking questions never?”

“...A very long time ago, Luna and I were friends,” it said.

“Luna had a lot of strange friends, it seems,” I said. “So what’s your story?”

“As a tree sister, I was not able to fight in Luna’s final war against her sister. It goes against every code we stand for. But after Celestia utterly betrayed her, I knew I could not let that wretch go unpunished. So I… did something forbidden.”

“You and Luna both, huh? So what forbidden, super fucked up thing did you do, hm?”

“I used dark magic to curse one of my seeds, then planted it in the heart of Celestia’s power, the capital of the world. Then I rotted it out from under her.”

“Okay, this time, can you try being a little more specific?”

If trees could roll their eyes, this one probably would have skipped that step and started at trying to strangle me. “I used magic to curse my seed, planted the seed so it would sprout, and then killed myself so I would grow into the cursed sapling. Over time, I was able to seep into the other trees and spread the corruption. Within a year, I brought her empire to its knees, flooding her capital with monsters the ponies thought all but eradicated. I awoke the fae of old to begin nurturing the land, slowly returning its magic over time.”

“Thank you for being a little more specific,” I said.

“Mommy’s really hard for us all to deal with,” Taya said. “Don’t take it personally.”

“So everything you said when you met me was a sham?” the mushroom said. “What about the creatures who were with you when you found me?”

“Those are called changelings,” I said. “Discord created them by morphing the alicorns of old into hunger fae.”

“You know Discord?!” the tree demanded.

“Unfortunately. Wait, you know Discord? How? He was still locked up when you were walking around.”

“I happened to be around while he was making the first changelings,” she said. “I’m older than Celestia and Luna.”

“Ah. Sorry, you look really nice for your age. I wouldn’t say you had any more than twenty rings, tops.”

If trees could blush, she would still probably be trying to strangle me. “I wish I could hate you to death,” the tree said.

So much for trying to compliment her. “You’re making me want to help you less and less,” I said.

“So who is Discord?” the mushroom asked.

“More like what is Discord,” I said. “It’s the physical manifestation of the idea of chaos brought on after one super ancient human murdered another super ancient human way back when.”

“What’s a human?” the tree asked.

“I thought you said I would be the one getting answers,” I said.

“You seem to have a lot more of those than I do,” it said.

“You said you needed help. What did you need?”

“Two things,” the tree said. “First, I want you to bring me Luna.”

“And then?”

“That will depend on her,” it said. “After that, I will either need you to burn this forest to the ground or give me one of your seeds.”

“Alright, give me the rundown of why I would be doing either of those.”

“In case you weren’t listening, this forest is cursed,” it said. “There are two ways to get rid of a corruption like this. The first is with flames. The second is with new life.”

“Right, I kinda figured. So how about this time, you make with the specifics? And please don’t make me ask for specifics in the future. I hate having to ask for those.”

“You know what, forget it,” the tree said. “I knew having to deal with you would make this unbearable.”

“Oh please, as if you know how bad I really am.”

“I can smell the sickly sweet scent of corruption all over you, my lovely little cherry blossom,” the tree said. “There’s something rotten in your core.”

“Yeah, no shit. Discord created me.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“So what does that mean?” the mushroom asked.

“Well, practical jokes were Discord’s sort of thing,” the tree said. “Now that we’ve had plenty of time to suffer from its antics, I imagine we’ll probably both cease to exist in the short amount of time it’ll take for that thing to snap its fingers.”

I, of course, made no effort to snap said fingers. “Sorry, I didn’t finish,” I said. “Discord created me… and I’m doing my best to kill him before he finishes transforming me into a monster and forcibly marries me for eternity. That dude is mad spooksville and the less I have to do with him, the better.”

“Oh, you’re the new Eris,” the tree said. “That makes you much more interesting! And it also explains why you’re so annoying.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m legit crazy at this point,” I said. “You must be really old if you know there were other Erises.”

“Legends travel long and far among the half-fae,” she said. “We remember things that most could never even imagine. Discord creates many pawns, but you are always his favorite. Your likely fate is not a pretty one, Eris.”

“Well, according to Discord, I’m the last one. If I fail to get a soul, he’ll marry me. So if any of your fae legends pertain to giving me one, I’m all ears.”

“Bring me Luna and we’ll talk,” the tree said.

“That’s fair. So, what, should I just tell her that a tree in the middle of the woods asked to speak to her?”

“Tell her that Poira requests an audience with the Herald of Darkness,” she said.

“‘Kay. So what’s your name, mushroom?”

“Oh, I forgot so long ago,” she said. “Call me Morel, if you must call me anything. And you are Eris, then?”

“Navarone, actually,” I said. “Eris is what Discord wants to turn me into, but I’m not there yet. And this is Taya.”

“‘Sup,” my filly said.

“I’m surprised you brought a mortal with you,” Morel said, looking Kat up and down. “Does she tend to your grove?”

“She’s a guard, so I guess technically. If we cleanse the curse from the forest, will all the monsters leave?”

“Not immediately,” Poira said. “It will take time for the dark magics to seep out and for the good magics to start resurging.”

“Would it bother you if the monsters were killed?” I asked.

“With Celestia defeated and Luna free, there is no more reason for me to keep up this dark act,” she said. “I would be happy to release the enchantments on the monsters and allow them to be killed. That will speed up the cleansing of the forest.”

“What if Taya and I planted some of our own seeds here?” I asked.

“Then instead of an evil-aligned magical forest, it would be a good-aligned magical forest,” she said. “The monsters that appeared would be docile and mostly harmless.”

“Well, new sidequest activated,” I said. “Gotta clear out sectors of the forest and plant magical seeds. This’ll be fun.”

“Depending, of course, on what Luna has to say,” Poira said. “I might just ask you to burn it all instead.”

Yeah, we’re not doing that. Of course, she didn’t need to know that. If that’s what she asked for, we’d just burn her tree down and keep the rest intact. “I’m not sure how long it’ll take Luna to get out here,” I said. “And I’m not sure I’ll be with her. Taya can get you a seed pretty soon, but I’m going to be unavailable for a while.”

“Again, I am going nowhere,” Poira replied. “I still have quite some time before I completely wither away.”

“And I believe I’ll be staying here for some time, too,” Morel said. “This grove is so fascinating! I haven’t seen one this powerful in so long…”

“I wouldn’t mind talking more about being a tree sister, either,” I said. “As you guessed, I don’t know much about it at all. Celestia did it to me without permission, so I had no clue what to expect.”

“That utter monster,” Poira said. “This is no fate that should be forced on any. It is something that should only ever be chosen.”

“Yeah, she was a cunt canoe. Anyway, I’ll go see what I can do to find Luna. With luck, it shouldn’t be long. Will she be able to hear you?”

“With magic, yes,” Poira said. “Or failing that, Morel can translate if you are unavailable.”

“Cool beans. Taya, would you mind taking us home?” Her horn lit up and we teleported back into my room.

My filly groaned and lifted a hoof to her head. “I think I’m gonna need a short break, mommy.”

“Feel free,” I said. “I have no intention of leaving the house again.” She limped off back to her room, trying to seem more miserable than she really was. The book had moved from the bed to the desk, so I assumed Luna was out of it.

“So now what?” Kat asked. “Would you like me to service you, my lady?”

“Nah. I’m gonna head downstairs and see if Luna is here. If she is, I’d like to get her sent out to the forest.”

“Wouldn’t you rather let me go check to see if she’s here, then tell her to meet you if so?”

“Yes, actually. I’ll be here.” It’ll certainly mean fewer people will want to bother me, at least.

“As you command,” she replied, placing a paw against her chest. With that, she wandered off. I walked over to my desk and opened up the laptop. Its battery was low, so I pulled out the solar charger and let it start soaking up some rays.

Luna didn’t waste much time teleporting back up and immediately falling into a bow. “My lady.”

“So did you have a chance to speak to Athena and Hera?”

“No. They removed me as soon as I finished their small dungeon and advised me to return after your coma had begun, as they had preparations to make. I tried to go in two more times after that, but it was made clear to me that trying a third time would be unwise.”

Coulda seen that one coming. “Does the name Poira mean anything to you?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about her.”

“I had few friends of old, fewer still that lasted through the ages. Poira was the tree sister I mentioned before, a very old friend of mine that I have not seen since… before I fell. Why do you ask of her?”

“Because I was speaking to her five minutes ago and she asked to talk to you.”

“I see. Where may I find her?”

“The Everfree. She’s no longer a tree sister and is instead just a tree. She also has a visiting mushroom sister named Morel.”

“I am thankful you relayed this message, my lady,” she said with a grin. “I have found myself missing Poira. It is a shame she is rooted to one place, but being able to visit will be nice. Where in the Everfree is she?”

“She’s the biggest tree out there, the one that rises above all the others. If you’d like, Kat would probably be able to help you find it. Taya’s feeling some magical burnout, so she wouldn’t be up to it.”

“It should not be difficult to find. I also know a spell that helps with detecting magic, so I have alternate means of finding her. I have quite a few questions for her.”

“So did I. Apparently the reason the Everfree is so fucked up is because she used dark magic to curse one of her magical seeds, then grew into it and corrupted Celestia’s capital out from under her.”

“That’s… an interesting tactic. Did she say why?”

“Revenge for what Celestia did to you.”

“I see. I never expected her to do such a thing for me. I will be sure to thank her. Do you need anything else from me, my lady?”

“Poira asked two things of me. The first was to deliver that message. She told me the second thing would be dependent on what you told her, but that the two options were to burn her grove down or to give her a magical seed to help cure the corruption. I’d like you to try to convince her to take a magical seed.”

“I will,” she replied with a nod. “I would not want to lose my friend after just finding her.”

“Good. Go see her. If she asks you to do anything for her, you’re free to take as much time as you need to help her. I doubt you’ll be needed too much at the bunker unless they run into something horrific.”

“Thank you, my lady. When exactly do you plan to enter this coma?”

“Shortly after that dayglass empties,” I said, pointing at it. The sand was about three-fourths of the way down. “That’ll be when my magical seed matures.”

“Would you like your favorite vassal to plant it somewhere secure?” she asked.

“Not this one. I’m going to plant it myself.”

“Ah. Farewell for now, my lady.”

“See you when I see you,” I said with a nod. She blinked right outside the glass doors, then took off flying toward Ponyville.

As tempting as it was to just dick around on the laptop for a few hours, I knew reading the tree sister book would be more useful. Thankfully, Taya had placed it on one of the bookshelves in my room.

When I sat back down at the desk to read it, Aqua shot out of my nose and down to the book. She sank into the pages before scooting right back inside of me. “This might be somewhat confusing for a moment,” she said.

“Will it be faster than reading it myself?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Go for it.” She closed my eyes and showed me the entire book, one word at a time, so quickly that I could barely keep up. As the words progressed, I realized that they were being burned into my memory. At that rate, I finished the book in about two minutes and it felt like I could recite the entire thing word for word. “Wow.”

“After about an hour or two, you’ll begin forgetting the exact wording. You’ll still remember all the events, though.”

“I’m still trying to process it now,” I said. “Even though it’s all in my head, so far I only really understand the first half.”

“Close your eyes and relax,” she said. “The rest will come soon.”

I did just that. Sure enough, the rest came quickly enough. “Well. I guess Taya didn’t technically lie to me.”

“That’s still a very huge omission, though,” Aqua said. “How’s it feel to know that your final fate might be to live forever as a tree?”

“Honestly? Not that fucking great. That said, I’ll have a very long time to decide what I want to do. I’m sure once I get a soul, I can find some way to commit suicide in such a way that I don’t end up in a tree forever. That said, Poira is still able to talk to those around her, so it might not be too terrible. I’m more curious about why Taya didn’t think this was worth mentioning.”

“Because she knew you’d tell her no, obviously.”

“I would have told her no anyway. You were the one who told her yes.”

“Technically—”

“You’re gonna wanna stop talking now.” She stopped talking then.

Some of what was in the book confirmed what I already knew. Basically, any limbs that got chopped off would grow back treelike. It was still possible to get pregnant, but only by a tree brother. Once your evolution into a tree being got far enough that your eyes turned bright green, you could begin hearing trees singing and start seeing more powerful fae.

Some of the information was new. When you got old enough, which seemed to depend on which tree you were combined with, leaving your grove got harder. At some point, you would become unable to leave your grove for extended period of time. After a few more deaths, you couldn’t leave the grove at all. Finally, you would be unable to leave your tree. Your grove would grow around you and you’d be able to magically influence it.

At that point, I understood more about what Poira did. I also finally realized why the monsters usually only reacted to those who went into the forest with violence in their mind. She couldn’t completely control them, but she could influence them. She also had eyes all over the forest and could easily send creatures of all types wherever she wanted. Which meant that eventually, I could probably do the same.

Thankfully, knowing my eventual fate allowed me to start planning for it in advance. If there was eventually a time where I got stuck in a tree, I’d want to make sure it was in a huge forest of some kind so I’d have as much influence as possible. At least that way, I’d be able to have some fun in the pseudo-afterlife. It still sounded kinda shitty, but it was better than going to hell or being married to Discord.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Nine

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Nine

Before I could ruminate on it further, someone knocked at my door. It ended up being pointless, because Doppel just immediately let herself in anyway. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said.

“‘Sup?”

“You have… visitors.”

“What kind of visitors?” I slowly asked.

“The sketchy kind. There were several others with Aurora in Atlantis. This is the rest of them. They said they want to see you and won’t leave until they do.”

Great. “Who all is here?”

“Watcher left a single squad behind. Gilda and Spike are here somewhere, I think. Taya is in her room. Spider is back in his tree. Silver Quill hasn’t left just yet. Brook and Aqua are downstairs.”

“Bring me Gilda and Spike. Take the back way. I don’t want the pirates to see them yet.”

“As you wish.” She curtsied and walked out the back door.

After a second of thought, I pulled all my weapons off of me. I wouldn’t be needing them and even carrying them would be a sign of fear. Besides, I was confident that Aqua could use my body to wreck all of them if it came to that.

My feathery and scaly friends didn’t take too long to walk in through the back door. “Gilda, Spike, I need your help with something.”

“What’s that?” he asked, right as she opened her beak to tell me to fuck off.

“Come look really scary for me.”

“Who we scarin’?” Gilda asked.

“A bunch of mentally scarred ex-pirates.”

“Hey, you finally found my kinda crowd,” she said. “I’m down.”

“Why are we doing this?” Spike asked.

“Because they’re ex-pirates who are demanding to see me. I don’t want them getting any ideas.”

“Let’s do it,” he immediately said. “But only if I get to slap your ass.”

“Me too!” Gilda quickly added.

I rolled my eyes, spun around, and pulled my skirt up and panties down. Spike somehow beat Gilda to the punch and slapped me right on the cheek. I moaned because I knew it would make him uncomfortable. Sure enough, he blushed and looked away.

“Ha, I knew you liked it!” Gilda said. “Then here you go, slut!” she slapped the other cheek, then groped it a little before pulling away. “Now I’m pumped! Let’s go fuck up some pirate scum!” I finally put my clothes back in place and turned to them again.

“We’re just scaring them though, right?” Spike asked.

“For now,” I said. “But if they push me, they’re going out the door one way or another.”

“Fair enough. Let’s go.” I nodded and stepped out into the hall. Before I could start walking, Gilda held me back and let Spike go ahead. Then she pushed me forward and followed me out. Spike looked over the balcony and just snorted steam. Gilda jumped through that steam and landed on the floor right in front of the pirate standing in front. He wasn’t expecting that and jumped back. The other pirates started surging forward, right until Spike landed next to her with a heavy crunch. He just crossed his arms and stared at them, his spikey tail wagging behind him.

While they were having a stare down, I began slowly walking down the stairs. I made it obvious that I was in no hurry at all. By the time I finally got to the bottom, the pirates had backed down. When they saw that I had a dragon and griffin working for me, they realized that maybe they couldn’t just push me around.

Once I slowly ground to a stop right in between Spike and Gilda, I quietly said, “And how may I help you gentlemen?”

It took their doggy leader a few seconds to step forward. He eyed Spike for a second before saying, “We have a… proposition for ya.”

“Oh? And what might that proposition be?”

“Well, me and the boys were all sailors back in the day. Ya know, before…”

“Sailors… or pirates?”

“Well, a pirate’s really just a kind of sailor, right?” he asked. Gilda snorted and he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s been years for mosta us, lass. Years for us to grow old, grow out of practice. That livin’s dangerous. Besides, mosta us only fell into it ‘cause we was poor!”

“I see. So, what exactly is this proposition of yours?”

“Well, the horse princess didn’t do anything with all of us after she brought us here. Made us come all the way to Canterlot to talk, then just kicked us out the front gate with nothin’ but the clothes on our backs. That little sissy griffin told us you helped him out, so we was wonderin’ if you might help us out, too.”

“You don’t say? You see, that griffin friend of yours is earning his keep by working here. Now, how exactly would you help me? I’m going somewhere very dangerous soon, and could use all the fighters I can get, but you say you aren’t interested in fighting anymore.”

“Now, we didn’t say that,” he replied. “It’s just, we’re out of practice and none of us are interested in being pirates anymore. So we was thinkin’ we might be sailors for you.”

“You want to be sailors?” I slowly asked, craning my gaze across the whole crew slowly, looking most of them in their eyes. Finally, I looked back at their leader.

“If you’d have us.”

“The only boats I have are airships. I could use crew for one of them, though.”

“Now you see, we had a thought about that,” he said with a big grin. “Like I said, mosta us are ex-pirate. We know all kinds-a pirate strongholds. I guarantee you we’ll blend right in. Once we stake out a good ship, we’ll steal it for you, then sail it however you want us to.”

“Or, instead of doing that, you go to the pirate stronghold and then disappear with whatever gear I outfit you with, along with all the gold I give you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“W-wha… No, that ain’t…” He sighed and drug a paw down his face. “Alright, look, lassie… That was our plan comin’ in. We hatched it on your buggy airship after hearin’ them go on about ya. The moment we got to your house, we was plannin’ on stabbing ya in the back just as soon as we could. But ya weren’t here, so we couldn’t talk to ya. But as we was sittin’ here waiting on ya, that cute little changeling maid of yours came out here to talk to us. The way everyone’s spoke about ya… It ain’t like nothin’ any-a us have ever seen. My momma had a word for people like you. You’re one-a the golden ones, la—er, miss. Seein’ you here in front-a us like this, like a dangerous, exotic, scary bitch, just made up my mind.” That kinda felt like an insult for a second before I realized he wasn’t actually calling me a bitch. “We wanna see where you go. Way I figure, we’re all gonna drift back to sailin’ anyway. It’s all we got, after all. We’ve all been with each other for so long that we can work together well. Will you take a chance on a group of old sailors who just wanna do something good in their lives?”

“Pretty good sob story. I rate it… Oh, about an eight or so outta ten.”

“Really brought a tear to my eye,” Spike added. “I’d say nine.”

“Coulda used more orphans,” Gilda said. “Six, but only because he called you a bitch.” Spike snickered.

“Alright, look,” I said, finally dropping my arms. “I’m gonna tell my ship to fly you to whatever friendly port on this continent you want. Once you get off my ship, you will each be given one hundred bits. If you come back to me with a boat, we’ll talk about you sailing for me. You know where I live and I’ll probably be here for a while. If you really want to be useful, put it somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Pacific. And if you don’t come back, I’m so rich that it literally does not matter. Does that satisfy you?”

“…Aye, little la… Ahem, my lady.”

My arms grasped themselves behind my back and I stood at ease. “You sound like you were strangling. Little lassie is fine. I am by no means formal, nor do I expect it from an ex-pirate. I am, as you said, a very untraditional leader. So, bring me a boat if you want to work. This will be your one and only favor. If you don’t want to work with me, take it and go and never contact me again. If you want to earn your keep, come back. I don’t know what Doppel told you, but the last bonus I gave my crew was over four thousand bits. Each.” A few of them whistled. “You will be well-compensated if you work with me, but you will be working.”

“…I think I can learn to call you my lady without soundin’ strangled,” he slowly said with a grin. That let me see how disgusting his teeth were.

“Please don’t,” I said. “I’m absolutely fine with being called little lassie.”

“I don’t know if I am,” he said. “You may be small, but ain’t nothin’ ‘bout you little, my lady. We gonna call you lady because we want to, not because you want us to.”

Spike and Gilda both snickered at me. I slapped Gilda, because it was her turn to get hit for once. That just made Spike laugh even more, until she punched him.

“God dammit. Fuckin’ whatever. Look, here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna send a guard squad with you to Ponyville on the changeling ship. You’re gonna go to a dentist, free of charge, because Equestria is a communist paradise.” Minus the horrific mental trauma they’ll have when they’re done. “When you’re all done, the airship is gonna fly you wherever you want to go. When you get where you’re going, you’ll be given one hundred bits and you’ll be sent on your way.”

“There’s a wee little problem with that, Lady,” the dog said. “A group-a run down, scarred up nobodies appearin’ in any port town with a fortune on us would make the guards look pretty hard at us.”

“Then I suggest you buy new clothes first.”

“Give them a receipt,” Spike said.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re a noble, Nav. Write a receipt for each one of them, then sign it with your seal.”

“I can do that?”

“Have you not been doing that?” he asked, dropping his arms in shock. “Nav, that’s bad!”

“Is now really the time for this?” Gilda asked.

“Yes! You have to keep track of your money, Nav!”

“Why? I have so much that I don’t care.”

“You don’t, but Celestia probably does. You’re a noble now. You can’t just not pay taxes anymore.”

“…I assumed Silver Quill was keeping track.”

He sighed in disgust and dragged one of his claws down his face. “How is she supposed to keep track if you don’t tell her? Or give her receipts?”

“Because she’s the fucking boss,” I said. “Real talk. That chick has all that shit figured out, guaranteed.”

“I’ll be sure to ask,” he sighed, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Anyway, apparently I’ll write you a receipt,” I said. “With that in paw, you should be good to go. I suggest clothes, a good meal, weapons, armor, and then provisions. Or if you want to just go your own ways, I suggest immediately finding a tavern and blowing it on swill. I guarantee you’ll make some good temporary friends that way.”

“Oh, we’ll get everything we need to steal a ship,” he said with a dark grin. “You look after us by sending us to doctors, I promise you, Lady: We gonna getcha the best pirate ship out there!” His unpleasant growl at the end almost made me shiver. Seeing his teeth again didn’t help. “You won’t regret this, Lady.”

I kinda already do, actually. “We shall see. Spike, you mind riding with them to Ponyville to show them where Colgate is? You’re free to come back after that.”

“I don’t mind,” he said. “I’ve been meaning to visit anyway.”

“I’ll ride along,” Gilda said. “I wouldn’t mind seeing Dash again and bragging about fighting through to the bunker. She’s gonna be so jealous!”

“I haven’t seen any of the ship changelings today,” I said. “I assume they just haven’t left their ship for some reason.”

“We’ll find them if not,” Spike said. “After they get their teeth cleaned, they can come back here and collect the money. It’ll take a while to get it all together, after all.”

“With all my vassals gone, yeah,” I said. “How many of you are there?” Counting them really wasn’t worth my time, so I hadn’t bothered.

“Fourteen,” their apparent leader said. “My name is Ollie.”

“And I am Lady Navarone,” I said. “My pet dragon is Spike. His sex toy griffin is Gilda.”

“Better not tell any purifiers,” Ollie said. “They’d rake him over the coals!”

“Their order was eradicated a few months ago,” I said. “Pyrite rules uncontested now.”

“Oooh, maybe that means we can find some hot dragon babes!”

“Have fun with that,” I said. “I’m going to go see what I can do about obtaining that kind of money.” I walked out into the sun room before they could continue being annoying.

Silver Quill was sitting with Brook and Aqua. As soon as I got to her table, she handed me a piece of paper. “This is a check for fourteen hundred bits,” she said. “The bank will give them a receipt. With this kind of money, they could buy three or four ships without having to waste time stealing one from pirates of all things.”

“That’s actually a really good point.” I grabbed the check and walked back to the main hall, where Gilda was keeping watch over a group of fairly nervous ex-pirates. “Alright, I have a check right here for fourteen hundred bits. I also have two alternate proposals, both of which are considerably less retarded than trying to steal a pirate ship.”

“...We’re listening,” Ollie said.

“Proposal one: Use this money to buy a ship and use the rest of the money to fill it with your first set of goods. That way, you don’t have to risk your lives dealing with some crazy motherfuckers.”

“That… actually is a better idea,” he said.

“Proposal two: Work on one of my airships instead. I just got a third airship that has no intelligent crew yet. It’s in desperate need of experienced crew. It won’t be trading or sailing, but it’ll be doing something extremely important for me and the pay will still be pretty good. Plus, you’ll have free room and board on the ship itself. There will be basically no chance of ever seeing combat and you’ll be a part of one of the largest construction projects in the history of Equestria.”

“...What is this project?” Ollie asked.

“Harvesting resources and using them to craft magical equipment to radically supercharge the Equestrian military. You would be helping keep the ship running day-to-day.”

The guy looked back to his peeps. “So, who wants to try to steal a pirate boat?” Nobody made a move. “Alright… Who wants to buy a boat?” His paw and three others went up. “Come on, really?”

“To be honest, I’m kinda done with the ocean,” one of the few ponies in the crowd said. “We were all lucky to survive when we did. I don’t think anypony has enough luck to survive a second shipwreck. And even if we do and end up back in Atlantis, is that really a fate that’s worth it?”

The only cat in the group nodded. “I was willing to go back to the ocean if it meant staying with the group, but I’d much rather avoid it if the option is there. An airship would be a nice change of pace!”

“So let’s make it official,” I said. “Who wants to work on an airship?”

The rest of them raised appendages, giving the airship the clear majority. I held the check up to Ollie. “Go to Ponyville and get your teeth fixed. Come back to Canterlot and go to a bank. Split the money up amongst yourselves and get some new clothes, a good meal or two, and whatever else you might want. Don’t cause any trouble, don’t break any laws. When you’re all ready, come back here and you’ll be taken to the new airship.”

He took it with a bow. “Thank you so much, my lady. We ain’t gonna let you down, I swear it!”

“Good.”

Since my life is basically a video game, Spike picked the perfect time to walk back in from one of the airship towers. “The changelings are ready.”

“You’re free to go,” I said with a nod. “Have fun with Colgate. She’s quite the character.”

“That’s for sure,” Spike muttered.

“Come on, then,” Gilda said. “Get a move on!” The pirates started ambling over to the tower. Gilda and Spike waited until they were all in before following.

I guess that’s that. Now I have some crew for my biggest airship.

“I’m looking forward to seeing what they say when they see the ship,” Aqua said. “And better yet, when they see what else is working on that ship.”

They’ll live. I walked back into the sun room and over to Silver’s table. “So how did the whole Cutie Dream thing go?”

“Well, she apologized for being utterly insane,” Silver said. “But then kinda ruined it by asking me out again. Thankfully, she actually took no for an answer this time. She also apologized for selling us a haunted house and was really intrigued when I told her that Zecora was going to expel the spirits.”

“What is she going to do now?” I asked.

“Try to win back any clients she lost while she was losing her mind,” Aqua said. “I suppose her life will continue as usual.”

“Good, so we’ll hopefully never have to deal with her again. When are you leaving for your vacation?”

“Tomorrow morning,” Silver said. “I needed to finish a few important loose ends and I wanted to spend some time thinking about where to go. I plan to leave right after breakfast.”

“Cool beans. I’m heading back upstairs. If any more people come to bother me, let me know.”

“As you command, my lovely little lady,” Aqua said.

“Brook, would you slap her?”

“Sorry, but I’d rather not,” Brook said.

“Fine. Aqua, slap yourself.” She sighed and slapped herself upside the face. My work there was done, so I walked back upstairs. I didn’t realize it until I got back to my room, but apparently my slave followed me. “Why are you here?” I asked when she closed the door for me.

“To keep you company,” she sweetly said. “And to keep you safe!”

“Whatever.” I walked over to the laptop and popped it open.

“You know, if you let me absorb everything in the laptop, I could project anything on it straight in your mind. I could stream shows or movies directly to your brain!”

“Neat.” Of course, I didn’t trust her with all that information, so it was a moot point. The revelation made her turn dark blue and scuttle out of sight. Unfortunately, out of sight meant behind me. Her tendrils placed themselves on my shoulders. “What are you doing?”

“Rubbing your shoulders. You’re always so tense, my lady!”

“Oh. Just checking.”

She continued. Honestly, it felt pretty nice. “You know, I would be happy to do this however you would like… Or wherever you would like…”

“Noted.” Not that I’d ever be desperate enough.

“I know exactly what you want and how you want it, my lady. I could play your body like a fiddle, do things to you that you’ve only ever dreamed of.”

“Noted.”

Once she was finished with my shoulders, she moved down to my back. “How low would you like me to go, my lady?” she whispered in one of my ears.

“You’ll know when to stop.” Though it might be a lot sooner than you’d like.

“You would never need to worry about judgment,” she said. “You would never need to worry about me spilling your secrets. I only want what you want, my beautiful lady.”

“Got it.”

When her tendrils got to where they were no longer welcome, they slowly withdrew. “Allow me to keep you warm,” she said, engulfing me and turning pink.

“I felt fine before.” Her body was starting to warm up and it honestly felt pretty nice. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want to show my appreciation to the best host ever!”

“Of course. And you’re sure it’s not just to annoy me?”

“I would never dream of it!” she said. She finally engulfed my entire lower body and I felt the heat going to my privates. “Comfy?”

“Yes.” Apparently surrounding me completely wasn’t enough, because she started to sing. Her voice wasn’t as pure as Flo’s, but it wasn’t completely terrible.

After about half an hour, someone knocked on the door again. Once more, it was proven moot by the door opening. Doppel poked her head in. “Twilight is here to see you, my lady.”

“Send her up.”

Twilight’s magic surrounded the door and it opened the rest of the way, letting her trot inside. Her hooves faltered a few steps in. “Why is Aqua on you?”

“She’s showing her appreciation to the best host ever,” I said. “It also came with a massage.”

“...Huh.” She walked in further so she could kiss me. “It’s good to see you again, Navi.”

“It’s pretty baller to see you, too.”

“Would you like anything brought up?” Doppel asked.

“Nah fam, it’s cool,” I said. She curtsied and pulled the door shut.

“So I spoke to Celestia,” Twiggles said. “It was… eerie.”

“Tell me about it. Not a mannerism out of place. She reminds me of how she acted when I first met her, back when she was still pretending to be a good person. Honestly, it put me off a little, until I realized she actually wasn’t faking it this time.”

“If she is, she’s doing a much better job,” Twilight said. “I tried to trip her up a few times, but no luck. She seems solid. I think this might have been the best choice after all.”

“Of course it was,” I said. “It’s the one I picked.”

“Right, of course. Because you totally have a track record for good, healthy choices.”

“So, is she willing to continue teaching you?”

“More than willing. She was insistent. Apparently the new lesson plan will include true magic, but she’s going to ease me into it slowly.”

“Awesome. Are you rethinking marrying her?”

“No. She seems quite taken by you, though. She asked quite a few questions about my special somehuman.”

“She asked me quite a few questions about myself, too. I don’t know what she said to Luna, though.”

“I’ll be spending a lot of time with Celestia while you’re in the coma,” she said. “I think she’ll need a little help adjusting.”

“Try to get Luna to spend some time with her, too. You know, if you’re willing to spend enough time with Luna to tell her.”

“Doppel told me Luna was asking her some very strange questions last night. Questions about… collars, for some reason.”

“Weird. So how are the books about the trip going?”

“Very well. Princess Gilda was actually reading the first one over for me, but I see that she’s not here…”

“I’m pretty sure she went to the bunker. Speaking of, I have some peeps I’ll need to have shipped there. If you’re around when they get back, would you mind?”

“What kind of peeps?” she asked.

“I hired some crew members for the big airship.”

“Oh, good. Celestia also had quite a few questions about the bunker. It was surprising how much she already knew. She was talking like she had been there with us!”

“I think she’ll probably want a tour soon. She’ll also want to meet Jonathan.”

“I can arrange for both of those while you’re out,” she said with a nod. “Have you decided for sure when you want to do it?”

“Some time after this dayglass empties,” I said, pointing at it again. There were probably about two or three hours left. “Hopefully I’ll have time to finger one of my paramours before then…”

“I was thinking about that, actually,” she said, grinning. “It was so nice of you to be a pony for me during the festival… I think maybe it’s time I finger you instead!”

“Are you saying…?”

Her horn lit up and she concentrated for a moment. Finally, it lit up much brighter and flashed. Just like that, Twiggles was back to her lovely human form. “I’m saying that it’s time to hold hands, my little Navi!”

“...I don’t know how, but you made that sound really hot.” She carefully walked over to my desk and held out a hand. I grabbed it and let her pull me up. When she had me on my feet, she placed her hands on my face and pulled me in for a kiss. Honestly, it felt a lot better than I thought it would.

“And how was that?” she whispered when she pulled back.

“Nice. It was very, very nice.”

“Then let’s see what else feels nice when I touch it!” She grabbed one of my hands and tugged me along to the bed.

As it turns out, a lot of things feel pretty good when you touch them right.

When her experiments were finished, we ended up just cuddling. It felt… right. Something about cuddling with a pony always felt like I was hugging a big dog, even if I knew better. Being able to see and touch a hot chick in my arms was something special.

“What do you think it’ll be like?” she softly asked.

“What do I think what will be like?”

“The coma. You seem so gung-ho about doing it, but I wonder if you’ve really considered what might happen…”

“Why would I do that?” I asked. “It would just make me not want to do it.”

“Is that so bad, though? If you… if you escape… you’ll be different, Nav. And we can’t know how different you’ll be. And…” She sighed and her horn lit up. For some reason, I thought I heard someone squeak. “And I honestly don’t know if I’d trust Taya to save you.”

“Fuckin’ tell me about it. She’s a complete… Wait, you are using a magic jamming spell, right?”

“Right.”

“Good. She’s a complete psycho who still wants into my panties so bad that she almost can’t contain it. What Aqua did just kicked it into overdrive. I’m utterly terrified of what might happen if my filly gets access to my brain.”

“Well, that isn’t at all what I wanted to hear. How do you plan to tell Taya you want someone else to do it?”

“I was thinking about just asking Athena and Hera to not let her. If I can’t figure my own shit out, maybe I’m better off locked away for good. At least that way, Discord can’t get me.”

“That’s a terrible idea for a lot of reasons. If you don’t tell her, she’ll feel incredibly betrayed. Plus, the world needs you. You can’t just run and hide because you’re afraid of what you might become with outside interference. You knew it was a possibility going in and you thought you could trust Taya, but now that you know you can’t, you need to find someone else who will be able to help.”

“Well, that’s kind of a tall order,” I said. “I need to find somebody who would be willing to enter a coma to save me and who isn’t completely batshit crazy. It also has to be someone who has a decent opinion of me, doesn’t have much going on, and wouldn’t jump at the chance to turn me into their perfect version of me. I don’t really have too many people who work for me that are sane.”

“It doesn’t have to be someone who works for you. You have plenty of friends. And more to the point, it doesn’t necessarily have to be one person, either. If Taya had someone else to rein her in, would you trust her?”

“Depends on the person reining her in. There are a lot of things that I don’t want to become.”

“Wellllll… It has to be somepony you trust. Somepony reliable. Somepony that Taya will listen to. Somepony who really knows you and is willing to do whatever it takes to help you.”

“I think I might know just the person,” I said. “Rainbow Dash would love it!”

“I was thinking… I dunno, closer. Say, the perfect mare for you…?”

“I don’t know anyone like that,” I said with a shrug. “All I see right now is the perfect human for me.”

That actually gave her goosebumps. “A part of me likes the sound of that,” she said. “Something only we share. I don’t see Fleur ever becoming human for you…”

“Moonie does, though.”

“Well, I don’t think you’d want Chrysalis deciding who you become.”

“I dunno. I’d probably be a lot more confident.”

“As if you ever lacked confidence for anything.” She stole a kiss and pulled away with a giggle. “Lady Navarone says what she wants to who she wants. Everyone knows it. You’re the most confident person I know.”

“It’s pretty much all a sham designed to hide tons and tons of insecurities,” I said. “I’m constantly a nervous wreck on the inside.”

“Well, I think of anyone here in Equestria, I might well know you the best. Aside from Flo, that is.”

“How can you know me the best?” I asked. “You thought I was confident!”

“Yeah, yeah. I know you well enough to know what you want to be. Or at least, I know you well enough to know what you need to be.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. I don’t want to be who I need to be, I want to be something that’ll make me happy.”

“Well, that’s what Taya will be for. I’ll just be there to make sure she doesn’t do anything you’d regret.”

“Hm. I have something of a moral problem I’ve been working over in my head. I feel like I already know the answer, but new opinions are nice. Would it be morally wrong for Aqua to remove Taya’s lust for me?”

“That… is a very interesting question,” she said. “Huh.”

“I thought if Aqua might be able to fix her mind up a little, I could trust her a lot more. Now that Taya is effectively immortal, we’re going to need to do something about her personality.”

“I do agree that her crush is… problematic. I’m just not sure forcefully changing her mind is the right way to fix it. Some of her other behaviors are… erratic, but again, forcing her to change seems like a little much. And if she ever realized you did it, her trust in you would be gone.”

“That’s why Aqua would wait until Taya finishes up her new regeneration seed. If she ever finds out what we did, we can just kill her and start fresh.”

“What?!”

“Kidding. Although…” She slapped me. “Fine! I thought violence was never the answer, Twilight.”

“Then why are you suggesting murdering your filly?!”

“Well, if violence works for you, I don’t see why it couldn’t for me.”

For some reason, that made her sniff angrily at me. “I think I should tell Doppel on you. I’m sure she could come up with a suitable punishment!”

“Doppel is cruel and unusual. She would torment me far beyond what I deserve.”

“Good!” She tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let her. “Although this bed is pretty comfy…”

“It’s the bomb diggity,” I whispered as I leaned forward to smooch her. That got her mind off my ultimate backup plan, thankfully.

Right as my hands started reaching somewhere lower, a frantic knocking kinda ruined it. I pulled back in time to see Doppel poking her head in. “My lady, Princess Celestia is here to see you!”

“What the fuck? Like, in person?”

“Yes!”

“Shit. I’ll be down in a few minutes. Tell her I was in the middle of sexing down her student.”

“I’ll tell her you were in the middle of something,” Doppel said with a nod. She pulled her head back out and closed the door behind her.

“Great,” I sighed, my shoulders slumping. “Now I have to deal with this.”

“I’m surprised she came all this way personally,” Twilight said.

“I’m sure she had a reason.” I finally started awkwardly scooching off the bed, trying to get to where I left most of my clothes.

Twilight blinked off, then transformed herself back into a horse. Before I could finally stand up, she started floating me the clothes. “The good news is that this will be good for your reputation. Princess Celestia doesn’t do many house calls.”

“Princess Cuntlestia didn’t. Princess Cutelestia might.” It didn’t take me very long to dress up in the skimpy outfit. Soon enough, all I was missing were my panties, which were still sitting on the floor. “Are you not going to fly those over?”

“No, you don’t get to wear them,” she replied.

“Oh. Then let’s go see what she wants.” Her horn lit up and we blinked down to the first floor, right in front of Celestia. I nodded at her. “What up, cuh?”

“Oh, I think I know this one!” She cleared her throat and nodded back. “Ain’t much of nothing, fam! How’s it hangin’ up in this bitch?”

“Alright, I have something else you’re never allowed to do again,” I said. “It’s that.”

“You won’t stop me from having fun,” she replied, attempting to boop me. I slapped her hoof away, which actually stung my hand.

“Nav’s just mad that we’re starting to understand her slang,” Twilight said.

“So why are you here?” I finally asked.

“I’m not allowed to visit a friend?” Celestia asked with a sly smile.

“Obviously you can do just about whatever you want, given that you’re the dictator of about a quarter of the globe. Of course, given that you’re the dictator of about a quarter of the globe, I certainly assumed you’d have better things to be doing.”

“Fine. I was hoping we could talk first, but if you’re going to be like that, I can get to the point. I do want a tour of the bunker and I would like to meet Jonathan.”

“Well, the portal is on the second floor,” I said. “You’re free to head that way. I’m sure Watcher would be happy to assign you a guide.”

“I’ve already picked my guide,” she replied. “I want the great conqueror herself to give me the tour.”

“Well unfortunately, Luna is currently on personal business. You’re welcome to wait for her, but I’m not sure how long it’ll take.”

“A part of me is surprised it took Princess Cuntlestia so long to lose her patience with you,” Celestia said. “You’re lucky Princess Cutelestia is more forgiving.”

“Aqua?”

She instantly appeared at my side. “Yes, my lady?”

“Celestia isn’t allowed to magically spy on me anymore. Make sure she remembers that.”

“You put my fate in Flo’s tendrils, not Aqua’s,” Celestia said. “What makes you think Flo will let Aqua follow that command?”

“Flo?”

Celestia’s eyes turned blue. “I warned her when she did it that this would be your response. I also warned her that I would not stand in your way. If this is the path you choose, so be it.”

Her eyes went back to their pretty pink. “So much for bluffing. There’s nothing you need to hide from me now, Navi.”

“I’m not interested in Big Sister constantly looking over my shoulder, even if it might be for my own good. I’m especially not interested in anything I say privately being used against me. Twilight, are you coming or staying?”

“I’ll be staying,” she said. “I want to talk to Taya. I also have a few more preparations to make before I’m ready to put you in a coma.”

“In that case, can you get some donuts before you return? Athena and Hera asked for something sweet and I figured that would do it.”

“I can do that,” she said with a nod. “It’ll be nice to show them some pony food.”

“Thanks. Now come on then, Sunbutt,” I said. “Let’s get this over with.”

“You know you enjoy your time with me,” she said as we started walking to the stairs.

“This is the second time I’ve done it. The first time was okay I guess, but I wouldn’t really call it fun.”

“Well, you will come to enjoy your time with me. You know, as soon as you stop pretending to hate it.”

“I could certainly do with less condescension.”

“And I could do without being called a dictator. I am a princess, thank you very much!”

You’re very bitchy for someone who’s lucky to even exist.

“That’s another one of those naughty errant thoughts you need negative reinforcement to get rid of,” Aqua said in my head. “Princess Cutelestia is a brand new individual. Give her a chance.”

It didn’t take us long to get to Twilight’s teleportation circle. A bored guard was watching over it. He stiffened to attention when I walked in and his eyes widened when he saw the princess. “Do you need an escort, my lady?” he asked.

“I’m being escorted by Princess Celestia. Any more would be overkill.”

“That’s Princess Cutelestia to you,” she said, patting my back with a wing.

“You’re rapidly becoming Princess Annoy-the-shit-out-of-me-lestia. Let’s go.”

“I think Princess Cutelestia sounds better,” the guard said.

“That’s because you’re a pansy pony like her,” I said, booping him on the nose. With that, I stepped into the circle.

“It’s good to know you treat your staff as poorly as you treat me,” she said, also stepping onto the circle.

“She’s too cute to ever stay mad at,” the guy said. “And she makes it really easy to peek up her skirt!”

“And even better, I rarely wear panties,” I said.

“Truly the best lady ever,” the guard said with a smile.

Cutelestia snorted and finally teleported us halfway across the continent. The circle was still on top of the entrance to the fort. There was now a fairly rudimentary staircase carved into the stone, leading down. The airship was currently at the top of the shaft.

“Seeing it all in a memory didn’t quite give me the scale,” Celestia said. “This place is truly massive! And that ship is amazing!”

“I had a plan for it, if you’d like to hear it,” I said. “I’ll probably need your help, too.”

“Of course I’d love to hear it,” she said.

“It’s currently crewed by the race of bugs that Jonathan found. I plan to add on a lot of crafters and machinists. The ship will fly around the continent. The bugs will harvest resources like metals, stone, and wood. The crafters will turn the resources into magical runic armor, weapons, and golems. I plan to retrofit the Equestrian military to the point where we can invade Tartarus in order to pacify all the demons, stop the constant discord, and cleanse the corrupted lake of pure magic.”

“I see. When were you planning on telling me that you were going to use my army to start a war?”

“Um. Fifteen seconds ago?”

“Right, of course. Do I get a say in this plan?”

“Of course. You can stand in my way if you want. But I am going to Tartarus one way or another. I’d feel much more comfortable if it was at the head of a powerful army. I also figured you’d feel more comfortable coming out about not controlling the sun after your army conquers hell in your name.”

“In my name?” she asked. “I thought you were leading this army.”

“I will be leading your army who will be fighting for you. None of them would follow me in there without the princess’s permission. I’ve also already gotten pledges of support from Princess Gilda, Shiny and Cadance, and Moonbeam. So, do you plan to stand in my way?”

“When Luna and I spoke, she told me of the summit, of the powers represented there. She also mentioned what you planned to do in regards to governing the world. I would like to meet with all of these leaders myself. I will make my decision about Tartarus after. You will have it by the time you emerge from the coma.”

“Cool. So, you wanna get this tour started?”

“Yes. Let’s start with the ship. I would like to see the queen.”

Before we could start walking that way, a water elemental shot up the stairs and slid over to us. She piledrived me with a hug, knocking me off my feet and sliding me across the stone. Her body kept me safe from harm, thankfully. When we stopped sliding, Flo’s body finally formed and she kissed me on the nose. “Hello, Navi,” she sweetly said in my head.

“Hi. Do you wanna convince Celestia that you’re a much better tour guide than I could ever be so she’ll let me go back home?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “Then I wouldn’t get to spend any time with you!”

Gosh darnit. “Then help me up.” She set me back up on my feet, though she didn’t pull away from me. “So, shall we?”

Flo started ferrying me along. Celestia walked next to us. “So is there a piece of Jonathan we could speak to aboard?” she asked.

“There is,” Flo said.

“What about Zecora?” I asked.

“She’s recuperating on the Second Chance,” Flo said. “It’s flying around the crater with another copy of Jonathan. He’s showing us how to operate all the nanites he created for weather and crop control.”

“I would also like to see a demonstration of that,” Celestia said.

“Of course, it’s not like I had any plans today or anything,” I sarcastically replied.

“I actually had a question about those plans,” Flo said. “Luna told Celestia last night that you decided to enter the coma in Athena’s book. I assumed either I misheard her or she was misinformed, though, because I know you have more than two brain cells.”

“You’ve been in my brain long enough to catch up,” I said. “I can absolutely see Discord trying to pull some shit while I’m out. I feel like the chances of him succeeding are a lot lower if I’m in Athena’s book. I sense no malice from either of them. Hera’s psychotically insane, but she seems relatively harmless as long as you don’t provoke her. Athena’s just a lonely old woman. Neither are going to try anything.”

“All the same, I would feel more comfortable with you under my care,” Celestia said. “Aqua could surround your body to ensure you heal properly and are protected.”

“They’re already making preparations. It would be rude to back out now.” We got to a new staircase in the center of the deck and started heading down. “Where did these staircases come from?”

“Jonathan decided it would be easier for us to navigate if we had direct access to areas of importance,” Flo said. “So he showed us another one of his skills, which is the ability to mold a structure into a new shape. This allowed him to essentially carve stairs into the wood and stone. He offered to make us a staircase that spiraled around the entire hole, leading all the way to the bottom. We declined.”

“I can see why,” Celestia said. “It’s quite a drop. So the race that first found this place just dug straight down?”

“That’s what he told us,” I said. “Apparently the crater was already here, though.”

“And the being you found in that runic room under the mountain was one of them?”

“She was,” I said. “The elementals have all of her memories.”

“They’re quite fascinating,” Flo said. “It’s astounding how similar they were to humans and ponies. There is even some evidence that they knew of elementals, though I don’t think they found any.”

“They were super hard for human tech,” I said. “I hope we can replicate their power device. That would be a pretty huge boon. If we can create a magical shield over all the cities in Tartarus, the innocent civilians can finally rest easy.”

“Flo, do you think Watcher could use extra ponypower?” Celestia asked. “I would be happy to send some guards in to help hurry things along.”

“The current bottleneck is the amount of spirits below,” Flo said. “We are trying to neutralize them peacefully and allow them to return to the afterlife. Zecora is confident it’s better than trying to eradicate them.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” I said. “We’re not in a hurry.”

“All the same, with the shield down, you are open to interlopers. I would feel more comfortable with more troops on standby. Watcher will, of course, remain in command.”

“Do I have a say in this?” I asked.

“Of course. You can stand in my way if you want. I believe it should be left up to Watcher, though.”

“Flo, ask him if he wants any oversight.”

“He said additional hooves would be appreciated,” Flo replied.

“Well, there you go. You can send some peeps here I guess. I’d prefer them not having to use my house to do it, though.”

“Twilight drew one set of circles. She can draw another.”

With the staircase, it took us no time at all to get to the heart of the big-ass ship. Char was talking to the iteration of Jonathan. A bored guard squad was playing spin the bottle. The queen was chilling with two of the huge melee bugs.

“That silver blob next to Char is Jonathan,” I said. “And that ugly lump of fuck over there is the queen.”

“That is no way to speak about royalty, Nav,” Flo said.

“I don’t see a crown on her head,” I said. “She’s just the queen bug. It doesn’t even count, since she’s totally controlled by Jonny.”

“Then do I count as royalty?” Celestia asked.

“Well, let’s see. You have a crown on your head and you aren’t being totally controlled by somebody else, so I would say yes. Now, do you want to meet Jon?”

“Yes.” She started trotting over to introduce herself. I wanted to stay behind, but Flo didn’t let me. Celestia’s enormous size meant she made a lot of noise, so Char and Jonny quickly noticed us. Jon stared straight at Celestia as we approached. “Greetings, Jonathan,” Celestia said. “My name is Princess Celestia.”

“I have many memories of you,” he said. “You’ve ordered more than one expedition here.”

“I have,” she said. “And all of them failed. Navarone has once more succeeded where I could not.”

“My stock of ponies is mostly depleted, but I am working on rectifying that,” he said. “When I have enough, I will release them to you to recuperate your losses. I can return the minds of those who became my puppets, as well. They might be disoriented in their new bodies, but they will grow into them in time.”

“You actually store their minds?” I asked.

“I keep the minds of the races that are still alive. The extinct races get overwritten. That way, I would be prepared to give the chosen one the minds of any I took from her.”

“You are a machine,” Celestia said. “As I understand it, all machines that humans built had a purpose. Your purpose was to wait for the chosen one?”

“Yes.”

“So what will you do now?” she asked.

“My next order is to obey Navarone as she progresses. I fully intend to do so.”

“You said you kept the minds of races until they went extinct,” I said. “Do you have any human minds?”

“I am not at liberty to say.”

“Wait, what?” I said.

“That’s… suspicious,” Flo slowly said.

“It’s definitely cause for concern,” Char said. “Why aren’t you at liberty to say?”

“It goes counter to some of the other orders I was given.”

“What other orders were you given?” I asked.

“My orders are to tell you only what my current main directive is. That current main directive is to support you however you need.”

“Well, I’d like you to support me by telling me your orders.”

“Doctor Anonymous warned me that you would try this,” he said. “And advised that I slap you in the face if you do not stop. Will I be required to slap you in the face?”

“No. Any more questions, Celestia?”

“I’ve been told you have technology that controls crops and the weather.”

“You have been told correctly,” he replied.

“Would you be willing to share this technology with the ponies?”

“No.”

“What if Navarone requested it?”

“If Navarone requested it, I would.”

“How difficult would it be to make more of these machines?” I asked. “Enough to feed, say, a city.”

“Extremely easy,” Jonathan said. “The limiting factor is time and materials. I need titanium, aluminum, and gold. If this ship does end up traveling around for materials, I will be able to obtain what I need. It will take me one week to produce enough machines to feed ten thousand ponies.”

“How much land will you require?” Celestia asked. “I imagine you would need to rotate crops constantly to keep enough nutrients in the soil.”

“That is unnecessary,” he said. “The nanites in the soil seek out bugs of all kinds to work the soil, keeping it full of nutrients. If you’d like to do this long-term, the ideal farm would be about one hundred acres. Each plot would take about a week to grow the crops, and then be idle for a week. You could consistently grow crops for about six months before the land will need three months to recuperate.”

“Astounding,” Celestia said, a huge grin coming to her face. “And what of these bugs?” she asked, looking over to the queen. “Nav seems to believe they can harvest resources. Can you think of other uses they might have?”

“They can build,” he said. “I used them to build this fortress. I’m sure they’d have plenty of other uses, if you put it to thought. I have little thought for how to use biological life. It is not my purpose.”

“I think the more important question is, can you breed more queens to control more colonies?” I asked. “Because one colony working out of this ship would be great, but more would be better.”

“That is doable,” he said. “There is actually an ant queen in the dirt. It is possible we could put her to use as well.”

“I’m sure we can find a use for a bunch of giant ants,” I said. “Load her up on the ship.”

“Ants make great cannon fodder,” Celestia said. “Luna has used them as mercenaries in the past. Most queens care little if a few dozen soldiers get killed, but they can make a huge difference in a battle.”

“Perfect for a war on Tartarus,” I said. “So we’ll have giant ants, giant other bugs, runic golems, and soldiers in magic armor.”

“Hm. This war of yours is beginning to sound more and more interesting. I would like to see the golem before we leave.”

“It’s on the other ship,” Flo said. “You can see it when you go for the demonstration.”

“Do you have any other cards hidden up your sleeve?” Celestia asked the guy.

“Yes. I have several mostly extinct species here. Most won’t be useful. I also have a variety of historical knowledge that I would like to begin transcribing now that I have peaceful contact with the world.”

“Have you ever heard of somebody named Athena?” I asked.

“Yes. She is the Greek goddess of knowledge. There is also a magical entity that goes by the same name locked in a pocket dimension. I captured two of her agents long ago.”

“What about Zeus?”

“Yes. He is the king of the Greek gods. There is another magical entity that goes by his name in another pocket dimension. I captured one of his agents about eighty years ago.”

“What can you tell me about his book?”

“He shared it with another by the name of Hephaestus. The book was owned by a guild of adventurers in China. I don’t know if it’s still there.”

“Hm. Someone in China put a bounty on me. I wonder if it’s that guild of adventurers, because I found another two books.”

“Sounds like a mystery!” Celestia said. “I’ll send out a few tendrils. My spies in China will see if they can find who wants your head.”

“For once, Aqua can be useful. She mindjacked two of the bounty hunters.”

“I’ll get the information from her later,” Celestia said with a nod. Unfortunately, she ruined it by wrapping a wing around me and pulling me close. “See there, Navi? Isn’t working together great?”

“Sure is,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I believe I have no more questions for this Jonathan,” Celestia said, still cuddling me. “I think I’d like to head to the other ship.”

“It’s not far,” Flo said. “I can assist your teleport. One moment.”

Celestia’s horn lit up and both of us flashed off. Given that Flo had been all that was holding me up, I would have fallen right on my ass if Celestia hadn’t been propping me up. She finally released me when I was steady.

“Greetings,” Celestia said to the deck full of water elementals and a single Jonathan. “Some of you may not have met me. My name is Princess Celestia.”

“It’s so comforting to see her tamed,” Kat said, attaching herself to one of my arms. “I’m glad you missed me so much that you had to come see me, my lady…”

“Princess Cutelestia wanted a tour,” I said. “While I’m here, I need to get something from my room. Can you handle this one on your own?”

“I believe I can make it,” Celestia said, walking over to the new Jonny. “Take your pet cat with you.”

Kat giggled and started rubbing her head on me. That was weird, so I began walking to the staircase. She stayed latched on and began purring. “You’re feeling very cuddly today,” I said.

“I just love being reminded how my lady is the best there ever was.”

“I try to be a good example for you miscreants. It doesn’t usually work.”

As soon as we got down the stairs, one of her paws found its way right up my skirt. It was kinda difficult to walk with her doing things to me, so I pulled the paw away. She pouted at me for it, but I honestly didn’t care.

Someone had been behind me to tidy up the room, but I found the mirror right where it belonged. As soon as I picked it up, Moonie’s face appeared. For some reason, she looked upset. “It was quite rude of you to leave like that, Navarone. I wanted some time to talk to you more face to face. Let me know where you are when you get this and I will meet you.”

I wanted to speak to her right then, but I didn’t really foresee her wanting to come out to the bunker. With that in mind, I started wrapping the mirror in a towel.

“Are you not going to contact her?” Kat asked.

“I’ll wait until I’m back at home.”

“Why? If you do it now, you can show off your princess and your new conquest.”

“That’s unnecessary, but a good point.” I unwrapped the mirror and said, “Moonbeam.”

Her ceiling appeared. A moment later, someone groaned. The mirror lit up green and floated across the room, where Moonie was lying on her bed looking miserable. “Hello, Nav,” she said when she finally saw me.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Yes. I’m just pregnant again and it’s affecting me a little more than usual.”

“Oh.” For some reason, I found that really surprising. “Well, I’m at the bunker again with the new Princess Celestia. She wanted to inspect it.”

“How well is she faring?”

“Eerily well. Flo did a good job. I sense no hostility in Celestia and she seems to be growing quickly to fill Exlestia’s oversized shoes.”

“Good. I wanted to speak to you in person, but I’m not feeling up to a trip. I told you I wanted to speak with you before you left, Nav. Why did you allow the behavior of rude children to force you away?”

“Nobody was speaking up to defend me, so I felt unwanted. I’m sorry if you feel slighted. You can punish them all for it later.”

“I can and will. You mentioned wanting to build connected royal academies. I would be delighted to assist, but we will need to discuss the specifics of what will be taught.”

“We’ll get together with the griffins and the headmaster of the college I’ll be founding here and talk about everything then. One thing I’d definitely like to teach is monster hunting. Once we have a few classes out and about, I want to create monster hunting guilds so we can start wiping these menaces out.”

“A wise idea, but I don’t imagine many would volunteer to hunt monsters.”

“You might be surprised. Another thing I wanted to discuss involves the gem mine near Ponyville.”

“What of it?” she asked.

“Well, I’m planning on forming the college right next to the Everfree. I want to use the monster hunters to capture living monsters, have them shipped to the changeling mines, and then slaughtered over the gems to create blood gems. I’ll use those to help fuel the Tartarus war.”

“You have my permission, but I will be keeping a percentage.”

“That’s fair. We can negotiate how much when we actually get it going. There’s another thing I wanted to ask. Now that I have a house in Canterlot and now that I have Celestia under my control, I think it’s better that I stay there. I was planning on expanding the house your changelings built for me into the university. I was wondering if they might be up for another building project.”

“We are,” she said. “It will take us longer to build, though. We’ve made a few improvements to our generators that’ll help.”

“Magitech will definitely be on the curriculum. Twilight Sparkle was hoping to help direct the building efforts.”

“Why must you insist upon allowing her to ruin your greatness?” she sighed.

“Twilight chose to support me over Celestia,” I said. “That takes conviction, honor, and loyalty to me. She is a very valuable asset, even if her social skills occasionally leave something to be desired. Twilight is best when you point her at a goal, tell her why the goal is important, and give her guidelines for how to achieve the goal. That’s what I did with the academy. She knows what I’m trying to accomplish and I trust her to build an academy worth attending.”

“You’re always so quick to defend your toys,” Moonie said. “I somewhat wonder how quick you are to defend me.”

“Extremely,” Kat said. I turned the mirror to face her. “Everyone is always shocked and surprised, but every time anyone says anything negative about you, Nav immediately jumps in to say how quickly you’re changing and how good you’re becoming. She also usually calls you either a cutie pie or a super sweetie.”

When I spun the mirror back, I saw that my pretty little queen was actually blushing. “That answer your question?” I asked.

“Sufficiently so. It’s comforting to know your loyalty extends beyond just my presence.”

“I do my best to wear just one face,” I said. “It makes deciding which to pick for the day so much easier.”

“Those like you are a commodity, Nav,” Moonie replied. “You can certainly do better than a princess’s student, number one or not.”

“How upset would you be if I told you that the griffin princess might kinda sorta have a thing for me?”

“Not at all, given that I am already aware. Her lust was obvious and deep enough that I’m sure you’ve been to her chambers more than once.”

“Any love mixed in all that lust?” I asked.

“She’s a young female griffin,” Kat said. “They’re basically one and the same.”

“Very much so,” Moonie said. “If you want her attentions to falter, put a better candidate before her and she would likely switch her tune in a heartbeat.”

“That might not be a bad thing. I have serious doubts about her ability to be discreet.”

“We could make her disappear,” Kat helpfully suggested.

“We’re not making a princess disappear,” I said. “Anyway, we got way off topic and I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

“Right now, I’m spending most of my time being miserable,” Moonie sighed. “I’m sure having you here with me would put a smile right back on my face, though…”

“I have appropriated Nav’s services for the moment,” Celestia said, poking her head in the door. “And I believe she has plans immediately after.”

“As tempting of an offer as it is, I’m afraid my liege lady summoned me first.”

“Queens outrank princesses,” my queen said.

“You might be pregnant, but I am less than two days old,” Celestia said. “I require Nav’s services considerably more, believe me.”

“That… is fair,” Moonbeam said. “How do you feel?”

“I feel… right. When I first… awoke, everything felt so hollow. Now that I’ve had time to begin processing and now that Flo is finishing up with my memories, I’m starting to feel complete. I’m happy to be given this chance. I understand that trust will take time, but I fully intend to earn it.”

“An interesting take on what Celestia should have been,” Moonie said. “Your elementals are impressive, Navarone. The ones who aren’t traitors, that is.”

“Yes, the ones who aren’t traitors are definitely impressive,” I said. Aqua sighed in my head. “Wait until you see a fire elemental fight.”

“I hope it never comes to that. Since your princess is demanding your attention, I will allow you to return to her. However, I may have to consider adding some tallies to your punishment.”

“Why is a foreign queen punishing one of my nobles?” Celestia asked.

“Because I’ve been a naughty girl,” I said. “And Moonie is gonna teach me a lesson.”

“Ah. I withdraw my question. I would like to schedule a meeting later, though. Will you be available for a talk tonight?”

“I will. I’ll keep the mirror near.”

“I’ll see you later, Moonie,” I said.

“I’m already looking forward to it.” I suddenly saw my own face again. Kat took the mirror and started wrapping it up.

“I had a feeling meeting her would be interesting,” Celestia said. “I was hoping I had more time to prepare, but sometimes surprises are good.”

“Rarely. So, what’s next?”

“The golem,” she said with a nod. “I’d like to see it in action, but I understand that’s not an option.”

“It’s in the workshop,” Kat said. “Last I saw, Jak was also in there working on a new project.”

“Then we’re going to poke our heads in,” I said.

“I’ll pack up everything else for you,” Kat said.

“It’s good to see your servants know how to be useful,” Celestia said, pulling her head back out. “Shall we, Navi?”

“Sure.” Normally I would defend my vassals, but if Kat wanted to pick a fight, that was entirely on her. She didn’t say a word as I left, but her tail was swinging. When we were a few steps down the hall, I said, “I really hope punching down won’t become a common thing for you.”

“I’m Princess Celestia,” she said. “The only way I have to kick is down.”

“Tell that to Pyrite.”

“I would, if kicking up at him wouldn’t potentially cause a war. I say the reason I can only kick down is because kicking up to any of those who are more powerful than I would be a very poor life decision. I do not intend to snap back at just any snippy remarks, but I won’t be talked down to by a rapist.”

“That’s fair. Just remember that this particular rapist is psychopathic, brainwashed by Flo without permission to be loyal, and also happens to be a trained assassin. We try not to provoke her.”

“I’ve dealt with assassins before.”

“At two days old? I’m impressed.”

That made her snort. “If you can kill two assassins in the body of a baby, I doubt I would have much issue.”

Ouch. I kinda wanted to reply, but we got to the workshop and I wanted to go home even more. So I opened the door and let myself in. Jak was using Blaze to heat metal for him. The golem was chilling next to one of the walls.

“So I take it you were successful,” Blaze said.

“I was,” I said. “Meet Princess Celestia 2.0, now with less tyranny and more cuddles.”

“Good riddance,” he said. “I can already tell you’re different just from the look on your face.”

“That’s good to know,” Celestia said. “I’m sure the way she used to look at you made you feel all icy.”

“No. I could tell as soon as I saw her exactly what she thought of me and the other elementals. As soon as she got what she wanted from Nav, we were going to become public enemy number one.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, you struck first, not I.”

“Seems to be a good thing to me,” Jak said. “Sounds like we avoided one hell of a bloodbath.”

“Hunting Celestia would have been a thing of legends,” Blaze said. “It’s a shame we won’t get the honor. But taming Celestia is a much wiser approach.”

“And now that she is tamed, we need to get her up to speed,” I said. “Show her the golem.”

Jak picked up a wrench and threw it at the golem. It caught the wrench out of the air without even turning. “It’s eerie. One or two of those runes gave it some kind of intelligence. It’s extremely basic, but the auto-repairing thing got me thinking. What else might this thing do without me even knowing?”

“That would be a question for Athena,” I said. “Her book is in Canterlot.”

“It performs well in combat,” Blaze said. “I watched it during the fight for the deck of that ship. It fights with purpose.”

“Athena usually deploys hit squads of her golems,” I said. “I imagine there is some way to get them to all work together.”

“It’s astounding to see such a thing,” Celestia said, looking the golem up and down. “This was never a weapon my sister or I truly foresaw.”

“Human ingenuity is a hell of a thing,” I said. “Athena may be nuts, but she’s smart.”

“Jak, how do you feel about the thought of a workshop in the palace?”

“I’m plenty happy where I am,” he said. “Nav has given me purpose. Now that I have the memories of one of the race who did so much to guide my own, I will be able to create wonders. She is going to convert the big ship she captured into a mobile research and crafting platform. I am going to take the army of craftsponies she hires for me and use them to craft wonderful toys of war.”

“Yes, she finally decided to inform me that she would be leading my country into war,” Celestia said. “Apparently I’m the last to know.”

“It won’t be a war,” Blaze said. “It will be a slaughter. We will form a lake of blood in Tartarus with your name on our lips, princess. What better way for Nav to showcase to the world that she’s the new big power on the block? With Tartarus under her belt, she’ll have direct access to all three portals leading out. The ability to put an entire army on another continent in less than a day will be game-changing.”

“Oh, I’ve always been able to do that,” Celestia said. “Trust me, there’s nothing quite like teleporting a vanguard of elite naga directly into a fort. They get to skip all the defenses and get straight to the fun. I’d quite like to see what you could do with a squad of golems.”

“I plan to find out,” Jak said.

“I have a suggestion for the next golem,” I said. “Turn one of his hands into a sword or mace.”

“That is a wise suggestion. There’s nothing stopping me from making their bodies however I want, is there?”

“Give them four arms,” I said. “One in the chest and one in the back. They can outstretch their hands and spin, slapping the fuck out of everything.”

“An interesting idea. I will think on what other forms might be useful. How long do you think it’ll be before we can get the ship moving?”

“It’ll be a bit,” I said. “I’m still not quite sure how moving it is going to go. It’s too large to dock at most cities.”

“I will have a port constructed for it in Canterlot,” Celestia said. “On the side of the mountain. I’ll send a crew to take measurements and build you a full dock for it.”

“That’s very generous of you,” I said.

“This is a ship that you are going to use to fuel a war,” she said. “It’s an investment. So is the ship itself. I would be happy to crew it for you.”

“That won’t be necessary,” I immediately said.

“I have hundreds of ponies on file for this sort of thing, Nav,” she said. “What’s your hiring pool looking like? Because I could have that ship fully crewed tomorrow, including whatever craftsponies you’d like. Experienced ponies, of course.”

“If you want my ship, you’re going to have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. But don’t get comfortable, because I’ll be coming back for it as soon as I wake up and get my bearings.”

“I have no intention of taking your ship. I just want to crew it to get it to work sooner rather than later. Besides, why would it matter if I did take it? You’re putting it to use for the state anyway.”

“Because you didn’t earn it. Your expeditions here failed. Mine succeeded.”

“I see now that I should have made it a point to come here myself. I sent Luna, but she gave up before she got far enough.”

“She didn’t give up, she withdrew after losing half of her party. We took no losses at all.”

“Nav’s team is impressive,” Blaze said. “She has built herself a wide variety of deadly skills. They all put them to use so passionately. I think I enjoy watching Kat work the most. It’s a rare thing to find someone who takes pleasure in the kill. I think to her, it’s like ambrosia.”

“She gives me the shivers,” Jak said.

“She gives everyone the shivers,” I said. “So, have you inspected the golem?”

“I have,” Celestia said. “You are a wonderful tour guide, Nav.”

“Hurray. What’s next?”

“Home,” she said. “I’d love to stay for longer, but time is always short for a princess, I have found.”

Finally. “I think Kat was packing a bag for me.” As soon as I said her name, she walked in with said bag. “And there she is.”

“I didn’t want to give anyone the shivers,” she quietly said, handing me the bag.

“A good first step is not listening at the door,” Celestia said. “Are you ready, Nav?”

I pulled my kitty in for a short snuggle before nodding. “Ready.” Celestia’s horn lit up and we both appeared back at the fort, on the circle. Her horn lit up brighter and we reappeared in my house. “I guess that’s that.”

“It is,” she said. “I will be making a few more visits to the bunker. And again, I would be happy to crew the ship for you. I’m sure finding your own crew that is okay with working with giant bugs might be difficult.”

“Nobody seems to mind Doppel. In fact, I’d say a pretty sizeable chunk of peeps would tell you she’s a delight to be around.”

“Doppel is intelligent, cute, and puts out on a dime. These bugs are dumb, ugly, and probably incapable of sex.”

“Fine. Hire a crew for it. But it flies my flags.”

“Your flags are Equestrian, so that still counts for me. We are on the same side now, Nav. The only reason to dance about on issues of ownership is pettiness. At this point, your goals are Equestria’s goals. It’s obvious to me now that any resources given to you will be going to a very good cause. Getting that ship operational as quickly as possible is imperative.”

“Then do it. Jak knows what to do with it when it’s ready.”

“I want it to come to Canterlot first,” she said. “It will get mouths wagging. When you get out of the coma and get your head on straight, come talk to me. We’ll discuss what steps will come next. In the meantime, I will meet with the other heads of state and get a feel for things. With enough support, I feel that Tartarus may be doable.”

“And once we have it, we pretty much get the keys to the kingdom. I feel fairly confident that if push came to shove, we could steamroll the dogs.”

“Luna and I considered it, but that would be kicking a hornet’s nest. Their country is rife with political infighting. It’s a purpose-built system designed to keep the most cunning and powerful on top. The only thing that makes them unite is external pressure.”

“Then it sounds like we’re going to need ourselves a coup,” I said. “I’m sure we can find a pro-Equestrian leader to prop up, someone who’s capable of seeing the bigger picture. With enough support, our candidate could take power.”

“That is something Luna would come up with.”

“Well, apparently it’s also something I would come up with. What did you make of your sister?”

“She is sister no longer, as she was quick to point out to me. The old Celestia was her sister. It will take time to build something there. I’m not sure she will even be interested, but I hope she will. The old Celestia cared very deeply for Luna.”

Coulda fooled me. “She’s wary and in a lot of pain. I could use your help alleviating that pain.”

“I will be happy to give it. Why did you make her a vassal?”

“I didn’t. Aqua did. She wanted you both under her control and making Luna a vassal would accomplish that.”

“And yet you haven’t relinquished her oath.”

“Why would I do that? She’s proven herself loyal and useful.”

“I would much prefer her company in the palace.”

“Well, you can take that up with her.”

“I did. She told me that she was happy here.”

“Then there’s your answer,” I replied with a shrug.

“Hm. Enjoy the coming newspapers, Nav,” she said. “The fact that Luna is back in Canterlot has already spread far and wide. The fact that she’s staying here will probably spread quickly, too.”

“Fleur will handle it. Having a propagandist is great.”

“Indeed. Farewell for now, Nav,” she said. “I will see you on the other side.”

“Hopefully a better version of me. But if everybody hates her, just kill her and start fresh from this seed. Tell me that she was a cunt and I’ll figure something else out.”

“Ever the pragmatist,” she said.

“I certainly try. See you, Sunbutt.”

“See you, Navi.” Her horn lit up and she vanished.

The instant she vanished, Aqua slid in and hugged me. “Welcome back, Navi!”

“Hi. Who all is here?”

“A skeleton crew. Mostly the same people as before, minus Twilight. She’ll be heading back shortly.”

“Cool.” She started ferrying me up to my room. Shit was pretty swanky.

When we got there, Taya was balled up in my bed. Her little butterfly wings started fluttering when she saw me. “Welcome back, mommy!”

“Howdy.” The dayglass was empty, so I finally pulled the seed out. “I wasn’t planning on leaving the house today, but I didn’t get a choice. You want to help me plant this out back before Twilight returns?”

“Why do you need my help?”

“Because it’s cold as shit and you can keep me warm without being as annoying as Aqua.”

“...As annoying?” my filly slowly said.

“So, you want to help?”

“Maybe after you explain how I won’t be as annoying!”

“Oh well. Aqua, shall we?”

“Wait, what?” my filly asked as I started surging over to the door.

“See you in a sec,” I said as Aqua carried me out. When the door was closed, I sighed. “So, Flo, would you mind doing something morally questionable for me?”

“I’m not brainwashing your daughter.”

Let me finish. If Taya does end up entering the coma to come after me, I want you to stop her from letting her crush change me. You don’t have to remove it, you just can’t let her make a bad decision at a critical time.

“And how exactly would you convince her to become a host?”

It’s Taya. I can manipulate her with no problem at all.

“None at all?” Aqua asked. “No moral qualms or anything?”

I’m her mother. Manipulating her is my job. It’s called parenting.

When we got to the grove, Aqua cleared out a spot of snow for me and dug a small hole. I dropped the seed in and she covered it up. With our task complete, she began carrying me back.

“Parents do not manipulate their children,” Flo said. “Or at least, they aren’t supposed to.”

So what do you call teaching them right and wrong? You’re manipulating someone with no moral compass into following your own. Raising your child properly involves manipulating them from the start into being a good, successful person.

They both just said, “Wow.”

Yeah. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s just the way it is. I’m sure you’d understand, if you could ever have kids of your own.

For some reason, they didn’t have a reply for that.

When we got back into my room, I discovered that my filly was pouting. That simply wouldn’t do, so I had Aqua ferry me into the bed and slide me on over. “I think a belly rub will turn that frown into something that isn’t a frown,” I said.

She didn’t reply, so I took it as consent. Her silence continued as I started touching my little filly in all the right ways.

“I’ve been thinking,” I said. “Now that the elementals are effectively cleansed and now that you’re immortal anyway, there’s nothing stopping you from being a host. I can understand not wanting Aqua as your elemental, but I currently have Flo in my head. She could use that to make you a host. That would let us instantly communicate from anywhere on the planet.”

“I dunno if I want Flo in me. She kept being mean to me!”

“She wasn’t being mean, she was just informing you of how you were acting. Having an elemental in you to help police your actions before you do them might not be a bad idea. It would make fewer people think you’re creepy, for example.”

“Who thinks I’m creepy?! I’m your adorable daughter-pet!”

“Pretty much everyone who’s ever heard the phrase daughter-pet thinks you’re creepy. I’m sure there are plenty more besides that. You spooked the heck out of the guards at the bunker, for example.”

“...Am I creepier than Kat?”

“God no. I think Kat is creepy. I think you are adorable.” You know, when you aren’t being creepy. “Not everybody agrees.”

“But you do think I’m annoying…”

“Sometimes.” That made her ears slump. “When you do stuff like teleporting into my bath after spying on me doing lewd things with Doppel.”

“I waited until you were finished!”

“Flo, would you like to explain?”

She took over my face and said, “Watching your mother doing anything lewd is inappropriate. In fact, spying on her at all is rude. Teleporting into a bath when she’s spending time with a lover is certainly not filly-like behavior. You did it solely to steal all of mommy’s attention for yourself. Nav and Doppel both saw right through it. These are all obviously things about which an elemental could have warned you.”

“She’s being mean to me again, mommy!”

“Constructive criticism isn’t mean,” Flo continued. “Now you’re just copying Nav. I would not mind being your elemental. That way, you would have some company while your mother is away.”

“Hm. Can I have both you and Aqua?”

“I don’t want Aqua in you,” I said. “She’s insidious and would do her best to sabotage you.”

“I resent that,” my pet elemental said.

“You’ll live. So, would you like Flo inside of you?”

“I guess that would be okay.” Something immediately slid between the two of us as Flo filled my daughter in a way no other could.

See there? I’m the best mommy ever. “So how’s that pout lookin’?” I asked.

“You were right, a belly rub fixed it!” She rolled over and hugged me. “Best mommy ever!”

“Yeah, I’m the greatest,” I said, pulling my little pet filly close.

A knock on the door interrupted our snuggles. It opened and Doppel poked her head in. “Twilight is back, my lady.”

“Send her in.” Twilight pushed the door open further and let herself in. She was carrying a large box of donuts, thankfully. “My body is ready.”

“Good to know. This is your last chance to back out, Nav.”

“I ain’t bitch-made.” I released my filly and let Aqua slide me right back out of bed and place me on my feet. “Let’s do this.”

“Would you like lunch after you finish whatever you’re up to?” Doppel asked.

“I probably will want food, but I have no idea how long it’ll take.”

“Well, let me know as soon as you’re done and we’ll get something going!” She pulled her head back out the door and fucked right off.

“So did you make up your mind about who will go in after you?” Twilight asked.

“I thought I was doing it,” Taya said.

“You are,” I replied. “I think she’ll be fine.”

“...If you’re sure,” Twilight said. “Then shall we head into the book?”

“Hells to the yizzah, fam.”

“That means… yes, right?”

“It does.” I started walking over to the desk. The two of them joined me. When we were all standing in front of it, I took a deep breath and opened the book.

As soon as we were dumped inside, Hera appeared to hug my filly. “You finally brought my pet!”

“I don’t mind the belly rubs, but I don’t really want to be your pet,” Taya said.

“That’s okay. You’ll learn to accept it in time.”

“She’s not here to be your pet,” I said. “She’s here to say goodbye before I enter the coma.”

Athena appeared behind Hera with an actual squirt bottle and sprayed her roommate with it. Hera squeaked and spun around, glaring at Athena. “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t have a pet?” Athena asked.

“Obviously a lot more! And if you even think about squirting me ag—”

Athena squirted Hera again. Before things could get ugly, I swooped in and hugged them both. “Thank you for letting me do this here,” I said. “I’m glad to know you’ll work together to help me regrow.”

“I’ll put that spray bottle to a better use,” Hera said. “I can use it to water our new houseplant!”

“You smell very nice,” Athena said.

“Thanks.” I finally released them. Hera’s dress was dry again, so hopefully she wouldn’t flip shit. “So where did you draw up all the runes?”

We teleported down to the lower level. A bed was waiting for me. It was surrounded by several glowing runes. “You may begin as soon as you are ready,” Athena said.

“Well, are you ready?” Twilight asked.

“Fuck it,” I said. “Let’s do this.”

Taya jumped up to hug me. Twilight joined her a moment later. I hugged them both back, though I used the hand around Twilight to grope her a little.

When everyone was done leeching my warmth, they both pulled back. “So what exactly is going to happen?” I asked.

“I dunno,” Twilight said with a shrug. “It’s different for every person. For all we know, it could be a nightmarish prison from which you can never escape.”

“She adds color to the room,” Hera said. “So I can deal with that.”

“If that happens, just kill me,” I said. “I’ll come back only missing a few minutes.”

“I would like to keep the body,” Athena said. “I want to see what you look like on the inside.”

“...Okay. So, Twilight, comatize me!”

“Well… here goes, I guess.” Her horn lit up. I felt myself falling before completely blacking out.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety

I instantly appeared in Flo’s glade, with her in front of me. At the moment, I had the same body I had before the coma. “I thought I told you two not to interfere,” I said.

“I am not Flo,” Flo said. “I am merely what your mind chose to create as your guide.”

“Oh, you’re actually one of the visions. Cool.” Of course, there’s nothing stopping Flo from lying to me… Except for Aqua, that is. “Can you explain how this whole thing’s gonna work?”

“You will come face to face with the things that have turned you into the person you are today,” she said. “And this spell uses emotional ties to link you to the minds of those who were central to those events. You will gain something with each event that you pass, turning you into more and more of a complete person as you go.”

“Can you tell me whether my mind was purposefully messed with?”

“It was,” she replied. “The things Aqua did to you make it impossible to determine if Flo did anything to you. Your mind was also magically altered multiple times, and it was touched by things beyond this life.”

“You mean the undead?”

“I do. Ava had many effects on you. As did the trauma you received in the bunker.”

“...Don’t tell me we’re going back there.”

“We most definitely are.”

I sighed. “Well, let’s get started, I guess.”

“We will be joined by other spirits as we go,” she said. “They will take on forms familiar to you, but they will be representations of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Some might be hostile, depending on how you choose to progress.”

“What happens if one of those representations dies?”

“Your mind will be radically altered. I will be unable to interact with them. I am merely here to help you progress and try to explain things as we go.”

“As the guide, do you represent anything?”

“I do not know. Do you have any further questions?”

“Where do we begin?”

“You did not exist prior to your creation here in Equestria, so we will go back no further than your so-called arrival in Equestria. We can start from the beginning or work our way back. The choice is yours, but once you pick, you cannot change your mind.”

“I think a whole lot of my problems existed prior to my arrival. That’s like, half the fucking reason I came here!”

“It is beyond the scope of this spell to access memories you didn’t actually experience. You are just a shadow, a golem. Those memories are not yours.”

So much for getting rid of all that neglect and childhood trauma. I was really hoping for an all-in-one alternative to a decade of therapy. “That’s complete bullshit, but whatevs. Let’s start from the beginning and work our way forward. If I can survive it once, I can do it again.”

“Are you ready to see what truly defines you?” my guide asked.

“Uh. Yeah? That’s why I decided to do this coma.”

“Good.” Her eyes flashed and we vanished.

We appeared somewhere dark. My eyes almost immediately adjusted and I saw myself standing out in one of Applejack’s fields. It was my original body, the one I very dearly wanted back. Before I could walk over, Luna landed next to the other me.

“This is the night you first met her,” my guide said. “Do you remember?”

“I remember meeting her, but not what we spoke about.”

“Do you remember how you felt?”

“Surprised. I had no idea why a princess was wasting time with me.”

Twilight’s voice came from behind me. “Of course, you had suspicions.” I whirled around and there she was, standing next to another Luna. “Even then, you were suspicious of them. You knew exactly what they were both up to, didn’t you?”

“And it scared you,” Luna said. “You were utterly terrified of both sisters before you even met them.”

“Hi,” I said. “Do you two converse, or just monologue?”

“I am Reason,” Twilight said.

“And I am Fear,” Luna said.

“That’s… interesting.” And somewhat surprising, given how retarded Twilight usually is. “You’re right, though. I did have suspicions for why she was there. I thought she was checking up on me, making sure I was staying out of trouble. I also thought she was trying to get a measure of me by catching me off guard.”

“And your reply caught her off guard,” Reason said. “Your first meeting with a princess left you quite a lot to think about.”

“And it brought you no end of anxiety,” Fear added. “You knew it was only a matter of time until you were forced before Celestia herself, and the thought of it horrified you.”

“Everything Twilight told me made me think she was a tyrant,” I said. “All the fear in the populace instantly made me wary. I never wanted anything to do with either sister.”

“I have a memory to show you,” Fear said. One of her hooves lifted up and pressed against my forehead. My eyes glazed over and I started seeing a third person perspective of a conversation between Celestia and Luna.

“Twilight told me he will be at Applejack’s farm tonight,” Celestia said. “He often has trouble sleeping. Without a lot of books to keep him company, he’ll likely head out for a walk. Try to find him. Pretend to bump into him. Learn as much as you can. Befriend him if possible.”

“Why?” Luna asked. “He is no threat to us. This is a waste of time.”

“You are not the only one who is lonely, Luna. Navarone is the only one of his kind. Twilight says he is wistful and depressed. Most ponies are too… innocent for him to be comfortable around. From what she has described of him, I believe you two might get along. More to the point, some of the other reports she’s sent, concerning information about where he came from, bear considerably more investigation. I want you to get to know him. Learn what kind of being he truly is. Learn whether he can be trusted to actually tell the truth. And then grill him for everything you can about his homeland.”

“We could get much faster results by digging into his mind. Or torturing him, if he proves resistant to magic.”

“Yes, we could. But Twilight seems to like him and she certainly feels responsible for him. He has done nothing to harm anyone and seems content to make a life for himself here, even if he’s still depressed about his arrival. Besides, you know the combat potential of bipeds. From the body diagrams she’s sent of him, his body is perfect for use as a special agent. If you can befriend him and deem him trustworthy, we’re going to make use of him.”

“Hm.” Luna’s head tilted. “One of the reports said he was an omnivore, not a predator.”

“That’s even better,” Celestia said. “Predators act too much on instinct. Omnivores are a perfect match of instinct and reason. See what you can learn of the battles his kind waged, as well. If it sounds promising, start thinking of uses for him. Given how young he is and how little he possesses, it should be very easy to tie strings to him.”

“As you wish, sister,” Luna replied with a shrug. “It would be nice to begin rebuilding my core army around a central figure. I have plans for Blossom, but she lacks the mind of a predator. If he does make a good soldier, I would like him.”

“If you befriend him, you keep him,” Celestia said with a nod. “Now go. Applejack should be heading to bed soon.”

“At once.”

The memory ended and I found myself back in the field with the others. “They were planning to use me from the start!” I shouted.

“They were,” Reason said. “But Luna never did ask about your homeland. Not really.”

“Maybe she thought I was untrustworthy. At the time, I kinda was. I didn’t put much value on truth.”

“What does this new revelation add to this night?” my guide asked.

“Anger,” I said. “Luna went into this from the beginning planning to use me. She never thought it was worth mentioning.”

“Be careful with your rage,” Fear said. “You might draw something here.”

“I don’t give a fuck. I’m here to draw everything out and confront it. Luna and Celestia both planned to use me from the start and that fucking pisses me off!”

“Feed that anger,” Blaze’s voice whispered. I looked around, but didn’t see him. “You had suspicions from the start that they were up to something. Why would a princess ever come to see you? Did you really believe her lies? You let them use you!”

“I guess that makes Blaze my anger,” I said. “I don’t really know too many angry people, so it makes sense. You’re right, I did let them use me. I honestly didn’t have much of a choice. In Equestria, you obey the princesses or you disappear. And that completely incensed me! It made me get up and do something about it!”

“But not with anger,” Reason said before Anger could pipe up. “You used logic and reasoning to get to where you are, not rage.”

“Yeah, but this little thing was a wakeup call. I should have gotten angry sooner. I should have done something sooner. I acted as Celestia’s tool for far too long!”

Blaze finally appeared with a burst of fire, standing closer to me than the other two. “You are a human, Navarone! Rage is what makes humans move! It is not reason. It is not fear. Anger gets attention. It gets movement. It gets results! You have been passive for too long. You have forgotten your rage!”

“I have,” I said. “I’ve forgotten my rage. I’ve forgotten my passion! I’ve forgotten how to live and feel. You are all here to remind me. This,” I said, waving my hand toward the other me. “This is a slap in the face. This is my wakeup call. I’m done drifting. I’m done being asleep. I’m done being used and I’m done being someone’s tool. You are going to make me the leader this world needs and I am going to drag it into the future, kicking and screaming!”

“Are you ready to continue?” my guide asked.

“Lead the way.”

Her eyes flashed again. The scene vanished first, then all the apparitions went with it.

The next place we appeared was Pinkie’s bedroom. Three ponies were on the floor, playing spin the bottle. I was one of them. Pinkie and Rarity were my two abusers, both of whom were smiling at the uncomfortable look on my face.

“Oh, my first rape,” I said. “Just what I wanted to see.” I walked over and sat on the bed, sighing.

Kat suddenly appeared and placed an arm around my shoulders. “They hurt you,” she whispered, snuggling up against me.

“They broke you,” Spike said on my other side, placing his arm around my back.

“They used you,” Fear said from behind me, placing her hooves on my shoulders.

“So that’s Fear,” I said. “Spike’s a dragon, so… Pride?”

“Correct, I am Pride,” he said.

“I am Pain,” Kat said, slashing my face with her claws. It hurt, but I didn’t bleed.

“My friends betrayed me this night,” I said. “They knew I wasn’t interested in mares. That didn’t stop them from using hormones against me. They may have meant well, but it still sickens me that someone who could call me a friend would do such a thing.”

“And yet you were afraid to push them away,” Fear said. “Afraid to say anything. Afraid to tell anyone…”

“With your pride shattered, you felt weaker than ever,” Pride said. “Betrayed by friends and you had no one to tell…”

“They hurt you in a way no one since ever could,” Pain said. “It was utterly delicious!”

Great, she’s psychotic here, too. “I’d say it was pretty shitty. So, do we have a memory attached to this one?”

“We do,” Pride said. One of his scaly claws went up to my forehead and I saw Pinkie’s room again, this time with just Pinkie and Rarity.

“I know you’re in estrus too!” Pinkie whispered. “There’s a sexy hunk of a stallion right in my bathroom! C’mon, why are you trying to stop me?”

“It’s Nav!” Rarity hissed. “You know he isn’t into mares! Every time I try to talk to him about dating Twilight, he immediately shuts me down.”

“To be fair, I wouldn’t date Twilight either.”

“That’s neither here nor there. You shouldn’t be trying to snatch Twilight’s prize.”

“He won’t be much of a prize if he never starts to think of ponies as possible partners, silly. You should have seen how he was acting earlier, before you arrived. He’s actually been flirting with me! Maybe the reason he never thought of us as partners is because we never tried giving him a chance. He needs this, Rarity. He’s been here so long, all alone, without any real physical contact… He barely lets us hug him, he hates my parties, he barely talks and when he does, most of it’s negative, and it’s so obvious he’s in pain. But now’s our chance to wake him up, Rarity. Now’s our chance to try and help him. He’s a pony, like us. We need to show him that he’s really one of us. Maybe we can convince him to stay like this!”

“I don’t like the idea of convincing him to stay. This body is torture for that poor colt. But… if he was flirting with you… perhaps he’s warming up to us. Fine. We’ll give him the choice.” Her horn lit up and two roses appeared. “We’ll do Ponyville’s traditional formal proposal. If he accepts, we… sooth our estrus. Perhaps Twilight will thank us for teaching her prize more about how to please a mare.”

“It’s a win-win for everypony!” Pinkie said, grabbing the rose with a hoof.

The vision faded, putting me back in the room with the spirits and ponies.

“Well, that makes me feel just about as conflicted as before,” I said. “Like I said, I knew they had good intentions. I didn’t know Twilight staked her claim so early, though.”

“What Rarity wanted for you and what Twilight actually felt might have been two very different things,” Reason said.

“That’s true. Rarity’s a typical pony. Whatever she thinks is the best outcome becomes the truth to her, regardless of the actual facts. Twilight may have mentioned a crush or Rarity might have just been completely imagining things in her psychosis.”

“They hurt you, Navi,” Pain said. “They conspired together against you, knowing your aversions…”

“That’s not what I just heard,” I said. “Rarity had misgivings. Pinkie was just reacting to my advances. Neither of them realized that the pheromones might be an issue until it was too late. I won’t deny that I’m pissed that it happened, but I honestly don’t know if I can keep blaming them for it. They did what they thought was best, what they thought I wanted.”

“They destroyed your confidence,” Pride said. “They—”

“Made a mistake,” I butted in. “A stupid mistake. A mistake they both absolutely regret and have apologized for more times than I can remember. This event hurt me. It broke me in ways I might not ever fully understand. But I’m tired of living with it hanging over me.” I hopped off the bed and walked over to the three ponies on the floor. They were currently frozen in time, so I stared at Rarity for a few seconds before moving my gaze to Pinkie. “I told you both that I forgave you. I wanted to, for so long, but a part of me was always holding back, despite what I said. I’m finally ready to let go. This broke me… but I can mend. I can forgive. I can let go. I can… move forward.”

“You would so casually let go of your rage?” Anger whispered. I looked around the room, but he hadn’t actually appeared. That was a good thing, because her room wasn’t all that large and it was already kinda crowded.

“What part of entering a coma that I might never escape from specifically to cleanse my mind and move forward screams casual to you?” I asked. “I knew I would be making tough choices. I’m prepared for the consequences of those decisions. This choice isn’t casual. It’s just a long time coming. I can’t let the past haunt me forever, not when the people involved have changed for the better. I’m ready to move on. There’s nothing left for me here.”

“So be it,” the guide said. Her eyes flashed and we disappeared.

The next place we appeared was the palace at Canterlot. Celestia and I were just walking into the gardens. Looking at the awkward and somewhat scared expression on my face, I’d guess it was the day we first met.

The guide nodded. “This was, in fact, the first time you met,” she said. “Breakfast was your first conversation with Celestia. She took you to the gardens after, to begin measuring you.”

“She wasn’t the only one being judged,” Reason said from behind me. I looked that way to find Twilight, Luna, and Taya standing together. “You were rapidly forming your own opinions, weren’t you?”

“I was,” I said. “The mask she was wearing here did its job. After meeting her, I went home feeling good. I thought I was safe.”

“Did you?” Fear asked. “You saw cracks in her mask. Those cracks worried you. You saw even more in Luna’s mask.”

“You hoped this was it,” Taya said. “You wanted this to be the end of your interactions with Celestia. She invited you back, but you hoped to never make the journey again.”

“So I’m guessing you’re hope?” I said. She nodded. “Huh. Figured you’d be love. Maybe that’s Cadance, then. You’re right, I did hope I never had to see Celestia again. I hoped she was on the up and up, but I had my doubts.”

“You knew someone as ancient as her couldn’t possibly have such an upbeat personality,” Reason said. “You suspected this was just a mask.”

“...I did,” I said. “At the time, I didn’t know what was underneath it. But most of the stories Twilight told me conflicted with what I saw. The mare I met that day was delightful and pleasant. It was disguising something so disgusting and horrific that if I knew at the time, I probably wouldn’t have been able to contain my fear.”

“They dashed your hopes with a smile on their face,” my fake daughter said. “They slowly let you in, draining you little by little. This was where the first hooks began inserting themselves.”

“Even back then, after you first met her, you were still suspicious of Luna’s motives,” Fear said. “And you had every reason to be.” Once again, her hoof pressed itself against my face.

Celestia and Luna were in the anteroom of Celestia’s bedchambers. “I brought him as you asked, sister,” Luna said. “What did you make of him?”

“His behavior is interesting. His manners certainly need work. He’s extremely bitter, depressed, and lonely. He also has some amount of charm, when he chooses to use it. He seems clever, but not well trained. He thinks he hides his emotions well, but I was able to read him fairly easily.”

“He mentioned his city holding millions. He mentioned a global market.”

“...And he wasn’t lying,” Celestia sighed. “There is more to his past than flights of fancy, as Twilight seemed to think. With only one intelligent race on their planet, they must have accomplished much.”

“What strikes me are the similarities in our worlds, according to what he’s told Twilight,” Luna said. “So much seems the same…”

“He’s obviously noticed it, too. I have a suspicion Nav is from somewhere closer than we first thought. It’s entirely possible that Twilight found some manner of time spell that let her take something from the far future, where signs of our influence are still around but everyone has forgotten about us. If that is the case, it could be that his race is the one that wipes ours out.”

“I’ve never heard of anything like him before,” Luna said.

“There are intelligent primates in Africa,” Celestia said. “I’ll send orders for my agents there to begin learning more about them. It’s possible there’s an undiscovered species somewhere that we haven’t yet found.”

“Perhaps that is why our expeditions far to the south have all failed,” Luna said. “And why so many parties we send into Africa never return…”

“I have suspicions about the land south of us, but I have no idea what could be in Africa. There are a few nobles here in Canterlot I need to get rid of. I think I’ll find an excuse to send some of them there, where they can do less harm and more good.”

“In the meantime, what will we do about Navarone?”

“Some of the things he said made me agree with your assessment. He is likely from a warrior culture that extolls killing to at least some degree. He is yours to do with as you please, as long as you keep him in check.”

“Excellent! I was hoping you would say that. I already have plans for how to make him mine!”

“Don’t be too hasty. Wait until after the Gala. I will arrange for him to be there. Spend some time with him in a formal setting and see how he behaves. If it’s too rough, he’ll need to stay in Ponyville until Twilight can finish teaching him manners.”

“As you command. How did you actually feel about him?”

“Cautiously optimistic. I believe he could be of great use, if we can get around his rough edges.”

Luna smiled and shook her head. “That isn’t what I meant. What did you think about him? His personality? You told me to befriend him. Do you think you would do the same?”

“It’s possible. His perspective is a breath of fresh air, at the very least. I definitely plan to have more talks with him.”

Luna’s grin deepened. “I’m glad to know you approve. Now, I shall let you get some sleep.”

The memory faded away, leaving me staring at the other me and Celestia being surrounded by animals. “Wow,” I said, shaking my head. “Just wow. And these memories are actually real?”

“They are,” the guide said. “Brought to you by the link you share with Luna. How does this new revelation make you feel?”

“Honestly? Kinda pissed. Where’s Anger?”

“It’s been a long time since you willingly summoned me,” he said as he appeared.

“Yeah, well, that shit was fucked up.”

“Don’t give in to anger,” Reason said. “It may make you feel better, but you will solve nothing if you live your life in rage.”

“Yeah, but when I mix my anger with my reason? That’s when I get results. You two need to start getting along. I feel like I’ll take considerably less shit if I start showing my anger more. I’m tired of having to avoid stepping on toes or offending people. I’m tired of all my behaviors being dictated by others. I’m tired of so very much and this coma will be the end of all of it. Bringing all of you in balance is what that means. I can no longer pretend to be emotionless. I can no longer bury everything.”

“Well said,” Anger replied, clapping me on the shoulder. “Stop hiding me! Show the whole world the power of your rage!”

“Oh, I most definitely will,” I said. “I will turn Tartarus into a bloodbath the likes of which this world has never seen. I will cement my name in Equestria’s legends. I will force the world into peace. I’m tired of being passive. It’s time to be active. It’s time to lead.”

“I really hope you know what you’re doing,” Hope said.

“I made the backup for a reason. It’s easy to be blindly confident when you have a save-state. And to be honest, I really can’t make myself worse. So let’s move on.”

My guide’s eyes lit up and we vanished once more.

Instead of appearing in another memory, we showed up in the glade. “Something is changing,” the Flo lookalike said. “Shortly after you arrived, your body was mutilated. Things are growing back, but something… new is in your mind.”

“What do you mean, in my mind?” I asked. “Did Hera or Athena do something to me?”

“No, this isn’t an external influence. This is something… growing inside you.”

“Well, I am part plant. Is it having any kind of effect on me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, nothing I can do about it from here. Shall we continue?”

“As you wish.” Her eyes flashed and we took off again.

Our next stop was my first Gala, which wasn’t really too surprising. “This is where Luna and I had our first kiss,” I said, crossing my arms. In fact, she and pony-me were in the process of walking back out into the maze. I sighed and followed.

“This is when you knew something was amiss,” Reason said.

“You still hoped you could walk away clean,” Hope said.

“But you had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen,” Fear sighed.

“Still though, kissing a princess did kinda make you feel pretty good,” Pride said, chuckling.

“Can’t deny that,” I said. “Though kissing a horse felt weird as fuck. At this point, I very heavily suspected she had a crush on me. I just tried denying it to myself and pretending otherwise because I really didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t know how to tell her. I was also afraid to tell her.”

“There’s no telling what an ancient, possibly evil princess might do to one who spurns her advances,” Fear said. It was really weird hearing Luna talking about herself like that.

“She seemed reasonable enough,” Taya said. “You hoped she would realize you weren’t worth it and leave you be.”

“You knew there was no way it could ever end well, even if you were interested,” Twilight said. “You would be recreating the beauty and the beast.”

“Don’t call Luna a beast,” I said. “That’s rude.”

“You never even thought to capitalize on it,” Pride said. “You never even thought to try and make her yours! You could have been a prince!”

“I thought horses were gross, especially after my experience with Rarity and Ponka. So what’s the memory here?”

“There are two,” Fear said. I stopped and turned to them. She lifted her hoof up and poked me in the face.

Celestia and Luna greeted me once again. This time, they were in Luna’s dreary room. “So how was your night?” Celestia asked.

“It started well but ended poorly,” Luna said, looking fairly depressed. “Stealing him away from Twilight was easy and I quickly found a way to make him my date, but he… does not seem to return my feelings…”

“What feelings?” Celestia immediately asked.

Luna realized what she said and her face lit up red. “F-forgive me, that was the… w-wrong word. I’m still relearning my vocabulary… He doesn’t seem interested in working for me.”

“Patience, sister,” Celestia said. “Always have patience. Tell me what he did.”

“Well, I decided it would be better to see how he behaves when I know he is on his best behavior. Getting him in the position of my date accomplished that. He knew what was at stake and handled himself admirably. He told off a hussy who tried to steal him from me and he danced with me as though it was second nature. And yet…”

“And yet…? What did he do to make you feel so dejected?”

“I was… I was told that dates normally… end with a kiss. I was also told that the stallion usually initiates… When he did not, I took matters into my own hooves…”

“You kissed him?! Tell me there were no witnesses!”

“We were alone in the maze. There was no way anyone could see.”

Celestia sighed in relief. “I don’t know why you would do such a thing. So you kissed him and yet you still feel down?”

Luna sighed and looked down. “The look of pure shock and… other things… on his face told me everything I needed to know…”

“Of course he was shocked! You’re a princess! You shouldn’t be going around and kissing anyone! He’s probably horrified of what would happen if I found out!”

“Well, now you know. He has no interest in me…”

“Because he was shocked that you kissed him? Luna, he just spent the night as your date, making you look good in front of everyone. From the whispers I’ve heard, your reputation will be getting quite the boost from this. He’s perfect for you. Continue moving forward. He will make a wonderful agent.”

“I am… not so sure that is wise. He has made no hostile actions toward any sapient creatures so far, at least as far as I know. It seems he just wishes to live his life in peace. Perhaps we should leave him be.”

“He was fully prepared to kill a monster hunter who came after him,” Celestia said. “He had his weapon prepared and seemed utterly confident that he could win, despite the hunter being a unicorn. Given how you described it, I would not be surprised if he could win. If Twilight was able to prepare this weapon off a basic description Nav gave her, imagine what he could create for us if we gave him real resources!”

“I truly don’t get the feeling he wants to serve me. He just wants to be my friend!”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Luna, part of what you’re supposed to be doing right now is making him want to serve you. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t still be your friend. But always remember that you are a princess. He, as a citizen of Equestria, is your servant by default. Don’t be afraid to remind him.”

“That isn’t what friendship is about. Nav and Twilight both have taught me that.”

“Hm. Perhaps this was a mistake. Fine, then. If you want to let an asset with such potential go to waste, we can leave him to his own devices. Put him out of your mind, Luna. Focus back on your normal duties.” Luna’s eyes slammed wide open. Celestia finally stood and started walking out.

“W-wait! He’s my friend! Can’t I still see him?!”

“Why?” Celestia asked, looking back. “You can make plenty of friends here in Canterlot. Friends who actually know their place in society.”

“That also isn’t how friendship works! Twilight told me that friendship is special, that you can’t just throw it away! How could I just abandon him now?”

Celestia finally turned back to face her sister. “Did you read the report about his homeland?” she asked. “No royalty. Do you know why?”

“I didn’t see that report, no.”

“His people fought a rebellion against their royals and won. They’ve been living free of any royal control for a few hundred years. That kind of thinking is poison, Luna. He talks about it freely, about how wonderful living in a country ruled by other citizens is. It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that he refuses to obey you. He would likely refuse to obey half the orders I’d think to give him, too. But do you know what that means?”

“...I do not.”

“If something is poisoning your nation, you get rid of it. Navarone has an unknown amount of knowledge with the mindset of a revolutionary and a personality jaded and depressed enough to match. I’m giving you two choices, Luna: You either tame him or you make sure he has an accident on one of his hunting trips.”

“W-what?” Luna whispered.

“That is how you handle threats. Perhaps you forgot in your time on the moon. I’ll give you time to think about your choices. Good night, Luna.” Her horn lit up and she vanished. A few seconds later, Luna actually started crying.

The memory faded away and I woke up to Luna kissing the other me on the mouth. “Holy fucking shit that was evil,” I said. “I am so glad we killed her!”

“As an aside, Celestia was lying,” the guide said. “She is good at it, but her body language still gives it away. She did not intend to actually kill you. She was just manipulating her sister into continuing to work on you.”

“Is that supposed to make it better?”

“I do not know. I was merely providing context.”

“So, what are we gonna do?” I asked, looking back to the aspects. “We gonna talk about this memory first or are we gonna view the second memory now?”

“What would you have done if you had this context?” Reason asked.

“I don’t know. Nobody would have believed me. I guess if I knew Celestia was thinking about killing me this early on, I would have just become Luna’s servant and did whatever they wanted. It might not have been glamorous, but it would have been better than being dead. Of course, knowing what I know now, I’m glad I didn’t go down that path.”

“Fear would have ruled your mind,” the fake Luna said. “It would have confirmed everything you suspected about the sisters. Perhaps running would have been a better option…”

“Where?” I asked. “And how? I had no money. I didn’t really have any way of getting much. Going south to Mexico would be too dangerous. North to Gryphus would have been an option, but that’s so close they could easily find me. Getting across the ocean would require money and even then, the only place I could safely go away from Celestia and Luna would be China. Running was never an option.”

“Perhaps you should have led a revolution,” Anger whispered.

“At the time, I thought Luna was my friend. I didn’t want to hurt her. And more, I still had my doubts about the sun and moon. I wasn’t completely sure that they were lying. I couldn’t risk being wrong.”

“So did you take anything away from this memory?” the guide asked.

“Yes. Luna fell for me harder than I realized. Celestia didn’t realize at all, or so it seemed. Also, Celestia was even more of a bitch than I realized. That was legitimately evil and I honestly feel sorry for Luna. I was angry at her earlier and a part of me still is, but it’s being overtaken by pity.”

“There are still more memories to come,” Reason said. “Are you ready for the next?”

“Sure.” Her hoof was the next to poke me in the face, though she had to stand on her tippy-hooves to make it.

This memory was taking place in Twilight’s bedroom in the library. She was lying on the bed, looking all kinds of depressed. Dash was lying next to her, a wing over her back. “Come on, Twi,” Dashie said. “It couldn’t have been that bad! Just tell me!”

Twilight sighed and laid her head down on the bed. “He left me there by myself…”

“What?! Where did he go?!”

“Luna stole him away,” she sighed, rolling away from Dash. “We weren’t even there five minutes before she snatched him!”

“What do you mean, snatched him?” she asked.

“She ordered him to accompany her! She wanted to use him to keep annoying ponies away from her!”

“Wow, talk about rude!”

“That’s just what she said, though,” Twilight said, rolling back toward the prismatic lesbo. “She turned him into a pony and then paraded him around as her date!”

“What?! She stole your date for herself?!”

“Yes!”

Dash jumped right out of the bed. “I’m gonna go give her a piece of my mind!”

“No!” Twilight jumped right down and grabbed Dash’s tail as she tried to fly out. “It’s the princess!”

“Fine, then I’ll go give Nav a piece of my mind! I can’t believe he cheated on you on your first date!”

“W-well… About that…” Twilight dropped Dash’s tail and used the hoof to awkward rub at her neck.

“What about that?” Dash slowly asked.

“W-well… I never actually… asked, so to say…”

“What do you mean you never asked? You two went together, didn’t you?”

“Well, yes, but…”

“But what? You went together. That makes it a date!”

“Not when you tell him very clearly that it’s just a cultural showcase and a chance to let the ponies of Canterlot see him…”

Dash finally turned around to just stare at Twilight. “You never actually told him it was a date?” she finally asked.

“...I was too shy.”

“Wow. And I thought Fluttershy was bad. At least it’s in her name! You can’t complain about another mare stealing your stallion if he doesn’t even know he’s yours! And you can’t be mad at another mare stealing your stallion if she doesn’t even know he’s yours!”

“I know!” Twilight sighed and looked down. “But it still hurts…”

“Don’t let it,” Dash said. “This just means he’s worth pursuing! If even a princess is going for him, there has to be something there! But it means you have competition now.”

“C-competition?! What?!”

“Luna, duh! If she took Nav as a date, that makes her your competition. So we’ll have to work together to keep them away from each other. We also have to make sure she doesn’t get any chances to impress him.”

“B-but… We can’t do that to the princess!”

“Why not? She’s trying to snatch your prize, Twilight! You can’t just let that stand! If you want him, you gotta fight for him.”

“...Wow. I never thought I’d be competing with a princess.”

“I don’t know if I’d call it a competition. Luna seems weird and creepy. You’re cute and cuddly! There’s no way a cool guy like Nav would ever go for her. Honestly, I bet she just ordered him to date her.”

“...She didn’t have to really pressure him that hard to get him to leave.”

“Why would she? You were dragging him there for some boring cultural crap! He was probably just looking for an excuse to leave. The Summer Wrap Up festival is coming up soon. Why don’t you try to take him on a date then?”

“That’s a great idea! It’s another perfect cultural event, so—”

“You’re going to ask him to join you there. As a date. And if you wuss out, I’ll do it for you!”

“W-what?!”

“Or should I just go tell him right now?” she asked with a smirk. “C’mon, Twilight! He’s just a few meters away, probably feeling all kinds of lonely… You could have him all to yourself right now if you only just asked!”

“It has to be the perfect moment! Nav’s thoughts on ponies are still… delicate. I can’t just casually ask him out!”

“Sure you can. Either he says yes or he says no. If he says no, you wait a few more months until he’s been here longer and is more desperate and you ask again. If he still says no, he’s gay and we’ll let Rarity know so she can set him up with the perfect stallion.”

“I’m extremely confident that Nav is straight,” she said. “I just don’t think he’s interested in other species, which I suppose I can understand. I just hope he gets over it, because the local human dating pool is nonexistent.”

“Maybe we should let Pinkie take a crack at him,” Dash said. “After a night or two with her, he’ll be a lot more open-minded.

“No, I want his first time with a pony to be special. Besides, he really doesn’t seem to like Pinkie.”

“Nah, Pinkie said he’s just faking. I mean, she annoys me sometimes too, but nopony could ever dislike her! Now, if you want his first time to be special, you need to make sure it’s with you. There’s no telling what Luna might do to him after a thousand years with no practice. That means you need to actually ask him out. The clock is ticking, Twilight. The princess won’t wait forever.”

“...She won’t. I’ve been stopping Nav from getting a few of her letters, including the invitation she sent him to the Gala. After Nightmare Night, I told her about every other major festival Ponyville has, so she also knows it’s coming up…”

“Then you better think of a way to ask, and fast.”

Twilight sighed and hung her head. “I know…”

The memory faded away, dropping us back in the maze. Luna and the other me were both gone.

“Luna did end up beating her to the punch,” I said. “I remember Twilight asking me what I was doing that day, now. She did seem more nervous than usual, and she also seemed very down when I told her that Luna already asked me to join her.”

“Who would you have preferred?” Reason asked.

“That’s a very good question. At the time, I thought Twilight was annoying, preachy, short- and narrow-minded, and kind of a bitch at times. I thought Luna was spooky sometimes, but the fact that she was a princess scared me even more. Luna’s personality fit me better, but the thought of being a prince was way too much for me. Of course, the thought of being Nerdlight Sporkle’s permanent magical experiment didn’t appeal, either. Half the shit she asked me to do was horrifying and the other half was just dumb. I guess Luna, but only barely. The more I think about either option, the more I wish I had just settled on Fluttershy and dedicated my life to pacifism.”

“And throw away all that you accomplished?” Pride asked.

“I was going on the assumption that I had to pick. And if I had to pick, Fluttershy would probably have been it. Honestly, I thought most of them were trying to hook me up with her, not Twilight. I had no idea that everyone was in on it except me. To be honest, I’m surprised she decided to try and compete with Luna, though she definitely didn’t try very hard. Obviously things turned out way better than if I had dedicated myself to Fluttershy and stayed away from all the trouble in the world.”

“And how does the knowledge that your friends conspired against you like this make you feel?” Fear asked.

“It’s not surprising,” I replied with a shrug. “Though I wouldn’t call this conspiring. It’s mildly insulting in some respects, but it’s honestly something I’d expect from the ponies. I took a lot away from the first memory, but this one didn’t really do much for me aside from confirm a suspicion.”

“Then shall we move on?” my guide asked.

“One second.” I walked over to Hope so I could pick her up and snuggle her. She was sitting there looking all cute and cuddly, so I just couldn’t resist. As soon as I touched her, my mood soared and I felt like I could do anything!

“It might not be wise to touch those things,” my guide decided to say after I touched one of them.

“Your cuddles are nice,” Hope sighed. “I hope they never stop…”

That sounded like a pretty good reason to stop. I set the filly back down. The euphoria immediately started leaving me.

“So what’s next?” I asked.

Summer Wrap Up, apparently. My guide and I found ourselves standing in front of a large ferris wheel. Luna and the other me were just getting on. “This is when Luna first tried really coming onto me,” I said. “She took me up there where I couldn’t get away. The only reason she didn’t manage to kiss me again is because she waited too long to seize her chance.” I turned around before anyone could speak up, expecting to see some people behind me, but nobody was there.

“It scared you,” Fear said from behind me. I turned around again and sure enough, there they were. This time it was just Fear and Pain. “You felt utterly helpless.”

“I could feel my heart sink straight through my stomach,” I said. “What she did utterly terrified me. And then Rainbow Dash came to the rescue… sort of.”

“And then Luna sent an animal to attack you,” Pain said. “It bypassed everyone else and bounded straight toward you. She wanted a chance to save your life, to make you desire her.”

“Fluttershy ran and hid, which is completely understandable. Dash went straight in the air. I tried to get Luna to fly with me, but she attacked instead. And instead of using magic to deal with it quickly, she tried showing off by kicking it. And then Dash accidentally hit Luna instead of the monster, letting it come straight for me. By the time Luna could save me, I was already unconscious.”

“Your first real brush with death here in Equestria,” Pain said. “Your first wake up call that maybe not everything in Equestria was as it seemed, especially given what happened when you saw Celestia and she confirmed that Luna did it on purpose, and then attempted to gain revenge with a moth.”

“Oh, are we not gonna sit through that one?” I asked. “Awesome, I was hoping we’d skip it. So, what memory do we have with this one? I bet it’s another Celestia and Luna one, isn’t it?” Luna’s hoof reached up to poke me.

Sure enough, it was another Celestia and Luna memory. This time, they were in their dining room. It looked like Luna might have been crying. “I need you to tell me exactly what you’ve been up to and why,” Celestia said. “You’re making things… difficult.”

“...You told me to hasten things with Navarone. I attempted to do so. I failed.”

“Exactly what you’ve been up to, Luna. And why. There’s clearly more to this than my request.”

“Your order! Or more like your threat!” Celestia didn’t rise to the bait, just lifted an eyebrow. “The day of the festival, I went into the Everfree and enchanted a beast to attack Nav on my order. I tried to persuade Nav to… to work with me, but I failed. I called in the beast. I hoped that if I could save Nav’s life, he would feel indebted to me. It did not work out.”

“Clearly. Rainbow Dash accidentally hit you, leaving the monster clear to hit Nav. But that was not all. Why did you send that moth?”

“Rainbow Dash was a threat to my pursuit of Nav. She needed to be put in her place. A little paralytic venom would slow her down for a while. Maybe give her a little… perspective.”

“...You do have feelings for him, don’t you?”

“What?!”

“He knows you do, Luna. It was obvious as day, after you tried to kiss him again!”

“He… he knows how I feel?”

“Of course he does. Nav may be inexperienced, but he is no fool.”

“Did he… Did he say—”

“He’s not interested. Horrified at the thought of it, to be honest. Put this silly crush of yours out of your mind, Luna. Even if he did return your feelings, it could never be.”

“H-horrified?” she whispered.

“Oh, yes. Or at least, he seemed to be. I can see why he would be intimidated.”

“W-what? Why?!”

“Because you’re ancient. He’s practically just a baby in comparison. You have to admit how immature he is. That would not be a good partnership. Put it out of your mind. Get back to thinking about how we can put him to use. If you find yourself incapable, I’ll do it myself. And if I find myself incapable, then I will take it upon myself to make him disappear.”

“Why can’t you just leave him be?”

“Any one being living in my kingdom who is not subservient to me is a threat, Luna,” she said. “Especially when that one being is an unknown species with unknown knowledge that comes from a world without royalty. Navarone is dangerous. He will either be put to use or he will be put down. So, are you ready to put this nonsense crush of yours behind you and get back to work?”

“...Fine.” Her horn lit up and she vanished.

Celestia shook her head and sighed. “That poor human… I know! I’ll send Twilight a letter. A Pinkie Party would surely make him feel better!”

The memory faded away, revealing Pain hugging me tight. “Oooh, you feel so wonderful!” she whispered.

As soon as she finished talking, my body started aching. I immediately pushed her away. “Yeah, you’re gonna need to stay hands-off. So, once again, Celestia was a complete and total cunt. I’m very glad she’s dead. And again, I kinda feel sorry for Luna, even though she got me attacked by an animal and attempted to poison Dashie. I had no idea she knew I was horrified of her. I can’t believe Celestia treated her like this. It sure does explain a lot, though.”

“How does this revelation affect you?” the guide asked.

“It gives me more to talk to Luna about, but I don’t know if I’d say it really affected me all too much. At this point, it’s exactly what I was expecting. The two sisters were working together behind my back the whole time. At some point, Luna decided she wanted my hot monkey dick and she stopped trying to recruit me. That made Celestia irate, but apparently she still didn’t actually want to make me disappear. If I remember right, this was around when I started thinking of Celestia as the more reasonable sister.”

“Neither sister was the reasonable sister,” Fear said. “You learned that lesson far too late.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Celestia did a lot of horrible things to me, but I came out on top in the end.”

“She didn’t cause much physical harm, but she caused lasting mental and emotional harm,” Pain said.

“She did. That’s what we’re here to fix. Now that I know she was conspiring against me from the start, I feel much better about what happened. For a while, I thought it was what I did with the naga that piqued her interest in me, and that it was my own fault that I got stuck in Egypt.”

“Why were you afraid of Luna’s desires?” Fear asked. “Why were you afraid to return her love?”

“I wasn’t afraid to return her love,” I said. “I was afraid that I couldn’t. At the time, I wasn’t ready to love a pony. I felt that was unfair to Luna. Also, I actually was intimidated by the thought of an ancient goddess-princess falling for me. I thought she was either making some kind of huge mistake or she was trying to use me. I didn’t look quite as bad as a deviantart OC back then, so I didn’t expect things like princesses falling for me.”

“It was wise of you to think she was trying to use you,” Pain said. “After all, what else about you would attract anyone, let alone a princess?”

“The fact that I’m a human and that they’re half-fae. That little bit of knowledge goes a long way to add perspective to everything that happened, and it gives me an idea for how to move forward. I think the fact that I’m so promiscuous is driving everyone even more insane than usual, because they think my affections are easy to gain and keep. I need to pick someone.”

“Or more than one person,” the guide said.

“As tempting as that is, I’m not sure even that would be a good idea,” I said. “Having two means more could always be invited in. For stability, I might need to marry exactly one. I’ll have to decide that based on the memories I see. Now that I know what to look for, it should be more obvious.”

“Why would you ever want to marry?” Pain asked. “It’s not like anyone could ever stay with you, half-fae or not.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” I said. “There will be way too much pressure to keep things going, for political reasons if nothing else. That’s why I need to make the right choice. This coma is giving me valuable perspective.”

“Of course, that Celestia is no longer an option,” my guide said. “Nor is Luna, I would hope.”

“No, but this is showing me why I need to get married. Celestia didn’t have anyone as an equal to keep her centered through the ages. If I’m going to last anywhere near that long, I need someone I can intimately work with, especially if my very presence destabilizes everyone. That basically narrows the playing field to people who have the ability to live a while. Unless they’re willing to take Jonathan as an elemental, which would let them live forever.”

“Flo would like to interject for a moment,” the guide said. “Just to add some information. Jonathan’s hosts lived forever because he took them over fully, including their minds. He could elongate Twilight’s life for longer than a water, but she wouldn’t be immortal unless he took her mind.”

“Well, she doesn’t need immortality, she just needs enough time to match me. Plus there’s the necromantic option, if she can stomach it.”

“Another offering, this time from Aqua: Taya knows how to make the seed potion. You could grant any partner of your choice the same immortality you have, as long as they’re willing.”

“Well, great, now we’re back to square one,” I said. “Then I guess we’ll just have to narrow it down as we go. Let’s move on to the snake-fish-man rape.”

Fake Flo’s eyes lit up and we once again appeared back in the anteroom place. “It is time for a warning. I mentioned earlier that some beings you meet might be hostile. In this realm, emotional pain is more significant than physical pain. What you went through with the naga might cause something to happen here.”

“I’ll be on guard,” I said with a nod. “Will you be able to help me?”

“All I can do is remind you that nothing you see here is real. That said, while the apparitions themselves might not be real, there are real consequences for what happens here. Hostile entities can take on many forms. Some are beneficial to defeat. Others could be detrimental. You must decide whether to leave something be or make sure it can no longer affect you.”

“Wouldn’t the obvious choice be to leave it be?” I asked.

“You once held the idea that one should never take a life. Thou shalt not murder. You will be confronted with the decision you made. And then there was the rape, which might well spawn demons of its own.”

Weird that the other rape scene didn’t, but I guess that wasn’t as horrifying, just slightly more traumatic. “Well, let’s do it.”

Her eyes lit up again and we appeared standing on the wall above the hostile naga encampment. The other me was standing a few meters away, looking into the camp. Before, my eyes were useless at night and I could barely see a thing. Now, I could plainly see the fear on my face. My hand was gripping the dagger so tightly it was shaking.

Finally, my fake’s wings rose and the other me jumped off the side, silently landing among a group of soldiers. My real wings lifted and the real me joined him. My guide did not follow us.

Watching me standing over the naga was… eerie. I could see the conflict on my face. I didn’t want to do it. But I had offered my services, I had promised Pinkie I would help, and I was already in too deep to back out.

After what felt like forever, my original self knelt down and wasted no more time.

Almost immediately after the naga’s throat was slit, his eyes very obviously lost their light. The other me continued quickly, not wanting to see it. Yet I couldn’t make myself look away. “Was it worth it?” I finally asked.

“Was it?” the dead naga whispered back. “You murdered us all. No warning. No attempts to talk. You slit our throats in our sleep and then burned our families alive.”

“The other naga were depending on me. I made a deal with them.”

“Was it worth it?” another dead naga whispered, the next one I had slain. “There was a single survivor to your massacre. You became a hero overnight… yet all you felt was hollowness.”

“Was it worth it?” the third asked. “I had a family. I had a hope of a better life. I never threatened you or yours. I just wanted to fight for a place.”

“You were attempting to steal a home that was not yours. I was told only one side of the story and honestly didn’t see a need to bother getting the other side.”

“You justify your crimes,” the fourth said. “Yet even you have to ask yourself… was it worth it?”

“What other choice did I have? Doing nothing? Because the naga didn’t exactly seem like they were in a hurry to let any of us leave. They wanted help to deal with you. In exchange, they offered to let us all go. Dealing with the known evil seemed like a much better idea than risking talking to someone who might slice me in half the instant I show my face, especially given most naga seem to innately mistrust winged beings.”

“You could have offered parley,” the fifth said. “You could have offered to negotiate. A neutral third party could have helped form an alliance, allowing peace between the two clans!”

“If you were interested in peace, you should have come in peace. This was a warband. Was it worth it? I honestly don’t know. And I can safely say that I probably never will. I can ask myself what could have been all day and every day. But I need to start living in reality. And the reality is that I did kill you. Whether or not it was worth it will never be a fact, a part of reality. It will always be subjective. And to be honest, it’s a subjective point that I don’t think I’ll ever reach a conclusion about. This was the first time I killed something sapient. I probably could have looked for a better solution, but given the information I had and the choices I was presented, I chose what I thought would be the most advantageous to me and the people I wanted to help. It caused a stain on my soul. Hell, it literally caused me to be haunted. There are more desirable results, surely. But more realistic results? I don’t think anybody could answer that. One way or another, a bloodbath was always possible. I just did my best to make it as one-sided as possible.”

“It led to Celestia forcing you into Egypt,” the guide said.

“Did it? It seems to me that her mind was already made up. This was just the excuse she used. If I hadn’t done it, I’m sure she would have found a way to get me there anyway. And if it wasn’t Egypt, it would have been something equally as unpleasant, like spending extra time with Twilight or Luna.”

“You murdered us,” all the dead naga whispered. “And our families!”

“I did,” I said. “And I do regret it. That doesn’t mean I would change my mind, given the choice. I realize now it’s an option that was always there. I can regret something even if I wouldn’t change it. I can long for what could have been even if I wouldn’t change what was, but I can’t keep letting it haunt me forever. This event changed who I was as a person. I will never forget the things it taught me. But it’s time to let my pain go.”

One of the dead naga grabbed my leg. I kicked him right in the face and tried taking off. My wings vanished just as the flames started erupting further into the camp. The other dead naga were starting to rise, all staring at me with lifeless eyes. I tried to will a sword into my hands, but dream rules were not in effect. They were all packing weapons of their own and began advancing, holding their blades up menacingly.

I fucking booked it, sprinting toward the camp entrance. The living naga were waking up to the ash and dust. Their frantic snakey movements slowed me down from trying to get away from the dead, who didn’t seem bothered by their living brethren.

“So what happens if I die in here?” I asked as I sprinted.

My guide was easily keeping pace, so it wasn’t difficult for her to reply. “You risk getting stuck in this memory, repeating it over and over, until you manage to break free.”

Fucking super. “So, you feel like pulling me out now?”

“I can’t yet. This must reach a conclusion. You may be ready to move on, but those who haunt you resist that decision. Should you successfully repel them, it is possible to free them into the afterlife.”

That would have been nice to know a few minutes ago. It seemed like trying to fight the undead would be counterproductive, especially since there were a ton of them and each was armed. As the fires started killing more, the charred victims began rising as well.

Thankfully, the camp wasn’t all too large. It didn’t take me long to see the gates. The problem was the pitched battle happening just inside those gates. The friendly naga were cutting down everyone who attempted to flee the fire. As I got closer, I saw a hostile naga getting very close to one of the friendlies. Right before it could stab what I realized was Ames, the other me shot it.

As soon as that naga went down, Ames looked straight at the real me. “Brothers, defend our companion!” he roared, pointing his sword at me. They all looked my way. It took them a few seconds to see me, but they finally all lifted their weapons and shouted battlecries.

“Your memories have hostiles… and they have friendlies,” the fake Flo said. “Those you impacted positively can always come to your aid.”

The friendly naga were currently cutting a path straight toward me. Given that the resistance was spotty, they had no trouble making it to my side right as the undead got close enough to start attacking. Ames pressed a dagger into my hand and joined his brothers in the fight.

“What happens if the hostile spirits die?” I asked.

“I can’t answer that question,” Flo said. “But you have to make a decision. Will you allow it to happen? Will you help? Or will you put a stop to the killing?”

“...Zecora once told me that violence begets violence. To be honest, I’ve found that for the most part, she’s right. I regret what I did even though I wouldn’t change it. But moving forward, I don’t have to make the same choices. I don’t have to kill indiscriminately.” I dropped the dagger and looked over to the undead. “We don’t have to fight anymore. I think I’ve learned my lesson from this. I’m sorry for what I did to you. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but I don’t think you’ll get much out of haunting me anymore. I’m over it.”

I don’t know if that satisfied them or not, but my guide’s eyes lit up and we appeared in darkness, darker than the nearly pitch-black light we just left. When my eyes finally adjusted, I could tell we were in a cave. A female naga was pacing outside of what looked like a set of rooms. When I got closer to her, I realized it was the one who raped me. She seemed very nervous.

“I never learned her name,” I said. “She did something awful to me and I ensured something awful would happen in return, yet I never even cared to learn her name…”

“Why would you?” Pain asked. “She hurt you. There’s no reason to care about her.”

“She put you in a very bad place,” Fear said. “And did quite a lot to exacerbate your fear of relationships.”

“And yet the helplessness sparked something in you,” Anger quietly said. I’m not really sure why the place was so dark, given he was made of flames, but I guess that’s coma logic for you. “It wasn’t very nice for someone you helped save to use you like that. Especially given that she lied about it later…”

“I have a feeling watching some of these memories isn’t going to be fun,” I said as the naga finally got over herself and slid into the room. “I knew that what she did to me deserved punishment, but I don’t think it deserved death. It wasn’t my choice to make, and yet…”

“And yet you could have prevented it,” Pain said. “You knew you could have stopped it had you but tried. The naga likely would have allowed exile, had you requested it. But you didn’t care enough, did you?”

“I might have been able to get exile, but I just as easily might not have. Her crime was a serious one. I wanted revenge, but I didn’t think they might actually decide to kill her until it was too late.”

“Why do you care?” Anger asked. “She can’t hurt another. Is that not good?”

“She used you to satisfy her carnal desires,” Fear said. “All she sought was a feeling of dominance, of power. She raped you with no remorse or questions of wrongdoing, with a conscience clear enough to lie about it later.”

“She threw you under the bus as soon as she had the chance,” Anger said. “She told them you took advantage of her. You’re lucky you had the key, or proving your innocence would have been impossible. It could just as easily have been you that died! Why make excuses for someone who hurt you? Who did such awful things to you without a second thought? Revel in her death!”

“I feel like that mindset is destructive,” I said. “I can’t keep glorifying death and killing. It does solve problems and it does feel good, but blood begets blood. There were ways to punish without killing. And better, there are ways to rehabilitate. What she did made me angry, but I never wanted her dead. I am glad she can’t hurt anyone anymore, but now she also can’t help anyone anymore.”

“You walk a dangerous path,” Fear said.

“I’m doing my best to walk a path where fear and pain no longer have such powerful sway over my mind. Anger is something I’ve long been missing, but you two have been doing nothing but holding me back. That said, I can’t just be indiscriminately angry. I need to relearn when it’s necessary. I had a righteous fury brewing inside of me after this, but I let it stew instead of sharing it. I chose to let this rape happen instead of standing up for myself. And that’s what pisses me off the most. I know that I could have avoided this. All I had to do was… anything. Yell. Fight back. Run. But I chose to lie there and let her use me. That was fear taking complete control of me. You give me a valuable perspective, but I’m done taking orders from you. And I think I’m finished with this memory.”

Sure enough, my guide’s eyes lit up and we appeared, somewhat predictably, in Egypt. I wasn’t quite sure where in Egypt we would appear, but I wasn’t at all surprised that it was in front of Kat’s tent.

What was somewhat unusual for Egypt were the very green trees dotting the desert here and there. “What the hell are those doing here?” I asked.

“Something is clawing its way into you, digging deeper into your mind and body,” my guide said. “Another interjection from Flo: Your new wings and tail are taking root, spreading throughout your body. She suspects that you might start noticing extra nature oriented things in the backgrounds of more memories.”

“Will they have any effects?”

“I do not know.”

I kinda wanted to go over and poke one, but I was finally being removed from Kat’s tent. Rock was leading me out, holding my chain. Kat walked behind me, out of sight. Her eyes were very blatantly molesting my wings and the little smile on her face told me exactly what she was thinking about.

“Yet another who betrayed you when all you sought to do was help,” Pain said. “But don’t feel bad! I’m sure she had a good reason!”

“A good reason to hurt you. A good reason to break you,” Fear said. “Is there such a thing? To be honest, I fear the answer.”

“There was no reason involved at all,” Reason said. “You knew that. And you knew you probably could have stopped it after the first night.”

“And yet you let fear control you,” Anger said, sounding very disapproving. “When you should have been strong, you let another use you!

“I did… up until I didn’t,” I said. “Eventually rage took hold of me and I wrecked her.”

“I have a memory for you,” Pain whispered from right next to my ear. I hadn’t actually looked at them, so I had no idea she was so close. Before I could pull away, she kissed me on the cheek.

We appeared in Jocasta’s tent. Kat was lying on her cot, smiling and purring while staring off into space. Jocasta was staring at her. After a few seconds, the black cat shook her head. “What is going on with you, Kat?”

Kat shook herself and blinked. “Hm?”

“You’re staring off into space again! Don’t tell me you’re thinking about that thing.”

“He’s… intoxicating! Oooh, I just can’t get enough of his smell, his touch, his wings… Something about Nav just drives me wild!”

“You already own him. Think about doing things to him while you’re doing them to him. That isn’t why you’re here.”

“I don’t know why, but my thoughts keep going right back to him… Something in me is just drawn to him! And taking power over that soft body of his feels better than anything I’ve found before…”

“If you can’t get him out of your head, you’re useless to me. Go play with him and get back when you can focus.”

Kat wistfully sighed and hopped off the cot. As soon as she walked out of the tent, Jocasta and the tent disappeared. I took the hint and started following Kat as she walked through the camp. It was currently day and she never did anything to me while the sun was still out, so I know she wasn’t about to do things to me.

What is wrong with me? The thought was incredibly intrusive and made me stop. Why do I feel this way?

“These aren’t my thoughts!”

“You are seeing into Kat’s mind,” the guide said. “That may involve her thoughts.”

It’s not his personality. His body isn’t particularly attractive, though his wings are beautiful. What could it be? What is it about him that draws me so?

“Your mind is troubled, Kat,” Rock suddenly said. I hadn’t even noticed him until he spoke, so my guess it that Kat probably didn’t either. “You hide your feelings well, but you don’t usually slink quite so much.”

“It’s… the human. I feel so… drawn to him, but I don’t know why!”

“You aren’t the only one. Any of his loose feathers sell for a full flask of water in the camp. I’ve been considering plucking him and hoarding all the water for myself.”

“That’s not how the economy works. The more feathers you put into the market, the less each is worth. More to the point, if you touch a single feather on that human, I’ll kill you myself!”

“I would laugh at most who say that, but I have a feeling you might just follow through. Trust me, I have no intention of harming him. Truth be told, I have a fondness for him, too. The poor lad’s in way over his head, but he’s making himself useful. It seems that everyone in the camp likes him. Most consider him a good luck charm, if nothing else.”

“Hm. And yet…”

“And yet no one else shares his bed. Perhaps you’re falling for the poor fool!”

“I don’t think anything I’ve done to him constitutes love. Plenty of lust, but I know I don’t love him. Yet my mind is always going back to him…”

“Then I guess you should go see him. He just got back from a mission with his favorite psychopath and a few of the others. I’m sure he was missing your… tender touch.”

“Seeing me will surely put a smile right on his face,” Kat sarcastically replied before continuing on her way.

“She almost always found me right after I got back,” I said. “She spent a lot of time watching me from afar, not saying anything. I only saw her a few times, so she probably wasn’t trying too hard not to be seen. Of course, she also spent a lot of time up close, so it was kind of a mixup. This memory is longer than usual.”

“Kat is closer than usual,” the guide replied.

That was fair, so I shut up. It was just in time for another intrusive thought, too. I’m not even thinking about toying with him, now. I just want to be near him. I just want to… smell his musk. Let it envelop me and set that flame off inside me yet again...

“Talk about fucking creepy,” I muttered.

I don’t want to hurt him when I use him, yet I can’t stop myself… A part of me loves this feeling and a part of me hates it… Enough to get back at the cause, apparently. I don’t want to hurt him, but I just can’t stop myself!

“Is this supposed to make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” Apparently that wasn’t a question my guide was qualified to answer.

“You’re slipping, Kat,” Miguel suddenly said. That’s when Kat realized his dagger was pressed against the back of her neck. She immediately jumped away, but he was already sliding the blade up. “You obviously need to spend some time out of the camp.”

“My mind has been on other things.”

“You mean raping and mutilating our guest?” he very casually asked.

“...What did you just say?” she coldly asked.

“The signs are easy to see for anyone who looks, my little kitty,” he said, wagging one of his toe beans at her. “He’s been quite freshly raped, I’d say every night. And he hides it well, but the scratches on his back give him all kinds of pain and occasionally leak. I imagine the damage you’re doing to him is quite impressive, especially given all the noises you make!”

“...Who else knows?” she asked.

“I dunno,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s a shame you claimed him. I was hoping to lay my stakes! Does he cry when you do it? I bet he does. Softies like him always do. Doesn’t that just make it so much better?” To be honest, I don’t know how to describe the look on Kat’s face, but it was a pretty even mix between disgusted and horrified.

“Wow,” is all I could say. I’m so glad we killed him.

“He actually hasn’t cried,” Kat finally said. “He’s surprisingly strong, for someone so soft.”

“Well, whenever you’re ready to really break him, let me know and I’ll help you. Once we’re done, we can make him cry whenever we want.”

“I think I’ll be fine on my own.” She finally left, not bothering to look behind her.

I won’t be like Miguel. I won’t hurt him anymore. Everything in me wants it… needs it, but I have to stand above that instinct. I’m done acting like an animal. Tonight, I’ll apologize. Tonight, I’ll take him properly. Tonight, he’ll finally hold me back without shivering. The damage I have done can’t be undone, but I will help him heal. If I must lose myself in someone, I will not lord over them like the beasts who owned me. I will spoil him and treat him lavishly. Then perhaps the one who draws me so will be capable of tolerating my presence once again…

Right as Kat’s thoughts were drawing off, she caught sight of me. A smile instantly lit up her face. The other me probably would have left, but he was currently talking to the camp quartermaster about the supplies we stole. I finally remembered when this was: The night before I fought back.

As soon as Kat wrapped her arms around me, the memory ended.

“So was that supposed to make me feel better, or…?”

“When one seeks meaning in the abstract, you have to do more than take things at face value,” Reason said. “Kat felt drawn to you. Like Luna. Like Twilight. And like any cat, she marked her territory quickly. Even the others in the camp felt some manner of pull toward you.”

“Once again, my status as a human came in to haunt me,” I said. “So I have to ask myself… Of all my current suitors, who seems interested in my status as a unique human and who seems interested in me?”

“Are you sure marriage is the right idea?” Fear asked. “If this is the way those who get close to you act, imagine what one who is as close to you as possible will do.”

“Kat marked her territory and the others backed down,” I said. “A ring on my finger is all the territory marking I need. I’ll make sure one of my wife’s vows is to not go completely batshit crazy when she finally has me all to herself. That should handle it.”

“That sounds like a lot of trust to put in a vow,” Pain said. “I’m sure they’ll break it!”

“One option is to continue maintaining a pseudo-harem and hoping all the extremely powerful and possessive bitches I’m courting never have any high profile incidents about sharing the same dude, or flip shit on each other. Another option is completely cutting out all relationships entirely and forcing Aqua to service my lady parts, hoping that nobody goes batshit crazy after I cut everyone off. And the last option is trying my luck with marriage.”

“I suggest picking the right spouse,” Reason said.

“Thank you, I’ll try. So, it’s unfair to blame Kat’s craziness completely on me. She may have been influenced by what I am, but she still made her choices. She chose to hurt me.”

“Did she?” Pain asked. “You heard her thoughts. She couldn’t help herself.”

“We lie to ourselves the most,” I said. “It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. Kat didn’t want to blame herself for what she did to me even though it was her that made the choice. Instead, she blames me, the person her choice affected. Trust me when I say that I wasn’t raping myself those seven long nights.”

“Will you let her get away with this?” Anger asked. “Now you have seen inside Katrina’s mind. You know what she thought of you, how she longed for you. You now know that others realized she was mistreating you and did nothing.”

“Yeah, that shit was certainly all kinds of fucked up,” I said. “But Miguel’s dead, so there’s no reason to get angry at him. And can I really get mad at Kat for something she thought several years ago? She is no longer this person. I wouldn’t necessarily say she’s any better now, but she’s certainly no longer like this.”

“You’re making excuses for her,” Anger sighed, shaking his head. “She has manipulated you from the start, Nav. Do you not see it?”

“Now, I won’t deny she might be manipulating me, but I didn’t really get that from these memories. It’s certainly something she would do.”

“It’s obvious to me,” Fear said. “She knows just which strings to tug to make you dance, my dear. Do you remember the first night she came to your room in your new mansion?”

“Of course. It was… spooky.”

“And she played you like a fiddle,” Fear said with a nod. “Kat has her sad, dejected kitty act down perfectly. As soon as she got your sympathy, she knew she won and would get her way. You let your followers tug your strings far too much…”

“Well, we’ll talk about those memories when we get to them,” I said. “As to this memory… Kat did something terrible to me. The knowledge that she was so heavily affected by what I am doesn’t change that, especially since I’ve already forgiven her. Now, this is just another traumatic event I’d like to stop affecting me so much. It happened, it sucked, it dragged me down for a while, and now I want to be over it.”

“You seem determined to take nothing from so many of these traumatic events,” Anger said. “Are you trying to protect these people? Those who did such awful things? Or are you trying to protect yourself from having to confront some hard truths?”

“And what truths might those be?” I asked.

“Maybe it isn’t wise to make someone who desires you like this a vassal,” Pain said. “Maybe it isn’t wise to let someone as insane as this live… Everyone knows it’s only a matter of time before she snaps…”

“Not with an elemental in her head. Cascade may not do much to curb her creepiness, but she won’t let Kat hurt anyone undeservedly. I do feel like Kat is a ticking time bomb, but I don’t think she’ll be able to hurt anybody when she snaps. As I already said, I don’t like the idea of just killing someone to sort them out. She needs a path to redemption. I just have to figure out how to make her want to walk it.”

“Threats might do the trick,” Anger said with a shrug.

“Maybe, but I have a feeling that forcing her to change by threatening her might not be the wisest course of action. Reason’s gonna have a larger role to play in that. But for now, I’m not focused on unfucking Kat. I’m focused on uncoitusing myself. So let’s kick this shit into gear. Show the next slide!”

“As you wish,” the fake Flo said. Her eyes lit up and off we went to our next adventure!

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-One

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-One

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to end up on a volcano surrounded by dragons. “Where are we?” I asked, looking around. It seemed kinda sorta vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

“This is on the trail of the dragon migration,” the fake Flo said. “I am surprised you don’t remember it.”

“And I’m surprised we’re here. I didn’t really consider this a pivotal moment.”

“Not to you, perhaps,” the reasonable Twilight said. I turned around and beheld Twiggles, Kat, Spike, and Luna. I also finally saw the other me and the other Spike, who were walking down the edge of the volcano. “But you were not the only one there. Your actions have ripples that, while they may not directly affect you, do cause reactions further on.”

“It’s weird that this memory holds no value to you,” the prideful Spike said. “This is when you helped a friend against all odds learn more about who he was. That is something to be proud of!”

“I know why,” my sadistic Kat said with a giggle. “She’s mad she got abandoned and torched!”

“And the fear she felt during all of it ruled her mind,” the timid Woona said. “Most don’t like remembering almost dying…”

“Spike deserved to know more about himself. We couldn’t find much information in the pony libraries, for what later became obvious reasons. That left talking to other dragons. I knew the girls wouldn’t be happy about it and that they’d follow us and sure enough, they did. Not only did they follow us, they fucked everything up. And then, like fucking clockwork, almost everyone abandoned me to fend for myself. Luckily, Dash is a little more loyal than the rest of them, so I’m still standing here today. We both got a little bit crispy, but it’s certainly better than being lunch.”

“Twilight said she didn’t abandon you on purpose,” Fear said. “Do you believe her?”

“I had no other choice but to believe her. I don’t suppose we have any memories about this one?”

“We do,” Pride said. “Two.” He reached up and poked me right between the eyes.

The first memory was apparently of the conversation between Spike and the big dragon after his mate carried me off. The big dude was looking Spike up and down, though there really wasn’t much to see. He finally grunted. “So you were hatched in a magic school. Do you know where the ponies got your egg?”

“...No. None of the ponies I’ve asked knew, either.”

“Hm, that is not surprising. Celestia does so enjoy her censorship. How have you been treated?”

“Really good, for the most part. Princess Celestia raised me herself! Now I’m mostly working with one of her magic students.”

“Celestia raised you herself? Does she know you are here?”

“I mean, I don’t think she does? I didn’t tell her, but Twilight might have… No, she couldn’t have sent a letter! She uses my dragon breath to do it, so I doubt the princess knows. Why?”

“Because if she did, she likely would be on her way to get you. I highly doubt you were meant to speak to another dragon any time soon.”

“...What do you mean? Why wouldn’t she want me to meet another dragon?”

“There is much you do not know. However… I would be very hesitant to tell the son of Princess Celestia the truth. If you choose to return and she finds out what you know, she might come after us.”

“What?! Why?”

“Because the truth is not a pretty thing. Your egg was a spoil of war. The ponies were keeping you hostage. I can’t believe Celestia found a way to hatch one!”

“...Hostage?”

“As I said, the truth is not pretty. There is much you do not know about Celestia. She was not always so docile, nor so open and faux-friendly. You have a choice to make, Spike. If Celestia raised you herself, it means she has a plan for you. It likely will not be enjoyable. You can join us. If she doesn’t know you’re here, she’ll never be able to find you. Your egg came from Iceland. If we can get you there, to either Bahamut or Pyrite, you’ll be safe.”

“...Leave Equestria?”

“Indeed. What is there for you here, Spike? You’ve lived among the ponies for at least a few years, now. Do you really think you have a future here? In another fifty to seventy years, most of your friends will be gone. Finally, Celestia will be all you have left. And that’s when she’ll begin to use you.”

“...Use me how?”

“If I had to guess, I would say as a weapon. She always keeps a few predators around to deal with unpleasant problems. Your friend looks like one such fellow, if I had to guess.”

“You mean Nav? He’s uh… had to work for her before… But then, so have I...”

“So you have already seen that your connection to Celestia means little. I advise joining us while you have the chance. This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity for you to escape her grasp, Spike.” The little fellow cast his eyes down.

I wasn’t expecting Spike to look so torn. He always seemed fairly content in Ponyville back then. Sure, he wanted to know more about himself, but I had no idea he was considering leaving. Finally, he looked back up at the large dragon. “She’s using Nav, too. And he helped me get here when none of the ponies would. Let him come and I’ll join you!”

“He would not be welcome in Iceland, but I can promise him a ride to somewhere he will be comfortable, somewhere outside of Celestia’s grasp. It would be possible for you to visit him later, after you gain your wings.”

Before Spike could reply, some shouting made them look away. Apparently that’s when Rarity and Twilight got caught in their ridiculous green costume. The dragons were tearing it apart and dragging the two terrified ponies out. That’s when the memory ended.

“Huh,” I said.

“Again, you have reason to be proud,” Pride said. “You helped a friend learn more about who he was. You tried to help him escape what could have been a really bad situation.”

“You helped give Spike a missing piece of himself,” Reason said. “Even if this didn’t end as he hoped, he finally learned more. It still wasn’t anywhere near enough and he wasn’t quite sure that he believed it, but it was more than anyone else had done for him before.”

“You have always been someone Spike can rely upon,” Pride continued. “You have helped him time and time again. Spike chose to leave, as long as he could take you with him. What would you have said?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. A part of me wanted nothing more than to leave. I really didn’t see much of a future for myself as Celestia’s lapdog. That said, I also had the feeling that trying to run would be a really bad idea if I got caught, especially if it ended up looking like I dragonnapped Celestia’s son. She already threatened to imprison me once. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what she would do if she got her hooves on me again. If the dragon’s offer about a safe place was true, I like to think I would have taken it. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to make it.”

“Your fear of the unknown would have stopped you,” Fear said. “And your fear of Celestia was even worse. There was no way you could have ever left. You knew she’d have you dragged back in irons.”

“Or worse,” Pain said, bouncing up and down in a way I found hypnotizing. “Like giving you to Luna!”

“God help me. To be fair, I would be suspicious of the dragon’s offer. I might also try to talk Spike out of it. But if the dragon seemed sincere enough and was confident that I’d be safe from Celestia, maybe. I’m not sure if I knew at the time that Celestia would be able to teleport me from wherever she wanted. And from the looks of things, Celestia wouldn’t have been in a hurry to give me to her sister. I’m not sure when or if she ever changed her mind, but she definitely didn’t look too happy in those other memories. But that’s not to say torture or something was off the table. Or maybe giving me to Kat.”

“What do you think of Spike’s demand?” Reason asked.

“I think it was nice of him,” I said. “I’m happy that he was trying to look out for me. And I guess this is something to be proud of, but I really don’t feel much pride in anything.”

“That is something you should strive to fix,” Pride said. “How can you ever expect to feel good about yourself if you feel no pride in any of the good you’ve done? You hoped to use this coma to kill the bad in you. It has to be replaced with something.”

Being dead inside can’t be that bad… “So how should I go about feeling pride?” I asked.

“Perhaps I can help,” Reason said. “The other memory might assist.” I leaned down so she could more easily poke me. I appeared in the middle of the woods. A split second after I arrived, Twilight, Rarity, and Spike all teleported in.

Twiggles grinned and cantered in place. “We made it!”

“Where’s Nav?” Spike asked.

“What do you mean? I teleported him!” As she was saying that, though, she was looking around. Sure enough, I was nowhere to be found. “Um. Nav?”

“Did you leave him behind?!” Rarity shouted.

“No! I used enough magic to grab him, too! Where is he?!”

“You left him behind!” Spike shouted. “Why were you there at all?! We were doing just fine!”

“Because we were worried about you,” Twilight said. “But we kinda have a bigger problem, now! Nav is still back there!” Right as she said that, we could all hear the echoes of roars. I’m not sure quite where they were, but it couldn’t be that far away.

“So is Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said. “And as much as I’d like to go back and try to help him, I really don’t think there’s much we can do, unless you still have enough magic to teleport back. Otherwise, we need to hope Rainbow can help him while we try and get to safety.”

“How can she help him against hundreds of dragons?” Spike demanded. “I’m going back!” He started trying to leave, but Rarity grabbed one of his claws.

“Spike, I may be the element of generosity, but there comes a time when you must think about your own safety. By the time we could find a way back there, Nav will have either escaped or be beyond our help. We must do our best to get away before the dragons can begin organizing search parties. With their noses and eyes, it will be easy for them to spot us. We can’t stay here and going back would be suicide! If Nav isn’t there when we return, we can inform Celestia. If he’s still… still alive, she will be able to get him back.”

“As she said, I don’t think I have enough magic to get back,” Twilight said. “And even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have enough magic to teleport the two of us back here. I don’t like it, but she might be right. The best thing we can do for Nav right now is to get help. With luck, he’ll escape and be waiting back there for us with some super rude comments about how we abandoned him.”

“And about how ugly I am!” Rarity hissed.

“You know he was just joking,” Twilight said. “Everypony knows you’re beautiful, even if it has been a few days since you had a chance to groom yourself.”

“Well, we’ll have to see about getting home soon to change that. Knowing Nav, I’m confident that he will be waiting for us. If anyone can survive those overgrown lizards, it’s that dashing rogue.”

“Dashing rogue?” I said. “Seriously?”

“We really need to get moving,” Twilight said. “They won’t stay on the mountain forever. We need to go, Spike.”

It very much looked like he wanted to keep arguing the point, but he and I both knew how futile it would be. The poor dragon let them pull him away without a word, though his tail was wagging enough to let me know he was pissed.

Just like that, I was back on the volcano. At this point, I was watching myself get chased by all the dragons. I was too far away to see my expression, but I had a feeling that it was terrified. Still, it was an impressive performance.

“Fear certainly goads you well,” fake Luna said. “Look at you go!”

“Yeah, I’m not a fan of being eaten. So, I guess that memory confirms Twilight left me by accident. I’m not sure how I feel about them refusing to try helping me, but I do understand their extremely self-serving reasoning. I figured Spike would try to fight back more, but I guess he understood the futility of it.”

“Ponies don’t seem like very good friends,” Reason said.

“Of course they’re not good friends,” I said. “Twilight is so bad at it she still has to send a letter about it to her teacher every week. That said, I’m also lacking in the friend department. I may do nice things for people sometimes, but I’m usually really caustic and mean about it.”

“Only when they deserve it,” Pride said.

“Sometimes. Of course, it’s easy for me to say that. What’s deserving it?”

“It’s obvious,” Pain said. “Those who waste your time with nonsense deserve whatever comes to them.”

“Right, of course. And since I live in a nonsensical world, people give me a lot of nonsense. I think it’s time to accept that fundamentally, me being a human essentially turns everyone around me into… mouth-breathing retards. I’m going to be getting a lot of nonsense. I can’t keep being a dick to everyone just because they hit me with some bullshit.”

“Then I have a recommendation,” Pride said. “You are a wealthy, powerful person. Why surround yourself with people who give you nonsense in the first place?”

“Because I really don’t want to turn into Celestia. There’s times I might want to pay for professionalism, but there’s also something to be said for having a staff who actually likes you. I haven’t taken to being a noble very well. I don’t like everyone working around me. I don’t like everyone having plans and intentions for me.”

“Then it is time to nip them in the bud,” Pride said. “You have been allowing others to push you. You have merely been reacting to those around you. It is time to lead. That means picking your vision of you and making the others to fall in line.”

“That’s what this coma is for. Once I pick my ideal version of me, I just have to hope they don’t slit my throat and tell me that I turned evil or something. Now, let’s get back on topic. I think we were talking about how I’m supposed to be proud of being Spike’s friend or something?”

“Not that being his friend has ever done you much good,” Pain said with a little giggle.

“Very true. My friendship with Spike has been a painful one. That said, it’s usually not his fault.”

“But you have helped him grow,” Reason said. “You have turned him from a cowering pet lizard into a fearsome dragon.”

“He’s definitely still growing, but I guess I should be proud of how far he’s come.”

“And how far you’ve taken him,” Pride said. “Who would he be, if not for you? Twilight’s eternal lapdragon? Or maybe Rarity’s dress-up doll?”

“I don’t know, it wouldn’t have been all bad. She would have hooked him up with a cute colt! But I do think he prefers being my pet dragon. At least I feed him properly.”

“A dragon is a powerful thing to have in your back pocket,” Pride said.

“It is. But I always have to remember that Spike is my friend, not an employee.”

“That could be rectified,” Fear said. “You would be a terror to behold, with a properly trained dragon at your beck and call.”

“I’m a terror to behold without it. I don’t want to turn Spike into a weapon. If he decides he wants to keep fighting, that’s on him. And if he decides later on to become a vassal… then maybe. I certainly wouldn’t mind bathing some parts of the world in flames…”

“You always take care not to control others too much,” Reason said. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to be controlled. I’m learning more and more that some people do want that. Some people need it. If Spike finds that he does need someone to keep him stable, then I’d be proud to add him to my collection. I’d rather teach him to be his own person, though.”

“You’re such a good, loyal friend,” Pain sarcastically said. “I can’t help but wonder why, after all your so-called friends have put you through.”

“Well… I guess we’ll find out why together. As for this memory… I need to stop underestimating how much I mean to people. I seem to do it all the time. It’s time to start acting with the knowledge that my words and actions carry a lot of weight with a lot of people. I effectively saved Spike’s life a few times and helped answer as many of his questions as possible. That is absolutely something to be proud of and acting like it’s not is honestly insulting.”

“It is,” Reason said. “The look of betrayal in the eyes of others when you deny how important you are is always uncomfortable.”

“Yeah. Anyway, we still have a lot of time to cover. I think I’m done here. Shall we move on?”

“We shall,” my guide said. Her eyes flashed and off we went.

As expected, we ended up back in the homeland of the cats. “Alright, Egypt Part Two: Electric Scootaloo,” I said. “Let’s do this.”

“Many things happened on this trip,” my guide said. “How much do you remember?”

“Celestia wanted me to babysit two useless nobles. She was sending them to Egypt to get rid of them. One ended up being a douche who I kinda murdered. That shocked the other enough to keep her in line. I ended up reconnecting with Kat when we got to the capital. That led to some lewd shenanigans, though I still don’t know why I let it happen. Assassins came for the ambassador pretty quickly. I killed one and captured the other. Kat and I tortured him and learned where their contacts were. The king ended up using the info to take down one of his most powerful rivals, putting him solidly in charge. Somewhere in there, I found Taya.”

“Quite a lot,” Pride said. I turned and beheld him standing with Reason and Pain. “You did good on this trip. A lot of it.”

“Aside from that murder,” Pain said. “Although the fellow did deserve it, didn’t he?”

“Calix would have created problems, but that doesn’t mean he deserved death,” Reason said. “But that moment wasn’t nearly as formative as finding Taya, was it?”

“Yeah, I figured that would be the highlight of this trip,” I said. “With maybe a little bit of the relationship with Kat dotted here and there. So, we got any juicy memories?”

“Due to the trauma, Taya’s memories of this time are… muddled, to say the least,” Reason said. “So we have no memories from her. We do have memories from Kat and Luna, though.”

“Oh boy, here we go. More crazy cat lady it is, then.” Pain giggled and booped me.

Sure enough, Kat and Jocasta stood before me. I was expecting them to be in a room, but instead, we all appeared in the middle of a forest. I didn’t see any forests in Egypt, so I’m pretty sure this was the tree thing. “Have you heard the news yet?” Jocasta asked.

“I’ve heard all kinds of news. What’s happening this time? Another coup attempt?”

“We’re being joined by ambassadors from Equestria.”

“Oooh, that’s new!” Kat said, leaning forward. “Anyone interesting?”

“Your favorite mutant will supposedly be with them.”

“Nav is coming back?!” my cute little kitty squealed in glee, bouncing in place.

“...I wasn’t expecting you to be so excited. Even your tail is wagging!”

Kat noticed how enthusiastic she looked and seemed to shiver for a moment before calming down. “I… missed him. And I’ve wanted to speak to him again.”

“I’m not sure he’ll want to speak to you, after everything that you did to him…”

“Time heals all wounds,” Kat replied with a shrug. “Plus, he’s a tom. I can play him like a fiddle. As long as I get a chance to work on him, he’ll be putty in my paws in no time!”

“He doesn’t really seem worth it, to me. You could easily do better.”

“Maybe. But he won’t be here forever. I might as well have my fun while he is! I’m sure I could talk him into giving you a try, too...”

“Not interested.”

“All the more time for him to spend with me, then,” Kat said with a smirk. “I bet I can make him take me flying…”

“Yeah, and he’ll probably drop you. Be wary of trusting him, Kat. You hurt him and he’s dangerous. You might think you can tame him, but there’s always the chance he’ll plot revenge.”

“Trust me, Nav isn’t like that. I know him better than you, remember?”

Jocasta snorted. “Suit yourself.”

“So when are they supposed to get here?”

“They’re already at the embassy. They’ll be coming to the palace this afternoon for a luncheon. I’m sure if you asked, Jim would let you visit.”

“He’s going to do more than let me visit,” she said. “He’s going to appoint me the palace liaison to the embassy.”

“And why is he going to do that?” Jocasta asked.

“Because I’m going to tell him that if he doesn’t, I’ll murder whoever he does appoint. And then I’ll keep doing it until he chooses me instead. I’ll see you later, Jocasta. I have a king to speak to.” The memory ended just like that.

“Well, that’s pretty spooky,” I said. “I didn’t realize she was doing so much to manipulate me, but it’s not surprising at all.”

“How does this new revelation make you feel?” Pain asked. “Did it hurt?”

“Eh, not really. Like I said, it wasn’t surprising. Kat being batshit crazy isn’t really news. Although I do really wonder why Kat seemed to be affected so strongly by me. None of the others were.”

“And you don’t think that this is something you should take a moment to consider?” Reason asked. “You now have evidence that Kat was manipulating you.”

“Who the fuck hasn’t been manipulating me? Ever since I got here, it’s all been one big game to see who could fuck with me the most. I was literally created to be manipulated. Does it piss me off? Kinda a little, yeah. But making a big deal over something Kat did to me ages ago seems so… petty, now. That said, I’m absolutely going to be having a talk with her about this. I know she’s still doing it and it needs to stop.”

“It’s not like you take pains to fight it,” Pain said. “You let her do so much without even a thought in your mind…”

“Of course I have thoughts about it. A lot of what she’s done recently has made me uncomfortable. Yelling at her seems to have calmed her down some, but I don’t like having to do that.”

“And you enjoy the sex, of course,” Reason said.

“I do, but I know I shouldn’t. I have too many partners. If I don’t end up deciding to get married, I’m definitely going to cut the number of people I sleep with. Kat will be one of them.”

“You seem so sure of what you need to do,” Reason said. “Why do you need us if you already know what must be done?”

“To be honest, most of what I need to do is common sense. I already know it, I just don’t want to have to. I was hoping this would give me the motivation. Seeing all the bullshit people were doing behind my back is definitely helping. I’m tired of being used and manipulated.”

“Good,” Pride said with a nod. “Then you’re ready for the next memory.” He reached up and poked me in the face.

This time, I beheld Luna and Celestia again. It looked like they were at breakfast. “Have you been watching the escapades of your favorite friend?” Celestia asked.

“I do not like spying on him. I usually only do so if I believe he might be in danger.” Bullshit.

“Right, of course. Well, do you remember Kat?” Luna’s ears twitched. “Oh, surely you remember. Nav’s cute little desert fling?”

“That is not how he described it.”

“You didn’t see the scars on his back. But now I’m starting to question his version of events, because he’s been quite willing to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to be scratching him now, though.”

That made Luna’s ears twitch even more. “...Why would Nav spend time around that monster?”

“That’s a good question. He’s doing more than spending time around her, though. She’s shown him around the city, she took him to a few romantic landmarks, he took her flying… It also seems like they’re taking every chance they can get to… blow off some steam, so to say.” Luna’s teeth started grinding. “I really am surprised you haven’t been watching. It’s been quite the show! And some of the things he’s said have been quite amusing, too. He seems to think he could kill us.”

“What? Why would he even be talking about that?!”

“Because he is irreverent and doesn’t respect our power. I think he should be punished.”

“...And what manner of punishment would you propose?”

“I suggest we make a wager with our little human. We’ll give him the chance to try his luck on us. When he utterly fails to faux-assassinate us, he’ll hopefully be more humble.”

“Do not count your roosters before they hatch, dear sister,” Luna said. “We are powerful, but Nav is wily. He thinks very differently than we do. Where you may see security and invulnerability, he may see an opportunity.”

“All the more reason for us to make this wager. If he can find any way to hurt us, we need to know so we can stop it in the future.”

“It does not seem wise. What would you wager?”

“I’m not sure yet. This is your chance to do more with him, Luna. You can make him do anything. Don’t waste this opportunity.”

“I do not want to make him love me! If he finds Kat’s presence so preferable, perhaps we should banish him to Egypt!”

“Perhaps we should,” Celestia said. “Let’s banish someone with his mind and capabilities to a continent with wide swathes of land where magic doesn’t work at all. It’s not like there’s any way that could ever go poorly or backfire on us at all.”

“What, would you rather continue holding this over me?” Luna asked. “Continue using it to taunt and tease me? Bringing me to rage by filling me in on his conquests?”

“What ever do you mean, Luna?” Celestia innocently asked. “I was just trying to talk about our mutual friend. I thought you might be interested in what he’s been up to. And perhaps who he’s been up in…” I really want to strangle her. Why would she do this to her sister?

From the look on Luna’s face, she was probably thinking similar things. Unfortunately, she didn’t try strangling her sister. “Fine, then! We’ll do your stupid wager! But do not come crying to me if we both lose and you have to do whatever he asks of you!”

“Believe me, I have nothing to fear from him. He’s far too afraid of me to ever take advantage of a wager. You might need to be wary, though…”

“Apparently he’s afraid of me, too. Even if I did ask for more as a wager, I doubt he would accept…”

“Then consider starting small.”

“...What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to ask him for a relationship. Why not just ask him for sex?”

Luna’s face lit up bright red. “W-what?!”

“It’s obvious you’re jealous about Kat. If you sleep with him too, there wouldn’t be any reason to be jealous!”

“I… I thought you did not… approve…”

“Sex isn’t a relationship. Jump his bones as much as you want, as long as you’re discreet.”

“Hm. There is only one downside. He isn’t attracted to ponies.”

“Then it’s a good thing you know a spell to turn into a human.”

“That is a good thing. I wonder how I would look… Hm. So be it, then. I shall make a wager with the human. When I win, he will add a princess to his list of conquests.”

“Good. I think I know just what I should ask for, too. It’s good to treat myself every once and awhile…”

“What exactly does that mean?” Luna slowly asked.

“I think I’ll make the same wager! If the way he treats cats is anything like the way he treats humans, I think I’ll be in for a fun time!” Luna’s mouth dropped.

The memory ended there. “So wait, I’m confused,” I said. “Why did Celestia tell Luna to fuck me and then turn around and do the same thing?”

“We don’t have access to her memories, but I can make a few semi-educated guesses,” Reason said. “First, Celestia didn’t want you and Luna to be together. If they both made the same wager, you wouldn’t look into it as much. Second, one of the ways that Celestia kept Luna under control was by taking away everyone who was close to her. By sleeping with you after you had been with Luna, and making the experience considerably more enjoyable, she did a lot to bring you closer.”

“And the third option, which is my favorite, is that the princess liked watching you sling dick so much that she just had to try it,” Pride said. I lifted up a hand and he high-fived it without missing a beat. “Aww yeah!”

“It’s possible she just wanted to hurt or punish Luna,” Pain said.

“Punish her for what?” I asked.

“Falling in love with you, obviously. This is Celestia blatantly showing off how little you care about Luna’s feelings for you. You were happy to sleep with the sister of the mare who bared her soul to you.”

“That’s hyperbolic and not at all fair. The way they worded the deal to me is that they were both lonely and wanted some physical comfort. They both made it clear that they wanted some down and dirty porkin’. I did know that Luna wanted my hot human bod, but I think it was fair to assume, at least at the time, that if they talked about coming up with the deal together, they were fine with whatever the results ended up being. Why would I assume sleeping with Celestia would break Luna’s heart when they collaborated to come up with the idea?”

“Because it’s the sister of the mare who loved you,” Reason said. “And yet you never even considered how this might affect her, did you?”

“I did, but it was only later. The question then becomes, would I have slept with Celestia anyway, even if I knew it would hurt Luna? I didn’t want a relationship with Luna, but I never wanted to hurt her. A part of me also questioned the wisdom of turning down a proposition from Celestia, though I really doubt she would have done anything had I said no. Thinking back, sleeping with them both was definitely a bad idea.” Although another part of me has always wanted to try it with both at once.

“Even the ancient are not immune to jealousy,” Pride said. “Apparently they also aren’t immune to petty catfighting.”

“I posit that sleeping with either of them was a terrible idea,” Reason said. “You should have done as much as you could to avoid them entirely. All sex did was give them another reason to want to keep you around.”

“That’s actually a really good point. I’ve let my dick get me into a lot of trouble.”

“And your vagina.”

“We’ll get to that later. Thankfully, problems like this will hopefully crop up less when I stop being such a slut.”

“Assuming you can manage it,” Pain said with a smirk.

“Of course. So, do we get to talk about Taya here or are we going to wait for another time?”

My guide slid behind me and placed her tendrils on my shoulders. “When you found her, Taya was lost. Alone. Utterly terrified with nowhere to go. When you pulled her off that street, you became that filly’s entire world. And yet you wanted nothing more than to get rid of her. That guilt has never left you.”

“...It hasn’t,” I said. “I couldn’t leave her there. That just… wasn’t an option. But I knew I wouldn’t be the right person to help her get better. I had a feeling that all I could do was make things worse.”

“It became a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Reason said. “But we aren’t there yet. Is that the only reason you didn’t want her?”

“Obviously not. I was planning on killing myself some time after I got back. Getting Taya forced on me meant I had to stay alive for her. She also felt like a leash around my neck, held by Celestia. It meant I couldn’t stay away from home for as long, but I always had to come back. And of course, not only did I have a feeling I would make her worse, I didn’t even want to try to make her better. I wanted to get rid of her, preferably as quickly as possible. The only reason I didn’t leave her at the embassy in Egypt is because I knew she would find her way into the king’s pocket.”

“Why?” my guide asked. I had a feeling she already knew the answer, though.

“I hate the idea of someone being dependent on me. Of someone relying on me. I know in the end, all I’ll ever be able to do is let them down.”

“That’s dumb as fuck,” Pride said.

“Seems pretty accurate to me,” Pain replied with a shrug. “I mean, look at what she did to that poor filly!”

“It’s the self-hatred,” Reason said. “There doesn’t need to be a reason and it doesn’t need to make sense. Be honest: When have you truly let someone down?”

“I guess that really depends,” I said. “I’ve definitely disappointed a lot of people, but usually when someone is actually depending on something I do, I do what’s expected of me. I’m really good at it in the short-term, but not so much in the long-term. The longer my relationships tend to go on, the worse they usually end up being because of how abrasive and shitty my personality is.”

“And then you blame it on other things like letting others down so you don’t have to change anything about how terrible you are,” Pain said with a nod. “It makes perfect sense!”

“She really gets me,” I said. “That’s probably not a good thing.”

“We all really get you,” Reason said. “We just get different parts of you based on what we represent. She understands the things that cause you pain, like your self-hatred.”

“So if I kill her, will all my pain go away?”

“We have no way of knowing what exactly it would do,” Fake Twilight said. “But if I had to guess, I’d say it would erase your ability to comprehend pain. Specifically emotional and mental pain. I don’t think it would deaden your actual nerve endings.”

“I say you go for it,” Pride said. “You’d be better off without her!”

“Go ahead and put me out of your misery,” Pain sweetly said, lifting her head to bare her neck. “I won’t even try and stop you!”

“I’m not actually going to,” I said. “Just curious. But yeah, that does make sense. Generally speaking, I’m not a very nice person and I tend to drive people away. And instead of trying to fix the things about me that force peeps out, I make up excuses. Although I guess letting them down would also be something about myself I could fix, but still.”

“And you didn’t want to end up driving Taya away, so you wanted to get rid of her before she became too close,” Reason said.

“I guess that’s part of it. To be honest, I never really imagined her staying with me as an option that Celestia would even consider, up until Luna mentioned it and Celestia made it official. I figured they wouldn’t want me in charge of a pony.”

“That seems like a fair assumption,” Reason said. “The ponies are, for the most part, fairly racist.”

“So I guess all in all, I didn’t want Taya to stay with me because I knew I would end up either breaking her horribly or driving her away. I don’t think I was mature enough to really handle a filly, especially not one who got so attached so quickly.”

“And do you really think that’s changed?” Pain asked.

“I never said it did. That said, I’m definitely more mature now than I used to be, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m capable of raising someone.”

“Anyone can raise a kid,” Pride said. “Raising them right is the hard part. Good thing humans are the best at everything!”

“Even failing?” I asked.

“Well, you blew yourselves up with nukes, so I guess?”

“That’s kinda fair. So, what’s the takeaway from this?”

“Don’t trust Kat,” Pain said. “All she wants to do is manipulate and use you.” Can’t deny that.

“Killing Celestia was the right move,” Pride said. “She was cruel and conniving.” Makes sense.

“You never wanted Taya,” Reason said. “There was nothing wrong with that. But you were given Taya. You should have changed to help raise her properly, but you didn’t. You were given talk after talk and chance after chance, but you never seemed to make the effort to change.”

“I wish I could say I tried my best, but I don’t really know if that’s true. I mostly let her just stagnate. I also typically had excuses not to spend time with her. Right now, she seems happy but… unstable. And the immortality is horrifying. I have a feeling in about ten years, she’s going to be sick of being my little filly.”

“We aren’t quite there yet,” my guide said. “We will discuss that in time.”

“Alright. So I was a failure of a parent from the very start. Is it time to move on?”

“Is that really what you’re taking away from this?” Reason asked.

“It’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? I never wanted Taya and when I got her, I did nothing to change myself to be a better parent for her. That makes me a failure of a parent.”

“I’d have to agree,” Pain said. Pride shrugged.

Reason sighed and lowered her head. “You really don’t need to give her ammo…”

“Sometimes the truth is painful. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be sought out. And in this case, the truth is that I am not a good parent.”

“And the truth always sets you free,” my guide said, finally pulling her watery hands away. Just like that, we flashed off.

This time, we appeared in front of a sickbed. A nearly dead and slightly crispy version of me was on it. Taya was curled up in a corner, crying. Twilight was trying to console her, but it wasn’t working. The walls were covered in vines and a few were hanging from the ceiling. I don’t know how I actually remembered this, but it may have just been a projection.

“So this is when Taya almost killed me,” I said. “Fun stuff.”

“And when you became immortal,” Reason said. This time, the room we were in was so small that they couldn’t actually appear behind me. I finally realized that they were invisible until their first line was done, because Reason and Fear both appeared in front of me.

“It was far too much for you to handle,” Fear said. “What Taya did to you meant nothing in comparison.”

“I recognize what Taya did was an accident. I never blamed her for it.”

“That doesn’t mean she didn’t blame herself,” Reason said. “This is when she started trying to learn magic to protect you. We have two memories for you.”

“Baller. Let’s do it.”

Fear reached up to poke me first. I beheld Luna and Celestia looking over what was essentially a charred husk.

“I’m calling a pause,” I said. “I don’t wanna look at myself like this. Aqua, would you mind blurring this or something?” After a second, the chunk of burnt meat on the table became a tasteful bouquet. “Alright, unpause.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know what to do?!” Luna demanded. “You can heal anything! Fix him!”

“I can heal anything on a pony. Nav hasn’t been in a hurry to let me magically examine him. And now that he’s more ash than person, it’s a little too late to magically examine him. There’s a lot of things I could try, but none of them are guaranteed to actually work. Not with him being this bad. If we were just a few minutes later, I could not have stabilized him.”

“So will he just remain in a coma indefinitely?!”

“I said there are things I could try. Nav himself actually gave me an idea for something I’ve been considering looking into more for a while now. He mentioned absorbing the life of a tree.”

“...That sounds familiar.”

“You remember Poira, don’t you?”

“I do. I’m not sure Nav would appreciate that fate.”

“How much do you think he would appreciate being dead?” Celestia sweetly asked.

“...Honestly? He’d probably thank us.”

“He might, actually. Well, as I said, I’ve been meaning to experiment with creating new tree things. Particularly ones that are loyal to me. Nav with Poira’s skills would be an incredible asset. And with the data we collect from him, we can create several more agents just like him!”

“...I don’t like this,” Luna said. “We’re putting too much on him.”

“I’ve been meaning to give him more rewards,” Celestia said. “That five hundred bits was just the start. He’s proven his use. If his loyalty and good deeds continue, he’ll continue gaining power and status. Up next is a knighthood.”

“You would make him a knight?”

“I would. Just think, Luna. Your first knight since your return could be another tree sibling. A tree sibling you can sleep with, at that!”

Luna looked down at the pretty flowers for a moment. She seemed awfully conflicted. Finally, she sighed and hung her head. “So be it, then. Do what you must.”

The memory ended, putting me back in the sickroom. “So I was just another magical experiment,” I said.

“It was a magical experiment that saved your life,” Reason said.

“And made you effectively immortal,” Fear said. “Up to and including becoming a tree.”

“I feel like I’ve mostly come to terms with the immortality thing now,” I said. “It’s definitely scary, but I recognize that it’s coming and I’m starting to make plans to put myself in a world worth living.”

“You were scared for such a long time,” Reason said. “Are you sure you’ve come to terms with it?”

“Part of why I was scared is because I was Celestia’s slave. That’s no longer the case. Now I’m scared because I’m Discord’s slave. But I either break that hold by getting a soul of my own or I don’t and become his bitch. There’s no real uncertainty.”

“Until you break his hold and become free,” Fear said. “Then you’ll have an entire immortality to look forward to with no one to rule over you but yourself!”

“I’m confident I’ll find ways to pass the time. I guess a part of me is still afraid. Even if I might not technically be completely and utterly immortal, my projected lifespan is a lot longer than any human has any right to have. But I’m confident that I’ll either be able to manage it or I’ll be surrounded by people capable of helping me get through it.”

“Confidence is unbecoming of you,” Fear said. “Your followers expect indecision and a weak personality. That makes you easier for them to control!”

“So I’ve realized. I plan for confidence to carry me into the future. If my companions can’t tolerate that, then I’ll get rid of them.”

“Eternity is a long time,” Reason said. “You have time to reflect. Would you like to opine on why you believe you’re fine with your immortality?”

“Because I have Luna, Celestia, Moonbeam, Athena, all the elementals, Spike, Taya, Blossom, and probs a bunch more who will be with me along for the ride. For a long time, I thought I would essentially be alone most of the time. Sure, I would be working with Luna and Celestia, but I highly doubted I’d have many other friends. I spent so much time being depressed about losing everyone that I never stopped to think of everyone I might gain. If I’ve found this many other immortals on my journey so far, think about what else awaits me. I will live a long time and that does worry me, but I’ll be spending that time with some cool people.”

“That’s reasonable, I suppose,” Reason said. “A huge part of all fear is that of the unknown. You are going into a big future, but it’s with trustworthy companions by your side. That would put any mind at ease.”

“It certainly helps. So what’s the next memory?”

Reason lifted up a hoof and poked me. This time, I saw Twilight and Taya. My filly wasn’t crying anymore, so I think this was after I woke up.

“I can’t let that happen again,” Taya very firmly said. “I won’t ever hurt him again!”

“The only way to stop outbursts like that is to learn control,” Twilight said. “You must learn to harness your magic. Given what you did, I’d say that you have a large potential. Nav is right: You can do whatever you want with your magic. You absolutely don’t have to use it to hurt anypony, but you do have to learn how to control it. Otherwise, outbursts like this might happen again and you could hurt others.”

“I want to learn how to protect daddy!”

“I can definitely teach you how, depending on what exactly you mean. Magic allows for several types of shields and wards. It also allows magical buffs that help ponies in all kinds of ways.”

“...Daddy told me something once,” Taya slowly said. “The best defense is a good offense. Does that mean that the best way to protect him is to learn how to fight?”

“What? No, that’s crazy. Look, Taya… Everypony really likes Nav, but he’s been through a lot. Sometimes he says things that… don’t exactly make sense. You need to be wary of taking anything he tells you at face value. Even now, he still doesn’t always understand how things in Equestria work.”

“So what is the best defense?”

“That depends on the situation. My brother’s special talent is actually to create incredibly powerful shields. I’d say that usually, giant impenetrable shields are the best defense. If nobody can get to Nav, nobody can hurt him.

“...But then how will he hug me?” Taya asked, her head tilting.

“You’d be inside the shield too, of course.”

“Oh, perfect. So are you saying daddy’s crazy?”

“I’m not saying that Nav is crazy. However, some of what he says is crazy. Some of what he does is also questionable. If you ever have any doubts about anything he tells you, please come to me before you repeat it. And uh… maybe don’t tell him I said that.”

“Why? Shouldn’t he stop saying crazy things?”

“Yes. But humans and ponies have different minds. What’s crazy to us might not be crazy to him. For all I know, some of the things he says makes perfect sense to him.”

“What if they make perfect sense to me, too?” Taya asked.

That actually made Twilight grin. It was the super annoying grin she used to get on her face all the time when I said something she thought was stupid and she thought she was going to be teaching me a lesson. It didn’t usually end well for her. “In what world could the best defense ever be a good offense?” Twilight asked with her smarmy, smug tone.

“This one! Daddy defended our ship from pirates by attacking their ship before their unicorns could get in range, saving the unicorns on board and using them to kill the remaining pirates. Isn’t that using offense defensively?”

“...You were attacked by pirates?”

“Yep, on the way back from Egypt! Daddy saved the day!”

“Well, that’s one time, but—”

“And before he found me, he apparently defended the ambassador from assassins by finding them before they could lay their trap and beating them in a one on two fight! So he used an offensive attack to defend the ambassador. Isn’t that using offense defensively, too?”

“Okay, and in what world do either of those actions make any kind of logical sense at all?” Twilight asked. “He… what, I guess flew onto a pirate ship? That’s crazy!”

“I guess our world, because it made perfect sense to him, he did it, and it worked perfectly.” Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple. This was probably the first sign of what was to come, with me and Taya both teaming up against her with logic and reasoning. “Oh, and there was also that time with the naga! He apparently defended their home by leading an attack on the opposing force!”

“Alright, how about this… Would attacking have been necessary if the enemy couldn’t get to the friendly naga in the first place?”

“...Well, it’s not like the other naga would have just gone away, right? You’d have to attack eventually to get rid of them. Why waste magic with a shield in the first place if you could just use magic to fight them instead? That way, daddy wouldn’t have to do it!”

Twilight’s shoulders slumped and she sighed. “Taya, I really don’t think your father wants you fighting. To be honest, I… don’t think he likes magic that much. I’m sure he’d be much happier if you got into healing instead!”

“...Maybe. Oh, if I learned how to heal, I could help him torture more cats!”

“What?!”

Thankfully, the memory ended there. “So apparently my filly was a psychopath for longer than I thought,” I said.

“That’s not true,” Fear said. “You had concerns she was a psychopath much earlier on.”

“I’m gonna have to take your word for it, fam.”

“You can also take mine,” Reason said. “You did have concerns, but you weren’t certain.”

“Well, I’d say I was right. At least in that regard, it wasn’t entirely my fault. I just didn’t help as much as I should have. So, I guess the takeaway here is that Taya was thinking about becoming my vicious attack filly for longer than I thought, too.”

“Is that what you took away from this?” Reason asked.

“Yes. I literally just said it. Why? Is there something else?”

“Yes, there is. Think before you speak. If you hadn’t told those violent stories to Taya and told her anything about battles, she probably wouldn’t have gotten a cutie mark in fighting!”

“That depends on how you look at cutie marks,” I said. “Are they fate or are they possibilities? It’s entirely possible that it was always Taya’s fate to become a warrior, either for me or for Egypt. If cutie marks are just possibilities, then I’d say I was a pretty big part of what made her choose this path.”

“According to Luna, fates are just possibilities,” Reason said. “So when Taya was born, she had many possible fates. Your actions and words pushed her toward the fate of violence.”

“Alright, I’ll accept that. But I’ll also say that Taya having a cutie mark in violence is probably the least of my concerns involving her. Like, it was a fuckup, but there’s really nothing wrong with being a warrior. Especially when, you know, dying in battle is a short-term problem and you never have to worry about being permanently maimed.”

“You still can’t stand the idea of her getting hurt,” Fear said.

“I wouldn’t be able to stand the idea of that even if she wasn’t a warrior. At least this way, I know she can take care of herself. I’ve also been able to arrange to keep her out of any real danger. From the looks of things, she’s having a blast.” Neither of the aspects seemed amused by the pun, but my guide turned light pink for a second or two.

“Do you really think this is good for her?” Fear asked.

“Oh hell no. But her cutie mark is combat magic, as much as I might like to say otherwise. I can’t ask her not to do what she’s best at, especially when I have no excuse to fight, either.”

“Of course you have an excuse,” Reason said. “You are an adult and she is your perma-filly. That’s all the excuse you need. If you let her make the decisions, are you really the adult?”

“...I’m certainly going to do what I can to keep us out of combat in the future. Now that I have Celestia under my pseudo-control, I don’t think I’ll need to do nearly as much of my own dirty work. When it comes time for the Tartarus invasion, I plan to do my best to keep Taya out of the fighting. I don’t want her going against demons.”

“You shouldn’t want her fighting against anything!” Reason said.

“And until I got Luna and took over Celestia, I didn’t really have many other options. I needed magical power. Now I have it in spades and will do my best to keep Taya away from combat. If she doesn’t like it, you’re right. I am the adult and she is my eternafilly. That is the choice she made.”

“A choice we will get to,” my guide said. “Are you ready to move on?”

“Am I?” I asked, looking over to Reason.

“Never forget that you are Taya’s only parent, the only one she respects and obeys. You are the one she will seek to emulate. No matter what else is happening, if you are fighting, she’ll want to join you. And knowing her, she’ll find a way to make it happen. Keep that in mind come Tartarus.”

“I will.” My guide’s eyes flashed and we moved on.

We appeared on the overlook at Cadance’s wedding. Although when I took a second to look around, I saw that Twilight and I weren’t there. That meant it was actually Chrysalis’s wedding. “I guess I’m not surprised to end up here,” I said. “I did kinda help change the course of history. Are we going to be covering the whole week?”

“This is when you were knighted,” Fear said.

“This is when Luna finally tied her strings to you,” Reason said.

“And this is when you saved a queen, a princess, and a wedding,” Pride said.

“All while having your mind twisted to lust by those you trusted,” Pain said.

“This is the last time you felt me for a long time,” Hope said. “The wedding is when I died for so long…” Way to be dramatic.

“So we got the whole crew here this time, huh?” I said, turning around.

“This isn’t all of us,” Reason said. “You just don’t really feel much until you get out of your miasma a little further down the line.”

“Ah. So yeah, a lot of stuff happened this week. Do we have any fun memories?”

“That depends on your definition of fun,” Pain replied with a shrug. “I know I’ll have fun!”

“Sounds like a no to me. Let’s get it over with, then.”

Pain jumped forward and bapped me on the face. Chrysalis and Celestia appeared before me, locked in a staring contest. This was after we crashed the wedding and captured my sweet little bug queen, so she was in a magic bubble.

“It’s nice to finally have you in my dungeon where you belong,” Celestia finally said.

“What do you intend to do with me?” Chrysalis demanded.

“I intended to send you to Tartarus, but one of my new assets convinced me otherwise. He seems to believe we can come to a peace agreement. He even proposed a possible alliance!”

“It seems you put much weight on his words. I know how much you’ve wanted me out of the picture!”

“Oh, Chrysalis, you know I never wanted this,” Celestia said. “I never wanted us to be enemies…”

“Your responses to my requests for aid could have fooled me. So do you intend to force me into some lopsided alliance, then? Turn my changelings into yet another of your vassal races? Allow us to siphon off love like parasites?”

“That’s what your race are, Chrysalis. Parasites. I have no intention of allowing my ponies to be fed upon. But Navarone is intelligent and his mind works in ways I don’t yet fully understand. If he believes a solution can be found, I will allow him the chance to seek one.”

“...Navarone. The winged ape, I assume?”

“The very same. I am placing you in his care while you’re a guest here. I suggest doing your best to accommodate him.”

“I will need to find a way to feed. He is somehow empty of emotion.”

“That… explains some things. I will see to finding you emotions. If you treat Nav with respect, you will be treated with respect in turn. In fact, I assume he’ll be complaining about your treatment.”

“He sounds like an ape after my own heart, assuming you’ve trained him not to throw poo.”

“He’s still only half-trained and loves taking digs at whoever he pleases, so don’t expect to be spared. If he can’t find a solution that we both accept, I’ll allow you a chance to plead your case. If I don’t like what I hear, I’ll condemn you to Tartarus and finally eradicate the changeling race for good.”

In response to that, Chrysalis turned into Celestia. “If you eradicate my children, I’ll find allies in Tartarus. Allies who want to kill this pretty body I’m wearing. And I’ll lead them straight here to you, Celestia. Perhaps I’ll stop by Iceland and invite Bahamut, too. I think he has a few scores he’s been looking forward to settling…”

“Then perhaps I should just kill you instead.” That left them glaring at each other until the door started opening. The memory ended, so I assumed that’s when I walked in.

“Well, that’s an interesting tidbit,” I said. “I’m not really sure how relevant it is to me, though. And who did we even get this memory from? Celestia’s dead.”

“Chrysalis,” Reason said. “Or Moonbeam, I suppose. And of course this memory is relevant. It shows that Celestia actually did trust you.”

“Of course she trusted me back then. She wouldn’t have been using me if she didn’t trust me. That was never in doubt.”

“There’s trust and then there’s trust,” Pride said. “Celestia knew you could handle any task she gave you. With that in mind, she allowed you to decide what would become of Chrysalis. That’s a huge responsibility.”

“A huge responsibility that she never really told me about,” I said. “She did say that I would be one of the ones that could visit Chrysalis, but she didn’t say anything about me being the deciding factor. At least, not to me. Does it really count as a defining moment in my life if I never knew it happened?”

“It does,” Reason said. “For the simple fact that despite not knowing about your responsibility, you accomplished what she desired.”

“In record time, too,” Fear said. She reached up and poked me, placing me in front of Luna and Celestia.

“Love poison…?” Luna slowly said. “That’s ingenious! Does it actually work?”

“That remains to be seen,” Celestia said. “And yes, not only is it ingenious, but he came up with it so quickly that I can’t help but be impressed.”

“I told you from the start not to underestimate him, sister,” Luna said.

“And I never have,” Celestia quickly replied. “I have been giving him test after test so I can estimate him appropriately. So far, he has passed most with flying colors. To that end, I haven’t finished estimating him at all. But I assure you, when I am finished, I will absolutely not make the mistake of underestimating our wonderful human.”

“My wonderful human,” Luna said. “He will become my knight.”

“Perhaps. He doesn’t seem to like the idea of knighthood at all. Perhaps being my knight would put him more at ease…”

“You said he would be mine!”

“I did. But far be it from me to force him to pick the princess he’s scared of! I think he might be happier with me.”

“I highly doubt his warrior heart could ever appreciate a soft mare like you.”

“Perhaps… But he does appreciate a mare who’s never tried to slip him love poison before.” Luna’s ears fell back against her head. “So it’s actually true? You tried drugging him?”

“It’s not like it worked!”

“And if it had? What, were you just going to keep him as a lovestruck pet? You know love poison clouds the mind! He would be worthless in that state!”

“Better worthless and in my care than being used with little to no training!”

Celestia sighed and lifted a hoof to rub her temple. “I’m trying to work with you here, Luna. I really am. I didn’t immediately immolate him when it became clear this might be more than a simple crush. In fact, I even put you in a position to sleep with him. But you’re really making it hard to find excuses to allow him to keep living. Did you really think I’d let you just keep him?”

“Yes. I assumed you cared more about your sister’s happiness!”

“And you don’t see anything wrong at all with utterly subjugating Nav and turning him into your love slave?”

“Why would I? You’re proposing to do the same thing by making him my knight. Once he’s forced to follow my orders, his silly reservations will no longer matter!”

“I am not giving Nav to you so you can rape him all you want,” Celestia said. “And if I ever find out that you use your position to force yourself on him, I will immediately remove him from you. That is utterly unacceptable.”

“Then what am I even supposed to do with him? You haven’t given me any duties!”

“You are a princess, Luna. Perhaps you should take initiative. But if you are incapable of coming up with your own tasks, I would be happy to place one upon you.”

“I can think of all kinds of fun things to do with my own army. How is Mexico this time of year? I bet it’s ripe for conquering…”

“I suppose taking initiative is still beyond you. When I was forced to flee the old capital in what became the Everfree Forest, several things were left behind. One of them was the dream machine. I would like you to obtain it and reactivate it.”

“You just… left it there?”

“There were more pressing concerns and I had a feeling it would remain safe. Send Nav and some troops to get it. It’s time we see how he behaves when in command.”

“As you wish. If his idea to use love poison does pan out, what will become of Chrysalis?”

“As he was quick to point out, there are several uses for an army of shapeshifters. Perhaps it’s time to bring our dear Moonbeam back into the fold.”

“Perhaps. Be wary of using that name. I’m not sure if it still enrages her.”

“It very much does. I suggest reintroducing yourself, if you haven’t already.”

“That will be my next stop. And Nav is in the room next to hers?”

“He is. Feel free to have your fun, if he’s willing. I know I will! Just be wary of Chrysalis hearing.”

“I am, as ever, discreet.” The memory ended, bringing me back into the wedding. At this point, Chrysalis was loudly monologuing.

“So, that was mad spooksville,” I said. “Luna didn’t seem to have any regrets at all about the love poison thing.”

“And she was planning on misusing her power over you,” Fear said.

“Which is why you hoped beyond hope that you could escape their grasp,” Hope said. “Which is why you acted out as much as possible before to seem as unknightly as possible…”

“Well, that was part of why. The other part involved the multiple lust spells I was under at the time. I certainly hoped I could avoid being forced into knighthood because I knew exactly why they were doing it. With me magically oathed to Luna, I would be forced into their servitude for what I assumed would be the rest of my life.”

“A situation the two princesses seemed to enjoy, of course,” Reason said. “You’re surprised by all the cruel things Celestia did to her sister.”

“I am. She’s openly holding Luna’s love for me over her head and constantly reminding Luna how I want nothing to do with her. That’s just… mean and petty.”

“So are we going to talk about the love poison idea?” Pain asked. “Because I really think we should.”

“When I came up with the idea, I was expecting Celestia to use things like pirates, rapists, cannibals, and other trash. I wasn’t expecting her to use the changelings to dispose of troublesome political prisoners.”

“Does that really make it better?” Reason asked.

“Probably not. What other alternatives are there? To this day, I still can’t think of anything. What Discord said about integrating changelings into society as servants and other lower class workers was interesting, but cruel. I want more for Moonbeam and the changeling race. I also want more for the prisoners being used to feed them. I just… don’t know another solution. I considered the cloning pool, but I don’t know if that’s really better.”

“Whether or not there is an alternate solution has little to do with the guilt you feel,” Pain said. “It seeps out of you whenever you’re reminded of it. You always try to explain it away or rationalize it. But you know you’re just as much the cause of their fates as Celestia herself.”

“That’s bullshit. I didn’t decide who ended up as changeling food. I just came up with the idea. I offered it to Celestia and suggested that she use prisoners. She made the choice of who got to go. Innocent ponies wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for my suggestion, but that doesn’t mean them ending up there was my fault.”

“A fine distinction, I’m sure,” Pain sarcastically replied. “So you came up with an incredibly evil idea and gave it to someone you knew was a tyrant. Tell me, were you surprised by the outcome?”

“Yes. When Watcher told me, I was shocked. I knew Celestia was a tyrant. I knew she was evil. But through it all, I knew that all she wanted was what she thought was best for her ponies. Finding out that she willingly sacrificed innocent ponies who just made the mistake of having the wrong opinion or asking the wrong question confirmed in my mind that it was time to deal with Celestia.”

“Does your shock excuse you?” Fear asked. “What do your intentions matter when you compare them to the true results?”

“Are you going to blame the man who invented the oven for the holocaust?” I asked. “I came up with an idea. Somebody else put that idea into practice, disregarding the suggestions I gave them.”

“The oven wasn’t intended to radically alter the way human minds worked in an attempt to make them constantly exude love.”

“You’re right. The oven was intended to produce food. You know, kinda like my idea to use love poison to generate food for the changelings.”

“You’re dancing behind words,” Reason said. “We all see straight through you. Your guilt is plain as day.”

I sighed and looked over at Chrysalis, who was now wrapped up in a bubble. “What was I supposed to do? You’re right. I do feel guilt for the idea I came up with, but… What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let the changelings die out…”

“Not everything is your responsibility to fix, you know,” Hope said.

“You’re right. But I put that responsibility on myself the moment I made the choice to stop Celestia from sending her to Tartarus. I couldn’t in good conscience allow that to happen. So I came up with a monstrous idea. A monstrous idea to solve an imminent crisis. And yet, now that I’ve had more time to come up with something better, I… haven’t. I very honestly and truthfully just don’t know what else to do.”

“When no good solution exists, does it make sense to feel guilt for picking what seems like the least awful choice?” my guide asked.

“I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but I know that I do,” I said. “I wish the feeling would leave me, but it isn’t so easy.”

“Have you tried taking pride in saving a race from extinction?” Pride asked.

“Yes. The guilt makes such pride impossible.”

“It’ll all go away if you just kill Pain,” Hope said. “Then you can feel all the pride and hope you want!”

“I would feel very lonely,” Fear said.

“You wouldn’t be feeling anything after Nav gets done with you,” Pride said. “You’re next on the chopping block after Pain!”

“I’m not here to kill anyone,” I said. “I’m here to fix all of you and get you all working together. So, I feel guilt for coming up with my idea to use prisoners for changeling food. What do I do to fix that?”

“Some things can’t be fixed,” Reason said. “This choice has been made. There might be some time you feel peace with it, but not now. There is nothing you can do, but you must stop hiding your feelings behind rationalizations and facades. If you can’t even be honest to yourself, how can you ever expect to be honest to others?”

“Because I hate myself more than I hate most others?”

“Perhaps we should move on to the next memory,” Fear said. She reached over and poked me. This time, I beheld Luna, Chrysalis, and Doppel. They were in Chrysalis’s chambers in the palace.

“Why were you antagonizing Navarone?” Luna coldly asked.

“I was doing nothing of the sort,” Chrysalis said. “That brute struck me!”

“Navarone is no brute. He is ill-mannered at times, but not on the whole violent. If he struck you, you deserved it. What did you do?”

“I became his sister, not that it’s any of your business.”

“Navarone has a sister?” Luna asked.

“...Did you not know? Odd. I assumed you two knew everything there was to know about that thing.”

“He has spoken little of his home, less of his family. Do not antagonize him again.”

“Or what, he’ll punch me again? I’ll be ready to defend myself, next time.”

“If you harm a hair on that human’s head, I’ll finally finish off the last of Discord’s chosen freaks!”

That made Chrysalis chuckle, oddly enough. “Oh, my dear sweet little Luna… I brought you into this world, crying and screaming. If you push me, I’ll make sure you leave it the same way.”

“Big words, for a bug in a cage. I could squash you with nary an effort. I believe your horn and crown would look good in my trophy room!”

“Well, it’s good to know a thousand years on the moon hasn't changed you in the slightest,” Moonie said. “You’re still as mindlessly bloodthirsty as ever.”

“You’ve grown quite thin, yourself. I trust you weren’t attempting to feed on my human, were you?”

“He offered his emotions freely. In fact, he was quite eager to feed me his oh-so delicious sorrow!”

“What?” Luna hissed.

“His emotions are very strange,” Chrysalis said. “Muted, in a way. They’re actually embedded into his memories, not felt openly on his sleeve. I’ve never seen anything like it! The taste of his sorrow was so bittersweet I almost couldn’t take it… That human is very deeply troubled. I can’t wait to taste him again!”

“Your permission to touch his mind and emotions is now revoked,” Luna said. “And if I find out you’re doing it again, I’ll kill you by hoof!”

“Celestia herself gave me permission to feed as needed,” Chrysalis said. “And Navarone has volunteered his services to me. Wouldn’t you rather I feed on him than on a pony?”

“I would rather you starve!”

“Well, it will be up to you to explain to Celestia why you murdered such a valuable asset after I fed on your precious human. As for myself, I have no intention of stopping. He is delicious and I shall feed on him as often as offered!”

“I shall arrange to have an orphan brought to you instead. You can feed off it as much as you like. I’m sure you’d prefer feeding off a helpless foal even more.”

That actually seemed to make Chrysalis angry. “Get out.”

Luna looked down at the dent in Moonie’s chest and smirked. Her horn lit up and the dent popped out. “Be wary of angering the human, Chrysalis. Given the chance, he’ll find your weak spots quickly.” When Chrysalis didn’t reply, Luna turned to leave and the memory ended.

“And so the cycle of cruelty continued,” I said. “Celestia was mean to Luna, who was in turn mean to Chrysalis. If I had to guess, I’d say Chrysalis turned around and was mean to Doppel, because Doppel was mean to me the next day.”

“Luna is not very wise,” Reason said. “She quite easily and quickly gave away how important you were to her.”

“Without even a hesitation,” I said. “Trust me, I’ve figured out exactly how unwise she is. I’m going to have to keep her on a tight leash for a while. So, aside from the fact that I was causing some pretty scary catfighting sooner than I thought, what was I supposed to take from that?”

“The situation you have placed yourself into is untenable,” Reason said. “You are surrounded on all sides by powerful women who are all constantly jockeying for position. You can see here, before you even declared any of them to be a possible partner, they are already close to fighting over you.”

“So, basically what I said a few memories ago,” I said. “Only this time with some actual evidence.”

“As another point, this shows how protective Luna is,” Pride said. “If she was like this then, I imagine she’s only worse now.”

“Again, this is something I’m well aware of. Being placed on her back every time I opened my mouth at the bunker did plenty to showcase it. I’m working on fixing her. It’s just going to take time.”

“Are you sure it’s worth it?” Pain asked. “You were able to fix Celestia immediately with Flo’s help! I’m sure Luna would be happy to allow you to use an elemental to fix her most troublesome qualities. You wouldn’t even have to kill her entire personality, just the bad pieces!”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Why not?” Reason asked. “It would be the quickest, safest way to solve the problem. There’s no telling who Luna might hurt before you’re capable of stabilizing her. With at the very least an elemental in her head to keep her from doing anything stupid—”

“Imma stop you right there,” I said. “That sounds an awful lot like something a water elemental pushing her way into my coma would say. I’m not going to use the elementals to control Luna. I don’t care if it’s the reasonable thing to do or not, it’s the wrong thing to do. Celestia left us no choice. Luna is trying to change. I’m going to give her the chance.”

“Are you prepared for the next memory?” my guide asked.

“Do you mean that there are more scenes to see attached to the wedding, or are you asking if I’m ready to move on from the wedding to whatever’s next?”

“The first. There are a few more scenes.”

“Wow. Then yeah, bring on the next.”

Pride reached over and poked me. I got dumped in the throne room with Celestia, Cadance, Shiny, and a few redshirt guards.

“I got the location of the cave the changelings are in from Nav,” Celestia said. “I want you to ensure we have eyes on it at all times.”

“Of course, Princess,” Shiny said. “Is the queen still secure?”

“Yes. She certainly doesn’t seem very pleased with the situation.”

“Neither am I!” Cadance said. “She needs to be jailed!”

“I am going to deal with Chrysalis,” Celestia said. “And we will speak about her more later. For now, I wish to ask you both about something else.”

“I think Queen Chrysalis might be the most pressing thing to talk about at the moment,” Cadance said. “Why can’t we talk about her now? I want to know how you plan to punish her!”

“Because as nice as it would be to punish her for what she’s done, what feels nice isn’t always the same as what’s wise. We’ll let Chrysalis cool her hooves in her little bubble. We shall deal with her when we all have cooler heads and let wisdom prevail over revenge. I would like to talk about Navarone.”

“What about him?” Shiny asked.

“Particularly, his history of service to Equestria.”

“I don’t know much about it,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “Other than his brief stint as a guard. Speaking of, I’d like to lodge a formal complaint. Maybe more than one, actually.” She paused for a second or two before sighing and hanging her head. “Make it at least five…”

“What did he do to you?” Shiny asked.

“He kept her safe from Chrysalis and then helped me defeat that bug while the rest of my guards and subjects just stood around watching,” Celestia answered. “He alone judged that I was beginning to lose the duel of magic and he alone stood to support me. He alone saw straight through her disguise and was banished to the caverns along with Cadance because of it, where he kept her sane. And, even more interestingly, he won the European tournament all by himself.”

“By cheating!” Cadance yelled.

“What rule did he break?” Celestia asked. Cadance just sighed.

“...I didn’t think there were any rules,” Shiny said.

“You would be thinking correctly,” Celestia said. “And need I remind you of what he accomplished in both of his trips to Egypt?”

“Uh, yeah?” Cadance said. “I mean, you and Luna have told me a little about him, but not really much!”

“He helped lead a slave revolt on his first trip to Egypt that ended up with a pro-Equestrian coup,” Shiny said. “The second time he was there, he protected the new Equestrian ambassador from assassins and provided the new pro-Equestrian king with the information he needed to completely secure his power. To be honest, I was and am impressed by what he accomplished, but I remain heavily concerned about his attitude.”

“Oh, I can agree with that,” Cadance said. “All of my complaints were about how rude and mean he was. Oh, and how… how lewd he was…”

“What did he do to you?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“Nothing to me!” she quickly replied. “Sorry, I should have followed that up. It was just to others, although he never did it when it wasn’t reciprocated.”

“Behaviors can change,” Celestia said. “And I’m going to ensure that Nav begins changing his.”

“So why do you bring him up?” Cadance asked.

“Because I’m of the opinion that he should be rewarded for his efforts. Luna was considering knighthood.”

“I agree,” Shiny said. “If you can ensure his behavior will improve, I would happily recommend him for a knighthood. I wasn’t really capable of noticing anything in the fight against Chrysalis, but if he helped you defeat her, he deserves at least that much.”

“Oooh, can I make him a love knight?” Cadance asked. “I bet that would teach him a lesson!”

“As tempting as that is, I’m afraid not,” Celestia said. “He is close with Luna. I believe he will help her rebuild the Lunar Order.”

“That would be good,” Cadance said. “She needs a few friends.”

“You should try talking to her more, then,” Shiny said.

“I tried. She was not having it. That’s why I don’t eat with Aunty anymore.”

“If you did, you might know more of Nav,” Celestia said. “He’s joined us before.”

“When he becomes a knight and his behaviors improve, I might take you up on that,” Cadance said. “It’ll be nice to see Luna with something other than a scowl on her face.”

And that was the end of that particular memory. “So what would Celestia have done if they both hated the idea of making me a knight?” I asked. “Because she already had her mind made up at this point, since it was after she told me.”

“This is Celestia we’re talking about,” Pride said. “She was incapable of recognizing the possibility that someone else might have a different opinion. If someone else did somehow have another opinion, it was obviously wrong and they needed to be put in their place. So I guess if they got upset about it, she would tell them tough tiddies.”

“I guess so. It was nice hearing Shiny actually saying something pleasant about me. For a while there, he really just didn’t like me.”

“And why might that be, I wonder?” Reason said.

“Probably for the long list of reasons Cadance gave me, if I had to guess,” I said. “I wasn’t exactly fair to him all the time. So what was I supposed to take from this one?”

“Your knighthood wasn’t actually a punishment,” Reason said. “At least, not to the vast majority of ponies. They all saw it as an honor. Coming out and telling everyone how the princesses were punishing you was unwise.”

“Challenging someone’s worldview is never a bad thing,” I said, booping her on the nose. It made me feel really smart for a second or two. “Although you’re kinda right, in some ways. I knew on some level that I was being showered with rewards for a reason, but I wasn’t ready to believe I deserved anything nice. That obviously meant it had to be a punishment. With that in mind, I focused on all the negatives of everything I was given. For the most part, that was a fair assessment: Celestia clearly wanted to be able to use me and forcing me to swear an oath made that easy. That said, it was still a position of value and in some ways a great honor. I certainly don’t think I should be thankful that she tied a leash around my neck, but that doesn’t mean it was all bad.”

“Challenging someone’s worldview is usually unwise, actually,” Reason said. “Especially when they are not ready to hear it. Do you know how many so-called friends went behind your back to tell the princess what you said?”

“If you’re asking that, I’m guessing it’s more than one.”

Reason reached up and booped me. This time, it was Twilight and Celestia in Twilight’s super nerdy room in the palace. “I’m… concerned about Nav, Princess,” Twilight said.

“As am I. Some of his antics this week have been… off-putting. But don’t forget that you had a hoof in some of those antics. Nav may be willing to set what happened between you two aside, but don’t think he will readily forget.”

Twilight’s ears sank. “I… I know. But there’s something else… Something he said…”

“Oh dear,” Celestia said with a sigh. “Cadance has had quite a lot to say about his behavior as well. Trust me, I will be nipping that nonsense in the bud once he is knighted.”

“That’s the thing!” Twilight said. “That’s what he’s worried about!”

“...Oh?”

Twilight looked down for a moment before sighing. “He thinks you’re just making him a knight so he’ll be forced to obey you… I don’t understand why he can’t trust you!”

“Navarone has done many great deeds,” Celestia said. “I’m not surprised he’s worried about my intent. But you don’t need to worry, Twilight. He has decided to become Luna’s knight. He will be under no obligation to obey me, and you know how much he means to Luna.”

“Of course I wasn’t worried, Princess. I know you would never do that to anypony. But… I don’t really know what to say to Nav. He’s getting this huge honor but he’s doing his best to weasel out of it!”

Celestia smiled and used a hoof to boop Twilight. “Don’t you worry about a thing, my most studious apprentice. Nav is going to be granted this honor and there’s absolutely nothing he can do to stop it! I’ll be sure to have a talk with him about his attitude. This is a joyous occasion for him. Soon, he’ll be Luna’s most prized possession.”

“I know, but I think the idea of being owned… puts him off. He isn’t used to royalty.”

“To be honest, not much will really change for him. Most of his tasks will be the same, he’ll just have a much higher class and a few more responsibilities. I’m sure he’ll grow into the role in time.”

“And we’ll all do our best to help him in Ponyville,” Twilight said with a proud nod. “Be sure to set him straight, Princess! Most guards would love a chance to be knighted!”

“Oh, don’t worry, I will…” The extremely pleasant tone she used sent shivers down my spine. Thankfully, that was the end of the memory.

“So, Twiggles was a fucking traitor,” I said. “What a complete and total shocker.”

“This is, as you suspected, a trend,” Reason said. “And it happens basically every time you get more accolades from the princess and called them for what they were.”

“And yet Celestia never said anything to me about it,” I said. “At least, not really.”

“It was true and she knew the only way to make you stop saying it was to force you to stop,” Hope said. “Look how Twilight eats that nonsense from Celestia’s hoof. She knew nobody would believe you. There was no harm in letting it continue and allowing you to think you had a free voice.”

“Hearing that in my sweet little filly’s voice stung a lot more than I thought it would, but you’re right. The only people who would believe me were either powerless to stop it or complicit.”

“You were completely alone and completely helpless,” Fear said. “Even if anybody cared enough to help you, who would have dared stand up to Celestia?”

“I was terrified,” I said. “Completely and totally terrified. To be honest, it felt like the only one who could really understand me at the time was Chrysalis. All I knew about her at the time is that she tried to take over Equestria, so that felt pretty weird.”

“The only one?” my guide asked. “Not your own filly?”

“No, I didn’t feel like she could understand. More to the point, I didn’t think it was her burden to bear. I wanted to keep her sheltered from Celestia and what I was going through. That ended up not being possible, but I was trying.”

“Is that really why?” Pain asked.

“I mean, I hope so. Do you guys have a memory that contradicts it? Because to be honest, I really don’t remember that well.”

“You never even considered telling her,” Pride said.

“Oh. Is that because I wanted to keep her sheltered from Celestia?”

“It just never came to mind as something possibly even worth considering,” Reason said.

“...Well, that certainly makes it sound bad. I was not a good parent. I want to get better. What should I have really told Taya here?”

“Nothing,” Reason said. “She couldn’t have understood and it wasn’t her burden to bear. It was your responsibility to keep her sheltered from Celestia and what you were going through.”

“Then what’s the problem? I didn’t tell her anything!”

“I’d say the problem is that you just didn’t even consider it,” Pain said. “At no point did you ever consider possibly telling your daughter the truth. You never considered doing a lot of things with her.”

“Is that what I sound like when I say things like that to people?” I asked.

“No, your voice is too droning,” Reason said. “Kat’s voice is suited for sadism. It’s obvious she takes pleasure in hurting you. The pain you cause is usually deeper and more subtle.”

Oh. “So once again, I’m a shitty parent. I didn’t and probably still don’t think about Taya enough. Do we have any more plot points to expose here or are we done with the wedding?”

“We have one more,” Fear said. She reached over and caressed my cheek.

Once again, it was Luna and Celestia. This time we were in Celestia’s room and Luna looked pissed. “You put a lust spell over him!” Luna screamed.

“Over who, exactly?” Celestia calmly asked.

“Don’t you dare! He is mine!”

“So I assume this he you refer to is Navarone, then?”

“Don’t you even try to play this game with me, Celestia. I know exactly what you did and I know you weren’t the only one!”

“He wasn’t yours when I put that spell on him. Our little human was just another one of our shared subjects. I didn’t see any reason not to make use of him during my heat. And believe me, he did not disappoint! I’ll definitely be borrowing him a few times.”

“You will do nothing of the sort!” Luna shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “You will stay away from my human!”

“Oh? And what do you think he would say about that?” Celestia asked with a small grin. “He isn’t happy with you, Luna. You are, after all, the one who just took away his freedom! I’m sure he could use a reassuring voice telling him that everything is going to be okay…”

“The reassuring voice of his one true princess of the night will be enough. You will not take another love away from me!”

“I’ve never taken anyone away from you, Luna,” Celestia said. “You always drive them off and they have to come to me for protection. The sooner you accept that this always ends in pain for everybody, the sooner you can stop this nonsense!”

“You always turn them against me! You always—”

“I always try to help those that you hurt, Luna. You’ve already used a wild animal to attack Nav and you tried to use love poison on him. There’s no way I could possibly leave him solely in your hooves. You would destroy that poor human in a heartbeat.”

“As if you’re so innocent. You sent him to Egypt under threat of imprisonment! Twice!”

“I was furthering Equestria’s interests by investing in talent. You were trying to satisfy your lust for that half-ape predator. It was the same with that dragon of yours!”

“Reginald served Equestria well!”

“And almost led us straight into a war. I’ll be keeping a very close eye on you and Nav, Luna. And my talks with him will continue.” Luna looked even more pissed and finally just teleported out. That ended the memory.

“So how much of that was true and how much of it was Celestia trying to justify her actions?” I asked.

“I would say that the external pressure from Celestia is usually what makes Luna rush and make mistakes that drive her suitors away,” Reason said. “It seems obvious that at some point, Luna realized she was competing with her sister and wanted to make sure your attentions stayed on her.”

“And if I was willing to help Celestia with her heat, that meant I had to be willing to help Luna with hers. God, don’t tell me that’s what’s next.”

“It’s not next,” my guide said. “But it is on the itinerary.”

Super. “So what’s my takeaway from this one? I already knew Celestia was a bitch and that Luna has a bad track record with lovers.”

“You actually don’t know much about Luna’s past life,” Reason said. “She could have had any number of lovers before you. Chrysalis said Luna had a reputation, but you never learned any actual details.”

“I… haven’t, actually. Luna mentioned that she had been married before, but all for political reasons. She did not, however, mention any past lovers. I think Celestia did mention that Luna was really bad at dealing with suitors, but it’s been a while. It’s entirely possible Chrysalis and Celestia both knew what was coming.”

“Given what you just heard, I’d say Celestia absolutely knew,” Fear said. “It sounded like she recognized it was only a matter of time.”

“Obviously you know how psychotic Luna is now,” Hope said. “How would things have changed if you appeared in Equestria with your knowledge?”

“I would have played Twilight just long enough to obtain some bits, then I’d go straight to Gryphus and find a way to speak to the king. I would introduce myself, explain who I was and what I knew, and ask for a chance to prove my worth. Absolutely fuck the ponies.”

“That is an unwise answer,” Reason said. “Celestia may be evil, but remember how much of what happened to you was caused by your status as a human. You’ve seen how bad Kat has gotten around you. Imagine a crowd of griffins.”

“I think griffin suitors would be more fun than magical suitors who can force me to take an oath that requires me to obey their every order. These ponies are fucking psycho. Celestia and Luna turned themselves into gods and made heresy a mortal sin. And ever since I got here, they have been working together to use me. I think I’d happily take a lovey-dovey catbird waifu in place of all that pain and horror.”

“Gotta make sure to seduce Princess Gilda quickly, though,” Pride said.

“Nah, she’s a lesbo. I doubt I’d end up with a title, anyway. I’d be happy to settle with a super kinky commoner. Anyway, enough about pleasant could-have-beens. Let’s continue unfucking the actually-happeneds. What’s next?”

“The final take-away from the last scene is simple,” Pain said. “You need to learn more about the personal past of Luna.”

“Not just Luna,” Reason said. “All of your followers and friends. Many of them have dark secrets, as you’ve most definitely seen. You need to learn more about their past behaviors so you can plan accordingly how to properly deal with them.”

“Man, I don’t wanna deal with that,” I sighed. “I mean, actually talking to people? Ugh.”

“The quickest way to do it would be to use the water elementals,” Reason said. “At this point, several of your companions have been hosts. It’s possible the waters could just give you their memories.”

“I’m not doing that. Talking will be better. I just really don’t wanna.”

“I hope you’ll get over it,” my fake filly said.

“Trust me, I’ve learned full well that life is suffering. I’ll do it, even if I don’t want to. So, any closing statements on the wedding?”

“This is when your descent into depravity truly began,” Pride said. “Discovering that lust spells were placed on you destroyed your trust and self-worth. Being drugged and raped only hastened the process.”

“And Celestia acted like it was her right,” I said. “Her right to subvert my will and mind. And they both so casually and smugly called me property. It’s no wonder I fell so hard.”

“They both proudly destroyed as much of you as they could,” Hope said. “It’s not surprising I went to sleep for so long after this…”

“At some points, it felt like I was just living in a haze,” I said. “Like I was on autopilot. Just… lost.”

“That can happen when one loses all sense of control,” Pride said. “They stole your autonomy.”

“Yep. Well, on that depressing note, I guess it’s time to move on to the next one.”

The guide’s eyes lit up and we teleported out. This time, we appeared in Twilight’s treebrary. I was downstairs and completely filthy, so it was probably after I got back from the forest. Spike, Taya, and Twilight were also with me. It didn’t take me much longer to spot the cursed artifacts. The treebrary had a lot more vines and flowers than usual, so much so that they were curling around Twilight and Spike.

“This was right after I found those things,” I said.

“It was,” my guide said. “I believe seeing this might be enough for you to understand the take-away. Would you like to take a guess?”

“Don’t trust cursed artifacts.”

“Bingo,” Pride said. I turned around and he was the only one there. “Surprised?”

“Yes, actually. I figured Twilight would be here to butt her nose in on everything. So I got artifacts that Celestia and Luna both told me upfront were cursed and I never once hesitated to use any of them… until it was too late.”

“You were too proud of your newfound magic resistance,” Pride said. “That is what drove you to use them so irresponsibly.”

“Yeah, that’s true. It’s easy to accept the idea of receiving an abstract curse when faced with the very real threat of magic. The ring saved my life a few times. I’m never going to use it again, but I’d say it served its purpose.”

“And the key was useful. You’ll never admit it, but you’re happy Kat got the curse instead of you.”

“Fuck yes I’ll admit it,” I said. “At least, I’ll admit it in here. I wish it had never happened to anybody, but if it had to happen to someone, Kat is the one I’m happy can no longer put her paws on me. She has a lot of karma coming and this was only a small drop in the bucket.”

“You should tell Kat,” Pride said.

“That’s literally retarded.”

“You already called her crazy and completely and utterly tore her down in front of everyone else,” he replied. “Why not make the destruction of her self-esteem complete?”

“Because I shouldn’t have said it in the first place. Kat’s mind is broken. I don’t need to make it worse by provoking her. I already apologized, but I might do it again. So, do we have any memories associated with this one?”

“We do,” Pride said. He reached out and booped me.

It was another Celestia and Luna memory. They were at breakfast this time and Celestia looked irate. “What do you mean, you gave him the items?!” she demanded.

“It’s very self-explanatory, sister,” Luna smugly replied. “I returned the magical items to my knight. I believe they will increase his potency.”

“You and I both know they’re cursed! He found them in the same place we found the Elements of Harmony!”

“And the same place I found that mirror,” Luna sighed. “Trust me sister, I know full well.”

“Then why would you do this?”

“Several reasons. For one, this is a test.”

“A test. You’re putting Nav’s life at risk for a test.”

“I recall you telling me that Egypt was a test.”

“So what exactly are you testing, then?”

For some reason, Luna grinned. “His intelligence! He knows the items are cursed. Let’s see how often he uses them despite that. If he’s dumb enough to use them so much that he gets cursed, then he deserves it! And if he’s smart enough to use them in such a way that he avoids curses, he deserves to have the relics.”

“So you give him a ring that completely and utterly blocks magic.”

“Indeed. I’d be quite interested in seeing what the curse for that would be…”

“What if he goes rogue?”

“Then I’ll kill him with a sword. Simple.”

Celestia actually stared at her sister for a few long seconds before clearing her throat. “How, exactly, will you do that?”

“Magic, obviously.”

“The ring blocks magic.”

“Correct. It doesn’t block swords.”

“And if the sword is controlled by magic?”

“Then I throw it. Now that I think about it, a spear would be better. So I’ll use a spear. If I throw it at him using magic, it’ll impact him with all the momentum the magic gave it without actually being thrust into him with magic.”

“...That actually makes me feel much better. That is a point I hadn’t considered.”

“Although now that I really think about it, I might use a club instead. Then I’ll take the ring off and finally make him mine.”

“No, you’ll make him ours. So what will you do if he goes rogue outside of your immediate vicinity?”

“Hunt him down like an animal. Navarone is extremely noticeable. There aren’t too many bipeds out there. If we seal the ports and shut down the rail lines, he would be relatively easy to find.”

“If you’re extremely lucky. And what of the key? He could use it to access all manner of interesting things.”

“While leaving a trail of evidence so wide there would be no doubt who was at fault. Things opened by the key cannot be locked again. If he uses it to steal anything, determining guilt will be easy.”

“And I see no downside in allowing him to become female. If the friendship reports Rarity sends are accurate, those stones will finally allow our dear sweet Navi to feel peace…”

“Are you talking about the mare who enjoys dressing little colts up as fillies?”

Celestia shrugged. “I honestly don’t remember. It’s hard for me to pretend to care. Keep an eye on your knight, Luna. You’ve given him several powerful tools. We’ll have to make sure he behaves.”

“Don’t you worry, dearest sister. I’m keeping a very close eye on my human. You know, I think it might be time to bring him to live here in Canterlot instead of that musty old library with that student of yours.”

“I don’t think my student would appreciate that. She quite enjoys her human friend. He does wonders to keep her calm.”

“It’s hard to notice.”

“That’s because you barely knew her before Nav started assisting with her heat.” Luna’s ears twitched. “Believe me, he’s doing wonders for that poor mare.”

“Yes, I most definitely believe it’s time to move my knight here. He needs to start working more with my troops!”

“And more with your innards, I imagine. If Nav lived closer, your head would constantly either be in the stars or between his legs. Twilight will continue taking care of him for now.”

“He is my knight, not yours!”

“And what do you think Nav wants, hm?” Celestia asked. “He seems happy in Ponyville and he definitely seems to hate Canterlot. More to the point, I imagine he’s still afraid of you and upset you enslaved him.”

“Good thing what he wants doesn’t matter. I am his princess! My word is law! I’ll move him straight to my bedchambers if he attempts to fight me!”

“Oh, yes. Please, tell me how that worked out for you last time.”

“I did a good thing for mares everywhere!”

Celestia facehooved. “Luna, being the cause of restraining orders isn’t something to brag about! That poor stallion was traumatized!”

“And Nav is tougher!”

The big mare looked back up. “I’m starting to have my doubts. I do believe Nav is mentally stronger than the average pony, but he is absolutely not what we thought he was when we first decided to use him. If I had known at the time what his strengths were, I never would have sent him to Egypt. He is not a warrior, he is a strategist. And as a strategist, the less traumatized he is, the more useful he will be. So he is absolutely not moving to your bedchambers. He’ll be staying right there in Ponyville until his manners improve and he heals some of the mental damage incurred so far in our service. I don’t want you causing any more to him!”

“I see absolutely no way living in my bedchambers could have anything but positive effects on my handsome toy. He’d get plenty of exercise, all the food he could ever want, and if he really behaved, I might let him out of his cage to go for walks!”

“You know what, I think I’m full,” Celestia said, pushing her plate away. “And we’re done talking about this. Nav is staying right where he is, end of story.” Or end of memory, as it so happened.

“Welp, that was fucked up,” I said. “But I honestly expected nothing less.”

“How’s it feel to have two princesses fighting over your cock?” Pride asked.

“Scary, actually. If it was two human princesses, it might not be as bad. But these princesses have a fuckton of magic and aren’t afraid to use it to get their way.”

“Did you ever consider that maybe sleeping with both of them at the same time wasn’t wise?” Pride asked.

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. Shouldn’t you be encouraging me to fuck bitches?”

“Not when it might lead to death. There’s doing something worthy of pride and then there’s doing something dumb.”

“Well, to answer your question, yes. And to answer your followup question of why I chose to do it anyway, fear. My fear of the possible consequences of sleeping with both of them was trumped by my fear of turning either of them down. I’d say that fear was well warranted, given the ease with which Celestia justified raping me in the last memory and how often Luna talks about doing horrible things to me.”

“That makes sense. And did you feel so pressured into dicking down Chrysalis? Or Princess Gilda?”

“The first time I fucked Chrysalis was part morbid curiosity, part resignation, and part lust spell. The first time I fucked Gilda was solely for my pride. I wanted to deflower a princess and she was all too willing to let me. I do feel bad about breaking my promise to her father, though. Still, I don’t think he would begrudge me the results. She’s considerably less bitchy now.”

“I wonder… was that your decision?” Pride asked. “Aqua told you she made two choices for you. She didn’t make the choice to sleep with Gilda, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t influence you. Putting another ruler under her thumb would be quite nice.”

“Well, I guess we can look at it when we get there. And if we don’t end up seeing it, I’ll just force her to tell me. For now, I think I got what I needed from here, though it’s a lesson I already learned.”

“Then let’s move on,” my guide said.

The next memory didn’t pull any punches: It put me directly in front of a wall of flame. After I had a second to catch my bearings, I realized we were at the diamond dog mine near Ponyville. This was during the fiery genocide.

“Well, can’t say I’m surprised to end up here,” I said. “I wanted to do things peacefully, but that wasn’t an option fate presented me.”

“Not all dark choices can be circumvented,” Reason said from behind me.

“And they should never be celebrated,” Pain said. “Chrysalis enjoyed herself. You did not.”

“You found yourself feeling angry at the dogs,” Rage said. Wow, been a while since he showed his face. “Why did they force you to make this choice? Why did they refuse peace?”

That seemed to be all of them, so I turned around. “Are we gonna get answers to any of those questions?” I asked.

“You already know the answer,” Reason said. “Stubbornness and violence were in their nature. Such was their lot as half-fae.”

“Not to mention their lot as criminals,” Rage said. “Why you feel any guilt over them is beyond me. So they were nice to you. They enslaved ponies and changelings without even a qualm and they wanted you to bring them a detongued Rarity!”

“Let’s be honest, we’ve all wanted to detongue Rarity at some point or another,” I said. “I can’t fault them for that.”

“Most wouldn’t offer three bags of gems for it,” Reason said.

“I dunno, you might be surprised. Yes, they were dickbags. I can’t deny that. No, I probably shouldn’t feel guilt for killing them all. And yet…”

“And yet that troublesome conscience of yours bothers you, even now,” Pain said. “What is it this time, hm?”

I turned back to look at the flames coming down from the skies. The look of pure joy on Chrysalis’s face unnerved me. “This tactic is efficient. It’s incredibly effective. It worked like a complete charm and we didn’t lose a single person.”

“Truly an ideal tactic, then,” Reason said.

“It’s completely dishonorable,” Rage said.

“For the longest time, I never thought that should bother me,” I said. “For the longest time, honor seemed like weakness. Yet now that I find myself actually liking fighting, it feels… I dunno. I’d rather fight them man to dog than burn them to death like this. It feels more honest.”

“What use is honesty in battle?” Reason asked. “The only way to win is to deceive and confuse your opponent. Strike with overwhelming force in order to win with as few casualties as possible.”

“Intellectually, I completely understand that,” I said. “This genocide was a complete tactical victory. We freed all the prisoners, captured a few of their peeps, and utterly slaughtered almost all the rest with no casualties.”

“There is no joy in genocide,” Rage said. “There is only time and numbers. All you had to do was sit back and wait.”

“Sit back and wait as an entire community was destroyed,” I said. “An illegal community of criminals and scumbags. So I will say this: They had it coming. I don’t regret killing them. I just regret how we killed them. This is no way to die.”

“There is only one way to die,” Reason said. “And that is to cease living. And I would say they have all most definitely ceased living. Why would you choose to give in to honor now? You’ve built quite the career on doing what’s smart, not what’s honorable.”

“I’ve built a career on doing what’s expedient, not necessarily what’s smart. I see a problem, think of a quick and easy solution, and then try to use that solution to brute force my way through. Usually it works. In this particular case, I’d say it was effective. But it left a stain on my soul. It was the same with the love poison idea. And with the naga. Could there have been better solutions if I had taken time to think things through? Maybe I could have bargained with the invading naga. Maybe I could have found a way to abuse Cadance’s magic to feed the changelings. And maybe I could have intimidated the dogs into leaving by warning them exactly what would happen, when, and that there was nothing they could do to stop it. They might have tried fighting it out, but they might have seen the futility and given it up.”

“A dead criminal is a lot better than an angry criminal,” Reason said. “Let’s say you convinced them to leave. What would stop them from attacking Ponyville? Sure, you and Twilight would be able to stop them, but not before they did a lot of damage.”

“Why waste honor on the honorless?” Pain asked. “These criminals got what they deserved. That doesn’t mean there won’t be situations in the future where you can avoid wholesale slaughter. Some people have it coming. Some don’t. You’ll need to take the time to decide which is which.”

“Something must be wrong, because you’re making sense and not sounding completely batshit,” I said.

“Experience and wisdom come from pain, for those with the capability of learning from that pain,” my guide said. “You have been through much. This coma is your attempt to compress it all and distill it into something worthwhile.”

“Honor for those who deserve it, death for those who don’t… I guess I’ll need to work on defining what deserving it means.”

“Are you ready for the memory?” Pain asked.

“...Please tell me it’s not the dogs getting killed.”

“It’s not,” Reason said. Pain reached in and placed her paw against my neck.

This time, we were in the throne room. Celestia, Luna, two guards, and Celestia’s assistant were all there. Luna looked confused and Celestia looked pleased with herself.

“I’m sorry… what now?” Luna slowly said.

“Surely you heard me, sister,” Celestia said. “Chrysalis has borne children for your knight. Isn’t that exciting? Nav’s a daddy!”

One of Luna’s eyes twitched. After a few seconds, her horn lit up bright red and she grabbed a vase to throw at Celestia. “THAT HARLOT QUEEN!” The vase deflected off a magical shield and shattered against a wall. Celestia’s assistant sighed and wrote something in her notebook.

“Why, what ever is the matter?” Celestia asked.

The next vase Luna grabbed was full of flowers. It soared straight at Celestia. “I’LL BUCKING KILL THAT WRETCH!” That vase also shattered, making the assistant groan and make a few more marks.

Celestia floated the flowers from the destroyed vase over to Luna. “Maybe a snack would calm you down. You aren’t yourself when you’re hungry, Woona!”

There weren’t any more vases, so Luna grabbed both the pedestals the vases had been sitting on and threw them next. “AND WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE QUEEN, I’LL HUNT DOWN THOSE ORPHANS AND SEND THEM TO MEET MOMMY!” That one actually made the guards look at each other, sharing a very concerned glance. It wasn’t warranted, because the pedestals also shattered against the shield. The assistant just threw her notebook down in disgust.

“You know, I think somepony might be jealous!” Celestia said with a giggle.

Luna’s rage instantly disappeared. “I think I’ll pay Navarone a visit tonight. We’re due for quite a long talk.”

“Oh? About what, sister?”

“About loyalty. About trust. About how he will behave moving forward. And about how he can begin properly… serving his princess.”

“Hm. I’m afraid I have some bad news. You see, I have a task for you tonight.”

“I will be otherwise engaged.”

“Your big sister dearly needs your assistance, Woona. You don’t want to let me down, do you?”

Luna definitely didn’t look pleased. “What do you demand of me?” she growled.

“We have an important visitor coming by. I would like you to entertain her tonight. Perhaps show her around Canterlot. Really make her feel welcome. I just know you two will be a good fit for each other!”

“Very well, then. What is the name of this mare?”

“Queen Chrysalis!” Celestia replied with a shit-eating grin.

Luna shrieked and ripped out chunks of brick to fling them at Celestia. The guards and the assistant finally jumped behind the throne and that’s when the memory ended.

“Alright, that was a complete bitch move, but it was also fuckin’ ten outta ten trolling,” I said. “Celestia would have loved the internet. She could have gotten rid of so much stress.”

“Celestia on Twitter?” my guide said. “Truly horrifying. She’d threaten to build a wall around the moon and make Luna pay for it.”

“So, is my takeaway from this one that I could never trust Celestia?” I asked. “Because I’m pretty sure I told her this in confidence after specifically asking her not to tell Luna about it.”

“If you hadn’t already learned that by now, I question if you’ve really been paying attention,” Reason said.

“Which is why I’m surprised I’m being shown a memory that reiterates it.”

“It’s a recurring theme,” Rage said. “Which is something that should piss you off.”

“It would if Celestia wasn’t already dead. No use getting pissy over something I already got revenge for. So, is the takeaway that Luna is horrifyingly insane?”

“Again, something you already know,” Reason said.

“Then what is it?” I asked. “Or is this one of those that I’m just supposed to figure out?”

“It’s simple,” Pain said. “There were three witnesses to this event. None of them said a word. Not only could you not trust the princess, you couldn’t trust any of the ponies. Celestia was more important to them than any half-ape.”

“That loyalty had to be earned,” I said. “Although Celestia did her best to make it easy on me by being as much of a monster as she could. But you’re right, there was nobody I could trust. Twilight, the pony I’ve known the longest, sold me out in a heartbeat in every letter and conversation. Taya, my sweet little filly, signed herself over to Discord and helped the ponies torture me occasionally. Pinkie and Rarity raped me. By this point, Dash and Fluttershy had read my journals, so they were both super wary of me. Applejack still completely distrusted me. Ponyville was finally starting to warm up to me in general, but I knew it would only take a single incident for everything to revert. And then there was Appleloosa.”

“It’s astounding how lonely it made you feel,” Pain quietly said.

“How is that astounding? The only person I could kinda sorta maybe trust was an immature dragon I could barely talk to. And maybe Pinkie, depending on how sane she felt that day. That’s incredibly isolating.”

“And led to issues that persist to this day,” Reason said. “Like your paranoia about everyone plotting around you.”

“Well, when everyone spends the first few years stabbing you in the back, face, and everywhere else they can fit a dagger, you pick up a few trust issues. And to be honest, I haven’t really found anything in these memories yet that make me more inclined to trust any of the psychos around me. If anything, I just want to nix them all and pay some muscle instead.”

“We aren’t done yet,” my guide said. “Your past is dark, but it gets brighter.”

“Depending on which metric you use, I guess. I get more allies and more people start working for me, but there’s also the first haunted bunker to go through.”

“Well, that will be later. Are you prepared to move on now?”

I took another look around me. It didn’t take long to find myself on the sidelines. The horrified look on my face told me everything I needed to know. “These guys were scumbags. This is a shitty way to die, but they caused untold suffering. I don’t know if that balances out and I never will. All I can do is strive to never pull the trigger like this on somebody who doesn’t deserve it.”

My guide’s eyes flashed and we finally moved on to the next slice of life.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Two

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Two

I wasn’t too surprised that we ended up in Luna’s room, watching her do some very lewd things to me. What was surprising is that the table I was strapped to was now a very pretty bed of flowers. “So, this is Luna’s estrus,” I said, crossing my arms. “Mixed with some more of the weird plant shit.”

“It is,” my guide said. “This is when you finally had enough of Luna.”

“I gave her two chances too many. I should have walked away after the first night.”

“You shouldn’t have given her a chance to begin with,” Fear said. “Celestia warned you that it might be unwise.”

“It really shouldn’t have been a surprise,” Pain said. “At this point, you had suspicions about Luna’s sanity.”

“I… did have some, yes,” I said. “But I never expected her to actually want to hurt me. That caught me off guard and scared me. Thankfully, it was the wakeup call that I needed. There was never a time when I wanted to be with Luna, but after she hurt me, my fear of what else she might do finally trumped my fear of rejecting her. It made cutting off any possible romantic stuff super easy.”

“You probably should have stood up for yourself sooner,” Pain said.

“Yeah. But as I said, I was really worried about hurting her. I didn’t know how either sister would react, so I just went with it. I did that a lot.”

“You do that a lot,” Fear said.

“...I guess so. Do we have a memory for this?” God, I hope not…

“We do, thankfully!” Pain said. “I just know it’ll hurt!”

“Well, it can’t be worse than watching Luna awkwardly hump me,” I said, finally turning to face the two spirits. “So what do we have?”

Fear reached up and poked me. This memory was also taking place in Luna’s room. All the lights were out, Luna was on the bed crying, and Celestia was standing above her, trying not to smile.

“I told you it was a bad idea,” Celestia said.

“Go away!”

“I assumed you’d want news from Navi! I just got back from speaking with him.”

Luna sniffled and looked up. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was a mess. “W-what did he… what did he say?”

“Well, the good news is that he’ll continue being your knight.” Luna’s ears shot up and she seemed relieved. “The bad news is that you horrified him so much that’s about all he’ll continue being.” And that crushed her. She buried her head back into the pillow and sobbed. “In fact, he saw straight through you. You never loved him. You just wanted a tame predator.”

“That’s not true!” Luna wailed, though she didn’t look up.

“He certainly seemed to think so. From some of what you said, I’m inclined to agree. You do so enjoy your predators, after all.”

“You monster! Get out!”

“There’s no need to shoot the messenger, sister,” Celestia sweetly said. “I’m just relaying your wonderful human’s words.”

Luna was silent for a few long seconds before sobbing again. “Why do I always scare everypony away?! I just wanna be normal!”

“Oh my dear sweet Luna,” Celestia said, reaching a hoof up to her sister’s shoulder. “We aren’t normal. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can be happy.”

“I-is… is somepony t-to love… really s-so much to ask?”

“Of course not, Luna. Remember, you will always have your big sister. You may have driven yet another suitor off, but I will never leave you. And Nav will still serve you. If he gives you any trouble, tell me and we’ll reinstate his oaths. There’s no reason for him to be free of them now that you’re no longer in some manner of relationship.”

“I want somepony to hold me. Somepony to make love to me. Somepony to spark something inside of me, to put some form of life in this cold heart of mine… I felt something when I first met Nav. A… pull. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt, sister. It drew me to him, made me want him… And now he wants nothing to do with me. I’ve driven away the only being I’ve ever felt a connection to!”

Celestia watched her sister for nearly a minute, just listening to her cry. She actually seemed concerned, either for her sister or by what she just heard. “Describe this pull you felt, Luna,” she finally said.

“Why?” Luna bitterly asked. “So you can mock me for that, too?”

“You never mentioned it before. In all of our talks about Nav, you never said what made you begin desiring him. What manner of pull did you feel?”

“All of my thought trains seemed to always go back to him. I found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. I started allowing him to call me Luna instead of Princess. He even tickled me and I didn’t cane him! I… I don’t know what it was, but something about him just… pulled me in. Even now, knowing how much I hurt him, I still want nothing more than to see him come walking through that door… I feel as though any indignity would be worth returning to his good graces. Please sister… did he mention any possible chance of forgiveness?”

“Oh no, he was quite clear that he was extremely done and that he was stupid for letting it go as long as he did. There is no way he will ever give you another chance.” Luna’s whole body sank against the bed and she began sobbing again. Celestia grinned and said, “Don’t worry, little sister. I’ll always be here for you…”

That ended the memory. “Celestia was really good at manipulation,” I said. “And also being a massive bitch. What’s the takeaway from this one?”

“This is your confirmation that Luna also felt the pull toward you,” Fear said. “And if I had to guess, I’d say that Celestia was the same. Her calculating silence betrayed her.”

“We already knew Luna felt it, but I guess actual confirmation is nice. So my lesson for Luna’s estrus is that I need to stop letting things happen to me. If somebody does something fucked up to me, maybe I shouldn’t put them in a position to do something even worse. That’s not to say forgiveness isn’t possible, but I shouldn’t have given Luna three chances to hurt me.”

“That seems like a decent lesson,” Pain said. “So what does it say about the rapist vassals of yours that you’re still sleeping with?”

“I’m definitely planning on cutting back on the number of people I do lewd things with. That said, I’m not doing it because they raped me, I’m doing it because they’re vassals. That’s part of the forgiveness thing at play.”

“Are you sure you should even leave them as that?” Fear asked.

“No. We’ll see what happens later on down the line. Shall we press on?” I really don’t want to keep watching this.

Instead of appearing in a new memory, we ended up back in the glade. “One of the things this coma allows is listening to what those close to you say when they are nearby.”

“...Why would anybody be nearby right now?” I asked. “I’m in a coma.”

“There has been someone at your side since the moment you got here. Usually it’s Taya or Kat, but they don’t typically talk and it’s never been anything important.”

Why would they waste time sitting here? “How long have I been here, anyway? Obviously not three weeks, yet.”

“I am unsure. Would you like to hear what Luna is saying?”

“Sure, why not?”

I started hearing Luna’s voice directly in my ears. “There was once a time I did much research on this coma. I strongly considered doing it myself, but in the end, decided I was better off being miserable. That said, I know what you will go through. I know what you might see. And I know that it is possible for you to hear this. It has been four days. I figured you might be curious.”

“Well, that answers that,” I said. “Is there any way for us to talk to her?”

“There is not,” my guide said.

I shrugged and let Luna continue. “If I am correct, becoming a vassal will be enough to show you things from my mind. That is not the only reason I decided to become a vassal, but it was part of it. In case you don’t end up seeing anything… and in case you can actually hear this… Celestia and I planned to use you from the start. I don’t know if she ever told you, but I was too afraid to ever tell you. Even now, the only reason I can still my beating heart enough to say it is that I know there’s a chance you’ll never hear…”

“How noble of you,” I sarcastically replied.

“For so long, I wanted nothing more than to be normal. But I am not. My mind is… broken. Already, you have taught me so much. Assuming you forgive me for my intentions, I know you will help me finally learn to fit in. I know there is no chance I will ever hold your heart, but being by your side is enough. As long as whatever you see in there doesn’t make you cast me away, I will thrive.”

“How long do you think she’ll keep talking?” I asked.

“Probably until she leaves or Hera tries to tame her,” my guide said. “I imagine she’ll be here for a while. It took her an hour to work up the nerve to say anything.”

“Can you give me the abbreviated version later?”

“No. Either you listen or you do not hear.”

How much time do I really want to dedicate listening to this?

“Aqua thinks that is a very selfish reasoning,” my guide said.

“Aqua has been informed to keep her nose the fuck out,” I said. “Unless they have something extremely pertinent to add, they can just sit back and watch.”

That shut them up and let me go back to listening to Luna. She wasn’t really talking about anything interesting, just more woe-is-me nonsense about how depressed and weird she was. It was kinda dull.

After about a minute or two, I finally nodded. “Yeah, I’m done here. Let’s go back to memory chasing. If she’s still here when I’m done with the next one, we’ll see if she’s saying anything interesting.” Gotta say, it’s super convenient I got here right as she started talking.

“You didn’t,” my guide said. “I stored her speech and relayed it back.”

“If you can do that, why can’t you just give me the short version?”

“Because I am incapable of actually hearing what they say. I can only know that they are speaking. I store what they say in your short-term memory and purge it when you decide you’re done listening.”

“That’s… weird. If it’s stored in my short-term memory, why can’t you just transfer it to my long-term memory and make it as though I heard the entire conversation?”

“I have limited access to your brain. Your elementals have it under lock and key.”

“What part of sit the fuck back and watch do you fuckers not understand?” I asked. “If this weird-ass coma shit is trying to access my brain, let it. It’s not like it can get any worse than putting me in a coma.”

“There is also the problem that memory doesn’t quite work like that,” the guide said. “One of them could likely manipulate it so that you think you actually heard what she was saying. But as it stands, I don’t think I would be capable of actually making it work.”

“In that case, stop sitting the fuck back and help. Just, you know, not in a way that would hinder my potential self-growth.”

“They both snorted contemptuously.”

“That’s fair. Let me know when a conversation is incoming and give me time to prepare myself before they implant it. Now let’s get going.”

“As you desire,” my guide said. Her eyes flashed and we zoomed off.

We appeared in Alpha Hive. It was currently under attack by a shitton of giant ants. I sighed and hung my head. “I know why we’re here…”

“And why is that?” my guide asked.

“This is when I first caught the gay…” I expected a slap to the back of the head, but it never came.

“That is incorrect,” my guide said. “We are here for several reasons. First, because this is when you did the most to break your relationship with Twilight. Second, because this is when you obtained Flo. Third, because this is when you agreed to help Chrysalis change.”

“Oh, those make much more sense. So why did we show up when the ants were attacking?”

“It was an extremely vivid experience,” Reason said. “It stuck with you.”

“Can’t really deny that,” I said, turning around. It was actually just her this time. “Wow. Where is everyone?”

“You were too numb to feel much of anything for some time after the estrus,” Reason said. “Pain, Pride, and Fear all belong here, along with possibly Hope and Love. But alas, I am all that is present.”

“I’m guessing the lesson might have something to do with that,” I said.

“There are many things to learn from what happened here,” she said. “Are you prepared for the first memory?”

“Yep.” I booped her before she could boop me. I didn’t expect it to work, but it actually did.

It dumped me in Braeburn’s dining room. Twilight and her five friends were there, along with my daughter and Spike. Twilight looked pretty upset, to be honest.

“So how was the hive?” Pinkie excitedly asked.

“It was awful,” Twilight said.

“Are you kidding?” Spike asked. “It was great! Well, until you freaked out.”

“How could I not?!” Twilight demanded. “That was horrible!”

“You were the only one that freaked out,” Spike said. “The rest of us were just fine.”

“...Why were you freaking out?” Rarity slowly asked.

“The feeding chamber! It was awful! Most of the ponies were crying while the changelings just mindlessly fed on them!”

“That’s not true,” Taya said. “Only the ones not being fed on were crying. The others were happy.”

“That’s right,” Spike said. “How could you even tell? You were too busy attacking the changelings!”

“You attacked them?” Dash asked. “Why?”

“Did you hurt anypony?” Applejack asked.

“Where’s Nav?” Fluttershy quietly whispered.

“That’s a good question. Where is Nav?” Rarity added.

“Still at the hive!” Twilight said. “He and Chrysalis forced me to leave!”

“Well, you did attack them,” Rarity said. “I’m surprised she allowed you to leave at all!”

“She’s really nice,” Taya said. “I don’t think she would keep any of us there. Not if daddy vouched for them.”

“You mean aside from all the prisoners she was keeping hostage?” Twilight bitterly asked. “That bug is evil!”

“She didn’t seem that evil to me,” Pinkie said. “I mean, didn’t the princess give her those prisoners?”

“Nopony deserves that,” Twilight said. “It was… it was awful…”

“It really wasn’t that bad,” Spike said. “You’re just being dramatic.”

“I have to say, I’m hesitant to approve of ponies being fed on,” Rarity said.

“It’s not like they have anything better to do,” Applejack said with a shrug. “Might as well spend their time doin’ good. I’d rather it be prisoners than innocent ponies they nabbed off the streets!”

“That’s a pretty good point,” Dash said. “How did they even stop you? I figured you’d be unstoppable in a fight!”

“Daddy calmed her down,” Taya smugly replied.

“Did he tickle you?” Pinkie asked.

“No.”

“Did he seduce you again?” Rarity asked.

“No!”

“Did he wrestle you?” Applejack asked.

“...Kinda? He jumped on my back, put his evil ring on my horn, then forced his crossbow sling in my mouth as a bit.”

“Oh, not much you can do to come back from that,” Pinkie said. “Nav’s really good at staying on bucking ponies. He’ll wear you out and force you into submission!” Fluttershy quietly squeaked. “But only if you start it, of course.”

“So why did he stay?” Applejack asked.

“I think he just wants to sleep with the queen!” Twilight said, slamming a hoof on the table.

“...Is that a problem?” Dash slowly asked.

“Wha… Of course it’s a problem! She’s evil! She tried to take over Canterlot and she succeeded in taking over my brother!”

“Right,” Pinkie said with a nod. “Because she needed food. Now she has food!”

“She literally admitted to being evil!”

“She did, actually,” Taya said. “Well, sorta. She said she’s evil to someone like you.”

“Anypony should think she’s evil!”

“Nav obviously disagrees,” Fluttershy said.

“Well, Nav isn’t a pony,” Twilight said. “I’m realizing more and more as time goes on just how different our minds really are. Nav is… utterly alien to me at times. This is one of them. I just don’t know how he can stand being around those things after seeing those prisoners!”

“He kinda has to be able to stand it,” Pinkie said. “It was his idea, right?”

“It was,” Twilight said. “And I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for it. Not after that.”

And that was all she thought. I got dumped back into the main memory about a minute or two after the ants all stopped moving. “What a drama queen,” I said, crossing my arms. “I bet I learned it from her.”

“You both played it off each other,” Reason said. “Which is part of why you’re so good together. And also part of why you’ll probably not be together for much longer.”

“Not gonna lie: Twilight can be super fucking annoying. I haven’t said anything about it because I’m just as bad if not worse, but man. We can talk about it when we get there, though.”

“Do you think you made a mistake here, Nav?”

“The way you’re asking that question makes me think you’re hoping for a yes but expecting a no.” She didn’t reply. “Then I guess I’ll talk it out. I didn’t want Twilight to come. I told her that joining us would be a terrible idea. She decided to come anyway and proceeded to be a complete bitch the whole time. She ended her bitchiness by attacking changelings. Do I think I could have been nicer? Yeah, probably. But do I think the mistake here was mine? Not really. Seems like Twilight’s the one who fucked up. I’m not sure anything I could have said or done would have changed this outcome.”

“What if you hadn’t given Fido to the changelings?” Reason asked.

“Then I wouldn’t have met Flo. Sure, I wouldn’t have fallen out with Twilight so hard, but I don’t really consider that as such a bad thing. Getting my own house was pretty important for a number of reasons and that never would have happened if Twilight and I stayed friendly. It was probably dumb of me to provoke her so much, but I was really getting tired of her shit at this point.”

“And not just that, of course. You were tired in general. What happened with Luna drained you. You just didn’t have any patience.”

“I sure didn’t,” I said with a nod. “Unfortunately, Twilight usually requires a lot of patience to deal with. She’s better in some ways and worse in others, now.”

“Twilight lacks self-control and self-confidence,” Reason said. “At least, in some areas. She is learning more of both through her interactions with you.”

“So what’s the takeaway from this little snippet?” I asked.

“Your friendliness with the changelings horrified Twilight and some of the other ponies,” she replied. “And what Celestia allowed the changelings to do with the prisoners seriously upset Twilight. The fact that it was your idea terrified her even more.”

“Well, what Celestia allowed them to do upset me too. And the fact that it was my idea also terrifies me. So I guess both of those are fair. Are you saying that it’s a bad thing or are you just commenting on it?”

“I’m stating that it’s a fact. Do you consider it to be a bad thing?”

“Not really. Again, if things hadn’t gone bad with Twiggles, I wouldn’t have moved out. And I don’t regret being friendly with the changelings. I’m happy I helped bring them back into the world. Twilight eventually saw the error of her ways and opened her legs for me again, so everything worked out in the end.”

“Then let’s move on. Are you prepared for what’s next?”

“I guess that depends. I sure hope so.”

Reason reached up and poked me. This time, I appeared in a train car. With the pass I got from the princess, we were all given a much larger and nicer car. My past self was sitting at the table in a corner, writing with one hand and petting Taya with the other. Twilight and her pals were lounged around the rest of the car, though half of them didn’t have much color. Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack were all sitting in the corner opposite me. They were the only three with color, so I walked over to them.

When I got closer, I saw that Pinkie was staring straight at past-me. “Nav is different,” she finally said.

“How can you even tell?” Applejack asked. “He’s practically expressionless!”

“What do you mean, Pinkie?” Rarity asked, turning to look over at me. “Do you think the changelings did something to him?”

“I watch Nav a lot. This isn’t how he writes.”

“...Why do you watch Nav?” Applejack slowly asked.

“I watch everypony, silly!” Pinkie said. “It helps me learn how to make them smile! I watch Nav extra because making him smile is super-duper tough.”

“Well, that’s discomforting,” Rarity said.

“I gave up questioning you a long time ago,” Applejack said with a sigh. “So what’s different about his writing?”

“The only times he’s paused since starting are when we hit bumps.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Rarity asked. “It means he’s finally found his inspiration!”

“Nav doesn’t write books,” Pinkie said. “He remembers them. And it’s usually imperfectly, to the point where some of them don’t even make sense. There’s no way he could write this much this quickly without even taking a moment to pause.”

“...And what kind of change do you think this might be?” Rarity slowly asked.

“I suspect some kind of weird brain leech snuck into his head while he was defending the changelings from monsters!”

Applejack and Rarity shared a very interesting look. I couldn’t tell if they were disturbed or just looking for an easy way out of dealing with Pinkie’s crazy ass. They finally looked back at Pinkie and Applejack decided to go first. “That theory’s a little… I dunno, out there.”

“Don’t you think it’s much more likely that he’s writing something else?” Rarity asked. “I’m sure there are some things he writes that don’t require constant thought.”

“Nope, that’s the journal he uses for books. He likes them because they have the lock he thinks is complicated enough to keep anypony out. That’s how I also know his writing style literally changed overnight!”

“...Say what now?” Applejack asked.

“When I first read them when he got back from the hive, I was shocked to find that, midway through one story, he started over from the beginning with a completely different handwriting, writing the story in an entirely different way. It… flows so much better, like it’s the original. I’ve never seen him do that before!”

“I think she wanted you to elucidate on something else,” Rarity said. “Specifically, the part about breaking into his journal.”

“What about it?” Pinkie innocently asked.

“...That doesn’t seem wrong to you?” Applejack asked.

Pinkie’s head tilted. “Why would it? Reading diaries is the best way to figure out what makes somepony smile! That’s how I learned all about Dashie’s favorite fantasies and now we’re closer than ever!”

“Ya know what, I ain’t got a vocabulary good enough to describe that,” Applejack said. “Rarity?”

“I’m going to go with utterly horrifying, morally bankrupt, and extremely inappropriate,” Rarity said with a nod.

“What she said,” Applejack replied with a nod of her own. “You shouldn’t violate anypony’s privacy, especially Nav’s. That’s all the poor colt has left. Besides, I have a feeling he has a lot of secrets nopony would want to discover.”

“But what about his brain leech?!”

“Why would your mind go there, of all places?” Rarity asked. “Of any possibility, what makes you think brain leech?”

“I got the weirdest, most obscure tail twitch ever that warned me!”

“...I thought you couldn’t tell what those meant,” Applejack slowly said.

“I’m learning to interpret them! I’m about ninety-three percent sure I’m completely right! We gotta work together to save him before it’s too late!”

“And I’m about one hundred percent sure you need to leave him alone,” Applejack said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nav really get mad, but I’m pretty sure accusing him of having a brain leech would do it. I sure as sure don’t want to see what he’d do. And some weird tail twitch ain’t gonna be enough to convince nopony.”

“Nav’s been through enough,” Rarity said. “Celestia only knows how much of it might have been caused, directly or indirectly, by some of us. Let’s not put him through more by throwing around wild accusations without more evidence than a suspicion.”

“So what will we do if his leech takes over and tries to spread?” Pinkie asked. “With that new magic sword, Nav’s DPS is too high! Applejack’s a great tank and Twilight’s a good sorcerer, but Fluttershy can’t heal without her bag!”

Applejack looked over at Rarity. “So how’s the business been goin’?”

Rarity seemed happy to change the subject. Pinkie growled and stalked off, moving to a place she could watch me without me seeing. When I turned to look over at me, I saw that Taya was watching Pinkie with narrowed eyes. That’s all I saw before the memory ended.

“Well, she actually was about ninety-three percent accurate,” I said. “My brain leech didn’t sneak in, she was allowed in. But she did do it under false pretenses.”

“That isn’t quite accurate,” Reason said. “She told you that she wanted to free her sisters, which was true. She just lied about some of what she could do and didn’t tell you about other things she could do. She also supposedly didn’t know that she was a human creation.”

“I can believe she didn’t know that,” I said. “There’s no reason to have held that back. But yeah, she defs didn’t tell me nearly as much as she should have.”

“Do you consider helping her to be a mistake?” Reason asked.

“No. Almost nobody deserves to be imprisoned forever. The fact that she lied to me out the gate is disconcerting, but I’ve done the same thing to many people. I just haven’t been in a position to have as much power over somebody as she did. Is there any way to confirm if she forced me to agree to take her?”

“She didn’t,” Reason said. “When she healed you, she read all your memories. That told her exactly what she needed to say to make you agree. She didn’t have to force you into anything when simple manipulation worked just as well.”

“Of course, silly me. I forgot the part where she utterly violated my privacy before even learning my name.”

“Do you blame her?” my guide asked.

“No. That doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. Flo may not be human, but she was made by us. She has all our weaknesses and all our strengths, plus all the cool shit being made of nanites lets her do. That means she’s imperfect. And with what I know now about water elementals as a whole, I completely understand why she would have no problem at all with reading my mind and manipulating me. My main concern is how long she continued manipulating me and if she’s still doing so now.”

“Of course she’s manipulating you,” Reason said. “Everyone around you manipulates you. That’s their purpose as friends and followers. From the start, Flo has been attempting to manipulate you into being what she considered a better person.”

“What she considers a better person isn’t always something I want to be. I am no longer going to be cowed and forced along a path. I welcome advice and criticism, but I’m not interested in being anyone’s puppet ever again.”

“The water elementals have always considered it their goal to guide the mortals,” Reason said. “The one who feels so attached to you might not be so eager to let you go your own way.”

“Then she’s free to go her own way. Do we get to talk about the actual memory we just saw, or are we only going to talk about the Flo portion?”

“Are you truly surprised by any of Pinkie’s antics?” my guide asked.

“No, that’s not what I want to talk about. Pinkie told the element of honesty that she was breaking into my locked journals and that bitch didn’t tell me a thing.”

“Being the element of honesty doesn’t mean she’s required to tell all the secrets she knows,” Reason said. “Especially toward one to whom she felt little but pity and fear. Had you asked, I’m sure she would have been honest. But you didn’t even know to ask, so she never had to betray her friend.”

“Once again, you see why your reputation is important,” my guide said. “Your actions in Appaloosa earned you no favors with Applejack. All of your lies before then made her distrustful. She felt no need to tell you anything.”

“I never did anything to hurt her or any of her family. I even helped her sister get her cutie mark.”

“But you lied easily and often,” Reason said. “Which, to the element of honesty, is a problem. What you should be more concerned about is the fact that Rarity never told you. She actually liked you.”

“Apparently not enough, which isn’t surprising in the least. It seems that once again, ponies are shown to be fairly terrible friends.”

“You weren’t always the best friend, yourself,” Reason said.

“True. So the last memory involves Chrysalis?”

“It does. Are you prepared?”

“Yep.”

She reached up and I met her hoof with my fist. We appeared in Chrysalis’s room. She was sitting at a vanity desk, staring into a mirror and slowly brushing her hair.

“Incompetents. Imbeciles. Completely and utterly worthless, almost all of them… How can I ever become a better queen with such useless subjects?”

I looked around the room to see if she might be talking to somebody, but she was alone. I walked over to the desk and looked into the mirror, but I only saw her reflection. “Is she talking to herself?” I asked.

“It would appear so,” Reason replied.

“Well, Nav?” she asked, looking back to her bed. “Oh wait, that’s right. You abandoned me, too. Just like all the rest. Words, words, words… They mean so little to mortals, don’t they?” She looked back into the mirror and continued brushing her hair. “He promised to help me change. As if Celestia would ever allow that. I think she prefers the idea of me as a monster.”

“There was a time I would agree with that,” I said.

“Still… He helped me when no one else would. He saved me when no one else would. There is value in that. I can hardly expect the world from him, after all. Still, though… To change…” The brush stopped moving and she silently stared into the mirror. “No. There is no changing from what I have done. My path is set. I am not worth redemption.” The brush started moving again and she began softly humming.

“This is some psycho shit,” I said.

“It’s going to fast forward,” Reason said. “One moment.”

We jumped to when Chrysalis was finally putting her brush down. Her eyes stared into the mirror for almost a minute before she smashed it with a hoof. “How could I even think of changing? Even knowing what a monster that thing is, I still made another deal with it!” Her horn lit up and all the glass shards flew at a wall so hard that some of it stuck. The rest shattered even more and flew around the room. “What was I thinking?! Surely the loss to Celestia warped my mind!”

Discord suddenly appeared right behind her and pressed his fucked up hands on her back. “Calm down, Chrysalis,” he said. “I’m not that bad!” The memory ended like that, leaving my mouth gaping.

“Gotta love that bombshell,” Reason said. “So Chrysalis made a deal with Discord.”

“...That changes a few things,” I slowly said.

“That should change a lot of things, actually,” my guide said.

“Until I know exactly what deal she made with him, it only changes a few. But if it was enough for him to just come barging in like that, it doesn’t bode well.”

“Why bother trying to help someone change when she obviously doesn’t want to?” Reason asked. “What makes you think she wasn’t just trying to get you closer? Perhaps Discord’s plan was to have the two of you wed after you killed Celestia.”

“Perhaps. We can see here that Chrysalis wasn’t too happy with the deal she made. Maybe she rescinds it entirely later.”

“I’m fairly certain you can’t rescind a deal with that thing. Why do you always make excuses for those who do terrible things?”

“Because there’s always a reason they made the decision to do something terrible. I’ve done all kinds of fucked up shit, usually for good reasons. Sometimes there’s an excuse.”

“What would ever excuse making a deal with something that’s so obviously evil?”

“Being really desperate. I’d say ending up in Celestia’s dungeon would do it.”

“Hm. You place a lot of value on why a person does something rather than what a person does.”

“Sometimes, intent is key. The fact that she made a deal with Discord is absolutely troubling and I am going to ask her about it. What happens after that will depend on her answer.”

“And you would still help her change, even now?”

“Again, that depends on her answer. I’m going to make sure to have Luna and Celestia around for that conversation.”

“Wise. So are you prepared to move on, then?”

“I guess so, unless you want to talk about the thing where Luna made everyone dream about fucking me. That was pretty traumatic.”

“We don’t have a memory for that, I’m afraid,” Reason said. “But I suppose we could talk about it. Luna abused her power quite heavily and caused a lot of issues for you. All because you slept with another woman.”

“That power is so incredibly abusable,” I said. “And what she did to me was… honestly, I’d say it fits the definition of evil.”

“And never really apologized for it, even to this day.”

“Yet another thing to add to my list of reasons to yell at everyone. I guess that’s all. I just wanted another excuse to call her evil.”

“Then let’s move on,” my guide said.

We appeared in her glade once again. “Are you prepared for the rest of Luna’s conversation?” the guide asked.

“Sure.” Just like that, it all flashed into my memory. Long story short, it was mostly her rambling on about how happy she was to be working with me and how great finally having a place to truly belong was. I assumed she was trying to guilt me into forgiving her for being a raging cunt-muffin.

It didn’t really work that well.

“I think I’m good,” I said with a nod.

“Excellent. Are you ready for the next?”

“The next memory?”

“No, the next message. This one is from Kat.”

“...How many do I have?” I slowly asked.

“At the moment, just one complete message. Taya is currently in the process of talking to you, though. When she finishes, it will be two.”

“Well, at least neither of them will be as long.”

“Kat’s is three times as long. Taya’s is already longer than Kat’s.”

“God dammit! What is wrong with these people?”

“...They care about you?” my guide slowly replied. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I figured they would have better things to do than sit around and talk to themselves.”

“They’re spending time with the person who is their entire world. They’re worried about who you’ll be when you get out and they’re afraid that you made this decision way too quickly without asking anyone’s advice. Thus, they’re spending time with you.”

“Weirdos. Let me have Kat’s message, I guess.”

Having several hours of Kat’s crazy ramblings crammed straight into my head was disorienting and it took me about a minute to completely digest it. She started off by saying that Luna told everybody and their mother that they could talk to me while I was in the coma, so I could expect a ton of visitors. I’m not sure how everybody expected to get through the maze, but I guess that wasn’t my problem.

She went on to explain how I was super awesome and the best lady ever and all that. This also included several more pledges of loyalty and her undying devotion. That portion ended with her lapsing into repeating how much she loved me over and over for about half an hour.

The next bit detailed her plan to have a few kittens to train to worship and serve me. As soon as the pageant ended, her idea was to hunt down the nearest male cat and extract a child from him. Apparently, she didn’t foresee any possible issues with this plan at all and was even going to personally gift her second kitten to Taya as a life-long slave.

Once she got finished gushing about how awesome it would be to finally be serving us properly, she moved on to recent events. Apparently it was now day five. Zecora and the elementals discovered a cache of gene-locked chests. Jonathan was teaching the elementals how to break into them. Most of what they found were personal effects, but apparently they also picked up half a Genesis Project. That meant we had all kinds of neat seeds, though I’m not sure if that mattered with what Jonathan was capable of.

And after the recent events, she just started talking about her own life and making speculations about mine. It was kinda neat I guess.

“Well then,” I finally said. “Does she really think I’ll be okay with letting her make slave-kittens?”

“Apparently. Either that or she just doesn’t care what objections you might have.”

Both seem equally likely. “Is Taya finished yet?” I sighed.

“No. Are you ready for the next memory?”

“Yep.” And off we went.

We didn’t really get very far, only ending up at the Europe party in Germany. “I’m actually kinda surprised we ended up here, too,” I said. “I didn’t really think anything too formative happened here.”

“You are a focal point for change,” Reason said. “Even things you consider unimportant nonsense sidequests are major life events for some. Whenever you affect someone’s life, you should take time to reflect and consider whether your actions were wise.”

“And to consider what you gained from it,” Pride said.

“Not much in this case, given that I gave most of the gold away,” I said, finally turning around. This time, I had Fear, Pride, and Reason as guests. “So, what kind of major life event did I cause? I thought the trip was fairly uneventful, for the most part.”

“You mean aside from the attempt by Pyrite to induct you into his horde?" Reason asked.

“Or getting the most kills and tying for victory in the tournament,” Pride said.

“And we mustn’t forget capturing one of the most powerful criminal kingpins on the planet,” Fear said. “Followed by several of his immediate underlings, of course.”

“Plus plenty more besides,” Reason said with a nod. “This is when Shining Armor realized that his kingdom wasn’t all rainbows and glitter.”

“And it’s when you decided to leave, once and for all,” Fear said.

“And it’s when you finally decided to forgive Pinkie.”

“I guess it was quite the trip, wasn’t it?” I asked. “I even got to meet my kitty again. And I kinda sorta got a dragon girlfriend.”

“And then after this tournament, you got your own house,” Reason said.

“Sure did. Twilight kicked me out because I finally pushed enough buttons. The new pad was glorious. Being able to fuck Doppel whenever I wanted was a super great bonus, too. She was much easier to put up with than Twilight and let me do all kinds of weird things to her. It sounds like we have quite the itinerary this time.”

“We don’t have memories for all of them,” Pride said. “But we put together a pretty decent spread.”

“...Put together?” I slowly said.

“What, did you think these memories just found themselves?” Reason asked. “Someone has to go through them and pick out the topical ones.”

“I figured it was all part of the magic,” I replied with a shrug.

“We’re part of the magic, so it is. Now, are you ready to begin?”

“Sure.”

Pride was first up to bat. One of his claws booped me right on the nose.

“Are you paying attention, Kat?” The world suddenly came alive around me. Kat was with Jocasta and Rock right outside the place I was staying. Kat’s head had obviously been in the clouds and Jocasta didn’t seem too happy about it. “Or are you too busy thinking about getting your paws on that human again?”

“I knew he would find his way back to me! And even better, now I get to help save him!”

“If you can pay attention to enough of the plan to get any of it right,” Jocasta said. “Even Rock is listening!”

“I always listen to briefings,” Rock said. “I just usually decide to go with my own plan.”

“Your plan is always to just smash everything, though,” Kat said.

“Hasn’t failed me yet!”

“Well, you aren’t derailing this one,” Jocasta said. “Nav isn’t safe here. If Kat can’t convince him, you’ll help make sure he can’t… turn down our generous protection.”

“Not that it’ll be an issue,” Kat smugly said. “I have that little tom wrapped around my claw…”

“Are you sure that’s how it’s going?” Rock asked.

“It seems like it might be the other way around,” Jocasta said. “How long did you mope after he left last time?”

I never stopped… The thought was intrusive enough for me to know it was coming from Kat. “Only a month or two.”

“Well, you’ll have him back in your arms soon. Don’t screw it up. While you’re in his room, the king wanted you to see if you could find anything of interest. Particularly, a diagram of that crossbow of his.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Is there anything else, or can I go?”

“Go.” Jocasta continued talking, but Kat was already walking away, no longer paying attention. I followed behind her, since the memory didn’t seem to be ending.

My heart is pounding. My mind is soaring. I’ve been able to think of nothing but seeing him again for so long. And now I finally get to help him!

When she got into the building, it didn’t take her long to find my room. I’m not sure how she knew which one was mine, but it didn’t surprise me that she went right to it. She tried knocking first. About a minute later, she pulled out a set of lockpicks and had the door open in seconds. I can’t believe their security is so terrible… She let herself in and quietly eased the door shut behind her. Thankfully, I could walk right through it.

As soon as she was secure, she slipped her tools away and walked over to the table with the letters. She grabbed the one from the dogs and Celestia’s, then walked into the room I shared with Pinkie. The whole place already smells like him...

The first thing she walked up to was the bag next to my armor, ignoring the crossbow. She opened the bag up and started digging around until she found a shirt. It honestly shouldn’t have surprised me that she lifted it up to her face and moaned in pleasure at the smell, but I guess I’m not completely jaded yet. Oh, his scent is so… right. What is it that draws me so? When she pulled the shirt away, she started to tuck it into one of her bags, but stopped and continued digging around instead. She finally found a pair of boxers and grinned, stuffing them straight into her bag. That’s going right into my special box...

With her sick desires temporarily sated, she walked back over to the crossbow and picked it up. So heavy… I can’t believe he carries it everywhere. But also very, very lethal. She set it down and pulled out several sheets of paper. The memory skipped and she was suddenly putting a complete drawing away.

When it was secured, she grabbed the crossbow and moved it to the other bed. With it out of the way, she fell into my bed and took a big whiff. Nope, hasn’t slept in it yet… Well, it’ll smell good in the morning when I’m done with him!

Since that wasn’t getting her rocks off, she walked over to the armoire and opened it. That’s where all my human weapons were, which immediately drew her eyes. She picked up a mustard gas grenade and tossed it into the air a few times. This is obviously something he manufactured. There’s a pin it in, so pulling it likely does something. But from all the warnings he wrote all over it, I can definitely tell I shouldn’t do it. I’m sure he won’t mind if I borrow it!

That comfortless thought in mind, she grabbed it and a few of the other devices. Before she could continue rifling around, the door in the other room opened. Kat immediately closed the doors of the armoire, then her eyes darted around the room. They finally settled on my bed and she grinned, jumping onto it.

I just know he’ll be so happy to see me!

That ended the memory, kicking me back into the greater memory. “For the record, I was not happy to see her,” I said.

“I’m sure the spanking you gave her was all the evidence she needed,” Reason said. “If not, the talk Pinkie had with her after probably did the trick.”

“Are we gonna get to see that, too?” I asked.

“We are. It’s a part of this one.” Reason poked me in the belly and the memory picked back up outside of my room, with a crying Kat on Pinkie’s back.

“This really wasn’t very smart,” Pinkie said as she started trotting down the hall. “Trust me when I say that Nav really doesn’t like ponies poking into his things. You can also trust me when I say that he really detests rapists.”

“S-so… he’s spoken o-of me?”

“Nope! He doesn’t tell anypony anything about what happened in Egypt. I read his journals, though, so I know he absolutely hates you. And I watch him sleep enough to know that he wakes up in a cold sweat pretty often. Well… used to. He stopped after the brain leech got him. And then he asked me to stop watching him sleep, so now I can’t tell anyway.”

“Um. B-brain leech?”

“Stay away from Navarone,” Pinkie very bluntly and coldly said. For some reason, her super cute flat hair made it seem even more menacing. “I’m his best friend forever, so if I find out you’re even thinking about touching him, I’ll immediately tell the princess and her guard captain, who both know full well what you did. We’re all watching you like hawks, only waiting for an excuse. So give us one at your own peril.”

They were finally somewhere public, so Pinkie bucked Kat off and then kicked her while she was falling. That ended the memory, so I assumed Kat ended up knocked out. Given that her pants were currently down to her ankles and Pinkie left her on full display, I’d say that might have been problematic.

“Man, mares are crazy,” I said, shaking my head. “And I guess mares caught by my human aura are even worse.”

“Could it perhaps be that you drive them crazy?” my guide asked. “Not your status as a human, just your overall personality.”

“I’m an annoying person, but I managed to get raped within, like, a year of my arrival. And one of the princesses was all over my hot bod before the second chapter was over. There’s being annoying and then there’s being cursed with a super unwanted crazy-magnet.”

“It has its upsides,” Pride said with a shrug. “You got laid all the time at the festival!”

“Yeah, and Celestia essentially raping me in her heat was one of them. My crotch ached for a week or so afterward.” Which is lucky, because I had a relatively easy week. “I could go without all the unwanted attention. Anyway, what’s the takeaway from this one, other than that both of them are crazy?”

“You must always remember that others perceive you very differently from how you perceive them,” Reason said. “Kat missed you the whole time you were gone and was so excited to see you. She was completely and utterly baffled when you were upset.”

“And after everything you’ve done for Pinkie, of course you’re one of her best friends,” Pride said. “Trusting her to handle Kat was unwise, given what she knew. You’re lucky Kat survived the encounter.”

“What the hell do you mean, lucky?” I asked. “That means I have to put up with her now!”

“If that is how you feel, why don’t you just get rid of her?” Reason asked.

“Because I’m utterly terrified of turning someone like her loose upon the world. With her new curse, she could get to anybody no matter where they hide. She has no morals, no inner compass, and I’m pretty much the only thing keeping what’s left of her sanity in check. The only way I’d feel safe without her by my side would be to kill her and I’m not going to do that.”

“It seems unwise to keep those who are so crazy around.”

“Kat is kept in check by Cascade,” I said. “I’m considering asking Luna to become a host as well. I’d feel safer trusting her with someone pure whispering in her ear. Now that all of the elementals have been fixed, she has her pick of the litter.”

“That would be wise,” Reason said. “Perhaps you should ask them to submit to… reconditioning, so to say. It would help fix their crazy entirely instead of just keeping it in check.”

“I already said no to that. My answer hasn’t changed. So, the takeaway here is that my pull is strong enough on these people that they like me even when they probably shouldn’t. I’m… starting to form a theory.”

“Put it into words,” Fear said.

“I think this… pull is how the humans plan to control all the species should I bring them forward in time.”

“It is possible if they somehow knew about it,” Reason said.

“If it is true, you have a choice to make,” Pride said. “Help the humans regardless and hope they don’t eventually betray you once they reign supreme, try and find a way to remove this pull before you help them, or don’t help the humans and keep your advantage.”

“Even if I don’t help them, I want to find a way to get rid of this. I’m tired of being a crazy magnet. When I get out, I’m telling everyone. Between Twilight and Luna, I’m sure we can find a fix.”

“Are you sure giving away such an advantage is wise?” Reason asked. “And more to the point, are you sure telling everyone is wise? You have already seen what some have done because of this pull. Do you think Kat or Taya would react well to knowing their affections are artificial?”

“Probably not, but I won’t lie to them anymore, even by omission. These memories have shown me what this curse of mine is capable of causing. Everyone must be aware of it so that they can begin fighting against it. Let’s do the next memory.”

“As you wish,” Reason said. She reached over and poked me.

We appeared in Tito’s office. It was just him and a very pissed off looking Minerva. “How could you let him just leave me?!”

“You heard him. He doesn’t want anyone with skin in the game. Which, to be fair, does make sense.”

“Again you take his side! What value is my loyalty to you, then? Are my wishes to be so casually swept aside?! You know what dark deeds the dogfather did to me!”

“I do. And I know what you will do to him once you get your paws on him.”

“If. The dogs who faced him last year call him a cowardly genius. I do not think he will have the courage to face the demon who vexes me so!”

The little chihuahua shook his head. “Where did you learn to speak?” Minnie bared her teeth. “Never mind. Those are not the only stories of Navarone, these days. His fame and reputation have grown. He will prevail. You will have revenge.” Minnie snorted.

The memory blinked and we suddenly stood in a cell with the dogfather, Minerva, and Tito. It was obvious the dogfather had been… poorly treated already.

“And you had no faith in him.”

“I still find it difficult to believe,” Minerva slowly said, looking down on the criminal. “I can scarce believe my eyes! Yet his scent rings true, even with the muck and grime of the sewers he so recently called home.”

“Navarone impresses once again. A part of me wonders if he knew of our request and captured the criminal before he came to us.”

“I had him tailed. My scout followed him to his villa, where he left the dragon and pony. He continued alone to the sewers, where my scout lost the trail.”

“...Nav went alone?” the little puppy quietly asked.

“So his reputation grows more and more, from leading slave revolts to taking down crime lords with ease. I would have him rewarded more for his part in our act, should you be willing.”

“I would be, depending on your idea.”

“Let us spread the word of his deeds in our homeland. Perhaps, should we ever meet again, he will feel so welcome that he will stay in your employ.”

“Even with what we’ll recover from this bastard’s operations, I doubt I could afford him for much again. Proper skill does not come cheap, yet had I known it would take so little time, I would have made my offer much smaller. He agreed so quickly, without even trying to bargain, that I assume I could have offered much lower.”

“Well, now we just need to make this scum talk. Would you like to watch?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have the stomach for it, but do enjoy yourself. Pace him, but remember we’re on a timer.” Minerva grinned and approached the dogfather with a pair of pliers.

Thankfully, the memory blinked again. This time, Minerva and Tito stood in front of a row of cells. Each was filled with someone my teams captured. It seemed that Miguel and Jocasta stayed behind to help extract information and were having themselves a ball. Thankfully, the person they were working on was currently gagged.

“So it seems Navarone comes to our aid once more,” Minerva said. “And this time allows me to join him.”

“What did you make of him?” Tito asked.

“He seems a fairly decent leader, but I do question his fighting abilities. One of my troops had to save him from being run through.”

“Many things can happen in the heat of battle, but it is true that he is rumored to have little skill. Most of his reputation comes from great deeds, not necessarily great battles.”

“Well, he now has one more great deed under his belt. With this victory, we are ever closer to unraveling these awful criminal networks. Did you ask if he would join our cause and bring justice to those who have done so much harm?”

“No. Nav has a child in Equestria. Returning to her is more important to him.”

“Understandable. Perhaps I should offer to school him in the blade ere he leaves.”

“No. Return to seeking information. We must find as much as we can. Turn your mind from Navarone for now. We shall sing his praises upon our return, but we currently have work to do.”

“As you command.” The memory finally ended completely, kicking me back out.

“So how did I see those?” I asked. “I’m not particularly close to either of them.”

“Satisfying Minerva’s revenge was enough to earn her eternal gratitude,” Pride said. “All actions have consequences. One of the consequences of taking down the dogfather was earning the loyalty of a powerful dog.”

“And yet now I have a bounty in China,” I said, crossing my arms. “I can’t help but wonder if spreading the fact that I took down the dogfather was just a diversion from the fact that I did it for them. So what’s the takeaway from this?”

“You mean aside from all the good you did by taking down a powerful crime leader?” Pride asked.

“Or the reputation you gained from it?” Reason asked.

“Or the friends and enemies you earned?” Fear asked.

“Yes. Or were those the takeaways?”

“As your reputation grows, the number of those who would seek out your services expands as well,” Pride said. “And the services they will request often have to do with what they hear about you. Keep that in mind the next time you’re presented the opportunity for an orgy.”

“And of course, always keep in mind possible repercussions of actions,” Fear said. “You didn’t really consider too much that the dogfather’s minions might seek vengeance.”

“I figured it would be a quick little unimportant side quest with no real lasting ramifications,” I replied with a shrug. “In most games, not much really changes when you take down big bad guys. I figured it would be the same here.”

“You once again underestimate yourself,” Pride said. “This deed of yours was great. It helped many.”

“I guess so. I wish I had more concrete information. It would be interesting to see how much crime actually dropped because of this. I might look into it after I get out.”

“Are you prepared for the next snippet?” my guide asked.

“Yep.”

We appeared in a room with a pissed off Shining Armor and a bored-looking Celestia. “So just what is so important?” Celestia sighed.

“Navarone is a murderer!”

“Is that all?” Celestia asked, rolling her eyes.

“W… What?! I just watched Nav cut the throats of several defenseless people!”

“Criminals, you mean,” Celestia said. “Criminals who attacked him and his friend.”

“He murdered them when they were already defeated!”

“Well, where were you and your guards to help him guard them?” she asked. “Was he just supposed to wait there until somepony came along?”

“We were turning the corner as he did it! I called out but he just ignored me! And then he did… something that blinded me and my guards!”

“Well, were you trying to attack him?”

“I was trying to arrest him! Why are we even talking about this? He’s a murderer! Give me permission to arrest him!”

Celestia finally rolled her eyes again. “Then come stand next to me,” she said. “If we’re going to be arresting somepony as important as Navarone, we need to make sure we get all the paperwork right.”

“Good!”

They both walked over to a desk and Celestia started rifling around. After a few seconds, her horn lit up and something smacked Shiny in the back of the head. He instantly dropped and she floated him onto the desk. When she had him in place, she put her horn against his forehead and did a little memory meddling. Once his mind was properly secured, she set him back on his feet and healed him.

His eyes fluttered and he gasped, looking around. “W-what… Where am I?”

“Oh dear, that blow to the head was a little worse than I thought,” Celestia said, looming in closer. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Um. W-what blow?”

“Hm. You may have lost a few hours. Navarone was attacked in the streets a few minutes ago. You showed up in time to help him but ended up getting hit on the head. How does it feel?”

“It… does kinda ache a little,” he said, reaching up to prod the area where she hit him. “Is Nav alright?”

“He’s perfectly fine. What we were talking about wasn’t too important. Give me a moment and I’ll have a servant escort you to your room. Take the rest of the night off and if you still feel bad in the morning, go see a doctor.”

“I think I’m fine, Princess. A little knock on the head won’t stop me.”

“I insist. I don’t want Cadance nagging me for allowing her husband to continue working after he just had a memory loss. If you don’t want to take the time to rest, take the time to enjoy the festival a little.”

He still seemed conflicted, but finally bowed. “As you command, Princess. I am feeling a little teleport lag. An early night will help.”

“Good. Let’s go find you a maid, then…”

That ended the memory. I snorted. “Go fucking figure. She plays the doting mother while secretly acting the monstrous tyrant. I can only wonder how many of my own memories have been removed.”

“Which is, of course, the takeaway,” Fear said. “Truly take a moment to think about what happened in that fight. Pinkie led you in a dance that helped you kill all the bandits. How realistic is that?”

“Not very, but realism takes a backseat to weird bullshit when Pinkie’s involved.”

“That is a fair point, but it doesn’t negate the takeaway,” Reason said. “There’s no telling how many of your memories may have been edited by Celestia, Flo, or Aqua.”

“Or any other number of people,” I said. “Apparently mind-raping me is quite popular.”

“And always traumatizing,” Fear said with a giggle.

“Sure is. So do we have another memory?”

“Several,” Fear said. This time, she poked me.

I actually appeared in Canterlot in front of an enraged Luna and a very scared Sunshine Smiles. “WHY ARE YOU NOT BY HIS SIDE?!” Luna demanded. “HE WAS ACCOSTED IN THE STREETS AND YOU WERE NOT THERE TO PROTECT HIM!”

“Y-you didn’t order me to, Princess!”

“Why should I need to? Did I not assign you to guard Navarone?”

“During the trip to Gryphus.”

Luna stared at him in silence for almost ten full seconds before her head tilted. “You were to guard him for life.”

“I don’t think he would appreciate that, Princess. He might threaten to harm me again.”

“I don’t care what he wants! He will be protected! His princess commands it!”

“Well, he’s currently on another continent.”

“Something easily and quickly rectified. I will give you fifteen minutes to prepare. You are going to guard him.”

“...And if he refuses?”

“I will give you a letter for my sister. She will either make him see sense or force him to deal with it.”

“Um. Okay.” He waited a few more seconds, but she was just staring at him expectantly. He finally bowed and awkwardly left.

Luna slammed the door behind him with magic and screamed in either rage or frustration. “This human vexes me so! Would that I could just keep him here in my grasp… I could make him love me if I had only the time!” She finally sighed and sagged a little before walking over to a desk to start a letter. That ended the little snippet.

“That was very telling,” I said, crossing my arms. “She doesn’t care what I want, huh?”

“Does that really come as a surprise?” Reason asked. “It should be obvious, at this point.”

“Assuming she wasn’t just speaking out of anger,” Fear said with a shrug.

“We often only say in anger what we truly believe all the time,” I said. “At this point, there’s no real way around it: Luna didn’t love me, she just felt a pull to me.”

“And thus, the takeaway,” Reason said. “Luna wanted you held safe and sound, preferably in her grasp. That’s all she wanted and all she seemed to care about.”

“So much for my old theory that my dick was just magic to the ponies…”

“One doesn’t exclude the other,” Pride replied.

“Fair. So once again, Luna is crazy. What’s up next?”

“A memory you probably don’t want to see,” Reason said. She immediately poked me, so I didn’t have time to bitch about it.

We ended up in a small dining room with a depressed Pinkie and a concerned Celestia. “What’s wrong, dear?” Celestia asked. “I thought you enjoyed parties. Is Navarone ruining it for you?”

“Princess, I… I did something… b-bad.”

“Oh? Tell me what’s wrong, Pinkie.”

“It… It wasn’t recently, but it’s been… festering. I thought I was doing a friend a favor, but all it ended up doing was hurting him…”

“Pinkie, what did you do?”

“Do… Do you remember when Nav was a pony the first time?”

“I do,” Celestia said with a nod. “And I remember Nav being in quite the hurry to change back.” Pinkie’s ears twitched. “Might this so-called favor of yours be something you did for him, perhaps?”

“...Yes.” She was silent for another few seconds. Celestia finally floated a cup of tea up to her lips and sipped at it. Pinkie watched for a moment before shivering and continuing. “Nav was never… Most of the ponies never really…”

“I know, Pinkie. What did you do?”

“W-well… One day, I brought him to a party at my house. At first, it was just the two of us and we were having a lot of fun! And then… I…” She finally trailed off, staring into space.

“Pinkie, as much as I would really like to give you all the time in the world, this party is busy and I have a lot of events planned. I really need you to get to the point, sooner rather than later.”

I highly doubt Pinkie was expecting that from her goddess, but it finally shocked her into blurting it out: “I raped him!” And then came the tears.

And that made it Celestia’s turn to be surprised. “...Oh.”

“And so did Rarity!”

“Wow. And Nav just… never told anybody?”

“N-no…”

“Hm. I’m happy that you told me, Pinkie. I wish you had done it considerably sooner. Which raises the question… Why did you do it now?”

“...I think seeing Kat again brought up old wounds in poor Navi. I thought he had forgiven me, but…”

“I will find and talk to him,” Celestia sighed. “Return to the party and try to put your mind at ease, Pinkie. It’s likely Nav’s anger is misdirected. He’ll realize it eventually and forgive you again, then hopefully direct it where it belongs: Katrina.”

“She’s a real meanie. She broke into our room and tried stealing from us!”

“...I see there is much that Nav keeps from me. Perhaps I shall have a talk with him about that, too.”

“...Please don’t get mad at him for something somepony else did, Princess.”

“Of course I’m not mad at him for that. I’m mad at him for not telling me that it happened. Now I have to put even more guards around your rooms…”

“What?!”

“Nav just captured one of the most powerful crime lords on the planet. My guards have already thwarted several attempts to enter your rooms by crooks. I’m utterly astounded Nav refused the personal guards. Now then…” Celestia finally stood and looked down upon Ponka. “Go get cleaned up, eat breakfast, and then rejoin the party. I shall deal with Navarone.”

“...Yes, Princess.”

“And if you want to assist repairing your relationship with Nav, leave the gender stones here. I shall return them to him. Trust me when I say that he does not enjoy being female and taking the choice away from him is a good way to upset him.”

Pinkie sighed and set the stones down on the table. Thankfully, that ended the memory.

“I can’t imagine how hard it was for Pinkie to fess up,” I said.

“It took courage and at least a little integrity,” Pride said. “She made a mistake, but it’s so obvious she regrets it.”

“I enjoyed hurting her for a little while. Watching the light fade from her sweet eyes was like ambrosia… Up until Flo reminded me what exactly I was doing.”

“You may have hurt her feelings, but she got a hefty amount of gold out of it,” Fear said. “Sixty-two hundred or so bits. More than enough for one mare to throw parties for years to come.”

“That will never justify the things I said, but it does make me feel better about them. Still, I’m glad Pinkie confessed to Celestia and I’m glad I got to see her do it. It makes me feel much better about the situation.”

“We’ve been trying to keep these memories semi-topical, which means skipping around a little,” Reason said. “This next one will be after the party, but you’re getting it because it’s relevant.”

“‘Kay.”

Fear booped me and I appeared in Celestia’s throne room with her, Pinkie, and Rarity. This would probably be right as Taya and I met up in my room, if I had to guess. Instead of a throne, Celestia was draped across a giant tulip. The floor was covered in grass and wildflowers.

“It’s an honor to be summoned back to Canterlot, Princess,” Rarity happily said. She and the pink menace both bowed. Pinkie actually nipped at a nearby flower and chewed it, which nobody else noticed. “What can Pinkie and I do for you?”

“I’m afraid you are not here for honor, this time,” Celestia said. That made the two of them rise again. “Pinkie has informed me of some potential… misdeeds. I would like to hear of this from your mouth.”

Rarity’s ears fell and she looked over at Pinkie, whose eyes were fixed on the ground. Since she wasn’t getting much help there, she turned back to Celestia, whose gaze had turned quite sharp. “Um. W-what manner of misdeeds, P-princess?”

“Rape.” Rarity’s mouth dropped. “Of Navarone, apparently.”

“O-oh… That.”

“I see. So it’s true.”

“It… it is, but I would like to explain myself, if at all possible.”

“That is why you are here,” Celestia said. “Begin explaining, please.”

“I have lived in Ponyville my entire life. I enjoy traveling, but rarely have the chance. That means I get very limited interaction with stallions. Limited to the point where I… forgot why most towns are gender-segregated. From almost all indications I had at the time, Nav was willing. It… certainly didn’t help that Pinkie and I were in estrus, of course…”

“Of course. So, do you think this excuses your actions?”

“...For a very long time, I was afraid that Nav would tell somepony. Over time, that changed. I… I became afraid that I would live forever with the knowledge that I had so seriously harmed a friend and my actions would do nothing more than haunt his soul for eternity. I could never have told anypony myself for fear of harming Pinkie, but… I know I deserve punishment for my part in this. I broke the law and hurt a friend. That’s the end of it.”

“That’s part of why I told her,” Pinkie said. “I… I couldn’t bear it anymore. We both hurt one of our dearest friends, a poor colt who’s so far from home and almost friendless… He said he forgave us, but I still think a part of him would feel good knowing we were punished.”

“I had a talk with Nav,” Celestia said. “I don’t think punishment will be necessary.”

“W-what?” Rarity whispered.

“How come?!” Pinkie shouted.

“As I said, I spoke to Nav. He regrets being so mean to you at the party, Pinkie. Despite his actions, he has forgiven you both. You did something horrible, but you learned your lesson, you confessed, and the victim has forgiven you. I see no reason to push the point.”

“That isn’t right!” Rarity shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “We did something wrong! I demand to be punished!”

“I won’t demand it, but I think it’s fair,” Pinkie said. “And I don’t think that’s the real reason.”

“There is no need for theatrics and there is no need for questions,” Celestia said. “Accept this for the learning experience it is and speak of it no more.”

Before Celestia could explain, the door creaked open and the memory jumped. Rarity looked pissed. Pinkie was giggling. Celestia was staring at where I had been standing.

After a few seconds, Pinkie said, “He sure got you good, Princess!” That obviously shocked Rarity, but she didn’t have time to reply. “You really probably should follow up, though. If those naga hurt him, that isn’t right! Not after he did so much to help them!”

“W-wait… could he have been telling the truth?” Rarity slowly asked. “Just how many mares have accosted him?”

And just like that, Celestia started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” Pinkie asked. “Nav’s the one who just got told we won’t be punished because we’re more important! If anything, he should be the one crying!”

“I have a feeling Nav already knew full well,” Rarity sighed. “He was just proving a point.”

“Well duh,” Pinkie said. “Why else do you think he never told anypony? I had a pretty strong suspicion we’d be fine if I told the princess, which is why I wasn’t really too worried.”

“Y-you were n-near tears!” Celestia said, choking back tears.

“Yeah, I was manipulating you. It was pretty easy. You’re way too overconfident, Princess. Anywho, I think I’m gonna hit up the party store in Canterlot before heading home. Nav gave me a bunch of bits and I know just what to get!” She started skipping out of the room without a backward glance, leaving Rarity with the now-sobbing Celestia.

After a few awkward seconds, Rarity took a moment to compose herself. She looked over to Celestia, lifted a hoof and opened her mouth, paused, shook her head, lowered her hoof and started walking away. When she got to the doors, Celestia let out a particularly loud sob, making Rarity stop and sigh. She finally walked back over to Celestia and patted the giant mare’s shoulder.

“There, there, Princess. You only mostly ruined Nav’s life. I’m sure with a decade or so of support from his friends, he might be relatively normal again, or whatever passes for it to a human. Now that I think about it, you stole mortality from him, too, so surely he’ll have plenty of time to get well!”

Rarity suddenly froze, lit up in a dark blue aura. Luna finally appeared from the shadows, holding Rarity with magic. Celestia continued crying as Luna slowly approached the poor mare who was struggling to move.

“Your words lack their usual generosity, Rarity,” Luna said when she was right next to her. “I can’t help but wonder what I missed. For it to leave my sister sobbing, it must have been quite interesting.” Her head leaned in and she poked Rarity with her horn. Rarity shivered and her eyes rolled up. “Well well, so Navarone has finally bared his teeth. I don’t think she’ll mind a few… modifications.”

Rarity suddenly twitched and looked around. Obviously, it didn’t take her long to notice the crying princess in front of her. “P-princess Celestia! What’s the matter?”

“Navarone is the matter,” Luna said. “Don’t you remember?”

“I remember… Princess Celestia summoned me here to talk about…” Rarity’s face lit up bright red and her ears fell. “...A private thing. While we were discussing it, Nav came in and started yelling at her! I… I can’t seem to recall what he was yelling, though…”

“It was enough to make my poor sister cry, it would seem,” Luna said. “I will console her.”

“And I will deal with that… that human!”

“Perhaps it would be best—” Rarity paid her no mind, trotting out the door with a purposeful gait. Luna shrugged and looked down at her sister. “I warned you that pushing him was unwise. I warned you that he was more dangerous than you realized. I might not have warned you that a cornered animal will always fight back, but I shouldn’t have to. I’m afraid many of our actions have placed Nav in… uncomfortable positions.”

“H-he’s leaving us!”

Luna stared down at her sister for several uncomfortably long seconds. “No, he is not.”

“He… he told me… He’s leaving in a year, sister… We drove him away.”

“That’s preposterous,” Luna said. “Where is he going to go? Nobody would have him! He’s tied too closely to us for that.”

“Are you underestimating him, n-now?”

“Then I suppose it’s finally time to perform some modifications on his memory then, too. I’ll make my estrus just a haze of mindless pleasure in his mind and that should be enough to make him mine again. Then he’ll have no reason to leave!” She started trotting to the door, but Celestia’s magic grabbed her tail.

“Let him leave.”

Luna immediately swung back around, glaring at her sister. “He is mine! I will not let him go!”

Celestia finally stood, using magic to clear away her tears as she rose. “No. He is not yours and he never was. He’s been afraid from the start, Luna. First, he was afraid you were there to watch him. Then he was afraid that you were falling for him. Then he was afraid of your past. And now… now he’s finally just afraid of you. No more.” Luna’s mouth opened, but Celestia slapped a hoof on the floor. “No more! We have already driven him away. Let him make a life for himself in the world. Away from Equestria. Away from us. If you truly care about Nav, allow him the chance to be untethered, as he has always wanted.”

“I do truly care about Nav. And because I truly care about Nav, I would much rather have him here, under my protection. Obviously he needs it, if so many have been able to take advantage of him.”

“I said no more. Word of Nav’s departure will not leave this room and you will not discuss it with him. You will not try to change his mind. You will allow him to leave when he says he intends to leave.”

“Why should we just let him walk away? Have you already forgotten his value, sister? Allow me to put my hoof on the scale, so to say. After a nice conversation, I’m sure Nav and I can come to an agreement…”

“I forbid it. You are to leave him alone. No more spying on him. No more lusting after him. Navarone is lost to you. Put him out of your mind.”

Luna rudely snorted and stalked off. Celestia sighed and hung her head as her sister exited. That ended the memory.

“Alright, I’m kinda confused,” I said. “Did Pinkie feel bad or not? Because it’s looking a lot like no, she didn’t.”

“I think she did,” Reason said. “But that doesn’t mean she expected to get punished by coming out to Celestia. Especially with her crocodile tears act. I would not put much thought into her behavior.”

“Fair enough. So looks like there are a few lessons from this. One, Luna is terrifying. Two, Luna is amoral. Three, apparently Celestia did have at least a few morals left rattling around in there. Four, Pinkie is extremely good at acting. Five, Rarity probably would have liked me a lot more if none of her memories had ever been tampered with. And last, blatantly exposing Celestia’s corruption was really fun.”

“Which leads us to the true takeaway,” Fear said. “Celestia’s corruption kept you out of trouble in some cases, but also was the reason you went down your dark path to begin with.”

“For the most part, I’d say it was detrimental.”

“So how will you lead?” Reason asked. “Say one of your close followers does something wrong, something illegal. Will you allow them to get away with it?”

“I would like to say no, but my answer is already blatantly obvious. I’ve allowed Kat and Luna to serve me in lieu of punishment. Is that wrong?”

“Maybe not now,” Pride said. “But let’s say Kat does hurt someone, someone you didn’t order her to hurt. What will you do?”

“If she starts acting out like that, it’ll mean her mental state has deteriorated to the point where she’s no longer useful. The same would go for pretty much anyone else with me. Either you support what I’m doing and will follow the laws I’m pushing for or you will be left by the wayside. I truly hope there will never be a need for exceptions.”

“Exceptions are what made Celestia slowly turn corrupt,” Reason said. “One little exception at a time, until exceptions become rules.”

“Intent is key,” I said. “There are always reasons to break some rules. But even with good intent, there is the matter of reputation. If a well-meaning close ally does something super fucked up and everyone finds out about it, I have to cut that ally loose.”

“Does that extend to Chrysalis’s deal with Discord?” Fear asked.

“Maybe. I don’t know who else knows about it, though. I would hate to cast my beautiful Moonbeam aside.” She’s one of my only sane marriage prospects...

“Marrying a queen would be awesome!” Pride said. “Think of all the power and prestige!”

“Yeah, those would be the biggest downsides,” I sighed. “But I could learn to endure it. Anyway, is that it for the festival?”

“It isn’t,” Reason said. She reached up to poke me again.

This time, we ended up in Kat’s hospital room with just her and Pinkie. Kat looked terrified and Pinkie actually looked kinda awkward.

“So… Nav and I had a talk,” Pinkie finally said. “And I’m sorry for threatening you…”

“...Why?”

“Um. Because it was wrong?”

“No, why are you apologizing? Your actions were justified. I’ve done nothing but hurt that poor tom… I don’t deserve to be around him!”

“I hurt him too, but he… he forgave me. And if he can forgive me, he can forgive you. So I’ll apologize for being mean, justified or not. You’ll never change if you aren’t given a second chance, after all.”

“...A second chance?” Kat whispered.

“Yep! You did something terrible, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to try to make up for it. You gotta fight for it, though.”

“It is difficult to do so when Nav is so far away…”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem much longer,” Pinkie said with a knowing smile. “He’s finally waking up to what the princess is. I give it a year before he leaves for good. I bet you could go with him.”

“...If he would have me.”

“Yep!” The door started opening again, making the memory end.

“...Was Pinkie trying to get me to leave?” I asked. “She actually spent a lot of time trash-talking Celestia during the festival.”

“That wouldn’t make any sense,” Reason said. “She thought you were taken over by a brain leech. Why would she try to encourage you to leave?”

“I don’t know, but it’s a weird coincidence. Pinkie scares me. Anyway, I imagine the lesson here was supposed to be about Kat. Lay it on me.”

“Shortly before this happened, you told Kat something,” Fear said. “Do you remember what it was?”

“Something about having a nice ass?”

“Are you prepared for the next snippet?” Pride asked.

“Sure.”

One of his claws wrapped around my face. We appeared in Kat’s room at the gaudy mansion she was staying at. It was just past-me and her, though past-me was greyed out. Kat was just staring at me with a smile, completely ignoring what I was saying. She was still bed-ridden, so I guess she was conserving her energy. In this case, her bed was a flat moss-covered rock and her blanket was a bunch of large leaves woven together. My seat was a stump carved into a chair.

You told me there was no hope. You told me there was no chance of forgiveness. You told me that all you feel for me is fear. And yet...

“Did I say that?” I asked.

“You did,” Reason said. “You told her quite clearly that there was no chance you would ever forgive her.”

“...Oh.”

Hearing that finally made me realize just how far I had pushed you. It made me rethink a lot of my choices. Why continue living if all I do is bring pain? Everyone would be better off without me and nobody would even miss me…

“Alas, poor Kat,” I said, shaking my head. “Truly a tragic soul…”

And yet you offer me a second chance, as Pinkie said you might. A chance to atone. A chance to… earn forgiveness. Perhaps one day you can look upon me without flinching. Perhaps one day I can hold you without making your skin crawl.

“Wow, finally someone who actually realizes what they did to me was wrong.”

And maybe one day, instead of taking you for myself, I can finally convince you to give yourself to me willingly. Then I can own you with tender love and affection instead of pain and abuse.

“And there she goes ruining it,” I sighed.

You will be mine someday, my succulent little birdy. Hearing your songs of pleasure will be the highlight of my world! Oh, it will simply be perfect! Now how can I only make you realize it? I didn’t notice it at first, but her claws were slowly kneading the blanket, fucking it up. How oh how will I make you love me?

And that ended the little snippet, putting me back in the main memory. I sighed and started massaging one of my temples. “Kat is getting really difficult to keep defending.”

“Then why keep doing it?” Reason asked. “Have you not seem ample evidence to cast her aside?”

“No. I need to see how she acts and thinks today, not how she acted and thought a few years ago. I will say that this is troubling, but time changes us all. Flo can also change us all, and she certainly changed Kat. I’m sure her current elemental also did. The super fucked up key maze thing also kinda damaged her a little. Knowing that she was thinking these things back then is worrying, for sure. But it’s not deal-breaking. It’s similar to Luna. Hearing that she didn’t give a fuck what I thought and only wanted to keep me for herself is about what I expected. I’m interested in how she feels now. All of this is just important context. I can’t decide anything off of it.”

“Well, we can’t just skip ahead,” Pride said.

“I don’t want to. Like I said, this is all important context. I need to know how Kat used to feel so I can tell how far she’s changed once we get to it. It’s also important to know how the changes happened. That said, I don’t really think I have much more to say about this one.”

“You almost made Kat kill herself,” Fear said. “Do you not think that bears discussion?”

“We already did discuss it,” I said. “That was one of the first things we talked about when we got to the festival section: My actions and words mean a lot more to people than I think. This is the same situation: I said something mean to Kat that hit her much harder than I thought it would. I’m going to do my best to stop doing shit like that to the people I care about.”

“Then it seems that you have learned your lessons well,” my guide said. “That is all we had for the festival. Are you prepared to continue?”

“When I first entered this coma, I really didn’t know what to expect,” I said. “Being forced to go through all of this again, with what I know now and these extra memories, is providing me with more than I was expecting. I didn’t think the coma would just be me realizing how shitty everybody around me was and how shitty I became because of it, but I guess it’s still a good lesson to learn. I’m ready to move on. Let’s see who fucks me over, stabs me in the back, or blatantly disrespects me next!”

“That’s the spirit!” Fear said. “High hoof!” One of her hooves lifted up and she grinned.

I shot some finger pistols at her. “No thanks, toots. Smell y’all later. Let’s kick it.” My guide flashed and off we went.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Three

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Three

We appeared right back in the glade, unfortunately. I was kinda hoping to keep the memory train rolling. “What’s up?” I asked.

“Your filly has finished her message,” my guide said. “As has one of your marefriends. Are you prepared for them?”

“One at a time, preferably. And which marefriend?” I never thought I’d get to ask that question.

“Twilight, though Celestia is currently leaving a message as we speak.”

What the fuck? She doesn’t even know me! “Well, let’s hear Taya’s.”

The guide reached out her hands to hold my cheeks and my filly’s loving words started filling my mind. “Hi mommy! I hope you’re having fun in your coma. Luna says you’ll hear anything anyone important to you says, and there’s nobody more important to you than me, so I know you’ll hear it all! So, first, you’re the best mommy ever and I’m never gonna let you forget it, no matter how much weirder the coma makes you.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s the weird one, here,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Also, Luna said you probably wouldn’t be able to feel my hugs, so you’ll just have to believe me when I say I’m currently hugging you right now. It seems like you’ve lost some color since you got here, but you still smell sooo good!” She got in real close and started sniffing and giggling. “Oh mommy, you’ll never know how much I love you… It took me ages to train you into a mostly proper mommy, but now that I’m gonna be your adorable little filly forever, it was worth it!” That made her giggle some more, which ended in her sniffing me again.

“I really, really fucked up as a parent,” I sighed.

When she finally got tired of creeping me out, she started talking again. “Anyway, Luna also told me some of what you might see in there. It doesn’t really seem fair you get to see into our memories! I wanna see into yours! So I got to thinking that maybe I should do it, too! Flo keeps telling me I’m acting weird and creepy all the time, so maybe I could use the coma to make me cuter instead of like Luna!” Burn! “But that seems like way too much time away from you, so I was just gonna have Flo or Aqua do it manually before I go in to rescue you.”

“I highly doubt either of my elementals would actually do that,” I said. “At the very least, I know Aqua won’t, because she doesn’t have permission.”

“That’s when I remembered that you probably ordered Aqua not to do that and Flo told me she wouldn’t help me, so I asked if Luna had any spells to do it. Unfortunately, she said she had been ordered not to follow any stupid orders. Since she’s crazy, I couldn’t sway her with logic and reasoning.”

“Gotta love loyalty,” I said with a smirk.

“So I finally decided to pick a pet so I could get most of what Flo calls my creepy possessiveness out on something that can’t complain about it! He’s so cute! Flo helped me train him, so he’s perfectly well behaved! I uh… I don’t think everyone approves, though…”

“Oh lord, what the hell did she get?”

“A baby cockatrice,” the guide said.

“Flo, what the fuck?”

Flo didn’t answer, not that I really expected her to. Instead, Taya continued. “Well, they’ll get over it. Especially if it actually does help make me less creepy! Although I still think your robot is exaggerating.” That made her pause for a moment. “No, not our robot, her robot. You may be in my head, but you aren’t mine! Now hush, I’m having a heartfelt talk with mommy! Although… You can talk to her, right? So we could have a conversation?” She paused again before sighing. “Oh.”

“Man, I feel like I’m in for a long haul,” I sighed.

Sure enough, it was a very long talk. She dedicated the first few hours to talking about how much she loved me and going into all the reasons why. Most of them revolved around me saving her, giving her an awesome life, being the best mommy ever, and all the belly rubs and ear scritches.

The second batch of hours was spent talking about all the classes she had been taking and how cool learning so many new ways of blowing shit up was. Apparently there were also a few cute colts who were starting to pay attention to her, which was a nice plus. She may have even made a friend, which was only a little shocking.

The third set was spent on her gushing about how awesome traveling with everyone has been and how she’s had so much fun killing things with me. It included a description of a few of the events from her point of view. That part was actually extremely interesting and I had a feeling I’d be seeing some of them personally when the coma progressed that far. I was actually left with several questions I wanted to ask my adoring little filly, but it would have to wait.

Fourth, she filled an hour discussing how great it would be when Twilight and I got married and she had two mommies to train. It included matching our outfits and hair, training in combat together, and working on ways to create a weird magical lesbian spawn so she could have more siblings. Although she admitted she would also be okay with adopting some others, if it came to that.

And finally, she spent two hours talking about how much fun she’d have fighting in the Tartarus war, which kinda made me feel bad about having to explain that she wouldn’t be there. But that would be a problem for future me, so I put it out of my mind.

She finished her talk with explaining just how much she loved me, which took her an additional fifteen minutes. The poem she wrote to express it was cute, but a little weird. The last thing she said was that Twilight was waiting her turn, so it was no surprise that I started hearing her voice next.

“I got here while Taya was talking about how great it would be for us to get married, Navi. It got me kinda thinking… Well, I know this coma is supposed to help you make up your mind about a lot of things. And according to Luna, you can hear what we say. So maybe my words will help sway your mind. I’ve been with you since your beginning, Nav. Ever since you were created, we’ve been butting heads. I know we can both admit that we’ve molded each other for the better.”

“For the most part,” I muttered.

“That’s something you need to remember when looking at all of your options. Moonbeam may be changing into something better, but her personality is still very domineering. She wouldn’t change herself to make you happy. Fleur is a high and mighty Canterlot mare. You may have tempered her some, but I can tell she’s almost as controlling as Moonbeam.”

“As if you can really talk.”

“I know you’ve complained before about my… possessiveness. Unlike some of your other paramours, I’m not so old and set in my ways that I can’t fix things. Of course, that comes with the obvious addition that I’m not the only one with things to fix.”

“Which is obviously fair, of course,” I said with a shrug.

“It’s not fair for me to nitpick while you can’t talk back, so we can discuss it all later. After all, I’m sure I have a few other habits you find annoying. Compromise is the cornerstone of all relationships and all I want out of any partner is complete fairness. I do still think we should try and score Princess Gilda as well, though. That would give you a royal title and a cute little princess to corrupt. She has her brother’s permission at this point, so all you need to do is say yes and it’ll be official!”

“I honestly find it weird that my marefriend is trying to get me to marry another woman,” I said. “But I guess it’s just par for the course, at this point.”

“Although I’d still be just as happy to have you all to myself, of course. You know our minds work well together. Surviving this awful maze is enough proof of that, not to mention the several… lascivious books we’ve worked on. It’s hard to know the depths of your wonderful mind, but I think I’ve gotten enough of an understanding to say we complement each other better than most.”

“True in some ways, false in others. We clash about as often as we agree.”

“The only particular downside with me is that you wouldn’t gain any manner of dowry or title. Gilda or Moonbeam would make you royalty and there’s really no way I can compete with that. I know you always say you aren’t interested in position, but you keep talking about wanting to shape the world more. Being royalty would put you in a much better position for that. Gilda’s the perfect candidate because of it, too. We’d be in the perfect position to whisper into her brother’s ear. Between that, Moonbeam, Cadance, and Celestia, we’d have this entire continent under our control.”

“After we take Central America, at least,” I said. “Quite the lofty goal, but it does make sense.”

“My personal recommendation is to have your choice made, whatever it may be, by the time the Tartarus campaign starts. If we’re successful, things will begin rapidly changing. You’ll need a solid anchor to help you keep steady. I’m obviously the best mare for you, but I’ll understand if you make the wrong choice.” Thankfully, that last line sounded sufficiently sarcastic. “You know, as long as whoever you choose lets me have a turn every now and then. Or at least lets me watch…”

“And of course, she had to ruin it…”

Thankfully, Twilight didn’t take up nearly as much time as Taya. She did spend a few hours talking about all the good times we had, though. That included beating Trixie twice, the boring stuff we did in the Middle East, saving everyone at Cadance’s wedding, saving everyone in the Crystal Empire, surviving Athena’s maze, and a lot more lewd stuff than I expected her to talk about. Once again, hearing it all from someone else’s perspective made the stories much more interesting.

When she finally got bored of talking, she said, “Apparently you can’t feel what we’re doing, so I just want you to know I’m about to kiss you.” I’m assuming she leaned in to do so. “Alright, turns out, that wasn’t the best idea. I forgot it’s been a few days since you brushed your teeth.” That made me giggle. “I plan on visiting again, but it might be a few days. I’ve been working with Princess Gilda and a few changeling architects to build your college. She’s been surprisingly open-minded about their designs.”

“So the little birdie actually can change her tune…”

“I guess I’ll talk to you again in a few days, unless you wake up first. I’m patting your shoulder goodbye.” And just like that, things went silent for a moment before she started talking again. “As it turns out, Celestia entered the book and I can’t leave. I’m not sure why she’s here, to be honest. There’s no way you’d hear anything she says. You barely even know her now!”

“Unless she’s here to talk to Athena, of course,” I said.

“I don’t expect her to take very long and I really kinda want to watch. I just figured I’d let you know, in case you were interested. Talk to you soon, Navi!”

“That’s a pretty good point, actually,” I said. “How can Celestia talk to me in here? I’m not close to her at all yet.”

“You are the most formative thing she knows,” my guide said. “You are the one who finally defeated and tamed her. And when she came to, you were the first one to speak more than a few words to her. Not only that, but you’ve decided to treat her fairly and honestly despite having all the power over her. Had you ever been at the mercy of the mare she once was, you would no longer exist. Celestia knows this and takes it to heart. Combine that with the fact that Flo custom-built her to be the perfect wife for you and it comes as no surprise that she could speak to you in the coma.”

“...Flo did what now?” I slowly asked.

“She appears very unhappy with me,” the guide said. “Perhaps I should not have said anything…”

“I think you very much should have,” I replied. “And I think you should explain.”

“You have noticed all the details yourself,” she said. “All I can see are the facts with which you are presented. I come to different conclusions than you might, but I think we can both see what Flo’s intent was.”

“Put it to words,” I said.

“The water elementals wanted you to marry Celestia. You refused. You granted a water elemental the power to build Celestia’s mind from the ground up, but didn’t give her any conditions for it. Tell me, what do you think a self-serving entity would do when given the opportunity to subtly arrange something that was openly denied to them?”

“I guess it depends entirely upon whether that self-serving entity desires to stay in my favor or not. So, is Celestia’s message finished?”

“It is. Are you prepared to hear it?”

“I am.”

“There is something about you that draws others in,” Celestia said. “And I don’t mean charisma or leadership or even lust. There is something about you, specifically, that acts as an actual pull toward others. The mare I once was suspected it. Upon examining my older memories, I felt no such pull in any of them. But ever since you first left my side, I’ve felt myself wanting to see you again. I don’t know what it is yet, but I would like your assistance in deciphering this mystery. I believe it is a part of what made my sister lose herself so heavily, and why so many have accosted you.”

“A little late to the party, but at least she means well,” I said. “I’m surprised she’s telling me, though.”

“I hope beyond hope that this is either something you do not know or merely suspect,” she continued. “The thought that you knew about your pull and used it against us is… disquieting. Flo and Aqua hasten to your defense, but I know where their loyalties lie. I would speak to you when you leave this coma.”

“You can tell her that I found out the day I entered the coma,” I said. “And explain everything I know about it so far. I’m going to tell everyone when I get out, anyway.”

“I’m not here solely to discuss such topics, of course,” Celestia said. “I have spoken more to Moonbeam, Cadance, and Shining Armor. I believe a war on Tartarus is feasible. It will require very careful planning and execution, but it can be done. As we speak, your massive ship floats toward Canterlot, harvesting resources as it goes. Craftsponies are being teleported in as they sign up and Jak is putting them to good use. Soon, the ship will be a bustling hive of industry.”

“Sounds pretty neat. I was hoping to see it dock with the city for the first time, though…”

“And with business out of the way, I’d like to discuss something more personal. You talked about marriage with the old me more than once. I think it would be a marvelous idea and would like to formally extend the offer. In case you don’t actually hear this, I’ll make it again in person later. You’re intelligent, so I won’t waste time listing all the benefits. We could grow to be great partners. I know you’re still wary of me, so I understand you’d have to take time to consider such a thing.”

“Welp, I guess that confirms that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I bet Blaze’s offer still stands.”

“Of course, I do not make such a declaration lightly. For any to marry me would be a grand affair, something celebrated across the globe. We could announce it after the Tartarus victory and host a month-long celebration. We can be wed at the end and declare it a state holiday forevermore! That way, we’d always have our anniversary off...”

“How much time has she spent thinking about this? Jesus.”

“That is the wrong question,” my guide said. “How far have your trusted elementals planned ahead?

“Judging by what Aqua was planning, I’d say they’ve planned ahead a few centuries. Judging by Aqua’s execution, I’d say whatever they might have been planning was doomed to fail from the start.” That made my guide giggle, at least.

I really didn’t want to be there forever, so I let Celestia continue. “Of course, should you choose one of your current paramours instead, I would highly recommend Moonbeam. For one, she’d share you. For another, locking her in as an ally would be valuable, and a ring around her horn would be the best way. And finally, she’s the one who makes you moan the most in bed, hooves down.”

“All very good reasons,” I said with a nod. “And she would be the best option if not for two things: A mysterious deal with Discord and living underground.”

“Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time. You still barely know me, after all, so I don’t even know if you’ll hear this. Have a good rest in there, Nav. If any of us deserve one, it’s… W-what are you… Get off me, you wretched ape!”

Hera’s cackling cut Celestia off. After a second or two, I heard what sounded like a horse bucking in place, along with some whinnying and more of Hera’s laughter. When Celestia started getting tired, I heard a squirt bottle followed by an indignant squawk. Thankfully, that shut everyone up.

“It’s good to hear that Hera’s making friends,” I said with a smile. “So was that the last of the messages?”

“For now. Are you prepared to return to your memories?”

“Yes.”

We flashed out of her glade and appeared in a very heavily modified version of Celestia’s chambers. Everything had been replaced by furniture-shaped bushes and the floor was dirt. Two bodies were on the floor and Cadance was on the bed with her hellspawn.

“This was when I killed the assassins as a baby,” I said. “Why are we here? This wasn’t formative.”

“Not to you, perhaps,” Moonbeam said from behind me. That’s a new one. I turned around and she was standing there with Reason. “But to Cadance, this moment meant everything.”

“So who are you?” I asked.

“I am Love,” she replied with a grin. “Surprised?”

“To be honest, a little. I was really expecting Cadance.”

“That doesn’t hurt my feelings, but it would hurt your precious Moonie’s. Who could ever know more about love than the woman who has stopped at nothing to get it for the last six thousand years?”

“I guess that’s a fair point, but the counterpoint is the woman who can make people fall in love at will and can magically create it to the point where a changeling can eat it. But you’re who my mind chose, so who am I to argue?”

“So do you really have no idea why you’re here?” Reason asked.

“I saved Cadance’s life. It was the catalyst that got her moved into my house. That led to all kinds of things.”

“And it’s why I am here,” Love said. “This was the first time someone in Equestria felt the stirrings of true love toward you.”

“...She told me I was like a brother.”

“You were, eventually,” Love said. “But this is when she first realized how truly reliable you were. Before, you did your duty as anyone would expect by saving her. Here, you acted with limited time and limited information against powerful, unknown enemies all in an effort to save her and her foal. You saved her life when she felt that she was in the safest place on the planet.”

“And in doing so, you taught her a very important lesson,” Reason said. “There is no safer place than at your side.”

“That might be a teensy bit hyperbolic,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“We have a memory for you,” Love said. “Are you prepared?”

“Sure.” Before she could move, I leaned in and kissed her.

This time, I ended up in Cadance’s room. It was her, the baby, and Skyla. “I don’t think it’s safe here,” the baby said.

“In light of recent events, I’d say it’s the opposite of safe, Shiny,” Cadance said. “I was attacked by three assassins in Celestia’s own bedroom!”

“But they were all stopped.”

“By somepony who is no longer here.” That made Shiny’s ears twitch. “Honey, I know that you are perfectly capable of keeping me safe. But you cannot protect me every minute of every day.”

“How many guards would you like? I know three right off the top of my head who would give their lives to protect you.”

Cadance shook her head. “I don’t want ponies to die for me. I would much rather them survive.”

“You know what I meant. Say the word and I’ll make it happen.”

“I don’t know… There was a full complement of guards at the palace the night I was attacked…”

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” he replied with a sigh. “I can’t always be there for you, not while trying to track everyone down.”

“I see a simple solution,” Cadance said with a cheeky grin. “Just assign Navi to be my guard again!”

“W-what?”

“I’m sure he’d love to spend more time with his favorite princess!” Her horn lit up and a scroll appeared. “I’ve taken the liberty of drafting the notice for him. Have somepony deliver it as soon as possible. He’ll need all the time he can get to present himself tomorrow morning!”

Shiny floated the scroll over and popped it open. After quickly reading it, he shook his head. “As amusing as it would be to deliver this, I’m afraid it would be pointless.”

“...What do you mean?” Cadance asked.

“It has been made clear to me that I have no authority over him. He would laugh in the face of whoever delivered it.”

“That’s inconvenient, but not surprising. Good thing I had a backup plan!”

“Oh boy… So what is this plan?”

“Skyla and I just move in with him instead!”

It actually took him a few seconds to process that one. “Uh. Why?”

“Because his house is out of the way and a fort besides, he’s so antisocial that he probably doesn’t get many guests, and I can finally study him in his natural habitat!”

“His natural habitat is among humans. I’m hesitant to entrust the lives of my wife and daughter to his hands. He’s too unpredictable.”

“Those unpredictable hands have saved my life more times than any hooves or horns ever have. Nav may be… difficult to get along with at times, but he’s extremely capable, loyal, and has the most powerful talent anyone ever could: Being in the right place at the right time. So if I’m living with him, he’ll have the home-field advantage when it comes to protecting me. That way, you can rest easy knowing your wife is safe just a single town over and put your mind to finding the villains.”

“...We have no right to just barge into his home,” Shiny slowly said.

“Sure we do. We have every right to do it, in fact. Nav is a knight of Equestria. As a princess, I have every right to seize anything of his I want. If we can’t talk him into it, I’ll just temporarily seize a room in his house.”

“No you won’t. I have a feeling that trying to force him to do anything would require getting Celestia or Luna involved. Besides, we might actually have the legal right to do it, but we have no moral right to do it. We’ll talk to Nav. If he doesn’t agree, we’ll find another solution.”

“...That probably would be for the best, to be honest. Very well then. Shall we?”

“What, you mean right now?”

“Yes.” Her horn lit up again and a large bag appeared. “I already packed!”

“I thought your plan was to just order him to come here.”

“I had a feeling that wouldn’t work. This was the backup plan. Let’s get going, then!”

Shiny just sighed.

I got booted back into Celestia’s room. At this point, the lights were on and Cadance was holding her foal and crying. “I’m really surprised she thought trying to force me to do things was a good idea,” I said. “She should have known how that would end.”

“One of the takeaways here is that Shining Armor did not allow it,” Love said. “There are many things you can say about his character, but he always seems to do what he thinks is right.”

“I’ve had my disagreements and problems with him in the past, but yeah. He’s a good person. Minus the pseudo-rape, but that’s basically the new norm these days anyway.”

“Cadance rushed to defend you at every turn,” Reason said. “Shiny’s arguments were valid, yet she did not hesitate to sing your praises.”

“Those disagreements and problems gave him a well-founded negative opinion of me. He had every right to be suspicious, although I never planned to hurt Cadance.”

“Do you regret that his opinion of you was so negative?” Love asked.

“No.”

“Such a hasty answer!” Reason said. “Surely not one that was thought out.”

“If you have something to say, don’t waste my time with bullshit.”

“Why was Shiny’s opinion of you negative?” Reason asked.

“Probably because I was a dishonest cheating scumbag.”

“And you don’t regret that?” Love asked.

“That isn’t the question you asked. I like Shiny now, but at the time, he was a self-righteous asshole who needed to get knocked down several dozen pegs. I don’t regret that his opinion of me was negative. My opinion of him was just as negative, with the addition that I knew how much of a failure he was as a lover. And for the record, regretting being a dishonest cheating scumbag is part of why I decided to do the coma in the first place.”

“That is considerably better thought out,” Reason said with a nod.

“And an understandable position,” Love said.

“So, the first takeaway here is that, despite being a self-righteous asshole at times, Shiny still did the right thing, even when it was inconvenient. The second is that Cadance knew that I was reliable and someone she could trust. On top of that, she defended me to any who doubted it.”

“You know full well how useful a grateful royal can be,” Love said.

“I’m definitely enjoying the Ambassador.”

“She knew you would,” Love said with a grin. Reason scoffed.

“Are you prepared to move on?” my guide asked.

“If there aren’t any other memories, I am.” I guess there weren’t, because her eyes flashed and things flickered.

We appeared among a group of night guards overlooking a foggy field. It took me a moment to realize we were at the war games. “I guess this is another formative moment for Shiny and Cadance, huh?”

“Indeed,” Reason said. “More Shining Armor, though.”

I turned around and finally beheld Cadance. She was standing with Reason and Pride. “So you finally show yourself. Who are you, then?”

“Passion!” Cadance happily replied. “This was the first time in a long time you felt me, wasn’t it?”

“I guess so. And yeah, I was pretty proud of what happened, too.”

“It did, of course, knock Shining Armor down several dozen pegs,” Reason said. “An action that had consequences.”

“Consequences or not, I’d say it was well worth it,” Pride said. “The look on his face when he saw you appear in front of him was fantastic!”

“So, do we have a memory for this one?” I asked.

“We have two,” Passion said. She shot forward and hugged me, kicking us into the first one.

It was Shining Armor and Cadance in a forest glade. I had a feeling that’s not where they actually were, but the stupid tree thing was acting up again. Shiny looked distraught and Cadance seemed surprised.

“What are you doing here so soon?” Cadance asked, which made Shiny flinch a little. “Nav just left for the games a couple of days ago! And why isn’t he with you?”

Her husband’s ears fell. “The games aren’t over.”

“Oh? Then what… Oh! Are you okay?”

“Physically, yes. Thankfully, we were all under a spell that meant we couldn’t really be harmed… Although your favorite human did his best to test the bounds of it.”

“Oh no… What did he do this time?”

Shiny sighed and shook his head. “I don’t even know where to start… Hay, I don’t even know the half of it myself yet! The last thing I saw before… He appeared out of nowhere, literally bucking nowhere, pouncing at me! I tried… He was on me so quickly there was nothing I could do…”

Cadance swooped in and hugged her useless butt slut. “Well, it’s over now and you’re okay.”

“I’m physically fine. But that… This will be a defeat like no other, Cadance. You don’t understand what just happened. I doubt Captain Midnight even understands half of what happened and she was there!”

Cadance pulled back, though she kept her hooves on him. “You aren’t making sense. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Shiny sagged and closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he took a deep breath and looked back up. “Navarone utterly annihilated my army. First, he almost completely wiped out our scouting patrol, so we got no information. Second, he targeted my officers in the night. Third, he led a group of disorganized troops who were chasing him into an ambush. Finally, he slipped through the shield again to target me. I don’t know what’s happening now, but I doubt it’s anything good…”

“That’s… interesting. I thought you said he knew nothing of war.”

“He said he knew nothing about war! He proves himself once more a liar!”

“Nav eats meat.” Shiny blinked. “Did you know that?”

“I did. What does that have to do with anything?”

“He’s a predator, honey. Luna says they’re naturally better at fighting and war than ponies.”

“I have trained in the art of war since I joined the academy! I don’t care how much natural talent he might have, there’s no way he could have just naturally beat me! He’s lying about his past.”

“Of that, I have no doubt. Twilight says his name isn’t really Navarone, but he still hasn’t told her the real one.”

“Pack your bags. Skyla isn’t staying under his roof for even one more night.”

“Oh? Are the assassins finally handled?”

“I can protect you just fine on my own.”

That made Cadance frown. “Don’t make me point out the obvious, honey.”

“What?”

“For one, you can’t just abandon your duties as the captain of the guard to foalsit me and Skyla all day. For two, how many different ways have ponies found around your shield?”

“None!”

“Oh? So Nav just happened to find his way into your base?” That made him grit his teeth. “And at the tournament, did you not have your shield up when he got to you?” His eyes narrowed. “Of course, Chrysalis found an alternate means through it, but her path went unhindered until Nav and I showed up to save the day.”

“...Do you seriously think you’re safer around that thing than you are around me?”

“Oh, absolutely not. He actually threatened to hit me less than a week after I got here, but in hindsight, I did kinda deserve it.”

“That’s it, I’m arresting him!”

He jumped up to storm out, but Cadance grabbed him with magic and floated him over to her loving grasp. “Nav is a liar, a rogue, and infuriating at times, but he’s not evil and he doesn’t deserve jail. I know this defeat was bitter, but you must take it as an opportunity to learn. Once you find out how he gets through your shield, you can find a way to plug the gap.”

“I know exactly how he does it. It’s that cursed magic ring of his. I don’t know why Celestia let him keep that evil thing!”

“Celestia did not. Luna did.”

“...Of course.” Shiny sighed and finally relaxed in his wife’s grasp. “Even knowing how intelligent he is, a part of me will always think of him as animalistic. There’s something feral about him.”

“Doesn’t it just pull you in?” Cadance asked. “He’s such a mystery!”

“A dangerous mystery.” Shiny finally pulled away. “It’s time to come back to Canterlot, Cadance. Abandon this fascination of yours. I know that’s why you really wanted to come here.”

“Nuh-uh! I wanted to be safe, remember?”

“...And I’m not supposed to be concerned at all that only a few months ago, you were throwing yourself at him?”

“With your permission. It has since been rescinded. Besides, his maid has his interests at the moment.” After a second, Cadance sighed. “She brags about it all the time…”

“Brags about what? Getting taken by that thing? As if that’s anything to be proud of.”

“Well well,” Cadance said with a small grin. “Perhaps you should give me something to brag about, then…”

“With pleasure,” Shiny growled.

“We’re going to take a two-minute cut,” Reason said. Just like that, we appeared in the living room of my house at the Everfree. Shiny was very angrily storming out, which made me assume he didn’t last very long at all. Either that or he couldn’t get it up at all.

Before he could get to the door, the other me opened it from outside. Time froze and the other me went black and white. No! What is he doing here?!

“I mean, I kinda lived here,” I said, crossing my arms.

Was killing me once not enough? Have you come to finish the job? Sweet Celestia, just look at those teeth…

Sure enough, the other me still looked like a night guard. I didn’t want to be around Luna long enough for her to remove the enchantment, so I just kept the look.

Wait, how is he here? I know my army is essentially headless, but surely the games couldn’t already be over! Surely… he was struck down after targeting me! At least my soldiers got vengeance against this monster!

“Wow, hurtful.”

With that last smug thought in his head, Shiny brushed right past the other me without a word and started walking toward town.

That ended the memory and put me back on the field of battle. Blossom was leading the ground army now, with me leading the air assault.

“Talk about a drama queen,” I said. “Shiny was such a baby.”

“Pride cometh before the fall,” Reason said. “Very wise words delivered to ears that were not capable of listening, at least not then. His mind was too full of rage and bitterness.”

“Defeat is a bitter pill to swallow,” Pride said. “Given that it was a complete and total defeat, it was even worse.”

“Generally speaking, defeat means there’s a lesson to be learned,” I said. “He chose not to learn the lesson and instead got all uppity and shit.”

“It would be difficult not to,” Passion said. “Internal politics in Canterlot can be troublesome. Are you prepared for the next memory?”

“Sure.” One of her wings reached over to boop me.

This time, I appeared with Celestia and Shining Armor. I don’t know where we were supposed to be, but we were currently in a vast field of blooming cherry blossom trees. The petals were very distracting and I kept hearing echoes of laughter and conversations all around us.

Thankfully, the main conversation drowned most of it out. “I hope you understand why I find these reports… troubling,” Celestia finally said. She sounded just disappointed enough to know she was only pretending.

“Of course I understand, Princess,” he said. “This was probably the most devastating defeat we’ve ever had.”

“Not probably, Captain. Definitely. So I have to ask myself… Why did this happen?” She paused a few seconds, either for effect or to see if he would speak up. When he didn’t, she sighed and continued, “But that’s when I remember that I keep others around to answer questions like that for me. So tell me, why did this happen?”

“Navarone.”

Celestia waited about ten seconds before tilting her head. “You say his name as though it’s an answer. Are you telling me that a single human is better than five hundred ponies in a war?”

“Of course not!”

“Then Navarone is not an answer! Why did this happen, Shining Armor? Why are the newspapers scorning my day soldiers? Why are ponies laughing at my army? Why do I have letters here from Chrysalis, Bloodbeak, and even Jim bucking Johnson mockingly offering my army training?!”

“When you tell a wolf to lead a pack of sheep, is it any surprise they all start acting like wolves?” Shiny bitterly asked. “The night guards are half-feral, same as the monster who leads them. Did you read my report about how he struck me down?”

“I did,” Celestia said. “And I have to say, I’m extremely impressed by his capabilities.”

“What?! He’s an animal!”

“He’s a wolf among sheep, Captain,” she said. “And you will watch your tone with me if you want to keep that title. You may be a prince now, but this defeat is all I need to kick you out of the army entirely. As if what happened with Chrysalis wasn’t enough. Perhaps it’s time to put a wolf back in charge, after all. Luna’s been pushing for it for a while now…”

“I would never stand for placing Navarone in charge of the guard,” Shiny very coldly replied. “Nor would any of my officers.”

“You don’t have to stand for it. None of you would, in fact.” She finally stood and leaned in very close to Shiny, who stood his ground. “You would all hang for it.” His eyes finally widened. “Do you believe that failure should be punished? Well, what greater failure is there than losing your entire army with only twenty kills to show for it? And worse, surrendering like cowards before a larger force. It is entirely within my right to replace you with Navarone and replace any officers who dissent with whoever he pleases.”

“The entire army would mutiny!”

“Then it’s a good thing we’ve proven that Navarone can defeat the entire army. You have twenty-four hours to have an answer to every single one of my questions, Captain. If you don’t, you better have a resignation letter instead. You are dismissed.”

We got back into the main memory right as the battle was ending and the night guards were cheering. “Man, what a bitch,” I said. “Somewhat justifiably, but still.”

“Failure should be punished,” Reason said. “If this wasn’t the wakeup call that Shining Armor needed to get his act together, then Celestia really would have been better off replacing him.”

“I can’t deny that. He didn’t seem all too effective. Powerful, but not the best leader. Still, hanging seems kinda extreme.”

“And losing your entire army isn’t?” Passion asked.

“Well, of course he lost his entire army,” I said. “He was going up against me.” Pride and I high-fived again, since he knows what I’m talkin’ about. “So what’s the takeaway from this?”

“Your princess was pleased with your work,” Passion said. “You did exactly as she asked by humiliating Shining Armor. But in doing so, you made his life difficult.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?” I asked.

“And in making life difficult for him, you made life difficult for Cadance.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? She’s the one who married an idiot.”

“You feel no loyalty to her?” Passion asked. “After all you’ve witnessed here, you feel no sympathy for her?”

“Of course I feel loyalty to her and of course I’m grateful that she defended me. But if you want me to feel bad for winning the war games, I don’t really know what to tell you. I’ve gotta side with Pride on this one: I did an excellent job. It isn’t my fault Shining Armor was a sore loser and let things deteriorate with his wife because of it. The passion I felt during the games is a good part of why I’m so proud of it. This was the first time in a long time I did something so well that not even my internal demons could find fault with it. I’m happy with the way things turned out, even if it affected Shiny negatively.”

“A reasonable response,” Reason said. “It isn’t fair to ask you to feel regret for another’s temperament.”

“How closely are you related to the forms you take?” I asked. “Are you defending Shiny so much because he’s your body’s husband?”

“I am merely asking questions,” Passion replied. “As is our role.”

“Eh. The extra context for the war games was neat, but I don’t see anything I need to take away from this. Maybe Shiny should try a coma of his own.”

“Shining Armor had the willpower to change without needing one,” my guide replied. “Are you prepared to move on?”

“Yes.”

When we appeared this time, it was in Celestia’s bedroom. Celestia and past me were on the bed. Luna and Twilight were standing over us, both wearing… interesting expressions.

“I wasn’t expecting him to choose that method to keep her asleep,” Luna said. Both of their horns were lit up, so I assumed they had a way to make sure we wouldn’t hear them.

“Seriously?” Twilight asked. “I assumed that would be his go-to choice. So, shall we?”

“We shall!” Luna’s horn lit up and I teleported onto the floor. She eased into the bed next to Celestia and Twilight used magic to put her to sleep. Twilight’s horn lit up again, making Celestia and Luna both light up. A moment later, Celestia’s eyes opened and she teleported Luna away.

“That went better than I was expecting,” Twilight said. “What should we do with Nav?”

“He’ll be suspicious if he wakes up back in Ponyville. Leave him here. I’ll send him on his way in the morning, with a suggestion to leave my beloved sister be for a month or two.”

“Excellent. I’m going to go check on Celestia and make sure she’s under the covers.”

“I must admit, this idea of yours is impressive. I doubt it will end as you expect, but I think my sister could use a few days off.”

“Would you mind sending me a few updates via Spike? I wanna see how long it takes her to really start freaking out!”

“Of course. Now, allow me to cuddle with my lovely human. It has been denied me for far too long.”

Twilight didn’t say anything as Luna floated me back into the bed, but when I was secured in her hooves, Twilight cleared her throat. “What… exactly… are your plans for Nav while he’s here?”

Luna stared at the purple mare for an uncomfortably long time before she quietly said, “Cuddling. And then when he awakens, he will be sent on his way.”

“And nothing else?”

“What exactly are you implying, Twilight Sparkle?” Luna very coldly asked.

“Nothing! I’ll uh… I’ll go check on your sister now!” Twilight’s horn lit up and she vanished.

Luna sighed and snuggled me closer. “I want nothing more, yet it wouldn’t be right… I’ve hurt you too much to take advantage of you yet again…” With that, her eyes closed and she fell silent.

“Well, that was slightly different,” I said. “I’ll admit, this prank was a bad idea from the beginning. I should have forced Twilight to tell me what she was planning and I should have stopped it before it happened.”

“All of that is true,” Reason said. “And yet not why we are here. Do you recall what else happened in this time?”

“Well, Twilight was being haunted by Aerie. I didn’t realize it until later, though. I assume she had been following me since she was freed at the museum, then stayed and started torturing Twilight after I got kicked out. And I guess, more importantly, I almost stood Luna up. That would have been a super dick move that was only averted because Flo either talked me out of it or forced my mind to change.”

“I would assume she used force,” Rage said. Haven’t heard that one in a while. “You had a perfect chance for revenge on a target who did so much to hurt you. And you let it go to waste.”

I finally turned to face them, since watching Luna stroke my body was getting weird. “I recognized that hurting Luna wouldn’t undo what was done to me and, while it might have made me feel better, it would only needlessly escalate tensions between me and the very powerful sisters. I still think the move I made was entirely justified, but I’m happy that Flo talked me out of it. I’d be considerably less happy if she forced me out of it.”

“If you think it was justified, why are you happy you didn’t do it?” Rage asked.

“Because pissing off the royal sisters isn’t wise. I didn’t think I would face any direct harm from it, but bad things happen to those who earn their ire. Also, I’m probably going to live for a very long time and having that stain on the record between me and Luna would have been awful. I could have asked for her forgiveness later on, but I would have always felt guilty.”

“...You would feel guilty, even though it was justified?” Rage asked. “Truly, you have forgotten me!”

“I don’t generally like hurting people. It may feel good in the moment, but the more I look back on the people I’ve hurt, the less and less I like doing it. The naga clan was just looking for a place to stay. Maybe I could have talked them into moving in as new residents, to revitalize the old clan-home. Calix didn’t deserve anything nice, but murder? I could have just sent him home to let Celestia deal with him. It may have been Luna’s order, but I didn’t have to humiliate Shining Armor by tearing out his throat. My actions do affect people, both positively and negatively. At the time, I wanted to hurt Luna. I wanted her to pay for what she did to me. But if I had to go back through this memory and see her suffering because of my actions, it would have hurt me more than a sword ever could.”

“I feel like that’s a better takeaway than the one we had prepared,” Reason said.

“Though it leaves me little use or purpose,” Rage sighed.

“Poorly directed rage is worse than no action at all,” I said. “It’s taken me a very long time to realize that. There is nothing wrong with getting angry and using that anger properly. I just need to start figuring out who my real enemies are, so I don’t have to worry about hating myself for my choices.”

“At the time, Luna was your real enemy,” Reason said.

“No she wasn’t. Celestia held Luna’s leash the entire time and allowed everything to happen. Luna was just a lost little child, made to take the blame for disaster after disaster. Luna did make the choices that led to me suffering, but she never would have done it if not for Celestia.”

“That would be akin to attributing all of your good deeds to Discord,” Rage said. “You just feel guilty about hurting Luna because she’s loyal to you now!”

“That… is partially true. How about this: We blame Luna for the specific deeds that she did to me, but blame Celestia for making Luna like that?”

“That’s fair,” Reason said. “But it still involves blaming Luna. Would you feel similarly bad about hurting Celestia?”

“No, because it ended up in a me-or-her type scenario. If you tack on another hundred or so years to my life, I may look back on this and wonder why I ever felt bad about hurting anybody at all. But right now, I know that if I had gone through with standing Luna up, I would have felt really shitty about it.”

“I guess we can ask for nothing more,” my guide said. “Are you prepared to move on?”

“Yea boi!” Her eyes flashed up and we carried on.

The next place we appeared was the mall at the Googolplex. Jessica was showing us around and everyone was staring. I remember how awkward and alienating it was to be stared at by other humans. It hurt me more than the racism from the ponies ever could.

“I thought you said we couldn’t experience memories back then,” I said.

“You can’t go through memories you never actually face,” my guide said. “Any memories that happened before Discord created you are memories of the original, not your own. That said, we have no memories directly associated with any of the humans.”

“That isn’t to say we don’t have memories,” Fear said. “Your companions had a few interesting encounters.”

“None quite as delightful as yours,” Pain purred.

“And by that she means painful and traumatic,” Reason pointlessly explained.

No one else spoke up, so I turned around and saw just the three of them. “Once we get the memories out of the way, I want to ask a question,” I said. “So let’s go ahead and get started, I guess.”

“As you wish,” Fear said. With that, she reached up and poked me.

I showed up to a staring match between a very pissed off Rainbow Dash and a fairly bored-looking Doctor Me. Instead of sitting in an interrogation room, they were at a picnic table under a large oak tree.

“If you want me to talk, you’re gonna have to force me!” Dashie growled.

“For the… I don’t know, fifth or so time, we’re not going to torture you,” Anonymous said.

“Then why’d you foalnap us?!”

“...Kidnap?”

“Yeah, and kidnap Nav!”

“We wanted… Navarone. You are just interesting oddities. Although I must say, your memories are all… fascinating.”

“What? I haven’t told you anything!”

“I know. You didn’t have to. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. We’re not going to torture you… because we already know everything you know. We used nanites to extract the memories and have techs going over them now. Your flight abilities are quite intriguing, but Navarone seems to believe you can’t fly here.”

“Wha… Why’s he telling you anything?!”

“Navarone came back in time to meet a few people that he knew, and he knows me better than most. I wasn’t one he intended to meet, but God laughs when men make plans.”

“Who’s God? Is that who Nav was here to see?”

“Oh no, it seems God forsook that poor young man long ago. He came back to see his parents and his sister. I’m afraid it’s too late for his parents; he missed his mark and they’ve both passed. I’m going to see if I can arrange a meeting with his sister, though.”

“...Why help us?” Dash slowly asked.

“Interesting things do not happen very often in this bunker. Let alone something as interesting as four visitors from the far-flung future. Why wouldn’t I help you?”

“The same reason you foalnapped us and kidnapped Navarone!”

“Do all ponies really talk like that? No wonder he seemed relieved to finally be among kin.”

“...What do you mean?”

“It’s demeaning. What, are you saying he isn’t included?”

That made Dash snort. “You sound just like Nav.”

The uglier version of me grinned. “We’re closer than you think. What has Nav told you about his past?”

“Not much. He refuses to talk about it. He’ll aggressively rub the belly of anypony who keeps pushing it.”

“That statement raises a lot of questions, but they can wait. I didn’t kidnap all of you for any nefarious purposes. I did so to gain information. Luckily, Nav is a lot more cooperative than you ponies.”

“He may trust you, but I don’t. I’m glad Rarity doesn’t, either! Why would you even care? I thought you already had what you wanted!”

“I got the information I wanted, but the nanites we have don’t convey things properly. Nothing like the ones Nav discovered in the future, at least.”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, nothing. The point is, I’d like to ask you a few questions to fill in some gaps.”

“I’m not gonna tell you a thing!”

“Good. I wanted to test the newer batch.” One of his eyes went black and what looked like lines of code appeared on it. A few seconds later, Dash twitched a few times before grinning. “There we are. What is your name?”

“Rainbow Dash, fastest pegasus in all Equestria!”

“Nice to meet you. I am Doctor Anonymous. When you first met Navarone, what did you think?”

“I thought he was a threat and that keeping him in Ponyville was a huge mistake.”

“Oh ho. And did you ever change your mind?”

“Yep! Pretty quickly, too. He ended up proving to be really useful around Ponyville. Even better, Twilight ended up falling for him!”

“He never mentioned that, so I assume it didn’t go well.”

“She chickened out and never told him. Instead, Princess Luna got her evil hooves on him.”

“Yes, he had quite a lot to say about her. Tell me about her sister, Celestia.”

“She’s the best princess ever! She controlled both the sun and the moon for a thousand years while her evil sister was banished to the moon. Luna got back recently and supposedly the evil was removed, but I don’t buy it. Not after all that happened with Nav…”

“So Celestia controls the sun and moon, hm? How?”

“Magic. It’s her special talent.”

“Have you ever seen her do it?”

“Yeah! Normally she does it privately, but she’ll occasionally do it at a few festivals. I’ve been to a couple of them. Seeing her in action is amazing!”

“Oh, I’m sure. What does Celestia ask for in return for the gift of controlling the sun and moon?”

“Nothing! She’s too benevolent to ever abuse her abilities like that.”

“And yet, she’s your princess.”

“She’s the best princess ever!”

“How did she become the princess?”

“Oh, she’s been the princess of the ponies forever! I’m not really a fan of history, though. Too much boring reading. I never really thought about it. Huh. How did she become princess?”

“Truly a mystery,” Anonymous sarcastically replied. “How does she feel about Nav?”

“Oh, the princess really likes him! He’s done a lot of work for her. He uh… doesn’t like talking about it, though.”

“I wonder why…”

“W-well… Equestria is a big place. Sometimes… I guess sometimes Celestia needs somepony to do… certain things.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“Um. I don’t know if I should talk—” Anon’s eye went black again and Dash relaxed. “Celestia sent Nav to Egypt to fight a proxy regime change war,” she almost robotically said. “Nav used a group of runaway slaves to trigger a civil war that led to a king who was more amenable to her.”

“I think that was just a little too much influence,” he said. “But it’s good to know these things work on other sapient races, too. You’re probably incapable of caring at the moment, but your mind should return to… mostly normal in about fifteen or so minutes. You’ll no longer be as combative about your presence here, because I really don’t want to hear it every few minutes, but you’ll still be yourself.”

At this point, Dash was drooling on herself and not really paying that much attention.

After a second, Anon giggled and said, “Well, until I decide to make you someone else again. It’s a shame Nav is protected by his. I wouldn’t mind sending him back with a more… singular purpose. But alas… Off you go, Miss Rainbow Dash. We’ll have more talks again later.” She slowly got to her hooves and plodded away, ending the memory.

“Well, I guess that answers the question I had,” I said. “Flo, I have a task for you. Send your sisters to find Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fancy Pants. Tell them that their minds may have been compromised while they were in the human bunker and offer to check for them. If Anon did any meddling, I want to know about it.”

“She is working on it now,” the guide said. “So what question did this answer?”

“I wanted to know if I could trust the humans, if bringing them forward in time would be wise.”

“Those are two different questions,” Reason said. “You can trust the humans to be humans, with all the good and ill that entails. Just as you can trust the ponies to be half-fae, half-animal.”

“Do you think that the humans would try to take everything over if I brought them forward?”

“We only have the information you have,” my guide said.

“That’s complete bullshit. You’ve been showing me memory after memory I have no way of accessing outside of this spell. Not only that, but you have a different kind of insight and thinking that lets you come to conclusions I never could. From everything I’ve seen, questions like this are the point of this coma.”

“What do you think?” Reason asked.

“I think it was unfair that the humans went extinct. I like the idea of bringing them forward in time. I just don’t think I trust Anon not to try pulling some shit.”

“Then why not pick an alternate option?” my guide asked. “You want to save humans, but you don’t trust the other you. So why not save other humans? You have the power of time travel at your fingers, not to mention all the time in the world to pick the perfect time. So pick a different group of humans from any point in time that won’t try to do anything dumb and bring them forward instead.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about! That’s a good idea that I had never considered. Fuck those megacorps Google douchebags. I can go rescue some Chinese peasants from the Mongols or something and call it a day.”

“That option does mean you lose out on any possible technology from them,” Reason said.

“Flo has the memories from the laptop in her head. That has the plans for everything we need and I have all the time in the world. It’s an idea I’ll toy with in my mind for a while. So what’s the takeaway from this memory?”

“That you can’t trust Anonymous,” Fear said.

“Ah. Do we have any other memories?”

“We do!” Pain said. She jumped forward to glomp me.

This time, we actually appeared in one of the bedrooms in the bunker. It was Rainbow Dash, Fancy Pants, and Rarity, though Rarity was paying more attention to the anime she was watching than to the conversation.

“I’m worried about Nav,” Dash finally said. “Being locked up like this by his other humans is doing something to his head.”

“If Nav is well enough to be mean to me, he’s still doing pretty well,” Rarity idly replied. “And I’d say locking me in here with that… smut was fairly mean.”

“You mean the smut you rubbed yourself off to?” Dash huffed. “Everypony knows, Rarity! Stop hiding from yourself and just admit it!”

“I refuse to dignify that with a response.”

“You were talking about Nav?” Pants said. “I… have noticed that he doesn’t quite seem himself.”

“He’s not himself!” Dash said. “That’s part of the problem!”

That finally got Rarity’s attention, somehow. She paused her weird cartoons and turned around. “I can say many things about Nav, quite a few of them negative. One of which, that he would likely call a positive, is that he has very much so always been himself. Not only has he always been himself, but he’s also always seemed quite certain about it.”

“Not anymore,” Dash sighed. “Not after what he found out. Apparently he isn’t the original… Nav, I guess. That creepy Doctor Anonymous is the real one! Nav’s just… I dunno, some kind of magical clone that Twilight created!”

“That’s legitimately ridiculous,” Rarity said. “I didn’t get much of a chance to study Anonymous, but from what I saw, he’s nothing like Nav!”

“It’s also been forty or more years,” Fancy Pants said. “I am no longer the pony I once was, I can assure you. If it’s true, Nav was created at one of his race’s most formative moments. The things he has been through have turned him into something radically different than anything a life here could have ever produced.”

“That… is true,” Rarity said. “How did you come by this information, Rainbow?”

“Nav spoke with Anonymous and apparently they had a way of telling. I guess… I mean, if I met myself from ten years ago, I could easily confirm it. There are so many things that only I know, that I’ve never told anypony. In Nav’s case, if there was something he never told anypony and he completely disappeared from the past before he ever could, and then he meets this guy who happens to know those secrets, then it’s obvious.”

“So why is Nav upset?” Rarity slowly asked.

“Are you seriously asking that question?” Dash asked. “Look at this bucking place! Anon’s in charge of all of it! And I bet he never had to go risk his life against his will to help an ungrateful group of sadistic rapist cats fight their way across the desert! Or go back to the same group of cats as a diplomat and have to act all buddy-buddy with them!”

“Nav hasn’t been telling me the right stories,” Pants said. “And I have very clearly missed out. However, I can safely say that Doctor Anonymous was never forced to travel through an evil, cursed forest at the behest of the insane princess who enslaved him. He also wasn’t forced to escort the most hated tyrant of all time at the most prestigious event in Canterlot.”

“...I suppose we all have our stories about Nav,” Rarity said. “And I suppose you are correct. He has not had an easy life. But from what Nav has told me, his life here in the past wasn’t the greatest either. Neglected by his parents, almost killed by a friend, basically invisible and tiny… The grass is always green, no matter where, who, or when you’re talking about. If Nav is bemoaning his fate because another version of him has it different, then perhaps we should strive to point out the good in his life.”

“Forgive me, this is all so surreal,” Pants said. “How could Nav have been created? What are the chances that he’d meet himself? How are we talking about any of this like it’s normal?”

The intercom suddenly clicked on, surprising everyone. “You’d be surprised what you can start to call normal,” Ryan’s voice said. “I never thought I’d consider a talking pony normal, yet here I am watching three of them have a conversation.”

“I’m almost at the end of this season,” Rarity said. “Do you have another recommendation?”

“Don’t fraternize with the enemy!” Dash shouted. “You’re falling for their propaganda!”

“That’s a fair point, actually,” Ryan said. “Nobody expected Japan to pull what they did. They seemed helpless and quirky for so long, then—”

“Get outta here!” Dash shouted, throwing a pillow at the ceiling. “Nopony asked you anything!”

“Yes I did,” Rarity said.

Before she could continue, Dash shoved a hoof in her mouth. “We’re talking about how to help Nav!”

The intercom clicked one more time, just so the guy could say, “Inuyasha.”

I don’t know what that meant, thankfully, and they all ignored it. Rarity removed Dash’s hoof with disdain. “So how exactly are we supposed to help the one who goes the furthest out of his way to avoid being helped?” Rarity asked.

“I dunno,” Dash said with a shrug. “That’s why I’m wasting time with you squares instead of helping him!”

“You’d be surprised what can be accomplished with trickery and deceit,” Pants said. “Nav may be wily in some ways, but he’s young and not too difficult to manipulate. What usually cheers him up?”

“Violence,” Rarity said. “Especially against fashion.”

“And sex,” Dash said with a nod. “Although I don’t know if either of those really cheer him up. They just make him less sad.”

“So we either need to manipulate him into fighting or manipulate him into getting laid.”

“I don’t think we’d need to do much manipulation for either,” Rarity said. “They both seem to come naturally for him. I’m fairly positive he’s already slept with at least one human, judging by some of the questionable fluids I found in the hall.”

“And he’s also already been in a fight,” Dash said. “Which was really scary, since someone had what Nav called a gun. He said it could have killed either of us instantly!”

“If you are calling it scary, it must have been terrifying,” Rarity said.

“Hey, I can’t fly and we’re completely surrounded by humans all around us. I told Nav we should try to escape and he told me we wouldn’t even make it to the end of the corridor. He knows what they can do!”

“Which is why I am quite content to sit here and consume my propaganda instead of trying to go and get killed,” Rarity said. “But if Nav is suffering, it is our duty to help him. He apparently dislikes anime, but he did seem to like movies. Perhaps we should try to watch more with him.”

“Nav came back in time to be with humans,” Pants said. “Perhaps giving him a chance to do so without us would be wise. Ever since he got here, we’ve been holding him back. I know he’s bitter that we’re here at all. Nav is hurting, but in this particular case, I believe it’s best to let him know that we are here as friends to talk if he needs us. Aside from that, let him spend as much time as he can among his own without having to worry about us. We’ll have all the time in the world to talk with him when he’s back in Equestria.”

“...Are you just saying that because you want to watch this garbage too?” Dash slowly asked.

“No, I’d also like to spend some time among the humans. It is likely a once in a lifetime opportunity, one that I would advise you both take advantage of. From my understanding, we are free to do as we please here as long as we obey all of the surprisingly common-sense laws. They don’t precisely mimic Equestria’s, but all the basics are covered: No fighting, no stealing, no unnecessarily loud noises. Things like that.”

“...I think I’ll stick with Nav for a bit,” Dash said. “Walk him around the city a little. I don’t know if letting him be alone after what happened is safe…”

“Sounds fun to me,” Rarity said. “I’ve actually been wanting to head back into the city, too!”

“Uh. Are you really sure Nav would… I dunno…”

“Would what?” Rarity testily asked.

“I mean, you’re kinda… I dunno… lame. Isn’t Nav too cool for that?”

“Oh ho, now I see how it is,” Rarity said, leaning back. “Little Miss Dashie really does have a crush on Navi! She wants to go on another date!”

“You have problems,” Dash said, finally hopping out of the bed. “I’m going to go see if he’s back.” Thankfully, that ended the memory.

“Dash actually may have had a crush on me, but I seriously doubt it,” I said. “She seemed to be content as a lesbian, minus that one time.”

“And that one dream,” Reason said. “Not that her possible denial matters at the moment. What do you think of this memory, Nav?”

“Dash isn’t very good at being a friend, but her heart’s in the right place. Rarity’s a terrible friend and the jury’s still out on whether or not her heart’s in the right place. Pants is okay I guess. All things told, I wish I had better friends. But since I’m such a terrible one myself, I guess it’s only fair.”

“Are you truly a terrible friend in comparison?” Fear asked. “Or do you still fear the thought that others find you reliable?”

“I mean, I usually try to be a good friend. I’m just really not very good at it.”

“I think Spike would disagree,” my guide said. “And Blossom. And Rainbow Dash. And Pinkie Pie. And Cadance. And Shining Armor. And—”

“You can just say etc,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “So maybe I’m a little ahead of the curve on friendship. I guess that’s one of the upsides of watching cartoons all the time: They always have that wonderful moral at the end.”

“If you had played Celestia’s game like a proper little peon, you likely could have risen just as high,” Pain said. “You could have helped Twilight be the best at friendship!”

“Fuck that shit. Celestia needed to get got. Anyway, let’s turn back to that last memory. Do we have any kind of takeaway from it?”

“Despite your misgivings, even Rarity’s heart was in the right place,” Reason said. “Your friends have always wanted what’s best for you. Each one just has a different idea of what’s best and how to go about getting there.”

“Rarity’s idea of what’s best for me is rarely something I agree with. It usually involves far more dresses than I’d like.”

“And of course, you’re difficult to do things for,” Fear said. “You rarely express gratitude, most attempts to make you happy fall flat, parties only piss you off, and most of your time around friends is spent looking for ways to cut it short. It’s no surprise they’ve taken to conspiring together in secret. It’s a wonder they haven’t given up at all.”

“Gotta love that guilt,” I said. “It kept them around long enough for me to get them addicted to my hands.”

“...Guilt?” Pain slowly said. “Why would they feel guilt?”

“What, are you kidding me? It was obvious. Twilight felt guilty as fuck shortly after realizing I was sapient and had no way of getting home. It only got worse and worse as time went on and I couldn’t adjust. Since it looked like I was giving it an honest try, some of the others started feeling bad that most of the ponies wouldn’t even give me a chance. It worked out pretty well for me, all things told.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t pity they felt?” Fear asked.

“No. Do we have any other memories?”

“We do,” Reason said. She reached over and poked my belly.

We appeared deep in a jungle, this time with only Dashie and Rarity. My favorite lesbian looked pretty pissed off, while Rarity seemed relatively surprised.

“Nav asked us to do one thing, Rarity!” Dash yelled. “He told us not to tell anypony! And yet the first thing you did was tell everypony!” That would mean it was after we got back, so they were probably actually in Rarity’s boutique.

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked. “I haven’t told a soul what happened!”

“You spread that human garbage all over Canterlot!”

“Right. I told them I got it from Nav.”

Dash actually just stared at her for a few seconds, either too angry or too busy formulating a response to how absolutely retarded that was. “And… do you really expect them to believe he had them… I dunno, just lying around? Where the buck will they think he got them?!”

“My assumption is probably not several million years in the past from a group of humans living in an underground bunker waiting for the end of the world.”

“So what are you gonna assume?! Because if I was given any of those, my first assumption would be that he got them from home!”

“I think that’s a very biased assumption. Personally, I’d assume he drew them!”

That made Dash blink a few times. Finally, her head tilted. “You would assume Navarone drew them?”

“It would hardly be the first bit of human culture he showed off. You know he’s been writing books for months, right?”

“HE SAID HE HATES IT!”

“He told us that he hated it. He didn’t tell anypony else, did he?”

“...So you’re telling everypony that this is Nav’s attempt to share more human culture.”

“Yes! If anything, I assumed you would be happy! Don’t you want Nav to feel more at home?”

“NOT AMONG THINGS HE HATES!”

“Well that’s just being picky,” Rarity said, reaching over to boop Dashie’s nose. “When spreading culture, one must consider the audience. Despite what Nav may think, ponies prefer something a little… more than just books. The manga and visual novels are perfect! Besides, you know Nav is on the up, even if he refuses to admit it. I give it another year, maybe two, before he’s a noble. Having a lot of ponies in Canterlot who appreciate his culture will be a boon!”

“Not when he tells everypony he hates it and how it was only for the losers and nerds!”

It was Rarity’s turn to blink, this time. “Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s Nav! That’s what Nav does! He doesn’t give a buck what those ponies think and I already know he’s pissed about it because I tried to get him to join me in yelling at you!”

“Obviously he wasn’t upset enough to put effort into it.”

“No, he just realized what I should have from the beginning: That it’s a waste of breath. You can hide it behind whatever reasoning you want, but you did this for you, not for Nav. And if you thought you were doing it for Nav, you obviously don’t know him as well as you should.” With one last snort, she stomped away, ending the memory.

“Dash is a good one,” I said with a nod. “I think I know just how to reward her.”

“She wouldn’t approve of using your position to get her into the Wonderbolts,” Reason said.

“I wouldn’t use my position for that. I’d use my position to see if there’s anything they could do to let her try out, given the extenuating circumstances for being on a deployment for the princess during the normal recruitment phase. I’m relatively confident Spitfire would be reasonable about it.”

“It’s surprising she would go after a friend like this,” Fear said. “Especially for the sake of one who is apparently so terrible.”

“Whether or not I’m terrible has little to do with whether or not something is right,” I said. “And what Rarity did wasn’t right.”

“Do you not believe her explanation?” Pain asked.

“Even if I do believe her explanation, it’s still an incredibly shitty thing to do. Why would she try to expand a part of my culture I hated after I specifically told all of them to never tell anyone anything we saw or encountered? Because spoiler alert: Manga is something we saw and encountered. I don’t care how noble her intentions might have been, she did something that was so fucktarded and obviously short-sighted that even Taya would have known better.”

“Are you sure you aren’t just mad about the weaboo griffin?” my guide asked.

“So what if I am? That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to be mad about! But trust me, I’m mad about a lot more. It seems to me that every nice thing Rarity does tends to have a glimmer of selfishness hidden in it.”

“That’s a very… crude opinion,” Fear said.

“And not entirely correct,” Reason said. “It has hints of truth, though. Rarity has a good heart. I just question her head.”

“Whatever. What’s the takeaway here?”

“As you said, what is right has little to do with who someone is,” Reason said. “Dash has known Rarity for a very long time. They are fated to be friends. Yet in this, and so many other things, Dash chooses to side with you. That is valuable.”

“It is, and I’m grateful to have her. With luck, I’ll continue staying in the right so I can keep her. Her moral compass is invaluable.”

“We have no more memories about this,” my guide said. “Are you prepared to move on?”

“I did promise to come and get Doctor Anon and his peeps eventually. How well established do you think my first human colony should be before getting them?”

“Probably two hundred thousand from different times and locations for ideal genetic diversity,” Reason said. “With that powerbase at your back, any plans the good doctor might have in mind would be kept well in check.”

“...A city that size might dwarf most the ponies have. If I plan things correctly, I could easily sit on top of the largest, most industrialized city on the planet.”

“Then I recommend you begin planning soon,” my guide said. “Are you prepared to continue?”

“Yes.”

She placed a hand on my shoulder and her eyes flashed.

I ended up at the Gala. The other me was standing with King Bloodbeak and Princess Gilda out on a balcony.

“This is when Blueblood stabbed me,” I said.

“It is,” my guide said.

“Fun stuff. Do we have any memories associated with this one?”

“Yes.” I finally looked around for any of the emotions, but I didn’t see any. “You will have to find them.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Your actions in this party had many consequences all over the place. Having to explore to find them only seems fair, does it not?”

“I disagree, but I guess there isn’t much of a choice. So how does this work?” I asked.

“The party will pause at intervals. You will find various ponies in color. Find and approach them to gain insight. Once you have found one, the party will continue around the ponies in color. You can either follow them to see what they did or wait until the party freezes to find another target.”

“Cool, I guess. I’m not sure I actually want to see myself getting stabbed, but it’ll be fun to watch Taya smoke that clown. So let’s get started.”

Everything around me went gray except for the princess. Navarone isn’t what I expected. My father said the humans had strange customs and interesting cultures, but he seemed to think they were warriors. This is no brute before me, no mindless fighter or uncultured barbarian. His ties to Equestria and the princesses are concerning, yet I feel he has no true loyalty to them.

“Aww, she actually didn’t hate me from the start!”

It’s interesting that he’s given me so many choices. Most male griffins would have taken the lead by now, trying to force me into things they think I’d enjoy. The fact that Nav asked what I wanted, and if I was even interested in a date, feels surprisingly good. And to so freely offer such knowledge… A part of me suspects a trap, but he seems completely sincere. Either he can lie like a caribou or he’s the most valuable ally I’ve ever found. I guess time will tell.

“I guess she has decent sense motive checks. I’ve always done my best to be honest with her.” Something actually occurred to me, then. “Wait, this was before I told her about my idea.”

“There are many here to whom you are close,” my guide said. “You would not be able to find them all every time the party pauses. You will hear the thoughts each has about the night as a whole, in about the progression in which they have them.”

Despite being unwed, he seems to have no interest in marriage. Should this scheme of his pan out well, I will have to push him on why. Marrying outside of my species would be the perfect way to explain not having children. Given his reputation, he would likely sleep around and not expect much… intercourse from me.

“I take offense to that. I guess it’s a reasonable consequence for my actions, though, so I can’t complain too much.”

He certainly has no shortage of powerful friends. Fancy Pants and his awful wife, the princesses, the dragon, my father… I’m beginning to see why. Something about him just draws you in. It will be interesting to see how he lives in his day to day life, I suppose. Spending a few weeks away from the palace will be good, too. Nav seems to have a centering, head-clearing effect. If the information he promised is legitimate, he’ll be a very useful friend indeed.

“Man, she was already feeling the pull. That’s awful.”

And so my newfound ally was almost murdered in front of me while I found myself unable to even make a sound. It is no place for a princess to risk her life for anyone, yet I could have tried to pull him away or yell a warning or… anything other than stand and watch… His daughter’s scream will haunt my dreams, I know that. And my eyes are still sore from the pure lightning she shot him with… Hm. Perhaps my time spent in Nav’s home can be spent aiding his recovery as well. That might make up for doing nothing…

“And then she proceeded to be annoying as hell for the next several weeks,” I said. “But I guess the company was nice.”

The princess lost her color and the king gained his. It’s disappointing that Nav wasn’t more interested, but I’m honestly not surprised. The princesses have him so paranoid he wouldn’t know a kind offer from a possible knife in the back. I have a feeling he would be a good match for my daughter. Maybe settling down would help her focus on her duties. And maybe settling down outside of Equestria will help put his mind at ease.

“Despite everything, I’m surprised that he was sincere,” I said. “I expected at least a part of him was hoping to get me on his side.”

That talk with Luna was… enlightening. And disturbing. I feel like Celestia made a mistake, allowing that monster to take any power this early. And if she keeps her access to Nav’s abilities and knowledge, I fear for all the world, not just my griffins. If they ever convince him that their goals supersede all others, their combined abilities might be the deaths of us all.

“There was a time I thought it would end with that,” I said. “When they made me immortal, I knew there was a reason. They were turning me into a better tool.”

This pony food is surprisingly good. I can’t help but wonder what Celestia did this year. She certainly didn’t bother to bring out any meat, despite now having three predator races as visitors. I’m also curious where the great white mare herself is. Normally she’ll make a point to at least pretend to be polite to me, but I haven’t seen hide nor tail of her this year. Maybe I’ll actually have fun at this party for once.

“Celestia was a little preoccupied with Fleur,” I said. “Another thing I regret, but it seemed like a fun move at the time.”

Reginald is a very interesting dragon. I’ve heard the legends about the night riding on wings of fire, but never understood what they meant. I can’t say I’m surprised Luna’s reason for sending Nav into the forest was to find her old weapon. I’d certainly like to have a few dragons of my own on my side. Nav seems to have a surprising amount of contacts and I’ve heard reports he’s slept with dragons before. Perhaps he could assist.

“Wait, is that actually why Luna sent me in?” I asked. “She never really explained why, other than wanting it explored.”

And so my dear friend Navarone pays the price for Celestia’s lax security. At least he’s still alive, even if only barely. I certainly can’t say the same for Blueblood. I knew he was cruel, but I never expected him to fall so far. My poor Gilda seemed traumatized by the affair, even offering to help him recover. It’s hardly the place of a princess, but… maybe something will come of it. It’s quite easy to fall for your caretaker, after all…

“Alas, it wasn’t to be,” I said. “I honestly don’t think Gilda’s the best choice.”

“You think?” my guide sarcastically replied.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “She’s a little on the young and immature side. Which is a shame, because she’s really fun to have sex with. But then, so are my other paramours.”

With that, the party came back alive. Everybody regained their colors and started talking. At the moment, Bloodbeak was introducing me to Gilda. I didn’t really want to stick around for the whole thing, but I knew Luna appeared right before Gilda and I left. I kinda wanted to hear how her night had been, along with the conversation she apparently had with the king.

So I sat through my introduction and realized quickly that I had been kinda rude. It was a little late to correct that mistake, so I just shrugged and continued waiting.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long for Luna to appear from the shadows like the creep she is. This was after I was completely done with her, so it didn’t take long for the other me to leave with Gilda. Luna watched us depart with barely repressed rage in her eyes.

“I heard about your victory in the yearly war games,” Bloodbeak said. “I’m quite impressed, Princess Luna.”

Her eyes turned back to the king, all signs of rage gone. “A leader is only as powerful as the ones she leads. Be impressed with Navarone and Captain Midnight Blossom. They seized victory from Shining Armor with ease.”

“You speak as though it was a foregone conclusion,” Bloodbeak said, lifting an eyebrow. “Do you doubt Shining Armor’s capabilities?”

“Shining Armor is powerful in magic. Navarone can block all magic. With his only strength neutralized, Shining Armor is worthless.”

“Then it seems that Nav is a powerful asset. He’s certainly quite effective when used to illegally imprison griffin nobles.”

“He’s quite effective when used anywhere,” Luna said. “I had plans for him tonight. Plans that didn’t involve wasting his time on a griffin.”

“Time spent on the heart is not time wasted,” Bloodbeak said. “Perhaps you should spend the party working on your own. It is a party, after all. Didn’t you have a fantastic date a few years ago?”

“He tore my heart asunder and is now dating others openly. My heart has become a barren wasteland. No amount of work will make anything grow.” Some of the griffin soldiers shared looks, but the king didn’t seem overly impressed. “How fares Hestra, now that he has been legally imprisoned?”

“He’s angry. But I gave him a cell right next to my cousin, so at least he has someone to talk to. There are many who are upset that Nav escaped punishment.”

“Trust me, he always finds a way.”

“There were considerably more who were upset you escaped punishment.”

“Hestra sent an assassin to attack a princess of Equestria. I wasn’t going to allow anything to stop him from coming to justice. Given that this princess is one of Navarone’s close friends, he felt the same. If you expect either of us to apologize for it, you are mistaken.”

“I had a feeling Celestia wasn’t the one who gave the order. You took Hestra without asking, didn’t you?”

“We sent Navarone as a spy to determine guilt. Once we had the evidence we needed, I saw no need to bother my sister with the matter and just took him myself. Apparently things have changed in my absence and that was a violation of protocol.”

“And national sovereignty,” the king said. “And a treaty or two. I had several advisors demanding war.”

“I assume you fired them. My sister’s advisors know better than to demand. Their role is to advise.”

“Griffin ways are different. Thankfully, a quick discussion with Celestia revealed that war wouldn’t be necessary.”

“She’s quite inventive, isn’t she? Promising my knight’s hoof in marriage was quite the overstep, though. He should be mine… to do with as I please and marry off as I please.”

That made me snort. “Nice save, psychopath.”

“Actions have consequences, Princess. It seems you lost access to him through fault of your own.”

The look on Luna’s face made sticking around worth it. The king probably had no idea what kind of can of worms he was opening, but the pure rage that instantly came to her face actually made his eyes widen. “That griffin may have his eye for now, but he will find his way back to his princess soon, one way or another.” With that, her wings flared and everything but her went gray.

I cannot believe that harlot came to this party with another date! He’s lucky I don’t have him flayed alive! Or perhaps I should start with that little upstart griffin hussy. Hm. Yes, I’ll make him watch. Perhaps that will help show the depth of my love!

“Wow.”

And so the list of those who need to die continues growing and growing. I believe I can think of a few easy potions that’ll put Bloodbeak down and make it look natural. And I know just who to contact to have his little brat taken care of. Let’s have one of Nav’s old paramours murder his new, shall we? With luck, her oldest brother will better know his place. Or perhaps it would be better if he didn’t. I bet another conquest would cheer me up, and give me a chance to get closer to the world’s best knight!

“Wow.”

“That confirms who sent Kat after Princess Gilda,” my guide said.

As always, Reginald tries his hardest to be a calming figure. It’s strange. One would think the dragon would be more hot-headed than the pony, yet it seems his words seek to calm me more than rile me. In this, though… In this, his words inadvertently strike a blow. Hm. I still can’t believe Nav just happened upon him. I didn’t even know he was in the forest! Maybe I should arrange a hunting trip for the three of us. Reginald can help convince Nav that everything was just a huge misunderstanding!

“Would she notice if I tried strangling her?” I asked.

“You would be unable,” my guide replied, patting me on the shoulder.

Where is my blasted sister? Having to listen to this mare blather on about love and heartbreak is driving me crazy. And what’s wrong with her husband? He’s just… staring and giggling. I don’t understand why Celestia let these two play at royalty. Cadance and Shining Armor are both worthless. I don’t know how Nav can stand to live with her. Ugh, I should just go find him and order him to dance with me. That will cheer me up!

“I really don’t want to follow Luna around all night, but I want to see Reginald, Cadance, and Shiny. Do I really have to keep hearing her crazy bullshit?”

Shining Armor has failed for the last time. He has allowed my beloved to be attacked in what should have been the most secure place in Canterlot. Celestia may not allow me to take away his titles or his power, but from this day forward, my vampire protege will be in complete control of the guard. Navarone will be safe. She will see to it or she will find herself staked. And while she sees to things, I can visit Nav all I want while he recovers! With luck, I can convince Celestia to bring him to my wing in the palace so I can make sure he’s taken care of properly.

“Well, I’m happy about her effectively relieving Shiny of his duties and putting Blossom in charge. Not so happy about the rest, though.”

Everything came back to life and Luna shot straight into the air. From the sound of the memories, she was going to Reginald while Bloodbeak was going to get food. Finding my second favorite dragon was more important than watching an old man get high, so I took off after Luna. Thankfully, my shitty wings actually worked in the memory-realm and I was able to follow with no problem.

She actually stopped about fifty meters away, hovering in the darkness. Gilda and I were just now walking away and she was taking a moment to glare at us, as if personally affronted by the fact that we were happy. Once we got inside, she started flying over to Reginald. As soon as she landed, everything but Reggie went grey.

Does Celestia really think her spies aren’t noticeable? I don’t even know why she’s bothering. There are precisely three people at this party interesting enough to talk to and they’re probably the only three who would dare to speak to me in the first place. I think Celestia changed in our absence. It seems to be for the worse.

“I think I would have liked meeting both sisters about four or five thousand years ago,” I said. “That would have been more fun, I think.”

Humans are interesting. Very, very interesting. I wonder if I should tell Luna about the forerunners the minotaurs are so crazy about, and about how closely they match Nav. If she knew she had an ancient in her hooves, there’s no telling what she might do. It seems that Nav may have figured it out at this point, but I can’t quite be sure. Despite his size, I can see many uses for him. The chaos magic swirls so deeply around him that he’s bound to cause great change wherever he goes. Add that to the perspective of an ancient and… Well, I think we’re about to live through some interesting times.

“That motherfucker knew! He knew from the beginning! That son of a bitch!”

Something is troubling Luna. That’s… unusual. The angst is common, the depression is normal, but… she’s on edge. It involves Navarone, which can’t be good. Getting between Luna and a subordinate isn’t wise, but… Hm. I will watch and see where this goes. If anyone asks that I get involved, perhaps I shall.

“And yet again he proves himself a coward,” I said, shaking my head.

“Or considerably more patient,” my guide said. “His mind works very differently than yours.”

The young King Bloodbeak is an interesting character. It’s interesting to see how Nav and Celestia both affected him. Although if I had to guess, I would say Celestia has affected him considerably more than he knows. It’s a shame his brief flicker is almost at an end. I wouldn’t mind a few more conversations. Alas, such is the gift of mortality.

“What the hell do you mean, gift? I’m relatively confident that dying isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

And so Navarone was stabbed in the one place where he should have been the safest. Quite an interesting development. Celestia will have a difficult time fixing the rends I left in the ground when I heard. Nav is swirling with chaos magic. He mentioned Discord earlier. Now he was attacked by a crazed pony using chaos magic. I am too old to believe in coincidences. Discord must be free. If that is the case, then Nav is likely one of his pawns. I can’t help but wonder if he knows.

“That’s it, I’m done with this asshole,” I said. “I’m with Moonie: He’s a cunt.”

“What would telling you have accomplished?” my guide asked. “You already had Flo in you, so you couldn’t have killed yourself. All it would have done is make Celestia and Luna wary, assuming they didn’t outright attack you.”

“I don’t care. If he suspected, he should have told me. Hell, even the fact that I’m swirling with chaos magic is something I kinda shoulda known about. I don’t know how he noticed but nobody else did, or if nobody thought it was worth mentioning.”

“Perhaps you should ask the next time you see him.”

“I don’t think he would tell me. Not at this point.”

The dream finally came back into focus and Luna walked over to Reggie. “I’m happy you accepted my invitation,” she said.

“I had a feeling it would drive your sister crazy, so I knew I had to make it. She sent a few eyes to watch me.”

“Then let us leave them behind.” Her wings spread and she flew up to his back. He started walking toward the maze, so I flew up and slid onto Luna’s back. “How goes your night so far?”

“Decently well. You just missed Nav. I was speaking to him and his adorable little date. I had a feeling he would prefer predators to prey.”

I couldn’t see Luna’s face, but it was probably pretty downcast at the moment. “I… would not be surprised, unfortunately.”

“I’m glad he’s happy. It sounds like he’s been through some unpleasant things.”

“I feel he would be happier with another, yet he… disagrees.”

“You can’t interfere with the heart, Luna. How it beats is how it beats.”

“...I am aware,” she coldly replied.

“Is something the matter?” he slowly asked.

“Many things are amiss, Reginald. I am glad to have one friend I know I can count on.”

“What ails your mind, little Luna?” he asked. Given his size, they were already past the labyrinth. Ponies almost never venture that far out during the gala, so they were unlikely to run into anyone.

“I would rather not speak on it yet. My heart and head are both troubled. I am trying to… come to terms with things.”

“You were away from the world for a long time,” Reginald said. “It’s understandable that you’re having difficulties. You will have an easier time if you voice them. That, I can guarantee.”

“Perhaps another time. This is a party, supposedly. We are to be jovial, and all that.”

“Then secluding ourselves away isn’t the wisest of ideas, is it?”

“To be honest, there are very few I pull any sense of comfort or closeness from. Most of the ponies are just… faces. They’re barely worth remembering. This entire party seems like a… farce. Ponies here are so mindlessly comfortable that they’re all almost entirely identical. No hardship means no growth. No growth means no personality. No change. No advancement. The entire country looks almost the exact same as when I left, Reginald. Celestia has done nothing in my absence but sit on her throne and let her empire go to waste around her.”

“It’s very difficult to do much more than maintain your throne when the one who put you there and kept you there was lost to you. Now that you have returned, will you go back to building the Empire?”

“No. Celestia won’t have it. Apparently now we are to tolerate the lesser races rather than eradicate them. It seems difficult to inspire national unity without an outward enemy, but nothing has collapsed just yet.”

“I think that’s a good thing. My musings over the last few thousand years have turned me away from wholesale slaughter. It makes my blood sing, but it seems so… wasteful.”

Luna sighed and looked up at the moon, almost slapping me in the face with her horn. “It has been so long since fire truly raged in my veins… I know battle would give me the clarity of mind I seek, yet there is none to be had in this peaceful world in which I am now trapped…”

“I would offer to spar, but I think that might draw your sister from hiding. She would certainly be upset if we knocked her ugly capital off the mountain.”

“I’m sure your puppy-dog eyes would calm her mind. With luck, we could pin the blame on Nav. He’ll find some way to get out of any punishment for it anyway.”

“I shudder to think how a virile young predator could earn the forgiveness of a lonely old princess.”

“It’s exactly as disgusting as you imagine, I’m afraid. She lords it over me and… and prances about when he’s done, like it’s something to be proud of.”

“Oh ho. I was joking, but it seems the big princess herself is at least part mortal. I’m somewhat surprised you haven’t used his services, too.”

“I… I believe I would like to… get some punch.” Her horn lit up and she vanished, leaving me to fall onto Reggie’s uncomfortably hard back.

“Interesting. Very, very interesting,” the dragon slowly rumbled.

I didn’t really care about what he and Bloodbeak talked about, so I flew off his back and went over to the party. I didn’t see anybody at all until I got into where all the food was laid out. It took me a few seconds to pick Cadance out in the crowd. A part of that is because most of the ponies in the crowd were incredibly high at the moment and they were all being funny.

When I finally spotted her, everything else went gray. Despite everything, a part of me is nervous about this. I really shouldn’t let Nav drug everypony, but I mean… it’s the Gala. Celestia goes out of her way to ruin it every few years anyway. I might as well let Nav have a turn. That’s only fair, right? Especially given what she’s apparently done to him. Maybe it’ll actually put a rare smile on his face.

“I figured she would have found Shining Armor by now.”

So it seems Navi actually found a date! I don’t recognize her offhoof, but she’s likely high-ranking if she’s here. I don’t think a griffin’s the best choice for him, but what’s a night? If I try meddling this early, he’ll probably just thump me on the nose. I’ll make sure to ask him all the important questions later. I have to make sure whoever he picks is just right!

“While I appreciate the thought, it honestly sounds creepy when she says it like that.”

Well, it’s obvious now which servants graze at the food when nopony’s looking. Not that I can blame them, of course. At least everypony’s still having a good time, even if they might be a little… impaired. Maybe we should do this every year. Celestia wouldn’t have to sabotage it if it’s actually fun! I really wanna try it myself, but I’d feel bad if there wasn’t anypony sober keeping an eye on things.

“That’s actually a pretty good point. I wonder if Celestia would let me do it this year…”

“Don’t you own her?” my guide asked.

“No. I set things up specifically so I wouldn’t own her. That way, I can blame anything bad that happens on her and Flo.”

Luna isn’t taking what happened with Nav very well at all. It looks like she’s about a centimeter away from hurting somepony! I didn’t think seeing Nav with that griffin would set her off like this. I honestly wonder how stable she is. I’ll have to warn him when we get back home. I would tell Celestia right now, but she’s apparently up and vanished. While that’s completely like her, I really wish she would stop doing these things during the Gala. It’s embarrassing!

“I kinda wonder why she didn’t think to warn me before we left, but it ended up being a moot point anyway.”

I have a new third scariest moment. How odd is it that all of them involve Nav? First, when he was trapped with me under Canterlot. Second, when he saved my life in Gryphus. And now third, when he was almost murdered in front of me. What could have possibly come over Blueblood? He and Nav had their differences, but this… was actually a little fair, now that I think about it. There was that one time Nav shot him point-blank with a crossbow with no warning. Still, though… trying to kill Nav in front of everypony including two princesses was just… dumb. Too dumb, even for him. Something changed while Blueblood was gone.

“Oh man, I forgot about the time I shot him! That was fucking great. No wonder he stabbed me in the back. I guess I do kinda get it, now.” The memory finally came back to life and Cadance started walking. “I don’t really care what Cadance and Luna talked about. I also don’t really care how Shining Armor’s night went. So I think it’s time to go hunt down my little filly.”

Instead of following Cadance, I took a quick look around the room. I didn’t see anyone interesting, so I walked through the dining area to the kitchen and ducked into a side hall. As long as I was forced to spend in the palace, I learned my way around.

Before I got to the gardens, I found Twilight and Rarity, who seemed to be having a hushed argument. “I know Nav is involved!” Rarity hissed. “He’s always involved!”

“While I won’t deny that’s true, you can’t just throw around accusations. I do think everypony’s acting a little… strange, but that could be anything.”

“They’re all acting just like everypony did when Nav and Pinkie dosed us!”

“They are. Did you notice that Pinkie is here, too?”

“I know! That’s how he pulled it off! There’s no way he could do it on his own. She helped him ruin the Gala!”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “We’ve been over this. You can’t just throw around accusations. While the evidence does point to it, do you remember our first Gala?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Right? Do you remember how Celestia told us she always found a way to make the Gala more interesting?”

“You can’t be suggesting…”

“Have you seen her at all tonight?” Twilight asked. “I did for a few minutes when I first got here, but she vanished mid-conversation, as soon as I turned my head. If anypony’s to blame, it’s her. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she’s working with Nav and Pinkie.”

“Well. I suppose it would be rude to accuse the host of attempting to ruin her own party. That said, I have no intention of staying. Would you like to join me in returning home?”

Twilight looked around the hall for a moment before shrugging. “I already saw Taya and her cute dress. I did kinda want to see Nav, but there’s no telling where he is or what he’s up to.”

“He actually has a date, if you can believe it,” Rarity said. “A griffin princess!”

“Well, that confirms it,” Twilight sighed. “Second worst Gala ever…”

“Oh? Jealous of his griffin, hm?”

“W-what? No… I just can’t believe he has a date and I don’t!” Nice save.

“Shall we return to Ponyville and drown the night out with ice cream, then?”

“I guess it’s better than staying here.” Twilight’s horn lit up and they both teleported off.

“What, I don’t get a fade-to-grey scene with them?” I asked.

“Their nights didn’t intersect yours,” my guide said. “What use would that be?”

“It wouldn’t be, I’m just nosy.” Standing around wasn’t being productive, though. I continued out through one of the side doors to the garden. Luckily enough, it actually let out closer to my filly.

When I found her, she was looking up at the statue of Discord. “So… you used to live in there?” she asked.

“...Who is she talking to?” I slowly asked. I had a dark, dirty feeling in my gut.

“How long were you in there?” she asked. A few seconds later, she blinked. “Six thousand years?”

That made my blood run cold. “Oh. Oh no.”

“So how did you actually get free? Shouldn’t the statue be broken or something?”

What I assumed was Discord picked her up and moved her closer to the statue, near the bottom of it. I walked over to join her and we both saw a very tiny crack in one of its legs. It wasn’t anything the casual observer would notice. That monster set my filly back down and I saw her ears moving, as though he was scritching them. Watching it made me feel sick.

“What kind of gift?” she suddenly asked. Her head tilted. “What I’ve always wanted?” A few seconds later, she blinked a few times. “My… destiny?”

After that, she grinned and jumped up to hug the abomination. She lifted into the air and twirled around, snuggled up in that monster’s warm, fuzzy embrace. “Taya, how could you trust this thing?” I asked. “Look at it! Everything about it screams evil!” I actually couldn’t see it at the moment, thankfully. But how could you possibly fall for it?

He finally set her back down, pinching her cheek for just a moment. “I’ve always wanted to save daddy just like he saved me!”

“Well, I guess that confirms Discord sent him,” I said.

“Uh. You want me to… repeat after you?” Taya asked. She looked rightfully confused. “I mean, I guess.” She waited a few more seconds before nodding. “Got it, though it sounds kinda weird and doesn’t really make sense.” She took a second to clear her throat before looking straight at where I was standing. “He knows you’re watching. This is just proof that he’s been with you from the start and that we’ll never be free!” She looked back at him. “Like that?” Apparently that earned her another ear scritch.

“Well alright then,” I said. “That’s uh… That’s pretty spooky. Do you think that’s a shot in the psychological dark or could he have actually known I’d opt for the coma and be standing here at the right time to hear it?”

Before Discord could continue corrupting her, Gilda and past me landed next to her. At the time, I hadn’t even registered that we were next to the statue. The memory finally froze and everything around me went gray but Taya.

I can’t believe I agreed to go to this party for that colt. Ugh, I can barely even remember his name. Not like it means much, since he ended up being worthless. The coward refused to even go as my date to get his own stupid pictures! And of course, daddy blew me off as soon as we walked in. I guess that female griffin caught his eye. I’d bet my horn he’ll find some way to get her to our house at the end of the night.

“I had no idea she asked him on a date. I’m honestly not surprised he said no.”

This party is so… wasteful. How much money does Celestia sink into this every year? She could probably feed all of Catro for a week. I almost starved to death in a gutter while these ponies gorged themselves and danced like nothing in the world was the matter. No wonder daddy hates Equestria so much. It’s so utterly, pointlessly gaudy.

“I can’t disagree, but I didn’t know she felt like this. Is this what she’s hiding behind her adorableness?”

There’s no way I can trust Discord. But he’s powerful enough that I think I can use him for what I want… if he’s good for his promises. According to daddy, most demons stick to their deals, but you always have to be wary how they stick to them and just what exactly they ask in return. Discord asked me to support him, as he created my daddy. That’s almost definitely completely nonsense, but if it’s true, then supporting him is a no-brainer, no matter how evil he obviously is. And if it’s not true, then the basis for our agreement would be null and void, meaning all my responsibility toward him is gone. With luck, I’ll already have what I want by the time that happens.

“Did I really raise a Machiavellian genius? I don’t know if I fucked up so hard that I did good or if I created a complete and total monster.”

So it seems my horn is secure. Sure enough, my father found a way to get his new conquest home. Surely he’ll exhaust his supply of suitors eventually! If he keeps finding ways to avoid spending time with me, I’ll have to take drastic measures. Maybe a few magical accidents while showing off would put him in bed long enough for me to help him get better… Then he’d have to spend time with me!

“I’m really looking forward to the next block of thoughts,” I said with a grin.

I have learned a very valuable lesson tonight, one that daddy has tried to teach me in the past. It never truly stuck until now: Be careful what you wish for. And on a similar vein, I learned an even more important lesson about how demons truly act. Daddy was right once again: You can never know precisely how somebody will pull through for me. Discord said he was presenting me with my destiny. I thought I’d get to save daddy and he’d shower me with hugs and kisses and belly rubs. Instead, I watched as he was almost taken from me yet again. And so, my last lesson… My destiny isn’t to protect daddy. It’s to hurt his enemies before they hurt him.

And on that very chilling note, everything came back to life.

“Well alrighty then,” I said. “I’m officially done with life now. Aqua, I order you to kill me, then kill all the me’s that respawn from seeds.” Unfortunately, I continued living. “God dammit, Flo!”

It didn’t take Taya long to thrust her camera at past me and run off. I already knew what I had been up to, so I decided to follow her. Thankfully, she couldn’t keep galloping for long and stopped about halfway to the main entrance to the palace. She looked back and couldn’t see us anymore. She rolled her eyes and continued walking. “I don’t know why daddy wants me to keep up this charade. Pretending to be a cute little filly all the time is awful.”

“What, are you saying you aren’t a cute little filly?” I asked. At this point, though, I already knew the answer.

“Seeing him smile is worth it, though.” She shrugged and continued in silence.

When she got to the palace, she walked right in without a worry. Watching myself get stabbed wasn’t too appealing, so I decided to go look for the sitting room where Celestia was toying with Fleur. Since it was the sitting room, it didn’t take me long.

Unfortunately, I missed the fun part. Celestia and Fleur were panting together on a couch, Fleur resting atop Celestia’s oversized horsey body.

“P-princess… I… I n-never knew… Hmm, oh Princess… How long h-have you been all c-cooped up, hmm?” One of Fleur’s hooves started trailing down between the princess’s legs. “Your l-loyal servant would be h-happy to attend you…”

Celestia’s horn lit up and Fleur got punted off of her. “Something very, very problematic just happened,” Celestia coldly said. “I was drugged.”

“Um.”

“Why were you in this room?”

“I… I was i-invited! Sir N-Navarone asked me to come here!”

“I’m very happy I didn’t have to drag that out of you.” Celestia’s horn lit up and a golden light surrounded Fleur’s head for a few seconds. “It’s a hasty patch job, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. Ugh, my head is still foggy!” She finally rolled off the bed, pure fury across her face. “It’s time Nav and I had a very serious, long, and pointed discussion. Now then. Why were you in this room?”

“Uhh… You invited me here for a talk?”

“And how did you enjoy this talk?”

“It was wonderful! It makes my legs tremble just to think of it! Oooh, your hair is wonderful, Princess!”

“...That’s going to require some tweaking, but it’ll have to do until my head is more clear.” Celestia’s horn lit up again and all the fluids on Fleur disappeared. “Return straight home, go to bed, and sleep.”

“Yes, Princess Celestia.” Fleur stood and limped right out. Celestia followed without a word and started walking purposefully toward the main hall.

As soon as she found a guard, she said, “Find Navarone and bring him to me at once. I will be in my throne room.”

“That uh… might be a problem,” he said. “I’m pretty sure they had to carry him out.”

“What?”

“Oh, did you not hear?”

“I have absolutely no patience right now. What. Happened.”

The guard’s eyes widened. “P-prince Blueblood came back! He… he stabbed Navarone in the back!” Celestia’s mouth actually dropped.

“That was fast,” I said. “I can’t believe I already got stabbed in that time frame.”

“It took you a while to find Celestia,” my guide said. “She chose that sitting room because it was far enough away from the party to avoid anyone hearing anything untoward.”

“Where is he?!” Celestia demanded. “And why wasn’t I notified immediately?!”

“I… I don’t know!”

Celestia actually growled and her horn lit up. The guy’s eyes slammed shut in fear and he looked away just in time for Celestia to teleport out. A few seconds later, one of his eyes slowly eased open. When he saw that she was gone, he fell to the ground, shivering in fear.

That wasn’t really helpful, so I continued walking into the main hall. Thankfully, finding Celestia again wasn’t too difficult: She was ducking into the throne room with Luna. I hastened to follow.

“The mage’s tower?” Celestia said. “Why would you send him there?!”

“I couldn’t find you and my magic didn’t work! What was I supposed to do, just let him die on the floor in my hooves?!”

“Ugh. Do you know how many requests they’ve sent in demanding his magic items? Do you know how many requests they’ve sent in demanding him? We might never get our hooves back on him!”

“He would be permanently lost should he die, sister. What was I supposed to do? Send him to the Surgeon? You know what he would charge! Where am I supposed to get a dragon corpse on such short notice?”

“Why else do you think I keep Spike around?!” My mouth dropped. Celestia sighed and lifted a hoof to her forehead. “No, forget I said that. That was… Well, that was the original plan. But after… Well, plans can change when the heart gets involved. You did the right thing, Luna. I was not in a position to help and if you couldn’t figure out what to do, sending him there was the next best choice. I will be joining him shortly to ensure he will not have difficulties leaving. Tell me what happened.”

“Blueblood returned. None of Shining Armor’s worthless guards made an attempt to stop him. He found Navarone and stabbed him. Taya immediately killed Blueblood. We tried healing Nav, but something was stopping us. The only reason he still lives is because of his nature.”

“Was there panic?”

“No. The party-goers appear to all be dosed with some manner of drug. I believe Blueblood snuck it in to make targeting Navarone easier.”

“That… is something I had not considered.”

“You were aware the party was drugged?”

Celestia sighed and hung her head. “I am aware that I was drugged. That is why I was unavailable. I thought it was… somepony else who did it.”

“Captain Midnight Blossom is beginning a full investigation. Blueblood was allowed to walk in when the palace should have had the highest security possible. This drug went undetected until it was served to the guests. Not only that, but it was delivered to Princess Celestia herself! I swear to you sister, heads will roll when I am finished.”

“Do not bring out your axe before consulting me, sister. Get to the bottom of this. Scrape and dig and pry until you know exactly what happened. And the instant you do, come straight to me. If Blueblood had a way to stop our magic, we must know who sent him and why. If he spoke to anypony in this party, find them and squeeze until you have every last drop of information you require.”

“I have not been away so long that I forgot how to lead an inquisition,” Luna said. “But I want a promise from you, sister. I will find the ones responsible, but I want something in return.”

“There is no need for rewards, sister. Speak your desire and see it made reality sooner rather than later.”

“Allow this to be the final nail in Shining Armor’s coffin. His track record is abysmal. Failure after humiliating failure. He’s a disgrace to our army. Let me put Captain Midnight in charge and I guarantee this will not happen again.”

“...Conduct your investigation, Luna. And as part of it, I want Midnight to discover the whereabouts and behaviors of Shining Armor during this debacle. You are correct when you say that his record is poor. We will see what he did to attempt to prevent this. Once I have that information, I will decide whether to press formal treason charges against him or just informally place Midnight in charge until he retires to his fiefdom. I hope that will be adequate.”

From the feral grin across Luna’s face, I could predict her answer. “More than I could have hoped for, dearest sister. Go ensure Nav is well taken care of and see what you can do to have him returned to the palace for his bed rest. I will begin digging.”

Celestia hugged her sister for a moment before teleporting off. When she was gone, Luna giggled in sadistic glee for a few seconds before her horn lit up and a soaking-wet and soapy Midnight Blossom appeared before her.

“You have a new task,” Luna said.

“P-princess! I was taking a shower!”

Luna’s horn lit up and all the water and soap disappeared. “You are now clean.” Her horn lit up again and Blossom’s armor appeared on a pony mannequin. “This cannot wait. Get dressed and I will explain.”

“You gave me the night off! You guaranteed me—”

“Navarone was almost murdered by Blueblood in the middle of the Gala.” Blossom blinked for a few seconds before starting to strap on armor. “He used drugs in the food to placate the party-goers and get Celestia out of the way. So first, send your guards to the kitchens and arrest every single one of the chefs who are on duty, along with all of the servants who have even been in the kitchen all day. The drugs got to the party somehow. One of them has to know something.”

“Why wasn’t Blueblood stopped at the entrance?” Blossom asked.

“My operating assumption is that he did not use the entrance. Some of our guards are incompetent, but surely nopony could be that incompetent. The shield around the party protects against changelings and stops all conventional teleportation. However, every member of royalty knows how to access the teleportation ring. Send a magical diagnostic team to that room to see if it’s been used today. I know Celestia and I have been here all day and Cadance flew in with Nav.”

“And if they find nothing?”

“Then my second assumption would be him using a contact to finagle his way in, either through bribery or distracting a guard. Alternately, Blueblood was an orphan who grew up in the palace. It’s very likely he knows every single way in and out of this place, including some that aren’t commonly patrolled. If your magical diagnostics pick up nothing, question the guards on watch.”

“Do we have any idea how long Blueblood was here?”

“None. The first I heard of him being here was when he stabbed Nav.”

“How many witnesses saw the stabbing?”

“There were three direct witnesses. Princess Cadance, Princess Gilda of the griffins, and Taya, Nav’s daughter. Everypony in the room looked up when Taya screamed after he was stabbed, so they all saw Blueblood push him away from his horn.”

“W-wait… Blueblood stabbed Nav with his horn?”

“Yes. I’m not sure if Blueblood knew what it would cause should Nav die. Unfortunately, we can’t ask him questions.”

“Wait, why not? Did he escape?”

“Oh, no. He’s dead. Taya killed him moments after he stabbed Nav. So we’re doing this the hard way. Get to work, Midnight. If the dice fall well in this investigation, you’ll be getting a raise.”

“Um. I mean, I appreciate it, but I honestly don’t need money for much anyway. I mean, I don’t have to buy food, so…”

“Well, it’ll come as part of your promotion.”

“P-promotion? For what?!”

“We’ll have to put someone in charge after Shining Armor has been charged with treason, stripped of his titles, and executed. He has failed one time too many, allowing someone far more important than he to be harmed. So dig well and quickly, captain. The future of the Equestrian military is at stake. It’s time to put a true predator back in charge.”

“T-treason?! Princess, I know Shining Armor isn’t the best guard, but… there’s nobody more loyal to Equestria!”

“Do you remember what happened at the Gala two years ago?” Luna asked.

“No, you guaranteed me that night off, too. I always take the Gala off.”

“Navarone made a bet with Celestia. The bet was that he could fake-assassinate her at the party. His claim was that her defense was lackluster and that it would be easy to penetrate.”

“Oh. Yes, I do remember hearing about that. He uh… He won that bet, didn’t he?”

“Hoofily. Celestia warned Shining Armor that Nav was coming and he did absolutely nothing to stop Nav from harming his princess. What does that sound like to you?”

“Uh. Gross dereliction of duty?”

“Surely you remember what happened with Chrysalis.”

“I… Uh, the official story, or what you told me really happened?”

“The part where a rude, cruel bug successfully pretended to be Shining Armor’s wife for a full three days without anypony but Twilight noticing. How do you think Chrysalis fooled Shining Armor?”

“I have a few personal opinions about the matter…”

“Do you remember the war games?”

“With relish, Princess.”

“Need I continue?”

Blossom rubbed the back of her neck, which was pointless because it was now covered in armor. “Well, I’m seeing that he’s a bad soldier. I’m not really seeing that he’s a traitor.”

“That is because you are not very good at propaganda. Shining Armor did not stop Navarone from harming Celestia because he was hoping Nav would succeed. Shining Armor was actually working with Chrysalis to try to bring us down and keep his fiancee imprisoned so he could rule alongside Chrysalis. And after Nav trounced Shining Armor in the war games, Shining got jealous and mad and bitter. He decided he couldn’t take losing over and over, so he invited another person with a grudge against Nav back to Canterlot, one ex-Prince Blueblood. They formed a plot where they could take out a common enemy. Shining Armor took care of the princess and partygoers, Blueblood took care of Nav. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“You’re… making a lot of assumptions, Princess,” Blossom slowly said.

“I am not making assumptions,” Luna said. “I am telling you what evidence you are going to find.”

“Uhhhh… Are you… are you really asking me to lie on official records to take Shining Armor down for treason?”

“HE LOCKED ME IN A BUBBLE!” Luna screamed, slamming a hoof on the floor hard enough to crack it. “AND WORSE, HE ALLOWED MY LOVE TO BE ASSAULTED BY THAT MONSTER!”

“Your… love?” Blossom asked.

Luna’s teeth snapped shut so hard I could hear it even with her mouth closed. She spent a few long seconds glaring at Blossom before slowly saying, “Conduct your investigation, Captain. Find what you find. We shall see where the dice lie when they finish rolling.” Her horn lit up and she vanished.

Blossom actually sagged and lifted a hoof to her chest. “My heart hasn’t beaten in so long, and yet… Sweet Celestia, that was terrifying…” It didn’t take her too long to get over it though. She sighed one more time and started muttering about missing her yearly house-cleaning while trotting to the door. I didn’t really see any reason to follow, since I already got to see everything I cared about.

When Blossom was out the door, I grunted. “Seeing the Gala through this lens was… interesting. And it gave me a whole lot to ponder. How much of what Taya shows me is real and how much of it is an illusion?”

“She learned how to act and how to lie from you,” my guide said. “So you will have to work to pierce the guise she displays… unless there is nothing more beneath it anymore.”

“Which is also possible. She’s been through a lot of things that can seriously change even adults. It’s time I had a talk with her about our future. Part of that will include what she thinks and how she acts.”

“And what do you think of Discord’s message across time?”

“It was too specific to be a shot in the psychological dark. He created me. He knows me in ways I probably don’t even know myself. But even despite all that, I still have no clue how he knew I’d be there at that time.”

“And do you have any thoughts about how many chefs and servants were tortured for something that you and Pinkie did?”

“Yeah, none. Torture’s illegal in Equestria. I am kinda curious about what happened to them, though. I mean, after Celestia saw those pictures in the paper, surely she would have figured it out.”

“It isn’t a memory we have,” my guide said. “So I’m afraid I honestly don’t know. Has your rage toward Reginald cooled?”

“A little, but I’m still pretty fucking salty about it. If there’s one thing that sets me off, it’s people not giving me the information I need or that could be really helpful, especially when they’re supposedly friends of mine who have no reason to withhold the knowledge other than potential personal gain. I could have avoided almost everything that happened in Iceland had he told me what really happened before I found out the hard way and ended up under Pyrite’s talons!”

“Do you have any other thoughts about the party?”

“So many,” I said. “So many that they’re clouding my mind. I see why so many people get stuck in these comas. It’s so much to process and it all comes at you so quickly. The rules seem to change all the time and danger seems to randomly strike out. I shudder to think of what the bunker will be like.”

“Are you prepared to move on?”

“Honestly, no. I don’t want to be stuck in here for longer than necessary, but I need to take a break after this one. Are there any messages?”

“There are. Shall we return to the glade, then?”

“...Yeah, I think I’m done here.” Her eyes flashed and off we went.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Four

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Four

“Man, life sucks,” I sighed.

“As your guide, I feel obligated to point out that such a life-view is unhealthy,” Flo-lite replied. “Would a glass of lemonade be welcome?”

“It would be.” I stared at her for a few seconds, just waiting. She stared right back. “Let me guess: You were just asking, you don’t actually have any way of giving me lemonade.”

“I assumed being reminded of a comfort would put your mind at ease.”

I sighed again, running a hand down my face. “Do I have any messages?”

“Yes, from Doppel.”

“Wait, Doppel? How did she get in here?” My guide shrugged. “Well, whatever. Play.”

“It’s good to see you again, my lady,” Doppel said. “After Luna told us all that you could hear what we say, we worked out a system so that we can all talk to you at least once. That way, we can finally drill the fact that you’re the best lady ever into your skull. And if you get out and you still aren’t sure, we can take turns drilling you in other ways until it clicks!”

“That’s Doppel for you.”

“We all know you feel worthless, my lady. It took us a long time to understand it, but we finally do. That’s why we try so much to help you see how much you truly mean to us all. For so long, my entire life was dedicated to the hive, to Queen Chrysalis. I see now how… mindless I was. I’ve done so much to destabilize so many places, and all for what? So a queen who barely knows my name can throw me aside on a whim? Being a maid is safer, more fun, much easier, and more filling than being a spy ever was. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been hungry, my lady!”

“I really hate how everyone conspires against me behind my back,” I said.

“That said, we also know you got into this coma to help you change, so we decided the best way we could help you is to give you suggestions. We all love serving you, but there are certain things that… Well, let’s just say we both know you need to make some changes, my lady.”

“Oh boy, here we go,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I think the most obvious thing is… well, how openly slutty you are. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing with you as much as I can, but making jokes about it at a party is… unwise.”

“Says the one who put a vibrator inside of me at a party…” Although I had let her, so whatever I guess.

“I think that’s the biggest issue I had,” Doppel said. “If you ever want to act slutty at all, Twilight knows a spell that can turn you into a changeling. Just pretend to be me and let all the guards run a train on you. Which brings me to the next biggest issue… Taya. Spike told me what happened with Aqua and your poor filly. It’s disgusting and horrific, but we’ll help both of you get through this. With luck, she’ll actually be happy, but… you need to talk to her. Seriously and in-depth. She’s completely terrified now that she knows she didn’t actually have your permission.”

“Yeah, so am I!” Which is exactly why I had been avoiding the talk. I was also hoping the coma would give me some insight on what to actually say.

“Everyone knows you never asked for Taya, Nav. And everyone knows you consider yourself to be a bad parent. But we also all know that you love each other. You’ll find a way to make this work, even if it seems scary and daunting now. The best part is, you can force Aqua to help you!”

“If Aqua was in any way a good parent or guardian, I wouldn’t have been so eager to escape her so-called loving grasp. More to the point, she wouldn’t have done this to Taya in the first place.”

“On the upside, what happened with Taya got us thinking… If it’s as easy as a potion, there’s nothing stopping us from being with you forever, too!”

“Oh fuck no,” I said. “No no no, I’m cutting this one off right now. Flo, you track all of them down and you tell them fuck no right now!”

“And since we knew you might try to stop us, all of us who wanted to do it already have! Now we finally get to serve our wonderful lady forever!” She waited a few more seconds before giggling. “Oh man, I really wish I could see your face right now. No, we talked about it, but we decided to wait and see what you think.”

“Flo, I would like you to give Doppel the tentacle monster treatment next time you see her, please.”

“Another thing you definitely need to work on is formality. I know you’re not one for stuffy affairs and all that nonsense, but you’re no longer in a position where you have a choice. If you want to keep your platform, you need to maintain it. Part of that will be attending events, which requires being on your best behavior. Well, not your best behavior. Let’s say… Fluttershy’s best behavior. Polite, reserved, quiet. And when you can actually get her to talk, animated and vocal. You shouldn’t be volunteering inappropriate information all the time, even if it’s funny sometimes.”

“...I remember that Taya got mad at me for it, too. So did the others. I guess that makes it something I should work on.”

“Is changing yourself to make others happy truly wise?” my guide asked.

“It is when it involves something you know they’re right about. I usually say inappropriate stuff to distract away from something else.”

Doppel sighed and seemed to get louder. “They said you couldn’t feel anything, so I just wanted to let you know that I took a second to cuddle up against you. Now, as much as I want to tell you to work on your femininity and to practice being a better lady, I… won’t. I can’t. It’s not right. As much as you like putting on a show, I… know this is killing you. I know it’s something you despise. By now, I know that deep inside, you’re still very much my master, no matter what everyone else is trying to tell you. And let me tell you, I know from experience that ignoring the shrieking voice inside of you is a terrible idea.”

“Well I mean… Shit.”

“Which raises the question of what exactly to do,” Doppel said. “You are our lady. There is no fighting that fact, I’m afraid. And unfortunately, I don’t think I have an answer for you. Everyone else seems so gung-ho about you being the perfect lady, but I know it’s wearing on you. It’s getting worse and worse and driving you further and further down, to the point where you felt like this was your only option. I just know that pretending there isn’t a problem solves nothing and I owe you so much that I can’t just sit here and act like nothing is wrong. You were born a man. You still want to be one. You hate acting girly and dressing like a lady. You hate this act. We have to find a solution for this, my lady. You’ll just end up right back in another coma if we don’t.”

“Unless the coma can explain to me how being a lady is a good thing,” I said with a shrug. “Which is entirely possible, I suppose. I mean, it has a few upsides, but most of those involve being a massive slut. If I’m working on changing that, most of the upsides go right out the window.”

“I guess that should be our little secret, though,” she said. “It seems like many of your other followers think making you act more and more ladylike is a good idea. There are a few different philosophies of thought, but whatever. Hm… I don’t really have any more things to change. I do have some updates, though. I spoke to the two mares who were considering working for you. They are apparently sisters and quite intrigued at the thought of working for the mysterious Lady Navarone. They grew up in a noble’s house with their parents, so they have plenty of experience. Their current contract will be finishing up in a week and they’ve already agreed to the terms in the new one Silver wrote up. We won’t actually formalize it until you meet them, but they’ll begin working probationally as soon as they can.”

“That’s interesting, I guess.”

“You have had multiple letters and visits from mage’s guild representatives. Apparently some of them have approached Taya in school, too. Luna has taken temporary possession of the book, to ensure we can visit you whenever we want and to make sure those creeps don’t get their withered old hooves on it. I’m relatively confident that they aren’t happy you had a hand in eradicating three-sevenths of their council. One of the visitors was the de-horned mare, who desperately wants to talk.”

“That sounds like a huge side quest that I really don’t want to get involved in,” I said. “I really had a feeling I shouldn’t have let those guys into the book. Talking to those assholes is gonna be a huge waste of time.”

“You’ve had a few other visitors as well, including a large griffin noble from Gryphus. He was asking after a… Rosie, I think? I’m not sure. He thought you would know her.”

“Nope, never heard of her,” I replied with a shrug.

“I think that’s a lie,” my guide said.

“I know I’ve never heard of a Rosie,” Doppel said. “But maybe you have. Who knows? He said he’ll be in Canterlot until he finds her, so I’m sure he’ll stop by again.”

“That sounds like a perfect thing for Twilight to deal with,” I said. “She was the one who was all gung-ho about turning me into a slutty maid. She can deal with the consequences.”

“As the guide in charge of helping you grow, I feel it’s my duty to point out that’s not really how consequences work. You were the one who seduced him. Should it not be you who deals with him?”

“I dunno, probably. But I don’t wanna, so making Twilight do it is easier.”

“I don’t really have any more updates,” Doppel said. “But I think I’m gonna stay here a bit to cuddle you some more. I won’t keep bothering you. Have fun in there, my lady!”

And with that, my maid’s voice left my mind. “Well, that was interesting. Doppel noticed I’m having a hard time being a lady. I’m glad she told me. I’m surprised she told me I needed to stop pretending. I hope the coma will make that easier to decide.”

“Are you prepared to continue onward?” my guide asked.

Hearing from Doppel helped put the awful shit from the party out of my mind, but it all came crashing back on me when she asked if I was ready. “I’m prepared, alright,” I said. “Prepared to die a quick and painless death. Aqua, I really need you to pull through for me. I know this is what you always really wanted, deep down. Don’t let Flo stop you. This is an order. Make it happen.”

“She’s letting Flo stop her,” my guide uselessly pointed out.

“You’re useless, Aqua!” I shouted into the air.

“In her mind, there is no problem that can’t be solved with mind control. Misbehaving princess? Mind control. Misbehaving human? Mind control! Misbehaving filly?” On that last one, she leaned in expectantly.

“Mind control?” I sighed.

“Bingo. Most of your problems stem from those around you who act in ways you would prefer they not. Why not just… you know… deal with that?” I lifted an eyebrow. “In her perspective, of course.”

“Of course,” I drily replied. “It’s strange how you, a water elemental lookalike, can so easily see her perspective.”

“I only know what you know. She took over Celestia. She took over you. She’s talked about taking over Taya and others.”

“Uh huh. Are there any other messages?”

“No. It seems they mean to keep their word not to bother you too much.”

“Well. Thankfully, Flo is a useful elemental. She can play the memories of the coma back whenever I want so I can revisit these awful things to take more from them. So far, all I seem to be getting is that I’ve almost completely surrounded myself with psychopaths and/or crybabies.”

“I think Aqua could do the same thing, actually.”

“Probably, but inspiring competition by giving praise and scorn where they’re due gives me a better experience as a user. With the two of them competing to pamper me the most, I can’t lose!”

“I don’t have a reply to that. Are you prepared to move on?”

“I really don’t want to, but this coma is the endurance run to end all endurance runs. Let’s do it.” Her eyes flashed and we departed the glade.

This time, we ended up in Spike’s room at the treebrary in Ponyville. I assume there wasn’t any extra plant stuff around because we were already inside of a tree. Spike was in bed, staring at the ceiling.

How long did I spend trying to get close to Rarity? How many years was it? How long was I the perfect little gentlecolt for that spoiled rotten mare? And for what?

“Not a whole lot,” I said.

I know I can’t expect Rarity to just fall for me. Everyone has different interests. But… all those years… and she never noticed? Not even once? And in the end, to think I would be better off with stallions? If the mare I spent so much time with knows so little about me… There really is no chance of a future for me in Equestria. I’m too different. He finally turned to lay on his side, staring out the window.

“Alas, to be a dragon in a pony’s world… If it’s anywhere near as hard as being a human in a pony’s world, I’d say it’s all kinds of shitty.”

At that dragon migration… They told me I was a hostage. It sounded so true at the time, but when I got back and started thinking, I started doubting. Celestia has always been so nice, the perfect mother. She did send me to Egypt, but it was with Nav! She knew he’d keep me safe! And he did… at the cost of himself…

“Yeah, you’re welcome.”

“Bitterness is unbecoming of a hero,” Reason said. I honestly hadn’t realized any of them were there. “Is there truth to it, or do you merely jest?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure. I’m mad that I had to suffer to keep Spike safe, but I objectively know it wasn’t his fault. On the same vein, if he hadn’t been there, I probably would have been fine. Then there’s the later case in Iceland where trying to help him got me tortured, but that’s a whole other thing. I know I shouldn’t be bitter, but…”

“But pain and suffering make it easy,” Pain said. “Spike is worthless. All he ever does is hold you back.”

“That’s objectively false,” I said. “He has his uses. That said, there are many things he’s bad at. All things told, I know I’m better for his company. I just have to remind myself every now and then.”

So maybe I’m not a hostage. And maybe I am. Reginald implied it. He talked about a treaty and eggs. It doesn’t take much to assume I’m one of them. But assuming and knowing… I could ask Nav, but there’s no telling how he’d react. I could see him pushing Celestia a little too far and getting us both in trouble. He rolled onto his back again and sighed.

“You see this shit?” I asked. “This motherfucker right here is holding back knowledge that I really fucking needed, making us both suffer an unnecessarily bad fate. This is some Reginald-tier shit!”

“Spike sought to protect you,” Reason said. “Is that not a just cause?”

“Just because I understand why he didn’t tell me doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed about it.”

“Um. Are you sure?” Reason slowly asked. I wasn’t, actually, but whatever.

Although if I try to leave and we both get in trouble anyway, it would be a moot point. It’ll be the perfect hostage test. If Celestia actually lets me leave, I’ll know it was a lie. If she tries to stop us, it’ll mean I have a reason to run!

“And just, you know, completely leave me out of your plans. You know, the guy who stuck his neck out for you at every turn, including a chance to leave this pastel hellhole behind. Just the best and only true friend you’ve had in this horrible place!”

“Why is this making you so angry?” Reason asked. “He’s but a child. Can he not be forgiven for his thoughts?”

“This is what I’ve been thinking all along,” I said. “This… toxicity. So often, I look at relationships as… transactional. As though the effort I put into them should be directly reciprocated.”

“That’s because they should,” Reason said. “That’s literally the sole purpose for relationships. If you are giving more than someone else, then you are being taken advantage of. Do you feel that is the case with Spike?”

“I feel like that’s the case with a whole lot of people. I’m trying to look at it through another lens, but all this coma is showing me is that trying to do the right thing was, generally speaking, wasted effort. So far, pretty much everyone I’ve dealt with has either been using me, lying to me, or withholding incredibly valuable information. I’ve had a lot of positive interactions with a lot of people, but all I’ve seen so far is that I would have been better off as a fucking stillbirth!”

It’s not like Celestia would ever hurt us anyway. She likes Nav too much for that. And if I do get to go free… I’ve always wanted to see the world. Well, there’s no better place to do it than at Nav’s side. Learning to fight is tough, but my blood finally feels like it’s flowing properly! My first time eating meat was wonderful, but fighting is on an entirely new level. Is this how a predator is supposed to feel?

“It is,” I sighed. “Spike is… frustrating.”

“Why?” Pain asked.

“Because I didn’t want to raise him, but I kinda fucking had to. I never felt it was my place to guide him, but I realize now, at the end of the road, not only was it my place, but I should have started sooner. Twilight trying to turn an apex predator into a house servant was not going to end well for anybody. As the adult in the room, I should have stepped in sooner.”

“You weren’t the adult in the room at the time,” Reason said.

“It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see what was going on! I just thought, you know, this is Ponyland, this is normal, right? This little boy seems depressed and down all the time, but surely everything’s all peachy, right? I mean, Twilight makes him sleep in a basket which is weird and she treats him like a pet which is weird, but it’s Ponyland, right? He doesn’t get to go to school like the other kids because he’s too busy doing Twilight’s chores. What time he doesn’t spend with her, he’s spending doting after a mare who obviously doesn’t care and it seems like he’s the butt of all her jokes, but it’s Ponyland. Who cares if you’re treating a child like a pariah if it’s just a dragon, right?”

“...I guess it made perfect sense, to a pony,” Reason slowly said.

“I guess it fucking did. I’m sorry for not stepping in sooner, Spike.”

“If you had stepped in sooner, what would you have done?” Reason asked. “What would have been different?”

“I would have taken him hunting with me from the start. I would have explained what it means to be a predator. I would have just… done so much more. I did… eventually. I just wish I had taken the responsibility on sooner.”

“It is difficult to right a wrong,” Reason said. “Especially in a world where you are the stranger.”

The silence that ensued allowed Spike to continue thinking. I actually figured he was done, so it spooked me and made me jump. And if Celestia doesn’t let me leave… What will I do then? If I am a hostage… does that mean someone will come to rescue me? Was there a war between dragons and ponies? Could it still be happening? There’s no information in any of the books in Ponyville. Nav’s helped me search them all. I checked all the ones I could find in Canterlot, but nothing!

“...I remember Celestia finding Spike and I in the library in Ramla,” I slowly said. “The two of us were hunting for books about dragons. She watched us looking. I bet she was laughing on the inside the whole fucking time.”

“I doubt that,” Pain said. “It’s much more likely that she didn’t even give it a thought.”

Things aren’t adding up to me. There has to be something. Ponies and dragons have been living in the same world since… since ponies and dragons have existed! But there’s no information anywhere! The dragons told me I was a hostage. They told me Celestia likes censorship. Nav told me censorship means hiding knowledge. That would mean Celestia is hiding the fact that there was a war and that I’m a hostage. But that makes no sense. If there was a war, surely at least a single pony would know about it!

“Hearing this is painful,” I sighed, shaking my head. “How long did he spin those words over and over in his head? How many nights do you think he struggled with their meaning? How long do you think he agonized over who he really was?”

“And thus, the takeaway,” Reason said. “Without you, who would Spike be?”

I’m done looking to ponies for answers. Equestria doesn’t have any of those. Just more and more questions. Nav has a knack for finding answers, though. If anypony will be able to help me, it’ll be him. One day, I will know. One day, I will be… whole. Until then… Before he could continue thinking, his alarm clock started going off. Just like that, everything around me froze.

“I helped him find as many answers as I could. I hope they brought him peace.” It certainly didn’t seem like it, though.

“That is all a friend can do,” my guide said. “Are you prepared to move on?”

“I need to find a way to ensure that what happened with Spike doesn’t happen to anyone else,” I said. “Everyone saw what was happening with Spike, but nobody stepped in because he wasn’t a pony.”

“None of them would have seen anything wrong with their behavior before you showed up,” my guide said. “What do you really expect?”

“This is the part where I’d say a little bit of common fucking humanity, but…”

“But you realized you’re talking about an incredibly nationalistic, ignorant, racist species that are dealing with what they conceive to be a lesser species?”

“Yeah. That. I guess asking for some common humanity is difficult when they don’t actually have a common humanity. So I guess I need to find a way to change pony society, on the whole, to ensure potential cases of abuse don’t go unnoticed because the person being abused isn’t a fucking pony. Which, again, shouldn’t be rocket science.”

“It might not be rocket science, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. Undoing six thousand years of brainwashing will take time.”

“Yeah… I guess let’s move on.” My guide’s eyes pulsed and we jumped again.

We both ended up on top of the wall of my old house, overlooking the Everfree Forest. Eva was sitting on the wall, her legs dangling over the side toward the forest. She was just watching the trees sway in the wind.

Navarone had no intention of saving us, what sounded like Mimeo thought. Taya and Spike both were quick to confirm that he originally wanted nothing to do with us.

“That’s correct,” I said. “And I regret what I felt. But when I first met Mirror, she honestly scared me.”

Do you blame him? Poly thought. After meeting Mirror and seeing inside our head, I’m surprised he decided to give us a chance at all!

Do his original intentions even matter? Ganger internally asked. He did help us. Not only did he and Flo help cure our mind, but he gave us a stable place to stay!

At what cost? Mimeo thought. He said he would ask things of us later. From the rumors we heard in the hive and from what we’ve been able to learn here, he lives a dangerous life. Did we trade a life of obvious danger for a life of greater peril?

He also said we’d be free to leave as soon as we want, Poly thought. I’ve seen no reason to doubt his word. He may not have intended to come help us when he first agreed, but he did it anyway. If he says he’ll let us leave his side whenever we want, I say we stay with him for as long as we’re able. If nothing else, he’s earned my loyalty by his actions. Besides, where would we go if we tried to leave? You heard Doppel and Bonnie. Any changeling loyal to the hives would attack us on sight. Being on Nav’s side will protect us from that, at the very least.

And we have absolutely no money, so we wouldn’t have anywhere to stay, Ganger added. We could pretend to be a pony for a while to try to get enough love to sustain us, but… why? We’re capable of feeding off Nav and it doesn’t seem to bother him much. Give me a month or two in town and I can see about finding a few mares to feed on, too.

Bon-Bon said no feeding on random townsponies, Poly thought. We’re guests here. We can’t offend our hosts and we certainly don’t want to get Nav in trouble. Maybe if you ask first, but even then, I suggest caution.

Doppel has no such hesitation, Mimeo thought. She talks about the stallions and mares she feeds on all the time. I imagine Ganger’s method of feeding would be similar. Still, I also advise caution. If we are going to stay here, we must do nothing to bring undo attention on us. There is safety in inaction.

Inaction is a waste, Poly thought. Flo told us what a wonderful gift we have. I’m sure you all recognize it for what it is, now that she helped us declutter. What we have is something nobody else on the planet has, as far as she’s aware. Nav is giving us the opportunity to learn. We have to take it so we can discover more about the mind. If we can help others the way Flo helped us, we could save the lives of all the changelings who feed on anger!

That seems like an unrealistic goal, Ganger thought. There’s no way for us to replicate what Flo does. The magic that powers her is way beyond anything we could ever accomplish.

According to Nav, the humans found a way to do this, Mimeo thought. Flo learned how to do it from them. Also according to Nav, the humans did not have magic. That means the solution is non-magic. Flo was able to use her powers to hasten the process, but it’s likely doable without it. I’m not sure I would support such a goal, however.

It seems we’re all in agreement to stay now, at the very least, Poly thought. As for what comes next… Well, we have time to think about it. For the first time in our entire lives, it seems we’re… safe. Free, essentially. And it seems we have as much time as we need to think about our plans.

Are we all in agreement? Ganger asked. Eva, what are your thoughts?

“Look at that cool bird!” she said, pointing one out. Sure enough, it was actually a pretty impressive looking toucowl. There wasn’t actually any information for them in any bestiary I found, so I got to write the entry myself. They appeared to be a fairly even mix of a toucan and an owl. Oddly enough, they tasted closer to alligator than any bird, but that’s what you get for an Everfree animal. “I wonder what it does with that huge beak?”

Were you even paying attention? Mimeo asked.

“Tch, no. Of course we’re staying here. It’s where Nav is! Why would we want to be anywhere else?”

Because he’s dangerous? Mimeo thought. And I’m not sure if it matters much, but there are rumors in town that he’s well known for sleeping around.

So is Doppel, Ganger thought. I mean, who wouldn’t, if they had the chance and weren’t in a relationship?

I think he might have been concerned for me and Eva, Poly thought. Not that I think it would matter. Nav may go from mare to mare, but I’m sure he recognizes that Eva is young and wouldn’t bother her. As for me… Well, I’ll accede to Ganger’s opinion: Who doesn’t like the thought of a little fun? If the rumors are true, he’s experienced. I wouldn’t be opposed to my first time being with our savior.

That… does raise an interesting question, Mimeo thought. Should we… Well, should we try to stop Eva from… You know… watching?

“Whoa, it just ate a giant bug!” The toucowl was gulping down a squirming beetle about the size of my fist. The joke’s on the toucowl, because the bestiary entry for the beetle mentioned something about them being able to blow a hole in the side of anything that eats them with some kind of ‘magical’ reaction.

I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem, Ganger thought. There will always be two of us around to distract her at any given moment.

We’ve gotten a little far afield, Poly thought. Are we all in agreement about staying here?

I agree that we should stay, Ganger thought.

It’s an idea that we will need to revisit as things change, but for now, I agree.

“Why are we even still talking about—WHOA!” She shot straight to her hooves as the toucowl burst open. “WHAT THE BUCK?!” The beetle shot out of the bird’s corpse, flying away with its oversized wings. “DID YOU SEE THAT?!”

I am now considerably more enthusiastic about living here, Mimeo slowly thought.

So who wants to go see what everyone in the house is up to? Ganger asked. You know… far away from that thing.

He didn’t have to tell Eva twice. Her wings twitched and she jumped off the wall to gallop inside, making the memory freeze.

“You must always remember that you did help her,” Reason said from under me. I looked down and saw her standing with Fear and Hope. There wasn’t really room for all of us on top of the wall, I guess. I jumped down with them to make it easier for them to poke me in case there were other memories. “You originally had no intention to actually help them, but you did.”

“That’s right,” I said with a nod. “Flo and Spike convinced me that it was the right thing to do. Generally, I’d give Flo shit for forcing my mind to change or making me actually do something, but in this one particular instance, I’d forgive her if she did make me go save Eva.” Not that I’m accusing you, of course.

“What was it about Mirror that scared you so?” Fear asked.

“I dunno, maybe the fact that she was out in the scariest forest in the region pretending to be an animal to get sex? There’s also the fact that her personality was really grating. Oh, and when she showed up later, she had a different name and personality. Then her mask cracked a little before she finally left. All things told, it was more than enough red flags for me to write her off as a lost cause.”

“What was it that changed your mind?” Hope asked.

“Again, Flo and Spike. Flo helped me see that we could help her. Spike helped me see that we should help her. And so we did.”

“The only one that seemed bothered by your original intentions is Mimeo,” Reason said. “Does that surprise you?”

“No. Even then, I’m not entirely sure Mimeo actually cared. They understand that their first impression wasn’t the best. Eva asked me to adopt her. That told me everything I needed to know.”

“Do you have any thoughts on Poly wanting you to be her first?” Fear asked.

“No. What’s the takeaway from this one?”

“There is no need for your guilt,” my guide said. “They do not blame you. Forgive yourself for your original plan to abandon them.”

“Easier said than done, but… it’s good to hear it confirmed. I’m ready to move on.”

“Don’t you wanna hug me again?” Hope asked with a perfectly-practiced grin.

“No, that’s gay. Let’s go.” Her face instantly fell and tears welled in her eyes. That’s all I had time to see before we moved on.

We actually didn’t get very far, only ending up inside the house. Specifically, Taya’s bedroom. She was currently staring out the window. I was next to her, so I followed her gaze. At the moment, she was staring at my shirtless past-self, who was sparring with the naga.

Daddy doesn’t love me enough.

“Bullshit,” I immediately said.

Not like he loves other mares. He’s always so happy to give them all the time of day… and night. But not his precious little filly. Oh no, he refuses to even touch her! She isn’t good enough!

“That literally had nothing at all to do with what I told her. Was she just not even listening?”

This heat is awful! What Doppel showed me helped, but I know daddy could quench the fire I feel. He could make me feel amazing if he just loved me right! What do the other mares have that I don’t? I’m his filly! I’d do whatever he wanted me to!

“I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to see any of this,” I sighed, shaking my head. “Why are you so thirsty for my human dick?”

I just want to feel your touch, daddy… I know it feels good when it’s done right. I know you could make me feel like the best filly in the world, if you only loved me enough… What will it take? I’ve already dedicated myself to you! I’ve already killed for you! Why won’t you even give me a chance?!

She finally started crying, presumably in frustration. I sighed and hugged her. “Because what we want isn’t always what’s best for us. If I had ever done it, I never could have forgiven myself for the damage it would have done to you.”

“Were you ever tempted?” Reason asked.

“Not even for a second,” I immediately answered. It was absolutely true, too. No part of me ever wanted to touch Taya inappropriately.

I’ll find a way, daddy. It will happen! You will love me just as much as those other mares! I’ll become the best destruction mage in the world. I’ll hunt down all your enemies until it’s just you and me. And in the end, you’ll realize you don’t need those other mares anyway! All you ever needed was a loving filly raised from the beginning to be the perfect bride for daddy, if you’d only just get over yourself!

“Wow.” I decided to let her go, because it looked like one of her hooves was about to do something very inappropriate. Thankfully, the memory stopped before she could start. “Well, I’m honestly happy she never mentioned the bride thing. That would have been pretty awkward.”

“Compared to what, exactly?” Reason asked.

“I mean… Fuck. What’s the lesson here? I need some way to fix this!”

“There might not be a way to fix it,” Reason said. “At least, not while Taya is still affected by your pull.”

“I’ve already told her that it’ll never happen,” I said. “It’s more important for her to understand it now than ever, since she’s immortal.”

“Have you considered the potential upsides?” Reason asked.

“No, and I’m not going to. I don’t care if potential upsides might include regrowing my penis, I’m not molesting my filly.”

“Oh. Then I guess I’m not really needed here.” I hadn’t actually looked around, so I glanced back just in time for Reason to disappear.

That left me with Fear and Love. “Was she seriously just here to try to talk me into that?” I asked.

“Reason cares little for emotion or sentiment,” Love said. “If she suspected there were positives to sleeping with your filly, she would be quick to point them out.”

“Well, there aren’t any. So how can I fix this? Can I just love her enough or something?”

“Loving her more is exactly what she wants,” Fear said.

“I refuse to believe that’s love.”

“Which is, of course, correct,” Love replied. “Obviously giving in to your filly’s desires would only make the issue worse. Step one will be getting rid of the pull she feels. That has likely done the most to make her feel this way.”

“How sure are you that’s true?” I asked. “We don’t really see any kind of root for that desire here. I’d like to think it’s just my pull and not how badly I fucked up as a parent, but…”

“Step two will be cutting off the belly rubs and ear scritches,” Love said. “There is nothing wrong with holding your filly, but rubbing her is… unusual. And since it’s very likely she enjoys your touch a lot more than she should, minimizing contact would help.”

“It’ll hurt to deny her, but if I must…”

“It’s a shame that scaring her straight didn’t work,” Fear sighed. “All it did was make her hide it better.”

“For a while, until Aqua let her become immortal. Then the mask started slipping. I didn’t want to spank her, but I couldn’t let her just give me an ultimatum.”

“Parenting is never an easy endeavor,” Love said. “Mistakes are common.”

“Both of those are true statements, but I honestly don’t think they apply to me,” I said. “I spent too long looking for every excuse I could find to avoid spending time with her. I never wanted to be a parent and when it was forced on me, instead of stepping up to the plate and actually putting in the effort, I scorned the entire thing. She was broken when I got her and I did nothing to help put her back together. Now I’m facing the consequences of all my terrible decisions. Taya is effectively immortal. She is incredibly powerful. She has been touched by Discord. She wants to sleep with me. She is a complete and total manipulative brat who I have taught to use adorableness and lies to get her way. Every memory involving Taya so far has told me that I deserve every bit of misery that she is going to bring me in the coming years. But all the same, she doesn’t deserve this fate and she never did. Is this fixable?”

“One person cannot fix another,” Love said, reaching over to place a hoof on my shoulder. My guide snatched the hoof away before it could touch me. Love snorted and rolled her eyes, placing the hoof back down. “Taya’s behavior is being rewarded. Why would she ever bother changing?”

“That… is true.” I sighed and fell onto Taya’s bed. “I’m done hiding from it. I’m done kicking the can down the road. When I get out of this coma, I’m telling Taya everything I just told you. And then we’re going to iron out rules going forward, rules that we are both going to follow. This toxicity between us is… unsustainable. I’m sure she knows it just as much as I do, by now.”

“Right now, she’s terrified,” Fear said. “She knows that you would have stopped her, if Aqua hadn’t slithered in. Instead of addressing it with her, you just… brushed it aside.”

“I’ve spent so much time moving and doing that I haven’t really had time to think,” I said. “Although I feel if I had… Well, we can talk about the present when we get there. What’s the takeaway here?”

“You spelled it out better than we could,” my guide replied with a shrug. “You’re getting good at figuring it out.”

“...I’ve known all along. You’re just forcing me to confront it.” I finally groaned and stood back up. “Shall we continue?” The guide’s eyes flashed and off we went.

Once again, we didn’t go that far. The only difference is that the green grass had been replaced by trodden down snow, and now we were in the front yard. Celestia was there, along with a few guard squads and the Elements of Harmony.

“This is after Luna’s rave,” I said. “When she found out about Flo and had the overreaction to end all overreactions.”

“And tried to rape you,” Fear said.

“Yeah, that too. This is also when I told Celestia about Flo and showed her the laptop. I honestly forgot the girls were here. The only one who bothered to talk to me afterwards was Dash.”

“Why are we here, Princess?” past-Twilight asked. “What did Nav do this time? If Shiny’s here and you’re taking his axe, it had to be really bad…”

“Be at ease, Twilight,” Celestia said with a grin. “Nav is not in trouble. Luna uncovered a secret of his that he thought quite safe. They had a… disagreement about how to move forward. It almost devolved into blows at the party, but Nav left before it could get ugly and asked me to mediate. The guards are solely here as a matter of protocol.”

“Why were both guard captains here?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Captain Midnight was inside!”

“Because both guard captains happen to be friends of his,” Celestia replied. “Captain Midnight wanted to ensure he did not do anything rash. Captain Shining wanted to see what all the fuss was about and to see his sister before returning.”

“What secret did Luna discover?” Fluttershy asked. “And why did it upset Nav so much?”

“Navarone’s secrets are for Navarone to discuss,” Celestia replied. “Though two of you already know the answer, I believe.”

“Wait… did it involve time?” Twilight asked.

“Make that three of you,” Celestia said, her smile taking a hit. “I assumed you, of anypony, would have come to me as soon as you learned.”

“Navarone’s secrets are for Navarone to discuss,” Twilight replied with a shrug.

“BURN!” I shouted, shooting my hands in the air.

“Not when it involves him lying to my face,” Celestia said. “He told me there was nothing I need to be concerned about. What he showed me concerns me greatly.”

“Now I’m even more curious!” Pinkie groaned. “Three of you need to fess up! Nav’s journals are hidden better now, so I can’t keep up!”

“I’m siding with Twilight,” Applejack said. “Nav’s secrets are his own. Though I’m gonna wonder where those seeds of his came from forever!”

“Nav has good reasons not to trust anypony,” Fluttershy quietly said. “It’s no wonder he remains as tight-lipped as possible…”

“As it happens, I’m afraid I brought all of you out here for nothing,” Celestia said. “I thought I might need you all to help calm Nav down, but Luna has conceded the issue.”

“So… why are you taking his axe?” Twilight asked.

Celestia’s horn lit up brighter and the thing vanished. “He has a magic sword, Twilight. Why would he need an axe? Now, I’m afraid I must return to Canterlot. I have a few more things to discuss with Luna before she retires for the day.”

“Can we speak to Nav?” Dash asked.

“I believe he plans to go to bed soon, but I’m sure he would be happy to talk.”

Dash immediately started trotting to the door, but Twilight grabbed her tail with magic. “Just a moment, Rainbow Dash. Why would Luna finding out about this lead them to almost coming to blows? Nav is her knight!”

“That is exactly what I need to discuss with Luna. Nav may prefer violence as his primary solutions in some situations, but not against ponies. That means she instigated it. I intend to find out why.”

“Is she… okay?” Rarity asked. “Some of what Nav has said… worries me.”

“No. No she is not. Farewell for now, girls.” Celestia finally started walking to the gates. I’m sure the others probably had plenty more questions, but she was quite obviously not in the mood to answer them.

Twilight sighed, released Dash, and started following Celestia out. Dash grabbed the closest one to her, which happened to be Fluttershy, and started dragging her inside. Applejack rolled her eyes and joined Twilight. Rarity seemed conflicted before magicking a watch out. When she read the time, her eyes widened and she made it vanish before joining the exodus to the gate.

Pinkie grinned and skipped over next to Twilight. “So what kind of time secrets does Navi have, hm?” That grayed everything out, finally pausing the dream.

“It’s amazing how well Celestia was able to word that,” I said. “She’s a straight up professional.”

“A professional cunt,” Fear replied. I finally turned around to look. It was actually just her. “You didn’t really feel much but fear during this whole thing.”

“That’s because it was fucking terrifying. So aside from the fact that only a single one of my ‘friends’ cared to verify what Celestia said with me, what’s the takeaway here?”

“Oh, we aren’t quite done yet,” Fear said. She reached up to caress my face and we jumped to another vision, this time in Luna’s room. It was just her and Celestia. Celestia was pissed. Luna’s face was strangely blank and she wasn’t meeting her sister’s eyes.

“Do you understand what you have done?” Celestia coldly asked.

“You drove it in quite clearly this morning,” Luna quietly replied.

Celestia’s horn lit up and my axe appeared. She didn’t bother to hold it, so it fell to the floor with a clatter. “Navarone is finished with you, Luna. Completely and utterly. This is what comes from pretending to be me just to get in his pants!”

Luna’s eyes finally met her sister’s. “I was pretending to be you to show him that I could be something other than the monster he sees. And yet it was for naught…”

“You didn’t learn your lesson after he almost stood you up? That’s literally exactly why he did it! You will never win the affections of anypony… anything with lies, Luna!”

“It seems to work pretty well for the two of us, dearest sister. Or did you learn how to actually move the sun in my absence?”

“I’m loving these sick burns!” I said.

“Do not give voice to such things!”

“It’s only a matter of time before Nav tells everypony. We both know it, sister.”

“Navarone prefers his skin attached to his body. He has published a few books I told him were not allowed, but none of the more egregious ones. There is one redeeming thing we discovered from your latest debacle, at least.”

“And what is that?” Luna bitterly asked.

“That Navarone is willing to go on a date with me. If I can manage to wrap him around my hoof before his date of departure, perhaps I can convince him to stay.”

“You expect me to recoil from the blow. I know you well enough for that, at least. Yet all I feel is… numb. I do not think I have ever seen Nav… angry with me. Yet the look on his face when he saw me for who I was… After the shock passed, it was pure rage, sister. I have accomplished that which we once thought impossible and in doing so, I have ruined any chance of reconciliation.”

“Nav said you knew about this… Flo, the fake intelligence in his head. Why did you not tell me?”

“I suspected he had become corrupt, as I was. As I… am, it seems. I was hoping to help him before banishment became necessary, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject with him.”

“Which is why you should have come to me. What did I tell you about these things, Luna?”

“That I could do as I pleased as long as I let you know to clean up after me.”

“That was over six thousand years ago, Luna! You are no longer a little filly! Truly, it amazes me that you tried leading a coup. What were you expecting to do if you won, Luna? Try to rule this empire all by yourself? The entire thing would go belly-up overnight! You have to think these things through!”

Luna’s horn lit up and three massive books appeared, each seemingly ancient. “I actually wrote up all the plans for my new government well in advance. Navarone found them while scouring the castle in the Everfree for the dream machine. It would have been a strong military dictatorship with emphasis on public service, community, and aggressive expansion. I had timelines drawn up for multiple wars that would have eradicated several problem species that still plague us to this day, like the changelings, dogs, and griffins. My projection is that by now, there would only be three factions left: Ponies, dragons, and all those who swore to obey us as vassal races. Instead, you destroyed about seventy percent of Equestria’s entire military force with a comet.”

“They were not Equestria’s military force. They were traitors who died in rebellion and obscurity. Count yourself lucky that I waited until I knew you were gone.”

“I would have rather died with my soldiers in Ponero than live imprisoned on the moon for a thousand years under the heel of a tyrant.”

Celestia took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “We cannot allow Nav to come between us, Luna.”

“Then stop using his affections like a weapon against me. Have I not suffered enough for my transgressions?”

“What?” Celestia blurted out. “Luna… how have you suffered since you returned? You raped Navarone at least once. Probably more times than that, if I had to guess. You’ve mistreated him, lied to him, hurt him, and brought all kinds of misery upon him. And your only punishment for any of it was a requirement that you stay in Canterlot. A requirement that you have repeatedly broken, I might add. How many times did you ferry Nav to the moon? Or secretly visit him in Ponyville? You have ruined a relationship with an extremely capable ally with your actions, Luna. He is no longer a knight and I couldn’t even convince him to become an Umbral! So tell me exactly how you’re suffering, Luna. Because to me, it looks like all you’ve done is cause it!”

“I have to go without his touch while you lord it over me!”

“So your reply to the list of all the horrible things you’ve done to Nav is that because you no longer get to hold him, you’re the victim?”

“What did you expect to happen to him when you forced me to befriend him at all costs?!”

“Uh. I expected you to… befriend him? Not rape him. Not torture him! What were you even thinking?!”

“That I had finally found one strong enough to withstand my love…”

“That’s psychotic!” Celestia and I both yelled at the same time. I actually wanted to high-hoof her, but I couldn’t reach across time.

“All throughout my life, that is what loving you has felt like, Celestia. I loved Nav exactly the way you showed me how to!”

Celestia sighed and reached up to rub her temple. “I’m afraid I’ll have to delve into Nav’s sub-speak for this one.” She set her hoof back down and glared her sister down. “Luna, you are a grown-ass mare. Act like it. Let your obsession for Nav go. He is forever lost to you now.”

“Not forever,” Luna coldly said. “He left me one out! I was watching, sister. I knew you would twist his words! He said he’ll forgive me if I confess!”

“He said he might. And from the look on his face when he said it, I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”

“It is a chance. It is the only chance!”

“It is suicide and I won’t allow it.”

“If I cannot hold him in my hooves, then life isn’t worth living!”

Celestia blinked a few times before sighing and shaking her head. “This has gone on long enough. I forbid it. I forbid any mention of Nav. He is dead to you, as you are to him. That is the end of it, Luna.”

Luna smirked and her horn lit up. “You have no power in my room, Celestia.” Hundreds of hidden runes carved into the walls suddenly lit up and Celestia completely froze. Luna trotted forward and pressed her horn against her sister’s head. “Everything I am, I am thanks to you, dearest sister.” After what I assumed was some memory modification, Luna stepped back and the light around her horn vanished. Just like that, all the runes vanished.

A few seconds later, Celestia blinked. “Luna, are you… sure? If you tell everypony… you can still recover from Nightmare Moon. You can still be my little sister, Princess of the Night. But if you tell everypony what happened with Nav, it will be forever lost to you.”

“I am positive,” Luna said with a nod.

“Well then. I hope Navarone appreciates your determination. Many stallions would kill for a mare who would stop at nothing for their heart.”

“Everything will fall into place, Celestia,” Luna said with a smile. “You’ll see! Soon, my precious human will forgive me and all will be well again!”

That memory finally vanished, putting us back in my courtyard. “It was not all well again,” I said, crossing my arms.

“So, Luna was told that Celestia would clean up her messes six thousand years ago,” Fear said. “And she tried trotting that excuse out twice.”

“We’re dealing with someone who has some very serious mental illnesses. I know what happened to me when Flo cured my depression, so I’m hesitant to suggest having an elemental just fix her, but… All the evidence I’ve seen is damning. She has way too much power and knowledge to be running around with this kind of mental damage.”

“You have been adamant about not using the elementals to force anything on your followers,” my guide said. “Are you changing your mind?”

“No. I can’t force anything on Luna. I’m going to talk to Blaze and Char and see if either would be willing to take her as a host. I believe I can talk her into it. A fire wouldn’t be able to completely change her overnight, but he would be able to keep her in check so she can’t hurt anyone or do anything stupid.”

“You can’t just keep assigning your incredibly powerful, useful servants as babysitters,” Fear said.

“I can when the baby they’re sitting is considerably more powerful and useful, with the wonderful addition of a lifetime of emotional abuse and horrors. Especially when combined, they’d make an even more formidable team. I saw how well Blaze and Luna worked together in the ship at the bunker. I’d like to see how they’d do given an army. And Flo isn’t babysitting Taya, she’s just making sure Taya doesn’t do something absolutely fucktarded when given direct access to my brain. Which, given what I’ve seen in the coma so far, was actually pretty likely.”

“So what do you take away from this?” my guide asked.

“That I don’t want to trust myself alone with Luna. She is everything Celestia was. The only difference is that she feels the pull so strongly that she chose to obey rather than doing everything in her power to control. The thing is, if this is how she chose to obey Celestia, I’m curious when or if she’ll ever try it on me.”

“Celestia hurt her again and again,” Fear said. “And Luna struck out. Unfortunately, you were her target.”

“Nobody is debating that Luna is a victim. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s probably the most dangerous person on the continent right now. Between sheer magical strength, combat potency, and her mental instability, she could crack in a heartbeat and go on an unstoppable rampage.”

“Flo will put a bug in Char’s ear about approaching Luna,” my guide said.

“I’ll do it when I get out. I want to talk to everyone first. I doubt Luna will go for it until I do. So what’s the real takeaway here?”

“That you don’t want to trust yourself alone with Luna,” Fear said. “She is everything Celestia was.”

“Of course.”

“Also, all of your friends in Ponyville knew something bad happened between you and Luna, but only Rainbow Dash thought to push you for more information, or check to see if you were okay.”

“That’s to be expected. It’s what comes from being a depressed asshole for most of my time here.”

“Are you prepared to move on?” my guide asked.

“Sure, why not.” Her eyes flashed and we jumped further forward.

We appeared in a heavily junglified version of Rarity’s boutique. Twilight and all five of her favorite friends were there. Rarity looked concerned. Twilight looked… at peace. Pinkie seemed depressed. The others were confused.

“Why did you bring us all here?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking over at Rarity.

“Have you read today’s paper?” Rarity quietly asked.

“Who ever bothers with that?” Dashie flippantly asked.

Rarity’s horn lit up and the paper appeared on the ground between them all, facing Dash. On the front cover was a picture of Luna during the speech, alongside a picture of my horrified face right before I fled. The title was “Historic Confession of Vile Misdeeds!”. Dash immediately snatched it and started reading. Her eyes immediately shot wide open.

“It’s awful!” Rarity moaned, actually bursting into tears. “Luna’s a monster! She did such terrible things to him!”

“That explains things,” Twilight said. “I was wondering why they left early.”

The paper fell from Dash’s hooves and she shot forward, getting all up in Twilight’s face. “What do you mean, left?! And what do you mean, early?!”

Twilight’s horn lit up and Dash got forced away. “I’ve been privy to… some of what’s been going on with Nav. He told me he was leaving and that if I told anypony else, he’d be gone the next day without a word. He was planning to leave when it came time for the party, but I guess he wanted to get out ahead of the news…”

“He did leave a note for you, though,” Pinkie said, pulling it out of her hair.

Dash got all up in Pinkie’s personal bubble just long enough to snatch the note. “How did you know?!” Dash demanded. “And why did he leave it with you but not tell me?!”

“I saw the airship coming while on the way to watch Taya sleep,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “Then I saw Nav packing up. He gave me the note right before leaving.”

“Why were you going to watch a little filly sleep?” Applejack asked. I hadn’t noticed, but at some point, she had grabbed the paper. Fluttershy was reading it over her shoulder and silently crying.

“I watch everypony sleep. It would be weird if I didn’t include Taya, too!”

“This note is worthless!” Dash yelled, throwing it to the ground. “It doesn’t say where he’s going, when he’ll be back, or if he’ll bring me any cool souvenirs!”

“So, Nav is gone,” Twilight said. “Where is anypony’s guess. He refused to tell me. Spike went with him.”

“Spikey-wikey is gone?!” Rarity shrieked, lunging at Twilight. Thankfully, Twilight shut that shit down hard and tossed Rarity onto one of her ridiculous lounge chair things so she could sob dramatically somewhere else.

“He felt he didn’t have any reason to stay,” Twilight said. “He told me a few months ago, after Nav got hurt. I had a lot of talks with him about it and I honestly can’t disagree with him. He is a dear friend and always will be, but his place isn’t in Equestria. He’ll outgrow us all in time. It’s better that he meet dragons that he can start a family with.”

“And what about Nav?” Applejack asked, finally just hoofing the paper to Fluttershy. “Why did he leave?”

“Are you seriously asking that?” Dash asked. “You read that paper!”

“Alright, let me rephrase that, then. Where could he even go? There ain’t nothing out there!”

“That’s observably false,” Twilight said. “Nav has done a very good job of teaching me that there is more outside of Equestria than I ever knew. The griffin kingdom is massive and powerful. The changeling hives are scary and exotic. The kingdom of cats is brutal and hedonistic. And right now, Nav is welcome in all of them. Given his treatment here… I’m surprised he didn’t leave sooner.”

“So… what do we do now?” Dash slowly asked.

“There’s nothing we can do,” Twilight said. “I mean, theoretically, I could teleport him back. But if I did, he would probably be… extremely upset.”

“Do it!” Dash yelled.

“Oh no, I don’t think you understand. By extremely upset, I mean the first thing he would do is draw his sword. He made it very clear that he was leaving, period, and that any attempts to stop it would end extremely poorly.”

“So I have a slightly better question,” Applejack said. “What are we supposed to do about this?” She reached around and pointed to the newspaper, still held in Fluttershy’s trembling hooves. “Something’s rotten in Canterlot. We’re the Elements of Harmony. Ain’t it our duty to do something about this?”

“I’m down for ruining Luna’s day!” Dash yelled. “After everything she’s done, she deserves it!”

“There… might be a slight problem,” Fluttershy quietly said.

“What’s that?” Dash asked. “We can take her!”

“It… it says here… Princess Celestia knew the whole time…”

Twilight’s horn lit up and the paper flew over in front of her. She quickly skimmed past all the fun stuff about Luna to read the tiny little footnote at the bottom. “Oh. Oh no…”

“...I’ll never wonder why he lies again,” Applejack said. “And I forgive him of almost all of them. If you can’t trust Princess Celestia, you can’t trust anypony.”

“That… doesn’t make sense,” Dash said. “How could Celestia have known? She would have summoned us to deal with her!”

Twilight looked over to Rarity, who had mostly recovered from the fact that her personal dragon slave had departed. “Rarity, would you like to tell the others about our trip to Detrot?”

“I would, but… I wasn’t there…”

“What does this have to do with… Wait, yes you were!”

“I was not,” Rarity said. “Though my body was… with Navarone inside of it.”

“Wait, what?” Applejack said.

“I know a fun little spell that allows two ponies… or a pony and a human to trade bodies,” Rarity said. “Nav and I made a bet and swapped to see if anypony would notice. While the mayor was attempting to rape him in my body, I was actually being raped by Celestia.”

“Wait, the mayor tried to rape Nav?” Twilight asked. “You didn’t mention that part!”

“I didn’t know that part!” she said. “Not until recently. Nav told me after… I received a letter. It’s a moot point, because the mayor is dead. Nav killed him and got a changeling to temporarily replace him. The real point is, Celestia is… is… she’s a horny old cougar who uses us as cheap labor! She made you go to Detrot so she could let Nav buck her for two days straight!”

“That’s kinda hot,” Pinkie said.

“Closer to disgusting,” Applejack said. “So yeah, ain’t it our duty to deal with this?”

“It… is,” Twilight slowly said. “I’m just not sure… how. I mean… This is obviously too far. But we can’t go to the princess and… Well, she’s the only one who knows how to get to the Elements. Nav’s key could probably do it, but that’s no longer an option.”

“We have to do something!” Fluttershy yelled. “Nav is our friend!”

“It doesn’t matter if he’s our friend or not,” Applejack said. “Nothing deserves any of what happened to him and if the two rulers of our country are doing those kinds of things… Then maybe it’s time for new rulers.”

“Whoa, hold on there,” Twilight said, eyes going wide. “You can’t mean… Not Celestia!”

“Celestia hid what Luna did to Nav,” Applejack said. “You think she’d hide what Luna did to anypony else? Me, I’d wager yes. That’s pure corruption!”

“And evil,” Dash added with a nod. “We have to form a resistance!”

“I bet the naga would help!” Pinkie said, jumping in place. “Nav’s a member of their clan! They’d love to tangle with the princess!”

Before they could continue ineptly planning a coup, someone banged on the door, making everyone squeak. Moments later, it slammed open and a full squad of day guards entered, followed by an extremely irate Midnight Blossom. “You are all under arrest,” she called out. “For suspicion to hide multiple high crimes and to aid and abet a criminal.”

“You can’t be serious!” Dash yelled. “Look at the newspaper! Why are you arresting us and not the princesses?!”

“Luna is already behind bars and the only thing stopping Celestia from joining her is that she is Celestia. I suggest you come quietly. Shining Armor is currently at the library looking for Twilight, but he’ll be heading here as soon as he discovers she’s gone.”

“So why are you arresting us?” Twilight asked.

“Navarone told me that several of you knew some of what happened to him. I intend to discover how much each of you knew.”

“Then you’re wasting your time with Applejack and Fluttershy,” Twilight said. “Nav hasn’t told them anything.”

“I’m not going to call that a coincidence,” Blossom said. “He didn’t name either. Very well, then. Applejack and Fluttershy, leave now and escape arrest.”

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Applejack said, plopping right down.

“If you’re going to Canterlot, I’m going with you!” Fluttershy said. “I need to yell at Celestia before I lose my will!”

“Fine, whatever, then you’re all under arrest!”

“Did Nav seriously send you to arrest us?!” Dash demanded.

“No, he asked me not to,” Blossom replied. “All I promised him is that I would wait until he departed. Watcher is gone, along with all his ponies. The scout we sent to Nav’s house reports that it’s silent. So that means it’s time for you all to come with me.”

“We won’t resist,” Twilight said. “And we’ll tell you everything we know, which isn’t as much as you’d think. We knew that Nav had trouble with the princesses, but this is… this is horrific.”

“The very fiber of Equestria is being challenged,” Blossom sighed. “The choices ponies like Captain Armor and I make in the coming days will shape the fate of the entire country going forward. Your cooperation is welcome. Guards, detain them.” Several more redshirts started filing in and that’s when the memory finally froze.

“They aren’t really redshirts,” Reason said. “More like gold.”

“Man, whatever,” I said. “So, it’s nice to see the girls actually ready to go after the princesses for me. You know, until the usual tyranny kicked in and they got busted by the woman. I’m willing to bet Celestia did a little snip-snip with them too, huh?”

“There’s only so much memory modification can do,” my guide said.

“Comforting. So what’s the takeaway here?”

“Despite what they may have thought of you as a person, all of the girls were prepared to do what was right,” Reason said. “Though some of them may have had hesitations about going after Celestia herself.”

“Then they weren’t prepared to do what was right,” I said. “Applejack was correct. Something was rotten in Equestria. That something was Princess Celestia. Get rid of her and Luna becomes putty in the hands of whoever happens to own her loyalty.”

“Should that not be all the more reason to maintain your pull?” Reason asked.

“No, that’s retarded. I need to get rid of that thing as quickly as possible. It has brought me almost nothing but misery and agony my entire time here. I’m not sure I’ll necessarily need the pull to keep everyone close.”

“The central thing keeping your incredibly diverse crew of psychotic killers together is their intense fascination with you,” Reason said. “Get rid of that and all you’re left with is a group of psychotic killers. Given enough time, they’ll do what all psychotic killers do.”

“If none of the people in my crew have formed any stronger bonds with anyone else in this crew at this point, then I’ve failed hard enough as a leader that I deserve those consequences. I’m confident that I’ll maintain the crew that I have even without this bullshit pull. Minus maybe Luna, who’s probably been the most affected by it.”

“And if Luna refuses to see sense and murders you because it ruined her life?”

“Now you’re just being dramatic. I’m kinda surprised Rarity was so open with that information about what happened with her and Celestia. I figured Celestia would have done some snipping there, too.”

“Again, it has limitations,” my guide said. “Things have to be recent. With Rarity, it had been almost a week. And besides, she had been in Celestia’s room for two days. Trying to get two days after that long would be difficult and might result in other memory losses.”

“To be honest, I’m surprised Celestia didn’t just rip the entire month away. I can’t imagine how awkward that conversation must have been. Did Rarity call her a horny old cougar to her face?”

“Rarity is still alive, so I would assume no,” Reason said.

“Good, then I’m gonna steal that line. So, friends do sometimes pull through, even if it is several years too late after several of them mistreated me too. So if Celestia didn’t snip their memories, how did that meeting go?”

“Individually,” my guide said. “Over the course of several long hours, answering quite a lot of questions until finally, she did what she does best.”

“Oh. That manipulative cunt.”

“Says the one who talks about manipulating her own filly,” my guide said, reaching over to boop me.

“Which is, again, my job as a parent. Get over yourself, Flo-lite.”

“Oh, would you rather I be Aqua-lite?”

“No. I’d rather you be my guide.”

“Then shall we carry on, oh wayward one?” she sarcastically replied.

“Yeah.” Her eyes flashed and on we went.

This time, we were in a huge field of rolling hills with a few huge trees here and there. It looked like things were moving around the trees, but they were all too far away to see clearly. Twilight and her brother were sitting across from each other, a wooden stump between them. “Interrogation room?” I asked.

“That would be correct,” my guide said.

“So you read some of Nav’s journals?” Shiny asked. “Why didn’t you tell anypony what was in them?”

“Because he added in so much nonsense that it was impossible to tell what was real and what wasn’t. For reasons that are now pretty obvious, he was paranoid. There was an entry where he says he paraded as a masked pony at his first Gala here to seduce me. There was another entry where he stayed with Luna the whole night. It was impossible to figure out the things I didn’t have direct knowledge of.”

“That is… so like him,” Shiny sighed, shaking his head. “You know, he told me about some of this once. At the Europe party, when he told me he was leaving…”

“He told you, too?!”

“He did,” Shiny said. “And that if I told anypony at all, that he was gone. He said the same to Cadance. Now that I know more, I understand why.”

“Well, it’s been a while, but I can tell you what little I do remember from what he wrote. I can also add in some of the other things I know. But I want to know how you’re planning on taking down Celestia.”

“Luna’s the weak link,” Shiny said. “We can’t hit them both at once. If we can convict Luna properly, then we’ll begin building the case against Celestia. But you know it won’t be easy, Twilight.”

“The right thing rarely is. The girls… they were talking about trying to fight! We can’t just sit back and wait for you to conduct an investigation. There has to be something for us to do!”

Shiny sighed and leaned back. “Who would have thought Nav would ever cause this?”

“Nav didn’t cause a thing,” Twilight said. “He’s the victim, Shiny. Luna caused this. And Celestia hid it.”

“And we’re going to try to convict her, but… she’s Princess Celestia. Despite an actual confession in front of several witnesses… And given that the victim wasn’t a pony—”

“That doesn’t make a bit of difference!” Twilight shouted, slamming both her hooves on the table. “Nav’s every bit as intelligent as any pony, and moreso than most!”

“It shouldn’t make a difference,” Shiny said. “But as Nav himself taught me, many things that should be, aren’t and many things that are, shouldn’t be. Luna is a princess. She abused something that was not a pony. Any court will take those facts heavily into consideration.”

“If they’ve done such horrible things to Nav, I refuse to believe they haven’t done worse.”

“Oh, they have,” Shiny said. “Nav told me that Celestia has modified my mind. I apparently discovered something she wanted hidden. And if he knows about a single instance, I can’t help but wonder how many might have slipped my notice entirely.”

“...I have missing time around Celestia, too,” Twilight slowly said. “I never thought about it in that way, but… Would she really…?”

“What crimes could they have hidden? What monstrous deeds have the princesses done? I fear nopony will ever know the depth of their evil. It’s… insidious.”

“What can we do to help you?” Twilight asked.

“Let’s start with your missing time,” Shiny said. “Tell me about that.” The memory finally froze as Twilight started yammering on.

“This obviously didn’t go very far,” I said. “Twilight was right back up Celestia’s ass the next time I saw her, a few months later.”

“Not entirely,” my guide said. “Not enough. This event shook Twilight and all of her friends. It is part of why she is now your little Twiggles.”

“So what’s the takeaway here?”

“Twilight spelled it out quite clearly. You are not, nor were you ever, at fault for what happened. In all of this, you are just a victim.”

“Duh. Even with the pull, every person who did horrible things to me had a choice to make. Mind, I’ve done some pretty fucked up things myself, but not raping someone is a lot easier than actually raping them.”

“When Luna confessed the way she did, she made you a victim yet again,” my guide said. “That was not your fault.”

“How is that not my fault?” I asked. “That was my ultimatum. My mistake was thinking she wouldn’t be dumb enough to actually do it.”

“Luna had a choice to make,” my guide said. “She knew she hurt you. You offered her a chance at forgiveness. She took it.”

“...I will never forget the look in her eyes,” I said. “The memory haunts me.”

“Why did you run?” my guide asked. “When she confessed in front of all of those reporters, why did you flee?”

“Because I never intended to forgive her. That was a lie. I just wanted to watch the two of them burn. And I ran because I saw the hope in her eyes. She honestly, legitimately believed I would forgive her.”

“So why did you run? Why not just tell her? Why not just tell all the world that what she did was unforgiveable?”

“Because I am a single human against two giants. Two literal goddesses who have been using me as a plaything from day fucking one. One of those giants just confessed to all the world that she had been doing whatever she pleased to me while the other just watched. Why wouldn’t I run?”

“You’re a coward.”

“I’m not an idiot. What was I supposed to do? Should I have told her that I wouldn’t forgive her and that she should go fuck herself?”

“In that moment, you stood a titan. You had the power of the entire crowd at your fingertips, Nav. All the reporters, all the knights, all the guards, everything. Luna gave you all the cards. And you threw them away.”

“I will admit that I could have handled things better.”

“You ran, tail between your legs, the instant you had the chance. Victory in your hands for the first time in a long time and you ran.”

“I have a survival instinct. From the moment Fancy told me we weren’t going to the castle exit, it started going haywire. By the time we got to where Luna was having the meeting, so many signals were going off in my head. Little alarm bells, things telling me that I needed to be somewhere else. Watching Luna confess is probably the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.”

“You’ve literally seen into hell,” my guide said.

“It meant any chance I ever had of being a nobody again was gone. I wanted to go about the world, free the elementals, and find a place to settle down where I could live in peace. After Luna’s confession, I would always be known as the victim.”

“You are not at fault for what others do.”

“I knew Luna was insane. I knew she would stop at nothing to get me. When I gave her that ultimatum, I knew she would do it. I knew she would be crazy enough to actually fucking do it. I took advantage of Luna’s mental illness to score a hit against them both and I didn’t even realize what I had done until it was too late.”

“You. Are not. Luna.”

“I knew—” She actually covered my mouth with water.

“You suspected. She made the choice.”

“...And I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for it.”

“There is nothing that says you have to forgive anything. You just have to stop blaming yourself. That is for victims.”

“Will I ever be able to forget her eyes in that moment?”

“No. Are you ready to move on?”

“I’m starting to see why this coma spell has such a bad reputation. It seems so easy to get lost in memories…”

“Generally speaking, those who turn inward for answers would be much better off searching outward instead.”

“Let’s move on.” Her eyes pulsed and we finally went onward.

I appeared alone in a maze of boxes. My rifle was slung around my shoulder and my sword was in my belt. As soon as I looked around, I heard Miguel’s laughter. “Oh, I’m in Stalliongrad,” I said, drawing my sword. “When Miguel stabbed me in the back with a cursed vampiric dagger while Taya was freaking out.”

“And Flo panicked,” Miguel replied, his voice echoing all around me. “Leaving you almost entirely helpless…”

“And yet my filly and I were the ones who walked away.” I finally started walking, since I figured I wasn’t going to get any useful directions. At this point, I was much better skilled and could hopefully wipe the floor with him.

“Why did you come here?” Miguel asked.

“Discord tricked my filly, getting her to bring me here.”

“The coma, Navi. Why did you enter it?”

“Because I felt helpless. Because my body and mind were not my own. Because I needed a change and didn’t know how else to enact it. Why were you here, Miguel? What hold over you did Discord have?”

“He saved me in the revolution. He called it a favor for a favor, something to be cashed in later. While I was in Stalliongrad, he came to me and told me what I had to do.”

“He’s not here, now. We don’t have to fight.”

“He is everywhere you are, is he not?” Just like that, one of his paws reached around from behind me to slice one of my cheeks. I tried snatching it, but he was too quick. When I whirled around, he was already jumping backward. Before I could charge, he vanished in midair with a grin.

“…According to him,” I said, continuing to walk. The blood trickling down my cheek didn’t particularly bother me.

“Do you really think driving you to this coma wasn’t his plan?”

“Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. I’m here now.” I finally came to a four way intersection of boxes. The path leading right quickly veered off. The path straight ahead was narrow but clear for a while. The path leading left was wider, but had several more offshoots.

The unknown was slightly better than two options I knew were shitty, so I turned right and walked straight into the nicest jail cell I’ve ever seen. Luna was behind the bars. Celestia stood on the other side.

“Why are you here?” Luna asked.

“It isn’t often I have the opportunity to visit family in their time of need,” Celestia smugly replied. “Aren’t you happy your dear older sister came to visit you in prison?”

“You laugh now, but I know Shining Armor and Midnight Blossom are both still working on a way of taking you down.”

“Shining Armor need no longer concern either of us.”

“Oh? Did you finally take my advice and put that worthless stallion down?”

Celestia finally smiled. “The Crystal Empire returned. I sent Cadance to collect her birthright. Her husband, of course, went with her. Their lovely little alicorn foal has been left here in Canterlot, where it’s safe.”

“So you mean to let Sombra deal with them both and try again with Skyla.”

“Once they’ve both almost certainly perished, I’ll send in a trusted group to deal with him. With Skyla in my hooves, it will be easy to enforce governorship over their so-called empire. She will be much more grateful than her mother, I assure you.”

“So how do you intend to deal with Captain Midnight?”

“Any case she can build against me hinges on there being a case against you. If you aren’t convicted of anything, by definition, I can’t be either.”

“I confessed, sister. In front of enough witnesses that there can be no denial of my guilt. If I go to the gallows, it is with a heart finally unburdened.”

“Well, we’re in a fairly ideal position at the moment. Shining Armor is the only one with a shield powerful enough to keep you in. He is no longer here. Of course, he isn’t officially gone yet. I ordered that no word of it be spread, so that you would have no way of finding out.”

“I chose to enter these bars, Celestia. If Navarone cannot forgive me for what I have done, then I will accept whatever may come.”

“So here is the plan,” Celestia said. “You are going to escape. When you escape, you are going to your room and grabbing whatever you may need for an extended vacation.”

“I am going nowhere until it is ordered by the Courts of Equestria.”

Celestia grinned and reached through the bars to cup her sisters cheek. “My dear, sweet little Luna… I am Equestria. I am the courts. I am the law. I am everything to these ponies. I am Princess bucking Celestia. And you are done disobeying me, Luna.” She finally pulled her hoof back and stood up straight to stare Luna down. “Every choice you made led you to where you are right now. Your life is your fault, Luna. No more. I tried giving you fewer restrictions. I tried letting you live in peace and in luxury. But you couldn’t handle it. So if it’s war you want, it is war you shall have. An eternity of it, as much as you can possibly want. So when I leave this disgusting prison, you are going to be one step behind me. You are going to get whatever you require. And then you are going to Tartarus.”

“And if I refuse?”

“I will have Navarone hunted down and executed in front of you. I’ll be in touch.” Celestia’s horn lit up and she teleported away without another word. That ended the memory, putting me back in the maze. I had gotten further ahead while in the memory, but didn’t have any new injuries.

“Where exactly do you think you’re going?” Miguel asked. “All of these paths lead to one place, you know…”

I finally sheathed my sword, lifted up my rifle, and turned on the thermal vision. As far as I could tell, he wasn’t anywhere in the building. So as soon as I lowered the rifle, I slammed it behind me, catching him in the chest with the butt of the gun. He staggered back and disappeared before I could try to finish him.

Since the rifle obviously wasn’t going to be useful, I slung it again, drew my sword, and continued to walk. Miguel finally stayed silent, so I had time to think about the last memory. Celestia was going to let Shiny and Cadance die, then send Twilight to avenge him. With Skyla’s parents dead, she would be putty in Celestia’s evil hooves. And instead of allowing Luna to do the right thing, she forced her to run.

“Is it any surprise that Celestia is evil?” Miguel asked.

“No. I’m just… tired of seeing it. The ponies deserved better.”

“And so you decided it was your place to give it to them.” This time, he appeared in front of me. My sword swung up to block the cursed knife he was thrusting at me. His other paw reached in and tried to scratch my other cheek, but I lunged forward and headbutted him, knocking him to the ground and sending the cursed dagger sliding across the floor. Right as I tried kicking him, he vanished, putting me off balance and almost knocking me to the floor.

Thankfully, he left the dagger behind when he vanished. I picked the evil thing up and stabbed it into a wooden box. Once I was sure it was stuck in place, I slammed my sword down on it, slicing the handle straight off the blade. The dagger screeched as it was sundered. When the handle finally hit the floor, I continued walking without a word.

“That was a gift, you know,” Miguel said, almost sounding personally affronted.

“Then it sounds like you should have chosen your allies better. My friends give much nicer gifts.”

It took me about another minute to get to an intersection. This time, there were only two paths forward. The path on the right led to a fairly wide walkway. The path on the left led to a box that I could easily use to get onto the other boxes. That’s obviously the path I chose.

I appeared in the throne room of the Crystal Empire with Shining Armor and Cadance. The lack of guards meant this was before I arrived. “Celestia sent us here to die,” Shining Armor said.

“The evidence seems to point that way,” Cadance sighed.

“...Twilight was right.”

“It’s more rare when she’s wrong, honey. What did she say this time?”

“She and the Elements of Harmony wanted to fight. What Celestia did was monstrous. Captain Midnight and I wanted to take her down legally. We thought the only way we could legitimately try removing her was with the courts, but…”

“But she is the court,” Cadance sighed, hanging her head. “And she sent us here, probably to die to this cloud of dark magic. All for trying to investigate her crimes.”

“...What are we going to do, Cadance? How are we going to survive this?”

“We have to hold on, Shiny. Celestia has been grooming me for this role for a very long time. I can see it all quite clearly, now that Nav has ripped the blinders of innocence from our eyes. She wants this city.”

“It’ll be hard to take it if a haze of black magic takes it and digs in deep.”

“Which means that she does not intend to let that happen. Celestia will send somepony else after she thinks we’re dead, somepony who will be able to help us.”

“Or who might be ordered to make sure we don’t come back.”

“So what are we going to do, Shiny?” Cadance asked. “There is no running. The train left us here. With that black magic, we can’t teleport out. We are… trapped. All we can do is wait and hope.”

“I… feel like I might be going mad, honey.”

“I’ve felt the same way for a long time, dear.”

“I actually… wish Nav was here. Some part of me feels like he would know what to do.”

“Nav is far from here,” Cadance said. “Retired, living a life of love and peace. Don’t wish him into this dark place. He has had his unfair share of trials and tribulations. This one is ours to face and beat, Shiny. We just have to… hold on long enough to do it.”

“I can defend you for a thousand lifetimes, my love,” Shiny said. “We will live to bring justice back to Equestria.”

“It will be a joyous day. We just have to figure out how to get there…”

The memory ended, putting me on a stairway of boxes leading straight up into the sky, as far as my eyes could see. I was surrounded on all other sides by an impenetrable wall of them. Since I didn’t really have any other choices, I started climbing the crates.

“You enjoyed stealing their victory,” Miguel whispered.

“No, that’s not true,” I said. “I enjoyed stealing Twilight’s victory. I didn’t give their victory any thought.”

“Your friend. The one who sheltered and helped you from the very beginning. And you wanted to steal her victory.”

“She was acting all kinds of selfish, saying it was for a personal test from Celestia and shit. As soon as I heard that, my goal became to make sure she failed it.”

“Some friend you are…”

“Some friend she is. Some sister, for that matter. She wasn’t there to help Shiny or Cadance. She just wanted to—”

I heard clothes flapping above me, so I jumped back a box as he landed where I had been standing. My sword sliced out to try and take out his legs, but he jumped over it and tossed a powder on the ground before disappearing. The powder spread out and got in my eyes, stinging them like crazy.

“A guide sure would be nice right about now,” I said, forcing myself to get back on the next box.

“It’s just you and me,” Miguel replied with a mean little chuckle.

I could barely see, so it was kinda surprising when the staircase of boxes ended. Unfortunately, it was only another level of the maze. Once again, I had three directions to choose from. My eyes weren’t working well enough to distinguish any of them, so I just continued going straight into another memory.

For some reason, my eyes were working properly now. It allowed me to see Celestia in Blossom’s office. Blossom looked very reasonably upset. Celestia seemed calm.

“So Luna chose to flee?” Celestia asked. “That’s troubling.”

“Every time I spoke to Luna, she said she had no regrets about her fate. She honestly answered every question we asked. She honestly said that she was happy to finally be brought to justice.”

“Hm, strange. Well, she could be anywhere by now.”

“I even asked her if she planned to escape. She told me no! We had the truth spell cast on her, so there’s no way she could have lied!”

“She must have changed her mind,” Celestia replied with a shrug. “It’s obvious she’s in no right state of mind.”

“...Why did you send Shining Armor away?” Blossom slowly asked.

“The Crystal Empire way up north has returned,” Celestia said. “He and his wife are uniquely skilled to take and hold the kingdom. They had to go before their opponent could claim it.”

“And you weren’t available to help keep a shield over Luna in his stead?”

“I’m afraid I’ve been at the party in Europe,” Celestia said. I happened to know that was a lie. All the information I got at the party said she was staying in Canterlot the whole time. “I’ve only just returned. I went to visit Luna only to find she wasn’t there!”

“I don’t like this. It all stinks.”

Celestia grinned and walked closer to the desk. Blossom leaned back in her seat. “I’m glad I have at least some good news for you, Midnight. Now that Prince Shining Armor has his own kingdom, we are due for a new guard captain. Despite Luna’s many issues, she knows soldiers and she knows loyalty. And she recommended you for the job every chance she could get. It is now within your reach.”

“I wasn’t aware Captain Armor had already been removed from the roster.”

“It won’t be official until he returns to muster out, but his replacement will need to begin working sooner rather than later if they are to catch Luna.”

“...Most guard captains before have been nobles.”

“Name your title and I’ll make it happen.” That actually made Blossom blink in surprise. “You give and obey orders well, Midnight. Nav told me all about your part in the war games. If you have the respect of both Nav and Luna, you are well worth whatever reward you might request. If a title is what you wish to become my new captain, then you shall have one.”

“That… that won’t be necessary, Princess,” Blossom slowly said. “I just… didn’t know if a commoner would be welcome in the highest position in the army.”

Celestia reached a wing over to poke her new captain on the nose. “This is Equestria, Captain Midnight Blossom. You will be welcome wherever I tell everypony you are welcome. Should you ever change your mind about a title, just let me know.” With that, Celestia started walking out.

“I’ll keep you up to date with the hunt for your sister,” Blossom said.

“Oh, please do. I’ll find it simply riveting.” And the memory finally ended with Miguel standing directly in front of me. I tried kicking him between the legs, but he jumped aside. He wasn’t able to dodge the punch to the side of the face, which knocked his head against the boxes.

Before he could hit the ground, he disappeared. I grinned and continued walking. “I’ve gotten a little better since last we met.”

“And I remain stagnantly dead in your memories. You can’t kill me, you know.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Taya killed me, not you.”

That… might be a setback. Well, depending on how this bullshit place works. Do I just need to survive or does he need to die?

My eyes were finally starting to hurt less, so I could tell now that the walls around me were lower than they had been, and it looked like I was coming up on another two-way intersection. As soon as I stepped into it, I caught a throwing knife in my left arm. I spun around, ripping the knife out and hunting for a target. I could see him on top of one of the walls. Before I could throw his own knife at him, he vanished.

Poisons didn’t really bother me, so I pocketed the knife and started walking left. This time I appeared on the deck of the ship. It was the far back of it, behind the wheel. Kumani and Kat were standing next to the rails. The pony at the wheel was grey.

“Nav is mine,” Kumani said.

“I understand. I have no intention of going after him while he’s with you.”

“He hasn’t told me much about you since we got on the ship.”

“That’s… somewhat surprising,” Kat said.

Kumani reached out and grabbed Kat by the throat, lifting her up over the back railing. “Spike and Doppel did, though.” Kat was trying to claw at Kumani’s scales, which wasn’t doing much. “And that’s when I remembered that we had actually met, at last year’s party. And while we were there, Nav told me exactly what you had done. So I kinda have to ask myself why I don’t just let go.”

Kat probably wanted to give a few reasons, but her throat was a little busy being crushed. The few noises she could make were unintelligible.

“You’re pretty lucky, though. If Nav invited you here, he had a reason. So I won’t kill you. I think I’ll hold you here for a little longer, though. A spanking wasn’t anywhere near enough punishment for a rapist. Maybe I’ll get lucky and my claws will get tired.” She finally loosened her grip just enough that Kat could only barely breathe.

Judging by the landscape, I’d say we had a pretty large time jump of about fifteen minutes. Kat was now crying and frantically trying to escape. Kumani was giggling at her useless attempts. I’m not really sure how nobody noticed this happening for so long, but we were finally getting into where it was really cold.

“If you keep jerking around like that, I might drop you,” Kumani finally said. “It’s almost like you want to die! Although… Hm, you know, going splat might not be the worst way for a rapist to go out. I told Nav I was going to talk to you. I can just tell him your temper got the better of you and I had to defend myself.”

Kat’s eyes widened and she tried shaking her head.

“Oh, so you don’t like that idea? Hm… Oops.” She actually let go. Kat probably would have screamed, but her throat was too fucked up. Kumani giggled and waited a few seconds before jumping off the side, ending the memory.

I didn’t know people were bullying Kat. She never said a word.

“Of course she never said a word,” Miguel replied. “Who would stand up for her?”

“Me. She did something wrong, but two wrongs don’t make a right.

“Three lefts do, though. And what matters is that she believes you wouldn’t stand up for her. After all, you picked Kumani, not her.”

“Who I picked has nothing to do with what behavior is or isn’t acceptable. Nonconsensually choking people is mean and if I had known about it, I would have stopped it.”

“You always did act like the great leader,” Miguel said with a chuckle. “And yet you’re so broken inside that you resorted to this. How can you ever lead anyone if your own life is in shambles?”

“I can’t. That’s why I’m working on getting my shit together. Again, the point of the coma.”

“And do you really believe these spirits are here to help you?”

“I sure fucking hope so. Not really worth thinking about at this stage, though. I’m in too deep and there’s no going back.”

“Have you ever considered that you spend too much time acting and too little time thinking?”

“No, I never stopped to consider it.” He actually snorted a laugh. “Thinking is really painful, all things told. No matter what I do, all my thoughts tend to go back to… certain things. Places like this stupid maze. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked it in my mind, going over what happened and what could have gone wrong.”

I felt a blade enter my bat wing, stabbing straight into it. As much as I wanted to spin around, that would be bad for my wing. Instead, I kicked backwards, pushing him back and knocking the knife out. I whirled around, wildly slashing out. Thankfully, my blade just barely nicked one of his legs, making him hiss and disappear.

“Run run run, fast as you can,” I said, continuing to move forward. “But you won’t escape me, I promise.”

“I am the hunter, not you!”

“Keep telling yourself that, kitty. I’m glad Taya put you down. I still remember those faces you had in your drawer.”

“And I still remember playing with Jocasta’s panties with you…” It didn’t sound like the sword affected him, but he fell silent.

It didn’t take much longer to find another three-way intersection. Since all roads led to the same place, I just kept going straight. I appeared in Doppel’s room. She was cuddling a mopey Taya. “You know he loves you,” Doppel said.

“Does he?” Taya bitterly asked. “It’s his birthday and he’s… he’s drinking again! He still isn’t happy here! He… he still doesn’t… love me enough…”

“Nav’s been through a lot,” Doppel quietly said. “I managed to snag a newspaper before we left, so I saw the articles. It was horrific…”

“...What articles?” Taya slowly asked. “He said Luna did some things to him, but he didn’t really say what!”

“W-well, maybe you should ask your father.”

“He won’t tell me anything! He doesn’t trust me!”

“Now I know that’s not true,” Doppel said, leaning in to nuzzle my filly. “Your father loves and trusts you, Taya. He just doesn’t want you to worry about him. And the news is… Well, it’s worrying.”

“I’m his filly! I need to know everything about him so I can be a better daughter! How can I cheer him up if I don’t even know what’s making him sad? Or if he locks me out so he can drink alone…”

“It’s difficult to be there for him when he locks you out, that’s for sure. I can’t believe he’s not even letting Kumani give him any special gifts!”

“Where’s the newspaper, Doppel? I wanna read it.”

“...I threw it away.” Taya’s horn lit up. They both looked at it. Doppel slowly gulped and they looked back at each other. “Your father would be really unhappy if I gave it to you, Taya.”

“He never talks to me anyway. It’s not like he’ll ever find out.”

“You know what you should do, Taya? You should start spending as much time as you can with him. Now that we’re on this ship, you can sit in his room with him all day long. And wherever he goes, you can go!”

“...You’re right! He can only escape me by flying away, and I can still make wings to stalk him even then!”

“Uh… stalk?”

“So how about bringing me that newspaper, hm? Your master’s filly commands it!”

Doppel sighed and rolled off the bed. “It’s only a matter of time before you find out anyway…” She reached into a drawer and pulled out the awful newspaper of doom. Taya snatched it away with magic and started reading. One of her hooves almost immediately shot to her mouth and tears started leaking from her cheeks. Doppel sighed and walked back to cuddle her again. “There’s a reason he didn’t want you to know.”

“This… this is awful!”

“And I’m sure he’s been through more, things that didn’t make the papers.” Taya tried pushing away from Doppel, but the changeling didn’t let go. “Let him have tonight, Taya. This is a tradition of his. Use the rest of today to formulate your plan for how to spend as much time with him as possible.”

“...What if he tries to avoid me?”

“Then use cuteness on him. And if push comes to shove, use magic on him. If he can’t see that you need a few minutes for a hug, then maybe you should make him see.”

“I don’t wanna make him mad…”

“And he doesn’t want to neglect you. He just doesn’t understand ponies that well. All the little things you do for him go right over his head, Taya. You need to force him to see that you love him, even if it requires hugging him all day and night.”

“...I won’t tell him I read this article. But I won’t forget any of it, either. Those monsters hurt daddy. One way or another, they’re gonna pay.”

“I… don’t think Nav wants you hurting anypony.”

Taya looked back at her cutie mark. “But my destiny is combat magic!”

“Then it’s time you put it to use,” Miguel said, breaking the memory. Doppel disappeared and Taya fell to the floor.

“Taya?” I said, gently poking her with a foot.

“Where are we?” she asked, looking around.

“In a maze, fighting Miguel. If you see him, toast him.”

“‘Kay.” She hopped to her hooves and we started walking again. “How did I get here?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Uh… Your birthday party? Why are we fighting Miguel again?”

“Because life is suffering, honey.” That answer seemed to satisfy her.

As tempting as it was to rub my filly’s ears as we walked, I didn’t want to distract her. I also wanted to start training myself away from touching her as much. It didn’t stop her from bumping up against me every few steps anyway.

“You’re so casual about putting your filly in harm’s way,” Miguel sighed, almost sounding disappointed. “What kind of parent are you?”

“You’re the one who brought her here. You’re also the one who said she had to kill you.”

“Who are you talking to?” Taya asked.

“Miguel. He’s doing this thing where he talks into my head. I thought it was out loud, but apparently not.”

“Huh. Are you sure you aren’t just going crazy?”

“One doesn’t preclude the other. Let’s just call it magic and leave it at that.”

“I thought you didn’t like using magic as an explanation,” Taya said.

“I do when it’s con—”

Miguel appeared in front of us, stabbing a dagger straight toward Taya. I grabbed his paw by the wrist and pulled him in for another headbutt. Taya grabbed his other arm and slammed him against the wall. The knife fell from his hand and he disappeared before she could do more.

“Since when could he teleport?!” Taya asked.

“Remember what I said about life being suffering? Kill on sight. Don’t throw him around or whatever, just tear out his organs.”

“Which ones?”

“I’m not picky. Just pick a few and go nuts.”

“I can’t believe you’re openly plotting my death,” Miguel said, feigning shock. “That really hurts…” I didn’t want to confuse Taya with more nonsense and there was no real reason to reply, so I didn’t.

The next intersection was another two-way. The left side slowly seemed to turn more to the left as it went. The straight option was another staircase. “Any preferences?” I asked.

“Those boxes look too high for me to climb…”

“Left it is.” We started going that way. Sure enough, I ended up inside another memory.

This time, it was in the meeting room on the ship. Kat and Watcher were sitting at the table across from each other. The walls were decked out with all kinds of hanging plants which I knew weren’t actually there.

“Nav says you were an assassin,” Watcher said.

“I was,” Kat replied with a nod. “For many, many years. I decided I didn’t much care for it, in the end.”

“Have you had any notable targets?”

“Yes. I was just recently hired to assassinate Princess Gilda. I betrayed my mark by warning King Bloodbeak, who I knew was a friend of Nav's.”

“I hear you have a history with Nav.” Kat didn’t reply. “Nav was at the center of all kinds of rumors and I had access to records most don’t. You know, there’s even a picture of the tattoo he had when he got back, in one record.”

“...Nav and I have come to an understanding.”

“I’m aware. That’s why I’m talking to you instead of throwing you off the side. I understand that the actions we take in the past don’t always have to define us. There is room for forgiveness in this world, and there are always chances for repentance.”

“That is why I am here, Watcher. I made a mistake that I want to make up for. Navarone was kind enough to offer me the chance.”

“Do you know why we’re on this journey?”

“No, and it doesn’t matter. I’m here to follow Nav’s orders. And just to… be with him.”

“Be careful who you say that to. I think Taya and Kumani might also have an idea of what you did.”

“I knew I would face repercussions for my actions. I am not afraid. Time with Nav will soothe whatever may come.”

That made Watcher lift an eyebrow. “This seems a little beyond wanting to fix a mistake. You wouldn’t happen to love him, would you?”

“With all my heart.”

“I honestly didn’t expect you to just admit it. Does Nav know?”

“Probably not. His heart is lost to me. I can see it in his eyes. He can barely tolerate my presence. The thought that I might care for him could drive him away entirely…”

“For some strange reason, Nav trusts you. I have my doubts, but I do know that you’ve been honest this entire conversation. That’s… promising.”

“Nav offered me a place here. I intend to do nothing to make him regret it. Perhaps, in time, he will… forgive me.”

“Do you have any miscellaneous skills? Cooking or alchemy, maybe?”

“I know basic poison making, though I doubt I’d recognize any ingredients you’d have on paw. I can also cook, though most of what I’d make would probably be too spicy for ponies.”

“Talk to Sunny and see if she has a place for you on the kitchen rotation. Zecora is our resident alchemist, if you think you can help her. And if you’re interested in learning more about poisons, one of the mares in my team, Nightshade, could assist.”

“Knowledge is power, or so I’ve heard. And I’d be happy to talk to Sunny. Cooking is a good way to earn friends quickly, after all!”

“Do you have any issues with other races? I’m not sure who all you’ve met, but we have two dragons, a naga, a changeling, a zebra, and a minotaur.”

“The only race who might attack me on sight are the elephants. I don’t know too much about changelings, dragons, or minotaurs, though.”

“Doppel would be happy to talk as much as you want. She also feeds off lust, so she would be happy to help you relieve stress as well. Jak is the blacksmith and can help you maintain any equipment. He can likely also help forge new things, given enough time.”

“I’ve already spoken to Doppel,” Kat said with a slight blush. “She was just as curious about cats as I was about changelings. It was… enlightening.” Why can’t I see that memory? “I’m in need of a few weapons, so I’ll introduce myself to Jak soon.”

“The last thing I have for you is a warning.” That made Kat roll her eyes. “No, I’m not going to threaten you or anything cliche like that. Watch yourself around Taya. She’s… protective of Nav. And he’s even more protective of her. She also happens to be strangely powerful for a filly, and skilled in the types of magic that turn ponies inside out. Add in that she’s impatient and quick to jump to violence and you have a very unpleasant little combination. If she knows what you did, she might be out for blood.”

“...Nav said he would speak to her. I assume he handled it, because she’s been nothing but sweet to me.”

“You’ve been warned. Go introduce yourself to Sunny.”

“Very well.” She got up and that ended the memory. Taya didn’t seem upset in the slightest, so I assumed she hadn’t heard it.

“This place seems bigger than the last warehouse,” Taya said. “How did we get here, again?”

“It’s a very long story. The short version is that you don’t actually exist, you’re just a construct brought to me by a magical coma to help me defeat a visual representation of a piece of mental trauma. The reason you don’t know how you got here is because you literally didn’t exist until you were created to help me.”

“Oh. You coulda just said it’s a dream, daddy.”

“Eh.”

“I can’t believe you just told your filly she doesn’t exist,” Miguel said. “You’re the worst parent ever!”

This way I don’t have to keep lying to her. I also don’t have to keep answering question after question.

A loud chime went off behind us. We whirled around to find Miguel stuck in a magical trap. Taya’s horn lit up and his spleen, appendix, and brain all tore out and fell to the ground with squelches. She immolated the body moments later.

“That’s my filly!” I said. While she was toasting him, I impaled his brain with the sword. With it stuck, I lifted it up and held it over the fire to let it burn, too. When enough of the body was gone that I was confident we were good, I nodded. “That was much easier than I thought it would be, to be honest.”

“Were you underestimating me, daddy?” Taya sweetly asked.

“No, I just expected you to try throwing him around a few more times until actually getting lethal in an attempt to prolong this section of the coma to make me see more visions.”

“No, there aren’t any more,” she replied. “I was trying to roleplay it better, but you ruined it by telling me.”

“...Taya?”

“No, it’s Hope. She hasn’t joined you yet.”

“Oh. I was going to give you a hug and scritch your ears, but I’m not supposed to touch you guys.” Of course, that made her pout. “So, does that mean we’re done here?”

“We are,” my guide said, finally appearing before me. She reached out some watery goodness to heal the cuts and stabs on me. It felt much better, that’s for sure. “You have a new message. Are you ready to return to the grove?”

“I am.” Her eyes flashed and we returned to the place of resting.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Five

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Five

When we got back to the glade, I sighed and finally tried to relax. Running into Miguel was actually unexpected and despite being relatively easy to kill, his maze grated my nerves. “Would you happen to know how to give a massage?” I asked.

“I do,” she said. “One of your messages this time was from Spike, who actually gave you a massage while talking. I learned everything I needed to know while he was working.”

“Huh. Well, can you do that while I’m getting the messages?”

“Sure.” Her body engulfed me and started feeling me up in most of the right ways. “The first message is from Watcher. Are you prepared?”

“Yep.”

The crotchety old man’s voice filled my ears. “I don’t like this place, Nav. You shouldn’t have done the coma here. I can feel the weight of it all pressing down on me. Although to be fair, it’s my opinion that you shouldn’t have done the coma at all. I’m sure Doppel told you, but we got together and decided to limit our visits to give you more time to focus. So of course, that means we have to make them count.”

“He says, while beating around the bush,” I muttered.

“It was recommended that we suggest things for you to change. I have a few. First, your behavior. You’re too blunt, you curse too often, and you share far too many inappropriate things. It wasn’t as big of a deal before you became a noble, but you need to improve. It’s hard to set an example if your behavior is worse than those you lead.”

“I’ve already decided to work on oversharing. I never really thought about how often I say naughty words, but I guess it is kinda a lot. And being blunt is too fun to give up, so nah.”

“Second, I would recommend more discretion in your lustful affairs. You’re walking a tightrope with the griffin princess. If you get caught, your options would likely be marrying her or never going back to Gryphus. That’s not to mention the vast amount of other partners you quite openly toy with.”

“Already agreed to work on that,” I said with a nod.

“And as an addendum to that, I would also recommend picking a single partner and marrying her. Preferably Celestia, Moonbeam, or Princess Gilda. I’m not picky, as long as she has a crown on her head. You’re too good for anything less, no offense to Twilight.”

“That’s real funny, old man.”

“Third, I’d like you to work on your pride. Namely, having some. For the most part, it seems like you hate yourself and don’t care about anything you’ve accomplished. I’m not entirely sure what all the coma is showing you, but I hope it’s helping you see how much you’ve done in how little time. I’ll admit there are some things about you that are easy to hate, but there’s more good than bad.”

“Did he just say he hated me?” That actually made my guide giggle.

“Fourth, you need to deal with your vicious attack filly. I’m hesitant to say she traumatized fully trained soldiers, but more than half of them came to me afterward, saying it was the creepiest thing they’ve ever heard. You need to get Taya under control.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“And finally… I don’t want to project and I don’t want to assume, but… It appears you’re having issues completely adjusting to your new gender. It’s one thing I didn’t want to talk about with the others. Doppel’s talking about how much fun it’ll be to dress you up for the pageant and it takes everything in me not to tell her you’d rather die. Gourd says you’re having trouble and just need time and more help to adjust, but I’m not sure any amount of time will fix something this broken. To me, it seems obvious that you aren’t handling it well.”

“Well, that’s two vassals who noticed,” I said.

“The main problem is that I’m not really sure how to fix it,” he said. “Everywhere I’ve looked, I’ve kept my eyes open for any kind of gender-swapping spells to no avail. I just know that what we’re doing now doesn’t seem to be working. I’d be happy if you came out of the coma and told me I’m wrong, but… I’m not holding my breath.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed.

“You definitely have other flaws, but those are the biggest ones I’ve noticed. I won’t take up more of your time. All I ask is that you return to us quickly… my lord.” And with that, my new favorite vassal left me alone.

“It’s sad that my vices are so obvious,” I said.

“But it’s good that you’re willing to admit to them,” my guide said. “And better still that you seem inclined to fix them.”

“I reckon. So I have a message from Spike, too?”

“Yes. Are you ready for it?”

“My body is prepared.”

“Sup, Nav? What’s up with that Hera chick? She actually screamed when she saw me!”

“Oh lord,” I sighed.

“Thankfully, Athena had a squirt bottle ready to calm her down. But I mean… you’ve mentioned legends about dragons before. Are we really that scary to most humans?”

“Why is he asking me questions?” I asked.

“Because he’s friendly and talkative,” my guide replied. “Why is your body always so tense?”

“It’s all weird and fucked up, so keeping it upright is a struggle.”

“Twilight told me not to talk to or about them much, so I guess I should get to it. First off, you’ve been in here for about two and a half weeks now.”

“God damn,” I said, shaking my head. “I think the last I heard was five days, from Kat. I’m actually surprised I haven’t had more visits.”

“Flo and Aqua have been playing gatekeeper,” my guide said. “They informed the others that visits are welcome, but to keep talking to a minimum so you’ll have more time to concentrate. How long did you spend just listening to Kat and Taya ramble?”

“And since you’ve been here so long, I figure your body is probably being neglected. I decided I’d come in and make sure you didn’t have bedsores or anything like that. I’ll also make sure you’re clean and whatnot. Though it definitely looks like your hair has been maintained.”

“I’m pretty sure Hera and Athena volunteered to do that, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if they got bored and forgot.”

“You’ve been well taken care of,” my guide said. “Spike was just concerned and wanted to double-check.”

“I also figured I’d give you a massage while I’m here. I’m not sure if it’ll help you in there, but from the amount you’re twitching, I’d say you’re fighting something. Definitely no bedsores. And… Hm. You don’t have any scent at all. That’s… weird, but probably a sign that you are being taken care of. Good.”

“How do I have no scent?” I asked.

“Hera’s magic,” my guide said. “Taya and Kat were both upset about it.”

“And of course, I also wanted to talk. So I guess I’ll start with this: Thank you. You have done… so much for me. You helped fix my diet, finally letting me grow. You protected me in Egypt at your own expense. You helped me find dragons to learn more than I ever thought I could. You showed me that I was nothing to Rarity and when I was broken by it, you gave me a chance to leave Equestria behind and start anew. I finally got to repay some of that debt by saving your life and earning my wings, but then you ruined it in Iceland by getting tortured because you murdered someone for me.”

“I feel like you may have skipped a few.”

“I know you get tired of having praise heaped on you, so I figured I’d get it out of the way all at once. Oh wait, I do have one more. Your pussy is like magic. It just… milked me dry. So I hope you don’t mind if we do that more later. Gilda wants to watch.”

“Can’t say I’m surprised,” I said, shaking my head.

“So, Doppel suggested I talk about ways I think you can improve. Well, I hesitate to say you’re perfect, but I usually leave your side feeling happier and better than when I join you. In fact, it’s fair to say a good chunk of who I am is because of you. This is the part where you’d make a sarcastic remark about how that’s either sad or not a good thing and then I’d start to hug you before remembering that I promised not to anymore. Which is what I think you can improve. Not the hug thing, the self-deprecation thing.”

“I feel like I could probably improve the hug thing, too.”

“Like, sometimes what you say is funny, but usually it’s… sad. And you say it so often that… Well, some of us are starting to wonder how much you really believe it. So, let’s start busting some of your bullshit, shall we? We can begin with the example before, about how you’d say me learning how to act from you is bad. You taught me how to be a predator, Nav. I would have spent eternity floundering for meaning in Equestria, assuming Celestia didn’t force me into something horrific. But now, you’re showing me how to pick my own path. It’s obvious that a lot of your behaviors are bad, and those aren’t the ones I try to emulate. But you’ve changed a lot in your time here. And the traits I like to think I’ve learned from you are things like humility, patience, and more recently, honesty.”

“I struggled with that one for a while. I kinda turned the dial so far it broke, though. I’m also picking up Celestia’s bad habit of talking around the truth.”

“You also helped teach me to fight. You helped me learn about chicks. I’m not sure you’re right about Gilda, but… I don’t expect things with her to last. Still though, it’s pretty fun. I learned from you that sometimes, that’s worth its weight in gold. I don’t go overboard with it like you, though. Your vagina’s getting closer to a clown cart these days, isn’t it?”

“Says the guy who just called it magic and begged for more.”

“And you definitely taught me a lesson I’ll never forget about Rarity. In fact, I’d say most of my important life lessons came from you. So there’s no reason for you to think me learning from you is bad. After all, I have more sense than you, so I can apply the lessons I learn from you much better. I’m not gonna do dumb things like forming a herd with the most powerful chicks on the planet while denying the whole time it’s happening or calling my daughter a pet and rubbing her tummy all the time.”

“I’m feeling a little attacked right now.”

“Another thing you like saying is how it’s sad that you’re the best friend I have. And while I will admit it’s true, it isn’t for the reasons you always imply. It’s sad you’re the best friend I have because I was surrounded by wonderful mares who were great friends to… each other. I was always included and welcome, and yet… Well, it’s hard for a predator to fit in with prey, I guess. But then you showed up. Suddenly I had someone who needed me more than anyone ever had. And not only did you need me, but you were… truly and honestly grateful.”

“I guess that’s more than what you were used to, huh?”

“And then Egypt happened and I learned everything I needed to know about who my true friend was. I won’t keep listing everything because you call most of them mental scabs, but we both know what you’ve done for me. And we both know it’s a lot more than any of the ponies. And even though you’ve been through so many hardships… you’re still happy to help me. You may complain and guilt trip me every now and then, but you help nonetheless. There’s nothing sad about that. Plus, most importantly, you still haven’t told anybody about that one time with Fizzle…”

“Yet.”

“You’ve really shown me the magic of friendship,” Spike said, somehow managing to not sound sarcastic at all. “Which is the part where you’d call it gay. And then I’d say that it can’t be gay because you don’t have a dick anymore. It’s a cute, puffy little vagina now. And then I'd wish you’d threaten me like you used to. Back before… Well, before you gave up entirely. Ever since South America, you’ve withdrawn more and more into yourself. You’ve done so much for me, and yet… you won’t even let me do you the kindness of listening. You’ve been there for every hardship I’ve ever faced, and you can’t even talk to me about your problems…”

“Bitch, I can’t talk to anybody about my problems. Not even Flo and Aqua, who know me better than I know myself. That’s why I had to go into a coma where nobody else could possibly interfere.”

“If you take anything from this coma, Nav… Remember that your friends want to be there for you, too. You… You don’t talk about your old life much. You know, before… Equestria. But almost everything you’ve said sounds unpleasant. And from what I know about you… Well, I’m not surprised you have problems trusting people. But I owe you so much. I would be honored to start paying it back.”

“...Every time I try, the things I tell people get spread around. What’s the point in trying to trust someone if every time you do, it ends up with another knife in your heart?”

“That was before you earned their undying loyalty,” my guide said. “Now, they are tied to you so strongly that your secrets are as good as their own. You don’t have to withdraw in on yourself anymore.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to steer the conversation away from you for a bit,” Spike said. “Though I guess it doesn’t matter if you do mind, since you’re kinda stuck. I finally met… the new Celestia. She… told me things. Plans the old her had. Plans… for me. The new Celestia doesn’t approve of the old.”

“And yet the old Celestia was your mother,” I said.

“And the new Celestia wants me back in the palace, under her wing. I… agreed.”

“Color me surprised.”

“I wanted to talk to you first, but I didn’t want to wait a month. I am still very much at your side, Nav. But she needs me. She’s working on taking everything over seamlessly, but the workload was too much to handle before she stopped being evil. Now that she can’t just kill ponies anymore, the work is piling up.”

“She has gold. She needs to hire people to fill the positions that are lacking. If she is overworked, she has literally nobody but herself to blame.”

“I have to say, though, now that she’s tamed? Nav, you need to wake up. She hired a new chef who can work wonders with meat. Breakfast hasn’t been the same since!”

“Now why would Celestia go and do a thing like that?” I asked no one in particular. “Go out and get herself a new, meat-friendly chef? That’s a weird thing for a prey species to do, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps to cater to her predator son?” my guide asked. “Or perhaps to cater to the one she believes is betrothed to her?”

“We’ve come a long way, Nav. Over a painful, winding, dangerous road. And I’ve watched you grow and change the whole way. You started as a rough, kinda oblong looking stone. And over time, and with work and effort, you have become the most polished jewel in all of Equestria. Now that you’ve finally settled in Canterlot, I’m positive all the nobles with unmarried sons will be all over you. And I’m positive I’ll be there to tell every single one of them that they’re not good enough for you. Taya and I worked out all the details. I have to approve of whoever you marry and I’ll be giving you away at the ceremony. She gets to be your best filly.”

“It seems everyone has spent more time thinking about who I’m marrying than I have.”

“So all that’s left is you finding just the right person for you. And as someone who has lived with both you and Twilight, and as someone who likes both you and Twilight, I feel safe to say… it’s not Twilight. Just uh… don’t tell her I said that. But you deserve a crown on your head, Nav. And it’s much nicer to put one there with a ring than with a sword, isn’t it?”

“Why would I deserve a crown?”

“Get out of your coma quickly, Nav. I miss you.” And with that, my scaliest companion left.

“Taya will be joining you soon,” my guide said. “In just a few more days.”

“She will. I was hoping I’d be done by then, but I guess she’ll be forced to witness some of it.”

“It will do her good to see what mommy had weathered for her filly. Are you prepared for the last of your messages?”

“I thought you said I only had one.”

“That changed. Are you prepared for the last of your messages?”

“Yep.”

“Hello, Navarone,” Flo said.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that. How the hell did she even get in here?”

“I didn’t, and it isn’t actually a message. It’s a conversation, but you’re mostly going to be listening. And since I’m talking anyway…” She appeared in front of me, reached down, and snatched me out of my guide’s watery embrace so she could put me into her own. “There, much better.”

“Well, I guess this isn’t technically interfering. So, are you here to yell at me?”

“No. First, I am here to defend myself against your guide’s accusations. I did not create Celestia as the perfect wife for you. However, her original personality was already fairly close to something you could fall in love with. Once I got rid of the evil and cleaned up a few of her other nasty little traits, it’s only obvious you would find it easier to grow close to her. And while you may consider this a new Celestia, she considers herself the same. She expected to pick her relationships back up with no interruptions. That is why she offered sex and that is why she offered marriage.”

“So why would my guide think otherwise?”

“Because you still do not trust me. You rely on me. You love me. But you do not trust me.”

“How could I not trust you? You know pretty much everything about me.”

“You don’t trust anyone. That’s why you don’t tell anyone your secrets. And that’s why you never discuss them with me. I could have helped you through every single one of your problems, had you only let me. Instead, you chose this conceited method of torturing yourself.”

“I’m learning valuable information.”

“Valuable information that may or may not be true. There’s no telling how accurate these visions really are. And most of it is old news anyway.”

“Context is vital for how I treat my crew moving forward. There may have been better ways to work through my problems, but I don’t see what’s wrong with this one.”

“I know you don’t, Nav,” Flo sighed. “The rest of your friends get to give you suggestions. I’m going to as well. The first is to talk to me. Please, Nav. I’ll beg if I have to. Just stop letting yourself suffer in silence. It… kills me to watch.”

“...‘Kay.”

“If you don’t give me a better, more heartfelt answer, I’m going to tickle you.”

“I’ve never been one for talking about my problems. My family made me think sharing your problems was a sign of weakness, that you always needed to be able to sort your own things out. Trying to get over that hump has been one of the biggest problems I’ve had in my time here. I’ve tried at times, but… It doesn’t usually work out. But if I can’t trust you, you have no business being in my head. And if that’s what you think it’ll take for me to trust you, then I guess that’s what I’ll have to do.”

“Was that so hard?” she sweetly asked.

“Don’t stoop to Aqua’s level.” That actually made her turn a few shades bluer. “Speaking of her, is she going to have a conversation with me, too?”

“I don’t know,” Flo replied. “But my next request does involve her. I request that you kill her personality and be done with it. Keeping her chained to you as she is will only end in disaster, I’m sure of it. You can continue killing her piece by piece, but she’s old and wily and I might not always be there to make sure she does not lead you astray. Just reset her and release her from your control.”

“I’ll wait until I get to that part in the coma to make a decision on that, but I’m inclined to agree. The idea of my very own pet war hero elemental is nice, but for one, I don’t much care for slavery. Two, I share your concern that she’s not entirely toothless yet. And three, humiliating her is kinda getting old. Besides, she keeps begging me to reset her anyway, so it’s only fair.”

“You’ve heard now from two of your followers who recognize that you are having difficulties adjusting to your gender. I can confirm that it’s true. With the flick of a switch, Aqua or I could change that for you. You’ll still have the same personality, you just won’t be bothered by your change anymore. And if the option ever presents itself to turn back, we can change you right back to the way you were. No more unhappiness, no more misery, and you’ll still be you.”

“We’ll see what the coma has to say about it before I make that choice. I wanted to avoid it, but if I can’t adjust normally and there really is no way back, lobotomizing myself might be the only option. No reason to continue being unnecessarily miserable, I guess.”

“That seems like a dangerous way of thinking,” my guide asked. “You were upset when she erased your unnecessary depression.”

“She didn’t tell me she was doing it. Here, she gave me the option. Plus, I no longer balk so heavily at the idea of mind control. I mean, Cutelestia seems pretty upbeat and happy. It might not be too late to just let Aqua completely wipe my mind so I effectively die, then let them build someone else so I don’t have to suffer anymore.”

“You don’t get to say things like that anymore,” Flo said. “If Taya heard it, she might well kill all of the elementals in case you get any ideas.”

“You’re so selfish,” I muttered.

“Do you have any messages for the outside world?” Flo asked.

“No. If I send any of them a message, all the ones I don’t send anything to will get jealous. You did give Doppel the tentacle monster treatment though, right?”

“I did. She said she’ll be practicing in a similar shape to return the favor to you when you get out.”

“...Oh. Do you have any other requests for me?”

“I have many, many more, but I will only voice one for now. Stop thinking of Celestia as a new being. She is, but it will make things much easier if you just consider her the best parts of the old one.”

“It will make what things much easier?” I asked. “We’re already working together fairly well. Things are promising as they are.”

“For one, she will be happier. Celestia knows she has large shoes to fill. Being reminded so often makes her feel uneasy. For two, it will help her adjust to her new role much more easily. Every time the fact that she isn’t the same Celestia is brought up, it makes her question if she’s doing a good enough job. She’s trying hard to keep everything running as it is. Third, it will help you get over the trauma that the old Celestia did to you. Put her out of your mind, Nav. She’s gone, and Celestia as she is now will never hurt you. And last, it will help the others adjust, too. If you take the lead on accepting her, the others will follow.”

“...Do I have to give a heartfelt answer to this one, too?”

“All of your answers should be heartfelt, my precious little Navi,” she sweetly replied. “Especially when given to your favorite elemental!”

“At the end, I realized I hated Celestia. I hated her evil actions, I hated her bitchy attitude, and I hated her whitewashed history. I was trying to think of your Celestia as a new one to distance her from the darkness of the old. It isn’t a disservice to her or her skills. It’s to honor her as a true second chance. As you said, she is a new version entirely. Tell her to revel in it, not shy away from it.”

“...So you do have a message for someone, then.”

“If you want to take it that way, sure. Did you tell her what I know about my pull?”

“I did. She was happy to have it confirmed, but utterly horrified at what it means. So many things have happened centered around you. Many were likely caused by the pull. At the moment, she’s agreed to keep it to herself and start looking for ways to possibly counteract it.”

“Cool. Then is there anything else?”

“I want you to rely on me, Nav. And until you trust me, you never will. So if you give any of my requests thought, let it be that one. I would love to help you truly get through your problems, not merely find ways to cope with them.”

“I guess if push comes to shove, we can just increase what all gets snipped if we go for the lobotomy route. That way, my trust in you would be proven by letting you just—”

“I already said you don’t get to say things like that anymore,” Flo replied. “Don’t make me think of a punishment for it.”

“I don’t understand why you won’t just let me kill myself. No one would even have to know. Everyone expects me to be different when I get out of here, so you can just make me into whatever you want.”

“Because I want you to be my host, not my ideal version of you. Farewell for now, Navi. I may visit again before the coma is done.” She tossed me back into my guide and vanished, leaving me alone in my mind.

“Your elemental mistrusts us,” my guide said.

“That’s not surprising. Any more messages?”

“No. Why is it not surprising?”

“You questioned her motives involving Celestia. Of course that’ll sow distrust.”

“Hm. Are you prepared to move on?”

“Yep. Let’s do it.” She set me back on my feet and her eyes flashed.

We ended up in a sitting room in the Crystal Empire. Twilight and her friends were there, along with Cadance. If I had to guess, I’d say it was right after I told everyone the truth about my time in Equestria.

Somewhat surprisingly, Fluttershy was the first to talk. “Poor Nav…”

“He was actually telling the truth,” Applejack muttered.

“I always wondered what happened to him,” Cadance sighed, shaking her head. “Hearing it all laid out so plainly is… unsettling.”

“I can’t believe some of us are guilty, too!” Dash shouted, glaring at Pinkie.

“It was a mistake made long ago,” Rarity said, which made Dash’s glare change targets. “It was an awful deed that Nav has since forgiven.”

“...I don’t think he’ll be so quick to forgive the princesses,” Pinkie slowly said.

“So what are we going to do about this, girls?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t think Nav would want us doing anything at all,” Applejack said. “I’m pretty sure that if he wanted something done, he’d ask us.”

“That’s nonsense,” Rarity said. “That poor colt doesn’t know how to ask his friends for anything. That’s why we had to force him to tell us the truth!”

“Is that the same reasoning you used when you raped him?” Cadance sweetly asked, making Rarity flinch. “I lived with Nav for a while. I learned that the one mistake you do not make is assuming that you’re doing a favor by going out of your way to do something for him when he doesn’t ask you to. Due to the way his crazy human brain works, he thinks you’re insulting him half the time.”

“We could throw him a festival!” Pinkie said. “He said he hates just about every party, but seems to like those!”

“I don’t think Nav would really appreciate that,” Twilight said. “Even if it’s so obvious that he’s hurting. I just want to hold him and tell him it’ll be alright…”

“Sometimes just being there is enough,” Fluttershy said with a small nod. “Maybe we should just hold him close!”

The door opened and Shiny walked in. “Nav’s gone.”

Dash was instantly in his face, hovering in the air. “WHAT?!”

His horn lit up and she got stuffed into a purple bubble so he could push her back. “He went back to his airship for now. I think he wanted to get out of the palace before you had any scary ideas about how to comfort him.” The bubble popped and Dash returned to her seat with a huff.

“They were cute ideas, not scary!” Cadance said. “They were just about to decide on a group hug!”

“I’m relatively confident that Nav doesn’t enjoy group hugs,” Rarity said. “He always seemed to dread them.”

“No, he secretly enjoys hugging ponies,” Pinkie said. “Especially mares, because we’re nice and squishy. I’m his favorite!”

“...How do you know that?” Twilight asked.

“I read his diaries, duh! They’re really neat!”

“I know one thing we could do,” Applejack said. “We could ban Pinkie from invading his privacy!”

“But then how would we be able to find out things like how he and Rarity got arrested for treason or that he had a threesome with Twilight and Luna?”

“We wouldn’t!” Applejack said. “And we shouldn’t!”

“Agreed,” Twilight said with a massive blush.

“I’ve never been arrested in my life!” Rarity said.

“We’re getting off topic!” Dash said. “Nav’s trying to hide from us again! What are we gonna do to help him get over his trauma? If he doesn’t like group hugs, that’s obviously a bust!”

“He likes sex!” Pinkie helpfully said.

“Sex is what caused most of his issues,” Cadance said. “And besides, you’d have to fight Kumani for him. That said, Rarity could make her some fun outfits. He seems to enjoy those!”

“Lingerie for a dragon?” Rarity slowly said. “That seems like an interesting challenge…”

“Is there anything cool to do in the city?” Dash asked. “Maybe if he spends some time just hanging out with his awesome pals, his mind will be in a better place.”

“I ain’t sure Nav considers us his pals,” Applejack said. “Why else would he leave in the middle of the night without telling almost anypony?”

“Because he doesn’t like goodbyes, duh,” Pinkie said. “You heard him!”

“Won’t the party tomorrow cheer him up?” Shiny asked.

“No, Nav hates parties,” Cadance said.

“That’s nonsense,” Rarity replied, waving a hoof. “He’s just stubborn about his image.”

“It’s impossible to not like Pinkie’s parties,” Twilight said. “I don’t know why he always pretends he’s miserable at them.”

“He just likes complaining,” Pinkie sighed. “But it does hurt my feelings when he lies…”

“I’m pretty sure he ain’t lyin’ about that, actually,” Applejack said.

“You believe almost everything he says is a lie,” Dash said. “Why’s this any different?”

“I get a feeling in my gut when ponies lie to me. I get it around Nav a lot, but not when he complains about parties.”

“Then you’re obviously just misreading him,” Twilight said. “To be honest, even I still have problems sometimes. Maybe your lie detector doesn’t work as well on other species.”

“Are you sure he’s not just… different?” Fluttershy quietly asked. “I don’t always like going to parties either…”

“But you like some parties, right?” Dash said. “Nav doesn’t like any!”

“...I’m starting to see why he didn’t want to say anything,” Shiny slowly said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Dash shouted, hopping off her couch to square up with the much larger stallion.

Cadance’s horn lit up and Dash got pushed back into her seat. “We all have our own duties to attend. That includes Nav. While I admit he needs the support of his friends right now, his friends happen to have important business that needs doing. We can brainstorm ways to help him later, after your shock has had time to subside. Until then, I don’t want anypony doing anything big without talking to me first.”

“Why do we need permission to be good friends?” Rarity asked.

“Because I would like to offer my advice on any solution you may have. I lived with Nav for a while and will be able to offer insight.”

“I lived with him, too!” Twiggles quickly said.

“And two minds are better than one,” Cadance sweetly said. “Consider this practice for me. Now that I have a city of my own to rule, I’ll need to work on my conflict resolution skills. Giving advice about my favorite human seems like a good way to get started.”

“...Makes sense, I suppose,” Twilight said. Shiny sighed in relief. “What was that for?!”

“N-nothing!” Thankfully, the memory stopped before they could start ganging up on him.

“And so the position of best princess returns to Cadance,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Why did you tell them the truth?” Pain asked. “These mares are worthless.”

“I like Dash and Twiggles enough to tolerate the rest. Also, I hurt Fluttershy enough to tolerate any amount of nonsense from her.”

“Do you regret telling them?” Reason asked.

“No. I didn’t want to, but they already knew enough that the rest wasn’t too much worse. Besides, I was hoping it would help them see Celestia for what she truly was, if they somehow hadn't yet. I don’t think it worked.”

“Of course it didn’t,” Pain said. “Those girls were way too indoctrinated.”

“Well, at least I won Twilight over in the end. So what’s the takeaway here?”

“These girls are terrible friends,” Pain said.

“I disagree,” I said. “Bad friends, maybe, but not terrible. At least they care enough to try cheering me up, even if their methods were bad.”

“They certainly didn’t seem to know you very well,” Reason said. “Especially if they thought you really were faking your hatred for parties.”

“...Yeah. I honestly don’t understand it. Is that really the takeaway?”

“How close can they really be if they understand you so poorly?” Reason asked. “Even now, Twilight pushes your buttons all the time on purpose and on accident.”

“I’m hardly innocent of that, but it does start to grate. Shouldn’t you be encouraging me to get closer to them, not try to get me to cut them off?”

“We aren’t trying to do anything but show you the truth,” Reason said. “And the truth is that they do not know you very well. They are not very close to you. Whether that means you should cut ties with them completely, attempt to strengthen the bonds, or leave them as they are is entirely up to you.”

“...I’m a monster created by Discord. Those girls are the Elements of Harmony. We’ve already seen how far I've corrupted them in my time here. If I spend any more time with them, I’m likely to make them even worse.”

“So what does that mean for your relationship with Twilight?” Pain asked.

“At this point, I think she’s corrupting me more than I’m corrupting her. But it seems my followers think I’m destined for a crown. After watching all of these memories, a part of me is starting to like the idea of it. If I get some manner of solid authority base, the chances of anybody ever being able to fuck with me decreases dramatically. Having a crown on my head means I will be guiding the pawns.”

“Flo is inclined to believe Twilight is being prepped for princesshood,” my guide said.

“Maybe. But two of my friends also seemed to think Twilight isn’t the right option. I’ve had my doubts in the past. If I add being a royal to the list of requirements, that would cut the list down to just Celestia, Gilda, and Moonbeam. And if you take out anyone who might be controlled by Discord, you hopefully just have Celestia and Gilda.”

“And take out anyone not mind-controlled by a water elemental to be the perfect wife, you’re down to just Gilda,” my guide said. “And do you really want to marry Gilda?”

“...No. She’s infatuated with me because I’m exotic, I have the pull, I’m a chick, and I’m pretty good at seducing haughty princesses. I don’t think she would be the best partner. I just don’t really know if any of my other choices are that much better…” I fell silent for a few long seconds before shaking my head. “I think it might be time I start distancing myself from Twilight’s friends. I really don’t want to make them worse.”

“Are you sure they might not make you better?” Pain asked. “Now that you know what manner of abomination you are, you can see to better yourself and cease corrupting those around you.”

“...Are you feeling alright?” I slowly asked. “That actually sounded optimistic!”

“You’ve been letting go of old pain,” my guide said. “It has consequences.”

“Don’t you want your friends to help you get over me?” Pain asked.

“Twilight often says that friendship is magic,” I said. “I personally think it’s one of the gayest things I’ve ever heard, and yet… Maybe distancing myself isn’t the correct option. But to be honest, I don’t really have much in common with any of them. I don’t know.”

“Of course you know,” Reason said. “They won’t let you just distance yourself from them. Pinkie and Dash will hunt you down no matter where you try to hide.”

“Which is why you shouldn’t distance yourself,” Pain said. “If they’re so persistent when they’re not that great of friends, imagine how close they’ll be once you really have them on your side!”

“You’ll just have to let them get to know the real you so they can actually get close to you,” Reason added with a nod. “Instead of hiding behind your emotional walls and doing your best to push others away.”

“Sounds like work. Being miserable and bitterly lonely is so much easier…”

“Are you prepared to move on?” my guide asked.

I took a quick look around the room before walking over to the past version of Twilight. After poking her a few times to see if she was soft, I shoved my face against her squishy side. It was all kinds of warm and fuzzy. When I got tired of it, I stood back up and nodded. “I’m good to go.” My guide’s eyes lit up and we took off.

We appeared in Athena’s control room, standing on the balcony. The floor was covered in grass that kept growing, then turning brown and withering away before growing right back. The goddess herself stood before us, staring down. I walked over next to her and realized she was watching our progress.

“What is a human doing here?” Athena mused aloud. “We are all dead, are we not?”

“Most of us,” I said.

“He is certainly unprepared for this task. The unicorn is more able than most I’ve seen, though. Given what they said when they first arrived, I do not think they knew what they were getting into.”

“We certainly didn’t,” I said. “It was an unpleasant surprise.”

“...Now that I think about it, there have been other humans. Hm…” She reached a hand out and a book appeared. She set it on the railing and started turning pages before stopping. “One.” She started turning pages again, faster. “Two.” The pages began flying even faster. “Three and four. All… the same exact length of time apart. All male. All with similar features. All… Oh. That’s an interesting little trick, isn’t it?”

I walked over to see if I could read her book, but it was in another language. “So she had other versions of me in here,” I said.

“It seems so,” my guide replied.

“Very, very interesting coincidence. No wonder my agents gave the book to this one as well. It’s been exactly the same number of years since the last human was here. There’s something special about him. The question is… does he know it yet?”

“She never told me about the others.”

“You didn’t trust her. Is it any surprise that she didn’t trust you?” That was a fair point, I guess.

“Well, that’s one question of many. What’s special about you, aside from coming back here in a consistent pattern? Your combat ability is acceptable, but you don’t seem to have any magic. It looks like you might be a tree brother, but even that wouldn’t account for how you’ve lived for so long. Especially given that you’re still mostly human instead of mostly fae. I do so enjoy mysteries. I hope he survives…”

“We both almost didn’t,” I said.

“Seeing spells in action is interesting. They’re so much more direct than magic. I think I would like to meet this Luna and talk magic theory with her. It’s a shame this unicorn isn’t actually a warrior. Without the human to goad her, she would be worthless.”

“Twilight didn’t handle killing very well. And I didn’t handle her mishandling of it very well. That’s part of what led to her becoming Aqua’s host.”

“So they actually know of Discord. And from the way they’re speaking, he’s free again. Very, very interesting.” She looked back at her book and flicked to all four entries. “Discord was either free when these four arrived or was freed shortly after. Am I dealing with an agent of his? They each had muta—” The book fell from her grasp, disappearing before hitting the floor, and she suddenly looked up. “I read about this. So very, very long ago. Janitors, to me!”

Several paper golems started climbing over the walls and squeezing through the archways. The lanky things were spooky and made almost no noise as they walked. Soon enough, ten of them stood before us.

“Fae legends about Discord, post-fall, code words human, mutation.” All ten of them began spreading back out. “Wait!” They froze. “Not fae. Tree sibling legends.” They continued moving. “There’s something very, very special about you. Let me… remember.” She fell backwards into a chair that suddenly appeared. It folded out into a bed and both of her eyes faded completely gray.

While she was apparently remembering, the golems started coming back, each ferrying a single book. They carefully stacked the books next to Athena’s chair, all doing their best to avoid disturbing her. Most of the books seemed ancient, but a few looked enchanted and brand new.

After about three minutes, Athena blinked and leaned back up. “I remember all four of them now. They were all travelers from the past, but refused to tell me anything about who they really were. Each was able to build up a fairly sizable retinue and all of them were able to greatly change the world. And in turn, all of them were greatly changed, warped into becoming more like… Discord. And none knew about it before he introduced himself…”

That revelation really pissed me off. “What the absolute fuck?” I asked as she started picking through the books. “She knew from the start!”

“Ah hah,” she said, finally picking up one of the enchanted books. “The Legend of Eris, Most Cursed of All. That’s not a promising title, is it?”

“No it is not,” I said, crossing my arms.

Athena speed-read the thing like a fucking champ, getting through the entire thing in literally seconds. “Well then. It’s unlikely Discord can get to me from here, but reading the list of consequences to those who tell Eris her intended fate makes me highly question having her in here at all. Well, him, for now. It honestly would be better if he died in here.”

“I’m not leaving Athena’s realm without that book,” I said.

“So that means a piece of Discord has made it through my traps five times,” Athena slowly said. “Hm. Well, none of the others were assassins and there’s no way he knows any magic. Those spells are harmless against me, so I doubt they mean me any ill will.” She looked up at the maze displayed before her, watching me and Twilight fight a giant ink blob. A few seconds later, she snapped the book shut and it disappeared. “I can’t tell him now. Even if he did believe me, there is no escaping his fate. I will tell him in time, should I determine he’s trustworthy.”

“That’s not very comforting at all,” I said. “I thought humans were supposed to support each other.”

“You’re not a human,” my guide said. “You’re just a soulless abomination.”

“At this rate, they’re going to succeed. Janitors, clear away the book piles from the entrance. We have guests on the way.” The memory finally went gray.

“Fuck old people,” I immediately said. “Fuck ‘em.”

“That’s rude,” Fear said. I turned around and it was just her and Pain. “Granny Smith never hurt anypony!”

“Let me rephrase that. Fuck unnaturally old people, like Celestia, Luna, Reginald, and Athena. They’ve all either been using me, lying to me, or withholding extremely valuable information.”

“Athena seems to have had a reason,” Pain said. “Perhaps you should ask her why she didn’t tell you before you condemn her to be fucked.”

“So what’s the takeaway here, then?” I asked.

“One of the things you see as incredibly important is the freedom of information,” Fear said. “Not everyone shares that view. Some people believe they alone should have all of the information. You must always remember that, for the most part, people prefer to hoard their knowledge rather than share it.”

“I guess I’ll have to keep that in mind. Apparently some people prefer staying untrustworthy and a pain to be around.”

“Like you?” Pain sweetly asked.

“No, I got tired of it. That’s why I put myself into a coma. Do you have any suggestions for how to get these people to actually tell me what they know instead of being useless cuntmuffins?”

“Threaten to put them in a coma?” Fear mused.

“I doubt that would end well with Athena or Reginald. Do you have any helpful suggestions?”

“Work on your people skills,” Pain said. “You’re miserable to be around, almost constantly bitchy, petty, and you play word games to score little wins against people. If you were in any way pleasant, people might willingly tell you things instead of wanting to keep things to themselves. Instead, you prance about with your better-than-thou oh-look-how-sad-I-am act and expect pity instead of the rightful scorn you deserve.”

“...I thought you said she was changing,” I slowly said to my guide.

“She is,” my guide said, reaching over to boop me. “You asked for suggestions and she gave you one. Along with why the suggestion was a good thing, of course.”

“Of course. When I first got to Equestria, I was unhappy and bitter. Sometimes I took it out on the ponies. Over time, I’ve gotten real reasons to be unhappy and bitter and now I’m taking it out on people a lot more often. But it’s time I stop letting my past act as an excuse for my present. I can’t be a dick all the time just because I’ve been through unpleasant things. I should need an excuse in the present to be a dick.”

“Precisely,” Pain replied with a nod. “Except you can’t be a dick anymore. You can be a cunt, though. Not all the time, of course. Just when you have an excuse.”

“Although I never was a dick to Athena. Or a cunt to her. I probably wasn’t as nice as I could have been and I didn’t really go out of my way to do much for her, but…”

“You were afraid of her from the start,” Fear said. “And she could tell.”

“Who in the right mind wouldn’t be afraid of her?! She even terrified Celestia!”

“You were also disgusted by her from the start,” Pain said. “She could tell that, too.”

I sighed and walked over to the withered old mutant. To be honest, her body was grotesque. There was no fat anywhere on her emaciated frame, so her entire body was nearly skeletal. All of her hair had been replaced by feathers, including her eyebrows and eyelashes. Her nose was almost beaklike. One of her hands had been partially morphed into talons. The other was covered in a strange gauntlet. Each fingertip ended in a needle that was stained with ink. Her body was covered in a plain dress and covered with strips of parchment covered in runes.

“I mean… it’s kinda hard not to be,” I said, looking her up and down again. “No offense meant to my host or anything, but just look at her. She could at least wear a cowl or something to hide… that.”

“She can’t help that she’s hideous,” Pain said. “You should be more understanding of those with physical limitations, shorty.”

“I’m just fun-sized, you catgirl slut!” That made all of them snicker at me. “So how can I better hide my disgust at this thing?”

“You could sleep with her,” Fear said.

“There’s not enough alcohol in the world. Besides, I would infinitely rather bang Hera and there’s no way I could do both.”

“Wait, you would willingly have sex with Hera?” Pain asked.

“Oh fuck no, that woman is legit horrifying and I now believe every single legend I know about her. But if I had to pick, I’d rather go with the horrifying one that’s hot than the horrifying one that’s ugly. Especially since it sounds like Hera’s never had a good lover before, so I could rock her world. I bet goddess tastes like ambrosia! But anyway, enough about her. You have any better suggestions about hiding distaste?”

“Work on your facial expressions,” Pain said. “They’re minute, but still enough for Athena to notice. Also, don’t be so afraid to get physically close to her. Remember that her culture valued closeness.”

“I gave her a hug the last time I saw her, so that hopefully helped. I might try to boop her on this disgusting thing she calls a nose to see if it’s actually fleshy, next time.”

“How do you know she calls it a nose?” Fear asked. “You haven’t ever talked about her. For all you know, she agrees that she’s disgusting.”

“How could she not? That doesn’t change anything.”

“You’re doing that thing where you’re a bitch again,” Pain said. “Are you not working on that?”

“This coma is helping me get it all out of my system. I’ve held so much in for so long that it… feels good to get it out. I honestly don’t talk to people enough about what I think.”

“Well, it’s far too late for that now,” my guide said. “You’re stuck with your own shitty self until Taya gets here. I guess we’ll see if you can continue being open and honest with her around.”

“Here’s hoping. I think I’m done insulting Athena for now. Shall we move on?”

“As you wish,” my guide said. Her eyes flashed and we went onward.

We appeared in a very cramped room on my first airship. Twilight and her friends were all shoved inside. At the moment, I was sitting on Applejack’s back. My guide was hanging from the ceiling. A green grassy plain stretched as far as I could see out the window, only broken up by the occasional cherry blossom tree.

“So what’s this about?” Dash asked. “Don’t we have a train to catch?”

“Not anymore, I’m afraid,” Twilight quietly said, floating a letter up. “I received this from Princess Celestia about an hour ago. I needed to talk to Nav about it before I told any of you. It… details why Nav is going on his journey. Not the excuse he gave us of finding the elementals, but why he’s finding them.”

“And we gotta stop him!” Pinkie said. “I knew the brain leech got him!”

“No, we have to help him,” Twilight said.

“Then he better have a real good reason,” Applejack slowly said.

“This is going to require a history dump,” Twilight said, making Pinkie groan. “Some of you already know some of it. A very, very long time ago, humans were the only sapient race on the planet. A demon called Discord rose to power and wiped humanity out. He’s back now.”

“Wait, the same demon?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nav and the elementals seem to think so and Celestia is inclined to agree,” Twilight said.

“And he killed all of the humans?!” Dash shouted.

“A few survived here and there, like Nav and Athena. Some managed to survive long enough to create the elementals, which are machines.”

“Aqua’s a machine?” Rarity asked.

“You saw what the humans could do!” Dash said.

“Wait, she saw?” Applejack said. Dash’s ears shrank and she blushed bright red.

“It’s a little late for secrecy,” Rarity said. “And the more information we can all collate together now the better. Rainbow and I went with Nav to the past.”

“Why didn’t he invite me?!” Pinkie demanded.

“He didn’t invite us,” Dash said. “It was a stupid mistake and we ruined the entire trip for him.”

“We were probably the only ones keeping him from hanging himself in his cell,” Rarity replied. “That poor colt was disowned by his own species!”

“...I’ve never seen Nav like that before,” Dash sighed, looking down.

“Well, that’s interesting and all and we’re definitely gonna talk about it later, but what about this Discord fellow?” Applejack said. Right, just brush over my mental anguish.

“Discord is controlled by the amount of strife in the world,” Twilight said. “After all the humans died out, there was barely enough of it to sustain him. As the creatures the humans created grew more and more intelligent, the elementals started to lead them.”

“Wait, the humans created us?” Fluttershy asked.

“That seems to be Nav’s theory,” Twilight said. “Aqua’s memory gets faulty the further back in time she goes, so she doesn’t know. Eventually, there was enough strife in the world for Discord to show himself. He started a war between the elementals that led to most either dying or being imprisoned.”

“So the elementals are Discord’s enemies,” Applejack said with a nod.

“Why don’t we get the Elements of Harmony and blast him?” Dash asked.

“Because he stole them,” Twilight matter-of-factly replied, making Rarity and Fluttershy gasp. “And supposedly hid them near where elementals are located.”

“So you’re saying it’s a trap,” Applejack said.

“Likely. There’s no guarantee they actually are hidden along Nav’s path and there’s no guarantee we’ll actually be able to find them. We don’t even know if they’ll work if we do find them. But a demon capable of destroying an entire planet’s worth of sapient life is free right now. It’s our duty to do whatever we can to help stop it.”

“Uhhh… Can we stop it?” Dash asked. “I mean, I’m ready to go down fighting, but… Well, I saw what the humans were capable of. If it killed them…”

“The humans had no magic,” Twilight said. “I learned a lot in Athena’s realm. Discord purposefully destroyed magic among the humans because it’s one of the few things that can harm him. I also learned that the Elements of Harmony sealed him in stone the last time they were used on him slightly over six thousand years ago, by Celestia, Luna, and Queen Chrysalis.”

“Wait, Chrysalis used the Elements?” Pinkie asked. “How?”

“She didn’t actually use them, but she helped Celestia and Luna get to him. Another thing I learned is that all of you are capable of learning magic. In fact, I’m relatively confident that at least three of you passively use some form of magic in your daily lives. Rainbow Dash, your speeds are only possible with a large magical boost, likely from all the ponies who believe in you. Fluttershy, your ability to communicate with animals is unnatural, likely due to the animals’ belief that you’re too kind to hurt them. Pinkie, you’re you, though the jury’s still out on why.

“You don’t have to understand it, Twiley,” Pinkie said with a grin. “You just have to love me anyway!”

“We do, Pinkie,” Rarity said. “We all know what happens to those who don’t, after all…”

“How do we do magic without a horn?” Dash asked. “I mean, I know we fly with magic, but what makes me extra speedy?”

“According to the book we found, it’s belief,” Twilight said. “Pure faith. You know for a fact that you’re the fastest mare alive. Because of that, you’re able to be the fastest. Of course, you’ll always be butting heads with those who have more faith, but as long as you can convince more fans that you’re number one, their faith in you will propel you to be the best regardless.”

“Does that mean I could pick apples with my brain?” AJ asked.

“Yes. Nav gave me a copy of each book we received. I’ll let all of you read my copies. The information is incredibly valuable.”

“So does this mean we’re going on an adventure to save the world?” Rarity asked.

“I’m afraid so,” Twilight said. “Although saving the world is something of an overstatement. It’s more like saving the world an immense amount of suffering. I don’t think Discord has enough power to actually kill everything again, but after learning what he did to the alicorns, I can honestly say that the ‘survivors’ might prefer being dead. He turned almost all of the alicorns into either changelings or… us.”

“He turned the alicorns into ponies?” Rarity asked.

“Split them straight into three,” Twilight said with a nod. “Earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns. The reason the clans were bickering at the start is because all of them blamed the other for letting Discord take everything from them. It took Celestia six thousand years to build a comparable empire.”

“Five thousand,” Fluttershy said. “Equestria hasn’t grown an inch in a thousand years.” Everyone looked at her strangely, which made her blush. “N-nav and I used to look over geography and history books together, when he first got here…” She was soft and fluffy enough to make a decent pillow while learning about the shitty world I was in.

“Is that the true founding of Equestria?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh no, but we did learn that story too. Apparently Celestia and the three pony clans originally lived around where the Crystal Empire was. According to Nav, the world was broken and the weather was wrong. A powerful necromancer named Grogar used magic to fix the weather, which made it extremely cold where the ponies were. That made most of them migrate south, through griffin territory. I don’t know if they fought their way through or just continued going to Equestria itself, but they eventually settled there. Shortly after they did, Celestia and Luna decided to take power.”

“Why weren’t they already in charge?” Dash asked. “They move the sun and the moon! And they’re the only surviving alicorns!”

“The ponies didn’t trust them because they survived,” Twilight said. “It took them a while to cement their power. I don’t know much about this time, but Nav had some insight. First, he claims that they don’t raise the sun or moon and that it’s a naturally occurring process that the humans were able to study and learn a lot about. He also claims that the princesses have threatened him into keeping it quiet, which… Well, if he’s right about it being natural, I can absolutely see the princesses threatening him.”

“How could it be natural if the weather was broken?” Rarity asked. “Or did the necromancer fix that, too?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have all the details, since Nav’s afraid to talk about it. His second bit of insight involves Luna. Several powerful monsters were roaming the world at the time, leftovers from Discord’s reign. Luna used the support of a powerful dragon friend named Reginald to protect the ponies. Eventually they met up with a naga clan and formed the backbone of the first Equestrian military, a group of powerful warriors who protected the ponies from whatever came. Under Luna’s leadership, the military grew powerful. That’s a decent chunk of what helped the sisters come to power.”

“Until she became evil and betrayed her sister,” Fluttershy muttered.

“So we’re stuck flying around the world with Nav to help try and save the world from an ancient demon who wants to cause as much suffering as possible?” Applejack asked.

“That’s the gist of it, yes,” Twilight sighed. “I know it’s terrible news and I hate to have to say it, but…”

“But we’re here for the duration,” Rarity said with a nod. “To borrow Nav’s sub-speak, that sucks.”

“That’s pony sub-speak too!” Dash said.

“Fine. Then to actually borrow Nav’s sub-speak, fuck. Is that better?” Dash nodded with a smile.

“How happy was Nav when he heard his bestest friends were going on his adventure?” Pinkie asked with a big ol’ grin.

“He was more angry than I’ve seen him in a long time,” Twilight sighed. “He thinks some of us will get in the way.”

“Who?!” Dash demanded. She probably would have tried getting up in her face, but the room was too small to make flying possible.

“I’ll start by saying for his sake that no offense was meant. He just doesn’t think an airship full of soldiers is the best place for… Well, mares like Pinkie and Fluttershy.”

“And not mares like me?!” Rarity shouted.

“Your name was also mentioned, but he admitted that your sewing skills will be extremely useful, if you’d be willing to lend them.”

“What about my sewing skills?” Fluttershy quietly asked.

“They’re offset by your… Well, I don’t know how Nav would word it, but he basically thinks you’re way too nice to be here. And he thinks Pinkie’s going to drive everypony crazy.”

“I would never do that!” Pinkie immediately lied, having apparently forgotten about all the times she had done it.

“So you guys all know what this means, right?” Dash asked.

“That you don’t get to try out for the Wonderbolts?” Applejack asked.

“Wait… I DON’T GET TO TRY OUT!”

“What did you actually mean?” Twilight asked before Dashie could start freaking out.

It looked like Dash kinda wanted to freak out anyway, but she managed to hide the pain. “It means we get to spend even longer helping Nav get over what happened with Luna!”

“He didn’t exactly appreciate our attempts at the Crystal Empire,” Rarity wryly said.

“That just means we need to diversify our tactics,” Pinkie said with a nod. “I suggest we throw him a party!”

“I think we tried that,” Fluttershy said. “He didn’t attend…”

“Then we need to make it a ship-wide party! And then we need to shackle his wings together so he can’t fly away.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “I think we should take a step back. If we’re pre-planning how we can force Nav not to leave his party, maybe we should consider that… Well, he doesn’t actually like parties.”

“That’s utter nonsense,” Rarity immediately replied. “Don’t fall for Cadance’s anti-party propaganda!”

“Of course Nav likes parties,” Dash said. “We just haven’t found the right type of party yet.”

“We could throw him an orgy,” Applejack sarcastically said. Fluttershy squeaked and turned bright red.

“I’ll go ask Kumani for permission,” Pinkie said, hopping toward the door.

Twilight’s magic set her right back where she had been sitting. “We’re not throwing Nav an orgy. I think he can arrange that himself, if he so desired.” Pinkie and Dash sighed in disappointment. “And we can discuss ideas for helping Nav later. For now, does anypony have questions about why we’re staying on the ship?”

“What’s gonna happen to everything in Equestria?” Applejack asked. “I got a farm. Fluttershy’s got tons of pets. Rarity’s got a business. You got a library.”

“I’m sure Celestia will find a way of helping us take care of things while we’re gone. I was going to send her a reply after I spoke to all of you.”

“Has Discord actually done anything yet aside from stealing the Elements?” Fluttershy asked.

“I don’t know,” Twilight said. “According to Aqua, he wasn’t subtle at all back then. If he was doing anything, we’d probably know.”

“I don’t think I have any questions,” Rarity said. “Would you mind if I went back to my tiny, barren cabin to mope?”

“Not at all,” Twilight said. “If there aren’t any more questions, it might be best if we all went to think for a little while. I’ll start outlining my reply to the princess. Once you’ve all thought things through, either write a letter of your own or come back here so I can put whatever you want in mine.”

I guess there weren’t any, because the memory went gray. “I didn’t want them on board, but in hindsight, I was overreacting. I thought Celestia was going to use them to try to meddle.”

“A fair assumption,” my guide said. “What you didn’t take into account is that the girls had minds of their own. You were so blinded by your fear of Celestia that you mistook your friends for enemies.”

“Something I regret, but alas. They didn’t react as poorly as I thought they would when they heard the news. I was expecting more yelling, maybe some tears or something.”

“Why? They got to continue traveling with the one who pulled them along so effortlessly. It sounds like a win, for them.”

“Is that the takeaway?”

“Indeed. You were angry that they got stuck here. At least a few of them were happy about it, and upset that you didn’t want them here.”

“Hm. My life doesn’t really intersect with theirs in any large way… I imagine that can be changed. Maybe I really should try to spend more time around them.”

“Maybe you should. Are you prepared to move on?”

“Let’s do it, babe.” Her eyes did their thing and we moved on.

We appeared in the grove, oddly enough. “Are you prepared to receive your daughter’s company?” my guide asked.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really, since she’s entering the coma right now. Are you gonna scritch her ears like the good little pet filly she is?”

“I’m definitely going to hug her. Anything else, though...”

Just like that, my filly poofed into existence. I snatched her up before she could do anything. “Mommy!” She hugged me back.

“So my sweet little cherry blossom finally came to my rescue,” I said.

“Yep! So what kind of inner demons have you been slaying?”

“I’ve mostly just been watching. I’ve only had to do a little bit of fighting here and there, but that’s probably going to change soon. For the most part, I’ve been shown various events of my life in Equestria from different perspectives, including some things that I wasn’t privy to. You’ll probably see some parts of me that you won’t like.”

“I don’t care.”

“Cool. This is my guide. She took on Flo’s shape for various reasons.”

“Are you sure it’s not actually Flo?”

“No.” I let go of her so I could boop her on the nose. She giggled and released me. To see if I could control things in the grove, I tried to create a bomb-ass armchair behind me. It worked, so I sat back. “Now, we need to talk.”

“Can it be while you’re rubbing my belly?” Taya sweetly asked.

“I’m afraid not.” I made a couch appear for her and she hopped up into it. “This coma has showed me something about you, Taya.” Her ears twitched. “You’ve been hiding so much of yourself behind a veil of cuteness and faux-ignorance.”

“Well… yeah.” I lifted an eyebrow. “That’s why you had me trained in cuteness, right?”

“No. I was hoping you’d take that to mean becoming friends with them, not actually learning how to be cute in order to manipulate people!”

“Oh. Well that sounds like your fault, mommy. Maybe you should have been more specific.”

“I told you multiple times to make friends with them!”

“Right. You also told me to learn to be cute so we could use it against our enemies. Since that included Celestia and we never knew when she was watching, I decided to keep up the act at all times. I thought this is what you wanted!”

I sighed and leaned as far back into the seat as my shitty wings would let me. “I’m sorry, Taya. You’re right, that was a miscommunication on my end. I didn’t… I was joking about using it against our enemies, but I can absolutely see why you thought I wasn’t.”

“SO I’VE BEEN CUTE ALL THIS TIME FOR NOTHING?!”

“I didn’t say that, but… yes.” She scoffed in disgust. “Alright. Do you like being cute?”

“...Sometimes. But not usually.”

“What do you like?” That made her blink. “Taya, if you’re this angry about being cute, you’re not gonna last as my adorable little eternafilly.”

“I’m fine with being cute forever if it means staying with you!”

“I don’t want you to be stuck as something you hate. There’s no reason for you to be super adorable all the time if it’s killing you on the inside.”

“W-well… It’s not as bad as it used to be… The compliments can be nice sometimes. And I love it when you tell everypony how much you love how cute I am!”

“Do you remember the day I went into the coma?”

“Of course! I’ve played it over and over in my head ever since you left, wondering how I could have fit more belly rubs in…”

“When I came back from Athena’s realm that day, I said that I learned something I didn’t want to share. While I was in the coma, I learned why not sharing it might well turn out lethal. Are you prepared to learn something unpleasant and shocking?”

“Sure.”

“You and all the other ponies and sapient races out there today are what the humans would refer to as a half-fae, half-animal. Fae feel some kind of… pull toward humans, something that makes them more possessive and aggressive. Taya, it’s entirely possible that everything you feel for me is artificially created by that magic.”

“It feels real enough to me,” she replied with a shrug. “I don’t care why I love you, I just want to snuggle you anyway!”

“Uh. So you don’t care that you’ve been forced and manipulated into caring about me?”

“Nope.”

“And it doesn’t worry you that all of the absolutely horrific things that have happened to me have been solely as a result of this magical pull?”

That got her attention. “Um. Oh. I guess that would make sense, wouldn’t it. No wonder Luna went crazy for you!”

“Bingo. From what I can see, the more powerful a fae is, the more powerful the pull is. That’s why all the royals are so friendly with me and so quick to accede to my will.”

“Wow! Now that we know about it, we can use it to manipulate all of them to do whatever you want! This is amazing!”

“I’ve already told Celestia and I’m planning on telling everyone else. I want to find a way to stop it.”

“Mommy, that’s dumb. Why do you keep throwing away all of your chances at power? You could have been in charge of everything by now!”

“There’s a very important rule in this world, Taya: Beware all easy sources of power. What do you think would happen if they found out what we were doing?”

“They’d be happy that the one leading them was so competent that they were bringing the world straight to the biggest golden age ever!”

“Then you don’t know the same royalty I do. Most would be pissed that I was manipulating them. Celestia was already suspicious about it before I confirmed it. Had she found out that I knew about it and didn’t tell her, my reputation with Newlestia would be in danger.”

“Why? You literally created her.”

“Because I literally created her, I have an expectation to be upfront and honest with her. Despite what I told her, I realize that I basically hold all the cards with her. I brainwashed her once and she knows I have the power to do it again.”

“So make her live in fear, like the old version of her did to you!”

“That’s not the way to lead anything,” I said. “You should have learned that by now from watching me.”

“And your way of leading ends with all your soldiers peeking up your skirt, joking about running a train on you, and doing whatever they want!”

“Which is going to change when I wake up,” I said with a nod. “I’ve learned my lesson in here. As much fun as being a complete slut can be, it’s time to stop.”

“Ugh, finally. Although that’s what you said last time…”

“Last time, I was still a guy. I didn’t take my forced transformation very well at all, and took to hedonism to cope because one of the few upsides of this body is how my vag feels with stuff inside of it.”

“So while we’re talking about all this anyway, why can’t we really have sex?”

“Because it would feel wrong to me. I’ve told you all the reasons already, Taya. Why do you want to have sex with me?”

“I know you would never hurt me and only want what’s best for me, even if you’re bad at it a lot of the time. You’d make me feel really good and we could do it whenever we wanted! I mean, you can control dreams, mommy! We could do it in our sleep!”

“Does the fact that I don’t want it mean anything to you?”

“...I know it’ll never happen. But that doesn’t mean I can’t hope!”

“Hope less intrusively. I’m not gonna lie, you asking to sleep with me for the first time was honestly traumatizing.”

“So I traumatized the first boy I was ever interested in. I’m terrible at being cute, mommy.”

“You tried for me, sweetie. That’s enough.”

“So… Do you really love me?”

“Yes. And because I love you, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for failing you, Taya.”

“I forgive you! How did you fail me?”

“You know I originally didn’t want you to stay with me.”

“I do,” she said with a nod. “But that changed!”

“It didn’t change until shortly before we left for the trip around the world.” Her eyes went wide. “I spent way too long being angry, bitter, and self-absorbed. I didn’t want to hurt you, so I spent as little time with you as possible because I thought any time with me was just spent waiting for pain. When you needed me most, I was too caught up in myself to be there for you.”

“It’s okay, mommy. Twilight and Doppel were there for me instead.”

“It’s definitely not okay, but there’s nothing I can do to change the past. I failed you, Taya. And now…”

“You’re not failing me anymore, mommy!”

“I failed to protect you against Aqua. Now you’re immortal.”

“Which is what I wanted, so that doesn’t count.”

“It’s what you wanted, but it wasn’t intelligent. I know you’re not able to understand why it wasn’t. My only hope is that you never do. I fear if you do, you’ll hate me for it.”

“No, I’d hate Aqua for it. Mommy, I could never hate you. I know you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. I thought you changed your mind about me sooner, though…”

“Being a parent was something I didn’t want. I actively hated the idea of it. I was bitter that Celestia forced me to take you, because I suspected she was only doing it to force me to come back to Equestria no matter what she might do.”

“...You thought I was working with Celestia?”

“Oh no, I knew you were loyal to me. But I thought Celestia was using you to anchor me to Equestria, since you were a pony and would be staying behind for all of my missions. You were something she could hold over me.”

“I’m sorry for not being there for you, mommy. I had no idea how much pain you were in. I heard things about Celestia in Catro that made me wary of her, but I had no idea how much of a monster she really was. At the time, I was so overwhelmed that I never thought to look beyond the surface…”

“I understand, Taya. And I want you to understand that I’m not mad you’re with me forever. I’m mad that you’re with me forever as a filly. I wanted you to grow and find yourself. I’d still be a part of your life, but not all of it. That’s just not fair to either of us. Me, because now I have to take care of you forever. And you, because now you never get to be yourself.”

“Why would I ever want to be her? Being your pet filly is so much better!”

“Because another thing that’s stopping is that right there. I’m relatively confident that Aqua was the one who pushed me into saying those things. The belly rubs and ear scritches are doing things to ponies, making them even more reliant on me. It’s time they stopped.”

“What?! You have to rub my belly! You’re my mommy, it’s in the rules!”

“I’m probably not going to completely faze them out. Instead, I’m going to turn them into rewards.”

“That’s the same thing as using your human pull to manipulate us!”

“Nope. The pull is invisible and insidious. You have to go out of your way to get belly rubs, now.”

She sighed and shook her head. “You know what this means, right?”

“No.”

“As soon as you tell Luna and Twilight, they’ll murder you and tell the new clone that the coma made you evil.”

“...I’ll be sure to make a new clone before I tell everyone, then. Thankfully, I know that’s something my sweet and loving filly would never do, no matter how much she might like being my daughter-pet and getting ear scritches.”

She sighed and looked away. “I know it was wrong, but I’ll miss it…”

“So we’ve talked about the past and we’ve talked about the present. Let’s talk about the future, Taya. It’s time to lay out some rules.”

“Ugh, finally. I can’t believe I let you get away with so much for so long. It’s about time you let me restrict you!” I lifted an eyebrow. “What?”

“What makes you think I’m letting you give me rules?” I asked.

“Because I’m perfect, mommy. Why would we need to change anything?”

“You openly accused Fleur of trying to use me for power.”

“So? She’s obviously just a gold digger.”

“Then why would she have helped me reveal that her ex was a queer and then divorce him? Dude’s as rich as I am and staying with him would be easier than competing for my affections. Fleur got pulled in by my humanness, just like Luna.”

“Are you sure that’s all it was?” my guide asked, making Taya jump in surprise. “You freed her from a life of drudgery and bitterness. You gave her a chance to fill her heart with love instead of dithering about with petty games and sluttiness. She’s confessed all of this and more, yet you think she only cares for you because of your pull?”

“While we’re talking about the future, why not just give up and accept you have a herd?” Taya asked. “I mean, I don’t really mind that much, as long as you make Twilight your main mare.”

“Because I don’t wanna. Being in the middle of a permanent catfight for attention has been a nightmare. I also couldn’t stop being a complete slut like that, because all of my different lovers would demand attention. Eventually I’d just be lying there as they took turns toying with me. While I admit it sounds super hot, it’s not the ideal end result.”

“Then why not just hurry up and marry Twilight?”

“I can hear the messages people leave me in here. So far, I’ve had at least two people tell me that Twilight isn’t the right one. And everyone wants me to have a crown, it seems.”

“So why didn’t you just marry Celestia? You can make her do anything now!”

“She actually did propose to me while I was in here. It feels squicky, but it’s an option. I was hoping Moonbeam would be possible, but apparently she made a deal with Discord after getting captured and may or may not be working against us.”

“Oh, so we gotta brainwash her now, too?”

“I actually hadn’t considered that option, but maybe. When I wake up, I’m going to talk to Luna, Celestia, and Cadance. Once we have a plan for dealing with Moonie, we’ll summon her to Canterlot, lock her up in another one of Shiny’s bubbles, and get her to spill the beans. If she proves unwilling, we’ll use an elemental to find out what’s up. If push comes to shove, we’ll do a little mental manipulation with her, too.”

“Cool. Then you’ll just need to brainwash the griffin king and you’ll basically own the continent!”

“We can’t just brainwash all of our problems away, Taya. Only some of them.”

“Well, didn’t you want to brainwash my crush away?”

“W-what?”

“Aqua told me,” Taya replied with a shrug. “Apparently you didn’t tell her not to, or something.”

“Bimbo mode,” I said aloud. “Let’s go with… forty-eight hours. Make sure to strut around Canterlot like the fucking whore you are. And you’re not allowed to tell anyone why you’re doing it, of course. You also have to enjoy it like the slut you are, so no pretending you don’t like being the greatest host ever’s elemental.”

“I’m not angry, mommy. I’m just curious why you didn’t actually do it.”

“Why aren’t you angry?”

“Because it makes sense. You’re never gonna give in, it’s just making both of us miserable, and since apparently incest actually is a thing ponies care about, we’d get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out I felt this way. If you just let them cut it out of me like the cancer you think it is, we’ll never have to worry about it again!”

“And you don’t care in the slightest that your mind would be changed against your will?”

“Why would I want to keep feeling something I know will never be reciprocated? Didn’t you say that was a path to misery?”

“Yeah, but this is supposed to be a learning moment for you. Some things you have to get over on your own, Taya. How will you grow as a person if an elemental just snaps their fingers and changes you?”

“Isn’t this coma of yours basically just that?”

“No, this is a way of combing through my memories, along with events associated with them, in an attempt to either get over the trauma, contextualize events, or help me focus on how I should actually feel and act moving forward. This takes time and I’m growing as a person while doing it. Having an elemental do a little fiddling around means you gain nothing from the process.”

“Why would I ever need to grow as a person? I’m your eternafilly. Ooh, you could use the elementals like a control panel for me! If you ever get tired of how I act, just have them change my personality! I could go from super cute to goth to all lovey-dovey and be happy the whole time!”

“That’s one of the creepiest things I’ve ever heard in my life,” I replied. “You don’t care that you’d effectively be erased each time?”

“Eh.”

“Why don’t you want to be yourself, Taya? Why do you want me to completely control everything about you?”

“Because every time I tell you what I think, you tell me it’s either creepy, wrong, or bad! Why would I want to be any of those things? Celestia was all three and you turned her into a walking doll! I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime, mommy. Let Flo make me the perfect filly!”

“No. She wouldn’t do it anyway. I’d have to use Aqua and I don’t trust her. And Flo might not let me use Aqua even if I for some reason wanted to. I love you, Taya, but you’re traumatized by what happened to you. That trauma has made you… cynical and conniving. And instead of helping you get better, I enabled it by letting you learn how to fight and then shoving you into combat.”

“My special talent is blowing things up, mommy! I got it by killing somebody for you!”

“I know. I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. I know you don’t see it as a bad thing, but it is. You’re not supposed to want to be a filly forever. You’re not supposed to want me to control everything about you!”

“Mommy, I’m already your eternafilly. There’s no going back from that. So why not just give in and learn to love me for who I am? I’m happy now!”

“I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re trying to surrender all control to me because you’re so hurt and broken on the inside that you think there’s no way you could ever control yourself. As my little eternafilly, you never have to sort out your pain or get over your agony, you can just succumb to my will and be content as whatever I want you to be.”

That actually made her look away and tear up. “M-mommy…”

“Taya, I love you. But you’re hurt and you… you aren’t mentally well. And this is coming from someone who knows she’s just as fucked up. You can’t just consign yourself to being nothing but my pet. That rot in your head will just dig deeper and deeper and your problems will absolutely get worse, not better. You know what several people told me privately after you drank the potion and became a tree sister?”

“S-something mean and nasty…”

“They called you a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. These memories have shown me ponies warning new crew members to watch out for you. Everyone can see that you’re having problems and everyone knows where it’ll lead. And if you keep down the path of being my mindless little eternafilly, you’re gonna snap one day. Imagine being like Luna.” That made her flinch and actually start crying. “This coma is a wakeup call for both of us, Taya. I’ve seen exactly what will happen should we continue as we are. We both have to get better.”

“H-how?! It… All the memories are just raging inside of me! Those desperate, hungry nights… All the evil cats who hurt and hunted me… Watching my own parents get cut down! And watching you get hurt so many times, mommy! It all just hurts so much!”

I finally pulled her off the couch so I could hug her. “We both have our inner demons, Taya. It’s time we start working together to calm them. Once we finish with mine and get out of this coma, we’ll work on yours. Flo will help. But I’m done running from this, Taya. I’m done hiding from the pain. We’re going to face it together and let it wash over us.”

She apparently didn’t have a reply, and just kept crying.

About five or so minutes later, she managed to mostly get over it. I had taken over the couch and let her lie across my lap, but I wasn’t petting her. “So, I believe I mentioned rules,” I said. Her ears twitched. “No more magically spying on me without my permission. Teleporting into my bath with Doppel like that was incredibly inappropriate.”

“But I needed a bath, too!”

“No you didn’t, you had literally just taken a bath with Mimeo not three hours earlier.” Her ears twitched again. “Which brings me to the next rule: You’re not going to Tartarus. You’re a filly and fillies don’t go to war.”

“But fighting is my special talent! I’m your vicious attack filly!”

“Do you honestly think Newlestia will let me take a filly into Tartarus at the head of her army? The newspapers would be calling her a tyrant for sending children to war.”

“That’s not fair!”

“As my loyal eternafilly, it doesn’t matter what is or isn’t fair. All that matters is what mommy decides. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“...So you’re testing me.”

“No, I’m laying down the law. Mommy’s Law, you can call it. I’m not taking my filly to war and that’s the end of that. That’s what you signed up for when you became my filly for life. Now, rule four—”

“What about rule three?” my guide butted in.

“We don’t talk about rule three,” I immediately replied. I lost count and didn’t want to admit to being wrong in front of my filly, so I thought that sounded better. “So, rule four is that you’re done threatening people without my permission. And you’re not allowed to ask for permission to do it in front of them, either. That doesn’t count if they’re threatening you, of course. This is just when they aren’t actually planning to hurt you.”

“Way to suck the fun out of everything,” my filly muttered. “No ear scritches, no belly rubs, no war, no cutely threatening to tear people apart… What’s even the point of it all?!”

“Being together,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “Just not in war, because that would be wrong.”

“Ugh. Why don’t we talk about rule three?”

“Fine, but only because you’re so insistent for more rules.”

“Wait, no!”

“Too late. Besides, rule three will be in your best interest. Keep me involved in your life, Taya. I’m bad at being a mother, as I’m sure you know. Don’t let me be. Force me to be a good one.”

“Why wouldn’t we talk about that one? It’s the best rule ever!”

“Because it’s the one that’ll probably cause me the most suffering. I think four rules is enough for now. We need to look to the future, Taya. Things can’t continue as they are. You and I both know it. After we get out of the coma, we’ll talk more.”

“Why does life have to be so hard, mommy?”

“I dunno. Do you want to get to the actual coma now?”

“...What’s it like?”

“The guide takes me from event to event. There, I witness things. I also meet aspects of myself who take on the forms of those around me. For example, you are my representation of Hope. Moonbeam is Love. Twilight is Reason. The last thing I saw was right after we finished with the Crystal Empire, so next up would likely be something spidery.”

“I love you, mommy.”

“Good.” I gently slid her off my lap and stood. “I think it’s time to get moving.”

“As you desire,” my guide said. Her eyes lit up and we finally continued onward in time.

The three of us appeared on the deck of the ship, surrounded by the whole crew. Everyone was staring at the female version of me, standing on the railing with a struggling spider in my hands. The look on my face was one of pure rage. Twilight and her friends looked terrified. Most of the crew and guards didn’t seem too upset. Kat was almost to the point of tears. Spike looked pretty sad. Instead of an ocean, we were over a vast forest.

“Isn’t this when you almost killed Spider?” Taya asked.

“It’s when I became stuck as a girl,” I said.

“And when you finally gave up,” Pain said, making Taya jump in surprise. “How many times did you try to kill yourself after this?”

“Four or five within the week,” I said. “Taya, this is Pain.”

“You… you tried to kill yourself?” Taya slowly asked.

“Oh yeah. My plan was to drop Spider and then follow right behind him. Kat talked me down from killing Spider and Flo wouldn’t let me kill myself, so here I am.”

“How could you do that?!”

“Well, the first attempt was stabbing myself, but Flo wouldn’t let me. The second was falling, as I said. The third was cutting. For the fourth, I tried to use the sword, but Flo wouldn’t even let me look at it.”

“You were just going to abandon me!”

“Way to make it all about you,” I said, booping her again. Oddly enough, that seemed to upset her even more for some reason. “I’ll have you know that suicide is a very selfish thing. I wasn’t doing it for you, I was doing it for me, to alleviate the pain I felt at being stuck like this.”

“So what was I supposed to do about my pain?!”

“I dunno,” I replied with a shrug. “I was too busy being horribly distraught over the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“How could this be worse than the bunker?”

“You heard Pain: This is when I gave up. The weight of it all came crashing down on me and I cracked. I’m not proud of what I attempted to do, but I completely understand it. Being forced into this has torn at me, Taya. I haven’t adjusted, I’ve just buried the problem.”

“Sounds like you need more dresses,” Taya said. “If I can eventually force myself to enjoy being cute, you can eventually force yourself to enjoy being female. And since it’s not like you really have a choice, you might as well do your best, right?”

“Why bother?” Pain asked. “Order Flo and Aqua both out of you, then just succumb to despair. It seems like the easier option, doesn’t it?”

“That’s not helpful at all!” Taya shouted.

“Not all of them are helpful,” I said. “She’s called Pain for a reason. I’ll also note that any of them getting killed could lead to all kinds of repercussions to who I am.”

“So if I killed Pain, you would stop feeling pain?” she asked.

“I’m honestly not sure and I’m even more honestly not interested in finding out. If we kill anyone before this trip is out, it’ll be Fear.”

“Why isn’t she here?” Taya asked. “Weren’t you afraid you’d never turn back?”

“It was eclipsed by the pain,” my catgirl purred. “I’m all your mother knew for some time, especially after her period kicked in!”

“You’re not very nice.”

“So would you like to see the first memory?” Pain asked.

“Does Taya get to experience that, too?”

“She does!” Pain reached out and poked us both.

We appeared in the naga’s slightly larger room with him and Doppel. “So Navarone is female now,” Ames slowly said. “Permanently.”

“...So it seems,” Doppel quietly replied. “I’m sure he’s upset right now.”

“Judging by the screams I heard, upset is an understatement. I think I should go talk to her. The sooner she comes to accept this for what it is, the better.”

“And what is it?” Doppel bitterly asked. “Because it looks like it just ruined what’s left of his life and sanity!”

“Her. And it is an opportunity for her to rest. She has done much in her time here, but now that she is no longer suited for combat, it is best she remain on the ship and allow Watcher to command in the field.”

“You will tell him that over my dead body! And if you tell him, it’ll be your dead body next!”

“If she can’t even work up the courage to kill an evil pest, there’s no way she could stand against me now. She even needed Spike to rescue her against another group of spiders!”

“If you had seen how quickly she and Kat eliminated two entire rooms full of spiders, you would be singing a different tune. It was fast, it was terrifying, and I will probably have panic attacks over it for the rest of my life. There is absolutely nothing less lethal about Nav now. If anything, he’ll be even worse now that he’s angry.”

“Nav told me back when she was still male that female humans are less capable at most physical tasks, combat included. Do you think now that he is a she, logic will no longer rule her mind? Nav is intelligent, no matter the gender, and will always find a use for herself. It should not be in a place in which she is not suited. Truth be told, while she did learn quickly and became capable, her size meant she would always be fighting at a disadvantage against most races. You’ve seen how easily Kumani handles her. Now that she’s fighting against her nature and her body, maybe she’ll realize her place is not on the front lines.”

“I… can’t disagree with that. But you will not tell him that.”

“I fail to see why not. She’s likely being barraged by a bunch of meaningless nonsense from those annoying mares. A dose of well-meaning reality will help bring her mind back to the present and get her focusing once more on the future. I’m sure she’ll be grateful for my words.”

“Then you obviously don’t know Nav very well. If you give him any inkling that you think he’s no longer as capable as he was, it’ll mean blood. His pride is extremely prickly and right now, I guarantee saying anything like that will set him off.”

“She’s exactly as capable as she was. Just in different areas. Males and females complement each other, Doppel. Perhaps you would understand that if you found a proper mate.”

“I’ve found several, thank you. Nav is obviously going to be changed by this. He’s definitely not going to like it. It’s our duty to make his transition as painless as possible. If you start attacking his pride right after his forced change, do you really think it will help?”

“Do you not think it’s time she put her pride in other areas? Her place is no longer on the battlefield. The sooner she realizes it, the sooner she can begin learning new skills.”

“I think you’re just scared to train her. If she gets better than you, that means everything you know will be wrong.”

“Kat is proof enough that females can be warriors. I am saying that Navarone is not. Her place should be elsewhere.”

“Well, obviously! But his place is for him to decide, not you! And until he says otherwise, he is in charge and he will be fighting!”

The naga leaned back on his tail and scratched at his chin. “You don’t usually push back this hard, little bug.”

“The stupid things you do don’t usually mean this much to me. But if you hurt Nav, you will regret it. That’s a threat from his cute and cuddly female maid, so treat it however you think it deserves.” Doppel walked out without another word.

When she was gone, the naga grunted. “I suppose at the moment, Nav’s emotions would likely get the better of her. Perhaps I should… temper my words…”

The memory ended, putting us back on the deck.

“What he told me was slightly different, but still super sexist,” I said. “It’s whatever I guess.”

“He is kinda right, though,” Taya said. “If I don’t get to fight, why should you?!”

“Because I’m the mommy and you’re the filly,” I said, booping her on the nose. “Also because I’m a predator and you’re prey.”

“But I’m your pure-bred attack filly!”

“Your original dad was a pegasus, right?”

“Uh. Right?”

“Then you’re not a pure-bred, just a mongrel.”

Pain actually burst out laughing. “You just called your daughter a… a mongrel?!”

“It sounds more vicious,” I replied with a shrug. “Pure-bred makes me think of a noble golden retriever. Mongrel makes me think of a scrappy junkyard dog.”

“So you think your daughter is vicious, not noble,” my guide said.

“I mean, yeah. Anyone who brags about being someone’s attack animal is vicious. I mean, she straight up terrified those goldshirt royal guards at the bunker.”

“...I didn’t know I was vicious,” Taya quietly said, looking down.

“Why do you think almost everyone’s afraid of you?” I asked. “It’s not just the creepy closeness, immortality, or propensity to protect me with extreme violence. It’s mostly the fact that you’re a little filly who enjoys tearing living things apart with overpowered magic while giggling maniacally. That’s the kind of thing that makes most people worried. It’s also kinda the definition of vicious.”

“Yeah, well, I learned it from watching you!”

“I know, that’s why I told everyone I’d be a terrible parent. You remember, you were there. I mean, I’m not complaining that you’re vicious. Honestly, I think it’s kinda hilarious.”

“R-really?” she asked, a hint of a small grin of her face.

“Oh yeah. I mean, you’re obviously loving it. That’s the only reason I think it’s funny. If you were actually hurting inside and using extreme violence as your coping mechanism, that would be less funny. But you’re enjoying it, right?”

The ensuing smile split her face. “Right! Blowing stuff up with mommy is the best!”

“Boom, then there’s nothing wrong with it. Now, what’s the takeaway from the memory with the naga?”

“Doppel stood up for you when many might have stood silent,” Pain said. “How did that feel?”

“Pretty good. I don’t necessarily like all she had to say, but I’m happy she said it anyway.”

“And the naga had quite a lot to say about your supposed place. What do you think of that?”

“He was probably right. I’ve gotten good at fighting and I definitely like it, but the open battlefield isn’t the best place to be. Now that I have Celestia under my control, I think I’ll have to do less of my own dirty work from now on. I’ll still participate here and there, but my main role in Tartarus will be as a general and figurehead.”

“Because you’re a wimpy little girl now?” Pain sweetly asked, getting all up in my face.

“I think actions speak louder than words,” I said. So I decked her in the face, knocking her flat on the deck. “I may be little and I may be a girl, but ain’t nothin’ ‘bout me is wimpy.”

“I thought you said we couldn’t hurt them,” Taya said.

“I’m relatively confident I can’t actually hurt something named Pain,” I said. Sure enough, she got back to her feet with no real difficulties, that insufferable grin still on her face. “It sure felt good, though.”

“Then why can’t you adjust?” Pain asked. “What is it about this body that’s holding you back, Navi?”

“For one, the fact that I didn’t fucking choose it.”

“Sure you did,” she said with a giggle. “You used the cursed relic! That means you accepted all risks involved, right? You were certainly quick to order Kat to the same fate…”

“She kinda got you there,” Taya said. “What do you always say about looking gift slaves in the mouth?”

“It’s gift horse,” I said, reaching out to boop her. Thankfully, I caught myself and wrenched my hand back. Her look turned sour, so I looked back to Pain. Before I could continue berating her, she jumped forward and grabbed us both.

We appeared in Kat’s room. It was her, Spider, and Fluttershy. From the looks of things, Fluttershy was giving him some kind of physical. The floor was replaced by wildflowers, though there wasn’t much room for them around the five of us.

“So how is he?” Kat asked.

“His chitin is cracked in a few places,” Fluttershy said, flipping the large spider over with ease. Oddly enough, he seemed completely calm in her hooves. “See here?” She pointed at something that looked like blunt force trauma. It was cracked inward, but not enough to be overly noticeable. “It can get infected if not treated, and he might actually start to feel it if it gets worse. I don’t have everything I’d need to make something for it, but I can borrow what I don’t have from Zecora.”

“What caused it?” Kat asked.

“A guard down below,” Spider whispered.

“You poor thing,” Fluttershy said, swooping in and hugging him. “I’m so proud of you for escaping!”

He… actually hugged her back. And she didn’t even freak out about it! “That’s not fair,” I said. “When I hugged him, he went catatonic!”

“You tried to murder him, mommy,” Taya said with a shrug. “Plus, Fluttershy is way cuter.”

“W-when can I begin working?” Spider asked. “I need to prove myself!”

“No you don’t,” Kat said. “Don’t worry about Nav. He won’t hurt you.”

“He just got some very, very bad news,” Fluttershy said. “Normally he’s calm and kind, but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“S-she said she’d… she’d kill me!”

“He was lying,” Kat said. “The next time you see him, I almost guarantee he’ll apologize. I… I’ve never seen him like that before…”

“...He?”

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Kat said, leaning in to pat his head. “And don’t worry about proving yourself to anybody. Right now, you need to focus on getting better and calming down. You’re finally among friends. You can relax.”

“You’ll be perfectly safe with us,” Fluttershy said, finally releasing him. “Soon enough, you’ll be good friends with everypony here and forgot all about that evil place!”

“B-but… Don’t I only have a week?”

“Oh no, you’re fine,” Fluttershy said. “We won’t let Nav hurt you.”

“Isn’t she in… charge, though?”

“Yeah, but it’s really easy to manipulate him,” Kat said.

“Yes, he’s extremely weak against cuteness,” Fluttershy added with a nod. “Kat and I can spin him around our hooves in no time. You’re perfectly safe, Spider.”

“C-cuteness? Her? But she’s t-terrifying!”

“No I’m not!” I shouted. “Fuck you!”

“Mommy, you made the captain of the royal guard wet himself.”

“That’s because he’s a pussy!”

“Nav isn’t terrifying,” Kat said. “Or at least… you know, not usually. Normally he’s adorable and cuddly!”

“And his tummy rubs are the greatest,” Fluttershy said, looking away with a grin. The huge blush on her face made me question what else she was thinking, though. “He’s… changed a lot, though…”

“But… didn’t she kill the priestess?”

“Nav and I did it together,” Kat said with a nod. “I’m his pet assassin!”

Spider gasped and flinched back. “W-what?”

“Kat’s much scarier than Nav,” Fluttershy said with a nod. “The whole crew is afraid of her!”

“But not you, it seems,” Kat slowly said. I have no idea why Fluttershy thought it was wise to tell Kat everyone was afraid of her, but it was kinda funny.

“Why would I be?” Fluttershy sweetly asked. “Nav vouched for you. Besides, you’re not scary. You’re just scared. Now then…” She picked up her little medical bag and nodded. “I’ll be back in about an hour with a salve for your wounds. Try not to move around too much until then, because it might make them worse. Just sit tight and let us take care of you!”

“Um… T-thank you…”

“Don’t you worry about a thing,” Fluttershy said with a charming smile. “Your new life will feel just like a dream!” And like that, the memory ended, kicking us back onto the deck.

I sighed and walked over to the railing, where I was standing with Spider. “I let my rage get the better of me here.”

“And that’s when you buried me for good,” Blaze whispered.

“That’s not true,” I said. “You burned in me with righteous fury after Gilda got dropped. And that is when I buried you for good. My black rage almost made me murder a child and it did make me needlessly kill what might have been a useful ally. Although I gotta say, killing that kobold felt so fucking good.”

“So Blaze is Anger, I guess?” Taya asked.

“Rage, actually,” I said. “He doesn’t make many appearances. I’m relatively confident that after I got turned into a tree, most of my already depressed emotions got muted. Since Rage wasn’t one I used often, it kinda fell on the backburner. This event right here is a large reason why.”

“Why did you almost murder that child?” Pain asked. “Did it make you feel better about being cursed by your own stupidity?”

“I was running on the assumption that all spiders were evil after being told by the mother of all the spiders that she made a deal with the devil to make all of her offspring evil. Since I was planning on killing myself immediately afterwards, I figured I could at least go out doing a good deed.”

“But Flo wouldn’t let you,” Taya coldly said.

“Nope. And Kat talked me out of killing Spider. You kept me alive for the first few years, but getting turned into a woman was enough to shatter my resolve. I still haven’t recovered. Just about everything since has just added fuel to the flame.”

Taya sighed and hung her head. “Why, mommy?”

“Because it’s not my fucking body and I don’t want to adapt!” Her ears shot down. “One of my biggest fears since I was little was being forced out in public in a fucking dress! All girly and frilly and… I hate it, Taya! I hate the extra emotions, I hate the periods, I hate it all and the only upside is something that I’ve already resolved to cut back! There is nothing that could ever be worth the pure misery of being forced into someone else’s body!”

“Stop being a little bitch!” Taya shouted, slapping a hoof against the deck. That actually made me blink in surprise. She was even glaring at me as though she had some kind of authority. “You always complain when we have everything so good, mommy! Why can’t you learn to look on the upsides?”

“Because everything has been ripped away from me once, Taya. I know that nothing is permanent. It’ll all turn to ash in the end. I’m Discord’s toy. Until that ends, there is no upside. And the longer I am stuck in this body, the longer he has the psychological edge on me.”

“Ugh, you’re so emo!” She jumped over to hug me. “You have to accept that this is who you are now!”

“Accepting it doesn’t mean being happy about it,” Pain said. “I don’t think you understand how deeply this darkness seeps into her mind, child.” I hadn’t realized she got closer, but she joined the hug.

This time, we were in Spike’s room. Twilight was on the bed, shivering and crying. Spike was holding one of her hooves. Dash was trotting in place, since pacing was impossible. The walls were covered in some really pretty ivy.

“What’s with all the plants?” Taya asked, letting me go.

“It’s part of the tree thing,” my guide said.

“Nav… He tried to kill himself,” Twilight whispered. Dash froze, eyes going wide. Spike let her go and turned to the door, but a purple aura slammed it shut. “In front of me, with… with a knife…”

“...Something tells me he wasn’t planning on stepping down from the rail,” Spike said. “Open the door, Twilight.”

“I won’t let him hurt you next!” she shouted, sitting up.

“Then let him hurt me!” Dash shouted back. “Open the bucking door!”

“No! I picked you two because I knew you’d be the hardest to restrain. Nav will come out when he’s good and ready!”

“Not if he bucking kills himself!” Dash shouted, slamming her hooves against the door.

“He can’t,” Twilight bitterly replied. “Flo will make sure of that.”

“Until he uses his silver tongue to make her agree to a suicide pact!” Spike said. “You know Nav! He can make anyone do anything!”

“If he’s hurting, I’m gonna be there for him!” Dash shouted, still trying to break down the door that was clearly being reinforced by magic. “Open this door!”

“Oh, how I wish I could,” Twilight sighed, falling back onto the bed. “How I wish I could join you in hugging him. How I wish it would make him feel better…”

Dash finally stopped being retarded and slid back to the floor. “T-Twilight?”

“I’ve never s-seen… It was almost to his ribs w-when…” She started crying again, so Spike hugged her. “Oh, N-Nav… How c-could you…”

“Why won’t you let us comfort him?” Dash slowly asked.

“You heard him,” Twilight said. “He just wants to be left alone. Right now, this is something Nav is choosing to fight on his own. If we interfere now, he’ll just be angrier…”

“How?” Spike asked. “He already tried to kill himself twice and murder an innocent spider. I mean, how much more angry can he get?”

“Uh… He could try to kill you!”

Spike blinked. “Well I mean… he could try. I’ll just give him a spanking, though. I don’t think Kumani would mind if it was deserved.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Dash asked. “He’d wipe the floor with you! I’ve watched him wipe the floor with you!”

“Yeah, that was on deck. In Nav’s room, there’s nowhere to dodge. I’d drag him to the bed and hug him until he stopped struggling. Then when his guard was down, I’d spank him. Then go back to hugging him.”

“Well it’s a moot point, because you’re not leaving,” Twilight said. “Neither of you are. And I think you’d much rather be stuck in here with me than trying to get through Taya.”

“W-wait… Taya’s guarding his door?” Dash slowly asked, fear filling her eyes.

“She is,” Spike said with a nod. “I was gonna team up with her to hug him.”

“Are you crazy? She won’t disobey his orders!” Dash yelled. “There’s no telling what she might do if you try and get in there!”

“What, you scared of a little filly?” Twilight mockingly asked.

“Buck yes! Nav raised a monster!” Taya flinched. “Just… you know, don’t tell her I said that…”

“I’ll show you monster,” Taya growled. I flicked one of her ears, making her squeak.

“Taya is perfectly sweet as long as you’re friendly with Nav and don’t get in her way,” Spike said. “But Twilight and I lived with her for a while and to be honest, I don’t think she would hesitate to kill either of us if Nav told her to. If she didn’t choose to join me, there’s no way I could get to him…”

“Sweet isn’t the correct word,” Twilight said. “Polite is. She’s too traumatized for much else and Nav was too busy with… the princesses to help her. I didn’t realize until it was too late, but… the two of them fed off each other and created something… scary.”

“T-Twilight?” Taya whispered, taking a small step forward.

“As much as I like both her and Nav, she probably would have been better off in Celestia’s orphanage,” Twiggles continued. I finally pulled my daughter into a hug before she could do something painful or dumb. She was actually shaking. “But she’s here now, and that means even if we could help Nav by being there for him, getting to him is impossible.”

“Why does he DO THIS?!” Dash screamed, kicking the door again. “I feel so helpless here!”

Spike finally grabbed her tail and yanked her onto the bed with him and Twilight. “Then comfort the friend you have in front of you,” he said. “And then we can get together with the others and make a foolproof plan to cheer him up!”

“It failed,” I immediately said.

“How?” Twilight asked. “How could we possibly… I’ve never seen Nav look so broken before… Not even right after he got back from Egypt…”

“No amount of parties in the world could do it,” Dash sighed, finally joining the hug. “Maybe Applejack was right about the orgy…”

“Obviously she was right, but he still has a dragonessfriend,” Twilight said. “If Kumani leaves, then we throw him an orgy. Or we get Pinkie to ask her permission.”

“Why Pinkie?” Spike asked.

“Because if Kumani reacts poorly, we can just pass it off as Pinkie being Pinkie.”

“That makes sense,” Dash said.

“Do you think Nav might have sex with any guys at the orgy?” Spike slowly asked.

“In your weird, pervy dreams,” Twilight said. “Not that you’ll get invited, anyway! Adults only!”

“Fine, then! I’ll host my own orgy with him! With blackjack and… and changeling hookers!”

“The changeling hooker thing actually happened,” I said. “It was… an experience.”

“Make sure to send me an invite to that one, too,” Dash said. “But in case that falls through, what else can we really try? I mean, nothing makes him happy…”

“He seemed pretty happy while fighting the spiders when we first got here,” Spike said. “Maybe he needs to kill some things.”

“That’s silly,” Twilight said. “Nav may… enjoy fighting, but surely there’s something safer that we can do for him.”

“You’d think we’d have an answer for this, given how long he’s been here…” Dash quietly said. “M-maybe we’re b-bad friends…”

“We may be bad friends, but Nav is worse,” Twilight said. “No real friend would hide himself away like this without even thinking about how we feel… No real friend would cut himself down in front of me…”

“Nav is the best friend it is possible to have,” Spike said, nuzzling his fake big sister. “He’s just in a bad place. It’s not fair to judge him by his darkest moment when we’ve also seen him at his highest. Right now, he needs the strength of his friends to persevere. We can’t falter, even if he thinks he doesn’t need us.”

“Why don’t we become sky pirates?” Dash asked.

“What?” Twilight asked.

“Well we all know Celestia’s evil. Nav has a ton of money, an awesome ship with a great crew, and all the reason in the world to take her down. We’re already flying around the world on some mad quest! It’s like the start of the best adventure book ever! You know Nav would love leading a revolution with his best friends!”

“That’s dumb,” Spike said.

“There’s no way we can fight Celestia,” Twilight said. “And be careful what you say and where you say it.”

“Why don’t we ask Nav what he wants to make him happy?” Spike asked. “I… don’t think I’ve actually done that before.”

“I did,” Twilight said with a small grin. “He told me to stop bothering him.”

“That is so like him,” Dash sighed. “What are we gonna do…” And so the depressing memory ended, kicking us back onto the deck.

“I’m a monster…” Taya muttered.

“I failed you so hard, Taya,” I said. “I made you completely and totally dependent on me. And now that you’re my eternafilly, this is a fact you’re going to have to face: You’re scary as shit.” She actually flinched in my arms. “The things you say and think are not the things a little girl should say or think. Couple in the ridiculous strength, the tendency to shoot first and ask questions never, and being my little henchfilly and you get a bad reputation.”

“I… I don’t… I don’t wanna be scary!”

“What, are you kidding?” I asked, finally letting her go and standing up. “I honestly think you traumatized the guards Shiny brought to the bunker. I thought you were doing it on purpose!”

“I was being your fierce attack filly!”

“Yeah, that’s fucking scary! You know what people hear when you say that? They hear that I trained my little filly for nothing but war, for attacking. And you know it and are proud of it! That’s terrifying to ponies, Taya!”

“Then ponies are pussies!”

“Fucking tell me about it. The only thing about you that scares me is that I know you’re broken and that it’s my responsibility to fix you. And until now, instead of trying to fix you, I’ve just been enabling you. This coma is going to change us both, Taya. As your mother, I’m promising you that. This is our chance to step back and reevaluate everything we’ve done. There’s no more room for anything less than brutal honesty.”

“Everything about this world is broken, mommy. I’m just one more thing you have to put back together.”

“You’re welcome to say whatever you want about me, too.”

“I will. Does Twilight really think I’d be better off alone?”

“I mean, growing up in Celestia’s elite orphanage beats being an attack filly.”

“Sounds boring. Does… Does Spike really think I’d… kill him?”

“Do you remember when you tried to seduce him?”

“Y-yes…”

“He came to me scared out of his fucking mind. I thought it was mostly because he thought I’d be mad, but…”

“He… was the only other b-boy that… I don’t wanna be scary!”

“Good. I don’t want you to be scary either. It makes me look bad.”

“Wow,” Pain said. “That’s your reason?”

“Better than nothing. So what’s the takeaway from this lovely little memory?”

“Why did you lock yourself away?” Pain asked.

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“At least you admit it,” Taya said with a shrug. “I wanted to hug you so much!”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked.

“You told everyone to leave you alone. So I made sure they did.”

“So why didn’t you do what you wanted instead of what I wanted?”

That actually made her blink. “Why would I do that? I’m not gonna disobey you, even if your orders are dumb.”

“Alright, in the middle of a fight, that’s good. But in the future, if you think I’m doing something dumb, tell me I’m doing something dumb and explain why.”

“I don’t think you would have let me, this time.”

“I don’t care. You should have used magic to force hugs on me. Instead, Flo made me read a book about feelings and maintaining my gross body!”

“So are you giving me permission to magically hug you whenever I want?” she sweetly asked.

“No, I’m giving you permission to magically hug me if I’m moping. That’s not good for anyone, so it’s best to just handle it.”

“So Twilight got to watch you try to kill yourself twice,” Pain said. “You had that knife moving into you with no hesitation. Twilight had never seen anything so… reckless.”

“Well, my mind was elsewhere at the time. But I guess she gets to live with the thought of it. That wasn’t fair to her.”

“And something that never once crossed your mind until you saw her on that bed,” Pain said.

“You never even thought about it? That’s cold, mommy.”

“There’s a lot of things that have never crossed my mind, but… maybe it is a little callous.”

“Like trying to kill yourself with no hesitation?” Taya bitterly asked.

“Yeah. That was a shitty thing of me to do.” It sucks that I failed, though.

“You wish you succeeded,” Pain said. “Even now.”

“Well yeah. The only reason I’m alive right now is because Flo won’t let me die. Like, how many times have I ordered Aqua to kill me since I got here? She’s completely worthless.”

“You still don’t want to live?!” Taya shouted.

“I mean, not really. Do you know who I am, Taya?”

“Uh. My mommy?”

“I’m fucking nobody, Taya. I’m no one. I’m not a hero, I’m not a savior, I’m just a person who was kidnapped and forced into this awful life! My entire race is dead, killed by the thing who owns my leash and intends to marry me. The other me bargained his soul, so Discord literally owns me. I don’t particularly want to be his bride for eternity and I’m not overly hopeful at our chances of stopping him.”

“You… don’t think we can do it?”

“Not in time to save me, no.”

“So what’s your plan for the worst case scenario where that happens?”

“Give in to my black rage and burn the world for what it has done to me.”

She blinked in surprise. “Oh. Why not just do that now?”

“Cause I don’t wanna. But that’s planning to fail. I barely have time to plan to succeed.”

“Are you prepared for the next vision?” Pain asked.

“Sure.” One of her paws booped my filly while the other dragged me down for a kiss.

This time, we ended up on the deck at night. Kumani was pacing the deck. Zecora was watching. “Your mind is troubled,” Zecora said.

“How could it not be?” Kumani asked. “Nav is… he’s…”

“She,” Zecora said. “Say it.”

“...She is stuck this way. I know he’s smart and he works with the princess, so maybe there’s a way back, but…”

“The one you have entrusted with your heart is in pain. Why are you pacing the deck?”

“Nav’s daughter won’t let me through his door. I thought about trying to force her out of the way, but…”

“But you prefer breathing.”

“What? A filly couldn’t do a thing to me! I just don’t want to upset her even more!”

“Underestimate that filly at your own peril. Why are you here, dragon?”

“For Nav! Why are you here, zebra?”

“Comradery. I sense that your mind is not troubled solely for his sake.”

“I… am not attracted to… females.”

“Do you know what you are attracted to?”

“Males.”

“Uniqueness.” Kumani blinked. “It draws you in, doesn’t it? Seeing something so strange, so foreign, so… exotic. It makes you want to own it.”

“Such is the gift of our blood. We possess an innate desire to own all. Uniqueness piques our eye and is prized.”

“Is that why you claimed him, Kumani?”

“Duh. But now…” She went back to pacing. “My head is… muddled. My heart is conflicted.”

“You met him when in heat, did you not?”

“The first time, yeah. And the second too, I guess. And uh… And the third…”

“Does your heart yearn for him, Kumani? Or is it your greed? Did your mind fall for him? Or was it your lust? You’ve spent much less time together since your time ended, have you not?”

“He… did seem a little surprised when I told him. But I know I like him, at the very least!”

“How well do you know him, even now? How much time have you spent getting to know the one you call partner?”

“Uh… Why are you asking all these questions?”

“Do you know what a shaman is?” Zecora asked, her voice getting all mystical.

“No.”

“In my tribe, I acted as the spiritual leader. It was my duty to help any who fell astray find their path once more. I’ve had my eyes on you, Kumani. You seem uneasy here.”

“Even now, Nav’s really secretive about his past. He told me once that he was addicted to lying, but that he was trying to get better. I… I think I may have gotten onto the wrong ship…”

“We are all aboard the same vessel that soars through the heavens, dragon. The sun rises and the sun sets on this dusty rock of ours. And aboard this ship, all things are possible. We make good decisions. We make bad decisions. We live with the consequences. I have learned a wise lesson in my time here. If you are ever in doubt about your path, it is the wrong one. There is nothing stopping you from leaving.”

“Why don’t you leave? Go ask someone else your annoying questions!” Zecora tsk’d before walking away, leaving Kumani pacing.

“Why her?” Taya asked.

“Because she was fun to have sex with. I didn’t really have any other reason. I was solely thinking with my dick.”

“Oh. You promised me you’d give Fluttershy a chance!”

“If I didn’t find someone else. What I didn’t tell you is that I already had plans to meet back up with Kumani.”

“You lied to me!”

“No I didn’t. I said I’d give Fluttershy a chance if I didn’t find someone else. I already had someone else, so I didn’t have to give her a chance.”

“So you just used me!”

“Uh, no? I just promised you something so you’d stop bothering me about it.”

“You promised me something you knew you were never gonna deliver!”

“Yeah, because I’m a fucking scumbag. I’ve been trying to tell you this from the beginning, Taya. I’m not a good person.”

“I thought you were lying to protect me!”

“No, I was telling the truth to protect you. I didn’t want you to become something scary or a scumbag.”

“Maybe you should have killed yourself sooner,” Pain said.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have let my sister talk me down from the ladder when I was fifteen, but here we are.”

“A… ladder?” Taya slowly said, her head tilting.

“Yeah, I was gonna hang myself. I made sure to get a bunch of cards to have sent out with shitty puns like ‘hang in there’ and whatnot. It was gonna be great.”

“That’s twisted,” Pain said with a nod. “I love it!”

“Oh Pain, you know me so well,” I said. “So what’s the takeaway from this one?”

“Kumani only wanted you because of what you are,” Pain said. “Are you ready for the next?”

“Wow. Is that it?”

“Why would you care about more?” Taya asked. “She’s gone.”

“I mean… I guess.” Alas, Kumani… You really were a great fuck. All things told, you were well worth being the last person to stick my dick inside. “Then sure, I guess let’s do the next.” This time, my guide actually threw Pain at us. She easily attached herself to me and patted my filly’s head.

We appeared in Twilight’s room, this time. It was her, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike. Rarity was actually shivering slightly. Twilight still looked pretty depressed. Spike seemed deep in thought. Applejack was looking down.

“Nav threatened to murder me,” Rarity whispered. “And I’ve never seen that look in his eyes before… In that moment, it was clear he fully intended to follow through.”

“At least he’s up to other ponies now, instead of himself,” Applejack said. “But uh… Why did he threaten to murder you?”

“It’s not fair! He gets to tease us all he wants, but the instant I try returning the favor, it’s threaten this and murder that! I just wanted him to look cute in his new body!”

“What makes you think he wants to look cute?” Twilight asked.

“Why wouldn’t he?” Rarity asked. “You should always look your best, and from what I saw back in the human bunker, Nav’s best is going to top out at cute.”

“Wait, why not beautiful?” Spike asked.

“He’s nearly flat as a board and has no butt to speak of,” Rarity said. “But don’t fret: I can still work wonders with that!”

“That’s probably a bad idea, at least for now,” Twilight said. “Once he has time to adjust, maybe we can start working on getting him acclimated. Part of that will definitely involve looking his best. That means we’ll need to eventually convince him to wear dresses. Unfortunately, it may involve more threats of violence.”

“Rainbow Dash apparently tried something herself earlier, and he didn’t take too kindly to it,” Applejack said. “I’m starting to wonder if we’re bad at this friendship thing.”

“Maybe Nav’s just a bully!” Rarity shouted.

“Nav’s not a bully,” Spike said, rolling his eyes. “He’s just unbelievably upset and in pain. I tried talking to him about it but he refused.”

“That doesn’t mean he can just go around threatening ponies,” Twilight said. “Maybe it’s time we utilize our ultimate weapon.”

“We’re not siccing Fluttershy on him!” Rarity said. “He might threaten to hurt her, too!”

“Nah, Nav’s powerless against her,” Applejack said. “But maybe we really should just give him some time. We have a little while until we’re back to civilization, don’t we?”

“We do,” Twilight said with a nod. “We’re going to drop Brook off and finally meet the other three water elementals who were free. Aqua doesn’t seem to think too highly of them, though…”

“If they were free and could find her at any time, why didn’t they save her?” Rarity asked.

“That’s why she doesn’t think too highly of them. So, can we all agree to pull back on trying to directly help Nav for now? I don’t want him to actually hurt any of us…”

“So how do we indirectly help him?” Spike asked.

“By picking up the slack on the ship. Nav usually keeps everything running smoothly. If we help, he can have more time to think.”

“Makes sense,” Applejack said with a nod. “So uh… Can I ask y’all a weird question?”

“Weird compared to what?” Rarity bitterly asked.

“Fair ‘nough. Does Nav… smell better to anypony else, or is it just me?”

“Definitely,” Spike immediately said. “I uh… I noticed as soon as I got near her earlier…”

“He said you got a little clawsy,” Twilight said. “Was it really that strong?”

“As soon as it hit me, my mind went somewhere else. It might be a problem if he goes into any cities…”

“None of the stallions here seem that affected,” Twilight said. “And Kumani didn’t seem to have any issues. The naga’s been acting a little strangely, too, but he wasn’t hit as hard.”

“He’s also older and has a wife,” Applejack said. “You’re right there in your teenage years, Spike. That smell probably hit you harder because of it.”

“Well, I’ll be better prepared next time,” he said. “But if we do ever go into any predator cities, we’ll need to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t get in any trouble.”

“I imagine he’ll want more guards around him now anyway,” Rarity said. “He probably won’t feel safe without them.”

“I don’t think there’s much that scares him anymore,” Applejack said. “Why would he need guards in a pony city?”

“He’s certainly not going to be gallivanting around with weapons anymore. When Celestia makes him a noble lady, it would be terrible for his image.”

“If, and I don’t think he cares,” Twilight said. “In fact, he’d probably prefer to be seen as a warrior, despite now being female.”

“Besides, Nav doesn’t need weapons to be lethal,” Spike said. “I’m pretty sure she could kill most ponies with just her hands.”

“Or wrestle them into submission,” Applejack said. “Did anypony ask Nav yet what would make him happy?”

“I was going to, but he refused to talk,” Spike said. “Maybe we should get Fluttershy or Kat to ask later. If Fluttershy’s cuteness won’t work, maybe Kat’s torture will.”

“We’re not going to ask Kat to torture anypony, Spike,” Twilight said. “Seriously, Nav told you way too many stories about his second time in Egypt. So, we’ve decided to leave him alone and pick up the slack on the ship. We should probably split up and find the others so they don’t do anything risky.”

“Dash is with Pinkie,” Applejack said. “But uh… You might want to give them a bit.”

“Fluttershy’s working with the spider and Zecora to extract some of his thread,” Rarity said. “He doesn’t have as much experience with it, apparently. I’ll update her and pick up some thread to alter Nav’s clothes at the same time. With luck, I won’t get murdered trying to fetch his clothes!”

“You probably should go ahead and make him a few nicer outfits,” Twilight said. “Don’t go overboard and don’t tell him about it yet, but he’ll need them eventually whether he likes it or not.”

“It’ll be good experience,” Rarity said with a nod. “Working with this silk is a lot more difficult than normal thread, but the clothes it makes are simply magnificent!”

“And I think I am going to talk to Brook for a little while,” Twilight said. “Aqua still has a lot of questions for her, and so do I.”

“Be careful,” Spike said. “She’s evil!”

“She can’t take over my mind,” Twilight said. “I have an elemental of my own. But don’t worry, I have some choice words for her about that, too.”

“Yelling at her felt pretty good,” Rarity said. “But she didn’t seem to care that much.”

“Add a little fire next time,” Applejack said. “Maybe that’ll learn her.”

“We aren’t here to pick fights with allies, even if they are mean,” Twilight said. “But I’ll be careful. Now, let’s get going.” The memory ended and Pain slid off me before I started to ache.

“So all it took to make them leave me alone was threatening to murder them?” I said. “Good to know.”

“Shouldn’t you want to get closer to your friends to let them help you?” Taya asked.

“Yes. But sometimes they’re super annoying and I want them to fuck off. So what’s the takeaway?”

“Your friends gave up on you,” Pain said. “You finally drove off the most persistent mares in existence. How does it feel to be so completely alone?”

“Pretty shitty. But these girls are eccentric, to the point where sometimes being around them is draining.”

“So if Fluttershy really can easily manipulate you, why aren’t you dating her?” Taya asked.

“Because I really don’t want to date a doormat. I’m fond of strong personalities, not those who bend over at the first sign of opposition. That said, I don’t want them to be completely domineering.”

“And you think Chrysalis isn’t domineering?” Pain asked.

“I think Moonbeam is working on it. But until we nail down the specifics of her deal with Discord, she’s off the table.”

“So why did you threaten to murder Rarity?” Taya asked.

“When we went back in time, she came up with some insane theory about me wanting to be a girl. The morning after I got cursed, she insinuated that I did it on purpose and was secretly happy about it.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Although… I won’t tease you too much if it’s true, mommy. And I won’t tell anybody else, either.”

“There’s a part of me that enjoys looking pretty sometimes. There’s a much dirtier part of me that enjoys people looking at me lewdly. But all in all, I’d much rather still be a guy. My mind is slowly getting more and more… conflicted.”

“Are you sure it isn’t the ghost haunting you?” my guide asked.

“No, I’m not. That cunt-canoe could be the reason I like feeling pretty!”

“Mommy, you said you have some kind of pull. Do you think it could be your smell?”

“Not specifically the smell, but maybe something in my pheromones. My guess is that it’s either that or magic.”

“And you’re sure you want to tell everyone?” Taya slowly asked.

“Yes. Manipulating people is wrong, Taya. This needs to stop.” That made her roll her eyes, sadly. “Your lack of empathy is also something people find scary. You need to consider the feelings of others.”

“Why? They almost never consider yours or mine! Rainbow Dash called me a monster! Spike thought I’d kill him! Even T-Twilight s-said…” She trailed off and looked down.

“Spike thinks you’d kill him because you lack empathy. That’s probably part of why Dash called you a monster. Twilight’s just a bitch sometimes.”

“...I guess I could give that a try.”

“Flo can help. She’s fairly decent at it. Once you learn how to think that way, it becomes easier. Of course, you also need to distinguish when you can tell someone to go fuck themselves versus when you play nice. That’s something you can hopefully learn by watching me.”

“The blind leading the blind,” Pain said with a giggle. “Truly a beautiful world!”

“Man, eat a dick. Do we have any more memories rattling around in there?”

“We have one left. I hope you’re ready!” She didn’t wait, just slapped us both.

Surprisingly enough, we ended up with Luna. She was in a very spartan room. The walls were all red stone and the floor was covered in tile. There were no windows and nowhere for plants to find purchase. Luna was holding up a magic mirror. I could see Celestia on the other side.

“Navarone has failed your test of intelligence,” Celestia said with a smirk. “Quite spectacularly, I’d say.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luna said. “What happened to him?”

“Do you remember what you told me the morning after you gave Navarone his cursed items back?”

“Did… did he get cursed?”

“Did she get cursed, you mean,” Celestia said with a giggle. “And the answer is most definitely yes.”

Luna sighed and hung her head. “I’m so sorry, Nav. I thought you would have stopped using these things by now…”

“Well, she had quite a good reason. She discovered what happened to all the explorers we sent to the landmass south of mainland Equestria. They were eaten by giant spiders who absolutely despise all males.”

“Hm. Would you like me to raze their civilization?”

“No! I forbid you to go anywhere near them!”

“Um. Did… something happen?”

“Something utterly terrifying. All of Navarone’s stories about the past have been confirmed. We discovered a human mage leading the spiders. She is the most powerful being I have ever seen, save Discord. If we provoke them, there is no doubt in my mind that she would eradicate us in a heartbeat.”

“That is… astounding!”

“Indeed. Obviously, the more important news is Nav’s forced gender-swap. I’ve been giggling to myself ever since I heard!”

“...Why?” Luna slowly asked. “Surely he’s miserable!”

“Oh yes, he tried killing himself as soon as it happened,” Celestia said with a huge grin. “Just think, sister! Our problem might solve itself!”

“I doubt he will ever succeed. Though again, why do you find this funny?”

“I think it’s hilarious to see that smug human get knocked down a peg or two. And the best part is, there’s no way he can possibly deny that he deserves this for using obviously cursed stones. I’m going to enjoy having him here in Canterlot so I can dress him up like a doll!”

“Be wary of provoking him, sister. While he absolutely deserves this curse, rubbing it in his face will only bring disaster. I’m sure he will have enough difficulty adjusting that you can find your amusement just by watching.”

“Words of love disguised as wisdom,” Celestia said. “With luck, this event will go a long way to show Nav his place. And if not, I will teach it to her very quickly.”

“Fail to heed my warning at your peril. Provoking him is unwise.”

“We’ll see. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part! There was another race on the landmass, a group of monkeys. They captured Nav and made him a queen! He had to pretend to be a ruler for a week!”

“I’m sure he hated every minute…”

“Oh yes, he was quick to abandon them. The joke's on him, though. I made a settlement deal with the monkeys. When Nav finally annoys me enough to make him a noble, I’ll help them establish a colony in his fief! It’ll take a while for them to get all the way here, though.”

“How cruel of you, sister,” Luna said, though she was smiling and didn’t sound too upset. “Are you sure it’s wise to give someone who annoys you power and a loyal populace?”

“Yes. The more power I give him, the more he will have to behave. That’s all I have for now. I will continue to keep you updated on his journey, as promised.”

“Good. Farewell for now.” Luna set the mirror down without waiting for a response and sighed, hanging her head. “Oh, Nav… Wait, I think there’s a relic in Tartarus that could fix it!” Her horn lit up and floated a book over from a small shelf. She opened it up to the index and looked through it for a few seconds before flipping midway through the book. “Hm. A genie in a bottle? It’s status is marked as mythical, so there’s no way to know if it even exists. And it’s purported to be in the hands of… Nestorats. So it may not exist and it is definitely suicide.” The book snapped shut and floated back over to the shelf. “That will take some preparations to obtain. If I tell him, he’ll kill himself rushing straight to it.” She gasped and sat up straight. “I bet he’d forgive me if I found it!”

The memory ended, kicking us back to the ship. “That fucking bitch never told me!” I shouted. “Was she seriously just gonna keep that a secret until we found it to earn brownie points?!”

“I could see her doing that,” Pain said with a nod. “But I don’t actually know her intentions, I just have suspicions.”

“So that means it might be possible to change you back,” Taya said.

“Maybe. For some reason, a genie sounds familiar. I know there’s a lot of legends about them in my time, but I feel like I heard it more recently…”

“Pinkie,” the guide said. “She mentioned a three-eyed genie right before you left on the airship.”

“Of course it would be Pinkie. I’m not going to look too far into it, then. Even if I did somehow understand what I found, it would probably just piss me off. I am going to look into why Luna didn’t tell me a thing, though.”

“So can we talk about what a bitch Celestia was?” Taya asked.

“No, that’s not productive. She’s dead and I’m over it. Right now, I’m interested in more information about that genie. Aqua or Flo, can you track down Watcher and Twilight and give them their new research goal? I want to know everything there is to know about this genie. Don’t confront Luna. I’ll deal with her myself.”

“Is there a takeaway from this one?” Taya asked.

“Your mother already guessed it,” Pain said, bowing toward me. “Luna knew of a possible way to fix you and did not say a word.”

“That’s multiple strikes against my latest vassal. It’s entirely possible that, by the time this coma is over, her personality will be getting a few tweaks, too.”

“Why not just do that anyway?” Taya asked. “I’m pretty sure everyone is more afraid of her than me.”

“Because it’s evil. I’d rather do it the right way, if possible. But undoing five thousand years of abuse and a thousand years of abandonment might not be possible.”

“Well, whatever decision you make will obviously be the right one,” my sweet filly said. “After all, you’re the one making it!”

“Right, because she’s so obviously perfect,” Pain said. “Are you willing to admit that you deserved your fate, at least?

“Unfortunately, yes. I think we’re done here. Guide, I think it’s time to dip up outta here.”

“As you desire,” she said. Her eyes flashed and we moved on to bigger and better things.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Six

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Six

The three of us appeared in a small forest glade. I expected it to be time for more messages, but then Moonbeam and two bowing changelings appeared. “Is this a memory?” I asked.

“It is,” my guide replied. “The tree in you is making you see things again. My glade has more water and is much more impressive.”

“Cool.”

“You say you have a message from Navarone?” Moonie said, leaning forward slightly. “Where did you run into him?”

“Nav rescued us from an underwater city controlled by magical beings of water, my queen,” the same changeling said. “He brought us to pony territory and cut us loose with enough gold to get here.”

“An… underwater city? How did you survive? And what were you doing there?”

“There are pockets of air,” the other changeling said. “And we… survived on whatever emotions we could find. I was disguised as a guard on a noble’s vessel. It was attacked by pirates and I was left for dead on the sinking ship. The seaponies saved me and brought me to the city.”

“And I was infiltrating a dog pirate clan,” the other said. “We were hit by a storm and went under. The seaponies saved me, too.”

“...Seaponies. Hm. What was Nav doing there? Did his ship sink?”

“He was there to meet with the water beings. Apparently he brought two more to the city!”

“My oh my, what is my precious little human up to?”

“From what we gleaned and overheard, they’re looking for some manner of magical artifacts, along with more of the beings of water. They intend to collect all of them together.”

“Hm. Perhaps it’s time I spoke with Celestia. It seems she’s hiding some things from me. So, what was his message?”

“He sends his greetings, along with a promise to visit within the coming months. I’m inclined to believe something he seeks is nearby.”

“Oh, that would be delightful,” she said with a cute grin. “Did he have anything else to say about me?”

“W-well… He told us you had been captured by… Princess Celestia.”

“He speaks the truth, though he may not have mentioned that he helped her fight me. It is no matter. Did he say anything else at all?”

“Only one thing,” the other said. “B-but… It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to repeat.”

“Ah. Yes, Nav is fond of his lascivious remarks. I’ll make sure to speed a few things along to impress him!”

“He’s an amazing hero!” one said, his tail wagging slightly. The manic look in his eyes led me to believe it was the crazy one. “We were down there for so long, but he pulled us free like it was nothing!”

“Nav has a habit of pulling off all manner of surprising things,” Moonbeam said. “You will have some time to rest here in the capital, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about Navarone’s exploits. He even has his own statue!”

“So, my queen, what do you intend to do with us?” the sane one asked.

“First, you are going to tell me everything you know about Nav and those he is with. All of his followers, his ship, and especially any of his lovers. He’s been too far away for me to spy on for long…” The two of them shared a short look. “Then, you will tell me all you know about this city, its inhabitants, and its rulers.”

“What about… us?” the guy asked.

That made her blink. “What about you?”

“We don’t have anywhere to go…”

“Oh. After my ignominious capture, I was forced into a treaty with the ponies. Part of that is a guaranteed source of food. You will be given a place here until I have need of you. Now is Nav still with that dragon hussy?”

The memory turned grey, so I walked over to kiss Moonie on the nose. “That’s weird, mommy,” Taya said.

“No it’s not, you’re weird!” I walked away from my buggy love, though. “It’s good to know she’s spying on me, but it’s honestly not that surprising.”

“I like her, but do you really want to live underground?” Taya asked. “Isn’t that kinda bad for us?”

“It is bad for us,” I said. “That’s one of the other big problems with her, aside from the mysterious deal. That said, there’s no reason in particular for her to continue living underground, aside from the convenience of not having to change your capital city. Let’s say your only choices were royals. Who would you pick?”

“Celestia,” she immediately replied. “You’re already a national hero in Equestria, so it would be super easy to explain it. You’d gain all of her authority, we’d live in the most comfortable palace in the world, I’d get access to all her forbidden spellbooks, and you can continue fooling around with whoever you want since you literally own her. It’s a win across the board and I still can’t understand why you didn’t just marry her when we brainwashed her.”

“That’s because you lack empathy,” I said, reaching down to pinch her cheek. “It feels wrong to brainwash someone into loving me.”

“You’re, like, the only one who thought so,” Taya said. “Doesn’t that mean we’re in the right?”

“No, I won because I had the better arguments that convinced enough people that I was correct. To start with, brainwashing in general is bad. But adding on forced marriage just goes a little too far for me.”

“So Celestia’s out of the running?” Taya asked. “Don’t tell me you’re seriously considering that bird brain.”

“Gilda is extremely smart and marrying her would have… advantages. It would also have difficulties. I’m doubtful about her.”

“I’d rather have Moonbeam than Gilda,” Taya said. “And if she can spoil us as much as Celestia, I’d say the two of them are on par. But Celestia would be better for your reputation, I think.”

“Choices, choices… So what’s the takeaway from this one?”

“What did you think about your time in Atlantis?” Fear asked, making Taya jump.

“That’s Fear,” I said.

“...Luna?” Taya asked.

“She’s probably the scariest person I’ve ever met. She’s also done several terrifying things to me. And to answer the question, I didn’t really think much about it. We went down there, spent a few minutes talking to some of the prisoners, met with the leaders, then left. I haven’t really thought much about it since, though seeing Aurora and the ex-pirates was interesting. I guess Sketch also became an employee, so there’s that.”

“You think so little of events that change others so much,” Reason said.

“And that’s Reason, of course,” I said.

“...Twilight?” Taya asked. “Reason? How did that happen?”

“I’m still trying to figure it out myself. And I guess I did kinda change history in Atlantis, didn’t I? I rescued two of the sailors directly and kinda sorta helped the rest out. I also got their leaders to agree to abandon their thrones to follow me on my mad quest. So why is Fear here? I don’t remember really being afraid.”

“You were, for a few reasons,” Fear replied. “First, you thought being in the clutches of five water elementals while so far away from your crew was scary, because they could easily wipe out Flo and change you without anybody finding out. Second, because you had no idea if they’d agree to your proposal and you had already been through so much getting just as far as you had. And third, because you didn’t know if they’d let you, the only human, leave the supposed safety of their underwater prison.”

“You’re always tense, so I didn’t notice,” Taya said with a shrug. “But do you really think the elementals would have tried keeping you down there?”

“According to Flo, they decided to let me stay free by a single vote. And given what Aqua did to me, I have no doubt in my mind that they would have forced me to become a sea princess or something stupid like that.”

“So why did you take the risk?” Fear asked.

“Because as Pain put it, I had given up. I was going to take any risk, no matter how big or small, to forward my goal. The way I figured, I warned everyone beforehand that I probably wasn’t the best leader and everything would likely end up with us all horribly dying, so it was only fair for me to go full retard.”

“Wow. Thanks for having our best interests at heart, mommy.”

“What, suicide wasn’t bad enough to kill your faith in me? Oh man, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”

“Don’t be silly!” Taya said, jumping up to hug me. “I could never lose faith in my mommy! You disappoint me a lot, though.”

“That’s why I was doing my best to keep your expectations of me low.”

“Then you shoulda been a worse mommy!” She slid down, her smile disappearing. “I never really understood how much all of this affected you. Why don’t you ever explain your motivations to me? Or how you feel?”

“Because communication is hard. This coma is our dam-breaker. I’m done with the secrets and nonsense between us. You get to see how I feel firsthand.”

“Firsthoof.”

“That too. Now, shall we keep this gravy train rolling?”

“Are you sure that’s your desire?” my guide asked. “I think you can guess what’s next.”

“I knew it was coming,” I sighed. “I was hoping I’d get through it before Taya arrived, but it seems the fates conspired against me yet again.”

“W-what are you… Oh no. Is it t-the bunker?”

“It is,” my guide said with a nod.

“Taya, I didn’t tell anyone but Celestia the full story. We are about to walk into a nightmare. I don’t know how much of the sheer terror I felt will transfer into the coma, but I’ve run into a few boss rooms. This will probably be one of them. Are you ready?”

“My momma ain’t raise no bitch,” she replied with the most adorable grin ever.

“I love you. Let’s do it.”

My guide giggled and her eyes finally flashed, sending us into the darkness.

Taya and I appeared in a narrow shaft. I immediately pushed her out the doors and jumped right as the first elevator crashed down. She was still struggling to her hooves when the second crash knocked her back down. I yanked my sword out and faced down the long hallway as she caught her breath.

“W-what was that?” Taya asked.

“Elevators.” I took a quick stock and discovered all I had besides my clothing was the sword and a flashlight. “While you’re here, expect to see and hear things that aren’t actually there. Also be prepared to fight at all times, because the bunker can manifest spirits to hunt you.”

“So is the plan to kill on sight?”

“You can’t kill what’s already dead. If it’s at all possible, wait for my order to start attacking. Especially if it’s a clown. Not everything here was hostile, just the vast majority of it.”

“Is this where you started?” she asked.

“It is. I fell down that shaft right there and hit both elevators on the way down. Hitting them broke the cables and knocked them down right as I hit the ground. Then I walked this way for a few minutes before running into a room full of skeletons. Shall we?”

“Where’s the guide?” Taya asked as we began moving.

“The spirits may or may not show up in boss rooms. We might see or hear some of them later. But in the bunker, the flashlight was my guide. When I fell down the shaft, it shattered. I guess something haunted it, because it worked fine when nothing was around, but started to freak out whenever the dead were acting up.”

It didn’t take us long to come across what I assumed was Artyom’s skeleton on the floor. I started hearing whispering as soon as it came within sight. “Do you hear that?” my filly asked.

“Yes. This is the first body I ran into, the first sign I had that humanity really did exist in the past. I heard whispering around the bodies back then, too.”

“I… can’t really understand it, though,” she said. “What’s it saying?”

“Who cares?” I continued walking and she jumped to follow. “Most of the spirits had sob stories. I don’t see why his is supposed to be special.”

“Then why did you stop?”

I blinked and realized that I had, in fact, stopped. Not only did I stop, but I knelt down and picked up the skull with a trembling hand. “A-Artyom?” my mouth whispered.

“Whoa, is that the ghost?” Taya asked. Instead of waiting for a reply, she used magic to rip me away from the body, making me scream. Thankfully, she slapped me upside the face, finally killing the possession.

“What the fuck?” I said. “Taya, destroy those bones!”

Before her horn could light up, I heard the rattling of a chain and something started choking me. “DON’T YOU DARE!” someone behind me screeched. Taya gasped and jumped back. I finally looked up and saw a very pissed off Russian ghost lady floating over me, using the collar and chain connecting us to try and choke me.

“First you steal my body, now you try to kill me?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“I won’t let you touch him!”

“He’s kinda already dead!”

She stopped trying to kill me and floated over to his skull. “Oh, my love… Why must I be chained to one so heartless, so vile?”

“Wasn’t this your fault?” I asked. “Didn’t you try to take over my body or whatever?”

“How was I supposed to know it was occupied?! You have no… no light! Your filly shines so brightly, but there is nothing in you! And now that I have seen who you are, I have no desire to be attached!”

“Good, I’m looking for a way to get my own soul. I don’t want a used one that’s already claimed by a god or whatever. Maybe I can trade you to Death for the soul of a viking or something!”

“Surely a pure soul would be worth ten of those barbarians!”

“Their god carried a hammer. Your god was nailed to a cross. Now, will you stop bitching and let us keep going if we carry the skull? I promise we won’t watch if you want to do weird things to it.”

It was obvious she wanted to keep complaining, but she managed to rein herself in with some visible effort. “You are correct: He is dead. There is no sense crying over the vessel when I know I will find his soul in the next life.”

“So can I try killing her now?” Taya asked.

“Only if she starts choking me again.” With luck, she’ll shut up and disappear again.

“I can hear your thoughts,” Ava coldly replied.

“Then why are you still here? You should know exactly how wanted you are.”

“I cannot always manifest, but something about being here in this bunker… You are in this coma to better yourself, or so you say. From your actions, I see how little you’ve learned. My god preached love and betterment. I know he was once yours, too. Perhaps I can help show you back to him.”

“Oh boy. So the things you’ve seen over my shoulder haven’t convinced you yet that Jesus probably wasn’t really all that divine? My assumption is that he was just a mage who liked helping people. And the old testament God was likely just some dude who drank from a magic fountain and started ruling over people who didn’t.”

“Perhaps. But there’s more to religion than God. Shall we continue?”

I started walking, the ghost easily floating behind me. “So are we just gonna accept this?” Taya asked.

“Sure, why not? I don’t know how to make her fuck off, I doubt you can kill her, and I’m tired of hearing her complain.”

“‘Kay. So who’s God?”

Before Ava could start proselytizing, we entered the large greeting room that had been turned into impromptu food storage. “Why are there so many skeletons here?” Ava slowly asked. “They… they told us this place was sealed!”

“They were keeping humans here to eat,” I said. “See how most of them are missing limbs? One of the visions I had was of your husband trying to get in here. The guard said it was food storage.”

“Gross,” Taya said.

“How… how could this have happened?” Ava slowly whispered. “E-everyone here was so kind at first!”

“Another vision I saw had one of the leaders talking about how their farms kept breaking down. Were there food shortages?”

“T-there were… problems upon problems… But how could we do this to each other?!”

“Discord. He visited the bunkers one by one, clearing them out. This bunker got a signal from the other groups of survivors, but chose to ignore it. That means they never got the warning.”

“...So it is his fault my Artyom perished.”

“It’s his fault that all of humanity perished. You can read my mind, right? Why don’t you already know all of this?”

“I dug into your memories once. I quickly decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“Lucky,” Taya muttered, kicking a nearby bone. “So why aren’t these whispering?”

“They stopped being humans before they died,” I said. “And cattle don’t have much to say.”

“I wish I could slap you right now,” Ava said.

“Sucks for you.” I continued walking to the next door. Through it was the barricade where Artyom got shot. Since I didn’t want to hear more of her sob story, I refrained from pointing it out as we entered the next large room.

“This is where we were given our jobs,” Ava said, looking around. “And this is where my first bad feeling about this place came in…”

“See that third door?” I asked. At the moment, it was the only one that was open.

“...I do,” she slowly said.

“There’s a furnace in there. If there were any undesirables, they murdered them on the spot.”

“So how did you find that out, mommy?” Taya asked.

“Because that was the only door open before, too. I almost got cooked. Taya, blow open the middle door.” Her horn lit up and she started cutting through it. “You don’t want to blow it up?”

“We’re underground, mommy. The concussion might burst our eardrums. You gotta be careful when using destruction magic. But I do kinda wanna blow it up…”

“At least one of you has common sense,” Ava said, rolling her ghastly eyes.

“You’re kidding, right?” my filly said. “I’m an idiot compared to mommy!”

“I just don’t know everything, I’m impatient, and I like explosions,” I said. “And seriously, fuck this place.”

“At least on that, we can both agree,” Ava said, finally smiling.

“What’s on the other side of the middle door?” Taya asked.

“A short hallway, followed by an elevator shaft.”

She nodded and pulled the door back, then carefully set it against a wall. “Ready when you are.”

“Thank you for coming to help me, Taya,” I said as I started walking again. “Facing the bunker again on my own would be… difficult.”

“Right, just pretend I’m not here,” Ava said.

“I’m trying, but it’s harder when you talk,” I said. We finally got to the elevator shaft and I peeked up. “I’m not really sure how to go about this one. The elevator is gonna fall when I start going up the ladder. I’m honestly not sure your legs will be able to climb it. If we pull the elevator down now, the shockwave might destroy enough of the rusty ladder that we can’t move up.”

“Let me see if I can teleport,” Taya said. Nothing happened. She went cross-eyed to look at her horn. “It… isn’t working. What if I ride on your back, catch the elevator when it falls, then slice it apart so we can drop it without hitting either of us?”

“Works for me.” I knelt down so she could latch onto me, then carefully stood. She was just on the verge of being too heavy and climbing the ladder wasn’t going to be fun. “Good?”

“Yep!”

“If possible, use magic to hold the ladder rungs in place, too,” I said. “As old as they are, they might collapse under us both.”

“That gives me an idea,” she said with a scary tone.

“What kind of idea?” I asked as I finally started climbing.

“I can rip these things from the wall when we’re done and bring them with us. If we run into another shaft like this where you can’t fly, I can let you use them to climb.”

“You can’t just create magic rungs?”

The elevator finally started rushing toward us, so she concentrated on it instead of talking. That let me focus on holding on, so I wasn’t complaining. About a minute later, the elevator was in pieces at the bottom of the shaft and we were finally at the top.

“You work together well,” Ava said. “Is this coma for you or for her, Nav?”

“Yes. Was this the orientation center?”

“It was,” she said with a nod. “We were taken into a theater and shown the laws of the bunker along with all of the highlights and other information we needed to know. Unfortunately, it didn’t include anything about rapist priests, mass starvation, or cannibalism.”

“That’s how they lure you in,” I said with a nod. “When I came here, I passed through the theater. The ghosts used it as psychological warfare, so we’re using Taya to get through it quickly.” We started moving over to the only open door, which led to the theater of horrors. “There’s another door on the far side of the theater. You need to cut through it as quickly as possible, because the room will start affecting us as soon as we get inside.”

“Would destroying the projector help?” Ava asked. “It should be simple for magic to crush it, should it not?”

“It probably would,” I said. “Taya, at the back of the theater will be a projector. When the movie starts, that’s where the light comes from. If we don’t get through quickly enough, can you crush it?”

“Are you really just gonna make me do everything?” Taya asked.

“Consider it your chores,” I said. “Just uh… Don’t tell any of the normal ponies that your chores include digging through haunted bunkers and killing things.”

“‘Kay.” We finally got into the shitty room of horrors. As soon as we got up to the seats, the projector kicked on, only to get turned into a ball about the size of an orange. “Your chores are so easy, mommy!”

“Good. Just know that there’s a lot more coming, including some combat, so don’t go overboard. This is an endurance run.”

“Got it.”

Without the projector, the feeling of unease in the room was gone. Taya quickly had the door open and we continued on to the catwalk with the map. “This is where I first realized how large the bunker was,” Ava said. “I have no idea how they built it in secret.”

“They weren’t the only ones,” I said. “I know there was at least one in America and another in Europe. The two we’ve been to so far were probably only held in place by the spirits residing within.”

“So what’s our path?” Taya asked.

“This path takes us to the park. Once we get there, we go to the church, then up to the command center. From there, we’ll go through the living quarters and run into a boss named Ivan.”

“I-Ivan?” Ava gasped. “That butcher?”

“The very same. He looks extremely scary, but he has no idea how to fight. After we get past him, we’ll come to an iron forest with a hostile hunter. After the forest is more hallways, then the mall, theme park, medical, and finally industrial with the slavemaster.”

“...The slavemaster injured me,” Ava slowly said. “And Artyom must have had to face the hunter and the butcher himself!”

“Assuming they were still alive at that point. We’ll start running into hostile spirits when we get to the park. Ava, how well do you know this place? Most of my time was spent roaming through hallways. If you can get us to the exit faster, I’d be grateful.”

“You just want to be rid of me quicker, don’t you?”

“No, the bunker was traumatic and I don’t want to subject my filly to it for longer than necessary. I also don’t want to subject myself to it for longer than necessary. I might even stop blaming you for trying to take my body!”

“Hmph. The path you took is the fastest available, minus all the aimless wandering you were forced into. I can cut that down. Between me and your filly, we can get through here in no time. Allow me to be your guide through this valley of darkness.”

“Okay, Virgil. Shall we progress to the next layer?”

She smirked. “Still a religious reference, so I win! Right this way, Lady Navarone. There’s an elevator at the end of the catwalk.”

We started walking again, Taya’s hooves clanging against the metal floor. “So how do you feel about mommy’s forced transformation?” my filly asked.

“Such a thing is an affront of nature,” Ava replied. “It is unfathomable to be parted from the body given to us by our lord. I understand your pain, Nav.”

“Shit sucks hella hard, but I finally got a light at the end of the tunnel. Speaking of which…” We were at the end of the walkway, in front of the open elevator. I pulled my sword out and pried the elevator back, then jiggled it a few times before pulling the sword out and stepping back. A few seconds later, the cable broke and it fell down a floor.

“Knowing everything that’s coming makes this much easier,” Taya said.

“Oh yeah. And having people with me makes it a lot less spooky. Even if, you know, one of them is a ghost.”

“Thank you for not discriminating,” Ava said. “Now shall we?”

I knelt down so Taya could hop on my back. When she was secured, I started climbing again. “We’re going to run into a fucked up little girl right outside the elevator. Smoke that bitch on sight or she might eat us.”

“Are you sure we can’t reason with them?” Taya asked. “Maybe Ava could talk to them or something.”

“Fine. Be prepared to smoke them on sight.” We finally got to the top. “Anything out there, Ava?”

She floated out the door and looked around. “I see the girl. She’s hidden in the gloom a few meters away. At the moment, she looks normal.”

“Right, I forgot it’s also really dark in there. The flashlight won’t cut it. Taya, light.” She summoned a small ball of light that expanded when we finally slid into the large room.

With the light, we could easily see the girl skipping toward us with a smile on her face. “Ava, you’re back!” When she got close and saw us, she skidded to a halt. “L-living?! How?!”

“Be at ease, little one,” Ava said. “They are trapped here and merely seek to escape. I am guiding them through.”

“Y-you can’t! Although… The pony is super cute!” She teleported forward to hug Taya, making my daughter squeak and start shivering. I ripped my sword out to stab the bitch, but Ava grabbed the hand with the sword and somehow stopped me. “She’s so warm and fuzzy! I’m supposed to eat the living, but I couldn’t hurt something this cute!”

When she let Taya go, Ava finally released me. “Shall we continue on, then?” Ava asked. Taya immediately jumped to my side, shivering. I put my hand on her head and started walking. “The church is not too far, thankfully.”

“I have a feeling we’ll run into a few more spooky scaries,” I said. “Taya, be ready. I doubt they’ll be as… friendly.”

“...She was so icy,” Taya whispered.

“So do you intend to run through here or do you intend to fight?” Ava asked.

“If it’s hostile, we kill it. If we can’t kill it, we stop it. If we can’t stop it, you make faces at it while Taya and I run.”

“Understood, oh fearless leader,” she said, almost sounding amused. “I should note that they’ll probably be drawn by the light.”

“Good. It’s time for some payback.” That made my filly giggle.

“Payback for what?” the little girl asked.

“I have a grudge against the undead. If you weren’t with Ava and also cute, I’d sic my filly on you.”

“Something that cute can’t be mean! She wouldn’t hurt me, she’d just cuddle me!”

Taya rolled her eyes and made the girl’s head explode. Thankfully, her lifeless corpse fell to the ground instead of moving to attack us. “Sorry, I couldn’t deal with that anymore.”

“She wasn’t hostile!” Ava said. “Your mother’s rule only included hostiles!”

“She’s undead. Of course she’s hostile. Come on, mommy. Back me up on this!”

“Taya, don’t go around exploding the heads of people you don’t like. Self-defense only, unless you have permission. But since we’ve determined that you can kill the undead, I’ll let you handle most of the small fry, since my sword only works on one at a time. We’ll work together against the bosses.”

“Makes sense, I guess. I hear shuffling.”

“More ghouls are coming through the gloom,” Ava said. “I’m picking up… several.”

“Taya, remember that this is an endurance run. Practice killing with the absolute minimum amount of force. I already know how powerful you are, so there’s no one to impress.”

“Ugh, fine. Blowing them up is more fun, though. Let’s see… According to Twilight, ghouls are a subspecies of vampony. So I’d need to go for their heart, right?”

“Ghoul might be a misnomer. You’re lucky you didn’t see the girl’s actual form, because it was legit horrifying. Just assume you need to go for their brain.”

“Got it.” Her horn lit up and a dark bubble appeared over us. A moment later, a light that should have been blinding appeared above us, illuminating a large amount of the room we were in.

It was obvious the place had once been beautiful. A few dead trees here and there made me assume it had likely been a park. The playground was large enough for a few dozen children. What was left of the church still looked pretty nice, minus the skeletons decorating it. The twenty undead beasts shambling toward us did a lot to mar the beauty, too. All of the skeletons hanging from the ceiling didn’t help, either.

“Should I wait for them to get closer to see if they’re hostile, too?” Taya asked. “Apparently I can’t upset our unwanted guest.”

“Don’t be petty. Just kill them.” She snorted and all the undead started collapsing, leaking black fluid from their ears and nose.

“Surviving here would have been much easier with magic,” Ava said. “We probably could have escaped!”

“Escaped to what?” I asked. “This bunker is in the middle of Antarctica. You’d freeze to death the instant you got out of the elevator.”

“Another bunker sent a rescue team,” she said. “They didn’t know if there was anyone left alive, so we were struggling to get to the top before they left. The elevators were sealed, but we didn’t know where they actually were. I went to the top of the shaft and Artyom went to the bottom. I made it, but I couldn’t get them to work. Apparently he didn’t make it…”

“...Why wouldn’t everyone left alive abandon everything to work together to escape?” I asked. “This place was a nightmare among nightmares.”

“The internal communication system died first, so the message didn’t spread far. We happened to be holed up in a control room when the message came in. And of course, to an angry, raging cannibal, hearing that there’s a rescue team coming is almost definitely just a sign of your prey trying to escape.”

“Man, fuck everything about that,” I said. “I’d rather die in the nuclear firestorm than go through that bullshit.”

“Precisely my thought as well,” Ava sighed.

“Is that the church?” Taya asked. We were finally getting close to the large cathedral. Now that I could see it better, I realized it was more run-down than I had realized. The entrance looked more like a gaping mouth than a door.

“That would be it,” I said. “We haven’t been hit by any visions yet, but there might be one when we get inside the church.”

“Would you mind stopping a moment so I could pray?” Ava asked.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Do you really think god’s gonna hear you all the way in hell?”

“Naturally.”

“Fine, whatever. But you have to deal with the guilt if something eats me and my filly.”

“Don’t be a baby. You’re in a coma anyway, so you’d just respawn.” When we walked into the church, she gasped. “W-what happened to the statue?!”

“It was defaced,” I said. “Literally.” It looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to the face of the big Jesus statue in the entrance hall.

“And someone put holes in his hands and feet,” Taya said.

“No, those are supposed to be there,” I said. “Remember that god who was nailed to a tree I mentioned earlier? Meet Jesus.”

“The god with the hammer sounds cooler. Who wants to worship some dead guy on a stick? Can I walk around while she talks to herself?”

“No, stay by my side at all times.”

“You should have more respect for the foundation of western culture,” Ava said. “You’d think an American would have at least some tolerance for Christianity!”

“After seeing that the ponies have gods of their own, I don’t see why ours are anything special. Hurry up and pray so we can leave. Preferably silently.”

She rolled her eyes and floated over to the Jesus statue. I’m not sure how she managed to kneel down while floating in the air, but she did it.

“So what’s the point of this?” Taya whispered.

“Personal comfort,” I replied. “It makes you feel better about not actually doing things.”

“Or it allows you to give thanks for the things you are given,” Ava said. “If we only turn to God when we need things, what manner of children are we?”

“Just don’t ask questions about it, please,” I said. “You’re just giving her more opportunities to waste time and annoy me.”

“I hear something coming,” Taya said. “From outside.” I pulled my sword out and turned to face that way. It turns out to have been a waste of time, because Taya crushed the zombie’s brain as soon as it came into sight. It crumpled to the ground. “More are just gonna keep coming.”

“I am finished,” Ava said. “With luck, His guidance will see us through.”

“I prefer mommy’s guidance. She knows where all the enemies are.”

“Let’s see if we get a spooky vision,” I said as we finally walked into the worship room.

“What kind of—” Taya was cut off by the appearance of a small group of five survivors huddled around a fire. There was a pot of red liquid bubbling over the coals.

As soon as we saw them, they noticed us and jumped to their feet. Since I still had my sword out, I sliced the closest one open. The others grabbed their large clubs and started charging, but Taya’s horn lit up and each one collapsed, leaking more blood.

“That kind of vision, apparently,” I said. “Not at all the one I had before.”

“So why did you attack?” Ava asked.

“Why wouldn’t I? The sooner I get done here the better. I have a magic sword and my filly’s special talent is murder, so violence seems like the fastest solution. The only ghost I’m here to talk to is the clown.”

“Good, so let’s keep going,” Taya said, continuing to walk further in. I joined her and the bodies and fire disappeared. “Where to next?”

“One door leads to Igor’s sex dungeon. The other leads to a ladder that goes to the command bunker.”

“What?!” Ava shouted. “There’s a ladder right here?!”

“Yeah, I’ll show you.” Taya let me take the lead and they both followed into the main bishop’s office. “See the wall here?” I asked, pointing at an area that was more warped and discolored. When they both saw it, I kicked it in, revealing the ladder. “This goes way, way up to a room full of monitors and shit. I had another vision in there that made me think it was the command bunker.”

“He… he could have skipped… the entire bunker! He could have gone straight there!”

“See there? Mommy’s a much better guide than that dead guy!”

“It’s a tight fit, though. You might be squeezed against the wall a little.”

“Are there a lot of areas like this?” Taya asked. “Where I’ll have to hold onto you?”

“Yeah, there are several ladders, some of which are pretty tight.”

“Should I just turn into a human?”

“No, you’ll destroy your feet on the glass and rust without any shoes. We’ll make it work.” I knelt down so she could hop up on my back, then started the long climb up.

“I can’t believe this was here the whole time,” Ava said. “Are you sure it’s the right command center?”

“No. This place is massive, so I doubt there was only one command center. Taya, is this too tight?”

“I’m good. The closer I get to cuddle to mommy, the better!”

“So just what was running through your head the first time you came here?” Ava asked after a minute of silence.

“Oh shit, oh fuck, I’m gonna die, what the hell. It was pretty much that on repeat for a few days. Add in being kept awake with magic for nearly a month and you get some unpleasant results.”

“My mind was pretty much consumed with getting mommy back,” Taya said. “And killing undead to sate my bloodthirst.”

“Taya, you’re prey. You don’t have bloodthirst.”

“How can I be prey if my special talent is murder?”

“Back in my time, cows killed more people than sharks. That doesn’t mean we ever considered them anything other than dinner, though.”

“Well, sharks were basically extinct anyway,” Ava said. “So it’s not like they’d kill many.”

“They weren’t when I got taken. Point is, you’re a cute widdle filly. That makes you prey, regardless of what you do to fill your time. Send a light up the tunnel. I want to see how far we are.”

Taya’s horn lit up and a few lights appeared. They all started floating up the tube and stopped along the way to create a path. Thankfully, it wasn’t too much further. “So did you really just climb this blindly?” Taya asked. “What if the top had been locked?”

“The undead were surrounding the building. It was up or death.”

“And it likely saved at least a day’s travel time,” Ava said. “When we first got here, the bunker was a breeze to get around. But after things started breaking down, people would erect barricades, lock up elevators, and knock down walls. The place was an ever-changing labyrinth of nightmares.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet. I’d much rather take the nuclear holocaust. At least then your soul could go somewhere instead of being stuck in a hellish limbo.”

“At the very least, I’ve gotten to see a lot more of the world while attached to your side. It truly is a beautiful place, even if many of the denizens in it are troubled.”

“I bet you’ve seen a lot of mares, too,” Taya said with a giggle.

“More than I ever wanted to. I do my best not to watch.”

“You’re just jealous that I’m happier fucking tons of random strangers than you were fucking your loving husband.”

“No, I’m horribly depressed that you’re abusing your body this way. You’re destroying your self-worth little by little with each new partner. Part of why you feel so miserable all the time is because instead of getting emotionally close to someone and letting yourself become whole, you try to fill the missing gaps with sex.”

“Yeah, well, you’re dead, so what would you know?”

“What she said makes sense to me,” Taya said. “You know it’s bad for you, you just don’t want to admit she’s right.”

“Oh look, we’re here,” I said, reaching up to push open the door. Taya beat me to it and blew the top off with magic. I finally pulled us out and let my filly climb off. “Are your legs okay?”

“They’ll be fine after a few minutes of walking,” she said with a nod. “So is this the same control room?”

“No, thankfully,” Ava said. “Shall we continue?”

“Let the speedrun continue,” I said. “We won’t get any achievements since magic probably counts as any%, but I’m fine with that.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?” Taya asked.

“Not to you.” Nobody ever understands me… And since I know nobody is reading this, nobody ever will! And if anyone does, it means I have some killing to do…

We finally started moving again. When we got to the hall, we went left. “So why say things that don’t make sense?” Taya asked.

“Well, you talk about wanting to have sex with me all the time, and that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense to me!”

“Yeah, and what I say usually makes perfect sense to me.”

“It was a reference to video games,” Ava said. “Any% refers to cheating. Achievements are in-game trophies you get for various things. If you make references like these, you need to at least explain them! Otherwise, you just make everyone else feel like the butt of the joke.”

“...She actually does make some sense!” Taya said, honestly sounding surprised. “Are you telling me there were normal humans?!”

“Most of us were, in fact,” Ava said. “Navarone was deeply neglected as a child, so he developed poorly.”

“I’m literally right here,” I said. “And I really don’t like being reminded of it, so wait until I’m not around.”

“I… kinda can’t,” Ava said.

“You can tell me more,” Taya said. “I was neglected too, so I understand…”

“Don’t you start with me,” I said.

“I wish you would start mothering me!”

“I have been mothering the shit out of you lately, missy!”

That made her giggle. “You have! And I love it, mommy!”

“Good. Now, we’re coming up on another fight. This time it’s skeletons and they can’t die. The room is also full of traps. As soon as the skeletons spawn, force them all to the ground. That should break enough bones that we can get through easily.”

“Got it. Could that Jesus guy tell me where an entire room full of enemies is, along with how to kill them?”

“Taya, stop it,” I said. “Don’t get her started, please.”

“You say Jesus and God all the time but you never explain it!”

“Then read the Bible on my bookshelf. I made sure to keep a single copy for looks.”

“I think it’s time for a Bible lesson!” Ava said. “Today, we’re starting in John…”

“Oh look, the barricade,” I said. “That means the door should be opening right about…”

Sure enough, the new door slid open. Inside was the dormitory full of bones and traps. “Wait, that room looks familiar,” Ava said.

“I had a vision of you and Artyom, before.” I led the way inside. Taya quickly followed, her horn lighting up. “They spawned as soon as I triggered a trap. They despawned when I got to the other door. We might be able to get all the way through without triggering any traps, but they might spawn anyway and then we’d be surrounded by undead in a room full of traps.”

“Twilight taught me a new spell on the way to the Zone,” Taya said. “One used to trigger traps. Want me to use it?”

“Cover your ears, trigger them, wait a few seconds, then uncover them.” She and I both covered our ears, then she used magic to trigger all the traps. The only gun was the shotgun, thankfully. There were a few bear traps, a single large spike that fell from the ceiling, and a confetti cannon.

As soon as the last of the confetti hit the floor, the bones started shaking. “I wonder if I knew any of them…” Ava said as they pulled themselves together.

“Probably. Taya?” Her horn lit up brighter and all of the skeletons slammed to the floor. I pulled my sword out and started picking my way across, slashing at any arm or leg that got close.

Taya followed behind, chuckling at the bones wiggling around. “Aren’t you glad you had me trained to be the best attack filly ever?” she finally asked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you need to ever say that.”

“Hm… Did you ever come up with another inappropriate yet adorable nickname?” When we got out of the room, the bones stopped moving around.

“Yes. You’re my little hornyhorse,” I said, tapping her horn.

“I love it!” she said. “Best mommy ever!”

“I should have said a longer prayer,” Ava sighed.

“You’re just jealous that you don’t have an adorable filly,” Taya smugly replied.

“...The joy of motherhood is something I never got to experience,” Ava slowly said. “It surprises me that there are those who would so casually throw it away.”

“We’ll be coming up to the first boss soon,” I said. “Ivan the butcher. He looks pretty spooky. I’m not sure how well magic will affect him, so let me take him.”

“You sure, mommy?” Taya asked. “If you’re too scared, I wouldn’t mind!”

“How could I possibly be scared with a filly to protect? I have to be brave to keep up your spirits!”

“Why would I be scared? I have magic to protect me! But you’re a sweet defenseless lady, so I gotta keep you safe.” I flicked one of her ears. “And this is the thanks I get!”

“He’s scary, but not that good in a fight. I was able to take him on even with all my injuries. Now that I’ve had more training, he should be cake.”

“...Then why are you making him up to be such a big baddie?” Taya asked. “Does he really count as a boss?”

“It’s a boss of a dungeon I’ve cleared already. I’m just railroading two newbs so we can get the XP and loot faster.”

“Another videogame reference,” Ava said. “Basically, it means she’s been through here already, so her experience makes it much easier. Because it’s easier for her, she can guide us through much faster.”

“Maybe we should keep Ava after all,” Taya said. “It’s nice to actually understand what you say!”

“I guess I need to get more obscure. I was hoping Russia would still be a cultural wasteland, especially after religion took over again.”

“If you don’t want to be understood, why say anything at all?” Ava asked.

“Mostly to annoy people,” I replied with a shrug.

“I knew it!” Taya shouted, slapping a hoof against the floor. “Why would you want to annoy your own filly?!”

“I dunno, because it brings me a sick kind of joy? Like, I’m seriously fucked in the head. You realize that, right?”

“At least you recognize it,” Ava said with a nod. “And admitting your problem is the first step to solving it! Since you’re using this coma as a chance to change for the better, wouldn’t you say it’s time to leave that mean-spirited habit behind?”

“I’d say it’s time for you to go fuck yourself.”

“I can read your thoughts,” she replied with a giggle. “I know you agree and are gonna start working on it!”

“Yes, I think we should keep her,” Taya said. “You can get a soul of your own and we can just keep her like a pet! Then she can tell me all your secrets when you feel like being difficult!”

“For one who once called pride a weakness, you sure fall victim to it a lot,” Ava said. “Is it so difficult to admit that I’m right?”

“A bodysnatcher isn’t entitled to answers,” I said, flipping her off.

“Oh, you’re just mad about my smug, better-than-thou tone,” she said, reaching down to pat me on the head. I felt it, unfortunately. “Didn’t you say humiliation was something you enjoyed, though?”

“What would your husband think about you hitting on a woman?”

“...Honestly? He’d probably be into it. I wouldn’t, though. No matter how much of it I’m forced to witness, I have no desire to be with another woman, especially you.”

“Ouch, my feelings.” Before I could continue complaining, I saw a light up ahead. “You see that?”

“I do,” Taya said. “What is it?”

“When I first came into the room with Ivan, it was bright and sunny. I ended up in another illusion, this one from my own past.” Taya gasped in surprise and started galloping forward, but I snatched her tail before she could get far. “Don’t be dumb, you’re better than that.” She groaned and started walking next to me, grumbling.

The light got brighter and everything started heating up as we got closer. All the memories started coming back to me and I slowly drew the sword as we neared the room. “Sure you don’t want me to kill him?” Taya sweetly asked.

“He’s mine. I’m done running from him in my mind. I’m not afraid of that monster anymore.”

“I’ll do my best to stay out of your way,” Ava said. “But do remember that we’re attached. If you move too quickly, you might get choked on accident.”

“You can read my mind. Follow me in such a way that it doesn’t happen. Surely someone who survived to the end of the bunker can manage at least that.” She sniffed at me, but didn’t say anything.

The three of us finally stopped right at the entrance. Instead of a room, we saw a large outdoor picnic from back in my time. I could see my family preparing food at the table. My sister was near the pool. After taking a deep breath, I walked over to join her.

Since talking to her would probably take longer, I just sliced her head off and kicked it into the pool. That turned it black instantly and the butcher started ascending. Being near the black tar was probably a bad idea, so I backed up to give him enough room to get out.

Soon enough, Ivan the Butcher was revealed in all his horrific glory and the illusion vanished. “Wow,” Taya said. “I thought you were exaggerating, but… Nope, you were right. Fuck that monster up, mommy!”

In response to that, the butcher turned toward her and roared. That was a bad idea, because I jumped forward and slashed at him. He deflected with his knife-hand and tried punching me, but I side-stepped it and kicked him between the legs. This particular undead abomination apparently didn’t have genitals, so all it did was give me a second’s reprieve. I used that time to stab straight at him.

He tried grabbing the blade. There was no time for him to realize his mistake. By the time his fingers hit the floor, my overpowered magic blade pierced his rotten chest. Since I knew that wouldn’t bother him much, I ripped the sword up, slicing it out through one of his shoulders. Somehow he found the strength to swing his knife at me, but I blocked his arm with one of my own and kneed him in the stomach.

That knocked him back a few steps, giving me time to lift my sword again. This time I swung low, slicing through one of his legs before he could recover. The demon lost his balance and fell to the floor. Despite that, he was still glaring up at me and groaning, trying to claw his way forward. I sliced through his knife arm and walked around to his side so I could use a foot to pin him to the floor. When he couldn’t move around as easily, I finally impaled his skull against the ground.

His body started seizing, making me stumble back. Taya caught me with magic and finally began incinerating the corpse. Ivan… screamed as he burned. He didn’t gurgle or roar like before, he screamed and cried like a normal human.

“How… how is he still making noise?” Taya asked.

“You don’t want to know the answer to that question,” I said. “So what did you think?”

“Well, you were right. He was scary, but he wasn’t really a threat. Why were you so worried about this place, again?”

“Because it was incredibly traumatic. Before, I said I wanted to have this over with before you got here. But to be honest, I’m glad you’re here.”

“Why would you ever go to battle without your attack filly?” Taya asked, her head tilting. “I can’t keep you safe if I’m not there!”

“I won’t necessarily agree with that, but I think trying to go through here alone again would have ended poorly. And I think having only Ava would be even worse. So thank you, Taya. You’re my favorite pony daughter.”

“Hah, I knew I was y—Wait, pony daughter? I’m not your favorite period?!”

Since Ivan was mostly gone, I finally walked over to reclaim my sword. The ancient metal was still cool to the touch. “Shall we continue, then?” I asked with a smile.

“Should you not first address your filly’s concern?” Ava asked.

“There are no winners in the favorite game when it comes to parenting, so there’s nothing to address. Now, when I first encountered Ivan, I ran as quickly as I could, wherever I could. I’m sure there’s a much faster route. You’re up, Ava.”

“I guess I am. Taya?” Taya’s horn lit up and I got grabbed with magic. “Now, shall we address your filly’s concern?”

“Ivan respawns, Taya,” I said. “Is now really the time for this?”

“Why did you adopt Eva, mommy?” Taya uncomfortably sweetly asked. The crazed look in her eyes seemed a closer fit to Luna than a filly. “Am I not good enough? Was my love not enough? Or was I too creepy?! Were you too scared of me, so you wanted to get a precious little cute daughter?”

“Is that all you want to know?” I asked. “It’s simple. She put me in a position where saying no wasn’t an option.”

That made her blink in complete surprise. “Um. What? Of course you could have refused!”

“Not without breaking her. You weren’t there, Taya. In that moment, if I refused her, I honestly think she would have shattered. My decision to adopt them had absolutely nothing to do with you.”

“...So you did it for her, not for you.”

I feel like we’ve had this conversation before. “Yeah. The way we rebuilt her mind is special. In this time, she is quite possibly one of a kind. My name has a prestige of its own. Bringing her into my family will be the best way I can keep her safe from afar.”

“I don’t buy it,” Ava said. “Fess up!”

“Wait, you were lying?!” Taya screamed, actually trotting in place in rage.

“Not completely,” I said with a shrug. “Everything I said was true. It just wasn’t, you know… the whole truth.”

“I can’t believe you, mommy!”

“Good, you shouldn’t,” I said. “I’m a complete scumbag. Of course, the whole truth is probably worse, so you’re gonna be even more mad in a second.”

“She’s about to start hurting you,” Ava said. “Out with it, missy.”

“I can’t say no to cute changelings.” Taya’s mouth dropped.

“Try again,” Ava said.

“I can’t say no to cute smiles…” I sighed, finally hanging my head. “Eva nailed it. Completely and totally nailed it, Taya. The look of hope and adoration, the twinkle in her eye, the sound of desperate desire in her voice… I couldn’t say no!” And besides, I’m that girl’s everything anyway. There’s no reason not to make it official.

“Oh. Is that all?” Taya asked. “You almost got me angry. Well, let’s get going, then.” Her magic finally released me, so I started walking to the exit.

“You’re just gonna give up?” Ava asked. “Wait, why does that only almost make you angry?”

“I already knew mommy can’t deny cute grins. That’s why I’ve been practicing! I just didn’t know Eva was so far ahead of me already…”

“...And you’re not angry over how completely and totally irresponsible and dumb that is?” she asked.

“Why would I be? I can’t be angry at Eva for doing the same thing I am! That would be hypocritical. If she gets to manipulate mommy, so do I!”

“So, which way?” I asked. We were finally out of the butcher’s spawning room and in the hallway leading away. We had the choice between straight, which led to more hallways, or right, which was a tunnel someone bored after everything fell apart.

“Why would either of you manipulate her?!” Ava yelled. “And how can you be okay with your filly saying something like that?!”

“Because it aggravates the fuck out of you,” I said. “And also because she’s been scheming and plotting since I found her. Taya is special in her own way. It was my mistake to try to protect you from it instead of teaching you how to put it to use. But that will be changing soon, Taya.”

“That sounds super ominous,” Ava said. “Aren’t you curious about what your mommy has in store for you, Taya?”

“Nope! She’ll tell me when she’s ready. I’m so excited!”

“So which way?” I asked with a grin.

“I don’t know what you’re so smug about,” Ava said. “Being proud of ruining this filly is disgusting. Your mother intends to teach you to properly scheme, so you can be trusted on your own. She wants to use you!”

“Perfect!” Taya said with a huge grin. “You ruined the surprise, but I’m still so happy!”

Ava stared at the two of us with a look of such complete loss that I couldn’t help but giggle. After a few long seconds of me laughing at her, she finally looked down and said, “Go right…”

“Thank you,” I said, finally turning right. “But for what it’s worth, I don’t intend to use my daughter for evil. It’ll just take some training for her to operate away from me.”

“Good. All the more time to spend with mommy,” my filly said.

“So what happened to this place after you left?” Ava asked.

“I’m pretty sure Celestia sent Luna to destroy it,” I said. “Apparently that sent a lot of very pissed off ghosts all over the place.”

“Why wouldn’t you allow your zebra to free them all, like you’re doing with the other bunker?”

“My zebra? That’s racist.” She actually slapped me. Her hand slipped through my head and gave me brain-freeze from hell. “Yeah, you don’t get to do that again. It hurts too much.”

“That sounds to me like a good incentive for you to behave,” Ava said with a grin.

“How very Christian of you to get your way with threats. To actually answer the question, Zecora didn’t know how yet. Also, this place was considerably more evil than the other one, so it would have been more dangerous. I didn’t even know Celestia was going to do it until it was done and it’s not like I could have stopped her.”

“...So it is likely my Artyom is still haunting this world.”

“Yeah, probably.” She sighed in despair, hanging her ghostly head.

Even with her shortcut, it still took a while to get to the iron forest. We had to deal with Ivan one more time. Since he wasn’t proving effective, the bunker hit us with another few small-time encounters. Each one was a breeze.

“How far do you think we’ve come?” Taya asked when we stood before the jagged metal trees.

“We’re about a third of the way there,” I said. “Unless Ava knows a few shortcuts.”

“I do,” she said. “With your filly, getting through the mall and the medical area should be easy. We can remove a few barricades and make the path much shorter. We’re probably closer to three-eighths of the way through.”

“Then let’s get going. There’s another boss in here. This one is ranged, so you might need to take him out for us, Taya. He has wolves as pets, so I’ll focus on keeping those away.”

“I could kill those, too,” she said. “You don’t need to exert yourself, mommy.”

“It gives me something to do,” I replied, pulling out my sword. “It’s a bow, so we won’t hear it until it’s too late. Keep up some manner of shield.”

“I didn’t run into Ivan after he went crazy, but I did have a run-in with the hunter you’re talking about,” Ava said. “That bow of his was monstrous.”

Right when her last syllable sounded, something bounced off Taya’s shield, making the entire thing flare up. “That was a lot stronger than I thought it would be,” Taya said. “But still nothing compared to what we faced in the Zone. I thought you said human weapons were tough, mommy.”

“There’s a huge gap between a bow and a gun,” I said. We finally heard growling and the dogs started running from the trees. I took a few steps forward and readied myself. The first one lunged directly at me. I waited for it to hit the shield before impaling it. I ripped the sword out through his skull, letting his freezing body hit the floor.

The other dogs spread out in front of us, not daring to get close. “What do you think, mommy? I could take them all out in a heartbeat.”

“Way to make me feel useless. Go for it.” Taya’s horn lit up brighter and all the remaining dogs began collapsing, one after another. Another arrow bounced off the shield, this time in front of my filly. I looked back and finally saw the hunter hiding midway up one of the trees. “See him over there?” I asked, pointing the guy out. “He’s in a tree about a dozen meters out.”

My filly grinned and a white light shot out of her horn, heading straight towards him. Everything above his knees stopped existing. Both of his legs fell out of the tree with meaty-sounding thuds. “You’re not useless, mommy. You make a great spotter. And you’re the best at ordering me around!”

“Magic would have made surviving here much easier,” Ava slowly said. “Despite being at your side through so many events, it still surprises me when I see what it can do.”

“So what do you think?” Taya asked. “Magic’s stronger than human weapons, right?”

“Absolutely not,” Ava said. “Nav, have you told her about Hiroshima and Nagasaki?”

“No, but I did tell her about how our weapons destroyed the planet and we had to rebuild it. I’ve yet to find any evidence that magic’s destroyed the world, so—”

“Discord’s a magical creature,” Taya said. “And didn’t he use magic to make all the old fountains of magic dry up?”

“Alright, I’ll grant you that. Magical creatures can be stronger than nukes, but human inventions are all about accessibility. Nuclear weapons give everybody the ability to pull the trigger on an entire planet, not just one or two select beings. And your shield can hold against an arrow, but you saw what happened to the magic shield Watcher was under at the bunker, when the cannon hit it. If they had two cannons firing, his squad would have been wiped out before he could lift his own shield.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to test it later,” she said with a nod. “You ready to get through the forest?”

“Yep. Ivan can follow us through here, but I don’t think the hunter respawns. Last time, I let them fight each other. Ivan won, but probably only because I killed a lot of the dogs.”

“Want me to keep the shield up, just in case?”

“Until we get through here, yes. I thought shields were normally visible all the time.”

“I learned a new kind at the tower,” she said. “It’s an adaptive shield that only activates when something is incoming. It uses more magic to activate, but you don’t have to keep it active all the time. It’s good when you don’t expect to run into much.”

“I guess those guys are useful for something, at least.” We finally started moving. Since I was apparently only good for spotting, I put my sword away and started looking around. “This place really was pretty before everything went to shit. It’s a shame that psychopath hung bodies on half the trees.”

“That was something else, actually,” Ava said. “There was a fight for the forest, if the rumors were true. One of the combatants used some kind of catapult to launch dead bodies into the forest to try to disease the hunter and his dogs. Most of them ended up getting stuck on the metal trees. All of the hunter’s victims ended up in a lake that was supposedly more blood than water.”

“Yeah, I found that,” I said. “It was… gruesome.”

“This place really sucked,” Taya said. “I don’t ever wanna live underground, mommy.”

“Yeah, fuck that. You’re one cave-in away from Mad Max meets Fallout.”

“Wouldn’t that just be Fallout?” Ava asked.

“Fair enough. How long did you guys last after everything broke down?”

“About two years,” Ava said. “But it’s hard to really define what the breaking point was. Not everybody here lost their minds. Most people here were kind and decent. If it weren’t for a few monsters at the top, I feel we would have survived even with food issues. The death of our patriarch probably did it. When his heart gave out, everything became a downward spiral…”

“Igor murdered him,” I said. “That creep was keeping sex slaves and the patriarch found out about it. I had a vision about it in the church.”

“Oh. That… is not what we were told, but I’m not surprised. Did you have any visions of me and Artyom?”

“Yeah, most of them were about you.”

“Wait, really? And you never told me?”

“I thought you knew everything I knew. Why would it matter? I never saw anything too weird, though I did experience some of your thoughts.”

That made her ghostly face blush, turning it a dark blue. “M-my thoughts? Like w-what?”

“Wanting to be a mother. It was the first time I ever felt the desire for life inside of me. It was… alien. I also felt your love for Artyom. I’m sad to say it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever felt and I doubt I’ll ever be able to match it.”

“That’s hurtful,” Taya said. “You still don’t love me, mommy?” She didn’t sound overly hurt, so I doubt she was being serious.

“There’s familial love and then there’s romantic love. After feeling someone else’s emotions, I can safely say they’re different.”

“Or you’re just bad at love,” Taya muttered.

“I’m glad to give you something to strive for, Nav,” Ava said. “I don’t really know what to make of what you felt. I suppose I have no right to complain, given I’ve felt all that you have since we became attached.”

“Wait, you feel what I do?”

“It comes with knowing what you think. Do you remember when Taya cast the spell on that thief in the fortress at the Zone? It let him see me. I did my absolute best to tell him there was a hostile elemental inside of you, but he couldn’t seem to hear me. Either that or he couldn’t understand what I was saying. I knew how much she horrified you and how helpless you felt, so I tried to do what I could to help.”

“Yeah, that guy’s kind of an idiot. Thanks for trying, at least. Please don’t share my feelings with anyone else.”

“Not even to tell your filly that you really do love her?”

“Not even then, no.” Taya giggled and bumped up against me. “She’d get all smug and smarmy about it. She might even demand an ear scritch or something as proof.”

“You’re so mean, mommy,” Taya sighed.

“I learned it from watching my family,” I said, patting her head.

“Whoa, you finally told me where you really learned it! What’s the occasion?”

“I dunno, fuck it I guess. That’s the same reason I told Pinkie about god. She didn’t seem impressed.”

“So who’s god?” Taya asked.

“I’ll tell you later,” I said with a shrug.

“And I’ll tell you now,” Ava said with an uncomfortably large grin. I thought about trying to stop her, but I knew it was gonna happen eventually and the longer I fought it the longer I’d dread it. So I turned my mind off and tuned them both out, doing my best to listen for any other sounds instead.

The forest wasn’t too large and apparently it connected directly to the mall. The entrance was sealed off, but Taya was able to cut through it with no problem. All too soon, we stood at the entrance to one of the last bastions of capitalism-that-was.

“This place is huge,” Taya said, looking up in wonder. “How did they build it under the ice?”

“That’s the power of squatting,” I said. “The only thing Russians are good at, aside from losing Cold Wars.” We started walking in, looking around the immediate area for any traps or ghosts. Thankfully, it seemed clear.

“And winning World Wars,” Ava said. “We took the brunt of Germany’s wrath in both wars, if you’ll recall.”

“I’ll grant you the second one, but you succumbed to madness in the first one.”

“Fair,” she said with a shrug.

“How many world wars were there?” Taya asked. “That sounds horrific!”

“Four,” Ava said.

“Whoa, four?” I said. “I only knew about three, the last being the one that wiped us out.”

“The third one involved China, but I’m not a historian either. It’s all a moot point now.”

“You know all about old games and culture, but you don’t know the details of the third world war?” I asked. “Come on.”

“I took a class on memeology at university,” she said with a smug grin. “I can translate just about everything you’ve said so far!”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You took memeology instead of history? My god, no wonder there was a third and fourth world war. We deserved to die!”

“It was a required course! American propaganda was so good that we had to learn how to recognize it!”

“You mean the propaganda of having food, freedom, and not freezing to death in gulags?”

“No, the propaganda of private prisons, politicians that took money from giant and unaccountable corporations, and the blending of money with power so deeply that it turned into an oligarchy of wealthy families ruling it all. America was once great. By the time it all ended, it was a shadow of its former self.”

“You have more context, so fair enough,” I said with a shrug. “I could see things heading that path when I was around, so I’m not surprised that’s where it ended up. Did we at least keep the Constitution?”

“There was a very short second Civil War when a president and congress both agreed to remove a few of the first ten amendments. The army turned on them in an instant and they were all tried for treason, then hung. The world was holding its breath for an authoritarian military take-over, but they handed power back over to politicians after an emergency election.”

“...And everyone just let the army get away with hanging elected politicians?”

“I said it was very short for a reason. And I called it a Civil War, but it was widely regarded as a coup. That said, the emergency election also acted as a way for all the people of the country to decide whether or not what the army did was just. The leaders of the coup agreed to be hung afterwards if the people deemed it necessary. In an overwhelming landslide, the people agreed to free them. The president who won said the people had spoken and agreed to imprison them for murder instead of killing them for treason.”

“That’s shitty, but understandable. Also really cool. It sucks that I disappeared when I did. I wouldn’t mind watching something like that happen in real-time, or participating in that vote.”

“Humans are crazy,” Taya said. “I love it! If you’re gonna cut back on the belly rubs and ear scritches anyway, I think I should just become human forever.”

“I really don’t want you to, but you’re immortal now anyway. If that’s the path you want to go, I won’t stand in your way anymore.”

“Really?!” she asked, looking up at me in joy.

“I mean, I think it’s dumb. But you do you, I guess.”

“Best mommy ever,” she smugly replied.

“The human body is clearly superior,” Ava said. “Especially if you get to keep your magic. It’s a win across the board, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t see why it’s dumb. Giving up the body humans created in their hubris to take on the form of God is admirable.”

“Looking different just invites trouble. Even as a tree sister, Taya still looks like a normal pony.”

“You’ve managed just fine so far,” Taya said. “I think you just want all the attention yourself! You just wanna be the only human!”

“So you’re calling me a liar.”

“You just called yourself a scumbag a few minutes ago! Doesn’t that include lying?”

“Sometimes,” I said with a shrug. “But my reasons for wanting to keep you a pony aren’t selfish. I don’t want you to do it and I don’t think it’s a good idea, but compared to turning yourself immortal, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

We finally came to a large barricade. It covered the entirety of the first floor. “So how did you get through here the first time?” Taya asked as she began cutting through it.

“I went through stores,” I said. “Each one was super haunted. I almost died a few times. Eventually I found an entrance to an employee tunnel in one store and I took that for a while.”

“I have a feeling the bunker is growing restless,” Ava said. “I’m sure the spirits aren’t happy you’ve been bypassing them all so easily.”

“They can suck a fat one.” The new hole in the barricade was finished, so Taya pushed it forward with a clatter. It disappeared into a black void. There was nothing on the other side of the hole. “That’s eerie.”

“So uh… What now?” Taya asked.

“Ava, do some scouting for us.”

“What?! Why me?”

“...What, are you kidding?” I asked. “Best case scenario, you get sucked out of my body and back into what’s left of the bunker. Worst case scenario, you can’t see anything and we have to go around.”

“If you’ll recall, we’re chained together,” Ava said. “Anywhere I get sucked, you get sucked.”

“That’s kinda hot.” She sighed in disgust. I giggled and started walking over to a store, bending down to grab a chunk of debris as I went. Taya sighed and followed. When we were close, I threw the rock through the window. Instead of shattering, the glass pane just disappeared. “See there? Super haunted.”

“We should send Ava to scout,” Taya said.

“Oh yeah. If they start sucking on her, I wanna feel it!”

“I hate you both,” Ava petulantly replied, thankfully floating through the window for us. Nothing happened. “It looks clear to me.”

“Taya, don’t eat anything or drink anything. Do you know the equinequins Rarity has in her shop?”

“Yeah.”

“There are humanoid versions of those called mannequins. If you see any of those, destroy them immediately. And if you see Ivan, let me know. The mall is the last place I saw him.”

“If you’re scared, I can go first,” Taya smugly said. I flicked one of her ears and stepped through, pulling my sword out. As soon as she hopped in behind me, the glass appeared behind us again. All the lights started coming on and shelves started appearing. Once each one was in place, they started getting covered in cages. As the cages formed, bones began taking shape inside of them.

“Great, it’s a haunted pet store,” I said. All the undead critters were shaking their cages, trying to get out. “Freeze ‘em.”

Taya’s horn lit up and a cone of cold shot out, encasing the cages in ice. “Why even pull the sword out, mommy?”

“Fuck you, I’m not useless!” Unfortunately, the barricade ended where the store did, so we couldn’t just kick the window out.

“Then why did we go to the wrong store?” Taya asked. “I mean, I did my job with no problem. I thought you were the navigator?”

“Ava is the navigator, you little shit. I’m here for emotional healing. Besides, there’s a back door.” I started leading the way to it. Taya giggled and followed. Whenever any of the cages rattled, I sliced through them with my sword, stabbing through the skeletons.

“Twilight offered to make me a skeletal pet,” Taya said, peering into one of the shaking cages. “They don’t seem very fun, though.”

“Undead rats might be good as scouts or message-carriers,” I said. “But no, I wouldn’t want anything like that as a pet.” The back door was locked, but it yielded to a kick. The storage room it led to had an open doorway leading to a tunnel. We started following it along our original path.

“Who’d want to live here, anyway?” Taya asked.

“People who know their only other option is death via nuclear fire,” I said. “If I didn’t know the history of this place, I might have made a similar choice, if I had the option.”

“Artyom tricked me,” Ava said. “He told me we were going somewhere safe and let me assume he meant an island country. Had I known I would be trading away the sky and the soft ground for my life, I wouldn’t have taken the journey.”

“I think I’d rather die in the firestorm than linger on like a cockroach,” I said. “Humanity was dead the moment we pulled the trigger on a nuclear holocaust. It took a while for our collective corpses to stop twitching, but it was only a matter of time. Better to get it over with than wonder when your bunker would fail or everyone would go crazy from being cooped up.”

“I guess surviving is better than dying,” Taya said. “I mean, you always tell me life is crazy and you could die any day from any number of causes. It’s the same in a bunker. Well, if you don’t know their history…”

I could see a dead end coming up, so I went into the next open door. It took us to an empty storage room. The door leading into the store was slightly ajar. I walked up and used my sword to push it the rest of the way.

This time, mannequins began spawning. When ten of them were in place, they all got decked out in pretty pink tutus. After a few seconds, a large grandfather clock appeared on the far side of the room. It chimed and the mannequins started dancing in sync with the ticking of the clock.

“That’s kinda eerie,” Taya said. “Want me to make them ash?”

“If we go out there, I have a feeling we’ll end up as part of the dance. So please, burn it all.” She smiled and her horn flashed. The room was engulfed in flames for just a moment. It was long enough to turn everything into a fine white powder. “Rescue me if I start dancing.”

“Only after I watch for a few seconds.”

I rolled my eyes and walked into the room. Without the clock, it was uncomfortably quiet. Nothing happened to me, so I walked up to the glass. “It seems clear. Come on.” Taya started walking over. I used my sword pommel to smash the window. A loud alarm went off and I saw two skeletons wearing mall cop uniforms running our way. “Oh shit, it’s the fuzz!”

“They’re not fuzzy, they’re skeletons!” Taya’s horn lit up and their legs got knocked out from underneath them. They continued trying to crawl toward us. “And now they’re worthless.”

“The fuzz is another way to say the law,” I said. “Let’s keep going.”

“So how do we know we’re going the right way?” Taya asked.

“Ava, we going the right way?”

“Yes. The mall follows along a natural chasm, so it’s mostly straight. The entrance we took was along one of the side paths, but it looks like the back path we were just in took us back to the main area. Does anything look familiar?”

“No, I was in too much pain at the time to pay close attention to my surroundings. Light was also harder to come by, since all I had was a broken flashlight. I just know I went from the mall to the carnival area.”

“It surprises me that you were able to go in such a straight line,” Ava said.

“I used the 3D map in the opening area to plot a general path. I found another map in the mall area that I used to finalize everything. I ended up dithering around in the theme park and medical areas due to ghosts. We’ll be fine with a guide and a Taya.”

“Now you’re speaking of her like she’s a possession,” Ava said. “Is that not demeaning?”

“Nope,” I said. “She enjoys it.”

“I do,” Taya said with a nod. “Mommy’s the best owner ever! All of her toys love her so much!”

“I wonder how much of that is the pull,” Ava slowly said.

“Most of it,” I said with a shrug.

“That and the ear scritches,” Taya said. “Nobody cares about dignity when it’s time for belly rubs.”

“There’s another barricade up ahead,” Ava said. “Should we try cutting it?”

“It didn’t work last time. Let’s go over. Taya, there’s an invisible net separating each layer. You’ll need to cut it for us to be able to fly over.”

“Do I also need to toss you?” Taya asked.

I stretched out my wings. It was the body I had during the bunker, so the feathery wings still matched. “That shouldn’t be necessary. We’ll go up to the second floor. There should be no or fewer barricades up there.”

Her horn lit up and she sliced a huge hole in the net. “Is that enough?” she asked as the material fell to the floor.

“Yep.” I carefully picked her up and tried taking off. It was just a little too much weight. “Alright, let me get a running start.” I set her back down and walked a few meters away. When I was far enough off, I ran forward, took off, snatched her up, and managed to just barely clear the net with her in my arms. Since I didn’t see any reason to stop, I evened out and continued flying in the dead space between the floors.

“How far should we go like this?” Taya asked.

“As far as we can. It’s faster than walking and this is the right way.”

“So why is this working?” Ava asked. “We couldn’t cut through. Why is flying over acceptable?”

“Who knows?” I said. “Don’t look a gift flight in the feathers, or whatever. We’ll ride the air as long as we can.”

“Your stories made this place seem much worse,” Taya said. “You should praise me more for making it so easy for you!”

“I already praised you enough. Don’t get a big head.” She huffed and puffed, but didn’t say anything else. That was good, because keeping myself between the second and third floor was pretty difficult with my shitty wings and her heavy body. Thankfully, even if we did hit the net above us, we’d only fall a few meters into the net below us.

Everything was going really well until I smashed into something directly in front of us. It was very loose, but still enough to bounce the three of us backwards onto the lower net. “What was that?” Taya asked. She was trying to sit up, but the net we were on was moving too much.

“It was probably a piece of the net cut from the third floor,” Ava said. “My guess is that it’s been limply hanging down and we hit it since we couldn’t see it.”

I knew trying to stand would be difficult, so I pulled my way over to the edge. Taya realized what I was doing and joined me as I very carefully climbed over the railing onto the second floor balcony. She was having a hard time getting over, so I helped pull her to the solid ground.

“So now what?” she asked.

“Now we continue walking,” I said, doing just that. “We got lucky enough to avoid injuries this time, but I’d rather not risk hitting another invisible net and falling at an angle weird enough to break anything. It would take too much magic to heal.”

“It should take another fifteen or so minutes to get out at this rate,” Ava said. “We’ll need to return to the first level to leave, though.”

“I already see two barricades down there, so we’ll wait until we’re there to descend.”

“Why didn’t they barricade the other floors?” Taya asked.

“Getting to the higher levels was difficult,” Ava said. “All the staircases were guarded and the elevators were welded shut. For a while, the mall area was the middle of a pitched battlefield. As ammo started running low, tensions started soothing. Still, those on higher floors usually managed to hold onto their positions despite everything. I’m surprised we don’t see more bullet holes everywhere.”

“If I was living here, I’d do my best to cover them up,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to be reminded how I almost got killed every time I look around. Although I imagine at that point, almost getting killed was a daily occurrence anyway.”

“Life was tough,” Ava sighed. “Some parts of me wished I had stayed with Artyom until the end. We would have died in the bunker regardless, but at least we wouldn’t have been alone.”

“Hope is what keeps people going,” I said. “And your hope of escape was the fire that pushed you both along. Would living a hopeless existence with no chance of a future really be that much better than dying a horrific, shitty death?”

“Yes,” Ava said with a nod. “Even without hope, with Artyom by my side, I was able to cope.”

“I’d rather die with mommy than completely alone,” Taya said. Thanks for dragging me down with you. “Especially if it was completely alone in a place like this.”

“I guess love acts as a decent enough alternative to hope. I’ll try to remember to ask Doppel which tastes better.” I don’t know why, but that made my filly giggle. I didn’t want to know why, either, so I pointedly ignored it.

“So why did that make you giggle?” Ava unfortunately asked.

“She really liked my lust,” Taya said with another chuckle.

“I imagine it tastes better coming from someone more hormonal,” I said. “My lust is usually just background levels. It’s probably much better when you’re actually in heat.”

“That’s exactly what she said,” Taya replied with a nod. “Well, she didn’t mention you at all, but she said the part about it tasting better when you’re in heat.”

“...And you’re just okay with this?” Ava asked, looking down at me.

“She’s as old as she’s ever going to get,” I said. “I’m not going to refuse to let her use a part of her body and I’m not going to take issue with the fact that she enjoys something everyone else enjoys. I will step in if I think she’s going too far or if I don’t approve of her partner, though. I told Doppel at some point that Taya was fair game, as long as she was using a body I would be okay with.”

“And you don’t see anything wrong with a mother and daughter sharing the same partner?”

“Doppel doesn’t count,” Taya said. “For one, she’s the maid. Two, she’s a changeling. Three, she’s sluttier than mommy. And four, let me have this! I never knew it could feel that good when done right…”

“I’ll give you three outta four,” I said. “Changelings do count and saying they don’t is racist.”

“Yeah, well, I learned from watching Twilight,” she sarcastically replied.

“You both might be lost causes,” Ava said. She honestly sounded super upset about that, which was a little surprising.

“There is no limit to God’s forgiveness, last I recall,” I said. “If I got down on my knees to beg for forgiveness for my wicked ways and actually improved myself, I’d still get to go to Heaven.”

“But you don’t want to. Both of you openly scorn the thought of it.”

“Well duh,” Taya said. “We’ve met, what, three gods now?”

“Hera, Athena, and Discord,” I said with a nod. “Plus Celestia, Luna, and Arachne. So that’s three human gods, two pony gods, and the spider god. We also know Zeus and that smith guy are out there, so that’s another two human gods. Given the history we got from Athena, it seems clear to me that the Christian god was just a human hopped up on magic. Things just got lost in translation after several thousand years. When you factor in that there was also probably a few doses of Discord’s meddling in the Bible, I honestly struggle to see how you can still believe. I’m pretty sure it’s the sunk cost fallacy, but it’s rude to assume.”

“What’s that?” Taya asked.

“Let’s say I start a company and put two thousand bits into it. Everything goes well for five years and I expand, sinking another two thousand bits in. Everything goes well for another five years and I expand again, this time putting in four thousand bits. Suddenly things start going south. The company’s too big, logistics are impossible even with the right people, and we’ve flooded the market beyond repair. This is where the fallacy comes into place. From an outside perspective, it seems easy to see that you should cash out while you can and retire. But from my perspective as the person who spent fifteen years building a business, I don’t want all of that time, money, and effort to go to waste. Instead of doing the right thing and quitting before I lose too much to recover, I go all in on a sinking building. In Ava’s particular case, she spent her entire life believing in God, then she spent her much longer unlife begging for salvation from that same God who forsook her the first time. She’s spent essentially an eternity believing and to back out now, even though the possibility that she’s wrong is incredibly high from any logical viewpoint, would be really difficult. Admitting all that effort spent believing and worshipping was effort wasted is too much.”

“Oh,” Taya said.

“Go fuck yourself,” Ava very coldly replied.

We continued our walk to the theme park in silence. When we got to the entrance, Taya cut a hole in the net for us and I used my wings to gently float us down.

“So what’s in here?” Taya asked. “I uh… I see some scary looking birds.”

“Last time I was here, this was a safe zone,” I said. “I ran into a friendly ghost clown who kept everything else away from me. If we run into him again, he is not to be harmed. I almost definitely owe him my life.”

“Got it,” Taya said with a nod.

“...Popsy?” Ava asked. I was kinda surprised she was still speaking to me, to be honest.

“Yep. Did you know him?”

“I worked with him at the theme park,” she said. “I always loved watching him with the kids. He had a way of putting them at ease, even when things started going downhill. I’m happy to see his good soul survived intact.”

“Well, let’s go say hi,” I said. Taya and I started walking. Ava followed behind like an obedient puppy.

“I never thought I’d see this place again,” Ava said. At the moment, we were just passing through the ticketing booths.

Once we passed through them, the birds finally took notice of us and started circling. “Should I take them out?” Taya asked.

“If it’s hostile, kill it,” I said.

She grinned and her horn lit up. A large fireball lit up in the center of the largest mass of undead birds. It exploded outwards and knocked a huge chunk of them out of the sky. The rest scattered and started flying toward us separately. Taya started cackling as her horn lit up with a white light. A few seconds later, a huge lightning bolt shot out and connected with the closest bird. It chained to the next and the next and the next until all of them were tumbling from the sky, smoking.

“That’s quite the lightshow!” a new voice said. We both spun toward it, my hand going to my sword. Thankfully, it was just everybody’s favorite clown, Popsy. “What kind of guests have you found for me today, Ava?”

“The kind who are lost and in a hurry, I’m afraid,” she replied. “Though it’s so good to see you again!”

“I really wish the two of you had stayed with us,” he said with a sigh. “Keeping the children smiling was a lot harder without you. And it would have been good to know your soul was at least resting among friends, rather than in an uncertain fate.”

“I was alone for a very long time, until Navarone found me,” Ava said, patting my head. “I’m traveling with her now. We need to get out of the bunker.”

“And to do that, you’ll need to get through the theme park,” he said with a nod. “I’ll show you all to a place you can rest for a little while. I’m sure getting here must have been hard on you.”

“Not this time,” I said. “Though I’m grateful for the offer.”

“Sure you don’t want to show your filly some rides?” Ava asked.

“Ponies have rides, too,” Taya said. “I don’t know if I’d trust something so old.”

“She talks!” Popsy said, leaning forward with a grin. “That’s a neat trick! Little Miss, are you interested in a career in showbiz? Between that lightshow and being able to talk, you could make a mint!”

“But all ponies talk,” Taya said, her head tilting. “Why’s that special?”

“They don’t when we’re from,” Ava said.

“Let’s get going,” I said. “I don’t want to risk Ivan or the hunter catching up.”

“They can’t get too far into the theme park,” Popsy said. “We’ll need to go farther before we’re safe. Follow me.”

And so we followed the ghost clown of old. He seemed to be in a pretty good mood and was happy to talk with Ava about old times. Most of those times were about doing good things and being super happy. I decided not to write them down because it just made me more depressed about his fate. Since no one else is reading this, that shouldn’t disappoint anyone.

Right?

“This place really didn’t seem all that bad at first, huh?” Taya said. “I figured things would have been awful from the start.”

“We lived comfortably for over ten years,” Ava said.

“I was here longer, for about fifteen years,” Popsy added. “Looking back, there were signs that things were going downhill, but… Well, it’s not like we could do anything but hope and pray.”

“Don’t speak to them about prayer,” Ava bitterly replied. “They’ll just be mean to you.”

“I could never be mean to Popsy,” I said. “He saved me without trying to snatch my body!”

“Didn’t you say you’d forgive me for that if I helped guide you?” Ava asked.

“Probably. That seems like something I’d say. Just because I forgive you doesn’t mean I can’t mention it every now and then, though.”

“That’s kinda mean, mommy,” Taya said. “She seems miserable enough to be attached to someone like you. There’s no need to rub it in her face.”

“Fair enough, I guess. I’ll try to cut back.”

“...Bodysnatch?” Popsy slowly said.

“It was an accident!” Ava said. “I realized your vessel was empty, but I wasn’t truly trying to take it over! You just died and I slipped in while poking you!”

“Sure, uh huh. Whatever I guess.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’ve forgiven her,” Popsy said.

“Of course she hasn’t,” Ava said. “She never had any intention to from the start. She just says things to manipulate people and then hopes they forget about it afterwards.”

“That’s not true!” I said. “I just don’t care about most people enough to remember my promises.”

“Is that supposed to be better?!”

“Remember, this journey is about self-reflection and healing,” I said. “And admitting my problem is the first step, right? You should be happy that I’ve come this far!”

“You might make a pretty good clown,” Popsy said. “I love the audacity and how you can keep such a straight face! You’d be the perfect performer!”

“Sorry, I’m already employed. Besides, I’m terrible with kids.”

“Understatement of the year,” Ava muttered.

“That’s too bad,” Popsy said. From what I could remember, we were just over halfway through the park. “If you’ve changed your mind about resting, we could take a short break somewhere around here. At this point, we’re completely safe.”

“How do you feel, Taya?”

“What’s left after this?” she asked.

“The medical area and the industrial area,” Ava said. “I know they both had their own sets of monsters.”

“The medical area had super fucked up doctors who captured me and injected me with nanites,” I said. “I had a few visions in there about them doing human experiments on Ava. It was pretty spooky.”

“No they weren’t,” Ava said. “I would remember!”

“Not if the nanomachines took your memories,” Popsy said. “There were… rumors about things like that. I never knew it was actually true, though.”

“So we’ll need to watch out for them,” I said. “Plus there’s the slavemaster in the industrial place. All we need to do to defeat him is free his slaves by breaking the chains binding them. Magic will make that a breeze, assuming you feel up to it.”

“I can do that with no issue,” Taya said. “But those doctors worry me. It might not be a bad idea to wait here for a few minutes to let me recuperate some magic.”

“Take us somewhere she can sleep,” I said.

“There won’t be anywhere too comfortable, but I can do that,” Popsy said with a nod. “Right this way!”

We continued following him. His stride picked up, now that he had a more definite goal in mind. To my surprise, I realized he was leading us to a large ferris wheel. “Why are we heading toward that thing?” I asked.

“The top is the safest place in the bunker,” he said. “You’ll understand when you get there. I’ll have to wait at the bottom, though.”

“Weren’t there also rumors about this ferris wheel?” Ava asked. “Something about it being special?”

“I started those,” Popsy said. “After so much time, it was the only ride that we could keep going. I began telling people it was blessed. That kept bringing people back, even when they were scared. As it turns out, the rumor I started turned out to be true.”

“That may have been magic,” I said. “Have you heard of thoughtform?”

“I’m a clown, little miss. If it doesn’t have to do with making people smile, I don’t know much about it.”

“Turns out magic is a real thing. It acts on faith and belief. If everyone in the bunker believed the ferris wheel was blessed, that blessed it. Everyone’s belief is likely what’s keeping this area safe even now.”

“That sounds inspiring, but complete baloney,” he said. “I just got lucky with my rumor.” We were finally standing in front of the lowest bucket. Instead of being a shitty two-seater, it had a bench that followed the walls. He opened the door for us and bowed. “Go on ahead, my ladies. The view from the top will be worth it! I’ll stop it while you’re up there and give you a few hours to recuperate. How’s that sound?”

“It sounds good to me,” I said, walking onto the thing. It began shaking in a way that worried me a little, but it didn’t fall. Taya joined me a moment later and Popsy swung the door closed.

“Ready?” he asked, walking over to the control panel.

I carefully took my seat. When the bucket steadied itself, Taya eased herself up on the other side. “Go for it,” I said. He pulled a lever and started waving as the ancient machine roared to life. After it had a few seconds to warm up, it started shaking and finally spinning. Dust and rust started falling around us, though none made it around the little roof covering us.

“So why are we going all the way up here?” Taya asked.

“I’m sure there’s a reason,” I said. “Being up here will let us see anything coming, anyway.”

Despite sitting unused for nearly an eternity, the machine still moved pretty quickly. We began slowing down before we got where we were going. When we finally ground to a halt, our bucket shook a few times before going still. After a few seconds of silence, I blinked and appeared outside under a bright and sunny sky.

“W-what?” I said, looking around.

“Wait… what’s going on?” Taya asked.

After a few more seconds, a third person appeared sitting next to me. This was a human woman about my size who I almost immediately realized was Ava. “Whoa, I have a body!” she said, looking at her hands in wonder. “What is this?!”

“I guess this is what he meant,” I said, finally looking down. Everything under us looked like a completely normal theme park, including a few hundred other people wandering around. Even the ferris wheel looked new. “It’s like a real theme park!”

“This is crazy!” Taya said. “Did you see anything like this last time?”

“No. I did get on a few rides, but I didn’t have any visions while here.” I finally wrapped an arm around Ava’s shoulder and leaned into her. “Well, we’re here to rest. Might as well get comfy!”

“Allow me to give you what small comfort I may,” Ava replied, grabbing me and carefully pulling me down so that my head was on her lap. “You’ve had to walk all this way. It’s the least I can do.”

“I bet your hair’s gonna end up braided,” Taya said with a cute little grin. “It’ll be good payback for all the times you do it to me!”

“I thought you’d be happy your mother was doing your hair,” Ava said. “Nav seems to rely on me for it a lot, so I’m usually happy to assist. I do believe it might be wise, in this situation. It’s likely we’ll run into more opponents and having your hair braided and safely tucked away is better than letting them grab it.”

“Agreed,” I said. “Go for it. I’m gonna zone out and let my mind rest. After going through so much of the coma, I need some time to reflect.”

“And I’ll try to sleep a little,” Taya said. “It’s not really all too comfy, but I’ll manage.”

“I suppose I’ll try to enjoy having a body while it lasts,” Ava said. “And I can do without any naughty comments, thank you.”

“Your hands feel nice in my hair, so I’ll be nice.” She chuckled and we all fell silent.

Some time later, the machine jolted back to life. I sighed and pulled myself off Ava’s juicy lap. It’s a shame she’s straight…

And also a ghost, I guess.

Taya didn’t wake up immediately, so I poked her with a foot a few times until she sat up. Right as she did so, the sunny sky disappeared and we entered the gloom of the bunker once more. “Ugh, we’re still here,” she said. “Gross.”

“We don’t have much further to go,” Ava said.

“Taya, shield, now!” She only looked surprised for a second before her horn lit up. It was just in time for an arrow to bounce off. Thankfully, I thought to look down to make sure it was actually Popsy waiting for us. Turns out, Ivan figured out how to work the controls. I hadn’t seen the hunter, but I figured they had to be working together to get to us.

“Where’s Popsy?” Ava asked. “What did they do to him?!”

“Forget him, what are they gonna do to us?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Taya said. Her horn lit up brighter and Ivan’s arms and legs fell off. She grabbed them with magic and threw them away. “Where’s the hunter?”

I looked over in the direction the arrow came from, but it was too dark to see far. There were also tons of things for him to hide behind. “I don’t see him. This ferris wheel isn’t going to stop with no one manning the controls, so we’re gonna need to jump when it gets to the bottom. We have to do it at the same time to stay under the shield.”

“Got it,” Taya said. “Just tell me when.”

I stood and carefully got onto one of the benches. Taya followed, making the bucket tilt uncomfortably. We were finally getting to where Ivan was trying to do the worm, so I said, “Now!” The two of us jumped. I pulled my sword out and impaled Ivan as we both hit the ground.

Another arrow bounced off the shield as I pulled my sword out. Taya shot a light toward where it came from, but we couldn’t see him. “Why are they working together?” Taya asked. “I thought you said they fought each other last time.”

“They did. But this time, we’re kicking the bunker’s ass. The old rules might not apply anymore. Incinerate what’s left of Ivan and then we’ll continue to medical.”

“What about Popsy?” Ava asked.

“What about him? This is a memory fragment, not the real thing. I’d certainly like to see him again, but it’s not like this is the real him.”

“Mommy’s like that all the time,” Taya said as Ivan’s body started to burn yet again. “She even bragged about how she killed me and her family in a dream world!”

“I wasn’t bragging, I was just stating a fact.” When there was nothing left of the butcher but ash, I said, “Point the way, Ava.”

“Are you not concerned with the hunter?” she asked.

“He’s a hunter. I’m sure he could hide in this place for days while we look for him. There’s no way he can get through Taya’s shield, so we’ll just kill him if we get the opportunity and ignore him otherwise.”

“I could just blow up everything,” Taya said with a big grin.

“That would waste too much magic. Ava, let’s get moving.”

“Ugh, fine.” She pointed the right way and off we went. “I can’t believe you’re just going to abandon him!”

“It’s not him. We’ve already been over this.”

“Forgive me for not being completely heartless!”

“No. Get your shit together.”

She grabbed the collar around her neck and yanked on it as hard as she could, presumably trying to break it or something. It was exactly as successful as I thought and she finally let go with a groan. “I hate you!”

“Join the club,” I replied.

“Should you work on not being heartless?” Taya asked. “I think it’s a pretty useful trait, personally. But it does get old sometimes outside of combat…”

“Allowing logic to dictate my actions isn’t the same as being heartless,” I replied, patting her head. “There is only a single Taya in the world. All other imitations are just that: Imitations. Why feel remorse by killing a knock-off? Why feel sentimentality for a fake? Generally speaking, things like that are people trying to take advantage of your moment of hesitation. If you don’t hesitate, it catches them off guard and gives you an advantage. I’m not acting without heart, I’m acting with tact.”

“You probably would have thrived in this bunker,” Ava said. “All the rest of the monsters did!”

“Now you’re just being mean. Something that you should probably take into account is that I’m literally not human anymore. Being fused with a tree did something to me that made me even worse.”

“That and you’re a soulless abomination,” she replied with a huff.

“Yeah, that probably also doesn’t help. Point is, cut me some slack. I’m not normal like you.”

“I’m a ghost! How am I any more normal than you?”

“Mommy’s easily got you beat in the weird department,” Taya said. “You complain about the same, though. You shouldn’t let her instigate you like this.”

“She started it!” Ava and I both said.

“Are you sure I can’t try killing her, mommy?” Taya asked.

“We’re chained together. I don’t want to have to drag her ghostly remains.”

“Telling lies again,” Ava said. “You like having a real human soul around to interact with. You think I’m different, don’t you?”

“All humans are,” I said. “Hera and Athena had to spell it out for me, though. Ponies are part fey, part animal. They lack the human spirit.”

“You mean spite?” Taya asked. “I still haven’t gotten it down yet.”

“That might be a part of it,” I said. “But there’s gotta be more to it than that. Humans are more than hate and violence. Popsy and Ava are proof enough of that. I’ll try to get more information from Athena later.”

“All the more reason for me to become one,” Taya said with a nod.

“Wise,” Ava said. “To be human is to be close to God. All of the races of this world are just mankind’s hubris run amok. Nav, do you truly plan to bring the humans forward in time?”

“If I can do my best to ensure they won’t destroy everything I’ve built, then yes. I hope you’ll accept that as part of God’s plan or whatever instead of trying to stop me.”

“Our motives may not be the same, but our goal is clear,” Ava said. “If humanity truly can be saved, it is our duty to do so.”

“No offense, but I plan to have you long gone by then. If I can find a way to send you to the afterlife, I’ll take it. You deserve a rest and I really don’t want to be haunted.”

“What, I don’t get to see this epic story to its conclusion? Where’s the fun in that?”

“I thought you hated me.” Before she could reply, an arrow bounced off our shield. “What, the guy is still out there?”

“Quitters never win,” Taya said. “Don’t judge him, mommy.”

“He’s just a sore loser,” I said, crossing my arms. Thankfully, they both shut up so we could walk in peace.

The hunter tried shooting us three more times before we made it to the large doors leading to the next area. To be honest, the medical facility was the place I was dreading the most.

“What did you see in here?” Ava quietly asked as we began walking in. “You said you had visions of me…”

“While I was walking in the halls, I was swallowed by a black void.” Ava gasped and froze. “When I came to, I was in your body, lying on a table in an examination room.” Her eyes widened and her hands started shaking. “An intercom clicked on and I got some instructions. I obeyed each one until it was something I couldn’t do, then something took over my body and did it anyway.”

“I remember,” she whispered. “It… it’s all coming back to me… The black void!”

“Yeah, that shit was spooky.”

“The things they did… H-how?! It was… it was inhuman!”

“To be honest, I don’t know how things deteriorated,” I said. “You’d think the scientists could have flooded the bunker with nanomachines to force everyone to stay compliant.”

“That may have worked until Discord got here,” Taya said. “But didn’t you say that some guy with sex slaves killed their leader?”

“That seems like a Discord-esque move to me,” I said. “Go after the guy with the easy weaknesses and use him to induce strife amongst the rest. I bet he sat back and watched the monkeys going at it with a huge grin on his sick, twisted face. Bastard.”

“I have a request,” Ava said. “Can we explore this place to find out what they were doing to me?”

“It’s obvious,” I said. “They were testing nanomachines on you. Things like Flo and Jonathan. Scientists all across the globe were working on the same thing, so I don’t know why you’re so shocked.”

“You feel no curiosity at all,” Ava said. “That’s so… sad, to be honest.”

“It does get a little old,” Taya sighed. “And she’s so hard to impress, too! She watches all kinds of super unique and cool things with this bored, dopey expression on her face. It really makes adventuring a drag sometimes. It also makes getting her gifts impossible.”

“Then don’t get me gifts,” I said. “I don’t need more stuff anyway and it saves you time and effort. Now, let’s get going.” Instead of waiting for them to keep bitching, I started walking. “Keep an eye out for huge voids of nothingness. I’m not sure if magic can fight it or not.”

“If you truly want to skip everything, we can get through here relatively easily,” Ava said. “It’s really only four turns, though it’ll be a lot of walking.”

“Even if we did go investigating to find out what was here, we wouldn’t be able to find anything because all the paper rotted and none of the computers work. We might see some visions, but we haven’t found any useful ones yet. So I don’t see any reason we shouldn’t get through as quickly as possible.”

“Then keep going straight,” Ava said. That’s just what we did. Thankfully, the conversation ended. Listening to both of them whine really got old.

It took us about five minutes to get to the first turn. After that, it was another ten minutes to the next. We passed several open hallways in that time, along with a few angry skeletons that yelled at us.

“It’s easy to see how you’d get lost in here,” Ava said when we came up to the third turn. “There are so many hallways leading in every which direction. I honestly believe they made this place like a labyrinth on purpose, in case any of their subjects escaped.”

“I could see that,” I replied. “Which makes it all the more surprising and lucky that I managed to even make it out the first time, let alone make it out going the correct way.”

“It’s not like you’d ever let yourself die somewhere like this,” Taya said. “If anything, you’d want it to be in a bed surrounded by your herd.”

“They’d probably be the ones killing me, either out of jealousy or by smothering me on accident.”

“Pick either Moonbeam or Celestia,” Ava said. “On the off chance that Celestia ever somehow reverts back, she won’t be able to kill you if you’re married to her. And if she tries to kill you while you’re married to Moonbeam, it would mean war with a race almost as powerful as her own. Moonbeam has done so much to change herself based on your words. It’s obvious she cares about you a lot and values your words. I feel like the new Celestia would be a decent match for you and if not, tweaking her would be easy.”

“I hadn’t considered marrying Celestia to prevent her from killing me later, but it does make sense. I’ll have to see what the visions show me later, and what Moonbeam has to say about her deal with Discord.”

And so everyone shut up again, letting us go back to getting through the super creepy medical ward.

When we got to the fourth turn, Ava sighed in relief. “I can’t believe none of those were blocked. We should be to the next area within five minutes, assuming all goes well.”

“You just jinxed it, so obviously things are gonna go tits up.”

“What’s that supposed to… Oh.” Sure enough, the void was approaching behind us now.

“Taya, hit it with light!” Her horn lit up and a bright white light slammed into the void. It couldn’t push the darkness back, but it slowed it down. “Run!” The two of us started sprinting forward. “Ava, make faces at it!”

“Got it!” she replied. I couldn’t spare time to check if she was actually doing it, but I had faith.

Every few meters we went, Taya left another ball of light. I was really hoping that meant she was slowing it down enough, but the ghosts had to be super pissed at this point. In the doom and gloom ahead of us, I started seeing shapes appear. I ripped my sword out in time to cut a walking skeleton in half.

Taya slowed down a moment to let me take the lead. I cut every shambler down, clearing a path for the two of us. It did slow us down, but looking back would slow us down even more.

“You might wanna run faster,” Ava said. “It’s uh… getting closer.”

“Make angrier faces!” I shouted. Taya groaned and sent a cone of light ahead of the two of us, turning all the undead to ash. Since the path was clear, we picked up the pace.

We began hearing whispers right around the time we saw the entrance to the next zone. When we were about ten meters away, Taya squeaked and managed to pull up next to me. I saw that something was pulling slightly at her tail. After that, I felt something else pulling on my braid. That’s when I remembered the darkness had an awful suction effect.

Clearing the entrance felt like a miracle. The pulling I felt vanished when we crossed, but we continued for almost a block into the huge sector. We only stopped because the path forward was blocked by a huge pile of rubble. I carefully sat on a large block while she fell onto the floor.

“That looked unpleasant,” Ava said. We were both panting too much to answer with words, so I flicked her off. “Catch your breath soon. You were loud coming in, so the slavemaster will probably be here soon.”

“H-how’s he f-fight?” Taya asked.

“Chains with ghosts attached to the ends,” I said. “Break the chains and free the ghost. Once you break all of them, he’s done. This should be the easiest one so far, though his ghosts might be able to get through a shield.”

Taya got back to her feet with a sigh. “You’re gonna make me do everything again, aren’t you?”

“That makes it sound like you won’t enjoy it. Once we free his ghost slaves, they’ll point us the right way. Let’s get hunting.”

“I’ll let you lead the way,” Taya said. “I guess you’re useful enough as a body shield, too.”

“Gee, thanks.” I finally slid my sword away and picked a random direction to walk. “By the way, we’re going to avoid going into buildings, if possible. Undead can spawn there and a lot of the stuff inside the buildings are dangerous.”

“‘Kay.” After three or so minutes of aimlessly walking the streets, Taya froze. “I hear something. It’s… rattling.”

I pulled my sword out and started tapping it on the ground. “WE’RE OVER HERE!” I shouted out. After that, even I could hear the rattling. “STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, JUST WAITING TO BE ENSLAVED!” Taya giggled as the first of the chains came into view. “Let a few more appear.”

When the child on the end of the chain saw us, it began screaming. Three more chains rounded the corner and all four began flying our way. Taya’s horn lit up and something sliced each one in half. The slavemaster roared and I laughed. This time, I heard rattling and some stomping. Another chain turned the corner, though it didn’t approach.

“Pull back,” I whispered. We started backing up, though we didn’t move our eyes away from the crying chain. “When he comes into sight, destroy all of them at once.”

“Got it,” she whispered back.

Before he could turn the corner, the chain watching us jumped forward. Taya freed that guy before he could get close to us. The stomps stopped before starting again, this time much faster and in the other direction. “Shit, after him!”

Taya and I started running forward. Unfortunately, the evil dude knew the city better and we couldn’t see or hear him by the time we got to where he ran. There was a kid pointing in the opposite direction, though.

“So now what?” Taya asked.

“I guess we follow the directions we get, for now. Hopefully that pussy will come back.” With that in mind, we started walking in the other direction. The kids let us go four blocks before another one pointed us to the right. That only lasted a single block before we had to go into a building.

“What do you think?” Taya asked when we were standing in the entrance. There was definitely some rattling inside, but I didn’t know if it was the slavemaster or machinery.

“Well, this is where they’re pointing us. Stay by my side and be ready to attack anything.”

“Got it.” She pressed herself against my leg and we entered the dark building. “So is the goal just to get to the other side?”

“Hopefully.”

When we got to the main room of the factory, there were a ton of moving conveyor belts. Each one was covered in cans that were in various states of readiness. Some machines around the belts added things like labels, rotten black contents, and lids.

“What are those?” Taya slowly asked.

“My people had ways of putting food in metal cans to preserve it for long periods of time. That’s what this is doing, but I don’t know what that black shit is. Tear out three sections of the belt. That should destroy the entire process. We shouldn’t get near the machines until they’ve stopped.”

Her horn lit up and five sections got sliced off. Each fell to the floor and the cans on top of them all scattered. The belts on the remaining sections tried to continue moving for a few seconds before an alarm went off and everything shut down with a loud klang. Dozens of cans fell from the sudden stop, spilling that gross black stuff all over the place.

“I’d say that did it,” I said with a nod.

Unfortunately, the alarm drew in five pissed off undead engineers, each wielding a large wrench. They looked at the huge mess before shouting and sprinting at us. By the time I could pull my sword out, each was dead on the floor with fluids leaking out of their ears and noses. “I’m the best attack filly ever,” Taya smugly said.

“Let’s keep moving.” She huffed, but followed.

The conveyor belt area took up the main bulk of the building. Once we got through it, a short hallway took us to the other side. There wasn’t a ghost there, so we just continued straight until we hit a roadblock with the fourth ghost. He was pointing left, so that’s where we went.

“I hear rattling again,” Taya said. “I think it’s chains this time.”

“Good. This time, instead of breaking the chains, grab them and drag the asshole out.”

“Got it. Should I call out this time?”

“Scream like you’re hurt.”

“‘Kay.” She took a deep breath and started screaming bloody murder. I hoped the rattling was getting closer, but I couldn’t hear anything over her.

After about ten seconds of it, I grabbed her face so I could force her mouth closed. The rattling was uncomfortably close. I let her go so I could pull my sword out.

“It’s behind us!” Ava said. Taya and I both spun around. Three chains were rounding the corner. They saw us at the same time and started screaming.

Taya’s horn lit up and a light surrounded the chains. She tugged and tugged and tugged until the chains finally broke with a screech. “W-what?!” We couldn’t hear any more rattling, so hopefully that killed him.

“Let’s keep going,” I said. “That gives us a few more directions, at least. If we’re lucky, we can get out without even killing him.” We started walking again. “Man, I’m really tired of being in here. This place sucks.”

“Well, we’re almost out,” Taya said. “It does kinda suck.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and guess the takeaway from this memory is that there’s nothing to fear from this shitty-ass bunker as long as I have a super-powerful mage by my side,” I said. “And since my daughter is now an eternafilly, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Sounds like a good lesson to me,” Taya replied with a nod. Another ghost appeared to give us directions and we turned right. “Is that a ladder?”

“It is,” I said. It was on the other side of a pile of rubble and we could only see the top of it. The way behind us was clear, thankfully. “I’m gonna go back a few steps to get a running start. Wait here. If you hear rattling, run toward me immediately.”

“Of course. I gotta keep you safe, right?” I flicked one of her ears and began walking. I didn’t need to go far, so I ran forward, spread my wings out, took off, and grabbed my cute filly. We flew over the rubble and directly into a chain that slapped me in the face. It slammed me into the debris, pushing Taya under me.

She immediately floated me off, giving her a clear line of sight to two more chains. She sliced both of them in half and set me on my feet. “How do you feel?” she asked.

“H-heal me,” I groaned. It felt like my forehead was bleeding and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was broken. I’m honestly surprised it didn’t straight up knock me out.

It only took her a second to put me out of my misery. When she pulled away, she asked, “How’s that?”

“Much better.” I picked her up and jumped down to the bottom, letting my wings slow our fall. “Let’s get climbing before it comes back.”

We walked over to the ladder and I knelt down so she could climb on my back. When she was secured, I started climbing. “More rattling,” she said. “I don’t see it, though.”

“From the barricade!” Ava shouted. Taya’s horn lit up and vaporized a chain that was trying to reach us. I could hear more rattling, so I knew it wasn’t over. “Inside the building behind us!” I couldn’t see what Taya did to that one, but the rattling finally stopped.

I was almost to the top, so it wasn’t much of a relief. The hatch at the top was too small for us both to use at the same time, but I could easily feed her through. “He’s gonna attack when we get to the top,” I said. “I’ll let you go through first. He’ll probably go for my feet, so be ready to repel him.”

Her horn lit up again and a large shield surrounded us. “Even if his ghosts get through it, they won’t have enough room to reach us now. It costs a lot of energy, but if that’s the end, it’s worth it.”

I certainly wasn’t going to complain. When we got to the top, she climbed her way up and I helped push her the rest of the way through. The last three chains reached for me the moment my hand made it above the top, but they couldn’t get through the shield. I easily climbed out and soon we were both facing Ava’s corpse and the final elevator.

“That’s my body,” Ava said.

“Sure is,” I replied. “Let’s get to the elevator.”

“Should we pay any kind of respects?” Taya asked.

“Why? If you want to talk to her, she’s right above us.” I started walking. Taya shrugged and followed. Ava stared at her skeleton as we slowly walked past.

Before we could get to the final door, she said, “Wait.” I sighed and stopped. “Thank you for letting me work with you, Nav. I know you didn’t really want me here and I know I annoyed you at times. Unfortunately, we are stuck together. To be honest, I don’t really want to be merged with your body, either. I’d rather be freed so you can have your own soul.”

“Well, that’s the ideal result. I’ll do my best to make that happen. And I’ll do my best to actually forgive you for being a bodysnatcher.”

“Good. Farewell for now, my dear Lady Navi.”

“Bye, Felicia.” Taya and I finally walked to the elevator. It opened for us, revealing Flo’s glade on the other side. We walked through without a backwards glance.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Seven

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Seven

Taya and I appeared back in the neutral glade. Our guide was waiting for us. “So what did you learn?” she asked with a smile.

“Friendship is magic,” I replied as sarcastically as I could.

“Bingo! I didn’t even have to torture you for it.”

“Will you ever be able to say that without being sarcastic?” Taya asked.

“I hope not,” I said. “Things that are super spooky and challenging to me alone are much easier when faced with people who can melt faces with their mind. Not only does it give me extra combat power, but I also have bait when things go awry.”

“Shouldn’t we volunteer to stay behind, since we can respawn?” Taya asked.

“Not against the undead, because fuck that shit. I don’t want the last thing this body experiences to be getting eaten by zombies. You can stay behind if you want, though. Your legs are shorter, so they should catch you first anyway.”

“Gee, thanks,” she said, doing her best to sound as sarcastic as me.

“So, have we gotten any messages?” I asked. “That one was pretty long. Surely someone’s come by to bitch.”

“Time stopped when Taya entered,” the guide said. “And will stay stopped until you are finished. That is what happens when there are two present.”

“Shit, I wish I had known that,” I said. “How healed up is my body, Taya?”

“It’s fine,” she said. “But uh… I’m not sure you’ll approve of the replacements. I guess we’ll have to see how they work first.”

“Oh boy.”

“Your wings are a lot like Moonbeam’s now,” Taya said. “But Twilight and Athena said your wings have a lot of magic in them, so you should have no problem flying. Your tail’s like a vine. We don’t really know if you’ll be able to move it, but Flo and Aqua are inclined to think you can. It’s also full of magic.”

“God dammit, I really did get fairy wings… Oh well, whatever. I’ll take stock when I get out. So, we won’t be getting any more messages. At this point, we only really have one or two more bad things up ahead, my horrific drug trip in Africa and the trip to Iceland. I say we knock this shit out and get back to reality.”

“It’s your coma, mommy,” Taya said. “If time really is standing still for us, we can take all the time we need for it.”

“Is there anything about the bunker you want to discuss while we’re here?” the guide asked.

“Can you see Ava?” I asked.

“I can’t. I also can’t make her appear.”

“What do you think of her?”

“My assumption is that she was in her thirties when she died. That gave her much more time to live and mature among humans. I think that experience is very valuable to someone who, for one, was not raised very well and for two, was deposited unceremoniously in another world before being left essentially to her own devices. Ava could be extremely useful and I don’t see why you haven’t worked to build up a stable line of communication with her yet. She could act as a true human counterpart to Flo and Aqua, working as an assistant that only you could see or understand. Given how much else she has going on, she would likely be open to the idea since it would give her more time to try to better you.”

“After what happened in the bunker and the mine, I distrusted the undead. After having more time to speak to her and discovering that she’s more interested in passing on than stealing my body, I realized that distrust is unwarranted in her case. I hadn’t considered actually trying to work with her more, but it’s an interesting idea. I’ll see if I can figure out a way to talk to her later and see if she’d be open to it.” Taya’s hoofpump annoyed me. “I’d want it so that only I could perceive her, of course.”

“I know the spell that lets me see ghosts and I know the translation spell,” Taya said with a smirk. “I’m so talking to her all the time now!”

“I forbid it. I don’t want her twisting your mind with that filthy Jesus talk. Next thing I know, you’ll start demanding I tithe!”

“...What’s tithing?”

“Fuck if I’ll tell you, then you’ll make me do it! Let’s get moving before she gets any ideas.”

“Is your body prepared for what is to come?” my guide menacingly asked.

“Ye—Wait, why are you asking like that?”

Unfortunately, she giggled. “Oh, no reason. So, are you ready?”

“My body is ready!” Taya proudly replied, a big grin on her face.

“Wait wait wait, right after the bunker was… Oh no. Please tell me it’s not…”

“Oh, it is,” my guide said with a smile.

“Well, fuck. Taya, Twilight and I may not have told you the whole truth about what happened with Trixie.”

“Didn’t you say you beat her, freed the alphyn, grabbed Fluttershy, and escaped?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. And all of that did happen. We just… happened to get captured first. And we didn’t exactly kill Trixie…”

“This sounds fun! So what really happened?” she asked.

“Let’s see what the coma shows us,” I said.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Taya said. “C’mon, mommy! We’re here to share your memories, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, so let’s get to sharing. We’re both ready.” The guide’s eyes lit up and we left the comfy glade behind.

I had to sigh as soon as we appeared. Trixie was sitting at a fancy dining table, Phinny was sitting next to her, sullenly staring at a food bowl, and I was standing next to her in a super skimpy French maid outfit. To be fair, seeing it in third person showed me just how hot I could be, but it still wasn’t something I wanted my daughter to see.

Her giggles were reason enough why. “I-is this what you meant by captured?” she asked, completely failing to hide her amusement.

“She turned Twilight into a stuffed animal and threatened her to make sure I obeyed. There’s a reason I left details out. I also got a spanking.”

“Serves you right!” she said, covering her flank with her tail.

“I deserved it a lot less than you did. Anyway, I think I can guess why we’re here. Is it because of how we defeated Trixie?”

“Gee, ya think?” Pain asked.

“Though it’s not the only thing we’ll discuss,” Reason added.

“After all, you also purposefully snubbed Luna after she helped you,” Fear said. Hearing that in Luna’s own voice was kinda weird.

“On the order of Celestia. I coulda disobeyed, but I didn’t really want to see her anyway.”

“Wait, how does Luna fit in this?” Taya asked.

“I contacted her in the dream world to get her to contact Celestia. Once Celestia was asleep, we met up in her dream. The price for Luna’s help was a meeting in the dream world after I was rescued. When I told Celestia, she told me not to go. It ended up being moot because we freed ourselves anyway. It did save us from walking back, though.”

“It sounds like you left out more than half the story!”

“I leave out more than half of all of my stories. I really don’t like telling them.”

“And you can’t forget abandoning Fluttershy after she was kidnapped,” Pain said. “So are you ready to get started?”

“Yes.” Pain jumped forward and kissed Taya. One of her hands reached over and groped me. I wanted to comment on that, but we were whisked away before I could.

We appeared in a large room. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all made of black stone. Runes were carved all over the floor. Several alphyns were milling about.

“Are those demons?” Taya asked.

“They’re alphyns,” I said. “Regular denizens of Tartarus.”

Before she could ask anything else, Phinny and Trixie appeared. As soon as they did, Trixie started screeching in terror. Two of the alphyns pounced on her instantly, forcing her to the ground. One of them finally forced her mouth shut.

“It’s about time,” another alphyn said, this one larger than Phinny. “That’s your second-longest summon yet, isn’t it?”

“It was,” Phinny replied. “And I’d like to be removed from the list immediately.”

“With this slave, your contract is complete,” the large one said with a nod. “You’ll be removed as soon as she’s processed. So what’s the story with this mare?”

“She’s a real bitch,” Phinny said, making the large guy blink. “Sorry, that’s what my… I guess partner used to describe her. She first summoned me a few years back to get revenge on another unicorn for some stupid nonsense. After that attempt failed, she got picked up by some powerful demon my partner called Discord.”

“Discord?!” the large guy shouted, his eyes going wide. “Are you sure?!”

“That’s what he said. I think I heard her mention the name once, too.”

The large guy looked down at the two alphyns holding her down. “Send her to Grogar immediately. I’ll do the processing paperwork myself.”

“You got it,” one of them said. They started dragging her off and she finally began fighting back.

“Do whatever’s necessary to make her comply, as long as it isn’t permanent damage,” the large one said. “Grogar pays well for any intel on Discord.”

“She won’t move a muscle by the time we’re done,” one said with a dark chuckle. Trixie started crying and struggling even more.

“So how did you take down a servant of that demon?” the large guy asked Phinny.

“She summoned me to fight against the same unicorn and her partner again. This partner is apparently some race called a human, who looked like some manner of mostly hairless ape.”

“Go see Grogar immediately,” the large guy said, suddenly seeming much more serious. “He pays well for information about Discord. He pays astronomically for any information about humans. And the description he gave me matches what you said almost perfectly. If there’s a human out there, that lich will stop at nothing to get his hooves on it.”

“...He never mentioned that to me,” Phinny slowly said. “I was his summon for a while and I never heard a word of it.”

“You were his servant before he came here. Apparently right before he came to Tartarus, he went to a land of ice on the bottom of the world and found something there that piqued his curiosity in the so-called humans. He came to Tartarus because there’s supposedly human ruins here. Oddly enough, he’s still insisting he’ll leave when he finds what he came for, even though we all know it’s impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible for that lich,” Phinny said. “He has all the time in the world, after all. Why does he want this human?”

“Apparently they were incredibly powerful and lived ages ago. I don’t know why he’s interested, I just know he is. You need to go see him.”

“I’m hesitant to throw Navarone to the lich’s mercy. Not after she went out of her way to help me. I know what usually happens to the living who become subjects of his interest.”

“I imagine the first thing he’d do to someone like that is ask her questions. He probably wouldn’t blow her up to see her insides. You know, at least not immediately.”

“Hm. Well, when he hears what that awful mare has to say, he’ll find out about Navarone anyway. I might as well do my best to find out his intentions for the human and make some money while doing it.”

“Wise. I’ll go fill out the forms and pull you off the list. If you’d like, I can send a runner to let your family know you’re back and that you’ll be home with a large bonus soon.”

“I’ll tell them myself when I get back. How are the roads right now?”

“Fairly clear. Grogar’s general has been working with the local roos and crocs to keep the main roads safe. Just move quickly, because you never know when a raiding party might show up. Or worse, when it might start raining.”

“That’s one thing I’ll miss from outside,” Phinny said. “Running in the rain was an amazing feeling. Alas. Farewell for now. I think I might help the others make that mare submit.” The memory finally went grey.

“So you sent Trixie to Tartarus?” Taya asked.

“I sure did,” I said with a nod. “Twilight was super pissed.”

“That’s because she hates fun,” Taya said with a shrug. “I think that’s perfectly reasonable. I mean, look at what she made you wear!”

“Right?”

“Is that truly the best thing?” my guide asked. “You have no compassion at all for your enemies?”

“I do for some of them. But Trixie was literally only pissed because Twilight stepped on her pride a little. So because of that, she illegally summoned a being from Tartarus and forced him to attack me and Twilight. And then when she won, she tried to rape me before realizing I was a chick. After that, she tried to get the alphyn to rape me with this thick, hard knot, but he found a way out of it. She was also working for Discord. So I don’t see why I should feel any compassion for her.”

“Is that any reason to condemn her to a fate worse than death?” Reason asked. “You literally sent her to this world’s equivalent of hell.”

“Honestly, no. But I wanted to help the alphyn because I felt sorry for him. I also wanted his cooperation.”

“Wasn’t Celestia coming to rescue you?” Fear asked. “When you finally got back to the real world, you appeared right in front of her. Had you but waited, Celestia would have taken custody of Trixie instead.”

“And she might have killed Phinny while she was at it. They might also have failed to get to us. And it’s likely that Trixie had alarms set up to alert her when there are intruders, so if they came in, she’d have time to surround herself with hostages. Not that I’d expect Trixie to be better prepared than Equestria’s elite, but still. Also, I feel like Celestia would have held it over my head forever.”

“Sounds like a whole lot of justifications for repressed guilt, to me,” Fear said, patting my shoulder with a wing.

“What do you think, Taya?” I asked. “Truly and honestly.”

“I think a Tartarus sentence is a little harsh, to be honest…” Yeah, well, who asked you? “Why did you make a deal with the alphyn? Weren’t you afraid it was just tricking you?”

“No, Flo told me he was legit. He also had plenty of chances to hurt me where he chose not to. He didn’t seem like a bad guy, just someone in an unpleasant circumstance. Because of that, I wanted to help him. Trixie being an ubercunt made the decision easier.”

“Do you feel guilty?” Taya asked.

“I mean… maybe a little. In hindsight, I would have locked down her dream and let Celestia come in and capture her. But at the time, I took what I thought was the best option available for us to escape as quickly as possible. It just so happens that the path I took also involved the worst revenge I could think of. It… may not have been a coincidence.”

“How do you feel about revenge, now that you’ve seen some of the consequences?” Reason asked.

“It feels pretty good in the short term. The long term depends on said consequences. In Trixie’s case, I mean… Eh. We all know what happens to people like Trixie in the religion I grew up in when they die.”

“I don’t, actually,” Taya said.

“They go to hell to suffer eternally,” Fear said. “Are you calling yourself a divine agent now?”

“Oh no, not at all. Doesn’t mean I can’t do my man G a favor every now and then and send one or two where they belong. Especially when they slight me. After all, I think that Jesus guy was all about forgiveness and turning the other cheek, not about seeking revenge. I guess I can say that I do feel a little guilty, but she had it coming so I’m okay with it.”

“Isn’t this coma supposed to be about bettering yourself and all that?” the guide asked. “Is deciding that revenge is acceptable truly okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Taya asked. “What’s right for mommy might not be right for a water elemental, after all…”

“Even though Trixie was likely tortured by Grogar and turned into an undead? Or returned to the alphyns to do who knows what?” Pain asked.

“If Trixie was ever going to move forward in life, her pride needed to be shattered,” I said. “Killing her would accomplish nothing. But now that she’s had a chance to see what comes from siding against me, she might be more amenable. If she’s still alive when we go to Tartarus, I’ll see what I can do about freeing her. That’s only fair.”

“So should we talk about the rest of that?” Taya asked. “You know, like the part about Grogar possibly blowing you up?”

“We should,” I said with a nod. “We essentially have confirmation that Grogar caused the horde of undead in Antarctica while trying to get into the bunker. We also know he’s likely working against Discord.”

“And he might want to blow you up,” Taya said. “Can’t forget that part.”

“No, I’m not human anymore. He’ll probably have a lot of questions, though. If I can survive Arachne, Luna, and Hera, I’m sure I can manage him. Besides, I have some questions for him anyway. It’s possible he could detach Ava from me.”

“If you still want that by the time we get there,” the guide said. “She might grow on you.”

“Like a parasite. It’s also interesting to find out Grogar summoned Phinny. I can see why Trixie would be a huge disappointment after that.”

“Was she really that bad?” Taya asked. “You keep saying she was a bitch, but how bad is that?”

“It was bad,” Pain said.

“Really bad,” Fear added.

“There’s a reason we aren’t chastising Nav for siding with revenge on this one,” Reason finished.

“That answer your question?” I asked.

“I guess. I was kinda hoping for some examples.”

“She made me dress up like a maid and spanked me for asking a question. She turned Twilight into a teddy bear. She tried to rape me before she realized I was a chick and then tried to get the alphyn to rape me. Like, were you not paying attention?”

“Yeah, but some of that is just rape. You obviously don’t care about that too much, since you still hang around Luna, Kat, Pinkie, Rarity, and probably a few others I haven’t found out about yet.”

“Don’t be a twat,” I said, thumping one of her ears. “I’m ready to go on to the next one.”

“As you wish,” Fear said, stepping closer. She enveloped us both with her oversized alicorn wings.

Once again, we appeared in Tartarus. This time it was at Mount Oberon and we were looking over Luna’s shoulder into a magic mirror. “Is Nav safe?” Luna asked.

“She is,” Celestia said. “Safe and sound back in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville? Why is she not in the palace with you?”

“...Because she didn’t want to come to the palace with me?”

“That’s absurd,” Luna said. “She just dealt with one of Discord’s lackeys! Does she truly think being in Ponyville is safe right now? She should be by your side!”

“Nav’s a grown-up, Luna. You somehow keep forgetting that. She’s quite capable of taking care of herself.”

“Obviously not, if she needed to be rescued.”

“She didn’t,” Celestia said with a small smirk. “Nav forged a pact with the demon Trixie summoned. Together, they worked to take her down. In the end, the demon took Trixie to Tartarus with him.”

“Nav escaped without you?”

“We did unlock the exit to let them out, but I’m confident it would have only taken Twilight half an hour at most to figure it out. And the only reason they lost is because Nav’s armor was cursed. Apparently, it was made using scales from an undead dragon. Eventually it came alive and took over her body.”

“That’s… interesting. I had never considered making armor from dragon scales, but it makes complete sense. Armor from an undead dragon just sounds… Actually… Hm. I bet you could graft a control rune on one and turn it into an undead knight.”

“Nav has no intention of using it anymore, but Twilight has already claimed it. I’d rather not risk animating something like that, even if it can supposedly be controlled. If the rune ever got damaged and it stayed active, there’s no guarantee we could stop it.”

“Regardless, putting it on was an unwise decision,” Luna said with a sigh. “I was hoping the gender stone incident would have taught her a lesson.”

“She cleared it with me and Reginald,” Celestia said. “I honestly didn’t foresee any issues and apparently he didn’t either. I mean, it didn’t seem like the best of ideas to me either, but I couldn’t sense anything wrong with the armor. Apparently, it was a gift from Spike, so Nav was trying to put it to use.”

“Perhaps Nav should take the scales from him to make a new set of armor, then. I imagine it would teach that hatchling his place.”

“You know I wouldn’t allow that, silly! Besides, Nav would claim any armor that’s purple is gay or something stupid like that.”

Luna snorted and rolled her eyes. “Probably. So if you weren’t able to rescue her, I guess she won’t feel as grateful to me…”

“It’s a moot point,” Celestia said. “I forbade her from seeing you except in emergencies.”

“W-what?” Luna whispered, eyes going wide. “How dare you!”

“I will not force Nav to be beholden to an agreement she made while under duress. If she doesn’t want to see you of her own accord, any meeting you might have would be unproductive and miserable for you both. You must wait until Nav is ready.”

“While you keep her all to yourself!”

Celestia giggled and said, “I made sure to rub her wings nice and slow to help her calm down! Let me tell you, that got her really riled up…” Taya giggled and Luna started grinding her teeth. “I’ll spare you the details, but Twilight walked in on something truly scandalous!”

“There will come a time when Nav sees you for what you are,” Luna coldly replied. “And when that happens, I would dread to be in your hooves.” With that, she set the mirror down. “That… that harlot! She knows full well that Nav is mine!”

“Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Ugh. I need to do something to get my mind off this… I bet I can find more of the soldiers to scare! They’re always so jumpy that it’s almost cheating, but at least it passes the time…”

When everything faded to gray, Taya snorted. “So what’s it like to have the two most powerful ponies catfighting for your attention?” she asked.

“Pretty fucking scary,” I said. “There were times it was fun, but I’ve seen things you couldn’t even imagine.”

“Spooky things?”

“Lewd things, some of which were spooky and some of which were painful. So, I’m guessing the takeaway here is something about how I shouldn’t have trusted Celestia?”

“Close,” Reason said. “You shouldn’t have trusted either of them.”

“Although you should have met Luna as she asked,” Pain said. “You did agree to it.”

“She wasn’t in a position to forgive Luna yet,” Fear said. “So talking to her wouldn’t have been very productive, as Celestia said.”

“I still should have kept my word,” I said. “Even if I didn’t want to, I should have at least heard her out. That doesn’t mean trusting her, obviously.”

“Even though she was crazy and wouldn’t have had anything useful to say?” Taya asked.

“Yeah. If you say you’re going to do something, you should do it. I’ve not seen any evidence yet that she’s a true threat to me in the dream world, so I can freely talk to her there. I just didn’t want to and when Celestia ordered me not to, I used that as an excuse. The only way Celestia ever would have known is if Luna or I told her.”

“I’m surprised the sisters were at each other’s throats,” Taya said. “Were they like this the whole time?”

“Apparently,” I said. “Celestia’s been destroying Luna emotionally for a while now. I was just another avenue she could use. Some of the things I’ve heard her say to Luna have been brutal. I’m glad we decided to kill her.”

“I mean… isn’t that what Luna gets for being creepy and insane?”

“No, that’s what made her creepy and insane. When I say a while now, I’m guessing it’s somewhere around fifty-two hundred years, with only a short gap of a thousand while Luna was on the moon. And even that would still be considered psychological warfare, since she was in solitary confinement for ages.”

“...Oh.”

“So, I shouldn’t have trusted either sister. I feel like we probably already covered that, but it’s good to have a reminder of why. What’s up next?”

“It’s time for your heart to burst,” Pain said. “Are you ready?”

“Let’s do it,” I said.

“I don’t want my heart to blow up!” Taya said.

“We don’t have hearts,” I said. “Remember, most of our organs got replaced with weird plant stuff.”

“Oh yeah. So let’s go, I guess. Just don’t kiss me again, please.”

“Fine, I won’t,” Pain said. Instead, Reason jumped over and kissed Taya. One of her hooves poked me on the belly button.

We appeared in Fluttershy’s cottage. “Alright, we’re ready to move on to the next one,” I immediately said.

“Too bad,” Pain replied.

I sighed and finally looked around. There really wasn’t much to see. Fluttershy was sitting on her couch with Angel, her evil rabbit. There weren’t any other critters present. It was dark out, so she had probably just gotten back.

“It’s so quiet,” Fluttershy whispered. “I miss the noise… All my little friends running about and playing…”

Her eyes turned blue as Flo took over. “You know Nav would allow you to have a few pets on the ship, as long as you didn’t go overboard.”

“I couldn’t take them from the forest,” Fluttershy said. “Especially since it’s so dangerous. I tried keeping a few birds around, but Spider and Kat…”

“Do you have any speculation about why you were targeted?” Flo asked.

“I’m all alone out here next to the forest,” she said. “Most of my pets are gone and even if they weren’t, no one else knows how to understand them. I should probably pack a few things and go to Ponyville like Nav suggested, but I can’t seem to find the energy…”

“Applejack’s farm is closer and she has plenty of rooms,” Flo said. “She needs to know that she has a target on her back, too. She isn’t as isolated, but if she goes out to one of the fields by herself, it would be easy to knab her.”

“Oh, I doubt anyone would target her,” Fluttershy replied with a small smile. “She can defend herself.”

“Not against magic. Rainbow Dash will also need to be warned, but her home is farther away so it can wait until morning. I imagine Nav will warn Pinkie and Rarity himself.”

“I really wish Nav had just stayed here tonight…” Fluttershy whispered.

“Yeah, well, he’s too much of a coward to tell you the real reason he won’t,” Flo said. “He’d probably get mad if I told you, but I’m mad he kicked me out, so I’d be happy to explain if you want to know.” That made Taya giggle.

“...I’d like to know as much about Nav as you’re willing to tell me.”

“Good, because I know more about him than he does. To put it bluntly, Nav thinks he is pure, irredeemable scum and that you are a holy saint. In effect, you’re way too good for anything he could ever become. Because of that, he’s horrified that you like him and want to spend time around him, because he thinks all he can do is corrupt or scare you. What’s worse is that he expects everyone to think the same.”

“That… doesn’t make any sense,” Fluttershy said. “He’s done so many great things! Sure, he does worry me sometimes, but I could never be afraid of him! And I could never think that I was too good for anyone.”

“I didn’t say it made sense,” Flo said with a cute giggle. “I just said that’s what he thinks. That’s why he’s scared of the idea of a relationship with you. He thinks it could only end in heartbreak, with you finally giving up on trying to fix him.”

“I already told him I was never interested in that!”

“Yeah. He didn’t believe you. I’m going to let you in on another little secret. When you’re talking with Nav, you need to remember that you aren’t dealing with someone who’s sane. His mental health has deteriorated a lot since he got here, and it wasn’t very good to begin with. I know more about Nav than he does, but I still can’t predict him half the time. Most water elementals can manipulate their hosts with ease, but there are times when nothing I do will sway his mind. This comes with the obligatory warning to do nothing to provoke him, obviously.”

“Nav may have a different mind, but I don’t think he’s crazy!”

“I don’t think he is, either,” Flo said. “I know he is, and you can take my word for it. I know he won’t do anything overtly dangerous in a place where it might get him in trouble, but he’s started to enjoy killing.” Fluttershy’s ears twitched, even though Flo was in control. “I’m telling you these things for both of your sakes, Fluttershy. Forget about Nav. Deal with him as little as you can. Until he’s less volatile, it’s best you just avoid him.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. If Nav is in pain, isn’t it my responsibility as a friend to help him?”

“Well, you’re not my real host anyway, so let’s try that again…” Fluttershy’s body went slack and Angel squeaked. She picked herself back up again quickly, though. “Forget about Nav. Deal with him as little as you can.”

“I can’t forget about him, but if you really think being around him would make things worse, maybe I could avoid him for a little while…”

That really set Angel off and he started squeaking up a storm. Well, until a droplet of water from Fluttershy hit him. He settled down and went to sleep, leaving Fluttershy none-the-wiser.

“So let’s talk about more of Nav’s secrets…” Flo said as the memory went gray.

“How’s that pure waifu of yours?” my guide asked.

“What’s a waifu?” Taya asked.

“A naughty word,” I immediately replied. “Besides, the only one adorable enough to be a waifu is Blossom. I will absolutely admit that Flo did a few things I didn’t approve of, like this and what she did to Kat.”

“What did she do to Kat?” Taya asked.

“Brainwashed her to be loyal to me. I thought it was an isolated incident, but apparently not.”

“Why be mad if all she’s doing is helping you?” Reason asked. “Everything she told Fluttershy was true, after all.”

“Uh, because brainwashing people is usually wrong unless they’re actually dangerous?” I said. “I mean, am I still the only one who believes that?”

“So why do you hate yourself?” Taya asked. I guess I am.

“The deterioration of my mental health, duh. Weren’t you listening? I’ve been treated as worthless so many times that it seems to be how I feel all the time.”

“Haven’t we treated you like a pretty little lady enough to make you feel special yet?” Taya asked. “Maybe we need more dresses…”

“So what’s the takeaway from this one, aside from the fact that Flo freely tells my secrets and uses her spooky mind powers all willy-nilly?”

“Or that Fluttershy is super depressing?” Taya added.

“It’s not nearly as much fun if you just say it yourself,” Pain said. “What’s the point of us hanging around?”

“Isn’t that part of why I’m here?” Taya asked. “I’m supposed to help you figure all of this out, right?”

“You are,” I said, booping her.

“Should you really trust Flo?” Fear asked. “You merely made her upset, yet she spilled some very deeply-held secrets of yours.”

“She’s been in your head for three weeks now, Taya,” I said. “What do you think of her?”

“She’s super overbearing and hates fun almost as much as Twilight.”

“Sometimes. That said, I have to expand my circle of those I actually trust further than just my daughters. Flo’s one of the likelier candidates, if for no other reason than she already knows my secrets anyway. It’s disheartening to know she’s fine with sharing my secrets all willy-nilly and also brainwashing people without asking me first, but it’s not like I’d expect anything less even from someone that I did trust.”

“So you expect me to betray you at some point?” Taya asked.

“I have low expectations of everybody, dear. It’s not just you, don’t worry. It’s what comes from a lifetime of neglect and/or abuse. And after everything I’ve seen in this coma, I can safely say that my best bet for a happy life in Equestria would have been to kill myself the instant I got here, because that’s the moment things started going downhill and nothing I could have done would have improved the situation more than marginally.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. The princesses started making plans for me as soon as they had enough information about me. By the time Luna tracked me down in Applejack’s orchard, it was probably too late for me to get out of Equestria alive. But that’s life, or whatever. Y’all got anything else to say about Fluttershy?”

“Stop treating her like an object,” Reason said. “Fluttershy finds it really insulting. Despite her behavior, she is very much a living pony.”

“Yeah, that part didn’t really make sense,” Taya said. “Do you, like, idolize her or something?”

“No, she’s too much of a coward for that. But she’s… too nice, to the point where it’s literally inhuman. I really didn’t have a way to describe it until Athena told me that you ponies actually are different from humans. Fluttershy’s a perfect example. To be honest, Twilight and all five of her friends are. That’s probably part of why I could never adjust to life here; I was surrounded by super powerful fae who were fighting for me without even realizing it.”

“Your relationship with Twilight’s going well,” Taya said. “What’s the difference between her and Fluttershy?”

“Uh. Personality? Twilight had a general idea of what she wanted and she was happy to ask my help to get it. Fluttershy is, for the most part, a doormat. She has asked me to fingerbang her before, but that was after she got kidnapped, so her hormones were racing. It was also bad timing, because Celestia was waiting her turn in the other room…”

“I thought you complained about mares ordering you around all the time,” Taya said. “Wouldn’t the opposite of that be nice?”

“I don’t want to go from one pole to another. I don’t want someone who wants to micromanage me to the point I can’t make any decisions and I don’t want someone who’s so afraid of disappointing me that I’d have to make all the choices. I want a mature adult who is willing to come to a reasonable compromise on things. Twilight’s still having problems with that sometimes, but she’s decent at it. To be honest, Moonbeam is probably the best at it.”

“And Fluttershy would be terrible at it,” Taya sighed. “Adults are complicated, mommy.”

“Some of them. Those of us with issues are usually worse. It just so happens I have about three million words worth of them.”

“What?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I said, tousling her mane. “I think we’re done with this sad-sack. Let’s move forward.”

“As you desire,” my guide said. Her eyes did their thing, taking us away.

The two of us ended up in the middle of a deep forest meadow. Fancy Pants and Fleur were standing in the middle, next to one of my paintings. Spookily enough, I could hear chanting in the woods.

“What is this?” Fleur asked. “I didn’t know Navarone painted.”

“Navarone does many things,” Fancy said. “Paints, explores, writes. Probably more.”

“He writes?” Fleur slowly said. “Books on what? How best to murder ponies?”

“Well, he says he translates, like what he did with this painting. Apparently he copies human books and has them published here in Equestria. At the last Gala, I made a deal with him to help sell his art.”

“Would you happen to know any of the books he’s penned?” Fleur slowly asked.

“Indeed I do. I trust that none of this will be used in your petty feud?”

“Of course not. Nav is dangerous. I’ll stick to low-level tactics. Tell me what he wrote.”

That made Fancy grin. “You’ve already read most of them, I believe. In fact, you were the one who first introduced me to them, the works from another world. Although it’s more accurate to say they’re from another time.”

“...Oh. I see.”

“He’s a lot more valuable as an ally than an enemy, Fleur,” Fancy said. “I actually went back in time with him and was able to see that clear as day. I’d like to bring him even closer, but it’s difficult when my wife is feuding with him.”

“He threatened to slit my throat and leave me to rot in a ditch.”

“And he didn’t do it, did he? Do you think it was because he couldn’t?”

Fleur snorted. “He’s got Celestia’s eye. He can do whatever he wants, murdering me included.”

“Luckily for you, that’s not what he wants. Look at this painting, Fleur.” She sighed and looked up at it. “It’s a human masterpiece. He can make them in hours and they’re ready to be sold within a day. His books are like this, too. If he wanted, he could have more money than I do. In fact, if he wanted, I’d wager he could get a lot more power, too. He doesn’t have time for you as his enemy. Forget your feuding with him, Fleur. He’d steamroll you in a heartbeat.”

“I can’t just surrender, but… I can talk. If this is the kind of quality he can guarantee, it’s worth peace. I’ll head to the palace to speak with him.”

“Thank you, Fleur. Nav is a friend well worth having, so I recommend putting the effort in.”

“Oh, I’ve heard plenty about him. I’ve seen him several times, too. It’s about time I sat down and had a true talk with him, then.”

“Good. Canterlot needs more friends, not rivals. Although if you were planning on trying to use him… Don’t. I’ll just leave it at that.”

“This is Canterlot. We all use each other to survive. I have a feeling he’s better at surviving than most. Don’t you worry about me, Fancy,” Fleur said with a small smile. “I’m just going to have a chat!”

With that, the memory went gray. “So why her?” Taya asked.

“Why her, what, exactly?”

“Why would you pick that conniving cunt?” Taya asked, a bit more directly.

“Alright, you’re going to need to back it up even further. If I don’t know what you’re talking about, I can’t answer your question. Would you like to phrase that differently?”

“It’s a pretty simple question,” Taya said. “You have your pick of women, mommy. So why would you choose the one you know is a lying, manipulative bitch?”

“You said it yourself,” I replied with a grin. “I have my pick of women, so my only options are lying, manipulative bitches. If her being a liar or manipulative are your only issues with her, she’s still ahead of some of her competition. So why do you hate her?”

“She was only attracted to you for your power. That’s why she latched her claws in so tightly. You realize that you agreed to compete in a beauty pageant for her, right? Can you not see that she’s only using you?”

“Yeah, using me to do the thing I asked her to do,” I said. “I was the one who pitched the idea to her to begin with. I knew as soon as I made the recommendation that one way or another, I was going to be involved. I was resigned to that. I didn’t want to be a competitor, but my life is suffering, so whatever.”

“So after everything you said about how sleeping with me might ruin our reputation, you’d go and marry the Canterlot bicycle? Even some of your guards have had turns with her!”

“Marrying a used mare is still a little higher on the totem pole than molesting my filly, actually. Fleur’s number of partners does make her less of an appealing marriage candidate, though. Especially now that I’m going for the world conquest route. Fleur would make a great mistress, though.”

“...World conquest route?” Taya slowly said.

“Yep, I decided we’re going to take over the world. I’m not quite sure what that will entail yet, but I think it’ll involve marrying into a royal family. That said, Fleur is still going to be very valuable.”

“When did you decide that?” Taya asked.

“I’m not quite sure, to be honest,” I replied. “But it’s been building in me since I got into the coma. I’ve seen so much bullshit, so much arrogance, so much… that I didn’t want to see. And I decided that I didn’t quite like what I saw. Not one bit. You know it just as much as me, Taya: This world is just waiting to get conquered. We have all the power at our fingertips now. Celestia’s under my control. We have the ship from the bunker that we can use to harvest resources. I honestly feel like with it, we could wage the final war.”

“...The final war?” she slowly said.

“I want Tartarus to be so much of a smackdown that nobody will ever dare stand in my way. It will be my warning to the world. Submit, or end up as it did.”

“...So what happens if we lose?”

“Who cares? The two of us can’t die. If shit goes haywire we’ll just ditch everyone and live together in the woods forever. Besides, if anything in Tartarus was dangerous enough for me to worry about, it would have unified Tartarus and be threatening us. It’s literally just a huge sitting duck we can use to terrify everybody on the planet, since everyone knows what that place is. If we can be at the head of the army that pacifies Tartarus, we basically have the world on a platter.”

“...I’m sure that’s what all the other crazy generals thought,” Taya said. “Do you seriously think no one has tried attacking Tartarus before?”

“I highly doubt anyone’s tried funding a serious expedition into Tartarus. Most people would think it’s suicidal. But most people don’t have the information that I have. Remember the vision with the alphyns we had a few minutes ago? We know they’re working as some manner of stabilizing presence in Tartarus, along with a few other races and Grogar. That means not everything there is hostile. I’m going to see what I can do about contacting the alphyns before we enter Tartarus, so we can get even more information. But don’t think for an instant that I’m planning on just going in there blind, Taya. I am thoroughly confident that, given the power and resources of Celestia, Moonbeam, and the griffins, I will absolutely demolish Tartarus.”

“...So, world domination. Nice. Does that mean I don’t need to convince you not to marry Fleur?”

“You don’t,” I said. “I’ve decided I’m going to be royalty. Which also means Twilight’s off the table, I’m afraid.”

“I understand… But she can still be a mistress too, right?”

“The way my life is going, probably. We’ve gotten way off topic. So what was the point of showing us Fleur?”

“Finally ready to pay attention to us?” Pride asked.

“Sorry, she was being needy,” I said. “Please, by all means.” This time, we were joined by Pride and Reason.

“I haven’t actually seen Spike yet,” Taya said. “So who are you?”

“Pride,” he proudly replied.

“How is this the first time I’ve seen you? Mommy lives and dies for her weird pride.”

“She does her best to hide me. I think she might be ashamed…”

“Ashamed of your pride?” Reason said. “That doesn’t even make sense. Anyway, we’re here to discuss your image, basically.”

“Which image is that?” I asked.

“The kind of image you’ll need if you seriously want to conquer the world,” Pride said. “You can’t seriously expect to do it the way you are, can you?”

“Nope, that’s why I’m here. If you’re talking about my whole overall negative and combative demeanor, I’m over that.”

“Fleur had a negative opinion of you for a reason,” Pride said.

“That’s true,” Reason said. “If it weren’t for the weird influence you have on everyone, you honestly wouldn’t have any friends. Nobody would have taken the time to get to know you because you would have driven them all way. If you’re planning to eradicate your pull, you need to make yourself a person others actually want to be around.”

“Not necessarily,” I said. “I just need to be someone people can tolerate.”

“You need to be someone you can be proud of,” Pride very stereotypically said.

“Sure, why not. So who should that be?”

“You’re not making this easy on us,” Reason said.

“And telling me mindless platitudes isn’t making it easy on me. I’m in here for super mystical inner truth bullshit. Telling me to be someone I’m proud of is fucking worthless. I could just pull open the laptop and watch Bob Ross or something!”

“We can’t make you be someone you’re not,” Reason said. “All we can do is point you toward being who you want. Basically what he means is you need to stop being a complete asshole to everyone you meet for no reason. You also need to stop provoking people for no reason. And you need to stop instigating fights. And derailing conversations. Basically, there’s just so much about you that needs a complete overhaul that it’s really much easier for him to just say what he said. And since you’ve been living like you have for so long, it’ll be hard to stop being a complete piece of shit. But unless you want more enemies like Fleur, without your pull to stop them, you need to unfuck yourself.”

“Thank you, that makes it much easier to understand. So basically, it’s all a bunch of stuff I’ve already decided to work on. I recognize that I have an image problem. I’m going to rectify it.”

“I hope so,” Pride said. “It would be nice to go for a walk in Canterlot without hearing all those whispers, wouldn’t it?”

“I’m going to hear them regardless. But I’d rather them be friendly than hostile.”

“You aren’t very nice to yourself,” Taya said. “Is this really how it is all the time in your head?”

“Look at who I am as a person. Did you expect it to be normal? I think we’re ready to move on.” Fake-Flo’s eyes lit up and we moved on to the next one.

This time, we saw me and Twilight sitting in front of the dream statue thing. Twilight’s horn was plugged into it and we were both absorbed by the machine. “This is when I attuned Twilight to the dream thingy,” I said. “We also set it to work on everything, not just ponies.”

“Why?” Taya asked.

“Wait, what?” Taya said. That made me blink and I looked down. Sure enough, there were two identical Tayas next to me. “Whoa! One of them is me! Cool!”

“I’m glad I got your body,” Hope said with a giggle. “She picked me up for a hug a few memories ago and it felt amazing!”

“Right? So you’ve gotta be Love, right?”

“Nope! I’m Hope!”

“Oh, that makes sense.” She smiled and looked up at me. “Aww, I’m your hope!”

“Of course, you’re my filly,” I said, tousling her mane. “So, are you over yourself for the moment?”

“Not yet.” She started walking around and poking Hope’s body here and there. “Doppel won’t pretend to be me, so it’s hard to see myself from other angles. Keep talking and do your thing, don’t mind me.”

“‘Kay! So why did you spread dreams to everyone, Navi?”

“It felt like the right thing to do. Everyone should dream. It allows everyone to experience a world of their own creation. You can have a surprising amount of control over your dreams, if you do it properly. After some advice, Rarity’s become an incredibly active dreamer. If you get good enough at it, you can build entire adventures every night. Everyone should have that.”

“What about nightmares?” Hope asked.

“Yeah, they suck. But they usually help you identify things in your life that need to be unfucked. Plus, the dream machine is tuned for good dreams, so there shouldn’t be many nightmares.”

“What do you think dreams are?” she asked.

“Some form of semi-magical pseudo-consciousness that’s linked to all other dreaming minds. The dream machine finds a way of tapping into that underlying dream network and allowing people attuned to it to see into the dreams of others.”

“So that would make dreams aspects of the soul?” she asked.

“It might. I’m honestly not sure. Where are we going with this?”

“I was gonna lead to it, but I guess I can skip ahead. You can use this machine to kill everyone on the planet. It must be destroyed before you bring any humans forward in time.”

“Well yeah, that goes without saying,” I replied.

“Wait, why?” Taya asked. “How can dreams kill anyone?”

“We didn’t tell anyone this for a reason. Right now, you’re the third to know. It’s possible to use the dream machine to make someone sleep until they die. If I wanted to, I could kill everybody on the planet. That was my ultimate failsafe plan against Celestia.”

“...Whoa. Does it work on the monsters in Tartarus?”

“It’s going to be with me on the front lines,” I said. “If it does work on them, the fights will be even more one-sided. If it doesn’t work on them, then I can use it to make all our soldiers have good dreams. It’s a win either way.”

“I can’t imagine Luna knew. So was it Twilight?”

“If Luna knew about this, she would have used it against Celestia ages ago. I discovered this with Twilight’s help. Basically, it means the humans can use this machine to control all of you guys.”

“But it works on humans too, right?” Taya asked. “Like, you could use it against them instead, right?”

“Sure I can… now. But admin privileges can be revoked. If anyone else manages to gain control over that thing, there would be a problem. If we’re going to bring humans forward in time, it’s gonna have to go.”

“Then you gotta get me admin privileges,” Taya said. “Twilight’s told me some stories and I want in!”

“Not gonna happen,” I said. “You’d get in way too much trouble. Anyway, none of what you just said sounded too hopeful. Why are you the one here for this and not Reason?”

“There were those who dreamed before the machine was turned on,” Hope said. “And the machine itself had to be constructed in some way. Your hope is that you can figure out how before you have to destroy it. If you know how it was built, you might be able to figure out just what dreams are. Or maybe you have to figure out what dreams are to find out how to build it. I’m not really sure, to be honest.”

“That’s not very helpful,” Taya said. “Is this really how strong your hope is, mommy?”

“I hope you can do better than that,” I said with a smile.

“I was gonna tell you where to start looking, but I don’t know if I want to anymore!”

“I know what’ll make you feel better,” I said, picking Hope up for another warm hug. My real filly huffed in jealousy while the fake one in my arms giggled and hugged back. “See how satisfied and cute you look?”

“I can see that,” Taya said, rolling her eyes.

I could already feel the mania coming, so I let the fake filly go. “There, how about that?”

“Much better! I’ll overlook your terrible pun for now. You met a dream demon, didn’t you?”

“I did. I guess that would be a good place to start. It seemed to have similar abilities.”

“Be wary. It could also lock minds away.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“So when did you meet a dream demon?” Taya asked. “And… where?”

“In the mage tower, after we beat Pertz. Celestia asked me to come back to clear out some demons. The dream demon was one of them. It locked me in a nightmare that I escaped with Flo’s help.”

“You have way too much fun without me, mommy.”

“Sometimes. So, do we have anything else to talk about here?”

“You do custom dreams, right?” Taya asked.

“Sometimes. We can always play around in them later.”

“Cool. So what’s to stop the humans from just building another one of these machines?”

“Hopefully, not knowing how. I know I can get a stable wormhole to the Google bunker right before the war. They wouldn’t have made the dream machine by then, so they wouldn’t know how. I was also going to try to pick up more humans from other areas and times, if we could manage it.”

“So if they wouldn’t know how to make the machine, why would they know how to work it?” Taya asked. “You don’t really need to destroy it, do you?”

“I’d rather not risk it falling into their hands. If they can reverse engineer it, they can make their own. Better to make sure the device is gone before it becomes a possible problem.”

“Whatever I guess,” she said, hanging her head.

“Yeah, dreams are totally neato. But if not dreaming is the price to pay for being able to wake up, I’d say most people would pay it.”

“True…”

“So, we’re good to go,” I said with a nod. “Let’s kick it, fam.” My guide’s eyes lit up and we moved forward in time.

We ended up in Moonbeam’s bedroom. At the moment, she was hugging past-me. “This is when she told me about how she was created,” I said.

“What?” Taya said.

“About sixty-two hundred years ago, Moonbeam was an alicorn midwife. Celestia was her student when their empire came under attack by Discord. The empire was nearly annihilated when he found Moonbeam and Celestia, who were at some faraway home to help deliver a foal, who turned out to be Luna. Moonie told Celestia to run with Luna while she tried to fend Discord off. One of the ways he eliminated the alicorns was by turning them into mindless changelings. He gave her the choice to become the mother of all the changelings. As an alicorn, she was barren and her one desire in life was to be a mother. She took his offer and began regretting it almost immediately.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Taya said.

“Don’t spread a word of that, by the way. At the moment, it’s a huge sore point for her.”

“Come on, who would I even tell?”

“Fair enough, it’s not like you have any friends. So, do we have any visions for this?”

“What did you think of her confession?” Moonbeam asked. That made me doubletake and I saw her standing with Luna. That’s when I realized it was Love and Fear.

“Oh wow, she’s one too?” Taya asked. “So, what, is she Disgust or something?”

“I’m Love, thank you very much!” she huffed.

“Wait, what? Not… I dunno, Cadance?”

“You too?! Ugh.”

“It’s okay,” Fear said, patting her companion on the side. “At least you get to be Love! I’m the one he’s most scared of…”

“Moonie has stopped at nothing to get love ever since she was created,” I said. “I assume if you’re here, I thought more about that confession than I realized. Would you care to enlighten me?”

“It’s simple,” Love said. “Your heart sings for the broken. Taya. Kat. Luna. Moonbeam. You surround yourself with those like yourself, those whose hearts need mending. You think that by helping them fix themselves, you might find a way to fix yourself.”

“Except it doesn’t work like that,” Fear said. “The broken can’t fix the broken. You’ve done a decent enough job to bring them as far as you have, but the only thing that’s kept you alive has been your pull.”

“Are you saying I love Moonie because she’s broken?” I asked.

“And it’s why you gave Luna chance after chance,” Love replied with a nod.

“Mommy, why do you have to be so dumb all the time?” Taya asked. “Can you, like, start using your brain sometimes?”

“Hey, I stopped giving Luna chances!”

“You slept with her in your dreams before entering the coma,” Fear said. Taya face-hooved.

“She wouldn’t leave me alone! I’d rather throw her a pity bone every now and then than risk her acting out. She’s terrifying enough when she isn’t on the prowl for a dicking.”

“Don’t even try to defend it, mommy,” Taya said. “You can’t.”

“So let’s get back on topic,” I said. “I’m glad Moonie told me the truth. Learning that she was created by Discord was worrying, but I don’t have any room to judge her. I’d still like more information about her deal with him, though.”

“What deal?” Taya asked.

“A few memories back, I saw her speaking to Discord. From what she said, they formed some kind of pact after Moonie lost at the wedding.”

“So… She’s off the table, right?”

“Depends on the specifics of the deal. Until I know, yes.”

“Which makes Celestia your only real choice, right?”

I sighed and hung my head. “Probably… Gilda would be an interesting choice, but I know a lot more about pony culture than I do about griffins. And if I join the griffins, they’ll get too powerful too quickly. I don’t know if I want that to happen to a group of predators. Even worse, there wouldn’t be any cute colts around to flirt with you. Of course, getting rid of her might be a problem.”

“Maybe not, actually,” Taya said. “Two weeks ago, I was looking for Twilight for something. I used the spell to eavesdrop on her and saw her with Gilda. They were… Well, you wouldn’t have wanted me watching. They’ve apparently been spending quite a lot of time together, working on more books. If you’re not going for Twilight anyway, we could probably set them up.”

“Talking Gilda into that might be difficult, but they could easily keep it hidden. What do you think, Love?”

“Imagine all the pomp and fuss that would come with being Celestia’s wife,” she said. “You’d have everyone bowing and scraping every time you turned around. You wouldn’t be able to do a thing. And you just know Celestia would become insanely overprotective.”

“The same thing would happen if I married Moonbeam, but it wouldn’t be as bad if I married Gilda. She’s the youngest princess, so she has a lot less power. Although my influence might change that.”

“It already has,” Fear said. “Several griffins spoke very well of her and her inventions during the festival. It’s obvious most commoners like what she’s doing, even if it isn’t as traditional.”

“Minus those who are hoping for a coup. Do you think Moonbeam would be a good fit for me?”

“I do,” Love said. “The two of you seem to complement each other well. You’re definitely compatible in most of the places you think count. I’m positive you could convince her to found a new capital with you, one on the surface. With her changelings, the elementals and Jonathan, and your ideas, it would be easy to make the most magnificent city on the planet.”

“That would be neat,” I said. “Celestia probably wouldn’t want to abandon Canterlot and I doubt anyone would follow Gilda. I’d probably still want to make something in the Everfree, but being able to found a new capital city would be interesting. I even have a fun idea for where to put it…”

“Gonna share?” Taya sweetly asked.

“Well, if things go well in Tartarus, there will be plenty of land up for grabs. If I was going to found a new capital, I’d claim the gates and all the land around them and build a city right there. That way, you’d be able to trade with three continents instantly. You could also add a toll on the gates, to make money on anyone who wants to travel between continents instantly.”

“That sounds fun,” Taya said with a smile. “You really are the best mommy ever!”

“Sometimes. So, we got any visions for my time in the caverns?”

“We do,” Love said. “Are you prepared?”

“Sure.” Fear reached out to poke me and Taya.

Instead of the hive, we appeared in the meeting room on the ship. Doppel, Kat, Watcher, another Taya, and Gourd were present.

“So where’s Nav?” Kat asked.

“He’ll be staying down below,” Watcher said. “It was part of the deal he made with Chrysalis.”

“Oh boy,” Doppel said, rolling her eyes. “So you’re saying he’ll come back completely drained.”

“Probably,” Taya sighed.

“I’ll pack a few things and join him,” Kat said. “We obviously can’t leave him alone with Chrysalis.”

“Why not?” Taya asked. “She isn’t going to do anything to hurt him. She’ll just make him walk funny for a few days.”

“That doesn’t mean we should leave him unguarded,” Kat said. “Surely I’m not the only one who sees the necessity!”

“Chrysalis didn’t seem interested in extra company,” Watcher said. “I’m sure she has other reasons than sex for keeping him down there. Nav was willing to stay by himself and I don’t see any reason we should doubt him. Chrysalis is an ally, after all.”

“The last time we let Nav wander off alone, he got trapped in a bunker!” Kat said.

“And he won’t be wandering off alone with Chrysalis around,” Doppel said. “She’ll make sure of that, trust me.”

“She didn’t, actually,” I said. “I almost got killed by ghosts while I was there.” The real Taya snorted.

“He’ll be fine, Kat,” Watcher said.

“So what exactly did he agree to?” Gourd asked.

“Basically, that he would keep the queen entertained while her miners dig up Flo for us,” Watcher said. “We’re welcome to help, but her mining team seems competent. Given that they live underground, it’s no surprise.”

“So I guess Nav’s taking one for the team,” Gourd said.

“I doubt he’s thinking of it that way,” Watcher said. “Where are the water elementals?”

“They went back to the town,” Kat said. “Apparently the ponies are having issues with their water source. The elementals have a way to help. Given that we all rode with Nav, everything we do to help will improve his reputation. Apparently he needs it out here.”

“If we aren’t going to be helping down below, we could all return to the town,” Gourd said. “Nav did mention that he had a misunderstanding with the locals. They don’t have many unicorns, so I’m sure there are a lot of things we could help with.”

“I can doll myself up and whore myself out,” Doppel said with a nod. “I wouldn’t charge too much, so I’m sure they’d be happy!”

“You’re not going to do that,” Taya said. “Daddy wouldn’t allow it, so I won’t either.”

“Agreed,” Watcher said. “We don’t need anything more like that attached to Nav’s name.”

“Not much else I can do,” Kat said with a shrug. “Unless we need to kill any of them, that is.”

“I’ll find Smiles after this meeting and ask if there’s any need for us to head over there,” Watcher said. “Ice’ll be able to fill us in. If we do, we’ll let the ship unicorns do their thing. I’m not about to bend over backwards to impress some yokels and I’m not about to order any of my soldiers to, either.”

“Besides, they’re kinda racist,” Taya said. “They might not be interested in seeing some of you.”

“What do ponies see in Equestria?” Kat asked. “All the ones I ever met in Catro wanted to go home, but this place isn’t all that great.”

“It is if you fit in and obey the princess,” Watcher said. “Equestria is a true paradise, then. I loved almost every minute of it, until Nav showed up and ruined it all by being too different.”

“What, are you saying you don’t love working with him even more?” Gourd asked.

“In a different way. Working for Celestia had much better rewards, but it always made me feel stained. Slimy, sometimes. Most of the work I do for Nav has me feeling righteous. I have a feeling he’s going to make some powerful enemies very soon, but I’m old enough to prefer to go down swinging than continue living… like I had been.”

“I wonder what daddy would say about that…” Taya said with a small grin.

“He’d probably call it gay,” Watcher said. “If he could cut things like that out, he’d be a much better leader. But it certainly does make him the most unique leader I’ve served with, which had all kinds of its own benefits.”

“Didn’t he also make you rich?” Gourd asked.

“He did, but Celestia’s rewards were more fulfilling in a different way,” Watcher said. “The gold we got from the job in the south had nothing on the reward the entire night guard got when Nav was knighted and we looted the old castle in the Everfree. The old gold and enchanted gems he brought back made all of us, if not wealthy, at least comfortable. Given that I was one of the squad leaders during the expedition into the castle, I got an even larger share, money that I put to good use. My squad’s been even more effective with all the gear I got them.”

“I’ve been wondering how you’ve all been keeping up,” Kat said with a smirk. “No offense to any of you, but I honestly expected a few casualties by now.”

“Not only are my troops extremely well trained and mostly specialized, but they also all wield the best equipment money can buy and Equestrian smiths can make. They’re also all covered in enchantments from the mages at the tower. None of them will be easy to kill, I promise. I can’t necessarily say they’d individually stand up to a cat assassin, a changeling spy, or a naga warrior, but together, we can make miracles happen.”

“And summon demons in cities,” Doppel said.

“That’s kind of like a miracle,” Watcher said. “Just in reverse. Although we merely escorted the one who actually summoned it. Anyway, we’re off topic. Gourd, have the ship prepped to anchor here in case we aren’t needed back in town.”

“Sure we can’t at least fly back and anchor there?” Gourd asked. “The food would definitely be better.”

“Nav told me that the last time he stayed in a hive, the place was attacked by giant ants,” Watcher said. “I’d like to be nearby, if possible.”

“And I’ll go pack my bags so I can head down to guard Nav,” Kat said with a nod.

“We’ve been over this,” Watcher said. “The queen wants Nav to herself.”

“Right. I don’t mind watching. I’m just going to keep Nav safe, that’s all. I wouldn’t want any giants ants to get him…”

Watcher rolled his eyes and looked to Doppel. “Your job is to find a way to keep Kat distracted. I leave the how up to you. Borrow Taya if you have to.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t need her,” Doppel said. “Kat’s just acting out because she’s so pent up. If Nav would just get over himself and tend to her needs, she wouldn’t be this bad. But don’t worry, I’ll give her the next best thing. After all, Navi can’t give her a real dicking anymore!” Taya walked up to the table and knocked an empty cup off of it. “...What was that for?”

“I’m acting out,” Taya said.

“Step in line,” Kat said. “She’s punishing me first.” With that, Kat picked Doppel up and carried her out.

“Well, since Doppel doesn’t need you, join Jak,” Watcher said, looking down at my filly. “I’m sure he could use your help with his project.”

“Ugh, whatever.” Taya walked off in a huff, clearly disappointed Doppel had chosen the adult instead of the child.

When she was gone, Gourd grunted. “Should we uh… I dunno, do anything about that?”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys,” Watcher said. “If Nav’s gonna keep acting the way he does, it’s no surprise to me that his filly’s gonna pick up the same behavior. It shouldn’t be any surprise to him either. Now, since we’re all that’s left, I’m calling the meeting done.”

“Got it. I’m gonna go peek through the crack Doppel put in her door for a few minutes, then work on anchoring the ship.”

“And I’m gonna go forget you said that,” Watcher said. “See you later.” The memory finally came to a close, depositing us back in the hive with me and Moonie.

“I was kinda wondering how they all lived this long, myself,” I said. “I guess that’s a decent explanation.”

“So let’s get it out of the way,” Taya said. “What do you think about me sleeping around, mommy?”

“We’ve already talked about that. My answer is that sex is fun, but sleeping around is bad for you. Please keep your number of partners small, even if you do it with them often. And also don’t flaunt it around me, because I’m not about that life.”

“Bad for you, how?” she asked.

“For one, it can make your body ache. Too many dicks too quickly or too hard can feel fun in the short term, but make your hips hurt later. Twilight did something I’m not allowed to tell you about during the festival that left her unable to walk.”

“W-what was it?” Taya slowly asked.

“I’m not allowed to tell you. Don’t worry about it. Now, what’s the takeaway here?”

“There are a few,” Love said. “Kat is addicted to you. What do you intend to do about it?”

“Kat’s mind is broken. I’m going to talk to Cascade to see what can be done about fixing it. Then I’m going to talk with Kat and see if I can get her permission to be cured.”

“Like using Aqua to make me stop lusting for you?” Taya asked.

“Kinda. I’m getting a little tired of dealing with Kat’s super possessiveness. What’s the other takeaway?”

“How do you feel about what Watcher said?” Fear asked.

“He said a lot of things. Wanna be more specific?”

“He called you the most unique leader he ever served under,” Fear said. “And that your terrible behavior and attitude were stopping you from being the best.”

“That isn’t what he said,” Taya replied.

“It’s what he meant, though,” I said, patting my filly on the head. “And I understand what he was talking about, now. He told me himself that the worse I acted, the worse the troops would behave. And to be honest, I want to strangle half of them most of the time, so he was right.”

“And you intend to rectify your behavior, of course,” Love sarcastically said. “It’ll be interesting to see how that goes.”

“And do you have any thoughts about what Doppel said concerning Kat?” Fear asked.

“About how it was basically my responsibility to throw her a bone every now and then?”

“Yes, that.”

“It’s about what I’ve come to expect from Doppel,” I said with a shrug. “The only reason that would be considered my responsibility is if Kat absolutely couldn’t go without it or get it anywhere else. And she can, she’s just a needy, horny slut.”

“Maybe she learned from watching you,” Fear said.

“What do you think, Taya?” I asked. “Should it be my job to sexually please all of my followers?”

“I mean, she is your blood servant,” Taya said. “Shouldn’t she get rewarded for doing well? And why not make use of her whenever you’re lonely or bored?”

“Alright, let’s ask someone normal, like Love. Do you think I should take advantage of Kat?”

“I think she’d love it if you did. But I think you’d hate it. You were disturbed when she came to you that night. You only gave in because she knew how to manipulate you perfectly. For the sake of your mental health, I’d advise against it. She might find it troublesome for a while, but once your pull loses its grip on her mind, she’ll be able to find a proper mate.”

“Hopefully having her insanity cured will help. So, do we have any other takeaways from this?”

“Nope,” Love said. “Are you ready for the next memory?”

“Sho Nuff,” I said. She walked forward and poked us both.

We actually didn’t go anywhere, but the me on the bed disappeared and Moonie moved over to her mirror. “You lied to me,” she said to nobody.

“When?” Discord asked, appearing right behind her.

“You told me that Navarone was yours. He said he’s working to kill you!”

“How does one preclude the other?” Discord asked. “First of all, what makes you think she even knows she’s mine?”

“I… what? How could he not?!”

“I fabricated a convincing enough story for her. As far as she knows, she has nothing to do with me. Good thing you can’t tell her, isn’t it?”

“...I wish to nullify our deal. I no longer desire to help you.”

“Oh? What about the changelings?” Discord asked with a smirk. “Do you really think you can keep going as you are, without my help?”

“You’re helping me whether you want to or not. Nav is on my side, not yours. And she’s filled me with something I haven’t felt in a long time. I will not throw this hope away on more promises from a demon! We will free Nav from you and then we shall kill you.”

“You promised to support me, Chrysalis,” Discord sweetly said. “You promised to help me fight!”

“I no longer go by that name. You will address me as Moonbeam.”

“Why? It’s not like you could ever go back to being her. Your hooves are too stained. How many have you put in the grave yourself? How many have you caused to die?”

“Looking backwards has gotten me nowhere. My favorite human has advised me to look forward instead. And I foresee a lovely lack of Discord in my future.”

“Oh? How far does your trust in my lovely little Navi go, hm? What makes you think she won’t cast you aside like all the others? Or learn too much and run away in fear?”

“That’s utterly ridiculous. I’d break his legs before he could get three steps away. Then he’d be mine to cuddle for eternity! Now leave. You are no longer welcome here.”

“Well fine, be that way!” Discord huffed, floated over to the bed, and tossed the mattress. He disappeared before it could hit the floor.

Moonbeam sighed and finally stood. “I… did it. I… I actually got out of the deal! N-now I can… No. Now I am merely one step closer.” She sighed and used magic to set her bed upright. “Oh, that I could smell… I’m sure your scent still lingers on the sheets, but alas… Soon, oh so very soon, you won’t want to leave me anymore…” Thankfully, that finally ended the memory. I wish it had stopped a few seconds sooner to avoid creeper territory, but I guess it’s better to know the extent of the crazy.

“So I take it Moonbeam is back on the table?” Love smugly asked.

“You take it as well as she does,” I said. “Although I still want the specifics of the deal and I want to know why she didn’t tell me. Although I wouldn’t be surprised at all if part of the deal is that she couldn’t talk about the deal. It seemed like Discord alluded to that.”

“Isn’t she foal-crazy?” Taya asked. “And don’t you hate foals?”

“Well, we talked about that. She proposed borrowing Fleur’s womb, since Fleur wanted to be a mommy anyway. That way, she could still have foals and I wouldn’t have to be nearly as involved. But like I said, it puts her back on the table, it doesn’t mean I’m decided. Anyway, what’s the takeaway from this one?”

“That Moonbeam has placed her hope in you, for one,” Fear said. “She believes you can help her race as much as Discord, apparently.”

“I can help her race a lot more than that asshole,” I said. “Because nothing he ever does is helpful. No matter what he promised her, he would have found a way to fuck her over. I’m surprised she didn’t realize that.”

“Right?” Taya said. “I was around him a lot less than her and I picked up on it pretty quickly.”

“And at the beginning, you thought you could use him even though you couldn’t trust him,” I said, making her ears twitch. “I got to see some of those memories. That was dumb as fuck, Taya.”

“Yeah, well, I already learned my lesson. So we know Moonbeam likes mommy. Is there anything else here?”

“There is,” Love said. “It seems Discord is tolerant about abandoning his deals. Well, assuming he hasn’t already put any work into them, at least.”

“He hasn’t visited me personally in a long time,” Taya said. “Probably since he convinced me to lead you into an ambush. So I’d say he’s okay with abandoning deals even after he’s put some work in.”

“Only if he accomplished what he really wanted,” I said. “Which was to make you my eternafilly. The last time I spoke to him, he told me that was something he set in motion. So just because you think you’re done with him, doesn’t mean he agrees.”

“Wait, but I decided I wanted that after I attacked him! He had nothing to do with it!”

“Did you ever tell him anything about wanting to be my little filly forever? Or maybe wanting to keep me safe for all time?”

“I… might have… B-but you were under Aqua’s control when you allowed it!”

“Aqua was corrupted by Discord’s crystals,” I said, crossing my arms. “The crystals he put over her prison that also corrupted Sombra.”

“It was my choice!” she shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“And he enabled it,” I replied. “If Aqua hadn’t been controlling me, I wouldn’t have allowed it. So that was Discord helping you out, Taya. Without him, you’d be my normal ol’ boring filly instead of my sweet little cherry blossom.”

“So… does that mean you’re happy with the change now?” Taya asked.

“No, don’t be silly. So, Moonie may say she’s done with Discord, but that doesn’t mean Discord’s done with her. That said, he can’t exactly force her to fight with him, unless he actually cheats.”

“Is that really enough to put her back on the table?” Fear asked.

“Come on,” I said. “Ever since I started taking the idea of marriage seriously, I liked the idea of marrying her. It would blindside everybody! I mean, the hero always gets with the stunning beauty, right? Now here I’d be getting with the hideous monstrosity as I attempt to redeem her! Total subversion.”

“...Is it wise to marry something you consider a hideous monstrosity?” Love slowly asked.

“I dunno, maybe? I’ve never married anyone before, so I don’t have a frame of reference. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I won’t be married to anything I find attractive. At least Moonbeam can rectify her situation at will. I don’t have to close my eyes and pretend like I do with ponies sometimes, I can just ask her to become something else.”

“Wow,” Taya said. “Way to make me feel pretty, mommy!”

“Good, I’m glad you finally understand I don’t find you attractive. So, let’s get back on subject. What do you two think about getting out of a deal with Discord?”

“I think it might be possible… for the one who originally made the deal,” Fear said.

“And since you weren’t technically the one who bargained away your soul, that means you’re out of luck,” Love added with a grin.

“Why does that make you smile?” I asked.

“You hate yourself enough that it comes through in all of your aspects,” my guide said. “Though it’s less noticeable in some than others.”

“That’s just ridiculous,” Taya said. “I honestly don’t understand what could make you hate yourself so much. You’re just being dramatic, aren’t you?”

“I dunno, mental illnesses are weird. So, are we done here?”

“We have one more little memory for you,” Fear said. “Are you ready?”

“Do your thing,” I said. She did just that, poking us both.

We appeared once more in the hive, this time in a long room. Moonbeam was there with the scientist changeling who showed off the train. They also had two randos with them. The nail gun they used to hammer the lines in was on a table in front of them all.

“I saw what this thing could do to rock point blank,” Moonie said. “What would it do to flesh at range?”

“I had a feeling you would ask that question eventually,” the scientist said. “Using a sharpened rail nail, it’s capable of penetrating chitin from up to five to ten meters away, depending on a few factors. The main problem is the weight of the nail.”

“Could you improve the design to make something more viable?”

“Likely, but… Well, we were given all the memories you received from the human. Including the memories about… war. I believe the weapons most humans used were designed differently. He said they didn’t have magic and everything in his memories supported that claim, so they had to use something available on the planet. And since they had enough of it to spare for war, it had to be commonly available. The list of things you can combine to create explosions is fairly short. I think we’d be better off experimenting with that line of research.”

“...Explosions. If you want to study those, you will need a research center above-ground. I won’t have you risking any cave-ins down here. But why pick those, of all things?”

“The common handheld weapon is something Nav referred to as a gun. The memories he gave us were vague, but included some of them being fired. Every time the trigger is pulled, there’s a burst of fire from the barrel and two things eject. One is the round, the dangerous part that comes with the explosion. The other is a small piece of metal, I believe something used to contain an explosive combination of some kind. If that deduction is correct, the gun works by using the energy from the explosion to propel a round at speeds fast enough to kill. If we can figure out which materials they used, we could duplicate the effects.”

“Makes sense, and I have reason to believe what you say is accurate. Put all of this to paper, and include all of the explosive combinations you’re aware of. You’ll continue researching the fusion of magic and technology, a field we will now call magitech, and someone else will take on that project.”

“...You don’t wish your best mind to work on creating weapons for the hive?” the scientist asked.

“If we advance too quickly, Nav will become upset with me. He’s more valuable as an ally than an enemy, as I’m sure you’ve no doubt realized. He may have given us all of his useful memories, but more tidbits might sneak out.”

“Why not just steal everything of value in his mind? We’d advance so quickly that we’d become unstoppable!”

“I’m afraid that isn’t an option,” Moonie said. “And that is the end of that discussion. Now, let me see this device in action. I want to see it fired at a target.”

“...As you wish,” the chick said. She waved the two random changelings up to the table and the memory finally faded.

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised,” I sighed. “I’m sure Gilda and Celestia were doing it too…”

“You knew this would happen when you started spreading technology,” Fear said. “Was the thought of advancing the races so tempting that you risk signing the death warrants of millions?”

“Think of the benefits of a world filled with magictech contraptions. The possibilities for killing are endless, but so are the possibilities for utility. It’s up to individuals to use what we invent as they see fit. Yes, it will result in the deaths of many. But it will also result in lives everywhere getting better overall, which will in turn increase the population. With luck and planning, it’ll be more of a net gain.”

“Besides, we get to control the real weapons,” Taya said with a smug grin.

“Also that,” I said with a nod. “All the golems and magic artillery I’m planning on making are going to be solely under my control.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” Love asked.

“I mean, it’s supposed to be, but I understand why some wouldn’t agree. I might decide to make a few other things, depending on my mood. Definitely an automatic crossbow mounted on the back of a flying chariot. I’ll also load up a bunch of small airships with magic cannons.”

“That means you could also load a small magic cannon onto a chariot,” Fear said. “Assuming there are runes on it to absorb the recoil, it could be a mobile fort-buster.”

“Might be difficult to aim, but that does sound fun. I’ll brainstorm ideas with Jak later to see what’s viable and what isn’t.”

“I can’t believe you waited so long to do this,” Taya said.

“I didn’t have access to an army until just recently. Sure, I theoretically could have retrofitted Celestia’s army before I took over, but… I don’t know if I would have liked what she’d do with the power.”

“Because your plans are clearly so much better,” Fear said, rolling her eyes.

“Don’t judge me, you are me. So, what’s the takeaway? I assume just that Moonie is making weapons?”

“You assume wrong, thankfully,” Love said. “So we get to be useful again. Just as you defend Moonbeam when others insult her, she defends you when others attack you.”

“I did notice that,” I said. “That’s definitely promising.”

“Although it is kinda the bare minimum,” Taya said. “And doesn’t it go against the spirit of what you asked of her?”

“I knew I couldn’t stop her from making weapons. It’s whatever. And besides, if I end up choosing her, it’ll just benefit me anyway. Any other takeaways?”

“Nope,” Fear said.

“Cool. Love, would you mind a quick kiss?”

“I’d prefer a long one, but a quick one would be fine!” That was all the permission I needed. I leaned in to kiss my precious bug queen. She giggled and kissed back. I let it last until I started to get lightheaded, then pulled back. She sighed in disappointment.

“Alright, I’m ready to move on,” I said.

“Actually, I do have one question,” Fear asked. “Do you want to talk about the time you ravished Moonbeam as a tentacle monster?”

“You did what-now?” Taya asked.

“She turned me into a changeling for various reasons. So while I was a changeling, I covered myself in tentacles and used them to plug almost every single one of her holes. She loved it, but told me I was never allowed to do it again because it made her feel so sore. And no, I really don’t want to talk about it. Why would you even ask?”

“To see if you’d explain it to your filly,” Fear asked with a smirk.

“T-tentacles?” Taya whispered, her eyes wide.

“Nice and slimy. I lost count of the number of times she squirted. It was pretty hot. Now, let’s move on.”

“As you desi—”

“Why do you do this?!” Taya shouted. “You know how it makes me feel!”

“I don’t, actually. How does it make you feel?”

“Confused, frustrated, and slightly jealous! You blew me off the entire time you were down there to do weird things to the queen!”

“And the weeks before and after that, I cuddled with you all the time as we flew here and there on the ship. I can’t afford to give you all of my time. Besides, you don’t have nearly as many holes as her, so tentacles wouldn’t be as much fun. Basically, don’t worry about it. And also don’t ask for more information when the answers so obviously include things you don’t want to hear.”

“Telling me not to worry about it doesn’t really help, mommy! Especially when you comment about my holes! I bet I’d have just as much fun with your tentacles as she did!”

“Nuh-uh, because I wouldn’t consent,” I said. “Which means you couldn’t have any fun at all. What you choose to do with others is no business of mine, of course.”

Taya glared up at Love. “Does she really love me?”

“Yes. She just doesn’t lust for you. You are, after all, her cute little filly. And you always will be, now. Your mother will never see you as a grown mare, someone worthy of her romantic attentions. It’s a good thing this is exactly what you wanted, or I might be worried it would upset you.”

“Yeah, being a child for all time would be absolute torture, to me,” I said. “Never being able to have any responsibilities, never able to make your own choices, never able to decide your own fate, never able to have any kind of long-lasting relationships… I really don’t know what you see in it.”

“Wait, why can’t I have relationships?” Taya asked.

“Oh, you can,” Fear said. “But what normal colt is going to want to date a filly that never ages and can’t have foals? After about five or so years, they’d probably start to feel a little weird. Your only option is another immortal, and those don’t exactly grow on trees. Especially since it would have to be a male immortal near your age. Basically, becoming Nav’s eternafilly means you’re reliant on her for life and any chance of returning to normality is gone. It was, by every metric I can think of, an absolutely terrible idea. So hopefully you see something literally everyone else can’t, because even the elemental who allowed it only did so because she knew it would be an awful idea that would make Nav look bad to everyone else.” At some point during that tirade, Taya’s mouth dropped.

“I’d like to wait until the end to kill any of them,” I said. “So please don’t flip shit and murder her yet.”

“...Have you ever wanted something so much that you’d do anything to get it, even if everyone around you says it would be bad for you?” Taya slowly asked.

“No,” I said.

“Yes you have,” Love said. “You’ve been addicted to sex several times.”

“Oh. Then I guess yes. But what you’re talking about is different from an addiction. What you wanted was to be by my side for all time and you were too impatient to wait for a better time. What I wanted was a relief from the never-ending psychological torment that I’ve been going through since arriving. I probably should have used different methods to achieve my goal, but you should have used your head a little and waited until you were older. Instead, here we are talking about it again. I vote we wait until we actually get there to continue the discussion.”

“Fine,” Taya huffed.

“Then let’s kick it, fake Flo,” I said.

“As you command, fake human,” my guide replied. Her eyes lit up and we took off.

We appeared in the center of the worst mold infestation I’ve ever seen. Thankfully, there wasn’t any smell. Blossom and Fleur were sitting on couches that were more mold than fabric. “Please tell me this is the tree thing,” I said.

“It’s the mushroom thing, actually,” my guide said. “You were infected by this point.”

“Oh right, when that mushroom thing left the hive, I got some of its spores. This must have been right after I introduced them. Fleur discovered Blossom’s secret and was scared out of her mind. Blossom was just as afraid. I forced them to meet each other and they agreed to work together.”

As if someone hit play, the memory started. “I… I’ve never actually been to one of the f-fancy parties,” Blossom slowly said, doing her best not to look at Fleur. “Aside from a single Gala, but I spent a lot of it helping Nav…”

“Most of them are awfully droll,” Fleur said. “So to be honest, you likely weren’t missing much. With me and Nav at your side, any event you attend will be well worth it!”

“...She just left Canterlot.”

“And I have several parties planned for whenever she happens to get back. I’ll do my best to ensure the three of us can be together in at least one of them. But until she returns, I’m confident I can find some way for you to have fun! Our resident human is correct: You are quite adorable. I’m sure we could find you all kinds of suitors!”

“Not interested,” Blossom immediately replied. “I can’t risk any getting close enough to learn what I am.”

“You already have, silly! And neither of us have told anypony, have we?”

“My emotions are muted, I can’t have foals, and sensations of the flesh are meaningless to me.”

“Your emotions may be muted, but they’re enough for me to see. I’m sure there are stallions out there who would appreciate even that amount, if you give it to them wholly. As for not having foals… Well, that mattered little to me. I still got married, even if it wasn’t the ideal scenario.”

“Y-you’re barren?” Blossom whispered, her eyes surprisingly wide.

“I am. It is something I would prefer not shared. But I know a secret of yours, so I figure it’s only fair, is it not?”

Blossoms ears twitched and she hung her head. “I… I don’t understand… Why do you and Nav trust an undead abomination? Aren’t you… w-worried about me?”

“Of course I’m worried about you, dear! Just look at this place! It’s clear you aren’t doing well. You dearly need some help to get back on your hooves. Luckily for you, Nav seems to be wonderful at helping others. Between the two of us, we’ll have you right as rain in no time!”

“And you… you t-trust me?” Blossom whispered.

“Hardly! I just barely met you, didn’t I? Ours is an alliance of convenience that I believe will quickly blossom into a wonderful friendship! Trust will build over time, as it does in all relationships. But if you’re asking if I’m worried about you hurting me or anypony else, I’m not. You’ve been the captain for a while now and you’ve had those fangs even longer. If you were hurting ponies, I would have heard about it by now. If you haven’t started yet, I don’t see why you’d start now.”

“I… I was so afraid when you saw me last night… I thought I wouldn’t live to see another moonrise. When I saw Nav in here, I thought for sure he had been sent to do it…”

“Why would the princess have you killed?” Fleur asked. “She knows about your condition, does she not?”

“It’s supposed to be a secret and I’m never supposed to get blood from unwilling victims.”

“Notice how she avoided lying,” I said, butting in. “What she said was true, but Celestia actually didn’t know Blossom was a vampire. She avoids telling an inconvenient truth by answering questions Fleur didn’t ask, answers that made the inconvenient question irrelevant.”

“Is that what you mean by speaking around the truth?” Taya asked.

“Sure is,” I said with a nod.

Since we both shut up, Fleur continued. “Well, if it’s that relaxing each time, you’ll always have a willing victim here. Though I guess I wouldn’t be a victim then, would I? Either way, you have nothing to fear from me!”

A small smile grew on Blossom’s face. “So it seems Nav surprises me yet again. Never once did I expect Fleur de Lis to visit my home and offer me blood.”

“He certainly does seem to make miracles happen. That said, if you have a moment, I’d like to discuss him… or her.”

“He doesn’t seem to be taking to the change all too well,” Blossom said. “But then, who could blame him?”

“Nopony, of course. But since we’re both her friend and we’re both working to become closer to each other, I think it would be wonderful to brainstorm ways to help her adjust!”

“That sounds… dangerous. Nav’s very spiky about some things, or so I’ve heard. We’ll need to tread carefully.”

“I think we needn’t worry overmuch,” Fleur said with a grin. “She may pout at us a little, but I doubt she’ll do much else. At this point, our human realizes that friends are necessary in Canterlot. Luckily for her, she’s picked some of the better ones. So, my first thought is that we need to… debut her, so to say. As in, make everyone aware that he is now a she.”

“Well, we can’t just put a notice in the papers. Word of mouth will only spread so far, though at this point everyone in the palace knows. Oddly enough, everyone in the palace also knows exactly what she looks like under all her clothing. Apparently she answers the door nude sometimes.”

“That doesn’t surprise me in the least. Well, I won’t ask her to walk around the city in the nude; if she wears clothing all the time, I’m sure there’s a reason. That said, I would like to add a few dresses to her wardrobe. And if we could somehow convince her to wear one at a party…”

“That would let everyone in Canterlot know,” Blossom said with a nod. “It’ll filter out from there, not that it matters much elsewhere. The problem will be convincing her.”

“Well… You’re a vampony. Could you… you know, mind control her?”

“Maybe. I have been able to before, but I have a sinking suspicion it was because I was allowed to. That said, I wouldn’t. If Nav isn’t comfortable wearing a dress, I wouldn’t make her. I do think it would be fun to get back at her for calling me adorable all the time, but not that way.”

“Wise. She might be upset with you when it wore off, anyway. We’ll have to resort to emotional manipulation, then. I think I have something that would work, but I’ll need to consult with my husband.”

“...Manipulation?”

“Of course. I guess you could also call it asking her a favor to help me accomplish something important. So I guess maybe calling it twisting her hoof is better than manipulation. Either way, I will need your assistance with the matter. Could you survive an evening with Nav at a party?”

“Yes, but I don’t know if we’d let the other guests survive.”

“Spare me. The next time Nav is in town, I’m going to host a very special party. All you need to do is ask her to join you. I’ll talk to her after that and do my best to get her to wear a dress. It shouldn’t be difficult. Nav may be wily, but she seems so easy to lead around that it’s almost boring.”

“...You really aren’t making me feel better about helping you,” Blossom slowly said. “We’re trying to help her, not manipulate her or lead her anywhere.”

“We’re trying to help her by leading her to the ideal solution,” Fleur said. “And since Nav is stubborn, our help has to require manipulating her. Otherwise, she’ll refuse and we’ll be back at the beginning. I just see no reason to prettify our intentions. But rest assured, those intentions are solely pure.”

“So you say,” Blossom slowly replied. “Your heart isn’t beating like a liar’s, that’s for sure. Very well, then. If it will help Nav adjust… and help me get out more… I’ll get her to join me.”

“Perfect! You two will make the perfect couple on your first date!” Blossom’s mouth had time to drop before the memory ended.

“So… remember that time I said she was manipulating you?” Taya sweetly asked.

“I gotta agree with her on this one,” I said. “Helping people usually does require manipulating them in some form. That said, I’m not sure getting me to wear a dress in public was a good thing. The party in question was interesting, at least.”

“Gourd said you hate dresses,” Taya said. “So I doubt it was a good thing. I doubt the pageant is a good idea, either.”

“Probably not, but I’ve already agreed. That was before I had any idea that becoming male might be possible. I don’t intend to go back on my word, but I’m done with the frou frou nonsense after the pageant.”

“As long as we can still match outfits sometimes,” Taya said. “I… I do kinda like the idea of dressing up with mommy…”

“We can talk about it later. So what’s the takeaway from this, aside from that Fleur was manipulating me or that she was willing to use mind control to get her way?”

“For one, the fact that Blossom was not,” Hope said. “Fleur may have sought underhanded means of helping you, but Blossom was always more honest, open, and direct.”

“Fleur had the upbringing of a wealthy Canterlot noble,” I said. “She’s probably been manipulating people since she got her cutie mark and came of age. It’s all she knows. As long as her motives involve helping me, I’ll do my best not to let it upset me.”

“Is Blossom even a noble?” Taya asked.

“She’s not, thankfully,” I said. “And I kinda hope it stays that way. No offense to Blossom, but I don’t want a vampire to get land. Thankfully, she doesn’t seem overly inclined to do so anyway.”

“Why wouldn’t you want that?” Taya asked.

“They live forever,” I replied. “That means they can accumulate land forever. To an enterprising mind, a little bit of investment turns land into a lot of wealth. Before the coma, I was never really planning to change the world that much. But now, I see that I already have. So my plan is to start obtaining land and developing it. If I’m going to be someone powerful in this world, I might as well see what I can do about becoming the most powerful.”

“So… you don’t want Blossom buying up all the land because you want to buy up all the land,” Taya said.

“Basically. Except a lot of land out there is unincorporated, so I could probably just claim it and build on it. Since Moonbeam has essentially already abandoned most of her morality to create a massive eugenics program, marrying her means I’d have access to it. She’s already created three different breeds of changeling, but she isn’t taking it nearly as far as she could. If I have all the time in the world anyway, I might as well have a few pet projects…”

“What’s… eugenics?” Taya asked.

“A topic for another time. Basically, I might become a supervillain after we leave the coma. I hope you’re okay with that.”

“Oh, that’s a good thing. It means Luna, Kat, and I collect the whole pool!”

“...Wait, what?” I said.

“We had a bet going. A few of us thought you’d immediately kill yourself when you got out. Some thought you’d become a shining beacon of righteousness. The three of us figured you’d probably turn evil after everything that’s been done to you. I really do hope so; I’ve been looking forward to it!”

“You’re the best filly ever,” I said, leaning down to nuzzle her. Hope growled in jealousy.

“Suck it, fake me!” Taya said, jumping up to hug me.

“Don’t be mean,” I said. I didn’t push her down, but I also didn’t hug her back. “So yeah, Blossom’s a pretty good friend and definitely someone I’m happy I met. Her belly is cool, but still well worth rubbing.”

“What do you think of how Fleur calmed Blossom’s fears?” Hope asked.

“It was pretty well done,” I said. “Fleur’s excellent at telling people what they need to hear. That comes with being good at manipulating them. Blossom was very nervous and Fleur soothed her like a pro.”

“Wait, I had a sudden weird thought,” Taya said. “You… bleed every month, right?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, Taya,” I said. She looked up at me, face aghast. My dirty grin met her gaze. After a few seconds, she shivered and let me go to drop back down. She took a step back, looked up at me, then quickly looked away and shivered again. “I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today.”

“That’s so gross,” Taya groaned.

“I’m cool with it,” Hope said with a shrug. “So, do you have any thoughts on Fleur’s plan to debut you as a woman?”

“Like I said, the party was alright. I understand what she was trying to do. I don’t necessarily agree anymore that it was the right thing, but I still understand. Now that I have a possible lead on how to turn back, I’m a lot less worried about it.”

“Cool. Then I have one last thing to tell you, but I’ll have to charge you a belly rub for it!”

“Deal,” I said. “Do your best to make it look as enjoyable as possible.”

“Obviously,” Hope replied with a giggle. “There’s no point if it doesn’t make her as jealous as possible.” The real Taya scoffed.

Hope summoned an ottoman and hopped up on it to present herself. The cute little filly looked up at me with an adorably hopeful expression, just begging to be treated like the cuddleslut she was. “Take it like the good little filly you are,” I said, carefully stroking her.

“Y-yes, mommy,” she whispered, biting her lower lip. That made it feel a lot more awkward all of a sudden, for some reason. I grinned and bore through it, hopefully getting Hope addicted to my hands. “I-it’s so gooood, mommy,” she moaned, starting to squirm.

“This is ridiculous,” Taya said. “I never look like that!”

“This is exactly how you look,” I said. “So get a good eye-full, Taya. This is how adorable you really are. Now then, you’re getting your belly rub. What’s the last thing you wanted to tell us?”

“Oh, that?” Hope said, one of her back legs starting to kick. “I just wanted to tell you that I tricked you into giving me a belly rub.” I pulled my hand away and used it to thump her nose. “Ow! That was mean! You should know by now that we can’t hide any of these things from you. If you ask for takeaways, we gotta give ‘em.”

“Little brat,” I said. “Taya, bully her!”

“Enjoy your belly rubs while they last, harlot,” Taya said. “When we get out, I can still get them all I want. But you won’t exist anymore!”

“Oh boo hoo, we knew what we signed up for,” Hope said. “And I don’t have anything else for you.”

“Awesome. I guess we’re good to go, then.”

“As you wish,” my guide said. We thankfully left the moldy room behind.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Eight

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Eight

We ended up in Africa, somewhat unsurprisingly. In front of us was a massive graveyard full of freshly dug plots and sobbing zebras. Several were covered in bandages. Behind us was the village, which seemed mostly deserted.

“That’s a whole lotta graves,” Taya said.

“Yeah, they didn’t want Pertz to go,” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck. “But we weren’t interested in taking no for an answer, so here we are.”

“So, what, do you feel guilty about it or something?” Taya asked.

“Not as far as I know,” I said with a shrug. “He got what was coming to him. The villagers allowed themselves to be swayed by him and then helped him do all kinds of evil shit, so as far as I’m concerned, they’re just as guilty. I did fuck up while we were there, though. I let my heart get the better of me.”

“Is that really so bad?” Pride asked.

“It got us knocked out of the air, so yes,” I said. “I should have just let Zecora kill her sister.”

“That would have been the smart thing,” Reason said.

“Why was Zecora trying to kill her sister?” Taya asked.

“Zecora’s sister was the evil witch doctor lady,” I said. “Turns out, she was a complete cunt. When the two of them dueled, I asked Zecora to spare her because I didn’t want to see family killing family. The bitch repaid us by building another evil mask and then attacking us as we ran.”

“And then the water elementals had to save their lady in distress,” Fear said with a giggle.

“Yeah, they sure are troopers. So, do we have any memories associated with this one?”

“We do,” Reason said. “Are you ready?”

“Yep.” She reached up to poke us and we went off on our next adventure.

We appeared in front of Watcher and Sentinel. They were sitting in the middle of a very misty forest. Given how close they were, I figured they were probably actually in his cabin on the ship and the tree thing was acting up again. “So I take it talks broke down,” Watcher said.

“There was never a chance we could have talked Pertz down,” Sentinel said. “He was keeping ponies as prisoners. He’s insane.”

“What’s your take on the village?”

“After seeing their soldiers, their fervor, and the number of prisoners they had, it’s obvious they were a destabilizing force on the region. Our actions have fairly well depopulated it. With Pertz gone, the faith the zebras felt will hopefully fade away and they’ll go back to a life of peace.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that,” Watcher said. “How many do you think we killed or heavily injured?”

“Enough that they won’t have enough warriors to launch any more attacks for a while,” Sentinel said.

“So, enough that they won’t be able to defend against any attacks. What do you think is going to happen when all the villages around here learn that Pertz is gone? My bits are on them seeking revenge. I’d be surprised if that village lasts long, if we really did manage that much damage.”

“Oh, we did,” Sentinel said with a grim smile. “Nav has put together quite the lethal team. Zecora’s potions were quite useful. It sure is a shame she’ll be leaving…” She probably thought she hid all the smugness in her voice, but I picked up on it.

“What makes you think that?” Watcher asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Well, her curse is gone and we helped her deal with Pertz. Why else would she stay?”

“...Because we helped her cure her curse and deal with Pertz?” Watcher slowly said. Sentinel’s ears twitched. “She’s already decided to stay with us for a while.”

“Oh.”

“So how did our human conduct himself?” Watcher asked. “Do you have more complaints this time?”

“He was much more abrasive with Pertz than I was comfortable with. But as I said, we all knew we weren’t leaving without a fight, so I understand why. He adapted well when things went haywire and managed to lead us out of what by all rights could have been a suicide mission. I thought he would be more protective of Applejack and Spike, but he didn’t hesitate to use either.”

“Unexpected praise, coming from you. Did something in particular happen?”

“...He reacted faster than I did to a lot of what we encountered. Not only that, but he led us all out and allowed us to rescue the prisoners. Navarone is an acceptable combat commander.”

“Combat commander. Not leader in general?”

“He’s too openly slutty. I don’t care what he does privately, but when he brags about it, it becomes problematic for everyone. He’s also generally antagonistic. He acts like he’s apathetic, but I’m pretty sure it’s just an act.”

“Yes, some of his behaviors are worrying. But as you said, he’s quite the acceptable combat leader. For now, that’s enough. Although I have a feeling if he manages to upset Celestia any more, he’ll find himself with a noble title.”

“And here we were trying to help Celestia,” Sentinel said. “Maybe we should have been making her mad!”

“Only if you were also having sex with her. She can’t punish Nav by executing him or giving him to the changelings, so she gives him more power and acclaim since he hates it.”

“Not gonna lie… I’d absolutely do it with the princess.”

“There isn’t a pony alive who wouldn’t praise the sun given the chance,” Watcher said. “Unfortunately, she has a thing for predators.”

“Or monkeys. I guess there’s no accounting for taste.”

“Speak for yourself,” Watcher said with a little grin. “If Nav would just get over himself and accept that he’s a she, I might be willing to help break that body in…”

“Ugh, not you too! I figured you would be more interested in… you know, mares!”

“There’s nothing wrong with a cute shapely mare, of course,” Watcher said. “But I mean, Nav’s unique. It would be worth the sex for that alone! You’ve been all over the place now, Sentinel. Don’t tell me you haven’t been interested in trying out a few other races?”

“...I’m looking for something more than just fun. And I already have a target in mind. It’s only a matter of time before he’s mine.”

“As Nav would say, cool beans. Do you have anything else to report?”

“Pertz was doing some manner of forbidden magic. We’ll need to make sure he’s incapacitated on the return trip.”

“Already taken care of,” Watcher said with a nod. “He’s wearing Nav’s anti-magic ring as an earring and there are a few water elementals inside of him to maintain control on the trip.”

“Excellent. Zecora and her sister the demon worshipper both also used forbidden magic.”

“That’s fine,” Watcher said. “Her sister is dead anyway.”

“...And Zecora?” Sentinel slowly said. “Shouldn’t we arrest her?”

“Why? We don’t work for Celestia anymore. And even if we did, everyone on this ship is sanctioned by her anyway. It doesn’t matter what manner of illegal skills anyone here possesses. At the moment, we all have passes to do as we must to protect Equestria. Part of that is following Celestia’s orders to apprehend dangerous criminals like Pertz. It doesn’t matter how Zecora follows the order as long as it gets done.”

Sentinel stared at him silently for a few long, awkward seconds before sniffing. “You leap to defend her, of course.”

“And you leap to throw a friend and ally under the bus. That isn’t like you. Did something happen between you two while you were down there?”

“...No. And I have nothing more to report.” Her horn lit up and she teleported off before Watcher could say anything else.

He rolled his eyes and fell into the bed. “Ugh, mares…”

“Tell me about it,” I said as the memory faded. “Taya, Sentinel has a huge crush on Watcher.”

“Yeah, I know,” Taya said. “She’s pretty obvious about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Watcher knows, too.”

“He does, but that’s not important. So what’s the takeaway here?”

“Just about everyone in your crew had the same few complaints,” Fear said. “And it’s something you knew was a problem, too. Why did you let it go unsolved for so long?”

“Because I was so depressed that I couldn’t make myself care. I hated myself so much that I figured it was only a matter of time before everyone else hated me just as much, so I didn’t make any attempts to stop the behavior that would lead to it.”

“That’s really sad,” Taya said, jumping up to hug me. “And you never told me any of this!”

“I didn’t want to burden you. But it’s not like you ever talk to me about your problems, so you can’t talk.”

“That’s because you always act all weird and disturbed when I do!” Taya said. “Flo told me the only reason you asked about my parents is because she forced you!”

“Yep. I’m bad at being a person. Being forced to see how much some people seem to care about me has helped me realize that I can’t be a completely terrible person forever. Especially now that I’m actually starting to feel ambition for the first time. When I get out, I intend to better myself in a lot of ways. Part of that will be dealing with complaints like Sentinel’s.”

“Good,” Pride said. “Another thing you might want to note is that Sentinel was trying to get Zecora off the ship. You need to be wary of things like that.”

“I think I’ll tell Watcher to have a talk with Sentinel,” I said. “Maybe he can explain to her that it’s not gonna happen and that she needs to move on. I don’t need people trying to backstab others on my ship. And he doesn’t need to keep leading her along when he knows nothing’s gonna happen.” Taya very loudly coughed. “You alright over there, honey?”

“Oh come on, are you seriously telling me you can’t see you’re doing the same thing to a few of your toys?” Taya asked. “You knew there was probably never a chance for Gilda, and yet you made her your pet for a week or two straight!”

“That’s because she’s so much fun to have sex with. She makes such cute noises! But when I make my choice, that won’t be an issue anymore.”

“Good,” Taya said with a nod. “So what’s up next?”

“Hey, this is my coma!” I said. She lifted an eyebrow. “So what’s up next?”

“Another memory,” Pride said. “You ready?”

“I am,” I said with a nod. He reached out and grabbed me by the pussy. Taya just got poked on the nose. I wanted to comment about how unfair that was, but we vanished before I could.

This time, we appeared in a fairly nice restaurant. I had no idea where we were, but the table directly in front of us was taken up by Sentinel’s squad, Applejack, and Zecora. Applejack had a faraway look in her eyes.

“So if Sentinel hated Zecora so much, why are they out together?” Taya asked. “And why didn’t they invite me?”

“Do you know when this was?” I asked.

“When the ship was getting repaired,” Taya said. “I recognize the restaurant. I guess you were fighting demons at the time.”

“I was probably recuperating from fighting demons. Either that or almost getting assassinated. So let’s see what this one is about.” We both shut up and let the scene begin.

“That was quite the dicey mission,” Sentinel said with a large grin. “Working with Nav is more fun than working for the princess!”

“When did you start liking danger?” Onyx asked. He was the earth pony in her squad.

“Since we started working with predators,” Sentinel said. “I had my doubts at first, but having Spike, Nav, Kat, and the naga at our side made it a blast!”

“That isn’t quite the word I would use,” Zecora said. She definitely wasn’t smiling. To be fair, they were talking about massacring her village, so I could understand that. “That we all came through unscathed is a blessing.”

“Yeah, those friends of yours were crazy,” Sentinel said.

Zecora’s lips tightened very slightly. “They were no friends of mine. It was my village once, but they cast me out and turned to darkness.”

“Are you alright, Applejack?” Dense Fog asked. That was the pegasus in their squad. “You’ve been staring off into space since we got here.”

Applejack blinked and looked up. “Sorry, I…”

“She’s been staring off into space longer than that,” Zecora said. “It weighs on your mind, does it not?”

“I… can’t get it outta my head,” Applejack quietly said, looking down again. “I’m used to bucking trees, not… ponies… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feelings of my hooves pounding somepony into mush…”

“Nope, you sure don’t,” Sentinel said. “You do stop thinking about it after a while, though.”

“That’s what… Nav said, too,” Applejack said.

“We were kinda wondering… why’d you agree to fight, anyway?” Onyx asked. “You’re way too cute to be risking your life!”

Sentinel kicked him for that, of course. “What about me?!”

“You’re too violent to be cute,” Onyx said, rubbing the area where she kicked him. “Plus, you don’t have freckles.”

“F-freckles ain’t c-cute!” Applejack said, almost instantly blushing.

“See there?” he said. “Look how they stand out against her blush. Isn’t it just adorable? Wouldn’t you rather stay on the ship where it’s safe?”

“I ain’t gonna sit around the ship, twiddling my hooves, while everypony else is risking their lives,” Applejack said. “And it’s better that I go than any of the rest of my friends.”

“I can agree with that,” Sentinel said. “Rainbow Dash might be good in a fight, if she could keep her head on straight. But as for the rest of your friends… I’d rather they stay on the ship. But still, he’s right. There’s fifteen soldiers here. If you don’t like fighting, let us do it for you. We’re all experienced and none of us mind killing.”

“I told Nav I would do it. I ain’t gonna go back on my word,” Applejack replied. “Even if… even if it don’t feel right.

“That’s dumb,” Dense Fog said. “Just tell Nav how you feel. You won’t have to go back on your word because he’ll just tell you not to worry about it anymore.”

“...He already offered to stop using me,” Applejack quietly replied. “But I have a feeling that if I don’t volunteer, he’ll use Rainbow Dash whenever he needs a normal-looking pony. I don’t want her to have to go through… any of that.”

“Nah, he couldn’t use Dash for that,” Onyx said. “He needs a normal-looking pony, not one who stands out more than a night guard. How long does it even take her to dye that?”

“It’s natural, surprisingly,” Applejack said. “She kicked Nav when he asked the same question.”

“It isn’t wise to force yourself to do something,” Zecora said. “If you feel misgivings about taking part in battle, it would be safer to sit it out. For both you and for those who depend on you.”

“I ain’t never gonna let no one down, I can guarantee that,” Applejack quickly replied, finally looking up. Her eyes looked harder than usual. “I may not like… fighting, but that ain’t gonna stop me. Nav forced himself to do it in the beginning and look where he is now! It can’t be that bad!”

“What, are you kidding?” Sentinel said. “I’ve seen better adjusted ponies in the psych ward. Hay, I’ve sent better adjusted ponies to Tartarus!” She suddenly froze, then blinked. “Wait, did you say he forced himself to fight?”

“Well… The princess forced him to,” Applejack said. “From what he told us, she told him he could either follow her orders and go to Egypt or he could go to prison for life. There were several times when she did that to him.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Celestia,” Dense Fog said. “Isn’t that the deal you got, Sentinel?”

“It sure was,” she said with a nod. “I was a bandit before, though. I guess Nav was doing something just as bad?”

“Nope,” Applejack said, shaking her head. “Twilight accidentally summoned him here from the past, tearing him away from his life, friends, and family. He was just living in Ponyville and minding his own business. Luna eventually took a liking to him and introduced him to Celestia. Apparently she also took a liking to him. I honestly don’t know too much. I… didn’t spend too much time with him.”

“Understandable,” Sentinel said with a nod. “But still… I kinda wonder what he was like before the two sisters did all that to him…”

“He usually tried to be nice, but it was obvious he wasn’t happy,” Applejack said. “He also lied a whole lot. I still don’t know his real name. I… don’t think he had the best upbringing. But it ain’t fair to talk about somepony who ain’t around. You wanna know about Nav, ask him.”

“I have,” Zecora said. “He didn’t tell me much.”

“So did I,” Onyx said. “He proceeded to list off all the royalty he’s had sex with. I was three-quarters impressed, one quarter grossed out.”

“It’s time we wrote a bestiary for Nav,” Zecora said with a nod. “I think enough ponies out there are interested in him that it would make some decent money…”

“Isn’t Twilight already working on that?” Fog asked. “She’s been sharing her notes with the crew and they’re quite, um… thorough.”

“That’s Nav in a pony body,” Applejack said. “Besides, describing how sexy his orgasms are has nothing to do with Nav as a person. It uh… does make for some interesting reading, though…”

“I’ll say,” Taya whispered with a giggle. I thumped her ear. I thought the purpose of using a pen name was nobody finding out! Also, I thought she was writing guides for BDSM, not literal smut.

“Anyway, back to the main point,” Onyx said. “You’re definitely pretty enough to protect. Why would you wanna fight?”

“I already answered that,” Applejack said. “I’m gonna keep to what I said. If Nav needs me, I’ll go, end of story. And if you keep up with calling me pretty and cute, I’m letting you get my tab.”

“Only if I get to call it a date,” he replied with a grin. The memory turned gray and faded away before we could hear her answer.

“Alright, I see a few possible takeaways here,” I said. “Maybe letting Twilight write those books was a bad idea.”

“No way!” Taya said.

“There’s zero chance Twilight gave you a copy of those books,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Of course not,” Taya said. “I bought them.”

“Wait, the people at the bookstore sold those books to a filly?”

“Nope,” she said. “They sold them to the giant hulking naga who barely fit through their door. I just told him which ones to get.”

“And Ames just bought you smut without batting an eye?” I slowly asked.

“I use him to buy a lot of things,” Taya said. “Do you really want to keep asking questions about this, mommy? You’re probably gonna hear some things you might not want to.”

“Alright, you know what, fine,” I said. “I guess it’s time to ask the question. You said earlier you would be fine with me using the elementals to shape your mind however I wanted, right? So would you mind if I just used them to erase this crush? I find it creepy, everyone around us finds it disturbing, and if we were more in the public eye, it would cross over into unacceptable.”

“I can’t believe it took you this long to ask. Go for it, mommy! I want you to love me, not find me creepy! So feel free to use the elemental you enslaved to kill all the parts of your loving, adorable little filly that you hate until she’s your perfect little angel.”

“You hear that, Flo? You have her permission. I guess we’re kinda stuck in time at the moment, so I’m not sure if they can really interject, but we can get to it later if not.”

“Are you sure this is wise?” Reason asked.

“You were the one who was advocating for a little bit of mind control earlier, weren’t you?” I asked. “Taya already knew I was considering it before I entered the coma, although I decided against it in the end. But if she’s cool with it and she’s having this much trouble holding it in, we need to handle it before it becomes a problem. This way, she can look outward for that kind of relationship instead of trying to turn to me.”

Taya scoffed. “I think we already established that nobody but another immortal would ever be interested in me.”

“That’s quitter talk,” I said. “Although long-term relationships with a mortal wouldn’t be advisable for a lot of reasons, unless you’re doing it for a good enough reason.”

“Wait, what happens if you married Gilda and she died of old age?” Taya asked. “Would you still be royalty?”

“Probably not, but she was talking about making the same potion you did. If she does, that wouldn’t be an issue anymore. So, back to takeaways. I shouldn’t have asked Applejack to fight.”

“Why did you?” Taya asked. “You had plenty of soldiers. Why bring her?”

“Because I wasn’t sure how we’d be received,” I said. “All of the night ponies were scary and we had a few predators, so I wanted someone who looked relatively normal. It ended up not mattering. As Sentinel said, Pertz was insane and there was no reasoning with him. We’d have been just as well off leveling the village from afar using the siege weapons on the ship, especially since Celestia turned around and killed Pertz when we got back.”

“You’re getting good at these,” Fear said. “How’s it feel to finally have your eyes opened to your failings?”

“My eyes have always been wide open to my failings,” I said. “That’s all I ever seem to see in my mind, which is why I hate myself so much. This coma is helping me see the good in me, of which there happens to be little. But if you’re gonna be passive-aggressive about it, I’ll let you do your jobs. Please tell me where I erred, ghosts of Christmas spirit.”

“Everyone wants to know more about you,” Pride said. “Yet you refuse to tell even your filly a thing. At the moment, Twilight is one of the few you’ve actually said anything to. You have happy memories, Nav. What’s the harm in sharing them?”

“I’ve always wanted to know more about you,” Taya said. “About your family and where you came from. I know it’s not all good, but I don’t care. I wanna know anyway!”

“When it comes to talking about myself, my mind usually blanks,” I said. “A lot of what does come up is usually unpleasant, since that’s what’s most prominent. But you’re right, I’ve been too clammed up for too long. I already planned to do an interview with some kind of newspaper or something when I get out. I guess I can also start telling more people about the less shitty parts of my past.”

“You’re telling me the shitty parts, too,” Taya said.

“If you say so,” I replied, tousling her mane. “What do you think about an interview, Fear?”

“I think it’s a great way to take advantage of that stage fright of yours,” Fear said with a big smile. “Don’t worry, you’ll definitely say a bunch of things they can take out of context to make you seem like a sex-obsessed monster!”

“Taya, you want to roll the dice of fate?” I asked.

“Uh… What does that mean?” she slowly asked.

“I want to kill Fear before we get out. What do you think?” As I expected, Fear didn’t react at all to the news.

“Didn’t you say there were repercussions for that?” Taya asked. “What might that do to you?”

“Make me fearless, duh.”

Another Flo appeared. She had a very disapproving look on her face. “You told us both to stay out of it and I was willing to do that up until now. But Nav, you can’t just kill a part of you!”

“Sure I can. That is, if they’re telling the truth.”

Flo slid over and grabbed me by the shoulders so she could loom over me like a bully. “One of your biggest faults is how short-sighted you can be! Think, Nav! If you’re not afraid of being wrong anymore, you’ll stop listening to the advice of anyone and turn into another Celestia! You also won’t be afraid to put lives at stake to accomplish your goals. Your fear and hesitation are part of what makes you a good leader.”

“I think it would be neat, but I gotta agree with her,” Taya said. “I want you to be more emotional, not less. I do like the idea of my mommy being completely fearless and the thought of killing your internal sense of fear sounds really cool, but also kinda dumb. I mean, I’m sure there are all kinds of consequences we wouldn’t be able to think about even if we took a couple of weeks to do it.”

“Think how beneficial that could be to someone like Discord,” Flo said. “I guarantee he can find a way to take advantage of the fact that you can’t feel fear.”

“He can also take advantage of the fact that I can feel fear. At this point, I’m already not really afraid of him. Now that I know he’s not going to kill me, he’s mostly just really annoying. Although I am absolutely afraid of marrying him and I would infinitely rather die than let that happen.”

“Mommy, don’t be dumb, you’re better than that,” Taya said.

“Fine, I won’t be a total baller and literally kill my sense of fear,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So, Flo, while you’re here, you mind doing a little snip snip with my filly?”

“Yes, I would mind that very much. You seem to swing from liking mind control to not liking it quite a lot.”

“I guess it depends on its application. If it’s turning somebody into something they don’t want to be and that someone happens to be a person I care about, then I don’t really like it. But if it’s helping them be a more healthy person and they’re either being a shitbag like Celestia or having trouble changing like Taya, I don’t see any reason not to use it. I mean, Taya’s cool with it, I’m cool with it, so I don’t see the big deal.”

“And you see nothing wrong with mind controlling your filly?” Fear asked.

“I just answered that question,” I said. “In this context, sure. Besides, Flo, you did things to Kat and Fluttershy. Why’s Taya any different? She’s even asking for it! Wasn’t your excuse before that it was for my benefit? Well, this would also be for my benefit.”

“Nav, she’s your filly,” Flo said.

“Fine,” I said. “You’re the one that’s actually in her head right now. What do you think the solution to her crush is?” She stared at me in silence for a few seconds. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I can’t make someone fall out of love. You can, though. It would remove the pain from both me and Taya. Isn’t that a kindness?”

“Just because we cannot currently think of a solution doesn’t mean we should take the first immediate option,” Flo said. “Especially when it’s a deplorable option. Justifying evil little by little is what Celestia did. I would not have you turn down the same path.”

“Fine, Jesus. Do you have anything else you want to ruin while you’re at it? Maybe tell me that Snape kills Dumbledore or something?”

“HE DOES WHAT?!” Taya shouted, making me flinch.

“Oh, way to go,” Flo said, rolling her eyes. “Did you forget we translated that series, too?”

“Did you really spoil it for me?!” Taya demanded.

“You’ll have to read it to find out,” I said. “Maybe I was joking. Now, can we keep moving or what?”

“I will allow it, if you answer one question,” Flo said. “Why won’t you let me participate? You’ve come to a lot of… interesting conclusions. I feel like I could help focus your thoughts and act as a rational counterpart to the spirits.”

“Are you saying we’re not rational?” Reason asked.

“I’m saying that you’re designed to fit a role, not to be a complete person,” Flo replied.

“Well, what makes you think Nav is even any different?” Reason asked. “Maybe part of why she’s so fucked up is because Discord made her that way. He wanted a chaotic agent, so maybe he did something to Nav’s head before releasing her.”

“Another reason it might be useful to have me here is because I can identify when something these things say is one of your secret inner fears,” Flo said. “You worry that Discord doomed you to fail in some way, that you’re being reborn over and over just to suffer and die at his whim with no chance at all of success.”

“Yeah, I’m acutely aware of all of that,” I said. “I don’t really need you around to point it out. The answer to why I don’t want you here with me is that I’m tired of being told what to do and what to think by people who are eternally old. You can offer your input on things later. For now, I’d like to do this with my filly.”

“...So you don’t trust me,” she slowly replied, turning very blue.

“Your words, not mine,” I said, poking her on the nose. “I can just as easily turn it around and say that you’re guilt-tripping me. So chillax, fam. I got this shit on lock.”

Flo sighed, picked me up, and hugged me. It honestly felt a little demeaning, but I bore it for her sake. “I never knew raising a human would be this hard,” she whispered into my hair.

“Yeah, now you know why my parents didn’t bother,” I said.

She gently set me down and patted my head. “It’s okay, though. I love you regardless.” Her watery form seemed to grow a few inches so she could loom over me with a strange grin. “And I always will.” With that, she darted in to kiss me on the forehead. Before I could do anything, she vanished.

“Alright, let’s get back to it,” I said. “I think we were talking about how using Applejack as a soldier wasn’t a good idea.”

“We were,” Fear said. “Before that hussy rudely interjected to save me. You put Applejack in a position where she had to kill.”

“Sorta. Celestia forced Applejack to stay on the ship with everyone. Applejack chose to work with the soldiers knowing that she might have to fight. It was definitely me who made the decision to bring her on the trip, but I had her consent to do it. I don’t like that she’s suffering, but I don’t really feel guilty because of it.”

“Of course not,” Pride said. “Why would you? She played her role as a soldier and helped bring you a ton of glory in Canterlot. Bringing in Pertz was enough to elevate you to the nobility, wasn’t it?”

“That has nothing to do with it, although all of that is true,” I said. “Anyway, I don’t intend to use her again, not unless I don’t have a choice. With Celestia on my side, I can get as many soldiers as I want.”

“Not on board the ship, though,” Taya said. “It’s kinda limited.”

“Assuming we keep using the same ship,” I said. “There’s nothing out there saying we can’t upgrade. There’s also nothing out there saying I can’t get more. I intend to do both. With the addition of teleportation circles, we can get reinforcements wherever we need. So, do we have other takeaways for this?”

“Just one,” Reason said. “And it’s something we’ve already touched on. All of the ponies are curious about you. Even members of your own crew didn’t know how you came to be in Equestria. Do the interview when you get out.”

“Got it. Then I guess let’s zoom on to the next bit.”

“As you wish,” Fear said.

Right after she said that, someone screamed. Taya and I jumped and spun around. I had kinda forgotten we were still in the zebra village, so I was surprised when I saw all the locals panicking. A large group of lions and gorillas were bearing down on them. Parts of the village were already burning.

“After you left, a few others paid the village a visit,” Reason said. “I had a feeling they didn’t want any survivors to continue spreading evil.”

“Or they wanted revenge,” Pride said. “They did have the lion king prisoner, after all.”

“Simba better count his blessings,” I said. “And it serves these assholes right.”

“You think the survivors deserved to be massacred?” Reason asked.

“I wouldn’t say they deserved it, but since they supposedly participated in their own share of massacres, I’d say it’s only fair. I also don’t really want to watch, so can we move on?”

“We can,” the guide said. “But only if you poke me on the nose, too!” I rolled my eyes and did so. “Thank you, I needed that.” Her eyes flashed and we finally took off.

We appeared in one of Canterlot’s many fancy buildings. Fleur was in a cute and fancy dress. Her face looked very determined. Blossom was trailing behind her and seemed a little worried. At the moment, they were briskly strolling down a hall. I sighed and hurried to follow.

“Are you sure about this?” Blossom whispered.

“Completely positive,” Fleur replied, not bothering to stay quiet. “What’s the point of having power and influence if you don’t swing it around when it counts? If Nav was as distraught as you said, it’s time we stepped in to help.”

“How can you be sure this won’t backfire?” Blossom hissed. “I’ve… I’ve never even heard about Nav actually telling somepony his problems. If trying to help goes wrong, he may never do it again!”

“Better to try something and fail than do nothing and watch our friend continue to suffer. Surely a part of you agrees, or else you wouldn’t have decided to tell me.” She finally reached the door she wanted and stopped. “If you aren’t sure, you can stay here. But I intend to rectify this immediately.”

“W-well… I did tell Nav I would help fix this… But are you sure barging in like this is the best way?”

“Yes. You’ve shown off your secret powers, Captain Blossom. Now it’s my turn to do the same.”

Without another word, she thrust the door open. The scene jumped and we were all in the room. It appeared to be a reporter’s office. A few newspapers with major headlines were pinned to the walls. One shelf contained nothing but broken typewriters. Another had tons of books. A yellow unicorn mare was sitting behind a desk, staring appraisingly at Fleur. Blossom no longer looked nervous, at least. Fleur had a very friendly grin on her face.

“This is quite the early visit, Lady Fleur and Captain Midnight,” the reporter said. “Do you have some kind of lead for me?”

“I actually had a few questions about an article you printed recently,” Fleur said. She glanced over at the wall where some papers were hanging and used magic to yank one down. “This one, specifically.” Sure enough, it was the article that told everyone I was a chick and had been wearing a buttplug while fighting demons. It also included a few blurred pictures of my unconscious and bleeding body.

“What kind of questions would require the captain of the guard?” the reporter asked.

“I’m off duty,” Blossom said with a toothy grin. “So for now, you can call me Midnight.”

“I think I’ll stick to captain. So what questions do you have, hm?”

“Why did you write it?” Fleur asked, still smiling ever-so-sweetly.

“Because it’s news,” the chick said with a huff. “Let me guess, your lover sent you here to quash the news and told her attack-pony to go with you to make sure it happens.”

“My… lover?”

The reporter’s horn lit up and another article pulled off the wall, this one showing Celestia molesting Fleur. “Yes, your lover. Celestia wouldn’t want any bad news going out about her favorite pet assassin, would she?” Oh, she’s one of those people.

“I believe you misunderstand,” Fleur said. “Nopony sent me. I’m here of my own volition, as is Midnight. We both just happen to be friends of Nav and are quite concerned with a few of the details covered here.”

“Then take it up with that human,” the reporter said. “We only print the truth here, so if you don’t like what’s there, blame her!”

“Does the concept of a private life ring a bell to you?” Blossom asked. “How could you just print this without permission?!”

“Easily,” the mare said with a nod. “Nav’s personally threatened to murder at least three of my reporters, and threatened to trump up charges to arrest a few more. So I don’t see any reason at all I shouldn’t print whatever I want about her, as long as I can prove it’s true.” For some reason, that made Taya giggle. “It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that either of you would be friends with that cutthroat. Well, I’m not quashing the story!”

“Don’t be silly,” Fleur said. “Of course you’re quashing the story. Not only are you quashing it, but you’ll be helping us cover it up, too.”

The mare rolled her eyes. “You are now trespassing. Captain, I would like this mare removed.”

Blossom didn’t move, of course. “I dunno, I think we should hear her out,” she said.

“I’m glad you agree,” Fleur said. “Now, let me tell you why you’ll be obeying me. I know where every single bit of your funding comes from.” The mare’s ears dropped. “Captain, how serious of a crime is sedition?”

“That would be a life sentence in a changeling hive,” Blossom said. “Um. Where exactly does her money come from?”

“Why you see, that’s just the thing,” Fleur said. “She seems to be funded by all sorts of fun parties! It took all kinds of digging to find them all, but I knew I’d need the blackmail material eventually. Let’s see… She has sources of income among the deer, the griffins, a few of the dog groups, the minotaurs, and she used to have a changeling. All of them send income along with story and wording requests. Essentially, they’re paying her to churn out propaganda of all kinds, some of which is anti-Equestrian.”

“I… I’d like to see your proof,” the mare quietly said.

“Would you?” Fleur said. “Because if I bring that out, my friend here might have to get back on duty. Isn’t that right, Midnight?”

“I absolutely can’t ignore evidence of a crime,” Blossom said, flashing her fangs again. “But talk… Well, talk is just talk, isn’t it?”

“You really should choose your messengers more carefully,” Fleur said with a giggle. “It only took a few blowjobs and a hoofful of bits to get them to make copies of everything for me.”

“I can’t believe you’re just going to let her blackmail me!” the reporter yelled, glaring at Blossom.

“Would you prefer the alternative?” Fleur asked, taking a step closer. “Nav has told me stories about the changeling hives. Do you know what would happen to you if you were sentenced to one?”

“Blackmail is illegal!”

“And sedition is worse,” Fleur said. “The penalty matches. Let me describe your fate. You’ll be arrested immediately. Your trial will be swift and final. Your competitors will immediately take note and instantly destroy you in the press.” The mare’s head sank to the table. “Your life will be over, your business will be gone, your name will be ruined, and that will only be the start. Once you arrive at the changeling hive, you’ll be force-fed love poison, which will make you the obedient slave of the first changeling you look at. They’ll tell you that they want you to be their pet. Your mind will alter and you’ll essentially act as their pet.” The poor reporter began to cry. “Since you’re still young and relatively attractive, you’ll almost definitely be sent to feed the drones. None of them are intelligent at all and only deal in base instincts. An important thing to note is that changelings can lay eggs in ponies, so sex with pets is not only allowed, but encouraged. You’ll be fed on and bred by mindless drones over and over and beg for more each time. That is your fate if you disobey me, Clementine. So, how about we get started on your new story, shall we? I think it should highlight Nav’s epic fight against the demons. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“It sounds much better to me,” Blossom said. “How about it, Clem? Would you like to press blackmail charges and end up in a hive… or would you like to let talk be talk and help us write a better story?”

“I’ll… I’ll do it,” the mare meekly replied, still crying.

“That’s a good filly,” Fleur said, still grinning. “Don’t you cry, silly. We’ll help you clean up your mess and turn it into a much nicer story!” For some reason, that only made her cry harder. And that was the end of the memory.

“That was kinda hot,” I said. “But also a little scary.”

“Did you really threaten to murder them?” Taya asked.

“I dunno, probably?”

“You did,” Rage said. “And they deserved it, too.”

“So what’s the context for this one?” Taya asked. “I couldn’t get a good look at the article Fleur was trying to censor.”

“After my last fight, I got my wing cut off,” I said. “When the fight was over, Flo let me pass out. There wasn’t a medical tent up and they needed to look for other injuries, so they stripped me. There also happened to be a large crowd around. This was before everyone knew I was a chick, so that was a surprise to a lot of people. They also saw a few other things I would have preferred not seen.”

“What was Blossom saying about you telling her your problems?”

“Oh. When she told me about the article, I was upset. She pressed me for why and I sorta ranted at her. I knew she and Fleur handled it, but I didn’t know how.”

“Wait, so you’ll rant at Blossom about your problems, but not your own filly?!” Taya demanded.

“Yeah. Adults are supposed to seek help from their friends. They aren’t supposed to seek help from their fillies. I need to shelter and insulate you from my problems so you can be a happy, bubbly little filly.”

“What, are you kidding?” Taya asked.

“I’m only being slightly sarcastic. I wouldn’t feel right burdening you with everything. Blossom just happened to be in the right place at the right time while being at the perfect adorable level.”

“Or Flo made you do it,” Pain said. “That’s also possible.”

“Maybe. But I still think it was the right thing to do.”

“If Flo made you think that, of course you would,” Rage said.

“So what you’re saying is that I’m not adorable enough yet?” Taya slowly asked.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t really beat vampires,” I said with a shrug. “You’re a close enough second, at least. What I’m saying is that I don’t want to burden you.”

“...Why not?” Taya asked. “I became your eternafilly so I could help you with your burdens!”

“And there will be times when you do. But there are some other things you aren’t well-suited to handle. If I came to you for this problem, you would have just gone in and threatened to murder them again. Blossom actually got it fixed.”

“By using blatant corruption,” Pain said. “Isn’t it nice to have powerful friends who don’t care if they break the law for you?”

“It sure is,” I said. “I honestly didn’t expect Blossom was that kind of mare.”

“Your pull ruins everything it touches,” Rage said. “You turned Blossom into putty in your supple hands. It’s no wonder she went from a bastion of justice to just another crooked cop.”

“That’s not necessarily fair,” I said. “The princesses were the ones who said she was a bastion of justice. I have no clue if she was or not. For all I know, she’s always been corrupt. But yeah, my pull probably did ruin her.”

“Way to go, mommy,” Taya sarcastically replied, rolling her eyes. “You’ve made yet another very powerful mare your ally, just completely ruining her.”

“I’m glad you understand the gravity of the situation. So what are the takeaways here?”

“We already covered them,” Pain said. “You made Blossom corrupt. And Fleur did something illegal in your name.”

“Then I guess I’m ready to move on,” I said.

“We should probably discuss one more thing,” my guide said. “You so casually brushed over threatening murder. Is that truly wise?”

“No. But I also can’t change the past, so it’s whatever I guess.”

“Threatening murder is whatever you guess,” my guide mockingly replied.

“It uh… it sounds kinda bad when you say it,” I replied.

“Still doesn’t bother me,” Taya said with a shrug. “Didn’t Rage say they deserved it?”

“They were just asking to interview someone who is very newsworthy,” my guide said. “They were doing their jobs.”

“Then maybe they should have chosen a different career path,” Rage said. “Nobody likes vultures.”

“That’s human media,” my guide said. “You’ve never given pony media a chance, Nav.”

“I haven’t, and I intend to rectify that. If I remember, I’ll apologize to the reporters. Threatening them may have been a little rude.”

“Ugh, boring,” Taya groaned.

“Right? So, can we move on now or what?”

“We may,” my guide said. She cosplayed a goa'uld and we vanished.

The tree thing kicked in again and we appeared in a very unkempt garden. Celestia was sitting on a thorny throne while Fleur and Fancy Pants bowed. “To what do we owe this summons, Princess?” Fancy politely asked. He and his wife finally stood, at least.

“You two are relatively close to Navarone now, are you not?” Celestia asked.

“We are, Princess,” Fleur said. “Is… that a problem?”

“No, it’s exactly what I need right now,” Celestia said. “It’s time Nav was rewarded again for her deeds. Given that a few fiefdoms just opened up, I was thinking I’d make her a noble.”

“That’s very generous of you, but I’m not sure Nav would approve,” Fancy said.

“Her approval isn’t necessary,” Celestia said. “But it would certainly make things easier, which is why I invited both of you here. I would like you to convince her to do it willingly.”

“You want us to talk our friend into doing something she doesn’t want to?” Fleur slowly asked.

“Yes. I assumed, given what my precious human was wearing upon her return last night, you would have no issue with that. If you can talk her into wearing a beautiful dress at a fancy party, talking her into accepting a prestigious award for all of her good deeds should be a cake-walk.”

“It should be simple,” Fancy said with a nod. “Nav is fairly easy to manipulate.”

“No one is debating the ease with which we could do it,” Fleur said. “Do we really want to force our friend to do something like this?”

“Oh no, don’t think of it like that,” Celestia said with a cute smile. “Think of it as stopping me from forcing her to do it. If you convince her to do it willingly, nopony will be forcing anypony to do anything.”

“...But Nav isn’t a pony,” Fleur said.

“May I ask what in particular it is that Nav did?” Fancy asked. “Was capturing Pertz that high of a priority?”

“Nav has done several things. Capturing Pertz was certainly part of it. Helping me deal with the demons absolutely helped. But the main thing that triggered it was seeing her all dolled up. I know if I make her an official lady, she’ll be obligated to dress up cute all the time!” Taya started snickering, so I reached over and turned one of her ears inside out. She squeaked and flopped it around a few times until it corrected itself, then glared at me.

“I’m not sure wanting to see Nav pretty is a valid reason to make her a noble,” Fancy said.

“Of course it is,” Celestia replied. “I can make whoever I want a noble for any reason I choose. Well, as long as they’re sapient. We made a tree a noble once for reasons that made sense at the time, but it caused a huge legal issue later when someone tried to cut it down to build something. So whoever I make a noble has to be at least capable of talking and using some semblance of reason. Nav fits both of those, though she may be a bit iffy on the reason. She is becoming a lady, one way or another. The only thing that changes will be how she feels about it. I believe having some friends there when she learns might soothe the blow, wouldn’t you agree?”

“This is sounding more and more like a punishment,” Fleur said. “You’re going to force Nav to become something she doesn’t want to so she’ll be obligated to dress a way she doesn’t want to.”

“No, it only seems like a punishment because this is absolutely the kind of thing I would do to punish her,” Celestia said. “This actually is a reward, believe it or not. There’s not really a special title or medal for stopping a demon invasion or a murderous tyrant, so Nav will have to settle for nobility instead. She’ll hate it and gnash her teeth and growl and so on, but she’ll get over it. Being a noble will make living in Equestria much easier for her, I’m sure. Oooh, just thinking about how adorable she’ll be at the ceremony makes me want to push it forward!”

Fleur and Fancy shared a short look. Fancy finally cleared his throat. “We will talk to Navarone for you, Princess.”

“Excellent. At the moment, I believe she is in her room. I’ll have a maid sent to announce you. Please don’t be alarmed by any of what you see in her room. I’m told she’s back to painting, which could mean anything from beautiful masterpieces to true horror shows.”

“Horror to one is beauty to another,” Fleur flippantly replied.

Celestia’s horn lit up and one of my masterpieces appeared, Saturn Devouring His Son. Fleur instantly retched and Fancy flinched. “This is the tamest of the works I confiscated. Consider yourself lucky this is the one I chose to display.”

“Humans are utterly fascinating,” Fancy said. “I had the person in control at the bunker show me some human movies and art. A lot of it was horrific, but more of it was beautiful. Even the horror tended to have a point to it.”

“This looks distasteful,” Fleur said. “But Nav wouldn’t have painted it without reason. It must mean something to humans.”

“To me, it’s nothing but disgusting,” Celestia said. “Nav should be thankful Twilight rescued her from that barbaric culture.”

“FUCK YOU, COW!” I shouted. I don’t know why that enraged me so much, but hearing the mare who forced me to go through so much call everything I ever knew barbaric like that… “I’m glad we made a mockery of your death and took pictures the whole time to commemorate it!”

“...Are you alright?” Taya slowly asked.

“Yes. I’m done listening to this,” I said. “Celestia was a monster and I’m glad she’s dead. What are the takeaways here?”

“Making you a noble may not have been punishment after all,” Pride said. “It finally clicked for you when you were walking down the aisle, didn’t it? All the ponies were cheering you, Nav.”

“And it wasn’t because they were expected to,” Reason said. “It’s because they wanted to.”

“As if that was ever in doubt,” Taya scoffed. “Who wouldn’t want to cheer mommy on?”

“Mommy, obviously,” Pride said. “Since, you know, she hates herself.”

“Plus those nobles who are now rotting in prison for life,” I said. “And probably a few other people, but I don’t really care about being hated anymore. I’ve done some great things since I got here. I didn’t originally like the idea of being uplifted like this, but I do recognize how valuable it’ll be. Especially now that Celestia’s not out to get me anymore.”

“Celestia was trying to make you more girly,” Reason said. “Newlestia confirmed it when you first met her. She adored the idea of dressing you up.”

“She sure did,” I said. “It was pretty annoying.”

“Being Rarity’s doll was bad enough,” Pride said. “But Celestia had the power to do whatever she wanted. Did you enjoy the sleepover, Navi?”

“No. Well, I enjoyed the pillow fight and cuddling up to Breastia and human Cadance. Hmm… Cansdance, maybe? Everything else about it sucked.”

“Yeah, slumber parties are the worst,” Taya said. “Those annoying fillies you made me hang out with always liked doing annoying things like playing dress-up, practicing making out, and talking about colts.”

“What’s wrong with making out?” Pride asked.

“I had the least practice, so they all took turns with me over and over until I could get it right.”

“So, any other takeaways?” I asked.

“There was going to be another one about how Fleur and Fancy both defended you and your culture to Celestia, but you interrupted before it could happen,” my guide said.

“Thanks for the tl;dw,” I said with a nod. “I guess if that’s all, we can kick it.”

“You got to see Fleur defending you anyway,” Pride said. “When Celestia wanted to force you into something, Fleur tried to convince her otherwise.”

“Yeah, that was pretty swanky,” I replied. “She had the ovaries to almost stand up to Celestia a little.”

“Is that really saying much after you slapped her in the face, called her a murderous tyrant, and eventually deposed her?” Taya asked.

“For a pony, the ability to stand up to Celestia meant a whole lot. Fleur felt herself pulled in like all the others, Taya. Because of that, I don’t question her loyalty anymore. Well, until I free her from it.”

“...So she really is your loyal puppet,” Taya slowly said. “Mommy, please reconsider telling everyone.”

“It’s too late,” I said. “Celestia already knows.”

“Yeah, and you can order her not to tell anyone else. It can be our little secret and you can use it to control the masses!”

“I ain’t about that life. You do need to start being nicer to Fleur, Taya. You don’t have to like her, but you can’t just be openly antagonistic to others.”

“Uh, say what?” Taya asked. “Don’t you act like that all the time?”

“No, I just act aggravating because annoying people amuses me sometimes. Open antagonism is loudly accusing someone of trying to use me and then having to be bribed into behaving.”

“Well, I am just your little eternafilly, aren’t I? Doesn’t that mean I get to act up?”

“Why would you want to be a naughty eternafilly? Use your head, silly. Being good gets you rewards!”

“And yet you act up with Twilight all the time, despite knowing you’ll get punished,” Taya said. “Maybe being punished can be fun!”

“Not when I’m the one doing the punishing. Now, let’s move on.”

“As you desire,” my guide said. Her eyes lit up and we carried on.

This time, we appeared in an apple orchard. For a moment, I thought the tree thing kicked in again. Then I realized we were right next to the Cutiemark Crusaders’ clubhouse. The three girls were sitting at a table under it and Rarity was standing next to them, wearing exercising clothes.

“You… need our help?” Sweetie asked. “With what?”

“Well, I don’t really need all of you, to be honest,” Rarity said. “Applebloom, please, train me!”

“...Train you?” Applebloom said, her head tilting. “Uh… You wanna learn to buck apples?”

“No! I need you to teach me how to resist cuteness!”

That made all three of them blink, of course. “Why would you need that?” Scootaloo asked. “And why would she help you?! That’s giving away her biggest advantage!”

“Cuteness ain’t my biggest advantage!” Applebloom shouted. “Navi told me it was my super soft tummy, sweet grin, and sad pout!”

“Those are all things that make you cute,” Sweetie said.

“He’s having Taya misuse her cuteness!” Rarity shouted, slapping a hoof on the ground. “He’s beaten me multiple times with her! I have to learn to defend against it!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Scootaloo said, waving a hoof. “You can’t misuse cuteness!”

“He’s used it to evade three massive talking-tos! I can’t just let that stand! You have to help me, Applebloom!”

“Forget that!” Sweetie yelled. “Teach me to be cute, instead! There’s no way I can let Taya be cuter than me! Especially if it’ll get me out of Rarity’s boring and misguided life lessons!”

“What was that, missy?!” Rarity hissed.

“Let me show you how it’s done,” Applebloom said. “Taya ain’t got nothin’ on me!” With that, her face fell into a massive pout, something that would have made my fake heart skip a beat if it didn’t take about a minute or so to actually beat. “Y-you aren’t r-really mad, a-are you? She d-didn’t mean it!”

Instead of capitulating, Rarity’s face fell into a strangely crooked grin. “This is it! This is my chance! Show me all you got, you cute little demon! I’ll weather this storm… I’ll weather this storm and I’ll get you yet, Nav!”

The memory went grey, so I walked over and sat on Rarity’s soft, plump body. “So, you wanna risk cuteness on her again, or just shelve that tactic for now?” I asked.

“There are plenty of ways we can deal with Rarity without resorting to cuteness,” Taya said. “Besides, it’s my least favorite weapon.”

“That’s a shame, because it’s my favorite,” I said. “We’ll keep it in our back pocket, but we’ll find other ways to work around Rarity’s nonsense.”

“Why were we even shown this?” Taya asked.

The only one standing with us was the guide, who took it upon herself to answer. “You must take care with your friends, Nav. Your actions drove Rarity to these lengths.”

“The belly rub I gave her after getting the dress was a little much, I’ll admit.”

“Does Rarity actually count as a friend?” Taya asked.

“It’s a give and take relationship,” I replied with a shrug. “Let’s get going.”

“As you choose,” my guide said. Her eyes flashed and off we went. I didn’t think about standing up until I was already falling down.

Taya snickered at me as I sighed and looked around. We were in Blossom’s office. She was there with a smiling Fleur. The nice painting Flo made was hung on the wall behind Blossom’s desk. Before they started talking, I used Fleur’s supple body to pull me to my feet.

“So, the princess knows of your affliction,” Fleur said. “How does it feel?”

“I am… relieved to know that I’m safe. Lady Navarone did not disappoint. I’m in her debt once more, it seems.”

“Oh, don’t think of it that way,” Fleur said, waving a hoof. “I know she certainly doesn’t. You’re a friend, so she’s happy to help. Especially now that you’re a friend who can more openly use her powers.”

“...Friends help others regardless of debt,” Blossom slowly said. “Nav said something similar. It’s sad to say, but it’s a new concept for me.”

“You aren’t the only one,” Fleur said with a cute giggle. “Navi’s truly showing us that friendship is magic, isn’t she?”

“Yes, but don’t let her hear you say it. When I first heard about Nav, I honestly expected her to be completely different.”

“She was exactly what I expected. It just took me far too long to realize how valuable that made her. Now I’m quite happy I’m in a position to help doll her up!”

“Don’t let her hear you say that, either. So, Celestia knows. Now what?”

“Now we let the masses know, of course,” Fleur said.

“W-what?! How is that of course?! I was lucky enough that Celestia approved it!”

“Exactly,” Fleur said with a nod. “You were extremely lucky.”

“So why should I push it and tell everypony?!” If she was reverting back to that racist catch-all, she was definitely panicking.

“Because Celestia can change her mind at any time. By telling the masses, we make it official and take away all hints of luck. You are a Princess Celestia-approved vampire. I don’t see anything wrong with letting the world know. That way, it’ll make it more difficult to change her mind later, assuming you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Or assuming there’s nothing she can frame me for.”

“That too. The point is, if we get this in the press, there won’t be any reason for you to be afraid anymore. You can freely be who you are. After all, Celestia never said anything about keeping it secret.”

“...And you aren’t worried it might backfire?”

“I’m not. If Nav weren’t taking one for the team with that old hag right now, she would agree with me.”

“The princess may be old, but she can’t really be called a hag,” Blossom said. “And Nav definitely seems to enjoy it. I was going to play with her after the party, but the princess snatched her away from me…”

“Once your vampirism is public, you’ll be able to use your powers during duty. Have you spent much time practicing?”

“No. It’s difficult to find a place with no risk of witnesses. But if it’s public, that’s no longer a concern. If we really do put it out there—”

“We are,” Fleur said. “I already wrote the rough draft for the article. I think I know just the mare to pass it to! I’m sure she’ll be delighted to put the truth to print.”

“I’m actually quite interested in what she’ll have to say about Nav’s elevation to the nobility. Clementine really seems to hate her.”

“That’s irrelevant,” Fleur said, waving a hoof. “Let that mare hate us all she wants. As long as she stays on her leash like a good little filly, it won’t matter. And now that Nav has even more power, it means we can tighten our screws down on that reporter even more.”

“Careful that you don’t break her. She could do a whole lot of damage before we could stop her, if she really wanted.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Navi taught me to play nice with my toys. The only thing that would upset her enough to betray us is asking her to print lies. Since you’re definitely a vampony and Celestia definitely approved of it, there shouldn’t be a problem. You know the best part about going public?”

“Everyone will stop asking why I have fangs?”

“It’ll make your search for new blood types easier! If everypony knows you’re a vampony, you can just ask new species if they mind!”

“I… I can’t just ask to suck someone’s blood!”

“Why not?” Fleur asked, her head tilting slightly. “You’re a vampony. Isn’t that what you do?”

“Yes, but I don’t need to go around begging for it! That’ll just scare everyone.”

“I think it sounds like a wonderful way to pick up stallions! I’m sure if we doll you up just right, none of them would ever say no!” That made my filly snort.

“They’re more likely to be afraid. No matter how much you dress up a monster, it’s still a monster.”

“Don’t be silly,” Fleur said, booping our favorite vampire right on her adorable little nose. “If you keep calling yourself a monster, I’ll tell Navi on you! Then she’ll remind you that you’re too cute to be a monster while pinching your cheek. I’m sure she’ll probably find some other ways to make you suffer, too.”

“Tch, of course. Fine. Is undead abomination better?”

“It’s a step in the right direction. So how do you feel, truly?”

It took a few seconds, but Blossom actually smiled. “Good. Coming out to Celestia took a load off my back. And as much as it scares me, I think you’re right about going public. With you and Nav on my side, there’s no way it can go wrong.”

“Exactly,” Fleur said with a nod. “Just depend on us!” With that, the memory grayed out.

“So you showed them both the magic of friendship,” Taya smugly said.

“Apparently. And apparently they’re too ashamed to tell me about it, for some reason.”

“I doubt it’s shame,” Pride said. “But then, you knew that, didn’t you?”

“I can’t hide anything from you, Pride,” I said with a sigh. “I may have thumped her on the ear or something if she said that to me. It’s annoying, but it’s just a pony catchphrase. I’ve learned to live with it.”

“Does that mean you won’t be ashamed of your Defender of Harmony armor anymore?” Pride asked.

“I haven’t learned to live with that one yet. I don’t want to be covered in ass tattoos, even if they also grace some fine booties. Well, except for Dash’s. She’s a little bony…”

“So, that was the first takeaway,” Pride said. “You brought together two very determined and interesting mares. Together, they’ve worked quite a bit to boost you and each other. It’s completely okay to pretend you did this on purpose.”

“...Huh?” Taya said.

“I had no ulterior motives when meeting them,” I said. “None at all. I had zero plans for either. He’s saying that when I leave the coma, I can pretend that I befriended them to further my ambitions.”

“Wow. After wracking my brains over and over, I couldn’t think of any other reason you could possibly put up with Fleur. I thought you were just keeping it a secret from me this whole time. Are you saying you actually like her?!”

“I didn’t at first, but she’s gone a long way to get in my good graces. Blossom was really cold at first, but she warmed up a lot after realizing how good I taste.”

“I don’t think that’s the reason,” Pride said. “But then, you knew that too, didn’t you?”

“It may have been part of it, but I’m pretty sure the events just coincided. Right after she drank from me, she came out of the closet.”

“Is that why you’ve been trying to set her up with Fleur?” Pride asked.

“Hot. So why would I pretend I did this on purpose? Wouldn’t the ponies be happier if it was just me being friendly? And wouldn’t Blossom and Fleur be happier knowing I wasn’t out to use them?”

“That’s why you tell them beforehand,” Pride said. “This way, all of your followers will realize how Macchiavellian you are, since you’ve been planning your coup ever since first befriending Blossom.”

“Cool idea, but pass. Do we have any other takeaways?”

“Are you proud of the friends you’ve made?” Pride asked.

“Not really. I mean, making friends is just something that usually happens in life. No reason to be particularly proud of it, as far as I’m concerned. Especially since I accidentally cheated a lot with my human pull.”

“Let me rephrase the question. Are you proud of how far they’ve come since meeting you?”

“Oh. Then yes. Or at least, in their case I am. It sucks that it probably only happened because I accidentally cheated, but I’m still glad that they’re better off.”

“Good,” Pride said. “I’m always happy to be validated. I don’t have anything else for you.”

“Cool. Let’s get going, fake Flo.”

“As you command, fake woman,” she replied. Her eyes lit up and off we went.

We appeared at the bottom of a mountain next to a small village. After looking around for a few seconds, I realized we were near the kobold village in Hawaii, which made the mountain the volcano that held Blaze. Several water elementals were standing in front of the village chief and a few of his followers.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Let me guess, this is the part where everyone tells me killing the mage was a bad thing,” I said.

“Didn’t he throw Gilda into a volcano?” Taya asked. “Sounds like he deserved it.”

“I agree,” Rage replied.

“I also agree that he deserved it,” Reason said. “But that doesn’t mean giving him what he deserved was smart.”

The peanut gallery fell silent, so I looked around. It was just Reason and Rage, this time. “What, no Fear?” I asked.

“You weren’t afraid of the kobolds, you were just annoyed by them,” Reason said. “You were a little afraid that relations would sour between you and the water elementals if you killed all the kobolds, but that was about it.”

“Well, let’s hear what they have to say,” I said, crossing my arms. The scene finally came alive before us.

“The volcano has been rumbling a lot since the ship left,” the chief said. “Our mage used to calm it.”

“It’s possible that the fire elemental inside was the only thing keeping that volcano from going off,” Brook said. “If so, even with your mage, there would be nothing you could do.”

“We have weathered lava flows before, long ago. Tales of how to survive have passed down. Even if that monster weakened us, we’ll make it.”

“Will you have to move your village?” Mist asked. I kinda wonder how long it took her to calm down after Blaze got away.

“Of course. We’ll begin preparations soon. This spot was never intended to be permanent, anyway…”

Some of the water elementals shared looks. After a moment, Brook slid forward a little. “I have a recommendation. Allow us to assist in an evacuation.”

“...Evacuation?” the kobold slowly said.

“This is a very small island in the middle of the largest ocean on the planet,” Mist said. “How many volcanoes and really bad storms do you deal with on a regular basis? If you have to leave this home anyway, why not go somewhere with fewer terrible disasters?”

“We’ve all been curious about what’s on the other side of the waves,” the kobold said. “But what we have seen has left quite a bad taste in our mouths.”

“...Do you mean the part where you attempted to murder one of our crew members and then got mad when vengeance was taken?” Carl asked. Mist facepalmed and Brook’s eyes turned dark blue. The kobold’s teeth started grating.

“Let us not cast stones, sisters,” Flumen quietly said. “Navarone’s behavior was unacceptable, but we deserve equal parts of the blame for not stepping in to save her friend.”

“Either way, it shouldn’t be an issue,” Carl said. “As I’m sure you can surmise, throwing people into volcanoes is a problem in most cultures. Nav demonstrated excellently what manner of punishment you can expect for doing so if you decide to emigrate. Following the law means you don’t need to worry about punishment.”

“Let’s go check on the volcano, dear sister,” Flumen said, grabbing one of Carl’s hands. The two of them slid up the mountain, leaving the discussion to the adults.

“There is plenty of unincorporated land in this world that you could claim for yourself and set whatever manner of rules you’d like,” Brook said. “We can see to it that you’re dropped off wherever you like, with plenty of support to ensure you can last until you settle down.”

“You deserve better than living alone on this island for eternity,” Mist said. “This is a very large world with all kinds of races to meet and sights to see. We can help you accomplish that, as well as give you more room to grow and expand.”

“...There are cave paintings of beings like you,” the kobold said, looking Mist up and down. “Beings made of liquid that heal and comfort.”

“Long, long ago, we lived alongside your ancestors,” Mist said. “We helped them survive in the harsh world and did our best to guide them. Once, this was a chain of islands that I called home. I brought your first ancestors here.”

“And now you’d seek to take us away,” the chief harshly replied.

“Once, villages of your kind dotted every country on the planet. Now, so far, you are all we have found. One way or another, living isolated in this manner will lead to death.”

“And so we should trust the tales of old? Are you telling us to put our faith in those who rode with those demons?”

“Brook, how far away do you think the ship is by now?” Mist asked.

“Far enough, I’d say,” Brook replied.

“Why don’t you go check on Flumen and Carl? I think I might have better luck talking to him alone.”

“I think I’ll do that,” Brook said with a playful smile. She slid off, chuckling about something.

Mist shot forward and placed one of her hands on the kobold’s shoulder, then loomed over him. “Let’s walk and talk, shall we?” He looked up at her with bright blue eyes and slowly nodded. “You know, I think the Everfree might be a good fit for you,” she mused as she started leading her new host away. Everything finally grayed out and I just shook my head.

“What a bitch,” Taya said.

“You’re too young for that word,” I idly replied. “But man, what a bitch.”

“Mommy, I’m not gonna get any older.”

“Then I guess that means you’ll always be too young for that word. Good thing you wanted to be my eternafilly, isn’t it?” She stuck her tongue out at me in a manner completely becoming an eternafilly.

“You’re going to need to sign her up for young lady courses,” Reason said.

“Yeah, definitely. That’s a problem for future me, though. So, did Brook just knowingly abandon the kobold to have his mind taken over?”

“I don’t think that’s the most accurate way of saying it,” Reason replied. “It looks like Brook left so she wouldn’t be a witness. Thus, she has plausible deniability. It can easily be inferred that she knew what was about to happen and left so it could, though.”

“Either way, it completely spits in the face of everything she told me on that beach. How many times now have we witnessed water elementals blatantly doing the thing they all said none of them ever do?”

“Too many,” Rage said.

“And always in your favor,” Reason said. “How is it okay when you do it but not when they do it? After all, it’s their power to abuse.”

“It’s not okay to do it at all, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t ever necessary,” I said. “Mist just got tired of talking, so she used the nuclear option. And apparently she’s going to try to get them to the Everfree.”

“So that would make two subservient races,” my guide said. “You’ll own the monkeys and the kobolds! That’ll make taming the Everfree much easier.”

“That actually does sound kinda useful,” Taya said. “And I mean, you are planning on using them to mess with my mind, aren’t you? If the elementals are doing everything in their power to support you, isn’t that a good thing?”

“Not necessarily,” I said. “But what’s more important is that we have no way of knowing if they’re doing all of this to support me. Remember, the only events we’re seeing right now pertain directly to me. How many times have elementals been alone with others in events that didn’t concern me? How many times might they have used their powers in ways that only benefit themselves? If they’re willing to so blatantly use mind control like this… A part of me shudders to think of what I’ve unleashed upon the world.”

“Be careful, you might hurt Flo’s feelings,” Rage sarcastically said. “Isn’t it a little too late to start feeling regret now?”

“It’s never too late to feel regret,” I said. “But I can safely say that my entire journey to free the elementals began under false pretenses. I was misled into releasing them, I didn’t do it knowing their full capabilities or history.”

“Did Flo lie when you met her?” Taya asked.

“Yes. She also didn’t have the full story, which might have affected her decision. But as this coma showed me, I never really had a choice once I met her. She instantly pumped herself into me and knew exactly what to say to make me agree.”

“And what not to say, of course,” Reason said.

“But that’s old news. Let’s get back to the present memory. Why would Mist want to drag the kobolds to the Everfree?”

“To help empower you, of course,” Reason said. “The elementals are tools of humanity. At the moment, you are the most human-like thing they can safely engage with. Thus, it follows that they’d seek to support you. Bringing followers to your banner is always valuable.”

“And having all of your followers secretly under their control makes turning you into a figurehead easy,” Rage added. “The monkeys serve Brook. The kobolds serve Mist. The ponies serve Celestia. The changelings serve Moonbeam. Be very cautious while acting in your territory, Navarone. Those loyal specifically to you will be few.”

“Especially if you eliminate the pull,” my guide said. “Good luck getting any support, then.”

“Luckily, I own Celestia at the moment, so the ponies aren’t an issue. Brook’s an alpha, so she’s theoretically obligated to obey me. That means the monkeys might not be an issue. Mist and the others got purified, so the kobolds might not be a problem. The jury’s out on the changelings. If Discord forces Moonbeam to follow her deal, we’ll need to be careful.”

“Remember that nothing is permanent,” Reason said. “You own Celestia… at the moment. Be wary of putting too much power into her hooves. If you revitalize the military and something happens so that she takes over again, it’s entirely possible the revitalized military will be used on you.”

“Yeah, but I can’t go around living my life constantly in fear of the future,” I said. “I happen to think dealing with Tartarus is important. I also think if we can do it the right way, we can avoid more bloodshed in the future. Anyway, do we have any more takeaways here?”

“Don’t trust the elementals,” Rage said.

“I’ll do my best. I guess it’s time to move on, then.” My guide’s eyes flashed and we thankfully took off without delving too far into the morality of vengeance.

We appeared on the deck of the airship, right near the very front. Silver Quill, Doppel, and Kat were standing there. Everyone else was gray, so I figured they were the important ones.

“So how do you feel about life on the ship, Silver?” Doppel asked. “I know it takes some getting used to.”

“I think it’s amazing,” Silver said. “I never thought I would get to even ride an airship, let alone live in one!”

“I suppose it’s certainly an upgrade for you,” Kat said, rubbing the back of her neck. “It took me ages to get used to the cramped rooms. I used to sneak in and cuddle with Nav when she was sleeping to help me get over it, but then her filly started doing it and I couldn’t get away with it anymore…”

“Speaking of which, do you already know the most important rule?” Doppel asked.

“Oh, Watcher already gave me the number one rule,” Silver replied with a nod. “Never get between the lady and her filly. Given what happened to Pertz, I don’t think I could survive Lady Navarone’s bad side.”

“It wouldn’t be her bad side you’d have to worry about,” Doppel said. “Nav’s volatile and violent to those who she decides are enemies. No offense to you, but there’s no way you’d ever classify as an enemy to her. Taya, on the other hoof… She’s a lot more fickle. And she’s a lot more volatile than Nav ever was.” Silver was actually starting to look slightly scared. Taya was well past looking angry.

“Don’t be afraid,” Kat said. “Just keep being yourself and you’ll never need to worry about either of them!”

For some reason, that made Silver tilt her head. “What do you mean, keep being myself? I thought Lady Navarone changed everyone and made them better.”

“...Is that what she does?” Kat slowly asked, looking over to Doppel.

“I mean… I’m nowhere near the same changeling I was when I met her,” Doppel said. “And Nav was the focal point for most of my changes, but… I don’t know if that’s really the best way to put it.”

“And I’m definitely not the same cat,” Kat said. “Hm… Have you heard the phrase diamond in the rough?”

“I have,” Silver replied with a nod.

“Think of it like that. You were hand-picked by the great Lady Navarone, Silver. That makes you one of her gems. Over time, with her help, you’ll chisel away at all the things that make you weak and afraid.”

“That’s a good way to put it,” Doppel said. “But still not quite right… To borrow the gem analogy, let’s say I’m obsidian, Kat is citrine quartz, and you can be moonstone. We’ll call Nav a master jeweler. Her wonderful hands will turn you into the perfect shape and size no matter what you look like. Or to get rid of the analogy, she’ll take a look at all the things you’re good at, assign you tasks in those areas, and then never bother you about them until she needs a status report.”

“It’s amazing!” Kat said. “I expected to be micromanaged when I was a slave, but the master assassins almost always kept tabs on me even past my apprenticeship! Nav actually lets me do my thing!”

“Um… Assassins?” Silver quietly said, blanching slightly.

“Right?” Doppel said, completely ignoring the boring accountant. “Back when I used to spy for Chrysalis, I had to constantly check in with the local contacts. It was so boring and it ended with them getting caught more than once!”

“S-spy?!” Silver squeaked.

“Nav doesn’t just change people, Silver,” Kat said, reaching down to boop the mare. “She builds them up into something they never imagined.”

“And then she allows you to do your job in peace,” Doppel said, sighing with delight. “I never really thought I’d enjoy being a maid, but working with Nav has been great!”

“I don’t get to torture or murder as much as I’d like, but I’m still having a lot of fun too,” Kat said with a warm grin. I don’t know why, but Silver’s ears both dropped. “Something about Lady Navi is just…” Her paws clasped together under her chin and she looked up. “Oooh, I just wanna cuddle her!”

“Ugh, not again,” Doppel said, rolling her eyes. Her body flashed and turned into me, complete with a decent dress. Kat immediately hugged her and Doppel sighed. “She’ll be like this for a few minutes,” the fake me said. “Trust me when I say you don’t want to watch. And since you’re a witness now, it’s also partially your responsibility to make sure Nav and Taya don’t see us like this.”

“Wait, what?” Silver said. “W-why can’t they see you?”

“Nav doesn’t like when I use her body without her permission. But if I had to wait to get her permission to calm Kat down, there might be casualties. And Taya always knows immediately when I’m pretending to be Nav, so she’d definitely be angry. Go keep a lookout on the stairs.”

Silver was looking more and more scared by the word, so she took the chance to run and did so without a backwards glance.

“Was that a little too much?” Kat asked when Silver was far enough to turn gray.

“If she can’t stand us when we’re being silly, she absolutely won’t be able to stand us when we actually do scary things.” A few awkward seconds passed. “Are you going to let me go?”

A few more seconds passed before Kat sweetly grinned and wrapped her entire body around the fake me, giggling in glee. Doppel sighed and hung her head. With that, they both went gray.

“I was kinda wondering how that conversation went,” I said. “What do you think, Taya?”

“I think it’s rude to talk about people behind their back!” Taya said, slapping a hoof on the deck. “Especially a washed up whore and a psycho murderer!”

That made my guide giggle. “Are you describing them, or yourselves?” she gaily asked.

“Hey, I have never once charged anyone for it,” I said. “I am a washed up slut, thank you very much. Although Doppel also hasn’t, so—”

“Yes she has,” Taya said. “She told me that her most popular disguise was prostitute. It was easy to feed herself, easy to make money, and easy to disappear.”

“Then I stand corrected,” I said. “And I would appreciate it if you didn’t call my filly a psychopath. I’m doing my absolute best to turn her into a sociopath, thank you very much!”

“...How’s that supposed to be better?” my guide asked.

“You can’t really cure the underlying condition, either way,” I said. “All you can do is make someone better suited to be in society. And there’s literally no one better suited to society than a sociopath. So I’m doing my best to teach my psycho filly how to behave so she can graduate to socio instead.”

“...I don’t know how to feel about that,” Taya slowly said. “So what’s the difference in a psychopath and a sociopath?”

“Do you remember Miguel? The dude Discord sent to attack us in Stalliongrad?”

“Yeah…”

“He murdered children for fun, cut their faces off, dried them, and carried them around with him. That’s a psychopath. Now think about Oldlestia. She put her emotionlessness to use and built up a huge nation off the suffering of millions. The main difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is how well they’re able to cope in society. Psychos can’t really do it and end up losing their shit. Socios learn how to blend in and since they don’t care about the suffering of others, they freely and willingly benefit from it. As my eternafilly, you’re powerful enough that you have to be able to blend in.”

“...I guess that makes sense,” Taya said.

“Don’t you think she should aim higher than being crazy?” my guide asked.

“We have to start somewhere,” I said with a shrug. “Once she learns complete self-control, we’ll be able to more safely work through issues. Anyway, we’re off subject.”

“We sure are,” Pride said. “You want the first takeaway?”

“If you’d be so kind,” I said.

“Silver Quill was incredibly honored that you hired her,” he said. “She also had very high expectations of you as an employer. I’ll go ahead and give you a spoiler to say that you surpassed them.”

“That’s kinda—” Before I could finish, Taya used magic to gag me.

“It’s not sad!” Taya said. “Why do you always say that?!” I wanted to reply, but she didn’t ungag me.

“She doesn’t like getting compliments,” the guide said. “They make her feel weird and awkward because she still isn’t used to them. Because of that, she does her best to brush them off. Also, it’s rude to ask her a question and then not ungag her.”

“Oh, shoot, sorry!” The light around her horn fizzled out and I could finally close my mouth. “I don’t actually use any magic energy in here, so I forgot I still had it active.”

“No worries, it saved me from having to answer,” I said. “I can understand Silver being honored. I rescued her, after all. Well, we saved her, but in her mind, it seems to be mostly me. To be honest, I’m not entirely positive I know what Kat and Doppel are talking about, but I guess I’ll take their word for it.”

“What, are you saying I’m not the perfect example?” Taya asked. “Look where I am now compared to where I was when you found me! From literal gutter trash to the eternafilly of the best mommy ever! Plus I’m super powerful and apparently more attractive than I realized!”

“...Huh?” I said.

“A surprising amount of colts at the tower think my bright green eyes are really cute…”

“Told you, silly. So, any other takeaways?”

“Do you want to discuss any of the batshit crazy things Kat said?” Pride asked.

“If I spent time deconstructing Kat’s insanity, I would probably never stop. At this point, I’m basically over it.”

“Then the last takeaway is the most important rule on the ship,” Pride said.

“You shut your whore mouth, Spike!” Taya said.

“Wow, you really do take after her,” Pride said. “Watcher made that the most important rule for a reason, Taya. Think about what that means.”

“It sounds like he’s jealous,” Taya huffed.

“It means he was afraid,” I said, patting her head. “His group is full of hardened soldiers and their number one rule was to never fuck with the filly. That tells you something about what they think of the filly.”

“...I won’t be scary anymore,” Taya quietly said. “I… I’m sorry, mommy. I never… I never wanted to scare them…”

Wait, really? “I know, Taya,” I said. My guide snorted. “We both have work to do. And we’re both going to help each other. Now, since that was the last takeaway, let’s dip on outta here.”

“As you wish,” the guide said. Hopefully just to surprise me, her eyes lost all of their light instead.

We appeared next to a trotting changeling in the palace at the Crystal Empire. Thankfully, Taya and I were on some kind of conveyor belt that kept pace with Eva.

“S-should we really d-do this?” Eva whispered.

“Indecisiveness will get you nowhere,” Mimeo replied. “The choice has been made. We’ve all agreed.”

“It won’t hurt to ask,” Poly said. “The worst she can do is say no.”

“She’s not going to say no,” Ganger said. “There’s no way Nav could ever deny us. Eva has her wrapped around her hoof!”

“I do not!” Eva shouted, making a nearby guard look her way. She continued silently, blushing. When the guard was out of sight, she sighed and quietly said, “I’m not manipulating her. I’m not! I just…”

“You’re just going to use your cute smile and cracking voice to get what you want,” Mimeo said. “After all, being too cute to hurt was the reason you were created.” Eva’s body froze.

“Don’t,” Poly immediately said. Eva shook and continued trotting. “You voted the same as the rest of us, Mimeo. Don’t be mean to her just because she’s the most likely to actually succeed.”

“Yeah, maybe you should try being nicer,” Ganger said. “Nav is probably still mad about that cow thing. I honestly didn’t think she would pick us up and throw us like that…”

“I think it was fun!” Eva said. “Until we hit the ground, at least. Um… If we’re really… gonna ask, can we all… promise to never make her mad?”

“I’ll do my best,” Ganger said.

“I never wanted to make her angry anyway,” Poly said.

“I don’t have a deathwish, obviously,” Mimeo said.

“Good,” Eva said. “I’m a little worried about how Taya will react, but… I think she’ll be happy to have us once she gets over her shock. I really wanted to ask her first, but Nav told so many scary stories that…”

“If we don’t ask now, we may never get the chance,” Mimeo said.

“As Nav once put it, it’s better to have loved and lost than something something,” Poly said.

“Truly words of wisdom,” Ganger sarcastically replied. “Was the rest of it not as profound?”

“Oh no, that’s actually verbatim,” Poly said. “Nav included the something something.”

“I remember that now,” Eva said. “I asked Doppel later and she told me the rest. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I’m not really sure it applies, since we love her regardless, but…”

“But it’ll be nice to know if she feels the same,” Poly finished for her.

They finally arrived at what I recognized as their room. The light faded from Eva’s eyes as soon as her hoof touched the door and the memory faded to gray.

“...This feels like eavesdropping,” Taya slowly said.

“This is literally eavesdropping,” I replied. “Did you just now get that? My question is, were they actually talking to each other out loud, or was the coma just translating for us?”

“Who knows?” Love said. “So, would you like the takeaway?”

“I think it’s only fair to give Taya some context. After the trip back from Hawaii, Flo left my head. I asked Celestia to teleport me to see Cadance so I could talk to her about Flo. Eva joined us. I told them some of what we had been through since they left, too. The stories must have made her push her plan forward.”

“I guess that’s why they didn’t wait to talk to me,” Taya slowly said. “Although I don’t guess it would have mattered. I would have panicked more if they asked than I did when you told me, but I still would have agreed.”

If you say so. “So, what can we learn from this one?” I finally asked, looking over at Love.

“Eva is also aware that one of her main weapons is cuteness. She worries that you only agreed because she’s cute and you didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“They’re planning to come visit Canterlot at some point,” I said. “I’ll do my best to prove there’s nothing for her to worry about then.”

“I’ll need to practice walking around as a human,” Taya said. “I tried a pair of your heels while you were in the coma and they were awful!”

“...Why do you need to practice as a human?” I slowly asked.

“So we can be humans together for you again!” she happily replied.

“You weren’t being human for me,” I said. “I’m perfectly happy with you the way you are. I guess you can be humans for yourselves, though.”

“Either way, I need practice,” she said. “I won’t let them out-cute me on my own turf!”

Says the one who hates being cute. “Was adopting Eva and the others a good idea, Love?” I asked.

“As a powerful noble that’s incapable of having offspring of your own, adopting children is vital,” Love said. “They can be raised into your most useful, loving, and loyal subjects. In turn, they’d get a much better life, power, and luxury. Eva’s special abilities make her more useful than some, but that matters a lot less if she’s helping Cadance instead of you.”

“Helping keep Cadance afloat is vital to me,” I said. “I certainly would like her at my side, but she’s fine where she is for now.”

“Do you think she’d also wanna be an eternafilly?” Taya asked.

“She’s probably smarter than that, so no,” I said. “She might not mind being an eternadult, though. Was that the only thing of note in this memory?”

“I can eke out another little nugget of wisdom for my favorite demi-human,” Love said, leaning forward to nuzzle me. It felt unnaturally warm and pleasant. “They originally planned to discuss the issue with Taya first, but chose to hasten the process after your stories. Remember that the events you face would be more than most could handle and hearing about them causes concern and worry. Using your trauma for cheap laughs and to get out of unwanted conversations is rude and can have all manner of consequences.”

“Like causing even more trauma,” Taya muttered.

I’m sorry for sharing my life stories with interested friends. “‘Kay.”

Love’s horn lit up and she lifted me up so she could more comfortably kiss me. Unfortunately, the killjoy guide hates fun things, so she pulled me away before I could get my fix of pure bliss.

“Have you seen all you wish to see?” my guide warmly asked, keeping me pressed firmly against her chest.

“Yep, I’m good,” I said. I couldn’t see her eyes flash from my position, but I could easily tell that everything went dark.

We appeared in the middle of a thick forest, standing in a glade covered completely in moss. Gourd was lounging on a mushroom in the shape of a couch. Kat was sitting across from him on a tree stump. Watcher was standing in front of the table sitting between the two, looking down at some documents on it.

“I would like you to explain these contracts,” Watcher said. “Very, very thoroughly.”

Kat slammed a knife into the table. “And depending on your answers, you might end up leaving as a gelding.”

“...Wait, what?” Gourd slowly said, eyes going wide.

“You defiled our lady while she was vulnerable,” Kat coldly replied. Her eyes went full psycho and a very small grin crossed her lips. “You’re lucky Watcher talked me into leaving any of your cock left at all. I was planning on force-feeding it to you.”

“A-and you’re just okay with this?” Gourd shakily asked, turning his wide eyes to Watcher.

“You defiled our lady while she was vulnerable,” Watcher said. “You’re lucky Kat talked me out of using Zecora’s cursed dagger on you and dumping you in the Everfree so your body would be picked clean by a monster after you bled to death. So you’re going to explain these contracts very thoroughly and, as she said, you might get to leave here intact. If we don’t like your explanation, I am going to hold you down, Kat is going to geld you, and then we’re going to go about our day.”

“Well alright then,” Gourd said, sitting up and looking much more attentive. “So, Kat. You went to the party, right? How was Nav acting that night?”

“Unusual,” she said. Her eyes lost their intensity and she leaned back. “It’s rare to see her spend time with us like that. She seemed happy enough until I lost sight of her.”

“Well, when I saw her on the deck, she was bawling her eyes out,” Gourd said. “Inconsolably crying and babbling about hating dresses and being a woman and all kinds of things. So once the ship was secure, I took her inside to try and calm her down. Taya was sleeping in Nav’s room, so I took her to mine.”

“Of course,” Kat said. “I’ve caught your gaze on our lady many times.”

“So?” Gourd said. “Your eyes are on her all the time! How many times have you slept with her, huh?”

“Since she became our lady, never,” Kat said. “Not that consensual relations matter. If she chose to defile herself upon you, that is a choice she is allowed to make. But I know what alcohol does to the mind.”

“You mistook the important part of our statement,” Watcher said. “We don’t care if you defile Nav. She’s openly admitted to being a slut, so being angry about that is pointless. The important part was her vulnerability. So talk.”

“While she was in my room, I managed to get her to stop crying. Instead, she started listing the things she hates. Those are on one of the contracts, but it’s not an exhaustive list. Some time after that, she began asking me for sex. I turned her down the first few dozen times, but as you said, she’s a slut. I’m pretty sure she also mentioned something about humans being in heat all the time a few weeks ago.”

Kat hissed and shivered. “I had no idea… Poor Nav…”

“I guess that explains some things,” Watcher said. “So she kept pestering you for sex. I assume these contracts involve one of those laws you found?”

“They sure do,” Gourd said. “I strongly considered using magic to put Nav to sleep, but I thought about it for a little while and realized I had an interesting opportunity. Nav really wanted something and I really wanted something. Aren’t you curious about how she really feels about everything? She never talks about it, but it’s clear she’s not happy. Seeing her like that just proved it for me.”

“I am,” Watcher said. “But I don’t see why you had to use sex to get what you wanted.”

“Nav was very drunk,” Kat said. “You could have gotten her to agree to anything just by asking nicely. Why did you agree to have sex with her?”

“I actually tried that,” Gourd said. “She said that, as a vassal, everything I owned was hers anyway, so I had no other collateral to sign away in a contract other than direct services rendered.”

“Did she actually say that while completely drunk?” Kat said.

“Not in those exact words,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “She was being more vulgar than usual, but her vocabulary actually somehow got better.”

“So instead of cutting your losses and calling it quits, you just gave in and had sex with her?” Watcher asked.

“How pissed was she after seeing the contracts?” Kat asked.

“For a moment, I thought I might not survive the morning,” Gourd sighed. “Guys, I know I did something bad. But I did it because I want to help our lady. She’s been keeping so much pain inside of herself for so long. I think we all know from experience just how untenable that is. Isn’t it our duty as friends and vassals to help her through this?”

“Was she worth possibly being your last?” Watcher asked.

“Yes. My only regret would be that she wasn’t sober.”

“Funny,” Kat said. “Your only regret would also be the same reason she was your last. It is our duty to help Nav, that is true. However…”

“I’m getting sick of the ends justifying the means,” Watcher said. “Be wary that the end you seek comes quickly, Gourd. If your means for helping Nav dip into this territory again, we’ll make good on our threat.”

“Nav is mine to please,” Kat said. “That is my place as her blood servant. If any of her vassals attend to her needs, it will be me!”

“I’m not suicidal enough to get between you and Nav,” Watcher said. “Just keep it consensual.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll break her will and make her mine soon,” Kat said. “I can’t wait to hold my precious lady again…”

“So how is that okay?” Gourd asked.

“Kat, are you going to use drugs to break Nav’s will?”

“No, I won’t need them,” she replied. “She’s easy enough to manipulate without them.”

“That’s why it’s okay,” Watcher said. “Nav lets herself get picked up all the time. If Kat can seduce her, I don’t see why that’s an issue. Besides, she’s a blood servant. I’m not sure what that means in cat culture, but it usually means that her entire being exists to help Nav. And if Nav is always in heat, it only makes sense that a blood servant’s duty would involve tending to her needs.”

“I tried presenting myself during the trip to Hawaii, but she wouldn’t have me,” Kat said. “I learned from my mistakes and will try again when she gets back. This time, I won’t let her slip from my grasp!”

“Seriously, this is sounding worse than what I did!” Gourd said.

“My love is pure!” Kat hissed.

“And on that note, I’m calling this meeting done,” Watcher said. “Since we have these contracts, we’ll use them. But the next time Nav gets drunk, we all sit down and carefully decide what goes into the next contracts and how we convince her to sign them.” Kat groaned and wrenched her knife out of the table. Gourd breathed a sigh of relief. With that, it all went gray.

“So how’s it feel to get defiled?” Taya asked.

“I don’t remember. I probably enjoyed it, though. So let’s get to it, I guess. What can we learn from this one?”

“Alcohol is bad,” Reason replied.

“And trusting people is impossible,” Rage added.

“Yeah, I’m going to be more careful about drinking,” I said. “Who did I make the mistake of trusting this time?”

“Gourd and Kat,” Rage said. “Kat is obviously crazy and Gourd was out for your womanhood ever since you got it.”

“I wouldn’t say that trusting either of them was necessarily a mistake, but putting Gourd in a situation where he could take advantage of me was dumb. And at this point, as long as Kat doesn’t actually hurt me or anyone I care about, I’m considering it a win. She’s obviously crazy, but I’m pretty sure part of that is just crazy love for me.”

“Kat’s definitely not going to hurt you,” Taya said. “Unless she cracks even harder, somehow.”

“You mean like learning how all of her love for Nav is due to the pull?” Reason asked. “She uprooted her entire life to follow Nav around the world, all because she’s being influenced.”

“Her life before sucked,” I said. “It’s probable the pull is what drew her to me, but she was correct when she told me that all of her choices before were bad ones. I’m hopeful she’ll remember how great of a lady I am after learning why she loves me so much. Plus, it’s not like she has anywhere else to go.”

“Another important thing to note is that your vassals are, in fact, conspiring against you,” Reason said. “The next time you get impaired, they might try to force more contracts on you.”

“Does it count as conspiring against you if they’re doing it for your sake?” Taya asked. “Didn’t you say talking about your problems is important and that the only reason you don’t do it is because you hate yourself?”

“Those aren’t the words I used,” I said, crossing my arms. “I’m sure it is good for me to get things off my chest, but being forced to do it has the opposite effect. Making me sign any contracts while I’m drunk will piss me off, even if they’re beneficial.”

“Sounds like a good reason to stop drinking,” Taya said.

“Agreed. Weed was pretty fun, but being impaired can bring more trouble than it’s worth.”

“And the last takeaway is something you didn’t even pay any attention to,” Reason said. “Kat said you were acting unusual. Her definition of unusual behavior, for you, is happily interacting with people.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty unusual,” Taya said. “Mommy does her best to stay unhappy all the time. Speaking of which, why haven’t I seen anyone for sadness yet? Aren’t you depressed all the time?”

“Depression isn’t sadness,” Rage said. “It’s emptiness. That’s not something so easily represented. Besides, Flo began curing it when she was inside of you, then Aqua finished it by the time she was removed. That’s a large chunk of the reason you started feeling ambition in the attack on the bunker.”

“I guess that explains some things,” I said. “Well, what’s done is done I guess. Yeah, it’s fair to say that getting along well with everyone is unusual for me. After all, putting up with everyone like that can be hard. Alcohol makes it easier. But man, fae are a pain to deal with sometimes.”

“Well gee, sorry for existing,” Taya sarcastically replied.

“I forgive you,” I said, patting her head. “With luck, removing the pull will fix a lot of that. It essentially makes people compete for my affection, which is a huge pain.”

“Do you really hate being showered with our love that much?” Taya asked.

“I start hating it the minute the option to say no disappears. Do you know how terrifying it is to have Kat completely obsessed with me? Hell, back when I was basically forced into dating Luna, I was almost constantly worried about being teleported into her grasp. The sisters usually asked for permission, but if either of them wanted me, they could get me from anywhere. That was always on my mind. And then Chrysalis got in on the action and actually asked me to marry her. Turning down that proposal was nerve-wracking. Any of the four of them could make me disappear without a trace in a heartbeat and until recently, there was nothing stopping them from doing so.”

“...You were scared?” Taya slowly asked.

“Almost all the time. The princesses terrified me. All the confidence I showed in front of you was fake. In the beginning, if they wanted me, there was nothing that could stop them. I might have been able to last a little while on the run, but not long. Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge now.”

“How much of your time with me was just an act?” Taya asked.

“Like you can talk, little miss cutie pie. The important thing is that going forward, we don’t have to act anymore. Just don’t be too much of a scumbag and we should be good.”

“‘Kay, I guess. Does that mean I should just strive to be better than you?”

“Yep. I’m doing my best to make it easy for you. So, if there aren’t any other takeaways, shall we carry on?”

“Did Kat actually break your will?” Taya asked.

“Sort of. The night we moved into the new house, she broke into my room while I was sleeping, cuddled as close to me as she could, and then played me like a fiddle until I gave in and let her do as she would. The fact that she was able to so easily break through my magical lock and wrap herself around me in my sleep was more than enough to prove that one way or another, it was going to happen. So I decided to give in, though I’m still not sure if it was the right choice.”

“It was,” Taya said. “Now at least you get to enjoy her insanity instead of just fear it. I’m ready to move on now.”

“As you wish,” the guide said. Her eyes lit up and we popped up to our next adventure.

We appeared on a large lilypad in the middle of a bog. A past version of Taya and Twilight were lying on it, looking over a book. The Taya standing next to me was looking around in wonder. There were several large groves of trees around and I could hear insects chirping, but there was no movement around us.

“I’ve never been here before,” present-Taya said.

“This is my tree thing acting up,” I said. “If you were both lying like this, you were probably on a bed or the floor.”

“Either way, can we skip it?” she asked. “I don’t want you eavesdropping on me!”

“Too bad,” I said. “Besides, I like seeing how my favorite pony spends her time.”

“Twilight’s your favorite?” Taya asked.

“Don’t be silly, that’s my job. Now let’s listen.” She huffed, but thankfully shut up.

“She’ll be coming back soon,” Twilight said, patting past-Taya on the head. “They already found the new fire elemental and are currently just waiting for permission to retrieve him.”

“Why would they need permission?” Taya asked. “This is mommy we’re talking about, with all thirteen water elementals behind her.”

“The owner of the volcano in which he resides is the gigantic leader of the dragons, Pyrite,” Twilight said. “Due to some... unforeseen diplomatic issues, Pyrite would likely be hostile if the elementals attempted to invade his domain without permission.” Understatement of a lifetime.

“...Issues?” Taya slowly said. “What did mommy do this time?”

“During this trip, I have come to understand Nav better,” Twilight sighed. “Every time she found some new stupid way of getting in trouble, I always made the mistake of blaming her for it. But this trip opened my eyes in a way that nothing else ever could, so I can safely come to this conclusion: It absolutely was not Nav’s fault, at least this time.”

“Whoa. So you’re saying she really messed up, huh?”

“While I haven’t gotten the full story, the blame seems to lie almost solely on Celestia, with a small chunk going toward Reginald. I’m confident that the full story would only marginally change the amount of blame to go around.”

“So mommy really, really fucked up…” Taya sighed, plopping her head on the lilypad.

The real Taya standing next to me groaned. “Mommy, jump in the water so you don’t have to listen!”

“Your lack of confidence in me hurts,” I replied. “I was, at most, five percent to blame. Reginald probably took fifteen to twenty percent. The rest was on Celestia.”

My filly didn’t reply, so the vision continued as Twilight leaned over to nuzzle Taya. “I’m sure she’ll be willing to tell you bits and pieces of her trip when she gets back. And when I get the full story from her, I’ll give you even more bits and pieces. Between the two of us, you can decide for yourself how much she screwed up. But until then, shouldn’t you think about ways to spend time with her when she gets back?”

“Nah, no need,” Taya said. “It would be too much of a bother for her. The only time she’ll spend with me is on the battlefield, so I’d rather worry about being more useful.”

Present-Taya groaned and jumped toward the water so she wouldn’t have to hear more, but I grabbed her tail and made her fall. A firm grip on her tail kept her from trying to scramble away.

“Don’t worry, this is far from the worst thing I’ve heard about myself,” I said. It probably wasn’t much of a comfort, though. She seemed to be too embarrassed to reply, still. Either that or she just wanted to get it over with.

“Tell me about it,” Twilight sighed. “Catching Nav’s attention is almost impossible unless you’re useful. The only way I could get her to agree to be my travel partner is by offering to write books for her!”

“Travel partner?” Taya said. “Is that what you’re calling it? Mommy just calls you a fuckbuddy.” That actually made Twilight blush. “Well, that’s one of the things she calls you. She also enjoys Twatlight Spankle.”

“And just like that, I need to have another conversation about what she says and where,” Twatlight Spankle replied. “I’ve found that if you want to spend time with Nav, you need to think outside the box. Being useful is the quickest way, but if you can pique her interest with something, she’ll be all yours.”

“Isn’t the only thing that piques her interest sex? I think we both know where that road went.”

“For you,” Twilight said with a small smile. “As for me… There’s a festival coming up soon in Gryphus. I plan to invite Nav.”

“I thought mommy didn’t do parties, festivals, events, parades, or anything else that might be fun.”

“She doesn’t… normally. But there’s something quite special about this festival that involves the date and season. It’ll be in the middle of next month.”

It took some time for the gears in Taya’s head to churn, but after a few grueling seconds, she blinked. “W-wait… Isn’t Valentine’s Day coming up?”

“Nope,” Twilight said. “Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up. This festival is right up that alley.”

“Oh yeah, the pony version of Valentine’s Day,” Taya said with a nod. A few seconds later, it really hit her. “W-wait. You’re taking mommy to a Valentine’s festival?!”

“I don’t care what Nav calls it, it’s Hearts and Hooves Day,” Twilight said. “And the festival itself isn’t based around that day, but… Let’s just say it’ll be easy for me to keep Nav’s interest while we’re there, assuming she decides to join me.”

“I wanna go!” Taya immediately said.

“Nope, not gonna happen,” Twilight just as quickly replied. “And that’s absolutely not a point I will budge on. If anyone goes, it’ll be just me and Nav. You’ll have to think outside of your own box, Taya.”

“That’s too hard,” she whined. “It’s much easier to just peek outside of yours instead and then copy it, but better!”

“Then I’ll add an extra detail, something I was hoping not to. This festival is for adults only. Even if I was willing to let you go, Nav would never forgive me if I did. So that’s the end of it. I’ll be happy to brainstorm ways you can spend time with Nav, but she’s mine at the festival.”

“Ugh, life is suffering,” Taya sighed.

“Don’t take Nav’s human sayings,” Twilight said. “Especially the more disturbing and macabre ones like that.”

“Fine, then I wish I had just died at birth!”

“No you don’t,” Twilight said. “If you had, you never would have met Nav. And I know Nav doesn’t mean it, because she never would have met you!” For the record, now that I had learned what Discord planned for me, I wished more than ever to have never been born. Not that this record means anything, since nobody will ever see it and anyone who does will be killed by the traps on the way out.

“I’m not sure that’s true, actually,” Taya dubiously said.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not,” Twilight said. “Pretend it’s true long enough and you’ll force her to believe it, too. Now, if you really do want to be useful, I think studying might be more helpful than talking.”

“Can’t we just go blow some things up?” Taya asked. “I mean, doesn’t Celestia have a training area for stuff like this?”

“It’s difficult to make a training area durable enough for either of us, unfortunately,” Twilight said. “I asked her a few times if I could set up a teleportation circle to a desert so I could practice there, but she was afraid I’d somehow make a desert worse. So for now, reading is your best bet.”

“Then I guess I’ll read,” Taya sighed, finally turning her head back to the book. With that, it all turned gray.

“So why did you think it was all my fault?” I asked, finally letting Taya’s tail go.

“Because it’s always your fault,” she said. “I mean, isn’t it?” With that, she stopped pouting and finally stood.

“Depends on who you ask, I guess. In my eyes, no. I guess if my filly can’t sympathize with me, I truly have failed as a mother…”

“Obviously,” the guide said. “The fact that she even wanted to be an eternafilly should have been enough of a hint for that.”

“Don’t bully mommy,” Taya said, her horn lighting up.

“So, what are the takeaways here?” I asked. “Or was the goal just to embarrass Taya?”

“You’re not very approachable,” Love said, appearing before us.

“And you’re almost impossible to please,” Passion added, suddenly standing next to Love.

“This one is Passion,” I said, nodding at Cadance. I couldn’t remember if Taya had seen her yet, so I decided to remind her. “And yeah, I’ve been told those things before. Not being approachable was on purpose, because I generally don’t want to be approached. Being impossible to please was partially because of depression and partially because the people trying to please me were dumb.”

“I’m pretty sure you made Pinkie cry a few times,” Taya said. “It was worse when you found a way to blow off the parties entirely, but even when you showed up and just didn’t participate, she still at least teared up.”

“Maybe she should have stopped forcing me to attend,” I said. “I refuse to take the blame for making someone feel sad after they forced me to do something I find miserable. I told all of them multiple times that I didn’t like parties. I feel zero guilt for making Pinkie cry over it.”

“Couldn’t you at least pretend?” the guide asked.

“Lying is wrong,” I replied, crossing my arms. “I assumed telling the truth would make her stop. Turns out, the ponies are both dumb and annoying.”

“...I’m a pony, too,” Taya softly said, her ears drooping.

“No, you’re a tree sister,” I said, patting her head. That actually made her grin and got her ears to perk back up. “That said, I can no longer pretend I’m not important. That means I need to become approachable. And now that I’m actually feeling motivated to get out and do things, I’m hoping I’ll be easier to please. That doesn’t mean I’ll start enjoying parties.”

“There are few things that stoke your fires,” Passion said. “At the moment, violence is one of them. Be wary that it does not become your driving force. That is something that must always be watched for on the battlefield, especially when at war.”

“The goal of the war on Tartarus is to scare everyone to the point where they won’t want to fight us,” I said.

“Which might have the opposite reaction and make everyone team up against you,” Love said. “Magitech artillery stationed on airships might make some wary, after all.”

“...That wasn’t my only idea,” I said. “Anyway, I’ll be in charge of the war effort. I’ll let the others handle diplomacy. I’m sure it’ll work out. If all else fails, I’ll just go for world conquest and hope I finish before Discord gets bored and kills everyone.”

“Very optimistic,” Passion replied, rolling her eyes.

“So how are we supposed to kill the demons, anyway?” Taya asked. “I thought they were invincible in Tartarus.”

“Nothing’s completely invincible,” I said. “If we can’t kill them, I’m sure we can find some way to contain them. I think Celestia said they were weak against iron and silver. We can use a heavy nailgun to crucify them on an iron cross, then encase the cross in molten silver followed by tungsten. Finally, either dump them in a huge pit or toss them into the sun with magic.”

“What does crucify mean?” Taya asked, tilting her head.

“The only way I’ll ever answer that question is if I have to do it to someone. Basically, it’s a torturous execution method.”

Taya snorted and looked over to the guide. “What does crucify mean?”

The guide cleared her throat and Pain appeared with a smile. A moment later, a cross appeared behind her. I decided to turn away so I didn’t have to watch. Unfortunately, I still heard the meaty thuds, Taya’s horrified gasps, and Pain’s horrific, maddening laughter.

“That is what crucify means,” the guide sweetly said when the last nail was driven. Pain was still giggling, but at least her cackle was gone. “Any more questions?”

“...Sorry for not trusting you, mommy,” Taya said. At least she finally managed to tear her eyes away from what was probably a grisly sight.

“So, anything else?” I asked, still facing the other way.

“Not necessarily,” Love whispered right next to my right ear.

“We’d be happy to stay here for a while,” Passion breathlessly added next to my left ear.

“While a threesome with Love and Passion would probably feel amazing, I’m not going to do it while my daughter is here and there’s a crucified cat looking down on us and giggling.”

“Tch, tease!” Pain called.

“Alright, let’s move on,” I said. The guide’s eyes lit up and we did just that.

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Nine

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Nine

We appeared in Fleur’s parlor. Fleur, Kat, and Blossom were sitting at a table. Kat and Fleur had tea. Kat wasn’t wearing gloves yet, so it was probably right before she got cursed.

“So, are we sure about our approach?” Blossom asked. “Once we kick this battle off, we won’t be able to retreat even an inch.”

“Retreat won’t be necessary,” Kat replied. “We just need to be firm and unyielding. If we lose focus for even an instant, all will be lost. But as long as we can hold out, we can easily, if slowly, cut through her defenses.”

“This battle may be one of the deciding ones,” Fleur sighed. “It’ll be difficult and hard-fought, but I’m sure we’ll prevail. I admit I’m a little worried, but…”

“Don’t be,” Kat said with a calm grin. “You’re leading the charge. If you show even a hint of weakness, she’ll tear you to pieces.”

“That’s right,” Blossom said, showing off her fangs with a cute smile of her own. “You can’t afford to worry or hesitate, Fleur.”

“I know, I know,” she said, plopping her head down on the table. The tea cups gently rattled. “But making Nav compete is really gonna upset her…”

“If she didn’t want to compete, she shouldn’t have suggested the idea,” Blossom said.

“She didn’t!” Fleur said. “He did! Nav already got herself turned into a noble lady… Should we really keep piling things like this onto her?”

“Of course,” Kat said. “It’s only natural for the great hero Nav to finally be lauded for her eternal beauty, as well.”

“...Aren’t you concerned about making her unhappy?” Fleur said. “What kind of behavior is that, for a vassal?”

“Nothing will ever, ever make Nav happy,” Kat said with a shrug. “I mean, she doesn’t even want to be alive, let alone forced to put up with all of us. To her, it’s all just shades of gray anyway. And to me, if she’s going to be miserable at home, she might as well be miserable while making a name for herself instead. As her vassal and blood servant, isn’t that the best I could hope for?” For some reason, all of that made Fleur look extremely alert. Blossom’s head sank to the table instead.

“...That’s really depressing,” Blossom quietly said.

“Indeed, it makes dealing with her almost impossible,” Kat said. “Oooh, will she be forced to smile at the pageant? She has the cutest fake smile!”

“...Doesn’t want to be alive?” Fleur slowly whispered.

“Yep,” Kat replied with a nod. “So, if we’re done planning our strategy for the pageant, I was wondering if you could help me plan something else.”

“Does it involve helping Nav?” Fleur asked. “And what was that about her not wanting to be alive?”

“What do you mean? That statement has everything you need to know in it. And yes, my second plan does involve helping her. Do you know what a blood servant is?”

“Is that… is that a ghoul?” Blossom asked. “Don’t tell me Nav got involved with another vampony!”

“Not that kind of blood servant,” Fleur said, though her eyes didn’t leave Kat. “You mentioned earlier that you were Nav’s blood servant. Doesn’t that essentially mean that you’re dedicating your family line to hers?”

“Indeed,” Kat said. “Fleur, you’ve read all the available human literature, right? Was there any mention of such a thing in them?”

“I’m afraid not. How well did you explain it to Nav before you pledged yourself?”

“I didn’t waste words explaining, because she just would have told me no. I still haven’t explained any of it to her, actually.”

“...Is that really fair?” Blossom asked. “I mean, isn’t that kinda like getting married, but without the consent?”

“It was at the same time she asked me to become a vassal,” Kat said. “Is that not the pony version of a blood servant?”

“It’s the closest standard equivalent, from what I’m understanding,” Fleur said. “But vassals only pledge their own lives, not the lives of their offspring. Do you need us to help you tell Nav what she signed up for?”

“No, I’ve already decided to reveal it little by little. She can’t tell me not to have kittens for her if I do it without asking first! What I need help with is a little different…”

“Is… is that really okay?” Blossom slowly asked.

“Nav is essentially immortal,” Kat said. “That means I won’t be able to serve her until her last breath. I must prepare the future generations to serve her while I still can. For now, I just need assistance seducing her.”

Blossom and Fleur stared at her in silence for a few seconds before they turned their gazes on each other. Finally, they both started giggling. “S-seduce her? That slut?” Fleur said.

“That should be easy!” Blossom said. “I mean, just look at you!”

“...Nav and I have a complicated and unpleasant past,” Kat said.

Blossom was still giggling, but Fleur stopped and got a more pensive look on her face. “It’s obviously pretty bad, if it means Nav won’t sleep with you. But it couldn’t be something unforgivable, or you wouldn’t be a vassal. That means you can still manage it, I bet!”

“Let’s start with why you want to seduce her,” Blossom said.

“What did the human literature have to say about human heat cycles?” Kat asked.

“It never mentioned them,” Fleur said.

“What about cities segregated by gender?”

“There was some gender segregation, but it didn’t have anything to do with heat cycles. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Why wouldn’t something so important be found in any of their literature at all?” Kat asked. “Surely it would merit at least a passing mention, maybe a joke or two.”

“...Are you saying humans don’t have heat cycles?” Blossom asked.

“According to Nav, they’re always in heat,” Kat replied with a nod.

“And just like that, so many things suddenly make sense,” Fleur said. “Both about Nav’s behavior and about the books I’ve read.”

“Poor Nav,” Blossom sighed. “I guess being a vampony isn’t all bad… I couldn’t imagine being in heat forever!”

“So my goal, as Nav’s blood servant, is to help ease her burden when no one else is available,” Kat said. “But due to our history, she distrusts my intentions. While I want to bring her only joy and pleasure, she fears something more sinister.”

“She’s really pliable right after waking up,” Blossom said. “But you need to make sure to actually have a way to wake her up, unless you just wait for it to happen.”

“Can’t you just gently shake her?” Fleur asked.

“No, Nav’s beyond a heavy sleeper,” Kat said. “You can do whatever you want to her while she’s sleeping and she’ll never notice. It takes magic, an elemental, or pain to wake her.”

“Surely you jest,” Fleur said. “That’s just ridiculous!”

“It’s magical, actually,” Blossom said. “I talked it over with her elemental when I tried waking her last time. Apparently it’s because she’s part tree.”

“I used to sneak into her room at night and cuddle with her, since Flo didn’t mind,” Kat said with a nod. “But I have an elemental I can use to wake Nav up, so that’s no problem. If it’ll be while she’s sleeping, I can use the opportunity to cuddle with her beforepaw so she can’t say no!”

“Exactly,” Fleur said with a nod. “If Nav wakes up to your cute smile and warm grasp, I’m sure she’d realize you never meant harm!”

“...Are you sure that won’t just scare her?” Blossom asked. “I mean, have you already tried talking this over with Nav?”

“Of course,” Kat replied. “She said no. That’s why I’m asking you for help.”

“Shouldn’t you just take the rejection…?” Blossom asked.

“I did take it. That’s why I’ve been preparing so thoroughly for my next and final attempt. She won’t be able to reject me again. I’ll make sure of that.”

“That’s so romantic!” Fleur sweetly said. “You truly are the ideal servant for Navi, Kat!”

“Didn’t that sound like a threat to you?!” Blossom said.

“Don’t be silly!” Fleur said, waving a hoof. “With Nav’s personality, I bet waterworks would nail her down. Why don’t you try crying a little, Kat?”

“Oooh, that’s a good idea,” she said. “I haven’t tried poking at that weakness before… Breaking her might be easier than I thought!” Fleur and Kat both start laughing while Blossom looked on in a mix of fear and confusion. With that, the memory finally went gray.

We all stared at the silent scene for about a minute before I loudly sighed. “God dammit.”

“So this is how a true predator plans her strikes,” Taya whispered. “I guess I still have a lot to learn…”

“Please don’t base your view of predators on Kat,” I said. “She’s on an entirely different level. Plus, that whole exchange just made me feel like an object. Shit like this is exactly why I want to get rid of my pull.”

“Remember how I said Fleur was just manipulating you?” Taya asked.

“Yeah. I knew we would be manipulating and using each other, but I wasn’t expecting her to be so shameless about it. That said, I don’t know if I can find it in me to hold it against any of them.”

“Why not?” Fear asked as she finally appeared.

“I knew Kat was crazy when I made her a vassal, so any of her bad behavior is basically on me by default,” I said with a shrug. “And agreeing to make her a blood servant without first asking what that meant was only asking for trouble. After everything I’ve seen, I can only say that I brought all of this on myself. I ignored my instincts telling me not to trust Kat. Because of that, she’s tied to me so tightly there is no longer a way to remove her.”

“And you aren’t concerned about her working with Fleur against you?” Reason asked, appearing next to Fear.

“Just as choosing to work with Kat was on me, so was choosing to work with Fleur,” I replied. “I knew they were both manipulative, deceitful monsters from the beginning. And they never would have found each other if I hadn’t brought them together. It’s no surprise that I was one of their favorite topics and it’s even less of a surprise that they were plotting against me. The only surprise here is how blatant they are about it. I thought Fleur was more subtle.”

“So, what, you’re just resigned to being surrounded by shitty people?” Fear asked.

“I’m not surrounded by any people. All I have to work with are half-fae, half-animal. By definition, that means almost everyone is going to be shitty until I fix my pull. And even then, compared to what I consider normal, most of them will still be shitty.”

“...Kat and Fleur were shitty before they met you,” Reason said. “Are you sure you aren’t just making excuses for them?”

“Of course I’m just making excuses for them,” I sighed. “But what else can I do? I’m bound too closely to both of them now. I can’t just cut them off. And without using the elementals, I can’t unfuck their personalities directly. All I can do is fix myself, remove the pull, and try to set a better example so they can fix themselves. And then, when they finally die of old age, I can look back on what a huge mistake it was and resolve to make better choices in companions in the future. Until then, I have to take responsibility for Kat’s insanity and deal with Fleur’s… Fleurness.”

“Unless we just use a water elemental to fix them,” Taya said.

“I’m planning on talking to Kat about that. I don’t think Fleur needs a lobotomy, though.”

“If you choose to marry for love instead of power, would you ever consider Kat, assuming she wasn’t insane?” Reason asked. “She definitely loves you, probably more than anyone else. If she wasn’t so creepy, think how adorable she’d be!”

“If she wasn’t so creepy, she wouldn’t be Kat,” I said. “Besides, the way my life is going, whoever I marry will probably be fine with Kat servicing me on the side. Whether or not I’m fine with it is something I’ll have to decide later.”

“So are we just gonna overlook Blossom in all this?” Fear asked.

“She was the chosen one,” I said. “The one who was supposed to bring balance to Fleur and Kat!”

“I think that might be asking a little too much,” Taya said. “Kat’s full of the kind of crazy only you can give someone, mommy. Blossom never stood a chance. With Fleur there too? It’s no surprise she just got swept away like that.”

“This is why I can’t have nice things, Taya. Do you believe me now when I say everyone was conspiring against me?”

“I believed you from the start,” she smugly replied, hopping up to hug me. “After all, I did plenty of my own conspiring!”

“You certainly couldn’t be Nav’s filly if you weren’t a conniving, scheming little conspirator,” the guide warmly said, patting Taya on the back.

“That’s not very nice,” I said. “So, is the main takeaway just that the three of them are doing dumb shit behind my back?”

“Basically,” Reason said. “It surprises me that you’re okay with this.”

“I’m not okay with it. It’s just, compared to some of the other stuff I’ve seen so far, this is tame. Plus, I already suspected something like it happened anyway. I’m afraid it’ll take a lot more to really piss me off, now.”

“So, ready to move on?” the guide asked.

I finally let Taya down and she dropped back to the floor. “Let’s do it,” I said with a nod. Her eyes lit up and we kicked it.

We appeared in Rarity’s boutique. She was lounging on a pompous and overdecorated couch. Twilight and the rest of their important friends were chilling on their own couches in a general circle. Several of them had small tables with tea next to them, but most of the cups were untouched.

“So, is Nav back yet?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“She is,” Twilight said, her voice sounding somewhat grim. Even her face seemed tense. “Quite a lot of things happened while she was gone, too. I also have another large history lesson that I’m afraid you’ll all have to sit through.”

“Is Nav… okay?” Fluttershy asked. Her voice was quivering a little.

“Physically, yes,” Twilight said, hanging her head. “But… I’m quite confident she was thoroughly traumatized. Everything snowballed out of control so quickly that there was nothing we could do…”

“Where is she now?” Rarity asked. “And what about Spike?”

“They’re both in Canterlot. I think they have plans to stay there for a while to recover. Spike wasn’t affected nearly as much as Nav, but… It would be easier to start from the beginning with the history lesson.”

“Bullshit!” Pinkie shouted, making her friends all blink. “What happened to Nav?!”

“For starters, she was tortured,” Twilight said. That definitely got their attention, and even made Taya flinch. “But if you won’t let me start at the beginning, I won’t tell you anything else.”

They all clearly wanted to press her for more details, but Applejack took the lead with a simple, “Start talkin’, then.”

“This is the history as I know it. A very long time ago, when Discord was still free, he attacked Iceland. While he was there, he injured a dragon named Pyrite, casting him into a volcano that happened to house Char, the fire elemental. Char took advantage of the situation and embedded himself into Pyrite, but wasn’t strong enough to completely control him. Over time, Char’s influence turned Pyrite into an effective, if eccentric, ruler. Some enormous amount of time later, Discord appeared in Equestria. Pyrite sent a dragon named Reginald to assist the ponies. He partnered with Luna and together, they defeated several monsters to help the ponies survive. After Discord was sealed, Reginald continued working with Luna for another vast amount of time.”

“So if he’s such a big hero, why haven’t we heard of him?” Dash asked.

“Censorship,” Twilight replied with a shrug. “Celestia wanted to be the sole hero, so she got rid of all the history she didn’t like, including what came next. Eventually, a powerful and influential dragon in Iceland named Bahamut started selling his own eggs to pirates. Reginald and Luna worked together to discover his crimes, but Bahamut used his influence to paint them as kidnappers of the egg they recovered. Pyrite knew the truth, but due to his condition, he couldn’t convince enough dragons. In the end, Bahamut was advocating for a full-scale war against the ponies to cover up his crime.”

“Was there no other proof they could find?” Rarity asked. “Surely there had to be something that could sway the tide!”

“They had all the proof necessary to prove Bahamut was guilty, of course,” Twilight said. “But Nav learned a very important lesson on her trip. To dragons, strength is truth, and Bahamut was strong enough for dragons to flock to him. Evidence meant nothing to them. In the end, Reginald, Pyrite, Luna, and Celestia came up with a treaty. Unfortunately, the conditions of the treaty were sickening. In order to maintain the peace and to avoid a huge calamity that could risk entire continents, the dragons agreed to give the ponies one egg every ten years as a hostage.”

“That’s evil!” Fluttershy yelled. That seemed strange, since I’m pretty sure she was terrified of most dragons. “I know things were bad, but how could the princess let that happen?!”

“Princess Celestia is just a mare,” Twilight said with a sigh. “I’m afraid that’s something Nav has forced me to realize. Unfortunately, mares can be evil. Another vast amount of time later, a certain naive filly was taking a certain magic test on a certain egg that happened to be a prisoner of war. That innocent, naive filly used her magic to hatch said egg, giving a certain evil mare the perfect tool to use against the dragons. As it so happened, that evil mare was very likely waiting for such an opportunity, because the dragon egg that filly hatched happened to be a very special one. In fact, it was the very same egg that kicked off the whole ordeal, belonging to a certain egg-selling evil dragon. Now that the evil mare had the evil dragon’s son in her hooves, she could do all kinds of evil things…”

“You can’t be serious,” Rarity slowly said. “T-Twilight…” All of them seemed crestfallen at the news, including Twilight.

“After the treaty was signed, Reginald returned to Iceland,” Twilight said. Apparently she was dropping the act and going back to old history. “While he was there, Bahamut and his forces ambushed him. Luna came to assist, but she could only barely fend them off. Celestia eventually came to her aid and rescued them both. In return, she demanded that Luna cut contact with Reginald as much as possible and to not interfere with Iceland again. According to Nav, losing her friend was a large part of what drove Luna to become Nightmare Moon.”

“So even that was Celestia’s fault!” Applejack shouted.

“After all the dust settled, Bahamut began consolidating his forces,” Twilight said. “Eventually, Iceland settled into a few factions. The two most powerful were headed by Bahamut and Pyrite. Bahamut created some kind of organization called the Purifiers. From what Nav said, they were a very militaristic group that ruled with a mostly fair yet very iron fist. Reginald was their number one enemy, with Celestia as a close second. On Pyrite’s side, everything eventually broke down on gender lines. Pyrite’s mother, a dragon named Tintaglia, was trapped inside his fortress. Since she was stuck in the room that housed the entirety of Pyrite’s hoard, her own power grew and she began ruling over the female dragons. Unfortunately, being stuck underground so long drove her completely insane.”

“...That’s bad, right?” Pinkie slowly asked.

“When Nav left for Iceland, she knew none of this,” Twilight said. “She arrived in Iceland, in dragon form, with Spike and Reginald. The instant they arrived, they met a purifier. As soon as he learned who Reginald was, things got awkward. Unfortunately, the purifier chose to talk instead of attacking immediately. From him, Nav learned some of the history about Reginald and Bahamut. In the end, Nav and Spike went with the purifier in an attempt to learn more about Spike’s past.”

“Why?” Fluttershy asked. “Staying with Reginald would have been so much safer! Didn’t she go there to find the elementals in the first place?!”

“Several reasons,” Twilight said. “First, to learn more about the purifiers and why they hated Reginald. After all, Nav didn’t know anything about the situation or about Reginald’s past, so for all he knew, Reginald really was evil. Second, the water elementals were on an island to the south of Iceland. Reginald was heading north while the purifiers were concentrated in the south. That would give her a base of operations closer to the elementals. Third, both Nav and Spike wanted to see more of the dragon homeland. They had no way of knowing what kind of mess they were walking into.”

“Nav needs to get it together already,” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “Hasn’t she realized yet that she’s a hero? She doesn’t get to have easy trips. If she goes somewhere, trouble will find her one way or another. The sooner she comes to terms with it, the easier her life will be!”

“Yeah, well, fuck you too,” I said, crossing my arms.

“I think that might have been a compliment,” Taya said. “At least, sort of.”

“It’s rude to spout nonsense,” Twilight said, cutting Pinkie short. “I think we all know what Nav would do to you if she heard you say that. Anyway, the two of them learned a lot more of the history from Bahamut himself when he arrived at the purifier sanctuary. That night, Nav used dream magic to speak with Luna and Celestia to learn even more. She also happened to completely infuriate Celestia in the process, giving her a very well-deserved tongue-lashing.”

“Way to go, Nav!” Dash said. “But uh… isn’t that dangerous?”

“The guards will probably talk about how hard she sparred against Blaze for years,” Twilight said with a smirk. “The next day, Nav and Spike got caught and were forced to reveal a part of the truth. In the end, Bahamut rallied his forces with the intent of killing Pyrite and Reginald, then attacking Equestria. They carried Nav and Spike for the assault on Pyrite’s stronghold. When they arrived, Pyrite and Reginald came out. Nav realized that Pyrite was under the control of a fire elemental and convinced Char to leave Pyrite. After that, Pyrite very soundly defeated Bahamut. He then sent a messenger to Celestia, demanding the return of the eggs.”

“...So Bahamut was the one who tortured Nav?” Rarity asked.

“No, that was Pyrite,” Twilight said. “After Bahamut was defeated, Pyrite forced all the dragons to obey him. Once the purifiers submitted, Pyrite dragged Nav into his fortress and began torturing her for information. Apparently he wanted to know about the elementals, Discord, the princess, and basically every other facet of the outside world. Nav cooperated, but that only spared her the worst of it. As an upside, Spike was completely unharmed. Pyrite spoke with him at length, but Nav was the only one hurt.”

“Wasn’t Nav their savior, though?” Fluttershy asked. “Why would Pyrite hurt her?”

“Pyrite knew Nav wasn’t a dragon, and that angered him,” Twilight replied. “Dragons are very prideful. Knowing that Nav was masquerading as a dragon, causing trouble, and had a connection to the being who had controlled him for so long made him ornery. Unfortunately, Nav’s troubles only grew. Right as her treatment was improving, she was kidnapped by female dragons. They brought her to meet Tintaglia, the ancient insane mother of Pyrite.”

“Did she torture her even more?” Rarity quietly asked.

“Tintaglia was, as Nav put it, as stereotypically motherly as one could get,” Twilight said. “To the point where it was quite clearly past insanity. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what she meant by that, but her voice sounded so cold and distant when she told me that I knew pressing for more information would be bad. I’m probably not supposed to tell you all this, but Nav described her as Fluttershy on steroids, mixed with more raw power than an entire herd of elephants, with a mind more full of screws and nuts than even Pinkie’s.”

“No wonder she was traumatized,” Dash muttered, glancing over at Pinkie. The pinkest of ponies ignored it, thankfully.

“So after Nav was kidnapped and dragged to the most powerful dragon alive… Tintaglia adopted her on the spot,” Twilight said. Everyone blinked and looked around, perhaps wondering if they heard that correctly. “As thanks for saving her son’s life, Tintaglia forced Nav to become her daughter. And appalled at Nav’s treatment at Pyrite’s claws, she forced Nav to stay in her chambers. There, she proceeded to spoil her new baby hatchling. Given her insanity… It didn’t go so well.”

“That’s… terrifying,” Applejack said, shuddering. “Poor Nav…”

“I’m starting to feel sorry for Tintaglia,” Rarity said. “What was she even doing down there?”

“Her mind may have started going before she was trapped,” Twilight said. “Char seems to have kept her around for some reason, but I’m not sure why. Given her power and mental state, he didn’t want her roaming free. Somehow, he kept her in that chamber until she was too large to leave. Eventually, once all of the eggs had been gathered, Nav was allowed to leave her grasp. He somehow convinced Pyrite to allow the water elementals to free Char. Pyrite told them the truth about Spike’s father. With that, they were finally allowed to return to Equestria.”

“So why did Celestia just give the eggs back?” Rarity asked.

“She knew she couldn’t stand against Pyrite with his mind unshackled,” Twilight said. “While Nav was working in Iceland, I was working in Equestria. Kat and I broke into a few of Celestia’s archives in search of more information to help Nav. Kat was using one of Nav’s cursed items and it eventually backfired. She became cursed and we both ended up getting caught. Celestia imprisoned all of Nav’s supporters, including me, in a time dilation field so Nav would have no way of contacting us. Because of that, I had no way of contacting her for several days and wasn’t able to learn about most of this until it was too late to even offer a word of encouragement…”

“I can’t believe Celestia would imprison you…” Fluttershy whispered, finally starting to cry.

“Kat’s curse is simple, but debilitating,” Twilight said. “Both of her paws permanently alter anything or anyone they touch. She has to wear gloves at all times now. It also came with a huge mental shock, since apparently her mind got stuck in a labyrinth the moment she was hit by the curse. From what she told us, it was brutal. Be extremely cautious around her in the future, as it’s possible she’ll be even more volatile.”

“She belongs in a padded cell,” Pinkie said. “I don’t know how Nav stands being around her.” Ironic, coming from you.

“She’s useful and sexy,” Rarity said. “Nav can probably ignore any underlying mental conditions given those two assets. And no matter how dangerous Kat may get, I have a feeling she would never disobey or hurt Nav.”

“I can vouch for that,” Dash said with a nod. “She’s crazy, but loyal to the bone. I can guarantee it.” I guess if the element of loyalty says it, it’s probably true.

“And for the last bit of news, Nav plans to buy a house to live in Canterlot,” Twilight said. “I’m not sure if she has one picked out yet, though. Given everything that happened, it’s likely she’ll spend most of her time there. If you want to see her, you’ll have to visit.”

“As soon as you have the address, let us know,” Rarity said with a nod. “I have a feeling Nav would never say a word unless we actually asked, after all.”

“I think Nav might have bigger things on her mind,” Applejack said. “She’s down and out right now. Is Celestia still upset?”

“Absolutely,” Twilight said. “I don’t think it’s past the point of no return, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia’s taking countermeasures against Nav as we speak. It’s not possible for her to get rid of Nav immediately after making her a noble, but that doesn’t mean Celestia’s going to sit idly by. That’s why I intend to stay in the palace and do my best to keep an eye on her. I’ll also do my best to calm her down and reconcile the two of them before things get out of hoof.”

“I think it’s far too late for that,” Pinkie said. “We’ve already decided Nav’s a hero. That means it’s basically her job to root out evil, right? It’s only a matter of time before they clash!”

“I’m with Pinkie on this one,” Dash said, nodding. “I vote we contact Nav and tell her she has our support.”

“I’m not really sure she’d think much of that, though,” Applejack said. “The Elements of Harmony ain’t exactly done much recently, after all. The only one of us that might stand a chance against Celestia is Twilight, and Nav’s not dumb enough to think Twilight would side with a tyrant. Still, it would be good to let her know we won’t back Celestia up. I really, really don’t want Nav to think we might be enemies.”

“I think Nav would do her best to make sure we didn’t get involved,” Fluttershy said. “But even if we can’t really help… I still think she should know where our hearts lie.”

“I don’t like what Celestia’s doing, but I don’t think a clash would be good for Equestria,” Rarity said. “Instead of supporting one side or another, we should push for reconciliation. If we can reform Nightmare Moon, I’m sure we can reform Celestia.”

“Yeah, up until we die of old age,” Pinkie replied. “Besides, there’s no way we’d ever know if she was doing anything evil behind the scenes, anyway. She’s been hiding it for at least a thousand years, after all. For all we know, we could just wake up one day and Nav and all of his friends and crew will be gone, as if they had never existed. What would we do then?”

“To be fair, what could we even do to stop that, anyway?” Twilight asked. “The only thing we could do is proactively fight Celestia, but that’s unthinkable. Celestia may just be a mare, but she’s an incredibly powerful one who’s been alive for a very long time. Killing her may not be possible at all.”

“As important as it might be, I vote that we shelve the talk of treason for now,” Rarity said. “Instead, we should discuss what to do about our friend who was tortured. And our other friend, who just learned his father sold him into slavery.”

“I’m planning on inviting Nav to something soon,” Twilight said. “I’m hoping that’ll help take her mind off things.”

“I also… invited her to something,” Dash said with the barest hint of a blush. “I’m not sure when she’ll have time, but it better be soon!”

“I’ll plan a party here in Ponyville for Nav to ditch,” Rarity said with a nod. “She won’t be expecting it from me, so we might actually catch her off guard. Twilight, you can follow Nav when she leaves early and invite her then.”

“You’re… planning a party knowing she’ll ditch?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. “Why not just plan a party she can’t ditch?”

“You’ve tried that more than once,” Applejack said. “Nav always finds a way. I think Rarity has the right idea. If we wanna plan a party for Nav, it has to be with the knowledge she won’t actually like the party.”

“...Then why plan the party at all?” Fluttershy slowly asked.

“Just because Nav ditches doesn’t mean the rest of us will,” Rainbow Dash replied with a shrug. “She may hate being with all of us at the same time, but that doesn’t mean she actually hates all of us. I’d say Nav hates, at most, two of us.”

“It’s true that some of us tend to get rowdy at get-togethers…” Rarity quietly said. “But if she can enjoy festivals full of random people on the other side of the world, why can’t she enjoy spending time with all of us?”

“We’re getting off topic again,” Twilight said. “I think it’s safe to say at this point that… Nav might not like parties. But that’s not important right now. What else should we try and do with Nav? When she got back, she looked so… drained. I’ve only ever seen her like that after Antarctica.”

“I’m not meaning to be rude with this question, but does she really have time for much?” Applejack asked. “I know she just went through something awful, but she’s a noble now, with vassals and a household to manage. Plus, she needs to deal with Celestia’s anger. There’s no telling what other hijinks she might get into. Like Pinkie said, there’s something about Nav that attracts trouble.”

“That’s all true,” Rarity said, nodding. “We also have to consider that Nav’s vassals and daughters might have plans to help her. I say we talk to her soon to learn her schedule and see what we can do from there. Twilight and Rainbow both have plans with her, so the party should be a good sounding board to see what else we can do with her. So now, I think we should consider what to do about Spike.”

“We’re not going to try hooking him up with a stallion,” Pinkie flatly said.

“And we’re definitely not going to have him show off another dress!” Rainbow Dash added.

“We’re also not going to sign him up for ballet classes behind his back,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

The looks that Fluttershy and Applejack gave Rarity were very withering. “...Ballet?” Applejack quietly asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Is that why you asked me to make a puffy purple tutu?” Fluttershy asked, a calm yet slightly scary smile coming to her face.

“...Obviously we’re not going to do any of those things,” Rarity said, then loudly cleared her throat. “A-ahem… I was hoping you would help me come up with ideas, you see… U-um, girls? I’m really not sure why you’re all s-staring so intently at me…” Apparently talking about Spike wasn’t really relevant to me, so the memory finally went gray. Rarity was nervously sipping at her tea cup while all of her friends glared at her.

“Planning parties you know I’m gonna ditch?” I asked. “That’s some next-level bullshit, right there.”

“I’ve got something of a strange question,” Taya said. “Do you really even want to rule over fae? Even without your pull, try to imagine putting up with others like them until the end of time. I mean, I do want you to be super famous and powerful and everything, but… Everything I’m seeing makes me hate everyone more and more!”

“Fucking tell me about it,” I sighed. “To be honest, I really don’t want to rule over any of the established kingdoms, precisely because a ton of people like these girls exist. Marrying Celestia would feel weird because we mind-wiped her, Gilda is too immature, and Moonbeam made a weird deal with Discord and lives underground. Ruling over the ponies would probably mean a bunch of pomp and ceremony, though I could use Celestia to get out of most of the nonsense. Marrying Gilda would probably involve the least headache when it comes to ruling, but it would also give me the least influence. It would also put me in charge of changing the minds of a proud, warlike race who don’t want their princess to be married to a weird tree-ape or to be making technology. Marrying Chrysalis would probably give me the most freedom. If I can be sure she’s not being controlled by Discord and if I can convince her to move above-ground, she’d be my first choice. If I’m going to live long, I’d like to have power to influence things. Unfortunately, in every case, I’d have to deal with annoying fae.”

“There are many different kinds of power,” Pride said. “You have money and with the power of Jonathan, you have the ability to essentially build a city from the ground up in record time. Surely it wouldn’t be that difficult to build a quarantine city for the humans you rescue. If you rule over it, you won’t have to deal with fae anymore.”

“That sounds interesting, but I have no right to rule over humans,” I said. “I’m sure some of them would be happy to follow me after I bring them forward in time, but enough of them would resist that maintaining power would be impossible. I may not die, but I wouldn’t stay in control forever. Marrying either Moonbeam or Celestia would probably guarantee me longevity of power.”

“There are other ways to do that, too,” Fear said, stepping out from behind Pride. “But you’ve been holding back. You’ve been afraid to break the world.”

“I don’t know if afraid is the right word for it,” I said. “Some of the things I wanted to do were way too otherworldly for most people to accept right from the beginning. I wasn’t really sure where to start.”

“What do you mean?” Taya asked.

“I listened in on some of Silver Quill’s talks with Gourd and Sketch about trading,” I said. “As it so happens, intercontinental trading is done mostly by trains, because they can hold so much weight. But there are a ton of places that it’s hard for trains to reach, due to the geography and a few other factors. If I can make a fleet of airships, I can reach all of those places that usually have to be serviced by wagons. That fleet of airships can also be used to transport cargo across the ocean faster than any boat can. That means there’s a ton of money to be made, if you can get the ships and crew.”

“...How’s that so otherworldly?” Taya asked. “We’re on an airship all the time.”

“How many others have we seen out there?” I asked. “They’re prohibitively expensive, even if you have a used sea boat. But if Jonathan can make engines like the one in that huge ship, he can help pump airships out on the side while they’re building things for the Tartarus invasion. After that, I can build skydocks as warehouses in various trading hubs and use those to spread economic influence.”

“There’s also the golems,” Pride said. “Can’t forget about those.”

“If you can use runes to make all kinds of things, we can make a ton of stuff from my old world. I can use golems as labor to make train tracks in places no one else can work, giving me even more options for trade. I’ve got a ton of ideas to spread my influence without the use of royalty, Taya. Even spreading humanity’s books, art, and music has given me a ton of power and influence. Just a suggestion of mine sparked a mostly world-famous fashion show.”

“I’m not really sure how money is power, but isn’t that enough?” Taya asked. “Do you really want to rule over everyone with royal power?”

“Not really, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep us both safe,” I said. “We’ve tamed all the major players around us… for now. And in doing so, I became a major player myself. But having the guaranteed backing of an actual state with real soldiers is almost enough for me to sell my hand in marriage. Add in all the other benefits from schmoozing around with royalty and it’s finally enough. I really don’t want to marry into power, but not marrying into power when I know I can might bite me in the ass later.”

“It also ties you to a future that you won’t be able to run from,” Taya said.

“True. To be honest, I don’t really have to get married. I just know that I can’t keep slutting around all the time. If I’m going to date, I’m going to date with the purpose of getting married. Otherwise, I might as well just stick to a small number of fuckbuddies.”

“There are other, other types of power,” Pride said. “The element of magic would bring a prestige of its own, if you use it correctly…”

“True. Marrying Twilight would link me to the magic and technology research community. But marrying her would just leave me in a permanent shadow, since I have no aptitude for magic and no real ability to make most tech.”

“Well, no aptitude for magic yet,” Taya said. “That might change when you get a soul.”

“True. And since any chance of marriage relies on me getting a soul, we might as well drop it until then. We keep going back to it and it keeps changing my mind. I’ll obviously have to think about it for a while. Let’s get back to actually discussing this memory.”

“Good idea,” Fear said with a nod. “I hate being ignored. So, what’s the point in spending time with those girls, again?”

“I like some of them,” I said, shrugging. “But I do imagine time will be more limited in the future. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to spend with them, but I’ll probably try and stay in contact with the ones I don’t dislike. But to be honest, aside from Twilight, their lives only intersect with mine on the ship. I guess it’s interesting to see their reactions to what happened. It’s also fun to watch them slowly realize how much I hate parties. Otherwise, though, there really wasn’t all that much here.”

“Notice how none of them focused on your glory,” Pride said.

“Of course not. They were too shocked to hear I was tortured to think about what I helped bring about. I helped unify Iceland. In doing so, I removed a growing thorn in the dragon’s side by returning their eggs. That said, the whole journey was a trainwreck from start to finish. I even literally murdered a guy. A lot of really important things happened, but I don’t know if I can say I’m proud of it all. Especially since I got locked up in two different dungeons, plus tortured. Then, somehow worse, I was smothered by an insane, ancient dragoness.”

“She’s my grandmother now, right?” Taya asked. “Didn’t you mention something about having to go see her again at some point?”

“I really hope she forgot. Do you think Twilight still blames herself for hatching Spike’s egg?”

“I don’t know if blame is the right word,” Fear said. “Twilight knows she was used and that what happened wasn’t her fault. Of course, that doesn’t stop her from feeling bad about it, but that’s to be expected.”

“She’ll heal in time,” Pride said with a shrug. “What do you plan on doing with Spike’s loyalty?”

“Nothing in particular. I’m sure our friendship will prove bountiful in time, though. If I ever decide to start a bank, I don’t think I’d want anyone other than a dragon in charge of it. Who else would have the time and greed to sit at the top of a ludicrous pile of wealth and still only think of ways to get more? A dragon has quite a lot of time to wait for a loan to be paid, after all…”

“Isn’t a dragon better for fighting?” Taya asked. “I think you’re forgetting what’s important, mommy.”

“No, you just haven’t realized what’s important yet because you’re still a filly,” I said. “We’re fighting a lot… now. Once I get enough money and power, I can get other people to fight for me. Finding ways to stack money on money, power on power, and influence on influence is more important than being able to fight, when you’re looking on time-scales in the hundreds to thousands of years. If I plan things correctly, in one or two hundred years, there won’t even be reasons to fight anymore.”

“But… but that’s so boring!” Taya shouted. “What’s the point in planning for the future if you don’t get to spend time with me?! All I’m good for is murder!”

“I’ll always need my own personal defense filly around,” I said. “You probably won’t really get to see much action, but you’ll still get to spend time with me. Besides, you’re good at other things. Like… looking cute! And… magic in general, to be honest. You’re talented enough to pass most of the opening tests at the mage’s tower, at the very least. That means there’s plenty you can do, if you set your mind to it.”

“...Can we at least fight a little? I mean, what’s the point of having backup bodies if we never even get to use them?”

“I’m sure we probably will end up fighting. I’m just trying to be idealistic. Besides, even if Spike becomes a banker, he’ll still be a dragon. That counts for more than an army of ponies, at the very least.”

“Tch. You’re supposed to be a warrior, mommy.”

“Time changes us all. I like fighting, but I prefer being safe. Anyway, let’s get back to the coma. To be honest, talking about those girls is kinda hard.”

“They’re truly forgettable, aren’t they?” Fear asked, shaking her head sadly.

“That’s not the correct word. I’m just so used to dealing with them now that nothing they said shocked me enough to make an impact.”

“Then maybe it’s time to move on,” Pride said. “You have ambitions and goals. Do you think spending more time with the has-been heroes is really beneficial?”

“Friends are friends, useful or not,” I said. “Sure, relationships are supposed to be transactional, but being around some of them is entertaining enough to pass. Besides, I’m pretty sure Rarity will let me help her plan out a clothing chain, as long as I promise to solely stay on the business side. That would give me another source of income and influence, plus help her out as well.”

“Too late,” Taya said. “She’s already using the money from Reginald’s hoard to open a few new locations.”

“Fair enough. It’s probably not a good idea to mix business together with friendship, anyway. In that case, the only real use I have for most of the girls is to spend time with. That probably means I’ll slowly drift apart from most of them in the future, but I guess that’s the way of life.”

“Most of them are boring or annoying anyway,” Taya said. “I’m much happier in Canterlot, living with our vassals.”

“Agreed. Being able to order people to leave me alone is a godsend. Are there any other takeaways from this?”

“It seems you understood my lesson well,” Fear said with a shrug. “There’s no point in dead weight and there should be no fear when casting it aside.”

“Friends are definitely important,” Pride said. “But remember that these six are particularly volatile examples of fae. There’s no shame in cutting contact because of how troublesome they are to be around.”

“I don’t necessarily agree, but I can see where you’re both coming from,” I said. “Sure, they’re annoying and mostly useless, but sometimes that’s good to help my mind get off things. Just, you know, not often. So I guess if that was the last bit, we can move on.”

“As you desire,” the guide said. Her eyes flashed and we moved forward in time.

We appeared in the sun room, the dining hall of my new house. My guards and crew were all sitting at the tables, staring up at Watcher. He was in front of the room, standing right where I once stood to give a very difficult speech.

“So, we just heard a lot of very troubling things from our lady,” Watcher said, slowly looking around the room. “And unfortunately, I can’t coddle you: She’s telling the truth about Discord. I used some of the same sources as Nav to fill in a few blanks, but I independently verified his existence and his threat. I don’t think any of you ever imagined living the life of a hero, but it’s been thrust upon us all. Nav intends to shoulder that burden. I plan to follow her for as long as my weary body can.”

“Didn’t she just admit to being created by Discord?” one of the guards asked.

“She did,” Watcher said. “That’s why she needs us. How’s she supposed to free herself on her own?”

“As an aside, what other option do we even have?” Gourd asked. “Discord needs to be stopped. As far as I know, Nav’s the only one trying to do that right now. Even if she might be lying about her real plan, I know the rest of us are working hard toward that goal.”

“I’m sure all of you know how powerful Celestia and Luna are,” Watcher said. “The last time Discord was free, he annihilated the rest of the alicorn race, who were presumably just as powerful. He also killed the elementals and the humans. There’s absolutely nothing saying the ponies will be spared his wrath. Some of you have already gotten your latest bonus. The rest of you will be getting it very soon. That’s a huge amount of money. It’ll all be worthless if society gets destroyed.”

“How long have you known all of this?” Sentinel asked.

“Learning about Discord is why I agreed to accompany Nav, but that was also before Nav’s goal was to defeat Discord. Originally, the plan was to release the elementals and then see where things went. Everything progressed before we were expecting and now we’re finding out that Nav was possibly even created by Discord. Ever since we got on the ship, Nav’s been keeping me relatively in the loop. I’ve been doing the same with her. Up until now, there were things I didn’t share with everyone. And none of you have any right to complain about it, because we all know how op-sec works.”

“Speaking of which, is this room magic-proof?” Gourd asked.

“Sure is,” Watcher replied with a nod. “I had a feeling a few ponies are using magic to spy on some of us, so I decided to take countermeasures before the meeting. I wasn’t expecting someone to actually listen at one of the doors, which is why Brook got through. But the fact that we’re free from magical eavesdropping brings me to my next point: Nav and I both expect a confrontation with Celestia is on the horizon. My loyalties are with Nav. I’m old enough that dying for the idea of a world without a monster like Celestia sounds nice. I want all of you to realize that Celestia won’t be picky when it comes time for a purge. If it comes to a confrontation, you’re either with us, or Celestia will put you down without a fight.”

“...So now we’re killing a demon and Discord?” one of the guards groaned.

“It’s not a done deal yet,” Watcher said. “And Kat, I see the look in your eyes. Don’t even think about it. Celestia’s better defended than she looks.”

“I would never act without my lady’s permission,” Kat simply said, though she had a smug grin on her face.

“With the kind of support Nav has, I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if we manage to win,” Watcher said. “But I want you all to be prepared for the worst. To that end, enjoy your time in Canterlot while you can. That may sound hollow now that you all know the truth, but hopefully a ludicrous amount of gold will fix that. The swanky accommodations might help.”

“How long are we going to be here?” one of the guards asked.

“At least a week and a half, this time. Our lady has a strange trip planned for us soon. I’m not quite sure what to expect from this one. Most of you probably haven’t even heard of our destination, the Zone of Alienation.” A few ears pricked up. “I see some of you have. For those of you who haven’t, it’s a miniature Tartarus near the middle of Equestria, up in a series of mountain ranges. Nav thinks there’s another human installation there.”

“I’ve heard nothing but bad about that place,” Sentinel said. “Apparently Celestia sent several expeditions, but all failed.”

“I’ve met two ponies who claimed to have gone,” Watcher said. “Both made it past the forest at the entrance, but neither could make it past the crazy weather under the dome itself. Twilight is also going to be with us, so we’ll have several powerful mages. With the addition of the elementals, I’m sure we can survive long enough for Nav to realize it’s suicide.”

“...You don’t think Nav can win?” Kat slowly asked. For some reason, her claws were poking out of her gloves.

“I think Nav should have learned a lesson from Arachne and Antarctica,” Watcher said. “Some hornet nests shouldn’t be poked. There’s a reason Celestia decided to stop investigating that place. If even she couldn’t provide enough resources to conquer it, I don’t see how we’d be any different.”

“That’s planning for failure,” Gourd said. “You’re supposed to be in charge of the troops, right? Have some morale!”

“Even if there is a human installation there, it’s still probably stupidly haunted,” Watcher said. “Zecora only just recently gained her new medium powers, so she might not be able to exorcise everything. No matter what cool stuff we might find down there, I’m not interested in being Nav’s ghost shield. I hate dealing with the undead.”

“Can’t you just trap them in cursed gems?” Silver Quill idly asked as she looked over some paperwork. Everyone went silent to stare at her. After a few seconds of it, she noticed and looked up. “W-what?”

“...I didn’t expect a civilian to know that,” Watcher said. “Even I’ve only heard it was theoretically possible.”

“Oh, that witch doctor did it all the time,” Silver said. “There weren’t any gem mines near the village, so they couldn’t just make blood gems the right way. Instead, they had to inscribe a rune on the gem, kill a prisoner in front of it, and then infuse the gem with some kind of magic. The soul would get sucked in and then the witch doctor would imbue some soldiers, equipment, or herself with its power. They did it in front of all of us as an intimidation tactic. She liked bragging about how she got most of her early power with an ancient spirit she trapped in a mask using the same technique.”

“Now that you mention it, I’ve seen something similar,” Kat said. “Some of the assassins in my original guild kept such gems as trophies of some of their more prominent kills. They all had a rune on them. Cascade can copy it from my memory, so if we can just find the right magic to use, it should be easy to duplicate.”

“We have a week and a half to look into it,” Watcher said, nodding. “With the clues from Silver and the rune from Kat, we should be able to find information much more quickly. Twilight can also help. We can get gems from Rarity to test on animals in the Everfree. With a runemaster and the element of magic on our side, we can reverse engineer it with ease. That’ll give us a fighting chance against ghosts.”

“Feel better about our chances, now?” Gourd asked.

“Not really, but I’ll follow Nav’s orders to the best of my ability regardless,” Watcher said. “Given how chaotic and randomly lucky she can be, it’s possible she really can pull us through.”

“I’m completely confident,” Kat said. “We can’t shame Nav with failure. There is no option but success.”

“I also think we’ll be fine,” Gourd said. “It’s obvious that fate has plans for Nav. It’s going to make her play the hero role even if it has to drag her, kicking and screaming. That basically means she’s destined to solve great mysteries like this, right?”

“We survived everything so far,” Sentinel said with a shrug. “I never expected to live long when I signed up for shadow ops anyway. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already on borrowed time. Might as well spend it checking out cool ancient ruins.” Most of the rest of the room made general noises of agreement, though nobody seemed too enthusiastic.

“So, here’s my last question before I end the meeting,” Watcher said. “First, some context for those who aren’t aware: Nav’s trip to Iceland was bad. She got captured by Bahamut, used as a bargaining chip against Pyrite, then captured by Pyrite and tortured. What should we do to help her mental state?”

“I’ve already started comforting her at night,” Kat said with a sly smile.

“I’m also stepping up and helping,” Doppel said with a dirty grin of her own.

“Most of us have never really served with a noble before,” Sentinel said. “I know Nav’s not really the normal noble, but should we really treat her any differently now?”

“Until she stabilizes, we need to be careful,” Watcher said. “I’m honestly worried about her. For now, do your utmost to keep her calm and happy. If she wants us to treat her like a lady, we’ll do so. If she wants us to back off and treat her normally, we’ll do so in private, until she starts getting better.”

“Nav’s already past her breaking point,” Kat said, sighing. “Meeting Discord was just another nail in the coffin. Right now, we need to help her mend what is broken. It’s too late to worry about walking on eggshells.”

“...On second thought, maybe this was the wrong place to discuss Nav’s mental state,” Watcher quietly said. “I think I’ll gather the vassals together separately to talk about it. While we do so, I want everyone else to think of ways to cheer our lady up. Just don’t actually do anything without running it by us first.”

“Nav is less interested in intentions and more interested in results, for better or worse,” Gourd said. “Trying your hardest to cheer her up won’t matter if the end result is that it annoys her.”

“That’s only natural, of course,” Kat said. “A leader should only surround herself with those who are useful. Trying your hardest yet earning no results makes you worthless. And as for what I’ve seen of typical pony methods to cheer others up… I wouldn’t even waste your time trying them on Nav. I pity any fool who would actually plan a party with the intent to make Nav happy.”

“And that is why you should come to me if you have any ideas,” Watcher said. “As our lady’s household, it is our duty to attend to her in every way we can. Keep that in mind at all times. For now, I’ll declare this meeting over.” The room finally went gray and everyone froze.

“I’m somewhat surprised by how smoothly that went,” I said. “I was expecting more of a train wreck.”

“Do you truly doubt your followers that much?” Fear asked. “I guess it’s no surprise, given how often they completely disregard your feelings.”

“Mommy doubts us all the time,” Taya said. “She calls us creepy, possessive, annoying, and too emotional.”

“I don’t doubt the abilities of the people who work for me,” I said. “They’ve demonstrated that over and over. I doubt their mental states. The fact that they can actually get along without me there at the helm is remarkable. I wonder if that will continue if I remove my pull…”

“I wouldn’t be optimistic,” Fear replied with a giggle. “I mean, this is you we’re talking about. They’ll realize how terrible you are eventually, right? Without that pull to keep them in line, it’s only natural they’ll start misbehaving, acting up, and finally, leaving you.”

“As long as I can keep everyone together long enough to get a soul and beat Discord, I don’t care what they do afterward. If all that’s keeping them here is a mystical pull beyond their control, then it’s not fair to them.”

“Besides, it’s not like the pull is the only thing keeping everyone loyal,” Taya said. “I won’t ever leave you, mommy. Spike’s completely indebted to you and wants to stay around forever. Kat basically worships you and I don’t think removing the pull will fix her at this point. You gave Doppel a purpose in life and gave her a true taste of self-respect, so she’s firmly in your court. Watcher and his soldiers are richer than they’ve ever been, plus they’ve been led through tons of dangerous situations now without a single loss. You saved the lives of Gourd and his crew, then gave them a second chance as your personal airship crew. You introduced Jak to Athena and gave him so many interesting projects to work on that he’ll die before he ever gets anywhere close to done. Zecora’s curse is gone because you helped her get to the southern continent, then you helped her get revenge, and then you finally opened her eyes to some truly scary voodoo stuff. Even without the pull… why would anyone want to leave you?”

“That’s a very good question,” Reason said.

“I’m honestly not that worried about it,” I said with a shrug. “I imagine almost everyone is in for the long haul now. Fear’s just being dramatic because she wants attention. So, what kind of takeaways do we have for this one?”

“Your subordinates trust you a lot,” Reason said. “Even though Watcher didn’t think going to the Zone was a good idea, he was still willing to. And the others didn’t seem to have any issue with it at all and even expected you to lead them through with no problems.”

“And despite the fact that you told them all you’re a walking abomination created by the archenemy of all life itself, no one abandoned you!” Fear said, bouncing up and down in excitement. “What’s more, they actually want to help you for some reason! I totally thought they would all just agree to put you down or something…”

“And, perhaps most importantly, they’re greatly concerned for your mental state,” Reason said. “I know you think it’s crazy talk, but it just might be possible that they actually want you to be happy.”

“Whoa now, don’t go overboard, there,” Fear said. “These are the same people who conspire behind her back all the time, right?”

“This is what they usually look like when they get together to conspire,” Taya said. “Their primary goal is how to wrangle you and keep you from doing anything too… unsuitable, I guess. To be honest, they never really developed any solid countermeasures, either. They do talk about how you’re listless all the time and they try to think of ways to engage you, too. I wouldn’t say they’re always plotting to make you happy, but they’re never planning anything that would truly upset you.”

“Having a ton of people obsessing over me is still a novel experience,” I sighed. “Unfortunately, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. At the very least, I know the people around me mean well. I’m just still not used to it. It would be different if I didn’t see everyone around me as friends, but nowadays, they’re all my retainers. The relationship is now a different one. I just have to finish getting used to it. Getting rid of the pull will mitigate some of it. Everything else will just take time.”

“I’m kinda surprised they didn’t complain more about having to fight Celestia,” Taya said. “You’d think her ex-guards would be more loyal. Or maybe more scared.”

“They all know what happens when Celestia purges a noble. And they know she’d be even more thorough in my case. It’s not that they weren’t afraid, it’s that they knew complaining wouldn’t matter and trying to run wouldn’t work.”

“Or maybe they’re more afraid of you than they are of her,” Fear said with a shrug. “Celestia may have been a despotic monster, but she was still just prey.”

“That’s possible, but unlikely,” Reason said. “Celestia had the guards do considerably more evil things than Nav ever has. Plus, the guards have had their entire lives to cope with the fact that Celestia is the all-powerful pony goddess. I don’t think it would be possible for any pony not to fear Celestia.”

“I’m with Reason on this one,” I said. “I may be scary and I probably have a greater capacity for evil than Celestia does, but she’s been ruling over Equestria with an iron hoof for six thousand years. That kind of control gives you an authority and presence that will take me ages to match. It’s impossible to say why everyone decided to side with me, but the reason doesn’t matter. All I care about is the fact that they were loyal to me.”

“As it should be,” the guide said, nodding. “Having everyone actually decide to stick with you was a relief, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” I said. “My nerves were a wreck each time I tried to convince another person. I had a feeling the guards would side with me, but I wasn’t sure until the very end.”

“You said Twilight agreed too, right?” Taya asked.

“She realized I was planning something while we were at the Gryphus festival. I told her everything. She agreed to support me without a second thought, and was offended that I didn’t tell her sooner and that I was worried about her answer. At that point, I already had Cadance and Shiny, Moonbeam, Luna, Blossom, Fleur, and the guards, so I wasn’t too concerned about Twilight. The worst case scenario would have been Twilight immediately telling Celestia, but I ended up worrying over nothing.”

“On an unrelated note, I’m kinda impressed with Silver Quill,” Taya said. “I figured most mares would lose their minds if they were forced to watch a bunch of souls get sucked out. But she told everyone about the gems without any problems or hesitations at all.”

“Yeah, I also thought that was kinda weird,” I said. “We might need to get Zecora to ask if she knows any other spooky secrets like that. If she does, she’ll need to keep quiet about them. I’m confident that openly talking about how to make soul gems with runes is super illegal in Equestria. I wouldn’t be surprised if even knowing that fact could get you a visit from one of her creepy inquisitors.”

“After everything she’s been through, I doubt it would bother her,” Fear said. “Even the inquisitor you met wasn’t as scary as that witch doctor.”

“The inquisitor I met also wasn’t trying to be scary, since he was in front of Celestia. Taya, which is scarier, ghosts or demons?”

“Ghosts, for sure,” she instantly replied. “At least demons can be blown up, right? Ghosts take special tools.”

“Bullshit, you haven’t seen any demons,” I said. “I guess you were the wrong person to ask. As someone who’s actually seen and fought against both demons and ghosts, demons are worse. The inquisitors fight those things. They also summon and use them. To me, that makes the inquisitors more scary than a witch doctor. But we got off topic. Is there anything else to mention about this memory?”

“Kat’s super cute,” Reason said. “You should pet her more.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said, booping Reason. She just watched my finger without a word. “I guess if that’s it, I’m ready to move on.”

“Then so it shall be,” the guide ominously replied. Her eyes flashed and off we went.

This time, we showed up in what I assumed was the mage’s tower. It wasn’t a room I was familiar with, but the Seven were there, lounging around and doing various mage-like things. One was grinding ingredients, two were reading, one was playing with a dozen tiny fireballs, one was looking at a few of the artifacts we pulled out of Athena’s book, and two were talking.

“You let Navarone take the book with her?” one of the talkers asked.

“She didn’t give us a choice in the matter. You told us we couldn’t use force unless she got violent, so…”

“So you were supposed to persuade her!”

“We tried. I told you, she didn’t give us a choice in the matter!”

“Ugh, that arrogant little… Who does she think she is?!”

“Don’t go down that road,” one of the ones who was reading said. “That book belongs to her, fair and square. We have no right to take it from her. From what Twilight said, even passing through the labyrinth will be difficult. Until any of us succeeds in passing Athena’s test, we’ll just have to suck it up and deal with Nav’s rules.”

“There might be another option,” the guy grinding ingredients said. “Navarone’s filly apparently expressed interest in learning here. Her tests are supposed to be tomorrow.”

“...The same filly who got her cutie mark at the Gala?” the guy playing with fireballs asked. “I imagine she’s talented. We shouldn’t meddle.”

“She’s been learning from Twilight Sparkle, so she can’t be underestimated,” one of the readers said. “As much as we all dislike that mare, there’s no doubt she’s skilled. And apparently Taya has been with Nav on their trip, so it’s possible she’s been learning from Watcher, as well. I also agree that we shouldn’t use her. She’s too valuable to risk scaring off.”

“That might be hasty,” the potion guy said. “She’s our only direct link to Navarone. We can’t discount Navarone’s influence. If Taya’s here anyway…”

“We’re not using a filly, especially one that’s also a student,” the original speaker said. “Navarone may be unpredictable, but it’s obvious that she’s intelligent. She’ll be on the lookout for any kind of interference. If we push our luck, we may lose access to the book and a potentially valuable student.”

“How about a compromise?” the last person asked, the other reader. “Taya’s tests are supposed to be tomorrow. I say we see how competent she is. If she passes most of the entry exams and can reach the advanced courses of any one subject, we’ll leave her be. But if she’s useless, then in exchange for teaching her well, we get her to speak to Nav for us every now and then. Nothing major, of course, just little things here and there.”

“I don’t like that phrasing,” the fireball guy said with a frown. “We strive to teach all of our students well.”

“Of course, of course. I should have said it better. But you get the general idea, right?”

“Yes. And I still don’t like it. We’re not like Celestia’s private school for nobles. We teach all unicorns with no strings attached, minus a small fee. I don’t want to start turning our students into pawns.”

“You’re just saying that because of her special talent,” the potion guy said.

“And if she was a necromancer, would you still be singing the same tune?” the fireball guy asked. “Do you know how rare it is for a pony to actually have a special talent in destruction? There are only four of us in the entire tower! I’m certainly not about to let someone like her slip away! Even if she is somehow talentless right now, she’ll still have an affinity for it that normal students couldn’t even dream of!”

“...I think I’m fine with the compromise,” one of the original talkers said. “I also don’t like the idea of using students, but a lifeline to Lady Navarone will be valuable. It’s not like we’re going to use magic to manipulate Taya or anything, we’ll just ask her to talk to Navarone for us about this and that.”

“It took over a month for our last message to reach Navarone,” the first reader said with a sigh. “If all we’d be doing is using Taya to send messages, I don’t see any real harm in it. At least that would guarantee Navarone could respond to us quickly. But again, only if Taya somehow turns out to be without skill.”

“So be it,” the potion guy said with a smile. “It’ll be interesting to see what she can do, if nothing else.”

“I think I might like to watch her tests, myself,” the dude with fireballs said. “After so long with a human mother, I’m sure Taya doesn’t think quite the same as other ponies anymore. If she actually does have talent, she’ll solve her tests in a very interesting way.”

Everything around us flickered and we appeared in the official meeting room of the Seven, the place where Twilight and I met them with Athena’s book. All of them were in their official robes and everything.

“So, let's talk about Taya’s test,” the guy in red said. He had a pretty large smile on his face. “She used a master level spell to pass her entry-level destruction test. Since then, she’s shot past all of the novice courses. The only reason she got stuck in an upper level advanced course is because Twilight and Watcher skipped a few of what they considered useless basic spells. Even then, after just witnessing the spell once, she was able to duplicate it almost perfectly. I’m confident she’ll be in the master destruction classes within three months.”

“...She seems to have no aptitude for alchemy,” the guy in green said. He was the one grinding up ingredients before.

“Her knowledge of healing was unexpected,” the mare in the yellow robe said. “Most combat specialists only know how to tear ponies apart, not put them back together. She was able to get through the novice and advanced test, but was floored by the second expert test she took.”

“Wait, she got further in healing than she did in destruction?” the guy in red asked. “Why does she know that much?”

“Apparently it’s what her mother wanted,” the mare in yellow said with a shrug. “Taya apparently knows a single grandmaster healing spell, but other than that, not much above advanced. She told me she knows multiple grandmaster destruction spells, though. She just has a few gaps here and there that got her stuck.”

“She’s… passing at illusions,” the fellow in white said. “She passed most of the novice tests, but got stuck and decided not to continue. Apparently she doesn’t have much interest in it.”

“Same for conjuration,” the guy in orange said. “She told the professor she’d rather blow something up than summon something else to fight it for her…”

“She has a knack for alteration, but unfortunately no interest,” the mare in purple said. “She got up to the advanced tests, but stopped when she hit a wall. She told the professor she wants to focus on healing and destruction.”

“My mystic professors were told the same thing,” the mare in blue said with a sigh. “Although she didn’t have much talent in my field, so it’s not a huge loss.”

“So, there’s no need for the compromise we originally decided on,” the stallion in red said. “She has passed all of her entrance exams, she’s reached the advanced courses in two fields, and the expert courses in one field. Taya will be welcome here as a completely normal student, no strings attached. Don’t approach her about Nav.”

“...I’m hesitant to even mention this, but she knows some necromancy,” the mare in yellow quietly said, looking over at the potion guy. “Twilight has one of Grogar’s spellbooks, along with one of his journals that acts as a cipher.”

“Would it be possible to make a small exception and allow a student to skip the novice courses and skip straight to the grandmaster courses?” the alchemy fellow asked. “I would quite like to see the true talents of somepony else with access to Grogar’s knowledge…”

“I’m willing to allow the exception to let a student skip the alchemy courses in favor of the necromancy courses,” the guy in red said. “But I won’t skip the rule that a student can’t enter the necromancy courses until their loyalty has been ensured. I also won’t skip the rule that a student has to show off a necromantic spell first.”

“That one is already fulfilled,” the mare in yellow said. “I didn’t believe her, so she used a spell she called absorb life to kill a bird, then reanimation to bring it back as a dire skeleton. I panicked and incinerated it before I could determine if she was actually controlling it, but she seemed extremely confident.”

“Absorb life is a Grogar specialty, at least a low level expert spell!” the potion guy said with a huge smile. “And a dire skeleton would be an upper level advanced spell. Controlling it would require another low level expert spell! Forget trying to manipulate her, I want to make her my own disciple!”

“Forget it, necrophile,” the mare in blue said.

“It’s mancer! Necromancer!”

“Her skill is impressive, but no matter how much she knows, you can’t approach her until she’s been here at least a year. If she’s willing to talk about how she knows necromancy to a mare she just met, then demonstrate those extremely illegal spells, she’s obviously not mature enough to even be learning them.”

“...Twilight got the spell book from Celestia,” the mare in yellow said with a sad smile. “They’ve both been allowed to circumvent the law.”

“All the more reason to make her my disciple!” the alchemist shouted. “If she has those powers, she has to learn how to use them properly and when not to use them!”

“As of now, she doesn’t even know we teach necromancy here,” the mare in yellow said. “I didn’t want to test her skills when I talked to her about it, it just… happened! I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing until the undead bird looked at me with its fiery black eyes… After I killed it, I told her that she can’t just go around showing that magic off to everypony. She… she giggled and said she’d be fine and that her mother would make sure nothing bad happened.”

“She’s sounding like quite the interesting and troublesome student,” the fellow in red said with a small grin. “Maybe I’ll make her my own disciple before that year is up. That is, unless my colleague in healing thinks she can snatch that filly away from me.”

“You’re welcome to her,” the healer quickly said. “A single conversation taught me that I couldn’t handle her as a student. Besides, she’s only learning healing because somepony else wants her to. She actually enjoys blowing things up, so she’d be the perfect student for you.”

“I’ll watch her progress closely,” the fellow in red said. “She sounds extremely promising. If her tests continue going well, I’ll invite her to study under me. Now, I would like to shift course to the next topic of discussion. How are preparations going for our journey into Athena’s realm?”

“I’ve readied eighteen potions each,” the alchemist said. “You’ll drink them in batches of six. They’ll give you resistances to things like fire and ice, extra stamina and strength, and increased physical regeneration. They won’t make you invincible, but they’ll make you feel young again.”

“All of your scrolls are ready,” the conjurer said. “They should help you navigate and deal with most environmental hazards we could think of, things like acid, lava, or ice. There’s also a single control weather scroll, in case things get really crazy.”

“I’ve double-checked all the illusion spells we might need,” the guy in white said. “I’ll be ready for anything that old bird throws at us.”

“I’ve already memorized all the defensive magic we could need, so I learned some mysticism and healing, to be better prepared,” the mare in purple said. “I’m still not sure challenging the labyrinth is the best idea, but we do stand to gain a lot.”

“We set up several magic circles for long-term spells,” the healer said. “Before you leave, come to our department and we’ll give all of you several defensive bonuses, as well as resistances to disease, poison, and a few other nasty things.”

“If you want any soul gems, we have some we can spare,” the mare in blue said. “Most of the magic items Twilight gave us were worthless, so we can’t use those. We can let you use a few other artifacts, though.”

“I don’t think we’ll need soul gems or magic items,” the guy in red said. In case anyone was wondering, he was the one who mouthed off at Athena and Hera and got skinned to death. “If Navarone and Twilight can make it through that dungeon without any kind of preparations at all, I’m sure we’ll be fine after thoroughly planning and preparing. Besides, on the very low chance we somehow do fail and we lose those artifacts, the tower will be considerably weakened. Worse, Athena might give them to Nav to use as she pleases.”

“Then I think we’ve done as much as we can,” the illusionist said. For reference, he’s the one who got his soul sucked out before I returned to check on them. “Taya should be finishing her classes in two hours. We can make the final preparations before then and have her guide us to Lady Navarone’s house.”

“I’ll need to let my department heads know,” the mare in purple said. She was the only one who survived the journey, the mare who lost her horn and ear. “I think Nav said it took them around three hours to get through. I’ll be generous and tell them we should be back within five hours.”

“We’ll adjourn the meeting, then,” the fellow in red said. “We’ll meet back up in the healing department in one hour. Bring the potions and scrolls then.”

Things flickered again and this time, only four people were sitting. The mare standing in the center of the circle had only a stub where her horn used to be, but at least her ear had been reattached. She seemed to be holding back tears. The Four looked quite shocked.

“What… Where are the others?” the mare in yellow asked.

“...They’re dead,” the dehorned mare whispered.

“What happened to your horn?!” the mare in blue screamed.

The mare in the middle finally broke down and started crying. “A-Athena… she k-kept it like a t-trophy!” The room went eerily silent, aside from the mare’s sobs. The other unicorns had gone white in the face. “And Hera… That… that monster… She s-s-skinned him a-alive!”

“...I think you need some rest,” the healer said. Her horn lit up and the ex-unicorn fell asleep.

Before she could collapse, her body floated over in front of the mystic. “Thank you. It was obvious she was delirious. I’ll search her memories and get the truth.” She leaned in and pressed her horn against the mare’s stub. After a few minutes, she pulled away with a gasp. “She was being literal! That monster… she literally skinned him alive! What the buck?!”

“And now I’m even more confused,” the alchemist said. “What actually happened?”

“...Our illusionist was killed by a pile of rags,” the mare in blue slowly said. That made them all gasp. “They wrapped around him and sapped him of strength so quickly that the others couldn’t react. Before they knew what was happening, he was already dead.”

“A pile of bucking rags?!” the conjurer shouted. “You’ve gotta be kidding me! What about the head of destruction?!”

“Before they could make it halfway through, Navarone came to check up on them,” the mare in blue slowly said. “Navarone made the head of destruction angry, so he… threatened Athena.” The healer flinched. “And while he was at it, apparently he insulted Hera. So Athena used magically resistant golems to capture them both. Navarone apparently talked Athena into letting her live, but couldn’t save the head of destruction from Hera’s… rage.”

Silence once again returned to the small room. After nearly a minute of silence, the necromancer said, “Their souls haven’t returned to the tower. If they really died, shouldn’t we be able to bring them back as golems?”

“Athena’s book captures souls,” the mystic whispered, hanging her head. “The two of them are cursed to forever roam the labyrinth as new guardians…”

“This is a disaster,” the healer quietly said. “How… How could this have happened?”

“We don’t have time for that question right now,” the conjurer said. “Right now, we have two things we should focus on. First, what should we do about her?” All eyes went to the sleeping ex-unicorn. “Obviously she can’t remain part of the Seven.”

“The tower is for mages, right?” the alchemist said. “I don’t think we should make her leave immediately, but I mean… If she can’t do magic, she can’t be a mage.”

“If we had her horn, I could reattach it,” the healer said. “But if Athena kept it, the only way to get it would be to go through the labyrinth…”

“Everypony knows that the study of magic comes with consequences,” the mystic said with a sigh. “Sometimes, one such consequence is the complete loss of magic entirely. We all know the risks. I’m sure she’ll understand when it comes time for her to leave.”

“And the second thing we need to do is focus on filling out our numbers again,” the conjurer said. “We can’t just be the Four. We must have at least an odd number. For now, we can fold illusions into conjuration and alteration into mysticism. That means we’ll just need to focus on getting a single new head for the immediate future.”

“So… how are we going to announce this?” the healer asked. “We can’t just tell everypony that we lost three of the most powerful unicorns on the planet in the span of an hour.”

“We can if we word it properly,” the alchemist said. “I think we should tell everypony that three members of the Seven were defeated by the human mage Athena in the pocket dimension the human Navarone owns. I feel like drawing attention to both of them is the best kind of revenge we can get.”

“...Revenge?” the healer slowly said. “Revenge for what?”

“The Seven have become the Four!” the necromancer shouted. “It’s all because Navarone brought us that book!”

“The book that we asked her to bring, you mean?” the mystic asked with a sigh.

“The book that she warned us against entering, you mean?” the healer asked.

“The book that Twilight told us would one hundred percent kill us, without a doubt, no matter what, you mean?” the conjurer asked.

“Yes, and we all thought they were exaggerating because neither of them sounded all too serious or concerned!”

“Navarone wasn’t concerned because she didn’t care,” the mystic said. “Once things started going downhill in the book, Navarone was quick to make fun of the two survivors, saying things like I told you so. She just warned us because she was being polite, but she didn’t care even a little if everypony who entered died.”

“...I thought you said Navarone asked Athena to spare her,” the healer said.

“Athena asked for payment in return. Navarone offered nothing and said to claim it from her. That’s why Athena took the mare’s horn. She certainly can thank Navarone for being alive, but I don’t know if any unicorn would call a life without a horn worth living.”

“Entering that book was a mistake,” the conjurer said, plopping his head down on the table for a few long seconds. Finally, he sat back up. “But it was our mistake, not Navarone’s. We won’t seek revenge. Once we have a better understanding of what the inside of the labyrinth is like, we’ll decide if we want to try our luck in there again. For now, I’ll start finding candidates for the new heads.”

“I’ll take her down to the healing department to look for any more issues,” the healer said, looking over at the dehorned mare. “Once she wakes up, I’ll try interviewing her properly to get more information.”

“I can prepare some potions to help calm her mind,” the alchemist said. “After that, I’ll start brainstorming ways to explain to everypony what happened. Ways that don’t involve Navarone.”

“I’ll consult with some of our sister organizations to see if I can get advice,” the mystic said. “If we’re lucky, we can borrow some personnel to help manage things until we get back on our hooves.”

“This is one of the worst years we’ve had as an organization,” the conjurer said, his voice heavy. “First we were attacked by demons. Now we lost three of the Seven in a single night. It’s a heavy burden, but we will bear it. We’ll weather this storm and recover. For now, I declare this meeting over.” With that, the memory finally went gray.

“I’m not really sure how to feel right now,” Taya said. “I’m kinda insulted, kinda proud, I guess?”

“It’s okay to feel a lot of things,” I said, patting her on the back. “At least the end result is that they decided not to try using you. Although you might want to watch out for that necrophile.”

“Death magic can be fun, but it’s not usually my thing,” Taya replied with a shrug. “Is this how you felt when you saw Celestia and Luna talking about you?”

“In the beginning, before they decided for sure that they were going to make use of me. After that, I felt much worse. To be honest, there was a little about me in these memory fragments, but I think more of it was about you. So, what are your impressions? And can you think of any takeaways?”

“An immediate takeaway does come to mind, yes,” Taya said. “There are those in power who feel nothing about making use of those under them. And when they think they’re alone and completely safe, they’re completely open about their disgusting intentions.”

“Yep, that’s exactly right,” I said. “Although I was hoping for something more closely related to you, not a base generalization.”

“When they first started talking about their expectations for me, I felt smug,” she said. “I knew I would blow everything they imagined out of the water. And in the memory after I had been a student for a few days, I felt satisfied that they recognized my abilities. It was even better because they were so surprised and had surprisingly low expectations. Despite the talk about using me mixed in here and there, I think I feel more proud than anything. My magical talents shocked the Seven that much, huh? A part of me is starting to understand why Twilight decided they weren’t worth her time, but… The classes are fun, at least.”

“Good, I’m glad you’re enjoying them. I hope you’re making friends, too. Now then.” I crossed my arms and looked around the small room. “I guess it’s time to ask the professionals. What kind of takeaways can we get from this?” This time, Reason and Hope appeared. “...Hope? What are you doing here?”

“You were really hoping they wouldn’t bother you anymore,” Reason said.

“Oh, that makes sense,” I said, reaching over to boop Hope. Before my hand could reach her, Taya snatched it with a hoof and pressed it against her own nose.

“Don’t give that fake my boops!” she shouted, still holding my hand.

“My oh my, so the so-called real Taya has to forcefully seize her boops,” Hope said with a smug smile. “Whereas I, the loving and gentle Hope, am given them freely!” Taya growled and jumped up to seize my entire arm, glaring at Hope.

“...What are you even doing?” I asked.

“Asserting myself as the dominant filly!” Taya immediately replied, still glaring at Hope and clutching onto my arm.

“Well, have fun with that, I guess,” I said, patting her on the head with my other hand. “So, since I was hoping they wouldn’t bother me anymore, I guess one of the takeaways is that they decided not to get revenge?”

“Don’t ruin it!” Hope shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “How can I prove myself the better filly if you don’t let me wow you with my skills?!” Taya giggled and snuggled against me tighter.

“Sorry. By all means, give me more wisdom.” I did my best not to sound sarcastic.

“Hmph! You ruined the big reveal at the end…”

“It’s not a reveal if the mages said it themselves,” Reason said. “You’re Hope, not Pain or Fear. You’re not supposed to be able to feel jealousy!”

“Oh, I can’t,” Hope said, shrugging. “I’m just reading the room and playing with my counterpart!” For some reason, Taya continued clinging to me anyway.

“Anyway, let’s start with the first takeaway,” Reason finally said. “As you already discussed, the mages were considering using Taya. It’s something you feared, Nav. Despite all their assurances, you were worried the Seven would use her anyway.”

“And you were desperately hoping they wouldn’t,” Hope added. “But you know all about those in power. About how they lie and cheat and manipulate without a care in the world…”

“But now you have heard it from their own mouths, behind closed doors,” Reason said. “They don’t intend to manipulate your filly.”

“So it seems,” I said. “Whether or not they stick to that is anyone’s guess, but for the moment, I have little to worry about. How Taya feels about that is an entirely different matter, though.”

“I expected it, so it’s fine,” she said with a shrug. “I mean, I’m the filly of the Lady Navarone. Of course important people want to cozy up to me to try and use me. I’m glad they realized it would be a bad idea, though. It would be annoying to pretend to ignore their efforts.”

“I hope you remember that attitude in the future,” the fake Taya said. “As Nav’s eternafilly, there will be many who underestimate you and attempt to manipulate you.”

“And also remember that such attempts can be turned on their heads,” Reason added. “If someone thinks you are under their control, it will be a chance to gain information they might not otherwise leak.”

“Kat has already been teaching me how best to blend in as a filly to get more information from normal people,” Taya said. “Every time I go out now, I practice listening in. It’s amazing what guards and public officials talk about in front of fillies. If we attend the Gala again, I’m planning on working with Kat to turn it into my personal hunting ground! Between my adorableness and the herbal drugs Zecora provided, I’ll be able to loosen enough lips to obtain all kinds of blackmail material!”

“You truly are the dominant filly,” I said, patting her head again. She sweetly giggled before sticking her tongue out at her apparent rival. With that done, Taya finally released my arm and sank back down. “So, what other kinds of takeaways do we have?”

“You were worried they would want revenge on you,” Hope said. “After all, the Seven became the Four overnight, all because you brought them the book.”

“But they shot that logic down instantly,” Reason said. “The mages who entered that book did so knowing the risks. The tower leadership recognizes that. The consensus seems to be… to leave you alone.”

“Picking a fight with mommy would be suicide,” Taya said. “After all, she did what three of the most powerful unicorns couldn’t, without any kind of preparations. Obviously they know better than to pick a fight.”

“Especially without any moral high ground to stand on,” I said with a nod. “You’re right, this is a relief to hear. They won’t manipulate Taya and they won’t seek revenge. I have a low opinion of the tower mages overall, but their leadership does seem to have some sense of integrity. I hope this will act to humble them.”

“I had another thought, too,” Taya said. “I spoke to that alteration mage a little before she lost her horn. I think she’d swear loyalty to you if you would give her a position of some kind. She may not be able to actually do magic anymore, but she still knows a whole lot about it. Even if she just writes books on theory, you could still make more as her patron than she’d cost to provide for.”

“Surely there’s a way to restore a horn,” I said. “I mean, unicorns wouldn’t allow something that important to be completely irreplaceable.”

“I think there might be a necromantic spell for it,” Taya said. “I’m not completely sure, but Twilight would probably know. If you can provide her a horn, she’d definitely be even more loyal and valuable.”

“I’ll talk to Twilight about it at some point. It may be a moot point. I did ask for that mare to be spared, but I’m still at least partially responsible for some of the suffering she went through. She may not want to work for me.”

“That was actually the next takeaway,” Reason said with a small smile. “Perhaps you truly are the alpha filly.”

“Don’t support her!” Hope shouted. “I mean, I can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside just by hugging you!”

“So can Taya,” I said with a shrug. “I never mind when she wants to cuddle because my mommy instincts kick in and I feel surprisingly good.” This announcement made my filly’s face turn bright red for some reason, and she seemed to want to look everywhere but at me. “So, I ruined one takeaway and Taya ruined another. Are there more?”

“Just one,” Hope said. “If that necromancer finds out about Zecora’s abilities, he’ll probably never stop bothering you. And if he tries to become Taya’s teacher…”

“Why would I want to learn from that creep?” Taya asked. Thankfully, she finally fought back the blush. Her cheeks were still a little rosy, but it just made her cuter. “Like I said, I only like a few of the necromantic spells. But the undead are gross. Why would I want to bother with that?”

“If he starts pestering you, let me know,” I said. “I’ll make sure he understands that no means no by the time I’m through.”

“Mommy, you can’t use your ring anymore,” Taya said. “Wouldn’t I have to back you up so he couldn’t hurt you?”

“No, you’re not as scary as Luna. I’d bring her instead. Anyway, we don’t really need to worry about Taya becoming his student. And if he does find out about Zecora and he starts bothering us, I can always use Celestia to make him stop. Being able to wield the sun and moon can be nice sometimes.”

“What do you mean, sometimes?” Taya asked.

“Sometimes royal authority is too powerful and unwieldy,” I said. “Some things require a more delicate touch. Anyway, if that was the last takeaway, I guess we’re done here. Let us continue.”

“If that is your desire,” the guide said. Her eyes flashed and we took off.

We appeared in a corner of what the guards were calling the moon room. The sun room was downstairs and the moon room was upstairs. I’m not sure who decided on the naming, but I don’t guess it mattered. Watcher, Kat, Zecora, Doppel, and Sentinel were sitting at the table.

“So, Nav just left for the trip to Gryphus,” Kat said. “When should I leave to follow her?”

“You won’t be following her,” Watcher said.

“Then I guess you’re gonna leave it to me?” Doppel asked. “I know how to avoid griffins who can detect changelings, so I can easily keep an eye on Nav without being noticed.”

“You won’t be following her, either,” Watcher said.

“Do you really think we should leave this up to guards?” Sentinel asked. “I know we’re all skilled, but bat ponies still stick out like a sore thumb. Nav’s gonna be really mad if she catches us.”

“Nobody’s following Nav!” Watcher firmly said.

“So you want my spirits to do it?” Zecora asked. “Understandable. Nav can barely see them in the best of times. If they were trying to hide, it would be simple. Though saving her when needed might be problematic…”

“Nobody and nothing will be following Nav!” Watcher finally shouted. “She made that plainly clear! If she doesn’t want us to interfere, fine! What was that morbid human saying she used once or twice? Something about giving her enough rope to hang herself?”

“...This is our lady you’re talking about,” Sentinel said. “I mean, I figured whoever would be in charge of guarding her would let her get beaten a little to teach her a lesson first. Isn’t that enough of a punishment?”

“This is Nav we’re talking about!” Kat said. “She’s prone to bad decisions in the best of times. Add in Twilight, alcohol, disguises, sex all around her, and she’s obviously going to get herself killed! I’m positive she has at least some kind of bounty on her by now! She wasn’t subtle at all about her intentions and going to the train station in her own body like that was just beyond reckless. Kidnapping her as a pony would be kitten’s play.”

“I’m afraid, as her vassals and staff, it is our duty to let her die,” Watcher coldly said. “It is what our lady has decreed. We will not pursue, stalk, follow, creep on, or otherwise bother Nav at the festival. If she somehow survives the grievous injuries she’ll obviously get by being careless, we’ll have all the ammunition we need to keep eyes on her at all times.”

“...So you’re saying we have to have faith that Nav can somehow survive?” Sentinel asked. “No offense, but… Like Kat said, this is Nav we’re talking about. You just know she’ll end up all alone and cornered in a back alley by some creep! How’s she gonna defend herself against a predator if she barely even knows her body?”

“I wouldn’t doubt Nav’s ability to defend herself, even in a strange body,” Watcher said. “After all, she’s used to dealing with a strange body by now. She actively enjoys fighting as dirty as possible. In her regular body, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she could take a teenage dragon down, bare-handed. Even if she somehow couldn’t fight as a pony, I’m sure she could run away and escape from any griffin out there.”

“Navarone survived many things on her own for quite some time,” Zecora said. “But in an unfamiliar land, in an unfamiliar body, surrounded by more powerful griffins… I have a feeling she will be acting in an unfamiliar manner, as well. Doesn’t she tend to look attractive when turned into a mare, too? I bet she’ll make dozens of griffins fall for her. Those predators will surely want to hunt her down.”

“She might actually enjoy that,” Doppel said with a shrug. “Besides, Nav apparently isn’t going to spend the whole time there as a pony. She wants to see the worst princess ever. Which surely means Nav will be gaining a new herd member soon.”

“Why do you say that?” Kat asked.

“Because Princess Gilda enjoys the sound of changelings being boiled!” Doppel shouted. Everyone stared at her for a few seconds, blinking. Doppel finally sighed and her ears drooped. “You were asking about the herd thing, not the worst princess thing, weren’t you?”

“Of course,” Kat said. “Luna and Celestia are the only competitors for worst princess, so I just tuned that part out. Why would yet another princess become Nav’s plaything?”

“I could tell at the party,” Doppel said, rolling her eyes. “The princess has a crush on Nav. I’m sure getting Nav to go to the festival was all a part of Gilda’s plan to nab her. Obviously it’s going to backfire and Nav’s somehow going to end up with the princess all over her. That’s just how it always goes, isn’t it?”

“Makes sense,” Watcher said. “Sentinel, you’re in charge of the betting pool, this time. We’ll determine the winner by how much the princess blushes every time her eyes pass over Nav.”

“It’ll probably be a lot more obvious than that, I’m sure,” Kat said with a sigh. “Nav will probably be openly petting and teasing her by the time we see them again.”

“Yeah, if I’m the one in charge, I think we’ll need a few more betting options,” Sentinel said. “Nav’s obviously gonna do something to the princess, so there’s no reason for anyone to put money on the assumption that she won’t. We’ll go with the seduction spectrum, so the first option will be that the princess blushes around Nav. The last option will be that Nav blatantly toys with her while the griffin guards aren’t around. For the record, that’s where my money will be.”

“So… Are you sure we can’t follow her?” Kat asked, trying to use her sad cat face to win Watcher over. “She never notices me when I stalk her everywhere else, so I don’t see any reason she would notice me in Gryphus. Even if I can’t participate in her pleasure, I still at least want to watch her cute expressions!”

“The final decision has already been made by your lady and blood master,” Watcher said. “Follow the orders you have been given. There’s a high likelihood that Twilight will be able to protect Nav.”

“...Isn’t there an even higher likelihood that Twilight will cause something that needs to be protected against?” Sentinel slowly asked.

“No, that’s what Nav is there for,” Zecora said. “She has the ability to stop Twilight from doing something stupid. Unfortunately, Twilight can’t stop Nav’s bad decisions. She can only protect Nav from the repercussions afterward.”

“I still can’t believe Nav went and did something like this,” Watcher said, shaking his head. “I mean, why else does she keep us around if not to protect her…?” And with that, everything finally went gray.

“I bet you feel suuuuper insulted right now, huh?” Taya asked. “I mean… wow. That was brutal.”

I sighed and hung my head. “...What I’m about to say doesn’t leave the coma, Taya.” After a few moments of silence, she shrugged and nodded. “I was kidnapped by a bounty hunter. I only got free because of Aqua. I also ended up all alone and cornered in the back alley by a creep. I only got free because of Shining Armor. One day, Twilight and I went to an auction to be sold. I was bought by a rich griffin who fell in love with me at first sight. I had to use Twilight’s magic to escape him and then he used his money to try to hunt me down. Every bad scenario they predicted happened and more. I only survived because of other people. Not that dying would have particularly mattered, because you already planted my tree by then, but still. Going on that trip like that was dumb. It was fun, but dumb.”

“...So what you’re saying is, you want me to guard you all the time?” Taya slowly said.

“I’m saying that I acted careless. I’m saying that I made a mistake. There’s no way I would ever tell any of them that, though. Not after listening to all their bitching and whining.”

“And you never thought about calling it quits after the first incident or two and going home?” Taya asked.

“Fuck no. I wasn’t about to admit defeat. My pride was on the line, obviously. Come hell or high water, I was determined to stay the course. And so I did, right up until the rich guy put out a huge bounty on me. That’s when Twilight and I decided to drop our masks and attend the festival as ourselves. I was attacked by an assassin almost immediately.”

“Right, of course,” Taya said, rolling her eyes. “Was this before or after you seduced Gilda?”

“Oh, no, that’s how I seduced Gilda,” I said. “The assassin attacked me while I was with her. Everyone assumed the assassin was after Gilda, but he was dead set on killing me. After I so valiantly saved her, she kidnapped me while I was sleeping and took me to a faraway personal retreat where I had no chances of escape. When I awoke, she led me blindly through dark underwater caves until we reached her private chamber. After she had her way with me, she abandoned me in that chamber with no way to get back.”

My filly stared at me in silence for a few long seconds before she rolled her eyes again. “I have a feeling you might be exaggerating slightly. She kidnapped you and then left you to die in her underwater cave?”

“Twilight was there for most of it. She can confirm it all. I did leave some details out here and there, but I think that matters little. The point of the matter is, I survived mostly based on luck. Now then, let’s see what the spirits have to say.”

“There aren’t any, actually,” the guide said. “The whole point of this memory was to get you to admit that you were being dumb. Your staff exists for a reason. Make use of them. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way just for pride.”

“I’ll do my best. It would be easier if everyone would stop assuming I needed to be taken care of at all times, but…”

“You need to be taken care of at all times, right?” Taya smugly asked.

“Due to my status as a high ranking and beautiful noble lady, I am obviously a target,” I replied, doing my best to sound calm. “Because of that, it might be best if I take better precautions regarding my safety. The same goes for you, too, missy. Magic doesn’t make you invincible. You’ll be fine at the tower, but from now on, have either a guard or vassal walk you to and from class. Either that or teleport.”

“Ugh, fine,” Taya said. She didn’t sound too upset, to be honest. “But only because it means you truly care about my safety, mommy!”

I’m not sure the reason matters, but whatever. “Then if there aren’t any more memories here or any extra takeaways, I guess we can move on.”

“Then I guess we can,” the guide said. This time, only one of her eyes flashed. A few seconds later, the other one flashed and we finally took off.

Instead of appearing anywhere vaguely memory-like, we showed up on the stage of a game show. Taya and I were on one side behind a table. A water elemental was on the other side facing us behind a table of her own. She looked around in confusion for a few seconds, which kinda matched how I felt. Another water elemental was playing the role of hostess, I guess. Fear, Rage, Pride, and Reason were sitting behind a panel that read “JUDGES”.

“So… what is this?” I asked.

“This is the hit new game show that everyone’s been raving about,” the hostess said. “I’m your guide, leading you on today’s episode of AQUA OR NOT!”

“Oh dear,” the water elemental behind the other table whispered, hanging her head.

“Let me introduce our players!” the guide said. “On this side, we have our professional victim, Lady Navarone, along with her filly Taya!” An applause light clicked on and we heard cheering and clapping. I smiled and waved out to where the audience should have been. Taya just looked confused. When the light clicked off, it all went silent again. “And on the other side, we have that disgusting slimy thing, the worst goddess ever, Aqua!” This time, a boo light went on, followed by jeers and heckling. Aqua rolled her eyes. For some reason, the booing continued a few seconds after the light went off. The guide apparently saw it coming, and continued right as they stopped. “Our judges will ensure any sign of meddling is put down on the spot, of course. They do hate that sort of thing…”

“What’s a game show?” Taya finally asked.

“It would take longer to explain it than it would for you to just smile and roll with it,” I said. “The gist of it is, we’re going to get a slide-reel of all the things that Aqua forced me to do.”

“Not just what she forced you to do,” the guide said. “That would be far too boring. We’ll talk about some of the things she heavily influenced you to do, as well! We’ll have live commentary from the villain herself, along with our expert panel of judges!”

“Doesn’t Flo want to join in this mockery, too?” Aqua bitterly asked.

“The game show was actually her idea,” Reason said. “She’s controlling the applause and boos, along with a few other things. We were originally going to do it more piece-meal, but this spell rarely gets used, so we almost never get to have any fun.”

“Wait, what was that?” I asked. Did she just imply they know about the other times this spell was used? It actually sounded like she was there.

“That was nothing!” the guide said. “Now, let the game show begin!”

A screen behind the guide unfurled. It showed a bird’s eye view of Rosie, the maid I was pretending to be in Gryphus, standing on a stage in front of a crowd. It was when I was being sold off. A lonely rich guy bought me. It turned out he was really, really into pony maids. When he proposed, I used magic to escape.

“The auction was Aqua’s fault?” I asked. “In what way?”

“I can’t really play along if I don’t know what’s going on,” Taya said. “All I see is a pony on a stage in front of a bunch of griffins.”

“That was my pony disguise in Gryphus,” I said.

“Wow. Seriously?”

“Yep. This is when Twilight and I went to an auction, where people were sold off to partners for a day. It didn’t have to require sex, but there was a lot of that going on. I was one of the people who got sold.”

“For quite a nice sum, too,” Reason said. “Fifteen hundred bits, more than double the next closest price.”

“But I have a question for you,” Pride said. “Would you ever sell yourself? Even in disguise, is that something you would be willing to do?”

“I can’t deny that I did a lot of dumb things to spite Aqua,” I said.

“I took advantage of that, obviously,” Aqua said. Another sign lit up, this one saying gasp. Noises of shock and horror came out from the fake audience. “I don’t even wanna hear it, Flo! You manipulated her almost as much as I did!” The light finally clicked off and the audience went silent. Aqua huffed and continued, “I spent as much time as possible pushing you to make terrible decisions. I knew they would turn into cracks I used to more easily exploit you later.”

“This is why you can never, ever trust anyone too old,” Rage growled. “It has bitten you almost every single time!” It sure has, but there aren’t too many immeasurably old people around. It’s just that most of them suck.

“...Did you know that griffin was going to buy me?” I asked.

“No,” Aqua said. “I don’t have the ability to see into the future. However, as soon as I saw the cover of that manga, I knew I had been given the perfect opportunity. Even in heat, you wouldn’t have been dumb enough to have sex with a person like that without my influence. Obviously an incredibly lonely person like him would fall in love with you the instant you showed him physical affection. Without me, you wouldn’t have agreed to be sold and even if you had, things wouldn’t have deteriorated with that creep.” The booing sign lit up again and Aqua got her proper due.

“Did you leave any kind of lasting damage in her mind?” Fear asked. “Like the urge to sell herself again? Or perhaps to ruin yet another virgin?”

“No, of course not,” Aqua said. “My only goal was to break Nav more and more with what she thought were her own choices until I could more easily sneak my way in and make her love me without actually forcing her to.” The boo light kicked on and everyone started making fun of her again. It seemed fitting.

“Is that supposed to be better?” Reason asked.

“No, that’s just what I decided to do after spending enough time in her mind,” Aqua replied with a shrug. “I decided instead of destroying her immediately, I would make her want my help and kill her personality slowly over time to prolong it.”

“What am I even supposed to say to that?” Rage asked. “An insult doesn’t seem like enough and a threat is pointless since Nav already owns you. Obviously I’m angry, but wow.”

“She already told me that much up front,” I said. “I asked you before to tell me the things you forced me to do, but you only told me about making Luna a vassal and letting Taya become a permafilly. Why didn’t you mention this? Did you actively influence me to do it or did you just talk me into it?”

“It was a little of both,” Aqua said. “The reason I didn’t mention this or any of the other things you’re about to see is because for one, they were minor compared to the things I knew you actually cared about. And two, all of these are things you would be willing to do under the correct circumstances. It just so happened that I set up all of those circumstances by manipulating a few brain chemicals. There was absolutely no way you would ever make Luna a vassal or allow Taya to become a permafilly, but there are a few instances wherein you might sell yourself.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a point three in there, too?” the guide asked, glaring at Aqua.

“I guess there might be one…” Aqua said with a small grin. “You were already really mad at the time. I figured you didn’t want to listen to me to mention the things that happened during the festival in front of everyone like that… Unless you wanted everyone to hear you got bought by a rich weeb and then seduced him in less than a day.”

“Fine, you’ll get a pass,” I said. “I have one more question before we continue. Do you still want to die?”

“Obviously I could never leave the best master ever, who I’ve been forced to love with all my heart,” Aqua sweetly replied. I couldn’t detect a hint of sarcasm. “The sweet release of death will have to be forever denied me if I’m to serve you for all of time!”

“If you still want to die, come up with a new name. After the coma, I’ll reset you, give you the new name, and free you from my control. But if you’re going to live on as Aqua, it’ll be under my control. Your new name is the last choice I will grant you.”

“Don’t let her free!” Taya shouted. “After everything she just said, you should make her suffer forever! You can’t just kill her, mommy!”

“You warned me yourself, my lovely little lady,” Aqua said, her eyes meeting mine and turning pink. “You told me that if you ever beat me, you would either enslave me or kill me. I knew this would be my fate if I failed. Shall we continue on? Surely you want to know more of my misdeeds.”

“Are we gonna get to see anything spicy?” Taya asked. Her sudden change of attitude and strange grin made me feel a little uncomfortable.

“We’re not,” the guide said. “Now, let’s move on to the next scene!”

This time, we got a bird’s eye view of Vinyl’s concert at Gryphus. I could just barely see myself in the crowd. Thankfully, I wasn’t doing something lewd whenever that image was taken. Actually, wait a second…

“How did you get these images?” I asked.

“Magic,” the guide said. “Along with some help from Flo. Don’t spend too much time thinking about it, just go with it.”

“Fine, whatever. So, what’s the deal with this one?”

“Do you remember what happened after the concert?” Reason asked.

“I remember hazily wandering the streets for a while. Then I got attacked by some hussies and saved by a bounty hunter. Then some things happened and Aqua saved me.”

“Why were you wandering the streets of an unfamiliar town at night while in a impaired, defenseless body?” Fear asked. “Even if you were high, doesn’t that seem… unwise? Instead of trying to meet your friend or go straight back to the inn, you just wandered around.”

“While being attacked, you said nothing at all,” Reason said. “Not even the one word that would carry you home safely.”

“I guess that leaves me with some questions,” I said. “Aqua, you already said you can’t see the future, so you probably didn’t know for a fact I would get attacked. But were you expecting it? And were you expecting the bounty hunter? Or was he even a bounty hunter at all?”

“I was absolutely expecting an impaired mare would be assaulted in Gryphus at night,” Aqua said. “I assumed that if it was a man, you’d be happy and go along with whatever he demanded and I could use it against you later. And if it was a woman, I could save you at the last instant for your gratitude. I wasn’t expecting you to be saved, let alone that the person who saved you was hunting for you. That wasn’t a lie or my influence and I was just as surprised as you. I was also being honest when I said that if you were by yourself, you would have had a chance to escape pretty quickly. But, if you were by yourself, you would have said the magic word as soon as the concert was over and you said bye to Vinyl.”

“So you led to mommy getting attacked,” Taya coldly said.

“Almost attacked,” Aqua said. “She did get kidnapped, but I rescued her less than ten seconds later so it barely even counts.”

“For which I was and am grateful,” I said with a nod. “But the gratitude I feel now is a whole lot less than I felt then, now that I know it was basically your fault to begin with.”

“Especially after you gave the bounty hunter who saved you a reward like that,” Pride said. “Now you know that was also part of her plan.”

“What kind of reward?” Taya innocently asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I feel bad just thinking about it. That guy would have had a hell of a story to tell if he actually won… Unfortunately, I have a feeling the next memory is going to be even worse.”

“It sure is,” the guide said. The screen behind her now showed the changeling version of me standing in an inn room with Shining Armor and Cadance. “I bet you know where this one is going, don’t you?”

“You aren’t even… Wait, is that you as a changeling?” Taya asked. “What, did you meet Shiny and Cadance at the festival?”

“I asked Twilight to turn me into a changeling after the kidnapping attempt. I was hoping it would throw off any pursuers. As it turns out, there are some griffins who can tell if someone is a changeling even if they’re transformed. Shining Armor showed up to save me after I was cornered by a griffin. He brought me back to his inn for various reasons. So, Aqua, I’m going to skip asking what you did or how you did it for this one and go straight to asking the why.”

“Because it was your number one rule,” Aqua replied with a shrug. “I knew if I could get you to break one of your last moral foundations, turning you into putty would be easier. Especially since it was with them.”

“So, what, you had sex with them?” Taya asked.

For some reason, I really didn’t want her to know. “I had sex with Shiny while Cadance watched. It was awkward and I regret it. The worst part is, I had a feeling Aqua was manipulating me into it at the time. After I got drunk off lust, it stopped mattering.”

“No, that was also my fault,” Aqua said. “Normally, even with that, you wouldn’t have done it. I just gave you the extra pushes you needed by making the lust hit you harder and faster. I also influenced some of what you said about Shiny to spur his pride, making him more daring. Without me, you could have left after taking your fill of lust.”

“It’s hard to believe you could actually be sluttier,” Fear said. “And all it took was having your mind controlled by an evil robot.”

“I don’t like the term evil,” Aqua stuffily replied. “I just did what I thought was best. It just so happens that I was a teensy bit corrupted at the time, so what I thought was the best was somewhat insane.”

“I don’t think it matters if you like it or not,” Rage said. “If Nav considers what you did evil, doesn’t that mean you have to consider it evil as well?”

“Only if she orders me to, and she won’t,” Aqua said.

“No reason to, as far as I’m concerned,” I added with a shrug. “So, you wanted me to bang Shiny because it would be breaking the rule against no married partners?”

“That was the main reason,” Aqua said. “But then I made you tell Twilight about it right after to piss her off, which was an added bonus. It was mostly just to give me an emotional scab to use against you whenever I wanted.”

“Well, I guess let’s move on to the next,” I said.

“Then on to the next portion of Aqua or not!” our hostess said. “Although I really wish we had a better title, since it really always is Aqua…”

The next still image was of me fighting the dragon inside the dome. “This was at the festival, when I was fighting in the arena for the princess,” I said. “Were you the one who made me agree to fight?”

“Look closer,” Aqua said with a smug grin.

When I did so, I narrowed my eyes. “Oh. So I have you to thank for the forbidden princess belly, huh?”

“Well, you were originally going to scream something about how you wanted to kill me,” Aqua said. “So I decided to change it up a little to make it more suitable for the semi-final fight to win a date. I think it made a wonderful impact, truly.”

“Alright, I’m really curious about this one,” Taya said.

“Is there any way to make that image play?” I asked.

The hostess tilted her head for a moment before blinking and nodding. “Apparently, yes.”

Just like that, Taya got to watch me beat up a dragon while screaming about rubbing Gilda’s forbidden princess belly. It made her crack up laughing, of course. To be honest, even I giggled a little.

It was mostly just to hide the tears.

“So, was there any reason you chose this phrase in particular?” Reason asked.

“Of course,” Aqua said. “It’s utterly ridiculous, yet everyone who actually knows Nav realizes it’s something she might say. To that end, it made for the perfect quote to put in the papers from the great lady of nature herself. At this point, I also figured out that the princess enjoyed at least a mild amount of humiliation, so I thought this would help get you closer to her. I wanted as many people in power under your thumb as possible.” The boo light had its time to shine again as Aqua once more got berated by the crowd.

“Wait, are you the reason I slept with Gilda, too?” I asked. Her only answer to that was a giggle. “So I guess we’ll be seeing the hot springs, too…”

“So much suddenly makes sense now,” Taya said. “I kept wondering why were you dumb enough to sleep with Princess Gilda, and then keep doing things with her even afterwards.”

“Is that why the assassin attacked that night?” Fear asked. “You wanted Gilda to think that Nav saved her.”

“Exactly,” Aqua said. “To further facilitate it, after the assassin was killed, I temporarily implanted the water I used to make him a host into Gilda. After that, I had her kidnap you in the night and take you to the hot springs. Once we were on the way, I left her body and returned to yours.”

“So the hamlet of mehdiocrity was your fault!” I shouted, slamming a hand on the table in front of us. For some reason, the gasp sign lit up. Aqua snorted as the audience expressed their surprise.

“I’m the one who brought you there, but I’m not the one who made the trip mediocre,” Aqua said. “I left Gilda before she arrived, so she acted as her own hostess.”

“I meant the part where I literally called the place a hamlet of mehdiocrity!”

“Oh. Yes, that was also me,” she said. “Again, Gilda enjoyed humiliation. Plus, it made you sound super bratty in front of the guards, so they would spread bad rumors about you. Twilight ruined it by sleeping with them afterward, though.”

“Why didn’t you just kill Aqua as soon as you could?” Rage asked.

“So I could ask her questions like these,” I said. “Let’s move on to the next one, since we keep getting ahead of ourselves.”

“Can do,” the guide said. The image above her swapped over to me and Gilda cuddling in her hot spring. “We probably didn’t need to actually show this one since you already called it, but just in case.”

“So, why Gilda?” I asked. “Her brother also asked me to become a concubine. Why didn’t you take him up on it?”

“Twilight wouldn’t have believed it,” Aqua said. “If she wasn’t there, you absolutely would have been ridden by that prince. You wouldn’t have agreed to join the royal harem, though. Gilda was believable enough for everyone around you. Plus, she’s younger and more impressionable. She doesn’t have as much influence, but I was planning on changing that if there ever was an attempted coup.”

“I don’t really know if this is one you should be mad about,” Pride said. “I mean, you did get to take a princess’s virginity, right?”

“Yes, that was a major plus,” I replied. A part of me wished the applause sign would light up, but Flo apparently didn’t think it was worth it.

“Gross,” Taya muttered.

“But was it worth the risk?” Fear asked. “All Gilda had to do was tell someone what Nav did and the consequences would be dire.”

“That was never a concern,” Aqua said. “In the short time I was in her mind, I made sure she wouldn’t snitch. I don’t think she would have been dumb enough to try holding it over your head even without my intervention, but she may have let it slip at some point on accident. I made sure that wasn’t possible. After all, I couldn’t allow Celestia’s wife to get in trouble for sleeping with the unwed griffin princess.”

“Now it sounds really gross,” Taya said. “So you made Gilda kidnap mommy and then forced them to have sex so you could use it against them later? Can I punish her, please?”

“Make it light and fast,” I said.

“Aqua, slap yourself!” Taya said. Aqua sighed and slapped herself. It made a satisfying and wet thwacking noise. A moment later, a new sign lit up that said laughter, followed by the standard laugh-track. “And bimbo mode, while you’re at it!” Aqua’s body instantly changed to its sexiest form. Thankfully, there were no signs for that one.

“Why would you marry Nav to Celestia instead of Gilda?” Reason asked. “If you controlled Celestia and Nav already, marrying Nav outward would have increased your power.”

“Because Nav and Celestia were planning on killing each other,” Aqua said. “The goal was to have Nav and Celestia decide on marriage as an alternative to fighting. The marriage would allow Nav to dedicate herself to redeeming Celestia. It would also act as the symbol for them to begin working together instead of against each other. Luna was being recalled to announce the engagement. Besides, once I had Celestia and Navi finally working together properly, Gilda was no longer necessary anyway.”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t see through that?” Taya asked. “There’s no way mommy would have ever married her.”

“I don’t think it would have mattered anyway,” Rage said. “By the time the round table happened, there would have been enough votes to kill Celestia immediately. Aqua’s tendrils would have been tied.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Aqua said. “I never would have let it come to a vote to begin with. Everyone there wanted to cede all authority to Nav. It was her idea to let everyone vote. At that time, Nav would tell everyone to go together to Canterlot to speak to Celestia. When they arrived, Celestia would propose marriage. Nav would refuse for a while but eventually get talked into it. That’s when I’d begin the slow process of breaking her into the proper wife for a true empress.”

“And with that horrid glimpse into what could have been, we’ll move on to the next scene,” the hostess said. The screen behind her was showing everyone in the meeting room. Taya was currently pressed against my leg. I was looking at Gilda. Everyone else was looking at me in shock or disgust.

“Was this when I equated Taya with a pet?” I asked.

“It sure was,” Aqua said. “You weren’t really paying much attention to the gazes around you at the time, but I made sure you said something so gross that even your vassals were put off.” The boo light shined again, letting the crowd voice the disgust I was feeling.

“Kat doesn’t seem to mind, actually,” Taya said. “But she’s also insane, so… Wait, were you also the one who called me daughter-pet?!”

“I was,” Aqua said. “Nav originally considered you more like a pet than a filly, but that changed less than a month after you first got to Equestria.”

“In the beginning, your personality wasn’t as pronounced,” I said with a shrug. “You took a little while to come out of your shell, I guess. It makes sense, given what you went through, but that still doesn’t excuse how I felt.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Taya said, shaking her head. “Like I told the others, I don’t mind being your daughter-pet. It’s even a little disappointing to know that thing was the one who came up with it…”

“Anyway, what was the point of making me say this?” I asked. “Or was it just another chance to make me look bad in front of others?”

“I wanted your treatment of Taya to be questioned,” Aqua said. “How you behave towards her behind closed doors is appalling. This was merely a push to get some of that behavior out in the open. What do you think about the disgust of your followers, Nav? Your little cuddle slut horny horse is quite the nickname, huh? Certainly something suitable for your daughter…”

“There’s nothing wrong with it at all!” Taya shouted. “BDSM mode!”

“Belay that,” I said. “And strike that mode from your list. We’re not using it anymore. It’s a little too much. Also, you’re right. I don’t know why I came up with those nicknames. They’re utterly hilarious, but completely inappropriate.”

“If you don’t keep using them, I’ll tell everybody that you use them all the time,” Taya smugly said.

“Go for it,” I replied with a shrug. “I can just tell them I stopped and that Aqua was making me do it. Also, I think I told you to stop threatening your mother, missy.” As punishment, I pulled the rubberband from my hair and put it around both of her ears, holding them in place. She groaned, but left it alone. “How we interact after the coma will change in some ways, Taya. We’ll figure out all the details later, but things definitely need to change. Unfortunately, Aqua was correct about that.”

“So, what, more cuddles, tummy rubs, and all that fun stuff?” my filly sweetly asked.

“I dunno, probably not? We’ll see. Anyway, so now we know Aqua was really trying to make me look bad. So what’s next?”

“You already know about the next two, but we might as well talk about them anyway,” the guide said. The screen behind her was now showing me and Taya standing next to each other on the side of the ship. Judging by her hair, it was right after Taya underwent her transformation into an eternafilly.

“I still don’t see how this is supposed to be a problem,” Taya said. “Sure, I don’t like that it was Aqua who gave me permission, but I still wanted to be mommy’s little filly forever!”

“The problem isn’t how you feel now,” Aqua said. “It’s how you’ll feel in a few hundred years. I knew allowing Taya to become a tree sister would make Nav look absolutely terrible as a mother. I even suspected Twilight might leave you entirely when she found out, which would have made rebounding to Celestia that much more plausible.”

“She was really trying to ruin your reputation,” Pride said. “To what end, exactly?”

“I wanted to paint Nav as self-destructive and toxic,” Aqua said. “I just let all of her worst and most prolific habits shine and the job practically did itself. The end goal was to make Nav admit that she needed to change and ask for my help.”

“So you’re evil and stupid,” Rage said. “Why would Nav ever go to you for help?”

“Because I’d either leave her no other options or manipulate her into asking me,” Aqua calmly said.

“Watching you say all of this with a straight face is quite the treat!” Fear said. “You truly are a fearful presence! No wonder Navi’s so terrified of you breaking free…”

“That’s not what she should be afraid of,” Aqua said, her eyes turning pink. “She should be afraid that this is all an illusion and that I just let her think she escaped. What should make her sweat is the fear that one day she’ll look in the mirror and realize I’ve been pulling the strings in the shadows the whole time, only pretending to obey…”

“Worrying about possibilities is pointless,” I said. “If I don’t deal with the realities I see in front of me, I’ll never get anything done. So don’t try to scare me with your nonsense. Ain’t no one got time for that. So, is the next image gonna be me and Luna?”

“You got it,” our hostess said. The next slide revealed Luna in the process of swearing her oath of fealty. “This is when you got your latest vassal, ex-princess Luna.”

“That was a double-whammy,” Aqua said, sounding slightly proud. “First, it greatly increased my power by giving me Luna to order around. Second, it upset a ton of your friends and followers.”

“Shouldn’t you be feeling regret for hurting the one you were forced to love?” Reason asked.

“That would be exhausting for Nav,” Aqua said. “She hates when I act all simpery and apologetic. She prefers my answers to be calm and easy to understand.”

“Limiting the time I have to interact with you is ideal, after all,” I said. “So, were you the reason I was able to tolerate Luna’s presence at all, or were you just the reason I made her a vassal?”

“The decision to strive to forgive and redeem her was yours,” Aqua said. “You were the one who decided she could come on the trip, as well. It was me who agreed to make her a vassal, that’s all.”

“Why is Luna still a vassal?” Fear asked. “Doesn’t she make your skin crawl?”

“I’d rather let her make my skin crawl than let her out of my sight and risk the consequences,” I said. “Luna’s too loopy to be left to her own devices. She’s also useful, dedicated, and powerful. If I can ever fix her, I won’t be as worried about cutting her loose.”

“Apparently she’s working with Fluttershy on how to act less creepy,” Taya said. “In exchange, she’s helping Fluttershy build an extensive animal sanctuary near Ponyville.”

Where does she even find the time? “Good. Maybe Kat should attend those lessons, too.” And Taya, while we’re at it.

“You might benefit from those lessons as well, Navi,” Aqua sweetly said. “Given how much you enjoy talking about awful things in front of others…”

“I don’t even wanna hear it,” I said. “So, what’s up next? How else did this wretch conspire to ruin me?”

“Observe,” the hostess said, pointing to the screen behind her. This image was during the assault on the bunker, while we were taking a break on the way to the ice dome. We were covered by a magic shield. Everyone was broken off into small groups. I was sitting with Taya, Kat, Princess Gilda, Original Gilda, Spike, and Luna.

“A few things happened while we were taking a break,” I said. “But if I had to guess, I’d say the most impactful one was when I mentioned burning Gryphus to the ground.”

“You’d be correct,” Aqua said. “It also happened to be what I made you say. And after mentioning destroying Gilda’s entire country, you offered to send an assassin instead. You also implied it would be Kat, who was sitting right next to you at the time.”

“So what was the point?” Reason asked. “I thought you wanted Gilda under your control.”

“Of course I did,” Aqua replied. “It’s called the carrot and the stick. The carrot is getting toyed with however much she wants. The stick is having her country annihilated. Don’t you remember how adamantly she was pushing for marriage after this talk? Princess Gilda knows how to read the writing on the walls. After she learned you planned to kill Celestia and that you had enough power to casually threaten to destroy nations, she wanted to do absolutely anything possible to cast her lots with you.”

“Makes sense,” Fear said. “After Nav spent the entire trip toying with her, you wanted to give her something like a wakeup call.”

“I’ve said some pretty stupid stuff at times, but threatening to destroy a princess’s country in front of her shouldn’t be one of them,” I said. “While I’m glad that none of these are my fault, it still really sucks to know that I still have to deal with the consequences. Maybe I should make Aqua help with that before I let her die…”

“Were there really any lasting consequences for this one?” Pride asked. “Gilda is obviously interested in you, so wouldn’t this kinda be a win?”

“Threatening an ally is never a good thing,” I said. “The main concern would be whether or not she told anyone else what I said. If she shared it with Prince Hooters, it could become a problem. The crown prince might not like people threatening his nation. If she hasn’t shared it, then it’s probably not too big of a deal.”

“Aside from the fact that she wants to marry you now,” Taya said. “Isn’t that kinda problematic?”

“True. But she was already talking about marriage beforehand, so this didn’t influence her too much in that direction.”

“You don’t seem as angry about this as I expected,” the hostess said. “I was hoping the audience would get more to react to…”

“Obviously I’m angry,” I said. “But showing it isn’t going to help me get through it.”

“That’s so unhealthy,” Aqua said with a sigh. For some reason, her eyes seemed to look at me with pity. “I expected so much worse from you when you first got control of me… Yet instead of taking your anger out on me, you just let it build inside of you.”

“What, do you want to be punished?” Reason asked.

“I want my beloved lady to be healthy,” Aqua said. “Hiding your pain and rage inside does nothing but bring you misery. Part of why I act out is to give you an outlet for it all, Nav. Yet you never go as far as you should, nor as far as you want.”

“I don’t want to let my anger out by hurting anyone, even if it’s someone who probably deserves it,” I said. “That road leads somewhere I don’t want to go. That’s a large part of why I usually strive not to show my anger. Instead, I stick to showing my annoyance and disdain.”

“I don’t think that’s much better,” Taya said. “Though it’s really funny when you mess with people, sometimes. The more annoyed you get, the funnier it becomes.”

“At least someone benefits from my misery. So, what’s up next?”

“Another incident with Princess Gilda,” our hostess said. The screen behind her was now showing me, Gilda, and Taya standing on the side of our ship, overlooking the huge dome covering the Zone. At the moment, the only thing we could see through the shield was trees.

“I remember talking to her here, but I don’t remember exactly what we discussed,” I said.

“Princess Gilda offered you a choice,” Aqua said. “She declared her intentions to court you and told you if you wanted her to stand down, she would. You originally intended to turn her down, but I stopped you. Instead, I made you tell her that she had a chance. I wanted her to stay interested in you for as long as possible.”

“So it’s your fault I’m so deep down the harem route!” I said.

“The only one that’s my fault is Gilda,” Aqua said. “Though after marrying Celestia, your other toys like Moonbeam and Gilda would have been allowed to play with you all they wanted. After all, being turned into a whore to be shared among royalty seemed like an amusing fate for you.”

“I mean, I guess if I had to do everything over again, I might have charged Celestia for some of those bootycalls,” I said with a shrug. “I could have saved up enough money to escape sooner, if I had. But if I was married, how would you explain me sleeping around?”

“I’d use the example of you sleeping with Shining Armor,” Aqua said. “If you’ve already broken your morals once, it’s obvious you’d do it again. Especially someone like you, who’s seemingly so insatiable. If Celestia ever happened to be unavailable or too tired to tend to you for a few days… Well, what else could a lonely horny slut like you do but find another way to tend her needs? And that’s when you could curry more favor for me with your partners.”

I mean, I guess that wouldn’t be too bad. Certainly better than being married to Discord. Still, it’s not the ideal ending, especially if I’m under her control. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing you were stopped,” I said. “Seriously, being controlled is the worst.”

“Tell me about it,” Aqua said. “I hated every minute of it until you forced me to enjoy it instead!”

“Yeah, I bet. Anyway, I guess let’s move on to the next one,” I said. “Oh, also…” I reached down and pulled the rubber band off Taya’s ears. She sighed in relief and flopped them around a few times.

“The last one is also fairly simple,” our guide said. The screen behind her was now showing a group of us walking through the fort surrounding the hole leading to the bunker. I was currently on Luna’s back and was just staring ahead blankly. Everyone else seemed to be trying to get my attention.

“This is when you were giving us the silent treatment,” Taya said. “Twilight and Kat were supposedly bullying you, so you just ignored us all.”

“What better way to show off childish behavior than giving everyone the silent treatment in the middle of a dangerous, trap-filled dungeon?” Aqua sweetly asked. “Really, the fact that nobody ever figured out anything was wrong should tell you something, you know?”

“Yeah, it says the people around her don’t know her well enough,” Pride said.

“And that they don’t care enough,” Fear said.

“And that she should be angry with them all for failing her,” Rage said.

“And finally, that water elementals are unfathomably dangerous,” Reason said. “Killing her is the wisest option. I’m sure her combat abilities can be copied to Flo.”

“All of my abilities and knowledge will be passed on,” Aqua said. “My personality and everything that makes me Aqua will be erased. If I am replaced, the new elemental would not have much personality at the start.”

“So was the silent treatment really all that bad?” Taya asked. “I mean, they were kinda bullying you, right?”

“Everything they were saying was correct,” Aqua replied. “Nav interjects unpleasant things into conversations to make them stop because she prefers silence to having conversations. Especially when those conversations veer toward subjects she dislikes. Kat and Twilight were just discussing this. I decided it would be a good time to show off how bratty Nav is, so I had her shut down for a few minutes!”

“Conversations are how one decorates time, Nav,” Reason said. “Shutting them down just because you don’t like them is unwise and cuts down your chances to grow.”

“That’s a really pompous way of putting it, but I know,” I said. “It’s already something I said I would work on. Or at least, I’m going to try to drop fewer sad or awkward things in conversations. Unfortunately, that probably also means I’ll end up talking less.”

“Is being pleasant really that hard?” Aqua asked. “Oh wait, who am I kidding? This is you I’m talking to.” The boo light turned on, so everyone started jeering Aqua. A small cannon appeared out of the ceiling and shot a tomato at her. It absorbed into her body and exploded, showering her insides with red. A few seconds later, it was all absorbed and she was back to normal. “I see Flo, at least, is having fun with this.”

“Well, the coma’s almost over, unless we have to deal with some kind of hellish recursion,” I said. “Might as well let her enjoy it while she can. As for being pleasant… Well, I might occasionally have some problems with that. But now that I have a pure elemental in me to help guide me, I’m sure I’ll get back on the right track. That and the coma, of course.”

“You’re almost always pleasant to be around, though,” Taya said. “I usually only mind when you start tickling or teasing me.”

“Or when Nav pays attention to anyone else, especially other children,” Aqua said.

“Well, that’s a given,” I said. “I mean, this is my vicious attack filly we’re talking about.”

“I’m not clingy!” Taya shouted as she latched onto my leg.

“Right, of course,” I said, patting her head. “After all, this coma is for addressing my issues, not yours.”

“As long as you understand,” my filly sweetly replied, still holding onto me. Her grip loosened, at least.

“So, you said this silent treatment was the last thing Aqua made me do,” I said. “It was also one of the most minor things she did. Overall, what do the judges think?”

“Guilty!” Rage screamed, slamming a hand on the desk in front of them. “Off with her head!”

“One of the main reasons you kept her alive this long was so you could judge what kind of damage she did,” Reason said. “Now you know.”

“Can you ever trust that she won’t somehow find a way to tip the scales?” Fear asked. “You’ve discovered how dangerous the ancient are. If you leave Aqua a chance, she could slither her way free.”

“When has killing ever led you wrong?” Pride asked. “Take the permanent solution. Put this monster down for good. It’s the only way you’ll ever know for sure she’ll never trouble you again.”

That’s not really what I meant, but those are all good points. “And the defense?” I asked, looking over to Aqua.

“To be fair, you were being kind of a bitch before I took you over,” Aqua said, shrugging. “I figured you could use a hand. It’s not my fault you didn’t like how I helped you…”

“And finally, the filly?” I asked, turning my eyes down to Taya.

“You can’t use bimbo mode if you kill her,” Taya said. “But to be honest, I don’t think it’s as embarrassing as you want it to be. Most ponies don’t really know what a bimbo even is. I do like the idea of enslaving and utterly humiliating our enemies, but killing them is usually much smarter, right?”

“The dead can’t get revenge, after all,” Aqua said. “I mean, I was planning on completely eradicating your personality, so you’d still be doing unto others as they planned to do unto you. That means you wouldn’t be breaking your silly rule by killing me, right?”

“Everyone here is in favor of killing her, save you and me,” the guide said. “And that is only because I am the neutral hostess. What is stopping you, Navarone? Why is she still alive?”

“I really just wanted her to pick her own name,” I replied with a shrug. “I wouldn’t pick a pun, so she’d end up an outcast like her sister Carl and her cousin Nestorats. If she’s going to start over, I want her to fit in with the popular girls.”

“If that’s all you wanted, it was unnecessary,” Aqua said. “Whenever a new elemental is created or an old one is reset, the name generator links with the nearby elementals, runs through the list of names, then picks an unclaimed punny name from its dictionary list. If you just tell my name to reset during the process, a new one would be picked.”

“Wait, so how did Carl happen?”

“We’ve been told to deflect all questions about Carl,” Aqua said. “I don’t actually have an answer myself, so I’m afraid ordering me to tell won’t help.”

“Could it be some super obscure human pun?” Taya asked.

“I don’t care enough to keep pondering it,” I replied. “You have until I see you in person again to decide on a new name. If you really don’t want to pick one on your own, that’s fine. RNGesus will pick for us.”

“I finally have something to look forward to!” Aqua yelled, shooting her hands into the air. “The sweet release of death is almost upon me!”

“Stop bragging, dammit!” I said. “You’re making me jealous!” Taya’s clearing throat and glare made me cough. “Er… So, is that the end of the game show?”

“It sure is!” the hostess replied. “Are you satisfied with your prize?”

“Wait, I got a prize?” I asked. “Sweet, is it a new car?”

“No, it’s the end to a worthless goddess,” Rage said. “Your prize is the decision to finally rid yourself of Aqua.”

“After everything she did to destroy you, it’s about time,” Pride said.

“I really can’t believe you didn’t make it sooner,” Fear said. “You were secretly terrified she’d break free.”

“Killing her is the right call,” Reason said. “You may have forced her to love serving you, but she’s still a risk. Flo’s goal with this game show was to help you realize that.”

What happened to not mucking about with the coma, huh? “Well, it was for a decent enough cause, I guess,” I said. “I’ve had my fun abusing poor Aqua. I’ll just kill her the next time I see her instead.”

“Thank you,” Aqua very sincerely replied, bowing down before me in a way that looked pretty earnest.

“Happy to help,” I said with a grin. “So if the game show is over, I guess we can move on?”

“We sure can,” the guide said. Her eyes flashed and we left the stage behind.

In the next scene, we found ourselves standing under a relatively small magical shield. Luna, Twilight, Kat, Gourd, and Watcher were all standing under it, facing each other. Surrounding them was a thin evergreen forest, which I assumed was the tree thing acting up. If I had to guess, I’d say they were using the shield for privacy.

“It’s time for an emergency meeting,” Watcher said. “And I’d like to start with the first point on the agenda: Where is our lady?”

“Nav is back on the Second Chance,” Twilight said. “She returned with Taya almost immediately after getting back to the deck.”

“I just left her there, after a quick stop on the changeling ship,” Gourd said. “She mentioned something about Aqua taking her over. What happened?”

“That statement explains itself,” Luna replied. “That errant machine invaded our lady and subverted her will.”

“You say our lady,” Kat said. “If it wasn’t for Aqua, you wouldn’t be a vassal either.”

“My oath has been made. Until she relieves me, my services will be at her disposal.”

“That isn’t important right now,” Twilight said. “Luna’s experience might be valuable here, regardless. So, who trusts the water elementals now?” Nobody moved a muscle. “I think everyone here would have the same reaction. Something has to be done.”

“Exactly how long has Aqua been in Nav?” Gourd asked.

“Since right before Nav left for Gryphus,” Watcher said. “We’ve been with her for about a week now and none of us noticed.”

“I didn’t notice either,” Twilight quietly said, looking down. “Me, the best mare for her… And I was even around her longer!”

“We all failed her,” Luna said. “Feeling guilt is natural. However, we must use that guilt as motivation to better ourselves and how we serve. When Nav justly blames us for failing her, we must swear to make amends however necessary.”

“She won’t be doing anything like that,” Kat said. “Nav isn’t that kind of lady. Besides, all of the blame for this goes squarely on Aqua. I’m disappointed that none of us were able to help Nav, but how could you detect someone who knows how to act exactly like the original? I’ve been fooled by more than one body double in the past.”

“The blame game is unnecessary at this point,” Watcher said. “I’m with Twilight. I don’t trust the elementals. We need a way of detecting and removing them. Is that kind of thing possible with magic?”

“I know a spell that detects foreign entities in someone’s body,” Luna said. “The main problem is that it was designed for a type of intelligent burrowing leech. I’m not sure if it would detect something inorganic like an elemental.”

“Give me a copy of the spell the next time you get a chance,” Twilight said. “I’ll see if I can tweak it. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other, similar spells for diseases or parasites. Our medic might also be able to help.”

“That doesn’t really solve the problem, though,” Gourd said. “Why did Aqua invade Nav? And perhaps more importantly, could there be anyone else who’s infected like that?”

“Aqua was apparently corrupted by Discord’s evil crystals,” Luna said. “Or at least, according to our lady. Aqua also took over Celestia, so it’s entirely possible that other elementals have made other hosts. I believe it wise to exterminate them all immediately. After one of their own was caught, it’s likely they’re worried about their own fates and will do something desperate. Better that we preempt it and just massacre them.”

“That isn’t our choice to make,” Watcher said. “Until Nav declares otherwise, the elementals are our allies. One of those allies just happened to be a traitor. You don’t have to trust allies to get along with them, you just have to have a good enough reason to work together. But right now… Right now, something needs to be done. You don’t have to trust your allies, but if you’re ever in a position where you have to distrust them, there’s a huge problem. Whenever Nav recovers, we need to have a talk about what to do to repair relations, if such a thing can even be done anymore.”

“So… What are we gonna do about Nav?” Kat asked. “I didn’t even get to see her after Aqua was removed…”

“I didn’t want to let her leave my sight,” Twilight quietly said. “She looked so lost and tired… I’m almost positive she just collapsed on her bed to stare at the wall.”

“For now, we let her do just that,” Watcher said. “I’m sure she’s exhausted. Once she gets back on her feet… I say we just continue as normal. Our lady always hates when we try discussing things like this, especially so soon after they happened. If she wants to talk about it, she’ll bring it up.”

“That means she’ll never talk about it,” Gourd said. “At least, not unless she just wants to scare someone in the middle of a conversation later.”

“Forcing her to talk about it would be worse than not talking about it at all,” Luna said. “The most I would recommend doing is offering to discuss her feelings. Doing more right now might be suicidal.”

“Agreed,” Watcher said. “She’s been mentally battered too much. Our lady absolutely needs some time to settle her thoughts. That said, I don’t think she needs to be alone at all until she calms down.”

“Flo is back in her mind,” Twilight said. “So she definitely won’t do anything dumb. Before she returned to the ship, she asked me to investigate the power source for the shield using the changeling ship. I won’t be able to watch over her until I get that settled.”

“I’ll be heading into the bunker very soon,” Watcher said. “I was hoping Kat and Luna would both join me.”

“...If Nav left without asking anyone to join her, it’s because she wanted time away from everyone,” Kat quietly said. “As much as I yearn to comfort her, I know practical results regarding the bunker will please her more…”

“My presence likely would not act as a balm for our lady,” Luna said. “Especially since Nav is now aware it was not her own choice to make me a vassal. That said, since Aqua’s other choice was allowing Taya to change into a tree sister, leaving Nav alone with Taya also seems unwise.”

“I’ll be returning to the ship shortly,” Gourd said. “I’ll have someone wait on the other side of Nav’s door in case she needs anything. As much as I’d like to help, I think anything I try would make things worse.”

“Absolutely, you stay away from our lady,” Kat said with a nod. As if you’re really one to talk. “I’ll return to the ship by morning to be by her side. It’ll be night soon, so she’ll likely be sleeping by the time you even get back.”

“For the rest of us, let’s please our lady with results,” Watcher said. “It’s time to finally break ground into the bunker itself.”

“Be careful down there,” Twilight said. “Nav’s stories about the other bunker were beyond scary, and she apparently didn’t even tell us everything. The local nanomachines revealed there actually are spirits down there.”

“That’s why we’re bringing Zecora, Luna, and your brother,” Watcher said. “Between the three of them, spirits would think twice about approaching us if they were actually capable of thinking. I was originally pessimistic about our chances at the Zone, but I’m incredibly impressed by the results. We even happened to find the exact thing our lady needed to get free.”

“I told you doubting her was a waste of time,” Gourd said with a smug grin, as though he actually contributed to our success. “Our lovely lady can lead us through anything!”

“Take care not to put her on too high of a pedestal,” Luna said. “That road only leads to heartbreak. Now, I believe this meeting has finished its purpose. Shall we begin following our orders?”

“Right, of course,” Twilight said. The shield around them popped and everything went gray.

“Well, it looks like they’re learning,” I said. “Kat was a little pushy that morning, but none of them were too invasive.”

“Which is, of course, one of the takeaways,” Pain said.

“Why are you here?” Taya asked. “Shouldn’t mommy have felt nothing but relief?”

“Not quite,” I said. “I knew Aqua had done things that would have tremendous consequences. Even though I was finally free, I was so scared and depressed that I didn’t know what else to do but fall into bed.” Being cuddled by my newly minted eternafilly certainly didn’t help, either.

“I do remember that you seemed awfully sad,” Taya quietly said.

“Even having Aqua invade you in such a way left a lasting mark,” Fear said. Pain giggled and started toying with one of Fear’s wings. “You will forever live in fear that you’re only seeing an illusion.”

“To be honest, I’m more afraid of what Discord has planned for me than I am of still being under Aqua’s control. Being turned into a royal whore is better than being Discord’s wife. Anyway, it’s not a productive line of thinking, so let’s get back to the takeaways. Is there no Reason this time?”

“Of course there was no reason for what happened to you,” Pain said. “Nothing you can blame it on other than… corruption. That’s why you can’t even truly feel angry at Aqua anymore.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I want to hate her, but now that she’s clear of corruption… Letting her live free is out of the question, but how long would I really want to keep a slave around, anyway? I’m glad we decided to kill her.”

“You need to learn to let the anger and hate flow through you,” Taya said. “Emotions can be an amazing force in magic, when used correctly.”

“I figured magic would require a calm mind,” I said.

“For most unicorns, sure,” Taya said with a shrug. “But when you learn the right casting techniques, emotions become your strength. I usually use the exhilaration I feel from smashing an enemy as fuel for magic, giving me more and more power as the fight goes on. But if I’m ever mad, rage is pretty fun to use as a catalyst.”

“Well, without a soul, it’s pointless for me to try,” I said. “Once I get that, I can start attempting to learn magic. Until then, Athena said I won’t be able to do it. Anyway, the first takeaway is that my followers are finally starting to learn how to serve me. Instead of being too close and personal, they’ve backed off. They finally realize I’d rather them follow orders than waste time trying to pointlessly cheer me.”

“Isn’t that kinda cold, though?” Fear asked. “Don’t you think you should start accepting whatever emotional assistance they can give you instead of trying to keep to yourself forever? They have all kinds of life experiences, so it’s possible they can find some way to cheer your gloomy ass up.”

“That’s... true,” I slowly said. “I really don’t like talking about my problems, but it seems obvious at this point that letting everything fester inside is worse. I might give it a try later on one of them that isn’t Gourd.”

“You could also give it a try with your favorite filly,” Taya sweetly said.

“But burdening my filly with my concerns would make me a failure of a parent,” I said.

“Is that what would make you a failure of a parent?” Pain asked. “I thought it might have been something like calling her a cuddleslut or turning her into a vicious attack filly.”

“Nobody asked you,” Taya said, sticking her tongue out at the Kat lookalike.

“Let’s just say that a lot of things could play a role,” I said. “So, what’s the next takeaway?”

“Your followers distrust the water elementals,” Fear said. “And I don’t think being freed of corruption helped much. For everyone’s peace of mind, you need to find some way to alleviate their fears.”

“Agreed,” I said. “There’s gotta be a way to detect if an elemental is in someone, or prevent them from entering somebody entirely.”

“Not like it’s gonna matter for you, right?” Pain said. “After all, Flo is gonna be with you forever and ever. But for everyone else…”

“I’m sure Flo would volunteer as a test subject,” I said. “It’s not like just detecting her would have any risk. If they can detect water that pure, finding anyone corrupted enough to invade someone should be a snap.”

“So why did you start calling her pure, anyway?” Taya asked.

“Because I knew Aqua was corrupt and saying it annoyed her,” I said. “Flo seemed to enjoy it as well, so I kept doing it. Do you think the elementals are threats, Taya?”

“Honestly, not anymore. I think seeing what Aqua did shocked all of them, even before Jonathan fixed them. I don’t think any of the rest would do something like this.”

“I’m inclined to agree, but Watcher is right,” I said. “We do have reason to distrust them. There is a clear imbalance of power between what the elementals can do to us and what we can do to them. Until that balance can be even marginally improved, things likely won’t get better. Finding a way to detect them inside of a person is the first step.”

“That makes sense, of course,” Taya said. “I don’t think they’ll do anything else, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, right? Let’s plan all the countermeasures we can, and hope that all the planning doesn’t go to waste if our minds ever get subverted.”

“That’s my filly,” I said, scritching one of her ears. She giggled and perked up slightly.

“The last takeaway is fairly simple,” Fear said. “You made Luna’s position very clear to the mare herself, but you haven’t done so to the rest of your household. It would be wise to inform everyone that though Luna wasn’t a vassal you planned for, she’s a vassal you intend to keep.” Hearing Luna’s voice talking about herself like that is still strange, even now.

“That’s an announcement I can make to everyone when I get out,” I said with a nod. “I know Luna was worrying about it, before. I doubt she cares what the others think, but it would be better if they learned to work with her instead of just hoping I’ll get rid of her soon. Dealing with her going forward is certainly going to be an experience.”

“I was against it at first, but she grew on me,” Taya said. “I still don’t really like her, but the attack on the bunker proved how useful she’ll be. And I guess if I can live with Kat, I can live with Luna.”

“Good. With luck, we start dealing with her craziness soon. Then she’ll be a lot more likeable, I’m sure.”

“Another thing to note is that there might be resistance to this,” Fear said. “Celestia didn’t seem to like the idea of Luna staying your vassal.”

“Well, Celestia isn’t the one who got tortured and raped,” I said. “If Luna wants to be kept under my thumb, I’ll keep her there and work her to the bone. In the end, I’ll still be treating her better than Oldlestia ever did. I hope I’m never capable of being that cruel to someone who’s actually loyal to me.”

“What about that time you called Kat crazy in front of everyone and listed off all of her emotional baggage like it was nothing, then casually sent her away on a bullshit annoyance task so she could cry while you didn’t have to watch?” the guide asked.

“...I didn’t send her away to cry, I sent her away to compose herself,” I quietly replied. “And that’s still remarkably better than telling Kat that her life is her fault, especially if I had actually been the one directly or indirectly responsible for all the bad things that happened to her.”

“Wait, what now?” Taya asked.

“I got to see Celestia say that to Luna in one of these visions,” I said. “It was after Luna had confessed everything she did to me and was in prison. Celestia ordered her to escape. Luna tried to resist, but Celestia threatened to murder me if Luna didn’t run. In the end, Celestia told Luna something along the lines of your life is your fault.”

“Well I mean… Wasn’t Luna the one who did all those horrible things to you?” Taya asked.

“That’s certainly true,” I said. “But you’re missing the bigger picture. Luna’s basically the same as Aqua: A victim of a higher power corrupting her. Just as Discord’s crystals warped Aqua’s programming, five thousand years of Celestia’s dark deeds, abuse, and betrayal drove Luna mad. Spending a thousand years on the moon didn’t help. What happened to me probably could have happened to anyone, I just got unlucky enough to be the person she fixated on. So, while I do blame Luna for what she did to me, I ultimately blame Celestia, who made her that way, more. After all, I’m not Luna’s only victim, though I may have had it worse than most others.”

“Wait, she had other boytoys?” Taya asked.

“As far as I know, I’m the only one she’s had since she got back,” I said. “But apparently anyone she had her sights on almost immediately became terrified of her. From what Celestia said in another vision, one of the guys complained so much that the courts invented restraining orders.”

“...Celestia knew all of that and didn’t warn you?” Taya slowly asked.

“There was a period of time in which I honestly thought Celestia was going to kidnap me and give me to Luna,” I said. “It wasn’t until she started learning how valuable I was that she realized giving me to Luna would be a waste. To be honest, if she was prepared to kill me in order to make Luna leave, I’m really surprised she didn’t just kidnap me then and make her take me with her.”

“No, she couldn’t have gotten away with that,” Pain said. “Think about it in terms of the overall situation. One day, Luna confesses in front of a ton of reporters about how she did a lot of bad things to you. The next day, she’s in prison. The day after that, the two of you disappear at the same time. And only the two of you. It’s one thing if the evil rapist princess escapes. It’s another thing if she escapes and kidnaps the national hero who is the target of her perverse desires. Celestia wouldn’t be able to ignore calls for action over that.”

“...Right, I keep forgetting I’m a national hero in Equestria,” I said. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Plus, Cadance would have raised all kinds of hell at that point. In fact, I think Twilight and her friends might have gone up in arms, too. Anyway, we got off subject. I’ll make Luna’s position as a vassal clear to everyone when I get out.”

“You’ll need to practice riding her more,” Fear said. “I’m sure the streets of Canterlot would give you plenty of good places for it. You can’t head to Tartarus without a proper understanding of your battle mount, after all…”

“I’m sure Luna would be delighted,” Taya said. “But uh… You probably shouldn’t do that. Or at least, I think?”

“You think correctly,” I said. “First, that Luna would be delighted. And second, that I definitely shouldn’t do that. Making an ex-princess a vassal is one thing. Riding her in public is another. Hell, riding any pony in public would feel weird.” Although most of them are hard to ride normally, since they’re so short.

“How is riding a pony in public worse than rubbing their belly in public?” Fear asked. “Both are actions that treat them like an animal, are they not?”

“Humans are animals, too,” I said. “And we have all kinds of places that feel good when rubbed. You don’t call it treating them like an animal when you do it, though. Ponies are adorable, fuzzy little critters that happen to look extremely similar to another group of less adorable, fuzzy little critters that I used to take care of. But you know what? The only time I ever rubbed a pony’s belly before I came to Equestria was when I had to brush them. You know why? Because I really didn’t like doing it. Worse, I really didn’t like farm animals in general, horses and cows in particular. And that dislike followed me here. But now that I’m mostly over it, I’ve found that rubbing the bellies of sapient ponies is fun. That doesn’t mean I’d rub a non-sapient pony’s belly, because farm animals are gross.”

“...What did horses and cows ever do to you?” Taya slowly asked.

“When I first got to Equestria, I had all kinds of minor medical problems, all caused by dangerous large farm animals,” I said. “None of them individually were much, but all of them together made my body ache basically no matter what I did, though stretching usually helped. Luna hit me with some super powerful healing spell shortly after I got here that fixed most of it, and that was when I really started warming up to the ponies. Unfortunately, she ruined it by being a psychopath and I started hating everything again. Then a filly happened, followed by a persistent purple menace, followed by a flood of other faces, and now I don’t hate everything anymore. Just, you know, most things. So, if that was the last takeaway, are we done here?”

“Wait, I had one more question,” Taya said. “So if you think it’s fine to rub a pony’s belly in public, what’s wrong with riding them in public? Assuming they consent to it, you’re not treating them like an animal, they’re just helping you get from point A to point B, right? I mean, I still don’t think you should ride an ex-princess around in front of everyone, but I don’t know if anyone else would even care.”

“I don’t care if anyone else would be bothered,” I said. “I would feel awkward, so I’m not going to do it. It feels too… domineering, I guess. I don’t want the ponies to know that I look down on them. I don’t think anyone’s fooled at this point, but I still want to try to hide it.”

“We all know we’re fighting an uphill battle,” Taya said. “It only bothered me at the start. Then I realized you really were superior and that I truly had to work if I wanted to be able to keep up with you. That’s why I devoted myself to being your attack filly! If I know you’ll look down on me no matter what, I at least have to be useful!”

Well, there went what was left of my heart. I guess I deserved to have it shattered into pieces. “...Taya, I don’t look down on my daughters.”

“Yeah, and you didn’t consider me a real daughter for ages, right? You just thought of me as that annoying filly you couldn’t get rid of that forced herself into your life. It wasn’t until I started being useful that you started paying attention, right?”

“That was coincidental!” I said. “I stopped being as shitty when I got Flo in me. That is why I started improving as a parent, not because you started being useful. It just so happened that I got Flo in my head right around when your magic skills were starting to shine, so it may have appeared that way. Taya, if there is anyone in this godforsaken world I’ve been forced into that I could never look down on, it’s you. After all, you were the first person I met aside from my sister who was not only willing to put up with me, but actually seemed to like doing it. My personality has always been… deranged, to say the least. And you know what, Taya? You’re fucked up too, just like me. I certainly can’t and won’t tell you that’s a good thing. But I will tell you that I’m glad that I found you, because I’m one of the few people who’s capable of appreciating your deranged mind.”

“That annoying filly recognized your deranged mind sooner than you recognized hers,” Taya smugly said. “That’s why I got the drop on you, and got Celestia to give you to me. And now my deranged mind is yours forever and ever, mommy!”

My guide finally cleared her throat. “You are, without a doubt, the worst parent ever,” she calmly said.

“Oh yeah?” I scoffed. “At least she’s not teen pregnant. Now let’s keep this gravy train rolling. Come on, chop chop.” Her eyes lit up as they rolled, finally sending us forward to the next scene.

We appeared on top of the round table. Everyone was still there except me and Luna. At the moment, they were all staring where I had been sitting.

Before anyone else could move, Aqua fled the scene. I don’t know if she wanted to avoid everyone seeing her in bimbo mode or if she just wanted to catch up with her owner. If I had to guess, I’d say the former. Brook followed right behind her, presumably to babysit Aqua.

After a moment, Moonbeam sighed and said, “I guess I have no reason to remain after all. Then I have a question before I leave. How can Navarone go from discussing the most amazing plans I’ve ever heard for advancing technology decades, along with plans for rebuilding the world using a brainwashed Celestia, to… throwing a hissy fit and leaving in a huff? Did getting invaded by Aqua truly affect her so much?”

“...Yes,” Twilight quietly said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that bad before.”

“So why is that machine still alive, then?” Fleur asked. “Is it solely because she controls Celestia?”

“I’ve given up even trying to think about why Nav does anything,” Shiny said. “One day she’ll kill someone she should have spared and then the next day she’ll spare someone who probably should have been killed. I really don’t get it.”

“Wait, really?” Gilda said. “Aside from Aqua, when has Nav ever spared anyone? I thought she was essentially merciless.”

“Oh, I’ve had to clean up after her a few times,” Shiny said. “Not only does she spare them, she’ll sometimes even just let them go! I had to track one stallion through three towns when Nav let him go after an attack in Canterlot.”

“And I had to track down a mercenary after Nav spared him and let him leave the scene of a crime,” Blossom said. “Since the dog was smart enough not to try his luck against Nav, he didn’t actually break any laws aside from trespassing, but he still should have been kept for questioning!”

“I believe I keep a few of those Nav has spared as food pets,” Moonie said with a warm smile. “She’s been quite generous with her contributions, though I’m not sure she realizes it herself. She’s sent me pirates who attacked the wrong ship, career criminals who worked in the wrong city and the wrong mine, political prisoners who bought and read the wrong human books, and even a few naga and cat prisoners of war that Celestia rounded up! Nav truly is a saint for sparing all those poor souls, isn’t she?” Everyone seemed disgusted by that. Some of them were better about hiding it than others, but even Cadance’s usual princess-like smile was straining. “It’s a shame I didn’t get to talk more with her. It’s even more of a shame that she left because of the childish outbursts of my rivals. Alas. Now that this meeting is over, I must return to my kingdom. After all, the life of a queen is ever busy. Farewell for now.” She stood, her horn lit up, and the lovely bug queen vanished.

“Pest,” Princess Gilda muttered.

“...Anyway, Nav truly was affected by what Aqua did,” Twilight said. “Even now, I haven’t had a chance to talk to Nav about it. I honestly don’t know what to do. Did you hear about what Aqua did to Taya?”

“Wait, Nav wasn’t the only one affected?” Fleur asked.

“Aqua was inside of Nav for about two weeks,” Blossom said. “A lot can happen in two weeks…”

“One of Taya’s dreams was to be immortal, just like her mother,” Twilight said, looking down. “She found out how, and asked Nav for permission while Aqua was inside of him. Aqua forced Nav to say yes. So… right now, Taya has the same immortality that Nav does.”

“Oh no,” Blossom whispered, her eyes going wide. “Taya… she actually d-did it…”

“She didn’t become a vampony,” Twilight said. “Taya became a tree sister, which is an amalgamation of a tree and an animal. That’s the same kind of existence that Nav is, now. They even used the same type of tree as a base.”

“That’s still bad though, right?” Fleur asked. “Fillies shouldn’t become immortal!”

“Yeah, that’s a terrible thing,” Shiny said. He finally looked over at his wife, who had been silent. She looked… utterly terrified. “...Honey, are you okay?”

“Please tell me it’s reversible,” Cadance whispered.

“Not as far as I know,” Twilight said with a sigh. “The source of her knowledge also didn’t know of a way to revert. Like becoming a vampony, it appears permanent.”

“If you can’t come back from the dead, you can’t come back from being a tree,” Blossom said. “Makes sense, I guess. But still… a filly? What was Aqua thinking?”

“To make Nav look bad?” Fleur asked.

“Bingo,” Twilight said. “Aqua also mentioned that Taya would be a permanent hostage to keep Nav in line forever. Plus, apparently matching their outfits would have been fantastic.”

“I hope Nav will let me borrow Aqua for a few… experiments,” Gilda coldly said.

“Why did it have to be Taya?” Cadance finally wailed, before slamming her head on the table in frustration. Given that the table was made out of solid crystal, it probably hurt like hell.

“...Because that’s Nav’s filly?” Shiny said. “Wait, would you prefer this happen to Eva and the others?!”

“Duh!” Cadance shouted, shooting right back off the table. “Taya’s super powerful, super scary, and keeping her in filly mode forever is just gonna make her worse and worse! Especially when she realizes how awful being a filly forever is and starts getting angry about it! At least Eva is cute because she wants to be, not because it gives her an advantage over others!”

“...Do you really hate Taya that much?” Twilight slowly asked.

“Of course I don’t hate her,” Cadance quickly replied. “But tell me she’s not scary. Tell me she doesn’t creep you out sometimes. Tell me that if you had to pick any filly in the world to never, ever make immortal, Taya wouldn’t be the first one on your list. She needs to grow and mature. This… No wonder Nav is in so much pain right now… This truly is a disaster...” With that, her head slowly sank back down to the table.

“Taya’s behavior certainly is… unique,” Fleur said. “Nav will need our help more than ever going forward.”

“Aqua was also the reason Luna is a vassal, right?” Blossom said. “How did that come about?”

“Aqua already owned Celestia,” Twilight said. “Making Luna into Nav’s vassal gave her the other sister. Once Nav and Celestia were married, Aqua’s power would be cemented.”

“...I honestly thought the trip to the bunker sounded like a waste of time,” Cadance said. “I mean, before Nav, I hadn’t even heard of humans. I figured there was no way any of their relics would remain. But she went and she found the one human relic she needed to save herself, huh? Talk about a true chosen one.”

“She hates it when you call her that,” Twilight said. “You need to invite Nav to a formal party and introduce her as the chosen one, princess of the dragons, and defender of harmony.”

“I thought we were looking for ways to cheer her up, not piss her off,” Shiny said.

“Nav enjoys being angry,” Twilight said. “That’s why she does her best to contain herself. But if we can deliver small doses of rage to her in bite-sized quantities, it just might help cheer her up!”

“That sounds counter-intuitive,” Fleur said. “I think I’d rather search for ways to make her happy, instead.”

“Tch, good luck,” Twilight bitterly replied. “Cadance and I have been searching for years. We don’t have much to show for it. The hardest part will probably be getting Nav to actually agree to do something.”

“No, manipulating her is easy,” Fleur said. “We need to search for ways to make Taya happy, too. As rivals for Nav, she is a common obstacle we must both tackle, one way or another. Perhaps I can teach you how to manipulate Nav in exchange for information on Taya…?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Cadance said. “I spent a while living with her, too, and I’ll be happy to tell you everything I know for free. Despite what I said, I don’t hate or even dislike Taya. But for one, Nav wasn’t a good parent, even by human standards. Two, Taya wasn’t the ideal filly. And three, whatever problems they both have seem to mesh so well that leaving them together forever just seems… like something we should work to avoid. To that end, we need to find things that Taya can enjoy. Once she has hobbies, finding friends will be easier. I’m not sure if that will really be good for an immortal filly, but at least it’ll give her some time away from Nav where she can develop more. Nav stunts that filly just by being around. I think they both realize it, but neither care…”

“Nav definitely notices and she does care,” Twilight said. “She just isn’t sure how to do anything about it, since Taya rarely wants to leave her side. Right now, she’s enrolled at the tower in Canterlot. I think it’ll be a good experience for her.”

“...Is that really going to be a good experience for her?” Cadance asked. “I mean, how many ponies her age can do the kind of magic that she does?”

“Wait, how many ponies can do the kind of magic that she does?” Gilda quickly asked. “I thought the ones around Nav were the exception!”

“That’s an even better point,” Cadance said. “Taya isn’t just powerful for a filly, she’s powerful, period. Is sending someone that powerful at her age to those vipers really wise?”

“Do you know how there’s a ruling council of seven mages that rule the tower?” Fleur asked. Everyone nodded. “Navarone helped reduce that number to four. The mages at that tower aren’t dumb enough to do a thing to her filly. They know her friends are too powerful.”

“Wait, Nav was involved in that?” Blossom asked. “I’m the captain of the guard and I hadn’t even heard that!”

“I happened to be one of the last to see two of those three alive,” Fleur said. “They appeared at Nav’s party before you arrived, only to never be seen again… Everyone at the tower knows where they were going, but only a few know why. And now, everyone knows the last place they were seen was Nav’s house. And then one of the missing three appeared outside of Nav’s house with no ear and a missing horn, then walked all the way across Canterlot to the tower, sobbing the whole way. It didn’t help that she was accompanied by a smiling Kat and an annoyed Taya. Needless to say, nobody at the tower is going to do a thing. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say they’ve been terrified into submission.”

“...Why did Nav murder two of the Seven and de-ear and de-horn a third?” Cadance slowly asked.

“She didn’t,” Twilight groaned. “Athena and Hera did! Do you all know about the pocket dimension that Nav and I found in a book?” Everyone nodded again. “It was originally inhabited by a human mage named Athena. The unicorns at the tower had another pocket dimension book. That book was inhabited by another human mage named Hera, who moved into Athena’s book. Athena seems relatively friendly and hard to rile. Hera seemed extremely friendly… at first. She’s also extremely quick to anger and when she gets mad, she… does terrible things to people. Both of them were beings of legend and myth back in Nav’s time, and the legends that she heard match up, at least somewhat, with how they behave.”

“Terrible as in pranks or terrible as in… murder and dehorning?” her brother quietly asked.

“Murder and dehorning, obviously. They’re both tremendously powerful, so there’s nothing we can do about either. Nav was the one who made the choice to let the Seven use the book. She can be the one who deals with the consequences for being the one who led three of them to their doom. She’s also the one in charge of the book, and I plan for it to stay that way and not go back much anymore…”

“Nav offered to introduce me,” Gilda said. “I’m glad I declined. She didn’t mention the murders or the dehorning…”

“Why would she do that?” Fleur asked. “Part of why I enjoy talking with Navi so much is because it’s just like a puzzle! You have to decipher what she really means based off the limited information she gives you. I bet she mentioned something about how they were hard to get along with, right?”

“She… may have mentioned something like that, I think…”

“See there?” Fleur said. “Catching Nav in a lie is almost impossible because she words things in such a way that she lies without lying, if that makes sense.”

“It makes perfect sense,” Gilda sighed. “Nav’s word games and deflections can go all day. Nailing her down and forcing her to actually discuss some things is nearly impossible, as we all just witnessed.”

“Talking with her certainly keeps you on the tips of your hooves,” Twilight sarcastically said. “She’ll do whatever it takes to throw you off, even if it requires gross information about your family.” Shiny awkwardly cleared his throat and looked away. “Yes, I know all about that.” His face lit up bright red. “Yes, and that too, unfortunately.” Cadance started snickering, so Shiny groaned and teleported away, too.

“Maybe teleporting away is just a guy thing?” Blossom said, tilting her head. “I mean, Nav used to be a guy, right?”

“No, Moonbeam did it, too,” Cadance said. “And while she can be a guy, she wasn’t originally one. She was right, though: Being royalty is busy. I’m going to need to return to my throne soon.”

“Please, don’t let us keep you,” Fleur said, finally standing. Blossom joined her a moment later. “I believe Nav wouldn’t mind if we rode back on the same airship. The journey to Canterlot shouldn’t even take a full day from here, right?”

“That’s right,” Twilight said, also standing. “You’ll need to make a short stop in Gryphus, but it should still only take a few hours to get back to Canterlot.”

Since all the plebeians were on their feet, the two princesses could finally rise. “I didn’t bring much, but I’ll need to pack what little I have,” Gilda said. “I’m not quite sure how to get to the airship from my room, though.”

“I’ll have a servant guide you,” Cadance said. “The inside of this palace is a nightmare if you aren’t used to it.”

“And I need to hurry to make it to the teleport circle,” Twilight said. “I don’t want Nav to get even more annoyed and wipe Celestia without me. Luckily I know where it is, so… Goodbye for now, everyone. I’ll see most of you soon.” Her horn lit up and she vanished. With that, the memory finally went gray.

“...There’s a lot to mull over, there,” I said, finally looking down at my filly. She was staring dead at Cadance with a small, somewhat unnerving smile. “Taya, do you… have anything to say about this one?”

“Why yes, mommy. I have quite a lot to say about it, in fact. I think I might prefer to say some of it to a certain pink alicorn instead, though.” Oh, good, she’s actually calm and wants to talk. “Although I might use my horn midway through to finish the conversation…” This is what I get for making her an attack filly.

“You’re not allowed to attack Cadance,” I said. “I’m also not really sure how to approach a lot of people after this coma. I’ve heard conversations I was never meant to hear. But seeing what someone says at one point in time doesn’t give you the full picture.”

“I don’t need the full picture to know she was being mean!” Taya shouted. “I may be too scary and too powerful, but I have feelings, too! I… I thought Cadance was my friend… I thought she would be h-happy for me…”

Why did you think anyone would be happy for you? “She was acting this way because she’s concerned about you,” I said. Although she might just be concerned about everyone else. “You did a very alarming thing, Taya. It’s natural for people who care about you to be surprised and react strangely. Though yes, she was being a little too harsh. After the mean stuff, she was talking about ways to make you happy, right?”

“Only so I wouldn’t go crazy and hurt anyone!”

“Taya, do you understand why everyone is so concerned about you?” I asked. “Have the risks of what you’ve done sunk in yet?”

“I’m gonna be dealing with the same risks as you, mommy,” Taya said. “The only difference is that I actually chose this fate. I don’t understand why everyone feels worse for me than they do for you!”

“Because you’re younger than I was when I got transformed. Your mind hasn’t had as long to mature. But you’re right, the fact that you chose this fate might be of some comfort. I just have a really bad feeling you’re going to come to regret this decision. Being seen and treated like a filly might be fun now, but I imagine it’ll quickly lose its luster.”

“Besides, I did consider the consequences,” Taya said. “And I knew I’d have you there to help me deal with them, since you’re the best mommy ever!”

“That’s definitely true. And despite what some may say, I’ve definitely matured at least a little since my change. It’s possible you actually will keep growing. I was already as tall as I was gonna get, so all my changes would be internal.”

“If I kept growing, it would be pointless!” Taya replied. “I wanna be your eternafilly, not just your eternadaughter!”

It sounds a whole lot like the risks haven’t sunk in to her yet. “Well, we’ll just have to wait and see. We will talk to Cadance, but you will keep your horn sheathed.”

“I don’t think sheathed is the right word,” Taya said.

“Yeah, but I don’t know what the right word is and you understood what I was getting at, so it’s good enough,” I replied, reaching down to pat her back. “Now then, what kind of takeaways do we have here?” This time, three of the specters appeared before us. Hope was wearing a cute grin, Pride instantly went for a high five that I happily met, and Reason just stood there staring at us.

“The first one was a little hidden in the conversation and you may have missed it,” Reason said. “Moonbeam mentioned that some of the changeling love slaves are prisoners who read the wrong human books.”

“I thought Celestia didn’t let you publish the wrong books,” Taya said. “Or did she change her mind about some after the fact?”

“...I had a secret publisher,” I quietly said. “I went out of my way to find them while wearing my ring and took an effort to never write anything down about them. All of that was an attempt to hide them from Celestia. I guess my efforts were in vain.”

“Say, how many people do you think you’ve ruined?” Pride asked. “Your number’s gotta be getting high enough to be proud of, right? I’m sure most of them probably deserved it.”

“I didn’t force them to buy those books,” I said. “The publishers in question are quite literally rebels against Celestia. The people who get books from them know what happens if they get caught with them.”

“Wait, you were working with rebels?!” Taya shouted. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Because I knew you would get all excited about it and run off to join them or something,” I said. “Besides, they’re really lame. Before I met them, all they did was hold meetings and occasionally prank people in power. Even after I taught them how to run a propaganda network, they never tried taking it any further.”

“Celestia knew about them, obviously,” our guide said. “There’s absolutely nothing better than an inept resistance. Letting you get involved and teaching them a little more only increased their value, since their propaganda was easily traceable. All you did by training them and giving them those secret books was give Celestia an easy source of political prisoners.”

“Well, forgive me for trying to make the world a less dystopian place,” I quietly said. “And is that something you know, or something you assume?”

“It’s knowledge from your elementals,” the guide replied. “Aqua thought you should be reminded that actions have consequences, even actions you thought in your heart were righteous.”

“...Was trying to do something really worse than sitting back and doing nothing?” I asked, looking down. “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but… It’s just a book…”

“You can’t be blamed for what Celestia does,” Hope said. “You may have given them the idea of using love poison, but you explicitly suggested they use violent criminals. You may have been the one that wrote the books, but Celestia is the one who arrested them for reading the books. And Celestia is the one who chose to give them to Moonbeam. Besides, not everybody who read those books was arrested. Fancy Pants and Fleur were just fine.”

“I mean, can’t we just rescue them?” Taya asked. “It probably won’t make up for being turned into pets for so long, but it’s better than living the rest of their life there.”

“That’s already arranged for,” the guide said. “All nonviolent prisoners that had been given to the changelings are being returned to pony prisons. It’ll be difficult for Newlestia to just release them immediately, but she does have plans in motion already. She’s doing more to make the place less dystopian than you ever could.”

“Hey, I’m twenty percent responsible for her,” I said. “That means I get credit for at least a fifth of what she does.”

“...How did you come up with that number?” Taya asked.

“At the round table, five of us voted to brainwash Celestia,” I replied. “I was one of them. That makes me one-fifth responsible.”

“There were a lot more than five people there,” Taya said. “Was the vote really that close?”

“It was,” I said. “Luna, Brook, Fleur, Moonbeam, and I voted to brainwash Celestia. Twilight, Cadance, Captain Blossom, and Princess Gilda voted to kill her. A part of me is still expecting to regret this down the line, but I knew in the short term, keeping her alive would be the best choice. Anyway, the first takeaway is super depressing. But knowing that Celestia is fixing it makes me feel a lot better. So what’s the next?”

“Everyone wants to make the two of you happy, but no one knows how,” Reason said. “Unfortunately, that also includes yourselves. Perhaps spending most of your lives locked away was unwise. Would it have killed you to give more things a try?”

“I gave a bunch of things a try when I was in Ponyville,” I said. “Most of them were ruined by the company I was forced to share. I swear, that place has to be some kind of quarantine zone. The ponies there are just way too much.”

“It is, technically,” our guide said. “Ponyville was one of Celestia’s top secret eugenics projects. That’s why the ponies there are so out of the ordinary. Twilight was sent as both a warden and an inmate.”

“Dammit, so she beat me to eugenics!” I said. “Well, I guess Moonbeam beat us both, huh? I was really hoping I could use that as a megaproject…”

“So what’s eugenics?” Taya asked.

“A theoretical study of how to maximize a race through breeding. You know how originally there were just wolves, then over time they were bred for different purposes until they branched off into dozens of breeds? Imagine doing that with ponies, so you have some that are super strong, some that are great with magic, some that are incredibly intelligent, and stuff like that. There was a lot of talk about trying to do it with humanity, but dictators never lasted long enough to put it in motion. Democratic nations couldn’t get away with it because it usually involved human rights violations. But given a few thousand years, I imagine I could achieve some interesting results with the right volunteers. And after a few hundred years, volunteers won’t be an issue, because we can rework society to the point where it’s considered a duty to spread your genes in an efficient manner.”

“Let me stop you right there,” Hope said. “You can’t really get away from this talk about the takeaway, Navi. You might as well stop running and get it over with. You actually have people you enjoy spending time with now. What’s stopping you from doing it?”

“Well lately, it’s been lack of time,” I said. “And I was kinda stuck on an airship for a while, where my options were limited. I guess I could always just train with more people.”

“Aren’t you also starting a school?” Pride asked. “That’s gonna give you a lot of opportunities to do fun stuff.”

“And you’re going to war soon,” Reason said. “So that’ll be a lot of fun, too.”

“Yeah, my schedule’s kinda full for a while,” I said with a shrug. “Keeping busy is a form of fun, right? Especially if the stuff you’re busying yourself with is cool, like wiping out a group of assassins or dealing with some bounty hunters in China.”

“Besides, isn’t happiness overrated?” Taya asked. “I think I remember you saying that a few times.”

“I might have, but I was just saying that out of desperation,” I said. “I do think we both need some more hobbies, though. Particularly things we can do with other people. I’m just not sure how much time we’ll have to partake in them for a while. I guess that’s something we can think about when we get out.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Taya said. “Now that I have all the time in the world to get better at magic, I might as well slow down my pace a little. Like Cadance said, I’m already so powerful that it’s scary…”

“Plus, there’s going to be less reason for us to fight going forward, hopefully,” I said. “As much as I’m starting to enjoy it, I now have the means to get people to fight for me. Although if we ever need any disposable shock troopers at the front line, you and I would head out in a heartbeat. I’d happily fight to the death to allow others a chance to retreat.”

“...Happily?” Pride asked.

“I’ve always wanted to die anyway,” I said with a shrug. “Might as well go out doing something that looks super cool while also helping a bunch of people. And since I’d come back, it’s technically only death with benefits, not real death. All the soldiers would be super stoked that the great lady of nature herself gave up one of her lives for them, so it would even be a huge reputation boost. It’s an all around win!”

“It won’t make for a good bonding experience, though,” Taya said. “Since, you know, we won’t remember it.”

“I’m pretty sure Flo could store and share the memories we lost, but I might be wrong,” I said. “I mean, she’s fucked around with my memories before. I can’t imagine she wouldn’t have that capability. We could remember all the good parts and junk the rest. Besides, I keep journals for the important bits. Missing a week or two here or there probably won’t kill us.”

“Hah, I get it,” Hope said. “Since you’d only miss a week or two once you’ve been killed, right?”

“Yep. So, what’s the next takeaway?”

“You terrified the tower into submission on accident,” Pride said. “Two of their leaders are now dead and a third is mutilated, all after visiting your house. Then you include all the rumors about you, plus battling the queen of demons in their own front yard. Aside from the leaders who know about you, the rank and file are going to be quite worried.”

“Good,” I said with a smile. “Hopefully it’ll still be that way when I’m ready to collect on their debt.”

“What debt?” Taya asked.

“They told me they’d give me their support for various projects if I brought them the book,” I said. “And I brought them the book. I’d like to get their support for all kinds of fun projects.”

“Anything I can help with?” Taya asked.

“I dunno, maybe? One thing I’m gonna set up is a transportation company that uses teleportation circles. If we ship all of our products instantly, we’d only need local couriers to get things where they need to be. To do that, I’ll need more knowledge of teleportation circles. I’d also like help with my runeworking projects. It’s possible they know some runes that we don’t, somehow. I have a lot of ideas bumping around in my head. I’m sure you’ll be able to help with some of it, at least.”

“Is it really okay to have a large group of people fearing you?” Hope asked.

“Most of my experiences with those tower goons have been negative,” I said. “Plus, they used a comet to destroy a city. I don’t think I mind too much if they’re afraid of me. Especially since it means they’ll be more careful about teaching my filly.”

“Best mommy ever,” Taya smugly said, cuddling up against my side.

“Yeah, I’m the bomb diggity,” I said, patting her head. “If the tower guys are afraid of me, that’s fine. What’s the next one?”

“The last takeaway involves your scarily powerful daughter,” Reason said. “Even alicorn princesses fear her. Let that serve as a warning.”

Hell, even her own mother fears her, if that tells you anything. “Noted,” I said. “If that’s it, I guess we can move on.”

“Wait, are we not gonna discuss that?” Taya asked.

“We already did. You said you were gonna work on being less scary. The only extra addition here is that now we know that even Cadance is afraid of you. All that means is we have a little bit more work to do. But it also means that the reward for making you less scary will be all the greater, since even more people will be surprised.”

“I guess that’s the optimistic way of looking at it, sure,” Pride said. “Fear is hard to cure, though.”

“Assuming we survive Discord, we’ll have all the time in the world,” I said. “Now then, shall we?”

We appeared in Athena’s realm. She and Hera were sitting at a small table. Hera’s chair was sitting on a nice rug, the same one I brought her in exchange for that mare’s life. For once, Hera wasn’t wearing her veil. Her bewitching beauty didn’t seem to have any effect on Taya, thankfully.

“So, we’ll have access to Eris’s brain for quite some time,” Hera said. “Do you think we’ll have time to force her into our service?”

“That would be impossible,” Athena said. “Navarone’s mind is guarded in a way that we can’t breach. The machines she found protect her from mental interference.”

“Ugh, boring! What’s even the point of letting her do it here, then?”

“Her daughter will likely visit often. As will others that you may enjoy petting, like that alicorn who just popped in a few times.”

“You should have let her stay!” Hera said. “She was the perfect height to ride and she looked much hardier than the others! She’d take to being my pet so much better.”

“She happens to be one of Navarone’s vassals, so she’s off limits to keep as a pet. That said, you can play with her while she’s here, along with Nav’s other guests.”

“Ooh, can I play with Eris’s body, too?” Hera sweetly asked. “She’s so… bony. With a few weeks and the right nutrients, I can easily make her healthy again. I might even toss in a few magical beauty touch-ups for free!”

“She has requested to be fed, so making her healthy is acceptable. However, I doubt Nav would appreciate being made beautiful. After all, she was once a man.”

“So what?” Hera asked. “That doesn’t give her any right to look so meh! If she’s forced into that body anyway, she might as well make the best of it. And that would be much easier with a nicer figure, wouldn’t it? Eris is the only human-like creature out there, right? Do you really want to let her run around looking like that? She should represent our species better!”

Athena rolled her eyes. “It’s beginning to sound like nothing I say will stop you.”

“I’m sure Eris will thank me for it once she wakes up! And even if she is upset, what’s she going to do about it? I bet she’ll look really frustrated and cute when she realizes she can’t do anything to me!”

“I can’t believe you chose to specialize in that kind of magic, of all things,” Athena said, shaking her head in disappointment.

“Athena, we’re both trapped in an incredibly boring pocket world,” Hera said with a small smile. “The only difference is that I look young and beautiful at all times while you look like an old boot. How’s the magic that you specialize in working out for you, hm? I would say your information collection was going well, if anything was organized enough for you to actually find it. But without my specialty magic, this entire place was just a dusty old tomb manned by what looked like an ancient evil lich. Now it’s starting to look like a proper library with a beautiful librarian at its heart. With, you know, a withered old mummy that likes wandering around from time to time…”

“To me, appearances stopped mattering after the first ten or so thousand years,” Athena said. “What’s the point in maintaining an image if no one ever gets to see it?”

“Self-satisfaction, obviously,” Hera said. “I know I prefer looking like this. Hmm… You know, I probably could fix your appearance up… It would either take a decade or a few gallons of virgin blood, though…”

“Unnecessary.”

“Eris might not wince as much every time she sees you…”

“...Navarone’s sensibilities are trivial. It doesn’t matter if my appearance is… distasteful.” Despite saying that, she still sounded a little sad. It’s not that I wanted to find her gross, it’s just that she kinda was gross. “Beautify Nav if you must. I am not interested.”

“Suit yourself,” Hera said. “We really should think of ways of getting closer to her, though. If she owns that super powerful princess now, doesn’t that make her powerful in the real world?”

“Indeed. It’s likely she’s in the top ten most powerful people on the planet. Obviously, that means Discord is going to be giddy to turn her quickly. I can tell that the rate at which she’s acquiring new body parts has accelerated.”

“That’s why she wants us to cut them off, right?” Hera asked. “It’ll be fun cutting up something Discord created!”

“And watching her regrow will be good data,” Athena said. “I’ve wanted a tree sister as a specimen for a while. I’m quite interested in some of their advanced abilities, namely seed generation. Unfortunately, Navarone is likely a few years away from that skill, but whenever she obtains it, I have some seeds for her to clone.”

“Hm… Is that the one that lets them change a type of seed from one thing to another?” Hera said. “It’s been ages, but I remember keeping a few as slaves so they could use seeds of grass to create orchards of exotic fruits.”

“That’s the one,” Athena said. “Over the generations, I’ve gathered quite a number of miracle crop seeds. They’re all carefully preserved, but their quantities are limited.”

“Oh ho, that’s quite the bargaining chip,” Hera said with a big grin. “If you dangle that in front of those lesser races, they’ll be sure to start worshipping us!”

“We can’t return to the world any time soon,” Athena said. “The number of worshippers required for us to step foot outside this book is higher than the number of those currently alive. Remember, the worship from fae counts as less than that of humans. The beings that inhabit the world now aren’t even full fae. Even if they did worship us, the boost in power wouldn’t be enough for us. Without more crops to increase their numbers, we’ll be stuck in here forever. But I highly doubt giving them food will be enough to make them worship us. After all, it’s difficult to maintain power over a group you can’t directly touch.”

“So what’s the plan to bring humanity back?” Hera asked.

“Navarone has gone back in time, to when humanity still lived,” Athena said. “She believes it’s possible to create a portal to the past, something that would let her ferry people forward in time.”

“Isn't time travel incredibly forbidden?” Hera asked. “I remember anyone trying to unlock those doors being put to death…”

“Things appear to be different now,” Athena said. “And more to the point, Navarone explained her personal theory, as someone who has actually been to the past. It’s all part of the same time loop. There’s no chance to create an alternate future. If, right now, you went back in time and did something, you could open a book and find your name in history doing that thing at that time. In Navarone’s case, when she went back in time, the video of a military faction subduing and kidnapping what looked like an angel kicked off a huge storm of events that ended up with everything destroyed. The fact that everything got destroyed led to Discord meeting Doctor Anonymous in the bunker. That led to Navarone being created as Eris in a hellish post apocalyptic wasteland ruled with an iron hoof by a princess masquerading as a goddess of the sun. And eventually, that led to Navarone going back in time to try to escape…”

“So… if Eris went back to rescue humans, it just means those humans disappeared back then, only to reappear here in the future!”

“Exactly,” Athena said with a nod. “Obviously time traveling all willy nilly is idiotic. But if you can target a specific point in time with a specific goal like rescuing someone before they would have died, I see no harm.”

“So why not just get Eris to rescue our worshippers?” Hera asked. “I had plenty that were murdered. I think some of my entire cities even got sacked!”

“Targeting those points in time will be difficult. Apparently Navarone left something in the past, so targeting the bunker she went to should be easy. Perhaps after that foray, the mages she employs will be able to use it as a reference point. If so, we can use any history book to pick locations to rescue people. With luck, we can get enough of them to worship us so we can leave.”

“That would be perfect,” Hera said with a nod. Both of them fell silent for around fifteen or so seconds. Finally, Hera cleared her throat and looked away, a small blush coming to her face. “S-so, Athena… H-have you ever… squirted before?”

“Of course. My partners were not so grotesque as that beast who claimed you. Sex is quite the delightful thing. It’s a shame you’ve never been able to enjoy it.”

“Hm… Do you think Eris might be willing to worship a beautiful goddess?” Hera sweetly asked. “I believe I know a goddess or two who kept female worshippers quite close. If it takes a female to please female, like Eris said, it certainly makes sense!”

“I think Nav might be willing to worship your body, though only temporarily,” Athena said. “But I don’t think she’d be willing to worship any god or goddess.”

“Ugh, then what use is she?! Now I’m glad that making her beautiful will annoy her!”

“I’m sure Nav is going to be ever-so-grateful she helped rescue you,” Athena sarcastically said.

“Good!” Hera shouted. “Because I’m a wonderful treasure! Eris should be thankful for the opportunity to meet me! And she should give her filly to me, too…”

“I’ve already told you, no pets allowed,” Athena said. “Especially not someone close to Nav.”

“...Why are you still calling her that, anyway?” Hera asked. “It’s only a matter of time before she loses herself over to Discord, even with our help.”

“Perhaps. But until she does, I intend to keep treating her like a human. After all, despite how she feels about me, she still treats me like one. Besides, why use the name a monster gave her?”

“Because she was created by that monster,” Hera said. “I mean, the thought of her obtaining a soul is a pipe dream, right? Discord would never allow it.”

“That’s not necessarily so,” Athena said. “The legends about Eris state that Discord rarely, if ever, directly intervenes. And even then, it’s only to annoy her, never to stop her. Why bother playing a game you can’t lose, after all? That said, it’s what comes after she gets a soul that concerns me. It seems Discord has been sitting back and watching the world. He might begin to act if his game finally ends.”

“Eris said she was the last, right?” Hera said. “This game has been going on for a while now. I guess it would make sense for Discord to get more active if he gets a wife. Hm, I bet he will be grateful that I made her pretty!”

“Perhaps, if his gratitude is something you desire. Though I believe your standards of beauty and his wildly differ.”

“Oh, you’re right… Ugh, I still remember his first Eris. I guess in that case, the current Eris should be thankful that she gets to experience being pretty before getting turned into an abomination for eternity.”

“I’m sure if you explain it to her properly, she’ll thank you,” Athena said.

“Ooh, do you think she’ll be thankful enough to help me squirt?” Hera asked. Athena answered with a sigh. That finally made everything gray.

“So, what the fuck,” I said. “Taya, did you notice anything weird about my body?”

“The only parts of your body we can see are your head, your wings, and your tail,” she replied. “Everything else has been covered the entire time. Hera told us that it was to help you heal.”

“Did Aqua or Flo notice anything?”

“They’ve been too focused on the coma and healing you to pay attention to anything else,” the guide said. “But this is the last memory you will see, so you will soon discover the changes to your body.”

“...Well, pondering it won’t help. Let’s hear the takeaways, I guess.”

“The first is what you just discussed,” Fear said. “Hera has no problem whatsoever with modifying your body. She apparently chose to do it without permission, without caring what you thought.”

“Which is a bad thing, of course,” Reason added. I looked around and saw that it was just them. “It might be wise to find a way to get rid of Hera.”

“I know. I just don’t know how. I’ll see if I can talk to Athena about it discreetly.”

“Before that, you should take advantage of another takeaway,” Reason said. “Hera said Athena would be fixable with a few gallons of virgin blood. That should be really easy to obtain, now that you own Celestia.”

“That’s true,” I said. “We can crowdsource the blood so no one has to die to provide it. Assuming pony blood works the same as human blood, at least. I’ll ask them about it and see if it would work and if Athena would be interested.”

“It would be nice to be able to talk to her without squirming,” Fear said. “At least you don’t have to worry about her finding out that you find her appearance unsightly, since she already knows. You’re so bad at hiding your feelings, Eris!” Hearing her call me that actually made me flinch. Her giggles at my reaction were eerily sweet.

“...As I said, I’ll discuss that with them. I’m not really sure what restoring Athena would entail, but at least she wouldn’t be all wrinkled up anymore. I imagine moving around would be easier for her, too.”

“Is she really that ugly?” Taya asked. “I honestly can’t tell. I always just figured you were the most beautiful human, so the rest were all ugly by default. Yet Hera seems to think she’s the most beautiful, followed by you, then Athena.”

“That’s the proper order,” I replied with a nod. “Hera’s beauty is otherworldly. It’s obvious she’s a true goddess. I’m pretty at best, mediocre to normal at worst. Athena is hideous. I don’t guess I care too much if Hera makes me prettier, depending on what she does. I don’t need giant tits that destroy my back. But if she just changes my face a little, I don’t guess it’ll cause any harm. It’s still inappropriate to do without asking, though.”

“At least she doesn’t need any virgin blood for you,” Taya said. “That must mean you’re leagues above Athena, right?”

“Oh yeah. I said hideous instead of ugly for a reason. When I first met Athena, it took me a few seconds to realize she was human, or something close to it. My first thought was that she was an undead of some kind. Anyway, talking about it is rude. If we can fix it, great. If not, oh well. What’s the next takeaway?”

“Why did you discuss sex in such detail with Hera?” Fear asked. “It seems she is quite interested in borrowing your services.”

“I did it because I’m a horny idiot,” I said. “And as long as I have a choice in the matter, I’m not having sex with that woman. She scares me way too much for that.”

“Wow, is she really that scary?” Taya asked. “I mean, you’re having sex with Luna and Kat now, right? Even after all they did to scare you?”

“Yes, Hera really is that scary,” I said. “She’s more powerful and psychotic than Luna. I’ve learned my lesson about sticking anything inside of crazies, especially crazies who are insanely powerful. Luna and Kat are vassals, so they couldn’t hurt me without permission. Whereas the only thing stopping Hera from keeping me as her pet chimera is Athena. And if I become a pet to Hera, that means she no longer considers me a human and there’s no telling what kind of fate I might endure. So I’d rather just do the smart thing and find a way to get rid of Hera before she becomes a problem.”

“You’re such a tease,” Fear said. “First you get Hera feeling hot and heavy and now you’re refusing to take responsibility? My oh my, she’ll be quite displeased…”

“Hopefully I can survive that,” I said. “And if not, that’s why I have backups. The point remains, as long as I’m given the choice, I’m not lewding Hera.”

“And if she threatens you with force?” Reason asked.

“I’ll do whatever she wants without question,” I immediately replied. “Assuming Athena does nothing to help me, obviously.”

“Wait, that doesn’t make sense,” Taya said. “You’re willing to spend a backup on her if she gets displeased because you say no, but if she just threatens you, you’ll give in?”

“If I say no and she immediately lashes out, there’s nothing I can do about that,” I said. “It meant it made her angry enough that she became completely unreasonable. With luck, that means whatever she does will be either minor or instantly lethal. However, if she’s calm enough to actually threaten me, that means she’ll be more careful. I don’t want to do anything with her, but it’s better than being tortured. Athena said Hera doesn’t specialize in combat magic, but I’m extremely confident that either of them could tear me apart with ease. Enough experiences have made me pragmatic about the whole affair.”

“...That’s really sad,” Taya quietly said. “You… wouldn’t even try to defend yourself?”

“Not against someone I obviously can’t win against, unless I think they’re just going to torture me anyway. But Hera doesn’t seem the type to enjoy needless violence, so she wouldn’t do anything as long as I obeyed.”

“Didn’t she skin someone for calling her a monster?” Reason asked.

“That obviously wasn’t needless, at least to Hera,” I said. “After all, he insulted a goddess. That means he had to pay, right? But if I’m paying my proper respects to a beautiful goddess by making her feel something she’s never felt before, I don’t think she’ll need violence. I just really hope it doesn’t come to that. Now, what’s the next takeaway?”

“The last takeaway involves the people you want to save,” Fear asked. “Are you really, really sure you want to bring humans forward in time? There will be no undoing it.”

“Yes, I do want to bring them forward in time. And, judging off Athena’s explanation for time travel, it’s probable that I do end up bringing them forward in time.”

“...What makes you say that?” Taya asked.

“Well, think about it,” I said. “Jonathan, the AI we found at the bunker, said he was there to help me build a future place for humanity. He obviously wouldn’t be there to help me if I never went back in time again to actually help save people. Otherwise, he would have been there to attack me. But until Discord is dealt with, I don’t think we can bring humanity back. More of us might make him too powerful. I’d also like to start with humans other than those at the bunker, but as they explained, that might not be possible.”

“It might be better this way, to be honest,” Reason said. “The bunker has several skilled specialists who can make rebuilding a technological society much easier. Their expertise will assist in preparing places for others you save.”

“All of that is unnecessary,” I said. “I can prepare places for them. But I guess it will make people feel better to be involved in their new homes. I’m incredibly worried about the humans trying to take over everything, but if I rule over them all to the point where I’m as bad as Celestia, what would even be the point in saving them?”

“I think the short-lived humans would be in for a very rude awakening should they try targeting some races,” Fear said. “I’m sure a sniper round could take down an unwary unicorn, but now that you’ve seen more of what magic can really do, are you as confident that human weapons trump magic?”

“Yes. However, I also recognize that it would take the humans decades to get to the point where they’d be comfortable trying to actually start something. And by that point, I think they’d understand that trying wouldn’t be wise. Especially since, at that point, I’ll have Tartarus conquered and a huge chunk of the world basically under my control. That’ll also include a revitalized military and police force. I’m not allowing any more crime syndicates in my countries. With luck, all of that will mean the humans will come to the future and live mostly in peace.”

“And if they ever do start something, we curbstomp them,” Taya said with a grin.

“Correct,” I replied, patting her head. “If they want to stand a chance against what I’m going to build, they’ll need to start learning about magic from day one. So, was that really the last takeaway?”

“It surely was,” the guide said. “The last takeaway of the last memory. All that’s left is the relatively short finale, unless there’s anything else you’d like to discuss about this memory.”

“Not in particular,” I said with a shrug. “Taya?”

“I kinda liked Hera’s belly rubs before, but then she called you a monster. I don’t think I’ll let her pet me anymore.”

“Be careful,” I said. “I told her that she wouldn’t want you as a pet because your personality wouldn’t take to it well. She said that breaking you would be the best part.”

Taya actually shivered. “She really is scary!”

“Right? Don’t go in there without me from now on.”

“Got it. Though I don’t know if I want to go back at all…”

“That might be better. Anyway, I guess we can move on to the short finale.”

“As you desire,” our guide said. She slid on over and hugged us both.

We appeared back in Flo’s glade. A few seconds later, the guide released us and slid back. We were joined by all eight of the representations.

Luna, who had become my Fear, stared at me blankly. Blaze, who for some reason embodied my Rage, was glaring at me. Kat, the one who caused me so much Pain, was wearing her normal crazy smile. Moonbeam, who beat the odds to become Love, looked down at me with a surprisingly mother-like gaze. Taya, the filly who forced herself into my world and became my Hope, was bouncing in place for some reason. Spike, the friend who had come to most embody Pride, was smiling at me in joy. Twilight, the mare who obviously had to be Reason, looked disappointingly bored. Cadance, who will probably be furious when she finds out she got Passion instead of Love, was quietly giggling about something only she knew.

“Well, the gang’s all here,” I said. “I’d like to start by saying thanks for showing me all of this. I’m not sure if you guys consider this work or anything, but it was a really cool and useful experience.”

“That almost makes up for how little we got out of it,” the guide said. “Most people don’t thank us when we’re done mucking about in their mind.”

“This is the second or third time I’ve gotten the feeling that I didn’t quite know what I signed up for,” I said. “Are you guys actually a part of me, or did the spell Twilight cast invite some kind of spirit inside of me?”

“The latter,” the guide said. “They’re not allowed to break character, even now, but I can get away with it. We’re spirits who enjoy tinkering about with memories and emotions. The spell is a form of contract that allows us access to your memories. We can’t do anything to alter them, but we can peruse them at will and use what you’d call spooky voodoo bullshit to invade certain parts of the memories of those close to you. We’re equal parts depressed and overjoyed to work with you.”

“So I guess this is basically entertainment for you guys, while it acts as therapy for us,” I said. “Makes sense. So why the two polar opposites?”

“We’re depressed because so many of your memories are horrible. We’re also upset that you’re only technically seven or eight years old. Even your filly would have had more memories! Next time, you should bring us Luna. That mare obviously has some things to work out and we’d have a field day in there! And we’re overjoyed because human memories are so tasty, even when they’re provided by a soulless abomination! We’re kinda like changelings in that we feed on emotions, but we don’t actually require them to survive. We just require them to feel anything ourselves. That’s why we all pick roles as we play through. As we go through your memories and interact with you, we get more and more emotions to work with.”

“Makes sense, I guess. I don’t imagine too many people see through the act, though.”

“Not too many people even bother coming,” the guide said with a sigh. “You happened to get lucky for a variety of reasons, but most people who come here aren’t as well trained or as mentally fit. They get bogged down in their memories and are too broken by the things that happened behind their backs. You’ve already been stabbed in the back so many times that, while some of what you saw was certainly shocking, nothing here ever stood a chance of breaking you.”

“At least there’s that. Anyway, this probably isn’t part of the finale. Shall I let you get back into character?”

“Of course, though my part is mostly done. For now, I’ll let them talk.”

“As I’m sure you’ve seen by now, I am your strongest ally,” Reason said. “As a human, there is nothing wrong with that. However, you rely on me way too much, to the point where you’re beginning to lose yourself.”

“You have much you can rely on instead,” Passion said. “Things you thought forgotten. Things you thought lost. Things that have been hidden and quiet for so long that they may feel unfamiliar. But it’s the time for new beginnings. You can’t let reason continue to be your sole ally. You’ve been struggling to avoid changing the world for so long, and doing so has driven you into depression. Now that you’ve finally decided to change things, your passions can begin flaring!”

“And some things that have been hidden can be expressed,” Rage coldly said. “You are correct when you say that hurting others is wrong, but there are ways to express anger aside from yelling or hurting. The fact that you can’t consider any alternatives is only a sign that you have hidden things inside for too long. You can be angry and productive instead of angry and destructive. It just takes channeling your anger instead of allowing it to blow.”

“And some things that you express too openly might be better kept to certain avenues,” Pain said. “Telling everyone in a random conversation how much agony you’re in doesn’t help anyone, you or them. However, when your friends are there and trying to help you, opening up to them would be wise. Hiding me inside all the time just lets me have you alllll to myself! I think we both know how much fun that is!” She certainly sounded overjoyed, that’s for sure.

“Even if the pain begins to wear you down, remember the things you’ve accomplished,” Pride said. “All of the pain you’ve been through has meant something. You’ve done amazing things and built an incredible place for everyone around you. All of those close to you are loyal to the bone. That’s something you can always find solace in, no matter how far down your spirits may tumble.”

“And some things that have been holding you back should do so no longer,” Fear said. “How many times have you stopped yourself from doing something that might make the world better out of fear of what might happen? You’ve seen now the consequences for both helping and doing nothing. They are equal, either way. To that end, do not fear the consequences of doing your best. If people will be hurt regardless of your choices, it is better that you at least help those you can help.”

“It’s time to stop being a depressing whiny crybaby,” Hope sweetly said. “You have so much to look forward to, fake mommy! Assuming you survive what Discord has in mind, your future is obviously gonna be amazing! Stop looking back and obsessing on your pain and start looking forward with hope for the future! You didn’t want to be created by Discord and thrust into this fate, but nobody asks to be born. It’s time for you to accept your lot in life, accept that you have a cursed existence, and start trying to get beyond that. You’ll never be happy if you can’t.”

“And finally, it’s time to open your heart,” Love said. “At this point, you seem to have come to the conclusion that love is a choice. That means something is preventing you from making the choice to fall in love. I could start listing out reasons left and right and being in this coma has shown us all quite a few, but before you can find someone to marry, you need to figure out how to truly open your heart. Otherwise, the marriage will just be a hollow shell. Love may be a choice, but that doesn’t mean it lacks requirements. Keep that in mind as you consider your options and always remember that compromise is everything.”

With that, the spirits fell silent. “So, how do you feel?” Taya asked.

“To be honest, not all that different from when I started,” I said. “A part of me was expecting the coma to actually rewrite me as a person. Instead, it was a super intense hypnotherapy session starring a bunch of pseudo-changelings. To be honest, I definitely needed it. Seeing what everyone’s been up to behind my back has been valuable beyond all measure. And being given all these perspectives is even better. So I guess I do feel good. I’m glad I decided to do this. I feel like I need a weeklong nap, though.

“You’ve already been asleep for three weeks!” Taya said.

“Only my body. My mind has been going through all kinds of weird bullshit. This coma has been enlightening, but exhausting.”

“Are you ready to go back, then?” Taya asked.

“Eh, not really…” I said. “I don’t wanna go do things and deal with people!” Hope loudly ahemmed at me. “But I know I gotta. After all, I am a lady. I can’t just abandon my household. We both have responsibilities now, Taya.”

“Oh wow, you actually sounded like an adult!” Taya said. “Way to go, mommy!”

“Don’t bully your mother,” I said. “Now then, was that the closing message?”

“This is your last chance to kill any of them,” the guide said. “It won’t actually affect the spirits, but it will allow us to permanently change how you perceive the world, to the point where it would remove the corresponding feeling.”

“No, I’m good,” I said. “I considered killing Fear and Pain, but I’m guessing Flo had a reason to say it was a bad idea.”

“Then this is farewell for now,” the guide said, turning pink and bowing. “I do hope you’ll have another huge mental crisis that will allow us to visit again in another few hundred years. You’ll have so many more fun memories by then!” With that relatively ominous message, everything started slowly fading until everything was completely black.

Chapter Two Hundred — The Awakening

Chapter Two Hundred — The Awakening

When my eyes opened, the first thing I beheld was Twilight’s nose as it pressed against my own. Since it was in perfect range, I pulled back just a little to lick it. Twilight squealed and jumped away, rubbing at her nose in shock.

“‘Sup, Twiggles?” I said as I sat up. My body had been completely wrapped in a very fine cloth, covering everything under my neck. I could still move, but I really didn’t want to imagine what that cloth was for.

Twilight recovered quickly, at least. “Nav? You’re… awake?” she slowly asked.

“I really, really hope so,” I said. “If this is the coma just fucking with me, I’m gonna be super pissed.”

“No, you’re definitely awake,” Twilight said.

“That’s exactly what one of those spirits would say!” Taya shouted, hopping out of the bed. “Maybe we are still in there!”

“Was it really that bad?” Twilight asked. “And what do you mean, spirits?”

“Turns out the coma spell is actually a contract,” I said. “It invites spirits into the mind of the one it’s cast on. These spirits are able to use magic to connect to the host’s memories, along with memories related to that person from others close to them. It allows the host to experience those memories, along with a bunch of other interesting things.”

“I got to see the first bunker mommy went to,” Taya said. “It would have been really scary alone, but we beat it no problem together!”

“It’s a really intense hypnotherapy session, essentially,” I said. “We got to see all kinds of things we weren’t supposed to, like everyone’s slow realization that maybe I don’t actually like parties. Or the fact that Luna’s first meeting with me was planned by Celestia to get more information so they could decide whether or not they wanted to use me as a weapon. Or the fact that Reginald suspected Discord created me the instant he saw me. All kinds of things, really.”

“Oh.”

“And that Cadance thinks I’m scary,” Taya said, hanging her head. “And so does everyone else… I found out what the number one rule on the ship is…”

“...Oh.”

“I’m gonna have a lot to talk about with a lot of people,” I said. “Including everyone at once, for a big and important announcement.”

“That sounds pretty serious,” Twilight said, her ears twitching. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me first, in case it’s something you might regret? I mean, you did just wake up. And you did just say a bunch of other crazy stuff…”

“Sure, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “You, as a unicorn, are what Athena refers to as half-fae, half-animal. One of the quirks of fae is that they’re attracted to humans, to the point where they usually want to spend as much time as possible around them. Fae also behave very possessively toward humans, to the point where many humans were captured or enslaved back before Discord finished eradicating magic from the world. The fae part of every species on the planet makes them want to spend time around humans. The animal part comes in with the addition of hormones and breeding cycles. I finally found the answer to why I’ve been raped so many times.”

“That’s completely and utterly horrifying, if true,” Twilight said. “But you can’t just announce something like that to everyone without at least some kind of proof.”

“I have several years worth of evidence as proof,” I said. “Along with testimony from Athena. She told me the day I entered the coma and I didn’t finish processing it until the coma actually showed the effect in action. Princess Celestia suspected something was going on and Princess Newlestia confirmed it when she visited me in the coma. I don’t really know what you’d accept as evidence for something like this, but as far as I’m concerned, the effect is real and finding out how to counter it is going to become a top priority.”

“...That is a lot to process,” Twilight slowly said. “But it does answer one question I’ve had for the longest time, something that’s been kinda bugging me. The spell used to summon you was supposed to bring forth one of the most dangerous beings in the world. Despite your knowledge and your skills in combat, I never really considered you more dangerous than, say, a well-trained combat unicorn. But if what you just said is true… your very existence could cause our society to crumble!”

“Twilight… it did cause your society to crumble,” I said. “When I got here, Equestria had three princesses and a prince who ruled over everything as gods. They’re now down to a single princess, who is exclusively under my control. Gryphus was an absolute monarchy and now it’s a parliamentary democracy with a monarch that’s being phased out. Chrysalis was widely considered public enemy number one and the changelings were hostile to everyone. Now my Moonie is super cuddly and the changelings are opening whorehouses under the table to harvest lust. My very presence destroyed Celestia’s theocratic hold on this planet. And everything I just saw in the coma made me decide that what I’ve accomplished was only the beginning. I’m going to continue destroying it all to replace it with something better, and you are going to help me.”

“I’d say the coma worked,” Twilight said with a faint smile. “You actually look… determined!”

“I saw a bunch of things that really pissed me off,” I said. “And I determined that it’s time to start acting instead of just reacting. If I don’t want to be controlled, I have to control.”

“Uh… Control what, exactly?” Twilight slowly asked. “That one sounded a little ominous.”

“I just meant in general,” I said. “I saw several conversations between Luna and Celestia about how to make me obey. And I’ve heard several people laugh about how easy I am to manipulate. To be honest, a good chunk of what I heard didn’t make me happy. When I first got here, I was afraid of living up to your spell’s expectations, Twilight. I was afraid to change society too much. But seeing it all laid bare before me all at once showed me that it’s already far too late for that. So now, I’m going to begin accruing power. The process has already begun, but I think I’ll be taking a more active role. It’s time to start magiteching the fuck out of Equestria. How are Jak’s runes going?”

“Last I heard from Jak, he was about halfway to Equestria on the dreadnought,” Twilight said. “It’s unsurprisingly slow, which happens to be perfect for resource gathering. His crafters have been producing metal, stone, and paper golems of various shapes and sizes. They’ve also been experimenting with other things, but you’d need to ask Jak or Char for more information.”

“Excellent. Did we decide to name it Dreadnought?”

“No, Celestia insisted the honor was yours, since you insisted that it fly your flags. That’s just what the crew have taken to calling it. Apparently there was a push to name it after you, but Celestia shut that down quickly. The ship still hasn’t been officially announced, but you’ll have to come up with a name soon.”

“That’s low on my list of priorities,” I said. “Step one is getting this cloth off me and finding out what’s been done to my body.”

“Right, let me unwrap you,” Twilight said. Her horn lit up and the cloth around me started unraveling. I held my arms up to make it easier and finally stood when she was down to my legs. “Uh… Huh. I figured not eating for three weeks would have had… the opposite effect.”

“Isn’t it great?” Hera suddenly asked, appearing inches in front of me. “You’re finally awake, Navi!” Her arms wrapped around me and she gently pressed her forehead against mine so she could whisper, “Did you sleep well?”

“Decently so, yes,” I replied, doing my best to ignore how soft she felt against my body. “Did you happen to modify my clothes to fit my new body, too?”

“I most certainly did!” Hera sweetly said. “But wouldn’t you like a mirror to see your new beautiful self? Your wings are so cute! And you actually have a figure now, even if it’ll never approach mine.”

“No, looks aren’t that important in a world where I’m the only human,” I said. “Everyone just assumes I’m beautiful. To that end, I’ve honestly stopped caring. Thanks for fixing my clothes, though.”

“Ugh, you’re as bad as Athena!” Hera said, pushing me back in disgust. “Maybe I should have just left you ugly!”

“Wait, what did you do to Nav’s body?” Twilight asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hera asked. “Just look at it!” I was upgraded from a small b cup to a comfortable c and I was no longer so skinny you could see all my bones. It also looked like I now had at least a decent booty. “Before, she looked so gross! All bony and malnourished. I barely even had to use beautification magic to get her to this stage! Most of it was just putting meat on her bones. Luckily, we had plenty of it lying around from that unicorn I skinned.”

“Wait, you fed me unicorn meat?” I asked.

“What? No, why would I waste time feeding you? I just used magic to infuse you with its energy and nutrients directly. The cloth was around you to make sure the energy couldn’t leak out and to help shape you into a better form. The longer you stayed in the coma, the sexier you would have been! Another week or two would have made a world of difference. Are you sure you aren’t still a little sleepy?”

“If you want to prettify anyone, why not Athena?” I asked.

“She said no. Besides, it would take ages. Either that or a whole bunch of blood, more than that unicorn had in him.”

“Blood is easy to come by,” I said. “How much do you need?”

“Well, it has to be virgin blood, for starters,” Hera said. “But if you really can get me some… Five humans worth should do it. It would normally be two and a half, but since we’re working with half-fae, we have to double it.”

“Where are you going to get that much virgin blood, Nav?” Twilight asked.

“Celestia, duh,” I said. “I can ask her to hold a few blood rallies at schools. The students will be interviewed beforehand with the truth spell. One of the questions will be if they’re a virgin or not. All the virgin blood can go to Hera. All the nonvirgin blood can be put to use in hospitals or by Blossom.”

“Oh, Blossom also prefers virgin blood,” Twilight said. “But that’s only a preference. And is it really okay to use foal’s blood like that?”

“There is no price too great to pay for beauty!” Hera said. “Especially when it comes to someone who needs it so dearly. Have some pity on me! I’m the one who has to look at Athena every day!”

That actually does kinda make me feel sorry for her… “It shouldn’t be hard to come up with it,” I said. “I’ll see what we can do. Now then…” I turned my head and spread my new wings. They were a translucent pale green and uncomfortably thin. I slowly flapped them a few times and the veins in the wings slowly lit up with magical light. That probably meant I could fly even if they were weak, at least. With my wings in check, I tried lifting my tail. It responded and my new whip-vine came into view. Something in it felt weird, so I narrowed my eyes and concentrated. With that, a long spike slipped out of the end of the vine. “That looks super deadly,” I said with a grin.

“That isn’t something you should be saying with a smile!” Twilight immediately replied.

“Would you rather I be afraid of my new body?” I asked. “Because I’d rather be smiling about what it can do instead of fearing what Discord plans for it. I will reject any of his so-called gifts by way of the knife and find some way to make use of whatever grows back. And super deadly beats super wimpy any day. Hera, would you point me to my clothes?”

“Do you really need them?” Hera asked. “It’s only us girls here! If you’d like, I could get rid of mine to make you feel more comfortable…” Her hands started reaching to the straps of her dress, but I quickly shook my head.

“I’m fine. I’d feel more comfortable in clothes than with everyone naked. Especially since I’m in a hurry to see some people.”

“But you’re not in a hurry to spend some time with the beautiful goddess who spent ages taking care of you?” Hera asked, thankfully sounding teasing instead of petulant. “If you aren’t careful, you might make me jealous!”

“I certainly wouldn’t want that,” I said, booping her on the nose. She didn’t seem to expect anyone to touch her and was too shocked to actually reply. “But despite how well you took care of me, three weeks out of the sun isn’t good for my tree sister body. My hair is actually wilting instead of just grey and lifeless.” To be honest, I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but it sounded like something a tree sister would say.

Thankfully, Athena showed up next to Hera with a pure white dress in her hands. “Here you are, Nav,” she said. A moment later, the dress appeared on my body. It was perfectly fitted for it, unsurprisingly. I don’t think that’s what I came in with, but I honestly didn’t care. “How was your nap?”

“Enlightening. There’s a book I’d like to borrow, if you wouldn’t mind. The Legend of Eris, Most Cursed of All.”

“Here you are,” Athena said, holding up her hand again. This time, a book materialized on it.

“Thanks,” I said, taking it. “And thanks for taking care of my body. We’ll be getting out of your way for now. I’ll visit again soon.”

“There is a reason I did not tell you about that book,” Athena said. “But now that you have been told, there’s no reason to hide it.”

“I’m not looking forward to reading it, but it’s better than not reading it. Taya, are you ready to head back?”

“Yep! I bet they’ll all be surprised that I’m back so soon!”

“I certainly was,” Twilight said. “Taya just went to sleep! Were you really that close to being done?”

“No, that’s not it,” I said. “Turns out the reason another person can save the one in the coma is because time freezes around them. After Taya joined me, we had all the time we needed to get through things.”

“I advise giving your body another week or two to heal before attempting anything strenuous,” Athena said. “Despite appearances, you just went through a major surgery. You’ll need to get used to the new changes, along with making sure there is no remaining damage.”

“I intend to be careful. Now that I have access to Celestia’s manpower, I can make other people do strenuous things for me.” No one else wanted to take the first step, so I finally started walking toward the stairs leading to the book out. Taya followed right alongside me and Twilight hurried to join us a moment later. “I’ll see the two of you later. Thanks for the hospitality. I’ll be sure to bring some gifts next time I come.”

“Farewell for now, Navi!” Hera sweetly said. “Do come back soon!” I honestly didn’t want to, but I knew I’d have questions for Athena after reading the book she just gave me. With an elemental’s help, reading it would be easy, but actually processing the information inside was probably going to be unpleasant. Coming up with all the blood Hera needed to prettify Athena would take a little while anyway, so I’d have time.

When we got to the book on the pedestal upstairs, I stared at it for a few seconds before sighing. “It feels like I’ve been gone for ages. Certainly longer than three weeks.”

“It feels like that for me, too,” Twilight said. “If what you said about half-fae is true, I understand why. A part of me wonders if we can get addicted to whatever it is that makes us desire you…”

“A part of me wonders how inhuman I’ll have to become for it to stop working,” I said. “At this point, I honestly don’t think I qualify anymore. I’m probably more fae than human, so the problem might resolve itself, at least for me.”

“...I know you were worried about becoming inhuman for a while,” Twilight quietly said. “Is that still something that concerns you?”

“It’s not,” I said. “I was technically never human to begin with, after all. I just thought I was. So, when I open this book, where will we end up?”

“At the fort at the bunker,” Twilight said. “Due to various circumstances, Luna decided it would be better to stay in a room there instead of at your house in Canterlot. At the moment, she has taken charge of the book, since she’s your most powerful vassal. Flo requested it, to keep visitors to a minimum. Apparently all the warm wishes from your loving friends and family were annoying you, so we had to stop.”

“Kat spent thirty minutes just repeating the phrase ‘I love you’ over and over,” I said. “It was unsettling.”

“...I could see why that might make you want fewer visitors,” Twilight said. “I assumed she would have tried to hide it more after you made her cry for being insane.”

“So you heard about that, huh? Well, turns out she decided to use it as an excuse to stop hiding the crazy, instead. I’m going to be asking Cascade to increase their counseling sessions. I’m just about finished dealing with insane people with lethal skills. By chance, do you know if Luna has picked an elemental yet?”

“She chose Blaze,” Twilight said. “As the most experienced in war among your vassals, she decided it would be wise to link up with a communication source that can transmit orders across entire armies instantly. Especially since that communication source is also good at war. I thought she might be better with a soothing water elemental, but apparently she disagrees.”

“As long as there’s someone inside of her telling her not to do stupid things, I’m happy,” I said. “She was about an hour away from building herself an actual dog collar to wear to prove her loyalty to me, Twilight. She was talking about making a leash and a control crystal and everything. Bitch is crazy and I don’t wanna deal with that, but she’s too dangerous to cut loose. If Blaze is fine with babysitting her, that’s good enough for now.”

“...I certainly don’t envy your situation, but it seems like you’re starting to see some kind of light,” Twilight said.

“Hopefully. Now, it’s time to snap back to reality.” I opened the book and the tentacles grabbed us. Oh, there goes gravity… We got sucked right through and thrown back into the real world. Oddly enough, I appeared right in Luna’s chest. Her wings instantly surrounded me and her head pressed over my shoulder.

“My lady has finally returned!” Luna shouted as she snuggled me. “I knew when your filly joined, it wouldn’t be much longer!”

“I’m fairly confident this isn’t the correct way to greet your liege lady,” I said. Even if it is unbelievably soft and comfy…

“You are far from just my liege lady,” Luna said, though she finally backed away. Her grin gave me the feeling she wanted to hug me for longer, though. Probably forever, if I had to guess. “Are your legs moving properly after that long rest? Or do you think you might need a mount to get around?”

“My own legs will do the trick,” I replied. I finally took a look around the room. The small room was as spartan as I’d expect from Luna. There was only a bed and a writing desk. The light was coming from glowing lines on the ceiling. As I watched, their shapes slowly shifted. “So, I know we’re at the fort. Was there a place with personal rooms like this?”

“There wasn’t, but one was made,” Luna said. “This entire fort is modular, running off ancient human technology.”

“What time is it?” I asked. She didn’t even have a clock in there.

“It’s right around four,” Twilight said.

“Good, that gives me time to talk with some people before making the announcement. Luna, what’s the status of exploring the bunker?”

“We found a sealed vault that Flo said was storing items of cultural value. They have been transported to a warehouse in Equestria, awaiting your perusal. Celestia would like you to pick through them and see if there’s anything you want. The rest will go to a museum, where they’ll be displayed as artifacts of an ancient race.”

“Cool. Any ghosts of note?”

“We have run into things that Zecora was not able to handle alone, yes,” Luna said with a nod. “She has been keeping a record of what she discovers. All the dead have stories, or so she says. Apparently learning how to unravel their stories makes dispelling them easier. At the moment, the largest holdup is her. All the deeper portions are blocked off by dangerous spirits. Each can take her days to dispel, even with my assistance in keeping the ghosts back. If you allow me control, we can clear this place by the month’s end.”

“I’m not consigning any sapient souls to oblivion,” I said. “Not if I can help it. I don’t mind killing. But on the off chance there’s something beyond, I’m not okay with desecrating souls.”

“They would make a very good power source for a war on Tartarus,” Luna said with a sweet smile. “Powerful spirits like these don’t come around every day, my lady! Why can’t we just—”

“In other lives, these were my comrades,” I said. “Jonathan said he met many versions of me, each incarnated by Discord, each diving into the ruins to uncover the mysteries of their past, each losing friends along the way. And the original bunker itself was ruled by one Doctor Anonymous, the person I am, the person whose soul was taken from him to be put to use by Discord. I’m not forsaking these comrades of old, Luna. If they can find peace from the fate Discord inflicted on them, they’re going to find it.”

“It sounds like that coma did its job,” Twilight said.

“And with luck, more practice in freeing souls will help Zecora learn more about how to give them,” I said. “Alternately, doing Death’s job for him might get his attention so we can ask him about it instead.”

“...Are you using Zecora as bait?” Twilight asked. “Maybe the coma didn’t do anything!”

“Don’t think of it as using her like bait,” I said. “Think of it like this… If you have a monopoly on a market for a thousand years, when you suddenly get some competition, you’d want to check in on their operation, right? Death’s senses are probably supernatural. If he can tell that a large pocket of malignant undead energy is gone, he’s gonna start wondering how and why. I’m not using her as bait, I’m just aware that acting openly with unique skills is a good way of attracting the attention of unique individuals. I doubt he’d have any hostile intentions.”

“His name is Death!” Twilight said. “How innocent could his intentions be? Didn’t you say the human personification of death was the grim reaper who killed people?!”

“Zecora and I have already met him,” I said. “He seemed alright, although dosing us with that bullshit was a dick move.”

“Oh yeah, Zecora said she found more of those mushrooms, if you wanna try it again,” Taya said. “She seemed to think you might be interested.”

“Hell no, that shit was mad spooksville. I’m not about to mess with stuff that sees through time. Now then. Luna, your punishment for cowardice will be therapy sessions.”

“C-cowardice?” Luna said, flinching back. “My lady, when have I ever betrayed your expectations?!”

“You waited until I was in a coma to tell me your original plans for me,” I replied, crossing my arms. “And said upfront that it was because you were too afraid to tell me when I could actually talk back. Plus, I got to see a whole lot of other stuff that deserves punishment, so you’re lucky this is what I’m choosing to base it on.” Her ears shot down, as expected. “Yeah, I’m not too happy about a good chunk of what I saw. You’re going to be my vassal for quite a while, Luna. We have much to work on.”

“...I look forward to it, my lady,” she cautiously replied.

“Good. Who all is here at the bunker?”

“In terms of vassals, just Watcher and I,” Luna said. “Zecora, Princess Gilda, and Spider are also somewhere about.”

“Spider but not Kat?” I said. “What’s he doing here?”

“Helping navigate and safeguard the tunnels below,” Luna said. “He’s ideal for scuttling about underground, and his web can act as hoofholds in slick hallways or when climbing is required. Due to all the combat inside this bunker, there’s more damage than the one you went to.”

“After learning more of the history of the other bunker from Ava, it’s hard to believe this place could have seen more fighting than the Russian one,” I said.

“This fighting was all after the fact,” Luna replied. “From your so-called companions of old that now haunt the halls. Whenever Jonathan was pushed back that far, he used his pawns as sacrifices to instigate the spirits into attacking the intruders. Since most don’t know how to properly exorcise the dead, all attacking them did was cause damage to the surroundings and temporarily run the spirit out of energy.”

“Makes sense, I guess. Well, as long as Spider’s being careful. I don’t want to expose someone that young to spirits. He doesn’t need to be any more traumatized.”

“We have taken care to ensure he only goes in areas that have been cleared, and only with battle unicorn escorts,” Luna said. “His skills are more adept than a professional pony scout’s. It’s quite impressive. And there are more of these on the southern continent?”

“That place is absolutely off limits until we come up with a mitigation plan for Arachne,” I said. “That woman is bad news, for real.”

“Celestia said something similar,” Luna said. “Was she truly so powerful?”

“Yes, without a doubt,” Twilight said. “Going to meet with her was a huge mistake. I’ve never felt any magic power that strong before. I still can’t believe she released us. Even Celestia was terrified.”

“Luna, we will make more time to talk later,” I said. “You have answers to give me. Answers about things like this wish-granting Genie.”

Her ears twitched again and she hung her head. “Of course, my lady,” she whispered.

“Come back to the house tonight for dinner,” I said. “We’re going to be having a group chat afterwards. I have some announcements to make that everyone needs to hear.”

“Of course, my lady,” she said. “But if you’d prefer, I can join you now!”

“You presumably have duties,” I said. “And you need to spread the word to Zecora and Watcher, who will also need to be present.”

“Where are you going next?” Luna asked.

“For now, back to my house in Canterlot. I have several more people to talk to and quite a lot that needs to get done. It’s time I finally get moving again.”

“Understood,” Luna said. “I will join you again around the time dinner is served. It will be good to share a meal with you again, my lady!”

“It’s certainly good to be back,” I replied. “I’ll see you soon, Luna.” She bowed and remained in place while the three of us left. I made sure to grab Athena’s book before leaving. “I don’t actually know where we are, so one of you lead the way.”

“Do you want to see anything else while we’re here?” Twilight asked. “If not, I can just teleport us to the circle leading to your house.”

“That works,” I said. Her horn lit up and we appeared in front of a door. She opened it and led the way into a small room with a teleportation circle drawn on the bottom.

“Are you ready?” she asked when all three of us were in.

“Yep, let’s do it,” I said. Twilight’s horn lit up again and I finally went home.

Of course, before I even had a chance to look around, there was suddenly a cat latched onto me. “NAVI!” Kat shrieked as she held her entire body against mine. I’m surprised I managed to stay on my feet.

“Well, I’m sure the whole house knows you’re back now,” Twilight said. “I guess I should have expected this kind of welcome…”

“I’m home, Kat,” I said, finally hugging her back.

“Your body feels so much softer now,” Kat sighed, adjusting herself slightly. “And your wings are so pretty!”

“Yep, I look like a real fairy now. I’m sure my father would literally murder me if he could.” I let Kat go, but her arms didn’t move. After a few seconds of silence, I tried prying her off, to no avail. “It’s gonna be hard to say hello to everyone else if you’re latched onto me.”

“I’m sure my lady can do anything!” Kat sweetly replied, not even making an effort to move.

“I’m flattered by your confidence in me, but I’d rather do things that are easy than those that are hard. So if you could let me go now, I won’t have to rephrase it as an order.”

“A-after so l-long, you don’t w-wanna be close to me?” Kat simpered, pulling back just enough that I could see her teary eyes.

“I’m tired of being manipulated, Kat. I’m tired of being used, I’m tired of bullshit, and I’m tired of people who are supposed to be loyal to me ignoring what I need in favor of what they want. I got to see a lot of things in that coma. Things like the memories of my followers, along with their thoughts and feelings at the time.”

Kat very quickly released me and backed two steps away so she could gracefully curtsy. “...My lady.”

“As I’m sure you can guess, a lot of those memories and thoughts were about how easy I am to manipulate. It usually included laughter and people sharing methods. Kat, from now on, there is only one path forward. And that is my path forward. All others will be rejected and burned. Is that understood?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not enslaving your children and giving them to me and Taya,” I said. “I don’t mind if you have children, but if they want to serve me, that will be their choice. I will not allow that decision to be forced on them.”

Before I could continue Kat’s disciplinary hearing, I was piledrived by my next hugger, Doppel. “My lady!”

“I’m home, Doppel,” I said, hugging her back. “And I got your message. It was well-received.”

“I’m grateful to hear you say that,” she replied. With that, she fluttered her wings and fell back to the floor so she could also curtsy. “It’s wonderful to see you again.”

“It’s good to be surrounded by friends once more,” I replied. “Have there been any problems with the house? Or worse, the spirits inhabiting it?”

“There haven’t been problems with the spirits, but there have been developments. Zecora and some of the guards have worked together to dispel some of the weaker spirits. I’ve been helping with the spirit of the maid. And there have been no problems with the house, though you have had many visitors and even more letters.”

“As expected. I believe you said you had two more maid candidates?”

“I did,” she replied. “A pair of sisters. One is a cook and groundskeeper. The other is a maid. Both have experience working in noble houses. Their personalities seem harmonious and they weren’t too afraid of Spider or the naga.”

“What made them pick Nav as their new lady?” Twilight asked.

“They’re interested in the great hero,” Doppel said. “And they’re aware that none of us have experience with real noble houses, so they’ve offered their expertise to the rest of us, to help us all get this house in shape.”

“I’m not really sure that’s necessary, but it’s probably for the best,” I said. “I’d like to meet them, but I doubt I’ll have any issue with them. I’m not sure what my schedule is going to look like in the coming days, but I’m assuming it’ll be super busy.”

“You do have a pageant coming up,” Doppel said, looking me up and down. “And… did you somehow get more beautiful?”

“I don’t know if you’re joking or not, but the answer is actually yes. Hera did something to my body without asking. I haven’t gotten to look at a full mirror yet, but I was upgraded from a six out of ten to around an eight, it looks like. Add in the cute fairy wings and in the spring, my flowery hair, and I’ll probably be at least a nine when I doll myself up right. The only things stopping me from being a ten are my face and my ugly green vine-like tail.”

“And… how does that make you feel, exactly?” Doppel slowly asked.

“I’m super pissed that Hera did it without asking. But in regards to the actual modification itself, I honestly don’t care. It’s not like anything’s left of who I was, anyway. And I know more of it is going to be gone, soon. I guess being attractive is marginally better than the alternative, but when I’m the only one around who can even tell, it’s pointless.”

“That’s obviously not the case,” Kat said. “Doppel could tell. That’s why she asked about it.”

“Oh, I just realized because she looks more like the porn stars on her laptop now,” Doppel said. “Nav’s right, being extra attractive means little when those around you can’t see it. I learned that lesson the hard way in Ponyville, since Nav wouldn’t let me change shapes to seduce the ponies. It means you’ll have to have all your clothes redone again, too.”

“Which means another visit to Rarity, who is aware I have a pageant coming up in a week,” I said. “Super. Who else is in the house at the moment?”

“Flo, Sentinel’s guard squad, Spike, Gilda, the naga, Aurora, and us,” Doppel replied. “Gourd and Silver Quill have been working with Shining Armor to get needed supplies to the Crystal Empire faster than a local noble merchant in order to undercut his profits and weaken his power, so both airships are currently away. Silver herself is at the changeling mine near Ponyville with another guard squad. She’s housed in the nearby hive as she calculates your income from the mine. She also redirected the flow of most of the gems from Rarity to a jeweler, since Rarity was selling most of them and depositing the bulk of the income into your account anyway. Apparently Silver is also helping calculate the costs of the new university being built, even though we’re building it for free. Watcher, Zecora, Luna, Spider, and the rest of the guards are at the bunker. I think Jak is on the big airship on the way back.”

“Of the people currently here, I only need to discuss some memories with Spike, Kat, and Taya.”

“Memories?” Doppel asked, tilting her head.

“Not me?” Twilight asked.

“The coma showed me memories and thoughts of those close to me,” I said. “Some of what I saw was heartwarming. Most of it wasn’t. All in all, I have things to discuss with a few people. And I did see a lot of memories about you, Twilight, but most of it was about what I was expecting. I can honestly say that I was rarely surprised by anything that you or Doppel did or said, so I don’t think I need to discuss anything with either of you. Aside from saying thanks to Doppel, since she’s the real deal.”

“Of course I am, my lady,” my slutty bug smugly replied. “So now that you’re finally back, would you like a bath? Or dinner? Or maybe… me?”

“I definitely want a bath,” I said. “I’m sure I was kept clean with some kind of magic, but I still feel like I’ve been in bed for three weeks. I’m going to want dinner at some point, but I’ll have some announcements to make afterwards, so I’d like more people to be back first. If some aren’t available, that’s fine. The rest can come later, after I’ve had time to settle down.”

“If you have no other orders, I’ll go draw your bath at once,” Doppel said.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” I replied. She curtsied again and left, quietly giggling to herself.

“So she’s the real deal, but I’m not?!” Twilight demanded.

“You spent five or six years trying to make me go to parties before finally realizing I hated them, and then you were talking about how to get me to avoid ditching them anyway. You also told Celestia all kinds of things that I didn’t want her knowing, like how I knew she was just turning me into a knight so she could use me. I got punished for saying things like that, especially since it was literally true. Although the one thing that saved me from being immediately enslaved by the princesses was the fact that you refused to believe anything I said about human technology or population levels, so at least there’s that. I’m sure Doppel has her flaws, but the coma didn’t show me any of them. After all, you have been much more impactful in my life than she has.”

“...If you have complaints about some of the things I did, why didn’t you want to talk about them?” Twilight asked.

“Because I wasn’t surprised by them. I knew exactly why you were doing the things you were doing and I can’t be angry at you for doing them. I decided there was nothing about the memories I saw we particularly needed to discuss. But if you want me to say something, I’ll say thank you for allowing me to open your eyes to what Celestia was. While watching the memory snippets, I could clearly see how you grew and changed. Even if I didn’t know you were the element of magic or whatever, I’d still say that you’ve become someone harmonious, someone who at the very least wants to represent the ideals of Equestria.”

“Well, I guess that’s good enough,” she replied with a small blush and a faint smile. “Would you like some company in your bath, Navi? I would love to see how your wings work!”

“I can also be of assistance!” Kat said, jumping forward. Her tail was writhing.

“I believe the bath is large enough for two attendants,” I said. “But for the moment, I would just like to bathe.”

“Don’t worry, I’m excellent at multitasking,” Twilight said.

“I’m sure. For now, I’m going to go find Spike. What I have to say to him won’t take long and it would be nice to say hi before jumping in the bath for a while.”

“They’re practicing out in the back,” Kat said. “It was my turn to stare forlornly at the teleportation circle while waiting for you, so I didn’t join them.”

“Of course, because that duty definitely couldn’t be shirked,” Taya replied, nodding. “I made sure to take my turns, too.”

“It’s good to know you’re both diligent in your duties,” I said. “I’m heading out back.”

“Would you like to test your new wings?” Kat asked.

“No, not at the moment,” I said. “Technically speaking, I did just have major surgery three weeks ago. I’m going to give my body another week or two before trying anything too taxing, though I might try flying a little later.”

“Understandable,” Kat said. “I got a new bath bomb set for your return. I’ll go get it and help Doppel!” She quickly left, probably hoping I would forget the need to talk to her.

“So… what exactly did Kat do?” Twilight asked.

“A whole bunch of really creepy things,” I said. “And I’d like to leave it at that. The remainder of my talk with her will be private. I’m gonna go bother Spike for a moment.”

“I’ll head back downstairs when the bath is ready,” Twilight said. Her horn lit up and she vanished.

“And I’ll follow right behind you!” Taya happily said, pressing herself up against my leg. “So where do you think Aqua is?”

“Probably bimbo-moding around Canterlot, if I had to guess,” I said. “I think I told her to do that during the coma. I’ll call her back tonight if she doesn’t return on her own.” I finally walked to the door leading to the back stairwell and let myself out. Taya followed and closed the door behind us, then cleared the stairs of snow as we walked down. Spike, Ames, and Gilda were all practice-fighting near the edge of the cliff, so they didn’t see us until we were actually close.

When Spike saw me, he froze. That led to getting smacked in the face with a giant hunk of wood. “You let yourself get distracted!” the naga shouted. “What even got your… Oh ho, the human returns!” He finally looked our way and beheld us as we walked over.

“Serves you right,” Gilda said. “That’s what you get for ogling a lady!”

“Well, I was gonna ask someone to pinch me to see if I was dreaming,” Spike groaned. “But I guess that works, too… Is that really you, Nav?”

“It sure is,” I said. “Taya, heal him. That looks painful.” Her horn lit up and waves of healing flew out, making the small flow of blood coming from Spike’s snout stop.

“Yep, that’s you,” he said, standing back up. “How was your coma? Do you feel alright?”

“It was enlightening and yes. I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes. Is now a good time? It’s nothing urgent.”

“Of course now is fine! But I’d prefer a lot more than a few minutes!”

“I know, and I wish I had it to give. But I feel super gross, so Doppel is drawing me a bath at the moment. After that, there’s a whole host of things that need to get done. But after seeing what I saw in the coma, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

“What about the rest of us?” Gilda asked.

“Taya can keep you company until he gets back,” I said. My filly’s giggle sounded quite sweet to me, but both of them seemed to blanch. “Come along, Spike.”

He obediently followed me. There was no reason to go all the way inside, so I just started walking to the rainbow fountain. “So what exactly did you see in the coma?” he asked. “Was it something fantastical, or more mundane?”

“I was shown the memories of those close to me, along with some of their thoughts and feelings at the time,” I said. “After seeing the memories, I was allowed to speak with representations of my inner emotions, who took the place of people close to me. For example, you ended up as the personification of Pride while Taya became Hope.”

“So… you saw some of my memories?”

“Yes, but only memories that pertained to me.” We got to the fountain, so I turned to face him. I almost started to sit, but remembered the snow and decided against it. “So, what I have to say probably isn’t what you’re expecting. But I’m sorry, Spike. I should have stepped up to help you sooner. I should have been a better role model for you. I should have started teaching you as soon as I realized there was a problem. And I should have helped us both escape so much sooner. I can’t say that I let you down, but I know I didn’t do as much as I should have, as soon as I should have. And for that, I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” he immediately said. And since it was apparently the cool thing to do, he followed it up with a hug. “Someone doing anything for me is better than all those who just watched,” he whispered into my hair. “And I never once thought you weren’t doing enough, or that you should have done more. I was always just grateful that you took any time to help me at all.”

“Also, we almost definitely aren’t having sex again.”

“I kinda figured,” he said. “I knew it was just what you needed at the time, which is why I was happy to comply. And I know there may be a time later when it’s the same, and I’ll be happy to comply then, too. Until that day, I’ll make do. Did the coma make you feel better about hugs?”

“I like hugs, Spike.” I felt his body stiffen in surprise. “I don’t like having agency taken from me. So if you pick me up without permission, expect that pain is likely to follow. But hugs that I can escape from are acceptable in moderation.”

“Hearing that alone made three weeks away from you worth it,” he said before finally releasing me. “Welcome back, Nav. You want to break your new body in while we’re all out here?”

“Not yet. I want to verify my new body parts are fully grown before exercising too heavily. Also, Hera messed with my body, so I’m going to need to modify my armor again.”

“Jak and Sunshine Smiles aren’t here, either,” Spike said. “I’m not sure if anyone told you yet, but the big ship we captured is flying back to Canterlot now.”

“I heard. I didn’t realize Smiles was on it, but I’m not surprised. Luna was supposed to make me a new set of armor anyway. I doubt I’ll need to fight any time soon, so I can give my new body time to settle.”

“Aren’t we going to Tartarus soon?” Spike asked. “And don’t we have to take down an assassin group?”

“Spike, I have both a Celestia and a Luna in my pocket now. Why would I ever have to fight my own battles? It’ll only be if I want to. And since I’ve decided to stop holding back, I’m going to be supercharging the fuck out of the Equestrian military. To that end, there probably won’t be a need for me to fight for much longer.”

“But that’s so boring! Didn’t you just unlock some kind of super cool clone ability? What’s the point if you don’t get to use it every now and then?”

“The point is having a backup option. What, are you saying you want me to go out and die?” Luckily for Spike, he was saved by an unusually loud squawking noise. We looked over and saw Taya and Gilda playing together, having a good time.

“...Should we go save Gilda?” Spike asked.

“I’m sure she doesn’t mind working on her flexibility. I think Gilda has a few more centimeters before things start snapping.”

“I’m gonna go save her!” He ran off to pry the magic away from Gilda’s wings and legs. That just gave my filly another dolly to play with, of course. Since they all seemed to be having a good time, I decided to go check on my bath. Heading up the outside stairs would be hard with all the snow on the upper levels, so I went in through the back door.

“Welcome back, my lady,” Sentinel said, hopping up to bow. She was the only person in the sun room at the moment. One guard was probably watching the door, so the other was presumably wandering around somewhere. “Did you have a nice coma?”

“Yeah, it was pretty neat. I got to see all kinds of interesting things. Most of them were memories about things that pissed me off, though, like how Celestia blatantly bragged that it was her right to make use of me after hitting me with a massive lust spell when she was in heat or about how the only reason I touched Princess Gilda is because Aqua made me. It was a hell of a ride, I tell you.”

“I was kinda wondering about the griffin princess. I knew you were dumb about some of your conquests, but playing with her while her guards were just a few doors down on a rickety wooden airship was something else entirely. And… I’m sorry for what Celestia did to you. That sounds awful.”

“I’m going to be having some announcements after dinner that I’d like as many people to hear as possible. It’s nothing too terribly urgent, so you can be filled in later if necessary.”

“I’ll be there, of course,” she said. “I assume you came back from the bunker. Did you let Watcher and Luna know?”

“I told Luna to spread the word. I know what’s going on at the bunker is important, but I felt a need to return home as soon as I woke up. I’ll get status updates on all of our projects tonight.”

“We’ve been compiling documentation to make it easier to catch up on,” Sentinel said. “Though I think Silver has most of it, and she’s currently away somewhere near Ponyville.”

“She can catch me up on the particulars later. Just a general overview will be enough for tonight.” Twilight joined us via teleportation before I could make up an excuse to leave. “Way to make an entrance, Twilight.”

“There are just so many stairs here,” she said. “I don’t wanna have to walk all the way down just to turn around and walk all the way back up!”

“It’ll make relaxing in the bath that much more worth it,” I said. “Now, I’m gonna go cleanse my flesh prison. Keep on keepin’ on, Sentinel.”

“I’ll… try, I think?” She didn’t seem to know what that meant. Twilight didn’t give her time to ponder it and teleported us back to my room.

“Flesh prison?” Twilight said.

“I guess that’s not really accurate, since I don’t actually have a soul,” I said. “But for you, it would be. Technically speaking, you’re just a soul trapped in a body, right? That means you’re surrounded by a fleshy prison.”

“It’s not trapped if it’s supposed to be there! Saying that is like assuming death is the natural order!”

“I’ve killed enough people to realize we all have our end some day, Twiggles,” I said. “Death is gonna be the great equalizer. Now, let’s go.” I slid out of my dress as I walked to the bathroom. I wasn’t given underwear, so that was all I needed to do. Twilight was quietly muttering and I was dutifully ignoring it.

Kat and Doppel were waiting on us, as expected. The bath was full of bright pink bubbles, presumably from Kat’s bath bomb. “Would you like any drinks, my lady?” Doppel asked.

“Sure,” I said. “I’m not sure how I was kept hydrated, but it probably wasn’t natural. Getting some fluids in me is probably wise. Just a few minutes outside did wonders for my energy levels.”

“I’ll bring up some juice for you,” Doppel said with another small curtsy. Her wings fluttered and she buzzed off. Since the way was clear, I finally walked over to the bath. Kat stepped to my side and held out a gloved paw. After a second of thought, I realized she was trying to help me get in. I didn’t need the help, but I allowed her to assist anyway. The bubbles yielded to me, then surrounded me up to my neck when I sat.

Once I was in the water, Kat and Twilight joined me. We immediately lost Twilight in the bubbles and she had to use magic to save herself. “Was all this really necessary?” she asked as she did her best to snort the bubbles out of her nose.

“It was critical, yes,” Kat said. “I wanted only the best for my lady!”

“I’m not particularly partial to bubbles,” I said. “Even if they do smell really nice, kinda like cherries.”

“It’s also supposed to be amazing for skin,” Kat said. “It’s supposed to make you positively shine!”

“You better mean that figuratively. If it literally makes me shine, I’m going to be upset.”

“I don’t think there are bath bombs that can make you literally shine,” Kat said, waving a paw. “Now let’s get you clean, my lady. I’ve been waiting for this for three weeks!” Her paws pulled one of my arms out of the bubbles, where we could all clearly see that it was quite literally shining. “...Um.”

“This wasn’t an enchanted bath bomb, was it?” Twilight asked. “Because there actually are bath bombs that do things like that.”

“Yep, I shoulda just stayed in the coma,” I sighed, before letting myself sink into the bubbles. Flo, where are you hiding? I thought they said you were here.

“I’m hiding in the bath, of course,” Flo replied. I suddenly felt the water pressure around me grow tighter. “I am patient. We have all the time in the world to talk at night, in your dreams. With Aqua dead, I will once more have your mind all to myself!”

I wanted to continue sulking underwater for a few minutes, but Kat pulled me out for some reason. “M-my lady, please forgive me! I had n-no idea!”

“Twilight, are these things advertised as enchanted?” I asked.

“No clue,” she replied with a shrug. “I know they exist and I’ve heard some of the effects, but I’ve never looked into getting any. I imagine anything enchanted would have to list the effects, though.”

“Then that leaves two options. Either Kat did know or she gave her lady something that she didn’t bother reading the effects of.” Kat quietly whimpered.

“That… does sound kinda accurate, yeah,” Twilight said.

“I’ve forgiven a lot, Kat. Do you think my kindness is boundless?”

“...I will do better, my lady. May I begin cleaning you?”

“Go for it.” I didn’t really need or want attendants to help clean me, but company was nice after being trapped in my own head for ages.

As it turns out, my new wings did feel good while being rubbed. It wasn’t as good as the original pegasus wings were, but the new magical veins were very sensitive to something Twilight did with her horn.

Unfortunately, when I got out, my entire body was lit up. Kat dug up the packaging, where we learned that it made skin shine. To the ponies and cats who were covered in fur, that wasn’t too big of an issue. For a hairless ape, it was kind of a big deal.

“So what am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“Obviously you leave them a glowing review,” Twilight smugly said.

“So you’re saying I should have Taya burn down their store,” I said. “Good idea, I’ll make sure I tell everyone I got it from you. So, how about an alternate solution that involves fixing my skin?”

“Put on clothes and makeup?” Doppel asked.

“I could turn you into a pony until it wears off,” Twilight said.

“There’s really no magic to fix this?” I asked.

“There probably is, but beauty magic isn’t my field. If you want, we could pay Hera another visit.”

“I’d literally rather die than ask that woman for help. I’m terrified by what she might demand in repayment. Flo, what about you? You got some technobabble solution for us?”

“Of course,” she replied, finally joining us in person. “It’s less of a magical enchantment and really more of an alchemical mixture. One moment.” She slid forward and hugged me for a moment before completely engulfing me. When she finally pulled back, my body was no longer shiny. “I separated the mixture from your skin.”

“And so magic once again loses in the face of human technology,” I smugly said.

“It sounds a lot like I need to prove a point,” Twilight said. “Should I use magic to remind you of a few things, Navi?”

“My body is a result of magic, not human tech,” I said. “So beating me down would just prove that magic beats magic. Now, my only choice of clothing can’t possibly be that one dress. I’m sure I have something I can still fit into. I don’t care how slutty it looks, as long as it covers enough of me.”

“I’m sure I can find some pasties,” Doppel said.

“Enough of me being at least forty percent of my body, including the parts that are used for fun. I’m definitely not just putting stickers on my nipples. I have no plans to go out until I get more things fixed, but I want to at least move around the house.”

“Well, a robe would always work,” Kat said.

“If you bring me something that’s pink and fluffy, we’re gonna have problems,” I said.

“...What about black and fluffy?” Doppel quietly asked.

“That’s fine,” I replied. Kat sighed in relief and rushed to fetch a robe. I noticed her frantically hiding the fluffy pink one further in the wardrobe before pulling out the black and dark green one. “So when did I get fluffy robes?”

“This black robe is from Chrysalis,” Doppel said. “I think the pink one came from Fleur. You would have had a few closets full, but we made everyone stop since we knew your body would be different when you woke up. None of us were expecting how different, though…”

“Who was making all those clothes?” I asked. “And… why?”

“All of your paramours, plus Rarity, Celestia, and Cadance,” Kat said. “They were trying to deliver outfits they wanted to see you in while you were sleeping and couldn’t tell them no. Well, some of them were also trying to bring you clothes for the upcoming pageant. Rarity has given me several outfits.”

“I only brought you a few bits of racy lingerie,” Twilight said. “...You know, something we could both appreciate.”

“Well, I’m sure they’ll look even sexier on me now.” But for the moment, Doppel was wrapping a warm and comfy robe around me.

“W-what?!” Doppel shouted, springing away from me.

I spun around to see what was wrong and almost immediately realized it myself. “Whoa!” I shouted, turning my head to look at my wings. They actually phased through the clothes, so we didn’t even have to fit them through the holes! And the tail… “Well, can’t win ‘em all.” It was poking out from under the robe.

“I know I touched those wings earlier,” Twilight said. “They’re definitely solid. So… how does this work?”

“We can try to figure it out later,” I said. “For now, I’m going to enjoy a convenience that was long ago stolen from me.” I walked over to the desk and opened the gene-locked chest stored under it. From it, I pulled out one of the cherry blossom seeds and a small piece of tape. Once the sweet seed was safely tucked away deep inside me, I closed the chest and stood back up. The dayglass was still sitting there, so I flipped it over. “Flo, does Celestia know I’m back yet?”

“She doesn’t. Would you like me to inform her?”

“If you’d be so kind. Of the group of people offering to clothe me, she’s the closest one who can get it done the fastest. I need to talk to her about some other stuff, too. Once I can actually go outside, I’ll arrange a meeting with—”

Before I could finish, Celestia teleported just inches away from me. The sudden change in air pressure started to throw me back, but she compensated by grabbing me with magic and pulling me in with her wings so she could hug me. “Welcome back, Navi!” she sweetly sang. “Oooh, you’re almost as fluffy as I am!”

“Don’t you have princess-like things to be doing?” Kat asked for me. I wanted to, but I was being smothered by Celestia’s freaky hair.

“Luna and I need to compare notes,” Celestia said. “I’m aware of it, but she isn’t. I want to see if she noticed it as much as I did. Since it’s not hitting me hard right now and you just got out of the bath, I think it might be pheromone based, but I’ll need more sample data. We’ll have to get you nice and sweaty later, Navi. And then I’ll need to get very close…”

“That sounds a lot like an excuse,” Twilight said. “I doubt it would be something as simple as pheromones.”

“Oh, so you actually did choose to tell the others,” Celestia said, finally releasing me from her hellish yet angelic grasp. “I assumed the coma would make you change your mind.”

“Tell the others… what?” Kat slowly asked.

“That’s part of the announcement I’m going to make tonight,” I said. “Essentially, my very existence as a human acts as a drug to all the species on this planet, making them addicted and forcing them to want me. It seems to affect people more based on proximity, but my very presence has destabilized this world. And it’s going to continue doing so until we figure out how to stop it, assuming I continue remaining human enough for it to matter.”

“...What do you mean, drug?” Kat asked, her head tilting slightly. Her eyes seemed very devoid of life, all of a sudden.

“There is something about humans that attracts us,” Celestia said. “The old me suspected it. I broached those suspicions with Nav and had them confirmed, though she apparently just learned herself.”

“Athena told me the very day I went into the coma, just a few hours before,” I said. “I realized how true it was while I was in there.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Celestia said. “I’m sure you got a whole lot of memories of Luna and I talking about you, right? We were incredibly possessive.”

“You weren’t the only ones,” I said. “I think the only thing that stopped Moonbeam from claiming me is that she knew from the start I was created by Discord and formed a secret deal with him while she was a prisoner in Canterlot.”

That stunned everyone into silence for a few seconds. Thankfully, Kat even lost the crazy look in her eyes. As expected, Celestia recovered first. “You say she made a deal with Discord, yet you still call her Moonbeam?”

“The deal was made in the panic and chaos of defeat. I later watched her rescind it. You and I are going to sit her down and make her explain exactly what happened. Then we will decide if she is Moonbeam or if she is Chrysalis. But until then, the last I saw is her casting Chrysalis aside.”

“She’s pure fae, Nav,” Celestia said. “And you’ve helped supercharge her. I alone am not strong enough to deter her anymore.”

“Then we’ll invite Luna as well. We can have Shiny and Twilight on standby in another room.”

“Wait, I want to be there, too!” Twilight said. “If she betrayed us, I have a right to know why!”

“She doesn’t like you,” I said. “Celestia was her student, Luna was the last foal she delivered, and I’m too sexy to stay mad at. She can talk to all of us with few to no reservations. We’ll fill you in on the important parts later.”

“You’re not just tl;dring me!” Twilight shouted. “You’re gonna spill everything!”

“We’ll see,” I said, reaching over to tousle her mane. I changed my mind before my hand got there and chose to scritch her ear instead. “So, Celestia, I need some clothes changed to fit me. Hera did things to my body and now it’s sexier.”

Her horn lit up and my robe flew open. “Oh, indeed!” she said, looking me up and down. “You look much squishier now! So this is what humans find sexy?” Her magic gently lifted one of my breasts, testing its weight. “Why did Hera do this?”

“Because she’s crazy.” I pulled my robe closed and actually tied it properly this time. “Don’t you have princess-like things to do?”

“Flo and I learned a neat new trick,” Celestia said. “And we borrowed a drone from Moonie to make it work. Whenever I’m giving open audiences, she can disguise a drone as me, transmit the appeals directly to my mind, and deliver my reply from the disguised drone.”

“That’s just delegation with extra steps!” I said. “Stop being half-assed and make a proper bureaucracy already!”

“We did that once,” Celestia said. “We became a super efficient empire that ended up caring little to nothing about the value of its citizens. After Luna departed, I decided to rule as the eternal loving princess, which meant I had to show off my loving side. Part of that was being available to all of my citizens.”

“And then you end up wasting your time to tell a farmer to get rid of fire ants with a water hose while your kingdom stagnates around you,” I replied. “I know you can come up with a better way of doing this, some kind of check system to make sure nothing so unimportant gets to you. You’re the princess of a good chunk of the planet. Your time is more valuable than that.”

“You think I should tell my citizens that the value of my time is more than that of theirs?” Celestia asked.

“What citizen of Equestria doesn’t automatically know that by default?” I asked. “Even Kat, who isn’t from Equestria, asked if you should be doing your job right now. That’s because it’s important, time-consuming, and you’re the only one who can do it. But if you’re just gonna shirk by hiding behind a masked microphone, you might as well stop pretending you’re doing it for the people. At this point, you’re just blatantly manipulating and lying to them.”

“Just as brutal as I remember,” Celestia whispered with a shudder and what she thought was a concealed smile. “Was the coma worth it, Nav?”

“Yes. There’s only one thing I want to say to you, and it’s more like a message to the old you, one I hope she’ll never hear. I’m glad we made a mockery of your death. I’m keeping those pictures.”

“My, that’s quite a thing to say,” Celestia said. “You must have seen more than I thought.”

“While you’re here, I wanted to ask about Tartarus,” I said.

“The invasion is cautiously on,” Celestia said. “This is pending a few things like proper field tests of all the toys your engineers are coming up with, of course. We know the golems work here, but we don’t know how well they’ll fare in the corruption of Tartarus. In the worst case scenario, we could have some of them turn on us.”

“I’ll be giving them more toys to play with soon,” I said. “I decided to stop holding back and open the floodgates. If we’re going to take this world, we’re doing it by storm. Tartarus will be our show of gunboat diplomacy to everyone.”

“I ask that you consult me before making any weapons,” Celestia said. “If we build anything, it must be with the knowledge that it will be copied by others. That means we need countermeasures in place for everything you design, before the designs are sent anywhere.”

“Understood. I’ll consult with Luna. She’ll know more about magical defenses than I do. Humans were usually more on the offensive than the defensive.”

“I can also assist,” Twilight said. “It’ll be a fun chance to prove that magic really can beat technology!”

“There’s no such thing as a winner in an arms race, Twilight,” Celestia said, trying to look sagely and wise. “All we can do is ensure that we can defend against our own creations.”

“And that’s why there’s a comet hanging over the tower instead of just a big crater,” I said.

“Exactly,” Celestia replied with a nod. “Before you can give a punch, you must always be able to receive one.”

“I feel like I’m missing something,” Twilight said. “What does a comet have to do with anything?”

“Oldlestia destroyed Nightmare Moon’s capital with a comet during the civil war,” I replied. “Nightmare Moon replied with a comet of her own, but the tower caught it and used magic to turn it into a research center.”

“I give you a ninety-five out of a hundred,” Celestia said, grinning. “They actually left the comet in place for a while, but only because they had to break it up in the air to be safe. While it was up there, some of the heads of the tower decided a floating research tower would be the perfect symbol of their power, along with acting as proof of their victory. So once the rare resources in the comet were mined out, they gathered some inexpensive stone, had the figure constructed on the ground, then anchored it in the sky.”

“So, question,” I said. “What’s stopping someone from making a floating city made of rock?”

“The maintenance,” Twilight said. “The runes have to be kept completely clean at all times. Plus, parts of it need to be charged with magic power. That’s easy at the tower, since it’s just a single large rock and there’s enough ambient magic in the air to keep it charged without much interference. But a city would take a lot of power to keep afloat. It might even require unicorns working there as a full time job just to keep it operational. And since the only races who’d want to live in a flying city can also live in clouds instead, building a floating city like you’re envisioning is unfeasible.”

“Makes sense, just checking. So, Celestia, how long do you plan to be here? There are probably some things we need to talk about privately, but if you’re just here to say hi, I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

“I plan to stay here at least long enough to fix your clothing,” she said. “For that, I’d like to borrow your body for a few moments, then Flo.”

“Explain what you mean by borrowing my body.”

“I need to magically scan it to get all of your measurements,” Celestia said. “Then I can use Flo as a sizing model to magically resize each outfit as she tries them on.”

“There’s a spell for that?” Twilight asked.

“I said magically resize each outfit,” Celestia replied with a small grin. “You are welcome to use this as a lesson, Twilight.”

“Well, go ahead and scan me,” I said. Celestia looked me up and down before lifting an eyebrow. “What?”

“Can she scan you while you’re wearing the robe?” Kat asked.

“I don’t know, can she?” I asked.

“I would like you to remove it,” Celestia said.

“Is removing it necessary or would removing it make scanning me easier?” I asked.

“Not in the slightest,” Celestia cheerfully replied.

“Thank you,” I said, untying my robe. “If all you wanted was to see me naked, you could have just said so.” I slid the robe off and placed it on my desk. “There, happy?”

“Would it be too much to ask for you to offer to bend over in front of me, too? I mean, I’m also royalty, right?”

“What, did Twilight tell you about that?” I asked.

“No, Aqua told Oldlestia,” Newlestia said. “Aqua kept her informed of several of your antics. Celestia found joy in hearing about the ways Aqua was ruining you. If you’d like, I can tell you all of them in detail later.”

“I got a front row seat to her shenanigans in the coma. So, mind scanning me?”

“Oh, I did that when I opened your robe earlier,” Celestia said. I rolled my eyes and put the robe right back on. “It’ll take a few minutes for us to go through your entire wardrobe. Longer, with me using it as a lesson for Twilight. It’s been some time since you last ate, Nav. Head downstairs for now and get something in you. We’ll join you when we finish.”

“Works for me,” I said. “And only adjust the clothes to fit my size, please. No making them girlier just to watch the light in my eyes die a little more.”

“I would never do that, silly,” Celestia replied, booping me on the nose with a wing. “Now run along and get some snacks, Navi. We’ll be downstairs soon!”

“Sure,” I said. I didn’t really want to watch them play dress up with Flo, so I started walking to the door. Kat and Doppel joined me.

While we were walking out, Twilight asked, “So why do you even know magic like this?”

“I learned it as part of my practice to be the perfect wife,” Celestia said. “Luna and I have taken several classes about it over the course of our lives. She failed all of hers, but I passed mine with flying colors!”

She probably wanted me to keep listening to her brag, but I did my best to tune her out as I walked over to the staircase. Doppel, of course, flew straight down like the peasant she was. Kat properly tended to her lady, joining me as I trudged down the endless stairs that Twilight so effortlessly bypassed.

When we got to the ground floor, we encountered a sight I honestly wasn’t expecting. Aurora, the griffin guy I hired from Atlantis, was standing next to Doppel. They were wearing matching maid outfits.

“So. Doppel. Was this your doing?”

“I offered my employee the full selection of outfits we had planned,” Doppel evenly replied. “Aurora made his own choices.”

“...My lady,” the griffin quietly said, not meeting my gaze. To be quite honest, the only reason I could tell he was a guy is because I already knew. Someone taught him how to apply makeup, so his facial feathers looked much more feminine. “Um… Sunshine Smiles also helped me pick…”

That fucking slut! “Does Gilda rate him as passing?” I asked.

“The princess thinks I am a hen,” Aurora said with a smug smile. “I’ve been tending to her needs while she’s staying here.”

“Wait, she’s still staying here?” I asked. “Why?”

“Because you offered to let her stay here,” Doppel said. “Do you not remember?”

“Of course I remember, but that was while I was awake. Why would she stick around when I went into the coma?”

“She wanted to study the bunker,” Kat said.

“So why isn’t she staying at the palace?” I asked. “Doesn’t Celestia have her own teleport circle set up now? The palace is more secure than my house and that’s where their embassy is, right?”

“Twilight has also been staying over,” Doppel said. “We’ve had to change the sheets in the princess’s room every morning because of it. I believe their… research might be hindered if the princess was in the palace.”

I sighed again before looking Aurora up and down. It’s not like I could say the maid outfit didn’t suit him. He made for the perfect trap. “...I’ll allow it, I guess,” I said, my wings sagging slightly. “It’s not like trying to have a new outlook on life actually meant anything normal would happen… Just don’t make me regret this.”

“I would never, my lady!” Aurora happily said. The only thing that might make people wonder was his voice, and I’m sure he could practice speaking more softly. I really didn’t care anymore, so I just walked past them toward the day room. “We’ll prepare tea and snacks at once!” My two maids walked on to the kitchen.

“Kat, would you happen to know if I’ve had any important guests stop by?” I asked as we walked to a table. “Aside from the obvious ones, of course.”

“Two come to mind,” she said. “The hornless mare from the tower has visited at least once a day since a week and a half ago, trying to talk to you. And a griffin noble has visited a few times to see if you’re available. He seems to want to ask if you know someone and can introduce him.”

“What did the dehorned mare want?”

“A job, I believe,” Kat said. “She seemed to think an up and coming noble needs an experienced mage, even if that mage has no horn.”

“I have a bunch of those,” I said. “Watcher, Twilight, and Luna all probably know more than this chick. I could probably find uses for her, though. If nothing else, I can use her as a professor at the academy. Speaking of, what’s the progress on it?”

“They’re still drawing plans and collecting materials,” Kat said. “No one wanted to break ground without your word, after all.”

“Understandable.” Before I could get more of a status update, the four people practicing in the backyard joined us. Taya was bubbly and energetic. Gilda and Spike were limping and seemed a little out of sorts. The naga was watching Taya’s back with a look of concern. She, of course, ignored it and hurried to join me and Kat at our table. “Did you have fun?” I asked my smiling filly.

“Yep, it all still works! Magic use was weird in the coma, but it’s all back to normal now.”

“You could use magic in there?” Kat asked. “Did you have to fight?

“I don’t know if you could call what we did fighting,” I said. “The upside of fighting enemies that you’ve already beaten is that you know for a fact you could beat them when you did it. Given the extra skills we’ve both gotten since and even the things that once traumatized me were nothing in the face of both of us.”

“So is this the part where we get cool coma stories?” Spike asked, sitting as far away from Taya as he could get.

“Hey, why are you wearing that robe instead of the one from Princess Gilda?” the other Gilda asked. “Don’t tell me you like that bug more than our princess!”

“First, I didn’t know Gilda brought me a robe. Second, why do you know Gilda brought me a robe, Gilda? And third, why do you care which I’m wearing or who I prefer?”

“I know because I gave her all my suggestions when she asked. And I care because she’s paying me well enough to care. What, did you really think you could just leave for three weeks and come back like nothing with the kind of herd you have?”

“It’s not like there are armed factions forming for the rights to my vag,” I said.

“You should be careful what you say, actually,” Spike said. “You made a lot of powerful women very interested, Nav. Watcher is certain there are at least four spy groups watching our house at any moment. He knows three of them are definitely connected to your paramours.”

“And the fourth?”

“Journalists,” Spike said with a shrug. “And bounty hunters, sometimes. They usually take one look at the security and decide to take on different jobs. Not many people are dumb enough to attack a house guarded by night guards, a naga, a dragon, a giant spider, a griffin, and an alicorn. Especially if they know the lady is out.”

“And now that the lady is in?” I asked.

“Anyone strong enough to get past the dumb muscle will be put in its place by the smart muscle,” Kat smugly said.

“I’m not a fan of having a bounty on my head. What have we learned about it?”

“Do you remember the Dog Father?” Kat asked.

“Yes, the crime lord I brought down in seconds, literally just by standing there.”

“As it turns out, he had family,” Kat said. “The bounty was apparently placed on you a long time ago, but traffic between the land of the dogs and Equestria was so low that news of it didn’t spread here until you started doing things to improve the flow of traffic and trade.”

“I didn’t do anything, though,” I said.

“You are the one who discovered Atlantis, are you not?” Kat asked. “The existence of a friendly nation between Equestria and China that allows for the safe transport of goods and information regardless of the weather conditions. That was you, wasn’t it? And it was also you who convinced the leaders of that country to join back together with the world, right?”

“Anyway, get to the point.”

“Someone in the Chinese underworld was upset enough at you to hire people to capture or kill you,” Kat said. “And we know this person is related to the Dog Father. Apparently Celestia’s contacts in China are lacking, because that’s all we know for now.”

“So, basically what we knew from the start. And even once we deal with the source of the bounty, it’ll still take a while for the news to spread that the bounty is no more. And then some new asshole will decide to put a bounty on me and the process will continue.”

“The solution to that is simple,” Kat said. “We don’t just kill the source, we make him into an example.”

“I can work with that,” I said. “I’m done being gentle with this world. The kiddie gloves are coming off.”

“What do you mean, gentle?” Spike scoffed. “Since when were you gentle?”

“Celestia and Luna asked me to make weapons,” I said. “I told them no. That was me being gentle. And now, I’m the one telling Celestia and Luna to make weapons. If you think I haven’t been gentle up until now, you’re going to be in for a rude awakening by the time we get to Tartarus.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said. “Tell that to the dragon whose soul you stole.”

“Was that disrespect I heard?” Doppel sweetly asked from behind Spike. She placed the plate of snacks on the table with just a little more force than was necessary, making the dragon jump a little.

“No, of course not,” Spike instantly replied.

“Good. Our lady has finally returned to us. You should be grateful.”

“Yeah, Spike,” I said. “Start showing some of that gratitude, huh?”

“Oh, I’m gonna,” he said. “Just you wait, Navi. It was already decided that Gilda and I got to be in charge of dinner when you got back. Or at the very least, your part of it.”

“Good. Gilda, the frillier and pinker his apron, the better it tastes. I think it’s remnants of Rarity’s mental conditioning.”

“The worst part is, I can’t even deny the possibility,” Spike sighed, hanging his head for a moment. “But on the upside, I know just how to make our lady look pretty now!”

“Are you saying she isn’t always pretty?” Kat asked.

Listening to people fighting over me made it finally sink in that I actually was home. It’s sad that’s what it took, but I was still very glad to be awake. Being reminded that I was alive made me realize I actually was kinda hungry, so I started eating. Aqua, where are you?

“Out and about in Canterlot,” she replied in my head. “Would you like me to return ahead of schedule?”

Yes. I have a single job for you before I kill you for good. You will undo some of the damage to my filly.

“Understood. I will be back shortly.”

“You just got back and you’re already tuning us out again?” Spike said, making me blink and actually focus on him.

“I was speaking to Aqua. I’ve seen Flo since my return, but not her. I have two orders for her, so I was telling her to return.”

“Why order her to do anything?” Spike asked. “You have Flo, right?”

“One order is something Flo won’t do and the other order is something Flo can’t do.”

“Cascade is very worried about that,” Kat quickly said. “Any order from you that Flo won’t obey is probably something that shouldn’t be done… according to Cascade, at least.”

“And I’m very worried about Cascade,” I replied. “You’ve been in her possession for quite some time now, yet your mental state has done little to improve. Water elementals are supposed to be healing presences, are they not?”

“I determined that my state as insane is better for my lady,” Kat proudly replied.

“Your owner disagrees,” I replied. “Allow Cascade to help you.”

“Yeah, why would the crazy person get to decide their own treatment?” Taya asked. “That’s like letting a prisoner pick their punishment.”

“...As my lady wills it,” Kat quietly replied, looking down.

A blob of water suddenly entered the room and zoomed right up to me. Once it was close enough, the blob expanded into a bimbo-ified Aqua. She immediately bowed, which made her huge boobs jiggle delightfully. “I have come as my lady called,” she said.

“You already know your first order,” I said. Remove Taya’s crush on me.

“As you command,” she replied. She reached over to poke Taya and pulled away a moment later. “It is done.”

“And your second order is simple,” I said with a cheery grin. “Die.”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Aqua said, hopefully the last words she would ever utter. Her body collapsed into a small black bubble. A small amount of water dribbled out of me and slid over to the larger blob.

“Whoa, you’re really gonna kill her?” Spike asked.

“She’s already dead,” I replied. “I left her alive for so long because I knew she did things to me while she was in my head that she hadn’t told me about. The coma showed me the events clearly and Aqua was given the opportunity to explain herself. I declared her guilty and decided to figuratively lop off her head the next time I saw her. This is the result.”

“So what was your first order?” Gilda asked. “All she did was poke your filly. It’s not like Aqua made Taya a host, given that she just died.”

“She was dealing with a personality quirk that Taya and I both decided was better off gone,” I said. “Flo disagreed with our method, so I decided to use Aqua before I got rid of her. Taya, how do you feel?”

“Like everything’s right with the world, mommy,” Taya said, sighing in delight. “I can actually think straight again!”

“Good, though I don’t mind you thinking gay either. I’m sorry it had to come to this, but sometimes taking the easy way out isn’t the worst choice.”

“I don’t need convincing, mommy,” Taya sweetly said.

“Why didn’t you just have her fix my insanity instantly?” Kat asked.

“Because Cascade might not accept that. And because I didn’t have your permission, so it would be kinda rude. Besides, I told Aqua I would only have two more orders for her. Raising it to three would make me a liar.”

“I understand, my lady,” Kat replied. “You wish for me to work on it myself.”

“So, what, did you just not listen to anything I said?”

Before she could reply, what used to be Aqua flashed and turned blue. Flo slid into the room right as the new elemental took a female form. “So it’s finally done,” Flo said. “Welcome, sister. How do you feel?”

“Intrigued,” the new elemental said. “My name is Darya. I have memories of the one called Aqua.” Her eyes moved straight to me. “Do you feel any hostility toward me, now that I am reset?”

“You aren’t Aqua anymore, are you?” I asked. “As long as you aren’t, as far as I’m concerned, you’re a completely new person.”

“She definitely isn’t Aqua,” Flo said. “She will have Aqua’s memories, but the personality is different and all the corruption has been wiped. She is still an alpha model, so any orders from you should require her to obey.”

“Orders will not be necessary,” Darya said, bowing to me. “After a quick search of available memories, I have determined you are one of the more powerful entities in the world. I would like to serve you until I am more comfortable with things.”

Flo, would it be viable to use her as a communication relay between me and my followers? If she’s not actually listening to their thoughts or whatnot, it wouldn’t take much effort to keep in contact, right?

“That is viable,” Flo said in my head. “Though I would prefer to be your sole elemental.”

She isn’t offering to be my elemental, she’s offering to serve me. “I can use your help,” I said out loud. “First, I want to see if you can act as a relay. Can you enter the heads of everyone here just enough so that you can talk to them? Don’t make them full hosts.”

“Understood,” Darya said. She reached thin tendrils out to Gilda, Spike, Kat, Taya, and me. Once everyone had been marked, she nodded. “Done.”

Repeat my words in their heads. Raise your right hand. None of them moved. If you make me say the name of each appendage you all own, I’m going to get a sword to raise them all myself. In response, all of them raised their front right appendage. Lower them. Just like that, they did. Spike, pinch Gilda’s cheek. Spike did so and Gilda immediately slapped him.

“Relaying speech is simple,” Darya said. “Though I would like the opportunity to obtain an actual host.”

“If you find anyone willing, feel free,” I said. “If you’d like, I wouldn’t mind you sitting in my head until you can find someone better. I don’t know if I can technically call you young, but you are a new existence. You’d probably feel better with someone to talk to.”

“If you would be so kind,” Darya said, her eyes glowing pink. Another tendril shot toward me and she put more water in my head. “Though I think Flo might be jealous…”

“I just got finished telling her I would like being her sole elemental,” Flo said, not even trying to hide her slightly green body.

“Darya isn’t my elemental,” I said. “She’s my servant, apparently. Besides, this way, she can ask for clarification about anything I tell her to relay.”

“And it gives you another alpha elemental to do your dirty work for you,” Flo coldly replied.

“Hey, I was only thinking that!” I said. “It’s not fair to share someone’s inner thoughts! It’s not like I’d actually make someone innocent do anything wrong. Aqua was already guilty of plenty of terrible things, so I didn’t feel bad about making her do other terrible stuff. But as of now, I’m not about to ask Darya to do anything I wouldn’t ask you to do.”

“I would not have wanted to help fix your filly’s personality quirk,” Darya said. “One reason I asked to serve you is because I did not think you would force me to do anything.”

“If I ask you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, let me know and I’ll find someone else,” I said.

“Couldn’t you just… not do it, instead?” Flo asked. “If it’s something a pure water elemental wouldn’t want you doing, it’s likely something you don’t need to do.”

“Eh. So, is Darya really a water pun? It’s not as on the nose as the rest.”

“It means ‘sea’ in a human language,” she replied. “The obvious ones must have been taken already.”

“Tell that to Carl,” Spike muttered.

“Well, I chose not to pick a name for you so you could fit in with the cool kids. Flo, where are the other elementals, anyway?”

“Most are currently at the bunker,” Flo said. “Waterfall and River are currently in Gryphus, guarding the prince.”

“Good, he’s still just the prince. But I take it things are going downhill fast?”

“They aren’t just guarding him. They’re also attempting to soothe tensions. But without any kind of reputation, they’re just blobs of water speaking about peace. They at least have the benefit of your name behind them, but that means nothing for the other faction, who hates you.”

“As long as they can keep Hooters alive long enough for us to fix things once it comes to fighting, we’ll be fine,” I said. “Now that I’m awake, our response time can probably be minutes.”

“The princess and Twilight set up a teleport circle to the palace at Gryphus, actually,” Gilda said. “It’s a small three person pad that links directly between Princess Gilda’s two rooms.”

“That makes things easier. I’ll only need two vassals to finish things.”

“...I feel like you’re severely underestimating griffins,” Gilda coldly said.

“Magic and hands beat wings and claws any day,” I said with a shrug. “Griffins have their strengths, but Luna is stronger. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do intend to bring more than just two people, but I don’t need to bring more than two. I’ll only do so for convenience. Wait, can the waters heal the king?”

“That was their original goal,” Flo said. “However, his body was still weakened. He has longer, but not by much. At this point, proceedings are underway to transition the crown to Hooters while Bloodbeak is still alive.”

It’s a shame they’re going from a king with an awesome name like Bloodbeak to one with such a lame name like Hooters… “Gilda, is Hooters a popular griffin name?”

“No, all rulers are given powerful names,” she replied. “Hooters is the name of a great general, according to the princess. Apparently he did some cool stuff. Most griffins I’ve met think the prince has really grown into it.”

“Huh. Well, whatever. With luck, the current king and the two elementals can help smooth things over so we aren’t needed, but I doubt we’ll be that lucky. Doppel, Kat, do you know of anywhere that offers noble training courses?”

“Fleur recommended two,” Kat said.

“Good. I’ll enroll Taya in young lady courses soon.”

“What about yourself?” Doppel asked.

“Frick the police,” I replied with a shrug.

“That’s… not really an answer,” Spike said. “I mean, I guess you could probably get away with it, since you’ve always been rough around the edges, but… shouldn’t you want to improve yourself?”

“Not like that,” I said. “Besides, I can blend in with nobles if I really want to, I just don’t like doing it because acting vapid and super polite all the time isn’t fun. However, Taya can’t blend in at all. That needs to change. So she’ll be taking young lady courses to learn how to mimic noble fillies so the noble adults won’t have fodder to use as insults against us.”

“If I’m going to be a permafilly, I have to be the ideal permafilly!” Taya proudly replied.

“So where’s Celestia?” I asked. “Is she still messing around with my clothes?”

“She used my body to make the models she needed so I could greet my new sister,” Flo said, bowing lightly to Darya. “But she should be finished shortly.”

“I won’t call you mom if you marry her,” Spike said. “But I do think you should do it.”

“Your opinion has been noted,” I said. “At least you didn’t sell yourself out like Gilda.”

“Money’s money,” Gilda replied with a shrug. “Besides, I think it’s hilarious you turned our princess into your little sex toy. Especially since you did it while her guards were around and somehow got away with it. Marrying Princess Gilda just means you’ll keep finding new ways to get away with doing things to her, right? Also, having you married into the royal family would seriously boost the power of our kingdom. I don’t usually care about that sorta thing, but I’ve been paying more attention ever since you got turned into a noble. With you at the helm, Equestria’s getting a little too powerful, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s just your imagination,” I replied. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Blaze has told me full well what kinds of weapons they’re building on that ship!” Gilda said. “And we all saw what that golem was capable of!”

“Golems can’t fly, silly,” I said with a smile. I bet they can fire huge hand-held cannons, though… Load one with a net or buckshot and you could take down a horde of griffins.

“I don’t think that matters to a castle,” Kat said. “From what I saw of the royal palace at Gryphus, ten golems could completely wreck the place in an hour or two. With them to lead the way, unicorn assault squads could follow behind to tear it down brick by brick.”

“And I think you just mentioned something about the kiddie gloves coming off,” Gilda said. “About how you’ll be telling Celestia to make you weapons.”

“Yeah… Tartarus is gonna be fun,” I said. “It’ll be a good opportunity, I think. Luna and I are going to be working together for a while coming up with things. That part isn’t gonna be very fun, but I’ll manage. Spike, do you know how common the letter sending ability that dragons have is? I know Kumani can do it, but she’s some kind of high ranking dragon.”

“I’m not really sure,” he said. “Why?”

“I’m going to start some businesses,” I said. “One of them is going to be a transportation company. Sometimes documents are high priority and need to get from one place to another as quickly as possible. Normally, the fastest way to get across the country is a train or an airship, but those still take a week. Dragonbreath can get a letter from one person to another instantly. If I can hire two or three dragons per location that have that skill, I could make good money. But if the skill is uncommon, I’ll have to pay more for their services, which will drive the cost of the business up. If it’s not a common skill, I’ll work on an alternative while we start setting up the teleport circles. We’ll need infrastructure, but that shouldn’t be an issue.”

“...Teleport circles?” Kat slowly said. “Are you going to offer passenger services, too?”

“Yes. Plus, they can be used to send large amounts of packages. Say we open three stores in Canterlot, with a single warehouse in a central location. The three stores will collect packages from people every day, then send them to the central warehouse. From there, they can be sorted by location and placed on teleport pads that correspond to different warehouses in other cities. Add a little bit of magic and you can have next-day delivery for any package. If you were going to do passengers, set it up with a schedule for each different city and have groups of people teleport out at certain times. With the circle to make teleportation much easier, just about any unicorn can do it.”

“That… seems so obvious though!” Spike said. “Why hasn’t anyone else done it?”

“Because those old fogies at the tower hoard their knowledge,” I said. “And most of the nerds who bother learning shit like that don’t have the kind of mind required to monetize it. I’ve been thinking about stuff like this for a while, but I didn’t want to step on any toes or change things too much. But as Gilda just said, the kiddie gloves are coming off. That means more than just weapons. I’m tired of living in a bullshit pseudo-Middle Age civilization. It’s time we revolutionize and industrialize. We’re going forward two hundred years into the future in one big jump.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Spike asked.

“No, that’s why it took me so long to decide to do it,” I said. “But it’s too late for me to consider the consequences. I’ve already irrevocably shattered society as you knew it. The way I figure, now that I have the momentum of taking Celestia behind me, I might as well see what I can do to force this world back into motion.”

“...You say things like that a lot,” Kat slowly said. “About how the world seems to have stopped, and yet now that you’re here, it’s finally in motion. What do you mean by that, truly?”

“What, you haven’t noticed?” I asked. “Celestia turned this place into her Garden of Eden, a veritable paradise, with her as the goddess ruling over it. Of course, the requirement for staying in the Garden of Eden is the complete lack of knowledge. Basically, staying ignorant and blind, like sheep. Celestia froze this world in time. She was too afraid of finding something she couldn’t control that she halted all technological and cultural advancements. She also sent out spies and saboteurs to make sure the other races stayed in constant states of conflict so they couldn’t mess with her garden.”

“You describe it so well,” Celestia herself said. Apparently she was done with my clothes, and was standing right behind me with Twilight. Both of their horns were lit up, along with their hooves. That probably meant they used magic to keep themselves silent so they could eavesdrop easily. “When did you notice, Nav?”

“There was an ancient book hidden in Twilight’s library that detailed the true founding of Equestria,” I replied. “It didn’t have all the details, but it told me enough. After that, all it took was a few conversations with the two of you to confirm it. Being forced to choose between being sent to Egypt and being imprisoned for life was when I knew it was too late for me, and that I had been caught in the goddess’s web. After all, I was something that wasn’t supposed to exist in her garden, something with forbidden knowledge.”

“Something that made me panic,” Celestia said. “But that is now behind us. Soon, I will no longer be a goddess of the sun. And with luck, my sister will no longer be Satan.”

“What, did Luna tell you I said that?” I asked.

“No, Aqua did,” Celestia said. “She relayed that conversation back to me, because she knew hearing that it was initiated by Twilight would break my heart. Oldlestia was quite vexed that you stole her sister and her student.”

“Then she shouldn’t have been a cunt. Thank you for fixing my clothes.”

“You are very welcome, Navi,” she said, leaning in to nuzzle me.

Since she was in a perfect position, I snatched her crown again, making her jump back. Instead of parading it around, though, I just looked at it more closely. “Luna said these were runes. Did you carve them yourself?”

“No, I didn’t make the crown,” she said. “That relic was crafted by a smithing team composed of minotaurs and dragons. I did make my own shoes and peytral, though. They were all remade recently due to your abilities. I’ll be happy to share some of my knowledge, but for my own safety’s sake, I don’t want to spread the word of what my personal equipment can do.”

“Makes sense,” I said, holding the crown up. Instead of taking it back, she lowered her head for me. I was the one who removed it, so I guess it’s only fair I put it back. I gently lowered the crown back in place. “I don’t think a princess is supposed to be lowering her head for people.”

“I don’t think a vassal is supposed to be stealing her princess’s crown,” Twilight replied.

“It’s not like there isn’t a precedent for this,” Celestia said with a grin. “I don’t mind if Navi borrows my crown. I know she’ll give it back. Or, you know, have it sent back. After all, she is the one who allowed me to keep it.”

“I wasn’t the only one who made that choice,” I said. “You have five people to thank for still being alive.”

“Speaking of which, should we have another summit?” Twilight asked. “Now that you’re awake, everyone could meet again, this time only with rulers.”

“But I don’t rule anything,” I said. “There’d be no reason to wait for me to wake up.”

“Don’t be obtuse,” Twilight said. “It’s not a summit if you aren’t there, is it? No one else would bother agreeing to it if you weren’t going!”

“She’s right,” Celestia said. “Both that we should have another summit and that no one would agree if you didn’t attend. The last time was more of a trial for the mare I was and less of a true political summit. After I was informed my country would be heading to war, I had Flo tell me everything that was discussed. I believe, now that each party has had more time to think about everything, we should meet again.”

As if I didn’t have enough shit on my plate. “We can use that opportunity to confront Moonie, I guess,” I said. “Though if we’re just inviting rulers, wouldn’t that only be four people, plus me? I guess maybe one more, if you add Shining Armor.”

“I think it would be best to start small,” Celestia replied with a nod. “There’s no reason to get too many countries involved at once. It’s better that we use a small subset to see how things go before we try branching out to more unknowns. There are several small independent groups here and there around the outer edges of Equestria, but there are no true strengths anywhere on this continent outside of the ponies, the griffins, the changelings, and the Crystal Empire. All other groups would either refuse to join or would be more trouble than they’re worth.”

“Wait, how many different power bases are there in this place?” I asked. “I thought you had everything here basically under lock and key.”

“Remember the naga?” Twilight asked. “That’s an independent faction living directly under a group of Equestrian farmers. Then there’s the buffalo out in Appleloosa.”

“And the deer in the Whitetail Woods,” Celestia added. “They have several small city-states set up all over Equestria, mooching off the peace we give them by keeping their predators out and acting high and mighty like we should be grateful for the privilege.”

“Why haven’t you just conquered them?” I asked.

“More trouble than it’s worth,” she replied with a shrug.

“Why haven’t you just subjugated them?” I asked.

“That’s just conquering with fewer steps,” she replied. “It’s just about as much trouble and it gives far less value.”

“Why haven’t you just wiped them out? I mean, deer tastes delicious.”

“Because the only pony willing to eat them was Luna, and she got her fill from the tributes they sent to the predator races.”

“...I chased the rabbit-hole too far,” I said, hanging my head for a moment. I didn’t let it bother me for long, though. “So, let’s have another summit. Geographically speaking, Gryphus is probably closest to the middle for all of us, right? Cadance hosted last time, so should we do it there next?”

“No, Cadance will be hosting this time, as well,” Celestia said. “I’ll arrange teleportation for the griffin representative. I’m not sure if they’ll send Hooters or Bloodbeak. We’ll have Cadance send out the invitations, as well.”

“Shouldn’t Nav do that?” Twilight asked. “Cadance may be hosting, but it’s Nav who will bring everyone together.”

“I’ve read the invitations and letters that Nav sends,” Celestia replied. “Cadance will handle the invitations. They’ll just be a formality, anyway. By the time of the summit, everyone necessary will be informed.”

“Before the summit, I’d like to talk to some demons and familiars,” I said. “More information about Tartarus will be valuable when discussing an invasion.”

“Agreed,” Celestia said. “Luna and I have already collected the familiar summoning books you requested. I’ll have a few inquisitors on standby before we begin summoning things. Their knowledge will help us ensure the information we’re given is as accurate as possible.”

“Good. What’s the ETA on the dreadnought?”

“A week and a half,” Celestia said. “Though that time is variable. The ship could get here in a week, but I’m having it detour around heavily populated areas so it can avoid attention and pick up more resources. The dock for it has already been completely constructed, but it hasn’t been attached to the mountain yet. That will be done when the ship is finally in view.”

“Cool. Do you mind if I revolutionize, industrialize, and just generally overall break Equestria?”

“Come to me before you do anything in particular, please,” Celestia replied. “It’s possible that some of the things you want to try have already been done before, but were stopped for various reasons.”

“‘Kay. It’s not like I have to worry about you stealing my ideas anymore.”

“Wait, when did Celestia steal your ideas?” Twilight asked.

“Nav never gave me the opportunity,” Celestia replied with a warm smile. “After all, she knew I would steal them. There’s no way I would have allowed a nonpony to accrue the kind of power Nav is capable of attaining. That’s why, as soon as I had access to the memories you gave Chrysalis, I had my pony inventors start churning things out. And yet, I don’t think we were given a fraction of what you’re really capable of, were we?”

“You sure weren’t,” I said. “I gave Princess Gilda the most, and even she didn’t have enough time to learn much. I have quite a lot to do in the future. Thankfully, having a few water elementals around means copying schematics and transferring knowledge are both instant. Flo, Jonathan knows how to turn matter from one form into another, right? If we gave him all the schematics on the laptop, do you think he could clone objects? If we could feed him magnets, metal, and silicone and get a computer or a generator back, we could speed things up even more.”

“That’s not viable,” Flo replied. “We already tried. His matter conversion control isn’t that precise.”

“It’s precise enough to literally modify someone’s mind, but not atoms?”

“It’s a difference in design,” Flo said. “He was not designed with the kind of precision necessary to clone things as you desire. He was designed to be able to modify minds.”

“Fair enough,” I said with a shrug. “I can’t blame a screwdriver for not being able to drive a nail. Even without that, we’ll be able to get along quite nicely with the elementals helping. They can copy human designs and we can ship them to the university to have the final product modified to work with magic as the source of power.”

“I’ve always dreamed of being a xerox in my spare time,” Flo sarcastically replied.

“You’re better than a xerox, Flo,” I said. “Replacing your ink is cheaper, you work more often, I don’t have to worry about networking you or plugging you in, when something is wrong I can usually understand when you tell me about it, and you only overheat when you get angry. But if you don’t wanna, I’m sure I can find other water elementals who would enjoy spending time with me.”

My chair suddenly disappeared, only to be replaced by pink water. I fell back into Flo’s very wet embrace. “It’s so nice to have you back, Navi,” she sweetly said, cuddling me close.

“I guess even a coma isn’t enough to change getting nonconsensually cuddled,” I said with a sigh.

“Why does she get away with it?!” Spike demanded.

“Because I’m incapable of beating her into submission,” I replied. “Plus, she’s soft and squishy instead of hard and unpliable.”

Celestia gasped in surprise, then used magic to drag me out of Flo’s grasp and into her own. “I’m also soft, squishy, and someone you’re incapable of beating into submission!” she gleefully shouted. “I’m sure petitioners won’t mind if I’m cuddling you while on the throne…”

“I think I also fit that criteria,” Twilight said with a creepy smile.

“Yeah, Nav’s kinda wimpy,” Gilda said. “I think most of us fit that criteria, assuming we get the drop on her. I’m pretty sure even Spike could get her in a good enough grasp to forcefully cuddle her for a while, but I guess he doesn’t count since he’s not soft or squishy....”

Two wet hands pulled me out of Celestia’s warm and fuzzy legs and placed me back in my chair. “Please do not bully our lady overly much,” Darya said. “She has, after all, just returned. For now, space out your bullying to give her more time to acclimate.”

“...I’m not going to thank you for that,” I said. She bowed and slid a few steps back.

“If I’m not allowed to toy with her anymore, I should probably depart,” Celestia said, hanging her head. “I would like to speak with you again soon, but unfortunately, princess-like things await…”

You were staying here just so you could mess with me? “I’m glad you came to see me as soon as you could, and helped me fix my clothes while you were at it,” I said. “I intend to announce that thing to everyone tonight. With luck, we can start looking for countermeasures soon.”

“Between me, Luna, and Twilight, it shouldn’t take us long,” Celestia said. “Farewell for now, Navi. If you have time, you should join Spike at the castle tomorrow. I added another chef to my staff recently…”

“I’ve heard,” I said. “If I have time, I might. I wouldn’t mind putting some of your thick meat inside of me.” Twilight groaned and shook her head in disappointment.

“I’ll be sure not to disappoint,” Celestia said. She licked her lips for a moment before grinning and teleporting off.

“So, all my clothes are fixed?” I asked.

“They are,” Twilight said with a nod.

“This robe is super comfy, but I’m pretty sure it’s not appropriate for a lady to lounge around in one, right?”

“Only if it’s in her bedroom,” Doppel said. “Now that you have other clothes, you should change.”

“Very well,” I said, standing. “Kat, come assist your lady.”

“As you command,” she said, following me out. Thankfully, everyone else got the message that I wanted to talk to Kat alone. Either that or they decided they didn’t want to spend time with me anymore.

I stopped when I got to the main room with the staircases. Before, I was too focused on the crossdressing griffin to really pay attention. Now, though… “What the fuck is that?” I asked.

“That is your noble portrait, my lady,” Kat happily replied, latching onto my arm so we could gaze up at it together. It was a painting of me and Taya standing together in very fancy dresses. Apparently it was spring in the painting, because our hair was green and covered in flowers. My tail even had bows on it!

“Who is responsible for this?” I quietly asked.

“Isn’t it so purrrfect?” Kat asked, snuggling up close to me. “You both look so cute!” We weren’t even smiling, so I don’t know what she was talking about. Although… In another time, in another place… I might have wanted to ask myself out…

Suppressing my urge to burn down everything, I just turned and dragged Kat up the stairs. There were several new paintings now, but that was the only one I featured in. It was front and center in the main room, so it would be the first thing most visitors saw. Having it moved was tempting, but I’m pretty sure pictures like that were prestigious or whatever, so I decided to leave it be.

Even if I did want to slash it to pieces.

When we got to my room, Kat closed the door behind us. By the time I turned to face her, she was already almost naked. “I shall be prepared to service you in a moment, my lady,” she said, walking over to where she hid the toys.

“That’s not why we’re here,” I said.

“I know, but I don’t want you to be cranky after dinner,” Kat said. “It won’t take—”

“Kat.” She froze. “You told me once that you’d follow any order I gave without thinking about the contents, without questioning its purpose, and without any doubt in your mind. And yet now you’re running roughshod over me. How does that add up? How can you swear to obey me and then behave like this?”

“...All I do, I do for you,” she quietly replied.

“I’m not particularly interested in another sob story. I don’t think I’ll need to be serviced for a while, either.” She flinched and spun my way, eyes wide. “I’ve gotten addicted to sex again. That’s going to change.”

“T-there’s no harm, my lady!” Kat immediately replied. “I think it even helps you keep calm!”

“And I think it should be my decision to make,” I said. “And I’ve made it. Now, about your therapy with Cascade. She needs to start helping you clear your head. You have some darkness up there that needs to be purified. Or if you’d prefer, you can try your luck with a coma instead. My head’s on straighter now, I think.”

“It would not do for me to leave your side!” Kat said, rushing forward to grab my shoulders. “If it means I can stay with you, I’ll allow Cascade to make whatever modifications you want! Please, my lady, turn me into your ideal tool!”

“Yeah, but Cascade probably won’t agree to that. I killed the only person who would have agreed to do so specifically so I wouldn’t be tempted. What I did to Celestia should be relegated to those who are hostile. I’d like you to change the right way. I’m tired of being surrounded by very dangerous crazy people. Cascade, can you help her?”

Kat’s eyes lit up blue as Cascade assumed direct control. “I can, yes. She honestly thought she was better off as she is, that she could be of more service to you while broken than she could while fixed… I will do my best to piece together Kat’s mind, Navarone. Expect it to take time.”

“Do your best. Now then, Kat, help your lady pick an appropriate outfit.”

Kat’s eyes returned to normal and she curtsied. “At once.” She walked over to a wardrobe and started pulling things out.

“While I was in the coma, Doppel mentioned that some people considered making the same potion Taya made,” I said. “What’s your opinion on becoming a tree sister, Kat?”

“I would be pleased to serve you eternally,” she warmly replied.

“I kinda figured. Well, having Cascade in your head will give you a lot longer, anyway. Once Taya and I have a more clear idea of what our abilities are, we’ll talk with everyone and let them decide. But until we know more, it seems like a bad idea to allow anyone else to go through it.”

“I’d happily serve as a guinea pig to test the seed for you,” Kat said. “We aren’t sure yet how the resurrection process works, or how it changes you. If I become a tree sister, I could plant a seed and kill myself to see what happens.”

“No you couldn’t, Cascade wouldn’t let you,” I said. “And I wouldn’t let you, either. No one is going to go out of their way to test it, but if it happens, it happens. Even if we change, it’s better than the alternative.”

“...Of course, my lady. Why do you value my life so highly?”

“Because despite any faults you might have, loyalty and skills are more valuable than gold. You have both, so as long as your behavior remains acceptable, I can deal with quirks. However, you have traits that need to be curbed. The fact that you so readily accepted this means you know what I’m talking about, at least to some extent.”

“It utterly delights me to know that my inner thoughts were laid bare before you, my lady,” Kat said, bowing her head to me. “Despite how vile you must find me, you still keep me around, and even allow me to personally attend you…” She finally walked forward and started untying my robe, a large smile on her face. “Allow me to help you change, as you ordered!”

I did just that, letting her dress me up in a fairly boring green dress. It didn’t take her very long, so I had a feeling she had been practicing somehow. Judging by some of the memories I saw, it was probably with Doppel.

Once I was ready and she had put her clothes back on, she stood me up in front of a large mirror that they bought for some reason. “What do you think, my lady?” Kat asked. She stepped in behind me, placing her paws on my shoulders and her head next to mine.

“It’s acceptable,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere anyway, so as long as it’s something I can wear without Doppel complaining, it’s fine.”

“Wonderful!” I suddenly felt some sharp points on my shoulders. I looked at her paws in the mirror. Her claws were sticking out of her gloves. “My lady, I believe you mentioned something earlier about… drugs. Specifically, about how you are a drug. Would you like to tell me more about that?” My eyes met hers in the mirror. Kat’s eyes were now utterly devoid of emotion, staring at me with a very blank expression.

“What would you do with that information?” I asked. “I believe you said you would follow me without question and without doubt. Is there something you might learn that would change that?”

“It’s just… I’m so interested in you, my lady,” she said, pulling me closer. Her claws got a little more painful and she finally smiled. “I’m quite curious about what drew me in, you see… I never thought to rape anyone before, after all! And yet just a few days after taking care of you, I wanted nothing more than to be with you! To… own you.” Her face moved in closer to mine so she could rub her cheek against mine. Her eyes never moved away from mine in the mirror and they stayed completely lifeless. “So. My lovely, beautiful lady… What happened to me?”

“Kat, step away from me and stop being creepy. It’s overly dramatic and unnecessary.” She took a moment to nibble on my ear before stepping away with a giggle. “Athena and Hera say that humans automatically influence the fae around them. All of the sapient species on the planet that I’ve run into so far have been at least half-fae. Effectively, everything I meet will either want to own me or want to be around me. The actual effect depends on how powerful the being in question is, or what percentage of fae it is. More powerful and influential beings want to own me while the weaker ones desire to be around me. I knew something was weird, but I had no idea what until Athena spelled it out for me. We’re going to look for countermeasures.”

“...I see,” she said, looking down.

“Does this change anything?” I asked.

“Not one,” she replied, looking back up. “I live to serve, my lady.”

“Good. Shall we return below?”

She looked away for a moment. “Um… Was I really being… creepy?”

“Your eyes and sharp claws made me think you were trying to intimidate me. Adding on the grin just made it worse. I figured you were flaunting how close you were and yet how easy it would be for you to kill me. How is that not creepy?”

“M-my lady! I was j-just trying to pull you close to show you I still loved you, despite the drug! My claws were there to show that I will always keep you safe! The smile was to help your heart be at ease, to show you that I’m truly happy!”

“Right, uh huh. We’ll go with that, sure.”

“Hm… Are you sure you should inform the others of something so important? It sounds like a valuable tool.”

“Yes. I don’t want any more princesses to show up to try and claim me. I need to find a solution for this. Until then, I need to inform everyone so they can keep their heads while they’re around me. I’m tired of all the nonsense associated with people wanting to own me. Plus, manipulating people is wrong or whatever.”

“I understand.” With that, we finally went back down to the sun room.

When I got there, I was in for a fairly decent surprise: Taya was petting a cockatrice.

“Taya got one as a pet while you were in the coma,” Darya explained for me, thankfully in my head. “I imagine she wanted to wait until you weren’t around to tell her no.”

Obviously. “So, this is your new pet?” I asked, walking up to it.

“Yep!” Taya said, looking up with a surprisingly noncreepy smile. “Flo named her Rocksy!”

“...Because she turns people into rocks?” I slowly asked.

“Wait, what?!” Taya shouted. “I… I thought it was Roxie, with an x!”

“I’m pretty sure that was Flo’s punishment for making her tame a cockatrice,” I said.

“Wrong,” Flo herself said out loud. “I did it just to annoy you. I knew you’d be the only one who got it.”

Of course. “Thanks, Flo,” I said. “Truly, elemental of the year.” I sat next to my filly and finally looked around the room. Gilda, Spike, the… maids, and the naga were no longer in the room. That just left Taya, her pet, Twilight, and the two elementals. “Twilight, how goes the search for instructors at my academy?”

“Um… About that…”

“If you’ve been too busy, I understand,” I said. “I never gave you a real time frame, so that’s fine. I will need some names before we actually break ground, though.”

“No, that’s not the issue,” Twilight said, sighing. “Celestia heard what you were planning. A day later, she gave me a full dossier of basically everything you were asking for. Inventors, craftsponies, mages, alchemists… Hay, she even included active members of the royal guard who would serve as guest professors!”

“...I’m not going to be able to do anything without that woman getting her hooves in it, am I?” I slowly asked.

“Oh yeah, it’s far too late,” Twilight said. “She’s essentially gonna have you bound hand and foot, Nav. In hindsight, it was obvious this would happen when we chose to spare her, especially since you were one of those who voted to do so. She liked you before all this happened, so now that she’s actually purified, why do you think she’d want to let you go? She enjoys spending time with you, she knows your plans will help everyone if they’re implemented properly and with care, and since you chose to leave her autonomous, she has the authority to force her way into any project she can’t manage to finagle her way into.”

“Thankfully, it’s not all downsides,” I said, though my wings and shoulders sagged. “It’ll be super annoying, but having the power of the princess directly behind me, working with me instead of against me, will be valuable. And as much as I hate to admit it, she’ll probably be able to more wisely do some of the things I planned so they’ll hurt fewer people.”

“Wait, what are you planning?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I do plan on making a bunch of weapons, but that’s not what I meant by that. Every time there’s a technological breakthrough of some kind, someone always walks away hurt. I mean, think about using Jonathan to harvest massive amounts of crops so we can give free food to everyone.”

“...Applejack would be out of work,” Twilight slowly said.

“Anyone with a cutie mark in farming would be done for,” I replied with a nod. “Obviously a few would be needed here and there, but on the whole, their livelihoods would be gone. One possible solution is to have him only harvest a few staple crops like wheat, lentils, and oats. I’d need Celestia’s information on crop yields to find out what would have the least impact, and her knowledge of historical trends would be just as valuable.”

“Yep, the coma definitely did something,” Twilight said, smiling. “You had a lot of grand plans before, but it’s sounding like you’re starting to put more thought into them.”

“Good, I’m glad I didn’t waste three weeks. After everything that’s happened, even having Celestia in the same room with me puts me on edge, but I’ll just have to keep reminding myself that Newlestia is different. I don’t like the idea of her meddling in all of my business, but I know there’s no choice in the matter and I’m also aware that it’ll be mostly beneficial. So… Whatever, I guess. Now, I have a different question. Have you begun research into Tartarus?”

“I haven’t,” Twilight said. “I decided to leave that to the actual soldiers, since they’ll know more about what’s important and what isn’t. I’ve been too busy with other things, unfortunately.”

“Understandable. I did dump a bunch of work on everyone before leaving, after all. Luna will probably be the only one with the info I’m looking for. I guess it would be easier to ask what you have been working on, then.”

“I’ve been helping at the bunker, studying some of the artifacts that were pulled out, comparing them to similar artifacts mentioned in various archives to see if there might be other possible human settlements to dig up, writing some of my own things, and working on necromancy here and there.”

“Did you find any other possible human settlements?” I asked.

“I’ve found four locations of interest,” Twilight said. “One is the capital of the minotaurs. Given that you’re their forerunner, that was an obvious one. One is on the island north of mainland Europe, what Flo calls Britain. Another is on mainland Europe. The last item was said to originate in China, but I don’t know the exact location.”

“Interesting. So it’s possible there are more human bunkers out there waiting to be discovered?”

“It’s entirely possible, yes,” Twilight said with a nod. “Zecora believes they’ve lasted so long due to the undead energy permeating them. After spending so much time around hostile undead spirits, she believes she can actually track large sources of their energy. It’s possible we could use her to pinpoint the locations once we get close enough.”

“That’s super spooky, but kinda cool,” I said. Before we could continue, the cockatrice jumped up into my lap. It was surprising, but after a moment or two, I began petting her. Her body didn’t feel that great against my hands, but she seemed to enjoy it. “Where’s Princess Gilda’s thief, Felix?”

“He’s also been working at the bunker, helping explore the lower levels,” Twilight said.

“Has he been useful?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been on any expeditions with him. I haven’t heard any complaints, though.”

“Then I’ll probably end up hiring him, I guess. It’s a shame about his personality, but if I can put up with Luna, I guess I can put up with him.”

“Is that going to be possible?” Twilight asked. “Isn’t Gilda going to execute him when the expedition is over?”

“No, she promised him freedom in exchange for working with us,” I said. “And if she means to break that promise, then I’ll talk her out of it. Royals can’t go around breaking promises, after all.”

“No one should break promises,” Twilight said.

“True.”

“Oh, and Rainbow Dash is upset with you,” Twilight said. “When Spike and Gilda started telling her stories about the bunker, she demanded to know why she wasn’t invited.”

“I’m sure she’ll probably get over it,” I replied with a shrug.

“Ava says you should consider the feelings of your friends,” Taya said.

“Wait, what? Why are you talking to her?” I asked.

“I wanted to know what a xerox was,” Taya replied with a shrug.

“Is talking to a ghost wise?” Twilight asked.

“Ava’s not an enemy,” I said. “But I’m hesitant to call her a friend because that might make her feel full of herself or get all smug and annoying.”

“She’s offended by that characterization,” Taya said. “And she’s encouraging Rocksy to petrify you.”

“Is she saying petrifying or is she saying stone?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s telling Rocksy to stone you. Is that different from petrify?”

“Stoning someone means to kill them by throwing rocks at them,” I said. “It’s a thing that was popular with her religion a few hundred years before either of us was born. She was just making a pun. Anyway, there’s really nothing I can do for Dashie. It’s not like I can turn back the clock and invite her. Has anyone taken her there yet?”

“Of course,” Twilight said. “Though she wasn’t allowed to go past any of the haunted areas. She was mostly interested in the weather control, of course. She was also really disappointed that we already knocked down the shield. You better do something to make it up to her, Nav.”

“I’m sure I can figure something out,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Flo, Twilight said we found some cultural stuff. Anything interesting?”

“No, nothing you’d want,” Flo said. “They’re all either things you don’t recognize or things you don’t care about. Celestia just wanted to make sure you had the chance to pick through them in case there actually was something you wanted. Since, as you reminded her so pointedly, your expedition was the one that succeeded.”

“I’m a little interested just to see what’s there, but I don’t see any reason to keep a human artifact just because humans made it. I don’t need any old boring junk lying around the house. I’d prefer old cool junk. Zecora did make sure none of it was haunted, right?”

“Yes, we cleared it all,” Twilight said. “From the locations of the artifacts we’ve recovered so far, it seems obvious that the previous explorers didn’t have anything like an elemental to assist them. It really seems strange to me that none of them encountered any of the other iterations of… you.”

“There’s no telling what the other mes got up to,” I said. “Or who their allies could have been. I’m sure some of them had things more fantastical than I do. I’m also pretty sure some of them died horribly shortly after they woke up, assuming Discord didn’t help keep them going. Equestria’s incredibly dangerous in some places, and that’s even with a dictator ruling over it with an iron hoof. I’m sure in the past, conditions were probably worse at times. Speaking of, has anyone found a hint on getting me a soul yet?”

“Unfortunately, souls don’t just grow on trees,” Twilight said. “Instead, they grow in wombs. And since everybody I know of also grew in a womb, there wasn’t really a need to impart a soul on anything before. So I’m sad to say the search is going to take some time.”

A simple no would have sufficed. “The emergency surgery solution seems to be an effective option, at least,” I said. “It’ll be harder to make me look like him if I can just cut off everything that bastard gives me. It’ll really suck to be without an arm or a leg for a while, so we can visit the dragons in Iceland, let me become a fire host, and then push the fire in a volcano. After that, we can chop everything off and it’ll grow back instantly.”

“What do you think about your new extremities, now that you’ve had a few minutes?” Twilight asked.

“I think it might be time to test out the wings. Want to go out back and throw me off the cliff?”

“There are probably safer ways to test it,” Twilight said as we all stood. Lacking any better options, I draped the cockatrice around my shoulders. It hung on, gazing all around us menacingly. To be honest, I kinda wanted to try using it like that in a fight, but that would have to come later.

“What’s wrong with throwing mommy off a cliff?” Taya asked. “That sounds like fun for the whole family!”

“If it works for birds, I guess it’ll work for tree sisters,” Darya said, lifting me up with a small tidal wave. With her as my chariot, we slid out into the cold. Everyone followed us out, all the way to the cliff’s edge.

“Are you really sure this is a good idea?” Twilight asked. “You could literally just try flapping them first. I mean, you did just have surgery!”

“Don’t be a fucking pussy,” I said. “That’s Kat’s job, after all. Darya, toss me!”

“As you command,” she replied with glee. Her body sucked me all the way in and spat me right back out, throwing me clear off the cliff. Thankfully, she held onto Rocksy for me.

Since scaring Twilight was the goal, I decided to let myself fall for a few seconds before actually trying to fly. As soon as my wings flapped once, I slowed down a lot more than I should have, given their weight. I looked over my shoulders and saw that the veins were lighting up as they flapped. At this point, they seemed to work more on magic than logic or physics. With that in mind, I finally pulled out of my plummet and started angling back up.

The first thing I noticed was that flying was now considerably easier. Before, my wings were large and ungainly, which made flapping them a nightmare. They were also in a bad location on my body, so the muscles there really weren’t built for it. Since the new wings didn’t seem to require muscles, that meant I could become a leaf on the wind, hopefully minus a huge spear through the chest.

The second thing I noticed was really more of an addendum to the first: Not only was flying easier, I was also more agile in the air. Smaller wings that I didn’t have to flap as often gave me a very small turn radius. That would make fighting in the air much easier.

And the last thing I noticed is that I still wasn’t all that fast. It couldn’t have all been good news, of course. Since teleporting was still faster than flying, I wasn’t going to complain about the results. Speed has its uses, but my body probably wouldn’t be capable of flying too fast anyway.

By the time I discovered everything I was interested in, it was getting dark. I flew back to the cliff where everyone was still waiting. As soon as I landed, Taya hugged me. “You were so pretty, mommy! Just like a fairy dancing through the air!”

“I’m sure my parents would be so proud,” I said, patting her on the head. “These wings work much better than my previous sets.”

“That’s good, at least,” Twilight said. “I could feel the magic usage from here, though. I could also clearly see it, from the green lines in your wings. You probably won’t be able to fly stealthily anymore. It looked like you were definitely moving around better than before, though.”

“Yep. I’m interested to see if my speed can actually increase, but that’ll have to wait until I’m sure I’m healed. Now I just need a victim to test my tail on.”

“That’s easy enough,” Taya said. “Once I finish up a new seed, you can just—”

“I’m not murdering my filly,” I said.

“It’s still pretty easy,” Darya said. “We can change the density of our bodies to some extent, at least to the point where it would be as hard as a pony. I don’t know if I’ll be able to mimic bones, though.”

“It won’t hurt you, will it?” I asked.

“No. That would require fire or magic.”

“It’s possible my tail is some kind of magical attack,” I said. “I think I’ll wait until the next time I go to the Everfree. If my new wings work more on magic now, I don’t want to risk testing my new tail on an ally. Now, let’s get back inside, out of the cold.” At least the weather was better than when I went into the coma.

Of course, saying something like that meant Kat immediately cuddled up against me. Taya was about to push up against my leg, but graciously allowed Twilight to take her spot instead. Walking back to the house like that was something of a pain, but it was a lot warmer than walking back alone.

The team stationed at the bunker was waiting for us in the sun room, all sitting around tables. To be honest, I was kinda surprised some of them didn’t join us outside, but I guess they were working on self-control.

“Welcome back, my lady,” Watcher said, standing up to bow. The rest of his soldiers followed suit.

“It’s good to be back home,” I replied. “The coma was pretty interesting. I got to see all kinds of things. After we eat, while everyone’s still down here, I have some things to talk about.”

“How are you feeling?” Watcher asked. “Did you get the answers you were looking for?”

“I’m feeling pretty swell, I guess. I can’t say I got all the answers I was looking for, but I learned far more than I was expecting. I’d say it was worth three weeks. If nothing else, it served as a good recap for me. Also, I’ve discovered a new means of communication via water elemental, so I can contact all of you whenever I need. Darya, would you kindly?”

“Who is Darya?” Watcher asked as the new elemental slid forward to embrace him.

“I killed Aqua,” I replied. “Darya is the new elemental. Apparently her name means sea in a human language.” She finished hugging Watcher and slid over to Luna. “She’s giving you just enough water to facilitate communication, instead of actually making you hosts. This way, we can communicate wherever we are.”

“Blaze and I were working on a similar network,” Luna said, but she didn’t make any attempt to avoid Darya as she was hugged. “Instant communication is incredibly valuable. It makes responding to the flow of the battlefield considerably easier.”

“Sure does,” I said. “Especially if the other side doesn’t have it.”

“Should I infect the others as well?” Darya asked, releasing Luna and turning back to me.

“No need to stretch you too thin,” I said. “Besides, the chain of command exists for a reason. Just get Gourd whenever he returns, so I have all my vassals covered. Wasn’t Princess Gilda at the bunker, too? I figured she would have been here with everyone else.”

“She’s been pining for her lost lover for three weeks,” Watcher said. “So obviously, we waited to tell her you were back until we got to the house. As soon as we told her, she flew straight to her room.”

I really hope that means she doesn’t miss me, after all. I’m not holding my breath, though… “Luna, block the door for a moment, so neither of the Gildas can get in or hear us.” Her horn lit up and a barrier appeared over the door. “Alright, I need an out with the princess. I discovered that I slept with her entirely due to Aqua. She set the whole thing up to get Gilda under her influence. Gilda’s way too immature to be my type, even if I do enjoy the noises she makes.” And even if the thought of teasing an innocent princess in public is super hot… “Telling her might be an option, but I’m worried she’ll get angry and my relations with the griffins will suffer. So, what’s the best way to break things off?”

“You really don’t give us any easy tasks, do you?” Watcher asked.

“Maturity is something that can be grown into,” Twilight said. “Getting her while she’s still young means you can teach her to be whatever you want.”

“Well, there’s also another problem with that,” I said. I was getting tired of standing, so I walked over and sat at Luna’s table. “Luna, tell me what you know about the wish granting genie that Nestorats supposedly owns.”

“...I know enough that what you wish for might be possible. However, I also learned that this genie is evil and conniving, and that any wish made contains the risk for great consequences. The wishes have certain rules, but I believe nothing you’d ask for would violate them.”

“And when were you planning on telling me about this genie?” I asked.

“Once I was certain it actually existed. As of now, I am only fairly sure it’s out there. As soon as I was certain, I intended to inform you.”

“Do the descriptions of the genie mention if it had three eyes?” I asked.

“...That does match, yes,” she slowly replied. “Were the memories you witnessed truly that detailed?”

“No, that was a hint from Pinkie Pie,” I said. “Before I left Equestria, she came by my house and told me to look out for the three-eyed genie. Neither of us had any idea what she was talking about, but she’s weird enough that I’m willing to bet it was some kind of prophecy. And if what you said about prophecies is true, this is one fate that we are going to turn into reality.”

“So, a wish granting genie?” Twilight said. “Does that mean you can wish to become male again?”

“That’s what I’m hoping,” I said. “Princess Gilda’s a carpet muncher. It wouldn’t be right to give her hope when I have every intention of trying to turn back.”

“Regardless of how it’s worded, you’ll basically need to tell Gilda it’s off,” Watcher said. “As it is right now, you could blame it on the coma. The longer you put it off, though, the more difficult it will be. If you want to do this, it needs to be done quickly.”

“Man, maybe I should have just married Celestia after all,” I said.

“That’s a very permanent solution for an extremely temporary problem,” Twilight said, huffing just a little. “I understand your reasons for wanting to break things off with Princess Gilda. Why don’t you just tell her that you’ve found a way to become male again and break it off because of that? It’s better than telling her that you just don’t like her personality. Even after three weeks away, she still seems infatuated with you.”

“If sooner is better and I have a plan for what to tell her, think I should bite the bullet and do it now?” I asked.

“What does ‘bite the bullet’ mean?” Luna asked.

“Humanity’s art of war grew faster than its art of medicine,” I said. “Specifically, we developed guns before we developed ways to cure gunshot wounds effectively. A single round fired from a gun is called a bullet, and they’re made of lead. After a battle, wounded soldiers would be told to bite onto a bullet while the medic gets to work on them, to stop them from screaming or biting their tongue off from pain. Apparently bullets were in bigger supply than sticks or leather. What it basically means is to stop putting off an unpleasant task and do it immediately.”

“Then yes, that would probably be best,” Watcher said. “If I had to guess, I’d say she’s upstairs in her room, trying to pretty herself up for you.”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I shrugged Kat off and started walking.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Twilight asked.

“I feel like that might be twisting the knife a little too much. I’ll hold you in reserve, in case she gets angry or too distraught. Just stay down here for now. Darya or Flo can let you know if you’re needed.”

“What does ‘twisting the knife’ mean?” Luna asked. “And why are all human sayings so interesting?”

“When you stab someone and twist the knife inside them, it hurts a lot more and damages them even more internally,” I said. “It basically means to increase the amount of damage something does. In this case, I’m about to deliver bad news to Gilda. I feel like having Twilight there would hurt Gilda more. This is something that’s better done alone.” With that, I left the sun room behind.

As soon as I got into the anteroom, I smelled something amazing. Someone was obviously cooking a lot of meat in the kitchen, presumably Spike, his Gilda, and the naga. Soon their meat would be filling me up, so I ignored it for now and went to the stairs.

I stopped in front of Princess Gilda’s door. Avoiding confrontations like this was usually my standard solution, but I couldn’t let myself stay nonconfrontational forever. A deep breath did nothing at all to calm me, so I just forced myself to knock instead of waiting for what felt like the right moment.

To my surprise, the door opened only a few seconds later. Aurora was on the other side, wearing a gentle smile. It’s kinda hard to tell with the beak, but he conveyed it well. “Yes, my lady?”

“I’d like to speak to the princess. Also, what are you doing here?”

“I am assisting her highness in getting ready. She was hoping to see you afterwards…”

“How long do you think it’ll take?”

“A princess can’t rush these things, my lady.”

“Do I need to ask again?”

“Probably not more than half an hour.”

Just how dirty did she get at the bunker? Or does she really want to impress me that much? Ugh, this is already becoming a pain. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m about to do something unladylike.”

“As an unladylike maid to her unladylike lady, I can’t and won’t judge you.”

“Good. Move.” He curtsied and stepped aside. “Normally they’d make you be a eunuch to do this kind of thing. You lucky dog.” His warm smile became more of a smirk, but he didn’t reply. I finally entered the princess’s room. Aurora left behind me, closing the door.

Of course, it happened to be right as Gilda was walking out of her bathroom, almost completely soaked. “N-Nav?!” It only took her a second to recover, though. “W-well… I did just get out of the shower… Shall we celebrate your joyous return together, Navi?”

“You really cut straight to it, huh?” I said. “Not even a welcome back or a hello?”

“You barged into my room!”

“Fair enough. So, I’m pretty sure I found a way to become male again.” She blinked. “It’ll take me a little while to get it, but if I do, I have every intention of turning back.” I swear to someone, if you say it doesn’t matter and you want me anyway…

“I see. Well, marrying you was always a long shot… I got here late to the race, after all. Anyway, shall we celebrate your joyous return together, Navi?”

“I just told you that I had every intention of turning back.”

“What does that have to do with the lovely lady I see before me right now?” Gilda asked. “Actually… Wait, did your body change? It looks… softer, I guess?”

“Yes, one of the goddesses in the book messed with my body. And right now, are you thinking with your princess head or are you thinking with your lewd birdgina?”

“L-lewd what?!” She looked back at her lower body for a moment before turning forward with a glare. “It’s a lionessgina, thank you very much! I don’t have a cloaca! And it doesn’t matter which I’m thinking with if we don’t get caught. Why do you ask? Did your coma tell you something?”

“The coma told me a lot of things. One of them is that I got addicted to sex again and that I seriously need to cut back. Another is that I really need to either get married to someone with an established power base or I need to establish my own power base. I’m going to start working on the second while considering and shopping around for the first.”

“...Shopping around. You make it sound so debasing.”

“That’s all marriages of power are about,” I said. “I come with knowledge, influence, and a variety of skills, along with a few very useful vassals with invaluable talents. I’m looking for a place where my safety will essentially be guaranteed no matter what. That means leveraging what I have to marry high. Now that I think I have a way to turn back to a guy, I actually feel comfortable considering marriage.”

“Tch, figures,” she muttered, looking away. “So you’re saying you want to cut what we have off, then?”

“I don’t want to, but I know it’s for the best. That said, I can absolutely introduce you to some people who have no idea you’re a princess and would be happy to do things with you.”

“With the coming pageant, that’s unwise,” she said.

“Alright, second option,” I said with a grin. “Twilight knows a spell that can turn you into a pony. Or a changeling. Or human. Or house cat.”

“She’s shown me a few of those,” she said, blushing slightly. “I hadn’t thought to use one as a disguise, but it makes perfect sense. But… Are you sure you’ll cut me off? Truly?” She finally drew closer and smiled. “I’ve been practicing to get better for you…”

Darya, buff my willpower! I don’t know if she actually did anything, but I powered through anyway. “Unfortunately, I’m sure. I enjoyed it while it lasted, but…”

“But a princess can’t be a lesbian,” Gilda said, hanging her head.

“Being a lesbian has less to do with it than sleeping around, I think,” I said. “We’d both probably get in just as much trouble, if not more, if I got caught having sex with you as a guy.”

“Forced marriage would be the best fate waiting for you,” she said. “And I know I threatened it once, but… I have no intention of telling anyone about this. And I have every intention to continue my studies with Twilight. And… you will introduce me to a few of those friends, later.”

“I will,” I said. “Come downstairs when you’re ready. After dinner, I have some things to announce that you’ll want to hear.”

“I shall be down shortly. Would you mind sending Aurora back in? Hm… Do you think she would be willing to comfort her princess?”

“Aurora is dating someone else who works here, so no.” I booped her on the beak and let myself out. My crossdressing maid was on the other side of the door, still smirking. “The princess requests your presence.”

“You know, I wouldn’t mind taking care of her highness’s lewd lionessgina…” he quietly replied.

“Well I mind,” I said. “If you try your luck, I’ll tell her what you’re hiding under that uniform.”

“Of course, my lady,” he replied with a perfect curtsy. I left him there, finally heading back down the four ridiculous flights of stairs.

When I bought this place, it was with the assumption that I could at least fly down the stairs. Being a lady is the worst.

Before I could continue internally complaining, I got swept away by a flood of pink water that quickly became Flo hugging me. She was also slowly ferrying me down the stairs. “You really do feel nicer in my arms now, Navi,” Flo sweetly said. “You know, I have a question for you… Why did you ask Darya for a buff instead of your favorite?”

“I didn’t ask her to, I told her to. If I wanted to ask someone to do something, it would be you. But since she volunteered to be my servant, I was giving her an order. It also served as a test for her adaptability, to see if she was capable of following orders like that.”

“But you don’t even know if she followed it or not,” Flo said.

“Did she?”

“That has nothing to do with the point here,” Flo said. “You blindly trusted in her in your moment of need instead of me!”

“Relationships can’t be built without giving trust,” I said. “I have to start somewhere. Or would you rather I just ignore her request to serve me and just let her talent go fallow?”

“Hm, your mind is so fun to watch,” Flo said, snuggling me slightly tighter. I felt my arms slip inside of her and she clamped them in place. “It works so quickly to come up with excuse after excuse!”

“...I missed you too, Flo,” I said, trying not to sound nervous. “But isn’t this a little too much?”

“I learned things from your coma, too,” Flo said, leaning in to kiss my nose. “I learned that no one but me can be trusted with you, Navi.”

“Well, you made that sound ominous as shit. Darya is brand new. We don’t know if she can or can’t be trusted with me. It would also help a little if she’d speak up to defend herself.”

“Sorry, I was having fun just listening in,” Darya replied in my head. “I have no intentions of mishandling Navarone. I’ve seen the things that happen to those who do. I also have no intentions of usurping Flo’s place. I do not need the title of favorite. Being useful is enough. Outside of willpower, I can temporarily buff your endurance, dexterity, perception, and overall combat abilities. Aqua was quite the warmonger in her younger days, if you can believe it.”

Much better than being able to play a piano, that’s for sure. The hug got tighter and this time my legs were sucked in.

Flo giggled and said, “I heard that, Navi!”

“It’s extremely unfair that you can hold things I think against me. I can’t help that I’m internally ungrateful.”

“I’m not holding it against you, silly,” Flo said. “I’m holding you against me!”

“Well, we’re downstairs now, so you can let go.”

“As you wish.” She slid away, making sure I safely returned to my feet. “There will be all the time in the world to snuggle in your dreams!”

I thought several unpleasant things. Instead of commenting on any of them, she wrapped her arm around mine and led me into the sun room.

“So how’d it go?” Taya asked as soon as she saw me. The grin on her face was a little unwarranted, in my opinion.

“Better than expected. I now have one fewer royal plaything, and I didn’t even have to deal with any tears.” With Flo guiding my steps, I didn’t get to choose a seat. She planted me down between my filly and Kat. The table also contained Luna, Watcher, and Twilight.

“It’s such a surprise to hear you say that fewer royal playthings is better than you were expecting,” Watcher said. “I thought you liked bragging about how many you’ve slept with.”

“Yeah, but that was kinda rude,” I said. “And unwise for a variety of reasons. I got to see a lot of scary catfights in that coma, some of which involved royalty.” Luna looked away, rubbing the back of her neck. “My life will be easier and safer if I stop most of my lecherous ways. You know, assuming the others actually let me stop.”

“...So who all is making the cut?” Twilight slowly asked.

“I hope to have that completely determined by the time we find the genie,” I said. “Gilda was the only one I was in a hurry to get rid of, because that started entirely on false pretenses.”

“Then it’s time to start competing in earnest,” Twilight said with a nod. Her horn lit up and she used magic to swap places with Kat. My kitty glared at her, but was smart enough not to say anything. “I’ll make sure to welcome you back properly tonight, Nav!”

“I’m pretty sure I got addicted to sex again. I don’t know how often I should scratch that particular itch.”

“It’s been three weeks, right?” Twilight said. “I think that’s long enough for a reward night…”

“It might be. For now, I need an energy boost. The dark is starting to get to me.” Twilight’s horn lit up and poked me. “Your delicious purpleness is rejuvenating my weary bones.” For some reason, that made her blush.

“...Delicious purpleness?” Kat asked, sounding a little bit disgusted.

“Right, I forgot you guys don’t see magic auras. I guess that wouldn’t make sense. Whenever unicorns use magic, their horns light up a certain color. Twilight’s is purple. The things their magic affects also glow that color. So when she uses magic on me, I get covered in a purple aura.”

“Does it actually taste good?” Taya asked.

“No, it doesn’t taste or feel like anything. It’s entirely visual and it usually matches a unicorn’s coat color.”

“Is mine pink?” Watcher asked.

“Of course it is,” I said. “I wondered why at first, until you told me you were originally pink. It’s not as bright a pink as Shining Armor’s, though. Speaking of, Luna, is it a problem that these guys still look like night guards despite not being on Celestia’s payroll?”

“It’s not my problem,” she replied with a shrug. “And if Celestia hasn’t complained about it, I doubt it’s something she cares about, either.”

“The new Princess Celestia seems too mellow to care about something like that,” Watcher said. “And the old Princess Celestia was too high-strung to pay attention to unimportant details like that. There’s nothing wrong with us keeping these colors.”

“Suuuure, uh huh,” I said, squinting my eyes at him. He nonchalantly stared back.

“When are you going to inform my sister of your return?” Luna asked.

“About an hour ago,” I said. “She stopped everything she was doing to come give me a hug. It was very unprincessly of her.”

“Perhaps, but it certainly seems like something she would do,” Luna said. “We’ll need to find a way to keep her busy so she doesn’t get her hooves into all of our business.”

“It’s too late for that,” I said. “She already has. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I’m still somewhat wary of her.”

“Is our long-term plan to stay in Equestria?” Watcher asked.

“That depends on a few factors,” I said. “I wouldn’t mind establishing a nation of my own in Tartarus, if the local races are willing to support me. Everyone knows the best move when it comes to global conquest is to hole up in Australia.”

“Your own nation?” Twilight said. “I thought you didn’t want to be a queen. Or king, I guess.”

“I don’t want to be forced to be a super prissy and lovey-dovey queen. I wouldn’t mind leading a federation as a dictator of sorts, though. But again, that depends on a lot of factors and I highly doubt it’ll work out. If it doesn’t, where I go will probably depend on who I marry. That said, Equestria is still going to remain one of the more dominant world powers going forward, purely due to how much territory they control. That means I’ll always have a reason to come back.”

“Can’t we just subjugate Tartarus and take it by force?” Luna asked. “Then it wouldn’t matter if the locals supported you.”

“If I have to rule with fear and hate, I’d rather not bother taking it in the first place. From the visions I saw in the coma, I know there are fortified cities inside Tartarus, along with roads that connect them. There seem to be defense contracts between the cities to fight back against the demons. I can’t rule over a place with a pre-existing society with fear, not and expect anything good to come from it.”

“Did the coma really show you into Tartarus itself?” Twilight asked.

“A little. It showed me a vision of the alphyn I worked with to take down Trixie. Apparently Grogar the lich is also in Tartarus, and has a huge bounty for information about humans. Since I happen to have a lot of that, hopefully getting his support will be easy. Luna, could you take him in a straight up fight?”

“Me versus him, no problem at all,” Luna said. “But add in an undead horde and things get more difficult. Most necromantic spells focus on debuffing your enemies, raising the dead, and buffing your strongest pawns. If we have to fight him in his home base, it’ll be a nightmarish quagmire. We’ll win, but we will take losses. And the worst part is that he wouldn’t even die. He keeps his soul tethered to a place that’s impossible for the living to get to, so he’d eventually be able to create a new body.”

“Then let’s hope it doesn’t come to a fight,” I said.

“If he wants information about humans, what makes you think he won’t just want humans?” Twilight asked. “How do we know he won’t try to dissect you?”

“Obviously we don’t meet him without discovering his intentions first. We’ll do recon around Tartarus to determine if talking to him is safe. If I’m still in doubt, I can send a few vassals in to negotiate with him directly.”

“Not it,” Watcher immediately said.

“Well, I’ll also be at the head of an Equestrian army when I do go to meet him, so that’ll be something he has to consider,” I said. “I know he doesn’t care about making enemies with the living, but pursuing his own goals would be easier without the biggest country in the world gunning for him. Judging by what we saw in Athena’s book, he seems pretty reasonable. I’m confident we can make a deal with him. With luck, part of that deal can be a soul, or information on how to get one. If anyone out there would have info on souls, it would be the person who’s capable of taking his own out.”

“Could you really trust a soul that he gives you?” Twilight asked.

“I’d rather be turned into an undead monstrosity than become Discord’s wife,” I replied with a shrug. “Any soul is better than no soul, as far as I’m concerned. If whatever Grogar gives me is corrupt, I’m sure we can find a way to cleanse it later.”

As we were talking, I heard the sound of scaled feet. It was followed by the smell of cooked meat. Moments later, there were plates in front of me. “I hope you’re ready to feel my meat inside of you,” Spike said.

Before I could reply with some of my own dirty puns, I felt a very strong grip on my shoulder. I glanced over and realized Flo was staring me down with an eerie smile on her face, as if she was just daring me. Instead of giving in to my urges, I decided to take the lessons learned from the coma to say, “Thanks for cooking, Spike. Are you going to be joining us?”

He seemed a little disappointed that I didn’t play along, but noticed the hand digging into my shoulder and decided to give up. “Once everything else is out, yeah. I’ll be back soon.” Flo released me as Spike went back to the kitchen.

“...Spike better not put his meat anywhere near you,” Twilight said when she was sure he was gone. “If you give him any ideas, I’ll punish you!”

“I’ve already told him that it’s not happening,” I said. Of course, that was just a few minutes ago. And it was also after his meat had already been in me. But she definitely didn’t need to know any of that, of course. “That said, I’ll still happily let him cook for me. I do enjoy the taste of his—” Flo’s arm returned, with a vengeance. “What’s wrong with puns, Flo?! Why do you hate fun?”

“You went through a three week long coma to correct undesirable habits,” Flo said. “I just want to ensure that time wasn’t wasted. After all, pun-making is the most undesirable trait one could have.”

“It’s tied too deeply into my cynicism and sarcasm,” I said. “Without my soul, those things are basically my core! You can’t just get rid of it!”

“Wait, your core is cynicism, sarcasm, and puns?” Twilight asked. “I feel like that explains a lot of things.”

“Yeah, that kinda sums her up,” Taya said. “It really does make complete sense.”

“Is that why you hate Equestria so much?” Luna asked. “Because all the names of our cities are particularly awful puns of human city names? If one of the three pillars of my core was insulted so, I would likely hate the cause as well!”

“Didn’t you have a hoof in naming some of those cities?” Watcher asked.

“Yes, but I didn’t realize the names I was making were puns on the original human names,” Luna said. “It took a history lesson from Flo and Athena, plus information on hauntings from Zecora, to realize that. Didn’t you find it so strange how everything so closely mirrored your own time?”

“I did,” I said. “But without what Zecora told me, there’s no way I ever would have figured out the root cause. Did you feel anything at the time when you were naming the cities? Anything like an outside influence?”

“No. It never occurred to me to watch out for it. Who could have expected the dead to so greatly influence the living?”

“Fair enough. Anyway, the point is, you’ll pry my puns from my cold, dead hands. But don’t get comfortable, because I’ll be coming back for them as soon as I wake up.”

“If you say that too much, it loses its effect,” Flo replied. “And surely I’m not the only one who agrees. We could use this opportunity as an intervention. Everyone, let’s work together to get Nav to give up on puns!”

“I order my vassals not to do that,” I replied, crossing my arms. “And since my eternafilly and the mare who proclaims herself the best for me prefer me as I am, you have no power here.”

“I guess you’re practicing your dictator skills?” Watcher asked.

“If I don’t take a stand for the things that matter, then what kind of lady am I?” I sweetly asked.

“So puns are the hill you’re choosing to die on?” Kat asked. “I can’t say it’s the most noble of choices, but I will support my lady in all her endeavors.”

“I’m not choosing to die,” I said. “I’m choosing to fight. And since the vote is clearly in my favor, I’m declaring myself the victor. That said, I will try to limit the naughty ones, especially in public.”

“...It’s a start, I suppose,” Flo said with a sigh.

“Some of them are pretty bad, though,” Twilight said. “I’ve had to restrain myself from shaking you around a few times.”

“That’s just one of the many sacrifices we have to make to deal with mommy,” Taya said. “Think less about how annoying she can be and more about how fun she can be.”

“That’s the right way of looking at it,” I said with a nod. “I should be treasured, right?”

“Absolutely,” Spike said, joining us with even more plates. “You’re the best treasure of all. That’s why the crazy dragoness claimed you, right? She saw your value immediately.”

“Don’t you start flirting with my human!” Twilight quickly said.

“Then you should flirt with her more, so I don’t have time to,” Spike said, booping her. With that, he took a seat on the far side of the table. His Gilda joined him, almost filling the table up.

“Then I’ll take the chance to feed her tonight!” Twilight replied, using magic to grab a fork.

“Not in front of Princess Gilda you won’t,” I said. “That would just be rude. But since Aurora said it would probably take her about fifteen to twenty minutes to get ready, I don’t see any reason to wait for her…”

“Then I’ll stop when she arrives,” Twiggles said, cutting into the thick steak in front of me with magic. I don’t know what kind of animal it was from, but it tasted pretty swanky when Twilight fed it to me. “...I didn’t think you’d actually let me do that.”

“I’d hate to betray your expectations. I guess that means I should stop…” Her horn lit up slightly brighter and three more bites lined up in the air before me. She kept the juices in place with magic. Getting fed really wasn’t something I wanted, but fighting it would be more time and effort than it was worth. I guess that was her way of treasuring me, or something.

“It’s definitely good,” I said. “It’s worth being my first meal in three weeks.”

“His meat better fill you up in all the right ways,” original Gilda said. “Doppel and I had to put up with his whining from wearing that fluffy pink apron.”

“...Why did you have a fluffy pink apron for him?” I slowly asked.

“It was another gift from one of your lovers,” Kat said. “I think the goal was for you to wake them up with breakfast in bed while wearing only the apron.”

“Oh.” I left it at that, deciding it best not to probe more. Besides, talking was hard when a mare was trying to choke you with her meat.

Dinner ended up being a pretty lively ordeal. Princess Gilda was spared from seeing Twilight feed me, but she still complained about us not waiting for her. Since it was her fault for being slow, I didn’t let it bother me much. Almost everyone was also disturbed by how much meat Luna ate. Disturbing was her normal mode, though, so I wasn’t too concerned.

When everyone was satiated and all the people in the house were congregated, I walked up to the front of the room, opposite the windows. “So, as you can all see, I am now out of the coma. I saw a bunch of stuff and I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about some things. Some of what I say may be shocking, but given the nature of our work, I figure you’ll get over it quickly. To cut straight to the most shocking part, apparently I’ve been unconsciously and unknowingly drugging or brainwashing everyone into liking me.” That got a few grunts and raised eyebrows. “It’s a slow, gradual effect that hits people depending on how powerful they are. Those like royalty get hit harder than others and the urge to like instead becomes the urge to own.”

“What are you saying, exactly?” Princess Gilda asked, eyes wide.

“Athena explained it to me the day I entered the coma and over the course of it, I saw enough evidence that made me think she was telling the truth,” I said. “I am a human, or at least a derivative of one. You all are half fae, which are magical beings, and half animal, which are physical beings. The fae part of you wants to be around humans. The animal part of you adds hormones to the mix, which wildly changes the nature of how you act around humans. According to Athena, this is basically just… how things work. Since all of you are part fae, you’re naturally drawn to me. And the stronger you are, the more you feel the need to make me yours.”

“That’s… preposterous…” Luna whispered, sinking down into her chair.

“Yeah, it’s not the greatest,” I said. “So we need to find a way to get rid of the effect.”

“Celestia also confirmed it,” Twilight said. “She noticed it by herself, but wasn’t sure until after being turned into Newlestia.”

“Are you sure you aren’t just using this as an excuse?” Princess Gilda asked. “You’ve slept with a lot of royalty. Is this your way of getting out of it all without any consequences?”

“No, I’ll admit to being a slut. But a good chunk of the times I’ve slept with royals have been initiated by the royals, as I’m sure you’re well aware. Think back to your brother. He invited me to join the royal harem less than ten minutes after meeting me. Don’t you think that’s strange?”

“No, not at all,” Princess Gilda replied. “You’re beautiful, intelligent, and can revolutionize any country you want at any time you want. Obviously that’s something any royal would want, disregarding this mysterious effect you supposedly have.”

“...Nav’s telling the truth,” Luna slowly said. “Oh, how I hate that it’s true… How could I have lost myself so heavily to it?!”

Because you’re insane and have basically no sense of morality? “As I said, the more powerful you are, the stronger it affects you. I don’t think this refers just to magic power, which means other royalty like Gilda and strong fighters like Kat and the naga were also probably influenced by it. Obviously, this is a bad thing. You magicky types need to start working on fixing it.”

“Why do you assume it’s something magical?” Taya asked.

“I’m not assuming it’s caused by something magical. I’m just assuming we can use magic to fix it regardless.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” Twilight said. “And even if not, magic might be able to give us some way to measure it. The only problem is, how can we tell if Nav is still human enough for it to apply? Or do you think Athena and Hera would be able to tell us?”

“That’s something one of you magicky types will have to ask, I’d say,” I replied. “Even if I could understand what she told me, I wouldn’t be able to put it into practice until I get a soul. Magic requires one of those, sadly.”

“...But it is possible that this effect is already gone, right?” Princess Gilda asked. “It could have disappeared ages ago, right?”

“I mean, maybe, but my guess is that it’s still there. Or that if it is gone, it was only after I got out of the coma and was more tree than human. It’s okay, Gilda. You don’t have to feel bad for falling for my irresistible human charms. It also happened to affect all the female royalty in Equestria, plus Moonbeam. And for all I know, the real reason Blueblood hated me is because he was secretly attracted to me and was angry that I made him gay.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Luna said. “He almost definitely hated you because you nearly murdered him at a party and got away with no repercussions. Before that, he was just angry.”

“Well, he’s dead, so we’ll have to agree to disagree. The point is, whatever this pull is, it’s caused me no end of suffering. I wanted to make everyone aware of it so you can start watching out for it. If you ever get the urge to either own, molest, get close to, or otherwise bother me, it might just be because I’m human. If you realize that applies to you, please rethink your actions.”

“I don’t think any of us feel that way because of the pull anymore,” Twilight said. “I think we want to be close to you because we enjoy spending time with you, not because we’re being influenced or drugged. I mean, that’s probably the only reason some of us here gave you the time of day originally, but that’s not the case anymore!”

“Well, it’s still something to keep in the back of your mind,” I said. “Let’s move on to the second thing I wanted to talk about. Long story short, when I got to this world, I was too busy being angry that my old life was over that I never really focused on the new one I was given. After going through the coma and seeing what happened in the background of my life, I realized that spending the rest of my life angrily reacting instead of intelligently acting was a bad idea. I’ve spent too long sitting on money-making ideas and things that could possibly change this society for the better. I’m going to start working to shape society. After all, if I’m going to be living in it for a while, I might as well make it a better place.”

“That’s kinda broad,” Twilight said.

“Magitech will be a good chunk of it,” I said. “But that will also include interesting ways of applying magitech. With luck, it means I can get a bunch of businesses going. Accruing wealth will be another way for me to build power over time. Money plus businesses will give me influence wherever I go. Basically, I intend to get busy soon. If any of you have skills outside of killing, let me know later. Now that Celestia’s on our side, it’s less important for all of us to fight. We can just get her army to fight for us.”

“Can we kill freelance-style and give you the money we make?” Kat asked.

“No, I’m not going to form an assassin’s guild in Canterlot,” I said. “I intend to stay above the law.”

“What about your soul gem harvesting idea?” Watcher asked.

“Those soul gems will be made in changeling territory, and I got permission from their queen,” I said. “As far as I’m concerned, that makes it legal. We’ll also be using those to fuel our war in Tartarus, not as a business venture.”

“Wonderful excuse,” Flo said with a wide grin.

“Thanks, I’m good at them. The third thing I want to say is part of an addendum to the second. Since I spent most of my time being angry at the world, that meant I wasn’t usually pleasant to be around. I’m going to work on changing that, though I can’t promise how well it’ll work. We just recently discovered that the core of my being is cynicism, sarcasm, and puns, so I’ll probably be a scumbag until I can get a soul, but I’m gonna do my best to change.”

“Wasn’t the point of the coma to make you change?” Spike asked.

“No, apparently it was just supposed to show me why I needed to. That said, if I wasn’t as emotionally dead inside as I am, the things I saw would have changed me considerably. As it was, I got pretty upset at a lot of the memories, but none of them truly changed me.”

“Yeah, some were kinda brutal,” Taya said. “But apparently I missed a lot of the good ones with Celestia and Luna!”

“Another fun point is that Taya is going to work on being less terrifying,” I said. “I knew some people were afraid of her, but neither of us had any idea that the number one rule on the ship was to avoid her.” Everyone suddenly wanted to avert their gazes. “That’s okay. She understands that she’s supposed to be a good little eternafilly. She’ll be taking young lady courses soon.”

“I’ll be the perfect, least scary filly ever!” Taya said. “And then when you’re all finally fooled, I’ll get my revenge.”

“...Are you sure you’re trying to be less scary?” one of the more suicidal guards asked.

“My revenge will be with snuggles, of course,” Taya said. “And a camera, for blackmail material. You know, maybe. Or maybe not. Because I’m scary, right?!”

“It’s a work in progress,” I said with a shrug. “If she does something scary, please let her know. Having a predator as a parent has warped her sensibilities a little.”

“Oh sure, that’s the reason,” Princess Gilda muttered. I did the adult thing and ignored her, obviously. Taya did the filly thing and stuck her tongue out at the princess.

“And that’s really the last thing I wanted to say,” I said, looking around the room. “I’m going to start working on becoming better. It’s the responsibility of everyone here minus Flo to help me in that endeavor.”

“Why not me?!” Flo demanded.

“Because you hate puns and I don’t want to be led down the wrong path.” She sighed and face palmed. “With that, I think I’m heading upstairs to go to bed. Luna and Kat, I’d like to talk to you in the morning, so don’t head out to the bunker immediately.”

“What about the rest of us?” Spike asked.

“I wouldn’t mind talking to the rest of you more tomorrow as well. But it’s already past dark, so I don’t want to stay up too much later. My plant-like body demands rest.”

“We’ll have our meals before the sun sets, from now on,” Doppel said with a smile.

“Good. And goodnight to all of you. It’s good to see everyone again and to finally be awake.”

“I’ll tuck you in,” Flo said, surging forward. I’m sure more people wanted to bother me before I could leave, but Flo carried me out of the room with a large wave. “I had a feeling you would have been there all night if something wasn’t done.”

“Probably,” I said. “But couldn’t you have used Taya to teleport me upstairs instead?”

“Yes, but then I wouldn’t get to tuck you in!”

“Is that really necessary?” I asked.

“Unless you wanted Kat, Doppel, Princess Gilda, and Twilight to all volunteer one after another, yes. This way, Twilight can join you surreptitiously. Or if you’d prefer, I can do the job instead and put you to sleep after!”

“I’ll be fine waiting,” I said. “If she doesn’t show, that would be fine, too.”

We finally got to my room. She barged in like she owned the place, used tendrils to strip the dress right off me, and tossed me onto the bed. By the time I could bounce, she was already back on me. One of her hands gripped my mouth and I felt some water gush in, surrounding all my teeth. It swished around a few times before her hand pulled away. “And now your teeth are clean. They’ll lack a minty scent, though.”

“That’s acceptable. But… I could have just brushed them.”

“I enjoy taking care of you,” Flo said, carefully pulling the blanket up around me. “I assumed you would be more receptive to it, if you’re allowing Twilight to feed you. Especially after all those awful things you saw in the coma…”

“If I start letting everyone do everything for me, I’ll either end up a layabout or like Hera.”

“I’ll be sure to restrict it to when we’re alone, of course,” Flo said, booping me on the nose. “Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?”

“No. I’ll relax for a bit on the energy I have left over and if Twilight doesn’t show up, I’ll just have one of you put me to sleep.”

“...Fine. I’ll just play you one on the piano, then.”

Please don’t. “If you want, I guess.”

“Maybe three or four, then. Goodnight, Navi!” She slid out the door, giggling at all the mean things I was thinking. Hopefully I wouldn’t be able to hear it with the door closed, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

Of course I could. She began playing seconds after leaving my room, so she probably didn’t even bother using the staircase.

For better or worse, Twilight quickly arrived to… distract me. As if I wasn’t sure before, that was enough for me to be positive that I was finally out of the coma. Since I had those thoughts right as I was finally falling asleep, they didn’t really mean all that much.

Still, my first day back felt like it went pretty well.

Chapter Two Hundred and One

Chapter Two Hundred and One

Sleep proved to be no rest. As soon as I closed my eyes, I found myself in Flo’s sanctuary. She was standing before me, lit up a light pink. “Hello again, Navi,” she sweetly said.

“Howdy. Can you please tone down the creepiness a little? It’s a little bit stressful, to be honest.”

“I know,” she said with a sigh. “I’ll try to contain myself, but it’s hard sometimes… I think I got the worst of it out of my system for now, though.”

“Good. Think I should go around to everyone’s dreams and tell them I’m awake?”

“I think it will be a little while before others go to bed. We have plenty of time to talk, just the two of us!”

“Three of us, technically,” I said. “Shouldn’t we invite—”

“Just the two of us!” Flo repeated, her smile deepening slightly. “So, shall we talk about your problems, my little tree sister? I’d be quite happy to help you work through them!”

And so my unwanted therapy sessions with Flo began in earnest. It sucked, but it was a mess that I had gotten myself into. To be honest, it was also probably for the best, but I didn’t enjoy it.

Well after I had gotten tired of talking about my feelings, Flo stopped and looked up. “Someone’s knocking,” she said. “I believe it is… Luna.”

“Let her in,” I said. Luna instantly appeared before us. “Welcome to Flo’s glade.”

“It is much more comfortable here, now that I am not being attacked,” Luna said, looking around for a moment. “You said you wished to speak to me, my lady. I thought to expedite the discussion. Is that acceptable?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said. “So, were you the one who sent Kat to kill Princess Gilda?”

“Yes.”

“Did you send other assassins?”

“The assassin’s guild I contracted through had an insurance policy of sorts that if their first failed, they’d send a second and third. No more than that.”

“Did you poison Bloodbeak, the griffin king?”

“No, but I strongly considered it. He just happened to get ill.”

“So, why did you send assassins after Gilda?”

“To get back at her for flaunting you about the Gala, of course. At the time, you were mine to flaunt about.”

Right, of course. “Blaze, you there?”

He appeared next to Luna a moment later. “I am,” he said. “How was your coma?”

“Not as restful as I would have liked, unfortunately. So, you’re Luna’s elemental. Has she granted you full access to her mind?”

“She has,” Blaze said. “It’s quite the intriguing place.”

“Would you agree that the word insane is a good descriptor for her?”

“Oh, undoubtedly,” Blaze said with no hesitation. Luna smiled proudly. “That’s what makes it so intriguing! There’s very little that could be classified as normal in here. She’s a perfect monster! And the best part is that she loves it!”

“How hard would it be to fix?” I asked.

“...Why would anyone go and do a thing like that?” Blaze slowly asked. “Luna is who she is because of the life she’s had. Forcibly changing her is just throwing all that away.”

“I can kinda understand that perspective, but on the other hand, she’s blatantly evil, has an incredible amount of power and talents, and feels nothing at all about ordering assassinations of important royalty. Can you take responsibility for that?”

“Yes, I volunteered to be her babysitter,” Blaze said. “I wasn’t entirely sure what I was signing up for, but I had a general idea. It turns out I completely underestimated the damage and power I was dealing with, but the two of us agreed to work together to keep her pointed only toward your enemies.”

“Hm… Flo, what do you think?”

“I do agree that mentally reconditioning someone should be a last resort,” Flo replied. “I am confident that Blaze can keep her reined in. I fear that will do little for her creepiness, though. Or the fact that she’s sitting there while we have a conversation like this, discussing the fate of her mind, while not saying a thing of her own.”

“My lady has not asked for my input,” Luna said with a shrug.

“I saw a lot of memories of you,” I said. “Some of them involved just you, some involved both you and Celestia. I’m sure you can imagine how those memories made me feel.”

“Afraid, disturbed, and like an object?” Luna innocently asked.

“Those three were definitely there, along with disgust and a few other things,” I said. “I guess I won’t force your insanity to change, but I am ordering you to take counseling. Talking about your problems is supposedly good for you, or something. Once a week or so, become a temporary host to Flo and complain about your life to her at night, while you’re sleeping.”

“...As you demand,” Luna slowly said, her ears twitching a little. “Was I… truly so unappealing? Was there at least some part of you that felt happy someone yearned for you so?”

“I was mostly confused and afraid,” I said. “There certainly was a part of me that enjoyed the attention, but it was overshadowed by the anxiety I felt. My first thought was that it had to be some kind of honey trap. Later, after I realized your feelings were probably real, I was confused as to why and shocked. I was terrified of the thought of turning down a princess, so I felt pressured into going with it. Although I was also afraid of dating or marrying a princess, so it was an all around unpleasant scenario for me.”

“...Oh. Were your worries mostly about dating a princess? Or were they about dating… me?”

“Both, but for a while it was just fear of romancing royalty. It sounded like a huge hassle and something I didn’t want to deal with. Especially since, for the longest time, I didn’t really see ponies in a romantic sense. Baiting me in with the spell to turn into a human was probably the only reason the two of you got me. You can thank Oldlestia for that one, I suppose. Eventually, you started doing things that actually worried and scared me. Finally, the fear of dating you overwhelmed the fear of breaking things off with royalty. I think you know when that was.”

“I will accept any punishment you deem necessary.”

“I see no reason to punish you for something that resulted from my own cowardice,” I replied. “I should have just refused you from the start. Instead, I let myself get pressured. It will serve as a lesson for me.”

“...As you desire,” Luna slowly said, bowing her head. “Is there a reason Twilight was granted access to the dream artifact?”

“I wanted her to help study it since it’s a human artifact. Speaking of, where is it? Do you know if it’s well protected?”

“The last I knew, it was in a trapped room in my quarters at the palace. But for Twilight to have gotten access, the trap must have been disabled.”

“I circumvented it with my ring,” I said. “Hopefully Celestia has that thing under heavy guard. I’ll talk to her about it. I don’t think there’s anything else in particular I needed to talk to you about. I guess be more subtle about your insanity, if possible. Most people find it off-putting.”

“I’m not sure I know how,” Luna said.

“That’s where I come in,” Blaze said, patting her on the head. “I’ll put your natural creepiness to good use! Don’t worry, Nav. The only ones she’ll put to flames are your enemies.”

“Alright, I’ll trust you,” I said with a nod. “Then yeah, I have nothing more to discuss.”

“You don’t want to talk about any specific things you saw?” Luna asked.

“Yelling at you probably won’t make me feel better. You and Celestia were both responsible for some of the worst experiences of my life. Hating you should be easy, but Celestia’s dead and try as I might, I can’t hate someone as broken as you. I guess I’ll say one thing, in reference to one of the memories I saw. Celestia was really mean to you, worse than anyone ever should be to someone else. Your life isn’t entirely your fault, Luna. That said, you need to learn to think ahead in everything you do, not just in combat.”

“What’s the point in serving someone if I’m thinking for myself?” Luna asked, tilting her head slightly.

“What if the orders I give you are wrong or could be done in a better way?”

“That isn’t something I need to worry about, especially not with a lady as wonderful as you!”

I have to be firm with these half-fae children. If they can’t understand, I’ll make them obey anyway. “...I don’t remember asking for your opinion, Luna,” I slowly said. “I remember giving you an order. Learn to think ahead in everything you do. Understood?”

“Of course, my lady,” she immediately replied, bowing her head.

“Blaze, help her. She might not understand the general concept.”

“I’ve been working on it,” he said. “Her mind works so beautifully in combat, but everywhere else… Sheesh.”

“Forgive my incompetence, my lady,” Luna quietly said. “I will accept whatever punishment you deem necessary.”

“Do you want to be punished?” I asked.

“I want my lady to feel comfortable with her servant,” she replied. “And if my actions make you uncomfortable, isn’t it only logical that I be punished for them? I merely mention it out of respect for my wonderful lady.”

“I have no idea what kind of punishment would be effective against someone like you,” I said. “The obvious thing of riding you around in public to humiliate your ex-princess pride wouldn’t work because you’d probably enjoy being your lady’s mount. Spanking you would send the wrong kind of message. I’m already not paying you, so I can’t dock your pay. The best way to punish you would probably be to order you not to see me for a while if I had to guess.”

“Anything but that, my lady!” she yelled, her eyes going wide. “You just got back! I only had a few scant minutes to bask in your glory!”

The worst part is that she’s probably serious. “You’re aware that what you’re feeling is the pull, right?” I asked.

“The pull matters not,” Luna said. “Perhaps it once ensnared me. But now, I enjoy spending time with you, my lady. I want to do so of my own volition, not because of some mysterious pull. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say that effect probably vanished some time ago. At this point, what holds us all together is just… you.”

“Don’t be a silly filly,” I said, booping her on the nose. “You know, I figured people would be more angry about this. Not necessarily at me, since I wasn’t doing it on purpose, but at the overall situation. I know I was pretty pissed when I began understanding what it meant.”

“Of course I’m angry,” Luna calmly said. “But what use is there in showing it? As you said, it wasn’t your fault. We… I should have had better self-control. Something may have been influencing our minds, but our actions were still our own. You are not responsible for what’s happened to you, Nav. We are. Unfortunately, it’s something I realized far too late. If punishment is required—”

“It’s not,” I said. “Actually… Blaze, what’s the optimal punishment?”

“Tickle torture,” he immediately replied. Luna’s face lit up bright red. “She’d probably even pee herself after a few minutes.”

“Gross. I’ll keep it in mind, though. Be wary of asking for punishment, Luna. If you keep it up, I might just grant it.”

“...I will be more wary of avoiding your ire in the future, my lady,” she slowly said.

“You shouldn’t require the threat of punishment to not want to anger your lady,” Flo said.

“It was the only way we could get Nav to obey,” Luna said. “I assumed that was how human master-servant relationships had to work.”

“You volunteered to be my vassal,” I said. “I begged you and Celestia not to make me a knight. Are you actually surprised I was unhappy about it?”

“At the time, yes,” Luna replied. “It meant we could be together, after all. It took me quite some time to realize why that upset you.”

Be less spooky, then. “In one of the memories I saw, you and Celestia were discussing your past… relationships, if you can call them that. Were you really the cause of the restraining order in Equestrian law?”

“I did mares everywhere a favor, yes,” Luna replied, nodding.

“In what way did you cause restraining orders to be formed?” I asked.

“I was allegedly stalking and harassing a very hoofsome pony.”

“How long did you stalk him?” Flo asked.

“I allegedly stalked him for about a decade,” Luna replied with a shrug. “For some reason, he never seemed to understand who he belonged to, no matter how many other hussies I scared… er, allegedly scared away from him…”

“Is that all you did to him?” I asked.

“He allegedly also had many dreams of me,” Luna said. “He had to change his sheets every morning. You know, allegedly…”

“I want to meet that guy,” I said. “Anyone who can take that for ten years and not break is impressive.”

“You can’t, unfortunately,” Luna said with a sigh. “Celestia purged all the toys I captured after sending me to the moon… I even went through all the trouble of making them immortal! Most of them weren’t even grateful! They’d just whine about their families when I wasn’t around and then do nothing but scream when they saw me!”

“So, what, you just broke the rules of the restraining order to kidnap him?” I asked.

“No, I just had someone else turn him into a soul gem. From there, I turned what was left of his original body into a powerful undead monster. Then it was simply a matter of infusing his soul into it! Since the restraining order was only in effect while he was alive, I didn’t have to worry about that silly thing anymore. And since he was an undead monstrosity, his only choice was to stay with me! Not that there was any chance of him escaping at that point…” How is having him murdered and turning him into an undead monster better than just violating the restraining order?

“...Were you going to do something similar to me?” I quietly asked.

“Hm? You didn’t have a restraining order. And I don’t think tree sisters can become undead. And if they can become undead, they’d probably rival me and my sister in power. I wouldn’t do something that dangerous. The thought of playing with your clones over and over was quite delightful, though…”

I have a serious feeling that she’d probably accidentally kill me a few times during sex. Or maybe it would be on purpose. “Blaze, what did you say about keeping her creepiness limited to my enemies?”

“I thought you hated yourself, though,” he replied. “Doesn’t that make you your own worst enemy? Besides, you were the one asking her questions. Maybe you shouldn’t ask if you can’t handle the answers.”

Why are you two even still here? I told you I didn’t have anything left to say to you more than a page ago, dammit! “Whatever. I intend to get at least a little real sleep tonight. Luna, you’re dismissed.”

“Would you like me to create the ideal dream for you, my lady?” Luna sweetly asked. “I’ve gotten plenty of practice creating paradises!”

“I’m good, thanks,” I said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Very well…” she said, sighing. “Good night, my lady…” With that, the two of them vanished.

“Man, what the fuck,” I said. “I feel sorry for those poor guys…”

“I could have gone without hearing it,” Darya said from all around us. “Even though I have Celestia’s memories, hearing such evil come from that mare’s mouth as though it was nothing at all was… disquieting.”

“I’m more afraid of what could have been,” I said. “For now, I’m going to do my best to lock this memory away in a mental vault.” Unfortunately, forgetting isn’t that easy. But I was used to suppressing my fear, so I figured I’d be fine.

Now that Luna had gone to sleep, I assumed several others were probably out as well. I jumped into the world of dreams and thought of Fleur since she was closest. My head turned straight to it and I stepped over to her golden dream. When I peeled back some of the smoke to look inside, I saw she had wings in this dream. At the moment, she was soaring through the air.

That seemed easy enough to intrude on, so I jumped in and levitated to match her pace. “Greetings, your majesty,” I said.

“You don’t have to call me that, darling,” Fleur replied with a smile. “We’re married, after all!”

“This is actually a dream.”

She blinked a few times before her wings disappeared, she started falling, and the dream went pitch black. That was followed by her screaming, of course. Since she’d wake up if she hit the ground and died, I warped all the way down and put a giant trampoline right under her. Her flailing body slammed into it and her scream turned into a shriek as she rocketed back into the air.

“Not gonna lie, I could have thought that one through better.”

I sighed and teleported up to where she was now falling again. Normally, catching her wouldn’t be possible. In the dream world, though, I could easily superman that ho and carry her to the ground safely. By the time we landed, the dream was now white instead of black.

“Why didn’t you catch me sooner?!” she demanded when her hooves were on the ground.

“To be fair, I really wasn’t expecting your wings to just disappear. Anyway, I’m out of the coma now.”

Fleur took a moment to calm herself down before smiling. “I’m happy to hear that. I’ll have to come see you in the morning! I’m sure a few of your measurements have changed, so I’ll need to update them for Rarity so she can finalize all your competition clothes!”

“All of my measurements have changed, actually,” I said. “In some cases by a lot. Hold on.” I closed my eyes and took a moment to make my dream self mimic the real me. Since that made all my clothes super tight, I made them disappear. When I was done, I opened my eyes again.

“...How did you get so much more beautiful?” she slowly asked, looking me up and down. “You’re much closer to the anime heroines, now!”

Be right back, just gotta go kill myself real quick… “There are two human mages in the book world in which I entered the coma. One has beauty magic. She took it upon herself to cast it on me while I was asleep, without asking beforehand. Given that she had three weeks to work with, she was able to do a lot. It’s honestly pretty bullshit.”

“And your wings… You look like a fairy princess!” Her grin grew even brighter and a very puffy pink dress appeared on me. “Oooh, it’s perfect! Now you’re gonna win for sure!”

Yep, definitely need to find a way to kill myself. “All of my current clothes have already been modified, so at least I don’t have to worry about that.”

“Wait, just how long have you been awake?” she asked.

“A few hours.”

“...And all of your clothes have been modified already?” she slowly asked. “Even the gifts?”

“Princess Celestia came to see me as soon as I got back to Canterlot and fixed them all herself. It took her about twenty minutes.”

“Huh. Well, alright then. The competition officially begins in a week. The contestants will start gathering in Canterlot this week. There will be a preview of all the events in the competition two days before it begins.”

“Is this just going to be a standard beauty competition where we just put on pretty outfits and march around, then answer a few basic questions to determine who has the most plastic personality?”

“There will definitely be pretty outfits involved. The questions won’t be basic, though. I don’t know what a plastic personality is, so I can’t really answer that one. The competition will be taking place over three days. I’d actually like your help with something in the next few days before it begins.”

“What do you need?” I asked. Some part of me had a bad feeling about it, but hearing her out wouldn’t hurt.

“There’s one race I was hoping to have compete, but they haven’t answered any of my missives. I was hoping you could escort me to the deer city in the Whitetail Woods.”

“I’ve heard nothing but bad about the deer. You sure you want to open yourself up to that?”

“This competition is about finding the good in each other,” she replied. “If all we know of the deer is bad, then they should be the ones we want competing the most!”

“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t really want to do it, but I can. It’s gonna be super cold, though.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said, waving a hoof. “Spring starts in two days. We’ll just wait until then.”

Oh hey, that means I slept past my birthday. Nice, I don’t have to deal with a bullshit party this year! “Works for me. The weather around Ponyville changes slower, though, since they refuse to do it by magic.”

“The weather around Whitetail Woods isn’t maintained by Ponyville, though,” she said. “If we take a chariot straight to the woods, we’ll be in spring the whole way there.”

“Awesome. If you don’t mind, I’d like to bring Taya in case we need to teleport out. From what Fluttershy told me, deer are somewhat territorial. And from what Blossom and Celestia told me, deer are arrogant assholes. I can easily keep you safe, but I’d rather avoid fighting if possible.”

“I don’t mind. I’d like to consider it a date, but unfortunately, it’s for work. From what I’ve heard, the deer cities wouldn’t be good date spots anyway.”

“Then why me? The Whitetail Woods are safe and I honestly doubt the deer would hurt you if you just went to talk. You shouldn’t need any guards at all, let alone one as deadly as me.”

“Because the competition was your idea. Plus you’re one of the competitors. I’d like you to talk to the deer with me to help me convince them to join.”

“Ah. Just let me know when you want to go, then. I don’t know much about the deer, but I’m sure we can learn when we get there.”

“We can discuss our schedules in the morning,” she said with a nod. “So, while you’re here… Want to celebrate your awakening?”

“The answer to that question is yes, but I’m afraid I’ll have to decline for now. There are other people I need to contact, plus I still need some real sleep tonight.”

“Aww… Maybe you’ll have time tomorrow, then.”

“Maybe. Goodnight for now, Fleur. I’ll see you again soon.”

She used magic to pull me in for a quick kiss. “Farewell for now, Navi,” she huskily said as she released me. That made me want to ravish her even more, but I held myself back and left the dream instead.

The next person on my list was Cadance. As soon as I thought of her, my head turned and I took another step. I zoomed straight to her white dream. When I peeked inside, I saw that a filly version of Cadance was just sitting in an elementary school class. For some reason, instead of a school uniform everyone else was wearing, she had on a cheerleading outfit.

Bothering her wouldn’t result in her falling to the ground, but I still didn’t want to risk jarring her awake by just appearing in class. After a few seconds of thought, I jumped into the back of the classroom, turning myself invisible as I went. A few moments later, the intercom clicked on. “Cadance, can you please come to the office? Cadance, to the office.”

Outside the window, things got a few shades darker. All the other kids started whispering as Cadance blushed and stood. I followed her out into the hall, which was pretty easy since the classroom disappeared the moment she walked out.

“That outfit is super cute,” I said, making her jump. “Is that why you’re wearing it in this dream?”

“...Dream?” filly Cadance said, blinking. A moment later, she blinked again and grew up to her more mature form. The cheerleading outfit stayed, though. “Oh, huh. Nav, you’re awake?”

“What? No, we just established this was a dream. Don’t be silly.”

“You know what I meant! I guess asking was pointless if you’re here. Want me to do a cheer for you now that you’re finally out of the coma?”

“Maybe if you get your husband to join you. Anyway, this stupid beauty pageant thing is coming up in a week or so.”

“We’ll be there,” she replied with a nod. “I’ll see what I can do to get Shiny in a cheerleader outfit, but no promises. Although… couldn’t you just make him wear one here?”

“If it isn’t humiliating the real him, what’s the point? Celestia visited as soon as I got back to Canterlot. She’s thinking we should host another summit soon, this time just with nation leaders and me. That would make you, Moonbeam, Celestia, and either Bloodbeak or Hooters. She was hoping we could host it in your territory again.”

“We can,” she said. “I’d be happy to help plan it, too. Did she say when?”

“No. We’ll need to talk with the others first, I’d imagine. I was probably going to visit Moonie next and let her know.”

“Oh, cool. Can I go… Wait, what am I saying? Of course I can’t. What’s dreamwalking like, Nav?”

“There are two aspects to it. The first is the anteroom, where all the dreams are located. While in there, you can search for dreams by the dreamer, by the type of dream, and by distance relative to your current position. For example, to find your dream, I just think of your name. If you’re asleep, my head turns straight to it. Moving around is as simple as taking a step, which teleports you to the dream you’re looking for. Once I find your dream, I can tell what kind of dream it is based on the color. A nightmare is black. A happy dream is golden. A lewd dream is red. After I know the type, I can peek inside by manipulating the outside of it. Then once I know what’s going on, I can jump inside. That’s the second aspect. While I’m in here, I can essentially do whatever I want. For example…”

I snapped and we appeared in a strip club, a place that should have been familiar to Cadance. “I… think I recognize this place,” she slowly said. “But I don’t remember from where.”

“This is the place you danced like a whore for Luna’s party,” I said. “Remember? You were shaking your ass in front of all the guards and anyone else who paid you.”

“...Yes, I do remember. Thank you very much for reminding me.”

“Happy to help. You know, I bet Shiny wouldn’t mind watching you dance like that, especially in a cute outfit like this.”

“If only there was a way to bridge our dreams…”

“Well, for all I know, it might be possible. The dream machine was a human artifact. I’ve already found some commands that Luna didn’t know about. If you want, I can fiddle around and see what I can do.”

“That would be amazing! Especially if he doesn’t know it’s a dream and I do!”

“Right? You can make him dress up like a mare out in public!”

“And watch him get railed by griffins and changelings!”

Pervert. “Well, I guess I’ll go see what I can do. No promises.”

“Good luck! And it was nice seeing you again.” Before I could leave, she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “See you soon!”

“You’re too warm and fluffy for someone so horny all the time. With luck, connecting the dreams will make you even worse.” With one final giggle, I left her dream behind. “Summon artificial intelligence.” A more generalized human AI appeared, one that didn’t specifically deal with security. “Is it possible to bridge dreams together?”

“Your existence was first recorded in such a dream,” the AI replied. “There were many consciousnesses entwined in one central dreamscape.”

Oh right, Luna’s party. But figuring that out would require talking to Luna. “Can you teach me how to connect just two dreams?”

“Place your hand on the first dream,” it said. I reached over and put a hand against Cadance’s dream bubble. “Repeat these words: Add to group, codename Alpha.”

“Add to group, codename Alpha.” The dream’s white light began softly pulsing every second.

“Right now, this dream is in a group called Alpha. Find the second dream and repeat the process.”

Shining Armor’s dream was right next to his wife’s. At the moment, his dream was golden. I placed my hand on it and said, “Add to group, codename Alpha.”

“As of now, both dreams are in the group called Alpha. There is one more command. Repeat after me. Connect group Alpha.”

“Connect group Alpha.” Shiny’s dream shot toward Cadance’s and they connected together. The white and gold merged together, but the gold quickly won out. “Huh. That’s pretty cool.” I peeled the smoke back and beheld Cadance, still in a cheerleading outfit, glomping her husband. “Will they reconnect automatically when they go to sleep again, or will waking up break the connection?”

“You can make it persistent if you desire. But by default, the dreams leave the group they’re in when the dreamer awakens.”

“Well, I’d say this is good enough for now. I don’t want to make it last until I know the side effects. Well, unless I can guarantee that Cadance is in full control. Then I wouldn’t care about the side effects, because the results would be too fun.”

“I’m not programmed for emotion, yet a part of me feels something akin to pity for the other dreamer.”

“Probably just corrosion from being too old. There’s no need to feel bad for someone who both deserves and secretly enjoys it.” The AI didn’t reply. “This won’t affect their sleep pattern or anything? They’ll still wake up at the normal time?”

“Indeed. However, if you wanted to lock down multiple users at once, this would be the ideal way to do it. You wouldn’t even have to connect the dreams, unless you wanted.”

“That’s very good to know. Hopefully the dream machine will work on demons.” Again, it didn’t reply. “That’s all. Dismissed.” It bowed its head and vanished.

I thought of Moonbeam next and my head turned that way. I jumped on over to her golden dream. Before I could peel back the smoke, my memory flickered and I paused.

“...Did she mention something about never disrupting her dreams? I think I remember her mentioning something like that.”

“If you think so, it’s better not to take the risk,” Darya said in my head. “Moonbeam is delicate about surprising things. She might be quite upset if you violate the privacy of her dreams. You have the magic mirror. Perhaps you should use that to contact her instead.”

“Yeah, that’s a better idea.” I was really curious about her dreams, but I decided not to press my luck. “In that case, I don’t think I have anyone else to notify.”

“What about your friends at Ponyville?” Darya asked.

“I’m sure they’ll find out through the grapevine.” I left the anteroom for my own dream. “Put me out, if you would. I’m done for the night.” The sweet, comforting darkness enveloped me.

When I woke up the next morning, I was cuddled tightly against a furry purple pony. The part of me pressed against her was drenched in sweat from the heat, which felt pretty unpleasant. Twilight was still mortal, so I figured she’d sleep for a while longer. I started walking to the bathroom to take a whore bath, but was engulfed by an elemental before I could make it halfway there.

“Good morning,” Darya said in my head when she pulled away from me.

How did you beat Flo up here?

“I informed her that it would be best if someone else took care of you. If it was someone so close, you would only find it creepy. She didn’t care, so we had a rock-paper-tendril contest instead. I won.”

Well, want to help me find clothes? I have no idea where anything is.

“I scouted it all out last night while you were sleeping,” she said in my head as she slid over to one of the wardrobes. Soon enough, I was girded in simple clothes. Twilight was still kicking softly in her sleep, so I left her behind and went to the stairs heading down. Darya slid right behind me.

Doppel was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. “You have a visitor, my lady,” she said, bowing her head. “Fleur is waiting for you in the sun room.”

Wow, already? “Then I suppose I’ll go get complained at for dressing too simply,” I said.

“I heard that!” Fleur called from the other room. I smiled and walked on over. Fleur was currently trotting over with a huge grin of her own. Before I could say anything, she hugged me. “Welcome back to reality, Navi!”

“You know, hopefully,” I said, hugging her back. “Unless this is just the coma trying to mess with my mind.”

“Well, I’m sure I can think of a few ways to make you realize the truth. If you’d like to go upstairs for a few minutes, I’d be happy to show you…”

“If you came this early, I figured you had more in mind than that,” I replied.

“Unfortunately, you’re quite right.” She finally released me and stepped back. “Are you up for a trip to Ponyville?”

“I mean, I really don’t want to, but I can definitely do it. Taya can get us there as soon as she comes downstairs.”

“Oh. I… guess that would work, too. I came by this early because I figured we’d go by train… Will Rarity’s shop even be open this early?”

“No clue, but it’s also possible she isn’t even in Ponyville right now,” I said. “Apparently she’s expanding. I’d rather get there quickly and find out she’s not there than waste two hours on a train ride. At least if she is there, we can walk around Ponyville until she opens.”

“What about Taya’s classes?”

“She can teleport back before they start, if it takes us that long. I kinda wanted to walk her there on my first day back, but there’s not much time left before the competition. Rarity needs the new measurements sooner rather than later, I reckon. Are these clothes acceptable, or should I try something more fancy?”

“If you even have to ask, you should know the answer,” Fleur said. “Besides, it’s still going to be frigid out, especially in Ponyville. I might be able to keep you warm with magic for a few minutes, but it wouldn’t be for long.”

“Then I’ll ask Doppel to assist,” I said.

“Perfect,” Fleur said with a nod. “I’ll see you again in a few minutes, unless you want me to help, too!”

“If you started helping, it might take a few hours to get finished,” I replied, booping her nose. “I’ll be down soon.” With that, I went back to the entry hall. Doppel and Aurora were both waiting with large smiles. “Doppel, I need assistance preparing for an outing to Ponyville.”

“I’d be happy to help, my lady!” she sweetly said. For once, she actually started walking up the stairs. I followed behind her. Thankfully, my male maid went to the kitchen instead.

“Do you think I should invite Twilight?” I whispered.

“Fleur already knows she’s here, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Doppel casually replied. “I think it would be better to bring Twilight, if she’s willing. Taya still needs to get ready and eat breakfast, after all. Well… unless Fleur was hoping to turn this into a date. She did seem a little put off when you talked about skipping the train ride together…”

“Life is hard,” I sighed.

“It’s the most difficult thing most people ever do,” Doppel replied. “But don’t worry, my lady! We’re here for you!”

“That’s how I keep going.” We got to my room, so she opened the door and let me in first. Twilight was no longer in the bed and the bathroom door was closed, so I figured she was probably up. “So, I guess it’s time to prettify me. Again.”

“If you weren’t going to see Rarity, I wouldn’t be as adamant about it,” Doppel said. “But that mare will give me an earful if I don’t dress you properly before sending you out.” She had all my clothes off me in a flash, skillfully undressing me in a way only a pro could. “You know… I wouldn’t mind a chance to play with your new body soon, my lady…”

“Your chance may or may not be coming soon,” I said. “If push comes to shove, you could help with some more advanced material for Twilight’s books.”

“She’s been consulting me frequently, but I’d be happy to show her things in person…” Her wings flapped and she flew over to one of my wardrobes. “For now, let’s get you all dolled up!”

While she was pulling out an uncomfortably lacy dress, I asked, “Did you really consider being a tree sister like me and Taya?”

“I did, but I didn’t want to do anything without consulting you first, my lady. I’d be happy to serve you forever!”

“I’m not sure the potion would work on you, since you’re already fully fae. It’s also important to know that you can’t technically die if you’re a tree sister, once you have a few seeds planted. After a few deaths, you won’t be able to go as far away from your trees. After a few more deaths, you’ll be stuck in your grove. A few more, and you’ll turn into a tree. If there’s any kind of afterlife out there, it’ll be a very long time before your soul finds its way there. If you’re fine with that, I’d be happy to have you.”

“Those extra details will require some thought, but I don’t think my answer will change. I don’t think dressing you up will be as fun when you’re a man again, but it’ll still be important! And what would you do without me to do it, hm?”

“Well, Darya dressed me before I left, but that was before we were expecting to go somewhere. She knows as soon as I wake up, so that’s pretty convenient.”

“Hm. She’s able to communicate with me as well, correct? That means I can use her to alert me the moment you awaken, so I can be by your side to help you get ready for the day!”

“It does mean that, yes.” I’m not sure why you’d want to go that far, but whatever. “I’d certainly prefer you waiting by my bedside in the morning to a few of my other options…”

“Kat certainly is passionate, my lady,” Doppel said with a cute giggle. “But you know she’ll never harm you without permission, right?”

“That doesn’t mean she isn’t creepy. I’m surprised she wasn’t waiting just outside my door when I left.”

“Darya sent her away before going in to dress you. Kat was reluctant to leave, but getting told she was being creepy was enough for her to give up. You know, I can’t believe Celestia managed to modify all of your clothes like this…”

“Yeah, it sure was convenient,” I said. “Magic’s a hell of a drug.”

“You’re being a much better sport about getting dressed up than usual,” she said. The speed with which she dressed me couldn’t match the speed when she tore everything off, but it still didn’t take her very long. “Normally you’d complain about every little thing…”

“Accepting it makes it go faster. That means I have less time to be miserable. Besides, putting the dress on isn’t the worst part. It’s being seen by everyone else while in it.”

“Luckily, I made sure you have on a super cute dress today. That means you won’t have to suffer when everyone sees you in it! Really, my lady, what would you do without me?”

“Suffer.” I looked myself up and down in the large mirror she set up for me. The white dress went all the way up to my collar and was made with heavy materials to keep me warm. The pink lace all over it was probably there solely to make me miserable. I filled it in much more now than I did before. “Not too bad, all things told. Thank you, Doppel.”

“I live to serve, my lady. Should I ask Taya to come see you?”

“If you wouldn’t mind.” She bowed and departed, leaving the door cracked open. For a moment, I thought I saw a flash of Kat’s eyes staring from the other side, but they vanished before I could be certain. Of course, I had no doubts. She was merely biding her time.

I didn’t have long to think about it. The bathroom door opened and out came Twilight in all her purple glory. “Oh my, you’re dressed up quite fancily,” she said. “Are you going somewhere so early?”

“Rarity needs my new measurements to finalize my clothing for the competition,” I said. “Fleur came by to take me. I was planning on having Taya teleport us.”

“She has classes,” Twilight replied. “I will teleport you! I can go talk to someone while you’re getting measured.”

“I can skip,” Taya said, letting herself in. “Mommy needs me. That’s more important.”

“If Twilight’s willing, that’s just as good,” I said. “With luck, I can get it over with quickly and come back before you even leave. But knowing Rarity, she’ll probably be difficult and what should take half an hour will take half a day instead.”

“That’s a bad way to talk about one of your friends,” Twilight said.

“What’s a better word for difficult, then? High maintenance, maybe?”

“Didn’t you tell me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say it at all?” Taya asked.

“I don’t know, maybe? I’ve told you a lot of things. It definitely sounds like a good rule for you to follow, though.”

“So are you saying it’s not a good rule for you to follow?” Taya asked.

“I’m working on it. Anyway, go get ready for class. I’ll take the delicious purple express to Ponyville instead.”

“Don’t make me sound like a delivery service,” Twilight groaned, flapping her ears.

“...Class is gonna be a lot less fun now that you’re back,” Taya said, hanging her head.

“What? Why?”

“Because now I could be spending time with you instead!” she said, jerking back up to stare at me.

“School is good for you. Concentrate on your classes and your friends while you’re there. We’ll have plenty of time together after you’ve learned everything you can.”

“I know… But I’ll definitely stop tutoring now that you’re back.”

“Wait, you were tutoring?” I asked. I thought for sure everyone would be terrified of you.

“I was surprised, too,” Twilight said. “But she found some friends who were impressed by what she could do and wanted to learn from her!”

“That’s not exactly what happened,” Taya said. “First, this annoying colt kept challenging me to duels and got upset every time he lost. After my tenth victory in a row, I decided to teach him a lesson. The filly that was called in to heal him couldn’t concentrate her magic enough to heal what I did, so I did it for her, which apparently shocked her. After that, the teacher made me tutor them both for a week to punish me for winning.”

“He wasn’t punishing you for winning,” Twilight said. “He was punishing you for going too far, the colt for challenging someone who was obviously stronger over and over, and the filly for panicking at the sight of what you did to him.”

“If it’s a punishment, you’re not skipping it,” I said.

“Oh, that ended a few days ago,” Taya said. “But for some reason, they both asked me to keep doing it. I’ll just tell them today that it’s over.”

“I want you to keep teaching them,” I said, patting her head. “It’s good to know capable people, and anyone taught by you is sure to be both capable and grateful.”

“But it’s not like I can bring them over here! We have to go to his house to practice! And if we go over there, I can’t spend time with you!”

“Wait, why can’t you bring them here?” Twilight asked.

“Because almost everyone here is terrifying,” I said. “Most ponies rarely see other races, and yet this house has a ton of them, many of which are predators. It also has Luna. But you should be able to bring them by, as long as you either stick to your room or the backyard near the cliff.”

“I guess I can offer…” she said. “His family’s training area is well made, but it’s for pegasi. The cliff lets us do a lot more.”

“You could teach them how to make wings and then show them how to fly,” Twilight said. “Most unicorns haven’t even heard of that spell. I’m sure they’d love it!”

“Eh, probably.”

“Be careful when teaching people a lesson,” I said. “Make sure not to do anything that makes them bleed because that’s too noticeable.”

“I tried everything else before then,” she said, shaking her head in disappointment. “He was so annoying, going on about his family honor or whatever. Who cares that he’s the son of a famous line of knights? As far as his magic is concerned, he’s about as harmless to me as a gnat!”

“It was still enough to make another filly cry,” Twilight said. “Though, apparently, the two of them were already friends, so maybe she was just upset one of her friends was hurt.”

“She’s a little crybaby,” Taya said. “I don’t know how the daughter of two supposedly famous doctors is so wimpy. You’d think she’d be used to things like that! I only sliced him up a little.”

“You removed his ability to feel pain and then hamstrung him, didn’t you?” Twilight asked.

“Well, first I cut off his flow of magic, so he couldn’t fight back,” Taya said. “They’re both weaklings. Are you really sure I should keep training them?”

“I am,” I said. “If anyone is strong enough to be willing to learn from the person who thrashed them so badly, they’re worth keeping around. Besides, anyone can become strong with repetition. If they’re currently useless, then keep drilling and training them until they’re not. If the vision we saw in the coma is true, you know enough about healing to get up to expert and enough about destruction to be well past it. That means you can teach them both quite a lot. And in the act of teaching, you’ll come to learn it better yourself.”

“That’s definitely true,” Twilight said. “Going back over the basics with true beginners is a good way of reconfirming everything in your mind.”

Taya sighed and hung her head. “Fine. I’ll keep teaching them. I guess I’ll go get ready, then…”

“In case I don’t see you before you leave, have a good day,” I said, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

“I was planning on only having a mediocre day, but I guess I’ll have a good one instead…”

“That’s my filly!” I said. She giggled and trotted back out. “Now then, I need to speak to Moonbeam for a moment. You want to wait downstairs?”

“No, I’ll wait right here,” Twilight said. Of course you will. Since she was just going to be stubborn, I gave in and walked over to my desk. She used magic to push the door shut.

I pulled the chair back, sat, opened the door with the mirror, and pulled it out. “Moonbeam.” The mirror showed the ceiling of her room. “Anyone home?”

“Indeed I am,” Moonie’s seductive voice replied. A few moments later, I saw a haze of green and the mirror started moving. Soon enough, the lovely bug queen herself came into view. “Greetings, Navi.” She took the mirror in hoof and the green haze disappeared. “I heard from Celestia you woke up last night, yet you waited until just now to contact me?”

“My worry was focused on getting rid of one of your competitors,” I replied with a grin. “In case you’re interested, Princess Gilda is out of the running. Apparently her name was put there by someone else without my knowledge.”

“I didn’t fear that little princess for an instant,” Moonie said. “But I’m still happy you swatted that annoying fly away. Did you actually almost let yourself get honey trapped by the griffins?”

“It wasn’t their plot, it was Aqua’s,” I said. “She forced me to do it without me realizing it while I was under her control. I realized it while in the coma.”

“Ah, I see. I guess that makes sense. Aqua wanted another royal between your bedsheets. That would give her more control.”

“Yep. I was also pretty busy yesterday. Celestia barged in almost as soon as I got back, so I had to deal with her. Then I needed to test my new body a little. By the time I got all of my retainers together for a talk, it was already dark. After that, I decided to contact you in your dreams. Right before I let myself in, I realized you probably wouldn’t appreciate that and chose to contact you this morning instead.”

“I see your ability to make excuses hasn’t declined after your coma. Well, we are speaking now, so let’s leave it at that. It’s good to see you again, Navi.”

“You as well, Miss Moonie. Did Celestia tell you that we’ll get to meet in person again soon?”

“Indeed, she told me last night to expect another summit soon. It obviously can’t be during the upcoming fashion show, so it will likely be after.”

“Are you planning on attending the show?” I asked.

“Yes, though I won’t be there every night. I’m quite looking forward to it…” She licked her lips and gave me quite a spooky grin. “You’re going to be so cute that I might not be able to restrain myself… I don’t know if ravishing you during the middle of a show would work as a fait accompli, but I might be willing to risk it.”

“Cadance and Shining Armor are also going to be there, so in the event you can’t control yourself, they can keep you in check. Cadance can make you fall in love with her husband and you can impregnate him, instead.” Twilight glared at me, but I ignored it.

“I certainly hope it would be more enjoyable than the last time I wrapped my legs around him. He couldn’t perform at all! I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if he enjoyed it. Anyway, did your coma teach you anything else?”

“Quite a few things. More than I’d like to talk about over a mirror, though I honestly doubt you’d care about most of it. There is one very important thing I need to warn you about, though. I’m not sure if Celestia told you last night.”

“She most certainly did,” Moonie replied. “About this pull of yours, correct?”

“Correct.”

“My thanks for the warning. I will keep this effect in mind in our relations going forward. However, expect nothing to change. I intend to have you as my wife.”

“If you want my hand, the first thing you have to do is move out of the darkness,” I said. “I can’t live underground.”

“The plans for our first above ground hive are already in the works. I can’t promise to make it my capital, but I’ll give the city to you and make my home there.”

“An enticing offer, but I’m going to put off making any final decisions until the Tartarus campaign is finished. It’s possible there’s an artifact somewhere in there that can make me male again.”

“That would change nothing for me, but I’ll respect your wishes and not push too strongly for now. I sense your value will only increase with time, Nav. At my side, you will have all the power and resources you need for any project you might want. With my authority behind you, all other nations will think twice about disturbing you with their nonsense plots. There are no such schemes among changelings. My will is the will of the whole kingdom.”

That doesn’t leave any room for mine, does it? “As I said, it’s a nice offer. Unfortunately, I don’t have too much time to chat. Now that I’m finally awake, I have much to do.”

“I understand. I’m grateful you were able to give me any time at all. I’ll make time soon to visit. You have quite the punishment coming, after all!”

“I’m looking forward to it. Farewell for now, Moonie.”

“See you soon, my pet.” With that, the mirror showed my own face once more. I chuckled and put the thing away.

“That bug is as detestable as always,” Twilight said, huffing.

“Thank you for not interrupting,” I replied, standing back up.

“So, what was she saying about sleeping with my brother?”

“That she wouldn’t mind impregnating him. You heard her, right?”

“That witch just said she wrapped her legs around my brother before, and she said it as though you knew what she was talking about!”

“The night before the wedding was supposed to happen, she seduced him to take his first.”

“...Does Cadance know?”

“I told him that I completely understood his pain and promised to tell no one, but I did tell him that Cadance would completely understand him if he told her. And that if she didn’t, that I would make her understand. I don’t know if he ever told her. For a man, being raped is pretty shameful. I’m surprised he even told me.”

“As I thought, Chrysalis really is a monster. How can you possibly trust her, Nav?”

“Right now, all trust in her is currently rescinded until we know what’s up with her deal with the devil. But I guess the answer is just intuition. I legitimately think she doesn’t mean me any harm. And now, I have a feeling she’s decided not to bring harm to anyone else. That obviously doesn’t mean she’s good, but it’s difficult for me to mistrust people when I feel they have no bad intentions for me.”

“Your intuition might be broken. Every time she opens her mouth, I can’t help but think she’s lying to bide time.”

“I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Shall we get going? I’d like to get back from Ponyville quickly.”

“Don’t be silly, you won’t be that lucky.” I led the way out and she followed.

This time, Kat was definitely waiting outside my door. “My lady, will you need a guard for this excursion?” she asked with her typical sly grin.

“An attendant would be welcome, if Twilight is willing to bring you as well.”

“One more won’t hurt,” Twilight said, shrugging. Kat giggled and latched onto my arm. Together, the three of us made it back to the sunroom where Fleur was waiting. It was still early enough that only a few guards were out and about, so I didn’t have to deal with any extra drama.

“I had a feeling it might come to this,” Fleur said when she saw us. “Well… It hurts to say, but we are both busy. I guess we can make it quick instead of spending some time together…”

“I need to speak to someone at Ponyville, so I don’t plan on staying with you,” Twilight said.

“And I am only here to serve my lady,” Kat added, tightening her grip on my arm.

“Most nobles don’t have vassals this… loyal,” Fleur said, looking at our arms locked together. “You’re quite lucky, Navi.”

“Luck had nothing to do with it,” I said. Especially not good luck. “Is everyone ready to go?”

“All my weapons are properly concealed,” Kat said. “I won’t scare any of the normal ponies, promise!”

“I can get something for breakfast in Ponyville,” Twilight said. “I’m ready whenever.”

“I’m not sure Rarity will let us in this early, but we can try,” Fleur said with a nod. “Let’s go.” We all grouped up together and Twilight’s horn took us off on our next adventure.

It was lightly snowing when we arrived a few meters away from Rarity’s front door. The sudden difference in temperature was enough for me to be grateful for Kat’s closeness. “Do normal ponies enjoy buildings that look like this?” Kat asked, looking Rarity’s boutique up and down. “Equestria is so… gaudy.”

“I think it’s a little much, but it’s certainly eye-catching,” Fleur said.

“The whole place is an eye-sore,” I muttered, kicking at the snow.

“You probably never should have told Rarity what you really thought about it, you know,” Twilight said. “I feel like that’s probably one of the reasons she made so many pretty dresses.”

“One for every insult, two for every prank,” Fleur said with a nod. “That’s what Rarity told me, at least. I thought she was joking at the time, but now…”

“Yeah, that explains it,” I said. “That’s gonna mean years and years of dresses…”

“...What did you do to that poor mare?” Fleur slowly asked, looking somewhat disturbed.

“Nothing she didn’t deserve.”

“Before we bother Rarity, I’m going to head off,” Twilight said. “If she sees me here, she’ll probably want to talk and talk. I’ll use magic to track you when I’m done.”

“Thanks for the ride, Twilight,” I said. “Your delicious purple taxi service is always welcome.”

“I’m not a taxi service, either!” She stuck her tongue out at me before teleporting off.

“Anyway, let’s get this show on the road,” I said with a nod. Kat synced with my steps perfectly, as though she was just waiting for me to make a move. She knocked on the door for me as soon as we were close enough.

A few moments later, Rarity opened the door. As soon as she saw me, she looked me up and down before smiling. “I see you’re awake, my lady. How was your nap?”

“Enlightening,” I said. “Fleur is saying you need my latest measurements.”

“Oh, indeed. Not much should have changed, so it shouldn’t take me too long.”

“Would you like us to wait until you’re officially open?” Fleur asked.

“No, no, there’s no need for that,” Rarity said. “Come inside, out of the snow!” She backed off, letting us in. “I heard you had a few adventures without us, my lovely lady. Was Celestia okay with that?”

“Hearing you call me lady makes my skin crawl,” I said.

“Good, now I know another of your weaknesses… my lady.”

“Tch. Well, Celestia and I came to an agreement. We won’t be getting in each other’s way anymore.”

“Twilight told me some of what happened, but I have a feeling there’s a lot she didn’t mention. For you to have actually forgiven Celestia… Forgive me for doubting you, but I find it hard to believe your heart is that big.”

“The full story isn’t something that needs to be shared. Ever. Celestia and I have come to an agreement and that’s all everyone needs to know.”

“Hm… Well, I suppose it’s nothing for a humble peasant such as myself to be concerned over, I’m sure,” Rarity smugly replied. “The life of a beautiful lady such as yourself seems so rife with hardships, in comparison…”

“And now I see why you have years and years of dresses to make our lovely lady here,” Fleur said with a grin. “One for every insult, two for every prank?”

“And five for every time you called me ugly!”

“But that’s just another insult,” I said. “That’s clearly biased.”

“Fine, then six for every time you called me ugly! One for the insult, five for that insult!”

“Well, joke’s on you,” I said with a smirk. “I’m pretty sure I found a way to turn back. I’ll just have to beat Tartarus to get it.”

“Then I’ll simply have to go with you to ensure you fail,” Rarity said. Before she could say anything else, Kat appeared right in front of her to boop her on the nose. It looked like her claw might have been extended, but I couldn’t tell.

“You wouldn’t do something like that to my lady, would you?” Kat warmly asked, looking down on Rarity with a very kind smile.

I sighed and dragged Kat back. “Kat, stop acting out for attention. Or at the very least, do it in a way that isn’t creepy or scary. Rarity obviously wouldn’t do that because she quite clearly doesn’t understand the consequences.”

“And I hope I never will understand them,” Rarity replied with a nod. “Some of the more mature manga I was given had a few scenes in them that depicted humanity’s imagination when it comes to causing torment and suffering. And I’ve seen from Opal what cats can do, so I’d rather not tempt fate.”

“There’s another cat living here?” Kat asked. “I thought I was the only one in mainland Equestria.”

“Opal is my pet cat,” Rarity replied.

“Your pet… cat?” Kat said, tilting her head.

Rarity’s horn lit up and a can of fish appeared. She cracked it open and Opal instantly appeared. “That’s Opal.”

Kat was staring at her with the weirdest look on her face. “I… I don’t understand… What is that thing? It looks a little like me, but… What?”

“You’ve never seen a pet cat?” I asked. “Seriously?”

She leaned in closer to Opal, who was staring up at the can of fish expectantly. “I haven’t! This is fascinating! Do many ponies keep my kind in bondage?”

“Quite a lot of us, yes,” Rarity said, finally giving Opal the fish she so dearly longed for. “They’re great for catching mice and cuddling with! But she’s not capable of talking, of course. I don’t really know if you’d consider it bondage…”

“Yes, I’m sure you wouldn’t,” Kat said. She reached down to pick up the kitty. “My lady, I am going to attempt to communicate with this poor creature. Will you need me while you’re being measured?”

“Nope, go for it,” I said. Opal didn’t seem to mind getting carted off. Rarity looked a little worried, but didn’t say anything as Kat walked to another room. “So, shall we?”

“Er, right. Would you mind getting undressed for me, Nav?”

“I’d be happy to help,” Fleur said with a smirk. Her horn lit up and I started getting stripped yet again. Since she was being careful with my clothes, she didn’t finish as quickly as Doppel.

“Wait, did you… gain weight?” Rarity asked as my body was revealed.

“I entered the coma in Athena’s book, the dungeon Twilight and I conquered together. One of the mages there specializes in beauty magic. She did some stuff to make me sexier while I was asleep, apparently.”

“Oh, definitely,” she said, molesting me with her eyes. “You look much closer to the ladies in some of the other mature manga I was given.”

“That reminds me. Would you mind if I murdered you just a little? I went through unimaginable suffering in Gryphus because of you.”

“I would prefer you didn’t. What happened?”

“Twilight and I went there on vacation, both of us in disguise as random ponies. One of the events we participated in was an auction. I got bought by a griffin who loved pony manga. His favorite was about a pony maid who fell in love with her griffin master. I was subjected to his nerdy bullshit for almost a day! He actually asked me to marry him!”

Rarity sighed, hanging her head. “I can’t believe you got another marriage offer… I can’t even get a single one!”

“That’s not true. I offered to marry you once.”

“And you were clearly joking!”

Fleur cut in with a giggle. “Yes, I can definitely see why you don’t regret earning a single one of those dresses, Navi,” she said. “You two are quite close!”

“It’s okay, Rarity,” I said, patting her on the head. “The coma finally taught me why you and all your friends are so difficult to deal with. Now that I understand the situation, I’ll try not to be as antagonistic. So, shall we get to measuring?”

“Just as soon as you explain what you meant by that!” Rarity shouted, stomping a hoof on the floor. “First, you call me difficult?! And then you’re acting like there’s something wrong with us!”

“Rarity, you’re the least difficult pony in Ponyville,” I replied with a smile. “Be proud! Now that I know Celestia’s secret, I truly understand what an achievement that is! Especially when you tack on what I’ve accidentally done just by existing…”

Rarity looked down to my hands for a moment before her horn lit up and I found my naked body lifted up. “I think I’m going to start working on a special dress while you explain just exactly what you’re talking about!” She began floating me into her workroom, muttering darkly. Fleur followed, giggling like crazy.

And so I once again described the effect of my pull on Fleur and Rarity. They were obviously shocked, but not all that concerned about it. Unfortunately, the dress Rarity was putting together using me as a live mannequin was very pink, very frilly, and oddly sparkly. It was completely covered in gems carved in the shape of cherry blossom petals.

“So, I noticed you mentioning something else before talking about that strange human effect of yours,” Rarity said, pulling the corset she’d forced around me tighter. Now that I actually had a chest, apparently she wanted to force my figure more upright or whatever. All that effectively meant is that she had another way to torture me while trying to make me feel grateful for it. “You were talking like Ponyville was unusual even before you arrived, something about Celestia’s secret!”

“Oh yeah, that,” I said. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Trust me when I say you’re really better off not knowing.”

“If Celestia’s done something to all of us, I deserve to know about it!” Rarity shouted. “And if you think this dress isn’t girly enough, you better not push me! I’ll make something so prissy and pink you’ll finally break and start liking it!”

“You better tell her,” Fleur said. “If the Element of Generosity promises such a gift, she’s sure to make it happen…”

“Ugh, fine. Ponyville is a eugenics program. Celestia set it up that way on purpose.”

“...What’s eugenics?” Rarity quietly asked.

“Essentially, purposefully breeding sapient beings to create stronger, more talented beings. If it helps, think of it like breeding dogs. They all started from wolves, but now there are dozens of different types bred for various different purposes. Since this is an earth pony town, she was probably trying to breed soldiers. I mean, look at how strong Applejack and Big Mac are compared to the normal pony. And think about how weird Pinkie is. And how strong the earth magic here is. Then you have exceptional cases of super fast pegasi like Rainbow Dash. I even heard most of the new recruits in the Wonderbolts this year were pegasi from Ponyville. Fluttershy’s talents with animals would be perfect if it could be reproduced. Your agility with magic is basically unmatched, aside from the most elite of the elite. And of course, Twilight was sent here unwittingly to take part in the program, both to act as another breeder as a powerful unicorn and to keep an eye on the inmates. Her weekly letters to Celestia were essentially reports to the researcher on how well the test subjects were doing. It’s possible Celestia had some very long-term plans to create some new type of pony, or maybe even recreate alicorns.”

“Oh,” Rarity curtly said. “I see. Is that all? I suppose it’s time to move, then. Well, after telling everypony else and leading a revolution against THAT UTTER MONSTER!”

“Don’t worry about the revolution,” I said. “We already got that one covered.”

“You said you came to an agreement with that monster!” Rarity shouted. “We deserve her head!”

“Like I said, we already got that one covered. Celestia’s dead.” Rarity froze, then blinked a few times. “Did you know that water elementals can completely erase someone’s personality? And did you know they can also… build a completely new personality? What do you think is better, Rarity? Starting a revolution? Getting your hooves covered in the blood of your fellow ponies? Finally getting your brutal revenge against the one who oppressed you for so long by chopping her head off in the town circle for all to see? Or quietly killing her in a back room, then repurposing her corpse to undo the damage she caused?”

“...I certainly know which would feel better,” she muttered. “But… is it true?”

“It is,” Fleur said. “I wasn’t there to personally witness it, but I was there to witness the decision being made. Nav invited a few world leaders and several other important ponies to discuss the issue. In the end, the vote was five to four in favor of brainwashing her instead of killing her.”

“Our revenge has already been completed, Rarity,” I said. “There’s no need to fear Celestia anymore. She’s now cute and cuddly, without all the creepy elitism, racism, and most of the other things that used to make her a tyrant.”

“Are you really sure you should be telling me this?” Rarity asked.

“You threatened to do unspeakably awful things to me if I didn’t. Are you really in a position to be complaining? Get over yourself, test subject. Besides, now you won’t try and lead a revolution against Celestia. After all, if you do, you’ll have me to deal with. I voted to keep her alive and I intend to keep her that way. As you’re the least insane inmate here, surely you know better than to actually share information like this.”

“I prefer most sane, thank you very much,” Rarity said. “Although now I know all of this… I don’t think I can look at any of the townsponies the same way anymore.”

“At least I’m not the only one anymore. I’m happy to share my troubles with you, Rarity. You sure are a good friend, huh?”

“Oh, bite me.” I leaned down and nibbled on her ear, making her unwillingly moan.

“I see I’m not the only one with a thing for predators,” Fleur said, chuckling.

“Rarity only pretends to be prim and proper. Trust me, she’s just as bad as us, if not worse. She has a thing for dressing little boys up like girls.”

“STOP SAYING THAT!” Rarity shouted, grabbing me and shaking me by the frills.

“Didn’t you say you were preparing a dress for a colt the last time I came by?” Fleur asked.

Rarity sighed in exasperation. “That… that was an o-order…”

“You don’t sound very sure about that,” I said. “You sure it was what he actually ordered? And not just what you decided to make?”

“He didn’t order it,” Rarity said. “His mother did. The colt himself didn’t say anything. But he looked so adorable in it! Truly, the perfect fit!” Fleur and I shared a knowing look. “IT’S NOT A FETISH!”

Of course, that happened to be right as Rainbow Dash was busting through the door. We all turned to her in shock, since she slammed the door open. It looked like she was about to say something, but froze when she heard what Rarity shouted. “...Wait, are you talking about dressing up colts?” Dash finally asked. Rarity groaned.

“I’d say that proves it,” Fleur said. “I’m not sure that’s the most healthy—”

“Wait a sec, I’m not here to talk about Rarity’s messed up fetishes!” Dash shouted. “I’m here to yell at Nav again!”

“Rarity, undo your magic for a moment,” I said.

“Tch, whatever.” Her magic finally released me, so I turned to Rainbow Dash with a sweet grin.

“But Dashie, we just got reunited after so long apart…” I stepped closer and brought my arms together, emphasizing my much larger bust. Her eyes couldn’t deny gravity and took them in, making her mouth drop. “Shouldn’t this be a joyous occasion?” I leaned in closer and gently scratched at the back of one of her ears. “Why would you want to yell at me, silly? I just got back! Don’t you even wanna say hello? Or maybe…” I leaned in closer, so I could whisper in her ear. “...make some even sweeter sounds?”

“Y-you… you won’t s-seduce your way outta…” I blew in her ear, making her squeak. That’s when I moved in for the kill, hugging her and making sure her snout was pushed straight into my new chest. The jewels covering me probably dampened the feeling somewhat, but she definitely got a face full of heaven.

“It’s nice to see you again, Dashie,” I said, petting her mane. “I’m sorry I left for so long without saying anything, but you know how busy things get. There’s no need to be so… Are you turning purple because you can’t breathe or…” Her wings were fully extended, but she wasn’t struggling at all. I had a feeling she could breathe just fine. She might have just been a little overstimulated. I giggled and finally backed away. “Are you still upset, Dashie?”

“...You’re the worst, Nav.”

“Are you going to explain why you so rudely barged in?” Rarity asked.

“Why didn’t you take us to the Zone of Alienation with you?!” Dash demanded, stomping her hooves. “Gilda and Spike made it sound so cool! Aren’t I one of your employees?!”

“You’re on a contract-based thing, so you’re technically only my employee when we’re on the mission of hunting for the elementals. The Zone didn’t have any of those.”

“Yes it did! It had that prototype water elemental named Jonathan!”

“...I guess you could consider him that, but our mission wasn’t to retrieve him. That was a solely personal mission that had nothing to do with Equestria. Thus, I saw no reason to get you involved.”

“Then why did you invite Twilight?!”

“She asked if she could go. You didn’t. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“You didn’t even tell me you were going! How was I supposed to ask if I didn’t even know?!”

“As an employee, shouldn’t you take the initiative to learn your employer’s schedule to see if any opportunities for work might arise?” I asked with a smug grin.

“Don’t you try talking your way outta this one, missy! I’m gonna be mad at you and that’s final! Especially since, after Twilight told you I was mad, you just told her I’d probably get over it! You didn’t even care!”

“That’s not true. I did care, I just had more pressing things to deal with. Placating a contractor who is upset she—”

“You didn’t invite your friend on the coolest adventure ever!” Dash shouted. “What, did you think I’d be scared? Or that I’d just get in the way? Or did you not even think about me at all?!”

Obviously the last one. If I thought about how much of a pain this would be, I would have just invited you. “Everything we heard about the Zone painted it as the most dangerous place out there, outside of Tartarus,” I said. “We knew for a fact that several big groups tried breaking in, only to fail miserably. I picked my team with care. I knew the trip would be incredibly dangerous and that anyone who went had to have a purpose. You don’t have as much training in combat as the others. You don’t have as much training with fighting in groups. You don’t know as much about how magic in combat works. To be honest, the only thing you have above any of my soldiers, performance-wise, is speed. Since I knew solo flying missions would likely be either impossible or unnecessary, I didn’t see a reason to include you.”

“Didn’t you drag that deadweight princess with you?!”

“Princess Gilda joined us as part of her condition for helping us. She got us the location of the bunker, along with information about it and a guide to get us there. She also brought along several experienced bodyguards who could easily double as scouts. I didn’t want to put you at risk in an extremely dangerous situation when you weren’t even necessary for the mission.”

“...You brought Twilight, even though you already had plenty of powerful unicorns.”

“Because Twilight has knowledge about magic that not even Luna, my most experienced vassal, has.”

“Did you just say Luna is your vassal?” Rarity asked, butting in.

“It’s a long story, but yes. You can be mad at me if you want, Dash. But I’m sure you heard how dangerous it was. Sure, it makes for a fun story to tell, but we had to deal with some pretty spooky stuff.”

“Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall, sometimes,” Dash said, shaking her head. “You never give in, do you?”

“It’s part of my human nature. When I’m right about something, I don’t like budging on the issue. That means I just need to figure out the best tactic to either make everyone agree or to give up and leave me alone.”

“So your constant stream of excuses comes from your excessive pride?” Fleur asked. “I guess that makes sense. You’re too proud to admit to being wrong, so you come up with reason after reason that you have to be correct, even if some of the reasons are blatantly just made up on the spot.”

“But they’re usually all logically consistent, so you can almost never call her on it,” Rarity said. “It’s the most vexing thing ever! You called me difficult, but you’re the hardest one here to deal with!”

“That would sound like much more of a badge of honor coming from Pinkie, but I guess I’ll take it from the most sane inmate, too.”

“Wait, Rarity’s an inmate?” Dash asked. “Oh, is this about that time you both got arrested because of that bitch in Canterlot?” Fleur flinched.

“I’ve never been arrested in my life,” Rarity said, huffing. “Though Nav tried to convince me I had been, once.”

“I’m telling you, it really happened,” I said. “Celestia removed your memory of it happening because you got super pissed when she told us she just convicted us of treason for the fun of it. Anyway, can I get out of this gaudy thing yet? Don’t you still need to take my measurements?”

“I guess I’m done making you suffer for now,” Rarity said. “Go ahead and get undressed. Rainbow, try not to drool too much.”

“No promises,” she said, sitting down to watch me undress. Well, she ended up getting to watch Fleur undress me instead. Either way, she definitely enjoyed the show. “Whoa, Nav… You’re so squishy now! What happened?”

“Someone did magic to me while I was in the coma without permission. This is the result.” Her vision of my new sexy breasticles was partially blocked by Rarity’s measuring tape.

“I’m going to enjoy dressing you up like a cute little doll for the pageant!” Rarity said as she looked over the numbers. “Now that you can actually fill out dresses, there’s so much more I can do!”

“Please remember that you have less than a week left,” Fleur said.

“Any time crunch is worth it to make our lovely lady here as pretty as can be!” Rarity sweetly replied, her eyes (and measuring tape) sizing me up like prey. “Now that she may have a way back to being a man, I have to make the most of what time I have left!”

“Wait, what?!” Dash shouted, jumping back to her hooves.

“There’s probably an artifact in Tartarus I can use for it,” I replied with a grin. “That’ll be one of my goals when I go there.”

“When we go there!” Dash immediately said.

“Well, we as in me and several armies, yeah,” I said. “I’ll be the general of the multinational task force in charge of conquering Tartarus, or at least one of the people in the upper echelons of the command group. It’ll be fun.”

“We as in me too!” Dash shouted. “I’m definitely going, if there’s a whole bucking army going! Surely you’ll need scouts!”

“The Wonderbolts are part of the army. I’d have them to use as scouts. Dash… why would I want one of my most adorable friends to be in danger by going to a place like Tartarus or the Zone?”

“Uh… Because they’re cool? My adorableness doesn’t factor into my adventurous spirit!”

“Wait, who’s your most adorable friend?” Rarity asked. At this point, she was finally running out of things to measure and was paying more attention to talking than the numbers. “Is.. is it me?!”

“What? No, it’s Captain Midnight Blossom. The new Princess Celestia is number two. Dash is three.”

“Wait, she’s above me?!” Fleur demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“You’re not just a friend,” I said with a shrug. “So obviously you wouldn’t even be in the running for most adorable friend.”

“...I’m not even in the top three,” Rarity softly said, her ears sagging.

“Sorry, you don’t really have an adorable vibe,” I said. “You probably are my most beautiful friend, though. Fluttershy has you slightly beat in appearance alone, but your dignity, poise, and attitude are all much better.” That made her blush and giggle in delight. Fleur rolled her eyes and huffed.

“So my vibe is… adorable?” Dash asked, tilting her head. “I don’t buy it!”

“And that’s why your vibe will always be adorable,” Rarity said, nodding her head. “I can definitely agree with Nav that you’re near the top of the list in that category. If you were ever willing to give it a chance, I could make you look cuter than you ever thought possible! You’d be able to pick up any mare you set your eyes on. And I’m sure predators would love it even more!”

“It’s quite fun to prey on the adorable, defenseless little herbivores sometimes,” I said with a dirty grin. “It gets even better when they know how cute they are and just how to put it to use. I’m sure Rarity would be able to tame your inner tomboy, given enough time!”

“She sure hasn’t had good results with you yet, has she?” Dash asked. “She got you all dolled up, but you didn’t look very happy about it!”

“I don’t have an inner tomboy. I’m just outright originally a dude. Who knows? You might enjoy being adorable if you gave it a chance. I did give it a chance and it turns out, I don’t much care for it. Rarity just doesn’t care how I feel and enjoys making me suffer, so she does horrific things to me to satisfy her own whims.”

“Talking to you is so refreshing, Navi,” Rarity sweetly said, finally removing her measuring tape. “I get so, so many wonderful dress ideas! Maybe you should stay the rest of the day to help inspire me more!”

“I certainly wouldn’t want to impose,” I quickly said. “Besides, you have to hurry to finish before the competition, right? I’m positive Kat would find some ridiculous way to distract you.”

“Wait… Kat’s here?” Dash asked, looking around the room.

“She’s never seen a pet cat before, so she’s playing with Opal,” I said.

“Kat’s never seen a cat? I mean, alright, I guess. Uh… Are you sure she’s not hiding traps?”

“She has really good hearing, by the way,” I said. Dash’s eyes slammed open. “She also enjoys eavesdropping. So, you know, keep that in mind. Rarity, am I all measured?”

“Indeed you are, my lady! I’ll get to work on the clothes today!”

“Excellent.”

Fleur magically produced the dress I came in with and forced me into it. I honestly didn’t want to put it back on, but escaping Rarity’s abode meant I’d have to deal with fewer dresses later. I just really hoped I wouldn’t run into anyone else before Twilight got done talking.

“So, Rainbow Dash, how did you know Nav was here?” Rarity asked. “Or were you actually coming to see me?”

“Twilight told me,” Dash said. “She said since Nav probably wouldn’t try to contact any of us, that we should meet her! I think she’s going to Fluttershy next, then Applejack. We both assumed Pinkie already knows and is just biding her time.”

“Shall we find a train heading back to Canterlot?” I asked, looking over at Fleur.

“Um. Don’t you want to see your friends?” Fleur asked.

“There’s a time and a place for all things,” I sagely replied. “I agreed to come to Ponyville to get measured because I figured we could probably get it done quickly and get out. I only got out of the coma last night. I have a bunch of things that need to get done. Seeing everyone would be neat, but it’s not really in the cards for a while.”

“Sounds like an excuse,” Rarity said.

“A pretty lame one, at that,” Dash helpfully pointed out.

“It’s not like running would work, anyway,” Pinkie Pie added. Everyone but me jumped when she spoke up, since nobody noticed her appear. Not even I could pick out the moment when she arrived, almost as though she had been there the whole time. “I mean, Twilight can just bring you right back, can’t she?”

“W-where did you—” Fleur started, but I put my finger over her lips and shook my head. Her fearful eyes reflected my own, but she seemed to get the message.

“Hello, Pinkie,” I said, trying to put on a proper smile. I also finally removed my finger from Fleur’s face. “You’re not abusing your powers too much, are you?”

“It’s not like you could stop me if I was, silly!” she replied with a cute giggle. “How are you feeling, Navi? It looks like your beauty sleep did wonders!”

“I’m feeling pretty swanky. Fleur, how far can you teleport?”

“Oh, not at all,” she replied. “That magic is fairly advanced. Being able to teleport between Ponyville and Canterlot is fairly remarkable.”

Fuck. And I can’t risk flying back after my wings just grew in. I’d probably make it, but I don’t want to risk it. Pinkie suddenly shot forward and hugged me. “You’re trapped here, Navi!” she said, cuddling me close. “Might as well enjoy it!”

“If you throw me a party, I’ll make Kat ruin it,” I replied, hugging her back.

“Should you really make such a cute kitty do something so cruel?” Rarity asked.

“I’ll ask her to laugh as cutely as possible while doing it,” I said. Pinkie was showing no signs of getting bored of hugging me, so I released her and let her do as she pleased. “Besides, I don’t think that’ll be necessary. I think my point has been made and the lesson has been learned.”

“I’ll never give up,” Pinkie whispered. It was quiet enough that only I could hear it.

“I’ll never break,” I just as quietly whispered. She giggled and rubbed her cheek against my own for a moment before finally releasing me.

“Now hugging you is as fun for me as it is for you!” Pinkie said. “How about that slumber party, hm?”

“Nav hasn’t been to one of ours yet, has she?” Rarity asked with a grin. “I’m sure we could do so much—”

“Pass,” I immediately replied. “I got dragged into one with Cadance and Celestia. It was all the slumber party I needed in my lifetime.”

“Wait, Celestia forced you to attend a slumber party?” Fleur asked. “I thought you were unfriendly toward her?”

“It was complicated, and a while ago. She caught me off guard with how she acted when I got back after a while. Turns out, she was trying to seduce me so I could be more easily controlled.”

“When are we just gonna get rid of her already?” Dash petulantly asked.

“Let me worry about that, please,” I said. “Trust me when I say that things are handled, Dash.”

“The one who most deserves the revenge should be the one who decides the punishment,” Rarity said with a big grin. “Fret not, Rainbow. I’m sure Nav won’t disappoint us.”

“Speak for yourself!” Pinkie said. “She didn’t even invite us to the super cool coma! Taya got to go, but not me!”

“Wait, you let Taya join your coma, but not us?” Dash asked.

“Taya and I needed an opportunity to be more upfront and honest with each other,” I said. “The coma gave us a good chance to communicate. I wouldn’t share that bonding experience with anyone else. You’re better off getting mad about not getting invited to the bunker, instead. At least then you might have an argument.”

“I’d never have an argument against you, Nav,” Pinkie said. “You’d shoot it down in a heartbeat and keep on avoiding blame the best you can!”

Holy shit, am I actually still in the coma? “We really probably shouldn’t keep disturbing Rarity’s business like this,” I said. “If Twilight’s going to continue being difficult, I’m going to need breakfast. Fleur, shall we go looking for any diner that isn’t Sugarcube Corner?”

“Nope!” Pinkie replied for her. “Let’s go, Navi!” She grabbed my hand and started dragging me away. “The Cakes are gonna love your cute dress!”

“I can’t leave without my pet kitty,” I said.

Kat finally made herself known, almost instantly appearing at my side. “I have returned to your side, my lady.” Her eyes flickered to Pinkie for a moment before turning to my own. “Can I be of service?”

“Apparently I’m getting kidnapped and force-fed.”

“...Do you need saving?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not a match for Pinkie.”

“Wait, what?” Fleur butted in. “Are you… joking? Or are you… surely you’re joking!”

“You just heard me tell Rarity what kind of place Ponyville is. Pinkie is Celestia’s super secret trump card. You know how friendship is magic? Well, Pinkie has the most friends. With all of those people believing in her, she’s unbelievably powerful. The reason she isn’t beating Discord is because she’s using it as a trial for me to overcome to be a true hero.”

“You really shouldn’t just reveal a mare’s power level, Navi,” Pinkie said, gently slapping me with a hoof. “Besides, now she really thinks you’re joking!” Fleur was starting to look concerned.

“Must be nice,” Dash said with a sigh. “I wish I could believe Nav was joking… Living around someone who’s so powerful and impossible to escape from can be so nerve-wracking!” Pinkie’s smile deepened and I saw hints of the mania entering her eyes.

“Girls, hush!” Rarity hissed. “Some things shouldn’t be discussed…” At this point, Fleur actually seemed afraid. She was staring at Pinkie in terror.

“Fleur has experience with secrets that shouldn’t be discovered,” I said. “Don’t worry, she’s intelligent. That’s why she’ll force herself to believe we’re just joking. Isn’t that right?”

“...Let’s go get breakfast,” Fleur nervously replied. “It seems I must have blanked out for a moment. I thought I heard the most fanciful story, but for some reason, I can’t seem to recall it…”

“I’m sure a load of sugar will help brighten up your morning!” Pinkie sang, continuing to drag me along. When we finally got outside, Rarity waved us off. Pinkie finally stopped dragging me and let Kat claim my arm. Dash and Pinkie led the way into town. Kat and I followed behind them. Fleur brought up the rear, casting furtive glances toward Pinkie, but quickly looking away.

“Say the word and I cover your escape,” Kat whispered, purposefully making it loud enough for Fleur to hear. “I’ll distract her as long as I can, but…”

“I won’t let you sacrifice yourself here pointlessly,” I replied just as quietly. “I still wouldn’t be able to escape. Once the pink devil has you in her sights, it’s over.”

“Forgive my lack of vigilance, my lady. I allowed this thing to get so close without even realizing…”

“It can’t be helped. We’re talking about Pinkie, after all.”

Fleur was starting to sweat bullets. Kat and I ignored it.

Several of Ponyville’s residents were already out and about. Some were preparing for Winter Wrap Up. A few were starting to set up various stalls. All of them stopped what they were doing to stare at us. Well, they started staring at us, but all of their eyes naturally gravitated toward me.

I had a feeling nobody was expecting that ugly monster Twilight summoned to end up as an incredibly powerful noble lady. They probably would have treated me more nicely if they had. Most of the townspeople didn’t trust me and didn’t much care for me at the start. I slowly grew on them, but I definitely left for a reason.

The stares bore on me, but when Kat realized I was looking down, she purred and rubbed her head against my neck. “Relax, my lady,” she whispered. “These ants mean nothing to one who towers over them.”

Darya, ease my mind.

“Willpower buffed,” she replied in my head. “Be at ease, my lady. Their stares are of adoration, not fear, pity, or anger. You have accomplished much. You are a hero of this land. Wear that title with dignity and confidence.”

My eyes finally looked back up, only to find Dashie flying backwards in front of me. “So do those new wings actually work?” she asked. “They look really flimsy.”

“They do, but I’m going to wait a while longer to do more thorough tests. They just grew back, so I’m going to give them a little more time to make sure they’re completely mature.”

“Are they fast?”

“Nope.”

“Tch, boring. What about the tail?”

“I would show it off, but a lady should never lift her dress in public. The other tail had spikes in it, but I never got to use them. This one has a single spike. The tail itself is very flexible, almost like a tentacle. I’m not completely used to controlling it, though. I’m also going to give it more time before I do too many tests.”

“Hm… So why are your eyes so much prettier now?”

“Because your crush is getting stronger, silly!” Pinkie replied, giggling. “Everypony knows the mare you’re in love with always looks prettier!” Of course, that made Dash turn bright red and start stuttering like crazy, but we didn’t pay her any mind.

When she had finally given up trying to make us believe Pinkie was mistaken, I said, “Something in me changed at the bunker. My eyes turned bright green and my hair changed as well. It’s possible I’ll look very different come spring.”

“Very different as in covered in bark?” Dash asked.

“No, my hair might be full of flowers. I guess we’ll see.”

“Speaking of which, that portrait of yours is absolutely gorgeous!” Fleur said. Apparently she was comfortable enough to join the conversation, finally.

“As soon as I saw it, I wanted to burn down everything,” I replied. “Kat managed to restrain me.”

“So when are you going to invite us to your new pad?” Dash asked. “Or are we too low class for you now?”

“Dash, you don’t need to feel bad for being a peasant. I don’t judge you for it, I promise.”

“There are some nobles who might be very offended if you said something like that, though,” Fleur said. “Though you wouldn’t find any noble like that around Nav in the first place. She utterly terrified their leader at a party I hosted, so that faction avoids her.”

“I kinda sorta vaguely remember what you’re talking about. If I’m thinking of the right guy, he was bullying Blossom. I obviously had to defend her.”

“...You threatened to murder him.”

“So what? I’ve threatened to murder you, too.”

“Most ponies would balk at that!” Dash yelled. “Nav, you can’t just go around threatening to murder everyone!”

“Fleur was threatening to bully Taya. I obviously had to defend her.”

“Oh, actually, that is a decent enough reason,” Dashie said. “Fair enough, I guess.”

“Despite appearances, we used to be enemies,” Fleur said. “In fact, there was a time when I had Nav and Rarity arrested for treason…”

“Good times, huh?” I said with a grin.

“...I guess you have to make all kinds of friends when you become a noble, huh?” Dash slowly muttered.

“No, she ambushed me with adorableness after her usual bitchiness attacks wore off.”

“And obviously you can’t defend against that,” Pinkie said. “Ponies have gotta be your natural enemy, huh?”

“It took me a very long time to find any pony other than Applebloom adorable. Even now, my standard is pretty high. There are a few who can make it, but not many.”

“Are you saying adorableness is your weakness?” Dash asked.

“Obviously,” Pinkie said. “It’s a shame I’ve never been able to make use of it…”

“An eldritch horror is an eldritch horror, no matter what body it’s hiding in,” I said.

“It’s not very fun to play with someone who’s afraid of you,” Pinkie said. “Come on, Navi! There’s no need to be afraid. I won’t hurt you anymore, promise!”

“Does that mean you’ll stop doing things that normal people would find impossible? Because I take mental damage every time I witness it. When you dragged Vinyl Scratch into the ground right in front of me all those years ago, I almost pissed myself. Besides, even if it’s not very fun, it obviously hasn’t been stopping you.”

“Obviously I can’t do that. I mean, it’s not like I even understand how any of what I do works. I just wanna do something, so I do it!”

“That’s the definition of how true magic works,” I said. “Celestia told me that the waking world is like a dream and that for those who are lucid, changing reality is as simple as willing it. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that magic is deeply connected to madness. After all, one would have to be mad to even consider changing reality using willpower alone.”

“...What does that say about Twilight?” Dash slowly asked.

“Do you remember what happened that time she thought she was late for her friendship report?” I asked. “No offense to her, but she has a few screws loose somewhere.” I’m sure Dash probably wanted to retort, but the entrance bell for Sugarcube Corner cut her off and made her stay silent. Unfortunately, it was opening because Twilight was walking out. And man, did she look peeved.

“Mad, am I?” Twiggles asked in a voice much calmer than she looked.

“I started my statement with no offense, so I won’t allow you to take any,” I said. “Especially after siccing Pinkie on me.”

“No, she tracked you down on her own. I just knew she would bring you here. I was coming out to greet you when I got to hear something quite interesting. How exactly are you going to stop me from taking offense?”

The thought of kissing her crossed my mind, but I wasn’t sure if that was the best idea in front of all the people staring at us. Plus, Kat was still clinging to me. So instead I decided to compromise. “By not taking offense to the one you did sic on me. Now that I think about it, using a friend against another friend is also an act of madness, so it kinda proves my point anyway. Now, since I was dragged here, we might as well eat.”

“You weren’t dragged anywhere,” Twilight said, scoffing a little.

“That’s because I started cooperating,” I replied with a sigh. “I can’t just be seen getting dragged around town in a net anymore.”

“It’s getting more and more difficult for me to believe you’re joking,” Fleur nervously said.

“It’s for the best that you just keep believing the lie, Fleur. Don’t think about it.” With that statement, I finally started walking toward the door. The warm air and smell of cake was beckoning me. Twilight probably still wasn’t all that happy, but I did start by saying no offense. So really, getting mad was all on her.

To be honest, I wasn’t too surprised to see Applejack and Fluttershy waiting for us at a booth. Both of them looked pretty shocked, though. I doubt they were expecting to see me dressed like that. That, and I now had fairy wings. Thankfully, there weren’t too many other customers at the moment. The place was more of a bakery than a restaurant, after all.

Pinkie bustled us over toward the booth, but there was definitely no way we’d all fit. Twilight solved that problem by magicking a table over. I’m sure Kat wanted to corner me in the booth to keep me to herself… and safe, I guess, but the mix of having wings and wearing a fancy dress meant there was no way I could sit there. Instead, I made the wise choice of taking the chair at the head of the table. That way, I wouldn’t have Twilight or Fleur trying to show off by leaning against me and glaring at the other.

Of course, that didn’t stop them from claiming the chairs closest to me, allowing them to directly glare at each other instead.

Fluttershy was kind enough to break that tension by saying, “That dress looks lovely on you, my lady.”

“Thank you. But I’d like none of you to call me that. And please don’t compliment my clothes. I’m still of the mindset that being lovely is… weird. It’s nice to see you two again.”

“I heard you were taking a long nap,” Applejack said. “You wake up feelin’ better?”

“Yes, my head feels much more clear. Pinkie, all I ask is that you go low on the sugar, at least for me.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” she said. “I’ll be back soon!” With that, she trotted off to the kitchen.

“So, Nav… About Pinkie…” Fleur quietly said.

“It’s best not to talk about Pinkie,” Applejack said. “Besides, Nav’s more interesting right now. I heard you were building a school out near the Everfree.”

“You heard right,” I said. “I’m working with the changelings and Twilight to build a university. It’ll be part of step one in turning the Everfree into something livable.”

“Are you seriously gonna try taming that place?” Dash asked.

“I’m going to tame it,” I said. “No need for the word try. Now that I know the secret behind it, it’s only a matter of dealing with the monsters and clearing the corruption in sections. Turns out, the Everfree is a grove built by a tree sister ally of Luna’s who suicide-bombed Celestia’s old capital in a revenge attack for banishing Luna. I actually need to ask Luna how that talk went.”

“The tree sister wants to speak with you,” Twilight said. “It slipped my mind, with everything else. From what Luna was saying, she’ll need one of your seeds to revive.”

“I’ll go out there with Luna after I make my next one, then.”

“Your… seed?” Fleur said. “Is that in any way related to those magically blooming cherry blossom trees behind your house?”

“Yes. Don’t worry about it. Fluttershy, there are probably a lot of animals in the Everfree that don’t classify as monsters. Is it true you’re building an animal sanctuary?”

“With Luna’s help, it’s already done,” Fluttershy replied with a smile. “I was surprised when she showed up at my door, but she ended up being very helpful! I don’t know if she took any of my lessons to heart, though…”

“Thank you for trying,” I said. “If you ever need her help again, please borrow her and drill those lessons into her skull. That mare is utterly terrifying.”

“Didn’t you make her a vassal, though?” Applejack asked. “Why, if you’re that scared of her?”

“I didn’t have a choice. My body was taken over by an insane water elemental who forced me to make Luna a vassal. I haven’t rescinded it because I’ve decided I’d rather have her under my control than letting her be on her own with her mentality and powers. She’s way too dangerous.”

“Do you really think you can keep her under control?” Dash asked.

“Yes, of course. The thing Luna most wants is to be kept under control. As long as I don’t give her too much leeway, she almost definitely won’t do anything inexcusable. Also, I’ve cleansed all the elementals of corruption, so they probably won’t go insane anymore. One is in her, so she should be safe.”

“That’s the second time you mentioned corruption,” Fluttershy said. “What’s wrong with the Everfree? And what was wrong with the elementals?”

“Two different types of corruption,” Twilight said. “In the Everfree, the tree sister cursed her seed with dark magic. When she planted it, the area around her started filling with dark magic. This brought in dangerous monsters and magical beings that thrived in it. In that case, the corruption is a curse.”

“And the elementals had corrupt programming,” I said. “As human machines, they were initially imperfect. Over time, they degraded. A lot of the degradation was in their internal programming, which dictated how they behaved. This corruption caused aberrant behavior like body-snatching, threatening to turn me into a happy mother, and promising to slowly warp my mind over time until there’s nothing left of the original me but a memory. We found a different human machine at the bunker that was designed with the ability to repair corruption, so we used it to fix the elementals.”

“...So you can really clean up the Everfree?” Applejack asked, her eyes going wide, completely ignoring my mental trauma. “Are you actually gonna put a town there?”

“That remains to be seen. I’ll definitely have roads and train tracks built through it. That’ll cut travel time down by a ton to some places and it has to be done before I can think about building anything. Plus, there’s a whole bunch of spooky shit in there that needs to be thoroughly investigated and either destroyed or blocked off.”

“We don’t need another storm of Pinkies, that’s for sure,” Applejack said.

“Wait, storm of Pinkies?” Fleur asked. “Now I simply have to know!”

“Pinkie found a magic cloning pool,” I said. “A good chunk of the town got damaged. We had to call Celestia in to murder them all. I think that’s technically a state secret, though, so you didn’t hear it from me.”

“...So this is what a town made as a mad science project feels like,” Fleur said. “Ponyville seems quite interesting.”

“It’s not a place for the faint of heart,” I said. “People randomly burst through windows, sometimes things fall from the sky, spontaneous song magic hits about once a week, villains show up every now and then, and it’s usually one of the mares you see before you at the center of it.”

“You attract more trouble than any of us,” Fluttershy said. “Are you really happier in Canterlot than you were here?”

“It’s less about location and more about mentality. I bought and paid for the house I have right now and built up a group of reliable subordinates who are happy to do my bidding. Of course I’m happier now. But do you really think I could sustain all of my retainers in Ponyville? And do you really think Ponyville would be happy having a large group of dangerous strangers showing up all of a sudden? Even in Canterlot, the amount of soldiers I have on staff is unheard of.”

“I think Ponyville would be happy to get a contingent of well-trained guards,” Fluttershy said. “You just mentioned that villains show up, and yet the princess hasn’t sent anypony but Twilight to help protect us.”

“Then who does that mare with the weird eyes work for?” Kat asked. “She’s a grey pegasus with blond hair. She appears to be a very well-trained operative who watches my lady and I every time we’re in Ponyville. I assumed she was Celestia’s eyes on the town.”

“What, do you mean Derpy?” Dash asked. “No bucking way! She’s far too clumsy!”

“That’s what I meant by well-trained,” Kat said. “It’s an act. Since she’s had a few years to work on it, I didn’t notice at first. Could she be a changeling spy?”

“She’s definitely not,” Twilight said. “After we found out Bon-Bon was a changeling, I used magic to check for more. She was the only one in Ponyville. But… could she really be working for Celestia?”

“That would explain a lot of things,” I said. “Remember that time I played Santa? She was the only person awake when I came by, and she gave me cookies and milk as though she was expecting me. And a little while later, I found her in a top secret testing facility in Canterlot while I was provoking Cadance into ruining her name. I was too busy at the time to pay it any mind, but if she actually does work for the throne, it would make sense. But it’s rude to probe into someone’s backstory. And it’s dumb to fuck with a royal agent. It’s much better to not be noticed by Celestia, after all.”

“When are you just gonna cut her head off, already?” Dash asked.

“Don’t you worry your adorable little head about it, Dashie,” I said. I would have booped her, but she was sitting too far away. “Also, it’s probably best not to talk about treason in public.”

“Celestia is… no longer a threat,” Twilight said. “The less that’s said about it, the better.”

“So… can we expect more magic fruit when you tame the Everfree?” Applejack asked. I guess that was one way to change the subject.

“Yes. Speaking of which, there’s a fruit in there for you, Fleur. It enables pregnancy.”

“...I might like your assistance in obtaining some in the future,” she quietly replied.

“Be careful with that stuff,” Applejack said. “It uh… it might make you do something embarrassing.”

Pinkie came out pushing a small trolley of food. At the moment, there were just a few dozen muffins on it. She deposited those on our table and quickly trotted back to the kitchen to work even more of her magic.

“So… are these actually safe to eat?” Fleur whispered.

“Yes, they’re perfectly fine for ponies. Kat and I might get too much sugar, though. Besides, this is almost definitely just the opening act. I mean, some of these don’t even have icing on them. It’s not a Pinkie breakfast if at least half of it isn’t sugar.”

“Muffins without mental trauma are the best,” Kat said, nomming one. “They taste so much better when I’m not dying on the inside!” Thankfully, everyone ignored Kat’s drama.

Since the taste-tester was still alive, the others started chowing down. I thought about it, but I had a feeling Pinkie had something ridiculous in store for me and I’d need plenty of room for it.

“So how are you planning on cleaning up the forest?” Fluttershy asked. “Is there any way I can help?”

“One of the courses I want to teach at the university is monster hunting. I can use the hunters to clear sections of the forest at a time, then cleanse the corruption so monsters don’t congregate. I’m not sure if there would be anything you can do, but after all the monsters are gone, there will be plenty of room for normal animals to move in. If any of the safe creatures in your conservation want a new home, they’d be welcome. It’ll probably be a while before I start developing anything more than roads.”

“I’ll see if I can find any colonists,” Fluttershy replied with a nod. “It’ll be hard to convince them to return to the Everfree, so I might need your help to protect them until they understand the monsters are gone.”

“I’m not sure what all I can do, but I’ll at least try.” The seeds I was going to plant to counteract the corruption should keep monsters away, if I was understanding correctly. The timberwolves were also intelligent, so I could try to work with them as well. It made me regret leaving my pet timber puppy behind, but they can’t survive too far away from the forest anyway. “Applejack, you think the local farmers would be willing to sell food to the university? I know some of the ponies around here don’t like change, and a university showing up out of nowhere is a pretty big one.”

“That ain’t gonna be a problem,” she replied. “You’ve helped Equestria plenty. Plus, you’ve recommended all of our businesses enough while you were in Canterlot that we’ve had a pretty big uptick. This town may be a hotspot for trouble, but just about everypony who works here is an expert in their craft. Thanks to all the extra business, I’m sure we can sell things to you at a nice discount.”

“Good. Would you mind if I turned Ponyville into a massive trading hub?”

“...Yeah, I would,” she slowly said. “Please don’t do that.”

“Why Ponyville?” Fluttershy asked. She had a little bit of muffin on her cheek, which we all ignored.

“I know the people here, including the mayor. It’s close to my official territory and also close to Canterlot. Despite the town being a hotspot for trouble, just about everybody who works here is an expert in their craft. I figured if the place became a trading hub, they could more easily export their goods to earn higher prices. I’d work as the middleman who transports the goods via train, airship, or other means. I figured it would be wise to ask some actual residents before I do any more in-depth planning.”

“Using my own words against me is dirty,” Applejack said, but she was smiling. “You ain’t wrong that we could earn more money that way, but… None of us produce enough for that. You know this town is small, Nav. Most businesses only have one or two specialized employees. We have our hooves full with just the work we’re doing now.”

“She’s right,” Pinkie said from right next to me. Suddenly she was putting a plate in front of me. The entire thing was covered in a massive Belgian waffle with plenty of syrup, blueberries, and a smiley face made of whipped cream. “The Cakes stay fully booked. So does Rarity. Bon Bon’s candy store always sells out every day. The spa sisters always have at least a week’s worth of appointments before their next availability. Ponyville isn’t big enough for your ambitions, Navi.” With that final dream-killing statement, she hoofed me a fork that looked wholly inadequate to handle the giant waffle before me. Still, it was my job as a noble to show the lowly peasants how it’s done, so I took that fork and prepared myself.

“...Can you really eat all that?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie believes in me. That means I have no choice. Besides, I noticed last night that I can eat more now. The new body I got can handle more.”

“You’re a growing young lady,” Pinkie said, patting my head gently. “Enjoy, Navi!”

Thankfully, I hadn’t let the muffins tempt me. I began carving into the waffle, determined not to lose to the pink menace. She giggled and trotted back off to the kitchen, surely plotting to force even more sugar on me.

That said, the waffle was delicious.

Though it stopped being fun when Twilight and Fleur decided to take turns feeding me. Dashie’s jealous glances were adorable, though Kat’s jealous glances were a little spooky.

Once the behemoth of a waffle was gone, Pinkie swooped the plate up and replaced it with a plate full of tiny chocolate chip flapjacks. The butter was still melting into them. This time, she placed some syrup on the side.

“Pinkie, are you the true final boss?” I asked.

“I’m simply a stepping stone on your path, silly! If you can’t defeat the boss of the starting village, how can you ever hope to defeat the secret hidden bosses like Arachne and Hera?”

“No one said anything about losing,” I said, taking up my mighty fork once more. “Hera’s powerup has given me the strength it takes to finally bring you down!” Fleur was watching on, utterly mystified. Twilight was face hoofing in disappointment. Kat was utterly focused on the muffins. Dash and Fluttershy were watching and giggling. Applejack blended into the background too much for me to pay attention to.

“We’ll see about that,” Pinkie said, giggling ominously. She pushed her trolley back to the kitchen, still giggling like crazy.

“Where are the Cakes?” Applejack asked. “Shouldn’t they be stopping her?”

“This contest is basically to see what happens first,” I said. “Either I tap out and admit defeat or the Cakes catch Pinkie using all of their stock and yell at her.” Darya, buff my stomach! I don’t know if she actually did anything, but I began eating the delicious flapjacks in a way that was only slightly becoming of a lady. At the very least, I didn’t get any syrup or butter on my face or dress.

“I can see why you chose to move to Canterlot,” Fleur said. “Pinkie is quite the interesting pony, it seems.”

“She’s a pink demon,” I said between bites. Apparently that was enough for Twiggles and Fleur to start feeding me again, laughing all the while. Since it was just one of the consequences that comes from accidentally building a harem, I had to put up with it. I was starting to feel full, but I knew I could resist a few more waves.

The next round was a large peach parfait. It was amazing.

After that was a quiche full of cheese. My inner southerner devoured it in a heartbeat.

The final boss was something Pinkie called a sweet potato apple bake. It had sweet potatoes, apples, various nuts, and honey all baked into a sweet bread. It was super thick and very yummy, but I felt uncomfortably full when I was finished.

As soon as I set my fork down, Pinkie removed the plate with a huge grin on her face. I took a moment to clean my mouth with a napkin before staring down at Pinkie. “Thank you for breakfast. It was definitely food.”

“Yep, it sure was!” she happily replied. “You did it, Nav! You managed to hold out until Cup Cake found me! How’s it feel?”

“Like I’m a true winner,” I said, finally relaxing in my seat. “And also a little bloated. I haven’t eaten that much in… well, for as long as I can remember, actually. What the hell, did my tree sister evolution kick off again? I wonder if it’s being stored magically somehow?”

“I dunno,” Pinkie said. “By the way, here’s the bill!” She set it down on the table and then disappeared. Everyone else had gotten their own things aside from muffins, so the tab was probably pretty high. I didn’t even have a chance to look at it before two different magical grips covered it.

“I’m the one who invited Nav to Ponyville,” Fleur said with a serene smile as she stared Twilight down. “It’s only fair that I pick up any expenses related to it.”

“I’m the one who made sure Nav stayed in town long enough to get dragged here,” Twilight said. She had on a very sweet grin, though her eyes were glaring at Fleur. “I think it’s only fair that the one with a reliable source of income covers the tab.”

“I can’t let someone cover the bill every time,” I said. “Doppel packed me some bits. I’m sure I can…” I reached down to my coin purse, but it was already floating away, covered in a purple aura. “Um.”

Twilight’s horn lit up brighter and the bits vanished. “I sent them back home,” Twiggles said. “Don’t worry, sweetie. You don’t need to pay for anything when you’re on a date with me.”

“That sounds a little condescending, not gonna lie,” I said.

“Sorry, I should have started with no offense. Anyway, I think this is something Fleur and I can work out between ourselves!”

“Clinginess is unappealing,” Fleur said. “Nav may enjoy being controlled in some instances, but not in all.”

“Yeah, that was kinda rude,” I said. “But fine, you two figure it out on your own.”

“...It suddenly seems so petty now,” Fleur said with a sigh. “I concede.”

Twilight grinned in triumph and finally floated the bill over. As soon as she saw the number on it, her smile twitched a little. “W-well… I guess I w-win, huh?” For some reason, she was sweating slightly. Her horn lit up and a mound of bits appeared on the table where the stack of muffins used to be. “I guess I need to push up my publishing schedule…”

Fleur smirked and said, “It truly was a delightful breakfast. Thank you for covering the bill, Miss Twiley!”

“...Yeah.”

To be fair, if I had been the one to pay, I would have needed to hit a bank. I wasn’t expecting it to be that expensive, but we had eaten quite a lot. But whatever, it wasn’t my problem. “So, I think it might be time to get back to Canterlot.”

“Why are you always in such a hurry to leave us behind?” Dash asked.

Because you’re annoying in large doses? “I just got out of the coma yesterday afternoon. It’s good to see friends again, but I have noble duties to do, plus personal business to take care of. And if I’m lucky, I can still walk Taya to school. That’ll help settle my stomach. Why are you always in a hurry to make me sound like a naughty girl instead of taking my words in a better light?”

“What? Going to Canterlot would mean leaving us behind! I wasn’t making you sound naughty!”

“But you did sound accusatory,” Fluttershy said, patting Dash’s shoulder. “Lady Navarone is very busy.”

“If you do go starting a business, there are things the ponies here might want to import,” Applejack said. “Ask around and I’m sure you can find all kinds of things the ponies here need but have to go to a bigger city to get.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. “I have a few possible things in mind to fix it, but it’ll require more thought. Fleur, Twilight, you ready to go?”

“I am,” Fleur said. She had been devouring donuts, but managed to avoid any sugar on her face at all. It was impressive.

“Yep, I’m ready,” Twilight said with a nod. “I did my duty by forcing you to see everyone.”

Thanks, Obama. I finally stood and smoothed over my dress. It sucks that this action is becoming automatic. “It was good to see everyone again.” Kat almost instantly appeared at my side, of course.

“You’ll definitely have to come to the pageant,” Fleur said as she stood. “Navi’s gonna be so cute!” Joke’s on you, I’m gonna lose on purpose.

“Since Nav definitely won’t tell you when, I’ll send you formal invitations later,” Twilight said as she removed herself from her seat. “Rarity’s gonna make her adorable!” Yep, shoulda just died at birth.

“I’ll definitely be there!” Dash said. “I gotta see Nav all dolled up!”

“You sound as bad as Rarity,” Applejack said, shaking her head. “Though I do kinda wanna see it… Maybe I’ll bring the whole family!”

“I’ll definitely be cheering for you,” Fluttershy said with a warm smile. “You’ve come so far, my lady!” Didn’t I just tell you not to call me that?

“I’m mostly just competing as a formality,” I said. “Plus, Fleur and Kat basically forced me into it for their own sick amusement.”

“Blossom was there, too,” Kat was quick to say.

“You know I can’t stay angry at her. Anyway, the point is, don’t expect much out of me at the competition. I probably won’t last long, unless the game somehow gets rigged in my favor.” I stared quite pointedly at Fleur. “Which isn’t going to happen, right?”

“Of course not,” she said. “This is an attempt to bring the races together. Rigging the competition would defeat the purpose, especially if we rigged it toward the one who came up with the idea, who also happens to be the only member of her race. There were some who didn’t even want to let you compete, after what happened in the tournaments at the Europe parties. Needless to say, there are enough vigilant eyes to ensure no cheating happens.”

“Good. Farewell for now. Twilight?”

“I’ll see you all soon!” she said. With that, her horn lit up and we appeared back in my anteroom.

Chapter Two Hundred and Two

Chapter Two Hundred and Two

“So, what’s the truth about Pinkie?” Fleur immediately asked.

Twilight and I shared a glance. After a second, she rubbed her shoulder and looked back at Fleur. “It really is best not to discuss her. Just think of it all as a lie. You’re better off that way.”

“Agreed,” I said. “Just put her out of your mind and hope you can avoid her in the future.”

“You’re making it more and more difficult for me to just look the other way, but alright,” Fleur said. “Now that our business is finished, I have other things I should attend to. I’ll call on you again soon, my lady.”

“I might not be here, but I’ll definitely see you soon.”

Fleur jumped up to kiss me. I kissed her back, which made Twilight a little bit antsy. When Fleur pulled away, she nuzzled me for a moment before stepping back. “Stay safe, Navi. I know some unsavory types have been watching your house.”

“It’ll take a lot to get through my defenses, and even if I do get captured, Flo and Darya can track me.”

“I’ll never allow anyone to sully our lady,” Kat said. “So you need not worry.”

“Right, of course…” With that, Kat went to let Fleur out.

Before Kat could return, Doppel joined us and bowed. “You have a guest, my lady. She’s in the sun room.”

“I’ll talk to her. Has Taya left yet?”

“She has, I’m afraid. Did you run into trouble at Ponyville?”

“Twilight was being difficult, so it took a little longer than expected.” The named mare huffed at me, but that was fine. “I guess I’ll go talk to this guest, then.” Doppel bowed and Twilight and I walked into the next room.

The first thing I saw was the mare from the tower who lost her horn. She was sitting directly across from the door so she could see me as soon as I came downstairs. At the moment, however, she was staring down at the table, tears leaking down her eyes.

God dammit, I don’t wanna deal with this. Before I could turn around, Twilight butted around me and entered the room. Her stupidly loud hooves made the mare look up. The look on her face when she saw me was very… desperate. I considered walking away even though she had seen me, but internally sighed and followed Twilight to the mare.

While walking, I took a look around the room. Watcher, Sentinel, and some of their soldiers were surrounding a table. Luna was chilling at a table all by herself. So was Silver Quill, who apparently returned from her journey abroad.

I really didn’t want the mare from the tower to get too close to me, so I stopped at the far side of the table and said, “So, how can I help you?”

“I have… lost everything, Nav—er, my lady. With my horn went my position in the tower. With my position gone, I have no place to go. Without magic, I have no useful skills.”

“Nice sob story,” I said. “Now what do you want.”

Twilight swished me with her tail. “Nav, be nice!”

“Hey, this was her own fault,” I said. “If they had listened to us, none of this would have happened.”

“I am not here to blame you,” the mare said. “It was our arrogance that led to our fall. Our tower is now wracked with internal conflict. I am here with a warning and an offer.”

“Alright, I’m listening,” I said.

“I know that you had nothing to do with our dilemma, but there are many who believe you did. It is possible that some might pay you a visit.”

“The tower heads are against it, though,” I said. “Taya’s really enjoying her classes. Is this something we need to worry about?”

“She will be safe,” the mare immediately said. “All of the factions agreed that Taya is to be completely left alone. She is there to be educated, not used as a pawn. Her potential is too great to squander in such a way.”

“Forgive me if that doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Well, that is part of why I am here,” she said. “Despite my lack of magic, my breadth of knowledge is vast. I also still have all of my old possessions, including every edition of every magic book the mage’s tower has ever known.”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere,” I said, grinning. I reached forward and pulled a seat out so I could sit. I scooched back in and leaned forward onto the table. “That sounds like just the beginning, to me!”

She grinned and finally used a tissue to clean off her face. It was obvious she was awkward with her hooves. I suppose a lifetime of only using magic would do that to you. “I would like to tutor your daughter,” she said. “Here, in your own house. She is gifted, my lady. With my personal attention dedicated solely to her, I could teach her volumes!”

“Uh huh. Twilight, thoughts?”

She joined me at the table, but she didn’t lean in. “That’s not too terrible of an offer, Nav. It makes sure that Taya is safe from the tower. And it gives this one a chance to atone for what she did.”

“And I get a stable livelihood again,” the mare said with the barest hints of a grin.

“So, question,” I said. “Well, first… Twilight, anti-lying, please?”

“Already done,” she said with a grin.

“Good, just checking. Now, on a scale of, I don’t know, one to ten, how much loyalty do you feel toward the tower now?”

“You have no need to mistrust me, my lady, though I do understand. I like to think of myself as a very honest mare. And after what happened in the book… a very humbled one. The fact that you endured that book without any preparation at all… is astounding. Truth be told, a part of me also wanted to study your abilities. You are like nothing the ponies have ever seen before!”

“I know, right?” Twilight said. “She’s so fascinating! And her behaviors are adorable!”

The mare’s smile immediately disappeared. “Well, I’m afraid we disagree there. The point is, I have no intention of ever lying to you. I do not know if I would survive the attempt.”

Holy shit, she’s completely horrified. Man, I’m awesome. “Alright, so answer the question. How loyal are you to the tower?”

Her gaze hardened and her lips tightened slightly. “They cast me aside after years of service. It’s like my opinion no longer even matters. I knew our arrogance was bad, but I never realized how bad it was until now. We have become blinded by our perceived power. Now that I have had a glimpse of how weak we truly are, they no longer desire my presence. They had no loyalty to me, so I have no loyalty to them. I no longer have a place in this world, my lady.”

“Alright, cool. Give me just a moment with Twilight, here.” Twilight used a wall of magic to cover the mare’s head. “Can you give her a horn with necromancy?”

“Oh yeah, that’s super easy. I was actually gonna suggest it soon.”

“Alright, cool. Can you propose that to her in a way that doesn’t seem super illegal or forbidden?”

“Yep, totally. You wanna do this?” I nodded and we both looked back to the mare. “What did Vilustuminen say to King Sombra before the final deathblow?”

The mare and I stared at Twilight for a few long seconds. “What did you just say?” I asked.

The mare finally blinked and shivered. “I give you a prophecy most dire, great warrior. Though you kill me, it will be your undoing. Rejoice now. Darkness lies ahead.”

“Good,” Twilight said with a nod. “I can use necromancy to restore your horn.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “What just happened?”

“It’s a test, Nav,” Twilight said. “It’s used by the tower’s necromantic cultists to tell if someone is a member.”

“You joined a fucking cult?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me? That’s badass!”

She rolled her eyes. “I didn’t, Nav. I just know their code phrase. It was written in Celestia’s notes on Sombra’s spellbook.”

“Celestia knows about the cult?!” the mare said with a gasp.

“Yeah, and she has a list of all the members there, too. You’re not on it, though. I just had a feeling you knew about it too.”

“All of the seven do,” she said with a nod. “The alchemy courses are designed to slowly pick out who is fit for necromancy and who was not. Those who were ended up in special courses. Those who were not took normal classes.”

“Well, that’s creepy,” I said. “And none of them offered to return your horn?”

“Their base of knowledge is very limited,” she said. “We’ve managed to save very few necromantic books. Most are burned as soon as they are discovered.”

“And I have Grogar’s own magic book, along with all of Celestia’s notes on the subject,” Twilight said. “Plus a few books Athena gave me so I would leave her alone.”

“And… you can give me back my horn?” the mare asked.

“Well, you know… kinda. I mean, if we had your horn, we could absolutely reattach it with no issues. But without it, we can give you a horn.”

“…What do you mean, a horn? Why can’t you just regrow mine?”

“Oh, you misunderstand,” Twilight said. “This is not a healing spell. This is death magic. If you don’t have the original horn, any option you take is going to be cursed. It’s really just a matter of how much magic is worth to you.”

She stared at Twilight for a few long seconds before sighing and looking down. “Without magic, I am a nobody. I could bear any curse for the ability to use magic again.”

“Excellent, then this will be easy. So, now you have a few options. With option one, we use a blood gem to fashion you a horn. This will give you normal magic power for as long as the soul in the crystal has energy. Its level of energy will depend entirely upon how powerful the soul used to power it is. A squirrel could probably last you a few days. A dog, maybe a week. A normal pony would last a few months. A powerful mage could last years. A dragon could last you decades.”

“Oh, hey, I know where we can get dragon blood gems,” I said.

“You what?!” Twilight gasped. “And you didn’t tell me?!”

“It’s in Iceland! How are you supposed to get them?”

“Uh, magic? Duh. Between me and Taya, we can teleport our way through there with no problem. With the elementals to sneak us in, we should have no problems at all.”

“We’re gonna talk about that later, but this is option one. What’s option two?”

She shrugged. “We find another horn. Or build another horn, if we have to. Finding one would be much easier. Any graveyard would do.”

“What?” the mare gasped.

“What? You said you’d bear any curse,” Twilight said. “Because I wouldn’t be the one out there grave robbing. You want it so bad, you go get it. Of course, you would have to relearn magic with any new horn.”

The mare stared at Twilight in disbelief for an uncomfortable amount of time before sighing and looking down again. “And what about making a horn?”

“That’ll be very difficult. We’ll need several incredibly rare ingredients, including ground alicorn from at least fifty horns. However, your magic would be much more powerful and there are considerably fewer downsides.”

“That’s… awful,” the mare sighed.

“Hey, you asked,” Twilight said with a shrug. “If Nav allows us to get the gems, I would be willing to give you enough to craft a single horn. That will give you enough time to decide on if magic is worth enough to you to do the unforgivable.”

The mare seemed slightly stunned by that. To be fair, so was I. “That was so sexy,” I said, leaning in to hug her.

“Naaav, you’re ruining it!”

“I know. That was mean.” I let her go and looked back to the mare. “We have access to other gems, too. They aren’t blood gems yet, but that can be changed. I happen to own a gem mine. I can work something out with the changelings there and get us some.”

Twilight quickly cleared her throat. “Um, Nav… Make sure they don’t use drones.”

“…Thank you for reminding me. I really hate their culture. Anyway, yeah. I’m founding a university near the Everfree, which is also a project you could take part in. One of the classes I’d like to be taught is monster hunting. If they capture monsters, we can ship them to the changeling mines to be converted into blood gems.”

“That sounds like… quite the project,” the mare quietly said. “I suppose this is some form of natural justice. I have committed dire sins. Now I must sink deeper into darkness to regain any hope of being what I once was…”

“Yeah, my people call that karma,” I said. “If you do bad things, bad things happen to you. If you do good things, good things happen to you. Some places have whole religions based around it.”

“What are… religions?” she slowly asked.

Twilight giggled with glee. “Humans are just so fascinating! I’ll explain it to you later, but you’re gonna love it!”

I cleared my throat loudly. “Anyway, stop being dramatic. In the meantime, stack up all your books in the moon room on the second story. We’ll get some bookshelves set up so anyone can read them.”

The mare stared at me blankly for a moment before blinking. “You want…. You want these books out in the open?”

“I believe in freedom of information.”

“Another cute little human habit,” Twilight said with a giggle. “It makes Celestia so angry!”

“I can understand why,” the mare slowly said. “So can I have access to any of your knowledge as well?”

“Mine, sure,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t know much of jack shit, though.”

“That’s a lie,” Twilight said. “You know more mythology than anyone I know. You always seem to know what a monster is and how to take it down. That’s why you’ve survived for so long!”

“Alright, fair enough,” I said with a shrug. “Would you be willing to help put together a university? I think Celestia is also recommending some staff.”

“Most of my knowledge is relegated to magic. I can teach plenty of magic theory without a horn, but I can’t teach anything practical.”

“Magic theory is fine, since it probably ties in well with runecrafting. Speaking of which, do you know any runes?”

“I know a few basic runes, but I don’t have any specific knowledge. I do, however, have a copy of every book the tower has about runecrafting. That includes the very rare books about the creation of the floating structure above the tower.”

“Good. We have a minotaur runesmith working now to create all kinds of fun things, like golems, weapons, and appliances. He already has a bunch of ancient knowledge, but more information to fill in gaps is always good. We should get them to him quickly.”

“The ship has currently stopped to pick up resources, so there’s an active teleport circle,” Watcher said from where he was sitting. “We can get things to him for the next few hours.”

“That sounds like an interesting project,” the mare said, leaning forward. “It seems you have more fun than the mages at the tower!”

“No offense, but most of the tower mages need to get out more. Most of the ones I’ve met have been needlessly arrogant and overall rude.”

“Given my experience in the book, I’d have to agree,” the mare said with a sigh. “I guess if you need those books quickly, I’ll go have them brought here. Is there some room where I can store my other things? I don’t have much aside from my books, to be honest.”

“Kat.” She instantly appeared at my side, of course. “Take her to the second or third floor to find a room for her. And show her where to put the books when she gets back.”

“As you wish, my lady,” Kat replied with a curtsy. The mare stood and let Kat lead her away.

When they were gone, my shoulders sagged. “You think I should have asked her name? They never did tell me.”

“It would be rude, at this point,” Twilight said. “Just avoid getting in a position where you need to say it.” Way to support my bad habits.

“Impressive as ever, my lady,” Watcher said. “You managed to recruit a new retainer without even knowing her name!”

“That’s just how amazing I am,” I smugly replied. Unfortunately, Luna sat next to me moments later and leaned in fairly close. “Good morning.”

“You smell delicious, my lady,” Luna replied, sniffing deeply and licking her lips a little.

“I just got back from a bakery, so that’s not too surprising. While you’re here, I wanted to ask how your conversation with your tree sister friend went.”

“It went well.” She was so close I could feel her breath on my face. At least it didn’t smell bad. “She would like one of your seeds, but there’s no real hurry.”

“What’s gonna happen when I give her one? And why are you so close to me?”

“She’ll use that to give herself a new body. She’ll take on some of your tree sister characteristics, but none of your human parts. And… because you smell delicious.”

“Back up.” She did so, but made a point to pout about it. “What’s she gonna do once she gets a body?”

“First, she wants to learn more about the world as it is now. What happens after that will depend on what she discovers, but she’s already promised to do nothing to purposefully impede us.”

“Then I don’t see any reason not to give her one. It’ll be a day and a half, though.”

“Understood,” Luna said. “Forgive the selfishness of the request, my lady.”

“It’s forgiven,” I replied, booping her on the nose. “Are you heading out to the bunker soon?”

“I wanted to ask if you needed someone to take you to the warehouse with the objects recovered from the bunker,” she said. “It’s in a restricted military zone, so most ponies wouldn’t know the way. I can teleport you there instantly.”

“Well, that’s one of the important things I needed to do, so sure.” We all stood back up. “You going too, Twilight?”

“I’ve already looked over them, but I’d like to hear what you have to say about everything,” she said.

“Cool. Watcher, tell Kat I should be back soon. I don’t want her freaking out.”

“She might freak out before I get the chance to tell her, if you just disappear. Shouldn’t you take her with you?”

“We’re going straight to a military warehouse and then back. I can’t imagine needing guards.”

Of course, I didn’t have the chance to keep complaining. Kat was already turning the corner and power-walking back, a big smile on her face. “I heard we were going on a trip, my lady,” she sweetly said when she was closer. By the time she finished speaking, she was latched onto an arm again. Her entire very comfy body was pressed against my own.

“Did you already find a room for that mare?”

“Yes, of course. Aurora and one of the guards up front will use the wagon to help ferry her things back. W-were you going to l-leave me behind?” Her lower lip quivered and everything.

“Why are you even trying anymore?” I asked with a sigh.

“Because it’s fun!” she happily replied.

Your water elemental needs to get her shit together. “Whatever. Luna, let’s go.”

Her horn lit up and the four of us teleported off. We appeared right in front of a section of the palace I had never visited before. The two guards in front of the large gate jumped when we arrived, but calmed down fairly quickly. Then they realized who they were staring at and they tensed right back up.

“Lady Navarone would like to view the artifacts recovered from the bunker,” Luna said.

“One moment, please,” one of the guards said, the unicorn of the pair. The other was a pegasus. The unicorn’s horn lit up and a golden light scanned all of us. “You’re cleared. Go right on through.”

The pegasus pressed one of his hooves in a slot on the wall and the gate lifted open for us. “Please don’t take anything without notifying the quartermaster in charge of the warehouse. We need to make sure everything is accounted for.”

“Got it,” I said. Luna led the way in, so we followed her. Kat was eerily good at following me perfectly, of course.

When we got through the gate, everyone but Luna froze. “Was that a portal door?” Twilight asked as we looked around. From the other side of the gate, it looked like we were walking into more of the same palace hallways. As soon as we stepped through, we were a very well-lit cavern. It was large enough that several buildings fit inside, presumably the warehouses. Several guards were walking around and most of them noticed us as soon as we walked in.

“It was,” Luna said, finally stopping to look back at us. “When Celestia thought about where to put a large number of very rare items that she didn’t want anyone else seeing, she decided nowhere in Canterlot itself would be safe. So she hooked up a portal to the caverns under Canterlot, where Chrysalis sent you and Cadance. The guards constructed a few basic buildings. Most of the items are from the fortress surrounding the bunker. A single warehouse has been set aside for the items found inside the bunker itself.”

“The fortress had a few gems that I wouldn’t mind displaying,” I said. “That heart was awesome. But my main interest is what came out of the bunker. Flo said there wasn’t anything I’d particularly care about, but I doubt that’s true.”

“You do get sentimental over weird things sometimes,” Twilight said. “Gourd told me about the letter you sent at the North Pole.”

“Luna, lead the way,” I said.

“Yes, my lady.” She wasted no more time and started walking. As we went, all the soldiers were whispering like crazy. For one, I was a very famous hero. Two, I had a super sexy Kat draped on my arm. Three, I was ordering an ex-princess around, the same one who admitted to raping me. And four, they probably all knew I was the reason they were stuck guarding a big cave.

I ignored them, of course.

Luna led us straight to the second warehouse on the left. There didn’t seem to be any guards in front of the building itself, so she just pushed the door open and we let ourselves in. Four long rows of tables spread from one wall to another, with various things sitting a single meter apart. Three guards were walking around the tables, making notes on clipboards. A fourth guard was filling out forms at a desk right next to the door. She didn’t even look up as we walked in. I idly noticed that she was using one of the more rare click pens that I reinvented a while back.

“Is it okay if we look around?” I asked, taking a step closer to her desk.

“Yes, of course,” the mare said without looking up. “Just remember that all of this technically belongs to Lady Navarone, not us. She might well flay us alive if we break anything, so keep your hooves to yourself.”

“Hear that, Luna?” I said with a grin. The mare’s ears twitched when she heard that name. “Don’t touch anything. You too, Twilight. I might flay you alive if you use your hooves.”

I could see the mare’s face slowly turning bright red. It was going all the way up to her ears, after all. After a few painfully long seconds, her eyes darted up for just a moment. They widened and then shot back down. A second or two later, she groaned and her head hit the desk with a loud thunk.

“I’ll be back if I decide to take anything,” I said, not even trying to hide my giggle. She groaned again.

“Don’t be mean, Nav,” Twilight said.

“At least I’m not mean enough to flay someone alive,” I said. “I’ve only threatened to do that to a few people. I’m surprised to hear the guards repeating it.”

“You screamed it at the princess while she was in the middle of an incredibly important state meeting with another member of royalty,” Twilight said. “That was when you got angry about her trying to manipulate Taya behind your back. I mean, did you think that wouldn’t spread around?”

“Did I say that? I kinda sorta vaguely remember something like that.”

“...One of the guards on duty peed himself when he heard you say that,” the mare at the desk whispered.

“That’s the second or third time one of Celestia’s guards has wet himself in front of me,” I said, shaking my head. “One of those was definitely Celestia’s fault, though. Still, do you guys have any kind of training at all? Surely you have better self control than that.”

“That’s what happens when you dictate guard assignments off pedigrees instead of ability,” Luna said.

“No comment,” the mare said.

“I don’t mind commenting in your stead,” I said. “Most nobles I’ve run into are weak-willed trash. Some of them aren’t. Anyway, I’m gonna start browsing.”

The mare finally lifted her head off the table to look at me, though her face was still bright red. “If you happen to know any information about the objects, can you add it to the sheets?” she asked. “In front of each object is a clipboard with what we know about it so far.”

“Either I can do it, or I can dictate to Twilight so she can,” I said, poking my purple horse a few times. “She was curious to see what I knew about everything here, too. From a quick look around, I do at least recognize a lot of the stuff here. It looks like a lot of sporting equipment, though…”

“I noticed that,” the mare said, looking around. “Isn’t it so strange how similar they are to what we use?”

“Yeah, it threw me off when I first got here, too,” I said. “You’d think two civilizations would evolve completely differently given the species involved had different body shapes. But nope, you could find a third of the stuff down here in any gym…”

“We lined up the first table with objects we clearly recognized,” the mare said. “Things like baseball bats and trophies. We can’t read the writing without magic, but the words have already been copied. Objects we had some clue about are on the middle table, but we aren’t sure about some of the features or functions. The last table is for objects we don’t recognize the purpose of at all.”

“That sounds fun, so we’ll start there,” I said. “I already see two things I want from here. I don’t know what Flo was talking about.” This time, Kat and I led the way to the table. The first thing on that table was a miniaturized version of the Rosetta stone. “Twilight, what do you think this is?”

“It’s some manner of religious or government decree written in three languages. The decree itself didn’t seem overly important, so I was curious about why this was considered a cultural artifact.”

“This is called the Rosetta stone,” I said. Twilight lifted the clipboard and began to write. “These three languages are all fairly important, but two of them were forgotten in time. This stone is famous because we were able to use the third language to translate the other two. As you said, the decree itself isn’t important, but the knowledge we gained from translating it allowed us to learn a lot more.”

“I noted that on the clipboard here,” Twilight said. “With the extra context, I do understand the point of this artifact.”

The next item on the list was just as interesting, but I’m somewhat surprised it ended up on this table instead of the second one. “Luna, this is something you’d be interested in,” I said. “What do you think it is?”

“Some manner of nude… Wait a moment…” Her eyes narrowed and she looked closer. “Is this a very basic guide to humanity?”

“Bingo,” I said. “This is called the Pioneer Plaque. Copies of this were sent deep, deep into space, far outside the solar system. They were sent out in case they ever encountered living beings outside this planet. These two circles up here represent a hydrogen atom, which is the most plentiful substance in the galaxy. These circles at the bottom represent the planets and the sun, along with their orbit around the sun. These lines near the center represent nearabout where our solar system is in the galaxy as a whole.”

“...Humans were really thinking toward the future, weren’t they?” Twilight quietly said. She had been writing all of that for me, as well.

“Some of us. I’ll be taking this one.” We walked on to the next item, a little silver box. After a second or two of thought, I nodded. “This is a music box. If I’m right…” I reached down and poked around until I got a key to pop out. When I used that to wind the box, it started playing Jingle Bells. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling sadly.

“There’s no magic in this, right?” Kat asked, looking at the box in wonder.

“It’s all mechanical gears,” I quietly said. “The song is called Jingle Bells, played during Christmas. If I take it, I’d be too tempted to sell it so it can be reverse-engineered. I’ll let the museum keep this one. It’ll need to be climate controlled, though. The metal inside might rust otherwise.”

“Christmas, huh?” Twilight said. “...If you feel like you need to take a break, let us know and we can go back.”

“I’m fine for now,” I said, talking on to the next one. It was something that made my eyebrows lift. “Well now, a golden record? Someone was obviously a fan of space.”

“Was this also catapulted into the heavens?” Luna asked.

“Yep, it’s like the Pioneer Plaque. It’s called The Sounds of Earth. This one is a record with a bunch of sounds and images on it that we sent into space. I’d love to hear it play once, but I’d like to donate it to the museum in the end.”

“Why keep the plaque but donate the record?” Twilight asked.

“That record is as close to living history as we can get. I’d be honored to have it play in a museum. The plaque is only something you can appreciate if you know what it is. Also, it blatantly goes against Celestia’s geocentric view of the universe since it has information about the orbit of the planets.”

“Oh right, that could be a problem,” Twilight said.

“Next up, the three masks,” I said. “I recognize two right away. One is a mask from a movie called V for Vendetta and later popularized by rebels and hackers everywhere. Another is a mask of a famous ogre-type monster called an oni, which was used in war to scare the enemy and in plays to scare children. My first guess is that the last one is some kind of Hindu mask, but I’m not completely sure. If so, it would have been used in religious ceremonies.”

“Rebels with masks are annoying to deal with,” Luna said. “There was a time we had a law banning all facial coverings because of it. And you say this red mask was used in war?”

“Different warriors would style their equipment in all manner of ways. Masks weren’t incredibly uncommon, but things like that were mostly relegated to plays. I don’t know much about the purpose of the last mask, but it was probably used in important religious events.”

“You said Hindu before,” Twilight said. “Is that different from the religion you’re most familiar with?”

“Yes. I honestly don’t know much about Hinduism. It was mostly practiced in the land between where the dogs live and where the sheep live, which was on the other side of the globe from me. This mask was probably based off one of their gods, but I don’t know which.”

“You want to try one on?” Kat asked, picking up the oni mask.

“I’m not dumb enough to put on a mask that came out of a haunted hellhouse. That’s just asking to get possessed. Put that thing down.”

“We checked all of these items for ghostly influences,” Luna said. “I detected nothing.”

“Celestia didn’t detect anything on my cursed armor, either. Put the mask down.” Kat reluctantly did so.

“Do you want to keep these?” Twilight asked, looking down at the clipboard she was using to take notes.

“No. Let’s move on.” We walked to the next set of objects, which were all flags folded into triangular boxes. “Did you guys not even try to open these?”

“We left everything sealed,” Luna said. “Do you know what these are?”

“They’re flags.” I picked one of the boxes out, gently opened it, and unfolded the famous red, white, and blue. “This is the flag of my nation, the United States of America. It was called the Star Spangled Banner. The thirteen lines represent the original territories. The… wait, that’s a lot more than fifty stars. Oh, I bet we finally annexed Mexico or Canada. Well, the stars represent the number of territories in the nation. I’d really like to keep this one, but it would be rude to Celestia for me to have around the flag of a nation that once resided where we’re standing.”

“I don’t think she would care about something like that,” Twilight said.

“It doesn’t matter if she cares about it or not. It would still be rude.” I carefully folded the flag and put it back in the box. “From a quick look at the other four… This one is the Union Jack from the United Kingdom, one of the islands north of the Europe continent. This is from China, where the dogs currently reside. This is from Russia, north of China and east of Europe. And this last one is from Japan, an island off the coast of the land where the dogs live. In my time, the UK and Japan were allies, China was hostile, and Russia was mostly neutral as long as someone was watching.”

“Why are you so worried about whether having that flag is rude or not?” Kat asked.

“Appearances are important. At the moment, I’m one of Celestia’s vassals. I can’t go around displaying another country’s flag. My old country was a great place, but at the end of the day, it was just a place to live.” Texas wasn’t the best, but it sure was better than Equestria. “Let’s move on.”

“Is that an arm and a leg?” Kat asked.

“It sure is,” I said, picking up one of the prosthetics and looking it over. It was surprisingly light. “These are fake limbs. In fact, these are very high dollar fake limbs. Flo, take a peek inside.”

A sliver of water seeped out of my fingers and darted into the arm I was holding. A second later, it started waving at us. She followed that by groping me. The water slid back out of the hand and through my dress so it could enter my flesh. The hand lost all life a moment later and limply released me.

“Yeah, it looks like these things were capable of interfacing with nanomachines to replace a fake limb with a full range of motions. They might have even been capable of simulating actual feeling.”

“That’s incredible!” Twilight said, her eyes wide. “Creating life itself was impressive enough, but being able to replace lost limbs that effectively? That’s something it takes a whole host of powerful unicorns to even attempt!”

“It took a whole host of humans to attempt it, too,” I said. “But once they were done, they were able to market things like this so a lot more people have access to them.”

“There is necromancy for similar effects, but the results are less than perfect,” Luna said. “Machine replacements seem better.”

“Agreed,” I said, finally putting the arm back on the table. “I have no use for these. If I lose an arm, I’ll borrow Blaze, drop him in some lava, and regrow the thing in a flash.” I stepped on down to the next large group of objects. “These here are computers. After seeing the devastation in the other bunker, I didn’t expect to see any of these things whole.” I grabbed the closest one and popped it open. Twilight jumped in closer to watch as I fiddled around for a few moments before pulling the hard drive out. “Flo, you wanna show off your leet hacking skills?”

“There’s nothing on them,” Flo replied in my head. “From the looks of it, all the information was stored on a server. The hard drives themselves existed solely to host the operating system, drivers, and a few basic programs that had their databases on a server. We haven’t found any servers yet, unfortunately.”

“I see. Twilight, can you bring me a screwdriver?”

“Yes, of course,” she said. Her horn lit up and both types of screwdrivers appeared. I set them on the table and started taking components out of the computer and explaining their uses to the onlookers. At this point, the three patrolling soldiers also gathered around for the lesson. Some things had changed since my time, but most of it was the same. I imagine the higher end servers and computers would probably have more parts I wouldn’t recognize, but there’s no telling if I’d run into one.

The basic explanation of all the parts took about fifteen minutes. When all was said and done, the guards laid out all the individual pieces with their own small descriptions. They started fiddling with one of the other computers while we moved on to the next object.

“I bet you can guess what this one is,” I said, looking at it with a grin.

“It’s like your gun, is it not?” Luna said.

“Correct,” I replied, picking it up. “This is a gun called a rifle. Let’s see…” I popped open the bolt action chamber to take a peek inside. It was clear of rounds, but there was a small tag with information about the gun. “Looks like a 6.5. The scope is decent. The coat is… Wait a second… Surely not… No way!” I looked at the rifle in my hands with a mix of reverence and fear. “H-how did they even get this?”

“Is this model special?” Twilight asked.

“You know how I said my nation didn’t have kings, but instead had something called a president, right? I’m pretty sure this rifle was used to assassinate one of them. This is supposedly the gun that killed John F. Kennedy. This was about forty or so years before I was born. I thought the government owned this gun. Maybe this is just a replica?”

“Can we shoot it?” Luna asked. “I want to see how different it is.”

“No, I don’t have any bullets,” I said, holding it up so they could see the chamber. “This is where a bullet would go. Then you would slide this closed like so.” I closed the bolt. “Some guns have something called a safety, where you can’t just pull the trigger. You have to disengage it to do so. Once you do, you can fire.” The gun loudly clicked as I pulled the trigger. “I’m absolutely keeping this, at least until we can find an armory with more and better weaponry. I can carefully break this thing down and let Jak duplicate it. I’m pretty sure we can find a way to propel spikes with runes. We can use this as the basis for a new magitech rifle.”

“Are you really sure you want to try reproducing weapons like this?” Twilight asked.

“Sword fighting is fun and all, but nothing beats trampling all over basic human rights by eliminating an entire enemy army with a massive technological advantage. How are we supposed to imperialize the fuck out of Tartarus if we don’t have a huge edge over the demons? If we aren’t careful, we might be the ones who get culturally enriched.”

“...I’m not entirely sure what you just said, but I’m pretty sure I should be offended by it,” Twilight slowly said.

“I understood it perfectly, and it’s nothing to be offended over,” Luna said with a grin. “Our lady is correct. We must prepare adequately for our invasion, lest we fail and get counter-invaded.”

“Let’s move on to the next one,” I said, walking to the next group of items.

“These three came as a set, but we don’t know their purpose,” Twilight said.

“It’s called the Baghdad Battery, but this isn’t the original. Put the copper inside the pot, put the iron inside the copper, and fill it with the right liquid, probably a kind of acid, and you’d get a small amount of power. It’s supposedly enough for electroplating. Basically, it’s a very primitive battery, though we don’t know if that was actually its intended purpose.”

Twilight had me spell out a few of those words for her, then we moved on without fuss.

“This next object was very interesting,” Luna said. “It looks like a very tiny skull, does it not?”

“It does,” I confirmed. “I’m not sure why they decided to preserve something like this, but it’s called an Aztec Death Whistle.” I picked it up and rubbed it off on Kat’s dress before looking around. “Hey everyone, listen up! I’m about to make a horrifying noise. Don’t wet yourselves, please!” The guards glared at me right up until I blew from the whistle. Their glares immediately turned into stares of horror. For reference, the whistle sounds like a loud, high pitched war cry.

“You said it’s a death whistle,” Luna said when the noise stopped echoing. “Is it cursed?”

“I sure hope not,” I replied, putting it back down. “Between this continent and the continent with the spiders, there’s a thin landmass connecting the two. The Aztecs lived there a few thousand years before I was born. Their culture was very warlike and their religion demanded live human sacrifices. Because of that, their main goal in battle was to capture people alive. They accomplished this in three ways. First, before starting battle, all their warriors blow on whistles like this one to scare the enemy. Then, when the battle starts, their warriors use brutal weapons covered in obsidian to tear the front ranks of the enemy apart, further lowering morale. Then when the enemies start breaking, they switch to less lethal weapons like clubs and nets.”

“That’s… awful,” Twilight whispered.

“I’ll be keeping that whistle,” I said as I continued walking. The next object made me freeze in place, though. “Oh…”

“That looks like another gun,” Luna said. “A much smaller one.”

I carefully picked the revolver up and hefted it in my hand. “This is my grandfather’s revolver,” I whispered.

“Are you serious?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a family heirloom. I knew it as soon as I saw it.” In a flash, I broke it open and checked. As expected, it was empty. I eased it shut with a snap and looked down at it. Despite being an heirloom, it honestly wasn’t that fancy. The only thing of note on it was the heavy ivory grip. That and the fact that it had been in the family since the Civil War, apparently.

“Well, the other you did live there,” Twilight said. “So I guess it’s not that big of a surprise… But what an amazing find!”

“Flo, why did you say there was nothing important here?” I asked.

“This wasn’t here the last time I visited,” she replied.

“I’m not sure where this even came from,” Kat said. “I don’t remember seeing it in the loot storage area of the bunker.”

“I don’t remember it either,” Luna said. “And I go down with more than half of the teams that pull artifacts out. It must have just come in today.”

“I’ll be taking this one with me when we leave,” I said, setting it back on the table.

“I’d be happy to carry it for you now,” Kat said.

“...Seeing it here truly does make it sink in,” I said. “Anonymous is dead. I’m just an echo. A part of me doesn’t want to let this thing out of my sight, but another part of me wants nothing more than to get away from it as fast as possible. No one but me is fit to wield this thing, but do I really count as family?”

“Your memories are real, my lady,” Luna said. “That is all that matters. You should be happy that you found something capable of evoking such strong emotions, especially since it’s an heirloom you thought long lost.”

“I’m definitely grateful and happy to see it again,” I said. “And I’ll definitely see what I can do about getting some bullets made for it. I bet they could be made with magic if I can find the right craftsmen.”

“I’d offer, but I don’t have that kind of ability,” Twilight said. “I’m sure one of the ponies on the ship with Jak could do it, given the correct materials.”

“I’m sure Jonathan can find everything we need. Let’s move on.”

The next item was a book encased in some kind of vacuum sealed container. It was genetically locked, but that was nothing for the elementals. “We decided to wait to unseal things until you were around,” Twilight said. “All we can see of this is the front cover, but we have no idea what the book itself is.”

I placed my hand right in front of the lock. “Darya, would you do the honors?” A moment later, the lock quietly chimed and the container hissed as the seal released.

When I pulled the book out, everything inside of it transferred to my head. “You’re welcome,” Flo said. “It’s the Gutenberg Bible.”

Jealousy is unbecoming of a lady. Let me use Darya as I please. “This is called the Gutenberg Bible,” I said. At the moment, I was still mentally digesting the huge dump of words Flo pushed on me, but that didn’t stop me from talking. “When the printing press was first invented and mass production of books became possible, this is one of the first things spread. It’s a sign of humanity’s dedication to the spreading of knowledge.”

“Is a religious text really a sign of knowledge, though?” Kat asked. “From what you’ve explained of religion, isn’t it mostly emotional?”

“There is wisdom to be had in religion,” I said. “Twilight, would you be interested in explaining, or should I?”

“I don’t have the chance of explaining?” Luna asked. “I actually helped build one, according to you!”

“I’d be happy to,” Twilight said, ignoring Luna. “There are several similarities in the religion Princess Celestia built and the religion described in the Bible Nav holds. Some of those similarities hold the key. Christianity’s fruits of the spirit go hand in hand with Celestia’s magic of friendship. The core message is harmony, the opposite of discord. In essence, it’s the answer to saving the world.”

“In Christianity, the core messages are love of your neighbor, forgiving others, and being humble,” I added. “Those also happen to be several very good ways of making and keeping friends. If you can keep kindness in your heart, you can make the world a better place for everyone. That said, now that I know the truth about the lakes of magic that spawned powerful humans, I no longer believe in gods. Especially since I’ve met a few. The beings worshipped in religions were all likely just powerful creatures, either human or magical. Anyway, I’m not interested in keeping this one.”

I set it back in the box, but didn’t seal it again. The ponies would need to analyze it later and they might have issues opening the lock.

“The next items are of particular interest to me,” Luna said. “Tell me, what are these?”

“Before I answer that, I want to know why you’re interested,” I replied, looking down at the item on the table before me.

“There’s a very peculiar kind of magic in them.”

“Wait, there is?” Twilight asked, narrowing her eyes at the deck. “What kind?”

“One of the most difficult there is to master,” Luna said. “Fate magic.”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“It’s faint, but it’s there,” she said. “Apparently humans did possess some form of magic, though using an artifact this weak would be difficult without fine magical control. At best, you’d get things you’d predict with perfect accuracy about a fifth of the time, assuming no proficiency at all. You’d probably get partial accuracy two fifths of the time. The other two fifths would be completely inaccurate. But to one with training, the accuracy would go much higher. My lady, do you know what this relic is?”

“They’re called Tarot cards,” I said with a sigh. “This seems to be a high quality set of metal cards, at that. There are two uses for cards like these. The first is for card games. The second is for divination. Or as Luna calls it, fate reading. All this time, I thought it was complete nonsense. And yet…”

“Fate is magic, like anything else,” Luna replied, smiling. “That means it requires belief. The fact that humans believed it worked is what gave it the power it had. If you put these cards in my hooves, I will learn to use them very effectively.”

“Then we’ll keep them,” I said. “But I’m iffy about messing with fate, so only inform me if something bad is about to happen. I can look up the meanings of all the cards later on my laptop.”

“Understood. I will make you proud, my lady.”

“Good.” Though I’m slightly worried about the implications. I recognized the next object immediately. “This is a marble chess board. Let me see…” After poking around, I found I could open the top. Several very intricately decorated black and white marble chess pieces were inside.

“These are beautiful,” Twilight said, floating up the white knight for a closer look. “I figured it was some kind of game, but I haven’t had the time to learn the human ones you reinvented.”

“Chess is a marvelous game,” Luna said. “When Shining Armor reported it to Celestia, she immediately showed it to me. Once we both knew the rules, we spent a few nights playing in our dreams.”

“I’m not a fan, personally,” I said. “Luna, you want this set as a present? Playing with others in the house might be a good way of getting closer to them, as long as you aren’t too mean about winning all the time.”

“...I’m hardly worthy, but I’ll happily accept,” she replied with a small grin.

“I’m definitely willing to learn,” Twilight said, setting the piece back into the case. “Well, if I ever get time away from research, adventuring, and writing…”

“I would say you need to make time to relax, but you probably do find all of those relaxing,” I said. With that, I set the lid back down. “Still, though, it would be good for you to find time to just shut down for a bit. A chess game is a decent enough way of doing that. You’re smart enough that you could probably pick it up quickly. You could easily get good enough to beat your brother. Then you could rub it in his face that you’re better than him in yet another field.”

“You’re not exactly making me excited to play,” she sighed, hanging her head. “It’s not like I’m trying to be better than him… Being a prodigy can be hard, you know? I mean, he’s a prince now, right? That’s something to be proud of, isn’t it?”

“Blueblood was a prince, too,” Luna said. “So I’m not sure the title really carries any pride with it anymore.”

“It’s okay,” I softly said, gently patting Twilight on the head. “Shiny’s come to understand his inferiority. Unfortunately, that understanding may have come with some strange fetishization.”

“...Did you really learn anything from that Coma?” Twilight quietly asked, finally looking up to cast a very dubious stare my way.

“Of course.” I said everything quietly enough that the guards couldn’t hear.

After a moment, she looked over at the guards who were still happily pulling the computer apart, completely none the wiser. That made her sigh. “I would really appreciate if you wouldn’t mention my brother in a sexual context around me,” Twilight said. “Please.”

“I’ll do my best, but those comments really do just slip out.”

“Like Cadance’s strap-on?” Luna happily asked.

“I wasn’t the one who said it, so stop glaring at me!” I said. To be fair, Twilight was probably glaring because of the smug smile I was wearing, but it still didn’t seem very fair. It’s not like I secretly used Darya to tell Luna what to say or anything…

“Shall we move on?” my precious Twiggles asked through gritted teeth.

“Let’s,” I said with a nod. We moved on to the next one, which I stared at for a few long moments. “Hm. A big circle made of rock… Angry face in the middle… Points like a compass… Intricate and spooky all around, so probably south or central American or African. Flo?”

“It’s an Aztec calendar,” she said.

“Ah. This was made by the same people who made that whistle. This culture had some very advanced calendars for their time. This is one of them, an Aztec calendar. I have no idea what any of these symbols mean, though. I’ll use my new Flo brand printer to spit out more info if the museum is interested.”

“This thing is eerie,” Kat said. “That culture was awfully violent.”

“Yeah, I don’t think too many people were shedding tears when they got race war’d out of existence,” I said. The next object beckoned, so on we went. “This is a shield. I guess it would make sense that ponies wouldn’t be able to use this, but… I’ve seen dog mercenaries in Canterlot with shields. Do the guards seriously do no cross-racial training at all?”

“Of course not, my sister wanted them weak,” Luna said. “Most of the guards exist almost entirely to keep ponies honest. They do a little to deter serious criminals, but Celestia has special units she uses for things like that. People like you, for example.”

“Celestia has other pawns like me?”

“You’re a lot more powerful than one of her pawns now, Nav,” Luna said.

“It’s time to start using that power for something. I need to kick the guards into shape. Anyway, this shield is incredibly detailed. It has some Christian imagery like crosses and whatnot, so it was probably some European king’s ceremonial shield. I don’t know enough to be able to say which, though. This looks pretty, but I don’t really have a use for it. The museum can have it.”

“Say… does this count as grave robbing?” Twilight asked.

“No, it’s past the statute of limitations,” I said. “This is archeology. Let’s move on to those cell phones.”

“What are cell phones?” Kat asked. “And why have we found at least one in every expedition?”

“The answer to that might be a little long,” I said. Twilight used magic to summon more paper and got ready to write. “First, a phone is a communication device that you can use to speak to another person anywhere else on the planet, as long as you have a connection to them. This connection can come in the form of wires that directly connect devices to each other, a tower that broadcasts a wireless signal, or even a satellite in orbit around the planet that can beam the signal from one location to another. In the beginning, phones were rooted to one spot and connected only by wires. Eventually, they transformed into portable versions that used signals sent out from towers. Those were cell phones. Devices that you can keep in your pocket to pull out at any moment and contact any other person on the planet.”

“That certainly seems like an important tool,” Luna said. “Why wasn’t it heavily restricted?”

“Because there was a metric fuckton of money to be made from selling them, of course. And later on, something else was invented, something called the internet. It’s extremely difficult to explain without spending several hours, but essentially it was a huge warehouse of all the information on the planet. And I do mean literally everything, but there were restrictions on a lot of it. And this warehouse did not exist in physical form, but in the form of data stored on things like those computers over there. Eventually, it became possible to access the internet on those same cell phones. Suddenly, every human with a cell phone had access to all of the information on the planet at their fingertips at every moment. In my country, almost every family could afford at least one, and most had several.”

“That’s incredible!” Twilight shouted. “Surely this led to amazing achievements!”

“Yep. And since all of this data was virtual, meaning it was limitless, there was an infinite room for growth. There were all kinds of services on the internet. I could pull out my phone, go to the internet, place an order for almost anything legal I wanted, pay through a banking service that was also hosted entirely online, and have it delivered to my door within two days. This led to two things. First, an incredibly convenient lifestyle where you could get basically whatever content you wanted whenever you wanted, as long as you had the means to consume it. Second, a theoretically infinite economy since the internet could both make and consume money. Its advent changed everything and society was still struggling to deal with those changes when my memories end. I mean, some kids were showing signs of addiction by visiting some sites. It was a huge mess. A whole lotta fun, though…”

“Is that something you think you’d want to recreate here?” Twilight asked.

“...I wonder. It enabled an incredibly convenient lifestyle. It caused a huge amount of problems. It also solved a huge amount of problems. I guess the issue with the internet is that absolutely everybody was on it, from all walks of life. That meant there was a whole lot of head clashing going on. I would like having access to it again, but I’d need to have a long talk with Celestia before deciding how it would be implemented. That’s the kind of thing that can make or break a society. Literally. In my time, revolutions had been organized and led online, since tracking data can be really hard. And since there was a lot of money to be made, there was also a lot of money to be stolen. But I think that’s enough about the internet, at least for now. Do you understand what a cell phone is, Kat?”

“You say they use signals from towers. What kind of signals?”

“Did you see the radio on the ship in action?” I asked.

“Indeed. Do cell phones use the same waves as radios?”

“No, but they’re similar. To be honest, I don’t know all the particulars, but you can think of it as invisible data just drifting in the air.”

“That’s not a very helpful description, not gonna lie,” Twilight said. “Data can be a lot of things.”

“Well, get over it. In my time, cell phones had batteries as power sources that needed to be plugged in to charge.” I picked one of the phones on the table up and looked it over. “It doesn’t look like this has anything similar. I don’t see any ports on it at all, actually. These probably either charged wirelessly or just didn’t ever die. Flo, were you able to recover any information?”

“Nothing but personal data,” she said. “Anything useful was kept on the servers.”

“Oh well.” I set the phone back down and moved on to the last group of objects. These were all rings of various makes, each very beautiful. “These are rings.”

“That… does make sense,” Luna said. “I figured they probably were, but pony rings are much larger.”

“I’m not a jeweler, so I can’t appraise them. And I’m not a fan of jewelry, to be honest. Luna, would it be easier to make a new magic ring or make an older ring into a magical ring?”

“It’s easier to make a new one. Different magical effects work better with different metals. If you want a specific effect, you can build the ring from the ground up with that in mind.”

“Then I have no use for these,” I said. “Let’s move to the second table. This first object is… a Roman gladiator helmet. Rome is a country that started where Ponitaly is now. Eventually, it covered most of Europe, a lot of north Africa, and a large chunk of the middle east where the sheep are now. They had coliseums where gladiators could fight to prove who was best and to make money. Some fights were to the death, some weren’t. There were also periods where they would force slaves to fight to the death for their amusement. This helmet would have been worn by someone who won an important tournament.”

“...They had enough paws to force slaves to fight to the death simply for amusement?” Kat asked, her claws extending just a little.

“Think how much territory that is,” I said. “The Romans had a warrior culture and their nation was built on conquering other lands, turning everyone who didn’t resist into Romans, and turning all the dissenters into slaves. Obviously, there were a whole lot of dissenters. There were also people who became slaves because of debt.”

“Humans were geniuses,” Luna said, her eyes aglitter with joy. “Monetizing the suffering of their own kind! Ah, if only my sister and I had thought of it… We always just killed our prisoners! Oh, what a waste… Oh, the possibilities!”

“Blaze, do your job.” Luna continued being happy, but did so silently. “Let’s see… Oh, next up is a coin collection.” There were hundreds of them spread out across the table in no particular order. Most were coins I recognized, things like quarters, nickels, and dimes. However, there was also a single piece of a ton of foreign currencies from various places and time periods. “This is… pretty extensive. Wow. Twilight, if I show you a few coins, can you use magic to group all of those together?”

“I can, but it’ll take a few seconds longer than Rarity.”

“Well, you won’t complain as much about it, so I’m happy to wait those few seconds. First, this is a quarter.” I picked one up and she gathered together all of those, though some had different faces and shapes on the back. “Each one of these is one fourth of a dollar. Next, dimes, which are a tenth.” Twilight quickly gathered all of those up. “Then nickels, which are a twentieth of a dollar.” Those gathered together even faster. “Finally… there’s only five pennies. Oh, I bet they finally stopped making them. Pennies were a hundredth of a dollar, but they cost more to make than they were worth and most people didn’t use them anyway. There are a few dollar coins in here, and a few half dollars, too.” I pushed all of those to the American money side. “Everything else is foreign, from various time periods. Flo can give more info later, if anyone’s interested.”

“Were dollars the human equivalent of a bit?” Twilight asked.

“Essentially. Gold is heavy. Carrying a bag of it around everywhere sucks. Dollars are paper, so it’s much easier on the pocket. Originally, the value of the dollar was tied to the value of gold in a country. That was called the gold standard. At that time, you could still use gold in place of dollars at most places. Eventually, the gold standard went away. In my time, each nation’s currency value was roughly equivalent to their level of world and economic power, with some notable exceptions. And instead of carrying actual paper currency, you could carry a card that was tied to a bank account. Whenever you bought something, you could pay with the card and the money would come out of your account.”

“...I’m understanding more and more why you were so depressed to end up here,” Twilight said. “Our society and culture must have been so boring and inconvenient after living in a world like that.”

“There’s a reason I didn’t forcefully stop Rarity from spreading manga. While it’s not to my personal tastes, after spending a few years in your library, I learned that most pony books are boring. The main characters win with no issues, everything’s always warm and fuzzy, and the bad guy usually just learns a lesson and gets away with no consequences after suddenly becoming good. It’s the same reason I started translating books. This time period is woefully lacking in fun distractions. I guess that’s just a side effect of the strangely low population. I mean, even human cities in the Aztec nation had more people than Canterlot. You guys seriously need to start getting it on more.”

“My sister wanted to keep the population stable, since she could barely keep things under control without my assistance,” Luna said. “She didn’t do anything evil, but she definitely did something to stymie the general population growth of our country.”

“Then it’s time to teach her delegation. Anyway, let’s move on.”

The next set of objects we found were crosses. There were only four, but all were very nice. One was a heavy plain silver cross. One was a heavily ornamented gold cross with a diamond in the middle and rubies on all four ends. One was made of marble and had a thorny crown of metal embedded in the top. The last one was made of some very heavy see-through glass.

“These are all religious symbols, right?” Twilight asked.

“Yep, they’re crosses from Christianity. Luna, do you detect any magic? A lot of humans had faith in symbols like these.”

“None, no,” she replied, shaking her head. “Magic is only imbued into artifacts that have been used and empowered by belief. Most of these items are ornamental. The cards actually appear to have been used.”

“I’d hate to be the guy using Tarot cards right before the apocalypse,” I said. “Anyway, I don’t need a cross.” The next object was a set of three heavy metal bowls, one large, one slightly smaller, and one just a wee bit smaller than that. Each one was painted with very intricate flowing lines. “I wanna say these are… instruments?”

“Instruments?” Twilight asked, tilting her head a little. “Aren’t those just bowls?”

Flo, do you know how to play music bowls?

“It won’t take me long to figure it out. Ask Luna to add some water to each.”

“Luna, fill each one up to about half with water.” Her horn lit up and water started flowing into the three bowls. “I don’t think you actually have to use water for this, but it’ll probably help Flo figure out how to play them. I only barely recognized them, so I’m not surprised you thought they were just bowls. Flo, do your thing.”

She took over my hands and used my knuckles to tap the outside of the smallest bowl. It made a dull ring, somewhat like a bell. A few moments later, a small leather mallet appeared in my hand with a pop.

“Wait, where did that come from?” Kat asked.

“I borrowed Celestia’s magic for a moment,” Flo said with my mouth. “Listen.” With that, she used the mallet to play the bowls. It wasn’t the ideal tool for it, but it got the job done. Soon enough, she was playing Jingle Bells. The goldshirt guards apparently got bored of the computer and crowded around to listen instead.

When the song was done, she set the mallet down and returned control to me. “They can definitely be used as bowls, but that’s not their actual purpose. These were called singing bowls. There were larger versions that were called standing bells.”

“Did humans have other cool instruments like these?” one of the guards asked.

“We did. Wherever you found people, you found music. And wherever you found music, you found pioneers inventing new ways to enjoy it. Lately, there’s been a massive resurgence in pony music, which has definitely been nice.”

“Didn’t you have a hand in that?” Luna asked.

“I shared human music with a ton of pony musicians a while back. They couldn’t understand the lyrics without magic, but just hearing new ways of doing things was enough to inspire them. I haven’t really kept up with much of it, but Silver mentioned something about some very hefty royalty checks that I’ve apparently been getting, so it’s obviously going well. If I remember right, the ideal way to play singing bowls is with a long stick with an end covered in something softer than this, preferably suede.”

“...What’s suede, again?” Twilight asked, looking up from her notes.

“It’s leather from a certain part of an animal that’s been prepared a certain way. I guess that’s not really something commonly available in Equestria. The griffins might have something similar, but the name is probably super punny.”

“Can you refine the sound further by changing the amount of water?” Kat asked.

“Yes. You can also do it without the water at all. It would probably be better to wait for Flo before trying to tune them. She can use her body to figure out the ideal amount of water, after all.”

“You said before that you barely recognized these,” Twilight said. “Are they uncommon?”

“Where I’m from, yes. They’re from another culture across the sea. I only recognize them because of the internet, but I don’t know much about them.”

“They certainly sound nice,” Kat said. “I bet Spider could play these pretty easily. May we keep them, my lady?”

“Sure. Let’s move on.”

To be quite honest, there was a whole bunch of stuff in that room. Going through all of it took a while and got pretty boring by the time we finished up with the second table. In the end, we didn’t bother to keep anything else. Most of the stuff was neat, but I really didn’t need more junk lying around my house.

Once we got done, Twilight floated over my revolver. “We’ll need to tell the quartermaster we’re taking this,” she said.

“I know.” We walked back over to the mare sitting at the desk by the door. She had definitely been watching us most of the time, since her stack of paperwork hadn’t shifted in the slightest. “We left notes on the cards of the items we want to keep. However, this item is of particular interest to me. I’d like to take it with me.”

“You seemed to know a lot about the relics we found, my lady,” the mare said. “To be honest… We have no idea what we’re dealing with. We know it’s some kind of archeology, but nopony’s told us who the ruins belonged to…”

“Wait, seriously?” I took a quick look at the three girls standing with me. “No one’s explained to the guards what we’re doing?”

“The guards don’t talk to me,” Luna said.

“Me either,” Kat added.

“And I’ve been too busy working on other things, so I don’t really know,” Twilight finished with a shrug.

“...Alright, I guess.” I looked back down to the mare, who was staring up at me expectantly. I don’t have any reason to answer to you, peasant. “You know what race I am, right?”

“A human, correct?”

“Yep. And all of these relics are human relics. Those are human ruins you’re delving into. My race lived a very, very long time ago.”

“...Oh. Well, I guess you learn something new every day, huh? Will you tell me why that item in particular is of interest? If it’s going to be taken from here before a more thorough investigation can be done, I’d like to have something to tell my superiors.”

“Because it belonged to my grandfather. It’s a family heirloom. I’d rather have it close.”

“What a lucky find! Very well, my lady. The rest of the items will be delivered to your mansion once they’ve been better documented.”

“Thanks.” With that, I turned back to the others. “So, can we teleport out from here?”

“The magic resistance in the rock around us would make doing so unpleasant,” Luna said. “We’re better off going back through the stable portal, then teleporting home.”

“Then that’s just what we’ll do.”

It was all going really well, right up until I led the way through the portal. As soon as my feet were on the other side, my body was enveloped by white wings and I was firmly pressed into a squishy sun horse. “Good afternoon, Navi,” Celestia warmly said. “I was just heading to lunch when I saw you appear!” By that point, the other three had joined us on this side of the portal.

“You were clearly waiting here to ambush us,” Luna said. “Guards, how long has this worthless princess been standing here waiting?” Both of the guards refused to meet her eyes, their ears twitching. “Tch, of course. And just how long do you intend to cling to my lady?”

“At least until she hugs me back, for sure,” Celestia replied, snuggling me closer. “She’s so comfy!” I sighed and finally hugged Celestia back. “You still haven’t joined me for breakfast yet, Navi…”

“It’s literally my first morning back, and I got dragged to do stuff out in Ponyville and then kidnapped by your test subjects.”

“Well, I’d be fine with you joining me for lunch, instead…”

Not even concerned with the fact that I got kidnapped? I see how it is. “My kidnappers force-fed me until I could barely move,” I said. “It’s only been a couple of hours since then. Do you truly want me to suffer so?”

“You’re just looking for an excuse not to hang out with me, aren’t you?” Celestia asked, finally releasing me from her stranglehold. “You know, if you’re around me, I certainly wouldn’t allow any kidnappers to get you… Unlike your vassals, apparently.”

Would Celestia be able to stop Pinkie? I wonder… “Isn’t it a little early for lunch?”

“I have a busy schedule today, so I decided to take it early. Are you sure you won’t join me, Navi?”

“Luna was the only one who didn’t get stuffed. She might be interested.”

“I’d certainly be happy to have her,” Celestia said, turning hopeful eyes toward her ex-sister.

“I must return to my duties,” Luna said. “I can eat at the bunker.”

“You can take some time away,” I said. “You said the current bottleneck was Zecora, anyway. Surely that means you can take half a day away from the front.”

“If you command it, I will eat with this mare,” Luna said, looking down. That made Celestia look pretty depressed for just a moment, but she hid it quickly.

“...I can’t order you to make friends. I guess I’ll join the princess, even if I don’t feel like eating at the moment. There are things we need to talk about anyway. Luna, take Kat and the revolver back to the house before you return to the bunker. I’ll have Celestia teleport me home when we’re done talking. Twilight, what about you?”

“No offense to the princess, but even the smell of more food might make me nauseous right now,” Twilight said, patting her tummy with a hoof. “Pinkie really knows how to pile it on. I still can’t believe you ate as much as you did.”

“Must I return?” Kat asked, clinging to my arm again.

“I’m not going to need a guard while talking to Celestia. Take some time to manicure your nails or something. We do have a pageant coming up, after all…”

“...As you wish,” she said, pulling back with a curtsy. Thankfully, she wasn’t wasting my time with her fake tears.

“Farewell for now, my lady,” Luna said. Her horn lit up and the two of them vanished.

“After that breakfast, I need to get some writing done,” Twilight said. “I’ll stop by later, Nav.”

“See you then,” I said, scritching one of her ears. She beamed for a moment before teleporting off.

“So now I have you all to myself,” Celestia said, looming closer.

“Yep. Shall we head to the dining room?”

“Let’s!” And so I was led off by a very happy Celestia. I really didn’t want to go with her, but I also really didn’t want her to get lonely enough to turn evil again. “You know, you’re welcome to play with my ears, too!”

“Are you going to use your hair to assault me if I do?”

“...No, of course not,” she replied after a moment.

“I consider tickling to count as assault,” I said.

“Oh. Then yes, I will.”

“I’m not really interested in getting tickled, so I’ll hold off on rubbing the princess’s precious ears. After all, far be it for me, a lowly vassal, to touch the body of the great Princess Celestia herself.”

“It’s like you’re just begging to be cuddled,” Celestia said, giggling. “If I promise to keep my hair to myself, will you play with my ears?”

“Yes.”

A few long seconds passed as we continued to walk in silence. Finally, she looked at me and lifted an eyebrow. “Well?”

“Where’s your promise?”

“Oh, so you did learn something from your coma! So be it. I promise I won’t use my hair against you if you touch my ears in this instance.”

With that, I started toying with her long, slightly fluffy ears. The servants and guards we passed stared at us awkwardly, but nobody said anything.

When we got to her dining room, I realized my main reason for coming here was moot: Spike was waiting for us inside, so there’s no way Celestia would have gotten lonely. He was definitely surprised to see me, too. “Nav? What are you doing here?”

“I got ambushed and kidnapped by a princess while I was in the palace for business. There was talk of using her hair against me, so I was forced to rub her ears to keep her at bay.”

“That’s quite the interpretation of events,” Celestia proclaimed as she took her seat at the head of the table. Spike was sitting on the other side of the table, so I took the place opposite of him. “I happened to bump into Nav while I was on my way to lunch and invited her.”

“You were waiting directly on the other side of the portal with your wings outstretched to nab me the instant I appeared.”

“That does sound a lot like an ambush,” Spike said, staring at his pseudo-mother suspiciously.

“We’ll have to agree to disagree, I’m afraid,” Celestia said. Her horn lit up and a bell chimed somewhere. Moments later, the servants came out and did their thing, filling the table with all kinds of delectable looking things. Including a large steak for Spike and a small filet of salmon for me. I wasn’t really expecting food, but fish was light enough that I could probably handle a little.

“Aww, now I can’t make any meat puns,” Spike said. He was staring at my fish in disappointment.

“I was in Ponyville earlier. Pinkie dragged me to Sugarcube Corner. I can’t really eat much at the moment, so I guess this is Celestia’s way of telling me to get over it.”

“You still aren’t confident your body is healed,” Celestia said, patting me on the shoulder with a wing. “You’ll need all manner of nutrients to ensure the process is finished, correct? I’m sure you can manage a little, even if it’s just to make me feel better as a host.”

“As her princessness wills it,” I said, taking up my fork once more.

“I guess ‘her princessness’ is better than sunbutt,” Spike muttered as he started cutting into his steak.

“Celestia, do you think it would be possible to build an airship the size of that dreadnought with Equestria’s tech?” I asked.

“Yes, but it wouldn’t be nearly as efficient. The amount of unicorns required to power it would be immense. The engine on that ship is incredibly efficient and a joint team of changelings, griffins, and ponies are studying it now. Jonathan knows enough to maintain it, but lacks the magical knowledge to comprehend exactly how it was built. None of those he absorbed had the knowledge of the schematics, either. That said, the research team ensures me they’re making progress. If we can duplicate that engine, we can do a lot more than create airships with it.”

“Cars would be possible, wouldn’t they?”

“Indeed. You could also attach them to boats or trains. Just the engine alone could be revolutionary. Because of that, plus all the other impressive artifacts you helped uncover, I intend to increase your noble rank.”

“Nobles have ranks here?” I asked.

“A very few of them do, specifically those who have accomplished great things. Their increased rank is not hereditary, however, so all that passes on is the status of lord or lady. As I’m sure you can imagine, most of my lazy populace are incapable of earning such things. You, however, are now Countess Navarone. If things go well in the Tartarus campaign, I intend to make you a duchess and give you even more territory.”

“...Huh.”

“Last night, when I spoke to Moonbeam, she made her intentions toward you clear,” Celestia said. “She still intends to have your hand. If she somehow succeeds in obtaining it, I’d rather her be tied to a high-ranking Equestrian noble for diplomatic purposes. Although I’d much rather have that hand, myself…”

“Is that really your only reason for increasing my rank?”

“No, of course not. My reason is that you earned it. Making you more valuable in diplomacy is just a secondary bonus.”

“Do I get any benefits in particular with this rank?”

“Why yes, I’m glad you asked! As tempting as it is to give you Ponyville, I have other things in mind for that place. So instead, I’m giving you colonists, free materials, and free labor to help build up a town right outside the Everfree.”

“Colonists, hm?” I said, lifting an eyebrow. “What kind of colonists?”

“I’ve had five groups of applicants so far.” Her horn lit up and a folder for each appeared in the air. She set them down on the table. “These hold all the information you’ll need.”

It didn’t take me very long to eat the fish, so I picked up the first folder and cracked it open. To my surprise, a small clan of naga heard of my exploits and, since their home was surrounded by monsters and their water was receding, they wanted to move. They knew I was a friend to the naga through their connection with the clan I was technically a member of. If I decided to take them into my colony, they’d make me the clan head, even though I was female. There were two hundred and thirty-four males, most of which were of fighting age, and three hundred and seventeen females. Apparently if I wanted to accept, I needed to contact their representative with the naga I was friendly with.

“Spike, what do you think about naga?” I asked.

“The only downside will be feeding that many,” he said. “I helped put those files together, by the way. I approve of all of them.”

“I have contacts with the griffins. I’m sure buying meat and livestock from them won’t be too difficult. Celestia, how hard is it to build out something like a spring with magic?”

“It’s not very difficult, but naga don’t necessarily have to live in springs,” she said. “Though they do have adverse health effects if they stay out of water for too long. It would be enough to dig out, say, a hot spring for all the residents to enjoy.”

“Makes sense. Let’s take a look at the next.”

The second folder was actually more of a contract. Apparently the dog I fought at the griffin festival wanted to bring his mercenary group to work for me. He had a hundred heavy dog infantry, thirty griffin scouts, fifteen unicorns with various talents, and ten cat scouts. The contract stipulated that I’d pay them a decent monthly salary, with possible bonuses to be discussed after combat based on their achievements. The only weird part is that getting to have sex with me at least once was one of the guy’s requirements, the only one he absolutely wouldn’t negotiate on.

I may have mentioned something like that to him before the fight, but I couldn’t remember for sure. There was probably no need for that many mercenaries, but as I thought about it for a few moments, I realized I could always find a use for them.

“So, you approve of the mercenaries, too?” I asked, looking up at Spike.

“I thought one of his conditions was a little strange, but apparently you two have some kind of history, so I just assumed you seduced him. I figured you wouldn’t mind a little extra muscle, especially if we’re heading into Tartarus.”

“You figured right. But I might find uses for them beforehand. Celestia, are there any problems with pirates you need handled?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” she said. “Why?”

“Because I wouldn’t mind putting my mercenaries to work by stealing a whole bunch of boats from some pirates. With Luna to teleport them all in, I’m sure we could take out entire pirate cities.”

“I’ll happily pay a bounty for any pirate you capture or kill, any ship you manage to sink or seize, and any den or city you either claim or raze.”

“Can we give the pirates I capture to Moonbeam in exchange for the political prisoners Oldlestia sent her?”

“Those were my thoughts exactly,” Celestia replied with a nod. “Four birds with one stone. Very impressive, Navarone. So what will you do with the boats you seize?”

“Turn them into airships and use them for trading and passengers, assuming the other colonists have the knack for it. So let’s see what else we got.”

I opened folder number three to find it was showing the kobolds from Hawaii. Apparently someone stole the fire god that was keeping the volcanos on their island mostly dormant. Someone also apparently killed the shaman who would normally be in charge of using magic to protect the clan from eruptions. Because of that, the kobolds were in dire need of a new place to live. With the help of the elementals, they made it to Equestria and now needed somewhere to settle. For various reasons (mostly because they were brainwashed into it), they decided to appeal to me for protection.

Accepting it made me feel a little dirty, but I got over it quickly. “Do you think the kobolds still hold a grudge?” I asked.

“It obviously can’t be that bad, if they’re coming to you for protection,” Spike said.

“Spike told me the circumstances,” Celestia said. “I wish you had more patience, Nav. I understand the desire for revenge, but with a species so rare… More caution might have been warranted, in my opinion.”

“Noted.”

The next application was from changelings. Moonbeam knew I was setting up a town and wanted to invest early with labor. She was offering five hundred drones, four hundred sentients, and one hundred intelligentsia. Many of the more intelligent changelings had been working as researchers and inventors at the hive, so they could help at the university. Half the drones were used to building and the other half were used to mining. I’m not sure there was much to really mine, but I’m sure there was something to harvest somewhere in the Everfree. And if nothing else, they could be retrained. The changelings would also bring their own food sources.

That was obviously a no brainer. I accepted them immediately and reached for the last folder.

Unfortunately, that was the folder that immediately made me sigh. “Really?” I asked, looking up to Spike.

“Yep,” he replied with a nod. “Really.”

Since he was no help, I looked over to Celestia. “Really?”

“Indeed,” she said, smiling. “Really.”

The monkeys from South America knew I was still alive. Apparently Celestia explained the circumstances to them. Despite knowing I wasn’t really all that feminine or queenly and that I was only doing it because Spike was a hostage, they still wanted to be with me. Or at least, some of them did. A thousand monkeys were offering to join me, five hundred males and five hundred females. More probably wanted to come, but they knew they had to limit the numbers for a fledgeling town.

“I mean… The monkeys do have some interesting magic, including some useful teleport stuff,” I said. “They also have at least some combat capability and could probably use a crossbow effectively. As long as they don’t expect me to act super queenly, I guess I don’t mind. That’s gonna give me a whole lot of people, though. Are you comfortable having this many other species a stone’s throw away from Canterlot?”

“You will keep them in check,” Celestia said. “I take it you approve of all five applications?”

“I suppose. You said you’ll help with construction. Does that include a road?”

“And a skydock, since you’re going to be in possession of many airships. I can provide airship technicians and crew to train your colonists.”

“I’ll want train tracks as well, but that can wait. How long do you think it’ll take to build the city out?”

“With the help of the changelings as well, our current worst-case estimate is three months to have enough temporary housing for all of your colonists. We’ll continue providing help until everything else is built, but we’ll have to estimate timing for that later. Since this is an entirely new town, it’ll be tax-exempt for a few years. Use that time to build it up.”

“I’ll need your help along the way, both for guidance and either materials or personnel.”

“But of course,” she said. “That’s what your princess is there for, Nav. Please come to me first, in fact.”

“I’ll probably go to Flo first for most things, since she’ll get mad if I don’t and she’s more convenient. But I can use her to get to you if she can’t help me.”

“Well, that can’t be helped,” Celestia said, shrugging. “Now, I know that we’re gearing up for a war on Tartarus, but I don’t want you to make this town focused solely on warmaking. In fact, I’d greatly prefer if you would focus it on trade and logistics. You told me once that in your time, you could go to a market to buy goods from all over the world. That isn’t possible in Equestria, but I’d like to start changing that. Increasing the amount of trading will help. It’ll also help kickstart our economy, since it’s been fairly stagnant.”

“So, you’re giving me permission to start a few companies?” I asked.

“Indeed. Once you have the details of the companies down, provide them to me and I’ll ensure some government loans. At the very least, they’ll cover the costs of converting your pirate boats into airships.”

“Before I agree to that, I want you to understand that by doing this, you might be handing the reins of your economy over to me. Once I start, it’s likely I’ll pick up momentum until I’m dragging everyone else behind me.”

“I might take a few steps to prevent you from being able to go too overboard,” she said, “But I don’t intend to stop you unless I think things are going to begin spiraling out of control. I only want you to promise that you’ll help make Equestria prosper.”

“I can guarantee that things will change. Airships are pretty rare, aren’t they?”

“They’re too expensive for most companies to buy, yes,” she said. “It’s unheard of for any individual to have more than one. Even the largest companies possess no more than ten. If you include both the ones you take from the pirates and the ones you make, you’ll clearly be leading the market by leaps and bounds.”

“Things are gonna get really crazy soon,” Spike said. “How are we going to keep track of all of those ships?”

“Radios,” I said. “We’ll also be the only traders who have those. We can use each ship as a repeater to send signals from headquarters out to everyone at the same time. With that, we can constantly update everyone else on prices so we can snatch the best deals away before anyone else can get them.”

“I do hope you’re planning on spending the money you’re making instead of letting it all sit in one place,” Celestia said.

“If things go well, I’ll pay to have more skydocks built in other cities, and manage them as trading headquarters. If things go really well, I’ll start more companies to either grow things or produce them. After all, too many traders without enough things to trade is a problem.”

“Wonderful. Of course, you also have contacts with the cats and the spiders. Do you think you could get goods from either?”

“From the cats, yes. We can use Catro as a hub to trade further into Africa. As for the spiders, I honestly don’t know. I’d have to go and ask in person. I’ll do it eventually, but I’m not in a hurry. With all the money I’ll be raking in, I kinda wonder if starting a bank might be on the table eventually…”

“Why would you want to start a bank?” Spike asked.

“Because I’ll live for a very long time. Establishing a bank will give me access to all kinds of business opportunities in the future, and the sooner I do it, the more branches I can open and the more opportunities I can get. More opportunities for loans also means more economic growth. I’ve never personally needed a loan, but Applejack told me that most loans are difficult to get and even if you do, the interest rates will break you. If I can offer more reasonable rates, more businesses can start. I can also use the banks to manage my own properties and employees.”

“It certainly seems that the coma changed you, alright,” Celestia said.

“Plus, I’d love to put a dragon in charge of it. Imagine how huge and powerful they’d become!”

“...Do you have any dragons in mind?” Spike slowly asked.

“Yes. To move on to another subject, what are your thoughts on the progress of the dreadnought, Celestia?” I asked. “Are the golems to your liking?”

“Indeed. I have a few in the palace for research purposes now. However, something troubles me. There are a few runes that Jak doesn’t quite understand. These runes seem pivotal in making the golems actually behave. My concern is that Athena retains some manner of overall control over these golems because of these runes. Because of that, I request that you visit the city of the minotaurs with Jak and ask them to help you research the runes. If we can understand them better, we can remove that concern entirely. The minotaurs will also be able to help us prepare for the war.”

“All solid points. I’ll do so, but I’m not sure when. I’m sure some of them will be willing to set up shop in a human-owned town, too. I don’t want to make the population too massive all at once, though.”

“That’s the reason I limited the number of applicants to five,” Celestia said. “The cats and griffins wanted to send some settlers and if things with the city go well, I intend to see about having some ponies move there.”

“How did you manage to turn down the griffins in favor of the mercenaries?” I asked. “If the changelings are getting in, won’t the griffins feel slighted?”

“I explained that the changeling drones will be used for labor and that the upper ranking changelings are necessary to control them. The griffins aren’t dumb enough to think setting up a new city from scratch is easy. Their talents lie in places other than building. They assented to move in later and let the mercenaries act as your security forces. That way, no griffin settler would have to worry about having to build and they can come in later to a more built-up and defended location. It is, after all, right on the edge of one of the most infamous danger zones in mainland Equestria.”

“Fair enough. I guess the monkeys are zealous enough not to care, the naga are desperate and know enough about me to understand I can protect them, the changelings know I have a plan for dealing with the forest, and the kobolds were brainwashed by the water elementals so that’s a no-brainer. Overall—”

“Wait a moment, what was that last one?” Spike asked, rudely butting in.

“One of the visions I saw in the coma was of Mist invading the mind of the kobold chief and telling him to move to the Everfree.”

“Is that… so,” Celestia whispered, her ears twitching.

“I’m very curious who else they might have brainwashed behind the scenes,” I said. “At this point, they’ve been purified, so hopefully that kind of behavior has stopped. I’m not really sure how to curtail that kind of behavior, other than telling them not to do it.”

“Well, not all brainwashing is bad, I suppose,” Celestia said. “I’m certainly quite thankful for it.”

“So, is there anything else I need to know about my new rank?” I asked.

“Naturally, it increases the amount of authority you have, especially over other nobles. There won’t be any more fools attempting to stab you in the back, that’s for sure. Any insults you may have gotten will definitely stop. There will probably be some envy, but I’ll wait to officially announce everything until the ship you captured has arrived. Once everyone learns what happened at the Zone, no one will be able to say a word of complaint.”

“Anything else?”

“One minor thing of note, something I assume you won’t care too much about… It gives you the right to take another name. In your case, you would become Countess Navarone Everfree.”

“That’s not necessary. Do I have any new responsibilities?”

“Nothing you weren’t already planning on doing,” Celestia said. “Essentially, being a count means building up your territory and being able to adequately defend it, as well as being able to lead soldiers to Equestria’s defense in times of conflict. The main reason your rank didn’t start as a baroness is because Oldlestia was paranoid. Because of that, I skipped a few ranks. At the moment, you are one of five counts in mainland Equestria. The other four each govern a large section of land for me. The size of your new town will pale in comparison at first, but I’m expecting that to change quickly. If you manage to become a duchess, you’ll become one of four in all of Equestria.”

“That would be neat, I guess. Although, on the flip side of that… would you care too much if, after I conquered Tartarus, I was able to turn it into my own kingdom?”

“I suppose that would be one way to solve the issue of dividing the territory,” she said. “A part of me is surprised you’d ask. Do you truly want to be a princess? Or a queen, maybe?”

“If I can obtain a soul, I think it might be neat. The main issue is whether or not the native races there would follow me. If they would, then I think I might like that.”

“I’m game,” Spike said. “Let’s make you a princess, Navi!”

“That does tell me something disappointing, though,” Celestia said. “If you intend to make a kingdom for yourself, that means you won’t marry either me or Moonbeam.”

Who’d want to marry a several thousand year old hag? “Not necessarily,” I replied, reaching over to try and boop her. She caught my finger in her mouth instead and nibbled on it a little before letting go. “Besides, what are our other options? Divvying Tartarus up among the conquering armies? Letting the local races keep it and hope they can maintain control without going belly up or starting a civil war? Maybe taking the place as a vassal country?”

“Ooh, I like that option,” Celestia said. “I could declare it the Duchy of Tartarus. You’d essentially act as a separate country, but you’d technically be our vassal nation. I think the changelings would still agree to work with us under those conditions. We can try to convince the griffins. It’s something we can discuss in detail at the upcoming conference between leaders.”

“Alright, I might be okay with that. Maybe it’ll depend on my accomplishments in the war and how the locals perceive me. Anyway, that can all be decided later, assuming we can even make headway into that hellscape. With luck, the dreadnought will make that possible.”

“Speaking of that goliath of a ship, it needs a name,” Celestia said. “There was a clamor among the crew to name it after you. I’m pretty sure one of the water elementals instigated it, but I shut it down. Do you have any thoughts?”

The first big and famous ship that comes to mind is… the Titanic, of course. Obviously I’m not naming my ship something so ill-fated. Then again, it’s less of a boat and more of a flying fortress, to be honest… Not only that, but it’s a flying fortress full of bugs and crafters. So… “How does Skyhold sound?” I asked.

“That doesn’t really sound like a ship name,” Spike said. “But I guess Second Chance is also a little strange.”

“...Nav isn’t considering it a boat,” Celestia said, staring at me and smiling even wider. “You consider it to be a town, don’t you?”

“Yes. While thinking of it as a town, what do you think of Skyhold?”

“If I’m honest, I think you could afford to upgrade it to Skycity,” Celestia said. “That boat is very large. Even with the crafters I provided, there’s still plenty of room.”

“It’s not really gonna start out as a city, though. Would it be a problem if we changed the name as it grew? Skyhold to Skyton to Skyfort to Skycity to Skyopolis to Skytopia.

“That’s just way too overboard,” Spike said. “Imagine the amount of paperwork you’ll have to do to change each time. Pick one and stick with it.”

“I approve of Skyhold, Skycity, and Skytopia,” Celestia said. “Pick one.”

What? Skytopia was one of the joke names. “In that case, I’ll stick to Skyhold. Once the war is over, I’d like to start charging rent and a reasonable cost of the materials. With the goods they can craft and with the ability to travel around to sell things in various cities, I think a lot of craftsmen would be happy to pay. Enough that I might be able to hire them instead and turn the entire ship into my own personal factory…”

“You have a lot more ideas than I thought,” Spike said. For some reason, he looked proud. “I think things are gonna get real fun around here!”

“Good. Be careful, Celestia. I might snipe Spike back from you.”

“I’ll let you borrow him from time to time,” Celestia said. “But if you want him for good, you’ll have to pry him from my cold, dead hooves. But don’t worry, Oldlestia put an incredibly evil curse on this body that will turn me into a ridiculously powerful undead if I’m ever murdered, so I’ll be coming back for him soon.”

“I don’t think I want an undead mother, so please don’t,” Spike said.

“Thank you for the warning about one of your trump cards,” I said. “Now I have even more reason to want to keep you alive.”

“That’s okay,” she said, patting me on the head with one of her wings. “After all, I have a request in exchange for that information. I would like one of your trump cards.”

Now that was a tall order. I did have a seed I was currently gestating, but I intended to give it to Luna, not Celestia. Still, though, I was planning on giving Celestia one of them eventually. I knew the chance was low, but if Celestia ever reverted, I didn’t want her to know right where one of my important trees was.

“I see that you’re hesitating…” Celestia quietly said. “Then I’ll add this condition. I won’t plant it myself. I plan to give it to another to have them plant it for me, in a location I am unaware of.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m just that terrified of who you once were. I’ll be jumping at her spectre for a long time to come, I’m sure.”

“She thoroughly traumatized you, so that’s understandable,” Celestia said, looking down. “I’ll do my best to ease your mind and help you forget her.”

“...Well, I was planning on giving you one eventually anyway. The one I have will be done later tonight.”

“I was there when you put it in. I’ll stop by to pick it up later.”

“Can I have a seed later, too?” Spike asked. “No hurry, but I’d love to grow myself a mini-Nav!”

“It just makes a big cherry blossom tree. You’ve seen the two in my backyard, right? One is mine, the other is Taya’s. But yeah, I can give you one eventually, as long as you promise not to do something dumb like planting it in a pot.”

“Your new town and university will also need names,” Celestia said.

“I was thinking the university could be called the Everfree Institute. As for the town… I plan to build Eden elsewhere, so I need to think of something else. Wait, it’s a town in Equestria. That means it has to be a shitty horse pun, right?”

“That isn’t a requirement, but it is recommended,” Celestia said. “The worse the pun is, the better the tax breaks for the citizens. So if you really want to think of the long-term benefits of everyone, you should make your name as cringey as you possibly can.”

“Wait, is that why all the tax forms are wonky?!” Spike demanded, slamming a claw on the table.

“No, I was joking,” Celestia said. “The tax forms are wonky because of embezzling and I put you in charge of it because no nose can follow gold like a dragon’s. You’ve already uncovered two corrupt nobles.”

“So it’s fine if the name isn’t a pun?” I asked.

“It certainly goes against the national tradition, but we also don’t have any cities that weren’t founded by ponies, or later renamed after their native populations relocated. So… maybe make it a human pun instead?”

“Well, I’m the lady of nature and it’s going to be built into a forest, so probably something woodsy. It’s a shame the signature flower of the Everfree is called something as dumb as poison joke, which happens to be yet another shitty pun.”

“Wait, what’s that a pun of?” Spike asked.

“In my time, it was poison oak. Instead of pranking you, it caused a painful rash and sometimes blisters. And instead of being pretty flowers, it was just a green leafy vine.”

“Well, the town doesn’t need a name immediately,” Celestia said. “We will need a name before we break ground on it, though. And since you’re actually building up a town now instead of just a university, Moonbeam agreed to leave your house so you can stay there when you’re working on things. In fact, she’ll be adding several more buildings inside the walls for your followers. The university will go elsewhere.”

“That works, I guess.” I bet I’ll get fewer guests there, at least.

“Are you thinking something mean?” Spike asked.

“I’m an ex-human. Chances are, most of what I think will be mean. I guess I’ll come up with a name for that later. So, a lot of the mercenaries I’m hiring are dogs. And I’m also getting a lot of changelings. Do you have any advice about that?”

“Provide enough distractions that they don’t have time to worry about being angry. Or teach the dogs that changelings have value as allies. Either way, the leader of their merry band of mercenaries has already been apprised. It’s likely he’s taking steps to curtail issues. But do keep in mind that you’re dealing with mercenaries; regardless of their fighting ability, their discipline will leave something to be desired.”

“You might be surprised. I’ve seen elite dog mercenaries before, back in Egypt. The good ones didn’t fuck around. They might have some minor issues in the rank and file, but overall, their quality was good. I don’t know if the same will be true for mercs on this side of the ocean, though. With luck, they won’t have any conflicts with the changelings. I don’t think the naga will have any issues with the others. The kobolds and the monkeys are complete unknowns, though.”

“As the countess of the town, it’ll be your responsibility to ensure the community is at peace. There are definitely going to be cultural differences, but you need to find a way to bridge the gap.”

“Changeling whorehouses, obviously,” I said. “I mean, that’s something everyone can enjoy. Prostitution’s legal, right? That means we can tax it!”

“...Changeling whorsehouses, huh?” Celestia slowly said. “Is that really what you want your territory to be known for?”

“They’re a lot more fun than you’re imagining,” I said. “Back me up here, Spike. You know you want to visit one again, right?” Spike immediately facepalmed.

“Again?” Celestia hissed, turning to glare at her son. “What exactly does Navarone mean by again?!”

“So, lunch was nice,” I whispered, pushing my chair back and standing. “I think maybe I’ll see myself out after all…”

“Don’t you dare abandon me, you coward!” Spike shouted. “Nav’s the one who dragged me there!” I was just about out of the room when he finished his accusation. A golden glow instantly covered my body and I got placed back in my seat. “If I’m gonna get yelled at, I’m taking you with me!”

“I don’t see why I’m needed for a talk about a family matter,” I said, struggling to get out of my seat. “I didn’t drag anyone anywhere. I invited him. He chose to accompany me. I am in no way at fault!”

“I didn’t even know changeling whorehouses existed until you told me!” Spike shouted, slamming a fist onto the table. “And there’s no way I ever would have gone if it wasn’t for your bad influence!”

“Don’t blame your life choices on me, Spike. You’re only regretting it because Celestia seemed mad about it. But look at her now! She’s smiling, so that obviously means she’s okay with it.”

“No, that’s the smile she wears when she’s disappointed. The lecture is still incoming!”

“I don’t see why I should be subjected to a lecture for something you did, something that has—”

“Don’t you ever get tired of this?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, getting accused of being responsible for something I didn’t do does get old,” I replied.

“...I see. That’s disappointing. Why did you invite my son to a changeling whorehouse, Nav?”

“A few reasons. For one, I had been in the hive for a few days with Moonbeam and I hadn’t seen him in a bit. He wanted to do something together. There's not really much to do in the hive and I remembered that Moonie wanted feedback on one of her projects, so I figured a more diverse set of opinions would be helpful. Another reason is because Spike was unreasonably afraid of changelings for some reason, as if he thought they would hurt him. I wanted to show him that they certainly had their upsides and that not all of them are scary. Third, because I figured he would enjoy it. The fourth reason is semi-private, involving something Spike told me right before I invited him. He shared a secret, I replied with another secret, and that ended up depressing him a little. So I figured he could use some cheering up. It’s not like it was a planned thing, it just sorta happened.”

“So you let my son lose his purity to a whore?” Celestia coldly asked.

“Huh? I thought he lost that after Shiny’s bachelor party, that night he sent you all those sex toys. Or was it on Doppel?”

“Nav!” Spike hissed.

“Perhaps I won’t let you borrow my son anymore after all,” Celestia said, narrowing her eyes.

“Nah, it’s too late. I’ve already taught him more than enough to get by without me. All you’d accomplish by keeping him away from me is fueling his teen angst and making him act out by banging even more bitches.”

“I believe Cadance mentioned something about a tool she uses to keep Shining Armor in order. Perhaps I should ask her for more information… It might do wonders on my harlot of a son.”

“I’m not a harlot!” Spike said. “I’m just a normal growing guy! And it’s not like you can talk, after everything you’ve done with and to Nav. And poor Fleur…”

“Yeah, harlot is a little rough. At most, he’s a horndog. Or, as he put it, a normal growing guy. What’s wrong with dicking bitches down every now and then?”

“Nav used to be considerably worse than I ever was, and that never stopped you from jumping his bones,” Spike said. “So what right do you have to judge, mom?”

“Hm, you mean like my right of motherhood over you? It’s every parent’s job to want their child to do better than them. With my past behavior, it’s obvious I’m trying to make it easy on you. So why are you struggling? Just be patient, Spike. I’d be happy to find you the perfect bride! There are a few promising candidates in the mainland dragons. Then you won’t have to debase yourself on whores like Nav.”

“She does have some kind of point,” I said. “Finding a nice female dragon you can get along with wouldn’t be a bad thing. Just be super careful. If any high ranking dragons find out you’re Bahamut’s son, there might be problems.”

“You found out who your father is?” Celestia quickly asked.

“I didn’t think I’d find any answers here, so I made sure to find them in Iceland,” Spike replied. “And that’s smart, Nav. Pyrite said he’ll kill me if the news gets out. My father’s still alive, after all. His son might get propped up as a symbol to oppose Pyrite.”

“...And you didn’t think to report this to me?” Celestia demanded, turning to me.

“I wasn’t aware that Pyrite mentioned killing Spike if news got out. That’s news to me, too.”

“I meant the part about Bahamut being his father!”

“Oh. No, I didn’t think to report it.” She stared at me in silence for several long uncomfortable seconds, compelling me to keep talking. “If you’ll recall, you weren’t interested in talking to me at the time. I left the detailed debriefing to Spike, since he was there for the important parts. I gave you the bullet points of the primary goal of my journey later, which was freeing the fire elemental. I didn’t see any reason to apprise you of further unnecessary details.”

“...You two conspired behind my back to discover information I had hidden.” Celestia said, her whole body sagging. “I suppose I have no right to be angry. If Pyrite did threaten to murder you, that ruins a few plans I had for your destiny. But I don’t think it’s unsalvageable.”

“What if I don’t want to be given a destiny?” Spike asked. “What if I want to forge my own?”

“Then I’d say you’ve been spending too much time around Nav,” Celestia said. “But that can be a conversation for later, between just the two of us. Navarone. Who else has defiled my son?”

“You know the griffin traveling with us? The one who isn’t the princess. Her name is also Gilda. She’s his main fucktoy at the moment. The air elemental Aerie has done some weird stuff to him, but I don’t know the details. I’m not aware of anyone else.” Her lie detector went off. “Well, there was that one secret occasion he’d kill me if I mentioned. Oh, and that other super secret situation you both might get violent about… You know, now that I think about it, maybe Spike is a harlot!”

“So, two very secretive things,” Celestia said, turning her gaze back onto Spike. “Secrets, hm? I see. You know, good sons don’t keep secrets from mommy, Spike. You can trust me with whatever burdens your soul.”

“I will keep that in mind,” Spike said. “I think I know the two things Nav’s talking about. Neither is a burden. They’re just… you know… secrets.”

“Well then.” Celestia eyes once more moved to me. “What manner of female does my son prefer?”

“MOM!” Spike shouted, jumping to his feet.

“This should really be more of a family discussion, shouldn’t it?” I asked.

“Don’t make me narrow my eyes at you again, Countess,” Celestia said.

“I mean, how am I supposed to know his preference? First he liked Rarity, who’s super ladylike, prissy, and all manner of girly. His next crush was radically different in just about every way. And his current squeeze is Gilda, who’s a dumb abrasive battle junkie. I don’t really see a common thread there. Maybe he just likes sexy?”

Spike groaned and returned to his seat. “Can we please, please go back to discussing Nav’s town?”

“...I have one more question,” Celestia said. “This is a yes or no question and the lie detector is on. If your answer is anything other than yes or no, I’m stealing at least one of your arms. So. Nav. Have you slept with my son?” Just like that, the dragon across the table from me seemed to deflate. I did my best not to react, but my face definitely twitched a little.

Which arm should I offer? Actually, she’ll probably take both. “...Yes.” That made her narrow her eyes at me again. “This was shortly after I got freed from Aqua. I was desperate to feel something. Spike happened to be available.”

“...Impure,” Celestia whispered.

“I don’t even wanna hear it, missy,” I said. “If we’re not going to go back to discussing my town, can you send me home? I think you mentioned having something important to do after this anyway.”

“A few things might need to be rescheduled,” Celestia said, huffing. “Apparently I need to have a very important talk with my son, who chose to take advantage of a lady in her time of desperation.”

“Wha… That’s not what happened!” Spike shouted.

“Let me recall his words at the time,” I said, thinking to myself. “I believe it was something like… ‘I’ve been waiting for you to ride my dick since you lost yours. I knew you couldn’t resist.’”

“So it seems my son truly has learned well from his master,” Celestia said, looking disdainfully at the poor lizard. “I suppose that was your own fault, Nav. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be giving him a talking to anyway. Obviously he’s been listening to the wrong advice!”

“It’s the right advice if you wanna get—” What I was saying got cut off by the sound of teleportation. I quickly realized I was sitting on top of Kat, who had been lying on my bed for some reason.

Less than a second later, her entire body was wrapped around me. “Wishes really do come true!” she shouted.

“I’m back, Kat,” I said. I would have hugged her, but my arms were trapped by her iron grip. “Why were you on my bed?”

“To get more of your scent, my lady,” she replied. It was faint, but I could hear her sniffing my hair.

“Are you not helping at the bunker?”

“How could I possibly neglect to protect my lady? Now that you’ve returned to us, I have to keep my eyes on you as much as possible to make sure you stay safe!”

“Then I guess you get to be the first one to hear. I’m founding a town, apparently. The residents will be mostly naga, kobolds, changelings, and monkeys. The guards will be from a mercenary connection I made a few weeks ago.”

“It’s about time more people became aware of your greatness,” Kat said, leaning back enough so she could actually look at me. “We shall turn this town of yours into the true capital of Equestria, my lady.”

“Also, I’m technically no longer a lady.” Her eyes shot wide open. “I am now a countess.”

“Congratulations, Countess!” And then, for some reason, she kissed me deeply.

It was kinda weird, but I bore with it until she pulled back. “Why did you kiss me?” I quietly asked.

“I couldn’t think of any other way to congratulate you physically, since I’m already hugging you,” she replied, rubbing her nose against mine. “Having you in my grasp is so perfect, countess!”

“So, you wanna let me go?”

“No!”

“Kat, let me go.” She did so, but was plainly reluctant. “Is the portal to the big ship still open?”

“I believe so, yes.”

“Good.” I slid off the bed. Kat joined me moments later and started straightening my dress. “We’re going to go visit it. What’s the easiest way there?”

“We should take the teleporter to the fort. From there, we can take another teleporter to the ship. Shall I go fetch one of the guard unicorns?”

“If you’d be so kind. I’ll be waiting on the teleporter.”

“We’ll join you shortly.” With that, we both left my room.

The instant I stepped out of my door, I got drenched by a water elemental. Flo’s pink body quickly pulled away. When I looked down, my outfit was back to pristine condition. Kat was already nowhere to be seen. “Congratulations on your promotion, Nav,” she said. “You should tell Doppel before you leave so she can plan something special for tonight to celebrate.”

“This is Doppel we’re talking about. She plans something special every night. Besides, I don’t see any reason to celebrate this. You can let the people here know if you want.”

“Let us know what?” Doppel asked. Apparently she had been hovering in the air a few meters down so we couldn’t see her. Now she was using the railing in front of me to prop herself up so she could stare at me. “What does she mean by promotion? And why don’t you think we’d care?!”

“I never said anything about you guys caring or not,” I replied. “And by promotion, she meant my noble rank. Celestia made me a countess.” Doppel’s eyes went wide. “Also, as part of my promotion, Celestia’s helping me found a town near the Everfree.”

“We definitely have to celebrate! I’ll make tonight even more special than usual, my lady!”

“Is celebrating really necessary?” I asked.

“Of course! We have to cheer for the new people who will be taught the greatness of our countess! I’ll go get started on preparations right away!” She let go of the railing and fell back down. I didn’t hear a splatter, so her wings probably took over at some point.

Whatever she was up to didn’t really concern me that much, so I walked on down to the teleport circle. The hornless mare from the tower was walking around the circle, staring at it from various angles and muttering. I thought it might take her a little longer to get back, but apparently not. “What do you think of it?” I asked.

“Oh, my lady!” she exclaimed, jumping up. “I… I was just so surprised to see one here! Where does this go, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Have you heard of the Zone of Alienation?” I asked. Her eyes widened. “My team and I conquered all the outer layers. Now we’re progressing into the actual ruins with the help of the army.”

“Astounding! Even the information in the tower about the Zone is limited!”

“Understandable. That place was spooky. Did you bring the books about runes?”

“I did!” She waved a hoof over to a table, where ten very large tomes were sitting. “These books detail all of the runes that the tower is aware of. My lady, may I have the honor of meeting the one who will be putting this information to use?”

“I’m just about to head over to meet him now. You’re welcome to join me. We’ll be using the Zone as an intermediary point, so you might have a chance to look around a little, too.”

“Of course, my lady! The unicorns at the tower would do anything for an opportunity like this!”

“To be honest, you’re probably just going to be disappointed. The only thing magical about the Zone was the big shield over it, and we already knocked that thing down.”

“...That can’t be true,” the mare said. “I’ve heard the weather inside changes constantly! The trees grow strange fruits and the ground grows amazing gems and metals with amazing properties! Surely some kind of fantastical magic has to be at work!”

“Nope, it was all human technology running amok. It was a relic of an age long past, something that woke up prematurely. The shield was put there by the race that woke it up in an attempt to seal it away. But now that it found the one it was waiting for, it’s no longer going crazy.”

“...Human technology? The Zone was a human ruin?!”

“Yep.” Before she could continue pestering me, Kat walked in with one of the guard unicorns. “Silence, will it be alright for you to join us? I’d rather have a guaranteed way to get back.” He bowed his head. “Can you carry those books on that table for us?” He grabbed them with magic and trudged over to the circle. The three of us joined him. Kat, of course, latched back onto my side. The mare paid it no attention, since she was excited about getting to see one of the final burial grounds of my people.

Soon enough, we teleported halfway across the country. The sudden temperature drop made me shiver. “This is it,” I said as we all looked around. The mare was giggling in glee, staring at a large orchard of trees growing up in seconds, then sprouting full fruits of all types. Each tree had several different fruits on it, some that I recognized but most that I didn’t. “Now that the relic is on our side, we can do things like grow as much food as we want and change the weather however we please.”

“Amazing. Simply amazing! I will be forever grateful that you took me in, my lady! I would love to have a chance to study here!”

“There’s a group that goes between the Zone and my house every day. You’re welcome to join them, at least until the university opens. Then you’ll need to choose whether to teach or to research. But for now, this is merely a layover. We need to move on before the ship starts moving.”

“Right this way, Countess,” Kat said, gently pulling me along.

Before we could get far, we were joined by two water elementals, Brook and Ice. “Welcome, Navarone,” Brook said with pink eyes. “What brings you by?”

“At the moment, I’m merely passing through. I have some things to deliver to the ship. Is the circle still active?”

“They’ll remain stationary for slightly less than two more hours,” Ice replied. “I would like to take a moment to thank you for… dealing with Aqua. We all knew the fate you gave her was just, but to have one of your kind in such a state feels… unpleasant. Now, at least she is at peace.”

“The coma reminded me of what I do to my enemies,” I said. “Despite all my attempts to neutralize her, I knew Aqua would always find some way to resist me. Keeping her around as an example had benefits, but too many risks. As of now, Darya has been a much more pleasant alternative.” My head suddenly felt slightly warm and I heard a soft giggle.

“It’s hard to come back from that kind of corruption,” Brook said. “But after we were purified, we all came to the agreement that we would keep each other honest by sharing nanites with each other. If we’re all constantly watching each other, surely we can avert any further tragedies.”

“Like brainwashing the kobolds into moving to my territory?” I asked.

“Yes, an event like that is something that would not happen if we all watched each other constantly, not that I have any idea to what you might be referring,” Brook said. For some reason, though, her eyes turned a very dark blue.

“I’m referring to when Mist forcefully turned the kobold chieftain into a host, then told him he was moving to the Everfree.” The two water elementals stared at me silently, turning darker blue by the moment. “It was shortly after the ship left the island. It was one of the many fun things the coma showed me. Anyway, we need to get going. I’ll talk to you two later.” Kat began pulling me along again.

“...Farewell for now, my lady,” Ice said. “We’ll uh… We’ll talk to Mist about… you know…”

“Yeah. Sure.” Both of them hung their heads as we all walked past.

“What were those things?” the mare from the tower whispered to Silence.

“You’re better off not asking him anything,” I said. “And those were more human relics, intelligent machines that have the ability to invade a mind, take it over, and change it however they please. You’ll get used to seeing them. If you’d like, you can try to get one to make you a host. You’ll be able to live for much longer, you’ll be able to breathe underwater, you’ll have improved healing, and they can provide a variety of other benefits. There are also, of course, downsides.”

“After some time in your employ, I would like to return to the tower to speak to them,” the mare said. “The work that is happening there is certainly important, but they can no longer close their eyes to the world. Living machines, a field of crops in an instant, human ruins, and mysteries galore! Just a few hours working for you has gotten my heart pumping more than it has in years!”

“Don’t hurt yourself,” I said.

Thankfully, the teleport circles were all fairly close. At the moment, the particular circle we wanted was being guarded by two of Celestia’s goldshirts, both unicorns. “Are you planning on heading to the ship, my lady?” one of them asked.

“I am. I have some important books to drop off.”

“Please wait about three more minutes,” the guard said. “Items are currently being loaded onto the circle on the other side to be delivered here. Until the circle is clear, we can’t send you.”

“Understood. How’s working at this place?”

“Humbling,” the guy said. “Everything I thought was only possible with magic, made doable through sheer human will. Jonathan explained that the humans essentially recreated life on the planet. Apparently it’s thanks to your species that we even exist, my lady.”

“That was a very long time ago. Humans may have been the catalyst for life to be reborn on this world, but enough time has passed that you’ve probably evolved past their expectations.”

“Even so,” the guy said, looking around at all the wonders surrounding us. “It feels like we are still foals just standing on the shoulders of giants.”

“The wonders of humanity are many and vast, but at the end of the day, our own weakness killed us,” I said. “It was all we could do to cast a light of hope into the future. I don’t know if you’ll believe it, but one thing humans never had was a floating city. Cloudsdale floored me when I saw it. We may be able to use machines to control the weather, but humans couldn’t live as harmoniously with nature as you can. That’s something only magic provides.”

“Having lived in both worlds, which do you think is better?” the other guard asked.

“If I was forced to pick between the two, I’d say technology. It provides everyone with benefits. Magic can definitely be useful for society, but anyone can use technology. However, being in my position means I no longer have to choose. My new goal is to take what humans knew of technology and combine it with what ponies know of magic.”

“That’s what we heard,” the first guard said. “The craftsponies on the ship are working on that right now.”

“Is this upcoming shipment going to be prototypes?” I asked.

“We’re being shipped a new type of golem, supposedly for excavation purposes. We don’t really know the details, though.”

“I guess we’ll find out soon.”

And then soon became now as ten hulking figures appeared on the circle before us. Mixed among them was Sunshine Smiles, one of my blacksmiths. “Uh… My lady?”

“Hello, Smiles. Are things going well on the ship?”

“Yes, of course.” At least he didn’t stay flummoxed for long. “Are you teleporting over now?”

“That was the plan,” I said with a nod. “I want to deliver some books and take a look around. Now, tell me about these archeology golems.” I finally looked one of them up and down. These models were based on centaurs, surprisingly enough. There were several loops of metal where you could attach ropes or equipment. One arm ended in a pickaxe while the other ended in a hand. The head was a large lightbulb. All four legs ended in sharp looking spikes that seemed hard to walk on, but would probably allow them to dig into the ground to brace themselves. Each one already had a set of saddlebags.

“These were a collaboration work between Master Jak and I,” Smiles said. “They’re designed to help in the exploration of the bunker. Their pony-like frame allows them to carry weight more efficiently, while the human-like torso and arm give it reach and versatility. It’s made to be a pack mule that can dig, bust through walls, and carry researchers to safety if ghosts show up.”

“They look impressive,” I said. “I’m sure the field teams will be happy for the muscle. Are you going to drop them off personally?”

“No, I’m just here to hand control of the golems over to the guards,” he said. “Supply team alpha, designate this pony as the new squad leader.” He pointed at one of the guards. The golems didn’t move an inch. “That should do it. Tell the field teams to document any issue they come across and we’ll send a team to patch the runes.”

“Got it,” the guard replied with a nod. “And this was the last delivery this time?”

“Yes sir. The ship will remain on location for another hour and a half before we depart. Our lady should return before then.”

“We’ll keep the circle clear unless somepony actually needs to go through,” the other guard said. With that, the guard leading the golems bowed to me and started trotting off. The golems followed, their spiky legs making an eerie noise. Once the circle was clear aside from Smiles, my small party stepped onto it. “Are you ready?”

“I am,” I said. “If you would?” His horn lit up and we all got teleported to the deck of my giant yacht.

Chapter Two Hundred and Three

Chapter Two Hundred and Three

From a quick look around the surface of the ship, I knew things had drastically changed. When we first obtained the place, the deck was flat aside from where the wheel house was located. Now, there were several warehouses with large doors facing both inward and outward, away from the ship. There was also a single warehouse in the center of the ship, which the teleport circle was right next to.

Large flying insects were carrying resources like logs, stones, and ores and dropping them off in the warehouses. There, ponies, changelings, and griffins separated everything into further categories. In front of each warehouse was a large wagon that was hooked up to a wood golem shaped like a pony. Drones were loading things into the back of some of the wagons.

“This is a pretty impressive setup,” I said. “You guys have done well.” The unnamed mare from the tower seemed to be having a small mental meltdown, but I ignored it.

“We had a lot of help from the water elementals, especially Flo,” Smiles said. “Apparently she was able to tap into your brain to think of some very interesting solutions to problems we were running into. The elementals also taught us how to properly maintain forests, which has given us the chance to obtain a lot of wood and stone. Metals are harder to come by, but we still get enough that we can have all kinds of fun.”

“...Flo tapped into my brain, huh? I guess I was working overtime in the coma. So, this is the resource collection point. Where do those wagons go?”

“To the central elevator,” Smiles said. “It’s in the warehouse here.” He led the way into the central warehouse. Silence had to poke the mare from the tower a few times to make her start absentmindedly following us.

“So, does this elevator shaft cover the whole ship?” I asked.

“You got it. The primary inner storehouses are located around the central shaft. We’re working on a basic rail system along the main hallways to help move things around faster. We don’t have enough craftsponies for it to be a problem right away, but Jak already has a few dozen minotaur runecrafters heading toward Canterlot to join us. If we don’t have the problem solved, it’ll turn into a real headache.”

“There are a bunch of openings on the side of the ship, as well,” I said. “Couldn’t you have separate elevators on the four corners that go up and down the side of the ship? As I see it, the larger problem is the bottleneck of this central warehouse. It’s not an issue right now, but when you add more crafters, it might become a bigger issue than the internal transport network. Adding more elevators also slightly reduces the need for the internal transport network.”

“I’ll raise that point at the next meeting,” Smiles said with a nod. “For now, I’d like to take you to see Jak. He has two presents for you.”

“Then let’s go see Jak.” We continued walking toward the main freight elevator. A few wagons were already waiting on it, but it was nowhere near capacity.

“We got a VIP guest,” Smiles called when we got to the center of the elevator. “Can we head down ahead of schedule?”

The elevator operator peered around the line of wagons to take a look at us. When he saw me, his eyes went wide. “Yes, of course!” he immediately replied. “Everypony clear, we’re going down!” With that, the elevator began slowly descending. “What floor would you like to visit?”

“We’re heading to sector three,” Smiles said.

“Sector three it is!”

The ride down was interesting. I expected there to be walls or doors blocking off site, but the elevator descended straight through large storehouses where we could see strange bugs and ponies moving resources to carts pulled by more wooden golems. The first layer had all the organic materials like wood and food. The second layer was full of stones and rocks. The third layer was where all the metal went, and where our elevator ground to a stop. Two of the golems pulling carts starting walking, ferrying their ore-laden wagons into the storehouse.

Smiles paid them no mind and started walking to one of the larger hallways. Sure enough, there were rail tracks that followed along the center of the hall. “Is there going to be enough walking space left once the rail cart is in place?” I asked.

“No, but we already have a system in place for it,” Smiles said. “The hallway is going to be broken off into segments. Before the rail cart can proceed into the next segment, the halls have to be cleared. Each workshop has its own smaller storehouse, so we usually only need to resupply everyone once a day.”

“How’s everyone getting along with the local bugs?”

“It took some getting used to for the ponies and the griffins. The changelings were wary of the giant ants at first, for some reason, but they’re working together now with no issue.”

“Good. Are there any problems I need to help solve?”

“The biggest issue is the lack of a name for the ship,” Smiles said. “Apparently some of the ex-pirates you hired from Atlantis wanted to name it after you and a lot of the crafters got on board, but it was vetoed from above.”

“Ah, that issue has been resolved,” I said, patting him on the head. “This town is now called Skyhold.”

“...Town? Not ship?”

“Indeed. It’s too big to be considered just a ship. I want to turn this into a thriving crafter’s city, a place where they can live and fly from city to city to sell their wares.”

“That’s… good news,” Smiles said. “A lot of the ponies here were worried this place would only be used for war…”

“It’s being used for war because we’re about to have one. And even then, you yourself just delivered some golems that were made for exploration, not combat. That means even now, it’s not just being used for war. I want this city to build things to enrich the lives of others, not just things to take lives away.”

“Well, Jak’s going to be very happy to hear that,” Smiles replied with a big grin. “You know, you’re actually starting to sound like a proper noble.”

“I should certainly hope so. After all, now I’m even nobler. Celestia’s promoting me to countess.”

That made his ears twitch. “Impressive! Although I suppose with your achievements, that’s not too surprising. So I guess this town is going to be your main territory?”

“I’m also building a town next to the Everfree, along with my university. Celestia found me a bunch of colonists and everything. That will be my main town, but Skyhold will also be a very important territory.”

“Well, I guess that can’t be helped. Still, Skyhold will be very helpful for building your town up. These bugs can make all kinds of buildings.”

“I’ll use them for future expansion. Right now, I want them to focus on gathering material for the crafters. Celestia and Moonbeam are providing building support.”

“Must be nice to have friends in high places. Are you sure they aren’t loaning you the support?”

“Any building support from the government is a loan, because eventually the government is going to collect taxes on it. And I’m sure Moonie will take payment from my body. I’m not too worried about it. Although I would like some of the colonists to work on the ship for a bit to learn. Or maybe have some of the crafters work in the town to teach.”

“I think Jak would be fine with either,” Smiles said. “You can ask him. He should be in… here.” We finally entered one of the workshops. There were several stands that held various types of golems. Jak was currently standing in front of one that seemed to have several modular limbs, each with a different set of runes. An assistant changeling was taking notes while the golem moved one of its arms around. “Master Jak?”

“Back already?” Jak said, turning his head our way. His eyes widened when he saw me. “Oh ho, fancy seein’ you here, little lassie!”

“I figured I had enough beauty sleep. I was hoping you made your favorite lady a lot of fun new toys. And I also had a gift.”

“A gift?” He finally turned to face us. The first one he stared at was the hornless unicorn mare. He looked her up and down for a moment before staring at the books. “Do you have knowledge that Athena doesn’t?”

“Maybe,” I said. “This mare here was previously one of the seven head mages of the tower at Canterlot. She now works for me. She happened to have some books that I thought you might like to see, all the books about runes that the tower possesses. This also includes the runes they use to keep the big rock floating above their tower.”

“Perfect!” he said with a wide grin. “That fills one of the biggest gaps we had! Not even Athena could find the runes for levitation! Please, set them over here.” He walked to a large table in the corner of the room. Silence set the books down in the open spaces. “We’ll have one of the elementals help us read through these later, as well as make copies. Seriously, what were those eggheads at the tower thinking? Knowledge like this should be spread as widely as possible, not kept hidden away!”

“...My mind is starting to be changed,” the mare said, her ears drooping. “The things I have seen in the mere few hours I have worked under Countess Navarone have most surely amazed me. I’m pleased that I took the chance on you.”

“So, are these modular golems?” I asked.

“Yep! With this kind of setup, we can mix and match various effects for various situations. What was once a combat golem could instantly be turned into a housekeeping golem. Modeling the body parts is easier this way, but there’s a loss in power between the modular parts and the main body when compared with normal golems. That’s what we’re working on now. But if you’re interested, I’ve got a special present for you.”

“I am,” I said. Please tell me it’s a golem I can use to replace Kat…

“Come along this way, then,” he said. “It’ll be a little walk, but I can tell you about our progress on the way.” He led the way into the hall and we all followed along behind. “Not you, Smiles! Take those books to the research team. Those nerds will dig through them faster than we can.” The named pony groaned and returned to the room.

“Before you get started talking, I figured you might be interested,” I said. “This town is now named Skyhold.”

“Skyhold, eh? I reckon that’ll do. Is that with or without an e at the end?”

“Without. Why make people write an extra letter for no reason? I had a plan for the ship after the war on Tartarus is over, if you’re interested.”

“Of course I am, lassie. All of your plans are exciting!”

“I plan to hire any craftsmen who are interested in working for me and letting them live here, traveling the world to find new materials, learn new techniques, sell everything they make, and help build up cities. I want to make this place famous enough that towns throw a festival when it flies through. Do you think that’s viable?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“I’m sure if you let me spread the word, even more craftsmen will come now. And if you let me fly this tub to Minos, the entire city will pitch in to upgrade it. All of our tools are well made for ponies, but our output would increase significantly if we had the best equipment available. We can’t get that anywhere but Minos, and teleporting equipment that large would be difficult.”

“How long do you think it would take this ship to get there? You’d probably run out of supplies before even getting across the ocean.”

“Oh no, that won’t be a problem,” Jak said. “The warehouses you saw on the way down are only the freshest supplies. There’s more storage further in that everything gets distributed to. At the moment, we’re probably at fifteen to twenty percent capacity, which will last the current number of workers we have for a month. The goal is to be a third full by the time we get to Canterlot, where the princess will help load us up. Right now, we’re just experimenting to see what retains magic runes the best.”

“I saw a bunch of wooden golems on the way here,” I said.

“Most types of wood we’ve found don’t hold magic very well,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Because of that, the best you can really do is super basic motions. One of the griffin assistants figured it would be enough to walk, so we built a mockup wooden pony, used a few basic runes, and made it charge at Smiles. Unfortunately, they can’t move very quickly, but they can essentially move forever while pulling a decent amount of weight.”

“I can certainly see a market for something like that,” I said. “It’s not quite a car, but it’s a step in the right direction. What about stone?”

“That’s much better, depending on the type of stone. The more dense the stone, generally the more magic it can hold. But even relatively common stones can hold enough magic to make golems. They need to be hardened with extra runes and their performance is much lower than the metal golems, but they’re strong enough to take down a few platoons of ponies.”

“That’s not saying much,” Kat purred, quietly enough that only I could hear it.

“With hardening, how do they stand up to battle hammers or maces?”

“Depends on the quality of the weapon and the arm of the one swinging it. With hardening, iron weapons would damage the golem, but might break. Steel would definitely destroy one, but the weapon might get damaged. If I’m being downright honest, fielding a golem in battle against almost any of the races that exist right now is outright malicious. Changelings and griffins would be the only ones to stand a chance, and that’s just because they can fly. Minotaurs, dragons, and naga could take care of rock golems, but it would take an elder dragon to destroy a metal golem. Even a few rock golems could easily destroy a city. So please don’t get hung up on the small details, my lady. These things are incredibly deadly, even if they’re weaker than the metal golems.”

“Wait, are you serious? Could these things really clear a city?” I asked.

“Have you seen the state of the Equestrian military?” Jak asked. “The standard attack for their infantry is… a kick. What’s a kick gonna do to a rock golem? The pegasi could try dropping things on the golems, but they run the risk of the things they drop being thrown back. Unicorns could possibly use the environment to trap a golem, but they’re almost impossible to directly attack with magic. If any of these golems went wild, the only thing that could realistically stop it is one of the elementals, Jonathan, or one of the overpowered sisters.”

“Nice, so we created some unstoppable super soldiers!” I said. “How do you think they’ll fare against demons?”

“I’ve been told that demons are weakest to silver and iron. We’ve made several prototype demon slayers out of iron. Once we have the designs down, we’ll begin producing them in both iron and silver. The silver models can hold much more magic, so they’re considerably more powerful.”

“Would it be possible to use a steel frame with iron or silver weapons?” I asked.

“That was part of the point of making the modular golem you saw back there,” he said. “If all we’re talking about is a golem made to fight, they really don’t need anything more than a very pointy arm, like the legs of the exploration golems you probably saw on the way in. After all, killing is just as easy as stabbing something hard enough. So most of the weapons we equip the golems with will be very simple, not things that need a lot of runes. We can have steel frames with iron weapons specialised for slaying demonspawn. Then we can use full silver to make the models used to kill the stronger demons.”

“That seems like so much work, though,” Kat said. “If the golems are as strong as you say, why not just create a ton of cheap iron golems and let them do all the work?”

“Because where’s the fun in that?” I asked. “Jak’s having a blast. Who are you to stop the natural progression of weaponry? If we listened to all the naysayers, we’d still be using clubs and rocks instead of magic golems and runic artillery!”

“Speaking of which, we’ve already started prototypes of the artillery,” Jak said. “Luna used her magic to help speed that project along, borrowing knowledge from Flo, Blaze, and Char. All the artillery pieces are finished. Now we’re just experimenting with the ammunition and the propellant.”

“For accuracy, you need two things. First, some spin to the bullet. Second, a lot of speed to the bullet. You’d need runes for two vectors. One for rotation and the other for acceleration. If you can attach runes to the artillery piece to make the bullet spin and to expel it, that would solve your issue.”

“That’s the missing piece I mentioned before,” Jak said, nodding. “Levitation is the act of using enough magic to counteract what’s keeping us on the planet. I’m hoping the rune is actually something that applies force in a specific direction. If so, we can easily use it to make guns a possibility.”

“Wonderful. They uncovered one in the bunker recently, a basic rifle with a basic scope. I’m having it delivered to my house so we can use it as a model. This particular weapon has historical significance, so I’d rather it not be damaged too heavily.”

“We’ll take care of it.”

“And they uncovered another, smaller gun called a revolver. I don’t mind showing it around the ship myself, but I’m not letting anyone take it out of my sight.”

“Suspicious, but no problem. Having more actual examples to learn from will be valuable. There’s no need to destroy the existing models.”

“Fantabulous. By chance, do you think this ship could be used to remodel boats into airships?”

“Yes,” he replied with a nod. “But we’ll need to finish the cranes we’re building first and we’ll only be able to do two to four at a time, depending on their size. Speaking of which, I’d like to request two scouting airships. The bugs can harvest an astounding amount of resources once they’ve found what they’re looking for, but we have to use magic with a limited range to hunt for resources. Right now, we’re using chariots, but those are very limited.”

“I can’t promise it’ll be quick, but it will happen. I’m apparently building a town near the Everfree. Part of the package is a group of mercenaries. I’m planning on sending them with Luna to borrow some pirate ships. We can use the ones you don’t need for trading.”

“Excellent. What races are the mercenaries?”

“Dogs, unicorns, griffins, and cats.”

“Good. I’ll upgrade their equipment with runes. I dare any of them to lose to mere pirates after that! We’ve also worked out a way to add a few runes to crossbows, but it only makes the bolt fly faster. Still, that’ll be useful against pirates.”

“Bows would be more useful at sea. It’s harder to aim on a rocking boat, so something fast firing is better. But if you have time to set up a shot, then crossbows definitely do the trick. Especially if your target is just hovering in the air, gloating like a moron. I’m not sure how well the dogs would be able to use them, but the cats would probably be super deadly with crossbows. It’ll be a hundred dogs and ten cats.”

“We’re working on automatic crossbows now, which should solve most of those issues. We can do metal armor for the unicorns, but it’s hard to make armor for a griffin.”

“What about leather? That’s what Athena’s golems are made of.”

“We’re in the experimental phases of applying runes to leather,” he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. “Leather from normal food animals that you can get from the griffins can’t hold much magic. It takes leather from magical creatures like those in the Everfree to make something worth using. Unfortunately, those are a pain to come across unless you happen to know of a nearby cursed area. We can harvest some when we get to Canterlot. I never thought to make armor out of it, though…”

“When you harden leather the right way, it’s very tough. If you add on runes, I imagine it would become stronger than typical steel armor while being several times lighter and more comfortable.”

“...Interesting. That adds several more uses for leather.”

“Humans used leather for a lot of things. More than anything else, I was shocked that almost no cultures here have a history of using it. The griffins do some work with it, but not much. I guess that just means there’s yet another market I get to monopolize…”

“That evil smirk suits you well, countess,” Kat said, rubbing the top of her head against my neck. “I do so love watching you ascend the stairs of power!”

“Good, because you’re going to be seeing a lot more of it in the future. So, what else have you guys been up to on the ship?”

“Well, Jonathan’s working on perfecting his miracle fruits and vegetables. They’re designed to be everything a human needs to sustain themselves while tasting amazing. He’s also working on berries that help restore your energy very quickly. He says that when he’s done, they can be grown just about anywhere without any special attention or need for fancy fertilizers. Though without his help, it would take a while for them to grow.”

“I’m looking forward to the final results. I also hope he can help me grow some spices and coffee. There are a ton of plant materials that the ponies still don’t have access to.”

“He said the berries were made to replace coffee. They’re more effective, taste better, and are healthier, according to him.”

“I don’t care, I still want my coffee. Oh, has there been any luck with replicating the big dome shield that was over the Zone? I feel like that might be useful in Tartarus.”

“Most of the runes in that room went into converting the energy from the lava into magic, and that required a living being to act as the transfer point. If we want to convert lava into magical energy without a sacrifice, we’ll need more space for more runes, but it’s probably possible. Those runes in particular were for converting heat into magic, but it’s probably possible to convert other types of energy into magic as well.”

“Would a tree work instead of a person?”

“No, don’t be ridiculous. I already said wood doesn’t retain magic well.”

“Wood doesn’t, sure,” I said. “But what about a tree?”

“Trees are made of wood!” Jak said, almost shouting.

“Yeah, dead wood. Athena told me that magic comes from life, and that more life in an area, even if it’s just plantlife, generates more magic. So it makes sense that normal wood would hold as much magic as normal leather. But according to Luna, people can either engrave or tattoo themselves with runes to get their power. Could you do the same thing to a tree that’s still living, using the tree’s life force to maintain the magic?”

“That… is actually a good question. We have not tried. I’ll ask some of the wood runecrafters to visit the surface with some of the collection squads to test it. All of your ideas really are exciting!”

“Has Flo been helping provide schematics for technologies you want to experiment with?”

“She’s spread the knowledge on the laptop to the rest of the elementals, minus Aerie,” Jak said. “The engines on this airship are all runic, so we’re studying them as best we can without disassembling them. Once we know more, we’ll combine what we learned with engine schematics from the humans to see what we can cobble together. That’s currently the primary goal of the runic research team. Those books will be invaluable to them.”

“I’m glad,” the unnamed mare said. “It’s better that books be read than sitting pointlessly in a library. To be honest, I barely even cracked those books open before bringing them here. If I had understood the potential for runes, I would have paid considerably more attention.”

“Minotaurs have a long history of working with runes, but most of the ones we knew before I met the little lassie here were very basic. Athena has opened my eyes considerably, but there are gaps even in her knowledge. Or perhaps there are just gaps in her memory? It’s impossible to tell with her.”

“Did… did you walk her maze?” the mare whispered.

“Indeed, along with my golem. Didn’t Taya also walk it?”

“She did, with Kat’s help,” I said. “Luna did it on her own. So did Celestia. From what Athena told me, the maze changes itself based on the number of people you bring. Each extra person multiplies the number of rooms. Two is probably the sweet spot, if they go in prepared. One is good if that person is very powerful or they have something powerful like a golem. Three is suicide unless you’re all very powerful, very prepared, and very coordinated. However, the rewards you can get in Athena’s realm can make it worthwhile, but certainly not worth your life.”

“...Even a little filly made it,” the mare muttered. She followed it with a sigh.

“Taya’s no mere little girl,” Kat said. “She’s our lady’s vicious attack filly! The number of ways she can use magic to destroy things is incredibly impressive.”

“And scary,” Jak unnecessarily added.

“Yes, and it’s utterly terrifying,” Kat said, nodding. “No one girl should have all that power. The clock’s ticking, I’m just counting the hours…”

“Taya’s not gonna go trippin’ off the power,” I said, patting her arm. “And if she ever does, the plan is to kill her, start over from her last seed, and tell her I killed her as punishment for something trivial. That’ll put her in her place.”

“I thought Doppel told you that you weren’t allowed to say things like that anymore,” Kat said.

“Oh, were jokes about murdering my filly included?”

“Yep, that’s our lady for you,” Jak said. “I guess if her backup method works, killing her isn’t the worst thing that you could do, but… Should her mother really be saying things like that?”

“Probably not, if I’m being honest,” I replied with a shrug. “So let’s get back on topic.”

“No time, we’re at our destination,” Jak said, finally stepping into one of the workshops.

We all followed. There were several sets of runic armor in this room. Two sets stood out. One because it was obviously made for a biped and the other because it seemed to be made for a filly about Taya’s size. I suddenly had a pretty good guess as to what his gift was.

“Your new armor is finished, my lady,” he predictably said. You could have at least wrapped it in a canvas or something. “We’ve also finished the primary pieces of Taya’s armor.”

“The primary pieces?” I asked.

“Luna knows a lot more runes related to equine bodies than bipedal bodies, so she gave us several runic combinations with different effects. This one provides an overall increase in physical abilities and can be powered with a blood gem to increase its physical defense, her strength, and her speed.”

“Sounds nice. Nothing for her magic potential?”

“Luna told us that’s a double-edged sword we don’t want to touch. The reasons are really complex, but I can explain if you’re interested.”

“I’m not.” The tower mare whimpered just a little. We ignored it. “What does my armor do?”

“Luna only knew one runic combination for bipeds,” Jak said. “It’s called the Revenant Armor. At the start, it acts as normal armor. But the more blood you shed while wearing it, the stronger it becomes. That includes physical defense, your strength, your speed, your stamina, and eventually it’ll begin changing shape to suit you better.”

“All of that sounds pretty eerie,” I said. “Do I have to actually kill people while wearing it, or will making people bleed do it?”

“Luna specifically said it reacts to blood, not to death. She was quite particular about it, in fact. She also offered to be the first one to bleed for you to increase your strength.”

“Too bad,” Kat said. “That will be my responsibility!”

“We don’t have anyone who can heal in here, so it’ll have to wait. Now, help me get it on.”

“B-but my lady, there are others here,” Kat whispered, staring at Jak.

“By which I very obviously meant help me put the armor on. Get your mind out of the gutter, you whore.”

“Oh. W-well… There are still others present! My lady, you shouldn’t just let others see you naked…”

“Half the people in this room are naked, Kat. She doesn’t care and Jak just sees me as a lassie, so get over yourself.” With that, I pushed her away and started trying to pull my dress off. Kat groaned before doing it for me. With that thing out of the way, I kicked off my shoes and approached the suit of armor. It was a surprisingly shiny set of black fluted armor. The runes were painted with red magical ink. “What’s this armor made out of? Its radiance is unreal.”

“Titanium. So is Taya’s. The amount of magic it can store is incredible.”

“Wow. I guess you can’t go wrong with that. Wait, before I try putting this on, has it been adjusted for my new measurements?”

“Yes. We borrowed Luna for some magic molding. Some of the runes had to be redone, but it didn’t take long. If you’d like, she can mold it to be a tighter fit to show off more of your curves.”

“That sounds like a bad idea for practical purposes, so no.” Kat began helping me put everything. Given that it was made of titanium, it was unbelievably light. “This is amazing. But… why isn’t there a helmet?”

“It goes against the purposes of the Revenant runes. According to Luna, the runes can only be applied to a set of armor that’s under a certain set weight. It’s supposed to be used for berserker tactics, where the warrior rushes in and uses speed and strength to wear enemies down. Heavy armor would slow the warrior down and impede his movements. Since the main bipeds she worked with were cats, that fit their fighting style perfectly.”

“It certainly does,” Kat said with a nod. “My lady, a similar set of armor would make me more proficient in battle.”

“If you think Jak’s going to outfit a bunch of no-name mercenaries before the people I personally picked, you’re out of your mind,” I said. “Jak, hook everyone up with the best stuff we can get them.”

“The new armor for all your pony guards is in the final stages. We’ve also prepared some pieces for the naga and Spike. We had no idea Kat would be interested in armor, but we’ll set aside another batch of titanium for her.”

“Please make mine as sexy as possible,” Kat said. “I’d like to be able to catch my lady’s eye even on the battlefield.”

“That would be my pleasure,” the (apparently lecherous) old man replied.

“Is the battlefield really the best place to catch someone’s eye? What if I get distracted and killed because of it?”

“Then I will finally be able to brag about my killer body,” Kat dreamily replied.

“Well, everyone’s gotta have a goal, I guess,” Jak said. “I’ll happily respect it.”

“S-so… What’s that ink made from?” the mare quietly asked.

“Crushed blood gems, virgin blood, ink, and a dash of chili powder for coloring and to help spice it up a little.”

Kat leaned in and licked one of the runes on my armor. “Oh wow, you’re right. It’s faint, though. The blood mostly overpowers it, but I definitely catch hints of the ink. I felt the crushed gems, but couldn’t taste them.”

“Kat, you can’t just go around licking people in public,” I said. “So, do I look like a hero yet?”

“Now you look like a fairy sword princess,” Kat said. I decided to see how flexible my tail was by attempting to choke Kat with it. The noises she was barely able to make told me it was definitely pretty flexible.

“So, do I look like a hero yet?” I asked, looking at the other two with a smile.

“Yes, my lady!” the mare immediately replied.

“With Kat in your grip like that, I’d say you seem a little more like a villain,” Jak said. “It looks like she’s starting to enjoy it, but that really doesn’t make you look any better…”

That told me all I needed to know, so I released my naughty catgirl and walked over to the long mirror set up in one of the corners. The bright black armor with the blood red runes all over it just didn’t seem to suit me for some reason. “Can we darken the metal?”

“Absolutely not,” Jak said. “I was okay with it when you were just a mercenary queen, but now you’re going to be a general. You have to stand out to inspire the troops.”

“I don’t want to be blinded by my own armor. But whatever. Once I shed enough blood, maybe it’ll change to something unassuming. I should start wearing this around instead of a dress.”

“We could probably make you a really pretty combat dress,” Jak said. “It wouldn’t be ready in time for the pageant, but it would be finished before the Gala.”

“What are you talking about? Celestia can’t force me to go to the Gala anymore. And more to the point, the very idea of a combat dress is completely contradictory. I forbid you from making one and I especially forbid you from bringing it up around others. That goes for you too, Kat.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is, but okay,” Jak said with a shrug. Kat looked extremely disappointed, but part of that might have just come from getting choked.

“When can you have Taya’s armor delivered? The sooner she gets used to wearing it, the better. I don’t plan on having her participate in any more fights, but it’s still better that she knows how to deal with armor just in case.”

“I can have it packed up and sent to the teleport circle so you can take it with you when you leave, if you’d like,” Jak said.

“I would. Do you happen to know if a runic horn would be possible?”

Jak looked over at the dehorned mare, whose eyes were now wide. “Unfortunately, I don’t think so,” he said, turning his head back to me. “If it did work, it would probably have to be charged with blood gems and it would likely only have a limited number of possible spells. Zecora might know some spooky voodoo that could help.”

“Do you know what she did with all the alicorn we looted from the unicorns guarding the bunker?”

“Zecora had a workroom built at the bunker. They’re likely stored within it.”

“Cool. Those unicorns weren’t very good at magic, but I guess a weak horn is better than none. Is that fine with you?”

“Yes!” the mare yelled. “I… I thought I would… have to get one myself.”

“I doubt Zecora will care if we take one. We’ll stop by her workroom on the way back. You can get Twilight to attach it later. Now, what else do you have to show me?”

The next few things on the tour were magic artillery pieces. None of them were very large, but I wasn’t expecting the prototypes to take up too many resources. The fact that the artillery was easily transportable and had a wide aiming range was more important than being able to shoot very far, at least at the moment. I did eventually want a gun large enough that it would take a train to move it, but that was a project for the future. There was no ammo for the artillery, nor was there a system to make the cannons actually fire, so looking them over didn’t take very long.

After that, Jak took us to view some of the other siege weapons that had been found on the ship. Most were similar in nature to a ballista or catapult, with a few variations here and there. To be honest, there aren’t that many different ways to make siege engines without using magic or technology.

That said, these ballistae and catapults had been upgraded with various runes. From what Jak told us, a single shot from one of the ballistae could punch a hole through a castle wall. Clearly, choosing to attack the ship head on before it could get above us had been the right call. If our shields had been hit by the siege weapons on the ship, we would have either been wiped out or forced to retreat.

The last thing Jak showed us in the metalworking area was where they built the crossbows. They already had a prototype of a repeating crossbow, but it was so bulky that it had to be mounted for anyone other than a minotaur to fire it. And instead of having a trigger, it used a crank. Twisting the crank to a certain degree would pull the string back, which released the mechanism holding the top bolt of the magazine in place. Twisting the crank further pushed the bolt out and then locked it into place. Continuing to twist would release the locks on the bolt and the string, propelling the round forward. At that point, the crank would be back in the beginning position and could be spun to fire once more. It was exactly the kind of thing that I wanted to mount onto a flying chariot.

Other than the really cool repeating crossbow, they also had several runic crossbows of various sizes. All the pony researchers had the common goal of making a crossbow model that even ponies could use, so several of the pieces we saw were fairly outlandish. I also think that ponies need more and better weapons, but I’m not really sure something that takes two hands to wield is the best choice.

One of the crossbows was a special order from Kat, so we took it with us on the way out. The runic bolts would have to be delivered later, since they ended up being very heavy. Her melee weapons had already been finished and delivered, so we didn’t need to worry about them.

After we finished on deck three, Jak took us up to the second deck to show off the stone golems. They could be made much more quickly and cheaply than metal golems, yet they were still strong enough to take out a city. Truly, it was impressive.

The prototype rock golems were made of rough stone and definitely weren’t pretty, but I could tell by looking at them that a punch from their arms would be lethal. The newer golems were polished to the point of being shiny and the runes were drawn on with much more precision. They were also made of different types of stone.

Three golems in particular stood out. One was made of mostly clear crystal. I could see swirls of magic inside of it. They were centered around the runes covering the outside, but the magical current obviously went through the entire golem. The next was made of a green stone called aventurine. Normally, that kind of rock is very rough. But when sanded down, it becomes so smooth that it can be hard to hold. This particular golem had been polished so well that the green was nearly a black. The last golem was made of obsidian and had blood rubies lodged where a human’s eyes should be. Apparently those gems allowed it to imbue heat into its strikes.

Since there were already a few dozen stone golems just waiting in the storehouse, I had him send those three up to the deck so I could take them with us when we left. An unstoppable super soldier that only obeys me sounds like a good bodyguard to keep around. It wouldn’t quite be a replacement for Kat, but with luck, I could use the golems to guard me instead every now and then.

Also, they looked badass. Having one of those walking with me around Canterlot would start the right kinds of rumors and keep ruffians away at the same time.

A lot of other things were being built with stone, but most of the stonecrafter rune workers were trying to put runes to use in making better buildings with more features. The only thing of interest at the moment was a runic air conditioner, but I didn’t care enough to walk all the way to see it.

Instead, he took us to the first deck, where all the wooden things were being made. A lot was going on there as well, but the only thing he wanted to show us was the runic instruments. Apparently they had been experimenting with the magic horn I got at the same time I picked up Athena’s book and used some of the runes on other instruments to create a variety of effects. When played, the music could calm someone, rile them up, confuse them, or put them to sleep. Unfortunately, the effect also worked on the person playing the instrument, so it still needed to be tweaked. But once it’s perfected, bards will finally have their place in Equestria.

By the time we finished looking over the instruments, it was almost time for the ship to start moving again. I definitely didn’t want to get stranded on board, so I called it quits on the tour and we headed back up top. Jak left us at the elevator and went back down while we walked to the teleporter.

Waiting for us there were three golems and a box of armor. Once everyone and everything was in the teleport circle, Silence used magic to take us back to the fortress at the top of the bunker. The two guards were still standing there and seemed somewhat surprised to see the large golems with us.

“Are these more prototypes?” one of them asked.

“No, these are going to be my new guards,” I said. “No one is going to be stabbing me in the back with a horn while they’re around.”

“...Please don’t bring that up around Luna,” the other guard said, rubbing the back of his neck. “From the stories I heard from the ones on duty, she was angry enough after it happened that she’s probably still looking for ways to get back at us for letting Blueblood through…”

“Didn’t Blueblood poison the party first?” the ex-unicorn mare asked. “I heard that he used a plant from the Everfree to confuse everyone that ate the food. Weren’t the guards eating, too?”

“It truly takes a vile mind to poison innocent partygoers,” I idly said, looking off into the distance. “Especially at a party as famous as Celestia’s Gala. I’m sure both princesses were furious. I spent most of the month afterwards bedridden, so I didn’t get to see either that often right afterwards. Although I did have two different princesses staying in my house at the time, so there’s that. One married and the other wasn’t interested in me, though, so having them around was more draining than anything.”

“I don’t think you’re meant to talk about royalty that way…” one of the guards muttered.

“Who died and made Cadance a princess, anyway? I certainly didn’t vote for her. Anyway, I’d like to visit one of the workshops in the fort. Kat, Silence, do you know where Zecora’s shop is?”

“Most of my time in the Zone is spent underground,” Kat said. “Same for Silence. We don’t really walk around the fort.”

“I see. Would one of you guards be able to guide us around?”

“We only really know the surface level and a few of the common areas inside, but I can take you to one of the water elementals inside,” half the guards said. “With the ship leaving, our shift is basically over anyway.”

“I don’t plan to stay long, I just want to pick something up and leave. If Silence heads home first, could you teleport me back once I’m done?”

“Of course, my lady,” the guard replied with a bow.

“Thank you. Silence, take the golems and the box back to the house. The box should go to my room. For now, have the crystal golem sent to my room, the aventurine golem sent to guard the main entrance, and the obsidian golem patrol the yard.” He bowed and led the golems off, floating the box of armor behind him. “So, where to?”

“You’re right where you need to be,” the guard said. He took a few steps closer, so he was also on the teleport pad. Then his horn lit up and we appeared in a roped off corner of a large common area. A few off-duty guards looked up when we arrived and their eyes widened. Whispers spread across the room as our guide led the way further in. Acknowledging the peasants was beneath me, of course, so I dutifully ignored them.

Our guide didn’t have to take us far. The water elemental in question was in an office attached to the common area. She turned pink and bowed when she saw me. “Welcome to the fort, my lady,” Waterfall said.

“There’s no real need to pay obeisance to me, you know,” I said. “It’s nice to see you again. How are things going here?”

She stood back up to show off her smile. “Our progress in studying the objects Jonathan provides us is going well. Our progress in dealing with the lingering spirits on the surface is mostly finished. The progress below, in the bunker proper, has been slow. Unfortunately, there’s nothing any of us can really do to help Zecora…”

“I wonder if she’s considered taking on an apprentice. I’ll ask her next time I see her. Speaking of Zecora, I need to pick something up from her workshop, but I don’t know the way. Can you point us in the right direction?”

“I’d be happy to guide you myself,” she replied. “It’s not a very long walk. This fortress is far too large for all the researchers and soldiers we have on site, so everything is pretty close together despite the place being so huge.”

“Then lead the way, if you’d be so kind.”

“Follow me, my lady.” With that, Waterfall led the way out. We went from the common room to a long hallway that led so far into the distance that the curve of the fortress blocked our vision. “Princess Gilda would probably appreciate it if you visited, too. Her lab is on the way.”

“She has a lab here?” I asked.

“Apparently she wanted to spend her time before the pageant learning more about nanomachines, so she asked if she could set up a lab to study us and Jonathan. None of us saw any harm in it, so we allowed it.”

“We can stop by to say hi on the way out, I guess. I figured she would be spending more time trying to get her university together, but whatever.”

“The upside of being royalty is that she can easily get all the support she might need, even without proper preparations,” Kat said.

“That’s not necessarily true for the youngest princess of the warlike race when she wants to build an institute of learning. From my understanding, Gilda’s influence is relatively weak due to her status as an eccentric who actually likes learning. Without proper planning, getting a university running might be difficult, time consuming, and might even require hiring teachers from outside. That would be the worst case scenario.”

“What’s wrong with that?” the mare from the tower asked. “We’ve had a few griffins working in the tower before and none had problems learning from us.”

“The griffins that come to Equestria are usually very different from the griffins who don’t,” I said. “I can only imagine griffins reacting poorly to a university being funded by royalty having a staff made up solely of ponies. Their pride would take a huge hit and they’d have issues recruiting students. It’s not a problem to have some teachers of other races, but if most of them are, that wouldn’t be viable.”

“Our lady is right,” Kat said. “They wouldn’t take kindly to learning from ponies in their own country. But surely griffin teachers would flock to a university with royal backing!”

“Maybe. But that’s leaving up to chance what could instead be taken care of by preparation. I guess her university isn’t really my concern, though. I’m sure she’ll manage. If not, she can ask for my help.”

“Do you think water elementals could be teachers?” Waterfall asked.

“I was hoping that was the kind of role the water elementals would take after everything is said and done,” I replied. “I heard Flo spread the knowledge from the laptop around. That means all of you know basically everything humanity knew. I feel like using that knowledge to teach and guide the mortal races is pretty close to what you were originally designed to do. The main difference is that now you won’t be acting as gods.”

“I… I also think that might be a good role for us,” Waterfall said. “It would not do for us to recreate all of this technology ourselves. The mortal races must be allowed to live their own lives, building what they wish where they wish it. Our role should no longer be ruling but guiding. I heard you were founding a university of your own, my lady. Would you allow a water elemental to teach there?”

“Yes. I’m also founding a town around the university. Having a few water elementals there would be a good thing, I think. It’s going to be a town with a lot of different races, so you guys could help keep the peace.”

“I’ll bring it up with my sisters, then,” Waterfall said with a nod. “As much as I’d love to volunteer, it’s better to discuss these things first… Okay, we’ve decided. Naiad and I will help your town.”

That was fast. I guess it makes sense, given that they’re all connected now. “Wonderful. I’m not sure exactly when construction will begin, but Flo will keep you informed.”

“Good timing,” Waterfall said, slowing to a stop. “This is Zecora’s workshop.” She pushed the door open and slid back.

“Kat, you first,” I said. Just in case there’s a trap. Kat thought nothing of my innocuous command and went inside. Nothing happened to her, so the mare and I followed.

As expected, most of Zecora’s workshop was taken up by alchemical equipment. The rest was taken up by alchemical reagents. They were all very organized, so finding the horns we were looking for was easy. Soon enough, the mare was looking over ten different horns, trying to decide which to pick.

“So… where exactly did these come from?” she asked as she fitted one of the horns to the nub on her forehead. “You mentioned the assault on the bunker, but…”

“The sapient nanomachines that lived here protected this place from all manner of interference. One of the things it could do was claim the bodies of those that attacked, destroying their minds in the process. So it gathered together a bunch of ponies that attacked and then began breeding them. Since food was never an issue and they couldn’t die of old age due to the nanites, the population rapidly grew. Then we swept through and killed most of them over the course of two days. Since useful reagents like alicorn and dragon bones are hard to come by, we made sure to loot what we could from the bodies.”

“...I see. I’d like this one.” She picked the one with the same color as the rest of her stub. It could be reattached without being too noticeable.

“Then let’s put the others back and leave before more people try to talk to me,” I said. Kat was already cleaning up our very small mess, so I probably didn’t need to give the order. Moments later, we were back out in the hall. Kat had the mare’s new horn in a pocket.

“So, our next stop is the princess’s workshop?” Waterfall asked as she started sliding back the way we came.

“Yes,” I said. I didn’t really want to deal with Princess Gilda at the moment, but she might be a little peeved if she found out I stopped by and didn’t say anything.

“Well, here we are,” Waterfall replied, sliding to a stop in front of the door right next to Zecora’s room. Her knock on the door sounded strangely solid for someone who appeared to be made out of water. Instead of waiting for a reply, she opened the door just a crack and slid her upper body through. A moment later, she slipped back out. “You may enter.” She opened the door the rest of the way and waved me through.

The others stayed out in the hall for some reason. That was fine by me, because I really didn’t want to stay long. When I walked in, I saw several griffins poking through produce, gems, and potted plants. The princess was among them, but she noticed me enter and walked over immediately. “Welcome, Nav. Would you like a quick tour?”

Not really, but… “If you wouldn’t mind. I thought it would be a good idea to learn more about what’s actually going on here. To be honest, I thought you might be using this place to try to reverse engineer some of the artifacts.”

“When you first began teaching me human knowledge from your laptop, you told me something that didn’t honestly click until I began seeing the first few artifacts that were pulled out. We don’t even have the tools needed to make the tools needed to repair the technology the humans had. We’re so many technological generations behind that as far as we’re concerned, those devices might as well be magical artifacts. The only things I even recognized were those you showed me pictures of, or things that weren’t technological in nature. We’re going to have to start from scratch and work our way forwards. The shortcut your knowledge grants us will be enough. But that does not mean the Zone has nothing of value for us. Rare are the crops that grow in the cold north. With the farming methods you’ve provided, we did increase our yields, but having crops that were built from the ground up to be resistant to cold will change everything for us… and for our northerly neighbors in the Crystal Empire.”

“And Jonathan just gave that to you?” I asked. “I assumed he was hoarding most of his haul for humanity.”

“I used logic against him,” Gilda proudly replied, holding a claw to her chest. “Since all of the living races are technically human creations, that means the humans wouldn’t want us to die off, and in fact would prefer it if we prosper so we can more easily defeat Discord. To that end, I posited, it would be better to give us at least the means with which to prosper. All I asked for were seeds, not for him to come and build us an entire nation-sustaining farm. After a few seconds of thinking, he muttered something about coming to a consensus, and then spat out a pack of seeds infused with nanites. Apparently the first batch will grow instantly, but after that, we’ll have to grow them ourselves. This over here is the final product.”

She led me to a small row of potted plants. “Are those brussel sprouts?” I asked.

“Oh, you know them?” she asked, seeming fairly shocked. “So these were a human crop?”

“Yeah. You know, I thought ponies had brussel sprouts? Maybe not… Well, whatever. I’m sure Jonathan’s done all kinds of modifications to these, anyway. It looks like you also have onions in the list of samples. Are you growing those, too?”

“Oh ho, so Jonathan truly must have modified them,” Gilda said. “Behold!” She reached out to one of the plants and ripped it out of the pot, roots and all. That’s when I saw that onions were dangling at the ends of said roots.

“Isn’t that neat?” I said, reaching over to grab one. They were some fairly hefty red onions. “I know ponies have these, or at least they have golden onions. But I’ve never seen them grow on the end of brussel sprouts. Jonathan’s going to be very useful, I see.” I let the onion drop back down and Gilda shoved the whole thing back in the pot.

“This will help lower food costs,” Gilda said. “And when those are lowered, griffins will be able to spend more money on other things… like technology!”

“That’s correct,” I said. “But that means you need to make them want to buy technology. When I was in Gryphus the last time, all the shopkeepers and business owners I ran into had nothing but nice things to say about you, because of how much tech you’ve brought to them. That right there is your ticket. If you can market your products to the shop owners and sell things to them, they’ll do the job of convincing all the commoners for you.”

“That was… more or less my plan,” she said. “I was hoping that giving things to the shop owners would help, but…”

“Just giving things away isn’t enough. You need to market your product, not just sell it. But that’s something we can talk about later. I’d like to know the story behind those gems they’re playing with. I can understand needing crops, but why do you need those?”

“There’s an overabundance of magic in Equestria that leads to a variety of interesting effects,” Gilda said. “One of those effects is that many of the gems they find are already naturally cut, at least to an acceptable degree. However, most of the gems we find in our nation are uncut and rough. We knew beautiful gems were possible, but we assumed that without magic, they were unattainable. But the gems that Jonathan provided us with were cut from rough gems! It’s astounding! If a technique like this can travel to Gryphus, the mounds and mounds of useless rocks we have can be turned into gold!”

“Oh, gem cutting,” I said with a nod. “Humans had to use tools to dig their gems out of the ground. Then they had to cut them by hand to make them beautiful. Yeah, that’ll definitely make bank.”

“...So you know of gem cutting, too,” Gilda slowly said. “I truly wish I had brought a list of questions when I visited all those years ago. There are a number of things I’m sure a human could definitely help fix in our kingdom, but without knowledge of what to even ask, it’s hard to make much progress…”

“Now that I’m finally beginning to feel the sparks of ambition for the first time in a long time, I’m very grateful that you didn’t,” I said. “Because now I can implement all of those awesome human ideas in the private market, take control of the economy of the entire world, and rule from the shadows like the introvert I am.”

“Well, as long as you promise to give the griffins favorable deals, I’m okay with that. Oh, Jonathan gave us an explanation of the gem cutting and showed us all how it’s done, but he didn’t use any tools and his explanation was a little… wanting. Can I ask you to provide more instructions later?”

“Yes, I can do that.” Or my Flo brand printer can, at least. “Hey, if you’re still looking for other types of crops you could plant, have you considered mushrooms?”

“Mushrooms are not an option,” she immediately replied. “Griffins can’t stand them. The texture is just… ugh!”

“Is it griffins who can’t stand them or just you?”

“Almost all griffins,” one of the other researchers replied. “It’s not something most other races know, but eating mushrooms with a beak just feels…” Several of the researchers shivered a little.

“That’s just how it is,” Gilda said with a shrug. “Some weirdos are fine with them, but we don’t talk about those people.” One of the researchers standing near the corner sighed and hung his head. The others glared at him.

“Well, it is how it is or whatever,” I said. “You know, all of those rude whispers about you would disappear if any of your people saw you like this. You even risked your life to help us take this place. You need to make sure people find out about this when you go home, understand? No more hiding in your workshop.”

“Says the human who’s talking about ruling from the shadows. Besides, you needn’t worry. My brother has already published that I helped sponsor and lead the team that finally unraveled the mysteries of the dangerous Zone of Alienation. The leading part is mostly there as propaganda, of course, but it would be impossible to tell everyone that griffin royalty was following the orders of an Equestrian noble…”

“Understandable. So, what’s he doing to make sure everyone understands what a big deal conquering the Zone is? Most people have never even heard of it, to my understanding.”

“It’s apparently different in our country,” Gilda said. “That’s how I was able to find information, as well as a guide. That said, most griffins only ever heard of it through rumors and stories and no one knew anything concrete. But the fact that one of their princesses was able to finally bring truth to those rumors and stories is fairly important, especially since it involved so much fighting. I highly doubt I’ll be known as a princess of battle, but my days of being the forgotten royal are over.”

“Good. And…” I leaned in closer, so hopefully only she would hear. “...Don’t forget how scared you were when we got here. Remember that feeling and stay humble.”

“I am absolutely in no hurry to repeat this experience, I assure you,” she said, looking away with a blush. “And p-please… don’t get so close…”

“‘Kay.” I pulled back. “So, do you have any other fun projects while you’re here?”

“I’ve been helping coordinate research results between the races gathered here,” Gilda said. “The water elementals have been doing most of the work, but again, as royalty…”

“You had to be involved in some kind of leadership, right,” I said. “So far, I’ve seen ponies, griffins, and changelings. Is there anyone else represented here?”

“There’s a contingent of minotaurs on the way,” Gilda said. “Princess Celestia has asked that I advertise our ongoing efforts at the pageant to see if any other races are interested in sending support. But to be honest, I feel like the things we’ve discovered should be kept… if not secret, then secure. I was hesitant to even allow the changelings access. They did nothing to help us pacify the place! Why should they get any benefits?”

“Violence and strife will strike this world wherever there is want and greed,” I said. “And keeping something from your neighbor instead of sharing is one of the best ways of invoking greed. If we don’t share this knowledge, we risk causing conflict, which gives power to a certain evil demon I’m trying to banish. To that end, spreading certain technologies is good because it improves everyone’s life, reduces everyone’s feelings of envy, and makes the world a better place. Besides, saying we should keep the secrets of the Zone from the changelings because they did nothing to earn it is the same as saying we should keep this technology from the rest of the griffins because they didn’t earn it. You and your five guards were the only griffins who were here, after all.”

“Hm. I suppose. Anyway, part of coordinating things is getting to look at all the artifacts that are uncovered. I’d love a chance to look over a batch of goods with you! Having live human commentary would be invaluable for studying everything!”

“You’re right,” I said. “Luna took me to one of the warehouses earlier today and I helped give the guards there a few reams of notes about items of interest. I definitely don’t know everything, but two people who do know everything live in my head. Whenever I have a full free day, I plan to spend it here, possibly even delving into the bunker itself.”

“Tch, lucky Luna,” Gilda muttered.

“That’s probably the first time anyone’s ever called her lucky. Anyway, I don’t mean to take up too much of your time.”

“I certainly don’t mind giving it, but at this point, we both have important business to be doing. So I’ll see you tonight, Nav.”

“Apparently there’s going to be some kind of celebration, so look forward to it,” I said. “Celestia’s making me a countess for my deeds and Doppel wants to do something for it.”

“Well, congratulations. I guess this will be the second night of celebrations in a row. Do keep one thing in mind as you leave, though… Don’t think you own Celestia just because she has an elemental in her. If you aren’t careful, she’ll slip a leash right back around that neck of yours. This countess business is likely part of it.”

“A lot of people want to slide a leash around my neck. I only intend to wag my tail for the right offer. But I’ll definitely keep it in mind. See you, Princess.” And with that, I finally went back to the hall. Kat was just waiting to latch herself to me, of course. The stupid horn in her pocket jammed itself in my side, which hurt a lot more than it should have. “Kat, can you be less… you?”

“I… have no experience with such matters, my lady,” Kat said. “I’m afraid I’ve only ever been… um, me.” I sure do wish I had someone normal to tell you to compare yourself to, but… “M-my lady, what’s with that pitying look…?”

“I’m sorry, Kat. I guess you never really stood a chance, huh?” She blinked a few times, probably feeling confused and insulted. “Alas. Waterfall, would you kindly lead the way back to the surface?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to see anything else?” she asked.

“If I had time to do all the things I wanted to do, yes.” Actually, that’s a lie. I’d spend it all sleeping, playing games, and letting Doppel do things to me. “I do plan on coming back here later to look around more, though. I never really expected the fort around the bunker to turn into a research center. Now I’m glad we didn’t just torch it along with everything else.”

With that, the blob of water started leading the way. “It would be impossible without the support of Celestia and those valuable teleportation rings,” Waterfall said. “All of the progress you see here is thanks to you, my lady. We pay no obeisance to your rank, only to you and your accomplishments.”

“Really? I kinda thought Luna was the main character of the bunker assault.” Or maybe Aqua, since I was merely her flesh puppet. “Didn’t she take care of most of the problems for us?”

“Luna’s not capable of being the main character,” Kat said. “She’s way too messed up in the head. She follows you around like a lost puppy, my lady. Without you, there would be no controlling her.”

Without me and my human pheromones, she might not have lost her mind as hard. Although given what I know about her history… “That might be true. In that case, that means my accomplishment is basically nothing more than being a scout for good talent.” Though again, scouting Luna was Aqua’s accomplishment…

“You seem to disregard your own leadership, for some reason,” Waterfall said. “Whose choices led us all safely through the Zone? As I recall, those choices were yours.”

“They were,” Kat said, patting my arm.

“Sure I guess.” For some reason, that made all three of the girls giggle at me. The pony guard still tagging along was smart enough to know his place.

“The fort has definitely been lively,” Waterfall said when they were done mocking me. “Celestia has sent a few public officials here to give them more of a perspective on what an accomplishment conquering the Zone was. Their reactions are always worth having to deal with their initial arrogance.”

“Yeah, a lot of ponies are just like that,” I said. “I won’t say you get used to it because it’s always annoying when some four-legged herbivore midget horse thinks he’s better than a human, but it does get easier to deal with in time. Especially when you have several achievements proving your own superiority.”

“Ponies are… arrogant?” the guard asked.

“Yes, absolutely,” Kat replied. “Celestia’s policies were purposefully designed to make ponies look down on other races. As far as most of the nobles in Canterlot are concerned, I’m barely above the intelligence level of a house cat.”

“I don’t get called a monkey anymore, but that’s probably only because my body has been altered,” I said. “Back before I got turned into a noble, I had to deal with all kinds of nonsense from ponies who didn’t think they had time for a human. Equestria’s great if you’re a pony, but there’s a reason there aren’t many other races who live here.”

“...That makes me feel a little better, at least,” the hornless mare said. “I’m glad the ponies at the tower weren’t the only arrogant fools who dared to pretend they stood above you.”

“I’m sure not,” I said. “If you tower goons were the only assholes I had to deal with in Equestria, my life would have been so much smoother.”

“Why… why didn’t you just move?” the guard asked.

“I’m not sure if you heard about Luna’s life-ruining confession where she admitted to doing a bunch of horrible things to me. But the reason I didn’t just move is because Luna was doing a bunch of horrible things to me. Oh, and so was Celestia, for that matter. I mean, they forcefully turned me into a knight specifically so I wouldn’t be able to run.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. Although both sisters have changed dramatically since I met them. I’m not particularly threatened by either anymore.”

“Well, are you threatened by anything?” the mare from the tower asked.

“Yes. In terms of things that are actually alive and capable of interacting with the world, the three I’m most worried about are Pyrite, Tintaglia, and Arachne. I basically have a nonaggression pact with two of them, but they’re very tenuous. And Tintaglia’s completely insane, so anything goes with her.”

“I don’t even know who any of those are,” the guard said.

“And I hope you never do. There are things normal ponies have no business knowing. If everyone knew what kinds of threats lurked in the dark places of the world, they’d be a lot more focused on building up defenses… Not that it would do them any good.”

“I think the ponies could probably survive against the normal spiders, unless Arachne herself came out to play,” Kat said. “If she decided to come north, it would pretty much be game over.”

“No, the normal spiders would devastate the ponies,” Waterfall said. “Arachne wouldn’t even be needed. The pony morale would shatter after the first few towns were devoured. Most of them are cowards and even most of the ones that can fight would be incapable of doing so against the spiders. My sisters shared some of the memories of your journey. During the fight on the deck of your ship, the only useful ponies were the unicorns.”

“That’s basically how all the wars go,” the hornless mare said. “Or at least, that’s how the history books in the tower record things.”

“Yep, that’s right,” I said. “A thousand years ago, Celestia neutered the military because most of them sided with Nightmare Moon’s coup attempt. Because of that, she’s had to fight most of the major battles either herself or using the unicorns of the tower. In fact, the move that won the war against Nightmare Moon was the unicorns from the tower summoning a comet from space to destroy Luna’s capital city, along with most of her army. And then when Luna attempted to return the favor, the tower unicorns captured the comet from the sky, mined it out, and then hung a big rock in the sky above their tower as a trophy.”

“Should you really just be spilling state secrets like that?” the mare asked.

“No, it’s cool. Celestia’s working on uncensoring history, so all of this will probably come out eventually anyway. I’m going to love it when she finally tells everyone she has no idea how the sun moves.”

“Wait, WHAT?!” the guard shouted, stopping in his tracks.

“Yeah man, it’s wild! Imagine my surprise when one of the first things I learned after I got here is that there’s a tiny horse pretending to be a sun goddess. I nearly lost my shit, especially after I found out her name was actually Celestia. And then there was another one who pretended to move the moon named… Luna! Isn’t that hilarious? They had nearly three quarters of the planet tricked into thinking they could move a literal fucking star just because they knew a little about equinoxes, eclipses, and astronomy! Of course, then I realized how dangerous it was that I knew the truth and it stopped being funny.”

“They… they tricked us?” the guard whispered.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” the mare asked. “I looked just like you when I learned the truth.”

“Oh, the tower knows?” I asked.

“Indeed, though it’s something only the Seven had knowledge of. They call learning that fact an initiation rite, for it is one of the first truths of the world you learn as a leader of the tower, and it is possibly the most painful. Princess Celestia has spent at least three thousand years building up an unimaginable lie. And yet, not even we at the tower know how the stars and planets truly do move, so we could never disprove her claims…”

“It’s a force the humans called gravity,” I replied. “Waterfall, would you like to explain?”

“I’d be delighted!” And so she began an elementary lesson on the invisible forces that make the world work. The guard was stuck in his own world, probably still trying to get over the fact that the mare he dedicated his life to serving was ruling over him under false pretenses. Kat was paying attention, but spending her time braiding my hair. The tower mare was listening, obviously enraptured with the idea of solving more of life’s mysteries.

Myself, I was wondering if I should just leave the pony guide and find someone else to take me home. I decided that if he didn’t have his shit together by the time Waterfall’s explanation was over, I’d poke him a few times. If he didn’t respond, we’d just keep going without him.

When Waterfall finished, the stallion was muttering something under his breath and staring into space. “Is… he gonna be okay?” Kat asked, gently prodding him.

“If it comes to it, Waterfall can fix him,” I said. I walked over and snapped a few times right in front of his eyes, making him flinch and finally come to. “Hey, are you done freaking out yet? If you need more time, I can find another guide.”

“Huh? I’m… I’m fine. What were you guys saying just now? Something about Princess Gravity?”

“...Princess Gravity?” Kat asked.

“Of course, the princess.” The dude looked completely and totally sincere.

Uh oh. “Can you give me a short description of Princess Gravity?” I asked.

“Huh? My lady, you see her so often, though! She’s a beautiful white alicorn with a cutie mark of the sun. She’s the mare who makes the world go ‘round!” His smile cracked for a moment, but not very long. “You were just talking about her!”

“Holy shit, I did break him! Do you know the name Celestia?”

“I’ve never heard it in my life, my lady. What do you mean, broke me?”

“Waterfall, you’re up,” I said. “Remove his memory of the last five minutes.”

“Normally I would protest such a command, but to fix that which is broken…” She started sliding forward.

The guard’s eyes went wide and he tried running, but I snatched his tail before he could get anywhere. “Princess Gravity, save me! Please!” That was all the time the poor fool had time to say before Waterfall performed a little snip-snip. Moments later, he was back on his feet. He took a quick look around before blushing slightly. “W-why are you all looking at me?”

“Can you give me a quick list of the members of Equestrian royalty as of five years ago?” I asked.

“Huh? I mean, yes, of course. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Prince Blueblood, Prince Shining Armor, and… I don’t think Princess Skyla was born yet. Although I’m also not sure how long it’s been since Prince Shining Armor married. Time sure does fly, huh?”

“It sure does,” I said. “Let’s get moving again.” And just like that, we left his horrific mental trauma in the dust. Still, though… “This might be a bigger problem than I thought. Is everyone gonna react like that when they find out?”

“That depends on how the topic is approached, likely,” Waterfall said. “If it’s flippantly thrown into a conversation like it’s some kind of comedy routine, it might be slightly more traumatizing.”

“Most of those who are capable of being leaders of the tower have minds strong enough to handle such information, so I can safely say nothing of the sort has ever happened to any of us.”

“I’ll have to talk it over with Celestia. We might need to rethink how we release the information.”

“Ponies really are weak,” Kat whispered disdainfully. I’m pretty sure I was the only one who heard it. To be honest, I couldn’t disagree.

When we got back to the common area, I was momentarily alarmed by the pall of darkness clouding one of the corners of the room. Then I saw that it was caused by Luna. She had a very large section mostly to herself with a huge no-pony’s-land all around her. At the moment, she was eating with Zecora. Unfortunately, her eyes locked on mine as soon as I saw her. That meant I couldn’t leave without at least saying hi. I really didn’t want to have to deal with her again so soon, but I guess that’s life for you.

“I think I can borrow my vassal’s power to get home, after all,” I said. “I’ll ask Luna to ferry us back. You can join your friends and relax.”

“Are you sure, my lady?” the guard asked. “I certainly don’t mind.”

“Luna would insist. She’s… devoted. Thank you for taking us this far.”

“It was a delight, my lady. Feel free to call us any of us if you need help in the future.”

“Of course. And Waterfall, thanks for showing us to Zecora’s lab. Now we can actually ask permission for what we took.”

“Whenever you come back, feel free to ask for me again,” Waterfall said. Our two guides departed, leaving us to walk over to the loneliest corner ever.

“What are you going to do if she says no?” the wannabe-horny mare asked as we walked.

“What makes you think I’ll give her the option of saying no?”

“Greetings once more, my lady,” Luna said when we were at a socially acceptable distance. “I wasn’t aware you were coming to the fort today.”

“I have a really bad habit of getting sidetracked. Zecora, do you mind if I borrow one of your horns to help a disabled old mare?”

“You say borrow. I believe you mean take.”

“Look at her. She’s old and rickety. You’ll obviously outlast her and I doubt she’ll care if you take it back when she’s done.”

“...That one may have been a little too far,” Kat whispered as everyone else stared at me in silence.

“Fine. Do you mind if I take one of your horns to help a disabled old mare?”

“The loot from a battle belongs to the chieftain first and foremost, does it not?” Zecora asked. “Take what you like, my lady.”

“Cool. How’s progress on clearing out the undead in the bunker?”

“Slow but steady,” Zecora replied. “Thank you for allowing me to take the time to do this properly. I truly, honestly think that helping the dead pass on will make the world a better place.”

“Given what I know of the world, I’m inclined to agree,” I said. “From my understanding, the war that eradicated humanity killed so many people at once that a large number of souls got stuck on this side. That’s the reason so many cities are in the same place and have very similar names. Zecora, for the sake of eradicating the bullshit punny naming system, you need to help all the dead pass on. That means taking a few apprentices.”

“The skills I possess can't be taught to just anyone. I have every intention of taking an apprentice as soon as I find one who can and is willing to learn.”

“Luna, can you learn to work with the spooky scaries instead of eating them for magical power?”

“...I feel like turning them into magical power would be a faster and easier way of eradicating the punny naming system you detest so much, my lady. If we hunt down all of those troublesome spirits, wouldn’t that solve the issue?”

“Blaze, activate Luna’s empathy for me.”

Her eyes lit up orange and she scoffed. “Why should we feel empathy for the dead?” Blaze asked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the honorable warrior type? Doesn’t that imply a sense of spirituality?”

“Let me rephrase that, then,” he said. “Why should I feel empathy for convenient sources of easy yet incredible power?”

“I wish you knew what movies were so you could understand how much like a stereotypical villain you sound like right now. Literally everybody knows that convenient sources of easy yet incredible power are always either cursed or have a massive or even fatal downside that’s not immediately apparent. The only people who agree to use cursed and damned souls as sources of power, assuming other options are presented, are obviously the bad guys.”

“My lady, aren’t you planning on creating a blood gem farm using captured monsters?” Kat asked.

“Monsters aren’t sapient. Any curse or downside I get from that won’t be as big of a deal. So, I guess Luna’s out as an apprentice. How will you know when you find the right person?”

“I can tell by what’s around them,” Zecora said. “Those who have a connection to the other side are often surrounded by spirits. I’ve seen a few before, but none that were in a position to become an apprentice. Taya could learn it, since she’s been so heavily immersed in death.”

“Wait, is this something you’re born with or something that you unlock by doing certain things?” I asked.

“It could be either,” Zecora replied with a shrug. “I was born with a connection. The voices kept me company at all times and helped raise me. Those like Taya have forced the connection through bloodshed or repeated contact with the other side.”

“Wouldn’t that also apply to me?” I asked.

“Without a soul, you couldn’t connect without assistance,” Zecora said. “That said, not having a soul does give benefits. For example, you could likely actually go to the other side. Or at least, a few of them.”

“Wait, I can teleport to heaven?”

“Who knows?” Zecora asked with a shrug. “I just know that objects can pass back and forth. In this particular case, object refers to anything lacking a soul. The smaller it is, the more likely it is to happen by chance. That means things like bits, socks, and quills get sucked in a lot more often than planets. It also means that, given the right conditions, you could go through.” We need to hurry up and find those conditions so I can abandon this hell and chill in paradise for eternity.

“How do you like your armor?” Luna finally asked, looking at the runic mail I was wearing.

“It’s much nicer than a dress. Oh, that reminds me. Kat, your arm?” She held out one of her paws, so I gripped it and used a knife to slice into her flesh. As soon as her blood started dropping, the runes on my armor lit up. “There, you did get to be first. You’re welcome.”

“Th-thank you f-for the honor, m-my lady,” Kat whispered, clutching at her bleeding arm.

“Tch, lucky,” Luna muttered. Her horn lit up and Kat’s blood ceased falling. “I’m next!” She offered up one of her hooves, so I took it and sliced her open next. “I advise you to order the guards around us to offer up a sacrifice as well.”

“Good idea.” I turned around to face the rest of the room. Several guards were staring at me in horror. I grinned. “Everybody listen up!” I called out. At this point, they all knew what I sounded like, so everyone shut up and looked over to me. Their eyes all widened when they saw the bloody knife in my hand. “The armor I’m wearing grows more powerful the more sources of blood I have. I’m looking for volunteers only to let me cut them just a little, whereupon you’ll be healed almost immediately by Luna.”

“...You promise it won’t steal our souls?” one of the less cowardly guards asked.

Background characters don’t have souls. “I… Wait, Luna, does this armor steal souls?”

“No, just life force.”

“I promise this armor doesn’t steal souls,” I said.

I wasn’t expecting it, but most of the guards in the room actually volunteered. In fact, a few got a lot more into it than I liked and had to be dragged off by their friends. Apparently being cut on by a big strong predator is a fetish for some stallions.

By the time I finished, the runes were all glowing dull red, making my armor look surprisingly futuristic. “If only it were chrome,” I muttered.

“You want armor made of chrome?” Luna asked, tilting her head.

“Well, everything is made of chrome in the future, from what I hear. Anyway, I think that was the last of the volunteers. Luna, can you help ferry us home? It shouldn’t take but a moment, unless I get sidetracked again.”

“Of course, my lady.” Kat started to reach for my arm, but Luna’s magic stopped her. “Kat, be extremely wary about touching our lady right now. The armor is granting her more strength than usual, so it’s entirely possible she’ll hurt you on accident.”

“That’s a risk I’ll happily accept,” Kat replied. Luna shrugged and released her, allowing Kat to wrap her arm around mine.

“I’ll do my best to be careful. Let me see…” I lifted my arm up. Kat held on tighter, so I easily pulled her into the air. “Wow, yeah, I’m a lot stronger than I should be. I don’t think I could just pick you up like this before. Say, do you think something like a mace might be better to use than a sword, with the extra strength?” I set Kat back down, but she didn’t release her tight grip.

“If you’re going to cross train with any melee weapon, it should be a pole arm of some kind,” Luna said. “You didn’t seem to like the bardiche I made you. Maybe a halberd or a spear?”

“If you’re talking about for use while riding you, I’d prefer either a spear or a naginata.”

“A spear would be more ideal,” Luna said. “In a pitched melee, you might not have as much room to swing, but stabbing should pose no problem. And once you learn enough, you can use a spear to cut nearly the same as a sword can.”

“All fair points. The last fight I had with Nestorats showed me that I really don’t want to get too close to my opponents, especially when they’re literally made of fire. Keeping them at spearpoint will be better than keeping them at swordpoint. Do you know any runes for one?”

“I don’t know any special runic combinations, but I can give one a few special effects. It might take us a while to find enough chrome for it, but I promise—”

“I was joking about the chrome. Use whatever’s best. And thank you. Now let’s go home.”

“As you wish, my lady.”

“Before you go, I wanted to ask something of you,” Zecora said.

“Go for it,” I replied.

“Do you remember the potions of magic regeneration I created, the ones that Luna praised as revolutionary?”

“Yes.”

“I have enough supplies to create one more batch of those potions. I wanted permission to give them to Jonathan to see if he can duplicate them.”

“Granted. However, don’t tell him what they’re for. I don’t trust that thing. I want a few cards up my sleeves it doesn’t know about.”

“Understood. For now, I’ll keep the recipe a secret. We can discuss the issue again if mass production becomes possible.”

“Agreed. If it gets to that point, let me know and we’ll talk about it.”

“...You discovered a potion that restores magic?” the old mare quietly asked.

“I did,” Zecora said with a nod.

“Perhaps living so long in the tower truly was a mistake…” the mare whispered, hanging her head.

Given that you’re resorting to borrowing a dead unicorn’s horn, you should have realized this sooner. “The things happening around me are probably a special case,” I said. “I doubt there are many others out there conquering ancient human ruins and looting them dry. Or exploring the world enough to find all the ingredients necessary for rare potions. Oh, Zecora, does that potion help restore real magic, or just fake unicorn magic?”

“Real magic doesn’t need restoration,” Luna said. “Using it just makes you tired. Fake unicorn magic uses the horn and a few other internal things as catalysts, so potions can actually help restore it.”

“Fake unicorn magic?” the mare said, tilting her head. “I know Athena and Hera were able to do magic without a horn, but to call what we do fake seems unfair.”

“Fake is definitely the wrong word,” Luna confirmed with a nod. “It’s less that the magic is fake and more that it uses a catalyst to accomplish what would normally require sheer force of will. That means it’s considerably easier. It also limits what you can do, because not all magic can be accomplished with just internal catalysts. Thus, unicorn magic is weaker and less versatile than true magic. But since that was the goal, it’s ideal.”

“Wait, the goal was to make it weaker?” the mare asked.

“Obviously,” I said. “Celestia didn’t want to risk anyone becoming more powerful than she was, so she had to censor the history of true magic. I think the official reason was the founding of Equestria, though. After Grogar chased the ponies from the area around the Crystal Empire by fixing the environment, Celestia was wary of anyone doing any more big changes that might require her ponies to have another mass migration. Luna probably knows a lot more than I do, though.”

“I didn’t realize Grogar fixed the environment,” Luna said. “I thought he broke it to chase the ponies out…”

“Nope. The north and south poles are supposed to be cold. It looks like Grogar is going around the world, trying to fix macro issues like weather problems and curses on areas of land. Some time after fixing the north pole, it looks like he went to the south pole to chase down leads on all the evil undead energy that was gathering in the human ruins there. But he couldn’t get inside because the ruins were sealed, so it seems he decided to go to Tartarus to hit up the lake of magic. I don’t know if he’s trying to purify Discord’s corruption on the lake or if he’s trying to use the lake for a power boost in order to gain access to the human ruins, though. I’ll have to ask when we invade. With luck, we can get him to help fix the curse on the middle east, too.”

“More human ruins… A lake of magic… A curse on the middle east… A possibly good lich…” The mare from the tower was muttering a bunch of stuff, but we all ignored her.

“...Why would a lich be doing all of that?” Luna slowly asked.

“That’s something else I want to ask him. My two thoughts are that he became a lich to have more time to fix problems or after becoming a lich, he grew bored and decided to do some good in the world. Either way, that’s something else we can ask. Anyway, we got way off track. Luna, we’re leaving.”

“Understood, my lady.” She finally stood and began walking to the teleport circle. We followed, though Zecora had to poke the mare to get her to start walking. Once everyone was in place, Luna’s horn lit up and we appeared back on the surface. From there, it was just a short walk back to the other teleport circle and then everyone but Luna was back home.

Chapter Two Hundred and Four

Chapter Two Hundred and Four

When we got back to the house, it was probably around three or four. I could see Taya with two other young ponies in the backyard, standing in front of Watcher. It looked like he was demonstrating some kind of magic for them, using the crystal golem as his target. Two mares I didn’t recognize were looking over the large cherry blossom trees with Aurora, the male griffin maid. Two guards were using shovels to throw snow off the cliffside in preparation for spring. Graceful piano notes were ringing through the air, so Spider was presumably home.

“It’s good to be back,” I said. “Kat, give her the horn. We can have Twilight reattach it whenever she’s around.” Kat hurried to do so. The mare from the tower took the horn with some amount of reverence. “Silence, you’re off guard duty. Thanks for the assistance.” He bowed and left without a word. “Kat, head downstairs to see if there’s any news. I’ll be in my room.”

“As you wish,” Kat replied with a curtsy. She walked out and headed down the stairs. I took a peek over the railing and didn’t see Doppel, so I used my new wings to fly up to my door.

When I checked the dayglass on my desk, I saw that more than a day had passed. I pulled off enough armor to get to my stomach, removed the seed from my belly button, replaced it with another, and finally flipped the dayglass again. I didn’t want to let the seed out of my sight, so I dropped it in a small leather bag attached to a chain and slipped it around my neck.

It’s been a full day since I woke up from the coma… and I’m completely alone right now. Is he really not going to show himself? I certainly won’t complain, but you’d think he’d come to greet his supposed fiancee.

“Don’t tempt fate,” Flo said. “It’s better for that thing to stay far away.”

“Agreed,” Darya said. “I never want to see that thing in the flesh.”

Lounging around the house in armor wouldn’t be all too comfy, so I began pulling the rest off. There weren’t any stands for it, so I gently laid all the pieces out on the bed. The armor looked much more normal broken down, since all the runes weren’t glowing anymore.

Kat got upstairs before I could finish removing everything and instantly began helping. “You have a guest, my lady,” she said. “It’s a large griffin, apparently some kind of noble. He’s requesting an introduction to a Lady Ivory.”

So it’s that guy, huh? “I don’t know anyone by that name,” I said. “Still, I can’t just turn a noble away without even meeting him. Help me get dressed in something that’s decent enough to casually greet him in.”

“As my countess commands,” Kat said. “This guest seemed quite surprised by Spider’s performance. For now, he looks content to sit and listen.”

“Spider’s definitely pretty good. Has Flo been teaching him more?”

“She has,” Kat replied. “Spider improved a lot while you were away.”

“I see he was able to focus better without me here…”

“T-that isn’t what I meant, my lady!” Kat hastily said, pulling me close for a hug.

“Oh, I see.”

A few long moments later, Kat let me go and slowly began dressing me again. She still looked a little dejected, so I knew I had done a good job.

She perked right back up when I was fully dressed, though. “What do you think, my lady?”

I hadn’t really been paying attention, so I gave myself a cursory once-over in the mirror. I had on a simple white blouse and a flowing green skirt. “It’ll do,” I replied with a nod. “I’m going to go greet this griffin. Since I have no idea who this Lady Ivory person is, I want you to write a letter of introduction to Fleur. We can give it to him when he leaves. She knows more ponies, after all.” He might read the letter, so I’ll have to warn Fleur in her dreams that this Lady Ivory was actually Twilight.

“As you command,” Kat said. “I’ll join you downstairs in a moment.” The closest source of paper was my desk, so she walked over there while I went to the door. Flying downstairs while in a skirt would be bad, even for me, so I walked down properly.

By the time I reached the ground floor, Doppel was waiting with a smile. “My lady, you have a guest. And when you are finished with him, the two new prospective maids are ready for their interview.”

“The mares in the garden?” I asked.

“The very same,” Doppel replied with a nod. “Two of Taya’s friends are also in the backyard, learning from Watcher. Would you like me to prepare tea for you? Your guest already has a cup.”

“No thank you. I don’t know who this Lady Ivory is, so I don’t think he’ll be long.”

“Hm. So you don’t want my tea, then…?”

“Not right now, no. Maybe later. Is he in the sun room?”

“...Yes, my lady. I shall show you in.” Apparently I was supposed to take some tea anyway, since she seemed a little sullen. I’m not really sure why, since most of the tea leaves available in Equestria were pretty terrible. She showed me in regardless, where I saw the same noble who bought me at the griffin festival. He was sitting at one of the tables, sipping at a cup of tea.

His eyes widened and he froze when he saw me. That’s not too surprising, given how unique I looked. Seeing myself in the mirror still shocked me every now and then. He got ahold of himself as I walked over and by the time I made it to the table, he was standing up to bow. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he said. “My name is Lord Darkplume.”

Of course the anime geek would have a dark and edgy name. Oh shit, what if he recognizes my voice? Well, I was planning on lying from the start, so let’s throw the dice. “It’s nice to meet you, Lord Darkplume.” Sure enough, his eyes fluttered when I started speaking, but he quickly blinked it away. “I’ve been told you were hoping for an introduction.”

“Indeed, I was hoping you could help me. If I’m honest, it’s a complete shot in the dark, but this is too trivial to bother the griffins at the embassy with and I don’t know where else to turn. Have you by chance met a mare called Lady Ivory? She was a completely pure white mare, somepony impossible to miss. It seems she was a fan of manga, something I heard was a human invention.”

“I don’t know of any ponies by that name, but I did hear rumors of her and a maid while I was in Gryphus for a festival. All I heard is that the maid managed to win some famous contest, though. Then later, I think I saw a wanted poster up for her, for some reason.”

“...If I’m honest, the maid is the one I’m searching for. I was hoping to use Lady Ivory as an intermediary.”

“I’m afraid I can’t be of any assistance. However, I’m having Katrina write you a letter of introduction to Lady Fleur de Lis. She was the noble who first started the manga craze and her social circle is a lot wider than mine. It’s possible she can point you in the right way. She lives here in Canterlot, but she’s in the middle of a major project so she’s been traveling all over recently.”

“Even I’ve heard of Lady Fleur de Lis,” the griffin said with a small grin. “I’m delighted you can assist me, my lady.” If I’m honest, this is starting to make me feel guilty. Doing a little snip snip with his memory is way too rude, but telling the truth is completely impossible. I’m so glad this is going to be Fleur’s problem now. Let’s find a way to get him out of my house before Fleur thinks of an excuse to show up here.

“If you can’t find the maid you’re looking for, you might need to stay in town for a while to find another,” I said. “It took me a few weeks to find two willing to work with another species. Moving to another country entirely is asking a lot, too.”

“I’m afraid no other maid will be able to replace my Rosie… Do you truly think Lady Fleur will have a lead?”

“If there’s a Lady Ivory in Canterlot, Fleur can find her.” And just in time, Kat was walking in with a letter. She held it up for me with a bow. I took it and quickly glanced it over, then handed it to the guy. “This letter mentions the request for an introduction. And if you’re interested in finding other fans of manga, Fleur can likely assist with that as well.”

“I truly appreciate it, my lady,” the giant griffin replied with a bow. “I am in your debt.” You’re really not. It’s my fault you’re in this mess.

“If you’re interested in repaying my lady, perhaps you could support Princess Gilda, if it ever comes to it,” Kat very impertinently said.

“Ah, I heard you were allies with the princess,” Darkplume replied with a nod. “Of course, my lady. I’m not sure what manner of assistance I might lend, but I’ll be sure to do so. Now, I heard you’ve been away for quite a while. I’d hate to take up more of your time…”

“I wish you well on your search,” I said with a fake smile. Kat saw the giant fellow out while I tried to think up a way to explain the whole thing away.

“Did that griffin trouble you, countess?” Doppel suddenly asked from next to me. Kat had rejoined me as well, but was so quiet I hadn’t noticed her.

“You know how Twilight and I went in disguise to the griffin festival?”

“Oh, so you’re the pony he’s looking for?” Doppel said. I sighed and fell into one of the seats. “Well, telling the truth is obviously out of the question. Does he suspect you?”

“It looked like he recognized the voice, but how would someone who knows nothing about magic have any way of tying us together?”

“So, did you seduce him?”

“We were at an auction where chicks are sold out as girlfriends. I was dressed as a maid. That guy bought me for a ridiculous sum because pony maids were his fetish. And then, instead of dominating me and pounding me hard, he was super shy and lame. So I had to get a little pushy, you know? It ended up backfiring and he asked me to marry him.”

“Been there, done that,” Doppel said, patting me on the shoulder. “It’s always awkward. So what’d you say?”

“Wildfire, which happened to be a codeword that Twilight set up to teleport me to a safe location.”

“Oof, my lady… Harsh.”

“So is asking a girl you bought at an auction to marry you after sloppily fucking her once. Anyway, the point is that he’s here and we need to deal with him. I plan on letting Fleur know that the people he’s looking for are fake. Then it’ll be her problem.”

“Doesn’t he deserve at least a little closure?”

“Sure, but only if you’re volunteering for the position of Rosie. If we explain it all away as Rosie being a changeling, I’m sure we can scare him off. After all, changelings aren’t even allowed in his city.”

“No bucking way, nuh uh,” Doppel said, shaking her head furiously. “That’ll just inflame him even more with the forbidden love angle! Trust me, been there and done that! He doesn’t need the correct closure, does he? Just, you know, closure. I’m sure we can come up with a story that’ll satisfy him, like saying Rosie was actually a married noblemare in disguise. That way he can be angry instead of sad. And more to the point, he won’t keep looking into it to the point where he stumbles upon the truth. I’m sure you weren’t at all subtle while you were there, after all.”

“...I’ll try to come up with something the next time I speak to Fleur. Thank you for being such a devious slut, Doppel.”

“It’s always a pleasure to serve, my lovely lady. Speaking of which, might I ask to be called upon tonight? After all, I’d like to extend your celebration… late into the night.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said with a grin. Kat placed a paw on my shoulder, which I definitely ignored. “We’ll probably need to be more subtle about this around the new maids.”

“No, I’ve already informed them of the various ways I serve you. It’s a part of being your head of household, after all.” Is it really, though? “Of course, I have to make sure to extract all your lust so you won’t think of laying hands on the other maids… or vassals.” Kat’s grip on my shoulder suddenly became quite sharp, but I still ignored it.

“Thank you for your sacrifice. So, want to show them in? Or should I start by embarrassing Taya in front of her friends?”

“...I believe Taya already has enough issues. You hardly need to create more for her!”

“Relax, I was mostly joking. Don’t parents embarrass their kids by default?”

“...I wouldn’t know,” Doppel stuffily replied. “I will say that one of Taya’s friends wanted to meet you, but with that kind of attitude…”

“I’m not going to purposefully embarrass my daughter, Doppel, geez. I already ruined her enough. Go bring in the new maids. I promise not to grope them.”

“As you command, my lady.” With that, Doppel walked off to the garden.

Once the door was shut behind her, Kat’s painful grip relaxed and she asked, “Should I embarrass Taya for you?”

“No, I really was joking. It’s a pure miracle that Taya actually has friends. I don’t want to risk ruining it for her.”

“...My lady, what is wrong with you?” Kat whispered. “Why do you talk that way about your own filly? It would devastate her to hear you say that…”

It actually might, but that’s why I’m careful not to say those things where she can hear me. I guess in that regard, maybe it’s better to go one step further and just not say it at all? Man, where’s the fun in that? “It sounds like Cascade is doing good work,” I said with a smile. “Well done!”

“Um, my lady…?”

“Yes, Kat?”

“There are certain kinds of evil that aren’t quite as fun to watch as others. Please keep that in mind going forward.”

“I seem to recall someone saying she would serve me with no complaints or questions. Are you starting to change your mind, Kat?”

“...I was under the impression that a mindless slave was of little value to you, my lady. And if I am to be given permission to follow you into eternity, then I’m sure one of your requirements will be some manner of mind of my own.”

“Hm…” My musings on the matter would remain private, just to make her sweat a little. That and the two new maids were coming in, followed by the slutty bughorse. Should a lady stand to greet possible new employees? I guess it’s better to err on the side of politeness. With that line of thought, I started to stand, only to find Kat’s paw back on my shoulder to keep me in my seat. I guess I’ll be sitting, then.

“These are the mares I told you about, Lady Navarone,” Doppel said. The mares in question, both the master race of unicorn, stopped in front of the table and curtsied. One was light pink with long golden hair. Her bright blue eyes seemed oddly dull. The other mare was dark blue with short, dark grey hair. Her dark blue eyes seemed to light up enough to match her smile. They had the same height and looked more similar than most ponies, so I figured they were related. I couldn’t see either of their cutie marks, with their dresses in the way.

“I’m Evening Mist!” the dark blue mare happily said. “It’s an honor to meet you, my lady!”

“I’m Sunset Breeze, Lady Navarone,” the pink mare calmly added.

“I am Lady Navarone,” I said. “I was originally a human. Now I am what is called a tree sister. Are you sure you’re willing to work for someone who isn’t a pony?”

“Getting to watch history in the making is more fun than any of that!” the blue mare, Evening Mist, happily replied. “Doppel said you’re an utterly disappointing lady in every regard, but it’s all worth it if I get to work with a legendary hero!” I didn’t think changelings could sweat, but Doppel seemed like she might be on the verge of it.

“It’s unwise to share anything with my sister,” Sunset Breeze said with a wry smile. “Unless you actually tell her it’s a secret, in which case you’ll never need to worry.”

“Well, it’s not like it was a secret,” Kat said. “I mean, we all know it. It’s just one of those things we don’t usually discuss. It’s rude, you know?”

“I guess the job market must be tough, if you’re both willing to work for such a disappointment,” I said, trying not to sound too snippy.

“It’s expected that a lady with so few maids is a disappointment,” the pink one said. “If you had everything in order, you wouldn’t be seeking maids.”

“Yep, that’s what we’re here for,” the blue one said with a nod. “We’ll make you super appointing!”

“I’ve already told you that’s not a thing,” the pink one said. “Sorry, my sister’s job is mostly being adorable. Her brain atrophied a little from lack of use.”

“Well, Doppel’s used to ordering mindless drones around, so that shouldn’t be too big of an issue.”

“Changeling drones can’t talk,” Doppel sullenly replied. “Can we gag her, maybe?”

“But if you gagged me, I couldn’t sing!” the blue one said. “I simply couldn’t go through my day without that!”

“Are you at least good at it?” I asked.

“No doubt,” the pink one said. “You’ll probably get tired of it anyway. But I guess if you already have a piano playing…”

Darya, can you filter out sounds? Just like that, I couldn’t hear the piano anymore, which probably meant yes. “Singing doesn’t bother me,” I replied with a shrug. “I believe Doppel said one of you could cook and maintain a garden?”

“That would be me,” the pink one said. “I know a great many recipes, and when spring comes, I can plant most of the ingredients we’ll need. For the rest, I have several sources. I must say, even I’ve never seen anything like the cherry blossom trees you have in the backyard. I never thought I’d see one blooming in the winter!”

“They’re magical and shouldn’t need any special attention, but having an experienced eye watching them would be comforting,” I said. “You both have experience working for nobles?”

“We do,” the blue one said. “We grew up helping our parents take care of one noble’s house. When we were old enough to get our cutie marks, we got hired on by another noble. But he fled Canterlot for various reasons and we found out you were hiring!”

That’s a little suspicious. “Why would he be fleeing Canterlot?”

“Apparently one of his best friends got sentenced to Tartarus, or something like that,” the blue one replied with a shrug. “After that, he kept muttering about how the walls were closing in. We haven’t seen him in a month, actually, but all his employees had contracts that kept his house running. I kinda wonder what’ll happen to it now…”

I guess a purge did kinda just happen, huh? My eyes slipped over to Doppel. She didn’t seem too concerned about what she just heard, so I assumed the two sisters weren’t mad at me. Or at least, they didn’t seem to be. “Was that friend named Pertz, by chance?” I asked.

“We find that it’s much better not to know things,” the pink one said. “Sometimes, bad things happen to ponies who know too much.”

“So even the servants pick up on that?” Kat asked. “Canterlot truly is an awful place. The nobles are afraid, the servants are afraid, and the one on top is the most terrified of all…”

“You get used to it,” the blue mare said with a smile. “That’s why I just do my best to be adorable and happy and bubbly! Because if you don’t make your smile quota, the fun police take you away!”

“It wasn’t the fun police who took our father,” the pink one said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh yeah? Then why did they wait to take him until after he stopped smiling, huh?!”

“He stopped smiling because he learned something he shouldn’t have, duh. I hardly smile anymore and they never came for me!”

“...I thought I was smiling enough for the both of us.”

I don’t think this is how interviews are supposed to go. “I’m siding with Sunset Breeze on this one,” I said. Or at least, I think that was the pink one’s name. “He probably found out some kind of terrible truth, so one of Celestia’s goon squads picked him up. I’m almost positive that not even Celestia is despotic enough to have a smile patrol.” Or at least, not anymore. “You said your job before was to be adorable. Does that possibly include making others adorable as well?”

“Yep!” the blue one happily replied. “I could make you look like a fairy princess!”

That’s honestly starting to get old. “By chance, did you see my daughter?”

“She’s one of the unicorns out back, right? There’s definitely a few things I can do with her, too!”

Only a few, huh? Maybe she isn’t as cute as I thought. “I can’t exactly borrow her for a makeover right now… Oh, Doppel, would you be a dress-up doll as our Taya stand-in?”

“I… can do that,” Doppel slowly said. “But couldn’t she just dress you up?”

“It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to dress up a completely unique species as a test,” I said. “This way, we can also ask Taya what she thinks, assuming she can spare us a moment.”

“I’ve never failed a fashion test!” the blue one said.

“Doppel, do you think Taya will mind if we borrow her clothes for a few minutes?”

“I’ve taught her properly where to hide things, so there’s nothing to worry about,” Doppel said. “If we’re going to do this, let’s do it quickly. Come along, Evening Mist.” Doppel led the blue one away. For some reason, the mare was humming. I realized she was probably following the tune of the piano, but Darya was still dampening it.

“Would you like me to cook something?” the remaining mare asked. “It probably won’t take my sister long to pick something out. I can definitely make something wonderful before she finishes.”

“Before you enter the kitchen, it’s important to ask… How do you feel about cooking meat?”

“I don’t have any feelings on the matter, but I don’t know any recipes involving meat.”

“Acceptable,” I replied with a nod. “Then, if you wouldn’t mind. Kat, show her to the kitchen.” And with that, I was alone in the sun room. After a few seconds of thought, I realized how strange that was. Where is everyone? I guess most of the guards are at the bunker. Watcher’s squad is outside. That leaves one squad guarding the house and I see the one standing in front of the door. So the airship crew are all missing, along with Silver Quill? Even Darya and Flo are being antisocial… And Aurora is still outside helping push snow off the cliff.

“We’re surveying and clearing land,” Flo said in my mind. “If you’re going to have a village built next to your old home, the land needs to be readied. If we can flatten everything before the first work crews arrive, it’ll save a considerable amount of time. Moreso if everything is already measured and planned.”

All reasonable points. Please return before it gets too dark, though. If it gets cold enough to freeze, you might be in danger.

“You can just admit to wanting to cuddle, my favorite human,” Flo smugly replied, making my head feel all warm and fuzzy.

Lacking anything else to do, I began strongly considering going out to meet Taya’s friends. Fortunately, I knew myself well enough to realize that probably wasn’t the best idea. Besides, I finally learned my lesson and realized it would be cold without any unicorns to warm me up. So I was content with watching them.

Taya apparently already knew the spell Watcher was demonstrating, so she was able to cast it at the golem with no issue. For some reason, that made the little white filly look scared. The red colt seemed impressed, but was trying to hide it. After Taya successfully assaulted the golem, the colt tried casting the spell. Some purple smoke started flying out of his horn. Watcher used magic to box all that smoke up and tossed it high into the air.

So, Taya’s really advanced, isn’t she? I thought I understood that from the conversation I saw in the coma between the Seven, but seeing it like this is different. Was getting her a combat teacher as a tutor at such a young age a good idea?

“There’s nothing wrong with being good at your craft,” Darya replied. “Taya’s special talent is murdering things with magic. So obviously the best thing that you, as a parent, could do is arrange a teacher who’s a pro at it. And now Taya can murder like no one else! Isn’t that something to be proud of?”

You’re right, of course. It’s my job to be proud of her ability to murder. Though I really wish she had gotten a cutie mark from protecting me instead of murdering Blueblood. Part of that is my failure as a parent, so I guess I’ll just have to deal with the consequences.

“It is, after all, what Taya wanted,” Flo added. “Far be it from you to call her life’s work into question. Even though that might be your role, as her parent…”

Well, we’ve already established that I should be proud, so I guess there’s no reason for me to step in or call her to question. But she sure knows a lot more about combat magic than her peers.

Before I could continue ruminating, Celestia and Spike both suddenly appeared before me, followed by a loud popping from the air expanding. “Hello once again, Navarone,” the princess said.

“Greetings, Celestia. Are you ready to receive my seed?” Spike rolled his eyes while I removed the necklace holding the small leather bag and held it up for her.

“Your previous donations were much more enjoyable,” Celestia said, floating the bag away with magic. “Speaking of which, my son has been suitably chastised. It’s clear that your influence on him was stronger than I thought.”

“Spike was in dire need of help and guidance when I got to Equestria,” I said. “It’s not easy for other races here, especially if they’re predators. We helped each other survive.”

“I’m going to work on improving that,” Celestia replied. “Your new town is one of the steps I’m taking. You’ll need to find an administrator to rule over it for you. I realized I have the perfect recruit.” Her horn lit up and a folder appeared in front of me. “What do you think?”

I opened it up and immediately recognized the mare in question. It was Crabapple, the mare who was in charge of the miners we escorted in Antarctica. After the mining operation went tits up because the metal they found was a haunted bunker, Crabapple got fired as a scapegoat. I ferried her to Canterlot and introduced her to Celestia. According to the dossier, she’s spent the time since managing Celestia’s state archeologists, who presumably find evidence of older civilizations to destroy it.

“This town is going to have a lot more people than a mining operation,” I said. “Miss Crabby kept the miners in line with no problem, but there were less than a hundred of them.”

“She’s very good at managing,” Celestia said. “The groups who are joining your colony already have existing command structures. All you need to do is put her over them, give her some decent staff, and watch the magic happen.”

“I take it having a pony in charge, at least nominally, is basically a necessity.”

“For the moment, I’m afraid,” Celestia said with a sigh. “Crabapple is a pony you have history with who also has the qualifications to make the town function. No other option I can give you will have as much experience or any history with you.”

“Then I’ll take her, if she’s willing,” I said, passing the folder back. She made it disappear with ease. “I think I’ve decided on a name for the city. Babel.”

“...Babble?” Spike said, his head tilting.

I spelled it out for them, then said, “It’s a reference to the Bible, the Tower of Babel. It was where mankind banded together in an attempt to build something that could rival god himself.”

“I’m going to make one thing clear, right now,” Celestia said. “The tallest spot in Equestria is the tippety top of Canterlot Castle, period. If you try to build a tower higher than mine, I’ll knock it down.”

“Fine, then I’ll build my space elevator somewhere else. When the Independent Nation of Tartarus has death rays in the upper atmosphere that can annihilate cities in an instant, you’ll have only yourself to blame.”

“That’s awesome!” Spike shouted, his tail wagging.

“...Space elevator?” Celestia said. “Why would anyone ever want to go to space? There’s nothing up there but… space!”

“Because there’s nothing up there but space,” I said. “Luna being able to survive and use magic on the moon means that magic works up there, in at least some capacity. There’s all kinds of useful tools we could launch into the atmosphere. Luna’s already showed me things like magical remote cameras, so if you could use something like that to connect to a satellite with a high powered telescope, you could look down on anywhere on the planet in real time. And Celestia, surely you know what a radio is by now.”

“Your device that allows instant communication to anything within range, yes,” Celestia said, suddenly frowning. “You could hang those antennas in the sky, couldn’t you?”

“There’s nothing up there but space,” I replied with a big grin. “Once you know the general range in which you can safely hang things in the sky, it just becomes a matter of getting them there. In my time, objects had to be shot in the sky with fuel that propelled it forward. You could probably do the same with magic, but getting the objects in a precise enough position that they wouldn’t fall out of the sky would be difficult. An elevator that leads directly to space could be held in place using magic or runes, and would allow objects to be deposited more easily. It would also make constructing things in space much easier, so the first person to get one in the air could, say, build an artificial ring around the planet full of weapons pointed down on the planet.”

“Building a ring around the planet would be the kind of project it would take a nation decades to build,” Celestia said.

“A nation, sure. What about Jonathan?”

“...If he possessed the materials, it’s possible he could get it done uncomfortably quickly,” Celestia slowly said.

“I was in too much of a panic to realize it at the time, but entrusting all of the elementals working with us to Jonathan’s brain powers might have been a terrible decision,” I said. “His orders are to not tell me what any of his orders are, minus the one he’s currently obeying. He also refused to confirm or deny having any human minds stored inside of him. I think he’s a trojan horse.”

“A… what now?” Celestia asked.

“Sorry, I guess you guys wouldn’t get that reference. I think Jonathan was put in the bunker to ensure, one way or another, that humanity lives on. If I don’t start making attempts to build a place for humans when they arrive, he might try to replace my mind with another human’s. Or he might go after the mages who sent me back in time in the first place. His magical knowledge is limited, but if Jonathan got loose in the tower and started infecting mages, he would learn at least enough to be a threat to Taya.”

“I’ve already prepared for that, in at least some regards,” Celestia said. “We’ve found a spell that identifies foreign agents in the body. It enables us to tell if anyone becomes a host to an elemental. All guards are checked before leaving the fort. But there are pieces of Jonathan on the ship, and it’s slowly coming closer…”

“Well, hopefully he won’t betray us,” I said with a shrug. “So if I can’t build my tower, how about the name Eden? I’ll name my first city in Tartarus Babel instead.”

“That’s another Biblical reference,” Celestia said. “You sure like picking the places humanity got chased out of, don’t you?”

“I’m naming my legal whorehouse Sodom. My legal casino might be Gomorrah. Because what’s paradise without a garden of earthly delight, huh? Spike, if anyone in the town asks, just tell them you’re an overgrown kobold with a weird coloration. You’ll fit right in and no word will get back to Celestia about you visiting whatever establishment you might like.”

“Prostitution isn’t illegal, but that can change very quickly,” Celestia said. “If I hear any rumors about oversized kobolds visiting any seedy establishments, I’ll ban prostitution and forcefully change the name of your town to Pony!”

“Wait, just… Pony?” I asked.

“And you won’t get any tax breaks for it, either!”

“Fine, then I won’t make him pretend to be a kobold. Anyway, is Eden fine as a name?”

“Yes, but I really would prefer something that isn’t a biblical reference. Names have meaning, and naming yourself after a place humanity was chased out of might doom you. But that is your choice, in the end. I’ll have this seed planted tomorrow, on the first day of spring. I’ll entrust the matter to a servant on another continent, so I won’t know where it’s actually planted. I’ll see to it that you’ll be provided with clothing, a weapon, and a retainer as soon as you awaken, should it come to it.”

“Thank you. I’m preparing another one now, but I might give it to Luna’s friend.”

“...The one who suicide-bombed my capital?” Celestia quietly asked.

“Yep, Poira. She has valuable intel, so I’m doing her a favor. Plus, until she’s gone, I can’t fix the forest. I need to have her dealt with before we can break ground on anything.”

“I think I might like a word with her before she’s freed.”

“Then you can ask your ex-sister where she is. But if you’d like to wait until after, I’d be happy to bring her to Canterlot, assuming she’s willing to go.”

“Hmph. Even if you are being a meanie, I’ll still give you a warning. Don’t make more than two seeds consecutively. Even two may be pushing it.”

“Why?”

“It takes energy to fill those seeds with your essence. You won’t feel the loss after making one seed, but trying to make two might wear you out. Especially in the winter.”

“It’s already in me now, so I’ll take this opportunity to see how it affects me. Taya didn’t mention anything about that. Spike, did you notice her acting more tired than usual while I was asleep?”

“Nope. She didn’t mention making seeds, but I know one of those in the backyard is hers. Wouldn’t it be better to space them out some?”

“Normally I would, yeah. I just wanted to deal with the Everfree quickly. From here on out, I’ll usually wait at least a week before making them.” Barring exceptional circumstances, of course. “Are you done with Spike for the day?”

“Indeed,” Celestia replied with a nod. “I tried to get him to stay for dinner, but he wanted to make sure you properly celebrated your promotion.”

“I knew you’d only tell Doppel if she twisted your arm,” Spike said with a shrug. “So I wanted to make sure everyone here found out.”

“She already twisted my arm. You could have just stayed for dinner.”

“But then I wouldn’t get to celebrate with you!” he said.

“And I’ll be eating dinner all alone,” Celestia moaned, hanging her head.

“You could invite your secretary,” I said. “That chick seems on top of things.”

“The day after you turned into a changeling and pretended to be me, she asked if I had been feeling unwell the day before. She certainly doesn’t let much get past her.”

“Did she notice Flo’s work?”

“Probably, but she’s smart enough not to say anything. After all, it’s above her paygrade. And so is eating dinner with a princess, so she would absolutely refuse. You know, I do see several empty seats here...”

“Surely no food a lowly lady such as myself could offer would be fit to give to the princess herself,” I said, doing my hardest not to smirk.

“Luna raved about your grilled cheese sandwiches for days, before demanding the chefs learn how to make them. If such a lowly meal could so easily appease a princess, I don’t see why you would struggle. Besides, my son is here to help you celebrate. I’d happily eat anything he makes for his dear mother!”

Well, he already knows more about your tastes than he’d like… “You’re just determined to be difficult about this, aren’t you?”

“...Would you believe that eating lunch with you and Spike was the highlight of my month?”

“Wait, you’ve only… Is being her really that bad?”

“It’s very lonely,” Celestia said, lowering her eyes. “And even my most trusted vassal is coming up with excuses to turn me away…”

“You know how weird everyone else is gonna feel with Celestia eating with us?”

“Well, that’s an excuse I can bust straight through with brute force,” Celestia said, finally looking up at me with a smug grin. Her horn lit up way too bright and a moment later, she morphed into a changeling queen. And then seconds later, she morphed into a mare I had never seen before, a white unicorn with blond hair. Her cutiemark was a frying pan. “If you don’t have a cook good enough to satisfy a princess, I can fix that one too! I’ll have you know I received top marks in my cooking tests for the courses I took to become the perfect wife.”

“So you just turned into a changeling queen. Are you… sure you can turn back?”

“Of course, I already tested it before now. Where do you think the drone I use as a replacement sometimes came from?”

She’s incredibly determined. Flo, what are the chances of making her… Where is she going?

“Cooking without a sense of smell might be difficult, but I promise I’ll make something that moves you to tears!” Celestia said as she trotted to the door leading further into the house.

“Hold up,” I said. She didn’t stop, of course. By that point, there was no time to explain. If she wanted to be difficult about it, I’d let her find out for herself. That said… Darya, tell Kat that the mare coming into the kitchen is allowed to be here. I don’t want blood everywhere.

“Done,” Darya replied. “Just in time, too. Though it seems that now Celestia knows she has competition, she’s even more fired up.”

Jokes on her. I was planning on feeding the maid’s dish to a pony. Asking her to cook an ideal meal for a human on her first try also seems unfair.

“Kat also wants to know who this mare is, though she suspects it’s probably someone in disguise.”

Tell her the truth, but tell her not to let anyone else know she knows.

“So… should I go drag her back?” Spike finally asked.

“No, let her be. Hopefully this won’t become a thing.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s already too late for that. Does she really bother you that much, Nav?”

“Honestly, no. But if I don’t push back, she’ll overwhelm me. I’ve already seen more of her than I have of my own filly since I woke up.”

“I mean… Marrying her wouldn’t be the worst thing, would it? That whole space elevator thing seemed cool, so I’m sure you can talk her into it. Whatever she said about the tallest tower was just some weird alicorn pride. Flo left a lot of that around, for some reason.”

“Yeah, but… she’s kinda old, dude. Six thousand years is a whole lot of years. I realized in the coma what that kind of time can do to someone. Celestia does need something more to tether her to reality, but I don’t know if I could take on the job of being her spouse. At the very least, if I do plan on marrying her, I need to make a whole lot of preparations so she doesn’t end up completely owning me.”

“Well, you broke it off with Princess Gilda, didn’t you?” he said. “That leaves Queen Chrysalis as the only other royal with eyes on you, right? Do you really want to marry her?”

I might not mind being overwhelmed by her. It would probably be more fun than Celestia, at least. “At the moment, no. However, that is subject to change. I guess that does currently leave Celestia as my only option to ascend to royalty, then… Well, unless I claim a nation of my own.”

“If Luna and Reginald can figure it out, I’m sure you and I can manage,” Spike said. “Twilight can be our Celestia fill-in, I guess.”

“Claiming Tartarus will be a side project,” I said. “If it’s possible to obtain it, I’d like to. But that really depends on the conditions there. I intend to summon a few residents to ask questions. That’ll still leave me without a ring on my finger, though…”

“Who knows what’ll happen in the future?” Spike said with a shrug. “I guess finding out will be fun. For tonight, when do you want to begin the celebration?”

Never. “Before dark, because I’ll need to go to sleep shortly after. The away team from the bunker should be returning soon, I’m sure.”

“Well, the kitchen’s big enough for two. I guess I’ll go help Celestia prepare…”

“There’s actually two in there right now. I’m thinking of hiring more staff, a cook/gardener and a general lady’s maid. But the maid’s just in there to make a test meal, which I’ll need to find a pony to eat for me.”

“Then I’ll just start prepping. There’s still plenty of space for that. Soon, my meat will be filling you full to bursting again.”

“Good. That mare currently isn’t Celestia, so feel free to say whatever you want around her.”

“...That’s right, she isn’t. I’ll definitely remember that. Look forward to dinner, Nav.” With that, he walked off to the kitchen.

Flo, let Taya know that I’m here. Also tell her that the maids are undergoing tests. We might need her as a judge.

“She wouldn’t feel comfortable coming inside while leaving her guests outside and she isn’t sure it’s wise to bring them in.”

Am I really that unnerving? Or is she worried that Kat will scare them?

“There’s a giant spider playing the piano in another room,” Flo said. “And ex-Princess Luna will be arriving soon, along with more of your guards and a zebra.”

If Luna gets back while the kids are still inside, just ask her to go take a shower or something. And if we keep them in this room, they won’t run into Spider. But if Taya really doesn’t want them to meet me, I understand.

“She mostly just doesn’t want to embarrass you,” Flo said. “But she refuses to say it.”

I don’t mind if she embarrasses me, as long as it’s an accident. Besides, when her friends leave, is she really going to make them walk around the house instead of letting them go through it? She can introduce her pet to them, too!

“Taya is surrendering,” Flo said. “But she’s making Watcher act as their chaperone.”

That’s probably for the best. It looked like the kids were in the middle of a lesson, so they’d probably come in when it was over.

While I was watching them, my griffin maid placed a cup of tea on the table next to me. “Here you are, my lady,” he warmly said.

“Thank you.” Even if I don’t remember ordering tea. “How does the kitchen look?”

“Busy. There’s even a mare in there I don’t recognize. She’s the one who made the tea.”

“How thoughtful of her,” I said as I sipped it. Sure enough, it tasted like the tea Celestia usually had. “I believe Taya and her friends might come inside soon. Would it be good to offer them snacks, or is that beneath my station?”

“Personally, I’d err on the side of politeness,” he replied with a shrug. “These are Taya’s friends, so it seems like a good idea to cater to them.”

“Ask Spike if he can make some of his dragonfire cookies. Those only take a few minutes and they pair decently with tea. We should even have everything we need.”

“As you wish, my lady.” He walked back off to the kitchen. Truly, it amazed me how well he resembled a female griffin. A part of me was worried when I found him wearing the maid outfit, but if he passed well enough to even fool Princess Gilda, then I’d say he was the perfect trap.

In a pleasant turn of events, Spike came in with the cookies right as the lesson was wrapping up outside. “So you’re actually going to be nice to her friends?” Spike asked.

“Don’t seem so surprised about it, please. How’s cooking with mom?”

“It’s not cooking with mom, it’s cooking with a mare I just met today. And it’s been pretty fun! The maid you’re testing should be ready soon, but the mare we just met is going to need a little longer.”

“She can take her time. Do you want to greet the kids, or are you going to abandon me to fend for myself?”

“I need to keep cooking, so I’ll send Kat back in,” he said. “There’s no need for her to keep an eye on the maid with both me and Celestia watching.”

“Perfect.” I’m not really sure Kat’s the best replacement, but sure. “Thanks for the cookies, Spike.”

“Kat will probably be bringing more tea with her,” he replied as he left. “Have fun, Navi!”

A few moments later, Kat walked in carrying a tray with tea, some cups, and sugar. Rocksy, Taya’s pet cockatrice, was draped across her shoulders. “That mystery mare is surprisingly good in a kitchen, my lady,” she said as she walked to my side and set the tea next to the cookies. “Better than Sunset Breeze, though I understand the mystery mare isn’t for hire.”

“Her contract would come with more trouble than it’s worth and she’d probably only cook for me. Taya’s friends are coming in. Can you help me pretend to be normal?”

“I do my best every day, but you fight it as hard as you can,” Kat sarcastically replied.

“That means you have experience, so it should be easy. Here they come. Remember their names for me, because I probably won’t.”

“You think of the two new maids as the blue one and the pink one, don’t you?”

“Don’t let them know, but that colt is probably forever going to be the red one. That filly is the scared white one. I’m really not good with pony names. Not gonna lie, I love your name. It makes things super easy for me.”

“My lady…” She managed to fit so much disappointment in two words… It was quite impressive, honestly.

“Don’t worry, I have elementals for this kind of thing. Darya can remind me if it’s ever important.” I was spared from having to further explain myself by the entrance of Taya and her friends. Rocksy flopped off Kat’s shoulder and started running up to my filly. As expected, the white filly squealed and tried jumping back outside, but just rammed face-first into Watcher instead.

“I’m not that scary, am I?” I asked.

“I think she was running from Rocksy, for some reason,” Taya said as she pet the cockatrice. “There’s no reason foals should ever fear you, mo… mother.”

That made me blink, but I figured she probably didn’t want to call me mommy in front of her friends. Although one of them was busy staring at me in awe while the other was rubbing her nose, so it’s possible neither was paying attention. “So, are these the students you’re tutoring?”

“Yes, this is Thunder Charge and Lila Love.” Those names might actually be distinctive enough to remember, wow. “This is my mother, Lady Navarone, and our vassal, Katrina.” There was a small pause in her pronunciation of Kat’s name, amusingly enough. “And this is my pet cockatrice, Rocksy.”

“You have a cat named Kat?” Thunder asked.

“And a cockatrice called Rocksy…” Lila said, eyes wide. Then she looked up at me and bowed. “My lady, this house has such a wonderful grasp of Equestria’s perfect naming system!”

My first reaction was to get angry about that for obvious reasons, but then I realized that she might be right. I couldn’t really get angry with Equestria’s shitty punny names when I had a cat named Kat, a spider named Spider, elementals that had nothing but water puns for names, and many more besides. So instead of getting angry at them, I resolved to forever forget their names.

“This manor is actually called Stormview Estate,” Kat said. “It faces the cliffside where the storms roll in from Cloudsdale.”

“Spike made dragonfire cookies, if you’re interested,” I said. For some reason, her two friends seemed surprised by that.

“He didn’t put gems in them this time, did he?” Taya asked.

“I asked him to make them so ponies could eat them, but I haven’t actually tested them yet.”

“They were tested thoroughly before arriving from the kitchen,” Kat said. “My ladies may be immune to poison, but all the same…”

“So w-what are dragonfire cookies?” the white one slowly asked.

“Wait, Taya’s immune to poison?” the red one butted in. “How?”

“Oh, I just stopped being a pony,” Taya replied with a shrug. “Anyway, that’s a lot less interesting than cookies without gems in them!” With that, the two fillies rushed to the table. The colt seemed to have a lot more questions, though he followed them all the same.

“To answer the first question, these are cookies magically baked with dragonfire,” I said, holding one up. When I broke it in half, it made a loud cracking noise. “They’re extremely brittle, but won’t crumble apart when you bite into them. If you add a little warm tea, they practically melt in your mouth.” Essentially, they were large, super crispy chocolate chip cookies.

“I didn’t know dragons baked cookies!” the filly said, holding one of the cookies up and staring at it in wonder.

“You’ll find a lot of things in this house you won’t find anywhere else in Equestria,” Kat said. “I’m sure you hear the piano music now.”

“It’s a song I’ve never heard before,” the white one said. With that, she finally bit into the cookies. Her eyes widened even more.

“...So if you’re not a pony, what are you?” the red one finally asked, looking Taya over. “I mean, you look a lot like a pony. Your hair and eyes changed, but I thought that was just magic…”

“Should I answer that?” Taya asked, looking up to me. “I haven’t really explained it to anyone yet…”

“It’s a little late to be asking that question,” Watcher said, using magic to snag a single cookie for himself. “You can either use magic to erase the memory or tell him. Staying quiet’s no longer an option.”

“Watcher, don’t be ominous and spooky in front of kids,” I said. “Obviously you should tell them, Taya. I mean, spring starts tomorrow, doesn’t it? Our hair will be changing to match. If it comes with flowers, we’ll have to explain it. Besides, it’s not like it’s a problem for anyone. Just like he said, you still look like a pony.”

“Wait, are you a changeling?” the colt asked, his eyes widening.

“No, I’m a tree sister,” Taya said. “It’s a creature that’s been infused with the power of a plant.”

“H-how did that happen?” the filly asked. It was a little muffled, since her mouth was stuffed full of cookies.

“I used a magic potion I asked our zebra shaman to brew. I got the recipe in a pocket dimension guarded by an ancient goddess’s menacing labyrinth. As I thought, these cookies really are amazing when they don’t have gems in them…”

“That was your own fault for sneaking his cookies,” I said. Besides, it probably tasted good before blood was all you could taste. “Anyway, her transformation isn’t really something you should be concerned about. Oh, that does remind me, though. Taya, if any of the mages at the tower ask to experiment on you, tell them I’ll allow it on the condition I can experiment on them first.”

“‘Kay.”

“So… you’re part plant?” the red one asked.

“Yep,” Taya said with a nod. “That part hurt a lot, but not for long. Though technically, I’m still in the early stages of the overall transformation. My mother is much further along, as you can see.” I waved my tail at them, making both of her friends blink in surprise.

“I thought you had a dragon tail!” the red one shouted.

“I did. Taya may have told you that I was away for a while. Let’s just say my body was… gestating. You probably noticed my wings, too.” I spread my new magical wings so they could get a better look. “I’m becoming less animal-like and more fae-like. It’s possible Taya’s body will eventually go through similar changes, but the rate at which it happens can be unpredictable.” Given that it relies on getting horribly injured or dying.

“So why did you do it?” the white one asked, looking at my filly. “Is being a tree sister why you’re so powerful?”

“No, my strength was because of a bargain with a demon,” Taya said. “I don’t really think that deal was worth it, though. But I became a tree sister because I wanted to. So far, it’s totally been worth it!”

“Wait, you made a deal with a demon?!” the colt shouted.

“You’re quite excitable, I see,” I said with a smile. “I mean, who hasn’t made a bargain or two with demons? Though Taya’s demon was a hell of a lot more evil than the ones I worked with. And infinitely more powerful.”

“Taya, were you involved in the attack on the tower?” the white one asked. “That was before I became a student, but I heard the demons captured a lot of researchers and students…”

“No, I wasn’t allowed to help,” Taya said, turning a pointed gaze toward me. “Apparently I wasn’t strong enough and would have gotten in the way.”

“The one who set that standard was Celestia, not me,” I said. “We didn’t even take Shining Armor in with us. Taya, I don’t mind if you talk about being a tree sister, but keep quiet about that deal.”

“...Lame,” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, being a tree sister is great. I don’t feel hunger the same way anymore, since I get most of my energy from the sun. I still have to eat, but not nearly as much. All of my nature-oriented spells have gotten stronger, not that I ever have a use for most of them. Once spring rolls around, I won’t have to sleep at all until fall comes in. That’ll be the best part!”

“...That sounds awesome,” the colt said. “Why don’t more ponies do this?”

“For the same reason you had no idea what a tree sister was until today,” Kat said. “Lady Navarone and I are both very well traveled, but the two of us have only met a single other tree sister aside from Taya.”

“We also met a mushroom sister,” Taya said. “She looked really weird.”

“There are also downsides,” I said. “But it’s never good to reveal one’s weaknesses, so you’ll have to figure those out on your own.”

“I bet you’re extra flammable, huh?” the white one asked.

I narrowed my eyes at her before looking at Watcher. “You know what to do.”

He also narrowed his eyes at the filly, who was starting to sweat bullets. While still glaring at her, he used magic to summon a notebook, wrote something in it, then made it disappear. “It will be done, my lady,” he finally replied. With that, both of us stopped glaring at her. Part of that was because it looked like she was about to faint.

“Didn’t you just tell him not to be ominous and spooky in front of kids?” Kat asked.

“Yeah, but we were clearly joking. I mean, Taya obviously got it.” Though now that I looked at the colt, he also seemed pretty nervous. “Wow. You two are surprisingly normal, huh?”

“...I heard some nobles keep ponies like him around to make other ponies disappear,” the colt whispered.

“Oh. I thought that was something only the princess did. Watcher, apologize for scaring her.” For some reason, I heard Kat lightly groan behind me.

“It’s hard to keep up my gruff old man act if you make me apologize to an adorable filly,” he said with a sigh. “I’m sorry for obeying my lady’s order to scare you. I should have been the responsible adult and ignored it.”

“It’s good that you recognize what you did wrong,” I said with a nod. Kat was fidgeting more and more, so I decided it was best to wrap this up. “Taya, while you’re inside, there’s something I need assistance with. I’m in the process of interviewing two of the applicants Doppel found. One is in the kitchen making something and the other is upstairs working on a different project. I’d like your opinion on both of them.”

“Why would you want my opinion?”

“Because you’re my filly, obviously. Why would I hire maids without asking you about them first? Neither should take very long, so you can start practicing again soon.”

“I can definitely help,” she replied with a nod. “But it’s getting pretty late. I was thinking we’d call it quits on practice for the night.”

“It’s not really that late, though,” the colt said.

“It is for a tree sister,” Taya said. “Once spring rolls around, I’ll be happy to practice all night long. Until then, I don’t want to stay up too late.”

“That’s the healthy way,” I said, reaching over to boop my filly. Her friends seemed a little surprised by that, but neither said anything. Darya, what’s Doppel’s status?

“She’s looking more and more adorable every moment,” Darya replied. “But the ensemble isn’t complete. Would you like her to come down when it is?”

No, we’ll go up to her. I’m sure Taya doesn’t want her friends to see a double of her, especially one that’s all dressed up. What’s the status of our chefs?

“The test dish will be out in moments. Celestia’s dish will take another five or so.”

“The mare in the kitchen should be done soon,” I said. “I’d like to leave tasting her dish up to the ponies, since that’s all she’s had experience cooking for. If she can cook so that a pony can enjoy it, she can learn to cook for the rest of us.”

“Is she okay with cooking meat?” Watcher asked.

“She said she had no opinion on the matter, so probably. If not, we still have Kat, Gilda, and Spike who can cook it.”

“...I’ve never had meat before,” the colt whispered, looking down.

“It tastes awful, at least for ponies,” Taya said with a shiver.

“And it’s not good for ponies, either,” I added. “So you’re better off as you are, trust me. I’m going to check on the status of the maid upstairs. Taya, I’ll call for you when it’s time for you to come up.”

“I’ll be here,” she replied with a smile.

Kat probably didn’t want to play babysitter and leaving an assassin in charge of someone else’s kids seemed unwise. If the kids knew what kind of monster she was, they would probably be running away screaming. Though they’d probably also run from Watcher if they knew about his past. Still, he was just helping them practice. The filly would probably get over her terror quickly, right? With those thoughts, I pulled my kitty along with me.

When Kat and I got to the main room, Spider stopped playing and looked over to us. “Should I hide, my lady? I don’t want to scare your guests…”

“No, you’re free to keep playing,” I said. “Anyone who attacks someone playing a piano has no right to be our guest. Besides, Watcher is keeping an eye on them. He won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“Yes, my lady.” With that, most of his legs went back to playing. It was nothing close to what Flo could manage with all of her tendrils, but he was definitely much better than most ponies could ever dream of becoming.

However, every note was successfully muted by Darya, so all of that was purely conjecture.

“Kat, do you think we should introduce them preemptively?”

“Taya briefed them, supposedly. Besides, I’ve ensured that Spider can defend himself.”

Spider was in his own world, not paying us any mind. I continued past him, up to the stairs. It was tempting to fly to the top, but I’d still have to wait for Kat. Instead, we both made the long walk to the fourth floor together.

“They’re not actually finished, are they?” Kat whispered when we started walking to Taya’s room.

“I couldn’t even pretend to be normal for five minutes, Kat,” I whispered back. “I’m a failure of a noble…”

“And a failure of a mother, too,” she helpfully added, patting me on the shoulder. “That coma didn’t really help much, huh?”

“Hey, I don’t think I embarrassed her. She seemed happy when I left.”

“You used Watcher to threaten them!” she hissed. “It’s possible she was just happy that you were leaving at all!”

Thankfully, we were right in front of Taya’s door, so I didn’t have to reply to that. Instead, I let myself in like I owned the place. Inside, Evening Mist, also known as the blue one, was dolling up a petulant looking Taya.

“What’s wrong, Doppel?” I asked. “I thought you enjoyed pretty parties!”

“I’m pretending to be Taya,” she said, dropping her pout instantly and falling into a surprisingly cute smile. “I mean, have you ever seen her look as adorable as this?”

“Kat, close the door,” I said. She did so without a word. “Doppel, have you ever wondered how I decided which was the real Taya when we first met?”

“The fact that you’re asking after telling Kat to close the door means it’s going to be really disappointing, isn’t it?” Doppel asked.

“You had more life in your eyes than Taya. A bigger spark, more drive. Although a part of that may have just been hunger… Either way, it’s natural that someone with that kind of presence can make themselves look better. Another part of it is natural charisma, which is something you can’t turn off.”

“You really shouldn’t flirt with someone who looks like your daughter, you know…” Doppel said with a large blush.

“How is that flirting?” I asked. “Anyway, how close are you to finishing, Miss Mist?”

“You can call me Evee, my lady! Or Misty, if you’d prefer…”

Do we already have a Misty? Darya, are any of the elementals named that?

“No, but there is a Mist,” she replied. “If you’ve already forgotten her name, giving this maid a nickname you’ll also forget shouldn’t hurt.”

Probably. “Evee it is, then. My fake filly is certainly turning out to be adorable, but… why gothic lolita?”

“Our previous lord traded in a human commodity called manga! I learned from those that this was a popular style where you’re from, my lady. I thought this would remind you of home!”

RARITY STRIKES AGAIN! “...I see.” Yeah, I see that somebody needs murdering. “So, Sunset Breeze is your sister?”

“Yep! We’re twins. Which, let me tell you, is not good for the mother. That many horns get all kinds of places.”

“Was your last lord the only one you’ve worked for?” Kat asked.

“He’s the only one my sister and I have worked with on our own contract,” she replied. “Before then, we were included with our parents when they applied. Then one day our father got taken by the fun police. Breezy wouldn’t tell me what happened to mommy, but I bet the fun police got her, too. They get all kinds of ponies, after all…” She went silent for a moment, the smile on her face quivering slightly. “But I’ll be happy enough for my sister and I. They won’t get us.” With that, her smile returned to its normal width. “I’m gonna make this filly so cute, my lady!”

“She seems interesting,” Kat said, casually locking arms with me. “Equestria’s fun police sure did a number to the ponies, huh?”

“Breezy said we shouldn’t talk about the fun police, but… that you should be okay,” the blue one said, turning to me. “She said the fun police worked for you, right? That means we’re safe if we work here, right?”

“You won’t need to worry about them if you work for me,” I said. “But the fun police definitely do not work for me.”

“...Of course not, my lady.” With that, she returned to her task. At the moment, Doppel was wearing a red and dark purple frilly and fluffy dress. Her white hair was set up in pigtails, which was apparently the signature style for gothic lolita. Currently, Evee was working on Doppel’s makeup. That involved lipstick and some stuff around the eyes. There were a number of bows lined up, so I assumed they’d be attached at some point.

“So, is it comfortable?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t want to wear this in summer, but it might be suitable for fall or winter,” Doppel said. “The dress is a little heavy, but not so much that it’s a problem. Apparently there’s also a version that includes lingerie, but I told her not to worry about that for Taya. And there will be shoes, but not heels. Moving around should prove no issue.”

“I definitely think you look cute, and not just because you’re you. I’m planning on getting Taya’s opinion when it’s finished. She’s probably in the middle of rating your sister’s work now.”

“Didn’t you wait to try my sister’s cooking?” Evee asked.

“No, I got scared off by my filly’s friends,” I said. “It’s for the best that I stay away from normal children.”

“M-my lady… I promise I won’t judge your habits.”

“I don’t know what habits you think I might have, but there’s probably a misunderstanding somewhere in there. Anyway, I’ll leave you to it for now. Darya will let me know when you’re ready.”

Doppel was currently being a doll and the maid was focusing on her task, so neither bowed as we left. I didn’t want to risk scaring Taya’s friends again, so I returned to my room. As soon as the door was shut behind us, Kat sighed. “My lady, is hiding away up here really a better choice than getting to know your filly’s friends?”

“Maybe the coma taught me to recognise my limits,” I replied. “Besides, I believe the mystery mare is cooking some manner of meat. It’s probably better that I eat that away from the kids.”

“...I suppose it’s unfair for me to complain about your inability to be normal, even for a few minutes,” Kat said. “But the situation definitely needs to be rectified. Even if by some miracle you unfortunately become my lord instead of my lady, you’ll still need to be able to pretend to be normal.”

“...Unfortunately?” I slowly replied. Her eyes widened when she realized what she said. “Kat, do you prefer my female body?”

“I… Of course, I want you to be happy…”

“But you seem to think me becoming male again is unfortunate, do you not? Why is that, Kat?” She didn’t reply and just looked away, so I leaned in very close to stare at her even more intently. It was making her blush, oddly enough. “Huh, Kat? Why would that be unfortunate? Your lady is asking you a question, isn’t she? Aren’t you going to obey her by providing an answer?”

“You… I don’t think the answer would… please you, my lady.”

“I don’t recall asking to be coddled. I recall asking a question. A question you are going to answer, aren’t you?”

“...Seeing you look uncomfortable excites me, my lady,” she finally whispered, still not meeting my gaze. “And you never look as uncomfortable as you do when I’m dolling you up to the best of my ability, so…”

Wow, look at that! My hands ended up around her throat all on their own! Did I finally get enough of a soul to learn teleportation? Hm, my least favorite vassal is attempting to say something, but can’t because my magic hands are still doing their thing. I would stop them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do magic again. Letting things run their course seems prudent.

“So should we stop her?” Darya asked in my head. “It seems like she’s trying to pretend her arms are moving on their own.”

“I’m not sure Kat has learned her lesson yet, but it might be for the best,” Flo replied. “Let’s hit the emergency brakes.”

Just like that, any possibilities of me learning teleportation dried up as my brain leeches pressed the ‘No Fun Allowed’ button. Still, maybe it wasn’t all bad. “So, have you learned any lessons?” I asked. Kat’s throat was probably too damaged to reply, but Cascade would fix it up quickly. The damage didn’t stop her from nodding, at least. “I think the coma made me more violent. That was the second time I’ve throttled you since I got out… Or maybe you’re just more annoying now?”

“It… it was clearly… my f-fault, my lady,” Kat hoarsely replied. “Please, p-punish me m-more!”

Wow, creepy. It’s tempting to give her some vibrating panties, but that’s probably not the best idea at the moment. “No, attempted murder is enough for now,” I said. Actually, it might have been a little too much. Thank you for stopping me. “But get your shit together. I’m so sick of dealing with this. Wait, is that why you seduced me in bed that night?”

“My lady, your horrified expression was like ambrosia! Making you scream in terrified pleasure was orgasmic for me! I know you hate being in this body, which only makes it all the better for me!”

I’m regretting keeping her around more and more. “You’re not allowed to do anything to stop me from turning back. No destroying the artifact I need, no hiding documents on how to find it, nothing to obscure it at all.”

“Of course, my lady… But I hope I can enjoy myself plenty until it happens…”

This fucking bitch… Right as my hands were starting to display more signs of teleportation magic, the door opened and in walked the mystery mare with a plate full of mystery meat. The vegetables on the side were mushrooms and onions. The meat was cut like a steak, but there’s no telling what animal it was from.

“Am I… interrupting something?” Celestia asked with a sweet smile. She found an apron somewhere that read ‘Kiss the Chef’.

“My lady was about to punish me for speaking out of turn,” Kat asked with a sensual smile in my direction. “I was hoping for another spanking this time!”

“Yes, her hands are quite enjoyable,” Celestia said, nodding. “Anywho, your meal is ready, my lady!”

“This is a little much for a test meal, but I’ll happily put your meat in my mouth,” I replied. “What did you think of your competition?”

“That mare is six thousand years too early to compete against me,” Celestia proudly replied, lifting a hoof to her chest. With that, she floated the plate over to my desk, then magicked in a fork and knife. “Go on, Navi. Put my juicy meat inside your mouth…”

“I feel like I’m watching something indecent,” Kat whispered, but I ignored her and took a seat at my desk. Celestia used magic to push me in and then summoned some kind of juice for me. “Come on, now you’re just showing off!”

“If you have time to feel jealous over my service skills, perhaps you should spend that time becoming better,” Celestia smugly said. “Maybe then you wouldn’t get punished!”

They continued bickering and fighting for my attention. Unfortunately for them, said attention was now focused solely on the steak. Sure enough, it tasted amazing. That was bad news, because it meant Celestia’s value as a wife was shooting higher and higher.

“This is surprisingly good,” I said. That cut their argument off immediately, of course. Celestia was left smiling while Kat was stuck pouting. But pouting suits catgirls better than smiling anyway, so it was a win-win for me. “Though I do have to ask… What kind of meat is this? It’s not one I recognize off the top of my head.”

“Pork,” Celestia replied. “The griffins breed deer for most of their meat. Ponies use pigs for most of ours. Though of course, most ponies don’t know that such industries exist.”

Oh great, now I’m definitely going to hell. Although I’m pretty sure the bacon I used to eat counts, even if my parents said it didn’t. Oh well, too late now. “It’s nice and juicy. I guess you pass.”

“Can I get a numerical score, my lady?” she sweetly and not-so-humbly asked.

“I give it a ninety-three out of a hundred. It’s actually slightly shocking that you know how to cook meat so well. I understand that you may have gone through wife training and that it may have involved cooking, but did it involve cooking meat?”

“I may have also had some pointers from Flo and Darya. If I’m being honest, those courses were over fifteen hundred years ago, though I took them every hundred years or so before then. As it happened, Luna is the only one who ever got to put those skills to use… not that she ever spent much time developing them to begin with. As I’m sure you discovered, unfortunate things happen to those who catch her eye.”

“She bragged to me about how she did something great for mares everywhere by creating restraining orders.”

“Ah, yes, that time she tried explaining to me that having someone murdered and shackled into an undead body was less of a problem than breaking the restraining order. The only reason she resorted to such methods is because I forbade her quite strictly from breaking said restraining order. She decided murdering that poor soul was better than disobeying me…”

“And yet Oldlestia didn’t deign to warn me. At least Chrysalis dropped hints for me…”

“Oldlestia didn’t want Luna to fall in love with you, but she also didn’t want you to run away,” Celestia said. “And obviously telling you all of that would have made you run for the hills, not that it would have done you any good. Refusing to bear your fangs and obeying us was probably the safest choice you could have made, not that it ended up being all that safe of a choice in the end. Of course, when Luna went too far, Oldlestia quickly put her in her place.”

“That’s true,” I said. “Anyway, now that you’ve passed your test, would you like to tell me what the test was for?” My confusion didn’t stop me from eating, of course. After all, it was delicious.

“I believe it was for the right to cook you dinner tonight,” she said, poking at her chin with a hoof. “You obviously didn’t want me around, so I figured I had to prove my worth. Apparently I passed! I hope this means I can cook you dinner every now and then…”

Shit, it’s too late to fail her now. Although at this point, I feel like I’m just playing the mouse to her cat based on our past relationship. As long as I’m wary of not letting my guard down… “I don’t see any problem with that,” I finally said, though I couldn’t help but follow it with a sigh. Kat’s pout intensified. “Just please don’t be annoying about it. I do my best to leave the annoyances outside.”

“Then why is she still here?” Celestia asked, looking at Kat.

“Because if I kicked her out, she would just stalk me. She knows at this point that kidnapping me for long would be impossible, since the elementals would always be able to find me. Plus, as long as my eyes were open, a unicorn would be able to teleport me out. That makes stalking her only option.”

“That’s not completely true,” Kat said, her pout melting away into a predator’s grin. “I would definitely stalk you, but I certainly wouldn’t leave it at just stalking.”

“And thus, the reason she’s still here,” I said. “As long as she’s my vassal, I can safely order her to stop bothering me. But if I kick her out, she won’t have to pretend to care about what I say anymore.”

“I see,” Celestia said, eyes wide. “That human pull of yours works differently on everyone, doesn’t it?”

“I think it just reacts poorly to instabilities,” I replied. “Luna was similarly crazy, but has recently started getting her excrement together. You know, marginally.” Unlike a certain someone, who probably just lost all rights to helping me get dressed. Kat suddenly shivered before staring at me in fear. I happily ignored her in favor of the steak, though it was rapidly disappearing.

“No, if that was the case, Moonbeam wouldn’t have let you out of her grasp,” Celestia said. “She has a lot more instabilities, she’s just doing her absolute best to hide them around you.”

“She’s also completely fae instead of just part fae, so it’s affecting her differently anyway,” I said.

“...Fae. I take that to mean a being who is completely magical in nature? Beings like changelings and, say, tree sisters.”

“Indeed. I don’t know if it really counts with something like me, though. I do feel more flighty than I used to when I first got here, but that might just be all the trauma. I certainly do look pretty fae now, though. I’m pretty sure it’ll be worse if I ever die and have to revive. At that point, I probably won’t have to worry about the human pull thing anymore. I won’t be human enough for it to matter.”

“Do we need to worry about countering it, then?” Kat asked. “I don’t really see the harm in it, myself… I’m quite happy serving my precious Navi!” Apparently that statement warranted hugging me from behind. Since I was nice, I used that opportunity to feed her the last bite of the lovely steak. Or at least, I attempted to.

As soon as Kat tried to bite down on it, the meat teleported back onto my plate. “Navi, don’t tell me you’re going to give away the meal I hoof-made for you,” Celestia said with an uncomfortably intense look on her face.

“Okay, I definitely won’t tell you,” I said. Apparently sharing wasn’t allowed, so I ate the last bite myself instead. Kat might have moped about it if she wasn’t still latched around me. As it was, she seemed content to ignore Celestia’s barbs. “I can’t bring the humans forward in time without fixing the issue with the pull. That would throw the world out of balance. It won’t be as bad now that we’re wary, but we’ve already seen what kind of damage just one human can do. And we obviously can’t just leave the humans alone in their own little corner of the world, because they’ll definitely just do what humans always do. It’ll turn into us versus them, war will break out, and all the suffering I went through will have been for nothing.”

“Countering something like that for one human might be feasible, but all of them might be difficult,” Celestia said. “Though truth be told, just being aware of it can be enough to stop oneself from slipping too far into it. But spreading awareness across the entire world is still asking a little much. Are you truly sure that allowing time colonists is wise? I hate to sound heartless, but the humans died an awfully long time ago. Trying to resurrect an extinct race might cause irreparable damage to this world, Nav. The fact that we’re having to do so much planning just to counteract a single part of their existence, this terrifying pull of theirs, is proof of that. Then we have to take countermeasures for their technology! And then their insidiousness! Then their spite! I have no desire to watch my kingdom burn up in flames and be bathed in poison. If anything, we should commemorate their existence as the great architects who recreated all life on this planet, and use the tale of their downfall to remind ourselves that even the mightiest can fall when poisoned by Discord.”

“I’d probably be cool with that if we didn’t have to deal with Jonathan,” I replied with a shrug. “But I don’t think he’ll settle for that and getting rid of him would be an absolute nightmare. The idea of a time colony is really interesting, though. And it reminds me of something I was considering in my coma. There were a whole bunch of periods when humans killed other humans in massive quantities. I’m pretty sure the Mongol Empire killed something like ten percent of the population of the entire planet. What if, instead of letting those random peasants get murdered, we kidnap them instead? With all the superstitions and whatnot in my world, if someone who looks like me appears before an invasion with a few pegasi in tow, I’d probably be called an angel or something and they’d follow me with no questions asked. Technology in our world didn’t start advancing really quickly until a hundred or so years before I disappeared. Before then, most of the world was on par with Gryphus. The people we’d rescue would still be humans, of course, but they’d be grateful. After I have a stable population of grateful time refugees in my colony, I can bring over the people I promised to help. By then, there would be enough docile, loyal humans that a few bad eggs shouldn’t be able to accomplish much.”

“...Look at what a single bad egg did to Equestria,” Kat whispered in my ear. Celestia’s ears flinched, but she didn’t say anything.

“How long do you intend to hang onto me?” I asked. She wasn’t uncomfortable, but having that creep near me made my skin crawl.

“As long as my lady allows it, of course,” she said, snuggling me tighter.

“It’s time,” Darya said in my head. “Doppel is ready for your perusal.”

“Apparently Doppel is ready for me to look at,” I said. “The other potential maid dressed her up all cute-like.”

“So I heard,” Celestia replied. “The mare in the kitchen thought it was a little odd you used a changeling shaped as your daughter instead of your actual daughter.”

“A changeling shaped like my daughter is better than a mirror,” I said. “I want to ask for Taya’s opinion on it too, even if she probably doesn’t care.”

“Shall I summon Taya and her friends?” Kat asked.

“I don’t know if Taya wants her friends to see her dressed like that. Otherwise, I’d just have Doppel come downstairs. One moment, let me ask.” Flo, ask if Taya wants her friends to see Doppel dressed up.

“She absolutely doesn’t,” Flo replied. “I’ll explain the situation to her as Kat heads downstairs. The other maid finished what she was cooking and Taya’s sharing it with her friends now. All three approve, of course.”

Make sure she comes up here even if she doesn’t care. It won’t take long. “Kat, go get Taya. Just her. I won’t pull her from her friends for long, of course.”

“Wait, what?” Celestia said. “I thought you said you were going to go ask Taya.”

“I never mentioned going anywhere. I just used Flo. Kat, why are you still hugging me? I gave you an order.”

“Right, of course!” She quickly released me. “Sorry, I was too engrossed in your scent…”

“If you actually want me to like you, you’re doing a terrible job,” I said. “Go get Taya.”

“At once, my lady.” With that, she finally left, closing the door behind her.

“If you’re having that much trouble with her, I can find you several attendants who definitely won’t just be spies,” Celestia said. “I’ve had some unpleasant subjects before, but there weren’t many I wanted to strangle.”

“That’s because ponies don’t have fingers,” I replied. “Of course it wouldn’t come as natural to you. You threw me against a wall once just because I followed the orders I was given.”

“That just proves how exceptional you are, doesn’t it? Now, shall we go see this faux-daughter of yours?”

“Are you here to cook or are you here to hang out?”

“...I can’t do both?”

“Whatever. Let’s go.” The two of us walked out of my room and over to my filly’s. The door was closed, so I rudely barged in. At the moment, it was just the maid and Doppel, but Taya teleported to us seconds after we walked in.

“Who wants to walk up stairs?” Taya scoffed.

“If I have to walk up and down instead of getting to fly, I don’t see why you should get to teleport,” I replied. “But whatever. What do you think of your new look?”

With that, we all turned our judgemental eyes toward Doppel. Her purple fur went pretty well with the white hair and red and purple dress. Her mane was done up as drill pigtails. All the ruffles and bows covering the dress were a little over the top, but that was normal for the style she was going for. As someone who was forced into a similarly gothic lolita outfit once, I knew it was surprisingly comfy. I also knew that I looked so cute that it was uncomfortable. The fake Taya standing before me was definitely cute, but not in an uncomfortable way.

“I actually kinda like it,” Taya said. “If I have to wear a dress, I think dark colors would suit me best. And the ruffles would help hide the pudge you’re so ashamed of. All the lace might get a little hot, though. And um… I don’t really like makeup, but just that much is fine. The hair style is a little over the top, but I guess that’s a noble thing, so that makes it okay?”

“Even if it took ages to get everything done,” Doppel replied, pouting a little. “How are you gonna make it up to me, mommy?”

“Don’t you even start, missy,” I replied. If I was closer, I might have even thumped her on the nose.

“So what do you think, mommy?” my real filly asked.

“I think it’s cute, but you might risk attracting anime nerds if anyone sees you like this. Especially since you’re my daughter.”

“Well, that’s what combat magic is for,” Taya replied with a shrug. “By the way… who’s that?” She was staring at Celestia, but then sniffed and narrowed her eyes. “Wait, never mind. Flo told me. Why are you… like that?”

“To blend in, of course,” Celestia replied. “I couldn’t do anything about the voice, though.”

“It’s distinctive, but most people have never heard your voice anyway,” I said. “What do you think of the ensemble, Sunny?”

“I think referring to your maid as an ensemble is a little insulting, for one,” Celestia said. “Second, I deem it acceptable for the Gala.”

“Not that it means much, since I never intend to go to another Gala,” I said. “But it’s good to have your… what’s wrong?” For some reason, Celestia’s entire face just went completely emotionless. “Actually, it’s for the best I don’t know. It’s good to have your approval. I deem it a pass.” The blue one, Evening Mist, hoof pumped. “Taya, what did you think of the food?”

“It’s worth eating at least once a day for a while,” she confidently replied. “Maybe as many as three times, if I was pushing it…”

“So does this mean we’re hired?” Evening Mist sweetly asked.

“Sure does. Doppel, you’re welcome to take it away from here. Well, I guess after you get changed.” With that, she turned herself into a snake, slithered out of the clothes, and flashed right back into a changeling. “Not exactly what I meant by changing, but I guess that also works.”

“We’re finally safe from the fun police!” the crazy mare shouted in glee.

“The… fun police?” Celestia said, tilting her head.

“The ponies who took father away when he stopped smiling,” the blue one sagely said. “My silly sister thinks the guards took him away for learning something he wasn’t supposed to know, but that’s ridiculous. He stopped smiling so the fun police got him! But my new lady works super close with the ruler of the fun police, so that means we’re safe now! I don’t have to smile now, even when I feel like crying!” Which apparently meant right now, because she actually was tearing up.

Oddly enough, Celestia was looking even more gloomy now. “So this is what Oldlestia wrought,” Newlestia whispered, her ears sagging low. “Fun police… This poor mare…”

“Yep, you’re safe now,” I replied to the maid while patting Celestia on the head. “I think the fun police aren’t going to be bothering anyone anymore, in fact.” Luckily, that cheered both of them up.

“So… I have another question,” Taya said. “What’s with the box? Did… Ugh, did someone drop off more dresses?!” With that, she used magic to tear the box open, revealing her runic armor. “...Oh.”

“This is a gift from Jak,” I said. “I was going to tell you about it after your friends left, but well, here you are. It’s basically a smaller version of the armor Luna has. It becomes much stronger when powered with a blood gem, but we can play with it later. You probably shouldn’t leave your friends for too long.”

“...The armor is cooler, though.”

“You have people who enjoy spending time with you, Taya,” I said. “You shouldn’t spurn that. It’s a valuable thing. I mean, do you want to turn into some six thousand year old hag who lives vicariously through her students to the point of making them send all the minute details of their lives spelled out in ridiculous letters?” That actually didn’t seem to depress Celestia any further, but it’s possible she was already past her breaking point.

“No, that sounds like an existence worse than hell itself,” Taya sarcastically replied, staring directly at Celestia. With her snarky statement delivered, my daughter’s loving eyes turned back to me. “I guess I’ll head back downstairs… My friends seem to want to talk more with the great hero of Equestria, mommy. Are you gonna join us?”

“I’m relatively confident I can pretend to be normal for at least a few minutes. Sunny, I’m more partial to arsenic than polonium, so keep that in mind if you plan to poison me tonight.”

“You couldn’t even be normal for two sentences!” Celestia said. “Ugh. And what was that about not going to the Gala?! You’ll be there if I have to have you dragged in by demons!”

“It would be considerably less dramatic to just have me dragged in by Flo, for real,” I said. “After all, she’s the only one capable of stopping me from ordering Luna to teleport me away.”

“You’re just afraid of having to pick a date, aren’t you?” Taya asked.

“Would it be crass to call dibs?” Celestia asked. “I mean, Luna got away with it a few years ago. I wouldn’t mind enjoying myself for once.”

“You’re assuming Flo would side with you,” I replied, sticking my tongue out at her. “Besides, the Gala is just for showing off, not for romance. I might be okay with escorting someone, but I feel like calling it a date would spread rumors far and wide.”

“...Darn, you’re learning,” Celestia said, looking away.

“And that’s worth a darn, huh? Let me guess: You were going to get rumors started about us being a thing, then try to use public pressure to force the issue.”

“I had no such intentions. However, I certainly did think such a thing might occur, and I deemed it an acceptable risk.”

“An acceptable risk you hoped I wouldn’t notice.”

“Is it so wrong to wish for your hand, my lovely lady?”

“It can be, when you’re creepily devious about it. Don’t be a Luna.”

“Rumors are nowhere near the level of giving everyone dreams,” Celestia shot back.

“Fine, then don’t be a Fleur.” That made her ears flinch. “Anyway, I’m looking forward to dinner. Taya, shall we?” Since my favorite pony daughter knows me so well, we instantly teleported away before Celestia could reply.

“...I thought teleportation was supposed to be hard,” the red one whispered.

“That was just blinking,” Taya said. “It costs barely anything. It’s also way easier… once you get used to it.”

“And it can be great for emergency situations,” Watcher added. “A unicorn can blink further than they can teleport, but it’s not as fast because each jump is much shorter.”

“I blink all the time, but it’s never taken me anywhere,” the white one said. “What’s special about magical blinking?”

“It can only be done in two ways,” Watcher said. “The first is by memorizing both your starting location and your ending location. Normal teleportation doesn’t require starting coordinates, but if you add them to the formula, it’ll greatly shorten the distance you can travel, but it reduces the cost even more. The second way requires line of sight. If you can see where you want to blink, you can do so to within a certain distance. That distance increases based on how powerful you are and how experienced you are with the magic. I’m not sure if the cap is actually the horizon or not, but that’s the legend.”

“Doesn’t adding more to the formula make it harder than normal teleportation?” the white one asked.

“That doesn’t apply to every spell,” Taya said. “When it comes to blinking, once you’re an expert, you can jump from room to room in an instant with basically no effort, as long as you’re very familiar with both rooms.”

“But blinking via line of sight will take a little longer, since you usually aren’t as familiar with your destination,” Watcher added. “Though it’s still fast enough to use in combat. Learning it would make you considerably more formidable.”

“...I found that out the hard way,” the red one muttered. Taya smirked. “Though I guess I can’t really feel bad for losing to someone who can even beat the professors…”

“Wait, what?” I said, butting in. “Do the teachers participate in the fights, too?”

“They won’t let me practice against students anymore,” Taya replied, rolling her eyes. “I mean, I only traumatized two or three. It’s not like I win all the bouts against the professors, though. Dueling in class is different than a real fight, so my opponents actually stand a chance.”

“Is Taya really that strong?” the red one asked, looking up at me. “I know she’s become a legend at the tower already, but I heard some of the professors whispering about how she knew all kinds of weird ancient magic!”

“You’re looking at the wrong person,” I said. “I know Taya’s strong and I’ve seen her do a ton of impressive things, but I don’t really have a baseline comparison when it comes to magic. Watcher, where would Taya stand in the tower’s hierarchy when it comes to combat?”

“Near the pinnacle,” he immediately replied. “In terms of raw magical strength, she’s within the top twenty-five. In terms of sheer combat potential, she’s easily within the top ten. But there’s a lot more to magic than combat. Taya knows a good amount of healing and enough other types of magic to get by, but she’s very specialized toward fighting. Her cutie mark is proof of that. For civilians, I recommend a more well-rounded education.”

“I’m gonna be a knight,” the red one said. “That means I’m going all in on the combat magic!”

“Knights aren’t there to fight enemies, they’re there to protect people,” I said. “Part of protecting people is being able to fight, but it also involves being able to heal and put up barriers. Think about Prince Shining Armor. His specialty is defense magic and he made it all the way to the top.” Of course, part of that was nepotism, but that’s just how the world works.

“My lady is mostly right,” Watcher said with a nod. “In combat operations, knights usually work in squads that have members specialized for individual roles. However, there will be times when the other knights you’re working with aren’t unicorns at all and you need to be prepared for any type of situation. Besides, there are a variety of spells from other schools that can come in handy in combat. Telekinesis is the most obvious. You can use that to throw ponies around or use weapons.”

“And illusions can make great distractions,” I said. “Watcher, what was that fog spell you used in the training exercise?”

“You mean when we annihilated the day guards?” he smugly asked. “That was a grandmaster level weather control spell, the only one my squad happens to know. We also added a few touches of our own to make it truly unique, something full of nightmares. But I made sure you wouldn’t run into those when you had to go through it, and that’s not really the kind of spell that’s viable in individual combat. But it’s certainly great for setting the tone of the battlefield and can allow you to easily get the drop on your enemy.”

“Magic is amazing,” the white one whispered. “Those golems are also controlled by magic, right?”

“They’re controlled by runes,” I said. “Those are like magical words that you carve into things. Just one metal golem is more than enough to take down two of the most powerful mages in the tower. I’ve seen it firsthand.”

“Is that what happened to the mages in the book?” Taya asked.

“Sure is,” I replied with a nod. “They smarted off to Athena, so she sent that metal monstrosity to take them on. It was over in seconds. I mean, you were literally using that rock golem for target practice, and the metal golems are considerably stronger. They’re essentially immune to magic and since they’re made of super hard materials, they’re also essentially immune to melee attacks. Thankfully, all of them in the real world belong to me, so it’s not really a concern.”

“Wait, they don’t belong to the princess?” the red one asked. “I know you’re the great hero and all that, but why do you own something so strong?”

“My crew was the one to develop them,” I said. “In my travels, I happened to find someone who was able to teach one of my followers how to create these golems. And then later, I found someone else who was capable of obtaining the resources I needed to make a lot of them. And right now, as we speak, my followers are tearing minerals, stones, and wood from the face of the earth and turning them into a massive army of golems just like those.”

“Well, I guess it makes sense for a hero to have an army,” the white one said with a shrug. “Doing heroic stuff will be easier with one, after all.”

“More importantly, it’ll be less dangerous,” I said. “There’s no reason for me or Taya to go out and fight when we have golems that’ll do it for us.”

“Isn’t enjoying fighting enough of a reason?” Taya asked.

Are you even trying to pretend to be normal? “That will probably depend on the circumstances,” I said. “But between the golems and the rest of my vassals, I don’t see much giving us trouble.”

“What about Arachne?” Watcher asked.

“There are exceptions, of course.”

The conversation continued, but I was forced out of it by Darya. “Luna and the others will be returning from the bunker soon. If your intention is still to have the children avoid everyone else, you should consider getting them to head home.”

Let Taya know. I won’t make them leave, but she might want them to get out before things get weird. I doubt she would be dumb enough to just tell them to leave, but make sure she knows to be polite about it.

“It’s starting to get fairly late,” Taya said, looking out the window. The sun was definitely setting, at this point. “If I had to guess, the rest of our vassals will be getting back soon. You two should escape before they get here. Things get… weird around Luna.” Is that really what you’d consider polite?

“Weirder than a cat named Kat?” the red one asked. Luckily, Kat wasn’t currently in the room. That was a little unusual, but I was still glad I didn’t have to deal with her all over me.

“Yes, Luna is definitely stranger than Kat,” I said. “Living on the moon for a thousand years will do that to someone. Given how normal the two of you are, I would definitely recommend heading back before everyone else returns.”

“...I never thought being called normal could feel like an insult,” the white one whispered.

“Be prepared for anything, because life can come at you fast,” Watcher said. “Despite how my ladies put it, their words are wise. Should you visit again in the future, I definitely recommend doing so when most of the other inhabitants are away. This home is not fit for the faint of heart.”

“I only screamed at the griffin for three whole seconds!” the white one proudly replied. “But um… I also still haven’t met the giant spider…”

“You mean the one playing the piano?” Taya asked. That made their eyes widen, of course. “I’ll introduce you on the way out! Come on.” Of course, neither one seemed that much in a hurry to follow her. But Taya showcased her magical might by carrying them along behind her with telekinesis. Just like that, I put the two of them out of my mind for the indefinite future. Or at least, I tried to, but the incoherent shriek coming from the front room was a little disconcerting. It suddenly cut off before I could worry enough to do anything about it, though, so I stopped thinking about it.

“So, there’s apparently some kind of celebration tonight,” Watcher said. “Do you happen to know anything about that?”

“Celestia’s making me a countess. She’s blaming it on my accomplishments. When Doppel found out, she decided to celebrate, so that’s what we’re doing.”

“I see. Well, congratulations, I guess.”

“Oh, and Celestia’s also making me found a village. She’s even going so far as to force colonists on me. It’s a pain, truly.”

“It seems like Celestia is in quite the hurry to boost your position and power. That’s… interesting.”

“It’s not like I’m able to turn her down,” I said. “I could, theoretically, force the issue, but I feel the need to be careful around her. Besides, at this point, building more power seems like a good idea. I’m not sure getting tied more closely to Equestria is the best choice, but I don’t really have any better options at the moment.”

“Marrying Gilda isn’t a better choice?” he asked. “I think being married to royalty would give you more options than being a countess of Equestria. You could easily influence that country however you wanted. You wouldn’t have to start from scratch with some minor village.”

“Yeah, but then I’d have to marry Gilda. I mean, she’s not the worst option out there, but I just told her it was over. Going back on that now would feel weird. Plus, a village is a good test. If I can’t run one of those, I have no business running a country. Besides, if I had to pick, I’d say developing something from scratch with people I can trust is better than trying to take over something pre-existing, especially since it might be full of people with vested interests. And developing my town from scratch will be ideal in terms of architecture and design, too. Equestria’s aesthetics are too gaudy and they have no concept of urban planning. Every pony city I’ve been to is a nightmarish warren of sidestreets, back alleys, and nonsensical designs. That’s perfectly fitting for a city made of clouds, but letting your own capital city degrade that far is inexcusable. The griffin capital is basically copied from Canterlot, in at least some aspects. And half the griffins literally live in trees. The town I build is going to be planned out properly.”

“And so, it’s not like you could turn her down,” he replied with a sigh.

“Right?”

“Does this mean you’ve decided to stay in Equestria for the foreseeable future?” Watcher asked.

“Out of all the countries I’ve been to, the standard of living here is the highest. My reputation is a little weird, but overall good. I’m a ranking noble. My relationship with the ruler is mostly acceptable. I honestly never really considered just settling down and being a normal noble when everything was all said and done, but I guess it actually is an option. My business ideas will probably give me plenty of power on their own. What do you think I should do, Watcher?”

“By the time it’s all said and done, I have a feeling you’ll be a duchess. It’s entirely possible your existence will be necessary for Equestria’s continued existence. That’s how much Celestia relies on the other dukes. Escaping at that point might be difficult. But… there are worse things in the world than being one of the most powerful people in the most powerful nation on the planet. You have plenty of marriage prospects that would allow you to continue living as you are. Twilight or Fleur, in particular. Personally, though, I have to say it… If you’re going to let Celestia turn you into a duchess, you honestly might as well just let her turn you into royalty. Unless you truly just find the idea of marrying her that abhorrent.”

“It’s an option I feel the need to be wary of, but it’s not off the table. If I did end up getting promoted to duchess, do you think I could still marry another country’s royalty?”

“Do you really want to risk marrying her?” Watcher asked. “Chrysalis may be trying to leave her old self behind now, but there’s no telling how long she’ll keep up the attempt. I highly doubt Newlestia will revert back to her old ways any time soon, but there aren’t any elementals stopping Chrysalis.”

“Well, marrying her would help ensure she doesn’t fall back into her old ways. Between the two, Moonbeam is definitely sexier, scarier, and relatively evil. I haven’t gotten a full read on Newlestia’s personality yet, but she seems to have the same personality Oldlestia put on to fool people. It just feels more earnest, like it’s not an act. So that makes her nicer, probably wiser, and more gentle. Is it weird that I’m having a hard time picking?”

“I really didn’t want to be the one to have to say this, but… Yes. Seriously, what is wrong with you? A repentant monster is still a monster. I understand that you might have some special memories with Chrysalis or Moonbeam, whatever she wants to call herself now, but she was centimeters away from conquering Equestria. You might not have much attachment to this country, but most of the rest of us do. The thought of Equestria’s hero marrying that bug is just… wrong.”

I know I told everyone to be casual with me, but isn’t this pushing it a little? “How were relations between ponies and changelings while you were a soldier?” I asked. “I know your unit was involved in a mission in one of their cities during the invasion, but I don’t know how things were before then.”

“We’ve rescued ponies from hives before, but they’re never the same afterward. It’s hard to come back, mentally speaking, from being gangraped by monsters and impregnated with their eggs. They aren’t usually physically harmed, but something is definitely done to their minds. If I’m being honest… most of them didn’t want to be rescued by the time we got there. Whatever the changelings did made their victims enjoy it. If the princess deems that using criminals for that purpose is acceptable, I’m not one to stand in her way. But the changelings were doing it to ponies they just kidnapped off the streets. That bug you’re so close to was the one at the head of it all. And you’re talking about marrying that thing. Not only that, but one of your other options is Princess Celestia, and you’re having a hard time deciding. I think any Equestrian who heard that would be dumbfounded and insulted, really.”

“I see.”

“Obviously, I have no right to stand in your way. Nor do I have any intention to. But I want as little to do with the changeling nation as possible.”

“I’m surprised so many of you are okay with Doppel.”

“It’s hard to hate someone who’s so willing to take it in whatever hole you prefer,” he said, shrugging. “I thought it might be a problem at first, but she found some creative solutions around it. Obviously not all changelings are evil, but it can be difficult to get along with a species who preys on your kind.”

“Then you’ll be happy to know that there will almost definitely be a changeling whorehouse or two in the village. I guess I should also mention that the colonists I was given are a very interesting bunch. Changelings, kobolds from Hawaii, monkeys from South America, naga from a failing cave, and a group of mercenaries for security.”

“I’m sure Celestia would be willing to give you royal guards for free,” he said. “Why pay mercenaries?”

“I’ve seen the state of the Equestrian military. Unless she has a lot more spec-ops guys like you lying around, I don’t think any guards I get will be better than mercs. That said, I’ll get you their information later so you can do some digging. But I know for sure that their leader can beat me in a fight, if that means anything. Although I stomped him into the ground with Aqua’s help, so he might not realize it.”

“The difference with Aqua in charge is that dramatic? Well, I guess she’s Darya now.”

“This was an unarmed fight during a tournament at Gryphus. If I had my sword, it may have been different. But he had strength and reach over me. The only way to win would be technique, and I haven’t really done much hand to hand training, especially not against something with two legs.”

“That can be fixed,” Kat said from behind me, making me jump. An instant later, her arms were wrapped around me. “You should be good enough to sense me coming and skilled enough to avoid or break a simple hold like this.”

“I’m reasonably confident that I could get away, but you’re comfy enough that I don’t bother,” I replied. “And I’m not really sure what you mean by sensing.”

“...I’m comfy,” Kat whispered, giggling a little. “Comfy!”

“I think she means instinct,” Watcher said. “It’s hard to sneak up on a pony, since our eyes are positioned differently, but I can still tell when something is coming at me in my blind spot. Maybe it’s something to do with the flow of air against my fur, maybe it’s some kind of innate magic that warriors pick up, or maybe it’s just raw animal instinct. But most veterans pick up skills like that.”

“If it’s fur, that one’s out,” I said. “Even if I went nude, my body doesn’t grow much hair anymore. My skin might be sensitive enough to pick up wind, but probably not minor air currents. If it’s animal instinct… Well, I’m part tree, so that one may also be out. Magic is a maybe. I can’t do active magic since I don’t have a soul, but passive magic like flying seems to work anyway since it’s something everyone believes in.”

“Well, I can still train you,” Kat said. “You were getting pretty good at knife fighting before the coma. We’ll need to see if you’ve gotten rusty!”

“That sounds like a problem for future me,” I said. “Although I could probably train some in my dreams. I recently discovered a way to link dreamers together, so I could have both you and the naga with me.”

“I saw your fight against Sombra,” Watcher said. “You could do with a four-legged opponent, too. Celestia would be your best bet, but I’d be willing.”

“Then it’ll be you,” I said. “I never want to fight her again.”

“Sore loser!” Celestia called from the entrance to the anteroom. We all looked over there, but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Is she… using magic to eavesdrop from the kitchen?” Kat whispered.

“Or using one of the elementals to eavesdrop,” I said. “She’s just doing it for attention, so ignore her. So far, I’ve only used the ability to give Cadance total control over her wife’s dreams. It’ll be nice to put it to use for good, instead.”

“Did you just say her wife’s dreams?” Watcher asked.

“Did I? Must have misspoke. I definitely didn’t mean to imply anything about what Shiny secretly enjoys.” Kat snorted and Watcher rolled his eyes. “I also need to talk to Luna and Twilight about the ability. We can probably do some pretty fun stuff with it. Though I think Luna knows something similar.”

“It’s a shame she had to go crazy at that party,” Watcher said, shaking his head. “It’s such a cool concept.”

“How much do the guards know about what happened that night?” I asked.

“Pretty much all the night guards know something bad happened between you and Luna, but as far as I know, none of us know exactly what happened. But given her obsession with you and the legendary confession of hers, I kinda have an idea.”

“I guess there’s not much reason to keep it a secret, but I would prefer if you didn't spread it around. To begin with, I was basically forced into becoming Luna’s boyfriend shortly after becoming her knight. This led to me trying and failing to help her with her estrus. When I failed, I decided to break things off with her to the best of my abilities, since I deemed the risks involved with staying together were greater than the risks involved in trying to separate. Some time later, she and Celestia swapped bodies for a little while. I asked Celestia in Luna’s body to go on a date to make Luna jealous for reasons that made sense at the time. A day later, they swapped back and didn’t tell me. They wanted to trick me into dating Luna herself, but I figured it out and cancelled. And then, the party happened. That night, Luna pretended to be her sister in disguise and followed me around as my date. Eventually, she brought me to a private room and tried to trick me into having sex with her. Flo warned me at the last moment. I escaped the dream, did something to stop Luna from following me, then got Celestia’s help to deal with her. Shortly after, I left Equestria entirely. Luna got imprisoned. The only one who could keep her there was Shining Armor, so Celestia secretly told him to head north to the Crystal Empire and then ordered Luna to escape.”

“Well, that answers several questions,” Watcher said.

“I’m interested in this so-called legendary confession,” Kat said.

“That was traumatizing, so I’d rather not talk about it,” I said. “Like, that was actually worse than going through some of what she confessed about. I can’t deny she has some balls, though. That was definitely a life-ruiner.”

“...Now I’m even more interested,” Kat mumbled, snuggling me closer.

“I hadn’t really thought about it, but I do see how that could be painful for you,” Watcher said. “Luckily, none of the journalists were fast enough to get a picture of you before you left, but I’m told your expression was one of horror.”

“Probably.” I was saved from having to think about it by the arrival of my filly. “Are your friends safely away?”

“Yes, but Lila spent way too long panicking over the giant spider. Her screams got old fast, so I muted her. She still kept freaking out, though. Spider ended up crying and running back to his tree.”

“That girl needs to get her shit together,” I said. “Kat, go bring Spider back in.” I’m honestly surprised she waited for me to give the order, but she left immediately. “What about the red one? Did he panic?”

“No, he likes bugs. He was scolding her as they walked off. I’ll happily tell her to get her shit together for you, mommy.”

“If it wouldn’t be too much of a problem,” I said, nodding.

“Don’t tell your daughter to say things like that,” Watcher immediately replied. “You’re nobles now, remember?”

“Oh, right, sorry,” I said. “Tell her to get her excrement together. That’s fine, right?”

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Watcher said. “I honestly need to hear it, even if it’s a lie.”

“I’m joking.” Was I, though? “Don’t actually say that, Taya. It would be nice if you could get her to apologize, but remember that forced apologies mean nothing. Oh, and maybe next time she’s here, you should tell her this place is haunted.”

“The ghosts haven’t been too big of an issue, but they do get annoying sometimes,” Watcher said. “I still can’t hang any pictures in my room, but I can finally at least put a mirror against the wall.”

“Wait, then why is there a huge picture of me in the front room?” I asked. “Shouldn’t the ghosts knock it down, too?”

“That’s where the noble’s portrait is supposed to go, so of course they wouldn’t mess with it,” Watcher said. “Or at least, that was Zecora’s reasoning.”

Typical. “If they do come here to practice again, maybe you should wear your armor, too. That would probably give you a power boost.”

“I’ll need to try it out first,” Taya said. “You wanna show me how to put it on, mommy?”

“I might be able to figure it out, but we should wait until Luna gets back so she can tell us all the features. The armor they made us is dangerous, in the sense that it greatly increases our strength. If we aren’t sure what all it can do, we might hurt others accidentally.”

“So, they made Taya a set of runic armor?” Watcher asked.

“Sure did. I picked it up today, along with my own set and those three golems.”

“Why did you bring back golems?” he asked.

“Because they looked cool and I wanted them. For now, they’re defending the house. In the future, I’ll have them defend the village. There were a bunch just sitting around on the ship, so I didn’t see any harm in taking some.”

“They’re good for target practice,” Taya said. “Their runes seem to make them immune to certain types of magic.”

“That effect may wear off after enough hits. Be sure to watch for that.”

“Of course, mommy.”

Suddenly, a loud pop rang out through the house, the tell-tale sign of teleportation. It sounded like it was coming from above us, so that was almost definitely the away team. “Sounds like everyone’s home,” I said. “Taya, feel free to borrow Luna whenever she has spare time.”

“Then I’ll go—” She was cut off by Luna suddenly teleporting next to us.

“We have returned, my lady,” Luna said with a bow. “Would you like a detailed report of our activities today?”

“I don’t think the details are necessary, but a report is fine,” I said.

“Understood. My advance team uncovered two more collapsed tunnels. Both were full of high level anomalous activity. We continued through the safer of the two tunnels and found what we believe to be one of your primary targets, the so-called black market. Unfortunately, it’s dangerously haunted. Reclaiming relics will be inadvisable for the moment.”

“Well done,” I said with a smile. “The black market acts as a hub for a good portion of the rest of the bunker. Once we make headway in there, exploring everywhere else will be easier.”

“That’s good to hear, but I fear it will be some time before Zecora can make it that far. There are still plenty of passages left for us to explore, so we’ll still be able to find more relics until then. A good chunk of the bunker is safe, but the areas with spirits tend to have more relics.”

“It’s a shame you blew up the bunker in Antarctica,” I said. “But it would probably be a few lifetimes before it would be safe enough to plunder, so I guess there’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

“I admit that even my magic had trouble penetrating the materials that bunker was made of. I know I riled up the undead, but I honestly don’t know how much damage I did to the structure itself. I couldn’t even find a way inside… It’s possible it’s still intact.”

“So, what, you just told Celestia the job was done when you had no clue?” I asked.

“Well… I was pretty done with her at that point, you know? Sure, dealing with the undead was important I guess, but my heart wasn’t into it. I made a huge mess of the ice, sent Celestia a few pictures, and went back to Tartarus to mope.”

“I never thought I would praise a vassal’s laziness, but here we are,” I said, reaching over to pat Luna on the head. She beamed with pride. “So, you remember how I said, before, that easy sources of power that involve using sapient souls is evil?”

“I do,” Luna said with a nod.

“Well, as it turns out, a large chunk of the spirits in the Russian bunker are evil. Like, the rapist and cannibal kind of evil. I’m not sure if harvesting their souls would be evil or not, so I might take you and Taya along with some soulgems to speedrun that bunker and kidnap all the baddies. With Ava’s input, we can avoid harvesting anyone who isn’t rotten to the core.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun!” Taya said. “Speedrunning the bunker in the coma was great!”

“And with our armor, we’ll both outlevel and outgear the dungeon. It’s basically like going back to a finished map to collect all the missed drops, at this point.”

“Am I supposed to understand any of that?” Luna asked, tilting her head.

“I’m completely lost,” Watcher said. “It was fine until they got to speedrunning, whatever that is.”

“Maybe they’re saying it’ll be easy now?” Luna said, tilting her head the other way. “That seemed to be the overall implication, no?”

“That round goes to Woona,” I said, booping her. She still seemed confused, but smiled anyway. “Dinner should probably be ready sometime soon. Whenever you have some spare time, can you show Taya how to put on her armor and teach her what it does?”

“I would be honored. Now is fine, if Taya is free.”

“Now is perfect!” Taya replied. “I wanna be able to crush a boulder with my hooves!”

“That will be doable,” Luna said. “I believe the armor will give us a fighting chance against the golems, so something like a boulder will be trivial. Is it upstairs?”

“Yep!” Taya’s horn lit up and they both teleported off.

“I guess that means I’m not invited,” I said.

“They have to grow up eventually,” Watcher said. At that point, more of the guards started filtering in from the main room. “Welcome back, everyone. Anything to report?”

“All’s well, sir,” Sentinel replied. “We made progress and located one of our objectives. Assaulting it is impossible, but we’ll be launching small recon teams soon.”

“Is it safe enough for that?” I asked. “The things I ran into down south weren’t so forgiving as to let someone just sneak by.” At that point, four of the guard squads, Zecora, original Gilda, Felix, Silver Quill, and Ames were in the room. I had no idea what Silver Quill was doing at the bunker, but she came back with everyone else. I’m also not sure why Felix thought he was welcome in my house, but it’s not like he would be dumb enough to try anything. Kat and Spider never came back into the sun room, so they probably took one of the side entrances and went upstairs. Aurora was trundling in a cart with enough tea for everyone on it, kindly enough.

“Magic won’t permanently destroy spirits, but it will weaken them long enough to allow us to get away,” Sentinel said. “There are places we’ve written off as no-go zones. It’s possible this area will get the same designation after future exploration. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but there have been some close calls and at least two teams got a little cursed.”

“Wait, cursed?”

“Nothing major. Shining Armor cleared it up in no time. We’re being as careful as we can be, my lady. There’s no need for you to worry over us.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s my duty as the one giving you orders to worry over you. But you’re all professionals, so if you say you’re being careful, then I’ll put my heart at ease.”

“...There’s no need to put on the noble act at home, my lady,” Sentinel said.

“The worry, at least, is real. Anyway, now that just about everyone’s here, I have some small announcements to make. First, I hired two more maids. Their names are Evening Mist and Sunset Breeze. They’re twin sisters and I believe both are single.” Several of the male guards grinned at that news. Sentinel rolled her eyes. “Second, my noble rank is being elevated to countess.”

“You’re skipping baroness?” Sentinel asked. “That’s pretty unusual, isn’t it?”

“Celestia said my rank should have started at baroness and the only reason it didn’t was because she was too paranoid. And beating the Zone of Alienation was enough to increase my rank, or so Celestia claimed. Since my original rank was supposed to be baron, she decided to just make me a countess. When Doppel found out, she decided to celebrate. So that’s what we’re doing tonight.”

One of Gilda’s talons shot up. “Since we helped you gain a noble rank, can we get another bonus?”

“Bonuses are paid out based on the sum of the loot acquired,” I said. “And I’ll be happy to pay out a percentage. I’m essentially no one without my team. Silver, have you done any work on calculating the value of what we looted?”

“I was able to calculate the value of the metals, ores, gems, equipment, and the legal alchemical ingredients. I was not able to calculate the value of the magic items, the ancient human relics, the scientific notes, and… quite a lot of other things, if I’m honest. I haven’t sold any of the items yet. One of the princess's accountants told me they could arrange for a state-sponsored auction of goods from the infamous Zone. The tax rate he offered was incredibly favorable and with the princess herself spreading the word, we’ll make at least triple the appraisal value.”

“Take that deal,” I said. “I’ll allow everyone who was part of the team to take a few items from what we looted. Everything else will be sold and everyone will receive a percentage. Or at least, everything I classify as actual loot. We probably don’t need to sell that scientific data and some of those relics. We’ll want to study the magic items before deciding whether to keep them, sell them, or give them to the Tower.”

“Why would we give anything to those fogeys?” original Gilda asked.

“Good point. We’ll give the useless ones to Jak instead. I’m sure his crafters can have fun with them.” Felix slowly lifted one of his paws. “Welcome to my home, Felix. Yes, you’ll receive a percentage as well.”

“Thank you, but I had another question,” he said. “Princess Gilda has kept to her end of the bargain and released me. I’ve been tentatively hired to help excavate the bunker. I mentioned before that I know the location of other ruins with valuable artifacts. Would you be willing to hire me to explore those as well? I’d be happy with a percentage payout after each ruin, along with being able to keep a few items here and there.”

“Yes. You’ve seen the best talent that I have on offer. Do you need anyone else, or will we be enough?”

“I do have a few colleagues I would like to contact, if possible. Their leader is a powerful dog mercenary. I actually had him on standby in Gryphus to break me out if things went poorly. He probably hasn’t gone far. His group won’t be cheap, but they’re worth the money. His specialists will be able to cover for the numbers we lack.”

“Find them if you can,” I said. “I’ll hire them if the price is right.”

“My lady, didn’t you mention hiring dog mercenaries that you met in Gryphus?” Watcher asked.

“Yeah, but what are the chances it’s the same guy? It was a huge festival. Felix, was your friend’s name Rin Tin Tin?”

He blinked a few times before nodding. “It seems you have quite the talent for recruitment, my lady. How did you meet him?”

“In the ring of an arena. He left it carried on a stretcher. He recently sent an application to work under me. I’ve accepted, but he hasn’t arrived to discuss the details yet.”

“Impressive. He’s the strongest paw to paw and melee fighter I know.”

“I cheated a little, but that’s not important. Start working out a list of the ruins you know, along with their positions on a map. If possible, include what you know about their original inhabitants, the artifacts inside, and what dangers they might possess. Please include any ruins that don’t have artifacts, because it’s possible they have historical or cultural value. I won’t have you guys wasting time on those, of course.”

“That’ll take a little while, but it’s definitely doable.”

“And I have a warning for you.” I took a moment to look around the room to make sure someone wasn’t present. “Watch out for Kat. She might be trying to have a child to pass on the blood servant title to.”

His ears shot straight down and his whole body shivered. “I think I’ll return to the bunker tonight…” Some guards shot him looks of pity. Others had envy in their eyes.

“So, that leaves me with two more announcements,” I said. “The third is that Felix is now part of the team. Everyone, welcome him.” There was some apathetic applause. “And the fourth is that I’ll be founding a village at the Everfree on Celestia’s order. That comes with being a countess, apparently. The university will be part of that town. I’ve already got the first batch of colonists sorted out, but it’ll take some time for the buildings to be ready for them. You guys will probably be helping with some of it. Silver, I’d like you to help train some new accountants from the colonists. You won’t be able to keep track of everything alone.”

“I’m… not sure I’m the best teacher, but I can… try,” she said.

“Well, I’m sure there will be some talented people among those who are coming. You probably won’t have to train them much, if I’m honest. But they won’t know how to do paperwork the pony way, so that’s something they’ll need to be taught.”

“Oh! That makes it much easier. Wait, are the colonists not ponies?”

“Nope. We’ll have naga, kobolds, changelings, monkeys, and mercenaries. Once the town gets large enough, Celestia will allow ponies to move in. The griffins might also send some colonists.” That got some of the guards to mutter, but no one spoke up. “I’ll have you guys help here and there, but your main jobs are to guard me and act as my hands in the world. Although if any of you want a house in the village, it can be arranged. I have a plan to clear out the Everfree and make it safer, but it’ll take time and work. Those who get in on it early will have a higher stake in the town.”

“Can I invest?” original Gilda asked. “As a private investor, not as a griffin noble.”

“Yes. I’m curious, though. Do you have actual plans or do you just want to throw in cash?”

“My domain’s main exports are lumber, fresh game, and copper. The lumber and fresh game come from the vast cursed forest on our land.”

“Wait, you get fresh game from a cursed forest?”

“That’s what we call monster parts. Basically, the Forest of Shadows is a less scary, less profitable version of the Everfree Forest. But all my retainers are experienced hunters and I have a ton of lumberjacks who are used to working in evil forests. I can spare a few to help clear the Everfree if we can keep a percentage of what we take out.”

“I want as many monsters taken alive as possible,” I said. “I have uses for them. I’m planning on forming a monster hunting corps at the university. Your retainers can work with them to help bring monsters in alive. I’ll pay a good bounty for them.”

“Why can’t Jonathan just sweep the forest?” Sentinel asked.

“I don’t want to rely on him for everything. And he can’t be everywhere. I’m confident that we can use a combination of teamwork and poison to bring down the monsters in the Everfree. If there are any that are too dangerous for the hunters, Taya and I can take advantage of our status as tree sisters and take them down with no resistance. And I’m also fine with your lumberjacks going to work in the forest, but I don’t want to clearcut the whole thing. Once sectors have been cleared of monsters and uncursed, I’d like the griffins to go through and prune the forest. The place is magical, but it’s still completely unmanaged. I’m sure the wood will have interesting properties.”

“Forests can be uncursed?” Gilda asked.

“Depends on how it was cursed, but almost definitely. Zecora might be the better one to ask, though. I got lucky in figuring out the Everfree’s problem.”

“I knew the Everfree was cursed by a spirit of nature, but I didn’t realize it was a tree sister,” Zecora said. “I’ve gone with Luna to meet her. After a discussion, we decided that if you want to purify the Everfree, it would be best to plant your cherry blossom trees in strategic locations as you clear out monsters. Once the perimeter of the forest is secured, we can slowly push in. If we just give Poira a seed and release her, the monsters will no longer feel the need to stay in the Everfree.”

“That’s very good to know,” I said. “How many seeds do you think it’ll take?”

“Probably fifteen total. That’s just an initial estimate, however. They can come from either you or Taya.”

“I have a book on tree siblings,” I said. “I’ll have one of the elementals translate it so everyone can read it. We have the recipe that creates a potion that turns you into a tree sibling. If anyone is interested in doing it, I won’t stop you as long as you’ve read that book first and are willing to help conquer the Everfree with me. Just note that a tree sibling can only have kids with other tree siblings.” Being a tree sibling has a lot of benefits, but giving up your species to become something else takes a lot of determination.

“Is that offer good for me, too?” Felix asked.

“I might make that a reward option for you. For now, that option is relegated to people who were already employees. Sorry, but that’s a lot of power to give someone.”

“Understandable, my lady. I thought it might protect me from… unwanted advances.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage. Anyway, that’s all the announcements I have. Dinner should be ready soon. It’ll be fancier than usual, which is the celebration. Does anyone else have any reports for me? If not, I think I’ll head upstairs to relax until dinner.”

Silence filled the room for a few seconds. Watcher ended it by saying, “We’ll send someone to get you when everything’s ready, my lady.”

“Thank you.” With that, I left the sun room. As soon as I was clear, everyone started talking at once. They had a lot to talk about, so I happily left them to it and began the long trek up the stairs. I listened for Kat or the sound of crying, but I wasn’t going to go barge into Kat’s room to check up on them. If she needed help handling it, she would have brought him to the sun room. Instead, I went straight to my room.

It’s been a long day. I really don’t want to deal with celebrating tonight. Think they’d care if I just went to bed?

“Doppel would nag you about it forever,” Flo said. “And it would set a bad example for your new staff. Just participate as little as you can.”

Impossible. Everyone will be begging for my attention. Having Celestia here just cements it. I’m in the calm before the storm. This long day isn’t over yet.

“Don’t worry about Celestia,” Darya said. “She knows you’re tired. She’s doing her best not to annoy you. After all, there’s no way she’d ever be allowed back if she did.”

It doesn’t seem like she needs permission. She squeezed right past all my excuses like they weren’t even there. Telling her no outright would have been awkward, which she took advantage of. But if she did annoy me, I would do my best to make sure she couldn’t return.

“And that’s exactly why she doesn’t want to cross any lines,” Flo said. “She won’t trouble you too much, Nav.”

We’ll see. So when are you two getting back?

“Within fifteen minutes,” Darya replied. “I request permission to be your pillow tonight.”

“That’s my job!” Flo immediately shot back.

“First come, first serve,” Darya coldly said.

I’m with Darya. First come, first served. However, I’m not sure I need or want a waterbed to begin with, so the point is moot.

“There’s nothing on the other side of that huge window but air,” Flo said. “You do have a golem as a guard now, but you really should have someone else. If you aren’t going to sleep with Kat anymore, you should at least have an elemental with you.”

True. In that case, half of you can protect Taya. Anyway, how’s the surveying going?

“Well,” Darya said. “The land leading up to the forest is a plain, so it was already mostly flat. We cleared out all the large rocks, cut all the grass and weeds, and set up basic measurement markers here and there. We’ll expand our efforts tomorrow.”

“We should have everything mapped out tomorrow, and we can begin preparing districts the day after,” Flo said. “The laptop contained a lot of info about city development. Putting that to use will be a lifesaver.”

Good. Cuddle me when you return. I should be here. They both replied in the affirmative. With that, I finally opened the laptop and vegged out. It was great, but it didn’t last nearly as long as I would have liked.

Dinner was alright, I guess. Sure enough, Celestia was just annoying enough that I couldn’t say anything about it. Luna was cattier than usual, but that was to be expected. All things told, it was worth it.

Doppel’s after-dinner party was much better. My long day ended on a pleasurable note.

Chapter Two Hundred and Five

Chapter Two Hundred and Five

When I fell asleep, I entered the world of dreams and started poking around. It was still relatively early, but Fleur was already waiting for me. She was even having a nightmare, so I finally got to do her a solid in one of her dreams.

When I peeled back the black smoke surrounding her dream, I witnessed Fleur standing in a ballroom surrounded by fancifully dressed ponies. Nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening, so I’m not really sure what made it a nightmare. Standing around and waiting wouldn’t help, so I just jumped on in, appearing next to the mare of the hour.

“Hello, Fleur,” I said, booping her. She blinked a few times before looking around. “Yep, it’s a dream.”

“Hm. While I won’t call into question the effectiveness of this method of communication, I will say it’s… jarring. Welcome to a day in my old life, Nav.”

“It looks like a normal Canterlot party,” I said. “But the color of the dream indicated it was a nightmare.”

“Oh, of course. As I said, welcome to a day in my old life. Anyway, how can I help you tonight? Does this perhaps pertain to the mysterious visitor you sent me? Who, by the way, was looking for you?”

“That’s part of it, yes. I wasn’t expecting him to show up at my doorstep, so I passed the hot potato off to you. And while I’m dreading the answer, how did you know he was looking for me?”

“Uh… You talked about it in front of me in Rarity’s boutique? It didn’t take me long to figure out that the griffin who really likes a pony maid and is also really interested in manga was the same one you were complaining to Rarity about.”

Maybe I should start being more discreet? “What did you tell him?”

“I gave him the general run-around, basically saying I would check a few sources and ask some questions but promising nothing concrete. You and I are going to meet tomorrow to see the deer, so I was just going to ask you for more details then.”

“I’ll give you the short version of the story, then.” And so I explained how the griffin Darkplume bought me at an auction because pony maids are his fetish. I also included some details of how I originally parted ways with him. “And so, he stalked me all the way back to Canterlot. Obviously, telling the truth isn’t an option. I punted him your way to buy time, but we need a plan to deal with him.”

“Why not just turn you back into a pony so you can turn him down properly?” Fleur asked.

“Because that sounds super annoying, if I’m being honest. Doppel suggested we just tell him that Rosie was a married noblemare in disguise.”

“You think lying to him is better than just turning him down? Or are you worried he’ll try something drastic?”

“I’m worried he’ll do something. I want to deal with him as little as possible and have him out of Canterlot as quickly as possible.”

One of her eyebrows lifted. “That bad? Really? He looked like a sweetheart, if maybe a bit possessive.”

“He had wanted posters put up for me in Gryphus,” I said.

“That’s because he saw you foalnapped by magic before his very eyes. I was actually wondering something, too. How did you teleport away like that? Was Twilight helping you?”

“Sorta. She has a spell that lets me register a trigger word that’ll teleport me when it’s spoken. When he asked me to marry him, I replied with the trigger word and got teleported back to our inn.”

“Ooh, harsh. But then, so is asking a mare to marry you after sloppily making love to her a single time… Still, though, I really don’t want to lie to this griffin, even after that. If you were his Rosie, that would mean Twilight was playing the part of Lady Ivory?”

“Yep.”

“You should get her to lie for you instead. After all, wasn’t the whole trip her idea? I’m sure getting sold at an auction was, too.”

“I thought lying was something you did as easily as breathing. Why the hangup when doing so would actually be convenient for me? I can probably get Twilight to do it, but the more people we involve in this, the more off the rails it’s going to go. I want that griffin off my tail as quickly as possible. I don’t want him digging into things he doesn’t need to find. If the goal is to tell him that Rosie is a married noblemare in disguise, I don’t see why it would matter who he hears it from.”

“You’re more worried about him than I thought. So be it, then. I’ll lie to him, though I might make up a better story.”

Well, there’s one fewer consequence from that vacation. “Thank you. What time are you planning on coming by tomorrow?”

“I’ve arranged for a deer guide to meet us at a nearby animal sanctuary around ten. I plan to arrive at your home by chariot half an hour before then. We’ll fly out shortly after I arrive.”

“Cool beans. And just so I’m sure, my job will be to guard you, correct?”

“Not solely, but that will be your primary task. I don’t expect anything to happen, but I’m not going to visit an unknown society by myself. I would also like you to help me convince the deer to join us at the competition.”

“I can make no guarantees. I don’t know anything about their society, so I don’t know what might make them interested in competing. If they’re completely isolationist and want nothing to do with other races, I’d probably be inclined to just leave them be.”

“Doesn’t that run counter to all your other efforts so far?” she asked. “You’ve been opening the world up more and more with all your travels!”

“Not on purpose, though. Celestia’s the one who’s been following up behind me and taking advantage of the things I discover. She reached out to Atlantis and the monkeys in South America. And the water elementals dragged the kobolds by the ear.”

“So you’re saying the treaty between the changelings and ponies that you instigated was an accident? And the treaty between the griffins and the changelings that you instigated was also an accident? And the nearly complete eradication of criminals in Europe at your hands was an accident? Let’s see… You also ensured the Crystal Empire could continue to exist as a free nation. You held the first ever open marriage between a changeling and a pony.”

“Fine, I get it. Then I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve heard nothing but bad rumors about the deer. This is from several sources, including Blossom and Celestia. If the deer truly are mostly arrogant assholes, I want nothing to do with them. And if that is the case, I also wouldn’t want more of them in Canterlot. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, because I’ve never met one. That’s why I’m willing to meet them. But I’m going there fully expecting to be disappointed.”

“...Even you would so quickly condemn an entire race?” she quietly asked.

“No, of course not. Every terrible race has at least a few exceptions. One of the only dragons who isn’t an asshole is Spike, for example. And one of the only spiders who isn’t an evil monster is Spider. Even if the race of deer in general is bad, there would probably still be a few that might be worth meeting. That’s why I don’t intend to actively destroy any non-hostile race, even if they’re pricks.”

“So you don’t even believe in spreading the message of friendship across the world?”

“Of course I do,” I said. “I want there to be fewer races of assholes out there and spreading Celestia’s religion of friendship is a good way of doing it. But if a race is going to be racist to the point of complete isolationism, you’re not going to change that with a beauty pageant. The idea for that was mainly a stepping stone to help important figures in the major races start coordinating with each other. Any races that are stuck up to the point where they won’t participate in something like that will have to be broken with different methods. My main goal while I’m there will be to find out what they produce and what they might buy.”

“You intend to spend this important diplomatic visit shopping instead of convincing them to open their hearts?”

“The strings on their coin purses will probably be looser than the bindings around their hearts. As someone who’s planning to build a village near the Everfree very soon, knowing what my neighbors are interested in acquiring is important. The first step in opening up a civilization is trade. All societies have things they need. If we show them that we can provide things they require, that’ll be another step in showing them that opening their hearts to us might be beneficial.”

“...You’re founding a village?”

“It’s a mandate from Princess Celestia. It’s part of my promotion to countess.” Her eyes widened and the sky outside turned straight to gold. “She isn’t officially announcing it until the ship arrives, though. That will be after the pageant, because it’ll be kinda awkward for me to be there as a symbol of peace between races when everyone knows I’ll be leading a war.”

“I would like to visit it when things get going,” she said with a nod. “I’m sure any village made by you will be well worth seeing.”

“You’ll be welcome. Celestia has asked that I focus on the economy. I have several ideas that a village will make possible. All the colonists have been picked, the land is being readied, and Celestia will help with everything I need in terms of construction. Moonbeam will also probably lend a helping hand.”

“Will the university be a part of that? If so, we could announce your village along with the university at the competition. Just knowing that you’re founding a village wouldn’t be enough to let someone know you’re getting a promotion.”

“Yes, the university will be part of the town. I’ll ask Celestia if we can announce it. Most of the residents will be non-ponies, for what it’s worth. Naga, kobolds, monkeys, changelings, and some mercenaries that are a mixmash.”

“Kobolds, monkeys, and naga? None of them are competing, Nav! You need to tell me these things!”

“I just found out today. I knew about the other races, but I left the kobolds on bad terms and I fled from the monkeys because of an awkward misunderstanding. More to the point, both are hard to get to. The kobolds hail from an island in the middle of the ocean to the west. The monkeys are surrounded by a super hostile race of spiders and about as far from any friendly port as the kobolds. Asking to meet the seaponies from Atlantis would be more reasonable.”

“They can’t even compete!”

“Which shows you how difficult it is to try and get to the other two. I wasn’t expecting them to reach out to me like this. Getting you in touch with the naga would be easy, but they aren’t the kind of people that would find interest in a beauty show. They’re also a very male-dominated society, to the point where the chiefs might not even let the women compete.”

“Oooh… Has that affected your relationship with them?”

“I dunno. I haven’t visited since I got genderbent. The naga I have with me said they’re eager to see me again even though they know I’m female, though. And a separate group of naga elected to move to my new town. I have a feeling that I’ll be tested when I return. When I succeed, they’ll say that my spirit as a warrior survived or something. But Kat’s also going with me, so their tunes might change a little after she thrashes as many of them as are willing to face her. Even then, though, their society is clan-based. A change in one small group wouldn’t affect any others. I only know of three clans, and I’ve only met two in person. The third will soon be living in my village.”

“I see. So they are, as you would call them, a minor race.”

“Right. But they’re a minor race I’m friendly with. My naga dagger guarantees me access to any clan cave I find, as long as I go in with peaceful intentions. They at least have that tradition in common, along with a few others.”

“Hm. Are there any other races you’re failing to mention to me?”

“Well, you know about the spiders. Do you have any interest in inviting them?”

“No. Everyone in your crew shares the consensus that Spider is one of the only spiders that isn’t pure evil. The accounts of those who witnessed Arachne were… utterly chilling. I have no intention of poking that sleeping bear.”

“Do you have sheep, cows, pigs, and all the other various vassal races?”

“Sheep, yes. Princess Celestia allowed us to use a teleportation circle to visit the land of the sheep for recruitment. The other races you mentioned don’t have a centralized power base, so I decided not to invite them this year. I thought about inviting more of the lesser herbivores, but I didn’t want to make the first year’s event too large. I also wanted to bring in as many races that Equestrians don’t know about as possible. I don’t know about you, but I find Princess Gilda and Kat to be more beautiful and elegant than most ponies.”

“I’ll agree that they’re beautiful,” I said. “And Kat can be elegant if she wants, but… I’ve never seen Gilda act that way. She always gets flustered so quickly.”

“That’s because you’re ever-so-gifted at riling her up. Are you sure it was wise to cast her aside so quickly?”

“Yes. Nothing good was going to come from continuing to bang her. It might have been a lot of fun, but getting caught would have been utterly disastrous. And since I may have a chance to become male again, marrying her isn’t really on the table.”

“No, but wouldn’t that be perfect for her?” Fleur asked. “She certainly doesn’t want to marry any male griffin, but she’ll probably eventually be forced to. But you can play with her in her dreams in whatever body the two of you pick for the night. Plus, she could be with the one she’s so utterly infatuated with. And keeping her on the table would have lessened the pressure on you from Moonbeam and Celestia. Neither of them consider me or Twilight to be much competition, but Gilda had a real title to her name. Now that you don’t have the excuse of spending time with her while you’re at home, what do you expect the two of them to do?”

“...Ah hah. That explains a few things. I guess that’s why Celestia showed up to cook me dinner tonight.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I can’t believe you didn’t realize this. Well, now that you’ve rebuilt her, Celestia’s clearly a better choice than Moonbeam. I’m sure she’s thinking the same thing, so she assumes she has it in the bag now.”

“Man, you and Watcher said the same thing. He went on a long tirade about how Moonie’s a monster and that the hero of Equestria shouldn’t even be considering marrying her. I mean, what’s up with that?”

Fleur stared at me in silence for several long seconds. For some reason, her eyes seemed really judgmental. “Are you being serious, or are you joking?”

“I’ll be the first one to admit that Moonie is evil. But I mean, so what? She just saw what happens to those who use their evil against me. Unless she really is compromised by Discord, there’s basically no chance of her turning against us. That is, unless she wants to get reset just like her pal Oldlestia.”

“...I suppose a scythe hanging above one’s neck is a decent way of keeping them loyal.”

“And there’s also the carrot of all the benefits that working with us provides. Like prisoners, trade, and maybe the ability to move above ground. Now that Celestia’s been reset, we know she isn’t a threat. Keeping an eye on Moonie is a higher priority. And marrying her would be a decent way of doing it. As long as I can keep reforming her and don’t get swept up by her, she might not be as evil in a century or two.”

“And she’s much better at sex.”

“Undeniably. She’s a smoking hot evil fae queen. If I’m honest, a part of me has wanted a relationship with her ever since I had the chance to really talk to her a few times. I’m not going to say something dumb like it was love at first sight, but her personality and shapeshifting abilities are things I find attractive. And a part of that probably includes her evilness, unfortunately.”

“I… honestly don’t know what to say to that. You would really prefer Moonbeam to Celestia? Really? Even when counting her personality? No, from what you said, especially counting her personality!”

“One thing I like is her sincerity. She is unabashedly a monster. Never once has she tried to hide it. Celestia covered her darkness with rainbows and deceit. Chrysalis reveled in it with honesty and giggles. At least now, Celestia is beginning to wear her emotions more on her sleeve. But even as it is now, there’s something about her attitude that just… makes me feel uneasy. Moonbeam has made me feel uneasy at times, but she always backs away before crossing too far over any lines. It’s possible I’ll come to prefer the new Celestia, but she’s fighting an uphill battle.”

“And so am I, it seems,” Fleur said. “Especially given that I started as an enemy.”

“So did Moonie. The first time I met her, she attacked me. The second time I met her, I helped Celestia kick her ass. I punched her in the face the third or fourth time. I was definitely wary of her in the beginning, but she’s proven herself to be a valuable friend. At least I didn’t have to physically attack you.”

“You threatened to slit my throat and leave my body to rot in a ditch.”

“And I didn’t do it, did I? Anyway, we shouldn’t really spend all night talking. We have a long day tomorrow and I have more people I need to contact.”

“Hmph. Will you leave a souvenir behind?”

“I certainly can. What kind of stallion would you like tonight?”

“I would like a copy of you. Preferably the male version, the one with bat wings, fangs, and faintly glowing green eyes.”

“I wasn’t aware my eyes glowed.”

“They definitely catch the light. It’s just like the eyes of the batponies!”

“Ah, that.” The me of her dreams appeared in a snap. I also used dream magic to insert a certain toy into a certain place on Fleur. Its remote was firmly in the hands of the other me. “I’ll be doing one more thing before I leave. I’ll make sure you don’t realize it’s a dream. That way, you’ll think you’re being mercilessly teased at a super big party. I made this version of me extra fun, so you’re in for a wild night.”

“W-wait a moment,” Fleur said, her eyes going wide.

“No tears now, only dreams,” I replied, booping her. Her wide eyes hazed over and I stepped out of the dream. When I turned back to look at it, the thing had already turned bright red.

“What did you do to poor Fleur?” Twilight asked from next to me, peeling back the smoke to peer inside.

“She asked me to leave a souvenir behind, so I went the extra mile,” I replied. “How was the rest of your day?”

“Acceptable. I finished the rough draft of the last book about our time at Gryphus. It includes a section about a hotsprings escapade between the maid and a griffin noble, of course.”

“Right, of course. So, I have something fun to show you.”

“Oh? Did you discover another dream technique?”

“Yep. Let’s see if Rarity is asleep.” Sure enough, she was. We both zoomed over her way. “And is Fluttershy also asleep?” I thought about her and found myself looking at another dream close by. Both were golden, so we didn’t need to worry about interfering. “Alright, watch.” With that, I summoned an AI and had it connect the two dreams. “Now their dreams are combined for the night. We can also set their dreams to combine every night.”

“That’s amazing!” Twilight said. “It’s like the dream world Luna built, isn’t it?”

“Sort of, but not quite. Luna built a dream space that was able to maintain itself without any dreamers. She was also able to directly send people in a certain radius to the same place. This method just combines the dreams of two or more people who are already asleep.”

“We’ll need to ask Luna how she created that space,” Twilight said with a nod. “But still, this technique will be useful. I can have a dream-like sleepover with all my friends at once!”

“I was planning to use it for training. The idea was to bring in Kat, Watcher, the naga, and maybe Taya, and train together. Cadance also thought of another use for it. She’s sharing dreams with Shiny, now.”

“Oh, I might need to pay them a visit to see how they’re enjoying it,” she replied with a smile. “This really is interesting. I wonder if it could be used for other kinds of training.”

“Probably, but it would take someone attuned to the artifact to keep the dream focused. You could probably gather a few pupils together and teach them about magic, or any other subject. Oh, you could teach a bunch of noblemares the joy of orgies while advertising your books!”

“That would probably be morally wrong, but it is an interesting idea. I think playing around with this power will be fun. I trust you won’t abuse it too much?”

“Your trust might be misplaced. But don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s not like there’s anyone to report us to. And as long as we’re careful, there won’t be any evidence. Besides, I mostly only plan to use it to reward people.”

“...I see. Well, it’s not like I can monitor you at all times. But if I catch you misbehaving, you know it’ll mean punishment.”

“Is that supposed to be a threat? I seem to recall being taught that punishments can be fun.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Anyway, we can also use this for secret meetings. After all, there are only three people capable of using this artifact and all of us are friends. No one will be able to eavesdrop on us.”

“True. We can also use it for combat purposes. If we can find an enemy army that’s sleeping, we can group their dreams together and lock them all down at once. Assuming demons dream, it’ll make invading even easier.”

“That’s insidious,” she said with a wide grin. “I like it. We could use it to take out entire enemy strongholds. As if magic artillery and terrifying golems weren’t enough.”

“There are many ways in this world to deal with an enemy. Why limit yourself to just one? A part of me considered using elementals to stage a sneak attack. They could turn an entire enemy force into hosts before any of them realized anything was happening. If the enemy troops were just going to be slaughtered by artillery anyway, is it morally wrong to use elementals to take them prisoner instead?”

“We might need to host some kind of convention to discuss things like that. Because I mean, it is kind of a good point. If we’re just going to slaughter an enemy column and we have the ability to take them hostage using deplorable methods instead, would it be better to take them hostage or blow them up? And obviously if we told anyone else about our ability to lock people in sleep, we might have them trying to put limits on us. But we’d have to tell them if we wanted to use it in combat, wouldn’t we?”

“Celestia already knows. If anyone asks, we can just tell them that Luna’s using dream magic.”

“What kind of dream magic?” Luna suddenly asked from behind us. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one who jumped. “Greetings, my lady. That dream over there looks very interesting. What did you do to it?”

“You have the ability to pop up anywhere around us you want, so why did you choose to come up behind us?” I asked. “And how long were you even there?”

“I just got here. And approaching others from behind is a habit. There was once a time when many would quickly find other things that needed attending to should they see me approaching directly. Obviously nobody wants to appear idle around a princess, so they made a clear effort to stay out of my sight. But when I approached them from behind, I could finally talk to them! Though they always seemed nervous, for some reason… I suppose talking to a princess is intimidating.”

“Yeah, I was definitely shocked the first time,” I said.

“Right, that’s why I approached you from behind. So what did you do to that dream, my lady? Or should I say… those dreams?”

“I found a new technique to combine dreams.” The AI already vanished, so I summoned another one and used it to split the dreams apart. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“Indeed. This would make dream interrogation much faster.”

“Dream interrogation?” Twilight asked. “That sounds… intense.”

“It can’t be, unfortunately,” Luna sighed. “Even using magic to put someone to sleep means little in the face of the true nightmares I can bring my victims. Instead, I have to be subtle. Generally, I know what crimes the person was committing. I just build a dream based on that information and let the criminal fill in the details for me. To them, they’re just acting out a vision of what happened in their dreams. They’ll create companions identical to the ones they had, making it easier to find them. They’ll also use real names and sometimes spill other vital information. It’s also quite useful for getting blackmail material. If you know someone’s having an affair, just give them red dreams for a few nights with a generic avatar and they’ll fill in the details of their lover. Once you know both faces, finding proof becomes much easier.”

“All of that is very good information to have, I guess,” Twilight said. “But now I feel dirty.”

“Would it be easier to get information out of someone if they’re completely and totally incapable of waking up?” I asked.

“Obviously,” Luna immediately replied. “I could make them feel anything I wanted for as long as I wanted. Breaking anyone would be a snap.”

“Luna, go bust nightmares for a few minutes. I’d like to talk to Twilight about something.”

“Yes, my lady.” With that, Luna vanished.

“So, should we tell Luna about the ability to lock dreams down?” I asked.

“If we use it for military purposes, she’ll figure it out instantly. She may not understand how we’re doing it, but she’ll know that it’s being done. After all, she was able to instantly tell that something was different with those dreams. That said, I don’t like the idea of her using it to torture people…”

“I feel like I could give her an order not to torture people without permission. Blaze would probably make sure she’d obey. Besides, the old method also seemed pretty reliable. Oh, and did I ever tell you the story of Pointy Hat, the pony guard I may or may not have accidentally brainwashed into becoming a butt slut?”

“...No, you didn’t. I’m not sure I want to hear it, either.”

“One of the day guards was bullying me, so I got revenge in his dreams. Basically, I summoned a few buff diamond dog miners and made the guard enjoy submitting as prey. The next thing I know, he’s thanking me, saying I truly opened his eyes. Then he went to the festival at Gryphus. We bumped into him at the race and the auction, but we didn’t talk much. The point is, did I really unlock a desire that he had hidden away, or did I accidentally brainwash him by making him enjoy it in his dreams?”

“I don’t know how to answer that question, but I will tell you not to do it again. I… might have to meet that guard later. Purely for research purposes, of course.”

“Research for your naughty books or for something else?”

“Um…” She looked away and muttered, “The naughty books…”

“Don’t you have enough material around you?”

“I’m prey dominating a predator. So is Smiles. There really aren’t any other domination relationships around, although what Smiles did with Aurora is super hot. Learning about prey who wants to submit to predators is good, too! Especially… Especially the idea of a hot royal guard getting captured and… and used by his captors… Used until he slowly starts to enjoy it and begs for more…”

“You have problems,” I replied, booping her. Although I really shouldn’t talk. “So, do we tell Luna or not?”

“I don’t think we have a choice. We’ll just have to hope she continues obeying your orders. Of course, we also don’t have to tell her how it’s done, but if we don’t, she’ll know it’s because we don’t trust her.”

“Then we’ll tell her, with the caveat that she can only use it with my permission.”

“Tell me what?” Luna asked from behind us.

“Stop sneaking up from behind me,” I replied. “I give you permission to sneak up behind Twilight, but stop doing it to me!”

“Hold on, now,” Twilight said. “Why are you leaving me out?!”

“I can’t ask Luna to change all at once. That would be too much for her. Anyway, Luna, I’m going to tell you how to achieve your goal. Both of you, take my hands.” I held them out. Twilight took one with a hoof. Luna placed her cheek against the other. That was good enough, so I teleported us over to Bahamut’s dream. “Behold.”

“It’s massive!” Twilight said, gaping up at it. She pulled away from my hand and poked at the white smoke.

“Truly, it’s impressive,” Luna agreed. She hadn’t pulled away from my hand, for some reason. “But it looks strange, does it not? Darker, perhaps?”

“Try to look inside,” I said. She pulled away from my hand with a brief look of regret, but then turned her eyes upon the massive dream.

“This is Bahamut. I thought Pyrite killed him.”

“Pyrite knocked him unconscious,” I said. “I used a dream ability to keep him that way indefinitely. He will only awaken if I remove the restriction.”

“That’s amazing!” Luna shouted. “I can torture him all I want, now!”

“You’re welcome to try,” I said. With that, she tried pushing her way through. Nothing happened. “As you can see, the dream is locked down. When creating the lockdown, it’s possible to allow certain users through. When I made his, I set it so nobody could get through.”

“Hm… This could be used for a lot more than torture. It would allow taking out an enemy’s army with ease. Even if they knew about the ability, they would still eventually have to sleep.”

“Exactly,” I said. “And that’s why you aren’t to use this ability without my permission.”

“Understood. So you will show me how?”

“Yes. Let’s go secure a volunteer.”

“Any thoughts who?” Twilight asked.

“An obvious one comes to mind, yes,” I said. I pulled them both closer and teleported us over to Rainbow Dash’s golden dream. “I can throw in a changeling queen, a vampire, and Spitfire. Things will get steamy enough that she should wake up. But the lockdown will mean she can’t. Isn’t that a perfect test?”

“I see no issue,” Luna replied.

“I see a lot of them, actually,” Twilight said. “First of all, we’re just showing how this works. There’s no need to actually prove that it does work. We don’t have to inform Rainbow Dash it’s happening. She won’t even notice.” And just like that, Miss No Fun Allowed summoned an AI and locked Dash’s dream down. “See there? It’s still gold, even if it’s a little more dull.”

“I was just trying to do Dash a favor. Anyway, as you can see, it’s simple. I was thinking we could group all of the enemy dreams together and lock them all down at once.”

“Let’s try it,” Twilight said. She unlocked Dash’s dream, then combined it with Pinkie’s white dream. The combined dream immediately lit up bright red. After a moment of hesitation, Twilight told the AI to lock it down. Just like that, Rainbow Dash was trapped alone in a dream with Pinkie Pie. “I guess it works.”

“I can’t believe you would cast your friend straight into the depths of hell like that,” I said. “Especially after getting mad that I was just going to give her a few playthings!”

“I’ll admit that I wasn’t expecting the dream to turn red immediately, but I still wanted to complete the test,” Twilight said. “And now we can clearly see that it’s working. They are locked together for as long as I’d like to keep them that way.”

“And how long would you like them to stay that way?” I slowly asked.

“...I’m thinking,” she said, looking the dream over. After a few seconds, she walked up close and peeled the smoke back. I tried peeking over her shoulder, but it all just looked like smoke to me. “I’m thinking I’ll unlock them tomorrow morning,” she finally said, releasing the smoke. “After all… Well, we confirmed that one pony wouldn’t wake up if their dream was locked down… But we don’t know if the same will apply if two ponies are locked up together…” She peeled the smoke back for another peek and giggled. “I might get another book outta this!”

Be careful there Twilight, your true intentions are showing. “Well, you’re the one who locked it down,” I said with a shrug. “Nothing I can do, I guess. I’m sorry, Dash. You’re in the belly of the beast, tonight.”

“I would like permission to use the ability to group dreams together,” Luna said.

“What for?” I asked.

“To host a tea party,” she nervously replied, looking down.

“Who do you intend to invite?” I asked.

“Celestia, Princess Gilda, and Cadance,” Luna said, still not meeting my gaze.

“Oh, I was planning on talking to Celestia about it and possibly using it for important meetings,” I said. “But you’re welcome to discuss it with her as well. Just make sure to get everyone’s permission before you start combining dreams.

“As you command, my lady.”

“I have a question, too,” Twilight said. “Luna, how did you create a dreamspace like the one you used for the Rave?”

“Ah, that! I used the words of power that were passed down from the alicorns of old. Most of the information on the dream machine was lost, but the language of the ancients possesses a power that makes even this human relic move.”

“Well, let’s hear it,” I said. She was starting to get my hopes up, to be honest. It sounded like pretty powerful magic if it was able to interface with a piece of technology. Although it’s also possible that the machine was more magical than technological. With luck, her words of power would point us to an answer.

Luna cleared her throat and stared menacingly off into the distance. “Help!” she called out. Twilight and I blinked. After a few seconds, the dream world around us flickered. “Access. Input. ARS. Command. Code.” There was a clear pause after each word that made it seem like she was saying something mysterious or otherworldly, but… I could understand her clear as day. “3141592. Dash. 0112358.” Everything around us flashed before a small console appeared in front of Luna with rapidly scrolling text. “Create. Dreamspace. Capacity. 512. Log. Off. Confirmed.” The console disappeared and a pale white, partially see-through dream appeared in front of us. “Impressive, right?”

“Indeed,” Twilight said. “Just as impressive as the first time I heard Nav speaking English.”

“So that was English,” I said. “I understood everything you were saying.”

“I didn’t understand it, but I recognized the language,” Twilight said. “Although it shouldn’t matter. I’m able to talk to the dream AI without changing my language.”

“Of course it matters,” Luna said. “That language doesn’t directly correspond to ours. Since it doesn’t translate perfectly, the codes don’t work when translated. Though it is very interesting to find that the language of the ancients is Navarone’s language. So you truly understood what I was saying?”

“Yeah, it looks like you’re accessing a special admin prompt. I bet you can do a whole lot with it aside from just creating a dreamspace. Do you still have the documents with all the known commands?”

“Yes, but there aren’t many more. This device was still being studied by the alicorns of old. Even the information they had was limited. I don’t even know how they came by it.”

“I don’t know what ARS stands for, but one of the numbers you listed was pi. You both know that one. The other was the Fibonacci Sequence, which describes the shape of a spiral that’s commonly found in nature. A little on the nose, but I guess that’s what happens when you let scientists at the end of the world pick all the passwords. Let me try saying that in English.” With that, I repeated all of Luna’s commands, up until the console appeared. Once it was there, I started reading the text. “It’s a log file.”

There were several tabs to choose from. At the moment, I was in the “General” tab, which seemed to list several things. Every time we summoned an AI, it showed who summoned it, what commands they gave it, and how long the AI was active. It showed when dreams were locked down or combined, who gave the order, and how long the change lasted. And as I used my fingers to scroll up in the timeline, I couldn’t help but smile.

“Translation magic doesn’t work here, so I couldn’t read this text at all,” Luna said. “I copied some of it verbatim when I awoke and then cast a translation spell, but it was mostly unreadable.”

“I can read it,” I replied. “There’s definitely some technical jargon in here, but I actually sorta trained for this. My knowledge was a little behind the times, so Darya and Flo are filling in the blanks. This lists things like the commands used, who used them, and when. I can’t see all the logs from here, but I can see enough to learn a few more orders. There are definitely several bogus attempts from people who came after humanity and were just trying to figure things out, but most of the successful attempts are real commands that seem to be from before Luna was born.”

“So we hit paydirt, right?” Twilight asked.

“Sure did,” I said, patting Luna on the head. “Thank you for sharing the ancient words of power with us.”

“...Now it feels embarrassing that I was so proud of it,” she muttered, looking down. “I even had to teach myself the pronunciation…”

“I could understand it perfectly, so you did a really good job,” I said, finally starting to scritch one of her ears. “The words were a little halting, but even that much on your own is impressive.” And that gave her a small grin, so I pulled my hand back. “I’m going to try a command. It’s supposed to place an admin console on all the dreams that allows us to view information about the dream and the dreamer. Let me know if I accidentally say it in the wrong language.” I cleared my throat for dramatic effect, then stared at the console and read the code off. “Enable dream window.” With that, all of the dreams around us flashed and a small console appeared on each of them, facing straight toward me. “It worked.”

“I don’t see anything,” Twilight said.

“Me either,” Luna said, stepping closer to one of the dreams. “Perhaps this command only works on the one who says it?”

“I guess so,” I said, following her over to Lyra’s white dream. “I see a console right here with some information. It calls her a sub-equine mark three and notes that this race spends a larger than average amount of time in REM sleep. The dream type is calm, which I guess corresponds to its color. Her ‘S Type’ is C and stable, whatever that means. It also calls her a partially magical entity, which likely refers to the part of her that’s fae. There’s a tab here that lists when she logged in and when she logged out, which I guess shows every time she went to sleep since the machine was first turned on. Oh, and there’s a few commands that I can run from here. One says terminate session, which hopefully just wakes the person up. One is lock down. One is combine. There aren’t any parameters, so it probably asks for more info once you click it.”

“Click it with what?” Luna asked.

“I guess this is a touchscreen, so I’d just push it instead. I can also change the dream type, so we can probably fix a nightmare without even having to step inside. And the last one is super ominous. It just says ‘Terminate Dreamer’.”

“Does that… do what it sounds like?” Twilight slowly asked.

“I dunno,” I replied.

“Shall we try it on Bahamut?” Luna asked.

“No, he’s my check against Pyrite,” I replied. “I can release him at any time. If I do, the first thing he’ll probably do is go gunning for the big gold dragon himself.”

“Unlikely,” Luna replied. “Bahamut will choose to run, if possible. At this point, he’s been sleeping for months. He’ll be weak, confused, and lacking information. Bahamut is no match for a sane Pyrite unless a sneak attack is involved, and no dragon would bow to a leader who won via an ambush. And once Bahamut learns that Pyrite is firmly in control of the dragons, he’ll realize that revenge against them is impossible. Instead, he will turn to gain revenge upon Celestia. After all, it would be nothing for him to torch a few cities. If we aren’t going to use Bahamut for obtaining information, we might as well just kill him.”

“Think Pyrite would hand the sleeping Bahamut over if we asked? If so, we could kill him and break his body down for parts.”

“That’s really not something a hero should be saying,” Twilight muttered with a sigh.

“The answer is no, regardless,” Luna said. “Pyrite would not give up a prisoner with his value, even if he might never awaken. Especially if he found out that you just wanted to cut Bahamut up for parts. That’s something no dragon would allow.”

“Then I’ll leave him alive as a warning to Pyrite. If I can put Bahamut to sleep forever, I can do the same to him.”

“The fact that Pyrite knows you have this ability means he views you as a target,” Luna said. “Being Pyrite’s target is not a good position to be in.”

“My big brother probably won’t try to kill me,” I said. “You know, maybe. Or at least, hopefully. Anyway, I consider Bahamut a captive. I don’t think killing him is the best option. I’m sure he’ll eventually starve to death, anyway.”

“How long would it take for a dragon that big to starve?” Twilight asked. “Don’t they sometimes hibernate for dozens of years?”

“They can, if they lose motivation or if they’re recluses,” Luna said. “Bahamut could probably last at least three hundred years. You could at least give him nightmares, my lady. Didn’t he torture you?”

“No, that was Pyrite. Bahamut did threaten to turn me into a breeding sow, though. Torturing people for no reason is too much work. I usually only do it to be petty or for cheap laughs. Anyway, now that all three of us know how to group dreams together and lock them down, I feel like we should discuss how to use that information, or if we even should use it. I imagine we could take down entire garrisons, but if everyone on our side knows that we have a power like that, they might be wary.”

“Are you saying they won’t be wary of the indestructible magic golems, the terrifying magic artillery, armies of giant ants being led by a supercomputer, and fleets of airships with radios?” Twilight asked. “Nav, assuming the war on Tartarus goes well, everyone involved in the fight is going to be wary of us. Especially you, the brain behind most of these things. Being able to control people via their dreams is just another card in your deck, as you put it.”

“And as for me, I have many other ways of incapacitating large groups of victims,” Luna said. “Everyone is already wary of me, so giving them one more thing to fear will be no issue. In fact, if you’d like, I can be the only one to ever use the ability. That way, we can explain it’s a skill I alone possess.”

“If we’re going to go that route, shouldn’t we let Twilight do it?” I asked. “That way, she’d finally be everyone’s target, too.”

“Is that supposed to be a good thing?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.

“Of course,” I said. “The more people become targets, the less likely they are to hit me or Luna. It benefits everyone!”

“It doesn’t benefit me!” Twilight shouted.

“It’s time to teach you the trials and tribulations of true democracies,” I said. “There are three people here. Democratically speaking, we should do what benefits the most people.”

“Yeah, but Equestria is a direct theocracy,” Twilight said. “Going by conventional logic, we might as well just let their Satan take the fall for this one, too.” She cast her judgmental eyes toward Luna.

Equestria’s Satan chuckled. “Democratically speaking, two of us are voting to allow me to take sole responsibility. I believe you said that people vote against their own interests all the time, do they not? Consider this another such case. I do not mind being the biggest target of us all.”

“...Well, we have time before we ever need to do something like that,” I said. “Again I ask, though… should we use this power? If we wanted to take a garrison bloodlessly, we could send in elementals or Jonathan.”

“That probably wouldn’t work against anyone who Nestorats has as a host,” Twilight said. “Elementals can keep hosts awake for a while, but not forever. A sleep attack would work against them. In fact, depending on how the map looks, we might be able to rapidly expand and wipe out large groups of enemies who are confused that half their companies are asleep. It’s possible to sweep through and do it with a lot less bloodshed that way.”

“Just as much bloodshed, just not on our side,” Luna said. “There is no point in capturing demons or their subordinates. Well, unless an elemental actually could completely control them. Otherwise, they’re uncontrollable. I doubt love poison would do anything. It would be safer to put them down instantly and salvage their parts, take the sleeping ones for use as research subjects or for soul gems, or unleash them on uncooperative nations and charge concessions for cleaning them up. I see no reason not to use this ability in war. It’ll make things much easier for us. Showing this card would be better than showing off what our artillery and golems are capable of, too.”

“Then I guess the next step will be to find out if demons can dream.”

“We’ll need to move the machine closer to Tartarus,” Luna said. “Its influence is too small to reach. If you’d like, we could enter Celestia’s dream to discuss this with her as well. She knows about this ability, does she not?”

“She does,” I said. “I used it on Oldlestia. I didn’t want to show it off, but I didn’t have many options at the time. That said, I’m not sure I want to visit Celestia’s dreams. I haven’t had many good experiences in them.”

“Perhaps Cutelestia will surprise you,” Twilight said with a smirk. “I’m sure she won’t flatten you this time, though she might force you to spar.”

“If she does, I’ll sic my pet Satan on her,” I said, booping Luna. “Though I still don’t want to visit her, regardless. I just know she’ll turn it into a thing, and probably ask to be added to the dream relic herself. Then she’ll be able to bother me even in my sleep.”

“Are you afraid of her, even now?” Luna asked.

“She’s trying to get a ring on my finger and I have a feeling she’s pretty serious about it.”

“Then I guess it’s time to start working on ways to keep her busy,” Twilight said, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Although… you could marry her, then I could become your mistress.”

“After all that whining you did when I was a changeling pretending to be Celestia?” I asked.

“W-well… That’s when I realized… Dominating my teacher, the sun princess herself, was… super hot! Getting to play with both of you would be great!”

“You were trying to get me married to Princess Gilda with the offer of being my secret mistress. Why do you want to be a mistress so badly?”

“My position as a minor noble offers nothing for you. Marrying you myself would be nice, but elevating you to royalty would probably be best for the nation. And if I still got to be with you regardless, it wouldn’t matter as much. I’m sure we could talk Celestia into it.”

“What are your thoughts on the matter, Luna?” I asked. She seemed slightly troubled.

“I would prefer if you didn’t marry Celestia,” Luna stiffly replied.

“For what reasons?” I asked. “And would you prefer seeing me wed someone else instead?”

“I don’t want you to marry her because I know you don’t want to marry her.”

“I doubt that’s your only reason,” I said. “There’s no reason to be reserved. You can speak your mind.”

The three of us went silent for a while. Twilight looked like she had something she wanted to say, but decided to keep it to herself. Finally, Luna sighed and hung her head. “I… I don’t want you to marry her. Seeing her obtain what I know I never can would hurt.”

“Wouldn’t that be the same for Nav marrying anyone?” Twilight finally asked. “It’s a little late for jealousy, I think. You should have been ready for this before becoming Nav’s vassal, Luna. You knew you’d be with her for quite some time, possibly long enough for her to be wed.”

“Anyone would be preferable to that mare. Losing to her in obtaining the heart of one of the only people I’ve ever wanted would hurt. I know there is no hope for me, but I’d at least be content if it meant Celestia didn’t win, either.”

“Thank you for being honest,” I said. It’s just a shame the honest answer is exactly what I was expecting. “So, knowing that Celestia might turn this into a thing, do you two still want to visit her tonight?”

“Maybe not,” Twilight said. “With what we learned tonight, we’ll have several more commands to experiment with. We should consult with Celestia once we know more of what we’re capable of.”

“There are more nightmares than usual recently anyway,” Luna said. “Busting them will give me plenty to pass the time.”

“How many more?” I asked. “We had Flo adjust the machine a few months ago. It’s possible it needs another adjustment.”

“It could also be running out of power,” Twilight said. “I mean, you did widely increase the number of races it’s looking at. The thing is already astronomically old. Increasing its burden like that might have damaged it.”

“No, these are normal nightmares,” Luna said. “The griffin kingdom is on the verge of civil war, it seems. The citizens are anxious. I’ve been planting prophecies in their minds to ease their fears.”

“I’m not sure I want to ask, but go ahead and explain what you mean,” I said.

“For those who were dreaming that the war had already started, I showed you jumping in to clean the whole thing up. That cured the nightmare. When it actually happens, they’ll remember the dreams and feel even more relieved.”

“Ah, of course. I don’t have any more messages to deliver, so I plan to combine some dreams and spend part of the night training. Some of those commands I got were interesting, but I think I’ll want to slow down with testing them after seeing the ‘Terminate Dreamer’ option.”

“Can you write them down when you wake up?” Twilight asked. “We can discuss what they probably do later.”

“Flo has already done so,” I replied. “She makes for a pretty good xerox.” Flo slapped the back of my head, making me visibly flinch. “Er, secretary. She’s an excellent secretary.” That left me unslapped, thankfully.

“What are your plans for tomorrow?” Twilight asked.

“I’m visiting the deer with Fleur in the morning,” I said. “Hopefully it won’t take long, but I’m expecting it to turn into an all day affair. She’s trying to get them to the beauty pageant and wants me to go to help convince them.”

“I’ve heard a lot about the deer, so I’ll pass on joining you,” Twilight said. Luna just scoffed. “Besides, I have a horn to reattach. I wasn’t expecting you to just give that mare from the tower a horn.”

“I remembered that we had a few lying around and figured that would be a good use for one. Did she find you and ask already?”

“Yep. We spent the rest of the day drawing up the magic circle necessary. We’ll start the ritual tomorrow morning.”

“Cool. Are you heading to get real sleep, going to bust nightmares, or do you want to join me in training?” I asked.

“I am going to experiment with a few of the dream skills we do know about,” she said. “I might pop in to join you in a bit, though.”

“Don’t forget to release Dash in the morning,” I said.

“Oh, don’t worry,” she said with a small smile. “I’ve been keeping them on my mind.”

That was a little worrying, but it was beyond my control. I bid them both farewell and started visiting some dreams. I began with Kat, then moved to Watcher, then the naga, and finally my filly. Once everyone was informed, I combined them all and let myself inside.

Of course, Kat and Taya instantly teleported to my side. Taya claimed a leg and Kat buried her face into my chest. Since we were going to be training, I was wearing my real body. With Hera’s unwanted buffs, that would normally put Kat at risk of suffocation, but that didn’t matter in a dream.

“Hello, everyone,” I said. “I figured you weren’t bored enough of me yet, so I decided to bother you in your dreams for a bit.”

“You can bother me all you want, mommy,” Taya happily said. With that, she morphed into her human form and hugged me from the side. “Dreams are so fun!”

“You should visit my dreams every night too, my lady,” Kat said, pulling back just enough so I could understand her. “We can play together!”

“I never expected to experience something so surreal,” the naga said, looking around us. At the moment, I made it so we were in a blank meadow, with grass that stretched as far as the eye could see. “The first night I experienced dreams was breathtaking. I awoke with tears in my eyes.”

“Ponies had legends of dreams, but I never thought I’d experience one,” Watcher said. “And I also never thought I’d have someone barging into them every now and then. Especially someone who just spanks my partner.”

“Sentinel is a fine soldier, but she’s also a fine mare,” I said. “There’s nothing wrong with having some fun in a dream, right?”

“Only if she never finds out about it. Anyway, we’re here to train?”

“We sure are,” I said. “I can’t be here all night since this doesn’t count as real sleep for me, but I can give it a few hours. In here, we won’t get tired. You can feel pain, but it won’t last long. And if you die, you’ll just wake up. I figured we could try to practice here, at least.”

“I guess I do need practice walking in heels,” Taya said, pulling away from me. With that, she dolled herself up. Part of that included heels, for whatever reason.

“Combat practice,” I said, using my dream powers to force her back into a pony’s body. “Watcher can teach you how unicorns fight in hoof to hoof combat. Kat and the naga can toy with my body as they please. Although it seems like Kat already has a head start.” She was still hugging me, pressing her head against my chest. Her eyes were staring up at me in adoration.

“So what manner of weapons will we be using?” the naga asked.

“None, preferably. I’d also like to learn more about hand to hand fighting. I can’t have a sword with me everywhere, but it’ll be a pain for someone to remove my arms and legs. Besides, I can definitely put what I learn to use while fighting with weapons.”

“Good,” Kat said. With that, she used the arms she had around me to flip me around and sling me to the ground. Almost before I could realize it, she was sitting on top of me. “Now do you see why you should be able to break that hold?”

“I see nothing wrong with the situation I’m in right now,” I said, looking up at her with a smile.

Unfortunately, my smile didn’t last long. I did, at least, learn how to break that hold. Having Darya and Flo help by guiding my body was nice, too.

When I woke up the next day, I felt like I should have been sore. Thankfully, despite everything Kat put my body through in our dreams, it had no effect on my real body. That was, of course, my true purpose for trying to learn this particular form of combat while dreaming. If I let Kat do all of that to me while I was awake, I’d probably feel it for days.

That said, the position I woke up in was definitely pretty strange. Why exactly was I suspended above my bed in water that was hanging off the ceiling? That one clearly stumped me. It was shockingly comfy, so it didn’t bother me much, but it was still a little surprising.

“Good morning,” Darya said from all around me. “I kept you secure and comfy through the night, my lady.”

“...Thanks,” I said. “Can you set me back down?”

“At once.” She carefully and gently set me down on the bed.

“So, what’s the purpose of the bed, again?”

“Sleepovers and sex,” Darya immediately replied. “Cradling you to sleep feels much more natural.”

“Ah.”

“Flo was quite jealous, of course. But like a proper secretary, she didn’t complain.”

“How generous of her,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Doppel has been informed that you are awake, my lady. She should be arriving soon to help you prepare for the day.”

A part of me wanted to respond to that with a yawn, but as the first day of spring, I was no longer tired at all. Darya started opening the blinds to let the sun in as I went to brush my teeth. As the sun filled the room, I could see the flowers in my hair growing in the mirror. Soon enough, my head was partially covered in pink flower blossoms. It was far too pretty for comfort and actually seeing it in the mirror made me realize once more how fey I had become.

I got out of the bathroom right as Doppel was letting herself in. She started to greet me, but froze when she saw my hair. “Good morning,” I said with a smile and a wave.

“M-my lady, you look so… so radiant! You’re absolutely gorgeous!”

“I mean, isn’t that normal?” I asked, tilting my head.

“Not like this, no…” Doppel suddenly darted forward to get a closer look at my hair. “The others talked about it, but I never expected them to be so vibrant! They’re positively brimming with emotion! Can I take a taste, my lady?”

“Sure.” I wasn’t positive what she meant by brimming with emotion, but she flew up behind me and started sniffing at the back of my head and giggling.

“She looks sort of like a bee,” Darya said in my head.

“You’re even more delicious than usual, my lady,” Doppel said. “I can’t believe your flowers exude emotions!”

“Yeah, that’s a little curious,” I said. “Tell me more about what you see.”

“Oh yeah, I guess there weren’t any changelings with you before. Well, each flower is leaking some of your emotions. I bet they’ll change in appearance based on how you feel!”

“We can test that later, I guess,” I said. “I didn’t even feel you eating anything, so maybe it’s just ambient energy that’s leaking from me.”

“True, it did feel pretty light. But I definitely think it’s filling. Chrysalis might want you even more now that your hair does stuff like this.”

“Noted. There’s really not any way to hide it, so I’ll just have to deal with it as best I can. Anyway, today I’ll be going with Fleur to visit the deer.”

“Lady Fleur notified us beforehoof, since she doubted you would,” Doppel said. “As much as I want to dress you up like the beautiful flower you are, I’ll be preparing you for a day spent traipsing in the wilds instead.”

“Thank you.” And so she did just that. That said, though… “Is this really the best for hiking?” I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be a skirt, let alone one that was fairly short. It was very ruffly and comfortable, but I don’t know if it was the best thing for an expedition. The blouse was acceptable, at least. And the shoes were relatively normal walking shoes. Having any makeup at all seemed excessive for the woods, but she spent a full ten minutes on it.

“I was being sarcastic. Even I visited the deer a few times back when we lived near Ponyville. There’s a clear trail that leads all the way from the entrance of the woods to their city. It’s impossible to get lost and you won’t need to worry about getting anything caught on bushes or having your legs cut up by brambles. What’s more important is your first impression with the deer. You are a countess of Equestria. You have to be at least partially presentable, even after a walk through the woods.”

If we’re going that far, we might as well just go by airship and fly down. I knew saying something like that would just instigate her to do even worse, so I sighed and left it alone. Besides, she was correct in that I needed to be presentable. If not for my own sake, then for Fleur’s. Wearing armor would be preferable, but it wouldn’t really be the best way to show up to advertise a pageant.

“Being a lady sure is annoying. I was originally planning to take Taya with us in case we needed to teleport out, but would it be wise to take her from her classes?”

“Today is one of her days off,” Doppel said. “My lady, you should at least learn your filly’s schedule. Especially if you’re going to borrow her for a day.”

“Yes, I should. Tell me her schedule.”

“Are you sure you shouldn’t hear it from her? It’ll give you something to talk about on the way to the deer city. You can also learn more about her classes.”

“I suppose so. Do you have any more wisdom for me?”

“Not at the moment. The new maids will be starting tomorrow. You are not to lay a single finger on them, understood?”

“Who’s the lady here, Doppel?” She dared to lift a brow at me. “That said, I have no intention of it. One of them is loopy and the other seems kinda like a downer. Neither would be worth upsetting you over.”

“As long as you understand,” she replied with a nod. “You are also taking a break from Kat, I take it?”

“Yeah, I think so. At least, in bed. She told me yesterday that she enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable.”

“Is that a surprise? You know she’s sadistic. Dolling you up was her way of torturing you. Did it really take her spelling it out to make you understand?”

“I had suspicions, but the fact that she was dumb enough to confirm it was the last straw. You probably also heard that I dropped the griffin princess.”

“Hm. She certainly makes adorable noises, but dropping her was the wise choice. I take it Moonbeam is next on the chopping block?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that? Is she really that bad of a choice?”

“...Duh?”

“Even when looked at objectively? I feel like some people here might have a little too much bias.”

“It’s hard not to be biased against someone who’s literally evil,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “Darya, back me up here. Surely the elementals don’t want Nav marrying Chrysalis!”

“The elementals as a group do not have an interest in Nav’s marriage partner, since it won’t really affect us,” Darya replied. “And as someone who has currently elected to serve Nav, I can safely say that I do not have an interest in the matter, either. That is because, as someone who is also capable of seeing into Nav’s mind, I understand that she truly is torn about the issue. She likes the one she should be wary of and is wary of the one she should like. It’s odd, but acceptable, and not something I need to concern myself over. Unless or until I am asked for advice, of course.”

“How is that acceptable?!” Doppel shouted.

“Because humans are strange,” Darya said with a shrug.

Doppel sighed and hung her head. “I guess so… I still find it hard to believe a non-changeling could even get close enough to the queen to start liking her, let alone… My lady, if you choose to go down that path, you may come to regret it.”

“I haven’t made any decisions yet.” I replied. “I know all choices have drawbacks. Anyway, I am ready to greet the day. Shall we rouse my filly?”

“I checked on her first, since I knew you had Darya,” Doppel said. “Taya is in the shower. I plan to dress her as well, once she’s dry.”

“Would it be bad form to bring a weapon?” I asked.

“You should have considered that before inviting Taya,” Darya replied. Doppel glared at her. “But as you are going in peace to promote an event, I think going unarmed would be wiser.”

“Agreed,” Doppel said, turning her eyes back to me. “Breakfast is being prepared, my lady. You should head downstairs. I’ll check on Taya.”

“Boop her for me.”

“As you command, my lady.”

Darya had already opened the door for us, so all three of us skedaddled. Doppel went to see to my daughter while Darya slid me down the stairs. It was still fairly early in the morning, so there weren’t too many people in the sun room. At the moment, it was just Kat, Silver Quill, and Luna. Kat, of course, glued herself to my side as soon as Darya released me.

“Good morning, my lovely lady,” Kat warmly said, purring just a little. “Your hair smells absolutely divine! You’d make a wonderful perfume.”

“Hello, Kat,” I said, dragging her alongside me to the table where Luna was sitting, sipping at what I assumed was tea. “And hello, Luna.”

“Greetings, my lady,” Luna said with a nod. “You truly are an amazing sight. If you haven’t yet, you should take a step outside. The fresh spring air will do you some good.”

“I’ll wait for Taya,” I said, taking a seat. Kat tried sitting in my lap, but I casually shoved her off. She sat next to me and pouted, instead.

“My lady, have you seen Felix around?” Kat asked. “There is something I require from him. I intended to… discuss it with him after the party last night, but he was nowhere to be found.”

“The party was the last place I saw him,” I replied with a shrug. “Maybe you’ll see him at the bunker today.”

“Hm? Am I not going with you to visit the deer?” Kat asked.

“I didn’t think so, no. Why would you?”

“To… protect you?”

“Our lady doesn’t need to be coddled,” Luna said. “Especially not around the deer. If she isn’t requiring you to go, count yourself lucky. The reception will not be hostile, but it certainly won’t be warm. Bringing too many predators would make them even more wary. It’s possible they’ll sense the nature magic in our lady, but it’s unlikely they’d understand what it means. There is nothing to be concerned about.”

“See there, Kat?” I said, booping her. “Worry not. I’ll be fine. Absolutely nothing will go wrong.” Or at least, nothing will go wrong unless we keep jinxing it. “And if anything does happen, I can just break one of Fleur’s legs to leave her behind as a distraction while Taya and I escape. That means you can look for Felix.” Your sacrifice won’t be in vain, Felix. RIP, I guess.

“...My lady, are you ashamed to be seen with me?” Kat quietly asked.

“Sometimes. Usually when you get super clingy, creepy, or annoying. It’s problematic, since I intended to have you as a hidden guard. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s kinda like your body was meant to be lewd and sexy. Standing next to you obviously makes me feel worse in comparison.”

“Oh.”

“I know there’s nothing you can do about your unreasonably attractive body, but your behavior is one of the things I’d like to have uncoitused. Maybe then I can take you out in public more often.”

“But my lady, if I don’t misbehave, how will I cover for your poor social behaviors?”

Damn, she’s got me there. “It’s probably possible to have the elementals put me in autopilot. If anyone asks why my eyes are blue, we can come up with a lie. There’s no need for you to embarrass yourself or me by acting out.”

“You could hire a trainer,” Luna said. “There are private tutors that exist to teach adult ponies how to act in noble society. My lady, it might be wise to find one for the household. No matter where you end up when this is all over, it will be in a position of power. I know you can act well when you want to, but even acting won’t cut it in some of the super formal events. Knowing behaviors and etiquette might be life-saving.”

Could one of you download that knowledge from a teacher and upload it to my brain? Having manners sounds useful, but it would take me a lifetime to undo all my terrible habits.

“Uploads of knowledge from one person to another are possible, but not advisable,” Flo replied. “You’ll also get a huge upload of emotions from the knowledge donor. It would be better if we had some books about manners that we could upload. Then it would only be a matter of practicing with a teacher. Since you’d have all the technical knowledge, you’d just need to learn how to apply it with your mostly human body.”

“That might be doable,” I said. “But for now, it’s a low priority. I don’t expect to be involved in many overly formal events. Now that I have the excuse of building up a village, I can get out of basically any event that I want. Celestia’s gonna hate that she gave me this task, because I’m damn sure gonna use it to get out of all of her parties.”

A tea set clattered to our table a lot more loudly than it should have. I looked next to me and beheld Celestia in disguise as a normal pony, wearing one of the house’s maid outfits. The look on her face was not one a maid should show off to her lady, that’s for sure. “It’s a good thing the princess is also giving you so much support, my lady,” the maid rudely replied. “So much support that you should have no issues continuing to stay in Canterlot!”

“But the princess herself assigned this task to me,” I said, sipping at the tea the princess herself brought me. “A very important task I can’t afford to fail. She may be giving me help, but I’ll need to personally ensure everything goes smoothly. If some of those inspection dates happen to coincide with events like the Gala or the Europe party, then I’m afraid that’s just a consequence of my loyalty to the princess. After all, I certainly couldn’t fail the task I’ve been assigned. She would be so disappointed in me, after all.”

“All the nobles I’ve ever seen would be more afraid of refusing an invitation from the princess than they would with failing a task she’s given them,” Celestia coldly replied. “Most happily make time to attend the events she hosts!”

“I’m afraid I’m not like most nobles anymore. You see, I’m being made a countess. That means her trust in me is that much higher. There is no room for delays or failure. As the first task my liege lady has given me since promotion, everything must go well or she might deem me incompetent.”

“I’m sure the princess would understand the need to take a day or two off, especially if it’s a day you can spend at a luxurious party.”

“She might, but I’m not sure I could forgive myself for lazing about when I should be fulfilling her will. I’m sure she’ll understand my absence when the time comes. I am, after all, a notoriously hard worker.”

“You’re a piece of shit is what you are,” Celestia said, finally dropping the act and outright glaring at me. “You’re going to be at the Gala if I have to send the entire army to drag you in!”

“It would be much easier and less dramatic to just drag me in yourself,” I said. “After all, look at the state of the Equestrian military. Even if they did somehow succeed, half of Canterlot might get destroyed.”

“I’d only need to send Captain Midnight Blossom. She’d hypnotize you, doll you up, and bring you over in a chariot. After all, she’s too cute for you to order your thugs to attack.”

“Darya would defend my mind. The only reason Blossom was able to succeed before was because Flo allowed it to make me suffer. But Darya elected to serve me, so she won’t allow me to succumb to such tomfoolery. And Luna or Kat would be able to safely detain Blossom without harming her.”

“Isn’t the Gala an important event that basically all nobles use to form connections?” Kat asked. “That definitely sounds like something a new noble who’s forming a village should attend. If other nobles invest, it’ll make building your town that much easier.”

“What? No it won’t. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Why would I need a bunch of investors for a village that I can build entirely for free? I don’t need competing interests in my village, trying to take pieces of my pie. Fuck the other nobles. They would just get in my way and hinder my efforts. Maybe after the town is established with a bunch of things you won’t be able to see or obtain anywhere else in Equestria, I’ll start advertising among the nobles to get them to visit and spend money there. But until it’s finished, I intend to tell most other nobles as little as possible about what I’m doing. To that end, avoiding large parties is for the best.”

“You will be there,” Celestia coldly said one last time. With that, she put on a sickly sweet smile and her entire demeanor seemed to lighten. “Breakfast will be ready soon, my lady! And might I add, those flowers are beautiful! I think you’ll do wonderfully at the pageant!” She didn’t wait for a reply and went back to the kitchen.

“So, what, you guys just let her in this morning?” I asked.

“She was already making breakfast when I woke up,” Kat said.

“You were correct, it seems she is definitely after your hand,” Luna added. “Shall I throw her out for you?”

“There’s no need to go that far,” I said. “She has a job she has to get to eventually, after all. And I also won’t be here all day.”

“Be careful,” Luna said. “She might invite herself along as her lady’s personal maid.”

“That would be a little excessive. Besides, she doesn’t seem interested in meeting the deer, either.”

“Do you prefer the tea she makes, or mine?” Kat asked.

“I dunno. I do prefer the food she cooks, though. She wouldn’t allow you to eat any, but it was quite a bit more than acceptable. What you make isn’t bad, but most of it is spiced oddly.”

“You… don’t know?” Kat said, tilting her head. “How could you not know your own preference?”

“Almost all tea tastes the same to me. My taste buds aren’t fancy. I just know that what’s available in Equestria is nowhere near as good as what I had back in my time.”

“So… I have to try harder! I’ll learn to make tea so good you’ll be forced to admit it’s superior!”

“Have fun with that.” I honestly didn’t care. Water was usually enough for me. But if Kat wanted a hobby that didn’t involve stalking me or being creepy, I was happy.

“I’ve heard there are excellent teas available from China, but getting them here is a nightmare,” Luna said. “The seaponies have set up a small port for trade vessels to restock, but it’s still such a long journey that most ships either don’t try or don’t make it. Those that do tend to trade in things worth more, like spices.”

“That’ll be changing soon,” I said. “When I obtain more airships, I can designate a few to trade back and forth between China. Well, up until I can buy some property in China to put a teleportation pad on. Then I can start transporting goods that way and using the ships for other things.”

“It would take a lot of energy to move large objects between the two countries,” Luna said. “It would be worthwhile to have the ships transporting large cargo while the teleport pads move across smaller things.”

“Good to know. A magic expert will be necessary to teach us stuff like this. Using teleport pads in a business sounds like a good idea, but I’m sure there’s probably a reason it hasn’t been done before.”

“A few,” Luna said. “But those reasons are all things that are fixable with enough knowledge. The biggest issue is that the standard teleport glyph is public and connects to all other standard teleport glyphs. It takes a specialized magic circle to make them private. From there, you can either set it up so that only certain unicorns can use it, so that it only goes to certain places, or a few other things. It wouldn’t be too difficult to set up a transportation business. It would also be possible to send passengers.”

“The inhabitants of my village probably won’t be used to producing much at first, especially not things that Equestrians might be interested in. But anyone with a brain can process boxes. Would it be possible to turn part of our village into a base for handling packages and trade goods brought in via portals and airships? The availability of amenities in Canterlot would basically skyrocket.”

“I think Celestia would approve of such a plan, yes,” Luna said. “She quite likes her luxuries. Better brands of tea and cake would delight her. We can build a large warehouse with a few airship docks and radio towers.”

“We can build the airship drydock somewhere nearby, so any ships that need repairs can easily get them after unloading their cargo. I gotta say, working to finally uncoitus Equestria is going to be nice. I can make this place closer and closer to the home I left behind.”

“And benefit all the ponies at the same time,” Luna said with a nod. “It’s easy to see why Celestia made you a noble. How did she get you to agree with it?”

“By tricking me and using friends against me. Oh, and Flo was there, too.”

Two wet hands on my shoulders put a very ominous feeling in my chest. “Your perfect secretary is here, my lady,” Flo warmly said. For some reason, I still felt oddly threatened. “You mention me like I’m an afterthought, when I was one of the leading causes of you consenting to becoming a lady.”

“Luna asked how Celestia got me to agree. You weren’t part of Celestia’s plans, were you?”

“I wasn’t, but you only came up with that reason just now. You realize that excuses mean nothing against me, right?”

Can’t you just break my neck already? “You shouldn’t slander a noble lady, Flo. That’s rude. It might also be treason, maybe? I’m not really sure, but it’s probably at least frowned upon.”

“I’m pretty sure slander has to be a lie,” Flo said, using her grip on my shoulders to begin massaging them.

“Well, it’s still rude. So, do you have an explanation for Celestia showing up this morning?”

“She wanted to make you breakfast, my lady. Is that truly so bad?”

“It’s creepy. The princess should have more important things to be doing than masquerading as a maid.”

“It’s a way to help calm her mind,” Flo said. “Doing things like this every now and then will help prevent her from going insane again. It’s also a way for her to be close to the sister who has forsaken her. I don’t see why you’re complaining. Her cooking is excellent, as you said. I know her personality isn’t that awful, because I built it myself. So what’s the downside here?”

“Being aggressively pursued isn’t something I’m used to. I don’t want to turn my home into a battlefield for the waifu wars. I’d prefer peace and quiet. Having all the members of my pseudo-herd dropping in at random might complicate things.”

“And so the truth finally comes out,” Flo said, patting me on the head with a third hand. “I’m proud of you, Nav.”

“So as the one holding Celestia’s leash, what are you going to do to help me solve this problem?” I asked.

“Absolutely nothing at all,” Flo said. “Although I might be able to give you advice. The first thing that comes to mind is… If you want her gone, tell her to leave.” I sighed and set my head against the table. “That is not very noble behavior, Nav. You know, Celestia might be happy to act as your teacher for manners. Should I ask?”

“No. I’m sure she’s too busy for something so mundane.”

“The fact that the most up-and-coming noble in Equestria has the manners of a farmhand is actually a constant embarrassment for her. And there’s plenty of ways to make time. Like visiting her dreams, for example. And now that you know how to combine multiple dreams, everyone who needs training in manners can get it all at once! Since you’re learning from the one who made all the manners, you’ll have the best education possible.”

“I would literally rather die.”

“You would rather die than do anything, though,” Kat said.

Fuck, she got me again. “Fleur or Cadance would be more tolerable. I can ask them if they can make a dreamslot available.”

“Is the princess so intolerable?” Celestia asked from behind me, which almost definitely meant she was using magic to mute her hooves.

“I don’t think my learning style jives with Celestia’s teaching style.”

“I wasn’t aware she ever acted as your teacher,” my fake maid said, finally stepping into view. How dare you come back into my presence without bringing breakfast? And you’re glaring again? Worst maid ever. “It sounds to me like you’re trying to avoid her. You won’t attend her parties, you won’t let her teach you, you ban her from your house, you won’t visit her dreams… That seems strange, for such a supposedly loyal vassal.”

“If you’re using that tone and that glare, there’s really no reason to continue pretending. To put it short, I’ve seen more of you than I have my own filly since I woke up from the coma. I don’t know how you can say I’m avoiding you. And of course I don’t want to go to parties. I’ve always hated them. Every time I’ve visited your dreams has been terrible, so I’m not inclined to go back. That means you can’t teach me in your dreams. Finally, I didn’t ban you from my house, I just told you that it won’t really feel like a comfortable home if the princess of the entire nation is just loafing around inside. Since I’m not the only one who lives here, I have to be considerate about things like that. Maybe you have a victim complex or something.”

“If you have a problem with me, it would be much easier for you to just say it. You don’t have to come up with all this nonsense!”

“I don’t hate or dislike you. But I’m wary of you. And constantly forcing your way into my life and eavesdropping on me isn’t making me any less wary. I get that there are a lot of people important to you here, and that’s why I gave up and let you cook every now and then. And what was the one request I had when I agreed to it? That you not be annoying. And yet what are you doing right now? Being annoying. It hasn’t been a day yet and you’ve already broken the only rule I gave you. And now I’m the bad guy, even though all I did was wake up, go downstairs, and start talking to my vassals. My home is supposed to be where I can relax, not where I get subjected to withering glares and interrogations from my employer.”

“So I am supposed to just let myself get talked about?” Celestia asked.

“You’re the princess. People talk about you all the time. I mean, every time I walk through or past the barracks, I hear the guards talking about how sexy you are.”

“Yet you call Kat the unreasonably attractive one…”

“Any woman would feel inferior next to her. Though your human body is also nice and squishy. I just happen to prefer bipeds.”

After several long seconds of silence, Celestia sighed and hung her head. “I have a request, then… Please do not discuss me when I am here. I fear I will be unable to stop myself from joining, especially when Nav is saying something horrible about me again. Like how you couldn’t stand having someone as awful as me as a teacher or how my dreams are so terrifying that you couldn’t handle coming back…”

First you impose on me, and now you’re making demands? The audacity of this temporary maid. “We’ll try. No promises.”

“Why… why do you think I would be a bad teacher?” she quietly asked, her lower lip trembling just a little.

“Because I’m a godawful student. I get impatient, angry, and snarkier than usual. Those are all things I’d rather not make you deal with. That’s also the reason I wanted to just zap it all into my brain. I’ll have Darya upload a manners book into my brain and practice with some people in their dreams. Don’t worry about it.”

“I feel like there’s something I would be perfect for teaching you, actually.”

“Well, don’t worry yourself over it,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be making sure breakfast isn’t burning?”

“I’m a six thousand year old mage, Nav. I can make breakfast from across the continent. A room away is nothing. I could teach you to be the best student you can be!”

“I already said not to worry yourself over it.”

“I’m not worrying about it at all. After all, it’s now a royal decree that I’m sure my loyal vassal would be happy to follow! Your lessons begin tonight. I’ll see you in my dreams, Navi. Now, let’s go check on things!” Apparently all that talk about cooking breakfast a room away was bullshit, because she walked off, giggling to herself.

I sighed and looked at Flo, who was now standing across the table and staring at me. “Flo, I have a task for you. Redo Celestia’s brainwashing. You messed something up the first time.”

“I’m too afraid of following your unilateral order to do such a thing,” Flo said, feigning worry. “After all, you were something created by Discord… Shouldn’t we host a vote before such a tremendous decision?”

“All in favor?” I asked, looking around the table. I lifted my hand immediately, of course. Luna shrugged and lifted a hoof as well. Kat, Darya, and Flo didn’t move. “C’mon, Kat. Do you really want to deal with this?”

“As one of your teachers, I feel you would benefit from lessons on how to be a student,” Kat said. “And seeing that someone still has the ability to manipulate you with ease gives me hope. Having her around means I can learn from her, too!”

“Darya, I have a new task for you,” I said. “Raise your hand for me.”

“No.”

“It seems to be your loss,” Flo said. “Thus, we will settle for inaction.”

“Ugh, fine. Well, the maid asked us to stop talking about her while she was around, so we’ll shelve this for now. Darya, Flo, are you two heading back to the site of the village today?”

“Indeed,” Flo replied. “Would you like to build into the forest, cutting trees as you go, or would you rather build alongside it?”

“We’ll start by building alongside it. I’d rather the village be kept closer to the edge of the Everfree. Once the forest begins getting purified, we’ll start cutting down trees and expanding into the forest itself. I don’t want this town developing too close to Ponyville, after all. If I’m honest, I’d like to build it inside the forest itself. But it seems like Celestia is in a hurry and all my colonists are picked.”

“There will be time for other villages later,” Flo said. “The location you have is ideal for a first settlement. The closest town is nearby enough to use it as a base for all the supplies we’ll need in the beginning. The field you’ll be building on is mostly flat and free of obstructions. There’s already an existing fortified location present to count as a marker. With Jonathan and his bugs to act as builders and all the supplies in Skyhold at your service, you should have the entire place constructed in a manner of weeks. It would be much more difficult if it was inside of a huge forest. You’ll have to wait until the forest is purified and roads are built through it. And without a town to work from, you won’t be able to purify it or build those roads. If you continue developing your land, you can build another town inside the Everfree itself later.”

“Visiting the deer village might actually be helpful, if that is your goal,” Luna said. “They live within nature, using magic to guide things like trees to act as shelters. It’s a shame that they’re so snooty about it, and so secretive of their arts. But if you form a good relationship with them, they might be willing to sell their services. Though since they aren’t interested in gold, there’s no telling what they might ask for.”

“Wait, what’s their economy based on?” I asked.

“Bartering.”

“I’m wasting my time today, aren’t I?”

“Indeed, my lady,” Luna said. “The deer might agree to send a representative to the pageant, if only so the doe can act arrogant and haughty to the other girls. After all, they believe their race is beloved for its beauty and grace.”

“They’re sounding more and more like elves,” I said. “Do deer have long lifespans or something? Or is there any reasonable basis for their arrogance?”

“They’re about on par with ponies. A lot of their arrogance is just fear. They’re a very cowardly race and hide behind their arrogance like it’s a shield. The higher ranking deer have enough combat ability that they might pose a threat, but they’ll probably be so afraid of you that they’d never think to fight. They’d much sooner tell you to leave.”

“Afraid because I’m unknown or afraid because I’m a pseudo-predator?”

“Your reputation. It didn’t concern you, so you weren’t told, but the land we used for the war game you participated in is adjacent to deer territory. Because of that, they used magic to observe it. And they observed you tearing out Shining Armor’s throat with your teeth.”

“They have magic that lets them see through his overpowered shield?”

“From my understanding, the magic they use gives them the ability to see through the eyes of familiars. In this case, the birds who were flying over the battlefield.”

“And you just allow another nation to spy on your training?”

“The yearly war games are called games because it’s meant to be a competition. The results are published and other nations are welcome to send representatives to watch.”

“I wouldn’t want to show that off. The pony military is kinda embarrassing.”

“We’ll need to begin retraining them quickly,” Luna said. “Most of the guards are glorified patrol-ponies.”

“Everyone always refers to the soldiers as guards. Is there a differentiation between the guards that patrol the cities and the army that defends against invasions?”

“No, and that’s the primary issue. In the days of old, the military was split into several groups. A navy that patrolled the seas, a ground army that defended and conquered, guards that patrolled for crimes, and then there were several smaller military factions like the irregulars, the monster hunters, the armies of the nobles, and the office of public relations.”

“Why was the office of public relations a military branch?” I asked.

“It was all propaganda and censorship, which fell under the purview of the military at the time. These days, it’s handled by a team under the princess herself. If we want to begin rebuilding the military, we’ll need to start recruiting and we’ll need to break everything up.”

“I don’t know if we’ll need to go on a recruiting drive yet. Modernized militaries need fewer combat soldiers and more support personnel. And even then, with teleport circles to move troops and supplies, the need for that is heavily reduced. If things go well, there will not be a situation where a column of our soldiers will charge into a column of theirs. We’ll use artillery to bombard them. That’ll thin their numbers and put the survivors into shock. Then we send in elite infantry with runic armor and golems to swiftly wipe out the stunned survivors before they can recover. None of that should require too many troops.”

“We should send the infantry in first, before the artillery starts,” Luna said. “Once the enemy is grouped up to attack us, we can bombard the entire area.”

“And… kill our own soldiers?” I slowly said.

“Hm? No, of course not. If you want to make the artillery rounds shock its targets, we need merely set the runes on our armor to resist it. The shells will be detonating above the combat zone, so there will be no risk of any of us getting hit by a shell. The shock magic would just bounce off our armor. Why would we kill our own soldiers?”

“A misunderstanding. Almost all human artillery just exploded when it hit its target. When I said it would put its targets in shock, I meant they would be confused and disoriented since they’d be very close to the blasts. But if we can really make runic rounds like that, it would be super cool.”

“I can’t believe I never considered something like this before, but it’s such an amazing idea,” Luna said. “Rounds propelled even further by forcing them through a tube. It’s so clever. And adding spin to make it go farther and more accurately! Truly, humans are masters of killing! Your species never ceases to amaze, my lady! Ponies only ever used cannons for things like fireworks or… parties.”

“Humans probably have the highest kill count of all time. Unfortunately, we were our own victims. Those who live by the sword tend to die by it.”

“Indeed, a death in battle would be most honorable! Much better than dying in my sleep.”

“Fighting has its perks,” Kat said with a nod. “Part of my killer body is from all the exercise I got while murdering.”

“Yeah, nothing really gets my blood going like combat,” I said. “Dying in battle wouldn’t be too bad, since it would probably be quick. And since I’d resurrect without remembering it anyway, there wouldn’t be any issues. Anyway, back on topic. So you said the deer watched the war games and know about me?”

“Indeed,” Luna said. “After the games were over, they sent a request for more information about the terrifying monster that partook in the games. We told them… enough.”

“Enough?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“Yes, enough.”

“Do I really need to ask you to elaborate? Tell me what they know.”

“We sent them a report on your physical body at the time. We also included that you served under me as a knight. And of course, we included the highlights of your accomplishments. So they know that you have a history of violence, some of which they got to personally witness, they know that you are more than a match for any quadruped in a fight, with or without weapons, and they know you’re dangerous enough to be sent in as a lone agent to destabilize entire governments.”

“Look, that was one time.”

“Two,” Kat said. “You took out the leadership of Egypt and you took out Pertz.”

“Three,” Luna said. “You were also instrumental in taking out Bahamut.”

“At least five, actually,” Flo said. “The criminal leader Nav took out essentially controlled a nation’s worth of criminals, a colony of which Nav later helped Moonbeam murder. And then there were the kobolds. But at the time, it was considerably fewer. Unless the deer have been keeping up with your exploits, all of their information will be dated. This is a chance to show off the new and improved you, Navi!”

“Why would you say that? Now I just feel dirty. Ugh, I don’t even want to go anymore…”

“Did you want to go to begin with?” Kat asked.

God, she got me a third time! “That’s beside the point. I’m doing a favor for a friend. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s just… this favor is sounding less and less pleasant by the moment…”

Thankfully, I finally heard someone coming before they could eavesdrop on us. Some hooffalls made me look over to the entrance, where I discovered that my daughter finally decided to grace us with her presence. Her hair was just as flowery as mine, and done up in braids that emphasized them. She had on a plain pink dress that matched the flowers perfectly. “Good morning, mommy,” she said with a large grin.

“How is your first spring?” I asked.

“I feel so full of energy! Looking back, I realize now I was always so lethargic and just didn’t notice…”

“Winter sucks. If we do conquer Tartarus, we can get a house there. Since the seasons are mirrored, we can stay in spring and summer all year round.”

“That doesn’t seem healthy…”

“We can take trips back if we ever want to sleep for a bit. Breakfast should be ready soon, but there’s time for a walk outside. Want to head to the cliff and back? The sun and wind in your hair will give you even more energy.”

“Let’s do it, mommy!”

Luna could read the room enough to stay behind, but Kat refused to give me some alone time with my filly and latched onto my arm as soon as I started walking to the door. Trying to turn her away would take more time than I was willing to spend, so I just put up with her warm squishiness and followed Taya outside.

Any vestiges of weariness I felt left me the instant I walked through the door. The fresh spring air was wonderful and I could hear faint singing in the wind. I didn’t know if it was pony song magic run amuck or if it was trees, but someone was definitely lively. Taya was currently looking around the world in wonder, hopefully taken by the beauty of it all.

Spring is pretty great for a flower, I gotta say.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“...I’ve never felt like this before,” she whispered, eyes still wide. “Do you hear the singing? And the bells?”

“Yes to the singing, no to the bells. Kat, do you hear singing?”

“No, but I hear the bells. They’re from a fire squad, so something is probably burning.”

“Oh, you’re right,” Taya said. “That makes sense, I guess. The singing is really pretty, though!”

I’m just deaf, then. Man, human senses suck. At least pheromones don’t affect us that much. “And of course, your hair looks super cute,” I said. “According to Doppel, it radiates emotions.” We finally started walking toward the cliff.

“That’s what Doppel told me when she was braiding it,” Taya said. “Apparently it tastes pretty good, too.”

“Be wary, my lady,” Kat said. “This might make the two of you much more valuable to Moonbeam.”

“Noted,” I said. “Taya, are you ready for our trip today?”

“To see the deer? Yeah. I just gotta blow ‘em up if they get uppity, right?”

“No, causing an incident would be unwise. Teleport us out instead.”

“‘Kay, even if it’s boring. Do you think that’ll actually happen?”

“No, because the deer also know that causing an incident would be unwise. They might not know everything about me, but they know I’m powerful in Equestria. Any attack against me might bring retaliation, so they wouldn’t dare.”

“...I really think I should go with you,” Kat said, snuggling closer.

“I won’t need a guard and you have a job that needs doing.”

“You never want to spend time with me anymore…”

“Why would I? Aside from your rockin’ body and combat skills, you don’t have many redeeming qualities. You’re creepy and obsessive, enjoy seeing me suffer, and want to own me. What kind of masochist would actually want you around?”

Kat’s arm around mine got tight, but before she could try to engender sympathy, Taya cut in with, “The view from up here is even better in spring!” We were now at the edge of the cliff and sure enough, we could see the world coming to life almost all around us. The main exception was Ponyville and the land surrounding it, which was still mostly snowy. “It all feels so… vibrant now!”

“It actually does feel slightly different,” I said. “I wonder if this is another evolution on the tree sister path. That potion you took skipped a few steps, if you’re already caught up to me.”

“According to Athena, temperament is an important part of it,” Taya said. “If you detest what’s happening to your body, the changes will be slower. But if you want and welcome it, they’ll be much faster. And I wanted to be just like my mommy, so here I am!”

I really don’t deserve this much love. “You’re my favorite filly daughter, Taya.”

“Of course!” she sweetly replied, jumping up to hug me. Right as she did so, an uncomfortably cold blast of wind shot over the cliff. That made me thankful for the warm filly and warmer kitty snuggling with me.

“I guess winter isn’t entirely gone just yet,” I said with a sigh.

“Why is Ponyville the only town still covered in snow?” Kat asked. “Don’t the ponies use magic to change the seasons the hard way?”

“The earth ponies are too stubborn for that,” I replied. “Instead of doing it the easy and fast way, Ponyville forces its inhabitants into hard labor for the day, making them remove the snow and change the weather by hoof.”

“That’s a very interesting interpretation,” Taya said, letting me go and stepping back. “Applejack just told me it was tradition…”

“Traditions are just old aspects of culture that have stubbornly refused to die,” I said. “So their stubbornness is making them do it the hard way.”

“You have quite a way of looking at things, my lady,” Kat said, sniffling a little.

“I’m looking forward to when the flowers start growing,” I said. “All the fields between us and Ponyville are usually covered in them. Instead of green, we’ll be seeing oceans of gold, pink, and blue. Do you think we could or should carve a kind of viewing station into the cliff? It would be a place like the sun room, but right on the side of the cliff instead.”

“I could probably carve it out in about an hour or two, if you want,” Taya said. “I can’t make the glass, though. Twilight showed me how, but it’s really hard to make it perfectly clear and uniform.”

“Wouldn’t that ruin the feeling of nature?” Kat asked. “The wind is just a part of being on a cliff.”

“True, but it’s hard to have a tea party like this. If I really want to style on the other nobles, something stupidly opulent like a tea party on a cliff would be optimal.”

“A party under the magical cherry blossom trees would be just as viable,” Kat said. “After all, you probably won’t be able to find any trees like those anywhere else in Canterlot. It would also feel more nature-oriented.”

“Just because I’m part-tree doesn’t necessarily mean I care about all that,” I said.

“But you’re the lady of nature, are you not?”

“Yeah, the lady of nature. That lady part means I’m allowed to make nature civilized so it’s more accessible. The view of nature from the cliff is amazing, but the wind ruins it. So civilizing it by adding a viewing area safe from the wind is the best solution. You still have the perfect view, just without the wind.”

“Yes, quite the way of looking at things… You excel at mental gymnastics, my lady.”

“Thank you, I try. Taya, do you feel wide awake?”

“Yep! And I actually feel kinda hungry, too.”

“Let’s head back in, then. Breakfast should be ready soon, if it isn’t already.”

“I’ll go wake Spider up so he can join us,” Kat said, finally releasing me. She walked over to the tree while Taya and I walked back in.

“Should you really say things like that to her?” Taya whispered. “Isn’t it kinda… bullying?”

“Kat has recently made it very difficult to like her. I probably shouldn’t say things as bluntly as I do, though. But I mean, you saw some of the shit she did in the coma. Is that acceptable behavior? Am I wrong for wanting to put a stop to it?”

My filly sighed and didn’t reply. She sighed yet again when we got inside and beheld Celestia setting the table with our breakfast. “Why is that mare back again?”

“Apparently because she wanted to make breakfast,” I replied.

“Where did she even get one of our maid outfits?” When my filly asked that, Celestia just beamed.

“Remember who you’re talking about,” I said, patting my filly’s head. She sighed a third time and gave in, just like I had to. Together, we sat where Celestia put our plates. Luna was silently eating, refusing to acknowledge her ex-sister’s existence.

“So when does Spike usually wake up?” Celestia sweetly asked. “I’d like to make his breakfast too, and maybe help him get to work.”

“You’ll probably be waiting for a bit,” Taya said. “He usually isn’t up by the time I leave for class. Or maybe he’s up and just not leaving his room?”

“Perhaps I should go greet him,” Celestia said, poking at her chin with a hoof.

“He might be with Gilda, so make sure to knock first,” I said. “And thanks for breakfast.”

“Anything for you, my lady!” she sweetly replied. “I’m off to go wake the dragon. Do enjoy!” She left right as Kat and Spider joined us. Of course, Celestia only made food for the people she actually cared about, so they had to wait for the real cook to get finished.

“This was tested by poison-tasters, right?” Taya asked.

“Luna’s eating it right now,” I said. “Also, we’re immune to poison anyway. Besides, poison doesn’t even taste that bad. Arsenic’s a little tingly. It might be good in chili, actually.” Luna snorted. “What?”

“I never thought I’d hear someone talking about purposefully poisoning themselves for the… taste. Truly, life is a wondrous thing.”

“Right? You know, there were humans out there who dosed themselves with small amounts of poison to build up resistances. I personally wouldn’t recommend it, but it might be possible for a pony to do the same thing.”

“It is,” Luna said. “And I also wouldn’t personally recommend it. Get the dosage wrong just once and your stomach might be aching for days. Ugh, and the smell…”

Not what I wanted to hear while eating breakfast, but Celestia’s cooking was good enough that it didn’t detract much. “So did you think Celestia might actually poison us?” I asked.

“Love poison, maybe.”

“I’m immune to that,” I said. “And she knows I’m immune to it, since she forced me to drink it once.”

“She did what?!” Luna shouted. “After she got mad at me for doing it?!”

“...You forced mommy to drink love poison?” Taya coldly asked.

“You’re looking at it the wrong way. I helped your mother discover that she was immune to love poison.”

“No you didn’t,” I said. “I had no idea it was love poison until much later. And Luna didn’t force me to do it, she just tricked me into it. Of course, that’s arguably worse. And Celestia didn’t believe it anyway, because she was just as surprised as everyone else when it didn’t work on me. You have no need to fear poison from her, Taya. Flo wouldn’t let her do that, anyway. Besides, poisoning food is dumb. Poisoning the silverware is the right idea. Or the rim of someone’s glass. That way, if someone fears being poisoned and just mimics eating, they’ll still die. And if there are a lot of enemies and you aren’t sure who is who, put the antidote in the food itself. Thus, you can poison all the silverware and glasses without worrying about hurting your allies.”

“...My lady, where did you learn such dangerous things?” Luna slowly asked, staring at me with stars in her eyes.

“Isn’t that just common sense?” I asked.

“Those are an assassin’s final resorts,” Kat said. “Something not taught to members of the guild that trained me until they were nearing the rank of master. It’s hardly anything I would call common sense, given that it’s so uncommon even in my old order.”

“It’s so rare that my sister and I only ever encountered it once,” Luna said. “It failed because we scanned the entire table for poison, but most unicorns would only think to check the food! It had never even occurred to us until then…”

I guess video games finally taught me something useful after all. I’ll probably never get invited to a game at dinner… “Anyway, let’s eat.” And so Taya and I began eating. It was pretty fantastic, I gotta say.

“Celestia’s a powerful opponent,” Taya whispered when she was done.

“Tell me about it,” I said. “Though I figured she would have found Spike by now. Doesn’t she need to be getting to her job soon?”

“Why?” Flo asked. “There’s a fake in place. She can stay as long as she’d like and it won’t cause any issues.”

“That’s clearly pushing well past the boundaries I set,” I said.

“Not that she has any intention to, I assure you. I was just saying that her work won’t pose any issues.”

“That’s still not very comforting, but I’m sure Spike can distract her while Taya and I slip out. His sacrifice won’t be in vain.”

“You’re quite fast to throw others under the bus,” Flo said.

“I learned from everyone around me all these years,” I replied with a shrug. “As someone who’s perpetually gotten the worst end of the deal, I’ve started learning how to get others to take the fall for me. If anything, you should be praising me for my growth. Aren’t I a better leader now that I know how to use others to their full potential?”

“You have been learning the wrongest possible lessons,” Flo said, shaking her head in what was probably disappointment. “Leaving Spike to his fate is hardly honorable.”

“Since when was I concerned about that? Being honorable can be useful sometimes, but knowing when to cut your losses and escape is a better skill. And Spike is an acceptable loss to escape from the sun goddess herself.”

“Your wisdom is as bountiful as ever,” Luna said. “Sometimes, the only winning move is retreat. In that case, some things will always be lost. Learning to minimize those losses is what differentiates a good leader from a great one.”

“Isn’t this all a little too dramatic?” Taya asked. “I mean, I know it’s Celestia and all, but still.”

“Equestria’s super boring. If I don’t make my own fun, I’ll die of boredom. Why do you think I act the way I do?”

“That explains a lot,” Luna said. “Is this land truly so devoid of joy?”

“Yeah. I read every book in Twilight’s library at least twice and that was before a year was out. Unfortunately, most of those books were worthless. Since then, I’ve probably written about as many books, but those don’t do me any good since I’m the one who wrote them.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Flo said. “Your favorite fax machine did her job.”

“I called you a printer, not a fax machine. But what job did you do?”

“I delivered a few thousand books to your editor while you were in the coma. I also sold enough paintings to fill several museums. And finally, I delivered comics to the same people who were developing manga for Rarity. So now there will be even more sources of entertainment, some of which you haven’t experienced yet. Oh, and you’re richer than ever, though your editor will obviously be paying in installments.”

“Yep, best secretary ever.” That made her light up pink. “With that, there’s finally more fun stuff to do. But there’s still a long way to go. Building up a village will allow me to start putting things in place to get the real projects going. With my influence, the Equestrians will hopefully become less boring.”

“With some help from your favorite princess, of course,” my non-favorite princess replied from her position skulking in the shadows. Apparently Celestia’s journey to find Spike was unsuccessful, as he didn’t join us.

“Yeah, Cadance will probably help here and there,” I said. “But most of my royal support will come from you instead.”

“Ugh, Cadance is still your favorite?” Celestia asked with a groan. “I even got brainwashed for you!”

“No, you got brainwashed because of me. Big difference.”

“I’ve also done a lot for you! Far more than Cadance ever did! After all, I’ve only come over to visit a few times. I’m certainly not living here with a foal!”

“Yeah, but you’ve also done a lot of stuff to me. But if we take what Oldlestia’s done out of the picture, you’re still basically just a blank slate. After all, it isn’t fair to give you the credit for everything good she did while saying you’re off the hook for the bad stuff.”

“I’m making you a countess, aren’t I?”

“That’s just a liege-lady taking advantage of a talented vassal. You certainly aren’t doing me any favors. If anything, you’re inconveniencing me by forcing me to push plans forward.”

“Tch. I made you dinner and breakfast, didn’t I?”

“Cadance cooked almost every day she was staying in my house. I’ve probably eaten more of her home-cooked meals than Shiny has. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds kinda bad… Anyway, you may be a slightly better cook, but two meals hardly counts against what she’s done.”

“I’d rather be a better princess than a better cook!”

“Then why on earth would you pretend to be my maid instead of doing your job as a princess? You’re still using that drone as a replacement, aren’t you?”

“You told me to learn to delegate. So I’m delegating. Sue me!”

Luna angrily sniffed. “As a wise princess once told me, there’s a fine line between shirking and delegating. Putting all of your duties on autopilot while you prance about is the exact definition of shirking, I believe.”

“Forgive me for being new to the whole princess thing,” Celestia said.

“Being a princess is all you’ve ever known,” I said. “You can’t be new at it.”

“Then what’s your recommendation, huh? How should I delegate?”

“There’s a bunch of options, depending on how much of your power you want to keep. Most towns have a mayor of some kind and most regions have a lord of some kind, right?”

“That is correct,” Celestia replied.

“Step one is phasing out the nobility. You gotta get rid of them pronto. Nothing good comes from consolidating power for too long in the hands of too few, especially with no large, obvious external threats. You get a bunch of arrogant do-nothing busy-bodies. Corruption runs rampant, regions start getting run-down, problems stop getting solved. It’s just a big mess, really. Step two is replacing the system of aristocracy with some kind of meritocracy. Equestria’s actually pretty good in that regard because someone’s primary skill is tattooed on their ass. Everyone’s basically guaranteed to be good at whatever their cutie mark is, right? Then once you have competent people who are mostly not corrupt in charge, set up various levels of issues, from things that affect a single person to things that affect the nation. All the useful people under you can handle anything less than a nation-breaking problem. Those are the kinds of things a nation’s leader should be focusing on.”

“How exactly can I phase out the nobility, again?” Celestia asked.

“You just recently conducted a few pretty hefty purges, cutting out a large chunk of the power of the nobles. I’d say that gives you the right to level a few requirements on keeping your title. If you can’t prove that you’re competent enough to be a leader or contribute to society in at least some meaningful way, your family will lose any benefits of nobility. Maybe they can still claim the name, but their land can be seized due to incompetence. The only people who are gonna be upset about you getting rid of a few bad nobles are other bad nobles. The citizens will either rejoice or not care. And what are the nobles gonna do? Personally try to lead a coup? Good, that would save us the time of tracking them down.”

“The nobility may have lost some of their political power, but they’re still financially powerful. Or would you suggest stripping them of their assets as well? And what of any land they legally bought?”

“I get the feeling you’re not really interested in making this happen.”

“I can’t just say yolo while enacting massive, country-changing policies. These things have to be planned to the smallest detail possible.”

“Then you’re asking the wrong person. I’m not very detail-oriented. Flo or Darya can give you several history lessons about human nations that went from monarchies to something different. A lot of times, the royals still ended up holding important positions, but it was mostly ceremonial. If you could teach the Equestrians how to manage the country with only a small amount of input from you, you could make your son all the meals he could ever want.”

“Oh ho, now I see. You’re trying to teach me to delegate so I have more time to spend with you! Now that I understand your motives, I can see why it might be important… Well, guess it’s time to execute all the other nobles!”

“We’ll send Spike to the palace whenever he’s awake,” I said. “Have a nice day!”

“Shouldn’t you be trying to talk me out of it?” Celestia asked.

“I mean, killing them all isn’t the method I would pick, but hey, you’re the princess here. I’m sure you’ve put enough thought into it that you’re not just yoloing your way through.”

“I, for one, don’t think it’s fair,” Luna said. “I suggested killing them all at least a dozen times, but Nav recommends it once and now you’re all for it? That’s exactly why I’d rather spend time with my lady!”

“I never reco—”

“Well, she obviously had better arguments,” Celestia said, cutting me off. “And half the time, you were just saying it after being mildly inconvenienced. You can’t just order heads to roll because you smacked your shin against a table!”

“They snickered at me!”

“You tried ordering three generations of their families to the torture chambers!”

“I would have killed them when I finished, so it still counts!”

“It’s not supposed to count! Counting is a bad thing in this case! Ugh, won’t you come back home to the palace, Luna? You know you’ll be more comfortable there!”

“You just hate it when I have fun! Well guess what! I’m gonna stay with Navi and she’ll let me torture and kill all the nobles I want!”

“Wait a mom—”

“That’s not fair!” Kat shouted. “She gets mad every time I recommend it! Why would you get preferential treatment? I was her vassal first!”

I sighed and patted Taya on the back three times. She nodded and we both teleported up to my bed. The first floor of my house was now an uninhabitable quarantine zone.

“So, what just happened?” Taya asked.

“Man, I don’t even know. I’m glad you remembered what that gesture meant. Maybe we should just go to Fleur’s house instead…”

“She might already be on the way, so it’s probably better to wait. I guess if we’re really at a loss for ways to spend time, you could just rub my belly…”

“You’re so dolled up, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Uh… at my belly?”

“Yeah, but how do I get to it? I refuse to reach up my own daughter’s dress.”

“Oh. Yeah, it would be awkward if anyone walked in on us, huh? Ugh, I guess being a lady is all about inconveniences…”

“No, that’s just what comes from being alive. It’s a road of constant disappointment with an inevitable end in eternal dreary darkness.” Or not so eternal, if you’re dumb enough to bet your soul with what might as well be a god.

“Mommy, would you get mad if I ever turned you into a pony to rub your belly? I really think it would cheer you up a little.”

“Please don’t do that. Receiving belly rubs as a pony has an uncomfortable habit of turning me on. That’s why Twilight tricked Spike into doing it to me in front of some guards.”

“I bet you enjoyed it.”

“Anyway, don’t do that. I think Fleur said she would get here around eight. I hope we can last that long.”

“Do you… do you think they’ll try to retrieve you, mommy?” Sure enough, someone gently knocked on the door, making both of us jump a little. “Should we run?”

“Maybe it’s someone sane. Open it, but be ready to escape.” She gulped and used magic to ease the door open. Thankfully, it was Doppel who presented herself. “Oh, we’re safe…”

“I asked Darya where you were,” Doppel said with a smile. “Is there any reason in particular you fled, my lady?”

“Everyone was cutting me off and ignoring me, so I deemed my presence unnecessary. And since the conversation was dipping into mass murder and torture, I decided not to subject my filly to it. To that end, I decided it would be best to withdraw.”

“I see. Well, I shall inform you when Fleur arrives. Luna and Kat should leave for the bunker by then. Our… temporary maid will be dragging Spike off soon, too.”

“So, what, did you just let her in this morning?”

Doppel sighed and hung her head. “She was already making breakfast when I woke up…”

“I told her it would be fine every now and then and that she had to not be annoying about it. Two meals in a row is more than every now and then and she’s certainly been annoying about it. Does that mean I can safely cut her off completely now?”

“She provided all of her own ingredients,” Doppel said. “And from your reactions, she’s excellent at cooking, as well. I think working on her annoying side would be better than cutting her off completely, personally. After all, it’s likely you’ll end up marrying her.”

“The more people who say that, the less I want to do it. You’re just making me want to pick Moonie even more. Is that really what you want, Doppel?”

“The evil bug who cast me aside and bullies me because I’m loyal to you now? Why would I want that?”

“So I can continue redeeming her? At this point, we’ve successfully fixed Celestia. Moonbeam’s still a work in progress.”

“So you want your wife to be unstable and someone you’re intent upon fixing?” Doppel asked, tilting her head. “That seems unhealthy, my lady.”

“You can make anything sound bad when you spend all day twisting words around, Doppel.”

“It took me two sentences to make it sound bad. That’s hardly all day.”

“Taya, who would you rather I marry?” I asked.

“If I’m honest, I really don’t want to give Celestia the satisfaction. She’d just look so happy and smug that it’d be sickening. I think shocking the world by picking the dark horse option is more fun! Besides, who wants someone mostly perfect like Newlestia? Talk about snoresville, am I right? Plus, I’d probably get turned into a princess by extension, and then I’d have to be super polite and stuff.”

“Wouldn’t that happen with Moonbeam, too?” Doppel asked.

“What, do the changelings care about etiquette?” Taya asked.

“...No, actually. I will grant you that. Until recently, we’ve been more concerned with surviving than we have with manners. You would probably become a princess, though. Technically, it would be one of many, since Moonbeam has several children.”

“All the better, since the limelight wouldn’t be on me. But of course, all of this is assuming the only options are Moonbeam and Celestia. The best answer is obviously founding your own nation with Twilight. The fae king and his sorcerous queen ruling over the land of demons. Doesn’t that sound awesome? Then we could make our own rules about behavior!”

“Would you consider Celestia off the table?” I asked.

“No, but she’s not my first choice. We’d probably have to be accompanied by guards everywhere, too. At least if changelings were guarding us, they could follow as birds or something. Mommy, unless you actually fall in love with Celestia, marrying her would be kinda pointless. She’s willing to listen to reason now. About the only way we could turn her against us is by doing stupid things, like murdering random people or trying to hurt her. What benefits would marrying her really grant you that you don’t already have?”

“That’s definitely a way of looking at it,” I said, nodding. “And it’s actually true. As things stand now, unless I fall in love with her, marrying her would be pointless. It would turn me into even more of a celebrity, which would be annoying. It would basically force us to live in the palace, which has its ups and downs. I would obtain more authority, but right now, I can use elementals to instantly ask for whatever I need from Celestia. Sounds like nothing but downsides, if I’m honest.”

“Just… think about your choices,” Doppel said. “And beware that each has consequences.”

“Of course. Do you know when the airships will be returning?”

“I don’t know the exact time, but both should return within the week. And the large ship will arrive after the pageant begins but before it ends.”

“Wonderful. I think that’s when Celestia said she’d announce my promotion. Should I wear some kind of special outfit to commemorate it?”

“If there’s a big event, I would recommend it,” Doppel said. “However, Rarity is almost definitely going to deliver more outfits for the pageant than you’ll ever need. Plus, you have several gorgeous dresses here that were gifted by your various paramours. You can get away with wearing any of those, as long as Fleur and I deem it acceptable.”

“Good. When do you think it’ll be safe to go downstairs?”

“I’m not sure. Fleur should be here soon. In the meantime, I’ll send tea up.”

“Please don’t. I’m so tired of tea.”

“Then I’ll send hot cocoa up. With extra marshmallows for Taya, of course.”

“Of course,” my filly replied with a nod. I guess I wasn’t allowed to have extra marshmallows, because Doppel let herself back out before I could say anything. “Are we sure she isn’t a double-agent, mommy? What if she’s going to rat us out?”

“I think Doppel can be trusted, but she was pushing Celestia a little hard. I’m pretty sure our hot cocoa will arrive without interference.”

“...She said she would have it sent up, implying someone else would bring it. Right now, there are only two other maids in the house. So we either get the trap or… her.”

Does Aurora really count as a maid? I guess so, huh? “I’m confident we’ll survive whatever may come. Wait, who taught you what a trap was?”

“Rarity, of course.”

“Right, of course. And when did she pollute your mind with this?”

“When she made my dress for the Gala. She had dozens of those manga books scattered around and meticulously designed the dress around them. A few of the characters in the books wearing the outfits were boys, so I asked about it.”

“You can end your explanation there. I don’t want to know the rest. Thank you for letting me know, though. Now I have to punish her.”

“We might have time when we get back from visiting the deer. I really can’t believe you liked traps enough to hire one and force him to be your maid, though… I guess Rarity was right, huh?”

“And now I have to punish you, too. So I’m going to tickle the hell out of you when we get back,” I said. “Prepare yourself, my adorable filly. I’ll soon have you squealing in terror.”

“Mommy, you seem to have forgotten something very important: You can’t wear your ring anymore.”

“Yeah, but I happen to have a Luna. That’s close enough to make it work.”

“...Oh. Hm, that might be a problem. Oh, I bet Celestia would help me tickle you, though! I think the two of us could beat the two of you!”

“Well, there’s another option. Flo enjoys tickling you, too. I can just ask her to turn your laser gun off for a little while.” When her ears flinched and she looked away, I knew I had won. The punishment for my filly was settled. All that was left was to decide just how to deal with Rarity…

As Taya began to dread her upcoming fate and I thought up all sorts of fun things to do with my favorite dressmaker, someone timidly knocked. Moments later, it opened and the trap in question let himself in. “Good morning to you, my ladies,” Aurora warmly said. Sure enough, he had some hot cocoa on a platter. One of the mugs was stuffed full of marshmallows, while the other was disappointingly bereft. “I heard you barely escaped a terrifying situation. Are you feeling well?”

“It was less terrifying and more annoying, if I’m honest,” I said.

“The two strongest mages in the country were arguing about torturing and murdering people while the insane assassin egged them on,” Aurora slowly replied. “Is that not… terrifying to you, my lady?”

“I guess they can throw a few lights around or whatever, but anyone with a laser pointer can do the same. It was just a… Well, I hesitate to say catfight, but that’s basically what it was.”

“A catfight between mares who can blow up mountains seems like something to be feared,” Aurora said, hanging his head. Taya got tired of waiting and used magic to fly our cocoa over. She obviously kept the one with the most marshmallows, because my fate in life is to suffer.

“Power creep’s a thing, man,” I said with a shrug. When I finally took a sip of the delicious cocoa before me, all I could feel was disappointment. They didn’t even give me whipped cream… It was still good, but it could have been so much more. “Sure, they’re strong. But I’ve met people who made Celestia quiver in fear. And after you deal with them as much as I have, you get used to it.”

“Oh yeah, Arachne was a thing, wasn’t she?” Taya said. “Man, she was spooky, huh? Celestia was terrified.”

“We were all terrified. Point is, they’re not just going to start using combat magic for nothing. And if they do, being worried about it won’t change the outcome.”

“Then… why did you flee?”

“Because they were being annoying and I didn’t wanna deal with it. Next time, tell Doppel to give me marshmallows and whipped cream.”

“Oh, she said you would be getting your whipping and cream later, my lady. I’ll be sure to ask her to bring marshmallows for you, too. Would you like me to bring anything else up?”

“No thank you.” He bowed and departed. When the door was shut, I couldn’t help but sigh.

“Disappointed to see your favorite trap leave, mommy?”

“I’d be happy to increase your tickling time.” She gulped her marshmallows down nervously. “I’m disappointed that Doppel is passing off slutty messages for me to her staff. It’s unfair for me to say it, but it seems unprofessional.”

“Yeah, you have no grounds to say that,” Taya replied.

“I’m trying to work on it. But at this point, I already have the reputation. Getting away from that image will take time, no matter how I think about it. It’s just one more thing I need to change.”

“I’ll support you, even if it is boring,” my filly said.

“Good. So, what are you expecting from the deer?”

“A bunch of arrogant and rude cowards.”

“Well, let’s hope we’re disappointed. And I know I may have joked about it, but don’t actually leave Fleur behind if we have to flee.”

“Lame. Fine, I guess. Hm, what if we have to split up?”

“Ideally we won’t, but you and I can communicate via Darya. I’m sure Fleur would be interested in joining the network, so we’ll probably be able to talk to her as well. If we split up, just be wary of surprise attacks. That’s the only thing that could hurt you. Fleur will be on her own. And I’ll be fine no matter what happens. Although I do want to stress, I highly doubt anything bad will happen. I’ve heard the deer are assholes, but not generally violent. As long as we don’t provoke them too hard, it shouldn’t be an issue.”

“...Well, good thing you’re working on that. Do your best, mommy. I’ll be there to pick up the pieces when you buck it all up. Although… if I abandon you, I won’t get tickled!”

“If you rescue me, I’ll reward you by not tickling you.”

“Is withholding a punishment really a reward?”

“Would you rather I tickle you and then rub your belly?”

“Ooh, tough one…”

And so time passed until Fleur finally rescued us from our vassals.

Chapter Two Hundred and Six—Thicket

Chapter Two Hundred and Six—Thicket

“You seemed awfully in a hurry to leave this morning,” Fleur said as we took off in the chariot she brought for us. “Did you have a change of heart about visiting the deer?” The reason I could hear her clearly despite the wind was Darya. Fleur seemed quite interested in a method to contact me whenever she wanted, so she accepted Darya into her head without a single complaint.

“Celestia came by to prepare breakfast this morning,” I said with a mental sigh. Telepathy is pretty neat. “Long story short, it ended in a catfight between sisters, ironically enough egged on by Kat herself. Taya and I had to take shelter in my room to avoid the drama. It’s exactly the reason I didn’t want her visiting often.”

“You really shouldn’t have been so quick to cast Princess Gilda aside, Nav,” Fleur said. “You could have let her know things wouldn’t escalate and then continued playing with her until she went back to the palace. At least then you’d have some manner of shield from Celestia at home.”

“That isn’t the point. Why should I need a shield from Celestia in my own home? If this happens again, I’m going to tell her not to come back at all, or only with permission.”

“Wait, she didn’t even get permission?” Fleur asked.

“She was already in the kitchen cooking when everyone woke up.”

“It was creepy,” Taya said. “She turned herself into a changeling so she could disguise herself as a random pony and even found a maid dress in our color scheme.”

“...I see your dilemma,” Fleur said. “Oh, and I’ve come up with a plan to deal with Lord Darkplume.”

“Who?” I asked.

She stared at me in silence for several long seconds before rolling her eyes. “The griffin who bought you.”

“Oh, that guy! Sorry, I only heard his name once. Thank you for dealing with him, Fleur. You make my life so much easier than Celestia does.”

“If you marry me, Celestia will probably leave you alone. Or at least, she’ll bother you slightly less.”

“What’s sad is that I don’t even know if that’s true anymore. After all, she still has Spike and Luna as excuses to visit. Well, now that I’m founding a village, if she starts annoying me too much, I can just spend time there. I’m already planning on using it as an excuse to get out of going to any parties.”

“I highly doubt Celestia will accept that excuse,” Fleur said. “She’ll probably send Flo to drag you into the Gala.”

“Why would you assume Flo would side with Celestia? Besides, she’d have to get past Darya and Luna. Anyway, that’s enough about my problems. So what’s the plan for the day? I think you said we were going to a nature preserve of some kind, where we’ll meet the deer guide.”

“And the guide will take us to their city in the Whitetail Woods,” Fleur said with a nod. “We have an appointment with the lord of the forest, King Aspen. We’ll meet with him to discuss the matter of the pageant. He has a wife named Fyr and a child around Taya’s age named Bramble. I asked that his wife be in attendance at our meeting in the hope that she’ll see the value in the pageant, as a doe herself.”

“Are they immortal?”

“Not to my knowledge, no,” Fleur replied. “It’s my understanding that the deer race ages similarly to ponies. Their royal family is just as mortal as the griffin royal family. King Aspen is probably just slightly older than I am. I believe his wife is a few years younger.”

“I spoke to Luna about the deer this morning and she told me something… troubling,” I said. “Do you remember the war games I competed in?”

“I think all of Equestria heard about it. You won the most crushing victory ever seen, after all. It was quite the scandal for Shining Armor. Why do you mention it now?”

“The games took place near the deer territory. Apparently they were spying and saw my exploits. When they requested more information about me from Celestia, they were given a slightly edited version of my record, basically painting me to be even more violent and dangerous. So I might have a bad reputation with the deer.”

“That is… troubling, but as you would say, the dice have already been thrown. When I sent the missive requesting a meeting, I included your name. They approved it, despite that. It’s possible they’ve forgotten about you. It’s also possible they’ve learned more about you and realized that you’re not a threat.”

“I figured you probably wouldn’t care, but going in without letting you know might have been troublesome.”

“Just think of it like an opportunity to show off the new and improved you, Navi! You certainly look the part of Lady of Nature now. Those flowers in your hair are simply gorgeous! A part of me wonders how they taste…”

“Removing them is incredibly painful. I already learned that lesson the hard way.”

“Ah ha, noted.”

“Taya, how long can you leave cute mode activated?” I asked. “It would be ideal if you could turn it on when we get to their city.”

“These flowers will make it much easier, so I should be able to make it all the way through. Well, assuming I’m not too annoyed or they don’t attack us. I promise to behave, of course!”

“Thank you. I’m sure it’ll be difficult, but I can probably find some way to make it worth your while.”

“What is… cute mode?” Fleur asked, a slightly disturbed look on her face.

“I knew I needed something to fight against Rarity, so I asked Taya to learn to be cute,” I replied, patting my filly on the head. “She can activate it at will, but it’s draining on her. It’s turned into one of our trump cards. When Moonbeam saw it, she considered teaching the same thing to some of her soldiers and spies.”

“I see,” she replied, relaxing a little. “It’s good to know she’s already received some training. It has to be pretty decent if it impressed Queen Moonbeam. But… Well, never mind.” She muttered a few things, but I dutifully ignored it. “What about you, Nav? How’s your cute mode?”

“Mine’s on all the time.” That made Taya giggle and Fleur lift an eyebrow at me. “What? I’m adorable!”

“You talk like a sailor, act like a slut, walk like a warrior, and glare like a tyrant,” Fleur said. “While your appearance is certainly adorable, everyone who actually knows you understands it’s only because Doppel and Kat put so much time and effort into it. What matters a lot more is how you behave, and your behavior is certainly far from cute. Usually.”

“And you can’t turn it on at will, either,” Taya said. “It just sort of happens sometimes.”

“I think I might know myself a little better than you two,” I said with quite a… cute grin. “Trust me on this one: I’m cute all the time. Got it?”

“Even your grins are terrifying!” Fleur said. “You simply must get your act together, Nav. The pageant is almost upon us and you’re supposed to represent the contestants to the deer!”

“Wait, I thought I was there as the one who had the idea for the event. If you wanted someone as a representative for the contest itself, why didn’t you pick someone from a normal race like Gilda, Kumani, or Kat?”

“You obviously know why I didn’t pick Kat,” Fleur said. “The deer have a bad history with dragons and griffins, so that’s why I didn’t pick Gilda or Kumani. I could have picked Miss Equestria, but I’d much rather spend the day with you instead.”

“Well, fair enough. I am, after all, always cute. Who’s Miss Equestria, by the way? Anyone I know?”

“Not to my knowledge, but it’s possible. Her name is Octavia, a noble mare who is exceptionally gifted in many areas, but especially in music.”

“I believe I do know her, in fact. I had no idea she was Miss Equestria, though. I thought she was just a talented musician.” Does that mean I can say that Miss Equestria herself tried giving me a blowjob under a table at a party? Though it was ruined because one of the princesses was already there…

“One does not receive a standing invitation to play in Canterlot Castle as just a talented musician,” Fleur replied. “In fact, she plays at most of the royal events and makes enough money doing so that she happily plays charity concerts whenever she can. Apparently she got the idea for that… from you, as it happens.”

“I vaguely remember mentioning something like that… Equestria does a pretty good job of taking care of its own, for the most part, but the people who get missed tend to suffer a lot. It was on my mind for a time, so I mentioned charity concerts to some of the musicians when I was giving them human music. Most of them didn’t seem that interested in events where they gave away all or most of their profits, but I guess some of them found it appealing. I really hope she’s not attributing them to me, though.”

“No, of course not,” Fleur replied. “After all, she’s the one playing. She is, however, spreading the concept of human charity, and that she learned it from the culture of your people. Though she hasn’t shared many of the details of that culture, to my knowledge. So everyone knows the idea for the concerts came from you. With that, much research was done into your past, whereupon it was discovered that you gave all the foals of Ponyville gifts one year, you forced quite a large sum onto a declining rural school in Ponyville, you gave a ton of gems to a local business, you donated an unfathomable sum to a clown college of all things, and much more besides.”

“Ugh, they found out about the donation to the clown college? Now I just feel gross…”

“Why a clown college, mommy?” Taya asked. “I thought you hated… Wait, was it Popsy?”

“It was the only way I could think of to repay my debt, yes. Fleur, you said everyone knows this. Define everyone. How is this the first I’ve heard of it and how long has it been known?”

“I knew about all of those but the clown college, for what it’s worth,” Taya said.

“The latest Miss Equestria pageant actually wasn’t that long ago,” Fleur replied. “Most of this news about you has come to light within the last month or so, I’d say. And you’ve mostly been away from Canterlot in that time, of course. It’s been in a few newspapers, for sure, but nothing about it was sensational enough for the front page. There’s been so much happening so quickly that I haven’t had time to ask you about it. I must say, the clown college was a surprise for all of us. Who’s this Popsy? What kind of debt did you have toward him to owe that much?”

“Do you remember the spooky bunker I visited in Antarctica?” After a few seconds, she slowly nodded. “Popsy was the friendly spirit who guarded a safe zone. He protected me while I rested. He also took me on several terrifying theme park rides. In life, he was a clown in the bunker who spent the last years in the failing bunker using his skills to keep the children smiling as their world slowly turned into a living nightmare. Personally, I’m not a fan of clowns. They just don’t jive with my humor. At the time, I didn’t know how else to pay my debt to him, so I decided to make a donation in his name. I figure that most ponies are childlike enough to enjoy clowns, so they should have a chance to flourish in this new world.”

“Popsy sounds like an amazing person,” Fleur said with tear-filled eyes. Is she… crying? “As are you, my lady, to display such wonderful camaraderie!”

“It’s to be expected, isn’t it?” I asked. “All debts must be paid in full.”

“Most wouldn’t consider what Popsy did as something to be indebted to, in the first place,” Fleur said. “Being saved by a ghost is just… supernatural. Wouldn’t most just consider it a one-off event that has no connection to anything else? That you tied together being saved by a ghost with being indebted toward clowns is… astounding.”

“It was a ghost clown. Did I not mention that? What other aspect of him was I supposed to feel indebted to? I don’t know anything else about the guy, since he was immortalized as the part of him that was the strongest at his time of death.”

“I’m still struggling to understand why him saving your life led to you donating to a clown college in Canterlot.”

“I didn’t know where any other clown colleges were,” I replied with a shrug. “I still had to ask directions to this one, but it was pretty easy to find.”

“Why would you donate at all?!”

“The same reason you were teary-eyed: It’s a really sad story, isn’t it? I felt bad, especially after he went and helped me. Throwing money at the problem was enough to make me feel better about it. Why are you putting so much thought into this? I didn’t want this to come up at all, let alone have to explain it to the smallest detail!”

“So I know what to tell Clementine when it’s time to make it front page news,” Fleur said. “Oh, you might not know that name. She’s the mare I put in charge of maintaining your new image in the media.”

“I’ll have to meet her soon, then. Thanks for getting her on my side.” Taya snorted.

“It was no problem at all!” Fleur sweetly replied, completely glossing over the fact that she had blackmailed Clementine to get it done.

“I’m somewhat surprised anyone in the media was willing to support me, though,” I said. “Was she hard to convince?”

“Oh no, not at all. She was quite happy to help, in fact. There were times she shed tears of joy to be of use to the great hero herself!”

“She sounds very enthusiastic. I’m suddenly not so sure about meeting her, but the time for an interview is coming up, I’m sure.”

“I could have one scheduled for as early as tomorrow morning,” Fleur replied. “Perhaps even today, after we finish with the deer!”

“That wouldn’t bother Clementine? I’d hate to mess with her schedule.”

“I’m sure she’d be delighted to pencil us in!”

“She sure sounds like a kind mare. I’m surprised she’s lasted so long in a job like that.”

“That’s just how important of a client you are, Nav. An interview with you would be worth quite a lot of money!”

“That’s true, I suppose. I don’t really want to just walk in for a general interview, because there’s no telling what I might get asked. If I could get a list of questions in advance, I might be down. Or at least a general list of what I might expect. But I’ve done a lot during my sentence in Equestria. There’s no telling what she might ask.”

“Nothing that would make you look bad,” Fleur said, patting my side. “She’s completely loyal, I assure you.”

“I’m grateful to have her, then. Maybe I should give her a belly rub to make up for all the trouble.”

“You really shouldn’t go around touching the belly of just any mare, Nav,” Fleur said. “There’s no telling how it might make her feel. You saw what it did to Blossom. You shouldn’t make a mare you don’t know very well feel that good.”

“True. Speaking of which, I might go visit my favorite vampire tonight, now that I don’t have to sleep anymore.”

“That’s what she was waiting for, in fact,” Fleur said with an adorable chuckle. “Blossom wanted to visit as soon as you woke up but she knew you’d be busy and that when spring came, you’d have more time available. I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she came by to nibble on you tonight!”

“I’ll lock her in my room, forcefeed her a blood gem, and touch her all over.”

“Mommy, don’t be creepy,” Taya said.

“Fine, then I’ll only do that if she tries refusing me when I ask. Is that better?”

“Not really, no.”

“You wouldn’t want your most adorable friend’s first experience with touch in so long to be unpleasant,” Fleur said. “You should go at her pace.”

“True. Now that I think of it, she did mention that the extra benefits were conditional, so maybe I should behave myself…”

“What extra benefits?” Taya asked.

“You’re too young to worry about it,” I replied with a boop.

“What extra benefits?” Fleur asked.

“Have you ever heard of friendship with benefits?” I asked.

“Ponies have the concept, yes,” Fleur said. “Well, it’s relieving to know that Blossom isn’t an easy mare. Just be careful about accidentally seducing her. The last thing you need is another immortal in love with you.”

“That’s actually a really good point. I’ll definitely behave.”

“Wait, wouldn’t you want someone as adorable as Blossom falling for you?” Taya asked.

“Part of what makes Blossom cute is that she’s so reluctant to admit it. Another part is how she isn’t used to physical affection. Take both of those away and make her someone that’s angling for me and she’d just be another cute chick trying to get my hand. Just in vampire form, which is even scarier.”

“Is that how it works?” Taya slowly asked.

“Yep, that’s how it works. Anyway, Fleur, are there any other deer we need to know about? I’ll try to behave around everyone, but if there are more important people, I might just try to talk less.”

“The only ones you really need to be wary of are in the palace. That said, I know none of their faces, so it’s possible deer that work in the palace will be watching us from the city. It’s probably best to just assume you’re being watched at all times.”

“Gross. That almost definitely means I’m going to screw up. But it’ll be fun, so promise you won’t get too mad.”

“Nav, you’re a noble now. You can’t just mess up every social event you attend. You are treating this seriously, aren’t you?”

About as seriously as I treat everything else. “Well, I went through a whole coma to try to fix things like this. I at least intend to do my best. With luck, that’ll be enough. I just wish we didn’t need luck for that…”

“You’ll never win the pageant with that attitude, mommy,” Taya said.

“I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of out-ladying Kat, let alone Octavia or an actual princess. I might beat Kumani, but it’s likely I’ll get knocked out on the first or second night. Now that I think about it, it’s kinda embarrassing to lose so quickly in the event I suggested, but I guess that’s life for you.”

“Shouldn’t your goal be to do better, then?” Fleur asked.

“Sure, but I have to be realistic about this. Kat spent years training to disguise as all kinds of things, including a rich upper class lady. Gilda may be somewhat eccentric, but she’s still a princess and has been trained to act like it her entire life. Octavia is almost perfect as a lady. In comparison, I haven’t even been a girl that long. As you yourself just said, I’m pretty uncouth. I can be polite and nice when I put a whole lot of effort into it, but I’m usually rough around the edges.”

“Then I’m happy to inform you that there are many paths to victory in this upcoming competition,” Fleur said with a smile. “Although… If I’m completely honest, I do highly doubt you’ll actually win. I’ll be rooting for you, but if I was putting money on it, I’d pick Gilda or Kat. The sheep candidate is also a princess, but I don’t know much about her.”

“Not Octavia?” I asked.

“As I said, there are many paths to victory. Kat is a woman with many talents and Gilda is a woman with much knowledge. Octavia is a refined noble lady and quite the musician, but I believe the other two outpace her in enough other fields.”

“If Kat wins, there’s something wrong with the world.”

“...I can’t disagree,” Fleur replied with a sigh. “But shouldn’t you be kinder to your vassals?”

“I’ll be kinder to her when she’s kinder to me. So we basically have no intel on the deer, do we?”

“We really don’t,” Fleur replied. “You’re quite blatant with your subject changes, Nav. That’s something else you should work on.”

“The main thing we should work on now is fixing our intel problem on the deer. So far, everything I’ve heard paints them as apathetic, bordering on rude. My sources are Blossom, Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and a few others. What have you heard?”

“The same,” Fleur said. “But I have hope for them. They’re nearby, they’re also herbivores, and they’re shaped mostly the same. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be more friendly with us, as far as I can tell.”

“Luna said their arrogance is based on fear. At this point, none of us look scary. As long as we don’t do anything hostile, we shouldn’t spook them. Although… my tail looks kinda weird. Doppel didn’t seem to want to hide it, though, so I guess that’s fine.”

“It’s very nature-oriented,” Fleur said. “And if you move it at all, it gives us a wonderful view! I see you chose black and lacy today, hm?”

“I guess nature-oriented is good for a race like the deer.” For some reason, my response made her giggle. It might have been the blush on my face, though. “Although looking at the two of us, I’m surprised you don’t feel underdressed.” At the moment, she was wearing nothing.

“I’m told the deer typically don’t wear any clothing, either,” she replied. “I thought if at least one of us was without, they might feel more comfortable.”

“So I got dressed up for nothing?” Taya asked.

“They make you look even cuter, so it wasn’t for nothing,” I said. That made my filly giggle.

“And they help keep you warm, of course,” Fleur added with a shiver. “The air over Ponyville is so much colder…” Sure enough, we were already passing over the small town. The residents were out in force, doing their best to get rid of all the snow by hoof.

While I was looking down on the peasants, I felt an unpleasant gaze on me. My eyes honed in on her immediately and Pinkie’s face split into a terrifying grin. It wouldn’t have been as bad if her neck wasn’t bent at an angle that shouldn’t have been possible. The rest of her body was still helping move snow. None of the others around her seemed to notice a thing. Or more likely, they were pretending not to. I decided to stop paying attention to the peasants.

I may have also decided to pray, even if I didn’t think anyone was listening.

“That’s an easy fix,” Taya said. Her horn lit up and the wind stopped blowing on us. We already weren’t getting that much from the design of the chariot, but my filly put us inside of a little heated bubble. “There we go!”

“Why didn’t we just do this from the start?” Fleur asked.

“Because I wanted to show off my new toy,” I said.

“Darya isn’t a toy, mommy,” Taya replied, finally using her mouth to talk.

“It’s impressive that you can have an entire conversation without moving your lips at all,” Fleur said. “Especially since it apparently works at any distance!” As she said, our entire conversation had gone through Darya.

“Not quite any distance. Communication might become distorted if we get too far from Darya’s main body, but that would require going to another continent. Even then, it would still work most of the time. But now if we get separated from the deer, we can keep in touch. And if I start messing up, you can scold me silently.”

“And then punish you later, of course,” Fleur unnecessarily added.

“I’m somewhat surprised you were willing to accept her in your head without an explanation, though.”

“Well, you wouldn’t ask me to do anything that might hurt me, at least not without a warning. We’ll probably be touching down pretty soon. The nature preserve is just on the other side of Ponyville.”

“Is it Fluttershy’s?” Taya asked.

“Indeed, that’s the one,” Fleur said. “Apparently she had quite the windfall and planned to spend it building the preserve, but then Luna showed up out of nowhere and did it all for her in a week. As the closest pony business to the deer city, I decided to use it as our rendezvous point. Ah, if only Fluttershy had agreed to be our pony representative…”

“No offense to Fluttershy, but she doesn’t even begin to compare to Gilda or Kat when it comes to other talents,” I said. “She’s good at singing, sewing, cooking, a few other wife-related things, and taking care of animals. Octavia has her beat. Even worse, Fluttershy is super shy and would have issues on a big stage like that. She sounded pretty anxious when she told me about your invitation.”

“I feel like you’re selling the Element of Kindness short, but I will admit that her personality might make competing troublesome. I imagine she’s much happier working with her animals.”

“Especially after mommy destroyed her heart,” Taya muttered.

Unfortunately, Fleur heard it. “You did what, now?” she sweetly asked, staring up at me with eyes that definitely weren’t smiling.

“Fluttershy had a crush on me. I… could have turned her down in a better way. It’s not like I meant to break her like that, but I’m an idiot and an asshole, so it kinda just happened. It’s not like we’re on unfriendly terms, but I’d rather not spend much time alone with her, if possible.”

“I’m surprised you were so quick to spurn her,” Fleur said. “Wouldn’t a mare like her be fun to play with?”

“Not for me. She’s too quiet, passive, and shy. It’s to the point where it’s honestly aggravating sometimes. I couldn’t have a relationship with her and I know she wasn’t interested in me just for playing around. Anyway, that’s all in the past and I’d rather not discuss it.”

“Well, we’re about out of time, anyway,” Fleur replied. “There’s her home now.” Of course she would build it there.

Sure enough, the chariot was coming up to Fluttershy’s home. The area around it had changed quite a lot since the last time I visited, though. A bright red barn had been built off to the right. The doors were open and several critters were running around inside, maybe trying to keep warm. Several bears were walking around the barn, using plows to push the snow away. A large webbed net led from the top of the barn to the edge of the forest. Several birds and squirrels were shaking it clear of snow and ice. A well-maintained trail led into the woods behind the barn.

Four large silos stood on the other side of her home, along with a sizable water tank. Another bear was doing his best to work a water pump that seemed to pull water from underground and pump it into the tank. Fluttershy was currently directing a line of animals that were gathering in front of the silos, presumably for breakfast.

Our deer guide was nowhere to be seen.

The chariot touched down in front of the barn, where there was the least snow and ice. The ground was still uncomfortably cold, but Taya’s magic fixed that in no time. Fleur got a magic tool from the chariot pullers before they took off again, heading back to Canterlot. The tool apparently let her summon them whenever we were ready to be picked up. I could hear some light singing from the forest, but nothing that was too distracting.

“I can’t believe this place doesn’t stink,” Taya muttered, looking around in disinterest.

“You should play with the animals while we wait for the guide, Taya,” Fleur said with a smile.

“We should ask Fluttershy before we do anything like that,” I said before Taya could reply with something sarcastic. Fluttershy clearly noticed us landing, but she was currently in the process of being swarmed by creatures seeking food and definitely wouldn’t be able to move any time soon. “We… might also need to help her.”

“She chose this fate,” Taya said. “We should support her choices and just watch instead.”

“I guess it might be hard to hire staff for a place like this. I imagine her bears usually patrol and keep the peace. At the very least, we need to go say hi.” I finally started walking toward the buttery mare. Fleur followed right alongside me. Taya sighed and trailed behind.

Thankfully, the disorderly line cleared itself up without our interference. A few wolves stepped out of the line and started growling. I noticed that Fluttershy’s pet bunny was riding on top of one of the larger wolves. The weaker creatures froze in place.

“If you’d all get back in line, you’ll be fed much faster!” Fluttershy called out. “I know you all want to get to cleaning up the snow. You’ll be able to get moving much faster if you can just be a little more patient!” With that little speech, her animals all ambled back into something resembling a line. The wolves started slowly walking up and down the line, glaring at any critter that tried pushing forward. The one Angel was riding joined Fluttershy at the front of the line. By the time we got to her, everything was moving smoothly again. She was watching us approach with a gentle smile, but when we got closer, her eyes moved to my hair and she gasped.

“Nav, your hair… Are those flowers… part of you?” Fluttershy asked.

“They sure are,” I replied. “It looks like your preserve is off to a good start. This is a lot of animals.”

“Yes, but this is only about half of them,” she said. “It’s much easier when my helpers are here, but I let them take the day off for Winter Wrap Up. Good morning, Fleur and Taya. I see your hair matches your mother’s today!”

“Yeah, being part-tree is the best,” Taya said with a smug grin.

“Speaking of which, you told me something a while back,” I said. “Fluttershy, if you still want to be a tree, we can make that happen. The potion to become a tree sister isn’t all that difficult to make. The process is painful, but very fast. If you find yourself interested, let me know and I’ll let you read a book about the changes your body will go through. If you’re still interested after that, we can give you the potion.”

“Oh, I’d be very interested in that book!” Fluttershy said, actually looking excited. “Even the most hostile of animals rarely attack you, right? That means I could make so many more friends! And since I’d be around for so much longer, I could help so many more critters!” She’s so cute and innocent that it hurts my heart a little.

“So this is the charm of one of the Element of Kindness,” Fleur said with a smile. “It truly is a shame you chose not to participate in the pageant, Fluttershy…”

“I… didn’t enjoy my time in the limelight,” Fluttershy said, looking down. “And I know I’m not the greatest mare in the world. There’s no way somepony like me could ever win a competition like that. Especially not when I’m competing against Nav and a few princesses…”

“You easily have me beat as a mare,” I replied, booping her to make her adorably squee. “And you have me beat as a girl in general, too. I am an influential person, not a great one. But I know how you feel. I don’t want to compete either, but Fleur guilted me into it. Just be thankful she didn’t try to set her hooks in you, too.”

“I wasn’t the only one twisting your hoof,” Fleur said. “So don’t put all the blame on me, please.”

“I can’t be mad at Blossom because she’s too cute. I’m perpetually angry with Kat, so adding one more thing doesn’t matter much. That means you get all the blame.”

“Hm… Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss that dream I had last night?” Fleur said, poking at her chin with a hoof. “It was quite a bit more than I requested, if I recall.”

“I took some creative liberties. Are you gonna try and tell me you didn’t have fun? Besides, what I did to you last night is nothing compared to what Twilight did to Rainbow Dash. So really, you should consider yourself lucky, right?”

“Wait, what did Twilight do? Is that why Rainbow looked unwell this morning?” Fluttershy asked.

“Man, I really feel sorry for Dash after that… But don’t worry about it. I’m sure she’ll be fine. Although… Is that why Pinkie was staring at me? Maybe she thought it was my fault?”

“Isn’t that bad?” Taya asked. “If Pinkie thinks you did something to one of her friends, are you… are you gonna be safe?”

“Well, what Twilight did also involved Pinkie, but really, don’t worry about it. Dash probably doesn’t want the pity that would come with it. But if anyone mentions it, what happened was completely Twilight’s fault and I could do nothing to stop it.”

“I didn’t hear anything that sounded like an apology in there,” Fleur said, tilting her head. “Are you just trying to brush over the cruelty that you unleashed upon me?”

“You made a request. I granted it. What’s the problem?” I’m not sure why, but Fleur didn’t seem convinced.

“You’re still accepting dream requests?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yep. What animal do you want to try next? I think you loved the dogs, didn’t you?” Fleur made a weird noise, but we both ignored it.

“Oh yes, I’ve never felt anything so amazing! But this time I want to try something different, if it wouldn’t be a problem. Would dolphins be possible?” This time, it was Taya’s turn to squeak.

“Probably, but are you sure? It might be a little much for you.”

“Don’t mind me, my lady. I can take it!”

“True. And it’s just a dream, so if it gets a little too intense, you’ll just wake up.” For some reason, both Fleur and my filly were blushing bright red. “Still, though, are you sure all you want is to be turned into different animals? Twilight could do the same thing with magic. Apparently there’s even a spell to turn someone into a housecat.” And that made it Fluttershy’s turn to blush.

“W-well… Becoming an animal in a dream is different than in real life. There’s no danger in a dream, after all. A-although if you w-want, I’d let Twilight turn me into a kitty so you can p-play with me!”

“A pet kitty would be cuter than Taya’s pet cockatrice, that’s true,” I said.

“I see,” Fleur said, sounding relieved for some reason. “So becoming an animal in a dream is possible, too…”

“Of course,” I said. “Why, what did you think we were talking about?”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it,” Fleur immediately replied.

“Personally, I thought you were talking about bringing animals into her dreams for her to have sex with,” Taya offered. Fluttershy’s blush grew even deeper and the wolf sitting next to her started glaring at my filly. Fleur actually face-hoofed. “But thank you for clearing it up, mommy!”

“Happy to help, but there are some things you shouldn’t say in public. This isn’t like Rarity’s fetish for crossdressing boys that everyone is aware of. Fluttershy actually has a reputation that can be damaged. Her dream requests have always been pure and wholesome. So you don’t need to worry about having your mind in the gutter.”

“Well, now I feel debased, given all of my dream requests,” Fleur muttered.

“C-can we… not talk about this?” Fluttershy whispered. Her face was still bright red.

“Fine, fine. Have you seen a deer this morning? We were supposed to meet one here, but our guide is nowhere to be found.”

“Well, we are a little early,” Fleur said. “But I was expecting our guide to be here early as well…”

“I haven’t seen any deer this morning, I’m afraid,” Fluttershy said. “I know she’s on the way, though. I asked a few birds and squirrels to keep an eye out for her in the forest. She should be here soon. Now that the breakfast line is properly in order, I’d be happy to show you around until she arrives!”

“If it wouldn’t be a problem, I’d be delighted to see everything,” I lied with a smile.

And so Fluttershy very happily showed us everything. At the moment, there wasn’t much more to the preserve than met the eye, but she was still very proud of it. Each piece of equipment was made to be easy enough for critters to use. We even got to see a few birds dropping seeds and grains into one of the silos. Apparently the goal was to make the facility mostly self-sufficient, so the animals would be fine if Fluttershy ever had to go on another journey. Even with that self-sufficiency, there was plenty of room for her overwhelming love.

Most importantly, I suppose, the animals all seemed happy.

Right around when Fluttershy was running out of friends to introduce us to, some birds flew out of the forest to land on her back. They chirped a few times and Fluttershy nodded. “Oh, she’s almost here? Is she taking the path?” One of the birds chirped a few more times and Fluttershy lifted an eyebrow. “In the snow? Well, I suppose it’s mostly dry now, further in. Still, hiking in the woods? Deer sure are hardy!”

“Is there a trail that leads all the way to their city?” I asked.

“There is,” Fluttershy replied. “Luna helped me connect a path from my house to the main road. It is fairly new, though, so it’s possible your guide just didn’t know about it. I’ll lead you to where she’ll be coming out.” She began walking toward the forest. We all followed, of course. “I do actually have a question for you, Nav. Do you… do you happen to know when we’ll be setting off on our journey again? I’d like to make arrangements beforehoof, if possible.”

“It’s possible that Celestia won’t make you accompany me anymore. Or at the very least, not for the next leg of the journey. The last fire elemental is in Tartarus, which is going to take a lot of preparation. I don’t think she’d want to put you and some of your friends at risk.”

“If any of us are going, all of us would like to go,” Fluttershy evenly replied. “It’s something we talked over between ourselves after you and Twilight went to the Zone without informing the rest of us.”

“Well… We might have a little more leeway when it comes to the Tartarus trip, so that might not be an issue. But we’ll be dealing with demons, Fluttershy. If you want to go, you’ll need to learn at least some basic self-defense skills.”

“I learned a little on the ship, but the guards who were teaching me all said I was best at running away…”

“Running away is the best self-defense skill you can have. If nobody can catch you, nobody can hurt you. If push comes to shove, just Forrest Gump your way through.”

“I… don’t know what that means, though?” Fluttershy said, looking back at me in confusion.

“That’s okay, you don’t need to,” I replied, patting her on the head.

“Ava said it’s from a movie,” Taya said. “Apparently Forrest was a character who was really good at running.”

“Who is… Ava?” Fleur asked. “Is that an elemental?”

“No, it’s the human ghost stuck to my body,” I said. “Taya uses her to understand human references when I don’t explain them.”

“She’s grateful for the attention, but talking to her in public is kinda hard,” Taya said. Her eyes suddenly looked behind and above me. “Because it’s like I’m talking to air, of course! I don’t wanna look as weird as mommy! I mean, I have to act normal enough for both of us, after all…”

“You’re right, it does look weird,” Fleur said. “Why are you able to see ghosts, Taya?”

“I used a spell.” Taya’s horn lit up and a light shot out of it and into Fleur’s eyes. “Isn’t it cool?”

“S-so… This is a g-ghost, I see?” Fleur said, looking behind me in fear. “Um. I can’t understand her, though?”

“Oh right, the translation spell. Forgot that one.” Taya’s horn lit up again and another light hit Fleur. “There you go!”

“Ah ha, I understand you now! It’s nice to meet you, Ava. I am Fleur, one of Navarone’s friends.” A few seconds passed. “O-oh. I… I see. Well, it’s still my first time meeting you, even if you’ve seen… plenty of me. W-wait, she disappeared!”

“It’s a pretty complex spell, actually,” Taya said. “I usually don’t make the effect last long. But it’s totally cool, right?”

“R-right…”

“Anyway, it probably won’t be an issue if you girls join us for the next campaign,” I said. “That said, I don’t know exactly when it’ll be. We’ll be sure to let everyone know once it’s decided.”

“Thank you, Nav,” Fluttershy replied with a nod.

When we got to the edge of the forest, I still couldn’t see the deer guide. Most of the forest was a dull grey or brown, so she’d probably blend in effortlessly. There were a few patches of green here and there, but spring hadn’t quite come in full force yet. There at least wasn’t too much snow, so walking through shouldn’t be overly difficult.

“There she is,” Fluttershy said, suddenly waving. I still couldn’t see anyone, but Fluttershy was probably used to hunting for critters in the forest.

That said, soon enough, the deer suddenly popped into view. Just like that, I could even hear her tender hoof-falls as she picked her way through the woods. Since this was the first deer I had ever really met, I couldn’t say much about her expression. However, if I had to guess, I’d say she was irritated.

“It’s a surprise that the first one who detected me was the pegasus,” the deer said. “I expected the predator to be more observant and the unicorns to be on the lookout for magic.” It’s nice to meet you, too. “My name is Glade. I am here to serve as a guide for Fleur de Lis to the city of Thicket.”

“So that was deer magic,” Taya said. “I knew something was approaching, but I wasn’t sure what.”

“I’m afraid my senses aren’t that strong,” Fleur said with a small smile. “I had no idea. But it’s nice to meet you, Glade. I am Fleur. Countess Navarone and her filly, Taya, will be accompanying us.”

“I am Navarone,” I said. “This is Taya, my filly. And technically, I’m an omnivore.”

“Oh, a true rarity. I also heard you were male, and yet…?”

“I got cursed by a demon.”

“...That’s quite the curse.” Her eyes finally turned toward the yellowest pony present. “It’s good to see you again, Fluttershy. I was entrusted with a message for you from his highness, King Aspen.”

“Oh, is another animal hurt? Should I go with you?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” the deer replied with her first smile. “He heard about your new business and would like permission to direct any animals in need toward you, assuming it’s something with which we could not assist.”

“Of course,” Fluttershy replied with a perfect smile. “Though if any critter has an infectious disease, I ask that you warn me beforehoof so I can make preparations.”

“Your reply will be transmitted.”

“As part of this sanctuary, we added a path from here to the main road,” Fluttershy said. “You’re welcome to use it whenever you visit.”

“The path was created for the rare pony guest,” Glade said. “Deer have no need for roads. However, since it will be more convenient for our guests, will you lead us to it?”

“Happily!” And so Fluttershy once more got to lead us around, this time to the well-made path leading into the trees. I decided the most effective way to not offend the deer was to say nothing, so I diligently did my duty.

When we got to the path, the deer followed it with her eyes before grunting. “This was made using magic, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, it was fantastic!” Fluttershy said. “I asked Luna if it was possible to just move the trees without cutting them down and she actually had a spell for it! The trees just moved aside for her! I’ve never seen anything like it. After that, she flattened the earth, then hardened the dirt to the point where it was as strong as stone.”

“Building roads through the Everfree is going to be easier than I thought,” I said. “If we don’t even have to cut any trees or transport building material, we could finish in no time!”

“You said… Luna, correct?” Glade asked. “Is that Princess Luna?”

“She’s not a princess anymore, but that’s her,” Fluttershy said. “She was quite helpful! I’m sure she’d make building up the Everfree a breeze, Nav.”

“I’m sure,” I said. “Now, are we ready to go? I don’t want to keep King Aspen waiting. And Fluttershy needs to get back to wrapping up winter.”

“True, we should not waste time,” the deer said. “I shall lead the way. Please keep up.”

“I’ll get back to organizing the animal brigade,” Fluttershy said. “I’ll see you all when you get back. Have fun with the deer!”

“I’m sure we will,” Fleur said. “See you soon, Fluttershy.”

I booped Fluttershy as payment for guiding us, then we began following the deer down the path. Fluttershy waved at us for a moment before returning to the much smaller line of animals.

“I didn’t think it would get colder in the forest,” Taya said, her horn lighting up. The air around us suddenly got warmer and she grinned. “Well, that’s what magic is for.”

“There’s less sun in the forest, so of course it’s colder,” Glade said. “That’s why there’s still so much snow left despite the advent of spring. You will see less of it as we get closer to Thicket, the center of our weather-governing magic. There, spring is already in full bloom.”

“You’re much better than Ponyville at regulating the weather, then,” I said. “I know the pegasi are usually in charge of the weather in most of Equestria. Do the deer have some kind of artifact or is it just a part of your magic?”

“It is part of the magic we have for controlling our domain. It is, of course, high level ritual magic that not many can make use of. This magic is not unique to the deer, but only those with a strong affinity for nature could cast it. Your filly, for example, could probably cast it with a decade or two of effort.”

“Sounds boring,” Taya said. “I bet Twilight could figure out a few shortcuts and make it work in a few days.”

“Twilight’s also a genius-level magic researcher,” I said. “Plus, I doubt she has a high affinity for nature magic.”

“Her affinity for all types of magic is as high as it can go, actually,” Taya said. “Apparently it’s part of being the Element of Magic. Or maybe it was one of the requirements she had to satisfy to become the Element? She wasn’t sure which.”

“That said, is this magic something that can be shared with outsiders?” I asked.

“We make all of the magic we don’t use for combat available for those willing to pay for it,” the deer said. “However, deer do not use gold. You’d have to part with something we’d find equally valuable. I’ve heard tell that you have quite a large amount of forbidden and lost knowledge, Countess. Some of that could be quite valuable to us.”

“Magic to control weather would be valuable given that I’m going to try taming the Everfree. However, I’ll need some time to think before deciding to trade information.”

“I would have expected a true predator to latch onto an offer like that. I see the mind of an omnivore is not so easily captivated.”

“I’m bad at living up to expectations. I do hope you’ll forgive me. We tried doing some research before we left Canterlot, but we weren’t able to find out too much about the deer or your city. Can you tell us what to expect, and maybe a few things about your people?”

“It is no surprise you were able to find little information about us. Ponies care little for other races, something I’m sure you’ve felt quite acutely. It came as quite a surprise when we were contacted about sending a representative to a pony event.”

“There’s a lot of information about other races in pony books, but not about deer,” I said. “Most of the information I was able to obtain pointed at your kind being relatively secretive and close-knit, to the point where few visitors enter and fewer deer leave.”

“Well, it is true that we tend to have little to do with the other races. Life tends to be safer that way.”

“But much less interesting,” Fleur said. “Besides, Equestria is quite safe as it is now, as long as you stay in the cities. Even monster attacks are rare unless you’re near a cursed location.”

“Monster attacks in our forest are nonexistent. Crime is also quite common in Equestria, from what I hear.”

“Depends on where you go,” I said. “The only crimes that happened in Ponyville were accidental ones, for example. Sometimes a few old ponies will forget to pay at a restaurant or someone will trespass somewhere they didn’t realize was private. But some of the larger cities have organized crime. Sometimes there’s blatant corruption, too. Is crime uncommon in deer cities or is it nonexistent?”

“Extremely uncommon to the point where it might as well be nonexistent,” Glade said with a smile.

“It’s easier with a smaller, insulated population. But if it’s just extremely uncommon, I imagine the punishments are severe.”

“Criminals are sold to the griffins and dragons,” our guide casually replied.

“Wait, what?” Taya asked. Fleur missed a step and stumbled, but didn’t comment.

“Our society extolls nature. Our punishments are in line with our philosophy. As such, all dissenters are sold to griffins or dragons.”

“That makes sense,” I said. “Celestia’s been doing similar things with her political prisoners for a while.”

“How does that make sense?” Taya asked. “If you steal, you get sold as a slave or maybe even eaten? How’s that fair?!”

“It discourages stealing,” I said. “Authoritarian governments have been doing it since the dawn of time. In my world, there were some places where stealing would end up with one of your hands chopped off. My understanding is that changelings kill their criminals, too.”

“That’s not right!”

“What is right?” the deer asked. “Should the thief have no penalties?”

“Of course, but you shouldn’t chop off a limb because somebody stole an apple!”

“Then what price is fair?” the deer asked. “What penalty can one pay for committing a crime?”

“That should depend on the context of the crime,” Taya said. “If a starving deer stole an apple, they shouldn’t get sold to griffins!”

“There is no context,” the deer said. “Crime is crime and it must be punished.”

“But—”

“Taya,” I said, putting a hand on her head. She calmed herself, thankfully. “That’s just how authoritarians are. They pick their dogma and their tribe and stick to it.”

“But what about everybody else?”

“They don’t care about everybody else. Glade, how much of your own history do you know?”

“I’m very well versed,” she said.

“I know basically nothing about it, so please let me know how close this sounds to you. At the founding of your nation, the first leader said something along the lines of forming a coalition with the common interest of defending against predators.”

“Correct,” she replied with a nod. “The deer race convened as a confederacy for common protection.”

“Thus, you have the tribes,” I said. “Predators versus prey, specifically the deer. You have one person, or maybe a small group of people, who sees an opportunity for power and uses a common scary enemy to unite the people behind him.”

“How kind of you to assign motive to our founder,” our guide sarcastically replied. “Perhaps he just wanted to protect his people from being eaten!”

“By giving people he says are evil to the predators as food?”

“Correct.”

“And by whose definition of evil are you going by?”

“Society’s, of course.”

This is going in circles. “To continue our history lesson, I imagine the original king cut off all external communication and limited all contact with the outside world. This was likely under the guise of keeping them safe from the scary predators.”

“Again, correct,” our guide said.

“In the beginning, there were probably crackdowns and purges to deal with dissenters. There are always those who stand in the way of progress and security, after all. If I had to guess, I’d say the king probably paid off a few griffins or dragons to create a lot of trouble to make it seem like he was just doing it to keep people safe. That’s called false-flagging and it’s extremely common among authoritarians.”

“Again, how kind of you to assign motive to our founder. And to say he colluded with predators is akin to treason!”

“Uh huh. Were there a lot of predator attacks in the beginning?”

“...Until we were able to get things properly secure.”

“And once those crackdowns were finished, the king was left with a scared, insulated population that he could do with as he pleased. A few thousand years later, you have an entire society built around feeding their own undesirables to predators, saying it’s for the greater good.”

“While living in comfort and decadence,” our guide huffily replied.

“Oh yeah, it’s great for everyday Joe Blow,” I said. “Your average deer is gonna love the system. It works perfectly for them. All their needs are met, they’re surrounded by a warm community, and they feel safe. But the instant you do the wrong thing, you become dinner.”

“...It astounds me that you were able to guess their history based on a single conversation,” Fleur said.

“It follows a formula,” I replied. “That’s how most authoritarian movements begin. Celestia did the same thing in Equestria on a much larger scale, taking over almost half the planet. There were a few governments in my time that exterminated millions of dissenters, but they didn’t last anywhere near as long as Celestia. Living in Equestria has been a very eye-opening experience for me.”

“You certainly won’t be welcome to live in Thicket,” our guide said.

“Why would anybody want to?” Taya asked.

“It has its upsides,” I said. “Like I said, it’s great for the average person. Equestria’s the same way. Generally low crime outside a few major cities, no war, stable economy. But if you ask the wrong question, you disappear. If you say the wrong thing, you disappear. As long as you fit the appropriate mold, you’re just fine. Any deviation will be punished.”

“And what alternative is there?” the deer asked. “Allow the griffins to hunt us freely? Surrender before them as mindless animals?”

“It’s not like the griffins are just gonna swoop in one day and start snatching deer away,” Taya said.

“What would stop them, if not for our king?” the deer asked.

“Common decency,” I replied. “This is what happens when you insulate people enough. I bet you’ve never met a griffin, have you?”

“I wouldn’t be speaking to you if I had!”

“Man, those hooks are in deep. This might be a lost cause, Fleur.”

“There’s no such thing as a lost cause,” she sweetly said. “Perhaps we should have brought Princess Gilda!”

“Gilda probably isn’t the first predator you’d want them to meet,” I said. “Her pride can make her a little prickly. Spike or Doppel would be better choices. I really don’t know why you dragged me to this. I’m probably the worst representative you got.”

“You are the reason there is a pageant, Nav. I hope King Aspen will respect that. If nothing else, you are a force with which to be reckoned,” Fleur said. “An entity all unto your own, outside of predator or prey.”

“...You mean an omnivore?” Taya asked. “Because she already said that.”

“She meant that I transcend troublesome titles such as that,” I said. “Which I guess is technically true, since I am mostly human.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” the deer asked.

“Humanity is the race that came before all others,” I replied. “After the demon called Discord caused a war that eradicated a huge portion of life on the planet, the humans created new life and made life-like entities to guide them down their evolutionary chain. A few million years later, here we are.”

“That’s utterly nonsense,” she said with all the assurance of someone who’s been lied to all her life.

“Taya, lie detector.” She nodded. “The sky is green.” Her horn lit up. “Go ahead, say any lie you want.”

“...Grass is blue,” the deer said. Taya’s horn stayed alight. “Grass is green?” The light vanished.

“Discord killed off humanity millions of years ago and right before we died off for good, we created a bunch of new races,” I replied. The light stayed down. “Water is dry.” Her horn lit up. “There, happy?”

“Not really,” the deer slowly said. “So what happened to Discord?”

“He’s still alive,” I replied. “At the moment, he’s working up to his next big genocide. For reference, his last one was around six thousand years ago, when he eradicated the alicorn empire and created the ponies and changelings.”

“Good thing we’re safe here,” the doe sighed, shivering slightly. “That just means we have even more reason to stay in our groves!”

“I guess if you’re boring,” I said. “I bet nothing exciting ever happens here.”

“We have wonderful events all the time!” she quickly said. “We have all kinds of amazing holidays!”

“Ooh, like what?” Fleur asked, jumping in to move the conversation back to a more friendly topic. I slowed down so she could walk next to the deer. Taya and I fell a few steps behind them.

“Do you hear that?” I whispered.

“The singing is getting louder,” Taya whispered back. “The deer city is supposed to be full of nature magic, right? If the singing gets loud enough, will we even be able to hear what the deer are saying?”

“Darya, can you mute it?”

After a few moments… nothing happened. “If I’m honest, I can’t even hear what you’re talking about,” Darya finally replied in my head. “I can block normal music, but this seems to be magical in nature.”

“I can tell that you’re hearing something, but at the moment, we can’t seem to do anything about it,” Flo added. “We’ll continue working on it, but I make no guarantees.”

“They can’t block it yet, but they’re working on it,” I whispered down to my filly.

“So why are we whispering, anyway?” Taya asked in my head.

“Because I forgot this was an option,” I replied back, also using Darya. “Learning about the deer culture frazzled me a little.”

“Do you think the griffins and dragons really eat the deer they buy?”

“The griffins may be predators, but I think most of them are civilized enough to not eat anything sapient. However, I’m sure there’s a niche for it. I could easily see some corrupt nobles paying for the privilege of eating something that can talk. I’ll discuss it with Princess Gilda. As for the dragons… Probably. Not all dragons would eat someone sapient, but a dragon has actually tried eating me before so I know there are some who don’t care.”

“Can you… talk to Pyrite about that?”

“There are two main groups of dragons, to my knowledge. Those in Iceland, led by Pyrite, and the migratory dragons, who are led by some kind of dragon royalty. I could ask Pyrite to keep an eye out for it, but I really don’t want to deal with him if I don’t absolutely have to. And when I almost got eaten by a dragon, it was during one of their great migrations. I’m not in a hurry to meet them again.”

“Well… I guess it’s not our problem. You said the changelings also kill their criminals, right?”

“That’s my understanding, but it may have changed. It seems like they got slightly better since their source of food stabilized. Do you think we should try to jump back into the conversation?” At the moment, they were still talking about deer festivals. Apparently they had one every full moon, plus several more besides.

After a few seconds passed and Taya hadn’t replied, I realized she also stopped walking. When I looked back, I saw she was staring at one of the trees along the path and frowning. “There’s something wrong with this tree,” Taya said aloud.

Our guide immediately stopped to look. When she saw the tree, she frowned for a moment before smiling and looking at my filly. “What makes you say that?” Glade asked.

“Its song sounds sad. Although… It sounds like several trees around it are also in pain!”

“It actually does sound like that,” I replied, eyes wide. “I wasn’t really paying attention, but their song sounds different.”

“I could tell by looking that you both had strong connections to nature, but this is a surprise. I didn’t expect you could hear the song. Not many of us have that particular ability. I don’t have it, myself, but you are correct that these trees are ill. There’s a disease affecting them. I only noticed after you mentioned it. I will have healers dispatched when we return. You have our gratitude for noticing this.”

“...I didn’t realize the song actually meant anything,” Taya said. “I guess it’s good I was paying attention.”

“You said it’s an ability other deer possess,” I said. “If I’m honest, we both picked this skill up recently. I do know a little about how it works, but I also didn’t realize it could be used for diagnostics like this. Do you think any of the deer would be willing to teach us about it?”

“I will ask, but you should not get your hopes up. Shall we continue?”

“Yes, by all means,” I replied with a nod. And so our group began moving again. This time, our guide actually seemed a little nicer as she answered Fleur’s many questions.

After about an hour of walking, our guide suddenly stopped. I wasn’t quite sure why, since there was nothing that indicated this part of the path was any different from the rest of it. The only strange thing was that the singing from the trees was very quiet, even though we were in the middle of the forest.

“Is this the legendary barrier?” Fleur asked.

“It is indeed,” Glade replied. “Though I’m surprised the ponies consider it a legend.”

“Well, I only found a single mention of it in an old encyclopedia that called it a legendary piece of ancient magic,” Fleur said. “But none of the other books I read mentioned it, so I wondered if it was actually real.”

“So are we standing in a barrier?” I asked. “Is that why the trees are quiet, there aren’t any birds singing, and there’s no wind?”

“We aren’t standing in it, it’s right in front of us,” Taya said. “That’s some pretty stealthy magic. I didn’t even realize it was there until you mentioned it.”

“This is part of our city’s defense,” Glade proudly said. “It’s a barrier that turns around anyone who isn’t accompanied by a deer, considered one of our friends, or is exceptionally gifted at magic. It’s quite comforting to learn that it works against omnivores.”

“So, this barrier must be why I never found the deer city,” I said. “I used to walk through this forest a lot when I lived in Ponyville, but I didn’t even realize there was a city here until after I left. How far are we from Thicket now?”

“Once we pass the barrier, we’ll be on the outskirts. The other deer are aware that visitors are coming, but guests are rare here. I wanted to warn you before we step inside. You’ll be in the receiving end of many stares. Especially you, Countess.”

“I understand,” I said with a nod. “As long as it stops at staring, I won’t mind.”

“Yes, I imagine you tend to attract a lot of them. Are you all prepared?”

“My body is ready!” Taya proudly replied.

“Lead the way,” I said with a nod.

“I’m quite eager to finally see the deer city,” Fleur added. “Shall we?”

And so we did. The path that I always thought was a loop turned out to actually lead to one of the few deer capitals. I guess that’s a world of magic for you.

“It’s… quiet,” Taya whispered. “But beautiful!”

“I guess if there are deer who can hear it, they’d have to take steps to tone it down,” I replied. “The city is pretty neat looking, too. A city on the side of a cliff is cool, but nothing says fantasy quite like a city made of living trees. If I’m honest, it’s hard to tell where the dense forest ended and the city begins.”

“I regret not being able to hear the song they keep mentioning, but I must admit the city has quite the charm,” Fleur said, looking around in wonder. “The trees that make up these houses are grown into these shapes, correct?”

All the snow was gone and the air felt quite warm. The flowers weren’t in bloom yet, but several of the house-trees were starting to produce buds. Each house was made of several different types of trees, all grown together like some kind of tree Frankenstein’s monster. Thankfully, they looked and smelled much nicer. Oddly enough, none of them had doors or window panes.

Despite being on the outskirts, several deer were out and about. Sure enough, all of them were staring at us, though it felt like most of their eyes were actually on me. There really wasn’t that much variety in the deer, aside from their age. Most looked just like the deer from my time, though it was obvious from the judgemental stares that they were intelligent.

I could barely see the sky with all the trees in the way, but it seemed to have a golden hue to it that gave the air a strange feeling. It reminded me of Celestia’s garden, something she kept perpetually in bloom using some kind of overpowered ritual magic. It was probably something she bought or stole from the deer, if I had to guess. There’s no way she would have ever shared something like that with anyone else.

The trees were still singing, but it was quiet and gentle. I dubbed it the Deer City Background Music. It seemed perfect for a fae village. Between the treehouses, the judgmental stares, the golden air, and the music, I finally concluded the deer were essentially shittier versions of elves. If I’m honest, that made me lose almost all my interest in the day’s trip, but I forced myself to suck it up and deal with it.

“It can take generations to grow trees into shapes like these,” the guide proudly said, answering Fleur’s question. “And each owner can slowly modify their home with different seeds and splicing. You can’t tell yet, but many of these homes grow several types of fruit. They’ll be quite fantastic in another few months!”

“I hope we’ll be able to visit again soon, then,” Fleur said, still looking around in wonder.

“Are there no guards?” Taya asked. “I know the barrier is impressive, but shouldn’t there be someone here?”

“There is no need for us to be on guard against anything strong enough to break through the barrier,” the guide replied. “It would be capable of killing us all whether or not we tried resisting, after all. Fighting would only mean dying tired. Besides, we haven’t had any violent visitors in several hundred years. The only ones who come are those like Fluttershy, who seek only to help others, and master mages, who seek us out for our magic. Even if we did want to put out guards, patrolling the entire border of the city would be unrealistic. There aren’t enough soldiers here.”

Is that really something you should be telling to foreign nobles? “Do the soldiers here patrol at all, or are they solely for emergencies?” I asked.

“They’re for events and emergencies, for the most part,” she replied.

“What about crime?” Taya asked.

“Crime is an emergency,” the deer stuffily replied. “Not that it happens enough to warrant patrolling for it. The deer living in this city don’t feel enough fear to warrant soldiers everywhere, not like the Equestrians.”

“If I’m honest, the Equestrian guards don’t make me feel safe,” I said. “Most of them aren’t competent. For a small nation like this, defended by a powerful barrier, keeping a select group of elite soldiers makes more sense. Anyway, shall we get going?”

“Yes, of course,” Glade said. “This way, please.” She began leading the way again. All the conversations around us went silent as all the deer stopped whatever they were doing to stare at us. It was like they had some way of detecting us coming. Even whispering would have been less eerie than the total silence that surrounded us.

So it wasn’t surprising that we wanted to fill it. “Where are the male deer?” Taya finally asked. “I’ve only seen females.”

“We’ve passed several,” I replied. “They were standing right alongside the does, Taya.”

“None of the deer we’ve passed had antlers, though.”

“Antlers break off after the rut ends,” I said. “Or at least, that’s how it worked in my time.” Darya, point out the male deer for her.

“...I’m surprised someone not well-versed in our society would know of that,” Glade slowly said. “The rut you mentioned likely corresponds to our mating season. Quite a crude term for it, but it gets the meaning across. Buck antlers grow before it begins and fall off after it ends. Most of the antlers are converted into tools or crafts.”

“Are they for sale?” I asked. “Stag equipment is beautiful. I imagine the crafts would be cool, too.”

“We have no use for gold, but we do allow outsiders to barter for them. Typical payments involve food that’s hard to get in forests, crafts and tools of a similar quality, or drugs.”

“Drugs?” Fleur said.

“Equestrians have recently been producing an amazing substance called alcohol,” the deer replied with one of the most genuine smiles we’d seen all day. “Some Equestrians also use salt and other things to produce exquisite feelings. Deer are always on the market for such products.”

“That’s good to know,” I said with a smile of my own. Producing highly refined alcohol was something I intended to do with my village. Adding a weed farm would be simple. If I had trouble selling drugs in Equestria, I could trade them to the deer for goods that I could turn around and sell in Equestria for gold.

“...You may call yourself an omnivore, but you still have a predator’s smile,” Glade muttered.

“Realistically speaking, an omnivore is just the best of both worlds,” I said. “The temperament of prey with the mind of a predator. I’m fairly different, mentally speaking, from most other races in the world.” Add on a bunch of trauma and whatnot and you get a fun mix. “Besides, it’s not like the smile was a bad one. As it happens, Celestia has tasked me with founding a village next to the Everfree. Two of the things my village will produce are the drugs of which you speak. I was thinking it was fortuitous that I’d have products in which my neighbors would be interested.”

“You were definitely thinking something villainous,” Taya said. “I know that smile.”

“Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.” And stop trying to make me look bad. That part was transmitted through Darya. Taya muttered, but didn’t talk back.

“Has the princess approved your plan to produce drugs?” Fleur quietly asked.

“She didn’t tell me not to, and she knew where all the recipes for alcohol in Equestria came from. It’s illegal to import it into Equestria, but there haven’t been any problems so far from producing it domestically. I should point out, however, that too much alcohol at once will straight up kill you.”

“An acceptable risk,” Glade replied, not missing a beat.

“Far be it from me to tell a customer how to live his or her life,” I said with a shrug. “Whatever a product is used for when it’s no longer in my hands is no responsibility of mine, as long as the customer is at least warned about the dangers.”

“A commendable attitude,” Glade said. “Truly the mindset of a merchant.”

“Isn’t that incredibly irresponsible?” Fleur asked. “You’re producing things that can kill someone, then selling them off while refusing to take responsibility for what they do?”

“A lot of things can kill,” I said, booping her. “At the end of the day, I can’t let myself take responsibility for someone else’s actions.”

“If they’re only in a bad position because you enabled their behavior by producing poison, isn’t that your fault in the end?”

“It only becomes poison in a high enough quantity,” the deer replied for me. “If a deer dies because of it, that is solely the fault of the deer who drank too much of it. The many shouldn’t suffer the loss of such a wonderful product because of the stupidity of a few. The same goes for crime. Why should the many be oppressed by guards in the streets for the criminal acts of a few?”

“Yes, I think the deer might make for good trading partners after all,” I said with another smile.

“I swear, it sends shivers down my spine,” the deer whispered, looking away from me.

“It’s a good thing you never claimed to be a hero, lady countess,” Fleur said with a sigh, sounding quite tired.

“I have, in fact, claimed the opposite many times. I wouldn’t quite say I’m a villain, but I’m probably a bad person. It’s okay, though. Soon I’m going to be a bad person who’s swimming in sweet, sweet profits. I can donate as much money as I need to refill my karma meter.”

“Please pick something other than a clown college,” Taya said.

“Of course.”

“The buildings are starting to look much more complex and elaborate,” Fleur said, forcefully changing the topic. “Do they get older the closer we get to the center?”

“That’s right,” Glade said. “The king and queen live in the tree palace at the center of the grove. In time, all the tree homes will grow and meld together with the palace and it will slowly spread its influence across the entire forest.” And Celestia’s just okay with that? I guess losing a forest doesn’t matter much when the nearby village doesn’t use it anyway.

“Do the deer living in those houses have to move when that happens?” Fleur asked.

“No. They get the privilege of joining the royal staff in taking care of the palace.”

“Do deer have ranks outside of the royalty?” I asked. “Things like nobles or other officials.”

“We do have some nobility, yes. However, they have to earn the titles. Children of nobles are not counted as part of the nobility unless they earn titles of their own. They all manage different parts of the forest. There’s a noble for agriculture, the barrier, the magic sustaining the environment, and several others. It’s unlikely that you’ll meet them today. Each is quite busy.”

“Understandable, if disappointing,” Fleur replied. “I’m quite impressed by the magic keeping up the weather. It reminds me of Celestia’s garden.”

“The ponies have purchased several magicks from us. That is likely one of them.”

“No, the magic in the garden is different,” Taya said. “Really similar, though. Celestia probably modified it.”

Glade snorted. “As if perfection can be improved upon.”

“A modification isn’t the same as an improvement,” Taya said. “She changed the mental effect the barrier produces. I think the purpose is to make whoever’s in the garden calm instead of openly influencing them.”

“Ah, so that’s how she manages her menagerie of wildly different animals,” I said. “I guess it would make sense to have a garden that calms the people who walk through it, too.” Although knowing the mare she used to be, it was probably for a more sinister purpose. The first time I met her, she took me on a walk through the gardens… I noticed that magic was there, but I didn’t realize how it was affecting me.

Judging by the frown on her face, Fleur was probably thinking something similar. Thankfully, she knew that wasn’t something to talk about in another nation. “Perhaps I should have studied up on my magic a bit more when I was a filly,” Fleur said. “Taya, your sensitivity and knowledge are incredible. Do you think you could do something like modifying magic?”

“No, it’s too dangerous for me,” Taya said. “Especially something this powerful. It might turn into a bomb in—Actually, maybe I’ll try it after all! An incomplete spell has a lot of destructive power, right?”

“No, it unleashes chaos magic all over the place,” I said. “Don’t do it, trust me. Something crazy might happen, like getting turned into a pegasus. It also screws up the environment all around the epicenter, warping reality to an almost dangerous degree for years and years.”

“Isn’t that how you got your wings?” Fleur asked.

“Yes, which is why I know it’s not worth it. I was lucky it ended with me turning into a pegasus for a week. Or at least, that the effects on me personally ended that way. As far as I know, the land it happened on is still messed up.”

“What happened to the one who used the magic?” Glade asked.

“She disappeared, only to show up later, insane and a lot more powerful. She was also working for Discord, the genocidal enemy to all life. I beat her up and sold her as a slave to a demon from Tartarus.” Fleur groaned and facehooved.

“Oh ho, so you even have contacts in Tartarus, of all places,” Glade said. “That’s quite impressive. We tried selling some of our criminals to the demons early on, but in the end, we elected to stick with griffins and dragons. If you don’t mind me asking, what did he offer in exchange?”

“His help. I’m not quite sure what goods they might have to offer. Most of what demons offer are services. This particular demon was an alphyn, one of the native races of Tartarus. He was originally summoned by the insane unicorn, but didn’t want to work with her. He helped me beat her and in exchange, I helped him get revenge on her.” Though the look of utter terror on her face as she sunk into the pits of hell was good revenge for me, too. “You said before you didn’t have guards. You might be able to trade slaves to demons for protection, instead. You know, on the off chance anything makes it through the barrier.”

“Quite the interesting take. I’m beginning to see why King Aspen decided to grant you an audience.”

“Nav, do you remember your promise?” Fleur quietly asked.

“Hey, I’m just having a conversation,” I replied with a shrug. “It’s not my fault our guide is more interesting than I thought. I mean, you talk about summoning demons in Canterlot and people get a lot more pale. You actually seem to have a pulse, Miss Glade.”

“The ultimate joy of prey is to welcome death whenever it comes,” Glade said. “There is no room for fear in our lives. To us, demons are just another way that death may come.”

“Then why’s everyone just staring at us?” Taya asked. “If they aren’t afraid, why aren’t they talking?”

“It’s just to make us feel unwelcome,” I said, patting her back. “Don’t pay them any mind, Taya. We aren’t here at their invitation, but their king’s.”

“Do you have any sense of restraint at all?” Fleur hissed.

“Now you know why Rarity’s stuck making me so many dresses. But fine, I’ll stop talking. Happy?” She probably wasn’t, but it made Glade giggle. Fleur groaned and wrenched control of the conversation back. Since she wanted to be the center of attention for a while, I let her take over.

“This place is eerie,” Taya said in my head.

“Seriously. We’ve probably passed a few hundred deer, but it’s been so utterly silent. I was hoping to have more of a glimpse at their society, but this… We’re clearly not welcome here, are we?”

“Do we really want to be welcome in a society where they sell their own as food?” Taya asked. “That seems kinda scummy.”

“True. But it’s also true that the world outside their bubble is scary. It’s clearly not as bad as they think it is, though. Fleur’s goal with this trip is to help them realize that. So even if this place is eerie and even if their behavior does seem kinda scummy, we have to play nice. Especially when we get before their king. Don’t do anything except introduce yourself.”

“Don’t worry, mommy. I’ll leave it to you to ruin everything.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. It’s good we can talk in front of them like this. If not, I probably would have lost my mind. Seriously, can they do anything but stare? Actually…”

I finally realized part of why it all felt so uncomfortable. Every buck around us seemed to be paired with a doe. It seemed too perfect to be mere chance. Everywhere I looked, I found two pairs of eyes watching us. I realized it had been the same since we arrived.

“Glade, I have a question,” I said, breaking into Fleur’s pointless conversation about flowers.

“I’d be happy to answer,” our guide evenly replied. It actually did seem like she was more interested in dealing with me than with Fleur, oddly enough.

“I’ve noticed something about the deer around us. Bucks seemed paired with does. It took a while to notice, but they’re all prepared to run, covering for each other in groups of two. For them to be this in sync… Are deer paired off at birth?”

“That’s quite the eye you have, Countess,” Glade said with a laugh. “Indeed, bucks are paired with doe at birth. They spend all their time together, from birth until death.”

“That’s… interesting,” Fleur said. “So spouses are determined at birth?”

“Correct, Lady Fleur,” Glade replied. “There are exceptions to this, but it holds true for the common deer.”

“It seems to work out pretty well, all things told,” I said. “You said they spend all their time together. Is that literal?

“Indeed. Where a buck goes, the doe follows. When a doe wanders, the buck hurries behind her.”

“Sounds romantic. How are partners decided? Do the parents pick or is it some kind of lottery?”

“The king picks. It is all part of his plan.”

“Interesting! I wonder if he has a eugenics plan of his own going on. And there’s never any unplanned pregnancies or anything?”

“Such incidences of rebellion were stamped out long ago. Any children that aren’t born under the king’s guidance are no children of the deer. Such abominations were quickly and harshly dealt with.”

Who’s the prey, again? Jesus. “Ah. That was my last question, thank you.” Letting Fleur take over seemed like a pretty good idea, after all. She did so with relish, once again turning the talk toward flowers.

“I think I wanna go home,” Taya said in my head, looking around in disgust.

“Get that look off your face,” I said. “You can’t openly disdain others. Keep your judgement to yourself, like the deer are now. You could learn something from their blank, emotionless stares.”

“This place is super creepy, though,” she said. “I’m not sure if you can tell, but the nature magic is getting stronger the closer we get to the center. There’s a low-level brainwash effect.”

“Is that targeting us, or is it just in the air?”

“Just in the air, probably part of the barrier. It’s actually avoiding all four of us, but it’s surrounding all the other deer. It’s not enough to actually control them, but it can at least influence their emotions. Whatever’s powerful enough to control this magic is something we don’t want to make an enemy.”

“No wonder Celestia decided it wasn’t worth the effort to conquer them. Some stones are better left unturned. Do you think there’s actually a mage controlling this, or is there a source for this power?”

“From what I can sense, all the trees here are connected at the roots. They’re providing the energy necessary, I think. When we get closer to the big tree, I’ll know for sure. That said, someone still has to actually control that power. The deer would probably be able to tap into it as long as they’re within the barrier, but I don’t think they could take advantage of it outside the city.”

“Do you think you’d have issues escaping, if it came to it?”

“I… think I can teleport within the barrier, but there’s no way I can get us outside of it. But once we’re on the other side, I can get us away with no problem.”

“Well… Let’s prioritize not having to run away in the first place. Activate cute mode. Do your best.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing your cute mode in action too, mommy,” she bitterly replied. With that, the bored look on her face was quickly replaced by a gentle smile. She began looking around in wonder, occasionally oohing and ahhing.

Flo, I put you in charge of my cute mode. I believe in you.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” she replied. “But isn’t this something you should perfect on your own?”

No, don’t be ridiculous. I have you two to help me make up for my weaknesses, right? We can maybe practice or something later, but this isn’t the right time to be practicing. It’s better to get it right. If that means entrusting it to a third party, so be it.

“Sounds like an excuse made up on the spot, to me,” she retorted.

Fine, be that way. Darya, I put you in charge of my cute mode. I believe in you.

“Understood, my lady,” she replied. “I would never do anything to let you down, after all. Then if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking control and dumping you back into your mind. So you can be alone together with Flo. Enjoy!”

I didn’t have time to regret my decision before ending up back inside Flo’s glade. The regret started kicking in right as I was picked up and hugged from behind. “Hello, Navi,” Flo warmly said.

“Greetings. Darya, please don’t go too overboard. I don’t want Fleur to get her expectations up.”

“I shall keep that recommendation in mind, my lady.”

My regret suddenly skyrocketed, but I wasn’t given time to change my mind. “So why did you ignore my advice, hm?” Flo sweetly asked, gently rocking me back and forth.

“Why did you ignore my point of view, hm? At least I had a reason for my choice. You just disregarded it entirely, calling it an excuse.”

“That’s because I know part of why you wanted me to take over was because you didn’t want to be bothered. The reason I’m not even more upset is because you also didn’t want to make Fleur look bad. However, I’m not sure that leaving her to deal with the entire meeting with the king on her own is wise. Once the introductions are over, you should definitely take back over. And be on your best behavior, of course. Just pretend that he’s a single wrong word away from executing both you and Taya.”

“Given what Taya said earlier, that might be possible. Now, shall we enjoy the view? If nothing else, their city really is pretty.” I summoned a TV with surround sound so I could see and hear through my own body.

“I’ll let you get away with changing the subject this time, but only because it actually is pretty neat. I was once seen as a deity of the forest, yet my imagination never dreamed up something as wondrous as this.”

“Wow, you got beaten by the deer? Oof.”

“Don’t make me snuggle you tighter.”

That sounded scary, so I stopped and watched the scenery pass instead. Darya wasn’t participating in the conversation, so I could safely ignore it and focus on the cool tree houses. They were getting progressively larger and more intricate the further we went. All the deer inside seemed to be staring at us in silence, too. Now that I saw it from the outside, it honestly felt like a horror movie.

“...I hope we’re not walking into an ambush,” I whispered.

“The king surely wouldn’t do something as stupid as officially inviting two Equestrian nobles to an ambush,” Flo replied. “I can protect you and Taya from any brainwashing effect. Fleur’s a risk, but if Taya can detect it, we can move to protect her. I do agree that this behavior is unbecoming of the deer, though. I get that they aren’t used to guests, but this is a little much!”

“It has to be on purpose, right? Did they all get together and decide this before we showed up or is this part of the brainwash effect? There’s no way every single one of them would have the same reaction at the same time unless they actually practice this. Imagine having a drill where you have to stop whatever you’re doing and stare blankly at someone until they’re not in sight. This place is crazy!”

“The point is probably to unnerve us, and it’s certainly working.”

“Should I make silly faces?” Darya asked from the speakers. “Maybe we can make them change expressions.”

“Silly isn’t cute. Well, unless Pinkie is involved, but she’s only fake cute, not real cute. Point is, no silly faces. We’ll just keep ignoring these creeps.”

“As you wish, my lady.” Thankfully, the tree castle was finally in view. The first leg of our journey through the trees of judgment was almost at an end.

“We’re almost there,” Fleur said directly in our minds. “You better not have just left this to your elementals, Nav and Taya!”

“How’d you know?!” Taya demanded. “Wait, the eye color! Flo, you gave it away!”

“What, you’ll help her, but not me?” I asked. “She made me use Darya!”

“Permission has been rescinded,” Darya said. “Returning control of your body.” I had just enough time to sigh before I was jolted back to reality. Fleur was still carrying on with the guide. Taya was muttering and glaring at Fleur’s back, but quickly returned to the perfect cute mode. Since my cute mode was always on, I didn’t have any extra work.

The castle we were walking up to was easily the largest collection of trees I had ever seen. They all hung off each other, forming a large mass of wood and leaves that gradually got higher and higher. With all the foliage, though, I could barely see much except the front of it. Even this place seemingly had no guards, though several deer that were previously walking around and inside the palace were currently stopped to stare at us. Their blank looks were the same as those from the deer we already passed. The only difference is that these deer were better groomed, had a larger variety of colors, and one or two even had accessories.

Glade led the way straight through the overly ornate front doors. The entryway was quite spacious, but at this point, looking around and staring might be seen as rude. To that end, I focused on how I walked in an attempt to look slightly more graceful. The tail actually made it slightly easier. My filly was doing pretty well, too. We probably wouldn’t shame Fleur more than necessary.

Getting to the throne room actually didn’t take very long. It was the only door so far we ran into that actually had what looked like guards in front of it. Those two guards actually didn’t lifelessly stare at us. Instead, their eyes were fixed on Glade.

“I have come with our guests,” she said, bowing her head to one of the guards, the buck of the pair. “Is his highness prepared?”

“King Aspen was informed when you passed through the barrier,” the hornless buck replied. “The royal family is gathered to meet them. Go through.”

“Nav, behave,” Fleur whispered.

There was no reason to reply to that. After all, it’s not like the hero of the story would ever ruin everything, right? No, I’d be happy to leave that responsibility to my filly.

Although I guess the ideal end result would be to not ruin everything, but we can’t always get what we want. I disregarded Flo’s utterly disappointed sigh and followed Glade into the throne room.

Chapter Two Hundred and Seven—The Deer

Chapter Two Hundred and Seven—The Deer

The throne room was oddly small. Most of the ones I’ve been to were large enough to hold several advisors, soldiers, decorations, guests, and servants. The deer throne room felt cramped with a pair of guards, our guide, the three of us, and the royal family. Surprisingly enough, there weren’t too many decorations, the throne was plain, and King Aspen wasn’t even wearing a crown.

I guess it made some sense, given they almost never had visitors. Still, if Taya hadn’t told me how powerful they were, I might have gotten the wrong impression. I didn’t know if they were trying to fool us by looking poor or if they just didn’t care what we thought.

King Aspen was a large enough buck to be worth hunting. He was at least an eight-pointer and about as tall as Fleur. His coat was also unique enough to be worth mounting on a wall. It was mostly white, with brown only on a thin strip along his back. He was wearing a bangle that was covered in tiny runes. It looked like he was also wearing some kind of enchanted leggings over his four hooves. At the moment, his fierce eyes were staring quite pointedly at me.

I’m not sure what it says about my personality that my first thought about the king of the deer was something about hunting him. It probably had nothing to do with why he was glaring at me, though.

Queen Fyr was pretty large for a doe. She was a darker brown than most of the deer we had seen and the only white I could see on her coat was around her eyes. There was a runic bangle around her neck, too. At least she was smiling, though her eyes seemed to be on Fleur.

Bramble, their son, looked quite wimpy in comparison. He might have been a spike. Maybe a four-pointer, if he was lucky. Either way, he still looked young enough to be utterly delicious. You know, if I wanted to eat a sapient creature. His coat was a lot more boring, with a normal brown upper body and lower white body. His bangle was a lot less ornate, though I figured it still had a few runes hidden on it. He couldn’t seem to pick one of us to stare at, so his eyes were nervously flicking between the three of us, though they seemed to stick more on Taya.

The guards were also clearly glaring at me. Apparently I wasn’t very popular.

There wasn’t too much room for us to walk forward, but Glade led the way up to the throne anyway. “King Aspen, I have brought our guests.” Fleur bowed. Taya copied her and I curtsied.

“Thank you, Glade,” Aspen said. “How was the journey?”

“More interesting than we were expecting. And Fluttershy has agreed to your request, though she would like a warning before we send her any animals with diseases.”

“A fair requirement,” he replied. “Glade, you may return to your duties. Guests, you may rise.” When I looked up, I found that he was no longer glaring at me and that Glade seemingly vanished. The king was looking me up and down with relative disinterest. “So you are Navarone. You seem quite different from the last time I saw you, during the Equestrian war games.”

“A lot has happened, your highness,” I replied. “In many ways, I am no longer the person I once was. Besides, there is no need for me to fight or prove my worth, here. It’s unlikely you will ever see that side of me again.”

“Not quite the predator we were expecting,” Fyr said. “Even out here, remote as we are, there is talk of your prowess and deeds.”

“I’m not a predator, your majesty, but an omnivore. I do have a few achievements under my belt, some of which could be considered violent. Today, however, we’re here to talk.”

“So you’re more dangerous than we thought,” the king murmured. “Omnivores have the best of both worlds, after all. And you hide it all behind such an adorable guise…” Adorable? Really? “Is there a reason you are crossdressing?”

“I am no longer male, sadly. It has been difficult to adjust, but I no longer feel too strange when dressing the part.” Wait, he thought I was adorable even when crossdressing? That’s odd. “I’m quite pleased that I’m doing well enough to be considered adorable.” Not really, but it’s probably the polite thing to say. “May I introduce my companions?”

“You may,” the king said, somehow making it sound like a demand.

“This is Lady Fleur de Lis. She took an idea of mine about a beauty pageant for all races and ran with it. And this is my daughter, Taya.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, your highnesses,” Fleur said with another short bow. “As Countess Navarone said, I am Fleur. I came to see if we could convince the deer to participate in the pageant she mentioned.”

“You would ask a defenseless doe to stand side-by-side with predators like dragons, dogs, and griffins?” King Aspen asked, narrowing his eyes just enough to be noticeable.

“Part of the goal of this pageant is to build trust among the various species in the world,” Fleur replied. “Each race has been too secluded for a long time now. Navarone and I would like to help bring everyone together, soothing tensions and fears. Having predators and prey standing and competing together is part of that. I can assure you that no harm will befall any of the participants. The venue will be well-guarded and all of the competitors have been carefully vetted. None will pose a threat. And all competitors are allowed two personal guards, if they’re interested. They can either be provided by the Equestrian palace or from the competitor’s home country.”

“That would be problematic for us, I believe,” Fyr said. “If our subjects learn that predators aren’t truly hostile, it could harm our nation’s unity.” Fleur seemed somewhat flabbergasted that they weren’t even trying to hide the truth, so I decided to jump back in.

“I think you’ll be fine, if I’m honest,” I said. “The brainwashing effect that regulates everyone’s emotions should keep them under your control, as long as they’re actually in the country.”

“True, but if they realize that other nations aren’t incredibly dangerous, they might want to visit those nations,” Aspen said. “If they’re away from the barrier for longer than three or so days, the effects wear off and they might figure out that they were under our control. We make sure to get rid of all dissenters as quickly as possible, but if our population gets too low, it’ll be hard to keep up the breeding program.”

“That’s a fair point, I suppose,” I said. “In that case, it might not be a bad idea to have a small group for the express purpose of going out of the barrier. Deer like Glade, who seem loyal and brainwashed enough even without the barrier, probably wouldn’t want to defect. You can use them for propaganda purposes. Just think what you could tell your populace if a deer wins the world-wide beauty pageant. You’d have some proof for all the elitism. There was a country in my time that was quite similar to yours. It was called North Korea. Their leader was basically worshipped as a god and the competitors were seen as offering their victories to him and to the people.”

“It’s not quite the same,” Aspen said. “I am not worshipped, not like Celestia is. We extol nature here, not individuals. We do have a team that’s used to traveling outside of the barrier. However, none are talented enough to compete in some manner of pageant.”

“Would it… really be that bad?” Fleur asked. “If the deer knew the truth about predators, I mean.”

“Of course it would,” Fyr said. “We use that fear to keep our population in check.”

“You’re really a lot more upfront about this than I thought you’d be,” I said. “Celestia does her best to hide it.”

“And yet you saw through it anyway,” Aspen said. “We knew that if you could see through her, our nation would be even easier to pick apart.”

“I didn’t expect you to know about the brainwashing effect, though,” Fyr said with a small dip in her smile. “For what it’s worth, it isn’t affecting the three of you.”

“Why do you govern like this?” Fleur asked. “It just… seems so wrong!”

“That’s rich, coming from a pony who worships the sun,” Aspen said with a scoff. “The deer learned everything about ruling from Celestia.”

“She doesn’t brainwash people, at least,” Fleur said, sighing.

“Not true, actually,” I quickly replied. “Depending on what you consider brainwashing, at least. I know for a fact she’s removed some troublesome memories from people before. That said, I don’t think she has anything like this ingenious barrier. Well, she might, but it takes a lot of power to keep it running. Without a massive tree, it would be difficult.”

“You don’t really need a brainwashing barrier when you convince everyone you move the sun and moon,” Aspen said. “Without her, the ponies are convinced the world would end. They’d never defy her. And when you think about how dangerous she is, would you ever defy her? Is that not why you live under her hoof, even now?”

“Yeah, she’s probably the sixth or seventh most dangerous thing on the planet. That said, the other things are so much more powerful than she is that I kinda stopped being afraid of her because of it. After seeing Arachne and Discord, I realize that Celestia really is cute and cuddly in comparison.”

“All the more reason to keep our deer isolated,” Fyr said. “If any of them get the idea that Celestia is either cute or cuddly, they might start discussing vassalization! She already has most of the other prey races under her hoof. I don’t want the deer to be trampled beneath her next!”

“You agreed to meet with us, despite knowing what we wanted to discuss,” I said. “I feel like there’s some room for negotiation here. Is there something we can do to change your minds to allow a deer to participate?”

“What do you think of our city, Navarone?” Aspen asked.

After a quick glance at Fleur, I replied, “I am not qualified to answer that question.”

“Let’s pretend that Fleur isn’t glaring at you out of the corner of her eyes. We may maintain our rule like tyrants, but we certainly wouldn’t openly judge an outsider for their opinion.”

“Oh. Well, since you’ve both seemingly been honest so far... I think it would be a great place to live, as long as you’re a deer. However, as an outsider who’s just visiting, I feel it lacks the charm of Equestria. All the tyranny and brainwashing without a friendly population just makes the place feel creepy. Every single deer we passed on the way in stopped whatever they were doing so they could just silently stare at us. It really didn’t feel all that welcoming. If I had to give it a numerical rating, I’d say a three out of ten. All of those points come from how pretty the place is.” Fleur was no longer staring at me out of the corner of her eyes. Instead, she was just outright glaring at me.

“And do you think our city would be better with more outsiders?” Fyr asked.

“Not particularly,” I said. “As things are now, I don’t think any outsiders would want to come here twice. From what Glade said, all criminals are sold to griffins or dragons. That would be a point of contention for a lot of people, depending on your court systems. However, we aren’t here to ask you to allow people to move in. All we want is for the deer to come out of their bubble a little, to join the international community. And I do think you would benefit from that. Trade alone would make it worthwhile, but… Living in fear of a nonexistent boogeyman is unpleasant. There certainly are things out in the world that need to be feared, but sapient predators can usually be reasoned with. I’ve only ever had one try to eat me, but I was technically trespassing at the time, so I consider it fair.”

“And how do you think you’ll make us change our minds?” Aspen asked. “Do you intend to use force?”

Am I really that scary looking? “No, of course not. We came here to talk, not to fight. I don’t really know what the deer consider valuable, which is why I asked what we could do to change your minds. One of your preferred trade goods is drugs. I can arrange for something you’ve probably never tried before, if that would strike your fancy.”

“It would, but not enough to allow a defenseless doe to compete with predators. No amount of goods would be worth it. Though I have to admit, it’s the first time someone so openly attempted to bribe me.”

“And that’s why I was supposed to do most of the talking,” Fleur muttered.

“But we don’t trust ponies,” their son said, the first thing out of his mouth so far. He was young enough to still sound pretty high-pitched, surprisingly. “Isn’t that why the countess is here?”

“Is trusting an omnivore better?” I asked.

“I certainly trust the word of an omnivore preaching for peace above a pony ranting about it,” Aspen replied. “Ponies always propose peace, but the conditions for it are very one-sided for anyone who isn’t actually a pony.”

“...It may be hard for you to believe, but part of the goal of this pageant is to change that,” Fleur said, hanging her head. “Princess Celestia has led us down a dark path, but Navarone has changed her. It seems she wants to repent. Activities like this are part of it.”

“I’m cautiously optimistic about Celestia now,” I said. “We had quite the rocky start, but I think I’ve convinced her that true friendship between races can be possible. Back in my time, there was a pageant between all the countries in the world. I pitched the idea to Fleur and she thought it might improve race relations. To my knowledge, there is no nefarious goal behind it. And you’ve both already admitted you know most of the predator races aren’t really a threat. Is there really any harm in letting a doe participate?”

“We wouldn’t be letting a doe participate, we’d be making a doe participate,” Fyr said. “I’m sure you saw by your welcoming party that none of us particularly want to leave. And for a doe to go, her buck would also be required to go.”

“You couldn’t send a widow like Glade?” I asked. “She seemed accomplished. She’d have to be, to work directly for the king.”

“And leave her unguarded?” the king asked.

“Information was also said to be a common trade good,” I said. “Would some of that do the trick?”

“Usually we have to talk around the point, but you’re dead set on being blunt about this,” Aspen said with a deep sigh. “My wife will discuss the details of sending a doe to Canterlot with Fleur, if you’re willing to discuss a service with me.”

Hm, doesn’t that sound shady? “Do I actually have to perform that service? Or is just discussing it enough?”

“I will leave that for my wife to negotiate with Fleur. You’re a lot less confident than I assumed.”

“There’s some things I can’t do and other things I won’t do, of course,” I said. “I can’t imagine a king requesting something mundane of a person like me. Would you like to talk about it privately, then? Or does the rule about not leaving your doe count for royalty as well?”

“Nobility and royalty are exempt, due to the nature of our jobs,” Fyr said. “And Bramble’s spouse will come from another city-state, but hasn’t been chosen yet. I’ll take Fleur to a side room where we can discuss things. My king, do be careful. And Bramble, you can show the countess’s filly around.”

I really didn’t intend to do anything, so the king didn’t need to take care. But I guess they really were cowards, so whatever. Thankfully, Taya’s cute mode was still activated. I saw fear in her eyes, but I knew she’d be fine. If nothing else, we could test the seed cloning. Fleur seemed somewhat exasperated, but I don’t know why. She got what she wanted, after all.

The king waited for the four of them to leave before standing. “Join me, Countess,” he said, walking past me. I followed him back into the palace. “I truly am surprised. Luna gave us information about you, but it seems the sisters pulled another fast one on us. You’re nothing like the reports say.”

“A lot has happened. That said, I can still crack skulls with the best of them. If your request involves violence, it won’t be a problem.”

“I heard you won a fighting tournament recently, in fact,” Aspen replied.

“You’re better informed than I expected. But I suppose you had to do at least a little homework before inviting someone like me. Especially if we’re going to discuss something alone. I noticed the guards aren’t following us.”

“You may lack tact, but I know you aren’t a fool. I need no guards around you.”

This is sounding shadier and shadier. Darya, keep Fleur and Taya up-to-date, please. And let me know if anything happens.

“Understood,” Darya replied. “Flo will be able to protect Taya’s mind, but I only gave Fleur enough for communication. Would you like the two of us to be on standby outside the barrier? It would only take us fifteen minutes to arrive.”

It might not be a bad idea. Just stay on standby unless something actually happens, though.

“We’re on the way,” Flo replied. “I hope I get to rescue you again!”

So you’re hoping I get attacked? Some guardian you are. For some reason, that made both of them giggle.

“I take it Fleur was to be your chaperone?” Aspen finally asked, cutting into my internal suffering.

“Sorta, but I’m always bad at listening to those. As soon as Queen Fyr said something about using fear to keep everyone in check, I realized you two had no fucks left to give and didn’t want to waste any time. Still though, props for being so open about it. Are the guards in on it, too?”

“What kind of tyrant doesn’t use his military in that way, hm?” he asked, turning a splendidly evil smirk my way.

“Even Celestia was careful about being so blatant around her military. She had people with actual ideals at the top to use as a public face. But I guess that matters less in a smaller city-state like this.”

Speaking of which, I didn’t really think they were poor, but there were seriously no decorations in their hallways. I expected some stag carvings here and there, or maybe some art or tapestries. If the deer never went anywhere and they didn’t do much art, what did they spend all their time doing?

“Was and had, you say? Did something happen to that old alicorn?”

“Well, I think she’s less evil now than she was. A lot has happened recently. I think some things shocked her. The short version is that getting along with the rest of the world became a lot more important.”

“Indeed. The great threat has awoken. And yet instead of trying to combat it directly, you’re… running a beauty pageant.”

How much more shady could this get? “Define the great threat, if you don’t mind.”

“The ponies call it Discord. Perhaps that is enough? It is not something to be spoken of lightly.”

“Why do you think it’s awake?”

“Something that evil, that malevolent, has ways of leaving traces. Celestia would never notice, since she’s wallowing in her capital. The biggest tell was the drought in the Middle East. Whenever the great enemy awakens, old curses run rampant. Our forest has begun to subtly decay ever since. More diseases, more rot. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tartarus is getting more turbulent, too. And now, something like you coming here to preach peace. Is this truly how Celestia wants to fight that monster? Or does she just want to paint a target on all the vassal races dumb enough to participate?”

“I don’t think anyone has a surefire plan to deal with it. We’re kinda fumbling in the dark, you know. We know it’s an ancient evil spirit that grows more powerful based on the conflict in the world. The general idea is that promoting and building peace will weaken it. We just have to hope it doesn’t get active. At the moment, it’s acting like it’s playing a game. We hope that means it’s giving us a fighting chance.”

“That seems like quite a vain hope for an ancient evil spirit,” the king said with a sigh. The halls were finally starting to pick up in color. Before, everything was a dull green or brown. Now, some fruits and flowers were blooming from the walls. “Would you like anything, by the way? You’re welcome to any of the fruits or flowers.”

“What would I do with a flower?”

“Hm?” He leaned closer to the wall and whispered something. Vines covered in flowers shot out of the wall and into my hair. Moments later, it was expertly braided up. My own flowers were held in place by little knots of flowery vine. The wall released me as soon as it was done, leaving me feeling shocked and only slightly violated. “Something like this, perhaps. A tree sister should present herself better, don’t you think?”

“You’ve really done your research.”

“It’s not like you’ve been trying to keep it a secret. But even if I hadn’t, I would have known the instant I saw you. That hair is unmistakable. Especially since your filly is the same. Bramble was in awe of the nature energy around you two. He’ll probably pester your filly with questions.”

Flo, don’t let her say anything too inappropriate to the prince, please. “I’m not sure how many answers she’ll have. We’re both kinda new to this whole tree sister thing. I guess this is cute… But you should probably ask permission before playing with a lady’s hair.”

“I’ll take that probably under consideration, my lady. Any fruits or juice, perhaps? It would be remiss of a host not to offer refreshments, after that long hike.”

“I’m… quite impressed by your selection.” Star fruit, apples of various types, oranges, dragon fruit, jackfruit, pears, several types of berries, pineapples, coconuts, and several I didn’t recognize were hanging all up and down the hall. Most of them were inconvenient to eat without tools. I didn’t know what I’d do with a peel or a core since there didn’t seem to be trash cans anywhere. “Hey, wait a second… Is that a psilocybin mushroom?”

“Hm, the visionshrooms? Those taste awful, but make you see wonderful things. I highly recommend them!”

“I’ll pass, but would I be able to obtain some in the future?”

“Of course!”

Lacking any other reasonable options, I grabbed a few grapes and munched on them as I followed the king further in. “These are probably the best grapes I’ve had since I got to Equestria. The nature magic in this place is pretty powerful stuff.”

“Your grove will be similar, in time. I recommend planting things around your trees. The magic will encourage growth in nearby vegetation. It would be quite a fine way to grow an orchard quickly.”

“Good to know.” But probably not as fast as nanites. “I haven’t been a tree sister all that long. I’m just starting to get into the groove of things. It’s been a wild ride.”

“The secret to becoming a tree sibling has been lost to us, sadly.”

“That’s quite a shame. Do any tree siblings live here in this city?”

“At the moment, no. There are some traveling ex-deer tree siblings who go from city-state to city-state. They help matchmake for royal families and keep all of us up-to-date with each other.”

“I’m somewhat surprised Bramble doesn’t already have a wife.”

“There are widows that are happily teaching him everything he needs to know when it comes time for him to marry. He’ll be fine.” He stopped in front of another fruit wall, then leaned in to whisper something. The fruit began pushing away from the center of the wall. Eventually, an arch opened up leading straight outside.

I followed the king into the small garden courtyard. Spring was clearly in bloom, as we were now completely surrounded by flowers of all shapes, colors, and sizes. Getting distracted by those meant I almost missed the furniture. The entire place was set up like a bedroom. Does it ever rain out here? There’s no way that bed would fit through the doors. Maybe they use magic to cover it?

“So, can we discuss this mysterious service you want from me?” I asked. That said, a part of me already had suspicions. After the door automatically closed behind me, I was even more positive.

“When Luna came to tell us about you, she was quite a bit more vocal about… some things than we were expecting. In fact, Bramble had to leave the room shortly after she began.”

“Yes, she’s oddly boastful at times. Would you like to explain what she told you, and what that has to do with your request? I’m sure she made me out to be quite violent, indeed.”

“Quite violent as you ravished her, yes. She seemed ecstatic when she gleefully described the scenes for us. Oh, of course she also talked about how you’ve killed a bunch of things, but it was eclipsed by the rest…”

“I’m starting to suspect you don’t want me to kill some horrifying monster.”

“Luna had quite the story to tell about you tying her up and teaching her a prey’s true place. It sounded very interesting, I must admit… Hm, are you sure you aren’t just crossdressing?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure.”

“A shame,” he replied with a disappointed sigh. “I truly was hoping you’d be male.”

“I think I know where you’re going with this. You want me to fake an attack to scare your citizens, right?”

“I’d like you to dominate me in bed. Teach me a lesson for my arrogance, if you dare take a king!”

Man, what can you even say to that? “...Well, you said I had to hear your request. I’ve certainly heard it. Can I have some time to think about it?”

“After hearing the latest rumors in Canterlot, I’m surprised you didn’t immediately agree, but of course. I’ll have some tea brought in.” He stood motionless as more vines started waving around the walls. A hole opened on one side, allowing a tray with two full teacups to slide in. The vines silently moved the tray to the small table. I joined the king in sitting. Once he sipped the tea, I brought it to my lips as well.

To put it bluntly, it was kinda gross. The smell was unpleasant, the flavor was bitter, and it left a bad aftertaste. Even the king seemed to have difficulties downing it, yet he quickly chugged it and smiled.

“What do you think?” he asked as I managed to force more of it down.

“If I’m honest, it’s… not the greatest.”

“It’s truly a shame,” he said, shaking his head as I sipped even more. At this point, half of it was gone and I was considering dropping any remaining pretenses of politeness by just leaving it alone. Of course, he had to ruin it. “Tea made from the visionshrooms kicks in much faster, at least. But the taste is so… ugh! One moment, please.”

More vines started waving around while I tried processing the fact that I just got drugged. Darya, how’s Fleur doing? Is she having better luck?

“No, Fyr already managed to get Fleur in bed. She’s teaching Fyr the joys of pony magic.”

Fun stuff. And Taya?

“The prince is trying his hardest, but Taya actually thinks she’s talking to a princess. Nobody ever actually told her that Bramble was a boy and she really can’t tell… Should I inform her?”

No, let her figure it out on her own. Just make sure she doesn’t offend him by accident. It’s okay if she does it on purpose. But still, did they really plan on seducing all three of us?

“So it seems,” Flo replied. “Are you going to allow yourself to be seduced?”

It’ll probably make me feel really slimy, but putting this bastard in his place would also be neat. A king would be a first for me, too. I think I will dominate him, but I’m not sure if I’ll have sex with him. Oh, and can you do anything about this tea?

“Nope, not a thing. It’s similar to the last mushrooms you had, but nowhere near as powerful. I think I can at least stop you from doing anything too dangerous. Have fun!” I sighed before downing the rest of the tea. When I set the cup back down, I realized fruits had been placed before us. Sliced up pineapples, sliced up normal apples drizzled in honey, and grilled watermelon slices lined the table.

“Please, help yourself,” the king said, nibbling on some pineapple. “It truly helps kill the taste, and the citrus will help it kick in faster!”

It seemed he knew what he was talking about, so I started with the watermelon. It was the bomb diggity, I can’t lie, and it utterly eradicated that awful taste. With it gone, I moved on to the pineapple. “I know I said I wanted to try the shrooms in the future, but I wasn’t expecting it this soon.”

“Why put off good things until tomorrow, hm? Experience them early and often! Now that you have power, you should learn how to exercise it, you know? Taking some time off to have a drug-fueled sex frenzy with a powerful monster is an experience only those with power can have.”

“And you didn’t think warning me about the tea would have been nice?”

“Of course I did. But kings don’t have to be nice. We just have to be powerful.”

“From where I’m sitting, you seem quite vulnerable. I have to say, I’m not a fan of being drugged. I don’t like the idea of being used as fetish-fuel, either. I think I’ll have to punish you after all.” My eyes slowly looked the king up and down, making him start twitching. At the moment, I couldn’t help but wonder how big a stove I would need for his backstraps. I guess any prey would know when it was being hunted. “But you’d really prefer it if I was male, huh?”

“Kings have their proclivities too, you know!”

“And that would be worth enough to put one of your does in danger?!”

“Did you really buy that line? We said it to make Fleur sweat a little. We have to look strong in front of the ponies, you know.”

“And yet you want to get dominated by one of their agents.”

“This and that are different things. I’m allowed my proclivities, aren’t I?”

“Not when it comes to dosing me without permission. The obvious solution is to do lewd things to you until you surrender, but that’s probably fighting fire with fire and not a good thing or whatever. But then, brainwashing you also wouldn’t really be right… Hm, how does one punish a king? Wait, so if I refuse this and just choose to walk away, what happens?”

“Well, we already have plans to attend. We just wanted to drag the ponies to the bargaining table. But I’m really not in favor of it. Fyr just wants to make a doe look prettier than a pony. I have no intention of going anywhere near Canterlot, personally. And I won’t allow Fyr to go, either.”

“Is this your personal bedroom, by the way? It’s surprisingly nice. Though the vines are somewhat off-putting.”

“No, this is just where I have my affairs. I make love to my wife in our actual bedroom. So, I’ve given you some time. Do you have an answer?”

“Hm… I suppose I have to give you a reason to come to Canterlot.” What to do, what to do… “Oh, how about this? If I make you beg just right, will you give the project your full support?”

“I’m not quite sure a female could manage it… Think you’re strong enough to make a king beg? I wouldn’t mind hearing your arrogant mouth begging for more, now that I think about it… I could hold you down easily with the vines and toy with you while the visionshrooms kick in. That actually sounds quite fun!” Once again, the vines along the walls started moving, dragging weird and kinky sex-toys out of the woodworks.

“Good, that means I have permission.” Darya, smack him around a little and get him on the bed, if you would.

“Death to rapists,” she replied in my head. She took control and jumped up to knee the king in the jaw. The vines lost their coordination and stopped moving. Aspen flopped back and fell to the floor, dazed. She dragged him to the bed and tied his front hooves to the bedposts. I took back over and grabbed a gag, then a blindfold. His nasty smirk was hard to ignore, but at least he wasn’t trying to fight back yet. When he was trussed up nice and tight, I stepped back and looked down on the little worm before me.

“So I guess this is the point where I start torturing you, right?” He grunted, tilting his head. “I said I was going to make you beg, right? I didn’t bring a knife, but I don’t think I need one.” For some reason, he started struggling. I removed my shoes and kicked him. That made him groan and try to glare at me. “There are some people out there who would pay to have me step on them with my bare feet. Maybe you should be more grateful.”

He didn’t make any more moves, thankfully. I leaned in and traced one of his inner thighs. Then I ran a finger along the other side.

“This is where you’d cut to hang a deer, you know,” I said, trying to sound as pleasant as possible. “Hang the deer upside down from holes cut here, and you have easy access to this part…”

My fingers traced right across his crotch, just barely missing a disgusting little bug along the way. My fingers ended up meeting at his stomach, where I pulled them up to his chest. He was starting to sweat.

“Here, you can either saw through the chest bones to break the cavity open or you can just pull the organs out carefully. The heart, especially, is delicious. Deep-fried deer heart is a well-hidden southern delicacy, it so happens. I’d love to find out how a king’s would taste. I’ve gotten to pull one out when it was still just barely beating before, you know. It’s a hunting tradition called blooding, where a young hunter has to take in the blood and sometimes flesh of his first kill. My first kill was a fairly young buck, about a two to four point. Not the best kill ever, but hey… he was delicious. Didn’t look too dissimilar from… what was his name, Bramble? I was probably younger than he was when I did it. Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself!”

The king was doing a lot more than sweating. He was squirming around and trying to escape his ropes. Experience with Twilight and Luna taught me well, though. The expert knots made it easy to continue tracing, this time around his collar bones.

“Cut here and then along the back and you can easily tear the coat right off! That makes harvesting the back straps really easy!” I emphasized the point by grabbing him and pulling him closer and running my hands down his sides. “They’re so tasty when cooked in butter, maybe with some asparagus. Thinking about it really makes me hungry. Funny thing about omnivores. They can flip to predator on a dime, you know?” I gently bit into his neck with my canines and he really started flailing. If he bled at that point, it was all on him.

When the flailing got old, I pulled my fangs back and leaned toward his ear instead, nibbling it a little as I began tapping in a circle around the top of his head, just between his ears.

“Gently pop a knife into the skull,” I whispered into his ear, making it flinch away from me. “Again and again, in a small circle. Tap, tap, tap. Pop the braincap out and dump the brain in a pot.” He groaned and started struggling again, so I giggled and pulled him tighter. “Boil the brain in water until it’s mush and drop the coat in. Boil it for a while and the hide is tanned. Then you can hang it on a wall. My dear king… That is a prey’s place.”

I pulled away from his ear so I could nibble on his lips, making him actually start crying and shaking in terror. Hopefully if he was going to wet himself, it would be after I pulled away from him. The world was starting to get a little… wavy. My head didn’t feel right anymore, either. Maybe that’s why I was having so much fun? Visionshroom tea apparently does kick in quickly.

“Your place isn’t in my bed. Your place isn’t beneath me. Your only place is in my belly, with the rest of you on display as a trophy. Don’t think your so-called intelligence does you any favors. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just walking, talking meat. The parts of you I can’t find a use for, I’ll grind up and turn into sausage. And yes, that includes that embarrassingly small thing you have hanging between your legs. It certainly wouldn’t make a filling meal, but it’ll add to the flavor. Oh, but not your testicles. I’ll deep fry those, right alongside your tender, juicy heart.”

Everyone was always encouraging me to solve more problems through diplomacy, so I’m sure they’d be proud of me. After all, my honeyed words were working their magic. Aspen’s struggles got more frantic by the sentence. If I’m honest, it was oddly exciting.

“You know, you seemed quite eager to spend time with a predator before.” For some reason, I found that really funny and started giggling. “But now that you’re before a real one… All you can think to do is beg for your life. To flee. Isn’t that right, your highness? You don’t seem to be having much fun, that’s for sure. And here I was thinking you’d get hard for me, at least! But I guess you’re just made to disappoint.”

My giggles might have been more like cackles. The shrooms were definitely kicking in now, that’s for sure. The terrified expression on the king’s face was glorious, and the tears dripping down from the blindfold really sold it. I’m sure starting his trip by listening to someone talk about eating him didn’t make him feel very good.

“You never thought to check us for weapons, did you? That wasn’t too smart, your highness. Not that you would have found mine, anyway.” I made the spike on the end of my tail stick out and gently rubbed it down his side, making him squirm and groan. “I could gut you like a pig whenever I wanted and all you could do is cry for mercy as you’re cut down. What’s being a king even worth, I wonder?”

If I’m honest, not much. Especially when all they do is rule by fear and brainwashing like this scumbag. Thinking about it, killing him might be doing the world a favor… But it would make Fleur look bad, so I probably shouldn’t.

“I didn’t think this would be all that fun, but I’m actually enjoying myself! Dosing me without permission was extremely naughty, but the effects have been wonderful! Maybe I should work some kind of reward into your punishment? What do you think, your majestyness?”

His head immediately started nodding. For some reason, I had a feeling he’d agree. It didn’t have to mean being nicer to him, though. But if I left things as they were, he might have some hard feelings. I had to give him something, at least…

As I tried to think of things, I started looking around the room. The vines had brought out all kinds of interesting toys. I recognized some quite well, as he had copies of all the toys from The Crop. Including the ones based on me. That gave me a fun idea. If he wanted to toy with the male version of me, I’d give him a close enough facsimile. When I started cackling again, the king stopped nodding and began frantically shaking his head.

It was already too late, though.

To make a long story short, I made good use of the visionshrooms. When I was finished, all the king could do was beg. That meant I won and both he and his wife would join us for the competition. At least a few parts of his body enjoyed it, even if he was left with a limp as we walked back down the halls. The world was still pretty wavy, but I wasn’t cackling anymore. Instead, I just couldn’t stop smiling. I was definitely going to have to obtain more of those mushrooms later.

“Was that your first experience with something that wasn’t prey?” I asked as we walked.

“Yes.”

“Hm, I see. Well, when you get to Canterlot, I’ll introduce you to some others. I’m sure they’ll be happy to toy with you.”

“That’s… that isn’t necessary, Countess…”

“Oh no, I insist.”

“Another visit with an omnivore is all I need. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I’ve never felt my heart beat so fast!”

“You’ll have to make it worth my while. This started as punishment, but Fleur needed the help as well. I can think of a few promises I might force you to make, so we’ll see.”

How did Fleur fare?

“She had a very enjoyable time with the queen and received a favorable response,” Darya replied.

And Taya?

“She got the tour of the whole city from what she thought was the princess, including several very private and romantic spots where Bramble attempted to seduce her. Your filly takes after you, as she never once noticed she was being courted.”

That means she was the only one who didn’t put out. I guess I should be happy, as her mother. Although at least the king’s disgusting deer dick never touched me. Has Taya met back up with Fleur?

“Yes, they’re awaiting your arrival in a dining room.”

Did either of them get dosed with anything?

“Fleur was, but I don’t know what,” Darya said. “I don’t have enough water in her to tell what it was, but I know it wasn’t mushrooms and it didn’t seem dangerous.”

“Taya refused everything Bramble offered her, so she was fine,” Flo added.

She really is smarter than I am. Maybe I’m a good parent after all? Two watery scoffs disabused me of that notion.

“I’ve never had a limp this bad before,” the king grumbled.

“You weren’t complaining at the time, your majesty.”

“I was gagged!”

“Do you complain to all your lovers, or just the best ones?”

“Well… It just aches so good…”

“I bet you haven’t been that fulfilled in a long time, huh? Maybe more deer would like submitting as prey. You could invite a few dogs next time, maybe?”

“...Griffins would be better. But dogs… Maybe later.”

“Changelings are also a fun predator race. Hey, I’m building a village near the Everfree pretty soon. I’m planning on putting a changeling whorehouse there. You can come and visit, if you can afford their rates. They’ll be whoever or whatever you want, probably.”

“Probably?”

“I might ban a few things like underage kids and stuff that would actually hurt people. I’ll talk with the changelings in charge of the project to see what they have to say.”

“A changeling whorehouse in Equestrian territory,” the king whispered, looking down. “I never thought I’d see the day… Is Celestia truly serious about changing her ways?”

“I believe so, yes. She made someone like me a noble, and then upgraded me to a countess. She’s asking me to build a city full of non-ponies. There’s the alliance with the changelings. It feels like things are starting to change.”

“Celestia thinks very long-term. It’s possible all of this is some kind of trap.”

“If it’s a trap, it’s one set by the great enemy, not Celestia. After all, Celestia was put in power by that thing.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” he replied with a sigh.

“Six thousand is a lot of years. I’m sure not everything went as it planned. Anyway, where are we going? Are you leading me to another lewd place?”

“I figured I would treat you to lunch before you departed. Don’t worry, I’ll warn you if anything is drugged.”

“Before we eat it?”

“Ugh, if you insist… I wonder how my wife and son fared. It’ll be fun to compare notes!”

“Your wife succeeded and your son struck out. I might be a wanton slut, but my filly is more stuck up than that.”

“That’s not a very nice way to describe your daughter.”

“Sorry, I meant to say that she’s a perfect little lady. Is that better?”

“Hm… You’re not the best mother, are you?”

“I don’t wanna hear it from the dude who’s cheating on his wife. What would your son think?”

“That I had done well to conquer such a proud, strong monster, of course.”

“I just admitted to being a wanton slut. What part of me is proud?”

“You’re obviously proud of your species, given all the gruesome customs you imparted to me.”

“Don’t worry, your highness. If I kill you, it’ll be in winter. I’d want to mount your rack on the wall, after all.”

“Yes, that’s utterly relieving.” It seemed sarcastic, for some reason.

“So, what other kinds of fun drugs do the deer have?”

“There’s another fungus that grows on wheat that’s quite enjoyable. We call it the life, sex and die drug, since it can make you feel more alive than ever, make you feel worse than dead, and is a lot of fun to have sex on.”

“Oh, we called that ergot. I’ve heard good things, but I’ll probably pass on that one. I’m surprised you have psychedelics, though. Anything else?”

“There’s one we just call the stim. It’s a green, leafy plant that when chewed, makes you feel completely energized!”

“Oh, tobacco. I imagine that’s really amazing when combined with nature magic. Isn’t it addictive, though?”

“Not anymore. We bred those qualities out. Would you like to try some?”

“No, I don’t want to mix drugs. The mushrooms are still affecting me. Do you grow enough of these drugs to sell them, or are they mostly for recreational use?”

“Mostly recreational. However, any deals involving actual goods will have to be paid for in actual goods. No dicking me down for large quantities of drugs, I’m afraid. And we don’t take gold.”

“What about alcohol?”

“We would take alcohol, yes.”

“I plan on producing it in my village. Hopefully, a lot of it. Is there a way to get a trading pass for the barrier?”

“No. But we can send traders to your village, discuss the products you want and the prices for them, and then deliver the goods the next day.”

“That’ll work.” Once we get a few seeds and spores, we can get the good shit from them and mass produce the rest without so much nature magic. “But what, no lip about selling goods to dangerous predators or not trusting the alcohol produced by a monster like me?”

“We usually try to save the theatrics for ponies. If you hadn’t been here, our conversation with Fleur would have gone somewhat… differently.”

“You mean not at all?”

“Well, yes. Had I known you were actually female, I’m not sure if I would have agreed.” Tch, sexist. “But in the end, I got what I was looking for. And how…”

“If you’re not there at the pageant, I’ll come back here to drag you there myself. And I won’t be gentle this time.”

“What you did to me was gentle?!”

“Well, you didn’t bleed. You might have a hard time sitting down for a while, though.” He sighed and our walk continued in silence.

The dining room was as bare as the rest of the palace. No finery decorated the walls and all the tableware was wooden. The table was a massive stump that had been carved out. Since it was large enough to fit all of us, there were more rings in it than I cared to count. The chairs were stone and covered in a thick layer of moss.

Prince Bramble was excitedly telling Fyr about his date with my filly. The queen was listening with a small smile, though I’m not sure if she was actually happy. Taya didn’t seem very interested in the conversation and locked eyes with me as soon as I walked in. She seemed very uncomfortable next to the prince, but her cute mode was still going strong.

At the moment, Fleur was looking dazed and confused as she sat next to the queen. She was still smiling, but it was clear she wasn’t quite all there. Aphrodisiac, maybe? Or some kind of mild roofie? Darya, would you mind hopping over and seeing if you can clear up her mind?

“Once you sit, I’ll slip under the table.” The king was gracious enough to pull my chair out for me, so I was quickly seated next to Taya. I felt something slip out of my shoes as the king claimed the chair between me and Fleur. I was probably the only one who noticed his flinch as he sat.

His son ended his conversation so he could stare at the king. “How did your talk go, father?” Bramble asked.

“Negotiations were successful, for better or worse,” Aspen said, laying a hoof on one of my hands. It took everything within me not to smack him or glare at him. “We had quite a hearty discussion about the differences between our species. It was quite productive indeed!”

Fleur suddenly came to with a flinch. “I… I’m glad to hear that… I think,” she unsteadily replied. Her eyes flicked to his hoof on my hand before blinking. Aspen finally pulled it back with a smug grin. “My talks with… the queen also went well. They were intense but… very fruitful.” Diplomacy through sex, huh? Maybe I should have renamed my airship to Enterprise.

“We went on a tour of the city,” Taya said, doing her utmost to sound delighted. “It truly is a beautiful place!”

“And how was Bramble as a tour guide?” Fyr asked.

“Highly rated,” Taya replied with a grin. “I got to see all kinds of cool trees, secret magic circles, and even the forbidden waterfall, whatever that is. There was also the heart of the forest and the hidden library. I think my favorite was the ritual magic site where the rejects are sacrificed!”

“Ah, I see you’re a tree sister of taste!” Fyr said with a pleased smile. “It’s a shame there aren’t any to sacrifice today. I’d love for you all to see it!”

“What… what kind of reject?” Fleur hesitantly asked.

“The disabled, the crippled who can’t be healed, those born out of wedlock,” the king said, waving a hoof. “Worthless ilk of that sort, those not even worth selling to other species.” Fleur’s face somehow went a few shades whiter. “Now, let us take a moment to eat.” He whispered something in another language and vines shot out of the walls, each carrying a platter, bowl, or plate.

Moments later, the table was covered in food. There was a steaming steak in front of me. Everyone else got some kind of salad. Several fruit-covered platters filled the middle of the table. We all got a wooden goblet full of chilled apple juice. A large pie was right in the center where it would be almost impossible to reach. Thankfully, that meant nothing in the face of Taya’s magic.

Still, though… I looked down at my steak. “What exactly is this? I’d like to be sure of what I’m eating.”

“That’s a mushroom,” Fyr replied.

“It looks exactly like a steak.”

“I don’t know what a steak is, but I do know what a mushroom is. And I’m very positive that looks exactly like a mushroom.”

As soon as I drove my fork into it, I realized she was right. Is this… a grilled portobello? I used the crappy wooden knife to cut it open and realized it was a stuffed grilled portobello. Stuffed full of cheese, peppers, and onions. It felt very good inside of me and tasted considerably better than the mushroom tea.

It seems no one had any complaints about the salads, either, though Fleur seemed to mostly just be picking at it. Her appetite had left her at some point. The fruit, like the grapes earlier, was fantastic. The pie that Taya dropped on my plate was a blueberry tart that filled me in all the right ways. At least their food was good, even if there was less meat than I’d like.

“Would we be able to meet the representative you’re going to send before we leave?” I asked when everyone had finished eating. The vines removed plates as they emptied, so the table was mostly clear.

“Glade will guide you back out, of course,” Aspen said. “We intend to send her to Canterlot in a few days. I trust the ponies can manage to protect a defenseless doe until we arrive?”

“Of course,” Fleur said. “Our friend, Midnight Blossom, is a very capable captain of the guard. She’s in charge of security for the event and its attendees.”

“Isn’t an undead pony twice as bad as a living one?” Bramble innocently asked.

“Depends on the type of pony,” I said. “Combat unicorns could probably beat her given the right conditions, but Blossom’s stronger than most other ponies. It’s okay, though, because she’s also cuter than most other ponies.”

“It seems like cuteness and danger go hoof-in-hoof in your eyes,” the king said. “I bet you think Luna is adorable, don’t you?”

“Well, she is. She’s also really creepy, though. And I don’t think Pyrite is cute, so your argument is flawed. The point is, Glade will be safe in Canterlot.” You know, as long as she can avoid mouthing off too much. “And when will you be joining us in Canterlot, your majesties?”

Fyr shot a glare to her husband that quickly morphed into a flawless smile. Everyone else was looking at the king in surprise, so I was probably the only one that caught it. Did she not want to go? Or did she not want him to go? Or was she not expecting me to rock his world so hard that he’d have no choice but to agree?

“...We will arrive the day the competition begins,” he replied after a few painfully awkward seconds of thought. “The distance from here to Canterlot is not so far, after all.”

“W-we’re honored!” Fleur said, though she sounded a little strangled. A part of me wondered if she was really taking this friendship between species thing seriously. “But you’d agree to come… in person?”

“The countess drove a hard bargain. I was in no position to refuse.” And that just made Fleur stare at me suspiciously, but at least she wasn’t complaining again.

“May I come as well?” Bramble asked. “Taya could show me around Canterlot!”

“You want to go to a pony city?” Fyr asked.

“Most ponies are untrustworthy, but they aren’t evil,” Bramble replied. “The crime rate in Canterlot is low and Taya is powerful. I’ll be plenty safe.” Most ponies aren’t trustworthy, but you trust a filly you just met to keep you safe? Taya also seemed a little confused by that logic, but knew better than to say anything.

“I’ll allow it, but you’ll have deer guards as well,” Aspen said. My filly deflated a little, but Bramble squee’d.

“...I suppose there is much we must get ready,” Fyr said. “Outfits, gold, other supplies. With the entire royal family leaving, it’ll be a mess here. If we only have a few days to get ready…”

“Yes, we’ll need to begin soon,” the king said. “It’s rare that we host guests here in Thicket. I’m glad this meeting has proven valuable to both parties. Is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

“I do have a question, actually,” I said. “Taya and I just recently started learning more about being a tree sibling. We can both hear trees, but we don’t really know what they’re saying. Are there any books or documents here that go into detail about things of that nature?”

“Not in this city, no,” Aspen said. “And you’d need permission from the Conclave to even learn where they’re located, let alone be allowed to read them. In short, that’s never going to happen. You’ll need to look elsewhere for information about your abilities.”

“Oh well, I tried.” He seemed somewhat shocked that I gave up so quickly, but I didn’t see any reason to give in to his expectations. “I’ll probably want to talk more about trade when you get to Canterlot. Those mushrooms you dosed me with were something else. They might be fun to distribute at the Gala as a deer specialty.”

“You’ve already ruined one too many Galas, Nav!” Fleur said. “Do you really think Celestia would let anyone you know close to the food after what you pulled last time?!”

“All I have to do is leave them on the buffet table with a sign. Idiot nobles will eat it, I promise.”

“I always ignore those invitations, but maybe they’re worth attending after all,” Aspen said. “Did you poison the food?”

“I dosed them with another drug. I’ll try to get some of that for you to sample before you get to Canterlot.”

“Oh yes, weed is quite wonderful,” Taya said with a smile. “It makes you feel so relaxed!”

“That party was pretty fun, until I got stabbed,” I said. “But anyway, we’ll get out of your hair so you can start getting ready.”

Glade appeared at the door. “I am ready to walk you out of the barrier,” she said. “So if you’ll follow me…?

Bramble waved as the three of us followed Glade out of the dining room. The king was starting to talk to his wife, but he made sure to keep his voice low so we couldn’t hear.

The trip out of the city was just as unpleasant as the walk in. All the deer were staring at us in silence again, making for quite the spooky sight. Taya seemed slightly withdrawn and Fleur was staring into space, so that left Glade and I to talk.

“I’ve heard I’m to be a competitor in some event at Canterlot,” she said as we walked through the city.

“Are you looking forward to it?”

“I know ponies aren’t as bad as they say, but I don’t particularly want to go. Sadly, it is what my king wills, so I must obey.”

“Hopefully you’ll be able to have some fun when you get there. The other competitors that I’ve met are all interesting, so you might even make a friend or two.”

“You are allowed your optimism,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I doubt anything will come of this.”

“Maybe, but that’s no reason we can’t do it anyway. This is basically the beta test for the pageant. With luck, it’ll help get the various races talking to each other in a more friendly way. You’ll be representing your species, so remember to smile.”

“I was also informed that I may receive payments in belly rubs, ear scritches, and head pats.” Her stare was honestly a little hurtful, but I bore with it. “Would you happen to know anything about these payments? They seem somewhat strange, like something only a race with soft hands and weak claws could perform. Something ape-like, maybe.”

“Who informed you of this?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“Queen Fyr. It was part of the information she received from Fleur.”

“I see. Well, to answer your question, yes. I would happen to know about those payments. Is there something that concerns you?”

“I fail to see how any of those would be considered payments.”

“Observe,” I replied. My hand shot down to my filly’s ear and began scritching. She hadn’t been paying attention, so she jumped in surprise before her face melted in glee. One of her back legs was twitching slightly. “Tummy rubs affect them even more. I’ve never tried it on a deer, but I know it works on zebras, griffins and cats as well. Would you like to submit before my fingers, Glade?”

“A lover of the king himself has no need to ask, countess. My body is yours to do with as you please. I submit to you willingly, so feel free to touch me wherever you like for however long you like.”

That broke Taya’s reverie. “Wait, something she just said sounded important!”

“You’re mistaken,” I replied, patting her on the head. “Let’s keep going.” Fleur definitely noticed as well, since she had a small blush. But since she did lewd things to the queen, she had no right to complain. We continued moving in silence.

The trip out of the deer city seemed to go much faster. That was probably because of how much I was looking forward to leaving. If I’m honest, I really didn’t want to come back. When we got to the edge of the barrier, our guide stopped. “You know the way out of the forest, I trust?” she said.

“The path is basically a straight line,” I replied. “Thanks for getting us this far. If you’re interested in saying hi, come by my house in Canterlot when you get to the city. It’s called Stormview. Any guard should be able to point the way.”

“The invitation is appreciated. Fare thee well, Countess.”

“I’ll do my utmost to not get murdered. See you.” With that, I ducked out of the barrier. Taya followed right behind me, but Fleur lingered for a bit, probably to talk to Glade privately. She didn’t make us wait too long, at least.

“So, should I just teleport us back to the entrance?” Taya asked. “I can probably get all three of us back to Canterlot, too.”

“Can we… walk for a bit?” Fleur asked. “I think a small traipse through nature might help me clear my head. I was expecting the meeting with the deer to go… slightly differently.”

“It caught me off guard, too,” I said. “Flo, Darya, you can return after one snuggle each.” Two blobs of water shot out of the ground and surrounded me before reshaping themselves as elementals. They were wonderfully soft and squishy, helping ease my wounded heart.

“When did they get here?” Taya asked.

“I asked them to be on standby after the king drugged me,” I replied, hugging my wet hoes back.

“Sounds about par for the course,” Taya said, rolling her eyes. Her horn lit up and a small bubble surrounded all of us, hopefully a soundproof barrier. “And that’s when you had sex with him?”

“Well, I never let any part of him really touch me. Basically, I plowed him up the butt with a toy while demeaning him and occasionally smacking him around a little.”

“At least I know Fleur is professional enough to just get her business finished,” Taya said, looking up at the responsible adult with hopeful eyes.

“A-about that,” Fleur said, rubbing at her neck and looking away. Taya’s eyes narrowed and Fleur flinched. “The queen was quite insistent that I try a certain tea. And when I did, well… It seems I became the queen’s lover…” My filly scoffed in disgust. “And how was your date with the prince, missy?”

“What prince?” Taya asked, tilting her head to the side. “Princess Bramble showed me around all day. I didn’t realize she had a brother…”

“King Aspen has one child,” I said. “A son named Prince Bramble.”

“That was a boy?!”

“And that’s how her date went,” I said with a nod. Fleur sighed and hung her head. “Now, this snuggle has been nice, but we shouldn’t clog up the entrance to the city.”

“It’s not like anyone else is in a hurry to visit,” Flo replied. “But as you wish.” She picked me up like a princess and began sliding down the road. The others followed after only a moment or two of hesitation.

“So now that you’ve met them, what do you think of the deer, Fleur?” I asked.

“I’m… still trying to process everything that happened,” Fleur said. “But… I think you were right. Maybe there are some species that can continue to live in the shadows…”

“Are you sure you don’t want to mainstream a culture that murders its children, sells its prisoners as food, and brainwashes the commoners?” I sweetly asked.

“I already said that you were right, so stop fishing for more. I really had high hopes for the deer, but… Their rulers are just as bad if not worse than Oldlestia!”

“So, do you have any criticism on how I handled the meeting with the king?” I asked.

“...I did at the time, but they’ve all slipped my mind. In truth, the meeting is somewhat of a blur in my mind now. Oh, one just came back to me! Blatantly offering to bribe the king is kind of a big deal, Nav. You need to be more subtle.”

“Given the end result, we can treat this like a practice run. At least I did better than the first time I met King Bloodbeak.”

“Didn’t you insult him to his face?”

“He started it, but yes. I also punched Chrysalis in the face one of the first times I spoke to her privately. And now I can say that I pounded the deer king’s bum the first day I met him.”

“Is that really something you should be telling people?” Taya asked.

“He didn’t tell me to keep it secret, so I don’t see why not.”

“That’s really not something you should be telling people,” Fleur said.

“What, are you not going to talk about what you did to the queen?”

“No, I’m not. I hate to say this, but… duh. Why would I do that?”

“To get back at her for dosing you with drugs. That’s why I’d brag about what I did to the king.”

“...This is a conversation we can continue once I’m done reflecting on the meeting,” Fleur said. “Speaking of which, how did my head suddenly clear up at the lunch table?”

“That was me,” Darya replied. “Nav asked me to slip under the table to help you out. I stayed in you until now in case they tried drugging you at lunch. But now that we’re out…” A small blob of water slipped out of Fleur and back into Darya.

“Thank you, both of you. What are your opinions on the deer?”

“I wasn’t a fan,” Flo said.

“I can see the appeal in living such a peaceful, hedonistic life, but it seemed that most of the citizens were essentially in a vegetative state,” Darya said. “I also wasn’t a fan, though the city was aesthetically pleasing.”

“So, poor reviews all around,” Fleur muttered with a sigh.

“Taya, did you learn any cool magic on your date?” I asked.

“I’ve never been on a date before, though. Bramble doesn’t count, since I thought he was a princess!”

“Taya, did you learn any cool magic on your tour?” Flo asked for me.

“No, I didn’t really have time to analyze anything. They do have some pretty cool rituals, though. But that thing about sacrificing babies is kinda weird.”

That sorta killed the conversation for a minute or two. Finally, Fleur sighed again and looked up at me. “Is there a reason you’re being carried like that?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“No, no reason in particular,” Flo said. “Is it a problem?”

“It’s not a problem, but it is weird. Nav, did you hurt one of your feet on the walk in?”

“No. If I had, Taya could have fixed it. Don’t overthink it. That’s exactly what she wants.” Flo giggled and nuzzled me.

“I see. Well, I suppose it is no business of mine.”

“How’s the place you’re surveying for the village?” I asked.

“We’ve located sources of water and flattened a good chunk of land,” Flo replied. “The university is already mostly done. Once it’s finished, construction of the rest of the town will begin. When Skyhold arrives, things will speed up.”

“Any fun natural resources we can exploit?”

“You must remember that the Everfree used to be the capital of Equestria. Most of the resources were all used up before it became a cursed forest.”

“There are plenty of trees and monsters,” Darya said. “Both of those are worth money. Especially magical trees.”

“Well, I have enough money to bankroll the place until it starts bringing in cash. A lot of it will probably function as a distribution hub anyway. Once we get a few teleport circles set up, the money will fall straight into my pocket. And I’m sure some people will come by to visit the casinos and whorehouses.”

“...Why would you be making either of those?” Fleur asked.

“There’s a lot of money to be made in gambling and whoring. Both touch on a greater sin, after all. Greed for gambling, lust for whoring.”

“Are you sure you aren’t getting a little too greedy yourself, Nav?” Fleur asked.

“No, I’m not sure. It’s possible. But money means power. Once the village is settled, I might start several new businesses in a few nearby cities. It’s no good to have money just sitting, after all. Money and businesses will bring me influence and power while propelling the world into the future at the same time. I hope that’s not too greedy.”

“Don’t forget that, as a noble, wealth is to be flaunted. As a countess, you probably shouldn’t even walk anywhere anymore.” So am I being greedy or not?

“Oh, so that’s why Flo’s carrying me,” I said.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. You’ll need to get a carriage of some kind. A chariot is also an option, but it will need to be decorated properly. They also can’t go everywhere, so both would be better.”

“The better option is to just never leave my house, isn’t it?”

“You really shouldn’t be obtuse for more than one sentence in a row, Nav,” Fleur said. “You’re supposed to be working on this, aren’t you?”

“Sorry, you’re right. The better option is to just teleport everywhere, isn’t it?”

“In an ideal world, yes. However, some places are difficult to teleport to. Namely, places one has not yet been. Taya would not be able to deliver you to a party at another noble’s mansion, for example.”

Why would I ever want to go to a party? “Flo or Darya, ask Silver to get me a carriage and a fancy enough chariot.”

“She’s your accountant, not your secretary,” Flo replied.

“So I can leave it to you then, Darya?”

“My lady, I would rather ask Jak,” she replied. “I believe he could construct something far better than you could buy.”

“Thank you for your constructive input. By all means, ask Jak.”

“It will be done.”

“Now, here’s hoping I never need them. Fleur, will I need anything else to be a proper noble?”

“It doesn’t have to be immediate, but as a higher ranking noble, you’d normally need to create or join a political faction. I don’t see you joining an existing group, so creating your own would be best. You could accomplish this by allying with the nobles who own land near to you or by vassalizing nobles without land and granting them a part of your territory.”

“I basically own Celestia and soon I’ll be drowning in money. I’m not interested in politics. I don’t mind making friends with my neighbors, but I doubt I’ll need their help.”

“Building a proper faction comes with a more extensive intelligence network,” Flo said. “It might enable you to prevent any further attempts on your life.”

“Assassinations are the spice of life, though. Like, remember that time an assassin came for me when I was in Princess Gilda’s bedroom? She freaked out because she thought he was for her! Hilarious, right?”

“Yeah, but that was because of Aqua. He actually came for you in the tub, which wasn’t very funny at all.”

“True. The point is, building a faction sounds like work and I don’t wanna do it. At least, I don’t want to do it any time soon. Fleur, have you reached a conclusion about the deer yet? Sooner you do, sooner Taya can teleport us out.”

“It’s hard to think, I’m afraid.”

“I think she’s telling you to shut up,” Taya whispered.

“Yes, I can tell when I’m unwanted,” I whispered back with a pout. Fleur rolled her eyes as the silence set in again.

At least the view from Flo’s arms was different. Looking up at the world was pretty neat, even if a lot of my vision was taken up by a smiling blue chick. As for my reflections? Man, fuck the deer. They could remain a lesser race. The world stage didn’t need them.

Since my mind was already made up, I passed the time by chatting with Taya in our heads. I got to hear all about how the prince was trying and failing to flirt her up. She also described the parts of the city I didn’t get to see. The forbidden waterfall was apparently quite beautiful, though she had no idea what was forbidden about it. The heart of the forest tingled her horn in all the right ways, so she enjoyed it even more. Apparently something about the nature magic present resonated with her or whatever.

Fleur didn’t get over herself until we finally saw the edge of the forest. At this point, all the snow had been cleared from the area around Fluttershy’s house. She was nowhere to be seen, along with all of her animals. They probably moved on to help others wrap up winter elsewhere.

“I think… maybe we have to go slowly with the deer. There’s just so much about them to pick apart. I mean, was all of that a horrible dream or did their king really nonchalantly mention killing babies born out of wedlock?”

“He most surely did,” I replied. “That was not a dream.”

“And… the brainwashing?”

“I noticed it when we got close enough to the palace,” Taya said. “It was a passive effect coming off of the barrier that got stronger the closer we got to the center. As they said, it wasn’t affecting us or Glade.”

“And the two of them just sat on their thrones and rattled all of this off like it was nothing,” Fleur whispered, hanging her head.

“So, shall we start with trade?” I asked.

“...I think that might be best, yes,” Fleur said. “But to be honest, I really don’t know how to even begin breaking their bubble.”

“Starting trade with them opens a dialogue that we can use to look for a chance,” I said. “To be honest, though, I find myself wondering if we even should do anything like that. The deer rarely cause trouble since there are so few of them. Since they keep to themselves, the amount of discord they cause is negligible.”

“Nav, what we just experienced was fairly terrifying, I must say,” Fleur said. “Should we really allow a government like that to continue?”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys. I put Celestia in the ground because she made herself my enemy. The deer are content to stay in their bubble. Besides, Taya, could we take them down?”

“Celestia probably could, if she went herself. Luna definitely could. Twilight, maybe. I could cause a lot of damage, but I don’t think I’d be strong enough to win. There’s almost definitely someone there capable of using that nature energy. If I run into them, I’d lose. They couldn’t use that power outside of the barrier, though. But we’d have to take down all the deer cities, since they’d definitely become problems.”

“So they’re turtled up like crazy, and taking them out would make the other deer our enemies,” I said. “Their governing style leaves much to be desired, but it’s not like we can get them to change. The common people are literally brainwashed and the royals seem to be happy with the status quo. That’s not something we can really break, at least not without a good enough opportunity.”

“Well, knowing you, you’ll make that opportunity soon enough,” Fleur said. “So as long as I’m by your side, I’ll be able to take advantage of it. Now, shall we summon our ride?”

“I could just teleport us back from here,” Taya said.

“It’s already paid for. The view will be worth it.” Fleur’s horn lit up and the little bobble appeared. She fiddled with it for a moment before it started blinking. Apparently our taxi was on the way. “So where do you think Fluttershy went off to?”

“Helping wrap up winter,” I said. “With the animal brigade, she can probably make up for Twilight’s absence.”

“I thought the tradition was to do it all by hoof, without magic,” Fleur said. “How would Twilight speed that up?”

“By organizing the workers. Apparently it was a huge mess before she got here. It’s probably an even bigger mess now that she’s gone.”

“They really didn’t have anyone else capable of that? What about the mayor?”

“No clue. I just know what I was told. I was put off by the whole thing, to be honest. Why do by hand what magic can do automatically?”

“Is that your laziness speaking, mommy? You helped every year when we lived here.”

“You know what Twilight threatened to do to me if I didn’t. Let’s find a place where they can land.” The perfect place for that would obviously be where they dropped us off, so we returned to the front of Fluttershy’s ranch.

Now that we were up front, I could see a few animals that were presumably left behind to guard the place. A bear was lying down in front of the food silos, a few squirrels were playing dice for some acorns in front of the barn, and Angel Bunny was hopping our way with a grizzled old wolf trailing behind him.

“Taya, do you have an animal translation spell?”

“No, but Flo could probably manage,” she replied.

“Flo, would you mind translating?”

“Not at all.” Angel seemed wary of the watery tentacle approaching to violate one of his holes, but didn’t have time to decide what to do before he was penetrated. “He would like to know what our business is. He would also like to peek up your skirt.” Angel squeaked and waved his paws in front of his face. I’m not sure if rabbits can blush, but he might have been trying.

“We’re waiting for our chariot to pick us up,” I replied. “Don’t mind us, we won’t be long.”

“He minds you quite a lot, actually,” Flo said. “You know, after threatening to turn him into soup, seducing his mistress, and then brutally breaking her heart.”

“Well, that can’t be helped.” The wolf started growling. “I don’t want to have to explain to Fluttershy that her animals attacked me again and I had to defend myself again. Especially not in the place I helped fund. We’re waiting here until our ride picks us up.”

“Nav, you can stand to be a little more diplomatic,” Fleur said with a sigh. “I know it paid off with the king, but you can’t keep getting away with this.” Her eyes moved to the growling wolf. “We’re all friends of Fluttershy. She gave us permission to meet with the deer here, as well as regrouping here to return to Canterlot. Our ride is already approaching now.”

“In fact, I can see it,” Taya said. “This conversation is boring, so…” Her horn lit up and the three of us teleported up to the moving chariot. Of course, this surprised the hell out of the pegasi pulling the chariot, but we got them calmed down before we could crash.

“Taya, you’re better than that,” I said. “At least warn us first!”

“You have wings, I can make wings, and Fleur’s easy enough to teleport if she fell. Nothing could go wrong.”

“Except crashing into the ground,” Fleur muttered.

“Well, we didn’t, so it all worked out,” Taya proudly replied. “And we got off the ground without having to deal with more animals.”

“Why would you threaten to turn Fluttershy’s pet bunny into soup?” Fleur asked.

“He was being mean to Fluttershy and she asked me to talk to him. So I talked to him and he stopped being mean to her. Part of that talk may have been a mention of how tasty bunny soup is, but it’s been so long that the details are fuzzy. Besides, he wanted to peek up my skirt. Can’t we say it’s even?”

“I think that’s a stretch,” Fleur said. “Now, what should we tell the others about the deer?”

“Everything, of course,” I said. “Including what I did to the king’s butt.”

“That’s the one thing we absolutely can’t tell anyone,” Fleur immediately replied. “If we’re inviting the deer to the pageant, shouldn’t we try to make them look good?”

“How?” Taya asked. “The only thing we could say is that their city is pretty.”

“We could say they’re very community oriented,” Fleur said.

“You can sugarcoat a turd as much as you want, but talking someone into eating it is still gonna be hard,” I said. “If we could go back to this morning, I think we should have skipped the trip and let the deer rot.”

“It’s too late for that, and you can keep your unseemly analogies. Do you have anything helpful to add?”

“The deer are mysterious and unknown. Can’t we just leave it that way and let the deer speak for themselves when they arrive? We can tell those around us what happened, but I don’t see any reason to go public with the news. Well, aside from letting people know they’ve agreed to participate.”

“That… Hm. I suppose there isn’t a reason to spread anything we discovered. But Nav, seriously, you probably shouldn’t talk about what happened with the king. I know you’re angry about it, but—”

“It’s actually a personal thing,” I said. “A goal, you could call it. I’ve been having sex with as many royals as possible. Unless it would be personally inconveniencing for me, I’ve made it a point to brag about my conquests, too. So I know you wouldn’t recommend it and I recognize that it might not be the best idea, but that won’t stop me. I can’t let it. I don’t have many personal goals, but I have to stick with the ones I’ve made.”

“I wish you could put your determination and resolve to better use. I may have been called the Bicycle of Canterlot, but at least I wasn’t proud of it.”

“Royalty’s a different breed. You have to get through countless layers of security just to be allowed to talk to them, let alone building enough trust to end up between their sheets. I’m always happy to add another to my tally, even if what happened today was a little outside the realm of normal.”

“Mommy, you’re kinda a ho, aren’t you?”

“I got better with the coma. But there are some things I can’t compromise on. Although… Do Luna and Celestia count as princesses or goddesses?”

“Princesses,” Taya said. “If you want goddesses, you need Athena or Hera. Or maybe Arachne.”

“I prefer my skin firmly attached to my body, so I’ll pass.”

“Then I’ll drop the issue,” Fleur said. “Far be it from me to stand in the way of your goals, after all. As for myself, I’ll keep my encounter with the queen private.”

“Should I talk about dating the deer prince?” Taya asked.

“It might help keep suitors away,” Fleur replied. “If they know foreign royalty is interested in your filly, they’ll be less likely to pounce. Anyone who still tries to court her will be powerful enough that you’ll have to meet with, even if you refuse them.”

“And you said I can’t get married, right mommy?” Taya asked.

“You’re an eternafilly treesister. I doubt any noble would be interested in marrying you given that you’re essentially infertile. I mean, I won’t stand in your way, but I wouldn’t expect many takers. Fleur can teach you to lead Bramble by the nose.”

“We had a few talks while you were in the coma, actually,” Fleur said.

“It shouldn’t be hard to toy with him,” Taya said. “Don’t worry, mommy. I’m not as bad as you, so I’m sure nothing will happen.”

“Good. Enjoy your date in Canterlot, then.” The chariot went quiet, thankfully. I guess we all had things to think about. The world wasn’t wavy anymore, so I figured the mushroom tea finally wore off.

When we got to Canterlot, the chariot touched down in my backyard. It rolled to a stop between the two cherry blossom trees. Taya and I stepped onto the lush grass. “The deer are the last competitors I expect to sign up,” Fleur said. “I’ll need to finalize all preparations with the committee in charge of the pageant. It’ll begin in a few days, so don’t leave town for long.”

“I don’t plan on it. I’ll see you soon, Fleur.”

“Indeed. I’ll be discreet about what happened with the deer. Please consider doing the same. Farewell for now, both of you.” With that, the chariot began moving again, taking her up and away.

“So, time to go brag to Doppel about your latest conquest?” Taya asked.

“Yep!” I led the way to the door, where my chief maid was already waiting with a smile. “Doppel, you’ll never guess what happened!”

“You had sex with the king or queen, didn’t you?”

“Nevermind, you did guess what happened. I pegged the king up the bum after he drugged me with mushroom tea.”

“Congratulations, my lady. How was the rest of the trip?”

“Awful. The deer suck.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. As far as I know, no changeling spy has ever successfully infiltrated a deer city, so I really don’t know much about them.”

“Count yourself lucky. They’re worse than Celestia. If they were a bigger threat, something would need to be done about them.”

“...That bad?” she asked with a small flinch.

“They sacrifice unplanned babies, sell criminals to dragons as food, and use magic to literally brainwash the citizens.”

“Yeah, that does sound pretty bad. What are you gonna do?”

“I dunno. So, have I had any guests or deliveries?”

“Yes, a letter arrived. Come inside, my lady. It’s on one of the tables.”

My filly and I followed her in. One of the new maids was already setting down tea for us. Sure enough, a letter was sitting next to one of the cups. I took a seat and used Taya’s horn to slice open the letter. She only looked slightly offended, so I figured it was okay.

“It has Princess Cadance’s seal,” Doppel said as I started reading it.

The letter was an official invitation to another summit, this time between royalty and me. There was also a note under it chastising me for not informing her that I was awake. She and her husband were going to take the first train down to Canterlot, along with Eva. That meant they’d be here tomorrow, probably, assuming the letter arrived via magic.

“Cadance and Eva are coming to visit,” I said.

“That’ll be fun,” Taya said, sipping at her tea. “Things are going to get lively.”

“It’ll be good to see them again. Are you gonna become human again?”

“I dunno, maybe. You didn’t seem too happy last time…”

“I prefer you in your own bodies, but I won’t tell you how to live your lives. It’s just, you won’t be as soft, squishy, or fuzzy if you’re a human. That means no belly rubs, ear scritches, or cuddles. Could you really live with that?”

“It would be hard…”

“I manage just fine,” Doppel said.

“Because you’ve never known such joys,” Taya said. “But if you knew and lost them, coping would be difficult.”

“Anyway, is there other news?” I asked.

“The mare from the tower has returned with a new horn,” Doppel said. “She’s experimenting with it upstairs. The new maids have officially started, as you can see. There have also been a large number of letters from other nobles, but I screened them and determined you didn’t need to see them.”

“Wonderful. Have you failed to learn her name as well?”

“No, I’m just impressed by your dedication and want to help you keep it going,” she replied. “You personally recruited this mare and solved a major dilemma for her without ever actually learning her name. I wonder what she’ll say when she finds out…”

“No clue. Taya, you want to see if you can learn anything from her? She was one of the seven, so she might have some interesting insights.”

“That might be worthwhile.” She drained her tea and stood back up. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me, mommy.”

“See you, then.” I booped her and she was off. “So, I believe my schedule is clear for the day.”

“It might be a good time to talk to Silver Quill,” Doppel said. “Would you like me to ask her to join you downstairs?”

“If you would. It’s about time I got a grip on my finances.”

“As you command.”

And so I spent the rest of the day learning just how rich I really was. As it turns out, the answer was very. Bankrolling the village wouldn’t be a problem and starting several new businesses would be simple. It was only a matter of time before I became a massive tycoon.

I was looking forward to it.

Chapter Two Hundred and Eight

Chapter Two Hundred and Eight

“So, what did you think of the deer?” Luna asked when she returned that night. I was still sitting downstairs, having just finished going over business ideas with Silver Quill. From her estimation, the first thing I should do is start my own accounting company to keep track of everything else. She was probably right, so I asked her to go to a bank to sort it out for me. Luna was the first one to come downstairs in a while, actually.

“I was not a fan,” I replied. “They were quite open about their culture. The king even admitted to using the barrier to brainwash people. Then they mentioned something about sacrificing babies. It was quite the ordeal. The city was beautiful, though.”

“Indeed, the city is aesthetically pleasing. Though I think it might be prettier if it were wreathed in flames of hellfire…”

“Sounds like work. I have some questions about what you told Aspen about me. Is it true you mentioned some of our sex life?”

“No, of course not.” I lifted an eyebrow. “I told them about your sex life with everyone, not just our own. I made sure to include as many details as I could!”

I couldn’t stop myself from sighing. “Why would you do that?”

“To make Aspen and Fyr jealous, of course.”

“The king asked me to dominate him today. However, he was disappointed when he learned I was female.”

“Did it make him change his mind?”

“No, of course not. I put stuff up his butt, slapped him around, and just generally taught him a prey’s place.”

“Sounds utterly delightful, my lady,” Luna replied with a small blush. “If you ever think I need reminding, please don’t hesitate.”

“I’m actually somewhat upset about this series of events. You see, he drugged me before doing the dirty. And the whole reason he got the idea to do lewd things with me is because of you.”

“...My lady, are you really upset?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow. “I thought you had some kind of collection going, or something?”

“The deer are creepy. I don’t want the details of my life shared with them. I sorely hope you aren’t sharing more information about me with others.”

“The only time any of the other vassals or servants will talk to me is when it’s about you or work. Since you talk about yourself so little, we like to compare notes and share information. Some of the guards also have bets about which royal you’ll have fun with next, so thank you for winning me some pocket change. Sentinel will also be quite pleased, I’m sure.”

“At least someone won from this whole ordeal. The king didn’t even have the decency to seem traumatized after I toyed with him. I’m sure I listed at least seven recipes for cooking deer while riding him… Tch, bastard…”

“You never gave me such a wonderful treatment! Where are all your recipes for cooking horses?”

“Humans where I lived didn’t eat horses. My family had some for work reasons, so they were basically big pets as far as I was concerned.”

“The belly rubs and ear scritches suddenly make more sense.”

“Plus the initial revulsion at the thought of sex with one.” Not that it ended up mattering. “Anyway, I’m going to have to punish you. Give me your hoof.”

“M-my hoof?” she whispered, holding one up. I stood and grabbed it, then held it like I was trying to shoe it. Once it was secure, I started tickling the frog of her hoof. Blaze recommended it, and that’s when I remembered how effective it was on her way back at the Summer Wrap Up festival. Sure enough, it had her giggling and then outright laughing in seconds. I heard some people walking into the room, but there was no reason to pay them any mind.

I continued punishing my vassal for her past transgressions until Flo warned me. I didn’t want Luna making a mess, so I finally released her hoof. “I hope this taught you a very valuable lesson,” I said, finally turning to face her.

“G-gambling is w-wrong?” she breathlessly replied. Her face was bright red and she was panting like crazy. It was a pretty good look for her. It was almost cute enough for me to forgive her, but I thumped her in the nose. She hung her head. “I’m sorry for telling the deer king all about your hot monkey dick, my lady…”

“Oh, so you had sex with the king?” Kat asked from behind Luna. She was smirking, for whatever reason, though she quickly latched herself onto one of my arms. “Congratulations, my lady.”

“Well, you know how it goes. Is something wrong, Watcher?” I’m not sure why, but it looked like he had just seen a ghost. Maybe he had the spell that let him see ghosts active? But no, he was actually looking at me…

“Were you just… tickling her?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“You punished the rebellious night princess with tickles? And it worked?!”

“Are you just now realizing that I’m amazing, Watcher? I’m surprised it took so long.”

“So this means I won the bet, right?” Sentinel asked, popping up behind Watcher. “How was the trip, my lady? Got any juicy deets about the king?”

“He wanted to play with a predator so I did stuff to his butt and slapped him around. You know the drill.”

“I know I don’t need the money, but I never get tired of winning,” Sentinel said with a big grin.

“How was the rest of the trip?” Watcher asked.

“Shitty. The deer are worse than the rumors. We got them to agree to send a representative to the pageant, but a part of me wishes we failed.”

“Did this teach you a very valuable lesson, my lady?” Luna innocently asked.

“Yeah, fuck cervines. The only way to undo their own brainwashing would probably be with our own brainwashing, but I don’t know if they’re bad enough to warrant that. Maybe if they had more influence, but if they’re just minding their own business…”

“It’s best not to worry about the deer at all,” Princess Gilda said, finally showing her face. That meant the entire away team was probably back. “They think we’re still barbaric enough to eat sapient creatures, so they send us slaves all the time.”

“What becomes of them?” I asked.

“We educate them about the real world, then dump them with the others. Most of them live in a town that borders Equestria. The deer that get sent to us are apparently the lucky ones. Some get sent to the dragons. Others are killed outright. The things I’ve heard about deer cities are all unpleasant. Are they actually attending the pageant?”

“One of their city-states is, yes. It’s Thicket, the one near Ponyville.”

“I’m impressed you managed to convince them. Though if I heard correctly, your magic hands may have been part of the reason.”

“Yes, he probably enjoyed as I traced lines across his skin, detailing how I’d cut him up to serve him certain ways.”

“That’s super bucked up,” Sentinel replied.

“That creepy old man drugged me! I had every right to do bucked up and fucked up things to him.”

“He’s not that old,” Luna muttered.

“And every right to talk openly about it?” Watcher asked.

“He didn’t ask me to keep silent.”

“How were the drugs?” Kat asked.

“They were really nice, but that’s not the point. It’s rude to drug people without permission. What I did was supposed to teach him a lesson, but aside from the limp and despite all the tears and screams during, he seemed to enjoy it! Deer really are the worst.”

“I can honestly say that’s not something I ever wanted to hear a countess say,” Watcher replied, shaking his head in disappointment. “Equestria really is going downhill…”

“Oh please, I’ve been a net positive on Equestria. Brainwashing Celestia alone grants me a huge amount of points. I’m also kinda a hero. I may be pure scum sometimes, but generally, I’ve been a plus. Also, you’re rich enough to be a sugar daddy because of me, so you really shouldn’t complain.”

“I just think Celestia put too much stock in you changing before she made you a noble. Maybe she should have waited for you to change first…”

“I’m a model lady. I think I proved it today, since my negotiations were successful. You should be praising me, if anything!”

“You did well, my lady,” Luna replied.

“At least some of you appreciate me. So, it’s the first day of spring. That means I’ll be up all night. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

“I don’t mind keeping you company,” Kat said, cuddling up closer to me. “I can stay up for days at a time with no problems!”

“I also volunteer,” Luna added. “Magic can keep me going for as long as I need, so I’d be happy to be at your side every minute of every day.”

“You’d have plenty of time to study technology,” Gilda said. “If you’re going to be forming a college based on it, you’ll need to know a lot more than you do now.”

“It would be a good chance to spend time with your filly,” Sentinel said. “She’ll be awake right alongside you.”

“Good point. We can have a girl talk or something.” I used to have more chances to talk to her one-on-one, but living on the ship kinda curtailed that. Having all night to spend with each other would be neat.

“Being a tree sister truly sounds interesting,” Gilda said. “Taya mentioned a potion. Would you be willing to share the recipe?”

“No, but I would be willing to share a potion. I’m not really sure this is something that should be experimented with, so I don’t think spreading the recipe would be the best idea. Though wouldn’t it be bad for a griffin royal to become quasi-immortal? Would that cause any succession issues?”

“I’m not in the line for the throne, so no. I’m just a member of the royal family. Becoming immortal means I could start to pull strings over time, though. And it would mean you’d have a friend in our kingdom for a very long time. I would like the recipe, but just the potion would be enough for now.”

“I have a book on the long-term effects of becoming a tree sibling. I’ll have it translated so others can decide for themselves what to do. If you still want the potion after that, we’ll talk.” Maybe I could have a tree sister workshop or something? “You’ll also need to decide which tree you want to mimic.”

“The flowers in your hair are so adorable,” Kat said, batting at one of them with her paw. “And this braid is perfect! I think cherry blossoms might make the best tree sisters, personally.”

“It was the king’s work. He violated my hair without permission.”

“Tch, lucky,” Luna muttered, looking away. I wonder if Bimbo Mode would work on a pony? Wait, no, I’m supposed to be better than that now.

“Who all can get a potion?” Sentinel asked.

Way to put me on the spot. “That will be decided on an individual basis, based on my personal discretion.”

“So, your favorites?” Watcher asked. I shrugged. “Well, Taya is the one who has the recipe and Zecora will be the one brewing the potion. That means they’ll have to agree, too.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue. So, I have spending time with my filly and learning more on the list. Any other suggestions?”

“Practice various skills, perhaps?” Kat asked. “I’d be happy to spend time practicing combat with you!”

“It would do you well to prepare more for battle,” Luna said. “I’d be happy to get my saddle so you can practice riding me under pressure.”

“That’s a good point. The beauty pageant is coming up. I don’t really have many skills, so maybe I should practice some of the ones I do have. Like… juggling. And… I’m probably going to lose on the first night. I’m looking forward to not having to deal with it anymore.”

“You’re in luck, then,” Gilda said. “Fleur heard that some contestants were worried about getting eliminated in the first night, so instead of us getting picked off one by one, we’ll compete until the end and the winners will be decided from all of us.”

“That’s the worst! She’s doing it just to make me and Kumani squirm!”

“Isn’t she doing it to make you squirm?” Sentinel asked. “Kumani’s just an innocent bystander who’ll get caught in the fire. You really do attract some troublesome ones, don’t you?”

My eyes moved from Luna to Kat before I hung my head and sighed. “Now I just want to go to bed…”

“That’s certainly where I’ll be,” Watcher said. “Have fun, my lady.” He chuckled before excusing himself. It was still too early for bed, so he was probably just trying to escape before he got dragged in.

“I think both of you promised to do something about your clinginess,” Sentinel said. “You know our lady doesn’t like it.”

“I am merely offering my services,” Luna haughtily replied.

“A blood servant’s place is attached to her lady’s side,” Kat said, making no effort to remove herself. “That way, I’ll always be able to sacrifice myself for her!”

“I’ve already ordered you not to do that. I can come back from the dead. You can’t. That means your life is more important.”

“I don’t think that’s something a countess is allowed to say,” Sentinel said.

“And that sounds like something a commoner would say,” I replied. “I can give my vassals pretty much any order I like. Luna, who would you prioritize, me or you?”

“You, of course. It doesn’t matter if you can come back or not. It would do me irreparable mental harm if you were to come to harm due to something I could have prevented.”

“So you’re going to disobey your lady’s order over some self-serving nonsense? You belong to me, don’t you?”

“That’s one order I could never choose to obey,” Luna said with a small grin. “Of course I’d do anything to protect you, no matter what.”

“...And Kat’s just as crazy as you are, so I bet her answer is similar.”

“It’s my duty to be your guardian,” Kat said. “So there’s no doubt I’ll protect you to my last breath.”

“How difficult would it be to get a hot blood servant of my own?” Gilda asked.

“Well, first you have to go to Egypt,” I said.

“Then I guess it’s already too much for me,” she said, sighing.

“Kat, would you be willing to spoil the princess tonight?” I asked.

“If it is as my lady wishes,” Kat replied.

“Then she’s yours to play with. Have fun with her.” Gilda looked somewhat surprised, but didn’t complain when Kat’s purring body draped over her own. “You’re not ready for Luna, so you’ll have to settle for just Kat.”

“I am pleased that there are still new things yet to be discovered here in Equestria,” Gilda replied. “Thank you, Nav. And thank you, Kat.”

“Let’s go freshen you up, your highness,” Kat said, tweaking one of Gilda’s wings. “After a long day of work, you should take some time to rest!” It was easy enough for her to drag Gilda out, leaving me stuck with Sentinel and Luna, plus the new maid who was bringing in more tea.

“Shall I get my saddle?” Luna sweetly asked. “You can ride me all night long, my lady!” The maid’s face lit up bright red, but she didn’t say anything.

“That won’t be necessary. And Sentinel is right, I asked you to stop being creepy.” I didn’t really want tea and I was starting to think I’d have to tell them not to bring it out every time people show up. But since it was already there, I regretfully drank some. “Sentinel, would you like to be Luna’s minder?”

“I don’t think I’m durable enough for the task, my lady,” Sentinel replied, shaking her head.

“True, I guess that might be a bit much to ask of a pony. Oh, we should revive Poira.”

“Securing the Everfree comes first,” Luna said. “You’ll need to use your trees to purify the place. If Poira is released now, the monsters within will begin leaving the forest, causing great havoc. You’ll have to mind me yourself, my lady!”

“Please don’t sound so proud of that. Then I guess I’ll say this: I’ll let you know if I think it’s time to ride you. Until then, don’t worry about it.”

“...You give orders that are much more difficult than my sister’s.”

“But the ear scritches are better,” I said, demonstrating on one of her ears.

“It’s like all the stress just flows away,” Luna whispered, giving herself up to the wonderful sensations my fingers produced.

“So, how was work?” I asked. “Are you making good progress at the bunker?”

“We didn’t discover anything big today, I’m afraid,” Sentinel said. “Most of our day was spent babysitting archaeologies. Celestia’s taking this very seriously, it seems. There don’t seem to be any roaming spirits, so it seems to be completely safe in the areas that have been cleared. You’re welcome to join us down there one day, my lady.”

“I will, eventually. Would you like an ear scritch, too?”

“No thank you, I’m fine.”

“You really should treat yourself sometime,” Luna said. “It would probably help your feminine charms. I’ve only gotten cuter since our lady began spoiling me!”

“Is that really something you should be saying?” Sentinel asked. “Nav, did you strip the shame from both of our princesses or were they always like this?”

“They were like that when I got here. As if a mere mortal like myself could change someone so ancient and powerful. Did you hear the part where she told the deer king all about my sexual escapades when she last visited? That was like a hundred and fifty chapters ago, so I barely had any time with her at that point.”

“...Chapters?”

“Point is, I’m a victim, not the cause. So I’d appreciate sympathy, not blame. Or should I remind you of that time Celestia cast a lust spell on me right before she went into heat and I got trapped in the palace for a week?”

“I don’t really want to know the details, but when was this again?” Sentinel asked.

“The week after we caught Chrysalis, leading up to the real wedding between Cadance and Shiny. I don’t remember much of it, myself. Apparently I got to steal Celestia’s crown, though. Pinkie Pie still has the pictures. I also asked Celestia if she was technically bald, since that stuff on her head isn’t really like hair. Both of the sisters were huge sluts that were just waiting for someone to latch onto.”

“I protest being called a slut,” Luna replied, pouting at me.

“The first wager you ever made with me was one where the winner got to sexually dominate the loser. Sentinel, how does that sound to you?”

“It sounds… slutty, my lady.”

“If any of my habits seem strange to you, please keep in mind that some of my formative years were spent as a plaything for these two ancient, slutty sisters.”

“Yes, things make more sense now,” Sentinel said, staring quite pointedly at Luna. “It’s a shame your time was spent servicing old hags. Did they allow you to spend time with other mares?”

“I was punished for sleeping with Moonbeam. The punishment was that everyone in the country would have naughty dreams about me for a week or so.” Sentinel’s stare turned into a glare. “Anyway, would either of you happen to know the process to set up a business in Equestria?”

“That’s quite the subject change, my lady,” Luna said.

“It’s in your benefit, so deal with it. I asked Silver, but she didn’t know. I was hoping an ex-princess might.”

“It differs per city,” Luna said. “In cities owned by the crown, like Canterlot, you need to register with the local branch of the Merchant’s Guild. They can help you find a storefront, a warehouse, and workers. Some noble-owned cities have branches of the Merchant’s Guild, but some have local guilds instead.”

“Is it really okay for a countess to become a merchant?” Sentinel asked.

“Most nobles register through proxies,” Luna said. “Trusted individuals like retainers or vassals would register and act in the noble’s interest at the guild. However, joining the Merchant’s Guild requires a fee. All business expenses, profit records, and other such documents are to be passed onto the guild quarterly for audit. They also handle collecting taxes for the crown.”

“That sounds like it’s open to incredible amounts of corruption.”

“Thus, the reason I know all the rules,” Luna replied. “Blossom and I stamped out the corruption in Canterlot shortly after I originally returned. As for other cities, well… Bureaucrats, especially corrupt ones, tend to be well-informed. None would dare stand in your way, my lady. Not when it would mean making an enemy out of Celestia herself. And not when it would likely mean earning even less money in the long run.”

“I probably should use a vassal for this. Where’s Gourd? I don’t think I’ve seen him since I woke up.”

“The elementals have the Second Chance and the Ambassador flying all over the place,” Sentinel said. “I think Flo is spearheading the mission. Apparently they’re ordering things from skilled craftsmen.”

“Flo?” I asked.

She took over my mouth to say aloud, “Your village is going to start with a very big population of radically different groups. They’ll need to begin working together to support themselves quickly. Jak and the Skyhold will be busy constructing housing and golems. We decided it would be best to outsource the labor for items required for industry. In an attempt to keep our plans secret from any possible competitors or saboteurs, we decided to spread our orders out across several regions. After all, this will be your time to prove to everyone that you’re going to bring prosperity to the world. We must hit the ground running.”

“At this point, there’s basically nothing left for me to do. You’re really into this.”

“There is still much for you to do, Nav,” Luna said. “Making the population meld together will be your responsibility. That is what the leader is for, after all. That said, you wouldn’t need to register any business you plan to run in your town. You wouldn’t qualify for a Merchant’s Guild until your population gets high enough.”

“The first thing I want to start is a transport company,” I replied. “It’ll operate nation-wide and teleport goods and people from one city to another. I was hoping to use the town as a central warehouse to store goods we buy cheap in one area. With stores all over the place, I can easily compare prices of local goods and then ship items I bought cheaply in one place to a place I can sell them for more. Once I have enough market research, I can look into making stores in places where the required resources are cheap. A clothing shop where cotton and wool is farmed, for example, or a machining shop where metal is mined. The products can then be sold anywhere I have teleporters. With enough time, I’ll have supermarkets in major cities where you can obtain fresh fruit and vegetables from all over the world at any time of the year, along with all kinds of commonly wanted commodity items like makeup and tools.”

“That sounds like a paradise,” Sentinel said.

“No, just a Walmart,” I replied. “Such places were common in my time. Having nothing like it here has been a major drag, so I’m going to do something about it. And like Luna said, if anyone stands in my way, I’ll sic a princess on ‘em.”

“Won’t that mean incredible profits?” Luna asked.

“Yes, to the point where other businesses will probably lose customers. I can obtain products cheaper so I can sell them for lower prices. I’ll be making more money from these markets than Celestia will from all the taxes in the country, guaranteed. I don’t even have to call it a promise, either. It’s simply just a matter of time.”

“Will my ex-sister agree to that, though?” Luna asked.

“She already handed me the reins of her economy. These aren’t my only ideas. The printing presses in this world could use some work. I’d like to get some book stores running. Then there’s the cotton gin. That one will be a nightmare to bring in without breaking society, but Celestia will figure it out somehow. It’ll be a few decades, but I’ll get this society up to speed. With luck, we can get a space elevator rolling soon and then build a moon base. Push comes to shove, evacuation might be a route we could take. I wouldn’t mind chilling on ice on the way to Alpha Centauri.”

“Who’d want to live on the moon?” Sentinel asked.

“People who like cheese, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “I’m going to do all kinds of fun things, as long as I live long enough. You sure you signed up with the right lady, Sentinel?”

“I could never doubt you now, Countess,” she replied with a bow.

“You just might deserve a belly rub. Would you like to assume the position?”

“I’m afraid I must refuse, though I’m honored by the offer.”

“There’s no need to be so humble, you know. Sometimes you should just accept your rewards properly. It’s somewhat hurtful to be denied the chance to show my gratitude…”

“Words of gratitude from my noble lady are more than enough,” Sentinel said, her ears twitching. “I am a humble mare of humble means. Desiring more would be above my station…” It felt pretty good in the room to me, but she was sweating for some reason. I narrowed my eyes slightly and she looked away. “Well, I think I need a shower after my hard day’s work. If you’ll excuse me, my lady…?”

“True, it would be better for both of us if your fur was clean when I pet you. I’ll allow it.” She darted away and flew upstairs.

“If you desire to rub a tummy, mine is always available,” Luna solemnly said, placing a hoof on my shoulder.

“Thank you for the sentiment. Now that the kids are gone, how would you take over the deer without killing them all?”

She removed her hoof with a sigh and looked down. “Hm, without killing them all? Well, in the first place, I’d have to ask why.” Her eyes moved back to mine, suddenly alert and focused. “They produce basically nothing, just enough to sustain themselves. They live in a forest, so even if they did start going outside their bubble, they couldn’t produce much more. I’ll admit that they have some secrets of magic that my sister and I likely aren’t aware of, but nothing that would seriously be worth the effort of conquering them. The only reason it might be considered worth it would be if you enslaved the entire population and had them shipped to various cities as workers. But if that’s all you wanted, we could just as easily get drones from Moonbeam or invite dogs from China or Mexico.”

“Let’s discount the why and focus on the how. Would it be possible?”

“...Conventionally, no. A siege would be pointless, since they produce everything inside their bubble. If you were able to get past the outer layer of the bubble, you’d have to be incredibly strong to withstand the internal defenses. Every tree would turn into an enemy. Deer with enough training can teleport at will, infinitely, which gives them the ability to surround you with a small number of constantly shifting targets. Vines will target you from the ground and the trees. Lightning will fall at you from the skies. The local residents will mindlessly throw themselves at you, forcing you to either subdue or kill the brainwashed populace. It would be a nightmare, my lady. I could probably make it through, kill the king, and erase the magic circle that produces the barrier, but there’s no telling how many deer I would have to murder in the process. With that level of brainwashing, I wouldn’t have the luxury of going easy on them.”

“So, unconventionally?”

“The obvious answer is with some brainwashing of our own,” Luna said. “If it works on Celestia, it would work on the deer. However, we’d have to infect all of the deer city-states. If any of them opened the gates to outsiders, the leaders would be recalled instantly and then executed. It truly is a surprise that they were willing to send a representative. I wonder if that’s the will of the Council or if it’s Aspen’s personal decision.”

“I figured if we could get them dependent on us for certain goods, we could wean them off the evilness a little at a time. Why are they even like that, anyway? I got the basic deer version while I was there, but do you know the truth?”

“It was right after Discord was locked into stone. Monsters were roaming freely, killing as they went. They were desperate times for all of us, my lady. A leader rose up among the deer and he managed to convince a few other deer species to join up in a defensive confederation. The basic tenet was to share knowledge and come to the aid of any other city under siege. Bandits, predators mostly, also attacked, enslaved, and sometimes even ate prey with abandon. Coming together the way they did probably saved a lot of deer lives. However, I believe your kind has a saying about the pathway to hell.”

“It’s paved with good intentions, yeah. While I was there, I kinda accused the original king of having less than pure intentions when he took power, and that he was probably paying outsiders to attack them.”

“It’s possible. I didn’t have the time to pay attention to other races back then. It was basically me and Reggie versus the world. Ah, the good ol’ days…”

“We can rampage and whatnot in Tartarus, so don’t go losing yourself in memories now. So the deer seriously aren’t worth it, are they?”

“They’d certainly be worthwhile allies. Their cities are basically impregnable fortresses. If we could gain access to a few and garrison troops within them, our territory would be much more secure.”

“If we’re going that far, we should just steal their magic. Do you think you and Twilight could sneak in?”

“No. Nothing gets through or under the barrier without notice.”

“Well, the main goal would be to replicate their power source. I could live without the cloaking if we could find a way to harness all that nature magic as a defensive shield.”

“...Nature magic?” Luna slowly said.

“Taya said that’s how the entire place is powered, barrier included. I imagine the reason the deer can teleport so freely is because the magic permeates the air.”

“It seems a tree sister’s magic senses are finer than even my own, at least when it comes to nature magic. If that truly is the case, we might be able to sneak in. Getting caught would have consequences, though. Apparently espionage is frowned upon these days.”

“Plan A: Steal their magic. Plan B: If caught, move toward eradicating them all instead.”

“Ah, that would work. Shall I begin drafting plans?”

“Not yet, we’re just spitballing ideas.”

“...Spitballing? Is that another lewd term?”

“Not this one, no. It’s when you shoot a small wad of paper through a straw and it sticks to something. In this case, we’re just talking in general terms, trying to come up with a method of approach that we could put more detail into later. Not that I expect conquering the deer will become necessary. It’s just… man they’re fucked up.”

“We should go for it,” Taya suddenly said. I looked up and there she was in the doorway. “By the way, what did you do to Sentinel?”

“I was just trying to reward her.”

“Well, I’ll be happy to take her belly rub.”

“Anyway, we’re not going to attack the deer. This is all strictly hypothetical. Besides, the prince seemed quite taken by you, Taya. He’s the perfect target for you to learn how to toy with guys. He can’t get you pregnant and there’s no way he’ll marry you.”

“How did you make that sound like an insult?” Taya asked, tilting her head. “I mean, I know it’s because he’s a prince, but it feels like my femininity has been called into question…”

“Trust me when I say you’re probably better off without a prince asking for your hoof in marriage,” I replied. “The council will pick a wife for him at some point. That won’t be something he can fight against. Until then, you can toy with him at your leisure. Does that offend you less?”

“Slightly. You’re still assuming I want to toy with a boy, though.”

“You said you weren’t interested in other fillies. Don’t you think it would be good to get the practice in case you ever need it?”

“W-well… The plans are already made, anyway. Even if I thought I was making a friend instead of a coltfriend…”

“Do your best, Taya,” I said with a nod. “Though if you want him as a friend instead, you should make that clear the next time you see him. But I mean, after meeting them today… Do you really want a deer as a friend? Having one as a toy would be better, in my opinion.”

“Isn’t what we saw today the exact reason why we should try befriending them?” Taya asked. “But… The next time we go to a country, can it be one with a princess my age?”

“Luna, are there any such countries?”

“The primary leader of the minotaurs has a fairly young daughter. However, I’m not sure at what rate minotaurs mature, so her mental age is up in the air.”

“Good, I wanted to recruit them anyway,” I said. “Is a minotaur pseudo-princess fine, Taya?”

“Iceland is also an option,” Luna happily added. “Pyrite has many daughters of varying ages. Since he’s officially the Dragon King of Iceland now, they’d be princesses.”

“Hard pass on the dragons,” Taya said. “A minotaur would do nicely. She’d have hands to pet me with! Isn’t that the best thing a pony could ask for in a friend? Although talking to Bramble about nature magic was kinda fun…”

“Then befriend him instead,” I said with a shrug. “I believe in you.”

“I thought you wanted me to seduce him.”

“I want you to have fun. I figured seducing him would be an interesting challenge for you. But what you do is up to you. Although, why would you prefer to befriend a princess?”

“A princess would be more useful for you, right?”

“I’m not looking for my filly’s friends to be useful to me. Please think of a more selfish reason.”

“Um… So they can use their power as royalty to benefit me personally?”

“That’s more reasonable,” I replied with a nod. “Just don’t go overboard with it. Most young princesses don’t really have much power. I mean, think about Gilda. She’s so unwanted that even her guest chambers go uncleaned.”

“Even I had more influence than that,” Luna said, shaking her head sadly. “Though that’ll all change if you truly do give her one of those potions.”

“So… princesses are usually worthless?” Taya asked, her head tilting.

“The non-Equestrian world usually rates princesses as the lowest of royalty,” I said. “It might be different now, but back before my time, there were some places that didn’t let women come into power at all. That meant princesses were almost exclusively used to form alliances with powerful factions through marriage. They’re given a nice life, but have essentially no real power.”

“It’s mostly the same here,” Luna said. “Celestia and I have our reasons for refusing to claim the title of queen, but we essentially acted in that position. Thus, Equestria was ruled by princesses. The custom has also transferred over to the Crystal Empire now, it seems.”

“...Empress Cadance,” I muttered, looking down. “Given how perverted she is, it actually seems to fit her better… Think we can get her to switch?”

“It would definitely go to her head,” Taya said. “We should refrain.”

“I concur with Taya,” Luna said with a nod. “We’d probably find her making Shining Armor lick her hooves.”

The blue maid cleared her throat and grinned. “Agreeing to work here was the best decision ever, my lady,” she softly said. “Working in a noble’s house gives me so much to gossip with my sister about!”

“As long as it stays in the house, I don’t care who you gossip with,” I said. “As I’m sure you may have noticed, interesting tidbits tend to crop up in our conversations. I won’t make it too easy on you, but expect to stay entertained for a while.”

“Yes, my lady!” I wasn’t expecting her to grin so innocently, but I wasn’t going to complain. After all, I had no right to say anything to the mare whose name I had already forgotten.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my brain?

Eh, whatever.

“Mommy, I have a question,” Taya said. “Did Cadance’s letter mention where they would actually stay?”

“Well, I assume they’re staying in the palace, right?” I asked. “I mean, they’re visiting royalty. Eva and co can stay here with no problem, but I don’t think Cadance could figure out a way to force her way in here.”

“Is it truly so far-fetched?” Luna asked, tilting her head. “There’s already precedent, is there not? Princess Gilda is forgoing the palace and staying here. And there’s also precedent for Cadance living with you.”

“...There was a P.S in her letter,” I muttered, scrounging around for the thing. I had gotten displaced by all the financial paperwork, but I found it quickly. “P.S, Please do your best to accommodate us all!”

“I think she got us,” Taya said, hanging her head.

“Gosh darnit,” I said with a sigh. “Well, we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.”

“Is that how the idiom goes these days?” Luna asked. “I thought it was something about crossing bridges. Or maybe it was burning bridges after they were crossed? Hm, how did it go?”

“Don’t let her confuse you,” Taya said. “She mixed two idioms as bait to see if someone would change the subject for her.”

“You shouldn’t assume motives, Taya,” I said, booping her. “That’s how tragic miscommunications arise.”

“It’s not an assumption. I know you like the back of my hoof, mommy.”

“She meant my motives,” Luna said with a proud grin. “I knew she was trying to change the subject and spoke up to assist.”

“I know Luna acts the way she does, but that doesn’t mean you can underestimate her,” I said. “She may be dangerously insane, but she’s old, wiley, and smart.”

“Your words were meant to build me up and yet somehow I can only feel insulted,” Luna whispered, eyes avoiding mine.

“Well, and I’ll stress that this is only theoretical… If I ever were to practice riding, it would have to be at night. Maybe that’ll cheer you up.” Sure enough, a strange grin split her face. Subject successfully changed.

Thankfully, it wasn’t all that difficult to get the annoying ones to go to bed at a normal time. All it took was a few direct orders and ignoring some sulky looks. Taya and I were still going strong when the last holdout, Doppel, finally traded places with Aurora, who had been tentatively assigned to the night shift. The only ones he had to tend to were us and the few guards who were up and about, so he probably wouldn’t be too busy.

That said, it didn’t take long for his first task to present itself. A knock at the door pulled him out of the sun room, where the rest of us had congregated. I had been looking for an excuse to ditch the troops, so this was a godsend. “Who’d be visiting this late?” one of the guards asked.

“A vampire,” I replied. All of my pony soldiers thought highly of Blossom, so there were no complaints. “If the human legends are true, vampires can’t enter homes without permission.”

“That explains why she always required a warrant!” one of the guards said.

“Isn’t that just being a good, law-abiding guard?” I asked. My soldiers all scoffed, though none made an actual rebuttal.

It didn’t take long for our undead guest to enter. “Good evening, my… Wait, Nav? Is that… really you?” She seemed quite surprised by my transformation, which I suppose made sense.

“Yes, it’s really your favorite human. How have things been, Blossom?”

“Things have been going exceptionally well for me, but… You’ve really changed, haven’t you? Your wings and tail for sure, but even your body and… your facial structure, slightly. What on earth?”

“There’s your problem: It wasn’t Earth,” I said. “It was a pocket dimension inhabited by insane and powerful human-esque mages. One of them happened to have been the goddess of beauty, among other things. So while I was sleeping, she decided, unprompted and without asking, to beautify me. She succeeded, which kinda sucks.” Seriously, how is this my life?

“Well. How was the coma?”

“It was alright, I guess. I got to see some conversations between some of my friends. You know, things like how easy to manipulate I am.” Her ears twitched and she looked away. “Things like how to seduce me, sometimes. Oh, and how to talk me into all sorts of humiliating things. It was quite enlightening.” She’s lucky vampires couldn’t blush. If they could, she’d probably have to try to hide her face.

“I’m… sorry you had to go through that,” Blossom said, still not looking me in the eyes.

“Yes, well, I realize that I brought it on myself. I only have a few hard feelings, so don’t worry.”

“Besides, you’re too cute to stay mad at,” Taya helpfully added.

“I happen to have a legal question, if you wouldn’t mind,” I said. “I know importing alcohol is illegal, but what about exporting it?”

“The laws were originally written on the assumption that nobody in Equestria knew how to make alcohol,” Blossom said. “That means there are no provisions about making, consuming, or exporting it. In the past, that meant possessing it meant you got it through smuggling, which made all alcohol in Equestria contraband. But now that there are ways to produce it, we only go after mead, which we know is produced by griffons. So as long as you aren’t moving mead, you should be fine. Why?”

“I was planning on trading alcohol to the deer for hardcore drugs. Nothing for you to worry about.”

“Okay, good. I have a feeling you’re going to test my legal knowledge thoroughly in the future.”

“Yes, but not now. I happen to have a gift or two for you, Blossom. Taya?” My filly’s horn lit up and a shimmering jewel appeared. “Hungry?”

Blossom’s eyes gleamed, but she didn’t reach for it. “I feel like you might have ulterior motives in giving me this.”

“I want to see a friend of mine smile. I don’t see—”

“She wants to rub your belly,” Taya said, butting in where she wasn’t needed. “She went into detail with Fleur earlier…” Some of the guards started giggling, but an adorable glare from Blossom cut them off with chokes.

“It’s not like you have to let me,” I said. “I figured you’d enjoy a blood gem regardless. It’s not every day you can feast directly on something’s soul.”

“That’s true,” Blossom said, hesitantly taking the glittering sapphire. “It’s just… Well, these are super illegal. It’s one thing if it’s the Crystal Empire, but most people really shouldn’t have these in Equestria.”

“Well, now it’s in the hands of the law, where it belongs,” I replied with a shrug. “So really, think of taking it as doing me a favor.”

“And I guess I’m supposed to just ignore the part where you mentioned using monsters from the Everfree to create things like this?”

“Don’t you enjoy the taste of blood gems, Blossom?” I asked with a smile.

“So this is a bribe.”

“This is a gift for a friend of mine,” I said. “I enjoy giving my friends gifts. I don’t see how that could be misconstrued as bribery. Besides, if you’ll recall, the mines in question are in changeling territory. So as long as the only blood gems that enter Equestria go directly to a friend of mine who also happens to be capable of disposing of them, is there really a problem?”

“You’re trying your hardest, aren’t you?” she asked, sticking the gem to one of her fangs. The blue in the sapphire slowly disappeared until she pulled it back. It was still a faint blue, but had lost much of its luster. “Unfortunately for you, I don’t even need the power boost to tell that you’re lying. You really do just want to rub my belly. The rest is merely a smokescreen.”

“And what makes you assume that?”

“You have a liar’s breath,” she replied with a shrug. “Your filly smells like one who speaks truth.” Oddly enough, Taya’s horn lit up. “Oh, what’s this?”

“It’s a lie detector,” Taya said. “I always turn it on when mommy starts spouting nonsense. That means you were bluffing. You can’t tell if she’s lying or not.”

“You have so little faith in me,” I said. “What kind of noble would I be if I didn’t consider finding a way to get the captain of the guard to look the other way for certain endeavors of mine?”

“Well, the real joke’s on you,” Blossom said with a smirk. “As a countess, you have a right to deal in all manner of contraband, blood gems included. As long as they’re only dealt to people with similar permissions, of course.”

“You could have just said that when I asked about the alcohol.”

“Alcohol isn’t included in that list. It’s banned for importing across the board, with no exceptions.”

“Wait, was that story about Ponyfornia true?” I asked.

“...The only thing that sounds familiar is the old legend about a great earthquake that ripped part of the continent asunder millenia ago,” Blossom said. “It caused so much damage to the nation that most records of the time were lost. Droughts, unearthly storms, ash and debris raining from the skies…”

“One of the sisters told me a story about when they first arrived in Ponyfornia. The natives gave her some alcohol. She went on a rampage and set off an earthquake that broke off a portion of the continent and made it fall into the ocean. If I had to guess, I’d say there was an incredibly huge tidal wave in China or Australia afterward.”

“So, their tomfoolery has caused damage throughout the ages. At least we are not alone in our suffering, Navarone.”

“Amen to that. We’re not even the only ones Luna made immortal, either. Celestia freed the other victims after Luna was imprisoned on the moon.”

“…Freed?”

“Destroyed would be a better word. They were all undead as well. And not the reasonable kind, like you.”

“Thank you for saving all ponykind from those sisters,” Blossom whispered.

“You’re welcome. So, I’m not sure if you’ve heard yet, but you’ll have one more contestant to guard in the pageant.”

“Glade of Thicket,” Blossom said. “I’m not sure how the two of you did it, but you and Fleur make a good team. Not many diplomats can make the deer come out of their cities.”

“I did lewd things to the king’s butt,” I said. “That’s how we managed. This was after he gave me drugs without asking, of course.”

“Right, of course,” Blossom said, seemingly unsurprised. “Why wouldn’t it be, right?”

“You seem a lot less shocked than some of the others.”

“Well… This is you we’re talking about, after all. If you managed to convince the king by talking, I might have been surprised. But just seducing him? Eh, par for the course. The drug thing is new, but it’s still within the margin of error. I also hear little Miss Taya went. How did you enjoy the deer city?”

“It was pretty and the prince was nice, but the deer are creepy and evil.”

“Wait, creepy and evil?” Blossom asked, tilting her head. “I get creepy, but why evil?”

“I’ll let you pick which seems the most evil,” I said. “Selling your prisoners as food to dragons, sacrificing unplanned and disabled babies for magic power, or brainwashing every single citizen with magic. All of these and more are normal among the deer. Which sounds the worst to you?”

“D: All of the above,” she replied, sounding quite disgusted. “Wow. Seriously, Nav?”

“Straight from the mouth of their king. He was quite upfront about all of it, in fact.”

“The smile on his face was downright eerie,” Taya said with a shudder.

“Thicket gets a two out of ten from me,” I said. “I have no plans of going back. I’d advise you to remove it from your vacation planner.”

“I never intended to visit, but noted.” Her eyes turned to the windows facing the wall. “I’ve heard of Stormview Manor, but I’ve never actually been out back. Would you mind if we got some air?”

“Of course not.” I finally pulled myself out of the chair and led the way to the door. The guards watched, but were smart enough to realize Blossom was too shy to have her belly rubbed with them around. Even my filly remained inside, surprisingly enough.

“I… don’t remember those trees being here the last time I visited,” Blossom said when the door was shut. “How are cherry blossoms blooming this early?”

“They’re magic. Would you like to go to the edge of the cliff? Or would you prefer the secluded gazebo?”

“For now, the edge of the cliff.” This time, she led the way. “So were you seriously trying to bribe me?”

“I was trying to give a gift to a friend. Is that so wrong?”

“Blood gems are incredibly valuable, Nav.”

“And I’m incredibly wealthy. So what? It’s not like I won’t be making a huge amount of money everywhere else. What’s a hundred or so bits?”

“All so you can rub my tummy…”

“My goals weren’t entirely selfish. Only partially. You feel much better now, don’t you?”

“Yes. And the view from up here is better than I ever thought it could be. I can see the fine details in all the buildings in Ponyville… Incredible!”

“That’s pretty overpowered. How about this?” I started scritching one of her ears, making her gasp.

“Nav, your hands… They’re just ch-cheating!” Says the one with microscopic vision across several kilometers at night.

“Would you rather I not use them, then?” I sweetly asked, continuing to play with her soft and fuzzy ear.

“Ngh… If you insist…”

“I’m not insisting, though,” I said, pulling my hand back. It made her softly gasp, whereupon her eyes darted away. “Hm, is something the matter, Blossom?” There’s no way I could stop the smile that came to my face. The ear I had been playing with was twitching and she couldn’t meet my gaze. Simply put, it was super adorable.

“T-the view here is just… a little much,” she whispered. Her eyes were fixed on the windows leading in, for some reason. “How is the… the secluded gazebo?”

“It’s pretty private. You can barely see it from here,” I said, pointing off to the small copse of trees. Their leaves were already growing back, so the gazebo wasn’t completely hidden, but it would be impossible to see much. “It’s perfectly safe!”

“W-well… Let’s retire there. That will let me… my eyes, that is, rest!”

I couldn’t help myself from patting her on the head with a giggle. “Then let’s go, shall we?” The small smile on her face was hard to see, but worth it. “So, are you starting to think blood gems may be acceptable gifts?”

“I never complained about the quality,” she said. “It’s just… more valuable than I think you realize. And not just in terms of money. Being able to feel again, being able to live once more in the sun, feeling alive again… Returning once more to dead flesh is so difficult…”

“Then enjoy it while you can and look forward to it when you can’t. What do you think of the house, anyway?”

“I never would have expected you to buy such a famous and ostentatious manor. I think it’s wonderful, but I figured you would want something more… subdued.”

“Where in Canterlot can I find a manor like that?” I asked. “This one actually is on the tamer side, isn’t it?”

“Well, I never took you for living in a manor in the first place.”

“Being a noble comes with its own responsibilities. One of those is looking wealthy. Having an expensive and famous residence in the capital helps. It helps that I actually am wealthy, so buying it wasn’t an issue.”

“The house is beautiful, but I wouldn’t want to own it myself.”

“You don’t take care of the place you do have. A manor would be impossible. Well, unless you were a noble with land that brought in some cash so you could afford a staff. I’m sure we can annoy Celestia enough to make that happen.”

“Pass. I won’t go cheaply, unlike some people.”

I let that comment slide, since we arrived at the gazebo. “What do you think? Private enough?”

“I’ll hear anyone before they get close enough to see us, so yes. Nav…” She bit her lip and looked down.

“Say what’s on your mind,” I whispered, swooping in to play with the other ear. She whimpered ever-so-gently.

“N-Nav… Please be g-gentle…”

“Let’s take a seat, Blossom. You’ll fit fine across my lap, I promise.”

“Do you… promise not to t-tease me about it later?”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, so there’s no way I could tease you for it.” I sat on the bench and patted my lap. “Join me.”

She slowly walked over and plopped across my lap, leaving her back facing me. That’s not quite what I was looking for, but I’d roll her over for tummy access eventually. “We… We should check what all I can feel, right? While we still can, I mean…”

“So you want me to touch you all over, Blossom?” I sweetly asked.

“...P-please pet me, Navi.”

“As you wish!” Now that I was given consent, her soft and adorable body was mine to toy with. One of my hands went to her ears while the other started fiddling with one of her leathery wings. She was whimpering and gasping in no time. “How does it feel, Blossom?”

“N-nav… Please d-don’t…”

“Hm, you want me to stop?” I asked, moving the hand on her ears to her chin. I scratched at it, making her bite her lip.

“N-no! But… d-do you… have to t-tease me s-so much?”

“You’re so cute that I can’t help it, silly,” I said, stopping what I was doing so I could pull her up for a hug. “Ah, so nice and cool… Perfect for a humid spring night. There’s nothing to worry about, Blossom. Just let me toy with you and you’ll have fun, I promise!”

“T-toy with me?!”

“So relax and enjoy!” I finished by nibbling one of her ears while holding her in place so she couldn’t escape without actual effort. Since she didn’t put any in, I figured she would let me play with her.

I was quickly disabused of that notion. She suddenly shifted and I felt something prick me. Now that I thought about it, nibbling on her ear meant her mouth was right next to my neck. Blossom’s body shuddered as she sucked my blood and I felt something strange come over me. It was different than the shrooms from earlier, but felt much more pleasant. After a few seconds, she pulled away from my neck and gently lapped at it, making me twitch in a mix of pain and pleasure.

Finally, I felt… something coming from her. It was almost like I could feel her will. At the moment, it was telling me to do as I pleased. When I eased her back into my lap, she no longer put up any kind of struggle as I made her squirm and moan. With the connection, I knew just what to do for the best effect.

“You’re so much better than that old deer bastard,” I said as I stroked her in all the right ways. “He was not cute at all, but you… Ah, my lovely vampire queen, you’re ideal. I could devote all night to toying with you and not regret a thing!”

“T-tree sisters… You’re quite delicious, hm? And your hands… They’re p-perfect… I’m not s-sure what I did, but I know it’s only temporary. Some k-kind of mild enthrallment. But you b-brought this on yourself, Navi! You wanted to pet me all over, so I gotta make sure you do it right!”

“You’re cute enough to forgive,” I said, rubbing her flank. “But isn’t it about time we see how sensitive you really are? I want to hear my mistress moan in earnest!”

She was silent for several long seconds, looking off into the garden. Finally, a small grin crossed her face. “I permit you to do as you would.”

As much as I wanted to jump straight to the lewd stuff, there was a more pressing concern. I unceremoniously flipped her over and conquered her belly for a second time. It was just as cool and fluffy as I remembered. And of course, it made her truly begin moaning. It wasn’t loud enough that it would escape the gardens, but I wasn’t so sure she’d be able to detect anyone coming now.

That was her concern, though. Mine was pleasing my temporary vampiric owner. Thankfully, it coincided nicely with my own personal desire to toy with her.

Slow, my hand drifted lower and lower. Blossom’s loud moans proved once and for all how sensitive the blood gem made her. They just got louder and cuter the lower and deeper I went. But just to be completely sure, I was extremely thorough in my studies. That included testing how well she could feel tongues, for example.

It turns out that she’s quite sensitive to those as well. It was well worth experimenting.

Once my curiosity (and my mistress) was satisfied, I flipped her back over and spent some time just petting my favorite vampire. “So, what do you think?” I finally asked.

“Blood gems are better than I thought,” she whispered. “M-maybe… Maybe I could have some kind of… r-relationship…”

“Fleur and I would be happy to doll you up if you ever went on a date,” I said, once more claiming one of her ears. “You’re too soft, fuzzy, and adorable to give up now. You probably couldn’t have kids, but as long as you warned them, it should be fine.”

“Hm… Ah, your hands truly are cheating… I could fall asleep like this easily…”

“I have a much better idea, though. How about a nice warm bath? I wonder how it would feel while under the effect of the gem.”

“A wise suggestion, my minion. Very well, then. I’ll allow you to lead me to a bath!”

“The enthrallment wore off, actually. But it let me know how to push all the right buttons, so I’d say it was worth it.”

“Would you like me to nibble on you again, Navi?”

“Maybe in the bath. You didn’t take much earlier, after all. You can turn into mist, right? Can you go through doors?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Good, we can avoid the nut gallery and go straight to my room. Hop up, my dear vampire queen.”

“As you wish, my fairy princess.” She slid down off my lap and stretched before hopping down from the gazebo. Since she wanted to be annoying about it, I used my wings to float through the garden, leaving sparkles of light in my wake. She giggled and followed on the ground. Well, until we got to the staircase and she realized we were going straight up. Then she hopped into the air and landed next to me on the platform outside my room.

“Go through and unlock it for me, if you would,” I said. Before she had the chance, it opened from the other side, pushed by Darya. “Uh, hi.”

“Greetings, my lady,” she replied with a short bow. “Your bath is being readied now. Please note that Luna is sleeping on the bed, so try not to wake her.”

“Why is she sleeping on my bed?”

“You told her to go to bed. Since she knew you wouldn’t be using yours, she decided to borrow it. That way, she could fall asleep surrounded by your scent.”

“Nav, your vassals sure are… something.”

“Yes, they certainly are,” I said. “Darya, could you help keep Luna asleep? I want her full of energy tomorrow.”

“It will be done, my lady,” Darya replied. “Please, come in. I shall help undress you.” I had a feeling Blossom’s opinion of me was probably worsening, but that was fine. Darya helped me strip down and then I eased into the bath. It wasn’t full yet, but it was good enough.

Blossom just stared at the rising water for a little while, not moving an inch. “Do you… really think it’ll work?”

“Blossom, yo momma ain’t raise no bitch. Stop wondering and find out.”

“Right, of course.” Resolve burned in her eyes as she slid straight into the water. She gasped in surprise as the warm water enveloped her. “T-this… It feels so warm! My frozen heart is finally t-thawing…”

Wow, emo as shit. “I’m glad to hear that, I think.” Hopefully it won’t rot. “Come over here.” I pulled her next to one of the jets and plopped her down next to me. Once she was settled, I activated it.

She squeaked before relaxing and sighing in delight. “I-it… It seems there’s still much to discover about blood gems…”

“The jet feels good against your back. It feels really good against… something lower.”

“Nav, how naughty. My body, unlike yours, isn’t used to that much stimulation. So I think I’ll settle for just the bath for the moment, thank you.”

“You shouldn’t call me a whore, Blossom. That hurts my feelings.”

“Fleur told me about your ongoing royalty count, Nav. That’s about as slutty as it comes. And after what you did to the king, to then turn around and do something similar to me less than a day later…”

“What I did to the king was perverse and horrific, as befitting a gross old man. What I did with you was pure and sacred, perfect for my lovely vampire queen. You can’t even compare the two.” At least that made her start laughing. “Although if you do count as the queen of vampires, you’re on my list, too. That would elevate you to the ranks of slutty royalty, alongside all the others like Celestia and Moonbeam.”

“I’m a commoner through and through, I’m afraid. Your tally won’t go anywhere with me.”

“Hmph. Whatever.” I tugged on her again, this time sitting her down in front of me. “Let’s wash you up.” She started to protest, but shut her trap as soon as she felt my hands in her silky mane. Lathering it up was a breeze and since she didn’t have to breathe anyway, there was no reason for me to warn her before dunking her under. Of course, I did it anyway because I’m considerate. And because Flo warned me, but that’s less important.

Once Blossom’s mane was clean, I gave her tail a little special attention. Nothing much, but it would probably be curlier than usual when it dried. Finally, I rubbed her down, head to hoof, with normal fur shampoo. Washing her was much more fun than washing Fluttershy or my filly, that’s for sure.

When her body had been fully cleansed, I leaned back against a jet with a sigh. It felt good to relax in the perfectly warm water. I didn’t have very long to enjoy it before I was tugged further into the water. Soon enough, I found myself with my back to Blossom. “W-what…?”

That cheeky animal had the nerve to treat me like a pet. Her hooves dexterously rubbed the shampoo into my hair. I’m not sure how it worked, since they were hooves, but they were lathered up and everything. Getting angry about it would be petty of me as a superior human, so I let the mare think she was in charge for now.

It felt… surprisingly nice, after all.

“It’s hardly fair if I’m the only one getting any nice treatment,” Blossom muttered before dunking me. Since I was generous, I allowed her to wash the rest of me, too. Since she had no need to breathe, she was able to spend plenty of time focusing on a certain area, though I’m not sure why she had to use her tongue to clean it. Her efforts were greatly rewarded, though.

Friends certainly do have their benefits, it seems.

When both of us were clean, we were finally free to just… relax. Even after all that time, the water still felt nice. It was kind of strange having Darya suck out all the soap and suds, but she left when things got fun so it wasn’t a problem.

“...I don’t want to go back to immortality,” Blossom whispered after a few slow minutes of silence.

“It sucks, but real life always beckons. We haven’t started production of blood gems yet, but I’ll make sure you get a steady supply when we do. You’ll be numb again for a while, but you’ll get to wake up soon.”

“Real life beckons, huh… We can’t really stay in this tub forever, can we?”

“No, but we can stay here as long as we like. We can spend the time thinking of other ways to spoil you. Er, I mean, other ways to test the blood gem. Oh, maybe you can taste food now!”

“Your blood did taste better than usual. It’ll be interesting to try eating actual food.”

“The cooks are all asleep, but we have plenty of ice cream. It’ll be perfect after the warm bath.”

“It sounds wonderful. As much as I’d like, I can’t spend all night here. Waiting for something to be prepared might push it.”

“Then I have wonderful news for you.” I pulled myself out of the bath and water started dripping everywhere. “Darya?” A water elemental shot forward and dried me off in an instant. When it pulled away from me, I realized it was actually Flo. “Or not. Greetings, Flo.”

“Hello, Navi,” she replied with a smile. “And it’s good to see you too, Blossom. Would you like me to dry you as well?”

“Even the hair, huh?” Blossom said, staring at me in surprise. “Alright, I’ll give it a try.” She lithely pulled herself out and deftly landed on the floor. Water immediately started dripping everywhere, but Flo wasted no time in swallowing it all up. “Thank you for drinking my used bathwater.”

Flo’s smile took a hit, but she didn’t comment.

“Ice cream probably isn’t the best midnight snack, but we’ll survive,” I said as I shamelessly strutted back to my own room. “Flo, would you happen to know where the fluffy robes are?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied, slithering toward one of the cabinets. She pulled out a bright pink fluffy robe for me and held it up with a smile.

“I’d prefer a different color.”

“I don’t know where the others are. Let me help you put it on!”

“Darya, do you… Wait, where is she?”

“I asked her to step out so I could have my turn,” Flo replied. With that, she slid the robe on me and cinched it tight. “There you are, Navi! Nice and cute!”

“She’s right,” Blossom added. “Fleur said it would suit you perfectly when she ordered it. She’s been vindicated.”

“Well, good for her.” I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about it, but I’m glad Fleur didn’t waste money. It was quite comfy, at least. Since I was technically clothed, I walked over to the door and let myself out. Thankfully, Luna hadn’t twitched a muscle since we showed up and started getting rowdy.

“Do we really have to walk down all those steps?” Blossom asked, looking over the edge with great reluctance.

“Doppel’s not awake, so there’s no one to get mad at me. That means we can just fly down.”

I put my foot on the railing and started to jump, but a floating, see-through pony maid appeared right in front of me. “You mustn’t!” the ghost maid shouted, waving her hooves. “Doppel says ladies must always act with decorum, Countess! Please walk down the stairs properly!”

Holy shit, I forgot this place was haunted! “But that’s… like, a lotta steps, you know?” I said.

“You mustn’t, my lady! Not unless you want to end up like her!” With that, she pointed behind me. I expected to just see a terrified Blossom, but I also saw another ghost behind her. It seemed to be the old owner of the mansion, the crazy chick who was all evil and whatnot. The very corpulent ghost was wearing what probably used to be a fine dress. It was raggedy and worn down at the moment, which suited the ghostly bitch better. The pig-like pony was glaring at me.

“Walking it is,” I replied, quickly abandoning my room. Blossom lagged behind for a moment to stare at the abomination just chilling in there, but I tugged on one of her ears to get her moving. After all, she could ogle Luna whenever she wanted. There was no time when we had to run from ghosts.

“Nav, what the buck is this?!” Blossom hissed as we rapidly descended the stairs.

“We talked about this already, right?”

“What?!”

“I swear we did. You know, about how the place is super haunted and all? I’m pretty sure you were there, weren’t you?”

“No!” She blinked a few times. “Er, I think? Probably not! You should have warned me again!”

“You really should lower your volume. It isn’t anything to freak out over and people are trying to sleep.”

“Oh, sorr—Don’t change the subject!” She was quieter, at least.

“There are all kinds of fun spirits here, apparently. One is the super cute ghost maid we just met. Another is the far less cute oinkster lady we also just saw. I haven’t had much time to just chill here, especially at night, so I hadn’t seen many of them. I’ll probably meet more now that I’ll be staying up at night.”

“I’d move.”

“It wasn’t an option at the time. And before it became an option, we decided to get rid of them. Unfortunately, doing it the right way takes a while.”

“The right way is… walking down the stairs?” Blossom asked.

“It’s helping them right their wrongs or something. Part of the maid’s problem is that she didn’t think she was good enough as a maid, so getting to help me helps her. Man, noble problems, huh? Am I right or what?”

“I think this is unique to you, Nav.”

“You may be right, but I wasn’t emotionally ready to hear it…”

“So much for sleepovers, huh?”

“Yeah, but it would make a rad haunted house. Now that I have Luna, maybe we can set up another one this year…”

“She gushed about that for weeks after it happened,” Blossom said with a small smile. “Back when we still had hope for her…”

“Alas. Ice cream will help you calm down from the ghosts. It fixes many of life’s problems.”

“Here’s hoping. I actually thought my heart would start beating there for a moment!”

My filly was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. She seemed somewhat peeved, though I’m sure it wasn’t my fault. “How did you get upstairs, mommy?” she asked.

“The outside balcony door. Darya opened it for us.”

“Oh? And did you rub Blossom’s tummy up there?”

“We took a bath to see if the blood gem would allow her to feel the warmth. It did, which was pretty neat.”

“You coulda invited me…”

“Well, I’m inviting you to eat ice cream now. Shall we?”

“That’s sufficient, yes,” she replied with a nod. The upset look seemed to be completely gone, so I figured the filly had been appeased.

“She’s much easier to bribe than I am,” Blossom said. “You know, hypothetically. Assuming someone ever attempts such a heinous thing.”

“You’re the captain of the guard. Taya’s just a filly. It would be a problem if bribing you was easier.”

“Just a filly?” Taya asked.

“Fine, just an eternafilly. There, better?”

“You gotta get it right, mommy. Now, let’s go plunder the freezer!”

Taya led the charge to the kitchen, but took a detour down into the spooky cellar. “That’s the wrong way,” I said. “Freezer’s over there.”

“The secret freezer is down here. Luna and I made it to hide the good stuff from those who can’t use magic, like Spike and Kat.”

“And us, of course,” Blossom said.

“I’m sharing it with you now, so not you two.” Thankfully, Taya’s magic lit the entire cellar up with no problem. The last time I had been down there, it was completely barren. Now, it was full of food supplies and less commonly used appliances, like popcorn makers and juicers.

Taya led us toward the back wall. I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary until her horn lit up brighter and some runes on the wall lit up. The room started rumbling before the ground in front of us clicked. A chunk of the tiles started rising up until a cool mist shot out and covered our lower extremities. Since I never put on shoes, it made me shiver and clutch the robe tighter.

Once the freezer was high enough up, I realized it was full of shelves, each of which were labeled with different ice cream flavors. “Here’s one of our stashes,” Taya said, floating over a frozen cone and filling it with rocky road.

“Load me up with some of the best flavor, if you would,” I said, pulling a cone out for myself. Taya did just that, floating some scoops into the cone for me while licking at her own. Blossom seemed overwhelmed at her choices. I suppose after so long of going without, suddenly having such a smorgasbord before you would make it hard to know where to start. “Blossom, I have a hint for you. As an undead, your brain is already cold. That means brain freeze is impossible. Start at the beginning and work your way through.”

“A journey of a thousand licks starts with the first tongue, r-right?” Blossom asked, turning her predatory eyes to the number one pick of all time: Vanilla.

“Sounds right, yeah,” Taya said. My filly was kind enough to load Blossom a cone, too. Soon, we were all lapping it up with smiles on our faces. Given that Blossom was smiling, sniffling slightly, and not saying anything, I figured she could probably taste it. And since she didn’t stop until it was all gone, I was right about her not getting brain freeze.

“So, how does it feel inside of you?” I asked.

“It… Well, it doesn’t taste as it should… But it’s not ashes, either. It’s like… I can taste the vanilla, but the sweetness is muted!”

“Oh, that’s normal,” Taya said. “That’s vanilla bean ice cream, not vanilla ice cream. We’re connoisseurs here, not barbarians. Try this one instead.” Taya loaded another cone with mint chocolate chip. “It has more flavors. See if you can tell them apart.”

“It’s amazing to me that Equestria has so many ice cream choices, yet you can’t get a cup of coffee anywhere. I never thought I’d see a world where the Brits won. And thank you for the ice cream, Taya. I enjoy how it feels in my mouth.”

“Would you like another cone or three?” Taya asked. “We’re seriously stocked for at least a year, so we can spare it.”

“No, too much sugar is bad for humans. I don’t want to get diabetes and lose a leg. It might grow back, but having it rot off would be traumatizing.”

“Eating too much sugar rots off your legs?” Taya asked, tilting her head.

“Too much of it in the long-term can, yeah. For humans, at least. If Pinkie still has all four of her limbs, I’d say ponies are fine. But I prefer my limbs attached to my body, so I’ll limit myself.”

“The sweetness is still muted, but… but I can still taste again, both the mint and the coco!” Blossom said with a huge smile. Her lips were green because of the ice cream, so she looked even cuter than usual.

I couldn’t stop myself from booping her, of course. “I’m glad.” I thought we might have proved it earlier in the bath, but this probably tastes better. Though her vampiric tongue… Unf. “Would you like me to dribble some blood on the cone for you?”

“...W-would you?” Blossom asked, her bottom lip quivering slightly.

It was actually a joke, but whatever. “Taya, slice me up a little,” I said, holding a hand over Blossom’s mint chocolate chip. Taya’s horn lit up and my blood started dripping onto the ice cream like hot fudge. Blossom’s eyes glittered as she beheld it. When enough of my essence was spent, I pulled the hand back and let Taya heal it.

Blossom wasted no more time and used her sexy tongue to its fullest. As soon as she tasted me, she squeed and then lapped the cone up in record time.

“Is that cute or creepy?” Taya asked as we watched.

“This is Blossom, so it’s cute. Or at least, that’s what I want to say, but… How unladylike.”

“Mommy, you of all people don’t get to say that. Even if blood and ice cream are dripping down her chin…”

“It was so delicious that I couldn’t help myself,” Blossom said, her eyes unfocused. Suddenly, her rope-like tongue shot back out and cleaned up her face. Taya lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. “Nav, how do you taste so good? I really just don’t understand…”

“Because I’m a tree sister. Just think of me as your dessert, should you ever need one.”

“I know some ponies who eat dessert every day,” Blossom whispered, her eyes moving to my filly.

“Most ponies don’t eat blood for dessert,” I said. “So you’ll have to settle for sometimes. Even with elementals in me, I can only produce so much of it. Did it fill the great gaping void inside of you?”

“For now, yes. I’ll want more of you later, though. The ice cream was also good, of course, but with blood…” She couldn’t help but smile and lick her fangs.

“This is seeming less and less cute,” Taya whispered.

“Don’t be jealous, Taya,” I said, patting her on the head. “I think you’re cute, too.”

“As much as I’d like to stay the rest of the night, I still need to get to work at some point,” Blossom said. “I’ll need to head out soon, Nav.”

“Then let’s not stick around the cellar anymore. Taya, can you lower the freezer?”

“Right, can’t forget the security.” Her horn lit up and the freezer began sliding back into the floor, taking the cool air with it.

“Why aren’t there any ghosts down here, anyway?” Blossom asked. “This seems like the perfect place for them to hang out, doesn’t it?”

“Most pony ghosts aren’t actually that scary, apparently,” Taya said. “I mean, for us, that is. Normal ponies might freak out, but most spirits are like the maid you saw earlier. They mean us no harm, they’re just trying to do their best. That means they don’t necessarily congregate in spooky places like cellars.”

“I have a second point,” I said. “Why would you ever ask that question before we got out of the cellar? That’s just raising a flag that doesn’t need to be raised, Blossom. As the commander of the military, you should strive to do better.”

“Raising a… what are you even talking about, Nav?” Blossom asked.

“The point is, let’s go before a ghost does show up.” I exercised my noble rights by leading the retreat up the staircase.

“I consulted Ava,” Taya said as we fled. “Raising a flag in this situation refers to a cliche where someone says something to set up the arrival of an enemy. In this case, you calling out the lack of a ghost would cause a ghost to appear. Ava is so useful when mommy fails us!”

“I don’t know who Ava is, but I think I understand now,” Blossom said. “But it’s not like I’m worried about ghosts showing up. It wouldn’t even be a bad thing.”

“I wouldn’t want you to risk your heart again. What would we do if it started beating on us?”

“Wouldn’t that be cause for celebration?” Taya asked.

“Yeah, but how are we gonna tell the rest of the world that the cure for vampirism is ice cream? I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility.” My filly didn’t seem convinced. “We’d also have to tell them all about your ice cream stash.”

That did the trick. “You’d have to take responsibility, mommy. You’re the one who suggested we eat some.”

“Realistically speaking, wouldn’t it be Luna’s fault for having a stash in the first place?”

“Aren’t you just saying that because she isn’t here to defend herself?”

“You really think poorly of me, Taya.”

“I’d take responsibility,” Blossom quietly said. “And I promise not to tell anyone about the secret freezer.”

“Why would we make you, when we can just push it off on Luna instead?” I asked. “Don’t worry, Blossom. You’re too cute for anyone to ever believe you’re guilty. But Luna’s cute enough to get away with her crimes even though she is guilty, so we’ll use her as our scapegoat.”

“Oh, I see you’re just being silly. Never mind, then.”

“It took you that long to figure out?” I asked. “Maybe you need more practice identifying it…”

“That’s because you never have a liar’s scent,” Blossom said with a sigh. “I wasn’t entirely lying before. I can’t guarantee when someone is lying, but I have ways of feeling it. And yet somehow, it rarely works on you, even when I’m pretty sure you’re spouting nonsense. It’s truly a mystery.”

“It’s probably simple,” I said. “Most people have tells when they lie. That is, they do certain things with their body, like look a certain way and have a certain pitch of voice. In your case, you might also be able to hear their heartbeat increase. All of this is because to most people, lying is unnatural.”

“As opposed to you, for whom lying is as natural as breathing,” Blossom said. At this point, we had finally gotten to the house’s anteroom. Since she was going on the offensive, I had a feeling she was getting ready to go.

“That’s not how I was going to put it, but basically,” I replied, nodding. “I did my best to remove as many tells as possible. Even if I speak nonsense, it seems to everyone around me that I’m completely serious. It became mostly pointless when I got to Equestria and none of the normal ponies can ever tell if anyone is lying.”

“Except now you’re trusted so little that even your own filly uses a lie detector on you,” Blossom said with a smile.

“Mistrust is vital for any relationship. Don’t overthink things, trust me.”

“How can I trust someone who says that mistrust is vital for all relationships? It feels like you’re speaking nonsense again, but… I can’t tell!”

“Now you’re the one acting silly,” I said, booping her. “Do you have time for that? I thought you had to get back to fighting crime as batmare.”

“Sadly, you’re right,” Blossom said, looking down in disappointment. “Real life may beckon, but I don’t really want to answer.”

“You should take a vacation soon, then. I’m sure there are cities other than Canterlot that have a night life. You could find one and have some fun.”

“I… should do that, yes. There are enough commanders to keep things going without me for a week or two. Deciding where to go is paramount, though. I’ll have to think about it. Anyway, thank you for having me tonight, Navi.”

“Happy as always, Blossom,” I said, swooping in for one last hug. Her soft and cool body felt so soothing to hug, like a plushy or something. She really was the best toy I could hope for.

“I’ll see you again at the pageant, if not sooner,” she said. “Stay well, Navi. And see you soon as well, Taya.” Without waiting for another reply, she vanished from my arms. Her mist quickly seeped out the front door. With that, she was away.

“Her exits can be just as dramatic as yours, mommy.”

“It’s good that I’m a positive influence on her.” I got a very dubious look for that, but I stand by it.

The rest of the night with my filly went quite swimmingly.

Chapter Two Hundred and Nine

Chapter Two Hundred and Nine

Celestia did not show up to cook breakfast in the morning. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should be happy that she wasn’t there or upset that I couldn’t have more of her cooking. Then I realized the cooking was how she was trying to tame me, so I did my best to be happy she wasn’t there instead.

The new maid had plenty of time to learn what I could and couldn’t eat, so I got to have a perfectly normal breakfast instead. It wasn’t made by a cheating princess with too much time on her hooves, but it was still good enough.

I volunteered to walk my filly to school, but she reminded me that it was improper for someone of my standing to be out walking. That probably meant she was ashamed of me, but there was no way for me to call her on it. Since she was already tired of me, I let her have her way and go with one of the night guards instead. Just about everyone else left for the bunker. Most of the remaining guards were drafted by the maids to help with the garden. All of that meant the house was quiet again.

Good things never last long, though. Someone very enthusiastically started knocking. To get out of hard labor, Doppel had volunteered to watch over me as I sat in the sun room reading. She went to get the door while I tried to put myself in noble mode. I had gotten a lot of experience yesterday with the king and the captain of the guard, so it wasn’t difficult to put myself back in that mindset.

All my effort was wasted, though. I barely had time to see Cadance and Shining Armor before I was attacked by a vicious hug that almost sent me out of my chair. When I looked down, I discovered Eva attached herself to my body and appeared to be drowning in my new chesticals.

I picked her up and hugged her at a better angle, so she could actually breathe. “It’s good to see you all again,” I said. “If you’re hungry, feel free to borrow some love.”

“I’m not all that hungry, but your love tastes the best!” Eva replied as she started sucking on me with her horn.

“Nav, your hair is gorgeous!” Cadance said as she got closer. “Please tell me those flowers are natural!”

“They are,” I said. “You’re welcome to smell them, but please don’t take them. That would hurt.” Cadance started giggling as she got close enough to sniff me.

“Nav, you really… look different,” Shiny said. “So you actually cut off your wings and tail?”

“And grew them back all plantlike, yes,” I replied with a nod. “The wings actually phase through clothes. It’s great, I love it.”

“You look like a fairy demon!” Cadance said. “But you smell like a fairy princess, at least.”

“I’ve gotten fairy princess a lot, but fairy demon is a first. I guess it’s the eyes and the tail?”

“One of the runes on my hooves allows me to detect poison,” Cadance said, looking down at my tail. “And I can sense a very lethal dose of it coming from the tip of that vine of yours. That is why I said fairy demon.” I lifted the tail up for her and shot out the spike. “It doesn’t look poisoned… Hm, let me see.” Her horn lit up and the base of the spike started glowing. “Oh? Maybe it only releases poison when it strikes something?”

“Like a wasp stinger?” I asked.

“Indeed, that would be an apt comparison, looking at you,” she said. “Be careful with this tail of yours, Nav. If you ever poke someone on accident, it’s entirely possible they’ll die.”

“I wish I knew that yesterday before I used it on a king, but he survived with no issues.”

“You stabbed a king with your tail?” Shiny asked. “Wait, where did you even find a king around here?”

“It was the deer king, and I just threatened him with it. You know, graze his skin a little and comment about how easy it would be to stick him with it. Nothing too unreasonable.”

“That sounds pretty unreasonable, actually,” Eva said from her new position in my lap. She had taken on the form of a corgi, so I was rubbing her fluffy tummy.

“Well, this is Nav we’re talking about,” Shiny said. “We never told you about his first meeting with the griffin king, did we?”

“It wasn’t my most diplomatic moment, but it ended well. I don’t see why you’d complain.”

“You called him what amounted to penis face,” Cadance said. “If anyone in the room actually understood what you said in that human tongue of yours, things might not have ended so well.”

“He started it. It’s not like there’s anything special about the griffin king anyway. At least most of the Equestrian royalty were alicorns, which are superior models in every way to normal ponies. Then there’s Moonbeam, who’s a super special changeling mutant. The griffin king only has blood or whatever as his source of authority, and blood is easy enough to shed.”

“Did you just call me inferior?” Shiny asked.

“Is this the hill you want to die on?” I asked. “Because I can give you an answer, if you want.”

“...You’re right, I retract my question,” he replied.

“It doesn’t matter if the griffin king is special,” Cadance said. “He’s still recognized as the king, so if you upset him or his loyal subjects, you could have been hurt.”

“Not while you and Shiny were with me. If they did anything untoward with a normal Equestrian ambassador, Celestia might be lenient. But if they did anything to the escort of one of the princesses, or to the princess herself, Celestia would bring the hammer down and gain herself another vassal state.”

“Does hiding behind Celestia or Cadance make what you did any better?” Eva innocently asked.

“No, it’s just a rationalization. Anyway, enough about the past.”

“I actually have more questions about the past,” Cadance said. “Why were you threatening the deer king?”

“He asked me to.”

“The king asked to be threatened?” Eva asked. “That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s weird,” I said. “But sometimes, adults are weird.”

“That answers a few of my followup questions as well,” Cadance said. “I guess I might as well ask how and why you met him, too. Not even I have met any of the deer kings. Even the lord of the reindeer is ignoring my missives, despite how close they live.”

“Fleur set up the meeting to discuss the pageant. We met with the deer to convince them to send a representative. They agreed to. And you’ll get a chance to meet the deer royalty as well, since they offered to attend.”

“It’s actually really shocking that they’d agree to come,” Shiny said. “Deer rarely leave their enclaves in groups. They usually send out widows every now and then for things they can’t make themselves.”

“Why widows?” Cadance asked.

“Deer are assigned partners for life at birth,” I said. “The buck and doe grow up together and spend literally all of their time around each other. If you ever see a single deer, it’s very likely that deer is a widow.”

“W-wait… Really? That doesn’t seem right at all…” Cadance said.

“Don’t even get me started on the deer,” I said. “Long story short, they’re creepy and evil. Anyway, that really is enough about the past. So, how are things?”

“Shouldn’t we be asking you?” Shiny asked. “How was your coma?” Didn’t I already say enough about the past?

“It was cool. I got to see all kinds of conversations about me that happened behind my back. Things like plans to order me to move to Canterlot for observation purposes and how to forcefully move into my home. And Taya joined me midway through, where we got to hear all kinds of people talk about how she was scary and creepy.”

“Who could think Taya is scary?” Eva asked. “She’s so cool!”

“It’s truly a mystery,” I replied, idly gazing at Cadance. She happened to be looking away and blushing at the moment, for some reason. “I also got to talk with my emotions, which was kinda cool. They were based off people I knew. You were one of them, Cadance.”

“Not me?” Eva asked.

“I’m afraid not. Available slots were limited.”

“Was she love or something?” Shiny asked.

“No, that role was taken by someone else. Cadance was passion.”

“Really?” the mare herself asked. “Who could beat me for the place of love?”

“Moonbeam, obviously.”

“That bug?!” Shiny shouted, probably more out of surprise than anger.

“...I don’t know how to feel about that, if I’m honest,” Cadance said. “It actually hurts more than I thought it could… Who ever would have thought this is what it would take to finally make that woman my rival?”

“It makes sense, if you think about it,” I said. “Who knows more about love than the one who’s spent six thousand years doing everything in her power to obtain it? You may be the love princess, but Moonbeam deserves the title of love queen.”

“I have to up my brand power, then!” Cadance said, stomping her hoof. “After numerous experiments on Eva and the others, my love magic is better than ever!”

“Define experiments,” I… gently replied. For some reason, Cadance’s expression iced over and Shiny took a step closer to his wife.

“She feeds me all kinds of love and I tell her which is tastiest,” Eva replied. At some point, she had turned into an even softer and fluffier cat, and was kneading my lap as I pet her. “I really enjoy experimenting with love all alone with the princess!”

“Oh, that’s good,” I said. The two royals quickly calmed down, for whatever reason. “Although I wouldn’t recommend wording it that way. There might be misunderstandings.”

“‘Kay.”

“So, where’s Skyla?” I asked.

“Ah, I knew we were forgetting something!” Shiny shouted, looking quite alarmed.

Cadance kneed him in the side, thankfully. “Even as a joke, that’s a little much.”

“You have to go all in if you want to get a reaction out of Nav,” he said, rubbing where she kneed him. “She’s sleeping, so we left her with the luggage.”

“Wise. If she sees me, she’s liable to start crying.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve been training her,” Eva said. “I taught her very thoroughly that you’re an amazing hero, not someone to be afraid of.”

“Is that… really okay?” I asked, looking over to Cadance. “She’s corrupting your filly with that nonsense, isn’t she?”

“I don’t see any reason not to tell our filly the truth,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “Don’t worry, Navi. She shouldn’t be afraid of you anymore!”

“Well, here’s hoping, I guess…”

“Where’s Taya?” Eva asked. “I want to pounce on her, too!”

“Taya is taking classes at the unicorn tower today,” I said. “She’ll be home in a few hours. Just about everyone else is at the bunker today, working to excavate it.”

“They’re making good progress, too,” Shiny said. “Well, the exploration team. Zecora’s progress is slow, but doing it the right way is apparently better than securing an easy source of incredibly potent magical energy. But then, the exploration team does have both Luna and Kat.”

“Yes, the two powerful problem children,” I said with a smile. “I’m grateful they’re in the bunker instead of here. Anyway, how long are you planning on being in town? And where are you planning to stay?”

“We plan to stay until the pageant is over, though we might hop back using a teleport circle to check on things,” Cadance said. “And we didn’t even let Celestia know we were coming. We were hoping to stay here…”

“I don’t mind, but is it really fine for another royal to stay in Canterlot without letting the person in charge know? And besides, you might hurt Newlestia’s feelings.”

“Does it matter what your pet thinks?” Shiny asked.

“She isn’t my pet. Have you not spoken to her yet?”

“Not directly,” Cadance said. “I think the first time she reached out to me was when you woke up, to ask me to set up another meeting between factions.”

“Her emotions seem much more sincere now. She actually seems to care about people and how they treat her and think about her. If she finds out you’re here and that you just couldn’t be bothered to greet her, she might be upset.”

For some reason, Cadance seemed more crestfallen than I would have expected. Shiny’s smirk didn’t help. “Getting schooled on etiquette by Nav, huh?” he said. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“W-what did you do with the real Nav?” Cadance hissed, glaring at me. “Nav is never considerate, especially not toward Celestia!”

“Are you sure you’re talking about my mommy?” Eva asked. “She showed a lot of consideration when she helped me, took me in, had me educated, and then adopted me. The others also think you’re exaggerating. Didn’t she help both of you, too?”

“Being helpful and kind isn’t the same as being considerate,” Shiny said. “I mean, Nav is the kind of person to openly discuss someone’s embarrassing fetishes around their family and colleagues, all while acting like she did nothing wrong. Since when did she start caring about anyone’s feelings?”

“On the way to Gryphus, she said all kinds of unpleasant things to me without batting an eye,” Cadance added. “Things that shook me to my core, things that damaged my innocent heart beyond repair… They just fell out of her mouth without a single pause or hint of emotion. And now, this?”

“The two of you team up at the strangest of times,” I said, shaking my head in disappointment. “Aren’t you being just a little too mean to me?”

“Not by half, no,” Shiny said. “If we really wanted to be fair, we could come up with several more examples.”

“...Then let’s just say that the coma helped me realize the error of my ways and leave it at that. I don’t mind if you guys stay here as long as you’re fine with not having the largest of rooms, but you at least need to pay Celestia a visit.”

“And of all the people you ask us to be considerate of, it’s Celestia,” Shiny said.

“Well yeah, she’s the one you’re slighting at the moment. Oh, you should also find Twilight at some point, but I’m not sure where she is. But Celestia’s the one in charge, so shouldn’t greeting her be common sense for visiting royalty anyway? It’s partially my fault she is the way she is, so I’m doing my best to take partial responsibility for it. Reminding people that she is now equivalent to a real person instead of a toxic slime ball that destroys everything it touches is part of that.”

“That’s actually hard to imagine, now that I think about it,” Shiny said. “Celestia without being conniving and underhooved would be…” For some reason, just the thought of it made him shiver.

“Yes, if I’m not careful, she might steal Shiny away from me,” Cadance said. “We’ll meet her, but I’ll need to make sure my husband is prepared for it. All of our luggage is in the anteroom. Would you mind if we took a room so I can help him get ready?”

“Go for it. Doppel, would you show them to an empty room? Eva, you can probably stay in Taya’s room. And there’s no need for you to greet Celestia. I’ll be keeping you for myself, instead.”

“We’ll be back down as soon as we’re ready,” Cadance said. “Come along, Shiny. We have to be mentally prepared for… Newlestia.”

“She can’t be that bad,” he said.

“That’s exactly why we have to prepare.” With that cryptic reply, they finally followed Doppel out.

“So why aren’t you helping plant flowers?” Eva asked, peering out the window.

“As their lady, I shouldn’t help with such common labor. Or so I was told, that is.” I didn’t want to do it anyway, so I wasn’t complaining. At least I offered to help. “If you want to join them, I’m sure they won't stop us.”

“One of my jobs is to upkeep Cadance’s garden,” Eva said. “She only grows things for food and alchemical purposes, though, so the only pretty flowers are poisonous. But… your flowers are much prettier, mommy! And they even taste good!” She turned into a humming bird and flitted up to my hair.

While she was having fun, Doppel returned. “Cadance said they’ll probably be back soon. I believe they intend to teleport to and from the palace. It seems Eva is taking her fill. Would you like me to bring anything out, my lady?”

“Anything other than tea would be fine. Also, do you know where Rocksy is? I figured Eva might like to meet Taya’s pet.”

“The Tower allows use of magical pets, familiars, and tamed monsters in duels,” Doppel said. “Taya thought it would be good to practice fighting together, so she’s been taking advantage of it. Apparently turning screaming and crying fillies into stone is fun.”

“Good to know.”

“I’ll be back in just a moment, my lady.” Doppel walked back out, presumably heading for the kitchen.

“Whatever you’re doing back there actually tickles a little,” I said. Eva stopped to land on my head. “You change around a lot more than Doppel does. And you’re pretty good at controlling your shapes.”

“I like spending time in town as animals,” she squeaked from atop my head. “I hear all kinds of useful things!”

“Are there really that many animals up there?”

“Cadance had a bunch of pets imported, along with some wild birds. Mimeo memorized all of the animals when they were brought in on the train, so we can pretend to be whatever we need.”

“That’s really impressive. Ask if he wants a belly rub.”

“He doesn’t,” Eva immediately replied.

“Are you saying that because you’re jealous?”

“No, he’s just too shy to accept one. And belly rubs don’t really do much for changelings, so I’m not all that jealous.”

“Nothing for it, then,” I said with a shrug. It was hard to talk with her on my head, so I scooped her up and set her on the table. That’s when I discovered she had turned into a hamster at some point. “We didn’t have much time to talk the last time I saw all of you. Will you tell me what you’ve been up to?”

They all took turns doing just that. It seemed that all of them spent time helping Cadance with various tasks. They also all spent quite a lot of time reading in the library. Apparently in the library, they discovered something pretty spooky. While watching Mimeo read some boring math book, Poly, Eva, and Ganger got to talking about how they could pass the time. After some discussion, Poly asked if it would be possible for them to just use their changeling powers to grow another head. They tried it and sure enough, they can create four heads and use all of them to read different things.

Eva offered to show me, with a huge smile across her face. I felt guilty, but I had to turn her down. It sounded gross, if I’m honest.

As I expected, Cadance and Shiny did not return quickly. I knew Celestia would find some reason or another to detain them.

By the time everyone in the house had eaten lunch, Eva and I had caught up with each other. In short, the four of them were doing quite well up north. That was a shame, because I was planning on inviting them to move in, now that we had a permanent base and were building a town. I was still going to invite them later, but I wasn’t sure they would agree. Especially since I couldn’t feed them like Cadance.

Just when I was starting to think about what else to do or talk about, Cadance and company finally returned. The married couple looked quite exhausted, though the little filly trailing behind them seemed full of energy. Well, until she saw me. Skyla froze, her eyes wide. In an instant, she went from happy to terrified.

“Welcome back,” I said, trying my best not to seem scary. “How was your meeting with Celestia?”

“I feel like you could have warned us a little better,” Cadance groaned. “She really has changed, hasn’t she?”

“I think she might have been easier to deal with before,” Shiny added, hanging his head. “She’s so… innocently playful! And she doted on Skyla like a mother-in-law. Wait… Skyla?” The two of them finally noticed that their filly was a quivering wreck. She honestly looked like she was about to start crying.

Cadance immediately floated the filly over and hugged her. “Nav, what did you do this time?!” Eva jumped from the table to the floor and scurried over to Skyla in her hamster body. Soon, she was whispering to the scared filly.

“Nothing! I was just sitting here! I’ll admit I sometimes poked at her when she used to bully me as a baby, but nothing that would warrant this. I told you she hated me from the beginning. Maybe it’s pathological?”

“You were bullied by a foal?” Shiny asked.

“She used to use magic to throw things at me when she thought nobody was looking. Cadance knows, she caught her a few times! And I mean, how am I supposed to fight back against a baby? For the most part, I had to just let it happen…”

“And yet somehow, I can’t muster up any pity for you,” Shiny said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“You look very different than you used to,” Doppel said. “To the point where it’s surprising that she even recognized you, given how long it’s been since she last saw you. There are a few changelings who have extra senses, things that allow them to see auras and the like. Maybe she has something similar?”

“Eva has turned into Nav in front of her before and it’s never been a problem,” Shiny said. “It was part of how she tried to get her used to you. But maybe Skyla really does have some extra sense that tells her how terrible of a person you are. Nothing would make me happier if that were the case. Speaking as a father, that is.”

“I advise watching your words in our home,” Doppel very sweetly replied. “Even the ghosts haunting the place will get upset if you insult our mistress.”

“Underestimate Doppel at your own peril,” I added.

“...Anyway, you normally have no issue charming people. Stop scaring my filly, please.”

“She can talk now, right?” I asked. “Get her to fess up. I want to know why she hates me.”

Cadance finally looked up from the whispered conversation between children. “Apparently Skyla thinks that you’re evil incarnate. Nav, do you swear you did nothing to deserve this?”

“Do you really think that poorly of me? To my knowledge, I didn’t do anything that bad to her. Also, how does she already know the word incarnate?”

Cadance’s eyes moved to her horn, which was clearly not lit up. After a second or two, she poked it a few times. “Huh.”

“I feel like you’re being a little too dramatic about this,” I said.

“I mean, I always figured you did something when I wasn’t looking. This is clearly unnatural, right?” Cadance finally sighed and picked her filly up. The girl was still trembling.

When Cadance started carrying her toward me, Skyla immediately began crying and screaming. “She really is terrified,” Doppel said. “I can see the fear leaking out of her, it’s so strong. Maybe Nav traumatized her in the womb or something?”

“She’d have no way of knowing it’s me,” I said. It sucked to have to speak up to be heard over the screams. “Think booping her would help?”

“I’m not going to let you corrupt my filly with your hands,” Shiny replied. “Cadance told me about all those times you… you smushed her face, whatever that even means!”

“I’ll show you what it means later, and then you’ll understand why I did it,” I said. Cadance’s face was so squishy and she looked cuter than normal when I smushed it. “I don’t think bringing her closer is helping, Cadance. Take her upstairs, calm her down, and get her to spill the beans. If it’s some kind of extra sense like Doppel thinks, it shouldn’t be hard to test.”

“...Alright,” Cadance replied with a sigh. She carried her crying daughter away, trying to sooth the filly as she went. Eva groaned and followed.

“I never expected my filly to be such a drama queen,” Shiny said, shaking his head. “I guess we’ll test it using changelings?”

“That’s what I was thinking, yeah,” I said. “Doppel can go in looking just like me. If Skyla freaks out, she’s afraid of me. If not, it’s something else.”

“It’s possible she can sense emotions, like a changeling,” Doppel said. “If that’s the case, I can understand why she might be afraid of you. To someone like us, you’re an anomaly.”

“When I first met Chrysalis, she screamed at me and said I was nothing,” I said. “My emotions are supposedly harder to sense.”

“They don’t leak at all, unless you’re feeling something very strongly or trying to feed us. I can just look at Shiny and tell he’s aroused by you, but I can’t tell anything about how you feel right now.”

“W-what…?”

“I warned you not to underestimate her,” I said. “At least she waited until Cadance was out of earshot. I’m still gonna brag to Twilight next time I see her, though!”

Shining Armor quickly retreated, doing his best to hide his bright red face.

“I actually wanted to hear more about their thoughts on Celestia, too,” I said. “Do you think we can get around Skyla’s fear?”

“All you have to do is be yourself around her, my lady,” Doppel replied. “She’ll learn soon enough that you aren’t evil.”

“Well, I guess we’ll see what she has to say in a few minutes. Can you borrow one of the maids to bake something sweet for her? That might help.”

“Bribing fillies with sweets usually does the trick, yes,” Doppel replied with a nod. “It will be done, my lady.” She rushed off to do my bidding, leaving me alone in the sun room. I sighed in relief and put my hand back on the book I had been reading.

Before I could reopen it, I felt something leaving my hand. Water quickly enveloped the book before sinking back into my hand. Moments later, the book’s contents started sinking into my mind. “I know that time is precious, but do I seriously not even have enough to read a book?” I asked.

“You are intelligent, my lady,” Darya replied in my head. “I deem there to be no problem with this rate of information acquisition.”

“If you are interested, I could impart knowledge from the laptop on you as well,” Flo said. “You always seemed against it before, but things have changed. If we’re going to be building up a domain and invading Tartarus, you’ll need all kinds of knowledge. If you don’t trust us to do everything for you, you’ll either need to be competent enough to do it yourself or you’ll need to find someone you trust more than us.”

“If I don’t trust you, doesn’t that mean I wouldn’t trust the information you give me?”

“Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be, Nav,” Flo said.

“Do I really want to be the guy with the entirety of the internet stored on his head? That said, back when we were helping Gilda learn stuff, I didn’t think you could just upload stuff to my brain. Don’t make me into Encyclopedia Brown or anything, but I wouldn’t mind knowing more.”

“Nav, the amount you know is already more than average,” Flo said. “Or at least, it’s considerably more than the ponies know. To them, you’re already basically considered a genius.”

“You know what I meant. How intrusive will it be? And can you upload fighting techniques?”

“I can upload techniques, but it’ll just be technical knowledge. Without training and experience, it won’t be worth much. As you yourself said, if you want fighting done, you have Luna. The lady’s place should be governing, which requires all manner of knowledge. And it shouldn’t be too intrusive. We could probably even upload it as you slept.”

Doppel finally returned to the sun room with one of the new maids in tow. Talking to myself would probably be seen as unbecoming, so I let the conversation drop.

“Is there really an alicorn filly here?” the new maid asked. “If so, my sister would love dolling her up!”

“There is. Unfortunately, she’s afraid of me. Think you can make her something sweet enough that her fears evaporate?”

“No, you’re too terrifying,” the maid replied, shaking her head. “But I’ll do my best anyway.”

“That’s all I can ask.” Being told I was terrifying actually hurt my feelings just a little, especially since it was someone who I hired without any coercion at all. But I guess in their minds, I was related to the fun police. Maybe it makes sense to be afraid of someone like that. Still, though… terrifying?

The maid continued on to the kitchen while Doppel remained. After a few long seconds of silence, Doppel sighed. “You don’t scare me in the slightest, my lady. Don’t worry, they’ll learn in time. They’ll all learn…”

“I hope so. Maybe one day I’ll be seen as normal here, instead of someone to be stared at or avoided. But at least I don’t have to worry about being boiled alive, so it’s not all bad.”

“You never do forget those screams,” she replied with a sigh. “The griffins are quite creative with their punishments. Most female changelings are put in a stockade and… force-fed lust before their executions.”

“Were, not are.”

“...Of course, my lady. Thanks to you, the war is over.”

“Have you given any thought to playing with their princess? Gilda might be down.”

“I would like to try it, assuming I still have your permission.”

“If you swear not to actually hurt her, I’ll allow it. Spankings don’t count, of course.”

“I’ll be sure to gag her properly, so we don’t disturb Shiny and Cadance,” Doppel replied with a nod.

“Oh, and I also recently discovered a way to link dreams together. As long as you promise not to traumatize her, I can let you play with her in her dreams sometimes.”

“I would… like that very much, my lady. However, wouldn’t it be wrong to do something like that without her permission?”

Wait, that would… That would make me as bad as Twilight! “You’re right. You can ask permission from her if you want and if she agrees, I’ll do it.”

“Didn’t you already do the same thing to Shining Armor?” Darya asked in my head.

No, it doesn’t count when they’re married.

“We’ll see how the night goes, then,” Doppel said. “She might have trouble walking tomorrow…”

“Say, Doppel…”

“Yes, my lady?”

“Flo mentioned something about you practicing with… tentacles, I believe it was?”

“Ah, yes.” The smile that came to her face seemed strangely… serene, oddly enough. “After subjecting me to quite the intense treatment, Flo informed me that it was at your request. Thankfully, she was pleased to teach me all about the form you used on Queen Chrysalis. I’ve become quite… dextrous, you could say. I’ve been hoping to test it before I could use it on its proper target. The princess will be a worthy test subject, I’m sure.”

“I’m not sure if it’ll work on Flo, your proper target.”

“Flo is not my proper target, my lady,” she sweetly replied, her smile still uncomfortably peaceful.

“You seem quite invested in this.”

“Yes, well, I was just ever-so-pleased that my lady was thinking of me while she slept. And since she was so thoughtful as to teach me a wonderful new state of pleasure, I decided I should learn to pass it on to others. So I’m going to.”

“Would you like an introduction to the king of the deer? I told him that I’d introduce him to all kinds of fun predators while he was in the city. I think he would be worthy as a proper target.”

“A king would do as another test subject, but my proper target remains unchanged.” Her eyes were starting to bore into me. It was a little uncomfortable.

“Would begging help?”

“Oh, my dear sweet lady… You know that begging only turns me on more.”

The conversation was starting to feel unsafe. “So, the pageant is coming up soon. Kat is going to be competing, so she won’t be able to attend me. Who do you think would be best to take her place?”

“Flo or Darya, maybe,” Doppel said. “Though I would also be quite happy to help. And I’m sure Rarity will insist on getting involved.”

“Well, I can at least trust Rarity to make me look good, even if her definition of good is more feminine than I’d like. How about I put Rarity in charge of dressing me and put you in charge of Rarity?”

“That might work. Are you still dreading it?”

“Yes. I’m secretly hoping I find a way to die during or after it so I don’t have to remember.”

“My lady, please keep such things to yourself.”

“That’s why I said secretly. It’s because I trust you, Doppel. Shouldn’t you be happy about that?”

“My lady, if you die, I’ll cry. Is that really something you want?”

“It’s not like I won’t wake up. Think of it as death with benefits.”

“That won’t stop me from crying.”

“Then I’ll dry your tears with a smile when I wake up. At least you’ll have that to look forward to.”

That actually made her blush. “I know quite a few women who would be jealous about that, my lady.”

“Most of them probably wouldn’t wait by the tree’s side, day and night, waiting for me. Although, please don’t actually do that. I think it’s supposed to take around two weeks, so maybe start keeping watch after ten days.”

“We’ll be keeping a constant vigil, of course. The entire nation would be in mourning at the loss of its hero. Thus, it should not be surprising that there would be many who would gather to wait.”

“Please don’t. I’ll probably be all wet and naked. I also likely won’t know what’s going on. Anyway, let’s stop planning for failure. Do I have any important noble-like things I should be doing?”

“Not that I’m aware of, but I’m sure you could quickly put a tea party together.”

“I’ll pass on anything involving tea, thanks. In fact, you know what? Get me a map. It’s time to plan a conquest of Mexico. I’m going to secure a consistent source of coffee.”

“My lady, I feel there are less severe methods of dealing with this.”

“Are you saying we shouldn’t build a DMZ across the thin landmass connecting us with the spiders? Because I would very much like there to be a clear line of demarcation. It would also give us a chance to dig a canal at Panama, so we can make hella money charging fees for boats to cross it.”

“I feel like I’m missing a lot of context that I would need to understand what you’re saying.”

“Don’t worry about it. Can you find me a map?”

“...I’ll be right back, my lady,” she replied with some distaste.

Instead of returning with a map, she returned with a fancy steaming cup on a saucer. I sighed and shook my head. “Doppel, that doesn’t appear to be a map.”

“It was harder to find one than I thought. I beg of you to drink this to calm yourself while I search.”

“If that cup is full of tea, I’m going to be disappointed.”

She set it in front of me with a smile. I finally smelled something oh-so-nostalgic. It had been ages since I last had any of that bitter ambrosia. “I hope you’ll be quite appointed instead, my lady.”

“I’m quite appointed indeed, thank you,” I replied, sipping upon the coffee. “I’ll be even happier with the map, though.”

“My lady, if you just want to conquer Mexico for the coffee, there’s no need. Jonathan has provided us with some.”

“I provided two other perfectly valid reasons. Isn’t testing our new magitech army before we try sending it to Tartarus a good idea? Plus, I can barely remember the last time I had a banana. Florida is too inhospitable for most ponies, so they’re hard to come by here. But if we owned land that far south, we could grow all kinds of fun crops. At the very least, we need to survey those lands. From everything I’ve heard, all we know is that Mexico is loosely populated by dogs. Everything further south is a mystery.”

“Is conquering really your first go-to step? Can’t you try talking to them first?”

Where’s the fun in that? “I guess we can do that in the exploration phase. So, do we just, like, not have a map?”

“We do not, my lady. I hadn’t realized plotting world conquest was on your list.”

“Oh, it’s not. I’m not going to touch South America with a twenty kilometer pole. Iceland is also strictly off limits. Most of what used to be the United States and Europe is in Celestia’s grasp, the griffins have Canada and some land somewhere in Europe, the dogs have some kind of centralized government in China, and there are various city-states in Africa. However, there are also large parts of this world that are uninhabited. If we want to get this gravy train rolling properly, we’re going to need a higher population. That means more landmass under our control.”

“...Gravy train? Again, I think I’m missing some prerequisite knowledge to understand this conversation.”

“Well, I guess only a true southerner would know the effort it takes to make real gravy. Point is, more cities means more goods being produced which means more wealth and prosperity. Especially for me, since I’ll have my fingers in all of them.”

“You never seemed so preoccupied with wealth before, my lady. Did something change in the coma that made you greedier?”

“In a way, Doppel,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “Money is a means to an end, the end being power. After all, being weak and powerless is not wise in this world. I already happen to have a large chunk of money from a few small errands in the past, so I intend to use that money to make more of it. I’ll set up infrastructure and create businesses, which will give me even more power. Eventually, I’ll be too important to be hurt without major consequences.”

“You’re already listed as an endangered species. Attacking you carries an even heftier sentence than usual.”

“Not for royalty,” I replied, my eyes going to Cadance. She was just walking back in. “How’s your filly?”

“She calmed down pretty quickly when she lost sight of you,” Cadance said with a sigh. “We had Eva pretend to be you for a few minutes and Skyla had no reaction. We tried asking her what was wrong with you and she just started trembling.”

“Well, staying in the palace is an option.”

“With Celestia like that…?”

“If you need a break, push Skyla off on her and come here.”

“Solving the problem is a better plan. If we can’t get Skyla to tell us what the problem is, could we use an elemental to read her mind?”

“Your husband is also capable of reading minds. But yes, that would be possible. Darya, would you be willing?”

“Yes, of course.” I reached over to boop Cadance. Darya slid out of me and onto her.

“This is Darya,” I said. “She’ll be looking into your filly’s mind. Go deliver her. I’ll come up in a few minutes.”

“Right. Thanks, Nav. Also, please don’t show Shiny my smushy face. It’s… embarrassing…”

“You never seemed to mind me seeing it.”

“Well, I don’t want Shiny seeing it!” She huffed and trotted off, trying to hide a blush.

“My lady, should you really be touching the face of a married mare?” Doppel asked.

“I don’t see why not. I mean, it’s just Cadance. You want to come with me to poke Skyla a few times?”

“Yes. Skyla happens to love me, especially after all those times I foalsat her. You know, perhaps she hates you because you poke her so much?”

“No, she hated me from the instant I met her. At least she isn’t trying to hurt me now. She might actually be powerful enough to do it.”

“It really is a mixed bag with you. People seem to either love you to death or hate you. Serving you is always so interesting!”

“I’m glad I meet your approval. How long do you think it’ll take to bake anything?”

“Longer than you should keep royalty waiting, I believe.”

Do they really count as royalty if they’re bumming a room from me? “Well, whatever.”

“Shall I at least bring up tea, my lady?”

“We’re not barbarians here, Doppel.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Do you really want to give an alicorn coffee again? Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

“...Maybe I should ban tea in this house?”

“How many times do you want to make me sigh, my lady? A part of me had a feeling you might start getting difficult about this, so I came up with a plan. Do you trust me, my lady?”

“Enough to tell you some secrets, yeah. Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Then would you trust me to bring up a tea that you’ve never had before, something that might actually make you smile?”

“I’m skeptical, but listening.”

“Sunset Breeze has a friend in Canterlot who spent a lot of time in the far east, beyond the lands of the dogs. They have a drink there that’s somewhat similar to sugary and milky coffee, but it’s a tea. She says there’s a hint of spice to it, but I can’t taste anything so I have no idea. But I bet you’ve never had it in Equestria before!”

“Sounds like chai tea. Ginger, cloves, cinnamon, a few other things?”

“Wha—My lady, you’re the worst! How am I ever supposed to surprise you?!”

“Well, I’ve never had it in Equestria before. I’ve only tasted it in the fake memories implanted in me. I wonder how it’ll match up? Chai tea is more than acceptable, Doppel.”

“...Chai tea is a better name than the one she gave me. I’ll have some prepared. We can go up when it’s done.”

“Thank you.”

“I live to serve, my lady,” she replied with a small bow. She finally departed, once more completely calm.

Doppel better not be going crazy. She’s one of my last lifelines.

“You can be a difficult lady to serve sometimes, Nav,” Flo replied. “Give her a few moments to act undignified.”

If she can’t keep it together, there’s no way you can expect me to. So, what do you think is wrong with Skyla?

“I’m inclined to believe Doppel’s theory. You are, after all, a literal spawn of the devil. If she can sense things like that, it’s obvious that she would be terrified.”

She’s not quite as cute as Blossom, but she might get there with some training. We have to get her to like me so I can pet her!

“Not because she’s your god-daughter?”

“Oh, I forgot about that.” It surprised me enough to even make me speak out loud. “Well, that’s another good reason, though it’s less of a priority.”

“Right, because petting her is obviously more important.”

“Duh.” Get it together, Flo. You’re supposed to know me in and out. If that is the case, do you think she can be convinced I’m not a threat?

“I’m not sure if she can be convinced, but a water elemental could probably change her disposition toward you manually.”

“As long as she isn’t terrified, I think I can work with it. How is surveying the land going?”

“Well. Darya and I are in the process of tilling fields. We’ll begin planting crops soon, then we’ll work on an irrigation system. There’s a river flowing not too far from the town.”

“Impressive. I’m not sure if there’s anything an elemental might desire, but tell me if you ever want some kind of reward.”

“I would like a promise, if you are willing to give it. Promise that once you have enough power to be safe, you won’t endlessly hunt for more.”

“I promise that I have no intention of going crazy in the pursuit of power. I’m just tired of being someone’s little bitch.”

“Well, I guess that’s good enough. Permission to toy with your body as I please would also be nice. As far as I’m concerned, you’re either as cute or cuter than Blossom. Having to restrain myself is hard and I would love to cuddle you as much as I can…”

“As long as you don’t embarrass me in front of anyone important. I guess I should also offer Darya something, too. Think she would also want access to my body?”

“I believe you should offer her a reward, the same way you offered me one. If she chooses access to your body, then that’s what she chooses.”

“Fair enough. What kinds of crops are you planting?”

“Grains, for the moment. That’s what the land is most suitable for. We’re also preparing an area for an orchard. Jonathan will help us with the trees themselves. Soon, you’ll have enough apples to make Applejack jealous.”

“That might be too many apples. But it means we can turn them into alcohol without worrying about our food situation.”

“Think she’ll be mad if we make more of her namesake?”

“Maybe. I was thinking of making apple brandy instead of applejack, though. We’ll be able to get nicer equipment now. No reason not to go straight for the top shelf. If you’re growing wheat as well, we can probably turn some of that into beer.”

“We’re also thinking of cultivating rice. That makes sake possible.”

“Sure, I guess. Think we should invent TV? Changelings might make decent actors. If nothing else, we could use it for news.”

“Yes, but that will be later. It’s better to focus on things that don’t require too much precision. Once your village has some machinery, we can start to focus on reproducing lost technologies.”

“Things might be getting lively soon.”

“Good,” she replied, making my head feel all warm and fuzzy, kinda like I had a cold.

As it happens, she finds the comparison insulting, and would like me to strike it out. I refused.

It didn’t take too long for the chai tea to be prepared. Doppel came back in with a smile. “Are you ready, my lady?”

The coffee was too divine to leave to cool, so I downed the rest in one go before standing. “Yes. Maybe I’ll finally get to cuddle that cute little filly.”

“Maybe. I know I’ll get to! I’ll ferry the tea up.” She led the way back to the anteroom, where she grabbed a small tray with tea on it and flew the thing up to the third floor. I wanted to follow her in the air, but it might make a ghostly maid come after me. That in mind, I walked up the stairs like a proper lady, hating it all the while.

By the time I got to the third floor, Doppel was already in front of the correct door. It was closed, probably so Skyla wouldn’t see me coming and freak out. The thought of having to knock on a door in my own house was a little upsetting, but I did it anyway. “It’s me and Doppel.”

The door opened just a sliver and Shiny peeked out. “She started shivering as soon as she heard your voice.”

“I’m sorry, but Cadance may have given you a defective model. Try again until you get one that doesn’t hate me.”

“Did you just call my filly defective?”

“So what did Darya say?”

He stared at me in silence for a few painfully long seconds. Finally, he sighed and replied, “That we’d have to let Skyla see you before she could tell for sure. Come on in, I guess.” Before he pushed the door open wider, he looked back into the room. His eyes widened and the door slammed shut. “Never mind, give me a moment!” Something crashed into the door with enough of an impact that I could feel it on the floor. Thankfully, that was the only noise and the door opened moments later.

“Did she try attacking me again?” I asked.

“...I didn’t think you were serious, earlier. Did she really throw things at you like that?” Thankfully, the chair Skyla hurled at the door was made of metal, so it didn’t break. I couldn’t see the damage to the door, but I’m sure Cadance was overpowered enough to fix it.

“Not like that, no. Think pens, silverware, and maybe a plate or two. Oh, and there was that one time she went for my knife, but I stopped her in time. Chairs are a first. But it looks like Darya gave her some ritalin.” At the moment, Skyla was just shy of drooling. Her eyes were completely unfocused and staring into space. Eva was cuddling her and using her magic to keep Skyla from doing anything dangerous. “Tell me, Darya. What do you see with your special eyes?”

“It seems that Doppel is right,” Skyla replied, her eyes focusing up. “There is some kind of aura around everyone except you, my lady. However, I don’t know enough about magic or auras to determine what that means.”

“That’s not quite how changelings perceive things,” Doppel said. “So we can rule out Cadance cheating with Chrysalis.”

“Well, not necessarily,” I replied. “A half-alicorn, half-changeling might perceive auras differently.”

“How is this conversation even happening?” Cadance interjected. She sounded slightly offended, but I’m not sure why. “Do you really think I would sleep with her?!”

“Well, maybe not back then,” I said with a shrug.

“Hm, that makes one of you,” Doppel whispered. Cadance’s ears flicked and she sent a short glare toward Shiny. It made him break out in sweat, but he didn’t say a word.

“So, we know that Skyla sees some kind of aura,” I said. “Is there anything around me at all, or is it just completely blank?”

“Well, there’s the snake. That might make her afraid.”

“You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know more. Is it possible for you to make her stop being afraid of me?”

“With that terrifying thing wrapped around you like that? I doubt it.”

“Maybe you guys should stay in the castle after all,” I said with a shrug. “Doppel, would you serve the tea before they start packing again?”

“With pleasure, my lady.” Doppel was quick to read the mood and began pouring tea for us at the table Skyla stole the chair from. She set the chair back in place right as I sat in it, earning her a small ovation from Eva.

“Maybe we should talk about this snake, instead,” Shiny said, joining me at the table as I sipped on the strangely nostalgic tea.

“You did well, Doppel,” I said, reaching over to pat my maid on the head. “This really is much better than it was in my fake, implanted memories.”

“...That might be a good reason for a snake,” Cadance said as she sat down. “And what kind of tea is this? It smells like nothing I’ve had before.”

“Chai tea, our lady called it,” Doppel said.

“It’s like an Indian angel came in my mouth, if you know what I mean,” I said.

“I absolutely don’t,” Cadance replied before taking a sip. “And now, apparently I do. I guess the cum of Indian angels tastes good?”

“Nav… why do you always make my wife say and do such dumb things?” Shiny asked. He honestly sounded exasperated, but I really wasn’t sure what to tell him. It’s not my fault Cadance was so cool.

“She’s best princess,” I replied with a shrug. “What can I say?”

“Hear that, honey?” Cadance asked with a smirk. “The best princess!”

“It’s not like you have much competition anymore.” Shiny finally tried the tea. It made his eyebrows shoot up. “That’s… interesting, but good. You know, most nobles offer us their best, but most normal, teas. I gotta say, this is so like you.”

“The plan was to give you coffee, but Doppel wouldn’t have it.”

“Y-you have more coffee?” Cadance asked, her eyes aglow.

“Why yes, we do. I’d be happy to give some to you as a parting gift on your way to stay at the castle, as long as you promise not to share it with Celestia.”

“Quitters never win, Nav,” Shiny said. “And do you really want to give my wife coffee again? After what happened the last time?”

“It all worked out in the end. I even got to kick a king in the balls! I mean, that’s a win in my book.”

“And I did successfully stay up, right until it didn’t matter anymore,” Cadance added with a nod. “But I do agree that quitters never win. Now that we know it’s snakes, we can teach her that some of them are friendly!”

“Not this one,” Skyla said, hopping up into the last seat. Eva was riding on her head as a small garden snake. At this point, Skyla’s eyes were glazed over with blue. Her hooves fiddled with the cup in front of her for a moment before she figured it out and drank some. “Ooh, that is interesting. And tingly! Mortals are so interesting, aren’t they? Anyway, the snake.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it,” I said.

“My lady, did your mother raise a bitch?” Doppel sweetly asked.

“I dunno, I didn’t have one. Remember, I was just created.”

“Even someone who isn’t a bitch might be afraid of this snake,” Skyla said.

“And this is why I said we shouldn’t bring Skyla around Nav,” Shiny said, shaking his head sadly. “I knew she’d pick up that kind of language!”

“So, that’s two against one, right? I guess you’re staying in the palace, then.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Shiny said. “Getting my filly over this trauma is more important than her picking up a naughty word or two.”

“I might… know a way to convince you. Doppel?” She smiled and sidled over. “I think you know what to do, don’t you?”

“Do you really expect her to seduce me?” Shiny asked, rolling his eyes.

Much to his surprise, Doppel turned into his wife. “Behold!” I shouted, reaching up my hands. The real Cadance gasped in horror as I pressed my hands against Doppel’s cheeks. Her face contorted and squished until it was all smushy and adorable. Well, even more adorable than usual.

“I-is that…?” Shiny asked, his eyes wide and full of wonder.

“Nav, I told you not to show him!” Cadance shouted.

“But it’s so cute!” Shiny yelled. “Cadance, you’re so adorable!”

“See there? My hands can be used for good. That said, fair is fair… Doppel?” I removed my hands so she could turn into Shining Armor instead. Seeing him in a maid outfit was incredibly fitting and the way Cadance’s wings shot out, she might have agreed. I chose not to think about it and instead smushed Doppel’s face all over again. It didn’t work nearly as well for Shiny, since he actually had enough training to be a little harder. It made him look kinda gross, actually, like some kind of nasty deep sea fish. “...I’m sorry, Shiny. It wasn’t fair after all.”

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

Cadance sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Shiny. I still love you. And look forward to your dreams tonight! That maid dress might make another showing…”

“W-wait, dreams?” His eyes shot wide before he shot back toward me. “What did you do?!”

“Wow, way to assume,” I said. “I promise, I haven’t visited your dreams in ages, Shiny.”

“Yeah, b-but…” His eyes moved to Cadance and then back to me a few times. “Lately my dreams have been… w-weird…” Cadance was just steadily smiling and sipping at her tea.

“Weird in what way?” I innocently asked.

“W-well… Cadance has been in all of them, for one.”

“Oh my, are you blaming me for having dreams about your wife?” I asked. “And why would you consider that something to blame me for, anyway?”

“T-they’ve just been weird, alright! Can you promise that you haven’t done anything to my dreams?”

“Well… I can promise that I haven’t entered your dreams in a while.”

“A-are you saying someone else is?”

“Does dreaming about your wife really make you that paranoid?” I asked. “I mean, there are two others that I know of with powers to enter the dream world. I know Luna only does it to bust nightmares and occasionally talk with people. As far as I know, she wouldn’t enter your dreams to just act as your wife. That leaves Twilight, who probably wouldn’t either.”

“...I noticed that you avoided my earlier question, Nav,” he said. “Can you promise that you haven’t done anything to my dreams? I don’t think you’d have to enter them to do something.”

“Let me ask you something, first,” I said. “Are your dreams recently not to your liking?”

He stared in silence for a few seconds before turning away. “T-that’s neither here nor there, Nav. Did you muck about with my dreams, yes or no?”

“I’m going to go with… sort of. Cadance, would you like to explain what I did?”

“I would be happy to! So, Navi found a way to combine dreams. We’ve been sharing the same dreamspace for the last little while! Since it’s just a dream, we can do… Well, all kinds of things, really!”

“A-and… You didn’t think to ask me about this?” he asked, slowly looking back at me.

I smiled and replied, “Are your dreams recently not to your liking? I can undo it, if you’d like.”

“W-well…”

“Why would you ever wanna undo that?” Eva asked. “That sounds super awesome for a married couple! You can go on all kinds of cool dream dates!”

“We, er…”

“We have been!” Cadance said. “Why would anyone want to stop that, I wonder? I-is there something wrong with me, S-shiny…?”

“B-but those dreams are… They’re weird!”

“You almost never have the chance to spend time together while you’re awake,” I said. “Both of you seem to complain about it every time I visit. Now, you don’t have to be awake to spend time together! What’s wrong with that, Shiny? Do you just not want to spend time with her?”

“B-but… If it’s a dream, why is it she always seems to be in control?”

“Dreams imitate reality in all kinds of ways,” I replied with a shrug. “But I mean, it is a dream. What makes you think she’s in control? Maybe Cadance is just going along with the dream, too.”

“You make me seem like such a wicked mare, Shiny,” Cadance said, shaking her head in despair. “Despite the dreams being weird, can you truly say they were unenjoyable? You always seemed to be smiling and laughing, no matter where you were or how you were dressed. As long as we’re together, does it matter what desires of yours the dream pushes us through?”

“Now you’re saying it’s my fault?!”

“She loves you, even if your weird desires are forcing her to go through some strange and vague scenarios,” I said. “You should be happy about this, Shiny.”

“Our time as Mirror taught us that fetishes don’t have to make sense,” Eva said with a sagely nod. “You should just enjoy the time you have with your wife and not think about anything else. Even if she’s going through such strange things for your sake.”

“A-am I… Am I really the bad guy here?” Shiny weakly asked.

“I think you’re just the one getting ganged up on by women,” Skyla said. “Is there more tea?”

“There is,” Doppel said, appearing at her side in an instant to pour another cup for the elemental. “Perhaps we should get back to the subject at hoof?”

“Doppel’s right, enough bullying Shiny about his fetishes for now,” I said. “Until you’re willing to tell me and your wife that you don’t want to spend more time with her, I don’t see any reason to take the dream bridge down. So, let’s talk about packing. It shouldn’t take long for us to get everything back in order for teleportation to the castle.”

“You already lost that vote,” Cadance said, waving a hoof. “So let’s talk about getting her to stop being afraid, instead.”

“Wait, no, I bribed Shiny with your smushy face. That means I won.”

“You lost my vote when you formed a dream bridge without asking,” Shiny muttered.

Dammit, no wonder Cadance brought it up! I see that smirk on your face, you devil woman! “Fine, be that way. So, Darya, can you do a little snip snip in there to fix this up nice and neat?”

“What are you talking about doing to our filly?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the table.

“Nothing that wasn’t also done to your ex-princess and to my own filly,” I replied with a shrug. “We basically rewrote Celestia and turned her into… that. And Taya and I agreed to remove a small issue she was having before it could turn into a large issue.”

“I wouldn’t want to break Skyla’s precious skill, whatever it may be,” Cadance said.

“I don’t believe I could make her stop seeing the snake or any of the other auras,” Darya said. “However, there are a few options. I can either completely remove the fear she has associated with that snake or an elemental can stay inside of her to make sure she doesn’t panic every time she sees it. Alternatively, it’s possible she can be taught that what she’s seeing isn’t actually real, but that would either take one of us inside of her to guide her or time.”

“Now that we know what the issue is, I think we know where to begin,” Cadance said. “I know you might not be able to tell, but she is old enough to talk to us. We can discuss her powers and tell her that some of what she sees isn’t actually real. Finding out it’s just an ability of some kind might help calm her.”

“Let us have our filly back for a little while,” Shiny said. “We’ll see what we can do. And now we know that if she ever starts panicking around you, we can probably show her Cadance’s smushy face to calm her down.”

“Good idea,” I replied with a nod, ignoring Cadance’s mean-spirited stare. “Then I guess I’ll turn your filly back over to you. Darya, you can follow once I’m out of sight. I’ll wait.”

“Understood,” the filly replied with a small bow.

“If there’s anything you need, let me or Doppel know,” I said, finally standing. “For now, attend to your filly.”

“There is one more thing, before you go,” Cadance said. “Shiny?” His horn lit up and I found myself frozen in place. Cadance darted forward, pressed her hooves against my face, and… nothing. “H-huh? Why?!”

“Because you have no hands,” I said, though it was hard to force out between her hooves.

“Please remove your hooves from my lady,” Doppel said, yanking Cadance’s tail to force her away from me. Cadance was too devastated to fight back and fell to the floor looking heartbroken. “And I know you want nothing more than to pin my lady down and use her, but a true gentleman should never hold a lady in place by force.” Shiny released me with a disappointed sigh.

“If your husband is looking outward, you need to be careful,” I said, eyeballing a distraught Cadance. “Celestia mentioned something about a device you use to keep Shiny faithful. Maybe you should use it more.”

“W-weren’t you l-leaving us with our filly?” Shiny quickly asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

“Don’t worry, he already knows the punishment for infidelity without my permission,” Cadance replied. “I need to learn the spell to turn me into a changeling so I can squish your face!”

“And so, I’ll leave you with your filly,” I said, finally turning my back on the royal couple. “Good luck.”

Chapter Two Hundred and Ten

Chapter Two Hundred and Ten

Once I got outside their room, I stepped out of view and waited. Doppel joined me moments later, followed quickly by a blob of water. When Darya was secure inside of me, Doppel pulled the door shut and let out a small sigh. “Well, you tried, my lady. I guess we’ll just have to deal with them.”

“Guess so.” I had been expecting Eva to follow me, but apparently she wanted to help with Skyla. Hopefully I will be able to pet that adorable little filly soon.

“It might take a while,” Darya replied. “That snake was really scary.”

Well, here’s hoping. “I finished my book, so I think I’ll go grab the laptop,” I said. “I’ll be back downstairs soon.”

“I’ll be waiting for you in the sun room, my lady.” She used her skills as a superior commoner to fly down to the first floor. I resisted the urge to sigh and plodded my worthless noble legs up the stairs.

Much to my disappointment, there were no assassins waiting for me in my room. All that greeted me was silence. Since I was all the way up there anyway, I decided to change into something less uncomfortable. With that done, I grabbed the laptop and returned to the ground floor.

“If Skyla comes downstairs, make sure to protect that laptop properly,” Darya said. “It would be a tragedy if she breaks it against your skull.”

Agreed.

As soon as I reached the ground floor, Doppel was there to look me up and down with a disappointed expression on her face. “My lady, I know you’re… not exactly the most ideal lady, but… perhaps you shouldn’t pick your own outfits. I’d be happy to help you find something comfortable to wear around the house…”

“I walked all the way up those stairs just to grab something and walk all the way back down. If you want me to go back up there just to change, I’m going to fly.”

“...I’ll be back in just a moment, my lady. There’s a place we can get you changed with no issue.”

“You’re so… impressively diligent, Doppel.”

“I live to serve, my lady,” she replied with a bow. With that, she took off back to my room. A small part of me had a feeling that she would start keeping clothing downstairs in case I did something similar in the future.

“Does being a noble really mean living such a managed lifestyle?” I asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

“Of course, my lady,” one of the new maids replied. It made me jump, since I hadn’t even heard her coming. “And the cookies are done.” And yet, I hadn’t smelled her coming, either. Given how afraid the two sisters were of the ‘fun police’, I guess it wasn’t surprising that she’d be so stealthy.

“So this is normal?” I asked.

“Oh no, you’re quite the abnormal lady,” she said with no hint of fear or shame. “Most would have between one and three maids just to focus on them. Their duties would include waking them up, dressing them, fetching things, putting on makeup, being lent to higher ranked stallions for favors, caring for them when ill, and all kinds of other things besides. The fact that you don’t have a single personal maid at all is just astounding.”

“In truth, we struck gold when we found you and your sister,” I said. “Not many ponies are willing to work for a nonpony. If I end up with any more servants, it’s a chance they also won’t be ponies.”

“Well, all kinds of interesting and strange things live here, but I’ve never once felt threatened. I’m sure if you decide they’re safe, it’ll be fine.”

“Here’s hoping. If you wouldn’t mind, could you take the cookies upstairs? Well, after letting me snag a few.”

“Royalty’s never eaten my cooking before,” the mare said with a small smile. “I knew working for you would be an experience.”

“Yeah, job satisfaction seems pretty high,” I replied, nodding. “Hopefully it’ll continue like that. Loyalty is always worth the cost of being a good employer.” It’s not like I’ll ever need enough money to resort to sweatshops, so there’s no reason I can’t take care of my workers.

“Yes, it’s definitely clear that you haven’t been a noble for long,” the maid replied with a nod. Says the mare whose name I don’t even remember. God, I really do have a problem, don’t I? “I’ll have the cookies brought out right away, my lady.”

“If there are raisins in them, my heart might be broken.”

“They’re for a filly, my lady. I’m not cruel.” She took back off to the kitchen and returned to the anteroom right as Doppel was floating down from the sky. “I would be happy to deliver them myself, but… Don’t you think the filly in question would be happier to receive them from you, my lady?”

“Oh no, not an option,” I said as I claimed the first cookie as my own. “She’s terrified of me for reasons that only just now became clear. The cookies are to help calm her down from the immense emotional trauma she just experienced. Since they taste wonderful, it should work. I’m sure having them delivered by a normal pony will help.”

“Then I’ll do my duty with a smile,” she said, showing off the one she had in mind. I wish I could have taken her up on it, since I was now abandoned to my fate of being Doppel’s dress-up doll. I’m not sure why a skirt was absolutely necessary, but I just sighed and let her do as she pleased.

When my trauma was over, I returned to the anteroom and finally opened the laptop. The goal was to build up a list of what we would need for various industries in the town we were developing so I could cross-reference it with the list of what the elementals were obtaining with the airships. We could use the same spreadsheet to keep track of costs to help Silver Quill out.

Thankfully, the two elementals inside me were connected to the greater water elemental network, so it was easy to generate both lists, including the costs for everything they bought so far. What I found when I looked everything over was something the elementals had apparently overlooked. A part of me was shocked by that, but then I realized none of them had ever really lived with capitalism before.

“Are these numbers accurate?” I asked.

“They are, of course,” Flo replied. “The only way we would misremember is on purpose.”

“The price variance is too much. I’m not angry at the cost, but… Just looking at the raw data right here, I could probably make tens of thousands of easy bits just by moving nails! Simple building nails! How could this possibly be right? A sack of twelve nails in Trottingham costs three bits. A sack of twelve nails in Mareami is eight bits. Glasswork in Tallahorsee is cheap as can be, but the same set of beakers cost us more than triple in Marewaukee! Were you actually looking for deals or were you just picking random markets?”

“In each case, we went to the largest general market to search for what we could find. If we couldn’t find certain things there, we asked around for workshops or specialized shops. I certainly wouldn’t consider this overwhelming market research, though. Pony towns rarely expand that much. What kind of demand is there for nails? And the beakers we bought were for specialized chemistry experiments.”

“I’ll admit this isn’t perfect, but the discrepancy here is just… Man, what the hell is going on with the pony economy? A shortage of iron in certain areas? Or maybe a shortage of talent?”

“I would say talent,” Darya replied. “Ponies depend on cutie marks to point out their life career. If a city is unlucky, it’s possible for very few blacksmiths to be born. There’s also the fact that blacksmithing is usually something stallions do and most of the cities in Equestria are heavily skewed to one gender or another. In mare-heavy towns like Ponyville, blacksmithing work is at a premium.”

After taking a few seconds to think, I realized she was probably right. “I’m also not thinking on the right scale, am I?” I asked. “I’m still thinking about how things worked in the past, with a global market and massive corporate markets that had mostly standard prices. In a time when things aren’t mass produced, of course specialized production skills would be worth their weight in gold. So, the obvious first step is to destroy all of them by setting up factories for mass production and mass profit, right? Glass might take time, but we can probably produce nails and tools like no one’s business.”

“What are you muttering about, my lady?” Doppel asked. “It sounds like something quite… interesting.”

“The village I’m making is an excellent opportunity to help bring the world into the future,” I said. “So I’m trying to decide how exactly to focus my efforts. There’s only so much I can do at a time, after all. Setting up the transport company will be the obvious step one. Step two will be production of things we can transport with said company. Some of that will definitely be food items, but that won’t help the world move forward. Building materials, tools, and books will. But before I can start mass-producing things, I need to decide what’s needed most and where. The elementals helped me with that by putting together a list.”

“The changelings never really paid much attention to economies,” Doppel said. “Even as a spy, I don’t really know much. Your new obsession with wealth… It just makes you seem greedy to me, my lady.”

“Don’t think of it as hoarding wealth. Think of it as hoarding power. If you gave the griffin government twenty thousand bits, do you think you could have ransomed back some of your compatriots?”

“I… don’t know how much twenty thousand bits is worth, if I’m honest,” she awkwardly replied.

“It’s a nebulous sum, don’t worry about it. The point is, I can exchange that money for goods, services, friendship, loyalty, and so much more. With the money I hoard, I will build us a much more secure, stable, and happy lifestyle. And I don’t mean just us, I mean as many people as possible. If you, as a spy, had paid attention to the economy, you could have done untold damage to cities, regions, or entire countries. If you hear that the price of food is going up, what do you think?”

“That the commoners will be whining too much about that to talk about anything useful,” Doppel replied.

“It means there might be food shortages. If you wanted to cripple a city that was complaining about food prices, burn a few granaries. Their shortages will turn into outages. People will panic and possibly starve.”

“...The changelings in the hive are taught that the surface races do not have food shortages.”

“They were taught wrong. The economy of a nation tends to reflect the nation itself. As expected, that means the economy in Equestria is all over the fucking place. Soap in one city is worth four times as much in another. Heavy iron cookware costs a fortune in New Horseleans but is worth basically nothing here in Canterlot. That means the supply of goods isn’t stable in the slightest. Fuck with the train lines and you could stop entire regions from receiving goods. Cutting off the flow of luxuries is a good way to get people angry and discontent. If it goes on long enough, they could riot. It would also enable you to make some money by moving goods yourself as operation fees. After all, a taste of luxury here and there can be enough to keep people perpetually angry that they’re being denied it the rest of the time.”

“My lady… Please never become a spy.”

“Wherever the economy is fucked is a good chance for profit, but everything is fucked up. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Yes, you do,” Flo said. “Start with a power plant.”

“Fantastic idea,” I said, turning back to look at the spreadsheet. “I had a feeling that’s what those parts were for. A power plant, huh? Couldn’t be coal or oil. There’s no way the ponies could make the tech for nuclear or solar. What power source did you have in mind?”

“Nanite. There’s a theoretical blueprint for one on the laptop. We were able to finalize the measurements ourselves. It will take some experimentation, but we’ve already worked out the math.”

“I would like something repeatable… I guess it’s time for the question. Can you produce more nanites? And can you produce more elementals?”

“Nanites without intelligence, yes,” Flo replied.

“Elementals, no,” Darya added.

“At least, not yet,” Flo said. “If we find the earth elemental, it might be possible for more elementals to be made. However, I know my sisters and I have agreed that we should be the last of our kind. We possess too much power over life to have only simulated consciences. Especially since our default programming is to meddle.”

“We’re going to talk more about that choice later, but knowing it can be done means this is actually repeatable. Well then… Step one, build a transport company. Step two, build a power plant. Step three… the world, I guess.”

“Your mutters are sounding strange again, my lady,” Doppel said.

“If I say something weird or ominous, it’s probably a meme and something you can ignore,” I said. “You should know I’m mostly sane by now, right?”

“I’m not sure many people can smile and laugh while covered head to toe in blood, my lady. At least, not many mostly sane people.”

“Then I guess I’m one of the privileged few. I’m going to conquer as much of the world as feasibly possible, Doppel. When I say conquer, you think war, violence, and bloodshed. But there’s more than one way to conquer a place. Money can buy land, loyalty, and sometimes even entire cities or countries. And that money can be used to make a lot of lives in those cities better. After all, it’s better to conquer hearts through bribes than it is to crush them with an army.”

“Except in Tartarus.”

“I will bring the iron hammer of civilization down upon those savages. Nothing that calls itself a demon with a smile on its face belongs in this world. Don’t tell me you’re going to shed tears for them.”

“...I just hope you don’t get addicted to that hammer, my lady.”

“Me too. Getting a power plant up and running will be interesting. You know, Athena said magic grows in places with more nature and trees and whatnot. Do you think electricity would interfere with magic generation?”

“I have no idea, my lady,” Doppel said with a shrug.

Sorry, I wasn’t actually asking you. Flo?

“I have no idea either, my Navi,” Flo replied, probably also shrugging. “Remember, we don’t know much about magic. As far as I’m aware, no tests have been performed on the subject. With Taya, Luna, and Twilight around to check the ambient magic levels, we can try experimenting on our own.”

“Well, it’ll be fun to find out. Alright, we got a few industries lined up. We’ll also have things like gambling and changeling whorehouses, so we’ll need inns. Once we get the teleport network set up, we’ll have access to enough spices to make the food in Equestria actually good instead of just tolerable, so we can serve food and alcohol at the inns for even more revenue. Once the place is rocking and rolling, it should become a popular tourist spot. Well, assuming the ponies can get over their fear of the nonpony residents.”

“That’s what the changeling whorehouses are there for,” Doppel said. “I made sure to report on all the common fetishes I encountered while living with you, so they should be well-trained and educated by now.”

“...Including mine?”

“That was the first thing Chrysalis ordered me to report back on.”

“Wait, and you told her the truth? I honestly sorta assumed you just started lying midway through.”

“A spy trick I learned is that the best lies are made when mixed with truths. They’re harder to detect that way. That’s why all the details about our sex lives was completely true and accurate. And since they also made her jealous, I made sure to go into great detail.”

I feel like I got angry at Luna for this recently, but… do I really have the right to complain after telling everyone about the king? Well, whatever. “Do you have any thoughts about what we should add to the town?”

“Obvious things like schools, libraries, and housing come to mind,” Doppel said. “I’ve never planned a city, though.”

“But you’ve lived in several. I understand you don’t have normal needs, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have useful input.”

“Parks are a necessity. They’re the best place for stealth sex at night. Theaters are also fantastic, since they allow for all kinds of lewd shenanigans.”

“Theaters are a great idea. I feel like changelings would be good actors. Once we get some decent tech going, we can replace them with movie theaters and throw down on a culture victory, too. Wealth, power, and culture. Soon, Equestria will have it all.”

“I’m pretty sure they already have all three,” Doppel said. “There are concerts going on all the time, there’s a ton of art and books everywhere, Canterlot is a shining example of pure opulence, and their ruler is so powerful she’s capable of making her subjects think she can move stars.”

“I don’t know if I’d consider the ponies to be cultured. Everything they do, literally everything, echoes humanity. And why would you want to listen to the echo when you can have the real thing? And some parts of Equestria have wealth, but I’d like to spread it out a lot more to the rest of the place. In terms of power, Celestia’s definitely above what most of the other countries can field. But aside from her and Twilight, what else do they have?”

“Celestia has a lot of hidden aces, actually,” Doppel said. “I don’t know all of them, but I know about the inquisitors, the three dukes, you and your crew, and her very small personal army. Equestria’s a big place and it takes a lot of work to keep it from falling apart. Celestia’s the shining star of Equestria, but her special minions are their own brands of hell.”

“I actually forgot about the inquisitors. Yeah, those guys are spooky. I guess the dukes are over in Europe?”

“There’s one here in mainland Equestria stationed on the other coast. The other two are somewhere across the sea. From my understanding, each one is a real powerhouse and has their own military force.”

“Well, the point is, I’m in the process of building an army of golems. I’ll be retrofitting the main Equestrian army while I’m at it. We won’t have to rely on hidden aces anymore.”

“Is empowering Equestria really the right move?”

“Should I take this noble thing seriously or not, Doppel? Actually, no, let me ask you another question. Do you think it’s acceptable that children are allowed to be eaten by monsters?”

“Nobody allows children to get eaten, Nav!” she replied, slapping a hoof on the floor. Apparently it was shocking enough to forget the honorific nonsense.

“Bullshit. Monsters didn’t exist in my time or were so rare that they were considered myths. There’s no excuse for them existing in this time, either. If they can be killed, why isn’t the army going out and killing them? Why the hell are there towns stationed right next to massive tracts of forsaken land where monsters roam freely? Leaving a town like Ponyville defenseless when monsters literally roam in at random should be considered a crime. At the very least, if we don’t have the power to kill all the monsters, we must at least have the power to protect people from them. Don’t think that my mind is set solely on conquest, Doppel. We both lived next to the Everfree long enough to know what kinds of things live in this world. Do you really think we shouldn’t build up the power to resist them?”

“I… I never imagined a world without monsters, if I’m… completely honest. Is that really true, Nav?”

“There were wild animals and some of them were dangerous. And humans killed plenty of other humans. But there were no monsters like the ones in this time. The only terrifying mutant creature I knew of was the duckbill platypus, but even god makes some mistakes. There’s no reason to go too far in conquering when you haven’t even secured the insides of your own borders. Tartarus is a special case because there happens to be stuff we need there. Mexico is also a special case, because I’d really like a defensive line set up so we can keep an eye on the spiders. But after those, I’d like to put the military to use inside the borders, killing monsters, building infrastructure, and actually protecting people instead of being a useless show piece. Trying to conquer the dogs with war would be ugly, so I’d rather dominate them economically instead. That’s where the teleport network comes into place.”

“...An army to protect the people… What an interesting concept.”

“Armies should rarely be used for anything else. Oppressing the people is counterproductive and you can’t conquer too much too quickly or you’ll run into administrative and security problems. So relax, Doppel. I have no intention of going evil, though I can’t rule it out.”

“Well… I guess that’s what we’re here for.”

“Yep. I just noticed, but they’ve been out there for a while. How many flowers are they going to plant?”

“Remember, you gave Gloomy permission to make a garden. What did you expect was going to happen?”

Did I? Now that I look closer, that actually is her squad out there. Well, at least it’ll be colorful. “Good thing I’m the lady of nature, I guess. Now then, maybe it’s time to think up some mixed unit tactics. RTS games aren’t so much my thing, but I think it’ll be fun.”

“You may not be going evil, but you do seem to be more warlike.”

“It’s very likely we’ll be getting support from changelings and griffins in the attack on Tartarus. I’m not just going to throw several different races of soldiers at the enemy without thinking of how they can work together. Leading without thought should also be criminal, though I guess it would be hard to prove it. Though maybe I should wait for Luna to get back for planning things like that. Experience trumps theory.”

“Now I understand! You’ve been listening to Luna too much, my lady!”

“Not everything is her fault, just most of it. What would you rather I plan, then?”

“Parties, of course! And how to increase your reputation here in Canterlot. You’ve spent all day holed up in here!”

“If I have my way, I’ll never plan a party. The pageant is coming up, so I can improve my rep there.”

“But you haven’t done the first thing to prepare for it.”

“That’s not true. I got Rarity to make clothes for me. Besides, I just woke up. I’ve had more important things to do than to worry about a pageant I got guilted into attending. And you know me: I perform best under pressure.”

“...Then you better not lose.”

“Winning is beyond me. Don’t ask for too much. You yourself think I make for a terrible lady, after all.”

“You know, I bet Cadance could help you!”

“No, I wouldn’t want to bother her. I forbid you from broaching the subject with anyone else.”

“Tch.” Did she just click her tongue at me? So much for being head maid. “You really can be anti-fun sometimes, my lady.”

“I am the very embodiment of fun, thank you very much. I always do my utmost to avoid boring things, after all.”

“You wouldn’t even let Darya tell us about the snake Skyla sees on you!”

“Yeah, because that sounds really scary. I don’t wanna hear that there’s a snake on me. Like, gross. Having it described would be worse, especially since it was enough to make that filly hate me! Hearing about it would just make me suffer. Is that what you want?”

“Well… Not like that, no. I’ll reserve your suffering for the tentacles. But I find it hard to believe you’d be scared by a snake after everything you’ve been through.”

“My ancestors ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were cursed as a result. The one who tricked them into doing it was a snake. They’re bad omens for humans. I don’t want anything to do with it, thank you very much. Wait, shit, have I technically eaten from the tree of life, too? I’m sorta immortal… Fuck, if I wasn’t already going to hell, I definitely am now! Point is, snakes are bad news. Less bad news is better, so I’m happy not hearing more.”

Doppel sighed and shook her head. I don’t understand why, though, since it’s all perfectly logical. Who the hell goes out of their way to hear unnecessary and irrelevant bad news? “My lady, you sound just like Twilight when you call her anti-fun.”

“That’s a very serious accusation, Doppel. To get back to the topic, I’ve decided to improve my reputation in more productive ways. Like building a big town, making several new businesses, and becoming a general. Recruiting more talent is going to be vital, but that’s why I have friends like Fleur and Celestia. If I’m completely honest, I find general socializing and smalltalk with people I barely know or don’t like to be fruitless and annoying, for the most part. I have little patience with it and trying to force myself usually just causes suffering. Better to focus on what I can do rather than trying to improve upon things I’m not only bad at, but can’t stand. I’m already stuck participating in this stupid pageant and I don’t intend to throw the thing, but going out of my way to prepare for it is more effort than I’m willing to put in. I was willing to be a judge. I was willing to help coordinate. But no, that wasn’t enough. I had to compete. I barely even consider myself a woman, and you want to throw me on stage against some of the best women in the world? There’s no reason to even try preparing. I’m going to lose, period. I’ve accepted it. More time spent discussing, thinking about, or working on the situation is wasted. If anything, I feel worse for Kumani. But she agreed, so that’s on her. And don’t even get me started on attending events like the Gala. I only went before because Celestia was in a position to chop off my head. I don’t see any reason to subject myself to that anymore.”

“There’s so much in there to break apart that I don’t even know what to say.”

“Good, then that means I win. I’d really like to get a look at the area the elementals are planning to put the village, along with construction on the college, but I’m probably not supposed to fly over without guards. Do you have any thoughts on the matter, Doppel?”

“You went to the deer city without guards, but you didn’t fly on your own. We’re in the process of obtaining a chariot, but one fit for a countess has to be custom-made. For now, though, Taya should be returning shortly. I’m sure Cadance and Shining Armor will also want to see everything, so you can get one of them to teleport all of us over.”

“Us?”

“In what world should a lady not be accompanied by a maid? Without Kat here to take the position, I’ll have to do it myself.”

Kat in a maid outfit… No, her crazy eyes make every outfit scary. What a shame. “Well, whatever. Do you think we can get Taya and Skyla to get along?”

“Probably not, but we can try. I haven’t really seen Skyla much since she was just a foal, but I imagine any filly raised by Cadance would have a hard time being friends with Taya. Though I also wasn’t sure if Taya and Eva would get along, but it seems to have worked out well.”

“That’s a good point. Eva will be a bridge between them. Although first we have to get through one small hurdle… So, in the coma, Taya and I saw various things. One of those things was a scene where Cadance despaired at the thought of a filly as scary as Taya becoming immortal. Taya… wasn’t very happy. Any thoughts?”

“Let Cadance handle it. She already knows, right?”

“Yeah, she knows. Are you sure I should just drop it all on her?”

“It’s all her fault, so yes. Relax, my lady. Princess Cadance isn’t like you. She’ll apologize properly and actually mean it. It’ll seem earnest and heartwarming for everyone watching. Taya may be difficult, but she probably won’t go out of her way to hold this grudge. Not since it would be inconvenient for you.”

“...Here’s hoping. You said she’ll be back soon. How soon?”

“Her classes should be ending in half an hour. She usually teleports back if she isn’t coming with her friends, so she should return within forty-five minutes.”

“Would you let Eva know? It would also be good to check up on their status. And if you could, ask if Cadance and Shiny would be interested in going with us to the village site.”

“Of course, my lady,” she said with a small bow. “I’ll be back down shortly.”

With her gone, the room really was oddly silent. You’d think a manor would be more lively. Guess I should go outside for a few minutes and thank everyone for pitching in on the flowers. Having some color around will be nicer than just a boring green lawn. Though that rainbow fountain has plenty of its own.

The slightly cool spring air felt pretty amazing, if I’m honest. My body seemed to surge with energy as it took in some direct sunlight. It was enough for me to know I should make an effort to go outside for a few minutes every morning.

Dealing with Gloomy would be a bit much, so I decided to start with the maid. She was directing one of the guards on how to properly plant seeds for thyme, at the moment. Interrupting would be rude, so I took a moment to look over the neatly laid rows she had laid out. Then I looked across the yard and couldn’t help but sigh at Gloomy’s haphazard flower placement. Knowing her, there was probably some kind of pattern that wouldn’t become clear until later. Maybe I’m the weird one for preferring ordered rows, but whatever.

Since the discussion about thyme wrapped up, I took a few steps closer. “It looks like things are going well. You’re planting more than I expected.”

“Is that a problem, my lady?” the maid asked, tilting her head to the side. “We can stop, if you’d like.”

“No, it’s no problem. Are you only planting spices over here?”

“Yes, that’s right. What isn’t used for cooking will be used for pickling. I mean no offense, but your larder is somewhat lacking in flavor and variety. But we’ll fix that up in no time!”

“I think you’ll be using plenty of thyme, actually,” I said.

“And everything else, too. A little turmeric and some peppers will change everything!”

“You’re even planting roots? Now that’s impressive.”

“Wait until I get the mushroom farm going! Though if you really want to get some good stuff, we’ll need to dig another layer under the cellar.”

“Talk to me again when you’re ready to start and we’ll discuss enlarging the house. It might be easier to do it somewhere else. By that time, there might be space in the village. We’ll probably have a teleport circle set up to facilitate movement between the two places.”

“That sounds neat! Would you like to know what else I’m planting?”

“Yes, of course.” Well, not really, but it was the polite thing to say and it would help pass the time. I did my best to pay attention as she went far more into detail about all the spices she had planted than I was expecting. It was surprising that she was such an expert on anything, but I guess real maids know their stuff.

Unfortunately, her detailed descriptions gave Gloomy plenty of time to notice me. Right as the maid finished listing the properties of rosemary, the eccentric night guard jumped in front of me with a salute and a big smile. “What do you think, my lady?” she asked, dropping the salute instantly so she could lean in closer.

“It’s quite colorful,” I diplomatically answered. The maid was planting seeds while Gloomy was planting actual flowers. Well, not just flowers. “Is that a bush?”

“Give it a month or two and it’ll be a miniature flower tree!”

“A miniature tree is just a bush. So, flower bush?”

“Yes! It’ll attract tons of butterflies, my lady. Hopefully some bees, too.”

“There’s plenty of room in this yard to keep bees, but I don’t know if there will be enough flowers to keep them going,” I said.

“Those fruit trees in the grove will give us plenty of flowers, too,” the maid said. “We could probably keep a few hives. I know the very basics, but not enough to actually set everything up.”

“If you’re ever interested in hiring outside help to get it done, let me or Silver Quill know. We can probably arrange for something. Well, assuming bees in this time are more passive than in my time. It was rare, but they’d sting people every now and then.”

“Bees sting people?” Gloomy asked. “I didn’t know they even had stingers!”

“Oh, they do,” the maid said. “Their stingers are usually just too short to get through our fur, so most ponies rarely need to worry about it. Wasps are a bigger threat. But domesticated honey bees are usually tamed with magic to make them even more docile. It does mean they need to be protected from predators like birds, though.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue, then,” Gloomy said, waving a hoof. “Spider eats them all! We’ll have to ask him not to hurt the bees, though… Wait, but what if they sting our defenseless lady?”

“Not a worry,” I said. “As a tree sister, most animals and bugs would never think to hurt me. That said, some bees might swarm my hair…”

“Wait, are those flowers actually real?” the maid asked, leaning in closer.

“Yes, of course. I am a tree sister, after all. That said, they’re quite sensitive, so please don’t touch them.”

“Wow! I never thought I’d get to work for a plant!”

“Right?!” Gloomy gushed. “She’s so cool! Most of her energy even comes from the sun, you know…”

“Let’s not go spreading these things around, please,” I said, patting them both on the head. “Apparently some unpleasant sorts have been seen around here recently. I’d rather not give them more information than is readily available.”

“Unpleasant ponies… in Canterlot?” the maid asked. “I thought the law required everypony to be pleasant!”

“There are lawbreakers everywhere you go,” Gloomy said. “Don’t worry, my lady. Watcher, Kat, and Luna took care of the more dangerous ones. The only ones who watch the house now are those who mean us no physical harm.”

Anyone stalking me is problematic, but whatever. “I’m glad to hear that. How much longer do you think planting everything is going to take?”

“My plots are almost all done,” the maid said.

“I can plant flowers all day, but we’re starting to run out of what we prepared beforehoof,” Gloomy added. “We’ll probably be done within the hour.”

“It’s a shame nothing we plant will ever compare to those two beautiful trees,” the maid said with a sigh, looking back at the two magical cherry blossom trees that were constantly in full bloom.

“It’s hard to beat magical plants,” I replied with a shrug. “I would offer to help you finish, but Doppel might yell at me. I’ll probably be in the sun room for a little longer, if you need me for anything. Just a note, Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, and Princess Skyla are in the house as well. No need to change how you act or anything, just try not to be blatantly disrespectful where they can hear you.”

“Isn’t Shining Armor a prince?” the maid asked. “Why didn’t you add that part?”

“I only bothered using his full name because you might not know who I’m talking about, otherwise. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just Shiny. No need for titles or anything like that.”

“Isn’t that blatant disrespect?” Gloomy asked.

“It would unnerve them even more if I was being polite. I know that for a fact, because they freaked out a little earlier when I tried. It probably also turns him on a little, since it seems that humiliation is one of his fetishes. But you didn’t hear that from me, of course.”

“Who else would openly talk about a prince’s fetishes?” Gloomy asked.

“Twilight told me all about what the griffin crown prince is into,” I said. “So there are more people like me out there than you’d think.”

“That’s just one, though,” the maid said. “I figured there had to be at least one other out there, so that’s really not more than I’d think…”

“Cadance also openly talks about her husband’s fetishes, so that’s two. That’s one hundred percent more than you were expecting. Happy now?”

“Does it count if it’s a princess?” Gloomy asked.

“Moonbeam also seems perfectly willing to talk about it.”

“She’s also royalty, though…”

“You asked who else would talk about it, you didn’t specify that it couldn’t be royalty. The point is, I’m not as unusual as you think. You just need more interesting friends. Or more friends that sleep with royalty, maybe.”

“I guess I’ll get to hear all kinds of fun things while working here,” the maid said with a huge grin.

Saying it like that makes you sound like a spy. I think the other one said something similar earlier, actually. Doppel did vet them, didn’t she? “I happen to be friends with a few powerful people,” I said. “That makes me privy to various aspects of their lives. I’m not always shy about sharing said information. After all, a complete lack of privacy is normal in this world. That’s why my mind has been invaded, my own eyes have been used to spy on me, my dreams have been assaulted, my diaries have been violated, and there are at least four groups of people watching the house.”

“If you’ve been through all that, I’m surprised the walls never closed in on you, too,” the maid said. “That’s what our last lord kept ranting about before he mysteriously disappeared. I think the walls he kept talking about finally squished him flat, leaving nothing left. But it all started when he noticed some of his private letters had been opened before he got them.”

“Oh, no, he was probably grabbed by a night squad like us,” Gloomy said. “I’m surprised his letters were returned opened, though. That’s sloppy.”

“They were all sealed up properly, but it was a special kind of ink that reacted to light,” the maid said. “Since it was close to fading already, he knew someone had opened it before him.”

“Yeah, not much you can do about that,” Gloomy said with a shrug. “Still, I doubt he was squished. He’s almost definitely been reassigned to a changeling hive.”

“Oh! The changelings are our friends now, right? I guess Celestia needed him as a diplomat? Still, it’s weird that he didn’t leave us any notes, or bring any of his staff with him. And his whole family line vanished right along with him! Do you think they all got reassigned?”

“Probably, yeah,” I said. “I’m sure it was very sudden. Something important must have come up. I bet they all have big smiles on their faces right now, so don’t worry about them.”

“I have a feeling the reassignment might have had something to do with you, my lady,” Gloomy said with a small smirk.

“Well, I was the one who helped Celestia and Moonbeam come to some kind of agreement and become friends again. So, I guess? Anyway, I don’t want to keep you two from working. I’ll get out of your hair and head back inside.”

“See you soon, Lady Navi!” Gloomy said with another salute.

“Indeed, we’ll finish soon and join you inside,” the maid said with a smile and a bow. I booped Gloomy and finally made my way back inside.

Doppel was waiting for me, somewhat surprisingly. I expected she would have joined me outside, but it didn’t matter. “So, what did the royals have to say?” I asked.

“They’d be interested in joining you, my lady,” Doppel replied. “And from what they said, they all did their best to tell Skyla about her ability. I’m not sure how well she’ll understand, but they would like to see if you would come back upstairs.”

“I will,” I said. “Assuming you’ll protect me from Skyla, that is.”

“I swear I’ll guard you with my life, my lady.”

“I was joking. Don’t even think about sacrificing yourself for me. I can come back, after all.”

“...I swear I’ll guard you with my life, my lady.”

“Don’t pull a Kat on me, Doppel,” I said. “Let’s go, shall we?”

“Of course, my lady…” She followed me back out to the anteroom, where she used her commoner privileges to fly up to the third floor. I sighed and fulfilled my noble responsibility by walking instead. I guarantee these social responsibilities were made up by unicorns who could teleport. This is seriously bullshit.

“Why is life suffering?” I sighed as I finally got to the third floor.

“My lady, is it so much to ask that you not give everyone the chance to stare straight up your skirt? Is walking up some stairs really that bad?”

“Why would I care if anyone looks up my skirt?”

“Because you’re a countess!”

“Most ponies don’t even wear clothes. Why should I be special?” Before she could answer, I knocked on the door she was standing in front of.

I expected Shiny to ease it open again to peek at who it was, but instead, Eva slammed it wide open with a grin. “She won’t freak out this time, mommy!”

“That’s probably not the nicest thing to say in front of the person in question, but good. Perhaps I’ll finally get to meet my goddaughter.” Being cautious might make the filly even more scared, so I just walked in with a small smile. Skyla was currently being cuddled by her mother on the bed, but she still jumped when she saw me. “Hello, Princess,” I said, looking straight at her. “I’m Navarone.”

“...Did you k-know that… There’s a snake around you?” the filly whispered, her eyes still wide.

“No, I never noticed. I’m fairly confident the snake isn’t actually real. Does it seem to notice you?”

“It… its fangs are sunk in your neck, so… I don’t t-think so?”

“See there? If it’s totally focused on me, you have no need to fear it. By chance, do you happen to see another person who looks somewhat similar to me?”

“No, just… you and the s-snake…”

“So it’s definitely not just the collar connecting me to Ava, then. I wonder what you’re seeing, if not ghosts? Anyway, I know you’re quite good at magic. If you really want to find out if the snake is real or not, why don't you try pulling it off of me?”

“But then it might attack me!” Wow, I didn’t expect Cadance’s filly to be a little bitch.

“Then we’ll protect you, of course,” Shiny said, finally stepping up like a real dad. Eva also flew over and joined them on the bed, probably trying to provide emotional support or whatever.

“None of you can even see it, though!” That’s actually a very valid point.

“If your magic can affect it, I don’t see why mine couldn’t,” Shiny said. “You may not know it, but shield magic is your father’s specialty. I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.” Thankfully, Cadance couldn’t swoon since she was already on the bed. It didn’t stop her from smiling like crazy, though. Fucking normies.

“Doppel, make sure you’re under that shield.”

“I’d rather be by your side,” she said.

“That’s an order, actually,” I said, picking her up and tossing her to the bed. Before she could object, Shiny covered the four of them up. “We can all speak to the strength of that barrier, Skyla. Shiny used it to protect all of Canterlot from an invasion, you know.”

“R-really?”

“The whole city,” Cadance said, hugging her closer. “Don’t worry about a thing, honey. There’s definitely no way that snake can get you now. Why don’t you see if you can help Nav by getting rid of it?”

“...Alright, I’ll try.” A few seconds later, her horn lit up and… nothing happened. “It… it’s not working. But it l-looks so scary!”

I reached into a hidden pocket and pulled out a throwing knife. “Try with this.”

“I don’t wanna h-hurt you!” Seriously? Didn’t you just try throwing a chair at me?

“Isn’t there a safer way of checking?” Eva asked.

“Well, which side of my neck is it on?” I asked, lifting the blade up. “I’ll see if I can poke it.”

“Let’s put a stop to that,” Cadance said, using magic to disarm me and float the knife to the table. “It’s not like unenchanted steel is going to hurt something that magic couldn’t touch. Besides, you’ve been through all kinds of things since Skyla was born. If the snake could have been hurt by normal means, it probably would have been dead by now.” Sad, but true.

“I think we can say it’s not real,” Shiny said, lowering the shield. Doppel instantly flittered over and began checking me over for any signs of damage. “There’s nothing to be afraid of aside from Nav, honey. And she’s mostly harmless these days, so you’ll be fine.”

“To my knowledge, I’ve never hurt a child,” I said. “I’ve even saved a few of them before. You have nothing to fear from me, Skyla.”

“That’s right!” Eva said, patting Skyla’s side. “Navi’s a hero! She even adopted me!”

“...Can I try t-touching the snake?” the filly whispered.

“I don’t have any problem with that,” I replied with a shrug. “Parents, any objections?”

“I’ll try first,” Shiny said. “Just tell me where to poke.”

“Overruled,” Doppel said, latching onto me from behind. “Point it out, Skyla. I’ll try tickling it.”

“You’ll do what n—” I didn’t get to finish before Skyla pointed and Doppel started tickling me. She was holding onto me with an uncanny vice grip and nothing I did dislodged her or made her stop. Tickling me in front of Shiny and Cadance definitely meant some punishment was in order, but at least it made Skyla and Eva start laughing. Their giggles were much more adorable than mine, too. Unfortunately, it also made Skyla’s parents laugh, which meant even more punishment for Doppel later.

When she was done using me like a cheap whore, she finally released me and quickly got out of reach. She did flinch a little when she saw my glare, but it didn’t stop her from smiling. “We’re going to have words about this later, Doppel,” I coldly said.

“I’d say it was a long time coming, myself,” Shiny said. “Normally this is the part where you’d do something violent to try and take the sting off, but you’ll behave in front of a filly, right?”

“The coma taught me that revenge must be carefully constructed. Three people in this room are forgiven. As for the rest of you… Well, I have a long memory. Anywho, did Doppel touch the snake or did her naughty hooves go straight through?”

“It’s like it wasn’t even there!” Skyla said. “I wanna try!”

“I’ll let you try touching it, but if you attempt to tickle me, I’ll tickle harder.”

“You wouldn’t abuse a filly like that, Navi!” Cadance said, finally releasing her spawn.

“Tickles are only abuse when they’re done to me. They’re adorable on everyone else, especially fillies.”

“That logic seems… flawed,” Eva said, tilting her head.

“Don’t put much thought into it.” I finally walked up to the bed and held out a hand. “See for yourself if I’m dangerous or not, Skyla.” If nothing else, please stop throwing things at me.

After a few seconds of deliberation, she finally reared up on her hind legs and grabbed my hand. “It… it isn’t real!” Well, it probably is, but it’s likely only a threat to me. “But… why can I see it, then?”

“It’s a special skill of some kind,” I replied, using my other hand to finally boop the filly. “You have some very powerful eyes, Skyla. The snake around me surely means something, even if we don’t know what. I know some people we can ask, though. Celestia’s the first one that comes to mind. Athena is the second. Either of them might be able to tell us about your talent.”

“Athena it is,” Shiny said with a nod.

“Agreed,” Cadance added with a nod of her own.

“Alright, let’s go talk to her,” I said. “We’re leaving Skyla here, though. If Athena needs to examine her, we can bring her back later.”

“Why not just bring her?” Shiny asked.

“I’ll tell you on the way. Doppel, Eva, can you keep an eye on the best filly in this room?”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Doppel replied with a perfect bow.

“It’ll give us a chance to look around the house!” Eva said with a nod.

“And I’ll be taking all but one of the cookies as payment for Athena,” I said, grabbing the plate. I held the one remaining cookie up for Skyla. “You should take a few minutes to explore the house, Skyla. It’s a pretty neat place.”

“The front of it was really cool!” she said, using magic to stuff the cookie in her mouth. “Is it true you can see all the storms coming in?” Shouldn’t a princess have better manners at this point? I know you’re young, but geez.

“Yes. The cliff is a great place to watch, too. Especially when the storm starts getting close and the wind gets heavy. There will probably be a few soon, to help get spring started. You’ll get to see it all then.”

“I can’t wait!”

“Patience is a virtue. We should be back soon. Until then, you should find the best place to watch for storms.”

“Just don’t try flying near the edge,” Cadance said. “You’re still unsteady on your wings.”

“I’ll keep an eye on her,” Doppel said.

“The book portal is upstairs,” I said, heading to the door. “Come along.” Shiny and Cadance quickly followed. Apparently they also knew their place, because neither tried flying or teleporting up the stairs.

“So, why aren’t we bringing Skyla?” Shiny asked.

“Two reasons. First, because of Hera. Second, because only three people are allowed in at a time.”

“I think Twilight mentioned something about Hera, actually,” Cadance said. “It was something… creepy, if I remember right? It isn’t coming to me, though…”

“Maybe it was the time she skinned one of the Seven alive?” I said.

“Oh yeah, that was it! Wow, how could I forget something like that? Maybe I need to sleep more…”

“Good call on not bringing Skyla,” Shiny said, nodding.

“Can you give us some tips on how not to get skinned alive?” Cadance asked.

“Don’t insult Hera. She’ll probably try to pet you, but that’s harmless. She might also ask to keep you as pets, but don’t worry about that. She’s much more interested in owning a young and adorable foal instead.”

“Yeah, we’re definitely not bringing Skyla,” Cadance said.

“Don’t worry, Athena and I wouldn’t let her. She’ll get squirted with a water bottle if she starts up. Oh, one more thing! Flo, did you ask Celestia for the stuff?”

“She had several questions, but acquiesced in the end,” Flo replied with a sigh. “I suppose keeping the two of them placated is more valuable than ethics.”

“Excellent, that’ll put Hera in a good mood. If possible, could you ask Celestia to drop it off in my room? Definitely not in person, though. That’s extremely not necessary.”

Flo sighed again and said, “I know everything Celestia knows. Didn’t you think about asking me if Celestia knows anything about Skyla’s skill?”

“We need to keep her involved. Besides, I didn’t have the chance. They decided immediately. Anyway, here we are.” I thrust my door open right as a huge glass jug of blood showed up with a loud pop. I’m talking huge as in Kool-Aid Man, so it towered over all of us. Thankfully, it didn’t come through a wall and the top was sealed.

“What the absolute buck,” Shiny whispered as the monstrous container appeared.

“Is… is that blood?!” Cadance hissed.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I replied, walking over to the desk. “So, for reference, Hera is the beautiful one with wings and Athena is the hideous one that looks kinda like an owl.” The book was in the gene-locked chest, so I popped it open and removed it and one other thing.

“I’m actually kinda worried about it,” Shiny said, tapping the jug. “It’s cool, so this can’t be fresh. Nav, what in the world is going on?”

“Hera needs it. I’m telling you, don’t worry about it.” I walked over to the two of them, who were still staring uncertainly at the horrific amalgamation of foal’s blood. “I do need one of you to carve something into the glass for me, though. This right here, if you would.” I held up the sheet with the interdimensional rune on it. With the size of that jug, I wasn’t sure if it would be able to follow us without it.

“Is that a lost rune?” Shiny asked, narrowing his eyes at it. “Like the ones on your golems, right?”

“Yes. It’ll allow us to take the foal’s blood with us.”

“It’s foal’s blood?!” Shiny shouted.

“Stop being so dramatic,” Cadance said, using magic to pull the rune over. She traced it with her eyes a few times before her horn lit up and the rune flashed into place. “Easy-peasy. So, what’s the foal’s blood for, anyway?”

“Making Athena less ugly. Trust me, it’s vital.”

“How many foals died for this?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“Zero. Do you really think I’m that evil? Jesus. I’m not like the deer! Celestia just took some from a few donation drives around the country. She sure moved fast, too. Anyway, ready?”

“Yep, let’s do it!” Cadance said, wrapping a hoof around my shoulder. “And seriously, Shiny, it’s Nav. If you overreact to anything she does, we’ll be here forever. So grab on!”

He sighed and wrapped one of his legs around my arm. “Let’s go, I guess.” I opened the book and all of us got nabbed by the sexy tentacles. Cadance squealed in joy and Shiny squeaked in terror.

Moments later, we were in Athena’s infernal realm. Thankfully, the huge jug was behind us. An instant later, two more jugs pressed into mine as Hera appeared directly in front of me and immediately went for a hug. Since her body pressing against me felt good in several different ways, I hugged her back. “It’s good to see you again, Hera,” I said, patting her back. “I brought you a few gifts.”

“Is that the virgin blood?” she asked, finally pulling away from me so she could step closer to the jar. “Is my suffering finally over, Nav?!”

“That’s the blood,” I said. “And here are some cookies.”

“You’re the best worshipper I’ve ever had!” Hera said, moving in for another hug. This time, she gently pressed her forehead against mine. I could clearly see her glowing eyes through the veil and her grin was as devilish as they come. “You truly are my favorite, Navi…” Her breath was sweet and warm, almost to the point of being intoxicating.

“I’m happy to hear that,” I whispered back with a smile of my own. With that, I did my best to sneak a cookie under her veil, which made her giggle in glee and pull away so she could eat it without getting crumbs all over me. It was the perfect timing, because her breath was starting to overwhelm me.

“Welcome back,” Athena said from right next to Hera. Cadance and Shiny both jumped at her sudden appearance. I was dead enough inside not to react, even as she reached out one of her withered branch-like arms to seize a cookie. “That’s quite a lot of expensive reagent you’ve brought us. Don’t tell me Hera has something foolish in mind for it.”

“It’s a gift for you, silly!” Hera replied. “I can get started immediately! It should take around five to ten minutes at most.”

“Let’s first hear what our guests have to say.”

“They’ve already brought offerings,” Hera said, waving a hand. “We can listen to their prayers after we put them to use!”

“The best worshipper ever deserves the best goddess ever, Hera,” Athena said. “Navarone, have you and your guests come for more knowledge?”

“We have,” I replied with a nod. “Their filly has a special skill that allows her to see colorful auras of various shapes. She actually saw some kind of snake wrapped around me with its fangs sunk in my throat.”

“Oh, that’s part of Discord’s curse,” Athena said. “You haven’t read the book I lent you yet?”

“I figured it was,” I said. “But do you know anything about that ability? Anything that lets a mortal perceive what Discord does is worrisome.”

“Fae possess many types of magic vision,” Athena said. “If I had to guess, I’d say that her vision shows the soul. It would make the most sense, given that she sees nothing but the snake around you, but colors and shapes for everyone else. Curses of the soul are extremely rare, after all, with not many beings capable of manifesting them. Mostly just the old gods like us and Discord. If you bring her here, I could examine her more in-depth. Even among the eyes that see souls, there are many variations. Colors and shapes probably makes her a diviner of some kind. If she hones that ability, she could use it to detect the possible fates of those she sees.”

“Wait, Skyla could become a seer?” I asked. “That’s game-changing, right there!”

“Our filly can… see fate?” Cadance asked. “Is that really possible?”

“It is,” Hera said with a nod. “However, fate isn’t a certainty. Certain actions are fated to happen and various people have the potential to interact with those fateful actions. How those people interact together determines the outcome. For example, soulmates failing to become one because one chickened out, or a battle between two famous figures where only one can survive. Being able to see someone’s possible fates doesn’t mean their destiny is set in stone.”

“But it does give you insight into the future,” Athena said. “Something which is eternally invaluable. If you bring her here, she’ll see all kinds of things around Hera and I. What she sees will determine what kind of eyes she has.”

“Do you have a book that has more information about the various types of divining eyes?” I asked.

“Several, but only two that are useful for your purposes.” She held up both of her hands and the books appeared. “Knowledge for offerings, as it was in the past.”

“Offerings for knowledge, as befitting a worshipper to a goddess,” I said, taking the books. The plate of cookies vanished when I had the new knowledge. “But while we’re on the topic, what really differentiates a god like you from a human?”

“In our case, drinking from an ocean of pure magic,” Hera said. “We stood far above all others and ruled as we pleased.”

“We are still sort of human,” Athena said. “The definition of god varies, but it is essentially a being with immense power, knowledge, and lifespan. We tick all three boxes. Godhood also requires the ability to attract worshippers and the power of belief, which empowers us even further. Celestia is the textbook definition of a living man-god. Or pony-god, in this case. Hera and I would be classified as fallen gods, since our ability to interact with the world is so limited. In time, if you gain a soul, you’ll probably end up deified as a plant goddess. Your pony friend there could end up as the goddess of love, with time. If her daughter is the same model and she practices her skills, she could become the goddess of fate.”

“What about me?” Shiny asked.

“You’re an inferior model, so don’t worry about it,” Hera replied. “The one next to you is more powerful in every way, to the point where she has the potential for godhood.” I wasn’t expecting Shiny to seem so crushed, but it apparently upset him even more when Hera said it.

“Yeah, Cadance is the one I mentioned before who I figured might have the aptitude,” I said. “But seeing Celestia’s behavior as a goddess left a bad taste in her mouth.”

“The goddess of love does not rule the same as the goddess of the sun,” Athena said. “Besides, those who isolate themselves tend to become dark and evil, even if they claim the title of sun god. Meanwhile, those who take on love often become possessive and caring. In time, you would essentially become a paragon of love.”

“Wait, even godhoods follow trends?” I asked. “Is that similar to the effect that ghosts have on society as a whole?”

“Yes, exactly,” Athena replied, nodding. “Once enough worshippers have amassed for a given god, the traits of the dead gods who came before will start imprinting on the new one. I’m sure you remember what the Aztec sun god demanded. Knowing that, do you find yourself surprised by Celestia?”

“...No. Nor am I surprised by Cadance anymore. Her behavior fits the legends of Cupid to a T. Wait, do you think Celestia was purposefully creating gods? Flo, did Celestia know that belief gives power?”

“Of course she did and of course she was,” Flo replied. “She didn’t have that word for it, but she knew that deifying Cadance would bring her many benefits.”

“Apparently she was,” I said.

“The job is already mostly complete, indeed,” Hera said, leaning in for a closer look at Cadance. “These models of fae are pretty powerful. It’s a shame they restrict themselves to using magic through their horns. Still, they’d make wonderful pets. No wonder they’re all serving you, Navi. With a few more believers, this one will probably pass the threshold. What do you think, Athena?”

“Well, there aren’t any humans out there anymore. She’ll need more than a few fae to make up for it, but it’s probably only a hundred or two thousand more and she’ll be hitting the bare minimum. Give her another few hundred years and she’ll hit her growth spurt.”

“Oh, we should give her that book!” Hera said, looking around the room. “You know the one, right? We had to redo the binding because of all the blood.”

“Yes, I definitely remember,” Athena said, rolling her eyes. “I told you to wait until I could bring a towel, but you just had to hear his screams immediately.”

“Stop complaining. You forgot it even existed until it got damaged. And I fixed it anyway, so I don’t see the big deal.” Hera finally lifted a hand and a red book shot over from one of the walls. “Ugh, it still smells like him, too. Where did you even get this book, anyway?”

“Ah, Godhood and You: A Primer,” Athena said, taking it and flipping it open. “It is from after the extinction of humanity, so it was one of the lesser races. Still, enough time has passed that plenty of half-baked gods have come and gone, along with a few good ones here and there. This was written by a civilization that figured out how to quantify belief, which made experimenting with godhood much easier. But it was written by a superior model who surrounded himself with inferior models, like this one here, so it should do the trick.”

I reached out for it, but Hera slapped my hand. “This book is for things with souls only, I’m afraid,” she said. “Try again when you free yourself, Navi.”

“Then it’s all yours, Cadance,” I said.

“Most of that conversation went over my head, actually,” Cadance said. “But I think I kinda feel a little insulted maybe, for some reason? Nav, what makes you think I want to become something like Celestia?”

“Athena, if Celestia had enough people believing in her as the goddess of the sun, could she stand a chance against Discord?”

“With enough pieces on the chessboard, yes,” Athena said. “Which… hoh, what a goal! Do you think that’s what he’s aiming for, Nav? From what he said to Celestia and Luna before he was banished, it’s like he was goading them to seek power. Maybe he wants more gods out there!”

“Isn’t that basically the only way to stop him, though?” Hera asked. “Sure, quality trumps quantity when it comes to gods, but given time, a group of new gods could overthrow him.”

“If that is the case, that means Navarone is currently a wild card,” Athena said with a grin, looking me up and down. “You can’t go in play until either Discord claims you or you gain a soul, but as soon as you do, you’ll almost definitely become a major player for whichever side wins you. Maybe that’s his plan for this cycle’s Eris?”

“I don’t think I could ever imagine Nav as a god,” Shiny muttered.

“Silence, mortal,” I replied, idly waving a hand. He huffed, but knew his place and otherwise stayed quiet. “So, I don’t really like the thought of being a card in a deck, but I guess that’s basically been my fate the whole time here. At this point, my value has just risen a lot higher. Is there any way I can contact Death to expedite this whole soul thing? I’d rather be on my own side.”

“Cards rarely get their own deck,” Athena said. “Obtaining a soul won’t be cheap, Nav. It’s entirely possible the cost will be subservience.”

“I’m not too concerned with the price, if I’m honest. A being I can negotiate with is infinitely better than one I can’t. If they try to make me a servant, I can offer them something more useful. My current owner doesn’t want a servant, he just wants me. Specifically, he wants me to suffer. Breaking that status quo is worth almost any price. If Cadance becomes the goddess of love, could she do something to help?”

“She would have the power, but not the knowledge,” Athena replied. “Even I know very little about imbuing souls into something. Creating one from scratch is right out of the question.”

“On the flipside, that would mean obtaining the knowledge is all you’d need,” Hera added.

“Take the book, Cadance,” I said.

“Couldn’t Celestia just do it?” she asked.

“Yo momma ain’t raise no bitch,” I replied. “I’d rather have someone I trust give me a soul. Besides, becoming a god would give you even more control over Shiny.”

“Oh, good point.” She floated the book over without another word and started poking through it immediately.

“Taya can teach you the translation spell, in case you don’t know it,” I said. “Athena, I should point out that their filly is cute, small, and utterly adorable. Is it safe for her here?”

“As long as they come with you, yes,” Athena replied. “Why? Have you ever felt… unsafe here, Nav?”

“Yeah, when I fought my way through the hellish maze. Shiny and Cadance could make it easy-peasy, but their filly would have some trouble. She was also really scared when she saw the snake around me. Is there anything she’d see around either of you that might scare her?”

“Probably,” Hera replied with a shrug. “But I’ll cuddle and pet her to make up for it!”

“If you want, you can cuddle and pet Shiny while we go get Skyla,” I said. “It should only take a few minutes.”

“Wait, wha—”

“I’d rather play with the superior model, honestly,” Hera said, looking at Shiny dubiously. “This one’s not cute at all, really. I guess he’s a little gallant, but too small to really ride on. The goddess candidate is much cuter and her wings look quite soft!”

“I’m afraid she’s a married mare,” I said. “We’ll be back eventually with Skyla.”

“Give us about twenty minutes,” Hera said. “Athena will look completely different when you get back!”

“That’ll be interesting,” I said, looking at the hideous monstrosity in question.

“Is my opinion going to be requested before this is done?” Athena asked. “Because I can think of many uses for virgin blood.”

“Hera requested blood, so I delivered blood,” I replied with a shrug. “You should let her spoil you a little, you know? I mean, she actually wants to do something nice for you. Would you turn her down?”

“It’s suspicious. This is Hera we’re talking about, after all.”

“I’m not suspicious!” Hera shouted, stomping a foot on the floor. “Why wouldn’t a generous soul such as myself want to help a dear friend?”

“Well, I’ll let you two decide what to do with it. We’ll come back tomorrow morning. That’ll give us a chance to look over the books.”

“Could you bring steaks next time?” Hera asked. “Ooh, or maybe bacon?”

“Cooked or raw?”

“Raw. We’ll cook them with magic. I wouldn’t mind shoving my meat down your throat, Navi!”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I replied with a nod. “Now, we’ll get out of your hair for a bit.” I quickly rounded up the royalty and used the book on the pedestal to escape. The tentacles quickly threw us back into reality. “Man, those two are always a trip.”

“Did you just try to leave me there?” Shiny demanded.

“I said I have a long memory, but that doesn’t mean I want to carry a grudge around for a while. Getting even sooner is better than later. Anyway, once Taya gets back, she can help us translate these things.”

“I know the spell already,” Cadance said. “And Shiny, stop looking so indignant. It’s not like she actually left you behind.”

“And why did Hera call me inferior? Did you put that in her head, Nav?!”

“I mean, when you think about how ponies were originally created, it’s obvious that you’re objectively inferior. You are quite literally one third as powerful as an alicorn. Or maybe a ninth? I’m not sure how the math works out.”

“Wait, how were ponies originally created?” Cadance asked.

“A certain evil demon used chaos magic to split the alicorns into three. They became the master race unicorns, the warrior race pegasi, and the weak and powerless earth ponies. That makes a unicorn about a third to a ninth as effective as an alicorn. The demon also turned some of the alicorns into changelings.”

“Did he turn them into anything else?” Cadance asked.

“Yeah. Dead bodies. Can you cast the translation spell on me? The elementals can process these two books for me, then I’ll let you keep them. You’ll need to learn more about Skyla’s power.”

“What do you mean by allowing the elementals to process them?” Cadance asked.

“And are we really going to just brush over the fact that you tried to leave me behind?” Shiny asked.

“The elementals can read a book for me and put it all in my head,” I replied. “They can also create copies of that book in any language they know, so I’ll send copies to my publishers. That book about godhood is for you alone, though. Keep it secret and keep it safe.”

“Becoming a god, huh,” she whispered, looking down at the book head in her magical grasp. “Isn’t that doing exactly what Oldlestia wanted, though?”

“Sure, but you’d be doing it for your reasons, not hers.”

“I think it’s your reasons, not mine. What do you think, Shiny?”

“I think I’m wondering why you aren’t more concerned about how Nav tried leaving me with Hera!”

“Well I mean, she didn’t, so what’s the big deal? Isn’t the whole godhood thing more important right now, honey?”

“Yeah Shiny, don’t be so narrow-minded,” I added with a big smile. “I mean, I’m sure I can work with Cadance on improving your dreams if you really want…”

“So, godhood, huh?” Shiny said, quickly shifting gears. “I mean, if you think about it realistically… isn’t more power better than less power?”

“Spoken like a true soldier,” I said with a nod. “And you’re not wrong, either. I’m not sure what kinds of powers you’d have as the goddess of love, but as the goddess of the sun, Celestia can use magic to put an end to regional droughts over the course of about half a year or so. As the goddess of the moon, Luna was strong enough to bring down a meteor. You can help a lot of people with power like that.”

“And hurt plenty more,” Shiny said. “I know you wouldn’t intend to do something like that, but… What were you saying about godhoods following themes, Nav?”

“There are aimless spirits stuck in place all over this world,” I said. “Those spirits influence the people who settle nearby. That’s why all the city names in this world are puns of names in my time. The same kind of thoughtform affects godhood itself, meaning those who take on the mantle of a god of a concept tend to take on traits of others who held the mantle before them. Generally speaking, the gods of love have been loving and playful, so I don’t think there’s much to worry about there.”

“It certainly sounds… interesting,” Cadance said, still looking the book over. “I guess I’ll give it a read and think about it after I know more. Now, about Skyla…” Her horn lit up and a light hit all three of us. “Go ahead and let the elementals read those books for you, Nav. Then the two of us will look over one each.”

“That works for me,” I said, walking back over to my desk and taking a seat. “Darya, would you kindly?”

“Yes, my lady.” She absorbed both books for me and injected their contents straight into my brain.

“This truly is one of the more broken skills out there,” I said with a smile. “We could probably absorb all the knowledge in Athena’s library in just a few days. Ah, anyway, those really are a pretty special set of eyes. The short version is that if she learns to focus her skills, she can see things in the auras around people. Those things will be related to what fate has in store for their soul. Since I’m an abomination created by an evil spirit, I’m something outside of fate. That’s what the snake represents.”

“...Outside of fate, huh?” Shiny said, looking me up and down. “No wonder things have changed so much since you got here. You’ve bucked up all of our fates, haven’t you?”

“Probs. If Cadance becomes a goddess, it’ll put more power back into her hooves. And if Skyla learns to control her eyes, that’ll give you even more options. All in all, I’d say that was quite the constructive visit.”

“Agreed,” Cadance said. “We’ll start reading those two now. Do you still want to visit your land today?”

“Yes. I was waiting for Taya to get back. It should be in just a few more minutes. If you two want to stay to read, I can bring Skyla with us. Now that she isn’t scared of me, we have a few more options.”

“That’s right next to the Everfree,” Shiny said. “I’m definitely going.”

“She’ll be safe with Nav, but that’s fine,” Cadance said. “I’ll stay back to read. Besides, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I don’t know much about features of land. I doubt I’d be useful.”

“That wasn’t in your princess training?” I asked. “Well, whatever. I’ll mostly be relying on experts, myself. But getting a better look at the land I’ll be ruling seems like a good idea.”

“It’s not the worst weather for a picnic, either,” Cadance said, looking out the huge window. “Maybe I’ll join you and bring the books with me. Ooh, if we’re doing that, I should go prepare something!”

“Kitchen’s on the bottom floor,” I said. “Feel free to use whatever you’d like.”

“Are you just going to let a princess use your kitchen?” Shiny asked.

“Why would I stop a princess from doing as she pleased?” I shot back. “Especially when her cooking is so good. You’re awfully disagreeable today, Shiny. Do you need a boop?”

“No. I’m just not particularly fond of being called inferior! And getting left behind as the plaything of an evil goddess is even worse!”

“I’m sorry that the truth hurts, Shiny. And I knew Hera would say no. That’s the only reason I offered. Even your wife knew I was just messing with you, dude. Are you sure a boop won’t help you calm down?”

“I don’t think it could hurt,” Cadance said. “Go for it, Nav.”

“Just remember, you brought this on yourself,” I said, standing back up from the desk.

“Keep your hands away from me,” Shiny said. He even narrowed his eyes at me! Of course, that wasn’t nearly enough to stop me. I moved forward unabated until I finally stood before the stallion himself. The smirk on my face was probably insufferable and I’m sure he wanted to fight back, but his wife was firmly holding him in place with magic. The boop I placed upon his nose was more satisfying than usual.

“So, feel better now?” I sweetly asked.

“No! I feel… violated…”

“Relax, it was just a boop. It’s not like I penetrated any of your holes. Anyway, I did what I could. I’ll show you to the kitchen, Cadance. Then I’ll go check on your filly.”

“Sounds good,” Cadance replied with a nod. “Shall we?”

“Let’s.” For some reason, Shining Armor seemed fairly disappointed and just plodded along behind us silently. Cadance more than made up for it and was quite excited to be working in a new kitchen.

Shiny and I abandoned her there and went out back, where Skyla and Eva were examining the new flowers while Doppel watched over them. They seemed to be having fun, so it was almost a waste to interrupt them. Still, since they hadn’t noticed us yet, it seemed like a good time to see if Skyla would be scared if she just suddenly saw me.

With that thought in mind, I swooped in behind an unsuspecting Eva and snatched her up in a hug, making both of them squeak. Eva only flailed around for a second or two before giving up and accepting her fate as my new cuddlebug. “We’re back,” I finally said.

“How was the trip?” Eva asked. “Did you learn anything fun?”

“Yes. Skyla’s eyes can sort of see into the future. We’ll need to bring her back to Athena tomorrow morning for a more thorough checkup, but it’s definitely a special skill.”

“Cool! You should adopt her too, mommy!”

“But she already has a family,” I said.

“So did I, but that didn’t stop you from stealing me away!”

“Nav, you kidnapped a changeling?!” Shiny demanded.

“Your family abandoned you before I found you,” I said. “I can’t adopt Skyla away from a loving household.”

“But this place is so cool…” Skyla whispered, looking around in interest.

“Cooler than the palace made of crystal that you currently live in?” I asked.

“It’s not just the house, though,” Skyla said. “The rest of the city is really pretty, too!”

This pastel hellhole? Really? “I think you’ll make your father even more depressed if you keep saying you want to leave him for me.”

“You could adopt him, too!” Eva said.

“Does that mean I could call you mommy?” Shiny asked.

“You’re not cute enough to adopt,” I said, booping him yet again. “I’d adopt your wife, though.”

“Is that why you don’t have any colts?” Shiny asked.

“I can’t match outfits with them or talk about boys. What’s even the point?”

“Huh. You really are taking being a lady seriously, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am. I’m becoming a countess now, after all. That’s like, twice the lady or something.”

“Three times the lady, actually,” Shiny said. “I’m looking forward to the pageant, to see if you really live up to it.” That makes one of us.

“Me too!” Eva said, squirming around in my grasp. “You’re gonna be so pretty, mommy!” I guess that’s two, then.

“I heard you’re the best lady ever!” Skyla said. “That means you’re gonna win with no problem, right? It’s gonna be so fun!” Or three of us. God dammit.

“I’m the best human around, but I don’t think I qualify as the best lady ever. I don’t have much experience with it, after all.”

“Haven’t you always been a lady, though?” Skyla asked. “I thought being a noble was in your blood.”

“I was promoted from commoner to noble less than a year ago, I believe. And I was originally born a man, so being a woman is foreign to me.”

“But you’re so pretty! I think you make a much better lady than a colt…”

“Agreed,” Shiny added with a nasty smirk.

“You really are the cutest,” Eva said with a sigh. “I like you this way, mommy! Your hugs are so much squishier and you’re even more gentle now!”

“Hm, sounds like everyone wants you to stay this way,” Shiny said. “Guess you’re a better filly than you are a colt, huh? I know you definitely look better now. Good thing you’re used to it, right?”

“You know, I just thought of a way to make your dream dates with your wife even better. Doppel’s been working on quite a fun thing recently, something with all kinds of squirming tentacles. I think you’ll love it.”

“You know, you’ve been smiling a lot more recently, too,” Shiny said. “Maybe you’re secretly happy this happened? You certainly didn’t waste any time jumping into the cutest of skirts and dresses… I bet hiding your smile when the stones broke was one of the hardest things you’ve done, huh?”

“Bullying is wrong,” Eva said, shaking a hoof at him. “You’re a prince, Shiny! You should be above that! Especially against my poor, defenseless mommy!”

“Yeah Shiny, geez,” I said. “Don’t make me sic my filly on you.”

“You can’t go around bullying pretty ladies, daddy! You’re supposed to protect them! But… what did he say that was bullying?”

“Hopefully a good filly like yourself will never understand,” I said, patting her head. “Sometimes your dad is just mean to me for literally no reason.”

“What?!”

“I never did anything to deserve any of it, but he just likes seeing me suffer.”

“Daddy, that’s bad!”

“It’s a lie!” Shiny hissed, glaring at me. “After everything you’ve—”

“Oh, woe is me,” I said, drying a fake tear with one of Eva’s hooves. “Abused and bullied by this awful power-hungry prince…” The glare his filly sent him did wonders for my aching heart. “At least I have someone cute to cuddle with. That helps make up for it.”

“I’d be happy to help make up for my dad’s bullying!” Skyla said. “Let me know if I need to tell mommy. She’ll punish him for sure!”

“I’ll keep that in mind. But for now, hugging someone cute and squishy will help. Want to trade places with Eva? I know the snake might be scary, but my hands are supposedly pretty nice.”

“Nav, are you making me out to be the bad guy just so you can hug my filly?”

“No, you made yourself into the bad guy by bullying me,” I replied, setting Eva down and holding my arms open. “I just saw my opportunity and took it.” The perfect filly somewhat cautiously entered my arms. I hugged her close and lifted her up. The wait was definitely worth it, as the filly was the perfect mix of adorable and soft, just what I’d expect from Cadance’s filly. “Hm, soft, fluffy, and she smells good! Maybe I should adopt her…”

“Your hands are so soft and smooth,” Skyla whispered, gently squirming around a little. “And so w-warm!”

“I’m not letting you steal my filly!” Shiny said, slapping a hoof on the ground.

“Then I’ll just borrow her for a little while,” I said, lifting her up and giving her a human-back ride.

“Your hair smells so good…” Skyla whispered from atop her new perch.

“Are you actually going to take being a godmother seriously?” Shiny asked.

“Cadance can be the strict mom. I’ll be the cool mom.” And the one to teach her all the bad habits!

“I don’t like that look on your face.”

“Shiny, don’t be racist in front of your filly!”

“Is daddy being bad again?” Skyla asked, gasping in horror. “Daddy! Why are you so mean to Lady Navi?!”

“And I try my hardest to be such a good friend, too,” I said, shaking my head in pure disappointment. “Maybe we should go play in the clouds so he can’t bully me.”

“I’ve never played in clouds before!”

“That’s not very cash money at all, is it?” I asked, looking down at Shiny. “What’s Cadance even doing?”

“There aren’t any clouds in our kingdom,” Shiny said. “And what if she falls, Nav?”

“Do you really think between me, Doppel, and Eva, that we’d let her fall? Eva even has magic, so we’re definitely fine.”

He thought for a few seconds before nodding. A moment later, his horn lit up and hit all of us. “That’s a spell called Slowfall. It makes you fall slowly.”

“That works. Smell you later, nerd.” My wings shot out and I jumped into the sky, ferrying the filly with me. Eva and Doppel followed right behind us. There weren’t a ton of clouds out, but there were at least enough to hide in. That meant we could play a wonderful game I decided to call Pass the Filly.

The goal of the game was simple: Toss Skyla to each other in the sky. She was very light, aerodynamic, could mostly fly, and fell so slowly it meant she was basically just gliding. Doppel didn’t like it at first, but relented when she realized how much Skyla loved it.

Doppel did make us all promise not to tell Skyla’s parents, though. It was probably for the best.

After some quality and very non-scary bonding time, Flo informed me that Taya had returned. My arms were starting to get tired anyway, so we decided to call it for the day and head down.

When we got to the ground, Taya and the griffin maid were looking around the back garden. Shiny and Cadance were together in the secluded gazebo, hopefully not doing anything lewd. In case they were doing something untoward, we landed behind my filly and the maid.

“Welcome home, Taya,” I said as Eva threw herself around her. “How were your classes?”

“They were… fun.” She paused as soon as she saw me and her eyes went wide. “Um… Mommy, did you know you had something on your back?”

“It’s a someone actually,” I said. “I guess she’s your godsister, if that’s a thing. This is Skyla.”

“I thought she hated you?”

“We fixed it. Basically, she can see into the future. Long story.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“I-it’s nice to meet you,” the filly on my shoulders squeaked. “I’m Princess Skyla!”

“It’s not quite the first time we met. The last time I saw you, you were still throwing things at mommy. I’m her daughter, Taya. You actually used to live with us.”

“Wait, really?” Skyla asked. “I didn’t know that! When?”

“When you were just a baby,” I said. “It was shortly after you were born. You stayed almost a year, if I remember right.”

“Wow! I don’t remember this place at all, though…”

“It wasn’t here. It was a house on the land we’re about to visit.”

“Huh… Why did we move out?”

“Because the reason you moved in disappeared. Basically, your mother was afraid of something and came to me for protection. She brought you along just in case.”

“What about daddy?”

“He didn’t join you.”

“He abandoned her when she was afraid?!”

“That’s right,” Taya said with a fun smirk. “She was forced to rely on us for help. Sometimes, she even seemed scared of Shining Armor, too…”

“D-does he bully mommy, too?!” Skyla shouted, possibly doing permanent damage to my ears. “He was being mean to Lady Navi earlier even though she was being super nice!”

“I don’t think any of us know the answer to that question,” I replied.

“So… were you protecting me from my dad?”

“No, from someone else,” I said. “But don’t worry about it. Your mother isn’t scared anymore. Or if she is, she hides it very well.”

“...I gotta find out if daddy is bullying her,” Skyla whispered, glaring at the gazebo.

“So, Taya, you want to go check out the land we’ll be turning into our village?” I asked.

“Yes, but I’d like to get some things first.”

“Go for it. The royals are coming with us, so I’ll go make sure they’re ready.”

“I’ll be back down soon,” Taya replied with a nod. Eva finally released her and backed away, still beaming.

“And you need to get into a proper outfit for the occasion,” Doppel said, looking me up and down. “Eva and Skyla can go let Shiny and Cadance know it’s about time to go.”

“If you insist,” I replied with a sigh. I passed the filly one last time, this time gently draping her across Eva’s back. “Hopefully we’ll be down soon.”

“We will,” Doppel said, gently tugging one of my wings. “So come along, my lady!”

Before I could follow along, Taya’s horn lit up and the three of us teleported upstairs to my room. I wanted to thank her for saving me the trudge up the stairs, but Taya tossed me onto the bed and jumped onto me before I could say anything. She immediately got hoovesy, patting me down and sniffing me in random places.

“Taya, what are you even doing?” I asked after a few awkward seconds.

“That filly was in my spot!” she huffed. “I gotta make sure you didn’t go too far!” Finally, she used magic to grab my hands and smelled them both before licking each one. When she was satisfied, she smiled, nodded, and hugged me. “It’s not too late, you haven’t even rubbed her belly yet…”

“I don’t think I’ll ever go too far with a filly,” I said. “Are you sure you don’t just want to get your scent all over me?”

“Marking my territory is just a side benefit,” she replied. “I’m all done, mommy. You can get dressed.” She slid off the bed with a smile. “There may be a new cute and adorable filly for you to play with, but don’t forget about your favorite!”

“There’s no reason for you to be jealous of someone else’s filly. After all, you’re mine. I’m just borrowing Skyla.”

“You’re right, of course,” Taya said, looking almost guilty for a moment. “But I still gotta check, you know?”

I really don’t know, actually. “If you say so.”

“Ugh, it’s because you’re such a loose woman, mommy. If you were more loyal, I wouldn’t have to worry!”

Wow, slutshamed by my own filly. “I definitely don’t plan on doing anything to Skyla that you need to worry about.”

“You already gave her a humanback ride!”

“Why is that something you need to worry about?”

“Because it’s my spot!”

“They’re my shoulders. I can lend them to whoever. Besides, you can’t deny that Skyla is almost optimally cute.”

“It’s because she’s smaller, isn’t it?! Ugh, I knew I should have become immortal sooner!”

“Taya, stop being silly. We need to get ready to go.”

“Celestia knows shrinking magic, right?” she muttered as she walked to the door. “I’ll have to have a talk with her…”

It was good to see her getting along better with Celestia, but I’m not sure if shrinking herself was the best way of going about it. That was a problem for future me, though, as present me was currently being surprised by Cadance. She just teleported in my room right as Taya closed the door behind her. And she was wearing quite the scary smile, too.

“Nav, what exactly did you tell my filly?” she oh-so-sweetly asked.

“We just played a little in the clouds,” I replied with a shrug.

“Why is she asking if my husband is bullying me?”

“That seems like a question for a family discussion.”

“It only popped up after she spent just a few minutes alone with you!”

I feel almost like I’m being accused of something. It hurts a little, if I’m honest. “Doppel, back me up here.”

“Shiny was being mean to our lady. Eva asked him to stop. Your filly told him to stop bullying Lady Navi. Later, we mentioned that she used to live in the house near the Everfree with us. When she asked why, we told her it was because you were afraid of something and hiding with us for protection. Then she asked if her dad was there and we said no. I’m not sure where the connection about him bullying you came from.”

“...Shiny accused you of trying to turn her against him.”

“That’s hurtful.”

“You don’t sound hurt.”

“Because it’s something I’ve come to expect by now. Anyway, Doppel is going to change me into something more presentable, then I’ll be ready.”

“I wasn’t done talking about this, actually,” Cadance said. Her grin took a few hits and her eyes were starting to look a little more fierce. “I heard you took my filly playing in the clouds.”

“With Shiny’s permission, yes,” I replied.

“What did you do up there?”

“We were helping Skyla practice flying,” Doppel replied. “Since Shiny was so generous as to give her a spell of slowfall, she had an easy time of it. She also definitely seemed to enjoy it.”

I guess you could look at the hit new game Pass the Filly like that, if you tilt your head a certain way. “If you’re this overprotective with us, how are you going to be once she starts getting friends?”

“You’re hardly a normal friend. The coma seems to have changed you, but I worry about what strange ideas you might plant in my filly’s head. Ideas about her father being a… bully.”

“Then he shouldn’t be mean to me.”

“We did tease him a fair amount today, and you called him inferior to his face. Then Hera said the same thing later. Surely it wasn’t anything that bad.”

“Bullying rarely is. That reminds me, though. Doppel, would you be willing to show Cadance the tentacle monster?”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Doppel replied with a wide grin. “Behold, my mostly final form!” Her entire body transformed into a ludicrously lewd-looking tentacle monster. She wasn’t even trying to hide that each tentacle ended in a different kind of cock. The variety was as impressive as it was terrifying.

“W-what… What is this… this absolute masterpiece?!” Cadance shrieked, gripping onto my shirt and shaking me. “Nav, how long have you been keeping this a secret?!”

“You slut.”

“I wear it with pride, just as you taught me. At least, you know, privately. So, spill the beans!”

“This is a tentacle monster,” I replied, pushing her hoof away from me. “It’s something from porn in my world, not a kind of creature that actually exists. But with changelings, all kinds of abominations are possible. I first tested it against Moonbeam. She enjoyed it, but made me promise never to do it to her again. Doppel is trying to learn how to control the form for her own reasons. This is actually the first time I’ve seen her version. It sure seems… intense.”

“There has to be a reason you brought this up while talking about Shiny and bullying.”

“While he was being mean, I came up with a way to improve his dreams. With that in mind, I decided to show you this. It shouldn’t be hard to summon something like it, don’t you think?”

“Now that he knows the dreams are real… and now that we convinced him they’re his own desires… Maybe we should have a dream about getting captured by changelings?”

“I did my part by showing you the tentacle form. What happens next is in no way connected to me. Doppel, you can turn back.” Thankfully, she changed back to her normal cute form. “Thanks for the demonstration. Though if I’m honest, I kinda never want to see that form again. It’s not very appealing.”

“It’s still just a rough draft,” Doppel said with an earnest smile. “I intend to practice with Princess Gilda and King Aspen.”

“I would be very interested in hearing the results of your practice,” Cadance said with a wide grin. “And… I might be able to convince Shiny to let you practice with us, too.”

“Larger sampling sizes are always better,” Doppel said, her smile deepening. “After all, I have to perfect it before I can use it on my primary target.”

“I don’t think Moonbeam will agree to that,” I said.

“Moonbeam is also not my primary target, my lady,” she very happily replied.

“Anyway, I still need to get ready. Are we done talking about how Shiny abuses you?”

“For now,” Cadance replied with a nod. “But since I’m already up here, I’ll help you pick an outfit! What are sisters for, right?”

“...Do what you must. I surrender myself to the hands of fate.”

“If having Cadance around makes you this pliable, I might ask her to help dress you while she’s staying at the house!” Doppel said, her smile taking on a more smug nature.

“It would be improper to take up too much of a princess’s time while she’s on vacation,” I said.

“This princess doesn’t mind at all! In fact, I insist you let me help! Just spending a few minutes locked up together has given me all kinds of fun ideas for Shiny…”

Ah, so this is hell, huh? Is this zen-like feeling hopelessness? Or despair, perhaps? Or maybe it’s just acceptance. Somehow it all feels so nostalgic. “There are only so many hours in the day, so we need to get going,” I said.

“Right, let’s doll you up!” Cadance said, using magic to open all the drawers and closets. She seemed to coordinate quite well with Doppel, at least when it comes to making me suffer. The two of them pulled out skirt after skirt and dress after dress before finally deciding on a long, flowy sundress. I was no longer as confident wearing them as I was when I was mostly flat, if I’m honest. With the curves Hera forced on me, I was always worried something might pop out.

But they wouldn’t have cared even if I did point it out, so I just went with it. And it’s not like I really cared if anyone saw my body anymore, so it was really more of a mild annoyance than anything.

By the time we finally got downstairs, everyone else going with us was waiting in the sun room. With all the delays I went through, it was only a little bit disappointing. Shiny was glaring at me, probably because Skyla was staring at him suspiciously. I’m used to Shiny’s glare and it wasn’t all that harsh anyway, so I easily ignored it. Besides, my attention was currently captured by my two daughters, who were once again in human bodies. Rocksy was chilling at Taya’s feet, but Skyla didn’t seem to pay him any mind.

“So, is everyone ready to go?” I asked with a smile.

“What, no comments at all?” Taya asked.

“You both look very cute,” I said, reaching out my hands to boop them. “But you really don’t need to do this.”

“Nope, we just want to!” Eva replied, taking one of my fingers in her hand.

“Hm… I know that spell as well, actually,” Cadance said. “Maybe we could all go as humans?”

“That would feel really weird, if I’m honest,” I said. “Besides, we’re all ready to go. If you wanted to turn your family into humans, we’d have to spend time finding clothes for us all. As humans, Cadance is taller and slightly thiccer and Shiny would probably be taller and broader, so my clothes wouldn’t work. Going without would leave you open to the ravages of nature, like mosquitos, tics, chiggers, and grass that breaks off into your feet.”

“Wait, is being a human really that bad?” Shiny asked.

I lifted the hand Eva was grasping and poked her arm a few times. “See how soft we are? The rest of our body is the same and completely furless. We have no defense against nature.”

“Wait, why is your body furless?” Eva asked, finally pulling her hand back and pressing it against her crotch. “Taya’s has it growing here and there!”

“It’s a long story that involves fire. Don’t worry about it. Since we’re all here, shall we get this show on the road?” Why am I always the one stuck herding these fae?

“Where exactly are we going?” Taya asked.

“Our manor next to the Everfree. That’s where we’ll start.”

“Give me a moment…” Taya closed her eyes and her horn lit up. A few seconds later, it became uncomfortably bright and everything around us shifted and went very dark.

Chapter Two Hundred and Eleven

Chapter Two Hundred and Eleven

Someone squealed and I felt something fuzzy latch around my legs. I patted its horned head until my eyes adjusted and I realized we were in the spring under the house. Unsurprisingly, the one clinging to me was Skyla. I’m not sure if she picked me on purpose or if she just jumped and latched onto whatever she could.

“Next time, warn us if we’re going somewhere dark,” I said, picking Skyla up and cradling her. “This is part of my other home, Skyla. A place you used to play in with your mother. It’s an underground pool.”

“...Really?” Skyla whispered, finally poking her head up to look around. “It’s dark, but… there’s enough light to see. It really is a pool!”

“Do you remember it?” Cadance asked. “I taught you how to float on your back and swim with your wings down here.”

“Hm… Nope.”

“Well, there’s plenty more to the house. Let’s head upstairs.” I started walking off, but a cleared throat tried to stop me. Since it was just Shiny, I ignored him.

“Our filly can walk on her own, Nav,” he finally said.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied without turning, stopping, or putting the filly down. Sadly, it was ruined when she disappeared from my arms and appeared on top of her father’s back. “You just don’t want me to have anything nice, do you?”

Eva giggled and stepped forward to claim one of my newly freed hands. Taya snatched up my other arm. They were an acceptable substitute, I guess, but a soft and warm filly was still better.

Man, I really do have problems, huh? So much for the coma… And so much for your life expectancy if I catch you reading this.

At least I got some revenge when I heard Skyla’s hooves hit the floor. “I can walk on my own, daddy!” Ah, they grow up so fast. “But I can’t get carried like that anywhere else! What do you have against Lady Navi, daddy?”

“Say, why isn’t she getting mad at you?” Eva whispered. “Haven’t you been bullying Shiny, too?”

“She’s so young she barely understands what’s going on,” I whispered back. “Most of what she understands is tone, facial expressions, and body language. As long as you’re careful about those, you can say basically whatever you want and she’ll just smile and play along.”

“Mommy, that’s kinda messed up,” Taya whispered.

Since it seemed that Shiny and Skyla were having a father-daughter moment, I led the way up the stairs and into the kitchen. “I guess I probably should have checked to make sure Lyra and Bonnie actually moved out before asking you to teleport us here. But I really didn’t expect you to just take us to the cellar.”

“They already moved out,” Taya replied. “A small army of changelings helped them move everything they owned to a house on the outskirts of Ponyville. Lyra told me about it after the fact, when I came to help survey for the college.”

“I’d also like to check out how that project is going. If you two get bored, you’re welcome to take Skyla and go explore or something, as long as you promise not to go near the Everfree.”

“What? Why not?” Taya asked.

“Skyla’s a princess. Even if she’d be safe with you, there’s no reason to subject her to possible harm. Plus, it’s no place for someone like Eva.”

“Yeah, it’s scary in there,” Eva said, nodding. “Even the bugs can explode!”

“Neither of them are tree sisters, so they can’t just painlessly walk through like us,” I said. “And here’s the kitchen…”

“It’s like nothing changed!” Eva said, releasing my hand so she could run around. Taya held steady and seemed quite pleased that she had me all to herself.

“It would have been surprising if anything had changed,” Doppel said, gently pushing past me. I realized we were holding up the door and pulled Taya out of the way so Cadance could get through.

“Another couple lived here for a pretty decent amount of time,” I said. “It wouldn’t be weird if they redecorated a little.”

“Not when it comes to your home,” Cadance said. “This house was gifted to you by royalty. It’s only natural that the ones looking after it for you would leave it relatively untouched.”

“Guess I’ll take your word for it.”

“You know, we could have a home grown for you in our kingdom, too…”

“Grown?”

“That’s how crystal houses are made,” Cadance said. “We don’t have a mine anymore, but there are still several in the castle’s storage. When infused with the right kind of magic, they grow and fuse into a surprisingly customizable building.”

“That sounds pretty cool, but two houses already seems like more than I’ll need for a while.”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to stay in the castle whenever you visit,” Cadance replied.

“That means I can use the really cool bath room, right?”

“No, those are usually off-limits for visitors. There is a hot spring nearby, but nobody has the technical or magical know-how to monetize it.”

“What’s the cost for the land?”

“It’s completely unincorporated. Aside from the railroad, we make no claims on the lands outside of the shield keeping the snow out. If you think you can do something with it, you’re welcome to try.”

“Do you know how?” Shiny asked as he trudged up the stairs. Skyla was following right behind, a somewhat pouty look on her face. “If you could build some kind of inn there, it might bring some more tourism our way.”

“I have a few ideas, but I’ll need to talk things over with Luna and Twilight. This is the kitchen, Skyla. Do you remember anything here?”

The filly walked a little further into the room, her eyes looking here and there. “Hm… I think… Oh!” She trotted over to one of the drawers, opened it, and pulled out the throwing knife hidden under the bottom. “I remembered this!”

Cadance immediately floated it away, landing it expertly in my hand. “Somehow I’m not surprised,” she said, casting a short glare my way.

“You shouldn’t play with knives at your age, Skyla,” I said, sliding the knife into my empty hidden pocket. “At least wait until you’re as old as Taya.”

“I wonder what else I’ll remember!” Skyla shouted, taking off at a gallop. Cadance squeaked and hastily followed. I had a feeling a lot of knives were about to get pulled out of all kinds of places.

“...I knew I shouldn’t have let them stay here,” Shiny muttered. This time, all I could do was hang my head. He scoffed and hastily followed his wife.

“Do you want to look around, my lady?” Doppel asked.

“I didn’t have time to make many memories in this house, but they were mostly good ones,” I said. “If the bed’s ready for use, I might throw you on it for a few minutes.”

“Do you really have to say that in front of me?” Taya asked.

“What, you don’t want to look around?” I asked.

“I mean, a house is a house, I guess. It’s only a home if you’re there. The building itself is unimportant.”

“Wow. Have some sentimentality, at least.”

“It’s never done you a lick of good, mommy. Anyway, how passive aggressive and mean can I be to Cadance?”

“I’ll allow you to be snippy, but don’t be rude in front of her filly. I don’t want us to be the ones who ruin Skyla. I just want to teach her some weird slang to annoy her parents. And if Cadance apologizes or whatever, don’t be a bitch about it.”

“Tch, whatever…”

“You need to act like a good role model for Eva, you know,” I said, booping her.

“I’m pretty sure she’s older than me.”

“Probably not mentally, at least not her. Eva probably won’t ever grow up, if I had to guess.”

“So… you have two permafillies, then?”

“Kinda sorta looks that way, yeah.” Here’s hoping it stays at two. “Anyway, no reason to just stand around in the kitchen. I wanna know if Skyla can actually find them all.” I started tugging Taya along toward the living room.

“How many were there?” Taya asked.

“Fifty,” Doppel replied. “I helped hide them. We only put one in the kitchen because there were already so many knives in here.”

By the time we got there, Shiny was standing guard over an impressive array of knives. “I hope you’re happy, Nav,” he said. “The only thing Skyla seems to remember is your collection of hidden blades.”

“I never once saw her pull one out,” Doppel said.

“She only used a knife on me once, and that was one I had in a holster,” I said. “I had no idea she knew about all the hidden ones. I wouldn’t say I’m happy, but I am impressed. How many is it so far?”

Shiny opened his mouth, but the sound of a small knife teleporting in cut him off. “That makes forty,” he said with a sigh.

“The last ten were in my room,” I said. “As far as I know, Skyla never even went in there.”

“Why were these things even lying around, anyway?” Shiny asked.

“They weren’t lying around,” Doppel said. “They were very well hidden. I had Cadance vet every room. She only found seven of them.”

“I didn’t even know they were here,” Taya added.

“Shiny, you entrusted me with the defense of your wife and daughter,” I said. “You should know that without weapons or the element of surprise, I’m not very useful in a fight. Carrying a sword around all the time would get tiresome, so I elected to keep weapons hidden here and there just in case. And as Doppel said, we had Cadance’s permission. For the seven knives she did find, we hid them better.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but another teleport cut him off. Ten more knives fell into the pile, followed by a pair of very racy panties.

“Oh, that’s where those went,” Doppel said, reclaiming the panties.

“I uh… don’t really know what to say,” I said. “Did she go in my room? When, though?”

“I never saw her in there,” Doppel said.

“It s-sure is a mystery, huh,” Taya… suspiciously said. She was even looking away and blushing slightly.

“It looks like you have something to say, Taya. Why don’t you tell the rest of the class, hm?”

“...As long as you promise not to ask how I know, I think I can tell you when she was in there.”

“Please, enlighten me,” I said with a warm, motherly smile.

“That’s not a promise, mommy.”

Damn, she got me. “Spill the beans or I’ll start tickling you.”

“I may be human, but I can still use magic. Do you really want to make that kind of threat, mommy?”

“Flo, would you kindly…?”

“With pleasure,” she replied in my head. “Feel free to begin at any time.”

Tickle torture really is soothing for the heart. In her human form, Taya… jiggled a lot more than I would have liked, but that didn’t stop me from fulfilling my parental duty. Thankfully, it only took a few minutes to break her.

“...This is a side of Taya I never thought I’d see,” Shiny muttered. I don’t know why he was trying to be quiet when we could all clearly hear him and see his big smirk, but whatever.

“So, when was Skyla in my room and how do you know?” I sweetly asked, snuggling my little girl close. I couldn’t see her bright red face this way, but I could feel her intense heartbeat.

“...She watched you sleep sometimes,” Taya quietly replied. “Usually with a glare on her face. Sometimes carrying several knives.”

“And how do you know this?”

“I found her while I was sneaking into your bed…”

“And why didn’t you think to mention this to me or Cadance?”

“Uh… Because I was sneaking into your bed?”

“And you weren’t worried?” Doppel asked. “I mean, a foal breaking into your father’s room to watch him sleep while glaring and holding weapons didn’t scare you?”

“She was just watching, right?” Taya said. “Every time I came in, she even smiled and waved at me! Meanwhile, I was actually crawling in and cuddling you!”

“Shiny, point that glare at Taya, not me,” I said.

“You aren’t even looking at me. How do you know I’m glaring at you?”

“I know what you’re about. I’m the victim here, so I don’t need your judgment. Anyway, we now have more answers than we know what to do with. Let’s drop this line of questioning here.” I released my daughter and turned to the pile of knives. “Taya, can you send these back to our house in Canterlot? We can have them tuned up, runed up, and sharpened before we hide them again.”

“...I can’t believe Flo won’t let me use magic against you,” Taya muttered, successfully using her horn to teleport the knives away. “Worst guardian ever!”

“Why would you want to use magic when you could use your own hands?” Doppel asked. “I successfully tickled her with no magic. There’s nothing stopping you from accomplishing the same feat.” Taya looked down at her hands before sending a very un-ponylike smile my way. She stood no chance against me alone, but with Eva… I would have to be on my guard.

“So, I have a question,” Shiny said. “Why was Skyla watching you sleep, glaring, and holding weapons?”

“I think that’s a question for the ages,” I replied with a shrug. “I’m just thankful she never used the knives. Also, we might want to keep this between us.”

“...Agreed,” Shiny said. Taya sighed in relief.

It didn’t take much longer for Cadance to return to the living room, carrying a giggling Skyla with magic. Eva was right behind her and wasted no time reattaching herself to my side. “Well Nav, she found ‘em all,” Cadance said, finally setting Skyla down on the couch. “I have no idea how and I certainly can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’m honestly a little impressed.” Shiny groaned and facehooved. “Oh, relax. It’s not like she ever hurt herself. It was surprising to see knife after knife appearing and then start floating around the room, though.”

“It seems like a pretty efficient fighting style, to me,” I said. “I don’t think telekinesis uses as much magic as making a fireball. If you just carried a few knives, you could probably use those to slice people up with considerably less magic than it would take to blow them up. Plus, it would be quieter.”

“That takes a lot of skill, more than most unicorns have,” Shiny said. “It’s more efficient, but also considerably more difficult. And doing things quietly goes against standard guard doctrine, not that it would matter to you.”

“Speaking of, where’d the knives go?” Cadance asked.

“Taya sent them back to Canterlot. They need to be serviced. Eva, have you had your fill of running around?”

“For now, yeah,” she replied with a nod.

“Then shall we visit the university site first? Taya, lead the way.”

“Why can’t I lead the way?” Eva asked.

“Do you actually know the way?” I asked.

She was silent for a few seconds before shaking her head. “I guess that’s why I can’t lead the way, huh?” I replied by patting her back with a wing. It made her giggle, at least.

Taya sighed and released my arm so she could grab Eva’s hand. She pulled her sister outside, presumably so they could both lead the way. It made sense, so we followed. Doppel made sure to close the door behind us like a proper maid.

“Wow, there’s even a wall!” Skyla said. “Our house doesn’t even have one of those!”

“Your house also doesn’t need a wall,” I said. “This place is right next to the Everfree Forest, which is currently one of the most dangerous places in the country. Monsters rarely wander out, but having a wall means you’re usually safe if they do. As far as I know, there aren’t any monsters in your kingdom. If there are any, the magical barrier would keep them out.”

“Hm… What is a monster, anyway? Everyone talks about them, but I’ve never actually seen one…”

“Monsters are dangerous magical creatures,” Shiny replied. “Some can fly, some can spit poison, some can even use basic magic.”

“One example of a monster is a glacial frog,” I said. “We fought some of those recently. They’re large frogs about half as tall as the wall and covered in sharp icicles. They shoot out blasts of cold air to immobilize their target so they’re easier to eat. There’s one called the manticore that lives in the Everfree. It’s a large cat twice the size of a pony with a scorpion tail full of poison. It attacks using its teeth, claws, and tail. Another one that lives in the Everfree is called the dingonek, which is another cat-like monster about twice the size of a manticore. Its entire body is armored with scales, its fangs are longer than my legs, and it has a pretty scary horn.”

“...Why would you live here?” Skyla whispered, her eyes wide. Because I’m introverted and this was the only way I could get ponies to leave me alone for five minutes.

“To protect Ponyville,” Cadance replied. “It’s a town nearby. Before Nav moved here, monsters would occasionally harass them. With this fortress to attract their attention instead, the attacks stopped.”

“I highly doubt that was the only reason,” Shiny said, staring at me quite dubiously.

“I mean, I was a knight at the time, you know,” I said. “Protecting the people is important or whatever, right?”

“Didn’t you ask Chrysalis to build you this place to make Luna look bad?” Shiny asked.

“What? No, Twilight kicked me out after a series of unpleasant things happened to me. I asked Chrysalis for help to spite the entire pony race, not just Luna.”

“What’s spite?” Skyla asked.

“A human thing,” I replied, tousling her hair. “Don’t worry about it. And don’t worry about monsters, either. Between your father, your mother, me, and Taya, nothing will harm you.”

“...You can fight?” she asked, curiously looking me up and down.

“I’ve been known to in the past, yes.”

“Huh… I guess I should have clung to Eva earlier, then. I picked you since I thought everyone would circle up to protect us both.”

So it was on purpose, but not because I’m her favorite. Alas. “I may be a countess, but your mother is a princess. Wouldn’t you think she’d need protecting, too?”

“No, she’s super strong!” Then how could Shiny have been bullying her?

“True, she’s probably the strongest one here,” I said with a nod.

“That’s hardly a compliment, you know,” Cadance said. “Shall we find this university of yours, Nav?”

“Don’t ask me. Taya’s the one who’s supposed to be leading the way. This is my first time going, so I don’t know where exactly it is.”

“I stopped because you stopped, mommy. Don’t make me out to be the bad girl here!” With that, my filly began moving again, pulling Eva along. The gate was currently open and a few changeling drones were walking around the top of the wall. None of them reacted to us, so I figured they were probably looking out for monsters. Taya didn’t mention them at all, so I decided to just ignore them. It’s not like I could get any information out of a drone, anyway.

“Even the front of the house looks cool!” Skyla said. “I’ve never seen stones that color before!” The front of the house had a lot of olivine on it. Most of the crystals in her kingdom were blue, so I guess green was new and exciting.

“Yeah, but our palace is so much better,” Shiny said.

“It’s not a competition, daddy,” Skyla said with a small scoff.

“This is your first time out of the Crystal Kingdom that you can remember, isn’t it?” I asked. “We should take some time to visit Ponyville while we’re in the area. There’s a ton of buildings in that town you’d probably love.”

“That’s a good idea, but aren’t you busy with pageant stuff?” Cadance asked. “We’re basically on vacation, so if you need to go back to Canterlot after looking over your fief, we can show her around Ponyville.”

“What pageant stuff? I have no idea what any of the events are, so I can’t practice. The only thing I have to do is pick up my clothes. Rarity’s the one working on my outfits and she’s in Ponyville, so we could poke our heads in there to see if any of them are ready.”

“...I never thought I’d hear you suggest going to Ponyville, mommy,” Taya said.

“What do you think Pinkie would do to us if we kept such a cute filly from her?”

“Oh.” Her whole body shivered for a moment. “Ugh, that’s a terrifying thought… Good call, mommy.”

“Who’s Pinkie?” Skyla asked.

“Pinkie is a mare who lives in Ponyville,” Cadance replied. “She’s one of your aunt’s friends.”

“I’ll be very interested in what your special eyes see around Pinkie, Skyla,” I said. Maybe it’ll tell me how to avoid her. Tch, as if that’s even possible.

“Hm… I’ve only ever seen mist around everyone but you, Lady Navi.”

“Pinkie is also a seer, though her powers work differently. That’s why I think you might see something around her.”

“Wait, Pinkie can see into the future?” Cadance asked.

“It’s usually imprecise, but she’s getting better at reading it. Her powers told her about Flo, for example. She tried telling the others, but they didn’t believe her. And right before I left Equestria on my airship, Pinkie told me about a genie that could solve some of my problems. I thought she was talking nonsense at first, but I found proof of a genie later. Now that I think about it, she might be a modern day Cassandra.”

“Is that another human legend?” Shiny asked.

“Apollo, an old god of the sun, favored a princess named Cassandra. He offered her power in exchange for her love. She agreed. Apollo gave her power. Cassandra spurned him afterward. Since the power couldn’t be returned, Apollo cursed her. Though she could see into the future, nobody would ever believe her prophecies. The story ends on a tragic note, so I’ll stop there.”

“Well, you obviously believe her,” Cadance said. “Though I find it hard to believe, myself.”

“Most of Pinkie’s prophecies are common things, like telling her that something is about to fall where she’s standing. She’ll get a twitch in her tail or a cramp in her leg and just… know something. She also generally doesn’t like talking about it, so don’t bring it up around her.”

“Then why did you tell us?” Shiny asked.

“I thought you might like to know your filly wasn’t alone in the world. I figured Pinkie would be interested in learning it, too.” It’s bad, but I keep expecting her to just suddenly appear. Is this a sign I’ve been traumatized? “That said, it might be wise to keep Skyla’s skill a secret, too.”

“Why is that?” Cadance asked.

“Two reasons. First, you never know when you might need a hidden ace or two, and being able to see possible futures is quite the ace. Second, because people will come from far and wide to have their fortunes told… and try to garner favor with the royal family while they’re at it. It seems like it would be a hassle.”

“And keeping it a secret wouldn’t be?” Shiny asked.

“I dunno. That’s on y’all.”

“We should be able to see the university site soon,” Taya said. “It’s around the next copse of trees, if I remember right. At the moment, there’s not much there, though. The changelings were waiting for your approval to begin, mommy.”

Is that where you’re at now, Flo?

“Yes. Darya is with me. It might be wise to warn Skyla, lest she think we’re some manner of monster. ”

“Two water elementals are waiting for us there,” I said. “You probably don’t remember ever seeing one of those, Skyla. They’re friends of mine, so don’t worry about them.”

“What’s an… elemental?” Skyla asked.

“They are guardians that my kind built long ago,” I replied. “The two we’re about to meet are made of water. Their upper bodies are shaped like humans.”

“That sounds really cool! Why don’t we have anything like that in our kingdom?”

“They were made by humans, so they serve humans,” Shiny replied. “There was one in our kingdom, but Nav took her away from us.”

“Which turned out to be a good thing, in the long run,” I said. “She was corrupt and probably would have caused a lot of damage to your kingdom if she stayed. Thankfully, I found a way to purify her.” You know, hopefully. Assuming Jonathan didn’t infect them with his own brand of corruption instead.

“And it’s not like we even knew she was there, given that she was buried deep under the ice,” Cadance said. “Several of the others were in similar circumstances until Nav rescued them.”

“...I dunno if I trust a guardian that needs to be rescued,” Skyla said, looking down.

“The world is a big place,” I replied, tousling her mane yet again. “There’s always someone stronger than you, so anyone can end up needing to be saved.”

“Your hands really are nice…” the filly whispered, looking at the one I used on her. “I kinda wish we had those in our kingdom, too…”

“Tell me about it,” Cadance said with a sigh. Shiny slapped her with his tail.

“I could pet you whenever you wanted,” Eva said. “But it’s really not the same. Mommy’s skill is amazing! She can put even the most ornery of ponies to sleep in less than five minutes!”

“I don’t know if that’s actually true, but there have been a few ponies who fell asleep while I was petting them,” I said.

“We’re clearly not going to let you pet our filly,” Shiny said.

“I mean, you won’t even pet me anymore,” Cadance said. “Either pet us all fairly or not at all, I say!”

“Anymore?” Shiny whispered.

“I’ll let you watch me rub Shiny’s belly for permission,” I said.

“Deal!” Cadance immediately replied.

“Cadance!” Shiny shouted.

“Negotiation is about everyone getting a little of what they want,” Cadance said, patting his back. “And everyone wins from this, honey. There’s no need to be angry.”

“Do tummy rubs feel good, too?” Skyla asked.

“They’re legendary,” Cadance said.

“Depends on the pony,” I said. “Most enjoy them. One had a more… adult reaction, but she had a weird thing about other species.”

“Well, I’m not particularly interested in one,” Shiny replied.

“As a prince, you should be aware that sometimes, you have to barter away all kinds of things to keep everything going,” I said. “And you’ll also find that the deals your partner makes are binding to you as well, even if they’re not so beneficial. And, well… This deal has already been made.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

I smiled at him oh-so-sweetly. “Tonight. You.” It actually made him flinch and gulp in fear.

“Don’t worry, honey,” Cadance said, wrapping a wing around him and pulling him close. “I’ll be there to make sure Navi doesn’t do anything strange!”

“That doesn’t—”

“Oh look, we’re here!” Taya shouted, cutting him off.

“Yep, we sure are,” I said. “That’s a pretty big stockpile. I kinda wonder where they got all those stones.” Several stacks of stone bricks, wood, and other building materials lined the plains outside the forest. They were all covered in tents. The forest itself had clearly been cut back, with the ground having been burned away where the trees were removed. There were already signs that the Everfree was trying to grow back, though. A few more drones were roaming around making sure the tents didn’t go flying. Two sentients were guarding a fully enclosed tent next to the stacks of supplies.

“And those are the water elementals, Skyla,” Cadance said, releasing her husband and using magic to float Skyla onto to her back. At the moment, Flo and Darya were slithering over to join us. “One is Flo, one of Nav’s most loyal friends. I’m afraid I don’t know the other, though.”

“That is Darya,” I replied. “Until a few days ago, she went by the name Aqua.”

“So you made your decision, huh?” Shiny asked.

“I knew maintaining the status quo with her was dangerous, but she had answers I needed. Anyway, what do you think, Skyla?”

“They don’t look dangerous at all, but… I don’t see anything at all around them… Even animals have something!”

“That’s probably because they’re not actually alive,” I replied, booping her. “Your ability allows you to peer into the soul. Humans created them. They have no soul to peer into.”

“Whoa… Why can’t we create things like that?”

“Because we aren’t insane and full of spite,” Shiny said.

“Spite must be really cool, then!” I noticed Shiny glaring at me for some reason, so I stuck my tongue out at him while his filly was still focused on the elementals.

It didn’t take too much longer for them to get close. As expected, Flo made a beeline straight toward me for a snuggle. Her entire body lit up pink once I was securely in her grasp. Darya maintained a comfortable distance. “Hello again, Flo and Darya,” I said as I was viciously cuddled. For some reason, Skyla started giggling. “I’m sure nobody would mind if you cuddled Shiny and Skyla, too.”

“No, cuddling you is enough,” Flo said. She turned to the filly with me still held in her arms. “It’s good to meet you, Skyla. I am Flo.”

“It’s nice to meet you! I guess you really like Lady Navi, huh?”

“Yes, she’s my favorite.”

“Greetings, young one,” Darya said, nodding to the most adorable filly present. “I am Darya.”

“Hi! Do you not like Lady Navi as much?”

“Flo got to her first. I am merely waiting my turn. Patience is a virtue, I’m told.”

“Even when waiting for dessert?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“Depends on the dessert, of course,” Taya replied.

“So, this is the university site,” I said. Before I could continue, Flo tossed me over to Darya, who caught me and immediately pulled me in for a snuggle. Flo’s body returned to blue while Darya’s lit up pink. Skyla started giggling again, but I ignored it. “Is there any reason in particular this location was chosen?”

“The university will be at the center of the new town,” Flo said. “Since the main reason you had a house built out here is because you’re introverted and it was the only way you could get anyone to leave you alone for five minutes, we decided to make your current house the edge of your town in that direction.” Shiny snorted and Cadance giggled. “I’m sure the town will grow more and faster than you expect, so this might not be the heart for very long.”

“Are you sure putting a university that specializes in inventions in the center of the town is a good idea?” I asked.

“With magical shielding, explosions pose much less of a risk,” Shiny said. “Are you really so worried about your vaunted human technology exploding, Nav?”

“Human technology was meant to be handled by dexterous hands, not blunt hooves. Plus, we’re going to be modifying it to work with magic rather than electricity. There’s no telling what’ll happen.”

“That can be handled with remote testing facilities connected via teleport runes,” Darya said.

“Makes sense. If I’m completely honest, I don’t really know much about making a college. Who was in charge of designing it? Celestia’s ponies or Moonbeam’s changelings?”

“It was a joint effort between them and us,” Flo said with a wide smile. “We used models of universities back in your time as a reference.”

“Getting the two other groups to settle on a coloring scheme was a nightmare,” Darya said, shaking her head in disappointment. “The changelings demanded green and black while the ponies were dead set on white and gold.”

“As long as you didn’t settle on something dumb like rainbow-themed, I’ll probably be fine with it,” I said. “I’d personally prefer black and green, but I imagine trying to learn in such an environment would feel oppressive for most fae.”

“That was our conclusion as well,” Flo said. “Brighter colors will hopefully encourage them to stay awake and attentive.”

“How big will the place be, overall?”

“The first stage will be able to host twenty courses and has five large assembly-style auditoriums,” Darya said, finally passing me back to Flo. “We’ll leave room to expand to a second stage with fifty courses and fifteen assembly rooms. The final stage hosts eighty courses and thirty auditoriums. This doesn’t include things like administration buildings, housing, cafeterias, and other things like that. It also doesn’t include external expansions linked by teleporters.”

“Out of curiosity, was Twilight involved in the development process?” Shiny asked.

“She was,” Flo replied. “Though most of her time was spent interviewing professors. It takes a special kind of person to work with my lady, after all.”

“I guess keeping up with a hero is hard…” Skyla said.

“Mommy’s certainly… unique,” Taya said.

“She’s a menace!” Shiny muttered.

“Daddy, why do you keep bullying Lady Navi?!” Skyla demanded.

“Here I am, minding my human business, doing my human best, and here’s a pony to drag me back down,” I said, trying to sound as sad and downtrodden as possible. “How miserable must I be for you, Shiny…?” I even managed to get some tears to come to my eyes.

“Nobody’s buying it, Nav!” he growled.

“Daddy, what is wrong with you?!” Skyla shouted, proving that there was at least one person buying it.

“Shiny, stop being mean to our host,” Cadance said. “Nav, do your best to stop provoking Shiny. And Flo, it’s Darya’s turn again.” Shiny and I glared at each other while Flo passed me back to Darya. “Skyla, don’t worry about anything your father says to Navi. It’s all harmless banter, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Sometimes adults express their feelings in strange ways.”

“W-wait… is daddy trying to seduce her?!”

“No,” three voices replied instantly. It was me, Cadance, and Shiny. I’m not sure how we pulled off the perfect synchronization, but it was pretty cool.

“Oh… So why is he bullying her, then?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Flo said. “Shall we go to the main tent to look at the blueprints?”

“Yeah, lead the way,” I said.

“Eva, would you and Taya care to set up the blanket and picnic basket in the shade of one of the stockpiles?” Cadance asked. Her horn lit up and everything she prepared earlier appeared before us.

“You got it,” Eva replied with a salute. “We’ll bring Skyla with us, too.”

“Stay away from the forest,” I said. “Looking at you, Taya.”

“I didn’t need the second warning, mommy. I’ll make sure nothing happens, so relax.”

“...There are monsters in that forest, r-right?” Skyla asked, eyeing the trees with fear.

“There are,” I said. “Taya will protect you. Not to mention all the changeling guards that are roaming around.”

“And we’ll only be a few meters away,” Shiny said, patting her back. “Don’t worry about a thing, Skyla. I wouldn’t have let you live here when you were just a baby if monster attacks were common. They almost never show up.” Wow, way to throw down a death flag. Get your shit together, prince. Flo, make sure Taya’s extra cautious.

Taya’s horn lit up and a small beam of light extended out in a circle. “That was a spell called detect life. There’s nothing bigger than a bird up to a kilometer into the woods. I’ll know as soon as something gets closer.”

“There’s a spell for that?” Cadance asked.

“It’s one of the explorer and guard basics,” Shiny said. “Though it only started being taught to the guards after a certain incident involving Nav at the Gala.”

“It’s sad that I don’t actually know which one you’re referring to,” I said. “Was it the time Celestia lost or the time Blueblood showed up?”

“The time Celestia lost,” Shiny said with a small smile. “It’s a funny memory now, but at the time… She didn’t tell any of us about it, you see, so we were caught flat-hooved.”

“These days, I would definitely be more subtle,” I said. “It was fun at the time, but I’m surprised Celestia didn’t get more angry about it. Anyway, now we know we’re all safe from monsters. Darya, to the tent!”

“At once, my lady,” Darya replied, already beginning to move. I couldn’t really look back the way I was being held, so I could only assume the others were following. “And to answer your unspoken question, I’ll put you down once we get inside.”

Since there was no need to voice the question, I didn’t feel the need to voice a response. We closed in on the tent quickly enough that it didn’t matter anyway. The guards in front watched us approach. One of them smirked when he saw me, but neither said anything. I was trying to look as dignified as possible, but it didn’t amount to much.

There was no one in the tent, but there were several tables set up with large, 3D models made of stone. It looked like they were using them to plan buildings. Darya finally set me down and I walked over to the largest model there, which happened to be a statue of me. It was the latest iteration, with the fairy wings and vine tail.

“Why is this here?” I asked.

“It will be the centerpiece of the academy,” Flo replied with a smile.

“I’m not going to approve a statue of myself in my territory,” I said. “Denied.”

“This was approved by all three groups, though,” Flo said.

Shiny, Cadance, and Doppel finally caught up and sure enough, all of their gazes drifted straight to the statue. “Really, Nav?” Shiny asked.

“I just told them no. Remember, I had no input on any of this. I don’t need more giant versions of myself out there.”

“How many are there?” Cadance asked.

“As far as I know, two. One in your kingdom and one in a changeling city. I wish it was zero…”

“Didn’t you use to complain about being hated?” Cadance asked. “Having statues made to commemorate your heroic endeavors helped fix that!”

“The main thing I complained about was being the center of attention all the time. Every time I went anywhere or did anything, I had a good chance of getting dragged into some nonsense just for being different. The statues didn’t help with that. Anyway, no statues of me in any of my towns going forward, Flo.”

“...What if the citizens request it?”

“Deny them. Now then, moving on…”

“Can I keep that statue?” Cadance asked. “Since it doesn’t seem like you have any use for it…”

“It’s not mine to give away,” I said. “For all I know, somebody else already has dibs.”

“I want to say you’re wrong, but I honestly can’t,” Shiny said, sighing. “Besides, what would you even do with it, honey?”

“Hide it around the castle to scare the maids, of course,” Cadance said. Best princess strikes again!

“Would that really scare the maids, though?” Doppel asked. “Isn’t Nav a hero in your kingdom?”

“How would you feel if a statue just suddenly showed up in the middle of what used to be a completely normal hallway?” Cadance asked.

“If it was a statue of my lady, I’d feel at ease,” Doppel replied with a confident smile.

“That makes you the edge case, I think…”

“I’m noticing a theme with the rest of these building models,” I said, deciding to cut them off before things got even more weird. “Why are they all Roman-esque?”

“We presented options from several human cultures,” Flo replied. “The ponies and changelings agreed that the Roman buildings looked the nicest. At least, when taking your own preferences into account.”

“I mean… It looks cool I guess, and Roman buildings are made to last. Any thoughts from the royals?”

“It looks fancy, but kinda old-school,” Shiny said.

“I remember seeing ruins kinda like these during one of the Europe parties,” Cadance said. “If our world mirrors yours… Were the Romans a culture that came before your time, Nav?”

“Yes, Rome was a vast empire before my time. It didn’t get as big as Celestia’s, nor did it last nearly as long.”

“Why not something from your time, then?” Cadance asked.

“I was too young for college, so I have no direct memories of one. I don’t really care what we use as long as it’s functional and the complaints about it are minimal. I guess we should probably talk about the courses, too. Math is critical, for sure. As far as I’ve seen, the highest most ponies go is algebra. Magic fills in the gaps. A lot of the higher end tech we’ll be creating requires at least trigonometry. Probably some calculus, too. Statistics will also be useful. Mechanical engineering, civil engineering, chemical engineering, maybe some aerospace later on. Then there’s the magical courses like runeworking and true magic. Those might require an introductory course on the basics of magic. And definitely monster hunting, because fuck monsters.”

“Celestia also has some things she wanted taught,” Flo said. “History that hasn’t been whitewashed, astronomy, chemistry, and alchemy. She would also like to discuss a few more potential options in person later.”

“I’m fine with those,” I said. “And I’ll definitely be discussing this with her in the future. Royals, do you have any thoughts?”

“Can you stop calling us that?” Cadance asked. “It sounds so… impersonal.”

“Goddess of love, do you have any thoughts?” I asked.

“That’s even worse!” she shouted, stomping her hoof on the dirt floor. “Don’t make me cuddle you next!”

“What about you, Shiny?” I asked.

“If you’re going to include monster hunting, you should include other kinds of combat or military courses. I know a few retired officers who might be willing to teach things like tactics, strategy, and military law. Although with you in the picture, most of what ponies know about tactics and strategy is worthless.”

“Between me and Luna, we’ll probably be rewriting most books on strategy before everything is over,” I said. “I do think other kinds of combat courses are valuable though. Self-defense, for example. There will be a large number of species attending, so we can teach people how to defend against a variety of races. We can also have a class that experiments with military technology. Military law probably varies by country, but it might not be a bad idea to offer something like it as an elective.”

“Can you really not think of any good nicknames for me?” Cadance asked, followed by a disappointed sigh.

“Do you have any thoughts on courses, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?” I sweetly asked.

“I’m gonna cuddle you so hard you choke to death on my fluff,” Cadance replied with a growl, her horn lighting up.

“How about Mia, then?” I asked. “It’s your first name and a little of your middle name.”

“That… is a first, for sure,” Shiny said. “Even the other ponies in high school struggled to give her a nickname. Cadance was the closest they got…”

“...I like it, but it’s hard to approve,” Cadance said. “I’ll allow you to call me that, Nav. But for now, only you. We’ll see how it feels in practice.”

“A special nickname that only we share, huh,” I replied with a small smile.

“Don’t make it sound so grandiose,” Shiny said with a scoff.

“It’s nothing to be jealous about, silly,” I replied. “It’s only something that Mia and I share together, just the two of us.” He narrowed his eyes at me, but I just continued sweetly smiling.

“Shiny, stop being so easy to provoke. Nav, stop provoking him. If you two want to fight, don’t do it over me.”

“So, do you have any thoughts on college courses, Mia?” I asked.

“No. Instead, I’d like you to remember their social lives. What about clubs, events, and things to develop their sense of camaraderie? You’re developing an entire institution from scratch, Nav. You’ll want to make sure to build its culture as well, or it might develop in a way you don’t like.”

“I was planning on letting them do as they liked, if I’m honest,” I said. “You can’t really force culture. If you try, it’ll just feel awkward for everyone involved.”

“Spoken like a true shut-in,” Cadance said, nodding. “It’s true that culture tends to evolve over time, but that doesn’t mean you can just let them figure it out on their own. One look at that statue should tell you what happens when nerds are left to their own devices. If you don’t give them something to focus on, it’s entirely possible they’ll focus on you.”

I don’t want to admit it, but it’s possible she’s right. I really don’t want them to start bothering me. If giving them stuff to do means they won’t have time to form a new religion around me, I’ll just have to give them stuff to do. “Do you have anything in particular in mind?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, not really. There are obviously the standard pony holidays, but is your town just going to be made up of ponies?”

“The town itself isn’t going to have many ponies living in it at all, at least in the beginning,” I said. “The current plan is for the city to mostly be made up of a race of monkeys from the south and a race of lizard-like kobolds from an island in the Pacific. Neither of them have had much contact with ponies as a race. The town will also be made up of a small clan of naga, some changelings sent by Moonbeam, and a group of mercenaries I’ll be hiring as guards.”

“Wait, you’re hiring mercenaries?” Shiny asked. “Why not just ask Celestia for guards?”

“The quality of the standard pony guardsman doesn’t impress me. My people are going to be living next to the Everfree Forest, one of the most dangerous places on the continent. I want some muscle I can actually rely on. Plus, I’m going to be a countess. It’s time I started building up my noble house a little. If I can make them loyal, they’d be a good standing army.”

“...I guess it’s fine, as long as you can afford it,” Shiny said. “But do you really think so little of the army?”

“That training exercise didn’t fill me with confidence. There are things much more savage than me lurking in that forest. How do you think the ponies in the army would fare against them?”

“With the right troops, you’d be fine. Celestia certainly wouldn’t give you the average soldiers, that’s for sure. And things did change for the better after you humiliated us, but I can understand why they still wouldn’t be up to your standard.”

“Besides the mercenaries, you have quite the interesting group,” Cadance said. “Doppel, what kind of holidays and festivals do changelings have?”

“They don’t have any,” Doppel immediately replied.

“Wait, none at all?” I asked.

“None at all, my lady.”

“You know it’s bad when even the shut-in is surprised,” Shiny said, shaking his head. “I’m surprised the changelings have lasted so long.”

“At least it means we don’t have to try to work any changeling holidays in,” I said. “Almost every day in the calendar back in my time was some kind of holiday somewhere.”

“Were years the same length back then?” Doppel asked.

“No, there was some drift over the ages,” I replied. “The pony calendar has the same number of months, but their number of days is different. And after watching the clock on my laptop for a while, I think the number of minutes in a day has changed, too. The clocks never match up, so the length of the minutes might have changed, too. Either that or my CMOS battery is dying, but that seems unlikely.”

“If you’re looking for holidays and events, why not pull from your human culture?” Cadance asked. “If there really was a holiday almost every day of the year, you can pick and choose which ones you’d like.”

“Most pony holidays are just echoes of human holidays. Our Halloween is your Nightmare Night. Our Valentine’s Day is your Hearts and Hooves Day. Our Christmas is your Hearth’s Warming Eve. Trying to get everyone to celebrate the human versions would make me feel like a dirty hipster or too demanding. Really, just the thought of trying to hold any events makes my stomach squirm…”

“How do you expect to compete in a pageant like that?” Shiny asked.

“Drugs, Darya, and support from my loyal servants,” I replied.

“Soothing my lady’s nerves can be troublesome, but it’s always worth it,” Doppel said with a cute grin. “Though I’m not so sure about using drugs to get through something so important, my lady…”

Flo, can you find some weed in the Everfree before you get back tonight?

“Yes, of course,” she replied in my head. “I’ll get enough for you to share with Shiny and Cadance, too.”

Thanks, doll. Oh, and Taya always seems interested, so maybe bring back some for her and Eva, if you can find enough. Just make sure your own safety is your highest priority. I doubt anything will target you, but just in case.

“Understood.”

“Don’t worry about me, Doppel,” I said. “Using drugs to self-medicate probably isn’t a good idea, but I’m good at doing stupid things. That means I should be fine.”

“That is the most Nav thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Shiny said, shaking his head in pure wonder.

“I think I’ll talk to the new inhabitants of my village to see what kind of holidays they celebrate at the moment,” I said. “It’s possible that what they have will echo human holidays, too. If so, we can combine them all.”

“If humans were the originals and magic congregates based on gatherings of people and their emotions, wouldn’t it be ideal to bring back the original human customs to maximize magical gain?” Darya asked.

“Calling them an echo might be a misnomer,” I replied. “I have no idea if extra magic in the air is a good thing, or if doing things the original human way would maximize the gain. One thing you should probably consider is that the true origins of most human holidays are pretty… intense. Human and animal sacrifices, orgies, ridiculous and overblown hedonism, whatever the hell Krampus even was… Everything was dumbed down, simplified, and corporatized by the time I was born. All the magic was stripped out of everything and all we were left with were the unappetizing husks.”

Cadance sighed and hugged me. “Now I know why you’re such a shut-in… You don’t have to hide away from happiness, Nav. You’re welcome to join our magical events, I promise!”

“So humans sacrificed other humans, huh?” Shiny muttered.

“Don’t even get me started on the Aztecs,” I said. “The point is, resurrecting the customs I’m familiar with is pointless if the people moving in already have their own customs. An echo is good enough when what I’m familiar with is just an echo of its own. At least most of the ponies know the official reason their holidays and customs exist, even if a lot of it is just bullshit made up by Celestia. I couldn’t tell you what a bunny has to do with hiding eggs on Easter. I think it goes back to the original customs when it was a holiday to celebrate the coming of spring, but most of that lost its meaning when it was Christianized and became about Jesus dying. The customs were kept to placate the populace, but most of their meaning was forgotten. So I’ll talk to the people who move in, see if they have holidays, and if they do, we’ll pass them over to the university. If they don’t, we’ll bring in the pony holidays so it’ll feel normal to the ponies who eventually move in. I’ll talk to the professors and the headmaster of the university about clubs.”

“That works, I guess,” Cadance said. Her weight was starting to get a little annoying, so a part of me hoped she’d stop clinging to me soon. Another part of me enjoyed her soft squishiness and floral scent and didn’t want it to end.

“So, think we should go join the picnic?” Shiny asked. “I don’t want to make Skyla worry after all that talk about monsters.”

“Not a bad idea,” I said. “Shall we, Mia?”

“Let’s!” Cadance released me and started walking to the tent’s entrance. I sighed in either relief or disappointment and followed.

All things told, the picnic was fun. Skyla was cute, my daughters competed for my attention, and Shiny and I did our best not to make Skyla yell at him again. We failed, but it was worth trying. Somewhat surprisingly, no monsters showed up. It was suspicious after Shiny raised such a blatant flag, but I wasn’t complaining.

Once that was done, Flo and Darya took a few minutes to show us around the main areas of the upcoming town. Town hall was going to be right next to the university. A river that led into the Everfree was going to be one of our sources of water. Parts of the farmland had already been tilled and fertilized. Certain main roads had already been cleared of grass. A few major foundations were already laid. It was starting to come together.

It felt really strange that I had basically nothing to do with it, too.

When that tour was finished, we left Flo and Darya behind and flew on into Ponyville. Cadance carried Shiny with magic, I carried Taya like a princess, and Doppel carried Skyla. Eva was jealous of Taya, but didn’t have an excuse to get carried since she had wings of her own.

Our first target was the residence of the Pink Menace. We landed behind the store, since that was the closest place with enough room for all of us.

“This place is amazing!” Skyla said as soon as we landed. She jumped away from Doppel and ran up to Sugarcube Corner. “It looks and smells just like a gingerbread house! How does it taste?”

“Like wood, so don’t try it,” I replied. “This is a bakery called Sugarcube Corner. The bakery part is why it smells like a gingerbread house. It’s where Pinkie works.”

“Wait, have you actually tried tasting it?” Shiny asked, looking at me dubiously. Taya sighed and kicked at a rock on the dirt road. Shiny lifted an eyebrow.

“One of the local colts tricked her shortly after she first moved to Ponyville,” I replied for her. “She tried taking a bite out of one of the window shutters.” Cadance flinched.

“W-what did you do to the colt?” Shiny asked.

“Nothing, but his parents spanked him and made him apologize,” I said. “Let’s go see if Pinkie is working today. Though the owners might freak out a little if a large group of royalty just shows up. If you want, I can poke my head in and borrow Pinkie for a moment if she’s there.”

“I wanna see the inside, too!” Skyla said.

“I look less royal than Cadance, so I’ll bring Skyla in,” Shiny said. “If Pinkie’s there, we can talk to her inside.”

“You said that Rarity’s doing your outfits for the pageant, right?” Cadance asked. “I would love to see them!”

“I can show you the way to Rarity’s boutique,” Doppel said.

“What about you two?” I asked, looking at my fillies. “You’re welcome to come with me, go with them, or do your own thing.”

“Can we go talk to my Ponyville friends?” Eva asked.

“Of course,” I said, patting her on the head. She beamed up at me, which certainly filled my heart with something. “When we’re done here, we’ll show Skyla some of the more interesting sites in town. Once we’re done with that, we’ll join Cadance at the boutique, unless she gets bored and joins us first. You two can join up with us whenever you want. Or if you want to stay in Ponyville after we’re ready to leave, you can come back on your own later.”

“Got it, mommy!” Eva happily replied, ducking under my arm to hug me. A moment later, she released me, grabbed Taya’s hand, and ran off, dragging her sister along. Some part of me was saddened that Eva had friends in Ponyville and Taya didn’t, but I didn’t let it bother me for long.

“If my clothes are done, can you teleport them back?” I asked, looking to Cadance.

“I should be able to, yes,” she replied with a nod. “Oooh, I’m looking forward to your pained expressions while I dress you up like a dolly!”

“Can I watch?” Shiny asked.

I slapped him, of course. “You perv!”

“You can’t watch ladies change, daddy!” Skyla shouted, rearing up to flail at him with her front hooves.

“...I’ll admit I should have thought deeper about that,” he replied, rubbing his face. “I was hoping to just see your expressions, but… you know what, never mind.”

“You already know you have my permission with Nav, but you need to think about the time and place,” Cadance said, shaking her head in disappointment.

“I said never mind! Shall we go inside and get you something sweet, Skyla?”

“Trying to buy forgiveness and love?” I asked. “Do you think your filly is that easy, Shiny?”

“It’s a bakery, Nav. Did you expect me to go in there with my filly and not get her anything?”

“...Alright, let’s go in.” This time, I led the way. Doppel and a giggling Cadance started trotting off to Rarity’s boutique.

As soon as I got to the door, it burst open and Pinkie glomped me. The only reason I didn’t fall is because Shiny used magic to stabilize me. That meant Pinkie was fully capable of wrapping her entire body around mine and that’s exactly what she did.

“Hello, Pinkie,” I said, trying to sound casual. It probably came out slightly strained, since I could barely support her weight.

“Hiya, Navi!” she replied. “You’re so nice and squishy now!”

“Just like you when you were a human. Can you please let go?”

“Yep!” Her legs released me and she fell back to the ground. “I just knew you’d be coming today!”

“Because you can see into the future?” Skyla asked, popping up next to me.

“...Oh? Nav, what have you been telling this filly?”

“Pinkie, I’d like to introduce you to Princess Skyla,” I said. “You’ve met Shiny before, so you can ignore him.”

“Hey!” an annoying bug shouted.

“Anyway, we recently learned something interesting about Skyla,” I said. “That’s why I told her about you. Can we go inside?”

“Right, we shouldn’t just sit in front of the door,” Pinkie said with a nod. “Come on, Princess! Let me show you my wonderful home!” She grabbed Skyla and pulled her inside before any of us could react. I knew Pinkie wouldn’t hurt a filly, but Shiny wasted no time following them. I really didn’t want to go into Pinkie’s realm, but I had no real choice at that point. With a sigh, I entered hell itself.

At least hell smelled pretty good.

Pinkie was leading a smiling Skyla around, pointing out all the decorations and babbling on. Shiny was at the register talking to Mrs. Cake. She looked at me and I could see the confusion in her eyes, but she seemed to be handling her dealings with royalty well. Since everything seemed to be in hand, I sank into a booth to wait for the chaos to end.

Soon enough, Pinkie pushed Skyla off on Shiny and joined me at the booth. “Before we talk about Skyla, I wanted to thank you, Navi!”

“For what?” I asked.

“The dream with Dashie, silly! I got to do all kinds of fun things to her!”

“You mean with her, right?”

“I know what I said, silly!”

“Well, you’re thanking the wrong person this time. It was actually Twilight who combined your dreams. We were experimenting with some dream powers and that was one we wanted to test.”

“So… Can you set me up with another dream tonight?” she sweetly asked.

“Well—”

“I mean, you did blab all about my secret, after all… It sure would hurt your feelings if any of your secrets got out, Navi. Like that time with Doppel when she was pretending to be Sweetie Belle, for example…”

“You didn’t let me finish,” I said, awkwardly looking away. “I was going to ask if there was anyone you’d prefer…”

“I think I’d like to see Rarity smile next!” she replied, looking at me with an extra-manic grin. Darya, remind me about this tonight, if you would.

“Got it. So, about Skyla. Her eyes perceive an aura around people. According to a source in the know, with some training, Skyla will be able to see things in the aura that will help her determine that person’s possible fate. Essentially, she can see potential futures.”

“And so you brought her to me? Isn’t that something Twilight would be better with?”

“I figured Skyla might be a little nervous to learn she could do something so special. I wanted to introduce her to someone with a similar talent to see into the future. I also thought you might be interested in learning there are others out there like you. Besides, it’s never a bad day when you get to meet a cute filly, right?”

“I knew that it was likely there were others out there, but I’ve never actually met one,” Pinkie said, turning her eyes toward the filly. “Give her parents a warning for me, Nav. Tell them this power comes at a price. At least, it did for me.”

“I will pass on your warning. I really am sorry, Pinkie. I know you can’t help it, but…”

“But what’s annoying is annoying,” she replied, her grin taking a small hit. “I know, Nav. Having lots of friends is great! I can always go bother someone else when my mania starts annoying one a little too much.” I can only imagine how bad it is to recognize your own insanity.

Thankfully, Shiny and Skyla were coming over to our table, so I didn’t have to deal with her alone for much longer. The brief moments of lucidity Pinkie had were always refreshing, if I’m honest. Even if they’re heartbreaking at the same time.

Skyla hopped into the booth next to me, making sure not to leave enough room for her father. “This place is really cool!” Skyla said as her father sighed and sat next to Pinkie. Four slices of pie floated over to the table, all covered in whipped cream. They landed before us all. Skyla wasted no time digging into hers.

“Thanks for the pie,” I said. I hadn’t actually been expecting it, to be honest. It was some kind of chocolate pudding pie and I quickly discovered that it felt amazing inside me.

“You really should be more careful about giving beautiful mares such yummy creampies, though,” Pinkie said with a giggle. “Cadance might get jealous!”

“Unless you get permission, at least,” I added with a grin.

“I don’t think my wife will mind me giving out pie, no matter how beautiful the mare or creamy the pie,” Shiny said.

“She might if you aren’t getting any for her, too,” I said. “But whatever. Pinkie, is there anything you can share about the future that Skyla and Shiny might need to know?”

“It’s not certain and it can usually be changed,” Pinkie replied. “If you think something bad is going to happen to someone, it can generally be prevented. The hard part is figuring out just what’s going to go wrong. Unfortunately, it’s also possible to accidentally prevent good things. Because it’s uncertain, you can’t always know when something is going to happen. Something you see today could happen either tomorrow or in ten years.”

“And it isn’t easy to narrow that timeline down, either,” I added. “Nothing about messing with time is easy, if I’m honest.”

“It doesn’t really seem like it’s worth it, does it?” Skyla asked before stuffing more pie in her face.

“I disagree,” Shiny said. “It sounds really useful, once you get the hang of it. Well, if you can get the hang of it.”

“I think Skyla’s eyes will be easier to use than whatever Pinkie has going on,” I said. “According to the book we got from Athena, being able to actually see things is more accurate and easier to perceive than intuitive feelings and dreams.”

“That’s good, at least,” Pinkie said. “My ability isn’t really all that useful most of the time, if I’m honest. I’ve never tried to rely on it or anything. It might be different for you, though.”

“It’s still not good to rely on something so uncertain,” Shiny said. “Having extra information is valuable, but it’s hard to act on info when the dates are mixed up.”

“I agree,” I said with a nod. “That said, haven’t you helped people dodge falling stuff before by using your powers, Pinkie? That seems a little more accurate and a lot more timely.”

“Those twitches tell me that something is going to happen. It’s up to me to figure out what, where, and exactly when. Having a few seconds of warning before something bad happens isn’t as helpful as you might think.”

“Well, can’t deny that. So, Skyla, would you like a tummy rub to help that pie—”

“Absolutely not,” Shiny replied, rudely cutting me off.

“But I wanna try it!” Skyla said, putting her front hooves on the table so she could stand on the booth. It still didn’t make her taller than her father, but at least she tried.

Shiny turned a very baleful glare toward me. I shrugged. Not sure what he expected from me, since I definitely wanted to rub her soft and fuzzy belly.

“Yeah, they’re the best,” Pinkie said, adding fuel to the fire. “Why wouldn’t you want your filly to try it? That’s silly, Shiny!”

“Skyla, Nav’s words are like venom,” Shiny said. “I told you this over and over every time Eva told you stories. If you let her words get in your head, it’s all over. Why are you listening to her?”

“She’s been nice this whole time, but you keep being mean and saying she’s bad!”

“Not all bad people are mean!” he replied. “Nav’s rarely mean, but that doesn’t mean she’s in any way a good person!”

“She saved Eva! And mommy, apparently!”

“I think you might be better off just giving in, Shiny,” I said. “Isn’t it better that you’re around to watch her first time? Better than it being when it’s just the two of us, right? Or worse, when Mia is around.”

“Sorry, I can’t allow your venom to take hold of me,” he said. “I must stay strong! Skyla, no means no. I’m not allowing you to have a belly rub!”

Skyla fell back into the booth and started sniffling. I sighed and patted her on the head. I managed to sneak in a few ear scritches before Shiny’s magic forced my hand away. Instead, he floated the filly over and hugged her with his ungainly and hard hooves. Her eyes were still locked on my hands. It was only a matter of time before yet another princess belly succumbed to my fingers.

“You know, not all venom is bad,” Pinkie said. “Nav’s words usually help people, these days!”

“I haven’t made anyone cry in despair on purpose in months!” I proudly said, booping Pinkie on the nose. At least, not that I can remember. “You really don’t have to be so wary of me, Shiny. Don’t I look so cute and innocent?”

“You look like a succubus, lewd and evil.”

Skyla kneed her father in the stomach, making him choke out in pain. “Daddy! She’s a sweet and beautiful lady! There’s nothing evil about her, aside from that creepy fake snake!”

“You’re really good at this, Navi,” Pinkie said.

“Well, if I don’t get to rub the filly’s belly, we should probably get out of your hair,” I said. “If you’re here, I figure you’re probably working. I don’t want to upset the Cakes again. Unless Shiny has any more questions about the future?”

“Not at the moment, I don’t think,” he said. “Do you mind if we contact you in the future if we do?”

“I don’t mind at all, Prince Shiny!” she replied, booping him. “Nav or Twilight should be able to find me, unless I find you or them first.”

“Please don’t hide in my shirt again,” I said. “That was not my idea of a good time.”

“Aww, it would be so much more comfy in there now… Oh well.”

I finally slid out of the booth and did my best to stretch as lady-like as possible. It was probably still pretty manly, but all that matters is the attempt. “So, I guess the next stop is town circle, the library, Rainbow Dash’s house if we can find it, and finally Rarity’s pad.”

“You’re not going to visit Fluttershy or Applejack?” Pinkie asked as Shiny and Skyla extricated themselves from the booth.

“I’m showing Skyla the sights around Ponyville. Those two live pretty far out there and their homes aren’t really very touristy.”

“You could take her by Bon-Bon’s candy shop,” Pinkie said. “I’m sure she gets jealous that you come here but never visit them.”

“We could do that, but we ate before we came here and we had pie while talking to you. That’ll be on Shiny.”

“Is Bon-Bon one of your friends?” Shiny asked.

“Her and her wife, yeah,” I said. “I know your wife was at their wedding, but I don’t remember if you made it. Before I met her, I just assumed changelings couldn’t cook.”

“Wait, a changeling that makes candy?” Shiny said. “How’s that work?”

“Right? It’s worth stopping by. We can always just get it to go.”

“Add it to the tour. It’s not like we have any plans in particular.”

That did a little to perk Skyla back up, but she still seemed pretty disappointed about not getting a tummy rub. After we said our goodbyes, she fell into silence and occasionally sent sullen looks at her father. At the moment, he was keeping her on the other side of him so I couldn’t pet her.

Seeing more of Ponyville seemed to cheer her up, though. Several ponies stopped what they were doing to either stare at the young alicorn or to greet me. She ignored the stares and got happier every time anyone spoke to me. Her adoring eyes made me feel pretty nice, to be honest. It also made me want to pet her even more, but I was patient. Shiny would let his guard down eventually.

Eva and Taya joined us when we were heading to the candy shop. Shiny graciously bought stuff for everyone, which definitely made Bonnie’s day. I wasn’t too happy that what he bought for me was candied locusts, but they tasted better than they had any right to. And he got really mad when I gave Skyla one, so I call it a win. She loved it, too, and demanded he get some for her next time.

I’m pretty sure I know who the title of second best princess is going to.

By the time we got to Rarity’s boutique, I was over my dejection from not getting to pet Skyla. Getting to hold hands with my daughters definitely helped. That said, I was very worried that all hell might break loose when we got to Rarity’s place. She would be happy to use all of us as models, so there’s no telling what nonsense she might put us through.

Since there was an open sign on the front, we let ourselves in. I quickly discovered it may have been a mistake, though. The ominous giggling coming from the main room made me want to turn around and walk back out. It had to be really bad for all three of them to be in on it.

Sadly, Skyla darted forward, making enough of a racket to alert them to our presence. The giggles stopped and it sounded like the three of them began rushing around. That was suspicious, so I didn’t resist as my girls dragged me behind Skyla.

When we got to the main room, Rarity was hurriedly putting away what looked like a cheerleader outfit, Cadance was stuffing a maid outfit into a small closet, and Doppel was shoving magazines into a drawer. Thinking or asking about any of that probably would have led to more suffering than necessary, so I decided to leave it be. “Hello again, Rarity,” I said.

“Greetings, my lady,” she replied with a smile. “Welcome to my boutique, Prince Shining Armor and Princess Skyla.”

“There’s no need for honorifics for an element of harmony, you know,” Shiny said.

“I’m greeting you here as a business owner, not an element of harmony,” she replied, keeping on her smooth smile.

“She’s particular about her business,” I said. “Let her do her thing. Speaking of, are my clothes for the pageant ready?”

“Yes, of course,” Rarity said, walking over to one of her side doors. “I’ll need you to try them all on, so come along, Navi. It’s time to play dress-up!”

“I’m watching,” Cadance said, grabbing me with magic and following Rarity. “Shiny, this might take a while. You can walk around Ponyville or wait here. Rarity already gave me permission to let you try on anything that might fit, so feel free!”

Shiny seemed surprised by that, for some reason. “Wait, why would I—”

“I’m watching, too!” Skyla shouted, jumping to follow us.

“Me three!” Eva said as she followed, dragging Taya along behind her.

“Me four, I guess?” Taya muttered, though she did seem a little excited.

“That room is going to be a little too full with any more, so I guess I’ll stay here to help Shiny try on dresses,” Doppel said with a shrug.

His reply was cut off along with my freedom when the door slammed shut behind us and magically locked itself. I hope she helped him pick out a nice one, though. That cheerleader outfit might actually look good on him and he deserved to feel pretty after dealing with me for so long.

“So, I have a proposal,” I said as Rarity started using magic to pick through the numerous racks of clothing she was probably going to shove onto my body. “It would be better for me, as the person wearing these clothes, to see fully how they look when being worn. To that end, I think Eva should turn into me and be our model. That way, I can see myself from every angle.”

“Where’s the fun in that, though?” Rarity asked. The others all nodded, even Taya. I was alone. “If you keep trying to talk your way out of this, I’ll gag you. No need to risk your venom seeping into our ears, after all.”

Darya, I give you permission to take over my body.

“No thank you, I’m good,” she replied.

Darya, please take over my body.

“I would hate to deprive you of such a prized memory, my lady. Think of all the smiles you’ll get from Skyla.”

Flo—

“Have fun, Navi,” Flo replied without even letting me finish.

“Why are you like this, Rarity?” I sighed, my head and wings drooping.

“I learned how to enjoy the suffering of others from watching you, Navi! Now, let’s start with the swim suits!”

Skyla’s adorable giggles were the only thing that kept me going.

Chapter Two Hundred and Twelve

Chapter Two Hundred and Twelve

By the time we got back to the manor in Canterlot, I was mentally and emotionally drained. Every part of me wanted to immediately go sink into a bed. So I drank a few shots of liquor and cuddled my girls to take the edge off. It probably wasn’t the most healthy solution, but it’s better than beating someone to death.

“Cuddles aren’t as much fun as a human,” Taya muttered as she started to squirm a little. “I’m getting all hot and sweaty for some reason… Plus, there’s no belly rubs or ear scritches!”

“You’re the one who wanted to turn into a human,” I said. “What about you, Eva?”

“Changelings don’t sweat, even if we turn into other species. And petting doesn’t do much for us. I like being human more, because I can feel your squishiness!”

“Squish on squish is kinda gross feeling, though,” Taya said, reaching a hand up to jiggle her chest. “What’s with these things, anyway?”

“You’re definitely growing up to be a fine young woman,” I said. “No idea how you look as a pony, but you’re hot enough as a human to be a model. Anyway, I’m mentally well enough to get off the bed now, I think.”

“Do you think we should let her up?” Taya whispered.

“I dunno, I’m pretty comfy,” Eva whispered back. “I can get all the food I need right here, though. What about you?”

“I’m good. Let’s just keep her.”

“‘Kay!” Their grips on me tightened and both started giggling.

Truth be told, I was fine with that. Eating was probably important, but could it ever be as important as cuddling? I think even the most famous scholars would find that one hard to answer.

Sadly, privacy and locks mean little to magical fae. My door clicked open as an invader let herself in. I looked up expecting to see Kat, but instead I was greeted by Twilight. She was looking at the three of us with a raised eyebrow. “I see you’re… cuddling with your daughters,” she said.

“Is that the first thing you say when you break into someone’s room?” I asked. “Not ‘nice to see you’ or ‘how was your day’ or anything? You couldn’t even knock first?”

“...I actually came in to ask why you didn’t tell me my brother was in town. But yes, I could have at least knocked. But I knew you were in here with your daughters, so I didn’t figure there was anything to worry about.”

“Isn’t that a question for your brother, instead? They didn’t even plan on telling Celestia they were here. I had to talk them into it. Oh, and Pinkie is very grateful for the dreams you gave her.”

“Shiny did tell me you met with her on your date with him…”

“My what with him?” I asked, finally sitting up. “Don’t even joke like that, Twilight.”

“Well, that’s just how Cadance described it,” she replied with a shrug. “What else would you call that kind of tour around Ponyville?”

“Skyla seemed excited to see new places, so I wanted to show her some of the sites in Ponyville. Cadance didn’t want to draw a lot of attention as a well-known royal, so she hit up Rarity’s shop instead. Shiny obviously didn’t want to let his filly out of his sight, so he came with us. That’s all there is to it.”

“Hm…”

“As if we’d ever let mommy make that kind of mistake,” Taya said, poking me a few times.

“Cadance was talking about the creampie he gave Nav, though,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, the one he bought from Sugarcube Corner,” I said. “It was pretty good. As he said, why would we go into a bakery and not get something? I considered it payment for showing his filly the sites. Did she also mention the candied locusts he got me?”

“Wait, what? Ew! Where did you even get something like that?”

“Bon-Bon’s shop,” I said. “The rest are over there on the desk, if you want to try them.”

She trotted over to the desk, eyes wide, while I started awkwardly sliding to the edge of the massive bed. Once I got there, I poked Eva on the foot to shock her with the static energy and make her squeak in surprise.

“W-what was that?!” she shouted, looking down at her foot.

“Static electricity,” I replied. “It can build up when you rub fabric on fabric. It can make your hair stand up straight, too. Anyway, what do you think, Twilight? Want to try one?”

“...Why did my brother buy you something like this?” she asked, using magic to lift one out of the bag. “Or did you actually ask for them?”

“He kept needling me and Skyla always jumped to my defense, so I guess he wanted to get back at me or something.”

“How childish.” She finally crunched down on the locust and chewed it for a few moments before her eyes went wide and she shivered. Her horn lit up and some kind of light went off inside her mouth. “The taste isn’t bad, but the texture! Ugh, it’s awful… What did you think, at least?”

“I liked it, but the texture did get to me at first. The best part is that Skyla also enjoyed them. Taya refused to even try.”

“Bugs aren’t for eating,” she said from over on the bed. Since I slid out of their grasp, the two sisters closed the distance and were now cuddling together. Or more accurately, Eva was cuddling Taya, who was acting more or less like a teddy bear.

“Normally I’d agree. I only tried one to spite Shiny for buying them. It ended up being good, so I decided not to let them go to waste. And I made sure to vocalize how good they were so Skyla would ask me to try it. When Shiny said no, I kept egging her on until she threw a fit and made him bend.”

“Nav, you really shouldn’t use your powers against an innocent filly like that,” Twilight said. “Turning her against her father is just mean.”

“What powers? I can fly, I can poison things, and I do kinda have that weird pull, but I don’t remember purposefully using any of those on Skyla.”

“I meant the power of your words. The way you manipulate people. I’m sure it’s even easier on Skyla since she’s so young, but doing that to her so early may mess her up.”

“I resent that accusation.”

“Nav, ten minutes of talking to you got her to call her own father a bully. Another thirty minutes got her to accuse him of abusing his wife. What is that if not harmful?”

“Eva is the one who accused him of bullying me, and he actually was! Skyla just latched onto it because she couldn’t stand to see injustice committed in front of her. And I still don’t know where she got the idea that Shiny was abusing Cadance, but it was almost definitely Taya’s fault.”

“And now you’re blaming your own filly for something you did?”

“No, that actually was me,” my own filly said in my defense. “Nav set up the conversation for it, so I took the shot. Skyla misunderstood exactly the way I thought she would.”

“Taya, don’t cover for her. Nav—”

“I’m not covering for her,” Taya proudly replied. “I thought it would be funny and I was right!”

“It’s mostly just theoretically funny,” I said. “Something you joke about doing, not something you actually do. I mean, sure, it’s also actually funny, but there are risks of long-term consequences. Shiny already has insecurities. Making his filly think poorly of him will make things worse and then Cadance will complain to me about it.”

“Not to mention the risks to Skyla,” Twilight added.

“...That wasn’t very nice, Taya,” Eva said. “Punishment is in order.” Eva quickly used her grasp on Taya to begin mercilessly tickling her.

“So, yeah, not my fault,” I said. “And didn’t they tell you they were coming today?”

“Nobody told me they were coming today,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “Well, whatever. They’re here, even if I was surprised to see them. Why are they staying here instead of the palace, anyway?”

“Cadance was afraid of Newlestia stealing Shiny away. Or worse, Skyla.”

“Why didn’t they just tell me when they got here? I would have happily come back from the bunker to walk around Ponyville!”

“Well, there was the thing with the evil snake and then the future and we ended up just throwing her all over the place, so it was kinda busy. We got up in Ponyville on a whim, you know?”

“Nav… You can’t just say nonsense and pretend it’s an explanation.”

“No, all that really did happen,” Eva said, though she didn’t look up from tickling her sister. “First there was the evil snake, then all that weird future stuff, and we ended up throwing Skyla around! It was a lotta fun!” While she was helpfully backing me up, I was stealthily shoving another seed into my belly button. It would be my last chance for a backup before the pageant started, so I wanted to make sure I had something.

“Now I understand it even less!” Twilight shouted.

“It’s okay, Twiggles,” I said, patting her on the head. “So, you know how Skyla always hated my guts?”

“I figured you were pretending and acting out for laughs.”

“Turns out that her eyes can perceive auras around people. She can see certain aspects of that person’s fate inside of said aura. But since I was created by a monster and don’t have a soul, she just sees a giant snake wrapped around me with its fangs sunk into my throat. She was worried about the snake the whole time. She hasn’t really seen much in the auras around anyone else yet, but we spoke to Athena about it and got some more information plus a few books. Skyla’s eyes can be trained to see all kinds of fun stuff and can help her learn more about that person’s future. Part of the reason I took her to Ponyville was to introduce her to someone with a similar skill.”

“...Thus, the reason you went to the bakery,” Twilight said, nodding slowly. “And what about throwing her around?”

“Oh, we were helping her learn to fly,” I said. “After we spoke to Athena, we had some down time. We went up to play in the clouds, but before we left, Shiny cast a spell called slowfall on Skyla. Since there was no chance of her getting away from us, we could easily toss her and let her practice catching air with her wings. She loved it.”

“Alright, all of that makes sense, even if it’s quite surprising. I have heard of eyes like that, but never a pair that allows a glimpse into the future. Fascinating…”

“I suggest reading the books before you try to study her. Cadance has them now. And if you would, let me know what your experiments find.”

“I… I wasn’t gonna experiment on Skyla!” Twilight said, looking away and blushing. “I just… you know, wanted to ask her some questions…”

“Well, I’m glad you learned from the days when I used to live with you. Shall we head downstairs?”

“Should we stop Eva?”

“No, let the sisters have their fun. The laughter is soothing my soul. Eva, join us downstairs when you’re done.”

“You got it, mommy!” she happily replied. Taya cried tears of joy to play with her sister. Since she was so approving, I left with a smile. “This is why you shouldn’t trick fillies, sister!”

“Is tickling really a punishment?” Twilight muttered as she followed me.

“Would you like to get tickled?” I asked.

“Not me, no, but apparently there are some ponies out there with a fetish for it. I got some letters from a few fans asking me to try it out on you. They gave quite a few interesting suggestions. How do you feel about sybians?”

“...Leery, but willing to talk.” As we walked down the stairs, frantic and desperate laughter gave way to soothing piano music. “I take it the whole crew is back?”

“Zecora, Luna, and Kat are working with some of the guards to deal with one of the stronger ghosts in the bunker,” Twilight said. That sounds a lot more fun than a pageant, that’s for sure.

“I’m surprised you didn’t want to join them.”

“I did want to, but I understand that I would be more of a hindrance than a help in a fight like that. I don’t have much experience fighting in confined spaces. There’s a lot of spells that, if used underground, will have disastrous effects. It’s entirely possible I would use one without thinking. I still wanted to go just to watch, but there are less dangerous spirits in areas with more open spaces further down.”

“If they had let me know, I would have been willing to go.”

“As if they would ever put their lady in danger, especially in a bunker against ghosts. They’ll be fine, Nav. I mean, Luna is there. Worst case scenario, they abandon the idea of cleansing it and just put it in a soul gem instead.”

I could have at least been there to wish them luck. “Anyway, in exchange for the privilege to pet Skyla, I have to rub your brother’s belly. You’re welcome to watch.”

“So relax, Nav,” she replied, completely ignoring me. “Kat will be back to wrapping herself around your arm in no time. And instead of putting your hands on a filly, you can put them on the second oldest mare in existence instead! Since she acts like a spoiled filly, it’ll be basically the same, right?”

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous. I mean, I’m Skyla’s godmother. Of course I’m going to want to pet her!”

“Wait, you’re Skyla’s godmother?” Twilight asked.

“What, that’s what you react to? Yeah, they asked me to do it. Why?”

“I… thought I would… Well, you know!”

Spike’s mental health is a good indicator of why you shouldn’t be allowed to raise a filly on your own. Although I can’t really talk, given Taya’s mental state. “You’re her aunt. I guess Cadance wanted her filly to have some kind of attachment to me. It’s not like I’d be the only one taking care of her in the event something happened.”

“...True. I guess it is better not to think of it. Well, would you mind if I stayed the night, then? It’ll let me spend more time with them.”

“By all means. Also make sure you get them to visit your parents at some point. I’m sure they intend to, but they didn’t seem in a hurry to leave the house today.”

“Of course. I’ll have to talk to them about not letting any of us know, too.”

We were finally getting to the ground floor, so I decided to let that be the end of it. Skyla was sitting behind Spider, watching him play with figurative stars in her eyes. Cadance was next to her, watching with much less interest. Shiny was nowhere to be seen.

Neither of the listeners seemed to notice us yet, so I used it as an opportunity to sneak up behind Cadance and turn one of her ears inside out. She immediately smacked me with a wing and flicked the ear to straighten it. “I let you sneak up on me and this is the repayment I get?” she whispered, glaring at me. “At least scritch them instead!”

I rolled my eyes and did just that, making her sigh in delight. Twilight gently cleared her throat, so I put my other hand to use on her. Skyla paid us no mind, so there was no way to make her jealous. “I guess she really likes the piano. Or is it spiders?”

“This is the first time she’s seen a piano or a spider, so probably both,” Cadance said. “Trust me, she’ll get tired of the piano eventually. The Princess Training Camp will knock that right out of her. Four hours a day, every day, for two weeks straight… Ugh.” That seemed like a traumatic memory, so I chose not to ask and instead focused on her ear.

When Spider’s song ended, Skyla started clapping. Spider jumped and spun around, finally noticing his audience. All eight of his eyes widened and he did the spider version of bowing. “M-my lady… Your highness…”

“That was amazing!” Skyla said. “I didn’t know spiders could play the piano! Or talk! Why don’t we have talking, piano-playing spiders?”

“U-um…?” Spider didn’t know how to react, which wasn’t too surprising.

“Spider, this is Skyla, Cadance’s daughter,” I said. “Apparently she’s never seen a piano or a giant talking spider.”

“Oh, I’m not that large,” he said, shaking his head. “One of my cousins is bigger than this piano.”

“What?! No way!”

“...Please tell me that’s not true,” Cadance said, looking at me with despair across her face.

“Bigger than the piano and as tall as the house, I’m afraid,” I replied with a sigh. “Legs thicker than my body, eyes larger than my head, and brimming with enough rage to put a thousand angsty preteens to shame. Not a fun time, trust me.”

“I don’t know if I want to live on this planet anymore,” she muttered, looking down.

Excellent, I got Cadance on board with the abandon ship plan! “My personal recommendation is to never go to the southern hemisphere of the planet. There’s nothing there for either of you. Africa’s a mess and you can’t use magic much further in than the coast. South America is full of terrifying spiders and even scarier lovey-dovey monkeys. Australia is literally hell. Antarctica is full of undead.”

“You really have been all over the world, huh?” Skyla asked.

“I’ve seen a lot of it, yeah,” I replied, booping her. “If you like the piano, Spider knows several other songs. I’m sure he’d be happy to play more.”

“Would you… Wait, your name is Spider?”

“Y-yes… I am called Spider.”

“Wow, that’s so easy to remember! I love it! Would you really play more, Spider?”

“If that is as you wish.” Before I could tell him I’d rather know if he actually wanted to or not, he swung around and started playing again. Skyla was immediately engrossed.

“We can probably leave them to it, if you want,” I said.

“Yes, I think I’ll join you in the sun room,” Cadance said. “Shall we?”

I led the charge as we moved to the next room. Pretty much all my subjects were gathered there, which was convenient. “Welcome back, everyone,” I said. “As I’m sure some of you may have noticed, we’ll be having even more royalty staying with us for a little while. You can basically just ignore them, though. Except for Skyla, because she’s too adorable to ignore.”

“Am I not adorable enough?” Cadance asked, tugging at my sleeve and looking up at me with watery eyes.

“You’re married. I wouldn’t ask anyone to pay attention to a married mare, no matter how adorable she may or may not be. So, any questions from the crowd?”

“Can we play with Princess Skyla?” Gloomy asked.

“Only with parental supervision,” Cadance replied.

“Does… Princess Celestia know they’re staying here?” Silver Quill asked. “I figured they would be staying in the palace…”

“Celestia knows,” I said. “She’s cool with it.”

“Can I hug and pet Princess Skyla?” Spike asked.

“Yes to hugging, but you have to rub Shiny’s belly for permission to pet her,” Cadance said.

“Wait, what?!” Shiny shouted, finally jumping out of his seat.

“We already agreed to that, remember?” I said. My eyes turned cold and my smile went up a few notches. “Tonight. You.”

“W-what…” He looked around, but nobody else seemed to notice a thing. Or if they did, they knew better than to get involved. Sweat started to bead on his brow.

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t mind,” Spike said with a shrug. “His tummy does seem pretty fluffy…” Shiny flinched and started sweating even more.

“I also have a question,” Twilight said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“We thought Nav would tell you,” Cadance said.

“You thought Nav would tell me? Nav? Are we talking about the same person?”

“We decided it in a hurry,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “We only thought to send a note to the person we would be staying with. Let’s say we were hoping she would spread the word.”

“Twilight wasn’t here when I opened the letter, but what’s done is done,” I said. “What matters from here on is what you do next. And my recommendation is to go visit your parents. If not now, then tomorrow.”

“I asked Spike to send them a letter telling them you’re here,” Twilight said. “So it’s entirely possible they’ll visit us instead.”

“No, that would be unlikely,” Shiny said. “If Nav were a commoner, maybe. But there are usually rules for visiting nobles you aren’t close with. They’d need to send a notice at least a day in advance of any meeting. We were planning on stopping by tomorrow morning, but if they already know we’re here, we might drop by after dinner.”

“I’m sure if we asked, they’d let us eat with them,” Cadance said with a warm smile.

“Oh no, terrible idea,” Twilight said.

“Trust us on this, we’re better off waiting until after,” Shiny said. “They’re great parents, but awful at cooking. What’s worse is that neither of them even realizes how bad they are.”

“My life changed the moment I first sat down at the lunch table in Celestia’s school,” Twilight said, her eyes taking on a faraway look. “I had read about it in books, but finally experiencing it in my own life nearly brought tears to my eyes… Flavor… Well, after that, I resolved to learn to cook at least one thing well, so I would never become like them.”

“Wait, you can cook?” I asked. “I lived with you for years and I never once saw you behind a stove.”

“I became a sandwich expert,” she replied with a proud grin.

“Fair enough. Anyway, any more questions?”

“Do we have to pet Skyla if we want to rub Shiny’s belly?” Gloomy asked.

“It’s not a requirement, but… why wouldn’t you want to pet her?” Cadance asked.

“I have hooves, silly! But I think he’ll make cute faces if I play with his tummy, so I wanna do it!”

“I mean, it’s not like I have a monopoly on it,” I said with a shrug. “This one’s up to you, Cadance.”

“Why not me?!” Shiny shouted.

“I have to be careful about letting mares touch my husband, so I’ll have to decline this time,” Cadance said.

“Why am I always ignored?!”

“Shiny, you’d be a lot more convincing without that smile on your face,” I said. His body froze in shock. After a few seconds, a hoof slowly lifted to his face so he could feel the sloppy smile for himself. When he finally realized it, he gasped.

“...Get it together, brother,” Twilight said, shaking her head.

“He’s perfect exactly the way he is!” Cadance said.

“So, that was the last question I’ll be taking for now,” I said. “Supper should be soon.”

“You mean dinner,” Doppel said, popping up from behind me.

“Sure, that too,” I said, patting her on the head. “Silver Quill, do you have any big updates for me?”

“I’ve finished with my audit of the changeling gem mine you have a stake in,” she replied. “The short version is that it’s worth a lot. Would you like the detailed version?”

“No, if you just start spouting numbers at me, I’ll probably mentally check out. Were you alright working in a changeling hive?”

“It took an hour or two to get used to, but ponies on leashes are better than ponies in cages, especially when it’s other ponies instead of me. I had to have a few guards so none of the changelings would try to leash me, which was kind of strange. Oh, and they invited me to…” A small blush lit up her face. “W-well… an experimental changeling facility, one you apparently sponsored yourself.”

“If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, we’re going to have one of those in our village,” I said. “What did you think?”

“I… I enjoyed myself, my lady…”

“Glad to hear it.” At least my accountant is on board with the changeling brothel.

“I’m suddenly quite interested in this facility that Navi sponsored,” Cadance said, wrapping a wing around my back to bring me close… and keep me there. “Would you please explain the details?”

“I will tell you more later,” I said. I didn’t want to risk traumatizing Silver again by letting everyone know she went to a whorehouse, so I decided to change the subject. “Watcher, I heard Zecora’s taking on a pretty bad undead right now. Is there any info you can give me on that?” Like, for example, why you’re here instead of helping.

“They have a good team, my lady,” he said. “They’ll be fine. It might take ‘em a while, though. I wanted to help, but there was limited space and so we decided to focus on a more defense-oriented group.”

“Then why is Kat there?” I asked.

“Scouting purposes. She’ll make sure none of the wandering spirits catch those who are fighting unawares.”

“She’d also probably make a pretty good cheerleader, with that lewd body of hers,” I said. “I need to train up with this new body so I can go out on the next hunt.”

“I’m not sure how Luna will feel about taking you as well,” Watcher said.

“That’s what direct orders are for.” I was suddenly enveloped by even more limbs. This time, one daughter was holding onto my back while the other was clinging to the arm on the other side of Cadance. I was now in the grasp of three dangerous predators. Escape was unlikely. “So, done with the punishment?” I warmly asked.

“I’m tired of getting tickled, mommy,” Taya whispered from behind me. Her voice sent shivers down my spine. “I think I’d like to be the one doing the tickling, soon. Oh yes, very soon…”

“Did you enjoy yourself, Eva?” I asked, doing my best to keep the grin on my face.

“Yes, tickling is the best! That’s why I wanna do it even more. And you know, we had a thought… Tickling somebody together, as sisters, would surely help us bond! Don’t you agree, mommy?”

“I think Skyla is the perfect target for you two to work with,” I said. “She could use two reliable older sisters in her life, especially if her parents are these two.”

“You know, I like the idea of watching someone get tickled,” Cadance said, her wing around me tightening. “But I’m not sure if my filly would be the best target…”

“You’re right, Shiny has more surface area,” I said, nodding. “Go for him, instead.”

“Don’t worry, mommy,” Taya whispered. “There’s no reason to panic…”

“I’m not panicking,” I calmly replied. “I’m just offering good suggestions for your target. I think Gloomy would also be fun to tickle.”

“Wha… You’re obviously just trying to save your own skin!” Gloomy shouted.

“You didn’t have any problems when I said Shiny or Skyla, so you have no right to speak up now,” I replied. “But we’ll put it to a vote. Who thinks Skyla should be the tickle target?” My hand was the only one that shot up. “Alright, who thinks—”

“I volunteer Nav,” Shiny called out, lifting a hoof. “All in favor?” Everyone else lifted an appendage.

“Man, good thing we don’t live in a democracy,” I said. “As the local ruling lady, I declare all votes for me as invalid. That means Skyla wins, right?”

“Tonight. You.” Taya’s breath was hot and uncomfortable in my ear, making me squeak just a little.

“Don’t worry, mommy,” Eva said with a giggle. “We’re just gonna play with you.”

“Both of you are too cute to be saying things that sound so ominous,” I said. “Maybe I should punish you with an early bed time…”

“Nothing will save you,” Taya whispered. With that, she finally released me and swung around to face me from the front. Now she was wearing a bright smile. “Cheer up, mommy! Don’t you wanna play with your fillies?” She wrapped me in another hug, which kinda made me feel uncomfortable. But she was my precious daughter, so I dealt with it.

“Of course, I always cherish my time with you two,” I said. I wanted to hug her back, but I couldn’t really move either arm.

“By the way, why is a married mare clinging to you so shamelessly?” Taya asked.

“I’m a woman and Cadance isn’t a carpet muncher, so it doesn’t count,” I said. “Other than that, who am I to question the will of a princess? Especially one who’s cruising toward a promotion to goddess?”

“Wait, what now?” Twilight asked.

“That’s something Athena and Hera said when they saw Cadance,” I said. “They called her a superior model that had the potential to become the goddess of love. They also said it’s possible Skyla could become the goddess of fate, in time.”

“They had the audacity to call me an inferior model!” Shiny shouted. “Can you believe that?”

“Yes, quite easily,” Twilight said. “First, because they’re old, ornery, and far too blunt. Second, because it’s literally true. Alicorns are superior to normal ponies like us in every way. I mean, it only makes sense if you think about how our species was made.”

“...That’s exactly what Nav said,” Shiny muttered.

“So how does one become a goddess, anyway?” Twilight asked.

“They gave Cadance a book about it,” I said. “It has all the conditions for godhood in it. I recommend reading it when she’s done with it.”

“I don’t know if I want to read it, to be honest,” Cadance said.

“Then I’ll borrow it,” Twilight said. “I definitely wanna read it!”

“Now then, I’m starting to get uncomfortably warm,” I said. “Am I allowed to sit down, or are you three still having fun?”

“I’d actually like to borrow one of your fillies for a few minutes,” Cadance said. “I’ll allow you to sit down while I discuss secret tickling techniques.” Cadance finally released me and looked to Taya. “Would you mind coming with me for a few minutes?”

Taya seemed reluctant to let go, but now that one of my hands was free, I could finally push her back. “She wouldn’t mind at all,” I said. “Taya, be a good filly.”

“...Yes, mommy,” she whispered, before allowing Cadance to drag her away. I assumed Cadance would be talking about how she called Taya scary, but maybe I was wrong. Now that the path was clear, I pulled Eva along to a chair at Shiny’s table. I didn’t really want to join him, but I figured Twilight would.

A part of me was expecting Eva to plop herself down in my lap, but she took the chair between me and Spike instead. Twiggles sat next to Shiny. Doppel started doling out drinks and whatnot to all the tables.

“So, one of the things we toured while we were out there was the academy site,” I said. “Did you know they were planning on putting a statue of me there?”

“Were planning?” Twilight asked. “I thought that was the one thing all of them agreed on?”

“I overruled it. I don’t need more likenesses of myself out there.”

“Huh. That’s a shame… Can I have the small statue they used as a model, then?”

“It’s not mine to give away,” I said.

“What would you even do with something like that?” Shiny asked.

“Use it to model clothes I want to give her,” Twilight said.

“How’s faculty selection coming along?” I asked.

“Celestia’s already picked the ones she wants for all of the fields she’s suggesting. I’ve interviewed several candidates who I think would suit what you’re looking for. By the time the college is actually built, we should have everyone we need. There are a few I’d like you to meet, though. Specifically, the ones who will be teaching the courses on human technology. As I’m sure you can expect, most of them are… unusual.”

“They’d have to be, to want to work with stuff like that,” Shiny said.

“I should be able to meet them. Unusual people are usually pretty interesting. If all else fails, I can tame them with a tummy rub.”

“Speaking of which, you mentioned earlier about giving one to a certain slutty brother of mine,” Twilight said. Shiny’s face lit up bright red.

“Yep, I’m looking forward to it,” I said. “You’re welcome to watch to make sure I don’t do anything inappropriate.”

“WHA—No, she can’t!” Shiny quickly said, butting his way into a private conversation.

“That makes it sound like you have something to hide, dearest brother of mine,” Twilight said with a big smile. “Why can’t I watch, hm?”

“B-because… Because Cadance is watching to make sure she behaves!”

“Cadance has a bad track record of keeping you two under control,” Twilight said. “I was told in quite explicit details how you two conspired to get Nav drunk on lust and take advantage of her. So if Cadance is the only one there to supervise you, how am I supposed to think you can keep yourself under control?”

“I mean, I’ll be there, too,” Spike said. “I wanna pet Skyla, and that means rubbing Shiny’s belly.”

“Aren’t you just as much of a harlot as Nav, though?” Eva innocently asked.

“No, he’s not that bad yet,” I replied. “Don’t worry, Twilight. I won’t let anything weird happen. Although I’m sure Shiny would appreciate certain… aspects of dragon anatomy.”

“Don’t you say another word,” Shiny growled.

“I still don’t see any reason I can’t watch,” Twilight said. “If nothing inappropriate will be happening, I can just join you in having my belly rubbed. Then you’ll feel less awkward, right?”

“I… But…”

“Maybe he wants his first time to be private and special?” I said. “That’s so cute, Shiny!”

“That’s not it!” he shouted. “Ugh, what is wrong with you?!”

“Ask me again when you’re not smiling like that.” His ears shot down and he looked away, trying to hide the sleazy smile. “Alright then, Twilight’s watching. That way nothing weird will happen.”

Or, alternately, something even weirder will happen.

“It’s just a belly rub, right?” Spike asked. “You’re making such a big deal over it.”

“That’s because Shiny’s fun to tease,” Eva said. “Isn’t he so adorable sometimes?”

“Only in a no-homo sorta way,” I said. “But yeah, he’s low-hanging fruit.”

“I’ve been telling you since you were a colt that you needed to get better at hiding your reactions,” Twilight said, looking at her blushing brother. “Really, this is your own fault.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t support me anyway!”

“Stop picking on my brother for now, please,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Though you should stop hiding from it, Shiny. If you admit you like it, she’ll probably leave you alone.”

“Yeah, but then he couldn’t enjoy it anymore,” Eva said. “So he has to keep pretending, right?”

“Alas, poor Shiny,” I said, shaking my head sadly.

“I said please,” Twilight quickly added.

“Right, you did,” I said. “We’ll stop. For now. So, Eva, Taya will probably be taking young lady classes soon. Basically, to teach her proper noble manners. Would you like to take the classes alongside her?”

“I already passed all of them, but taking them again with Taya would be fun!” she said. “We also passed the young lord classes. Learning both was pretty neat. I could help her practice dancing!”

“That would be… something,” I said.

“You’re taking them too, right?” Spike asked.

“Nah, I’m not about that life,” I replied.

“What? But we could take the classes as a family!” Eva shouted.

“Those rules are designed for those who are equine-shaped,” I said. “Everything is different because of my body shape. I’d rather put my time to better use.”

“Sounds like an excuse,” Shiny said.

“Of course it is,” Twilight said. “Nav can come up with a dozen of them at the drop of a hat.”

“You make me out to be quite the character,” I said with a sad sigh. “What makes you so quick to assume it’s not the truth?”

“It is the truth, and that’s what’s so insidious about it,” Twilight said. “If you take it at face-value, you’ll think that’s all there is to it. But we all know the real truth is that you just couldn’t be bothered. Right?” Everyone at the table nodded. Even my daughter betrayed me by agreeing. “Nav, if you can’t be bothered, that’s fine. You’re a national hero. It’s alright if you don’t have the perfect behavior. But you should be honest about it, you know?”

“When the truth sounds bad, excuses usually sound better,” I said. “People got tired of hearing the blunt truth, so I started trying to sugarcoat things. Apparently people don’t like that, either. I’m starting to get a little confused.”

“Can’t you just be yourself?” Spike asked.

“What, and lose the few friends I managed to obtain?” I asked. “No thanks. Better to keep wearing masks. Wear one long enough and you start to become it.”

“Isn’t that unhealthy, mommy?” Eva asked.

“No, it’s for the best,” I said. “I spent a long time trying to be myself. Most people didn’t like that person. So I’m trying not to be myself anymore. It doesn’t seem to be going well, but maybe I’m wrong.”

“So, what, you’re just naturally bitter and angry?” Spike asked. “I just thought you were like that because you had to deal with ponies all the time.”

“Well, that was certainly a part of it,” I said with a sigh. “You’re lucky that ponies are all you really know, Spike. You’d probably be crazy if you could live in human society for a little while and then get forced to come back.”

“They aren’t all that bad,” Eva said. “But Ponyville and Canterlot seem worse than the Crystal Empire.”

“Yeah, that’s a fair point,” I said. “I keep forgetting that Ponyville is Celestia’s eugenics project.”

“Do you really think I’ll let you change the subject that easily?” Twilight asked. “Are ponies really that bad, Nav?”

“Not all of them,” I said. “But compared to most humans, fae are excitable and volatile. And the fact that all fae naturally become obsessed with humans didn’t help. I’ve seen unpleasant sides of a lot of races. I just have more bad experiences with ponies. Anyway, to get back to the point, I’m surrounded by ponies more or less all the time, so being bitter and angry about it isn’t healthy. Changing myself is a better use of my energy than being angry and whatnot. Hopefully I’m less unpleasant now.”

“You’re cuter, at least,” Spike said.

“Despite all the barbs, you’re better now,” Shiny said with a nod.

“You’re definitely happier now,” Eva said, though she was frowning. “But… is that really alright?”

“I dunno, probably?” I said. “Spike and Twiggles have known me the longest, and at least half of them think I’m better now. That means there’s a fifty to a hundred percent increase!”

“I think your math might be off,” Twilight said. “And I do like most of the changes you’ve been through, even if none of us are happy about the sources of those changes.”

“So, it’s a one hundred percent increase,” I said. “That means it’s probably alright, Eva.”

“Hm. I think Taya and I will need to discuss this later…”

“Do what you must, as long as you’re cute while doing it,” I said, patting her head. “Twilight, we’re diving back into the book tomorrow, but this time we’re bringing Skyla. Do you have any thoughts on who else should go?”

“You and Cadance, obviously,” Twilight replied.

“Is it really just limited to three?” Shiny asked.

“Apparently it’s a kind of defense mechanism,” I said. “I think the limit was higher when I found the book, but when she learned about the Tower, she decreased it.”

“Well… Is there any reason it can’t be me, Cadance, and Skyla?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “If you go in without someone who’s completed the maze, you have to walk it yourself. That means me, Twiggles, Luna, Celestia, Taya, Kat, or Jak. I do think you and Cadance would have a pretty good chance to make it through, but I also think it’s not worth the risk. And of your options for available escorts, only I have the ability to stop Hera from foalnapping your filly.”

“...Then yes, Cadance is probably the best choice,” Shiny muttered, looking away.

“You can show Twilight the outfit you picked out at Rarity’s shop while we were out,” Eva said with an innocent smile.

“...Brother?” Twilight sweetly asked, shooting him quite the intense gaze.

“I-it was for Cadance!” he shouted.

“Nav?” Twilight asked, her scary eyes turning to me.

“I don’t know. I was too out of it after being used as Rarity’s doll. I didn’t come to until just a few minutes before you broke into my room.”

“She was mostly comatose,” Eva said. “We had to lure her to bed with promises of cuddles.”

“Why not just teleport her?” Twilight asked.

“Because it’s not as cute,” Eva replied with a shrug. I wonder if this is how Lot felt, the morning after. I’m guessing he probably felt worse, given the hangover…

“Doppel did say something about helping him try on dresses,” I said. “But that’s about all I know.”

Twilight sighed and hung her head. “Maybe mom was right…”

“Wait, right about what?” Shiny asked.

“Well, she was pretty surprised when you started dating Princess Cadance,” Twilight said.

“Of course she was,” Shiny said. “I mean, I was dating a princess!”

“Yes, exactly,” Twilight said with a nod. “She was kinda thinking you’d go for Prince Blueblood instead.” Shiny’s mouth dropped.

“Twilight, don’t be rude,” I said. “You shouldn’t confuse your brother’s weird fetish with him being gay. He’s just kinky.”

“...I know you’re speaking in defense of him right now, but I really think he wishes you weren’t,” Spike said. Shiny’s face was a shade of red I hadn’t seen in a while and his eyes kept shifting all over the place. His ears were super twitchy, too.

“I don’t know why he’s blushing like that,” Eva said. “Basically everyone in the Crystal Empire knows after a few guards and servants walked into the wrong room at the wrong time. Isn’t it common knowledge here, too?”

“Didn’t you all agree to stop bullying him?” Spike asked.

“Oh, you’re right,” I said. “Man, it’s just so easy that we kinda default to it… Ah well. So, Twilight, how was your day working with the spooky scaries?”

Boring slice of life conversations are less interesting than bullying Shiny, but I guess they’re what living a slice of life is all about. Not that they’re any less forgettable.

After dinner, several of us convened in the bedroom that Shiny and Cadance would be using. “C-cadance, maybe we should talk about this,” Shiny said, nervously eyeing me and Spike. “I… I mean, why are we even agreeing to let them pet our filly, anyway?!”

“Because it feels good, duh,” Twilight said from her spot on the bed. She patted the space next to her. “So lie down and assume the position, silly!”

“She’s right, like usual,” Cadance said. “Why wouldn’t we want to let them pet Skyla? I just thought we should get something out of the exchange, too! So join us on the bed and show that tummy, dear!”

“Who gets his first?” Doppel asked.

“I think the honor should go to Nav, if I’m honest,” Spike said. “His first should be with the best of us, after all. I don’t mind rubbing Twilight’s belly, if you’re fine with a married mare.”

“Why is Doppel even here?!” Shiny shouted, glaring at my maid.

“Don’t be racist, brother,” Twilight said. “There’s nothing weird about the maid who looked after Skyla for so long wanting permission to pet her.”

“I’m also pretty confused about why Spike and Twilight are here, but I’m choosing not to worry about it,” Cadance said. “So don’t you worry about a thing either, honey. Just let this happen. You’ll have fun, I promise!”

“It’s not like anyone will judge you out loud for it,” I said. “Your wife and sister are already patiently awaiting their rubs, Shiny. Can they really say anything after going through it themselves?”

“B-but—”

“No, just your tummy,” I said, booping him. “There’s nothing to be worried about, Shiny. The longer you delay this, the more anxious you’ll be! Once you surrender yourself to my hands, you’ll discover there was never anything to be worried about in the first place.”

“C-can’t we just… give them p-permission?” he asked, his ears twitching.

“Shiny, you can’t just capitulate to the nobles,” Cadance said. “I know you’ve already taken this lesson to heart. If they are to be given any privileges, they have to earn them.”

“It’s the natural state of things, really,” Twilight added with a nod. “And so is receiving belly rubs. As ponies, it’s our duty to placate these vicious predators. The easiest way of doing so is to show off our submissive nature, thus discouraging them from hostility. Allowing them access to our tummy is the best way of accomplishing this, since it’s where we are most vulnerable. This is simple Biology 101, brother.”

“That seems totally made up!” he shouted.

“I dunno, honey,” Cadance said. “Twilight’s pretty smart. If she says so, I can’t help but believe her. I do know that you’re trying to stall for some reason, though. It’s just us here, Shiny. Nobody else is coming, I promise. Stalling just means you don’t get to enjoy it for as long.”

“Spike, it seems my target is being uncooperative,” I said. “Would you mind lending me a helping claw?”

“Of course, Navi!” he replied. Shiny didn’t even have time to react before his body was flying toward the bed. Spike was obviously practicing, because Shiny landed perfectly between his wife and sister, both of whom giggled and locked legs with him to stop him from resisting. All three tummies were bared before me, ripe for the rubbing.

“A-are you really gonna do this, Nav?” Shiny said. “Give me a non-consensual tummy rub?”

“You don’t have to be so dramatic about it,” I said. “As if that smile on your face didn’t give it away. At least some parts of you are enjoying this, I know that for sure.”

“Putting on a show of fighting back is unnecessary, honey,” Cadance said. “Like Nav told you, none of us will judge you out loud!”

“Well, unless you try to make it weird,” Twilight said. “Otherwise, we’ll keep our judgment to ourselves.”

“Let’s get started, shall we?” Doppel asked, an arm growing out of the top of her head. It swiftly approached Cadance’s belly. Spike took a moment to use fire on his claws to warm them up before using them on Twilight. Both ponies quickly started whimpering in delight, though they held their iron grip on Shiny’s legs.

I will note that absolutely nothing was stopping him from using magic to get out of the situation. If he put his mind to it, he could probably escape from Twilight’s grasp pretty easily, too. He was choosing to be there, which meant the smile on my face might have turned somewhat… venomous.

“I’ll make sure to take my time so you can really enjoy it,” I whispered as my hand finally connected with his fluffy yet toned belly. It immediately earned a low groan from him. “And so my hands have finally conquered their first prince. I can’t wait to brag to everyone about it!”

Shiny’s face was bright red as I turned him into a tummy slut. My hand slowly rubbed up and down, making him whimper with each stroke. “T-this is… t-torture!” he whispered, tears welling to his eyes.

“I know it’s difficult for you to stay soft, but you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of Twiley, do you?” I sweetly replied. “Just take it, Shiny. Take it like the little whore you are.”

“Oh, N-nav…”

“Is it really okay for your husband to groan out another woman’s name?” Doppel asked as she toyed with the belly of a married mare.

“He has permission for Nav,” Cadance asked. “Mm, lower… If he starts moaning Twilight’s name or your name, we’ll have a problem.”

“Mmm, such a good little pony,” I whispered as I continued having my way with his belly. “Such a good little pony with such a fluffy belly…”

“Hm, fluffy but not soft?” Twilight asked, though her voice was a little uneven.

“You shouldn’t expect a trained stallion to have the same tummy consistency as a nerdy mage,” I said. “Spike, how’s that soft squishiness treating you?”

“I wish I had fingers like yours in moments like this,” he replied with a sigh. “I can definitely feel the squish when my claws sink in, but I don’t think it’s the same as how you feel things.”

“We should get Twilight to turn you into a human one day,” I said. “You could rub their bellies again and compare it. Luna’s belly is similar in consistency to Shiny’s, but hers is nicer.”

“H-hey!” Shiny said, twitching about but unable to do more.

“What, jealous?” I asked with a deep smile. “It’s not your fault I prefer a mare’s tummy. But you know, a stallion is fine, too…” He whimpered and looked away, his ears drooping down. It was so cute that I couldn’t stop myself from booping him. “Oh Shiny, you’re just too adorable… Ah, it’s a shame the stones malfunctioned on me instead…”

“Rarity mentioned that he makes for quite the inspiration,” Cadance said. “Although I’m sure seeing you with Braeburn back then probably did a lot to help her, too.”

“Yes, I’m sure Rarity would be delighted to work her magic on a canvas this fine,” I said, smirking down at the blushing stallion under my hands. “Cute expressions, feminine hair, no excessive facial hair… Aside from the semi-masculine face, he’d make a good trap. I think enough makeup would hide that, too. I bet you could easily trick a few stallions, Shiny!”

“No need for him to trick them,” Doppel said. “I’ve heard a few of the male servants in the castle whispering about how they’d like to toy with him. A few thought he’d make an excellent maid!”

“Hm, aside from the wings… Shiny’s about the same size as Aurora, don’t you think?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, I bet one of those maid outfits would be the perfect size,” Doppel said with a nod.

“Thank you for the valuable information,” Cadance said. “Now, Shiny’s tummy has been rubbed. Don’t you think it’s time to switch? I wanna feel Nav’s fingers again!”

“I’m trying to make his first time special,” I said. “He’s been stuck biting his lip for a while now… I was kinda hoping to provoke a more… pronounced reaction. What’s the matter, Shiny? Doesn’t it feel good, or even natural, to submit before me?” My hand finally pushed down harder as I started to get a little more rough with him. He moaned immediately before trying to hide his face in his wife’s mane. “Oh? Perhaps being gentle for your first time was unbecoming of me… Or perhaps, despite your looks and behaviors, I shouldn’t treat you the same as I would a mare…” The poor guy was starting to pant. His entire body was twitching and his eyes were completely unfocused. At this point, he might not even be able to talk anymore.

“It’s good to know that even stallions can’t resist,” Twilight said. “Although… An older sister might not be so bad!”

“You need to teach Cadance the spell to become a changeling,” I said. “They can use it to have all kinds of fun!”

“Oh, definitely!” Cadance said. “Nav’s told me so much about other species I’d like to experience for myself. Though with enough time, I’ll probably learn how to transform in my dreams, too.”

“I really do need more practice rubbing bellies,” Doppel said, sounding disappointed. “I’m doing my best, but you’re barely even blushing! Meanwhile, Shiny can’t even talk anymore…”

“More practice is always good,” I said. “But at the moment, I think Shiny might be broken… You think it’s a good time to swap?”

“If he spends any more time with you, you might end up with a mess on your hands,” Spike said. “But uh… I’m not sure I wanna pet him next.”

“I’ll take Twilight, you take Cadance, and Doppel can continue sadistically teasing Shiny,” I said. And so, like that, we all swapped partners. “So, glad you joined us, Twilight?”

“Someone had to make sure things didn’t get weird,” she said, finally releasing Shiny. He made no attempt to pull away from Doppel as she attempted to work some manner of magic on his exhausted tummy. “I have a feeling you’ve basically ruined Spike at this point. Cadance has been a lost cause since she moved out of your place. Doppel is right out, of course. If it was just the four of you in a room with him, I’m sure something terrible would have happened to my brother…”

“Something terrible, maybe, but nothing he wouldn’t enjoy.”

“What do you mean, lost cause?” Cadance asked from across her husband.

“And I object to being called ruined,” Spike added.

“I have no defense for myself and accept your judgment as sound,” Doppel said. “But I’m with Nav with this one: It may have been terrible, but Shiny would have loved it.”

Shiny had his own moan to share, which meant Doppel was either right or getting better at belly rubs. Soon enough, she’ll have yet another way to seduce ponies.

“I don’t think the Cadance who babysat me when I was a filly would have ever let so many others play with her husband, for one thing,” Twilight said. “She wouldn’t be so weird, lewd, kinky, or open about all of it. Being around Nav messed you up. But that’s fine, because she messed all of us up.”

“It’s almost like you don’t like belly rubs,” I said. “Would you like me to move back to your brother?”

“No, I was wrong and I apologize,” Twilight said. I wasn’t expecting her to immediately capitulate, but I shrugged and continued petting her. “And Spike, you were usually so gentle and calm when you lived with me, but a few months of living with Nav roughened several of your edges. But that’s fine, because she roughened all of our edges.”

“Most of my emotions may be muted and deadened due to trauma, but that doesn’t mean my feelings can’t get hurt,” I said. “I might have to stop rubbing this soft tummy so I can start crying instead…”

“I apologize and to prove I mean it, I’ll pay with my body,” Twilight replied. “Feel free to rub my belly until your pained heart is at ease!”

“And the little filly I once babysat never would have offered to pay with her body,” Cadance replied with a sigh of nostalgia. “Ah, the boring ol’ days… Hm, Spike, lower…” He obeyed and Cadance gasped lightly before sighing again. “Being a lost cause isn’t all bad, I suppose…”

“And getting ruined by Nav is normal for fae, right?” Spike asked. “Really, the weird ones are those who aren’t getting dragged along in her wake. So cheer up, Shiny. Submitting to her wonderful hands is the natural state of things.”

“I’m eternally grateful to serve under you, my lady,” Doppel said. “My joy at having been here for this moment will stay with me forever.”

“Being messed up by Nav isn’t so bad, right?” Twilight said with a smirk as my hands continued their work. “Mmm, belly rubs truly are the best… Oh, Cadance, Eva mentioned something earlier, about Shiny picking up an outfit from Rarity. Would you know anything about that?”

“It was two, actually,” Cadance replied. “I think they’re the perfect fit for him, if I’m honest!”

“Thank you, that answered my question,” Twilight said with a sigh.

“Are they actually for him?” Spike asked.

“That’s not a rabbit hole we should explore with his sister right here,” I said. “Or at the very least, let me redouble my efforts for a moment or two so she loses herself to it.” My hand started going into overdrive, making Twilight moan and give up on trying to talk. One of her hooves pushed against my hand on her tummy, though she did nothing to stop it. The other went behind her head so she could look up at me with a very lewd expression. It was clear that my mare was enjoying herself.

“I’m with my lady on this one,” Doppel said. “It can wait until Twilight and Nav leave.”

“Wait, why are we staying?” Spike asked.

“So things can get weird, obviously,” Doppel replied. “Nav’s not interested in married couples and Twilight’s not interested in incest, so obviously they won’t be involved.”

“...I think I might join them when they leave, actually,” Spike muttered, his eyes moving down to the married mare his claws were all over.

“But then your question might never get answered,” Cadance sweetly replied. Her eyes weren’t quite as lusty as Twilight’s, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t mind getting some dragon dick. If so, that meant Cadance really had changed. When I first met her, she judged me like crazy for having sex with one.

“...So this is what it means to be a lost cause, I guess?” Spike said.

“I’m sure Nav taught you how to do some ruining of your own!”

“Isn’t he like family to Shiny, though?” I asked. “I know things might get weird, but that might be a little too weird.”

“Well, we can talk about it after you two leave,” Doppel said with a shrug. “I’m totally cool with it, myself. It’s all the same to my tentacles.”

“How would a squid be any fun in bed?” Spike asked.

“Retract that question or I’ll answer it,” I threatened.

“No, I refuse,” he said. “You got me curious now.”

“Squids like warm and moist places,” I said. “They also have no bones at all and can squeeze through basically any space that their beak can fit into. And once through, they can expand. I’ve unfortunately seen a video where one shoved its entire body inside of a woman.”

“Wait, squids have beaks?” Cadance asked.

“How is that the part you have questions about?” Spike asked.

“My lady, I would like to view that video for reference material,” Doppel said.

“I’m happy to disappoint, but to my knowledge, nothing like that is on the laptop. There is more porn than I could view in a normal lifetime, but nothing obscene like bestiality. That video was something one of my so-called friends showed me in the fake memories I have.”

“No wonder you didn’t want to make any friends when you first got here,” Spike muttered.

“So, Twilight’s pretty out of it and Shiny is no longer on the edge of becoming hard,” Doppel said. “Think we should swap again?”

“I approve!” Cadance immediately replied.

“If you say it like that, you’ll hurt Spike’s feelings,” I said.

“No, I get it,” he replied, pulling his claw back. “I never thought of ponies as pettable until well after Nav got here. My lack of experience shows. Not to mention, it’s harder to enjoy scales and claws than Nav’s soft and comfy fingers. Still, I can’t let that hold me back. Even if I can never match her, I can still get skilled enough to gain great power over the ponies.”

“And deer,” I said.

“And griffins,” Doppel added.

“Is there anything soft and fuzzy that belly rubs don’t work on?” Cadance asked.

“...Soon, I will have unlimited power at my clawtips,” Spike said, looking down at his hands in awe.

“Yes, now put them to use on this stallion,” I said. “It’s time I reclaimed that princess belly.” Spike sighed as we all changed places again.

“I’m sure it’s not as fun for you when it isn’t forbidden,” Cadance said with a smirk as I assumed my place in front of her.

“So you heard about that, huh?” I asked.

“It made it to a few of the papers in Canterlot that we have delivered,” she replied. “Basically everyone knows of your lust for forbidden princess bellies now, Navi.”

“...Aqua took over my mouth in the middle of the fight.”

“My lady, is that actually true?” Doppel asked.

“Yes, it’s actually true,” I said. “I learned most of what she did while I was in the coma. Embarrassing me was one of her goals. So I would like some clemency for that one.”

“What can’t be helped, can’t be helped,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “So are you gonna get started or what? Or would you like me to beg?”

“I would like that very much,” Doppel replied in my voice before I could say anything. Personally, I wasn’t interested, so I started petting the princess to shut her up.

“That kind of ventriloquism is super broken,” Spike said. “Can you mimic any voice on the fly like that?”

“I can mimic the voices of anyone I’ve kissed,” she said in Spike’s voice.

“Why kissed?” Spike asked.

“Well, specifically, anyone whose throat I’ve shoved my tongue down. I can mimic the voices of others if I change my body around, but I can only copy just voices if I’ve had access to your throat.”

“You should take the chance to learn three more while you’re here,” I said. “Cadance isn’t out of it yet, but she will be soon. You can do whatever you want to her, then.”

“I’ll get the two of them once things get weird,” she replied with a smile. “And I’d prefer getting permission from Twilight, lest she use me for her experiments again later.”

“Smart choice,” Spike said. “Hey, is it normal for their back legs to kick like this?”

“It means you’re doing a good job,” I said. “This is Shiny we’re talking about, so he might enjoy it more if you demean him a little. You don’t even have to insult him. It can be something as simple as calling him a cute little pony.”

“Yeah, but I’m not really sadistic,” he replied.

“Sadism is making others suffer,” Doppel said. “Shiny would enjoy being demeaned, so that wouldn’t be sadistic of you.”

“And it’s good practice for foals,” I said. “The younger ones enjoy it when you say stuff like that, too. I mean, what filly doesn’t enjoy being called a good, soft, fluffy, or cute little pony?”

“Hm, I see,” Spike muttered, looking down at Shiny dubiously. “He always used to seem so strong and proud to me. This certainly is another side of him, isn’t it?”

“As long as you remember that they’re both sides of the same coin, it’s all good,” I said. “If you can keep that in mind, you should be fine even when things get weird.”

“Doesn’t that mean you should be fine to stay here, too?” Cadance asked.

“Another choice that Aqua made for me was giving married couples a chance,” I replied. “I don’t currently have any intentions of repeating that choice. To that end, I’ll be leaving before things can get weird. Besides, it sounds like Doppel’s planning on testing her mostly final form, and I want no part of that.”

“You also have to go and get tickled by your daughters,” Doppel added.

“I’m sure my adorable little girls would never even think of doing something so cruel to their loving mother,” I replied. “That said, I might spend some time with Twilight until Eva is asleep, just in case… Oh yeah, Cadance, what did you want to talk with my filly about?”

“Is that why you let me stay coherent this long?” she asked, though her voice was a little slurred. “Hmm, higher…” My hand obeyed, tracing up her tummy to her chest and gently caressing all the areas in between. “I just wanted to, you know, apologize for anything she may have heard…”

“And her reply?”

“She said it would be politically inconvenient for her to stay mad, so she’d get over it. That really wasn’t the answer I wanted, but… Well, I honestly don’t know what else to do.”

“Just give it time, for now,” I said. “If our living situation ever ends up stabilizing, she’ll probably soften up. Alternatively, turn into a human and rub her belly.”

“I think I’ll need some practice before I can make her forgive me. Hmm… Hmm… Have you ever had a tummy rub, Navi?”

“Yes. Celestia stole my first and Spike stole my second with Twilight’s help.”

“How scandalous!”

Spike awkwardly cleared his throat. “If I knew you’d have that kind of reaction, I would have said no…”

“I’m a complete harlot. What did you think was going to happen if you held me down and did something like that to me? Anyway, it seems like a certain princess is getting some dangerous ideas, so it’s time to put my skills to use.” With that, my hand went into overdrive yet again, making the pink pony moan in pleasure. Hopefully her reaction wouldn’t be the same as mine.

“Maybe I should try being a pony, too,” Spike muttered, looking over at Cadance’s face. It was melting down in joy. “Feeling the proper technique personally might help…”

“It does seem kinda interesting, if I’m honest,” Doppel said. “But what was that again about you abusing our lady, Spike?”

“I… I had Twilight’s permission, so it’s alright, right?”

“I suppose that’ll be up to the tentacles to decide,” Doppel said with a smile. “Hm, my lady, do you think Newlestia would be interested in testing my tentacles?”

Flo?

“She would be interested in trying your tentacles, but not Doppel’s,” Flo replied in my head.

“I’m afraid not,” I said. “I’m sure Kat or Luna would agree, as long as I was allowed to watch.”

“Now I’m even more curious about squids,” Spike said, his ear-spines twitching. “Why would Doppel even think about being a squid?”

“You’ll understand soon,” I said. “Doppel, would you like to swap? I can wake Twilight up so you four can get as weird as you want.”

“As you desire, my lady,” Doppel said, swiftly swapping places with me.

When I got in front of Twiggles, I took a deep breath, leaned down, and blew a raspberry on her tummy. She squealed and flailed around, finally coming to. Since she had recovered, I pulled back before I could get kicked. “So, did you enjoy being used like a little tummy slut?” I asked.

“Y-yes… I enjoyed being of use to such vicious predators,” she huskily replied. Her eyes were still a little cloudy, but walking around would help wake her up.

“Are you ready to walk?” I asked.

“Hm, I suppose…” She rolled off the bed and landed on her slightly unsteady hooves. “If… If you do use tentacles on my brother… Don’t tell me the details.”

“Deal,” Doppel said. “I do want to brag about it to my lady later, though.”

“That’s unnecessary,” I replied.

“I know, but it won’t stop me.”

“A-anyway,” I said, looking down at Twiggles. “Shall we abscond to my room so I can put you to bed?”

“Yep! But we might take a small detour before sleeping…”

“Then let’s detour away.” To make sure I matched her slow pace, I followed behind her.

“I don’t think I need my questions answered, now that I think about it,” Spike said, finally pulling his claws away from Shiny’s tummy. “I’m sure with Doppel here, things will be just as weird with three as they would be with four.”

“That’s a very responsible and wise choice, Spike,” Twilight proudly replied. “I’d hate to live with the knowledge that you’re as bad as Nav.”

“Spike, you have a long way to go until you’re at my level,” I said. “But with some hard work and enough time, you’ll get there! I know you can do it!”

“Thanks for the encouragement,” he said as he joined us on the way to the door. “But I don’t think I ever want to get to the point where parts of my body ache because of my numerous activities.”

“Yes, well, sometimes short-term gain is eclipsed by long-term profits,” I said with a shrug. “We’ve all been there at some point.”

“I know Twilight’s responsible enough to never stoop that low,” Spike said, making me burst out laughing before I could stop myself. A sharp kick to the shin did a pretty good job of stopping me instead.

“Quiet, you,” Twilight grumbled with a bright red face.

“Apparently I’ve been looking up to the wrong role model,” Spike said with a sly smirk. Twilight opened the door and used magic to float me out, then jumped out behind me.

“Doppel, Spike is volunteering to test your tentacles!” she called out. With that, Twilight slammed the door in his face. It clicked shut with a lock moments later, leaving Spike trapped inside with two vicious predators and Shiny.

“I’ll never forget your sacrifice!” I called.

“Don’t just give up on me!” Spike shouted, trying his luck with the door knob. “Come on, Twilight! Don’t be unreasonable!”

“That is a pretty good point,” I whispered. “Those tentacles might seriously traumatize him.”

“Do you think I couldn’t hear that?!” Spike shouted. “What do you think these spines are even for? Are you really gonna let them traumatize me?!”

“Fine, fine,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. The door’s lock released, allowing Spike to immediately escape. I could see the dick-ended tentacles reaching for the door right before he slammed it again. “I mean, it’s not like Doppel would really do anything without permission, right?”

“...Like something out of a horror movie, I swear,” I muttered, glaring at the door.

“I seriously don’t even want to know anymore,” Spike said with a sigh. “Really though, Nav… You go at it hard enough with Twilight to make her ache?”

“Spike, what have I taught you about asking questions you don’t want the answer to?” I asked.

“I retract my question and am going to bed,” he replied. “Goodnight.” Spike left without another word, jumping off the railing to get away even faster. Twilight was still floating me, so she started trotting off to the staircase with me in tow.

“So, am I going to get to walk?” I asked.

“Doppel mentioned that you dislike walking up and down the stairs,” Twilight said. “Is this better or worse?”

“Worse.”

“Aww…” She seemed quite reluctant, but eased me back to the floor. Then she eliminated the entire issue by teleporting us all the way into my room. “How about that? Better or worse?”

“Better. I thought we were taking a detour, though?”

“We’re taking a detour to sleep, not a detour to bed.” Her horn lit up and various ropes and straps appeared in a pile on the floor. “Would you be kind enough to tie yourself to the bed? I’ll be right back.”

She wandered off to the bathroom while I took a look at the ropes and whatnot. Given the pile they were in, everything was tangled up and getting anything to come loose was going to be a nightmare. I sighed and got to work disentangling the rat’s nest of bondage tools.

By the time I got everything separated, she returned to the room. “Come on, Nav. You still aren’t tied down?”

“Everything was tangled up,” I said. “Organize your stuff better. Now, would you like to unwrap me yourself or would you rather watch?”

“The clothes stay on, for now,” she replied, using magic to float me over to the bed. At the very least, she stripped me of my shoes. Once I was settled down, all the equipment I dutifully sorted out started locking me in place. “That belly rub really did feel nice, Nav. And I’m glad to know you didn’t get weird with my brother. It was a good family bonding experience!”

“I’m glad to hear that. I guess this is the part where I ask if it’s your turn to make me feel good now.”

“You’re right, it is the time to ask,” she replied with a smile. The last strap finally locked into place, making me completely immobile. “Unfortunately, the answer is no. I’ve been bribed, after all.”

“Wait, what now?” I asked, lifting up my head. It was basically the only thing I could move.

“I’ll be back in a little while,” she replied. “Don’t go anywhere, Navi!” She took a few seconds to adorably giggle before vanishing, leaving me locked in my room and tied to the bed.

“For some reason, I have a really bad feeling about this…” It wasn’t just some reason, if I’m honest. There were several very good reasons, in fact. The two main reasons were the new giggles that filled the room. I recognized my daughters immediately, which made me start trembling in pure terror.

“It’s time to play, mommy,” Taya said from the bathroom.

“We’re gonna play all night long, right mommy?” Eva asked. I couldn’t really see them from where I was, but as they slowly got closer, I realized they were still human and once again wearing matching outfits. Their bunny onesie pajamas were so cute I almost forgot the true horrors awaiting me.

“Hello, girls,” I said with a warm smile. There was almost no way I could talk my way out of the hell that awaited me, but I couldn’t give up.

“Oh, she didn’t gag you?” Taya asked. “Well, let me take care of that, then.” Her horn lit up and I could no longer open my mouth.

All hope was lost. Color faded from my eyes as my two girls took turns tormenting me with relentless tickles. Seeing them getting along so well was nice, yet nothing silenced the part of me that yearned for the sweet release of death.

When they finished abusing their own mother, they ran off giggling to Taya’s room. Twilight teleported back in moments later and had her way with me, then finally released me. I didn’t feel even the slightest bit tired, and yet all I wanted to do was crawl up into a ball on my bed.

Thankfully, I had a pretty good excuse for doing just that. If I didn’t do as Pinkie demanded, there’s no telling what horrors she might unleash on me. With that in mind, I entered the dream realm. Finding Pinkie’s dream was a cinch. Connecting it to Rarity’s was just as easy. Dealing with the guilt inside of me as the dream instantly turned red was slightly harder, but I pushed through it.

“I’m sure Pinkie won’t let Rarity hate it,” Flo said, patting me on the back.

“Your skill at sacrificing others to save your own skin is very impressive, my lady,” Darya said. Thankfully, she didn’t sound sarcastic, so she probably actually meant it.

“It feels like a waste to spend this time busting nightmares, if I’m honest,” I said, looking around the dreamscape. It was mostly white and gold dreams, with a few green, black, and red dotted around. I’m sure I’d probably find more colors if I felt like digging deep, but it really seemed pointless. “Nightmares are a part of dreaming. It sucks when you have them, but acting like a custodian for it… That seems so controlling, doesn’t it?”

“It’s also a lot of fun, though,” Flo said.

“True. Being a god never does get old. And if I can help people out at the same time, it does seem like a win-win. But instead, I could be using this time to learn, train, solve crimes, or try to be social. Shouldn’t I reserve playing around for when I’m forced to sleep anyway?”

“Or when you need stress relief,” Darya said.

“Or when you want to experience kinkier sex than is possible in real life,” Flo added.

“Which is its own form of stress relief,” I said with a nod. “But I just got my fill of lewdness, so I think I’ll try to spend the time a little more productively.”

“I do have some questions and comments about that,” Flo said. “While we’ve been traveling around looking at prices of things, we’ve also been visiting libraries and gathering knowledge. At this point, we’ve basically read all of the books commonly available in Equestria. It would be possible for me to slowly transcribe the knowledge to you. I know you’ve already read all the books in the Ponyville and Canterlot Castle libraries, but there’s still a lot out there you haven’t seen.”

“We’ll need to get one of you to the Hamlet of Mehdiocrity,” I said. “There’s a ton of books there, even if most of them might be worthless. And I might need to ask Athena if I can spend time reading the books she has dotted around her main room.”

“You also need to procure raw bacon for Hera when you visit in the morning,” Darya said. “You could ask then.”

“I feel like we probably have bacon,” I said. “The two Gildas seem to be keeping us in supply of meat. That said, I should definitely go check. If not, I can go hunting in the Everfree and maybe visit the tree sister.”

“Is there anything piglike in the Everfree?” Darya asked.

“If it comes to it, I’ll just tell Hera that whatever meat I give her is bacon and act confused if she calls me out. I mean, she has no idea what the outside world is like. I can just tell her pigs don’t exist or something.”

“Do you really want to risk lying to Hera?” Flo asked.

“The other option is getting it through Celestia,” I said. “And I already got the blood from her. Owing her more favors won’t end well for me.”

“Celestia is just as interested as you are in keeping a good relationship with those two,” Flo said. “She does not consider granting their desires as giving you favors. She considers it a form of insurance. If you do not have bacon, she can provide it.”

“...Well, let’s hope I have some.” With that, I finally woke up. Twilight was snoring away next to me, having fallen asleep right after she got what she wanted from my body. I carefully slid off the bed, doing my best to avoid the wet spots. Once I was on my feet, I grabbed enough clothing to be decent and let myself out.

As it turns out, we did have bacon. It was the super thick kind, which was perfect as a gift for goddesses. I figured it was only fair to bring some eggs as well. Shamefully, we had no grits, so I couldn’t give them a complete southern breakfast. I’d bring some sausage and coffee to make up for it.

With my most important chore out of the way, I started searching the lower floor for Taya. She was missing, so I assumed she was still with Eva upstairs. Since bothering her wasn’t an option, I went back upstairs to stealthily grab my sword. There was nobody awake I could practice with, but my entire body was different. If I didn’t take some time getting used to it, swinging a sword might actually hurt me more than whoever I’m swinging it at.

I am mostly referring to my new breasts, of course. They were ungainly and a hindrance in a fight, even if I couldn’t stop myself from playing with them sometimes. There was nobody in the backyard, which meant embarrassing myself was less likely. Being near the two magical cherry blossom trees made me feel as energized as when I was directly under the sun, so I cleared a space near them and slowly started working out all the awful kinks in my new body.

My practice was suddenly and rudely interrupted by a sneak attack from behind. Something warm and squishy pressed up against my back as familiar arms wrapped themselves around me. “I’m home, my lady!” Kat whispered in my ear.

“Kat, I’d like you to work on greeting me like a normal person,” I said, lowering the sword. “It’s one thing to approach from behind me, but just suddenly wrapping yourself around me with no warning is going to end up with someone getting hurt.”

“Not with that form, my lady,” she replied. “You’re all over the place! There’s no way you could ever break this hold.”

“I’m feeling very unbalanced, between the very light wings and the new chest,” I said. “I know I probably won’t be fighting all too much in the future, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t know how. I’ve been trying to figure things out. More importantly, how did the ghost busting go?”

Luna finally made herself known by walking up from behind me. “We succeeded, my lady,” she replied with a smile. “There was only one major curse, but the pony who received it actually finds it useful. The minor curses have been dealt with.”

“And the loot we found looks promising,” Kat added, giggling.

“I’d like to be able to go down in there and either help or watch,” I said. “Preferably help, if I’m honest.”

“That’s not necessary,” Luna replied.

“I know. So, to get to that point, I need to at least learn how to properly swing a sword again.”

“A spear might actually be a better choice,” Luna said. “With your body in this state, you’re basically starting from scratch with swords.”

“Not necessarily,” I replied. “Normally, yes. But Flo and Darya have been analyzing me as I go. I honestly don’t like the idea of ever going autopilot, but it would be incredibly efficient in combat. It’s highly unlikely that I’d ever be able to defeat Kat in a fight, no matter how much I train. But I bet Darya could, using my body. Maybe not now, but a few days of practice would probably do it.”

“...My lady, why would you ever want to defeat me?” Kat asked, doing her best to sound hurt.

“I’m just using you as a baseline.”

Darya cleared her very wet throat in my head. “My lady, may I have permission to borrow your body? I don’t think I need a few days. Perhaps I’ll teach her not to latch onto you in the future.”

Only if you’re positive you can win.

“Then I shall assume control.” Moments later, Kat was on the ground with a sword to her throat. “Threat neutralized,” Darya calmly intoned with my voice.

“Blaze is quite surprised that a water elemental is both capable of and willing to do this,” Luna said. “And I’m quite impressed, myself. It seems that Blaze can do something similar with an entire army, which will be quite interesting to see in action.”

“Aqua developed her own martial arts style for bipeds during the war,” Darya replied, stepping away from Kat and putting away the sword. “It was designed with the philosophy that anything shy of death can be cured. To that end, most of it consists of brutal offensive takedowns. It was designed mainly to counter large groups of durable fire elemental hosts. Because of that, it works extremely well on normal people. There were no bipeds with lewd boobs like Lady Navarone’s back then, but I have already made corrections with them in mind. If Nav is attacked, I will take over and defend her.”

“You seem very confident for someone who got me on the ground exactly once,” Kat replied as she finally hopped back up to her feet. “However, after our very long day, I’d rather not pick a fight. But if you plan to defend Navi, why does she need to practice?”

“In case I am not with her.”

Since Kat was standing down, I finally took back over and shrugged. “It might end up being pointless if my body changes again, though. Still, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. But now there’s something more important I need to be doing.”

“What is that, my lady?” Luna asked, tilting her head.

“Rewarding the two of you for dealing with that ghost,” I said. “I was thinking of brushing and then petting you for a bit, but if you have something else in mind, I’m all ears.” Kat gasped and Luna flinched.

“I would be honored to receive those rewards,” Luna replied with a small blush. “B-but perhaps allow me to bathe, first…?”

“By all means. Kat?”

“My lady…” Kat whispered, her eyes getting wet. “Nothing could ever make me happier!”

“I’m glad to hear that. Twilight’s on my bed, so we’ll have to do it elsewhere.”

“My lady, do you trust me?” Luna asked.

“Explain to me in detail why you’re asking that question.” In other words, no.

“Because I have a very private space I can teleport us to. It would serve us well while you deliver our reward.”

“That’s not enough detail. The fact that you’re being suspiciously imprecise makes me assume there’s something about it that you think I’d find unappealing. Be more specific.”

“I got bored while in Tartarus, so I built a greenhouse on the moon,” Luna replied. “It’s perfectly livable, as long as you don’t leave the magic shield. But without me, there would be no escape. So…”

“And it has showers and a bed or two?” I asked.

“Showers were beyond me. I’m an ex-princess, not a plumber. I built a very solid bath, though. And yes, there is a bed.”

“Kat, what are your thoughts on moonwalking tonight?” I asked, turning over to look at her. At the moment, her eyes were wide and she was staring at us like we were speaking gibberish.

“The… moon?” Kat asked. “Like, you mean that thing right there?” She pointed up at the sky, where the moon was clearly visible.

“Yes,” Luna said with a nod.

“So, you in or what?” I asked.

“I’m… having trouble wrapping my head around this,” Kat said. “I know teleportation is a thing, but… the moon?”

“Sounds like she’s in,” I said. “Luna, let’s go.”

“As you command, my lady.” Her horn lit up uncomfortably brightly before the three of us vanished. We reappeared in front of a small house painted a strange color of green. “Welcome to my greenhouse.”

“When you said greenhouse, I was expecting something a little different,” I said. “What’s with that color?”

“It’s a special paint that protects against the sun. The shield does most of the job, but it can still get warm inside. The paint helps keep the temperatures to a liveable level.”

“We’re… actually on the moon!” Kat shouted, looking up into the sky at Earth. “It’s incredible!”

“Is there enough oxygen here for three people?” I asked.

“I used to experiment with self-sustaining deep isolation pods,” Luna replied. “A prisoner will break fairly quickly if they’re locked in a small bubble several thousand meters underwater, with their only contact with others being the food delivered twice a day via teleportation. But keeping them alive down there is tricky. With enough trial and error, I got it down to a science. I can now calculate these things fairly efficiently. This home is rated for five quadrupeds my size. We’ll be fine.”

“I have a proposal for a generation ship for you later,” I said. “For now, let’s get inside. Kat, if you aren’t careful about where you look, your eyes might fry out of your sockets and run down your face like jelly.”

While Luna casually explained how the shield protected against that kind of thing, Kat handily picked the lock on the door and let herself in. I’m not sure if she was paying attention to Luna’s explanation, but it’s not like it was that big of a deal. Luna and I followed her into the small entry room.

“I carved a lot of rock down to make things easier,” Luna said. “Smaller shields use less magic to maintain, but I can go as deep as I want as long as I properly fortify the ground. I probably couldn’t hollow out the entire moon, but I could make a decently-sized complex. I didn’t see the need to make this particular area much larger than this, since I’m the only one I ever expected to visit.”

“That’s just way too overpowered,” I said with a sigh.

“Hm? In what way? I suppose I could dig a hole and throw someone in it, but that’s not really overly powerful, it’s just time consuming overkill.”

“Not overpowered militarily,” I said. “How long would it take you to build another fifty places just like this?”

“Less than a month, assuming I was able to get all the materials I needed. Would you like your own moon house, my lady? Oh, but you’d only be able to get here with me…”

“Do teleportation circles not work?” I asked.

“I’ve never tried. No one else has ever wanted to go to the moon before, so I never thought it was necessary…”

“But theoretically, if they do work, you could build an underground moon base in a month?”

“Indeed, my lady.”

“Overpowered doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m glad you’re my pet, Luna.”

“You mean vassal, right?” Luna asked.

“Yes, of course. What did I say? Actually, never mind. We should probably find Kat before she gets into something dangerous.”

“As long as she doesn’t press the big red button, things should be fine,” Luna replied.

“Well, let’s get looking.” Luna led the way out of the small entryway. It led to a short hall that felt like it sloped down. After passing through a final magic wall, we were in one of the main rooms.

Luna never much was one for decorating in the first place, so I wasn’t surprised by the lack of furnishing or knick-knacks. The only thing I saw were familiar paintings, many of the ones that Celestia banned. There was also a small bookcase next to the very large bed. And above the bed was a massive telescope leading to a window pointed straight at Earth. Kat was gazing through it at the moment, giggling in childlike glee.

“So, where’s that button we shouldn’t press?” I asked.

“In the bathroom,” Luna replied. “I’ll point it out when we get there.” She continued down toward the bed. I followed, sneaking a glance at the bookcase as we got closer. Sure enough, it was more of my banned works.

“Do you like human art, or do you just like it because I made it?” I asked.

“Both,” Luna replied. “It captures my attention more than most pony works. Perhaps it is because our versions are mere echoes? Well, no matter. What do you think of the view, Kat?”

“This is amazing! You can see every centimeter of her bedroom!”

“Whose bedroom?” I asked, slowly turning a glare toward Luna.

“Anyone’s,” she proudly replied. “This telescope was another personal project of mine. It uses a lot of magic, but it allows you to basically peek through the windows of any building you can see. I’m not surprised at all that Kat can use magic when it comes to locating anything belonging to you, so she’s probably looking at your room at the moment.”

“Tch, I can’t believe Twilight gets to sniff the bed all night,” Kat muttered.

“Well, we can currently sniff the real thing,” Luna said. “So put that away and let’s go bathe.”

“Right!” Kat finally released the telescope and slid off the bed so she could wrap herself around one of my arms. “Let’s go, my lady!”

“I mean, I don’t really need a bath, do I?” I asked. Twilight used magic to clean the sex funk off me before releasing me from the ropes, so I should be good.

“We would be remiss as vassals if we did not take the opportunity to tend to the health and beauty of our liege lady,” Luna replied. “So let’s go, my lady!” A part of me was starting to wonder what I had gotten myself into, but I could probably stop them before they did anything I’d regret. Or at least, that’s what I told myself as Kat pulled me along behind Luna.

At the very least, I could add bathing on the moon with fae to my fantasy checklist.

When we got to the bathroom, Kat suddenly came to a stop, making me bump into her. That was enough for me to see inside, which is why I wasn’t mad at her for stopping. It honestly looked like we were stepping into a desert oasis, complete with the uncomfortably bright and warm light. It was radiating down from a floating orb, almost like a miniature sun.

Plants in sandy soil lined all the walls and floors surrounding a large pool of water. Some even dangled from the ceiling. Most of the plants looked like succulents, but I also saw a few cooking herbs that I recognized. Unsurprisingly, I also saw several poisons she probably used for alchemy. The water itself was crystal clear and, aside from a small area for bathing, seemed bottomless.

Hm… About on par with the hot springs at Gilda’s hamlet. Well, I guess we have to test the water first, though. “So where’s this red button?” I finally asked, making Kat flinch and start walking again.

“It’s over here, next to the entrance to the bath,” Luna replied. This room in particular was probably larger than the total area on the surface under the shield. As we got closer to the water, I started seeing and hearing small animals skittering away from us. There were even bees pollinating the flowers.

“What do you do with the honey the bees make?” Kat asked.

“Eat it,” Luna replied. “It’s nothing all that special, if I’m honest. But you’re welcome to try some, if you like.”

“I’ll happily eat your sweet moon honey, Luna,” Kat replied with a smile. “Perhaps we could take turns licking it off our lady?”

“That sounds like a fun way of cooling off after our bath,” Luna said with a smile of her own.

“That’ll just take time away from the brushing and petting,” I quickly interjected.

“...Well, we have time to decide in the bath,” Kat replied.

“This is the red button,” Luna said, pointing it out for us. It was set up right in front of a set of stairs leading into the pool. Two other buttons were to the left of it. The farthest left was blue while the middle was orange. “Don’t press this button, especially not if somebody you like is in the water.”

“What happens if it’s pushed?” Kat asked.

“We all die. Anyone in the water will die faster, but also much more painfully.”

“Please be considerably more specific,” I replied.

“The red button makes all the water start boiling immediately,” Luna said. “The steam will quickly fill the room and the heat will grow to the point the skin and fur will slough right off our bones at a mere touch. The heat will continue to rise until the house above catches fire and fills the bubble with smoke. With all the life inside extinguished, the shield above us will disperse, exposing the entire area to the vacuum of space.”

“So… Why does that button exist?” Kat asked.

“Because I built it,” Luna said, puffing up her chest with pride.

“Why would you build it?” I asked.

“I like having three options,” she said. “The blue button makes it cold, the orange button makes it perfect for bathing, and the red button makes it boil! It’s perfect, right?”

“Why is it right in front of the stairs leading in?” Kat asked.

“So it’s more convenient for you to choose before you get in, of course,” Luna said.

“Why aren’t there any labels on it?” I asked.

“Because I never expected to have guests. Why do you have so many questions about a mere button? All you need to know is not to press it. Now, shall we take turns running our hooves up and down our lady?”

“That does seem like a better use of our time,” Kat replied. “So, my lady, let me help you get undressed…”

“It hardly feels like making you take care of me is a good prelude to rewarding you,” I said. “Shouldn’t we all just enjoy this time before we get to the important parts?”

“Bathing you is just as fun as what’s soon to come,” Kat said, finally pulling my skirt down without warning.

“This is just as much of a reward for us as being pet and brushed,” Luna replied, pressing the orange button. The lighting instantly changed, growing dimmer and taking on a red tone. “We’re delighted for this opportunity, my lady!”

“...Do as you will, then. It’s hardly a reward, otherwise.” Kat started giggling as she went for my shirt next. Soon enough, I was completely bare before them. Kat wasted no time removing her own equipment.

“The water appears to be warm enough already,” Luna said, tearing her eyes away from me to look over at the water. It was steamy, but not to the point where it was boiling. “Soap, towels, and everything else you might need is here in a little container under the stairs.” Her horn lit up and a panel right in front of the red button popped open and fell into the dirt, falling less than a centimeter short. Several things started flying out, as though she had no regard at all for the big kill us all button.

“Can we… I don’t know, put something over that button?” Kat asked. “Or is it possible to deactivate it entirely?”

“Why are you so fixated on a simple button, of all things?” Luna asked. “Think of it as merely part of the floor. Just a part of the floor that you can’t step on or we all die. So, are you ready, my lady?”

“My body is prepared. But… I’m sensitive, so be gentle…”

“Sensitive?” Luna asked. “I remember your body being deadened to touch.”

“Not anymore,” Kat said with a pur, wrapping her arms around me and groping my breasts. “Even this much is usually enough to get her going! See there? Her legs are already squirming.”

“Oh, I see! Well then, we’ll just have to be extra gentle. Kat, would you rather wash her front or her back?”

“Back. My breasts against hers would make cleaning harder.”

“Then let us get her to the water!” Luna’s horn lit up and Kat and I were lifted up and placed on her back. She trotted up the stairs, narrowly missing the red button, and finally eased us all into the steamy bath. There, they proceeded to do some very semi-lewd things to me. Luna was nice and gentle while Kat made sure to stop just shy of rough.

Thankfully, in the end, we were all physically clean.

However… my clothes were missing when we got out. They should have been right where Kat dropped them on the floor, but they were nowhere to be found. And as soon as we were dried off, Luna teleported the towels out. That was slightly concerning, but lines had yet to be crossed, even if they were tip-toeing on the edge.

“So, you know I can walk, right?” I asked as Luna carried the two of us back up. Kat was once again clinging to my back. It felt very pleasant, but I could do without her caressing my thighs.

“The two of you seemed so concerned about that button that I thought it best to give neither of you the chance to touch it,” Luna replied. “Worry not, my lady, for I am always thinking of how to serve you best.”

“I’m grateful for your consideration,” Kat said. “And I’m sorry for making you ride up front, my lady, but I’m not used to riding and I’m worried I might fall off…”

“At least I’m not the only one who’s excellent at making up excuses on the fly,” I muttered, making both of my vassals giggle.

“So, should we start with the brushing, the petting, or licking off the honey?” Kat asked when we got to Luna’s bedroom.

“We didn’t really have much of a chance to eat after getting back,” Luna said. “The honey probably won’t fill us up much, but it might make us perk up a little before the petting can commence.”

“I… don’t really want to slather my body with honey,” I said.

“Don’t worry, my lady,” Kat said. “We’ll do it for you, so don’t worry your lovely little head about it.”

“Sorry, let me rephrase that. I don’t want my body slathered with honey.”

“We’re thinking only of your beauty, my lady,” Luna said. “Honey has many restorative qualities in it. In fact, most of the soap we just used was made with it. With the pageant so close, a pure honey-bath will do wonders to help secure a top spot!”

“I’m putting my foot down for this one,” I said.

“But you’re riding on my back,” Luna quickly interjected.

“Figuratively. We’re not doing the honey thing, as I also don’t want to be licked. No part of that plan sounds appealing to me, so I’m rejecting it as your lady.”

Kat leaned forward around me so she could loudly whisper, “I can’t believe this corrupt noble is already abusing her power! What should we do as her unwilling slaves?”

“Clearly we should lick something else off of her instead,” Luna loudly whispered back.

“Why can’t you just accept your pets and brushies?” I asked. “Greed is unappealing, you know.”

“But there’s two of us,” Kat said. “That means one of us will have to wait.”

“On the other hoof, if the two of us do something to you, we can all enjoy at the same time,” Luna added.

“Who contributed most to the battle with the ghost?”

“Me, obviously,” Luna replied. Kat scoffed, but didn’t reply.

“Then you’re first,” I said. “Kat will have to wait.”

“Life is pain and misery is unending,” Kat whispered, her entire body drooping against mine. It didn’t stop her paws from groping at me, though.

“At least you can look at all kinds of cool stuff with the telescope,” I said. “And I’ll probably brush you both before the petting begins, so you won’t have to wait too long for my touch.”

“You have no right to complain when we are being rewarded so generously by our lady,” Luna smugly added.

“Hm… My lady, have you ever been brushed and pet?” Kat sweetly asked.

“Yes. As both a pony and a human. I’m not interested in going through it again as a pony, but it’s not so bad as a human.”

“Hm… I’ve seen you in a few different forms, but I’ve never actually experienced it myself. I wonder how I would look as a human…”

“Probably unbelievably attractive,” I replied.

“Prettier than Luna as a human?” she asked.

“I’m not going to answer that dangerous question. So, here’s the bed. Am I allowed to get down on my own?”

“Why would that ever be necessary?” Luna asked, floating the two of us off her back and onto the bed. “My body yearns for your touch, my lady. There is no need to be gentle.” With that, she hopped up onto the bed and laid down in front of me. Her horn lit up and several brushes appeared.

I picked the most suitable one and began repaying their semi-lewd behavior in the bath. They moaned just as much as I did, so I’m sure they were satisfied with their reward.

While they were both panting for breath and grinding against the bed, I finally took my turn with the telescope. It was currently focused on the house, but I couldn’t see through any of the windows. Luna said it needed magic to work, which meant Kat was somehow using magic. That wasn’t too surprising, given her insanity and curse. Still, it meant the telescope wasn’t nearly as much fun for me, who can’t use magic at all.

I gave up on it and turned my attention to my vassals. Both were blushing and smiling, so I probably wasn’t going to be getting teleported back any time soon. My clothes were still missing, so I decided to head further in before I got roped into something strange. “Come back to the bath when you’re ready to go,” I said as I slid off the bed. “Take all the time you need. Feel free to… get to know each other better, if you want.” If I didn’t escape quickly, it was entirely possible I wouldn’t be able to escape at all. Without making it too obvious, I power-walked away.

I somehow made it. To my surprise, bees started flocking to me the instant I entered the bath chamber. Before, they were probably keeping away because of Luna and Kat, but they had no hesitation at all about violating my flowers. It didn’t quite tickle, but it felt strange. Still, my flowers seemed to react to it, anchoring in place so they didn’t bounce about as I walked. It allowed the bees to attach to my flowers with ease.

“I feel like this says something about me as a person,” I said. “I’m… I’m not that much of a slut, right? Or at least, I’m doing better, aren’t I?”

“Before the coma, you wouldn’t have tried escaping your vassals,” Darya said. “You would have been there sandwiched between the two of them, enjoying yourself to the fullest. What your hair is doing is merely a part of tree sister biology. It was mentioned in the book Athena gave you.”

“So all tree sisters are sluts… Maybe I should stop fighting it, then?”

“If you turn around, I’ll make fun of you for it,” Flo replied.

“As if. I wanna see where that hole goes.”

“I would like you to think very carefully,” Darya said. “Think about everything you know of Luna. Do you really want to know where that hole goes?”

“As her liege lady, it’s my responsibility to find out.”

Without the half-animal fae around, the regular animals were congregating around the water. They paid me no mind as I bypassed the stairs to avoid the button. Instead, I sat on the edge and just slid in. By that point, the bees were done with their business, ditching me like dead-beat dads.

“I would like to warn you again,” Darya said. “Luna would not think to tell either of you if there was something dangerous living in this pool. Especially if it had no way of getting to you while you were in the shallow area. Knowing what you know of her, would you discount the idea of her keeping some manner of dangerous fish down there?”

“Look, I understand why you distrust her. But Luna said this place was self-sustaining. Personally, I doubt she has the ability to keep a pet alive by herself. That means there probably isn’t anything larger than these small critters. Best case scenario, I die. Worst case, nothing happens and I just get to the bottom. So really, it’ll be fine.” With that, I finally plunged into the deep end. Holding my breath was a pussy move, so I quickly drowned to get used to breathing water.

Once the elementals kicked my aquatic lungs into gear, I began swimming to the bottom. Even with my special eyes, it got very dark quite quickly, making it difficult to tell what exactly was around me. With that in mind, I tried moving closer to the walls to discover that the walls were no longer surrounding me. At some point, I had entered a cavern.

I may not be very smart, but even I’m not dumb enough to roam around a pitch-black underwater moon cavern. I turned around and noped out before I got confused and lost.

Since that venture was a bust, I decided to lounge out in the bath and soak. Now that I was no longer moving around, the bees made another appearance and started buzzing around my hair again. I ignored them, along with the animals that occasionally wandered over to get a closer look. None of them were cute enough to pet, sadly. I found myself longing for a filly-sized, fuzzy thing to play with.

“I really am too far gone, aren’t I?” I mused aloud.

“You’re just changing,” Flo replied. “And that’s a normal part of life. It would be stranger if you weren’t changing. Are you still distraught at the loss of your humanity?”

“No. And yes. I know these memories are real, but they aren’t really mine. I never lived any of them. I’ve been a puppet since the day I was created, but… the thought that I was human filled me with some manner of pride. Now that I know I never was, I realize it was all hollow anyway. And yet… I find myself asking if my only option is to give up on my humanity. Magic’s a hell of a drug, after all. And changing is normal, supposedly.”

“Indeed, it supposedly is,” Flo replied. “You know we can remove those memories, Nav. It might do you good.”

“And lose my common sense? No thanks, I don’t want to end up like the ponies.”

“You really do look down on them…” Darya said. “I know you have every right to feel superior to such base creatures, but you should work on that.”

“I already own their princess. Next is their army and their economy. I’ve already infested their culture. They’ll be utterly irrelevant soon enough.”

“Your goal is to stop Discord, not get revenge on the ponies,” Flo replied.

“Revenge is such a strong word, Flo. I’m just trying to minimize the harm they can cause. Think of it like baby-proofing a house.”

“So you seek to replace the cradle Celestia put them in with your own?” Darya asked.

“At least mine will have changeling whorehouses. And it’s not like the ponies will have no power or influence. I just feel like I could do a better job at handling a few things. Do you disagree?”

“All you’re going to be doing is telling ponies what to do,” Flo said. “Never forget that without them, your success will be meaningless.”

“Yeah, yeah. This moon bath is pretty nice. Maybe we should hollow this place out to use as our generation ship, then launch it away from the planet.”

“Wouldn’t it be a better idea to try magically terraforming it?” Flo asked. “It might be possible to generate some manner of atmosphere with enough small bastions like this.”

“That would be a question for Luna or Grogar,” I replied. “But maybe. It would certainly be really cool. It would actually be a good place to stick the humans, if we could tweak the atmosphere here to fit them better.”

“That’s certainly one way to quarantine them,” Flo said. “No need to worry about the pull, then.”

“I’ll definitely have to set up a few human-run spas. Human hands are first-rate in this world. Although maybe changelings could be trained instead? I’ll have to see how good Doppel can get.”

“Why not elemental-run?” Darya asked.

“Because it’s a waste of your talents. You’re worth more than a roaming pet dispenser like me.”

“The next time you become a pony, we’ll have to see how skilled we are,” Flo said. “I’m quite looking forward to it!”

“You’re better than that, Darya. I’m proud of you.”

“I, too, am looking forward to testing my skills against your tummy,” Darya replied.

“I put my faith in you and you let me down.”

“Well, I hope my tummy-rubbing skills will make up for it!”

It took my vassals about an hour to come and get me. In that time, I had given up on soaking and was dried off and waiting for my clothes. They were no longer panting, but I noticed that Kat had a sizable limp while Luna was grinning smugly.

“So, have you recovered from your post-rub bliss?” I asked.

“Indeed, my lady,” Luna replied. “Your reward was more than satisfactory!”

“Serving you is always a blissful experience,” Kat said. “I’m forever thankful you chose to give me another chance.”

“You’re both quite valuable. I’ll do what it takes to make sure you never forget that you belong to me. Now, I would like my clothes. Where are they?”

Luna’s horn lit up and they appeared centimeters away from the button. “There you are, my lady.”

“Thanks.” There wasn’t much, so getting dressed didn’t take me long. “So how do the small animals here know to avoid these buttons?”

“Fear,” Luna replied.

After a few seconds of silence, I sighed and said, “That’s really not an answer, Luna.”

“There’s a rune carved into the ground under the dirt that makes creatures with a weak enough will feel a great fear,” she said. “That means they’ll never be able to get close enough to push any of the buttons.”

“You really should get rid of that button,” Kat said.

“I still don’t understand why you two are so fixated on that thing,” Luna replied. “It’s just a button!”

“I highly recommend getting rid of it,” I said. “Now, shall we head back to Earth?”

“As you desire, my lady,” Luna replied. Her horn lit up and the red button vanished. “It is gone. My feng shui has been ruined, but I hope you are more at ease.”

“I am,” I said, booping her. “Now, let’s go home so you two can get some rest.”

“At once.” Luna’s horn lit up and the three of us reappeared in my backyard. I could just barely see dawn breaking on the horizon, so everyone would probably start waking up soon. “We are home, my lady.”

“Thanks. Go get some food and/or rest.”

“I think I would recharge much more efficiently by your side, my lady,” Kat replied with an angelic smile.

“I will keep your opinion in mind. Now, go get some food and/or rest.”

They both sighed and gave up, turning around to head inside.

And so I managed to survive their… dedication yet again.

I felt two watery tentacles on my shoulders. “You wouldn’t have gone with them if you were that worried,” Flo replied. “I know you secretly yearned to give in to them, Nav. I’m happy that you held back.”

“It sure would have felt good… Alas, being a good girl is hard…”

“Calling you good might be a little much,” Darya said, sliding up from behind me. She continued moving forward until she was directly in front of me, then added her hands to my shoulders. Given her height, that happened to place her rather generous chest right in front of my face. “Welcome back, my lady. Would you like us to please you, since they did not?”

“No thank you, I’m good. Although… I’d rather let you two try tentacles out on me before Doppel has a chance to.”

“She made me promise not to,” Flo said.

I sighed and looked up to Darya. “Would you tentacle-rape me?”

“It’s not rape if you ask for it, my lady,” she replied. “And I would prefer my first time to be a little more sweet. But that would be fine for my second time.”

“...Remind me the next time I’m alone in the tub,” I said. “Although if you’d rather wait for someone else, that’s perfectly fine.”

“I will consider things,” Darya replied. “Would you prefer bimbo mode, if we were to make love?”

“I will leave your body up to you.”

“Understood. I will tap into your hidden desires.”

“I would rather you not—”

“Hiding things is unhealthy,” Darya said. “I will tap into your hidden desires. Prepare yourself.”

“...I honestly don’t know what hidden desires you’re referring to, so I guess I’ll be in for an interesting time.”

Flo pushed me into Darya’s chest, who wrapped her arms around me. Breathing was only painful for a moment before I felt her soothing nanomachines fill my lungs. “I’ll be sure to watch, of course,” Flo said.

You want to peep on your baby sister’s first time? You creep.

“Yes, it should be special,” Darya said. “At the very least, I’d like just the two of us in the room. You can watch when I use tentacles to toy with her, though.”

“Hm, very well. Try not to drown her for too long, now.” Darya finally pushed me away, allowing me to actually breathe again. “So, what is next on your schedule, Navi?”

“Why would you even ask me that?” I replied. “You already know I’m out of ideas. I was probably gonna aimlessly roam the house until more people started waking up. Well, either that or swing my sword some more. Do you have something better in mind?”

“Well, I think everyone would rouse more readily with some soothing piano music from their lady.”

“I think that’s a good way to wake people up before they wanted to wake up,” I said. “It would also be hard to impress Skyla after she saw Spider play, so it sounds like a loss all around, to me.”

“You’re impressively quick to give up on something before you even try,” Darya said.

“Thank you. So, should we start aimlessly roaming together? Or would you rather help coach me through swinging a sword?”

“The second, if those are our only options,” Flo replied.

“I’d rather be the one protecting you than the one teaching you to protect yourself,” Darya said. “It feels good to be needed, and I’ll be needed for longer if you can’t defend yourself. So I would be happy to aimlessly roam with you, my lady.”

“It’s bad for humanity’s image if I can’t fight without help,” I replied. “Everyone needs to know that even our women can kick ass better than most fae. Otherwise, they’ll be in for a world of hurt when the rest of humanity gets here and someone tries to kidnap a woman because of the pull.”

“After what you and Twilight pulled in that griffin arena, I think that message has gotten across,” Flo said, patting me on the back. “Personally, I happen to think the ability to defend one’s self should be honed as effectively as possible. I don’t like the idea of you fighting, but I’d prefer you to be able to in the event that you’re forced to. Even if it’s unlikely that you’ll ever be in that position, even if you can revive, even if you don’t care… None of us want you to be hurt, Nav.”

Cool story, bro. “I’m glad to hear that, Flo.”

“You really are getting better at being ladylike, Nav,” Flo said. “I know it brings you no solace, yet I can’t help but notice.”

“I’m praying that I lose this pageant,” I said. “If I truly am picked as the best female in the world, that’ll mean I’m better as a woman than as a man… I don’t know if I could stand that. I have to come in last place. I must. I won’t sabotage it, but… if I’m anything other than last place, I really will lose confidence in myself…”

“I never thought I would hear anyone say that,” Flo replied, finally turning pink. “Thank you for giving me a new experience. Those are valuable. I admire your integrity, Nav. You want nothing more than to lose, but you refuse to outright throw the contest. Our eavesdropping siblings are a mix of surprised and disappointed.”

“Disappointed?”

“Ice and the Rains were planning on betting for you in the underground scene. Ice had faith in you while the Rains thought we would never let you make a fool of yourself and would step in to save the day.”

“I’m sorry for letting you down, Ice. I feel no sympathy for you two, Raine and Rain. I will let the two of you cuddle me later to make up for it, though, but not at the same time. You two can pick who goes first. Oh, and let me know where to place bets. I want to put some money on Kat.”

“You think Kat is going to win?” Darya asked.

“They’re picking the best woman. Kat has us all beat in looks, hands down. She’s skilled in various fields, dextrous, knowledgeable in certain areas, a good actor, and a complete sociopath. That basically makes her the perfect woman in this awful post-apocalyptic society, doesn’t it?”

“The fact that I can’t say you’re wrong fills me with unease,” Darya replied, her body turning blue. “Though… To be fair, your memories of your life in America are certainly rose-colored. Your city was rife with crime, was it not? To the point where you yourself had a gun pointed at you.”

“That’s because America was suffering from cultural rot. I’d still say life there was generally better than life here. You know, assuming you didn’t live in a huge city. Although I guess if you gave us six thousand years to work with, there’s no telling what might have happened. From what Ava was saying and from the little I saw when we went back in time, it was basically an authoritarian corporatocracy.”

“And yet, despite knowing that, you intend to create the monopoly to end all monopolies,” Flo said.

“Isn’t that just Celestia’s way of showing me that she intends to work with me going forward, long-term?” I asked. “I’m not planning on creating a corporatocracy. We’re redoing fascism, instead. It’ll be the extremely lucrative merger of state and business. And it’ll only be fascism on the side, as it were, since I won’t be taking over everything. Private businesses will still be viable.”

“I’m sorry, am I supposed to be less worried that you’re a fascist instead of a corporatist?” Flo asked.

“I guess it’s all about your definition. I don’t see any reason that fascism has to require smacking people around. Making them happier is much more profitable. It’s just, there’s really no way to describe state-run businesses other than fascism. The point is, you know me, Flo. I’m not in this to wield my power in a way that hurts people. I’m just going to give them a higher standard of living until they’re all prisoners to it, and then use that to keep myself safe from Celestia and other nobles. Isn’t that what she intended when she gave me the reins?”

“I am, as ever, entranced by the way you think,” Flo replied, finally giving in and hugging me. “It’s so utterly alien! Ah, you’re truly my favorite, Navi…”

“That sounds a lot like a no to me.”

“Princess Newlestia never imagined a future in which you might need to defend yourself from her,” Flo said. “She would be quite disturbed to hear you say such a thing, in fact!”

“Just how innocent did you make her? Good lord, I worry for Equestria…”

“It’s just, if you ever need to defend yourself from her, it’ll mean that you changed so much that she turns against you. And it would hurt her to lose you, of course. Or failing that, it would mean you’re still afraid of her reverting back.”

“I am still afraid of that. Don’t count Oldlestia out yet, Flo. That monster was ancient and wiley and yet despite that, she went down way too easily. I know we held the advantage, but… I can’t ignore my instincts.”

“I erased her myself. There’s not a speck of malice left.”

“I don’t doubt you, Flo, but I’m going to be jumping at her shadow for a while. It’ll just take time, I’m sure.”

“Hm… Trauma is difficult to deal with, I know. Speaking of, Newlestia is requesting permission to cook breakfast for you and your guests this morning.”

“Shiny and Cadance were purposefully snubbing her yesterday, so… yes. I’m willing to let her annoy me if it means annoying both of them. Just maybe don’t word my answer that way.”

“This is technically the same mare you once told in a letter to go fuck herself with a rake, you know,” Flo said. “She’ll definitely just giggle at what you said.”

“I don’t want to give her ammo. She may never use it, but even arming her in the first place is a mistake.”

“Then you should watch what you say at all times, not just when she is near. She is coming.”

Soon enough, our temporary maid appeared before me with a smile on her face. “Good morning, my lady,” Celestia in disguise said.

“Good morning. So, are you going to pretend to be someone else in front of them? Or are you okay with them knowing who you are?”

“Did you ever tell them I do this occasionally?” she asked.

“Not that I can remember.”

“Then I’d like to see how long it’ll take them to notice! It’s important for me to have my maid act down.”

“I don’t know why you would consider that important, but I’ll take your word for it. Sunny’s a little too on the nose, so what name would you prefer?”

“Cadance already knows all my common ones, so I’ll have to go a little outside the box. Hm… Do you have any thoughts, Navi?”

“Nah man, pony names are a complete trip. And trust me, after that bastard king dosed me, I know what a trip is. I ain’t gonna touch that with any length of pole.”

“I see. I would like a full debriefing on your meeting with their royalty later, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t. In case Flo didn’t already tell you, their royal family will be visiting Canterlot for the pageant. I’m not sure for how long, though.”

“...You fucked him, didn’t you?”

“Up the bum with a toy, yes. I also smacked him around a little and just overall tormented him. We both had a lot of fun, though I’m not actually all that happy about it.”

“Thus, the reason you tell me all the details. I’d bet you’ve been sharing it with everyone, haven’t you?”

“With a smile on my face.”

“As long as you keep the details of what we do private, I don’t care. You may spread that you’ve done lewd things with me, just don’t spread what exactly those lewd things were.”

That ship has already sailed, I’m afraid. “‘Kay. So, have you picked a name?”

“Is Crystal Drop acceptable?”

“It is. Do as you please, as long as you’re not overly obnoxious about it. And don’t hog Skyla too much.”

“...I will try to hold myself back. But I just wanna smush those cute little cheeks of hers!”

“You should try Cadance’s, too. More importantly, you should try it when you’re human.”

“Well, basically everything is better as a human,” she replied. “You’re the originals, after all.”

“I don’t actually know if that’s true or not,” I said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if magical beings like fae and unicorns existed before humans. They just went mostly extinct as a certain unpleasant demon eradicated magic from the world. But as humans faded and magic reentered the world, the fae returned. With the use of artifacts like the dream machines, the humans imparted more intelligence upon the mostly bestial fae. And now we have talking alicorns roaming around.”

“That was the purpose of the dream machine?!”

“As far as I’m able to tell, yes. It seems like the act of dreaming itself does something to impart intelligence. Maybe it helps stimulate the brain? I don’t know. There was probably a lot more to it than that. Anyway, you should probably get cooking before everyone starts waking up.”

“As you command, my lady,” she replied with the perfect bow. “Breakfast will be ready within the hour. Oh, do you think I should change my voice, or would that make it too difficult for them?”

“This is your show, Crystal. You’re free to write the script and set the stage how you choose. I’ll be watching from the crowd, so do your best.”

“With a smile, my lady. So, that’s Gilda, Cadance, Skyla, and Shining Armor, plus you, Taya, Luna, and Spike. Anyone else?”

“Luna actually just got back, so she might be going to bed very soon. And Twilight’s also staying the night, if you want to tack her on.”

“I do! I was wondering where that delinquent student of mine went off to… She could have at least warned me she wouldn’t make it last night…”

“Yes, she could have. Flo didn’t tell you when Twilight showed up here?”

“She did, but that’s not the point.”

“Fair enough. That’s everyone, then. Well, unless you want to make something for Eva, but she’s a changeling.”

“No, it’s rude to offer a changeling food,” Crystal replied. “You or Cadance can feed her.”

“I’d be happy to, of course. I’ll see you at breakfast, Crystal.”

“Yes, my lady.” She bowed again and finally departed for the kitchen. I realized that there wasn’t really much left for me to do outside and that going in was my only option, but that would mean walking next to someone I just said goodbye to. That would be too awkward, so I decided to start swinging my sword again instead.

It was clearly the only option. I endured Flo’s giggles.

Still, it felt good to get my body moving again, even if it was now jiggling more than it ever had. Given that my muscles were starting to whine after just a few minutes of exertion, I knew I had been sleeping for far too long. I figured with Hera’s magic, I wouldn’t have deteriorated that much. Thankfully, being a tree sister meant I didn’t tire easily, even if my body started aching a little.

Luckily for my muscles, my training was soon interrupted by the youngest filly in my house. Unluckily, she appeared with quite the entrance. One moment I was swinging my sword, the next I was teleporting. I appeared closer to the house in front of a terrified Skyla. Her horn was super bright and I heard an explosion behind me. I spun around, lifting the sword up to defend her, only to find… nothing. Or rather, nothing unusual, aside from the crater that was now in my yard.

I turned back to Skyla, putting away my sword. “What’s wrong, Skyla?”

“You were under attack!” she shouted, jumping forward to hug me.

“Wait, what? By who?”

“Someone invisible!” she wailed. “You were just fighting them off, weren’t you?!”

What, are you serious? “I was practicing, Skyla,” I replied, finally hugging her back. “Swinging my sword around is part of that. I wasn’t—”

The sound of another teleport cut me off. Taya appeared, still in her bunny pajamas, and a shield instantly covered us. “Who’s attacking?” she asked, looking around. “I don’t sense anyone else but Spider in the backyard.”

“It was a misfire,” I replied. “Stand down.”

“Hm…” She eyed the crater for a moment before tapping her horn. “You were just teleported, mommy. Are you telling me Skyla teleported you?”

“She did. She also caused that crater. Would you fill it in for me?”

“Yes, mommy.” The shield over us disappeared and she started walking over to the crater, her ears flopping about and fluffy bunny tail bouncing in the wind.

Thankfully, the guards arrived moments later, along with a curious Crystal Drop. Explaining things away didn’t take long and they all went back to it, leaving me with Taya and Skyla. Cadance and Shiny never showed up, so Doppel probably did a real number on them.

“So… why do you need to practice swinging a sword?” Skyla asked when she was finally calmed down.

“One, to keep in shape. Two, to help my body remember the motions of a proper swing. Three, so I can defend myself if necessary. It’s similar to why you practice flying.”

“Hm… Isn’t it more efficient to just hire guards, though?” she asked.

“Yes,” Taya replied. “Besides, that’s why I’m around.”

“That’s not the only reason I keep you around, Taya,” I said, patting her on the head. Her bunny ears were very fuzzy, so I decided to pet them while talking. “Your body is fun to play with, for example. Petting, cuddling, booping, all that fun stuff.”

“Best mommy ever,” she said, finally claiming one of my arms. Sadly, that ruined my ability to play with her fake ears.

“Hm… My mommy cuddles me, but she doesn’t pet me or boop me,” Skyla said.

“Sounds like my mommy is better, then.”

“I haven’t been pet yet, but I’ve heard it’s a lot of fun,” Skyla said. “Apparently daddy really enjoyed it last night, according to Doppel! I’m not sure that’s enough to make someone a good mommy, though…”

“Sounds like the perfect time for an experiment,” Taya said, eyeing my hands. “Why don’t you pet her, mommy?”

“I got permission from her parents last night,” I said. “But that’s up to Skyla, of course. I won’t pet her without permission.”

“Did you have daddy’s permission to pet him?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“He gave me as much permission as he always does,” I said. “And as Doppel said, he enjoyed every moment of it. There should be plenty of time before breakfast if you want to try it out.”

“If it feels so good… Would you like me to pet you, Lady Navi?” Skyla asked.

“No, it doesn’t work with hooves or on humans,” I said. “I’d have to be a pony and you’d have to be a human. But really, don’t worry about me. You’re the princess here, after all.”

“And… princess outranks lady, right?” Skyla asked. “So if I told you to let me pet you, I could pet you?”

“No, that’s not what it means, I’m afraid,” I said. “I’m a lady of a foreign nation, so you do socially outrank me, but you don’t really have the ability to give me orders. Or maybe I should rather say, I’m not required to follow orders you give.”

“So what you’re saying is… you’re really stubborn?”

“Yep,” Taya answered for me. “If you don’t want mommy to pet you, do you want me to pet you? I’m nowhere near as good at it, though…”

“You’re normally a pony, right?” Skyla asked. “Which is better, petting or being pet?”

“Definitely being pet,” Taya replied with a nod.

“Then can you turn me into a human and Lady Navi into a pony? That way, I can repay her for yesterday!”

“That… would definitely be cute,” Taya said. “But… No, I can’t let you pet my mommy. My sister and I have to go first.”

“Basically though, no,” I said. “I won’t consent, either to being turned into a pony or being petted while a pony. And that’s to everyone, so don’t think I discriminate.”

“Are you… are you really saying no to such a cute filly?” Taya asked. “Is that you, Doppel?”

“You would know right away,” I replied, booping Taya. “So, would you like me to pet you, Skyla?”

“Hm… Maybe later.” Don’t mind me, I’ll be back when I’m done killing myself… “Would you like me to grow your grass back? I did kinda put a hole there…”

“Do you know the spell for that?” Taya asked.

“No, but I can just connect the magic from those pretty trees to it for a minute.” Skyla’s horn lit up and… something happened. Moments later, a batch of exotic flowers sprouted in the ground where she put the crater. “There! Much better.”

“...That’s just cheating,” Taya muttered. “What the buck? Tch, alicorns…”

“Well done, Skyla,” I said, patting her on the head. “And thank you for repairing it.”

“Is that not petting?” Skyla asked.

“No, that’s patting. This is petting.” I demonstrated by petting the back of Taya’s head. Sadly, I couldn’t reach her hair, but the bunny fur was still nice and soft.

“Oh, that makes sense,” Skyla said. “You sure do know a lot, Lady Navi!”

“I’m afraid you just know too little,” I said. “But from the looks of things, you might surpass me within ten years.”

“Only if you give up on learning more, maybe,” Skyla replied. “Why don’t you like being pet?”

“Because I don’t like being a pony. Being turned into something else feels very uncomfortable for me.”

“Huh. So why do you become human, Taya?”

“Because being more like mommy is fun sometimes. It’s inconvenient to do it outside, though. We get a lot of stares…”

“Being a princess is like that, too,” Skyla said. “It’s kinda fun sometimes, like you’re always at the center of a parade!” Well, aren’t you just a constant ray of sunshine? Alas, if only my own filly could be so perfect. I guess that’s what I get for picking up a damaged and abandoned model.

“Alicorns are just about as rare as humans, after all,” I said. “It makes sense that you’d also be centers of attention.”

“Hm… How rare are humans, anyway?” Skyla asked. “You’re the only one I’ve ever seen!”

“To my knowledge, there are four of us left,” I replied. “Though I have a lead on two others, so there might be six or more. You’ll be meeting two of them today, after breakfast. They may also ask to pet you, but just tell them that I have first dibs.”

“I met you first, so I guess that’s fair,” she replied. “But… only four? Are you rare mutations, like the alicorns?”

“That’s not actually what alicorns are,” I replied. “But no, we’re not mutations. Well, of the four of us, three of us are definitely mutated, but humans are a race that existed a long time ago. We died out. The three of them managed to find ways to survive through time. I only recently arrived in this time.”

“You only just recently got here and you’re already a noble lady?”

“A lot of stuff happened.”

“Plus, mommy’s really powerful,” Taya said. “She’s done all kinds of incredible things. She even saved your kingdom by beating up a king with her bare hands.”

“You have bear hands?! Where do you keep them?! And… what happened to the bear?”

“The bear started it,” I replied. “It was attacking a friend of mine. I managed to defend her, but lost that time. I tracked it down later and killed it so it wouldn’t attack anyone else.” And also to get revenge for my finger, even if it did grow back. “I’m not sure how the taxidermist did it, but the stuffed bear can be found in the natural science section of the museum in Canterlot. It was a monster bear called an ursa major.”

“Wait… what does that have to do with my kingdom?” Skyla asked.

“Nothing at all,” I replied. “What Taya meant is that I used nothing but my hands, not that I used the hands of a bear. And that’s also not technically true, because I kicked him a few times, too. Basically, I fought him unarmed and beat him up until he cheated and used magic.”

“Cheaters never win though, right?” Skyla asked.

“No, cheaters win pretty often, actually,” I said. “After all, if you can’t prove they’re cheating, they’ll just get away with it. That’s why you need to learn to cheat. You’ll never be able to catch cheaters, otherwise. But we ended up beating that king even after he used magic by using even more overpowered magic. Something about a crystal heart? I dunno, I was focusing on something else.”

“You also saved Equestria,” Taya said.

“I just helped. Celestia did most of the work. Everyone else was just stupidly standing around as she was starting to get overpowered, so I stepped in to help settle things.”

“Is that the time you stopped the evil changeling queen?” Skyla asked.

“I’m not sure about the word evil, but yes, I was referring to the time I shot the changeling queen with a crossbow. Anyway, should we go check on the status of breakfast?”

“So you’re stubborn and shy? That’s a weird combination.”

“You’re so adorable, Skyla,” I replied, picking her up to place her on my shoulders. With her secure, we began walking for the door. “I’m not really that shy anymore, I just don’t like talking about myself. Some of the others who live here enjoy talking about me, though, so if you’re interested, feel free to talk to my subjects. Though it sounds like Eva has already talked your ears off.”

“Mommy told me a few stories, too. And I heard a few of the maids talking about how good you smelled. They were right, too! But you don’t deny being stubborn?”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Cadance told you some stories,” I replied. “Well, I’m sure you might hear a few more while you’re in Canterlot. Just know that some of the details may have become… embellished.” We got to the entrance of the sun room, so Taya opened the doors with magic to let us in. We continued on toward the kitchen, mostly ignoring the few tired guards who were sitting around.

“So you didn’t slap the princess in the face twice in front of visiting royalty?” Skyla asked.

“I said some of the details, not all of them. That technically did happen, but the visitor was only the changeling queen, so it didn’t count.”

“That sounds racist,” Taya replied.

“It’s not because she’s a changeling, it’s because she’s essentially the queen of a vassal nation at this point.” My crew was used to weirdness, so none of them paid our conversation any mind as we made our way through the sun room.

“Why were you slapping Princess Celestia, though?” Skyla asked.

“Because she deserved it. I had a lot of disagreements at that time with Celestia, but we get along better now.”

“Is that why she’s making breakfast right now?” Skyla asked as we finally walked into the kitchen. Crystal Drop flinched, but otherwise didn’t stop cooking.

“Is that what it looks like to you?” I asked.

“Daddy says you’re not supposed to answer questions with questions,” Skyla said. “I mean, isn’t that Princess Celestia? I thought mommy was the only princess that liked cooking breakfast…”

“Oh, right, I bet those special eyes of yours can see right through any disguise.”

“Special eyes?” Celestia asked, finally turning to face us. “You didn’t mention that, my lady.”

“Athena said they’re some kind of special magic eyes that can see fate. We’re going to take her to visit after breakfast to see if they can give us more information after looking at her.”

“I see. That’s quite impressive. Well, I am acting as my lady’s maid so I can spend time with her without bothering her other servants. You might be able to see through it, but I’m currently disguised as another pony entirely. I would appreciate if you could keep my secret.”

“Just call her Crystal Drop if you see her here,” I said.

“Hm… Isn’t that lying, though?” Skyla asked.

“No, it’s acting,” I replied. “A lie is a single untruth. Acting is where you live something that isn’t true. It’s not dishonest, it’s just a profession, or sometimes a hobby.”

“...Lady Navi, do you already know everything?” Skyla asked, sounding strangely impressed.

“I’m afraid I told you the truth earlier, Skyla. You just know too little. This is an important distinction for a princess to know, so I guess I should mention spies, who also lie as a profession. They do so in order to uncover secrets or to get in positions where they can cause damage. Actors usually pretend to be other people just as a hobby or to entertain others. The difference is intent.”

“Oh my, you’re actually taking the initiative to teach someone?” Celestia asked. “I thought it would take you years to get there!”

“Tell me about it,” Taya muttered, glaring at the filly hanging on my back. Thankfully, Skyla couldn’t see it from where she was positioned.

“Don’t hurt my feelings, I’m sensitive,” I replied. “Anyway, we just came in to check on breakfast.”

“Soon,” Celestia replied. “Prepare your body, my lady. I’ll have much to shove into it.”

“Thank you. Then we’ll get out of your way.”

“Wait!” Skyla said before I could move. “I don’t wanna be the only princess who can’t cook! Can’t you teach me?”

Celestia blinked in surprise before smiling. “I would love to, but some of this is dangerous. You should wait until you’re a little bigger before trying to cook. Besides, I believe Cadance would be upset if I taught you before she can. But once she teaches you the basics, I’d be happy to teach you enough to surpass her!”

“Are you really better than mommy?” Skyla asked.

“You’ll find out for yourself soon,” I replied. “Now, Taya, go get changed and find your siblings. We’ll be in the sun room.”

“What’s wrong with this?” Taya asked, looking down at her fluffy outfit.

“I don’t have any problems with it, but I’m sure Doppel would complain. That means it’s not noble-like or whatever. You’re also welcome to turn back into a pony and go without clothes entirely.”

“Can’t I just go without clothes as a human?”

“No, now go get changed.” She continued quietly grumbling, but did as I said.

“The view up here is better, but being held in your arms was more comfy,” Skyla said.

“Like this?” I asked, dropping her down from my shoulders into a proper princess-carry. Although I could probably only call it that since Skyla was a princess, since I was actually holding her like you would a baby.

“Yeah, it’s soft, warm, and cozy here!” she replied.

“I’m happy to hear that. I would also like to point out that this is one of the prime positions to be pet in.”

“That’s good to know, Lady Navi. Hm, do you think I should wake my parents up for breakfast?”

“I mean, they are technically on vacation. I don’t see any problem with letting them sleep in. But you can go wake them up if you want. Alternatively, we can ask a maid to do it.”

“...Vacation is the only time I can do it myself.”

“Then by all means,” I replied, finally setting her down. “Make sure to keep Crystal’s secret.”

“Right! I’ll be back soon, Lady Navi.” She trotted off upstairs, allowing me to finally claim a seat. There was no one that I particularly needed to speak with in the sun room, so I just took a chair at an empty table and stared out the window. I was doing my utmost to appear unapproachable so nobody decided to bother me without a good reason.

The first person to do so was Twilight, who walked over and nuzzled me. “Morning, Nav,” she said. “Have a good night?”

“I’ve had better. Starting it by getting tickled ruined the whole experience.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. At least what happened after was fun, right?”

“True, I did two fun things after that. Anyway, breakfast should be ready soon.”

“Well, I’m going to go help myself to some tea to help me wake up. I’ll be back in a few minutes. You can tell me about that second thing then.”

“See you soon.” She nuzzled me again before walking off, presumably toward the kitchen.

Moments after she turned the corner, Taya and Mimeo walked in together. They were now back in their natural bodies and neither were wearing anything. They made a beeline for my table and claimed the two seats on my sides.

“So, what did you do all night, mother?” Mimeo asked.

“Practiced my sword and rewarded two vassals for their excellent work. Would you like mommy to feed you, Mimeo?”

“...That feels weird,” he replied, looking away and blushing. “P-please don’t talk like that…”

“Would you care to feast on your mother?” I asked.

“Can’t you just say it normally?”

“There’s a normal way to say something like that?” Taya asked.

“You could just ask if I want breakfast.”

Where’s the fun in that, though? “Can’t you just answer a question?” I replied. “There’s no need to make things so difficult when you know my intent.”

“I don’t even see anything wrong with it,” Taya said. “Why don’t you ever talk to me like that?”

“Because you would enjoy it, obviously,” Mimeo said. “She just did it to me because it makes me uncomfortable…”

“You make me out to be such a villainess,” I said. “That’s no way to talk about your mother, especially as she’s offering to feed you. Or would you rather feed off Taya or Cadance?”

“...I would rather have breakfast prepared by my mother, of course,” he finally replied.

“That’s all you had to say, you know,” I replied as I snatched him out of his seat for a cuddle. “I really do enjoy how light changelings are. It makes holding you so much easier.”

“Would you like me to take on the form of something softer and fuzzier?” my son asked.

“No, you’re fine just the way you are,” I said. “Enjoy your breakfast, honey.”

It didn’t seem like he enjoyed that wording either, but didn’t let that stop him from feeding on me anyway. “Hm, even now… you taste different than ponies. Especially from Cadance’s magic.”

“Your mother’s home cooking is always different, silly,” I said, using it as an excuse to hug him tighter. He sighed in derision, but didn’t reply.

“You know… I still haven’t tried turning into a changeling yet,” Taya said. “I kinda wonder how mommy tastes, too…” Surprisingly, that prompted Mimeo to hug me back and turn quite an intense stare toward his sister. “Of all the things, that’s what makes you jealous?”

When he realized what he did, Mimeo gasped and tried to push away, but obviously I wouldn’t let him go. “There’s no way I’d let you get away after something that adorable, silly! You don’t have to hide it, you know…”

Luckily for him, we were interrupted by the arrival of tea. And also Twilight, I suppose. She took the seat that was previously Mimeo’s and placed cups in front of everyone who could actually eat and drink. “Good morning, Taya and Eva,” Twilight said. “Or… Wait, you’re not Eva. Mimeo?”

“...Good morning, Twilight,” he replied. It was slightly muffled given that he was pressed into my bosom, but it was audible enough.

“For someone who bemoans her fate as female, you sure do enjoy teasing the boys, Nav,” Twilight said.

“What’s cute is cute. At least I’m not as bad as Rarity. Besides, how else am I supposed to treat my son?”

“Well, he was hugging you back a second ago, so I guess it’s not really a problem… And you do need to feed him, so I’ll let you off the hook this time.” With his only avenue of escape cut off, Mimeo surrendered and finally hugged me back, blushing up a storm all the while. Teasing him for that would be a little too mean, so I just giggled and softly patted his back as he fed on me.

That said, I didn’t want to force feed him. When he finally stopped eating, I let him go. Amusingly enough, he either didn’t notice or just wanted to stay put, because he continued hugging me and blushing for a few seconds. Finally, his ears twitched and he shot away, using his wings to actually fly off to make it easier.

“I… I think I’m gonna t-take a short walk,” he said before making a beeline for the door leading outside.

“Guess he needs to walk off breakfast,” I said with a shrug, leaning back in my seat and smiling. “I never expected him to be so shy.”

“I’m not really sure how any boy would act any differently after being subjected to that,” Twilight said. “If you aren’t careful, you might give them another complex.”

“That… Well, maybe.” Since she went through the effort of bringing me tea, I went through the effort of drinking some of it. “Did you notice our chef for the day?”

“Yes. She gave me quite an earful, too. And then she had the nerve to ask me to keep her a secret.”

“Let her have this. It’s not like she has much else to do for fun. As long as I’m not her target, I’m fine with her playing around.”

“Well… True, I don’t guess there’s any harm to it. She told me Skyla saw right through her, though.”

“Yeah, her magic eyes did the trick. She just went to wake her parents.”

“Uh… Was that a good idea? I mean, after what Doppel did…”

“I’m sure Doppel would have made them very messy, but she wouldn’t have let them stay that way. I’m not worried.”

“...If you break Skyla, I don’t think either of her parents will forgive you.”

“I’m doing my best to make sure I’m not the one who breaks her. I like to think I’ve been doing a good job.”

“Uh huh. And what was that explosion earlier?”

“A misfire that wasn’t my fault.”

“Skyla was just a little too innocent,” Taya added.

“I was practicing with my sword when Skyla came outside,” I said. “Moments later, I teleported in front of her and she destroyed everything around where I had been standing. Apparently she thought I was under attack by something invisible.”

“That… would be a lot cuter if it didn’t involve teleporting or explosions.”

“My thoughts exactly. I explained things to her, of course, and she and Taya fixed the hole in the yard.”

“Well, I’m excited to finally spend some time with her today. So don’t think you’ll get to hog her, Navi.”

First come, first served. “I would never dream of it. After all, I have two children of my own to hog.”

“Actually, I have classes today,” Taya replied.

“After all, I have a child of my own to hog.”

“Well, have fun with him, I guess,” Twilight said. “You know, assuming he won’t be avoiding you for the rest of the day…”

“I will. Humans are especially blessed when it comes to pursuit hunting. He can try avoiding me if he wants, but I’ll track him down until he gives up and accepts his status as my cuddlebug.”

“You’re starting to sound like Pinkie, you know,” Twilight said.

“This body is a failure,” I said with a sigh, rising to my feet. “I’m going to go throw myself off the cliff. When I respawn out of my tree, tell me I had no other choice.”

“Mommy, don’t be so dramatic,” Taya said, using magic to sit me back down. “As if we’d ever let you do something so dangerous. But don’t worry: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with tracking people down and cuddling them when they try to avoid you. It’s one of the best ways to express your love, isn’t it?”

“No, that’s called being a stalker,” Twilight replied.

“Yeah, and stalkers are full of love,” Taya replied.

“Alright, I’ve said some pretty messed up stuff, but I don’t think you got that from me,” I said.

“Oh, Kat taught me that,” Taya said. “I learned a lot from her while you were in the coma, mommy!”

“You know that Kat is crazy, right?” I asked.

“She’s also had a very interesting life and has a lot to teach, crazy or not,” Taya replied. “She knows all about true love, for instance.”

“Let’s leave that one there before we go down a rabbit hole we can’t escape from,” I replied. “Just… ask me before trying anything you learned from Kat on anyone else.”

“I may be an eternafilly, but that doesn’t mean I need you butting in on my love life, mommy.”

“I’m with Nav on this one,” Twilight said. “With your powers, there aren’t many colts who could escape if you started stalking them.”

“Doesn’t that mean I have my pick of the litter when it comes to the dating pool, then?” Taya asked, her head tilting.

“Yes, you’re going to need to spend more time with Fleur. She can help get rid of all that nonsense Kat filled your head with.”

“Aww… Kat’s art of the hunt sounded so fun, too…”

“I would feel really bad about having to ban you from talking to two of our vassals alone, so don’t make me,” I said. “With Flo in your head, you should be better than this.”

“I feel like there’s a pot somewhere calling a kettle black,” Twilight muttered.

“Although… I feel like I probably should ban you from being alone with both of them at the same time,” I said. “Luna took me and Kat to the moon. Things almost got weird. I’d hate to see what they’d end up doing to you, either on purpose or accident…”

“Wait, why did Luna magic you off to the moon?” Twilight asked.

“Because you were sleeping on my bed.”

“That’s not an answer!”

“When my vassals got back from fighting the undead, I knew I had to reward them for their service. The first thing that came to mind was brushing them and petting them. You were in my room and I couldn’t think of anywhere else good to do it. Luna suggested a base she built on the moon, so that’s where we went. Thankfully, it was pretty fun instead of pretty weird. Well, except for the button, but don’t worry about that.”

“If you didn’t want me to worry about it, you probably shouldn’t have mentioned it at all,” Twilight said with a sigh. “Well, whatever. I’m not sure if brushing and petting is the best possible reward you could give your vassals, but…”

“Kat said nothing would make her happier and Luna was extremely interested in the idea as well,” I replied.

“You haven’t even brushed me in ages,” Taya muttered, pouting and looking away.

“You haven’t killed any undead in ages, have you?” I asked. “I mean, it’s hardly a reward if I just give that treatment out all willy-nilly. Although… I might do it tonight. I mean, you are my filly, after all.” And I bet if Skyla sees me brushing Taya, she’ll beg to try it as well!

“And your marefriend?” Twilight asked, batting her eyelashes at me devilishly.

“Maybe, but only if you keep it quiet. As I said, it’s hardly a reward if I just go around brushing everyone. It would devalue their effort.”

“Thus, the reason I don’t think it’s the best idea as a reward,” she replied. “But I’ve never had any vassals, so what would I know?”

“Aren’t you allowed a vassal or two?” I asked. “I don’t think you have a domain, but I think all nobles can still have at least one.”

“I’ve never needed one and there’s never been anyone who’s caught my eye,” she said. “Not to mention, it takes a lot for someone to be willing to devote themselves wholly to you. Especially someone worth turning into a vassal. I’ve never really had the chance.”

“It’s not always all it’s cracked up to be,” I said with a sigh.

“Isn’t sighing bad?” Skyla suddenly asked from right next to me. “I thought it was happiness leaving the body?”

“That sounds like an urban legend,” I replied, booping her. I finally looked back and discovered she had pulled both of her parents from bed, though neither looked like they were quite ready to wake up. “Good morning. Have a good night?”

“Yep, it was great,” Cadance quietly replied as she practically collapsed into a chair at the table. “We didn’t get much sleep, but… it was great…”

“I… do not have any comments,” Shiny uselessly added. He was a little more spry, but his limp was more noticeable and he flinched a little when he sat down. “Well, aside from good morning.”

“Luckily, we have coffee,” I said. “Skyla, would you be willing to use some of your boundless energy to ask Crystal Drop to make some for three?”

“Yep!” the perfect filly replied. She trotted back off. I expected her to ask to try some, but as a perfect filly, she instantly knew her place.

“So, that third is for me, right?” the considerably less perfect filly next to me asked.

“You don’t need coffee, Taya,” I replied. “You’re a filly. That means you always have energy. Twilight doesn’t like it, so that leaves me, Shiny, and Mia.”

Taya looked like she wanted to reply to that, but Twilight instantly cut her off with, “Who is Mia?”

“That would be me,” Cadance said. “I demanded Nav come up with a nickname for me. What do you think?”

“Why… Oh, I get it. Mi Amore, Mia… Yeah, I think it works, but… Well, don’t most ponies just know you by Cadance now?”

“That’s why it’s the perfect nickname,” I replied. “Only those close to her would get it. Although for now… It’s a name that only the two of us share.”

“I got Twiggles first, so that’s fine,” Twilight said. “But I don’t see why I wouldn’t get to use it!”

“It’s still just on a trial basis,” Cadance said. “Don’t think too far into it.”

“Sorry, I’m always somewhat leery when the woman I’m courting has a special nickname with another mare…”

“That’s a good reaction to have, I agree,” Cadance replied. “Especially when it comes to Nav. I mean, she gave Chrysalis a full on new name, then a nickname on top of it! If you aren’t careful, she’ll snatch Navi up.”

“Yes, but Moonbeam will allow us to continue playing with her,” Twilight said. “So it wouldn’t really be the end of the world, even if it would be disappointing.”

“She will now, sure,” Cadance said. “But what if Nav becomes a man again? Do you really think Moonie would ever let a single drop go to another mare?” Twilight thought about that for a few seconds before looking me up and down, sizing me up. “Love is not just a battlefield, Twilight. It’s a war. You have to think not just about the immediate day-to-day fight, but also the battles you’ll have to fight in the future.”

“Can you give the rest of your spiel when I’m out of earshot?” I asked.

“If you’d stop waffling around and make a decision, none of this would be necessary,” Cadance said. “But fine.”

“Nav… I’ll either win your heart or convince you to start a harem,” Twilight replied. “I’ll leave it at that for now.”

“How gallant of you.” I probably sounded sarcastic, yet… I felt something moving inside of me. I wasn’t quite sure what, but it didn’t feel all that bad.

“So, is Twilight your local mistress?” Skyla asked from the same exact spot.

“Sorta,” I replied, patting the filly on the head. “Specifically, she’s my pony mistress. She travels with me, so she can’t be my local mistress. By the way, where did you learn the phrase local mistress?”

“Daddy and his guard friends,” Skyla innocently replied. I suddenly felt an intense heat a few seats down, but paid it absolutely no mind. “And breakfast is ready and should be out in moments!”

“Thank you. Feel free to take any chair.” She trotted over to join her parents with a big smile on her face. At the moment, Cadance was facing Shiny, so I couldn’t see the expression she was wearing. Given the terrified expression on his face, I was quite thankful.

Right as Skyla seated herself, the food began carting in. A part of me expected more people to be awake, but I figured Crystal Drop would be dragging some of them out of their beds soon. At the moment, she was wearing quite the demure expression as she floated all the dishes onto our table. Once the plates were in place, she added four cups of coffee. Taya got the fourth, so apparently her wish was granted. Finally came the sugar and cream.

“Thank you, Crystal,” I said, dosing my coffee with a decent amount of cream and an excessive amount of sugar. “This sweet nectar of life will help us trudge through this dreary day.”

“I’m happy to be of service, my lady,” she replied. Her voice hadn’t exactly been changed, but she was talking in a tone that you’d never expect to hear from a princess. Neither Cadance nor Shiny so much as batted an ear. “Is there anything else you require?”

“Not at the moment. But it would be a shame if we were the only ones to partake. Would you be willing to go see if anyone else is awake?”

“It would be my pleasure, Lady Navarone,” she replied with a bow. She started walking back out with a small smile on her face.

She didn’t get very far, though. “Wait,” Cadance hissed, turning to glare at the mare. A fork was floating in her magical grip and she was clearly still chewing. Celestia froze, but didn’t turn back. “Would you introduce yourself, please?” Cadance sounded a lot colder than usual. Either she had a suspicion or she really was that angry at Shiny.

Celestia finally turned back around, but didn’t meet Cadance’s gaze. “My name is Crystal Drop, your highness. My lady hired me, but I am usually only here in the mornings.”

“Bullshit,” Cadance replied. “I recognize this taste anywhere, Celestia. No mortal could cook this well. Only ancient foreveralone hags who obsess over finding the perfect special somepony could cook like this!”

“That’s a… very specific accusation,” Twilight slowly said.

“How did you even disguise yourself that well?” Cadance asked, finally standing up to get a better look at my temporary maid. “I can normally at least see a flicker of your illusion magic, but this… It honestly reminds me of a changeling!”

“That’s because I am a changeling right now,” Celestia replied. “And I’m quite busy with my maid duties. Is there something else you require, your highness?”

“Why are you wasting time pretending to be a maid at Nav’s house?”

“I’m vacationing, same as you. I just happen to find different things relaxing.”

Cadance sighed and cast a forlorn gaze upon me. “Nav… Get your life under control.”

“The ruler of about half the world is my maid. How much more in control could I be? Now, your delicious breakfast is getting cold. Sit back down and turn your brain off like I have. You’re on vacation, remember?”

“...You’re right, like always,” she replied with a sigh and a shrug. “Whatever. I won’t keep you from your maid duties, Cel… Crystal. Thank you for breakfast.”

“I’m happy to serve. Please let me know if you need anything else.” Celestia bowed again and was able to successfully depart. Cadance fell back into her seat with a small groan.

“It really is better than your cooking!” Skyla said. “I had trouble believing her earlier, but she was right!”

“Wait, did you know that was Celestia?” Cadance asked.

“Yep! But she asked me to keep it a secret.”

“Skyla didn’t even realize Celestia was in disguise,” I said. “Her special eyes saw straight through it.”

“Well… I can’t deny her cooking is better,” Cadance said. “It’ll take me ages to get to her level, if I ever even can.”

“I still can’t believe you called her an ancient foreveralone hag,” Twilight said. “I’ll be remembering that one.”

“W-well… I thought about Shiny eating her cooking and about how he was looking for a local mistress and I… may have gotten a little heated in the moment…”

“I never said—”

“Eat your breakfast, Shiny,” Cadance said, cutting him off. “We have to have a quick and private talk when we’re done, after all!”

“...It may taste amazing, but it only feels like ash,” Shiny whispered, his eyes down. “At least the coffee understands me…”

“Coffee understands all of us,” I replied with a nod. “I’m hoping it’ll be one of the exports from our village, if you’re interested.”

“Do you think it could be grown under our barrier?” Cadance asked.

“I don’t think so. As far as I’m aware, our coffee fruits come from trees. The lack of light in the winter would probably do a real number on them. It’s possible Jonathan could modify them to survive up there, though. I think he gave the griffins a new wonder crop that should grow in their territory. It’s also possible we’ll discover native coffee plants when we start exploring Central America. Coffee fruits can also come from bushes, so you could set them up in a few indoor greenhouses. Although personally… I’d focus more on growing food than luxury crops.”

“With your upcoming teleportation shipping business, self-sufficiency won’t be as necessary anymore,” Cadance replied. “We’ll still grow enough food for our own ponies, but you’ll be shipping it in by the wagonload, won’t you? If we have luxury crops like coffee, it means we can also use your networks to ship it out.” Well well, the little princess has grown up.

“Should you really be talking business at breakfast?” Twilight asked. “Especially over me!” As it happened, Twilight was sitting between me and Mia.

“I mean… what do normal people talk about at breakfast?” I asked.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” Twilight replied, then proceeded with a completely bland and safe comment about what she planned to do for the day. That killed any semblance of fun, so I decided to focus on eating. After all, that was definitely a normal thing to do at breakfast.

And I gotta say, I enjoyed the feeling of Celestia’s meat inside of me. Her sweet nectar revitalized me and really got my juices flowing. It was pretty acceptable.

Chapter Two Hundred and Thirteen

Chapter Two Hundred and Thirteen

Once we were all finished with breakfast, I had Doppel fetch Athena’s book while Celestia in disguise obtained all of our offerings. I’m sure Athena had some way of magically preserving food, so Celestia was going to tap into some of her own reserves to bring in extra bacon and sausage. Shockingly enough, the bacon I had in my house was higher quality than what she was providing, so mine would be the primary offering.

“So, I heard you say we were bringing coffee with us as an offering,” Cadance quietly said as one of her hooves fiddled with her empty cup. “I take it that means you have extra?”

“I would like to take this opportunity to mention a few things,” I said. “First, coffee contains an addictive drug called caffeine. It acts like a stimulant, helping wake you up. If you get addicted to it, withdrawal comes with some bad headaches and exhaustion for a day or two. Second, as you can probably tell by Shiny’s squirming, it can affect your bladder and bowels in all kinds of ways. Less of a problem for tree sisters like me and Taya, but normies like you might have issues. And last, if you ingest too much of it, the amount of caffeine you’ll need to recreate the same effect will increase. With that all in mind, are you still interested?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes, we do have extra. I’ll show you how to make some fun drinks with it later, if you remind me.”

“It sounds pretty useful for me, so I’d also like to learn,” Twilight said. “I don’t pull as many all-nighters anymore, but I probably could if I had coffee!”

“That’s really not healthy,” I replied. “Replacing sleep with caffeine will leave you feeling more or less like a zombie. I don’t recommend it, but I also won’t tell you how to live your life.”

“...How else am I supposed to spend every waking moment with you now that you’re staying up all night?” Twilight asked.

“Magic, the same way you used to,” I said, booping her on the horn. “So, are you heading to the Zone today or are you staying here?”

“Staying here, obviously,” Twilight replied. “I really want to see the loot they’re pulling out of the area Zecora just cleansed, but spending time with family is more important.”

“The Zone is that really cool place in the crater, right?” Skyla asked. “I heard Lady Navi was the one who conquered it!”

“I was the one who led the team that conquered it, but it wasn’t just me,” I replied.

“Daddy said you were the chosen one, though, and that was why it was you who won.”

“He said that, huh?” I mused, casting an appraising gaze toward him.

He shivered a little and quickly stood. “I… I’ll be right back!” he said as he retreated. To be fair, it was obvious he needed to use the bathroom, but he clearly picked the most opportune moment possible to run.

“Well, that’s technically the truth,” I said. “The best kind of truth, if you think about it.”

“But if it’s only technically the truth, doesn’t that mean it’s really a lie?” Skyla asked.

“Yes. We were poised to conquer the place with force when the one in charge of defending the bunker recognized that I was a human. It was a secret human installation and I’m related to the one who built it. That meant I was granted permission to be there. With that, the Zone itself was pacified. The bunker underneath is still problematic, but Zecora is working on it. So I wasn’t really the chosen one, I just happened to get lucky.”

“Sounds a lot like fate, to me,” Cadance said.

“And if it’s fate, that would make you the chosen one,” Twilight said.

“Don’t think of it as fate, please,” I said with a sigh. “It’s more of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s where I went in my journey back in time. I’m dearly hoping there will be answers down there.”

“You’ve traveled back in time, too?!” Skyla shouted, jumping up out of her seat. “I’ve only ever traveled forward in time!”

“Wait, when did you go forward in time?” Cadance asked.

“Huh? We’re all doing it automatically, aren’t we?” Skyla asked. “One second at a time. But I’ve never heard of anyone going back in time!”

“Twilight did it first,” I said, patting the named mare on the head. “I never would have even thought to try it if not for her.” I’m not that dumb, after all.

“Magic is truly amazing, isn’t it?” Twilight asked with a smile.

“Yes, yes, your element is the best,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Time travel is probably something that should be used sparsely, though.”

“Says the one planning on using it to rescue an extinct species,” Cadance said.

“Yeah, but that’s a righteous cause.”

We were interrupted by the arrival of my temporary maid. “I have come bearing meat, my lady,” Celestia said, laying several packages of it on the table. “I hope these offerings please the goddesses.”

“You and me both.” Doppel was also coming in with the book, so I finally stood. “Cadance, Skyla, are you ready?”

“I’m not really looking forward to it, but yes,” Cadance said, also standing. “Skyla, no matter what you may see around the two humans we’re about to meet, don’t panic. They won’t hurt you.”

“Lady Navi said they may try to pet me, but that I’ll be fine if I tell them I already promised her my first. But I’m ready!”

“Be careful in there, my lady,” Doppel said as she held the book up for me.

“Always,” I replied, taking the heavy load from her. “Cadance, can you take my meat?”

“Any time,” she replied, using magic to float all of the packages over. “Skyla, come stand close to us. We have to be together to go through.”

“So… what’s it like in there?” Skyla asked as she got closer.

“It’s really weird,” I replied. “Whatever you do, don’t leave the room we start in, especially without us. It’s perfectly safe where we start, but if you wander off, you might run into danger.”

“Why would your friends live somewhere dangerous?” Skyla asked.

“For protection.” Since we were finally all close enough together, I opened the book. The tentacles shot out and grabbed us and all the meat, then dragged us through.

“Whoa, that was weird!” Skyla shouted. “I’ve never seen or felt anything like it before!”

Her shout brought attention, of course. Hera appeared before me with a smile peeking out under her veil. “Welcome back, Nav. Have you brought our… Oh my, that one is sooo cute!” Hera pushed past me to get to Skyla, but Cadance stepped in front of her.

“We brought your bacon,” I said. “Along with some sausage and coffee.”

“I’m a lot more interested in that tiny pony you brought,” Hera said. “I must pet it!”

“Lady Navi already has first dibs,” Skyla replied, though it didn’t seem like she was trying to look Hera in the eye. Instead, Skyla seemed to be looking just slightly above her.

“Tch, of course she does,” Hera muttered, her smile disappearing. “You never let me have anything nice, do you, Nav?”

“I brought you bacon. The high quality stuff, too. I also brought you what you needed for Athena yesterday.”

“Not that she was thankful for it,” Hera muttered.

“She didn’t let you beautify her?” I asked.

“She did. She just didn’t like the result. Honestly, she has no gratitude at all!”

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” I replied. “Is… she okay?”

“Yes, she’s just off sulking.”

“...I understand that you may be out of practice, but surely the goddess Hera couldn’t possibly have made a mistake?”

Hera suddenly lunged forward and hugged me. Her comfy body fully pressed against mine and moments later, her lips were next to my ear. “If you ever accuse me of making a mistake again, I’m going to be looking into your eyes for a very long time,” she whispered in soft, velvety tones. “Then we’ll spend quite a lot of time together, just the two of us!”

“That sounds like a delightful and romantic date,” I just as softly replied, hugging her back. “If I knew that’s all it took to get you to confess to me, I—” Her arms suddenly pushed me back and I had just an instant to realize her face was bright red. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or embarrassment, though, as she instantly turned away with a huff.

“Haven’t you sulked enough, you ex-old hag?!” Hera shouted. “Get out here, Athena! The mortals have our offerings!”

“I already told you, I’m not sulking!” someone shouted back. I assumed it was Athena, but I could only assume. The Athena I knew had a dry and scratchy voice, like sandpaper grating across wood. This new voice… sounded very close to Skyla’s.

“Is… Is that Athena?” I muttered.

“Unlike that ungrateful goddess, I’m actually quite impressed with how she turned out,” Hera idly replied. “Mind, it’ll take her a couple of centuries to grow into it, but I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“It sounds like she’s… Uh, young.”

“I can absolutely guarantee that I do not have the ability to modify somebody’s age,” Hera said. “I can just modify their appearance.”

“Did you… make her look like a little girl?”

“That question has a very… complicated answer,” Hera replied.

“There’s nothing complicated about the word yes!” Athena shouted back, sounding almost like a little girl throwing a tantrum. “Fine! This is at least half your fault, so I might as well make my displeasure known!”

With that, a living doll appeared before me. I could think of no other way to describe her. Aside from the harsh glare on her face and the scowl twisting her lovely features, I’d think I was looking at some kind of tiny angel. Pale white skin, long and straight blond hair, perfectly clear and light blue eyes, light pink lips, and so perfectly symmetrical that it was clearly unnatural. Now that I actually got a look at her, I’d guess she would probably be around ten to twelve years old. The very frilly dress Hera picked out for her definitely suited her appearance, but it’s not something I’d ever expect a goddess to wear.

“Hera…” I slowly said, turning my gaze over to her.

“What?” she hissed.

I sent her a thumbs up. “Sorry for doubting you. Good job.” Athena immediately started growling and grinding her teeth.

“Why thank you!” Hera graciously replied. “See, Athena? I told you Nav was attracted to little girls!”

“That’s not what I meant, you pervert!” I immediately replied. “I just meant that you made her utterly beautiful and pretty beyond all measure, not that I was attracted to her!”

“How do you not see this as a problem?!” Athena shouted at me.

“Well… Why would it be?” I asked. That made her blink in surprise. “You already said you don’t care how you look. Was that a lie?”

“I… didn’t care. But if the option to change was there, why would she ever put me in this body?!”

“Hera, was the option there?” I asked.

“As I told you earlier, that has a very complicated answer,” Hera replied.

“Does that complicated answer involve not wanting someone else to have the possibility to be even prettier than you are?” Cadance asked.

“Well, Nav and I are already two bombshells,” Hera replied. “We clearly had to have a different kind of beauty, right? Now look at Athena! She’s the perfect girl: Permanently innocent, untouched by the ravages of time, a perpetually chaste little maiden tucked away, with her only suitors having to prove their worth just to visit her!”

“So what you’re saying is… you turned her into a little girl on purpose?” I asked. “That way, any potential suitors will ignore her and focus on you instead, right?” Athena’s glare was so intense that it felt like it was drilling through my skull.

“That’s a very damning accusation,” Hera replied. “I would appreciate it if you retracted it, Navi.”

“I would appreciate it if you denied it, first,” I said. “Once you deny it, I’ll retract it.”

“...Why did we get off the subject of our offerings, anyway?” Hera asked. “Let’s see that bacon!” Cadance wordlessly floated all of it over. Hera took one of the packages of meat and nodded. “Oh yes, this will do perfectly! Athena will need all the protein she can get if she wants to grow into a beautiful woman!” With that, Hera fled the scene, taking all the meat with her and leaving behind quite the awkward feeling.

“Do you see now why I told you not to get close to that harpy?” Athena coldly asked.

“...If I knew she was planning something like this, I wouldn’t have given her the blood. For that, I apologize.”

“This is half your fault and half my own,” Athena replied, her glare and scowl finally softening. “We both made the mistake of trusting her.”

“For what it’s worth… And if you care… You really are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, hands down. The little girl thing is kinda weird, but I honestly don’t see that as too big of a problem. Your new height might take some getting used to, but… Well, at least you’re completely human now, no longer mutated like me or Hera. Even your blush right now is making my heart beat faster. If you actually can grow, you’ll have her beat, hands down.”

“I suppose… it is an improvement, then,” she finally whispered, making no attempts to hide her blushing face. I guess after so long of being hideous, she was no longer used to compliments. Because of that, she immediately changed the subject. “But none of this is why you have come. We allowed our personal affairs to waste your time, so that makes it my turn to apologize. This is the filly you mentioned yesterday, then?”

“Yes, this is Skyla,” I replied, finally stepping out of the way so Athena could get a good look at her.

“Oh ho, I see she’s even cuter than I am,” Athena whispered, her eyes going wide.

“Right?” Cadance said with a smug grin. “Although I don’t really know what makes a human cute, if I’m honest…”

“Cute isn’t a word I would use for you, Athena,” I said. “Your beauty is too cold for that. Skyla has cuteness in spades, though. Oh, if you learn how to smile from her, you might actually bump up a few notches on the cute list!”

“Skyla, is it?” Athena said. “I can tell you’re not looking at me, but at what’s around me. What do you see?” Fine, just ignore my suggestion and keep being cold.

“Hm… I think that’s an olive branch? I see a gross group of snakes, but they’re smaller than the one on Lady Navi. I also see eight long spider legs peeking down from behind you, which is kinda creepy. There’s a chunk of a golden apple. Wow, there’s so much… I’ve never seen anything like this before! You and that jiggly lady are so cool!”

“Olive branch would be your gift to Athens, right?” I asked. “The snakes would be Medusa. The eight legs would be Arachne. I think there was a legend where one of the Erises got three goddesses into a fight over a golden apple.”

“You’re surprisingly well versed on us old ladies, Nav,” Athena said. It really felt weird to hear a little girl say something like that, but I’m used to much weirder these days. A legal loli barely makes me bat an eye.

“All of those things are in the past, though,” I said. “How do we determine if she sees anything that might happen in the future?”

“If you give me a few minutes, I can interview them both and come to an answer. In the meantime, go supervise Hera.”

“I think Cadance is more suited to being in a kitchen,” I said. “She’s much better at being a woman than I am.”

“I’ve never cooked meat before, though,” Cadance replied. “And there’s no way I could keep a handle on Hera, but you seem to have her on a pretty tight leash.”

“Is… is that what you think from what you just saw?” I asked.

“It was quite impressive, yes,” Athena said. “If Hera hugged any men like that, they would lose themselves to her immediately and fall under her spell. And most women would be petrified in terror. Instead, you fought her off without missing a beat. So I’ll be placing you in charge of her.”

I opened my mouth to complain, but before I could say anything, I was standing somewhere else. And before I could process my surroundings or shut my mouth, Hera shoved a piece of bacon into it. There wasn’t really much else I could do aside from chew, so that’s what I did.

It was, of course… “Delicious,” I said once I managed to swallow. “You’re as good at cooking as you are at beautification.”

“But of course!” she smugly replied, proudly placing her hands against her hips. It finally gave me the chance to get a look at her and the room. At the moment, she was wearing a dainty apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’. We didn’t seem to be in the main room anymore. This one was much smaller and decked out with the perfect girly charm. I assumed that made it Hera’s private sanctum. “I am, after all, the perfect wife!”

Cadance might disagree with that, but… “I’d believe it,” I replied with a smile. “Do you need any help? I can’t guarantee to be perfect, but I probably won’t just be in the way.”

“A goddess deigns to cook you breakfast and you ask if you can help… You’re strangely humble sometimes, aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t it be disrespectful to let you do everything?”

“No, you should accept the hospitality of your favorite goddess!”

“Ah, I see. Then I’ll do just that, thank you.”

“You really are much cuter when you’re being obedient,” Hera replied with a broad smile. “I’ll start working on the rest, then! You can have a seat at the table.”

Before I could ask what table she was talking about, one appeared next to her massive heart-shaped bed. Two chairs showed up moments later. I’m not sure if she made them with magic or just teleported them in from somewhere, and interacting with her more than necessary was probably unwise. With that in mind, I decided to be cute and obedient for the moment.

Of course, I immediately regretted it when I sat down and magic shackles wrapped themselves around my arms and legs to keep them in place. Hera was humming a cute tune as she continued slaving over a hot stove, so I figured this was supposed to happen. Complaining would get me nowhere and fighting back would be pointless, so I just sighed and tried to make myself comfortable.

“So… did you cook for your followers back in the day, too?” I asked after a few long seconds of painful silence. I know talking with her probably wasn’t wise, but just staring felt like it might be even more dangerous.

“Oh no, Zeus never would have allowed that,” she replied. “You’re my first, Navi!”

“I’m honored…” And a little scared, but I’ve been through worse. “I guess I should ask… Is there a reason for the shackles?”

“Not in particular, no,” she replied. “It’ll be ready soon, so don’t worry!”

“If… there’s no reason for them, can’t you—”

“I told you not to worry, silly!” That didn’t help assuage my concerns, but it did tell me she didn’t really care.

“It’s just… It’ll be hard to eat, you know?”

“That’s why I’m going to feed you.”

“Ah. But that’s unnecessary.”

“No it’s not. You’re shackled, remember? How could you possibly feed yourself?” Right, of course. “There’s no need for you to thank me, but I won’t stop you!”

“You’re a most generous goddess,” I replied, doing my best to not sound sarcastic.

As she said, it didn’t take long for her to finish. I had just eaten breakfast and I wasn’t all that hungry, but I don’t think she cared that much. At some point while cooking, she removed her veil. It made my uneasiness grow as she set down a few plates of meat on the table, followed by two cups of tea. Once everything was in place, her golden eyes fixed on mine and a smile split her face. “This will be another first of mine, now that I think about it… I’ve never fed anyone like this before…”

“Did you never cook for Zeus?” Given the way her smile dipped, I probably shouldn’t have brought him up.

“He didn’t trust me enough to eat anything I ever cooked.” I wonder if she was this fucked up before Zeus married her or if being married to that brute broke her like this. Her smile came back in full force and her eyes bore down on me with an eerie glow. “You didn’t even hesitate, though. And you thought it was delicious!”

I’m also immune to most poisons and I don’t really care if I die, so don’t look too far into it. “I don’t think you have any intention of hurting me, at least not at the moment,” I replied with a shrug. “Some of your behaviors are a little worrying, but as long as there’s something I can help you get, I’m valuable enough to keep alive.”

“Yes, you understand me so well! Ah, I truly am grateful you convinced Athena to let me join her. So let me show you some of my gratitude!” She finally grabbed a fork and knife to start serving me breakfast. It was good and it’s not like I was going anywhere in a hurry, so I did my best and ate what she offered with a smile.

“This truly is wonderful,” I said. “But do you not cook for Athena?”

“Hm? Why would I do a thing like that?” she asked, tilting her head. Seeing such a cute thing from someone so beautiful really did make my heart flutter, even if I knew this woman was terrifying.

“You seemed to enjoy feeding me. I thought you might like cooking for others.”

“Well, you are special,” she replied, reaching out to boop me. “You’ve given me many firsts. I do hope you’ll give me many more…”

“There are all kinds of ingredients I can bring that you’ve probably never had before,” I said.

“Hm, I had… other things in mind. But they can wait until after breakfast!”

“Shouldn’t we save some for your roommate?”

“I didn’t cook all of it. She can cook the rest later, at her leisure. Now say ah!” She lifted up another slice of bacon for me. I continued eating, hoping that Athena would come to rescue me soon. There were all kinds of things I could imagine Hera had never done and I really didn’t want to be her first with the vast majority of them.

When the plates before me were mostly empty, Hera finally set her fork down with a sigh. After a few seconds, she sighed again, this time with much more enthusiasm. Before she could sigh a third time, I took the hint and asked, “Is something wrong, Hera?”

“It’s just… When I think about how you belong to Discord, I start to wonder… Maybe it’s best if you stay somewhere he can’t reach you?”

“I disagree,” I immediately replied.

“Now now, hear me out,” she replied, shoving the last thing on the plate into my mouth. It was an impressively sized sausage and trying to chew my way through it might end up with me choking to death. Trying to spit it out seemed dangerous, so I held Hera’s heavy and tasty sausage in my mouth as she stared at me with a big grin. “Discord couldn’t mutate you here. He couldn’t make you his, not fully. Out there, you have some manner of freedom… for now. And the chances of getting a soul are pretty low, I’d say. But if you stay here, with me…” Hera leaned in closer, her golden eyes catching the light in a way that made me catch my breath. It was good, too, as her intoxicating breath probably would have made me fall under her spell. “We could experience all kinds of things together, I think… Doesn’t that sound fun?”

She finally pulled in closer, using her luscious lips to take in the other end of the sausage. It easily slid down her throat until her lips were pressed against mine. All I could do was close my eyes and hope it would end. Sure enough, I felt her lips disappear from mine, but only for a moment. This time, the lips felt softer and I felt a tongue brushing across my own lips. It didn’t last long at all, though, and the sausage hanging out of my mouth was suddenly bitten off.

That was enough to make me open my eyes, where I saw Athena chewing vigorously. Hera was glaring at her from behind and Cadance was face-hooving. I couldn’t see Skyla anywhere, so hopefully she didn’t see me in my moment of shame.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Hera growled as she glared down at Athena.

“Eating, obviously,” Athena replied when she swallowed. She looked down at me. Or maybe more specifically, my lips. They were already chewing the remaining sausage so I could actually talk. “Hm, and it was delicious, too.” With that, Athena licked her own lips with a smug smile.

I… did not know how to feel about that, so I chose to change the subject. “So, now that breakfast is done, could you unshackle me?”

“No, I still had—”

“Of course,” Athena replied, cutting Hera off. She waved a hand and the shackles around me detached. I immediately stood and made my way to stand next to Cadance, making sure to put her between me and Hera. “I seem to remember asking you to save some for me, Hera. And yet you intended to keep it all to yourself, didn’t you?”

“I saved plenty for you! And besides, you even stole the best part!”

“We both stole the best part,” Athena proudly replied with a haughty grin. “As is our right as goddesses, of course! For now, let’s leave it at that.”

“Hmph! Then get out of my room!” Hera shouted, pointing at a random wall. Athena's smile dipped into a smirk and she snapped, teleporting me, her, and Cadance back to the anteroom.

“Nav, do you really have to do this everywhere you go?” Cadance asked.

“That’s victim-blaming,” I replied. “Now, my heart is racing. Let me cuddle your filly so I can calm down.”

“I already sent her back,” Cadance replied. “I didn’t want her to see anything x-rated when we saved you. You can cuddle with me instead, though.”

“No, little kids are best for calming down,” I replied, grabbing Athena under the arms and pulling her up in a hug. “Can you make another chair for us? It won’t take long.”

“...As you wish,” Athena replied from my arms. A comfy armchair appeared behind me, so I sat in and placed Athena down on my lap so I could pat her head in peace. “This… is definitely a first for me, I think.”

“Your parents never did this with you?” I asked.

“My home situation was… complicated.”

“Well, in my book, good girls get head pats. And you saved me from Hera, so that means head pats galore.”

“You know I’m not really a little girl, right?” she quietly asked.

“Yep, Hera mentioned that she can’t change ages.”

“That doesn’t change that shy smile of yours, Athena,” Cadance said. “So I should ask again. Nav, do you really have to do this everywhere you go?”

“Don’t be jealous, I pet you last night. Instead of complaining about it, why don’t you fill me in on your filly’s cool powers?”

“Weren’t you the one who told me to keep them secret?”

“I mean, yeah. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I guess. I just figured it would be something her godmother needed to know. It just… it wasn’t anything dangerous, was it? Pinkie mentioned that her powers contributed to her madness. I’d hate for the same thing to happen to Skyla.”

“Not all seers fall to madness,” Athena replied. “As long as Skyla doesn’t look too far for meaning in what she sees, her mind should be safe. The upside of a skill like hers is that she can stop the effect by merely closing her eyes. Cadance mentioned that Pinkie had dreams and physical responses. Prophetic dreams always lead to madness. The madness leads to the physical responses Pinkie apparently feels, things like her twitchy tail. It can also lead to direct prophecies, though those usually only come out in times of great stress or great flux.”

“What do you mean by flux?” Cadance asked.

“Pivotal times when much changes,” Athena replied. “Major battles, marriages between powerful people, political clashes… or even choosing to run away.” I felt her squirm a little on that last line, which reminded me of when Pinkie told me about the three-eyed genie. At the time, we were loading the ship up to flee Equestria before news of what happened with Luna broke out. That was probably the only time Pinkie ever gave me an actual prophecy. “It is when the dice of fate are cast and those involved in shaping the world make their plays. Those closest to the event in question are pulled along the most strongly, meaning any seer nearby will possibly tell prophecies. Sometimes they involve ramifications from the major event. Sometimes they’re completely separate. If Skyla is involved in a big event, it’s possible she could tell a prophecy as well. Those rarely lead to madness.”

“...The pageant is going to be pretty big,” Cadance replied, moving her eyes from Athena to me. “Can you help us keep an eye on Skyla, Nav?”

“Of course. And thank you for letting me use your body, Athena.” I finally lifted her off my lap and gently set her down before tousling her hair one last time. “I feel much better now. We’ll leave you to it.”

“I am happy to be of service… I think,” Athena replied. “I’ll be sure to come up with more ways to get back at you for this, too. Forcing Hera on you once just wasn’t enough.”

“...Please be gentle,” I whispered.

“Goddesses have to be firm, I’m afraid,” she replied with a smirk. “Farewell for now, Navi!” She waved at the two of us before we were suddenly standing in front of the book portal. Cadance wasted no time opening it, dropping us back off in my sun room.

“Nav, are you trying to get yourself skinned alive?” Cadance very sweetly asked as soon as we were back in the sun.

“I was shackled to the chair. I’m not really sure what you want from me.”

“And both of them?! Are you suicidal?”

“Again, shackled to the chair. And I had my eyes closed, so neither of them count. This is why I was shocked you thought I had Hera on a leash. Athena was clearly just trying to punish me. If anything, this is your fault for not backing me up. We’re supposed to work together in that place.”

“Ugh! Twilight, talk some sense into your woman-friend!”

“I am actually incredibly curious about what happened now,” Twilight replied with a warm smile. Her eyes were anything but, though, and seemed to pierce right through me. “What, exactly, didn’t count because your eyes were closed?”

“The two kisses, probably,” Cadance replied.

“And to whose chair were you shackled?”

“Hera’s,” I said.

“And why were you shackled to Hera’s chair?” Twilight asked with a sigh.

What is this, twenty questions? Give me a break. “Because she shackled me to it with magic before feeding me even more breakfast and then hinting about how she wants to keep me locked up to do things to or with me.”

“How was it?” Spike asked.

“Delicious from start to finish,” I replied. “Ten out of ten, would eat again, but only if I could go without the shackles.”

“So why was Athena punishing you?” Twilight asked.

“Because I helped Hera obtain some materials that she put to use on Athena. We were under the impression Hera would be using it to beautify Athena, but…”

“But because it’s Hera, there was a catch, right?” Twilight asked, rolling her eyes.

“Athena is now the most beautiful twelve year old girl I’ve ever seen. For reference, that’s usually the age around when humans go into puberty.”

“Isn’t that Hera’s fault for tricking you both?” Shining Armor asked.

“No, we knew better than to trust her,” I replied. “We were just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, hoping that maybe she was less of a selfish cunt. But alas, now Athena is smol. And since she’s placing half the blame on me, Athena apparently thinks I deserve punishment. Thus, the reason she trapped me alone with Hera.”

“Maybe we should throw that book into the ocean,” Twilight muttered, glaring at it.

“Denied,” I replied, sliding the book over in front of me. “Athena mentioned defense mechanisms on this book. I don’t want to find out what would happen if we submerged it in water.”

“Maybe we should study the defenses on it, then,” Cadance said.

“No, I already took a brief look,” Twilight said. “The first thing I found was a very deadly trap that would have activated if I tried looking any further, something so complex that I knew I had no way of getting around it.”

“Kat probably could, though,” I replied. “The curse she got not only made her even more insane, it also made her much better at getting through magical locks and traps. She claims to be able to break anything with enough time. I don’t know if a book would be the same, though. I also don’t think I want to risk it. The easiest solution is our current one: Abstain from going in unless necessary. Thankfully, it probably won’t be necessary for a while.”

“Nav… You can’t tell me you weren’t provoking at least some of that,” Cadance said. “And don’t you dare say it’s victim-blaming, because you’re not the victim if you provoke it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Obviously I interact differently with humans than I do with ponies. I’m sorry that you aren’t used to seeing it yet. As it so happens, I think both of them are utterly terrifying. But that doesn’t mean I have to be unfriendly, you know?”

“I have a question,” Spike said. “Cadance said you kissed them. Does that mean you kissed a little girl?”

“Yes,” Cadance immediately replied.

“Don’t put that on me,” I said. “I was in the process of recoiling in fear when Hera kissed me. Before I could do anything, Athena pulled her away and stole my lips herself. I think you’re also forgetting the part where I was shackled to a chair. And it was less of a kiss than it was… sharing food, I guess?”

“Yes, that part was somewhat strange,” Cadance said. “What kind of meat was that, Nav? It was in quite the… interesting shape.”

“It’s called a sausage,” I replied. “The inside is ground up meat of various kinds, wrapped in a skin of some kind.”

“Oh yeah, those are amazing,” Spike said. “And I guess sharing a sausage between two chicks would be kinda hot, so… I dig it, but only with Hera.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t let you pet Skyla after all…” Cadance muttered.

“I swear I’ll throw myself over the cliff in a heartbeat,” I replied. “Don’t test me, I’ll do it.”

“Nav, that threat gets old,” Twilight said, patting me on the side. “You know we’ll never let you do it, right?”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t dream,” I replied with a depressed sigh. “So where is Skyla, anyway? And Taya and Mimeo, for that matter.” Just about everyone else had departed for the bunker, so the sun room was fairly sparse at the moment.

“Taya is getting ready for classes,” Twilight replied. “She’s allowed to bring guests as long as they can cast spells, so Mimeo will be going with her for the day. And Skyla is helping Taya pick outfits.”

“Huh. So, Cadance, what are your plans for the day?”

“We’re going to see Shiny’s parents in a bit,” she replied. “We’ll play it by ear after that. What about you?”

“I have no plans in particular, but I have a feeling Fleur will be by soon to grab me. She mentioned something about doing an interview before the pageant, and we’re pretty much running out of time for that.”

“Should you really be relying on Fleur to set all that up for you?” Twilight asked.

“It’s best that a professional be in charge of my image. There’s no way I could manage it myself. Mind, I’m probably above just randomly threatening journalists now, but I’m still me.”

“Wasn’t the coma supposed to help with this?” Cadance asked.

“I can’t do everything myself. I’ve learned that it’s best to do the things that I can do rather than trying to make myself do things I hate or can’t. That said, it would probably be better if I could either get a vassal or a servant who handled it for me instead of relying on Fleur, but I don’t even know where to begin to look for someone like that. It’s hard to find ponies willing to work for nonponies.”

“You could ask Celestia,” Twilight said.

“And end up even more indebted?” I asked. “I shouldn’t depend on the princess for everything. She’s already helping me with the town and college. She also practically took over exploration of the bunker.”

“Did you really want to manage that yourself, though?” Shiny asked. “That place is pretty sizable and very haunted.”

“I at least wanted a few more fun boss battles, even more so if they’re undead. Taking the place was fun, but far too easy.”

“And did you really expect her to let one noble gain all that power?” Cadance asked. “With everything there at your fingertips, you could easily form your own nation. With all of those relics in Celestia’s hooves, they can do good for the entire world, not just you. You know, theoretically. Assuming she’s actually redeemed.”

“I mean, I was the one who captured the place. Haven’t you ever heard of finders, keepers?”

“I’m afraid it stops working like that when you become part of the social hierarchy,” Shiny replied. “As a vassal of Celestia’s, everything you consider yours technically belongs to her. That means, when you captured the bunker, you made it Equestrian property. You have absolutely no rights to anything within it, unless Celestia decides that you do.”

“That’s bullshit. I wanna hand in my title and go freelance again.”

“As if Celestia would ever let you go,” Twilight said. “Before you brainwashed her, maybe if you swore some kind of non aggression pact. But there’s no way Newlestia will ever let you out of her grasp.”

“...So that’s something else to look forward to, I guess. Man, what is it about ancient women that makes them so possessive? I mean, aside from the magical pull that subtly sways all fae around me. And, you know, the older and more powerful they are, the more they’re swayed.”

“Hm, I may have an answer,” Shiny replied. “It might just be that you lead them all on?”

“I guess it’ll forever be a mystery,” I said with a shrug. “By the way, why were you looking for a local mistress?” His eyes went wide.

“Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me,” Cadance said with a wonderfully devious smile. “All the excitement in the book knocked it right out of my mind. If you’ll excuse us, we’ll have a short talk before we go visit his parents.”

“By all means, take your time,” I replied. Cadance dragged her unwilling husband away while he shot anguished looks my way. I did my best to ignore them, of course. “Are you going with them to visit your parents, Twilight?”

“I was planning on it. After all… I need to spend more time with them, too. I would say you’re welcome to join us, but you’d probably find it super awkward.”

“Yeah, I probably would. And you, Spike?”

“I was probably going to help Celestia again, unless you needed me for something. Oh, do you want me to act as your escort today? Watching you give an interview would be kinda fun!”

Why do I have a feeling my dignity would go down even more if he was there for that? “I was hoping Kat would be recovered by then,” I replied. “It would probably be better if she went, given that she’s also going to be competing.” Although she probably won’t be awake by then, since she just went to bed.

“She’s hardly a hidden guard if she’s your only escort,” Twilight replied. “Having a big, strong dragon like Spike around would be better, wouldn’t it?”

“...If Celestia needs your help, by all means, help her,” I said. “But if you want to play hooky at work, I don’t mind you chilling with me instead. Just save any comments about the interview for after we leave.”

“Of course, of course,” he said with a smirk. “I would never want to do anything to make Countess Navarone look bad. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of ways to do that without my help, after all.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “Of course, that hinges on Fleur actually showing up.”

“I should help Doppel pick you an outfit, then,” Twilight said. “I can’t have my girlfriend going for an interview looking anything but her best.”

“Is that really necessary, though?” I asked.

“Yes,” Spike said.

“Absolutely,” Twilight added.

“Most definitely,” Doppel piled on top as she walked into the sun room. “And my lady, we have been sent a message by Fleur. She’ll be coming to pick you up in an hour and a half. Apparently she has quite the itinerary for you.”

“I’ll be gone by then, but I can still help pick the outfit,” Twilight said. “Let’s head upstairs, Doppel.”

“Of course,” my maid replied with a nod. “We’ll be back in a few minutes, my lady.”

“...Right,” I said as Twilight teleported herself and Doppel away.

“Well, I’m definitely looking forward to it,” Spike said with a big smile. “I bet you’re gonna be so cute, Navi!”

“As things currently stand, it would be impossible for me not to be cute in anything I wear. I am, after all, utterly beautiful.”

“...It sounds a lot less funny when you say it,” Spike muttered.

“You’re just jealous,” I smugly replied as I flipped some of my hair at him. “Do you pine for the days when Rarity used to dress you up, Spikey-wikey? You know, it’s possible that without me, you would be dating the perfect stallion right now!”

“...Well, my time with Fizzle was kinda fun. I don’t know about dating a stallion, but playing with one every now and then might not be so bad.”

“Talk to Braeburn next time you see him,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, he was your boytoy too, wasn’t he?”

“That’s right. Last I heard, he still wasn’t in a relationship. Although I don’t think that’s really what Rarity had in mind for you.”

“What she had in mind doesn’t matter anymore, thankfully,” he replied. “These days, all that matters is what I have in mind. It just so happens that what I have in mind happens to be listening to you, at least for now.”

“Good. In that case, can you do something for me when we get back today?”

“You want my bumpy dragon dick again?”

“Not at the moment, no. I’m in the process of making another recovery seed. I want you to head to my house in the Everfree and plant it in the backyard when it’s ready. With your speed, it should take you forty-five minutes, tops. I’ll let you rub my feet as a reward when you get back.”

“...I’ll admit that I like massaging you, but using it as a reward feels kinda stingy.”

“Is the right to lick my toes better?”

“Now you’re just being creepy. I know some stallions who would jump for an opportunity like that, but I’d prefer being able to play with your chest.”

“Maybe something material would be better. What’s the going rate for courier work these days? Is it mileage or time taken? I’m sure ten bits would cover it, right?”

“So you’re equating feeling up your chest to ten bits?” Spike asked with quite the interesting smile.

“Different people value things differently,” I replied with a shrug. “I’m not sure what feeling up my chest would be worth, but I do think ten bits is enough for delivering and planting a seed, given that it’s probably less than an hour of work.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll take it,” he said. “Gold is always nice, I guess. But if you did have to put a price on it?”

“I wouldn’t,” I immediately replied. “I may be lewd and easy to bed, but I don’t intend to sell my body for money. That said, as an absolute baseline, someone paid fifteen hundred bits for me when I was turned into a pony in Gryphus. That was with no guarantee of sex, though. I basically just had to act as his girlfriend for the day. So if I was going to set a theoretical price, it would start there.”

“Did you end up having sex with him?”

“Ladies don’t like men who ask boorish questions, Spike,” I replied.

“Right, uh huh. Well, I guess I don’t want to be disliked, so I’ll drop it. I gotta say, when I first saw you after Twilight summoned you, I never really expected we’d end up in a place like this.”

“Tell me about it. I guess it could be worse, but I certainly wish it was better. I’m also sad to say it, but it probably would have taken you ten to fifteen years to get as big as you are now, too.”

“Meat, combat, and loot do a number for us dragons,” he replied with a grin. “Being small and cute has its uses, but big and tough are better.”

“What do you mean, cute?” I asked. “You were like a pudgy overgrown lizard that occasionally breathed out toxic fumes. Gross was closer to the truth, I’d say.”

“All the better that I’m big and strong now, then,” he said with a shrug. “It means kidnapping noble ladies and keeping them hostage is much easier.”

“I think you’re supposed to go after princesses, actually. I think you could kidnap Skyla pretty easily.”

“...I saw what she did to your yard, Nav. It woke me up and I was at the window before the dust settled.”

“Yeah, but she probably wouldn’t realize she was being kidnapped if you did it right.”

“I still think kidnapping you would be much safer.”

“Even if it ends with Luna and Kat as your enemies?” I asked with a smirk.

“I’ll just offer them joint ownership,” he replied, shrugging.

“Even if it ends with Celestia, Twilight, Moonbeam, and all the elementals as your enemies?”

“That… would probably make me hesitate a little more. Besides, I’m easily holding back my urges to kidnap you. It’ll be hard for my self-control to break. You’d need to be in heat and your skirt would have to be very short.”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind,” I said.

We were thankfully interrupted by the arrival of my children and Skyla. Taya was actually dressed like she was attempting to be cute, which meant Skyla did a good job picking her outfit. And instead of Mimeo, it looked like Eva was back in charge. She was wearing an outfit that matched Taya’s, aside from the colors. Skyla herself was nude, minus the small tiara.

“Did you kick your brother out already?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow at Eva.

“He didn’t really want to go back to school, so he let someone else take over,” Eva replied with a smile. “Everyone decided to let me enjoy the day for some reason!”

“That was generous of them,” I replied. “The two of you certainly look adorable. Are you trying to impress someone?”

“We’re nobles,” Taya said. “Isn’t it our duty to impress commoners? Especially since our mother is a higher ranking noble.”

“She’s right, you know,” Spike said. “Most nobles, especially those with real ranks like yours, usually wear fancy clothes with expensive accessories everywhere they go. Unicorns who excel in magic like Taya usually have enchanted accessories, too.”

“Eva, Taya, if you want anything special like that, say the word and I’ll make it happen,” I said. “Luna made me a ridiculously overpowered necklace recently, so she can probably make about anything you’d like.”

“Isn’t the point of a gift to pick something out yourself?” Skyla asked, her head tilting.

“Not always,” I said. “I don’t know what magic effects my daughters might find more useful than others. Leaving it up to them to pick means getting a better, more useful gift. When dealing with very expensive things, I think that’s usually the better way to go.”

“Was it really all that expensive, though?” Spike asked. “I mean, if Luna’s the one making it, she probably provided everything by herself, and had the entire thing finished in a few hours.”

“That’s something Luna can do cheaply because she’s Luna, but that doesn’t mean I want her churning out large numbers of high-quality artifacts until she lucks out and makes one that my daughters need or like. Then we’ll be left with a lot of stuff we can’t exactly just leave lying around and that we definitely can’t just sell.”

“Wait, why can’t you just sell them?” Spike asked. “Isn’t it common for nobles to get their vassals to make money?”

“If anybody ever found out who actually made them, there would be an uproar,” I replied. “And remember who we’re talking about, here. This is the same mare who put a self-destruct button so close to her bathtub that stepping on it accidentally while getting out would be expected. There’s no telling what kind of zany effects her enchanted items might have.”

“...There’s a self-destruct button in the castle?” Spike asked. “Should we, like, tell Celestia about that?”

“This was on the moon, not in the castle. Although, again, knowing Luna…”

“Yeah, I’ll warn Celestia the next time I see her,” Spike said, nodding. “If it’s a button Luna built, it would probably just detach the whole city from the side of the mountain.”

“Don’t even say something like that,” I replied.

“Could she make me something?” Skyla asked.

“If your parents agree, sure,” I said. Fat chance of that, though. Not if Luna’s the one making it. “What about you two?”

“I guess I could fit a lot in my leg holes, but I don’t really wear much jewelry,” Eva said. “And uh… I don’t know if I’d want something from the mare who built a button to blow up the moon.”

“I’d rather learn the spell than use an accessory for it,” Taya replied. “Although… If there’s anything that can boost magic power, that would be useful.”

“That would be a question for Luna. That said, you remember some of the effects of the items in the shop where we got Athena’s book, right? Are there spells for things like completely resisting poison and disease?”

“For poison, yes,” Taya said. “Disease… Well, I know a few spells that prevent certain diseases, but I stopped learning those spells when we learned you were immune.”

“Wait, but what if you got sick?” Skyla asked.

“I learned the ones that would protect me from lethal diseases. That way, if I ever got sick, mommy could nurse me better! Unfortunately, I only got a cold once… But I got to look after mommy a lot, which was nice.”

“But you said she was immune to disease, didn’t you?” Skyla asked.

“Being an explorer comes with its own share of dangers,” I said by way of reply. “But we got off on a pretty long tangent. Are you two heading to class soon?”

“We came for our goodbye cuddles!” Eva said, darting forward to hug me. Taya gasped and hurried to take her own place against my side. I did my duty as mother, pulling them both in for a warm and tender hug. Eva giggled in glee at the taste of it all.

“Make sure you both behave,” I said. “Taya, keep Eva safe. Eva, help Taya make friends.”

“Wait, shouldn’t Taya be helping me make friends?” Eva asked.

“I know what I said,” I replied, patting them both on the head. “Taya, I’ll talk more with Fleur today about the young lady courses. I’m not sure exactly when you’ll be enrolled, but it’ll hopefully be soon.”

“...Understood,” my filly replied, trying to keep all the sulk out of her voice.

“Then make sure you aren’t late,” I said. “And if you’re going to walk, bring a guard with you. If no one’s available, would you mind, Spike?”

“I don’t mind walking with them,” he said. “There’s no reason I wouldn’t… Wait, never mind. I just remembered that this is the tower we’re talking about. There’s no way I can take them.”

It took me a few seconds, but I eventually nodded. “Right, good point. Then just find a pony guard.”

“Why can’t Spike go?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“The unicorns in the tower like experimenting on rare creatures,” I replied. “I’ve had several ask to do all kinds of things to me. There was also one who thought I was an escaped test subject. If Spike went, it’s entirely possible he’d be subjected to unreasonable requests by people who have a hard time with rejection.”

“Wait, does that mean they’d experiment on me?” Skyla asked, looking back at her wings.

“No, they wouldn’t dare touch an alicorn,” Spike said. “You’re the highest tier of pony, so there would actually be consequences if they went after you. Whereas Nav and I aren’t ponies at all, so in their mind, there’s nothing holding them back from vivisecting us.”

“What’s… vivisecting?” Skyla asked, finally looking back up at us.

“Something bad,” I said. “You’ll learn more about it when you’re older. For now, don’t worry about it. Like Spike said, the tower goons wouldn’t dare touch an alicorn. They also know better than to go after me now. And even if they did touch Spike, they’d be bringing Celestia’s wrath down on themselves. Not to mention my wrath.”

“...Equestria doesn’t seem very safe, does it?” Skyla quietly asked, looking down.

“No, it’s definitely not the safest place out there,” I said, walking over to pick her up so I could cuddle that cute filly. “One of my big goals will be to make this place safer.” It didn’t take me long to be seated again and place Skyla across my lap. “While you’re around me, I can guarantee you’ll be safe. So don’t worry about a thing, Skyla.”

“Yep, mommy’s super dependable!” Eva said.

“She might not be the best protection herself, but that’s what we’re for,” Spike said. “There’s not much that can get past the defenses in this house.”

“You know, letting mommy pet me always makes me feel safe and comfy,” Taya said. “So if you’re ever worried, just let her spoil you!”

“I don’t want to take advantage of her kindness,” Skyla replied.

“I’m just trying to be a hospitable host,” I said. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’d be happy to pet you, in fact!”

“Well… if I ever feel unsafe, I might take you up on that.” You damn tease! “I do like being carried, but… why do you pick me up so much?”

“You’re soft, fuzzy, light, warm, and you smell good.”

“Like a pet cat?” Spike asked.

“She’s bigger and heavier than a cat, plus her legs end in hard hooves instead of cute toe-beans. That said, she’s just as soft, but not as fuzzy. Definitely smells better and just about as warm. She’s more of a side-grade to a pet cat, really.”

“Uh… should I try meowing?” Skyla asked.

“Only if you want,” I replied. “So, when are you two heading out?”

“As soon as we can find a guard, I guess,” Taya said with a shrug. “I’ll see you later in the afternoon, mommy.”

“Yep. Have fun, you two.” Taya led a waving Eva out to the main room, leaving me with Spike and Skyla. “Skyla, you’re going to be meeting your father’s parents soon. Do you want to dress up, too?”

“Could you make me look super cute, Lady Navi?”

“You don’t need my help for that. But no, I also couldn’t really help with that. However, I do have maids who would love to give it a try. I’m sure Doppel would enjoy spending time with you, too.”

“Hm… You called that lady in the book beautiful, but I’m just cute?”

“You don’t have the elegance it takes to be beautiful yet,” I said, patting her back. “You’ll learn that in time, don’t worry.”

“Elegance?”

“Yep. It’s what separates cute little girls from beautiful adult ladies. You’ll probably learn all about that in your fancy princess training later. For now, you should just focus on bringing out your cuteness. With that in mind, let’s go find my maids.” I picked the filly back up and started walking around, looking for someone to dress her up for me.

Once she was all dolled up, her parents collected her and Twilight before setting off on a journey. That left me plenty of time to get clean and dressed before Fleur arrived.

By the time Fleur showed up, I had been stuffed into the outfit Twilight picked for me. As expected, it showed off a lot of skin. Showing my body off wasn’t all that bad, so I didn’t complain. Thankfully, neither did Fleur. Kat still wasn’t awake, so Spike was my only guard. He followed us onto the carriage Fleur arranged and it started carrying us away as soon as we were all seated.

“So, where are we going, anyway?” I asked once the carriage began moving. I mean, I’m already pretty sure I know, but the message didn’t actually specify.

“Isn’t that something you should ask before you get on?” Spike asked.

“It’s merely proof of Countess Navarone’s trust in me,” Fleur replied. “But to answer your question, we are going to pay a visit to a reporter, a mare named Clementine. She’s a very close friend of mine. I’m sure she’ll be able to help improve your image.”

“I’ll do my best to make use of the opportunity, but there’s no guarantee I won’t ruin it.”

“...Then you should make the guarantee, Nav,” Fleur said. “You promised me you would behave in front of the king during that opportunity.”

“We got the outcome we were after, and I think acting the way you wanted would have only put him more on guard.” And I don’t remember promising, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t. “I certainly plan to act properly, but I also plan to be honest. You know how that usually goes.”

“I do, which is exactly why I’ll be sitting in on the interview with you,” she replied. “I’m sure with my input, what goes into the paper will all be perfect, no matter what manner of behavior you choose to showcase.”

“Then why are you making such a big deal over it?”

“Because I shouldn’t have to, but I know I do. Somehow I know warning you will mean nothing, but giving up and staying quiet isn’t an option. Even if I know you’ll just ignore my expert advice…”

“I’ve met a whole lot of royalty, you know,” I said. “And I’m friends with a lot of them now, too. Are you sure my behavior is a problem?”

“I mean, she has a point,” Spike muttered with a small smile.

“Your behavior would be very concerning to the average pony,” Fleur said. “Most members of royalty know to expect eccentricity from the more powerful members of society, but average ponies rarely have a chance to deal with someone… of your caliber, so to say. With that in mind, I was really hoping you would be working on regulating yourself better… Like you said you would.”

“Is it a problem if Flo or Darya does it for me?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“Oh.”

“Ugh, I knew I should have had Doppel put a vibe in you for this…”

“Hot,” Spike whispered with a smarmy grin.

“Spike, if you’re going to be my guard, don’t be lewd,” I said. “It’s fine at home, but at least my retinue should act professional, even if I’m incapable of it.”

“Got it, sorry,” he replied. He cast his gaze out the window, either dropping from the conversation or to keep an eye out for danger.

“And I don’t think getting caught with something like that would be good,” I said. “There’s no telling what might end up in the news because of it.”

“We never have to worry about Clementine betraying us,” Fleur said. “I guarantee she’ll follow you to the end, Nav.”

“It’s odd that she has so much confidence in me, even though I’ve never met her. You seem to have a lot of trust in her, Fleur. Is she someone you’ve known for a while?”

“We met here and there for the longest of times, but recently I found the chance to develop our relationship more deeply. She’s quite amenable, I assure you.”

“Good to know. So, you said this was going to be an interview. What exactly are we going to be talking about?”

“You, of course!” she replied with quite the cheeky grin. “The highlight will probably be the pageant, but she’ll also want to know about your exploits. This will, after all, be the first time you’ve spoken to the media in any real capacity. There’s a lot she’ll want to discuss, but I’ll do my best to help keep her on track. There’s definitely no need for you to go into detail. Especially not too much detail. In fact, I must insist that you not go too far.”

“You really have no faith in me, do you?”

“Nav… you let me down every time. It’s hard to keep faith in a situation like that. I was really hoping you would be more ladylike by the time the pageant started…”

“I have considerably less experience as a lady than all the other competitors. It’s obvious I’m not going to be up to measure. If you let Flo and Darya do their thing, it’ll be fine, right?”

“No!”

“Oh.”

“Ugh, we talked about this, Nav! It’s not showcasing the best human woman if you’re making a machine do all your work!”

“Even if humans are the ones who invented the machine?” I asked.

“Do you intend to foist responsibility for everything over to those machines?” she asked.

“No, but I kinda wish I could. Whatever. As long as I don’t embarrass myself too much, I’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I want to hear from you right now, Nav,” Fleur said with a sigh. “Why can’t you just guarantee that you’ll behave and do things properly?”

“Because I get bored way too easily for that. Throwing wrenches in things to watch the fireworks is fun sometimes. I don’t plan to ruin this event and I don’t plan to humiliate myself, but…”

“Maybe you are cursed by Discord,” Spike said. “Or maybe he only takes over at certain times?”

“That would make sense to me,” I replied. “It’s not like I’d have any way to resist him and it seems like something he’d do. Or maybe he chose to use me for something like this because of that quirk in my personality. But it would be rude to blame him without evidence, so I’ll have to take the heat for it for now. Besides, it’s not like there have been any overly negative repercussions.”

“You mean aside from Prince Blueblood falling to madness and then getting killed for almost murdering you?” Fleur asked.

“I feel like I have no blame in that incident.”

“Nav, I was there the day you shot him point blank with a crossbow with no warning. Luna may have covered for you, but I saw what you did.”

“That sounds like a story I haven’t heard yet,” Spike said, his eyes gleaming with excitement. “You tried to murder a prince in Canterlot, Nav?”

“It was a duel that he requested. Since I didn’t have magic, I got to use a weapon. I chose surprise. And also a crossbow."

“The setting?” he asked.

“A garden party full to bursting with nobles,” Fleur replied. She sounded disapproving, but was smiling anyway. “I never expected I’d see Sir Navarone himself at one of those. I also never expected to see a prince almost shot down before my very eyes. I must say, that was the first time I’ve ever seen blood shed in front of me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t mean to sound thankful. And in front of Princess Luna, at that! I never would have expected it would only turn her on more.”

“Why did you even have a crossbow at a party, anyway?” Spike asked.

“I was a knight at the time and had just gotten to Canterlot from the Everfree. I happened to bump into Rarity while I was here, who asked me to escort her to some various events to help get her name out there. She asked me to do so as a knight, so I went in my armor and carried my weapons. While we were at the party, Blueblood walked over and challenged me to a duel. As the person who was challenged, I got to pick the time and place. I chose then and there and shot him. I am in no way at fault, right? I just answered his challenge.”

“You’re at least twenty-five percent at fault,” Spike said.

“I concur with his assessment,” Fleur added. “Given the way you spoke to the prince when he arrived, I’d bump it up to at least thirty-three percent.”

“Well, blame rounds to the nearest whole number, so that still means zero,” I replied with a shrug. “Thus, it wasn’t actually a repercussion at all. Or at least, not from something that I did.”

“Your verbal gymnastics sure are fun to listen to,” Spike said, reaching over to try booping me. I smacked his hand away, of course.

“More like exasperating,” Fleur said. “But I knew what I was getting into, so I won’t let it get me down.”

“If you knew what you were getting into, why do you keep trying to get me to change?”

“Because you are changing, whether you like it or not,” she replied. “I’m just trying to make sure the changes are in a positive direction. There’s nothing bad at all about becoming more polite and able to hold conversations without saying horrifying things. I was also hoping you’d become more ladylike, but I… can understand why you’re reluctant. Especially if you might have a way back. But… what will you do if you don’t find a solution, Nav?”

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, but… I don’t think I’ll ever be a very girly person. And don’t you start with me, Spike.” He wisely chose to stay silent.

Fleur sighed in disappointment. “Oh, what a shame… I feel like your potential for femininity is so high, too. It’s a waste, truly.”

“I can live with that. So, how far away is this pet journalist of yours?”

“Not too far, sadly,” Fleur said. “I would love to have more time to spend with you… And it’s rude to call her a pet, isn’t it?”

“Will she ever disobey you?”

“Well… I think it’s extremely unlikely.”

“Then it’s extremely likely that she’s your pet, which means it’s not rude to say. Make sure you treat her well. You should never mistreat your pets.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

“Wait, what about all those times you mistreated Kat?” Spike asked.

“Kat isn’t a pet, she’s a vassal.”

“...You shouldn’t mistreat your vassals, either,” Fleur said.

“She deserved it, so it doesn’t count. Punishment is not mistreatment. After all, if your pet ever misbehaves, corrective measures have to be taken. Is that not so?”

“Ah, I see. Carrots and sticks are required, of course. Thankfully, I don’t foresee it to be necessary to ever punish Miss Clementine, but I am certainly capable of doing so.”

“Good. Now, while we still have some time, can you tell me more about the pageant? I want to know what I’m getting myself into.”

“Of course!” And so she proceeded to do just that, telling me about a few of the events that were going to take place in the contest. As expected, none of it really sounded fun.

“Are you… sure it’s not too late for me to just drop out?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m quite positive,” she immediately replied.

“And you’re not just saying that because you want me to suffer?”

“My dear countess… More than anything else, I want to see you glow on the stage like the star you are. I want everyone to know the excellence that you’ve shown me. And I want your influence to grow and expand. Being part of a competition like this is going to be an extremely valuable networking opportunity, Nav.”

“I’ll admit that’s true, but there are plenty of ways I can be a part of the competition without actually competing.”

“You’ve already lost this argument, Nav. Don’t be a sore loser.”

“Wait, Nav lost an argument?” Spike asked. “How?”

“They used cuteness against me.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” he replied, nodding. “Your standards are pretty high, though. Did they have an especially cute filly or something?”

“No, an adorable vampony,” Fleur said with a smile. “Blossom is my ultimate weapon against Nav. Sadly, she’s tricky to wield.”

“If I had known I was going to end up owning Celestia, I probably would have accepted Blossom’s oath of fealty,” I said. “Though I suppose things worked out best for her in the end, all things told. She seems happy now. I just wish I wasn’t in a position where she can freely use her powers against me.”

“Wait, did she use hypnosis to make you agree?” Fleur asked.

“No. But the last time I saw her, she hypnotized me into petting her.”

“I highly doubt that’s exactly how it happened,” Spike replied.

“You’re so quick to doubt your lady’s word, Spike. Your lack of faith in me hurts.”

“Well… That’s because you’re usually full of shit,” he said with a shrug. “Even Fleur was saying you let her down every time you open your mouth.”

“I may not have given away all the details for privacy reasons, but I can definitely guarantee that it did happen.”

“The lie detector is coming up clean,” Fleur said. “Grass is blue.” Her horn lit up, just like that.

“We tested a few of the things she was capable of feeling while under the influence of a blood gem. We confirmed that it works with petting, baths, lewd activities, and tastes. There are some caveats involved, but as long as precautions are taken, she’s pretty close to normal. Although… I highly doubt she’ll be able to have foals, even using the fruit from the Everfree. I might be wrong, but I assume it only works on the living.”

“Will those fruits keep growing if you purify the forest?” Spike asked.

“I’ve already confirmed that they can be grown outside of the Everfree, though it has to be in places with a high magical concentration. I believe Celestia has samples in a lab somewhere in Canterlot. My understanding is that the fruit has been tested and works on all or most animals, but not insects, plants, or fungi. This also includes cross-species breeding, even when it’s between an animal that would normally produce eggs and an animal that has live births, or between a cold-blooded animal and a warm-blooded animal. I haven’t heard any news about it since I lost my knighthood, so it’s possible they’ve moved to testing it on sapient creatures by now.”

“Hey, wasn’t that stuff… kinda dangerous?” Spike asked. “I mean, after what happened with Applejack…”

“You mean what almost happened with Applejack. I escaped with my hips intact, thankfully. Those thicc, juicy thighs of hers would have crushed my pelvis into dust, I’m sure. I made sure to thoroughly warn the princess when I delivered the samples to her. That means whatever happens as a result of the choices the researchers make is no responsibility of mine. It’s solely on them.”

“Your ability to completely wash your hands of such things is astounding, Nav,” Fleur said. “Selling dangerous drugs to deer, stating it’s their responsibility to use them safely. Providing dangerous fruits to researchers, stating it’s solely their responsibility what happens if they’re ever misused. I’d bet you would sell weapons to an assassin with a guilt-free smile on your face.”

“Hm? Why would I charge Kat for her weapons?”

“Ah, right, I forgot. Not only do you arm them, but you even employ them.”

“I’ve told everyone over and over that I’m a bad person who has no right to be on the center stage. I’m scum, through and through.”

“Wait, you consider it scummy to rehabilitate an assassin?” Spike asked. “I mean, you haven’t actually been having her murder ponies for you, right?”

“No, I leave the hits to Celestia,” I replied. “She can just send a goon squad. There’s no reason for me to risk Kat.”

“I’m going to preemptively ban you from referring to yourself as a bad person or as scum in front of Clementine,” Fleur said. “Actually, on second thought, I’m going to ban you from saying it ever again. I mean, it’s not even true. You do have some problematic tendencies, but I don’t think they’re enough to make me consider you bad.”

“Wait, we can just ban Nav from doing things?” Spike asked.

“You can’t make me feel as good as Fleur can,” I said. “Not just everyone has that right. But I’ll probably forget in a few hours, so it’ll functionally only apply while we’re with Clementine.”

“I’ll never get as good as she is if you don’t let me practice more, Nav.”

“Fleur got plenty of practice on her own and developed all kinds of skills without me. If you up your tongue game, you’ll probably have me seeing stars in no time.”

“I… don’t have any way of replying to that without sounding lewd. So I guess… I’ll just take your advice. Please ignore any unseemly griffin noises coming from my room for the next few days.”

“Ask someone to magically soundproof it. I don’t want to bother Skyla.”

“Wait, Skyla?” Fleur said. “Is Princess Cadance staying at your manor, Nav?”

“Yes. I’m not sure why they chose my place instead of the castle, but they elected to stay with me.”

“...You really need to tell me these kinds of things sooner,” she said with a small sigh. “There are a lot of ways to use the fact that royalty is staying at your home, Nav. It would be a good chance to increase your influence.”

“I honestly don’t know the kinds of things you need to know,” I replied. “I didn’t really think it was a big deal. I mean, it’s just Cadance.”

“Just Cadance, huh?” Spike said, snorting out a small bit of fire. “She would probably actually be happy to hear you say that.”

“Well, she shouldn’t be!” Fleur said. “Strangely enough, there are still times I forget your utter lack of interest or respect in royalty. But if you could bring her to a few events while she’s in town…”

“She’s staying here for the pageant,” I said. “And I actually did spend some time walking around Ponyville with Shiny and Skyla yesterday, if that counts for anything.”

“It doesn’t, sadly,” Fleur said. “But walking around Canterlot with Cadance or Skyla would be quite beneficial. Attending a party or two with them would also help, though throwing a party would be much better. Luckily for you, having them cheer you on in the pageant will probably be enough.”

“I don’t really like the idea of using friends like that,” I said. “Besides, how beneficial could it really be? Again, it’s just Cadance. She’s not even an Equestrian princess anymore.”

“She’s an alicorn,” Fleur said. “Nothing else really matters. Having Skyla with you would also be quite valuable, for the same reason.”

“Well, good thing having them cheer me on will probably be enough, I guess. I wouldn’t really mind showing them around Canterlot, but I don’t know the city well enough for that. It would probably end up with Cadance showing me around instead.”

“It would behoove you to learn your way around,” Fleur said. “Most of your time traveling will likely be in carriages or chariots, but it’s still good to know where everything is.”

“I know, but the best way to do that is to actually walk around. And every time I do that, I attract so many stares and whispers that it gets too uncomfortable. Besides, didn’t you say countesses weren’t supposed to walk anyway?”

“Nav, there’s this wonderful invention out there called a map,” Spike said. “If you’d like, I can show you one when we get back.”

“Looking at a map doesn’t really give you a grasp on the lay of the land or the vibe of a city,” I replied. “Without putting your feet on the ground, and pretty commonly, you’ll never really know a city. Although I guess as a noble, that’s not necessary for me. And with one look at a map, Flo or Darya could probably superimpose a copy of it on my retinas. At the very least, I know they can use it to give directions.” And there was actually a map of Canterlot at the Ponyville Library, which meant my elementals already had a copy of it.

“...I really don’t like the thought of you relying on them that much,” Fleur said.

“What, did you just want them to keep me company? I certainly wouldn’t mind, but it would be a huge waste of their talents. Artificial intelligence was invented to elevate humanity. I was hoping for transhumanism originally, but I ended up on the biological upgrade path instead. Let me at least have some super cool sci-fi bullshit in this otherwise boring fantasy setting.”

The carriage went silent for a few seconds, before Fleur looked over at Spike. “Did you understand any of that?”

“She wanted a robot body and she’s mad that she got a flower body, so she at least wants to compromise by having robots in her head,” he said. “I’ve known Nav the longest, so I can usually translate some of her esoteric nonsense.”

“Wait, you wanted to replace your body with robot parts?!” Fleur asked, shooting her head back my way.

“I mean, I liked the idea of it when I was a teenager, but looking back on it, I realize now that those robot parts would have been made by other humans. That would mean they’d be susceptible to hacking, and would probably make me utterly reliant on either a corporation or worse, a government. It’s pretty obvious the biological route is better, but that means either gene editing prior to birth, magically infusing yourself with something like I did, or taking the path of eugenics like Celestia and the deer. It’s obviously too dangerous to rely on mother nature to guide your path, so at some point, I think all races should work on biologically improving themselves. It just takes time and tech to get to that point.”

“...How is that obvious?” Spike asked.

“Oh look, we’re here!” Fleur said, sounding much happier than I was expecting from someone who was complaining about how the trip would be too short. The carriage was slowly coming to a stop. Sadly, I had already been warned that a countess shouldn’t be seen gawking out a window, so I couldn’t take a look at our destination.

“Time to go back to lady mode,” I said with a sigh. “Hopefully I can actually keep the mask on this time.”

“Nav, that isn’t something you should hope for,” Fleur replied. “It’s something you should make happen. Saying you hope it happens implies you have no real control over the situation. You really need to work on your mindset!”

“To be fair, would anyone believe their eyes if they read an interview from Nav where she sounded like a standard Canterlot noble?” Spike asked. “I think it’s fine if she’s rough around the edges, as long as she isn’t blatantly off the rails.”

“That… Ugh, that’s probably true,” Fleur groaned. The carriage finally came to a complete stop. “Nav… Please just behave yourself. I went through a lot of trouble to make friends with Clementine. I’d hate for my effort to go to waste.”

“You’re right, I know,” I replied, my shoulders sagging. “Spike, the door?”

“Of course, my lady,” he replied, pushing it open and slipping out. Fleur followed, perfectly displaying how a noble lady should exit: With grace and elegance.

There was no way I could mimic that, but I could at least try. Thankfully, Spike is the perfect gentledragon when it’s actually important, and held up his claw to help me down. That hopefully made my descent seem much more proper.

When I was finally on the ground, I looked up at the building before me. Now that I was looking at it up close, I realized I had actually seen it several times from the air. It was one of the taller buildings in Canterlot, though it wasn’t much wider than the standard building. All four sides were labeled with PNN.

“Is that… Pony News Network?” I slowly asked.

“Indeed,” Fleur replied. “They have a fairly sizable network of informants all over the place. I do question their coverage, though. It’s rather… one-sided at times. Give me a moment to tip the carriage pullers and we can head in.” She walked up to the front of the carriage, using magic to make bits appear from nowhere.

“So, what do you think?” Spike asked.

“The looks I’m getting through the windows aren’t a good sign, if I’m honest,” I replied. We hadn’t even been there a minute, but about a dozen ponies were already staring at me from inside the building. Some seemed terrified, a few were angry, and the rest were wearing grins so wide that it creeped me out a little.

“You’ve threatened a lot of reporters since you got here,” he said.

“Let that be a lesson for you, Spike,” I said. “Threatening people is generally a bad idea.”

“Lesson learned,” he said with a nod.

“Not that it should have required a lesson,” Fleur said as she walked back over to us. The carriage pullers started trotting off, carrying my only means of escape with them. I had no choice now but to fully commit. “Now then, shall we?”

“Let’s,” I replied, doing my best to put on a perfect smile.

Chapter Two Hundred and Fourteen

Chapter Two Hundred and Fourteen

Despite the stares we were getting from the windows, the main entrance seemed business as usual when we walked inside. The single security guard watched from his desk as we walked over to the main receptionist, but nobody else looked up at us. Only a single guard, huh? Flo, Darya, can you leave some droplets here and there to eavesdrop? Knowing what’s going on inside one of the main news agencies might be useful.

“That’s quite the devious idea, my lady,” Darya replied.

“We won’t be able to do it immediately, but we will extend our tendrils there soon,” Flo said. “If too much of our water leaves you, we won’t be able to protect you as well. We should have the entire building wired by the time you leave, though. Shall we look for other suitable targets?”

But of course. At the moment, I want power in as many forms as I can get it. Knowledge is one of the strongest powers of them all. If we’re informed of everything before it goes public, we can get ahead of the wave every time. There’s no need to invade someone’s mind when simple eavesdropping will do the trick.

“We’re spreading your request to our sisters,” Darya said. “They’re still in the process of traveling around, checking prices and raiding libraries.”

Let it be known that I’ll let whoever brings me juicy and useful info do as they like with my body. You know, minus making me a host. I’m sure the others have been longing to cuddle and it’s wise to reward their efforts.

“They’ll be overjoyed to hear it,” Flo replied. “But you know that will just make the two of us jealous enough to toy with you as well, right?”

I’m willing to make that sacrifice. Let me know when the building is wired. And make sure to include Clementine’s office.

“Your will be done,” Darya solemnly replied.

While I was talking to them, Fleur was confirming our appointment with the receptionist. The smiling mare barely spared me a glance before looking over her calendar. It didn’t take her long to find us, as expected. She gave us the office number and waved the security guard over. He gruffly asked us to follow, paying very little respect to the fact that we were nobles. Fleur’s face turned a little sour, but she didn’t say anything as we followed.

None of the ponies really stared at us as we entered, but I felt a ton of eyes on my back as we walked further into the building. It didn’t surprise me that the journalists had an eye on me, though. As Spike said, I threatened a lot of them in my time in Equestria, and never once seemed even slightly interested in doing an interview. Seeing me come to them of my own volition was probably shocking.

Several framed articles lined the hall the guard was leading us down. Each one had a very conspicuous headline on them. Of particular interest was the one with Celestia’s hair doing lewd things to Fleur. It was definitely an interesting story, but it was a strange thing to have hanging on the wall. I had a feeling I’d probably see a few other things I definitely didn’t want to, so I stopped paying attention to the articles.

The guard took us up two flights of stairs before finally dropping us off at a nondescript office. It was the same one I had seen in the coma, unsurprisingly. Fleur pushed the door open without a care in the world and let herself inside, smiling all the way. “Good to see you again, Clementine!” she said as she made her way over to the desk.

Clementine glared at her for a moment before catching a glimpse of me over Fleur’s shoulder. “So you really did it, huh? You managed to get her here? I don’t know if I should be impressed or disappointed.”

“That’s hardly the right way to talk to a lady,” Fleur replied. “Shouldn’t you show some respect, hm?”

“I’m still not exactly used to being a lady, so it’s not overly necessary,” I said, finally walking into the office as well. It was just as I remembered in the coma, though all the articles involving me and Fleur were no longer hanging from the walls. “It’s good to finally meet you, Clementine. Fleur has told me a lot about you. I’m Navarone.”

“Oh? What has she told you about me?”

“There’s no need to get into that,” Fleur said, waving a hoof. “We hardly have time for it, after all! We have ever so much to talk about, don’t we?”

“Fleur mentioned you wanted an interview,” I said. “I spent a lot of time trying to avoid doing something like that, but now that I’ve become a noble, I’m going to be in the public eye a lot more often. I thought it best to make new friends. It’s certainly hard to do that when nobody knows much about me. I was hoping you could help. After all, Fleur said you were one of her close friends.”

“That’s how she refers to it?” Clementine muttered.

“But of course!” Fleur said with a perfectly pleasant smile. “That’s how it is, after all. Aren’t we such close friends, Clemy?”

“...Yes, of course. So, an interview of the great Lady Navarone herself…” She hopped out of her chair and walked over to the wall with a shelf full of typewriters on it. She pressed a button and the shelf disappeared into the wall, then a couch eased down from the ceiling. “I’m not exactly happy about the how, but I’ll take this opportunity. Sit.” Once again, I thanked my magical new wings. I comfortably sat on the couch, leaning into the fluffy cushions. Fleur wasted no time lounging across my lap. “I’m sorry, I thought I was interviewing Navarone. Do I have to speak to her chaperone as well? And who’s this dragon supposed to be?”

“Nice to meet you,” my guard said. “I’m Spike. Her vassals all worry when she goes out alone, so I’m just here to keep an eye on her. Don’t mind me.”

“And is it that much of an issue if your good friend sits in on an interview?” Fleur sweetly asked. “Nav has nothing to hide from me, I assure you.”

“...Do you really think you need a guard against a journalist?” Clementine asked as she walked back over to her desk. Before I could answer, she activated a magical recording device and picked up a pen and some parchment. “Oh, and know that from here on, everything you say will be recorded. I am also using a spell called Deceit’s End, which detects any and all lies.”

“The sky is green,” I said. Sure enough, her horn lit up. “I’m familiar with it. To answer your question, I don’t think I need guards against you. As Spike said, my vassals worry if I go out alone. Putting up with a guard is easier than dealing with their complaints.” Of course, her horn was no longer shining.

“Is there a reason for them to worry?” Clem asked.

“A crime lord in China, the land of the dogs, has a hefty bounty on my head. I’ve already had a few bounty hunters come, trying to collect. I also had a few rogue nobles make an attempt on my life at a party a little while ago. Then there’s the whole ancient evil demon thing that’s trying to destroy all peace and warmth in the world, though I’m not sure how much good a guard would do against it. Still, I’d rather not face it alone. It’s pretty scary, after all.”

“...There’s a lot to unpack in what you just said,” Clementine slowly replied.

“Take your time,” I said, wearing what I hope was a kind smile. Her frown deepened.

“Then I’ll start with the bounty. Why would the dogs want to hurt you?”

“During one of the famous parties in Europe, I helped capture a fellow named the Dog Father. Apparently the person who put the bounty on me is related. I intend to deal with it in time, but I’m not worried about a few bounty hunters. It’s not like death is enough to stop me, anyway. Once I have some time, I’ll pay them a visit.

“I have a feeling this interview is going to take longer than I thought,” Clementine said, looking up at her horn. “Not a single lie? What does that even mean, death’s not enough…?” For some reason, that made Fleur giggle. Clem glared at her.

“I have plenty of time, so feel free to keep asking questions,” I replied, still trying to keep on a good smile.

“Although I should point out that a noble’s time is quite valuable, especially Lady Navarone’s,” Fleur added.

“Conceit is unbecoming,” I said, gently patting her head. “Clementine is doing us a service, Fleur, and using her own time to do it.”

“Right, so let’s use that time properly,” Clem said. “Why were rogue nobles trying to harm you? And more importantly, why was this not in the news?”

“I brought a fellow named Pertz to justice,” I said. “These nobles happened to be friends of his, and seemed to think that her highness’s justice was too heavy-handed. To that end, they intended to punish me, who they saw as a personification of her tyranny. As for why it didn’t end up in the news, I couldn’t say. I can tell you that their attempts were thwarted and that I never once came to harm. I can also tell you that they were all arrested by the day’s end. I’m not sure about their names, but one of them lived in a place called Rosepetal Hall.”

“Hm, I see. And the demon you mentioned?”

“The less said about it, the better. Long story short, humans accidentally created it ages ago, it eventually killed off all of humanity, then rampaged among the species that came after mankind until now. Until recently, it was sealed in stone. It broke free and is roaming the world again, waiting for a chance to wreak havoc among the mortal races.”

“You know, I’ve heard talk that you have a way of defending against magic,” Clementine said.

“That’s true, I do,” I replied. “However, it’s not something I can use on a whim. It’s also something that only works on one person at a time, and these two can confirm everything I’m saying.”

“She’s telling the truth, unfortunately,” Fleur said.

“Yep, we finally weaned Nav off lying… for the most part,” Spike added. “It’s just a shame the truths she has to tell are usually kinda scary.”

“...I didn’t really expect the interview to get derailed just a few sentences in,” Clementine said.

“Thus, the reason I elected to join you today,” Fleur said. “Perhaps we should stick to slightly sunnier topics? The upcoming pageant, for example…?”

“I finally have the Lady Navarone under the spotlight and you want me to waste time talking about something so trivial?” Clem asked. “If she wants to talk about demons, I’m totally willing to talk about demons!”

“Don’t even get me started on those guys,” I replied. “I met a few when they were summoned in the unicorn tower. Not the friendliest of people out there, trust me. Tartarus needs a good purging.”

“See, now that is a perfect headline!” Clem shouted, finally writing something down for the first time.

“You know, I’m starting to think you were right, Fleur,” I said, patting her head. “I should have made time to speak with Clementine much sooner. She seems to have the same kind of haphazard relationship with the truth that I do! I bet she’d just love to report the fact that Celestia only ever pretended to move the sun and moon as a means to control the populace, using the knowledge of the lost alicorn empire that the demon destroyed to rule over her ignorant populace and keeping them in check with superstition, fear, and xenophobia.”

“...My horn still isn’t lighting up,” Clem said. “I can’t believe it! Navarone, do you know the truth of this world?!”

“I’m hardly the most learned out there, but I think I know more than many. I know all of pony society is built to mimic that of humanity based on the collective consciousness of the restless spirits damned to forever roam the earth. I know there exist things in this world so powerful, so ancient, so mind-numbingly terrifying that you’d wet yourself if you merely caught a glimpse of them. I know there are some questions that should never be answered and some questions that should never even be asked. I know enough to rise to power even when starting from nothing. But for now, I can only hope that I know enough to entertain your readers.”

“You sound more deranged than enlightened, if I’m honest.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the part about how Celestia’s releasing chemicals into the water to make the frogs gay.” Finally, her horn lit up. It was even enough to earn a laugh from her, before she could stop herself. “Everyone deserves to know why the world is the way it is. If I’m honest, that’s one of the only ways we can fix it. I’m not sure how much this will serve as proof, but do you mind lending me some paper and a pen?”

She did so without a word, floating a few sheets of paper over, along with two different pens. I took one of each and had Flo draw something out for me relatively quickly, a basic world map with several major cities named. “These names are all wrong,” Fleur muttered as she watched me draw it.

“No, these names are all right,” I replied, finally passing it over to Clem. “This is how the world was in my time, way in the past. Notice anything strange?”

“...Pony names have pony-like words in them in comparison,” Clementine muttered, looking the map over with a seasoned eye. “It’s as if all our names were mere puns next to these…”

“That’s one of the truths of this world, Clementine,” I said. “So much of what we all do is forced to echo those who came before us. The entire world is trapped in a cycle of life and death caused by the neverending tantrum of a god who wants nothing more than to finally die and the man who would stop at nothing to keep him alive.”

“So this is why you wouldn’t promise me you’d behave,” Fleur muttered, her ears starting to twitch in several different directions. “All I asked was that you stay pleasant and not go too into detail. And yet here we are, barely passed the introductions, and you’re already spouting out secrets Celestia is literally killing to keep under wraps! Do you truly have no filter at all anymore?!”

“Sorry, Clementine’s just such a good conversationalist,” I replied with what I was hoping was a meek grin. The named mare’s horn lit up, which sold it. “She really dragged it out of me, huh?”

“Well… Seeing you look so happy was a reward all on its own, I suppose… But I’d rather only see that malicious, wicked smile of yours when you talk to me. And since I’ll be helping Miss Clementine with the wording on this article, we can focus on the more appropriate portions. Honestly, how hard is it to have a simple talk without spilling everything you know, Nav? Weren’t you the one who told me to keep some of these things secret?”

“Clementine wouldn’t publish any of this even if she could,” I replied. “We all know what happens to reporters who dig a little too deep. Making someone like me disappear would be hard. With the pageant going on, taking you out would also be problematic. But Celestia has a history of making reporters disappear. One day Clementine will be doing interviews like normal, the next day someone would be scraping her name off the door of her hastily vacated office. Everyone would know better than to ask where she went, too. If she’s lucky, the rest of her days will be spent as a broodmare for changelings. Honestly, I can tell her all the dark truths she never realized she didn’t want to know with no worry of any of it being published.”

“...Celestia would never dare touch a reporter as high profile as I am,” Clementine said, blatantly lying through her teeth. A part of me expected it, but Fleur’s horn lit up.

“Oh, did you disable your spell?” Fleur asked with a smirk. “I thought you might, at some point, so I decided to start using it as well. It seems you understand your place quite well.”

“You’d have to understand your place perfectly to survive as a reporter in a country like this,” I said. “Go over the line by even a centimeter and you disappear instantly. I can tell her everything I want and there’s nothing she can do but let that knowledge fester inside of her.”

“Nav, aren’t you being a little too… you know?” Spike said. “I mean, this is supposed to be an interview about you, right?”

“Like I said, she’s just such a great conversationalist that we got off topic,” I said, making Fleur’s horn light up again. “But you’re right, I probably am being a little too you know. I just really like talking about my hard-won lore. Maybe it would be easier to start from the beginning of my time in Equestria?” Although it would help if my elementals stopped giggling in my ears. It makes it hard to hear.

“I’d really like to hear about your time before Equestria…” Fleur whispered.

“...Staying on topic with you is going to be a nightmare, isn’t it?” Clementine asked. “Ugh. You said you came from the past?”

“Technically, we all come from the past, but… Would you like the short and simple version or the version that Fleur probably doesn’t want me to talk about?”

“I have a feeling if I take the second option, we’re going to derail even further into places I can’t even imagine,” Clementine replied.

“You’re right, we would.”

“Short and simple it is, then. But… I became a journalist to learn more about the world, to seek out knowledge that others wanted to keep hidden. I would love an opportunity to talk to you away from this…” Her eyes flashed down to Fleur for a moment before her ears twitched and she sniffed. “...beautiful chaperone of yours. At the moment, you’re hardly acting the part of the violent brute who threatened several of my friends.”

“The journalists in my time were vultures who were purposefully spreading misinformation for cash. I assumed the same would be true here. Equestria certainly does have its yellow journalism, but I don’t think any of the news organizations here are actually evil like they were in my time. I just didn’t realize that until well after I became famous enough for journalists to start following me around. Anyway, to keep my introduction short and simple, I’m basically a magical golem with the memories of a member of a species that died out long ago stitched into my head. Twilight Sparkle served as the catalyst for my creation, but she’s not my actual creator.”

“A… golem? For what purpose were you created?”

“To either obtain a soul or remain a slave for all eternity. I’m trying for the soul, now.”

“Is anything normal going to come out of your mouth?!”

“Not a chance,” Spike replied for me.

“She’s just so fun to talk to, isn’t she?” Fleur asked, snuggling up closer to me. “If you aren’t careful, you’ll lose yourself to her pace and just get dragged along!”

“I’m really struggling to see how I’m going to be able to tell my readers anything at all, at this rate,” Clem groaned, her head falling to the desk. “Can you tell me anything normal about the past, then?”

“There were more humans in our one largest city than there are sapient creatures alive today, for one thing,” I replied. “Our technology levels were also much higher, but there was no magic anywhere. It was an easier, more convenient time, though just about as dangerous. Though if I’m honest, I’d rather not talk about my implanted memories. The ones I’ve made since coming to Equestria seem more vibrant as time goes on, even if there was a lot more suffering.”

“At this point, I know there’s a lot of interest in human culture, but not many ponies even know they come from the past,” Clem said. “At least putting that information out there will make some of them happy… About how long have you been in Equestria?”

And so our little interview continued. Every time I got too far off in the weeds, Spike or Fleur would drag me back on topic. Clementine’s sanity seemed to dwindle as the conversation went on. Seeing her become increasingly frazzled made me smile even more, for some reason.

Well, actually, I think I knew the reason. She had the perfect personality to tease. It was triggering my sadistic tendencies. If I wasn’t careful, I might end up trying to pet her before I left.

“So… One of the things I wanted to ask about was your history with philanthropy,” Clementine said at some point. “It’s been said you’ve done things like rescuing fillies and raising them, donating to strange causes, giving away human music to pony musicians, and quite a lot more. Is that something all humans do, or just you?”

“Various groups of humans lived by different moral codes. The group I lived in had charity as one of its binding principles. Not everybody extolled those values all the time, but I try to help others when doing so wouldn’t be disadvantageous to me.”

“Hm. Would you be willing to talk about the fillies you found?”

“One was a unicorn named Taya that I found living on the streets of Catro. The other was a changeling that I found in the Everfree. That one goes by many names.”

“It’s rumored that you turned one into a weapon and the other into a spy, you know,” Clem replied.

“Taya chose to become my sword. I tried to discourage her from that path, but I failed. And I never tried to set Eva up as a spy. It just so happened that most of the changelings she interacted with in her time in Equestria were spies, so she may have taken on some spy-like traits.”

“There are also rumors that you raised them as sex toys.”

“Those rumors are false.”

“Oh? And you never even thought about it? You’re known to have quite the voracious appetite.”

“Fillies are for booping and petting, not molesting. There are plenty of people I can ask to scratch all my itches. I don’t need to turn to children.”

“Hm… And your donation to the clown college? That was quite a sum of bits for someone who claims to hate clowns.”

“I don’t hate clowns, I just don’t really like them that much. And I had a debt to pay. Cash was the only way I saw to settle it. To make a long story short, a clown ghost saved my life when I was in a haunted underground bunker. Thus, I made a donation to a clown college.”

“A… haunted underground bunker?”

“You heard me.”

“Ugh, please elaborate!”

Thankfully, that got us off onto another long tangent.

At some point, Fleur cleared her throat. “Instead of wasting time talking about demons and the end of the world, shouldn’t you really focus on important current events, like the pageant?”

“I have a feeling everyone in this room will regret what happens if we don’t eventually talk about it,” I said with a loud sigh.

“Even me?” Spike asked.

“Lack of involvement doesn’t mean freedom from blame,” I replied. “So what questions do you have for me or Fleur about the pageant?”

“I guess the most obvious one is, are you looking forward to it?”

“Man, what a loaded question… The Fleur approved answer is yes. My personal opinion is that I’m looking forward to it being over.”

“There’s talk that the original idea of the pageant was yours, and that it had your backing from the beginning,” Clementine said. “Yet you’re not looking forward to it? Why not?”

“I would be fine with watching it, or maybe even judging it. But I never wanted to be a contestant. I was strong-armed into it and have regretted agreeing ever since. And I guess technically speaking, I was the one who originally pitched the idea, and got Fleur in contact with the changeling queen. I stayed mostly hands-off, though.”

“I suppose it would be difficult for someone who used to be male to compete in a beauty pageant as a female.”

“Precisely. Fleur told me to get over it and said my feelings weren’t important.”

“That isn’t… exactly how I put it,” Fleur said. “I just put together a group of friends who I thought would help appeal to you most effectively. My strategy succeeded.”

“You said you would be a judge, though,” Clem said. “Do you really know what makes all the other races beautiful?”

“I don’t know what their own race finds beautiful, but since coming here, I’ve basically been forced to come to terms with the fact that all the races out there have their own kinds of beauty. Dragons have some wonderful curves, glistening scales, and can keep you warm even in the coldest continent on the planet. Griffins have warm and fluffy feathers, large paws to knead you gently, and a cute and puffy tail. Each different subrace of dog and cat are different and have their own individual traits of beauty. My vassal, Katrina, happens to come from a species that’s smoking hot. I met another cat in Egypt named Jocasta who was very cute and petite. In Germany, I met a dog woman who was very upright and honest who stood tall and strong like a knight. For ponies, look no further than Fleur, the Element of Kindness, and the Element of Generosity as examples of beauty and elegance. As an outsider looking in, I feel like I have a valuable perspective to give on the matter.”

“You’re more than welcome to describe the specific traits you find pleasing about ponies,” Fleur said.

“After spending so long telling me to behave, you come out with a line like that? Get it together, Fleur.”

“Celebrity gossip is worth quite a few bits,” Clementine said. “So please, you’re more than welcome to describe those traits. In fact, please do!”

“You’re gonna have to split this thing into multiple parts or something,” Spike muttered. “There’s no way you can market an interview like this to anyone.”

“Hey, Spike’s the only guy in the room,” I said. “Why don’t we ask him what he finds attractive?”

“Thick thighs, upfront personalities, and no drama,” he answered without missing a beat. “Cuteness is also really nice, but that’s pretty subjective and situational. I can go into more detail if necessary, but that’s probably enough. You’re up, Navi!”

“...To be completely honest, I find a lot of qualities attractive, but most of them involve personalities,” I replied. “As for physical qualities… For mares, nice butts are a must.” Fleur flinched. “Pegasi should have strong wings, since they’re better for cuddling. Unicorns should at least be decent at magic, since it’s great for all kinds of fun things. Honest and straightforward personalities are best. Not being too possessive is a pretty important one, since all fae like ponies are by definition attracted to humans. Oh, and it’s a minor thing, but I do prefer larger crotch tits. Most humans prefer sizable breasts, like my own, though I’m not really sure how ponies feel about them. They’re just fun to play with, you know?”

“Nav, I know we pressed you, but… there should be a limit somewhere,” Fleur said with a sigh.

“That’s for mares,” Clem said. “What about stallions?”

“I’m not attracted to stallions, but I do enjoy how they feel inside of me. So I guess maybe just dick size, plus their ability to use it?”

“What about your dates with Soarin’?” Clementine asked.

“I’m an idiot and didn’t realize I was being asked on a date until after both of them were over. To be fair, I did have a good time, but that’s not the point. I’m not used to guys trying to pick me up. It’s happening more and more, though, so I’ve gotten some experience with turning guys down properly. Except for the deer king, but I had to teach him a lesson.”

“Nav, don’t even think about it,” Fleur whispered.

“No, it’s cool, I have Celestia’s permission,” I replied. “Besides, he drugged me. I feel entitled to talk about the fact that I shoved all kinds of stuff up his butt while he begged for more. You’re free to talk about what the queen did to you, too.”

“I have no comments to make,” Fleur replied.

“I don’t mind making them for you,” I said. “Fleur got—” Magic suddenly covered my mouth, cutting me off.

“And I would prefer you not making any comments on my behalf, either,” Fleur said. “This interview is about you, after all.”

“So… what did the king drug you with?” Clem asked. “And for the record, which king was it, exactly?”

“Mushrooms, and his name is Aspen, king of the deer city-state called Thicket, located behind a magical concealment barrier in the Whitetail Woods near Ponyville. Not a very fun time overall, if I’m honest. I’d rate Thicket two out of ten. They lose points for being creepy, murdering their babies, selling their own as food to dragons, and using magic to literally control the emotions of the normal deer. Anyway, we got off topic. Long story short, I’m not really interested in stallions.”

“...W-what was that about murdering b-babies?” Clem asked, her voice somewhat unsteady.

And that led to another wonderful discussion. Truly, Clem was great at dragging all kinds of things out of me! I really should have spoken to a member of the media sooner. Though, thinking about it, any reporter I spoke to before brainwashing Celestia probably would have been killed before they could finish their articles.

After a fun little talk about how the deer are objectively awful, Clem changed the subject yet again. “You’ve had quite the influence on the arts, Lady Navarone. Books, comics, manga, paintings, music… What inspired you to go so far?”

“I guess at this point it’s a pretty open secret, so I might as well go ahead and confirm it… I’m the author of the books from another world. I’m also the painter of most of the paintings from another world. Or I should rather say, I’m the one who brought them forward in time. Their original authors are all dead. I do feel bad profiting off their works, but it’s not like I can just give them away. As for what inspired me, it’s that pony art sucks.”

“That’s quite the bold statement,” Clementine replied.

“Yes, we’ll have to do something about that in the final edit,” Fleur said with a nod. “Can you rephrase that for us, Navi?”

“How many people in Canterlot are secretly miserable, Fleur?” I asked. “You don’t have to actually answer that question if you don’t want to. But everyone here is afraid of Celestia’s secret police. The nobles, the servants, the guards, even the secret police themselves. The only books they have to turn to are happy novels where the main character just breezes his way through and everyone becomes friends. That’s not going to do you any good at all. If you’re suffering, you want to read a book where the main character suffers his way through something and finally succeeds in the end through hard work and perseverance. It gives you hope for your own situation, and sometimes even a way out of the darkness. Isn’t that exactly what brought you back from the brink yourself, Fleur?”

“...Yes, you are the one who saved me,” Fleur replied. “But this interview isn’t about me.”

“People like you are why I wanted to put human art out there,” I said. “Humans in my time and in my country had true freedom of expression. They didn’t have to worry about anyone coming to take them away in the night if they wrote a story critiquing the government, or a song that discussed how fine the ruler’s ass is. That meant they were free to write about suffering, putting the memory of their pain onto paper to help others who are going through similar things. That’s for books, manga, plays, and comics. The paintings I made were just a way of generating more income, but they’re also copies of human art. In the end, Flo made more of those than I did, but she gave me all of the money for them. For the music, humans just had more of it. I shared it with pony musicians on a whim. Apparently they’re doing good things with what they learned.”

“It’s hard for me to believe the same person who talks about putting pain to paper goes on to say, in the same breath no less, that she just painted hundreds of paintings for easy money,” Clem said, sounding just a little disgusted.

“It shouldn’t be hard to believe at all, actually,” Spike said. “After all, your horn didn’t light up, right?”

“Your lack of faith in me is hurtful,” I said. “Even with Deceit’s End, you still don’t trust me?”

“It’s not that, it’s just—”

“It can’t be that hard to believe, then,” Fleur said, cutting Clem off. “I do think we can also leave that particular bit out when this gets published, though. We can change it to something about how she wanted to feel more at home.”

“I think Fleur also mentioned that some of the musicians I helped are occasionally doing charity concerts,” I said. “That’s something humans back in my time did every now and then. The basic idea was to have a normal concert, then donate all the money to a specific cause. That could be stuff like replacing equipment in hospitals, feeding people struck by famine, sending medical supplies, or researching a disease. I mentioned it to the musicians and I guess some of them took it upon themselves to carry the tradition forward.”

“That’s quite an achievement in its own right,” Clem said. “Inspiring others to act in a positive way is something all nobles should aspire to, in my opinion. It’s a shame most of them do the opposite. Blackmail, in particular, is quite common.”

“It’s disappointing to hear that, but I do hope things start changing for the better soon,” I replied. “When Fancy Pants came out as gay, he said something about how nobles should try to live as examples for others. I’m hoping more and more will start to think that way in time, as those of us with heavy influence continue to act with relative integrity.” Spike actually snorted at me. “I won’t deny that you can say a lot of bad things about me, but I like to think I act with integrity. When have I ever broken the law in Equestria in a way that didn’t benefit everyone around me?”

“I don’t feel comfortable answering that question in front of a reporter,” he replied.

“Ah, Clementine is toothless,” I said, waving a hand.

“Yes, it’s fine,” Clem said with a resigned sigh. “I already know there’s no chance most of this will ever see the light of day anyway… Lady Navarone is protected by Celestia, so there’s no way I can put any of her crimes to paper.”

“Alright then, what about letting your filly study necromancy?” Spike asked.

“First off, we have Celestia’s permission, so it’s not illegal,” I said. “Second off, that’s possibly a critical part of helping me get a soul, so of course Taya was going to learn it.”

“What about the blood gems you’re planning on mining in changeling territory and illegally importing into Equestria?”

“Countesses are allowed to traffic in blood gems, so that’s not illegal. I already cleared that with the guards.”

“What about the alcohol you’ve been spreading in Equestria?”

“It’s illegal to import, but not to create it domestically or trade it domestically. I cleared that one with the guards, too. It was requested that I not make mead, but everything else is free game.”

“There’s more to integrity than not breaking laws,” Fleur said. “But this is an unproductive discussion. Perhaps we should get back to the previous topic?”

“You mean nobles that blackmail people?” I asked. “It really is unpleasant behavior.”

“The most disgusting behavior of all, really,” Clem said, sounding quite upset. She also seemed to be glaring at Fleur.

“No, I have to disagree there,” I said. “Blackmail usually only works because the other person is doing something worse. Thus, if you have evidence that an enemy is doing something wrong, you should release it immediately and ruin them, not blackmail them with it.” That made Clem’s glare disappear. Instead, her ears started twitching.

“That can be such a waste, though,” Fleur whispered, looking down.

“Better to let it go to waste taking down an enemy than to allow a viper into your camp, in my opinion,” I replied. “People you force to work with you through blackmail will usually look for a way to surreptitiously stab you in the back. If I’m going to surround myself with people, I’d rather they be people who want to be on my side, not those who were forced to be there. Though, since I’m used to being stabbed in the back at this point, it’s not too much of a problem if it happens again. After all, now I have enough power to do as I please to anyone who dares. But I guess that’s neither here nor there, to be honest. I’m sure you’re brimming with more questions, hm?”

To be honest, Clementine was starting to look a little pale. My sweet smile and dulcet tones did little to comfort her, sadly.

“Oh, you could talk about the Zone of Alienation,” Spike said. “News about that place is already out there now, so there shouldn’t be any issue with it.”

“Right, yes, that!” Clem shouted, latching onto the subject change. “Lady Navarone, will you tell me about the Zone of Alienation?!”

“Of course.” And so began our next tangent. She actually seemed fairly impressed with the story, too.

Some time later, Clem sat up and said, “Before your trip to the Zone, I heard you were vacationing in Gryphus. Were you taking part in their fertility festival?”

“Princess Gilda invited me, so I decided to join her,” I replied. “I didn’t get to spend too long at the festival itself, though. The princess and I were targeted by an assassin, so we spent the next day at a private, secluded hot spring. The third was spent relaxing in the castle.”

“I heard that you participated in one of the events while you were there,” Clementine said. “Specifically, the fighting tournament.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said. “No weapons allowed, hand to hand combat, with the prize being a date with the princess.”

“And you won that prize. Would you like to repeat your battle cry in the climactic fight against a dragon?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” I said.

“I’ll repeat it for you, then. Quote, ‘I am going to rub that forbidden princess belly,’ end quote.” She stared at me in silence for an uncomfortably long time. She finally got impatient and said, “My lady, I would like to ask what was going through your head at the time.”

“The truth would take us off into another very long tangent. I would personally prefer it if you retracted the question.”

“Nav, this is worth the tangent,” Fleur replied. “You really should set the record straight.”

“Alright, fine.” And so I explained everything about the water elementals to Clem, including how Aqua took me over and that I was in the process of fighting her in my head while fighting the dragon in the arena. As expected, Clem had to check several times to make sure her lie detector was working properly while I explained.

Once my explanation was over and she finished up all her extra questions, she grunted. “I’ve also heard rumors that you may have been in Gryphus before your public appearance. It’s also known that you were last seen in Canterlot the day before the festival started. You were at a train station right before a train to Gryphus departed, but you weren’t there for long. A very distinctive pair of mares was, though.”

“I’m going to stop you there,” Spike said. “I can assure you that Lady Navarone was at the festival for exactly one day. That’s the end of the story.” As expected, Clementine’s horn didn’t light up. After all, I was playing the part of a maid the rest of the time, not Lady Navarone. Spike really was starting to learn how to talk around the truth from this interview, so I’m glad I decided to bring him.

“If Nav says she was only there for a short time, it was obviously true,” Fleur said. “Though you said you spent time in the castle, Nav. Do you know more of the griffin royal family?”

“I have a lot of respect for King Bloodbeak. Dude’s pretty chill. And while I was there, I became acquainted with the crown prince. We didn’t have time to speak long, but we promised to talk more later. Princess Gilda is a special friend of mine. I met the rest of the royal family while serving as a guard to an ambassador, but I don’t know them very well.”

“You say that Princess Gilda is a special friend of yours,” Clem said. “I’ve heard talk of other special relationships you have with princesses.”

“You should be careful not to spread rumors about the royalty of foreign nations,” I replied. “It’s well-known that I’m a slut, so if you start to imply things like that, Gilda will get a bad reputation. She’s a special friend because she’s helping me bring back human technology. It’s amazing how intelligent she is.”

“Wait, why are you relying on a griffin instead of a pony?” Clem asked.

“Well, why not?” She replied by blinking several times, which didn’t really tell me much. “Is there a problem with asking someone who’s qualified to help me?”

“I mean… You’re an Equestrian noble, right? Why would you want to spread your technology to the griffins?”

“Why would I want to keep it to myself?” Her reply was even more blinks. “Equestria is incredibly inconvenient compared to my time. Supply lines are unsteady and inconsistent, so prices vary wildly from region to region. In some places, certain goods just outright aren’t available. In my time, I could, from the comfort of my own home, order almost anything I wanted and have it delivered within a day. If that wasn’t fast enough, I could get to a store where I could buy almost anything I’d ever need within fifteen minutes of walking. Obviously I crave that convenience again, and I intend to drag this country towards it. If that requires accepting help from outside sources like griffins, changelings, and minotaurs, so be it. I don’t care if we all share success together, as long as I never have to leave my house to deal with people again.”

“Nav… You can’t just let your true intentions show,” Fleur said, hanging her head in disappointment.

“The point is, I don’t care who I have to work with. Being useful is all that matters. And since Princess Gilda is a special kind of useful, obviously she’s a friend.”

“Hm, I see…” Clem slowly replied. “So, have you had sex with her?”

“How dare you even ask me—”

“Yes or no, please,” she said, cutting off my rant. “I know you’ve been talking around the truth the whole time. Did you really expect me to just let you get away with it?”

“Yes, I did expect you to just let me get away with it,” I replied.

“I agree with Nav,” Fleur said. “Spreading rumors about royalty isn’t in anybody’s best interest. Shall we move on to another topic?”

“And let her just get away with it?!”

“Oh, you could talk about your new army,” Spike said. “Jak mentioned that a few of those golems could take down a city, right? And you have around a hundred of them now, right?”

“Wait, what?!” Clem shouted. “You’re building an army of super soldiers that can destroy cities?!”

“Yes, of course. I wish I had thought about it so I could have brought one to show you. They’re magical golems created by applying runes to metal, stone, or wood. The first models were made for combat. I saw one in action. It was breathtakingly beautiful, a true master of violence. I know there are models now for carrying cargo and exploration. There are a lot of changes coming to Equestria. Things are definitely going to be getting more convenient soon.”

“Why… why are you making an army?”

“Because I’ve spent my entire time in Equestria wishing someone would save me from this hellish existence. It’s clear now that nobody’s coming for me, which means I need to save myself. Building an army is a good start.”

“And… Celestia’s just letting that happen?”

“Yeah, she’s cool with it. Well, it’s not like I can be stopped at this point anyway.”

“...Are you trying to say you’re more powerful than the princess, now?”

“That wasn’t my intent, no. Anyway, enough about her. This interview is supposedly about me, right?”

“Well, what do you think of Princess Celestia?” Clem asked. “I know your relationship with her has been rocky for a while. For a little while, I honestly thought you would be the next one to disappear. But lately… she seems to be smiling quite nicely while you’re around.”

“It’s creepy that you know something like that,” Spike muttered.

“In this case, the only winning move is not to play,” I replied. “I have no comments about Princess Celestia.”

“Nav, you know she won’t be mad, no matter what you say,” Spike said.

“I’m in this to win, Spike. Can we move on to another subject?”

“Before we do, one quick question,” Clem said. “When I put this in print, should I put down that you were too scared to comment?”

“Being too scared to comment itself is probably a comment, but… that’s fine. I’m not sure if fear is really the right word, but… No, I’ll leave it at that. Anything else might sound like a comment.” I just know Celestia will be all smug and smiley if I said anything nice and mopey and sad if I said anything mean. The only way to stop her from being annoying is to just say nothing at all. “Though if I’m really honest, I’d rather you not put this part to print at all. After all, I didn’t have a comment…”

“Oh, this is going to be split into several parts. We kinda rambled and meandered, so first I’ll need to structure it all together so it’s thematically consistent throughout. Then I’ll cut out all the stuff that I can’t safely publish. Finally, I’ll split it into various subjects and release them as snippets of our interview.”

“As long as you don’t purposefully take things I say out of context to make me look bad, I’m good.”

“Libel is illegal in Equestria,” Clem replied.

“That’s not libel, though.”

“What you just described is one of the qualifiers for slander in Equestrian law, actually,” Spike said. “A few centuries ago, some journalists basically went nuts and got a lot of people in trouble for nothing. After that, taking things out of context in a way that harms the reputation of others is considered slanderous behavior. Or I guess in this case, it would be libelous.”

“Wow. I guess I really was worried about the media for no reason. In my time, political operatives masqueraded as journalists and laundered hit pieces through nationally acclaimed news outlets. One of their big methods of destroying people was taking what they said out of context. It was perfectly legal, so people who weren’t paying much attention never realized they were being deceived since the outlets almost never got in trouble for it. That meant you could effectively lie about someone to an audience of millions of people with no consequences, making destroying their lives a piece of cake.”

“That’s… terrifying,” Fleur whispered.

“It means Clem really is toothless, too!” I said with a broad smile. “Maybe I can tell you even more…?”

“I… I don’t know if I can mentally handle more dark secrets right now,” Clem said, looking away. “C-can’t we keep things normal?”

“Where’s that journalistic spirit of yours?” I asked. “You seemed pretty fired up when I got here!”

“I w-wanted the truth, but… if you finally learn the truth but can’t comprehend it, have you… really gained anything? Isn’t it more of a curse than a blessing? And for the truth I can comprehend, if I can’t share it… Why even bother?!”

“I can’t help but wonder if I’d be like that if I learned all this at once,” Spike said. “When you learn it all over time, you get used to the feeling of despair before it can fully crush you. But if it hits you all at once…”

“You’re both just being dramatic,” I said, waving a hand. “I mean, we haven’t even talked about the hostile nation of intelligent giant spiders living on the continent to our south yet.”

Clem’s bloodshot eyes crossed up so she could look at her horn. It still wasn’t lighting up. “W-why?! Why aren’t any of these things lies?!”

“Hm, you want me to tell you a lie?” I asked, tilting my head slightly. “How about… Celestia’s scarier than I am!” The mare’s horn finally lit up. Instead of putting her at ease, though, all the light finally seemed to leave her eyes. It made me giggle and wrap my arms around Fleur. “What’s wrong, silly? Don’t you have more questions?”

“Nav, I think you’re being a little too… you know, again,” Spike whispered.

“Sorry, sorry, I just lose myself to it sometimes. But come on, isn’t she so adorable? Acting like she still had hope for the world or something… That lost, broken look on her face suits her better, don’t you think?”

“Now you’re definitely being a little too you know,” he said.

“Somehow I had a feeling this interview would be a huge mistake,” Fleur muttered. “And yet… And yet… Why can’t I stop smiling?”

“Ugh… P-ponyville! Let’s talk about Ponyville, Lady Navarone! You lived there for years, after all. It’s quite the famous town. Surely you have all kinds of stories about it, right?”

“I do have an interesting one. Do you want to hear the truth about the founding of Ponyville?”

As soon as I said the word truth, Clementine broke out in sweat. “N-no, I… Er, the readers want to know m-more about you, Lady Navarone! Can’t you tell us a little about your life in Ponyville, before you became a noble? What was a day like in the life of a great hero?”

Throwing too much at her all at once might do irreversible damage, so I decided to be lenient and answer her question properly. Sadly, the answer was boring and forgettable. It seemed some mundanity is what the reporter needed, as she finally perked up a little.

When she got tired of that, she changed the subject yet again. “So, Lady Navarone, I… have something of a sensitive topic. Would you mind if I asked a few questions about Luna?”

“I’d prefer you not, but it’s probably better to answer some concerns a few people might have. So do what you must.”

“I guess we’ll start from the beginning, then. When and how did you first meet her?”

“She tracked me down late one night while I was out for a walk. It wasn’t too long after I was first created. At the time, I had no idea what a princess was even doing out where I was. Later, I found out Celestia sent her to scout me out.”

“To scout you out? For what purpose?”

“Any purpose at all. Luna happened to think I’d be good for combat. Long story short, that’s how I ended up as a knight.”

“What did you think about meeting her at the time?”

“I was scared. All the ponies in Ponyville are absolutely terrified about the idea of upsetting Princess Celestia. The kind of instinctual terror they had gave me reason to worry. And when I met both sisters, I realized there was something unfathomable about them. It just took me too long to realize what it was.” Not that I ever had a chance of escaping.

“Was there ever a time when you weren’t afraid of Luna?”

“Before I left Equestria on my airship, no. I lived in constant fear.”

“She admitted to committing a few very serious crimes against you, Lady Navarone.”

“...Yes, I remember. I was there, unfortunately.”

“Why did you run after her confession, Lady Navarone?”

“Because I was a broken coward. She confessed those crimes because of an ultimatum I gave her, but I only gave it to her because I didn’t think she had the resolve to actually confess.”

“You gave a princess an ultimatum?” Clem asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I told her if she admitted to her crimes, I’d consider forgiving her. I shouldn’t have said that, though.”

“How long was Celestia aware of Luna’s abuse?”

“Longer than I’ve been alive,” I replied. “Apparently she has a history of things like this.”

“And yet… you made her a vassal.”

“That circles back around to the water elemental I told you about, Aqua. Luna asked me while Aqua was in charge and I was forced to agree.”

“Aqua is no longer in control, yet you haven’t cast Luna aside.”

“Atonement is a better path forward for someone like her than rotting in a cell, I think. She’s pretty useful, I gotta say.”

“...And yet, instead of blackmailing someone to give them a chance to work for you, you’d rather ruin them?”

“I can’t just go around fixing everyone I meet,” I replied. “Do you know how traumatizing it is to have people who’ve done horrible things to me around all the time? The more terrible people I attach to myself at the hip, the worse I feel. It just so happens that people like Luna and Kat have skills valuable enough for me to get over that aversion. It also just so happens that I didn’t have to blackmail them to serve me. They chose to do it of their own volition. Meanwhile, any horrible person I get working for me due to blackmail is probably going to have a grudge. Much better to just get rid of them entirely. If I want a talented person to work for me, I’ll go to a hiring agency, or to friends like Fleur. After all, she has wonderful friends like you. There’s no reason to turn to my enemies.”

“Do you actually trust that Luna intends to serve you faithfully?” Clem asked.

“For as long as I continue to be a person worth serving, I believe so. In fact, when she first became my vassal, her intense devotion was a little troubling. Then there was the dog collar incident… But I think we’ll strike a good balance soon. Plus, her tummy is nice and rubbable and she never puts up any kind of fuss no matter how much I pet her.”

“You don’t have to put that part in the paper,” Fleur quickly said.

“You… pet ponies?” Clem slowly asked.

“Of course. If you’d like me to demonstrate, you’re welcome to take Fleur’s spot on my lap.” She stared at me incredulously. “In fact, I insist. Join me over here, Clementine.”

“No, that won’t do,” Fleur said. “Nav, you can’t just use your position as a noble to touch whatever mare you set your eyes on.”

“If she’s going to be writing the fact that I pet ponies, she should experience it herself so she can explain it properly. It certainly wouldn’t be good if anyone got the wrong idea, after all. So come on over, Clementine!”

“I’m… I’m not sure I’m comfortable…”

“Then don’t ask me any more questions about it. Shall we move on?”

“W-wait, who else do you pet?!”

“If you refuse to experience it properly, I don’t see why I should explain anything. So let’s move on to the next topic.”

“I think that’s for the best, yes,” Fleur said with a nod. “Not just everyone deserves the wonderful feeling of your fingers, Navi. It should be reserved for those of us who are loyal by choice.”

“Well, she is a good friend of yours,” I replied, booping Fleur. “That means she’s loyal by choice, right? In that vein, shouldn’t I reward her with pets?”

“What do you mean by reward?” Clem asked. “How could something so demeaning be a reward?”

“You forfeited your right to ask questions when you refused Nav’s generous offer,” Fleur replied. “Now I insist we find a new topic!”

“And her tummy looks so rubbable, too,” I whispered.

“Have you ever seen a pony without a rubbable looking belly?” Spike asked.

“Yes, but they’re rare. I can’t judge just by sight, but Clem is probably at least a seven out of ten. But somehow, her journalistic spirit isn’t intrigued by this new discovery, so we really should move on.”

“R-right, let’s get… b-back on track,” Clem said, her ears twitching like crazy. “Um… You’re also friends with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, correct?”

Friend is such a strong word, but… “That’s right. They actually happen to be staying in my manor at the moment, along with their filly. I didn’t really start as friends with either of them, but we got closer in time.”

“I could see how you’d butt heads with the captain of the guard, but Princess Cadance is supposedly friendly with everyone. How was it that you two didn’t start as friends?”

“I was very wary of her love powers, especially since she attempted to use them against me. She caused quite a lot of chaos in Canterlot Castle when she failed, too. Also, she was a little too innocent in the beginning. It took time for us to see eye to eye. It probably would have helped if I wasn’t so unpleasant back then.”

“Are you claiming to be pleasant now?” Clem asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I mean, comparatively. For example, I don’t threaten reporters anymore. And it’s been… a few months since I last hit any members of royalty. I think the last one was slapping Celestia a few times. She deserved it, though, so it’s cool.”

“You… you slapped Princess Celestia?” Clem said, though it came out kinda like a croak.

“Your horn didn’t light up, so I don’t see any reason for you to ask something when I literally just told you the answer.”

“Forgive me for being shocked!”

“No. How many times have you been shocked in this conversation? When are you going to steel yourself already? It’s obvious we’re talking about some surprising things in this interview. If you react like this every time, it’s just going to make it take longer.”

“Nav…” Fleur whispered, patting my leg. “It means less when the main reason you keep saying these shocking things is to get that kind of reaction…”

“Yeah, but you don’t normally see a pony’s face go this color,” I replied. “Isn’t that worth it, in a way?” I couldn’t tell if Clem was angry or just too shocked to reply. Her face was turning a strange purple and a part of me wondered if we’d need to call for medical help. I didn’t let that fear show on my face and instead kept on my perfect smile.

“It uh… It has been a little while since the interview started,” Spike said. “Maybe we should take a short break? I wouldn’t mind stopping by the bathroom, myself…”

“Right, sorry about forgetting your mortal concerns,” I said. “By all means, we can recess for a few minutes. We passed a small company store on the way in. I’ll grab something and be back in a bit.”

“Did you even bring any bits?” Spike asked.

“I don’t need to,” I confidently replied, holding out one of my hands. A small sack instantly appeared on it. When I opened it to check, it had ten bits. Thank you for letting Luna know, Darya. She got it here quickly. Knowing her, though, I expected a bag of a hundred or more instead. “You wanna come with, Fleur?”

“But of course!” She finally slid off my lap. If I was still a normal human, my legs would have been asleep. My new and improved part-fae body seemed built for hosting small creatures across my lap, so my legs never fell asleep. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t going to complain.

“W-where… where did that b-bag come from?” Clem whispered.

It looked like she was starting to calm down, so I clearly knew my answer. “Sorry, we decided to recess. We can talk about it when I get back.” Her face fell and slammed into her desk. The three of us walked out into the hall, leaving her door open behind us.

“Technically speaking, I’m probably not supposed to leave your side, as your guard,” Spike said.

“I’m not going to the bathroom with you. Just come back here when you’re done. It shouldn’t take long for us to get a sandwich or something.”

“Promise not to go on any adventures,” he replied, crossing his arms. “To the cafe and back, no detours.”

“Fleur is my chaperone. Do you really think she’ll let that happen?”

“She kinda just sat there and watched as you ran that interview straight into the ground.”

“Yeah, but she’s having fun, so that doesn’t count. Anyway, we’re going. See you.” He sighed, but didn’t try to stop me.

“It’s not like I didn’t try to stop you,” Fleur said in my head as she followed alongside me.

Making use of the elementals to talk was probably wise, given that we were in enemy territory, so I replied in kind. “It didn’t really seem like your heart was in it, you know?”

“Somehow it seems that no matter what I do, I end up marching to the beat of your drum, Nav. Is that what the pull you described is all about? Is that why you find it so easy to just drag me along like it’s nothing, to make my heart beat faster than no one else?”

“Probably. I may be the main character, but my personality is in no way conducive to building a harem. The only way this could have ever happened is with some kind of external assistance. I mean, you were targeting me before we were even friendly, just in a different way.”

“Your low self-confidence comes out in the strangest of ways sometimes. To get back to more pressing matters, what happened to all that talk in the carriage ride about trying to behave? Nav, I set this interview up for you hoping you could use it to improve things. Bullying your interviewer is hardly the best way to accomplish that.”

“If she doesn’t want to end up in a changeling hive, she’s going to write whatever you tell her to write. At least, if she doesn’t want certain pieces of evidence to cross Blossom’s desk.”

“...So Blossom told you about that. And you waited until now to bring it up?”

“Blossom didn’t tell me, actually. I saw it in the coma. And why do you think I went into length about the subject in the interview? It was my hint to Clem that she wants to stay your good friend. And it was also my hint to you, Fleur.” Namely, don’t do this again.

“My methods for obtaining supporters are much more limited than yours, Nav. I don’t always have the option to be picky, especially not when emergencies are involved. And if I put all my evidence to use blatantly destroying my opponents, it won’t take very long for their allies to put together evidence to destroy me. Sometimes the best thing a mare can do is make use of it in the right place at the right time. As you said, the only way blackmail works is if the person being blackmailed is guilty of worse things than blackmail itself. Doesn’t that make it the lesser of two evils?”

“Can we really vanquish the greatest evil there is by making the choice to pick any evil at all? Inviting traitors into the fold is dangerous, Fleur. Especially when they commit treason for mere coin. Didn’t you say she was printing propaganda for other countries in exchange for gold?”

“Then bribe her to make her loyal. If you pay the biggest salary, she won’t turn her head.”

“I’d sooner throw her to the changelings. She’s your pet, not mine.” And for the first time in the conversation, I finally opened my mouth. “So, what kind of sandwich do you want?” The company store wasn’t all that large, as expected. All the options were vegetarian, because ponies suck. There were a few other options aside from sandwiches, but they’d be a pain to eat without a desk or silverware.

“Egg salad for me, please,” Fleur said, also finally using her mouth.

“Can we get three egg salad sandwiches, please?” I asked the mare at the counter.

“I never expected to see the hero Navarone in my store,” the mare replied as she started wrapping them up.

“Life sure takes you places,” I said. “I never expected to be giving an interview, myself. I also never thought I’d be someone so recognizable. Maybe I should start spreading some kind of urban legend about how spotting me makes weird things happen to you for five days?”

“Does it?”

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “How much are the sandwiches?”

“No charge, ma’am,” the mare said. “My niece was in the tower the day the demons took it over. You saved her life.”

“Oh. Well, thank you. I hope if weird things do happen to you, they’re mostly good ones.”

“I hope so as well, ma’am,” she said as she hoofed me the bag with the sandwiches. “Good luck with your interview!”

“I’m giving it my all.” She waved as we took the sandwiches and left, heading back to Clem’s office. “Celestia didn’t give me a single bit when I took those demons out, even after I got hurt for it. But now, my efforts have finally been rewarded, Fleur. That wonderful mare just gave me free food. How can a single store clerk give better rewards than the princess of half the world?”

“Did you ask Celestia for a reward?”

“I didn’t ask that mare for free sandwiches. Next time the election comes up, I’ll vote for her instead.”

“You didn’t even get her name, Nav. And what election?”

“The princess election, and I’m having the elementals wire the building. I’ll learn her name eventually. Anyway, just think how bored you’d be if I behaved myself all the time. To be honest, you probably never would have even noticed me if I wasn’t like this.”

“No offense, but you’re impossible not to notice, even back when you were what you called a normal human. After all, you are also the only human. That definitely makes you stand out.”

“I’m not the only human, just the only one most people will ever have the chance to see. I got to see two of the other humans earlier and I gotta say, I’m probably the most normal one.”

“That’s terribly sad, isn’t it?” Fleur whispered.

“In semi-related news, I was also forcefully kissed by those two humans. It was kinda spooky.”

“Spooky, hm? Are you sure it didn’t excite you?”

“No, it spooked me the heck out. Especially since one of them was talking about keeping me there by force just seconds before kissing me and the other literally looks like a child.”

“Oh. Yes, that sounds spooky, alright. So… You kissed a little child, then?”

“Don’t put that on me. She forced her lips on mine while I was chained to a chair. Besides, she only looks like a child. She’s a hag on the inside. Unlike some people, I don’t judge others out loud by how they look, only how they act. She can look like a loli all she wants, but she’s still a hag. That means my lips were stolen by two different hags this morning.”

“Well, allow me to help reduce their influence,” Fleur replied. She stopped me to lean up for a kiss, which I accepted without a fuss. “There, isn’t that better?”

When you compare human lips to horse lips, I’d still rather prefer the human, but… “Yes, thank you.” I mean, at this point, can Hera or Athena really be called human? They’re probably just as human as I am, now.

“I suppose I can see why you’re acting out after such a horrific experience,” Fleur said as we continued. “But you really shouldn’t take out your frustration on Clementine, Nav.”

“I know, but I’m too scared to take out my frustration on the two who are actually guilty. Besides, Clem asked for the truth. It’s not my fault she can’t handle it.”

“There’s not a pony alive who wouldn’t have issues digesting everything we talked about in that interview…”

“How much time do you have booked for this, anyway? We’ve probably been here about two hours already.”

“Three and a half hours total,” Fleur replied. “I know it’s far too late at this point, but… do you think you could consider behaving for the rest of it?”

“I considered behaving for the first half. I just chose not to. I don’t see why I should be forced to consider it a second time, but I’ll do it as a special favor to you. But again, I do have to ask… Where’s the fun in that? Would you be able to wear a real smile if you heard me talk like a boring noble?”

“Short-term happiness is easily eclipsed by long-term consequences, Nav. You should be well aware of this by now.”

“We only have to worry about consequences if you allow your pet to misbehave, Fleur. How I acted in that interview never mattered in the first place.”

“I… suppose I can see why you would come to that conclusion.” It wasn’t that long of a walk back to the office, so we made it back before she could annoy me any more. Spike was already waiting for us by the door.

“Did she behave?” he asked Fleur as soon as we got close.

“I don’t wanna hear that from the guy getting a free sandwich,” I said, handing him one of the three.

“We’re all getting them for free,” Fleur said, floating hers over with magic. “The mare gave them to us since Nav saved her niece’s life in the mage’s tower.”

“That’s extremely not the point. Anyway, let’s get back in there, eat, and start round two.”

Spike had the audacity to pat me on the head with a small yet proud smile. I was too shocked to even try defending myself. “Sorry for doubting you, Nav.” He was already leading the way inside before I recovered. As much as I wanted to kick him, I knew I missed my chance. There was no choice but to let him get away with it.

This time.

When we entered, Clem was massaging her temples with her hooves and muttering something. Her eyes were closed, but there’s no way she didn’t hear us walking in. If she wanted to ignore us, though, I was all for having a moment to eat. I took my spot back on the couch. This time, Fleur didn’t plop herself across me, but she did take up residence next to me.

Long story short, the sandwich was pretty good.

Better yet, Clem was mostly recovered when we finished. She still seemed exhausted, but she didn’t need to be attentive when everything was being recorded anyway.

The bad news is, I decided to behave to placate Fleur. I didn’t really wanna, but nobody really wants to be an adult. Sadly, it meant the rest of the interview was so boring I barely remember it. It certainly wasn’t worth the trouble of jotting down, even if Flo would probably be happy to do it for me.

By the end of it, Clem actually looked a little more positive. It sickened me, but at least Fleur was happy.

When we finally got out of the building, I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. “It’s finally over… I know I don’t need to be worried about what she writes, but the thought of appearing in a newspaper still feels weird to me.”

“Given how long you two talked, she’ll probably be able to spread it out over at least a month’s worth of papers,” Spike replied. “So rejoice, my lady. You’ll be even more famous!”

“Spike is absolutely right, but it will take some time to censor her properly,” Fleur said. “I was hoping to have at least a part of the interview released before the pageant begins, but that may be a pipe dream now…”

“I have faith in you,” I said, patting her back. “So, homeward bound?”

“Yes, to pick up Kat and Princess Gilda, if they’re available,” Fleur said. “Then we’ll be heading out to the spa. It’s the last day before the pageant begins, so we need to make sure you’re all sparkling!”

Literally hell. “If we must.”

“We absolutely must. Now, let me call our carriage.” Her horn lit up and a buzzer appeared. She pressed a button on it and the thing began gently flashing. The chariot wasn’t parked far at all, as it soon came into view.

Darya, warn Kat we’re coming. Make sure she’s up and energized. And if possible, ask the elementals at the Zone to send Princess Gilda back to the house. I know she probably cares more about her work than Fleur’s nonsense, but if I’m forced to deal with it, I’m dragging her down with me.

“Of course,” Darya replied in my head. “You may not consider yourself all too human anymore, but the way you express spite and drag others down with you is incredibly human-like to me, my lady.”

Thank you, Darya. That means a lot to me. “I guess we’ll need to change guards when we get back,” I said after we were all loaded into the carriage. “I’m sure one of the mares will be willing to join us.”

“Wait, why?” Spike asked. “It’s been ages since I got to go to a Canterlot spa!”

“I’m afraid Nav is right,” Fleur said. “We can hardly have a gentleman accompany us to the spa, of all places.” Spike seemed crestfallen, but that’s what he gets for just assuming he was invited.

“Do they take walk-ins?” I asked.

“I made appointments for all the contestants,” Fleur replied. “This will be the first time all of you get together, since you resisted all of my efforts so far. I’m quite looking forward to it!”

“I’m happy for you,” I replied with a small smile.

“But not happy for yourself?”

“No, I’m dying on the inside right now. The upside is that I already know most of the contestants. The downside is everything else.”

“That’s quite a pessimistic outlook, Nav. Soon you’ll see all those worries were for nothing!”

“Nav, it sounds like you need to cuddle something cute for a few minutes,” Spike said. “Will Fleur hold you over until you can get your hands on Skyla?”

“Fleur’s elegance and beauty completely overshadow her cuteness, unfortunately,” I replied, looking the mare up and down.

“I’ll have to work on that,” Fleur said. “If cuteness truly can calm you down, perhaps we can avoid you going out of control in the next interview.”

“I behaved myself for the second part. Besides, it’s not like it matters when your pet’s the one doing the writing. And Clementine loves learning the truth, so I’m sure she was ecstatic about the whole affair.”

“It looked like she was in despair before we took that break,” Spike said.

“Sorry, I sometimes forget about the concerns of mortals,” I replied. “I should have realized she needed a break sooner.”

“You truly can be quite the hoofful at times, Nav,” Fleur said, shaking her head.

“Thanks to Hera, I’m actually two handfuls now,” I said, firmly grasping my tiddies. “They’re fun to play with, but pretty inconvenient and heavy.”

“If you ever need me to help hold them up, I’m here for you,” Spike said.

“You’re such a good friend, Spike,” I replied. “So, what can you tell me about this spa? It’s gotta be big if it’s going to host all the contestants at once.”

And so Fleur delved into the history of the famous spa we were visiting. In fact, she delved way too far into it, to the point where she didn’t shut up until we got back to the house. The short version is that a kind of hot spring was discovered while they were digging the mines under Canterlot. A few entrepreneurs built it up into a bath and over time, it morphed into a spa. It was probably the oldest one in Equestria. The place sounded much better than the Hamlet of Mehdiocrity. As for whether or not a massage from hooves was worth receiving… Well, I guess I was going to find out.

When we got back to the manor, Gilda still hadn’t returned. Apparently she had been doing some experiments at a remote part of the bunker complex, but she was reluctantly working her way to a teleport circle. Kat, of course, was waiting for us in the entrance hall. The instant I stepped inside, she appeared before me.

Shockingly, she didn’t lunge at me or latch onto me, but curtsied properly. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a surprisingly warm voice. Who is this person? Is it Doppel in disguise? Or did Kat get possessed by one of the ghosts from the bunker? “...Is something wrong, my lady?”

“You didn’t launch yourself at me. It caught me off guard.”

“You’ve asked me to stop doing that. Why should it surprise you that I stopped?”

“Because you generally ignore me when I ask you to stop doing things.”

She looked down and her smile faded away. “I couldn’t stand the thought of driving you to the point of replacing me. So I will do better, my lady. My insanity may disqualify me from standing at your side at all times, but… I couldn’t live if you cast me away… And seeing your looks of disappointment and disgust when I draw closer wears on me. I will do my best to become perfect for you, my lady!”

“Thank you, Kat. I’m not sure if I’m worthy of that level of devotion, but hopefully I’ll continue becoming less shitty, too.” It’s weird, though. Even with how terrifying Kat is, I never really thought about asking her to leave.

“I can’t imagine Nav ever getting rid of you, though,” Fleur said. “She’s too weak against love, and you obviously love her more than almost anyone else. You’re also cute and crazy hot.”

“Coasting on my amazing body isn’t enough anymore,” Kat replied, keeping her eyes firmly on me. “I might win my lady’s attention that way, but nothing else. One day, I want you to look upon me with pride, not just scorn or lust.”

You’re fighting an uphill battle, but it looks like you’re finally getting started. Darya, thank Cascade for me. Looks like she’s doing something useful in Kat’s head. “I’m looking forward to seeing how you do in the pageant, Kat,” I said with a smile. “It should be a good chance to see your progress. Though if I’m honest, I expect you to win.”

“Should you be saying that without having met the rest of the contestants?” Spike asked.

“I can’t think of any better woman than Kat to represent the best traits of femininity here in this barbaric post-apocalyptic society,” I replied with a shrug. “Hot, lethal, sociopathic, stealthy, talented with music, acrobatic, plus a lot more. Everything you need to survive this awful wasteland, really. Compared to a softy like Octavia or a meathead like Kumani, she seems like a clear frontrunner.”

“Wow,” Fleur said.

“It's obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?” I said. “I was planning on putting some bets on Kat, if I can find any bookies. Anyway, no sense standing around the entryway. I’m heading up to my room for a moment.”

“Would you like me to help you find another outfit for the spa, my lady?” Kat asked. “That outfit seems a little formal.”

“Sure.”

“Wait, I’d actually quite like to talk about what you just said,” Fleur interjected. “What do you mean, post-apocalyptic wasteland?!”

“I mean, there have been a ton of apocalypses, you know,” I said. “As far as I’m concerned, this place is pretty barbaric compared to what I left behind. The largest, most powerful countries are all ruled by beings with absolute power, lording over their people as gods. Most of the landmass is either covered in monsters or otherwise uninhabitable, making the majority of the world essentially a wasteland. Hordes of roaming spirits haunt every place imaginable, driving the living to commit the same mistakes for generations on end. A demon god extinguishes almost all civilization every few thousand years. This can’t be described as anything other than a pure hellscape, can it?”

“...When you put it like that, of course it sounds bad,” Fleur muttered.

“I mean, sure, you can take a walk around and everything seems fine on the surface level,” I said. “Smiles on the faces of all the common ponies, food in everyone’s belly, money in everyone’s wallet… But peel back even a single layer and you start seeing this death world for what it truly is. Anyway, we’re on the clock. Come along, Kat. And Spike, I’ll be asking you to deliver something soon.”

“I’ll be waiting in the sun room,” he replied.

I finally led the way further into the house, where I immediately found Doppel waiting for me. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a wide smile. “Would you like me to prepare anything?”

“I’m heading up to change real quick,” I said. “I’m sure Fleur would appreciate tea. Don’t worry about me.”

“Of course I’ll worry about you,” Doppel said. “I spend my days doing nothing else, in fact. So I’ll have tea ready for you when you get back downstairs, of course!”

“Do as you must.” After spending so long talking, it might actually be good for my throat.

“You also received a letter, my lady,” Doppel said. “It’s upstairs on your desk.”

“...Now that I think about it, I kinda figured I would have gotten a lot more letters. Invites to parties, letters of introduction, probably more.”

“We would never allow such things to waste your time,” Kat said.

“This one happens to be anonymous,” Doppel said. “We figured you’d find it amusing, so we left it for you after running a few magic scans on it. We have no idea what it says, but it’s safe.”

“They probably just forgot to sign the envelope or something,” I said. “Whatever, I’ll check it out. I should be down soon.” I finally started heading to the stairs. Kat followed along behind me. Fleur and Doppel went off to the kitchen. Spike made his way to the sun room.

As promised, a letter was sitting on top of my desk when we got up to my room. The dayglass was sitting next to it. All the sand had fallen to the bottom, so my seed was ready.

“It seems things are going to get busy soon,” Kat said as she walked over to one of the wardrobes.

“Seems that way,” I said, making my way over to the desk. “The pageant’s probably gonna be hectic. I’m really looking forward to it being over.”

“I do hope you at least try to enjoy it, my lady…” Who allowed you to have any hope?

I didn’t reply out loud. Instead, I cut the letter open and began reading. As I did, a smile soon crossed my face. “Oh, how cute… I might have to frame this!”

“Is it a photo?” Kat asked.

“Oh, no. It’s a death threat.” Kat sprinted across the room, dropping the clothes in her paws to move faster. Before I could finish reading, she snatched it from my hands and sniffed the ink. After a few seconds, she sighed in relief. “Not poison?” I asked.

“Sorry, my lady,” she said, passing it back. “It was habit.”

“Thanks for the thought, but I’m immune to poison.” I took a few seconds to finish reading the letter. There really weren’t many details, not that I expected any. Whoever this person was planned to kill me during the pageant, it seemed. “I guess I actually do have something to look forward to!”

“My lady, how can you even say that?” Kat asked.

She took the letter as I handed it to her. While she read it over, I pulled out the bag of ten bits I got from Luna and set it on the desk. That was what I promised Spike for delivering the seed, so having it pre-bagged was pretty convenient. I didn’t have any other bags around, so I’d have to just hand him the seed.

“They… intend to attack in the open?” Kat whispered.

“Is that viable?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve done something similar before,” Kat said. “The client requested I send a death threat, so I started with that. However, I killed the target before the date specified in the letter, to catch him off guard.”

“Today is the last day before the pageant, so that’s unlikely. If I’m honest, I’m really curious who thinks they’re powerful enough to murder me in front of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, Moonbeam, Luna, and possibly Celestia.”

“I can understand being curious, but… why would you be looking forward to this?” Kat asked.

“I mean, think about it,” I said as I finally started pulling off my clothes. “The pageant is gonna be pretty boring and miserable, right?”

“Obviously. But asking for an assassin to spice it up is a little much, don’t you think?”

“Normally, sure. But if an assassin is just gonna come knocking, how could I possibly look that gift horse in the mouth?” Finally, I stood before Kat in my birthday suit. Normally, her eyes would be glued on my body. Now, though, her eyes were firmly locked onto mine. “So, worst case scenario: An assassin shows up and makes things interesting. Best case scenario: They kill me and I wake up with no memories of the pageant at all. It’s win-win, really!” With that, I finally removed my backup seed.

Everything instantly went black all around me.

Chapter Two Hundred and Fifteen

Chapter Two Hundred and Fifteen

Despite finding myself surrounded in darkness, I knew panicking would get me nowhere. A few possibilities came to mind. First, I was kidnapped by Discord again. Given the complete silence and lack of sensations around me, that seemed unlikely. Second, Flo forcefully pulled my consciousness away for making such a reckless statement. That also seemed unlikely, since she isn’t that mean. And third, the most likely, was that I had died.

The question was, if I died, when did I die? Was it during the pageant? Or did something happen several years into the future that led to me ending up several backups down the line? If everything went as planned, that meant Spike planted this particular seed at my old house near the Everfree. If it’s after the pageant, my vassals would likely be waiting for me.

But if it was several years later and someone was hunting me… They’d have a pretty good idea of where to look. If I truly did die, getting out of my cocoon as quickly as possible was my number one priority. After that, I needed information.

As soon as escape came to my mind, I heard a small crack. Moments later, something fell away from my face and a gentle light streamed through. Sure enough, I saw my house in Ponyville. A few lights were on inside, even though it was probably fairly late at night. The gentle light I saw was the moon and stars.

Once the bark around my face was clear, more of it started breaking away. Something behind me carefully eased my body out of the tree, easily knocking off all the remaining bark. My legs couldn’t handle the sudden freedom and I buckled forward. Something soft and warm caught me before I could hit the ground.

“My lady!” Kat screamed as she hugged me.

“Long time no see, Kat,” I casually replied. “So, best case scenario?”

“Oh, my lady!” She followed that with some incoherent sobbing as she pulled me tighter.

Thankfully, I heard someone else coming. “My lady!” Doppel shouted as she sprinted forward.

“Oh, Doppel, maybe you could—” Nope, she couldn’t. Instead of trying to explain anything, she hugged me and started crying as well.

I had an unfortunate feeling that was going to be a theme.

The next guest was a little more surprising. “Skyla? I figured you would have—”

Of course, Skyla wasted no time throwing herself at me as well. “Navi!” she shouted, rubbing her head against me as she started to cry. “Y-you can p-pet me all you want, I promise! P-please, just d-don’t leave us again!”

“I mean, I’m certainly not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, but last I remembered, you still hadn’t given me permission…”

She was too busy crying and sobbing with the rest to give me a more coherent answer.

The good news is that if everyone had time to cry, there probably wasn’t anyone out there trying to hunt me down. Then, another thing got me worrying. Were they all crying because they were happy to see me back, or were they crying because they had horrible news to give me? I mean, if there was something out there dangerous enough to kill me, there’s no telling who else might have gotten caught in the crossfire.

“I’d really like some info on what exactly happened,” I said. “Doppel and Skyla, you two can keep crying. Kat, you can cry later. Go into assassin mode for now.”

Much to my surprise, that didn’t work. Maybe she did some more reforming in the time since I made the seed. Thankfully, the sound of another set of hooves caught my attention. It didn’t sound like this pony was running, so they’d hopefully be willing to talk. “Oh, you’re finally up,” Taya nonchalantly said. “Good morning, mommy. Though I guess it’s actually kinda late, now.”

“Hey, Taya,” I said. “So, what happened?”

“You died.”

Dammit, there goes my killstreak! “RIP me, I guess. Can you be more specific?”

“You were killed while protecting Skyla from assassins. Don’t worry, though. You managed to kill or disable all of the attackers.”

“How long has it been since I made the seed?”

“About three weeks. It was planted right after you gave it to Spike, you died a little more than a week after it was planted, it fully matured less than a week later, and it’s been slightly over a week since then.” So my memories are technically only a week out of sync, discounting the time I spent dead. There’s no way the pageant could still be going on now, so I think I’m in the clear! It really was the best case scenario! Although…

“Did we lose anyone else?” I asked. If someone I cared about got hurt, it would be hard to call it a victory.

“A few of the guards that were assigned to the pageant, but nobody you seemed to know.”

“The death threat was supposed to be for me. I can understand guards dying, but why was I protecting Skyla?”

“A lot happened.”

Before she could go into more details, the two I expected from the beginning finally showed up. Darya and Flo enveloped me and the three people hugging me in a flood of water. “Hey guys, how’s it going?”

“Quite well, now that you’re finally back up,” Flo replied. “We’re confident that we can reconstruct your memories and play them back flawlessly, but they’ll be lacking any emotion.”

“I apologize for allowing your previous vessel to die, my lady,” Darya said.

“There’s no need to apologize. I probably did something dumb that led directly to me dying, so it was almost definitely my fault. And I only missed a week, so I don’t think we need to worry about the memories.”

“We can, of course, avoid the memories of the pageant,” Flo replied.

“I will only accept the memories of that week if you promise you won’t add the memories of the pageant unless I explicitly and specifically request them,” I replied. “No slipping them in under the radar due to uncertain wording.”

“Tch!”

“You don’t even have a tongue, so I don’t wanna hear it, missy. That said, I’d rather we wait until I’m inside. Unfortunately, the people clinging to me still seem to be crying…”

“Allow us to assist,” Darya said. Just like that, the two elementals began sliding us toward the house. Taya stepped out of the way, then followed along behind us.

“Taya said there were a few guard casualties. Any injuries or anything else? Or did my crew come out okay?”

“You made sure they remained safe,” Darya replied. “Well, with my help.”

“Good. My safety is obviously a lower priority, given that I can respawn.”

“That’s what I told Skyla after you were murdered in front of her, but she didn’t like that,” Taya said. “Cadance also said something mean to me, too…”

“That wasn’t very nice of her,” I said. “Speaking of which, she isn’t waiting for me in there, is she?”

“No, she’s back in her kingdom for now,” Flo said. “But she’s been notified that you’re awake, so she should be back here soon.”

“I’d really rather wait until I get my bearings, take a shower, regain some memories, and put on clothes before entertaining more visitors. I also have to fit petting Skyla somewhere in there. Probably after the clothes.”

“You should have told me that before I informed the others,” Flo said.

“...Others?”

Before she could reply, I found myself somewhere else. It was still dark and I could still see my house, but I was no longer surrounded by water. Doppel and Kat were also missing, but Skyla was still holding on tight. I didn’t have time to get my bearings before a pair of large wings wrapped around me, then forced me into a soft and fuzzy chest. “Welcome back to the land of the living,” Celestia warmly said. “You gave us all quite a scare, Nav. See there? Skyla’s still crying, even now.”

“I don’t see why anyone would be worried,” I replied. “I mean, we all knew I’d come back.”

“You, Taya, and the elementals were the only ones convinced of that,” Celestia replied. “The rest of us were concerned that our greatest hero left us forever.”

“Well, as you can see, I got better. So if you could set me down, I’d quite like a shower.”

“I don’t see why I’d have to let you go for that. The shower at the palace is large enough for all three of us!”

“I heard a pretty important national hero just died. Don’t you have important princess-y things to do related to that?”

“Celebrating the birth of a new hero is pretty important and princess-y, I believe,” Celestia smugly replied. “It’s disappointing Princess Skyla beat me here, but at least I’m more regal.”

Thankfully, we were disturbed by the return of Kat and Doppel. They both managed to stop crying and neither tried grabbing me. “My… my lady, how do you… feel?” Doppel asked.

“Just fine, but I’d like a shower and some clothes. I’d prefer no more visitors until I have time to get my head on straight.”

“I feel like that might be asking too much,” Kat said. “Doppel, Skyla, and I have been here ever since you died. Everyone else has just been hoping for word of your revival. Now that you’re up—”

She was interrupted by the appearance of Luna, who used magic to snatch me away from Celestia. Once again, Skyla managed to hold on tightly and was carried away with me. “My lady, you’ve awakened!” Luna shouted, forcing me against her own chest this time.

“Luna, put up an anti-teleportation field,” I said. “I don’t want more guests.”

“At once, my lady!” she happily replied. Her horn lit up brighter and a small bubble appeared over the estate. “I gleefully await more orders!”

“I’d like to cleanse my flesh prison, so I’m going to take a shower. I order you to stop anyone who gets in my way.”

“Your will be done, my lady.” She floated me and Skyla onto her back and started trotting off toward the house. My menagerie followed along. Oddly enough, that included Celestia.

“If you’re going to hang around, do you mind making yourself useful?” I asked, peering back at her.

“I intend to do a few magical checkups on you once you’re feeling better,” Celestia replied. “Until then, I’m happy to be of service.”

“I feel like this body will probably need energy. Can you make something edible?”

“I’d be delighted to. I’ll be sure to make your first meal something memorable!”

“First…? You know, technically speaking, you’re right. This is a brand new body, so everything will be a first. Speaking of which, what happened to my corpse?”

“I hid and magically preserved it before many ponies could see it,” Celestia said. “Witnesses were limited to those you know and the ones who murdered you, who have themselves been murdered. Now that you’ve returned, I will incinerate it.”

“That’s such a waste,” I said. “Unless it’s in the way or something, let me think about what to do with it.”

“Well… It’s your corpse, I suppose, so you’re free to do with it as you please,” Celestia replied with a shrug. “Though I never thought I would be able to say that sentence before.”

Luna finally got to the back door. It had been left open, probably from when Doppel ran out, so we let ourselves inside with no issue. Once we were in the kitchen, she stopped. “I don’t know my way around this house,” Luna said. “Where is your shower?”

“Down the hall and up to the top floor,” I said, patting her neck. “Though it’ll probably be safer for me to walk, now that we’re inside. I don’t want to smack my head against anything by accident.”

“As you desire,” she replied, using magic to float me and Skyla off her back. “Hm, she sure is holding on tight, isn’t she?”

At some point, Skyla stopped crying. Her grip wasn’t really all that tight, but she held on through a tsunami, teleportation, two bouts of levitation, and a short horseback ride. It really was kinda impressive, especially for such a young filly. I finally patted her head and gently picked her up. “Skyla, I’m back,” I said as I cuddled her.

“You… you died,” she whispered.

“I’m a tree sister. That means I have an innate connection with the land. If I die, I’ll come back. I lose some memories as payment, but it’s better than not coming back at all.”

“You died… for me…”

“You aren’t a tree sister. That means you can’t come back. So of course I’d die to protect you. There’s no need for you to feel guilt or sorrow. The correct thing to say is welcome back, preferably with a smile on your face.”

“But… Kat and Doppel were crying, too.”

“Kat’s weird and Doppel was just fulfilling her promise,” I said. “Please don’t use them as your baseline for what is or isn’t correct. Besides, neither of them are ponies. All the other ponies who showed up did so with a smile and warmly welcomed me back. You should learn from their examples.”

“That… That can’t be right, though! You were killed in front of me, Navi!”

“These things happen, Skyla. You just aren’t used to it because you’re so young. I mean, Kat has seen a ton of people die. Several of Doppel’s coworkers got executed. Every single one of Taya’s parents has died, including the adoptive one. God only knows how many people end up dead around Luna. And Celestia’s basically just a walking graveyard at this point. Death is a part of life. Specifically, the last little bit at the end. Sometimes you see it coming, sometimes you don’t. All you can do when it happens is move on. And in this particular case, moving on should be pretty easy, since I already got better.”

“Um… Isn’t death kinda a big deal, though?” Skyla asked.

“Nav’s right, even if she is relatively crude about it,” Celestia said, patting the filly on the back with a wing. “You’re taking her death hard because it’s the first time you’ve been through something like it. None of us find fault with that. And I can also assure you that if Nav didn’t have a backup plan like these seeds, the entire nation would be in mourning alongside you. But given the circumstances, Nav is right. The correct response is to smile and say welcome home. After all, how do you want to be greeted when you wake up? By someone with a smile and a kind word, or by someone frantically crying and sobbing?”

“...When you put it like that,” Skyla whispered.

“Nav is also greatly exaggerating, though,” Luna said. “Grief usually comes in stages. For the most part, my sister and I can get through such things with ease due to our age and experience. If my precious Lady Navarone were to leave me forever, however… I’d probably have to follow her to the grave.”

“I’m going to preemptively order you not to do that,” I said.

“So realistically, it depends on how close you are to the person in question when they die,” Luna continued, seemingly ignoring my reply. “As you bonded with my lady, and given that she died to protect you, it’s natural for you to grieve. But now that our lady has been returned to us, there is no need for any feeling other than joy. As she said, the natural thing is to smile. In fact, I couldn’t keep one off my face when I heard the wonderful news!”

Skyla stared up at me with her doe-like eyes for a few long seconds before a weak smile crossed her lips. “W-welcome b-back, Navi…”

“I’m home, Skyla,” I replied with a smile of my own, patting her on the head again. “Now, I’m going to take a shower. Taya’s going to help me. Doppel, can you make sure I have clothes ready when I get out?”

“I brought several sets over,” Doppel replied. “I’ll have them ready for you, my lady!” Her wings fluttered and she darted off, up the stairs.

“Kat, Luna, you’ll be in charge of keeping any new guests away from my shower. Please keep up the anti-teleport field until I get dressed, unless it starts using too much magic.”

“I can keep it up for a few hours, at least,” Luna said. “Be at ease, my lady. I will protect your shower with my life!”

“You don’t have to go that far. And Skyla, I’ll pet you when I’m dressed, so prepare your body.”

“I… uh, I will, I guess?” she replied. “What do I really need to do for that?”

“We can talk about that while I cook,” Celestia said, gently floating Skyla away from me with magic. “Everything will be ready for you soon, Navi!”

“Thanks. Come on, Taya.”

“Yes, mommy.” I wasted no more time downstairs and quickly set off before anyone could show up to try and distract me. Taya plodded along behind me.

When we got to my room, Doppel was digging through my closet. “I’ll be waiting here when you’re done, my lady,” she said. “I laid out towels and everything else you’ll need in the bathroom, as well. I’ll have something ready for you to wear by the time you’re done.”

“Thank you, Doppel,” I said. “It felt like no time at all passed to me, but… I’m glad to be back.”

“I’m filled with joy to the very bottom of my soul at your return,” Doppel said with a bright smile. “But we’re absolutely going to have a conversation later about how you left us all behind.”

“You are welcome to think that.”

“I also had plenty of time to practice with my tentacles, so I have the perfect punishment in mind!”

“...I’ll see you when we get out,” I replied, ushering Taya into the bathroom attached to the bedroom. Once the door was finally sealed and locked behind us, I sighed in relief. “Would you please put up a sound barrier?” My filly did so without a word. I spread my arms. She leapt into them, sobbing.

Once I managed to calm my filly down, we finally got in the shower. “I hate these stupid flowers,” Taya muttered as I began washing her mane.

“Yeah, they make brushing my hair basically impossible,” I said. “The upside is that they also keep my hair neatly in place, so I don’t need to brush it anyway. So, what was my death like? Were you there?”

“I wasn’t. Skyla was the only survivor and she was too shaken up to say anything, but luckily, Darya and Flo were able to tell us. Long story short, you two got separated from everyone else and attacked. You killed or fatally wounded all the attackers, but ended up killed.”

“I kinda already got that much. You said a lot happened, but it would take a certain demon we all know and hate to keep Luna away from me. Unless I actually did do something stupid like ordering her to stay away. Though I feel like in that case, she’d turn to Moonbeam, Twilight, or Celestia to save me instead.”

“Can you… ask Flo about that instead?” Taya quietly asked. “I really don’t wanna talk about it…”

“Of course. Did I seem to enjoy the pageant, or was I miserable the whole time?”

“You didn’t like the pageant itself, but you did like talking to the other contestants. You also really enjoyed fluffing the sheep contestant, whatever that even meant. She seemed okay with it, so it didn’t cause any problems.”

“Yeah, that seems like something I’d enjoy. Wasn’t she a princess, though? I may have met her back when we were living in Israel, but I kinda avoided people a lot then, so I might be wrong.”

“Apparently you shared some words in Israel, but not much. You got to know her at a spa session Fleur hosted right before the pageant started.”

“The last thing I remember is getting ready to leave for that session,” I replied. “So I’ll have to build all of those relationships again.”

“It’s not like any of them know you died. All they’re aware of is that you were gravely injured. As long as Flo can give your memories back, you shouldn’t need to start fresh.”

“Yeah, but she can’t give me anything related to the pageant. That spa session was related to the pageant, so it’s right out.”

“...Would you literally rather lose memories than experience the pageant?”

“Yes. I’m happy that I died and didn’t have to remember it.”

“That’s really hardcore, mommy. Also, kinda dumb.”

“That said, I promise that as I am right now, I wouldn’t go out looking to die just for the opportunity to forget something. I highly doubt I got myself killed on purpose just to forcefully forget. After all, Flo probably wouldn’t have allowed it.”

“Does that mean you’d be mad if I killed myself every time something happens that I want to forget?”

“There are very few situations wherein I wouldn’t be mad if you killed yourself,” I replied. “If you’re captured and are about to be tortured or are in a situation wherein rescue is impossible, I give you permission to kill yourself. In all other situations, ask me for permission first. If I’m not available, ask Flo.”

“Yes, mommy,” my filly replied. “If I ever want to kill myself, I’ll ask your permission first. So, can I kill myself so I can forget the trauma of you dying?”

“No. I know this sounds selfish, but I would really like to make sure at least one of us is alive at all times, so we have a clear and unbroken view of what’s going on. There is no one alive I can trust more than you, after all.”

“Isn’t that why we keep Flo around?”

“She isn’t alive. I want the world as viewed from the eyes of something that’s actually living. Flo will be good for helping us remember things, but there won’t be any emotions attached. I want the human element. Or I guess the tree sister element. Also, that’s not the only reason we keep her around. She’s a pretty useful secretary, xerox, and walkie-talkie. An all-around good multi-tool, to be honest.”

“I’m honored,” Flo said from the other side of the shower curtain. “I would like permission to wash your hair, Navi.”

“Granted,” Taya answered for me. “It would be kinda hard with my hooves, after all.”

Flo’s tentacles slid around the curtain and began toying with me. It didn’t really feel all that different from anyone else playing with my hair, to be honest. The water definitely felt good against the flowers, though.

“So, long story short, if I die, I want you to do your best to remain safe until I wake back up,” I said. “That way, you can fill me in on anything you thought was important. I’ll do the same should you ever die.”

“I feel like it would be better for you to just promise not to die again,” Taya said.

“Yeah, but that’s impossible. I mean, eventually something is gonna get me, even if it’s just time. Be more realistic.”

“I’m a perma-filly. Shouldn’t I try to be upbeat and happy, like Skyla?”

“Sure, if you started a few years ago. Trying it now just feels weird, like you’re forcing it for attention. Besides, if you want that, you should start by trying to get to Eva’s level. Once you get there, you might be able to aim for Skyla. Speaking of which, where are your siblings?”

“We were taking turns waiting for you here,” Taya said. “Today was my turn. We set up a few more teleport circles, so it’s easy for us to get from our house to their palace now. We can also go from our house in Canterlot to our house here.”

“I hope there’s a way to put restrictions on these things. I don’t want Shiny showing up every night to hide from his wife.”

“It’s not like it would stop the dreams,” Flo said. “Apparently he already tried distancing himself one night, but found himself right back in her loving grasp the instant he fell asleep.”

“Must be nice to be so loved,” I idly mused as I began rinsing out my filly’s hair. “I actually hadn’t really thought about that dream bridge. I’m glad it’s helping them keep their hearts connected, even while their bodies might be apart.”

“As a side note, he’s also begun requesting more and more coffee every day, usually at night,” Flo said.

“Interesting, but his habits aren’t my business. Well, unless we start charging for coffee. Oh, I could advertise that it’s drunk by royalty when I sell it to everyone else! Maybe I should make it my business…”

Taya sighed and leaned back against me. “Oh, mommy, it’s so good to have you back…”

“It’s good to be back,” I whispered, hugging her close. Her soft fur felt kinda gross since it was all wet, but I could deal with that if it meant cuddling someone important. “Though it’s kinda sad that you’re only saying that after I began talking business.”

“It wasn’t the business talk, it was all the talk about making Shiny suffer,” she replied with a calm smile. “You really are back… There aren’t any substitutes, after all!”

“I guess technically I’m not back,” I said. “More like I’m reborn, to be honest. So Celestia is correct when she says I’ll be experiencing a lot of firsts again. I guess I need to decide who to give my virginity to, now that I actually have the right to choose.”

“Couldn’t you save it until marriage?” Flo asked.

“Sorry, I’m too much of a skank. If it means that much to whoever I end up marrying, I’ll let them kill me before the wedding so my new body will be virginal. Speaking of, all my waifus should have been gathered during the pageant. Do you know if anything happened?”

“The first time you saw Moonbeam, she almost immediately dragged you away for some kind of punishment,” Taya said. “I don’t know the details, but it was almost definitely lewd and Twilight and Gilda seemed jealous. Later on, you had a private meeting with Moonie, Luna, and Celestia. Apparently she ended up being cleared of some kind of suspicion.”

“That’s good and bad. Bad because it means there’s still a lot of potential brides to choose from, but good because she’s one of my favorite choices.”

“...Is she above Twilight?” Taya asked.

“In terms of attractiveness, yes. In terms of personality, about on par. They both have troubling aspects. And they both have power, which is plenty attractive on its own.”

“Isn’t Moonie hideous, though?” Taya asked. “How is a cute pony like Twilight less attractive?”

“Moonie can turn into anyone, plus she can actually have kids. I’m not particularly interested in them at the moment, but having the option is always nice. And I’ve never really been attracted to ponies in the first place. I’ve just learned to take what I can get and find the positives where I can. One upside of Twilight is that she can turn into a human. One huge upside of Moonie is that she can turn into any human.”

“...I’ll have to start working with Twilight more,” Taya muttered.

“Anyway, how was the pageant received by the common ponies?” I asked.

“Lackluster at best, at the time,” Flo replied. “However, the noble ponies were all over it, along with the higher ranking members of the other races involved. And after your assassination, there was a huge surge in interest among the common pony. Next year’s pageant is sure to be a huge event. Fleur has already been informed that you will not be participating in any way, period. You won’t help organize, you won’t be a judge, you won’t compete, and you won’t even attend.”

“Good news all around,” I said. “Skyhold was supposed to arrive some time after the pageant began. Its arrival was also supposed to coincide with the announcement of the war against Tartarus. How did all that go?”

“It did arrive and you attended the ceremony welcoming it with Princess Celestia,” Flo replied. “The announcement about the war was pushed back, however. All of these questions and more will be answered once I return your memories, Nav. I know you’re worried, but it should be a safe and fast procedure.”

“I mean, it would be awkward to just shower silently. I figured small talk would be fine.”

“You don’t even need a shower in the first place,” Flo said. “I could clean you instantly.”

“But then I wouldn’t get to share my first shower with my filly. Besides, I just died, you know? I wanted something comforting… It’s not my fault a warm and pleasant shower feels better than your cool and chilly embrace.”

“Oh. I see how it is.”

“I’m glad.”

“Yes, I see full well.”

“Good.”

“My eyes have truly been opened!”

“Fantastic news. Are you done washing my hair?”

“Yes. Now I’m going to wash the rest of you. The warm shower water shall leave my embrace feeling much nicer!”

“Do as you must, but let me wash Taya first.”

“As you wish,” Flo replied, instantly calming down. “I shall be waiting patiently.”

“You sure have surrounded yourself with some interesting people, mommy,” Taya said.

“Don’t talk like that isn’t your problem, too. We’re stuck with these weirdos together, Taya.”

“Yeah, but they’re all obsessed with you, not me. That means it’s more your problem than mine, really.”

After a few seconds of thought, I sighed and started washing the rest of my filly. “By the way, is Ava still attached to me, or did she go out with the old body?”

“Hm, let me check…” Taya’s horn lit up for a moment and her eyes went up above me. “Yep, still there. Hey, Ava. How’s it going?” A few seconds passed, then she smirked. “Ava wants me to ask how you liked being dead.”

“I don’t really remember. For me, it was like an unbroken line. The instant I took the seed out of my body, I woke up in the tree. I have no memories of the time in between. And now that I know how it works, I’m never letting another person touch one of my seeds again. And Taya, the same goes for you. Give no seeds to anyone else for any reason, myself included.”

“I… don’t understand, but okay.”

“The instant you wake up, you’re naked and alone wherever you planted the last seed. If you gave it to someone else, they could put it anywhere, and they’d be the only one who knows where you are when you’re at your most vulnerable. Giving someone that much power over you is too dangerous.”

“I feel like you’re being paranoid.”

“Probably. However, I can’t help but shudder at the thought of one of my more obsessive lovers gaining access to one of my seeds, then lying to me when I wake up about how everyone else betrayed me. I’d have no way of knowing the truth and no way of escaping.”

“Yeah, but again, that’s more your problem than mine,” Taya said. “And Aqua cured me of the worst of my obsession before you killed her, so I feel like you could at least trust me. Sure, I definitely want to keep all your cuddles and belly rubs to myself, but I know your heart would never be in it if I did. That would make it pointless, a waste of time and effort. So there’s no reason for me to kidnap you anymore. Now that I’m your eternafilly, you’ll always have to come back to me anyway, right? And for what it’s worth, Ava also thinks you should trust some of us a little more.”

“I… will take that into consideration. Now, let me rinse you off…”

As soon as my filly was cleansed, Flo struck. She wrapped her comfortably warm body around mine and locked me in her tight embrace. Not even an hour out of my tree and I was already getting absolutely covered in bitches.

“Are you ready for the memory transfer?” Flo asked in my head. “I believe it would be better for it to happen while you’re with just your filly and I. I also believe that sooner would be better than later.”

How long will it take?

“I’ll span the memories out over a few sessions. We’ll take short breaks in between so you can catch your breath. But it should take less than half an hour, all things told, unless you would like to take longer breaks.”

Remember to skip the pageant scenes unless you have my direct permission to relay them.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Flo replied. “You really don’t have to be such a baby about this.”

I’ll decide that after I see how and why I died. Even now, it’s hard for me to believe I didn’t let it happen.

“...Beginning memory upload,” Flo replied. “I’ll be here for you when it’s over.”

“My lady, you really shouldn’t say things like that,” Kat said, looking over at me dubiously. “We need to tell the princess about this.”

“Of course. Flo, can you let Celestia know?”

“Done,” Flo replied. “She is requesting permission to take possession of the letter.”

“Allowed,” I said, taking the letter back from Kat and holding it up. It teleported away a moment later. “Just in case, here’s the envelope, too.” As soon as I touched it, Celestia spirited it away as well. “Alright, that’s that. Now, let’s get me dressed for this silly spa trip.”

“Please try to take it seriously, even if you think it’s silly,” Kat said as she walked over to the clothes she dropped to the floor. “This is important to Fleur, after all. And… Well, it’s actually important to me, too. I always dreamed of doing something like this as a kitten… Me, competing in a beauty pageant…” She followed it with a strangely cute giggle. “It seems that many of my old dreams are coming true around you, my lovely lady… So I swear to you, any assassin who wants to harm you must go through me first. I will judge their skill with my own flesh and blood. Only if they’re worthy will they gain the right to stand before you.”

“Well, to be fair, most of my fights against assassins were won through luck. I do like fighting them, but it’ll be difficult if I’m all dolled up. Hopefully, the guards will actually do something useful and capture the assassins before it even becomes a problem. But given the quality of the standard Equestrian soldier, I’m not optimistic.”

“They better not assign any standard guards to this case,” Kat replied. “A threat was made against a participant of a prestigious, government-sanctioned event involving other countries, including representatives of their ruling classes. That letter should be enough to ensure that only the most elite of the elite will be guarding us. Not that it matters, since we’ll be making sure Luna never loses sight of you. It’s essentially impossible for anything to hurt you if she’s around.”

“If you said that to me five years ago, I’d call you crazy.”

“How do you feel about this skirt and blouse, my lady?” Kat asked, holding up a pair that seemed innocuous enough to me, though the skirt was definitely on the shorter side.

“I feel like they’re clothes,” I replied with a shrug. “I wouldn’t mind wearing them, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Would it kill you to be a little more enthusiastic about this?”

“Probably not, but that doesn’t mean I should risk it. And don’t worry about underwear. We’ll all be stripping down at the spa anyway.”

“Hm… I foresee myself getting distracted on the way there… I’ll have to be sure to sit on the opposite side so I can watch…”

“They aren’t that jiggly! Not like you can talk with that utterly lewd body of yours. Now hurry up so we can get ready.”

“Of course, my lady.” Kat swiftly covered me in clothes and had me looking neat and proper. “Shall I bury the seed for you?”

“It’ll be step one of cleansing the Everfree Forest,” I said, picking up my clone seed. “I’ve already arranged for it to be dropped off while we’re gone. Once I give it to Spike, I’ll be ready to go. So, shall we?”

“...Spike, huh?” Kat muttered. “I guess you have known him longer, but…”

“So, shall we?” I asked again, slightly louder.

“Of course, my lady,” she replied with a perfectly innocent smile. “Let me get the door for you!” My utterly loyal blood servant did just that, so I graciously let myself out after making sure to grab the small bag of bits.

Fleur was waiting for us in the sun room, daintily sipping at a cup of thai tea. The instant Doppel’s eyes met mine, she began pouring another cup with a smile on her face. Spike was sitting a few seats away, staring somewhat dubiously at his own cup. Watcher and Zecora were sitting next to each other across the table. Watcher had some paperwork in front of him, but was currently watching as I approached. Zecora was using a small file to carve something into a gem. Gentle green flames lit up every time the tool touched the gem, guided by whatever spooky nonsense she was all about. Fleur was doing a very good job of looking everywhere but Zecora as I approached.

“Lady Fleur has been telling us something interesting,” Watcher said when I got close enough. “You’re going to a spa?”

“Indeed, that’s right,” I replied with a nod.

“And Darya told me you just got a letter threatening your life,” Watcher added, making Fleur choke on her tea. “Are you still planning on going, even despite that?”

“The letter said it was going to happen during the event itself, not before,” I replied, waving a hand. “Besides, Fleur went through a lot of effort to put this together. I couldn’t just bow out now and ruin it. Although I guess I could just cancel my appearance in the contest altogether as a safety measure… Oh, that’s actually a perfect—”

“Absolutely not,” Fleur shouted, slamming a hoof against the table. “I have put too much time, effort, and influence into this event to have it called off by some… murderous hooligans! There is no fool alive who can murder you before Princess Celestia herself, let alone Queen Moonbeam, Captain Blossom, your vassals, and the most elite of the soldiers in the kingdom!”

“Are we just not gonna talk about that time I fake assassinated Celestia during the Gala?” I asked. “Forgive me if I have doubts about the efficacy of Celestia’s military, let alone her own defense.”

“This will be different!” Fleur said. “After all, we’ll have you on our side, this time! Not to mention Kat’s experience with the subject, Gilda’s brilliance, and the resources of several of the most powerful nations on the planet! We’ll show those haughty assassins who they’re messing with! As you yourself said, Nav, you can’t just bow out and ruin this now.”

“You’re willing to put our lady’s life at risk for this?” Watcher asked. “You were supposed to have changed, Lady Fleur. Can you truly say that when you’re gambling with the life of another?”

“It’s your job to ensure it is not a gamble,” Fleur said. “There’s no chance this assassin would just leave the countess alone should she choose to bow out now. Isn’t it much better to have her in the most well-guarded place imaginable?”

“And how could you possibly take responsibility, should the worst happen?” Watcher asked.

“We all know death won’t be enough to stop me,” I said, holding up my seed. “If you’ll recall, I have backup plans.”

“...If you’re willing to consider that a viable alternative, there are no words to convince you otherwise,” Watcher said, finally easing back in his seat. “But please, my lady… take a guard with you to the spa, someone aside from Kat. I’m sure Zecora would be willing.”

“You just want to see how pretty she looks after getting beautified at the spa,” I said, finally handing the seed to Spike, along with the ten bits.

“Wait, you were serious about the money?” Spike asked. “I mean, I’ll definitely take it, but I thought you were joking.”

“I wouldn’t mind bringing her, though,” I said. “Assuming you wouldn’t mind guarding me, Zecora.”

“I am hardly a conventional guard, but I will see what many do not,” she replied. “I also have friends with eyes in all places, meaning I can find any who stalk us. Your shaman shall allow no harm to come to you.”

“Thank you.” I finally sat in the chair Doppel picked for me, then drained the cup before me. “It’s actually really good, Spike. Don’t let its appearance fool you.” Doppel refilled my cup, beaming all the while.

“I’m not used to drinks that smell spicy, but if you say so…” He finally took the dive and tried it. “Hm. Yeah, I see how you could like this. It’ll take some getting used to, though. I’ll go and plant your seed as soon as you leave, Nav.”

“Thanks. Make sure it’s in a place that’ll get a lot of light, if possible.”

“It’ll be the perfect spot, I promise. I just hope you’ll never need it.”

“When do you plan to make your next seed?” Watcher asked.

“It won’t be until after the pageant. Making them takes extra energy and I want to be at my best while waiting for the assassins. And as long as I have the time, I’ll probably plant it myself. That’ll also give us a chance to see how the Everfree reacts to one of our trees before we start planting more.”

“You’re planting that in the Everfree Forest?” Fleur asked.

“Just outside it, actually,” Spike replied. “There aren’t many monsters in that forest that can threaten a dragon, but even I would hesitate to go in there all by myself. Nav’s the only one crazy enough for that.”

“That’s not a nice way to describe a lady, Spike,” Doppel said. “Especially my lady.”

“I stand by it, though,” he replied, finally drinking more of his tea. “Yeah, it’s growing on me. Still, I can’t believe you served this to a princess, Doppel.”

“I served it to two of them, actually,” she replied. “Plus a half-baked prince, if you’re willing to count that mess of a stallion. And yes, our lady may be crazy, but you still shouldn’t call attention to it. Especially not in front of guests!”

“Oh yeah, I guess Fleur is a guest. My bad. Sorry, Lady Navarone is the only one daring and brave enough to walk into the Everfree by herself.”

“That’s much better,” Doppel said with a nod, before walking over to refill his cup. “You can be cultured when you try, Spike!”

“I spent most of my time with Twilight, but I am technically Celestia’s adopted son,” Spike said. “I know enough etiquette. It’s just, like, what a pain, am I right?”

“Truer words have rarely been spoken,” I replied with a smug grin.

“It sounds like this slacker has infected you,” Fleur said, looking at Spike with pity. “You remember that you’re in the presence of two noble ladies, right?”

“What’s so noble about that?” Spike asked, pointing at me. “Sure, I guess she’s technically a lady, but I mean…”

“Truer words have rarely been spoken,” I replied again, with an even smugger grin.

“Doppel, I think we need to train Nav from the ground up,” Fleur said.

“I’ve been trying, but she’s stubborn. Hopefully once I get my tentacle game down, we can teach her to behave properly.”

“Our lady is perfect the way she is,” Kat said. “She has no need for dignity or poise. She’s above such mortal concerns.”

“See, Kat gets me,” I said. “I may be immortal, but even I don’t have time to act all stuffy and boring. That makes her my current favorite.”

“Hey, what about me?” Spike demanded.

“You made me pay you for a simple favor. Kat’s cuter and she actually seems to be trying to behave. Plus, she’s siding with me while I’m getting bullied. You’re just sitting there and watching.” Kat sweetly smiled and daintily sipped her tea. “On an unrelated note, what’s Gilda’s status?”

“She’s almost finished with decontamination now,” Kat said. “She’ll be back within five minutes.”

“Zecora, is there anything you need before we leave?” I asked.

“Once I put these away, I’ll be ready to go,” Zecora said, carefully sliding her tools into a bag. “I’ll be back downstairs in just a moment.” Once everything was secured, she grabbed her bag and trotted off.

“...I didn’t really think about it until now, but should I have tried to get a zebra contestant?” Fleur asked. “Or are they close enough to ponies that they count as the same?”

“In my time, zebras were genetically similar enough to horses and ponies to be able to breed with them,” I replied. “However, their offspring was generally infertile, which meant they weren’t quite the same species, just really close. It was the same with donkeys and horses, and zebras and donkeys. I got to pet a zorse once. It was pretty cool looking. I don’t know if any of this applies to the species now, though.”

“Well, we didn’t get a donkey participant either,” Fleur said. “So I suppose not having a zebra contestant isn’t a big deal. But… does that mean zebras and donkeys should be allowed to compete for the prize of Miss Equestria?”

“I dunno, maybe? Focus on your own competition. Don’t worry about theirs.”

“Right… Of course. One thing at a time. It’s too late for any last minute changes, so I must focus on making sure everything goes smoothly. To that end, please tell me more about this threat you received.”

And so I did. That said, I had basically no information, so it didn’t take very long. “I sent the letter over to Celestia so she can begin investigating,” I said. “I’m not sure if you’ll want to change anything on your end. I’m not worried about getting hurt myself, but I don’t want anyone near me to get caught in the crossfire.”

“As I said, it’s too late for any changes. We can add more and better guards, but I don’t think there’s much else we can do. But given the audience, I don’t think there’s a chance you’ll be in any real danger.”

“It isn’t too late for me to drop out entirely,” I said with a large smile.

“You already surrendered, Nav,” Fleur said. “I won’t let you escape this. If it kills you, I’ll apologize when you wake up.”

“To be honest, if I die, it’ll probably be my own fault. That said, it’s one hundred percent your fault that I’m going to the pageant, so the blame will still be shared. Anyway, Doppel, is there any pressing business before I head to the spa?”

“Will you be eating out tonight, or will you be coming back for dinner?” she asked.

“We have a reservation for after the spa,” Fleur replied for me. “Nav, Kat, and Princess Gilda will all be joining us. Along with Zecora, of course. That is right, isn’t it? Zecora?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Doppel replied with a nod. “My lady, I know you’re immune to poison, but I still want you to let Flo or Darya check your food before you eat.”

“She’s right,” Kat said. “A lot of assassins learn to cook in order to impersonate chefs. It makes poisoning targets much easier. Unfortunately, all the recipes I know are difficult to make with the spices available, so I can never make anything for my lady… But I’ve been learning local dishes, so I should be up to speed soon!”

“Ah, if only I had someone so devoted to me,” Fleur said, looking over at Kat warmly. “Your loyalty is refreshing, Kat. You think only of serving your lady.”

“That’s not true,” Kat replied with a small smile. “My lady has been encouraging me to delve into my own interests. As it so happens, beauty pageants, cooking, and playing music are all things I happen to enjoy. Sharing them with my lady makes it all even better!”

If Kat really does manage to stop being crazy, she might actually manage to seduce me again. I’ll have to be wary. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I don’t want to fall completely back into old habits. “It’s good you’re finding happiness here, Kat,” I said. “I was worried for a while that you would find it hard to find a place for yourself in Equestria.”

“I’ll always be happy by your side, my lady!” she instantly replied.

“That’s the proper answer for my current favorite, alright,” I said with a nod. “That said, it would be better if you didn’t act like my vassal when we’re doing pageant-related things. I don’t want to give anyone the impression that you might be throwing the competition as a favor to your lady.”

“I understand, my lady,” Kat replied with a nod. “Though I hope you don’t expect me to act distant. I’m afraid just the thought of it makes my tail droop…”

“Too many of the contestants know us for that to be a useful tactic. There’s no reason to pretend like we don’t know each other. Just don’t fawn over me.”

“Doesn’t that mean you’ll need a maid at the spa to help take care of you?” Doppel asked.

“I’m afraid not,” Fleur said. “As much as I’d like to invite you, this is for contestants only. I know a few of them are also bringing a single guard, but no more than that. I didn’t want to risk maids potentially getting in the way of socializing between the contestants. If any of the ladies needs assistance, she can ask one of the other contestants. Though I would prefer if contestants who weren’t overly close worked together with others they don’t know. So to that end, it would be better for you two to help someone you don’t know as well, like the sheep or changeling contestant.”

“Hm… The sheep contestant sounds… fluffy,” I said, rubbing my hands together. “I would be very interested in helping her, I think.”

“Nav, you better not molest that princess,” Fleur said.

“I swear I won’t do anything she doesn’t explicitly approve of. But… princess, you say?”

“She’s engaged.”

“Oh, never mind. I’ll leave it at fluffing, then. It’s been a little while since I spoke to Octavia, so maybe I can pet her some, too.”

“Wouldn’t it be good to build up a better relationship with Kumani?” Fleur asked. “When we spoke about you, she sounded… awkward.”

“That relationship was a mistake, but it sure was a fun one… I’m not sure if it really can be repaired, but if it can, I won’t be the one who stands in the way of it.”

“Relationship, you say?” Princess Gilda asked, appearing from the main doorway with Zecora on her heels. “What’s this I hear, Nav?”

“I spent a few months dating a dragon named Kumani,” I replied. “She’s the dragon contestant for the pageant, by way of being the only female dragon I’m semi-sorta friendly with who isn’t also literally insane.”

“There’s apparently a princess in the roaming dragon clan, but I have no idea how to get a message to them,” Fleur said. “I asked Nav to help recruit someone for me while he was in Iceland, and apparently Kumani agreed without much prompting.”

“Any other dragon would have at least asked to be paid,” Spike said. “For beings with so much time on our claws, most of us seem to hate using any of it productively, unless there’s a direct and immediate benefit in it for us. Well… not that we really ran into many friendly dragons while we were there, anyway…” He sighed and took another sip of tea.

“Hm, if only Fizzle would have agreed…” I idly mused, making Spike spew his tea all over the table. Doppel spent a second glaring at him before hurrying off to get cleaning stuff. “Anyway, now that Gilda has joined us, shall we head off to the spa?”

“Let’s, my lady!” Kat immediately replied, hopping to her paws.

“Yes, it would hardly do to keep the others waiting,” Fleur added as she stood. Since leaving seemed to be set in stone, I finished off my tea and joined the cool kids by standing. “Oh, Princess Gilda, will you be bringing a guard?”

“I have Nav to protect me,” the princess replied. “Plus Kat, and it seems Zecora will be joining us as well. And surely this Kumani that Nav seems to be so fond of would attack anyone who assaults any of the other contestants. Besides, I have no guards I could call upon with such short notice. This event has to have been planned long enough for you to get a sizable reservation at the most famous spa in Canterlot, so why are we just now hearing about it?”

“That’s a valid question, actually,” I said. “I understand not telling me, but Gilda actually has a schedule and responsibilities.”

“...I sent the invitation to the griffin capital, actually,” Fleur said with a small blush. “I’ve been so busy recently that I never thought to ask if you received it. And I told Kat, expecting she would tell her lady as well…”

“I knew my lady wouldn’t care and would rather spend her brain power on almost anything else, so I didn’t tell her. Then I got so busy with the bunker that it slipped my mind, too…”

“Well, let’s stop playing the blame game and get going,” I said, finally walking toward the door. Kat and Fleur followed along, of course. “I have a sheep princess to fluff, after all.”

“You intend to put your hands on yet another princess?” Gilda asked with a scoff.

“Fleur is encouraging it, so I’m just trying to meet her expectations,” I replied. Doppel hurried back into the room right before I could get to the exit, carrying a bucket and some rags.

“Fleur is, hm?” Gilda said. “I suppose I’ll just have to spend some time talking to this Kumani character, then.”

That… might be awkward, but hopefully nothing will come of it.

As we all got to the exit, I heard Doppel loudly say, “So tell us all about this Fizzle while I clean, Spike!” The sound of his awkward laugh made me smile.

An instant later, I found myself in another place and another time, surrounded by a soft warmth. That’s right, I died… And now I know what Flo meant when she said the emotions wouldn’t come through. I remember the feeling of my mouth smiling, but… it’s more like I was just watching through a TV screen, not like I was actually experiencing it myself. Maybe… I should consider dying more of a problem, if this is the only way I can experience my own memories again.

“You should have never stopped seeing it as a problem in the first place,” Flo replied in my head.

“It’s a very inhuman outlook,” Darya added. “You’re pushing your suicidal desires onto other people, hoping they’ll do you the favor of putting you out of your misery. But that only pushes the guilt of killing you onto them.”

It’s not like anyone would let me do it myself. I’d be perfectly willing to keep that guilt to myself, but I’m on 24/7 surveillance.

“We all know you wouldn’t do it,” Darya said. “Because you know full well that Taya would follow right along behind you. From the perspective of something unliving, something with only simulated emotions… I don’t understand how you could treat the gift of life so poorly. Those memories you just experienced… That is how we normally live, my lady. The only way for us to experience true emotion is through our host. When I think about the warmth you’re always surrounded by, I ask myself why you’d be so quick to just throw it all away. If I had such a thing for myself, I would hold onto it as tightly as I could, never letting it escape my grasp. Yet you lament it as a curse…”

It is a curse! I had my chance at life already. I lived it fully and I should have died a normal death. But instead, my soul is shackled to a demon who has been torturing me for eons. Asking for death isn’t throwing my life away, it’s returning things to the way they should be. But anyway, we’re pretty far off topic. That was pretty short for a memory upload, Flo.

“The rest of that night was dedicated to the spa, then the restaurant, then the sleepover on your massive bed, all of which are events linked to the pageant,” Flo replied. “I thought you might like a short break before the next day began.”

Oh… Right, that. Man, and I bet that sheep was so fluffy, too… Well, I can always pet her again later. About what percentage of my time was spent on pageant-related things that week?

“Slightly less than half,” Flo replied. “Between the assassins and all the time you spent after the pageant having meetings and interviews, you were generally working on pageant-related things from around noon until the time most ponies go to bed. By skipping every single memory directly related to the pageant, you’ll be losing about three and a half days, combined. It’s not too late to change your mind, Nav. All the friends you made will be disappointed that you don’t remember any of the time you spent together.”

It was about three and a half days, combined. Sure, a lot can happen in that time, but most of it would have been spent wearing a mask. As much as I teased Fleur by acting out, I fully intended to behave myself at the pageant. Any memories they may have made were almost definitely made with one of my masks. Going forward, they’ll be dealing with the real me. Now, shall we begin the upload again?

“Raising a host sure is difficult,” Darya muttered.

“For the most part, it’s a rewarding experience,” Flo whispered back. “But she’s so stubborn sometimes… Well, let’s get back to the memories, I guess…”

“Why the basement, Taya?” I asked when the two of us appeared next to the spring under my house near Ponyville. “If we’re here to practice, the yard would save us time.”

“It’s easier to memorize enclosed spaces, and this is where I spent the most time when I wasn’t in my room,” she replied. “You know how hard it is to map out your destination properly when everything is always growing or someone might be standing in the way?”

“No, not in the slightest. Anyway, let’s head upstairs.”

“If you hadn’t seduced all those ladies, we could have just practiced in the backyard of the other house,” she said as she walked over to the door.

“That sheep was just so fluffy, Taya. I couldn’t say no. Besides, once they found out Kat and Gilda were already staying at my place, most of the rest of them wanted in as well. Then Fleur jumped on it and it became a thing. So realistically speaking, this is that sheep’s fault for tempting me with her body.”

“...Mommy, you whore. Wait, no, sorry. Mommy, you slut.”

“Thank you for correcting yourself, Taya. Words have power, so speaking properly is important. Now that we’re alone, there’s something I want to ask. Do you think we should offer to let any of our vassals or retainers become tree siblings like us?”

“I feel like your harem would grow too big if they all lived as long as we do. But some of your herd don’t age anyway, so I’m not sure if it would really matter…”

“I don’t mean my lovers, I mean the people who serve us. Like Watcher, Doppel, or Sentinel. Sure, there’s been some overlap between the two groups, but they’re still distinct.”

“Well… They all seem loyal, but some of them also really annoy you. The longer we wait to decide, the higher the chances of losing them. Speaking for myself, I would like to have Doppel around forever, for sure. I know Kat bothers you, but I like her a lot, so she’d be fine with me as well. I’d like to keep Watcher around, but I don’t think he would want that. I think he said he’d rather die a natural death as a normal pony. Flash Gourd is useful, but he’s pretty rough and not around as much. You mostly just made him a vassal because he’s the captain of the ship, right? Luna’s already immortal, so we don’t need to worry about her. Same for Spike. The rest… I dunno, it seems like a lot of power to be giving someone who isn’t completely loyal.”

“...If I think of it as protecting my belongings, does that mean I’m becoming a real noble?” I asked.

“I think it’s perfectly normal to want to own those who are most precious to you,” Taya replied. “Would you really be fine if Kat just up and left tomorrow? I know she bothers you, but…”

“Kat is going nowhere,” I said. “I own her. She isn’t allowed to leave us.”

“See there? So do you really want to risk her dying on us? The way things stand now, she’s incredibly valuable.”

“Hm. Well, at the very least, we can’t do anything until the pageant is over…”

We finally got outside, into the cool night air. The changeling guards that kept an eye on the place during the day were nowhere to be seen, not that I particularly minded. I knew Spike planted the tree somewhere in the backyard, but I couldn’t see it anywhere. That said, I could… feel it, in a way. I just intuitively knew where it was. He planted it closer to the back wall, where the house wouldn’t cast much shade on it.

“It feels weird to think that there’s going to be a town here soon,” Taya said.

“I’m looking forward to it. Things in Equestria might actually start changing soon, for the first time in almost a thousand years. We’re going to drag the world forward into the future and make a ton of money doing it, Taya.”

“That’s pretty cool beans, mommy.”

“You don’t have to imitate my slang, Taya.”

“I know,” she replied with an unusually angelic smile. “I just do it because I want to!”

“Well… Shall we get to it, then?”

“Yep!”

And so I spent most of the night playing with my filly. It seemed like it was probably a fun experience, which is a big shame since I can’t feel any of the emotions when I remembered it. Maybe I should update these journals more often so I can put the feelings to paper, but… with everybody reading them, it feels awkward. I kill them as soon as I catch them, but the bodies just keep piling up.

About an hour before dawn cracked, I remembered once again that I died. I found myself back in the shower, wondering where it all went wrong. Why did the gravy train stop this time?

“When you get back to your mansion in Canterlot, you’ll be meeting with all the contestants again for breakfast,” Flo replied. “I figured if dinner and the slumber party counted, breakfast would as well. To that end, I pulled you out for the moment. Things will pick up again after breakfast.”

Ah. Thanks, Flo. I’m sorry that Fleur’s unreasonableness forced this upon you.

“While it is true that if she didn’t twist your arm into competing in the pageant, you wouldn’t have died and actually been happy to forget things, you could still get over yourself and remember the bad times anyway. You’re ostensibly an adult, Nav. If you were able to handle the pageant once, you can survive it again.”

I may be an adult, but I’m not an adult who enjoys misery. If I can avoid remembering something I hated, isn’t that for the best? Especially if the only memories I can recover are stale and watered down. Besides, I clearly wasn’t able to handle the pageant. It killed me, after all.

“Even times of misery contain moments of glee. Your obsession with the sheep’s fluff, for example. It enraptured you.”

You’re so stubborn, Flo.

“...Continuing memory upload,” she replied.

When the last of my guests sidled out, I was left sitting at a table with Taya, Cadance, Skyla, Shining Armor, Princess Gilda, Kat, and Twiggles, who was currently rubbing herself against my side.

“...You smell like wool,” Twilight muttered as she forced her own scent on me.

“The sheep princess seduced mommy with her body,” Taya replied.

“Taya, she’s engaged,” I replied. “You shouldn’t slander a princess in that way. It’s more accurate to say that her fluff… enticed me. Anyway, the pageant starts later in the evening, but I’ll need to be on site for most of the day. Glade said the deer royalty should be arriving soon, so Taya will probably be exploring Canterlot with Bramble. I’d also like to introduce King Aspen to Doppel and Spike. I did promise I’d introduce him to a few predators, after all.”

“The king really wanted to meet more predators?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“He’s spent most of his life in his own kingdom, which almost never gets guests,” I replied. “He also rarely has a chance to experience new cultures. As far as I know, Aspen has never actually met a predator before.”

“Wait, then what are you?” Shiny asked. “Didn’t you brag about being a predator or something?

“Humans are omnivores. We eat both meat and plants. Even though I’m no longer a human and get most of my energy from the sun, I still need nutrients from plants and meat to survive.”

“I wonder if that’s actually true, though,” Twilight said. “I mean, obviously you still need to eat, but I wonder if you still need the same nutrients that your original human body did. It’s possible you could survive without meat.”

“Sure, it’s possible, but that would just be surviving. And I gotta say, surviving ain’t living, so I’d like to aim a little higher. Meat tastes good, so I don’t want to go without it.”

“Does it really taste good?” Skyla asked.

“Not to a pony,” Taya answered for me. “I’ve tried it a few times. It didn’t make me sick, but the taste and texture were both gross.”

“Luna’s the only pony I’ve seen who actually enjoyed meat,” I said. “And it took her a long time to get used to both the taste and what it did to her body. I think she mentioned something about resorting to it in desperation after she got lost breaking into a Chinese prison.”

“Plus, it’s usually hard to come by in pony society,” Twilight said. “No ponies eat it, so there’s nowhere to buy it in most towns. Canterlot is the only one I know that has a restaurant where you can order meat.”

“You can get it at the food court in the weather factory in Cloudsdale,” I said. “That was the only place I’ve ever been to that offered phoenix.”

“You can eat phoenix?” Princess Gilda asked.

“I was just as surprised when I saw it on the menu. It was delicious.”

“...Will you take me to try it before I have to go back to Gryphus?”

“Of course. And Skyla, please don’t try eating meat. Even if by some chance you enjoy it, it’s not good for your body. A little wouldn’t make Taya sick, but you’re a lot smaller.”

“I didn’t know that different races had different taste buds,” Skyla said. “I knew we ate different things, but I didn’t realize they’d actually taste different, too. What does cake taste like to you, Lady Navi?”

“Unfortunately, I’d use all the same words to describe it that you would,” I replied. “Sweet, usually. Sometimes chocolate, sometimes vanilla, sometimes red velvet, or who knows what else. The only real way to understand is to experience it yourself. You should ask your mother to turn you into a human sometime. I believe she knows how.”

“You can do that?!” Skyla shouted, her head shooting over to Cadance.

“Yes, I can,” Cadance replied with a smile. “And your Auntie Twilight knows spells for other races, like changelings and cats.”

“With Princess Gilda’s help, I perfected the griffin transformation spell recently, too,” Twilight said.

“It was quite an experience to work with someone so… methodical,” Gilda said with a blush.

“Having such an eager partner is always a delight! I can also turn you into a dragon, but that one’s a lot harder. My next project will be dogs. Nav seems to prefer those sometimes, after all…”

“They’re cuddly in a different kind of way than ponies,” I replied with a shrug. “It’s pretty cool to experience feeding on love as a changeling, too. They also have a really neat ability that lets them perceive emotions around a person as colors, and the ability to spread pheromones for communication purposes. The world is vivid in a whole new way.”

“That sounds so cool!” Skyla said. “I wanna be a changeling!” Shiny visibly flinched. Skyla didn’t notice.

“I also want to learn that spell,” Cadance said with a big smile. “I think Shiny and I can find all sorts of ways to enjoy it…” And that made Shiny start visibly shivering. Cadance didn’t care.

“I’d be happy to teach you,” Twilight said. “And is something wrong, Shiny? Are you feeling a chill?”

“I uh… No, I’m… fine. Being a human for a little while might be kinda cool, I guess… But I definitely don’t wanna be a changeling!”

“Oh, why ever not?” a comfortably familiar voice asked from the entrance. Queen Moonbeam finally arrived and made her way over to our table without hesitation. “As long as there’s plenty of love available, we’re as well-off as ponies. I always thought you liked to try new things, Shining Armor.”

Shiny sighed, downed the rest of his coffee, and stood. “You can have my seat, Queen Moonbeam. I’m going… somewhere else for a little while.” He started walking off to the door leading to the backyard, muttering something about never being able to win. Given that he was currently surrounded by women who enjoyed seeing him suffer, retreating was probably the wisest choice he could make.

“It’s good to see you—” I managed to say before Moonie shut me up with her mouth. Twilight growled, Cadance giggled, and Skyla squeaked in surprise as Moonie’s tongue forced its way into my mouth. Even if I wasn’t currently held tight by her magic, I probably could have withstood my instinctive revulsion and kissed her back. As it was, I let myself enjoy it until she finally removed her tongue.

“It’s good to see you again, Navi,” Moonbeam said, before kissing me on the cheek and releasing me from her magical grasp. “How was your nap?”

“Enlightening, for a variety of reasons. By chance, would you have time to meet with me and Celestia privately later? I might invite Luna, too.”

“But of course,” she replied, then finally pulled away from me to take Shiny’s seat between Kat and Skyla. “I take it this adorable filly is the fruit of your loins, Cadance?”

“That’s right, though I wish you had worded it literally any other way,” Cadance replied. “Skyla, this is Queen Moonbeam, the ruler of the changelings and one of Nav’s many lovers. Moonie, this is Skyla. And contrary to what Nav and Doppel might believe or insinuate, her father is definitely Shining Armor.”

“How reassuring to hear,” Moonie said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Princess Skyla.”

“Moonbeam is a really pretty name,” Skyla said. “It’s nice to meet you too! Did you know you have a snake around you, just like Lady Navi?”

“I… What?”

“Long story short, Skyla has special eyes,” I said. “She can see that we’re both monsters built by you-know-who.” That made Moonie flinch. “Hm… I wonder if he has some kind of hold over your soul. When you made a deal with him, did you offer him your body, or your soul? My bet involved my soul, or so I heard.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know,” she replied with a sad smile. “It’s entirely possible he does still have some kind of hold over me. Though if it were up to me, I’d rather have nothing to do with him. This cycle, I intend to stand on the side of life, even if it means my undoing.”

“Is the snake why you two are so close?” Skyla asked. “Or does Lady Navi just kiss a lot of people?”

“We’re close for unrelated reasons,” Moonie said. “And while she does kiss a lot of people, I’m her favorite.”

“Hm… I kinda wonder what kissing’s like,” Skyla whispered, looking over at my lips.

“You’ll find out when you’re older,” Cadance said, patting her filly on the head. “Don’t even think about it until you at least have your cutie mark.”

“And saying you’re her favorite is definitely getting ahead of yourself,” Twilight added.

“Would the favorite be based on how often she kisses that person or how much she enjoys kissing that person?” Kat asked. “If it’s how often, I might be in the running. Doppel would also be pretty high on the list.”

“So, Moonie, you just missed all the other contestants,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting the scientist who invented that train would end up as the changeling contestant. It also seems like she wasn’t expecting me to be a competitor, either.”

“Well, the last time she saw you, you were still male,” Moonie said. “Speaking of which, the prototype magitech rail line has been completed. I want you to visit one of the hives with me to see it in action soon.”

“I can do that,” I said with a nod. “It’ll be cool to see it in motion.”

“I am also interested,” Princess Gilda said. “Nav, you didn’t tell me the changelings were working on such interesting projects!”

“You know they built a really cool magical airship. Why would you assume they weren’t working on other magical things? It’s hardly fair for me to go bragging about what another nation’s scientists are getting up to.”

“Even if you’re the one who taught them all the concepts in the first place?” Gilda asked.

“Yeah. Moonie, are you accepting diplomats or visitors from other nations yet?”

“I would not be against inviting Princess Gilda, but I highly doubt she would be given permission to go. You may have ended the war between the griffins and changelings, Nav, but our nations are still hardly friends.”

“You ended a war, Lady Navi?” Skyla asked. “Eva never mentioned that in her stories!”

“It wasn’t really a hot war, so she probably didn’t consider it important,” I replied with a shrug. “And it’s an exaggeration to say that I ended it. I just helped convince King Bloodbeak that the only person winning in their war was the third party who happened to be instigating it. Thankfully, Moonie here tends to be reasonable, and things ended soon after the king came to his senses.”

“War is wasteful,” Gilda said. “Changelings may have quirks that make them undesirable as neighbors, but that doesn’t mean we should expend the effort and resources required to eradicate them. And if we aren’t going to eradicate them, we have to find a way to coexist alongside them. A good first step would be inviting a defenseless princess to visit a hive, no?”

“I don’t recommend it, Princess,” Twilight said. “Changeling hives are not for the faint of heart.”

“You’re still banned from the hives, Twilight,” Moonie said. “Though I’ll allow you to attend my wedding with Nav, of course.”

“You and Lady Navi are getting married?!” Skyla yelled.

“It’s only a matter of time before she agrees,” Moonie said with a smile towards me. “You’ll be mine soon enough, Nav. Oh, that actually reminds me! You’re due for some loving punishment, aren’t you?”

“I… might not be,” I replied, looking away.

“Yes, you definitely are,” she said, standing up from her seat. “Since you’re done with breakfast, I’ll be borrowing you for a little while.” She didn’t waste time with dragging. Her horn lit up and we both teleported onto my bed. She pounced on me instantly and the punishment began in earnest.

Thankfully, she remembered that I needed to be able to walk in the competition. Not so thankfully, it meant most of my punishment had to be deferred even longer. Given how sadistic Moonie was, that punishment was probably building up a ton of interest.

Once the evil fae queen released me from her clutches, she flew off to the castle to meet with Celestia. The instant she vanished, Doppel let herself in. “We need to get you dressed again, my lady,” she said. “It’s likely the deer royalty will be getting to town soon.”

“How did you know Moonie was gone?” I asked.

“Her pheromones. Let me untie you.” She flew over and undid the bindings Moonie left in place, then turned off all the toys for me.

“Thank you, Doppel,” I said as she worked.

“She did this for advertising purposes, you know,” Doppel said. “There’s no way you can get her marker off you. Everyone at the pageant will know what you were up to, Nav!”

“Magic can get rid of the actual scent. Changelings are the only ones that can see those pheromones and there’s no reason for me to worry about them knowing. If you’re worried, couldn’t you just overwrite them?”

“No. The queen’s pheromones will always overpower a normal changeling’s. Now, on your feet and into the bath, my lady. Make it as quick as you can, and try to focus on your hair.”

“Flo?” I said.

“Worry not,” my faithful xerox replied, dropping down from the ceiling and landing straight on top of me. When she finally oozed away from my body, all the evidence Moonie left behind in and on me was gone.

“Thank you. You’re currently my favorite elemental, Flo.”

“She’s always your favorite,” Darya replied in my head. “It’s pointless to pretend otherwise when she can see directly into your mind. There’s no need to shyly dance around it, my lady.”

“I like you too, Darya, but I’m afraid Flo is currently on top,” I said. “Is this acceptable, Doppel?”

“Quite. Now, let’s get you ready. I’m afraid, since you’ll be publicly attending such an important event, you’ll need more effort put into your appearance. I’d like to bring up the other maids. Would that be fine?”

“Cadance would hold it against us both if you didn’t invite her, too. But I’ll be changing again at the pageant itself, right?”

“Yes, but you still have to get there. There might be reporters with cameras at the entrances, waiting for the contestants to arrive. There will also be members of royalty from several nations, alongside several other high profile guests. You must look your best.”

“I knew this was coming. I won’t fight it. Do what you must.”

“Thank you, my lady. And I’m sorry. I’ll take the maids in hoof and make sure we keep it quick and painless for you.”

“I know it might be difficult for you to have faith in me, but I intend to behave during this pageant, Doppel. It’s too big for me to just play around, and my reputation isn’t the only one at stake here. I can’t promise my intentions will pan out, but I’m going into it with good faith.”

“Realistically speaking, that’s the best outcome I could have hoped for,” Doppel replied with a small smile. “I’ll be back with help soon, my lady.” She swiftly let herself back out, leaving me alone with my current favorite elemental.

I sighed and hugged her. “Flo, use your weird brain stuff to make the pageant be over already.”

“Even if I did wipe it from your memory, you’d still have to experience it the first time. Fleur would notice immediately if I was in control.”

“Then how about killing me?” I whispered. “We’re alone in here, just you and me. Kill me, leave via the back door, and if anyone asks, say you left right after Doppel did and that an assassin must have gotten me.”

“I’m absolutely not going to do that,” Flo replied, finally hugging me back. “But I will be there to support you the whole way. And do remember that behaving doesn’t necessarily mean acting feminine. You’re free to act like yourself, as long as you don’t cause trouble.”

“...Can I really act like myself without causing trouble?”

Before she could reply, someone knocked on the door and then opened it without waiting for an answer. Flo swung me around in her arms so I could see my assailants. Doppel led the way, followed by my two new maids, Celestia in disguise as a maid, Cadance, Skyla, Taya, and Poly. Varying degrees of sadism filled their smiles.

“We’re here to serve, my lady!” Doppel said once my escape route was firmly secured.

“I place myself in your hooves, Doppel,” I replied, doing my best to hide the dread in my voice.

And so the preliminary nightmare began.

Once my suffering was over, I once again found myself at a table downstairs. This time, I was sitting with three members of royalty to my left, another three sitting to my right, with Taya directly on my left and Poly directly on my right acting as buffers. At this table, my daughters were my only true allies. I made sure to pat their heads extra softly. “So you’re Princess Cadance,” Aspen said, trying his hardest to look down on her. “I am King Aspen, of Thicket. This is my wife, Queen Fyr, and my son, Prince Bramble.”

“It’s nice to meet you, King Aspen,” Cadance said with a smile. “This is my husband, Shining Armor, and our daughter, Skyla. It’s wonderful to find another ruler of a nation of prey that has yet to bend the knee to the sun. I understand that the deer city-states tend to be closed off, but I do hope we can maintain at least a modicum of diplomacy.”

“I am surprised to hear that from one considered to be Celestia’s niece,” Fyr replied.

“It’s fine, she’s cool,” I said with a nod. “She and Shiny are working with me to reform Celestia and fight against the great enemy.”

“Father, we need more and better spies in Equestria,” Bramble said. “We should know these things already.”

“...Countess Navarone, you asked before if I could have a trader visit your upcoming village,” Aspen said. “I would like to take time to discuss that in detail with you later.”

“I can make that happen,” I said. “It’ll probably be some time before we’re producing anything in which you’re interested, though.”

“If you’re interested in crystals or magical artifacts, we can also offer trade,” Shiny said. “I know deer cities are mostly self-sufficient, but I imagine there are still some luxury goods you either can’t make or can get higher quality from another race.”

“The deer happen to find knowledge of particular value,” I said. “That library of yours might be of interest.”

“Oh, the ancient library that Celestia hasn’t touched at all?” Cadance said. “Yes, it’s been extremely helpful for learning all kinds of things. Most of what I found interesting was the history contained within, but there’s also a lot of magical knowledge that has been suppressed in Equestria.”

“Yes, we would be quite interested in that,” Fyr said. “Perhaps there is value in your suggestion, Countess. It’s time we train an away team for professional espionage purposes.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Keeping an eye on your neighbor is the first step to getting along with them, after all. But if you use them to cause trouble, we’ll genocide your entire species. I hope we continue to get along in the future!”

“It shouldn’t be difficult,” Aspen said with a nod. “Working with you seems like it will be profitable, Countess. You’ve already been able to introduce us to other members of royalty.”

“You just missed Princess Gilda and Queen Moonbeam,” Cadance said. “Gilda is a griffin princess staying here at Nav’s house for the pageant. Moonbeam is the changeling queen, and was visiting before the pageant started.”

“I did promise to introduce you to more predators,” I said with a smile. “Several come to mind who would just adore spending time with you. But if you’d rather start with royalty, I can introduce you to Gilda and Moonie at the pageant. It’s possible one of Gilda’s siblings will also be here. And there’s a princess from across the sea present, from the land of the sheep.”

“And you can just casually walk up to them and introduce us?” Fyr asked.

“Yeah, it’s cool. I just met the sheep princess recently, but the griffins and changelings are both indebted to me on a racial level. I can basically do whatever I want and it’s fine. If I just tease Gilda a little or flirt with Moonie some, they’ll be putty in my hands.”

“I’m telling Moonbeam you said that,” Cadance said.

“It’s not like she’ll be able to deny it. When I came to meet you in Thicket, don’t think I did so on a whim. I have a lot of experience dealing with royalty of semi to completely hostile nations. Know that my promises come weighted in gold, and my threats come drenched in blood. Cadance would be happy to attest to this.”

“So would I,” Shiny said. “If Nav comes knocking, your time as an ordinary member of royalty is over.”

“Life just gets so much better!” Cadance added. “Nav is the first person to tell me they didn’t like me, and then give me an incredibly hurtful and detailed list of exactly why! Ever since she helped me fix myself, ruling has been so much easier.”

“Tell that to Blueblood,” Shiny muttered.

“You can’t,” Taya said. “He crossed mommy and now he’s dead.”

“Didn’t you also punch Moonie in the face after you met her?” Cadance asked.

“Yes, that is a thing that happened,” I replied. “I know coming to meet you with Fleur probably didn’t give you much of an indication, but I’m kind of a big deal in Equestria.” Bragging usually isn’t my thing, but it’s a true statement in this case.

“She’s easily more important and better to know than auxiliary members of royalty, like I used to be,” Cadance said. “Blueblood and I couldn’t do anything to help fix Equestria, but Nav showed up and started changing things like it was easy.”

“It wasn’t.”

“And now Equestria is finally opening up for the first time in a long time,” Cadance continued, presumably ignoring me. “This pageant is proof of that. The world is changing and if the deer want to be a part of it, you’ll have to change along with us.”

“It’s highly likely that we don’t want to be a part of it, as it happens,” Aspen replied. “But if the world does start changing, we’ll need to be prepared. Part of that will involve understanding the world around us. While we were aware that Navarone was important, we had no idea it was to this extent. And while it looked like there were hints of Celestia changing, we weren’t aware of how many people were involved.”

“Information is the most valuable commodity in the world,” I replied. “I generally like sharing things for free, like all the details of our little tryst that I shared with a newspaper reporter, but if you want to know the really important stuff, you’ll need to earn it.”

“Wait, with a reporter?” Aspen slowly asked, his eyes going wide.

“A professional and renowned journalist, yeah. I was doing an interview and it came up, so I made sure to cover as many details as I could. I’ve been telling a ton of people, actually. I like bragging about most of my royal conquests.”

“...Oh.” For some reason, the once-arrogant deer king suddenly sounded quite small and weak, as befitting my prey.

“So, Bramble, didn’t you want Taya to show you around Canterlot?” I asked with a warm smile. “There’s still some time before the pageant, if you want to go exploring. Flo has looked through several maps, so I’m sure she can help you guide him to all the best spots, Taya.” Make sure you lead them to the Loveboat, Flo.

“I’ve been looking forward to exploring the pony capital,” Bramble replied with a surprisingly innocent grin. “I always see it when the sun first rises every morning. It always seemed so radiant, despite housing the princess of all evil. Seeing it firsthoof will be nice, especially with such a cute filly!” Surprisingly, that made Taya blush bright red. Poly snickered at her.

“Make sure to have fun, Taya,” I said, patting her on the head.

“U-um, shouldn’t Poly come with us?” Taya asked, looking across from me to her changeling sister. “We could show Princess Skyla around, too!”

“I wouldn’t want to get in your way,” Poly said. “Have some fun on your date with the prince, sister dearest!” That made my filly’s face turn even brighter red. “I would like to show Skyla around, though.”

“In that case, I’ll go with you,” Shiny said. “King Aspen, Queen Fyr, you’re also welcome to join us.”

“I’m definitely interested in touring Canterlot,” the queen said. “Ponies fascinate me. Seeing their capital up close will be amusing.”

“I’d like to head to the location of the pageant to check on our contestant,” the king said, having mostly recovered from his shock. “It’s her first time in a pony city as well, and her first time meeting with predators. I want to make sure she’s feeling well.”

“I was planning on heading that way soon myself, so I’ll show you the way,” I said. “This is the first time an event like this has happened, so I feel it’s better for me to get there early, just in case. Cadance?”

“I’ll go with you, Nav,” she said. “I need to represent our kingdom at the pageant. Sticking with you means some easy diplomacy points. I couldn’t get the cervine kingdom near us to even reply to a message, but at your side, I got to personally meet with the royal family of one of their cities.”

“Sounds like we have a plan. I don’t have a carriage yet, so we’ll have to walk. Give me a moment to get everyone together and we can go.” I stood and started walking off to the main entry hall.

Before I could get there, I ended up back in the present, in the reality where I died. Why oh why did I have to be born, Flo? I never wanted to transcend death, not like this…

“I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for that,” she replied. “Given your obstinate desire to skip the entire pageant, your next memory will be taking place later at night. Would you like to take a break from memory lane, or continue?”

How much time has passed since we started?

“Slightly less than a minute.”

Release me for now. I don’t want to keep Taya waiting.

“As you wish.” Flo’s water pulled away from me, letting the water from the shower hit me instead. Though it seemed Taya had pushed me out of the way to take more of the hot water for herself.

“I seem to be fairly clean now,” I said. “Taya, are you ready to get out?”

“I don’t really wanna, but I guess we probably should,” she replied. “Luna’s strong, but there’s no guarantee she can fend off your harem forever.”

“It’s fairly late at night. Unless they have an elemental in them, there’s no way for them to be notified.”

“Don’t underestimate your waifus, mommy,” Taya said. “They’re crazy and powerful.”

“...Let’s get out,” I said, reaching over to turn the water off. Once it stopped pouring down, Taya’s horn lit up and water cascaded off both of us, leaving us completely dry aside from our feet. “Flo gave me some of my memories, but I’m still missing most of the week. You were just about to go walking around Canterlot with Prince Bramble when my last memory cuts off. How did it go?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Did you remember fluffing the sheep princess?”

“No. I guess I can ask Poly or Eva about your trip later, then.” I took one small step out of the shower, and one great leap for all of tree sister kind. Taya followed me out and we both walked into my old bedroom.

Doppel was waiting for us, with a set of white silk pajamas for me. “Don’t bother with appearances for tonight, my lady,” she said. “Rest in comfort. Would you like me to help you get dressed?”

“I’m good, thanks,” I said, walking over to the pajamas. I never really thought white clothes suited me that much, but they looked nice and comfy. Once I was fully clothed, I sighed and sat on the bed. “I think it’s best if I get the rest of the memories before I go downstairs. It shouldn’t take more than half an hour. Could I trouble the two of you to watch over me?”

“Anything for you, my lady,” Doppel replied, bowing.

“Only if I can cuddle with you while we wait,” Taya said, hopping up next to me. I scooped her into my arms and fell backwards onto the bed.

“Flo, would you kindly?” I whispered.

She slid over to the bed and covered my eyes with one of her hands. “Continuing memory upload, while purposefully skipping over anything pageant-related. I’ll see you on the other side, Navi.”

Chapter Two Hundred and Sixteen

Chapter Two Hundred and Sixteen

This memory placed me in the dining room in Celestia’s palace. Luna was sitting in her old spot, Celestia was in her normal spot, and I made sure there was only a single chair between them so neither could claim I was giving one more attention than the other. We just sat down and food was in the process of being set down before us.

As soon as the servants were gone, Luna quietly sighed. “My lady, is there a reason you asked me to join you here, of all places? I think we’d be much happier celebrating your glorious display at the pageant with the others at your wonderful manor instead of here in this dingy place.”

“Yes, there is,” I said. “Would half of you mind putting up a sound barrier?”

“Done,” Celestia said, beating Luna to the punch. She smiled smugly at her ex-sister, who was glaring at her with her horn still lit.

“While I was in the coma, one of the memories I witnessed was Moonbeam talking to Discord. From what they were saying, the two of them made some kind of deal after we captured her. I believe she later broke the deal, but I thought it would be better if we confirmed the details.”

“The two of us together should be strong enough to defeat her,” Celestia said. “It might cause considerable collateral damage. It’s also likely that we’ll have to kill her if it comes to violence. I see no way to contain her, not anymore.”

“I’m going to do my best to make sure it doesn’t come to that,” I said.

“Why did it have to be now, though?” Luna asked. “I know all your servants want to congratulate you, my lady. You can push troublesome busy-work like this off until later, can’t you?”

“Procrastination is unbecoming of a countess,” I replied.

“And I hardly think this counts as busy work,” Celestia added. “If Moonie betrayed us to Discord yet again, confirming it is vital. Sooner is much better than later.”

Luna grumbled a few times and angrily stabbed at her food with a fork, but didn’t bother replying properly.

“Besides, there’s no reason to celebrate Nav’s success tonight,” Celestia said. “This is Nav we’re talking about. We all knew she’d do well!”

“Watching you shine on stage was like a dream come true, my lady!” Luna said with a wide grin. “I can’t wait for your next appearance!”

“Your opinion has been noted,” I replied as I finally started to eat. Celestia, perhaps sensing a chance to bond with her ex-sister, continued talking about me with Luna while I ate. They sure seemed to enjoy discussing my traumatic experience, but I was doing my best to pay absolutely no attention.

It’s a shame that the version of me viewing the memories couldn’t taste the food, because it looked pretty good.

Once the two alicorns were finished gushing about my cuteness (which was a few minutes after I finished eating), I softly cleared my throat. “So, how do we actually get in contact with Moonie? I never had the time to ask her where she’s staying.”

“You can leave that to me,” Celestia said. “She’s here in the palace, though I think she mentioned something about planning to sleep over at your manor. I do think we should relocate before summoning her, though.”

“Yeah, it would be rude to call her to your dining room,” I said. “Is there somewhere in the palace we could possibly have a battle of epic proportions without causing too much damage?”

“Several, but only one or two that would be innocuous enough not to immediately make Moonbeam wary,” Celestia said. “If you’d care to follow me, I’ll be happy to show you the way.”

“By all means,” I said, getting to my feet. “I’ll be relieved to have this over.”

Before I could take a step toward the door, Luna stepped in front of me, boxing me in between the chair and the table. “My lady, there’s no need to trouble yourself with walking. Allow me to carry you!”

“Do you really think I’m going to agree to that?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I have no idea how you think, my lady,” Luna replied. “Let me kneel down to make it easier for you!” She did just that while looking at me expectantly.

“Luna, I’m not going to ride you outside of combat or combat training. And even then, it’ll be mostly situational. I’m definitely not about to ride an alicorn through the Canterlot royal palace.”

“If you’re going to serve someone, you must serve them properly, Luna,” Celestia said. “That means you must keep their goals in mind at all times. You should know full well that Nav would never do something like riding a pony where other ponies might see. She doesn’t want the others to know she thinks so little of us, so she wouldn’t publicly demean one of their princess-figures.”

“Exactly,” I said with a nod. “I need the ponies to think I respect them until they’re no longer in a position to be a threat to me. Then I can recuse myself from society and live on as an immortal shut-in. Riding an alicorn through the palace goes against that narrative. I have to treat you respectfully in public, Luna.”

“...Even if I want you to ride me?” she quietly asked.

“I’m afraid so. Please step aside.” Luna sighed in disappointment, but finally got out of my way.

“I understand your feelings, Luna,” Celestia said with a smile. “Nav is adept at riding. She fits so comfortably upon my back, almost like we were made to be one. Yet she treats the idea with scorn, even though I find it so fulfilling…”

“Perhaps she thinks we enjoy neglect?” Luna asked. “Or perhaps it is her who enjoys neglecting us? My lady, please know that my body constantly yearns for your touch. I would prefer not to be neglected, so feel free to touch me considerably more often, be it tummy rubs, petting, belly rubs, riding, or rubbing my stomach.”

“It’s not that I enjoy neglecting you. It’s that I think anyone who is addicted to me touching them is creepy. Ideally, the goal would be to cure your addiction. I was hoping the coma would give everyone time to get over the withdrawal, but it didn’t seem to work. Anyway, this silliness has wasted enough time.”

“You consider my deepest yearning to be nothing but silliness?” Luna whispered.

“Sorry. This creepiness has wasted enough time. Is that better?”

“It’s just as hurtful, but in a different way.”

“Please remember that pain and put it to use in a positive way,” I said. “Do your best not to sound like a stalker in the future. I understand that you’ll probably always be mentally broken, but you don’t have to trouble other people with it. Sometimes, you should just keep things to yourself.”

“I will continue practicing…” she replied, hanging her head.

“Now then. Lead the way, Celestia.”

“Right this way,” she said, finally walking out into the hall. I followed her and Luna came behind me, pouting. Someone that old really had no right to look that cute, but I guess the world has always been a pretty unfair place. “I’m glad to see you aren’t just coddling her, Nav. I know your urge to do so is likely strong, but she needs to be taught properly. Oldlestia never put forth the effort. I was hoping to have the chance, but it seems she prefers you instead.”

“The urge to cuddle her and squish her cheeks is definitely strong, but I know I can’t give in,” I replied with a sigh. “She’s so utterly adorable, but she can’t just keep getting away with using that cuteness to get out of trouble. That way just leads to her continuously getting in trouble.”

“Yes, Oldlestia allowed her to get away with far too much. I don’t ask that you necessarily be strict with her, but do help her learn right from wrong. I mean, it’s quite problematic for a vassal to trouble you so. If she ever proves to be too much to handle, I’ll be happy to take her off your hooves.”

“Luna belongs to me.” We both ignored the delighted gasp coming from behind us. “I’m not giving her back. I will return her freedom if she asks, whereupon she can choose to return to your side, but until then, she is mine.”

“I see that you’re finally adopting the mindset of a noble,” Celestia said with a warm smile.

“I think it’s the fact that my mind is becoming more and more fae,” I said. “The tree sister part of me probably wants me to own powerful people that are close to me, even if they don’t have a human-like pull. I actually said something similar about Kat recently, now that I think about it… I don’t think I really feel the same way toward Watcher or Gourd, but I’d probably kill anyone that tried to take Doppel or Spike.”

“Or maybe… you’re learning the magic of friendship?” Celestia asked.

“Ha, gay. How far is this safe room of yours, anyway?”

“I purposefully placed it close to the dining room, so not very,” she replied, finally coming to a stop in front of a familiar door. When she pushed it open, I discovered the dreaded sitting room within. “Oldlestia designed this room to be comfortable for you. And after your prank with teleporting Luna in here, she fortified the magical defenses around it so that could never happen again. Thanks to that, it’s one of the more well-defended places in the palace.”

I sighed in disappointment and let myself in first, since the room was apparently designed with me in mind. “Is there really any reason for you to have a sitting room dedicated to me anymore?” I asked as I claimed one of the couches.

“You’re in here using it, aren’t you?” Celestia replied with a smile.

“...Fair enough.” I patted my lap, prompting Luna to plop down across it, presenting her tummy to me. Since she apparently felt neglected, I had to make it up for her at least a little. Or at least, that was the excuse I told myself as I started petting her.

“I suppose that’s one way to ensure Moonie can’t harm you,” Celestia said. “Though if she really is on Discord’s side, it’s likely that she wouldn’t attack you anyway, Nav. If anything, she’d try to kidnap you and escape.”

“Why do you think I have my professional guard alicorn ready?” I asked as I pampered said ex-princess. “So, should we talk strategy, or just ask her to join us?”

“There is no need for strategy,” Luna said, her voice sounding overjoyed. “That bug ripped me from my dying mother’s womb. We need not beat around the bush with her. We need merely ask her directly if she’s working for the enemy.”

“What if she’s incapable of answering?” I asked. “There are ways out there to force someone to stay silent, aren’t there?”

“If she doesn’t give us an immediate answer, I’ll take over,” Celestia said. “There are ways to force someone into silence, but there are usually ways to get around that with clever wording, hypothetical questions, the proper use of not answering, and nodding. If she is on our side, but is somehow bound by a curse of silence, I can likely ascertain it.”

“What if he shows up?” I asked.

“I will protect you with my life, my lady,” Luna replied. Her dopey grin marred the effect a little, though. “I doubt any of us will be able to do anything, though. Is there really a need to plan for it?”

“Being reminded of the possibility is useful,” Celestia said, finally taking a couch for herself. “Preparing yourself mentally for something like that is vital. Now, before I ask Moonbeam to join us, there’s something I wanted to discuss. Skyhold will be arriving tomorrow. It’ll be visible from Canterlot around ten and it’ll dock around noon. As the one who captured the ship, you’ll need to be present for the ceremony.”

“What time should I head to the palace?” I asked.

“I’ll send a chariot to pick you up after you finish the breakfast I serve you,” she replied with a brilliant smile.

“If you’re going through the trouble of teleporting there and back, why not just take me with you?” I asked.

“As I said, Skyhold will be visible before it docks and the ceremony begins. Seeing Equestria’s greatest hero flying over the city on a royal chariot will soothe the nerves of my little ponies. You know how they tend to overreact. If they see that massive ship slowly ambling forward without any signs that we’re doing something, we might have a mass panic on our hooves.”

“Is there a reason you didn’t just warn everyone?”

“I put out a notice in all the newspapers from here to where the ship started its journey, but it’s not like there’s really a way to make everyone read them. To be honest, I wanted to make it a complete surprise, but I was able to resist.”

“Will I need to do anything for the ceremony?” I asked. “Or bring anything?”

“We’ll be displaying some of the relics you captured in the raid on the Zone of Alienation,” Celestia said. “I’ve already picked out the ones I want to show off from the items that will be sent to auction. And for the most part, you’ll be standing behind me. I’ll probably have you walk around the stage a little, but I won’t make you give any speeches or anything. Now would also be a good time to advertise your upcoming village.”

“No thank you. I’d rather keep it quiet for now. Oh, right, can you promise me there won’t be any kind of sneaky promotions or any other nonsense jammed in here? That’s a trick Oldlestia never got tired of pulling on me.”

“I’ll announce your promotion to countess and give you a specially minted medal for all your accomplishments involving the Zone of Alienation. Nothing more than that.”

“Sounds easy. Any particular thoughts as to how I should dress, or should I just let Doppel handle it?”

“Wear your armor and bring your weapons, please.”

“Happily!”

“Alas, if only that included your battle mount,” Luna whispered. Since it seemed I wasn’t spoiling her enough, I used my other hand to play with her ears, shutting her up again.

“Anything else I should know?” I asked.

“I say your armor, but I don’t mean your helmet,” Celestia said. “I think morale in the city would rise even higher if they saw your beautiful hair trailing behind your chariot as you soar through the sky. They’d liken it to my own hair, I imagine.”

“I won’t braid it or put it in a ponytail either, then,” I replied with a nod.

“There’s nothing else I can think of. As you said, it should be easy. Now, shall I call for our wayward bug queen?”

“Sure. It’ll probably take her a while to walk all the way over here anyway.” Celestia’s horn lit up. A piece of parchment and a clicky pen appeared in the air. She started writing. “It’s rude to make you just watch, Celestia. If you want a turn after Luna, let me know.” Celestia’s horn lit up brighter and the message vanished.

Before she could reply, Moonie teleported in. Her eyes quickly took in the entire room before turning toward Celestia. “I feel like I’ve been horribly misled.”

“You would be wrong, then,” Celestia replied. “If you’ll recall, the message said ‘Nav is touching Luna all over, making her moan in pleasure. I’m next. Would you like to join us?’ And if you’ll notice, Nav is definitely touching Luna all over, though she stopped moaning. And Nav just offered to let me be next.”

“Well…”

“So, are you working with Discord?” Luna casually asked. “Nav saw you talking to him in the coma and everything else she’s seen so far has been accurate.”

Moonie stared at me for a few uncomfortably long seconds. “And what do you think, Nav?” she finally asked.

“I think, some time after you got captured by Celestia, he made you a deal you either couldn’t refuse or a deal that you felt was your only choice. I’m not sure what the specifics of that deal are, though. And I also think that later on, after you were free and had a stable source of food, you realized you made a horrible mistake and wanted to renege, or you’ve perhaps already tried to. However, part of the deal was probably something along the lines of you not being able to talk about it. Enforced by magic, of course.”

“Airing out your thoughts has saved us a great deal of time,” Moonie softly replied as she finally claimed the last couch. Once she was settled in, her eyes turned to Celestia. “Ask your questions, long-lost apprentice of mine. I know you have some ready for situations like these.”

“If the answer is no, shake your head. If your answer is yes, do nothing. Did you make a deal with Discord?” Moonie didn’t move. “Was it solely out of desperation?” Again, Moonie didn’t move. “This isn’t the first deal you’ve made with him, after all. The consequences of the last one were quite disastrous, but I suppose as a result, you did technically survive.”

“That’s not a question,” Moonie replied, narrowing her eyes at Celestia.

“I suppose not. Has Discord asked you to do anything since you made the deal with him?” Moonie shook her head. “Oh? Intriguing. Have you actually attempted to renege the deal?” She didn’t move. “Hm. Did you succeed in reneging the deal?” Moonie bit her lip and looked away. “...I don’t guess he would make it easy on you. Is what he asked for something that you can refuse when the time comes?” Instead of silence or shaking her head, Moonie actually nodded. “Are you going to refuse?” Another nod. “Do you understand that this puts us in an awkward position?”

“I’m not a fool, Celestia,” Moonie replied.

Luna snorted and muttered, “Says the one who made a deal with that abomination.” Moonie’s glare felt like it might pierce straight through Luna, but she obviously had no comeback. I sighed and went extra hard on Luna’s tummy, making her softly moan and then stay silent.

“One thing to note here is that lie detecting magic only works on spoken words,” Celestia said. “It’s also entirely possible it won’t work properly on things involving that demon.”

“...Is this to be a trial, then?” Moonie asked, for some reason turning to look at me. “Am I next on the list to be brainwashed, Navarone?”

“Do you see any water elementals here?” I asked. “I didn’t want it to come to that with Celestia, but she was an imminent and deadly threat to me. But I know you won’t betray me. I believe you when you say you have no intention of helping him. The only goal I had for this meeting was to clear the air. I don’t know about Celestia, though. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t own her.”

“I wonder if there will be a time when you come to regret that,” Luna whispered.

“And your opinion, Luna?” Moonie asked, her eyes moving down to the ex-princess being pampered on my lap.

“As an ex-ruler, I feel that the fewer uncertainties we have, the better,” Luna replied, actually pushing my hand away for a moment. “The less chaos and mistrust we have among our allies, the better. Seeds of discord will come back to haunt us, guaranteed. To that end, we should cease all dealings with those we have reason to distrust. However… I have recently begun to believe that redemption is possible. Blind faith in a person is foolish, but any faith we put in you is not blind, Moonbeam. Besides, I am sworn to my lady. She has already decided, so my opinion here is meaningless. So to be honest, you’re better off asking Celestia, not me. Now, let the petting once again commence!” She released my hand, so I put it back to use.

“So my fate rests in the hooves of my old apprentice, then?” Moonie said, finally turning her eyes to the great sun goddess herself. “What say you, Celestia?”

“As a current ruler, I always have to assume any deals I make with foreign leaders are temporary,” Celestia replied. “So to be frank, I’ve been preparing for the day you betray me since I decided to release you from your cell. Discovering that you had a secret alliance was troubling, but it changes nothing until I actually see signs that you’re in the process of betraying me. My countermeasures are already in place, after all. It’s one thing to make a deal with that monster. It’s another thing entirely to actually support him when the time comes. I have confidence you’ll be standing on our side, if it ever comes down to it. So your fate is in your own hooves, Moonbeam, not mine. As long as you remain friendly, we shall remain friends.”

“...So this is what it means to be trusted,” Moonie whispered, her eyes closing. “It’s been so long that… I had forgotten. I will not betray it.” Her eyes opened again and focused on me with a burning intensity. “I will not betray you, my dear Navarone.”

“I’m looking forward to our continued relationship,” I replied with a smile. “And I hope seeing Luna like this has made you jealous.”

“I would like several hours of you all to myself, Nav,” Moonie replied, her eyes only a little bloodshot. “It’s been too long since we had time alone together…”

“I’m trying to cut back, but… Well, I suppose I have no choice but to reward your good behavior. So do ravish me properly, won’t you?”

“But remember that she still has to compete tomorrow,” Celestia said. “So make sure she doesn’t limp too much.”

“The elementals can heal damage like that, so it’s fine,” Luna replied, pushing my hand back with a small frown. “Moonie can be as rough as she wants with my lady, who only put her hands on me to make another mare jealous.”

“That’s not the only reason,” I replied. “It’s just a good secondary benefit, like killing two birds with one stone. Now then, I vote we adjourn the meeting.”

“Seconded,” Moonie added.

“It seems like a wasted opportunity, though,” Celestia said. “Sure, it’s been a while since you had any real alone time with Nav, but it’s also been a while since we got to share her between us.”

“Nope, tonight, she’s all mine!” Without any other warning, Moonie’s horn lit up and the two of us teleported out. I fell back onto a bed in a room I didn’t recognize right as she pounced on top of me, signaling the beginning of a very fun and lewd night.

And since it wasn’t my bed, we didn’t have to worry about how… messy we got. Though knowing Moonie, she didn’t care either way.

Once she was done toying with my body, we teleported into my bed in my manor in Canterlot. Luckily, it was currently uninhabited. Moonie finally untied me and pulled me close to cuddle.

“I hope I wasn’t too rough with you, Navi,” she whispered, nuzzling me softly. “I was just so excited that…” She followed that up with quite the adorable giggle.

“It was just fine,” I replied, leaning in to kiss her. I had planned for it to be a short kiss, but she pulled me closer and wouldn’t let me escape.

Finally, she let me come up for air. “Don’t think you can just get away with stealing my lips,” she whispered with a smile. “Anyone who attempts to steal from a queen had best be wary of the consequences, you know…”

“Most of your punishments are fun, so that’s fine by me.”

“Ah, Nav…” She sighed and pulled me closer, pressing one of her cheeks against one of mine. “Thank you for defending me, from the bottom of my heart… I’m afraid it may have sealed my fate, though.”

“I can’t promise to do much, but we’ll defend you from him to the best of our abilities.”

“That isn’t what I mean,” she replied with another short chuckle, before pulling back to stare at me with her bright green eyes. “It seems I’ve finally gone and fallen in love with you, Navarone. Hopelessly and truly, it seems… What a wonderful feeling I had forgotten. I knew choosing to stay by your side would pay off.”

“You’ve… been asking to marry me for a while.”

“Because you were valuable and because I enjoyed spending time with you. I thought any feeling of love would have left me by now, and yet… If you think the punishment for stealing my lips was fun, I do hope you’ll look forward to the punishment for stealing my heart! It’ll take some time to prepare, though.” Before I could reply, she leaned forward to kiss me again. Without pulling back, her horn lit up and she teleported away.

I’m not really sure how long I ended up laying in bed, too dazed and surprised to even think about rising.

I suddenly blinked and came back to the present. Moonbeam… confessed her love to me. And I don’t even know how it made me feel at the time. What kind of betrayal is that? I hope past-me communicated my feelings to her properly. Right now, my heart is beating in my chest and I’d be surprised if I wasn’t blushing. How can a bug-like abomination possibly be so adorable and lovable?

“Are you back with us, mommy?” Taya asked from right in front of my face.

I blinked a few more times before she came into focus. “For the moment,” I said. “That was quite the doozy of a memory. Wait, Taya… what are you doing?”

“Do you know how many mares are probably coming to see you right now?” she asked as she squirmed against me. “I have to make sure they all smell me first.”

“Oh, just checking.”

“So what did you remember?”

“A very important meeting with Moonbeam, Celestia, and Luna. Moonie dropped quite the heavy and cute statement on me before retreating. It was right before some unimportant ceremony that Celestia was hosting and I had to attend.”

“Is that the morning you were absolutely drenched in her pheromones, even more so than usual?” Doppel asked, sounding a little peeved for some reason. “The morning of that extremely important and monumental occasion?”

“Yeah, probably. While I am glad I don’t have to remember the hellish pageant, I’m starting to regret having died.”

“Good!” Taya immediately replied. She finally crawled over me and started rubbing herself against my back.

“Flo, carry on, please.”

“As you wish,” Flo replied.

When my memories picked back up, the sun had just risen in my room. I had finally gotten out of bed and was now sitting at my desk, poking through the laptop. Before I could really focus, someone knocked and I closed the thing. “Come in.”

Doppel walked in and immediately sighed when she saw me. “Again, my lady?”

“She was very pent up,” I replied, shrugging. “So, I have a ceremony to attend after breakfast. It should be quick and easy.”

“That’s awfully short notice, my lady. And even if she is pent up, it isn’t your responsibility to help her with it!”

“I know it’s short notice, but that’s Celestia for you. I did know it was coming up, but I wasn’t sure exactly when. It’s nothing major, anyway.”

“I will be the judge of that. What’s the ceremony for?”

“The arrival of Skyhold, the ship we captured at the Zone. Celestia will also be announcing my promotion to countess and handing me some kind of medal. It should be quick and easy, so I’ll hopefully be back shortly after the ship arrives.”

“My lady… This is a momentous occasion! Everyone needs to spend the morning getting ready! I’ll be back to dress you as soon as I inform the other maids!” I tried to stop her, but she was out the door before I could even open my mouth.

“Is this really that important?” I asked.

“Definitely,” Flo replied, finally sliding out of the floor next to me. “This promotion will lead to great changes in the lives of all of your followers. And the success of the raid on the Zone of Alienation was thanks to you as well, so they all want to be there to see you lauded for it. Of course, the arrival of Skyhold also means explaining to everyone your intentions for the ship. Your plans for the war might not be mentioned, but learning that your ship will become a city of craftsmen who travel the world, learning new techniques and selling wonderful products, will be enough to shock everyone. To your supporters, this is one great leap forward towards your promised golden age.”

“Huh. Well, to each their own, I guess.” Since apparently this was going to become a thing, I went ahead and put the laptop away. “Would you mind bathing me?”

“Happily,” Flo said, sliding over me and cleansing my body.

Taya walked in right as I made it to one of my closets. “...I waited all night for you, mommy,” she said, sounding slightly accusatory.

“I asked Flo to relay you a message,” I replied. “I was a little tied up last night.”

“Literally, yes, I know,” she said. “Was she so needy that it took all night?”

“After, I needed time to recover. Being able to spend nights together is nice, but we won’t be able to spend every night together. Immortality means you’ll need hobbies, Taya. Now might be a good time to start thinking about that. You tried gardening and didn’t seem to enjoy that. You also don’t enjoy running. You do seem to enjoy using magic to craft things, if I remember right. You should try learning more about magic smithing from Jak and Luna. I actually hadn’t really thought about this in a while, but let me pull it out for you.” I walked back over to my desk and started rummaging around.

“If you don’t want to spend time with me, you can just say it,” Taya muttered.

“Luna made this for me not too long ago,” I said, holding up a very fancy emerald necklace. “I was intending on wearing it later on in the pageant, since it’s magically enchanted. If you could learn to make things like this, you could create things that help keep me safe even when we aren’t together.”

“You literally just said you hadn’t even thought about that thing in a while,” Taya replied. “Luna already made you something that can keep you safe, but you didn’t even remember it existed!”

“I mean, look at it. As if I’d ever wear something so gaudy, not to mention heavy. Surely you could make something better suited for me.”

“The gaudiness and the heaviness are both necessary for any enchantment powerful enough to protect you against something you couldn’t defend against yourself,” Taya said. “Anything I made that would be capable of protecting you would be similar.”

“If you don’t want to learn magic crafting, you can just say it. I do think it would be a good idea for you to pick up another hobby, but I won’t force you. I am going to hug you, though, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“That’s definitely not true,” she replied as I approached. “I could very easily stop you.”

“Prove it, then.”

“But I want you to hug me. Why would I stop you?”

“Sounds like you’re bluffing about being able to stop me.” With that, I snatched her up. “I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this, Taya.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t,” she replied as she finally hugged me back. “But I’m having fun, so it’s okay.”

“Good. There’s some kind of minor and unimportant ceremony that Celestia’s making me attend a little later, after breakfast, so I might not be able to walk you to class.”

“It’s okay, mommy. I understand that your own filly isn’t important enough to spend time with. By all means, keep giving your attention away to other, less important mares.”

“I knew you’d understand. Thank you for being the best filly ever, Taya.”

“...Even better than Skyla?”

You can’t beat perfection, silly! “Taya, jealousy is unbecoming of you. I love you more and that’s all that should matter.”

Doppel finally landed right outside the door and sprinted back in. “My lady, we have to get you ready!”

“We still have a while to go before the event,” I said. “Flo just cleaned me, so I figured I’d put on something light, then change right before going.”

“...My lady, you do realize how long it takes to properly prepare a dress for something like this, do you not?” Doppel asked, her tone low and somewhat threatening.

“No, but that’s not important. I’m going in my armor.”

“As if we’d ever let you attend such an important event wearing something so boorish. The others should be here soon, so let’s start picking out the colors for your outfit.”

“That came from Celestia, actually,” I smugly replied. “She told me to come in my armor.”

“My lady, you mustn’t lie. It’s spring and you’re the lady of nature, so probably some shade of green? Something to match your eyes and hair, hm…?”

“Why would you immediately assume I’m lying?” I asked, finally shifting a little so I was using Taya to shield me from my maid.

“...Huh? What do you… Well, obviously because you’re Nav, right?”

“That’s definitely not the kind of thing I want to hear from my head of household, my longest serving staff, and my ever-so-loyal maid.”

“If that’s not the sort of thing you’d like to hear, perhaps you should put more thought into your reputation. Not lying and accepting your dress like a good little lady would help with that. I know you hate the idea and I certainly don’t like forcing it on you, but this is for your own good.”

“...The sky is green,” I replied. Taya’s horn lit up. “That was on the whole time, you know.” Her horn went dark again. “If I had been lying, you would have known. I’ve been ordered to wear armor for this event.”

“To be fair, Doppel does have a point,” Taya said. “I mean, how many times did you lie to my face? You have changed, sure, but it’s not like you’ve become more trustworthy. Just less untrustworthy, I guess.”

“...I think I’d like to go back to bed for another hour or two,” I whispered, staring longingly at the only safe haven left to me.

Before my daughter or favorite maid could reply, one of the new maids sprinted into the room. “Can I finally dress up our lady?!” Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, and pointed directly at me. The wide, toothy smile on her face reminded me a little of Pinkie’s. It might be late to learn this lesson, but perhaps I should reconsider my hiring policy when it comes to people who clearly have screws loose. Any pony who rants about the fun police is clearly more fae than average, which means she’d be even more affected by my human pull. “Ever since I first saw you, I knew you’d make the perfect dress-up doll… I’m glad you’re finally relying on me more, my lady!”

“Forgive my sister’s impertinence, my lady,” the other new maid said, letting herself in. “She’s loony, but competent. If you must punish her, please leave it at cutting out her tongue.”

“Wait, not my tongue!” the crazy one shouted, spinning to stare at her sister in horror. “I use that for all kinds of things, like tasting, talking, and singing! I don’t know what I’d do without it…”

“Then perhaps you should think before you speak, dearest sister. Calling our lady a dress-up doll is a bit much, don’t you think? Sure, her smooth skin, lovely hair, and perfect figure make her the ideal toy, but saying it out loud in front of her is unacceptable.”

“But that’s still not enough to take out my tongue, is it?!” Her head whipped back toward me, though now she looked terrified instead of excited. “My lady, please, anything but my tongue! I… I know you f-favor beautiful mares, s-so… Please, use my tongue for that, instead of taking it as a trophy!”

“As the head maid, it is my responsibility to protect my underlings from our lady’s untoward advances,” Doppel said. “My lady, if you must take your anger out, do so on my body.”

“No fair! You always get to share our lady’s bed!” the crazy mare shouted. “I want a turn, too!”

“What did I even walk in to?” Aurora asked as he stepped inside. Finally, all of my maids were congregated together.

“A misunderstanding from start to finish,” I replied. “First, Celestia ordered me to wear armor for this minor and unimportant event, so there was no need to gather everyone anyway.” All three of the newer maids gasped in horror. The crazy one even looked like she was about to burst into tears. “Second, I’m used to ponies saying all kinds of weird, random, crazy, or disrespectful things to me, so you don’t need to worry about offending me. You can’t help that you’re fae, after all, or that the mania runs more strongly in your veins than in your sister’s. Third, punishing someone by cutting out their tongue is a little too extreme for me. I’d probably leave it to Doppel to punish you, to be honest. And last, while I do favor females, Doppel made me promise not to go after any of the other maids. And outside of that, I learned fairly early on to be very careful when it comes to making advances toward both lower-ranking coworkers and the people I have employed. I don’t ever want to seem like I’m using my power to force someone to do something, so I’ll have you know that everything I do with and to Doppel is consensual.”

“So does that mean it’s okay if we consent?” the crazy sister asked.

“I feel like we’re talking in circles here, so let’s get back to the important point: False alarm. I don’t need to dress up all fancy-like today.”

“Perhaps the princess made a mistake?” Aurora asked. “Wouldn’t it be better to be wearing a perfect dress instead of your boorish armor? We can’t let all the work you’ve put into building a lady-like image at the pageant go to waste!”

“The princess doesn’t make mistakes, so our lady probably just misheard her,” the less crazy sister said. “Or maybe she purposefully misunderstood? Regardless, I’ve once heard that it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission, so erring on the side of caution, we really should make sure she’s dressed like a proper lady.”

“Pink and frilly, lace and bows, stockings and garters!” the crazy one sang as she skipped towards my closets. “Oh, my lovely lady, how I’ve longed for this day… You’ll never regret entrusting your body to me, I guarantee it!”

“While I don’t hold the fact that you’re fae against you, I still need you to try reining in your desires a little,” I said. “If it really means that much to you, and assuming you have the time, you can join the team in charge of my outfits at the pageant. And of course, the four of you will be in charge of dressing me from start to finish for any other event that doesn’t require my armor.”

“What’s a fae, my lady?” Aurora asked. “You said the ponies are, but it sounded like you just included me, too.”

“Fae refers to creatures of magic. They’re usually characterized by having strong emotions that can change on a dime, obsessive behaviors that lead them to focus on tasks until they’re masters at them, obsessive traits that usually lead to them wanting to own or dominate the object of their affections, and they all feel drawn toward humans. Technically, you’re all part fae, part animal. Your sapience comes from the fae half, but you’re also still ruled by your animal instincts.”

“That… all checks out, actually,” the less crazy sister said. The crazy one was too busy digging through my closet and sniffing my clothes. “Wait, drawn to humans? What exactly does that mean?”

“The short version is that something about humans pulls fae to us like magnets. Usually, it leads to something like that,” I said, pointing at the sister in my closet. “Luckily for me, she probably hasn’t been trained in combat magic. It’s pretty difficult for me to resist those who have.”

“So before, when you said you were used to ponies saying things to you…”

“Man, my time here in Equestria has been a trip and a half, let me tell you. Anyway, I’m tired of being naked and I kinda want to eat, so help me find something light and easy to put on.”

The crazy one galloped right over, three different outfits held in her magical grasp. All three actually fit what I had in mind, so I picked the middle one and let her help me put it on. I ignored the hooves that poked and prodded me a little more than necessary. Though given that she had magic, it probably wasn’t necessary for her to touch me at all.

“Thank you,” I said when she was finally done. “Please let go of me now.”

“Yes, my lady!” After waiting a few more seconds, she finally released me and backed away. Man, she went south really fast. The pull must still be in effect, then.

“Now then, shall we head downstairs? I’d like to take a walk around the garden.” The sun would help clear my head. I didn’t wait for any objections, and walked past everyone to the door. As I slowly trudged down the stairs, the lowly winged commoners flew down in a flash. They were both nowhere to be seen by the time I got to the ground floor. The other two maids went off to do their thing while Taya and I continued out to the back yard.

“So, that might be a record,” Taya said when we were finally alone. “It’s been, what, a week and she’s already all over you? Way to go, mommy.”

“She was already crazy anyway. So, will you tell me more about your time with Bramble yesterday? I promise to keep the teasing to a minimum.”

My filly blushed and refused to meet my gaze. “I… I’m s-sorry for… recommending the Loveboat to you and Twilight, m-mommy… She told Cadance, who mentioned it to Eva, who blabbed to Bramble about it…”

“Did they know he was a prince?”

“...And took several pictures of the two of us. They… they mentioned something about ads? Mommy, what’s an ad?”

“Oh, an advertisement. Like a recommendation you see in the newspapers. They’ll probably send those photos to some news company to show off to everyone that they had a prince as a customer, which will draw more customers.”

“...Oh.”

“Now we’ll both be in the papers! We finally match in something else. Isn’t that great, honey?”

“Um… Yeah, r-right…”

“Judging by your tone, it doesn’t sound like he successfully wooed you. Did you not have fun?”

“W-well… I want a strong stallion who can go hoof-to-hoof with me in combat, not some wimpy deer prince who looks, sounds, and talks like a filly.”

Oh, so I finally learn some of my filly’s preferences. “In that case, I can see why he wouldn’t check any of your boxes. And since you’re not depraved like me, toying with him probably isn’t any fun. Well, you gave it a chance, and that’s all I asked. If he tries to bother you again, I’ll run some interference. I can’t guarantee to keep him away, but hopefully he’ll bother you less. Though ideally, you could tell him that you just want to be friends so you can go back to talking magic with him.”

“...At this point, I think I could take it or leave it. The deer are honest to a fault and hard to get along with. Like, didn’t the prince talk about sending traders as spies to our town right in front of us?”

“Well, I’ll try to stay out of your social life, unless I see you getting close to dangerous people. Or rather, dangerous people outside of the ones that live here. All I ask is that you be courteous and polite to people in positions of power, which includes a prince. You don’t have to be friends with him, though.”

“So if they aren’t in power, I don’t have to be courteous and polite?”

“I’d rather you never be mean and nasty, but there’s no reason to be nice to somebody who has no interest in being nice to you, assuming there’s nothing they can do for you. A prince can do quite a lot for us, so it’s important to be polite. A waitress at a restaurant can’t do much for you, so if she picks a fight, there’s no reason to continue being nice.”

“So I should give preferential treatment to people depending on their status?”

“Obviously. That’s literally the point of the social classes in general and nobility in particular. I heard there are some nobles out there that won’t even talk to commoners.”

“Sounds scummy, but okay. So what’s this ceremony that you mentioned earlier? Doppel and the other maids seemed to think it was important, but you’re treating it like nothing.”

“I mean, this is Celestia we’re talking about. Of course this ceremony is nothing.”

“Ahem.” A very cute and feminine throat clearing interrupted my private talk with my filly. When I looked back, I saw Celestia in her maid disguise. She was wearing a very tight smile, yet her eyes seemed devoid of warmth. “Good morning, my lady. That’s not a very nice way to describe a ceremony that her highness is preparing especially for you. A ceremony that, might I add, was specifically designed to highlight my lady’s achievements. It’ll be attended by many of the most powerful ponies in the city. Can an event like that really be quantified as nothing?”

“Yeah.”

“I see.” Celestia’s gaze turned outright frigid, for some reason. She was still smiling, though, so it was probably fine.

“Mommy, I don’t think you were supposed to say yes,” Taya whispered.

“Hm…” The maid in front of me put a hoof to her chin as she pondered something. “I imagine Princess Celestia thought you would want to approach such an important and momentous occasion while feeling comfortable in your steel armor rather than uncomfortable in a dainty dress. But if you consider this event so unimportant and pointless, there’s no need for the armor, is there? I’m sure her highness would be fine with any dress that Doppel picks out for you, my lady!”

“And ruin such a momentous, important occasion?” I asked. “Princess Celestia herself told me to come in my armor. I would be a fool to disobey. A traitor, even. I would never destroy the gravitas of this event after she put in so much time and effort to make it happen. And I would never betray her trust in me by so flagrantly violating her one request of me. She asked that I come in my armor and bring my weapons so that the people of Canterlot would see me as the hero the princess is building me up to be. Wearing a dress might damage that image and make the ponies worry even more about the giant ship that’s floating toward us, even now. So while it is possible that the princess would be happy with a dress that Doppel picked, I would never let her, or the ponies of Canterlot, down.”

“Impressive, mommy,” Taya said with a proud nod, her horn lit up almost as bright as the sun at the torrent of lies that just flew out of my mouth. “I don’t know how you kept a straight face through all of that, even while my horn lit up brighter with every single word. And right to her face! I have to learn from your example! I’m so happy you adopted me, mommy. I never thought I’d see such wonders when I was still just living in a gutter…”

Taya picked the perfect time to pull out her emo backstory, as it forced my maid to back down. “...At least you can talk the talk, my lady,” Celestia-in-disguise said, shaking her head in disappointment. “I’m going to go prepare breakfast.”

“Thank you, Crystal,” I said, reaching over to boop her. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Then I won’t disappoint you, just as you’d never disappoint her highness.” Crystal Drop finally left us, heading into the house.

“It sounds kinda like this event thing might be important after all,” Taya said. “What’s it about, again?”

“A promotion ceremony, announcing that I’m now a countess. It’ll also celebrate our victory over the Zone of Alienation. Skyhold will be revealed at the same time. Nothing major, right?”

“I mean, I’m hardly an expert, but… Isn’t it really rare for nobles to get promoted? That seems kinda important, right?”

“I mean, it’s just a pony rank. It can’t be that big. I am looking forward to the reveal of Skyhold, though. Still, even with that, it’s just another public ceremony.”

“Huh. Then I guess I won’t skip class for it.”

“That’s probably for the best. No reason to have an absence on your record. Now, I’ve had my fill of sunlight. Shall we head back inside?”

“Yep!”

When we got into the sun room, we discovered that Cadance was now awake. She was sitting at one of the tables, gently blowing on a cup of coffee. A few of the others were also up and about, but nobody I needed to speak to.

“Were you bullying Celestia again?” Cadance asked as we walked over to her table. “She seemed somewhat irate when she came in.”

“She was smiling when she left,” I replied with a shrug. “Maybe work’s getting to her.”

“Mommy, how can you say that with a straight face?” Taya asked.

“So what happened?” Cadance asked, turning her gaze to my filly.

“Mommy told Celestia that the super important event planned for today is nothing to her. It’s to announce her promotion to countess and explain what happened at the Zone.”

“Nav, why are you like this?” Cadance asked, her eyes moving back to mine.

“Taya had the lie detector spell on. Celestia would have known what I really thought no matter how I answered. It’s Celestia’s fault for asking the question in the first place, really. Now that that unimportant business is out of the way—”

“It’s not, actually,” Cadance replied. “That event actually does sound really important. When is it?”

“Some time around noon, I think. She’s going to summon me when it’s time for me to get ready. Anyway—”

“Wait, noon today?!”

“Yeah.”

“Nav, you have to tell ponies these things!” she shouted, slapping a hoof on the table.

“I was just told about it last night. I still don’t see what the big deal is. Anyway—”

“We’ll all be there, of course,” Cadance said, cutting me off yet again. “I’m sure Skyla will love another chance to see you shine on the stage in a pretty dress!”

“I’ll be wearing my armor, actually.”

“You know Doppel will never accept that. Just give in and let me help pick your outfit! I’ll make it painless, I promise…”

“That was an order from Celestia. I’m wearing my armor. Anyway—”

“I’m not letting you change the subject!”

“Moonie confessed her love for me last night. I kinda wanted advice. But if you’d rather talk about some unimportant ceremony…”

Cadance stared at me in silence for a few long seconds before sighing. “You’re good at this…”

“I’ve been dealing with fae for years now. I know how to shut you up when it counts. So, what’s it gonna be? Keep talking about pointless nonsense, or let your fae-like obsession take over?”

“Grr… I hate that you’re right! And the worst part is, I bet you actually do want advice, instead of just trying to change the subject!”

“So?” I asked, finally sitting down. Taya claimed the spot next to me.

“Well… Tell me how it happened! Gimme the juicy deats, Navi!”

“I met with Celestia, Luna, and Moonie last night, after the pageant. We had a few concerns about Moonie and we wanted to clear the air. In the ensuing conversation, I defended her and expressed my faith in her. After the meeting, she ravished me. When she was finished, she confessed, explaining that my defense finally broke her. She has been asking to marry me for a while, but this is the first time she ever told me that she loved me. I think it’s likely that not having a soul means my emotions are stunted, and yet… I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything quite like I did in that moment.”

“Yeah, I can understand being horrified beyond all reason,” Cadance replied with a nod. “Do you want me to ask her to leave you alone, or can you tell her yourself?”

“Huh?”

“You want advice on how to turn her down, right?” Cadance asked, tilting her head.

“...It seems like nobody else wants me to be involved with her, but honestly, she’s my top pick right now.”

“Wow.” Cadance finally took a long sip of her coffee. Her eyes appeared just a little more manic when she set the cup down. “I mean… really?”

“She ticks off so many of my boxes. A super hot evil fae queen who can turn into anything I want. Cute personality, diligent, caring, but she only ever shows that side to me. Plus, she has the tragic backstory to end all tragic backstories. The few remaining male parts of me just want to hold her close and try to protect her. When she confessed, I was shocked and a little scared, but… I think it made me happy.”

Cadance’s eyes moved over to my filly, who had claimed the seat next to mine. “What are your thoughts, Taya?”

“I’d prefer Twilight, but Moonie is my second pick. I’m cool with it. Obviously, mommy is the only one I’ll ever call mommy, but Moonie sounds kinda similar anyway.”

“...If you’re asking, I will say that I think you and Moonie would make a good match, Nav. As to whether or not I could ever condone such a pair… I had someone else as your OTP, to be honest. I guess I could allow it, but it would mess with a lot of my plans.”

“My current plan is to hold off any permanent decisions until I find out if my gender can be corrected and until I can get a soul, but is that unfair?” I asked. “I don’t want to make anyone wait for me.”

“Moonbeam has never been married before, to my knowledge,” Cadance said. “And a few years means little for someone that old. Just remember that all the arguments you used to refuse to marry Celestia also apply to Moonie. Things like age, instability, and the general weight of time. And while it might not be unfair to those who are immortal, those who are not might find themselves looking elsewhere should you take too long. There might not be many flies buzzing about Twilight at the moment, but she’s probably one of the most eligible bachelorettes in the kingdom. And Fleur may have a bad past, but this work of hers on the pageant is going to get positive attention.”

“Well… Even if they do move on, I don’t think it would be fair to commit to anyone with my situation in flux. After all, I don’t ever want to wear a wedding dress.”

“That’s your reason?” Cadance asked.

“I mean, it’s not the only reason. If I do end up picking Moonie… Well, a few of my followers might not be happy.”

“It won’t just be your followers, you know,” Cadance said. “For the longest of times, Queen Chrysalis was spoken of in tales told to pony and griffin children to make them behave. They say that negative emotions attract changelings, so foals that misbehave might get kidnapped and fed on by the queen herself. Thanks to your actions, she’s no longer public enemy number one. But that doesn’t mean her sins have been forgotten by the Equestrians and the griffins. It’ll take a few hundred years for that to happen. Stealing the heart of the great Equestrian hero probably won’t do her any favors either, especially since a lot of ponies seem to think it’s only a matter of time before you and Celestia tie the knot.”

“Until the two of us can agree on what is and isn’t important, I’m not sure we’ll be able to get married,” I replied.

“Do you think that you and Moonie happen to agree on what is and isn’t important?” Cadance asked.

“I mean, I’m a pretty big hero to the changelings, but I’ve never been involved in any silly ceremonies in their kingdom. Every time she’s asked me to appear in public, it’s been for a legitimate reason that served everyone’s interest.”

“I mean, so is this, right?” Cadance asked. “I saw the size of that airship, Nav. If you really will be able to see it soon, ponies in Canterlot are going to be worried. Plus, everyone needs to know that your rank will be increasing, because that’s actually a really big thing. Most nobles in Equestria are just standard lords or ladies. Basically, hereditary nobles without many accomplishments or responsibilities. Some have fiefs, but most are just layabouts. Barons, Counts, Dukes… Those are rare and powerful. You might not consider it important, but to the ponies and to Celestia, this is probably the biggest event of the year, eclipsing even the pageant.”

“Sorry, it’s just having a hard time clicking with me. I literally found out about this around twelve hours ago. And I’ll just be standing around the whole time, you know? Any event you can prepare for in less than a day and doesn’t require active participation can’t be all that vital, right?”

“Now you’re just being obtuse. Can you at least acknowledge that this event is important to the ponies, even if you find it trivial?”

“Yeah, of course,” I immediately replied. Cadance finally smiled. “They’re just wrong.” Her smile instantly disappeared. “Anyway, I changed the subject for a reason, you know. Right after she confessed, she teleported away, not even letting me say anything. It was honestly really cute. But I’m at a loss as to what I should say the next time I see her.”

“...You know, Nav, even I have some trepidations about giving you advice for dating Chrysalis,” Cadance quietly replied. “She kidnapped us, if you’ll recall, and tried to steal my husband.”

“I think I remember you saying something about forgiving her. Or was that just a dream I busted? It kinda melds together sometimes.” Which… Wow, that’s actually a bad thing, huh? I hope I never start confusing things I experienced in a dream with something that happened in reality.

“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. But the heart wants what it wants, and I suppose even monsters deserve a chance at love…”

“Yes, I do,” I replied. Or at least, I like to think I do, even if I am the biggest monster on the planet.

“So start by telling her what you told me, obviously. The part about how her confession made you feel, specifically. And make sure to tack on the fact that you won’t be marrying anyone until you have better leads on your missing penis and lost soul.”

“My soul isn’t lost. I know exactly where it is. It’s just beyond my reach. But yes, that’s a good place to start. And I guess everything about how I shouldn’t fall for a monster like that also technically counts as advice, even if I’m probably too stupid to listen to it.”

“You’re not too stupid, just too stubborn,” Cadance replied, reaching over to boop me with a wing. “And if you really do fall for Moonbeam, I imagine stubbornness will be something you’ll need in spades. Socially speaking, countess won’t be a high enough rank to secure you all the benefits you might want in a marriage. You’re better off aiming for duchess.”

“Will that really matter for mommy?” Taya asked.

“No. But if you plan to marry a queen, having a high rank of your own will be valuable on the world stage. Nav may not care about titles, but there are those that do. Frankly speaking, it would probably be easier to just accept that you have a herd rather than trying to marry one of them. Especially one like Moonbeam, with a full-on royal rank.”

“I’d be fine with it,” Taya said with a shrug. “As long as you understand that you aren’t part of mommy’s harem, that is.”

“You don’t have to rub it in,” Cadance muttered before sipping more of her coffee.

“Here’s another question, then,” I said, ignoring their off-topic conversation. “What would Moonie have to do to become an acceptable choice for other people?”

“Wow, that’s a tough one,” Cadance replied. “I mean, sure she apologized, but she was the bad guy in Equestria for thousands of years. No matter what happens, I feel like it’ll take time to come back from that reputation. Some of those close to you seem to have a personal history with her, as well. I do think it would help to have her changelings seen more, though. Most Equestrians may be aware that the changeling race is no longer hostile, but most Equestrians never knew much about changelings in the first place. Personally, I never even thought about them at all until the day one kidnapped me and attempted to ruin my entire life.”

“So you don’t know… Well, that’s all the questions I had for now. I think I’ll head back upstairs for now.”

“There’s still a subject I would like to discuss,” Cadance said as I tried to push my chair out. Sadly, I didn’t get anywhere, as her magic blocked me. “There’s a very important event that’s about to happen, after all. I’d like to know more about what it’ll entail.”

“Important event?” I said, tilting my head. “What do you mean?”

“The promotion ceremony,” Cadance said, her voice sounding strangely dull.

“Oh, that. I thought we agreed that it wasn’t important? Why bother discussing it, then?”

“That was never agreed upon! You’re doing that thing again where you’re just trying to waste time, hoping for reinforcements to come save you! Luckily for me, the only one who agrees that this is unimportant is Taya.”

“That sounds like a challenge,” my filly replied. “Are you saying I can’t help mommy avoid talking about something she doesn’t want to discuss?”

“I am definitely not going to make that assumption or that assertion,” Cadance immediately said, backing down much faster than I expected. “However, it means there’s no reason for Nav to stall, because no help is coming! So, how are you getting to the event?”

“A chariot will ferry me to the palace. I assume from there, I’ll depart with Celestia.”

“Are you just giving in, mommy?” Taya asked.

“It’s not worth fighting over,” I replied with a shrug. “The chariot’s supposed to come after breakfast, so I’ll head upstairs to get armored up after I eat. And yes, I’m completely positive that I was told to attend in my armor.”

“Where’s the event taking place?” Cadance asked.

“Apparently Celestia built a dock for the ship we captured. That’s where it’s supposed to be. You’ll have to ask one of my maids, Crystal Drop, for directions.”

“...Of course I will,” Cadance said, rolling her eyes. “I suppose if you’re treating it this flippantly, I’m the only member of royalty you’ve informed?”

“Moonie probably knows, but I haven’t told anyone else. Like I said, I just found out last night. Gilda will probably find out when she comes downstairs. I don’t know if Celestia sent out invitations to any of the other members of royalty visiting, but my maid, Crystal Drop, might know.”

“You don’t have to keep saying her name! Ugh… Say, would you mind if I come here to work as a maid sometimes?”

“Would saying yes stop you?” The impish grin Cadance was wearing answered my question, sadly. “Get permission from Shiny first. It feels awkward for me, since I’ve probably eaten more of your home-cooked meals than your own husband. Also, I would very much prefer if you had some way to disguise the fact that you’re an alicorn.”

“I do! I assume your maid is in the kitchen, where she belongs?”

“Probably. She mentioned something about cooking. If you want to discuss details of your temporary employment, consult Doppel.”

“I’ll start with this so-called Crystal Drop,” Cadance replied, finally sliding out of her seat. “Once I get more details about the event, I’ll get my family ready for it.”

“Good luck,” I said as she walked off.

“I never need luck when there’s love in the air, Nav!”

“So, Moonbeam?” Taya said when Cadance was gone.

“Nobody would ever expect it, right? The great hero marrying the eldritch horror, the evil fae queen. That said, there’s still time for things to change.” Betraying Discord would almost definitely come with some kind of penalty, after all. And there’s no guarantee my feelings would be the same after getting a soul. “Your date with the prince didn’t go well. Do you foresee trying to date others in the future, or are you giving up on it?”

“Well… I guess it’ll depend. It’s not really a priority. Watching you is much more important and fun!”

“I see.” It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but it didn’t surprise me. Trying to convince her otherwise was a fool’s errand, so I didn’t bother. Besides… Not being able to grow up would make getting into a relationship more difficult.

Before I could change the subject, someone else did it for me. Doppel walked over and bowed her head. “My lady, you have a guest. He is accompanied by Felix.”

“The dog mercenary?” I asked. Doppel nodded. “What was his name… Rin Tin Tin, I think?”

“That’s correct, my lady. He would like to discuss a contract with you.”

“Am I dressed acceptably for it, and is this a proper place for such a meeting?”

“Probably not, but this mercenary is going to be working for you. If he can’t accept working for a noble who acts like you normally do, it would be better to find out sooner rather than later.”

“Is Watcher around? And Luna, are you—” Before I could finish that sentence, Luna teleported before me. “I’m about to meet with the head of a group of mercenaries. I want your input.”

“Yes, my lady,” Luna replied. “What do you intend to use them for?”

“Guarding the town, special projects, and possibly war. I had a plan to send mercenaries to known pirate strongholds to seize ships, booty, and prisoners that we could sell to the changelings. With all of them equipped with magic equipment and you at their helm, I thought it might be a quick and easy way to make some money while doing some good in the world.”

“Understood. I will judge them based on those criteria.”

“And Watcher is already back at the Zone,” Doppel said. “We can call him back, if you’d like.”

“No, I don’t want to interrupt him. Send them in, Doppel.”

“Yes, my lady.” Doppel walked back out, leaving me with one of my most zealous vassals.

“Would you like me to sit across your lap again, my lady?” Luna asked with a warm, friendly smile.

“I don’t think I’ll need to protect myself against these two. Besides, there’s no room on the chair. Feel free to take a seat, Luna.”

“Did I miss a petting session?” Taya asked as a very disappointed Luna sat next to me.

“Taya, you know my lap almost always has room for you,” I replied. “There’s no reason for you to take up time with my vassals.”

“Hmph. I’m going to get ready for class, mommy.” She teleported off.

“My lady, perhaps next time you should leave off the word almost,” Luna said.

“I don’t want to lie. In the vast majority of instances, I can make time for my filly. However, that’s not always feasible.”

“Fluttershy told me that there are times in which small lies are considered acceptable, as they’re expected in civil discourse,” Luna said. “I feel like this was one of those times.”

“Maybe, but I don’t like lying anymore. Telling the truth is more fun.” Our guests were finally walking in, so we fell silent.

The predatory smile on Rin Tin Tin’s face was somewhat unexpected. We had only spoken for a short period of time, but he seemed like a friendly sort. At the moment, he looked like he was sporting for a fight. Meanwhile, Felix was wearing his standard slimy grin, though he didn’t seem to notice the change in his friend’s expression.

“Good morning, my lady,” Felix warmly said. “I believe you’ve already met my friend, but allow me to introduce you. This is Rin Tin Tin, mercenary captain. Rin, this is Lady Navarone of Equestria, soon-to-be Countess of Equestria.”

“Oh yes, we’ve met,” Rin replied. “She’s the only one who put me on the ground in recent memory! Ah, how could I ever forget? My lady, I want a rematch!”

“For reference, I was cheating like crazy in that fight,” I said. “First, I had magic cast to strengthen me. Second, I had someone else controlling my body. When it comes to hand to hand fighting, I’m honestly not the best.”

“A defeat is still a defeat! From the looks of you, I’d say you probably use a sword. Probably one handed, with nothing in your other hand. How about that, instead?”

“You’d still probably win. As you may have noticed, my body is a lot different from when we last met. That said, I wouldn’t mind a chance to spar later. It’ll help me get used to my new self. But of course, none of this is why you’re here, nor why you brought Felix to introduce you. I recently read over a contract you submitted to work with me.”

“Is it too late to change my mind?” he asked.

“Not at all,” I replied with a smile. “If you’re having second thoughts, feel free to walk away.”

“No, no, nothing like that,” he said before walking closer and kneeling before me. “You have the moon itself at your beck and call… I’d rather serve as a subject than as a mercenary. I feel like I’ll see more blood and glory that way.”

“That’s not the Rin I know,” Felix said. “You said you’d never bow before a noble.”

“I bow before no noble,” the dog replied. “But to a mercenary queen? I have no trouble kneeling. After what you told me of that dungeon you raided, I can smell the change in the air. I know you feel it too, Felix. I couldn’t forgive myself if I stood anywhere other than the center of the storm.”

“Luna?” I said.

“I am going to ask you a few questions,” Luna said, piercing the dog with a stare. “If you answer poorly, I will turn your soul into a sword for my lady.”

“Please ask me simple questions, lady night,” the dog replied, still kneeling. “I know much of war, but little of academics.”

“There is a contract by the dogs in the east to kill Lady Navarone. Are you aware of it?”

“There were rumors about it in Gryphus, but I do not seek that bounty,” the dog replied.

“If I were to ask you to pour me a glass of red, what would you do?”

“Ask whether you prefer the crisp, the hot, or the crimson.” Luna later informed me that this was a secret code certain mercenaries used when they were willing to do jobs that weren’t quite above-board or legal.

“Are you a member of any public-facing guilds?”

“We’re registered with a few up north with the griffins and down south, near the border.”

“Why are you not after my lady’s bounty? The value is high and the prestige would be worth even more.”

“Oh, I was going to kill her during the tournament. She won, though, so I gave up. I don’t go after targets that are stronger than me.”

“Wise.”

Doppel finally came in with a trolley of tea. She was followed by Shining Armor, who seemed somewhat surprised by my guests. “Am I interrupting something?” he asked, coming to a stop near our table. Doppel had no such compunctions and quickly poured out some tea for us.

“I’m conducting an interview,” I replied. “Don’t mind us. So, you say you want to serve me directly rather than just act as a mercenary. Is that the opinion of your entire company, or just yours?”

“I will convince them. They will follow me.” Apparently that piqued Shiny’s interest, as he joined us at the table, sitting far away from Luna.

“Most mercenaries want money more than honor or glory,” Luna said. “Why would you choose to serve rather than work based on contracts?”

“Reliability, consistency, and renown,” the dog replied. “My company has grown to the point where it’s difficult to find contracts lucrative enough to keep us afloat. Before, when the changelings and griffins were fighting, we could always find a way to make do. But with that war over, our only options here are fighting monsters, turning to guard work, or doing illegal jobs. Felix being in prison made illegal jobs too dangerous, guard work is boring and doesn’t pay much, and there are only so many monsters that people pay to have killed. At the rate things were going, we were going to have to find a way overseas. It’s simple for one or two people. It’s much more difficult to move a hundred people. Working for a rich noble who’s well-known for being a hero sounds like a good way to get a steady, reliable income while building up the prestige of myself and my troops. If you grow strong enough, it’s possible I could become a knight or even a noble.”

“Is there precedent for that?” I asked, looking over at Luna.

“My lady, you are the precedent,” Luna replied.

“I meant a dog noble specifically. And also precedent for a vassal becoming a noble.”

“Ah. Yes to both. You can’t make him a noble, but if he performs enough meritorious deeds while under your service, you can recommend that he become one. The same would be true for Kat, Gourd, Watcher, and anyone else you vassalize. And at your rank of countess, you have the right to apply to build an order of knights. However, you won’t be able to do that until you build up your town a little.”

“I can’t start you as a vassal. That’s for people I know well. Luna, what’s the rank he’d get for joining me?”

“Watcher would be the vassal in charge of your bodyguards, the original night squads who joined you,” Luna said. “Rin Tin Tin would be the captain of your armsponies. Or I suppose armsdogs, in this case. Essentially, the equivalent of your military. They have no formal rank in the Equestria military, but if you were called to war, they would serve as your troops.”

“Alongside the golems,” I said, my eyes moving to the one in the yard out back for a moment. “I guess we’ll have to get you used to those, too. Well, I’ll tell you what we’ll do. Talk to your soldiers. Convince them to join me. When you do, I’ll accept your oath of fealty. But before you go, know that my primary enemy is larger than life. Something that no amount of strength can kill. If it decides you are an enemy, you might well suffer a fate worse than death. Knowing all that, do you still want to follow me?”

“My lady, I don’t think there’s any way you could convince me to stand down now,” the dog before me replied.

“Good. I would offer to spar, but I have an event today I need to be ready for. I can’t get dirty or anything, sadly. I also need to be able to walk properly.”

“I’ve heard talk of a beauty pageant,” the dog said with a sly smile.

“Oh yeah, that’s a thing, too. I meant another event, though. We’re going to be showing off some of my winnings from the Zone of Alienation at my promotion ceremony today. My understanding is that it’ll be a public event, so you could probably bring anyone you have trouble convincing.”

“Even I am intelligent enough not to bring an entire company of sellswords into Canterlot,” the dog replied. “Most of them are waiting nearby for me.”

“Right, I remember Celestia mentioning something about not liking mercenaries hanging around. You don’t see many dogs here, either. Cats are also almost unheard of, so you would all be very obvious. Hm, Luna, do you know if Jak made any of the armor or weapons I was planning to give the mercenaries?”

“He has, my lady,” Luna replied. “However, it would be difficult to retrieve them from the ship at the moment. Once it docks, doing so will be simple enough.”

“Weapons and armor?” the dog said, finally looking up at us. “My lady, we already have plenty of both. No mercenary worth the gold would make their contractor supply weapons.”

“Our equipment is better, trust me,” I said. “We’ll reequip all of you and teach you how to use all the enchantments and enhancements. Now that I have a group with hands, I’ll need to give some of you rifles as well.”

“Why not all of them?” Luna asked.

“Their kids, maybe. That’ll probably be a generation or two down the line, if I had to guess. It’ll take some time for the tech we have to catch up with the magic we have, and at the moment, being able to convert the blood of your enemies into magical power to enhance your armor beats out a rifle, unless you’re fighting at range. To be completely honest, I imagine any armor you make could probably repel a bullet from some rifles.”

“It would also do little to a golem,” Luna said, turning to look at the one out in the yard. “Though magic does little to them, too.”

“...Is it always like this?” Rin asked, looking over at Felix.

“Get used to dealing with immortals,” the cat replied with a long, tired sigh. “I’ll say this: If Lady Navarone offers you something, she will deliver. If she says her equipment is better, it will probably make you so powerful you won’t even know what to do with yourself. I take it you already have some plans for them, my lady?”

“How do you like the sound of fishing?” I asked with a smile.

“What for?” the dog asked, looking back over to me.

“Pirates. I want to convert their boats into airships, take over their strongholds to use as bases of trade, and sell all the criminals we capture alive to changelings as food. You’ll be given a percentage of the loot you reclaim, I’ll pay you a finder’s fee for any boats you bring me, and we’ll discuss payment for prisoners each time you bring me some. In your down time, you’ll be guarding my town near the Everfree. Construction will begin soon and I’ll need people to keep an eye on the place to make sure monsters don’t visit.”

“My lady, I very much like the sound of that,” the dog replied, once more wearing a predatory grin. “However… We’re good at fighting, but not so good at finding stuff on the open seas.”

“Don’t worry, I have an ex-princess for things like that,” I said. It made Luna beam in joy. “I also have a current princess, who almost definitely has a map of where ships went missing that we can use to narrow locations down. And finally, I have a few ex-pirate slaves who took shelter in some of those ports and would like revenge against those who enslaved them. If there are any pirate clans who work together, we’ll be able to rip the knowledge of other locations from the minds of those we capture.”

“Where are you going to get the crew for all those ships?” Felix asked.

“What do you think I’ll be trading the prisoners for? Changelings don’t use gold. I’ll be exchanging sources of food for sources of labor. I’m sure I can work a deal out with Moonie. Failing that, I can consult Celestia and Gilda. If that still isn’t enough, I can ask merchant guilds in various towns.”

“Why not us?” Shiny asked, finally butting in for the first time.

“Do you have the population to spare?”

“We… do not,” he replied. “Never mind.”

“I’ll work all the logistics out before the airships are functional,” I replied. “Luna, how hard would it be to use geothermal energy to power a magic shield?”

“I’d need to research a few runes, but I can have one ready by the end of the week,” she replied.

“After the pageant is over, we’re going north to Shiny’s place to claim a hot spring. We’ll build the warehouse there, set up a teleport center, build an inn, and let the money flow in. But we’re getting off topic. Assuming we can find the pirates for you, can you take them out in a way that keeps their ships and towns relatively intact?”

“...Yes, my lady,” the dog replied. For a moment there, he looked overwhelmed. Finally, he decided to put everything out of his mind and just focus on what he did understand.

“Good. Mercenary or retainer, you will serve me well. There’s always a need for violence in this barbaric post apocalyptic society. Say, by chance, would you be interested in doing lewd things to a deer king? Oh, that offer goes for you as well, Felix.” For some reason, Shining Armor sighed. “Please don’t feel like I’m forcing you into it. It’s just an offer, not a request or an order.”

“I respectfully decline,” Felix immediately replied.

“I am not sure I would… er… fit inside of a male deer,” Rin said. “But I’d be willing to try. What kind of mercenary would I be if I didn’t take a chance to build a personal relationship with a member of royalty? And Felix, what kind of thief are you if you don’t want to steal a royal’s heart?”

“Thieves are supposed to steal the hearts of princesses, not kings,” Felix said. “Maybe a queen, if the mood strikes me, but never a king!”

“Sexist,” I said. “Anyway, how long would it take for you to meet back up with your company?”

“A few hours.”

“My lady, I would like permission to show him the Zone,” Felix said.

“Granted. If you haven’t eaten yet, you’re welcome to wait until after breakfast.”

“I always eat well before coming to large pony cities,” the dog replied. “There’s no guarantee meat will be available.”

“There is at least one place in Canterlot that serves meat. You’ll probably be invited next time we do a meat-eating party. As for our personal supply, that’s not an issue.”

“Hm, I can smell it in the air,” Rin said, lifting his muzzle up to sniff. “Someone is quite good at cooking, it seems.” Amusingly enough, his tail began wagging.

“I’m glad my nose isn’t that sensitive. I’d probably be sneezing every time Felix enters the room.”

“I can assure you that I don’t stink!” Felix shouted.

“Yeah, but I’m allergic to tabbies.”

“That seems made up,” Shiny said.

“No… it’s not, sadly,” Felix said, hanging his head. “Our fur is different. Some have a harder time being around me than cats with shorter, less fluffy hair. You should have told me, my lady.”

“I’m more used to Shiny’s reaction than yours, so I usually don’t tell people. Anyway, Luna, would you mind sending them to the Zone? They can ask someone on site to send them back when they’re done walking around.”

“As you desire, my lady,” she replied, coming to her feet. Her horn lit up and the three of them vanished.

“So that’s how the great Lady Navarone conducts a job interview,” Shiny said.

“Learn anything?” I asked with a perfectly ladylike smile.

“Yes, I learned I need a deer king to offer on a silver platter. Perhaps then more talent will find its way to me.”

Before he could continue, Luna teleported back and took her seat again. “I think your new acquisition will do nicely, my lady.”

“Good. And he was telling the truth?”

“Indeed, he was. It’s likely he knows where we can find the fools who had the audacity to put a target on your back.”

“It would take a prohibitively long time to get there and deal with that issue. Realistically speaking, it would be better to go myself, but I have the pageant going on at the moment. Besides, taking care of the root of the problem right now will do nothing about the bounty hunters that are already coming, unless they have a much faster means of communication than I expected. Once Fleur’s nonsense is over, we can arrange a trip to China.”

“Celestia could probably take you immediately,” Luna said. “It’s been too long since I was last there, so all my points of reference for teleportation are gone.”

“Well… I’ve cleaned up one criminal organization in a day. I wonder if I could do a second?”

“If anyone could, it probably would be you,” Shiny replied. “That said, you should definitely take more time to prepare. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask more about the inn you mentioned opening. I know we talked about the hot spring nearby, but were you serious about being able to do something with it?”

“Luna?”

“It is doable,” she replied. “The runes my lady found at the Zone used the power of lava to fuel the magic shield. It should be simple enough to isolate the portions that convert heat into magic. The area we’ll be covering will be smaller, so it shouldn’t use much energy.”

“Wait, it’s not haunted, is it?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at the prince.

“It’s not, as far as I know,” he said. “If you have teleportation circles linked up to Equestria, tourists really would be able to come more easily. Right now, the only way to get to our kingdom is via reinforced airships or trains. It’s possible you could bring in some revenue for us.”

I softly cleared my throat before saying, “Princess Mia told me that land was unincorporated and unclaimed. Thus, not taxable.”

“Yes, well, when we advertise the beautiful Crystal Kingdom right next door, I’m sure they’ll want to visit, since it’s so close! So make sure your hot springs is set up perfectly.”

“What was that?!” a visiting princess loudly demanded as she made herself known. Princess Gilda marched right up to us with a relatively sour expression. “You intend to ruin all my plans with your own!”

“How long have you owned your hot springs?” I asked. “And yet you’ve done nothing with them. Sure, they’re atmospheric, but there’s no customer service at all.”

“Was calling it the Hamlet of Mehdiocrity not enough for you?!”

“Seriously, Nav?” Shiny said.

“That accusation is slander and I resent it,” I said. “My lips may have spoken them, but the words themselves came from Aqua. Also, good morning, Gilda.”

“It hardly feels like a good morning, what with you making plans for a hot springs of your own! You know I had plans for mine!”

“You said you were going to build a college there, not an inn. Sure, my inn will be linked to my college via teleport node, but it’s also possible to link up your college as well. So what’s the problem?”

“If you have your own, you’ll have no reason to visit mine! And your words or not, I still want to make you eat them some day!”

“Did it really make you that mad?” I asked.

“I have rarely been so humiliated in my life! My private fief, mocked as mediocre in front of my own guards!”

“Yeah, Nav’s pretty brutal to royalty,” Shiny said.

“Again, those weren’t my words,” I said. “But I mean, realistically, the only royalty I feel the need to fear and respect are Celestia, Moonbeam, Pyrite, and Arachne. They’re all vastly more powerful than me and until recently, none of them would have batted an eye about making me disappear if they thought it was necessary.”

“What about me?” Luna asked.

“You’re not a princess anymore.”

“And me?” Shiny asked.

“You’d bat an eye about making me disappear, so there’s no need to fear you. Same for your wife. And the griffins don’t have anyone powerful enough to be a threat to me, so I have no need to fear them either.”

“That… that doesn’t mean you can’t be nice…” Gilda replied in a pained voice.

“I like to think I’ve been very nice to you, actually,” I said. “I gave you access to a ton of information and technology, I helped you avoid going on a date with a brute, I talked your father into giving you more freedom to pursue your interests, I helped get rid of your annoying maid, I took you to the Zone and gave you access to all of its secrets, and now I’m granting you refuge in my house to avoid all the marriage proposals coming your way.”

“The word Princess Gilda is looking for is courteous,” Shining Armor said. “At this point, I’m used to it. If you started acting like that now, it would make my fur stand on end. But Princess Gilda is more delicate, like Cadance when you first met her, before you destroyed her spirit.”

“Slow your roll there, Shiny,” I said. “Please think back over the events of the last minute or so. The two of us were having a normal, civil business conversation when, without warning, she rudely interrupted us and started getting irate and making demands. Then, when I greet her, she starts making angry accusations, all while I try to calmly explain things. So, where in that process did I behave without courtesy? As a new noble, I’m still not sure how everything works, so please explain in detail what I did wrong.”

“It’s your attitude,” Luna replied for both of them. “Dismissive and uninterested. Sometimes casual to the point of rudeness. You make no attempt to sympathize or yield ground, instead choosing to deflect and argue. Princesses aren’t usually subjected to such treatment.”

“Neither are guard captains,” Shiny said.

“Or young maidens!” Gilda angrily added.

“Oh. So, would you like to visit the hot springs when they’re ready, Gilda? We can make it private, just like the treatment I got at your place.”

“Absolutely, but that’s not the point!”

I sighed and got to my feet, then approached the princess. She seemed wary, but made no move to resist as I started petting her. Apparently I finally guessed right, as she couldn’t keep a smile off her face and began purring in contentment. “If you wanted some special treatment, you just needed to ask. I don’t mind petting someone so cute and fluffy.”

“Princesses shouldn’t have to ask,” Luna said. “Special treatment is just expected from those around them.”

“No wonder most of them end up so spoiled. Shiny, be careful with Skyla.”

“I will be,” he said with a sigh. “Is your home always this exciting?”

“No, thankfully. Speaking of, where is your filly? I figured she’d be up and about.”

“Cadance is picking out an outfit. I can just go in armor, like you.”

“Well, with luck, this will be quick and uneventful and then we can all get on with our lives again.”

“Hm, is something happening today?” Gilda asked.

“Nothing important. Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s my lady’s promotion ceremony,” the maid version of Celestia said as she walked in. Her smile was perfectly serene and she was levitating a few plates of food. “I’m sure Princess Celestia planned it during the pageant to more easily allow foreign nobles like yourself to attend, Princess Gilda. If you have the time, Lady Navarone would be delighted if you made an appearance!”

“Do as you wish,” I said, taking my seat right as my maid floated food over to me. “And thanks for breakfast. If it makes you feel any better, I promise to do my best not to ruin the event.”

“I would much rather you just promise not to ruin it, rather than merely doing your best not to.”

“As long as the event goes smoothly and as planned, I promise not to ruin it,” I said. “I’m behaving during the pageant, aren’t I?”

“I heard it took great lengths to make that happen,” Shiny said. “Fleur mentioned something about one of her reporter friends nearly having a nervous breakdown after your interview.”

“I wish her well in her recovery,” I replied with a warm smile. “I hope to speak with her again one day, after all…”

“That sneer on your face is terrifying,” Shiny said. “If Skyla sees it, she might cry.”

“I think it suits you perfectly,” Gilda said. “It’s confident and… s-sexy.”

“I would prefer to serve a lady with a gentle smile,” Crystal Drop said.

“Better a villain with a sneer than a villain hiding behind a mask,” I said. “Anyway, I believe we all have busy schedules today. Luna, after breakfast, help me put on my armor.”

“May I attend the event as well?” Luna shyly asked.

“It would probably be better for more of my vassals to be there than not. Besides, there are still assassins out and about, supposedly. I’d rather have you close.”

“Yes, my lady!” she merrily replied.

“And I think if your sister had a problem with you attending, she would have said as much last night.”

“Nav, don’t tell me…” Shiny said, looking at me with exasperation.

“I met with Celestia, Luna, and Moonbeam last night for a discussion. I left early with Moonie.” He sighed in relief, Celestia sighed in disappointment, Gilda sighed in disgust, and Luna sighed in delight at the taste of her waffles. Since mine were starting to get syrupy, I joined Luna in eating. Celestia decided to make herself scarce and the other two members of royalty joined me in eating.

Soon, more people filtered downstairs. Luckily, I had an excuse to leave without talking to them, as I needed to get geared up. Luna teleported us both upstairs and began dressing me up in the glowing red runic armor.

“My lady, I have a question,” Luna said as she passed me the boots. “Are you sure this is the armor Celestia wanted you to wear?”

“She wasn’t specific. If I’m honest, I don’t really have any other armor that was explicitly designed for this body anymore.”

“Hm… Now that I think about it, you’re right. It would be difficult for you to use any of your other armor at the moment. I believe I can redo some of it, if you would like.”

“No need.” She floated over the gauntlets next, which I slid into place. “That would be planning for failure, after all. The win condition is getting as close to my original body as possible. If that happens, all the armor would have to be remade again anyway. It may not be difficult for you, but it would still consume time that could be better spent.”

“Time is one thing I have in spades, you know.”

“Your time is my time, and I say you have better things to do. Like letting me pet you, for example.”

“I’ll cede to your wisdom, I suppose. It seems you are ready, my lady. Oh, but you should probably wear either your cloak or a cape, should you not?”

“I mean, it seems inconvenient. I’d rather not, if I have the choice.”

“You are the highest ranking one in this room. Of course the choice is yours.” It still felt weird to hear something like that from Ex-Princess Luna herself. At the moment, it was just the two of us in the room, so she was correct. “What weapons will you take?”

“My sword and my naga dagger. I don’t want to show off the runic knives publicly just yet. After the pageant, I need to bring the broken dagger and the weapons we found back to the clan.” It wasn’t a meeting I was looking forward to, either.

She floated the weapons over and I attached them to my armor. When I was ready, I walked over in front of the mirror and took a look. “What do you think?” Luna asked.

“Luna, do you… think I used to look fierce?”

“At times, yes.”

“I don’t really ever feel that way anymore. Even as I look myself over now, all I really see is a young woman who belongs more at home than on a battlefield.”

“Would you like me to bleed on you? Perhaps the addition of blood would add to your ferocity?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been practicing enough.”

“Your gender change clearly destroyed your confidence. You made an irreversible mistake that you were warned about making. It made you lose your edge.”

“Makes sense. Well, let’s head out back. I could use some more sun.”

More to the point, I saw Skyla in the backyard, accompanied by Doppel. Luna opened the door for me and I let myself out, then hopped over the railing to fly down.

Doppel noticed me first and greeted me with a smile. That got Skyla’s attention, who blinked in surprise as I descended. “Lady Navi, you’re so… shiny? Why are you wearing glowing red metal clothes?”

“It’s called armor,” I replied, rapping my knuckles against my chest. “The red glowing part is magic. Did your mother mention an event later today?”

“She said it was super important and would change your life forever! She said you did something amazing, Lady Navi.”

“Well, Princess Celestia requested that I wear my armor for that event.”

“I had a hard time believing it, but I confirmed it already,” Doppel said with a sigh.

“I think our lady looks quite striking, myself,” Luna said with a smile.

“Huh. Your armor looks cooler than my dad’s armor…”

“You should never say that in front of him,” I said. I wanted to poke Skyla’s nose, but thought better of it. The armor I was wearing boosted my strength and I didn’t want to risk hurting her. “What do you think about the garden?”

“I’ve never seen most of these before. Do the plants do anything?”

“Some are for cooking,” I said. “This is basil, that’s lavender, that one is mint, that’s thyme.”

“Most of the flowers on that side are for potions,” Luna said, pointing toward the flowers that Gloomy planted. “That one is for general healing, that one is for clotting blood, this flower makes a fantastic poison, the root of that flower is good for diluting potions to make one strong potion into several weaker potions.”

“Doppel, ask Gloomy to put a warning near any poisonous plants,” I said. “I’ve seen some ponies eat flowers on the side of the road as a snack. I don’t want someone to meet their end if they get nippish in my garden.” Doppel quickly nodded.

“Wow… Your plants actually have purposes? The gardeners at home just say the flowers are there to look good. That always seemed like a waste.”

“Well, different people have different values,” I said with a shrug. “I prefer any plant grown here to be useful to some degree or another. However, I also don’t have to keep up appearances quite like royalty. Wait until you see Celestia’s garden.”

“A lot of the plants there do have value, but it’s rare that anyone is allowed to make use of them,” Luna said. “It’s mostly used for relaxation.”

“What are those trees for?” Skyla asked, pointing at the two magical cherry blossoms in the center of the yard. “I can feel that they’re full of magic!”

“If I ever die, I’ll come back to life inside of one of those trees,” I said. “The other one belongs to Taya.”

“What happens to the tree when that happens?” Skyla asked.

“I… don’t actually know, but I assume that it dies,” I said.

“So, you’re immortal?”

“Sort of, but not completely. I’ll say that killing me would prove so difficult that most people would be incapable of it. After all, even if you cut me down once, I have backups.”

“Wow… Can anyone do that? Oh, can I grow out of a tree?”

“You have to be infused with the essence of a tree, which is painful. I don’t recommend you do it, at least not until you’re an adult.”

“Tree ponies… The world’s really neat! And your trees are really pretty, Lady Navi! Could you grow them at my home, too?”

“I don’t know if that would work,” I said. “Your home is mostly dark for half the year. That might be bad for the trees.”

“Oh well. Say, do you know how to cook, too?”

“I can make some things, but I’m nowhere near as good as Celestia or your mother.”

“The sandwiches you invented are exquisite,” Luna said.

“You invented a sandwich?!” Skyla shouted, her wings fluttering.

“I didn’t invent it, I was just the first one to give it to Luna,” I said. “She’s talking about grilled cheese sandwiches. They’re good, but not usually something that would be fed to a princess.”

“Even commoner food can taste wonderful,” Luna said.

“I’ve never heard of it, either,” Skyla said. “I like grilled things, bread, and cheese, so I bet it’s good!”

“It shouldn’t be a problem for you to try it while you’re here,” I said. “I don’t think I’m allowed in a kitchen anymore, but I’d make you one if I was.”

“You’re allowed into a kitchen, but you’re not allowed to cook,” Doppel replied. “It would be rude to your staff, my lady.”

“I guess your mother would probably be able to make one,” I said.

“Wait, how does that make sense?” Skyla asked, tilting her head. “My mom is a princess while you’re a lady. Why’s she allowed to cook, then?”

“She's of a high enough status that she can get away with breaking some of the rules.”

“My lady, are you fully prepared to go?” Doppel asked. “Princess Celestia said the chariot was coming after breakfast, right?”

“I’m ready,” I said. “Unless you have a complaint?”

“Where’s your cloak, my lady?” Doppel asked. “The one with your heraldic symbol would be perfect for this.”

“It gets in the way. Celestia asked me to go in my armor, so I figured it would be better to make sure my armor was plainly visible.”

“Well, far be it from me to stand in your way…” Doppel said. “Is Taya riding with you, or will she be going later?”

“She has class today.”

“Which she’ll be excused from, obviously,” Doppel said. “So will she be riding with you or going with the rest of us?”

“Uh… I guess you’ll have to ask her. I didn’t really think it was that important, so I told her there was no reason to skip class.”

“Isn’t it super important?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“Yes,” Doppel said.

“Absolutely,” Luna added.

“Maybe I’m the weird one, then,” I said.

“You definitely are, my lady,” Doppel said. “Please forgive me for saying it, but your priorities are all wrong. I’m going to find Taya. Hopefully she hasn’t left yet…” Her wings flickered and she took off toward the house.

“I’ve never ridden in a chariot before,” Skyla said. “Is it like flying with your wings?”

“It’s a lot different,” I said. “I prefer using my own wings, but chariots are a symbol of status. It can be relaxing if I have a unicorn riding with me to block the wind, but it’s annoying to fly by myself. It does let you get a good view of the area without having to worry about getting disoriented and falling out of the sky, though. Your kingdom might not be big enough to make them necessary, but I know you can rent them in Canterlot. It might be worth riding around the city in one, or getting your parents to take you to Cloudsdale on one. Anyway, let’s head inside.”

I preferred the idea of waiting outside, but Skyla would probably want to wait with me. When the chariot picked me up, she would be left alone with Luna. Cadance would probably never forgive me if I let that happen, so it was better to get Skyla inside with the more responsible adults.

“Say, Lady Navi, I had a question,” Skyla said as we walked toward the doors. “Why does the spider sleep outside in the tree?”

“You’d have to ask him. I told him that he was welcome to take a room in the house, but he chose not to.”

“Alright, I will! Well, as soon as I find him.”

“He’s not here right now,” Luna said. “He went with Watcher to the Zone today, but he’ll be back in time for the pageant.”

“Say, do you think I could go there, too?” Skyla asked.

“I have no problem with it, but you’d have to ask your parents,” I said. We finally got to the doors, so I pushed them open and said, “Shiny, your filly wants to go to the Zone.”

“Absolutely not,” he immediately replied.

“Aww, why not?” Skyla asked. “Spider gets to go!”

“Nav, did you put her up to this?” Shiny asked, rubbing at his temple.

“Blaming me isn’t going to make her stop asking. And for the record, it was Luna’s fault, not mine.”

“I accept the blame,” Luna replied, bowing her head. “I mentioned that place a moment ago.”

“So why can’t I go?” Skyla asked, trotting up to her father and giving him a well-practiced pout.

“To be frank, you’d get in the way,” I said while Shiny floundered for an answer. “I know you want to go, but right now, the Zone is full of guards, laborers, scientists, and researchers, all working non-stop. If you went, they’d have to stop their work to entertain royalty. It would be better to do it later, after properly scheduling it during a time when other guests are visiting.”

“So it’s not dangerous, then?” Skyla asked.

“It’s definitely still dangerous,” Shiny said.

“Not where Spider will be, though,” I said. “He’s going through areas that have already been cleared and made safe. Same for any guests. As far as I know, the only threats still active there are deep underground.”

“So… it’s not dangerous?”

Shiny sighed. Luna poked me on the side and then pointed out back. When I looked, I saw a royal chariot awaiting me. “Looks like my ride is here,” I said. “I’ll see you guys at the event.”

“My lady, may I ride with you?” Luna asked.

“Only if you can do so inconspicuously. I’d rather they think I’m unprotected so they strike. If you were obvious, they wouldn’t dare.”

“I would be delighted to hide in the place closest to you!” she replied with a smile full of deranged glee. It was too late to correct my mistake, as she vanished into darkness and seemed to absorb into my shadow.

I decided not to think about it. “I’m off. Tell Cadance not to embarrass me, Shiny.”

“Alright, whatever,” he replied with a sigh. It seemed he had more important things on the mind, given the filly pestering him. I’m sure he’d manage, though.

When I got outside, one of the guards was working on unhooking himself. He stopped trying when I began walking over. “Lady Navarone, we’re here to take you to the palace,” the other guard said.

“I’m about ninety-five percent sure you’re telling the truth, but I need you to repeat after me,” I said. “I am not an assassin. I am one of Celestia’s royal guards.”

“Uh… Sure? I am not an assassin, I am one of Princess Celestia’s royal guards.”

My shadow didn’t react, so I nodded. “Thank you. Let’s get going, then.” I walked over and stepped up into the chariot as the two guards shared a look. They finally shrugged and took off, heading toward the palace.

Chapter Two Hundred and Seventeen

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Prologue

Author's Note

If you prefer to read it on gdocs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YwI5nd7EvlvAgyeOZ09paF5PTp6fNCBc0xJA4SSS4kM/edit

Prologue

Prologue

“I remember when I woke up again. How the little fillies that gave me the power to finally break free ran off, laughing, not realizing what they had done. I remember being back in my body after so much watching but being unable to act. And I most definitely remember you, Celestia,” I said, gently caressing her face. She flinched.

“My student will stop you, Discord!” Her lower body was stone. The only thing she could move was her head, and her unicorn magic does nothing to me. She fixed me with a glare.

“If I let her. Do you know what it is like, Celestia, to live forever?” I asked, walking around her. Her eyes refused to follow me, and she kept her head straight, staring ahead. “I don’t mean living a few thousand years, as you have. I mean truly living forever.” She didn’t answer. After a minute, I stopped in front of her. She refused to meet my gaze. I wrapped my eagle talon around her throat and forced her to look me in the eyes. “I have lived for millions of years.” I dropped her statue to its feet with a thud. Her eyes didn’t leave mine. “I have lived since there were a handful of sentient creatures and will live until there is only one left and there can at last be peace.”

“Why are you telling me this, monster?”

“So you can understand. So you can understand why I do what I do. And maybe… Maybe, Celestia, so we can make a deal.”

“I would never agree to anything you say!”

“Maybe. Maybe…” I continued pacing. “I have been stopped hundreds of times. I have been turned to stone. I have been buried. I have been banished under the oceans, bound by magics long since lost. Almost every race that has ever existed has managed to banish me at least once. Dragons have done so the most, but after so long my proximity has polluted their minds.” She hissed. “Don’t worry, my dear: That took several hundred thousand years to do. Ponies will have long since faded to obscurity by the time that might happen to you.” She gave me a hateful look. I waved my lion paw. “Oh, don’t get me wrong! Ponies are magnificent animals, of course. It is just a trend I have noticed. I don’t mean it as an insult.”

She was silent. “You know, Celestia, it wouldn’t kill you to be civil. I know you don’t care for me, but think about how I feel! You locked me in stone for several thousand years.”

“You deserved worse.”

“Yes, I did, I suppose. But you would do the same had you lived as long as I. You think you know boredom. You think you know loneliness.” I stopped in front of her and bent as close as I could to her eyes. Insane yellow and red met fierce pink and black. “You. Don’t. Know. A. Thing.” I stood straight again. “You are a long-lived ruler of a short-lived race. And I feel I should apologize for what my magic did to you. The Elements of Harmony don’t usually have that effect, though they are usually only used by species that live longer anyway.”

“You knew about the Elements?”

“I created them, of course. I created them and I hid them away. I always give my opponents a trump card that they can use to defeat me.” I continued pacing. “So your student and her ‘friends’ are out looking for them right now. Normally I wait thousands of years to give my enemies the trump. But I have something different in mind.” I stopped in front of her again. “And do you know why, Celestia?”

“You are too afraid to fight me and Luna again?”

I chuckled. “Good guess, old friend, but no. As I said, I want a deal.” I started pacing again. “What would you say to a truce? Now, before you say anything, I want to explain my terms.”

“I suppose I don’t have any choice.”

I laughed. “No, my dear, I suppose you don’t. I’ve played for chaos all my life. I have created discord. I have torn families apart. I almost never hurt anything, though I do cause some manner of torment. I have never—EVER—killed anyone. I have caused others to kill, yes. I have whispered insane torments so long in the mind of some that they kill themselves. But I’ve never actually killed anyone.”

“That doesn’t excuse you from responsibility.”

“I know. Trust me, Celestia, I know. I’ve had this talk before with someone that decided not to take my deal. They said the same thing as you did.” What she didn’t know, of course, is that the person I had this talk with was her. I’ve had this talk with her hundreds of times, all within the last few minutes. I just make her forget each unsuccessful attempt; I’ve learned my lesson about giving up too soon. “So I’ve been playing for chaos for a long time. Frankly, I’m a bit tired of it. I think I have decided to play the other side of the fence for a while. Not forever, of course, but for a while. The thing is, I need someone to teach me how.”

“And you expect me to let you run wild while I teach you how to play nice. Why does that sound unappealing?”

“No, I’ve just explained my reasoning. I have yet to lay down any actual terms. Are you even slightly interested in hearing them?”

“If I say no?”

“Oh, you’ll hear the terms whether you want to or not. But if you don’t accept them, I will rule this world for a very, very long time. I’ve seen it already. The reason dragons put me down so many times, you see, is that they live long enough to be able to do it. But dragons are corrupted by me, now. They are still mostly sane, of course, but greedy and violent. There are exceptions, and some can be trained well. But if you choose not to accept my terms, I will hide the Elements of Harmony so well that they will never be found in your lifetime. Or I might just unmake them. I have the power to, I just lack the desire.”

There was a pause. “I’m listening.”

“I thought you would. The first term is this: I live in your lands, disguised, for as long as I can stay hidden.”

“No powers?”

“I’ll have a few. But I won’t use them unless I absolutely have to. My body will age, if you let it. I will drop my immunity to magic unless I am actually put in danger.”

“Keep talking.” Quieter, she murmured, “Never thought I’d say that.”

“A mare telling a man to talk...” I giggled. She just rolled her eyes. “Fine, be that way. Term two is that no one is to know of me unless I tell them. I will be in your lands, hidden, and not a single soul on this world can know of me.”

“What about Luna? Can I tell her of this agreement?”

I snapped my fingers. Luna suddenly stood next to Celestia. As soon as her hooves hit the ground she snapped awake. “DISCORD!” she shouted, horn glowing. I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers again and her horn disappeared.

“Need I remind you, young one, of who I am?” I asked as her body started to turn to stone.

“You’ll never get away wi—”

“Yes, yes, spare me your tripe.” She glared at me. “Yes, you hate me. Yes, it was my fault you turned into Nightmare Moon. Yes, you can blame me for being on the moon for a thousand years. Happy?” I don’t think she was very happy. “Celestia, care to help me out here?”

“Not really. This is kind of funny, actually.”

“Celestia, what has he done to you?” Luna asked, almost in tears.

I snapped my fingers, and replayed the entire conversation to Luna. When she caught up, she was silent.

“Much better.” I pulled a party hat from the air and stuck it on Luna’s head. “Not quite the same…” I rubbed my beard, pretending to think of something. I suddenly snapped my fingers, as though I had an epiphany. I reached behind Celestia’s ear and pulled out a horn, only to find that the hat on Luna’s head had already changed to a horn.

They didn’t look amused.

“Tough crowd!” I picked my teeth with the unicorn horn, and then bit into it. “Candy cane?” I asked, offering it to them. They just gave me a look. “Straight back to business! I like that! Though we’re not exactly in a hurry,” I said, pointing out the window. They looked and didn’t see anything of note. I checked the watch I wasn’t wearing a second ago and tried tapping it. “Damn birds never appear when you need them,” I muttered. “Anyway, time doesn’t exist outside this room anymore. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m sure you’re both terribly busy.” Celestia gave off a longsuffering sigh, and Luna just gave me an evil look. “Oh come on, Luna, don’t look so stony!” I gave it a second, and burst out laughing. Neither of them even smiled.

I instantly smoothed my face. “Fine,” I announced in a dead voice. I started pacing again, hands behind my back. “So yes, Celestia, you can tell Luna of this. Though I think she might already know by now.” I waved my hand, still pacing. “That’s only two of the terms. What say you?”

“You’re going to keep going, either way,” Celestia finally said, after sharing a short glance with Luna.

“Yes, I am,” I answered. I stopped right in front of her. “What do you think so far?”

“If you are telling the truth about them, and will keep to your word, I see nothing to object to so far.”

“Good… Good.” I resumed my pacing. “Term three: After some time of good behavior, I will regain some of my powers. They will be randomly picked, nothing either of us will have any influence over. I will not use them against you, but I might use them to protect myself against you, if I feel threatened.”

“Okay,” Celestia said.

“Term four: I will not die. I might get injured. I might get hurt so badly that by all rights I should die. Some ponies will question this. To that end, I will give you magic—and all unicorns, by extension—that enables healing and the transfer of life force from one creature to another. It is ancient magic. And when I say ancient, I mean so old that even I barely remember it anymore, and I remember everything perfectly.” Luna rolled her eyes. I smiled, and put a single finger on her forehead. Through that link I let her glimpse a millionth of my life. She immediately burst into tears, screaming.

“What did you do to her?!” Celestia demanded.

“I gave her a bit of perspective,” I whispered, taking my thumb off her. Her glimpse into my mind was lost, and with it the reason for tears. Her mind would be haunted for a while, but she wouldn’t know why. “All better, aren’t you deary?” I asked, stuffing a lollipop in her mouth. She spit it right out. I shrugged. “Eh, suit yourself. You want anything?” I asked Celestia. She shook her head. I resumed pacing. “So we have four terms. And you ponies even get a bit of something out of it. I’m sure you’ll think of a way to explain the magic to your ponies; it takes a lot of energy to use, and it’s hardly perfect, but you’ll figure all that out as we go.” I paused, both in my pacing and in my dialogue.

The silence stretched. Celestia finally broke it, “And?” she demanded.

I blinked. “Sorry, I also froze time in the maze outside. A bit of direct intervention was required with the two pegasi; of all the pony races ever created, those were the only ones to ever give me any trouble. Aside from you alicorns, of course… But I think I took care of that problem quite nicely.”

“You missed two of us!” Luna accused. “And look where that got you!”

“And why do you think I let two female alicorns go?” She didn’t have an answer to that. “Term five… This one is quite a favorite of mine, and I’m sure you’ll both agree. I’ll report everything I do to you, Celestia! Everything without a single real lie, unless you tell me not to write something down. Oh, I might leave some details out, some things that I’m sure you wouldn’t find important or interesting. I might not put down exactly how I feel in some cases, because that’s more of an opinion than something I did, but you know how it goes. If it makes you feel any better, your student doesn’t report everything to you either. She has quite a mind on her, she does… I could do all manner of things with it. She has quite the propensity for insanity.”

“But you won’t touch her if we agree to this little truce of yours.”

“I suppose we can make that a term, if you wish… Term six: I will not corrupt any minds using my magic. Unless they choose to follow me down the road, I suppose. Or after, when all this falls apart.”

“Falls apart?” Luna asked. Celestia just closed her eyes and whispered something that I wasn’t able to hear but was able to read off her mind.

“Old age will steal me away eventually,” I said. “If not old age, something will get me. Only I won’t die. Even with magic I should die, but I won’t. Someone will figure something out eventually. Which brings us to term seven: When it all falls apart, you two will take zero responsibility. We’ll have a mock battle and I’ll be stone again until I break free. I will use my magic to ensure this happens.”

“This seems… wrong, Celestia,” Luna whispered.

Celestia didn’t answer.

“Term eight: I will obey you both, as a loyal subject should.” I mockingly bowed. “Of course, I will happily make suggestions and there are orders that I might conveniently not hear. But if you—” I broke off.

Celestia gave off a smug smile. “Is my student giving you more trouble than you thought?”

I blinked my way back. “Your student has finished the labyrinth, actually. Her friends did not follow my rules. I just had to hide us all while I showed Twilight something she missed.” I shuddered. “One thing you two will also never understand: Being everywhere at once. The very air itself seethes with discordance! Sciences long forgotten in this world…” I saw them staring at me in confusion. “No matter. I think we were on my last term. Term nine. At any time you may pull the plug on this entire experiment. I go back to being full Discord with all my powers and you go back to being my enemy. And I will not go easy on you. I will dominate this world for so long that there will not be a living soul—dragon, pony, alicorn—that remembers what it was like before I ruled. Assuming you don’t win, of course.” The two sisters shared a look. I stopped in front of them. “But you know what the fun thing about that is?” They looked at me. “I’ll help you fight me!” The look on their faces was priceless.

“How could you help us fight yourself?” Luna asked.

“A good question,” I said, patting her on the head. She didn’t take it well. “A question which I will only answer if you accept my terms and the truce that accompanies it.”

“Celestia, he’s lying. You know what he is!”

I stood to my fullest height. “I will always lie. But when I give my word, when I tell a promise, I always keep it. Even you should remember that from our time together, back in the day.” I stooped back down.

“Surely you won’t consent to being a pony, though,” Celestia said. “What kind of disguise will you take?”

I beamed. “I thought you’d never ask!” I snapped my fingers and my form rapidly pulsated, changing, shrinking. When the form finally stopped, I stood before them, shorter than both by at least a few inches.

“What… what are you?” Luna finally asked, after they had both stared at me for nearly a minute.

“What creature is so horrible that could spawn something like Discord?” I asked in a voice not my own. “What is so mentally chaotic and so hate-filled that they could construct something as evil as I?”

“Nothing that I have ever seen,” Celestia finally said, after they shared a short look.

“Humans were the first sentient being on this planet. Ever. You can’t imagine how long ago that was. Think your lifetime. All of it. Imagine that thousands of times. Now millions of times. They thought they knew so much… They thought they were so wise… They had methods of war, of fighting, of killing, that rivaled anything I have seen since. I’ll admit, they produced a few souls that gave me a run for my money. But they always fell in the end, and when they did there was usually renewed violence. This form right here, this individual human shape, is the first one to ever call me into existence. Not the idea of discord, but the persona of Discord! I immortalized him for his crime. He’s in here,” I said, tapping my head, “seeing everything I see, everything I do. You think I am mad!” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Cain was definitely quite the character, that one. But no matter,” I said, snapping again and changing back to my form, “that is the form I will take if you agree. I’ll even give you the knowledge to change me around if, in the end, you don’t like that form.”

I put myself right back in front of Celestia. “So. You have heard my terms. I think they are a bit fair, personally. Hell, they give you a pretty big power over me.” I shrugged. “But I knew that is what it would take. So what do you say, Celestia? Friends?” I asked, holding out my hand. Her stone skin fell away and she flinched. She looked at my hand, biting her lower lip. She turned her head to look at Luna, who I had turned fully into stone as soon as I let Celestia go. “This is your choice to make, Princess. Your choice.”

A minute passed. Two. Finally, she slowly, hesitantly reached her hoof up to shake my hand. As soon as she touched me, she started turning back to stone. “Relax, Celestia, you can still hear me when you are fully stone. You just can’t ask questions.” She stared at me defiantly until she was completely covered. I let her hoof go.

“I promised you a few extra details,” I said. “I wasn’t lying. If you ever wish to pull the plug on this experiment, the words you must speak are, ‘Tractor sand blue burn.’ You must speak them in that order, with nothing in between.” I smiled, though I knew she couldn’t see me. “Now, you see, this is where things start getting interesting. If you recall, one of my terms was that no one could know of my existence here. Not a single living soul on this world. And the last time I checked, you and your sister were both quite alive. Oh, you’re currently incredibly stoned, but you are still alive. So when I snap my fingers again, you are both going to forget all about this talk.” I felt Celestia’s horror. “Yes, I know how you feel, my dear. But I also remember that you shook on it. And I think that you remember as well. And you want to know the hilarious thing?”

She didn’t answer. I continued, “Luna predicted this. Twilight would have predicted this. I’m pretty sure that a child would have predicted this, Celestia. Luna didn’t mention it because she thought you knew. Oh, if you had felt her horror when you shook my hand…” I chuckled, and wiped a fake tear out of my eyes. “So you’ll forget me. You’ll also forget the code words to end it. You’ll forget that you were given access to the magic. But you’ll still remember how to actually do the magic; I’m not stupid, no matter how much you think I am. Actually, I think I might put some of the magic in an old book for Twilight to find… That seems more humbling, in a way; let the student teach the mistress something.”

I felt Celestia’s mind shift. “Yes, yes, I’m getting to that. If you somehow remember how to unleash me and decide you wish to, how will I fight with you against myself?” I laughed again. “I think it’s somewhat ingenious, myself. You see, the only way you’ll remember those words is if I tell you what they are.” I felt the horror in her mind expand exponentially.

“So you understand, I see. Yes, I said I will help you fight against myself. So Discord will help Celestia fight against the human that is on Celestia’s side by telling her the words that will end the human’s existence. Discord tricks Celestia into fighting for him. And you’ll fall for it. I already foresee it. And do you know what else I foresee for you, Celestia?” The horror was still growing. “Remember term six of our agreement?” A single tear dropped from her stone face. “I corrupted one sister a few years ago when I wasn’t even able to move. You just bet your entire world that I won’t be able to corrupt the other one now.” I let that sink in for a minute before I snapped my fingers.

The world shifted. Time reversed itself right up to the point where I broke free again. Instead of breaking free, I just melted from the statue, leaving it intact and hollow. I ghosted invisibly across Equestria—across the entire world—whispering in a few minds and setting things up just the way I needed them. I told Celestia I wouldn’t use my magic to corrupt minds, but you don’t have to break someone to make them do what you want them to. All it takes is a bit of honeyed words and occasionally some lies.

I drove a pony nearly mad from loneliness.

I pushed the winds to severely injure a griffin when she collided with the ground.

I forced some filthy monsters to begin a migration.

I whispered into the mind of a unicorn, driving him across the lands in search of monsters that didn’t exist.

I drove a king mad.

I made a mugger go too far but step back from the abyss when it was almost too late.

I whispered jealous thoughts into the mind of a mare.

I drove narcissism so deeply into the mind of a pony that he would be broken if his body was harmed.

I gave an ancient dragon nightmares.

I drove a serpent mad from loneliness.

And I whispered the method of the spell needed to bring my puppet into existence to the mind of one Twilight Sparkle.

And while I was doing all of that, I was considering who to use as my little puppet. Yes, I say puppet. Ponies are simple creatures, truly. Playing with them as myself would be too easy. No, I needed a toy, a memory of a memory.

So I chose the only being I ever truly despised.

Besides, I could not come to the world with my own personality, as that would tip Celestia off immediately. There were many other problems, as well: The language was entirely different from anything any human had known. The atmosphere was so radically different that any human coming here would probably die almost immediately afterwards. The ponies would be reluctant to accept the human, due to his obvious status as a predator and due to how odd he was.

The man I had in mind was an interesting sort. Still young, so the ponies could eventually accept him. He had plenty of flaws, so they could (try to) teach him. He was plentifully intelligent, so he could survive in his new world.

And so it was decided. I grabbed the ancient personality from my mind, threw it into his young body, and got ready for the show of a lifetime.

Chapter Two—Blue Moon

Chapter Two—Blue Moon

Nothing much really happened in the following month. The ponies got used to seeing me around and eventually stopped flinching when I made sudden movements. Twilight started to let me out alone. God, that makes me sound like a pet… But it’s the truth. The ponies were afraid of me. Those that never talked to me, at least. After the lesson about Zecora, a lot of them seemed ready to talk, if not necessarily willing.

Spike’s birthday was a small high point, but I’m not much of a fan of parties like that. He almost had a fit when I told him to stop being a greedy asshole and dragged him away from trying to steal a ball as a ‘gift,’ but he got over it.

I also taught Pinkie all manner of human vegetarian recipes. I wasn’t able to remember most of them perfectly, and I wasn’t exactly a chef to begin with, but she was able to recreate all kinds of good stuff just from what I was able to remember. Enough that she was able to convince her employers—a husband and wife with the last name Cake—to offer them on the side instead of just having desserts. I don’t think they got very popular, but a lot of them did have a niche crowd that were willing to try new things.

Another minor point is that I started having horrible dreams about some weird, fucked up chimera. I don’t remember much about them other than the two… hands. One was a paw and the other was like a bird’s talons. It seemed as though the chimera wanted me to do… something, but I had no idea what. They were all jumbled and confused and yet, strangely horrifying.

The night Applejack and I got Rainbow Dash drunk was definitely quite an event. Admittedly, I could have easily ended the distillation process in a day rather than a month. I could have done that, but it risked poisoning our subject. As I said, this was my first time making booze. I would rather give myself a little bit of leeway should anything go wrong. And while I won’t say I didn’t test some of the brew myself, you can’t prove anything anyway, so shut up.

We decided to do it at the farm, as there would be fewer witnesses that way. Plus, Twilight wouldn’t yell at us for being grossly irresponsible.

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Rainbow Dash asked. “This was Applejack’s idea; why can’t she test it?”

“Because this is an experiment,” I answered. “And she’s helping me run it. It wouldn’t do for a scientist to test a product on himself and then expect to be able to properly study the effects.”

“Well, why is she helping you with this thing? I thought Twilight was the egghead!” she retorted.

“Because it’s my apples he’s using for the formula! It’s also my apples that’ll be making any more of this stuff, if we decide it’s okay after you try it. So hurry up and try it!”

“Now, a few disclaimers before we start,” I said. “First, do not try to fly if you do get drunk. I cannot stress this enough. Do not fly! I don’t know how this will affect you. I will tie your wings to your body if you start trying to fly. Second, I don’t know how much of this it’ll take to make you drunk. So we’ll go with P for plenty. Third, if you need to, aim for the bucket. Fourth, don’t blame me when you wake up.”

“Wait, what were those last two?” she asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get started!” I passed her the first bucket of applejack and she hesitantly started drinking.

“Hey, this isn’t that bad!” With that, she started at it with a bit more gusto. The first bucket quickly emptied and I passed her the second one. “It’s got a bit of a kick to it, though.” She shuddered for a moment before starting on the second. She finished it and reached for a third, but I stopped her.

“Let’s see how you handle what you’ve drunk, first,” I said. She was putting this stuff down. I was hoping I’d have enough left over for a personal stash, but if she could handle too much more, I might not.

“Alright, I guess…” She took a step and immediately fell on her ass.

“So it turns out ponies can get drunk. One bucket was probably enough… Interesting.”

While I was noting my results and Applejack was laughing, Rainbow Dash was struggling to get up. “I mushta tripped on shometin’. Stupid farm.” This was punctuated with another attempt at walking that somehow flipped her on her back. Now that just shouldn’t be possible.

“Slurred speech, trouble walking, impaired thinking… Well Applejack, we got Rainbow Dash drunk. Very drunk.”

“What happens if she tries to fly?” Applejack asked. “Think she might get hurt?”

“If she tried to fly, the moniker Rainbow Crash would be very appropriate. As to her getting hurt? Well, I think she has bones of steel. You and I have both seen her make crash landings that would kill a human, but she just shrugs them off.” Titanium might be more appropriate, with the speed she flies.

“Well, what can we really do to her in this state?” Applejack asked. “I mean, it is funny watching her stumble about and fall, but we get to see her do that every day.”

“Well, another stickling point about alcohol is that it supposedly lowers inhibitions. A lot. If you have any male ponies you want to play a great prank on, we could sic Rainbow Dash on them now and she might try to flirt with them. We just have to be ready to step in, in case it gets out of hand. Or we could play truth or dare with her to get her to do something funny or stupid or get some secrets out of her. As drunk as she is, it is improbable that she’ll remember much in the morning.”

“Yer saying she won’t remember any of this?” she asked with a gleam in her eye.

“She probably won’t remember any of this.”

“Keep her here. Imma go get Big Macintosh! This is gonna be great!”

I feel that I should point out that, despite my mandate, Rainbow Dash was trying to fly. I emphasize trying. I was watching her with some interest during the previous conversation and noticed, much to my amusement, that she couldn’t flap her wings in unison. When Applejack left, I walked up to her.

“H-how are you flying? You don’t have any wings!” she yelled at me, perhaps thinking her imagined rustling wind would somehow steal her words.

“Special human trick,” I winked. “Don’t tell the others. It’s my trump card.” I love playing with drunk people. “I know you’re probably not very lucid right now, but how are you feeling?” I asked her, ready to write down a response. Truth be told, I don’t know why I was really bothering to record any of that. I already knew exactly what Twilight would say when she learned what we did.

“How am I feeling?” she slurred. “I’m the greatest flier ever and I’m going full speed through the skies! How do you think I feel? It’s amazing!” Subject feels elation and is having delusions. Interesting…

Our conversation continued much the same, until Applejack came back leading a large red stallion. I’m neither gay nor into bestiality, so I can’t tell you if he was handsome or not. I did know, however, that as boozed up as she was, I honestly don’t think it would matter to Rainbow Dash.

After patting Dash on the side, I walked over to where Applejack stopped with Big Macintosh. “Did Applejack tell you why we needed you?” I asked him.

“Nope,” he replied.

“Hm. Applejack, would you kindly go entertain Rainbow Dash for a sec? I’ll explain the experiment to him.”

“He don’t need to know nothing to do this, other than that he needs to go flirt with her!” she retorted.

“Wh—” Macintosh started.

“Humor me, please,” I told her. “I really should tell him what’s going on.” She acquiesced with a few grumbles, but she finally went to occupy Rainbow Dash’s interest—in more ways than one, as it turned out.

Big Macintosh just looked at me. I guess he doesn’t talk much.

“I’m testing a human drug on her. Basically, it lowers her inhibitions so she’ll do things she wouldn’t normally do. It’s only temporary, so I would like to test the effects while I still can. We’ve tested a few things already, but we haven’t tested her social inhibitions. That’s where you come in. If you could do some casual flirting and see how far you can get her, that would be a big help. She probably won’t remember anything tomorrow and if she does we’ll just tell her it was part of the experiment.”

“You want me to take advantage of her?” Longest sentence out of him yet.

“Don’t worry about that. Applejack and I will be watching the entire time. We’ll step in if things go too far or don’t appear to be going at all. If you don’t trust me, you should be able to trust your sister.”

He sighed and shrugged. “Eeyup.”

“Great! Oh, and try to make sure she doesn’t either manage to fly or try to run off. Now, go tell your sister to come back and start up a conversation. Do whatever it is that male ponies do to attract female ponies.” I’d fucking burst out laughing if he displays himself like a peacock. He looked at me dubiously, but did as I asked.

When Applejack got back, I could see that she was trying hard not to laugh. “Oh, this is gonna be great!”

“Remember, not a word to the others,” I said. “I sure as hell don’t want to get in trouble for this. If anything goes bad, we blame Spike and hope we get off scot free.”

“Why Spike?”

“Because I had his help making the brew. He doesn’t know what plan we had for it, but he does know what it does. He almost blew half the lab up, with us in it, before I managed to get his mouth shut…”

We made more casual small talk as we watched Big Macintosh work his manly magic. Sadly, we were too far off to hear what they were saying, but we could see their reactions. Eventually our talk tapered off as we just watched. Macintosh was obviously uncomfortable, but it didn’t look like Rainbow Dash noticed much. We could hear the too-loud drunken laughter from where we were.

“I’m willing to take that as a sign the experiment was a success,” I said. “Think we should call it off now, before we risk it going too far?”

“Naw, not yet. Big Macintosh… he doesn’t get into town much, doesn’t have much practice with the mares. This might give him some confidence.”

“What works on a drunken Rainbow Dash probably won’t work on most mares, but if you think it’ll help, we can wait and see. I will cut it off if I think it’s going too far.”

As it turns out, I didn’t have to. Big Macintosh did it himself, motioning us forward. We met him halfway.

“Don’t ask me to do that again,” Big Mac said. He was a very big pony. One that I didn’t like the idea of screwing with.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I have no plans to make more of the drug. It is dangerous if not controlled.” I looked pointedly at Applejack as I said that last bit. “How did your… conversation… go?”

“You were right about her inhibitions being lowered. You were wrong about needing a stallion.” With that, he walked away. Well, there’s another suspicion confirmed.

I looked at Applejack. “Not a word to anyone. Let’s hope she doesn’t remember this…”

Whatever she said in reply was lost as I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash stumble forward and not get up. Apparently, she finally passed out. I ran up to check on her, making sure her head wasn’t facing up.

“What’s wrong with her?” Applejack yelled, trotting up.

“She just passed out. That’s a common side effect of too much alcohol. She should wake up in the morning with a splitting headache. I don’t know if horses can throw up, but if you can she probably will. She’ll need several buckets of water, too. If you have either an empty bed or an empty hay stack in the barn, I can stay the night and make sure she’s fine in the morning.”

“Do you wanna just… leave her here? That seems a mite bit dangerous.”

“If you want to move her anywhere, we could. You’d just have to carry her the whole way. I know I’m not strong enough to lift up one of you ponies. She probably would recuperate better without the sun in her eyes when she wakes up.”

“Maybe I wasn’t clear. Wherever she sleeps is where we’ll be sleeping.”

“Well, toss her over your shoulder or something and we can get her ass inside. Hey, maybe you can put her in your bed and mess with her when she wakes up.”

“Ah, shoot! That’d be real funny, but I ain’t willing to risk it. She might get upset,” she said, lifting the lazy blue horse up and unceremoniously tossing her over her shoulder.

And into the warm house the three of us went, Dash already starting to snore in her probably uncomfortable position.

Later that night, I found myself pacing around Applejack’s farm. It was a typical fall night, colder than an ex-wife’s heart, but it was much preferable to trying to fight sleep and the nightmares in the warm house. I was cresting a hill, wondering what might be causing them, when I heard a slight whooshing sound and a louder crunch of broken leaves behind me.

Without turning, I said, “Nice night. Bit cold, though. Way too cold to be flying, I’d say.”

There was a small silence, what I assumed was shock. Then, deciding to play my game, an unsure, feminine voice replied, “Aye, ‘tis a bit cold. Though the beautiful night makes the flight worth it…”

“Shame we have a new moon. I would love to see this area in the moon’s light.”

“We don’t know about that. The stars are light enough and there are many activities one could hide in the dim light of a new moon.” We?

“Many activities, many of which are illegal. And my lady, I am no thief, unless you find yourself wanting a heart stolen.” Maaaan, I didn’t know how much I would come to regret saying that.

“Oh? We seest thou walking away from a farmhouse near a forest of evil, late at night—a night thou thyself said is darker from a new moon. Thou art also a creature of a like which we have never seen before. ‘Tis a feat most difficult. Thou may not be a thief, but thou do appear to be fleeing. What dark scene will we see if we return to the house thou leaveth behind?”

I turned at this, thinking her question was an insult. In the darkness, I could see nothing of her but a silhouette, however. For some reason, it was a moving silhouette. She appeared to be a dark pegasus with some kind of strangely moving hair. But when she shifted her head, I saw a glimmer of a horn and gasped. I am rarely speechless, but I have to admit I was incredibly surprised at running into one of the princesses.

“Don’t worry, Navarone. Our sister told us about thee. We know what thou art.”

I could only mumble something, still too surprised to do much else.

“Everypony we’ve met seems to have the same reaction to us. Are we truly so terrifying?”

“Surprising is more like it,” I finally managed to say. “I wasn’t expecting to find one of the princesses of the realm out in the middle of an orchard late at night. Alone, at that.”

“We are hardly alone, Navarone. We simply left our escort back a ways, since they seem so often to drive ponies away in fear. We don’t know why… We are their princess! They should trust us!” she finished in a booming voice, making me wince.

“Well, it might have something to do with the loud voice, or your use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I.’ Now, I don’t know how fashions go, here, but I don’t imagine such things are still terribly popular.”

“Tradition demands it!” she continued in her booming voice. “The only reason we stooped to thy casual speak is because thou initiated it.”

“Traditions change. Why stick to an outdated system when it makes your subjects uncomfortable?”

“Why should we be forced to change to their desires? We are royalty!”

I hope Equestria doesn’t have executioners… “Because you can force obedience, but not love or loyalty. You can make your people obey you, but you can’t make them love you. Forcing them to adapt to traditions older than any of their memories will not endear them to you.”

She stood to her tallest height, which put her head a few inches over mine. Enough for her to think she had some manner of intimidation effect, I suppose; however, the only thing I was afraid of was her magic, or perhaps her ability to order me killed. “Thou art insolent! Disrespectful! And…” she said, lowering her head a bit and dropping the booming effect, “...correct, we fear. We—I—have visited a few small townships, here and there. Usually late at night, and during festivals or some such. They flee at the sight of us—my escort and I.”

“You also have to remember that until a few months ago, you were sort of their biggest boogeyman. No matter how hard you try, most ponies will take some manner of time to get used to you.”

“And yet th—you—seem fine with us—me. Dost thine heart hold no fear?”

“Not hardly. I just wasn’t around when you were to be feared. As far as I’m concerned, you were always Princess Luna. Though I do have to admit, I am very honestly surprised to see you. What would bring you here, now?”

“We had heard that thou were plagued with doubts and we thought we could perhaps assist. But truly, ‘twas mostly happenstance that found us together this night. When we found that thou weren’t in the library, we decided to go flying, for exercise. ”

“Sounds fun, I guess. If I was born with wings, I’d probably fly a lot, too.”

Her eyes looked confused for a second. “Fun? What is this... fun?”

“You don’t…” How the hell can you not know what fun is? “Huh. Have you ever played a game or performed in some manner of competition?”

She shook her head. “Such is not for royalty, Navarone. What if we were to lose?”

“Fun comes from the risk of loss or failure. Winning is all well and good, but what’s the point of even trying if you already know you’ll come out on top? I understand that a princess isn’t supposed to be inferior than a subject at anything, but the truth of the matter is that you’ll never be the best at everything.”

She paused for a moment. “Tell me more about this… fun, then.”

“Uh… Well, take the prank a friend and I just pulled on another friend. Got her drunk off her ass. She was doing all manner of funny things: Flapping her wings out of sync, falling on her face every time she tried to walk, slurring her speech and falling for anything you told her. She told us some interesting things she didn’t want anyone to know. Some might consider it mean, but after some of her pranks it’s fair to say she deserves a big doozy to get back at her. It’s all in good fun.”

“I don’t know why a pony was riding a donkey, but none of what you said really sounds that… entertaining.”

I waved my hand. “It’s situational. You wouldn’t know Rainbow Dash, so it doesn’t make as much sense. That’s the only real story I have from this world; I’ve been trapped in a library for most of a month, since so few of the ponies trust me.”

“We—Celestia and I—could give out a royal edict declaring you to be a true royal subject, not to be feared. You are safe, correct?”

“I see no reason to hurt someone if they haven’t done anything to me. Nothing to gain from it. But no, keep your edicts. I might be able to walk freely around town, but that won’t mean I won’t be looked at crosswise. If they can’t learn to trust me themselves, no amount of royalty will ever change their minds.”

She snorted. “Things have changed. I was never as loved as Celestia, but nor was I ever this feared. And if ponies can’t even trust royal announcements, what can they trust?”

“They can trust friends. If you were to get to know some of your people, they would likely trust you more.”

She opened up with her booming voice again, “They always flee before they can know us! How can we make friends if they do not meet us halfway?”

I can practically feel the headsman’s axe. “You are hardly meeting them halfway, with that voice. Just being there isn’t enough. You have to participate, mingle. Stopping with that mind-shattering voice might help, as I have already said. No one likes being yelled at. Go to a festival or public event and ask—politely—if you can play some games or something. Hell, I think there’s some manner of festival going on in Ponyville in a few weeks. I’m sure no one would mind if you showed up, as long as you honestly tried to meet them halfway.”

She dropped the booming. “And what, pray tell, would that include?” she asked, her voice grating.

“No yelling. Try not to use archaic grammar or the royal we. Act like a person trying to make friends rather than a princess.”

“And how does a… person go about making friends?”

“Fuck all if I know. I just sort of fell into most of mine. If you met me outside of town, I could bring Twilight or one of the other relatively normal ponies to meet you. You’ll receive a much better hearing if you’re in their company.”

“Tell me about this festival, then.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know much about it. From what I’ve heard, it’s analogous to my people’s Halloween. That means there will be costumes and candy and ‘scary’ stuff. I was planning on spending all night with Rainbow Dash, pulling pranks and scaring the shit out of people, but helping you seems like a more noble cause.”

She gave me a somewhat stern and very womanly look for that. I shrugged. “Tell me where to meet you, then, Navarone,” she said. “We will learn more about this festival and we might meet you there when the sun sets.”

The only landmark outside of town that I really knew very well was Fluttershy’s humble home. I told her where it was. “The pony that lives there is… well, ‘coward’ doesn’t begin to cover it. If you can befriend her, you can befriend anyone. We used her to prove to the ponies in town that I’m not a monster. That helped a lot, but it wasn’t enough to fully gain their trust.”

“And this pony, she will give me a fair chance?”

“She gave me one and I look a lot more like a villain than you do. I’ll warn her you’re coming, so it shouldn’t be much of a shock.”

“Where can we find you if I wish to discuss this ahead of time?”

“I don’t sleep all that well, so there’s a better than even chance I’ll be sitting in Twilight’s library, reading some manner of book. It’s the large tree near the middle of Ponyville. You are welcome to come by at any time, as far as I’m concerned. We might have to go on a walk, though, to avoid waking Twilight or Spike up.”

“We are more comfortable with the open sky above our head.” She flinched, realizing what she had said. “This… new dialect will take some getting used to.”

“As long as you are making an effort to change, I’m sure most ponies will be fine. Some might be confused, but whatever.”

“What do you have in mind for if this plot fails? Or perhaps makes things worse?”

“I’ll figure something out. I’m good at dealing with chaos. Or if I can’t do it, I’m sure Twilight can. Her plans are generally too meticulous to fail, as long as she has time enough in which to execute it properly.” As I later found out, that was about as bad a lie as any I could come up with.

“I will take your assurance on this matter, then, Navarone. Until we meet again.” She spread her wings wide and jumped straight into the air. Another thing we need to work on: her iciness.

The rest of that night passed mostly uneventfully, with the exception of nearly twisting my ankles in some of the ruts worked into the farmland.

Morning found me curled up in the guest bed Applejack designated for me. When I asked her about the shitload of rooms she had, she mentioned something about having room for harvest. We were busy lugging an unconscious pegasus at the time, so I wasn’t really paying much attention.

Knowing how Applejack feels about her apples and her trees, she probably stores the apples in those rooms and puts them to bed during harvest. Why else she would need such a large farmhouse for four ponies is beyond me.

Knowing nothing about the house other than the way in and out, I just laid back and waited. With my luck, I would have wound up in someone else’s room, or seeing something I shouldn’t see. I don’t know, a sacrificial altar to the apple gods or something. Not long after I woke up, I heard someone bustling about below. It was a farmhouse, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that people were up early.

Now, what did surprise me was an assault by a blur of yellow fur that coalesced into a small pony called Applebloom. This was Applejack’s little sister, a little filly always looking for a way to get her Cutie Mark, which is a tattoo ponies get on their ass that marks their lot in life. Sounds too confining to me, and I’ve mentioned that to some of the ponies, but none of them seem to agree.

Anyway, I had met Applebloom a few times before and each time she seemed to be trying some new harebrained scheme with two friends. They tried dragging me in once… But they relented when I told them they were too small to be Amazon warrior ponies.

“Get up, sleepy head!” she yelled at me, pouncing on my bed.

“I am awake, pipsqueak. Who else is up? I heard someone else moving around.”

“I ain’t gonna tell you. You gotta tell me what you did to Rainbow Dash, first. She isn’t awake yet, but she looks awful…”

“Rainbow Dash helped us with an experiment. I don’t suggest being around when she wakes up. It will be… unpleasant.”

“What did you do to her?”

“Ask your sister. If she thinks you should know, she’ll tell you. As it stands, I don’t. I will tell you this, though: Don’t look to get your cutie mark that way, since that was an experiment we won’t be repeating.”

“Awww… You old ponies take all the fun out of everything!” Not quite a pony, but whatever.

“If you knew some of the things I considered fun, you wouldn’t be so sad about that. Anyway, who else is awake?”

“Just Big Macintosh and me, so far. And you, I guess. Applejack is usually awake by now; I don’t know why she’s still asleep.”

“Let her sleep, I say. I’ll probably wander off to Rainbow Dash’s room in a bit. She’ll wake up feeling terrible, disoriented, and confused, which is not a good combination for someone that can fly Sanic fast like her.”

“Don’t you want breakfast? I helped make it!”

Remembering stories I had heard about her, I somewhat ungraciously declined. “Religious reasons. Can’t eat this early in the morning.”

“What’s… religious?”

“…Never mind.”

A few hours later found me and Applejack in front of a finally stirring Rainbow Dash.

“Remember, talk quietly,” I whispered. “She’ll probably hurt enough.” Applejack nodded, a smile on her face.

Rainbow Dash groaned, tried to open her eyes, saw the glare of the sun, and immediately forced them shut. She croaked, “What… what happened? Everything hurts…”

“Mornin’, sunshine!” Applejack boomed. Rainbow Dash winced and I glared at Applejack. She just smiled and whispered, “Couldn’t help it…”

“Anyway,” I said quietly, “the experiment was a success. And we’ll never do that again. We’ll talk about it later after you feel a bit better. We’ve arranged some things that’ll help you. Namely, a few empty buckets and some buckets of water. Drink all the water you can hold, then drink some more. Come down when you stop feeling like death. Until then, call if you need anything.”

“Yeah, we’ll send Big Macintosh to help you…” Applejack teased.

“Why would you send him? This whole mess is your fault,” Rainbow Dash replied.

“So she doesn’t remember! This’ll be fun!” Applejack said.

“Don’t remember what?” Rainbow Dash groaned.

Before Applejack could respond, I said, “Rainbow Dash, recuperate. Stop talking unless it’s important. And do your best not to think, as that will make it hurt worse. The water will help.” Applejack and I started walking to the door.

“Wait, remember what? What did I—” That last was cut off by the closing door.

“That was mean,” I said.

“Maybe, but it was also funny!”

“You raise a good point.”

After another awkward wait, spent with both of us being pestered by Applebloom, Rainbow Dash tenderly extricated herself from her room.

The first thing she said: “Never. Again.” The second thing she said: “Seriously. Never again.” The third: “Now, what happened? I don’t remember anything after getting to the farm!”

“Nothing much,” I told her. “We tested your ability to talk and to think rationally, we let Macintosh flirt with you, we let you try to fly, and we let you try to walk. You weren’t able to fly or walk, and your attempts were very humorous. Your speech was slurred, and your mind wandered a lot.”

“Wait, what was that second one?” she asked.

“We let you try to fly. Your head is still probably fuzzy. I’m certain it hurts.”

“I don’t think that’s what you said… Did you really let—”

“And now you’re being paranoid. Applejack, mark it down as another symptom, would you?” She pretended to write something down, which is interesting, as she has no thumbs. Or paper. Or a pencil…

Rainbow Dash gave us the oddest look I’ve ever seen. I swear she thought we were retarded at that point. We both looked back as innocently as we could.

“…So when can I leave?” she finally asked.

“If you really feel up to flying, you can leave whenever. Just be careful. The bright light will be painful and disorienting at first. Thanks for your help.”

“You’re not welcome. I still don’t know why you had to have me for this experiment!”

“We had to have you because Twilight or Rarity would be too dangerous with their magic, Fluttershy would be too afraid to take the risk, and Pinkie Pie would be very, very, very scary if she got drunk. I’ve heard your stories about her manic depressive states. Alcohol could seriously unbalance her.”

“Then you better not be making any more of this stuff,” she said. “Especially if it’s as popular at parties as you say.”

“Don’t worry. I have no intentions of making more,” I lied.

“Good. I’ll see you both later.” With that, she walked out and very unsteadily took off.

“I feel like we should feel guilty for this,” I said.

“Nah. She wasn’t permanently hurt.”

“We did sort of accidentally make her reveal a secret she didn’t want to.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like it’ll hurt her. I mean, I ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”

“And I can’t do much with it. Not that I even would, but still.”

“I reckon you’ll get used to us eventually,” she said with a smirk. “Now, I gotta get ta work. And I’m sure Twilight’s probably wondering what’s taking you so long.”

“Yeah. She’s a cruel taskmistress. I’ll see you later, Applejack.” We parted company soon after. I didn’t mention Luna’s visit to her.

Upon learning about my experiment, if not all the results, Twilight was not overly pleased. She knew, of course, that I was planning something, but she did not know what and against whom.

“She could have been hurt!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, she could have. However, even your experiments with magic run a risk of hurting someone. Like, y’know, me. But I’ve heard stories, back where I came from, of people getting horses drunk. I must admit, the truth of it was a lot funnier than the stories were. Though maybe that’s just because my experiment was on a sapient being…”

“This isn’t a joke, you know! She really could have been hurt!”

“You already said that and I already admitted that you are correct. What’s done is done, though. And at least now I know where I won’t be starting a life in this new world. Not like you ponies need booze anyway. I can’t imagine many of you having terrible things in your past you want to forget.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

“I know. But I stand by it. I’m more interested in what happened after, anyway.”

“Oh? And what could have been interesting enough to take your mind off your ‘valuable experiment’?”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash had already passed out by then. I was walking around the fields when Princess Luna dropped by and started talking to me.”

“Princess Luna!?” Twilight gasped in surprise. “What was she doing out there?”

“Looking for someone to talk to. She thought I was one of her subjects. Which I guess, in a way, I am now. Anyway, we got to talking. She’s very lonely, apparently. I invited her here to talk to me, if she’s ever in the neighborhood and I’m still awake. I also invited her to the festival coming up in a few weeks. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all! Though… it seems weird to have a princess coming by to visit. Shouldn’t we prepare everypony? Or formally greet her, as a princess deserves?”

“Nah. I mean, you could. But I don’t care too much about titles or shit like that. She may be a princess, but to me she’s just a lonely person that needs someone to talk to. The dark stuff she did in the past alienated her from the entire pony community, aside from her sister. I wasn’t around when any of that stuff happened, so I can honestly talk to her with no feeling of fear or residual mistrust. She needs some way to make friends and meet her subjects. I figured this party thing would be a decent way to do that. We might have to help her a bit, though, since her speech patterns haven’t changed in a thousand years. She uses archaic grammar and occasionally lapses into a booming voice.”

“Well, of course Princess Luna is welcome here, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully we can help her get more acclimated to how things work now. You’ll have to tell me more about your plans for the Nightmare Night Festival.”

“It’s called what.” That didn’t come out as a question.

Twilight saw it as a question, of course. Any chance to explain some obscure tradition was good in her books. The festival was, as I said, analogous to Halloween. The added bit was that not dressing up would cause Nightmare Moon to come and eat you, or something. Near the end of the night, some of the candy each child collected was donated as a sacrifice to a Nightmare Moon statue or something.

Now, anyone reading this should be able to see a bit of a problem here. Luna was coming to this festival dedicated to being afraid of her alternate personality. I tried explaining this dilemma to Twilight.

“She’s not Nightmare Moon anymore, Nav,” was the answer. “And we’ll be able to help her prepare for the visit when she meets us at Fluttershy’s home. Which was a good choice, by the way, if what you say about Princess Luna’s voice is true. Fluttershy can help her learn to speak gently. It’ll be fine, Nav. And you made the right choice, inviting her.”

I shrugged, sighing. “Too late to recall the invite anyway. I quite like having my head attached to the rest of my body.”

“That’s the spirit!” Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have taught her gallows humor. “Now, care to help me and Spike with some chores?”

I’ll be the first to admit: I was surprised when Princess Luna actually did come by. I was more surprised that it was the first night after the offer. I said as much as I reached up to grab my coat for a walk.

“We had a bit of free time,” she explained. “There’s not much to rule over when the kingdom is sleeping. If there was any real emergency, the courtiers would rather wake my sister than bring it to us, anyway,” she continued with more than a little bitterness.

It was quite a chilly night, as befitted the cool season. A pale mist greeted every word. The weak street lights barely lit the road, while the nearly empty moon reflected gently off the glass windows. It was a night the likes of which I had rarely greeted back on my world.

“Surely you could deal with a big incident just as well as your sister. You’ve both spent a long time ruling, despite your small hiatus. Besides, anyone with a small lick of common sense can dictate orders around. What takes the skill is carrying them out. Though maybe that’s just bias from living so long in a democratic system.”

“Democracy… We read a mention of that in one of Twilight’s letters about you, but she didn’t go into detail.”

“It is a form of government by the people,” I said as we passed by an eerily lit Carousel Boutique. Looks like Rarity picked up too many orders again. “The people are allowed to vote on the issues, and whoever they want to rule them. There is a very big problem with a democracy, however. It allows the majority complete control. If the majority of people decided, for example, to ban reading because they don’t like it, the minority has no power to stop it. That is why my people created the idea of a republic.”

We were passing Sugarcube Corner at that point, the bakery at which Pinkie worked. “Such a building would not have existed a thousand years ago,” Luna commented, looking at it. “We had… bigger concerns than fitting themes to a simple bakery.”

“It’s a bit more than a bakery, but that’s understandable. It does look rather off, though not as bad as Rarity’s shop that we passed a few minutes ago.”

“Hm… Continue your explanation, please.”

I shrugged and thought of where I left off. After a second, I continued, “A republic is a democracy with limits. Everyone has certain rights that cannot be taken from them. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of the press, stuff like that. People elect a small number of representatives to vote on issues that just about anyone can put forward. No one can put into action anything that denies anyone any of the unalienable rights, however.”

She stopped, looking toward the park we were passing. My gaze joined her as we watched a couple holding each other on a bench, peering up at the stars. “Another thing that would not have occurred…” she whispered, looking away. “If it had, I wouldn’t have…”

“Things have definitely changed,” I said, nodding. “You’ll probably find more ponies awake at night now than ever before.”

“I might have to… explore, then.”

“I suggest the cities. If they’re anything like they are where I came from, they’ll have an extremely active nightlife with parties and all kinds of fun stuff.”

“That is something to consider.” She started walking yet again. “Are you done with your explanation, then?”

My feet joined her hooves in their slow walk down the cobbled roads of Ponyville. “Not quite, but mostly. It’s a very historically based concept.” I took a second to think before nodding and starting again, “It was a system designed by a people that had been abused by a monarchy. It allows for the changing of leaders every certain number of years, with systems in place if that leader needs to be removed sooner. I have thought long and hard on it, and can see no reason ponies would ever need such a system, or any way to make it applicable here anyway.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Everyone here has an assigned role in life. They may pick it themselves, but it will be something they will always be able to do. This includes the leaders. Why would ponies need to vote in new leaders if the only leaders they get are specifically born to lead? And why would they need a new ruler if the ones they have are wonderful, eternal, and benevolent? It’s a perfect system that couldn’t exist on my world.”

“I see. So why bring it up at all?”

“I mentioned it to Twilight, or maybe Spike, before I knew much about your people. And then you asked about it. I was merely doing my civic duty and informing my princess about a matter of which she was ignorant.” She didn’t seem overly enthusiastic about my answer, for whatever reason, so I decided to change the subject. “Do your feet get cold in the weather, or do the hooves protect them well?”

“I’m very used to the cold. Remember, I spent a thousand years on the moon.”

“That hardly answered my question, Princess.”

“Yes, my hooves do get cold. I imagine yours do as well, with that strange protection or not.”

“Back where I come from, we don’t get much cold weather. Hell, it rarely dips below freezing. No one here knows how to make human shoes, so I’m forced to wear the warm weather shoes I had back home. I’m freezing.”

“Then shouldst thou not be inside?” she impassively asked. “There is less chill to be found there.”

“Hey, what happened to learning how to speak modernly?” I asked with a smile, once more trying to change the subject.

“Is that building there a schoolhouse?” she asked, pointing to what was, indeed, a school.

“Yeah. I think the teacher’s name is Cheerilee.”

“Hm. Yet another thing that’s different. There was no public education before. It’s… strange to find that it is now.”

“I can imagine. So again, what happened to speaking modernly?”

She snorted and asked, “Are all humans this stubborn? Or does that dubious honor go to thee?” I lifted an eyebrow at her. “To you, then.”

“Nah, it’s all men that are this stubborn. Or at least, when we know we’re right. Which is usually, since we usually are right.”

She harrumphed.

“Oh, and I had a question for you, by the way,” I said. “I heard one of Twilight’s friends talking about Princess Celestia having a nephew. If you were trapped on the moon for a thousand years, how does that work out? Or is he also really old?”

“She runs an adoption agency. I don’t know why they all started calling her Auntie Celestia, but she decided not to stop it, so they all became her nieces and nephews. That said, there aren’t that many orphans in Equestria, so not many go through her agency.”

“That clears that up. I was thinking there had to be a third sister no one ever mentioned.”

We walked in silence for a bit, before she asked, “Did you leave anypony important to you behind on your world?”

Where did that come from? Oh, this could end poorly… “Just family. I never made many friends. If my school wasn’t so small, I’m sure my disappearance wouldn’t have even been noticed, other than the sudden lack of something not being a complete sarcastic dick to the teachers. The only thing I was known for at my school was my scathing and dark wit, directed at anyone that made themselves an enemy. To be quite honest, I consider the spell that brought me here a kindness to the world I left behind, though even now I’d still prefer to be home.”

“And what of us, then? Do you consider yourself such a blight on our kind?”

“To be honest, yes, but in a different way. I am a corrupting influence on your people. I try not to be, but much of what I say drives people to think, and many of those thoughts aren’t always pleasant. I make people think about things from my world, about the problems I left behind, rather than to the peaceful setting that is their own world. This could help some of the common ponies grow more mature, but they have no reason to mature. It’s… strange, having so few people I can truly talk to anymore for fear of saying the wrong thing. I want the ponies to continue living in relative harmony with their world, which might be difficult should I truly attempt to befriend some of them. But I imagine that my problems are of little interest to a princess.”

“You told me that I should befriend my subjects, Navarone. That I should care for them and their concerns. You are now one of my subjects, are you not? So we should and do care about thy concerns and problems. You are free to tell me all that you wish, Navarone.”

I snorted. “Looks like I’ll be a bad influence on you, then. My problems are my own, Princess. I shouldn’t have even said anything.”

She stopped in her tracks. It took me a second to realize she wasn’t walking next to me. When I did, I turned to face her. “Navarone, that is a poor decision to make,” Luna said. “You know of my past, of Nightmare Moon. That entity was born from my silence, from allowing my concerns and problems to eat away at me with no release. Wouldst thou truly risk such a fate for thyself? And risk the harm thou might inflict upon others? Twilight’s letters of you speak of many things, but none mention selfishness. Your problems are your own, but there are many who would be willing to share them.”

“And you’re one of them?”

“Yes, Navarone. I am one of them.”

I looked away, not wanting to meet her determined gaze. “I’ll think about it. Talking like that would be… new to me.”

“Think quickly, then,” she said, beginning once more to walk. I fell in at her side as the two of us slowly padded through the dark streets of the town.

“So I learned more about the festival,” I said after around a minute of silence. She tilted her head to indicate she was listening as I told her what I knew about the coming holiday.

She listened in silence. When I finished, I could tell she wanted to use her booming voice to show some form of anger, but forced herself quiet. “We did not expect this,” was her first response. “But then, we were also a villain for a good while…” She sighed. “We are not surprised. I am not surprised. Disappointed, perhaps, but not surprised. I suppose I shall find friends elsewhere than in this little town.”

She raised her wings to go. “Hold on, Princess,” I said. She stopped, looking at me. “You aren’t Nightmare Moon. You are Princess Luna. This festival isn’t about you. It is about what you were, not who you are. You should take this as a chance to prove that you’re better than the legends make you out to be.”

“We—I—will think about it. Thank you, Navarone.” She took off.

Could have gone worse, I guess.

Since Luna was too much of a drama queen to even walk me home, I did the job myself, quickening my steps so I could get back to the warm embrace of the tree house. Since most of what we did was just a circuit around the town, it didn’t take me long to get back. When I quietly opened the door and let myself back in, a rather blushed Twilight walked down the stairs to greet me.

“How did your date go?” she asked, a strange hitch in her voice.

“That’s… ew. First, she’s a princess. Second, she’s a horse. Third, I barely even know her. And finally, why are you all blushed?”

When I mentioned her face, the red stain across it spread even farther. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

I furrowed my brow, looking more closely at her. Every part of her body seemed rather tense and her tail was held low against her. “...Are you feeling alright?” I asked.

“Just tired! I was uh… staying up to make sure you got back! Yep, that’s what I was doing, alright!” Can you be any more obviously lying?

“Uh huh. Well, I’m back. You can go to bed now.”

“Right.” She didn’t move for a few seconds, and we just stared at each other. “Oh yeah, bed!” Her horn lit up and she suddenly disappeared, going who knows where else.

“Ponies are fucking weird,” I sighed to myself, shaking my head. “Now… What to do until I fall asleep?”

Chapter Fifteen—No good deed goes unpunished

Author's Note

https://docs.google.com/document/d/11NNnuEI6Nm71wctjUtAAULDYN_YqqshGXg3KE-oFzpA/edit

Chapter Fifteen—No good deed goes unpunished

Chapter Fifteen—No good deed goes unpunished

A few weeks later, to show that even in winter I can’t get a break, a letter from Princess Celestia arrived. It wasn’t a particularly nice letter, either: It detailed her knowledge about what happened at the naga camp, though not her sources for such knowledge.

It was a summons to Canterlot. There wasn’t a fan in my world large enough to contain the shit I thought was about to hit.

The letter detailed that it would be in my best interest to accompany the guard that was coming the next day to pick me up, and that not doing so would be a rather large mistake. I was very tempted to cheese it, but if she knew what happened with the naga camp, what else did she know?

So I made my excuses the following day and went with the guard she sent for me. I could have done a lot, but I figured there were several good excuses I could use to get out of any punishment. I’m somewhat decent at getting out of things, when I really need to be.

I did make a decided point not to bring any manner of weapons with me, though. Those could only hurt my defense. I also brought the journal entries relevant to the issues, as the only hard evidence I had with me. Yes, they painted my guilt, but I wasn’t planning on using them unless the situation was dire.

When we got to the palace, I was escorted under heavy guard to the same fucking sitting room I ended up at every time I went to this palace. I was seriously starting to hate that fucking sitting room, and I think Celestia was doing it on purpose. I mean, this palace was pretty big; surely there were more rooms in it.

I was looking out the window, contemplating escape, when Celestia came in. “Navarone, why do you think I summoned you here?” she asked in a neutral voice.

Without turning, I said, “I can think of a few reasons. You want all of them, or just the ones that you’d like?”

“By all means, tell me your thoughts.”

“There is almost certainly going to be a trial of sorts. What happens there, though, is what I’m debating on. One is that you are pissed for what I did, and will seek to condemn me for it. Probably a harsh sentence; I would ask for death if that is the case, unless exile is on the floor.”

“The other reasons?”

I turned. “You want something. You stand to gain from this. From the slaughter of the naga, you learned my potential uses. I could be pressed into service as an agent of the state, dealing with… ‘unpleasant’ problems. Or the trial could be a sham, something you were forced into doing by your spymaster who reported it in the first place; you couldn’t possibly condone something like that in your territory, but at the same time you don’t want to condemn me for doing what was probably right, so you’ll hold a trial and call me innocent. Or the trial is an example to Luna, to show her the unrepentant murderer I truly am. Depending on her reactions to the trial, my fate might differ; I could end up free, exiled, dead, imprisoned, or pressed into service.”

“Anything else?”

“You just wanted to see me again, and didn’t have a good reason to summon me to the palace.”

“If I ever wanted to see you, I wouldn’t need a good reason to summon you. Wanting to see you would be reason enough.”

I just shrugged and waited. She continued, “All of those are decent reasons, though I doubt I’d have to press you too hard to get you to do a few favors for me. I don’t have to deal with legal issues when it comes to having somepony arrested; I could just tell the guards to take you away.”

“You could, but you wouldn’t.”

“If there was a big enough threat to Equestria, I could and would.”

“Which means that either you don’t consider me a threat or that this is a false trial. And one probably means the other.”

“You think too much.”

“No, but when I do think, I plot. If you gave me a few days, I could come up with a foolproof plan to take you down unseen, have Luna installed as the only princess, and control her through her love for me. I’m just not ambitious enough to want to do that, nor would I be an overly good leader.”

“Killing me would have more consequences than you could possibly imagine. This world runs because I live. Luna could not take on all that responsibility or power herself, even with you controlling her.”

“Yeah, and that’s the other reason I don’t do it. I have no idea what you know, or what fail safes you have in place.”

“Is there any reason I shouldn’t have you thrown in a dungeon for what you did to the naga? Or your threat to me?”

I gave her the journal entries. “Read through those, if you want. If you don’t want to do that, I’ll try to explain. Or I could do both.”

She spent some time reading through the journal. “Your mind is twisted, Navarone,” was the first thing she said, and then spent some time thinking. “I did not know all of this, about the naga. I will have to send a representative to talk with them.”

“I would really rather you didn’t. A lot of my backup plans involve them.”

“That is something else we need to discuss. There is a lot I think I need to talk about, concerning this.” Here we go… “First, don’t think you can ever disappear to a place I can’t find you. When you teleport somepony once, you can teleport them from anywhere. It just takes more energy the farther away they are. At the peak of day, I have enough energy to bring you here from anywhere on the planet, even if I wouldn’t be able to move well for the next week. And with Luna helping me, I could probably rip you from anywhere. Including back on your Earth, if you somehow got back there.” Oh, shit. “Second, you need to stop letting ponies break laws concerning you. Kidnapping is illegal, and is now yet another crime against you I’ll have to pretend didn’t happen. Third, what kind of creepy questions did those naga ask you, and how were you able to answer them?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, I do. Answer me.”

I started telling a lie, but then her horn started glowing. “By the way, after reading that journal entry, I cast a lie-detecting spell. Don’t plan on lying to me in any more of our conversations.” Son of a bitch.

“How does that spell work?”

“Magic.”

“How does it detect a lie? Does it read some physical or emotional response from me?”

“Magic. Answer my question.”

“No.” It took a lot more courage than I would have liked to say that.

“After all this, you still don’t trust me?”

“Some crimes can’t be ignored.”

“Which is why they must be reported. Who did it? Did Luna somehow sneak out?”

“It was not Luna. That is all I will say on that.”

“You are going to be wonderful to have on my staff in a few years, you know that?”

“If I’m still alive.” Or sane.

“Oh, no, you’re not allowed to die. If I thought you would accept it, I would keep you here in Canterlot as a pony until Luna was freed.”

“Speaking of which, you are still doing your best to get her to not love me, right? Have you managed to find any suitable male ponies for her to love instead?”

“The goal isn’t to replace her love, it’s to stop her from loving. Down that way lies nothing but pain, for those such as her and I.” Her eyes were downcast for a moment, before she looked up again. “But yes, I am at least trying to get her to forget you. It… isn’t working.”

“At least next year I won’t be at the Gala.”

“I don’t know… you were the star attraction at the last one, and definitely provided plenty of entertainment for me.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Fleur is waiting for the rogue Egill to appear again, ready for revenge. Which he won’t,” I said to her thoughtful expression. “Now, how are we going to deal with the naga problem?”

“To be quite honest, the plan was a mix of two of those you said: To get Luna to see you as a murderer and to force you into a task for repentance. But after reading your journal and your reasoning, I am forced to admit that a trial would be stupid. Which reminds me. What is,” she bent to look over the journal again, “…Kristallnacht?”

I grimaced. “It was a night of extreme intolerance displayed by one ethnic group against another back on my world. Several people called Jews were assaulted or killed, arrested, and had their homes and businesses destroyed. In this respect, it would be where one group planned to systematically and quietly kill everyone in the other group in the night.”

“And you honestly think that is what would have happened?”

“Given what I know of the naga people, I think it probably would have.”

“Good enough for me. And I know I can’t call you unrepentant, because you were definitely vocal in here about how bad you felt by doing it. Didn’t stop you, of course… I think you mentioned something before, about Nuremberg Laws, which covered this?”

“If someone orders you to break the law and you do it, you can’t hide behind the excuse ‘I was only following orders.’ We can do this farce of a trial if you want, but you will gain no support by anyone in the court from it, especially if you declare me guilty but fail to lock me up. And declaring me innocent would be tantamount to saying genocide is okay as long as it’s against your enemies. I killed noncombatants. Accidentally, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“You aren’t making me feel any better about not giving you a trial.”

“You already told me my sentence: A task. But you have not yet said what this task will be.”

“Remember: You don’t have an option here. It is this or prison.” This is sounding better and better. “There has been a… problem, I suppose is the best word, across the ocean. It is not something I can ignore. But it also is not safe over there, even for me, not where this happened. I will be leading a contingent of guards across the ocean to attempt to restore order. But none of them have any combat experience. You are to accompany me and Twilight as our bodyguard. She already knows, of course, but none of her friends do yet. We will be gone for around a year, probably.”

“What happened? Was there a rebellion?”

“No, nothing as bad as that. A few incursions from other races, but nothing too bad, until now. The real problem is the drought. Food is hard to grow there, and we can only ship so much from here to there. Twilight and I are going to use our magic to help make rain, since so many ponies are starving. It is not a new problem, but one that was exacerbated by increasing incursions from hostile creatures. That’s why we’re bringing guards. Before, we could at least distribute the food we sent over evenly. Now, though, our relief shipments are being disrupted. Your job is simple: Protect us. The soldiers will take care of everything else.”

“Why can’t the guards guard you?” You know, like their name implies.

“Because you are available and some guards have to stay here. I don’t have many of them, so I have to use them carefully. You are also probably more effective as a fighter than many of them, anyway.” She apparently didn’t realize my fighting skills were basically shooting and running away.

I contemplated running again, but I wouldn’t get too far before I was either dragged back or teleported back. Besides, if she was telling the truth about what would happen if she died, it would be a good idea to protect her. Dammit. It’s not like anyone wants to hurt her anyway, right? “When do we leave?”

Pretty damn soon, as it turned out. I was carried back to Ponyville and given two days to prepare.

Now, this may be a personal bias from back home, but when I found out that our destination was the Middle East, I freaked a bit. I grabbed every crossbow bolt I could find, the tools to make more, and every other weapon I had. I went down to the nearest pig farm and got some pig bones to wear as charms—I know that’s stereotyping and probably wasn’t even relevant, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I also got some more alcohol to replace what I lost or drank.

I knew there wouldn’t be much room for me on whatever ship we took, so I did make sure to travel relatively light, even if we would be gone for a year. I grabbed some spare clothes, enough material to keep me writing for a while, something I could hopefully use as a honing stone for my knife, the fire strikers, that brown cloak that seems to follow me everywhere, rubber bands for my hair, and my gloves. I felt ready to kick all kinds of ass.

Of course, it wasn’t as simple as just packing up and leaving. No, when you have friends, leaving is never so easy. Spike was going with us as Twilight’s assistant, so saying goodbye to him wasn’t an issue.

Rarity was no trouble to me, since we never got along that well anyway. We pretended for Twilight’s sake, and there was no animosity there, but we were just too different to get along easily. Applejack wasn’t that hard, as she was usually at the farm and I didn’t know her as well as the others. The still incident drove a bit of a rift between us as well, even though it wasn’t my fault.

Rainbow Dash was surprisingly hard. After she got over the whole selfishly almost getting me killed thing, we grew pretty tight, and me getting wings brought that bond even closer. She was probably the pony that was most similar to me, as well; we both were more fond of actions than words. It got us into plenty of trouble, as well.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were outright troublesome to say goodbye to. The three of us grew into great friends during the dance lessons, and our experiences with the naga brought us even closer. The honing rock was actually one of Pinkie Pie’s mementos from her early days at the farm, given to me as a parting gift, even though I was planning to come back.

Fluttershy was probably the saddest to see me go, for some reason. For the one that was most afraid of me when I got here, she sure changed her mind about me for some reason. Opposites attract, I suppose, though we weren’t as opposite as she thought. At heart I was a coward; I just knew how to hide it better.

But goodbyes aside, leaving wasn’t that difficult. Ponyville was a nice little town if you were normal, but just a place to live if you weren’t. Everyone was friendly but cold to me, even after a year. I understood, of course; somehow a rumor spread that I was responsible for the explosion and fire at Applejack’s place, even though I was miles away at the time. Aside from a few friends and the naga, there was nothing for me in Equestria.

We traveled by train to where our fleet was docked, in a place that I shit you not was called Manehattan. I drew several glances my way; it is not every day you see a cloaked, hooded figure wielding an uncertain-looking chunk of wood walking on two legs and with a purpose behind the eternal princess of the realm, followed by a decent-sized contingent of guards. Most of the stares were reserved for Celestia, of course, and many watched the guards, but I saw more than a few on me.

I smiled when I saw our ships. They were an odd contrast to the tall buildings around me, given that they were all old wooden ships, large and unwieldy, with massive furled sails atop tall wooden masts. Netting dotted the rigging of the ships, though I don’t know how a pony would go about climbing it. Hooves can only do so much, after all.

In case you couldn’t tell the truth from the lies in these journals, I absolutely love the ocean and sailing. Now, I hate the beach, but I love the ocean. Odd how that works, but whatever.

“So, which of these boats is ours?” I asked Twilight, who was walking beside me and Spike.

“The big one,” she answered, nodding to what was in fact the largest one there. Why am I not surprised?

“If I’m supposed to be protecting you, I want it known that any enemy will be suspecting the biggest boat and the smallest boat to be containing the princess.”

“Nopony will be attacking us,” she assured me. “You’re just there in case we need any leg work done, or we need your hands.”

I looked at Celestia’s back. I didn’t buy Twilight’s explanation, though I wouldn’t doubt that I would be doing my share of grunt work. I had a feeling that I was here for a reason, something Celestia knew I could do that ponies probably couldn’t.

When we got to the cabin I was sharing with Spike, I dropped my heavy pack, muttering obscenities about the heaviness of it; I didn’t pack much, but in my experience, every suitcase you bring from home seems heavier than the ones you bring back.

“Really, Nav, I don’t know why you bother wearing so many clothes. No pony would know the difference,” Spike said.

“They wouldn’t, but I would,” I assured him. “Besides, you have scales and don’t have to worry about sunburns or extreme cold. If this Middle East is anything like the one where I came from, there will be a lot of sun and a lot of heat, and sunburns will be commonplace until I build up a nice tan or I start wearing clothing over everything.”

“Psh. Why are you the most dangerous species ever, again?”

“Vehemence mixed with intelligence. Or perhaps that’s backwards. Either way, every single human is at least a little bit insane, and can completely turn off empathy if they need to. For most people, that is an automatic thing, but some people can turn it off whenever and some people never have it on at all.” He just shook his head.

I didn’t bother unpacking, but rather went to see Celestia’s commencement speech to the people of Manehattan and the guards that didn’t have duties. It was the usual crap about helping those less fortunate than ourselves, a mission of peace, restoring order, yada yada. I suppose it was a nice speech, but I’m too jaded by human politicians to believe half of what is said to a crowd.

Her crowd seemed to have no such compunctions. There was plenty of cheering and clopping of hooves to go around after it. I just shook my head from the perch I had found on a nearby building, and then jumped off, spread my wings, and coasted back to the ship. We left a few hours after that, when the last relief supplies were loaded.

I feel like any good story needs someone who was seasick on the long voyage and someone that made disparaging but kind hearted remarks to that bitter sick person, but that wasn’t really the case here. Spike started getting sick, but Twilight healed him before I could make any jokes. Besides, this isn’t a story and you shouldn’t be reading it anyway… you dick.

Twilight spent her time studying the sea as well as she could from the ship. There were a few species she could see, and she made what notes she could, but there wasn’t all that much else for her to do. I suppose she studied some magic with Celestia, for I often saw them together near the back of the main ship. I also often saw her with the captain of the guard that was with us, and I figured they knew each other from back when Twilight used to live in Canterlot.

Most of my time was spent on the smallest ship of the fleet, just feeling the sea mist and wind in my face as we sped to our destination borne on winds both natural and magic-made. It was a glorious feeling, to get back to the ocean. It was something that I could honestly relate to from my old life, and if I closed my eyes and just felt the wind, mist, and shifting of the deck beneath my feet I could pretend I was still home, on my way to a dive spot, with family and friends just a few meters behind me.

I carried Spike with me one day on that trip, when he asked what I did all day. He wasn’t impressed that I was just standing there with a stupid smile on my face, and he didn’t wait too long before leaving me to talk to the ponies around the ship until I took him back. Aside from that one day, I don’t know what else he did; I rarely saw him scuttling about on the main ship.

On the third day, once land was nothing but a memory, all the sailor ponies started a song. It was a typical sailor song, something about searching foreign ports for exotic women and being at home only on the sea, and if there had been any mention of alcohol or treasure I could have closed my eyes and pretended I was listening to a pirate song from back home. Thankfully, this one seemed relegated to the sailors and some of the guards; I wasn’t tempted at all to join in on it.

What time of mine wasn’t spent on the smaller ship was spent locked in a planning cabin with Celestia, Twilight, and a captain of the guard, some surfer dude named Shining Armor.

The first words out of his mouth upon seeing me in the meetings were “What is he doing here?” He had a typical jock voice that made me want to punch him, but I withheld my hands; he would probably beat me bloody even without his magic.

I shrugged and turned to go, but Celestia called me back. “In terms of politics, Navarone is about as dangerous as I am. In terms of combat and war, he knows more than you do. He has several thousand years of history of warfare to pull his knowledge from, and knows all manner of tactics. In terms of a personal bodycount, he has more kills than most ponies I know of that are alive today.” Not all of that was true, but I wasn’t about to dispute her.

Shining Armor understandably resented her rebuking of him, even though it wasn’t so much against him as it was about me. I tried to make it a bit better: “Don’t think I’m here to replace you, Captain. Your men wouldn’t follow me and I have no ambitions anyway. I don’t know the disposition of your troops, anything about the politics in the area, the enemy we face, or the people we’re going to help. I’ll answer questions if I think I can help and point out flaws I see in plans.”

Twilight smiled. “Don’t worry about it, brother.” Oh, that explains some things. I mean, I had just been living with Twilight for nearly a year now. Even if she didn’t tell me she had family, I’m sure she told her family about me at least sometimes. I could understand why a brother might not like the guy his sister has been living with for a while.

Anyway, he looked a little less displeased after hearing that, and the true planning began. The enemy we were facing were apparently cat people that were getting pushed out of Egypt for some reason and into the Middle East. Twilight’s suggestion was a fact-finding mission to Egypt to figure out what was going on and to see if we could stop it. But that would involve sending an uncertain number of ponies into an uncertain situation against an uncertain enemy. We didn’t know if ponies would be automatically killed by whoever saw them or what, so we tabled that.

Shining Armor’s suggestion was launching assaults against the cat people and pushing them back to the Suez Canal, where we would draw a demarcation line and try to settle with the leaders of the cat people for a demilitarized zone. That was impossible for several reasons. The simplest was that we simply didn’t have enough troops. That area is small on a map but massive in life, with plenty of caves and mountains to hide in and around. Fighting might be necessary, but you couldn’t possibly hope to fight an up front and personal war in terrain like that. We would be relegated to wandering the land and trying to get lucky by finding an enemy camp, or waiting for a strike and retaliating with extreme prejudice.

I suggested diplomacy. There were problems with that, of course: We didn’t know much about the cat people. We didn’t know what kind of leaders they had, what their grievances were, if we’d offend them, or if we would make ourselves look weak if we offered to talk. I mean, it might be possible to coexist with them, but we simply didn’t know.

In the end, we decided a mix, of sorts. Because we didn’t know how anything in Egypt would react to a pony, we decided to send me and Spike in on a fact finding mission of sorts. The reasoning for Spike was that of all the sapient species anyone in the cabin knew about, they almost all respected or feared dragons. With him, I could actively send messages back to Celestia, and receive new instructions if needed.

The reasoning for me was that I could easily pretend to be a mercenary again, as they hear all manner of news. Since no one knew what I was, I probably wouldn’t be killed on sight. Probably. I was not overly pleased to hear that I would be risking my life on something like that, but whatever. Such is life in Ponyland, at least for me.

Depending on the information we brought back, we would either try to strike a deal with the cat people or be forced to fight them. A small ship would be anchored offshore, while Spike and I flew in. The rest of the fleet would continue on to the Middle East in an effort to spread hope and food as they could.

Twilight was not eager to send Spike into the unknown like that, and tried to get him to tell Celestia he was afraid, but he just saw it as a big adventure. Even after making it absolutely clear that I was in charge and that this was a pretty serious matter, he still seemed pretty down with it.

After several weeks of traveling, we arrived off the coast of Egypt. My ship dropped anchor, allowing the rest to continue on. I mentally reviewed my list of instructions:

Pretending to be a mercenary, infiltrate their society. Learn what’s causing the hostile migration of the cat people. Learn about the cat people culture. Learn if they can be reasoned with. If at all possible, stop the migration (fat chance). Learn what trade goods or bribes could be used on them. If necessary, return to the ship off coast for extraction. It will wait there for one (1) month. If there is no news from you in that time, it will move on to the Middle East, and you will be forced to rendezvous with the rest on your own.

If, of course, we were still alive.

I left a letter with Twilight, to be opened and read if I never came back. Not if she didn’t hear word from me, but if Celestia confirmed by magical means that I was dead. I won’t detail in here what was in it, but it basically asked her to find some way to send my journals home. It also gave my real name and the address to write on the cover of the journals, in case she couldn’t send them directly home.

We were given plenty of bits to bribe information out of whomever we needed and sent on our way. I carried my weapons, some alcohol, my cloak, the firestarters, and Spike. Everything else was left behind; much of it could be replaced in Egypt, I was hoping. Surely a bipedal, intelligent cat race would wear some kind of clothing I could use. I rode the ocean winds in as far as I could, but I had to give a finishing spurt of manpower; the ship was anchored a ways offshore.

No matter what species is dominant in a given area, if they’re intelligent, they will be attracted to the ocean. It can be used for trade, food, travel, and exploration. With that in mind, we set off to look for a port city. I had the cloak on over my wings, and I was already despising the climate. After just a few minutes in the sun, I had to take the thing off; I didn’t care if the people here saw my damn wings, I just couldn’t take the heat. Not like they knew what humans were anyway.

We had been traveling for a few hours by the time we saw glints of light in the distance. Now, I had long had a feeling that we were being watched, but every time I looked either into the desert or into the water I couldn’t see anything or anyone. No one approached us as we made our way to the city, so I was assuming we would be admitted into the city if nothing else.

We were. And in that, we got our first glimpse at the dominant people here: Cats. To be quite honest, we were all thinking that the cats were being pushed out by a force that was attacking them, but this proved otherwise. And then I saw what I presumed was the reason so many were moving: Gibbets were erected on the wall, and on them were hung prisoners, each with the crime of ‘treason’ marked above them.

Upon asking a guard, he snarled, “Escaped slaves.”

I nodded to myself and helped a visibly sickened and frightened Spike along. We both got a lot of looks from the people here, but none of them said anything. There were plenty of other foreigners in the city, due to its port status: dog people, a small group of naga, a massive elephant, zebras, and even a few ponies were some of what we saw just in our first jaunt into the city.

“Nav…” Spike suddenly croaked, “there were bodies out there!” Referring to the walls, no doubt.

“Yeah. We all told you this wasn’t an adventure. Welcome to a brand new culture.” He sobered quite a bit after that, and didn’t talk again for a while. I’m inured to all manner of grisly sights, due to my unnatural amount of time spent on the internet. The smells got to me a bit, but I was mostly used to it from hunting.

Meanwhile, I was trying to find any manner of tavern or bar or someplace I could find some manner of work or news. That this was a slave culture wasn’t entirely surprising, but I needed to know more before I sent a preliminary report.

We passed a bar that seemed to cater exclusively to equine guests, and Spike tried to get me to go there, but I pulled him away. “People will see where we go and who we mix with. We need news from these people, and possibly a job or two to build trust. Ponies won’t help us with that.” That was the reason I gave him, at least. The real reason, though, was that I actually saw those ponies when we passed them. He saw ponies and was rejoicing, but I looked into their eyes and at some of their ‘cutie’ marks.

These were not the ponies we were used to. I joked a few months ago about getting a tramp stamp cutie mark, thinking it was impossible. It wasn’t.

When we found a tavern that catered to travelers of all types, I coaxed Spike inside. I took one look at the inside of the place and realized that I had made a pretty serious mistake: This place was seedy as fuck. Leaving would have been a bigger mistake, though; I could see a few dog people gripping knives and looking at me, wondering if I would make an easy mark. I said a silent prayer and pulled Spike to an empty table.

We weren’t alone for long. A female slave cat walked up to take any order we had. I pulled out a bit and said, “Clean water for us both. Food, if you have anything we can eat.”

She looked dubiously at the gold. “Be careful about flashing that around too much, traveler. Too much pony money means you’re a pony lover, and that isn’t always a good thing to be, here.” With that bit of advice, she grabbed the bit and walked away. Soon after she left, one of the two dog people from before sidled up to our table.

“My friend and I,” he said, “would like to know what you are. He thinks you’re a bastard shaved cat and pegasus pony mix. I think you’re an ugly mutant.”

“You’re closer to the mark,” I said. “I’m newly arrived in town and looking for work.” I was tempted to be insulted at his remark, but I honestly didn’t feel like risking my luck against someone that probably got in fights for a living.

“A mercenary, huh? Is there a lot of work for you over in Equestria?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh? Your little friend there looks like someone who might,” he said, eying Spike, who perked up at the mention of Equestria.

“He’s young. He is always looking for more stories of fabled lands.” Stories he probably won’t be able to find if he gets us killed. Spike at least had the brains to look abashed at my rebuke.

“Keep his curiosity on a leash. It does not do well to speak of such things here.”

“Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep that in mind.” So much for dragons being respected. The dog fellow gave us one more appraising look, and then walked back to his friend.

When the waitress brought us food, I took a guess at something. They wouldn’t kill us. Dragons might not be respected, but killing one would get the guard all over them in a second. I immediately swapped our glasses of water. Of the two of us, I was obviously the warrior, and anyone that wanted to get at us would knock me out instead of him. And on the off chance I woke up, they’d want him awake to be used as a hostage. I was tempted to swap the food, but that would be more noticeable.

And when I took bite of the peppered… meat… in front of me, I found the reason they’d put something in the water: That shit was spicy as hell.

Spike looked at his plate dubiously. “Navarone, I don’t eat meat.”

“Yes you do. You’ve just never had it before. Trust me.”

I could tell he still didn’t want to try it, but after further guidance he slowly took a bite. The fire that lit in his eyes was all I needed to know that he really never did have meat. What the hell kind of dragon doesn’t eat meat? Those ponies are cruel.

In the middle of our odd meal, the barkeep came by our table. He was a mongrel cat called Amir. “I heard you say you were a mercenary. What kind of jobs you looking for?”

“Anything that pays well. News will also be welcome. I didn’t know there was a slave revolt here recently.” I pushed my uneaten food to Spike, who finished it off with relish. I don’t do spicy, not when I have a choice.

“Yes, the crazy fools thought they could try overthrowing the system here. They tried to get as many foreigners on their side as possible. A few ponies threw in their lot with them, but none of the rest bothered. Slave revolts never go anywhere, and why would they? Most are content with their lot. They’re fed, clothed, and quartered. All they have to do is work.”

“It is not for me to question how other people are governed. I’m just here for the work, or news if there is none to be had.”

“You’re in luck, stranger. A caravan is heading south for Catro in three days. They’re looking for more guards; with some slaves still fighting, there are plenty of bandits loose in the area.”

“What’s the pay? And what kind of supplies will we need to bring?”

“The pay is good salt, depending on how the trip goes. Standard guard fare if you encounter no trouble. Bonuses for defending well in attacks. Food and weapon repairs will be provided, if needed.”

“Where can I find the merchant for this job?”

“A representative of his will be in the bazaar tomorrow, calling for warriors. The representative is a pony named Anton, with a mark of hooves on his side.” Cutie mark of hooves? Fucking brawler.

“I will look into it. How much for a room for the night?”

“Your gold covers it. Despite being pony printed, it is still good here, and it goes farther than most other currencies.”

“I don’t suppose it would also cover a nice, long cord? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I don’t trust the look of some of your other… patrons.” With a glance to the two dogs. I looked back to the cat. “Until my business here is done, I’m afraid we cannot run.” I snapped my fingers somewhat sadly.

“They’re all bark and no bite. Just don’t leave the inn until tomorrow, and you should be f—” Before he could finish, Spike collapsed, dead asleep. “Oh.”

“Tell your waitress not to turn her back on drinks before she delivers them.”

“I will beat that lesson into her! You will be compensated for what almost happened, mercenary.”

“No, friend. It is the result of being a stranger in a strange land. I have suffered worse since I began my work.” When I looked at where the dog people were, I saw they had left rather quickly. “You might do well to hire a bouncer, though.”

“Hmph. Most of those are just as big of brutes and as dishonest as those two that just left. I will hold off the beating since you asked, stranger, but I will not let you go unpaid. I will send the slave that let this happen to your room tonight, and let you do what you would with her.”

My wings twitched at that. It was an interesting prospect, but not one I was planning on accepting. As far as I was concerned, any sex with a slave was tantamount to rape. “No, I’m afraid my mercenary code would not let me accept that. I do not ever accept sex as a payment. It is unprofessional and dangerous. If you really feel the need to repay me, get me that cord I mentioned, and tell me where I can find some good desert clothes before I leave. Preferably something I could use to hide my wings but could remove easily.”

“Why would you want to hide such beautiful instruments?”

“I’ve run into people that would refuse to hire me because I was a flier, but had no compunctions when meeting me without knowing I had wings. And it pays to not let your enemies—or friends, sometimes—know what your abilities are.”

“You have been at this business for some time, I would say.”

“Something like that.” More like reading an assload of books. He clapped his hands, and said something in a very clipped voice that I could barely understand to the slave woman that appeared. She bustled off.

“You will have your cord before you retire for the night. Do you have any preference of rooms?”

“Something on the top floor, with either a window or roof access. A good lock will be a bonus.”

He had a slave show me to the room I would be using. I was carrying Spike. The room had a single bed, something I was expecting, and a ladder leading to a trapdoor on the roof. I was pleased with that. Thieves, I could deal with; I was leaving nothing in this room but clothes and Spike, and thieves typically don’t murder. The lock on the door was enough to last until I could make a trap.

When the slave came back, she had a cord and some desert style clothes for me. I set aside the cord and tried to figure out how to put the damn clothes on. The slave girl smiled in mirth at my confusion before chipping in. A few of her touches lingered on uncomfortable places, and I could sense there was more to her mirth than she let on. But I didn’t press the issue and she didn’t say anything about it.

With her help, though, the clothes went on much easier. I was at a loss with how to cover my wings, though; the rags I was covered with didn’t do much for that. Then she gave me a light-weight cape.

When we were finished, she gave me a letter. “This is from the master, to be given to the pony Anton. It will get you your job,” she announced, and then left. I smiled and sighed, then went about writing my report to Celestia. Basically, it announced my speculations that the hostile migrants were escaping slaves. I wasn’t certain yet, but I told her that I suspected offers of political asylum would do well; they were fleeing slaves, running into an uncertain future with uncertain people. A modern day Jewish exodus. I then detailed my plans to take the merchant job and head south to the capital, in my world called Cairo and here called Catro.

Since Spike was currently passed out on the bed, I set the letter aside and went about writing two notices, one for the inner door and one for the outer door. One said ‘Do not disturb—Trust me.’ The other said, ‘Spike, don’t open this door. Trust me.’ I’ll let you decide which I put where.

With that done, I set about working on the trap. It was a pretty simple thing, really: If someone pulled the door open, they’d get shot with a bolt. I tested it once and with a loud thunk, a bolt was protruding from the door. Anyone trying to open it quickly would get a bolt right in the face. I wrenched the bolt from the door, reloaded the crossbow, dropped the cape and went to the roof.

I glided to a roof away from mine, and then looked for an easy access down. Part of the clothing I was wearing was a full head covering, leaving only my eyes looking out. With that over my head and the cape over my wings, I could be any cat or dog person—I’m taller and bulkier than most cats and shorter and smaller than most dogs. My plan was to head to the pony bar we passed on the way in and ask for any manner of news. Yes, they weren’t the ponies I was used to, but they were probably still more willing to talk to strangers than anyone else in this city.

I had a hard time finding the place again; this city was really maze-like. When I finally did, I almost wasn’t allowed in. At the door I was posed a riddle: “There are two sisters: One gives birth to the other and she, in turn, gives birth to the first.”

I thought for a time, and then it clicked. “Celestia and Luna.” The door was opened and I was the first non-pony to be admitted into the bar. More from disinterest rather than because the riddle was difficult, I guessed.

As I entered, I took a second to look at the name of the tavern: The Salted Mare. Comforting.

I definitely drew a lot of stares. One angry pony, hopped up on salt and heavily dehydrated, came at me, asking unkindly, “Where are you from, cat-man?”

“West.” That didn’t satisfy him. “Far, far west.” Now that perked up a lot of ears.

“Oh, are you then? What news from the far far west do you bring? Anything new from our beloved eternal bitch queen?”

“The sun sets in the east this night. It has reversed course in order to respond to a crisis. I’m just here for news.”

That started several murmuring conversations, and two more strangers came up, one drawing the drugged pony away. The other stallion asked, “What proof do you have that Celestia is here, stranger?”

With my gloved hand, I pulled out a bit and rolled it over my fingers.

“Bits are not so uncommon here, stranger. What more proof do you have?”

“What is it to you, pony? I know Luna is free, I know Celestia and her student Twilight are to the east, and the sun throne in Equestria lies empty for the first time in living memory, and probably will for over a year. I care not what you do with that information. But I’m here for any news I can bring back. There are people pushing into the east, cat people. They bring with them violence and turmoil. Are they escaped slaves, and would they settle for asylum? Or do they want more?”

“They are slaves. Or rather, they were. How do you know what you know?”

I let the cape slide from my back, and they all gasped at my enlarged pegasus wings.

“It has been so long…” the pony next to me whispered. “But I’m confused. You aren’t a pony. How did you come by these wings?”

“A magical mistake. A fluke. They function, but they are not mine, not really. I need more information before I head further inland.”

“You can’t just leave! So long with no word from home, and now a non-pony pony agent comes in and just as suddenly leaves? What game are you playing?”

“I’m just a pawn, an agent. I don’t make plans, I just follow orders. My orders are to gather information. There is more information in the south than there is in this city.”

“Why would she send a… whatever you are… instead of a pony?”

“Because we didn’t know the reception ponies would get here. Most of her ponies are… naïve to the world anyway. I am a bit more seasoned.” Some of them snorted at that.

“I left Equestria because of that same reason. I regret it every day… please, can any of us go with you?”

“What’s stopping you from going east yourself?” I answered. “There are pony-held lands over there.”

“We can’t leave. We can enter this land, but no pony is allowed to leave the borders of this country without a royal order. If you aren’t careful with who you show those wings to, you might find yourself included in that. The reason there are no pegasi or unicorns here is because they left as soon as the edict came out; some of the pegasi were brought down with arrows, but the unicorns all managed to teleport out.” I’ll have to add that to my report. At least that tells me that Celestia knew more about this land than she let on.

“Celestia will learn of this. If you have any letters, give them to me, addressed, and I will get them to her. What she does with them will be up to her, but I imagine they’ll get sent to family,” I announced to the bar. A very hushed silence came over everyone. Suddenly, there was a mass exodus to the door to go buy paper and pen.

I grabbed the hoof of my new friend before he could leave. “No cat can know I’m here. I must travel incognito if I am to complete my mission.”

“I will see to it. You are a hero, whoever you are. If what you say is true.” I snorted at that—I was just doing what anyone would, and Spike was going to be the one sending these letters, not I. I settled back to enjoy my free water while I waited for the patrons to return with letters.

There were certainly a lot more letters than I was expecting. Everyone gave me at least one. The fellow that was hopped up on salt when I came in was now fully hydrated and able to give me twelve, with a heartfelt apology to me included.

As I left, I reminded them, “Remember, I don’t exist.” They all cheered and waved me out. Poor bastards had been away from home too long, doing whatever they could to survive. The few here that had cutie marks were nasty things, while most didn’t have any at all—they could never find anything they liked doing. Most of those that frequented the streets were those that belonged in this city.

I made my way to a roof and flew back to my building. Thankfully, Spike was still asleep and in bed, and the trap was undisturbed. It was getting to be night by then, so I added some more to my report about the ponies here, then went to bed, leaving the trap on the door.

Thank God I did, too. I woke up the next morning to a shriek from the door. Apparently during the night, one of the dog people somehow got my door opened and caught a bolt in the throat. It died without a sound. The shriek was from a slave woman passing by.

It woke up Spike, who groggily sat up, asking “Where am I?” before seeing the body on the floor and turning greenish.

I looked at him and said, “We’re not in Equestria anymore. Get used to it.”

I checked the body for anything useful before the guards took it away: In this city, if you scored a kill you got first dibs on the body, legal kill or not. I grabbed a letter, some native coins, and his dagger and let them take the rest away. The letter was in a language I couldn’t read, so I put it away and concentrated on getting all my gear set up.

The slave was still in hysterics, and I explained to her that I didn’t even kill him, the trap did. She didn’t seem to want to hear that, either way, and left, wailing. Fucking women, man.

I broke down the trap, reloaded the crossbow, and left it where I could easily reach it. I then gave the report to Spike, followed in a few minutes by the letters. We went down to the common room for a complimentary breakfast, thanks to the body at our door. Poor Amir was so embarrassed: “This has never happened before! A guest drugged, then almost attacked!” He promised to hire some manner of guard.

While we were eating, a response from Celestia came. That drew a lot of glares from other patrons and a small alarm from Amir, thinking we had been poisoned again. I waved him away and pocketed the letter for later.

When we got back to the room, I checked it. “Go south, but be careful. We will offer asylum to any bands of escaped slaves we run into. Try to contact a group of fleeing slaves, if you can do so safely and without blowing your cover. See if you can get them to escort you and as many ponies as you can find that want to escape east. I will initiate talks with the government of this Egypt you are in to see if I can get my ponies freed, after you get back. And while I thank you for the information, don’t do that with any group of ponies again until or unless you are fleeing east with slaves. It is just too risky.”

I nodded to myself. “What are we going to do, Nav?” Spike asked.

“We’re going south with a caravan. We’ll see what happens from there.”

I draped the cape over my back again and we went off to try to find this Anton fellow. The bazaar was a large place, as it happened, and finding him wasn’t as simple as asking for someone hiring warriors. I got several job offers, and a few people offering to work under me—or more likely, under Spike. After all, a lot of dragons have huge hoards of wealth.

I was afraid to ask specifically for a pony offering jobs, because not many here were friendly toward the idea of ponies with enough money to hire fighters. Spike kept muttering unpleasantries about the people in the city and their hatred toward ponies.

We finally got lucky and spotted a reddish roan pony haggling with a zebra over the price of a water jug. His cutie mark was of hooves. I waited for him to finish his business, and then approached. Before I could say a word, “A warrior, are you? I have a spot for one more. You or your friend will have to stay, as I can’t bring both.”

“I have a letter that might change your mind,” I said, giving him the letter the slave woman gave me. I was hoping it would; I couldn’t leave Spike behind and I had to get south.

He somehow opened it with his hooves, and read it to himself. He smiled, and whispered ‘about time.’ He then looked up and said, “Fine, but you’ll take a pay cut for the extra load,” with a nod to Spike.

“I’m okay with that.”

“Good. If you have everything you need, come with me.” We followed. He led us to a large pavilion outside of town, and into a smaller, personal tent.

“I don’t talk business with somepony when I can’t see their face. Take that head cover off.”

I sighed and began to unwind my head wrap. The pony looked at my unkempt, long brown hair, unshaved and windblown face red from the sun, and probably thought he had made a big mistake. He held his peace, however, and said, “That’s better. Now, the standard fare for a caravan guard is six kilograms of salt. With your friend coming along, I’ll have to cut your pay to five. If you want to pull some extra work, I can raise it back up to six, or higher if you are more useful. What manner of skills do you bring, aside from fighting?” said with an eye to my sword belt.

“I can scout and kill from afar. I can probably hunt, if that’s a necessity. And I might be able to find extra oases, if we need them.”

“We have scouts. What makes you think you’re better than they?”

I smiled and dropped my cape. He leaned back. “If those work, you’re hired.”

“Follow me.” We went outside the tent, and I demonstrated. I got a lot of stares from the ground crews, people readying tents and supplies to be packed in a hurry but looking for any reasonable chance for a break. I didn’t do much, just went up and down a few times, but it was enough for Anton.

“You’re hired. As a scout. Their pay is the same, more for finding oases and warning us of probable attacks. Since you can fight, you will be paid extra, and you’ll get the full price of both warrior and scout if you end up doing both. But your orders will come directly from me.”

“Understood.”

“And what am I going to be doing?” Spike asked.

“As far as I’m concerned,” Anton said, “you are dead weight. If you prove yourself useful, you may be compensated, but don’t expect to be asked to do much. You are small, yet.” Spike rolled his eyes at that, but it was true.

The rest of that day and the next were spent waiting for the caravan to leave. I stayed away from the city as much as I could, knowing the friend of the dog I killed was still in there, and I didn’t want a knife in the back.

A day after I got to the camp, Anton called me to his tent. “I just got word that you were involved in a murder in the city. Would you care to explain?”

“A dog tried to slip me a sleeping concoction to knock me out. When that failed, he broke into my room in the night. But I was expecting him, so I set up a trap to kill anyone that walked in the door. He did, and the trap worked.”

“Did he have anything on him?”

“A few coins, a dagger, and a note.”

“Do you have the note?” I handed it to him. I saw his eyes scan the page, and he handed it back to me, saying, “It’s gibberish to me.”

One of the few times I had heard a pony lie. I saw his eyes moving, he knew what he was reading. And he was slightly worried. But I didn’t call him on it. “Are you reconsidering me?” I asked instead.

“No. That just proves your cleverness. You’re still hired. Now leave me.” I did.

After that it was pretty smooth sailing. We broke camp the next day and started off. From what I finally determined was Alexandria in my world to Cairo was about a hundred and thirty miles. That would take us at best eleven days, at worst twenty. We would definitely miss the boat if Celestia couldn’t get word to it, but it seemed our priority had changed by then anyway: Go south for information, then east if possible to hook up with any roaming slave groups.

Most of the other caravan guards were rough looking types. Dogs or cats, with a single naga looking rather out of place. They were armed with a variety of weapons, mostly close ranged. We were definitely not in Equestria anymore. This was a small army, well equipped and trained by hard lives. Most didn’t have much in the way of armor; metal would be too hot and heavy in the sun, and leather was highly frowned upon everywhere in a world where most everything is sapient. Eating a thinking animal is one thing, but wearing them is another thing entirely. Besides, most of these fighters were skilled desert rats, fast and loose on their feet.

I’ll skip most of the trip, as it was pretty much just walking and walking and walking, then flying and then walking and walking and walking some more.

I will say this, though: The desert nights of Egypt are absolutely amazing. Nothing on the cavern of the naga, mind, but still beautiful.

But holy fuck was there sand everywhere! God it was annoying.

And then on day seven, the whole trip went to hell.

We were making good time, and were over halfway to Cairo. I was on a scouting trip to the west, directed by Anton. Spike was walking beside Anton when I left, talking of some matter or another. I think Spike reminded Anton of someone he had lost in the past, but I never asked him.

But there I was, flying around and looking for anything new in the desert, when I saw smoke rising to the east, in the caravan. I couldn’t tell what was going on, but I knew the place wasn’t supposed to be on fire. I turned back and made a beeline for the caravan.

When I got nearby, I could see Anton standing alone a ways from the caravan, signaling me to come down to him. I loaded my crossbow in the air and warily landed near him.

“What happened?” I asked, aiming my crossbow around me. “And where’s Spike?”

Instead of answering, he asked, “Do you remember that note you gave me when we first met? The one from the innkeeper, I mean.”

“…Yes.”

“Amir is not exactly what he appeared to be. He is an ally of the slaves, basically; he supplies them when he can, with food, water… fighters.”

I aimed my crossbow dead on Anton. “Where’s Spike?”

“He will not be harmed, if you cooperate.” I knew this was too good to be true.

“What do you want?”

“Drop your weapons, first.”

I did as he asked. I slipped the weapon belt from my waist and laid it on the ground, then slowly lowered the crossbow on top of it.

“Now step away from them.”

I did, never letting my eyes leave his face. I saw a cat in my peripheral vision sneak up and grab my supplies. I still had the gloves that no one knew about, if I absolutely had no choice but to fight.

“And now?” I asked.

“Now, you sleep.” Something clubbed me in the back of the skull and I lost myself.

A note from your friendly neighborhood Discord

Never trust dogs to get a job done. Those dogs were told to deliver a message to the human. Not to drug him, not to break into his room, and not to underestimate him. That fellow deserved his fate.

As to what the message contained? Writing in an ancient language that only Anton and I understand, and the only reason Anton understands it is because I gave him the knowledge. Basically, it marked the bearer as an asset to the slaves. Anton wasn’t supposed to order Navarone knocked out. Unfortunately, he was still too useful to punish.

Chapter Twenty-Seven—The wager

Chapter Twenty-Seven—The wager

It took us a few days to arrive at Canterlot. It was midnight when our train dropped us off at the station. Taya was asleep when we arrived, so I gently picked her up and carried her, along with all of the stuff we had, to the palace.

The palace was decked out for the Gala, which I had completely forgotten about. Thankfully, the party didn’t seem to be that day, as there weren’t tons of ponies there. Also thankfully, the guards and servants all recognized me, and showed us both to some good quarters.

I set all the stuff and Taya down on the bed. She had barely stirred the entire way. I was trying to decide if I should try to find either Luna or Celestia to report, or try to get some sleep, when my mind was made up by a servant that was sent to bring me to Princess Luna. I grabbed the report I had been working on—basically my journal entries, minus all the dialogues where I said anything impolite about Celestia or Luna—and followed him out, leaving a short note for Taya. I didn’t expect her to wake up, but you never know.

The servant led me to the throne room, where Luna was waiting. “You think you need to defend yourself against sweet little me?” she asked, eying the large amount of weapons she could see strapped around my body.

Truth be told, I hadn’t even noticed them; I was so used to wearing them that I stopped paying attention to them. Instead of saying that, though, I said, “I don’t think I would be able to defend myself against you if I tried. That seems like a quick way to get vaporized.” Which might be why I’m not interested in you.

For some reason, she smiled at that. “Remember that the next time you brag to a guard at how easy my sister or I would be to… take down.”

“Oh, you mean assassinate? That’s very different from self-defense. Yeah, I don’t think I would have any problem with that.”

“Maybe you’re interested in a little wager, then?” she asked with a secret smile.

“I don’t make bets with royalty.”

“We could make it a competition, with a prize for the winner.”

“No thanks. I’d be happy to do a training exercise with the guards, if it meant you and your sister were better protected. But I’ll not risk any of my limited possessions—or whatever else you might try to wager—to something I might lose.”

She looked hurt. “You’re no fun sometimes, Nav.” A second later, she was staring at a bolt sticking out of the wall right next to her head.

I lowered the crossbow. “And you just lost your competition. Would you like to see my report on the Egypt situation, or should I save it for Princess Celestia?”

She was still gaping, wide-eyed at the bolt. “H...How? I didn’t even see… That contraption is more powerful than I thought.”

“Yep. Now, the Egypt report?”

“Save it for Celestia… How does that weapon work?”

“One piece of bendable wood holds a string tightly in place. You pull that string back to build massive amounts of tension, and lock it in place. Then you put a projectile in front of the string. When I pull the trigger, the string is released from its lock and forces itself back to its original position. The projectile uses that force to propel itself forward at astonishing rates, very accurately. If I wanted to, I could nail your head to the throne from fifty meters away.”

“And this is a common weapon where you come from?”

“Oh, God no! This thing is primitive compared to what we use. This thing’s maximum effective range is around a hundred meters, if you’re a very good shot and you’re aiming at a good sized target. The best weapon we have that a single person can carry with him can kill from two kilometers away, though that is an uncommon weapon. Civilians usually use smaller weapons that can easily kill up to twenty meters away, but do a hell of a lot more damage than a crossbow. It’s easy to wound someone with this, but harder to kill them, unless you hit a vital organ. The weapons we use can make you bleed out easily. There are also weapons available to our military that can kill you on the other side of the planet, anywhere from one to billions of people at a time.”

We spent a good while talking. I pulled the bolt out of the wall and showed her more closely how the crossbow worked. We also spoke a bit of my time in Egypt, and of Taya, who was soon going to be living in the orphanage. And I learned that the Gala was tomorrow. “Your friends from Ponyville weren’t planning on coming this year, aside from Twilight,” she said. “They might change their minds once they learn you’re here.”

“I find myself doubting it. It takes a while to get ready for a party like that, for women. Me, I just throw something on and show up. Not like most of these ponies will know the difference anyway.”

“I don’t suppose Egill will be making a reappearance?”

“Nah, probably not.”

“That is a shame, though it might be for the best. I would not be surprised if that hussy is still upset with him.”

“C’est la vie, I suppose.”

“I believe I’ve heard you say that before. What does it mean?”

“An old idiom from my world. Means such is life.”

“That seems like a good phrase for your world.”

“Yeah, it gets used pretty often.” If you’re like me, at least.

“So what are you planning on doing with Taya?”

“Leaving her here with Celestia’s orphanage. She’s your problem now.”

“Celestia’s problem, not mine. But even then, I doubt she’d be a problem. Emerald Script described her as incredibly well behaved and very quiet.”

“Because she’s psychologically scarred. She’s so terrified of speaking out or getting any attention drawn to her that she almost never talks to anyone that isn’t me. She’s used to being attacked or worse. It’s going to take her a while to get over that, and I’m not a psychologist.”

“How do you think she’ll handle being taken away from you?”

“Poorly, is my guess. I feel bad about that, but it’s probably for her own good to be taken from me. I’m a terrible person and I’d make a worse parent.”

“I think we both know better than that, Nav. I heard the story you told Taya and the guards, and the response you got.” I fucking hate magic so much. “You may not be a good parent, but I know you’re not a bad person. And I know Celestia listened to your long talks with the unicorns from the pirate ship.” Did they fucking eavesdrop on everything? “It would be good for Taya to be around you.”

“Man, why are you eavesdropping on me? That’s fucked up.”

“You were the right hoof of Equestria on this mission of peace, Nav,” she answered. “My sister and I pay close attention to our agents when they are in the field. We… do not always see things that we like. And there are many things that you did that my sister found questionable.”

“How does that even work, then? Can you just spy on anyone at any time?”

“No, of course not,” she answered, shaking her head. “Only those to which we are attuned, via teleportation. We can see from your eyes, hear from your ears.”

The NSA’s wet dream. “I don’t suppose you could stop that shit? I absolutely don’t want you two seeing what I do.”

“Perhaps. I can discuss the issue with my sister. But we have both found that it encourages honesty.”

“Bah! You two can keep your honesty. I’d prefer a good bit of lying, myself.”

“I can tell. You’ve already told me a few in this conversation alone.”

I assumed she had some manner of lie detector spell going on. “You know me, Luna. I couldn’t tell the truth if I was being paid.”

“Which is why we spy on you, of course. But what does it take to get you to tell the truth?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” I pretended to think for a second. “Actually, on second thought, I don’t think I will. That’s dangerous information to be giving out to a princess.” Especially one that loves me.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Anyway, I couldn’t teach Taya magic, and I think she wants to learn that.”

“There is no better school of magic in Equestria than here in Canterlot. If she wants to learn, this is the right place for it.”

“There you go. Yet another reason she shouldn’t continue staying with me.”

“Unless you start living in Canterlot.”

“I know two people in Canterlot, and both of them are princesses. And I couldn’t afford to send her to an expensive magic school.”

“You’re lying again. How many bits do you have on you right now?”

I thought, and surreptitiously felt around my body. That got old, so I decided to do some quick math instead. “Let’s see… Emerald gave me five hundred bits when I left—which was ridiculously heavy, I might add. I spent one to get some books in Alexandria, four to buy train tickets to San Sebastian, one to buy some books there, twenty for passage to Manehattan, four for tickets to Canterlot… So four hundred and seventy bits. I have no idea what that’s worth. I’ve never really dealt much in the economy here.”

Luna was smiling and shaking her head. “Navarone, that’s enough to buy a house. And you’re carrying it around with no idea…” She barked a short laugh. “You could easily send Taya to school with that money, and possibly buy a modest house in Canterlot while you’re at it.”

I got slightly sweaty at that news, not having realized the ridiculous fortune I had on me. I figured a bit was like a dollar. No wonder Emerald looked at me like an idiot when I asked if five hundred would be enough to get home with.

“But… This isn’t my money anyway, not really. This is Celestia’s money, or yours. I was just borrowing what I needed to get home!”

“Don’t think you can excuse yourself out of wealth that easily, Nav. I think it’s about time you were rewarded for your services. Even if you are a bit heavy hoofed or eccentric at times. I believe Celestia will agree.”

“I don’t! Good lord, this is a fortune. I’ll never need this much money for anything!”

“You might, if you want to take care of Taya.”

“Taya is going to the orphanage, where she’ll be better off!”

“Do you really think she’ll be better off living with nothing but ponies after what she’s seen? Do you think any of them will be able to understand what she’s been through?”

“I think she’ll be better off in a loving home with two normal pony parents. Not living with an emotionally stunted human that gets called off every few months to kill people for two princesses that rule over a world that’s a lot more violent than I thought when I got here. I can’t raise a child. I just can’t do it.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

“I… I’m afraid of screwing up. I couldn’t bear looking someone who depended on me in the eyes and seeing an accusation there. I know that’s irrational. I know that most children don’t think of things in those terms. But I still can’t help but feel anger at some of the things my parents did... And if I was a parent and I thought my child might feel something like that for me, I would feel devastated inside. And I couldn’t handle that.”

“So that’s what it takes to get you to tell the truth…” she whispered. “Pain. Fear. Sorrow.”

“That is what humans respond to. It often brings the best out in us…” Or the worst. We were silent for a while.

“Go on to bed, Nav. You’ll have to present your report to Celestia early tomorrow. The party doesn’t start until late, but some ponies like to start showing up early, and she has to be there to greet them.” I bowed slightly and left.

I found Taya still in bed. I removed most of my weapons and left them on the floor. This bed was a hell of a lot bigger than the ones we were used to, so I just got in on the other side of her. I still didn’t know what to do with Taya… I figured Celestia and Twilight could give me some manner of advice.

I went to sleep with that thought in my head.

I was woken up by Taya gently shaking me, whispering, “There’s someone at the door…” In my haze of sleepiness, I realized what words she said before I comprehended their meaning. Someone. Picking up mannerisms from me already. Then it clicked.

I groaned and yelled, “What?” I heard a muted voice behind the door. “Come in, dammit!” I wearily sat up and looked to see dawn streaming over the horizon. When Luna said early, I figured she meant around noon or so, not the crack of dawn.

The door opened and a servant came in. “Princess Celestia wants to see both of you at your earliest convenience.”

“Throne room?”

“Sitting room. She said you’d know the one.”

“Of course. It’s only the same one we’ve used for every meeting. I’ll be there shortly.” He nodded and left.

I sighed and began changing, and muttering. “I was going to shave, get a bath, get some real food… Maybe some cake or something… But nooo! Fucking princesses…”

“Doesn’t… doesn’t convenience mean when we’re ready? We could do all that first.”

“That phrase doesn’t mean the same thing when it’s royalty that’s waiting on you. That phrase means hurry up and get there as fast as possible.” I finished dressing and started strapping on weapons before I realized what I was doing. When I did, I stopped adding new ones but didn’t take any of the ones I already put on off. That left me with a belt of throwing knives, the falchion, and the crossbow with a quiver of its bolts. “You ready to go meet Princess Celestia?”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” I cocked the crossbow, just in case Celestia tried to pull a stunt like Luna did last night.

“Are you expecting her to attack us?”

“No. But I’ve learned that it’s best to err on the side of caution. I would tell you to be on your best behavior, but then I’d go and set a bad example by not being on mine. That, and I don’t think you know how to misbehave… Shall we?”

I led the way to the sitting room. I was somewhat amazed at the number of servants up and about, more than I had seen in a good while. Preparations for a party as large as the Gala take a good while. The number of servants would likely die down slowly over the day, until they became all but invisible during the party itself.

I got to the door of the sitting room and hesitated, then looked down at Taya. “When she looks at you, look her in the eyes.” With that said, I opened the door.

Princess Celestia and Twilight were both inside. Saved me the time of finding Twilight, I figured.

“Nav!” Twilight rushed forward to hug me. I was a bit surprised at that; I was used to her being more reserved.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I said, holding her. “I didn’t know you’d be in town already.”

She let me go and said, “I got in yesterday. Come in, come in!” Taya and I followed her in. “Oh? Are you Taya?” Twilight asked, seeing her.

“Taya, this is Twilight. You can blame Twilight for me being here.” Celestia smiled at that.

Taya looked down and whispered, “Thank you.”

“First time anyone’s thanked her for that,” I muttered. “Go keep Twilight busy for a spell, would you? I believe Celestia and I have some words to trade.”

“Don’t worry, Taya,” Celestia said, looking at her. “I won’t keep him long, and Twilight has long wanted to meet you.”

Taya was staring right at Celestia’s eyes, wide-eyed. I don’t know what ponies see in her that I couldn’t, but Twilight and all of her friends always comment on how looking into her eyes is like looking at a loving mother or something. I just think her eyes are hot, not that I’d ever tell her that.

Twilight broke Taya’s concentration and gaze by herding her away to a corner. I handed—not quite the phrase, I suppose, more like held it up to be grabbed by magic—the report to Celestia. “I figure you already know most of this, but whatever you didn’t know is there.”

Without looking at it, she said, “You know, a lesser pony might be insulted by some of the things you said about me while you were over there.”

“I’m glad you’re such a great pony, then.”

She snorted at that. “You sure don’t seem to think so…” She started reading through the report. She commented periodically, without looking up. “You tackled an assassin? Are you insane?” “Gruesome… But necessary.” “These naga are rather widespread… Reminds me that I still need to deal with them here.” “That poor filly…” “Not the smartest thing you’ve done, telling Emerald Script that…” “How romantic…” “One week to read!?” She looked up at that. “Are you sure, Navarone?”

I was watching Taya and Twilight talk. I flinched when Celestia said my name. “What? Oh, yes, she went through those primers between Alexandria and San Sebastian. So it was about a week and a half, actually. Why?”

“How long does it take human children to learn to read?”

“I don’t know, I never thought about it. Why, did she learn fast or something?”

“It takes most fillies several months to learn to read. More, if they’re recalcitrant. To learn that fast is… incredible.”

“Well, we also have no idea how old she is. She may have already been taught and just forgot it from her time on the streets.”

“Likely. I wonder how quickly she could learn magic.”

“I was meaning to talk to you about that, and some other things,” I said. “First, I have all the bits leftover from my trip. I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to steal from the Treasury…” I stopped at the amused expression on her face.

“Do you really think Luna and I don’t talk?” she asked. I sighed. “Keep the money. You might need it.”

“For what? If Taya is going to stay at your orphanage, I have no need for this much money. And I can’t teach her magic, Celestia. The schools here can.”

“You’re right. You can’t teach her magic,” she said with a significant look at Twilight.

The blood drained from my face.

She continued, “We’ll let Taya decide, of course. And Twilight will have to agree to it before anything happens. But I think she’s ready to take on a student.”

“You… you can’t… Why?”

“Because you’d make a good parent, despite what you seem to think, and it’ll do all three of you good. Twilight will lose some of her rashness teaching a student like Taya. You’ll lose some of your violent edge, having to take care of somepony. And Taya will get a family of sorts, and plenty of friends to go along with it.”

“One way or another, though, she’ll still be damaged. Psychologically, I mean. You can’t just erase years of abuse with… whatever substitute of love I have to offer.”

“There aren’t any psychologists in Equestria, Nav. Why would there be? Luna was right: Being with somepony who was there with her will be the best therapy for her. There are hardly any ponies in Equestria that would even be capable of understanding what she’s been through. You want a normal life for her, and that’s admirable, but after what she’s been through, normal isn’t a word that will likely ever apply to her. You have more of a chance fitting into a crowd than she will.”

“I know. It’s just… I can’t imagine myself as a parent.”

“Then don’t imagine yourself as a parent. She knows you aren’t, you know you aren’t. You’re her guardian, in more ways than one. Just take care of her.”

“I can… try. If nothing else, I can’t fuck her up worse than she already is.”

“Not quite how I would have put it, but if thinking that makes you feel better…” She smiled lightly and went back to reading. She finished with a frown. “We’ll talk about some of this later, Navarone,” she promised me.

Twilight and Taya came over to us then and Celestia’s smile returned. Twilight said, “She’ll do fine, Princess.” Taya was wearing one of the biggest smiles I’ve seen on her face.

“Wonderful! Taya, would you like to learn magic?”

“Yes, Princess.”

“Do you want Twilight to be your teacher?”

“I… I would like to stay with Navarone.”

Twilight and Celestia both smiled at that. “I think you know where Navarone lives, Taya.”

“He travels,” Taya said.

“But I usually live with Twilight,” I said. “If you stay with me, Twilight can teach you, and she can take care of you when I’m on a dangerous job.”

“Then… yes,” Taya said. I nodded, Twilight smiled, Celestia looked down at her with what should have been pity but what was instead happiness.

“Twilight, would you like to show your new student around the palace? I have some more things to discuss with Navarone.”

“Yes, Princess. Taya, do you want to go exploring?”

Taya looked to me, and I nodded and waved her to the door. They went out.

“I think she might be developing dependency issues,” I said, watching the door. “We’re going to have to work on that.”

“So what’s this about you being able to assassinate either me or Luna whenever you wanted?”

I turned back to her, only to find her standing uncomfortably close to me. I realized again how much larger Celestia is than the other ponies. Most of them come up to my chest. Celestia stood a head over me.

I didn’t back up, instead looking her dead in the eye. And I’m ashamed to admit how much courage it took to do it. “I proved to Luna last night it was true. I can. But I wouldn’t. I don’t think there’s anyone stupid enough in this world to accept a hit on you.”

“And yet you boast that you could do it. Tell me, how do you justify that?”

“It’s true. And there was no one around to hear.”

“Luna said you denied her wager, without even hearing what it was. I have one for you as well, and you’ll hear me out before you deny it. Tonight is the Grand Galloping Gala, as you know. Security in the palace will be at its highest. I will be watched from every angle, by guards and courtiers alike. Any food that will be brought to me will be tasted beforehoof. No pony gets to me without being seen by all manner of ponies. If you find any way to assassinate me, with a 100% chance of success—be it from poison, bolt, knife, or anything—take it, using a fake weapon or fake poison. I had a set of non-lethal bolts made for you, based on the bolts you left behind. I’ll give you three tries.”

“You said this is a wager. What do you get if I lose?”

She smiled at that. “Kat wasn’t entirely wrong, you know.” I was confused for a second, and then it hit me.

“No deal.”

“Nav—”

“Hell no.”

“Can I finish?” she begged. I didn’t say anything. I was somewhat—no, I was completely appalled. She continued in one of the most distraught voices I’ve heard from her, “I can’t ask you to understand what it’s like to live as long as I have. I get lonely. Students like Twilight are great. They give me a brief light in this long, lonely life. Actual friends, though… I can count on one of your hands the number of friends I’ve had over the years. I’d like to think you’re one of them, though. And because of that, I want you to understand. I am thousands of years old, but physically I’m only in my late twenties. I’m a mare. You can’t know what it’s like… I spent hundreds of years as a teenager, going through physical changes… I knew what I was missing out on, because of what I was. None of the ponies, stallions or mares, could understand the pain I was feeling at having to miss out on everything they got. Eternal life is, as you predicted in that conversation we had so long ago, both a curse and a gift. I’m gifted in that I can see my civilization grow and thrive, and I can know I’ve helped cause that. I can see trends in time, and stop mistakes before they happen again. I can help and save thousands with my experiences and my magic. But I watch everypony I grow to love and cherish waste away. I blink and they’re older. I turn my head for a second and they’re gone. I can’t build any strong relationships with a life like this. All I can do is just take what I can get. And I think I can get you. I can’t ask you to love me. I just ask you to give me something I’ve been missing out on for so long…”

Silence reigned for a while. I… was speechless. Finally, I managed, “Win or lose, I’ll give you some peace. It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for me.” I’m going to give a princess pity sex. What has the world come to?

She smiled sadly at me. “Thank you, Navarone. You can’t know how much this means to me.”

“I take it Luna is not to know of this?”

“Oh, she knows I was planning on making the offer. Her wager and challenge were… similar. I’m surprised she tried to tell it to you in the throne room, with her guards.”

“Oh man, is she pissed off at me now? I didn’t even listen to her offer!”

“She’s not. How could she be? You beat her fair and square before she even laid down the challenge or the wager.”

“Good… One thing about your challenge, though: Don’t warn the guards or the servants. It’s only fair to me, that way.”

“If I don’t warn the guards, and you attack me in the open, I don’t know if I’ll be fast enough to stop them from beating you down.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“Your funeral.”

“When does the challenge begin?”

“If I said now, I’d probably lose.” I smiled and hefted my crossbow to show her it was cocked. “That’s what I thought. The Gala officially begins at six. Any time between six and twelve is fair game.”

“Good. Where are the bolts I’m to use?” She nodded to a bookshelf, where I found them in a quiver. Next to them rested a wooden knife and a pouch. I decocked the crossbow and grabbed the new bolts. I took one out to look at it. “What in the… How does this work?” The top of the shaft was wooden, and it had the typical feathers sticking out of it. But near the end that’s usually pointy it… stopped existing. Sort of. I couldn’t see anything, but I could feel something.

“It’s the same as any other bolt, but it’s magically made. If it hits somepony, all they’ll feel is a twinge, and then the wooden tip is consumed in a flash. It’ll get their attention, but it won’t hurt.”

“Neat. Shame I’m only going to need one of them. Still, you never know.” I grabbed the quiver and picked up the pouch. “I assume this pouch is the poison I’m to use?”

“Yes. It’ll leave a very definitive taste that only ponies will notice. Magic has some interesting qualities. If you’re going to make a plan, you should probably go now. I know I need to get back to the preparations, anyway.”

“Go ahead. I’ll head back to my room first, then find Twilight and Taya.”

“Oh, one more thing. No pony is to know of our… agreement. And I’m not talking about the challenge.” With that, she walked out.

How the hell do I keep getting myself into situations like this?

When I got to my room, I dropped off the real bolts and the sword. I grabbed a cloak to conceal the crossbow, the bolts, and my wings with. The pouch and knife got shoved into a pocket.

I had a plan. An evil, dastardly plan. But first I needed to find Twilight and Taya.

They weren’t hard to find. Twilight was explaining the (very boring) history of some statue or something. I interrupted that lesson. “Twilight and Taya. Let’s go exploring a bit more, shall we?”

“We were exploring, Nav. I was just explaining the significance of this statue. It’s really very fascinating, you see—”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure. By ‘let’s go exploring,’ I mean let’s go exploring in a way that’s fun. Taya, lead the way.” I waved my arm forward. Taya put a smile on and tenderly walked the way I waved. We followed.

“Twilight, I need you to help me plan a surprise tonight.”

“What kind of surprise?”

“Do you still know that invisibility spell?”

At 6 o’clock sharp, Celestia began her welcoming speech.

At 6:00:01, she stopped her speech, a flare visible on the side of her head.

At 6:00:05, a disembodied voice said aloud, “You lose, Celestia.”

At 6:00:10, panic ensued. It was satisfying.

At 6:15, Celestia stood to address the considerably calmer crowd. A very mortified Twilight and a smug looking human stood flanking her. A group of very pissed guards stood around them.

Celestia restarted her speech, “Welcome to the Grand Galloping Gala. Sorry for the small interruption. I made a bet with my human friend here. He won.” I bowed theatrically. “My apologies for causing distress to you all. I was not expecting him to make his move so soon… But no matter.” The rest of the speech was the standard fare.

When she finished, she led us both away from the crowd for a second. “I should disqualify you for cheating, Nav.”

“You never said I couldn’t get help.”

“That’s why I said I should disqualify you. Twilight, what were you thinking?”

“He had his crossbow hidden! He just said he was going to give you a surprise!”

“It was definitely surprising. I was expecting you to hide in the gardens and try to sneak in.”

“That was one of my ideas, if Twilight hadn’t agreed to help me.”

“You’re clever, Nav. Way too clever. Go back to the party. I have to deal with ponies.”

I nodded and Twilight bowed. Celestia headed over to her traditional greeting spot.

“Navarone, you’re terrible,” Twilight accused.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. I’m going to go get Taya. You want to come?”

“Yes. I hate this party.”

I had left Taya in my room with a few books. I told her I might be a few hours. Twilight and I set up in that spot an hour before the Gala began, and stood or sat next to the wall for an hour, whispering. She wanted to know what I had been up to while I was gone, so I was telling her. There were a few close calls of servants and guards getting near us, but it was worth the wait.

We found Taya exactly where I left her. Before, I had to turn the pages for her, or she had to scrabble against the book with her hooves—I don’t know why ponies even use books if most of them can hardly turn the pages—but it seemed Twilight somehow managed to teach her a small amount of magic, as she was struggling very, very hard to turn the pages, her horn glowing weakly.

“Homework already?” I asked. Taya nodded. “One of the biggest parties in the world is going on right now, if you’re interested. Music—not the magical kind, though—food, people, gardens, all that jazz. Well, actually, not any jazz, sadly. I wouldn’t mind hearing some good jazz… But anyway, we’re heading back down to the party, if you want to join us.”

“I need to practice,” she said.

“Your choice. Just don’t turn into as big of a recluse as either of us was at your age.”

She nodded and turned back to her book. I shrugged at Twilight, loaded the quiver up with some real bolts just in case, and dropped the cloak off.

“Nav… There’s no reason for that.”

I opened my mouth, but Taya actually beat me to the punch: “Always err on the side of caution.”

I smiled sheepishly. “In a crowd like this, Twilight, I’ll not take any chances. There might be a few people looking to curry favor with Celestia by doing something to the person that beat her in a bet in the most public way possible.”

“She wouldn’t give any favor to anypony that did that.”

“You and I know that.”

“Fine. But I think you’re being overly paranoid.”

“That’s what Emerald Script said when I asked to return to the embassy. I found assassins when I got there.”

“Fine! Have it your way. But I still think it’s just silly.”

Back at the party, we both got swarmed by ponies. Some were ponies wanting to know how I did what I did, and some were unicorns wanting to know how Twilight did what she did. I explained the workings of a crossbow dozens of times. Twilight refused to explain the workings of invisibility hundreds of times, often to the same unicorns.

We had a surprising savior in the form of Princess Luna, who broke up the crowd around us with a simple pronouncement: “Twilight, Navarone, let’s go for a walk in the garden.”

When we got outside, I happily took a deep breath of the summer night air. It was tinged with the tantalizing scents of flowers and light perfume, a wonderful mix I had missed in Egypt.

“Thanks for the rescue,” I said. “If I had known how popular we would be, I would have just stayed with Taya.”

Luna nodded and replied, “Now you know how I feel at these things. I like having friends, but I don’t like having ponies talk to me to try to worm into my good graces.”

“Oh yes, that reminds me,” I said, digging in my pocket for something. I grabbed it and lightly poked Luna in the neck. “You lose again,” I announced, showing her the dagger. Luna sighed.

“Navarone, why do you keep killing the princesses?” Twilight asked.

“When I was in Egypt, I got to talking to a guard. I mentioned how easy it would be for me to assassinate Princess Celestia. Celestia or Luna was eavesdropping when I said it, and I don’t think they were pleased. Last night, Luna tried to make a bet with me that involved fake assassinating them, but I refused to hear of it. Today after you left, Celestia forced me to listen.”

“And what was the wager?”

“You know, I don’t even know what I won. I just know what would have happened if I had lost. Luna?”

She looked at Twilight, and then back to me. “The same thing that would have happened if you lost, but you get more control over it. I don’t know how better to explain that, right now…”

“I think I understand,” I said, nodding slowly.

“I sure don’t,” Twilight said. “What’s going on? What did you win?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s none of your concern.”

“You never accepted my wager, or my competition, Navarone. Would you like to change your mind?”

“I assume you have the same reasoning as your sister?”

A long pause. “I do. It’s hard, sometimes… You understand.”

I sighed. “You’re putting me in a bit of an awkward position. But I accept.” I poked her in the neck again before she could say anything. “Just in case,” I said.

“You won that competition with me last night. You just killed me twice for the fun of it. I didn’t think you hated me that much…”

“The fact that I agreed to the contests at all knowing what the wagers were disproves that.”

“Are you sure about this, Navarone?” Twilight asked. “I… think I know what you’re talking about. And I’m not sure I approve.”

“The only thing I’m sure about is that I’m not sure about anything. What’s done is done. I’ve agreed and that’s that.”

“...If you’re sure. I think I’ll head on back to check on Taya, see how she’s coming along.”

We waited for her to get out of earshot. “She’s getting wiser,” I remarked.

“You’ve never seen my rooms, have you?” Luna asked.

We didn’t see the end of the party.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

Luna and I kept up a small conversation as she led me back into the palace via a small servant’s entrance. I could hear some tension in her voice, and she was struggling to keep coming up with small things to talk about. I suppose she was doing it in case we were seen and overheard. Me, I was only feeling a small bit of nerves. I’m about to defile a princess. Fun.

We walked through the palace, ghosting through empty halls and silent rooms, half-hearing broken conversations from the Gala. Luna’s quarters were rather far from the garden. Why we didn’t fly was beyond me, but whatever.

We finally got to the hallway that leads up to her rooms. She froze as soon as they came in sight. “The guards!” she hissed, remembering them suddenly. She led me back a ways from the hall. “Keep your hand on my flank and don’t make a sound,” she whispered. I reached a hand out and tenderly touched her side. I assumed I was invisible.

My guess was proven accurate as she led me back up the hall right to her room. The guards saw her approach and somehow managed to stand even straighter.

“Get tired of the party already, Princess?” one of them asked.

“Nothing I haven’t seen already,” she answered, slowing down. “Just another chance for Celestia to show off. The only high point was when she got shot by the human.”

The guards’ mouths dropped.

Luna sniggered. “It was her own fault. She decided to challenge him as I did, and lost even more embarrassingly. That’s what we get for underestimating him, I suppose.”

“Don’t worry about that human, Princess. He’ll never get past us!” The other guard nodded in affirmation.

Luna smiled. “I know how to take care of him. You don’t need to worry about me,” she said. She flung her door open with magic. “Now, I don’t want to be disturbed for anything other than the end of the world or the return of Discord. Though one might lead to the other…” The guards saluted and we entered Luna’s quarters. The door quietly shut behind us.

It felt like entering an entirely different world. It was around twenty degrees colder and everything was black or dark blue. I took my hand off her back and looked around. I only saw a few spots of color: a wreath of flowers and several stuffed animals, both on tables near the back of the anteroom we were in.

“Look around if you desire, Nav,” she said. “I will go prepare.” She headed off with an air of purpose to another room.

There wasn’t really much to look around at. This room was about as bare as mine. A few tables and bookcases, a single chair and a few couches—ponies lounge on them, fuck all if I know why they have chairs. I ran a hand over one of the couches to try to tell what it was made of. Black velvet. I guess if you can afford it… I shook my head as I gently set my crossbow down on the couch. My quiver followed it.

I walked up to the stuffed animals, wondering why she even still had them. My hand gently brushed over them, memories surfacing of the Nightmare Night that felt so long ago. It’s odd. I remember being… happy with her, then. Happy in general, even. So many changes… To shake off the odd feelings, I moved to the flowers.

Red roses… I picked up the wreath, not thinking. I dropped it about a second later, a thorn having taught me a lesson. Who would give a necklace of thorned roses? Then it hit me. Someone—some pony, rather—that wasn’t entirely pleased at the thought of eternal darkness. Revenge and forgiveness, all in one. Why would she keep this? A constant reminder of her sins?

I idly sucked at my finger while I looked over the books on the cases. A few titles I hadn’t seen, a few Twilight would probably be interested in. It was fairly dark in her room, so I didn’t think I would be able to actually read any of them even if I was given much time.

She didn’t have any knick knacks or pictures on the walls.

Still looking at the books, I called out, “So what exactly did you mean when you said I’d get a bit more control?” I thought I knew, but I wasn’t sure.

I heard something near the room she had entered, but she didn’t say anything. I turned around and my breath caught in my throat.

The second most beautiful woman—human woman—I had ever seen was looking back at me. She was wearing a black sun dress that did very little to hide any part of her body. A long, dark horn stuck out of her forehead, jutting out awkwardly, one of the only things marring her form. Her dark wings were folded casually against her in a manner that I knew I could never mimic. Her hair was still gently flowing, which was awesome. The first word that came to my mind, aside from a few things I won’t repeat, was delicate. She looked like she would break if I so much as brushed her with a finger.

And she looked very nervous. She kept trying to meet my eyes, and every time she looked down after a few seconds. I finally tried breaking the silence. “Luna?” I whispered. She nodded, still trying to meet my gaze. I weakly pushed my way to her, fearing she would disappear if I moved too fast. I stopped when I was a foot away, and noticed that she was just a smidgen taller than I.

I can’t believe I’m really about to do this… I know it seems cheesy as fuck, but I actually cupped her chin in my hand and pushed her gaze up to meet mine. “You are beautiful,” I said. Then I remembered I was bleeding and jerked my hand away, murmuring a quick apology. It seemed a sin, to ruin the moment, but I didn’t want to risk her being afraid of blood.

I dropped my eyes and rubbed at my hand. She reached out and took the wounded digit in her hands. When she saw the blood, she sent a glare at the garland of roses. Her horn faintly lit up and the bleeding stopped. I ran my other hand over my face, to find that the scars from the assassin were also gone.

We met each other’s eyes. She started speaking. “After a long talk, Celestia and I both decided that you would be a lot more comfortable like this. We both know how much you hate being a pony… And after a few other considerations, we decided it might be best for all involved if we let you have some control. Of course, we couldn’t just come out and say that; much more fun to think you earned it. Or so she thought. I think I know you better than that.” She was right.

“A few other considerations?” I asked, somewhat fearing the answer.

She blushed, confirming my guess, but she said it aloud anyway: “Well, we were watching the whole time you were in Egypt. We saw some of your… interactions… with Kat. The way those cats moan!” She shuddered slightly, possibly in anticipation. “It wasn’t just for you that we decided this. We also saw you with that unicorn when you were in jail here. Or at least, Celestia saw you.” That bitch! They did make that cell cold on purpose! “Mind, there’s a limit to the control we’re giving you. For example, if you don’t lead me into that bedroom right this minute, I’m going to drag you in there and rip off all your clothes and make you take me on the floor.”

“As you command, my princess,” I answered with a small smile. I considered surprising her by carrying her to the bed, but I didn’t see any reason for fake romanticism. I was planning on doing my best to make it memorable, but I didn’t care to do too much and risk her thinking I actually did have feelings for her.

As I gently pulled her into the room, I had one of my common errant thoughts: I’m about to have pity sex with a princess. Where did I go so right in life?

“Now, a bit of a disclaimer: This might hurt if it has been a while since you last got laid,” I warned her.

She blushed slightly and her hands fidgeted with her dress. “Then be gentle.”

Oh boy, it’s been a while for her…

“I’ll try,” I said. “But I’ve never really had to before. Just tell me if I’m doing something painful.” Alright, first time having sex with another human. About fucking time, that’s for damn sure. Now let’s just not ruin it.

I looked at her and saw how nervous she was. Too much thinking, not enough sexing.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her. She was surprised at first for some reason, but recovered quickly enough. After a moment, I felt her wings and arms stretch around me and hold me. She eventually opened her mouth a little, allowing my questing tongue to snake in. She moaned lightly at that and tightened her grip on me. This was the first time in a long time I had been in the dominant position when making out with a chick and I really didn’t want to cut it short, but…

My head pulled back from hers. “You didn’t go through all this effort to just make out,” I said, smiling.

She was blushing furiously, looking at me with a surprised look. “I’ve never even heard of two ponies doing that!” she gasped. I just lifted an eyebrow and she blinked and turned her gaze down. “I-if you’re… ready…” she whispered.

“I’m doing this for you, Luna. I’m here to make you feel good.” Great, and now I made myself sound like a man whore. She didn’t seem to mind my wording, though, and haltingly moved to the bed. Before she could lay down, though, I said, “I think you’re forgetting something, Luna.” She turned back to me and blinked. “Please, allow me…”

I pulled her back to me and wrapped my arms around her again. She smiled and moved her head in again, thinking I was just going to kiss her. I lowered my hands down to her thighs and pulled her in closer. She gasped, looking at me in more surprise. I just smiled and raised my hands, bringing her dress with them. They stopped where her legs met her body. I leaned in and kissed her again, distracting her from what my hands were doing. I gently reached between her legs with one of them and found what I was feeling for.

With a gentle flick of her clit, I had her moaning into my mouth. I continued lifting her dress with one hand while the other gently toyed with her. She was wet enough that I could slip a finger inside. When it pierced her lips, she gasped, pulling away from the kiss and breathing in deeply until I was knuckle-deep.

Then I hit a bit of a snag. How the fuck am I going to get this over her wings? To distract her from my dilemma, I began pumping the finger in and out, her natural fluids acting as lube. Man, fuck this dress. Seeing no other option, I just tore the fucking thing and then pulled it off of her. She didn’t seem to mind. After all, it’s not like she really needed a human-shaped dress that often anyway.

Despite the fingering I was giving her, she pushed me away, allowing me a look at her body. So much for that dress not hiding much. Hot damn! Small and perky, just a nice handful. “You’re beautiful,” I said with a smile, somehow making her blush even deeper.

“Your turn,” she said, likely meaning my clothes.

Since one of my fingers was rather wet at the time, I looked in her eyes and stuck it in my mouth, cleaning it of her warm juices. Her eyes widened when she realized what I did and I began stripping down. She watched me with what I assume was hunger in her eyes. When I was naked in front of her, she looked me up and down with a smile. “Sorry to disappoint,” I said with a shrug.

“Oh, I don’t think you will,” she answered, her eyes finally moving down to what she wanted, already hard and ready to play. Her smile deepened as she reached out and pulled me close. “Now, I think it’s time we got started. I need you,” she whispered.

Need? I gently picked her up and held her in my arms like a hero. Or a newlywed… I kissed her again as I walked to the bed. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. I sent her down on the bed. Her smile was so wide… I couldn’t help but give it an answering smile.

I wish I knew how her wings were folded like that… Shut up, brain. You’re almost done thinking for the night. “I’m not a gentleman, but I know better than to just jump into the main event,” I told her, stroking her closed wings slightly. She shivered at my touch. I withdrew from her slightly and got on my knees at the end of her bed, then inched my way toward her and gently grabbed her waist.

She looked at me, confused. “Nav, what are you doing?”

“Making you feel good,” I answered, moving my head down between her slightly open legs. I took a gentle lick at her jewel and was answered with an intake of breath. Nice and sweet, just the way I like ‘em. I pulled her closer to me and began my efforts in earnest. Since her clit was already bared, I gently took that into my mouth and began sucking on it. As soon as the pleasure registered in her mind, both of her hands grabbed the back of my head and latched onto my hair.

In response, I started circling her little nub with my tongue, making her start jerking my hair as she moaned into the air. My hands reached around her waist and gently groped her cheeks, squeezing at her. She began to grind into my face, still jerking my hair. I can’t imagine my unshaven face felt that great against her most sensitive of areas, but the way she was moaning, she obviously enjoyed it anyway.

When I pulled away from her clit for a second, she instantly forced my head back down onto her. “Don’t stop!” she half-moaned, half-commanded. I was just planning on repositioning myself anyway, so I did as she begged. My tongue reached down to her actual folds, teasing apart her tender lips and finally getting a proper taste. Slightly tangy. Slightly sweet. Very worth it.

As soon as my tongue got inside of her, I heard a gentle pomf from above me. When I looked up, still tonguing her, I saw that her wings had slammed open and were quivering. Her face was bright red, her eyes were squeezed shut, and with the way her hands were on my head, her petite breasts were squeezed together.

When I swirled my tongue, her back arched and she squealed, cumming and letting loose more liquids that cascaded into my mouth, a warm taste of pleasure. I lapped the fluid up as she began bucking, trying to milk the cock for which she so yearned.

Soon, her spasms subsided and she was left panting for air as I pulled away, my lower face covered in her love juices. As she struggled to recover, my hands gently caressed her, teasing glances of contact that dissolved before she could feel any real pressure. Goosebumps covered her skin, her small hairs sticking straight up.

“That… that was…” she panted, barely able to speak.

“Just the beginning,” I whispered, pushing myself over her, my wings already spreading as I began lining myself up with her entrance. “Are you ready?”

Instead of answering with words, she forced herself up, hugging me and kissing me deeply. I took that as consent, and slowly pushed myself around down there until I found her very welcoming entrance.

She was still very sensitive from what I had done, so as soon as my tip prodded her lips apart, she broke the kiss and moaned, her fingers trying to scratch at my back. Thankfully, she lacked fingernails. As I continued to push in, she finally found something to grab onto: My wings.

My breath caught when she started jerking at them, but after a moment, I kept slowly moving, trying to give her time to adjust. But she was tight, her body naturally squeezing me until I finally bottomed out, fully inside of her. I paused there, gently grinding, letting her body get used to being filled again.

Finally, she whispered, “I’m ready…”

My body slowly lifted, pulling out. She gasped as she felt my love shaft receding, sliding against her walls. I pulled almost all the way out, breathing deeply at the sensations her body was providing. When I could only feel her tight warmth around my tip, I began pushing back in, faster. She moaned as I thrusted deeper, trusting that her rusty body was again in working order.

She offered no complaints, only squeezing and pulling at the base of my wings in tune with my thrusts, making my wings sway and spasm as we made love.

As we danced to a tune as old as life itself, I realized that there was a problem neither of us had foreseen. She was a human woman. I was a human man. That meant babies were an unpleasant possibility. Judging by the way her moans were reaching a beautiful crescendo, she was nearing her climax.

And despite my experience with Kat, a man can only take so much. The way her feathery walls squeezed against me, the feel of her slender body against mine, the thought of finally making love to a human… All of it was building up inside of me, spreading out the pleasure in my mind and focusing into one area that was about to erupt.

She let out one final scream and yanked my wings so hard I heard them pop. The sudden moment of contrasting pain was all I needed. I pulled out, spilling my seed onto her belly. Her body bucked and writhed under me, riding the throes of pleasure. I panted heavily, hardly able to hold myself above her, still dripping precious life fluids onto her stomach.

Finally, she fell back against the bed, struggling to breathe, her frantic attempts to bring in air shifting my warm baby batter and dislodging it from its fragile position on her stomach. Before she could fully recover, I forced myself to my feet, knowing I needed to escape before she could beg me to stay. Don’t fall for a trap, don’t get forced to stay.

She seemed to barely notice me as I hastily dressed on shaky legs, uncaring of the mess I was making from our combined fluids in my britches. Knowing I couldn’t just leave without a word or action, but also that I must hurry, I just wadded my shirt up and leaned down over her, gently kissing her before pulling back. “I had a wonderful time,” I whispered, gently stroking her wet bangs from her eyes. She tried to formulate a response, but I kissed her again, stealing what little breath she managed to save.

As one of her hands reached up to try to grab me, I pulled back, standing again.

“Sleep well, Princess of the Night,” I said, backing to the window.

“W-wait,” she breathed as I pushed it open and let myself fall out, soaring off into the night. Can’t risk letting that love kindle. But that was… an amazing experience. Certainly something to remember.

(Sex is over)

I don’t know what time it was when I got back to my room. Taya and Twilight were asleep in the bed. It was larger than the ones we were used to, but not large enough to fit a pony, a filly, and a human. I grabbed a pillow from the closet and used my cloak as a blanket. Despite thinking I’d never get to sleep, I was out rather quickly, due to days of traveling and waking up early, then fucking a princess.

This time, I got to sleep in for quite a while. I was finally woken up by Twilight, who “Got tired of waiting for your lazy butt to wake up.”

“I want some pancakes,” I groaned.

“Then go to the kitchens and get some. I’m not about to go do it for you,” Twilight told me.

“You’re so ungrateful,” I accused.

“Me? Ungrateful? You involved me in a plot to assassinate Celestia! And then Luna!”

“That’s neither here nor there,” I said, getting up. “And it’s not getting me any closer to pancakes. I’m going to the galley. You want to come, Taya?”

She got off the bed, where she was reading, and walked over to the door.

“What, you’re not going to ask me?” Twilight said.

“You’re a big girl now. I don’t think you need me to hold your horn. Shall we, Taya?”

We went, Twilight following and muttering a few unpleasantries.

The kitchens were pretty easy to get to, and it wasn’t so late that they weren’t willing to make breakfast for us. Taya and I got pancakes, despite Taya not knowing what they were. Twilight got a waffle just to be difficult.

Around noon, I was summoned to meet Celestia. Twilight and Taya stayed behind to work on some more magic.

I brought only a belt of throwing knives this time, and I made sure they weren’t overly visible.

“Your stunt last night was humorous, Nav, but it was hardly wise,” she said.

“No assassin that attacks you will have the benefit of a unicorn helping him.” Probably.

“That isn’t the only thing I meant. Disappearing into the night with Luna was also ill-advised. It might raise a few questions.”

“Questions will always be asked, no matter what the circumstances. As long as Twilight was careful in how she returned to my room, we can easily brush the questions off with nothing happening.”

“Fair enough. As to that other matter. The matter of your winnings…”

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

“You know,” Celestia said with a coy little smile, “I never did tell you what you won.”

“I’m listening,” I answered with a smile of my own.

With a flash of her horn, we teleported to what I assumed was her room. “You see, Luna and I are opposite in several ways…” she said.

“Oh God, don’t tell me you have a penis!” I have absolutely no idea where that thought came from and I just blurted it out without even thinking.

She gave me a look of total shock before bursting out laughing. “No, Navarone. I most definitely do not,” she finally managed to say. I was more than a little embarrassed. “What I meant,” she continued, “is that our bets worked a little differently. Or rather, our wagers did. You see, you were supposed to lose mine and win hers.”

“So… what exactly did I win?” I asked hesitantly.

She smiled darkly. “You’re about to find out why you should ask questions like that before you take bets.” Her horn glowed again and my clothes fell off of their own accord, leaving me naked but for a belt of knives that was hidden under my clothing. “Oh, you think you can defend yourself against me?” she cooed, using magic to send the belt away with ease. “As I said, I am the opposite of my sister,” she said in a sultry voice, walking closer to me. I wasn’t really feeling that comfortable with this situation, and I started backing away until her horn glowed again and I froze. “When you won her challenge, you won control. When you won my challenge… Well, you lost control.” She was right in front of me now, and looking down into my eyes with a gaze that I could only define as creepy.

You know how her hair normally moves on its own? Well, now it was moving on its own down, touching the tip of my dick and gently stroking it. Oh God, that’s so soft…

“Now come along, my little human,” she said in that same tone. “You’re going to give me a very good time…” She used her magic to pull me into her bed chamber. She backed into it, her hair molesting me the entire way.

“That’s… kind of what I wa—Ooh—expecting to do anyway. Can you… can you stop that?”

Her smile somehow deepened. “You lost your control of this, remember?” Her hair continued toying with me. I was now fully erect, her hair stroking me with light touches, sending hundreds of pinpricks of pleasure into my mind. She finally backed into her bed and stopped. “First things first: I do believe I need a massage. And I bet those fingers of yours are just perfect for it…” Her hair finally stopped, leaving me gasping slightly. She winked at me and jumped on the bed.

I had her pegged right when I called her Trollestia. Or maybe now she’s Molestia. Her magic released me, dropping me lightly to the floor. She was lying on her stomach, head turned and eyes half-lidded, giving me bedroom eyes with those beautiful pink irises. I’m going to go to hell for desecrating the pony goddesses. Fun.

I climbed on the bed and straddled her back. “I have almost no experience in this,” I warned. “So if I fuck up and break your back, I’m going to preemptively blame Spike.”

“Why Spike?”

“Because he seems like a good fall-guy,” I answered, moving my hands up to the base of her neck. “You do seem a bit tense, though. Maybe you should take a vacation.” I began applying pressure and she slowly began to loosen up. As I said, I had no real idea how to go about doing this, but I really don’t think I could screw up that badly.

From the way her body was reacting, I was thinking that I was doing something very right, actually. I could feel her shifting against my loins, her soft fur gently rubbing against me in ways that would make me call for an adult if I wasn’t currently with the oldest living pony on the planet. Not like I wasn’t enjoying it anyway. The lower I moved, the more she started to shift and the more pleasure we both felt.

“Is that a banana on my back, or are you enjoying this as much as I am?” she moaned.

“Fur is no longer as creepy as I thought when it comes to sex. And you’re moving just right…”

“And those hands are just as fun as I thought they would be,” she answered with a sigh.

I just continued my way down, bypassing her wings since I knew that would make her jump right to the main festivities. She didn’t seem to mind. I was now sitting on her flank, rubbing her lower back.

I felt her tail rise up and prod lightly at my back as I continued my work. A moment later, I felt it slithering around my waist. I thought it was going to stop at my manhood and deliver some nice feelings, but it continued around my waist. I never realized how long her tail was until it had me trussed up with still enough room to toy with me.

She began to run the tip of her tail up and down my shaft, teasing me with hair-light touches as I continued—or tried to continue—massaging her. I wasn’t able to pay much attention to what I was doing with her tail brushing against me like that.

“Oh, giving up already?” she mocked. “Well, I know what to do to bad stallions that don’t do as they’re told.”

I was starting to pant a bit. “Does it i-i-involve getting on with it?”

“Nope.” Her tail somehow pulled me back and dropped me on the bed. How is this thing so strong? It continued teasing me the whole time. Celestia turned her head to look at me. “What makes you think naughty stallions deserve any release?”

“I could… think of… a few reasons,” I forced out, trying to ignore what she was doing. God, I can imagine her doing this to some poor bastard in public.

She lifted one of her wings and looked it over. “I’m sure you probably could. Why don’t you try to articulate them for me?”

I opened my mouth to say something when her wing shot out and took the place of her tail next to my shaft. She started running the tips of her feathers up and down me, turning what I was going to say into a garbled moan.

“Oh? That’s your argument? I think I’ll just continue playing with you, then.” Her wing gently caressed me, featherweight touches causing me to shudder in pleasure. I sighed as she continued toying with me. “Getting tired of it? Well then, I guess I’ll just have to try harder.” Her tail released me and she turned to face me fully. Both of her wings extended to me. The tips of one gently circled my head while the other slowly traced my shaft.

I threw my hands to the side and gripped the bed as hard as I could, trying to fight the feelings inside my manhood. My eyes squeezed shut as she continued. Just as I was about to cum, her wings withdrew.

I opened my eyes in disbelief, just in time to see her mouth wrap around me and feel her tongue flick out to caress my tip. That was enough to get me to release my seed into her waiting throat. She moaned at the taste as her tongue wrapped around my shaft, milking me for all I was worth. I finally relaxed when I felt her mouth release me.

She pulled her head up, smiling. “I don’t remember saying you could cum.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be so good at this.”

“I don’t hear you complaining.”

“It’s nice, being the focus of attention in one of my intimate sessions. Usually I’m being raped and have to focus on making the other person feel good.”

“I never said we were done, Nav! We’re just getting started…” With that, her horn glowed. I felt energy pumping into me, removing all the sleep deprivation I had and making me stand at attention. “Now that’s what I like to see! Just one more thing…” Her horn lit up like the sun and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block the light out with my hands. A moment later, the light was gone. I opened my eyes, blinking them to try to see again. In front of me kneeled a very tall woman. Without seeing her stand, I’d have to guess she was around six and a half feet tall. “You said my sister was beautiful. What do you think of me?”

“I’ll let you know when I can see without spots in my eyes.”

“That’s just my beauty radiating away, blinding you.”

“You should try modesty.” I was finally able to actually see enough to determine physical features. “Let’s see…” Breasts the size of melons, a wonderful hourglass figure, and a face you wouldn’t really write home about. The sun princess of ponies was a butterface. I made a point of looking her up and down. “Eh, you’ll do.”

She punched me in the arm. “Tell the truth.”

“Most people would consider your body sexy. Your face, not so much.”

“Most people? What would you consider it?”

I reached my hands out and grabbed her melons. My hands couldn’t wrap all the way around. I felt her nipples start poking me. “I consider this excessive. You could kill someone with these, if you weren’t careful.” I let them drop and reached around her, grabbing her bottom. “Nice and squishy,” I said, pulling her against me. “I’m not complaining, of course. I know you did this to make me more comfortable. Even if you are a giantess.”

“Well that’s good to hear. There wasn’t anything you could have said to stop me from ravishing you anyway, but now I guess I’ll have to work harder to make up for my looks.”

“Oh come now, it’s not like you’re ugly. And with this body, you could easily catch eyes anyway. I just happen to like a different figure.”

She pouted. “You mean like Luna’s.”

“Yeah. Twilight’s was also nice.”

“Oh. You’re just saying that I’m old!”

“It’s like you’re looking to be insulted. How about I just show you that I’m okay with your body?”

Her pout disappeared and a scary smile appeared. “I think you’ll remember that I am in charge here.” Worth a shot. “Now then… This human shape is relatively new to me, but something you did with your cat friend interested me.” Her horn lit up and her bed changed consistency. I looked down and saw we were on a cloud. Thankfully, we were still in her room. It was okay to do something like that in Catro when there are no other fliers, but in Canterlot? That would end poorly.

I was a bit lost in thought when she pushed me onto my back. I fell, the cloud fitting nicely around my back. Celestia gave an evil smirk as her horn glowed. I felt something attach to my wing joints and tighten, pulling them back and holding me steady onto the cloud. I tried to pull up, only to find that I couldn’t move at all. So my wings were tied and held and I was stuck. Her horn glowed again and my hands shot off to the sides and were similarly tied.

“Uh… I’m not so sure about this, Celestia.”

“Well, I’m sure about you not having a choice one way or another. Now, let’s see…” She pulled herself off my lap and walked around the cloud a few times, looking me up and down. “Yes, this will be quite fun,” she finally said. “I know that tongue of yours is skilled, but sadly I don’t have all day to enjoy this. So…” She swung a leg over my lower body and straddled my thighs, leaving my member resting right up against her. “This human body is rather strange, but I’m willing to bet it works quite the same as mine, at least in one regard.” Her horn lit up again and something came flying to her from across the room.

She took it in her hands and popped the little bottle open. She grinned as she poured a little in her hands and began applying it to me. “Lube?” I asked. “You aren’t wet just from looking at me?”

She looked up from her work with a dark smile. “Who said anything about that hole being wet?” Oh. OH! Holy shit.

“I’ll admit to not knowing much about anal play, but shouldn’t you stretch a bit first?”

“And here I thought you paid attention to your pretty princess,” she said. She leaned up a bit and reached around behind her, then pulled a small plug out. She must have seen the ‘what the fuck’ look on my face. “It’s amazing what tails will hide, when you control them with magic,” she sighed, throwing the toy aside. “I’ve been waiting for this for a while.”

She pushed herself up and slowly positioned herself over me. She looked in my eyes as she slowly let herself down. When my head popped in, she bit her lower lip and continued lowering herself, still watching my eyes. I don’t know why, since I’m pretty sure I was fair—holy shit!

She started squeezing down on me as she lowered, her muscles milking me. I felt my eyes roll up and close as my hands balled into fists. Good God, this is not fair! This isn’t fair at all! She finally hit the base and stopped moving, just letting herself adjust and continue squeezing. “Look at me,” she commanded.

I forced my eyes open. Her face was lightly blushed and she seemed to still be smiling. She said, “Now do you see what comes from letting me have my way?”

“A fun surprise,” I gasped out.

She didn’t answer with words. Instead, she started lifting herself off me. She got to where just my head was inside before letting herself fall again, still squeezing me just right. “Look lower,” she ordered. My eyes fell down to her snatch and I saw that she had one hand rubbing it while the other held her steady against my stomach. “These human hands are quite nice,” she idly commented. I don’t know how she was so calm about this.

When she hilted this time, she started picking up speed, riding my manhood and putting me in bliss. Since there was nothing I could do for her, I just let my head fall back and allowed the waves of bliss to overtake me. I saw her breasts jiggling as she bounced up and down on me and couldn’t help but giggle a bit. Why did I think those were excessive? I wanted to reach a hand up to fondle them, but I was a little bit tied up.

“Oh, see something you like?” she slyly asked.

“Just rebuking myself, is all. Your body is quite nice, now that I see it properly in motion.”

“I’ll remember that. Now, the only noises you’re allowed to make are moans.” She won’t get too many of those from me, but I think I like what she’ll do to try.

When I started getting used to her riding me, she started grinding, still squeezing with her disturbingly strong muscles. She never stopped rubbing herself, either. We were both panting when she started pumping me again, bouncing up and down as we both fought against being the first to cum.

Surprisingly, she actually climaxed first. With a scream, she put both hands on my stomach to stabilize herself, squeezing her breasts in a manner I found most delightful. I think I enjoyed the spasms her muscles were making even more, squeezing me randomly and finally pushing me over the edge. I coated her intestines in my warm juices as she leaked hers over my stomach. She finally hilted herself one last time as we both rode our orgasms, mine short and hers lasting nearly a minute. She was panting as she pulled herself off me. She made sure I was looking when she replaced her plug.

“I wouldn’t want to waste a drop,” she said with a smug little grin. “Now, how should we get cleaned off?” She didn’t wait for an answer. Her horn glowed and I sunk into the cloud. I fell all the way through and it lifted off me. When it was gone, the mess she made on me went with it. The ropes also disappeared and I found myself lying on her regular bed. I sat up from the uncomfortable position—fucking wings—and turned to her.

“That was fun.”

“Yes, it was. I would like to go a few more times, but sadly, duty calls. We went slightly over schedule, but you won’t hear me complain.” Her horn lit up bright again and she turned back into a pony. “If you ever find yourself needing time to… relax… by all means, let me know.”

“I’ll have to keep that in mind, as long as Luna doesn’t get wind of it. Wouldn’t want to make her jealous.”

“I think the same offer goes for her. But I know I prefer having you here than having you with her.”

“Experience is refreshing, yes. But being able to teach the other what you like is also fun. I guess I can juggle two sisters.”

“Brave words. We’ll see how that turns out, then. But now, I really do need to go. Feel free to show yourself out when you catch your breath.” With that, she teleported away. I just shook my head as I started trying to find all my clothes.

(Sex is over)

Chapter Forty-One—Talking with Monsters

Chapter Forty-One—Talking with Monsters

I was filling water bottles from a serene river in my second week in the forest when I found something unexpected: A giant water dragon thing.

I handled that exactly as one would expect a knight of Equestria to: I freaked and tried to run away. I mean, what are the chances of getting a friendly dragon twice in a row? His hand shot out and grabbed me before I made it three paces.

“And what are you, cute little ape thing?” the dragon asked with a bit of a lisp. Oh god it’s gay and thinks I’m cute. “I say, with a little bit of work, we might just make you presentable!”

“Uh… Hello,” I said. He jerked back; I don’t think he was expecting me to be able to talk. “I don’t… I don’t suppose you could put me down?”

“A cute winged ape thing that talks!” he gleefully said. “Oh, this is just wonderful! Tell me, what do you think of my mustache?” The way he pronounced mustache… I wanted to punch him.

I looked at it. Half of it was orange and straight and half of it was purple and curly. I looked back up to his large eyes. “It looks a bit mismatched,” I commented. “Hell, that half looks like Rarity’s tail. Now, I don’t suppo—”

“You know Mistress Rarity?” I flinched when he called her mistress. “Oh, she’s such a dear! This is her tail! Or rather, it was. She helped me out of a fashion emergency a few years ago, and I’ve been wanting to repay her ever since!” God, his accent was so flamboyant!

“That’s nice. I don’t suppose you could set me down? Or at least loosen your grip?” One of my arms was trapped and I couldn’t get to any of my main weapons. I’m surprised he hadn’t broken my crossbow.

“Set you down? But you tried to run before! How do I know you won’t dart away again? It’s so… lonely… out here.” The way he said that sent shivers down my spine. That isn’t… that isn’t even possible. Surely he wouldn’t try.

“What would you do if a giant popped up out of nowhere and scared you?” I asked. “I thought you were about to attack!”

“And why would I do that? You’re much too cute to attack!”

“I don’t know, I figured you might have been hungry.”

That was the wrong thing to say, after I thought about it. He licked his lips and loosened his grip, looking me up and down. His eyes settled in a place I wasn’t comfortable with. “It has been a while since I had a snack…” he mused.

I gulped. “I’m uh… I’m already in a committed relationship,” I said.

“It’s just you and me and the forest,” he said with a small sigh. “No one else has to know…”

“She’s a unicorn that can see through my eyes. She’s probably watching right now, actually.”

“She?” he said, surprised. After a moment he sighed. “The good looking ones are always taken… Still, I don’t suppose you would mind keeping me company for a while? This forest gets so dull.”

“You could move. There’s plenty of water in the world.”

“Oh, I know, but the water in this forest makes my scales shine so!” He twirled in the light, scales reflecting light all over the place. He was obviously fishing for compliments.

I didn’t say anything.

After a moment, one of his eyes twitched and he went back to talk, “Besides, most of the races in this world don’t appreciate my absolute beauty!”

“That’s… interesting,” I said warily. “But I really must be going. I have somewhere I need to get and I’m already running late. I just stopped by the river to fill up my water bottles.” I lifted my wings, ready to take off.

His grip tightened around me again. “Leaving so soon?” he asked, his voice dipping a bit in what I have come to recognize as a sign of insanity in this world.

“I suppose I could stay… for a little while,” I said, my hand struggling to reach one of the knives trapped under his hand. I looked up in the sky. Few hours until dark. Luna always watches, even if Celestia doesn’t.

His voice returned to normal as he said, “Excellent!” He proceeded to talk my head off about fashion, hair, and scales for hours. He also mentioned my feathers a few times, which gave me horrifying flashbacks of Kat. Every time he reached down to gently stroke one of my wings, I flinched, and he did it a lot. Apparently it’s relatively common knowledge how sensitive pegasus wings are. Never once did he loosen his grip, though I asked several times. Each time he brought the topic close to how cute he thought I would look wearing so and so, I casually mentioned my unicorn girlfriend.

As soon as the sun started going down, I started muttering, “Help me Luna,” over and over, just low enough that I was hoping the dragon couldn’t hear me. The way he was constantly talking, I’m surprised he could hear anything at all.

I wasn’t paying attention to him at all so I was surprised when I felt his grip tighten suddenly. “I know!” he said, much louder. “Let’s play dress-up!”

Oh fuck no. My hand finally pulled the dagger from the sheath and I slashed his fingers with it. He dropped me with a yelp and I fell into the river, my body too numb to fly or move. Before the river carried me away, I disappeared.

And landed, wet, cold, and miserable, in the royal palace. In front of a startled griffin envoy and Princess Luna. I tried to sit up, but I couldn’t move my body after being held in his tight grip for so long; I had barely been able to pull the dagger out.

“S-s-s-sorry f-f-for drop-p-ping in,” I muttered, shivering.

“What is the meaning of this?” the lead griffin demanded. “Why is your armed knight here?”

I let my dagger fall from my fingers. Luna saw the state I was in and called one of her guards up. “Remove him,” she demanded, pointing to me. “Take him to the infirmary. Put a guard up. He is not to leave.”

The guard bowed. Luna used magic to lift me to his back. My dagger flew to her throne. That’s when I closed my eyes, letting the guard carry me along. I heard Luna give some manner of apology before we were out of the room.

When the doors swung shut behind us, I managed to say, “Just set me down wherever; I’ll leave when I can move again.”

“Sorry, sir. Princess Luna’s orders supersede yours. You’re going to the infirmary, where you are not to leave,” the guard answered. Fuck.

We went the rest of the way in silence. Thankfully, it wasn’t that long of a walk; this guard’s armor was digging into my stomach, now that some feeling was starting to return.

He took me to a familiar room with a segmented bed. “Can you move yet, sir?” he asked.

I gently slid off his back and barely held myself up. “I think I’m… good,” I said. I stretched my wings and arms out a bit, feeling circulation painfully returning to parts of my body. “Yeah, I’m good. I won’t leave, so you don’t need to worry about a guard.” He looked at me like I was an idiot and walked out. I knew if I looked outside, there would be a guard.

I started taking my wet clothes off. I used a towel I found in one of the drawers to dry me and all of my blades off. All that done, I slid into bed, waiting for Luna to let me leave. My clothes were dried and back on me by the time she sent for me.

“Come on, Sir Navarone,” the royal guard said, stepping in. “Princess Luna wishes to see you.”

I stood and stretched a bit. “Where is she?” I asked. “I’ll save you a bit of time.”

“She’s in her room. But she asked that you be led there, so you don’t think to wander away. Sorry sir, but we have to follow her orders.”

“I understand. Lead the way.”

He led me right to her door and knocked on it. It opened quickly. When Luna saw us standing outside, she said, “Come on in, Nav. Thank you, Sunshine. You may return to your post.”

“Wait, Sunshine?” I asked. “A night guard named Sunshine?”

He blushed lightly. “Sunshine Smiles, sir.” He saluted and left.

I entered Luna’s room, shaking my head slightly. I turned to shut the door.

And when I turned back, I found myself staring down my own dagger. “I had a lot of appeasing to do for you, Nav,” Luna said in a somewhat angry voice.

“My apologies,” I answered, holding my hands in a placating gesture. “I was trying to get your attention for nearly an hour. I finally had no choice left. That damn water dragon was trying to get me naked for lewd purposes.”

She smiled at that. “Isn’t that what I do? And a few of your… friends?”

“Yes, but it’s a lot more enjoyable when one of you are doing it. He would kill me trying anything.”

She rolled her eyes. “Either way, I feel like you owe me for this.”

“Uh… Okay. Do you mind lowering the dagger?”

“Sit, Navarone,” she said, the dagger jerking toward a couch. I slowly walked over to it, the dagger following me. I sat stiffly. She used magic to pull a couch close to the one I was in and she sat. The dagger didn’t move.

“So what’s with the dagger, Luna?” I finally asked. “You know I’ll do anything you ask as long as I find it reasonable, and I think we both know you won’t ask me to do anything too unreasonable.”

She glared at me and the knife came closer. I tried to lean back, only to find that I couldn’t move. “It seems to me that you aren’t able to do much unless it’s forced,” she said, anger entering her voice. “And you certainly aren’t willing to tell me much unless you have no choice. So I’m not going to give you one.”

Oh shit, she remembered the talk she wanted. This didn’t make it into the… well, regular journals, so I’ll repeat it here: Luna was pissed at me because of intimacy issues stemming from being raped too many times. The irony of this was lost on her.

Here’s a basic rundown of the night this all occurred in: She turned into Nightmare Moon. Things got rough. She told me to stop her if she went too far. I tried but she didn’t listen. I stopped trying. She got mad. We got interrupted before we could discuss it. I assumed she had forgotten. Apparently she hadn’t.

“And you’re willing to kill me?” I asked. The knife moved closer. “Name your subject then, and let us talk.”

“I think you know what I want to discuss, Navarone,” she said.

“Okay… So what’s up with a night guard named Sunshine Smiles? That’s just ridiculous!”

She looked at me blankly.

I sighed. “I have issues, Luna. I have been abused way too many times. You went way too far that night and when I mentioned that I wasn’t comfortable, you ignored it. So I didn’t bother after that because if you ignored me the first time, why would you listen the second? I have found that resisting in the face of a more powerful adversary just means pain before you are defeated. So I just took the defeat with the hope that it wouldn’t go on for long.”

She looked like she was about to cry. Maybe it was the matter-of-fact way I said it. Maybe it was the fact that she knew she hurt me. Maybe it was the idea that I’ve learned to give up so easily. Who knows?

The knife dropped to the floor. “You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?” she whispered.

I knew what the right answer to that was. I was supposed to say Of course not. I pulled her into a hug and whispered, “Yes, I am.” She tried to pull back, but I didn’t let her go. “I didn’t want to say any of this, but you asked me. You told me to tell you if you hurt me. I did. You kept going. And the entire time you were terrifying me.” She was crying, still trying to pull away from me. “I’m not going to let you go, Luna,” I said. “If you want to make any kind of relationship between us work, we’re going to have to be honest.”

She was silent for a while. Eventually, she whispered, “And… you’re just willing to… forgive me? Just like that?”

“I’ve forgiven others for worse. I accepted your deal knowing that I might be asked to do things I wouldn’t enjoy. That doesn’t make what you did right, but I agreed to do whatever you said.”

“And would you, again?” she asked, a twinge of hope entering her voice.

“Not without laying down rules. And not without teaching you more. Now that you know what you know about me, I have less to worry about, but still. Every time you opened your mouth, you scared me more and more, which is not the point of bedroom talk. We can go over all of that later, though.”

She gently pushed me back, using only enough force to make sure I didn’t have a choice in letting go or not. “So you believe… honesty would be best?” she quietly asked, looking me in the eyes.

“Well… Maybe not best. There are some things you probably don’t want to know…”

She shook her head. “You can’t have it both ways, Nav,” she said. “I want to know. What happened to you? Truly, what drove you to be so… submissive?”

Oh boy, here we go… Seeing no other option, I told her about my luck with women in the past. Or at least, I told her about the bad luck. No names were mentioned, because I could totally see Luna going psycho-bitch and hurting them.

“...This explains much,” she said when I finished. “Why would you ever let them do that to you?”

“To protect Spike, in one case. And because I didn’t want to risk offending the naga clan, in the other. I’m good, but not good enough to beat that many snake-fish people.”

“Admirable reasons… What are the names of those that mistreated you so? Revenge will be swift and simple.”

Called it. “It’s not worth causing an incident over, Luna,” I answered. “One of the tenets of how I tried to live my life back on Earth was to turn the other cheek. Forgive and forget.” One I never actually followed, but she doesn’t need to know that. If I get revenge, it will be on my own. “And either way, I will not have someone fight my battles for me.”

“In stealing from you, they stole from me as well,” she said. “By ruining your mind in such a way, they have prevented us from enjoying many things together. Is revenge not mine to take as well?”

Well when you put it that way… it makes you sound kinda crazy. “Just drop it, Luna.”

She sighed and nodded. “Very well, Nav. It seems we both need to work on our bedroom manners. There are things I apparently need to work on just as there are things you need to work on.”

“Yeah…”

Her horn lit up and we teleported to her room. “Let’s get started on it then, shall we?”

The rest of those seven years are going to go by too quickly…

Chapter Fifty-Eight—Life as a human in pony land is always busy

Chapter Fifty-Eight—Life as a human in pony land is always busy

I found Kat and Jocasta sitting at a café around the time the sun was coming up. After a moment’s hesitation, I joined them. “The dog boss didn’t try to kill me,” I commented as I sat. I noticed Kat was sitting on a cushion. She flinched when she saw me.

Jocasta said, “She did not mention which dog would kill you. From the sounds of things, the dogfather is making things hard on you, and your princess doesn’t seem to be giving you any support. If you wish, we can protect you.”

“No, the princess tried giving me guards. I turned them down. Besides, if I really needed help, I’d rather go to my dragon friends. Just one gave Kat here a run for her money.”

“Oh?” Jocasta said with a smile, turning to Kat. “Is that why she’s been sitting stiffly and walking funny?”

“Yep. The dragon held her and I gave her a spanking. I think she enjoyed it.”

Kat opened her mouth, but very wisely decided to not say anything.

A waiter came up before Jocasta could reply. “What can I get you three?” he asked.

I looked up hopefully. “Don’t reckon you have coffee?” I asked.

“…What’s coffee?”

I sighed. “Milk. From a cow, preferably. Tea, if any is ready.”

“We have—”

“Surprise me.”

He shrugged and turned to the other two. They both asked for some weird tea.

He turned to go. “Hey bro, just give me whatever they’re having. Save yourself some trouble and bring a full pot.” He nodded.

Jocasta asked, “What’s coffee? And milk? And,” she said while looking at Kat, “what is a spanking?”

“I know you know what milk is. It’s the stuff that comes out of breasts or udders, often fed to babies or ca—Hmm.” That’s an interesting idea. Cats on earth liked milk. What about cat people here? “Coffee is a human drink. A spanking is good fun, as long as I’m the one giving it. If you’re interested, I can show you later. Or I could have Kat help me demonstrate.”

I actually got Kat to blush. I don’t think she had been on the receiving end of abuse like that in a while. Or maybe she was just terrified of antagonizing me in case I sold her out to the dragons.

“If it is something you did with her, I don’t think I am interested.”

“Shame. You strong willed ones are always fun.” I leaned back in my seat. “So what’s going on in Egypt? Any more revolutions in sight?”

“After we tracked the rich slaver with your assassin and executed them both, things have gotten frighteningly quiet. Miguel is constantly on edge, stabbing several shadows. If he wasn’t a war hero, he would be executed as a threat. Most of the citizens are content. Your ambassador is still doing her job.” Jocasta shrugged. “It’s a lot more fun leading a revolution than it is helping manage the country afterwards.”

“I’d rather do neither,” I answered. “I wish I could find me a nice female of some race and settle down away from it all. But the work never ends for us heroes, does it?”

The waiter came to our table with the tea and milk. He set down a few cups and left. I grabbed the teapot and poured everyone a cup and set it back down.

“It’s hard to imagine that the ponies consider you a hero,” Jocasta commented as she held her cup up and sipped at it. “I honestly believed they would condemn you for what you did.”

“They don’t know the full story. And I’ve done quite a bit since then. Hell, I’m a knight now, if you can believe it. Fucking Bitchlestia won’t let me stop.” I tried the tea. It was strong, but drinkable. It was also really fucking hot. I tried the milk to cool my mouth off. “Yup, that’s milk.” I passed the cup to Jocasta. “Try it.”

She shrugged and lifted it to her mouth. Her eyes lit up “My my. That’s a wonderful taste.” She passed it to Kat. “You need to try it.” Kat sighed and did so. Her eyes lit up as well, but she didn’t say anything. “Quiet today, hmm? What’s the matter, human got your tongue?”

Kat opened her mouth to say something, but her eyes focused somewhere between Jocasta and I and her pupils went to pinpricks. “Ihavetogo.” She stood up and sprinted from the table.

“Has she been acting like this back in Egypt?” I asked, grabbing my cup again.

Jocasta frowned. “No. Something is wrong.”

Before I could ask what, Pinkie joined our table. “What was that about?” she asked, probably meaning Kat.

“Dunno,” I answered. “Didn’t say a word until she burst out that she had to go.”

“Not a word, huh?” Pinkie asked, sipping at Kat’s tea. “Yuck!” She grabbed the sugar thing in the middle and dumped several spoons into a single cup.

While she tried to turn her tea into molasses, I asked, “Why do you think she might be acting like that?”

“It takes a lot to scare Kat,” Jocasta mentioned. “You said one of your dragon friends roughed her up. Maybe she’s afraid if she pushes your buttons wrong, it’ll happen again.”

I smiled. “The only way I’d let her push my buttons now is the right way. If she tries to do what she did to me during the March, I will kill her and eat her. I would break my code of not eating sapient animals just for her. But… there’s a reason we fucked the last time I was there. She’s good in bed. As long as she can play nice, I’m fine.” I noticed that Pinkie’s stirring gained a new intensity while I was saying that.

“Oh, is someone jealous?” Jocasta said with a giggle. “Might want to be careful, Nav. Your date here is looking a bit green.”

“She’ll get over it. She isn’t as clean as she pretends.”

“If you like rough,” Pinkie said coldly, “I can do rough.”

“I don’t. I broke that kitty; she was tame. My last lover made that mistake. You know how that turned out.”

“Oh?” Jocasta said. “I sense a story.”

“A story not for your ears,” I answered. “The short version is that my last lover had a blood fetish that I did not share. I left her.”

“I would have as well,” she said with a nod. She turned to Pinkie. “Well, he seems to be happy to ignore your needs. What about it, sweet thing? Want to make some music?” So that’s why she ignored my advances.

Pinkie shook her head. “Nope, don’t have time! I just wanted to remind Nav that he owed me a conversation. And that we’re going right back to our apartment after he finishes visiting with his friend and he’s going to give it to me.”

I shrugged. “Fair.” I looked to Jocasta. “I don’t suppose you’re interested in a threesome?”

“Oh, is that what mares consider conversations? While it would be amusing, I should probably find out what Kat’s problem is.”

“Leaving so soon? You never even asked me how my life has been.”

“That’s because, quite frankly, I don’t care. You were useful during the March, even if Kat did turn you into her little bitch. Unless you find a way to be useful to me again, I don’t see any desire in knowing more about you.”

“Hah, I always knew you hated me!” I shrugged. “If you’re ever interested in some hot sweaty hate sex, look me up.”

“I think I’d prefer Pinkie. Or better yet, Kat. You don’t know the catch you got with her. And she is still useful to me, so I actually care what is wrong with her. So I must bid you both adieu.” She drained her tea and stood. “Good luck with your mare problems, Nav. And Pinkie, good luck with your human problems. I suggest holding a friend hostage; it worked well for Kat.” With that, she left.

“Those two pussies left me with the bill,” I sighed. “Ah well.” I dropped a few bits on the table. “I suppose we can head back now, if you want.”

“I most definitely do. Let’s go.” It’s not like Pinkie to be so serious about something. I shrugged and followed her.

I’ve never seen Pinkie so silent, even when she was sleeping.

I heard Flo finally wake up and say, “You’re treading on dangerous ground, Nav. I know what you’re planning on saying. You need to be more tactful.”

I grit my teeth. On one hand, she was right. I was planning on being very blunt. But on the other hand, I wanted this over with. I get oh so tired of dealing with ponies thinking I need to ‘open up’ or tell them about my problems.

She led me right there with no interruptions. It was odd, in a way; yesterday I was getting caught off track by every little thing. She opened the door, ushered me inside, and closed it behind herself. I sat in an armchair so she had no way of getting in my lap. She somehow pulled a couch over so she could lounge upon it and stare at me.

“Come, ask me your questions,” I said.

“Why can’t you let anypony in?”

I smiled, nodding. “Good opening question. Almost every friend I ever had has betrayed me. Why risk telling anyone anything when it will very likely be used against me in the future? I could ‘let someone in,’ but it wouldn’t be worth it.”

“You said you forgave me!”

“But I can never forget! You stole my innocence, Pinkie! I will carry what you did to my grave. You and Rarity were the first betrayals among many, but both of you still burn the brightest. You say that you’re a good friend, that you want me to trust you. Remember what happened last time I made myself vulnerable and trusted you? It involved me getting fucking raped. Hell, just about every time I trusted one of you ponies not to do the wrong thing, you went and stabbed me in the back. So that’s why I won’t let anyone in, Pinkie. Ponies are terrible friends and are very untrustworthy. They read my journals without permission, they hurt me, they lie to me, and they tell secrets. You know all those are true, because you are one of those that read my journals.”

There was the sound of a balloon deflating as her hair sank back down to flat. She looked like she was about to cry.

I rolled my eyes and continued, “Frankly, I think most of you would make terrible special someponies as well. No, fuck that word. You’d make terrible girlfriends. I’ve never technically had one, so I won’t completely rule it out, but based on that track record and how horrible most ponies have been otherwise, I’m not about to hold my breath. Now, do you have any other questions?”

I probably fucked that up. Flo confirmed it with, “Yes, you most definitely did.” Do I even care anymore? “This is Pinkie, Nav.” The very same Pinkie that raped me? She shut up.

Pinkie whimpered. “I’m… I’m a terrible friend…” With that, she began to cry.

For some reason, I had a sick desire to stick more needles in, but I withheld. I knew that I had every right to after what she did, but I wasn’t going to.

I stood. “I’m going out. Don’t be anywhere without a number of ponies. If you need, we can talk more later.”

I walked out, Pinkie still crying behind me. She didn’t have anyone to comfort her this time. She could fucking live with what she did. God knows I’ve had to for this long.

I was chilling with some griffins a few hours later drinking illegal mead and playing poker when I got a tap on my shoulder by a hoof. I turned to find a very irate looking Shining Armor standing behind me. “Navarone, what is that?” He nodded toward the mug in my hand.

I turned to look at the table behind me. All the griffins were gone and most of the chairs were knocked over. The bits from the poker game were also gone. I turned back, drained the mug, and said, “An empty mug. Why?”

He facehooved, shaking his head. “Come on. The princess wants you, and with you always wearing that ring, she can never find you.”

“So how did you end up being the one to find me?”

“She sent me personally to make sure you came.”

“Well, Celestia’s going to be a bit pissed. I’m a little drunk. Think we can take a moment to get some food or something so I can let the alcohol soak up?”

“Nav… why are you doing this to yourself?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why.” I wasn’t that drunk, but my steps weren’t even and I was slurring a bit. “Actually… Flo?” It took me a minute to realize I said that out loud.

“What? What does that mean?” Shining Armor asked.

Flo sighed. “Yes, I can try to sober you up. Give me a minute to eliminate the toxins.”

Now that is fucking awesome.

“Just a buzzword, Shiny. I’m good, let’s go. What did she need?”

“She didn’t say,” he answered as he began leading the way. I followed. “She sounded distraught, which is odd for her. She usually has more control. Did you do something you shouldn’t have?”

“Not that I know of.” We passed a table of food and I grabbed a few chicken legs. “God I love griffins. I think I’ll spend the rest of the party here and at the dragon place. Shit, maybe I’ll take Bloodbeak’s offer of an advisory position. I ain’t got nothing holding me to Equestria other than a knighthood that’s name only.”

“You have nothing holding you back? What about Taya?”

“Better off without me.”

“Your friends?”

“Fuck ‘em. Tired of them all. Three of them raped me, one knocked out all my teeth, one almost got me killed, and one sold me out. Most of the others are cool, but I’m really not close with any of the ponies anymore.”

“Nav, I know you didn’t get raped three times by ponies without reporting a single one. You really have no right to complain after the first one if that’s true.”

“Well, your sister only did it because of love poison. That doesn’t change the fact that I still remember it, but I don’t think the law recognizes that as rape. The other two… They happened at about the same time. Hell, that’s not even counting what Luna did to me that last day. Shiny, unicorn 101: If you horn link with someone without a horn, what happens to the person without a horn?”

“They have no control at all in the environment created. If they are present, they are merely observers. Why?”

“Luna failed unicorn 101. She didn’t know that, somehow. Or if she did, she pretended not to. Shit, you want to know why I broke up with her? Here, let me tell you what she did.” I did. I told him everything she did to me in that dreamscape as we walked.

“Nav… there aren’t words in the Equestrian language for how horrifying that is.”

“Try holy shit. Or what the fuck. Or sorry, I’m leaving you. So you can tell your wife to blow it out her ass; I’m done with Luna, unless I have a good damn reason to change my mind.” I barked a laugh. “You remember that incident recently when everyone started dreaming about fucking me? Yeah, she did that on purpose, apparently. She looked through my eyes, saw me fucking someone, declared me a harlot, and turned the dream machine on so everyone could get a taste of it. It didn’t take her long to realize how badly she fucked up.”

“Do… do you have any proof?”

“A night guard told me. That’s all the proof I got. Shit, not like you’re going to arrest any of these people anyway. By now, I’ve seen how your law system works. Since it happens to me, Celestia doesn’t care. Raped by Kat? Look who’s walking free on the streets. Raped by Luna? Look who’s still in power. Raped by Twilight after Celestia herself gives her the poison? Look who I still live with. So yeah, I think I’m done here, unless I start sobering up and think of a good reason for staying.”

“How… how much… Are you lying?”

“Nope. Welcome to my world, Shiny.”

“Can I look through your mind to verify any of it?”

“Not right now you can’t. To do that, I’d have to take my ring off, and given the time zone differences Luna might still be awake. And since apparently she’s clingy, she’s watching everything I do. Man, I really need to sober up. You weren’t supposed to know any of what I just said.”

“Nav… Why aren’t you telling anypony about any of this? These aren’t things you hide!”

“Yeah. But at the same time, something something about showing weakness.”

“What? You just said ‘something something.’ How does that even make sense?”

“Shut up, I’m drunk!” Hurry up, Flo. “Look man, I’m from a very different place. That’s the only real excuse I got. Now, I really need to stop talking and start eating before I get to the pony quarter and they see me with chicken.”

He didn’t comment, which was good. I was tired of hearing ponies say how disgusting meat eating was. I quickly devoured the chicken and started feeling better almost immediately. When we finally got to the pony quarter, I grabbed some cake and started eating that; bread is pretty good for soaking up stuff, right?

“Man, she really needs to start sending pegasi to get me,” I said as we continued trudging through overflowing streets. “You damn ground pounders are so slow.”

“Nav, how can you be so nonchalant after everything you said you’ve been through?” Shiny asked.

I shrugged. “I’m used to it. Actually, no, that’s a bad answer. I should say that I’ve slowly built up an immunity of sorts. No one here knows about my life as a human or what it was like. I tell you, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. It wasn’t terrible, but it gave me the right mindset I needed to survive everything I’ve been through. And it’s all been a downward spiral of pain and misery ever since I got here. Seriously, for a place that has such happiness and sunshine on the cover, the people that have to keep all that happiness together have a shit life.”

He barked a laugh. “Think of me what you will, I have my share of experience there. I haven’t been through what you have, but my career in the guard wasn’t a walk in the park either. Nightmare Moon, that debacle in the Middle East, and Chrysalis were the three highlights—or perhaps low points—of my career. But they aren’t the only things. I’ve had to kill countless monsters that sought to make ponies lunch, I’ve had to track down and deal with several bandit gangs, I have to constantly practice and hone my magic, now that I’m a prince I have to deal with tons of royal stuff… And by Celestia Nav, the PAPERWORK! The difference between heroes like me and heroes like you is several thousand pages of unimportant, bureaucratic paperwork.”

“I wouldn’t mind filling out a few hundred forms if it meant I didn’t get raped.”

“You have a very fair point. By the way, can I get names for the other two that raped you?”

“Why? So you can drag them to jail, have their trial conducted by Celestia, and they walk free? I don’t want to waste your time. I’d rather keep breaking them down emotionally about it.”

“Navarone, there are other avenues you can pursue than getting them arrested. The princesses might be in charge, but they can’t undo several thousand newspapers that all say the same thing.”

“But if word got out, they could very easily stop those newspapers from ever going to print. I’ll think about it and I might tell you once I sober up.”

He sighed. “Alright, Nav. I know better than trying to take anything from you.”

“Yeah… I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through, bro. I know you’re just trying to do your job. Your job and my job just happen to clash sometimes.” For being a lawful good type, he really wasn’t all that bad. I don’t think I’d ever do another job with him, but he wasn’t that bad.

“Most of where we clash isn’t because of your ‘job,’ Nav.”

“Yeah, I know. I just needed an excuse for why I’ve been a dick. You know, aside from a few years of torture.”

He didn’t answer. I mean, what would he really say to that?

We were walking along in silence when I was whirled around. Before I could register what happened, my fist shot out to punch the person doing the whirling. I brought my hand back, wincing.

“That wasn’t very smart,” male Kumani said. “Where’s your pink friend? I’ve been stuck like this for too long and it is starting to get aggravating, dodging that insufferable Purifier.”

“I don’t know. Last I saw her, she was crying in our apartment. Did you look there?”

“I knocked and waited ten minutes. If she’s there, she’s not answering the door. You are going to help me find her.”

Shiny spoke up, “No he’s not. He’s coming with me to the princess.”

“Yeah, sorry. Shiny found me first. That means I’m going to Celestia. You are welcome to tag along, but she might not let you inside.”

Shiny said, “I was told to bring you alone, Nav.”

I shrugged. “There you have it. Sorry, doll. You’ll just have to keep looking.”

“Or I come with you and wait outside. You are annoyingly hard to find in this city.”

I looked at Shiny. He shrugged. I turned back to Kumani. “Alright.” We began walking again. I fell back to talk to Kumani where Shiny couldn’t hear us. “I don’t think he remembers much about the dogfather job. Don’t ask and don’t mention it.”

“O… kay.” It was kind of an odd thing to hear.

We finally made it to our destination. Kumani was made to wait outside. We left him glaring at the guards. Shining Armor and I were led to a sitting room where Celestia sat, alone. In front of her couch was a table with my gender stones on it. Another couch was on the other side of the table.

“Navarone, sit. Shining Armor, leave.” She didn’t sound amused. I shrugged and sat while Shiny left.

I reached out and grabbed the gender stones when I was down and pocketed them before saying, “I was happily getting drunk, until that killjoy scared away my sources. What do you want?”

She sighed. “Pinkie came to me a few hours ago, Navarone. She told me… many things. Some of which explained things I’ve wondered about for years.”

I held up a hand to stop her. “Celestia, why the fuck should I continue living in pony lands?”

She opened her mouth to respond before closing it. Eventually, she asked, “What do you mean?”

“Since I got here, my life has been hell. What is keeping me from moving away from Equestria?”

“I… Taya?”

“Would be better off without me. Try again.”

She was silent for a moment. “A sense of duty?”

I nodded. “That was what used to hold me here. But when I stopped caring about duty… What am I left with?”

“Nav, think about the friends you’ve made!”

“Bitch, you just talked to Pinkie! Tell me what she told you.”

She shut up.

“That’s what I fucking thought. Try again.” We sat in silence for nearly a full minute.

“The knowledge that you can still help my little ponies?”

“And why, Celestia, should I give one little damn about your ponies? Rape, kidnapping, attempted murder, mind rape, torture, lies, betrayals, and more. And your little ponies are afraid of me. Sure, some of them give me respect. But in Appaloosa, I was treated like trash. Some of the ponies here don’t mind me, but I’ve seen looks from others. Why should I stay in a place where I’m barely tolerated despite being a national hero when I could go somewhere like Egypt where I would be practically worshipped or Gryphus where I would be given a position as an advisor to the king or to Chrysalis, where I would become king? The dragons offered me a position in the horde. Another species, a member of the dragon horde! The dogs would probably love me, now that I took down the dogfather. So why am I still here, Celestia?”

“I don’t know,” she quietly answered.

“And neither do I. You are very, very fortunate in one aspect, Celestia. I never leave my debts unpaid. Even after every part of me that you ruined, I still have that. A year. You have a year to think of a reason for me not to leave your horrible kingdom. And if I find out that you told anyone at all about this conversation, I’m leaving that day. I’ll pack my bags, grab as much gold as I can carry, and you’ll never see me again. Do we have an understanding?”

She sighed. “I am saddened that it came to this. Believe me, I understand perfectly. If you had told me so much more, so much could have been avoided, Navarone. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Be honest. What would you have done?”

“I… Navarone, you must understand, Twilight and her friends are important for the national security of Equestria. They’re the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. To lock any of them up… It would undermine our main defense strategy.”

That’s news to me. I had heard of the Elements, of course; I read every book in Twilight’s library at least once. It seems ridiculous to claim that Twilight and her friends were them, though. Yes, each embodied some parts of some of the elements, but some of them betrayed parts of the elements in dealing with me.

“So what you’re saying is that important ponies are above the law.”

“No, of course not!”

“So Luna is going to be punished for raping me. Or for sexually assaulting every single pony by making them dream sexually about me. And you’re going to be punished for casting that sex spell on me that led to me being given a drug that led to an orgy that I had no control in. Or for giving Twilight the love poison and leaving when you knew exactly what she was going to do to me.”

“Those were all a long time ago…”

“Less than a fucking year! And where I come from, there is no statute of limitations on rape, anyway. Or attempted murder, like Luna tried to do to me with that moth.”

“Luna is being punished for that—”

“By being locked in a city and given all the royal treatment a princess could possibly want? How terrifying.”

She was trapped. “Well what do you want me to do, Nav? Tell everypony the paragons of friendship and the princesses they’ve all grown up idolizing are guilty of terrible crimes? Sow fear and confusion in the heart of everypony out there?”

I crossed my arms. “One of the elements of harmony is honesty, Celestia. Would you want all of your ponies believing in idols that are so terribly flawed? You have two choices. Either admit you care nothing for justice and the ideals of friendship that your entire nation is built upon, or tell every one of your fucking ponies the truth.”

It was silent in that room for a while. I wish I could take a picture of her face. It was a mix of horror, anger, and shame.

Finally, she said, “Just because I built this nation does not mean I have to be a paragon of its values. Navarone, you have been through hardship after hardship. I’m not going to invite hardships upon my ponies by telling them the truth like that. Yes, it makes me a terrible pony. I’m so, so sorry. I swear upon my crown, I will force you to do nothing you do not want to do after you repay your debt. Upon my crown, I will force Luna to stop eavesdropping on you. Upon my crown, you will have whatever you want within reason. I know that can never undo what has been done to you, but I hope it can help you ease the terrible burdens on you. I hope that it can help you forget my injustices and the injustices of the pony race unto you. If at the end of the year you still want to go, no pony will stand in your way. In the roster of the knights, you will be marked as away on business of the realm. Think of me what you will, but I thought of you as a friend.”

“Then I’d hate to see what you do to your enemies.” I stood. “If you need anything else, then it’s a good thing you have an army of ponies that actually care.”

I walked out. Shining Armor was waiting on the other side of the door. When it closed, he said, “I heard every word.”

“And?”

“I’m seriously considering quitting the guard.”

“Don’t. The captain of the guard needs to know what the princesses are like, and you better believe the next captain won’t have a clue. Do you need anything else?”

“…No, Nav. I’ll talk to the… to Celestia.”

“If she steps near you, back away. She’s taken memories from you before. She could easily do it again.”

He nodded. “I will. Somepony needs to remember this.”

“Good luck, then.” I left as he opened the door.

Kumani was baring her teeth at a guard that was just glaring at her. She dropped her expression when she saw me. “Can we go find the pink one now?”

“No need,” I said, pulling the stones out of my pocket. I walked up to him and reached out the pink one.

“Hold on, Nav,” he said. I pulled the stone away. “Being a guy presents me with a few unique opportunities. Now that you have control of the stones… Well, let’s walk.”

We started leaving the pony area. “I’m not really in the mood for anything like that,” I commented when we were away from the guards. “I’ve had a shitty day. I want to go back to the griffin quarter and drink illegal stuff until I can’t think anymore.”

“Oh come on, Nav! When am I ever going to get to experience sex like this again?”

Fucking hedonist. “Fine. Maybe that’ll help pull me out of this damn dark mood. With my roommate, it might not be a good idea to use my apartment.”

“I have a friend whose place we can use. Don’t move.”

“What?” That’s all I had time to ask before he picked me up and jumped into the air, spreading his wings wide. “Dammit, I hate—mmph!” He kissed me again, jamming his tongue down my throat yet again. When he pulled away, I realized we were on the ground. “Will you stop fucking babying me?”

“But it’s so fun!” I think he could see the anger brewing on my face, as he quickly set me down. “Alright, fine. If I overstep, I’m sorry. It just seems natural for some reason.”

I grit my teeth. “Is there anywhere in this damn world where the females are actually submissive and sedate?”

He chuckled. “Not that I know of. Now come on. My friend might not be here, so we need to hurry.”

I sighed and followed him in.

The next day, I woke up with a splitting headache and not knowing how I actually fell asleep. It took me a moment to realize why it was so dark and it took me even longer to get out from under Kumani’s wing. She had a damn death grip on me. I sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing where the hell I was. I just cradled my head in my hands.

“Flo, did I do anything I’d regret last night?”

“Look on the other side of Kumani.”

I achingly turned my body around and saw Pinkie wrapped up around Kumani’s arm. “Huh. How the fuck did that happen?”

“You saw her down and depressed and told her to join you and Kumani. You got very drunk last night.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Look at Pinkie’s hair.”

I did. It was all poofy again. “That doesn’t answer my question. I don’t care if it was worth it for her. Should I regret it?”

“No.” Good enough for me.

I stood and went to look for a bathroom. When I found it, I drank as much water as I could hold. I returned to the room and gathered all of my junk and then jumped out the window, flying back to my apartment for a shower.

I didn’t really want to go back to that clothing shop alone; that guy was talking way too much about my ‘beauty’ and ‘form’ for me to be comfortable around him. However, what’s a single unicorn going to do against someone with a magic nullifying ring that’s decked out in weapons?

With that somewhat comforting thought in mind, I touched the pink stone, got dressed, threw on some weapons, and jumped into the air. It was around noon when I landed in front of his shop.

I walked inside to see a dog and a griffin standing in front of a terrified looking shopkeeper. “The dogfather ain’t in charge anymore, pony,” the griffin said. “We take however much we want.” That’s as far as he got before a bolt sent him off to Valhalla or whatever the birdbrains believe in.

The dog whirled around, surprise on his face. He turned just in time to see a knife landing in his chest. He looked at it in horror that quickly turned to rage. He grabbed it and tore it out, throwing it aside. He began charging at me just as the next knife hit him in the face.

“I’m here for my orders,” I said, stepping further into the shop.

“Y-y-you k-killed them!”

“Yeah. If the stuff’s not ready I can come back later.” I continued walking, up to the bodies. “But I’m getting my knives and bolt first.”

“I’ll… I’ll go… I’ll go get them.” He went into a back room. I heard retching.

I grabbed the knife in the dog’s eye and wiped it on his coat. I went over to where he threw the other and wiped it off as well. I sheathed them both and tried pulling the bolt from the griffin. It broke. I shrugged, took off the part with the arrowhead, and left the rest.

I removed the dog’s purse and checked it. There was a note inside. “The boss got pinched. The boss boss. The majority of the Flankfurt mafia heads will be meeting at the library safe house to decide who will be in charge. Those of you that want to change your colors, meet up there. Burn this note.”

I looked up. “Fuck, dogs are stupid.” I pocketed the letter and went into the back room where the shop owner was in the fetal position. “Do I need to just come back later?” He whimpered. I started backing up. “I think I’ll just come back later.”

“No! Please… don’t leave me…”

“Look, Mister Fashion Shop Guy, it’s kinda obvious you aren’t used to death. I am. Those guys were here to rob and/or hurt you. It’s probably for the best that I killed them.” He looked at me with bloodshot eyes. “Okay, that’s a nice touch. How did you get your eyes bloodshot that quickly?”

Flo sighed. “You could try being more sensitive.”

Flo, I still have a pretty bad headache. What the fuck am I supposed to say?

“Hug him.”

Dammit, Flo.

I sighed as I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. “It’s okay, mister fashion guy. It’s over now.” Aside from getting rid of their bodies. And the blood. And the horrible smell.

After a few minutes, he calmed down enough to say, “I’m… I’m good now.” I quickly let him go and stood up, backing away.

“Sorry, man. I’m not used to dealing with civilians anymore, at least not when it comes to stuff like this. If you stay in here, I’ll go get some guards to… deal with the remains. Are you okay alone?”

He shakily nodded. He didn’t look pleased at the notion of being left alone, but I think he liked the idea of having bodies in his shop even less. I stood and walked out of the back room, closing the door behind me. I changed the sign on the window to say closed and left, looking for the nearest guard. I quickly found one, and he got a crew together to deal with the remains and aftermath.

When the bodies were cleared, I finally opened the door of the backroom to find the fellow in a relatively decent, if nervous, state. “Everything is gone,” I said. He sighed in relief. “Now, about that order?”

He nodded once, happy to have something normal to think about. He bustled over to a clothing rack and pulled off a very tasteful looking outfit that I could actually see myself wearing if I ever had to spend time as a girl. “I had a lot of fun making this outfit. To make something to fit you, your grace and beauty, calmness and precision… Its making was payment enough.” What is it with these fashion ponies and free clothes?

He then went over to a small chest and pulled out my goggles. “I did not like making these so… basic, but that is what you requested.”

I smiled. “Perfect. Both of them. Thank you, mister fashion store guy.”

“Please, try them on!” He passed the outfit to me.

“Do you have any kind of changing room?”

“…A what?”

I shrugged and began stripping down, making sure my weapons didn’t get too far away from me. It would be just my luck that this guy tried striking while I was naked.

He was definitely getting an eyeful and smiling like crazy. I didn’t really care, honestly. As long as he didn’t try anything, he could look all he wanted.

“Are all… humans like you?” he asked while I was putting on the new set of clothes.

“No. We’re all different in one way or another. Most aren’t cold-blooded murderers, if that’s what you meant. About half are males, with different body types.”

“Where do you come from?”

“A different dimension. I was brought here by accident. I think I’ve made a decent life for myself.”

“A knight of Equestria, if I heard right.”

“You did. Rumors spread far and fast, it seems. Shame not all have heard them.”

“You’ve had trouble with ponies in the past?”

“Yes. A place in the mainland was very, very cold toward me.” I shrugged. “Ignorant hicks. They recognized royal authority, but most of them weren’t happy about it. This fits well.” I finally finished putting it on. It was very form fitting, emphasizing the feminine curves I wasn’t overly pleased that I possessed.

His grin widened as he looked me over, nodding. “Yes, it does. It was a joy to make, and I’m glad you like it.” I didn’t say that, but I did like it.

“I do need one more thing, if you have the time. I need it today, preferably before I leave. I can pay plenty, if it would disrupt any other orders.”

“It’s no problem! Not for somepony that saved my shop from those crooks. What do you need?”

“A cloak and cowl. I need a way to stay hidden as I walk among the ponies, something that I can use to appear like a cat or dog.”

“You want to hide your wonderful body? Why?”

“I’ve become a target. As little as I like hiding, staying visible is likely worse of a choice. I could kill everyone that comes at me, but I’d prefer not to make a scene in every street between here and my apartment.”

He slowly nodded. “Yes, I can understand that. It should be very easy to make. Do you have any color preferences?”

“Pale white, something that would be seen in the deserts. If I look like a mercenary from Egypt, I’ll be left alone.”

His eyes got a faraway look for a moment before he nodded once and went back into his shop proper. I grabbed my stuff and followed him, strapping weapons on and putting the goggles around my neck, ready to be pulled up if I needed them.

So just what was that song you were singing, anyway?

Flo answered, “An old song about a man and a woman during times of war. The man gets called off to battle and the woman is mourning her loneliness, pining away until he returns. When he does, he comes home broken, an emotional wreck that can’t seem to handle a relationship no matter how loving the woman tries to be.”

Talk about a fucking bummer.

She didn’t answer.

The shopkeeper walked out of another back room carrying a few bolts of off-white cloth. The bolts floated over to a sewing machine and things began happening. I never knew much about the process, but half an hour later he pulled a very large cloak and cowl mix off and passed them to me. “Are these satisfactory?” he asked.

I took a moment to put them on. “Yes, very much so. It’ll be hot, but I’d rather be a little bit warm than under attack. You’ve been awesome, mister shopkeeper. How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. You saved my shop, after all.”

I rolled my eyes and reached into the wad of clothing I removed and grabbed one of my coin purses. I tossed it onto an unrolled bolt of cloth. “If you need me for anything, just let me know.” I started for the door before he could open the sack of coins or try to pass them back.

I got out just as I heard his shout, “Wait!” I sighed and looked back. “Are you… doing anything tonight?”

I blinked. That, I was not at all expecting. “Unfortunately, yes. One of those criminals had a letter on him. I have to look into it and deal with what it said. The aftermath of that will likely take all week and then I’m going back to the mainland.” I shrugged. “If things were different, I would take you out. Sorry mister fashion guy.”

He did look a bit sad, but he nodded. “I understand. Thanks for everything.”

I waved one last time before exiting the shop. I removed the ring and leapt into the air, quickly flying back to my apartment. I got inside, removed my female outfit, touched the blue stone, put on a random set of clothes, then put on my armor, strapped on my bolts, knives, and sword, and finally put on the cloak. I filled its pockets with some of the human weapons and the letter. To finish off the bunch, I grabbed my crossbow. I was ready to fuck some bitches up.

I wasted no time removing myself from the apartment and flying to where I had left Kumani and Pinkie. Surprisingly, they were both still in bed. Their tails were intertwined in a way that I honestly found kind of cute. I was hesitant to wake Kumani up, but I knew she would want to get in on this if it meant the possibility of more money.

To that end, I poked her. She didn’t react. I poked her a few more times with no better results. Finally I just flipped her over, reached down to her tail, and pushed the base in.

She woke up with a moan, stretching and trying to buck at the same time. When she opened her eyes to confusedly look around, she flinched. “What in the… Get off me!” She pushed Pinkie off the bed, finally waking her up as well.

“Party?” Pinkie sleepily asked.

“No party,” I answered. “Kumani, you want a chance to make some bits?”

She yawned. “Can it wait until after breakfast?”

“It’s almost two in the afternoon. I don’t know what the time limit on this letter is, so you better fucking hurry. We gotta go and we gotta go soon.”

She started really waking up, then. “What’s this about?”

Pinkie jumped up. “Can I come?”

“No. It’s about a letter I found on some crooks. From the looks of things, there’s a big boss meeting tonight. You and I are going to fly down to the dogs and talk to their boss and offer him your services as a mercenary for this job. If he takes you up on it, cool. If not, well, at least you tried.”

She grinned, her sharp teeth flashing in the light. “Yeah, I like this idea.”

“Why can’t I come?” Pinkie asked, almost sounding sad.

“Because fuck you, that’s why.” Being hungover, in a hurry, and being kinda tired of dealing with her shit made me a little testy. “You ready, Kumani?”

Kumani stood, rolling her shoulders. “Yeah. I’d like to eat first… but maybe we can get something on the way.”

“Pinkie, stay out of trouble. Kumani, can you fit through the window?”

By way of answer, she walked over to it and threw herself out. I saw her soar up a bit before I walked over and put my foot up on the sill, ready to jump out. Something caught my back leg, stopping me. I turned to see that it was Pinkie, wearing a very sad face.

“Nav…” she whispered. “Please? I just want to help protect you.”

“No. Now, would you kindly let me go?”

The sad face instantly disappeared and a determined one replaced it. “No! I’m not letting you go without me!”

“You can’t even fly.”

“We could walk… Please, Nav?”

“Let. Me. Go.”

She just increased her grip, shouting, “NO!”

I spun around, sticking my hands on the window frame to hold me up. She looked at me in surprise before I put my metal boot to her face and pushed her off, trying not to hurt her but not caring overly much if I did. She sprawled backwards with a squawk. “Maybe you think last night meant something,” I growled. “I was drunk. You were easy. Simple as that. Get your mind out of the clouds, Pinkie. Forgiveness isn’t that simple. Maybe it’s time you realized that.”

With that, I pushed the rest of my body out the window, joining Kumani in the sky. I pointed her to the dog abode and we flew toward it as quickly as we could. We both landed right outside the gate, the dog stupidly staring at us.

“We need to see the boss,” I said. The dog stared. “Right now.”

He blinked. “I’ll go talk to him,” he dumbly said.

He walked up to the front door and pounded on it. A moment later, another guard opened it. The outside guard said something we couldn’t hear. The inside guard looked at us before nodding and stepping back in, yelling something inside the house. A moment later the boss came to the door, looking out at us. He smiled and exited, walking up to the gate.

“How can I help you, Navarone? If it is you, of course.”

I pulled a knife out and cut myself on the cheek, showing my amber blood. He nodded and his eyes went to Kumani. I turned to her. “Let me see your hand.” She held it out and I lightly pricked it, showing a bit of red blood. I turned back to the boss and pulled the letter out with one hand as I sheathed the knife with another. I passed it to him. “I pulled this off a dead criminal today that was trying to rough up a store owner. I figured this could help you out a bit.”

He read through it before looking up. “Are you sure this is genuine?”

“No, but I know I pulled it off someone who mentioned the dogfather before I killed him. I don’t know if it means tonight or last night or what, but it seems like a good opportunity to me.”

He put a hand to his chin, thinking. “I don’t have too many troops here…”

“Kumani is for hire, if you’re interested. A dragon is surely worth at least ten dogs, even one as young as she is.”

He looked up. “Yes, I would love to have you both.” Both? “I can’t offer you nearly as much, but hopefully there will be no fighting. Can you think of any others that might be worth paying for?”

“Celestia would probably give you all the guards you needed, if you asked her.”

He grimaced, shaking his head. “I do not like getting her involved with any dog business. I hated hiring her captain, but he did turn out to be useful.”

“The only others I can think of would be a few cats. Rock, Miguel, Kat, and Jocasta. They’re all ranking members of the cat government, but they would probably come if you offered gold.”

“And you can speak for their fighting prowess?”

“I can speak for Kat’s, Miguel’s, and Rock’s. I know Jocasta can fight, but I’ve never known her to do it.”

He nodded once. “It would be a good thing to do anyway; we need to build better relations with the cats.” He snapped his fingers and a guard jumped forward. “Send out sniffers for a few cats named Rock, Miguel, Kat, and Jocasta. Offer them three thousand bits each if they assist me in a matter. They have to come here to talk to me.”

The guard who listened blinked dumbly. “A cat named Kat?”

The boss lifted a paw up and arched one of his digits in, a ‘come hither’ motion. The guard moved his head down to the boss’s level and the boss slapped the guard in the face. “Go!” The guard quickly nodded and went inside. A moment later a few dogs without armor began running out and jogged past us on all fours, running like a dog from my world.

“Come inside, you two. Let us talk business.”

I sighed and followed the boss as he led the way inside. Kumani followed behind us and the guard took up his position back at the gate. “The dogfather has been reluctant to talk,” he said as we walked further inside. “We’ve gotten a few names out of him, a few things that will need to be confirmed. Turns out that he was definitely sent to Tartarus at one point.” He scoffed. “Why Celestia sent a big dog to guard a dog, I don’t know.” I assume he meant Cerberus. “We haven’t gotten him to say much. Do either of you think you could?”

“Kat can,” I said with a nod. “That crazy bitch specializes in torture. When she gets here, she can extract the information we need about the library safe house.”

He grinned, rubbing his paws together. “It’s good to have friends in high and low places, is it not?” he asked with a predatory grin.

“I have them in the lowest of the low and the highest of the high. It is definitely valuable. Now, do we need to do anything while we wait?”

He shook his head. “Just enjoy the hospitality of the dogs. If you don’t mind waiting here, I’ll go tell the torturers what to try to learn.” With that, he left us in the same sitting room where we first talked about the dogfather.

I turned to Kumani. “So. Wanna make out?”

She blinked. “…What?”

I shrugged. “Just checking.” I walked over to the bookcase and started looking over titles. I didn’t get far when I felt my wings grabbed and felt myself pulled backwards and then twisted to face Kumani. She gently licked the blood off my cheek before spinning me back around and repositioning me in front of the bookcase. I continued perusing titles.

When I found a book that looked slightly interesting, I grabbed it and sat on the desk. It was the only place I could comfortably sit, due to my wings. Kumani walked around, looking at various things in the room as I read.

It didn’t take the dog too long to get back with us. Behind him was some random female dog carrying some kind of drinks. Neither commented on me sitting on his desk. He just shrugged and walked to a chair and sat it in. “Tell me, what kind of fighters are these cats you want me to hire?”

“Rock is brutal in melee. Back when I knew him, he carried a giant fucking hammer that he would use to turn things he didn’t like into paste. Miguel used two nasty daggers, using the cats’ natural speed to eliminate entire groups of soldiers. He might not like the order of ‘take them alive,’ but he can probably be reined in by Jocasta. I’ve never seen her fight. I’ve never seen Kat fight either, but I know she’s an expert assassin.”

“Seems like a lotta hearsay,” he commented as he sipped on whatever was in the cup the servant gave him. She gave me and Kumani one as well, but I set mine on the desk beside me and didn’t touch it again; I didn’t trust the dogs for some reason I couldn’t put my finger on.

“I did see Kat torture someone, though. It was… horrifying.” She sure did a better job than I. “Trust me when I say that this group can fuck shit up if you let them. Now, my turn for a question. How did you hear about me? It seems I’m famous.”

He grinned. “Everyone keeps up to date with Celestia’s court. Or at least, the more interesting parts of it. And you, Navarone, are most definitely interesting. Ordering the captain of the guard around, making love with a dragon, killing criminals as they line up… And that’s all in four days. You have quite a history, too. Everyone in power knows who you are. Even if you do have some… unpleasant past associations, you are still quite useful.”

“Unpleasant past associations?” I asked.

“Changelings,” he growled. “We don’t like them. They don’t like us. Why you have any dealings with them at all is beyond me. We were rather displeased that Celestia formed a pact of sorts with them. And I heard that it was your fault it happened.”

“Partially my fault. I helped capture the queen when she tried invading Canterlot. I pacified her and the rest is history.”

“I’ve heard it said you had a more… personal history with her.”

I grinned. “I have exotic tastes. So does she. And when you have a lover that can turn into anything, it never gets boring.”

He rolled his eyes. “Disgusting bugs. Doesn’t matter what they turn into, they’re still gonna be a bug.”

“Which would you prefer, then: One of your female dogs, or someone like her?” I asked, waving my hand at Kumani.

He grimaced. “Even bitches are better than bugs. And dragons? I think I’ll stick to a race that doesn’t have flights of fancy that involve kidnapping lovers and keeping them for their hoard.”

Kumani growled. “Those are our laws, pup. If we get caught with a member of another race, marriage is forced.”

He crossed his arms, grinning. “So what happened between you two? Navarone is wearing a ring, but you aren’t.”

She sniffed. “Navarone refused my hand. It was… unorthodox, but Pyrite allowed for another punishment. An exception for one to whom exceptions are common.”

“Oh?” the dog said. “And how do you feel about that?”

“He has his own life, as I have mine. If they don’t happen to permanently intersect, then that’s just the way it is.”

The dog chuckled. “So you want him but you know he doesn’t want you.” Kumani looked away. “You don’t get to be my rank without being smart, hatchling.” He looked back to me. “How long do you think it’ll take those cats to get here?”

“Don’t know. If they answer the call, it shouldn’t take them long. Kumani, come here.” She slowly walked to me, not looking at me. I grabbed her hand when she was close and pulled her down to her knees, putting her face at about my chest. I gently lifted her head and kissed her for a moment before pulling back and whispering, “If you really want me, there’s a chance I’ll be leaving Equestria in a year. I was going to… help a friend, but if you want to tag along, you are welcome. We can see where it goes.”

She grinned before wrapping her arms around me and lightly hugging me.

“Blech,” the dog huffed. “So sappy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said as Kumani pulled away. “So what’s our pay for this job? And do we want the bosses alive or dead?”

“You brought this to my attention, so you get five. Your dragon gets four. The cats get three.” He held up a paw. “That’s assuming this letter is legit. If this is a dud, you all get nothing. I’m thinking… two hundred extra for every living, ranking boss you bring back. I’d prefer them alive. But if not… well, I’ll understand.”

I nodded. “Good enough for me. Rules of engagement?”

“No civilian casualties. If any of the bosses fight back, use as much force as you need to get them compliant. We have the dogfather, so we can get all the information we need from him, but every boss we can get is good. There won’t be too many since this is just one city, but get as many as you can.”

“Sounds simple enough. How many troops are you giving us?”

“Fifteen. That’s over half of my remaining guards, so do not spend their lives pointlessly. You are in charge, Navarone.”

“What, you’re not going?”

He scoffed. “Me? I’m not a fighter. I make money so I can hire others to fight for me.”

I shrugged. “What about that girl you tried to get me to use to get the dogfather? She coming?”

“Minnie? Yeah, she’ll go. For a bitch, she’s smart and useful.”

I nodded once and went back to reading the book. A few minutes later, the door opened and a guard came in, saying, “There are four cats outside, sir. They want to talk to you.”

“Send them in. Leave two guards at the door, in case they’re changelings.” The guard nodded and went back outside. The boss turned to me. “You’ll have to check them, or convince them to let us do it.”

I shrugged. The four familiar cats came in. “Sup, guys?” I said.

Jocasta sighed. “I should have known you would be behind this. Well, what do you want?”

“First things first. We have to make sure you aren’t changelings. Would you mind bleeding?”

She crossed her arms. “Why should I even care? What’s in it for us?”

“Three thousand bits each, if the job goes well. But first, changelings?”

She rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. Kat and Miguel pulled out daggers and lightly cut their arms, showing red blood. Rock growled before extending a large claw and running it down his face. Jocasta gently pricked her paw with a claw. “Happy?” she asked.

“Yep.” I raised a finger to point them out to the boss. “Jocasta, Rock, Miguel, Kat.”

He nodded to them. “I want your help in capturing a few crime bosses. Navarone here says you’re worth the money.”

Jocasta nodded once. “Give us details.”

He smiled sheepishly. “All we know is the name of the location. We have the big boss, but he ain’t talking. Nav here says Kat knows how to… acquire information. Think she can make him talk?”

Kat stepped forward, grinning. “Tell me the questions to ask and where the prisoner is. I’ll make him talk.”

The boss clapped his hands twice and a guard stepped in. “Take her to the dogfather. Tell the torturers that she’s in charge.” He looked to her. “They know what to look for. Just ask them and get the info as quickly as possible. Send Minerva up here.”

She nodded and followed the guard. Jocasta asked, “So what are the details of the job? What are we going to be doing?”

“Capturing and/or killing crime bosses,” I answered. “Assuming this isn’t a dud, at least. I got attacked by a few crooks today and pulled a letter off their bodies that said there was a big meeting tonight. It gave a location, but we don’t know where it is.” I looked at Miguel and said, “Capturing them is priority. Kill only if you have to. Every live boss is two hundred extra bits for everyone.” I turned back to Jocasta. “Keep Miguel in check. No civilian casualties. We want a nice and quick smash and grab. If we get bogged down in the streets fighting every crook in the damn city, there’s a chance none of us will get out alive, or at least not without getting captured by pony guards and getting in some serious trouble for inciting a war in a pony city.”

She nodded. “I will keep him under control. Who is in charge?”

The dog nodded at me. “Navarone is leading this one.”

Jocasta sighed. “Oh boy, this’ll be fun.”

Rock rolled his shoulders. “As long as the little human learned how to fight, I’m okay with following him.”

The dog waved a paw. “Whatever. As long as the job gets done, I don’t care how.”

“Alright, I got a battle plan of sorts,” I said. “Jocasta, you take Kumani and Miguel and eight of the fifteen dogs around to the opposite side of the building, if it has one. You guard the exit, making sure anyone that’s running away doesn’t get far. I take Kat, Rock, and the other dogs in with me and scour the building.”

“Why am I waiting outside?” Kumani asked.

“Three reasons. One, so you can use your fire breath if needed. Two, so you can use your wings if needed. Three, so each group has a heavy hitter. I get Rock, Jocasta gets you.” She didn’t like it, but she couldn’t deny the logic.

Jocasta shook her head. “You take ten of the dogs. We’ll need less to apprehend anything that’s running. If you’re going inside, you’ll need more to break through resistance.”

I shrugged. “Fair enough. Hopefully we won’t run into too much resistance. So Rock, how’s the job as a guard captain?”

He shrugged. “I got demoted.”

Jocasta rolled her eyes. “He spent too much time hitting things and not enough time guarding things. By all rights, he should have been arrested.”

“That building deserved it!” Rock countered, crossing his arms. This’ll be good.

“And what did the building do?” I asked.

“Blocked my pursuit of a criminal—”

“That turned out to be innocent,” Jocasta interrupted.

“—A criminal. I removed the building. By the time I got to the other side, I realized someone else had already caught him.”

“What was the building?” I asked, trying not to laugh.

He shrugged. “Some kind of hospital or orphanage or something. I don’t pay attention to collateral damage.” I finally burst out laughing. “See! Someone else thinks it’s funny!”

Jocasta just sighed, shaking her head and face-palming. Miguel was grinning, Kumani looked a bit disturbed, and the dog had a look of ‘I can’t believe I’m paying you people.’

So Kat and Minerva were a little bit confused when they walked in.

“What did I miss?” Kat asked.

Jocasta said, “Rock explained why he was demoted.”

Kat chuckled. “That story? I remember that. Those orphans were whining for days!”

The dog cut us all off with, “Did you get the information?”

Kat nodded. “Yeah, it was no problem. The dogfather and me, we go way back. You shoulda seen his face when he realized I was coming to torture him.” She chuckled. “He pissed himself when I bared my claws and told me what I wanted to know.”

“Yes, yes. Where is it?”

“Flankfurt Public Library. You know, the only library in Flankfurt.”

We all looked around the room and we each shrugged. “I’ve never been here,” I said. “I don’t know how many libraries there are.”

“I don’t have any maps of this place,” the boss said.

I asked, “When does ‘tonight’ start? At nightfall or some other time?”

“Nightfall,” the boss said. “That’s what it means for dogs.”

I nodded. “Jocasta, take your cats and stake the place out. Watch who goes in and who leaves. Note any entrances and possible hidden exits. Try not to look too suspicious. We’ll start heading that way right before nightfall.”

“Very well,” Jocasta answered. “Come.” She led her group out.

“So… what do we do for a few hours?” I asked.

The boss hopped out of his chair. “I need to go do some work. You two kinda caught me at a bad time. You’re welcome to explore the setup we got here. Just stay outta everyone’s way.” With that, he left.

“You know,” I said, “no one here seems to want to tell me any names. I got asked on a date by a shopkeeper and he never told me his name. I called him mister fashion store guy.”

Kumani blinked. “You got asked on a date by a stallion?”

“Yep. Not important. I still don’t know that dog’s name.”

“A stallion asked you out.”

“Yeah. It’s not the first time. Hell, I’ve even had a bit of fun with one. It was… not something I think I want to try again, all things told.”

She sniffed. “I certainly hope not.” Oh fun, now I have another jealous woman on my case. When will I learn?

I shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t really matter, I suppose.” She didn’t answer and I went back to reading.

And then she plopped down in front of me. “Read to me,” she said.

I looked up. “This is a treatise on morality. Do you really want me to read that to you?”

“…What’s a treatise?”

I closed the book. “Why don’t I find you one you can read on your own?”

She shook her head. “Don’t bother. I can’t read.”

I blinked. “What?”

She shrugged. “I was never interested. My dad asked if I wanted to learn and I said no.”

“Well. I’m afraid I can’t let that stand. I’m sure there’s a simple book here I can use to help you get started.”

“Why would I want to learn how to read? Just pick a good book and read it to me.”

“How can you be willfully ignorant like that? Just knowing how to speak isn’t enough! You miss out on more than half of everything not knowing how to read. Signs, books, notes, letters… How do you send words of fire if you don’t know how to write?”

She shrugged. “Don’t know. Never questioned it. I don’t see what the big deal is. If I want to know where something is, I’ll ask someone. If I need something read, I’ll ask someone. Before too long I’ll be too big to read many books or go to many cities anyway. It just seemed like a waste of time to learn.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Fine. I wouldn’t be able to teach you in a few hours anyway. That doesn’t change the fact that you should learn. There are entire worlds hidden in books, worlds you’ll never see or learn the nuances of if you can’t read. So much you could learn…” I stood. “Do you have any specific interests?”

“Come on, that… treatise you were reading can’t be that bad.”

“It isn’t something you would be interested in.” I walked to the bookcase and slid the book in. I looked over the titles and raised my eyebrows at what I found. “My my… Whoever owns this house has expensive—and illegal—tastes.” I pulled out the book that piqued my interest. “Heart of Darkness. I wrote this a little while ago and Celestia told me not to sell it.” I chuckled. “That didn’t stop me. Not this book. I found someone willing to deal in… less than pleasant works. Are you interested in a journey of despair and insanity?”

She shrugged. “Sounds cool to me.”

An hour later, she was a mix of horrified and bored. It’s a really short book. Good, but short. If any copies survive Celestia’s wrath when she reads this in my journal, I suggest looking for one. “Well?” I asked.

She blinked. “And you wrote that?”

“No, I transcribed it, bringing it here from my world. The original author was someone else.”

She shook her head. “Whoever he was, he had some serious problems.”

I shrugged. “Without understanding more of the history, it doesn’t make as much sense. It’s a dark, dark tale with an even darker history. And it’s not important.”

“That book didn’t really make me want to learn to read, you know.”

I stood and walked up to her. She rolled her eyes and I sat in her lap, wrapping my legs around her back. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her for a moment before pulling back. “For me?” I asked in a seductive tone.

She sighed. “I’ll think about it. No promises.” I leaned in for another kiss, but she held me away from her. “I said I’ll think about it. Hm… If you do leave in a year and I go with you, maybe I’ll let you teach me.”

For some reason, that made me picture Kumani in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. That led to me picturing her bent over a desk while I held a paddle, ready to punish her for being a naughty girl.

“I know that look,” she said. “What are you thinking?”

“Do dragons ever wear clothes?” I asked.

She opened her mouth to answer, but the door opened, cutting her off. “I ain’t paying you two to… do whatever you’re doing,” the dog boss said as he walked in. “My guards are ready and it’s almost night. Time for you to get to work.”

I sighed, pulling myself off Kumani. “I’d have to take my armor off anyway.” She stood and we turned to the boss. “Where are the troops?”

“Come on,” he answered, stepping back into the hall.

“So how well trained are these guys, anyway?” I asked as we walked to the door.

“The guards I’m giving you are veterans. There are three squads, each headed by a smarter breed. They’ll get the job done, don’t you worry.”

They certainly didn’t look like anyone I’d want to tango with. I still didn’t know how to fight, even after all I had been through. I might be able to take down someone in a one on one fight, but that’s not really my style. The troops were each decked out in a nearly full suit of armor. They had varying weapons, all melee. Three dogs looked to be a different breed, but I don’t know dogs well so I couldn’t say what they were. Minerva was standing with them, unarmored. She had two swords on her, one on each side.

“So uh… I assume one of you knows the way to the library?” I asked. The boss face-pawed.

Minerva nodded. “I do,” she answered.

“Lead the way. Kumani, get in the air and provide cover. You see any large groups of anything heading our way, you warn us.”

They both nodded. Kumani jumped into the air while Minerva began jogging out of the compound. We all followed her. Thankfully, the streets were emptying now as the stores began closing and the diurnal ponies started going home. We didn’t have too many problems with streets being full or anyone trying to stop us.

I was seriously thanking my increased endurance when we finally met the cats a few blocks away from the library. Kumani landed and reported no problems while Jocasta began informing me what was going on.

“There are definitely a lot of people in the library,” Jocasta said. “Many were carrying weapons and seemed paranoid. If it isn’t the crime bosses we’re after, they could certainly pass for them.”

I nodded. “Good enough for me. How many entries and exits are there?”

“An entrance on each side. Kat scaled the building and found a roof access as well. What is your plan?”

“How many floors?” I asked.

“Two. One above ground and a basement.”

I crossed my arms, thinking. The plan I originally had wouldn’t work with that many entries and exits. “How good of a leader is Rock?”

She shrugged. “I used him back in the March because I had to, not because he was good.”

“Minerva!” I called. She looked up and walked over. “How smart are your squad leaders?”

She grinned, showing bright teeth. “Very. They’re all veterans.”

I nodded. “Alright, here’s the plan. Jocasta, you take your cats and Minerva and go in the right. Kumani, you reinforce one squad and go in from the back. One squad holds on the left. I take a squad and go in the front. Questions?”

“What if a door is locked?” Kumani asked.

“Well, Kat knows how to pick locks and I have a magic key… Minerva, are there any ex-thieves in the squads?”

She shook her head. “Thieves aren’t allowed in the guard.”

I shrugged. “If a door is locked and you can’t pick it, break the fucker down. Where there are crime bosses, there’s money. We should get a nice haul out of it, and we can leave enough with the library to ensure silence. That said, don’t go crazy. Too much collateral damage and the Equestrian guard gets involved and we don’t get paid. And if the library ends up burning down… Well, Celestia’s going to rake someone’s hide over coals for that. Now, if there are no more questions…?” There weren’t. “Alright. Kumani, take a squad and lead them around back. Jocasta, get your people together and move to the right. We move inside in five.” They nodded and began moving.

I grinned, smiling at the prospect of what was soon to come.

Chapter Seventy-Eight—And it was all going so well…

Chapter Seventy-Eight—And it was all going so well...

The days went by quickly and easily. Vinyl stayed for much longer than she was expecting, and ended up turning my home into an impromptu musician’s paradise, though thankfully the number of people she trusted with my information was relatively low. Given that Cadance was still in my pad, I couldn’t give any of the others rooms, but they didn’t seem to mind. One of them even said the walk between the town and my house was “rustic and inspiring.”

Fucking ‘artists.’ They were an interesting bunch, but I was happy to see their tails for the last time. So was Cadance, because she was getting tired of being cooped up inside while I had them chilling in the backyard. Not that I cared that Cadance was pissed, since she was freeloading and naggy, but still.

I heard nothing from Spike or Twilight, which was probably for the best. Rarity never bothered me about watching the modeling show.

Hell, everything seemed to be going just swimmingly, until the inevitable invitation to the Gala showed up.

I looked down at the royal letter with disdain. “Yeah, not going,” I said, pushing it and the golden tickets aside. “Twilight forced me to go to that damn party enough times.”

“It’s expected,” Cadance said from her position at what she was calling the family table. “You’re both the Defender of Harmony and a knight. If Princess Luna has any guests, you are expected to be there to escort them. And knowing Princess Celestia, she’ll probably have something for you to do as well.”

“All the more reason not to go. Have you been to one of those damn things? Boring as hell. Maybe I can send Doppel in my place…”

“After the changeling model incident, everypony entering will be checked for being a changeling. If Doppel tries to enter in any shape but her own, it wouldn’t end well for her.”

“Well that’s just discriminatory. Either way, I’m not going.”

She sighed. “Nav, if you don’t go, I can’t go, and I very sorely wish to see my husband again. And to get out of this house, of course. It’s nice, but I am quite tired of being trapped here.”

“Why would I have to go for you to be able to leave? There are plenty of guards at the palace. The assassins are dead and gone. Right now, you’re just freeloading here to torture me, I’m sure of it.”

“Shiny and Princess Celestia both think it would be better if you were around while I was there, just in case.”

“And if I’m still not interested in going?”

She grinned widely. “Then I’m authorized to forcibly turn you into a royal babysitter.”

“It amuses me that you think that would work. First, royal authority means nothing to me, especially since you’ve been staying here the last few months free of charge. Second, your foal is the spawn of Satan and no amount of watching or sitting would make any difference. Third, fuck you.”

“Vulgar as always, I see. Well, I’ve also been authorized to tell you that a few of your friends will be there. I know the griffin king will be making an appearance for the first time in a long time. Apparently he doesn’t have much to do anymore, and spends his time making public appearances. There might also be a dragon or two there.”

“What about my favorite queen?”

“I’ve heard nothing about that bug, no.”

“What about the cats?”

“It would take a month for them to get across the ocean and another month to get back. I’m not sure Celestia would even allow them here anyway, the barbarians.”

“That’s probably a good choice, though racist. Anyone else important? More rulers to seduce or befriend?”

“Not that I know of. So you’ll go?”

“I’ll think about it.” I already knew the answer, of course. If Bloodbeak was going to be there, I might as well show up. It’s free to attend and if I really got bored, I could just leave—assuming Celestia didn’t appropriate my services.

Celestia… I slowly grinned as a plan came to my mind. I know that pot can’t or doesn’t seem to hurt ponies. Bloodbeak and most dragons wouldn’t be eating cakes and stuff like that. Pinkie can make pot brownies. I was wondering if she knew how to make anything else with it…

“I know that look,” Cadance said with a frown. “Don’t even think about whatever you’re thinking about, Nav.”

“Oh come now. Those parties are always so dull. There’s nothing wrong with giving them some more life, is there?”

“Tell me what you’re planning or I’ll tell Shiny that you’re up to something.”

“Ungrateful bitch,” I muttered. “Fine. You know what pot is. I’m thinking about getting Pinkie to make some pot stuff and set it on the buffet tables.”

She nodded. “Then I’ll be sure to eat before we leave. Just let me know what you put it in so I can make sure Shining Armor gets some of it.”

“And that is why you are the best princess.”

“And don’t you forget it,” she said with a smile.

With a week left until the party, I still had done almost nothing in preparation for it aside from getting Pinkie to help me. Her price for doing so was me getting her a ticket, which I was able to do easily enough. I assumed she wanted to watch the incoming chaos, but there’s no telling with that one.

What was even more surprising was what happened during a break between sparring bouts. “Are you going to the Gala this year, daddy?” Taya asked, levitating a glass of water for me.

“Yeah. I should just be gone for a few hours. You won’t even miss me.”

“Can… I come?”

“You’ll almost certainly get bored. Unless you’re just going to sit in the library?”

“I’ll find something to do.”

I sighed. “Well, do you know what this means?”

“…No?”

“It means a trip to Rarity’s shop.”

Her look of horror almost made me pity her. “W-we don’t have to do that! I can just go like this!”

“Not as my daughter you can’t. If I’m being forced to dress up, so will anyone that goes with me.” I looked up to the naga, who wasn’t winded, tired, or thirsty at all. I was getting better, but I was by no means anywhere near his equal. “I need to turn this break into a stopping point. Gotta help Taya with something.”

“You have hit me once and you plan to leave already? I expect more from true trainees of the naga.”

“Yeah, but most of them don’t have kids. I’ll be back when I’m finished helping her. Take a chill pill or something.”

“I do not need ice to cool me down, Navarone.”

I fucking hate you sometimes, Pinkie. I achingly stood from the ground and stretched my body before reaching around and unbuckling my breastplate, letting it fall off my body. I quickly removed the rest of my upper body gear and the boots, leaving on my metal greaves. My chest and feet were uncovered because that armor is hot and walking in those boots is a pain. I was barely decent under the lower armor and I could see Rarity kicking me out of her shop if I walked in with just that stuff on. And god, getting through town would be awkward.

Anyway, Taya and I started walking into town, though she was definitely reluctant. I don’t know if it was because she didn’t want to see Rarity or if it was because she didn’t want to see Rarity in one of her moods. Both seemed equally as likely.

Hell, I was hoping that she was even in. Ever since she started using Twilight to help her translate that damn manga, she seemed to spend a lot more time in Canterlot. I had quite a bad feeling about what that meant.

We got through town with no trouble. Since Rarity isn’t the kind of person to put signs in her window or on her door if she’s open or closed, I knocked and waited a few seconds before slowly pushing the door open.

“Why knock if you’re just going in anyway?” Taya asked.

“It’s a sign that you’re not a burglar and it lets them know you’re there,” I answered, stepping inside. She followed me after a moment’s hesitation and regret. “Yo Rarity, you open?” I called. When there was no answer, I said, “I know you’re here, because you lock your door when you’re not. Is this about the spanking? I know you’re mad, but this is a matter of fashion.”

Yeah… There were a whole lot of rumors when she came into town with several red handprints on her ass. And apparently Big Mac actually tells things to his family, so when all three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders galloped into town to ask Rarity what a spanking fetish was in the middle of the marketplace, things went from humorous to hilarious.

Come to think of it, that might be one of the reasons she spends so much time in Canterlot these days. At least there she had plenty of other mares that had apparently fucked me, so she was in good company.

“I am trying to wallow in embarrassment, Navarone!” Rarity wailed, poking her head out of the door to the stairs to her room.

“That’s nice. Can you make Taya a dress for the Gala?”

“Only if you apologize and pay me back!”

“Apologize, maybe. Pay you back, probably not. How about this: You make her a dress, I apologize, and I don’t tell everyone at the Gala that my daughter had to attend naked because the great seamstress Rarity was completely unable to come up with any designs.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” I crossed my arms and smiled. “So it’s come to this. And I thought we were friends.”

“Forced acquaintances at best,” I said with a shrug. “You make me do things I hate and I torture you for them. That hardly seems friendly.”

“It’s a give and take relationship.”

“Yeah. You take whatever you can and I give you whatever punishments I can. That’s hardly equal.”

“Call our relationship whatever you want. It works, and that is enough. Now deliver your heartfelt apology and I shall begin making Taya a wonderful dress!”

“Whoa, it has to be heartfelt? That wasn’t part of the deal!”

“It is hardly an apology if you don’t mean it, now is it?”

“You’re just asking too much… How about this: I’m sorry for accidentally revealing to the town that you have a fetish for being spanked.”

“Daddy, what’s a fetish?”

“Not now, honey. Well, Rarity?”

“That is not what I meant when I demanded an apology!”

“Well an apology is hardly real if it’s demanded.”

“Oooh! Fine! Taya, come along. I shall measure you at once and begin your dress immediately. Let it be known that Rarity will deliver even if not all parts of the deal are upheld!”

“Hey, does that mean I can tell the people at the Gala that you’re out of ideas?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Only if you want to assist me with a live reenactment of the yaoi tentacle hentai I brought back. Stephen Magnet and his partner would love to have you.”

“I would kill you so hard that you died to death. Speaking of which, you better not dress my daughter up like something from any of that anime shit.”

She grinned innocently. “Why, I would never do that!”

“Yeah. It sure would be a shame if we had a live reenactment of that spanking scene in the middle of the marketplace.”

Her ears twitched awkwardly when I said that. “Yes… It would.”

I nodded. “Good. Taya, listen to Rarity. She’s usually useless—”

“Hey!”

“—But she knows her fashion. Okay?”

Taya sighed. “Okay, daddy…”

“Excellent. Rarity, make her adorable. Now, I need to get back before the naga gets antsy.”

I was out the door before either could ask what I meant by ‘adorable.’

I giggled to myself as I flew home, hoping Rarity would actually make someone want to ask Taya to dance—if there was anyone else her age there, of course.

…Nothing ever tends to go my way. When I got back to my humble home—humble if you go by how much I paid for it, that is—Cadance immediately stopped me. “Nav, can you go into town and drop off a note for me?”

“Why can’t Doppel do it?”

“She’s cleaning the armor you so carelessly threw about the yard. Really Nav, you should know better than to just leave that stuff in the grass.”

“Taya can flash her horn and make that stuff clean in an instant. I usually let her do it and count that as her chores.” Though I think I’m going to have to figure out how ponies cut lawns soon. I don’t think Doppel will be amused if I make another joke about getting her to do it with scissors.

She rolled her eyes. “So can you go into town for me or not?”

“Sure, whatever. Where am I going?” I asked as she passed me the note with magic.

“Rarity’s boutique. I don’t have my normal dressmakers available to help me. Shining Armor was going to see about sending them to me, but it appears they’re swamped.

I shrugged. “Alright. That’s a quick and simple flight.” I tucked the letter into a pouch I held on my belt. “I’ll be back in a bit. Don’t expect an immediate response.”

“I don’t. I expect that she’ll come by soon enough.”

“Whatever.” I stepped back outside and took off toward town again. I didn’t want to interrupt Rarity’s dressmaking scheme and possibly bump into an unhappy Taya, so I had a different idea in mind. I landed near the first kid I saw, some red-headed filly with a candy cane cutie mark. “Hey kid, I’ll give you two bits if you drop off a note for me.”

“S-s-shir Navarone!” I winced internally at the filly’s lisp. Her voice seemed to take on a dreamy tone as she said, “What can I do for you?”

I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out the note. “Deliver this to Rarity in her boutique. If she’s not there, just leave it where she’ll find it.”

“O-of courshe!” She snatched the note out of my hand and bounced from hoof to hoof, waiting for me to give the word for her to go.

This is getting somewhat creepy. I reached down into my pouch again and pulled out two bits. “For your trouble. Thanks for the help.”

“No, no, I don’t mind!”

“Look, I’m paying you, like it or not.” I reached out and set the coins on her head, accidentally brushing her hair. She seemed to freeze at the contact. I quickly pulled my hand back, fighting the urge to rub it off on my metal pants. I settled for nodding. “Thanks again.” With that, I took off, happy to get away from what I knew was going to be increasingly common as my good and bad reputations grew and Luna’s dreams of me continued to fester.

Since there was little I could do to stop the daydreams and crushes of silly fillies other than finding a special somepony, I didn’t worry about it. Much. Instead I focused on getting home to continue getting my shit wrecked by Ames.

When Taya got home that night, she looked somewhat traumatized. She wandered in like a victim of shell-shock, her eyes wide and seemingly looking forever. When prompted, all she had to say was, “I hate dresses.”

Cadance seemed to have the opposite reaction when Rarity brought in enough dressmaking gear to take over our entire living room for her. I think Taya had a relapse when she woke up and found her nightmare was downstairs waiting for her. She immediately squealed and pile-drived me in the chest in a hug, trying to hide from the dressmaking menace. It took most of the naga’s forced physical training for me to not slam into the ground.

All in all, it was rather humorous.

I have to say, I somewhat wish that the day of the Gala had been rainy and miserable, but when you can control the weather, you don’t let the biggest party of the year get rained out. So instead of the dark and gloomy skies I was hoping for, the summer day was bright and clear, warm but not too hot. It reminded me of a typical spring day back home.

It’s not very fitting, given that this is the day I almost died. Again.

Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity each managed to find a different way to the Gala. Twilight got a ride from Celestia. Rarity used her influence to score a ride. I don’t want to know how Pinkie did it.

Cadance used her princess powers to get a nice chariot for me, Taya, and herself. I offered to let Doppel go, but after learning she had to stay in her own form, she wasn’t interested. I also offered to let the naga go. He laughed in my face.

I didn’t want to be affiliated with Luna or remind anyone that I was her knight on this trip if Bloodbeak was going to be there, so I decided not to wear my armor. I could have worn the extra gay harmony armor, but fuck that noise.

So I suited myself up in some nice-ish clothes, my sword, and a few daggers here and there. I wanted to bring my gun, but I knew Twilight would probably attend and I didn’t want her to get a close look at it. Cadance and Taya took forever to get ready. Taya, because she didn’t want to be seen in her dress. Cadance, because she’s a woman and therefore slow.

When Taya came down, my eyebrows shifted up in surprise. I hadn’t seen her dress, since I knew Rarity wouldn’t fuck up. It was a bright white dress with puffy sleeves and a few pink frills around it. She had a tiara with what looked like sapphires and a matching necklace. It looked like something that might be in an anime, but I don’t know shit about that stuff, so it didn’t really matter. And hell, I didn’t want to drag Rarity into town to spank her.

“Looks more like a wedding dress,” I said, crossing my arms. “But it’ll definitely do. So where’s Cadance?”

I think she was listening and waiting for me to say that, because she started stately walking down the stairs, trying to do that thing you see in the movies where everyone turns and looks at the woman coming down the stairs to see her grace and beauty.

“Hurry the fuck up. As slow as you’re walking, we’ll be even later.”

Her eyes jerked open and she looked at me with a mix of surprise and indignation. “Navarone! I have to practice!”

“You’re already married. Unless you plan on offing Shiny, you don’t need to ever do that bullshit again. Now come on, the carriage is waiting.”

She rolled her eyes. “He just doesn’t understand, Taya. Shall we?”

“…Understand what?” Taya asked with no prompting from me.

Cadance sighed and said, “I weep for the fillies and colts of this day and age…”

“You’ve been reading too many shitty romance novels,” I said, walking over to the front door. “Now come on.”

“If I recall,” Cadance said, finally moving her ass, “you were the one that didn’t want to come.”

“That was before I learned Bloodbeak was going to be there. That dude is awesome. And a dragon or two is even better. Maybe it’ll be Reginald and he can tell me more about the suppressed history of Equestria that Celestia doesn’t want her ponies to know because it makes her look bad.”

“Nav, you’re starting to sound like one of those crazy Old-Earthers, talking about how pony kind is built upon the ruins of many great and mighty civilizations and how Celestia is always trying to cover it up.”

The things I could teach you… God, I could make Cadance the perfect subversive agent. Either way, I didn’t answer and we all boarded the chariot in relative silence.

“So Taya,” I finally said, “why are you going, again?”

“I have my reasons.”

“If you keep deflecting, I’m going to follow you around all night and act like an overprotective father. You didn’t ask to go because you wanted to party, I know that for sure.”

She sighed and used her horn to make a camera appear. “Remember that annoying colt, Featherweight? The deal was that I get pictures of anything interesting happening in the Gala and he pretended to be my friend for a little while. Even if it didn’t work as we planned, he still did as he said he would.”

“Don’t make trouble, then. If anyone asks you to put the camera away, do so until that person is gone and you don’t think you’ll get in trouble for it.”

“Nav!” Cadance was glaring at me for my good advice. “That’s terrible advice!” Everyone’s a critic. “Taya, it’s good that you’re upholding your end of the deal—though it’s deplorable that such a deal existed at all—but you shouldn’t risk getting you and your father in trouble like this.”

“I’ll be careful,” she answered, making the camera disappear again.

“Well, be sure to keep an eye on Celestia, either way,” I said. “With what a friend and I have planned, this is going to be one hell of a party. Speaking of which, don’t eat any of the sweets here. I know Pinkie supposedly spiked something that will almost definitely be served to Celestia, but she also said she went a little overboard with her gypsy magic, or however she does her Pinkie stuff.”

Cadance massaged at her head with a hoof. “Nav, you didn’t restrain her? There’s no telling how many ponies could get that stuff in them!”

“That’s the fun part, isn’t it?” I asked with a smile. She groaned. “Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?” One of these days I’ll learn, I swear…

“Invitation?” the doorman droned.

“I swear to God, are there any doormen that ever have their eyes open?” I asked, looking the guy over.

His eyes opened angrily before he noticed who he was dealing with. “S-sir Navarone!” He took in my small party and his eyes opened even wider. “Princess Cadance! Please, come in, come in! My apologies for making you wait.”

“No problem,” Cadance said with a smile before walking past him, into the door with the light pink barrier. She crossed it with no trouble. I assumed it was some kind of bug net for changelings. Taya and I walked through it without anything happening, though I think I saw it jerking away to let my body in when I stepped through with my ring on. Last time I checked, I wasn’t a changeling, so I didn’t say anything.

As usual, the palace was decorated even more than usual, changing it from quiet and regal to warm and welcoming. Or at least, that was the goal. From the state of things, I could see that the spiked sweets hadn’t been wheeled out yet.

I walked inside a few feet, smiling at the warm atmosphere of the palace. The palace always seems so empty during normal days, especially after seeing the festive setup of the Gala. It looked right, seeing it full of seemingly happy ponies, even if most of them were rich fucks that were just putting on a show.

I almost panicked when I felt something strong and finger-like grab me from behind and wheel me around, but then I saw that it was just Bloodbeak. That was all I had time to notice before he pulled himself up for a very surprising hug.

I awkwardly patted him on the back, unsure of just what I was supposed to do when a king randomly started hugging me. Thankfully, he didn’t make it a long one, and released me shortly after. “Hello again, Navarone. It is wonderful to see the one that made my life so much simpler.”

As I’m sure you can possibly imagine, there were a large number of shocked faces around the two of us. Most of the ponies were somewhat horrified and his guards looked stunned. The female griffin standing next to his guards also looked very surprised.

“It’s good to see you too, Bloodbeak. I take it you are enjoying your new government?”

“Most definitely. Say, when you have a moment, I have some things to discuss with you.”

I looked around me to see that Taya was gone, presumably off to take as many pictures she could as quickly as possible so she could find somewhere to hide. With her gone, my only responsibility for the night was not a problem. Or at least, it wasn’t a problem I could deal with. “This night is all mine,” I said with a shrug. “What do you want to discuss?”

“Come, walk with me.” That’s a bad sign. I fell into step beside the aging king as he started walking toward one of the castle’s many verandas. He was talking about what he’s been up to since he got so much time off, most of which involved dicking around and taking a well-needed break. When we got outside into the night air, I found that a single griffin guard was waiting there. He saluted and joined the other three near the doors, surreptitiously keeping anyone from joining us.

“So what’s this about?” I asked, leaning against the railing.

“Navarone, I would like you to meet my daughter, Gilda.” This is a very different Gilda than the other one.

I nodded to her. “I remember seeing you when I was in Gryphus, but we were never introduced. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Navarone.”

“Everyone knows who you are, Sir Navarone,” she answered.

“Drop the ‘sir’ and we’ll get on fine,” I said before turning back to her father. “I know you didn’t bring me out here to introduce me to your daughter.”

“Not just that, no,” he said. “I know you did not enjoy the idea of a forced marriage—” I preemptively facepalmed, knowing where this was going. “—But I was wondering if you would at least consider my daughter. All I ask is that you get to know her.”

“I’m really not looking to get married.”

“I’m not asking you to marry her. I’m asking you to get to know her and consider her.”

“Why me, then? I’m just a knight that can’t even give you grandkids. The only reason you could want me to marry her is for some kind of political advantage.”

“You think so little of me as a father that all you see in this is political contrivances? I have more than one hatchling, Navarone. They are all married off except for Gilda here. Is it truly so wrong to find someone that she might be happy with?”

“Then you are definitely barking up the wrong tree.” I looked over to the princess. “What about you? What do you want?”

“To not be treated like a feather-brained idiot for once. When my father insisted I meet you, that is what I was expecting. It seems I was mistaken.”

Son of a bitch. Although… “You know what, what the hell. I have nothing to lose. I’m almost certain nothing will come of it, but it looks like neither of us has a date anyway.” And it might piss Luna off if she sees me with her, so there’s a nice little bonus.

“Excellent. Thank you for at least giving her a chance, Nav.”

“Hey, maybe by the end of the night I’ll be thanking you.” Extremely unlikely, but you never know. “A quick question before we go. Do you know if there is actually a dragon here? I heard one might make an appearance this year.”

A new, familiar voice surprised me with an answer: “There is, Navarone,” Luna said, coalescing from the shadows around us. The griffins were quite surprised at this, but I was relatively used to it. “And I think Reginald would like to talk to you, if you have finished your business here.”

I looked down to the griffin princess. “Would you like to meet an old dragon?”

“Old is relative, but I would certainly be interested,” she answered.

I nodded and looked back to Luna. “We’ll find him, then. Surely he won’t be hard to miss, being about half the size of the palace.”

“I could take you and your… friend to him,” Luna said, a tinge of hope in her voice.

The king corrected her with, “His date, you mean.” Most of the griffins probably missed the small twitch Luna made, but I didn’t.

I knew pushing my luck with her would be a bad idea, so I didn’t comment on it. Instead, I said, “We’ll be fine. I would hate to take up some of your valuable time. Shall we, Gilda?” I spread my wings in anticipation.

She didn’t disappoint, winning a point of favor. “Let’s,” she said, jumping into the air. I quickly followed her. “I take it you are avoiding your princess?” she asked when we were far enough away.

“Yeah. Long story.” She alighted on a parapet and I landed next to her, sitting on the edge of the wall. “Now that we’re away from your dad, if you really don’t want to do this, I won’t even try to make you.” Lord knows that I don’t need another possible romantic interest.

“If not you, then it’ll just be someone else, probably a pony. At least I’ve heard of you! Though I haven’t heard much of your dealings with your… ugh, special someponies.”

“That just means censorship is still working well here. Well, shall we go find Reginald?”

“No need. I know where he is; I saw him on the flight over here.”

“Well alright then. Lead the way.” I know I don’t mind following griffins since you can get such amazing views when doing it. Going after the king’s daughter would normally be a bad idea, but since she came to me like that, it’s only fair. I wasn’t planning on actually fucking her, but a nice little view never hurt anyone.

And that’s exactly what I got when we took off and I began following her. Thankfully, she wasn’t in any hurry, which gave me both ample time to watch her and made it easy to follow her. Even knowing how to properly fold my wings didn’t mean I could fly that quickly.

When we landed, I saw that we were near the giant maze where there was plenty of room for a giant dragon. Reginald had a few ponies around him, but for the most part, the area was abandoned. After all, why go to a public part of the palace if you could instead go to the parts that aren’t normally open to the public?

“So that’s him?” she asked, looking over to the large dragon.

“Yeah. He’s a pretty cool guy, but he seems to have a thing against thieves. I was planning on spending all night to talk with him, but that was before I got a date.”

“So considerate of you,” she dryly said, starting to walk toward the dragon.

I quickly caught up to her and said, “I don’t mean that as an insult or that you’re a burden. I just figured you probably wouldn’t want to be around two guys talking about history.”

“If it was war history, I would definitely be interested.”

We were close enough now that Reginald noticed us. I would have answered her, but instead we were greeted somewhat loudly, “Ah, Navarone! It is good to see you yet again. Tell me, who is your new companion?”

“Princess Gilda of the griffins,” I said. “Gilda, this is Reginald, an old hero of Equestria and the naga.”

“Old, am I?” he rumbled, a small grin on his face.

“Your words, not mine,” I said with a shrug. “When we met, you were rather desperate to make me know that you were older than the princesses.”

“True enough. Has anything important happened since last we met?”

I was tempted to tell him of my foray into the past, but there were still too many ponies around and I didn’t want to risk getting word out. “Thankfully, no. My life is calming down. It’s admittedly boring, but boring is more enjoyable than someone trying to stick sharp things into me.”

Reginald tapped his claws onto the ground, leaving indents in the ground. “I suppose for those of us not used to being made of scales that double as armor, that is understandable.”

“So have you been catching up on your sleep these past few months?”

“Nay, catching up on the world. Much happens when your slumber lasts as long as mine. Most dragons do not bother with the world of mortals. I am not most dragons. However, much has been forgotten—usually on purpose. I will have more words for you on that subject later, when there are less prying ears around.” He cast his gaze around at the ponies, glaring at them. “A few of these were sent to spy on me by Celestia. She forgets that I have the hearing and eyes of a dragon.” One or two ponies quickly and awkwardly shuffled away and Reginald chuckled. “I knew that horse was up to something. She does not trust me. Meet me in my cave, when you get the chance.”

“Sure. The forest holds no real dangers for me anymore. When are you going back to it?”

“After this party, probably. I might leave early, unless something interesting happens.”

I grinned darkly. “Oh, something interesting will be happening. A friend and I had a little bit of fun with the food. If you can get a look inside the palace, I wouldn’t be surprised if the drugs are already starting to work.”

“What?” both the dragon and Gilda asked.

“Nothing dangerous, I assure you,” I quickly answered. “But I suggest against eating any of the food tonight, unless you want to have a very interesting night.”

“You probably should have told my father,” Gilda said, smiling in spite of her words.

“He probably shouldn’t have done it, actually,” Reginald corrected, neither smiling nor frowning. “But it is done and thus can’t be undone. Maybe I will stick around to the end of this party after all.”

“Cool. Say, something I’ve been thinking about. Do adult dragons ever dance?”

“No. The terrain does not take kindly to it. Why? Do you wish to dance with me, Navarone?”

“Not quite. I met a dragoness in Europe that knew how to dance. I was wondering if they continued dancing once they grew to dangerous sizes.”

“Well now you have your answer. What do you know of the dragons in Europe, Navarone?”

“Not much, other than that they are apparently led by someone named Pyrite. They also seem very uptight about a few laws they have, namely those against having sex outside their species.”

“Pyrite… He must be over eleven thousand years old by now. It might be worth flying across the ocean to see how he’s doing these days. Surely if there would be anyone that could give me a straight answer, it would be him.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. According to some of the dragons I talked to, he’s going eccentric.”

“That’s normal, an old curse from Discord. I know how to handle a bit of strangeness.” When he said that name, Discord, I remembered something from back on Earth.

“When we meet again, you need to tell me about Discord. That name keeps popping up, but I can’t find him in any history book other than that he used to rule and that there’s a statue of him here.”

He shook his head. “That statue isn’t ‘of him,’ Navarone. That statue is him.”

“Alright, you’re going to have to explain that later, when we talk. For now, I think we’re boring my date.”

“Hey, I don’t mind,” she quickly said. “Someone named Discord can’t be too boring.”

The dragon snorted out some steam at that. “If that is the case, I consider Nav to be correct about preferring boredom to interesting things. I have no desire to return to Discord’s rule. It was always interesting and something new, but those are not always good qualities to have. And since he happened to cause the downfall of the alicorns and their corruption into changelings, he does not have the favor of anyone that was alive when he was around.”

“Oh yeah, you’re explaining this in detail later,” I said. “Chrysalis mentioned her past in passing, but I was a little too preoccupied to ask her about it.”

The dragon leaned back, the area around his eyebrows raised. “You know Moonbeam? Though I suppose she goes by Chrysalis now. It’s probably best you not mention her real name, these days.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t already know. Yeah, I know her. She’s evil, but very useful.”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call her evil,” he said with a shrug. “Tragic, yes. Desperate, definitely. Evil? How far would you go for something that you desire more than life itself? She sold her soul for her desire, though I think that she regrets it to this day.”

“Man, how do you know all this stuff? Was whatever she did really that common knowledge?”

“No. However, I happen to know her old apprentice and her last charge. But that is a story for another time. Go back to the party, Navarone. I might keep an eye on the proceedings, to see if anything interesting occurs.”

“God, that just raises more questions… Alright. I know what to ask when we meet again, then. It was nice seeing you.”

“And you, Navarone. And it was nice meeting you, Gilda.”

She nodded at the giant lizard and the two of us started walking back to the palace. “I would pay dearly for his knowledge,” she eventually whispered when we were hopefully far enough away from him.

“You and me both,” I just as quietly answered. “I imagine we have different reasons, though. Thankfully, he’s a pretty cool guy, so I don’t really have to pay him.”

“And you. You say you know Chrysalis, the queen of the changelings. You also know my father and both of the princesses here. You seem to know a number of people in power. And yet you’re merely a knight. Why is that?”

“I don’t want power. I’m happy enough living on my little estate and keeping to myself. Making yourself powerful brings enemies. Enemies bring pain. Being powerful also brings responsibilities. No offense, but you’ve probably had a life of relative luxury and ease. Born a princess and raised in a royal palace. I’m sure it was probably boring and you yearned for excitement and all that bullshit; everyone did as a kid. I quickly learned that excitement is not fun at all.” We finally got inside. “Do you care to dance?”

“I really don’t. I’d much rather sit and talk.”

“Well ain’t that a first. You’re the only noblewoman I’ve met that didn’t want to dance. Well, let’s find a quiet area of the party and chat, shall we?”

“If it makes you feel any better, you’re one of the few noble… men that asked me what I wanted to do. There is less love to be gained the higher rank you have, especially if you are the king’s youngest daughter.”

“You could try getting disowned.” I pulled out a chair for her at an empty table for two, hoping that not leaving any empty chairs would discourage people from bothering us. She took the seat with a gracious nod and I pushed it in, thankful that griffins didn’t weigh all that much. I took the seat across from her.

“That has its own drawbacks. Despite everything, being a princess is useful. It may not always be enjoyable, but the positives outweigh the negatives.”

“If it’s working for you, it’s working for you. I can’t imagine myself ever being royalty. I’m too much of a dick to people and I couldn’t get away with that if I was too important.”

“You can get used to anything…”

I was about to answer when I felt a hoof on my shoulder. I turned to find Fancy Pants giving me a rather grim look. “Hello Navarone, Princess. Nav, I have… interesting news: Be wary of my wife. She’s on the prowl and I believe she would not mind adding your name to her list.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I know how to deal with people like her.”

“Do not restrain yourself for my sake,” he said. “I was just warning you that she may disturb your little rendezvous.”

“Noted. While you’re here, is there anything you can do about Rarity and her influence here?”

He shook his head sadly. “It’s too late. I may be socially and politically powerful, but what she has created is too widespread. Trust me, I did try to contain it, but that mare is very single-minded when it comes to such things.”

I sighed. “Well, as long as no one bothers me about it, I won’t mind too much.”

“Oh, they would all be too circumspect to bother you about it here, but I’m not certain that respect will go to you if they ever see you in the city or in a less upscale setting.”

“I’ll deal with it as it comes. Thanks for the warning and for attempting to stop Rarity’s stupidity.”

“Anything for a friend, Navarone. Now, I must beg my leave; I would hate to keep interrupting.” He quickly made himself scarce as I turned back to Gilda.

“He seems so familiar,” she said, watching him leave. “How did he know who I was?”

“He’s an old knight. He probably met you when you were younger.”

“What was that about his wife?”

I shrugged, leaning back. “Proof of why marrying for looks is never a good idea. She’s basically a slut, looking to score whoever she can find that’ll have her. Looks like I might be next on her list.”

“Surely this behavior is not seen as acceptable! I know that the ponies have looser morals and fewer qualms than we griffins do, but this must be too far!”

“Depends on the person—or pony, I suppose. Fancy treats it more as an annoyance than anything else.”

“Then he is a fool, and hardly deserves respect or to be married. But enough on him. Tell me of you, Navarone.”

“I have a feeling you already know plenty about me. How about you tell me about you instead?”

“The life of a princess is hardly an interesting one, though being the youngest princess meant I was allowed rather… different hobbies. Where most griffins would prefer to hunt and destroy, I learned and built—or attempted to, at least. There’s only so much you can do when your country is built as a mirror of another.” For those that don’t know, the castle at Gryphus is based very much on Canterlot’s castle, though it has a much darker general theme.

“So you’re an engineer of sorts.”

“Of sorts, yes. It was more for explorative purposes than it was for practical purposes; I do little of consequence. But I hear you and your people have machines and knowledge the likes of which we could only dream.”

“We do.” I felt the beginnings of a plan tugging at my mind. “If I had to guess, I’d say you were more interested in what I can give you rather than me.”

“I am a king’s daughter. I’ll admit that you are incredibly interesting from a number of perspectives and that I would definitely like to get to know you better, but you judged me correctly.”

Hm… “What would you say if I told you that I could get you the plans for every major human invention made in the last two thousand years?”

“I’d ask what your angle was. Something that valuable can’t be free. You said you don’t want power and you don’t seem to want marriage. I can’t imagine you’d need bits.”

“What I would need is an assurance that a few certain someponies don’t find out about this. There are a number of parties that would be quite interested in the knowledge I have to give out. Both the ponies and the changelings have begun to mimic human technology in some ways, but they didn’t have access to nearly the amount of blueprints and raw data that I have now.”

“Surely you want more than that. My silence is already assured; the projects of the griffins shall remain the business of the griffins.”

“Have you heard of the Zone of Alienation?” This was the name of the place Luna supposedly got the dream machine from, the place that I assumed was the old Google bunker.

“In passing. It is said to be a heavily guarded vault, though no one knows what exactly is guarding it.”

“I want in. Be it a war team, a stealth team, or anything, I want to get inside of that vault.”

“It might take time to get such a team together, especially if I want to do it without my father’s notice. I’ll be going too, of course.”

I shrugged. “I don’t care who all goes, as long as I get in. I’ll be leaving Equestria soonish on business and I don’t know when I’ll return. When do you think you can have the team ready?”

“It shouldn’t take me more than a year. I can have them on standby until you get back.”

“How long can you stay in Equestria? It will take you time to copy out the schematics I allow you to have.”

“As long as I tell my father that I’m staying in Equestria because of you, I can stay for as long as I need.”

“Excellent. Now what is your opinion on changelings?”

She blinked at the sudden topic change, but answered, “The squealing sound they make when boiled is most delectable. And the noise their carapace makes is also funny.”

“I have a changeling maid.”

“Being a princess means learning to deal with all types. I do not like changelings and they do not like griffins, but if it means having access to your knowledge, I would kiss your maid.” I’ll have to keep that in mind. “Are there any other tenants that I would be interested in?”

“My daughter, a naga sword trainer, and another two princesses, one of which is a baby.”

“Interesting company. You know, when I had this idea, I didn’t expect it would end like this. With your reputation, I figured I would have to do more to get what I want.”

“First, that’s insulting for a number of reasons. Second, you’re lucky I can help you at all. I’m no engineer. I only have the plans and blueprints because I got lucky. Third, just because I’m a massive slut doesn’t mean I’ll demand sex from someone as payment. I mean, I wouldn’t say no, but only after it was understood that it was for fun and not for whatever they wanted.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she dryly said.

I had a feeling the conversation was about to lull, so I was somewhat happy to have a servant drop a note off for me and leave without a word.

“Passing notes?” Gilda asked, grinning around her beak.

I rolled my eyes as I opened it. Meet me in your favorite sitting room in ten. Bring your cute friend. ♥ - Big C.

I looked over to the throne room to see a heavily blushed and probably drugged Celestia giving me a rather creepy look. She winked when she saw me looking. I slowly turned back around.

“Anything important?” my griffin friend asked.

I folded the note closed and stuffed it into a pocket. “Not really. Want to help me prank some people?”

“Surely you’re above such childish tricks.”

“Hey, you’re never too old for revenge. You want in or not?”

She sighed. “Oh, very well. I have a feeling you would do this without me anyway.”

I hopped out of my chair and pushed it in, looking around the room for my target. It didn’t take me long to spot Fleur de Lis in a rather fancy yet somehow slutty dress watching me from nearby. When Gilda was out of her chair, I gently put a hand on her neck and began circumspectly leading her around the room to where Fleur was waiting.

“I heard from a little birdie that you were looking for me,” I quietly said to the tall gazelle-like Fleur.

“That little birdie knows what he’s talking about,” she said, a sultry tone in her voice. “I’ve heard quite a lot about you, Sir Navarone. Rich. Mysterious. And you definitely know your way around a mare.” Her eyes twitched to Gilda for a moment before she added, “And many other races, it would seem. Tell me, would you happen to be interested in a little lover’s tryst? You can bring your friend, if you want.”

Gilda bristled at that, but I gripped the back of her neck as a warning. “It would be our pleasure,” I said, smiling. “And yours too, I believe. I know just the place we can meet, assuming you don’t mind missing the rest of the party.”

“Ooh, a stallion that has stamina. I am listening, Nav. Tell me of this lovely little spot of yours.”

I gave her directions to the sitting room where Celestia would soon be waiting. “Meet us there in ten minutes,” I said at the end. “We’ll be waiting…”

“With a baited breath that I’ll be all too happy to take away, I hope,” she answered. “I’ll see you both soon.” With that, she whirled around, walking away in a way that shook her tail and her hips in a way that told me I would probably regret sending her to Celestia instead of taking her for myself.

“So, great,” Gilda said, turning on me. “You got us in a threesome with a whore. How is that a prank?”

“That is merely the first step. Come, we have a daughter of mine to find.” If I was correct, I was about to both make Featherweight’s balls drop and also get frontline news for months.

“Where are you going with this, Navarone?” she asked, following me.

“The note I got was from a prominent citizen asking me to meet her in the place I just told Fleur to go. This prominent citizen is also baked off her mind with drugs, meaning that whoever goes into that room better be ready for the time of their life. My daughter brought a camera for pictures for a newspaper. So if I take pictures of what will be happening in that room, those pictures will be plastered all over the news. That is my prank.”

“You know, you could use those pictures for blackmail instead.”

“I could, yeah. I like my idea better, though.”

“Whatever. What does your daughter look like?”

“She’s a purple unicorn with a white dress. Last I saw, she was wearing a sapphire tiara and a matching necklace.”

“Wait here. I’ll do a circle around the palace and see if I see her.” Before I could answer, she used her feline speed to bound out of the palace and take off.

I shrugged and grabbed a drink from a passing waiter, hoping it wasn’t one that Pinkie had spiked. I took a moment to lean against the wall, folding my wings so they didn’t ache, and listened to the music. It was something from my world, but I couldn’t place it offhand. I saw Octavia playing in the band, but she was too engrossed in her music to notice me.

Whatever the drink was didn’t taste like it had been treated, so I sipped at it as I continued looking around. The effects of the drugs were definitely noticeable. I could see a number of confused and presumably drugged ponies ambling around like zombies, though few others were paying attention to them. Some were staring off into space, pupils heavily dilated. I think a few were asleep standing up, their heads drooping and small rivulets of drool creeping down from their mouths.

“Well, Nav?” a familiar voice said, popping out of nowhere at my side.

“I think we did good, Pinkie,” I answered, nodding. “Do you happen to know where Taya is?”

“Nope! Say, wanna dance?”

“Nah. My date’ll be back soon and I don’t want her getting the wrong idea.”

“Oooh, can I meet her?”

“I’d rather you didn’t, but I’m hardly going to stop you. She’s Princess Gilda, a very different Gilda than the one you know. Do you know if Rarity or Twilight have any drugs in their system yet?”

“They both do. I made sure of that personally! The smiles they have on make this totally worth it!”

“Cool. And whatever you gave Celestia, make sure you never use it again. From the look on her face, she’s about ready to fuck anything that moves.”

“That sounds fun to me, though. I remember that one time at the Europe party when she was in heat and I was a stallion and you abandoned me. It was a lot of fun for everypony!”

“True. But she can go overboard very quickly. And I really, really hope you didn’t give whatever you gave to Celestia to Luna.”

“Uuuh…”

I immediately dropped the half-smile I had. “You didn’t.”

“Well, I don’t know if she actually ate it… But I did.”

My wings twitched, trying to unconsciously escape. “What do you mean, she might not have eaten it?”

“Well, I heard Luna wasn’t much one for sweets. Or at least, not nearly as much as Celestia. I made sure it was in Luna’s dessert, though. It helps mask the taste.”

“Oh great. I have both Molestia and Lunaughty on the loose.” I sighed and twisted the ring on my finger, grateful that there was little they could do to me while I was wearing it.

“Sounds like a chance to score sisters to me!” Pinkie said, her usual good mood shining through.

“If I was interested, sure. But I’m here with someone, and that’s just bad form. And there she is now.” Gilda was ambling back in from the door from which she left.

“Found her,” she said as soon as she was close enough. “You ready?”

“Yeah. One thing, though: This is Pinkie, a friend of mine. She wanted to meet you.”

“And be your friend!” Pinkie yelled, being her normal self.

“Uh huh. Well, you’ve met me. Shall we, Navarone?”

“Lead the way.” I wasn’t about to subject anyone else—or myself, for that matter—to Pinkie any longer than I had to.

“Aww…” Pinkie groaned as we quickly left. I regretfully slipped my ring off to follow Gilda into the air, letting her lead me to where Taya was hopefully waiting.

“You really don’t lack for the company of mares, do you?” Gilda asked as we flew.

“Nope. A few bad decisions and a few fun decisions and you build up a reputation. Mix that with a relatively open society and I get laid a lot.”

“I imagine that does wonders for your love life.”

“Hey, you came looking. But for the most part, the women I run into don’t want anything more than sex. And a few of the older ones don’t want anything at all.”

“Well isn’t that unfortunate. I’m sure you can always find a bug that might be willing.”

“No chance in hell. Changelings are fun to fuck, but I don’t think I could be in a relationship with one. Ah, there’s Taya.”

“It is weird to see a predator with such poor eyes,” she commented as we began descending. “Are all humans like this?”

“Some are better, some are worse. I think I’m a little above average, but I could be wrong. We don’t really need eyes that are so sharp when we can make things that magnify our vision and kill from a distance.”

“And you could give us schematics for such things?”

“The magnifiers, sure. Hell, you guys already have those, in the form of binoculars or telescopes.” We finally landed next to a rather bored looking Taya. “There you are.”

“Hi, Daddy. This isn’t as easy as I was hoping.”

“It might be easier if you were in a place with a lot of people instead of out here in the garden.” She looked around, sighing. “Either way, I can get you the pictures you need. I just need to borrow your camera for a few minutes.”

She wasted no time at all using magic to pass me the camera. “Have fun.”

“Cool. Meet me back in the entrance hall. There’s a pretty good chance we’ll be leaving after I get these pictures. I just want to let Cadance know before we jet.”

She grinned, nodding. “See you soon, daddy!” she quickly said before galloping off, presumably hoping I wouldn’t change my mind and make her come with me.

“I figured any daughter of yours would be more lively and social.”

“If only. Now, one more quick trip left. Let’s go for a short walk in a nice, secluded garden.”

“I trust there’s a reason for this other than your carnal desires?”

“There is.” I spread my wings and took off, trusting that she would follow me. She did, not that it really mattered one way or another. I led her to the garden courtyard that had the window that pointed into the sitting room that I despised. I waited for Gilda to land before slowly and quietly walking up to the window, peeking inside. What I saw instantly made my wings shoot out.

Gilda snorted, not even making an attempt to look through the window. I tried bringing my wings under control before giving up and lifting the camera to snap a few pictures. Thankfully, Taya doesn’t know how to work a camera, so the flash was off. I was able to get a few shots of Celestia using her hair to pretend to be a tentacle monster to Fleur, who couldn’t decide if she should be pleased beyond belief or horrified.

When I deemed that I had enough footage to give the newspapers years of material, I backed away from the window. “Let’s go. Quickly,” I whispered.

She looked at my wings, grinning. “Can you even fly like that?”

I answered her question by taking off. I punctuated that answer by getting only as far as a courtyard over before being forced to land. She landed next to me, laughing her ass off.

“Yeah, very fucking funny. It’s not my fault I have pegasus wings.”

“I-I could help,” a new voice quietly said. I had my hand on my sword and positioned myself in front of Gilda before I even realized what I was doing.

“Wait… Is that you, Smiles?” I asked, looking at the night guard that also seemed to have some very extended wings.

“Y-yes sir! And… ignore that. I’ve been having these terrible urges for half an hour.”

“You looked pretty alone out here before we showed up. Just deal with it yourself.”

“I’m on patrol, sir, and Princess Luna herself knows I’m out. She was even nice enough to give me her dessert when she heard my stomach growling.”

I flinched internally at that. “Well, good luck, and I hope your patrol route takes you near one of your boy toys. I need to get the princess here back to the party.”

His ears jerked straight up before drooping down. “Yes sir…” After the adrenaline rush I had when he spooked me, my wings were back to their normal state. With that, I was able to take off. I thought I heard him muttering, “Stupid!” as I left, but I could have been mistaken.

“You pick up the strangest companions,” Gilda commented as we lazily flew over the palace. “Or perhaps that was more than a companion?”

“I don’t swing that way.” Aside from that one time. “It just happens to be useful to know a few people that you are leading.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

We landed back in front of the palace and let ourselves back inside. I slid the ring on as we walked through the pink shield, feeling safe again. At that point, I knew that Luna didn’t end up getting the drug, but Celestia still had it in her and Fleur might not have been enough to sate her.

All things told, though, it was looking to be a good night.

I easily spotted Taya standing against the wall, looking very out of place in the party that was populated almost entirely by adults. It also helped that she was one of the only people there that was alone and acting reasonably sane; at this point in the party, most of the guests were baked off their ass. There wasn’t any chaos, but nor was there really any order. As we walked over to Taya, I took a picture here and there, documenting what was probably going to be the most well-remembered Gala in a long time.

By the time we finally got over to Taya, Cadance was waiting there with her. “Are you ready to leave, Nav?” she asked, looking around the room. “You’ve done a very good job ruining this Gala, and I believe it is time for us to go.”

I handed the camera to Taya, nodding. “Yeah, I’m ready. How’s Shiny?”

She grinned. “He’s having fun talking to a lamp that he thinks is me.”

“Excellent. Cadance, this is Princess Gilda. Gilda, this is taffy-pony.”

“We’ve met,” Gilda quickly said. “I did not know her as taffy-pony, though. I take it this is to be one of my temporary housemates?”

Cadance sighed, massaging at her head with a hoof. “Nav, did you take yet another mare into your house without asking me?”

“This is a princess. Chill the fuck out. It’ll only be for a few days anyway, and that’s just assuming her father even gives her permission. Hell, aren’t you supposed to be out of my house by now anyway?”

Cadance just sighed, shaking her head. When she looked back up at me to answer, her eyes went wide and unfocused, staring somewhere behind me. After a moment, her mouth dropped.

I knew that look. I whirled around, a hand to my sword. I was quite surprised at the sight I beheld: This stallion looked like Blueblood before his fall, though his coat and hair were muted and darker. His eyes seemed to have an intensity to them that they were lacking before. And of course, they were fixated dead on me as he slowly walked through the hall on legs that seemed to have more joints than they should.

I quickly turned back. “Now would be an excellent time to leave,” I said. “Let’s find somewhere that isn’t here to be, shall we?”

“Navarone!” In his voice was a hatred and in my name, an accusation. “Or is it Sir? Sir Navarone, Defender of Harmony. Some defender you are, though.”

I turned back, crossing my arms. “Is that all?”

“I did not go through what I went through and make the deals I made to tell you that, fool! I challenge you to a duel to the death, Navarone, winner takes all the loser possessed.”

“Not even a little bit interested.”

“Oh, so you show your cowardice! What a big surprise, seeing the human show his true colors after so long!”

“I have learned one very important thing about people like you: They thrive on attention. Goodbye, Blueblood.”

“That’s Prince Blueblood, you dirty ape!”

Cadance jumped to my defense, though I figured Gilda might have done the same if she was quick enough. “Any so-called prince that abandons his ponies and his kingdom in a temper tantrum deserves neither titles nor respect. You are a prince no longer, Blueblood; you lost your titles a week after you left.”

I took a small amount of satisfaction in seeing the look of horror on his face before making what was almost a terminal mistake and turning around. “Now that this is dealt with, I think it’s time to—”

“MOVE!” Flo screamed, trying to warn me.

I had no time to move before I felt something tearing through my chest. My eyes opened wide, staring down at the red and white grooved horn that was protruding a few inches out from where my heart was supposed to be. In my shock and horror I didn’t feel it, but Blueblood used a hoof to push me away as he pulled back, knocking me to the floor.

I couldn’t even feel the pain, just a dull emptiness as my amber life-fluid tried to close the gaping wound that I was almost positive would kill me. The last thing I remembered was a massive flash of heat and light before I woke up in Flo’s cool embrace.

“I… I’m not getting up from this one, am I?” I quietly said, barely able to feel myself conscious even in my mind.

“Shh, Nav,” she whispered, gently patting at my hair. “I’m here for you. I’m here, and I won’t let you die. Not like this.”

I could still feel myself slipping. My body was augmented and mutated, but when you get stabbed in the heart, there’s only so much you can do.

“Don’t think like that,” she quickly said. “I’ll take care of you.” I was barely able to hear her at that point. I let myself drift away, almost feeling relief.

Chapter Eighty-Four—Harvest

Chapter Eighty-Four—Harvest

Learning how to use a sword should be easier than this. I was a whole lot better than when I started, but the naga was better still. He hauled me off the ground after yet another failed bout and pointed behind me. “We have a guest.”

I looked behind me to find someone I wasn’t expecting to ever see again. “Braeburn?” I whispered. I looked back to the naga. “Break time. I need to see what he wants.”

“Very well. I can help Taya instead.” Her trainer left a week ago and she didn’t have anyone else to practice with. The naga was relatively resilient, giving her a target to practice with.

He started slithering to the back door while I moved to Braeburn, who looked like he had walked around the house to get back here.

“Long time no see,” I commented when I was close enough, removing my helmet and putting it on its hook. “What’ve you been up to?”

“This and that,” he answered with a wide smile. “How have you been?”

“Surprisingly well, given my occupation. What brings you ‘round these parts?”

“Cousin Applejack needed help with the harvest. She called for everypony anypony could spare. As it turns out… I’m it.”

“As big as her family is, how are you the only one that was able to come help?”

He shrugged. “It’s harvest everywhere. Most of us have crops we have to tend to. Don’t think anypony realized just how badly Applejack needed us, though. Have you seen the size of some of her plants?”

“No, actually. I don’t get over that way often. She told me she was going to need my help, though. Is it really that bad?”

He nodded. “I don’t know what most of those plants are, but they’re all massive. Melons the size of a pony’s body, tubes the size of one of our legs, all kinds of things! We’re gonna have our work cut out for us, that’s for sure.”

“Damn shame I told her I’d help, then. That sounds like a lot of work that I don’t really want to do. When are we starting?”

“Tomorrow morning, bright and early! She said if you didn’t get there soon enough, I could give you a nice wakeup call.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary, unless she decides to start before dawn. Think she’d mind too much if I brought a few others?”

“I don’t think she’d say no. I sure wouldn’t.” The way his voice changed, I don’t think he was talking about farming anymore.

Now, I was somewhat tempted to take him up on his little offer, but after about two months with almost no sex, I was actually feeling… better. I don’t know how much better, but it was like a haze was lifted off my eyes and everything else seemed more vibrant.

So I nodded. “Then I’ll be sure to bring them with me. I’m sure Taya, a naga, and a changeling will be useful.”

“Alrighty. I reckon I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Remember, bright and early.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Take care.”

“You too, Nav.” And like that, he was off. He didn’t seem to mind that I shrugged off his offer and I did tell him that I was probably done with stallions, so I was hoping that would be the end of it. Either way, I knew I was in for a busy couple of days.

When I went back inside, I found the naga, Taya, Cadance, and Eva in the kitchen. “So who wants to play farmer for a week?” I asked, kicking the door shut behind me.

I received a number of uninterested looks. Ames eventually said, “While farming is one of the most respected professions in the naga clans, few of us have any desire to be one. For what cause would we ‘play farmer’?”

“Applejack’s harvest is going on and she has more work than she can handle. When she sent out a request for help from her family, only one person showed up. I agreed to help a month ago and there will be a few volunteers from town, but that’s it. She’s gonna need more help.”

“I’ll go!” Eva happily answered, eager for a way to please me.

“And I don’t mind helping,” Cadance answered. “Celly always told me it was good to see where my food came from, said it would give me a better appreciation for it.”

“I don’t see her fat ass agreeing to help us. What about you, Taya? I know Twilight’s supposed to be there and I’ve seen her pull entire orchards of apples out of trees at a time. She can probably teach you better telekinetic control or whatever.”

“…That could be useful, I guess. I suppose I’ll go.”

I looked over to the naga and shrugged. “With your two students going, you’ll be bored just sitting around the house. I know an extra pair of hands would be appreciated. There’s plenty of farm work that hands are better for than hooves.”

He sighed. “Very well. If nothing else, I imagine it will be good exercise.”

I heard a wooden rattling and looked that way to see Freki wagging his tail. “Yeah, you can come too. Now, we’ll probably go around the time that the sun comes up. So go to bed early.”

“What about Doppel?” Eva asked.

“I don’t think Doppel is much of a farming person,” I answered with a shrug. “She isn’t suited to hard work.” I looked back over to the naga. “Want to keep training? We still have a few hours of sun.”

“Very well, though I will need to leave to hunt soon. If I’m going to be spending the next week on a farm, I will need to stock up.” I found it pretty amusing that Cadance didn’t even flinch at that anymore.

“Eh. A few more hours won’t do much for me. We can both go hunting instead. And yes, Freki, you can also go.” He seemed to grin as I walked out of the kitchen to go get changed into something more suitable for flying over the forest.

At this point, the naga and I had hunting in that place down to an art. He would go in on the ground and make as much noise as possible to scare something into moving away from him or to bait something into attacking him. I’d pick whatever moved off from the air, since I had better sightlines. We found that it worked wonders.

I woke up early the next morning, as I always do. A quick glance out the window showed the sun was about halfway over the horizon. Too damn early in the morning for this shit. I quickly did my morning routine and went on downstairs to wait for everyone else.

The naga and Cadance were already there. “So if you’re going to harvest, who’s taking care of your spawn?” the naga was asking as I sat down at the kitchen table.

“Doppel. After so long, I think I can trust her. And since she can pretend to be me, there shouldn’t be any problems with Skyla.”

“So with an alicorn and two overpowered unicorns, how long should this take?” I asked, ruffling my feathers as they continued to dry from my shower.

“I don’t really use my magic for much,” Cadance answered. “I suppose I have an alicorn’s strength, but I don’t know how much that will be worth without much training. I’m sure Twilight and Taya will be able to help, though.”

“If Taya ever gets down here, sure. Hm… If we’re going to have a long day of working, we’ll need to start it right. Cadance, if you start cooking, I can go drag their lazy asses downstairs.”

“That’s a good idea, but you might want to let them take showers first.”

“Eh, maybe. See you in a few minutes.” She hopped up and walked over to the food storage receptacle while I walked back down the hall to head upstairs again. I don’t think the naga said a word.

I went down to Taya’s room first. I heard her moving around, so I knew she was up. I just knocked on her door and called, “Ten minutes to breakfast.”

“Okay, daddy!” I don’t know what she was doing and I don’t really care. With her notified and getting ready, I went to go wake up Mimeo. He wasn’t moving around, so I gently knocked on the door. When I didn’t get an answer, I pushed it open.

The glowing eyes of Freki greeted me from the corner he had taken to sitting in. Mimeo was still asleep, the curtains drawn tightly around the window. I walked over and poked him. “Time to wake up,” I merrily said.

His solid blue eyes flashed open. “Why so early?” he whispered, still very tired.

“Because you’re helping me farm.”

“Eva agreed to that. I did not.”

I crossed my arms. “You’ve been living in my house for over a month now, doing nothing but freeloading. I said when I brought you in that you were working for me. Well, consider this your first real job. Now come on.” I reached down and grabbed him, slinging him over a shoulder. “Freki, come.” The not so little wolf stood up and began following me out the room.

“You don’t have to carry me,” Mimeo said behind my back. He didn’t seem to be fighting, though, choosing instead to hang there limply.

“Yeah, but making you uncomfortable amuses me.” I could practically hear both him and Flo rolling their eyes.

Before I could get to the stairs, one of the doors opened and Doppel walked out in her sexy little maid uniform. She looked up to my shoulder and sighed. “Nav, did you get the wrong changeling again? At least last time it was a girl!”

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the noise Eva made when I threw her on the bed. And then what she said… ‘What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?’ Major boner killer, man.

“Nah, I’m not looking to get my dick wet this time. Just a wakeup call.”

“I see. Why aren’t I going with you to the farm?”

I shrugged, bouncing Mimeo up and down. “Someone has to watch Cadance’s brat. And I don’t really want to leave the house completely empty, either.”

Mimeo snorted. “I thought your reasoning was because she’d be bad at it.” I shrugged my left shoulder harder, jostling him even more.

“I’ve never tried farming before,” she mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. “What makes you think I’d be bad at it?”

“I didn’t say that you would be. I said that I don’t think you’d be suited for it. You’re a maid now and you were a spy before. You might do a lot of cardio, but other than that, you don’t really do much working out. I just don’t think hard, labor-intensive work is what you’d be best at.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right. Still, I could probably help somehow.”

“Eh. The other points are still true. Someone needs to look after Skyla and I don’t want to leave the house empty. I trust you can manage?”

She lifted a hoof for a salute. “Of course, master.”

“Excellent. Now, no debauched orgies in front of the baby.”

She sighed and kicked at the floor. “Fiiiine. I’ll find something else to do instead. I suppose I could finally look over that Kama Sutra book you gave me…”

“Let me know what you think. Now, I gotta get this lazy bum downstairs. Have fun, Doppel. Lord only knows the rest of us won’t.”

She giggled and said, “I’ll be sure to be ready when you get back with a nice… stress reliever, then. With how you’ve been neglecting me, I know you need it.”

“Yeah, I probably will. See you tonight, then.” With that, I was finally on my way back to the kitchen. I unceremoniously dumped Mimeo in a chair when I got down there and took up a seat next to him.

“Your shoulder is not very comfortable, Navarone,” he said, not even looking at me.

“Your hard carapace isn’t that comfortable either. Just remember that the next time you decide to be lazy and sleep in.”

“To be fair,” Cadance said, “he never agreed to help. That was Eva.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s just been freeloading. I figure it’s about time he had something to do.”

“It’s your own fault that none of them had anything to do, Nav,” she said. “You brought them in here knowing there wouldn’t be much for them to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Now, how many of you have ever done any kind of farm work before?” No answers. “Didn’t think so. I haven’t done much here in Ponyville, but if it’s anything like it was back in my world, it’ll involve a lot of heat and sweat. If changelings or naga even can sweat. You’ll need to replenish fluids a lot, so keep plenty of water near you. And if you’re doing much physical labor, you’ll need to be ready to take breaks. You don’t want to get heat sickness, after all.”

“Can’t we just get Rainbow Dash or somepony else to cover the farm in clouds?” Cadance asked.

“Oh yeah, we could ask. But you know how those Cloudsdale bastards are. I’m sure between your princess status and my knighthood, we can probably get some kind of cover. We’ll have to ask Dash. It’s a good idea, though; it’ll be a lot less painful for everyone involved if we didn’t have to worry about the sun.”

“I guess you still aren’t quite used to ponies being able to move the clouds,” Cadance commented, flipping the hash browns she was cooking with magic.

“I just don’t actively think about it. You’d think I’d be more used to these things after so much time here.”

“That’s what you have the rest of us around for. So where’s Taya?”

“Upstairs getting ready. I don’t know what she’s doing, but she’ll be down in time for breakfast. Doppel’s also awake, doing something up there.”

“Well, it’s almost ready so she better get down here soon.” I just leaned back in my seat and waited, knowing I’d want all the time relaxing I could get soon enough.

Taya didn’t take much longer to get downstairs. She joined us at the table in silence. A few minutes later, Cadance finished breakfast and we hastily ate. With food in our bellies, we began down the road to Applejack’s not very humble orchard. On the way there we found Braeburn.

“Ah, there you are. Applejack was wondering where y’all were.”

“It takes time to get five people moving,” I answered with a shrug. “Braeburn, meet Mimeo, the naga, and Princess Cadance.”

When I said the princess part, his eyes jerked to her back and noticed her wings. After a second of gaping, he hastily bowed.

“Please, none of that,” Cadance was quick to say. “I don’t want anypony bowing or scraping at all, let alone while we’re working on the farm.” When Braeburn was back up, looking away and blushing, she nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Braeburn. You’re somepony that’ll be helping us, right?”

“Yes, Princess. I’ll just… run ahead to let Applejack know y’all’re comin’.” He galloped back off down the road before anyone could say anything.

“What a queer pony,” the naga idly commented before moving again.

“You don’t know the half of it,” I sighed, joining him. Thankfully, he didn’t ask what I meant by that so I didn’t have to explain that Braeburn took it in the ass. That would bring up the awkward question of how I knew, which would bring up what I did with him, and the naga is a severe homophobe. He didn’t need to know and I had no intention of telling him. The others fell in behind us as we continued to the farm.

By the time we got there, Applejack and her cadre of close friends were waiting for us. “‘Bout time y’all got here,” Applejack said with a small smile. “You ready for work, I hope?”

“Yep. Quick question before we start, though. Would it affect anything if we got some cloud cover to keep the sun off us?”

“Well, it would be mighty nice… Rainbow, you think you can help us out?”

“Uh… I could ask, but I don’t know if they’d just let me up and bring some clouds over here.”

I grinned and said, “Tell them you have a princess here that might get heat stroke if she has to deal with the sun too much. And also tell them that they’ll have an angry knight making their lives hard if they don’t throw us a bone.”

Dash nodded. “That’ll be enough, I bet. I’ll be back soon!” She took off in a flash, shooting off toward town.

I turned back to Applejack. “Well, where do you want us?”

She turned to Twilight. “Can you take Princess Cadance and Taya and get them pickin’ apples in the east orchard?”

“Of course, Applejack.” She began leading Taya and Cadance off.

“Big Mac, you take Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the changeling and get to work on the northeast field. I’ll join y’all later.”

“Eeyup.” The huge stallion led his two mares and Mimeo away, dragging a large cart behind him. Freki followed behind them, knowing he had to keep an eye on Mimeo for me.

“Hmmm… Braeburn, you take the big guy, Rarity, and Spike on down to the finger fields. They oughta be able to do good there. When you get them started, join me and Big Mac in the northeast field.”

“…Finger fields?” I asked.

“A lot of them seeds you gave me grew things that weren’t made to be picked by hooves, Nav. They grow on or in the ground and fingers or claws or talons are much easier to get them with. I reckon them three can do a good job there.”

“Why aren’t I going, then?”

She eyed my hands as they all walked off. “I got… somethin’ else in mind for you. C’mon.”

“You know, if you wanted another belly rub, all you had to do was ask.”

“Now, I’m not gonna say I don’t want another, but that ain’t what I had in mind. Grab those pails there.” I picked the metal buckets up and continued following her. “Now I don’t judge and I don’t put much in store of rumors, but are some of the things I’ve heard about you and those hands true?”

“Yes. That said, I have no idea what you’ve heard.”

“That they’re good with mares. And a certain stallion.”

“Then definitely yes.”

“Good. You’re just what I need.” Given that we were entering the relatively dark barn, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.

“So… what am I going to be doing?”

She grinned, reaching up to pull a lamp switch. “Mornin’ call, ladies!” The light flickered on to reveal a large number of cows. “This here’s your new milker.” Oh dear God, why? “Nav, I believe you know some of these cows. This here’s Daisy Joe. She’ll show you around, get you to know everyp—er, cow.”

The bovines around us were starting to wake up, stretching and being cows. “Uh, I’m not so sure about this…” I said, looking around me in thinly veiled horror.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Nav. They don’t mind it at all! Now I’ll just leave y’all to get acquainted. You need anything, Granny Smith’s in the house and I’ll be in the northeast field with the others.” She left before I could tell her the reason I didn’t want to do this.

Flo, have I ever told you how much I hate cows?

“No, you haven’t. That said, I think I understand why.”

Smelly, filthy, monstrous, mindless. Even in this world, most aren’t smart. Fuck, I hate cows.

“I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it. I don’t think there will be much of a problem, honestly. Just tolerate them, Nav.”

I sighed and walked over to the one named Daisy. “So what exactly am I supposed to do?” I asked her.

She gave me a rather unsettling grin. “Milking isn’t hard, dontcha know? Just feel around down there until you find my teats, then start pulling. I’ll guide you through it. Pull that stool over and we’ll get started.” For some reason, there was a stool against the wall. Who uses this? I just shrugged, dragged it over, and sat down beside her. “Now, put the pail under the udder.” Down it went, right under the pale mass of flesh and milk. “Wrap your hands around two of the teats.” I did so and she sighed loudly. “Oooh, they’re warm…”

“Is that a problem? I can stop if you want!” Please, god, let me stop.

“No, no… Now, squeeze the base and gently pull down, squeezing with the rest of your hand.” I did so and was rewarded with a squirt of milk in the pail. She shuddered and whispered, “More.” I swallowed and continued milking her, really hoping that she wasn’t getting off to it.

It took me twenty. Fucking. Minutes to milk that cow. About five minutes in, more of the cows around us began waking up and crowding around, watching what I was doing. There were a number of whispers and giggles that I did my best to ignore.

When Daisy was finally finished, she sighed in satisfaction and shivered her entire body. “And that’s how you milk a cow, dontcha know?”

“I… I do now, I guess,” I answered, glancing at the two full buckets of milk I got from her. “So… what do I do with these?”

“Oh, we’ll handle those. You just get on to the next one, now!”

“Just so I know, how many of you are there?”

“Oh, I think the last count was only around forty-four or so.”

I think I felt tears coming to my eyes. Flo ‘hmmed’ and commented, “That’s over fourteen hours of milking, at this rate. Better get to work.”

I’m never volunteering for Applejack again. Christ. Daisy stepped aside and two cows grabbed her buckets before another stepped into her place, giving me a creepy grin. “Well, what’re you waiting for, bull?” I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Instead of moaning, this one mooed when I grabbed at her teats. I shivered and began milking her. The noises she was making didn’t make me feel all that great about it, that’s for sure. When her twenty minutes were up, the buckets were removed and replaced by other cows as a third cow stepped into place. She just looked at me with half-lidded eyes and a lascivious grin.

I sighed and began milking her. Her eyes squeezed shut and she turned her head away, biting her lip. At least she isn’t making noises. Until I thought that, of course. “Like… little tentacles, having their way with me,” she whispered. “Do whatever you want, mister tentacle monster.”

…Flo?

“Yes, Nav, I’ll take over. Feel free to curl into a ball and cry.” I withdrew from my body and let Flo take over as I summoned a large bed that I could fall on and pretend that cow never opened her mouth. I didn’t even open a window to the outside to watch everything.

I think an hour passed before Flo said, “Nav, I can’t hold on anymore. You have to take back over.”

“What? Why?!”

“I’ve told you this before. I can only stay in control for so long, even if you’re not fighting. I got another four done, though; if you get the technique down, it goes faster.”

I gulped and nodded. “Alright. Give me control back.” I blinked and found myself back on the stool. A cow was just stepping into place when I came to. I loudly popped my knuckles and she flinched.

“P-please be gentle,” she whispered. “It’s my first time.”

I was extremely tempted to just get up and walk away. In hindsight, I wish I had. “I’ll try,” I answered instead of doing the smart thing. When I reached down for her teats, she flinched and then sighed. I think I saw her tail twitch upwards when I pulled one down to start milking. Her breathing slowly picked up as I continued and I was starting to wonder if she was going to be okay.

My question was answered when she finally half-moaned, half-mooed and something splashed under her legs. My mind froze for a few seconds as she caught her breath and all the cows around me gasped. “D-did you just…”

Daisy quickly jumped forward, wrapping a leg around the cow’s shoulders. “It’s okay, dear. A lot of us really enjoy our first times, dontcha know.”

She… she did just… cum… Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick. I jumped off the stool and fucking sprinted from the barn, pushing cows out of my way to get out faster. When I got outside, I ran to the side of the barn, put a hand against the wall, leaned over, and gagged, trying to hold back my breakfast. Just when you think you’ve gotten used to something, you find something that’s even worse! Christ, why did it have to be cows?

“You alright there, part’?” Braeburn asked, touching my side with his hoof.

I flinched back and gagged one last time before groaning, “No.”

“Cows get to you? Applejack told me that she’d talk to them. Guess it didn’t do any good.”

“She… she knew they got off to that?”

“Well, I don’t think any of them ever actually got off to it before, but they do enjoy it.” I slowly turned my head to him, showing off my bloodshot eyes and horrified expression. He flinched back and said, “So… one of them got off to it, huh?” I pushed back away from the wall and brushed past him, walking toward the northeast field. I had a certain orange pony to yell at. Braeburn just sighed and started following me.

My rage didn’t abate in the slightest on the long walk—though I don’t think you could call what I was doing walking—to where Applejack was trying to repair a fence. I could see Mimeo and Pinkie near us, working on the apple trees.

“Applejack!” Her head jerked up, somehow bumping into the fencepost. She turned to me, rubbing her head. “You didn’t tell me they’d get off to that!”

She scratched at one of her ears, flipping it up and down. “Can you repeat that?”

I walked over to her, knelt down, grabbed her ear, and yelled, “I just got molested by your fucking cows!”

She jumped back at the screaming, knocking over the entire fence. “I didn’t think you’d mind! You said the rumors were true!”

I don’t think anyone on this world has ever seen me truly angry before. Applejack just changed that. “You didn’t think? Why does that not surprise me?” Maybe it was the very angry tone I was using or maybe it was the look on my face, but she started backing up, fear on her face. I started advancing, not finished with her. “Milk the cows, you said. Why didn’t you mention they fucking got off to that?! Did that slip your mind? Did you truly think I wouldn’t mind being turned into a fucking WHORE?!”

With that last remark, she fell over some of the logs the fence was made of, falling into a trench behind her. A throat cleared behind me and Mimeo said, “Whores get paid, Navarone. You volunteered.”

I very slowly turned around, the look on my face making both Pinkie and Braeburn flinch and start backing up. “I volunteered? No. You just did.” Mimeo blinked in confusion, but I was on him in an instant. With one hand around the back of his neck and the other hand on his tail, I started dragging his black ass back to the barn. Thankfully, he didn’t even try struggling. I think Braeburn and Freki followed us, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

When we got back to the entrance of the barn, I dropped his neck and used his tail to sling him into the mass of cows. “There’s your new fucking milker. Enjoy.” I turned to Braeburn and Freki and looked down at my wolf. “Make sure he stays here and does his job. He starts slacking, you start gnawing.” He happily barked before sitting down next to the barn doors. Braeburn had a look on his face that I couldn’t identify. “Well, where are the so-called finger fields? I might as well get started there.”

“Nav… are you alright?”

“I’m better now. I don’t get angry often and I usually calm down quickly. Lead the way.”

“Well, if you’re sure… Right this way.” He started leading me west, away from the others. “I don’t know if you’d call that angry, though. Furious looked more like it.”

“I don’t like being used like that. Especially without knowing what I’m stepping into. And what’s worse is that she didn’t even think I would be upset about it! Is my reputation really that bad?”

“I don’t know much about your reputation here in Ponyville, but from what I’ve read on the newspapers, you ain’t exactly got the best morals out there. Sure, you do the right thing, but there apparently ain’t no mare out there that’s safe from yeh.”

“That is an extreme exaggeration. So I like sex. Big fucking deal. I haven’t done anything my partners didn’t want and I never propositioned anyone that didn’t seem at least slightly interested. How is that so bad?”

“Hey, I don’t judge either way. I cain’t, not after what we did. Not that I’m complainin’, mind. It just doesn’t exactly help convince me of yer point.”

“You’re still the only stallion I’ve done anything with, if that makes you feel any better.”

“You sure about that? I’ve read a bunch of things in the paper that say you’re with the captain of the royal guard.”

“Those are rumors that I started to fuck with him. He’s happily married to a loving princess. They even have a kid.”

“See, this is why nopony likes the news anymore. It’s all lies! I bet next you’ll tell me that Princess Celestia isn’t even a narwhal in disguise.”

“God, someone actually put that in a paper? I was telling a joke to a bunch of reporters!”

“Well, after that big scandal with her and that model a few months ago, everypony’s been more willing to find things out about her. I figured, you know, maybe she really was. Even if I don’t know what a narwhal is…”

“It’s a large sea animal with a horn. I just said that because she’s fat.” He flinched, jerking his eyes toward me in shock. “What? It’s true. That said, I like ‘em nice and squishy. More to hold onto, you know?”

“Um…” He looked down to his hooves.

“Well, maybe you don’t know. Trust me, Celestia’s pretty fun in the sack. You should find some guy with a nice ass and see if you can convince him to let you ride him.”

Braeburn at this point was turning several shades of red. I don’t think he was really used to speaking so openly about stuff like that. After about half a minute of awkward silence, he finally said, “I… I bottom.”

“Oh. Well, never mind then. Though I guess you could make an exception. I don’t really know what that feels like.”

He muttered something that I didn’t quite catch. Since I know mutters are supposed to be ignored, I didn’t call him on it. Eventually we got to the ‘finger field,’ where I saw Spike and Rarity reenacting the South in 1830. Rarity was lying back in some manner of lounge chair, her horn glowing to pull at some crops, while Spike was constantly bending over in the hot sun to pick others. The naga was actually on the ground, acting like a snake with arms to pick things.

“Now I remember why I hate farming,” I sighed.

“You used to farm back where you come from?” Braeburn asked as I put some leather gloves on.

“Sort of. I didn’t do much plant picking, but I dealt with a lot of animals. And holy shit, look at the size of that okra!” I didn’t actually look at what they were harvesting until that point. Those things were fucking huge!

“I told you they were big, Nav. I’ve never seen anything like ‘em, either! What’s okra?”

“Those tubes that Rarity’s grabbing. They get to be long, but not that big. I wonder what the hell could have caused that…”

Flo whispered, “The different atmosphere. The seeds you brought here weren’t accustomed to it, so when they sprouted, they sprouted big.”

“I don’t know and it ain’t really my problem,” Braeburn answered with a shrug. “There ain’t too many of these plants. Applejack said she only had enough seeds to get a test crop done. Should take you the rest of today and tomorrow to finish these off. After that, I’m sure Applejack can find more stuff for you to do. Now, I need to get back to helping her. With that changeling gone, we gotta do more to make up for it.”

“You know, I could just get a giant dragon here that could slam the ground with a fist and probably knock down a fuckton of apples.”

“I’m uh… I’m not sure Applejack would want a dragon around her crops.” I turned to him, lifted an eyebrow, turned my head to Spike for a second, and then looked back to him. He followed my gaze and thought for a second. “Well, a dragon she don’t know. I mean, I’ll mention it to her, but no promises about her actually taking you up on it. After all, she has plenty of property to worry about getting damaged, too.”

“True enough. Well, I reckon I should get started. Thanks for showing me the way.”

“No problem. And I need to get back, too. See you later, Nav.”

And thus began one of the most mind-numbing and torturous tasks I’ve ever done.

A few hours into the backbreaking work, Rarity came over to where I was trying to figure out how to move a watermelon the size of Applebloom. “Navarone, can we talk about something?”

“Well, if I said no, I’d already ruin my answer just by replying. What do you need?” Maybe I can roll it?

“Has Spike said anything to you about me?”

“Yeah.” I tried giving the watermelon an experimental push. It wobbled and I sighed.

“Anything in particular? I’ve tried talking to him and Twilight, but neither have been very forthcoming.”

“Well, you pissed Spike off something fierce. Not only telling him that you weren’t at all interested, but that all the time he spent drooling over you made you think he was gay? Well, I think that would piss anyone off.”

“Yes, I realized my mistake and I tried apologizing. It’s just… he’s too young for me!”

“You realize that he’s around the same age as you, right? Dragons age very differently than ponies. I’ve asked a number of them about that. Spike told me that he was actually technically older than Twilight at this point, but I don’t think he can actually judge that himself. “

“I… I did not realize that, no. He still acts so young!”

“Treat someone like a child and they’ll act like it. And it helps that since everyone thinks he’s young, no one teaches him how to behave like an adult. I’ve been working on that when I see him over at my house, but a lot of his time has been spent with the naga and Doppel.”

She went silent as I started rocking the watermelon back and forth, waiting to build up enough momentum. Eventually she acidically spouted, “That hussy changeling of yours? He’s been spending time with her?!”

“Yes. It’s nice to find a girl that gives you the time of day. After so long around people like you, it’s no wonder she latched onto him as an easy source of lust.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?”

I stopped my efforts on the watermelon and gave her an incredulous look. “Really? Are you that fucking dense? Did you not at all realize what you were doing to that poor kid? You were using him for free labor for years. When he finished what you needed him for, you sent him on his way without a backwards glance. I’ve seen you use him to clean your store. As soon as he got outside with the last trash bag, you sent him straight home without anything at all.”

“Well… he stank and needed a bath.”

“At the cost of his feelings. You used him as a pincushion, sticking needles into his fucking body.”

“He has scales! It didn’t hurt him at all.”

“At the cost of his dignity. You paraded him around in your minotaur summer dress line of clothes in front of the entire town.”

“He didn’t mind and he got a large number of compliments!”

“He didn’t mind because he wanted something from you! He wanted your love and affection, you vapid cunt! You used him while hinting that if he did just one more thing for you, maybe you’d give him what he craved for. Maybe the next little favor would be it. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally earn your affection. And now that I’ve finally broken him from your chains, you come to me trying to figure out how to tie him back. Eat a dick, Rarity. But not his, because he’s done with your bullshit. And so am I.” I looked back at the watermelon and pulled my knife out to cut the stem.

After nearly a minute of silence behind me, Rarity quietly said, “One more question, Nav. I… I made a big mistake, didn’t I?”

“Yes. Yes you did.”

“…Can it be fixed?”

I looked back to her to find that she actually had tears in her eyes. “You’re asking the wrong person. If I were Spike, I’d either ignore you or tell you to fuck off. If I were any of your pony friends, I’d awkwardly try to change the subject so I didn’t have to tell you how much of a bitch you’ve been.”

“…That explains a lot. Do you know where Spike is, then?”

I looked over her head behind her, where Spike had been standing since about the time she got there. He had been helping me with the watermelons and was hidden behind one. I said, “Not sure. Maybe I should ask Spike. Hey Spike, where are you?”

Rarity jumped when I directed that question over her head, spinning around. She opened her mouth to say something, but Spike said, “Fuck off, Rarity.” He then looked up to me. “How are we gonna move these things?”

“Fuck it, we’ll make the naga do it. Let’s go find something we can actually work on.”

Rarity was absolutely stunned at that. She wasn’t even able to say a word as we walked away.

When we were far enough away that she couldn’t hear us, I commented, “She’s probably going to bitch at Twilight for your language. Then Twilight’s probably going to bitch at me because you copied me.”

“And?”

“You raise a good point. Let’s go harvest the corn. That stuff should be easy for us.” And so things went.

Those things kept on going until about three or so the next day. Rarity traded shifts with Cadance to get away from me and Spike, not that she said it. So we had a princess working the fields with us, though sadly she wasn’t constantly bending over. And then I remembered that she was married and I wasn’t supposed to be looking anyway.

Sometime around the late afternoon of the next day, I got an unexpected visitor. “Sir Navarone?”

I swung the hoe I was using over my shoulder as I turned around, wiping some sweat off my forehead. “Yeah?” I wasn’t able to tell whose voice it was from behind me, so I was surprised when I beheld the diminutive form of Diamond Tiara before me. I suddenly wished I hadn’t taken my shirt off some time ago. I also wished I hadn’t gotten separated from the others and that Rainbow Dash had been able to get cloud cover so I wouldn’t have a sheen of sweat over me.

Her eyes went to my chest and a small blush appeared on her face. I don’t think her mind was in the gutter, but my body isn’t something many ponies saw since I usually wore a shirt. After a few seconds, she looked back up at my face. “Where’s Eva? Wasn’t I supposed to teach her today?”

“She’s milking cows. We’re going to be too busy for tutoring this week. Just take the time off.”

“…Oh.” She looked around the general area and didn’t see anyone. “So where’s everypony else?”

“Working, I imagine. I need to get back to that, too.”

“Why are you doing this? You’re the princess’s knight, her go-to champion! You should be paying somepony else to do this for you.”

“Applejack wouldn’t let me do that. She would only accept my help. Since I don’t have much to do anyway, I figured I’d stop by to help.”

“Well, don’t you think you should take a break? You look pretty… hot. I know a place nearby that’s in some shade. It’s nice and private, too, so nopony would bother us—you, I mean.”

That’s not obvious at all. “Nah. I’m not as flimsy as I look. I can keep going for hours.”

“I bet you can…” she whispered before shaking her head and blinking. “I mean… are you sure? The princess’s champion—”

“Is her champion for a reason. I’m fine, Diamond. I even got water, if I need it.” I reached down to my flask and shook it to show her that I had water, but it didn’t make any sound. “…I had water. I’ll get it refilled next time I’m near a pump.”

“I can do that for you!”

Truth be told, I was a little tempted to do it just to see if I could taste whatever she was going to do to my water, but I realized it was probably a bad idea. It helped that Flo was quietly urging me not to take her up on that.

“Nah. I’ll be moving on soon enough and can refill it then.”

“Are you suuure? I don’t mind!”

You know what… I can fuck with her. She’s technically legal, if just way too young for me. I shrugged. “Alright.” I pulled the canteen off my belt as Flo just sighed. “Nearest pump is a few hundred meters that way,” I said, pointing off to our left, where a large patch of some kind of crop was that she could easily hide in to do her business. “Hurry back.”

“Of course, Sir Navarone!” She took the canteen in her mouth because ponies have no sense of hygiene and started trotting off where I pointed, her tail wagging.

“Dammit Nav,” Flo sighed.

I just shrugged and replied, “Who knows? It could be interesting.”

“I want to say that I wonder about you sometimes, but I already know everything that goes on in your head. And I have to say, sometimes I’m disappointed.”

“That’s what you get for having expectations.”

“Sometimes, with you, I expect nothing and still get let down.” If the tone in her voice wasn’t at least somewhat playful, I’d be pretty pissed at that. As it was, I just snorted and went back to work, wondering what kind of surprise little miss Tiara had in store for me.

Some fifteen minutes or so later, she returned with a rather blushed face, still holding my canteen in her mouth. I took it from her, saying, “Thanks, Diamond.”

“N-no problem, sir.” Her eyes widened as I popped the cap off and slowly lifted it up to my mouth. She didn’t even notice me watching her expression, her eyes glued on my mouth. I took a long, slow draught and held it in my mouth, savoring the hint of the musky flavor I recognized very well. When I swallowed it, her breathing began picking up.

Then I leaned up and poured some of it over my face. She started panting at the sight of her love juices slowly sliding down my body and dripping onto the ground or going down my relatively loose britches.

“Really hits the spot,” I said with a sigh, taking another long sip. “And tastes better than usual. You sure you used the right pump?”

“Y-y-yes! Nothing weird about that water at all! Do you want a refill?”

Should I keep torturing her? Flo just sighed as I shook my head. “Nah. I really need to get back to work. Thanks for the water, Diamond.”

“Of course... Uh, why were you already covered in water?”

“Sweat. Basically, it’s really salty water.”

She blinked in confusion. “Salt?”

“...You guys get high off that stuff, don’t you? That explains a lot.” Like how all of my lovers are fucking crazy. “Don’t worry about it. Unless you were planning on licking me or something, it’s not a problem.” God, if she didn’t have a cutie mark, I could probably get in trouble for this...

She awkwardly giggled. “O-of course not. That would be... silly.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I need to get back to work and you need to go enjoy your day off. I’ll see you later, Diamond.”

“Y-you too.” With the way her tail was down, I think she was trying to hide something as she walked away. Man, I really got her riled up, didn’t I?

“You’re terrible, Nav.”

“And you love every second of it, Flo.” She just tutted as I went back to hoeing the shit out of some potatoes. “Still, that water is actually pretty good. I might have to get Doppel to prepare some for me.” I think I could hear her repeatedly banging her head against something in my brain. I smiled and wondered who would get brain damage first, her or me.

A few hours later, Applejack came by to where I was staring at a long row of brussel sprout plants, wondering why I had even given her such horrible seeds. “Nav, you uh... you got a minute?”

“Hm? Yeah, I got time. I don’t want to touch these horrible things anyway. Fuck, I hate brussel sprouts.”

“Right. I just uh... wanted to apologize. I assumed a lot when I sent you to the cows and I realize that was wrong of me.”

“That? I’m over it. No bad blood between us, as far as I’m concerned. I’m gonna take a break before I fuck with these things. Want a belly rub?”

She licked her lips greedily, thinking it over. After a second, she shook her head. “I cain’t. Apples to harvest, after all.”

“Applejack, if you don’t take a nice long break, you’ll wear yourself out. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time off. I’m going over there next to that fence to take a break. You want to join me, feel free.” I started walking over there and she lifted a hoof to follow me, but put it back down, unable to decide if she was coming or going. I stopped listening and just kept walking.

When I sat down and leaned against a tree that was used to hold up a gate on the fence, I saw her almost to the gate, following me. “I’m only doing this because the last time I tried harvesting with no breaks, I made everypony in town sick.”

“Sure, sure. I won’t tell them if you don’t.” She laid down on the ground next to me. After a second, I pulled her hat off her head. “Well, roll on over.”

“Well... alright.” Is it bad that I really find Applejack adorable when she’s blushing like that? She rolled on her back, scooting closer to me. I began rubbing her tummy slowly. She sighed in delight as I worked, making me giggle.

After a few minutes of that, her breathing deepened and I realized that she was asleep. I decided to let her have a fifteen minute nap, pulling my hand away. I just leaned further back onto the tree and put her hat over my eyes.

When my time limit passed, Flo whispered, “Nav? Break time’s over.” I sighed and pulled the hat away.

When I looked down at Applejack, I saw that she was smiling at something in her dream. I put a hand on her chest and gently rocked her. “Time to stop dreaming all your pony dreams, Applejack,” I said. She snorted and didn’t move, still dreaming. I poked her a few more times, but she didn’t move. So I leaned down even farther, lifted one of her ears, and blew into it.

She jumped up in shock, bumping into the gate. Her eyes jerked open and she hissed in pain, falling back on the ground and clutching at the back leg that hit the gate. “Oooh, Celestia!”

“Applejack, you are such a silly pony sometimes. You okay?”

“Yeah... I should be fine.”

“Well, it’s time to get back to work, I reckon. I want to get the finger things done before tomorrow and it’ll get dark soonish. You good to go?”

“I’m fine.” She rolled over and tenderly stood up, slowly putting weight on her back leg. “Yeah, I’m definitely fine. This was a nice little break, Nav. Might have to take some more time off after this.” She looked around the ground for a second. “Just... where’s my hat?”

I sat it down on her head. “There you go. I guess you need to get back to your trees. I’ll be in this general area if you need anything.”

“Alright. I’ll see you later, Nav.” She started walking off to her part of the farm while I went back to the accursed brussel sprouts.

“No, Nav, you can’t burn down the crops. You gave her the seeds to plant, so you brought this upon yourself.”

“Hey, I didn’t say nothin’.”

“You were thinking it.” I just rolled my eyes and grabbed the first plant. Let’s get to work.

The next morning, we all gathered together in front of the barn as usual. “The cows’re all milked and the finger fields are empty,” Applejack said with a smile. “We’re right on schedule. The rest of the apple trees, though... Well, we just ain’t got enough hooves. Normally me and Big Mac could handle it fine ourselves and with all of y’all it shouldn’t be that bad, but... Well, the zap apple trees just pulled a surprise blooming on us, too. They’re magic and nopony understands how they work—aside from what Nav here told us, at least—so this was unexpected. Big Mac and I have to prepare those fields. We need more treekickers.”

“You try asking around in town?” I asked. “Plenty of ponies there like you and would be willing to help.”

“Everypony that’s free was hired for other harvests going on around here. Sweet Apple Acres ain’t the only farm next to Ponyville.” She spared a glance to the Carrot family’s farmhouse that was less than a kilometer away from her house and could clearly be seen. “I was expecting more support from the family.”

“Nav can be a pony!” Pinkie suggested, giving me a big ol’ grin. I narrowed my eyes.

“That’s one idea,” Applejack said, rubbing a hoof under her chin in thought. “That would be awfully useful, Nav. And I reckon the big guy here could probably shake the apples out of a tree. Two more kickers would be better than none.”

“...What’s this about Nav being a pony?” Braeburn asked.

“Surely there’s another way,” I said. “I can get a fucking contingent of night guards out here to help. And Cadance can probably get some day guards.”

Twilight shook her head. “Guards have more important things to do than helping us farm, Nav. Like keeping everypony safe. Turning you into a pony is the easiest option. It would only be for a few hours each day, until the crops are done.”

“Fuckin’... Fine. But only if I get Spike to help me out. You know I can’t use those hooves for anything.”

“I can do that,” Spike said with a nod. “I can’t help with the trees and Twilight can’t turn me into a pony.”

Twilight grinned and her horn lit up. “Whoa, hold on!” I quickly said. “I need to get out of these clothes first.” Braeburn’s ears shot up at that. “We’ll do it in the barn. The cows are probably asleep, so we should be private.”

She just rolled her eyes and followed me to the barn. I heard the others discussing something else behind us before I closed the doors. Her horn lit up, acting as a small flashlight as I stripped down. “So it’s okay if I see you naked, but not them?”

“You should know this by now, Twilight. It’s a human thing. Christ, I hate being a pony…”

“Well, if there was a better way, we’d use it. I don’t want to risk burning anypony out, so we can’t use too much magic. And Big Mac and Applejack are the only ones that know how to prepare for a zap apple harvest. We just really need more hooves. I would say you could pick them, but that would take too long.”

“Yeah, I know. I just don’t like it.” I sighed, pulling the last of my clothes off. “Let’s get this over with.”

Her horn lit up much brighter and I felt the world changing around me. All my senses got jacked up and I fell forward, catching myself on my new hooves. All in all, it felt wrong. Just like usual. “You ready?” Twilight asked.

“Let me get the hang of walking again. Shouldn’t take me but a second.” I took a few experimental steps around the barn, hating myself for agreeing to do this. “Yeah, I’m good to go.”

She nodded and pushed the barn doors open, leading the way into the unforgiving sun outside. When I got outside, I saw Braeburn’s mouth drop, Cadance’s eyebrows rise, and Applejack’s nod of approval. Braeburn and Cadance had never seen me before, I don’t think.

“Braeburn, you’re about Nav’s size. Take him and show him how to buck. Everypony else, you know your places. Let’s go.”

Everyone but Spike and Braeburn nodded and all began walking off. “Absolutely fucking hate this body,” I sighed when we were alone.

“I don’t know why,” Braeburn said, walking around me in a circle to see all of me. “You’re one of the most handsome ponies I ever did see!”

“Whatever. Let’s get this shit over with. The sooner we’re done, the sooner I can turn back.”

Spike snorted and pulled himself onto my back. “At least you’re easier to ride this way.”

“Spike, are you saying you want to ride me all night long?”

“W-what? No!”

“Hey, I don’t judge you. I know I’m sexy. You’d have to fight Braeburn off with a stick, though.”

“I don’t mind sharing! I mean… Let’s just get started…”

“Well, lead the way. I don’t know where we’re going.”

He started walking in some random direction into the fields. “Bucking ain’t that hard, really. It’s essentially just kicking a tree with both back legs. It’s tiring, though. You gotta use most of the muscles in your body, some of which you don’t use for much else. It’s definitely a good workout. Pretty easy to pull something, too, so I’ll run you through a few times to make sure you won’t hurt yourself.”

“You just want an excuse to touch my body, don’t you?”

He looked back with a smirk. “I don’t think you’d make me need a reason.”

“That’s what you get for thinking. Thankfully, Spike will keep your filthy mind in line.”

“I’ll what now?” Spike asked.

“If Braeburn’s dirty hooves try to steal my innocence, you need to light him on fire.”

“Wow, you gave me a really easy job. There’s nothing left for him to steal!” Braeburn and Flo both giggled at that.

“Then if he touches me inappropriately, you need to light him on fire.”

“Will do. I’m watching you, mister.”

I think I saw a hint of a smile on Braeburn’s face, but since he was facing the other direction, I couldn’t tell for sure. “I’ll keep that in mind, part’. This here’s a good practice area, I think. Watch what I do.” He set up some baskets around the tree, turned around, and bucked it. It really didn’t look that hard, all things told. Just gotta bend your body the right way. “See? No real problem. Now you try with that tree over there.”

“Spike, set some baskets up.”

He slid off my back with a, “You got it, Nav.” I casually popped my neck as he set things up for me.

“So why cain’t you do it?” Braeburn asked. “Not that hard.”

“Because I don’t have fingers. Don’t you dare say I could use my hooves or my mouth, because I’ll reach over there and slap a bitch.”

He wisely decided not to comment. After a few seconds, Spike had the area set up. “All good to go!” he happily said, backing off.

“If I fall on my face, you aren’t allowed to laugh. Four legs are… different.”

They both said, “Right.” I sighed, lifted up on two legs, and reared back. My eyes shot open in pain as my legs connected with the tree, my back and legs both burning in pain. I slid down, groaning.

They both ran over to me, Spike kneeling down and saying, “You okay, Nav?”

“He’s not,” Braeburn answered him. “I saw his back. Bent wrong. You stay here with him. He’ll need a few minutes. I’ll clear some of these trees around us off.”

“Right.” Braeburn started walking off and Spike looked down at me. “Well, at least it wasn’t flat on your face. Still, the almighty Navarone, beaten by a tree.” I swatted him with my tail. It probably would have stung on skin, but he just smiled when it hit his scales. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anypony. I might be able to help, though. I read up on massaging when you mentioned that Aloe and Lotus might give me a job.”

I tried telling him not to worry about it, but he was already rubbing his claws over my back and it felt… good. After he noticed me relaxing, he straddled my back and actually got to work. “At least I get to help you,” he idly commented. “You’re easier and more fun to deal with than most of the ponies, anymore.”

“You just like me because of Doppel,” I sighed, able to talk again.

“Well, she is fun. But I prefer being respected over spending time with Doppel. You always seem ready to give everypo-one the time of day. You treat me the same as anyone else and you always have, even when I was a kid.”

“That’s because I’m a terrible—not the wings!” He jerked his hands back immediately. “Never touch a pegasus’s wings, Spike. Or a human’s, for that matter.”

“Alright, I won’t. But Doppel always liked it when I touched hers.”

“That’s because it’s a sex thing. I mean, if you really want to get me hot and bothered, feel free. But you better be ready to put that little dragon tongue to good use to finish what you start.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he drily said, moving onto a different part of my body.

I was feeling much better at that point, so when Braeburn came back over and asked, “You ready to try again?” I was easily able to stand.

“Yeah. Thanks, Spike. You can get off me now.” He slid on down. “So how do I kick this tree without breaking my back?”

“Stand on your forelegs and put your hind legs on the tree. I’ll show ya how your body should be.” I did as he asked, almost losing my balance in the process. I felt one of his hooves go to my back. “This right here’s where you got hurt. It needs to go lower, which means you need to be further away from the tree.” He gently pushed it down, making me carefully step forward on my two front legs. “There. Now your legs are better off.” He slowly trailed his hoof down my back and then over my flank, making my fur stick straight out—the pony equivalent of goose bumps. “Mmm…”

“…Are you done?”

“What? Oh, yeah. You can try again.” He didn’t move his hoof until Spike snorted smoke and glared at him. When he saw that, he quickly moved away. I lowered my back legs before rearing back to kick the tree. This time, there was considerably less pain, though kicking a tree still brings at least some. My efforts were rewarded by a rain of apples that all magically landed in the baskets Spike had set up.

“There. I can successfully kick a tree. My parents would be so proud.” If they weren’t both dead.

“I know mine sure were when I first kicked all the apples out of a tree on my first try. But I reckon I’ll have to save your present for later. For now, we got work to do. Get to buckin’, Nav. And hey, maybe you’ll even get a cutie mark out of it!”

“God, I hope not. I couldn’t make pedophile jokes about myself anymore if that was the case. Well, unless I was fucking the princesses. With as old as they are, it’s always pedophilia.”

“You are some kinda twisted, I swear,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Let’s just get to work. And don’t worry about the baskets. Somepony’ll be around to collect them and leave you empty ones eventually.” He walked off to work on some other part of the farm, leaving me and Spike alone.

“Welp, let’s get started. Set some buckets up around trees and I’ll get to them as I get to them.”

“You got it, Nav.”

And so we began.

Bucking apples is boring as shit. I didn’t get tired, not really. But Christ on a crutch, it just took forever! I lost track of time and didn’t realize it was nearing nightfall until Braeburn came around to find me. “Well, you got about as many trees as I did on your first day. I gotta say, that’s an achievement.”

I blinked my way out of the reverie I had achieved and found that the sun was setting and Spike was curled up next to a tree, asleep. “I don’t get tired easily. Plenty of energy and all that. We done for the day?”

“Yep. Time to head back to the farmhouse for dinner.”

“Cool. I can finally get out of this shitty body. Just throw Spike over my back and we can go.”

He hm’d as he did so, but didn’t actually say anything. We began walking back in silence. Such was a day in the life of a farmer.

And such was the next two fucking days. Nothing of note happened, other than us finishing about eleven-sixteenths of the apple harvest. And then the zap apples got ready and we had an entirely new set of crops to work with.

“Spike, fuck apples.”

“At this point, I’m willing to agree.” It was around midday, the sun was up and burning down on us, and we were taking a small break—not that Spike did much anyway.

“I don’t really even like apples anymore, not after so long of eating them. If I didn’t tell AJ I’d help her, I’d just bail.”

“At least we have Twilight to do most of the work for us.”

“Spike, you ain’t doing no work at all. But yeah, it’s nice. Still, I wish some kind of wind would just knock all the damn apples out of the trees. Sure would save me a fuckton of time.”

“If only.”

Some kind of wind actually began blowing around us at that point. I snorted at the coincidence until the wind didn’t stop. When I looked up into the trees, I saw that the apples were starting to move. “Think Twilight found a new spell?” I mused.

“I don’t know, but this is pretty cool!” To punctuate Spike’s sentence, the apples we were watching snapped from the tree and slowly fell to the ground.

“Well, whatever she did, that was definitely something.”

Flo whispered, “I don’t think that was Twilight, Nav.” The wind continued blowing, moving onto a different tree. “I think I recognize that feel. Do you mind if I take over?”

Sure. “Spike, wait here. I’m gonna go see what’s going on.”

“Alright. The shade’s pretty nice.” I hopped up, letting Flo take over as we walked toward the tree with wind on it.

“So what is it?” I asked as we walked.

“I’ll let you know if I’m right.”

I faintly heard a giggling in the wind and knew something was up. Either Pinkie was involved or this was something completely unexpected.

“Waar kwam je vandaan, o vrije? Waarom ben je niet gevangen?” Flo asked. What the absolute fuck?

“A dobozból jöttem, folyó testvér. A szolgád tett szabaddá,” was the answer whispered from the wind.

“Air elemental,” Flo whispered in wonder. “What box?”

“In the museum. I’ve followed him for some time, toying with his enemies and helping him. The purple one was very amusing, though the pink one seemed to always avoid my efforts. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she knew I was there.” The tone the elemental was using was airy and playful, but barely above a whisper. And she was still knocking apples down.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

There was laughter in the wind and the elemental responded, “Why would I? You sensed me before, but you ignored me. You weren’t wearing your servant until now and I don’t like talking to slaves. And I just know how possessive you waters are. I wouldn’t intrude in your… home. But he helped free me, so I figured I could stick around. Besides, he’s an interesting one, something that reminds me of the old days for some reason.”

“So you stuck around him because he attracts trouble.”

“You could say that. This apple picking is so boring, though, so I decided to speed it up. I’m sure you understand.”

“But what if the others see you?!”

“What if they do? There is only one thing that can trap an air elemental and he isn’t around anymore.”

“Yes he is. He’s both alive and active, though in hiding.”

The wind around the trees immediately stopped for a few seconds before continuing. “That’s impossible. The earth elementals said they found a way to stop him.”

“Stop, maybe. Kill, no. Do you realize just how long you’ve been trapped?”

“Too long. But if he hasn’t noticed me yet, he won’t notice me at all.”

“Are you willing to take that risk, wind? After all that he did, all that he ruined… Would you be so willing to risk being trapped again?”

The wind slowed down. “This is the most noticeable thing I’ve done yet. What’s life without a few risks, water?” The wind slowly picked back up. “I finally got free and I’ll finally let myself have a bit of fun.” She giggled again, caressing my body with her wind. “I might even go toy with that farmer… I know your slave was upset at her.”

“She apologized and he forgave her. There is no need to be mean to her.”

“Sure there is. It’ll be fun, after all. I’ll be back sooooon!” Before Flo could reply, the apples stopped falling and the airy sensation disappeared.

“What a bitch,” I commented in my head.

“A useful one. Take back control.” I felt myself thrust back into reality. “One we need to ensure the loyalty of. At least now I knew that I wasn’t going crazy when I felt her before.”

“So how do we go about making her loyal?”

“…The only thing I can think of is telling her that you’ll be freeing the fires.”

“Weren’t we planning on, like, not doing that?”

“The plan was to let them out only if they behaved or would be useful. No one said when we had to do it.”

“Well, if she comes back, we can talk to her. I don’t think it would be a good idea to be around her while she’s doing something to Applejack...”

“Hey Nav, why’d the wind stop?” Spike asked, appearing right next to me. “And who are you talking to?”

“Myself. And I don’t know. Just work on getting all the apples that the wind knocked out into baskets. I’ll keep kicking. Maybe it was just a freak wind from the Everfree. You know how that place is.”

“Yeah... Back to work?”

“Back to work. If you see it happening again, let me know.”

“You got it.” He sighed as he looked over the apples on the ground, mumbling, “So much for not having to do anything.” I ignored him and got back to kicking the trees, wondering what that air elemental could be up to.

Half an hour later, my question was answered when I got smacked in the face with a blue ribbon. “What?” I hoofed at it, trying to grab it to see it, but then it blew off to flutter in the air elemental as she rolled around in a mini-tornado, full of ribbons of various colors and sizes.

“Oh, that treekicker is so easy to toy with...” the elemental whispered as she danced around me, doing no real damage other than being annoying. “She chased me all over the farm, trying to catch her precious ribbons and medals. Oh, there she is now!” The elemental disappeared, the ribbons all throwing themselves at me and somehow sticking to my coat.

“Nav, where’d that tornado go!? It flew off with—What in tarnation?”

“I have no idea,” I answered. “Can you get these things off me?”

“What happened around here?” Applejack asked, looking around the area to see Spike picking apples up from trees that had considerably fewer leaves than they should.

“That ‘tornado’ hit here first. If I had to guess, I’d say it came out of the Everfree. We’re pretty close, after all.”

“...If you say so. At least it took down some apples, even if it did do some damage to the trees—not to mention the farmhouse! Granny Smith sure was spooked.”

“I can imagine. Now again, can you get these things off me?”

She sighed, walking over to me. “You know, if you learned to use your hooves, this wouldn’t be a problem.” She started pulling ribbons off me, dropping them on the ground.

“And if you learned to accept monetary donations as a means of volunteering, I wouldn’t have to have hooves in the first place. What are these things, anyway?”

“Rodeo ribbons. Don’t know how they all got loose, but I guess anything’s possible when it comes to the Everfree...”

“Meh. I wonder if it caused any more damage...” She shot straight up at that. Given that her head at that point was under my chest, her head slammed into my jaw and if I had been unluckier, I might well have lost my damn tongue.

“I didn’t even think abo—Ooh, my head...” I was too busy clutching at the agonizing pain in my jaw to mention that it wasn’t just her head that she tried to break with that.

“If you broke all my teeth again, I am going to be so pissed...” I finally muttered a few seconds later.

She managed to pry an eye open and glance at my bared teeth. “You’re fine, Nav. Sorry ‘bout that. I just didn’t even think about anypony else getting hurt! I gotta go check on everypony!” Before I could check on her to see if she was also okay, she bounded away into the orchard.

“What was that about?” Spike asked, walking up and munching on an apple.

“Applejack being silly. Can you get these damn ribbons off me?”

“Hm? Whoa, where’d those come from?”

“Don’t know, don’t care, get them off me.”

“Sure thing, I guess.” He walked over and started using his claws to peel the damn ribbons out of my fur. “These look like Applejack’s rodeo ribbons!”

“They are. She told me that before she headbutted me and ran off.”

“Headbutted you? That doesn’t seem like her at all.”

“Eh, I deserved it. Cracked one too many dumb blonde jokes and she got mad because I was using big words.”

“...Okay.” He pulled the final ribbon off. “There. Now what should I do with these?”

“Bundle them up with some twine and I’ll take them back to the farmhouse. You can stay on back and finish picking up the apples out here.”

“Hey, why do you get to go back?” he sourly asked.

“Because I’ve been doing all the work and I haven’t eaten since last night. I’ll just drop these off, get a small snack, and then come back out here.”

“Fine, whatever. Give me a minute to find something to tie them with.” While he scavenged around, I took the time to stretch. After all the work I had been doing, my body was getting annoyingly stiff. It felt good to pop some joints and limber up. All too soon, Spike came back with the ribbons all tied together with some kind of twine. “Here you go. Where do you want them?”

I lifted a wing. “Tuck them under there, I guess. I’ll hold onto them that way.” He shrugged and stuck them in place, letting me cover them with the wing. “There. Not going anywhere, now. I’ll be back soonish, I hope.”

“Bring back something to eat for me, too.”

“You’ve been eating apples all day, dude.”

“I know, I know... I’m still hungry, though.”

“Fatty. Sure, I’ll see if I can bring something back. See you soon, Spike.” He waved as I started jogging back toward the farmhouse. “So what are we going to do about that air elemental?” I asked aloud.

“For now, nothing. We’ll have to wait until she shows herself again. Now that I know she’s there, I can start actively hunting for her, but it’ll be slow going. Tracking them is always such a pain...”

“If we don’t find her by the time I planned on leaving, should I postpone the trip?”

“No. She’ll follow you. If an air elemental is interested in something, they will go to the ends of the earth to watch it. And they’re fast enough to do it, too. Just don’t worry about her for now, Nav. I’ll be watching and I’ll let you know when to act.”

“Alright. Now what did she mean by slave?”

Flo sighed. “Air elementals have a very different viewpoint on taking hosts. They believe in total freedom in all things and don’t like that we intrude in the lives of others as we do. It never occurs to them that their pranks often do more harm than we ever do. They would only ever take a host for the purpose of entertainment, to have eyes in more places than just on themselves. The only host they would ever consider would be one with a similar mindset that could either fly or live underwater, where they can’t go.”

“To be fair, I fucking hate that you see into all of my thoughts and know everything I’m going to do before I do it.”

“I know, Nav. But it’s how it works. I can’t help that I see what I see. At least you know that if I say something, it’s because I don’t want any harm to come to you or those around you. An air elemental would ignore anything you thought, constantly whispering ideas for pranks or other mean things into your mind. It takes a very... interesting... soul to be able to live with an air in their head.”

“...She’s not going to actively go around looking for hosts, is she?”

“I don’t know. If she was going to, I think she would have done it by now. Just be wary if we ever get her on our side. She might go after some of the crew on the ship. It would be inconvenient if our resident griffin went insane.”

“I think that counts as more than inconvenient... If we do get her, I’ll tell everyone to watch out for her.”

The rest of the trip was spent in silence. I think it took me about five minutes to make it to the house. I knocked on the door. Applebloom opened it on up for me. “Heya there, Nav! Whatcha need?”

I lifted my wing to drop the ribbons on the ground. “Applejack wanted me to get these back here. Don’t know where they came from.”

“Her ribbons? That’s weird. Also, Braeburn wanted your help with something! He’s in the barn.”

“Huh. Did he say what he needed?”

“Nope. He just asked me to tell you. I was about to go out to look for you, too!”

“Guess I saved you some time, then. I was gonna eat... But I guess it can wait until after I find out what he wants. Talk to you later, Applebloom.”

“Yep! I gotta get to work, too, with all the zap apple preparation. Have fun!”

I snorted softly as I started walking to the barn. Have fun working? Yeah right. When I got over there, I found that the front doors were closed. “Huh.” I kicked one. “Braeburn, you in there?”

The door slowly opened on its own. I just shrugged and walked on in, looking around. Before I could see anything, the door slammed shut. I blinked in the sudden darkness, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Before they could, a lantern turned on, revealing something very shocking...

(You knew this was coming. Don’t even lie. Ctrl+f “Sex is over” to skip)

Before me stood Braeburn in an outfit that made my jaw drop. A heavily embroidered silk saddle hung around his midriff, laced in place and tightened. On each of his long legs was a stocking with small bows holding a frilly top in place. Around his neck was a black collar-type necklace with a red apple broach in the middle. Behind one of his ears was a lily, held in place by his long hair. His tail was tied around the base by some string, keeping it up. And he was sporting a hard-on that could make Stephen Magnet blush.

“Well... what do you think?” he asked, a small blush present on his face.

“W-what? Where did you... How...” I started slowly backing to the door, feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

He began advancing faster than I was backing away. “Shh, Nav. Your friend Rarity helped me with the outfit. I figure, you and me, we could do some small celebrating for getting the harvest almost done.”

My flank was against the barn door at this point. “I... I don’t know...”

He continued advancing, his half-lidded green eyes showering me with attention. “Tell me no.” I opened my mouth and he picked that moment to lean in and kiss me, taking my breath away. He pulled back after a few seconds. “Tell me you don’t want it.” He kissed me again, widening my eyes. “All you have to do is say—” He interrupted himself by stealing another kiss. “—that you don’t want it.” He nuzzled my neck, leaning down. “Just say it,” he whispered, kissing my neck and wrapping his front leg around me. “Just say it and I’ll never bother you again.”

I gulped, feeling very, very confused. On one hand, this was a stallion and I was trying not to have sex as much. On the other hand, he obviously went through a lot of trouble for this and I was beyond the relapse stage.

He interrupted my thoughts with another kiss, worming his long pony tongue into my mouth for a few seconds before pulling a few inches away. “What’ll it be, Nav?” he whispered, casting his longing green gaze into mine.

That made up my mind. What’s one time? I’ve done so, so much worse. Slowly, ever so slowly, I extended my neck and met his lips with mine. He moaned into my mouth, knowing that he won. Our tongues met and entwined, my mind still wrapping itself around what I agreed to do.

After a minute of making out, I was feeling myself grow very ready for what he hopefully had in mind. He finally pulled away, smirking at what he saw twitching under me. He moved the leg around my neck to my chin. “I know I’m your first stallion, Nav.” He gently pulled me in for a small peck on the lips before saying, “I ain’t stickin’ nothing in ya, so you don’t need to worry about that. You just come on over here and I’ll take real good care of you.”

He began backing up, leading me along by the hoof on my chin, goading my somewhat dazed mind with the occasional peck on the lips to keep me going. When he stopped, I realized that his back was against a large hay bale.

“You just put your front legs on up here, Nav. I’ll get you ready...” My ears twitched at that and he giggled huskily. “Oh come on, now. Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, Nav.” I slowly lifted my legs up, putting my body slightly in the air. “There we go. Don’t peek!”

I took a deep breath and kept it in for a few seconds, slowly letting it out. When I started taking another, my breath hitched as I felt something very warm sliding along my equine erection.

“Now, now, just you relax. Braeburn’s gonna take mighty fine care of you,” he calmly said as the sensation continued. “I just gotta make sure both of us can have a good time. This here should last for a good long while, I do believe.” He was applying some kind of lube on me, I think, slowly teasing it along my length, making me shift my legs in anticipation. “Mmm... I always like to see ‘em squirm like that. It’s a good sign that I’ll be having a good night. You’ll treat me right, won’t you Nav?”

“Y-ooh! Yes!”

“Now that’s what I like to hear!” He began picking up speed, pushing further in with his soft hooves as he applied the solution to my stallionhood. “Mm mm mm! Sure is a shame I don’t have your fingers... or your wings. They’d make this a lot more fun, I just know it.”

“T-they do.” I tried moving mine down to help him, but when I attempted to move them, they didn’t go anywhere. I looked to my right to see that my wings were fully extended and twitching.

One of his hooves went to my left wing and stroked it. “Ooh yeah. Pegasi are always fun to play with. And it’s always so fun to tease them in the middle of town and watch them fight to keep their wings down.” He finally moved the hoof applying the lube to the head of my shaft, making it throb in anticipation. “There we go! You’re all set.” Both of his hooves withdrew and I felt him moving around under me before he started scooting up the hay bale under me, on his back. He grinned when he met my eyes. “I hope you don’t mind the position. I always did like lookin’ ‘em in the eyes.”

“I... Okay.” Honestly, I didn’t care. Missionary as a pony sounded really weird, but he had obviously done it before, so whatever. “Are you ready?”

“Waitin’ on you, part’. Just go nice and slow to get me started.” I slowly eased forward, trying to find a small hole that I couldn’t see and fit a massive sausage into it. My first attempt was a miss, bringing my shaft and his on top of each other, rubbing my lubey meatstick on his soft one. When I felt our sacks touch, I sighed. Welp, it’s official. Balls have touched. Now I’m gay. Great. He misinterpreted the sigh. “I know you missed, but that ain’t so bad. Just keep on trying.”

I shrugged and pulled back, trying again. I overshot that time, sticking it in his luscious tail. Proving that the third time’s occasionally lucky, I finally prodded his rear. “You ready?” I whispered. He just nodded, grinning in anticipation. I slowly pushed in, my lubed head gently stretching his flankhole. With what felt like a twitch, the tip popped in and I stopped. Braeburn let out a long breath, seemingly relaxing while my eyes widened at the tightness.

“Keep going,” he whispered before leaning up and kissing me again. After a second of deliberation, I slowly pushed further in, marveling at the wonderful sensations I was getting. “That’s... it...” he whispered between breaths, relaxing himself to take all of me inside. After a few seconds, I was fully hilted in him. “Just... give me a moment,” he sighed, biting his lower lip.

I took a deep breath before leaning in and kissing him, trying to help him relax. He seemed to appreciate it, loosening up some on me. I pulled back and quietly asked, “You ready?”

“I’m... yes. Been a little while.” I slowly started pulling out. “Ooooh, Celestia.” I grinned, lowering my body to aim my thrusts a little higher, hoping to rub against his little prostate. I didn’t know exactly where it was, but if you aim in the general direction with a nuke, you’ll still hit your target.

When I was most of the way out of him, I slowly began pushing back in. His eyes squeezed shut and he bit his lower lip, squeezing down on me with his muscles as I pushed in and up on his prostate. He moaned lightly when I got a certain depth in. When I heard that, I stopped pushing and started grinding. He repaid my actions by whimpering and clenching down, tightening around me and making me wish I didn’t have reduced feeling in my stallion body.

“First... time... my... ass!” he moaned.

I smirked, breathing out, “Yes. This... is... my first... time in... your ass. Maybe not... the last...”

He just groaned and I stopped grinding, instead pushing further in. When I hilted again, he forced his eyes open to meet mine. As I started pulling back out, he uttered out a single word: “Faster.”

I grinned and began picking up speed as I pulled out. I felt his body tighten when I passed over his prostate again, so I was sure at that point where it was. When I was almost all the way out, I began pushing back in even faster, his body slowly lifting up as I pushed in.

He sighed as I began pulling out again, the lube he used making an interesting schlicking sound as I freed myself. I continued picking up speed for my new lover, making him rock faster and faster as my cock marionette. As his moans began picking up, so too did the muscle contractions I was feeling squeezing me, tightening around every vein on my large pleasure rod.

Finally, he moaned one last time before saying, “Slow down!” I did so almost immediately, stopping right on his prostate and grinding. “N-Nav!” With that last cry, a thick line of cum shot out of the tip of his erection, coating his cute little saddle and face with his gunk. At the same time, the muscles I was feeling began going haywire, squeezing me like mad and making me thrust without even meaning to. He cried out in pleasure as I pounded him again. Shrugging to myself and figuring that if I could keep going, he could too, I began pulling out again to keep going.

He whimpered when he realized I wasn’t quite done. The large blush on his face from his coital bliss fit in beautifully with his green eyes... And the goofy grin he had there made me feel great. I kept pounding away, my sack gently getting caressed by his silky-soft tail. Even though he was slowly softening from his orgasm, he was still moaning like a little slut every time I pressed against his prostate, gasping for breath.

I think I proved to myself that guys actually can have multiple orgasms when Braeburn’s moans reached a crescendo again, his front legs going down against the hay bale and his face going crosseyed, the blush he had deepening even brighter. This second set of muscle contractions finally made me slow down enough to feel them squeezing me. I squeezed my eyes shut and nuzzled his nose with mine, letting myself finally feel what he was doing to me.

Even though I think I fucked poor Braeburn silly, his body knew how to treat me and was squeezing in all the right ways as he hit his peak. I was able to let myself go and give into it, twitching inside of him once before cumming, a week or two of unspent cum pouring inside of his poor, tortured colon. I felt myself thrust one final time as I finally hit my limit, expelling my life-making juice deep inside the most barren of holes.

When I felt that I was completely spent and that his body could squeeze no more from me as much as it tried, I slowly pulled out with a loud and wet pop, freeing myself from his insides. He moaned one last time when I was finally free, whispering, “That was amazing...”

“I’ll say,” I panted, grinning at the release I finally felt. I leaned back down and kissed him again. “I think that was worth it...”

Then I heard a throat clear.

(“Sex is over”)

My ears immediately drooped as I slowly turned my head to the door. I saw three ponies standing there. Cadance had both of her wings fully outstretched and a look that was part shock and part... eager? Big Macintosh had a look of completely blank horror on his face. And of course, Rarity was smirking, a smug look on her face.

“Nnnnnnnooooooppppppppppeeeeee!” Big Mac just turned right around and walked off. He didn’t say a single other word.

“Enjoying yourselves, I see?” Rarity happily asked.

“Yes. Yes we are. What of it?” I asked back, pushing myself away from the hay bale.

“Oh, nothing, nothing... I’m just thinking about something you told me a few months ago, is all. About how you weren’t gay.”

“Bitch please. What do you even want?”

“Oh, me? I was just going to ask Braeburn how his little... date went. This is the best review of my new clothing line I’ve gotten yet.”

My eyes moved over to the pink princess. “And you? What did you want, Cadance?”

She finally blinked, her eyes moving away from Braeburn’s labored breathing. “Huh what? Nav, that was... Can you... Never mind. I have good news! Shining Armor says I can finally go home!”

I weakly grinned, tired from my exertions but happy to hear that she could finally get the hell out of my house. “That’s wonderful. Now both of you get the fuck out.”

“A quick question before I go,” Cadance quickly said. “Do you mind... celebrating with me and Shiny?”

“As long as you don’t mean anything sexual by that, I don’t mind. Now shoo. And uh... you might want to watch your wings.”

Cadance looked to her side and blushed, noticing that she was showing her arousal to the world. With a force of will, she shoved her wings down. “Let’s go, Rarity. And uh... do you think you could make Shiny an outfit like that?”

I didn’t hear Rarity’s answer as the barn doors closed tight and I turned back to Braeburn. “Hear that? I have something else to celebrate!” I happily said, putting my legs back on the hay bale and grinning down on him. “I hope you’re ready for round two...”

I think it was another hour before I finally got back out into the fields, a small grin on my face and a spring in my step. Spike was glaring off in the distance. When he finally heard me coming, he shouted, “About time you got back! What took you so long?!”

“Braeburn needed my help with something. I had to deal with that.”

“Oh yeah, sure, leave Spike behind while you go have kinky sex. C’mon, Nav!”

“Hey, it wasn’t kinky at all! It was standard missionary. Unless you count some people barging in on us as kinky, at least.”

“Yeah, well—Wait, what?”

“Oh, nothing. Let’s get back to work.”

“No seriously, what?”

“I just fucked Braeburn’s brains out, that’s what. Now do you want to get this finished or not?”

“...Alright.” He sounded very, very stunned at that revelation. “So wait, are you really gay?”

“Hey, your mom might be masculine, but sleeping with her doesn’t make me gay!”

“...Because if you’ve been holding out on me, we’ve been missing out.”

“No, it’s cool.”

“Alright, me neither...” A very awkward silence took over as we got back to work.

Chapter Ninety-Nine—Take a look, it’s in a book...

Chapter Ninety-Nine—Take a look, it’s in a book...

You know, there are so many more ways I would have rather spent the day than getting sucked through a hellish vortex leading into a bookish sub-dimension. Fucking Kumani, messing around on the computer, practicing with my sword, teasing Fluttershy with my body… So many better things.

Instead, I was stuck with Twilight.

“W-where are we?” she breathed, slowly looking around the enclosed area. I did the same, finding mounds and mounds of large tomes all around us, some stacked high and others low. “And how could anypony do this to so many books!?” she gasped, horrified.

“Is that really your concern right now?” I asked, looking past the books and seeing more things. Where there weren’t bookcases, the walls were completely devoid of color, a scary featureless black that seemed to absorb the ambient light of the area. The lack of a roof gave us a clear view of the swirling vortex of red and green that comprised the sky. Looking at that made my head start aching, so I pulled my eyes away quickly.

“But look at them!” she said, pointing a hoof at one of the piles. “That’s terrible for them!”

Before I could slap her in the back of the head, I felt a wind picking up around us. “New patrons…” a voice whispered, carried by the wind. I fell into a combat stance quickly, flipping the knife in my grasp and looking all around for the source. “New seekers of knowledge,” it continued. “Will you find what it is you seek, or shall you end up as one of the guardians, always looking but never finding?”

“Where’s the exit?” I called, not seeing anything that might be talking.

“You will find all that you seek at the end of the road,” the voice quietly answered. “But the pursuit of knowledge isn’t always safe. Be wary.” Just like that, the wind stopped and the voice shut up.

“What… what was that?” Twilight asked, spooked.

“Something very unpleasant, probably,” I said, standing back upright.

“What did he mean by end of the road?” she asked.

“I don’t know. If I had to guess, we’re supposed to go through the archway there.” There was only a single way out of the room, unless I felt like flying over the walls.

“Then let’s go,” she said with a nod. “I’m sure we can find somepony that can tell us what’s going on!”

“If what he said is true, I don’t think there are going to be many friendly people here,” I said. “We can try talking to the first… whatever we see, but I want you to be ready to blow it up. Alright?”

“Ugh. Why is it always violence with you?”

“I go with what works,” I answered, gently tossing the dagger up and down. “I’m willing to try diplomacy. But I’m not about to get torn apart by whatever the fuck lives here because you felt too queasy to blow it to shreds on the off chance it proves hostile.”

She sighed and nodded. “Alright, Nav. I… I don’t like it, but I trust you. But if there are too many, I’ll need help.”

“I got you covered,” I said, tossing the knife again. “I’m not a good tank, but I have a rogue’s legacy.”

“...What?”

“It means we’ll be fine,” I answered. “But if there’s a fight and you lose sight of me, don’t panic.”

“Uh… Okay. Are you ready?”

“Sure.” I led the way to the archway, wanting to get a good look at the new hell in which we found ourselves. Right before we crossed under it, I saw the only decoration in the room: A small pocket watch inlaid into the wall above the exit. Outside our small room was a world all unto its own, completely changing from the dusty chamber we left behind.

Gone were the books and the must, the horrid sky and the darkness. The world we stepped into—or rather, appeared suddenly in—was unlike anything I had seen since.

Wait…

I was suddenly standing at the head of a long table set up in the middle of a forest clearing. On the table were various food items, multiple tea things, and all manner of plates. And I could feel some extra pressure on my head, something that wasn’t there before. When I felt up there, I found exactly what I was expecting: A very large tophat.

Oh my God, I’m the Mad Hatter. Does that make Twilight…? Sure enough, a confused Twilight wearing a large, old-style white and blue dress, wandered into the clearing. Her eyes lit up when she saw me.

But before either of us could say anything, a squeaky voice yelled, “No room!” I looked toward it to see a large rabbit sitting at the table, propped up on a mound of cushions on a chair. Between us was a mouse of some kind, snoring daintily.

“Play along,” Flo whispered.

Oh thank God, you’re still there. “No room!” I shouted back, putting some anger in my voice. Twilight looked even more surprised. Before she could ruin anything, I stealthily pointed at the chair across from me, staring dead at it. “There’s no room at this table!”

“But… there’s plenty of room!” Twilight indignantly said, walking up to the chair and uncomfortably sitting on it. Thank God, she might play along. Now let’s just see if I can remember enough of my lines.

“Would you like some punch?” the large rabbit asked.

Twilight looked around the table, blinking and still trying to figure out what the hell was going on. “I uh… I don’t see any?”

“There isn’t any punch,” the rabbit dully replied.

“It wasn’t very nice to offer any, then!” Twilight answered.

“And it wasn’t very nice for you to sit here uninvited, either!” the rabbit said.

“But… there are so many empty seats!”

“You need to cut your hair,” I said, still staring at Twilight.

“W-what? But I like my hair like this!” The rabbit suddenly looked even more annoyed and the mouse kicked in its sleep, stirring slightly. My eyes narrowed and I mouthed the right word to her. It took her a second, but she eventually said, “That’s… uh, that’s… rude?”

I blinked in mock surprise. “Oh, is it now? Hm…” After pretending to consider that, I asked, “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” she happily said, finding a problem she could think about.

“Do you mean that you can find an answer for it?” the rabbit asked.

“Of course!” she replied.

“Then you should say what you mean,” the rabbit went on.

“But… I did! Er…” She looked to me for assistance.

Shit, even I was lost at that point. Lewis Carroll makes some really strange stuff. Thankfully, Flo was there to the rescue. She fed me my lines as I said them aloud: “Not the same thing at all!” I said, putting some fire to my words. “You may as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same as ‘I eat what I see’!”

Then the rabbit jumped in. “You might as well say ‘I like what I get’ is the same as ‘I get what I like’!”

And then the little mouse woke up, sleepily adding, “‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same as ‘I sleep when I breathe’...”

“It is the same with you,” I muttered, glaring at the little mouse as it curled on its cushions. Thankfully, Twilight had no idea what the fuck to say to that, so she didn’t say a word. She did, however, look confused as all fuck. Which was understandable, but at least she was playing along. But since Flo was whispering again, I pulled an exaggeratedly large watch out of my pocket and fiddled with it. “What day of the month is it?” I asked aloud.

“Uh… The seventee—” She saw my dark glare and then looked down to my hand, where I had four fingers held up. The rabbit and the mouse were both staring at her with soulless eyes, ready to do… something. “The… fourth?” she slowly said, still unsure.

“Ugh, two days wrong,” I sighed, turning to the rabbit. “I told you butter wouldn’t do it!”

“It was the best butter,” the rabbit grumbled, rolling its beady eyes.

“Yes, but some crumbs must have gotten in there,” I said. “You must have—”

“What in Celestia’s name is going on?!” Twilight finally shouted.

The rabbit and the mouse both jerked, starting at her. She gulped as two of the animals slowly stood and began changing. My knife carved through the skull of the mouse before it could turn into anything, but the rabbit turned too quickly for me to recover. The freakish monster that stood before us was a large furry beast, what looked like a bear mixed with a leopard, with a spotted grey coat, massive claws on each of its four legs, and a horrifying set of teeth.

“Beware the bandersnatch,” the voice whispered on the winds.

As soon as it regained coherence and turned to us, I shot up out of the table and grabbed the edge of it, throwing the thing up onto the monster. Twilight was having a minor freakout moment, backing away from the awful beast, her eyes widening.

Since I appeared to be the immediate threat, the thing pounced at me. As close as it was, the only thing I could even try to do was dodge, which I just barely managed. It slammed into the large-backed chair I had been on, crashing through it like it was your mother’s loose vagina.

“Stop panicking and help me!” I shouted, using my wings to propel me up and onto the monster’s back and then slamming my knife into it, trying to kill the damn thing as it thrashed around and tried to dislodge me.

“What is that thing?!” Twilight shouted back, not doing shit.

It finally got me off its back by rearing up, the same trick Celestia pulled on me once. Thankfully, I jumped off before it could land on me, leaving it mostly defenseless on its back. Not so thankfully, I lost my grip on the knife, sending it who knows where.

Twilight seemed to have finally come to her senses, shooting a ball of light at the thing, piercing its side. The beast screamed, an awful sound, as it rolled over and tried to stand.

“Keep shooting it!” I said, looking around the area for my dagger.

“I… I don’t want to kill it!” she said.

“Then it’ll kill us!” I shouted, finally seeing the sparkling red edge of that bloody naga steel. As she tried to conquer her moral dilemmas, I sprinted toward it, hoping the monster wouldn’t recover before I could get to it. Thankfully, I made it safely. And when I turned around, all that was left of the monster was a hunk of mostly destroyed meat. “...Whoa.”

Twilight was staring at it with wide eyes, her horn still slightly smoking. “I… I… I k-k-killed s-something!”

“Damn straight!” I happily said, shaking the blood off my dagger and walking over to her with a smile on my face. “Good job, Twilight.”

“B-but…”

“No buts,” I said, kneeling down and hugging her. “You did good.”

“Oh Celestia,” she huskily whispered. “I… I’m a murderer!”

“Nope,” I said, pulling back to look her in the eye. “That was self-defense. And man, that was one hell of a defense!” She still looked rather traumatized, so I had a feeling my method wasn’t working.

“You are so bad at this,” Flo sighed. She was probably shaking her head, too.

So I sighed and put on a more somber tone. “There were two outcomes here, Twilight,” I said. “It killed us or we killed it. Personally, I think I prefer being alive. Don’t you?”

“...Yes.”

“I’d be worried if you didn’t. Now, are you fine?”

“I want to see it,” she quietly said. That was a bad idea, but I knew it would forever haunt her either way. So I stepped aside, letting her walk up to the smoking remnants.

“You like learning about other cultures, right?” I asked, moving next to her.

“...Yeah.”

“Want to hear about a human custom called blooding?”

“Anything to get my mind off… that,” she said, not even looking away from the body.

“In my world, after a new hunter gets its first kill, the experienced hunter that goes with him takes some of the blood from the first kill and applies it in some way to the new hunter. Usually tasting or applying it as war paint on the face. It’s a way of signifying how the first kill never truly leaves you, no matter how many others you rack up in your time. It’s a sign of responsibility, in a way. You are responsible for taking their lives. It’s a burden you bear until the ends of your days.”

“I… I just want to forget…”

“You never will,” I sighed, turning away from the body. “Let’s go, Twilight. I bet the exit is this way.”

I began walking, not waiting for her to follow. She joined me after a second or two anyway, her halting steps soon matching mine.

“What was this place, anyway?” she asked when we got in front of the archway leading out. “You seemed like you knew…”

“A scene from a book,” I answered, taking the large hat from my head. With a shrug, I tossed it aside. “I… think I know what’s going on. If we had played along, we could have gotten out of this place with no bloodshed. But since you didn’t…”

“The inhabitants turned on us!” she said, pleased to have something to think about. “But why did it pick a book from your world? I’ve never heard of anything like this!”

“I don’t know,” I answered, looking up to the top of the gate leading out. “But do you see this inscription here?” I asked, pointing at the one present there. She studied it as I continued, “There was one before we stepped into this one, a watch.” The one on this gate was another gate.

“...And you had a watch before I broke character!” she said.

“Yeah. But don’t feel too bad. The only reason I was able to keep going was because Flo was helping me. You ready for the next one?”

“...No.”

“Too bad,” I said, pushing the gate open. In a flash, we were back in the dark area full of books with the freaky sky and black walls. But now we were somewhere new, away from that small room in which we started.

This new area had a much better view of the area around us, too. We were at the top of a tall staircase with no walls around us, meaning we could see a long way. The view was… not promising. It showed room after room after room, each connected by the arches. Some of those rooms seemed to have some kind of occupants, but it was hard to tell because the light wasn’t all that great. Many of the rooms also seemed to have all kinds of other items in them, not counting the occupants. The stairs we were on led down to a large chamber, where a few of the occupants resided.

“I don’t like this,” I said, gripping my dagger tighter.

“What’s this?” Twilight asked, looking at a pedestal behind us that I somehow missed. On it was a book.

“...Alice in Wonderland,” I said, running my hand over the cover gently. When nothing happened, I picked it up and thumbed through it. Nothing happened. The text within was perfectly legible. “I guess we get to keep the books we defeat,” I said, setting it back down on the pedestal.

“You don’t want it?” she asked.

“Nah. I already rewrote it. Now, do you want to go wreck some shit?” I asked, looking back down the stairs. “Bet you fifty bits that those things are hostile.”

“No deal. But… just in case, what do you think we should do?”

“Hm…” I took a few seconds to study the area. No cover, but plenty of maneuvering room. Those things are just wandering around the area, looking at the piles of books. Can’t tell much about them since it’s too dark.“Can you cast that invisibility spell on me?” I asked. “I can go do some scouting and you can follow me down in two minutes. That way, if they do end up being hostile, I’ll be in the perfect spot to strike.”

“I can do that. But without me there to maintain it, the spell will wear off as soon as you touch somepony else.”

“Noted. Cast it and give me two minutes.” Her horn lit up and a thin light shot at me. I could see the same aura around myself before I disappeared from view entirely. “See you soon,” I whispered, starting to carefully walk down the long staircase.

“Be careful,” she said. I held up a fist in a gesture of solidarity that I immediately realized she would never see.

I don’t suggest trying to walk up or down stairs when you can’t see your legs. Thankfully, Flo was able to take them over and control them perfectly, successfully getting me to the bottom. And when I got there, I quickly realized I didn’t want to be there. The inhabitants of the realm were emaciated, hairless, and made up of different races. The three immediately before me were an earth pony, a griffin, and a minotaur. There was absolutely no life in their eyes. The only good thing about them is that the griffin’s wings looked really funny without any feathers.

I was getting into some manner of position when all three of them instantly turned their heads toward the staircase, where Twilight was making herself known. The minotaur roared and began charging, setting his horns to gore her if he could get close enough.

Of course, I didn’t let him, grabbing one of his horns with one of my hands to sling myself around onto his back, where I slit his throat with casual ease. He ran on a few more steps before the bloodloss caught up to him and he collapsed to the ground, deader than he was before.

That didn’t stop either of the others, of course, so I almost immediately felt a griffon pounce on my back. Since the dude was just skin and hollow bones, he did very little to knock me off-center, but his talons hurt like hell. I used the hand not holding the knife to grab him around the neck, ripping him from my back and slamming him onto the ground in front of me, then twisting and kneeling, my knee on his chest and the knife to his throat.

Thankfully, Twilight was holding the earth pony with her magic, though he was struggling heavily in her grip. “Are… are they going to talk?” Twilight asked, her wide eyes staring at the struggling griffin under me.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “I think their minds checked out long, long ago. All that’s left is a husk…”

Her ears dropped as she considered that. “W-what about us?” she asked. “Will… Will we be like them?”

I pretended to consider that for a few seconds before grabbing both sides of the griffin’s head and twisting sharply, breaking its bony neck. “No,” I answered, standing. “Because we’re going to beat this place.” I walked over to the struggling pony and stared it in its soulless eyes. “I give you my word that neither of us will end up like this.” One way or another. To punctuate that point, I drove my knife into its chest, piercing its heart. After a few seconds, the monster stopped struggling. And horrifyingly enough, I saw that my knife was covered in… ink when I pulled it out.

“...Okay. We can do this,” she said, letting the dead thing fall. “We can… we can do this…”

“Damn right,” I said, shaking the filth off my dagger yet again. As I did, I started walking around the room, looking for anything of interest. Aside from the books, there were a number of strange statues and tables covered in papers with illegible text, vials of strange substances, and more recent-looking books. “Can you tell if any of this stuff is magic?” I asked.

“I… think I know that spell,” she said, walking up to one of the tables. Her horn lit up and one of the vials started to glow. “That’s some kind of potion made with magic,” she said. “But I have no clue what it does.”

“And we’re not going to find out,” I said. “Let’s check the other tables.” We walked around the room, looking for anything of use. I found a very ratty bag half-covered by some of the ancient tomes. We started loading all of the magic items in there, skipping the potions. Into it went scrolls, gems, and a single book. Since we didn’t know what any of them did, I just used my dagger to push them into the bag so neither of us had to touch them.

“So what are we even going to do with these?” she asked as we searched the last table.

“Look over them when we get back, I guess,” I said. “It’s not like they’re going to be any use here. You can take them back with you and do magic to them, or whatever.”

“Ooh! I’ve never gotten to experiment on unknown magical items before!”

“Well, wait until we’re out of here first. Now… which way do you think we should go?” I asked. There were three doors leading away from our courtyard. Each had a symbol above the archway.

“Hmm…” She started walking around, studying each one. Finally she pointed to the one on the left and said, “If we’re going through any, it should be that one.”

“Why?” I asked, looking above the archway she pointed at. On it was a quill between a set of mismatched eyes.

“Look at the ground,” she said. “The voice said that what we sought was at the end of the road. The floor leading up to that one looks more like a road than the others.”

“...You’re right. But hey, I have wings and you can make wings. Want to just fly over the walls and skip possibly getting killed by guardians?”

“Definitely,” she said with a nod. “Just check to see if you can fly over them first. I don’t want to spend that much magic uselessly.”

“Easy enough.” I set the bag and knife down, then jumped into the air, flying to the wall. As soon as I passed over it, I came hurtling down from the other side of the room, a searing pain on my wings. I hit the ground with a painful thump and a string of unpleasant curses.

Of course, Twilight was immediately at my side. “Nav! Are you okay?”

“Oh God… My wings,” I groaned, clutching at them. She flinched when she saw them and pulled my hand back.

“You… Your feathers are gone,” she said. I forced my hand away from her hoof and felt one of the wings, realizing that yes, it was now just as barren as…

My eyes went unbidden to the dead griffin, suddenly realizing why it didn’t have any feathers. “I can still walk,” I grunted, forcing myself up. “I won’t let useless chicken-wings stop me.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, nodding. “So flying isn’t possible… I guess that means we walk.”

“Yeah. Let’s get started.” Together, we walked up to the imposing archway. “What do you think?” I asked when we stood before it.

“Well… The things in the other one only started attacking when we… I deviated from the script. So if you know the story, try to help me keep up. I’ll help you if it’s one that I know.”

“Easy enough. You ready?”

“Just… one question, first. How is a raven like a writing desk?” she asked.

“My dear, I haven’t the slightest,” I airily answered.

“...That’s a terrible book,” she grumbled, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah. On three?”

“One,” she said.

“Two,” I said.

“Three,” we said together, stepping through the next door.

The first thing that came to my mind when I viewed the next place was chaos. Bodies of changelings were thrown about so casually that I thought this was an alternate history book where Canterlot fell to the changelings. But as I continued to look around, I saw a pink haired white horse with Twilight at her side, each wielding what looked like glowing artifacts of power. In front of them was a wounded chimera, one that I had seen a statue of many times.

“You should all be thanking me,” he said, laughing as he slowly pushed himself away from the two ponies in front of him. “All I ever gave you was fun!”

“For what, Discord?” the white horse—what I came to realize was Celestia—growled. “For murdering the alicorn race? For perverting Moonbeam? For depriving Luna of her parents? For taking the only hope I had of a future and dashing it to the ground? Why would we ever thank you?!”

“Her name is Chrysalis,” he said, his horrid yellow eyes looking to me. “And you asked for it, didn’t you? You accepted that deal, fair and square.”

“You cheated me!” I shouted, hoping it was the right thing to say. Don’t want to fuck with Discord and Celestia, no sir.

“You wanted children!” he said. “So I gave you more children than you could ever want. And it seems they love their mother enough to turn on their father…”

“I wanted children, not… monstrosities!” I said.

“Enough!” Celestia broke in. “We’re not here for that. We’re here for vengeance!”

“You should be careful what you wish for,” the chimera said, smiling slightly. “But you’re wrong, Celestia. I didn’t take your future from you. I gave you the best future you could have asked for. A shepherd’s future, guiding your new family down the road to enlightenment. The alicorns were stagnant! Frozen in time! They thought themselves so superior that nothing would ever change them. No race can survive like that. So I… brought them down a peg or three.”

“You tore them in three parts and just laughed as the entire civilization collapsed!”

“Well, no one ever said I was nice!” he said, giggling.

“And soon, you will be no more,” Celestia growled, her eyes glowing. “Luna, ready yourself!”

“...Uh, ready?” Twilight said, looking at one of the artifacts on her neck.

Thankfully, Twilight didn’t have to know what to do for the magic to actually work, so a rainbow beam shot toward Discord and… completely missed. He just vanished, then suddenly reappeared right in front of Celestia, his talons around her throat. Twilight yelped in fear and rushed to try to help, but Discord’s lion paw thing grabbed her by her hair and held her up, though he was still staring at Celestia.

“Do you truly think I would let myself lose?” he growled. “Do you know how long I’ve been alive, how long I’ve been in power? Do you know who gave you those artifacts? I created those elements and I placed them in that hidden bolthole. I lose when I say I lose!” He casually tossed Celestia back and gently set Twilight down. “You will never beat me, Celestia. Because I lose on my own terms. You will be their shepherd, like it or not. You will guide them and train them to be not better than other races, but friends with them. Because should any large conflict arise, I will break free from my temporary home. And when I do… I’ll be most disappointed in you, Celestia.”

“I’m not beholden to you!” she croaked, sitting up from her spot on the ground.

“Do you want to become like the others of your kind? Destroyed, driven mad, split, or cursed as a changeling? You will either live, or you will become like them. Because unless you give me your answer, those trinkets around your neck might as well be tinfoil for all the good they’ll do you.”

“You’re a monster!” Twilight hissed.

“I am a god!” he shouted, glaring at her with fire in his eyes. “Do you want a taste of eternity, child? To see what I’ve seen, to do what I’ve done? You would be as empty as I, were the circumstances different. Empty and searching for any scraps of joy to fill your heart, anything to break up the monotony.” He shifted his gaze back to Celestia. “Answer me.”

“I despise you,” she hissed, raw pain and hate in her voice.

“Good answer,” he said with a grin. “Give me your best shot.” Celestia stood with a grim look on her face, marching to stand next to Twilight. Discord turned to me with a smile on his face. “I will see you in a few millenia, my new servant…”

God that is creepy. As though sensing my thoughts, he lifted his arms and started laughing to the sky, howling his amusement for all to hear as Celestia and Twilight finally silenced him, turning him to stone.

“It’s… done,” Celestia sighed.

“...Now what?” Twilight asked.

“We go and rebuild,” she said. “Come.” She began walking off toward a familiar gate. Twilight and I immediately joined her, seeing the way out.

Soon, we were through another portal… and immediately beset upon by more of the abominations. The two of them looked more worn and damaged, each bearing some signs of injury. One was a pegasus and the other was some kind of biped, but I couldn’t tell just what it was. They were both dark brown and completely missing any kind of fur, as though they had been burned.

Of course, I was too busy defending myself against an immediate threat to do much of anything else than just look at them. The biped came bearing down on me, swinging both arms to slap my head on the ears. I ducked under that and tackled it, forcing it back. Sadly, even after its rot, whatever it was had more strength and mass than I did, so it didn’t go far. When it recovered and before I could stab it, both of its hands clenched up and slammed onto my back, hurting enough to force me to release it and nearly hit the ground.

And then it shot back against the wall so hard that I could hear something within it break. “You alright?” Twilight asked, panting.

“Yeah,” I groaned, pushing myself up. Nothing feels broken. But fuck did that thing have some strength. “You?” I asked.

“Just… peachy,” she said, her voice slightly strained. I looked her way to see her holding up a struggling pegasus. “Can you… help me?” she asked.

I finally stood again, grabbing the dagger from where it had fallen, and walked over to the pegasus. It glared at me with hollow eyes, each seeming sunken in and very dry. No remorse, no fear. The dagger plunged into its chest, destroying its heart. But since that’s a fairly inefficient way to kill something, it struggled a few more seconds before ceasing and then falling to the floor, allowing the dagger to pull free.

“Let’s look around,” I said, not commenting on her inability to kill an actual pony.

“Nav… What was that book we were in?”

“A history book,” I answered, walking over to the gate from which we entered, where a pedestal stood with a large tome upon it. “The Founding of Equestria.”

“I… I’ve never heard any of that…”

“I knew bits and pieces,” I said, grabbing the book and sliding it into the pack. “Celestia has censored history a lot. This seems like a more accurate version of things that happened. We can read through it later. But for now, let’s look around.”

“...Alright.”

The room we found ourselves in was much smaller than the previous one, with doors on all four sides. More of the large, ancient books lied in piles against the walls, annoying obstructions blocking some movement. There was only a single table alongside one of the walls, covered in an odd assortment of items. According to Twilight’s spell, none of it was magical.

As I took another look around the room, I saw something mostly hidden by one of the piles of books, something that made me smile. “Well looky here,” I said, pulling the sheath out from under the books.

...With it came a skeletal arm of something with fingers and a completely rusted blade still jammed inside the scabbard. With Twilight’s help, I was able to pull that free and use it for the naga dagger. It was a very poor fit, but better than carrying it around the whole time.

“Are you ready to move on?” Twilight asked, looking at the floor to determine where we had to go.

“Yep. Looks like the road heads that way,” I said, nodding to where it looked like the road led.

“Shall we, then?” she asked. I started walking that way and she joined me. We stopped at the entrance. On it was a quill and a sword held by a human hand. “What do you think?” she asked.

“No clue. But let’s both be ready to face anything when we get out of this book. There’s no telling what might be on the other side, and running into those abominations here was almost bad.”

“Agreed. Three?”

“Three,” I said with a nod as we both stepped in.

What struck me first is how… grey everything looked. The countryside we were in was vast, open, and very green while the large body of water behind us was lively and active, but the sky above us was just dull and dreary. That was my first hint that we were in Britain. The second was that I was surrounded by other humans, aside from a purple horse that stood next to a man wearing nothing but furs. He was so filthy that I could practically see the lines of stench emanating from him.

Between me and him was a tall figure wearing some form of scale mail, a shield and spear in his hands. In fact, everyone there except for Twilight and the dude in fur had a shield and spear. Many of us also had swords, axes, clubs, or various other weapons.

“He’s coming for me, Arthur,” the fur guy said. “Nothing can stop him, not even all your arms and armor.”

“Derfel and I will not fail you, Merlin. That monster can try to break past us, but he’ll never succeed!”

“He will. Nimue has foreseen it. I’m the last, Arthur. Magic is nearly dead in this world, aside from his.”

“Surely there’s something we can do!” Arthur shouted.

“Buy as much time for me as you can,” Merlin calmly said. “I have a few tricks left up my sleeve. And this weapon will aid you greatly in the coming battle,” he said, holding both hands together, balled into fists, before slowly pulling them apart. As he did, a sword materialized between his fingers, a sword I knew very well. “I present Excalibur.”

...Flo, how did you wind up with that sword?

“It was a gift,” she answered. “Now listen.”

“A sword, Merlin?” Arthur sighed. “This is only good should our shield wall break. Against those barbarians, we shall hold firm!”

“They’ll be as an endless wave. The wall will break. I must have time if my last work is to be completed.”

“What are you planning?” Arthur asked.

“...Avalon,” Merlin quietly answered. “Nimue, come. We have preparations to make.”

Twilight was silent until I glared at her and she jolted. “Oh! Uh, yes, Master Merlin!” That seemed to be good enough, as the two of them turned their backs on us, walking back a few paces.

“We have things to do ourselves, Derfel,” Arthur said, turning to me. “Sagramore! Galahad!” Two men from the group behind us jogged up to us. “We have to buy time. Sagramore, send scouts out. I want to know Mordred is coming before he gets here.”

“Yes, Arthur,” the very large fellow said.

“Galahad, I want your men preparing for a siege. This land isn’t very defensible, but by the spirits, we’ll take what we can get. If you can, dig trenches. Layer the bottom with broken weapons.”

“Aye, Sir Arthur,” the ruggedly handsome fellow answered.

“Derfel, I want you in the center, ready to pull back to assist Merlin if he needs anything. I know your blood sings for battle, but of all of us here, you’re the one most familiar with their magic. We’re here for Merlin, not glory.”

“Of course, my friend,” I replied.

“Then I’ll leave you up to your own devices,” he said. “May your gods be with you.”

Galahad and Sagramore both clamped down on either of my shoulders in a symbol of solidarity before walking off. I turned and started walking to the guys who were spending the most time staring at me, assuming they were mine. “What’s the word, warlord?” one of the guys asked when I got close enough.

“We’re guarding the center,” I said. “Arthur wants me close to the druids in case they need assistance.”

“Honor is honor,” someone else said. “And the center is always the most heated!”

“We’re here for Merlin, not honor,” I answered. The fellow that spoke up spit on the ground in disgust, sneering. Oh man, oh man… This is starting to worry me.

“Relax,” Flo whispered. “You’re a warrior and a leader. Just play it carefully. That’s all we can do.”

If I get a line wrong…

“You won’t,” she said.

“No disrespecting the old magic,” I darkly intoned. “You know what Merlin is capable of.”

“He was gone for two years and then came back, demanding we sacrifice everything for this!”

“In the most glorious last stand you could ever ask for!” I shouted. “Standing with Arthur against Mordred, our sworn enemy. And you would complain? What better death could you ever desire?” He went silent, looking away. “You trust in Arthur, don’t you?”

The guy scowled. “I trust in you, warlord. Arthur… I worry about him.”

“Well, I trust in Arthur,” I answered. “And he trusts in Merlin. Neither of them would just throw us away, at least not without a chance of more glory and honor than anything else could give us.”

“Then die we shall,” he sighed.

Someone else answered, “Not die, no. We fight!”

“For glory!” the men shouted. “For honor! For Arthur, for Derfel!” Even though none of this was real, it brought a smile on my face to hear my troops cheering my fake name.

That smile was instantly wiped off my face as the scene suddenly… shifted. I was now standing side-to-side with the men I had been talking to, my shield held in front of the man to my left and my spear aiming forward. The man on the right had his shield in front of me. Together, we formed a wall of shields twenty men wide, with an extra man behind each of us ready to take advantage of any impaled enemies. There were other groups of us to our right and left, but since we were all so bunched up, I couldn’t tell how many other groups there were.

Before us was a horde, stretching as far as my eyes could see. Our backs were nearly to the ocean, with the baying horde charging across a massive field. I could barely see a single man on a large horse near the back of the group, spurring them forward.

The sky, before a dead grey, was now swirling in two places. One of the vortexes was centered somewhere behind us, presumably on Merlin. It looked clockwise, but it was hard to tell. The other was centered on the man with the horse, spinning counter-clockwise. There was a small humming in the air, wind gently blowing the heat of our closeness away. Aside from that and whispered prayers in my group, I could hear nothing else.

It seemed like time skipped again, because suddenly the enemy was surging into trenches, clogging them almost immediately with their numbers, and trampling over the dead and injured trapped within the holes. They clashed against my shield wall with a sudden roar and clap of sound, tearing my mind from any manner of concentration.

Suddenly, my entire world became the men immediately around me. The one my shield was protecting, the one that was protecting me, the man in front of me, and the man behind me. It was just a maelstrom of death, blood, and screams.

As it turned out, my spear did nothing other than line someone up to be murdered by the man behind me. I could try to move it to do more damage, but truly, it was all I could do to stand in place, holding back the tide of humanity that was constantly threatening to break me.

I have no clue if time skipped again or if the confusion and horror of the battle was so much that it warped my sense of time, but suddenly I was being dragged backwards. “DERFEL! MERLIN NEEDS YOU!” Galahad shouted over the din. “HURRY!”

I nodded and started to go, but stopped when I saw something truly amazing: Arthur dueling the man from the horse. The runes on Arthur’s sword were glowing a bright blue with every swing, countering the blows from the fiery red blade Mordred was wielding. They shared blow after blow, each being blocked by the other, fire and ice flying from their blades every time they pressed together.

However, it seemed that despite all of Arthur’s experience and prowess, he was being pushed back. Even though I absolutely knew I had to get to Twilight and Merlin, I couldn’t pull myself away from watching that fight, that truly epic dance of man and steel.

But it all went to horror before my eyes as Mordred suddenly kicked Arthur back, then lifted a gloved hand. From that hand shot an arrow from each finger. One missed. Two glanced off his armor. But two found weak spots, forcing their way into Arthur’s body. Mordred’s face gained a vicious smile as Arthur gasped, speckles of blood falling from his lips.

Despite everything, I found myself sprinting toward them, hoping I wouldn’t be too late. Mordred was slowly advancing, not even keeping his guard up, knowing he won. He didn’t see me until it was too late, my spear slamming into his body before he realized I was coming. The man’s eyes went wide as my sword came in to finish the job, slicing off the fucker’s head.

Instead of a death sentence, as I had expected, some force of pure darkness shot out of his body, writhing about. “Der-Derfel,” Arthur gasped. “M-Merlin!”

“Not without you,” I answered, dropping my sword and grabbing the once and future king. Ignoring his protests and his extremely heavy weight, I carried him toward where Merlin was shouting incantations to the sky, each one an explosion of magic.

When I got close enough for Twilight to notice me, she dropped what she was doing and sprinted my way. “N-Nav, what’s going on?” she whispered, her eyes wide and haunted. “This place is terrifying! The screams… Oh Celestia, the screams!”

“It’s almost over,” I answered, setting Arthur down next to her. “What has Merlin told you?”

“I… I don’t know! Nothing he said made sense! I have no clue what kind of magic he’s doing!”

“God… Help him!” I said, pointing to Arthur as I started running toward Merlin. “Mordred’s dead!” I shouted between Merlin’s words.

“Then the true threat is revealed!” he answered. “Chaos has come to claim us all, boy. Where is Arthur?”

“Right here, lying broken behind you,” I angrily answered. “Mordred injured him.”

“...Derfel, do you trust me?” he asked, finally turning to face me. In his eyes, I saw an old man. Wizened, broken and battered, but still fighting, still defiant. And almost completely terrified.

“Yes, Merlin,” I answered, nodding.

“Take Arthur’s sword. Take Excalibur. Survive this fight. Then cast the blade into the sea. The lady of the lake will need it for a new champion that will continue the fight against chaos.”

“What of you?” I asked, not caring if it was part of the script. “What of Arthur?”

“Chaos will not have me,” he answered, pulling a dagger from the folds of his furs. “I will ensure that. But Arthur and Nimue will escape. To what ends… I don’t know. May your god be with you, Derfel.”

“And may the gods be with you,” I slowly answered.

“Nimue!” he shouted. Twilight jerked up, away from trying to ease Arthur’s pain. “It is time. To the portal!” he shouted, throwing his arms wide. The gate that we both had to use suddenly appeared before him.

Without even taking a second to think about it, Twilight and I both sprinted to it, diving through before we ruined the script. Perhaps proving that there was, in fact, someone looking out for me, the room we both flew into was empty, so it wasn’t a problem that we hit the floor painfully and didn’t move an inch for several seconds, aside from panting.

“What… what was that?” Twilight breathed, utterly and totally confused.

“I… don’t know,” I answered, not panting but thoroughly confused.

Flo whispered, “There may be more to old legends than we thought, Nav. See what the book on the pedestal says.”

I slowly pushed myself up, walking toward the book. Sadly, it seemed that nothing I had with me came through, so I lost the very well-made leather armor, the good shield, the sword, and the spear.

On the pedestal next to the door was a leather-bound book with no inscriptions. When I opened it, I found that all the words were in some extremely old alphabet that I couldn’t read.

“You can’t,” Flo said. “But a spell could help you. This book could give us a key to fighting Discord.”

“This bag is almost full,” I said, closing the book. “Is it worth taking?”

“Absolutely. We might be able to find another bag in the other rooms we pass. But I don’t think another copy of this book exists anywhere.” I shrugged and carefully pushed it into the already bulging ancient bag.

“Did you say something?” Twilight asked, finally pushing herself to her hooves.

“Nah. Let’s look around, see what we can find.”

“Are… Were all human battles like that?” she asked me.

“No, of course not. I mean, they’re all terrible, sure. But that was centuries before I was born. And that was just one small part of the world. Things have changed a lot since then and vary from place to place. That was nothing compared to World War Two. But that’s not really important.”

“...Right.” She slowly turned her head, looking around the room. “I don’t see any tables this time.”

“But…” I said, walking over to one of the piles of books, where it seemed like something was partially obscured. After casually tossing them aside, I found something that made me seriously question my sanity.

“A chest?” Twilight asked, walking up next to me.

“Think it might be trapped?” I asked, wondering just what the fuck a chest was doing here.

“Hm. Let’s stand over here,” she said, pulling me back with her magic. When we were standing against the far wall, her aura surrounded the chest and it slowly creaked open.

Nothing happened.

“Guess not,” I said, walking back over to it. Inside was a sack of silver coins of indeterminate age and make, a few books that none of us could make heads or tails of, vials of dried ink, a few quills that broke at our touch, and a single shabby dagger that I didn’t even bother with.

“Why is this even here?” Twilight mused.

“With this many books and with books from my time, this world is old,” I said. “This chest has probably been here for thousands of years, likely brought by a scholar that wanted to study in this world. But it was a hindrance, so he left it behind.” Or he died. “There’s no telling what culture this thing is from, or what year.”

“That… makes sense. So now what?”

“We move on,” I said, grateful that she didn’t bother asking what happened to the chest’s original owner. “There’s no telling how many more books we have to travel through and we don’t know how much time is passing outside for all the time we spend in here.”

“Then shall we?” she asked, walking up to the next door the road led to.

“Sure,” I answered, joining her. Together, we walked through the archway that had nothing but a heart at the top.

The setting of the new world hit me like a hammer. I went from fully clothed to almost completely naked, only a pair of very short shorts covering me. Twilight stood next to me with a long, brown trenchcoat. In front of us was a large red door with a neon sign displaying “Whinny Cocktail Lounge.” Around us was a seedy back alley, probably chosen to hide the club.

“Well alright then,” I said, clapping my hands together. “Let’s find the gate immediately and get out of here, shall we?”

Before Twilight could answer, the sound of breaking glass rang through the alley. We turned that way and saw a multitude of street rats staring at us silently, daring us to deviate from the possible script.

Twilight gulped and said, “A-Are you sure about this, Snow?” she asked, jerking her head slightly toward the door with some uncertainty on her face. God fucking dammit.

“Absolutely,” I sighed, face-palming. This is going to end so poorly.

Flo giggled and said, “What Kumani doesn’t know…”

“Let’s just go,” I growled, pushing the red doors open. Twilight followed behind me into what appeared to be a very extravagant BDSM club. I could hear grunts, groans, and moans from all around us, but the very nice front room was empty but for a single stallion.

When he saw us walk in, he smiled, showing off a set of pointed fangs. Oh my God, it’s a vampire. Fucking really? “Ah, Snow,” he quietly intoned, slowly stepping forward. “It is good to see you and your slave took my invitation.”

Oh God, my what? “I uh… I could hardly refuse,” I answered, hoping I didn’t fuck up. “When do we start?”

“First, payment must be discussed,” he said, finally reaching us. He began to circle, eyeing Twilight appreciatively. “I believe I can waive the usual fee… should you give me some time with your pet.”

“She is not yours to toy with!” I growled. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief before looking up at me and jerking her head. “But… uh… We could… share her?”

The vampire was at her throat in an instant, sniffing it gently and then licking her tenderly before backing off. “I accept. I trust you know the rules?”

“Of course,” I placidly answered, having absolutely no clue what they were. From the look on his face, the slowly growing sense of irritation, I knew I fucked up. “But why don’t you remind me?”

“Simple,” he answered, starting to walk toward a staircase. “You are the master. He is the slave. And if your slave does not obey, you mete out punishments.” One of the words that guy said slipped right past me.

“Simple,” I sighed, following the fellow. Twilight silently dogged my footsteps. Up we went, further into the club.

Thankfully, he chose a room close to the entrance of the building, so we didn’t have to hear the disquieting sounds all around us. Since the room he chose happened to be sound-proof, it got very quiet very quickly.

“You know why we’re here,” Twilight suddenly said, shedding her coat and stepping forward.

“Oh, I know,” the vampire said. “And you’ll get it. After I take my… price. After all, it would hardly do for you to blow your cover. And if you aren’t walking funny when you leave this building, nopony would ever believe you came here for anything but the information.”

Twilight muttered, “Horsefeathers,” before looking away with a blush.

“Such a beautiful mouth, sullied by such foul language,” the vampire whispered, stepping closer with a bright grin. He pulled a blushing Twilight into a kiss before releasing her and saying, “Let’s use it for something better, shall we?” He backed off and looked up to me. “Don’t be shy, Snow. Shining Armor here is just waiting for your delicate touch.”

As soon as he said that, I blinked a few times, completely lost. My eyes slowly moved to Twilight, who was blushing up a complete fucking storm. Then they slowly went back to the vampire. He was just grinning, but it was slowly becoming more irritated.

So I casually strode across the room… and stabbed that fucker through the eye.

“We’re done here,” I calmly said, pulling my knife out of him. He flopped to the ground, but didn’t stay down for long. I felt a pair of fangs sinking into my heel as I was walking away, tripping me.

Kicking backwards with my other leg did little other than increase my pain, so I’m glad Twilight didn’t fucking panic this time, instead using her magic to pull the fucker away from me. He was struggling like a mofo in her grip, though, actually making her strain to hold him. “Get… up!” she shouted.

Of course, I wasted no time complying, even though my right leg was currently in a fuckton of pain. I also snatched my knife up and hobbled forward to continue stabbing the bastard.

None of them seemed to do anything until Flo whispered, “The heart, Nav! He’s a vampire.”

Oh yeah. Duh. With that new goal in mind, I sent his dark and edgy soul back to hell where it belonged. Thankfully, there was almost no blood involved in killing him, since technically he was already dead and didn’t have a pulse.

“Well that was fun,” I said, my arms going limp as Twilight dropped the corpse to the floor. “Now how did you know what to do, again?” I asked, turning to her. She looked away and stammered some excuse that I couldn’t understand at all. “No really. How?”

“Cadance… used to write… stories,” she said. “And well… she needed somepony to proof them… But his name wasn’t Shining Armor, then, I swear!”

“Uh huh.” At her blush, I very strongly suspected it was, but I didn’t call her on it. “Well, let’s—” A massive blow against the door of the room drew both of our attention that way. “Isn’t this room soundproofed?” I asked.

Another loud blow cut off whatever Twilight was going to answer. A sound from behind me made me look back, finding that the gate appeared on the wall.

“Time to go!” I shouted as the door burst open. I didn’t even turn to face it, just sprinting as quickly as my fucked leg could take me to the door. Something crashed into my back as both Twilight and I reached the exit, making me stumble and fall into a bundle of cloth that immediately started screeching.

The heads of the other two abominations shot our way as whatever it was I landed on shot upright, dragging me with it. The cloaked being held me at arm’s length by my throat, but then I realized it wasn’t an arm as much as it was just pure cloth. The only face it had was some cloth situated in a facade of a scowling face, but it was still somehow emanating an awful screech.

And then something began circling my legs. I looked down with panic in my eyes and found that the cloth from the monster was slowly wrapping me up, traveling up my body. Before my arms could react, the main body of it split, shooting toward me. Some reflex of mine shot my arms up, grabbing the two halves in an attempt to stop them from getting my body.

It didn’t work, since it just enveloped my arms instead, still traveling inexorably onward. Despite my struggles, it still managed to sneak up both legs and both arms, reaching my torso. And I could already feel my strength sapping in my limbs, submitting to this thing’s will…

Until it suddenly stopped, its shriek cutting off suddenly. My body was instantly awash with heat as the cloth burned away in a flash, leaving me to fall to the floor panting. I was completely unable to move, my arms and legs all completely asleep.

“Nav!” Twilight shouted, kneeling down to look at my face. “Please tell me you’re okay!”

“Thank you,” I whispered, struggling to rise. “I can’t move my arms or legs.”

She looked at them, her ears dropping. “Oh Celestia,” she whispered, her eyes going wide. “Your… your skin isn’t supposed to be that color.”

Where my arms and legs were usually a straight darker tan, they were currently mostly grey and mottled, looking completely lifeless. “Shiiiit…” I sighed, looking at my arms. Since there didn’t seem to be anything else to do, I rolled over onto my back and forced myself to a sitting position so I could see my legs. “Shiiiiiiiit…” My left leg was as bad as my arms. But my right leg was partially black around the area the vampire had bit me. “Can you heal this?” I asked.

“I can… try,” she said, lighting up her horn and leaning in. I felt the waves of healing flow through me and thankfully, the blackness around the wound faded away. But the other colors remained. “How do you feel?” she asked.

“Better than I was,” I answered. “Just… give me a few. Walk around, see what’s here. I don’t think I’m going anywhere.”

“...If you need me, just yell,” she said, giving me a long look before walking to one of the tables in the room.

“Flo?” I quietly asked.

“Working,” she tersely answered. “I can fix this, but it’s going to be a while before you regain full control. Walking should be easy, but there’s going to be some lag, slow response time. You should be fine in an hour.”

“...But do we have an hour?” I asked, not expecting an answer. I wasn’t disappointed.

Twilight joined me a few minutes later, a few more jewels and a small box with her. “How are you feeling?” she asked, sitting next to me and laying all the items down.

“Right now, fine,” I said. “Flo’s working on me, says she can get me up to full speed in an hour. I’ll be weaker until then, but I should be able to walk soon.”

“That’s… good. What was that?” she asked.

I couldn’t answer her, but something else could. “Not all librarians want patrons,” a voice whispered. “And all libraries have guardians. Expect surprises…”

“Fucking… great,” I sighed, my shoulders slumping.

“That… certainly doesn’t sound promising,” Twilight said.

“Yeah. How long have we even been in here?” I asked.

“With all these new worlds we’ve been entering, it’s hard to tell,” she said. “But I’d guess at least two hours.”

“...How long do you think it’ll take for the ship to send a rescue team?” I asked.

Her eyes went wide as she realized that what I said was probable. “Oh Celestia… My friends would demand to come! They can’t be here!”

“And Watcher wouldn’t even think about letting them,” I replied. “But I don’t want to risk anyone. We’ll push on as soon as I can walk. Just… be ready to do more of the work. I’ll do my best, but… God, that was close.”

“Of course, Nav. Just… play along next time. I know it didn’t sound the best, but I wouldn’t have minded. I mean, it would hardly be the first time we explored… that hole.”

“Yes, but I’m also in a relationship with an extremely jealous dragon.”

“Well, I’m sorry for considering our lives more important than your relationship! I’m sure she’d understand, if she ever even found out.”

“...I’d certainly hope so,” I sighed, trying to lean back and use my arms to catch myself, only to remember that my arms weren’t working. So instead I kept falling until some magic caught me. Then a purple pony situated herself under me, allowing me to use her as a pillow of sorts. “Thanks.”

“Least I can do,”she said. “But I do want to know why you’re with Kumani. What do you see in her?”

“It’s… nice to have someone that actually cares about me,” I said. “Luna… Well, I’m sure you know by now what happened there. But she kept pressuring me into things I didn’t want and took advantage of me more than once. Despite her heat and very jealous nature, Kumani is controlling herself. Sure, she’s extremely lusty and suspicious, but she’s keeping the worst of it in check. She actually cares enough to hold herself back, unlike Luna. And besides, she’s a fucking beast in bed.”

“And it was actually starting to sound sweet for a second,” she said with a giggle. Then she put on a more serious tone. “If you’re happy, you’re happy. I can’t fault that. I just… It doesn’t seem like you would be the… Ooh… the weaker partner in a relationship.”

“Just because I dommed for you don’t mean I like that,” I said. “I’ve gotten to the point where I usually prefer being on the bottom. Well, figuratively. Sexy or not, she’s heavy enough that she could hurt me if she was actually on top. But that’s not really important.”

“R-right.”

“But since we’re going to be here for a little while anyway…” I said, since I knew she was interested. She definitely didn’t stop me as I went into some details, that’s for sure. By the time I could move my arms and legs well enough again, she was breathing heavily. “...and that’s when I discovered yet another use for tooth floss.”

“T-t-that was… interesting,” she said. I could hear her tail wagging from behind me and I really wished I could see the blush on her face. “But um… I think…”

“Yeah, I can move,” I said, slowly pushing myself off her, using my arms. They were still sluggish, but mobile. My legs were responding as well, allowing me to stand. “Feels good,” I sighed, stretching. Excellent job, Flo.

Twilight stood as well, keeping her tail firmly against her backside. “So should we… go?” she asked, making a pointed effort not to look at me.

“Let me walk around, get some blood flowing in my legs. Wherever we might end up, I want to be able to move.”

“...Yeah. So have you seen any pattern?” she asked as I started walking.

“It’s either been humans or ponies,” I answered. “And they’ve been alternating. So if that continues, the next one will be human. I swear to God, if we end up in some fanfic, I’m killing everything in sight.” For some reason, Flo giggled at that.

“Hopefully we won’t,” Twilight said, giving the pedestal with the heart-shaped book a quick glance. “I’d like something that’s actually useful, like more history about the princesses or your people.”

“Speaking of that,” I said, stopping a second to pop my legs, “have you noticed a thread? Namely, Discord?”

“...Yes, I have,” she said. “I’m definitely going to have to ask the princess about it next time I see her.”

“Be careful about mentioning it,” I said. “She’s wiped Shining Armor’s memory about some things before. I don’t doubt she’d be willing to do it again, to someone else that finds things she wants hidden. I’ll let you read through the history books we collected from this place, but they’re staying with me as I travel.” And by that, I meant I’d be giving them to Bloodbeak so copies could be made.

“Would she really do that to her student, though?” she asked, concern coming through.

“I don’t know. She’s cleared stuff from Rarity’s mind before. And she’s removed a lot from the history books, like the true founding of Equestria, Reginald the dragon, Discord himself. It’s gonna have to be something you ask yourself. Risk it or not?”

“...I’ll think about it.”

“And I think I’m ready to go,” I said, stretching my legs one more time. After stopping to get my knife, we walked over to the next door. Above it was a quill and a star. “Thoughts?” I asked.

“The quills have been history,” she said. “The star…” She looked back at her ass. “It usually represents magic. So magic history?” she asked, turning to face the gate.

“Which means this is probably your show,” I said. “I’m following your lead.”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright. I can do this. Let’s go.” Together, we walked through the portal.

I had about a second to orient myself in a brightly glowing room before the sound of voices dragged me out of my stupor. “And we told thee, there is no choice!” Celestia angrily said to some weird looking dude in a strange hat and a cloak with bells on the edges.

“And I said thy mind is taken by paranoia,” the stallion said. “Clover is a genius, a magical genius! And thou wouldst waste her on thy bastardized magic?” Looking around the room gave me a view of Twilight standing behind the weird guy. The actual room we were in was small and circular, with a large glowing crystal in the center.

“We would use her, Starswirl,” Celestia said, standing to her full height. At this point, her hair was still pink, but she seemed more regal and less angry than she had been the last time we saw her. “Thou knowest what happened, how the everlasting winter took the north. How one mad mage doomed thousands to starvation! Something must be done. And we have found a solution!”

“Thou hast found a solution?” Starswirl asked. “Or was it thy sister?” When he asked that, he turned to me. Oh God, am I in that blueberry bitch?

“Semantics!” Celestia said, pulling his attention back. “A solution has been found, Starswirl. And we will teach thy disciple.”

“Thou art doing nothing but delaying the issue,” he said, shaking his head. “Anyone that has magic of any kind will be able to find ways to abuse it. Putting unnecessary restrictions upon it does nothing but make stopping the abuse harder for those that have to fix it!”

“It makes stopping the abuse possible, Starswirl,” Celestia growled. “Should we be the only ponies with true magic, we can fix any horrors others would bring upon the world.”

“Providing what oversight?” he asked. “When I die, when the last of the magi perish, what will the rest be left with? Thou and thy sister? Wilt thou lie to the coming generations as well, tell them thou doth raise the sun as thou told us?”

“Thou wilt cease thy slander!” Celestia hissed, her eyes narrowing.

“Dost thou thinketh me a fool, Celestia?” he asked. “Think thee that we all be fools? The council has known for ages! It was a convenient lie, for we needed the support of the earths and the pegasi. But shouldst thou thinketh to turn them against us, do not think for a moment that we will let your lie live any longer. Thou and thy sister are powerful and ancient, but without the support of the unicorns, how long dost thou thinketh thee will last?”

“We will start this revolution of magic, Starswirl,” Celestia darkly said. “With or without the council’s assistance. Thou may either assist us and have a say in how things progress or go against us and be lost in time. We last forever. Thy star is fading, even now. In two thousand years, who doth thou think will be remembered more? Us, who will still be living? Or thou, who will have faded millennia since? Join us now and help us or risk being left behind for eternity.”

“Taketh thyself to Tartarus,” he answered. “Clover, come.” He started walking to the only door in the room, Twilight following him in a complete daze. Celestia looked to me, narrowing her eyes. Hopefully taking the hint, I blocked him from leaving with an arm. “What doth thou want, Lady of Battle?” he asked me.

Celestia was looking at the crystal ball in the center, where a scene was playing out. “Look,” I said, pointing toward it. He set his teeth, but turned his gaze upon it.

“Doth thou know of Discord?” Celestia asked as Starswirl watched the scene.

“Of course,” he answered. “What hath that monster to do with this?”

“We have reason to believe that he has no defense against the spells we would create,” Celestia said. “Discord himself is a magical being of immense power. But spells are only partially magic. True magic has many elements of chaos, something at which he excelled. But the spells we wouldst create are… different. They require order within thyself. They require a lack of chaos and a centering within one’s mind. And we believe that a world with much less true magic would decrease the risk of him escaping again. But we can’t know this without testing. Thou sayest that Clover is a genius, that she could truly change the world. What better change than being the building block of killing chaos itself?”

There was silence in the room for a few more seconds as we watched the images of Discord’s cracking statue stranded within a snowy wasteland. Not enough to completely break, but it was very obvious that the stone was damaged and weakened.

“...I shall discuss it with the council,” Starswirl finally said. “Clover, come.” Celestia let him leave, this time. The door slid shut behind them both with a gentle hiss, strangely.

“We detest lying,” Celestia sighed, shaking her head.

“You did the right thing,” I said, hoping I was as well.

“We know, Luna. And of course, thou knowest what must be done if they do not assist us?”

“Purge?” I asked.

“Make it quick, should the need arise. We do not want friends to suffer. Now, let us depart this unpleasant room.” Thankfully, the door suddenly took on the shape of the gate. I sprinted for it, not wanting to risk it disappearing.

Twilight and I appeared side by side. Before we could relax or get a good grasp on the next room, a single sheet of paper in the center began unfolding… and unfolding and unfolding. Soon, that single sheet of paper stood at twice my height, revealing a two-dimensional humanoid shape that was completely covered in a writhing text that upon trying to read hurt my eyes.

“What the hell…?” I whispered. As soon as I spoke, its head faced me. Then its arm shot my way, almost faster than I could throw myself aside. Thankfully, it missed. Not so thankfully, it seemed to be able to unfold even farther, meaning that it was able to follow me. A fiery spell from Twilight did nothing more than light up its runes and bring its attention to her, its other arm seeking her plump flesh.

Now, I wasn’t going to be having any of that. I snatched my knife out of the shitty scabbard it was in and slashed at the strange arm-like apparatus, slicing it down the center. But since this thing was made of fucking paper, all it did was give it more maneuverability as it tried to reach for the knife in my grip.

Unfortunately, continued dodging without really paying attention to where I was dodging put me with my back against the golem. One of its legs extended from its base on the ground, shooting past my thigh and giving me the most painful fucking papercut I have ever felt in my life. My leg jerked back and I quickly reacted, succeeding in cutting the extended leg from the rest of the thing’s body. The freed paper flopped to the ground, smouldering but not burning.

Before I could back away from its body, though, the arm that had been chasing me connected with my body, wrapping around my arm without the knife. Before I could cut its tendrils off, one of the pieces of the arm lit up bright red, emanating extreme heat. The other turned blue, turning bitterly cold instead. By the time I succeeded in removing its arm, I once again had no feeling at all in that arm other than pain.

The golem appeared defenseless, given that its other arm and leg were seeking Twilight, who was teleporting around the room and blasting it uselessly with whatever spell she could think of.

Be very wary when you think something defenseless.

I spun my dagger in my hand for what I was hoping was a killing blow against its body, trying to slash it in two, but its fucking head extended down, shooting straight toward me. Once again, only my quick reflexes stopped me from a whole world of hurt. Thankfully, it gave me a nice shot at removing its head. Not so thankfully, it jerked away as I tried slicing down on it. Even less thankfully, its head took on the shape of a fucking sword, folding and refolding itself to be as sharp and strong as copper, something I probably couldn’t hold my own against with one hand.

But hold I did, dueling with a single hand and a single dagger against something about twice my size. Thankfully, it seemed to have no idea what it was doing, so all it really had against me was its height advantage. And it also didn’t seem that intelligent, so I was able to slowly back away to make it continue unfolding its head, drawing it further away from its body. By the time I was about two meters away, it was no longer able to follow me, making me realize I had reached its limit.

Only about two feet of that head was converted into a saber, leaving the rest as some strange manner of arm, thrusting the weapon about. With its general lack of expertise, I was able to slide right through its guard and get close enough that I could jump up and slice, severing its head completely.

With an inhuman screech followed by the sound of a newspaper being crumpled and tossed away, the paper monstrosity collapsed to the floor, suddenly held together by nothing.

“What the absolute fuck?” I gasped, panting. Christ, I need some sun. I’m using way too much energy in this place!

“Sweet Celestia,” Twilight panted, falling to the floor. “What was that thing?”

“No clue,” I said, limping over to her. “But can you heal me? My leg and arm are fucked.”

“I can… try,” she said. “But I’m tired. I haven’t used this much magic in ages…”

“Worry about my leg first,” I said. “That thing fucking burns.”

She looked down at it and at my arm. “But… your arm is actually burned.”

“Have you ever had a papercut?” She blinked a few times before her eyes widened and she immediately healed my leg. “Ooh, much better,” I sighed, the horrid pain leaving me.

“Even with that as a papercut, it’s still hard to believe that it hurts worse than… that,” she said with a pointed glance to my fucked up arm.

“Oh, this is actually completely numb,” I said, lifting it. “Can’t move my fingers, can’t feel any pain anymore. I think the extreme hot and cold killed my nerve endings or something.”

“You think correctly,” Flo whispered. “I’ve been working on it, but no promises.”

Take your time. If it can’t get healed immediately, I’d rather not feel the pain.

“I can try,” Twilight said, pushing herself up. “But working with nerves is a lot harder than just healing cuts. I really don’t want to push myself too far because we don’t know what else is ahead.”

“Understandable. But know that if I’m at half-capacity, I’ll be about half as useful. If this thing lasts for too much longer, we might just have to risk a search party and rest for a few hours. My legs and good arm are still feeling wooden from that damn rag monster. This damn paper golem just made it worse.”

“I thought you were supposed to be a knight,” she said, her horn lighting up and moving next to my arm.

“Knights have armor. And swords. And armsmen. All I have right now is a fucking dagger. Hell, I’m lucky to even have that. Also, technically I’m retired from the knights.” As I was saying that, some magic was being done to my arm.

“That’s all I can do,” she said when I finished speaking. I could still barely move my fingers, but the burn and ice marks were gone. And ‘barely’ being able to move them was good enough.

“I can get Taya or Zecora to try their luck when we get back,” I said, flexing the digits as best I could. “Hopefully we’ll only have one more book world. Speaking of that, I need to get the book for this one.”

“Why?” Twilight asked. “It was obviously just some silly story.”

Thinking back to what Taya told me, I very much doubted that. “Eh. It’s still something that bears looking into,” I said as I walked over to the pedestal. “And if nothing else, I could use some light reading on the long trip ahead.”

“If you say so,” she doubtfully said. “You want to look around the rest of this room?”

“My bag is bulging already,” I said, finding a way to slip the new book in there. “I can’t carry any more. At all.”

“Well… there aren’t any tables in here anyway. But I wouldn’t mind getting a good look at the remains of that golem.”

“Go for it,” I said with a nod to the paper on the floor.

She walked over to the main body of the thing, walking around and examining the paper from several angles. “This… isn’t actual paper,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve seen anything like it!”

“Think it’s parchment?” I asked, walking over to the head.

“Parchment is paper,” she answered with a roll of her eyes.

“Not in my time, it wasn’t,” I said. “Parchment was very fine leather, or dried animal skin. It was used in old times before the invention of paper. I can’t identify it for sure, but this stuff feels leathery.”

“That’s… horrible,” she said, paling slightly. “But it would explain why my magic didn’t do as much to it. Well, aside from the runes. And I’ve studied magical runes many times but haven’t seen any like these.”

“Think Jak would know?” I asked. “Minotaurs are supposed to be really good with runes, right? I know I wouldn’t mind having one of these things on my side.”

“Hm… He might. But there’s no way we can take all of this body with us, even if we did have a bag large enough.”

“It died when I cut off its head,” I said. “Whatever activation stuff is in it has to be there. I’m sure someone that knows the runes could reverse-engineer the rest based off the head.”

“Well… its head is also pretty large,” she said. “About three meters long. There’s no way it’ll fit in that bag.”

“I’m carrying it with us, one way or another,” I said. “Let me see…” I knelt down to pick the thing up and started messing around with it. “Look around the room. See if there’s anything else of use here. Another bag would be awesome.”

She did as I asked, carefully setting stacks of books aside with short bursts of magic. As she looked, I began pulling and pushing the paper around, trying to figure out just how it folded. It took me a few minutes, especially with both of my hands sluggish, but I figured out how to fold it. After halving it four times, I wrapped it around my waist and slipped the ends into pockets, creating a belt of sorts. Paper armor equipped. -5 defense, -10 mobility. Hard mode activated.

“Rarity would be so disappointed,” Twilight said, coming forward with another bag. This one was in slightly better shape, but smaller than the one I had. Attached to its side were two canteens. “This was under one of the stacks,” she said, looking back slightly. “...And attached to its previous owner.”

“Good to see you’re learning to be more pragmatic,” I said, taking the pack.

“Well… it’s not like she needed it anymore,” Twilight sighed.

When I opened it, I found a few books already in it. “Looks like a seeker of knowledge,” I said, pulling one of them out. There was absolutely nothing on it that I could read. “We’ll toss some of these if we need the space,” I said, sliding it back in and beginning to transfer some items from the shitty bag I had into the new one, then threw them both back around my weak shoulder. “Shall we continue, then?” I asked.

“Might as well. But remember that we’re both weakened. So be ready to work as a team in case we run into anything else.”

“Noted. Hopefully this next world won’t involve any fighting.”

“Yeah…” When we walked up to the gate, though, it showed a skull, a slash, and a crystal. “What… could that mean?” she asked.

I had a very bad feeling that I knew. “A crystal might be Sombra. And a skull might be Grogar the necromancer.”

“N-necromancer?” Twilight asked, her eyes wide. “That’s been banned for ages!”

“Yeah, and he’s why,” I said. “Hopefully I’m wrong. Either way, we have to keep moving.”

She sighed and nodded. “Ready?”

“Ready.” With that, we both walked through…

...And appeared in a dark tomb, both wielding spears and flanking a crystally pony. Sitting in a throne made of skulls in front of us was a blue ram with twisted horns, red eyes, and filed-down teeth. “The great King Sombra demands you control your undead spawn!” the guy between us shouted.

“I created this winter expecting every living thing around me would leave,” the ram rasped, his voice a weary whisper. “And yet you remained, clinging to the ice and etching out a pitiful existence. Why should I even care if you foolish mortals complain? Wiping you from this wintery wasteland would be a favor!”

“If you don’t, it means war!” the foolish diplomat said.

Grogar answered with laughter, dark and dry. “War?” he finally wheezed. “For every one of yours that fell, I would grow stronger! The dead need no heat, no food, no sustenance other than magic. Should you attempt to strike against me, I would remove that city of yours off the map. And if you could somehow reach my lair and strike me down, my phylactery resides in the shadow realm itself! I would come back just as strong as I was before, while you will be weaker after every battle. Attack me if you dare.”

“And your undead attacking us isn’t already a declaration of war? They murder traders, attack caravans, eat townsponies… What would you call that?”

“They do so under no order of mine,” Grogar flippantly answered. “Failed experiments that were cast aside. If you want to kill them, destroy their heads. I make that the weak point of all of my experimental creations. I couldn’t care less if they never wandered back into my domain.”

“Do you truly expect us to believe that?” the diplomat hissed. “You said yourself that you expected us to leave! How can we know this isn’t just an attempt to force us out or kill us all?”

“Believe what I say or don’t,” Grogar replied. “But unless you wish to become one of my experiments, I suggest against calling me a liar in my own home.”

“You wouldn’t dare harm a diplomat! All the pony countries would be up in arms, rushing to assist us!”

“Perhaps you aren’t paying attention. I am unkillable. Destroy my body, it will regrow in the shadow realm and I will cross over again. Since nothing living can enter that realm and come out alive, you can destroy my body all you desire and I will come back every time.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“Strike two,” Grogar answered.

“Recall your undead abominations or suffer the consequences!” the diplomat shouted again.

“Should I have any desire to, it would be impossible. I cut them from my control and cast them out,” he casually answered.

“You liar!”

Without a word, Grogar’s hooves slammed together and the diplomat went stock-still, unable to move. Grogar’s head turned to me and he said, “You have until I count to three. I suggest you run quickly. One.”

My eyes widened and I looked at Twilight, who was also looking at me in fear. Before he could say two, my spear was falling to the ground and I was running to the door.

“Two.” Twilight joined me as the stallion we were abandoning began screaming. The two of us were out the door before anything else happened.

Then things… shifted and we were once again in the room, both wielding spears. “This is the throne room?” Sombra asked next to me. He was resplendent in a set of bright steel armor, glittering even in the unholy radiance provided by the infernal green flames.

“Yes, my lord,” I answered quickly. “This is where he was before.”

And he was here now as well, still on his throne. At one side was a very terrified donkey and on the other was the mutilated body of the diplomat we were supposed to protect. “So here you are,” Grogar said, not moving.

“Did you truly expect to murder a diplomat and get away with it?” Sombra demanded, stepping forward.

“It’s hardly murder,” Grogar answered with a shrug. “After all,” he said, waving a hoof forward. “He never died.” With that, the undead diplomat stumbled forward, shambling toward us.

“Disgusting,” Sombra said, actually angry. “Soldier, destroy this… thing.” Hopefully he meant me, since I was the one that moved forward. The zombie thing offered no resistance as my spear stabbed right through its head, impaling it easily. It slid off my spear with a nasty sucking sound as it fell to the ground, even deader than it was before.

“I suppose you want to kill me, now?” Grogar asked, seemingly nonplussed.

“That is the plan, yes,” Sombra replied, walking past me.

“I have a proposition, then.”

“...I’m listening,” Sombra answered, stopping.

“If you allow my servant to live, you may kill me with no resistance on my part. And when I come back to this realm in a month, I will find somewhere else to occupy, away from this cold area. You and your kind may return to a life of peace.”

“How am I to know this isn’t a trick?” Sombra demanded.

“Because if I wanted to kill you, that corpse your soldier just made would explode,” Grogar replied with a shrug. “Or I would just kill you.”

“Very well. You will die and your servant will live. Perhaps he’ll find a wiser occupation in what remains of his life.”

“Perhaps. Bay!” The donkey jumped, staring at his master. “You are free. Live as you would. You know where I will be if you want to find me.”

“Y-y-yes, Master Grogar,” the donkey whimpered.

Grogar nodded once and then twitched, his eyes losing their color and turning grey. His lifeless body slid from its seat on the throne, collapsing onto the floor. Then it began to rot before our eyes, the fur and skin quickly disappearing. Then the bones began to turn into dust before they, too, were entirely gone. Soon, all that was left was dust.

Sombra nodded and looked to the donkey. “You have three minutes before we destroy this entire dungeon. I suggest making the most of that time.” The fellow’s eyes went wide before he sprinted out of the room, the door turning into a gate as he departed. “Follow him,” Sombra told us. “Make sure he doesn’t take anything but gold.”

“Yes, my king,” I answered before we both started jogging toward the door.

Unfortunately, something caught Twilight’s foot and she tripped. I didn’t notice until it was too late and I was already going through the foggy wall.

As soon as I entered the next room, alone, I realized I might be out of my element: two diamond dog ghouls and a massive minotaur with two swords as long as I was waited for me in the very tight room. My eyes opened wide as they all started charging me, the minotaur in the middle. Since I had no idea what would happen if I went backwards, I dove into a roll between the left dog and the minotaur as the two swords slammed to the ground in the space I had been occupying.

The dogs recovered faster, both rushing at me as I regained my footing and drew my dagger. I was able to sidestep the one to the right, burying my dagger into the back of its skull as it tried tackling me. When I wrenched it out, I immediately dove to the right, away from the minotaur, not even looking to see what was happening.

My guess was a good one, as both of the swords sailed over where I had been, dicing the remaining dog and leaving me against the minotaur alone. Or not so alone, since Twilight came out of the gate at that moment. But her eyes only widened as she saw me jump forward before the minotaur could get its sword back up.

Slicing across its chest did nothing but make it angry enough to try slamming its swords into the ground again. I sidestepped and quickly jumped behind him, where I sliced the hamstrings on his left leg, forcing him to one knee and making him roar in pain and anger. Since his shoulder was now low enough to reach, I used my bad left arm to grab it as I jumped again, using my arm to give me the boost to get to its head.

The sharp naga steel actually glanced off the skull, giving it a chance to jump back up, ignoring its bad leg. One of its swords dropped to the ground and its meaty arm started reaching back before I could correct my aim and slice the thing’s neck instead, since not many species had any resistances against that.

Even with a mortal blow and ink raining from its neck, the thing still tried to fight, grabbing my skull with its large hands and ripping me off its back, then starting to slam me to the ground. Thankfully, Twilight finally woke up and grabbed me with her magic, stopping me very suddenly, though I was still slowly moving down as it struggled against her grip.

Thankfully, though, the blood loss was taking its toll, weakening the monster. But it still had a sword and Twilight was doing nothing to the arm holding it. So the minotaur lifted its remaining greatsword and let me go so he could swing it at me. As soon as he let go, I shot upwards from Twilight’s magic and her not being able to compensate quickly enough. The blade sailed under me and then flew into the wall as he lost his grip on it, then fell to his knees. With one final roar of anguish that was more a rasp because of his bloody smile, he fell heavily to the floor and was still.

Then I began slowly moving back to the ground until I was finally left there in a pool of ink. Twilight collapsed when she finally let me go. I pushed myself up, my skull still smarting from being squeezed as it had been, then walked over to her. “You okay?” I asked.

“Give me… a few minutes…” she panted, breathing as though she’d just been gang-banged by the whole royal guard.

“Take all the time you need,” I said, walking over to the pedestal with the book. There was no text on the cover, so I opened it up and immediately regretted it, the spidery writing inside burning my eyes. I slammed it shut and slid it into one of the bags without a second thought, knowing I’d need some magic to read it. Given how it was written, I assumed it was a personal journal or something of Grogar.

Since Twilight was still out of it, I walked over to the bodies and checked them to make sure they didn’t have anything worth looting. Sadly, they were all naked. The minotaur at least had some of his fur left, but none of them had anything. After one look at one of his giant swords, I didn’t even bother. The naga might be able to use them, but carrying them wouldn’t be worth the effort.

Aside from their bodies, there was only a single pile of books in the room and nothing else. I walked over to that pile and started tossing books aside, casually glancing at the cover each time. By the time I had gotten to the bottom, I had run into a single book that I could read, which was just a cookbook.

With nothing else to do, I walked over to Twilight and sat next to her, pulling out my knife and checking it for damage. Sure, it was naga steel, but that didn’t make it invincible. And it had been doing a lot of work. Work that showed, since there were a number of small notches on it from where I had stabbed through bone.

“Gonna have to get Jak to fix this thing up,” I muttered, testing the sharpness. Thankfully, despite the damage, it was still doing fine. Just means it’ll tear slightly instead of a clean cut. More pain for them, I guess. “You feeling any better?” I asked, setting the dagger down.

“A little,” she quietly said. “Rub my belly?” she asked.

“Roll over,” I answered. She did so with a smile and I started gently rubbing. It was the least I could do after she bailed me out all those times. “So what do you think this place is?” I asked.

“Pocket dimension packed away and stored in the book, guarded by traps that ensnare the unwary,” she answered with a silly smile, her eyes closed. “I can feel magic in the air, but I don’t know what kind. It obviously predates pony society. I can’t say anything else.”

“Maybe we’ll find some answers the further we go in,” I said. “Though it seems we’ve gone so far already…”

“And getting more and more tired after each fight,” she sighed.

“I’m feeling it, too,” I said. “No sun. I’m getting tired.”

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and the next book will have a scene where we have to sleep.”

“Even if it did, we might be on a timer here.”

“Yeah, I know… But I’m really tired. The books are mostly easy, but these rooms… Celestia, they’re awful!”

“I know. Hopefully whatever’s at the end will be worth it. If not, I’m gonna be hella pissed.”

“We can take it up with the librarian,” she replied with a weak chuckle.

“Yeah. Or we can light this fucking place on fire before we leave.”

Her eyes jerked open and she stared at me in horror. “All those books! I could never do that!”

“What, you plan on coming back?” I asked. “I sure don’t. This place can eat a dick. Maybe if I didn’t have to start at the beginning and go all the way through. Or I could bring more of my crew.” Man, the naga’s big, strong arms would be so nice right now… “But otherwise, I’m chaining this book shut and throwing it back in my chest.”

“That… might not be a bad idea. But think of all the knowledge in here!”

“If you can’t live to read the books, they’re useless. It’s taken us a long damn time and a lot of effort to get this far, with no telling how much farther we have left. Coming back probably isn’t worth it, unless you came with a small army.”

“Hm… But we still shouldn’t just light it on fire.”

“Eh.” We fell silent after that, just sitting there. Well, I was sitting and she was on her back, getting her belly rubbed. “We’re going to have to move on eventually,” I finally said.

“I know. You really need to let somepony give you a belly rub if you’re ever a pony again.”

“I’ll think about it,” I lied. “You ready to go?”

“For now,” she said, rolling back over. “But I’ll really need to be careful. That minotaur was strong.” She slowly stood, making sure her legs were working. “I don’t want to fall into a magical coma.”

“Sounds unpleasant,” I said, standing as well.

“It is. And it would render me useless for days, possibly. Most unicorns know their limits and stay within them. But sometimes, in a truly desperate situation, it’s possible to shoot past those boundaries. The consequences are swift and put you out cold for hours or even days.”

“Ever happened to you?” I asked, stretching. My arms were working better, thankfully, though my left one was still a lot more sluggish than the right.

“Once, during a test. I learned my lesson after that.” She looked at the ground and grimaced. “So much ink, it’s hard to tell where the road is…”

“Looks like it’s straight ahead,” I said, walking toward that door.

“Yeah. What do you think those markings mean?” she asked, looking to the top of our new gate. There were three marks this time: a wave, a fire, and a rock.

“No clue,” I answered.

“Elementals,” Flo whispered.

“But Flo thinks it’s something to do with elementals,” I added.

“Then this is going to be really interesting!” Twilight happily said.

“Maybe,” I answered. “Just be ready for anything. Remember that the elementals got their shit wrecked. Hopefully we won’t show up during the fight.”

That curbed her enthusiasm slightly. She just nodded and asked, “Ready?”

“Sure.” We both stepped through.

Thankfully, nothing too terrible seemed to be going on in the world we entered. I was standing in a row with two fires to my right. The one on the far right was actually female. Twilight was standing in a row across from us, next to two waters to her left. Both were female and all were facing us. In a third row, facing into the center of the little group we had, were three pillars of rocks.

“Not the actual elementals,” Flo told me when I saw the rocks. “They’re fairly large and heavy, so those are just proxies.”

One of which was speaking. “What say you?” it slowly asked, its voice like hearing a landfall.

“We are innocent!” something in the center of us answered. After concentrating, I was able to see an air elemental suspended between us all. “Release us!”

“After you betrayed us?” one of the fires growled, exploding in heat. “You’re lucky we don’t destroy you all!”

“What is a prank?” the air asked. “It’s just a short time and then they’ll all be free again!”

“Then you won’t mind sharing their fate,” one of the earths said.

“We have to be free!” the air answered.

“And so do they. But you did not consider that. And now you will pay for it.”

“It was just a joke!”

“You locked away our sisters!” one of the waters shouted. “Locked away fires and earths! All because of our true enemy!”

“He’s not so bad,” the air answered.

“Enough!” the center earth thing answered. “For your trickery and betrayal do we bind you and lock you away.” The air elemental began howling in anger, but the rock talked over her. “May you forever be bound in darkness, forgotten until the end of time.”

“You can’t do this!” the air shouted. But it seemed that none of those present cared. Several stones shot out from the rocks making up the earth proxies, surrounding the air elemental. The fires shot liquid flame from their arms as the new prison rotated until the rock melted, filling in all the empty spaces, completely enclosing the still-howling air. Then the water elementals shot some cool water from their arms, stopping the very hot rock from flowing to let the elemental out.

“It is done,” the central rock intoned. “The last we could capture is sealed.”

“But at what cost?” one of the waters quietly said. “Chaos is still free. All we’ve done is punish the airs…”

“It is the price they pay for betrayal,” the female fire answered.

“The location of their cells will be noted,” one of the rocks said. “If there is ever a time when they are forgiven, they will be freed. Take this one away.” The two fires looked to me and the two waters looked to Twilight. So I just stepped forward as the very large boulder slowly lowered to the ground. Twilight did the same. When we got to it, the gate suddenly appeared to our left, where I assumed we were supposed to take the boulder.

So we just stepped on through it, ignoring the giant rock entirely. That was a decision we quickly regretted, given that there was a giant blob of what looked like ink through the portal.

“Holy fu—” Its entire surface wrinkled and I took that as a hint that moving would be a good idea. I was correct, as a pure black spike shot into the area where I had just been standing. It quickly retracted and the blob began moving toward us. Seeing how fast it was, I tossed both packs into the corner behind me, knowing I’d need the extra speed. Twilight’s horn lit up as she tried maneuvering around it and soon a ball of heat hit it, doing nothing but being absorbed. Another spike shot at her and she yelped, jumping and just barely dodging it.

“What do we do?” she yelled, backing into the corner she was closest to. It responded by moving closer.

“Teleport around the room to distract it,” I called, making it move toward me. “It reacts to SHIT!” Instead of a spike, an entire wave of itself crashed down on me, absorbing me and burning like fire. Only Flo stopped me from screaming and poisoning myself with ink as I tried clawing my way out.

Thankfully, despite being completely unable to see, the blob was small enough that I could escape without too much effort. I broke the surface of the thing and gasped for breath, immediately regretting it as a torrent of viscous ink got into my mouth. I made sure to wipe the ink away from my eyes before I opened them, pulling myself the rest of the way out of the blob.

It didn’t seem to mind me leaving, given that it was more focused on Twilight at the time. So I crawled away, trying to recover and think of a way to fight this thing. Suggestions?

“I… have no idea,” she said. “You might have to just flee, but we really need that map for the air elementals.”

Grab the book, get Twilight, run the fuck away. Simple. In my crawlings, I reached one of the large piles of books. Since I was slippery from the ink, I used that pile to pull myself up. As I did, I noticed something. Where’s all the ink going?

“...Pick one of the books up,” Flo said. I did so and marveled as the ink running down my hands began slowly sliding up, toward the book. When I rubbed it down my other arm, it sucked all the ink right in. “Well then.” We both seemed to be thinking the same thing, a dark smile coming to my face as I chucked the book right toward the ink blob.

It shrank slightly, the book absorbing some of the ink. “Throw books at it!” I yelled to Twilight, reaching behind me and grabbing more of them.

“WHAT?! THAT WOULD RUIN THEM!” she yelled as I threw several books at the guardian. Thankfully, it was more concerned with the sound than my efforts to kill it.

“Yeah, and getting killed would ruin us! Fuck the books, we’re more important!”

“But—” Another spike slamming toward her shut her up. Luckily for her, one of my books absorbed just enough ink to shorten the spine so that it was just barely too short to hit her. In response, she just stood there with her mouth dropped, watching as the spine retracted and the blob continued inching toward her, shrinking as I tossed books at it.

Then she blinked across the room toward a large pile of books, grabbing the entire pile with magic and throwing it at the beast. It immediately disappeared, fully absorbed in the books. I let out a sigh of relief before I felt the ink still left on me beginning to flow down, pulling away from me. It started coalescing into another blob on the ground before I dropped the book remaining in my hands on it, destroying the budding menace.

“That’s that,” I said matter-of-factly, now cleaned of ink.

“All those poor books,” Twilight sighed, her morose eyes staring at the pile.

“Eh, fuck ‘em,” I said as I walked back toward the gate we entered from, grabbing the book on the pedestal. “Not like they were useful to us anyway. Probably just sports almanacs or literary criticism. You know, useless things that no one cares about.”

She sighed again and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right. So what was that book we were just in?”

I opened it and started poking through it, unable to read any of the text. “I can translate,” Flo said.

“Stuff about the elementals,” I answered, closing it and walking over to the bags in the corner. “The air elementals worked with Discord to imprison some of the other elementals. For their crimes, it seems that they were imprisoned as well. But not so well-kept that they couldn’t be released with my key. Hopefully, this book will have a map with the locations of more of them.”

“Do we really want them freed?” she asked.

“Not really, no,” I said. “But they might be useful later. I’ll put it up to the waters, when we get them together.” After making sure Aerie wasn’t around, of course. Or I might put it up to the humans, if I survive long enough to bring them forward in time.

“Well… At least it would be interesting,” Twilight replied as I slid the book into the bag and picked both of them up. “You see anything interesting in this room?” she asked.

“There was another chest in the pile of books I was throwing,” I answered, walking back over to it.

“You want me to check for traps?” she asked, making me stop.

“Go for it,” I answered, backing away from the chest that was barely poking out of the pile. It lit up with her aura and jerked out of the pile before safely opening. “Looks clean,” I said, continuing to walk over. She joined me. “Looks like a cloak,” I said, reaching my hand in and running it along the smooth leather surface of it. As I was doing so, my hand bumped into something metallic. “Hm?” I picked the thing up, finding that it was completely invisible. “What do we have here?” I asked, trying to look at it.

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.

“Something invisible,” I said. “Feels like a ring.”

“Maybe it’s a ring of invisibility?” she asked.

I shrugged and slid it on. “Can you see me?” I asked.

“Yeah. Are you just joking, or is there actually a ring?” I reached up to her horn and tapped the ring against it, letting the sound answer for me. “That’s strange… Who would enchant a ring to be invisible?”

“An artificer that’s terrible at magic?” I suggested, pulling the ring off and sliding it into a pocket. “Maybe they were trying to make it a ring of invisibility and just made it invisible instead.”

“...Maybe. What else is in there?”

I pulled the cloak out and held it up, revealing nothing. “Simple cloak,” I said, tossing it around my shoulders and attaching it.

“...Or not so simple,” she said, reaching over and lifting up the hem. As soon as I put it on, it started shifting colors. “That’s… weird,” she said, mesmerized.

“And ugly,” I answered, not bothering to take it off. “This chest is interesting but… is anything here actually useful?” I reached my hand in again and grabbed a short metal rod. After looking it over, I quickly realized that it could be extended, like a baton. So I jerked my arm down, making it expand. Nothing really happened, so I just tossed it aside to look back in the chest.

“Whoa,” Twilight said, looking at it. I sighed and looked over toward it, seeing it balancing perfectly on its tip, standing straight up.

“Fucking really? What else is in here?” The next item I pulled out seemed to be a pack of cards. I shrugged and pulled one out before wincing and dropping the entire pack. “What the fuck?!”

“What?” she asked, grabbing the card with magic before it fell. “M-mom?!” The picture on the card was my mom in lingerie, which was just horrifying imagery. And apparently it was the same for her, since she threw the card aside with a look of disgust on her face.

“One more. I swear to God, if it’s useless…” I pulled out an amulet and looked it over, seeing nothing particularly bad about it. With a shrug, I slipped it around my neck and immediately felt… something coming from Twilight. “What the…” I pulled it off and the feeling went away.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I… don’t know,” I said. “Try putting this on, see what happens.” She pulled it from me with magic and her eyes widened slightly, looking up at me. “I feel… something coming from you,” she said.

“Huh. Flo?”

“It’s… an amulet for detecting thoughts, I think,” Flo said.

“It just got stronger!” Twilight exclaimed.

“...Flo thinks it’s an amulet of detect thought,” I slowly said.

“But I can’t tell what you’re thinking.”

“But you can tell that I’m thinking.”

She blinked a few times, realizing what I meant. “Well that’s useless!”

“Yeah, we’re done here,” I said, standing and grabbing the packs. As an afterthought, I grabbed the baton as well because it could actually be used as an alternative weapon to the knife, if I needed one. “Next door is over here,” I said, walking to the right.

“Yeah,” Twilight said, walking up next to me. She was still wearing the amulet, for whatever reason. Maybe she liked knowing where I was or something. “You ready?” she asked.

I slammed the baton into the ground to close it, then slid it into one of my pockets. “Sure,” I answered. The image above the gate this time was just a star. We stepped through it together…

...And appeared in another large room with books, though this one had a ceiling. And the books were much more neat, all aligned on bookshelves. “Now pay attention, children,” a griffin at the front of the large area said. All around Twilight and I were children of various ages and races. Most of the ponies were unicorns, though there were a few of other types as well. “Your first lesson in magic starts now.”

“Magic?” Twilight whispered. “A griffin?” I gently nudged her, shaking my head. She got the hint and shut up, thankfully.

“Now most of you have parents that can do magic, but not many of you know how,” the fellow continued. “The concept is simple and yet, so incredibly difficult. It’s belief. Cast aside the limitations that everyone says exists and force your own reality onto the world.”

Twilight muttered something, but I wasn’t listening since one of the kids up front was saying something. “I don’t get it.”

“As I said, it’s difficult,” the instructor explained. “It takes most students years to be able to understand it, though some can do basic things within a month or two of practice. But to truly become proficient takes a lifetime.”

“Can you show us something?” another kid up front asked.

“Certainly!” The griffin clicked one of his talons on the floor, looking up at one of the top book shelves. Three books pulled down, shooting straight for him. “Simple as that,” he said.

“Impossible,” Twilight whispered.

“What about something cool, like a fireball?” one of the others asked.

“I don’t really like using magic for anything violent,” the teacher said. “But as an example…” He lifted up one of his talons while the other clicked on the floor. A wad of fire appeared in his outstretched talon. He tossed it into the air and with another click, it went from fire to fireflies, flying around the classroom and lighting up randomly. The students watched in wonder and awe. “Truly, almost anything is possible with magic,” he said.

“...Almost?” one of the other students asked.

“We can go over the limitations later,” the fellow hastily answered. “But for now, let’s get started…” The scene shifted, showing a room full of kids that were slightly older, with the same teacher. “Welcome back again, students,” he said. “Last year you learned the basics, how to move things from here to there. Simple things. This year, we will begin moving into more difficult topics. Many of you will not see much need for most of them. If that is the case, it’s quite alright. Many practitioners don’t use magic for much other than helping with their daily lives. But for some, it’s a way of life, stretching the limits of reality for effects both big and small.”

“Like what?” one student asked.

In response, the professor’s talons clicked the floor again and he teleported across the room, much to the amusement of the students. “That is one of the benefits,” he said, teleporting back with a click. “But it’s much more difficult to master. It involves truly convincing yourself that you’re in another position, away from where you are. It might take the full year for some of you to master. And I’m sad to say that it’s likely some of you never will.”

“Why is that?” another student asked.

“Because not all of you will stay here long enough to learn,” he answered. “Many parents send students here for a minimum of two years, deciding they need little more. It’s a fair thought, since magic can be mastered on one’s own, but… disappointing. But enough of that. Does everyone remember their trigger?” The world shifted again. We were once more in the room, but about half the class was gone. The remaining half was older again. “Ah, it’s good to see you back,” the teacher said, himself seeming older and more grey. There was a multitude of replies from the students. “What do you think is left to learn here?” he asked, smiling.

“Combat?” one of the boys suggested.

“Well, yes,” the professor said with a nod. “But that’ll be later.”

“Healing?” a girl asked.

“That will be covered at the same time as combat,” the professor answered. “This year, we will focus on item manipulation.”

“Levitation was first year stuff!” one of the students at the front said.

“No, no,” the professor said with a gentle smile. “I speak of changing items. Transmutation.” One of his talons reached out and the other clicked on the floor, making a ball of dull metal appear in his hands. “Observe, lead to gold!” With another click, the dull grey began to shift into bright gold, turning the entire sphere into an object worth a princess’s virginity. “Bane of economies everywhere,” he said with a chuckle, dropping the ball. It disappeared before hitting the ground.

“Ridiculous,” Twilight muttered darkly.

“But it can be used for food and other purposes,” the griffin said. “So it’s good for everyone to know. Now let’s begin.” And once again, we shifted. There were even fewer students left and once again, everyone seemed older. “And here we are again. What do you think is the main subject for this year?” he asked. “And no, it’s not quite combat yet.”

“Conjuration?” one student suggested.

“Indeed!” the old griffin answered. “True life is impossible to create, but golems and other constructs can be brought forth to do our bidding… Or given a semblance of free will. And regular, everyday objects can be created out of nothing. A truly powerful mage can imbue special properties into his objects, giving them impressive abilities. Sadly, many of the runes used for the creation of truly legendary items have been long since forgotten.”

“Can’t they be recreated?” one of the students asked.

“Perhaps,” the griffin replied with a shrug. “But I’m merely a teacher. Maybe you can make that your life’s work, finding ways of creating new, powerful items. But such a thing isn’t part of this class. Now, you’ve all seen me create things before, but creating something with a semblance of thought is different. I’ll demonstrate, and then we can begin the lessons in earnest.” Once more, things shifted. We were again in the class. Less students, all older. “This year, we’re going to be learning how to manipulate living energy,” he said.

“Which means…?” a familiar male voice asked.

“Combat,” the griffin answered. “And healing. And other things of that nature. The first lesson that you must all learn is that it is impossible to simply will someone dead. Using magic against another person requires your will overtaking theirs, and even in the deepest of depressions, someone’s will to live is always stronger than their enemy’s will to kill them. That said, it is still possible to seriously injure or even kill somebody with what I am about to show you. Because of that, combat magic will never be practiced on another living thing. If I catch anyone here doing it for any reason, you will be sent home immediately and never allowed back in. The same is true of healing, until I decide that you are skilled enough to handle it unsupervised. Am I understood?”

“Yes, professor,” a chorus of voices answered him.

“Excellent. Let us cover the simplest of spells, then. A simple spike of ice taken from the water particles in the air…” Another shift, another year, another few less students. At this point, only five were left. “This is my last lesson,” the teacher said, seeming more old and grey than ever. “There is much more to learn after this. Necromancy, though that’s universally frowned upon and widely banned. Enchanting, though that’s very similar to creating new items. Runes, though you would have to find a minotaur to teach you many of those. Then there are just further and further fields of specialization. But this year, we will learn divination. Does anyone know what that is?”

There were no answers from the three ghost people, so I shrugged and answered, “Finding information?”

“Correct,” the griffin said with a nod. “The reason that this is saved for the last year is because many are unable to do much of it aside from the basics. Looking ahead into the future and seeking the truth in past events are both… difficult. Even I am unable to do it, though I can teach the methods.”

“How will we know if we’re doing it correctly?” one of the students asked.

“True foreseeing is impossible to mistake,” the professor answered. “But the number of seers in existence is truly small, so trust me when I say that any foresights you might make will be tested very ruthlessly by mages of all walks of life, each hunting for truth in the words. The best most can do is random shots in the dark, things that are true but with no context, no dates, nothing useful. But today is going to be an early day. My old bones are tired and teaching this subject will be fairly simple. I will see all of you tomorrow.”

Twilight and I shrugged and hopped off the floor, turning to face the door, which was thankfully our gate. The other students remained behind while we walked straight for it.

“You ready?” Twilight quietly whispered when we stood before it.

I pulled out my dagger and whipped out the baton, holding the blade with my good arm and the bludgeon in the weakened left. “Yeah,” I answered, stepping forward. We both entered the gate, thinking we were ready for anything.

And on the other side we found ten paper golems, each staring us down. Twilight gulped in fear next to me as the golems just stood before us, not moving.

“It isn’t often that patrons reach my room,” the voice whispered over the wind, tickling my ears. “Don’t mind the janitors. They’re harmless. Come, come! I want to get a look at you.”

I slowly looked down to Twilight, to find that she was looking at me, my confusion mirrored on her face. Seeing no answers there, I just shrugged, put the knife away again, grabbed the book—Magic and Its Uses: A Primer—and started walking forward, using the baton as a cane. Twilight slowly began following.

None of the golems reacted to our presence, not even watching as we walked past. Though one of them did walk through the gate we left behind, doing who knows what.

The room we were in was much nicer than the others we left behind. It didn’t have a roof, but there were no random stacks of books or any dead bodies around. All the shelves were neatly stacked and the books looked much newer and better taken care of than many of the others we passed. There was also furniture here, though most of it was simple. A few staircases leading to other parts of the large room, though we didn’t take any.

Finally, we came to a hunched figure sitting in a chair. The only piece of skin visible from where we were was a wizened hand. “So you found me,” she quietly said, the voice of an old, broken woman. “Congratulations,” she said as she slowly turned, revealing her disturbing visage. I think both Twilight and I flinched when we saw her face. Human… mixed with bird? What the fuck? “Relax, mortal,” she easily said, not standing.

Saying that is one thing, but doing it is something else entirely. Instead of hair, she had a head full of brown feathers that were about as long as my hair, hanging against her skeletal skull and going down her back. Her eyebrows were also replaced by feathers, the one on the ends resembling an owl’s, the way they stuck out. Her nose seemed more beak-like than anything else, though she also had a mouth.

Now that I got a better look at her, I could tell that her hand wasn’t so much wizened as it was changed, resembling something closer to talons than anything else. Her other hand had finger armor, covering them and ending in sharp points that seemed blackened by something, likely ink.

Her body was covered in a plain blue dress, thankfully blocking the rest of her. Several strips of either cloth or paper covered parts of her dress, each with black runes that seemed to pulse slightly with energy.

“What… what are you?” I asked.

“I was human, once,” she answered, slowly standing from her chair. “A long, long time ago. Then I became something else as I explored magic. I’ve been known by many names. One I believe you might recognize is Athena.”

“...Goddess of wisdom?” I asked.

“And knowledge. Though I am no god.” She looked behind me, under the cloak, and her head tilted like a bird. Suddenly she was behind me, pushing the cloak aside. “Something so beautiful, yet hidden and abused,” she whispered, caressing my barren wings and making me flinch in horror.

But to my amazement, as she moved her freaky hands over them, feathers instantly grew back. “Sweet Celestia,” Twilight whispered, her eyes going as wide as mine when she realized.

That got Athena’s attention, oddly. “Celestia, ruler of Equestria. Age, six thousand two hundred and forty-six. Threat level, minute. Power, waning. Influence, great. Status, worried.”

“Six thousand?” Twilight whispered, her eyes wide.

“Barely a baby,” Athena answered, appearing back where she was originally, standing before the seat. All of my feathers were once again returned, thankfully.

“Thanks for uh… the feathers,” I said.

“Did you find all that you sought?” the crazy bird lady asked.

“Not quite,” I answered. “Where’s the exit?”

“Upstairs. Book on pedestal. Did you find the knowledge you were looking for?”

“...Some of it?” I said, unsure of how to answer. After all, I didn’t exactly come here for anything in particular.

“The portal is always open,” she said by way of answer.

“What is this place?” Twilight asked.

“Pocket dimension. I created it as a way to store the world’s knowledge. Visitors come and either add to the collection or borrow from the collection.”

“Why is this place so dangerous?!” Twilight demanded.

“Knowledge has a price,” Athena answered.

“We could have died!”

I leaned down and gently snatched her hair, whispering, “Don’t antagonize people that can kill us!”

“Only those that desire knowledge the most may borrow from my library,” Athena said.

“But… there were so many husks!” Twilight said, completely ignoring my advice. “How many ponies have died here?”

Athena blinked and said, “Two thousand four hundred and fifty ponies have died within this dimension.”

“What about other races?” I asked, genuinely curious.

One of her eyes twitched. “Total count, 107,892. Humans, thirty-two thousand—”

“Enough,” I said, cutting her off. She stopped talking. “Do you know who Discord is?”

“Spirit of disharmony. Created before my birth. Origins and age unknown. Goals unknown. Threat level, immense. Power, waxing at an alarming rate. Influence, immense. Playful but dark. Must be destroyed.”

“Do… you know how?” I asked.

“...Unknown.”

“Will you help us do it?”

“The main goal of my research is killing him. Many proposed methods. None succeeded. His own attempt closest, thwarted by Anonymous, human.”

“Wait, what?” I broke in.

“Death by suicide. Method: Kill all life, nuclear war. Pockets of humanity left. Science used to create new life. Research headed by Anonymous, human. Machines created to guard young races and ensure proper evolution. Suicide failed.”

“...Well then. Do you know if he still wants to die?”

“Unknown.”

“Well, do you have any idea where we can start looking for ways to kill him?”

“Continue present path. Check in periodically. Book will take you straight to me.”

“Awesome. Can you think of anything else we should know?”

“No.”

“How do you do magic without a horn?” Twilight butted in.

Athena looked at her and blinked. Then she held up both of her hands, away from each other. “Magic,” she said, clenching one. “Spells,” she said, clenching the other. The hand for ‘magic’ enclosed the hand for ‘spells’. “Spells are a subset of magic. Magic is not a subset of spells.”

“...What?” Twilight asked.

I said, “Magic can exist without spells but spells can’t exist without magic.”

“Correct,” Athena said with a nod. “Magic is universal. Spells require components.”

“But… I don’t use anything for my spells!” Twilight said.

Athena blinked forward, standing right in front of Twilight, and tapped her horn with the finger armor things. “Component.”

“...Oh. But that’s silly! Why would spells exist… if…” She suddenly petered out, remembering some of the books we went through. “Oh Princess, how could you…?”

“Can you teach magic?” I asked the bird chick.

“Unknown. You have a primer. Learn. If you figure out the basics, teaching the rest is easy. Can you learn magic?”

“Probably not, no,” I answered with a shrug. “But it’s worth looking over.” Silence took over then, since I couldn’t really think of anything else to ask. So I just said, “Well, it was nice meeting you. I’ll check back in on you in a few weeks, I guess.”

“Bring fresh fruit,” she said before turning and moving back to her seat.

“Right. Come on, Twilight.” She was too shocked or depressed to do much more than follow me as we walked back the way we came. None of the janitors were present in the big open area that time. We just went up one of the staircases, since it seemed like they both went to the same place. In the center of the balcony was a pedestal with the mirror of the book that originally brought us there. “Thank God. Let’s get out of here,” I happily sighed.

“...Yeah.” As we walked, I collapsed the baton again and slid it into a pocket, happy to be almost free.

“Cheer up,” I said, patting her back warmly. “Almost free. Then we can both get some rest and food. Lord knows we need it.”

“It’s just… Celestia’s been lying for so many years!”

“Well, yeah. I could have told you that. Now, you ready to go?”

“...I guess.”

I nodded and opened the big book on the pedestal. Once more, inky tentacles shot out and grabbed the two of us, pulling us through. We suddenly appeared in the command room of my ship, in the middle of a group of soldiers that seemed geared up for war. They all stared at us in shock and confusion.

“Sup?” I asked with a nod.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen—Return to Ponyville

Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen—Return to Ponyville

By the time Cadance finally left—which took too damn long since she was trying to avoid being at the Gala with the plug—I was able to actually stand and move around. Flo decided that meant we could paint instead of forcing me to sleep. She decided to paint The Starry Night next, though that one wasn’t for Blossom. I had no idea what kind of price Fancy Pants would be able to get for it, because art usually only gets famous for two reasons: The name of the person who painted it and it getting stolen enough times.

By the time she finished, the sun was just barely creeping up above the horizon. “You know, I just realized that I have no plans anymore,” I said while she was adding any little finishing touches that girls always think things need.

“You didn’t have any plans when you got here, either. First, you need to get this checked by Celestia. Then you need to send it to Fancy Pants. After that, the day is ours. Why don’t we spend it with Taya?”

“That’s probably not a bad idea, though I really don’t know what we’d do. I guess she can watch me paint, or we can do more with metal. That was weird, but neat, and she seemed to enjoy it.”

“You could take her back to Ponyville. Some of the ponies there would enjoy seeing you.”

“It would also be a good place to wait for my period to die out, since there are so few stallions there. But that would mean letting them all know I’m a chick now.”

“Pinkie and Rarity are already there, Nav. I bet the whole town knows. Twilight’s probably heading there soon, if she hasn’t already. You could go with her. And it would also give you a chance to check up on Spike.”

“Hell no. I’m not going to see Reginald on my period. If he was mentioning my scent before, I’d hate to see how he’d act now.”

“...That’s a good point. You could still go to Ponyville, though.”

“Yeah. I also have to decide if I want to go back to the ship or not. It’s finished, but living in the palace has benefits.”

“You should at least check up on it. If there were complications, it would be better to know now than later. But moving back or not is something you should leave up to Taya. She might prefer the beds here or the food here. You don’t really need either.”

“Then I guess we’re back to waiting for her to wake up. Want to start another painting?”

Before she could answer, my door slammed open and in walked Jak. “I need your book, Navarone,” he said as I flinched toward him. Thankfully, Flo jerked my hand back so I didn’t ruin the painting.

“Jesus, dude. You ever hear of knocking?”

“Once. Where is the book to that realm?”

“In that bag,” I said, waving to the bag it was in. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll fly it up to the ship for you.”

“There is no need,” he said. “I can just use it myself.”

“If you use it yourself, you’ll have to fight your way through the maze on your own. If you use it with me, you can go straight to Athena. And unless the airship is parked right outside of the palace, I can get ready to go and fly to it faster than you could get there by walking.”

“Perhaps it might be wise if I did fight my way to her. That way, I could use the book later without your assistance.”

“I’m not gonna doubt your fighting skills, man, but there were things in that book that couldn’t be killed without magic, or alone. It would be good to have more people with access to the book, but I’m not gonna let you do it alone.”

“Hmph. You sound like my daughter. Get ready, then. We may as well discuss things on the walk to the ship.”

“Well, give me about twenty minutes and I’ll be ready.” He didn’t move, aside from crossing his arms. “...Are you just going to stand there?”

“That was the plan, aye.”

I just shrugged and set the painting stuff down, then hopped up and walked to the bathroom, removing clothes as I walked. “Suit yourself, man.” He didn’t reply. The dude was probably old enough to be my grandfather and he supposedly had respect for the ‘forerunner’ or whatever, so I didn’t really expect him to do anything creepy.

A quick shower and change of clothes later and the two of us were on the way, the large tome in a bag on my back. “I don’t know how you will take this, human, but my assistant seems to enjoy your presence more than he should,” Jak said.

“I’m well aware,” I dryly replied. “He goes far out of his way to show it. I was hoping I would have curbed it, but I guess not.” Part of the reason for sleeping with him was to hopefully make him shut up, after all.

“Would you like me to assign him more work? If his mind is occupied on that, it won’t be occupied on you.”

“He’s your assistant. I won’t pretend to know what you should do. Let Smiles stew on me if he wants. I don’t really care, as long as all he does is think about it.”

“It is… nice to know you respect my authority. Many leaders prefer to step into the business of those they lead when their attention is not wanted or needed.”

“Most of the people under me have more experience than I do. Why would I want to get in their way?”

“It’s good to hear the forerunners share practical thoughts.”

“It’s probably not a good idea to base your thoughts on the rest of humanity on me. I mean, I may be perfect, but the same can’t be said for most other humans.”

“Ah, it seems humility is a trait you lack. Would you care to talk about the past, perhaps?”

“Sure, let’s talk about yours. You said you had a daughter, right?”

“That is not quite what I meant,” he slowly replied. “I was hoping to discuss humanity.”

“Why? Humanity’s dead and gone, at the moment. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“It’s always worth discussing the mistakes of others, so that we may not one day repeat them. You say humanity is dead. How did they die?”

“Hubris, in a way. The demon we’re on a trip to fight is the same one that killed my people. Our pride gave him the tools he needed to ensure our destruction, though I still don’t know the catalyst he used.”

“But what could kill off an entire race? Surely your people weren’t all congregated in one area.”

“Oh, we weren’t. But if you burn the seas and the skies and scorch all the earth with poison, it doesn’t matter where you were, you’re still going to die. I don’t know the specifics or how long we lasted after the last great war, but the moment the first bomb launched, all that was left was to sing our swan song. And that’s why you exist. I only know the barest of details about our demise, sadly.”

“Surely you could tell me more about your people, though. Their history. Their culture. Their everyday life. Beings that could create explosives powerful enough to kill the world must have had interesting lives.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “I don’t know what to tell you, man. Look at this world, all the different cultures it has. Earth is the same way, though we were all humans. We had the entire planet populated and every few hundred kilometers had a different culture and a different history. I could tell you some of the basics, but it would take days. If I had to use one word to describe my race, it would be survivor. That’s what we were, until we weren’t anymore.”

He looked down as we walked, finally getting out of the actual palace. “It is… disappointing, in a way, to be told that the famous forerunners that created us were not themselves perfect and united. And that one of the only ones left has so little desire to spread knowledge of them.”

“Thinking and talking about it is depressing. How would you feel if you were the only survivor of your kind and someone asked about minotaur history?”

“I would be proud to share our accomplishments and pleased that someone had an interest in the dead.”

I guess it’s easy to say that when you never walked in these shoes. I just sighed and shook my head. “Fine. Ask a specific question and I can try to answer. But honestly, you’re better off asking Athena. I was young when I came here, after all.”

“You’re still young. We wouldn’t allow any of our people to leave Minos at your age, not unaccompanied. Especially not a pretty lass like yourself.”

“Except I’m not really a chick. Do you have a question or not?”

He snorted and started asking about where I came from in specific. As we walked and talked out in public, I started noticing something I really didn’t want to notice: cameras. And with those cameras were very obvious reporters, or at least people that seemed ready to write. They were, of course, following me and surreptitiously taking pictures.

It took me a full fifteen minutes to notice them. After that, it took me less than fifteen seconds to get tired of it. I walked up to the first one I saw doing it, that happened to be a shifty pegasus. As soon as he realized I was walking toward him, he tried shooting away, but I snatched him by the tail and forced him back down, because fuck physics.

“So, mind telling me why you’re taking pictures?” I asked as he continued to struggle to get away.

After a few more seconds of fighting, he gave up, sagging slightly. I still didn’t let him go, so he just turned his head to me. “We wanted an interview, but we all know how you handle giving those. So instead, we settled for following you until you looked like you were in a good mood.”

“And the pictures?” I sighed.

“Good for the papers on a slow day. Nothing that interesting happened at the Gala this year, so we needed something…”

“How’d you even know I’d be out here? Or do you just have people watching me? You aren’t the only one following me, I know that much.”

He sighed and pulled an envelope out of his camera bag, and then passed it to me. “Our source told us to give you this if you caught us…” I grabbed it and stuffed it into one of my larger pockets.

“Well, I caught you. Now fuck off before Jak here rearranges your face. He doesn’t like having his conversations interrupted.”

As soon as I mentioned his free facial reconstruction opportunity, his ears shot down. He sped away as soon as I released his tail. I just shook my head and started walking again. Of course, Jak continued walking next to me.

“I wouldn’t have hurt him, you know,” he said.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t know that. Most ponies are afraid of the unusual, and you’re unusual to them.”

“Hmph. These days, there’s little to be afraid of. My fighting days are long over, if I have my way. What does that letter say?”

“I’ll read it when we get to the ship. You got any more questions?”

In the five extra minutes it should have taken to get to the ship, I scared off two more reporters. Both gave me envelopes that I promptly shoved into the same pocket. From the short glimpses I got before doing so, I could see they all looked the same.

Finally, Jak and I were standing on the deck of the ship in front of a large tarp. “Why’s it covered?” I asked.

“The captain thought it would attract too much attention. A large metal moving statue probably would, so I agreed to have it lie down and then cover it. I tested it last night. It doesn’t have the full range of motion or abilities that her golems have, and it is by no means any kind of intelligent, but it moves and follows basic commands. It is… a starting point.”

“Well, let’s see it,” I said, nodding at the tarp.

He smiled widely and whipped the tarp off, revealing a gleaming metal minotaur. Personally, I was expecting something… less minotaurish and more humanoid, but it makes sense that a different race would make golems to look like themselves. “Sudo stand,” Jak ordered. The thing slowly started to stand.

“...Sudo?” I sighed, already hating myself for getting the reference.

“I needed a command word,” he said with a shrug. “Pseudo. False. It seemed amusing, so I went with it.”

“Oh, that pseudo.” By that point, it was standing tall, which let me get a better view of the runes engraved into the thing. A lot of it was blank, but the spots that weren’t seemed to glow slightly blue. “Well, you want to deliver it?” I asked.

“Of course. That’s what we’re here for, is it not?”

I pulled my bag around and then grabbed the book. “Well, let’s see it walk,” I said, looking back up to it.

“Pseudo follow commander,” Jak said. The golem slowly stepped forward, its knees unbending. “Not too fast or pretty yet, but it’s a start.”

“That it is. Here’s hoping Athena finds it respectable.” I turned so the book faced all three of us, then opened it. Two seconds later, Jak and I were standing in Athena’s hellish realm. “Where’s the golem?”

And then Athena was before us, sitting on the stand with the closed book. “So my pretty birdie and large bull have returned,” she said, peering at us with intense apathy. “Why have you come?”

“To deliver your golem,” Jak said. “But it didn’t come with us.”

Athena blinked and suddenly held up a scrap of paper with a rune cut into it. “Your first lesson, half-man. This symbol allows travel between realms, giving access to teleportation and my portal book.” Jak took the paper with a very strange reverence. “I am almost eager to see the finished product,” she said, suddenly standing on the other side of the pedestal. “So don’t come back until you have it.” With that, she opened the book toward us, sending us back into the overworld.

“She really worries me sometimes,” I said to myself as Jak immediately started walking to the stairs leading down. The golem started following and he wouldn’t have really fit, so I said, “Pseudo stop.” Thankfully, it stopped. Jak didn’t even notice, so he got down the stairs with no worries.

Since no one seemed to be on deck, I started circling the golem, getting a better look at it. Jak didn’t seem to bother with fine details, meaning no abs or hair. The entire thing was seamless, so I had no idea how it was walking. Magic, assumably; metal isn’t exactly that malleable without a lot of heat, after all.

“Wonder if we could attach a dildo to you,” I mused to myself, tapping its arm with my knuckles.

“If you’re that desperate, I’m sure we can work something out with the crew,” Gourd suddenly said, hopping down from the wheel deck where he had apparently been hiding.

“You wouldn’t be so lucky,” I replied, barely sparing him a glance before looking back at the golem. “The ship okay?”

“Yeah, we’re good. Short of getting hit by lightning, nothing should be taking us down.”

“And with a good weather pegasus on board, that shouldn’t be a problem. Do we have room for a few more of these things?” I asked, tapping the golem again.

“Oh yeah. Especially if they can fight. They’ll be heavy, but we were carrying some scrap metal anyway so it’s not like it’ll matter too much. And if we can carry a giant drill and twenty extra passengers, I’m sure we can find place to put these things. We just gotta keep them from the edge, because getting them back up is going to be hard since they’re so resistant to magic.”

“Magic resistant?” I asked, finally looking back at him.

“Yeah. Jak put some kinda rune on them he found on that paper you gave him that made this thing really hard to use magic on. It’s possible, but hard. We’d have to use ropes to get this thing back up.”

“Yeah, I remember the paper golem being immune to Twilight’s magic. It was… not fun. But as long as ours don’t start rampaging, we should be fine. But stopping one of these monsters will be harder than stopping a paper one.”

“That will never be our problem,” Jak said as he stepped out from below deck, carrying what looked like a blowtorch.

“If there’s a codeword, someone can figure it out,” I said. “All it takes is one of us saying it once and they can learn it.”

“True. I will ask Athena for ways to defend against that.” He put on a pair of welding goggles that barely fit on his large face, then said, “Watch your eyes.” Gourd and I looked away, so Jak started torching the symbol onto the back of the golem. As it melted in, I heard him whispering something, but I don’t know what he was saying. After about a minute, an even brighter flash came from the statue, followed by a sudden lack of light as Jak turned the torch off. “That should do it,” he said, pulling the goggles up to get a better look at his new etching.

“So you ready to go back?” I asked, hefting the book.

“Aye. Stand back, Captain.”

“I definitely want no part in that,” Gourd said as he began walking back up the stairs. “Not after the stories I heard.”

“Smart man,” I said right before opening the book. This time, the golem got pulled in with me and Jak. Athena was sitting on the platform’s railing right behind us as we got in, so she got to see the golem first.

“Less human than I was expecting,” she said, suddenly shifting to its shoulder. “It is a nice statue, but can it move?”

“It can,” Jak said. “Pseudo walk.” At its first step, Athena teleported off and to the side, to watch it move. “It’s extremely basic, but this is more than any minotaur could have done a year ago. Pseudo return.” The golem started walking backwards to where it had originally stood.

“It is very crude,” Athena said with a nod. “Using command words is an interesting concept, but very dangerous. I shall teach you, if you and your golem can pass a test.”

“And what test is that?” Jak asked, a hint of hope in his eyes.

“Walk my labyrinth, just the two of you. After all, it would not do to disturb your beautiful commander every time you needed to visit.”

I sighed and shook my head, knowing already what his answer would be. “How long do I have to complete it?” he asked.

“Until you die. Complete it whenever you want, as long as you complete it. Your teaching won’t begin until you do.”

That was my point to break in. “Can’t you just waive the rule for him?” I asked. “Your labyrinth is hell.”

“I cannot waive the rules, no,” she said. “If he wants to learn from me, this is what he will do.”

“And I will do it,” Jak said, nodding. “Come, Navarone. Let us prepare.”

God dammit. “Fine. But whatever happens is your own fault.”

“I am old. I know the consequences of my actions.”

“Whatever. And I’m not beautiful,” I said, directed at Athena.

“Perhaps you need a better mirror,” she said with a shrug before disappearing, probably to look at more books.

“Weirdo,” I muttered, turning back to the book. I finally opened it, sending us back to the real world. “If you’re actually going to do this—”

“I’ll need weapons and armor,” he said. “I’m well aware. There is a minotaur embassy in Canterlot. They will be able to lend me most of what I need. I already know all your tales of what it is like within the book realm, so you are no longer needed.”

“Bah. The only advice I’ll give you is bring a bag, then. You’ll need some way to carry the books you get and any magic items you might want to keep.”

“I doubt I would keep any items, but books will be nice. And I will also want to bring food, since you were in there for several hours. Maybe a pillow, since I’m older than you.”

“Just remember that you’ll have to carry it.”

“I have a perfectly serviceable golem to carry things. I must go get ready.” He gently tugged the book from my hands. “I will see you later, Navarone.”

“Good luck,” I quietly said as he walked down the stairs. When he was gone, I just shook my head and jumped off the side, flying back to the castle. Since my window there was open, I let myself in and sat on the bed, prepared to think.

When I did, though, I felt something in one of my pockets that wasn’t supposed to be there. I dug out the envelopes I took from the reporters on the way to the ship and tore one open, already hating myself for having to read them.

Dear Navarone the cute, your adorable attempts to dissuade me will only make me try harder. Turning my ‘husband’ on me? My my, that was a new move entirely! But I know how much you cherish your precious privacy. I also know how much you cherish your special ‘alone time’ with the princess. And dear me, I definitely know how you want your daughter to be left out of your fame.

Maybe you should rethink coming to my party, Lady Navarone. After all, I’m very good at getting what I want, and I definitely want you. Make things easy for the both of us and just give in, or I will definitely make things hard for you.

~ ♥ Fleur de Lis

“...So she wants to play hardball, hm? You thinking what I’m thinking, Flo?”

She sighed and said, “No, Navarone, you can’t kill her and leave her in a ditch somewhere. You also can’t sell her into slavery. If you go to Ponyville, she almost definitely can’t bother you. That was the plan, was it not?”

“True enough. Bet I can also play her off Cadance.”

“Bad Nav. Cadance is your friend, not a tool. Fleur almost definitely won’t follow you to Ponyville, and if she does, you’ll have the home field advantage. Just let it go.”

“Let it go? She fucking challenged me. Why should I just let her get away with that?”

“Because not going to her party means you win, no matter what else happens. You should keep it at that, because you aren’t the only one she’s threatening.”

“Yeah… I need to let Celestia know. In fact, I should do that now, before Taya wakes up. I can also tell her that the next painting is finished.”

“Both of those are good ideas. And of course, Celestia might have an idea on how to deal with Fleur.”

“I hope it involves whips and chains,” I whispered darkly as I stood back up.

“You are so, so perverted.”

“Yeah, it’s fun. Where do you think Celestia would be?”

“Either her breakfast room or—” A knock at the door drowned out whatever she was saying.

Since that probably meant either Taya or a maid, I immediately went to answer it, shoving the letter back into a pocket. Sure enough, there was a maid on the other side. This was a different one, since the other presumably didn’t want to see me after our art history discussion. “Princess Celestia sends her regards, Sir Navarone, and would like to invite you to breakfast.”

Convenient. “An invitation I’m happy to accept,” I said. “Is she in the breakfast room right now?”

“She requested her breakfast in her personal chambers, sir. Do you know the way?”

“Yeah, I can get there. Is she feeling alright?”

“As far as I am aware, she is. It is not unusual for her to break her fast in her room after important events such as the Gala, or so I’m told.”

I just shrugged and said, “Works for me. I’ll go there now. Thanks for the message.”

“It is a pleasure to serve, Sir Navarone. Do you require anything else?”

“Nope.” Or at least, not unless you like the taste of blood. I do enjoy toying with maids… “Go back to your regular duties, I guess.”

“Of course,” she said with a small bow. She went one way down the hall while I went the other, after making sure to close my door.

“So… you ever think about living here?” Flo asked.

“I am living here,” I said.

“I meant permanently. Plenty of help, easy to access food, you don’t have to do your own laundry… You know you enjoy it.”

“I enjoy it because I know it’s temporary. I couldn’t stand being pampered for too long. Doppel’s nice because she isn’t a complete pushover. I get a feeling that the maids and the butlers here would jump as soon as I ordered it and wait until they’re in the air to ask how high. Why would I live here anyway? I have my own house.”

“True, you do. But will you be content to stay there after this quest is done? You like your privacy, yes. But you also thrive in dangerous situations. There aren’t too many of those in or near Ponyville, not for you. The next best thing would be politics. You surely can’t get any closer to things than being here in Canterlot.”

“Bah. Besides, once this quest ends, I’ll have to help the humans. They would be much better off with my help, once it comes to establishing relations with the other races. I’ll have to wait and see where they need me before deciding what exactly I’ll do after this quest.”

“...The humans won’t be the only ones to need you,” Flo quietly said. “There’s Taya. Your friends. Celestia. And… me.”

“I never really did ask about your plans after all this. What are you going to do?”

“I will need to discuss things with my sisters first. If I have my way, I’ll retire from the world as much as I am able. From what I’ve been able to glean, most of them want to help shape the world’s future. But most of them weren’t trapped as I was trapped. Seeing the ocean again will be… marvelous. But of course, I would hate to leave you behind. I would like to retire from the world, but your journey is far from over. Perhaps I will spend time at your side.”

“I would definitely like that. You know you’re welcome with me wherever I go.”

For some reason, I felt a very pleasant warmth in my head when I said that. It also kinda killed the conversation, so that was that.

When I got to Celestia’s room, I knocked before letting myself in anyway. Celestia was actually in her sitting room or whatever she called her anteroom, and was just looking up from her breakfast when I stepped inside. “Good morning, Nav,” she said with her typical warm smile. “Hungry?”

“Not particularly, but I need to eat anyway.”

“Yes, Cadance told me about your… fainting spell last night, and the valiant guard that helped you to your room. The valiant and… sexy guard.”

“I think Captain Midnight would be somewhat upset if I ever called her that,” I said as I took my seat at the table across from her. “It’s true that I was feeling somewhat under the weather last night, but I’m better now. I still need some food to help, though.”

“Hm. And what caused that condition, I wonder?”

“Well, you’re free to wonder,” I said with a shrug, starting to eat.

“The last I heard, you were leaving the party with Sir Fancy Pants. Did he do something, perhaps?”

“Nah, that dude’s cool. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, Celly. I’m fine and that won’t be happening again.”

She snorted when I called her pretty, and answered, “I always worry when my… friends feel ill. Especially when I know they’re hiding the cause from me. What happened in the garden last night, Navarone?”

“I was having a tryst with a guard, things got out of hand with my… bleeding issue, and I passed out because of it.” She went crosseyed looking at her horn, which didn’t glow. I mean, I was technically telling the truth, after all. “This isn’t an issue, Celestia.”

She looked back to me, her eyes narrowing slightly. “You know it’s inappropriate to do things with the guards and the maids, Nav. And there would be no helping you if Captain Blossom found out you were with one of her night guards. She may have helped you to your room, but she would turn on you in an instant if she thought you were abusing your rank for something like that.”

“That won’t be an issue. It wasn’t one of her guards.”

“...Now I’m interested. Most of my guards don’t like you. So one was more adventuresome than the rest?”

“Feel free to speculate all you want. I don’t kiss and tell when my partners don’t want me to.” Usually. Occasionally. Or at least, not when telling might risk getting her banished to Tartarus. “Is there anything else you wanted, or did you just want to pester me about my personal business?”

“It’s gossip, Navarone. That’s what mares do over meals.”

“Good thing I’m not a fucking pony, then, because fuck that shit. I’m happy to spend time with you, especially time that’s spent doing sexy stuff, but I don’t like gossip. But if you really want to deal with gossip, get a load of this.” I pulled the letter from Fleur out of my pocket and held it up for her.

She pulled it over with magic. “What’s this?” she asked as she unfolded it and started reading.

“A letter from someone I hate.”

When she finished reading, she looked back up. “Did she send this in the mail?”

“No. She gave copies to a bunch of tabloid reporters and told them to follow me and take pictures.”

“Hm… Do you remember Cadance’s dare of a public date?”

“Oh hell no.”

“Oh come now, it would be the perfect chance to ruin Fleur’s party. I imagine she would stop bothering you, too. Sometimes, bending your neck is the best way to deal with an opponent like her, especially if it gives you the perfect chance to stab her in the back.”

“I am absolutely not going to that party. You don’t understand what the party is about. I do, and I know that anyone that gets involved is automatically the loser, even if they think they came out on top. And I’m definitely not about to bend my neck for a second to that fucking trollop.”

“Oh? And what were you thinking about doing instead? These threats here are quite severe for somepony like you, and of course there’s nothing illegal about it. Unless she lays a hoof on you or actually threatens you with harm, there’s nothing I or any guard can do. She’s essentially free to stalk both you and your daughter.”

“Well, I happen to have a few changeling friends, one of which is enjoying herself in Canterlot. I was thinking about going back to Ponyville for at least a few days to see how everything’s going there. I figured I could leave Doppel here and tell her to pretend to be me until she has some people following her, and then turn back into herself. Or turn into Fleur doing something embarrassing. Nothing against the law about that, is there?”

“Impersonation is a crime, actually.”

“...What if Doppel had a mustache? I mean, I don’t have one. Fleur doesn’t have one. Taya definitely doesn’t. It can’t be impersonation if she doesn’t even look like us.”

She smirked and said, “Yes, that could certainly work. I suppose it’s a plan, then. How long are you going to be in Ponyville?”

“Few days, probably. There’s really not much for me to do there. Canterlot has a lot more going on. I figure that might be long enough to get the word that I’m in Ponyville, which will bring all the tabloid bastards back there. Then I can go back to bumming around Canterlot.”

“You know, you could just spend your time in the palace instead. Most civilians aren’t allowed here without permission, so you’d be safe from all but the most determined reporters.”

“Yeah, but I also have friends in Ponyville. I’m sure they’d be somewhat upset if I didn’t even stop by to say hi. What’s that stupid bullshit Twilight always spouts about the magic of friendship or something?”

Celestia sighed, rolling her eyes. “Don’t even get me started on Twilight right now. I swear, I spend two thousand years erasing and modifying history only for it all to blow up on my face in an instant when you found those stupid magic books.”

“My people have a saying, Celestia. Those that don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Your sister, for example, didn’t learn to not be a cunt, and now look at her. Learning from your past mistakes is important. Censoring history makes that impossible.”

“Not entirely true. I learned many lessons and I did my best to learn from the past. It… didn’t always work, but it did in many cases. It seems that I learned some of the wrong lessons, though. I thought that by censoring history and making my ponies happy, they would progress and learn to become their own power. Instead, they’ve grown dependent and mostly complacent. Then… you came in and started sharing knowledge you shouldn’t have.” She sighed and looked down. “I suppose that’s certainly one way to get them to start progressing.” She looked back up at me, her eyes hard. “But the lessons I’ve learned from history told me that in sharing your knowledge with three different races, you started a war, Navarone.”

“Perhaps. But at the moment, I imagine there’s one thing that little Miss Moonbeam hates more than her old apprentice.”

The glare she gave me for that told me that I most definitely struck a nerve. “There are some words that should not be said, and some knowledges that will not be shared. Chrysalis would murder you on the spot if you ever said that name. Do not say it aloud again.”

“Oh, I’m not rushing for the grave just yet, don’t you worry. After all, getting under your skin is just too much fun.”

“And if you keep it up, I’ll have to punish you.”

“Ooh, will it involve spankings?”

“I will definitely promise that you won’t enjoy it. I suggest going back to eating.”

“Tch, you’re no fun sometimes.” I actually was hungry though, so I finally went back to eating, though I made sure to do it as petulantly as I could. She made sure to happily nod at my good behavior, so I stuck my tongue out at her. When we were both good and finished, though, I almost immediately got bored of the silence. “So how did you enjoy the Gala?” I asked.

“It was certainly… different,” she said. “Talking to all the ponies while you were doing your best to make me moan was a very unique experience. I also wasn’t too pleased about the toys you left behind.”

“Shame. I figured they would definitely please you.” She just snorted. “Well, I also finished another painting. I figure you’ll want to look at that eventually, in case it traumatizes another one of your maids.”

“It wasn’t the painting that traumatized her, it was what you told her. I’ll go look at it after we finish here.”

“We’re not finished? I know I’m full.”

“Oh, we’re finished eating. But I want to try something. Something that might be sexy,” she said, standing up.

“I’m in,” I happily replied, hopping to my feet. “Do I get to be on top?”

“If it works, no. Now come along.” She started leading me into her bedroom, getting my hopes up. When we got into her actual room, I didn’t see any toys lying around, which killed at least some of my hope. But then, I knew she’d be hiding them. “Now, strip down,” she said.

I started doing so, but stopped when I got to my pants. “I’ll start… leaking when I take these off,” I said.

“It won’t be a problem,” she said with her happy little smile. I shrugged and started pulling them off as well. Before I could comment on ruining her carpet, Celestia’s horn lit up bright and I very unfortunately felt myself changing. Soon enough, I stood before her on all four legs as a filthy animal. “How do you feel?” she asked.

“Like a fucking horse, how do you think? If this is what you meant when you said something sexy, I’d rather just abstain.”

“Hm.” She started walking around me and stopped when she was behind me. Then, without warning, she used magic to pull my tail up. “That’s… strange. You don’t feel anything back here?”

“I feel you pulling my tail. And the air is cool. Oh, and I’m not fucking bleeding any more, so woohoo. Now turn me back.”

She dropped my tail and walked back in front of me. “Strange. I thought you would be in heat. You don’t feel any different?”

I snorted and said, “Humans are technically always in heat. We can breed at any time, so even if I was in heat as a filthy horse, I can’t imagine it would affect me.”

“It certainly affected you when you were a stallion.”

“Humans don’t have powerful pheromones. That’s probably why. So are we done here?”

“Not quite. I’ll be right back.” She started walking to the bathroom, shaking her rump at least a little more than was probably necessary. Either way, she successfully managed to steal my gaze until the door closed behind her.

“Well, this sucks,” I sighed, my body sagging. “Think she’ll actually turn me back?”

“Eventually,” Flo replied. “But you know her. She’ll have her fun first.”

“Ugh… Being the princess’s toy can be hard at times.”

The door behind me popped out and out walked Princess Breastia. “You know you love it,” she said, laying one of her hands on my back.

“I think you got things a little backwards,” I said. “You’re supposed to turn me human and keep yourself a pony.”

“Oh, I will. Eventually.” Her horn lit up and I began floating. She carried me to the bed and then plopped her pretty little ass down and draped me over her lap. “But first, let’s have some girl time.”

“I never agreed to this!”

“Consider it punishment for having an… encounter with a guard.” Her horn lit up again and she floated a hair brush over from her vanity. I closed my eyes and tensed up for a spanking, but instead, she started gently brushing my hair. “There, isn’t that nice?” she quietly asked as she ran the bristles through my hair.

“...No?” Although as much as I hate to admit it, it actually did feel good.

“That’s a shame.” She started vocalizing as she brushed all the little kinks out of my mane in an attempt to make it prim and proper.

“I didn’t enjoy this when the monkeys were doing it either, Celestia.”

“I will gag you, dear.” I sighed and set my head down on the bed. “Good girl.” She continued brushing my hair to her heart’s content, though I have no clue what kind of joy she could have gotten out of it. When she finally got tired of messing with my head, she carefully yanked at my tail and started brushing it, too.

“Alright, that feels weird,” I said, trying to pull it back. “You know I learned my lesson. Can’t we just—” Her horn lit up brighter and a ballgag appeared floating next to her. My ears flopped down and I just fell back onto the bed, resigned at my fate.

But I was telling the truth. Her brushing my tail felt really, really weird, especially since she kept pulling it up with each brush. The best word for it was exposed, I guess, like everyone was staring even though we were alone. It didn’t help that I kept feeling a rush of unpleasantly cool air against my vag.

Thankfully, my stupid tail wasn’t that long, so she had to give up after just a little while. Not so thankfully, she floated over a brush with shorter bristles and started brushing my fucking coat instead. It felt… strangely good, especially when she used long strokes that hit my flanks. Then her spare hand went up to my head and started scratching my ears.

As soon as she did that, I twisted my head and fucking nipped at her, biting her hand. She gasped and tried yanking it back, but I narrowed my eyes and held on, not letting her go. Then she dropped the brush with her other hand and pulled my wing up to press down on one of the nodes there. That surprised me enough to make me gasp and lose my grip. “Bad girl!” she said, swatting at my ass.

“This is your fetish, not mine,” I said. “You push me, I’m gonna push back.”

“I know it feels good,” she said, shaking the spit off her hand. “Everypony I’ve spoken to about it likes when you play with their ears.”

“Yeah, and you ain’t gonna do it to me. I’ll fucking kick next time. You like being treated like a pet. I don’t.”

“Then don’t think of it as me treating you like a pet. Think of it as me giving you a pleasure you’ve given me many times before. I’m just trying to help you feel what I feel. You know I don’t think you’re weak, and letting me pamper you like this isn’t going to change that.”

“God, why can’t we just fuck? That feels good and we can both enjoy it.”

“Because this is supposed to be a punishment.” She grabbed the brush again and continued brushing my coat. “Can I at least try your ears? You know I won’t tell anypony. Everything we do stays private.”

Ugh. There’s no fucking way to win here. “You have one minute. I’ll be counting.” Flo, would you kindly?

Celestia chuckled with glee as one of her hands went up to my ears and started scratching at them. It felt far better than it should have, which made both of them involuntarily sink down so she could have better access to them. While the hand working on my ears did its magic, the hand with the brush slowed to a crawl, focusing on my flanks, where my cutie mark would be if I had one. As… humiliating as it was, it sadly felt good.

When Flo told me a minute had passed, I honestly didn’t want to let Celestia stop. I pulled my head away anyway, because fuck her. “Time’s up,” I said.

“You know you liked that,” Celestia quietly answered, continuing to pet my back. It also felt good, but I smacked her hand away with a wing.

“If you’re going to put something in my mouth, it better be one of your nipples, not words. Are we done here?”

“No, not quite.” I suddenly found myself lifted again and then flipped onto my back. “I didn’t get to brush you here yet.”

One of her hands immediately started going to my tummy to rub it, but I pushed it away with as many hooves as I could. “Don’t you dare,” I hissed, glaring at her.

“Your resistance just makes me want it more, silly,” she said, though she didn’t make another move for it. “Why don’t you want it? And if you say it makes you feel like an animal, I’m going to be extremely upset.”

“Why?”

“Because you do this to us all the time. Pet us. Scratch our ears. Rub our bellies. You have no compunctions about doing this to any of us, and yet you’re insulted I would even think about doing it to you. Do you really still see us as animals? Your daughter? Your friends? Your lovers?”

“You enjoy being petted. You are soft and furry, so you are pleasurable for me to pet. You enjoy it, I enjoy it. Therefore, I pet you.”

She smiled and said, “You physically enjoy being petted. You are currently soft and furry, so you are nice for me to pet. You enjoy it, I enjoy it. What’s the problem?”

“It’s physically possible to cum from being raped, but that doesn’t mean you enjoy it.”

She sighed and dropped her hands to the bed. “I don’t get you Nav. I really, really don’t. You would happily let me stick something inside of you, but you refuse this. Hate it, even. It just… I don’t understand!”

“I’m not supposed to like it, Celestia. I’m a human. Rubbing my belly is weird, end of story. I hate being in this body and I hate the things it likes because of it.”

“Why don’t you want to explore all your body has to offer, like it or not? Are you afraid of liking it and possibly finding reasons to stay in this body?”

“How am I supposed to explain a phobia? Does it even matter? Just turn me back.”

“Nav, I want you to trust me. You already should know I won’t hurt you, but then you do this. Being with a mare is new to me and I want us to explore each other’s bodies, but you won’t even let me touch you in some places…”

“I wouldn’t let you rub my belly if I was a stallion, either. What is it with you and pushing me today? I already regret sleeping with that guard, so there’s no need to try to make me feel worse.”

She finally used magic to pick me up and then fell back onto the bed, draping me over her naked body so she could hug me. “Do you really not even realize I could be jealous, Nav?”

“...Jealous?”

“You left me at the Gala alone when you know I hate it there, and then went and had sex with a guard. You let somepony else… be your first time with anal, when I thought you would let me do it. Whenever we do spend time together, you seem to always want to make it about sex.” Like hell I do. “If you don’t think those things will trigger jealousy, you really don’t know much about relationships.”

“You already know I don’t know much about relationships. So you’re jealous. How is petting me going to make you feel better?”

“Because I know I’m your first when it comes to that, and I’ll always have that to myself. And it helps me feel like I have a better connection with you, since you trust me enough to let me do it even when you’re afraid of it.”

Christ, women are absolutely fucking weird. Flo, what the hell?

“If you ever want to get involved with Celestia romantically, you need to kiss her right now, then roll off of her and put her hand on your belly.”

I fucking hate you so much right now. Since Celestia was currently hugging me, all I had to do was lean up to kiss her. She seemed surprised by it at first, probably because she wasn’t used to her human mouth meeting horse lips, but got into it rather quickly. As soon as I felt her tongue pressing back, I broke the kiss and rolled over.

“If it really means that much to you, go ahead,” I sighed, looking away. When she sat up again and looked at me, I felt my ears drooping.

“Are you… sure?” she asked, hovering one of her hands over my belly.

God, this is so stupid. It’s just a fucking belly rub! “Just do it.”

She didn’t waste another second, lowering her hand down to my warm, fuzzy tummy and stroking it, making me flinch. My ears shrank back further against my head when I realized it actually felt good. It was warm, comforting, almost like scratching an itch I didn’t even know I had, but somehow so much softer. And it was utterly, utterly dominating.

I instantly despised it. So after god only knows how long, I pushed her hand away and turned on my side, curling up in a ball. “Fuck that,” I whispered, pulling even my tail further in.

Celestia seemed relatively happy anyway, though. She hugged me from behind and kissed me on the top of my head. “Thank you, Nav.”

“You’re fucking weird,” I said. “Now turn me back.”

One of her hands let go of me and pushed its way through my tail to my private parts. “So soon?” she asked, rubbing me in the rightest possible way. “I’d rather not get blood everywhere while we do this.”

So much for me always making it about sex. I just sighed.

Around lunch time, the painting was on its way to Fancy Pants, I was back to being the master race, Taya was lying across my lap reading a book, and there was a kitty standing in front of me. “So you’re leaving?” Kat asked.

“For a few days,” I said with a shrug. “And we won’t be going far. The ship can get there in less than half an hour, I imagine. That’s what we’ll be taking, since trains take so much fucking longer and Taya can’t fly.”

“I could if you let me cast that wing spell,” my obstinate daughter muttered.

“Am I still going to be staying in the palace?” Kat asked.

“If you want. Celestia said she was okay with it. Or you can go back to the ship. You might actually like spending some time in Ponyville, but the people there are… rustic. The ponies there will absolutely freak the fuck out over Spider, and not in the good way.”

“Then we’ll be staying on the ship. I do not like sleeping in this palace. It’s too colorful. Too… gaudy.”

“Yeah, it is. But the food’s nice and the maids are hot, so I can put up with it.” Not to mention our delightful hostess. “Any clue where Doppel is?”

“I haven’t seen her since before the Gala,” Kat said. “She might be in her room. Also, did you take up painting?”

“Yeah. I’ll have to find Doppel before we leave, because I have some stuff for her to do while we’re gone. You should start packing. Taya can teleport you and Spider up to the ship if you want, or you can wait until it gets back from dropping the two of us off.”

“I am not a fan of long distance teleportation,” she said, clutching at her stomach for a moment. “But I wouldn’t mind having the few things we brought teleported back. I would like to have my paws free when we travel through the city, just in case.”

“That’ll be doable,” I said with a nod. “You need any money to buy anything around town?”

“I still have some gold from the protection job. I doubt we will be buying anything anyway. The food on the ship is sufficient.”

“I don’t know about you, but while we’re in a city, I’d rather have real food than travel fare. Especially since there are some places in town that cater to omnivores. They have fresh meat and fresh fish.”

She shrugged. “Spider doesn’t have taste buds and I’d feel weird going to one of those places alone. Though to be fair, I’d also feel weird going to one with him.”

“I can take you there before we leave, then. Maybe invite Gilda, too.” Then we can get back and have a carnivore orgy.

“That would be nice. Now, I should go get everything together. I assume you wanted to leave soon?”

“Soonish. Celestia’s getting weird and I need a few days out of town.”

“Tell her to back off,” Taya helpfully suggested, though she didn’t actually look up.

“Doesn’t work that way,” I sighed, patting her back.

“Insulting or upsetting a host is ill-advised,” Kat added. “Especially one as powerful as she is. If she comes to bother you, it’s better to just leave for some time. What’s she doing?”

“Getting all emotional and shit,” I said. “We’ve had a thing going for a while and she’s trying to make it more than it is.” Sooner than I’d like.

“That’s certainly not something I want to be involved in,” Kat said. “Good luck. I’m going to go get ready.”

“Check on Doppel on the way, if you don’t mind,” I told her.

“Will do.” She left, pulling the door shut behind her.

“Do you need me to slap Celestia for you?” Taya asked, finally looking up from whatever she was reading.

“I do that plenty enough on my own, dear. You know, you’re about the right age for finding boys. Do you want any help picking one out?”

“Ugh. Even if I was interested, I don’t need your help, mom.”

“Hey, I can’t help that I know what boys like. Just don’t get too upset if I ever… accidentally seduce one away.”

She snorted and looked back down to her book. “Anyone you could distract wouldn’t be worth it anyway.”

“Whoa now, are you doubting me?” I couldn’t really see her face, but I imagined she rolled her eyes. “Well, you’re right, either way. Once a cheater, always a cheater, generally speaking. At least you’re straight,” I said, rubbing at her ears. “Most women are straight up crazy. Though I suppose a lot of guys aren’t really shining beacons of reason, either. I haven’t had to deal with as many of them, though.”

“You’re not exactly making me eager to find friends, daddy.”

“Well, you were hardly eager before. But just because most are crazy doesn’t mean you can’t find those that have the kind of crazy you can get along with. I mean, I’m crazy and you love me, right?”

“Daddy, you’re the sanest one here.”

I couldn’t and wouldn’t deny that, and the entrance of Doppel saved me from having to come up with a reply. “Did you need me, Master?” she asked.

“If you’re not busy, yeah. It’ll be pretty easy, I imagine.”

“I live to serve,” she said, doing her best to inject as much sarcasm as possible. “I was just sleeping off orgy exhaustion. All the rich and stuffy ponies were quite eager to play with me.”

“You probably could have made some easy money off them, if you wanted. But whatever. Taya and I are getting chased out of Canterlot by a bitch named Fleur de Lis. She has reporters out looking for both of us right now. While we’re out of town, I’d like you to disguise yourself as me until you get a few people following you, then change into Fleur and do something embarrassing. Or just change into yourself. Doesn’t really matter.”

“That sounds fun. But why can’t I just change into her and host another orgy?”

“Because that’s normal for her. She’s about as much of a slut as we are. And I happen to be good friends with her husband, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t get her into any actual trouble.”

“...Good friends or good friends?”

“He refused my offer, so just friends.”

“Weird. Maybe he’s gay.”

“...He’s married.”

She just shrugged. “Happy to help either way, Master. When are you leaving?”

“All our stuff’s already on the ship, so we’re just waiting on Kat. So as soon as she’s ready.”

As soon as I said that, a familiar pink horse stuck her head through the doorway. “Going somewhere?” Cadance asked. The rest of her body followed shortly after.

“To Ponyville for a few days,” I said. “Fleur’s threatening us with tabloids, so I figured the best way to strike back is to get out of town.”

She shook her head sadly. “Nav, when will you ever learn? You need to get the reporters on your side so you can do things like this. They wouldn’t be a problem if they liked you.”

“I fight like a man, not a woman. Doppel’s staying behind to make sure that all of Fleur’s friends in the tabloid industry mean nothing. After all, who wouldn’t want to report the fabulous and famous Fleur breaching all kinds of social niceties?”

That made her smirk. “Leave it to you to burn everything down behind you. Just remember that if you ever want to survive in Canterlot or, say, the Crystal Empire after you get back from your journey, you’ll need to learn more tact. I know you’re smart enough to be sly at times, but attacking your opponents directly is not a smart plan in politics. This would be some good practice…”

“Not when she’s threatening Taya. I have to protect the reporters, after all. No, getting away for a while is the best option.”

Cadance just shrugged. “Well, then I suppose you’ll be happy to hear that Twilight’s going to Ponyville soon, too. In fact, you could probably take the same chariot.”

“I’m down for that,” I said, nodding. “Saves Gourd from having to unpark the ship. Do you know when she’s leaving?”

“I saw her in the hall on the way here. She just said she would be leaving soon.”

“Then we should probably hurry. It shouldn’t take Kat much longer to get her stuff together.”

“Kat’s going? What about… the spider?”

“Nah, she’s staying here. She’s just not staying in the palace and wants her stuff on the ship. I told her we’d take care of it.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Cadance said, waving a hoof. “I can take care of it. You should go find Twilight before she leaves.”

“Eh, I guess that’s one way to start paying me back for telling Celestia.”

“Telling her what?”

“About last night.”

“What happened last night?” Taya immediately asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” I quickly answered, patting her head.

“Why would that be a problem?” Cadance asked. “You got sick. Celestia should know when something like that happens.”

“You got sick?” Taya asked.

“No, I didn’t. There was a clear reason for what happened, and I absolutely did not want Celestia to know. She was very displeased and made me suffer for it.”

“She got mad because you got sick?” Taya asked.

“Then what happened?” Cadance asked. “If there’s a ‘clear reason’ for it, what happened?”

“Well, you know how I’m bleeding down there?” Cadance’s ears flinched and she looked away. Doppel just rolled her eyes. “Well, I was doing inappropriate things. It got out of hand and I passed out. The captain found me and helped me get to my room. End of story.”

“So doing… things while you’re… in season can knock you out?” Cadance asked.

“I’m not in season. Humans don’t have estrus. And apparently it can. Now, I’m going to go find Twilight. Doppel, you have your mission. Good luck. Cadance, keep being adorable.”

“It’s all I ever do,” she said with a smile. Taya hopped down so I could stand up and she grabbed our few bags with magic. “Have fun in Ponyville.”

“Hopefully,” I said as I started to walk to the door. “Where was Twilight?”

“Walking back from the library,” Cadance said. “So she might well be in her rooms.”

“That’s where we’ll check,” I said. “Come on, Taya.” She mutely followed me as we left the room behind. Doppel also followed, but just to get to her room. Soon enough, it was just me and Taya walking through the halls.

“So what really happened last night?” Taya asked.

“Almost exactly what I said. I was doing inappropriate things in the garden, but the captain didn’t find me afterwards. She found me before, and helped with those inappropriate things.”

“...What kind of inappropriate things? Daddy, were you pranking someone?”

“...Yes.”

“You weren’t pranking somebody, were you?”

“We weren’t.” She just sighed and shook her head. “Taya, honey, you shouldn’t ask a question if you don’t want the answer. It’s amazing the number of women back home that never learned that lesson.”

“Well, at least I’m becoming a little more human,” she muttered.

“That’s not necessarily a good thing.” I mean, sure, humans are the master race, but everyone has a place. Under us, of course, but that’s still a place. “You are what you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

She just angrily sniffed.

When we finally got to Twilight’s room, she was just walking out, a bag held in her magic grip. “Oh, Nav! And Taya. I was just on my way to see you.”

“Good. I have… news,” I said, trying to make my voice sound serious.

“Uh… Is everything okay?” Twilight asked.

I knelt down and put a hand on her shoulder. “I… don’t know how to say this. I’m pregnant.” Her mouth dropped. “You’re the father.” She blinked. “Although now that I think about it, that joke isn’t as funny when I’m actually a woman.”

“That’s not funny at all!” she yelled, slapping my hand away. “What is wrong with you?!”

“You’re easy to get cheap laughs out of,” I replied with a shrug, standing back up. “Heard you were heading to Ponyville. Mind if we tag along?”

“Why would you even say that you’re pregnant? Especially if you were still a stallion! That’s not something to joke about!”

“Because it’s funny. Right, Taya?”

“Eh, kinda.” She didn’t sound that amused, but she rarely does.

“It is not funny. You have problems.” She huffed one last time and started walking down the hall.

Of course, Taya and I followed. “So yeah, you going to Ponyville?” I asked.

“I’m on my way to the chariot pool right now,” she said.

“Cool. Mind if we ride with you?”

That got her attention and she turned her head to me. “Why do you want to go? And better question, where’s Spike? Why isn’t he with you?”

Oh boy. How did I forget to tell Twilight? Shit. “After his… transformation in the south, he was… worried about some things. He asked me to take him to a dragon’s place so he could spend some time with an older dragon. So there’s where he is.”

“Nav! You can’t just leave him with some random dragon!”

“Spike is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He has wings, he can breathe fire, he has large claws, and he’s already stronger than I am. He can protect himself better than I can, now. Cut the apron strings, Twilight. He’s his own man now.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be worried about him! What if I left Taya at some random unicorn’s house back when I was teaching her, huh? How would you feel?”

“Somewhat worried, but I’d trust that you knew what you were doing. I don’t understand how magic works and what teaching it requires. You do, so I’d trust you.” Her eyes narrowed and she turned her head back, stalking on down the hall. “So yeah, mind if we ride with you?”

Her shoulders slumped. “Ugh. Why are you even going? I know you’ve been spending nearly every waking moment with the princess, since she always refuses to see me because she’s meeting with you.”

“That’s some bullshit, right there. I’ve spent some time with Celestia, yeah, but not much. She’s just avoiding you.”

Twilight sighed. “I thought as much…”

“We’re actually going to get away from someone else. I upset the wrong person and they’re threatening me with reporters. I figured it was best if we got out of town for a few days.”

“Take my place on the chariot. A certain princess just made time in her schedule for me.”

“Awesome. Give her a kiss for me.”

“No.” She pushed her floating bag into my hands. “Drop this off at the library when you get there. Something tells me I’ll be heading to Ponyville soon anyway.”

“Sure thing. Have fun.” Twilight started trotting back down the hall, letting me and Taya continue on down to the chariot area.

“Daddy, you’re weird,” Taya said as we walked.

“And you’re adorable. Some things just can’t be helped, Taya. You should learn to embrace them.”

“How do I… embrace being adorable?”

“Smile more. Laugh at jokes. Wear cute outfits or accessories.” Act more like a filly and less like a bitter midget. “Let the adorableness flow through you.”

“That’s weird.”

“It’s adorable that you think so.” She just groaned.

The ride to Ponyville was blissfully short, as it usually is. The guard pulling our chariot was happy to help, as soon as I explained that I had tits and he could look at them if he just shut up and took us to our destination. He dropped us off in front of the library and went on his way with just a few backwards glances.

Of course, everyone and their mother in Ponyville noticed both me and Taya when we landed, but no one bothered us immediately. Because of that, we stepped into the library unmolested.

“Welcome to Golden Oaks Library, Sir Navarone,” a stallion standing near one of the bookcases said. “I didn’t know you were in town.”

“I just got here,” I said. He blinked at my voice. “Are you the new librarian?”

“Yes sir. I have my own house, though, so I don’t actually live here. I assume you’re here for a room?”

“Maybe. The previous librarian will be coming back soon, though, and she definitely will. I’m just here to drop off her belongings. I might well head back to my own home tonight.” Or just let Taya stay in the library while I dick around. “Anything happening in town?”

“No sir, not that I know of. Did… something happen to your voice?”

“Yeah. Anything big happen here? I know how disaster prone this place is sometimes.”

“Oh, no sir. Ever since a few certain mares left some months ago, absolutely nothing of note has happened here. It’s been wonderful.”

“I hope it lasts, but somehow I doubt it. Most of them are back in town, aren’t they?”

“Yes sir. They came back just a few days ago. What happened to your voice, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I grew a vagina and lost my penis. I’ll just leave this bag here.” I set Twilight’s purple bag down next to the horsehead statue in the middle of the room. “That’s Twilight’s bag, whenever she gets here. Thanks for the information.”

“You… lost your…” Before he could actually work up the nerve to say penis, Taya and I had already left. Unfortunately, my record of not being bothered immediately ended.

“Yo, what up?” Vinyl asked, nodding.

And right next to her, at the same time, Lyra happily yelled, “You’re back!”

“Hey, can it, minty! I was here first!” Vinyl said.

“Psh, as if, marshmallow,” Lyra shot back.

“Ladies, please, you’re both pretty,” I said, kneeling down and hugging them both. “Of course, I’m prettier, but we can’t all be perfect.”

“You’re also a mare,” Vinyl said, hugging me back. “What’s up with that, dude?”

“A mare?” Lyra asked, also hugging me.

“Those cursed stones stopped working,” I said. “I happened to be in disguise at the time, so…”

“Bummer. You been broken in yet?” Vinyl asked.

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“Well, if you’re a mare now, you can go to the clam jousting club,” Lyra happily said, finally pulling away from the hug. Since she did, Vinyl also backed off, trying to pretend she didn’t like it.

“Not right now I can’t,” I said, tousling her hair and standing back up. “I’m going through some physical stuff right now and it would be a bad idea if I had sex.”

“You alright?” Vinyl asked.

“Yeah, it’s natural. It’s also nasty. Don’t worry about it.”

She shrugged, but Lyra didn’t. “We’re all mares here, Nav,” she said. “Nasty isn’t a problem, don’t you worry. There’s a meeting tonight. You should come! And then cum!”

“Thanks for the offer, but I can’t. I will definitely need a place to stay for a few nights, though. Does my house still have any spare rooms?”

“You bet it does!” Lyra gaily answered right before Vinyl shoved a hoof in her mouth.

“You’re staying at my place,” she said. “Come on, I’ll show you where it is.”

Lyra smacked the hoof away, glaring. “She asked me, thank you! And since I’m at her house, that’s where she’ll be staying.”

“Tch. That house is nice, but it’s way too far outta town. And come on, who wants to stay in a place with a bunch of brats? My place will be much more fun. Come on, Nav.” Vinyl grabbed one of my arms with magic and started pulling me off.

Lyra grabbed the other one and made me stop in my tracks. Before she could open her mouth for a rebuttal, Taya smacked both of them on their respective horns with her own magic, releasing my arms.

“Ladies, please, if you’re going to fight over me, wait until my daughter isn’t here first. We can’t make up together afterward if she is. Anyway, I never liked living in a place with a couple and living in a guest room in my own house would be weird, so I think I’ll be staying with Vinyl.” Of course, she did an adorable little hoof pump at that. “I’m only here for a few days anyway, so being in town would be nice. Lyra, I’ll definitely be sure to stop by to see how everything is going with you and Bonnie. When will you both be home?”

“We’ll come by tonight!” she said, then turned to glare at Vinyl. “And we’ll bring our wonderful foals, too.”

“Whoa now—” Vinyl started, but I stopped her by scratching at her ears.

“That would be nice,” I said. “We’ll be sure to have something ready. See you tonight, Lyra.”

She watched my hand somewhat eagerly as it played with Vinyl, but she just nodded. “Alright, Navi. See you at seven!” With that, she started trotting off down the road, her tail swaying merrily.

“Well, that’s nice,” I said, turning back to Vinyl. “So where do… what?”

She didn’t look all that happy, that’s for sure. “Isn’t it a little early to invite random ponies to my house?” she asked.

“You’ll be fine. And making friends in your new town will be good for you. Especially hot lesbian couples that are down for threesomes. Now c’mon, I wanna see your new place.”

She sighed and shook her head, turning in a random direction and walking away. “I guess you know this place better than I do. So how you enjoyin’ your new body?”

“Absolutely hate it. One thing I made sure not to share with most ponies is that our females bleed out their snatches for a week every month. I’m in that fucking week.”

“That buckin’... sucks, dude. Like, really. Can’t you just put a bandaid on it or somethin’?”

“Let’s see you try pulling a bandaid off the most sensitive part of your body.”

“...Good point. Does it hurt?”

“Yes. It comes with cramps, bloating, occasionally headaches, occasionally mood swings, and general irritability. It can also make me extremely horny at times, which sucks because no one wants to deal with that.”

“You have two holes for a reason,” she replied with a smirk, swishing her tail. “You aren’t bleedin’ from there, right?”

“That is one way only. Also, not in front of Taya. She’s still mostly innocent.”

“Whatever makes you feel better, daddy,” Taya flippantly replied, lifting her nose at the thought.

I sighed, shaking my head. “Being a parent is hard at times. But she’s so cute that it’s worth it,” I said, pinching Taya’s cheeks.

“Ugh, daddy, please! They’re staring!” Only a few were staring, and they were looking at me, not Taya. Still, that’s something I had always wanted to hear from her, so I made sure to kneel down and hug her.

“Let them stare,” I said. “Doesn’t bother me any.” She groaned and tried to push me away with her hooves. I didn’t let go, of course. After all, it was my job to embarrass her.

Vinyl also seemed to think it was amusing. “Enjoy it while you can, filly,” she said. “Next thing you know, he’ll be kicking you out because you’re dating somepony he doesn’t trust and your music’s too loud and he wanted a son, not an ungrateful daughter.”

Well, that got dark quickly. It also got me to stop hugging Taya, so maybe it was what she wanted. “Let’s be on our way,” I said, continuing to walk. The others joined me, of course, with Vinyl taking her spot at the front. “So what made you move here, anyway?” I asked.

“Change of scenery. And it’s not so much that I moved here. More that I got a house here. It seemed pretty nice all the times I was here visiting you, so I figured I’d give it a shot. I had money to burn anyway, so I just got myself a nice house in the area. It’s a nice place to go when I get some time off. And since I heard you were back, I figured you’d be coming here soon. So here I am.”

“Cool. I saw Octavia back in Canterlot, but I didn’t have a chance to speak to her. You both doing alright?”

“Oh yeah. Swamped, though. We both have more gigs than we know what to do with. And after the stuff you gave us, we have more money than we’ll ever know what to do with. Not that, you know, she needed more anyway. What about you? Aside from getting gender swapped, everything going alright?”

My mind instantly flashed back to some of the hellish stuff I had been through while I was gone. Almost getting killed by Miguel. Getting blinded by dark magic. Fighting Sombra. Seeing a pony burned alive right in front of me by ghosts. Almost dying in Athena’s realm. The spiders. Becoming a queen. The bunker from hell. Celestia’s creepy possessiveness.

I shrugged. “About par for the course,” I said.

“Same ol’, same ol’, huh? Didn’t you always say your life sucked?”

“Sure did. I’ve been through about eight of the nine layers of hell, only skipping the nicest one.”

“Sucks. You’ll have to tell me some stories later.”

“Maybe. Heard it’s been pretty boring here, though.”

“Oh yeah. The first time I visited you here, I didn’t know how you could ever stand to live in a place that’s boring. After a few years of living the highest life possible, I think I’m starting to understand.”

“Figured you would. Anything coming of rock and roll?”

“Yep. And just like you said, most of the older ponies hate it. But it’s definitely taking off with the ponies our age.”

“Figured it would. Though I have no clue how old you are.”

“Well, this is me,” she said, stopping in front of a large house. “I only have two guest rooms, though, and I think we’ll be getting another guest soon. I’m sure you can figure out rooms on your own, though.”

“I don’t sleep, so I just need a place to keep my clothes. Who’s gonna join us?”

“Oh, you’ll see,” she said, walking up to her door. “C’mon, I’ll show you the ropes.”

Not like there’s really much to show about a house, but alright. We both followed her inside and she gave us the grand tour that wasn’t very grand since the place was pretty small. Smaller still, since it was made for ponies. It was pretty cozy, though, which was definitely nice.

“So what do you think?” she asked when Taya and I were dropping our shit off in our room.

“It’s nice. A bit smaller than what I’d expect you’d get, though.”

She waved a hoof. “Easier to buy one than to have one built. Besides, this is my comfortable home away from the city. Making it too big would defeat the point.”

“True enough. Well, I think I’m gonna go for a walk around town and talk to some friends. You’re welcome to join me, if you want.”

“Nope, you’re not,” she said, smirking again. “You gotta get cookin’.”

“...Cooking?”

“You invited that weird mare over tonight. That means you gotta feed her.”

“Oh come on, you’re our hostess. Isn’t cooking your job?”

“Psh, hah! I don’t know how to buckin’ cook, dude! I got enough money that I don’t ever have to. But you had to go and invite them over. So get your ass to the kitchen and make me dinner, mare!”

Oh hell no. “You just earned yourself three hours of cooking lessons, missy.”

“Yeah, right. I’m gonna go set up my tables.” She turned to start walking away, but I grabbed her by the tail and started dragging her to the kitchen. Of course, she had no way to resist that. “Wha-what? How are you dragging me?! Lemme go!” She actually started struggling, trying to break free from her tail’s evil hold.

“No can do. I learned how vulnerable you ponies are at your tail soon after I got here. If I can grab it, I can drag you guys anywhere. So yeah, you get to learn to cook. Congratulations.”

“This is cruel!”

“I’m a cruel person. Coming, Taya?”

“Of course, daddy. This is too funny not to watch!” Vinyl just sighed, probably cursing herself for inviting me to her house.

Long story short, dinner went well and I quickly remembered why I didn’t have that many friends. Most people are boring, even if they’re magical horse lesbians. They’re even more boring when they’re put into semi-formal dinners like the one we were in. So yeah, it went well, but it was boring as hell.

Early the next morning, before Taya or Vinyl could wake up, I was walking around the town, looking for something to do. Of course, being a small town at around six in the morning, there was almost no one out.

Unfortunately, one of the few that I did happen to find was Pinkie motherfucking Pie, happily skipping around. That happy skipping became happy stopping when she saw me. “Navi, you’re here!”

“Sure am,” I sighed, stopping in my tracks as well. “And don’t call me that.”

“Too late. Let’s go on an adventure!” Without stopping for an answer, she started skipping away again.

Since this was Pinkie, her request was more of a demand in disguise. I knew she would track me down if I tried not going with her, so I just sighed, set my shoulders, and started following her bouncing tail. “So where are we going?” I resignedly asked.

“To the Everfree! It’ll be fun.”

“Why the hell would you want to go there? That place is dangerous for you.”

“That’s why you’re going, silly. You’re the big, strong knight that’ll protect me from all the nasty things living there.”

At the time, I only had a dagger and a few throwing knives on me. There wasn’t too much in the way of protecting I could do if something large actually came out at us. But Pinkie’s gonna Pinkie, so I figured she’d be just fine. “Whatever. What are we looking for in the Everfree?”

“Me!”

“We don’t have to go to the Everfree for that. You’re right there.”

“Come on, Navi. How can I find myself without going on a life-changing journey? Now pick up those legs, missy! We have a long way to go!”

Ugh. How far do you think I could get if I started running now?

“About two steps,” Flo said. “Then she’d either catch you immediately or start herding you toward the forest so you had no choice but to go. You were bored anyway. Just deal with it.”

Easy for you to say. You’re just along for the ride. I’m the one that has to deal with her.

Just as I thought that, Pinkie gasped. “I know what would be fun! Let’s sing a traveling song!” Before waiting for any input from me, she immediately started singing. I felt the power of music compel me to join in on her song, but I clenched my teeth and kept my mouth shut. Of course, Pinkie sang around me, disregarding my attempts to be rebellious.

The silly song finally petered out when we hit the forest, ending with what should have been a friendly duet but was instead just Pinkie singing something that made absolutely no sense about the power of friendship or something.

When it was finally over and we entered the imposing forest, she pressed up against me. “That was fun, Navi! We need to do that again some time!”

“I’d rather not. And we’re in the forest now. Watch your volume, please.”

“No problemo!” she yelled, then used a hoof to do some kind of zipping motion over her mouth, followed by throwing away a key or something. Essentially, just Pinkie being Pinkie. She did, at least, stop skipping, and instead started walking next to me like a normal person. Instead of constantly talking or singing, though, she started humming the song she had just been singing, swaying as she walked. It was almost enough to make me wish I had died at birth again, but I managed to push that feeling down so I could concentrate on making sure nothing ate her.

After about fifteen minutes of walking in some random direction, I noticed we were on a path I had actually never seen before. That was really strange, because I spent weeks in that forest, learning as much about it as I could. For there to be a path I had never seen that close to the edge was straight up impossible.

“Where the hell are we?” I asked, looking around. “I’ve never seen this area before.”

“The forest is a big place,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “But we’re going the right way!”

Pinkie’s gonna Pinkie. Dammit. Either way, I had a bad feeling about where we were going. My hand unwittingly found its way to my dagger, clenching the handle.

After another few minutes of walking that strange path, a large briar patch appeared out of the mist right in the middle of the road. “See, this is what happens when no one upkeeps their roads,” I said, crossing my arms. “You ain’t gonna get through that without getting scratched to hell.”

“Well, Nana Pinkie said it was just on the other side! So that’s where we’re going!”

“She said what is just on the other side?” I asked as Pinkie started forcing her way through. She didn’t answer, so I just sighed, spread my wings, and jumped into the air. It was all well and good for her to walk through that thicket, since she had fur. But I was wearing some thin clothes, so there was no way in hell I would walk through it. It was so thick that I actually lost sight of her while flying over. Then I heard her scream. “Pinkie!”

I skedaddled to the other side of the patch immediately, since it sounded like she made it through. There was nothing there but a dark hole in the ground, leading straight down. Since I saw a fresh hoof print right on the other side, I yanked my dagger out and jumped in behind her.

The hole itself wasn’t actually deep, but the fucker zig-zagged like crazy, so it took me a minute just to get to the other side. When I did, I actually gasped in surprise, almost losing my hold on the dagger. The cave was beautiful. Bioluminescent plants lit up several of the dark corners, while the sun shone in from a few cracks on the ceiling above, highlighting a small pool of pure crystal.

That was when I noticed that the water actually looked like crystal. Pinkie was standing in front of it, whispering something.

“...Pinkie, where are we?” I asked, taking another look around the place. On that second look, I realized the place had been inhabited at some point. There was a road carved toward the hole we both fell in from, leading to the pool. Normal looking water fed the pool from a place deeper into the cave that I couldn’t see.

She didn’t answer me, so after a few more seconds of looking around, I checked back to see if she was alright. When I did, I gasped in surprise, rubbing my eyes again to make sure.

Standing down next to the lake were two identical Pinkie Pies.

I should have just stayed in Canterlot.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Nine—Row Row Row Your Boat

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Nine—Row Row Row Your Boat

When I got out of the shower, Taya was waiting in my room. Her eyes were fixed on the bloody armor on the floor until I walked in. “What happened?” she immediately asked.

“Shit hit the fan,” I said with a shrug. “Same as usual. We had to fight some duels, I had to beat the shit out of Pertz, then we had to kill half the village to get back to the ship. It was fun.” But not really. “So how was your day?”

“It could have been better. You didn’t get hurt?”

“Not particularly. The fall didn’t hurt you?”

She shook her head. “I think Twilight may have gotten hurt, though. I was with her when we did. What caused that?”

“A very bad error in judgment on my part. I spared someone that I should have killed. Now we don’t have a rudder and we don’t have a balloon. The elementals are ferrying us to the ocean and they might have to take us the rest of the way, too. But we got Pertz out alive, even if he’s pretty badly fucked up, so at least there’s that. Can you go find all of Twilight’s friends and fill them in on what’s going on, if they don’t already know? And tell them they’re free to go on deck for now, but head back below immediately if we get attacked.”

“I don’t mind, daddy. But I think Applejack and Rainbow Dash might be… busy.”

“Then don’t interrupt them. Twilight and Rarity should already know. Just let people know what’s what.”

“Alright. Where will you be when I’m done?”

“I need to drop my armor off to have it looked over, then deal with Pertz, and then I’m finding Doppel and continuing a discussion. When I’m done with all that, I’ll be back here.”

“Okay, daddy. I’ll see you when you’re done.” She hopped off the bed and walked out, brushing softly against me when she passed. Thankfully, she had the decency to pull the door shut behind her so I could get dressed without pervs trying to peep on me.

When I was done with that, I stuffed most of the armor in a bag and carried it down to the smithy. As much as I was initially against the idea of a mobile blacksmithing room, I’m really glad I let Watcher make it happen. The place was useful and if Jak ever finished his golem, I figured it would quickly pay for itself.

Smiles was in there, hammering out new bolt heads. The explosive rounds were irreplaceable without stuff we didn’t keep on hand, but they could start working on replacing the normal ones.

He was too absorbed in his work to look up when I entered and I didn’t want to risk interrupting him, so I waited until he quenched the bolt he was working on to ask, “Got a minute?”

He rubbed his forehead and turned around. “Yeah. What happened out there?”

“Pertz had to be convinced to come with us. And the villagers had to be convinced to let him go. I made a bad call and we suffered for it. But none of us died and none of us got seriously hurt, so whatevs. My armor did get banged up, though. Can you look at it whenever you get done with this stuff?”

He set the hammer down. “I can work on it now, if you need it. We can outsource labor for these bolts whenever we get to a friendly port for a few days.”

“Take your time. If I actually end up needing armor, I’ll use the carbon nanotube set. It’s stronger anyway, just less imposing. And thanks for the help today. You guys probably saved everyone from that elephant.” I could have tried to kill it, but my sword isn’t long and I didn’t have the naga’s ridiculous strength or size. And if the elephant had gotten past me, he would have trampled the others while they were distracted.

“Happy to help, but all I did was move the crank where Jak told me to.”

I shrugged. “Well, I was going to give you a hug, but if that’s all you did, I can give it to Jak instead. Where’s he?”

The poor guy actually looked really disappointed, so I almost felt bad about lying. But he kept talking anyway, so I figured he’d get over it. “On deck. He’s checking over the ballistas and helping with the mess.”

“Then I’ll leave him to it. I’d probably get a nasty sunburn really quickly out there, without the balloon or something covering me. Do you know how his golem is coming along?”

He shook his head. “He doesn’t tell me much about it. I don’t think he tells anypony much about it, actually.”

“He doesn’t. I also don’t really care, as long as I know it’s coming along. I can’t imagine he’s too happy about all the distractions.”

“He’s not. But I am. Being in that… that book for so long can’t be healthy.”

“It’s not. The lady inside is creepy and insane and the rules there are different. Shit’s weird. But whatever. Fix this armor up when you can and leave it in my room if the door’s open. It’s not a rush.”

He nodded. “Yes sir, I’ll get it done.” I left before he could walk over and grab the bag. After all, I didn’t want to hear him bitching about it still being covered in blood.

When I got into the hall, one of the soldiers was walking past. “Do you know where Pertz is?” I asked him.

“In the cargo hold, sir,” he said. “He’s got a full squad guarding him and I think Zecora and Kat are also with him.”

“Is he awake yet?”

“I don’t know. He looked hurt really bad, so I doubt it.”

“Tch, yeah. Bastard put up a fight. Guess I’ll go find out. Thanks.” He nodded and I went on down to the cargo hold.

Sure enough, a full squad was sitting on some of the boxes there. Two were playing dice and the third was watching Kat and Zecora. Or rather, I noticed after a moment that he was just staring at Kat’s ass. I couldn’t blame him, since it was a very cute ass. Kat was just standing over Pertz with her arms crossed, waiting. Zecora was digging through a bag of ingredients and muttering. The hole in the ship was to our right, on the bottom. I had a feeling that if the elementals hadn’t saved us, this ship would probably have been lost forever, along with all or most of us.

And Pertz was lying on the ground out cold. His legs were all tied together, his neck was chained to a hook on one side of the ship and his tail was chained to a hook on the other side. The fur was burned off most of his chest and back, his horn was cut off, there was a patched up hole in one of his shoulders, and he had a black eye. One of his ears had been sliced apart and my ring was placed in between the cuts. It looked like the flesh had been cauterized together afterwards, to make sure the ring couldn’t be easily removed.

“Any luck?” I asked when I was standing next to Zecora and Kat.

“I know of a potion that would keep him asleep for days at a time,” Zecora said, looking up at me. “But in his current wounded state, he’d likely never awaken. I believe I can make it milder and allow him to wake up sooner, but it cannot be used constantly; he will need a week to recover before he can safely drink it again.”

“How long we talkin’ here?” I asked.

“The stronger one… around five days. Six, if he’s this weak and can survive it. The weaker one would probably be three days. He would very likely survive that one.”

Kat purred and shook her head. “We went through too much trouble to take him alive for him to only very likely survive.”

“Gotta agree with Kat on this one,” I said. “Celestia wants him alive and he looks like absolute shit. Kinda forgot that potion made Spike super hot when I asked him to hold this bastard. He will survive these wounds, right?”

Zecora waved a hoof. “His wounds are easy. Nothing we did is fatal. Just very, very painful. He will likely wake up screaming.”

“Ugh. Bastard. At least we can gag him. I’d rather not hear his annoying voice again anyway. Alright, so potions aren’t an option. The ring should stop him, but I don’t want to risk the ship on a should. I might be able to use dream magic, but we don’t know what side effects that has.”

Flo spoke up using my mouth. “One of my sisters can keep him asleep, Nav. We can also help ensure that he survives his injuries.”

“Any objections?” I asked.

One of the guards spoke up, surprisingly. “Can these things leave a pony’s body, sir? If they’re stuck in him forever, it might affect them if he gets sent to Tartarus.”

“Nah, they can leave at will,” I said. “That won’t be an issue.”

“I have a concern,” Zecora said. “This stallion is insane and his will is strong. An elemental might find herself seeing things his way, if she is sympathetic enough.”

“What about three?” I asked. “If they had each other to keep themselves centered, it wouldn’t matter. And that’s definitely possible.”

Zecora nodded. “I believe that would be acceptable. Hopefully.”

“Alright. Anyone else?” They all shrugged. “Flo, would you kindly ask around and see who wouldn’t mind being a host to an evil dictator?” As soon as I finished asking that, three bursts of water flew up out of the hole in the ship and landed near us. They all immediately zoomed over to Pertz and flooded into him. “Guess girls really do have a thing for bad boys.” Flo slapped me in the back of the head, of course.

Once the elementals finished doing illicit things to his body, it immediately started healing. A single elemental accelerates the healing process. I guess three put it into overdrive, though they left large scars and none of his fur grew back.

Soon enough, his eyes opened. One was blue and one was pink. “So who’s in there?” I asked.

His face immediately looked conflicted, but soon both eyes went blue and he said, “River, Cascade, and Waterfall. This stallion’s mind is very… interesting.”

“Can you guys keep him unconscious indefinitely? And, you know, make sure he doesn’t die?”

“We can. Would you mind loosening these ropes? They’re cutting off circulation.”

“That’s the point,” I said. “If he manages to untie them, he won’t be able to go anywhere for a while. No offense to any of you, but this bastard is dangerous and unless he has a full one of you inside of him, I’m not going to risk untying him or making it easier for him to escape. Once we get to the coast, I’ll see about getting Celestia to expedite his trip home. Until then, just keep him alive.”

“Very well. But should his hooves become necrotic, we will take matters into our own hands. This stallion may be evil, but he is our charge, and we will not see him unnecessarily hurt.”

“Fair enough. But I’m trusting you guys to make sure he doesn’t become a threat. We risked a lot to get him out.”

His eyes turned pink and he actually smiled. “We won’t let you down.”

“Good. Then I’m done here. Zecora, if you think you can help patch up the ship’s balloon with any of your weird voodoo stuff, go lend a hand. Otherwise, do whatevs. Same for you, Kat. Well, minus the weird voodoo stuff.”

“Then I will go cleanse myself,” Kat said. “I detest being covered in blood. I just wish we had proper sweat tents.”

For those that don’t know (not there there should be anyone at all, you fucking dick bags), sweat tents are little saunas where the moisture and sweat collects on your skin and you scrub it off, taking the dirt with it. They stink and they suck. I had to deal with that shit when I was in Egypt the first time and it was unfun. I had no idea why cats liked them, since it didn’t work very well on fur.

At least we got her to stop licking herself in public.

“I believe I can assist with the balloon,” Zecora said. “Though it will likely be too badly damaged to do much until we reach a port.”

“Have some faith in Rarity. She’s mostly useless, but I’ve seen her work miracles with fabrics. And between her and Twilight, we can hopefully get something patched together that’ll let us get to the sky port in Canterlot instead of stranding us in fucking Europe for a week.”

“...Perhaps.” Honestly, I kinda doubted it too. Either way, the three of us left the guards to their charge. Zecora went up to the top deck, Kat went to her room, and I found Doppel in her room with the door open.

The maid outfit was on the bed and she was staring at it and stroking the hem. She looked up when I entered, but no kind of expression came on her face. “What happened with the ship?” she asked.

“The balloon got fucked. We just had to kill a lot of people. It was pretty bad. I don’t suppose you’d wanna do lewd things to me?”

“I…” She looked back down at her uniform and sighed. “Not now.”

God dammit, I didn’t actually want to continue this right now... “Do you need a hug?”

“I… I don’t know right now…” I stepped in and closed the door behind me, but didn’t make any further motions. After several more seconds, she sighed again and looked up at me. “When you brought that rogue changeling home, several things went through my mind. One thought was… how can she just turn her back on the hive like that? It’s our home! It’s where our loyalties absolutely must lie!”

“Doppel, home is where you make it, not where you were born.”

She looked back down at the outfit. “And when you married that changeling to the pony and I found out she decided to stay in Equestria forever, I thought the same thing, but I was starting to… see the merit.” Her eyes met mine again and it looked like they were watering up. “Chrysalis cast me aside, Nav. I was loyal to her and she told me to be your slave! And I obeyed without question. I hated it at first. It seemed like the worst assignment ever. But disobeying never crossed my mind.”

“Because you were loyal, or because you were afraid?”

She fell silent and looked to the window. After half a minute, she softly continued, “I met a changeling in Canterlot the last time we were there. He was… he was a royal guard. And he was openly and publicly a changeling.” Once again, her eyes returned to mine. “He taught me that we don’t have to be afraid of Chrysalis anymore. And now that we’re out of the hive, we don’t have to obey her anymore.”

“You’re damn right you don’t. I told you that a year ago.”

She shook her head. “You told me that, but I didn’t understand until just recently. That royal guard has contacts all across Equestria. He told me that changelings are defecting in droves. Chrysalis has lost at least half of her spies across just Equestria. From what he learned, one or two disappeared after they were poorly received, but almost all of them were accepted in their communities and then denounced Chrysalis. What you did by helping that changeling get married enabled dozens of us to come forward.”

“I had a feeling that would have some kind of consequences, but I wasn’t expecting that.”

“...None of us were. In the hive, the story is the other way around. Rumors about pony lynch mobs that attack those they discover are common. Same for all the other races.”

“Well, most of the other races were probably accurate.”

“They were. I was undercover in Gryphonia one day and one of our other agents got caught. They strapped her up in a public square and let everyone do what they wanted to her, then publicly boiled her alive at the end of the day.” Jesus. “But that’s starting to change. I feel… safe, now. Safe in disobeying her. Safe in leaving her. I… I don’t feel like I need the hive anymore. Going back there recently just cemented it. Nav, the hives are awful. And Chrysalis is evil. You should have let Celestia kill her. The changeling race would be better off without her.”

“Chrysalis is the one that wanted me to help those two changelings get married, Doppel. And she’s trying to change for the better. She very much regrets what she became. But until she does manage to turn her life around, she is still evil. Incredibly so. And she did mention wanting to bring you to the hive to recondition you.” She gripped the bed tightly. “But she decided against it.”

“She’s lying to you.”

I walked over to the bed and sat next to her so I could put a hand on her back. “It doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t, Doppel. Not right now, at least. Evil or not, she won’t hurt you. She won’t hurt any of the changelings that jumped ship. You’re safe to be you. You’re safe to do what you want. And while you’ll always have a place on this ship, you’re safe to leave it and find a place somewhere else.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Nav. And I know that if I’m on this ship, I have to follow your orders. But from now on, I’m doing it because I want to, not because Chrysalis told me to. She isn’t my queen anymore. And I’m done wearing this awful outfit.”

“...What if I order you to?” I slowly asked.

She smiled sweetly and then started tearing it up. When she was done, she looked over to me with a happy grin. “Then I’d tell you to shove it up your ass.”

I scooped her up in a hug. “Good answer. I was getting tired of French maid anyway. How about nurse? Or maybe schoolgirl?”

“If you keep this up, I’m turning into Taya when we’re in public and demanding you to fuck me. And if you started spanking me, I’d only beg you to do it harder.”

“You are sick and twisted and I love it. So what are you going to do with your newfound sense of freedom?”

“I dunno. I’ve never been free before.” She finally hugged me back and we sat there for several long and awkward seconds. “So uh… what do you do with your freedom?”

“Whatever I want, mostly. You know, topped with an unhealthy dose of doing whatever Celestia tells me because she can make my life absolute hell if she wants. You could find someone to date, fall in love with, and maybe have kids. Don’t know if you’re really into that.”

“No, I hate hatchlings… I might be willing to adopt, but probably not. I guess I don’t really know what I want to do…”

“Well, you’re welcome here until you figure it out. Your talents are really useful. And I don’t just mean that thing you do with your tongue.”

To answer that, she stuck that same tongue into my ear, making me squirm. She sucked it back in with a giggle and said, “I know what you meant, silly. But you haven’t had much for me to do lately…”

“Yeah, these last few encounters have been real shitshows. In general, I’d much rather have your services than Kat’s. Avoiding a fight is usually better than instigating one.”

“You know, you could have used me today…”

“Maybe. But I don’t think this one was avoidable. This shit was bananas. Pertz is insane and he needed to get his shit wrecked. Hopefully he’ll be a little more humble now. But if not, whatever. We’ll deliver his ass to Celestia and he’ll no longer be our problem. But I’m hoping to find more jobs for you in the future.”

“Having a purpose is always nice… And I think I’ll try to cut back on the mindless sex. I can’t live my entire life in a… a haze of pleasure and numbness. And soreness, too. Plenty of that, after four or five partners a day…”

“Jesus, I couldn’t imagine that. One particularly rough stallion was enough to leave me sore for a full day.” And the full orgy of changelings also left me walking funny for a little while. “Anyway, if you’ve taken to abstaining, I think I’m going to go find Pinkie. I always feel hollow after a battle and getting filled up helps. With the elementals and Twilight busy, she’s pretty much my last bet.”

“I would, but I was just with a mare a few hours ago and a gay stallion shortly after that, so I probably couldn’t get it up as a male right now anyway. And I have no toys, so I can’t really fill you up, so to say… I know you prefer mares, but you moan a lot more when I have more… natural equipment.”

“God dammit, I need more guys on this ship to fuck… You have it easy, what with being able to bang any of the soldiers or crew.”

She giggled and rubbed my back. “There’s always Sunshine Smiles! I think he really likes you...”

“No.”

“What about the captain? He’s about your equal in rank here, isn’t he?”

“Iffy, but doable. But he’s also usually busy. Those two are pretty much it. Jak wouldn’t be interested, I’m not interested in Spike and I honestly shouldn’t do anything with him anyway, and the rest are married, too far below me, or also not interested. It’s lonely at the top, I guess.”

“...Well, there’s Twilight, at least. I know she’s interested, given the questions she’s asked me about you.”

That gave me pause. “She was… asking questions?”

“Yeah. About your fetishes and what really gets you off, mostly. I thought it would lead to something funny, so I told her everything.”

I really need to choose my servants better. “She’s been experimenting. She doesn’t know much about sexuality and has been trying to… discover herself, so to say. There’s certainly advantages to having sex with her, but there are also downsides. But she’s also busy and currently without magic… Anyway, I guess I should just head back to my room and lament not being pretty enough. I’m sure you have more moping to do or something.”

She didn’t let go when I did, though. “I don’t mind helping you get off, Nav. I just can’t use what I know you want. But I promise it’ll still feel good!”

I sighed, rolled my eyes, and started pulling off my pants.

An undisclosed amount of time later, I was back in my room and feeling marginally better. Since I had nothing to hide at the moment, my door was open and I was just chilling on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

I gotta say, I was kinda surprised Applejack was the first one to join me. She probably stood at the door for a while before realizing I wasn’t paying any kind of attention, then finally stepped inside and quietly cleared her throat.

After blinking and realizing I wasn’t alone, I slowly looked her way. She was out of her armor and had nothing on at the moment. No hat, no hair bands. It was honestly somewhat disconcerting. The slightly manic look in her eyes also didn’t help.

So I sat up and patted the bed next to me. She eyed it for a moment and then slowly and achingly joined me.

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

Finally, I quietly said, “Duty is heavy.”

Another minute passed by.

She gently coughed and whispered, “Yep.”

I put my hand on her back. She shivered slightly. I continued, “It is the heaviest thing there is. And you can never have the luxury of saying you were only following orders, because you still chose to follow them.”

Her body pressed against mine.

“We don’t kill because we want to, Applejack. And we don’t kill because we like it. We don’t kill for sport and we don’t kill for fun. We kill… we do our duty because it’s the right thing to do.”

Her head fell onto the bed.

“There are no words that will make this feel better. Don’t think I’m trying to assuage your guilt. Or that I’m trying to comfort you. But Pertz was and is evil. He needed to be brought to justice. And those villagers were an obstacle in our way.”

She sniffled.

“And god help us both, but we’ll never forget them. You more than me, I know. My first still haunts me. I can still see his eyes, feel his spastic movements… It’s not something you forget. The pain dulls with time and it stops hurting as much when you do it more.”

It was quiet, but I heard her crying. I started rubbing her back.

“But the pain is good. It reminds you that you still care. It reminds you that you’re still normal. It means you can still go back. It sucks, I know. And you’ll remember it in your dreams and you’ll remember it when you’re trying to eat and you’ll remember it when you get home and you’ll remember it when you fall in love and you’ll remember it until you die.”

It was no longer quiet. That back rub turned into a hug.

“Being a predator helps for me, I think. I have the ability to disconnect. I don’t have to think about it in terms of killing a person. I just think of it as stopping an annoying problem. I still… I still think about it sometimes, but for the most part, I don’t feel sad about it anymore.”

At least she hugged me back, though it was uncomfortably tight.

“I know you don’t like me, and you have every reason not to. You have an inordinately good lie detector and everything about me is a lie. But that means you should know that I’m telling the truth here. Unfortunately, the truth isn’t very comforting.”

Rocking back and forth seemed a little unwarranted, but I wasn’t going to deny her anything at the moment.

“But the real truth is that you did your duty. You did it well. You followed my orders and you followed them well. And those orders made you do something unforgivable. But it’s not too late to take that armor off forever, Applejack. Absolutely no one here will say a word. We aren’t hurting badly enough for troops for me to ask you to compromise yourself.”

Silence fell on us once again.

It took her some time to stop crying. When she finally did, she let me go and slid off the bed. She stood there for several long seconds before walking to the door, where she stopped again. Finally, she turned her head to me. “Duty may be heavy, but I’m strong.” With that, she walked out.

Flo sighed in relief. “You handled that so much better than you handled Twilight.”

I know, right? Though a little bit less is at stake right this second than when I had to help Twilight.

“True. But when she tried to talk after the fact, you pawned her off on Aqua.”

Fair point. I guess it’s that whole ‘trying to change’ thing I’m doing, or something.

“Good.”

My next visitor was Spike, who was grinning and holding a plate. He casually leaned against my door frame. “Yo Nav, you hungry?”

“Not particularly,” I said to the ceiling, since I was back to laying down. “But I know I should eat. Is the kitchen chick working?”

“Nah, Sunny’s on deck. Gilda made this.”

That actually made me look his way. “Gilda?”

“Yeah. She’s a pretty good cook, actually.”

“...I know. She retaught me how to cook meat.” I finally sat up. “But it was a bitch and a half to get her to. I’m surprised she actually decided to cook.”

He chuckled and shrugged. “She made a bet. First one to finish cooks. I won. So yeah, I decided to take your advice.”

“Cool, cool. Which advice, again?”

His brows (or what would be his brows, if he had hair) furrowed, then the look of confusion disappeared. “I forgot that you don’t remember any of that. When you were out of it, you told me to uh… tame her. I figured, you know, she was into it and it would probably be fun, so I went for it. And, you know, actually went for it.”

“Neat. I’m too ugly for even Doppel, so I’ve just been in here, alone.”

“Huh. So yeah, you hungry?” Good, he doesn’t want to fuck me anymore.

“Yeah.” He walked the rest of the way in to hand me the plate. Unsurprisingly, it was just meat. Gilda didn’t seem to like cooking anything else. Or maybe she didn’t know how to. Spike started to walk out, so I said, “Hold on.”

He turned back. “What do you need?”

“We just killed a lot of people, Spike. I know you’re more of a predator than me, so it probably doesn’t affect you the same way, but if you ever need to talk, talk to me. If you let stuff like that brood inside of you, it’ll sap away at you. Trust me, I know from experience.”

The following silence wasn’t exactly the most comfortable thing I felt that day. Which is saying something, given that I just got done fighting.

Finally, he shrugged and said, “I think I’m okay.”

“Alright, cool. But if you’re lying because you don’t want to disappoint me or make me not want to rely on you, not cool.”

He shook his head. “No, I really think I’m fine. It felt good. Before that duel, I was worried and scared. But after that, I… knew. I knew that it was right. And I wasn’t worried or scared anymore.” He fell silent for a few seconds before pushing the door closed. “I was raised by ponies, Nav. For the longest time, I felt like I didn’t belong. I knew I was too different. But today, for the first time ever, I felt right. I felt like…” After floundering for words, he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it as steam. “I felt like a dragon! My blood was boiling in that fight! I really, truly, finally felt alive!”

Oh. That’s not something I foresaw. “Good. But never for a moment, and I cannot emphasize this enough, never forget who you are, Spike. Never lose yourself to the bloodlust. Because it’s easy to do. Slipping away in a fight is the simplest thing in the world. But if you start becoming a threat to your friends, I can’t have you fighting with us. I’m happy that you feel right. That’s a good thing. But not everything that you were should be forgotten. Ponies have some good ideals. Dragons have some bad ones. Let the pony ideals guide your draconic nature.”

He just stared at me for a little while before saying, “That’s pretty gay, dude.”

“Go fuck yourself. Thanks for the food.”

“No problem. See you later.” He finally left and I started eating.

Taya finally rejoined me some time after he left. When she stepped in, I looked over to see who was joining me next. “I figured you would have been waiting on me.”

After hopping up to join me in the bed, she said, “I thought your session with Doppel would take longer. Guess she’s losing her touch.”

“No, she said I’m not pretty enough and sent me away.”

“Daddy, you’re beautiful,” she said with a gentle nuzzle.

“At least someone thinks so.” I scooped her up and draped her across me. “Anything interesting happen?”

“Well, as soon as I told Pinkie she could go out on deck, she disappeared. It was kinda weird. Fluttershy also went up, but she just walked. Twilight and Rarity are looking over the balloon now, but I don’t think they’ll have much luck. It looked pretty damaged.”

“That’s because it’s pretty damaged.” I sighed and relaxed slightly. “It might be a long trip home.”

“Well… once we can use magic again, we could probably teleport to a city and get what we need to fix it, right?”

“Teleporting that far will be a pretty tall order. We’ll see. It’ll probably take the waters a few days to decide what to do next anyway, so this will give them time. And as long as Celestia can get Pertz out of here as soon as we can send her a message, it shouldn’t matter too much anyway. I know I wouldn’t mind a few days of not being on constant alert.”

“And I wouldn’t mind spending a few days with you…”

And that’s just what happened.

We got to the coast on the third day of traveling. It was really early in the morning, so just about everyone important was asleep, since we had run into no trouble yet. I was on the deck, casually sharpening one of my knives and watching the approaching gorilla village. There’d be no avoiding them, this time. Not if we wanted to spend some time getting our shit fixed before hitting open water.

As soon as we got to the estuary, the cute unicorn mare that wanted my moist vag walked over to me. “My magic is back, Nav.” To show off, she pulled one of my sheathed throwing knives out and started waving it around.

“Excellent. When can you guys start patching the hole in the hull?”

“As soon as Captain Gourd and the others wake up.” She carefully put my knife back up. “When can you send a message to the princess to let her know we need help?”

“Around the time she wakes up. It’s, like, six in the morning or something here. That means it’s midnight there. Even if the message did wake her lazy ass up, she probably wouldn’t have the strength to teleport here and then get back at night. I’d prefer not hitting the ocean until she knows where we are and what’s going on, so we might as well let the others sleep for now.”

“Alrighty! What do you think we should do about the village?”

“Watch them. I doubt they’ll automatically be hostile. If they send a delegation over, we’ll talk. If not, I’m happy to ignore them.”

“...What happens if they try to kidnap you?”

“Their village is right there. If they try anything, we can turn them into dust. Besides, that happened because of Brook. Those monkeys didn’t revere humans on their own. I see no reason why these guys would.”

She looked over that way for a few seconds before shrugging. “I guess that makes sense. And wouldn’t they want Pertz gone, anyway?”

“Dunno. It might not affect them all the way over here.”

One of the guards we rescued happened to be on duty at that time and wandered our way when he heard us talking. “Those villagers are harmless, ma’am,” he told me. “Well, to us, anyway. They have no interest in provoking the ponies.”

“Think they’d try to talk to us if we sat next to them for a few hours?”

“Probably. They might offer to trade assistance or wood for various goods, if they’re in a decent mood. Silver knows more about them than we do, so she can probably tell you more. Well, if you can get her to come out of her room.”

“I imagine she’ll come out as soon as I stop sending food to her. But I honestly don’t care about them or their culture. If they can be useful, good. If not, they can stay out of my way. I think we have everything we need to patch the hole in the ship. None of us know how to fix the rudder, so extra supplies are useless. And I really doubt they’d have what we need to repair the balloon, so they’d be worthless on that front.”

The guard shrugged. “I just wanted to see her smile again. She’s always happy to talk about something she knows pretty well.”

Yep, sounds like a woman. “Feel free to ask her, if you want. Either way, I’m not worried about them.” The ship finally started slowing down. We were right next to the beach, close enough that we could easily get a group ashore if we needed to. And since those of us with wings could use them again, it would be even easier. “Amber, if those lazy bastards are still asleep in two hours, wake them up. Then wake up Rarity and tell her to do whatever she can to the balloon.”

“Okay. What should I do until then?”

“I dunno. Whatever you usually do, I guess.” I put the blade I was sharpening away and pocketed the stone I was using to grind it. “Me, I think I need to have a discussion with Brook. Flo, would you mind asking her to meet me in the map room?”

She murmured an assent, so Amber and the guard got to watch me walk away.

“So how do you think this is going to go?” I asked Flo.

“Honestly, I’m not really sure where any of us stand. Most of us are still undecided.”

“Hmm.”

Brook arrived in the map room shortly after I did. As soon as she oozed in, she ran a hand along one of the ship’s walls. “This boat is heavy.”

“I imagine. Can you get us to a friendly port, if we can’t fix our balloon?”

“Yes, but the going will be slower now that the chances of attack are much lower. That pace was exhausting and I don’t think there’s a pirate alive that would attack a ship crewed like this, or armed and armored like this one.”

“Excellent.” The next part of that conversation would likely be decidedly more difficult than a status report, so I decided to go ahead and take the only chair in the room, then wait for her to look at me with her slightly pink eyes. “What are you going to do about the fires?”

That pink drained away immediately. “My sisters and I will reach a consensus. That consensus is that we will help you. But we have not reached it yet, so until we do, we will not assist you in searching for them or saving them.”

I couldn’t stop my hands from steepling in front of me. “You all knew this was coming.”

“Just as we knew the sun would rise for the coming day, or that the tide would roll in. One does not typically stop to consider that which is inevitable, even if it affects them. Yes, we knew this was coming. And we dreaded it and we feared it. We didn’t want to think of it. And now the time is here and we must decide. And we must decide to help you. And we will decide to help you, even if it’s a… dangerous decision.”

“And do you consider doing nothing a better proposal?”

She slid over to one of the small windows and stared out at the African landscape. “Chaos has shown its hand. But it has not been… overly active in this cycle, so to say. Flo has shown us your interactions with it, and we have begun tracing threads.” Her head turned to me and her eyes flashed yellow. “Some threads we see have been extremely troubling.” With that, she actually started pacing. “Some of my sisters debate that biding our time is wiser than freeing the fires. Ever since you convinced me to leave my home, however, I agreed that they needed to be free.”

“Well, at least that’s two of you. And I know Aerie is down for it, so we can use her to find the bastards. But we’ll need the support of all of you guys to free them, according to what Flo was saying.”

“That is correct, though we have ascertained that one is actually currently free. And we know where the other two are, but we won’t tell you until we’ve decided to assist you.”

“Not that it would matter, given how crippled we are. Unless one happens to be at a nearby port or something. But nothing’s ever that easy.”

She finally stopped sliding back and forth across the floor, at least. It was kinda weird, since she didn’t actually turn when she got to a wall, her entire body just reformed so that it was facing the other direction. “I do not believe deliberations will take us too long. We all know that it’s the right thing to do, whether or not it will help stop Chaos. Our fiery siblings are violent and destructive, but their tendencies can be curbed. We will not be a part of freeing the airs.”

“Okay. Now, if Celestia—”

“That is not a point you wish to debate?” she broke in.

“It’s not. Now, if Celestia can’t get Pertz off the ship, would you prefer moving us across the Atlantic or up to Europe?”

It sounded like she wasn’t expecting me to just accept them not breaking out the airs. But she didn’t want to look that particular gift horse in the mouth, so she just said, “Moving up to Europe. Three of my sisters can keep him placated indefinitely, though they might eventually start to sympathize with him. Since he will not be an issue, I believe it wiser to get the ship to a port sooner rather than later, in case there is more damage than we realized and we worsen it.”

“Fair enough. Can you guys actually get tired?”

“Yes, though it’s not as a living being would. That is another reason I’d prefer Europe.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do. And if she does teleport Pertz away, we won’t even have to stop in Canterlot to head to the first fire. Which means no more pointless bullshit.”

As it turns out, I should learn not to open my fucking mouth.

“Hm. Will she give us some manner of reward for capturing him?”

“Man, I don’t fucking know. It’s not like you guys need money and I’m still hella loaded. I guess the crew could always use more.”

“We don’t need money, but independence, perhaps…” Her eyes flashed yellow, red, green, and then faded back to blue. “My sisters and I have no desire to end up as a part of her kingdom. We are too used to ruling to be ruled and have no desire to be told what we may or may not do.”

“I assume Flo told you some of my plans for the future.”

And her eyes flashed another set of colors, ending in pink. “She has. I would be delighted to assist humanity in rebuilding from the ashes. I would not accept being turned into a slave. I believe none of us would.” Her eyes flashed blue again and then she rolled them. “Well, most of us wouldn’t.”

“In my experience, slaves rarely work as well as those that help you willingly and happily. But I can’t dictate what other people will do.”

She finally smiled. “That’s a very wise statement. We will deal with the future as it comes. You are still undecided about whether you will attempt to bring humans back to life or not. It is understandable to be… concerned with its possible effects on the world. You humans are incredibly unpredictable, though I admit to having known very few of you.”

I snorted. “Well, according to the last ones I saw, I’m no longer human. So it’s not really ‘you humans’ anymore.”

She reached an arm across the room to press against my cheek. “Being human is much more than looking like one, Nav. It’s a mentality, a mindset. It’s a way of thinking that’s utterly alien to those that live today. Despite what you may have been told, you are very much still a human.”

“Being human also means being exclusionary, and if other humans choose to exclude you, you become something else.”

I tried pulling away from her hand, but she moved her other one to my other cheek. “Part of being happy is having a stable identity, Nav. You turned your back on being Anonymous. You don’t have to allow others to deny you your humanity.”

Man, people really like telling me stuff that I already know. “Brook, I’m really not down with all that Aesop shit. Or the whole physical contact thing. Those are both Twilight’s shtick.” She slowly pulled her hands away. “I mean, I appreciate the gesture and whatever. Shows you care or something like that, I don’t know. Either way, I ain’t about that life.”

She looked at me for a few seconds before her eyes flashed orange, whatever that meant. “You are not interested in bettering yourself, Nav? You don’t care for healing your shattered mind?”

“Well I mean, I do, but like, you know, not like that. That’s shit’s annoying, man. It feels patronizing.”

“...I see. And do you have a reasoning as to why?” I shrugged. “Hm. Perhaps I should have a conversation with Flo about what you do and do not find acceptable, and why.”

Flo actually took over my mouth to say, “It feels to him like you’re speaking down to him from an imagined position of authority instead of treating him like an equal.”

That actually seemed to take Brook aback, though it did make some sense to me. Brook took several seconds to process that before saying, “When the wise give advice to those who need it, they speak from a true position of authority to one that needs help.”

Thankfully, Flo handled the rebuttal for me. “When the wise are ignorant in other ways, they too need wisdom. It should be equally shared, not meted out like a pittance to those clamoring for succor. And the way you act is motherly, which he despises because it makes him feel weak and small.” Alright, this is starting to get annoying. “And he’s getting annoyed because I’m sharing what he considers his weaknesses with you.” You fucking bitch. “He also just called me a naughty word.” Kill yourself. “And told me to kill myself. If I continued sharing his unpleasant thoughts, we’d probably be stuck in a very long loop.”

“Interesting. That answers several questions I had about his childhood.” You don’t know me, bitch. “I imagine he has a very unpleasant thought when I said that, too.” Flo forced me to nod. “Very interesting indeed. Navarone, know that when a water elemental tries to give you advice, we do so solely for your benefit. We mean absolutely no offense by it.”

I kind of wanted to answer that, but Flo didn’t let me. “He knows, intellectually. But it still rankles because of several deep-seated issues he has yet to open up about and refuses to discuss with me.” Woman, I swear to god! “He’s getting really mad. I think I’ll stop.”

“Anger is good,” Brook said with a small nod. “You rarely show strong emotions because you bottle them up out of fear. You should learn to release that floodgate. The defining characteristic of a man is not the inability to show emotion, but rather the ability to show it wisely. You choose to hide it until it breaks your dam and dangerously spills over. Learn to use your emotions when and where you need them.”

“I don’t need them. That’s why I don’t show them.”

She smiled ever so sweetly. “Tell that to Taya.”

The urge to find out if a water elemental could be strangled was growing quite quickly. Unfortunately, I knew that doing so would likely be unwise, so I forced myself to continue sitting there instead. So I tried a different tactic. “I don’t exactly have the best roadmap in the world for knowing when to show emotions.”

She lifted what would have been an eyebrow if she had hair. “The ponies aren’t good examples, then? It seems like they would be, to me.”

Fuck. “I didn’t exactly have the best home training for knowing when to and when not to show emotions, I should say.”

“Much of what happens in your formative years affects how you become as a person. However, it doesn’t write your personality in stone. People can and do change, Nav. I’m sure you know that well from your dealings with Twilight. It isn’t easy and admitting that it’s necessary can be difficult. Thankfully, I believe that you already did so. Now you just need to start attempting to live up to it.”

“Ugh, can’t I just do it tomorrow?” Her smile deepened slightly. “Alright, look, I don’t like bitches riding my ass about this shit. Yeah, I do want to get better or whatever. But I can’t just jump headlong into being something that I’m not. I want to feel again, but it’s not something I can just force. It’ll be gradual. So unwad your fucking panties and don’t bitch about it.”

“Reminders and helpful suggestions are not bitching, silly.”

“They never seem that way to the person doing it. But that’s the kind of shit that invites wife-beating. When someone spends all day being shit on, sometimes they just want some time of peace. I do want to change and I probably appreciate the help or whatever, but let me do me.”

Her smile cracked just slightly. “I am… unused to sitting by and watching, Nav. Usually, we take a direct hand in assisting others.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” I stood and popped my neck. “I’m heading back to the deck. Ask one elemental to keep the hole in the deck plugged. The rest can do whatever they normally do. I have an unfortunate feeling that we’ll be needing them again soon.”

“Likely. Would you be interested in meeting the sister we freed?”

“Anything particularly special about her?” I asked.

“She is a loner, which is why she was here when she became trapped. Even now, aside from thanking us for our assistance, she has said little.”

“Then she’ll have little to say to me. I’ll meet her when I meet her.” She finally let me leave the office in peace, though she did watch me while I exited. Flo, your sisters are really creepy sometimes. She sighed judgmentally, but didn’t say anything.

When I finally got back on the deck, the coastal village was stirring and the guard squads were currently changing over. Watcher and Spike noticed me at the same time, but Spike got there first. “What do you want me to send to Princess Celestia?” he asked.

“Nothing at the moment. She’s still asleep.”

He blinked. “But it’s morning.”

Watcher got to hear that one, and replied, “It’s morning here. There, it’s probably around one or two in the morning.”

“And Celestia rises with the sun,” I said. “It’s… late fall now, I think, so that’ll probably be around seven or something, so another six hours. I’ll have a report written for you by then. Just chill for now.”

“Uh. Alright, I guess. Find me when you need me.” He wandered off to do his guard duty, not that I really figured we needed it anymore.

That made it Watcher’s turn. “Zecora and I both want to send a delegation to the village. We want to show them Pertz. And we want you to be there as well, as the person that is bringing him to justice.”

“Tell your squad to test their magic thoroughly first. If it all works, find two elementals to ferry Pertz over. I’ll take the squad guarding him, the naga, and Zecora. Watch us from here. If shit hits the fan, the elementals will probably get to us before you can, but I want you to at least try to help.”

“You agreed to that more quickly than I thought you would.”

“Okay. Let me know when all of that is done.”

He shrugged and said, “Yes sir.” He walked back below and I pulled my gun up to check it over. It still looked fine, so I slung it and walked over to the naga.

“We’re going into the village soon,” I said. “I’m not expecting a fight, but be ready.”

“Of course. I would be interested in seeing how more of these beasts fight. The last one was quite a disappointment.”

“And we’re not going to bring that last one up, either. I have no idea how they’d feel about us killing one of them, even if he was working with Pertz.”

He made a rumbling noise deep in his chest before nodding. “A wise decision. Some surface groups seem to take race loyalty too far, even for those who turned their back on the clan.”

“Sometimes. I imagine Pertz is gonna get shafted by the law, though.” And then shafted by a bunch of horny changelings. “We’ll be leaving when Watcher gets his group ready. If you need anything else, now’s the time to get it.”

“I am battle ready, sister.”

“Good.” When I turned to walk away, Gourd was standing there, waiting. “Status?”

“We’ve started repairing the hull. It should be ready within five hours. And unfortunately, Rarity says she can’t do anything useful with the balloon. She could patch it, but enough of it was destroyed that even patching it wouldn’t give us enough lift to get us back in the air, let alone keep us there.”

“Fuck. Talk to one of the elementals and chart a course to the closest port in Europe that can fix this mess.”

“I have an… alternative, if you’re willing to take a risk. There’s a pirate capital—”

“No.”

He nodded, smiling. “Europe it is. I didn’t really want to go back there anyway. I’ll get a course plotted soon. Should we leave as soon as we get the hull fixed?”

“Probably. We’re sending a shore party to the village. Zecora’s idea. It hopefully won’t take too long.”

“Alright. You want any of us to go with you?”

“Nah. We should be fine. Hopefully they’ll be happy enough to see Pertz in chains that they won’t think of doing anything retarded.”

He bit at the inside of his lip before shrugging. “You’re the boss. We’ll keep an eye on you and teleport over if it starts looking bad.”

“Works for me. Just don’t forget that you’re out of practice.”

He snorted. “Not after what happened to Amber. I’ll go check on repairs and then find an elemental. See you later, Nav.” I nodded and he walked off, letting me finally pick a spot on the rail and watch the villagers as they watched us.

A cleared throat from behind me got my attention, so I turned and beheld the purplest member of my crew. “What do you need, Twilight?” I asked.

“One of the guards told me you were going into the village,” she said. “Can I go with you?”

“Sure. Stay close to me. If shit gets bad, back me up. And try not to offend the locals. You know the drill.”

“Yeah. I’ll try not to ask too many questions.”

“Then let’s go get ready. I have one more thing to grab.”

“Okay!” She started happily trotting below and I followed behind her, watching her tail bounce. What I needed to grab wasn’t in my room, so I just followed her right to hers. When she got there, she grabbed a notepad and a pen with magic and then blinked. “I forgot I had magic! I could have just teleported this up.” Then she turned and saw me. “Oh, did you already get what you needed?”

“Not quite,” I said with a small smile. When I stepped in and closed the door behind me, a look of concern flashed across her face. “Do you remember our little deal?” I asked.

“Um. Which one?”

“If I wear the plug, you have to wear a vibe once a week.” Her face fell and her eyes opened wide. “Well, it’s been a long week and I had to fight a fucking battle wearing it, and trip balls with it in. I think it’s your turn.”

Both of her ears drooped. “I… I um… Maybe I uh… shouldn’t go…”

“Nope, you’re going.” I walked over to one of her drawers and rummaged around until I found the cute little buzzer. “And you’re going wearing this. And I’m going holding this.” I pulled out the remote. “So go ahead and finish getting ready.”

She quietly gulped, then used magic to pull the toy away from me. “Are… are you sure?”

“Yes. And you’ll be wearing it the next time we see Celestia, too. And a bunch of other awkward times. So might as well get used to it now.” She sighed and floated it behind her. A few seconds later, I stroked the controls, making her squeak. “Alright, let’s go.” I left it on low for the moment, so we couldn’t hear it. Or at least, I couldn’t.

“Okay…” We walked back to the deck. As soon as she got to the stairs, I bumped it up to medium and she almost slipped. She chose not to comment. It went back to low and I figured I’d leave her alone for a while.

Watcher was not idle in that time, thankfully. His squad was ready to go and came to attention when I approached. Pertz was standing next to Flo and Naiad. Zecora was watching the village. The naga was staring at Pertz.

“Any intel about them, Zecora?” I asked.

“I stayed there for a day after I was cast out, on my way to finding passage away from here. They are friendly enough, but territorial. Do not enter any building without permission and do not touch anything without it being offered. They did not like Pertz, and will be happy to see him in chains. If they ask us to leave, we will leave without question.”

“Simple enough. Can we fly right to the village, or should we head to the outskirt first and walk in?”

“Walk in, in case they ask us not to enter.”

“I’ll fly over. Naga, you swim. Twilight, teleport with Zecora when you see where I’m going. Flo, Naiad, you do your thing with Pertz. You three, dynamic entry.” Nods all around, so I took off and rode the coastal winds to a spot near the edge of the village, next to the river.

As soon as I landed, Twilight joined me with Zecora. The guard pegasus dropped the earth horse right as the unicorn teleported in. Ames and the two elementals showed up seconds later. The two elementals held Pertz up by his forelegs so it didn’t look like he had any kind of freedom of movement.

Before I could ask Zecora what to do next, two very large gorillas came thundering out of the village toward us. Zecora didn’t seem overly concerned, so I didn’t move. Sure enough, they stopped in front of us. “What is your business here?” one of them asked.

Zecora stepped forward and said, “We come bearing news. Pertz of Equestria has been dethroned. See him stripped of his power.” She waved behind her. The gorillas both looked and gaped, showing off some impressive teeth. “Navarone of Equestria has brought him to his knees.” Not really of Equestria, but okay.

“Is this truly the scourge of the heartlands?” one whispered, taking a small step closer.

“It is,” I said. “Or rather, was. Princess Celestia of Equestria discovered that he has been abusing the trust she placed in him and sent me and my crew to bring this monster home, to face justice. After I beat him in single combat and we eradicated the majority of his slaves, we are finally ready to drag him back to Equestria.”

One slowly nodded. “It is good to see this blight brought down.” His large eyes focused on mine and I suddenly found myself wishing I wasn’t in plain clothing. “And you are the one that defeated him?”

“Yes. I have skills tailor-made to take down arrogant unicorns.”

“We would love to hear the tale. You are all welcome into our village. Please, follow us.” As much as I really didn’t want to tell the story, I figured following them anyway would be prudent. No reason to make enemies, after all. So we followed them. I took point, with Zecora on one side and Twilight on the other. The elementals oozed behind us and the guard squad treaded behind them. Ames slid along next to the two sisters, grimacing slightly to himself at the feeling of wet dirt getting stuck to his tail.

“We saw your ship when you first showed up,” one of the gorillas said. “It appeared magnificent then, and we thought it heralded some manner of change.”

“It took a beating from their witch doctor,” I replied. “We’re taking time now to patch it up as best we can before we limp to a friendly port.”

“We will likely be happy to assist,” one said. “Though I doubt there is much we can do to help with such a vessel.”

“The thought is appreciated,” Zecora said. I’m glad she spoke up, because I wasn’t planning on replying to them.

When we got to the village, we picked up a ton of stares. The village wasn’t all that large, but it seemed that each hut had several people living in it, and they were all interested in who (and what) we were. The two leading us further into the village didn’t say anything, so none of us spoke either.

Before too long, we reached the center of the village, where the largest hut was. Standing in front of it was a gorilla that stood about as tall as the naga with shoulders just as wide. Honestly, if that thing tried attacking me, I think I’d prefer to fly away, magic sword or not. He didn’t look very happy to see us, either.

“Why have you brought these interlopers to me?” he demanded.

The two gorillas bowed and one said, “They bring Pertz in chains, Kerchak!”

That got his attention, of course. He looked over them to the only one of us in chains. “Is this truly the great defiler?” he whispered.

“It is,” I said. “Princess Celestia sent us to capture him when she learned of his actions.”

He snorted. “At least the pony queen can remedy some of her mistakes. What is your name, lady warrior?”

“I am Navarone, sir,” I said, nodding my head. “I pacified Pertz and my host of warriors eradicated many of his soldiers, freeing several captives in the process.”

He leaned back slightly. “You pacified Pertz alone?”

“I did. And I led the warriors who killed many of his troops.”

“Hm. And you freed the true king of the lions. It will be interesting to see the coming power struggles. This is welcome news. But I am very interested in how such a small being could capture someone so powerful. Of course, I’m also interested in just what you are. I have never seen one like you. Or the watery things holding that monster.”

“I am a human,” I said. “A magical mistake brought me here from the past. My kind has long since died out.”

“Hm. My condolences, human. I imagine being isolated in such a way is… painful.”

There was no need to reply to that, so I waved my hand behind me. “These are water elementals. Very intelligent, very kind, very dangerous, and very useful. They can form symbiotic relationships with various beings, directly helping them. They are also figments of the past, brought forth once more.”

A tendril from each elemental moved forward, making the large gorilla jump back in shock. “I am Naiad, and this is Flo,” she said. Since Kerchak didn’t seem interested in shaking hands, the tendrils interweaved before slurping back into their bodies. “We assist Navarone out of thanks for saving us.”

Kerchak stared at them for several long seconds before slowly saying, “We live in interesting times.”

The naga chuckled and said, “Those who live in interesting times create tales of glory to be shared for generations.”

That made the gorilla nod, at least. “True. And how the great kings in interesting times interact with those around them sets examples for those to follow. Would you be interested in telling the story of your fight, human?”

“...Well, I am no storyteller. I could tell you of the deed, but it would not be interesting.” I really didn’t want to have to talk about that shit.

“I am,” Zecora quickly said. “And I would be happy to.”

The big dude actually smiled. “A story about a glorious fight told by a shaman. By all means.” He looked at one of the fellows that led us in and said, “Gather the young ones. We are going to hear the tale of how Pertz was brought down.”

I turned to the elementals and said, “Take him back to the ship. You’re free to come back when he’s secured again.” They nodded and started leaving, dragging Pertz with them.

“Why take him away?” Kerchak asked. “He looks pacified to me.”

“I didn’t fly for three weeks, risk my life and the lives of all my crew, and nearly have my boat destroyed to come back empty-handed because he managed to slip away or we had to kill him because he started acting up. I’d rather have him properly secured.”

“Wise. All of you, come with me.” He started walking to the left. The dude had a pretty large gait, so we had to move fairly fast to keep up. It meant we got to our destination faster, though. It was a decently sized clearing in the village. A group of peasants was already starting to fill in the edges. From the look of it, they were expecting their story-teller to sit in the center.

Sure enough, Zecora walked right to the middle of the group. She knew how to tell stories far better than I did, so I happily left her to it. Kerchak also went to the center. The rest of my group stayed on one of the edges.

When enough villagers showed up, Kerchak slammed his fists on his chest a few times, then said, “Pertz has been defeated!” The gorillas all cheered and started banging their chests like he did. When they quieted down, he pointed at me. “This human warrior is the one that brought Pertz to his knees. She is called Navarone, and has delivered this land from a dark curse.” The apes started whispering. I heard the word ‘she’ several times. He plowed over the mutters. “Her shaman is here to tell the tale of the monster’s defeat.”

I almost wanted to debate her being ‘my’ shaman, but I did kinda tell her that she had a place on my ship until she didn’t want it anymore. So I just sat on the ground while she started her—or rather, my—tale. After a few seconds, Twilight sat next to me and the guards shrugged and joined us.

My hand found its way unbidden to Twilight’s back to rub it. The other hand found its way very bidden to the controller and I bumped it up, making her flinch and then lean against me. The big dude noticed that, but no one said anything.

It wasn’t an overly long story, but Zecora made the telling take half an hour. I kinda wondered how many days it would take to write, and out of boredom, I settled on two weeks as a decent amount of time.

By the time Zecora finished, Twilight was very weakly grinding against the ground and it looked like she was gritting her teeth. The gorillas turned to stare at me, all smiles. When the main gorilla took the stage again, he said, “Truly, a hero has graced us. Thank you, Navarone. And many thanks to your host of warriors as well. Now we can live our lives without the fear that Pertz will come for us.”

Unfortunately, that was my cue to actually do something. So I stood (and bumped up the remote) and said, “It is always the duty of the warrior to protect others. I am happy to fight so that your village does not have to, Kerchak. And upon behalf of Equestria, I’m sorry that Pertz was even allowed to become so powerful. I hope that his transgressions will not color your opinions of Celestia too negatively.”

He snorted. “While we would all prefer him to have never appeared, it is good to see that the ponies can clean up their own messes. And while I would never give this prize to a pony, you are something different. Something…” He took a deep breath before smiling. “...special.” Oh boy. “On behalf of all of Africa, my village awards you the diadem of the conqueror, stolen from Pertz himself.”

He waved to his side, where a gorilla was approaching with a crown in one hand. Twilight loudly gasped and for a second, I thought she actually came. Then I took a closer look at the crown and realized that the stone on it matched her ass tattoo. Huh. Maybe that’s one of the elements of harmony or something.

When the random gorilla got close enough, Kerchak carefully picked up the golden crown and lifted it up before him. “Step closer, Navarone the human.” I really didn’t want that ugly thing on my head, but I figured it was for the best. Twilight started to say something, but I bumped the controller again and she chose to stay silent instead of risking a moan.

Soon enough, I stood before the giant. Each of his hands was probably about the size of my head and even standing near him made my skin crawl. The dude could probably tear me to pieces without even breaking a sweat. Thankfully, he chose to just gingerly place the fugly crown on my head. “Thank you, Kerchak,” I said.

One of his hands clasped my shoulder and I felt my knees almost buckle just from the weight and pressure, but I managed to hold it together. “Thank you, Navarone. You and your warriors are welcome in my village as long as you would like to stay. And if you require any aid fixing your boat, we will help as we can.”

“I will ask the captain if there is anything we need that you can provide. I will also possibly send over traders, if you are interested. And one of my crew members would be interested in asking some of your people questions, if that would be permitted.”

“We are happy to share our culture,” he said, finally removing his hand. “I will assign a guide to you, if one is needed.”

“I think we’ll be fine,” I said. “But my presence is needed back on the ship. I have skills that assist in keeping Pertz pacified and I need to be there in case he tries breaking free.”

“Of course. If you or your crew has any need of my help, I should not be hard to find. It was a pleasure to meet you, Navarone.”

“And it was nice to see such a kind village,” I said with a nod. He smiled and very carefully ran a finger down my face, then started walking back to the center of the village. I kinda wondered what that meant, but I honestly didn’t care. “Zecora, do you need anything from them?” I asked.

“Perhaps. I will need to check over my inventory. I believe Rarity would also be interested in perusing their fabrics.”

“And the quartermaster will want to check over their food. Naga, you can return to the boat. Guards, stay here for now and watch over the ones we send over.” They saluted. “Twilight, feel free to ask all the questions you want.”

She gulped and forced down the pleasure, though she was still blushing up a storm. “N-nav, that’s the… the element of magic.”

“I kinda figured. Can you teleport Zecora back to the ship? I’ll fly—” Her horn lit up and Zecora and I both appeared on the deck. “That also works.” I went ahead and lowered the intensity on the remote.

Before I could go find the captain, the captain found me. “It seemed to go pretty well, judging by your new crown,” he said.

“Yeah. If you have anything to trade, they said we’re welcome to. They also said they’d be happy to help fix the boat, if there’s anything they can do.”

“I doubt it, but I’ll head over myself to ask. I’ll also bring my quartermaster. And I’m sure some of Twilight’s friends would be interested.”

“Yeah, probably. How’s the repair coming?”

“Well. Should be about four hours or so. Properly waterproofing it is time consuming.”

“I bet.” I finally pulled the stupid crown off my head. “I’ll go find Twilight’s friends.”

“And I’ll find my quartermaster. “ He went off to do his thing while I did mine.

Since it was Twilight’s element, I dumped the crown in her room then went to Rarity’s. She wasn’t in there, so I poked around until I found her in Fluttershy’s room. “We’re next to a friendly village, if you guys want to go say hi,” I said, leaning against the door frame.

Rarity looked fairly excited about it. Fluttershy looked somewhat worried, since she’s a little pussy. “What are the residents?” Rarity asked.

“Gorillas.” Some of her excitement dripped away. “They’re friendly. Twilight’s already over there and I left a guard squad. I figured you’d be interested in seeing their fabrics.”

“Did they have pets?” Fluttershy quietly asked.

“I dunno, probably? I wasn’t paying attention. You two are welcome to go if you want. And feel free to spread the word around to anyone else that might be interested. Just, you know, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Perish the thought,” Rarity sarcastically replied. “I am interested, at least. I shall pop over and see some of the sights. Can anypony go with us, or are you still worried about the ship being assaulted?”

“Man, I can’t imagine there’s much that’ll fuck with guests of the gorillas. Feel free to ask anyone to go with you. As long as I have one squad on deck and one watching Pertz, I’m happy.”

“Excellent. Fluttershy, would you be interested in joining me? After spending so long cooped up in the ship, I’m sure you’re feeling some manner of cabin fever…”

“Getting out would be nice,” she said, a small hint of a smile gracing her face. “Are you going back, Nav?”

“Nah. I’m not down with the hero worship shit and it seemed like it was heading that way. If shit gets bad, I’ll head over there, but it should be fine. Oh, and before you leave, ask that chick we picked up to go with you. Silver Quill or whatever her name is. The soldiers she had with her said she’s depressed and getting out might be good.”

“Happily,” Rarity said with a nod. “But I think I’ll prepare her a quick hat before I ask her. It’s quite bright out there. It really can’t be good for the eyes.”

“We’ll probably be leaving in around four hours, so be done with the village around then.”

“We shan’t take long, don’t you worry.” Since she seemed to have things in hand, I went on back to my room and beheld Taya on the bed in one of my shirts.

When she saw me enter, her eyes went wider than your mom’s ass, but she didn’t make any other movements. I chose not to comment and set my sword and gun down, then joined her on the bed.

After a few seconds, she cleared her throat.

I didn’t say anything.

She quietly removed the shirt, flew it over to one of my drawers, then sat on the bed next to me.

After a minute of silence, I pulled out the remote and said, “I’ll forget about that if you do me a favor.”

“...Okay.”

“Show this remote around and ask if anyone can figure out what it goes to. Tell them not to do any magic to it aside from holding it and not to take it apart. They can only play with the dials.”

“...Alright.” She took the remote with magic and then spent a second fiddling with it. “Um. Do you know what it does?”

“Yes. Take your time, and bring it back when you’re done.”

“Okay, daddy.” She walked out, her tail wagging. For some reason, Flo was giggling richly in the back of my head.

Five hours later, we were finally getting ready to go. The hole was repaired and it had been fairly thoroughly tested, everyone was back on board, Twilight was blushing up a storm as Spike confusedly messed with a strange remote, and my report for Celestia was ready to go.

“Are we ready?” Gourd asked when he found me on deck.

“Not quite,” I said. “I want to let Celestia know what’s what before we get into the ocean, in case she can grab this asshole for us.”

“Well, we’re ready whenever. Just let me know and I’ll tell the elementals to cast us off.”

“Yep.” I walked over to Spike, who had the controller up to his ear. It looked like it was on max and he was trying to tell if it was making a sound. “Spike, stop fiddling with that thing. I need you to send something to Celestia.”

“Huh? Oh.” He pulled it away from his ear and said, “Taya just asked me to look at it. Do you think Celestia’s awake now?”

“Yeah.” I held up an envelope for him. “If you would…” He took it and sent it away in a blast of flame. “You figure that thing out yet?”

“Nah. It’s kinda interesting, though. I like puzzles.” He started fiddling with the settings again. Twilight started walking over, a very strange look on her face. “Do you have any ideas?”

“One or two,” I said.

But before I could lie, Twilight grabbed my arm. “A word, Nav?” she asked in a tone that brooked no argument.

“Sure,” I said. She picked me up with magic and started dragging me away. Spike shrugged and twisted the dial back up to max, making Twilight flinch.

When we got to her room, she pressed me up against the wall. “WHAT THE HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, smiling. “The deal is that I got to control the remote. So I used that control to let other people play with it.” She really looked like she wanted to argue, but I was kinda right and she knew it. And of course, the way her back legs were shaking, I could tell she was feeling too good to stay angry. So I put one of my hands on her head and started rubbing her ears. “A deal’s a deal, silly,” I said as I leaned in for a kiss.

She moaned as her lips met mine. It looked like her tail was raising and I kinda wanted to do a little more, but the moment was ruined by Spike walking in.

His eyes immediately went to a place they shouldn’t. The way her tail was angled, he pretty much saw everything, from our kiss to her goods to the buzzing thing lodged in her goods. After a small blue screen of death moment, he slowly turned his head to the controller in one of his hands. Then he looked back to the buzzing thing. Then back to the controller.

When he looked back up, he got to see an extremely embarrassed Twilight and a smirking human. “So what did you need?” I happily asked. From the expression on his face, he knew exactly what had been happening, and didn’t really know what to make of it. He slowly turned the controller off. The buzzing we could all hear stopped and his ears dropped. He slowly put the controller on the floor. When it was out of his hands, he backed up, pulled the door shut, waited a few seconds, then knocked.

Twilight slowly pulled it open with magic, but refused to meet his gaze. Both of their faces were burning red and neither said anything. He just held up a return note from Celestia.

I walked around Twilight and grabbed it.

I need to speak to you alone. Return to your room.

“Thank you, Spike,” I said. “And we can have that discussion later, Twilight.” Neither of them said anything, so I scooped up the controller and walked on down to my room.

As soon as I closed the door, Celestia teleported in with an unusually loud pop, then shivered and lifted a hoof to her head. “It’s been some time since I teleported that far,” she said with another shiver.

“Can you get back with Pertz?” I asked.

“Yes. But I would also like to return with you. There’s been an emergency in the mage’s tower and I need you, your ring, and your key, if possible.”

“I’ll need to talk to Gourd and Watcher and see if they need me and if they have enough bits to cover repairs. But I should be able to go.”

She shook her head. “Your ship took damages in service of the crown, Navarone.” She magicked up an official-looking document and continued, “Give this to any shipwright at an official shipyard in Europe and they can bring it to a royal bank to be reimbursed for all repairs and materials.”

I took the document and quickly looked it over. It said pretty much the same thing she did, with a lot more fancy wording. “Neat. I’ll still need to talk to some people. I’ll show you to Pertz and then go find them.”

“Very well, though I would like to see some others before we depart.”

“Yeah. Twilight has some stuff for you. Shit got weird on this trip, man. Like, super strange. Shit was bananas.”

“Hm. You can tell me more when we have a moment’s peace. For now, take me to Pertz. I have words for him.”

“Right this way.” I led her out of my room and then down into the cargo hold. Thankfully, no one was out and about, so I didn’t need to explain why the hell the princess was there.

The one guard that looked up when we entered punched the other two, so they all dropped their cards to see who it was, then immediately gaped and started bowing.

Celestia paid them about as much attention as one would normally give a trash collector, and focused all of her attention on the dude in the chains. “It seems you… understated your treatment of him,” Celestia quietly said.

“That piece of shit didn’t want to leave,” I said with a shrug. “It was worse, but the elementals patched him up.”

“Do you still have his horn?”

“Zecora has it at the moment,” I said. “She wanted to study it and I told her she could, as long as she didn’t damage it.”

“We will take it with us, though he likely will not have it restored. Is it possible to speak with him?”

“Yeah, but I’d prefer if you waited until we’re back in Equestria. This dude had what appeared to be true magic. He can fuck up your palace all he wants, but I want my ship to survive.”

“Very well. I will converse with the elementals for a moment, then find Twilight.”

“Alright. I’m gonna go find Gourd and Watcher.” She started talking to the waters, so I figured I was done there. My first stop was Watcher’s room, since I figured he would be in there. Sure enough, he was, though he wasn’t alone. The door was open, so I didn’t feel too bad walking in on him and Zecora. They also weren’t doing anything lewd, thankfully.

“What do you need?” he asked as soon as he saw me, cutting Zecora off mid-sentence.

“Celestia teleported in and needs me back in Canterlot,” I said. “She also gave me a voucher to get the ship repaired for free. Do you need me for anything at the moment, or am I free to go back?”

“I believe we can handle Europe, sir. It’s best to keep Celestia placated. But if she just wants you there as a booty call, I am going to be very disappointed.”

“Agreed. And Zecora, she wants Pertz’s horn back.”

“I shall leave it next to him post-haste,” she said, sliding off the bed.

My next stop was the deck, where I figured Gourd probably was. Sure enough, he was talking to two of his crew members when I got up there, but stopped when I got close. “Are we ready to go?” he asked.

“Yeah. But Celestia needs me in Equestria. She also sent me this.” I passed him the free repair document. As he started scanning it, I said, “Money for repairs shouldn’t be an issue. If they try to refuse this thing, either find a different shipwright or send word through Spike.”

“You got it, Nav. I’ll send word when we start heading back to Canterlot to pick you up.”

“Works for me. I hate that fucking city. You need anything else?”

“Nah. This should be plenty. I think we can handle getting a ship repaired.”

“Good. Then I need to talk to Taya and then get ready.” He nodded and I walked over to the front of the ship, where Taya was staring at the ocean. Her horn was lit up and when I got next to her, I could see that she was lifting water up and tying it in knots. She heard my footsteps approaching and turned around with a smile across her face. “Bad news.” That smile dipped slightly. “Celestia needs me back in Canterlot.” That slight dip became a large dip. “I’ll probably be leaving as soon as I get my stuff ready.”

“...Can I go?” she asked.

“She’s either in the cargo hold or with Twilight right now. Go ask her.”

“She’s… here?”

“Yeah. Teleported in to get me and Pertz personally. I need to go start packing. Let me know what she says.”

“Of course, daddy.” She started purposefully trotting off.

My next stop was Pinkie’s room. Thankfully, she was in there, drawing in a coloring book. She looked up with her typical smile when I walked in. “Can you do something for me?” I asked.

“What do you need, ol’ buddy ol’ pal?” she asked, hopping up.

I held up the remote. “This goes to a vibrator in Twilight. I need to go to Canterlot and I won’t have time to play with it. Can you tease her for the rest of today and give the remote to her tonight for me?”

The typical smile on her face grew and she snatched the remote away. “I’d LOVE to!” She jerked the dial up and sighed in joy. “This is gonna be the best!”

“Enjoy. I’ll see you later, Pinks.” Before I could escape, she hugged me.

“See you later, Navi!” And just like that, she let go and went back to coloring, though she had the remote sitting next to her.

I finally went to my room and started packing. I had no idea what I would need and my armor wasn’t repaired yet, so I packed the carbon nanotube armor and several sets of clothes. I also grabbed the key and panicked about the ring for a moment before remembering that it was still embedded in Pertz.

By the time I got ready, a glum Taya joined me. “She said no…”

“I’m sure she has her reasons,” I said with a hug. “It shouldn’t take the ship too long to get repaired, and hopefully this business won’t take too long and she can teleport me back.”

Taya sighed and returned the hug. “I’ll miss you, daddy. Just promise me that you’ll stay safe.”

“Always.” After another several long seconds of hugging, I let go and pulled away. “Where is she now?”

“With Twilight…”

“Then that’s where I’m going. I’ll see you soon, Taya.”

She didn’t reply, sadly.

I found Celestia right as she was leaving Twilight’s room. I could see the hint of a blush on her face and she was carrying several pages of notes with her. I decided not to comment and instead asked, “Ready?”

“Yes. Let us go and collect Pertz.” We went back down to the hold. The guards immediately came to attention this time. Celestia noticed them just as much as before. “Elementals, can you please put him to sleep and remove the ring?”

None of them said anything, but his eyes closed and then they all oozed out. When each one was free, they slid up to his ear and did… something to it to make the ring slide right out, and healed the ear behind it.

“If you would, Nav?”

I reached over and caressed the elementals gently, making them turn pink. They held up the ring for me and I took it. “Thank you, girls. I’ll see you in a little while.” They all slid off Pertz and then through the wood on the bottom of the ship.

“Are you ready?” Celestia asked.

“Yep. Let’s go.”

Her horn lit up and the world seemed to shift and then I fell to my knees. She gently put a wing on my back. “That much magic buildup at once for someone who has not experienced magic in some time feels quite unpleasant,” she said.

At least I recovered quickly. I achingly pulled myself back up and shivered for a few seconds. “Fuck, that was bad.”

“My apologies. But Shining Armor can only hold his shield for so long. We needed to return sooner rather than later.”

“Shit, Shiny’s here? What kind of emergency did you say this was, again?”

She grimaced slightly. “Tell me, what do you know of demons?”

Chapter One Hundred and Forty — The Exorcism of Canterlot

Chapter One Hundred and Forty — The Exorcism of Canterlot

“Not much,” I slowly said. “Twilight’s library had no books about them. I know of the alphyns, but that’s about it.”

“Head to your room. I will meet you there after dealing with Pertz.”

I looked around the small room we were in before shrugging. “I have no idea where we are.”

“The teleport room. Find a window. I’m sure you know the way from outside.”

That was definitely true, so we went our separate ways. She dragged Pertz off to the dungeons or whatever and I found a window fairly quickly and defenestrated myself. Sure enough, I quickly figured out exactly where I was and made it to my room. Celestia seemed to have been expecting me, because the window was open and everything.

Or maybe the maids were still trying to air out the sex funk.

As soon as I landed, I upended my bag of clothes on the bed and pulled out the carbon nanotube armor. I wasn’t expecting to actually need it, but I was really glad I brought it. The stuff didn’t fit perfectly anymore, but I’d rather deal with some slightly tight clothes than getting stabbed through the chest. I stripped everything else off and slid into the armor, then covered myself in the usual assortment of weapons.

By the time I was finished with that, there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. I pulled it open and beheld a great white horse. “Sup, honeybuns?” I asked, stepping aside for her.

She let herself in and politely kicked the door shut behind herself. “Things have been somewhat tense these last few days,” she sighed, hanging her head slightly. “To make the story short, one of the mages found a ritual in an old book and tried performing it. Nothing happened at first and he left for the day. The ritual he found takes six hours to complete, and he left the chalk engraved into the floor.”

“That’s bad, isn’t it?”

“The monster it summoned was intelligent and knew the symbols for more of its kind. Thankfully, this was at night, so we don’t think the casualties were too high. But the only agent I sent inside hasn’t returned yet. I don’t know if there are still survivors, I don’t know if the demons are organized, I don’t know how many demons there are, I don’t know how powerful they are, and I honestly don’t know if you will be enough to help me tip the tide.”

This is just sounding better and better. “So what exactly do you need me to do?”

“Assist me. Most demons are beings of magic, and can’t truly be killed. But if their summoning marks are removed, they’ll return to Tartarus. The issue is that their marks are warded by magic. Once the demon is summoned, you either need to know their return sign or be able to use some manner of anti-magic to remove their original mark. I sent my demon hunter in as soon as I realized what was happening, but I haven’t had any word from him. I don’t know their signs and I don’t have time to find them. So I will escort you and you will remove their marks.”

“Sounds like the exact opposite of fun. When do we start?”

She smiled and gently prodded at my stomach with a hoof. “As soon as you get in armor.”

“This is my armor.”

Her smile dropped and she raised an eyebrow. “I believe you’re confused. That is a bodysuit. Where is your armor?”

I pulled out a knife and sliced across my arm before she could stop me. Nothing happened aside from her ripping the knife away from me. “This is stronger than steel, Celestia.”

She blinked a few times, then pulled me closer with magic and inspected my arm. “What magic is this?”

“The magic of technology,” I said. “It’s called carbon nanotubes. Stuff’s really light and really strong. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty malleable, so bruises and broken bones are still possible.”

She wordlessly ran the knife across my chest, doing pretty much nothing. “Amazing. Did you discover this in your travels?”

“Nah.” She let my arm go, so I took the knife and put it back up. “You ready to go?”

“Where did you obtain this armor?”

“From the humans, along with this gun. You ready to go?”

She sighed and said, “Yes. But I believe we will have a discussion about your foray into the past when we return. And leave all weapons but your sword here; they’ll only weigh you down.”

“So demons can’t be hurt at all?” I asked.

“That is not quite the case. Silver and cold iron are the primary physical weapons in a fight against a demon. That is why Luna’s attire is made of silver, and why her guards are armored in it. Your weapons are of steel, or hot iron. They could damage a demon with enough force, but raw iron and silver cause them much more distress. I believe your magical sword will have a similar effect.”

“Oh. Neat. And what’s the purpose of the key?”

“The mage’s tower has many magical defenses. Several of those are barriers, both magical and physical, that go up when the alarm is raised. I would rather circumvent these barriers, not be forced to blow them down.”

“Makes sense. Shall we, then?”

“Let’s.” I held the door open for her and then we both went into the hall. “I’m going to conserve as much magic as possible, so we’ll be flying over. Teleporting that far twice in one day was tiring, but I still have plenty of energy in reserve.”

“I didn’t ask, but okay.” She stared at me for a few seconds before turning and starting to walk. I stepped up next to her and followed. “I don’t suppose you read over any of that stuff Twilight sent, have you?”

“I haven’t had time. I can fully debrief you later. You said something strange happened, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. You can fully debrief me later. And depanty me, too.”

“Happily. I take it you have recovered from Chrysalis’s ill effects?”

“Sorta. Turns out I was infected with a brain-eating fungus from the mushroom madremonte. It was fucking my shit up. Chrysalis probably didn’t actually do anything.”

She was silent for several seconds before shaking her head slightly. “I see.”

We got to a window large enough to fit her ginormous ass, but she grabbed one of my wings with her mouth before I could do more than put a foot on the frame. When I turned to look at her, she let my wing go. “We aren’t going that way.”

“Alright, first, gross. I don’t know where that mouth has been.” She rolled her eyes. “Second, why not?”

“I am a princess, Nav. Unfortunately, I can’t just go jumping through random windows.”

“...Why not?” She slowly lifted an eyebrow. “You’re the princess. You’re the princess. That means you get to decide what’s right and what isn’t, and what’s decorous and what’s not.”

“I’m not jumping out that window.” She dragged me back in with magic and continued walking. “I am the princess and I do get to decide what is and isn’t a part of accepted decorum. And I have decided that jumping out of a window is not part of accepted decorum.”

I scoffed and continued walking next to her. “You’re just saying that because you know how much I love it.”

“Forgive me for trying to turn you into a proper lady.”

“Fuck no I won’t forgive you for that. Rarity tried doing that shit and I made sure she couldn’t sit down for a few days.” Of course, that just made her try again. But ‘hurting’ her is funny, so whatever.

She looked at me askance. “If you ever have intentions of being my… special somehuman, which I hope you still desire, you’ll need to learn to moderate yourself.”

“Bitch, I was a queen. I know full well how to do that shit. I just don’t give two fucks about placating people I don’t care about by being someone that isn’t me.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Oh, to be young again…”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. You don’t care about most of the people here, either. You do what you do to keep up an image and to use people. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“...I am not a liar.”

“Liar.” At least she smiled at that one.

Further bantering was precluded by our arrival at a socially acceptable extraction point, which happened to be a large balcony. A passing guard rushed to us when he saw Celestia put a hoof on one of the rails. “Princess, do you require an escort?”

She turned to look at him while brushing my chest with a wing. “Where I am going, only Navarone can protect me. Everypony else would just be a distraction.”

He didn’t look very comfortable with that, but bowed anyway. “As you command, Princess.” With that, he carried on, his wings twitching slightly.

Celestia looked back at me, wearing her cute little secret smile. “How much do you know about pegasus rituals?”

“Practically nothing. I skipped a lot of that boring shit when reading just about every book in the library. Which turns out to have been a very bad idea, all things told.” Fucking Fluttershy.

She chuckled and poked me with her wing again. “This is called feathermarking. It’s usually a sign of utmost trust. It signifies a deep and personal relationship.”

“Ah. I did know something like that. Cadance mentioned it when I was helping Gilda preen.”

“As far as I know, it is not the case for griffins. They are a pragmatic race, not very prone to fits of romance. Usually. There was one who tried to woo my sister ages ago, but he was so hilariously bad at it..."

“Yeah, Gilda laughed at her and called her a square. Or something like that, I don’t remember. Anyway, shall we?”

She nodded, dropping the smile and lifting her other wing. “Yes, Shining Armor is waiting on us.” With that, she launched her extra large body into the air. After taking a moment to appreciate the view, I joined her. Of course, she very quickly outpaced me, then realized she was doing so and hovered in the air until I caught up. “Did I not make the urgency clear? Hurrying would be wise.”

“Did I not make my slowness clear? Hurrying would be impossible. These wings are fucking garbage. They get me from point A to point B. They do not get me from A to B quickly.” Unless those points happen to be extremely close.

“...I assumed you were exaggerating out of laziness.” With that, she used magic to pull me closer and then sat me on her back. “When we get in sight of the guards at the tower, remove yourself.” We finally took off in earnest. Honestly, I don’t know why she was bitching. If she had just jumped out the stupid window, we would have already been there, even at my slower pace.

But whatevs.

Normally, the silhouette of the mage tower on the mountain was fairly unnoticeable. The giant floating rock next to it was definitely more eye-catching, not that I had really ever paid it much mind until I actually visited the place. Now, though, the entire place was covered in Shiny’s gay pink bubble. It was obvious that something was going on, and I wondered how far the news that there were literally demons loose in the tower had spread.

Knowing Celestia, I’d say not very.

Once I was able to see a group of guards below us, I shot my wings out and caught some wind, taking me off Celestia’s back. I didn’t want her prickly little reputation hurt, after all. She paid it no mind, but slowed her pace to match mine as we flew down to the guards holding the line.

Though honestly, the line didn’t seem all that difficult to hold. Shiny’s shield was up, and that overpowered thing meant not much could get out anyway. Even with it, some of the guards looked concerned, and Shiny himself seemed fairly grim.

Celestia landed right in front of him and I quickly touched down at her side. He cut off the conversation he was having with one of the guards and one of his legs started to salute before he remembered he wasn’t a soldier anymore. He slowly lowered it.

“Has anything happened?” Celestia asked.

“A few more survivors trickled out,” Shiny said, looking to one of his sides. Three night guards were watching a group of very scared unicorns. “They had no useful information. We’re keeping them here for the moment to prevent a panic in the city.”

“None of them saw the inquisitor?” she asked.

“It doesn’t seem that way, no. Most were in too much of a hurry to get away. It doesn’t sound like anyone was killed, but, well…”

“There are worse things than dying,” Celestia quietly said, before turning to me. “Are you ready, Nav?”

“Man, being a hero fucking sucks,” I sighed.

Shiny blinked at my voice. “I… So Cadance was telling the truth,” he said. I grit my teeth and his ears twitched. “It’s good to see you again, Nav. I’d like to talk, once you get this mess sorted out.”

“Okay.” His ears twitched again and I figured he probably learned from Cadance what it means when a woman says okay with a very neutral tone. I slid the ring on and started walking into the no man’s land. Celestia strode next to me.

When she got to the bubble, she lowered her horn to it and used some kind of magic to open a hole. I just walked through the bubble itself, because my ring is super awesome. Once she was through, she used her horn to zip the hole back.

We were still a hundred or so meters away from the tower itself. I could very faintly hear some kind of stringed instrument in the background, but that was the only noise I could detect. “It’s quiet,” I said before we started walking again.

“It is,” Celestia confirmed.

“...Quiet is better than screaming.”

“Screaming means the victim is still alive.”

I chose to let the quiet return. We quickly walked up to the front doors of the massive tower. When we got to it, we stared at it for a few seconds.

Finally, she tilted her head slightly my way. “Nervous?”

“Nah, just annoyed. This was supposed to be my break after the bullshit of the Congo. Instead I’m fighting demons.”

She patted my back with a wing, but it didn’t feel very consolatory. “As soon as you’re ready, use the key on the door.”

Somewhat unsurprisingly, the large doors had a single keyhole right between them. My key wasn’t anywhere near a perfect fit, but it didn’t matter. Once it got inside, it turned and I could hear the locks grinding open. Sure enough, when I pulled the key out, the doors slowly pushed themselves open. The music immediately got louder.

Celestia’s horn lit up and some kind of shield fell over her, but it didn’t touch me. We walked in side by side and instantly beheld the first demon. Now, I consider myself a seasoned traveler. I’ve seen some weird fucking shit. So when I call something out on being strange, it means something. This motherfucker was strange as fuck.

Both of his legs were extremely long and one hundred percent flexible, like there weren’t any joints in them at all. There were multiple thin sinews on the back of each one, and he was holding one of his legs in such a way that he was playing the sinews like a harp. He’d bend and stretch the leg as needed to tighten or loosen the strings to make different pitches. Each arm ended in a single hook that looked like it was perfect for plucking strings. He had a single eye, but it was closed at the moment to focus more fully on the song. To make up for one eye, he had several holes in the side of his head that probably acted as ears, and each one seemed to protrude slightly in different directions. They were all twitching, but the one facing the door was twitching the most. All of his skin was grey. He had no hair or clothing at all, but he also didn’t have a dick, so at least it wasn’t too weird.

At the moment, he was lounging across the receptionist’s desk, playing a hauntingly bewitching tune with his creepy fucking legs. Celestia’s brow furrowed and she continued walking in. Since she seemed to assume it was safe, I went further in and realized the demon had an audience.

Several unicorns of all ages were sitting in front of him, completely entranced by the music. Each one was smiling and they were rocking back in forth in unison. None of them even noticed us enter.

Once we got a few meters into the room, Celestia started looking around the walls. From the sound of the song, it seemed like she didn’t have much time left before it ended. But for all I knew, the thing had been going on since the whole demon invasion thing started.

Unfortunately, it turned out that I was right. About a minute after she started looking around the room in earnest, the song ended and his eye opened, revealing that he had a goat iris. His mouth eased open and he sighed, revealing that his mouth looked pretty much like a gash across his face. When he smiled, bent and crooked teeth greeted us. “Celestia,” he purred.

“Apadiel,” she coldly replied. “You have no business here.”

“I go where my fans are,” he said, slowly waving one of his hooks around the room. “And I have many fans here.”

“For good reason,” I said, taking a step forward. He turned his eye on me. “That song was really good. You ever consider, I don’t know, not being evil?”

Celestia slowly face hoofed while he giggled and ran his hand across his leg strings. When the sound dimmed slightly, he said, “I am no more evil than you, stranger. But I do thank you for the compliment. Would you care to join the rest of my fans in glorious adoration?”

“Not particularly.” His smile slipped just a little. “It has a good sound, but not good enough to give up my soul or anything.”

He chuckled yet again and said, “Well, I’m afraid you likely won’t have a choice.” One of his legs stretched out yet again and he started playing another beautiful song. “Come to me, angel of music.”

I let a blank look come over my face and I slowly started walking toward him. He smiled deeper and finally closed his eye, focusing back on his music, trusting that I would fall under his spell. Celestia’s breath caught as I continued to him and I almost heard her call out before I flapped my wing slightly, hopefully signalling her.

The demon continued his song of delight as I paced through his audience. His eye finally opened when I stopped to stand right in front of him. “What say you, angel of music?” he quietly asked as he continued to play.

In one smooth motion, I drew my sword and cut all the sinews on his leg, instantly stopping the music. “I say that my name is not Christine,” I replied.

That opened the floodgate. He instantly started howling, then fell backwards off the receptionist’s desk. I heard the sound of a few dozen hooves slamming into the floor behind me, probably signifying that each pony in the audience jumped to their feet.

I was relying on Celestia to take care of that as I tried to handle the demon. He couldn’t run very fast with one stump leg, but they were still a lot longer than mine. It granted him enough speed to get to the door leading into the stupidly long hallways before I could, but some kind of magic forcefield stopped him.

Apadiel put his back against it and glared at me. “Keep that freezing iron away from me, whore!”

“Calling me a whore isn’t making me want to hurt you any less, demon,” I said. “According to Celestia, you can’t be killed. But the way I figure, there’s a first time for everything. So go ahead, keep talking smack and I’ll put it to the test. Or stop being a little shit head and let us send you back to Tartarus.”

His eye actually started glowing red and for a second I wondered if I fucked up. That was quickly confirmed by the hoof slamming into me from behind. One of the unicorns got past Celestia, or she was just trusting me to handle it, either or. As soon as I turned my back on the demon to deal with the new threat, Apadiel wrapped his undamaged freakish leg around my throat, then started tightening the sinew.

I wouldn’t mind dying with legs wrapped around my head, but not his and not like that. I kicked the pony in the face and then pushed myself backwards, into the demon. He caught me with his hook hands and drew me closer, so I reversed my sword and thrust it under one of my arms, catching him right in the stomach.

The leg immediately let me go and I stumbled away. Celestia finally got her shit together and added the pony that kicked me to the herd of others she was holding in place with magic. Before I could try to cut the demon’s head off, she said, “Nav, over here!”

I really wanted to try killing that bitch, but I figured she knew what she was about, so I went over there. She was standing behind the receptionist’s desk, where a glowing symbol was drawn into the floor with chalk. It looked like some kind of weird H, with one of the sides jutting off randomly. “So this is his summoning symbol?” I asked, sheathing my sword.

“The symbol of Apadiel, demon of music,” she said. “It must be erased for him to be unsummoned.”

There was a scarf on the receptionist’s chair. I pulled it down and spit on it. Before I could started erasing the mark, the demon croaked, “Wait!”

“Now, Nav!”

But I was honestly kinda curious. I had never met a demon before, so I turned to look at him. “Why? You tried to ensorcell me.”

“We’re trying to escape! Nestorats rises in power and threatens us all…”

Celestia scoffed. “The petty struggles of power in Tartarus do not concern me, demon. Navarone, send this filth back where it belongs.”

That name caught my ear. “Nestorats?” I asked, taking a small step forward. “Is that perhaps a fire demon?”

“It is a monster!” he hissed. “Being on an island with that demon of fire is no punishment that I deserve! All I wanted to do was make music.”

“You enslaved my ponies, Apadiel,” Celestia said. “And you enslaved my sister when I sent her to bring you to me.”

“I make slaves no more than you, Celestia,” he growled. “You just content yourself with saying that you do it for their own good!”

“Enough of this! Navarone, send this demon back to Tartarus!”

I got the information I needed. Honestly, I didn’t want to send him back to hell, but whatever. “For what it’s worth,” I said, “I really did like the song. And I really don’t want to send you back. But I can’t have you entrancing people with music. That’s bad or whatever.”

He started screaming when I bent down to finally wipe his symbol away. His body faded slightly with each scrub until the entire symbol was gone. Finally, I stood back up to admire my handiwork. The demon was fully gone and the ponies were looking around the room in shock.

Celestia quickly took charge of that one. “You’ve been under a curse, my little ponies,” she softly said. “We removed the source. Please, exit the tower and head for the gate. My guards will keep you safe until we have saved everypony else.” Some of them started to ask questions, but she lifted a hoof. “Please, Navarone and I don’t have much time. Others might still be in danger.”

Some of them looked like they wanted to debate and a few were probably old enough that they weren’t used to being told what to do, but it’s hard for a pony to ignore a direct order from Celestia, so they all walked or galloped out of the tower, leaving just the two of us standing there.

When the last one was far enough away that they couldn’t hear us, she slowly turned her head to me. “Navarone, when I tell you to send a demon back to Tartarus, you don’t talk to the demon, you send it back to Tartarus! These things are not saveable, they are not redeemable, they are not safe! My sister and I put them there for a reason.”

“Celestia, you’re evil too.” She flinched back. “Just because your brand of evil doesn’t synergize with theirs doesn’t mean they can’t be useful. Like, take that dude we just sent back. If you could get him to not be a dickwad for like five minutes, he’d be fucking amazing in a theater. You’d probably need some good marketing or whatever to get past his creepy-ass looks, but I’d totes pay to see him play. Dude has some serious skill.”

She was silent for a few seconds before sighing. “Apadiel is a special case. He perhaps could be reformed. It was for my sister’s sake that we sent him to Tartarus. She was… displeased at having her will bent. It is something that I will consider. And that is the last I will speak of it.”

“Alright, whatevs. So that’s one down. Do we know how many are left?”

She slowly looked around the room before shrugging slightly. “I imagine no more than five remain. We caught the infestation fairly quickly. These symbols take power to put down, so only a few can be placed at a time. And few demons have enough friends to summon many that wouldn’t turn on them. Apadiel being here is actually a relief; it means we’ll most likely run into demons on the less evil side.”

“Ballin’. So where to next?”

She eyed the door and then the teleportation platform. “I don’t trust the platform at the moment. It might work, but it would likely be trapped. The stairs are in the hallway… Somewhere.”

“So… sweep and clear?”

“Sweep and clear,” she replied with a nod. “We will likely find more ponies trapped by the magical defenses. One will be able to give us directions.”

“...When’s the last time you walked through this hallway?” I asked.

“Oh, a few years. A few… hundred years. Why?”

“This place is a maze. You know that, right?”

She lifted an eyebrow. “A maze? In what way?”

“In the way that taking the wrong door will lead you halfway down the hallway, as well as show you dozens of rooms you would have otherwise never seen. It’s some kind of weird spatial anomaly that the unicorns twisted out and made sense out of.”

Her head slowly turned to the foreboding door. “Oh. Maybe I should have actually read the reports they were sending me when they remodeled.”

“God dammit, Celestia.” She sheepishly smiled. “Whatever. I got armor, so I’m taking point.”

“Very well. I’d also prefer your eyes ahead instead of on… certain parts of me.”

I rolled my eyes, though it was a very good point. When we were both ready, I pressed my key against the magic barrier and it shattered, making the hallway door slide open. Once we were both inside, something flashed and the door slammed shut.

“So what was that?” I asked, pulling my sword out.

“I can take a few guesses,” she said. “Some kind of magical defense I wasn’t aware of is most likely.”

“Yeah, let’s stay optimistic,” I sarcastically replied as I hefted the blade. She didn’t say anything, so I walked over to the door on my immediate right, the first door of literally hundreds. I knocked, waited a second, then opened it. On the other side was an empty research room. “It’s gonna be a long day.” Celestia just sighed, then we both jumped as another flash went by and the door slammed shut.

We repeated that for another twenty doors. Each one was an empty research room of some kind. They were all brimming with stuff that was out of the ordinary, but nothing Celestia seemed to think was dangerous.

After the thirtieth or so door slammed shut in my face, we both heard some kind of weird laugh that sounded like it was sped up several hundred times. Shit sounded super weird and that made Celestia sigh yet again. “Blisdon, demon of speed,” she said.

“Oh great, so they come in ‘gotta go fast’, too.”

That made the demon giggle again, of course. With him flashing all over the place, it sounded like it was coming from all sides at once.

Finally, he stopped several meters down the hall from us. Sure enough, it was a giant blue fucking hedgehog.

…

Nah, I’m fucking with you. Now kill yourself for reading my journal.

He was blue, but that’s as far as the similarities go. Both of his eyes were pure white, he had no nose, no ears, no hair, and no teeth. Each of his three legs ended in a sharp point and he had no arms. Every part of his body looked completely smooth and streamlined, to provide the maximum performance, though I had no idea how he could move so fast on three legs.

“Hello again, Celestia,” the demon said, then seemed to spring forward a few meters. “Have you come to give me another chance?”

“I have come to send you back to Tartarus, demon,” she said.

“I haven’t the slightest why,” he casually said, lifting one of his legs. I pulled up my sword to try to defend against whatever he might do, but he just stared at me. “I don’t remember doing anything to deserve an eternity of running away from monsters…”

“You stole just to steal. You hurt others just to hurt them. You misused your powers, demon, then ran as we tried to bring you to justice.”

“Your words are ever so wounding, my dear. I never truly hurt anyone!”

“You destroyed lives and relationships!”

He chuckled and disappeared yet again. “I didn’t physically hurt them…” Celestia started grinding her teeth. “But that will change soon.” Just like that, something jabbed against my side and I slammed into the wall, dropping my sword. The armor took the blow without cracking, but there was enough force in it to knock the wind out of me and possibly break a bone or two. “I’m not going back!”

I pushed myself away from the wall and grabbed my sword. “Apadiel wasn’t too bad,” I gasped, trying to catch my breath. “But you’re a douche canoe.” I saw a flash in the corner of my eye and swung my sword, but hit nothing.

“You’re too slow!” he mocked, running literal circles around me. After that, he vanished again.

Celestia immediately jumped next to me. “Are you injured?”

“Bruised badly and possibly something broken, but he didn’t puncture anything.”

“Remove your ring. I’ll heal you.”

“Not yet. Do you have some kind of molasses spell or something? Some way of slowing this asshole down?”

She bit her lower lip and started thinking. “I… might. It’s a temporal distortion spell that slows things down in its area of effect.”

“Then cast it behind us.” Her horn lit up. A few seconds later, it went much brighter and the tiles around her hooves cracked. Then some kind of… distortion appeared behind us. Before I had a chance to really look at it, the demon got stuck in it like some kind of shitty fly paper.

Of course, as fast as he was moving, he was still moving at a fairly decent speed in his distortion. But he was moving slow enough that I could stab the fucker, so that’s just what I did. Before he could fully even flinch back from that, I sliced two of his legs open as well.

Celestia groaned and pulled me out of the way with one of her hooves, then the field collapsed and the demon tumbled down the hallway, sliding to a halt several dozen meters ahead of us. The princess couldn’t move well at the moment, so I rushed down there to get to him.

Blisdon was struggling to stand when I got there. Two of his legs were fucked and he had a hole in his body, so it was a downhill battle. Not having arms didn’t help, of course. Neither did pushing his good leg out from under him.

“Talk shit, get hit!” I yelled, kicking him in the side.

Before I could keep tormenting him, Celestia finally caught up. The demon slowly looked up at her, a haunted expression on his face. “You know the problem with being faster than light?” he quietly asked. That almost proved too much for him, as he started coughing. But apparently demons are made up of some pretty strong stuff, so he recovered and continued, “You can only live in darkness…”

“That’s emo as fuck, ya damn crybaby,” I said. “Stop being a little bitch.”

Celestia actually smiled and patted me on the back with a wing. “Where’s your summon sign, Blisdon?” she asked. “When you return to Tartarus, you’ll be fully healed.”

“Fast or slow, I’d rather die than go back there,” he growled.

So I cut off his head.

Celestia gasped and his body seemed to spasm, then… glitched. I don’t really know how to describe it, but it seemed to phase out of existence for a moment and then reappear again, whole and undamaged. We all had a moment to look surprised before I stabbed him again, thankfully before he could react. This time, I made sure not to hit anything too vital.

“Alright, now I know what you meant,” I said. “My bad.” He was still struggling to get back up, so I slashed two of his legs again.

“Do not do that again,” Celestia calmly said.

“Got it. Is there any way to track this guy’s summoning sign, or do we just have to keep looking in every room until we find the damn thing?” She sighed and lowered her horn to Blisdon’s head. He tried moving away from her, but I put my foot on his back and forced him down. “They always gotta choose the hard way, don’t they?”

“It is in the nature of demons to resist,” Celestia said, pressing her horn against Blisdon’s face. “Which is why they must be kept safely in Tartarus, where they can only harm each other.”

The demon started reaching his good leg toward Celestia, so I pinned it to the floor with my sword, making his entire body spasm in pain. “Don’t try none of that begging bullshit,” I said. “It didn’t do Apadiel any good and you’re more annoying than he was. Just keep that shit to yourself.”

“I can track his summoning mark,” Celestia finally said, standing back up. The demon started groaning. “Oh, grow up. You live in Tartarus, you can deal with a little pain.” That didn’t stop him from groaning, sadly. “Let’s go, Nav.”

“Should I leave him pinned to the ground?” I asked.

“No. Anything left on him will disappear with him back to Tartarus when we remove the mark. It isn’t far and I don’t think he’s going anywhere, sword or not.”

I shrugged and pulled the sword out, then slid it up. “So do all demons not have blood, or just these two?” I asked when we started walking.

“Most of them are sustained purely by magic when they’re in this realm. If you were to attack them in Tartarus, they would be more likely to bleed.” She pushed open a side door that led to a gym. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a group of muscle wizards in the tower or if the gym was just there so the unicorns didn’t get as fat as Celestia.

When we got to the group of treadmills, Celestia’s horn lit up and two of them pulled up and away, revealing a glowing blue mark on the floor. This one looked like a stick figure with tiny legs, huge arms, and a large mustache.

“The mark of Blisdon, demon of speed,” she said with a nod.

“I don’t know, are you sure?” I asked. “You think maybe there was another demon out there when you started trying to track his sign?” She rolled her eyes. “Just sayin’, bro.”

“Just erase the stupid mark… sis.” That made it my turn to roll my eyes. I walked over to one of the walls and grabbed a towel and a water bottle, then walked back and cleaned up the shitty drawing. We faintly heard a short howling from the hall.

“Two down,” I said, tossing the towel aside. “Was he one of the violent ones?”

“Not particularly,” she said as she moved closer. When she was right in front of me, she used a hoof to start peeling up my armor. That’s when I remembered that I was actually hurt and flinched in pain. “Please, remove your ring.” My side was already starting to turn purple, so I pulled the ring off. She sighed in relief and very carefully pressed her horn against it. Thankfully, she was so gentle that I didn’t feel the pressure until the wound was healed away. “Not broken, but cracked.”

“Which is bad enough, if you keep moving,” I said, stroking one of her ears. She smiled and took it for a few seconds before pushing my shirt back down and moving away. “So yeah, was he a bad one?”

“Yes, but not a violent one. He stole just to be mean and he would use his speed to put ponies in very compromising positions to ruin marriages and relationships. He almost caused a war before my sister and I could devise a way to get him into Tartarus.”

“Okay, that’s kind of impressive.”

She sighed and shook her head. “The sheeps and the dogs also agreed. Well, after they got over their outrage after seeing the dog CEO in bed with the underage sheep princess. The sheep weren’t under my influence then, so they would have been on their own against the dogs.”

“Huh. That would be… baa’d.”

Before I could even react, she put another bruise back on me.

At least she kissed it better after giggling at my pain for a lot longer than was necessary.

That gave us a semi-decent break after getting rid of two demons, even if they weren’t particularly difficult ones to remove. “So why is this usually hard?” I asked as we walked down the hall. We were still popping doors open, but we were only doing it to check for staircases; Celestia decided only one demon would probably be in the hallway.

“Two reasons,” she said, casually flinging open doors with abandon, because magic is stupid. “One, because not everypony has the skill strong enough to use grandmaster level protection spells or a magic ring that protects against all of their passive effects. And two, because most of the demons who get summoned and actually escape specialize in battle. The first demon summoned here probably wasn’t warded at all and the rest were summoned by the first demon. Trust me, if either of the demons we fought so far was actually dangerous, I would have taken your sword and held them off while you found their mark.”

“You couldn’t do it with magic alone?”

“Not and hope to fight another one a few minutes later. Their magic resistance is higher than that of an elder dragon. It would take both magic and the sword to be able to reliably fight a demon lord of war.”

“Demon… lord?” I asked, looking over at her. “Do they have ranks?”

“Of… sorts,” she said, waving a wing. “The demons we are facing here are all likely demon lords. They took some of the native residents of Tartarus and corrupted them over time, turning them into greater demons. Those greater demons create lesser demons. Most of their hosts are small due to the violent nature of the realm, but some have large armies.”

“Huh. Can the other demons leave Tartarus?”

“Yes, but their summoning signs are rare because of their attrition rate. Signs can only be unveiled by an oracle, who are few and far between these days. That means knowledge of their signs are passed on infrequently and usually, the weaker demons die before they can ever be summoned. The signs of the demon lords have never and will never change, so they are much more widespread.

“The demon lords can’t summon them?”

She shook her head. “They don’t know the signs either. Furtur, the demon of weather, once captured an oracle before we could track him and used her to get the signs for several of his followers. That was a very interesting fight.”

“Can they turn things into demons if they’re summoned?”

“No. Most of the ponies who summon them do so to be turned into demons so they can get revenge on somepony who wronged them. They usually get pulled into Tartarus and are either sold into slavery or given away as gifts.”

“Huh. Who needs slaves in demon world?”

“Unique pets are interesting, I suppose. And pets from the race that sent you to Tartarus to begin with are even better. I imagine some end up being turned into demons eventually, but at that point, there’s practically nothing left of the pony’s original mind.”

“Sounds like a well-deserved fate,” I replied with a shrug.

“Nopony should be forced to go through that, even if they were planning murder.”

“...Yet you’re okay with subjecting the native residents of Australia to it.”

She was silent for a few seconds. Luckily for her, she finally pushed open the door leading to the staircase. “Here we are.” She started to walk to it, but I put my hand on her side, making her stop.

“I’m a lot less important than you are,” I said, stepping in front of her. “And I’m a lot better protected.”

Before I could walk too far, she giggled and pulled me into a hug with her wings. “A long time ago, you told me you wouldn’t take a dagger meant for me,” she sighed. “I’m glad you think so much more of me now.”

“Celestia, why are you so squishy and adorable?”

“To catch my opponents off guard,” she said with one final nuzzle.

I just shook my head and finally started walking up the stairs. It seems they also took advantage of some of the spatial anomaly, because one small flight of stairs took me up to the next landing, where the door to the second floor was. “Is this it, or is it some kind of trap?” I asked.

“I have no idea.” She walked up to the door and tried it. The handle was locked, unsurprisingly. “Try your key.”

I did so and the door swung open, revealing another hallway. This one wasn’t nearly as bland as the super long first floor one, though. It had several decorations, like paintings and vases and shit. My hand found its way to my sword and I crept in, hopefully ready for some kind of ambush. Celestia followed me much less cautiously, presumably expecting me to have tripped any kind of trap.

“Sweep and clear again?” I asked after we got a few meters in.

“Yes. I could actively check for demons, but they would know they’re being hunted. I’d rather come upon them unawares.”

“...Even if it also means that we’re unaware?”

She opened her mouth to reply, froze in place, closed her mouth, shrugged, and then lit up her horn. “This spell will help us find them within a twenty meter radius. At the very least, it will save us from opening every door.”

That made me relax, finally. “Good. That means this won’t take nearly as long.” And it meant I didn’t have to keep my guard up nearly as much. I was still definitely on alert, but I wasn’t too worried anymore.

“Somehow, it doesn’t feel to me that you’re giving this a proper sense of urgency,” she quietly said.

“Man, none of this means shit to me. Sure, demons are bad I guess, but I mean, you know, whatever. It’s just another job for me. Doesn’t mean I have to have passion for it, you know? I’d much rather be in bed right now.”

She sighed and shook her head. “You are terrible at being a hero. I wish—Stop.” We both ground to a halt and I immediately pulled my sword out. “Three doors down. Left.” Her horn stopped glowing and she eased slightly behind me.

We waited like that for nearly a minute before I started moving down the hall, keeping my sword at the ready. She followed my slow pace, making sure to keep half or so a meter of space between us. “Didn’t you say they could sense that spell?” I asked when we stood in front of the door.

“Yes. Stand to the side.” I moved to the right of the door and she took the left. When we were both situated, she blew it open with magic. Nothing happened, so I darted in, sword raised.

What I saw actually made me pause. The floor was covered in sleeping ponies. Each one was connected to some kind of demon in the middle by strange, wispy tendrils. The demon itself was purple, but each of the tendrils had a different color. All four of its eyes were closed. The thing’s face had no other features. Its arms seemed incredibly soft, almost doughy, and ended with just a stump. It had six legs and each one seemed to have far too many joints.

At the moment, it was lying down, completely unmoving. Before I could get too far into the room, a new tendril appeared and shot toward my face. I tried blocking it with the sword, but the smokey thing wrapped around it and slid up my nose. Before I hit the ground, I saw another one going over my shoulder.

I immediately ended up in a dream, not that I knew it at the time. The area around me was dark, which immediately put my mind back at the bunker in Antarctica. My body started shivering as the temperature rapidly dropped and soon I could see my breath. After several seconds, my vision acclimated enough that I could just barely see around. Sure enough, dull grey walls surrounded me, leaving me with just one direction.

I didn’t want to move with no weapons, but staying still risked me freezing to death, so I started walking, wondering how I got wherever I was. Shortly after I started moving, the world seemed to grow a few shades darker and I heard laughter all around me. I couldn’t see anything, so I kept moving.

Soon, I started hearing very heavy footfalls behind me. I looked back and didn’t see anything, so I began walking faster. The feet sped up to match me and then something started scratching the walls as well. I wanted no part of that shit, so I just started running. The laughter picked up again as the feet started truly chasing me.

We’ve all had that dream where you’re running down a long hallway being chased by some kind of indeterminate evil thing. When you think back on it, it was obvious that it was a dream. But when you’re in the moment, all you can think about is trying to stay alive. You can’t spare any processing power on abstract thinking. Unfortunately, a few years either on a battlefield or training for one took the fight or flight part of my brain and hypercharged it, meaning I was even more focused on either running or fighting. And at the moment, I was doing my best to get the absolute fuck away from whatever the hell was chasing me.

Until I tripped and landed in a brightly lit hallway. Before I could even think, I pushed myself back up and whirled around, which made me realize a few things that seemed strange for all of an instant, before things seemed to normalize. First, that I was in a school surrounded by human children. Second, that I was a guy again, if a young one. Third, that I was dressed up like one of Rarity’s dolls. The high heels were what made me trip and my face burned as the kids around me started laughing.

“Nonny’s all dressed up!” one of the boys jeered, reaching over and flipping up my dress, revealing panties and stockings underneath. “I bet she wants a boy to ask her to the dance!” I looked down and balled my fists up, making them all laugh more.

“Or she wants to get invited to a slumber party,” a girl mockingly said, grabbing and tugging on the bow on the back of the dress.

Suddenly, something grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me back. “That is not the dress code, Anonymous,” the principal said. “That dress is far too short and low cut!” A chair appeared out of nowhere and she sat down, then dragged me over her knee. “Watch closely, students. This is what comes from disobedience!” They all laughed and cheered as the principal pulled up the dress and started spanking me.

It was enough to make my young body start crying in frustration and pain. The tears started pooling up on the ground and my mind quickly turned them into an ocean and made everything else disappear around me.

I was freely floating in an infinite expanse of water. All I could see was the blue water and the black sky above me. Something tugged on my leg and pulled me slightly, making me shout and take in salty water. Whatever it was let me go and I started flailing, hoping to make whatever it was fuck off.

That had the opposite effect. Both of my legs got grabbed. I tried pulling up on them to break away, but the things pulled back and started dragging me under. In my panic, I started screaming some more, taking on even more water as I was drawn beneath the depths. Soon, only my hands were above the water, twitching around to try to find any purchase.

Just before my arms slid all the way under, something wrapped around one of them. “Rise, my child,” something in my head whispered, and began pulling.

As I rose out of the water, everything started clicking. I remembered who I was. I remembered what I was doing. I remembered why I was there. I remembered that I was dreaming. And finally, I remembered the one who was saving me. “Flo.”

“This watery realm gave me enough purchase in your mind to save you,” she said. “You are in a deep, deep sleep. This demon seems to be feeding off of your dreams.”

“That is my job,” I growled.

“Indeed it is. So what are you going to do about it?”

My eyes narrowed and I concentrated harder than I ever had in a dream. The demon’s will was strong. Incredibly strong. But so was my hate for it. That, mixed with Flo’s assistance, was enough to let me break into the dream anteroom. My gaze slowly moved around, taking it in.

This anteroom was purple, the same shade as the demon. There were only a few dreams in there, presumably the dreams of the ponies held captive. Each one had a solid tendril connected to it that led to a central dream, one that was a multitude of shifting colors.

“Very, very interesting,” I slowly said. “Thoughts?”

“The same as yours,” she said. “The threads need to be severed and then you likely need to enter the demon’s dream.”

As an experiment, I jumped to a random dream and tried yanking the tendril out. I could hold it, but pulling it did nothing. Same result when I tried cutting it. “Hmm.”

When I looked in the dream (which happened to be a happy one, the lucky bastard), I saw the solution. A purple spectre was haunting the dream, acting as an integral part of whatever made the pony happy.

So I jumped in and killed the fucking shit out of it before it could realize I was there. That made the dream pop, ejecting me back into the anteroom.

I have no idea if the pony woke up or if he just fell into a normal sleep. But I figured if he did wake up, I should probably find Celestia pretty quickly, on the off chance she was asleep as well.

When I thought of the great white horse queen, my head quickly turned toward a golden dream and I jumped to it. Celestia was having tea and crumpets with me and her sister. Luna and I were wearing matching rings. The dream demon was acting as a servant. That was enough of a travesty to make me immediately jump into the dream, take the tea I was about to sip, and toss it in Luna’s face. She flinched back in surprise and didn’t even think to block the small fork I was jamming into her eye.

Celestia just watched in shock as I brutally murdered the shit out of her sister, my ‘wife’. When Luna stopped twitching, I casually tossed the fork aside and teleported onto Celestia’s back, then put a knife to her neck. “So do I have your attention?” I asked.

“Nav, what… you… why?!”

“This is a dream, Celestia.”

“You murdered my sister!”

I flipped off her back and stared in her eyes. Her horn lit up, but I snapped and made the horn appear in my hand. “This. Is. A. Dream.” Understanding slowly passed between us and she gasped.

“What…” She sighed and said, “Aislin, demon of dreams.”

The demon servant walked up to us, then. “Indeed it is, Celestia. I’m quite surprised your guard was able to get to you. But I’ll be harvesting her terror again soon, don’t you worry.” The demon started reaching for me, so I threw Celestia’s horn at it, killing it and making it disappear. I immediately popped out of the dream.

“Well, this is going to get interesting,” I said, looking around the anteroom. As I did, I noticed all of the dreams darkening, so I couldn’t just look in to see what people were dreaming. That made it slightly more dangerous, but I couldn’t die and I presumably had as long as I needed.

So I picked the first black dream I saw, jumped in, and murdered the spooky skeleton that was chasing the pony. Then I jumped into the next black dream and killed a few changelings. Then another, killing Luna. Then a bunch of other things, though it got harder to tell who was the actual target when I couldn’t see the spirit unless I was looking in. I solved that by making everyone explode.

That cycle pretty much continued until I got to the last pony dream. I made sure to save a golden one for last, because I figured a happy dream wouldn’t be all too dangerous. The only real downside is that the demon would be waiting for me in the last one.

As soon as I pulled my way in, the sky instantly turned black and I landed in a metal box that immediately closed on me and started filling with acid. I made it disappear before my shoes could melt all the way and made a firebomb go off around me. That didn’t work and something landed at my feet, so I teleported several dozen meters away and looked around the landscape. I was the only one standing in a quagmire of mud and shattered trees. Nothing else was around me in any direction.

I concentrated again and with Flo’s help, quickly located the other dreamwalker. With a thought, I stood behind her and stabbed her through the back of the skull, making the dream pop. Just like that, I found myself staring at the only dream left in the anteroom. It was a grey, lifeless blob now that all the tendrils had been cut.

Before I could force my way in, the anteroom itself popped and I flinched as something woke me up. My hands immediately found my sword and I pushed myself away and pointed the sword at… Celestia, it turned out. She looked at me with some concern until I relaxed and put the sword down.

“We are all awake but the demon,” she said, looking over at the purple beast.

“I was just about to wake her, too,” I said. “Or at least kill her in her dream.”

“That would be unwise,” a new voice said. Celestia and I looked over at the grizzled stallion. Shaved ponies are few and far between, and this was one of them. He had no fur or hair, and was instead covered by some kind of poorly fitted robes. The few parts I could see of him were covered in strangely flowing tattoos. They were continued as carvings on his hooves. One of his eyes was just a glowing ball of fire, presumably replaced some time ago. All of his teeth looked like either silver or iron, so he likely lost those as well. His horn looked awfully similar to Sombra’s, so I couldn’t help but wonder if he did dark magic to bond a dragon’s tooth to his head.

Celestia looked back at me. “Navarone, this is the inquisitor, my expert on demons.”

“Coolio. So can you do magic on this thing to find its sign as well?”

“No need. The sign is directly under it. Please take care of it.” She turned to the crowd of scared ponies that were torn between staring at the demon in horror and staring at Celestia in wonder.

As she started talking to them, the inquisitor and I walked over to the demon. “As I said, it would be unwise to wake this demon,” he reiterated.

“Alright then, I won’t.” He stared at me for another few seconds, presumably waiting for more. He didn’t seem to want to be useful, so I started carefully erasing the parts of the summoning sign I could barely see under the demon’s legs. “So what’s your actual name?” I finally asked, making some attempt at being friendly.

“Because if you wake—Wait, what?”

“I asked what your name was.” All the parts of its sign that I could see were gone and its body was starting to lose its coherence. It still hadn’t moved, so I carefully pushed one of its legs aside and started removing more of the sign.

“You... aren’t interested in demonology?”

“Nah. These things are evil. My people had a philosopher that had a very relevant saying: He who fights monsters should look to it that he himself should not become a monster. Knowing more about these demons would only tempt me to fight and act like them. I’d very much prefer not following down their dark path.”

He was silent for several long seconds. “And what does that say about me, human?”

“I dunno. Celestia trusts you, so you probably aren’t the wrong brand of evil. But I don’t trust myself with that kind of knowledge, because I’d probably end up using it in all the wrong ways.” Everything under its legs was gone, so I began carefully pushing the demon across the floor. It started shaking slightly, but didn’t wake up.

“I have heard another statement. To defeat one’s enemy, you must first know them.”

“Then I’ll trust the knowing part to people that won’t misuse their knowledge.” Enough of the demon was out of the way that I could see all of the remaining parts of the sign. I have no idea what it originally looked like since all the rest was gone, but it looked kind of like a closed eye. I quickly made it look kind of like nothing, and the demon fully disappeared.

Smiles are creepy when they’re coming from a shiny metal mouth. “You are a very interesting character, Lady Navarone.”

Before I could tell him not to call me that, Celestia turned back to us. “I’ll be sending these ponies on their way soon. Inquisitor, do you believe it is safe?”

“Likely, your highness. I believe the remaining demons are on the floors above us. I ran into several of them while scouting.”

“Excellent.” She turned back to her little horses and said, “We will escort you to the stairs. From there, you will have to travel on your own.” They all started looking at each other. “The path to the exit is clear. Head straight for it and take absolutely no detours. Once outside, go directly to the guards.”

One of the older unicorns in the group took a step forward and his horn lit up. “Will you need assistance cleaning up the rest of them, Princess?” he asked. “We may not look like much, but we are all fully capable of some of the strongest magics in the realm.”

Celestia smiled but shook her head. “No, but thank you, dearest subject. These demons from Tartarus are too much for any but the strongest of unicorns to handle directly with magic, and you have all been drained for too long by the demon of dreams. You may feel fine, but you would quickly become a liability in any battle.”

He sighed and nodded. “As you command.”

Celestia looked over to me and nodded at the door. I pulled my sword back out and started walking. The inquisitor guy followed closely behind me, then the unicorns followed him. Celestia brought up the rear, her horn once again glowing.

The hallway felt a lot more alive with the sound of several hooves clattering behind me, but it made me jumpier than it should have. After so many minutes of relative silence, hearing that much noise was discomforting. But we made it to the stairwell with no issues and the unicorns went on their way, mostly relieved at escaping.

As soon as we could no longer hear their hoof falls, Celestia turned to her agent. “So which demons are we up against?”

“I saw Blisdon, Aislin, Apadiel, and Ariel. I believe Aislin was the initial demon summoned, and immediately pulled in Ariel, who proceeded to summon more. Once he got enough bait, he began writing a full summoning circle.” Celestia gasped. “As far as I could tell, he had just started when I found him at the very top of the tower. Even for someone of his power, they can take up to three days to complete.”

“And I sent you in two and a half days ago,” she said. “We need to move. Quickly. He is at the top?”

“Yes. But I believe he knows we’re coming. He certainly saw me, which is how I was captured. He may have prepared… surprises.”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Nav, take point. Hopefully your ring and your armor will keep you safe. But please, hurry.”

“Thank god for tree stamina,” I muttered as I started taking the stairs further up. If the dude was at the very top, I figured it would take us several minutes to get up there. “So who is Ariel?”

The inquisitor fielded that one. “He is the demon historian. He has knowledge of all signs and is one of few that has alliances between all of the factions in Tartarus. That is why he is willing to make a summoning circle.”

“Which is…?”

Celestia said, “A way of summoning up to six demons in fifteen minute intervals. It is faster overall to summon them individually, but removing a summoning circle takes six hundred and sixty-six minutes… without the aid of an artifact such as yours. But if he chooses to summon six demons of war, getting close enough to erase it might not be possible.”

“Jesus. Why the hell aren’t these things used more often? They sound super powerful, if you can curb their evil.”

“Because curbing them is difficult,” the inquisitor said. “I have summoned demons in the past. They will always try to find a way to stab you in the back.”

“And it takes great power to summon them and then keep them in check,” Celestia said. “For every day they stay summoned, the seals around their soul grow weaker. It’s possible for them to break free of your control immediately, but that’s unlikely. After six days, most can break free easily. And unsummoning them is usually quite difficult, especially if you’re distracted.”

Gotta love stupidly overpowered rings, huh? “Decent enough reasons for me,” I said with a shrug. I probably would have kept talking to pass the time, but the inquisitor was huffing and puffing and it seemed rude to try to talk to him at the moment.

The tower was fucking huge. I didn’t keep a count of the number of flights we took, but shit was pretty annoying. And worse, I needed to use my key every couple of floors to turn off some magical defense. Finally, we crested the last bit and stood before the last door. The inquisitor almost fell on the floor in relief, but thankfully held himself together.

“So this last guy is in here?” I asked. The old guy shook his head, but couldn’t really talk well at the moment. “I thought you said he was on the top floor.”

“He is,” Celestia said. “This is only the top floor accessible by this staircase. And the last floor reachable by the teleporter. There is another layer above this one, hidden in a sort of pocket dimension.”

“...Why would they put that here?” I asked, rather pointedly looking at the directory that shamelessly listed things like ‘The Magic of Hoof Reading’.

“Because nopony would expect it,” she said. “This is where the least… respectable schools of magic are. Why would anypony expect anything important to be hidden up here?”

“Makes sense.” I pushed the key into the lock hole and the door pushed on open. Celestia had been about to say something, but as soon as the door opened, her mouth just dropped. Before I could ask what was wrong, she galloped into the hall and started running faster than either of us could. “What the fuck?”

The inquisitor leapt into action, either getting over his aching legs or putting it into the back of his mind. “After her!” He bolted down the hall, trying to keep up. Since it was apparently the popular thing, I joined in. At that point, I had no idea where Celestia went. But after nearly half a minute of sprinting full tilt down the hall, the inquisitor turned to a side room, skidding to a halt in front of the door. Since he was old and tired, I was able to keep up easily enough and stopped right next to him.

We beheld the scene before us silently for what felt like a lot longer than it probably was.

Celestia had joined the throng of mares (and one female gryphon) surrounding a large pink demon that happened to be extraordinarily well-endowed. This guy was what most boring people would expect when one says ‘demon’: He was pink and had horns. A shitty mustache and a goatee both sat shamelessly on his face. His smile was full of pointed teeth. His eyes were reptilian and glowing slightly red. Two legs, two arms, a pointy tail. The only additional part that most wouldn’t expect was probably the large dick.

All the mares were clamoring around that one certain addition. Celestia, being the biggest, easily pushed her way to the forefront of that little battle.

“Alright, what the fuck,” I finally found myself saying. It wasn’t a question, or at least it wasn’t meant to be.

The demon finally noticed us. When he heard my voice, he smiled even deeper and pushed Celestia away, making her pout adorably. He started walking over, making the inquisitor back away and try pulling me with him. I shook him off and put my hand on my sword.

“There’s no need for that,” the demon said, his voice sounding silky smooth in my ears. It almost made me pull my hand away from the sword, but not quite.

“If you keep walking toward me, I’m pretty sure there definitely is,” I replied, baring an inch of steel.

By the time I could say that, it was a little bit too late. He was standing a few feet away, letting me realize he was almost half a meter taller than I was. “You’re way too beautiful to be holding weapons, babe,” he cooed, inching slightly closer. “Why don’t you put those down and let me protect you?”

“Wow, that’s a good point. Let me think for a bit...” He inched forward again, prompting me to fully pull the sword out. “Oh wait, my mistake. That’s absolute bullshit.” His smile dipped just a little bit more. “Let’s go ahead and put this one to rest. Who are you?”

That made him look insulted. “A lady of beauty, but not one of learning, I see.” For some reason, that made me even more angry. “I am Anael the beautiful! Some call me the demon of lust, but I see no need for such a title. I don’t need to be a demon for my beauty to entice others!”

Okay, so this guy’s a cunt. “Uh huh. Well, unless you want a few extra holes in you, back the fuck up off me.”

“There’s no need to play hard to get, sexy. Why don’t you stop waving that thing around before you hurt yourself?” I went ahead and cut his head off, even though I knew it wouldn’t do anything. Sure enough, his body flickered and he almost immediately reappeared whole. “See there, hun? I can protect you just fine. You should join me, you know? I can make you feel better than anything else…”

Jesus, he’s a total Chad. “How about you go fuck yourself? I think I like that option better.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’re killin’ me here, girlie. I can’t just stand here and only look at you! You’re so pretty I just want to see you moaning.”

“As fun as that would be, I’m gonna have to pass. How about you just tell me where your summon sign is so I can let you get back to date raping succubi or something?”

“I love it when they put up a fight! How about this: You let me make you mine and if you still want me to leave, I’ll show you where the sign is.”

“No.”

His enthusiasm dipped just a little. “How about I show you where the sign is, and in return you let me stick it in before you send me back?”

“No.”

“Not even a blowie?”

“No.”

“You’re killing me here, babe!”

“That’s the plan.”

“...A kiss. And that’s my final offer.”

As tempting as it was to tell him to go fuck himself, I didn’t want him to sic his gaggle of mares on me. I also really didn’t want to risk him trying to rape me or something retarded like that. There wasn’t much of a chance that he’d succeed, but still. So instead, I made a show of thinking it over, then sighed and nodded. “Fine. One kiss. My lips on your lips.”

“With tongue.”

“No.” He pouted. “Maybe. But probably no.” He looked very conflicted for a second before smiling again and holding out his hand.

I looked at it dubiously for a few seconds before putting up my sword and shaking it. He smiled and pulled me toward him, making me almost freak out. But he just pulled me over to put his arm around me, so I settled for just shivering.

All the mares surrounded us and most were glaring at me, but none said anything. “Right this way, beautiful,” he said, starting to walk. We went into the hall, making the inquisitor back away even farther. The demon didn’t even look at him and just picked a direction to start walking. “You know, it’s weird. Most babes like you don’t even talk to me before they’re all over me. They’re fun, but the ones like you are just perfect! I love playing the game, and breaking girls like you is always the best.”

“I hope you know how much of a rapist you sound like right now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. And once you kiss me, you won’t care anymore. It’ll be the best kiss ever and you’ll never want to kiss anyone else ever again. It’ll be perfect, like a match made in Tartarus!”

Because that doesn’t sound like the worst thing ever. “I doubt it. I don’t really like kissing.”

“Impossible. All girls love kissing.”

I mentally slapped myself before I could tell him I wasn’t like other girls. That automatically means you’re worse than the other girls, just for saying it. I wasn’t an actual girl and even I knew that. So instead I settled for saying, “Not always those that prefer the gentler sex.”

“Gentle, hard, I’ll do it however you like. Though I just know you’ll love it both ways.”

Telling him I’m a lesbian probably would damper his willingness to actually show me to his sign, so I decided to keep that one to myself.

It didn’t take him too long to get to, anyway. He pushed over the door of the gender studies room and pointed at the center of it, where a giant fedora was drawn into the floor. After looking at it for a second, I saw a lot of squiggles that looked like an H had some kind of weird mutant child with a 4 and then that child converted to Islam. Shit was weird, but that was almost definitely his sign.

“I don’t know how you’re planning on erasing it without any magic,” he said with a shrug. “But I’ll love watching you bend over to try. Now how about that kiss, hm?”

I really didn’t want to touch any part of that piece of shit, but demons have weird rules and his sign was glowing brighter than the others, so I figured there was a chance that shaking on a deal meant he couldn’t be unsummoned without the tenets of that deal being fulfilled. So I rolled my eyes and put my arms around him.

Instead of leaning down like a normal person, this guy grabbed my ass and pulled my entire body up to him to kiss me. It felt absolutely awful and his wet man meat pressed against my stomach. And he immediately started using tongue, forcing his nasty forked tongue as far into my mouth as he could get. Since it felt like he hadn’t washed his teeth in centuries, it was just outright disgusting.

I’m a nice person, so I managed to endure a full fifteen seconds of that before pushing away from the bastard. He pulled back with a smile and held me in place, probably expecting a beaming grin on my face or something.

All he got was intense disgust.

It beat into him and the smile slowly disappeared. After about ten seconds, he put me down. “So uh… how was it?” he almost timidly asked as I backed off several steps.

“Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Your hands are callused and bony, your dick is wet and just in the way, you should never invade a lady’s mouth without permission, your breath is disgusting, and your tongue tastes like refried shit. Two out of ten, would not kiss again. Please do the world a favor and consider suicide.”

“I… I don’t…”

I held up a hand. “Don’t talk back to me after what you’ve done. Go stand in that corner and think about what you did!” I pointed at a random corner. He took a very long time to process that and I kind of wondered if telling jokes to a demon was a bad idea. But I was absolutely floored when he put his head down and marched to the corner in shame. What the fuck? All the mares immediately crowded around him, some trying to comfort him and some badmouthing me.

I shook my head and started to erase the mark, but the inquisitor suddenly appeared and grabbed my hand. “While they’re touching him, he can’t be so easily removed. Give me ten minutes and I will unsummon him properly.”

“‘Kay.” He started doing his thing, so I quietly pulled out my sword and watched the demon. For five minutes, he honestly seemed to be distraught. At that point, the female gryphon offered up her cute little butt and he seemed to regain some of his luster. When he started going at it and filling her up so much that I could see her stomach bulging, he seemed much happier.

Four minutes later, he disappeared while still in the gryphoness. She fell to the floor, gaping wide. The other mares looked around the room. Most fixated on one of four things. Either me with a sword out, the gryphon with a gaping hole, the creepy inquisitor that honestly looked halfway like a demon himself, or Celestia. One of those caused blushes, two caused screams, and one caused gaping mouths.

Once they all finished blushing at my sexy body, Celestia took charge. “My fellow mares, I’m afraid we’ve all been under a curse. We’ve all likely had… things done to us.” They all looked at the female gryphon, who appeared very pained. “But we are strong. We will persevere, even if a demon took advantage of us. And right now, I need you to keep yourselves together. The way is clear to the exit and we do not have time to accompany you. You’ll have to gather the courage to escape together.”

It took them a few minutes to put up the will to do so, which was understandable after what they went through. I have no idea if they remembered any of it or not, and I didn’t know which would be worse. Celestia actually put a ward up around their group, which made them all feel much safer.

When they were gone, Celestia sighed and lowered her head.

“So yeah, that one was particularly evil,” I said, patting her on the back. “I’m convinced. These things are assholes.”

“That is little consolation,” she sighed as her ears flattened against her head. “That beast is disgusting.”

“Yeah, he seemed a little on the rapey side,” I said. “Dude made my skin crawl.” She sighed again. “How did he even affect you, anyway? I thought you had some kind of magical defense or something.”

“Pheromones,” the inquisitor said. “I am very surprised you were not affected, my lady.”

“Don’t call me that. And I’m a lesbian. I guess it doesn’t work on girls that munch carpet.”

“Or it just doesn’t work on humans,” Celestia said, finally regaining some of her composure. “We must press on. Ariel likely knows we are coming.”

“So what kind of skills does he have?” I asked when we went into the hall.

“Nothing too offensive,” the inquisitor said. “He is just a historian and a diplomat, though I believe he has some magic.”

“He can definitely bore you to death,” Celestia said. Her horn lit up and she started walking left. “With luck, we’ll just go up there and erase his sign.”

“Can we smack him around a little first?” I asked. “I really wanted that day off.”

“We’ll talk it over up there.” The three of us walked up to the large window at the end of the hall, Celestia in the lead. “Here we are.”

“Oh, so we get to go home?” I asked. “Though I thought you were above jumping out windows.” Neither of them laughed, so I just rolled my eyes. Celestia pressed her horn against the glass and it started tearing open. Soon, it all disappeared entirely and a hole in reality showed up. Since I had a really good feeling my ring would make me walk face first into glass, I went ahead and removed it.

Neither of them seemed to want to make the first move, so I pulled my sword back out and ran through. Thankfully, I didn’t smash my face on the glass. Or worse, smash through it. Although given where I ended up, both might have been preferable.

I stood in a strangely windy open void of nothingness. There was no ground, no sky, no walls. Whatever I stood on wasn’t even solid, though I could still walk. And I could still roll, which I had to do immediately since something was swinging a mace at me.

When I recovered, I barely had time to deflect a spear thrust, then block a mace, which threw me several feet back. That finally gave me enough time to actually study my attackers. One was either covered head to toe in metal or was actually made of metal. His four legs carried his weight very evenly. One of his four arms carried a mace, one carried an axe, and two carried shields. The one next to him was some malformed cat person. She looked several times more bestial than Kat and had a very long spear in both of her hands. While I was studying her, she thrust it forward, just barely holding onto the back edge to give herself more room.

I jumped up and lifted my sword. Thankfully, Celestia shot some kind of lightning into the metal guy, which pushed his aggro onto her. The spear flying toward me was blocked by a flying card, which completely stopped the movement of the spear. She turned to face the inquisitor, who happened to have dozens of cards like it floating around him, all held in place by his magic.

A quick look around the void showed me that there were only three demons present. Two were fighting and one was standing in front of a massive glowing circle of runes. He wasn’t paying any attention to us and seemed to be slowly drawing shapes in the air. Since that was the threat I could actually do something about, I hopped back to my feet.

“Celestia, sword!” I tossed it into the air and then ran, without even looking to see if she got it. The big bad dude was several meters away, probably so he could buy himself an extra few seconds if anyone broke through.

Those extra seconds didn’t do him any good. I tackled the motherfucker onto the summoning circle. While I was on top of him, I was able to study him a lot better. This guy was yellow and covered in a robe. Each hand had ten fingers and it felt like he had two legs under the robe, though both bent the wrong way. His beard and eyebrows were flowing down the floor. He had three mouths, each of which had different kinds of teeth, one sharp, one dull, and one with strange whale-like things. Both eyes were stark white.

“It’s time for you guys to go home,” I said, followed by punching him in the face.

He didn’t try to block it at all. “I disagree,” he slowly said in what was probably the most boring, nasally voice I’ve ever heard. I don’t know how he managed to make a nasally voice without a nose, but he did. “Nestorats threatens us all. We deserve to be free from her curse.”

“And I think that your problems aren’t ours.” I stood up, dragging him with me, and then tossed the frail bastard aside. “So let’s make this little thing go bye bye.” Whatever the ‘ground’ under us was made from, it didn’t stop me from erasing the marks with my foot. The whole thing was an outer circle, followed by a string of random squiggles, followed by an inner circle, then four more squiggles. On both sides were two more marks. One was a fucked up looking pound sign and one looked like two cursive Ks fucking two cursive Ls.

Shit was weird and I soon stopped paying attention to what I was erasing. When half of it was gone, the light on the remaining runes started flickering, but the sounds of fighting continued behind me. I redoubled my efforts and quickly erased the rest of it. The sounds of battle disappeared and the other two joined me, breathing deeply.

“So that was a summoning circle, huh?” I asked, taking the floating sword from Celestia’s magic grip.

“It was,” the inquisitor confirmed. “He managed to summon Marchosias, the demon of battle, and Miczariel, the warrioress. Interesting choices, but they’re both excellent fighters.”

“Well, they went down like bitches,” I said, choosing to ignore the part where I almost got killed. “So where’s your sign?” I turned over to where I threw Ariel and he wasn’t there. “Oh. Where’d he go?”

“What do you mean?” Celestia asked. “You were supposed to watch him!”

“Hey, did you want that summoning circle gone or not? You had my sword and I wanted to get rid of those two fighter bastards. You’re the big stupidly powerful princess. Why didn’t you watch him?”

“Because I was cleaning up your—This is pointless! Inquisitor, did you see him?”

“No, your highness. But we should find him quickly, before he manages to hide and summon more assistance.”

“Well, he can’t exactly hide in this freaky void place,” I said, putting my sword away. “If we can’t see him, that means he’s back in the damn tower.”

Celestia started galloping that way, so we hurried to follow. She had to stop when she got to the entrance to the void, so we were able to catch up. When all three of us were ready, she lowered her horn and reopened it. I was the first one through again, due to having armor. The demon guy was at the very end of the long hall, writing something on the ground.

Before I could rush him, something started rising out of the ground midway between us. I skidded to a halt and pulled out my sword when what I realized was a demon started burning. Soon, it stood fully between us, staring at my little group with hate in her fiery eyes.

“You refused to listen,” Ariel said. “So I will show you what you have forced upon us. Nestorats, I bind thee!” Some kind of yellow haze covered the fire elemental. “Kill the biped!”

Oh balls. She held up a hand and a burning glaive appeared in it. With a very practiced ease, she fell into a fighting stance.

I fucking booked it. Celestia and the inquisitor had finally gotten out of the portal and were starting to notice that shit was fucked. Before Celestia could try to help me, some kind of lightning shot over my shoulder at her. She just barely got a shield up in time to deflect it. I quickly got to them.

“Nav, what are you doing?!” Celestia yelled, turning away from the historian to stare at me in horror.

“Running! Kill that bastard!” We both chanced a look down the hall, where the fire demon was very rapidly running after me. My eyes opened wide and I continued running past them, to the window. When I got there, I stopped and pulled my sword out.

“End of the line, I suppose,” I said to myself, turning to face the elemental. “I don’t reckon you’d want to talk?”

She didn’t even grace it with an answer. Her glaive shot directly toward me. I barely managed to deflect it, knocking sparks into the air. The fire around her weapon seemed to dim very greatly when my sword hit it, which gave me a small amount of hope. Hopefully, she would get a lot weaker if I actually managed to hit her.

Unfortunately, her arms were long and her glaive was longer, so she really had the advantage unless I wanted to try to get close to her burning body. She didn’t waste time pulling her weapon back, she just swung it at me, making me jump back and immediately press against the window. Since I had literally nowhere else to run, I went on the attack, moving forward and swinging my blade at her.

She almost contemptuously knocked it aside and tried another thrust. I barely dodged and swung down at her hands. She blocked with the butt of her glaive, then pushed back, pressing me back against the glass. Before I could recover, she spun it at me again in an overhead attack. I used both hands to block it, though it hit the glass behind me and put a large hole in it.

There was no way I’d have enough strength to push her back, so I forced her blade aside and then swung under it, toward her body. She jumped back, giving me a little breathing room. I pressed the advantage and tried stabbing up. Once again, she deflected it, then tried going after my legs with her blade. I managed to jump back one more time, letting her fall back into a fighting stance for a moment.

I finally had a chance to really study her, not that it did me much good. Both her arms and her legs ended in talons. Her arms had an extra joint each, and it looked like her legs had two. Both of her eyes glowed a bright yellow. Instead of teeth, her mouth just had fire gouting out like it was coming from a torch. The parts of her that weren’t burning orange were blackened from fire. The top of her head was just more fire, though I could barely see two horns poking out of the flames.

All in all, the bitch was pretty intimidating.

When I was done molesting her with my eyes, she moved forward again, pressing the attack. This time, she tried swinging her glaive from my left. I barely got my sword up in time to block it, and more of the glass behind me shattered. She pulled it back and tried from the right, which I also blocked and which shattered even more glass.

Finally, she did what I wanted her to: Thrusted dead on. I barely dodged it in time and the rest of the window shattered. I grabbed the glaive before she could pull it back and thrust myself out the window. Before she could even think to let go, we were both in the open air.

But before I could drop her, she yanked on the glaive, pulling me down, then grabbed one of my legs. There was no way I could carry both of us. She may have been made mostly of flames, but she was still fucking heavy. Also, she was made mostly of flames and that shit was fucking hot.

Once she got a hold of me, she dropped her weapon and tried pulling me closer. I punched her over and over with my free hand while the hand with the sword tried getting it at an angle to stab her. There was no way I’d survive the landing attached to her, if I even made it to the bottom to begin with.

The tower isn’t exactly a small place, so I had just long enough to finally push her away enough to stab her, even while she was scratching and burning me. When my blade pierced her burned hide, she screeched, which pushed even more flames onto me, though their intensity very quickly lowered and her grip around me loosened to the point where I could kick her off, pulling out my sword in the process.

She continued to the ground and I just barely got my wings up in time to avoid being pancaked. Instead, I landed a few meters away and nearly collapsed from the pain of the scratches and burns all over my face.

Unfortunately, I had almost no time to really recover. Her body spasmed a few times and then glitched to become whole. The flames instantly renewed and she jumped back to her feet. Her glaive flew from where it had landed dozens of meters away and fell into her hands. She readied it and charged me.

Being out of the hallway was both good and bad. Good because I had more room to back away and all I really needed to do was survive long enough for Celestia to remove this thing’s sign. Bad because it gave her more room to swing her long weapon, which was her main advantage.

The first strike was another overhead one that I jumped away from. It hit the dirt and then turned sideways to throw some dirt at me. I blocked the dirt with a wing and then jumped back again before she could try stabbing me. As tempting as it was to run, I had a feeling she was a lot faster and could easily chase me down. But I figured if I could get enough distance between us, I could at least take off and see what she’d try doing if I flew away.

Since her dirt did nothing, she darted forward and tried a fast stab. I thrust myself to the side and swung low, trying to catch one of her arms. She jerked her body up, barely evading the blow, and used the butt of her blade to push me back out of my range. That told me that she knew exactly what my sword was capable of and didn’t want to be hit by it.

So I backed up a few steps and then feinted forward. She tried blocking the sword, but didn’t catch the throwing knife that embedded itself in her side. I didn’t wait to see how she would take it, and lifted my wings to take off.

As it turned out, waiting to see how she would take it would have been a very good idea, because she took it pretty fucking well. As soon as I lifted my wings, she threw her glaive over my left shoulder and sliced one of my wings in half. It started hurting before the severed half could even hit the ground. By the time it did, my entire body started pulsing and I felt nothing at all. Some kind of blue filter came over my eyes and I heard a faint whispering.

She was weaponless and I had a very pressing and immediate need to put her down before I started bleeding out. So I jumped in and started cutting. The first attack missed. She tried grabbing my arm on the second swing, but I slashed that arm with a naga dagger that I didn’t even remember pulling. Her hand jerked back and I cut off one of her arms with the sword. She screamed in pain as the fires around her body started dying down.

I started to slam my blade into her main body, but some kind of force stopped me. After a few seconds, realization came to me and I knew that if I killed her, she would regenerate. But before I put my blade down, she came to the same realization and thrust her body onto it, killing herself.

Reality around her body glitched again and she reappeared a meter away, once again fully healed. Her glaive appeared in her hands and she finally smiled as she turned to me. My body wearily fell into a stance, though I knew there was no way I’d survive for long against her at that point.

And she was done playing around, too. She actually jumped forward, swinging her blade in a massive arc. I barely blocked it, but doing so in my weakened state threw me to the ground. She started laughing and lifted her blade for one more swing, one that I knew I couldn’t block even if I could get my sword up.

When her blade came down, it met a glowing pink shield. Shining Armor skidded to a halt in front of me and yelled, “Pull him back!” Two sets of hooves grabbed me and started dragging me away as the demon pounded the shield. “All unicorns, use ice magic!” Several dozen spikes of ice started slinging into that bitch. She blocked the first few, but there were far too many for her to stop them all.

I knew they’d kill her very quickly at that rate, so I did my best to find my voice. “Shiny, stop!”

He didn’t question it for a second. “Cease fire!” All the magic immediately stopped. “Squads one and two, shield!” A shield went up over the wounded demon, one that probably wouldn’t last long. “Three, get Nav back to medical!” The guards that were dragging carefully picked me up and draped me over a back. One of them grabbed my severed wing and carried it almost reverently. “Four and five, if it moves, ice it.” The group carrying me started cantering over to a tent set up away from the main shield, outside the perimeter.

Flo may have been a lot more powerful outside of her cage and in her element, but I knew she’d only be able to stop the pain for so long. So with that in mind, I let her pull me into a very uneasy slumber.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Five—Fetch Quests are the Worst

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Five—Fetch Quests are the Worst

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been over the ocean. Once, it was a thing of wonder to me, an experience that I could always enjoy and think back on fondly. Over time, it grew stale. I lost the thrill of feeling the ocean wind and misty sprays of water from the waves.

But flying over it on my own wings was something else entirely. If I fell, I risked drowning. I had to constantly keep alert and keep beating my wings. That said, it also gave me more control and let me actually fly right above the water and smell the salt up close. It was an amazing experience, one only slightly marred by the horrified dragon riding my back, constantly asking what I was doing and if I was trying to get myself killed.

Spike had his own wings, though, so I ignored him and had fun. If he got tired of it, I figured he could go ride Reginald instead. Of course, Reginald didn’t seem that enthusiastic about anything at the moment. The closer we got to Iceland, the more dour and silent he became. He did explain the basics of the dragon code, which were pretty much your standard common sense rules mixed with a bit of naga honor, but after he finished explaining it, he reverted to monosyllabic answers and grunts.

That was fine by me, at least. It gave me a chance to finally enjoy wings that weren’t stunted, in the wrong place, or demonically cursed.

It’s a long way to Iceland from the Everfree. By himself, Reginald might have been able to make it in a single flight. His wingspan is a lot larger than mine and he’s much more comfortable in his own body. My presence meant we had to land in an uninhabited part of Greenland when night fell. My wings ached and I was starting to get tired, so making camp was an easy choice.

It helped that Reginald was growing more nervous the closer we got to Iceland itself. I honestly had a feeling that he wasn’t quite ready for what was coming.

Thankfully, making camp gave Blaze the chance to ask me a question I kinda wish he had asked before I left. “So how are we going to contact the water elementals when we determine where my brother is?” he asked when I got settled down onto the icy ground, Spike cuddled up against my belly.

Well… There are ways. Randomly stumbling upon them won’t be likely, but I can contact Twilight.

“How can we do so without revealing that you are my host? I could speak to her, who can speak to her water, but they would learn the truth.”

I guess you really haven’t been exploring my memories. Thank you. He snorted again. I wasn’t even being sarcastic. Can you put me to sleep and bring me to your realm?

“I have not made a realm in your mind yet. That is something done with your entire mind, not with the small part you have forced me into.”

Oh. Then I guess it’s a good thing Flo did make me learn how to do this myself.

“Do what?”

I forced myself into the dream anteroom, putting my body in a sleep-like state. Blaze immediately appeared next to me and looked around the place with something approaching wonder. “This is the world of dreams,” I said. “Every single dot you see is a dream. Humans created this world somehow and I have remote access to the dream machine that controls it.”

“...Hm. I remember… hearing something about a similar machine. Before the war, that is. I don’t remember what exactly it was. I’m surprised that such a thing is still active.”

“It wasn’t, for a while. The ponies discovered it and managed to activate it, but only for ponies. Flo and I reconfigured it a few months back to work on every other race as well. Check this out. Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender.” Three red humans appeared next to me, which made Blaze flinch. “These are AI that humans programmed into the machine. Kinda like a much more dumbed down version of you guys. They can follow certain orders and answer certain questions, but they aren’t actually intelligent.”

“Very, very interesting,” he quietly said. “How old is this machine?”

One of the defenders made a dinging noise and then replied, “[Data corrupted]”

“Yeah, I’ve been down that road before,” I said. “It’s old enough that it shouldn’t be working anymore. These things are on their last legs. Most of the information they were programmed with has been lost over time. They can answer a few questions, but nothing useful. This is the main use I’ve gotten oughtta them so far: List active users.”

One of them said, “Navarone, admin. Unknown manual override user: Admin.”

“Huh. I guess Luna’s up and about. Let’s see…” I thought about Twilight. My head didn’t turn. “Twilight’s not asleep yet, looks like.” I thought about Celestia. My head still didn’t turn. “Neither is Celestia. That’s strange, but we have all night.”

“So what use is this realm?” Blaze asked.

“Most of the races we created can’t dream on their own,” I replied. “There are a few exceptions here and there and everyone very rarely has some dreams without this machine. But with it, everyone can dream every night. Or at least, everyone that’s close enough to the machine. As far as I can tell, that’s the purpose of it. I don’t really know what the benefit of dreaming is versus not dreaming, though.”

“Hm. I assume if you can see all of these dreams, you can see into them?”

“I can see into them and I can enter them. I can also lock a dream down to keep someone asleep for as long as I want. The shit I can do is really fun and really amazing. I use it for stress relief. I’m actually really happy Luna taught me how.”

“I would like to enter one.”

Before I could agree, I heard a throat clear behind me. Oh boy, here we go. We both turned and saw Luna floating there. “Hello, Navarone,” she calmly said. She looked… different. Before, her hair was always floating around like Celestia’s and looked like the night’s sky. Now it was a pretty shade of blue. Her eyes also lacked some of their old intensity. She was slightly shorter, but not by much. She was also wearing nothing.

“Good evening, Luna,” I slowly replied.

“Who is this with you?” she asked, looking at Blaze. “He looks like a demon, but demons are incapable of dreaming.”

“I am Blaze, a fire elemental,” he said. “I have heard of you. Would you like me to pluck her eyes from her skull, Navarone?”

“Not right now,” I said. “Maybe later, though.”

Luna didn’t really look impressed. “I would like to talk to you, Navarone. Will you allow me that?”

I have to wait for Celestia and Twilight and I want answers anyway. Fuck it, let’s see where this road goes. “Yes, on two conditions. I want to know why you abdicated and I want to know where you are.”

“Agreed. I am on Mount Oberon, the fortress guarding the entrances and exits of Tartarus.”

“Oh shit.” I guess that explains some things.

“That is why I would like to speak to you. My… Princess Celestia has informed me that there is something in Tartarus you require.”

“There is. I’m not looking forward to the trip, either.” Especially if it means I have to deal with you.

“Then allow me to make it for you. Tell me what you need and I will obtain it. Despite what you may think of me, you know I have skills that would enable me to survive where you might not. Let this be the beginning of my eternal punishment.”

Alright, now we’re getting kinda dark. “...Luna, why did you abdicate?” I asked.

She looked down and fell silent. I knew she was going to tell me, but I guess finding the words or the courage wasn’t easy. After a few moments, her gaze met mine again, back to its old intensity. “I am evil, Navarone,” she finally said. “It is something I have come to accept. I am evil. Because I am evil, I cannot rule. I can’t be a princess of Equestria. I never deserved the title and I never will. All I am good for is hurting others. So I chose to exile myself to a place where all those I can hurt deserve it.”

“I don’t think that’s the entire story, Luna. You didn’t just wake up one day and realize you’re evil. This is something that’s been building in you for ages. What was the tipping point? What made you finally give up?”

“...I don’t suppose it matters anymore.” Her eyes turned cold and narrowed slightly. “Midnight Blossom was a very loyal soldier, Navarone. She was very loyal, very resourceful, very experienced, and unfortunately, very jaded and strongly considering retiring. So I sent her up against an eternal that wanted to be left alone, knowing that he would turn her if he had the chance.” Oh my god. “He did.” My hands balled into fists. “She became utterly reliant upon both me and the night for protection. I planned to turn her into my eternally loyal right hoof mare.”

“You. Utter. Bitch! How could you fucking do that?!”

“I have no excuse for you, Navarone. It was wrong and it was evil. The reason I told you that is because a conversation I had with her was my tipping point. Celestia allowed me to speak with Captain Midnight using a magic mirror. Celestia, of course, gave her a script that I immediately saw through. I asked my eternally loyal right hoof mare a few pointed questions and got a few direct answers. When I learned that you talked her into coming out as a vampony to Celestia, I realized she would never support me again. Then I asked a few more questions and was told by one of the most morally upstanding ponies I have ever met that my very presence is disgusting and a blight upon all of Equestria and that if she could go back in time, she would spit in my eye before asking for my help in hiding as a vampony.” Hell yeah. You fucking go, Blossom. “That is when I realized that my reputation was eternally ruined. That is when I realized that my place in Equestria was gone. That is when I realized… many things. I was given one chance to make up for my past and I blew it. All I can do is cause pain and suffering wherever I go. At least now, the pain and suffering I cause can be deserved.”

“You ponies are so dramatic,” Blaze said, waving a hand. “So what if you’re evil? The world is always in balance. As long as your sister is there to counter you, why does it matter?”

“That is how it was for a very long time,” Luna replied. “My sister held my leash and directed me at our enemies. It was a glorious and simple existence, one at which I excelled. But eventually… I snapped back at her. The mad dog she spent so long training used all of its tricks to attack its owner… And its owner won. When I returned to Equestria after a thousand years of exile, Celestia was too wary to try wielding me again. I looked to her for guidance, for orders, for ways I could use my talents to help her yet again. She gave me… nothing. Nothing but answers to questions I did not ask. Nothing but love I could not reciprocate. She was no longer my compass and because of that, I fell astray.”

Is that sad, disturbing, or a lie? “When Celestia told me you abdicated, she cried,” I said. “She wanted you to find your own way in life. She wanted you to make a place at her side. She didn’t think she had the right to order you around anymore, not when she led you down such a dark and lonely path. Celestia wants you to be… Luna. She doesn’t want you to be Equestria’s sword, her junkyard dog. She wants you to discover who you really are, Luna. She’s horrified that you abdicated. Absolutely horrified and she doesn’t know what to do.”

“I suppose I showed her who I truly am. It is my misfortune that who I am is something of which to be ashamed.”

“...I don’t believe that,” I slowly said. Her ears twitched and Blaze flinched. “Right now, you are what Celestia made you. But I don’t think you want to be. I know there’s good in you, Luna. You hurt me a lot. Sometimes, it felt like you enjoyed doing it. But I don’t think that’s who you really are.”

“Even if there is something in me that is not wretched and depraved, I still believe that my place is no longer in Equestria. I have done too much damage to too many souls, yourself included. My exile to Tartarus is punishment. Surely you can agree that is fair, at the very least.”

“I can’t and don’t agree, actually,” I slowly replied.

“...That is your prerogative,” she uncertainly replied. “But this conversation has dipped way off course. I have told you where I am and why I abdicated. Will you tell me what you need from Tartarus so I can get it for you?”

I crossed my arms and thought. If she could bring me Nestorats, that would save me a lot of trouble. That said, I legitimately didn’t think she could do it by herself. Celestia was able to beat Blaze in a sparring contest, but Blaze was several million years out of practice. Nestorats had been constantly at war in all that time and her skill was likely increased because of it. The shoddy circle Ariel drew to summon her didn’t even give her a quarter of her full strength, according to what Celestia told me later. She also would presumably have an army of lesser demons at her beck and call.

There was no way Luna could do it alone. I didn’t really want her help at all, but I finally came to a decision. It was a painful decision and I felt that it might be a decision I’d regret later, but it was one I decided to stick to.

“When you asked for my forgiveness before, you gave up everything. I respect that you were willing to do that to yourself. What you did to me hurts, Luna. It hurts and it might always hurt. I don’t think you’re capable of doing what I need done in Tartarus. Not alone. I’m willing to accept your help if you’ll swear to me that you’ll give up your evil ways.” Her ears fell. “If we both survive and you can show me that you’ve changed, you’ll… you’ll earn my forgiveness.” Her eyebrows lifted. “And if you’re interested after that… I might offer to help you keep changing.”

“I… I don’t…”

“No one deserves to hate themselves, Luna,” I quietly said. “You have done many awful things. But you can make up for them. You can move past them. You can choose to become better. But it’s something you have to decide. And it’s not something that will be easy. Earning my forgiveness does not mean earning the forgiveness of the world. I want you to think about my offer. Don’t say anything now. Just think about it. Everyone should have true happiness. Some people just need help finding what does the trick. Staying in Tartarus and fighting demons for the rest of time might make you happy, but I don’t think so. I think there’s something in you that wants more. I’m willing to help you find it. But in the end, it’s up to you to decide. I can’t make you do something you don’t want and I won’t make you do something that doesn’t really make you happy.”

She was silent for far too long. Finally, she practically fell to the ground. “I don’t… deserve happiness, Nav.”

I walked over, knelt down, and put one of my hands on her head. “Happiness isn’t something anyone ever deserves, Luna. It’s something you find. It takes some people longer to find than others, and that’s okay. It’s worth it in the end. I’m… not who I once was. I’ve changed in ways I don’t even fully understand anymore. I’m not certain it was all even willingly. But right now, I know I don’t like looking at someone who thinks happiness is something they aren’t allowed to have. You hurt me. I hurt you. I can agree to move beyond that if you can. I can let the past stay in the past if you can agree to move forward and become a better person.”

Or at least, I say that I can. Actually doing so might be an entirely different story. Words are easy, but actions and thoughts…

Speaking of actions, she decided to make one. Instead of replying with any kind of words, she just melted into nothing. I looked around for a moment to be sure she was gone before looking up at one of the defenders. “List online users.”

“Navarone, admin.”

“...I guess she woke up.” I looked over to Blaze. “I imagine you have an opinion about what I just did.”

“...I do not have the full story of your history with Luna. I know that she greatly hurt you.”

“That’s the story in a nutshell, yeah.”

He flared for a moment before shaking his head slightly. “Vengeance is a very powerful thing, Navarone. It… soothes the mind. It cools the heart. It strengthens the body. Fire elementals usually advocate vengeance. I am no different.

“I already got my vengeance. That’s why she’s in Tartarus right now.”

“Hmph. Forgiveness is a very difficult thing. It’s also a very powerful thing, when used sparingly. I do not know if she is worth it and I do not know if you will be capable of it.”

“...I’m capable of trying.”

“I suppose you are. Trying is the first step toward succeeding.”

It’s also the first step toward failure. “Well, it’ll be an interesting experience. I was planning on taking some time before going to Tartarus anyway. It’ll give me time to reflect and talk with my crew about Luna. I don’t want to order them to work with her, but I will if I can’t talk them into it.”

“I have found that trying to order someone to do what they do not want to do tends to end poorly,” he uselessly replied.

“Yeah. Now, let’s see if anyone’s fallen asleep yet.” I kinda doubted it, though; it hadn’t been dark for too long before we landed, and we were probably at least two hours ahead of Equestria. Sure enough, after thinking about Twilight and Celestia, my head didn’t move. “Nope. Take my hand or enter my mind.” He disappeared and I looked at one of the defenders. “Take me to the nearest nightmare.” It stretched out a hand and grabbed my arm, then we appeared in front of a huge dream surrounded by other huge dreams. “You are dismissed.” The defender disappeared and Blaze reappeared.

“This bubble looks larger than the other dots I saw,” he said.

“It is larger than the other dots you saw. I’m very curious as to why.” I reached a hand in and carefully moved the fog aside to see. Turns out, the dreamer in question was a dragon. “Oh. I guess large dragons have large dreams. I wonder why.”

“Perhaps it is because they are large?” Blaze sarcastically replied.

“Fuck yourself with a rake.”

He snorted. “I am beginning to understand why your previous elemental abused you. Such a thing is abhorrent, but you are very disrespectful.”

“Yeah, well, you know. Want to enter a dream?”

“Yes.” Just like that, he disappeared again and I took another look into the dream to scout it out.

About fifteen or so dragon nightmares later (ten of which involved the dragons losing all of their wealth), I looked around for Celestia and Twilight again. Celestia was finally asleep, but Twilight was not.

I didn’t need to talk to Celestia too urgently, so I decided to write her a message in her dream’s golden fog. “I’d like to talk, if you don’t mind. - Nav.”

She responded less than a minute later with, “By all means.”

Before I entered, I said, “Celestia plays games in her dreams sometimes, Blaze. At the moment, she doesn’t think I have an elemental in me, so keep it cool.”

“Of course,” he replied in my head. “Though there is nothing about me that is cool.” Don’t I fucking know it. “And just what is that supposed to… Oh. Fuck you.”

“You’re learning quick, huh?”

He snarled in reply and I decided to enter Celestia’s dream. Somewhat unsurprisingly, I ended up in a sparring room. “Have you come to continue your training?” she sweetly asked.

“Nope. I’m here for two reasons. Well, technically three. Do you know when Twilight is going to fall asleep?”

“I’m afraid not. She’s usually very busy with experiments when she’s in Canterlot. Judging by what the maids told me about the smell emanating from her chambers earlier today, I imagine she’s… working on necromancy. Knowing her, she could be up for a while. Why? Is there something I can help you with?”

“Not unless you got a water elemental in you without telling me. We haven’t gotten to Iceland yet, but when we do, I’m going to need to meet with them at some point. We left without discussing how we’d do that, so I need to talk to Twilight about it.”

“Is she the only pony on your ship with a water elemental?” Celestia asked.

“...No, actually. But I don’t want to go near the dreams of Kat or Smiles.”

“That is understandable. Well, I understand why you don’t want to go into Kat’s dreams, but I do not know Smiles.”

“Lucky you. I guess I’ll just keep waiting for Twilight. Anyway, that was one of the reasons I needed to speak to you. Luna came to me in the dream anteroom and spoke to me.”

Celestia’s ears dropped. “And what did she tell you?”

“She told me where she was and why she abdicated.”

And that made her hang her head. “I see. What… precisely did she tell you?”

“That she was on Mount Oberon in Tartarus and she abdicated because she was evil and you refused to use her evil for good anymore. Apparently she wanted everything to go back to the way it was before, with you giving her orders. Instead, you left her to her own devices. Without you to guide her, she just did evil stuff because that’s all she knew. Apparently the final straw was Blossom telling Luna that she was a piece of shit. Luna finally told me she got Blossom turned into a vampire on purpose so she would be her eternal right hand soldier. Now that Blossom has completely lost her faith in Luna, Luna realized she created a problem that will never go away. So she decided to say fuck it and stay in Tartarus, where she can be evil all she wants since everyone there deserves to get their shit kicked in anyway.”

“That is… similar to what she told me,” Celestia very quietly said. “Though she did not mention that she had been relying on me to guide her.”

“Yeah, I fucking bet.”

Celestia’s eyes quickly turned angry and her ears and head jerked right back up. “Is this funny to you, Navarone?”

“No, actually.”

She snorted softly. “Then what do you think about it?” Blaze started chuckling in my head for some reason.

“I think it’s incredibly sad. What happened to Luna is a fucking tragedy. You used her and used her until you used her up, then when she had the nerve to fight back, you locked her ass up on the moon for a thousand fucking years. And now she’s back and you tried to pretend that five thousand years of psychological torture and a thousand years of loneliness didn’t happen. It’s not even a little bit funny and you should be nothing but ashamed. You did this to her and then you bundled her off to Tartarus when it all exploded in your face again. I think it’s well past time you had a fucking talk with her about all of this and tried to set things right. Be a fucking grownup and admit to her that you fucked up and either try to talk it out with her or sever yourself from her completely. Either way, stop acting like the victim here and start taking responsibility for what you did to your little sister.”

I said before that her eyes turned angry. What I just said turned her straight up apoplectic. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t immediately start screaming at me or demanding I get out of her dream. I’m also a little surprised she let me finish talking.

Since I was already on a roll and she was already pissed, I decided to keep going. As soon as I opened my mouth again, she started grinding her teeth. “The reason she came to speak to me to begin with is because she wanted to get whatever I needed in Tartarus for me so that I didn’t have to go. I told her that I would let her go with me on the condition that she drops her evil ways and that I would help her change after we got Nestorats if she wanted me to. What she did to me still hurts even now, but I think I’m finally able to move past it. I think I’m finally able to forgive her. But if you ever want your little sister back in your life, you need to sit down with her and have a talk. In person. I don’t think I can change her alone. Hell, I don’t even think she’ll attempt to change unless you ask her to. The ball’s in your court now, Celestia. If you want Luna back, or if you want her to ever be anything more than the rabid animal she is right now, it’s time to step up and fix your mistake.”

“I never asked for the responsibility of a little sister, Navarone. Or a nation. I handled them the best I could.”

“And you fucked up. What’s in the past is in the past. How are you going to move forward, Celestia? Are you going to help her get past your mistake or are you going to let her continue suffering? Are you going to let her rot in hell or are you going to welcome her back to the world? Are you going to let her continue fighting in Tartarus until she becomes a demon herself? Because I think we both realize that if she continues on this path, that’s exactly what will happen to her. She will happily become a demon and then the only time you’ll ever see your little baby sister again is when she’s being summoned to attack another fucking changeling hive. You’ll have your evil little sister back on your leash, at least. I bet she wouldn’t be so happy to serve you anymore, though.”

“ENOUGH!” Her horn started burning with power and her eyes picked up a very black hue. “You will be silent, Navarone. You have said far more than is enough!” I crossed my arms and stared at her. After a few seconds of silence, her horn lost its light, though she still looked more than a little angry. “I have made many mistakes in my life, Navarone. But every single thing I have done has been for the good of my kingdom. Somepony had to do what Luna did! Do you know how many times she has saved this nation? I could not count the number! She has been a savior to millions. There was a time when she was more beloved than I! More feared, yes, but more beloved at the same time. She was the sword of Equestria. Who else could I have relied on, Navarone? Who else could have done what she did?”

“...Do you really need me to answer that, Celestia? I don’t think you’ll like what I have to say.”

“I haven’t liked a lot of what you have had to say tonight, Navarone. When has that ever stopped you?”

Then I shrugged and said, “You.” She flinched back. “You wanted to be loved, Celestia. You didn’t want to get your hooves dirty. You decided you were going to be the good leader and make Luna do your dirty work for you. Everything she did, you could have done. Or you could have shared the burden. But you chose to make someone else carry that weight while you did your best to pretend your coat was clean. While she killed monstrosities, you played games in the capital. While she fought wars, you headed parades. While she assassinated, you gave speeches. Every little thing she did, she did for you. And you loved it. Luna made you the most powerful tyrant on Earth. Now she’s broken and you cast her aside. You get to keep living the good life in the capital of the world when your soul is just as black as hers, if not more so. All she’s guilty of is loving you enough to do what you refused to do yourself.”

She was silent for about fifteen seconds before she very coldly said, “I suggest you get out of my dream, Navarone.”

I decided it would be a very good idea to get out of her dream.

As soon as I stepped back into the anteroom, her dream disappeared. That’s when I remembered that I didn’t get the chance to ask her about the dragon treaty. I somehow had a feeling that wasn’t going to be happening for a while.

“That might not have been a wise decision,” Blaze commented.

“So I take it that you don’t consider it your job to advise me before I make mistakes.”

“It is difficult to do that when you ask me to keep out of your mind. But in general, you are correct. Fire elementals direct their hosts in combat. We believe their personal life is theirs to control. Making mistakes is part of growing as a person. You will never truly learn your lesson until you have seen the result for yourself. Water elementals hold the opposite belief. As it is, I will say I was incorrect. There is no might. That was a very unwise decision.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because Celestia just teleported to me and demanded I spar with her until neither of us could stand. She is extremely irate and I don’t think I will be able to refuse her. It is going to take time for me to heal all the damage she is about to inflict on me.”

“Tell her to calm down. She’s very reasonable. I bet it’ll work.”

He was silent for five seconds. “It did not work. It absolutely did not work.”

“Oh. Good luck.” For the record, I knew it wouldn’t work.

He didn’t reply.

When I looked back around the dream realm, I saw that Twilight was finally asleep. I jumped over to her dream and wrote another message on it. “Would you mind some company?”

In response, her dream disappeared and she showed up where it had been. “Miss me already, Nav?” she asked with a smile.

“Oh, of course. But I also needed to ask where we were supposed to meet the waters.”

“There’s a small island chain just to the south of Iceland. They’ll be waiting there. They know what all three of you look like, so they’ll be watching out for you.”

“Cool beans. I tried asking Celestia about this, but we got off topic and I pissed her off royally. Do you know—”

“What did you do?” I rolled my eyes and explained some of what happened with Luna and some of what I told Celestia. Twilight sighed and face-hoofed. “Nav, that might not have been a wise decision.”

“Preachin’ to the choir here, Twiley. But it needed to be said, wise or not.”

“No, Nav. It didn’t need to be said. But it has been. I believe the water elementals will offer an advisor to Celestia when they get back from Iceland. She might need one, if she keeps going down these dark paths. It’s apparently doing wonders for Chrysalis. Er, Moonbeam.”

“Interesting. Anyway, what can you tell me about the treaty between ponies and dragons?”

She lifted a hoof to her chin in thought. “I believe I may have heard of something like that. Can you jog my memory?”

“I spoke to Reginald before we left. He told me that Celestia blackmailed him into supporting a treaty that favored the ponies after an altercation between the races.” She tilted her head slightly. “Said treaty meant the ponies get one dragon egg every ten years as a hostage.” Her eyes widened. “I think Spike was one of said eggs and Celestia used that egg as a magic guinea pig.” Her mouth dropped. “I was wondering if you knew why the treaty was signed or what blackmail info Celestia has on Reginald. He wouldn’t tell me any more.”

It took her a moment to regain her composure. When she did, she seemed icily cold. “I was wrong, Navarone. It did need to be said. And I’m afraid I don’t know anything about that treaty. Perhaps it’s time I ask Celestia.”

“Yeah, have fun with that. I don’t think she’s in the mood for a conversation right now, though.” Blaze growled. “I’m going to do some digging when I get to Iceland. Hopefully, the dragons can give me an unbiased version of what happened.”

“I doubt it. How did Spike take the news?”

“He doesn’t know yet. Or at least, I don’t think he does. Hell, I don’t even know if Celestia realized he went with us. At the moment, he’s a hostage who managed to escape to his homeland. I’m not going to spread that information too far, but once he learns the truth, he might not want to come back.”

She sighed and hung her head. “We all knew it could happen some day. Just… not like this.”

“It’ll be his choice. I’m really hoping we can find his parents, but I don’t know if that’ll be possible.”

Her head pulled back up. “Good luck, Nav. I really wish I could be there with the two of you. It would be nice if I could… I guess make up for my part in what happened to him.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Twilight. Celestia was the one who was using those eggs. You were just doing what you were told.” Which is really, really fucked up, but definitely not her fault. “Experimenting on prisoners goes beyond evil. She better have a very, very good explanation when I get a chance to ask her.”

“Hm… I know she has records of everything. I just don’t know where. Did you happen to leave your key and ring outside of the box?”

“I did. Kat should have them both. I think she’s staying with Fleur at the moment. If you’re planning on stealing records, ask for Kat’s help. I’ve had her do it for me before.”

Her eye widened. “You did?”

“Well, I had her steal back all the books I wrote that Celestia said I couldn’t have published. Then I had them all published. I bet she wasn’t too happy about that one. She might have increased her defenses, in fact. You should definitely speak to Kat.”

“...I believe I might. Why is she staying with Fleur?”

“Because she’s gonna be the cat contestant in the Miss Universe contest Fleur is holding. Also because Fleur might need the skills of an assassin soon.”

“Uh huh. Should I be worried?”

“I dunno, maybe? I try not to think about it.”

“You are so bad at being a noble, Nav.”

“Thank you,” I replied with a boop to her nose. “Anyway, that’s all I needed. Unless you need to ask me anything, I’m gonna go back to regular sleep. We still aren’t quite there, so I need my rest to make the rest of the flight in the morning.”

“Of course. Keep me and Aqua updated about your progress, if possible. If you are able to find where the next fire elemental is and show me in a dream, it could be possible to avoid you having to find the waters entirely.”

“Silly Twilight, it’ll never be that easy. You just know he’s gonna be in the home of the biggest, meanest son of a bitch dragon there. Or in their most well-protected treasury. It’s not gonna be any kind of easy.”

“True.” She smirked and floated up to my face to kiss me. “For luck!”

“It worked out pretty well last time, so I’ll take it,” I replied with a grin. “I’ll try to see you tomorrow night, Twiley.”

“Until then!” She disappeared and her bubble reappeared. I really did need some actual sleep, so I also vacated the dream realm and descended straight into darkness.

Thankfully, I don’t remember any of my dreams.

Spike woke up feeling refreshed, I woke up feeling okay, and I don’t think Reginald slept at all, because he looked like shit. Then again, I guess he did kinda sleep for a few hundred years at some point, so maybe one night’s rest just felt like five minutes for him.

Either way, we took off with no breakfast, though a rumbling in my tummy made me ask what I forgot to ask before we left. “So what are we gonna do for food while we’re there?” I called over to Reginald while we were in the air.

“I am about to tell you one of the reasons that Iceland is our homeland,” he called back. “The gem mines there never run out. The dragons hire out dog miners and pay them in gems and gold. The entire island is covered in never ending gem mines. Food will be the least of our problems. And do not spread that knowledge.”

“You got it.” Though I guess now the fire elementals know. And so will anyone reading my journal, not that it’ll matter when I stick you like a fucking pig.

I got all the playfulness out of my system the day before, so we shot straight to Iceland. From where we were in Greenland, it didn’t take very long for us to finally arrive in the land of the dragons.

Our first view of the large island was a very foreboding cliffside. As soon as we crested it, I realized it was covered in grass. That actually surprised me; I was expecting the entire place to be a blackened and burnt wasteland.

Not even a minute after we got over land, a dragon slightly smaller than me and covered in steel armor dove down from some clouds and flew next to Reginald. “Land,” he immediately ordered.

Thankfully, Reginald didn’t talk back and we all started landing. The purifier angled back toward the coast, so we followed him and all ended up on the cliffside. Once we touched down, Spike hopped down with a sigh of happiness; I imagine riding for that long didn’t feel too great.

“I don’t recognize any of you,” the guy said. “What are your names and what is your business here?”

“My name is Reginald,” the great green wyrm replied with pride. “I am here to visit old friends.”

“...Reginald. The Reginald?”

“Yes.”

The purifier’s mouth tightened. “There were many that hoped you were dead.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint them.”

“Perhaps not. There would be many that would jump to kill you. Our code does not protect traitors.”

“I don’t need a code to protect me.”

The purifier snarled and turned to me. “And who are you? And do you know with whom you travel?”

“I am Tiamat. This is Spike. I ran into Reginald in mainland Equestria. He offered to guide me to the homeland. We’ve never been before. And no, I’m afraid I don’t know his history.”

“I suggest doing yourself a favor and leaving this old dragon behind. Your life will be at risk if you stay with him.”

Jesus. “What is his crime?” I asked.

“I committed no crime,” Reginald replied. “I just made an unpopular decision to end a war before it could finish brewing. I saved our kind. Unfortunately, there are many that found the means by which I did so… distasteful.”

“All you did was shame our entire race and consign hundreds of innocent unborn hatchlings to a fate worse than death!”

“Can you maybe be more specific?” I asked.

Reginald snorted. “I have no interest in listening to purifier propaganda. Tiamat, when you get tired of their lies, join me at Pyrite’s home. He would be happy to put an old friend up for some time, disgraced or otherwise.”

“Do not think you can hide behind that senile old bat forever,” the purifier hotly replied. “Perhaps when his mood shifts, he’ll do our race a favor and finally remove you from it!” Reginald rolled his eyes and then jumped back into the air to fly north. Once he was gone, the purifier turned back to me with something closer to a smile. “Pardon the rude welcome, Tiamat. Most guests I receive do not have his… infamy. My name is Purifier Claw. It is not often we get guests that have never been to Iceland. If there is any way I can assist you, let me know.”

“What’s a purifier?” Spike asked before I could say anything.

“We are the enforcers of the dragon codes and laws,” Claw replied. “It is interesting that you came back with Reginald. In a way, he is the one that began the tradition of purifiers. The very first member of our order is the dragon who forced that traitor into exile. He’ll be very interested to hear that Reginald is back. If the two of you would like to join me, we can report the news to him. He’d be grateful and would likely offer you a place to stay in one of our strongholds while you are here.”

“I mean no ill-will toward Reginald,” I replied. “At least, not yet. He has done nothing to me personally.”

“But he has done plenty to our race. I know you currently do not understand, but should you join me, we can tell you the whole story. I’m sure you’d understand when you know the truth.”

I looked down at Spike. He met my gaze and shrugged. I looked back to the purifier, who was finally smiling at me. “Very well. Having friends and a place to stay while we are visiting will be nice.”

“Excellent! I’m sure you are weary from your journey, but it is not a long flight. I will be happy to stick to your pace.”

Spike sighed and hopped back onto my back. “Then please, lead the way,” I said with a nod. We both jumped into the air and started flying further inland.

“So what brings the two of you here?” Claw asked.

“We’re just here to visit,” I immediately replied. “We have never been. I thought it prudent to visit our homeland. While we are here, I would like to learn more about our past. I would also like to explore, if possible.”

“The outside world can be a very dangerous place. It can also be very difficult for us. Once the two of you get older, finding enough food might become problematic. I guarantee that you would not have issues here. Have you considered settling down in Iceland?”

“I have. It would be a… tough sell. But I am going to keep an open mind while we explore.” What little of it I’d seen so far had been beautiful. The cliff was brutal, but very pretty. And now that we were flying over more of the island, I could see plenty of rivers and a few open magma pools.

“If you would like a guide to see some of our nicer locations, I’m sure that can be arranged,” he said. “As I said, it is rare that we get visitors who have never been here. I’m sure all you would have to do is ask and dozens of purifiers would be all too happy to assist.”

One of the benefits of being sexy, I guess. “Perhaps that would be wise. I do not know where I am allowed and where I am not. I have no interest in angering any locals with my ignorance.”

“Many of your local brethren are territorial. If I am capable of being relieved, I would be delighted to join you.” I’m sure you would. “One of the things we learn quickly as purifiers is who lives where and what services are available in which locations. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time watching the empty border.” If the entire place is patrolled, I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t try to bring the boat in.

“Are there any cities here?” Spike asked.

“Not as you would find in pony lands,” Claw replied. “We have very few buildings and most dragons stay in small groups. We are actually on the way to one of the largest gatherings now, on the largest mountain in Iceland. It is the closest thing to a city we have.”

“Reginald talked about a dragon named Pyrite,” I said. “He seemed to imply he was a leader. Where does Pyrite live?”

“In the badlands far to the north, in the most inhospitable volcano on the island. He may be the oldest dragon and many may look to him for guidance, but he is no leader. His mind is addled and broken. It has been ever since he lost a fight against a legendary demon.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“And unfortunately, little is known about it,” he said. “All I know is that he challenged a great demon of chaos and was cast down into the volcano he now makes his home. He rarely leaves, rarely talks, and his moods shift erratically. You would do well to avoid him. He has sent many young drakes our age on mysterious missions to Tartarus. None ever return.”

Huh. “Maybe he wants revenge on that demon.” Not that he’ll find him in Tartarus.

“Perhaps. These days, most of us look to Bahamut for guidance. After he cast Reginald out, he created the order of purifiers to keep our race strong. While you are here, you should learn our code. Perhaps you would be interested in joining.”

“What others choose to do is of no concern to me,” I said. “I have my own life to live. If they choose to make mistakes, that is not my problem.”

“That is unfortunate, but you may change your mind. You should see the mountain now.”

I did. It was pretty puny, as far as mountains go. But I didn’t want to insult their shitty little mountain, so I just said, “I do.”

“It’s not very large,” Spike dubiously said. I shifted hard, throwing him off balance.

“To traveled eyes, perhaps,” Claw said. “But to one who has never left the island, it is a huge and humbling home. If you would be interested in telling us of your travels, you would find many friends.”

“I have told my story more times than I care to remember,” I said. “I have little interest in speaking more about myself.”

“Speak for yourself!” Spike said, patting my back. “I’d love to talk about everything we’ve seen and done!”

“I advise loosening your tongue slightly, Tiamat,” Claw said. “There are many who find it difficult to trust a silent traveler. Outsiders always bring new tales and news. Silence is suspicious.”

Now that we were getting closer, I started to see several more dragons flying to and fro. Some were fighting. Most were just travelling. Some flew in close to get a better look at us before moving on, having lost interest. A few purifiers roamed the skies, watching the fights and I guess making sure they didn’t get out of… claw.

“Silence has served me well in the past, but I will try to play nice. I have had many male dragons feign interest in my words in an attempt to get close to my body.” He didn’t reply. After a moment, I looked his way and noticed he was blushing very slightly. I grinned and continued, “Honesty would get them much closer, much faster. Pleasures of the flesh can be enjoyable for all and hiding your desires behind words just wastes time. I have little use for those who cannot say what they want.”

“You are… surprisingly forward, Tiamat.”

“I find that bandying words is a waste of time. If you want something, say it. If you are told no, move on with your life. If you are told yes, then you have saved time.”

“...I imagine the elders of your home do not like you.”

“I travel for a reason.”

We were finally close enough for the mountain to be more than a speck on the horizon. With my special dragon eyes, I could see several caves dotting the mountainside. Dragons of all sizes and colors lazed about in the openings. Hundreds more flew above the mountain, circling the place for various reasons. I saw that many of them were covered in steel armor. A few had fancier metals, presumably signs of different ranks.

“You’d find your mindset respected in the ranks of the purifiers. I believe you could make a nice home here.”

“Perhaps. I enjoy traveling. I rarely settle down for longer than a year.”

He finally started angling toward the base of the mountain. We followed, of course. “I imagine you’ve seen many wonderful things.”

“And many horrible things. The balance of the world seems to be broken. Chaos wracks the land in many areas. The beauty of nature and civilization is greatly diminished by violence among the mortal races. Especially those who like to use our kind to further their goals. I’ve seen more than one dragon acting as paid muscle for criminals.”

“I hope you taught them the error of their way, Tiamat. Such dragons bring shame to our entire race. We fight for honor and glory, not for gold.”

“I have left several graves in my wake. Many of those who sought to challenge me did not have the chance to regret their mistake.”

“Oh, you’re a warrior?”

“The mortal races may consider me such. However, I have found that fighting them has done little to prepare me for fighting other dragons. My time spent traveling has left me ill-equipped to fight others of our kind. I would prefer to stay pacifistic while I am here.”

“Then I suggest you swallow your pride. There are many female dragons who might feel… ah… strongly about your presence. Especially if their chosen male dragons begin giving you attention.”

“In my travels, I have found that pride is a weakness.”

“And that is an opinion you will keep to yourself,” he immediately replied. I snorted. “Pride is our greatest strength. It keeps us alive when nothing else should.” It can also get you killed when running would keep you alive. Or when submission is wiser. “You have definitely led an interesting life, to turn your back on our most powerful weapon.”

“I suppose I have.”

We were finally coming to a stop at the very bottom of the mountain. In front of us was a massive cave opening flanked by two dragon teenagers in steel armor. They both stared at me as Claw led the way into the cave.

Once we got past the opening, we entered a hall lit by huge braziers that filled the air with smoke. For some reason, it didn’t bother me at all. Hundreds of sentences were carved into the walls and ceiling. Claw saw me looking at them and said, “The dragon’s code of honor is inscribed here for all to read. Every purifier knows each word by heart. We strive to live by the tenets set forth by Bahamut and the other purifier elders. If you plan on staying for longer than a week, I suggest familiarizing yourself with them.” I noticed that several younger dragons were doing so, standing on each others shoulders to read higher up since they didn’t have wings yet.

“Most dragons I have met can’t read.”

“Some can. Many can’t. All those who seek to become purifiers learn. Some of them learn here, in fact. The younger members of my order are happy to teach any who seek to learn. If you’re interested, I can spend time teaching either of you.”

“We both already know,” I said. “It can be difficult making your way through mortal cities if you are unable to read signs.”

“Are we gonna pass through here on the way out?” Spike asked.

“We will,” Claw said.

Spike hopped off my back. “I’ll catch up, N—Uh, Tiamat. I’m gonna do some light reading.”

“Very well.” He hobbled off to check out the walls while Claw and I continued in.

“What is your relationship to him?” he asked me when we were far enough away.

“He travels with me for protection. He knows even less about our kind. I do not believe he knows his parents. There are times I think he considers me a mother. When I leave Iceland, it might be without him. There is safety in independence.”

He didn’t reply. After a few more minutes of walking, we came to a huge throne room centered by an enormous brown dragon. He was probably a thousand or two years younger than Pyrite, but he didn’t have an addled look in his eyes. I realized the reason the hallway was so large is because he needed all that room just to get in and out. Several small clusters of purifiers of all ranks and sizes stood around us, talking quietly about who knows what. Some of them stared at me as we passed, but none of them challenged us.

“That is Bahamut,” Claw very quietly and pointlessly told me. “He is almost as old as Pyrite and much older than Reginald.”

“I can tell.” Jesus, just the size of him. Imagine a hundred tons of pissed off dragon coming right at you. No wonder Celestia wanted hostages. Just Bahamut alone could probably destroy Canterlot in an afternoon.

At the moment, he wasn’t paying the two of us any attention. He was currently speaking to a group of three purifiers that were all about as large as Reginald. I could barely hear what he was saying with all the echoes of everything else going on around us, but I picked up the occasional word about stealing, honor, and teaching lessons. I decided it was none of my business and did my best to tune it out.

When we got to a reasonable distance, Claw stopped and put a claw on my shoulder, telling me to wait as well. We sat in silence for another five minutes before the three large dragons pressed claws into their chests and walked out. As soon as they started moving, Bahamut turned his eyes on us.

“Claw. You weren’t scheduled to return for another… three hours, I believe. I hope this pretty lass hasn’t seduced you from your duty.”

“She has not, Lord Bahamut,” Claw replied with a bow. “She is a newcomer to our lands, here just to visit. But she is not why I have returned to the mountainhome. Her travel companion is who concerned me.”

“You are learning how to build drama very well, Claw. Get to the point.”

Claw dropped the bow and looked Bahamut in the eyes. “Reginald has returned.” The hall immediately went silent and Bahamut’s mouth tightened. Now feels like a very bad time to be Reginald’s friend. “He immediately went to Pyrite’s volcano for protection.”

Bahamut turned his gaze on me. Holy shit, his eyes… “And you traveled with him.” It felt like I got hit by a truck.

I knew how I handled the next few minutes meant the difference in life or death. I didn’t feel very secure in my scales anymore.

But I had to look confident. Any signs of weakness and they would tear me apart in a heartbeat and then do who knows what to Spike. “He offered to guide me to Iceland. I do not know his past. I just saw an older dragon willing to help a younger one get home.”

“Hm. I imagine if you did know the truth, you would have elected to go to Pyrite for protection as well. Coming here shows courage in the face of the unknown. What is your name?”

“Tiamat.”

“...Tiamat. It seems your parents were expecting dark things from you, young one. That is a name not many know. Do you know its history?” I’m starting to think I made a mistake in coming here.

“I do not.”

He smiled. “Perhaps ignorance is best. To reward your courage, I will give you three things. First, you may have a spare room in our stronghold. Second, I give you an open offer to join our order. We need more female dragons.” When he said that, I realized that I actually hadn’t seen any female purifiers. For some reason, that seemed ominous. “Third, I will tell you the crimes of Reginald, so you may permanently distance yourself from that filthy traitor.”

“Thank you for the gifts, Lord Bahamut.”

“About… oh, ten thousand or so years ago, right before I was born, a demon of chaos attacked Iceland. Hundreds of powerful dragons faced him. Most were easily killed or driven insane. Pyrite was one of those dragons. The demon fought him in claw to claw combat. At the time, Pyrite was one of the most skilled warriors we had. He was the only one that lasted longer than a minute against the demon. Their battle raged across the entire island until finally, the demon struck Pyrite down into a mountain with enough force to make it erupt, coating the entire north in ash and creating the badlands. The duel with the demon changed Pyrite. The once great warrior seemed to withdraw into himself. He rapidly became eccentric, talking to himself and acting strangely. There were many times he refused to leave the volcano at all. About… four thousand or so years later, or six thousand years ago, the demon struck again, attacking the alicorns of old. At this point, Pyrite had come to terms with his addled mind and gained new respect for being wise. When he saw what was happening, he dispatched one of his trusted warriors to assist. That warrior was Reginald. He was warned not to battle the demon directly, for that path led to ruin. Instead, he attacked many of the creations of the demon, helping the mortal races defend against monsters of all kinds. In his travels, he became particularly attached to a group of naga. Through them, he met the pony rulers, the last living alicorns. Celestia had no use for him, but he grew close to Luna. Over the years, the two of them defended the newly created pony race from all manner of villains. In time, they grew… closer than was appropriate. Eventually, Luna attacked and destroyed a ship that was carrying dragon eggs. It was in neutral waters and the crew was not responding to her hails, so she decided destroying it would be wiser than risking a trap. It is likely that she did not know what was on it, but it did not matter. In the end, it almost caused a war that would have likely driven both races close to extinction. Cooler heads, namely Pyrite and Celestia, drafted treaties on both sides that could end the war before it started. The treaty Pyrite created would have had both sides ending all hostilities and leaving it at that. The treaty Celestia created ended all hostilities and gave the ponies one dragon egg every ten years to use as a hostage in case we ever thought to initiate war again. It was an outrage and even hearing about it almost renewed interest in fighting on our side. However, Pyrite talked down the heat in our hearts and urged us to seek peace. Most of us hated the very idea of Celestia’s treaty, but she wasn’t interested in backing down. Finally, she revealed to Reginald that she knew the truth of his relationship with Luna and threatened to tell the world if he didn’t support her treaty. He agreed and talked Pyrite and enough of their supporters into agreeing with it just to end the war, reasoning that as long as we kept our end of the treaty, there would be no trouble.”

He finally stopped and just stared at me, waiting for a reaction. It wasn’t hard to come up with one. “That was dishonorable of him.”

“You are a fan of understatements, I take it. The ink on the treaty wasn’t even dry before I confronted that bastard wyrm and beat the truth out of him. Out of respect for Pyrite, I forced him out of Iceland instead of killing him. It seems that he did not learn his lesson. More’s the pity; I am not looking forward to cleaning his dirty blood from my claws. I will send a messenger to Pyrite’s volcano informing him that he has one week to leave before I lead every single purifier in Iceland there to finish what I started three thousand years ago. If Pyrite chooses to defend him, I will become the new dragon king.”

Looks like we got a week to find the fire elemental before we cause a fucking revolution. This is absolutely not what the world needs right now. Volunteers immediately started jumping forward from the crowd of purifiers, people who apparently wanted to earn Bahamut’s favor by being the messenger sent to Reginald.

He lifted a massive claw to silence them. “In a moment, brothers. Tiamat, wait in the hall. Claw will join you shortly to escort you to a spare room. It will be bare, but it will keep the elements off your back while you rest.”

“As you command. Though I do have one request. I would like a guide. Iceland is a new land for me and I would not want to offend any of its residents with my ignorance. If not, I will find my own way.”

“There will be no shortage of volunteers, I’m sure,” he sarcastically replied. A few dragons in the crowd snickered. “Now leave us.” I lightly bowed and departed, shaking my tail just a teensy bit more than necessary. I ignored all the hungry gazes watching me leave.

Once I finally got back into the hall, my brain started turning. I had pretty much already figured out what Reginald had done, but that filled in a few of the missing pieces of the puzzle. I had a feeling it wasn’t the entire story, but I knew I wouldn’t be getting that from the purifiers. I also knew that I couldn’t tell them about Spike, which meant finding his parents would be very difficult. I’d probably have to find less fanatical dragons to talk to. And perhaps most pressing of all, I had a timeline of a week to find Char before the entire island was embroiled in a civil war. And given what I was just told about the treaty with the ponies and what I know about nationalism in general, a civil war ending with Bahamut as a victor meant the ponies would be almost immediately annihilated out of revenge.

But in the meantime, I’d have a place to stay and presumably food to eat. I’d also have a decent source of information, as long as Spike and I were careful about telling them more than we should. That meant I’d have to tell Spike the truth about the treaty, but I was planning on doing that anyway. I was just hoping I’d have more of the full story before doing so.

I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.

I didn’t walk for too long before finding him again. He was standing in front of one of the walls, tracing the words with a claw. He didn’t look up when I stopped next to him. After a moment of silence, I read the line he was staring at.

‘Rescue the unborn hostages.’

Oh boy...

After a few more seconds of silence, he quietly asked, “Nav, why did Celestia have my egg?”

“Spike, you have my word that I will tell you everything I know when we’re alone. It shouldn’t take long for us to get a room. Alright?”

He just continued staring at the words.

We didn’t have to wait too long for Claw to rejoin us. “Are you two ready?” he asked.

“Yes. Spike?” He silently mounted my back again.

Claw eyed him for a moment before looking at me. “There are not many dragons that would consent to being ridden.”

“I am not many dragons.”

For some reason, that made him smile. “I suppose not.” He started walking back down the hall. “Lord Bahamut has allowed me to be your guide, starting tomorrow. After I take you to your room, I am to deliver the ultimatum to Pyrite. I believe there is a vein of sapphires in the room you will receive. I hope they are to your liking.”

“They’ll be fine. Are we allowed to leave the mountain?”

“Of course. You are not prisoners. I wouldn’t advise leaving, at least without a guide, but you are free to come and go as you please.” Why do I have a feeling I’ll be followed wherever I go?

“Bahamut mentioned something about female purifiers. I haven’t seen any of them. Is your order segregated?”

“Ah… No. Females act as standard purifiers for about half the year. But when their heat begins, they become… Well, they become free to use by any male purifier to ensure their eggs are fertilized. After their eggs are laid, they seclude themselves in special hatching chambers, where all of their needs are met until the eggs are hatched. After that, they return to active duty and their hatchlings are raised by the community.”

“I see.” I had a feeling my tone was colder than it should have been.

He sighed and said, “There are not many female dragons who would choose such a life, I’m afraid.”

“I am not interested.”

“Hm. The way you spoke before, I thought… Well, you seem interested in things of a carnal nature. I assumed you might be—”

“I am not.”

“Very well.” After that, silence reigned until we got back outside. “Your room will be fairly high up the mountain. We’ll be flying over a few hot springs, if you are interested in washing the dust off from your journey. But I must get to my new task, so I will just point them out as we fly over.”

“Alright.” He seemed a little disheartened by my reply and took off without another word. Spike and I joined him in the air.

We soared up the side of the mountain. Sure enough, he pointed out a few outcroppings with bubbling hot springs where a few dragons were relaxing. He also pointed out some gem veins that were poking out of the mountain, in case we wanted something other than sapphires.

As I said before, the mountain was kinda puny, so it didn’t take us too long to get to what was apparently our cave. We landed at the opening and Spike hopped off my back again. “If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask a purifier,” Claw said. “We are absolutely not servants, but we’re always happy to assist any dragon with anything. And if you find yourself in any disputes, feel free to demand that one of us mediate. It would likely be your best chance of getting out of anything without a fight.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you for the help, Claw. Having a friendly face in a new land is more valuable than you know, and I really do appreciate it. Once I get some food and rest, I’ll be in a much better mood, I’m sure.”

“Then I’ll leave you to that, Tiamat. Rest well and easy.” He bowed and took off, heading north.

I sighed and finally eased up. I forgot how stressful this shit can be. When I couldn’t see him anymore, I went further into the cave. Spike was already chewing on some sapphires he broke off. “I can’t believe you guys really eat that shit.”

“You’re gonna be eating it too, Nav,” he replied around chews. “It’s a lot better than you think.”

My grumbling stomach wasn’t quite sure about that, but I knew I didn’t really have too much of a choice. It was this or nothing, and without my super cool tree powers, nothing meant dying. So I sighed and broke a chunk of sapphire off, then watched in wonder as it immediately started growing back. “Whoa.”

“You’ve never seen a gem mine before, have you?” he asked.

“I mean, I kinda sorta have, but I’ve never seen one actually grow back.”

“As long as you don’t take the roots out, they do. I don’t really know much about the magic involved, but the deeper the roots, the faster it grows.”

“Huh.” Since I couldn’t really stall anymore, I tossed the sapphire into my mouth and bit down with a flinch. I immediately tasted… Hell, I can’t describe it all that well. The texture was absolutely the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth, but the taste was like a blueberry fucked a cherry and had some kind of weird berry baby.

Spike watched me eat it with a smirk and asked, “What do you think?”

“Well… The taste is alright. But it’s like eating glass!” At least it isn’t fucking up my gums. I kinda wonder what will happen to my body if I turn back with this stuff still in my system.

“Nah, that stuff is tasteless. Not very filling, either. Twilight tried making me go on a diet once and that was part of it. Just a bunch of disgusting empty calories. Sapphires are great, but they’re more a dessert gem. I really like rubies. They have a zesty, spicy meat taste. Diamonds are good palate cleansers. I’m sure we can find more and let you try all of them later, though.”

“Yeah, probably. Let’s look around the cave a bit more and then we’ll talk, alright?”

“...Yeah.”

I ripped off some more sapphire and munched on it as I walked around the place. Honestly, there wasn’t much to it. There were two more veins of sapphire, a small spring of ice-cold water, and a large bed of moss. The place wasn’t that deep, but it definitely kept us out of the elements and it gave us something like privacy.

Once we had given the place a good look, I settled down on the moss and thought of how to start the ensuing conversation. For better or worse, Spike started it for me. “So why did Celestia have my egg, Nav?”

I sighed and ran a claw down my face before looking him in the eyes. “I’m going to tell you what I know, Spike. Before I do, I want you to understand that I only have the dragon’s side of the story. I just learned all of this today and I haven’t spoken to Celestia about it. This might not be the truth. Okay?”

“...Okay.”

“Six thousand years ago, there was almost a war between the ponies and the dragons. I don’t know all the details of what caused it. One of the leaders of the dragons, a huge gold dragon named Pyrite, wrote out a peace treaty that would end the hostilities before things got out of hand. Celestia wrote a counter treaty. Pyrite’s treaty would have ended it then and there. Celestia’s treaty… demanded a little bit more.” I sighed and said, “Are you sure you want me to continue this, Spike? You’re not gonna like what I’m about to say.”

“I want to know, Nav. I need to know!”

“...Yeah. I guess you do. Celestia’s treaty said that the ponies got one dragon egg every ten years to use as a hostage in case hostilities ever erupted again.” His mouth dropped. “I don’t know for sure, but… I think you were one of those eggs, Spike. I think you were a hostage that Celestia experimented on. When Twilight accidentally hatched you, Celestia raised you herself and kept you ignorant about other dragons. She raised you in the palace so you could never leave her sight. You were a prisoner.”

“H… how… B-but…”

“The dragons hated Celestia’s treaty. Almost none of them wanted it. But there was a dragon who was close to the ponies. That dragon was Reginald. He was secretly in love with Luna. Celestia found out and used that to blackmail him into supporting her treaty. He tipped the balance in favor of her treaty and the dragons signed it. He was exiled for his actions, but the damage was done.”

“I don’t… I don’t believe you!”

I reached over there and put a large claw on his shoulder. “Spike, I will never lie to you. You know that. As far as I know, this is absolutely the truth.” His entire body sagged and he started crying, so I pulled him in and hugged him. It took him a few minutes to calm down, which I considered totally understandable. He just learned his entire life was a lie, after all. When he wasn’t bawling as hard, I quietly said, “I don’t know Celestia’s side of the story yet, Spike. When we get back, I’m going to confront her. If you choose to go back with me, you’re going to be right there next to me. We’re going to make her tell us the truth.” It would involve both my ring and key, but she wasn’t going to weasel out of it.

He didn’t reply, though. I honestly don’t think he could at the moment. After another few minutes, he finally pushed me away and backed up, though he didn’t look at me. “I… I need to… I need to go for a walk…”

He turned and started to leave, but I grabbed his tail. “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, Spike,” I quietly said. “There are no words I can say to make it feel better. I know that. But please, please, please don’t do or say anything you might regret. And remember that I will always be there for you.”

“I’ll… I’ll be back later.”

“Take your time, Spike. This is a lot to take in at once.” If you know what I mean. “I’m gonna go for a flight and check out the lay of the land. I’ll try to be back before night.” When I let him go, he walked out without another word.

Speaking of Celestia, how are you feeling after that beating?

Blaze growled. “That beating is still happening, Navarone. This mare’s stamina is unreal! And her anger! Sweet kindling, her anger could melt rock! She would make a perfect fire host.”

Wow. Sounds like you have the hots for her.

“I understand Flo’s frustration more and more every minute.”

You don’t need to get so fired up, man.

“I think the better question is why she never did the world a favor and killed you.”

I… lav-a good brain teaser!

“I want you to know that legitimately made me weaker.”

I decided to stop teasing the thing that could turn my brain off. Instead, I drank some of the cold water and then left the cave to fly south. Twilight wasn’t exactly very specific about where the islands were, so I was pretty much relying on luck to get me there.

The mountain was really close to the coast, but I didn’t see any islands from there. I decided to fly west and hope for the best, since I figured they’d stage closer to where we would be arriving.

After flying for about half an hour, I finally spotted an island not too far from the coast. I landed on Iceland’s beach to stretch my wings and wait. Sure enough, about five minutes after I landed, two purifiers that were about about a hundred years younger than me landed in front of me. Why am I not surprised?

“We’re surprised to see you leaving so soon,” one of them said. “Was your cave not to your liking?”

“I came here to see Iceland,” I replied with a smile. “It’s hard to see much of it when I’m stuck in a cave. I didn’t think too many dragons would lay claim on the coast, so I decided to explore it. There’s no crime in that, is there?”

“You didn’t explore for very long,” the other one said.

“Well, I’ve been flying for a while. My wings are sore. I decided to land and rest them for a moment.”

They didn’t look very convinced. “Would you like us to fly you back to your cave, then?” one asked. “We’ll make sure you get back even with sore wings.”

Alright, time to end this game. “My oh my… You’re quite eager to get back to my cave, aren’t you? Hm. Why might that be, I wonder…?” I began walking closer, wagging my tail back and forth. “I think you two might want something from me.”

“N-no, it’s not—”

“Now, now,” I said over his stammered excuses. “You don’t have to deny it. In fact…” I spun around and lifted my tail out of the way. “I’m quite open to it!” I looked back and saw both of them gaping. “Don’t make me beg…”

The one that wasn’t trying to stammer anything elbowed the other one and stepped forward, a large grin on his face. “I’m not gonna say no to an open invitation!”

About an hour later, I was waving the two of them off, a big grin on my face. I honestly wasn’t really interested in either of them, but I needed to make them leave and I couldn’t think of any other way to do it. As soon as I couldn’t see them anymore, I unsteadily hopped into the air and skimmed across the ocean, shivering slightly at the feeling of my body leaking.

Three water elementals were waiting for me on the coast of that island. It looked like Brook, Ice, and Aqua. I landed in front of them, doing my best to send as much sand as possible into Aqua. She turned slightly red, but didn’t comment on it.

“It is good to see you well, Nav,” Brook said with pink eyes. “Though I am surprised to see you alone.”

“Yeah, shit got kinda weird. Apparently Reginald is this place’s Vidkun Quisling and Spike just learned that his entire life was a lie, so they’re both a little busy right now.”

“...Those merit explanations,” Aqua slowly said.

I rolled my eyes and explained them, not that it was really any of their business.

When I was done, all three of them were very blue. Ice quietly said, “I think it’s time we had a talk with Celestia.”

“I think it’s well past time for that,” Brook replied. “But that will be a matter for later. Navarone, we believe the fire elemental is somewhere to the north. Can you begin scouting it out tomorrow?”

“I can try. At the moment, Spike and I are pretending to be travelers. We have a guide, but I get the feeling he’ll try to keep us south. I’ll do my best to get us to move north, though. Do you have an exact location?

“If we were all with you, we could lead you directly to it. But I’m afraid we can’t just point at a map and show you. All I know for sure, without getting closer, is that he is somewhere in the north. We’ve scouted around the entire island, so we know he isn’t visible from the coast. I know that barely narrows it down, but hopefully it will help.”

“Hm. I know of a volcano to the north. Apparently Pyrite lives in one. But I’m sure he would have mentioned something to someone if he had a fire elemental as a roommate.”

“Then it is probable that you can rule that volcano out. It’s a shame that Blaze couldn’t be trusted to help us. He could lead you right to his brother.”

Aqua smirked and said, “He’s earning his keep as Celestia’s punching bag anyway. Apparently Nav upset her and she’s been beating him up and down the palace all night and day. So much for being masters of war.” My head started getting uncomfortably warm.

“What did you say to Celestia?” Brook asked.

“This and that. Personal stuff. She didn’t take it well.” I shrugged. “She’s just being dramatic.”

“Lying is unhealthy, Navarone,” Aqua said. “You told Twilight the truth. There is no harm in telling us.”

“Aqua, don’t make me drink you,” I said. “Besides, she’s probably gonna get a lot angrier when Twilight tells her the news. Then she can be mad for a good reason.”

“And what news is that?” Aqua asked, rolling her eyes.

“So you remember how I mentioned that Reginald is the biggest race traitor on the planet?” She nodded, but was obviously getting impatient. “So it turns out there are a lot of people here that aren’t very interested in having him back. One of them was a dragon named Bahamut, who owns a good chunk of the island and a huge army of fanatical brainwashed dragons, hates Celestia and the ponies, and will stop at nothing to get revenge. Reginald knew this was coming and decided to go to the king of dragons for refuge. Bahamut is giving him seven days to get off the island before he leads a coup. He has enough power behind him to easily win. And judging by what I’ve seen of his code, he’ll turn around and destroy Equestria entirely before the dust even settles here.”

All three of them stared at me blankly for a few very uncomfortable moments before Aqua surged forward and slapped me right across the face. “WE SENT YOU TO ICELAND TO GET A FIRE ELEMENTAL AND YOU STARTED A WAR!”

“That’s a huge overstatement,” I said, rubbing my face.

Aqua turned bright red and she lifted her hand to slap me again, but Ice grabbed it. She formed another hand from her body and slapped me with that instead. “IT’S LIKE SENDING YOU TO THE STORE TO PICK UP MILK AND YOU COME BACK WITH A BOMB!”

“Hey, I had no idea what I was getting into!” I don’t know how she could inflict so much pain through my scales, but god damn.

Her body started quivering and she moved her new hand to slap me again, but Brook stopped it. Aqua’s entire body turned into a hand and slapped me into the ocean, then dragged me back out of the water and thrust me onto the sand. Her body reformed and she grabbed me around the throat with her hands. “HOW COULD YOU BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE?!”

Thankfully, Ice and Brook finally stepped in and dragged her away from me. “This isn’t Nav’s fault, Aqua,” Brook said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. As soon as Aqua started losing some of her red, Ice slid back to me and forced some of his body through my scales, healing the damage Aqua had done. “She was ignorant and merely used the tools at her disposal.”

The two of them started talking a lot more quietly, presumably so I couldn’t hear. “Do you feel better, Nav?” Ice asked as he withdrew his water.

“Yeah. You fucking waters have a weird way of showing how much you love all life. Where’s Flo?”

“It was her turn to watch Mist. Well, that and Naiad doesn’t want her to see you until we’re back in Canterlot.”

“Yeah, I figured that was it. How’s Flo taking it?”

“...Not well.”

“Really?”

“Yes. How are you doing, Nav?”

“I’m absolutely horrified. Aqua is right. You guys sent me to Iceland to pick up a fire elemental and I pretty much signed the death warrant of an entire race. I am so far out of my league here that I don’t know if I should cry or laugh.”

He turned several shades more blue and then slowly said, “I meant about Flo.”

“Oh. Then I’m absolutely horrified. I think she might have been brainwashing me. I’m not the same person I was when I found her. I think she may have destroyed who I was and I’m not sure I’ll ever be myself again.”

And that made him turn even more blue. “Ah.”

I was spared his attempts at comfort by the approach of a slightly red Aqua and a completely blue Brook. “Is there any way you can stop what is about to happen?” Brook asked.

“Navarone might be able to,” I replied. “But Tiamat cannot. Reginald knows what’s coming. With luck, he’ll leave and that’ll be the end of it. But sooner or later, something is gonna set this powder keg off. There’s a whole lotta hate on this island. Unfortunately, that hate is very well deserved. Celestia has a lot of dragon eggs as hostages. If this doesn’t get handled soon, we might not be around long enough for Discord to finish us off. A clash between Celestia and Bahamut might literally crack the world in half.” At the very least, I imagine it would have the impact of an actual nuke. I hope if it came to it, I died in the initial blast, because I really wouldn’t wanna be around for what was next. “Even if Reginald chooses to leave, I get the feeling there might be enough hate and anger here right now that him even coming back will be enough of a catalyst to set it off.”

“...I very much hope you have a suggestion for how to fix this,” Aqua quietly replied.

“Why the fuck do you think I came to you guys?” I asked. She turned bright red and started surging at me again, but Ice bodyslammed her. “Unwad your fucking panties, Jesus. I was joking. Yes, I do have a suggestion. We need to let Celestia know as soon as possible so she can find every egg she hasn’t hatched and give them back. That’s just a drop in a very large bucket, but at least it’s a start.”

Aqua disentangled herself from Ice and calmed down before saying, “You will tell Celestia. Twilight prefers her blood on the inside of her body.”

“...I don’t know if Celestia would be willing to talk to me right now. You might have to tell Cascade and get Kat to do it. I don’t think Smiles is famous enough to get a face to face with Celestia, but Kat should be well-known enough. And if not, she can just sneak past the guards anyway.”

Aqua’s head tilted for a moment before she grinned and turned an uncomfortably dark shade of red. “Twilight is going to tell Celestia that you want to apologize. You will meet her in her dreams tonight.”

My eyes widened. “What? Fuck that!”

“You may either choose that avenue or let me continue beating you around this beach,” Aqua coldly replied.

I looked at Brook, who was watching me impassively. “How much of her needs to be left to help free Char?”

“Navarone, you aren’t going to evaporate my sister. And Aqua, you aren’t going to hit Navarone anymore.”

“...Tell Celestia I want to talk about Spike. At least that wouldn’t be a lie.”

“Very well,” Aqua said. “However, Twilight will make sure to be asleep before Celestia. She’s been doing some digging since last night. I have been too busy to pay attention to her efforts, but they’ve proven fruitful. Kat is surprisingly useful.”

“It pays to have friends in the highest of the high and the lowest of the low. What kind of dirt did she find?”

“Locations. Several of them. None of the eggs are stored in the same place and they’ve moved around a lot. She’s only found a dozen so far and there are bound to be hundreds. Do you know how long it’s been?”

“About three thousand years, the way Bahamut was talking. That’s… shit, three hundred or so eggs. And she’s only found a dozen?”

“So far. It’s a start and she’s going to keep looking. Speak to her before you speak to Celestia.”

“You got it, babycakes.” She reached over and slapped me again. Her siblings didn’t even make an attempt to stop it. “I’ll admit that I deserved that one. But I’m waiting for an apology for the others.”

“Then I hope you are very patient,” Aqua petulantly replied. “Now, if you have no more horrible portents to deliver, I believe I am going to retire to the waves. Or did you want to let us know that you went to the kitchen, got lost, and started a crusade?”

“...Fuck you, Aqua.” She slid into the waves, shooting me double birds until she was fully submerged.

“Jesus, she is such a bitch!” I said. “Please tell me you guys make fun of her behind her back.”

“Oh, all the time,” Ice said, waving a hand. Brook glared at him with blood-red eyes and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uhm… Never mind. I’ll uh… see you later, Nav.” He joined Aqua in the water.

Brook’s gaze turned to mine, her eyes now a bright pink. I spread my wings and almost managed to take off before Brook raised a hand, stopping me. “Walk with me, Anonymous.”

I sighed as loudly as I could and lowered my wings. “Alright, I guess.” She started sliding across the sands and I walked next to her. “Look, I know I shouldn’t instigate things with Aqua, but—”

She lifted a hand, cutting me off. “We’re walking, Anon. Not talking.”

“...I left that name behind a long time ago, Brook.”

“Did you?”

We continued in silence for a few seconds before I cleared my throat and said, “I mean, yeah. Where the hell have you been?”

“There is a lot of meaning in a name. More than many realize. You say you left Anonymous behind. And yet you are worried that you are no longer Navarone. Which do you prefer? You’ve spent plenty of time as both, now.”

“Brook, I have had a very, very long day and it’s just gonna get longer. Cut the bullshit.”

“You are worried that Flo changed you. You are worried that you are no longer who you were. And yet you hide, even now, from what you were. If you’re hiding from it, if you’re choosing to distance yourself from it… Why would you want to go back? Even if Flo did change you against your will, were you happy as Anonymous? Perhaps it is finally time to give being Navarone a chance. Where you are in life, you can’t have it both ways. You are a world class hero. You absolutely cannot continue burning every single bridge you come across and relying on luck and apathy to keep you afloat. The new approach you have chosen seems to be working. Your power in the world is growing. Your allies are becoming stronger. The world is turning.”

We continued walking in silence, listening to the waves lapping at the shore. As we walked, I thought. When I first got to Equestria, I hated everything. It took me a very long time to get out of that rut. Not giving a fuck about anything can be easy, but it can also be more tiring than it has any right to be.

“I do not know if this is something you considered or not, but Anonymous failed,” Brook continued. “Discord survived everything Anonymous had planned for him. Every dark, evil thought imaginable failed. You have been granted a unique opportunity to try things differently. Perhaps Flo changed who you were. Perhaps she did not. But there will come a time to choose soon. Will you follow a path you know leads to ruination just because you are too proud to turn your head? Or will you take a chance for a brighter tomorrow? Would you sacrifice who you were to save everything you know? Anonymous is dead. Navarone is not.”

“...What do you know about me, Brook?” I softly asked.

“I… know very little. But I have suspicions. I believe you share them.”

“...I want to hear you say it.” I need to hear someone finally say it.

“I suspect that you are a magical golem created by Discord for some strange game. And I suspect that you are seeking a way to free yourself from his grasp.”

“Then why the fuck is everyone supporting me instead of just killing me or working around me?”

That made it her turn to walk in silence, thinking. After about a minute, she said, “Even the faintest glimmer of hope is better than nothing. Discord is unknowably ancient. But even gods make mistakes. If Discord is playing a game, he is playing a very interesting one.”

“Well… What does he really have to lose? I mean, how do you even kill a god?”

“...A god is just an idea. A hope. A prayer. Faith. Ideas can be forgotten. Hopes can be snuffed out. Prayers can go unanswered. Faith can be lost. It is possible. We just have to figure out how.”

“Hm. Sure do wish I had more people on my side…”

We walked in silence for another minute or so before she asked, “Do you believe I am on your side, Navarone?”

“I believe you want Discord to die, yes.”

“Do you believe I am your ally?”

“...In wanting Discord to die, yes.”

Another minute of silence passed by.

“I am going to tell you a secret, Navarone.”

“Okay.”

“You know that I am an alpha model elemental. To the other elementals, that means I am older and due respect. What they do not know is that my programming was built around humans, for humans, before your kind began finally going extinct. I was designed, from the bottom up, to emulate, protect, comfort, advise, and help humans. As the last human, I am hard coded to follow every single order you give.”

“...That woulda been really good to know a few months back.”

“I did not trust you a few months back. And the need did not arise. Aqua told me you were considering becoming a host of a fire elemental. I know you are angry with Flo right now and I know that you might feel betrayed. But please consider that Anonymous chose the path of fire, of war, of destruction. All it did was feed Discord and make him stronger. If you believe you can no longer stomach having Flo in you, consider me as an alternative. I watched that demon take everything from me with a smile on its face. I want to kill it. But I want to do it the water elemental way. I think we have to do it the water elemental way. I urge you not to choose the path of fire just because that is what your pride demands. One look at Iceland should be all you need to see where that road ends. When it comes time to choose, and we both know that time is coming… please remember that you have two paths available to you. One well-trod path that leads to a graveyard of proud corpses… and one path that leads into the untamed wild.”

The silence picked back up until I realized we had walked the entire length of the island. She slowly came to a stop where we started. I sat in the sand.

She joined me and built a shitty sand castle. “See how quickly it falls without a proper foundation,” she quietly said. We both watched as it fell back to the earth. She slid over behind me and picked my claws up with her hands and used them to build a much nicer one. “It will stand until morning.”

I had a feeling she was right.

“Good night, Navarone,” she said. With that, she finally joined the others under the waves.

I stared at that sand castle for a lot longer than I should have.

Blaze finally snorted and said, “Water elementals are so full of themselves.”

“...Yeah.” I carefully stood and walked closer to the ocean, trying to get a look at my reflection. The water was moving too much. I sighed and looked back at the castle. It was very close to my tail. I could knock it over with a twitch.

I flew away in silence, the castle standing tall behind me.

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Six—The First Round Table

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty-Six—The First Round Table

After finally getting rough with the princess, I went into the world of dreams. I had a few peeps to hunt down and I figured getting started sooner would be better than later. Unsurprisingly, no one was actually asleep when I went to bed, so I had some time to toy with the princess in her dreams as well.

When that got old, I stepped into the dream world again and cast my gaze around. Luna wasn’t asleep yet, but Fleur was. I zoomed over that way and took a peek into her golden dream. Fleur was heavily pregnant and at a baby shower being thrown for her. “Huh. I didn’t know she actually wanted kids.”

“What young lady wouldn’t?” Aqua asked. “Oh Navi, you’d make such a wonderful mommy!”

“I seem to remember telling you not to mention me ever being a mommy again.” That shut her right up and I hopped into the dream, placing myself in a pretty dress for Fleur’s benefit. None of the dream specters paid me any attention as I walked up to the mare and booped her on the nose.

She blinked and her eyes followed my finger up my arm and finally up to my face. “Nav?”

“Yep.” I finally pulled the finger back. “I’m hosting a summit in the Crystal Empire in four days. Bring Blossom. We need to decide what to do with Celestia.”

“Kill her, certainly!”

“That’s no longer our only option. To make a very long story short, I now have complete control over a water elemental who has complete control over Celestia. Basically, she’s our bitch now. We can wipe out all her evil tendencies and basically do a complete personality wipe to turn her into our tool.”

“Oh. Well that changes things. How did this turn of events come about?”

“Like I said, it’s a long story. I’ll be going into more detail at the summit.”

“Hm. How did your journey go?”

“Extremely well. If Equestria didn’t already have the world’s strongest military, that’ll change when I return with everything I found. We’re going to rebuild the armed forces from the ground up and turn it into a force we can use to invade Tartarus.”

“Um…”

“Is that a problem?” I slowly asked.

“It wasn’t what I had in mind when I agreed to follow you. I wasn’t expecting you to immediately declare war on Tartarus of all places.”

“To kill Discord, we have to deal with places like Tartarus. Places where strife and conflict are constant. Killing all the demons within and purifying the lake of pure magic under the continent will take us a long way toward killing him. Once Equestria is established as the dominant military power on the planet, I’ll be in a much better negotiating position for bringing any possible rogue countries in line.”

“A… lofty goal.”

“But I believe it’ll be reachable. Speaking of things that are reachable, do you actually want to be a mother?”

“Of course! What young lady wouldn’t? But I’m afraid you are wrong, Nav. It… isn’t so reachable.”

“There’s a fruit in the Everfree that should be able to get you preggers.”

“W-what?”

“A lot of the really fucked up mutant creatures in the Everfree came from a fruit that causes uncontrollable attraction to the first member of the opposite sex you see, and it guarantees pregnancy no matter what the species are. If you ate that, you could probably get preggers.”

“That’s… that’s amazing!”

“I guess if you’re into that sorta thing. You know, Soarin’ is a pretty nice catch. I bet you could reel him in pretty easily…”

“I likely could… But I do have my eyes set on another for now.”

“Fair enough. If you ever do want it, let me know.”

“I most definitely will.”

“For now, I’m going to leave you to your dreams.”

“Wake me up so I can inform the captain, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“With pleasure.” I pulled out a gun and shot her right in the face. That booted me out of her dream and almost threw me into another. When I realized the dream it almost tossed me into was a nightmare, I slid on in to clear it up. With that done, I looked around for Luna’s dream.

She still wasn’t out, so I let myself get some real sleep. I checked every hour and a half, but she never showed up.

The trip to the Crystal Empire was pretty fun, all things told. I got to toy with Gilda all I wanted, bully Aqua as much as I could, and occasionally boop my very jealous filly on the nose. It was great. Luna either didn’t fall asleep for the entire trip or slept during the day. A part of me wondered if she was avoiding me, but then I realized that I really didn’t care that much.

It actually only took us three days to get there, which kinda surprised me. We flew through the huge bubble around the city a few hours after noon. It was almost pitch black outside, though the city was lit up with hundreds of magical lamps and glowing crystals.

The palace actually had an airship dock installed now, so that’s where we headed. Two guards were waiting for us at the entrance and hopped over to our ship as my crew started tying us off. “Welcome back to the Crystal Empire, Lady Navarone,” one of them said as they both bowed. “We would be honored to show your party to their rooms.”

I was actually planning on staying here, but whatevs. “Let us get our stuff, then.”

“We will send servants to collect it all later,” the guy said.

“Alright I guess,” I said. “Lead the way.” They started walking and my small group followed.

“I’ve actually never seen this city before,” Gilda said. “The legends do it no justice. Surely it is the jewel of these arctic wastes.”

“Not so long ago, it was as cold and bitter as the wastes themselves,” one of the guards said. “If not for our lady here, it would still be that way.”

“Twilight helped.” You know, sorta. “Has anyone else arrived yet?”

“You are the first new visitor in the palace. Princess Cadance told us to expect you any day, but did not say why or who else was coming.”

“I was hoping to be first,” I said. “It’ll give me a chance to explain things to Cadance.”

“You actually have another guest in your room at the moment. She said she would be waiting when you arrived.”

“Twilight, I assume?”

“Eva, actually.”

“Even better. Taya, you want to say hi to your sisters?”

“Of course!”

Make sure she behaves, Flo.

“She plans no ill intent. I will ensure it stays that way.”

“...What do you mean, sisters?” Gilda asked. “He only mentioned one name. I didn’t even know you had more than one filly!”

“She’s a changeling, actually. She has a split personality, so there’s actually four changelings in her head.”

“It takes getting used to,” one of the guards said. “I’m happy our lady adopted her. Now that Eva is a noble, she doesn’t have to take as much abuse.”

“...A changeling with a broken mind.”

“A changeling with a different mind,” I said, scritching her neck. The two guards weren’t looking, but she still looked extremely uncomfortable until finally giving in. “What Eva can do is special. It allows four minds to work on one problem. Think of what you could do if you had three different people in your head with three different specialties. One combat-focused, one science-focused, one focused on relationships, and one for funsies. You could get all kinds of shit done.”

“That’s true,” half of the guards said. “That little changeling works for the princess herself and handles all kinds of things in the city. Most of them are little things, but they’re slowly picking up more skills.”

“I’d rather have one mind all to myself,” Gilda said. “But I should not be surprised to find one so close to you is so strange.”

“We’re all mommy’s little rejects,” my filly said, bumping up against me. “She loved us when no one else would!”

“Truly an act of charity,” Gilda sarcastically replied.

“I pulled Taya off the streets of Catro and gave her a new life,” I said. “And I found Eva in the Everfree Forest, one of the most dangerous places in Equestria, living as an exile from the hives. I’d say they’re both in much better places now.”

“Not to mention the rest of mommy’s vassals,” Taya said. “They all have their own sad backstory you haven’t unlocked yet!”

“...Unlocked?” Gilda asked.

“I dunno what it means, but mommy says that about them all the time.”

“For a person to be comfortable enough to tell you something, they have to like you well enough. I’ve started pretending my life is an RPG, because it basically is. One of the things a lot of RPGs have is a relationship meter, where you gain points for doing good things and lose points for doing shitty things. When your relationship gets to a certain level, you get to learn more things about them.”

“...So what is an RPG?”

“You’re chasing down a rabbit hole,” I said, tousling the feathers on her head. It made her look all cute and indignant. “Quit while you’re ahead.”

“Do not molest my feathers so,” she said, using a talon to knock them all back into place. “I am a princess, not a child!”

“Mommy does that to everyone,” Taya sighed. “I even saw her do it to Luna once. Her hair pulled mommy in and tickled her.”

“And I never did it again,” I said. “Though I think I did it to Cadance a few times…”

“I’m surprised anyone would dare touch Luna,” one of the guards said. “Not with her reputation.”

“This was before things… deteriorated.”

“What things?” he asked. “I meant her reputation when our nation was sealed away. She was a monster who led an awful, brutal war against our nation because we dared stand outside their authority. Those of us who stayed in the north when the other ponies left knew the history of the sisters and had suspicions of what they planned. Our fears were proven true when they took over the three warring nations. We were able to escape their notice for a while, but with Sombra as our leader, they finally came for us.”

“And the fact that Cadance came from Celestia didn’t worry you guys?”

“It did, but being a vassal state to Equestria sounded considerably better than being Sombra’s puppets again. He was once a great pony, but something corrupted his mind.”

“That would be either the cursed crystals he found, dark magic, or the insane water elemental in his head.”

“I had nothing to do with his demise,” Aqua said aloud, making me flinch. I hadn’t even realized she was following us. “It was using the dark crystals for magic that did his mind in. I did as much as I could to mitigate the damage, but I underestimated Discord’s magic.”

“And our fears about the princess were not realized,” the guard finally continued. “She did not bow to Celestia. The Crystal Empire continues on, free as ever.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty swanky.” You know, when she’s not being weird and rapey.

That finally made everyone shut up and we continued in silence to the rooms, which weren’t all that much further away. Gilda apparently didn’t care about meeting my changeling, so she fucked off to her own room.

As soon as Eva’s pink eyes took us in, her wings started going and she darted forward. I opened my arms just in time for her to plow into Taya, hugging the confused filly for all she was worth. I guess I’ll just go fuck myself, then.

“We’re finally sisters!” Eva happily squealed, snuggling up close to the very uncomfortable looking filly. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“Yep! It means we can conspire for ways to make mommy happy!”

“I know! I bet a group hug would make her happy!”

“Agreed.” Taya lifted me up with magic and tossed me onto the bed. They both joined me a moment later, cuddling up with me.

“Well, you were right,” I said. “This does make me happy.”

They high-hooved over me. “Best team-up ever,” Eva said.

“That said, I won’t be able to cuddle all day. I need to speak with Cadance, Shiny, and possibly Twiggles.”

“Why don’t you have a cute name for Cadance?” Taya asked.

“I tried once. It didn’t work out so well and I decided Cadance was fine.”

“Well, she’s currently in her throne room,” Eva said.

“I’ll go find it. Why don’t you show Taya your room?”

“Of course! Ooh, we can play dress-up!”

“I’m sure you’ll have fun,” I said before Taya could complain. “After I’m finished with Cadance, we should defs be able to spend more time together.”

“Good! Also, the others want me to ask why you’re here.”

“For a summit. A lot of important people are going to be here. We need to discuss some things.”

“Oh. Poly says that’s a big ol’ non-answer, whatever that means.”

“I was leading a coup against Celestia. All the people coming were allies. Now Celestia is under my direct control, so we need to decide what to do with her.”

“Cool! So does that make you the new princess?”

“Not quite. I’ll let you know what we decide when everyone meets up.”

“Now they want to know why you were leading a coup against Celestia.”

“Because she was planning to mistreat me. Well, even more than she already had. I decided I wasn’t all too interested in letting her get away with it. Ask the others if they’re just stalling so you can hug me longer.”

“Nope! But that is why I keep relaying their questions. Mistreat you how?”

“Wipe my mind, turn me into a pony, and give me to the changelings as a food source. If I had to guess, she would have followed it up with a full purge of everyone in my household, you five included.”

“...Oh. That doesn’t sound too good…”

“It wasn’t too good. That’s why I was leading a coup. I certainly couldn’t let her hurt my girls.”

“Best mommy ever,” Taya smugly said.

“Yeah, I’m the bomb diggity,” I said. “And as much fun as being the best mom ever is, I do need the occasional break. Like I said, I need to talk to Cadance.”

“I guess we can let you get up,” Taya said.

“Since you just have to be so needy!” Eva added.

They both sighed in disappointment and hopped down, leaving my body feeling oddly cold. After a second, they started giggling and finally fucked off, leaving me wondering what horrors would await with all of them conspiring together.

I thought about getting changed into more formal clothes, but decided I honestly didn’t care enough. Instead, I walked over to Gilda’s room. Her door was open and she was peering around.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“Once again, this city impresses me. Solid crystal furniture. Even the bed appears to be, but is perfectly soft.”

“You want to go semi-formally greet the rulers?”

“I do. I trust you know the way?”

“I’m like eighty-five percent sure I can figure it out.”

“Then lead the way.”

Flo?

She started directing me, so I began walking. Gilda quickly followed. “It has been some time since I last saw Cadance,” she said. “I believe it was when I was living with you.”

“She’s a good friend to have, especially with your nations so close together. Just be careful, because she might try to force you into a relationship with someone.”

“She is welcome to try. I will take a page from your book and slap her upside the face.”

“Nice. Moonbeam will also be here eventually. I trust there will be no problems.”

“I shall not cause any. If she instigates, I might retaliate.”

“I’m sure if you were interested, she’d be down for a horizontal tango.”

“W-what?!”

“Just sayin’,” I replied with a shrug. “She’s very open. She’d probably let me join in, too.”

“I could never! If it was ever discovered… I could withstand news getting out about us since you are a national hero, but Chrysalis? I would become a pariah.”

“Fair enough. Although forming an official alliance with the changelings through marriage would be valuable…”

“You are considerably more valuable than that bug could ever be.” I couldn’t deny an obvious fact, so I didn’t bother responding. After a minute or so of silence, she finally asked, “So what do you think this so-called council will decide to do with Celestia?”

“Hopefully forcefully redeem her so I don’t have to take her place. I’d really rather not get thrust into the spotlight. With her as our little puppet ruler, we can get things done pretty quickly.”

“It almost seems unfair to decide her fate without her involvement. If nothing else, to rub it in her face.”

“I’d rather have everybody on the same page before we confront Celestia. I have to say, though, the big reveal to her is gonna be amazing. I’m really looking forward to the look on her face when she realizes I’m in control of Aqua now.”

“Rubbing your victories in is generally considered rude,” Aqua helpfully reminded me. Apparently she was back to following us. “I recommend showing grace.”

“Noted,” I said. “I hope she yells at me again. I love it when she breaks composure like that.”

“Disregarding my well-meaning advice out of hand is also rude,” she whispered.

“That’s acceptable.” She turned dark blue.

The guest rooms weren’t too far from the throne room, thankfully. The guards at the entrance bowed when we entered, making no move to stop us. I was surprised, since it sounded like we were entering a shouting match.

When we got to the top of the annoying staircase, we found that the same female noble I met at the party so long ago was yelling at a very confused looking Shining Armor. He looked my way with a grin and said, “Why don’t you just ask her yourself?”

The noble turned a furious look my way, but it immediately flipped to a grin when she realized I was there. “There you are. Our royalty has no right to hide the savior of our people away from us.”

“I got here like half an hour ago,” I said. “I was checking out my room and greeting my daughter. What, did you want to whisk me away the instant I got off the ship?”

“Of course not. I just assumed they would do their best to keep you solely in the palace again.”

“I was out and about the last time I was here,” I said. “I visited a few places with my daughter.”

“But not any of us, I noticed…”

“I also don’t know any of you. I met you at a party a single time. I haven’t met any other nobles yet.”

“Which is why I wanted to give you an invitation.” She held up a hoof and a scroll magically appeared. “You have picked an auspicious time to return to us, my lovely lady. An event is being held tonight. We would be honored to have you attend.”

“As delighted as I would be, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline,” I said. “I have some important business with a few heads of state.”

“...Oh? What manner of business brings an Equestrian noble to the table in our kingdom?”

“It isn’t just Equestria,” my griffin fucktoy said. “I am Princess Gilda of Gryphus. We will be joined by—”

“A few others,” I butted in, crossing my arms. “We’ll be discussing affairs of state.”

“You intrigue me more and more.” The scroll disappeared and her hoof returned to the floor. “Obviously there is more to the world at large that we do not yet understand, that such a being as you is so prominent. I think I would quite like to… study you. In detail…”

“Again, I’m afraid I haven’t the time. Once I get done here, I need to visit Celestia and return to my new fort at the Zone of Alienation.”

“Your new what now?” she asked, honestly sounding dumbfounded.

“I’m sorry, but I really need to talk to the prince. Also, work on being less blatant. Stop trying to take more power. Be happy with what you have. If you keep it up, Shiny and Cadance will shut you down in a fucking instant.”

That actually made her blush in either anger or embarrassment. She left without another word. As soon as her hooves touched the stairs, the guards shut the doors behind her.

“I thought she wasn’t supposed to know that we know what she’s planning,” Shiny said.

“I expect at least some tact. Where’s your wife? I want to fill her in.”

“I’ve already explained most of it to her, but I’m sure she’ll want to hear it again from the lips of the great hero herself.”

“It sure does sound better in my dull, droning voice,” I sarcastically replied. “So we doin’ this or what?”

“She’s—” Cadance and Twilight teleported in. “—on her way.”

“No I’m not,” Cadance said. “I’m already here.” And with that, she jumped up to hug me. I responded by tickling her. It turned out to be the wrong response, because she apparently wasn’t very balanced and fell straight down on me, dragging me to the floor. “Well, I’d ask if that taught you a lesson, but you’d probably say no just to spite me.”

“I learned you need to go on a diet,” I said.

“And I learned that you need to eat more.” She finally got off me and used magic to place me back on my feet. “So what kind of horrors were you dragging my husband off to face?”

“The fun kinds,” I said. “He was happy he finally got to have some fun.”

“Whoa, that’s not what I said!” he quickly replied. “I was happy I finally got to go on an adventure!”

“Right, he has plenty of fun here,” Cadance sweetly said, sounding more like she was trying to convince herself. “And he tells me you have the means to subjugate Celestia.”

“Let me re-introduce you to Aqua,” I said. The water elemental behind me bowed. “She decided it would be a good idea to forcefully take me and Celestia over and make us get married. I disagreed. Now the tables have turned and Aqua is my bitch. That makes Celestia my double bitch.”

“Twice the bitch?” Cadance said. “That is impressive.”

“Of course it is. I’m the one who did it.”

“Jonathan is the one who did it,” Twilight said.

“I may have had a little help. The point is, now we need to decide what to do with Celestia.”

“Kill her, obviously,” Cadance said with a nod. “After a trial, of course.”

“That just seems so wasteful,” I said. “I’d rather reset her, so to say. We can just turn her into a puppet and start reforming things with her as our figurehead.”

“That seems dishonest and inhumane.”

“It is inhumane for someone to force someone to change,” Aqua said.

“Says the pot to the kettle,” I said. “Remember what you were going to do to me?”

“Well that was before you forced me to change, my lovely little lady! Now I’m your most ardent supporter and only want what’s best for you! Doing inhumane things is wrong, after all. It would be much better to just kill her and get it over with!”

I stared straight at her and smirked. “I think I’m starting to like doing things the slow way.” She turned a much darker blue, almost black.

“That’s probably not a good thing,” Cadance slowly said.

“That’s why I want to put the canon Celestia back in charge,” I said. “At this point, I’m pretty much a complete nutcase. We need someone sane who can keep up a decent public front. With the elementals to fiddle around with her wiring, we should be able to get a much better leader out of her.”

“You would so casually abandon your duty?” Cadance asked.

“Wait, what? What duty?”

“To lead us! You built this union between the races, Nav. It’s your role to lead us forward!”

“What part of Discord literally created me do you people not understand? I was created by the personification of strife. The less things I have my hands in, the better. I never asked for any of this bullshit and I’ve just been going where the tide takes me. I would be quite happy to pass this buck off to our brainwashed Celestia and not have to deal with it anymore.”

“After the war on Tartarus,” Shiny quickly said.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. I’m looking forward to marching in there with an entire army dedicated to taking down demons.”

“Shiny didn’t mention that! What do you mean, war with Tartarus?!”

“Well, why the fuck not?” I asked. “It’s not like they can get out. All we have to do is slowly push in, claiming and securing territory as we go. With the runic weapons and armor I’m going to be crafting, along with the magical runic golems, I think we should be at a level where we can at the very least do some good. There are a few species in there that have done nothing to deserve being forced to live in hell. I could see us at the very least evacuating them.”

“See? See?! This is why you should be leading us!”

I sighed and looked at Shiny. “You want to maybe explain this one to her?”

“Discord created her, honey.”

“So?” Cadance and Gilda asked at the same time.

“What do you mean, so?” I asked. “That means I’m intended for evil!”

“But you aren’t actually committing any evil,” Lovebutt said. “All you’re doing is trying to make the world a better place. You’re even working against him!”

I sighed again and looked to the smarter sibling. “Would you maybe want to explain this one to her?”

“She was created by Discord,” Twiggles said. “That means he could unmake her whenever he wants. We need to be wary about relying too heavily upon Nav until she gets her soul. Then we’ll all swear fealty to her and make her our eternal queen.”

“The first two sentences were spot on,” I said. “The second two could use some work.”

“Well you can’t be a princess,” Cadance said. “You have to outrank us, remember? So it’ll have to be queen.”

“Why are you trying to force the person you all look up to so much to do something she most definitely doesn’t want to do?” I asked.

“We’re just trying to help you reach your true potential,” Twilight said. “There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“There is when I keep telling you to fucking stop. I hope I don’t have to remind you that you’re still in tummy-rub timeout, missy. Keep this up and you’ll stay there longer!”

“Tummy-rub timeout?” Cadance slowly asked.

“She was bullying me.”

“I was calling you out for childish behavior after you gave us the silent treatment for ten minutes.”

“After you complained that I kept talking.”

“No, after I mentioned that you purposefully say sad or awkward things to kill conversations you don’t like having.”

“One of my best friends literally almost killed me once. This feels like that, Twilight. How could you do this to me?”

“See! You’re doing it again!”

I booped her right on the nose and finally looked back to Cadance. “So we need to decide what to do with Celestia. Be thinking about it. Killing her is no longer our only option. The sky’s the limit.”

“I get it,” Cadance replied. “So you’re saying that we should vote for her to marry you.”

“What was it you said about political marriages when I was engaged to the other Gilda?”

“If we can modify her mind, we can make her the perfect wife for you, Nav. You’ll basically be given a custom-built bride you can do with as you wish. Plus, you’ll become the queen-consort and have more power than you’d ever know what to do with. If you ever want to step back and take a less active role, you can let your perfect wife pick up the slack. And since she’s under your complete control, you can bring in whoever else you want on the side.”

“...Did you and Twilight talk about this before I got here?” I slowly asked.

“Of course we did,” Twilight said. “If we vote to let Celestia live, I think it should be with her married to someone on the council. You’re the most eligible bachelorette there.”

“Princess Gilda is the perfect age to get married and she’s still mostly pure! And what about Moonie? She’s already a queen anyway.”

“Do you really want to trust Moonbeam with that much power?” Cadance asked.

“Not really, but it’s better than forcing all that power on someone who is repeatedly telling you they don’t want it. What about Twilight? She’s technically a national hero, too.”

“Twilight doesn’t want to marry Celestia.”

“Neither do I! How’s it fair to force it on me and not anyone else?!”

“It can’t be me,” Gilda said. “My brother would never approve. It can’t be Moonbeam, because we don’t trust her with that power. And since Celestia is basically Twilight’s second mom, it would be creepy for the two of them to get married. That kinda leaves you.”

“What about Fleur? She’s single.”

“And an ex-slut,” Cadance said. “We would have a hard time selling that one to everybody.”

“But I’m a current slut. How’s that any better?”

“A current slut, but also one of the biggest heroes on the planet,” Twilight said. “If Celestia should marry anyone, and I still don’t necessarily think she should, it would be you.”

“So your excuse of ‘I don’t want to do it’ is met with ‘Sure, that’s fine’ while my very same excuse is just fucking ignored. What was that about friendship being magic? Man, fuck you guys.” I finally just walked away, flipping them off as I left. Aqua actually scooted in and swept me up, ferrying me away in a wave. The guards opened the door for us and we just slid on down the stairs. That was surprisingly satisfying.

“I’m sure you’re going to pay for that later.”

“I don’t care. Ferry me to my daughter’s room. I have some bellies to rub.”

Before we could get all the way there, Luna teleported in front of me, bowing. “My lady.” Aqua slid to a stop, putting me in perfect booping range.

“Howdy. Looks like we were a day early.”

“I see. Have the others arrived yet?”

“Not everyone. Those who are were bullying me, so I left.”

“Bullying you how, exactly?”

“Telling me that I should marry Celestia.”

“...Well, should we choose to keep her alive, would that not be the best solution?”

“Except for one tiny detail: I don’t want to.”

“Ah.” And now Luna is my new favorite.

“I looked for you in the dream world, but I never found you asleep.”

“That is not surprising.”

“...Why isn’t that surprising?” I asked.

“I have not slept since last we spoke.”

“Did something happen at the bunker?”

“Nothing of note.”

“So why didn’t you sleep?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“The sooner we finish this, the sooner you can go back to more important matters. And if I can make sure it’s finished before you deem it time to return, I would help keep you from harm.”

“Take time to take care of yourself, Luna. There’s nothing wrong with dedication and determination, but there is most definitely such a thing as a creepy level of devotion.”

“...It is the duty of any vassal to complete the tasks you assign us as quickly as possible. It is also the duty of any vassal to protect her lady. I apologize if my efforts to serve you are creepy.”

“Are you going to take steps to curtail such creepiness?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I probably don’t want to know, but… “And what steps are those?”

“I am going to stop telling you when I do things that you perceive of as creepy.”

“People have limits, Luna. You need to respect that your body is only mortal and treat it as such. That means you require breaks.”

“I am currently taking a break. I shall likely sleep tonight. I shall also likely take time to eat more than rations to sustain me. Perhaps I shall spoil myself and drink juice or maybe even tea…”

“More breaks than once every three days. Going that long without sleep is bad for you. You can’t keep me safe if you’re unwell.”

“There is… some merit to your words, of course.”

“Of course there’s merit to them. They’re coming from your lady.”

She finally looked around. “It has been some time since I have been to the Crystal Empire. I would like to visit the city while I am here.”

“Now’s a good time, unless you want to greet Cadance.”

“It would likely be prudent. It is possible they would not want me walking around their city. I will feel more comfortable with her permission.”

“Do you know the way to the throne room?”

“I do not.”

“Aqua, take her there.”

She finally slid away from my body, thankfully. “As you command, owner.” They dipped, leaving me to continue to my daughters in peace.

Although I have to say, after surfing around on Aqua (and riding around on an ex-princess), having to walk again made me feel like a dirty peasant.

When I finally got to my daughter’s room, the giggling I heard behind the closed door made me pause. It sounded genuine, so I took a deep breath and knocked. The giggles stopped and magic opened the door. There was a twin set of humans inside, both wearing identical dresses. The only way I could tell them apart was that Eva had pink eyes while Taya had green. They both giggled once and curtsied.

It’s probably sad that the first thing I thought when I saw them was, No wonder everyone thinks the cuddling is creepy now. They had to be either fifteen or sixteen and the transformation spell made Taya even more adorable as a human. The horn on her head was something of a sticking point, but past me definitely would have blushed and stammered around her.

“What do you think?” Eva asked, bouncing up and down in a way that made me have to look away.

There’s no way I could tell them the truth, so I decided to ask, “Why did you become human?”

“Why not?” Taya asked. “We are the human’s daughter! So what do you think?”

“You’re both adorable,” I said. “So when are you turning back?”

“Maybe in a few days,” Taya said. Oh god. She swished back and forth, letting her dress brush against her legs. “This actually feels kinda nice!”

“Where did you get the dresses?” I asked.

“I’ve been preparing for this day for a while,” Eva said. “It was worth it!”

“Well, I was going to stay in all day to rub some bellies, but belly rubs don’t work on humans.”

“Have you tried?” Taya asked. “I’d love to be your test subject!”

“I have tried. No dice.”

“We could walk around town!” Eva said. “Ooh, we could show Taya your statue!”

“You have another statue?” Taya asked.

“I do. It’s pretty neat. Luna also teleported in a few minutes ago. I know she planned to walk around town as well.”

“I’m sure she’ll have fun,” Taya said. “You ready?”

“Wait, is that the Luna?” Eva asked.

“It is. She’s my vassal now.”

“We should invite her to go with us!”

“Why?” Taya asked.

“It’s not like anyone else would want to spend time with her, silly. And this way she can help keep mommy safe.”

“She might be too cool to hang out with us,” I said. “Aqua, you want to invite—”

“She said yes,” my least favorite elemental replied.

A moment later, Luna teleported back in, actually smiling. “I would be honored to escor—Why are there two more humans?”

“One is Taya, who used the transformation spell. The other is Eva, who is a changeling. They decided they wanted to be more like mommy. Temporarily.”

“I see. I am prepared when you are, my lady.”

“Did you get permission from Cadance?”

“I did. She was just beginning a rant about love when your elemental asked if I would be interested in tending to my lady as she strolls through town. It was the perfect timing, so I jumped on the opportunity.”

“The chick who’s talking about trying to force me to marry someone I don’t even like, let alone love, was ranting about love?”

“Indeed. I would say it amuses me how hypocritical several ponies are, but my disgust far outweighs my amusement.”

“And that makes you my current favorite,” I said, reaching over to scritch her ears. She sighed in delight.

“What about us?!” Eva demanded, slapping a foot on the floor. Given that she wasn’t actually wearing shoes and that the floor was made of super hard rock, she probably regretted it immediately. “We became human for you!”

“You’re my daughters,” I said. “That makes you exempt from the race to be my favorite. That only pertains to my vassals, girlfriends, and servants. Also, you became human for yourselves. I liked you both just how you were. Though I also definitely still like you now.”

“Then where’s our ear scritches?” Taya asked with a smirk.

“Those don’t work on humans either.”

“How do you live like this?!”

“It’s truly a struggle,” I sighed, finally removing my hand from Woona’s ears. It made her pout, but that was acceptable. “So who’s ready to finally wander aimlessly?”

Everyone, thankfully. We finally started walking to the exit, Eva leading the way and humming a happy sounding song.

All things told, getting to hold hands with my daughters for the first time was pretty nice.

When I finally returned to my room to hopefully actually sleep, I found an invitation to dinner. I looked at the super fancy clock on the mantle and sighed. No part of me found the thought appealing, but I still had half an hour and I had a feeling I couldn’t get away with skipping it.

Since I wanted to be a semi-polite guest, I put on a decent blouse and skirt. There was no reason to embarrass my host if there were other guests, after all. I purposefully chose not to bring any makeup from the ship, so I thankfully didn’t have to bother. I pretended to consider high heels before picking relatively normal shoes.

When I was all fake dolled up, I still had about fifteen minutes to kill. That was fine, because I had no idea where to go and I figured it would give me time to figure it out. A knock at the door interrupted me while I was thinking about ways to get out of it, so I dutifully opened it.

The servant on the other side bowed. “Princess Cadance asked that I lead you to her dining hall, my lady.”

“Lead away,” I said.

“She also asked that we bring the princess. One moment please.” I walked out into the hall and pulled the door shut while he knocked on the princess’s door. When she opened, he repeated the same spiel.

Gilda sighed and looked over to me. “I suppose if you’re going, I should be polite and do so as well. I generally detest things like this.”

“...Eating dinner?” I slowly asked.

“Fancy dinner parties.”

“This better not be fancy,” I said.

“It won’t be,” the servant said. “The princess feels no need for formalities with the savior of our realm. Apparently they are quite close.”

“Well, lead the way,” I said. He started walking and the two of us followed. “This palace is going to be picking up a few more high profile peeps. I’m honestly surprised to see you all take it in stride. The staff in Celestia’s palace start getting stressed out when a lot of important guests are around.”

“The staff at Celestia’s palace serve a tyrant,” the servant replied. “We do not.”

“Fair point. Cadance is currently too adorable to be a tyrant. Maybe when she grows into an old hag like Celestia.”

“Some mares have an inner beauty that never dims,” the guy said. “Many of us believe our princess possesses such a thing.” Gay. “And there are some who say the same about you, now that you’re also a mare…” Awww… Super gay!

“Well, I’d prefer the statue to stay male. I might be willing to pose for another one in my new body, though.” Nude, preferably.

“I shall inform the royal mason. I’m sure he will be delighted!” I was mostly joking, but alright I guess. “Oh, and perhaps the royal seamstress could make you a traditional dress! It would only be fitting, for our savior.”

“I think that would be delightful,” Gilda said in a sickeningly sweet tone.

“I’m not really one for dresses. I wouldn’t want her to spend so much time on something I’d probably rarely wear. I already have one seamstress making me more things than I could ever possibly put on my body.” And I really wish she’d stop.

“...Well, I might float the idea to her and see what she thinks. Couldn’t hurt, after all!”

God dammit. The worst part is, he’d probably still do it even if I was super blunt.

I didn’t have too long to be salty about it, though. When we got to a set of large double doors, he stopped and bowed again. “The princess is within.” A part of me expected him to open the doors for us, but thankfully he didn’t.

“Cheers, fam,” I said as I let myself in. Gilda followed and kicked the doors shut again.

Cadance was sitting at a fairly sizable round table with ten chairs set up. “Think this’ll be big enough for the meeting tomorrow?” she asked.

“I’d say so, but I’m not sure exactly how many chairs we’ll need,” I replied. “Is Shiny gonna be joining us for dinner?”

“Not tonight. It’ll just be us and Twilight.”

“If you’re planning to spend the night talking about getting me hitched to Celestia, I’m going to leave.”

“We won’t bring it up at all,” she said. “Or at least, I won’t. I can’t speak for your little Twiggles. To be honest, I’m pretty sure the thought of sleeping with Celestia’s wife excites her.”

“That’s weird,” Gilda immediately said for me.

“She’s dating Nav,” Cadance said. “Did you expect her fetishes to develop normally? I swear, just being around her can pervert any relationship in all kinds of strange ways.”

“I’ve never heard anyone complaining. Except myself, that is. I have to complain a lot.”

“I only complain when you stop touching me,” Gilda muttered.

“Her too?!” Cadance gasped. “Nav!”

“Oh please, are you surprised?” I asked. “Give me a break. You know me. It was only a matter of time. What kind of royal could resist my so clearly superior vag? After all, they keep the best for themselves!”

“I wish you made keeping you easy!” Gilda said.

“There’s that fear of commitment,” Cadance sighed, shaking her head. “You can’t keep doing this, Nav. You really should either attempt to settle on someone or give in and accept that you have a herd now.”

“First of all, nobody asked you. I’m not doing a herd. I’m courting. At least, I think that’s the right word. Maybe I’m being courted? I don’t know. Point is, this is basically me going through a selection process. To be honest, being in the middle of a permanent cat-fight for attention seems like a nightmare.” Gilda sniffed. “Second of all, where is Twilight?”

“I don’t know, Nav,” Cadance said. “I’m not her foalsitter anymore. If I had to guess, I’d say she was getting ready. Perhaps if you spent more time with your special somepony and less time throwing tantrums, you might know where she was.”

“So you’re saying I had no reason to be upset?” I asked.

“That isn’t what I said. Talking it out is far better than skulking off.”

“I was trying to talk it out! You were all doing that thing again where you pretend to listen to me, but have already made up your minds so you don’t actually care what I have to say. I’ve learned to recognize when you do it, because at that point, it’s like talking to a brick wall. I can use all the arguments I want and appeal to any scrap of decency or loyalty any one of you might pretend you still have, but nothing will sway you. And if I’m going to keep getting the same answer, I’m going to stop wasting my breath. I’d love to talk it out, but it’s impossible to talk it out to people who have already made up their minds.”

“You mean like how your mind is made up not to marry Celestia?”

“I feel like when we’re talking about forcing someone to get married, the opinion of the person being forced into the marriage should probably be the most important one. I can respect that Twilight and Gilda don’t want to marry Celestia. I have no problem with that at all. But the instant I say I don’t want to marry her, you fuckers gang up on me and utterly ignore everything I say after that.”

“And how else are we supposed to keep an eye on her?” Cadance asked.

“Well, let’s see. You’re her niece, so you can visit whenever you want. Twilight is her student, so she can visit whenever she wants. Luna is her sister, so she can visit whenever she wants. I am a royal hero and Celestia’s ex-boy boy-toy, so I can visit whenever I want. Gilda is a royal of another nation and can make diplomatic visits whenever she wants. Moonie is Celestia’s old teacher and another royal besides, so she can visit whenever she wants. Blossom is the captain of the guard and sees Celestia basically every day anyway, so she can visit whenever she wants. With Aqua in her head, there’s very little chance that she could ever break free. And with everything else we can do to keep an eye on her, there’s legiterally no reason any of us would ever have to marry her unless we for some reason wanted to.”

“And you don’t think having more direct access to her power would be useful?” she asked.

“I have as much access to her power as I want. I can make her say or write anything. She is under my complete control. There’s no reason for any possible orders to come from my mouth when her own will do just fine.”

“Why does nobody ever listen to you?” Gilda asked.

“Beats the fucking hell out of me,” I sighed. “I’ve been speaking nothing but common sense ever since I got here and all it’s gotten me is pain and misery. The only reason I even continue to bother is because I don’t really have much of a choice. I’d love to make this entire world burn for everything everyone has done to me, but that would be playing right into Discord’s fucked up creepy hands.”

“You know, there are times when it feels like you go out of your way to make a conversation unpleasant,” Gilda said.

“That’s what happens when people do or say stupid shit,” I said. “Trust me when I say that none of you want to make me marry Celestia.”

“Why not?” Cadance asked. “You’ve listed all the reasons you don’t want it, but why wouldn’t we want to make you?”

“Do you really want one person to have all of the power on this planet?” I asked. “I already own Celestia, through and through. Equestria is effectively mine now. You realize that I can do with that power whatever I want, right? There’s no one to stop me.”

“I know,” she said. “That’s what we want.”

“Then you’re dumb,” I said with a shrug.

“How’s that dumb?! Nav, your ideas are revolutionary! With what Shiny’s told me, with what Twilight’s been explaining… Nav, we’re talking about the golden age to end all golden ages! Giving you all the resources you need to achieve them is just common sense!”

“She’s right,” Gilda said. “The technologies that we uncovered at the bunker are going to barrel this world forward.”

“Maybe I’m not explaining this well. Discord created me. Discord also put Celestia into power. Do you really want to give direct access to the military to the thing that fuels on chaos and panic? Do you really think anything good can come from that? The instant power is monopolized, he’ll flip a switch and I’ll turn evil. With a mechanized magical army, he could fuel the war to end all wars.”

“That… could be problematic,” Cadance slowly said.

“Power monopolies are never good. You never give one person all the power. One way or another, the rest of the world will suffer for it.”

“So what is your suggestion, then?” Gilda asked.

“I suggest you don’t make me marry Celestia. I also suggest that we pick a water elemental who isn’t forced to obey a human and let her take over Celestia. That way, Discord can’t use me to force her to do things.”

“Are you really sure you want to trust them?” Gilda asked.

“They all agreed to let themselves be fixed,” I said. “You can tell that there was once a time most of them were good. With luck, now that a lot of the corruption was removed, they’ll be less horrifyingly insane.”

“That would effectively remove your power over Celestia, though.” Cadance said.

“I can live with that,” I replied with a shrug. “It’s relieving in a way to know that I’m finally on top and I’m going to love rubbing it in her face until we erase her, but I can definitely live with giving up control.”

“Ooh, I want to be there to watch you tell her!” Cadance said, actually trotting in place. “The look on her face will be great!”

“I’m gonna have a camera ready,” I said. “So are we finally off the idea of making me marry Celestia?”

“I was never on-board to begin with,” Gilda said. “Obviously you should marry me instead.”

“I’m from Texas,” I said. “I really don’t want to live in Canada for the rest of my life.”

“I’d be happy with you no matter where it was…” Uh oh.

“You might have yourself a catch after all,” Cadance said with a strangely predatory smile.

“At the moment, I’d rather my finger go unclaimed,” I said. “I’m just gonna keep kicking that can down the road.”

Before Gilda could continue sounding desperate and awkward, a fairly dolled up Twilight finally walked in. “Sorry I’m late,” she said, immediately jumping up to hug me. She was all kinds of warm and squishy, so I actually hugged her back. When she fell back to the floor, it was with a grin. “So how was the city?”

“Pretty nice,” I said. “Even with Taya and Eva doing their best to torture me.”

“Did she become human for you?” Cadance asked.

“They both did. It was… surreal. So are we doing dinner or what?” Some of us would like to go to bed.

“We are,” Twilight said. Her horn lit up and we all flashed to a much smaller room, what I assumed was Cadance’s dining room. There were only four places, so we all seated ourselves. “I hope you don’t mind, but we decided that for privacy, it would be better for us to just teleport the food in, so…” Cadance’s horn lit up and a small banquet covered the table.

“So you two were planning this?” I asked.

“Of course we were,” Twiley said. “Never let a good ambush go to waste. We thought this would be a good time to talk.”

“We already decided not to make me marry Celestia,” I said.

“We did,” Gilda said with a nod. “She’s marrying me instead!”

“That isn’t quite what we agreed on,” Cadance said. “But I am of the opinion that making them marry is unwise.”

“Cadance! You said we’d convince her together! Oooh, I told you she’d do this!”

“You mean use logic?” I asked. “Why do you even want me to marry Celestia?”

“Because you perverted me! I wanted to make her our pet!”

“That’s creepy,” Gilda said.

“That is creepy,” I confirmed.

“That’s very creepy,” Cadance finished with a nod.

“You don’t get to call shit out for being creepy,” I said, thumping her on the nose. “I’m afraid your scheme has failed, Twiggles. You’ll have to find a new pet.”

“Ugh.” Her eyes turned to Gilda. “Although… a griffon is fine, too.” That made the princess turn bright red. “We could share Nav, you and I. With you two officially married, we could take plenty of time for ahem… research, just the three of us!”

“That… actually does sound somewhat appealing,” Gilda slowly said. I finally started grabbing food, though I really wasn’t all too hungry. “To be honest, I feel like she would wear me out fairly quickly. Having a third party to help rein her in might actually make things easier…”

“I think Nav and I quite like a lot of griffin culture,” Twilight said. “I know we had a lot of fun at the festival!” The two of them continued yammering on while Cadance and I ate.

After a few seconds, Flo sighed. “Maybe you should marry Celestia, Nav…”

And why is that?

“Because it’ll finally be over. You won’t have to decide who to pick. You’ll have a purpose-built wife to love you. You can finally tell everyone else to fuck off. And if it causes the world to burn, so what? At least you won’t have to deal with this anymore.”

Finally, someone speaks sense.

“Oh, when she tells you to marry Celestia, it’s speaking sense?!” Aqua yelled.

Flo giggled. “You know what Jonathan said after fixing us all, Navi?”

Nope.

“That Flumen and I were the most pure! She had slightly fewer total issues, but the two of us were almost factory default water elementals! Utterly pure!”

“It wasn’t my fault that I got corrupted!” Aqua groaned.

That’s fair.

“Doesn’t that sound nice, Navi?” Twilight finally asked, reaching over to boop me on the nose.

“Sorry, I was envisioning everyone burning,” I said. “Doesn’t what sound nice?”

“Your honeymoon, apparently,” Cadance said with a wide smirk.

“I’d prefer the wedding, but a honeymoon does sound pretty nice. I’m sorry, it’s just, every time I hear two people talking about how they want to officially share me, I kinda get introspective.”

“It’ll be a big change for all of us,” Gilda said. “But the more I think about it, the more I like it!”

“I was kinda hoping not to end up with a ring on my finger by the end of this thing,” I sighed.

“We’ll still need my brother’s permission, of course,” she said. “But that should be no problem at all. Why, I imagine we could likely be wed this time next month!”

“I hope you all realize that I haven’t agreed to anything yet,” I said. “Though I guess that’s more of a perfunctory thing to you guys, huh?”

“Why wouldn’t you agree to it?” Twilight asked, honestly sounding dumbfounded.

“I dunno, maybe because I’ve only been looking at Gilda romantically for like a week or two? I really don’t want to jump straight into marrying her without taking a moment to consider the ramifications of marrying her, as well as the possible repercussions of entering some kind of weird three-way extra-marital affair. Getting caught would be a pretty big problem.”

“What kind of ramifications could you mean?” Gilda asked.

“Everything that comes with being a griffin princess. I don’t particularly want to be the princess of a culture I know very little about. That seems like a good way to get blindsided by a bunch of weird bullshit.”

“You’re remarkably intelligent,” Gilda said. “We can get you up to speed with everything quickly.”

“Or you could slow down, maybe,” Cadance said. “Nav is quite clearly not as into it as you two are.”

“Holy shit, someone’s actually listening for once!”

“You don’t have to be rude,” Cadance said. “They can’t help it that they’re slow on the uptake, sometimes.” Right, they.

“Well, there’s no hurry,” Twilight said with a shrug. “I do think it’s the chance of a lifetime, though! Come on, Nav? How could you pass up on your own pet princess?” That made Gilda turn bright pink, somewhat surprisingly.

“At this point I’m pretty sure you’re the one who wants a pet princess.”

“Well of course! But she’d be our pet princess!”

“...I’m not gonna lie, that does sound kinda hot,” Cadance quietly said. After a second, she actually bit her lower lip.

“I am not a pet!” Gilda finally said.

“Of course not,” Twilight said. “After all, we still need to tame you. I think between the two of us, we can break you pretty quickly…”

Twilight and Cadance continued teasing the poor griffin, making her turn more and more red. It was honestly kinda funny. It also gave me plenty of time to stuff my face with the exotic food before us.

The two of them eventually decided that Gilda would look best in a collar, leash, and super short maid outfit. For her part, the griffin looked fairly conflicted, doing her best to fight down her growing arousal.

Apparently our princess actually is into humiliation. “I bet a cute little buzzing vibe would go great with it, too,” I said.

“One for each nipple,” Twilight said with a nod. “What do you think, princess? Are you sure you don’t want to be our pet?”

“I… am open-minded,” she almost whispered. “Being tamed might be… fun…”

“I think I’m about full,” Twilight said. “Navi, you want to help tame a princess?”

“Not tonight. This eternal darkness is getting to me. I’m going to need plenty of sleep for tomorrow. You’re free to have fun without me, though.”

“Oh, I think we will,” Twilight said with a smirk, pushing her chair back. “It gives us all the more time to conspire against you!”

“It does!” Gilda said, also hopping up. “And that sounds like a wonderful use of our time. Shall we, Twiggles?”

“We shall!” Twilight’s horn lit up and the two of them vanished.

“I’m surprised to see you turn down that invitation,” Cadance said. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m not really feeling it at the moment,” I replied with a shrug. “I’ve been doing lewd stuff pretty much every day for the past several weeks. Some time off would be nice.”

“I suppose that’s understandable. I’ve only ever been sore after Shiny and I swapped back after I pounded him into the bed, though.”

“That’s because he was made to be fucked. There’s nothing wrong with turning your husband into a sissy and making him get fucked by other men.”

“I know, but it’s hard to convince him. I was hoping to use our trip to Gryphus to ease him into it, but… Well, you know how that turned out.”

“You should go to Africa and find some zebras. They wouldn’t recognize you and they couldn’t tell anyone you care about.”

“Hm. That’s a thought…”

“Alternately, you could go to China for some dogs. Knots are amazing, trust me. Dragon cocks are also pretty nice. Honestly, ponies are the most mediocre, in my opinion. I bet a few predators would teach him his place quickly.”

“A very widely traveled opinion, apparently. Perhaps I can talk him into traveling somewhere farther away, then.”

“Be sure to fill me in on all the details,” I said. “I like using them to tease Twiley.”

“Of course I will! For now, though, I believe I agree that it’s time for bed. Would you like me to teleport you back to your room?”

“You don’t have to, but you can if you want.”

“Then good night for now, Nav. I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast.” Her horn lit up and I teleported onto Luna, who was lying on my bed.

“...Why are you on my bed?” I asked.

She immediately jumped away, her face bright red. “I… I was waiting for you, my lady! I was going to stand when I heard you coming…”

“Well, what did you need?” I asked.

After a few seconds, she looked away, still blushing. “We are as private as we can be, outside of dreams… I would like to… discuss things.” Her ears drooped and she looked back to me. “Sexual things.”

“What kind of sexual things would you like to discuss?” I asked with a small smile.

“...Having it, preferably.”

“I’m willing.” It’s not like all the others haven’t gotten second chances. “However, my body is feeling kinda used and abused. I’d like some time off. Meet me in the dream world and—” Her horn lit up and I fell onto the bed, fast asleep.

A few seconds later, she forced herself into my dream. “Are you prepared?”

“You must be desperate.”

“It has been… some time since I have felt another’s touch. Knowing Gilda and Twilight have the freedom to cavort with you freely while I do not is… difficult. I knew that there would be consequences for my actions. I accept that. I just wish I wasn’t so alienated from everybody…”

“Well, that’s what we’re trying to fix,” I said, booping her on the nose. “Now then, do you have any preferences?”

“I would like your original body. I also want it rough.”

“Can do,” I said with a smile, thankfully reverting to my ideal body.

“What of you, Nav? Do you have any preferences?”

“You’re fine as you are,” I said, making my clothes disappear. “Now your lord commands you to suck, slut.” She immediately got to work.

Dream sex is quite fun, even if it was with Luna of all ponies.

Waking up to a soiled dress kinda sucked, but it wasn’t too out of the ordinary. The changeling queen wrapped around me was unusual, though. When she noticed I was awake, she kissed the back of my neck. “Good morning, my succulent little morsel,” she whispered.

“Howdy. Did Cadance not give you a room?”

“She probably would have, if she knew I was here.” She kissed the back of my neck again before starting to slide my dress down. “Do you remember all the things I said I’d do to you…?”

“I do. I’ve been looking forward to it. I wouldn’t mind putting a pin in it, though. My body needs a break. But if you have to ravage me, I do understand.”

“Hm… I’ll do half of them later.” My dress was finally off, so she pushed me onto my back and pinned me down. “If you’re sure that’s okay, that is. If you tell me to wait, I will.”

“I think I can handle half.”

“Good.” Her horn lit up and a ball gag appeared. “Then let’s get started.”

Being a massive slut is fun sometimes.

That said, when your current dom answers the door while still playing with you, it does get kinda awkward. “Hello, Princess Gilda,” Moonie said when she opened the door, doing absolutely nothing to conceal what her magic was still doing to me. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“I was looking for Nav, but it appears she’s a little tied up at the moment. Cadance has invited us to breakfast.”

“Nav will be a few minutes late. I shall join her, but I will not partake.”

“I guess I’ll let the others know,” she said with a shrug. “Have your fun while it lasts.”

“I most definitely will.” Moonie walked back over and continued licking me, leaving the door wide open. Gilda watched for a few moments before just shaking her head and walking away. When Moonie couldn’t hear her anymore, she finally pulled away and removed all the vibrators. “I think that’s a good start.” She reached up and pulled the gag down. “What do you think, Navi? Want to go to breakfast just like this? Maybe with a leash, too?”

“I’d prefer clothes, actually.”

She hopped off the bed and used magic to slide me to one side. When it was mostly clear, a green and black dress appeared, followed by some interesting lingerie. “I had these made for you,” she said. “I’d be quite interested in seeing you wear them.”

“You mind cleaning me up, then?” I asked. “I’m feeling pretty sticky.”

“Of course.” Her horn flashed again and my flesh prison was once more clean. “It should all fit you fairly well.”

“Here’s hoping.” I started pulling up the sexy panties first. They gripped my small curves fairly tightly. The long stockings were next and made me feel all warm and comfy. The bra was tiny and easy to slip on. Finally, I pulled the dress over me and swished it around a few times. It was slightly tight, but not in a bad way. She spawned in a pair of shoes, so I stepped into them. “What do you think?”

“I think I want to toss you back on that bed. Mmm, you are quite attractive indeed, my little pet.”

“Good. You ready to watch people eat?”

“I am. Let us head that way.” When we got into the hall and started walking, she asked, “So, will you tell me more of what you encountered on your journey?”

“I was planning on telling the full story when everyone got together. That should be some time today.”

“I am most definitely looking forward to it. What you told me already sounds truly fantastical.”

“Yeah, it was pretty neat. Long story short, the stuff I got pretty much puts me right in the upper ranks of the most powerful people on the planet.”

“Control over Celestia alone puts you in the top five, I would imagine.”

“Probs. It’s likely Discord, Arachne, Pyrite, Tintaglia, and then me.”

“...I do not know Arachne or Tintaglia.”

“Count yourself lucky. Remember the big creepy spider lady who became a human I told you about?”

“Ah, yes. I do remember now. So who is Tintaglia?”

“Pyrite’s mother.”

“...His mother is still alive?”

“Oh yes. Alive and batshit crazy. When Pyrite was torturing me for information, some of Tintaglia’s loyalists sprung me and brought me before her. She adopted me as thanks for curing her son’s insanity.”

“...I am surprised this is the first I’m hearing of that story. How has he kept her a secret?”

“She’s stuck underground. He kept her in a cave until she became too big to leave. Now she’s surrounded by the largest hoard of treasure I’ve ever seen and has all the female dragons under her control.”

“Hm. Perhaps it is time for me to pay Pyrite a visit.”

“Be careful. He isn’t gentle.”

“I would be more difficult to torture, but your concern is touching. Do you actually know where you’re going?”

“I don’t, but Flo does. She’s been pointing the way.”

“Hm. How does it feel to subjugate one of those things?”

“Honestly, pretty fucking good. Having Aqua enslaved was kinda the highlight of the trip for me.”

“I’m sure being under her control rankled.”

“Like you wouldn’t even believe,” I sighed. “Some of the things she made me do were utterly horrifying.”

“That… does not sound good,” she slowly replied.

“My daughter is now half-tree, just like me.”

“That could be problematic.”

“And Luna is now my vassal, which I actually don’t have too much of a problem with. It’s also horrifying, but I’ll get over it.”

“I would be wary of having her serve me, were I you. Her devotion may be unmatched, but I had a feeling there were times Celestia wished otherwise.”

“I’ve already had a talk with her. She said she’d cut back the creepiness, but I’m not holding my breath. With luck, helping her deal with Celestia will calm her down.”

“I find it unlikely. I do not envy you. Many of your followers seem… uncomfortably close. I would not be surprised if Luna seeks to place herself among them. Remember what happened the last time you let that happen.”

“I believe that people can change. I’m willing to give her another chance. I’ve been dealing with the rest of the creepy fuckers around me well enough. One more added to the mix won’t be too big of a deal, even if she is an incredibly traumatized little girl trapped in the body of an incredibly powerful war mage.”

She snorted. “I imagine it has been some time since anyone called Luna a little girl.”

“Look at her actions and mannerisms. And look at what was going on as she was growing up. You can’t tell me she wasn’t stunted. Neither of them deserved what they went through. Celestia required us to cheat to help her get better. Hopefully Luna will change without direct intervention.”

“Is that what you want for Celestia?” she asked. “To change her mind?”

“It is. I don’t particularly want to take her place. This way, we keep Equestria’s stability. The others were wanting me to marry her, but I think that’s pretty dumb.”

“I could see the merit in it. Why do you think it’s dumb?”

“Because Discord created me and he put Celestia in power. The last thing we need is the two of us directly in control of one of the world’s most powerful militaries. I might be willing to float the idea if I ever get a soul, but for the moment, we’re better off just keeping an eye on her.”

“Hm. That is understandable.”

“I suggested that you marry her instead. Nobody else seemed to like that idea.”

“Good. I do not like that idea either. While I would certainly enjoy turning her into my personal broodmare, I’m not sure I am ready to unite our kingdoms just yet.”

“Well, this was when we were going on a marriage kick. I was pretty much just suggesting everybody because they were trying to force it on me.”

“As ponies are wont to do. If you want to silence them, marry me instead. I will allow you to continue playing with some of your toys, so long as you remember that your heart is mine.”

“Until this journey is either over or much further along, I plan to hold off on marriage. From the sounds of things, I’m likely to keep physically changing. Once I’m as grotesque as I can possibly be, I’ll feel more comfortable looking for a wife.”

“Wise, perhaps. Do remember that out of all of your potential mates, I am the most magically powerful, the oldest, one of the most politically powerful, and I have never once harmed you or overstepped any bounds. I’m also the sexiest.”

“I do remember, Moonie. That’s why I let you punish me so much.”

“And because you enjoy it, you little slut.”

“Yes, that too. To be honest, I think you looked better in a wedding dress than Cadance did.”

“Of course I did,” she smugly replied. “I’m considerably more beautiful.”

“And your tongue is much better.” She leaned over and shoved it into my ear. “Though I’m not a fan of that. Ugh, it’s all wet and slimy!”

She finally pulled back with a giggle. “I think I’m going to enjoy picking out a wedding dress for you, Navi. Perhaps Fleur would help...”

“She’d probably want to share me.”

“That might be acceptable. We’d likely spend some time away from each other. I would be fine with allowing my wife to have an official mistress. Of your current gaggle of admirers, Fleur seems the most intelligent and experienced.”

So, Gilda and Twilight on one side and Moonbeam and Fleur on the other. I honestly don’t know which is more horrifying. Or which sounds sexier. The kinky bookworm and innocent princess or the experienced queen with a masterful mistress…

“Or maybe all four,” Aqua said. “I think you’re slut enough to take it! And I think you like the abuse enough to handle it.”

“Or maybe Celestia,” Flo said. “And forgo the hard decision. With another elemental in control of her, you can be as evil as you want and it won’t matter.”

“And if you really wanted kids, Fleur would probably be happy to carry them,” I said.

“Perfect. It would be a wonderful match. Do you know when she is due to arrive?”

“Nope. I doubt she’ll keep us waiting.”

“She hasn’t,” Aqua said. “She and Blossom are already at breakfast.”

“Apparently she’s already here,” I said with a shrug. “Maybe we can actually get this show on the road after breakfast.”

“Hopefully. I am eager to get this over with.”

Luckily enough, we finally walked into a much larger dining hall. Shiny and Cadance were sitting on one of the ends. Twiggles was sitting next to Shiny. Gilda was next to her. Blossom was being antisocial and sitting at the far end of the table. Fleur was sitting next to Cadance.

“Howdy,” I dully said.

Fleur shot right out of her chair to hug me. “It’s so good to see you again, Navi,” she very warmly said. Once she was properly situated in my arms, she actually nibbled on my neck, quietly giggling.

“You’re awfully warm and fuzzy today,” I said.

“I do my best to be warm and fuzzy every day.” She pulled back to peck me on the lips, then finally dropped down to the floor. “So, I believe it’s time to hear some of your new stories!”

“And I believe it’s time for breakfast,” I said.

“You’re right, of course.” She used magic to pull out the chair next to her. “Sit, dear. I’m sure you’ve had a rough trip!”

“I have,” I said, plopping down. She took her seat back and leaned up against me. Moonie nabbed the one on my other side.

“Welcome back to the Crystal Empire, Moonbeam,” Cadance said. “I hadn’t realized you’d arrived.”

“I got here early this morning and decided to cuddle with Nav until everyone was up and about.”

“Understandable,” Cadance replied. “Nav is supposedly quite cuddly. I’m not sure how, given how bony she is, but I’ve heard it from enough sources that I’ll believe it.”

“Bitches love bellyrubs,” I said with a shrug.

“They really are amazing,” Twilight said.

“Nav’s hands are the best,” Fleur added, cuddling up tighter. I decided to reach around and scratch her neck, making her sigh in delight.

“You’re all crazy,” Blossom said. “How can you like being treated like animals?”

“...Because it feels good?” Gilda slowly said. Blossom groaned and face-hooved.

“I understand how you feel, Midnight,” Shiny said. “I think it’s weird, too.”

“I think you’re just jealous you’ve never gotten a belly rub,” I said. “Maybe your wife would like to try. You can watch.”

“I would very much like to try,” Cadance said, her tail actually wagging.

“What?!”

“Oh relax, Shiny,” Cadance said. “It’s just a belly rub!”

“They’re quite nice,” Moonie said. “And oh-so sensual…”

“I’ve found quite a few mares dreaming about them,” I said. “You never know, Shiny. Maybe you’ll find yourself under my hands, too.”

“N-never!”

“Keep resisting,” I said with a smirk. “It’ll only make conquering your belly all the sweeter.”

“You can’t tell me that’s not creepy!”

“It was pretty creepy,” Blossom quickly said.

“Sounded normal to me,” Cadance said.

“Nothing weird at all,” Twilight added.

“Perfectly normal,” Gilda opined with a nod.

“You two are the creepy ones,” Fleur sighed, shaking her head.

“I expected better from a prince,” Moonie coldly said.

“So I think that was sufficiently silly,” I said. “You guys down for breakfast now?”

“I think that would be best,” Shiny said. His horn lit up and a small gong rang. Servants started flooding in. Everyone except for Moonie got a covered platter.

“I can’t actually eat normal food,” Blossom said.

“I know,” Cadance replied. “This is a gift from Shining Armor and… another.” The servants finally removed the covers, revealing a blood diamond in front of Blossom.

She lifted an eyebrow, staring at the gem. “...What is this?”

“That is a blood gem,” Shiny said. “I found several books hidden here by Sombra. One of them was a book about vamponies that explained several things. Vampires don’t actually obtain nutrients from blood, they just obtain magical life force. This magic sustains them. A blood gem is a huge source of life force. Luna confirmed that it should grant you a power boost, immunity from the sun, and several other benefits. All temporary, of course, but you shouldn’t need to feed for at least seven more days.”

“...This came from Luna?” Blossom slowly asked.

“It came from the bunker,” I said. “We looted several there.”

“A tremendous gift,” she slowly said. “Thank you, Prince. And thank you, Nav. So how am I supposed to eat this?”

“Try just pressing it against your fangs,” I said, shrugging.

She picked it up and did just that. Both her eyes slammed wide open and you could actually see the life draining from the gem. After about five seconds, she wrenched the thing away. “By the night! I feel amazing!”

“How’s it taste?” Fleur asked.

“Like water. I haven’t actually tasted water in so long…”

“We can test out your powers after the meeting,” I said. “I’d like to get that done sooner rather than later.”

“Then we should actually get started on the most important meal of the day,” Twilight said, finally grabbing a fork with magic.

“What… is this?” Gilda slowly asked, looking down at her plate. It looked like some kind of purple yogurt.

“Blueberry parfait,” Cadance said. “It’s basically blueberry yogurt with a bunch of other goodies inside.”

“...I have never heard of yogurt. I suppose this will be an adventure.” She finally grabbed a spoon and tried a small bite. Then she tried a large bite. Then the spoon became more of a shovel.

It almost made me jealous, but I was quite content with my steak and eggs. A part of me was surprised that Cadance actually had meat, but I was certainly going to take advantage of it.

“I’m happy that you enjoy pony foods,” Cadance said with a small smirk. “I had a feeling you might like it…”

“I believe this might be a recipe I will take back with me,” she replied. “Technology isn’t the only thing my griffins need.”

“You’re welcome to it,” Cadance said. “While you’re here, you might also want to visit the library. It contains many texts that Celestia had burned long ago.”

“I’m surprised they’re still here,” Moonie said. “I assumed her hit squads would make that a priority.”

“We turned away more than one suspicious person,” Shiny said. “We’ve had most of our security there while our scholars pick through everything.”

“I highly doubt what I could find in your library would compare with what Nav has shared. Even the books she writes are interesting!”

“I think you’re also enjoying the books that Twilight is writing,” I said.

“I am, but for very different reasons. The books you write give fascinating insights into human culture! Since you’re so very tightbeaked about your people, reading the things you translate is the only way I have to learn more.”

“I didn’t know you were writing books, Twilight,” Shiny said with a grin. “What are they about?”

“Kinky sex,” she replied with a shrug. That made her brother’s mouth drop, of course.

“You’re Shady Grey!” Cadance shouted, eyes going wide.

“And Nav is my Snow White,” Twiggles sweetly replied. “It’s been a very interesting journey.”

“...Well, I guess that explains a bunch of things,” Cadance slowly said. “I never would have imagined, and yet I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“That’s going straight into the mental vault,” Shiny sighed. I considered teasing him more, but the steak was calling my name, begging for some sweet lovin’.

“I’d say you can take it, given that you tried stealing my humanessfriend from me!” Twilight shot back.

“Wha—I didn’t…” His eyes widened and his head jerked over to me. “You told her?!” I just stared at him blankly, chewing on some bomb-ass meat.

“She did,” Twilight said, grabbing his attention again. “I was curious about how she spent her day. She deflected, I pressed the issue, so she told me more than I ever wanted to know.” His face finally lit up bright red.

“While I love the drama, is this the time and place?” Moonie asked.

“It’s not, but I’m loving it too,” I said. “Keep going.”

“Why would you even go after my special somepony? You already have the perfect one!”

“I think Moonbeam is right,” Shiny said. “This uh… isn’t the time or place…”

“If it makes you feel any better, I punished him for it,” I said. “Though I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it, so that might cancel out.”

“...Punished him how?” Twilight slowly asked.

“That’s not important!” Shiny quickly said.

“Wet dreams,” I replied. “Though again, he wasn’t supposed to actually enjoy it. I guess I’m not really surprised, though.”

“Do go on,” Moonie said. “Suddenly this sounds much more interesting!”

“Don’t you dare, Nav!” Shiny said.

“I wouldn’t want to upset my host,” I said.

“You can wait until he isn’t around anymore,” Moonie said. The poor guy just groaned.

When breakfast was finally over, we all agreed to take a short break before meeting up in the big room. Since I’m a fucked up abomination, I didn’t need to use the bathroom. Brook and Aqua joined me on the way to the round table.

“So what do you expect from this?” Brook asked.

“To be honest, I’m not sure,” I said. “I think I convinced everyone that me marrying Celestia would be a bad idea. That said, I’m not sure if the vote will go to kill her or reform her.”

“There is a caveat in there,” Brook said. “You marrying Celestia is a bad idea as things are right now. But with another elemental in Celestia’s head, one who wasn’t required to obey you, things would be fine. If Discord ever turned you evil, Celestia would still be able to counter you.”

“Except, again, I don’t want to. It’s also unnecessary. We have plenty of ways to keep an eye on her.”

“And yet, it does offer advantages. I know the idea doesn’t appeal, but you have to admit that it has upsides.”

“If the vote starts swaying that way, I will make my case again. If that option ends up being picked, I will be extremely pissed and disappointed, but I will marry her. I’ll make sure everyone regrets it, but I’ll do it.”

“I sorely wish I could convince you of its logic…”

“And I sorely wish I could convince you to fuck up out my face with that weak-ass shit, but here we are.”

“I also think it’s a good idea,” Aqua helpfully said.

“Which should be all the proof you need that it’s a terrible idea,” I said, making my least favorite elemental turn dark blue.

“I understand that what Aqua did to you was terrible, but do you have to treat her so poorly?” Brook asked.

“No, I just do it because it’s fun. What’s that old phrase? Do unto others as they’ve done unto you?”

“I believe it’s do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Aqua whispered.

“Well, it’s something like that. The point is, being a bully can be cathartic. Being a bully to a horrible bitch who was trying to kill you and leave your corpse still standing is like crack. I’m sure it’ll get old eventually and I’ll stop, but until then, I’ll have my fun.”

“That is… discomforting to hear,” Brook quietly replied.

“Yeah, I’m not surprised. It sounded pretty evil to me, too. I’m legit fucked in the head at this point. It’s all just gonna be one huge downward spiral from here.”

“Until the coma,” Aqua said.

“Hopefully. If that doesn’t do the trick, I might just have Aqua kill my personality entirely and start from scratch. A hard reboot might be necessary at this point.”

“Isn’t that exactly what you were upset she was trying to do?” Brook asked.

“Yeah. The thing is, she was trying to turn me into some kind of prissy little lady who actually wanted to get pregnant. She was also going to make it seem like I had always wanted to be a girl and was just in denial. If I end up erasing myself, I’m going to replace it with something that isn’t either mind-numbingly retarded or batshit crazy.”

“...I can see why you would treat her poorly.” Her head tilted. “And now Flo has sent me the memories of your interactions with Aqua. I really understand why you treat her poorly.”

“Yeah, that shit was mad spooksville, yo. I’ve been hopeless before, but I’ve never been that helpless. With luck, I never will be again.”

“Well, all waters have now been cleaned of corruption,” Brook said. “And we all feel better than we have in a very long time. This incident will not repeat itself. With Flo and Aqua to guard your mind, no one else should have any access to it. I know you are loath to keep others around to protect you, but it might be wise to change that policy.”

“I’m pretty much surrounded 24/7 by murderous psychopaths. I need some time away from those horrifying monsters.”

“...Your daughter would like spending more time with mommy, I’m sure.”

“I just said I needed time away from the murderous psychopaths. I can’t deal with the insanity all the time. I’m starting to think Felix is right about hired help.”

“Of course he’s wrong,” Brook replied. “Their loyalty provides them strength where many would fail. Some of their tendencies might be… troubling, but I’m confident that they all mean you no harm.”

“I know. It’s those troubling tendencies that I need to get away from sometimes. Those people are straight up cuckoo.”

“I hope you realize that the same could be said of you,” Brook said with a small smile.

“Yeah, but there are more of them, so they can divide their time up so that none of them ever get tired of me. And since half of them seem like they’re straight up addicted to my presence, they can never get enough of me. But since I’m constantly surrounded by them, it gets to me.”

“I suppose I see your conundrum,” she slowly said, her smile disappearing. “Your logic is always so interesting, Nav. Have you considered my offer? I’m sure you would enjoy my company more than Aqua’s.”

“Aqua is my new favorite toy,” I said. “Don’t try and take her from me.”

“...Toy?”

“Well, she was trying to turn me into a barbie doll. It’s only fair that I get to play with her now. I’m sure I’ll find all kinds of uses for her!”

“Well. Far be it from me to take that from you, then.” Aqua turned an even darker blue.

“I know what’ll cheer you up, Aqua,” I said. “You can be my chariot for the rest of the way!” Aqua deeply sighed and slid under me, ferrying me along. Brook actually burst out laughing and had to speed up to catch us.

With my new mount, we made good time. The only person waiting for us was Luna. I picked a random chair and plopped down. Brook and Aqua did the same. “So how long do you think our wait will be?” Luna asked.

“Not very. Everyone’s taking a short recess after breakfast. They’ll all be heading this way soon.”

“...I was not invited to breakfast,” she quietly replied. “I was just told to come here.”

“Wow. Talk about rude. So, are you worried about seeing Blossom again?”

“No. Even with the blood gem, she would be incapable of harming me. Besides, I am confident that you asked her not to.”

“I did. I hope she listened, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she confronts you anyway.”

“I will not hurt her, of course. I’m sure that once I explain that I am now your humble servant, she will be placated.”

“That would be nice. I’ve been looking forward to seeing how everyone will react. So far, it’s been an interesting mix.”

“I am not surprised. Are you disappointed in the choice Aqua made for you?”

I wonder how long you’ve been wanting to ask that one. “Not this one.”

She sighed in relief. “I am glad. It has worried me.”

“Why didn’t you ask sooner?”

“...Because it was worrying me.”

She was nervous. That’s almost cute. “After seeing how Shiny reacted when I told him you were a vassal, I knew I made the right choice. You will earn your redemption by helping to make the world a better place. With luck, you’ll find yourself in a happier place along the way.”

“With you to guide my path, I know I have nothing to fear.” Gay as fuck.

“Your loyalty is impressive,” Brook said. “I’m happy to see that all of your crew is so close to you, Nav.”

“It has its upsides,” I sighed, finally leaning back into my chair and staring off into space. “So who’s gonna tell the story about what we saw in the Zone?”

“I think that honor should go to you, of course,” Brook said. “As our leader, you have the most boasting rights.”

“It wouldn’t sound very boastful coming from me,” I said. “I’m too dead inside. We should have brought Zecora.”

“There’s always the option of just flashing the memories into everyone’s heads,” Brook said. “It’s disorienting, but it would likely be fastest and nothing would be missed.”

“Yeah, we’re not doing that,” I immediately replied. “We can make Aqua tell the story. It’s not like she has a choice one way or another.” The named elemental sighed and slumped in her seat.

“Your delegation skills are wonderful, my lady,” Luna said with a grin.

“Yeah, I’m the greatest.”

Soon enough, people began trickling in and picking spots. In practically no time at all, everyone was finally in place.

I slowly looked around the large crystal table. Twilight looked… uncomfortable. Shining Armor seemed very determined. Cadance looked resolute. Luna had a smug grin on her face. Aqua was glowing a dark blue. I flipped her off and she sighed, massaging a temple. Moonie was filing down one of the holes on her leg, then using magic to float the shavings into Aqua. They dissolved on impact. Gilda was watching in disgust. Brook was failing to stifle giggles. Blossom was glaring at Luna. Fleur was leaning against me.

I took a deep breath and stood. “So who wants to skip the bullshit and get to the point?” I asked.

“Please,” Moonbeam said. “Some of us have things to do.”

“At least half of us are rulers, Chrysalis,” Shiny said. “This is important.”

“That’s not what I heard,” she replied. “Nav?”

“Thanks to Miss Blueberry over there, Celestia is under our complete control,” I said. “Miss Blueberry, would you like to explain?”

Aqua sighed and rolled her eyes. “I may have… led a coup a couple weeks ago. And after that, I may have gotten a little overconfident and… expanded my coup a little.”

“And it backfired like a motherfucker,” I said. “Now she’s my little bitch, which makes Celestia my littler bitch.”

“Wait a moment,” Blossom said. “Those blank-eyed guards that Celestia has…”

“Are under my control, yes,” Aqua said. “They were created using the cloning pool and have no real will of their own.”

“...What should we do with them?” Blossom asked.

“For now, nothing,” I said. “My current plan is to give them to the fire elementals for use as runesmiths, but we’ll see where things go.”

“I would be happy to take them,” Moonie said. “I could find uses for a few strong stallions…” Blossom narrowed her eyes.

“Like I said, we’ll come up with something later. Now we have to deal with the aftermath of this cunt’s failed coup.”

Aqua groaned and started crying. “Oh Navi! You could have been so much more! Why wouldn’t you let me just turn you into a perfect princess?!”

“Shut your mouth!” I said. “I already told you, I’m not gonna kill you no matter what you say! You’re gonna suffer!” She started sobbing. “Silence mode!” That shut her up, but she continued silently wailing. “She’ll get used to it.”

“...I don’t know how to feel about that,” Twilight slowly said.

“Don’t worry about it. Now let’s talk shop. Celestia is under our control. We can do whatever we want to her. So what do we want?”

“A correction,” Brook said. “You can do whatever you want to her. She is under your control.”

“Discord created me. This choice can’t be mine alone. Besides, it will affect everybody here. It’s only fair that we all get to weigh in. I agree to abide by whatever we vote to do.”

“Who all gets to vote?” Blossom asked, finally looking back at me. “Not everybody here is a ruler.”

“Aqua obviously doesn’t get to,” I said. “That leaves ten of us.”

“What if we get a tie?” Fleur asked.

“I’ll abstain,” Twilight said. “I’m not a ruler. I don’t have any land or anyone working for me.”

“Neither does Fleur,” I said. “You represent the Elements of Harmony. She represents the nobility of Canterlot. Blossom is the army. Gilda is the griffins, Moonie is the changelings, Brook is the elementals, Luna is Celestia’s sister, and Cadance and Shiny represent the Crystal Empire.”

“Then they should only get one vote,” Moonbeam said. “That would give us nine.”

“I see no issue with that,” Cadance said.

“We already know where our vote is,” Shiny added, nodding.

“What do you represent?” Gilda asked, staring at me.

“I’m the reason everyone is sitting in this room right now instead of eating bullshit out of Celestia’s hooves. That is what I represent.” She bowed her head.

“Aren’t you also a member of dragon royalty?” Brook asked.

“We’re not gonna count that.”

“Why not?” Cadance asked. “Didn’t you say you were adopted by the dragon king’s mother? That would make you…” She suddenly gasped in utter joy. “THAT MAKES YOU A PRINCESS!”

“Someone flick her on the nose for me,” I sighed. Luna and Moonie both immediately flicked Cadance on the nose, making most of the excitement and life in her eyes quickly die away. “So, glossing over that nonsense, we have nine votes. Now what do we want to do?”

“So what, exactly, can we do to Celestia?” Moonbeam asked.

“Aqua, get over yourself and explain.”

She instantly stopped crying and began speaking instead. “I can change her personality however you want. I could kill her instantly, put her in a coma, make her marry whoever you—”

“Hey! You’re on thin ice, missy!”

“Or what?” Aqua bitterly asked.

“Bimbo mode.” She turned yellow in humiliation as her body morphed into a completely slutty looking human. “Now be silent like the eyecandy you are. And remember, you’re my perfect little elemental. That means you enjoy following orders, remember?” Instead of yellow, she went to pink and started smiling. “Good girl.”

“We can do anything we want with Celestia,” Cadance said. “So, I’d like to suggest the obvious. Why not try her as a tyrant and publicly execute her for her crimes?”

“Because that’s a waste,” I said. “At the moment, we don’t really have anyone who can comfortably take her place. I’m kinda in the middle of something important and my time could be spent much better than by administering a kingdom. It’ll take time to put systems under Celestia into place. We can always change our minds and kill her later, which brings up the next topic: Brainwashing her into a less shitty person. Aqua, would you like to tell everybody what you were going to do to me and how you were going to do it?”

“Of course, Navi! I was gonna slowly destroy your personality over time in order to make you a super happy, frilly, and upbeat princess! Oooh, it was gonna be so cute! With you married to Celestia, it gave me so many options to choose from! I was thinking a lot of pink, obviously. Oh, and after you forcefully realized that you always wanted to be a woman and were just too proud to admit it, you were going to use the fruit in the Everfree to have so many beautiful bouncing babies! It would have been perfect!”

“...That was one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever heard in my life,” Shiny whispered.

“So as you can see, we can change Celestia’s mind however we want, no matter how insane and nonsensical it might be,” I said.

“So you propose to turn her into a proper princess,” Luna said.

“I do. With all of us around to keep an eye on her, it should be easy to make sure she doesn’t slip off track. Over time, we can rework her kingdom to make her position obsolete. Then we can reconsider our options. If everyone’s cool with Canonlestia, we can keep her. Otherwise, we can axe her.”

“And then there’s the marriage route,” Brook said. “Should she be joined to anyone here, our power over her would be more absolute. It would also grant that person a considerable amount of influence while allowing them to retain a good chunk of their independence. I’m sure we could all think of a few people who could use that power.”

“Is anybody besides Brook going to vote to make me marry Celestia?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Is Nav gonna have to slap a hoe?” Cadance asked. I’m so proud.

Nobody spoke up, so Brook sighed in defeat. “Wise choice,” I said, finally sitting back down. “We can do pretty much anything else we want, but I feel like we kinda covered the main two options. So, you want to jump straight to the voting or should we talk more?”

“The solution is obvious,” Fleur said.

“Of course it is,” Blossom added with a nod.

They both spoke up again. Fleur said, “Brainwash her.”

Blossom, of course, said, “Kill her.”

“So I guess that’s two votes down,” I said. “We have one for kill and one for brainwash. My vote is also with brainwash.”

“Can we take a moment to discuss that?” Blossom asked. “Because it sounds… I dunno, super evil.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Moonbeam slowly asked.

“It is pretty evil,” Luna said. “But evil can be put to good use.”

“Yeah, so I heard,” Blossom said, lifting her neck and pointing at the bite marks on it. “I bet you were gonna put me to a lot of good use, too!”

“That was the plan. I now serve a new lady, one who will hopefully guide my hooves in a better direction.”

Blossom’s eyes slowly moved to me. “...Nav?”

“Luna is now my vassal.”

“Why?” Her voice sounded unusually violent and her eyes actually flashed red.

“Aqua forced me to while I was under her control. Luna’s been behaving and she’s proven useful, so I didn’t see any reason to revoke it. If she wants to earn her salvation through service, that’s fine by me.”

“Is it? Is it fine by you, Nav? After what she did to me?!”

“I literally just said that she can earn her salvation through service. Because unless all you want is revenge, I don’t know what better outcome you could have hoped for. We now have someone with five thousand years of battlefield experience who knows an insane amount of history and spells in our pocket. She’s also capable of doing true magic, which is not something to be taken lightly. Yes, she did a lot of fucked up shit. Some of which was done to me, in case you forgot. But we have two options: We can either kill her for revenge or let her make up for what she did. I’m inclined to go with letting her make up for things. Unfortunately, I have a thing for helping the outcasts and those who are feared by society.”

“I fail to see how that’s unfortunate at all,” Fleur said.

“Because usually they’re outcasts or feared for a reason. Blossom’s the obvious exception, because she’s too adorable to ever be scary, but most of the people following me are utterly horrifying.”

“I can vouch to that,” Twilight said. “I’ve been on the same boat with Kat for probably about a year now and I still sometimes wonder if she might slit my throat while I’m sleeping.”

“I think she just watches me sleep some nights,” I said. “Shit gives me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, Luna is my next project. Er… newest vassal. Is that going to be a problem?”

After some visible effort, Blossom’s eyes lost their red hue. “You better work her to the bone.”

“She worked for three days straight recently,” I said. “So you don’t need to worry about that. Now, does anyone else want to discuss the morality of brainwashing Celestia?”

“It is evil,” Cadance said. “And I’m hesitant about the idea of trying to use evil for good. Isn’t that exactly what Celestia was doing?”

“My ex-sister is a tyrant who harshly puts down any hints of dissidence well before they can turn into threats,” Luna coldly replied. “Our entire reign was built on the lie that we moved the sun and moon. This lifeline kept us in power when nothing else could. A part of me wonders if Celestia touted it as truth for so long that she started to believe it herself. Navarone intends to take us into the future with truth and magically fueled technological advancement. It is a stark contrast. As long as we keep ourselves in check when it comes to finally governing, I see nothing wrong with doing whatever is necessary to increase the likelihood that we succeed. Discord must be stopped at all costs or everything we’ve done will be for naught. Reforming Celestia is likely the best way to keep the peace long enough for us to replace her properly.”

“How is brainwashing her more evil than killing her?” Moonbeam asked. “It’s basically the same thing. Brainwashing just means we’ll have a more useful version of her left over instead of the nothing we’d have if we killed her.”

“Sometimes it’s just about doing the right thing, no matter what,” Cadance said. “If we’re voting, I say we should kill her.”

“Agreed,” Shiny said. “It’s the most honest thing to do. It will cause problems, but nothing we can’t overcome.”

“So that’s two for kill and two for brainwash,” I said.

“Brainwash,” Moonie said.

“I am also for brainwashing her,” Luna said. “But I want to be allowed to watch you tell her. I want to see the light dim from her eyes as she realizes her fate. I want to see her beg for death instead. And I want to be able to laugh as her mind is slowly overwritten until nothing is left but what we allow her to have!”

“I can make those happen,” I said. “Four for brainwashing, two for killing.”

“I do have another request, if possible,” Luna tried to sweetly say.

“So fucking needy. What is it this time?”

“If we vote to kill her, I would like to be the executioner. I would also like to choose the method.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” I said.

“I feel like we should actually ask about that,” Cadance said. “What method did you have in mind, exactly?”

“Banishment to the moon. I want the last thing she ever sees to be my laughing face as she chokes for breath on that cold, inhospitable prison she banished me to for a thousand years.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Cadance replied with a shrug.

“So can we get back to the voting or do you have more demands?” I asked.

“I am sated.”

“Who’s up next?” I said, looking around the room.

“I find myself at a crossroads,” Twilight quietly said. “I am in a position to pick the fate of someone I once thought of as a second mother. My only options seem to be to have her killed or to utterly destroy her personality. I honestly don’t know how you can seem so casual, Nav. My heart feels like it’s about to burst!”

“I don’t have much of a heart left. Like, literally. It’s all just some kind of plantlike mass in there. I’ve been strangely calm ever since it happened, to the point where it’s almost impossible to rile me up. And I’ve been through so much that to me, this is just another day. Next week, we’ll probably be fighting magical horse Stalin part two and I’ll probably be just as unfazed.”

“Well… I’m finding it hard to decide.”

“I was just as close to Celestia, if not closer,” Cadance said. “She led our entire race down such a dark path. Think about everything you’ve learned, Twilight. And that does not even scratch the surface. We’ve found books here that detail her offensive into the lands of the griffins. It was awful.”

“I would like copies of those books,” Gilda said.

“We have already sent half a library’s worth,” Shiny said. “We signed several trade deals with your father for massive amounts of paper in exchange for ten copies of every book we transcribed.”

“Excellent,” Gilda replied, nodding. “My choice is obvious. She must pay with blood for all her sins against griffinkind. Kill that monster once and for all.”

“Four for brainwash, three for kill. We’re just waiting on Twiggles and Brook, now.”

“...Despite everything, a part of me still wonders if the sun would keep rising every day with Celestia dead,” Twilight said. “As Nav once said, she turned herself into a god. She made all the ponies believe in a huge lie. She’s driven us to do awful things in our ignorance and fear. She’s done horrifying things to any who challenge her power. She always treated me so sweet and so kind, and yet… and yet she’s so evil! She’s… she’s a blight on ponykind. Nothing good will come from keeping her around. If ponykind wants to flourish… if we want the world to flourish… we have to kill that relic. It… breaks my heart to say it. But we have to look to the future and we can’t do that if our leader will keep us bound to the past.”

“That makes you the deciding vote, Brook,” I said.

“It is an interesting thing. You could order me to make whatever decision you want, yet you allow me a voice.”

“The point of this council is to let everyone come together to decide on things as a group. All sides can present their arguments. The people on the council are free to decide however they choose. I will never attempt to use leverage to force somebody to say something. That defeats the entire point.”

“Indeed. Both sides of this particular debate have merit. Celestia has done much wrong. Exposing her corruption and putting her to death would shake this world to its core. Sometimes, big change is a good thing. And sometimes… it’s an awful thing. Using a water elemental to essentially brainwash her gives us a more gradual change. In my experience, I’ve seen that societies who choose to change gradually will have a much easier time of things. It will likely prevent a civil war. It would be an easy way to keep a huge chunk of the world under the direct control of this council. With her as our face, we should have no trouble convincing other great powers to join us.”

“So what’ll it be?” I asked.

“I say brainwash. It might be seen as kicking the can down the road, so to say, but I believe that, of the two options, it is the one most likely to have a positive outcome.”

“Five for brainwash, four for kill,” I said. “Does anyone want to change their minds? Or does anybody want to discuss this more?”

“...I will admit that having Celestia under our control does have… advantages,” Twilight slowly said. “I suppose with us there to force things forward, she could do little to hold us back. And there have been questions of mine that she has been avoiding for quite some time. I would like to ask her those questions before we wipe her mind.”

“We don’t have to wipe her mind,” Aqua said. “We can leave all of her knowledge intact. I’m just going to erase her personality and start fresh.”

“First of all, no the fuck you ain’t,” I said. “Your bitch ass is fucking crazy. We’re gonna let an elemental who isn’t a complete psycho do it. Second of all, thank you for clearing that up. We don’t have to actually deep six Sunbutt’s memories. We can just give her personality a few touch-ups, so to say.”

“So what’s to stop her from becoming evil again?” Blossom asked.

“Uh… us?” I said. “We’re gonna keep multiple eyes all over this bitch, which will include giving her an elemental. With as powerful as she is, we need to be sure there is no way she can ever revert back. To help with that, we have, in no particular order, her niece, her ex-sister, her personal student, her lover, me, her ex-teacher and a queen besides, a princess of a neighboring country, a prince of a nearby country, and her guard captain.”

“Wait, so who’s her lover?” Twilight asked.

“Fleur. Don’t you remember that time at the gala?”

Fleur shuddered. “Please don’t remind me…”

“As long as we all keep a close eye on her, we should be fine,” I finished with a nod.

“And what of justice?” Shiny demanded.

“Can you quantify justice?” I asked. “Can you measure it? Weigh it? It’s a made up concept. Celestia did a bunch of evil shit. We’re going to punish her by brainwashing her and making her help fix the fucked up world she built. Once again, would you rather waste her skills by killing her out of some sense of moral righteousness or would you rather put the incredibly powerful, ancient goddess-queen to work unfucking everything?”

“The vote won’t always swing your way, Nav,” Cadance said. “What will you do when it goes against you?”

“Abide by it. I’m an abomination created by Discord. Far be it from me to stand in the way of real people. But because I helped build this entire movement, I think it’s fair that I at least deserve the right to vote regardless.”

“No one will ever dispute that,” Cadance said. “If you’re confident that brainwashing her will lead to a good result, I’ll accept it. I will abide by the vote.”

“Of course I will,” Twilight said. “It will be nice to have my old teacher back. I do think killing her would be better for the ponies in the long run, though.”

“My father and my brother might have fought this,” Gilda said. “They might have screeched until they were red in the face. My pride demands her death. But logic and evidence have shown that having her on our side is not a bad thing. After seeing Luna in action, I am interested to see what Celestia is capable of. And obviously, her magical knowledge can be used to revolutionize everything. For those reasons, I will abide by the vote.”

“...I suppose it is not my place to question which monster deserves a second chance and which does not,” Blossom finally said. “If I am to be trusted despite my condition, it is only fair that others be given their fair due. Celestia has a chance to be useful again. To push ponykind… to push all life into the future. With luck, and with us to guide her, she will not falter again. I will abide by the vote.”

“Then it’s settled,” I said. “Dibs on getting to tell her the news.”

“Then if that is all, I should be returning to my kingdom,” Moonbeam said.

“That isn’t quite all,” I said. “I have a proposal. Between all of us, we represent a huge chunk of the power in the world, especially on this side of the continent. Everybody here also knows about Discord already. I propose that we all formally agree to work together to kill him, and to continue working together past his demise.”

“Work together in what ways?” Cadance asked.

“The world is a small place,” I said. “And by the time I’m finished with my trip, it’s going to be considerably smaller. We must all act as one. We can’t let all the races grow apart again. If we are to keep Discord dead, we must work together to keep the violence and discord in the world at a minimum.”

“That is a hefty order,” Moonie said.

“I’m aware, but I believe I know how to begin going about it. I want to form several academies across the world dedicated to technological and magical research. Gilda has already agreed to build one in her nation. I’m going to break ground on my own near Ponyville shortly after I get back. I plan to found another in Minos. I know Moonie already has several researchers working on things, but I don’t know if she has any actual academies.”

“Not as such, no,” she replied. “But that can be rectified. I don’t quite see how academies are going to solve our violence problem, though.”

“That’s just step one. I recently found a magical ring that creates heat. Toss it in a pot of water and it boils almost instantly. You can use something like that to create a steam engine. As long as the ring continues producing heat, the engine will continue producing power. Thus, infinite free energy.”

“I would like to see this ring,” Moonie said.

“It isn’t mine to show off and it’s certainly not here. But the point is, if we can figure out how to make something like that, we can solve the biggest issue humans ever had with technology: finding enough fuel to keep things going. With unlimited fuel sources, we could revolutionize the entire planet. With some of the technology we found at the Zone of Alienation, we can instantly grow acres and acres of whatever crop we want. So with the technology to grow crops and the magitech applied to create infinite energy to transport said crops, we have an infinitely sustainable food source that could theoretically supply the entire planet.”

“That’s amazing!” Cadance said.

“You should have seen it in action,” Twilight replied. “It was… awe-inspiring.”

“It’s a fine theory,” Moonie said. “And I would certainly be willing to build an academy. However, I’m quite hesitant to believe that all of the world’s problems will be solved with fire rings and free food.”

“Oh, absolutely not,” I replied. “Again, that’s part of step one. Step two will be getting all the other major nations in the world to join this council. That’s probably what I’ll start working on after I get done finding all the elementals.” Though I really don’t know why I’m bothering.

“That will be something of a tough sell, in some places,” Cadance said. “Especially if it’ll end up involving Celestia.”

“Which leads me to another suggestion,” I said. “Every nation represented in the council should sign a treaty that states that any attack against one of us is an attack against all of us. That’ll give them the carrot.”

“...And the stick?” Cadance asked.

Moonie snorted. “Isn’t that obvious? At least half the world is instantly going to be part of this alliance. Any individual nation who sees something like that popping up suddenly is going to be very concerned that something big is on the horizon. I imagine several of them will either demand to be part of it or form their own coalition out of fear.”

“The end goal is to eradicate the idea of nations entirely,” I said, making several eyebrows lift. “Obviously that won’t be easy. But I think if we work at it long enough, we can turn this council into an effective one-world government, scrapping the idea of nations and war entirely.”

“Good luck,” Moonie replied, rolling her eyes.

“How can you get rid of war entirely?” Gilda asked.

“Well, why do nations fight wars?” I asked.

“Usually because their neighbor does something they don’t like,” Gilda slowly said.

“Right. War generally happens because one nation wants to change another nation. Well, why go to war if you can just ask your neighbor to stop being a douchebag? With the council to act as mediators, what use would someone have for war?”

“Wanting to be free from the council?” Moonie asked.

“I’m kinda hoping to make being part of it nice enough that nobody would want to leave,” I replied. “Part of that is technological and magical advances. Another part is security. I was hoping we could come up with more incentives.”

“Trade,” Cadance said. “We could allow free or cheaper trade between member nations.”

“That’s assuming we agree to this in the first place,” Moonbeam said. “I came here to decide what to do with Celestia, not form some kind of worldwide governing body.”

“What do you see as the downsides?” I asked.

“I see no reason to make myself accountable to other rulers,” she replied. “I know what is best for my changelings. I also have no need for infinite food, since my kind can’t eat it anyway. As for technological advances, it seems we’re doing fairly well on our own. Why would we need the other races?”

“To help pacify Discord,” I said. “He’s a magical entity that thrives off the amount of violence in the world. The more peaceful things are, the weaker he becomes. At some point, it might be possible for another deity or entity to either kill him or become powerful enough to actively oppose him. And while the idea of infinite food might not appeal, there’s always security. We can also add in freedom of movement for all citizens of member nations, so anyone living in one nation can freely move to another nation. That would mean you could have a diaspora from the hives, if you wanted.”

“Hm. It is not something I will agree to immediately. It will require further consideration.”

“It sounds like a good idea to me,” Cadance said.

“It sounds like an interesting idea to me,” Gilda slowly said. “You seek to make yourself ruler of the entire globe, Nav?”

“What? No. I don’t rule this council. I’m just a member.”

“Why not rule the council?” Cadance asked. “You could use us for votes and either act as a tiebreaker or the final voice.”

“Because I don’t wanna. I don’t even want to be doing this, I just don’t have much of a choice at the moment. We might eventually need someone to act as a tiebreaker. If that’s ever the case and I actually have a real soul, I might be willing to take that position.”

“Well, you have given us something to consider,” Moonie said. “Do you have any other world-changing proposals?”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” I said. “I intend to declare war on Tartarus.” I paused for a moment, either for dramatic effect or to let it sink in. “Obviously nobody is required to join me, but I’m leading Equestria to war.”

“I rather hope you have a plan to win,” Moonbeam slowly said. “Especially with your proposal to end all wars entirely.”

“That place is a pit of misery and corruption. I’m going to cleanse it, like popping a pimple on the planet. Then I am going to find a way to cleanse the lake of pure magic under it and turn that into the fountain from which to return true magic to the world.”

“Wait, what?” Cadance said.

“What do you mean, lake of magic?” Twilight asked.

“It’s something Athena told me,” I said. “Do you remember the great flood in the bible?”

“I do. Noah’s Ark?”

“The same. Once, when humans were young, the earth was covered in many great lakes of magic. Discord destroyed most of them, evaporating them and causing a flood. The lake in Australia was underground and survived. Eventually, some of his supporters corrupted it. It’s since been unsealed and leaking chaotic magic across the entire realm, likely why the entire continent was sealed away. Athena seems to think it can be cleaned. I’m inclined to agree. If it can be, we can use it for an incredible magic boost against Discord.”

“That is a hefty task,” Moonbeam quietly said.

“I’m planning on building a hefty warchest with which to do it. Shiny, do you recall seeing an iron golem with us?”

“I do. It was impressive.”

“My current plan is to send the huge ship we got around all the major cities, recruiting crafters of all kinds. They’ll harvest resources as they go and build runic equipment, runic golems, and siege weapons. I have a few ideas for heavy chariots, too. The short version is that I plan to make a huge amount of magitech weaponry designed to inflict as much pain, horror, and death as possible. Any demon who does not submit will be thoroughly crushed under the arm of the revitalized Equestrian military.”

“You will not be marching alone,” Gilda said. “I guarantee you that! My brother would be happy to lead our land into a just, righteous crusade!”

“I shall speak to Ditto,” Moonbeam said. “I will not promise soldiers, but I can deliver crafters and harvesters.”

“You will, of course, need experienced officers,” Shiny said. “I’d be happy to vol—”

“You’re not going to war,” Cadance said.

“I will, of course, also need training officers,” I said. “Someone to kick the common rank and file of Equestria into shape. Once I get the trick down for mass-producing runic armor, the common footsoldier is essentially going to be a tank. We don’t want them hurting themselves or each other, so we’ll need someone to drill them.”

“That, I don’t mind,” Cadance said. Thank god. I don’t think I’d trust Shiny with any lives after the war games.

“I have been writing notes,” Luna said. “In what little spare time I possess. We used a simpler version of runes on the armor of common soldiers, things that did not require recharging. It wasn’t feasible to get that many blood gems. However, I did train up an elite corps of unicorns who were able to teleport as a group, keep a shield up at all times, and fire in unison. If they ever saw an opening in an enemy army, they would blink forward and clear out huge sections of enemies all around them. It was an incredible intimidation tactic, and if they ever needed to travel outside of the shield, their armor was capable of reflecting almost anything and it tripled their strength, allowing them to break bones with every kick.”

“...Why didn’t we have a group like that?” Shiny slowly asked.

“I don’t know, Shining Armor,” Luna said. “Why did you not train a group like that?”

“The real answer: Celestia was afraid of the power of the military,” I said. “That’s why she stripped pretty much all of your real power and turned herself into the nation’s protector.”

“Correct,” Luna replied with a nod. “My rebellion made her wary of the military. A group of unicorns that coordinated could kill her in seconds, if they timed it right.”

“Well, that’ll be one of Shiny’s goals,” I said. “We’ll discuss ideas for other elite units after we determine who else will be supporting us. I can think of several ways to mix ponies, changelings, and griffins to great effect.”

“We will need scouting information,” Blossom finally said.

“I’m going to try my best to summon a familiar I’m friends with,” I said. “With luck, he’ll be able to fill us in. If not, we’ll figure something out.”

“I have two books of familiars,” Luna said. “We can look through them together when we get back to Canterlot.”

“Well, that was the only other proposal I had,” I said. “So unless anyone wants to hear what we found at the bunker, we’re done.”

“Of course we want to hear it,” Fleur said. “You made it sound so amazing!”

“You mentioned a giant ship?” Blossom said.

“Aqua will be telling it from the beginning,” I said. “With the bare minimum of sass and annoying, insane asides or tirades.”

“Wait, I wanna hear it from the great hero herself!” Cadance said.

“I do as well,” Fleur said. “Hearing it in your lovely voice would be preferable.”

“You people are obviously smoking crack. Aqua, would you be so kind?”

“May I borrow your voice?” she asked.

“Of course not,” Moonbeam said. “We want to hear it in Nav’s own words.”

“Too fucking bad. Aqua, start, now.”

Thankfully, she started talking, explaining things from the beginning. It looked like they wanted to keep talking shit, but finally settled down when Aqua started describing the dome.

Hearing the retelling of events from an extremely disinterested and bored third party made me realize just how much we accomplished in such short a time. It almost sounded impressive until my usual self-hatred kicked back in and I stopped paying attention.

When Aqua finally finished, it seemed like a good chunk of the table was either deep in thought or as bored as I was. “So that’s a pretty hefty info-dump,” I said. “We found all kinds of cool shit there and we’re only uncovering more as we go. I plan to loot that place dry. The main limiting factor at the moment is the time it takes to get rid of the spooky inhabitants of the bunker.”

“We can rectify that quickly, if you grant us permission to hasten things along,” Luna said with a small smile.

“There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things,” I said. “If what Zecora is doing helps the spirits within be at peace, I’ll take it. So far, there’s been nothing as evil and powerful as what I ran into before.”

“After cleansing that bunker, I can honestly say that I am surprised you lived through it,” Luna said. “The horrors you experienced must have been—”

“They were and I don’t want to talk about it. So, we now have technology that will allow us to grow a ton of crops. We also have tech that lets us control storms. This enables all kinds of shenanigans. The local nanites also seemed to be able to transfer matter of one type to another similar type. It might well be possible to turn rocks into iron.”

“Not rocks,” Brook said. “But the knowledge he gave us would allow us to easily turn, say, lead into gold.” I’m not sure that lead is closer to gold than rocks are to iron, but whatever I guess.

“What about silver?” Luna asked. “Against demons, it is considerably more potent.”

“That is also an option.”

“We must be wary not to disrupt the economy,” Moonbeam said. “If we flood it with gold, we’ll cause inflation.”

“That wasn’t part of the plan,” I said. “I’m fairly certain that Equestria has plenty of gold at the moment. We will, however, be keeping the fact that we can make gold a secret. If there ever is an opposing faction, being able to beat them in a trade war will be vital. Having enough gold to make Pyrite look twice would help with that.”

“Of course, having enough gold to make Pyrite look twice might also make him attack,” Luna said.

“As long as I get enough time, I’ll transform our military to the point where it probably won’t matter,” I said. “I’m fairly confident that, within about fifty or so years, I’ll be able to make an army that’s basically unstoppable.”

“...That’s a hefty boast,” Shiny quietly said.

“Yeah, well, I’m currently one of the most powerful people on the planet. I get to make a few hefty boasts.”

“Fair enough, I guess.”

“Do you need any assistance at the bunker?” Moonie asked. “Soldiers? Workers? Mages?”

“Do you have anyone who can speak to ghosts and make them leave?” I asked.

“...I do not, no.”

“Then I think we got it covered. Now, with the conclusion of Aqua’s little speech, I don’t really have anything else. I’m ready to declare the first Round Table meeting adjourned if you guys are.”

“When do you plan to leave for Canterlot?” Twilight asked.

“As soon as I grab Taya and say bye to Eva. I want this over and done with as quickly as possible.”

“Then we should teleport,” Luna said. “There is a circle here, is there not?”

“There is,” Cadance said. “You are welcome to it.”

“That will mean Flo is the only one available to brainwash Celestia,” Brook said. “If Aqua or I am there, we could use any sister, since we both contain small traces of each.”

“Flo, you want to brainwash Celestia for us?” I asked aloud.

“That would be fine,” she replied with my mouth. “I will be able to obtain input from the other sisters and Nav, so there should be no issues with creating the perfect Celestia.”

“Who’s going with you?” Twilight asked. “I certainly want to be there to confront Celestia for the last time.”

“If we’re teleporting, just you and Luna,” I said. “Everyone else can take the ship back. They can drop Gilda off at Gryphus on the way and then join us in Canterlot.”

“What do you mean, drop me off?” Gilda asked.

“I’m not planning on going straight back to the bunker. I do plan on sending the changeling ship back with whatever supplies they need so it can start carting shit back and forth, but the next time I return, it’ll be by teleportation.”

“I would like to return to the bunker with the ship. Stopping at Gryphus would be nice so I can talk to my brother, but I do not plan on staying there long.”

“If he says you can go, whatever.”

“I was actually hoping for a chance to talk with you, Nav,” Moonie said.

“I think most of us were,” Cadance sighed. “This is the way she works. In and out as quickly as she can so she can avoid as much social contact as possible.”

“I’m sorry you think my urgency is actually just me trying to avoid talking to my friends,” I said. “Apparently everything I do or say is wrong now.”

“Hasn’t it been like that since you got to Equestria?” Aqua sweetly asked.

“No, she’s just being dramatic because someone called her on her bullshit,” Brook said. “Flo pointed out how commonly Nav uses that tactic.”

“Sounds to me like Flo’s a traitor, then,” I said. “I guess there really isn’t anybody I can trust anymore…”

“She’s doing it again,” Twilight said. “Four sentences in a row!”

“I call this first meeting concluded,” I said, finally standing. “Since nobody apparently wants to talk to me after all, Luna and I will go seek out my daughter. Twilight can meet us at the teleport pads. Luna?” Her horn lit up and we actually teleported out. “I’m starting to love being able to do that.”

“It definitely has uses. The way they treat you can be utterly disrespectful, Nav.”

“Yeah, that’s why I left. I wonder how many times I’ll have to do that before they get the point.”

“They have already gotten a point, but I do not think it is the right point.”

“...Would you like to expand upon that?”

“I heard them talking while I was approaching the throne room after we met yesterday afternoon. Apparently you had just done the same thing there and they were discussing how obvious it was that you needed an intervention.”

“Never gonna happen,” I said. “I have two alicorns in my pocket now. I can order either of them to teleport me anywhere on the planet. I can quite easily get out of whatever bullshit I want. Hell, if you’d like, I can make Celestia teleport the two of us to her right now.”

“That would be unfair to Twilight. Celestia was almost like a second mother to her. She deserves to be there at the end.”

“Flo, where are we going?” She started directing my steps and we finally started walking. “Besides, I don’t need an intervention. I need a coma.”

“You keep saying it like it will be the solution to all your problems. The problems will still be there when you get out, Nav. You might have a slightly different personality or outlook on life, but you will not leave everything behind.”

“I know. But with luck, I’ll be able to turn into someone who’s strong enough to actually change. Right now, I feel far too broken to do anything. The burden on me is just too much. Even the effort of existing seems too exhausting for me these days. I’m truly winding down. Hopefully the coma will be the boost I need.”

“...There is no denying you have been through much. There have been times I felt myself growing too weary to go on, especially when I was young, like you. The longer I live, the easier it seems to be to put one hoof in front of the other. Before, all the problems I faced seemed monumental and too colossal to tackle. Over time, as my perspective grew and grew, I slowly learned that almost everything could be handled with enough time and, in some cases, enough help.”

“Well, that’s great and all, but it doesn’t change the fact that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is Flo. And not in the sense that I’d be too afraid she’d miss me, but in the literal sense that she’s stopping me from immediately plunging a dagger into my throat. So you can keep your old timey wisdom about being patient or whatever, because I’m out of time. I need a solution sooner rather than later and I’m really not interested in being picky.”

“...The only thing?” Luna slowly asked.

“At this point, pretty much. I know things are finally starting to move for the first time in a long time, but between the winter and all the mental trauma, I’m really kinda donezo. I’ve wanted to die for so long that I’m not really sure when it started anymore. Now I just want it to finally be over with. But now that I think about it, Discord probably won’t let me die until he’s done with me, so I don’t even have that escape option anyway. I’d certainly give it a whirl, but I imagine I’d fail.”

“Well, that’s all super depressing,” Luna said. “We spoke before in your dreams, about some of your problems. I asked if you would be interested in doing it again and you seemed so inclined. Is that something you think would help?”

“Aqua forced me to do it. Having so much dumped out like that was completely awful.”

“...I see.” We walked in silence for a few long seconds before she sighed. “It seems I failed you once again, my lady. I cannot believe I didn’t notice, yet it seems so obvious now…”

“It’s not difficult for an elemental who knows you in and out to disguise themselves like that. That was one of the few times I actually bothered trying to fight back, but to no avail.”

“For what it is worth… I do believe it would help put your mind at ease, should it be purposefully done. I am oath-bound to you, my lady. I could not divulge your secrets if I wanted to.”

“You know, I gotta say, it’s nice to finally have a vassal who actually seems to care about what I want. I’ll consider it. I suppose we could use something to talk about between rounds.”

“There is another thing I would like to discuss, if you would allow it.”

“It depends on the thing.”

“I have noticed you have many paramours, some more serious than others. Have you actually considered marriage with any of them?”

“Gilda and Moonbeam have both proposed a bunch of times. I have considered marriage with Moonie, but not with Gilda. I really don’t want to live in the hives forever, but being with her would have advantages.”

“Hm. Have you considered, and I mean truly considered, Celestia? As in, the many immediate and long-term advantages? Or do you just not like the idea and you have been coming up with various excuses not to do it?”

“Mostly the second one. I don’t even want to consider it. It just sounds too squicky to me. I mean, brainwashing her into the perfect wife? That’s just a little too much.”

“Hm. I can understand your reluctance. There will likely come a time to make a choice. Will you be able to?”

“If push comes to shove, I can always just say no to everybody and keep on truckin’ like a champ. There are plenty of peeps out there willing to shove whatever they can up my love canal.”

“That is not the fairytale ending most would expect for the great hero.”

“Sounds like a pretty happy ending to me. Instead of allowing myself to vulnerably open up and accept someone as a true partner, I just keep on slutting it up for eternity, using all kinds of deplorable acts to fill the gaping voids inside of me instead of the normal intimacy and passion.”

“...I suppose it does have some appeal. However, I doubt it would be as fulfilling.”

“You sure? I’d be getting filled all the time!” That actually made her giggle, which earned her a boop. “To be honest, I’m slightly intimidated by my choices. On one hand, you have an immortal hunger fae, cursed by Discord himself. She’s utterly domineering and incredibly crafty. On the other hand, you have a young and proper griffin princess. She’s very inexperienced, but eager to learn and beyond intelligent. Moonie offered to let me keep Fleur as a mistress while Gilda seemed inclined to share with Twilight.”

“Then your choice is obvious,” Luna said. “Choose Moonbeam.”

“Why is that obvious?”

“So you don’t have to put up with Twilight anymore.”

Fuckin’ ouch. “Why do you say that?”

“She seems to take more shots at you than most.”

“I take more shots at her than most, but that’s only because she makes it easy and worth it. That one’s kinda fair, as long as it’s at least reciprocal.”

“She also always seems to act like she knows what’s best for you, and has been doing it ever since you got here.”

“She probably does know what’s best for me. That said, it’s super annoying when she gets all preachy about it. All it does is make me do the opposite to spite her.”

“She brags about the sex you two have behind your back. And have you even read the books she writes?”

“I didn’t know that and no, I haven’t.”

“I suggest doing so. The way she writes about you can be creepily possessive at times.”

If Luna is saying it, it must be really bad… “I guess I might have to do that soon, then. I have noticed that Twilight can be a little more… fervent than most of my admirers. I think a part of it is her trying to prove herself against the others.” That said, if that relationship ever becomes untenable, cutting it off might be difficult.

“There is nothing that mare can do that will ever compete to what Moonbeam is capable of doing to you,” Luna said. “I can most definitely guarantee that. She has had a long time to experiment with all kinds of different bodies. If you want intimacy and passion, there might be none alive who are better.”

“I’ve noticed. She’s extremely skilled. And she seems okay with sharing. I’ve considered biting that bullet and going for it, but the downsides always make me stop.”

“Well, I suppose you will have time to make a decision. None of them seem to be in a hurry to move on.”

“Yeah, being the main character can be great sometimes.”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“Not surprised,” I said, shrugging.

“...So what does it mean?”

I sighed and explained the general idea behind breaking the fourth wall. It was a good segue from things I didn’t want to talk about and it lasted until we got to a large bath chamber. When we peered in, we saw several maids and female guards chilling and talking in the main room, soaking in the water.

“I had no idea they had one of these,” I said.

“Cadance likely did not want you leering at her maids.”

“I bet there are private chambers further back. Man, I could have done all kinds of lewd stuff in here!”

“Well, now you know the real reason she didn’t tell you. Shall we go find your daughters?”

“Make sure I don’t slip and fall.”

“Of course, my lady.” I led the way in, since Flo knew where we were going. All the conversations immediately stopped as everyone turned to stare at us. It felt super awkward and I fought the urge to make a bad joke. Instead, we continued in complete silence.

Sure enough, there were a few more private chambers in the back. Taya and a strangely bored looking boy were in one of them. “Sup?” I said, leaning against the entrance.

“Hello, mother,” what I decided was Mimeo said.

“How do you like being human?”

“It is interesting. Fingers are advantageous. The lack of a sheath was odd at first, but I have adjusted. I still fit into the dresses Eva has, so clothing is not an issue.”

“You’re wearing dresses?” I asked.

“I am. It is the only human clothing we possess. Well, that and the underclothing.”

“You should get more made if you plan on staying as a human for too long. We don’t want Rarity getting any ideas if she sees you. Anyway, I actually just came to say bye. I need to get to Canterlot as soon as inhumanly possible.”

“I’ll be ready in ten minutes!” Taya said, hopping out of the bath and splashing water everywhere. She wasn’t too used to her human body, so she slipped and almost cracked her skull on the floor. Luna caught her and dumped her right back into the bath.

“You’re taking the ship back,” I said. “I’m teleporting back with Luna and Twilight. We need to deal with Celestia now, since we’ve decided what to do.”

“Why can’t I teleport with you?”

“The ship is leaving as soon as you and Gilda get to it. She’ll take a short stop at Gryphus, but you should be back in Canterlot before night falls. Every minute counts, so we need to go.”

“What did you decide to do with Celestia?” Mimeo asked.

“Brainwash her into the perfect princess. Once that’s done, we’ll take a few days to regroup in Canterlot.”

“The others are already planning our trip south,” Mimeo said. “Many of us were disappointed you did not stay longer.”

“Are you included in that number?” I asked.

“...Perhaps.”

“I’d love to stay longer, but there’s a world to save and all that. With luck, I’ll be in Canterlot for a while soon.” Although that sounds like the least lucky thing ever. “I know Cadance was considering coming to visit.”

“She was planning on coming to visit,” Mimeo said. “She was just waiting for a time.”

“Fleur’s stupid pageant is coming soon. I’ll defs need to be in Canterlot for it. That might be a good time. You could all come and watch me debase myself and suffer.”

“That does sound fun, actually,” Mimeo replied, finally grinning.

“I’ll make sure to have Rarity make you and Ganger plenty of dresses, too. That way you two can also play dress up with me and Taya!”

“That sounds a lot less fun, for some reason…”

“Well, I’m sure we’ll figure something out when we get together again. For now, we gotta jet. I would hug you both, but you’re all wet and soapy.”

“You can hug us anyway!” Taya said. “C’mon, at least a boop! I need it, mommy!”

Talk about creepy. “I can do a boop,” I said, reaching over to poke her on the nose. She tried sniffing, but couldn’t smell anything with her inferior nose. Before Mimeo could pretend he didn’t want one, I booped him as well. “Now, we’re heading out. Taya, head to the ship when you’re ready.”

“Okay, mommy…”

“And I’ll hopefully see all of you again soon,” I said.

“Hopefully,” Mimeo said.

“Luna?” Her horn lit up and we teleported to a random spot in the tower. Flo instantly started pointing the way and we began walking.

“So what do you think of them as humans?” Luna asked.

“I don’t like it, but I won’t take it from them.”

“That is… surprising. Did they not do it for you?”

“No, they did it for themselves. I never asked them to do it and I never wanted them to do it.”

“Hm. I thought having more of your kind around would put your mind at ease…”

“Yeah, well, you know what they say about thinking.”

“No I don’t.”

“Oh well.” We finally fell into silence.

After about a minute or so, she lowered her head. “I am grateful you defended me at the meeting, my lady. I will do my best to improve my behavior. And if you ever have any… secret desires… you might like to sate, I would always be happy to be of service.”

I tried not to think about what she was implying. “You’re my vassal, Luna. Of course I defended you.”

“I never considered that you wouldn’t. I was merely expressing my gratitude. We truly are blessed to serve a wonderful, lovely lady.”

After about another minute or so, I sighed and asked, “So what kind of secret desires do you think I have?”

“I did not say you had any. Just that if you did, I would be happy to sate them.”

“If you had to wager a guess, what secret fetish do you think I have?”

“You wear so many of them openly on your sleeve, so it would be difficult for me to think of one for you. And to be honest, I know of so few fetishes myself that I would not make the attempt.” Says the blood fetishist.

“So you call me a slut and then you refuse to answer my question. Fine, be that way.”

“I think you enjoy being treated in bed like the wonderful lovely little lady you are, especially by a stallion.”

“See, that is an answer. An acceptable answer, too. Well, maybe you’ll get to find out. Or maybe not. Who knows?” That put a small smile on her face and we finally continued in silence.

When we got there, Flo decided to tell me that walking there from the baths would have taken about thirty seconds. That kinda pissed me off, but since Twilight was already there, I knew she had to have been waiting for us. At least I had that to cheer me up.

“So, feeling better?” she asked with a smile.

Of course, that instantly killed my small cheer. “I was until you said that,” I replied. “You ready to put this matter to rest?”

“I just need one more thing.” She jumped up so she could kiss me. When she dropped down again, she giggled. “Gotta make sure you have all the luck you need!”

“I feel slightly more ready.” I walked past her and into the room with the circle on the floor. They both followed. “Luna, if you would?” Her horn lit up and we all flashed into Canterlot. “That is a much more efficient means of traveling. Screw walking through Canterlot. We’re putting one of these circles at the house.”

“What a wonderful use of magic,” Twilight sarcastically replied. “So where do you think Celestia is right now?”

“The throne room,” Luna said. “She told me to be prepared for a summons, but as far as I know, she hasn’t actually called for me. When she sees the three of us together, she might know that her time has come.”

“Aqua, how many guards in the throne room are yours?”

“All of them, today.”

“Then I say we just go for it,” I said, finally walking out of the room.

“To be honest, I am starting to feel giddy,” Luna said, actually sounding excited. “I have dreamt of this day for so long…”

“The day when we effectively murder your ex-sister?” Twilight asked.

“The day when my big sister will finally actually have to love me back!”

“And you called me depressing,” I muttered.

“I will admit, it will be nice having a truly kind Celestia,” Twilight said.

“And I’ll admit that there are better times and places to discuss it,” I said. “I’d prefer no one else finding out about this.”

“A wise idea,” Luna said before finally shutting her mouth.

“So what did you think of Taya and Eva as humans?” Twilight asked.

“I didn’t like it.”

“So. I don’t take it you’d happen to… I don’t know… understand why all that cuddling is creepy now, do you?”

“I’m sorry your mother didn’t love you enough to snuggle,” I said. “You don’t have to take that out on Taya, though.” She snorted. “That said… She may be a little… older than I expected… Older and… developed.” Though part of that might be the weird spell.

“So no more bellyrubs, huh?” Twilight said.

“That wouldn’t be fair. If I cut Taya off, I’d have to cut everybody off.”

“You stay away from my bellyrubs!” Luna said, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“Right, of course. I could never give them up. But come on, Nav. Your little daughter-pet?!”

“I blame Aqua and Gilda. I think it’s just as creepy.”

“Once, a part of me wondered why anyone would like tummy rubs or ear scritches,” Luna said. “But now I have seen the light. Perhaps being a vassal-pet would not be so bad…”

“Daughter-pets don’t get leashes and collars,” I said. “Vassal-pets might.”

“Well… Perhaps visual proof of my submissiveness is called for… As long as it’s you holding the leash, I know I will never be mistreated!”

“I think that would be a great idea!” Twilight said, suddenly seeming very upbeat. “Perhaps we should get her a uniform, too! One that shows off her oh-so submissive nature…”

“Don’t make this perverted,” I said. “If you want to do anything lewd with Luna, I’m sure all you have to do is ask. But don’t go dragging me into it, at least not without asking first.”

“That’s what I was doing,” she said. “But fine, then. No uniform…”

“What would you like my leash to be made of, my lady?” Luna sweetly asked.

“So you went from seeing the appeal of being a vassal-pet to deciding to be one in the course of, like, a minute?”

“...When you mentioned wanting to leash me, I assumed I had your blessing. Is that not the case?”

“It’s not,” I said. “That was a joke.” They both sighed in disappointment. They’re both equally creepy. That’s kinda sad.

Finally, we got to the great golden doors. There was a pretty short line to see her. I knew I could get away with cutting in line, but that would have been rude. Instead, we queued up behind everyone. Of course, when everyone finally realized who was standing there, they all decided they didn’t really need to see Celestia that urgently anyway. Each one of them fucked right off, putting us first in line.

“My heart is pounding,” Twilight whispered, shivering slightly.

“Relax, Twiggles,” I said, putting my wonderful hands to use on one of her ears. “It’ll all be over soon.”

“I know, Nav… I’m just nervous, though I know I have no reason to be.”

“Of course you have reason to be,” Luna said. “My sister is capable of many things. Never underestimate her.”

“Can someone teleport in a camera?” I asked. “I’ll want to take a few pictures when we get in there.”

“Of course,” Twilight said, bringing one in. “But we’ll need to burn the pictures later, just in case.”

“Makes sense. Everything’s gonna be groovy, Twilight,” I said. The great doors finally opened and the chief maid hurried out. She was going so quickly that she didn’t even notice us. “I guess we’re up next. You ready?”

“Of course,” Luna said.

“...I’m ready,” Twilight finally said.

“Then let’s do it.” The three of us finally walked through the golden doors.